《Vampire Bomb Squad - A Grand Eye Tale》 CHAPTER ONE - RED COFFEE It was the 1960s, give or take a few decades, and vampires were still doing stuff. Legcramp, one of the vampires in question, sat in a bar that he legally was not allowed to be in. The bar was in some city somewhere in Earth''s northern hemisphere. Legcramp didn''t know where exactly. He had just inadvertently ended up there through some convoluted chain of events that would take a whole other web serial to explain. The bar was old, undusted, and undisturbed. It was only open to immortal beings such as Legcramp, and immortals didn''t care much for spring cleaning. Legcramp, wearing his favourite leather jacket that he mistakingly thought made him look cool, sat down at the bar and nodded to its skeletal bartender. ''Sup, Leg,'' said the skeleton. ''Still haven''t thrown out the jacket, I see.'' ¡®Skeleton,¡¯ said Legcramp. ''Still haven''t thrown out your crappy personality, I see.'' ¡®Hey, man, words hurt,'' Skeleton said as he served up Legcramp''s usual. ''Anyway, you been reading the human news recently? The government says there''s a big enemy about to attack or something. World''s gone crazy, man.'' Legcramp sipped his mug of red coffee, his fangs scraping the ceramic. ¡®Enemy?'' Legcramp asked. ''Like Mars?'' Skeleton poured him another red coffee. Red coffee wasn''t actually coffee, but it kinda smelt like it. ''I dunno, man. Could be. They''re saying the world''s gonna end.'' Legcramp finished his second coffee and threw the mug over his shoulder. ¡®About time. This world sucks.'' Skeleton shook his skeletal head. ¡®I appreciate the vampire pun, man, but this is serious. Hate humans all you want, but if Earth ends up like Venus everyone''s gonna have a bad time.'' ¡®What happened to Venus?'' Legcramp asked. He had never been to his ancestor''s home planet, nor did he know much about it. ¡®Nothing, man,'' Skeleton said. ''It''s just real stupid terrible there.'' The bar¡¯s door swung open and a vampire in a leather coat and leather pants and leather shoes and leather everything walked in. Her hair was all over the place and her eyes were hidden behind sweet sunglasses. ¡®Skeleton,¡¯ she said. ¡®Man, what''s with you people and leather?¡¯ Skeleton asked. Legcramp nodded to her in greeting. She was an... associate of his. In a way.Stolen content warning: this tale belongs on Royal Road. Report any occurrences elsewhere. ¡®You read the news?¡¯ she asked, sitting down at the bar. ¡®Yeah, they¡¯re saying the world¡¯s gonna end,¡¯ Legcramp replied. ¡®Uh huh, you wanna help stop it?¡¯ Armwrestle pulled out a cigar and lit it with some obscure vampire power. The cigar looked old. Just being near it would probably keep her going for another decade or two. ¡®No,¡¯ Legcramp said. ¡®I wanna move to Pallas or something. This planet blows.'' ¡®Pallas?'' Armwrestle said. ''Seriously? There''s nothing there but gorillas and gorilla farmers.'' ¡®Fine, Mercury then,'' said Legcramp, instantly regretting the words as he said them. Not even Mercurians would choose to live on Mercury. Logically speaking, Earth was the best place for him, but Legcramp still hated it. He wanted to be feared and hated by mortals. He wanted power over others and global domination. If he been on Earth in ancient times he would have been tantamount to a god. Nowadays, however, humans simply weren''t afraid of vampires anymore. The planet hadn¡¯t necessarily gotten any better or any worse. Just more boring. Earth''s governments once hunted the horrors that hailed from Venus. Now it just ignored them. Legcramp didn''t just want to be feared, he needed to be feared. Vampires were the personifications of dark pasts. Incapable of looking forward, only reflecting on the spooky junk that¡¯s come and gone. Every second further into the future was another second that could have been his. Legcramp wanted something different. Armwrestle fished out a crumpled envelope from her coat pocket and placed it on the bar. ¡®Well, if you feel like doing something different,¡¯ she said. ''Here''s your chance.'' She chowed down on the remainder of her cigar and left the building. Legcramp thought for some time, then picked up the envelope. Skeleton had left too, probably back to the shadow realm or something stupid like that. Written on the envelope in blue pen was simply FOR VAMPIRES ¨C AN OPPORTUNITY. Legcramp opened the envelope. Inside was a single sheet of paper and a pack of complimentary gum. The paper read: Undead abomination, The world is changing. We understand that, unlike humans, vampires require stagnation to persist. If this war escalates, everything will end. We humans will become mutant monstrosities unable to properly file taxes, and with all of history reduced to radioactive rubble, vampires will wither and die. For our mutual survival, we request you use your obscure vampire powers to help us postpone the apocalypse to a more convenient date. If you accept this offer, head to the nearest important-looking location. There¡¯ll probably be an agent of ours there. If there isn¡¯t, go to the next important-looking location until you find one. Please and thank you, The Secret Evil Global Shadow Government for the Secret Evil Shadow Governing of the Globe Legcramp folded the paper neatly, then unfolded it and folded it again roughly, to make a point. His obscure vampire powers, being exploited for human politics? Ridiculous. Legcramp took pride in his vampirism. Every time he transformed his arm into a bear or dislocated his shoulder at will was a symbol of his heritage. His own history. The history that would vanish into the void if not constantly fuelled by the background of others. To work with the futurist humans? Would¡­ actually be an excellent opportunity. He would be given access to the most secret and secure human facilities. He could destroy human civilisation from the inside out!Legcramp shoved the letter into his pocket, popped the gum into his mouth, and got up. He left the bar with a grin on his face, feeling pumped for some impending nuclear devestation. CHAPTER TWO - ON THE RUN Neckbrace jumped from her apartment¡¯s window. She lived on the 66th floor of a tower in some city on Earth, or at least she did until four seconds ago. At this rate it was unlikely she would be returning. She had leapt off plenty of cliffs back on Venus, so she was more than used to falling, but the sensation felt somehow different on Earth. Maybe it was the slightly higher gravity, or the thin atmosphere, or the soldiers chasing after her, but it just wasn¡¯t as fun. Neckbrace landed on the street below headfirst and bounced off the concrete like a rubber ball. She flipped in the air, body stiff as a board, and landed on her feet. Before she could congratulate herself on sticking the landing, she remembered the troops after her vampire blood. From a standing position, Neckbrace launched into a brisk 400 km/h walk. She glanced over her shoulder to see the tower rapidly shrinking behind her as soldiers burst out its front doors. She chuckled to herself. Humans were weirdly strong for being basically sacks of dirty water, but even at full sprint they couldn¡¯t even eclipse ten percent of her power-walk. Neckbrace focused back ahead to make sure she didn¡¯t walk into anything, then picked up the pace. She wanted to lose track of the humans as soon as she could. ¡®So¡­ Whatcha doin?¡¯ Neckbrace almost tripped over herself in surprise. She snapped her head to the right to see a¡­ thing running alongside her. It was shaped like a person, wearing a button-up top and slacks, but its skin was fire. White hot with occasional licks of blue and red, arcing out in random directions like solar flares, with piercing, pinpoint eyes. The air rippled around it, and its voice was like radio static. ¡®¡­ Walking,¡¯ Neckbrace replied. ¡®That¡¯s cool. Hey, did you see those army guys back there?¡¯ asked the thing. ¡®They said there was a vampire running around. Weird times we live in, huh?¡¯ Neckbrace couldn¡¯t think of anything to say in response. ¡®What¡¯s¡­ what¡¯s your name?¡¯ ¡®Waterman Monoxide. Yourself?¡¯ ¡®Neckbrace.¡¯ ¡®That¡¯s cool. I¡¯m gonna go now.¡¯ And with that, the glowing fire thing jumped off into the sky, leaving a trail of rippling air in its wake. Neckbrace quickly vented the encounter from her mind, lest it distract her from her escape, and kept on walking.
After a few minutes of Neckbrace winding through the city¡¯s terrible urban planning, Waterman returned, leaping down from the sky and breaking into a run beside her once more.The story has been taken without consent; if you see it on Amazon, report the incident. ¡®Hey, so the army guys say you¡¯re the vampire,¡¯ he said. ¡®Guess that means I gotta capture you now. Sorry.¡¯ Neckbrace growled in annoyance. ¡®What even are you?¡¯ ¡®Hey, now. Rude.¡¯ With a heavy sigh, Neckbrace broke into a sprint. In under a second, she broke the sound barrier, shattering all nearby glass. Her legs pounded the concrete road, smashing it into rubble with every step. Neckbrace took a deep breath and jumped. She shot into the air faster than a bullet, rapidly approaching the Earth¡¯s escape velocity the higher she went. Her clothes threatened to tear themselves apart under the pressure, but they knew better than that. No self-respecting outfit abandoned its vampiric master. The air was thinning, and Neckbrace was only getting faster. At this rate she would be back on Venus in no time, and with no humans to annoy her too. She had come to Earth for the juicy history, but she knew better now. All that Earth had to offer was annoyance. She was almost in orbit now. The weird grey box the humans called their moon was dead ahead. Neckbrace would use it as a jumping platform for the leap to Venus. Then she would be home. ¡®Hey, so, I can¡¯t let you do that,¡¯ said Waterman Monoxide. Neckbrace looked down in shock. There he was, his fiery body streamlined by their speed, his hand wrapped around her ankle. Neckbrace cried, ¡®WAIT, STO-¡® With a single yank on her leg, Waterman sent the vampire spiralling back towards the planet. After a brief stint of being just as on fire as Waterman was, Neckbrace re-entered the atmosphere, and then moments later impacted the ground with a deafening boom.
She came to lying spread eagle in the centre of a crater. Dust rained from the too-blue sky, and Neckbrace¡¯s joints ached. Ahead of her was the half-collapsed mess of the building she had been staying in earlier that day. Standing right beside her was a human in a black suit. ¡®I am Agent 600,¡¯ said the human, ¡®I work with the Federal Bureau of Secret Stuff and Other Stuff Like That. We at the FBSSOSLT have searching for people like you.¡¯ ¡®No,¡¯ Neckbrace coughed out. ¡®Go away. Don¡¯t want it.¡¯ Agent 600 sighed and reached into his blazer pocket. He pulled out a palm-sized black rectangle and showed it to Neckbrace. ¡®This is a mobile telephone from the year 2014,¡¯ said the Agent. ¡®No,¡¯ said Neckbrace. ¡®We retrieved it using the Bureau¡¯s time machine.¡¯ ¡®No!¡¯ ¡®We understand you vampires¡­ fear the future?¡¯ ¡®NO!¡¯ Agent 600 threw the phone at her. It landed face down in the dirt. Neckbrace roared in agony. Vampires lived through the past, and died through the future. There was no greater torture. ¡®STOP IT! STOP IT!¡¯ she shrieked. Agent 600 rested his chin on his palm. ¡®Oh, I¡¯m sorry. Did you just say you wanted more?¡¯ He pulled out a thin strip of silver. ¡®This is a communications implant from the year 2160,¡¯ he explained before dropping it on Neckbrace¡¯s forehead. She writhed in seething pain. Tears streamed down her face. ¡®I¡¯LL HELP!¡¯ she screamed. ¡®I¡¯LL HELP!¡¯ Agent 600 waited an excruciating six seconds, then retrieved the telephone and implant and tucked them back into his pocket. Neckbrace rolled over onto her hands and knees and begun dry heaving into the dirt. Agent 600 smiled. ¡®We¡¯ll be needing your obscure vampire powers to help us postpone the apocalypse, Ms Neckbrace, so I do hope you¡¯ll cooperate more in the future.¡¯ Neckbrace only growled in response. CHAPTER THREE - THE FACILITY Neckbrace awoke once more, her vision blurry and her head throbbing. She was in some kind of dimly lit room, that much was certain. There were people to either side of her, but she couldn¡¯t muster the strength to turn her head and look at them. A bright light suddenly engulfed Neckbrace¡¯s vision. She groaned in protest. ¡®Welcome to the Facility,¡¯ said a familiar voice. ¡®600¡­¡¯ Neckbrace rasped, unfortunate memories flooding back. The agent chuckled. ¡®Not anymore,¡¯ he said. ¡®Bringing you in scored me a promotion. I¡¯m Agent 599 now.¡¯ ¡®Why do I have to wear this junk?¡¯ said a voice to Neckbrace¡¯s left. ¡®I came here willingly.¡¯ ¡®We don¡¯t take chances here at the FBSSOSLT,¡¯ Agent 599 answered. ¡®A single vampire of average strength could wipe this place out in an instant. That¡¯s why you¡¯re all wearing collars made from an alloy that won¡¯t be invented until 2322.¡¯ Collective groans from the restrained vampires cut 599 off before he could continue. ¡®Is this even legal?¡¯ asked the one to Neckbrace¡¯s right. ¡®I dunno,¡¯ 599 said cheerfully. ¡®Anyway, why don¡¯t we begin orientation? Let¡¯s go around the circle, everyone say your name and give one fun fact about yourself.¡¯ More groans. ¡®Or¡­ we could get up close and personal with a collection of 27th Century can openers,¡¯ 599 suggested, raising his refined eyebrows. The groans stopped. After a brief, but viciously awkward, silence, the vampire to Necbkrace¡¯s left spoke up. Her vision had cleared enough now to get a good look at him. He was muscular and tall, with a shaved head and fangs that reached down to his chin. ¡®My name is Legcramp and I never agreed to this,¡¯ he said. Agent 599 coughed. ¡®Well, uh¡­ you did sign the contract, so¡­¡¯ Neckbrace rolled her eyes and went next. ¡®My name is Neckbrace and I hate humanity.¡¯ ¡®Now that¡¯s just negative, isn¡¯t it?¡¯ 599 said. ¡®You don¡¯t have any hobbies?¡¯ The vampire to Neckbrace¡¯s right spoke. ¡®Are you going to criticise all our introductions?¡¯ ¡®Hey!¡¯ 599 snapped. ¡®No talking before you introduce yourself!¡¯ ¡®Name¡¯s Armwrestle. I play croquet on weekends.¡¯If you discover this tale on Amazon, be aware that it has been stolen. Please report the violation. Agent 599 grinned. ¡®See? That¡¯s the attitude we like to see here at the FBSSOSLTT.¡¯ ¡®Did you just put an extra T at the end?¡¯ Armwrestle asked. ¡®No,¡¯ 599 responded. ¡®What about you? What¡¯s your thing?¡¯ he asked the final vampire. Silence. The vampire was scrawny, and wore nothing but a tribal skirt. His skin was covered in jet black tattoos. ¡®Hello? Your thing?¡¯ 599 probed. ¡®Even just a name? A grunt of acknowledgement?¡¯ The vampire remained silent. Unnaturally silent, like he was absorbing the soundwaves in the air and leaving only an empty, soundless void in their place. 599 gave an exaggerated sigh. ¡®Well, thanks for ruining everyone¡¯s fun, fun ruiner. Come on guys, let¡¯s ditch this loser.¡¯ He gestured for the vampires (except the creepily quiet one) to rise and follow him. They did so reluctantly. 599 strolled over to a panel on the far wall and swiped it with his wrist. A section of the wall slid open, revealing a long, surgically clean hallway beyond, lit by blinding fluorescent lights. The air smelled pleasantly of pine trees, and unpleasantly of rocket fuel. The door slid shut behind them as 599 and the vampires left the holding cell. ¡®So this is east-western wing of the ominous Facility where the FBSSOSTL operates,¡¯ 599 explained as they walked. ¡®Did you just¡ª¡® Armwrestle began. ¡®No,¡¯ 599 said. ¡®As I was saying, the first door on the left is where we hold our extradimensional abominations. On the right is where we hold the prisoners we feed to our extradimensional abominations. Next is the time machine room and the room for storing paradoxes that come from the time machine room. The next three doors do not officially exist and should not be acknowledged. Please purge all memory of them from your mind. After that is the break room¡­¡¯ As 599 talked, various agents who all looked suspiciously identical to him ran from door to door, clutching documents and what appeared to be tiny glowing creatures. 599 ignored them and seemed to expect the vampires to do the same.
After rounding a few corners and witnessing a few indescribable horrors, 599 stopped them in front of an especially large set of sliding doors. ¡®Here we are,¡¯ he said. ¡®Please be on your best behaviour.¡¯ The room was a large hall, filled with dozens of seated agents (all of whom were indistinguishable from one another). Standing at the far end was an agent whose badge designated him as 12. The room seemed to be in the middle of some kind of vote. ¡®All in favour think aye!¡¯ 12 called out. Three seconds of silence. ¡®The vote to declare Greenland as fictional has passed unanimously. Good work, everyone. Next, onto the matter of Iceland¡­¡¯ 599 spoke up. ¡®Agent 12, the vampires have been assembled.¡¯ ¡®Took you long enough, six-hundreder,¡¯ 12 said with a sneer. The agents in the room snickered. ¡®I¡¯m in the five hundreds now!¡¯ 599 protested, his face red. 12 rolled his unsettlingly glassy eyes. ¡®Yeah, whatever. These the wizards?¡¯ ¡®Vampires,¡¯ 599 corrected. ¡®Vampires? I thought we were getting wizards.¡¯ ¡®The plan was always vampires, Agent 12.¡¯ ¡®I wanted wizards.¡¯ ¡®We can¡¯t always get what we want, Agent 12,¡¯ 599 said, his voice dripping with venom. 12 gave an exaggerated sigh that Neckbrace could have sworn was a pre-recorded audio clip. ¡®Fiiiine. Bring the ghouls or whatever to the dome. I¡¯ll be there in five.¡¯
As soon he stepped out of the chamber, 599 furiously whipped out his smartphone of indiscriminate brand and called someone up. ¡®Schedule a session in the torture dungeon. I¡¯ve got some things I need to work out.¡¯ He put his phone away and turned to the vampires. Seeing the look in their eyes, he quickly reassured, ¡®Oh don¡¯t worry. It¡¯s not what you think. We barely go beyond waterboarding and existential terror down there. Barely.¡¯ Neckbrace would protest, but the metal collar still seared her neck. If she could, she would stamp this whole planet into dust. Well, there would plenty of opportunities for that still. Neckbrace couldn¡¯t wait. CHAPTER FOUR - THE DOME The Dome was not much of a dome at all. It was rather more of a non-Euclidian hyper-pyramid, the very sight of which would give Legcramp a wicked headache, were the collar around his neck not already providing such a service. In the centre of the supposed Dome was a floating platform of dirt with a quaint log cabin in the middle. Grass, flowers and even a tree or two grew from the platform, creating a lovely scene that was quite incongruent with the hulking undead nightmare standing beside the cabin. An agent with a clipboard and a name badge that read ¡°485¡± stood under a tree, staring at the monster with a blank expression. 600, who had been demoted after the confrontation in the meeting room, cleared his throat, alerting 485 to his presence. ¡®Ah, the wizards! You¡¯re just in time!¡¯ exclaimed 485, spinning on his heel to face them. ¡®Vampires,¡¯ Legcramp corrected, growing tired of all this talk about wizards. ¡®What about them?¡¯ said 485. ¡®Listen,¡¯ 600 interjected, ¡®My break¡¯s in two minutes and I¡¯ve got a date in the torture dungeon, so I¡¯m just gonna go ahead and leave these guys with you. Good? Good.¡¯ With a cheery wave, Agent 600 stepped off the platform and phased through the Dome¡¯s incomprehensible walls. ¡®Well then,¡¯ 485 said, enthusiastically clapping his hands. ¡®Who¡¯s first?¡¯ Legcramp crossed his arms. ¡®First for what?¡¯ he asked. ¡®First to destroy that¡­¡¯ 485 gestured wildly at the undead monstrosity, ¡®¡­thing.¡¯ The creature, which eclipsed the cabin in height and seemed to be comprised of dozens of stitched together animal parts, gave an enigmatic thumbs up. ¡®Is this is a test?¡¯ Legcramp asked. Agent 485 spat out a haughty laugh. ¡®Oh, no! It¡¯s just been here for weeks and we don¡¯t know how to get rid of it. We stuck it in the Dome but then it built this cabin (which is not at all up to code) and it keeps giving us these weird thumbs ups and I don¡¯t like it, so if you can just use your dumb wizard magic and blink this thing into the shadow realm, that¡¯d be super.¡¯ Legcramp stepped forward. ¡®We¡¯re not¡ª¡® Armwrestle stopped him with a hand on his shoulder. ¡®Don¡¯t. Argue,¡¯ she whispered. Her lips parted into an extremely disconcerting grin, baring her twisted fangs. ¡®This is exactly what we¡¯re made for.¡¯ ¡®I¡¯m not doing any human¡¯s chores,¡¯ Legcramp whispered back. ¡®You know I can hear you, right?¡¯ 485 said. ¡®I¡¯m right here.¡¯Unlawfully taken from Royal Road, this story should be reported if seen on Amazon. Legcramp growled. Not at anyone in particular, just at his own, highly annoying situation. He had pictured working with tacticians, raiding enemy bunkers, stopping illegal Antarctic snowmobile death races, speaking with generals, and general generals, and whatever was above that. Maybe that would still come. Maybe he would still get his opportunity to make his dream reality, but that maybe was in the future, and Legcramp hated the future. He wanted to be destroying humanity from the inside out now, not slapping some Frankensteinian jerk into the next dimension. ¡®Do whatever you want,¡¯ he told Armwrestle, ¡®But don¡¯t expect me to help.¡¯ ¡®I¡¯m just gonna go ahead and interject here,¡¯ said 485, ¡®I have a pouch of dust from the heat death of the universe on me, and if you don¡¯t follow orders, I will throw it on you and it will probably kill you.¡¯ The other vampire, Neckbrace, finally spoke up. ¡®Is killing this monster guy an order?¡¯ ¡®Nope,¡¯ 485 said. ¡®Cool.¡¯ Neckbrace wandered off and sat under a tree. Legcramp was about go after her with some questions when Armwrestle stopped him once more. ¡®Don¡¯t tell me you¡¯re gonna join tree-nerd over there?¡¯ she said. ¡®I¡¯m not fighting that thing, Wrestle,¡¯ Legcramp said. ¡®Especially not in this collar.¡¯ Armwrestle¡¯s eyes widened. ¡®We¡¯re VAMPIRES! We can PUNCH MOUNTAINS IN HALF! Don¡¯t you see? We¡¯re supposed to fight! This is why I joined the SEGSGFTSESGOTG! This is why I recruited you!¡¯ Legcramp blinked. ¡®I¡­ I¡¯m sorry, you joined the what?¡¯ ¡®I don¡¯t have time to explain basic acronyms to you, Cramp. I have a monster to kill.¡¯ Legcramp shrugged. ¡®Knock yourself out.¡¯
While Armwrestle battled the creature with daggers made from her own ribs, Legcramp strolled over to the tree Neckbrace was resting under. ¡®Hey,¡¯ he said. No reply. ¡®Hey,¡¯ he said, kicking her in the side. Neckbrace jolted awake. ¡®I¡¯M AWAKE,¡¯ she shouted. ¡®I¡¯m awake.¡¯ ¡®Back at the introduction, you said you hated humanity,¡¯ Legcramp said. Neckbrace thought for a second. ¡®¡­ Yeah?¡¯ ¡®You wanna help me start a nuclear apocalypse?¡¯ Neckbrace thought for another second. ¡®I¡¯d rather go back to Venus.¡¯ ¡®You¡¯re from Venus?¡¯ ¡®Born and raised.¡¯ ¡®How is it there?¡¯ ¡®Hot. High air pressure. Oceans of acid and green tea. Lots of demons.¡¯ ¡®Sounds good.¡¯ ¡®Yeah.¡¯ Legcramp kicked her the side again. ¡®Hey.¡¯ ¡®Don¡¯t do that,¡¯ Neckbrace protested. ¡®Wanna help me start a nuclear apocalypse? Wipe out humanity?¡¯ ¡®I don¡¯t¡ª¡® Legcramp kicked her again. ¡®Hey. Nuclear apocalypse.¡¯ ¡®Stop kicking me.¡¯ Legcramp kicked her again. ¡®Wipe out humanity. Nuclear apocalypse.¡¯ ¡®Stop¡ª¡® Legcramp kicked her again. Neckbrace caught his ankle and swung him lightning-fast into the tree behind her. The tree cracked in half and toppled over, leaving Legcramp lying amongst the splinters. Meanwhile, the monster, which was still very much moving despite the many ribs lodged in its head, finally managed to slap Armwrestle with the full might of its lumpy, deformed hand. With a whining scream, the vampire shot off into the tessellating barrier of the Dome, and didn¡¯t come back. Agent 485 raised his eyebrows. ¡®I guess that¡¯s one wizard down. Either of you wanna give it a shot? If you¡¯re not too busy gathering firewood and plotting the destruction of humanity, I mean.¡¯ ¡®I¡¯m good,¡¯ Neckbrace said. Legcramp groaned. His whole body throbbed and ached. Normally such a blow would barely tickle, but with the collar, things were different. So why, exactly, was Neckbrace still so strong? ¡®Hey,¡¯ said Neckbrace as she walked over and slammed her foot into Legcramp¡¯s side. He roared in pain. It seemed humans weren¡¯t going to be his only enemy. CHAPTER FIVE - CHEKHOVS GUN Neckbrace had been kicking Legcramp in the ribs for about a minute before Agent 12 showed up. ¡®Hey,¡¯ he said, strolling through the headache-inducing barrier of the Dome, ¡®I got held up by an evil-twin-from-an-alternate-universe situation. Wait, where¡¯s the third wizard?¡¯ ¡®The big guy knocked her into some other timeline,¡¯ Agent 485 explained, ¡®We¡¯ll have to make do with two.¡¯ ¡®Vampires,¡¯ Neckbrace corrected, finally deciding to give Legcramp a break. ¡®What about them?¡¯ 12 asked. ¡®Anyway, our lawyers say that the log cabin counts as an art installation due to how it exists outside the confines of perceptible reality, so building codes don¡¯t apply. The big guy can stay for now.¡¯ The undead monstrosity gave an enigmatic thumbs up. 12 wandered over to the vampires. Legcramp still writhed on the ground in pain, but the agent didn¡¯t seem to care. ¡®I¡¯m gonna be taking you two to the FBSSOSST¡¯s central hub now, but while we¡¯re here I gotta show you something.¡¯ 12 pulled out an ordinary-looking revolver from his coat. ¡®This is what we call a Chekhov¡¯s Gun. It¡¯s kind of an initiation for new recruits. I fire a bullet into the Dome¡¯s fifth-dimensional matrix, and it pops back out in some future chapter, hopefully to save you in the nick of time.¡¯ ¡®What are the odds it actually helps us?¡¯ Neckbrace asked. Agent 12 aimed the gun at the barrier of the Dome and fired. ¡®What was that?¡¯ he said.
As 12 led the pair, Neckbrace striding with confidence and Legcramp limping with a kind of twisted, angry version of confidence, through the poorly thought-out hallways of the Facility, Neckbrace learned a few things. First, the scents of pine trees and rocket fuel, when mixed together, acted as a strong hallucinogenic. Second, the sprawling Facility they currently were in was merely a resupply base for the FBSSSOSSS¡¯s field agents, and nothing compared to the central hub. Third, the melting walls were likely hallucinations, and even if the walls were melting, it was nothing to be alarmed about.If you encounter this story on Amazon, note that it''s taken without permission from the author. Report it. Fourth, the melting walls were NOTHING TO BE ALARMED ABOUT. Do not pay ANY attention to any walls that may or may not be melting. If you see a melting wall, do not acknowledge its existence. If someone asks if you have seen a melting wall, simply reply, ¡®Walls? Never heard of ¡®em! I only see floors!¡¯ Neckbrace couldn¡¯t remember what else she had learned.
By the time she had regained her senses, they were sitting amongst dozens of identical agents in some kind of train. The windows were blacked out, and the only light came from softly glowing strips running down the centre aisle. Neckbrace was hungry, and the modern, perhaps even futuristic, interior of the train was only exacerbating the issue. Agent 12, sitting to her left and only identifiable only by his name-badge, handed Neckbrace a chunk of wood. ¡®It¡¯s from the leg of an antique table. Eat up,¡¯ he said. ¡®I know how much you wizards love vintage furniture.¡¯ To her right, Legcramp was already gnawing on his. Neckbrace took a bite. It tasted like wood. Out of the corner of her eye, she noticed some movement on the window. Neckbrace turned to get a better look. Beyond the windows that she had assumed were blacked out, were fish swimming alongside the train. ¡®Are we¡­?¡¯ she begun. ¡®Underwater?¡¯ 12 finished. ¡®Yep. We based our central hub in R¡¯lyeh because of the booming tourism industry. We should be there in about an hour.¡¯ Some hulking leviathan swum past the train, its shadowy mass betraying none of its true form, save for a colossal, gelatinous eyeball. It slowed to keep pace with Neckbrace¡¯s carriage. Barely lit by the luminous strip on the carriage¡¯s floor, the leviathan produced two malformed flippers from the folds of its mass. They looked almost like human hands. The leviathan then shot fingers guns at Agent 12 with an enthusiastic ¡®Ayyy!¡¯ Agent 12 returned the gesture with a laugh, then noticed Neckbrace¡¯s inquisitive glare. ¡®Oh, that¡¯s Agent 177,¡¯ he explained. ¡®He got cursed by a forbidden orb a few years back. Classic 177.¡¯ Agent 177 gave a cheerful wave goodbye than swam away, presumably back to the dark abyss from whence he came. Neckbrace found herself growing increasingly uncomfortable with the FBSSSSSSOSSS¡¯s lax attitude towards eldritch horrors. Back on Venus, there were demons and creatures of the dark aplenty, but Venusians at least knew to steer clear of them. Neckbrace considered bringing this up with 12, but she didn¡¯t trust anyone in the FBSSSSSSSSSSSS to be rational about anything. There was something else she wanted to know, however. ¡®How many S¡¯s are supposed to be in your acronym, again?¡¯ she asked 12. Before Agent 12 could respond, he was shot in the head. Neckbrace didn¡¯t hear a gunshot, but a bullet had definitely gone straight through 12¡¯s temples and busted a hole in the carriage¡¯s window, too. As the train flooded with water, Neckbrace realised where the bullet had come from. Chekhov¡¯s Gun. She would laugh at the irony if her lungs weren¡¯t filled with water and also being crushed by four hundred atmospheres of pressure. She was used to pressure from years on Venus but this was a little much. Neckbrace passed out.
She awoke with a serious headache on an inflatable raft in the middle of nowhere. Better than dying, at least. Marginally. There was one other, extremely soaked, agent on the raft with her. His nametag read 600. ¡®So,¡¯ he said. ¡®This is quite the coincidence.¡¯ CHAPTER SIX - SKELETON EMPIRE ¡®So,¡¯ said Armwrestle, ¡®This is quite the coincidence.¡¯ Legcramp was still sore, but now he had sand in his eyelids too. This was easily in the upper percentile of his worst days ever. He shakily climbed to his feet, observing the beach he had washed up on. The beach was remarkably beach-like. It had sand, water, air, all those trappings of a typical beach. Armwrestle, rather than her overdone leather getup, was wearing a tribal tunic made of leaves and bones. Her collar was gone, too. ¡®I thought¡­¡¯ Legcramp coughed out a lobster. It scuttled back into the ocean. ¡®I thought you were lost in the spacetime continuum or something.¡¯ ¡®I was,¡¯ Armwrestle said. ¡®Until I popped out on this island about three hundred years back.¡¯ Legcramp blinked. ¡®Oh. And how was that?¡¯ ¡®Could be better. Armwrestle replied. The pair stood in awkward silence. ¡®So¡­¡¯ said Armwrestle. ¡®How¡¯s that thing with the FSSSSSSSSSS going?¡¯ ¡®Could be better. Hey, is it just me or is that acronym¡ª¡® ¡®Oh, hey man!¡¯ interrupted a familiar voice. Legcramp turned to see a skeleton walking towards him. No, it wasn¡¯t just any skeleton. Legcramp would recognize those cheekbones anywhere. ¡®Skeleton?¡¯ he asked. ¡®It sure is, man,¡¯ said Skeleton. ¡®Wow, it feels like exactly three-thousand, eight-hundred and fourty-six words since we last spoke!¡¯ ¡®Funny that,¡¯ Legcramp said. Armwrestle wrapped her arms around the two. ¡®It¡¯s like a big ¡®ol family union!¡¯ Legcramp glared at her. ¡®What¡¯s going on here?¡¯ Skeleton grinned at him in that weird way skeletons do. ¡®Nothing much, man. Just gonna sacrifice you to our sun god a little bit.¡¯ ¡®Sacrifice me?¡¯ Legcramp asked. ¡®Yeah, man.¡¯ ¡®A little bit?¡¯ ¡®Just a tiny bit, man. Won¡¯t hurt.¡¯ ¡®How did you even get here?¡¯ ¡®Flew, man.¡¯ ¡®Can skeletons do that?¡¯ ¡®If you put your mind to it, anything¡¯s possible, man.¡¯ Legcramp shoved Armwrestle¡¯s arm off. ¡®I can¡¯t get sacrificed yet.¡¯ Skeleton gave a nervous grin that looked exactly like all his other grins. ¡®Sorry, man. I kinda got a Mesoamerican empire waiting for a vampiric blood sacrifice.¡¯Stolen novel; please report. ¡®Can they wait just a little longer?¡¯ Legcramp asked. ¡®I still need to destroy humanity.¡¯ Skeleton pursed his figurative lips. ¡®Hmmm¡­ Sorry, man. Gotta sacrifice you.¡¯ Legcramp rubbed his eyes in frustration. ¡®Can¡¯t you sacrifice Wrestle instead?¡¯ Skeleton turned to Armwrestle, a questioning look in his figurative eyes. Armwrestle grimaced and shook her head. ¡®No can do, man.¡¯ Armwrestle, her power unrestrained by any collar, punched Legcramp in the stomach. It felt like being punched in the stomach, which sucked because, for Legcramp, being punched in the stomach normally felt like being tickled by a butterfly. Legcramp keeled over in pain. Hoisting him up onto her shoulder, Armwrestle began her trek inland, with Skeleton floating behind.
Skeleton¡¯s empire was just about every clich¨¦ regarding tribes and ancient civilizations rolled into one. Massive, moss-laden ziggurats dotted the tropical landscape. Tents of animal skin and roaring bonfires dominated the ground between them. The actual citizens of the empire themselves were, naturally, all skeletons. Whether they had been skeletons before Skeleton took over, or if Skeleton was somehow responsible for this was a mystery. Unable to fight Armwrestle with his collar on, Legcramp let himself be carried through the camp. Skeleton waved to his subjects, and they bowed in response, clearing a path to a very sacrificial looking alter. Legcramp rolled his eyes. It was a very uninspired setup for a sacrifice. He was also vaguely aware of his skin evaporating under the harsh sunlight, which added to his general annoyance. Armwrestle climbed the stairs to the alter and flopped Legcramp onto it like a sack of steaming potatoes. This, too, was annoying. Legcramp was annoyed. ¡®Hey man, pass the dagger,¡¯ Skeleton whispered to a nearby subject of his. The subject complied gracefully, presenting Skeleton with a rusted shard of metal. In one swift motion, Skeleton tossed the dagger in the air, caught it, then rammed it into Legcramp¡¯s throat. Legcramp could feel the heat of the sun baring down on him. He hated it. Somewhere in the sky was Venus, where his ancestors where probably laughing at him for being so stupid. Legcramp hated them too. Skeleton¡¯s skeletons surrounded him, chittering and chanting and generally being annoying. Legcramp hated them. Skeleton and Armwrestle stood over him, looking a little uncomfortable but mostly quite pleased with themselves. Legcramp hated them. Come to think of it, there was a lot Legcramp hated. That was really his main character trait. There was one thing he didn¡¯t hate, however: the dagger in his throat. It was hundreds of years old, at least. Potentially thousands. Legcramp could feel the history coming off of it in plumes. He hadn¡¯t had a feast like this in a long time. With unparalleled vigor, Legcramp grabbed the dagger¡¯s hilt and hiked it upwards, slicing through his collar with ease. He pulled it out, reminding himself to get checked for tetanus after all was said and done, and threw it at Skeleton. The dagger pieced Skeleton¡¯s throat. Or rather it would have, if Skeleton had a throat. Instead it just passed right by his spine and into the crowd below. Armwrestle put her hands on her hips and gave a sharp breath through her teeth. ¡®Guess I shoulda anticipated this, huh?¡¯ she said. Legcramp threw a punch. Armwrestle countered it with her own. Their fists met, producing a shockwave that knocked Skeleton off the platform. They began to trade blows. Their arms were blurs, attacking and deflecting faster than the eye could process. Armwrestle jumped back, squirting high-pressure blood from her soles to give her a boost. With a grunt, she reached into her chest and tore out two sharpened ribs. Legcramp bent over, snapped his own spine and made a whip from hardened spinal fluid. Saliva dripped from his fangs in excitement. Vampire fights were always cool. With his spinal whip, Legcramp lassoed Armwrestle and pulled her in close. She sliced off his head with her ribs, causing him to waste a precious half-second growing a new one. He roared and squirted lemon juice from his eyes, which he didn¡¯t even know he could do. The juice went straight into Armwrestle¡¯s eyes, blinding her. Taking the opportunity, Legcramp formed a boxing glove of hardened bone and socked Armwrestle in the stomach. As always, revenge was a dish best served with violence. She flew backwards, but was stopped by Legcramp¡¯s lasso. Readying his boxing glove, Legcramp pulled her in once more, dropped his lasso, and sucker punched Armwrestle right in the teeth. With a mighty boom, Armwrestle shot off way into the horizon, likely to ruin the day of whoever she landed on.
With a deep breath, Legcramp shoved his spinal fluid back into his spine, and let his bone gauntlets crumble into dust. ¡®I¡¯m gonna need your empire, Skeleton,¡¯ he said. CHAPTER SEVEN - SERENDIPITY ¡®Come on,¡¯ Neckbrace said. ¡®Nope,¡¯ Agent 600 said. ¡®Just for a little while.¡¯ ¡®Nuh uh.¡¯ ¡®Come oooon.¡¯ ¡®No can do.¡¯ ¡®I¡¯m putting my neck out for you!¡¯ ¡®Yes, you are. Please put it away.¡¯ ¡®Come on, if you take the collar off, I can take us to the nearest landmass in a single jump.¡¯ ¡®Not gonna do it.¡¯ Neckbrace sighed and slumped back in the raft. She was still easily strong enough to threaten 600 with violence, but she felt his self-preservation instincts would be underwhelming, to say the least. The only way she was gonna get the collar off was with persuasion. ¡®If you don¡¯t take this freakin¡¯ collar off, we¡¯re both gonna die out here,¡¯ she said. Agent 600 scoffed. ¡®Not me. I exclude myself from that we.¡¯ ¡®What?¡¯ Neckbrace said. ¡®You can¡¯t do that.¡¯ ¡®I may be 600, but I¡¯m still higher ranked than you. What¡¯s your number? You don¡¯t even one. Your pronouns don¡¯t have the authority to speak for me.¡¯ ¡®Your rank doesn¡¯t let you control grammar.¡¯ 600 laughed, pulling out a small book from his coat. ¡®Page 932, section seventeen, All agents ranked higher then 601 is exempt from grammar rules. All grammar them do use are automatically super correct.¡¯ ¡®Do you always keep that book on you?¡¯ Neckbrace asked. ¡®Yes me do. FSsSSsSSSSssSsSSSS regulation.¡¯ Neckbrace narrowed her eyes. ¡®Wait, remind me again what that acronym stands for?¡¯ ¡®Federal Bureau of Secret Stuff and Other Stuff Like That.¡¯ Neckbrace clapped her hands together. ¡®You don¡¯t see any discrepancy there?¡¯ 600 was picking his nose and looking at the sunset. Neckbrace decided to drop the question. ¡®If you¡¯re not gonna take my collar off, we better get this boat moving. I don¡¯t suppose you have a compass in that coat, too?¡¯ ¡®Sure I do,¡¯ 600 said, pulling out a compass. ¡®Why am I not surprised?¡¯ Neckbrace muttered as she snatched it from his hand. She looked at the compass, then back up at 600. ¡®Why is the needle plastic?¡¯Support the creativity of authors by visiting the original site for this novel and more. ¡®What should it be made of, oh compass goddess?¡¯ 600 said, his tone oozing with sarcasm. ¡®Compasses DON¡¯T WORK if the needle is plastic, you inbred.¡¯ Neckbrace threw the compass back at 600. 600 caught it and stuffed back it back into pocket with a huff. ¡®I get paid negative three dollars an hour! Sorry if I don¡¯t have the cash to afford your fancy luxury compasses with diamond needles and cursive letters!¡¯ ¡®DIAMOND NEEDLES DON¡¯T WORK EITH¡ª¡® Something fell from the sky and impacted the raft, punching a hole straight through it and creating an explosion of water. The tattered raft sunk into the sea, leaving 600 and Neckbrace treading water. ¡®Serendipity strikes again, it seems,¡¯ 600 said. ¡®Do you even know what serendipity is, or are you just being ironic?¡¯ Neckbrace replied. A dark shape rose up from beneath them, then burst through the surface. It was Armwrestle. She was clad in some kind of tribal getup, and her collar was gone. ¡®Ah, talk about serendipity, huh?¡¯ Armwrestle said. 600 wiggled his eyebrows at Neckbrace with pride. Neckbrace ignored him. ¡®Hey, hey Armwrestle!¡¯ Neckbrace said, desperately gesturing at her collar. ¡®Sorry, I can¡¯t understand you through your Venusian accent,¡¯ Armwrestle replied. ¡®Hey, sixie, you got a compass?¡¯ With a smug grin, 600 pulled out his toy compass and handed it to Armwrestle. She looked at it, then back at 600. ¡®I can work with this,¡¯ she said. Neckbrace looked at the vampire incredulously. Suddenly, she realise something. ¡®Hold the phone,¡¯ Neckbrace said, turning to 600, ¡®How are you even alive?¡¯ ¡®Agent 177 gave me a lift,¡¯ 600 said. ¡®We go way back.¡¯ An unearthly, booming voice from the deep echoed out. ¡®No problem, dude.¡¯ ¡®If you two morons are done chatting, I¡¯d like to get moving,¡¯ Armwrestle said. Neckbrace crossed her arms. ¡®Fine by¡ª¡® Before she could finish her sentence, Armwrestle had grabbed the two by their collars and was zipping through the water faster than a speedboat. Neckbrace¡¯s body flailed behind like a ragdoll. She could feel her bones trying to tear themselves apart. Her skin was ripping like paper in the spray. Neckbrace was sceptical that this would be survivable for a human like 600. There was also the question of where Armwrestle was taking them. Not to the SSSSSSSSF¡¯s central hub in all likelihood. Neckbrace had a lot of worries right now. Her tribe back on Venus had always talked about how Earth was so simple and easy-going. The atmosphere was thin and cool, there were no demons or otherworldly monstrosities, no acid rain or killer plants. Only normal fleshy people doing normal fleshy things. Neckbrace was beginning to think that maybe none of her tribe had ever actually gone to Earth to verify that for themselves.
Armwrestle came to a sudden and complete stop on a beach, sending sand flying and causing Neckbrace¡¯s entire skeleton to be pulverised to dust. That would probably leave a nasty bruise. Once her eyeballs had healed from their viscous liquid state, Neckbrace looked over to see a very, very dead Agent 600 lying on the sand beside her. She climbed to her feet, her bones angrily reforming against the strain of the collar. Armwrestle was already storming off the beach and into the jungle beyond. Neckbrace, tripping over herself as her muscles learned how to walk again, stumbled after her. She was getting really sick of the collar.
A few hours of hiking later, and the two vampires came to the site of some ancient, abandoned city. It seemed to be just about every clich¨¦ regarding tribes and ancient civilizations rolled into one. As Neckbrace followed Armwrestle into the city¡¯s grounds, she realised it wasn¡¯t that ancient at all. In fact, it looked like people had been living here recently. In one tent was a pot still boiling on a campfire. In another was a half-finished game of Magic: The Gathering. ¡®They¡¯re gone already¡­¡¯ Armwrestle grumbled. She turned to Neckbrace, as if finally acknowledging her presence. ¡®You were born on Venus?¡¯ Neckbrace nodded. ¡®I¡¯ve heard Venusian Vampires are the strongest there is.¡¯ Armwrestle grabbed Neckbrace¡¯s collar and tore it off. ¡®Show me.¡¯ Neckbrace instantly felt ten thousand times better. Her bones hardened, her muscles expanded. Her previously sickly grey skin became flush with a healthier shade of grey. With a cry of glee, Neckbrace socked Armwrestle in the stomach, sending her flying off into the sunset. ¡®Whoops,¡¯ said Neckbrace. CHAPTER EIGHT - NOSEBLEED MOVES Nosebleed decided to move. He didn¡¯t move out of a sense of duty, or a desire for exercise. He was just hungry. He didn¡¯t know how long it had been since that agent had taken the other three vampires from the room. Ever since the human ships had found him floating in the void between worlds, Nosebleed had complied. When they had put the collar on him and sent him to Earth, Nosebleed had complied. He had had no reason not to. As long as he was fed, Nosebleed was content. However, Nosebleed had never spoken to the humans. Not once. Nosebleed didn¡¯t speak to lesser life forms, except for cats. He liked cats. Speaking with a human was simply beneath him. Nosebleed slowly creaked to his feet, his joints squeaking like an unoiled hinge. With a deliberate, plodding pace, he walked forward. The reinforced Martian steel door tore apart like paper against his gait. The guard stationed outside (his nametag read Agent 983) spun around, startled. He saw that it was only Nosebleed and eased up. ¡®You almost scared me there, big guy!¡¯ he said. ¡®Guess you¡¯ve finally decided to OH GOD PLEASE NO I¡¯M ONLY SIXTY YEARS FROM RETIREMENT!¡¯ Nosebleed¡¯s fangs retracted, leaving Agent 983¡¯s dehydrated husk to gently drift to ground like a dead leaf. His blood had not been very filling. The family history contained in his DNA was brief, but what else could Nosebleed expect from clones? He found it interesting that humans had somehow made even more inferior versions of themselves. Nosebleed kept moving.
Nosebleed soon came across another agent. This one¡¯s nametag identified him as 332. Nosebleed wanted to know where he could find something to eat, so he asked. Asked the Nosebleed way, that is. ¡®NO, MY BRAIN!¡¯ screamed the agent as his brain was sucked out through his skull like a fleshy milkshake. The agent¡¯s corpse fell to the ground like a very heavy dead leaf. Sifting through the agent¡¯s memories, Nosebleed found the location of the Facility¡¯s cafeteria. He spat out the unused brain matter, then kept moving.
As he trudged through the endless hallways, Nosebleed came across a small squad of armored agents, their guns pointed in his direction. The guns were futuristic-looking, so they were likely intended to stop him specifically. With the annoying collar on, dealing with them would have taken too much time, so Nosebleed just walked through them. They yelled at him and shot him a lot, but he barely noticed. Nosebleed just kept moving.
After being shot some more, Nosebleed finally arrived at the cafeteria. It was set up like a fast food restaurant, with the menu displayed above the counter. Ignoring the grenades being thrown at him, Nosebleed inspected the menu for what looked like the oldest item. Ah, the Dinosaur Burger. Perfect. Nosebleed pointed at the cashier, who had had several limbs blown off by grenades, then at the burger on the menu. The cashier didn¡¯t respond. Nosebleed suspected that this was because he was dead. With a flick of his wrist, Nosebleed resurrected the cashier as a vampiric thrall, then pointed at the burger once again. The thrall bowed in acknowledgement, then hopped away on his one leg to prepare it. A couple more grenades exploded around Nosebleed¡¯s feet. He hoped this would not affect the food preparation. After a minute, his thrall presented him with the Dinosaur Burger. It was much like a regular burger, except the meat was replaced with fossilized dinosaur bones. Nosebleed ate it in one bite. It was satisfactory. As payment, Nosebleed let his thrall pass into the great beyond. Unfortunately, his thrall¡¯s other leg had been blown off now too, so he wasn¡¯t able to make it. Bad luck. With his vigour now restored, Nosebleed ripped his collar off, then wiggled his eyelids at the agents attacking him. The immense air pressure created by the action instantly liquefied them into an orange paste with a flowery fragrance. Satisfied, Nosebleed jumped through the ceiling, through several kilometres of dirt and stone, and into the Earth¡¯s upper atmosphere. Now that he was well and truly on the move, Nosebleed wondered where exactly he should move to. He thought of the other vampires that had been captured alongside him. The ones named Legcramp and Armwrestle were Earthborn. They were weak and not worth bothering himself over. The one named Neckbrace, however, was Venusian. Perhaps she could be of interest. Going by the scent of her shampoo, Nosebleed sniffed her out. She was a few dozen kilometres south of the equator, in some tropical jungle. Nosebleed kicked off the atoms in the air and zipped down to Neckbrace¡¯s location.The genuine version of this novel can be found on another site. Support the author by reading it there.
He arrived in a few seconds to find her digging out the Earthborn Armwrestle, who was half-buried in soil. Neckbrace looked up in surprise to see him floating above her. ¡®Oh hey, it¡¯s the quiet guy!¡¯ she said. ¡®I don¡¯t care, just get me out of here,¡¯ Armwrestle replied, her voice muffled. With some elementary telekinesis, Nosebleed picked up Armwrestle, then threw her into the horizon. With the distraction out of the way, he hovered down to Neckbrace¡¯s eye level and nodded to her. ¡®You are a fellow Venusian?¡¯ he said, his voice a hoarse whisper. ¡®Yeah, Cranium Tribe,¡¯ Neckbrace replied. ¡®Hey, is Armwrestle gonna be alright? I¡¯m asking out of curiosity, not concern.¡¯ Nosebleed raised his vampiric eyebrows. ¡®I see we come from the same tribe,¡¯ Neckbrace glanced to either side, then nodded. She seemed confused. ¡®What brings you to Earth, might I ask?¡¯ Nosebleed said. ¡®I dunno, holiday?¡¯ Nosebleed nodded thoughtfully. ¡®Cool.¡¯ ¡®Okay,¡¯ said Neckbrace. ¡®What exactly is your deal?¡¯ Nosebleed shrugged. He honestly didn¡¯t know how to answer that. ¡®Well I got beef with this Legcramp dude, and he¡¯s got a skeleton army, so I should probably get moving,¡¯ Neckbrace said, readying herself to leap away. Nosebleed had found this conversation disappointing. He had been alive for several million years and genuine entertainment was getting harder to come by. He had been hoping a fellow Venusian would be up for some high-quality banter, at least. As Neckbrace flew off in the direction of Armwrestle, Nosebleed thought about what to do next. What could be more entertaining than banter? Wiping out humanity, maybe? Yeah, that could work. CHAPTER NINE - THE SIEGE OF RLYEH Legcramp was having a good time in his conquest of the world. Admittedly, that conquest had so far been limited to a couple of sandbanks and an unlucky fishing boat, but you had to take what you could get. Legcramp stood atop his mighty ship made of living skeletons whilst the captured fishermen rowed below and hisskeleton crew(GET IT?) milled about, doing whatever it is skeletons do. As it turns out, the skeletons had belonged to an actual ancient civilization, which Skeleton had dug up and reanimated. Just being near them was enough to give Legcramp more than enough historical energy to keep him going. As he watched over the vast, flawless sea, feeling the wind blow across his bald scalp, Legcramp felt momentarily satisfied. Of course, that feeling wouldn¡¯t last until every last human burned in the cauldrons of the Sheol, but it was nice while it lasted. He felt Skeleton step up beside him. Skeleton had a very unusual energy, quite unlike anything Legcramp had experience. The only explanation he could conceive of was that Skeleton wasold. Very, very old. When asked his age, however, Skeleton always just responded withforever seventeen. ¡®How far to go?¡¯ Legcramp asked without turning around. Skeleton checked his watch. He wasn¡¯t wearing a watch. ¡®Uhhh, twelve.¡¯ Legcramp waited for more. ¡®¡­Twelve? Twelve what?¡¯ Skeleton shrugged. ¡®Just twelve.¡¯ ¡®Huh. Fair enough then.¡¯ Skeleton coughed somehow. ¡®Listen, man. Try to hold back a little, ya know? You go too fast and the Apocalypse Goblin¡¯s gonna need to have a word with ya.¡¯ ¡®The¡­ the what?¡¯ ¡®Apocalypse Goblin.¡¯ ¡®Is that a thing?¡¯ ¡®Sure, man. Me and Apoc-Gob go way back. Best buddies.¡¯ ¡®I¡¯ll keep him in mind, then,¡¯ Legcramp said, grimacing. ¡®Oh yeah, also we passed our destination nine days ago.¡¯
After nine days of highly irritating backtracking, they arrived at the buoy that marked the previously-lost city of R¡¯lyeh. Attached to the buoy was a billboard displaying a cutesy image of Cthulhu holding a downwards-pointing arrow. After inspecting it with a telescope to make sure the buoy wasn¡¯t one of the many knockoffs they had seen floating around, Legcramp gave the signal to submerge. The skeletons saluted back and began to make preparations. The fishermen looked worried. Soon, the ship began to sink as the skeletons making it up allowed space for water to flow in. The skeleton Legcramp was standing on grabbed his ankles to keep him rooted down as water lapped at his shins. Then just like that, they were under. The sunlight from the surface rapidly faded away until darkness surrounded them. A confused squid swam past Legcramp¡¯s face as his eardrums popped and his temples began to throb. The water pressure was beginning to get a little uncomfortable. He wasn¡¯t optimistic about the fate of his fishermen slaves in these conditions. After a few minutes of sinking, the gentle glow of R¡¯lyeh¡¯s lights came into view. Ever since it had been bought up by wealthy real estate tycoons, the city had gone from a non-Euclidian zone of madness to a bustling tourist destination, complete with casinos and shopping districts. Upset with the commercialisation of his culture, Cthulhu had gotten fed up and returned to whatever plain of existence he called home. Seeing the gleaming towers and glass walkways stretched out before him filled Legcramp with bloodlust. Somewhere in this urban maze was the FSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS¡¯s central hub, and in that hub would be the key to world domination.This content has been misappropriated from Royal Road; report any instances of this story if found elsewhere. ¡®You got any idea how you¡¯re gonna approach this, man?¡¯ Skeleton asked as they landed on top of a sky, or rather seascraper. ¡®I took over Canada when I was eight,¡¯ Legcramp replied, seawater filling his mouth as he talked. ¡®I think I can conquer one stupid city.¡¯ Skeleton shrugged, then kicked open a service hatch, flooding water into the airlock beyond. ¡®Ladies first.¡¯ Legcramp pushed Skeleton in, then jumped in himself. Several other skeletons, and the newly reanimated fisherman corpses, tried to follow, but Legcramp stopped them. ¡®We go first,¡¯ said Legcramp. ¡®You guys follow fifteen at a time. Reassemble inside.¡¯ Legcramp pulled the lever to close the airlock, then waited for the water to empty out.
The service airlock exited into a series of maintenance areas at the top of the tower. Legcramp and Skeleton explored them until they found an oxygen tank storage facility large enough to hold their army, then signaled for the skeletons to gather in formation. Having skipped maths class in school, Legcramp did not know how to count, but he could tell his army was big enough to do the job. The skeletons saluted to him as he climbed onto a box of tanks for what was sure to be a rousing speech. ¡®Skeletons,¡¯ he began. The skeletons immediately began to cheer. ¡®And also fishermen.¡¯ The zombie fishermen also cheered. ¡®We¡¯re gonna tear this city apart until we find that central hub, okay?¡¯ He circled a group of skeletons with his finger. ¡®You guys go and cut off all supplies and utilities.¡¯ He pointed at another group. ¡®You guys go find out where the central hub is. Kill anyone who doesn¡¯t know.¡¯ He pointed another group. ¡®You guys sabotage building foundations and airlocks.¡¯ Finally, Legcramp pointed at the fishermen. ¡®You guys just break stuff.¡¯ Legcramp gestured at the army to follow him. ¡®Let¡¯s go.¡¯
The skeleton army spilled out onto the crowded plaza like a tidal wave. Windows shattered, pipes burst, people died. It was quite the show. Legcramp smiled, feeling the humans¡¯ fear surround him like a warm blanket. After watching the chaos for a minute or two, he and Skeleton split off from the rampaging army, opting instead to go strolling down the shopping center¡¯s now empty halls. Explosions and screams echoed behind them. Occasionally a skeleton would fall from the ceiling or run between storefronts, often dragging a victim or improvised weapon. The air humidity changed as vital life-support systems broke down. ¡®Man, this is pretty messed up, huh?¡¯ said Skeleton. ¡®Yep,¡¯ said Legcramp, as he kicked a decapitated head out of his way. ¡®What did you say your motivation for doing this was again, man?¡¯ Legcramp gave the universal grunt forI dunno¡®Guess I just don¡¯t like humans.¡¯ ¡®That¡¯s a pretty weak motivation, man, not gonna lie.¡¯ ¡®Hey, it was how I was raised. My mom¡¯s big on the whole vampire superiority thing.¡¯ ¡®You think she¡¯d approve of this, man?¡¯ ¡®I¡¯ll have to ask her next time I see her. Are you trying to talk me out of this?¡¯ ¡®Nah, man. This is cool. I¡¯m over morality.¡¯ ¡®How old did you say you were again?¡¯ ¡®Forever seventeen, man.¡¯ ¡®Dammit.¡¯
Legcramp soon reached the place he was trying to find. A viewing room with an expansive view of the city. The room consisted of a massive window, which cast a watery shadow across rows of airport-like chairs. In one chair a flaming body sat, likely left by a skeleton. Legcramp broke into a nearby vending machine and grabbed a can of Shoggothpop, then slumped down in a seat to watch the carnage. Skeleton did the same. Legcramp took a swig and sighed in ecstasy as a nearby building collapsed in on itself. ¡®Hey,¡¯ said the flaming body, which was apparently still alive. ¡®Hey,¡¯ said Legcramp, assuming Skeleton must have just resurrected it. The body stood up and strolled over to Legcramp. With a start, Legcramp realized therewasno body. It was just a man made of fire. Could Skeleton do that, too? ¡®Are you a vampire?¡¯ asked the fire thing. ¡®¡­ Yes?¡¯ Legcramp replied. ¡®That¡¯s cool,¡¯ said the fire thing. ¡®I met a vampire pretty recently. My name¡¯s Waterman Monoxide, what¡¯s yours?¡¯ CHAPTER TEN - TOURISTS Because it would be too conspicuous, and because it would advance the plot too quickly, Neckbrace and Armwrestle had decided to travel to R¡¯lyeh as tourists rather than jump directly into the city as vampires. Donning their best disguises (consisting of novelty glasses with fake noses and mustaches attached), they had perfectly infiltrated a tourism submarine heading to R¡¯lyeh from the mainland. Neckbrace was itching to see Legcramp get knocked down a few pegs, and she figured Armwrestle felt the same. When she really thought about it, all Legcramp had actually done to Neckbrace was kick her a bit, so maybe her quest for his blood was a little unwarranted, but Neckbrace didn¡¯t care. Having definitive goals was good for one¡¯s mental health. Armwrestle¡¯s motives, however, seemed to run deeper. She had some kind of primal interest in finding Legcramp, more than Neckbrace had previously realized. Neckbrace finished covertly draining the blood from the tourist next to her and turned to Armwrestle. ¡®So what beef you got with Legcramp?¡¯ she asked. ¡®Don¡¯t talk to me,¡¯ Armwrestle replied, staring out the window to her left. Fish, ancient leviathans, and extremely lost scuba divers rushed past as the tourism submarine made its way to the city. Spotting a whale outside, Neckbrace decided to lighten the mood with some trivia. ¡®Hey, did you know whale milk can be as thick as toothpaste?¡¯ Armwrestle shot Neckbrace a nasty death stare. ¡®Literally never talk to me again,¡¯ she said. It was worth a shot, at least.
As Neckbrace was just beginning to grow hungry once more, the submarine¡¯s speakers crackled to life. ¡®Evening, folks. This is your captain speaking. It appears R¡¯lyeh has been overrun by a skeleton army, so I¡¯m gonna turn this baby around and get the heck outta here. Next stop¡¯s Rapture. If you still wanna get off here, the doors are unlocked.¡¯ ¡®See, told ya he¡¯d want to go to the FSSSSSS¡¯ hub first.¡¯ Neckbrace said. Armwrestle, still holding to her promise never to verbally communicate with Neckbrace again, simply stood and made her way to the submarine¡¯s screen door. Neckbrace shrugged to the corpse beside her in exasperation, then shuffled out of her seat. The pair stepped out into the cool, refreshing, crushing pressure of the deep ocean. Armwrestle, wanting to waste no time, immediately jumped off the side of the submarine and began rapidly swimming towards the underwater city, which was paradoxically on fire. Neckbrace made sure to close the door behind her as a courtesy, then shot off after Armwrestle.
They busted in through an airlock to find that the city was as much on fire inside as it was out. As they had gotten closer to the city, it had become clear that most of it had collapsed, and the buildings still standing were in quite the state of disrepair. Regardless of whether or not he had found the SSSFSSSSS hub yet, Legcramp was certainly kicking off his conquest of Earth with a bang. Speaking of bangs, one happened as soon as Neckbrace and Armwrestle turned a corner into a large, indoor park. With the bang came Legcramp himself, bursting through the floor, locked in combat with a man made of fire.If you spot this story on Amazon, know that it has been stolen. Report the violation. ¡®IT¡¯S YOU!¡¯ Neckbrace shouted, pointing at the fire man. Legcramp and the fire man stopped dead in their tracks. ¡®Oh hey, Neckbrace,¡¯ said the fire man, whose name Neckbrace remembered as Waterman Monoxide. ¡®How¡¯s that government job going?¡¯ ¡®Oh great,¡¯ Legcramp said before Neckbrace could respond. ¡®My two least favourite people have arrived. How¡¯d you find me?¡¯ ¡®I had a hunch,¡¯ Neckbrace said. ¡®I seconded that hunch,¡¯ Armwrestle added. ¡®So I guess you guys all know each other? That¡¯s cool,¡¯ said Waterman. ¡®Why are you here?¡¯ Neckbrace asked. ¡®What even are you?¡¯ ¡®Both valid questions,¡¯ said Waterman. ¡®I¡¯ll get out of your hair.¡¯ With a puff of smoke, Waterman vanished into thin air, likely to reappear again at some other unexpected moment. ¡®I don¡¯t suppose either of you two have decided to help me take over and then subsequently destroy this planet?¡¯ Legcramp asked. ¡®I wouldn¡¯t mind a little bit of global genocide but you¡¯re taking this thing way too seriously,¡¯ Neckbrace replied. ¡®You¡¯ve gotta give this thing a rest, Leg,¡¯ said Armwrestle. ¡®Vampires aren¡¯t planet-busters. We¡¯re opportunistic predators.¡¯ ¡®That¡¯s not what the book said,¡¯ Legcramp said. Armwrestle stomped, cracking the ground beneath her. ¡®FORGET THE GOD DAMN BOOK! I knew it would be a terrible birthday present, and I WAS RIGHT.¡¯ ¡®THAT BOOK IS A WORK OF ART!¡¯ Legcramp screamed. ¡®IT WAS A 7/10 AT BEST!¡¯ Armwrestle screamed back. ¡®THAT¡¯S STILL ABOVE AVERAGE IF YOU UTILISE THE ENTIRE 10 POINT RATING SYSTEM!¡¯ ¡®THE ARTWORK WAS LAZILY EXECUTED!¡¯ ¡®IT WAS A DELIBERATE DECISION BY THE ARTIST TO MAKE THE POP-UP FEATURE WORK BETTER!¡¯ ¡®THE POP-UP FEATURE WAS JUST A CHEAP GIMMICK!¡¯ ¡®WHAT ARE WE TALKING ABOUT?¡¯ Neckbrace screamed. Legcramp and Armwrestle, the faces red with anger, turned to her. Armwrestle was the first to explain. ¡®I bought Leg this pop-up book on nuclear apocalypses for his twelfth birthday. It was an impulse purchase. Never should¡¯ve got it.¡¯ ¡®That pop-up book changed my life!¡¯ Legcramp interjected. ¡®You¡¯ve only had it for three weeks!¡¯ Armwrestle replied. ¡®IT CHANGED MY LIFE!¡¯ Legcramp shrieked, smashing a nearby tree in frustration. Neckbrace made a T sign with her hands. ¡®Timeout, timeout. How old are you, Legcramp?¡¯ ¡®He¡¯s twelve,¡¯ Armwrestle answered. Neckbrace looked at the tall, muscular, bald vampire named Legcramp. ¡®You look four-hundred, at least,¡¯ she said. ¡®I¡¯m an early bloomer,¡¯ Legcramp explained. Neckbrace sucked in air through her teeth. She turned to Armwrestle. ¡®And¡­ who are you to him?¡¯ Armwrestle gave an exasperated sigh. ¡®His mother. Not that he would tell you.¡¯ Neckbrace suddenly found all her desires of revenge had been replaced with a profound confusion. She threw her arms in the air and began to walk backwards. ¡®This is too weird,¡¯ she said. ¡®You guys have fun. I¡¯m out.¡¯ Neckbrace kicked off the park¡¯s packed dirt and shot through the ceiling faster than a bullet. Seawater engulfed her for seconds, then she was out in the open air, wind rushing past her. She passed an airplane. The air grew thinner. Clouds shrunk beneath her and the sky darkened. The Earth was now just a blue orb in the distance. She shot past the mysterious giant cube that orbited the planet, focusing her attention on the bright star in the distance that was her home planet Venus. Finally, Neckbrace had realized that Earth was just not worth bothering with. CHAPTER ELEVEN - THE CENTRAL HUB ¡®Well, I guess she¡¯s gone,¡¯ said Armwrestle as the park they stood in rapidly flooded with seawater. ¡®Yep,¡¯ said Legcramp, still annoyed that Armwrestle had told Neckbrace his real age. Legcramp had gone to a lot of trouble gathering flesh to make his body look larger and older than it really was. He was still sixty years away from puberty! He didn¡¯t want to have to wait that long for people to take him seriously! ¡®Think she¡¯ll be back?¡¯ asked Armwrestle as an eel swam past her head. ¡®It¡¯d be real anticlimactic if we never saw her again,¡¯ said Legcramp. Armwrestle grabbed the eel and drained its blood for a quick pick-me-up. Eel blood was always good. ¡®You¡¯re probably right,¡¯ she said. A skeleton swam up to Legcramp and saluted. ¡®¡­¡¯ it said, being unable to speak without vocal cords. ¡®I see,¡¯ said Legcramp. ¡®Good work.¡¯ He turned to Armwrestle. ¡®Whatever you came here to settle, do it now. My army¡¯s found the SSSSSFSSSSSS¡¯ hub.¡¯ ¡®Forget all this conquest crap,¡¯ Armwrestle said. ¡®Forget Earth. This isn¡¯t what vampires do. We don¡¯t conquer. We hunt. Let¡¯s go on a trip. Get away from all this. We can go to Venus, get in touch with our ancestors. The Limb Tribe would be happy to take us in.¡¯ Legcramp stomped his foot. ¡®I¡¯m not stopping now! This is my life¡¯s ambition! This is my DESTINY!¡¯ ¡®It¡¯s just a phase,¡¯ scoffed Armwrestle. ¡®IT¡¯S NOT A PHASE, MOM!¡¯ Armwrestle sighed. ¡®If you¡¯re not gonna stop, at least slow down. Let¡¯s go in and pretend we¡¯re still helping them. Maybe we¡¯ll steal some bombs, kill some world leaders, brew some coffee, but when their backs are turned, we strike. If you want to conquer the planet, do it the vampire way.¡¯
Against his better judgment, Legcramp went along with Armwrestle¡¯s plan without quite knowing why. Was it because he wanted humanity to suffer slowly? Or maybe it was because he still had some tiny nugget of affection for his mother? Nah, it was totally the former. Legcramp couldn¡¯t wait to see the looks on the agents¡¯ faces when he stabbed them in the back and also the front. He was going to do a lot of stabbing. Having allowed his skeleton army to pass into the great beyond, Legcramp and Armwrestle entered the SSSSSSSSF¡¯s central hub alone. The central hub¡¯s entrance had been deviously hidden below a sign that said CENTRAL HUB ENTRANCE, so it was no wonder it had taken so long for his army to discover it. Beyond the entrance was a tastefully decorated reception, manned by an agent behind a curved desk. His nametag read 1341. ¡®Let me do the talking,¡¯ Armwrestle whispered. She walked up to the desk and waited. Agent 1341 was flipping through a magazine and had not seemed to notice her arrival. Armwrestle cleared her throat. 1341 did not look up. Growing impatient, Armwrestle tapped the service bell on the desk. 1341 did not look up. She tapped it several more times. 1341 looked up with a scowl on his face, then grabbed the bell and put it below the desk where Armwrestle couldn¡¯t reach it. Looking satisfied, Agent 1341 turned back to his magazine. Armwrestle groaned in frustration, then grabbed the magazine from 1341¡¯s hands and ate it. There was an article on the history of R¡¯lyeh¡¯s performing arts scene that was surprisingly delicious.This book''s true home is on another platform. Check it out there for the real experience. ¡®Hey, I was reading that,¡¯ said 1341. ¡®We¡¯re the vampires,¡¯ said Armwrestle. ¡®You know, for preventing the apocalypse?¡¯ ¡®So?¡¯ asked 1341. ¡®So, are you gonna let us in?¡¯ 1341 shrugged. ¡®Okay.¡¯ Armwrestle waited for more, then spread her hands in questioning. ¡®Hello?¡¯ ¡®Hello,¡¯ said 1341. ¡®Let us in.¡¯ ¡®Yeah.¡¯ Armwrestle waited for more, then threw her hands in the air. ¡®ARE YOU GONNA LET US IN OR NOT?¡¯ ¡®I¡¯ve let you in.¡¯ ¡®No you haven¡¯t.¡¯ ¡®Yes I have.¡¯ ¡®I¡¯m still standing right here. What part of this is let in to you?¡¯ 1341 pointed to the right. ¡®Door¡¯s right there.¡¯ ¡®And?¡¯ ¡®It¡¯s unlocked.¡¯ ¡®Can we¡­ go in?¡¯ ¡®If you want.¡¯ ¡®Why didn¡¯t you say that earlier?¡¯ 1341 shrugged. ¡®You didn¡¯t ask.¡¯ Armwrestle growled, grabbed Legcramp by the wrist and marched through the door.
Not only was the SSSSSSSSSSSSSSS¡¯ central hub exactly the same as the facility the vampires had previously been held in, the agents within it seemed entirely unaware of the chaos that had occurred outside. Legcramp had found the lowest number agent he could (23) and asked for some directions on where to go. Agent 23 did not know, but he did know that Agent 22 probably knew. So they had gone and found 22. Agent 22 did not know either, but he did know that Agent 21 probably knew. So they had gone and found 21. This continued for several hours until, finally, Agent 9 did know where the vampires were supposed to be. They were supposed to wait in reception for Agent 4 to greet them. So the vampires had gone back to reception and found a very annoyed Agent 4 waiting for their arrival. ¡®You¡¯re late,¡¯ he said. ¡®There was a problem with the train,¡¯ Legcramp explained. ¡®Ah, was it the Chekhov¡¯s Gun?¡¯ Legcramp nodded. ¡®Thought so,¡¯ Agent 4 said. ¡®Something always goes wrong with that thing. So where¡¯re your wands?¡¯ ¡®Wands?¡¯ Armwrestle asked. ¡®Well you can¡¯t cast spells without your wands now, can¡¯t you?¡¯ ¡®We¡¯re not wizards,¡¯ Armwrestle said. ¡®We¡¯re vampires.¡¯ ¡®WHAT?¡¯ Agent 4 cried, slapping his forehead. ¡®I SPECIFICALLY said to get wizards! I bet 3¡¯s responsible for this. Guy¡¯s got some kind of fixation on you people. Well, while you¡¯re here you might as well make yourself useful. Follow me.¡¯ Agent 4 led the two through a door to Agent 1341¡¯s left. A door that led directly to the main command room. Legcramp felt there may be security concerns with such a layout. The command room was an imposing hall with one glass wall covered by a giant set of blinds, a giant projector screen and a large table with five chairs, two on either side and one at the end. Three other agents sat in the chairs by the table¡¯s sides, and Agent 4 soon joined them, leaving only the chair at the end empty. ¡®Where¡¯s Agent 1?¡¯ asked an agent whose nametag read 5. ¡®Maternity leave,¡¯ replied an agent whose nametag read 2. Agent 4 turned to the agent next to him with a scowl. The agent¡¯s nametag read 3. ¡®I¡¯m guessing you¡¯re the guy who invited vampires instead of wizards?¡¯ Agent 4 asked. ¡®Wizards are clich¨¦,¡¯ said Agent 3. ¡®And vampires aren¡¯t?¡¯ said Agent 4. ¡®Hey, these vampires have an interesting twist to them that plays with genre conventions and¡ª¡® Agent 4 laughed. ¡®The history-eating thing? That¡¯s just a gimmick to make up for the weak plot.¡¯ ¡®The plot IS NOT WEAK! Sure it¡¯s a little meandering, but it¡¯s just getting started!¡¯ ¡®A proper plot should begin in the first chapter!¡¯ Agent 4 argued. ¡®Any time later is just wasting words!¡¯ ¡®Are you two done?¡¯ said Agent 2. ¡®Wizards or not, we need them.¡¯ Legcramp stepped up to the table. ¡®Need us for what?¡¯ ¡®We were originally going to get the wizards to cast a denuclearization spell on our enemy, but now we have bigger problems,¡¯ Agent 2 explained. ¡®Agent 5, if you will.¡¯ Agent 5 got up and pulled the cord to raise the blinds. Beyond the glass wall was the SSSSSSSSSSSSSS¡¯ missile silo. Dozens of towering bombs stood at attention in the colossal warehouse, and gathered around the base of each one were giant papery formations. ¡®A few days ago, Agent 94 brought in his beehives for show and tell, but accidentally dropped them in the nuclear missile silo,¡¯ Agent 2 said. ¡®None of us wanted to go near the bees, because we¡¯re all terrified of bees, so we tried to kill them with radiation. Unfortunately, this only mutated them into a race of hyper-intelligent super bees, and they¡¯re holding our bombs for ransom. We need to you vampires to kill them.¡¯ Legcramp had not exactly anticipated this turn of events, but he was all for hyper-intelligent bee genocide. Perhaps working for the SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS could actually be fun. CHAPTER TWELVE - BIG RED BUTTON As it turned out, the bees were pacifists who only wanted to be recognized as an independent sovereign nation. They were also, as Legcramp had learned, easily taken down by store-bought pest control products. After a quick spray of the hives at the base of each missile, the mutant mega-bees who only wanted to live a peaceful existence were brought to painful ends. Legcramp was loving it.
While Legcramp was still giddy with excitement, Armwrestle seemed strangely sober on their way back up to the command room. ¡®I think I know why you want to destroy humanity,¡¯ said Armwrestle. Legcramp gave his mother a sarcastic smirk as he prepared for another one of her speeches. Armwrestle stopped walking. ¡®It¡¯s because you¡¯re a sadistic jerk.¡¯ Legcramp stopped too. ¡®Aren¡¯t¡­ all vampires sadistic?¡¯ ¡®Yeah, but you don¡¯t have to be a jerk about it.¡¯ Legcramp kept walking. ¡®I¡¯ll keep that in mind.¡¯
The pair arrived back at the command room to find the four agents bickering about why they didn¡¯t think to try pest control products before blasting the bees with radiation. As always, the blame was pinned on Agent 3. ¡®Ah you¡¯re back,¡¯ said 2. He gestured to two newly-placed folding chairs. ¡®Take a seat.¡¯ Legcramp and Armwrestle sat as Agent 5 produced a remote and turned the projector at the far end of the room on. A slide with the text THE BIG PLAN appeared, and under it read WIZARD BOMB SQUAD. ¡®Just ignore that second bit,¡¯ said 5. Agent 2 leaned forward, his body silhouetted against the light of the projector. ¡®Now that you¡¯ve dealt with that minor distraction, we can begin discussing our plan for preventing nuclear war.¡¯ Agent 2 waved his hand and 5 switched to the next slide. The slide consisted of four words in block letters: BLOW UP THE SUN. ¡®You see,¡¯ explained Agent 2, ¡®The enemy can¡¯t nuke us if they¡¯re frozen to death.¡¯ ¡®Sounds reasonable,¡¯ said Legcramp. ¡®Indeed. Since you don¡¯t have denuclearization spells, we¡¯ll have to hope the enemy doesn¡¯t discover our plan before we¡¯re able to execute it. As for the execution, we have developed a new type of bomb capable of destroying the Sun. Because the Sun is nuclear-powered, if we use a non-nuclear nuclear bomb, it should counteract the Sun¡¯s nuclear-ness and un-nuclear the Sun, causing it vanish in a puff of smoke. We¡¯ve taken the thrusters off the non-nuclear nuclear bombs to make room for more bomb, so you two will have to take them to the Sun directly.¡¯The story has been stolen; if detected on Amazon, report the violation. Armwrestle raised her hand. ¡®I have multiple issues with this plan.¡¯ ¡®Do tell,¡¯ said 2. ¡®Wouldn¡¯t a non-nuclear nuclear bomb just be a normal bomb?¡¯ Agent 2 gave a pilot chuckle ¡®A fine question, my vampiric friend. Our non-nuclear nuclear bombs are made from drastically amplifying the nuclear-ness of regular nuclear bombs so much so that it circles around to become even more non-nuclear than a normal bomb. Nuclear physics operates on the horseshoe model, after all.¡¯ ¡®So you¡¯re telling me those non-nuclear nuclear bombs in the next room are massively irradiated?¡¯ ¡®Of course! Why, just being in this room means we¡¯re certainly riddled with stage seven super-cancer. Don¡¯t worry, though. We discovered the cure for cancer quite some time ago and have been keeping it a secret as a practical joke.¡¯ ¡®I don¡¯t think vampires can get cancer,¡¯ said Agent 3. ¡®Oh, of course you would know all the vampire lore,¡¯ said 4. ¡®Quit it,¡¯ said 2. ¡®Any more questions?¡¯ he asked Armwrestle. ¡®No, not really,¡¯ said Armwrestle. ¡®Very well. After we blow up the Sun¡ª¡® ¡®Oh that¡¯s right,¡¯ interrupted Armwrestle. ¡®Blowing up the Sun is a horrible, horrible idea.¡¯ ¡®Why?¡¯ asked Agent 2. ¡®You haven¡¯t considered that you¡¯ll freeze to death, too?¡¯ ¡®No we won¡¯t,¡¯ said Agent 2. ¡®We have centralized heating.¡¯ Armwrestle raised a finger in objection, then lowered it with a resigned facial expression. ¡®I hope your concerns have been alleviated,¡¯ 2 said with a smile. ¡®Now then, after we blow up the Sun, the enemy will be vulnerable to attack. Our scientists estimate that the weight of their winter clothing will slow their reaction speed, assuring our victory. Again, you two will assist in this manner, mainly by destroying the enemy and providing hot drinks to us that we may not share their fate.¡¯ This plan excited Legcramp. He had no great love for the Sun, being a vampire and all, and killing a bunch of really cold people sounded like a good time. Before he could come out and profess his approval, an agent burst into the command room. ¡®There¡¯s an intruder in the launch room! He¡¯s going to launch the nukes!¡¯ cried the agent. ¡®Oh, that¡¯s not good,¡¯ said Agent 2. ¡®You vampires better go check it out.¡¯
The launch room was a giant ring of complicated controls, most notably dominated by a big red button labeled LAUNCH ALL THE NUKES (DO NOT PRESS). At the button was a giant bipedal bee. ¡®YOU MONSTERS KILLED MY FAMILY!¡¯ the bee was screaming. ¡®I¡¯LL DO IT! I¡¯LL LAUNCH THEM ALL! I¡¯LL MAKE YOU REGRET EVER INSTALLING THIS HIGHLY DANGEROUS BUTTON!¡¯ Legcramp scoffed and pointed a finger at the bee. A tiny jet of pressurized blood shot out from under his fingernail like a bullet and punched a hole in the bee¡¯s abdomen. The bee dropped dead, its head threateningly close to landing on the big red button. Legcramp felt his heart flutter. He had wanted the bee to land on the button. Even though following through with the SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS¡¯ plan sounded like so much fun, he still wanted a nuclear apocalypse. Legcramp approached the button, kicking the bee¡¯s corpse out of the way. If he pressed the button, he wouldn¡¯t have fun doing the plan. If he didn¡¯t press the button, he would have to wait before killing anyone, and even then they would only be a small handful of living humans. But if he launched the nukes, he wouldn¡¯t be able to kill anyone personally. Decisions, decisions. He thought of what Armwrestle had said: you¡¯re a sadistic jerk. Legcramp wanted to prove her wrong. Following the plan would mean killing one, small group of people, which was clearly discrimination of some kind, whilst launching the nukes would kill everyone equally. It was clearly the morally superior option. Legcramp smiled and thought of how proud Armwrestle would be of him as he pushed the button. As it clicked into place, Legcramp remembered another thing someone had said to him: we¡¯ve taken the thrusters off the non-nuclear nuclear bombs to make room for more bomb. Past the window to the missile silo, the bombs stood still. They couldn¡¯t launch. They couldn¡¯t go anywhere. They just blew up. Maybe Legcramp had made a mistake. CHAPTER THIRTEEN - DIVINE PUNISHMENT Legcramp awoke lying in the irradiated wasteland that was once the Pacific Ocean. A mutated fish that had grown several hundred legs skittered past him and into a nearby pit of raging green fire. A tumor-laden bird dropped from the overcast green sky and landed with a splat beside a three-eyed skull. The howling wind sounded like shrieks of agony and mediocre J-pop. Legcramp sat up with a groan. He had a serious headache and his dope clothes had been vaporized in the blast. ¡®Yello!¡¯ said an annoying voice. Legcramp looked to his right to see a small, ugly, green man with big floppy ears and adorable pointy shoes walking towards him. Legcramp raised an eyebrow. ¡®I yam ye Apocalypse Goblin!¡¯ said the man. Legcramp rested his head in his hands. ¡®Oh for fu¡ª¡® ¡®You¡¯ve done a yery yaughty ying!¡¯ ¡®Please speak normally.¡¯ ¡®No yan do! Yis is my yormal yoice¡¯ ¡®Please speak normally or I will actually kill you.¡¯ ¡®Okay, jeez. You sound like you¡¯re fun at parties. By the way, I do actually do parties.¡¯ The Apocalypse Goblin handed Legcramp his business card. ¡®Birthdays, Halloween, weddings, funerals, you name it. I charge 29.99 an hour.¡¯ Legcramp tossed the card into a nearby fire pit. ¡®What do you want?¡¯ ¡®I¡¯m here to deliver your divine punishment, kid. There¡¯s only so many planets in this solar system, and you just ruined one. The gas giants are goners, Mars is controlled by robots, Mercury is Mercury. Venus and Earth are really the only good ones left. Well, just Venus now.¡¯ ¡®What about Pluto?¡¯ Legcramp asked. ¡®Pfft, you still believe in Pluto?¡¯ Legcramp flopped onto his back. Killing everyone didn¡¯t feel as good as he had anticipated. ¡®So what¡¯s my punishment?¡¯ he asked. ¡®You gotta fix this,¡¯ the Apocalypse Goblin said. ¡®How I am supposed to do that?¡¯ ¡®There¡¯s a time machine in the FBSSOSLT¡¯s western facility. Get to it, go back in time and kill yourself. Not you yourself, the other yourself.¡¯ ¡®Wow, you actually got the acronym right. Also wouldn¡¯t killing the past me cause a paradox or something?¡¯ ¡®Nah.¡¯ ¡®Why not?¡¯ The Goblin shrugged. ¡®Because.¡¯ Legcramp sighed. It wasn¡¯t like he had much else to do in this wasteland anyway. ¡®I¡¯ll do the thing.¡¯If you come across this story on Amazon, be aware that it has been stolen from Royal Road. Please report it. ¡®Yat¡¯s yantastic!¡¯ Legcramp sat up with a scowl. ¡®Hey, what did I say?¡¯ ¡®Sorry, it¡¯s a reflex.¡¯ ¡®So where is this western facility, anyway?¡¯ Legcramp asked as he climbed to his feet and stretched. ¡®West,¡¯ answered the Goblin. ¡®You could go east too but that would take longer.¡¯ ¡®You don¡¯t have a map or anything?¡¯ The Apocalypse Goblin scoffed. ¡®What do I look like, a freakin¡¯ cartographer? Figure it out, it¡¯s your punishment! I¡¯ll see ya there.¡¯ The Goblin took a deep breath, then proceeded to bend down and swallow up his own legs, then torso, then head, until he had totally swallowed himself whole and popped out of existence. Legcramp gave a bemused ¡®Huh,¡¯ then began walking in a random direction, hoping that it was west.
Legcramp had been walking for six days, or at least he thought it was six days. The ever-present sickly green clouds overhead blocked out the sun, so he had no real way of knowing. At least he knew he was going west now, thanks to a helpful community of newly-evolved fish people. On the horizon behind him, Legcramp could make out the incomprehensible form of Cthulhu freaking out over what had become of his city. Legcramp flipped up the hood of his whale-skin poncho (kindly donated by the fish-people), in the hopes it would reduce the likelihood of the Old One noticing him. The radioactive wind battered his grey skin. Enough sunlight filtered its way through the cloud cover to sizzle him in the day. He felt his power waning with every passing hour. When Legcramp had been on a crusade to the end the world, he never thought ending it would affect him too.
Legcramp continued to trudge across the charred seabed for weeks, skirting around mutant monstrosities, sucking history from un-vaporized shipwrecks and taking shelter from the acid rain in irradiated whale carcasses. Occasionally he would find steaming lakes, where seawater had avoided evaporation from the non-nuclear nukes. Other times he would run into settlements built from blackened sandstone and scrap metal, and occupied by mutant people birthed by the blast. Legcramp didn¡¯t know how far he was from any continent, let alone how far he was from the facility itself. None of the horrifying mutants knew anything about his destination, either. Theoretically, Legcramp could just leap thousands of kilometers at a time over and over until he landed near the facility, but history to eat was in scarce supply. He barely had found enough to keep him walking, let alone jumping all over the planet. He needed to conserve energy.
¡®So there I was, about to get sacrificed in front of this skeleton empire¡­¡¯ Legcramp was telling the giant octopus bartender. The bartender nodded his engorged head as Legcramp spoke, but Legcramp doubted he was really listening. The bar was in the crumbling ruin of a former oil platform, and the drinks were made with a mix of diluted acid rain and irradiated oil. They were bad. Really bad. But they were better than nothing, and the oil possessed millions of years of history. Legcramp cringed as he took another sip. In just a few weeks of post-apocalyptic survival, he had been reduced to this. Pathetic. Just as Legcramp was about to get to the exciting part of his story, someone burst through the bar¡¯s corrugated metal doors. She wore an outfit made from the skin of mutants, and carried two swords on either hip. Legcramp gulped as he realized who it was. Armwrestle took a seat beside him and ordered a drink. ¡®I¡¯ve been looking for you,¡¯ she said. ¡®Before you say anything else, I do kinda regret causing the nuclear apocalypse,¡¯ Legcramp quickly reassured. Armwrestle laughed. ¡®I¡¯m over that. This is actually pretty cool. I¡¯m like a wasteland vagabond, traveling from town to town, adored by many, feared by all. I¡¯ve got a movie adaptation in the works.¡¯ ¡®You sound like you¡¯ve got it good,¡¯ Legcramp moped. ¡®I¡¯ve been sent on a quest by a goblin.¡¯ Armwrestle downed her pint of acidic oil in one swig. ¡®What¡¯s the quest?¡¯ ¡®Gotta kill myself.¡¯ ¡®Suicide is never the answer,¡¯ Armwrestle said in her most motherly tone. ¡®Oh no, this is more like temporal homicide.¡¯ ¡®Ah, that¡¯s fine then.¡¯ ¡®Wanna help me?¡¯ ¡®Sounds like fun.¡¯ Legcramp downed another glass. At least he had company, now. CHAPTER FOURTEEN - HIVEMINDS After somewhere between six minutes and six months of trekking across the Pacific wasteland, Legcramp and Armwrestle finally reached the west coast of what was once America. The only thing distinguishing the land from the seabed was that there were ruined buildings instead of ruined ships. Otherwise, it was all just the same, charcoal-black plains. ¡®So you¡¯re sure vampires can¡¯t get cancer?¡¯ Legcramp asked, kicking an ashen skull out of the way. ¡®If we could get cancer, we would have already,¡¯ Armwrestle replied. ¡®Literally everything else on this planet has cancer, thanks to you. All those mutants have cancer, the clouds have cancer, that rock over there has cancer. If Earth wasn¡¯t cancerous before it sure is now.¡¯ BOOM. The ground shook. A flock of winged tumors flew over ahead. ¡®What was that?¡¯ Legcramp said. Armwrestle stopped in her tracks. ¡®Oh no.¡¯ Legcramp stopped too, a quizzical expression on his face. ¡®What¡¯s the matter with you?¡¯ Armwrestle grabbed Legcramp¡¯s arm and pulled him behind a large, cancerous boulder. She put a finger to her lips and shushed him. ¡®It¡¯s the bees,¡¯ she whispered. ¡®What?¡¯ Legcramp whispered back. ¡®I thought we killed them. Besides, even if they¡¯re back can¡¯t we just kill them again?¡¯ ¡®Nonononono! They¡¯ve changed! The bombs did something to them. I had a run in with them before I found you. We can¡¯t win.¡¯ BOOM. The boulder, fearful for its life, spontaneously sprouted legs and ran away, leaving the vampires out in the open. Armwrestle was shaking with fear. Her eyes were wide and her pupils darted around wildly. Protective bone armor was forming over her body. Legcramp had never seen her so afraid. ¡®What¡¯s up with these bees?¡¯ Legcramp muttered to himself. BOOM. BOOM. BOOM. BOOM. On the horizon, Legcramp saw it. It was hundreds of meters tall and just barely humanoid in shape. Its body was a sickly, waxy yellow, and honey dripped off its folds like sweat. Giant bees circled around its lumpy head like guards. Every twenty or so seconds, a torrent of honey would erupt from the gaping hole where its face should be, splattering the ground in front of it. ¡®We¡¯re dead,¡¯ said Armwrestle as the colossal, walking hive stopped in its tracks and stared at the vampires. The hive let out a wet, foghorn-like moan, then dozens of bees exploded from its face-hole, flying down to surround Legcramp and Armwrestle. They carried spears crafted from bones, and wore helmets made of human skulls. A particularly large and intimidating bee hovered out from amongst the crowd. ¡®So, then. You are the sinners who massacred our ancestors,¡¯ he said, his voice deep and buzzing. ¡®I have long dreamed of the day I would meet you.¡¯ Legcramp punched the big bee right in his stupid bee face. The shockwave shattered the ground beneath them and dispersed the clouds miles above, but the bees did not even flinch. ¡®These bees are really overpowered,¡¯ said Legcramp as he held his throbbing hand. ¡®Yeah, I know,¡¯ said Armwrestle. ¡®You are now our prisoners,¡¯ said the big bee. ¡®Anything you say can and will be used against you in the court of bee law.¡¯ ¡®YOU¡¯LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE!¡¯ Legcramp roared.
They took him alive. Legcramp and Armwrestle had been separated and placed into hexagonal cells with some kind of hardened pane of honey instead of bars. The floor shook every time the hive took a step, and the sound of the impacts echoed through the inner halls. So far every part of Legcramp¡¯s cell had proven impervious to his attacks. Legcramp could destroy small moons but he couldn¡¯t bust through a few centimeters of sugar? It seemed awfully contrived. At least the bees had left him some coloring books and a copy of the Bee Movie so he wouldn¡¯t get bored.Reading on this site? This novel is published elsewhere. Support the author by seeking out the original. Legcramp heard Armwrestle¡¯s muffled voice through the wall, ¡®Hey, Leg.¡¯ ¡®Give me a second, I¡¯ve almost finished this page,¡¯ said Legcramp as he grabbed the blue crayon. ¡®I¡¯ve got an idea for how we can get out of here,¡¯ Armwrestle said. Legcramp stopped coloring. ¡®What is it?¡¯ ¡®How well do you know your own brain?¡¯
The bee court of bee law was presided over by the queen bee herself. Her massive, mutant form lay on a pedestal, a constant trickle of honey oozing from her abdomen. Armwrestle and Legcramp stood before her, armed bee guards at their backs and appointed bee lawyers at their sides. The court¡¯s lawyer stood beneath the queen¡¯s podium, looking as imposing as a bee in a suit could look. ¡®DEATH!¡¯ cried the queen. ¡®We haven¡¯t started yet, Your Majesty,¡¯ said the court¡¯s lawyer. ¡®My bad,¡¯ said the queen. The court¡¯s lawyer cleared his throat. ¡®We now begin the trial of the sinners Armcramp and Legwrestle.¡¯ Legcramp raised a hand. ¡®Hey, you got our¡ª¡® ¡®DEATH!¡¯ cried the queen. ¡®It is not yet time to make judgment, Your Majesty,¡¯ said the court¡¯s lawyer. ¡®My bad,¡¯ said the queen. ¡®Would the sinners¡¯ lawyers like to begin?¡¯ asked the court¡¯s lawyer. As Legcramp¡¯s lawyer launched into some speech about how his client is obviously guilty but a death sentence would be stooping to his level, Armwrestle gave the signal. Legcramp squelched to her in affirmation, then dropped off the back of his own ankle and flopped onto the ground. Back in their cells, Legcramp and Armwrestle had surrounded their brains with excess muscle, exited their own skulls, then given their bodies exact copies of their brains made from reused flesh. The Legcramp and Armwrestle attending the trial would be mere fakes, whilst the disembodied brains of the real pair would be skidding to freedom! It was a flawless plan by every stretch of the imagination.
Once the two brains had scooted out of the court, Armwrestle turned to Legcramp and squelched Do you think they noticed? Legcramp squelched back No chance. Hey, I just thought of something, squelched Armwrestle. What is it? squelched Legcramp. What are we gonna do when we get out of here? squelched Armwrestle. What do you mean? squelched Legcramp. I mean, we don¡¯t have bodies anymore. You don¡¯t see that as an issue? squelched Armwrestle. I see your point. How about when they decide to kill us, we find our dead bodies and get back into them? squelched Legcramp. I think I might have a better idea, squelched Armwrestle.
The walking hive¡¯s brain was a giant mass of hyper-intelligent honey, swarming with larvae that fed off its raw, sugary energy. The vampires had managed to get up to the brain undetected by squeezing through the hive¡¯s delicious veins. Now the ultimate test awaited. Legcramp was reluctant to connect his brain to that of the hive¡¯s. What if he couldn¡¯t control it? What if it took over his mind? Legcramp wasn¡¯t used to feeling so powerless. Armwrestle had assured him it would be fine. Even if its body was an indestructible fortress, the hive¡¯s brain would be no match for a vampire¡¯s, especially two of them. Against his better judgment, Legcramp snaked his brain stem out and connected it to the hive¡¯s molten mass. Armwrestle did the same. For a split second, the hive¡¯s brain acted as a bridge between Legcramp and Armwrestle¡¯s brains. Legcramp saw his mother¡¯s memories. There were a lot of people and places he didn¡¯t recognize. Before he could try and put a name to any of them, he became fully connected to the hive, and saw through its eyes instead. The hive stopped walking and shuddered for a few seconds. Armwrestle and Legcramp were now controlling it. Before they could turn the hive¡¯s power on itself, they noticed a lone stranger about a kilometer ahead of them. Even with the hive¡¯s powerful eyesight, they couldn¡¯t see the stranger¡¯s face below his hood. He gave a small wave, then he was gone. After a brief moment of confusion, the vampires focused back on destroying their new body. Before they could start, however, something else did it for them. The hive¡¯s chest exploded open, showering honey and beeswax across the wasteland. The floor of the hive¡¯s brain chamber broke apart, and the vampire brains fell into the chaos below. Giant bees died left and right from the unseen attacker. The head of the queen flew past the falling brains. Then Legcramp spotted them: their bodies, cowering on a still-standing section of the hive¡¯s splintering body. Legcramp extended a coil of muscle and grabbed Armwrestle¡¯s brain. Stretching his brain stem as far as it would go, he managed to hook onto the platform their bodies stood upon. Legcramp and Armwrestle frantically climbed onto the platform, up their bodies, and squeezed into their ears till they were back in their skull cavities safe and sound. The pair had barely enough time to vomit up their clone brains before the entire hive collapsed, sending them tumbling to the ground.
Legcramp and Armwrestle landed in a huge glob of honey. They forced their way out, coughing and spluttering, to see a field of destruction surrounding them. For hundreds of meters in every direction lay dead bees and the ruins of the hive. Occasionally something would twitch or crumble, but whatever had done this had been undoubtedly thorough. ¡®Well, that was something,¡¯ said Armwrestle. ¡®Indeed it was,¡¯ said a raspy, unfamiliar voice. The pair spun around to see the figure from earlier. He wore an immaculate, entirely black suit, with polished shoes and white gloves. Around his shoulders was a hooded silk cloak that obscured his face. The stranger stepped forward and lowered his hood. His skin was a pale grey. His pupils were blood red. He had prominent fangs protruding from his mouth. ¡®Perhaps I should introduce myself,¡¯ said the vampire. ¡®My name is Agent 1.¡¯ CHAPTER FIFTEEN - AGENT 1 Agent 1 held up a finger. ¡®Wait. You people are vampires?¡¯ Legcramp and Armwrestle slowly nodded in unison. Agent 1 thought to himself for a moment. ¡®Why¡­ are you here? On Earth, I mean.¡¯ ¡®Because you hired us?¡¯ said Armwrestle. ¡®No, no, no, that can¡¯t be right,¡¯ said Agent 1. ¡®I very explicitly told Agent 3 to hire wizards. Vampires would likely just set off the bombs as soon as they saw the button. It took all my willpower not to do it myself.¡¯ ¡®Well Agent 3 hired vampires,¡¯ said Armwrestle. Agent 1 growled. ¡®I knew I couldn¡¯t trust him. I would kill him myself, were he not already a smoldering pile of ash.¡¯ He turned to Legcramp. ¡®I assume you were the one who set off the bombs?¡¯ Legcramp shrugged. ¡®You got me.¡¯ ¡®I imagine the Apocalypse Goblin has already instructed you to kill your past self, then?¡¯ Legcramp nodded, feeling slightly bewildered. ¡®Good!¡¯ Agent 1 clapped. ¡®Let¡¯s be off then.¡¯ As Agent 1 began walking off in a seemingly random direction, Legcramp and Armwrestle looked at each other with mixed feelings of confusion and concern. ¡®I¡­ blew up the bombs and destroyed the world,¡¯ Legcramp said, as if confessing to a crime. Agent 1 stopped and looked back. ¡®Yes, you did. A shame, that, but the past is in the past. Well, it won¡¯t be for long, but you get what I mean.¡¯ ¡®You¡¯re not¡­ mad?¡¯ asked Legcramp. Agent 1 smiled. ¡®Why would I be? It¡¯s not your fault. It¡¯s Agent 3¡¯s for hiring you against my orders. Besides, as long as we can defeat The Enemy, it doesn¡¯t matter how many deaths we cause. The ends always justify the means, after all.¡¯ Agent 1 turned and started walking again. ¡®Now, keep up! We have a long walk ahead of us!¡¯ Armwrestle and Legcramp glanced at each other once more, then followed after him.
As one might expect from the owner and founder of the SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSFS, Agent 1 had the exact locations of all facilities across the globe memorized, including the western one where the time machine was held. ¡®So how does a vampire find himself in charge of a human organization?¡¯ Armwrestle asked as they trekked across the dead plains of America. ¡®Ah, funny story, that,¡¯ said Agent 1. ¡®Back on Venus I was a vindicator, a kind of bounty hunter for stray vampires. One day I had to chase a fugitive all the way to Earth. I never found the fugitive, but I did find something far more important. Knowledge. Knowledge of The Enemy¡¯s existence. Once I learned of the threat The Enemy poses to us all, I abandoned my role as a vindicator and founded the SEGSGFTSESGOTG.¡¯Reading on Amazon or a pirate site? This novel is from Royal Road. Support the author by reading it there. ¡®The what?¡¯ Legcramp said. Agent 1 looked at Legcramp, his expression nonplussed. ¡®The Secret Evil Global Shadow Government For The Secret Evil Shadow Governing Of The Globe, of course. What else could it stand for?¡¯ ¡®Did you come up with all these acronyms yourself?¡¯ Legcramp asked. ¡®Why, yes!¡¯ Agent 1 beamed. ¡®It¡¯s a personal hobby of mine, in fact.¡¯
Tired of all the walking and acid rain, the three vampires took shelter in a crumbling gas station. The cashier at the station had actually been still alive, albeit with several more heads than what was considered fashionable. After seeing the vampires, however, the cashier¡¯s heads had launched into some kind of civil war with each other, eventually ending with mutually assured destruction. Armwrestle ending up using his body as kindling for a campfire.
Legcramp sat cross-legged, staring into the foul-smelling flame. He had a lot of conflicting feelings buzzing about in his head. Far more than what could accurately be described in a 1000-2000 word chapter. To make a long story short, they generally revolved around Legcramp being responsible for the desolation of an entire planet. A common problem faced by many contemporary preteens. Agent 1 handed Legcramp a fossil to chew on and a can of blood to drink. ¡®Oh, there¡¯s some Genghis Khan in this one,¡¯ Armwrestle said as she took a swig of her blood can. Agent 1 chuckled. ¡®Ah, I remember that fellow. I wonder what became of him.¡¯ ¡®I think he died or something,¡¯ said Armwrestle. ¡®Ah, a shame,¡¯ Agent 1 said. ¡®Perhaps I shall resurrect him sometime.¡¯ Armwrestle took a bite of her fossil. ¡®Hey, I wanna ask you something.¡¯ ¡®Please do,¡¯ said Agent 1. ¡®What¡¯s your vampire name? Because I¡¯m guessing it¡¯s not Agent 1.¡¯ Agent 1 titled his head. ¡®Vampire name?¡¯ he asked. ¡®Your real name. Y¡¯know, a body part and a word relating to that body part. Like Armwrestle, Kneecap, Kidneystone, etcetera, etcetera.¡¯ Agent 1 raised his eyebrows in realization. ¡®Ah, of course! I was called Heartburn.¡¯ Armwrestle froze. Her grey skin seemed to turn even greyer. ¡®What was the name of that fugitive you said you chased here?¡¯ Agent 1, or rather Heartburn, put a finger to his chin. ¡®Ahhh¡­ hmmm¡­ Elbowgrease! That was him. I do sometimes wonder what became of him.¡¯ ¡®¡­Yeah.¡¯ Armwrestle¡¯s voice was small. ¡®Hey, Cramps. Follow me, we need to have one of those mother/son talks.¡¯ Confused, Legcramp stood up and followed Armwrestle outside.
With the light of Earth¡¯s cubic moon blocked by radioactive smog, the night was totally pitch black. In the distance, Legcramp could make out the glowing green eyes of mutant predators. Armwrestle led him into the darkness and out of Heartburn¡¯s earshot. ¡®Elbowgrease is my dad,¡¯ she whispered. ¡®Your grandfather. He told me about Heartburn when I young.¡¯ ¡®So what?¡¯ Legcramp whispered back. Armwrestle leaned in close. Even with the body mass Legcramp had collected, she was still taller than him. ¡®This Heartburn guy¡¯s bad news,¡¯ she whispered. ¡®He¡¯s one of the strongest vampires to ever live. Chest Tribe. If he finds out we¡¯re related to¡ª¡® ¡®Oh, don¡¯t worry,¡¯ said Heartburn, who had somehow snuck up on them without them noticing. ¡®I have no interest in finding Elbowgrease. At least not yet.¡¯ ¡®Not yet?¡¯ Armwrestle said, grabbing Legcramp¡¯s shoulder and slowly backing up. ¡®Oh no, we have to defeat The Enemy, first! The Enemy takes priority! I will let the whole Solar System fall into ruin before I let The Enemy out of my clutches!¡¯ Legcramp shrugged off Armwrestle¡¯s hand and stepped forward. ¡®Okay, who is this Enemy?¡¯ Heartburn laughed. Not a sensible, polite laugh like before, but a manic, uproarious howling. ¡®WHO IS THE ENEMY?¡¯ he shrieked. ¡®THE ENEMY IS THE MOST DESPICABLE, MOST HEINOUS, MALEVOLENT, NEFARIOUS, EVIL BEING TO EVER EXIST. OF COURSE! YOU KNOW OF WHO I SPEAK, DO YOU NOT?¡¯ ¡®I don¡¯t¡ª¡® Legcramp began. ¡®YES, INDEED! IT IS THAT VILLIAN BODACIOUS BARRY, AND HIS DASTARDLY CREW! THE MOST WICKED PIRATES TO EVER SAIL THE SOLAR SYSTEM!¡¯ As Heartburn collapsed into a shrieking mess, Legcramp sat down on a nearby rock and held his head in his hands. Not only was Agent 1 an immensely powerful vampire with a contract to capture Legcramp¡¯s grandfather, he was completely insane, too. CHAPTER SIXTEEN - BODACIOUS BARRY AND THE ICE BAG GANG ¡®G¡¯day! Me name¡¯s Bodacious Barry but me mates call me Bazza. You¡¯re not one a¡¯me mates, though, so you gotta call me Bodacious Barry, aight?¡¯ Neckbrace groaned. Not only had she been kidnapped once again, but this time she had been kidnapped by this¡­ person. Bodacious Barry looked exactly as you would expect him to look. And smelled just as bad. Neckbrace sat up in her cramped prison cell, feeling the weight of the future-alloy collar around her neck. She had been so close to Venus. If only she hadn¡¯t flown into that space-whaling net, everything would have been fine. Barry stood beyond the cell bars, a beer in his hand. ¡®You¡¯re one of them vampire buggers, yeah?¡¯ Neckbrace nodded. She was indescribably hungry. Barry scratched his neck. ¡®You wouldn¡¯t happen to know of this Heartburn bloke would ya?¡¯ he asked. ¡®Never heard of him,¡¯ Neckbrace rasped. ¡®Ah, shame. I nicked one of his chips when I was last on Earth and I think he¡¯s still pissed. I would be, too, if I¡¯m being totally honest.¡¯ ¡®What are you gonna do with me?¡¯ Neckbrace asked. ¡®I dunno, eat ya?¡¯ Barry said. Neckbrace stared at him, and Bodacious Barry exploded into laughter. ¡®Damo!¡¯ he called out. ¡®You gotta see this, mate!¡¯ Damo, who looked exactly as you would expect him to, sauntered over. ¡®What¡¯s goin¡¯ on, Bazza?¡¯ he asked. Barry was almost choking with laughter. ¡®Told the vampire chick I would eat ¡®er, and she made this¡­ Do the face again!¡¯ Neckbrace stared at him. Barry and Damo were virtually rolling on the floor. Barry wiped a tear from his eye. ¡®Don¡¯t worry, though, we aren¡¯t actually gonna eat ya. We¡¯ll just sell ya somewhere.¡¯ Neckbrace stared at him. ¡®Classic,¡¯ said Barry. He elbowed Damo. ¡®Hey, go get Jim. He¡¯s gotta see the face.¡¯ Neckbrace didn¡¯t know what it was about her face that was so funny. Barry started ruffling around in his jean pockets. ¡®Hey, ya know what?¡¯ ¡®What?¡¯ asked Neckbrace.The author''s narrative has been misappropriated; report any instances of this story on Amazon. ¡®You¡¯re part of the crew now!¡¯ Barry unlocked the cell¡¯s door and let it swing open. ¡®Welcome to the Ice Bag Gang!¡¯
Neckbrace was still very confused as she sat in the canteen of Bodacious Barry¡¯s ship (which she had learned was called The BB Gun). Did Barry just recruit all prisoners he captured, or was it because of Neckbrace¡¯s allegedly funny face? Or maybe it was as simple as the fact that she was a vampire. Neckbrace couldn¡¯t tell whether Barry was deceptively incompetent, or just incompetent. She chowed down on her massively expired fish and chips, lost in thought. ¡®I get how you¡¯re feeling,¡¯ said a familiar voice. Neckbrace turned to her right to see the flaming form of Waterman Monoxide sitting next to her. She spat out her spacemaggot-infested calamari and stared at him. ¡®YOU AGAIN?¡¯ she cried. ¡®Oh, it¡¯s Neckbrace!¡¯ said Waterman. ¡®Hi, Neckbrace! Didn¡¯t recognize you.¡¯ Neckbrace stammered, ¡®What¡­ how are you here?¡¯ Waterman made some kind of hissing noise that sounded a bit like laughter. ¡®Funny story! So your friends Armgirl and Legboy were talking with those government guys, and I was spying on them, cause I¡¯m a creep, but then one of the government guys said he was going to blow up the Sun! Now, it¡¯s not like I was born on the Sun or anything, because I¡¯m a totally normal human born on Earth, but I do, coincidentally, have a lot of friends who were born on the Sun, so it¡¯s in my best interest if the Sun were to not be blown up.¡¯ Neckbrace took another bite of her food. ¡®Uh huh.¡¯ Waterman continued. ¡®So, I thought to myself Ah, gotta stop this, right? So then I went touring around the Solar System for a while, looking for other people with a generally positive opinion of the Sun, then I met Bazza and he was like Oi mate wanna help me rob some people? and I was like Sure, but can you help me save the sun from being blown up while we¡¯re at it? and he was like Why? We got centralized heating here, mate. Won¡¯t bother us if the Sun goes boom and I was like That¡¯s a pretty defeatist attitude and he was like You¡¯ve got a good point, mate and I was like That¡¯s very open-minded of you to say so and he was like If you help us rob this ship called The Rainbow, we¡¯ll help ya save the Sun and I was like What¡¯s on this Rainbow ship that you want so bad? and he was like There¡¯s some cool tech we can sell for a heap of cash and I was like That seems reasonable and he was like Yeah and I was like Cool, I¡¯ll help you and he was like Cheers, mate and but then I was really hungry from all that talking so I went to the canteen and then I saw this confused looking girl so I sat beside her and then I saw it was you and then I started telling you this story and that¡¯s the end of the story.¡¯ ¡®¡­Uh huh,¡¯ said Neckbrace. ¡®So, whaddaya say?¡¯ asked Waterman. ¡®¡­About what?¡¯ ¡®You gonna help Bazza rob The Rainbow?¡¯ Neckbrace growled. ¡®I¡¯d rather just go back to Venus, like I¡¯ve been trying to do for FIFTEEN FREAKIN¡¯ CHAPTERS!¡¯ ¡®Then I guess we got ourselves a mutually beneficially transaction, eh?¡¯ said Barry, taking a seat across from Neckbrace with a tray of slightly less spoiled fish and chips in his hands. ¡®What are you suggesting?¡¯ asked Neckbrace. ¡®I¡¯m sayin¡¯ you should help us rob The Rainbow, and then we¡¯ll take that collar off ya and you¡¯ll be free to go back to Mars or whatever, yeah?¡¯ Neckbrace groaned. She really, really just wanted to go home. ¡®Fine,¡¯ she said. ¡®How long till we rob this place?¡¯ Barry checked his watch. ¡®About thirty seconds, I reckon.¡¯ The flickering lights of the canteen began flashing red and a klaxon alarm rang over the speaker system. ¡®Looks like I was thirty seconds off,¡¯ said Barry. CHAPTER SEVENTEEN - NOSEBLEEDS JUST WANNA HAVE FUN As it turned out, the SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSFSSSSSSSSSSSSS¡¯ western facility was located in Mount Rushmore 2, a secretly constructed monument depicting America¡¯s true reptilian overlords, rather than the human presidents of the first version. The facility¡¯s interior was a little more nuclear apocalypsey compared to the last time Legcramp had been there, but otherwise it was surprisingly intact. The only effectively destroyed part was The Dome, which had leaked extradimensional nightmares throughout the facility. The hulking undead creature had also escaped and was building adorable log cabins across the wasteland outside. Heartburn led them through the facility¡¯s hallways, atomizing any mutant or shoggoth that shambled into their path. Eventually they reached the door to the time machine room. The label on the door must have been incorrect, however, as there was no time machine inside. Heartburn crossed his arms with a huff. ¡®Well, that¡¯s annoying.¡¯ ¡®What now?¡¯ asked Armwrestle. ¡®We could attempt to take on The Enemy by ourselves,¡¯ said Heartburn. ¡®But I fear even with our combined vampiric power, Bodacious Barry would overwhelm us. We could check the paradox room and hope a version of the time machine from another timeline is stored in there, I suppose.¡¯ Armwrestle shrugged. ¡®Guess we¡¯ve got nothing to lose.¡¯ ¡®I¡¯m afraid there is no time machine in the paradox room,¡¯ said someone else. The three vampires spun around to see another vampire blocking the door behind them. The vampire was tall and covered with jet black tattoos. He seemed familiar but Legcramp couldn¡¯t remember how. ¡®You¡¯re the quiet guy!¡¯ said Armwrestle. ¡®Nosebleed, yes,¡¯ said the vampire. ¡®Ordinarily I would not speak to Earth-born scum, but seeing as you are accompanied by a vindicator, I will make an exception.¡¯ Nosebleed turned to Legcramp. ¡®And also because I have business with the child.¡¯ Legcramp looked left and right, then gulped when he realized Nosebleed was probably talking about him. So much for his attempt to look grown-up. ¡®When you set off those explosives, I was preparing to initiate my own global genocide,¡¯ explained Nosebleed. ¡®I am bored, and you have stolen my one chance at entertainment. Now you must perish.¡¯ Legcramp held up his hands in defense. ¡®Can¡¯t you just watch Parks and Rec¡ª¡® Nosebleed¡¯s fist hit harder than anything Legcramp had felt before. As soon as the knuckles brushed Legcramp¡¯s cheek, his entire head flew off, smashed against the wall, and burst into a fine red paste. He grew a new head just in time to see Heartburn grappling with Nosebleed. ¡®Very sorry, but I¡¯m afraid I need these vampires to fight The Enemy!¡¯ Heartburn said.The author''s narrative has been misappropriated; report any instances of this story on Amazon. ¡®Stay out of this, vindicator!¡¯ Nosebleed replied, breaking free of Heartburn''s grasp and jumping backward. Nosebleed roared, then his head detached from his neck and shot forward, a hyper-elongated spine trailing behind. Nosebleed¡¯s jaws opened disgustingly wide, then clamped shut over Heartburn¡¯s nose. ¡®AGH, MY NOSE!¡¯ said Heartburn as Nosebleed¡¯s head retracted back. Heartburn waited the split second for his nose to regrow, then began breathing in mass amounts of air. The room became a near vacuum as Heartburn¡¯s lungs filled to capacity. A blue glow and the scent of delicious curry emanated from Heartburn¡¯s chest. Nuclear fusion. Heartburn was fusing the atoms of the air within his body. In two seconds flat, Heartburn had created iron out of the air he had breathed in. He quickly absorbed the excess energy into his muscles and then spat a glob of molten metal at Nosebleed¡¯s head. The liquid hit with a sizzling hiss. Nosebleed staggered backward, desperately attempting to rip it off his face. The iron cooled rapidly, encasing the vampire¡¯s head in solid metal. Before Heartburn could follow up with another attack, however, Nosebleed thought really hard about the plot of Neon Genesis Evangelion, causing his brain to superheat and melt the iron. Nosebleed shook his head faster than the speed of sound. The ensuing shockwave shot bullets of molten iron in a spray around him, punching holes in the reinforced walls. Legcramp and Armwrestle were about to join the fray when two more vampires burst through the weakened walls and grabbed them from behind. Legcramp twisted around to see the vampire¡¯s face. It was Nosebleed. Another Nosebleed. The vampire that had grabbed Armwrestle was also Nosebleed. Several more Nosebleeds burst through the time machine room¡¯s door. Another dozen Nosebleeds exploded through the floor, grabbing the ankles of Heartburn. ¡®You want to know where the time machine is?¡¯ Nosebleed, the first Nosebleed that is, said. ¡®I took it. Once I had seen the destruction you caused, I stole the time machine with the intent of reversing things to the way they were, but then I arrived at a better conclusion. I went back in time and found myself. Then the other me stole the time machine from that timeline and went to another timeline and got the me from that timeline¡­¡¯ For the next thirty minutes, Nosebleed elaborately described how he had exploited the vague and inconsistent mechanics of time travel to amass an army of three million versions of himself. ¡®Okay,¡¯ said Legcramp, growing annoyed by the Nosebleeds grappling him. ¡®Can you please get to the point? I¡¯m getting a cramp here. Get it? Because my name is¡ª¡¯ He was interrupted by every Nosebleed in the room laughing simultaneously. Legcramp thought they were laughing at his joke at first, but then the Nosebleeds began speaking as one. ¡®The Earth is only the beginning. We will multiply until we engulf the planet, then we will engulf the entire Solar System, and it will be FUN!¡¯ ¡®Then the entire galaxy?¡¯ Legcramp asked. ¡®No, that would just be ridiculous,¡¯ the Nosebleeds responded. ¡®We have to keep our ambitions realistic, after all.¡¯ ¡®What of The Enemy?¡¯ said Heartburn as he struggled against the vampires dog piled on top of him. ¡®How can you hope to defeat Bodacious Barry?¡¯ ¡®I think you have some serious hang-ups about this Barry guy,¡¯ said Armwrestle. ¡®Is he even a vampire?¡¯ ¡®Well, no,¡¯ said Heartburn. ¡®But¡ª¡® ¡®Is he a human?¡¯ ¡®Yes¡­. But¡­. But you CANNOT UNDERESTIMATE HIM!¡¯ ¡®Why?¡¯ asked Legcramp. ¡®What¡¯s so dangerous about him?¡¯ Heartburn looked away. ¡®You wouldn¡¯t understand. It is beyond your comprehension.¡¯ The Nosebleeds spoke again, ¡®If you are all finished with this meaningless talk, we would like to get onto discussing the matter of throwing you all into the Sun.¡¯ CHAPTER EIGHTEEN - BODACIOUS BARRY RIDES THE RAINBOW The BB Gun¡¯s boarding skip was cramped and stank of cheap deodorant. Neckbrace sat crammed between Bodacious Barry and a worm monster named Kim. She was pretty sure Kim was the source of the deodorant smell. To take her mind off the unpleasant atmosphere, Neckbrace leaned towards Barry and asked, ¡®So tell me more about this Heartburn guy.¡¯ ¡®Yeah, I¡¯m pretty sure the bloke¡¯s off his meds,¡¯ Barry replied. ¡®Ever since the chips thing he keeps threatenin¡¯ to murder me. Really exacerbates me anxiety disorder, yeah? So to get ¡®im off me back I got me mates to grab some blackmail. Heartburn won¡¯t go near me now that I got those embarrassing photos of ¡®im at the Christmas party. Pretty sure he¡¯s more pissed off than ever now, though.¡¯ ¡®Huh,¡¯ Neckbrace said.
The Rainbow was basically the spacefaring embodiment of the 70¡¯s. Neckbrace found this a strange analogy to make considering that Vampire Bomb Squad ostensibly takes place in the 60¡¯s, but whatever. Its curving, white and orange form loomed in the distance past the skip¡¯s extremely unsafe glass window. As it grew rapidly near, Neckbrace could make out the tiny shapes of maintenance workers in spacesuits hurriedly climbing to the airlocks in fear. When the boarding skip slowed down in preparation to dock at The Rainbow¡¯s port, Bodacious Barry began to explain their plan. There exists a pattern in fiction where if the protagonists¡¯ plan is explained to the audience, then it must certainly go awry at some point. Inversely, if the plan is never explained, then it must succeed. So to ensure that Barry¡¯s plan succeeds, this part of the chapter will be skipped.
¡®¡­and that¡¯s the plan,¡¯ Barry finished as the boarding skip arrived at The Rainbow¡¯s expansive, and probably expensive, docking port. The Rainbow was either very well maintained or very recently built, as there did not appear to be a single scratch or spot of dust throughout the whole port. ¡®Hey, Bazza?¡¯ said Jim. ¡®Can you explain that plan again? I wasn¡¯t listening.¡¯ ¡®No worries, mate,¡¯ said Barry. ¡®I¡¯ll just explain it again, to make absolutely sure nothing goes awry in an unexpected manner. So we¡¯re pretending to be the last remains of a crew whose ship was stolen by Mercurian pirates, aight? We¡¯ll ask to be taken to the sick bay cause we got someone who needs medical attention. That¡¯s where our good mate Damo comes in. Damo¡¯s gonna pretend to have hemorrhoids, so he¡¯ll be our ticket into the sick bay. ¡® ¡®Actually, I really do have hemorrhoids, Bazza,¡¯ said Damo. Barry clapped him on the shoulder. ¡®I knew I could count on ya, Damo. Anyway, by the time we¡¯ve got some cream for Damo, we¡¯ll¡¯ve earned the captain¡¯s complete trust, and that¡¯s when we stab ¡®em in the back. Everyone got that?¡¯ Everybody nodded. They were ready. Barry counted down from three, then pulled the lever to open the skip¡¯s main door. The door hissed open and Barry rushed out in a frenzy. ¡®SOMEONE HELP! IT¡¯S ME MATE DAMO! HE¡¯S GOT¡­ REAL¡­ bad¡­ hemorr¡­¡¯ ¡®Freeze, pirates!¡¯ said The Rainbow¡¯s captain, with a fully armed squadron of Martian warriors at his side. The captain himself was also a Martian it would seem, judging by the cylindrical camera he had in place of a head. Barry put his hands up and the rest of Barry¡¯s crew (plus Neckbrace) filed out of the skip and did the same. ¡®I don¡¯t get it,¡¯ Barry whispered to Neckbrace. ¡®Me plan was perfect. How did it fail?¡¯You might be reading a pirated copy. Look for the official release to support the author.
At the very least, The Rainbow¡¯s prison was much nicer than The BB Gun¡¯s. It was more of an isolated village in the heart of the ship than anything resembling a brig. There was farmland, houses, a self-contained economy, a Starbucks, another Starbucks, a forest, a Satanic cult that lived in the forest; it was basically just like Venus, only without the crushing pressure and heat. Neckbrace would still rather be back on Venus, but she was content to rest up here for now. Barry, on the other hand, was not. ¡®Oi, we gotta get outta here, Necko,¡¯ said Barry, rudely interrupting Neckbrace¡¯s free demon-summoning lesson provided by the cultists. ¡®What did you just call me?¡¯ Neckbrace asked, turning around and leaving the demon she was summoning half-stuck in the pentagram. ¡®Hey, a little help here, dudes?¡¯ Krukoxilis the Blood Festerer asked. A couple of nearby cultists rushed over to help him out of the pentagram. ¡®Necko. That¡¯s ya nickname. Pretty sick, ay?¡¯ said Barry. Neckbrace groaned. ¡®So, what¡¯s the rush?¡¯ Barry seemed quite stressed. A bead of tanned sweat rolled down his tanned forehead. ¡®I got a buyer waitin¡¯ on me, right? Says he¡¯ll gut me if I don¡¯t get this ship¡¯s tech.¡¯ ¡®Tell you what,¡¯ said Neckbrace. ¡®Take this collar off me and I¡¯ll get us out of here.¡¯ Barry put a finger to his chin. ¡®I dunno if that¡¯s a good idea, Necko. Vampires can get pretty nasty, yeah?¡¯ ¡®That¡¯s just racism,¡¯ said Neckbrace. ¡®Speciesism, actually,¡¯ Barry corrected. ¡®¡­ Yeah.¡¯ ¡®Aight, fine,¡¯ Barry said, withdrawing a key from the great jungle of his chest hair. ¡®You better not just fly back to Venus as soon as I get this off, though.¡¯ He unlocked the collar. Before it could hit the ground, Neckbrace was off. She couldn¡¯t believe how easy it had been to trick him! She burst through the bulkhead above, then the bulkhead above that, then the bulkhead above¡­ Something grabbed her. Hard. Just before Neckbrace was about to burst out of the ship and into freedom, something had grabbed her neck and was holding her aloft as if she were a ragdoll. The thing threw her across the room, and she smashed against the wall hard enough to melt its metal plating. Neckbrace coughed and spluttered, trying to regain enough sense to jump off again, but before she could, the thing was on her once again. This time, however, she saw what it was. It was a vampire. He was insanely huge and muscular, at least ten feet tall (or 3.2217e-16 light years for metric system users), and was denting the metal plating beneath him with weight alone. ¡®I AM JAWBREAKER!¡¯ said the vampire as he held Neckbrace up by her hair. ¡®WHAT IS YOUR NAME?¡¯ ¡®Neckbrac¡ª¡® ¡®SHUT UP! I DIDN¡¯T TELL YOU TO SPEAK! DO YOU KNOW WHY THEY CALL ME JAWBREAKER?¡¯ ¡®I don¡¯t¡ª¡® ¡®SHUT UP! THEY CALL ME JAWBREAKER BECAUSE I BREAK JAWS! AND I BREAK JAWS BECAUSE I AM CALLED JAWBREAKER! IT IS A FEEDBACK LOOP!¡¯ Neckbrace didn¡¯t say anything. ¡®WHY ARE YOU NOT TALKING?¡¯ Jawbreaker punched Neckbrace in the head so hard the atoms of her face briefly ascended to the eighth dimension. Once she had returned to a more familiar plain of existence, Neckbrace modified the molecules in her hair to transform each individual strand into a centipede, which were coincidentally Jawbreaker¡¯s greatest phobia. Jawbreaker recoiled in fright, finally letting Neckbrace go. Taking advantage of the opening, Neckbrace leaped directly forward and roundhouse-kicked Jawbreaker in the head, ironically breaking his jaw. Jawbreaker responded by grabbing Neckbrace¡¯s leg and swinging her in a wide arc fast enough to tear her body in two. Unfortunately for Jawbreaker, this suited Neckbrace just fine. Her legs quickly grew a new upper body and her upper body grew new legs. Now there were two Neckbraces. The Neckbraces jumped at Jawbreaker from opposite sides and refused into one Neckbrace with Jawbreaker between them, leaving his head trapped in her stomach. He screamed as Neckbrace¡¯s hyper-active stomach acid digested his head to give Neckbrace a temporary boost in strength. With this newfound power, Neckbrace jumped away from Jawbreaker¡¯s headless body, then springed forward once more. With a thunderous dropkick, Neckbrace smashed into Jawbreaker¡¯s spine, sending him flying through fifteen bulkheads and out into space. A nearby maintenance worker quickly patched the hole with some balsa wood before too much air could escape. ¡®Sick as, mate,¡¯ said Barry. ¡®Wait, what?¡¯ said Neckbrace ¡®How did you get up here?¡¯ ¡®Climbed,¡¯ Barry replied. ¡®I always keep a grappling hook in me trusty pack.¡¯ ¡®You have a backpack?¡¯ ¡®Too right,¡¯ said Barry, turning around to show off his backpack. ¡®Oh,¡¯ said Neckbrace. ¡®CRIKEY!¡¯ Barry exclaimed, running over to some machine at the other side of the room. ¡®You found it! The tech me buyer wants!¡¯ As Neckbrace approached the machine, she realized she actually knew what it was somehow. Maybe it was the distinctive gizmotubes, the capacitive zappotrons, or the big block lettering that read TIME MACHINE, but something about the machine clued her into its true purpose. She was looking at a time machine. Probably. CHAPTER NINETEEN - THE MATTER OF BEING THROWN INTO THE SUN ¡®As we all know,¡¯ said Nosebleed Prime as he paced in front of the captive vampires, ¡®We vampires are weak to UV radiation.¡¯ ¡®If we all know this then why are you telling us?¡¯ asked Armwrestle. ¡®Clumsy exposition is a demon we must all face at some point in our lives,¡¯ Nosebleed explained. ¡®Anyway, Earth¡¯s magnetic field and Venus¡¯ army of orbital angels normally protect us from the harshest exposure, and as long as you stay beyond Venus¡¯ orbit, any damage sustained in the vacuum will still be rather minimal. This got me thinking. What if you were to put a vampire in space closer to the Sun than Venus? Closer, even, than Mercury? Perhaps even so close, that they are literally inside the Sun?¡¯ ¡®So you¡¯re gonna throw us into the Sun?¡¯ said Legcramp. Nosebleed stopped pacing. ¡®You see, about that¡­ I wasn¡¯t sure whether or not the results would be worth it, so I traveled forward in time to when I had already done it and asked my future self if it was worth it.¡¯ ¡®Was it worth it?¡¯ asked Armwrestle. Nosebleed bared his pointed teeth in an unsettling smile. ¡®Oh, it was worth it.¡¯
Nosebleed¡¯s time machine also naturally worked as a spatial teleporter. If the machine couldn¡¯t move through space, every jump through time would merely land it in some random spot in the galaxy where the Solar System had been, or was going to be. Unlike those ridiculous fictional time machines, real time machines were useless without such a function. Nosebleed Prime had wandered off to prepare his time machine for a teleport to the Sun, leaving his three prisoners still straining under the grasp of his many doppelgangers. One of the Nosebleeds on Legcramp was holding his arm in a weird position and it was starting to get seriously uncomfortable. ¡®So, how are we gonna get out of this?¡¯ Legcramp asked. ¡®You¡¯re not,¡¯ said the Nosebleed holding his arm in a weird position. ¡®I wasn¡¯t asking you, nerd,¡¯ Legcramp growled. ¡®Hey, maybe we can survive being thrown into the Sun,¡¯ Armwrestle suggested. ¡®Seriously?¡¯ said Legcramp. Armwrestle shrugged, or at least tried to. ¡®We managed to survive a point-blank nuclear apocalypse, and the Sun is basically just a never-ending apocalypse, right?¡¯ ¡®I am afraid you are mistaken,¡¯ said Heartburn. ¡®The previous Sun was a nuclear fusion reaction, entirely harmless to vampire-kind.¡¯ ¡®The¡­ previous Sun?¡¯ Legcramp asked. ¡®It was replaced,¡¯ Heartburn explained. ¡®To combat the surge of space-faring vampires, an extrasolar appliance manufacturer was hired to replace our Sun with a magical orb that produces UV radiation. Do either of you know what UV radiation really stands for?¡¯If you come across this story on Amazon, it''s taken without permission from the author. Report it. ¡®Ultraviolet?¡¯ said Armwrestle. Heartburn scoffed. ¡®That¡¯s what they want you to think, but if you really put some thought into it, ultraviolet doesn¡¯t mean anything. How can violet be ultra? Violet is already as violet as violet can get. Anything more is just absurd. No, UV radiation truly stands for Unhappy Vampire radiation, because it makes vampires unhappy.¡¯ Legcramp opened his mouth to object, but then decided against it. Heartburn continued. ¡®What I am trying to say is, we cannot survive being thrown into the Sun. Even going so close as Mercury is risky.¡¯ ¡®So like I said, how are we gonna get out of this?¡¯ Legcramp asked. As if on cue (probably actually on cue) a small, green, ugly man waddled into the room. ¡®I think I can help,¡¯ said the Apocalypse Goblin.
¡®Ah, I knew you would come!¡¯ exclaimed Heartburn. ¡®Can it, Burns,¡¯ the Goblin snapped. ¡®I¡¯d love to let you psychopaths die in that thing you call a star, but you still gotta be alive to fix this mess. So here¡¯s what you gotta do¡ª¡® Something massive fell through the ceiling and crushed the Apocalypse Goblin, killing him instantly. A trickle of glowing green water poured through the hole above as the massive thing shifted under the rubble. Slowly, it climbed to its feet, twisted metal plating and green goblin blood falling off its muscular, grey back. It was easily three meters tall (or six goats for imperial system users). The thing turned around, and Legcramp realized it was a vampire. ¡®I AM JAWBREAKER!¡¯ the vampire roared. ¡®BREAKER OF JAWS!¡¯ Jawbreaker darted forward and punched one of the Nosebleeds in his face. The Nosebleed shot back and smashed into the far wall so fast it looked like he had teleported. Jawbreaker cackled. The palm of his massive right hand split open and a torrent of blood spilled out. Before the blood could hit the floor, it floated back up and pooled into a floating ball in Jawbreaker¡¯s hand. One of the Nosebleeds holding onto Armwrestle let go and ran towards Jawbreaker. Jawbreaker laughed and rammed the blood ball right into the Nosebleed¡¯s stomach. The ball exploded, reducing the Nosebleed to a pile of quivering giblets. Armwrestle, seeing her opportunity, grabbed the other Nosebleed holding her down and flung him into Jawbreaker¡¯s face. She darted over and tried to do the same to the Nosebleed holding Legcramp¡¯s arm in a weird position, but the element of surprise had been lost. The entire room had become a storm of chaos. Nosebleeds leaped about the place, desperately attempting to keep the prisoners restrained whilst also battling this new foe. Blood and guts and lemon juice coated the walls. Heartburn had managed to get free like Armwrestle and was now fighting off half a dozen Nosebleeds. Jawbreaker, despite his laughter, seemed to be getting overwhelmed but the sheer amount of attackers. The Nosebleed holding Legcramp¡¯s arm in a weird position kicked Armwrestle away. She felt several bones shatter and her liver squirm its way out of her belly button in fright. Venusian vampires were no joke. Before she could jump back in to give it another shot, Heartburn beat her to it. Out of nowhere, he rocketed forward and karate chopped the arm of the Nosebleed holding Legcramp¡¯s arm in a weird position off. With a series of lightning-fast punches, Heartburn knocked the other Nosebleeds away long enough to free Legcramp. ¡®WE HAVE TO GO!¡¯ Heartburn shouted over the mayhem. Legcramp and Armwrestle nodded in agreement. After dodging several grasping Nosebleeds and the wide reach of Jawbreaker, the trio managed to escape to the hall outside. The victory was not long-lived, however, as a small legion of Nosebleeds were rounding a corner to the left, presumably to check out the commotion. ¡®We have to find the time machine!¡¯ Heartburn said as he began running in the opposite direction of the approaching legion. Armwrestle and Legcramp followed after him. Heartburn, being the original designer of the SSSSSSSSSSSSSSFSSS facilities, knew the layout like the inside of his eyelids. He guessed that Nosebleed Prime would be keeping the time machine in the most secure place possible, so that''s where they would head. CHAPTER TWENTY - BODACIOUS BARRY VS CAPTAIN BONUS Neckbrace was momentarily lost in the sheer time machinieness of the time machine that she didn¡¯t notice Barry sneaking the collar back onto her until it had already happened. ¡®Gotcha!¡¯ said Barry as Neckbrace¡¯s power drained away. ¡®Sorry ¡®bout that but we both know you¡¯d try¡¯n escape without that collar on.¡¯ Neckbrace didn¡¯t have the strength to argue. ¡®¡­Fair,¡¯ she rasped. She really hated collars. ¡®Anyway,¡¯ Barry continued, walking over to the time machine, ¡®I¡¯ll just give me boys a ring and we¡¯ll lug this beaut right outta here.¡¯ ¡®NOT SO FAST, BODACIOUS BONE-HEAD!¡¯ cried a voice from behind Neckbrace. Neckbrace spun around to see a human in an old-timey sailor outfit with a large sun emblem pinned to his hat. ¡®Ah, crap,¡¯ said Barry. ¡®G¡¯day, Bonus.¡¯ ¡®Ever the slimy rat, I see,¡¯ said the guy apparently named Bonus. ¡®It¡¯s a good thing my Solar Sailors were hired to protect this ship, or you may have gotten away with it.¡¯ ¡®Lay off, mate. This time machine is legitimate salvage,¡¯ Barry replied. Bonus tilted his head in bewilderment. ¡®No it isn¡¯t.¡¯ ¡®Ah, got me there, mate.¡¯ ¡®I¡¯ve had enough of your games, pirate,¡¯ said Bonus as he fiddled with something on his watch. ¡®I think it¡¯s time you met my latest recruit. I don¡¯t suppose you¡¯ve ever fought a vampire before?¡¯ Bonus put his watch up to his mouth and spoke. ¡®Jawbreaker, come to cargo hold fourteen immediately!¡¯ Neckbrace raised a hand. ¡®Hey, uh¡­¡¯ ¡®One moment please,¡¯ Bonus said, then leaned back into his watch. ¡®JAWBREAKER! CARGO HOLD FOUR! TEEN! NOW! ARE YOU THERE? JAWBREAKER?¡¯ ¡®I already fought him,¡¯ Neckbrace said. ¡®Ate his head and kicked him into space.¡¯ Barry perked up like he had just remembered something. ¡®Oh yeah, this is Necko, my new recruit. She¡¯s a vampire.¡¯ Bonus spun on his heel and powerwalked out of the room.
With the time machine safely chucked into the disaster Barry called a cargo hold, the BB Gun was off to deliver it to its buyer. Neckbrace sat across from Waterman in the cafeteria, dejectedly sucking on a bag of Pallasian gorilla blood. ¡®What¡¯s the matter?¡¯ asked Waterman, leaning forward on his flaming elbows. ¡®What are you, a psychiatrist?¡¯ Neckbrace asked, throwing the blood bag aside in frustration. Pallasian gorilla blood tasted like expired milk.This content has been unlawfully taken from Royal Road; report any instances of this story if found elsewhere. Waterman shrugged. ¡®Well, I am licensed.¡¯ Neckbrace decided to go for it. ¡®I¡¯m tired, Waterman.¡¯ ¡®I see,¡¯ Waterman said, nodding as if he knew what he was talking about. ¡®Why are you tired, Armwrestle?¡¯ Neckbrace raised an eyebrow. ¡®Armwrestle?¡¯ ¡®Wait, which one are you?¡¯ Waterman asked. ¡®Neckbrace. I¡¯m Neckbrace.¡¯ Waterman slapped his fiery forehead. ¡®Oh wow, that¡¯s embarrassing. I¡¯ve been thinking you were Armwrestle this whole time. Has anybody ever pointed out that vampires all look basically the same?¡¯ ¡®Can we get back to my therapy please?¡¯ Neckbrace asked through gritted teeth. ¡®I¡¯m this close to spiraling into suicidal depression¡¯ ¡®Right, of course.¡¯ Waterman attempted to clear his throat, but didn¡¯t seem physically capable of doing so. ¡®Why are you tired, Neckbrace?¡¯ ¡®Every time I think I¡¯m about to go home, some dumb thing comes along and stops me. It¡¯s like I¡¯m in a bad anime filler arc.¡¯ Waterman nodded sympathetically. ¡®I know what you mean. Sometimes I feel like my entire life so far has been a bad anime filler arc.¡¯ Neckbrace continued, ¡®And what¡¯s worse is I don¡¯t even know why I want to go home. It¡¯s like five hundred degrees there and half the planet is ruled by Satan. I¡¯d be better off on Mercury, probably.¡¯ ¡®Wow, don¡¯t say that,¡¯ said Waterman. ¡®Venus is way better than Mercury.¡¯ Neckbrace sighed. ¡®I know, I know. Mercury sucks. I¡¯m just frustrated, y¡¯know? What do you think¡¯s up with me?¡¯ ¡®I think you¡¯re dangerously close to spiraling into suicidal depression,¡¯ Waterman said. Neckbrace blinked. ¡®Y¡­Yeah, I know. I said that.¡¯ ¡®Good talk?¡¯ asked Waterman. ¡®No, not good talk.¡¯ Waterman leaned back and stretched. ¡®Good talk.¡¯ ¡®Are you actually a licensed psychiatrist?¡¯ Neckbrace asked Waterman looked at her. ¡®I never said that.¡¯ Before another page of witty dialogue could occur, the ship¡¯s highly irritating klaxon alarm sounded. ¡®WARNING!¡¯ a computerized voice shrieked from the speaker system. ¡®DANGER IS HAPPENING HERE! PLEASE PROCEED TO THE NEAREST LOCATION IN WHICH DANGER IS NOT HAPPENING! WARNING!¡¯ As the message repeated itself, Neckbrace stood up and glanced about frantically. The cafeteria¡¯s lights had switched to an eerie red emergency glow, and the other crewmembers were rushing out into the hallway. ¡®What¡¯s going on?¡¯ Neckbrace asked, turning to Waterman. Waterman shrugged, then got up to grab an extra burger from the kitchen while everyone was distracted.
Neckbrace burst into the BB Gun¡¯s control room to find Barry at the main comms interface. He was wearing headphones and thoughtfully nodding along to whatever he was listening to. Neckbrace ran up to him and tore the headphones off his head. ¡®HEY!¡¯ she shouted right in his face. ¡®You gotta tell me what¡¯s going on, because if it¡¯s the cops I¡¯m not about to be arrested.¡¯ ¡®Eh?¡¯ said Barry. ¡®Yeah nah, mate. No cops. Give this a listen.¡¯ Barry pressed a button, turning the headset onto speaker mode. ¡®You wretched thief!¡¯ came the shrill voice of Captain Bonus. ¡®Return the machine RIGHT NOW or there WILL BE CONSEQUENCES!¡¯ ¡®He¡¯s been doin¡¯ this for twenty minutes,¡¯ said Barry. ¡®WHAT? WHO ARE YOU TALKING TO?¡¯ Bonus cried. Barry leaned into the mic. ¡®Eh, uhh¡­ shut up, Captain¡­ Bonehead.¡¯ ¡®FIRST YOU STEAL MY CLIENT¡¯S PROPERTY, AND NOW YOU STEAL MY INSULTS?¡¯ Bonus screeched. ¡®IS THERE NO LOW TO WHICH YOU WILL NOT STOOP?¡¯ The deck jolted under Neckbrace¡¯s feet. An overhead pipe burst, spraying steam into the room. ¡®Bazza,¡¯ cried Jim, ¡®He¡¯s firin¡¯ missiles at us!¡¯ ¡®Ah crap,¡¯ Barry said, rubbing his greasy stubble in frustration. ¡®Didn¡¯t think he¡¯d do that.¡¯ ¡®Should we fire missiles back at ¡®im?¡¯ asked Kim, her gross alien body creating pools of sweat at the base of her seat. ¡®Nah, that¡¯s boring,¡¯ said Barry. ¡®Get Necko to do it.¡¯ Neckbrace gave Barry a withering glare. ¡®Yeah, yeah, I know your name sounds like cat in Japanese. You can give a nickname-change form to Damo later. Only takes ninety days to process. Pretty sick, eh?¡¯ Neckbrace continued to glare at him. Barry cleared his throat and looked away. ¡®Fire¡­ fire the missiles.¡¯ CHAPTER TWENTY-ONE - GENGHIS KHAN RAIDS AGAIN In the most secure storage vault in the SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSfSSSSSSSSSSSSSS¡¯ western facility¡¯s deepest, darkest basement, they found the time machine. Heartburn had inputted the top-secret security clearance code, hunter2, into the storage vaults exterior computer. The vault¡¯s enormous, cog-like door had rolled open, revealing a large, concrete room, containing nothing but the time machine, and Nosebleed Prime himself. Nosebleed spun dramatically around in the swivel chair that he had clearly brought down just so he could spin dramatically around in a swivel chair and said, ¡®I¡¯ve been expecting you three.¡¯ ¡®Why are¡­¡¯ Heartburn began. ¡®Why are my alternate selves so weak?¡¯ Nosebleed finished for him. Heartburn shook his head. ¡®That¡¯s not what I was¡­¡¯ ¡®A good question,¡¯ Nosebleed said, rising from his chair and stepping towards them. ¡®A good question, indeed. You see, I drained half the energy of each of my alternate selves as I recruited them. They are still quite strong, of course, but not strong enough to usurp me if they were so inclined. And where did all that energy I drained go, you wonder?¡¯ Nosebleed flexed, and his clothes exploded off his body, revealing a chiseled twenty-eight pack that bulged with barely restrained strength. ¡®TO ME!¡¯ Nosebleed roared. ¡®By my calculations, I am now EXTREMELY STRONG!¡¯ Armwrestle crossed her arms. ¡®It¡¯s three against one. Just let us have the time ma¡ª¡® Nosebleed zipped forward faster than sight could track, and elbowed Armwrestle in the stomach. At first, nothing happened. Then Armwrestle¡¯s entire spine shot out of her back and shattered against the far wall. Armwrestle, now suddenly an invertebrate, flopped over. ¡®Ow,¡¯ she said. Heartburn tore his ulnas out to use as swords and leaped forward. Nosebleed turned around, swinging his arm in a wide arc like he was trying to fan away some unpleasant smell. The tips of his fingers brushed the very edge of Heartburn¡¯s earlobe. The immense friction from the contact caused Heartburn to instantly erupt into flames. Legcramp wasn¡¯t looking forward to his turn. Nosebleed looked at him, a manic smile on his tattooed face. ¡®THE EARTH IS MINE, LITTLE MOSQUITO!¡¯ ¡®I agree,¡¯ said Legcramp. ¡®I totally agree. I¡¯ll just get out of your hair¡ª¡® Legcramp looked down to find his entire torso had gone. He looked up to see Nosebleed holding it in his meaty hands. When had that happened? Legcramp¡¯s head and limbs fell to the ground. ¡®I don¡¯t¡­ I don¡¯t think we can beat him by ourselves,¡¯ said the very limp Armwrestle. ¡®Yeah,¡¯ said Legcramp, finding his situation very reminiscent of that time he was just a brain. ¡®Do you two remember our conversation about Genghis Khan?¡¯ Heartburn asked, his heart still very much burning. ¡®No,¡¯ said Legcramp. He was too busy focusing on regrowing his body to bother with a history quiz. ¡®Chapter fifteen, when we were in that petrol station,¡¯ Heartburn reminded.Find this and other great novels on the author''s preferred platform. Support original creators! ¡®Oh, right. That,¡¯ said Armwrestle. ¡®What about it?¡¯ ¡®I¡¯m going to do it,¡¯ said Heartburn. ¡®I¡¯m going to resurrect Genghis Khan.¡¯ ¡®That seems like a bad idea,¡¯ said Armwrestle. ¡®Wasn¡¯t he just a marginally above-average human?¡¯ Heartburn chuckled. ¡®Not at all. He may have appeared human, but the Khan was not of this world.¡¯ ¡®WHAT ARE YOU FEEBLE WORMS TALKING ABOUT?¡¯ asked the overly buff Nosebleed. ¡®Nothing much,¡¯ said Legcramp. Nosebleed seemed to believe it. ¡®Okay, I have run into a small problem.¡¯ said Heartburn. ¡®I can¡¯t resurrect Genghis Khan.¡¯ ¡®Why not?¡¯ asked Armwrestle as she scooped the shattered vertebrae back into her body. ¡®He¡¯s still alive,¡¯ Heartburn answered. ¡®Hey, someone call me?¡¯ asked Skeleton, strutting into the room like he owned the place. Legcramp sat up, taking advantage of the face that he had a reformed torso to sit on. ¡®Where have you been?¡¯ ¡®Shadow realm, man.¡¯ Skeleton answered. ¡®Torturing damned souls, corralling the void spawn, making sure no one goes outside the asteroid belt, that kinda stuff.¡¯ ¡®WHO IS THIS? WHO IS THIS PERSON?¡¯ Nosebleed demanded. Heartburn took a deep breath and said ¡®That¡­ is Genghis Khan.¡¯ ¡®Seriously?¡¯ said Legcramp. He climbed to his feet shakily. A couple of his internal organs weren¡¯t fully formed still. ¡®You¡¯re Genghis Khan? Why didn¡¯t you ever tell us?¡¯ Skeleton raised his bony hands defensively. ¡®Hey, I¡¯ve done a lot of stuff, man. Did you also want me to tell you that I built the Trojan Horse? Wrote the Dead Sea Scrolls? Shot Ferdinand? Gave Arthur that sword? Did Cleopatra¡¯s makeup? If I told you all the junk I¡¯ve done, man, we¡¯d be here for a while.¡¯ ¡®So are you going to help us?¡¯ Legcramp asked, wincing as his liver reformed. Skeleton stroked his jawbone in thought. ¡®Well I was gonna go save Neckbrace from being blown up by a bunch of missiles, but since you asked so nicely, I think I can get you outta this, man.¡¯ Skeleton stepped forward and pointed at Nosebleed. ¡®You¡¯ve been playing with the timeline too much, man. Don¡¯t you know excessive abuse of time travel leads to unexplainable plot holes? I don¡¯t mean to rain on your parade, but you gotta stop, man.¡¯ Nosebleed laughed. ¡®WHO DO YOU BELONG TO, THRALL? I SUGGEST YOU RUN BACK TO YOUR MASTER WHILE YOU STILL HAVE THE CHANCE.¡¯ Skeleton flicked his wrist and a pair of handcuffs popped into his hand. ¡®By the power invested in me by the Venusian Satanic Order, I¡¯m putting you under arrest for crimes against time, man. Time crimes.¡¯ Nosebleed glared at him. ¡®AH, I SEE. THE ORDER. YOU ARE OUTSIDE YOUR JURISDICTION, DEMON.¡¯ Skeleton looked at the handcuffs, then at Nosebleed¡¯s massive wrists. ¡®Actually, these might be a little small,¡¯ he said. Legcramp got an idea. Nosebleed was distracted, and the time machine, which was bizarrely designed to look like a speedboat, was there for the taking. While Skeleton browsed through his sub-dimensional library of handcuffs for a bigger pair, Legcramp slowly scooted around the edge of the storage vault. Armwrestle noticed what he was doing and gave a quizzical look, to which Legcramp held a finger to his lips and pointed another at the time machine. Armwrestle nodded in understanding. ¡®Hey, man, you wouldn¡¯t happen to know the circumference of your wrists?¡¯ asked Skeleton. ¡®THIRTY-SEVEN INCHES,¡¯ Nosebleed replied. ¡®What¡¯s that in centimeters?¡¯ Legcramp was almost at the time machine. He was barely outside of arms reach of it when Nosebleed turned around. ¡®DON¡¯T EVEN THINK ABOUT IT, BOY.¡¯ Legcramp was about to jump for the time machine, then saw that Nosebleed was holding someone by the neck. ¡®I THOUGHT YOU WOULD TRY SOMETHING LIKE THIS, SO I RESURRECTED MYSELF A HOSTAGE. IF YOU WANT TO SEE HIM STAY RESURRECTED, DON¡¯T MOVE A MUSCLE.¡¯ Legcramp squinted at the person. ¡®Who is that?¡¯ Nosebleed blinked. ¡®I SUPPOSE YOU CAN¡¯T SEE HIM VERY WELL FROM HERE.¡¯ Nosebleed stepped forward and showed Legcramp the person in his hand. ¡®Nope,¡¯ said Legcramp. ¡®Don¡¯t know him.¡¯ ¡®IT¡¯S¡­ IT¡¯S YOUR HUMAN FRIEND! AGENT 600!¡¯ ¡®Who?¡¯ asked Armwrestle. ¡®HE WAS ASSIGNED AS YOUR SUPERVISOR WHEN YOU WERE RECRUITED. HE PERISHED AT SEA,'' Nosebleed explained. Armwrestle¡¯s eyes widened in realization ¡®Oh right, him! No, I don¡¯t care about him.¡¯ Nosebleed turned to Legcramp expectantly. Legcramp just grimaced and shook his head. Roaring in frustration, Nosebleed threw Agent 600 to the ground, causing the briefly resurrected human to splatter into red paste. ''DO YOU KNOW HOW LONG IT TOOK TO FIND HIS BODY?'' Nosebleed screamed. Taking advantage of the situation, Legcramp quickly jumped into the time machine and pressed the biggest, reddest button he could see, hoping it was the send me to any time that isn''t right now button. An electronic voice sounded out in response. ¡®Self-destruct sequence initiated.¡¯ CHAPTER TWENTY-TWO - BODACIOUS BARRY FEELS THE HEAT ¡®Aight, which one a¡¯ you jokers replaced our missiles with confetti cannons?¡¯ asked Barry as he paced up and down the length of the escape pod. ¡®Come on. Fess up.¡¯ Damo tentatively raised his hand. ¡®It was supposed to be for April Fools¡­¡¯ Barry chuckled. ¡®Ahh¡­ That¡¯s a classic Damo move right there.¡¯ Still chuckling, Barry drew his pistol and shot Damo in the head. ¡®IT¡¯S BLOODY AUGUST, MATE!¡¯ he screamed at the body. Barry looked each of the surviving crew members in the eyes, one by one. ¡®Anyone else got any hilarious pranks they wanna spring on us? Maybe get this escape pod blown up too, yeah?¡¯ ¡®If you had let me take this collar off like you promised, we wouldn¡¯t be in this mess,¡¯ Neckbrace said. Barry shot her a couple of times. He knew it wouldn¡¯t kill her, but it definitely made his point clear. ¡®I¡¯m a pretty easy-going bloke,¡¯ he said. ¡®I let you buggers get away with a lot. You got free access to the ship¡¯s Wi-Fi, you got weekly sausage sizzles for a gold coin donation, you got complimentary neck messages, you got to appear in the credits of the Bodacious Barry movie adaptation, you got a lot, aight? All I wanted from you drongos was two things: turn the washing machine off when I¡¯m havin¡¯ a shower, and don¡¯t blow me ship up. You did pretty good on that first one, not gonna lie, but the second?¡¯ Barry sucked in air through his yellow teeth. ¡®Yeah, nah. Poor effort.¡¯ ¡®Sorry, Bazza,¡¯ the crew droned in unison. Barry closed his eyes and nodded. ¡®I¡¯m not mad, aight? Just a bit disappointed.¡¯ ¡®What do we do now?¡¯ squelched Kim in her disturbing alien language. Barry stopped in front of Ryan, the maps bloke. ¡®Maps bloke,¡¯ said Barry. ¡®Where¡¯s the nearest spaceport?¡¯ ¡®Uhhhhhh¡­¡¯ Ryan said as he unfolded a large paper map. ¡®¡­Venus? I think?¡¯ ¡®Then Venus is where we¡¯ll rebuild the Ice Bag Gang!¡¯ Barry exclaimed, thrusting a finger upwards, or downwards depending on which way they were orientated compared to the plane of the ecliptic. Barry leaned close to Ryan and whispered, ¡®Hey, which one¡¯s Venus again?¡¯ ¡®Uhhhhh¡­¡¯ Ryan said as he flipped through a Solar System guidebook. ¡®The¡­ hot¡­ one?¡¯ ¡®Ah crap,¡¯ Barry said. ¡®Shoulda brought me togs.¡¯
In an annoying, roundabout way, Neckbrace was finally returning to Venus. Despite his promise earlier to remove it if she helped him rob the Rainbow, Barry had still refused to take Neckbrace¡¯s collar off. On top of that, Barry had chosen the worst possible place to land on Venus. The elven city of Elvenstead, population: elves. Still, Venus was Venus, and as far as Neckbrace was concerned it was the only place in the Solar System where she could get some peace and quiet.Royal Road is the home of this novel. Visit there to read the original and support the author. As The BB Gun¡¯s escape pod burrowed its way into Venus¡¯ atmosphere, Barry laid out the plan, thus ensuring that it will not work. ¡®So we¡¯re pretending to be the last remains of a crew whose ship was stolen by Mercurian pirates, aight? We¡¯ll ask to be taken to the hospital cause we got someone who needs medical attention. That¡¯s where our good mate Jim comes in. Jim¡¯s gonna pretend to have hemorrhoids, so he¡¯ll be our ticket into the hospital. Once we got some cream for Jim¡ª¡® Jim cut in. ¡®I don¡¯t actually have¡ª¡®'' ''ONCE WE GET SOME CREAM FOR JIM,¡¯ Barry continued. ¡®We¡¯ll have earned their complete trust. Then we recruit ¡®em onto the Ice Bag Gang, get a new ship, blow up that Bonus bloke, and get a washing machine that doesn¡¯t mess with the shower when it¡¯s on.'' The pod jolted, and an electronic voice informed them that they had landed. ¡®Everyone got the plan?¡¯ Barry asked. The crew nodded and murmured their affirmative. With a wide grin on his face, Barry punched the button to open the pod¡¯s main door, and everyone except Neckbrace and Kim instantly melted into a bubbling pile of goo under the immense heat and pressure of Venus'' atmosphere. Neckbrace chortled in amusement. ¡®Excuse me, are your companions alright?¡¯ someone asked from outside. Neckbrace turned to see an elf, tall and pretty and radiating smugness, peering into the pod. As much as Neckbrace wanted to let them sizzle for a while longer, she would have a better chance of getting back to Vampire country if she had some backup, or at least some backup that wasn¡¯t Kim. Neckbrace snapped her fingers and raised Barry and co as immortal thralls. At least she still had that power. Barry sat up and rubbed his eyes. ¡®Ah, cheers Necko,¡¯ he said. ¡®Don¡¯t mention it,¡¯ Neckbrace replied. ¡®Actually, do mention it. Mention it by taking this collar off.¡¯ Barry shook his head. ¡®Yeah, nah, no can do. Oh wait, I¡¯m doing it.¡¯ Now that he was her thrall, Barry was compelled to follow Neckbrace¡¯s every wish. Finally, a more reasonable arrangement! The collar dropped off and Neckbrace felt her power surge back to glorious heights. Then it was repressed once more as the elf outside stepped in and fastened a different collar around Neckbrace¡¯s neck. ¡®I¡¯m afraid all vampiric people must have a collar and handler at all times when within city limits,¡¯ the elf said. His smugness made Neckbrace gag, or maybe it was just the nauseating effect of the collar. ¡®I hate all the things that make up you,¡¯ Neckbrace rasped. If the elf was offended, he gave no indication of it. ¡®It is simply a policy to maintain safety and security amongst our citizens.¡¯ ¡®Barry, spit on the elf nerd,¡¯ Neckbrace said. Barry spat on the elf nerd. Again, the elf did not react except to clean the saliva off of himself with a quick detergent spell. ¡®Your handler shall be Lorelei Aramenor, first daughter of theHigh Stakesman,¡¯ the elf said, gesturing to a young elf girl beside him. Lorelei raised two fingers and said, ¡®Yo.¡¯ ¡®I¡¯m with the cranium tribe,¡¯ Neckbrace told the man elf. ¡®When I get out of here, they¡¯ll¡ª¡® ¡®Yes, yes. We are quite aware of your little vampire groups,¡¯ the elf replied. ¡®Lorelei will now take you on a scenic tower of our beautiful city.¡¯ Lorelei thumbed behind her. ¡®Let¡¯s hit the road, jerks.¡¯ ¡®HELP!¡¯ Barry suddenly cried. ¡®IT¡¯S JIM, HE¡¯S¡ª¡® ¡®Can the plan,¡¯ Neckbrace said. ¡®We¡¯re following the kid until we can get out of this hole.¡¯ ¡®Ah,¡¯ said Barry, turning to the two elves. ¡®Don¡¯t worry, Jim doesn¡¯t have hemorrhoids. No hospital needed.¡¯ The elves gave him a quizzical look, then moved on. ¡®I will be leaving now,¡¯ said the man elf. ¡®I trust you are able to handle this, Lorelei?¡¯ Lorelei waved him off. ¡®Sure, whatever. I¡¯ll be fine, just go.¡¯ The man elf grimaced, then shuffled off the intricately decorated landing platform, his gold robes trailing behind him. ¡®Hey,¡¯ said Lorelei once he was gone. ¡®You guys wanna have some real fun?¡¯ CHAPTER TWENTY-THREE - ALPHA VAMPIRE ¡®Self-destruct in ten¡­ nine¡­eight¡­¡¯ As the computerized voice droned on, Legcramp desperately mashed buttons on the speedboat/time machine¡¯s dashboard, hoping to find some way to avoid being exploded (again). ¡®Seven¡­ six¡­ five¡­¡¯ it continued. ¡®YOU FOOL!¡¯ Nosebleed roared. ¡®WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?¡¯ ¡®Four¡­ three¡­ two¡­¡¯ ¡®How do I turn it off? HOW DO I TURN IT OFF?¡¯ Legcramp pleaded. ¡®One¡­ zero point seventy-five¡­ zero point fifty¡­¡¯ ¡®PRESS THE MAGENTA BUTTON!¡¯ Nosebleed shouted. ¡®Turbo self-destruct sequence initiated,¡¯ said the time machine. ¡®THAT¡¯S THE FUSCHIA BUTTON! I SAID MAGENTA!¡¯ ¡®Pull the orange lever to the third notch and yank the pull cord!¡¯ Skeleton said. ¡®No, no, no!¡¯ Heartburn objected. ¡®You have to spin the chrono-regulation wheel 240 degrees and pump up the nebula bags with the nozzle under the passenger-seat chair!¡¯ ¡®INCORRECT!¡¯ bellowed Nosebleed. ¡®THE ONLY WAY TO FORCE A COMPLETE SHUTDOWN IS BY PRESSING THE MAGENTA BUTTON!¡¯ ¡®Ultra-turbo Kaioken x20 self-destruct sequence initiated,¡¯ said the time machine. ¡®YOU PRESSED THE PERSIAN ROSE BUTTON!¡¯ Nosebleed cried. ¡®ARE YOU EVEN LISTENING TO ME?¡¯ ¡®Yank the pull cord!¡¯ said Skeleton. ¡®The wheel! THE WHEEL!¡¯ Heartburn insisted. ¡®Zero point zero zero three¡­ Zero point zero zero two¡­¡¯ Legcramp went for broke. With both hands he pressed as many buttons on the dashboard as possible. Then he was gone.
All around him swirled an array of colors and lights. They shimmered and flickered in and out of existence, sometimes forming enormous geometric patterns, other times just darting about at random like extremely confused ants. The speedboat warped and jiggled like liquid in a vacuum, sometimes constricting as if it was trying to turn itself inside-out. Legcramp felt simultaneously invigorated and drained. In this psychedelic abyss, the future and past entangled like earbud cables left in a pocket for more than three minutes. It was weird. ¡®Zero point zero zero one...¡¯ the time machine said, its robotic voice garbled by the weird wobbly atmosphere. Legcramp had certainly done something, but he hadn¡¯t stopped the countdown. ¡®Zero,¡¯ said the time machine. ¡®Goodbye, cruel world.¡¯ The speedboat exploded, rippling the space around it like water. Propelled by the shockwave, Legcramp was catapulted off into the rainbow void, his only way of returning home now destroyed.
Legcramp floated aimlessly for nine weeks, four days, thirteen hours, fifty-eight minutes and two seconds. He wasn¡¯t sure how fast he was going or how far he had traveled from the explosion, but he did, for some reason, have a perfect internal clock. Perks of being trapped in the space between timelines, he supposed. The spectacular colors and the distant sound of lo-fi hip-hop radio 24/7 chill beats to study/relax to stopped him from going completely insane from boredom, but Legcramp did wish something more interesting would happen. He wasn¡¯t quite yet on board with being stuck in this place for the rest of eternity. It was on the second second of the fifty-eighth minute of the thirteenth hour of the fourth day of the ninth week of floating that something more interesting indeed happened. Legcramp floated straight into another floating person. The other person was a vampire, too, and seemed very, very old. Older than Heartburn and Nosebleed, even. Vampires aged much more slowly compared to other lifeforms, but over enough time the years did begin to show. Strangely, Legcramp found this vampire somewhat familiar, but he couldn¡¯t place how.Love this novel? Read it on Royal Road to ensure the author gets credit. ¡®Holy timezones!'' said the Vampire. ''Only nine weeks! I¡¯ve never met you so new!¡¯ ¡®Who are you?¡¯ Legcramp asked. Seemed like a reasonable question, all things considered. ¡®You haven¡¯t realized?¡¯ the vampire asked. ¡®I¡¯m you, from the future.¡¯ Legcramp blinked. The other vampire, who was also Legcramp apparently, chuckled. ¡®I forget how much time it takes to get acclimated to this place. One moment you¡¯re in space-time, now you¡¯re in time-space! Must be quite a shock. You see, in the world we came from, space-time, spaces takes priority. We lived in space, we breathed space. It was all particles and waves, all happening everywhere at once. In time-space, it¡¯s the opposite. In here, time rules. Instead of particles and waves, there are seconds and hours, as physical as you and I. And all those seconds and hours exist at once, changing together, not apart!¡¯ Legcramp nodded along, pretending he was listening. ¡®That¡¯s how we are both here, together,¡¯ other Legcramp continued. ¡®You only a few months into your stay, and me hundreds of millions of years.¡¯ Legcramp snapped into focus. ¡®Hundreds¡­ of millions?¡¯ ¡®Yes,¡¯ said other Legcramp. ¡®Without a time machine, there is no escape. I¡¯m actually one of the younger Legcramps floating about! Theta Fifty is hitting his four quadrillionth birthday in just a few hundred millennia. There¡¯ll be cake!¡¯ Ignoring the headache-inducing timescales at play, Legcramp instead asked, ¡®Theta Fifty?¡¯ The other Legcramp nodded. ¡®Ah yes, we call each other by our timelines. Similar timelines are grouped under greek letters, then numbered. I, for instance, am Sigma 430. If you check your right shoulder, the time-space imprints a tattoo of sorts informing you of your timeline.¡¯ Legcramp pulled up his sleeve, and sure enough, there was the symbol ¦Á, tattooed in glowing white ink. ¡®Isn¡¯t there supposed to be a number?¡¯ Legcramp asked. Sigma 430 gasped. ¡®I don¡¯t believe it! You¡¯re¡­ Alpha Legcramp!¡¯ He began to tear up. ¡®After all these years!¡¯ ¡®Listen,¡¯ Legcramp said. ¡®I just need to find a way out. I don¡¯t care about all this exposition stuff.¡¯ Sigma wiped the tears from his eyes. ¡®Just thirty seconds ago I would¡¯ve called it impossible, but you¡­ you¡¯re Alpha Legcramp! With you, we may all finally be free!¡¯ ¡®Okay, fine. What¡¯s special about Alpha?¡¯ Legcramp asked, bracing himself for another paragraph of explanation. ¡®The Alpha timeline is¡­ How should I say this¡­?¡¯ Sigma stroked his bearded chin. ¡®The Alpha timeline is the main timeline. The important timeline. The one the plot centers on.¡¯ Legcramp cocked his head. ¡®The¡­ plot?¡¯ Sigma suddenly looked very flustered. ¡®I¡­ uhh¡­ Forget I said that.¡¯ ¡®So how does this help me escape?¡¯ Legcramp asked, suddenly and inexplicably forgetting any mention of a plot. Sigma wiped the sweat from his brow and sighed in relief. ¡®Being from the Alpha timeline means you¡¯re the main Legcramp. You have to escape. It¡¯s inevitable, no matter what. The Eye can¡¯t just let you stay stuck here for¡ª¡® Sigma suddenly found his mouth sealed shut, preventing him from speaking any more foolish words. For no reason in particular, he forgot all about the Alpha timeline and instead remembered that there was a spare time machine conveniently floating just nearby. ¡®What eye?¡¯ Legcramp asked. ¡®Eye?¡¯ said Sigma. ¡®I didn¡¯t say anything about an eye. I was just talking about that time machine near here that you can use to escape.¡¯ Legcramp was very confused. ¡®Huh? You didn¡¯t say anything about a time machine. You said there was no way out of here just a few minutes ago.¡¯ Sigma laughed. ¡®Did I? I must have misspoken.¡¯ Legcramp stared at his future self. ¡®Why haven¡¯t you used the time machine to escape, then?¡¯ Sigma froze in place. ¡®I¡­ I¡­ suppose it just never occurred to me. It¡¯s quite nice here once you get used to it. So how about that birthday party?¡¯ ¡®Where¡¯d it come from?¡¯ Legcramp asked, glaring into Sigma¡¯s eyes. Sigma avoided his gaze and said, ¡®Where did what come from?¡¯ ¡®The time machine.¡¯ Sigma pursed his lips and tried to look casual. ¡®Ooh, I don¡¯t know¡­ around¡­¡¯ Legcramp sighed. He supposed spending hundreds of millions of years in this place would do who-knows-what to someone¡¯s psyche. ¡®Just show me where it is,¡¯ Legcramp said. ¡®Of course, of course!¡¯ Sigma said, kicking off a nearby floating hour and gesturing at Legcramp to follow. Legcramp hesitated for a second, then kicked off the hour and floated after him. For some strange reason, Legcramp felt like he was being watched. Probably just his imagination. CHAPTER TWENTY-FOUR - BODACIOUS BARRY AND THE SECRET OF ELVENSTEAD Elvenstead or Elfenstead or whatever dumb name the elves had picked out for it was a severely over-designed, gold-plated, tacky pile of trash, as their tour guide Lorelei had informed them. Lorelei, despite her young age of only one thousand and sixteen, was strangely worldly for an elf. In Neckbrace¡¯s experience, the average elf couldn¡¯t even point out the Sheol on a Venusian world map. As far as they were concerned, nothing existed outside their city walls. Lorelei¡¯s perspective, however, had changed after an enlightening student exchange program with the Shattered Soul-Lands. She had stayed with a host family of soulless undead husks, bound to an eternity of servitude to the Demon King Satan. Her host family had been very welcoming to Lorelei, providing her with a wonderful journey of self-discovery and blood sacrifice. Lorelei had returned home to Elvenstead with a new outlook on life. Rendering her an outcast amongst the population. Lorelei had taken this in stride, priding herself on her life experiences that most elves lacked. In doing this, Lorelei had become quite insufferable.
¡®So what happened to the husk that stayed with your family?¡¯ Neckbrace asked. Lorelei turned to look at her. ¡®What do you mean?¡¯ ¡®It was an exchange program wasn¡¯t it?¡¯ said Neckbrace. ¡®You stayed with someone¡¯s family, and someone stayed at yours.¡¯ Lorelei laughed. ¡®Oh yeah, him. He devoured my family¡¯s souls and went on a rampage through the city. They still haven¡¯t caught him, I think.¡¯ ¡®Crikey,¡¯ said Barry, who was sweating quite a lot from the heat despite his new immortal body. ¡®That¡¯s some bad luck right there.¡¯ ¡®Not at all,¡¯ Lorelei said with a smile. ¡®I got adopted by the High Stakesman after that. Now I got the most badass vampire hunter in the Solar System for a dad.¡¯ Neckbrace grimaced. ¡®He won¡¯t kill you,¡¯ Lorelei said, rolling her sparkly elf eyes. ¡®You¡¯re collared.¡¯ ¡®Who does he kill, then?¡¯ Neckbrace asked. ¡®He goes after the most dangerous vampires to keep the rest of them passive,¡¯ Lorelei explained. ¡®His latest target is this dude called Nosebleed. Man, vampire names are weird.¡¯ ¡®Hey, I know that guy!¡¯ Neckbrace said. ¡®He¡¯s on Earth.¡¯ ¡®Thanks for the tip, sellout,¡¯ Lorelei said with a chuckle. Neckbrace didn¡¯t like Lorelei very much.
Lorelei¡¯s tour of Elfenstead was not what Neckbrace had been expecting. The city mostly consisted of massive golden spires, carved with intricate patterns and runes. Between the spires, magically floating platforms teemed with Venusian flowers and expensive-looking gazebos. The main streets floated too; silver brickwork connecting the spires and garden platforms in a precisely arranged grid. Lorelei didn¡¯t lead the tour group through any of this. Instead, she took them down an elaborate array of stairs and magical elevators until they had arrived at what Neckbrace could only imagine was Elvenstead¡¯s seedy underbelly. It was still an immaculate, gleaming faux-utopia, but just marginally less-so than the hovering streets above.This narrative has been purloined without the author''s approval. Report any appearances on Amazon. ¡®Hey, kid,¡¯ said Neckbrace. ¡®When are you gonna break us out of here?¡¯ Lorelei feigned shock. ¡®Who said I was gonna do that? Wait, did you think I was going to free you?¡¯ Lorelei did that haughty anime laugh, to the annoyance of everyone. ¡®No, no, no, my dear mosquito. I have much more interesting things planned for you.¡¯ ¡®Boo!¡¯ said Damo. ¡®Inconsistent personality, boo!¡¯ Lorelei scowled and used some elf magic to turn Damo into a slightly uglier version of himself. ¡®Jokes on you,¡¯ said the slightly more ugly Damo. ¡®I already have no self-esteem!¡¯ ¡®Oh yeah, soz for killin¡¯ ya, mate,¡¯ said Barry. ¡®No worries, mate,¡¯ said Damo. ¡®Happens to the best of us.¡¯ Lorelei sighed. ¡®Whatever. Just keep following me and I might consider letting you go.¡¯ Lorelei, whom Neckbrace had deduced was probably just very bored, eventually led the group to what appeared to be a bar, hidden down some almost-dirty-but-still-cleaner-than-any-city-on-Earth alleyway. The bar was tended by an elf who looked straight out of a boy band, but was probably some old grizzled, twenty-thousand year old veteran of the Green Tea Sea War. ¡®Hey, Felamanamora,¡¯ said Lorelei, waving to the bartender. ¡®How¡¯s that boy band coming along?¡¯ Felamanamora glared at her, then pushed a button under the counter. The jukebox at the back of the bar swung open, revealing a hidden passage. ¡®Don¡¯t you want the password?¡¯ Lorelei asked. Felamanamora gestured at the passage in a way that said Get out of my sight. Lorelei shrugged and waved for the group to follow her as she ducked through the passage. Most of the group ducked in after her, but Kim stayed put. Her gross slug form was vibrating in a way that it didn¡¯t normally, and two strange lumps had appeared on her sticky green back. ¡®Oi Kim,¡¯ said Barry. ¡®You comin¡¯?¡¯ ¡®Glarblelarbleglar,¡¯ Kim replied. Barry turned to the group. ¡®Kim says she¡¯s not feeling well,¡¯ he said. ¡®What if the Venusian atmosphere¡¯s toxic for her kind or somethin¡¯ Bazza?¡¯ asked Jim. ¡®Should we get ¡®er a respirator?¡¯ ¡®Yeah!¡¯ said Damo. ¡®She¡¯s the heart and soul of the Ice Bag Gang! We ¡®ave to help ¡®er!¡¯ ¡®Glarblelarbleglarbleglar,¡¯ said Kim. Some kind of foul smelling mucus was pouring out her singular face-hole. ¡®Kim says she¡¯ll be fine,¡¯ said Barry. ¡®This is normal for ¡®er species. I think.¡¯ ¡®What is her species, anyway?¡¯ Neckbrace asked. She had never seen anything like Kim before. Barry and his crew all shrugged. ¡®Are you people done?¡¯ asked Lorelei. ¡®Glarblelarble,¡¯ said Kim. ¡®Kim says to go on without ¡®er,¡¯ said Barry. ¡®We¡¯ll pick ¡®er up on the way out.¡¯ With the Kim situation settled, the group proceeded to follow Lorelei down the uncomfortably cramped passage.
The long, winding passage behind the jukebox led to a large underground basketball court that had been covered with folding chairs, tables and sleeping bags. Sitting around the court, slurping on blood bags and chatting about how much sunlight sucked, were several dozen vampires. Lorelei cast a quick spell and Neckbrace¡¯s collar fell off. ¡®Welcome to the abdomen tribe,¡¯ she said. Neckbrace was momentarily lost for words. ¡®What¡­ what is this?¡¯ ¡®They settled too close to the city, so my dad wanted them gone,¡¯ Lorelei explained. ¡®I decided to take on the job to ¡°prove myself¡± to him. What he didn¡¯t know was that I actually smuggled the tribe into the city, and have been keeping them safe. He thinks they¡¯re all dead, but they¡¯ve been here all along.¡¯ ¡®I don¡¯t get it,¡¯ said Neckbrace. ¡®Why do this?¡¯ Lorelei pulled down the collar of her dumb elf robes to reveal two small bite marks on her neck. ¡®I got turned into a vampire on my exchange trip. Gotta look out for your own, right? My vampire name¡¯s Largeintestine, by the by.¡¯ ¡®Well, then,¡¯ Neckbrace said, her opinion of Lorelei / Largeintestine slightly raised. ¡®What do you want me for?¡¯ Largeintestine grinned. ¡®You¡¯re gonna help me smuggle them out. They can¡¯t stay in this place forever. Sooner or later my dad¡¯s gonna realize they¡¯re here. With your help, and the help of¡­¡¯ she loosely gestured towards Barry and his crew. ¡®¡­ that. We can save them.¡¯ Neckbrace thought for a moment, then nodded. Helping fellow vampires, plus escaping from Elvenstead? Sounded like a good deal to her. She only had one question. ¡®Did you really need to pretend to be such an asshole up there?¡¯ Largeintestine blinked. ¡®Pretend?¡¯ CHAPTER TWENTY-FIVE - THE OMEGA TIMELINE The incredibly convenient time machine was shaped like a quad bike with a trendy touch-screen display, the futuristic-ness of which made Legcramp very uncomfortable. As Sigma explained, the new intuitive time machine interface allowed the user to easily hop between timelines, without all the comically convoluted levers and pull cords of the previous designs. Available now for only the low, low price of $4999.99, paid in ten monthly installments! Order yours today! Bidding Sigma and the weird time-space farewell, Legcramp keyed in Timeline Alpha on the display, wincing as he fingers sizzled against the cutting edge technology. Just as he was about to confirm his destination, he remembered something important. The Apocalypse Goblin had commanded him to undo the nuclear apocalypse using a time machine. Going back to the Alpha timeline would just put him in the middle of the post-apocalyptic wasteland with the beefy Nosebleed and mildly insane Heartburn. He had to go somewhere else. A timeline where he hadn''t destroyed the Earth. This was his opportunity to fulfill his divine mandate. He didn¡¯t really want to fulfill it, and with the Apocalypse Goblin dead it¡¯s not like anyone actually cared, but Legcramp had a job to do, and he was going to do it. ¡®Which timeline is furthest from Alpha?¡¯ he asked Sigma. ¡®Um, Omega, obviously?¡¯ Sigma replied in a very out-of-character tone. ¡®Right,¡¯ Legcramp said, punching in Omega 1 on the display. ¡®Omega it is.¡¯ He pressed the go button, which, in keeping with the non-linear time flow aesthetic the time machine''s interface had, actually said og. Then Legcramp was there. He was expecting some kind of winding wormhole-like tunnel with giant ominous clocks flying past, but instead, the time travel was instantaneous. Just pop and there he was. If Legcramp¡¯s life was being told in some kind of narrative format, it would¡¯ve been very anticlimactic. He had popped into some random, very not bombed, human-built street. Normal, human houses lined either side of the street. Some humans were outside mowing their lawns, but no one seemed to have noticed Legcramp arrive. Legcramp parked the quad bike on the sidewalk and climbed off of it, shielding his eyes to the Sun. The Sun. It didn¡¯t hurt. It was actually quite pleasant. Was the Omega timeline that different? Maybe he had gone too far back, before the artificial, vampire-harming Sun was installed. Legcramp checked the display. Nope, it definitely said The 1960s or something. Perplexed, Legcramp turned around to see a young human child starting at him. ¡®You can¡¯t park there, you know,¡¯ said the child. ¡®Human child,¡¯ said Legcramp. ¡®What year is it?¡¯ ¡®I dunno, the 1960s or something?¡¯ the child replied. He was carrying an overstuffed backpack. Perhaps he was on his way home from school? ¡®Where are the nuclear bombs in this timeline?¡¯ Legcramp asked. The child shrugged. ¡®I dunno. Are you a Russian spy?¡¯ ¡®A what spy?¡¯ ¡®Russian. Y¡¯know, the country? With the communists?¡¯ Legcramp had never heard of it. The Omega timeline was weird. ¡®What planet is that on?¡¯ The child blinked. ¡®¡­ Earth?¡¯ ¡®If they¡¯re spies, Heartburn¡¯s probably in charge of them,¡¯ Legcramp muttered to himself.Stolen novel; please report. ¡®I¡­ should probably get going,¡¯ said the child, turning to leave. Legcramp grabbed him by his backpack. ¡®Wait! I have one more question, small human child.¡¯ ¡®Don¡¯t call me that,¡¯ said the small human child. ¡®What¡¯s wrong with the Sun?¡¯ Legcramp asked.
Legcramp sat on a decorative pillow in the child¡¯s basement. He didn¡¯t know how it had come to this, but apparently the child was immensely interested in Legcramp¡¯s vampirism. After the child had assured his mother that there were absolutely no vampires in the basement and she should not even bother checking, the questions began. The child sat cross-legged on another decorative pillow across from Legcramp. For some reason, he seemed extremely familiar. ¡®So you¡¯re an alien?¡¯ the child asked. ¡®No, I was born on Earth,¡¯ Legcramp replied. ¡®But your ancestors are aliens?¡¯ Legcramp sighed. ¡®No, they¡¯re from Venus.¡¯ ¡®¡­ Which means they¡¯re aliens,¡¯ the child said. Legcramp pinched the bridge of his nose. ¡®Venus is in the Solar System, alright? Which means they¡¯re not aliens.¡¯ ¡®But they¡¯re from another planet,¡¯ said the child, ¡®Which means they definitely are aliens.¡¯ ¡®Since when does just being from a neighboring planet make you an alien?¡¯ said Legcramp. ¡®I can jump to Venus from here.¡¯ ¡®Can¡­ can you actually?¡¯ asked the child. ¡®Jump from here to Venus?¡¯ ¡®Yes!¡¯ exclaimed Legcramp, stunned that the child apparently could not. The child took a deep breath. ¡®Okay. Let¡¯s start over. I¡¯m Lee. What¡¯s your name?¡¯ ¡®Legcramp.¡¯ Lee snorted. ¡®Seriously?¡¯ Legcramp scowled. ¡®What? You think our names are funny? They were given to us by the Satanic Order itself! Symbolizes our mastery of flesh or something, I don¡¯t know.¡¯ Lee¡¯s eyes widened. ¡®Wait, Satan?¡¯ ¡®Most powerful political position on Venus, what about it?¡¯ Legcramp said, folding his arms. He was getting tired of Lee¡¯s questions. ¡®Satan¡¯s on Venus? I thought he was like, underground or something.¡¯ ¡®Are we done yet?¡¯ Legcramp said. ¡®No! Wait!¡¯ Lee cried, flailing about. ¡®Uhh¡­ how old are you? I¡¯m twelve, but you¡¯re probably like a thousand or something, right?¡¯ Legcramp froze. He forgot he was twelve, too. ¡®Uhhh¡­¡¯ he said. ¡®Tweeelve¡­thousaaand¡­million?¡¯ ¡®Woah,¡¯ Lee said. ¡®Can you turn people into vampires?'' ''I... could?'' Legcramp answered. ''But my mom says I''m too young, still.'' Lee cocked his head. ''I thought you said you were twelve thousand million years old?'' Legcramp sweated. ''Uhhh...'' ''Can you turn into a bat?¡¯ Lee asked. Legcramp stood up. ¡®Okay, I¡¯m leav¡ª wait, can I turn into a bat? Why would I ever want to turn into a bat?¡¯ The door at the top of the basement stairs opened and a woman stepped in. ¡®Lee, I¡¯ve brought more¡­ lemon¡­¡¯ ¡®MOM!¡¯ Lee screamed. Legcramp stood dumbfounded. Her skin was light pink instead of grey, her hair was brown instead of black and she had no fangs, but the woman was undoubtedly Armwrestle. ¡®Armwrestle?¡¯ Legcramp said. ¡®Lee? Who is¡­ this?¡¯ the weird, human Armwrestle asked. ¡®Just a¡­ just a friend, mom!¡¯ Lee explained unconvincingly. Then it hit Legcramp. Lee was him. A version of him in which he had been born a human, in which Armwrestle had been born a human. Lee looked shockingly similar to how Legcramp had looked before absorbing more biomatter to beef himself up. With Lee¡¯s extreme ignorance of basic concepts, it¡¯s possible that the Omega timeline was even more different than he thought. What if all the vampires were human? What if the Satanic Order didn¡¯t exist? What if Mars hadn¡¯t been taken over by a robot empire? What if Mercury was actually good? No, that last one would be too ridiculous. But still, Legcramp had clearly made a huge mistake choosing such a different timeline. He rushed up the stairs, pushing past human-Armwrestle. He burst out the front door and onto the street. The quad bike wasn¡¯t there. The street wasn¡¯t there. He was in a large, metal room. Legcramp spun around. The room was behind him, too. ¡®You took quite the scenic route, but I see you¡¯ve made it all the same,¡¯ said the Apocalypse Goblin. Legcramp turned back to the front. The Apocalypse Goblin stood beneath a giant array of hundreds of bright, red buttons. ¡®I thought you¡­¡¯ Legcramp began. ¡®You thought I was dead?¡¯ the Goblin chuckled. ¡®Fool. I am a deity. The God of Apocalypses. Nothing can kill me. Before you stands your divine trial. Each of these buttons launches nuclear bombs in a different timeline. As a servant of the Demon King Satan, your trial shall be to not press a single button for thirty seconds. That¡¯s it. That¡¯s the challenge. Piece of cake, right?¡¯ Legcramp gulped. His fingers already itched. CHAPTER TWENTY-SIX - BODACIOUS BARRY AND THE HANDS OF TIME Largeintestine had already settled on a plan to save the abdomen tribe years ago. All she needed to go through with it was a sufficiently strong singular vampire. A vampire like Neckbrace. The cranium tribe produced the strongest vampires in the Solar System, and Neckbrace was one of the strongest vampires amongst the cranium tribe. If anyone could make sure Largeintestine¡¯s plan went off without a hitch, it was her. ¡®Would you mind explaining to us what exactly this plan is?¡¯ asked Kidneystone, the leader of the abdomen tribe. ¡®Are you crazy?¡¯ said Largeintestine. ¡®If I explained the plan then it would have to fail.¡¯ Kidneystone furrowed his brow. ¡®Why?¡¯ Largeintestine gestured wildly in a way that said Don¡¯t ask me, and the matter was settled. Neckbrace sat crouched in a dark corner near one of Elvenstead¡¯s central checkpoints. Across from her, Barry, his crew, and an extremely ill-looking Kim with two enormous lumps on her back also waited. At exactly 6:00 pm, elf standard time, Largeintestine would be taking the vampires, disguised as a high school basketball team, through the central checkpoint on the other side of the city. Neckbrace stared at her watch, trying to figure out how to read an analog clock. Was the small hand or big hand hours? Neckbrace concluded that the big hand was surely hours, since hours were bigger than minutes. After several more minutes of staring at the watch, Neckbrace was unsure yet again. Did hours move that quickly? She needed a second opinion. Neckbrace tore her mouth off and threw it to the ground, where it then grew tiny legs and scuttled over to Barry like a crab. ¡®Pssst, Barry,¡¯ she said through her disembodied mouth-crab. ¡®I told ya to call me Bazza,¡¯ Barry replied in a harsh whisper. ¡®How do you read an analog clock?¡¯ Neckbrace asked. Barry rolled his eyes. ¡®Classic Necko. Give it here and I¡¯ll show ya.¡¯ Neckbrace¡¯s mouth scuttled back to her, grabbed her watch with its teeth, then scuttled on over back to Barry. ¡®Oi, are you havin¡¯ a laugh? What in the bloody hell is this?¡¯ Barry exclaimed, inspecting the watch. ¡®It¡¯s a watch,¡¯ said Neckbrace. ¡®You gotta be jokin¡¯. Why¡¯s it round? What¡¯re these sticks?¡¯ ¡®I dunno. Can you read it?¡¯ Barry seemed genuinely offended. ¡®Can I read it? Mate, I¡¯d have better luck reading the diary of a bloody Pallasian gorilla.¡¯ Neckbrace¡¯s mouth dejectedly scuttled back to her, then reaffixed itself to her face. Well, that was a bust. If the big hand was indeed hours, then according to the watch five hours had passed during that exchange. That didn¡¯t seem quite right, so Neckbrace had to assume the big hand was minutes, as dumb as that sounded. The big hand was pointed at the seven, but did it mean seven in the morning or seven at night? Was the watch in twelve or twenty-four-hour time? Wait, the watch only counted up to twelve, so it was probably in twelve hour time. Unless, of course, analog watches came in pairs, one for the morning and one for the evening, and Neckbrace only had the morning one. Why would Largeintestine only give Neckbrace the morning watch? Did she intend to give Neckbrace the morning watch? Was it all a setup? Was Largeintestine reporting to her father about Neckbrace¡¯s location at this very moment? Of course! It all made sense! Neckbrace knew it had been a bad idea to trust an elf, even one that had been turned into a vampire. Neckbrace jumped out of her hiding place, much to Barry and co¡¯s astonishment.The author''s narrative has been misappropriated; report any instances of this story on Amazon. ¡®We¡¯ve been betrayed!¡¯ Neckbrace cried. ¡®We have to escape!¡¯ Barry stayed perfectly still and silent, and gestured with his eyes to something just within the checkpoint. Neckbrace turned to her left. Standing under the checkpoint¡¯s main archway was a tall, muscular elf with a crucifix and wooden stake tied to his belt. Slung over his chest was a bandolier carrying holy water vials and garlic. Tattooed across his forehead were the words I HATE VAMPIRES. He was staring right at Neckbrace. Accompanying him was some kind of horse-headed demon who hadn¡¯t noticed her yet. Neckbrace vaguely recognized the demon as someone high up in the Satanic Order. ¡®His nightmares have been quite extreme, I hope you understand,¡¯ the demon was saying. ¡®Quiet, Orobas,¡¯ said the elf. ¡®High Stakesman Van Helsing?¡¯ Orobas asked before turning around and seeing Neckbrace standing there like an idiot. Van Helsing smiled. He was wearing a grill over his teeth emblazoned with the words VAMPIRES SUCK. Neckbrace had to admit, he was dedicated towards his style. Van Helsing began to mutter to himself, ¡®Cranium tribe. Female. Power level approximately ten thousand. A fine specimen.¡¯ Barry burst from his hiding spot. ¡®Did you just say her power level was over nine¡ª¡® Van Helsing held up a hand to stop him. ¡®Stop, thrall. Spare yourself the embarrassment.¡¯ He fixed his attention back on Neckbrace. ¡®Tell me, cranium tribesman, for I am curious; why are vampire tribe names in lower case? Surely they would be proper nouns.¡¯ Neckbrace shrugged. Van Helsing nodded as if that had answered his question. ¡®Of course, of course.¡¯ ¡®Hey, your daughter set me up, didn¡¯t she?¡¯ Neckbrace asked. Van Helsing raised an eyebrow. ¡®And why would my adopted surrogate half-stepdaughter do that? Lorelei has never even met a vampire. I hardly think she would conspire with one such as yourself.¡¯ Neckbrace deflated (not literally, although she definitely felt like doing that, too). Largeintestine hadn¡¯t betrayed her? Or maybe the High Stakesman was just lying. To protect her ego, Neckbrace chose the latter option. ¡®To try and implicate such an innocent girl¡­¡¯ Van Helsing growled. ¡®I don¡¯t know why I¡¯m surprised. Atazoth designed vampires as perfect war machines. You have little empathy for each other, and none for lesser species. An act like this is mild compared to¡­ Have you seen what has become of Earth?¡¯ ¡®¡­ No?¡¯ Neckbrace answered. ¡®A vampire destroyed it. The peoples and cultures, lives and families, all dead. Paved over by nuclear devastation.¡¯ Neckbrace snorted. ¡®You think this is funny?¡¯ Van Helsing asked, horrified. Neckbrace waved her hands. ¡®No, no, no, it¡¯s just that I know the guy who did it. Never thought he¡¯d actually pull it off. Kinda impressed, actually.¡¯ Van Helsing gritted his teeth. ¡®This is why I never make conversation with your kind.¡¯ ¡®Well, you just did,¡¯ said Neckbrace. She shrugged. ¡®Sorry, jerk.¡¯ Van Helsing drew his stake. It was made from some kind of metal. Future-alloy, Neckbrace guessed. ¡®High Stakesman!¡¯ barked Orobas. ¡®Need I remind you that this¡­ creature is an affiliate of the Satanic Order? I will you not have you harming property of Satan.'' ¡®Hey!¡¯ Neckbrace pointed at Orobas. ¡®The Vampire Independence Treaty of 400,000 B.C! Look it up, nerd! We¡¯re not Satan¡¯s property anymore!¡¯ Orobas scoffed. ¡®That treaty was hardly¡ª¡® A small spaceship crashed into the archway above, causing the magnificent golden structure to collapse on top of Van Helsing and Orobas. Once the dust had settled, a lone figure wearing an extremely bulky insulated spacesuit hopped out. ¡®Bodacious Buttface!¡¯ cried the shrill voice of Captain Bonus, rendered fuzzy by the spacesuit¡¯s speakers. ¡®I¡¯m here to finish the¡­ How are you surviving without an environment suit? What¡¯s going on here?'' He turned stiffly to see Neckbrace standing just a few meters away from him. ¡®I¡¯ve made a mistake,¡¯ said Captain Bonus. CHAPTER TWENTY-SEVEN - BIGGER REDDER BUTTONS Legcramp stared at his shaking hands in horror. For several seconds, the Apocalypse Goblin was speechless. ¡®Did¡­ did you just press every single button?¡¯ the Goblin asked. Legcramp gave a little nod. ¡®Did you just press every single button, destroying Earth in every single timeline?¡¯ Legcramp gave an apologetic shrug. The Goblin waddled over and slumped into a nearby plastic folding chair in defeat. ¡®As a deity of apocalypses, I would ordinarily be thrilled. This, however¡­ This is a little extreme. Even for me.¡¯ ¡®What now?¡¯ Legcramp asked. The Goblin thought for a short while. ¡®When I was young, my father, who is also me as it would happen¡­¡¯ ¡®What?¡¯ said Legcramp. ¡®Time travel junk, don¡¯t worry about it,¡¯ the Goblin said with a dismissive wave. ¡®My father told me, My son, who is also me, never quit while you¡¯re ahead. If you hit rock bottom, get out a drill and keep digging. You can never be too much of a scumbag. Come to think of it, that¡¯s terrible advice for your current situation. Ignore everything I just said.¡¯ ¡®I didn¡¯t mean to press the buttons,¡¯ Legcramp said. ¡®It just¡­ happened.¡¯ The Goblin thought some more. ¡®So you¡¯re saying it was out of your control?¡¯ ¡®That¡¯s another way of saying what I just said, sure,¡¯ said Legcramp. The Goblin stood up and began to pace. ¡®Back in the day, the Satanic Order had a backdoor of sorts into the minds of vampires, so you could all be controlled more efficiently. That backdoor was supposed to be closed once vampires earned their freedom. What if it wasn¡¯t?¡¯ Legcramp raised an eyebrow. ¡®Are you saying Satan made me do it?¡¯ The Goblin raised his stubby green hands. ¡®I¡¯m just saying, who else stands to gain from destroying every possible iteration of Earth?¡¯ ¡®Mars?¡¯ The Goblin waved the idea away. ¡®Besides Mars.¡¯ ¡®Mercury?¡¯ ¡®Okay, fine,¡¯ said the Goblin. ¡®But who else?¡¯ ¡®¡­ Pallas?¡¯ ¡®Okay, now you¡¯re just being obtuse,¡¯ the Goblin said. ¡®It¡¯s Satan. Satan made you press those buttons.¡¯ Legcramp immediately felt better. ¡®Well, that¡¯s a weight off my chest, then.¡¯ The Goblin glared at him. ¡®No, this is not a good thing. There''re eight hundred vampires in the Solar System. Even the weakest ones can crack a tectonic plate in half like a biscuit. Out of all the deities in the System, Satan is easily in the top forty of worst ones to own a small army of immortal, massively overpowered undead abominations. I might even go so far as to put him in the top thirty-five.¡¯Unauthorized use of content: if you find this story on Amazon, report the violation. ¡®So what?¡¯ asked Legcramp. ¡®He uses us to take over the Solar System. What changes? Mars is already a dictatorship. Earth is toast. Venus is virtually under his control already. Mercury is¡­ Mercury. I don¡¯t see what the problem is.¡¯ ¡®That¡¯s just Satan speaking through you,¡¯ the Goblin said. ¡®You can¡¯t just say Satan is speaking through me whenever I say something you disagree with,¡¯ Legcramp said, folding his arms. ¡®Are you really twelve years old?¡¯ the Goblin asked. Legcramp puffed out his chest. ¡®I¡¯m very mature for my age.¡¯ ¡®Arguable,¡¯ the Goblin scoffed. ¡®Anyway, I can¡¯t let Satan ruin the Solar System, because that¡¯s my job. I have this whole thing planned out. There¡¯s gonna be floods, and fire, and battles, and, and¡­ It¡¯s gonna be amazing, okay? I took pointers from The Big AG back when I still worked with him. Now there¡¯s a guy who knows a thing or two about apocalyptic floods.¡¯ ¡®You¡¯ve lost me,¡¯ said Legcramp. The Goblin sighed. ¡®Here¡¯s the deal, okay? We¡¯re gonna go back to the Alpha timeline, we¡¯re gonna give the score to the rest of your dumb vampire friends, and we¡¯re all gonna hop to Venus and beat the snot out of Satan. The Big AG will rehire me for taking out his competitor, and I can destroy the Solar System in peace. Good plan?¡¯ ¡®No, it¡¯s¡ª¡® ¡®Good plan.¡¯ As the Apocalypse Goblin started to waddle over to the time machine which had been conveniently moved to the metal room when no one was looking, Legcramp stopped him. ¡®Hold on,¡¯ said Legcramp, gripping the Goblin¡¯s surprisingly warm arm. ¡®I have a better idea.¡¯
¡®You took quite the scenic route, but I see you¡¯ve made it all the same,¡¯ said the Apocalypse Goblin. Legcramp turned back to the front. The Apocalypse Goblin stood beneath a giant array of hundreds of bright, red buttons. ¡®I thought you¡­¡¯ Legcramp began. ¡®You thought I was dead?¡¯ the Goblin chuckled. ¡®Fool. I am a deity. The God of¡ª¡® Before the Goblin could finish his line, a quad bike burst out of nowhere, with Legcramp and the Apocalypse Goblin riding it. ¡®I¡¯m you from one minute in the future!¡¯ future Legcramp shouted at past Legcramp. ¡®Don¡¯t press any buttons!¡¯ ¡®This isn¡¯t going to work!¡¯ said the future Goblin. ¡®He¡¯s being controlled! You¡¯re being controlled!¡¯ Another quad bike appeared out of thin air. Another Legcramp and Apocalypse Goblin were riding it. ¡®Get him!¡¯ shouted the other Goblin. The other Legcramp jumped off the quad bike and attempted to tackle past Legcramp, but was cut off by a quad bike popping out of nowhere, on which yet another Legcramp and Apocalypse Goblin rode. ¡®There¡¯s only one way out of this!¡¯ the yet another Legcramp cried, before being punched in the face by a different Legcramp who had just appeared riding a quad bike with a different Apocalypse Goblin in tow. Suddenly, another quad bike burst of out of thin air. On it were another Legcramp and another Apocalypse Goblin. ¡®Oh no,¡¯ said the new Goblin, as another quad bike popped into existence and ran him over. Within fifteen seconds, there were about thirty different Legcramps and Apocalypse Goblins in the room, all engaging in an outright brawl. ¡®I told you this was a bad idea,¡¯ said the future Apocalypse Goblin. ¡®See this mess? This is your fault.¡¯ Before future Legcramp could reply, the future Goblin suddenly perked up. ¡®Wait!¡¯ he exclaimed. ¡®I have an idea!¡¯ With great effort, the future Goblin climbed atop a tower of quad bikes and bellowed to the crowd below, ¡®STOP!¡¯ All the Goblins stopped fighting, then elbowed their respective Legcramps to follow. ¡®Instead of fighting each other because of some dumb plan Legcramp made up¡­¡¯ Half the room murmured in disagreement. ¡®¡­ Why don¡¯t we fight our mutual enemies together?¡¯ The murmurs of the room became ones of consideration. ¡®Nosebleed strengthened himself by absorbing his alternate selves,¡¯ the future Goblin went on. ¡®If all the Legcramps pooled their power into a single individual, we would be unstoppable.¡¯ One of the Legcramps raised his hand. ¡®Hi, Legcramp from thirty-three seconds in the future here. How, exactly, do we pool our power together? And who do we pool our power into? You¡¯re presenting interesting concepts, but I find the details lacking.¡¯ The future Apocalypse Goblin clapped his greasy goblin hands together. ¡®I hear you loud and clear, unnaturally verbose Legcramp. To address your concerns, no one Legcramp standing here shall be the recipient of the power, unlike Noseblood. We will instead be creating an entirely new Legcramp, who is equal parts of all you, and yet more powerful than all of you put together.¡¯ Murmurs of excitement came from the easily influenced crowd. ¡®That¡¯s right,¡¯ the future Goblin said with a yellow-toothed grin. ¡®I am about to teach you all the power of fusion.¡¯ CHAPTER TWENTY-EIGHT - BODACIOUS BARRYS COOL FRIEND Neckbrace cracked her knuckles. ¡®Oh¡­ okay, settle down there,¡¯ Bonus stammered. ¡®It¡­ it was just a prank!¡¯ The pile of rubble created by Bonus'' crash landing shifted. Golden rocks tumbled aside as Van Helsing and Orobas emerged. Neither had a scratch on them, but they seemed pretty ticked off anyway. ¡®HO!¡¯ Bonus shrieked, seeing the horse-headed demon for the first time. Orobas brushed some dust off his shoulder and stepped forward, his hooves clopping on the golden pavement. ¡®Captain Bonus. Earth-born,¡¯ he said. ¡®Stay back, dark creature!¡¯ Bonus shouted, drawing a pistol. ¡®How do you know my name?¡¯ Orobas¡¯ deep, black eyes stared into Bonus¡¯ quivering soul. ¡®I am the Great Prince Orobas. I know all things of the past, present, and future.¡¯ Van Helsing turned to Orobas. ¡®Really? You didn¡¯t think it important to tell me this information?¡¯ Orobas coughed. ¡®Well, it is a bit of an¡­ embellishment, I must admit. However, I am still very knowledgeable, I assure you.¡¯ ¡®What¡¯s my birthday?¡¯ Van Helsing asked. Orobas looked deeply into Van Helsing¡¯s eyes. ¡®January. NO, July! Eight¡­no, nine¡­teen?¡¯ ¡®It¡¯s November seven,¡¯ said Van Helsing. ¡®I knew that,¡¯ said Orobas. ¡®It was a test. I was testing you.¡¯ ¡®Ay, either of you two know how to read an analog watch?'' Barry asked. ¡®Ah!¡¯ Orobas jumped. ¡®Where did you come from?¡¯ ¡®Oi, I¡¯ve been standin¡¯ here the whole time, dingbat.¡¯ ¡®Ah, of course,¡¯ said Orobas. ¡®I knew that.¡¯ ¡®Bodacious Bathwater!¡¯ Bonus screamed. ¡®I don¡¯t know what¡¯s happening here, but don¡¯t think for a second that you¡¯re free from my wrath!¡¯ Neckbrace stepped forward, grabbed Bonus¡¯ arm and held it behind his back. ¡®Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow,¡¯ Bonus said. ¡®Please stop that.¡¯ ¡®I¡¯ve had enough this,¡¯ Van Helsing said, drawing his stake once more. ¡®Thrall!¡¯ Neckbrace shouted. ¡®Protect me!¡¯ ¡®Righto!¡¯ said Barry, throwing himself on top of Van Helsing. The vampire hunter faltered, gagging from the stench. With the gentlest of movements, Neckbrace ripped Bonus¡¯ arm off and threw his screaming body to the side. Van Helsing, pinching his nose, steadied himself and drove the stake directly into Barry¡¯s forehead. Barry, forgetting that he was immortal, stumbled back in surprise. With a furious grunt, Van Helsing tore the stake out and stepped towards Neckbrace.The author''s tale has been misappropriated; report any instances of this story on Amazon. ¡®HEY!¡¯ Bonus roared. ¡®HORSE DEMON!¡¯ ¡®Yeah?¡¯ said Orobas. ¡®MAKE ME IMMORTAL, TOO!¡¯ Orobas held up his hands. ¡®Oh, I don¡¯t do that.¡¯ ¡®I DON¡¯T CARE! MAKE ME IMMORTAL!'' ¡®Fine,¡¯ said Orobas. ¡®Your soul for immortality.¡¯ ¡®DEAL!¡¯ With his remaining hand, Bonus pulled his helmet off, then instantly melted into a steaming puddle of goop. ¡®For the love of Baphomet, I haven¡¯t done it yet,¡¯ Orobas tutted. ¡®Earth-borns truly have no patience.¡¯ Shaking his head, the demon walked over to Bonus¡¯ sticky remains and traced a pentagram on the ground with his finger. The symbol glowed bright red, then a beast¡¯s arm, greasy fur matted with dried blood, rose from the ground. The arm touched two fingers to the puddle that once was Bonus and whispered something in an ancient tongue. Then, as if time itself was rewinding, the goo floated upwards and reformed itself back into Captain Bonus. The arm receded back into the ground, and Bonus leaped to his feet, taking a deep breath of Venusian air. ¡®It is done,¡¯ said Orobas. ¡®That¡¯s right, Bodacious Bagpipes!¡¯ Bonus screeched. ¡®I¡¯m immortal, too!¡¯ Barry, incapable of speech while his frontal lobe was still reforming, merely groaned in response. ¡®Speechless, I see,¡¯ said Bonus, his smugness radiating like an airborne disease. ¡®As you should be!¡¯ Neckbrace and Van Helsing, who had paused their fight to watch the whole display, turned back to each other. ¡®Any last words, vampire?¡¯ Van Helsing growled. ¡®Yeah,¡¯ said Neckbrace. ¡®I just wanna- WHAT THE HECK IS HAPPENING OVER THERE?¡¯ ¡®You can¡¯t fool me,¡¯ said Van Helsing. ¡®I know all your tricks.¡¯ Neckbrace stood slack-jawed, staring at what was going on behind the vampire hunter. ¡®Wait, is there actually¡­?¡¯ Van Helsing turned around. ¡®GOOD LORD!¡¯ he exclaimed. Kim, Barry¡¯s alien slug friend, had grown to twice her usual size. Acidic goo squirted from her pores, melting the gold brick around her. She flopped violently about like a fish on land, every inch of her throbbing form vibrating in a disturbingly rhythmic fashion. The two lumps on her back had grown to astounding size. They strained against her leathery green skin as if trying to escape, and sure enough, they did. With an echoing scream of pain, the skin of Kim¡¯s back tore open, and two massive, feathered wings burst out. Barry, his brain finally healed, furrowed his brow at the sight before him. ¡®You right, Kim? Need some Panadol?¡¯ A beam of golden light erupted from the sky, enshrouding Kim in shining glory. The leathery skin she had called home evaporated in the sunlight, and a woman in intricately carved armor, with magnificent wings sprouting from her back, stood. ¡®I am Sk?gul, chosen Valkyrie of Odin,¡¯ she declared, her voice booming like thunder. ¡®But my friends call me Kim.¡¯ ¡®Sick as,¡¯ said Barry. ¡®Didn¡¯t know ya could do that.¡¯ ¡®I was grievously wounded in battle many eons ago, Bazza,¡¯ Kim explained. ¡®The cacoon is a state of primordial hibernation us Valkyries return to when near death. Finally, I have regained my true form once again.¡¯ ¡®Hold on! Time out!¡¯ Orobas cried. The demon jogged over to Kim and shoved a finger in her face. ¡®Venus is the territory of the Satanic Order! Odin has no right to send his bird ladies here!¡¯ ¡®I am not here on behalf of Odin,¡¯ said Kim. ¡®Also, does Venus know you have stolen her planet?¡¯ ¡®I assure you we paid Venus handsomely,¡¯ Orobas said. ¡®NOW GET OUT! You¡¯re not even supposed to be in Midgard! Don¡¯t you have eight other realms you can go bother? Go on, SCRAM!¡¯ ¡®I do not like your tone, demon,¡¯ said Kim, drawing her sword. ¡®Can we all just SHUT UP,¡¯ spat Van Helsing, ¡®and cease these NEEDLESS DISTRACTIONS? There is a vampire I am trying to KILL.¡¯ ¡®Neckbrace is a part of our crew,¡¯ said Kim. ¡®To kill her, you must battle me first.¡¯ ¡®I¡¯m not a part of your stupid crew,¡¯ said Neckbrace. ¡®Yeah you are,¡¯ said Barry. ¡®You signed the contract.¡¯ Neckbrace looked at him incredulously. ¡®What? No, I didn¡¯t.¡¯ Barry shook his head. ¡®Nah, mate. Got your thumbprint while you were sleeping. You¡¯re Ice Bag Gang for life.¡¯ ¡®Destroy that contract, thrall,¡¯ Neckbrace commanded. ¡®Whatever you say, boss,¡¯ Barry said. He took out a crumpled piece of paper from his pocket, which then instantly caught fire and burnt to ashes in the heat of Venus¡¯ atmosphere. ¡®Done.¡¯ Neckbrace sighed with relief. ¡®Okay, Van Helsing,¡¯ she said. ¡®Let¡¯s fight.¡¯ CHAPTER TWENTY-NINE - PLANET NOSEBLEED Five seconds after Legcramp had vanished in the speedboat, he reappeared, ten meters tall, riding a quad bike, with thirty Apocalypse Goblins on his back. ¡®WHAT THE¡ª¡® shouted Nosebleed right before the 30X Legcramp punched him in the face with the force of a ballistic missile strike. Armwrestle and Heartburn stood momentarily stunned, trying to piece together how exactly what they were seeing had happened. It wasn¡¯t long before they gave up that idea and just started cheering on the new, giant Legcramp. Nosebleed quickly reformed all his internal organs and screamed, ¡®CHEATER!¡¯ Legcramp replied by stomping him into a smooth paste. Before Legcramp could scoop up the paste and make smoothies out of it, however, Nosebleed snapped back into a solid form and dodged away. Legcramp¡¯s size and strength may have improved, but his speed and reaction time had been hampered by the fact that all thirty Legcramps needed to unanimously agree on what to do next. While Legcramp¡¯s internal brains argued about whether to dodge or block, Nosebleed took advantage of the opportunity by leaping into the air and punching Legcramp¡¯s massive nose in. Legcramp stumbled backward, the ground shaking as he fell to one knee. ¡®FOOL!¡¯ Nosebleed shrieked. ¡®DID YOU REALLY THINK YOU COULD BEAT ME JUST BY FUSING WITH YOUR ALTERNATE SELVES?¡¯ Nosebleed punctuated every word with another successive punch to Legcramp¡¯s face. Each punch caused a rippling shockwave through Legcramp¡¯s body, forcibly ejecting one of his component Legcramps and making him noticeably weaker. He was less than half his size now. Sixteen unconscious Legcramps lay in clumps around him. ¡®Plan B!¡¯ The lead Apocalypse Goblin on his back shouted. ¡®PLAN B!¡¯ Nosebleed finally ended his assault with a roundhouse kick that knocked five whole Legcramps out of the fusion. While the still-big-but-much-less-bigger-than-before Legcramp attempted to climb to his unreasonably large feet, the Apocalypse Goblins clinging to his back initiated Plan B. They dropped onto the floor, then began a precisely coordinated dance number, complete with lyrics and mood lighting. As the twelve-minute long dance neared its end, the fusion began. The Goblins piled together, their sticky green bodies melting into each other like butter left out in the Sahara desert. Soon, they had become an amorphous mass of flesh, writhing and throbbing and trying to figure out which way is up. Then, the flesh blob burst into blazing hot fire. The flesh was incinerated, and from the ashes, a naked man with charred skin and a flaming beard arose, a red-hot sword held on his back in a sheath made of his own skin. ¡®Hey, that didn¡¯t happen when we fused!¡¯ the 14X Legcramp complained. ¡®We just became a bigger version of ourselves!¡¯ The Apocalypse Goblin, or rather Apocalypse Man, was not listening. ¡®Ah,¡¯ he muttered to himself. ¡®This is quite convenient.¡¯ Nosebleed, having dozed off during the dance number, awoke, refreshed and ready to continue the battle. Armwrestle and Heartburn sat off to the side, having figured that if their help was needed, it would be requested. ¡®WHO¡¯S THIS?¡¯ Nosebleed exasperatedly gestured to the Apocalypse Man.Unauthorized reproduction: this story has been taken without approval. Report sightings. The Apocalypse Man still seemed to be lost in his own world. ¡®I was planning on cracking a deal with that Xiuhtecuhtli creep, but this is much better.¡¯ Nosebleed stomped over to the Man and snapped his fingers. ¡®HEY! EYES HERE!¡¯ The Apocalypse Man finally looked at Nosebleed, then immediately tore the glowing sword from his back and sliced the vampire in half. Nosebleed screeched in pain. ¡®HOW DARE YOU! HOW DARE YOU DEFILE THE BODY OF THE MIGHTY NOSEBLEED!¡¯ The Apocalypse Man spat a glob of magma at the ground, then proceeded to slice Nosebleed into tiny, tiny, tiny pieces. Satisfied with his work, the Apocalypse Man stabbed the sword back into his blistered back skin and walked away. Nosebleed, however, was not dead yet. The minuscule scraps of his body inched together when no one was looking, forming nothing more than a mouth and vocal cords. ¡®NOSEBLEEDS!¡¯ Nosebleed¡¯s mouth screamed. ¡®I AM ACCELERATING THE PLAN! INITIATE COMPLETE PLANETARY ASSIMILA¡ª!¡¯ Legcramp stomped on the mouth before it could get any more words out, but the damage, it seemed, was done. In five seconds flat, thousands of Nosebleeds flooded into the storage vault. They busted through the door, tunneled through the ceiling, and somehow dug through the floor, despite the fact that the storage vault was on the lowest level. The Apocalypse Man drew his sword once again. He chopped through as many Nosebleeds as he could but there were just too many. Legcramp, Armwrestle, and Heartburn fared no better. They could not stop the Nosebleeds as they piled together on top of their leader¡¯s still moving scraps. The Nosebleeds melted together like butter left out in the Australian outback, fusing into a single, massive glob of flesh. Then the glob of flesh sunk into the floor like quicksand, and it was gone. The vampires and fiery naked man stood in silence for a moment. ¡®Well, then,¡¯ said Heartburn. ¡®I¡¯m glad that¡¯s over with. Now, back to focusing on how to kill Bodacious Ba...'' The ground shifted, then shook. The walls around them collapsed, as did the entire facility above. The storage vaults were supposed to be deep underground, and yet they could all see the radioactive sky rushing past them outside. Rushing past them very, very fast. The entire landscape, all the way to the horizon, had been upended and was rapidly ascending. The ground rumbled with the intensity no mere earthquake could muster. The sound of the wind and crumbling tectonic plates was deafening. Over the horizon, four equally sized, round mountains began to rise. As the mountains grew taller, they also grew closer. They seemed to be folding in on themselves. From behind them, another solitary mountain was doing the same. The entire continent was being folded in half, crushed between these bizarre structures. The Apocalypse Man realized it first. ¡®¡­They¡¯re fingers.¡¯ Nosebleed¡¯s six-thousand-kilometer wide hand clenched into a fist, plunging those within into an inky blackness. Then, with an over-arm swing, it threw the tectonic plates it held, and everything on them, far into space. From the flying chunk of rock that used to be the facility, the vampires (and naked man) could see what had become of the Earth. Its radiation-scarred surface was peeling off like dead skin, revealing a fleshy, pale layer beneath. As the dirt and water of Earth floated into the void, Nosebleed raised his head. He hovered in the vacuum, arms outstretched, eyes closed. He was sixty-thousand kilometers tall. A vampire to end all vampires. The comparatively microscopic vampires still clinging to the tumbling pebble gaped in awe. The planet-sized Nosebleed basked in his ultimate power, then suddenly keeled over and wretched. His enormous throat bulged as if something was trying to escape. Then, an arm burst out of Nosebleed¡¯s mouth. An arm made of beeswax. Nosebleed¡¯s entire head exploded in a veritable supernova of blood as the walking hive, now as tall as Nosebleed was, burst out of his neck hole. Nosebleed¡¯s head quickly reformed as the hive floated a couple of dozen of thousand kilometers away and readied into a combat stance. ¡®VAMPIRE SCUM LIKE YOU KILLED OUR ANCESTORS!¡¯ the hive roared, its words so powerful not even the impossibility of sound waves transmitting in a vacuum could stop it. ¡®THEN, VAMPIRE SCUM LIKE YOU KILLED OUR ANCESTORS AGAIN! AND NOW, VAMPIRE SCUM LIKE YOU DESTROY OUR PLANET! THE BEE EMPIRE WILL STAND FOR THIS INJUSTICE NO LONGER! THE ULTRA HIVE CHALLENGES YOU TO A TRIAL BY COMBAT!¡¯ Nosebleed cracked his mountainous knuckles. ¡®Sure,¡¯ he said. ''Why not?'' CHAPTER THIRTY - BODACIOUS BARRYS BIG BREAK ¡®Neckbrace,¡¯ said Sk?gul-But-Her-Friends-Call-Her-Kim, ¡®Do not fight this man. He has slain countless vampires. Your superior strength and speed mean nothing to him.¡¯ Neckbrace blew a raspberry. ¡®Don¡¯t worry, don¡¯t worry. I have a secret weapon.¡¯ ¡®Lemon juice won¡¯t work either,¡¯ Kim warned. Neckbrace gasped in horror. ¡®Okay,¡¯ she said shakily. ¡®That¡¯s okay. I¡¯m cranium tribe. I can beat him even without lemon juice.¡¯ ¡®Have you ever heard of the vampire Toothache?¡¯ Van Helsing asked, butting into the conversation. ¡®Former champion of the cranium tribe?¡¯ Neckbrace answered warily. Van Helsing pointed at a pair of fangs stitched into his coat¡¯s sleeve. ¡®These are his.¡¯ Neckbrace pursed her lips. ¡®Hey, Barry!¡¯ she called out. ¡®Why don¡¯t you take this one for me?¡¯ ¡®Sorry, boss!¡¯ Barry called back. ¡®I¡¯m on lunch!¡¯ ¡®Huh?¡¯ Neckbrace said. ¡®Lunch? You¡¯re my thrall, you don¡¯t get lunchbreaks.¡¯ Barry took a bite of his sandwich and shrugged. ¡®I¡¯m unionized. It¡¯s out of your hands, boss.¡¯ ¡®Unionized?¡¯ Neckbrace asked, incredulous. ¡®That goes against the entire point of undead slaves. When did you get unionized anyway?¡¯ Kim stepped in, cutting the conversation short. ¡®Let me handle him. I¡¯m an Asgardian warrior trained under Odin. An elf with some vegetables strapped to his shirt has nothing on me.¡¯ Neckbrace took a deep breath and pushed Kim out of the way. ¡®You know what?¡¯ Neckbrace said. ¡®I¡¯m gonna fight him.¡¯ ¡®I¡¯m just about ready to fight anyone at this point,¡¯ Van Helsing said. ¡®So, I hope you¡¯ve made up your mind for real this time.¡¯ ¡®This is a bad idea,¡¯ Kim warned. ¡®Yeah, but it¡¯ll be really cool,¡¯ Neckbrace replied, stretching in preparation. ¡®Before we fight,¡¯ Van Helsing said. ¡®I would like to tell you the story of my past.¡¯ ¡®Do you have to?¡¯ Neckbrace asked. Van Helsing pulled a sheet of paper from his pocket and unfolded it. He cleared his throat and began reading. ¡®I was not born on Venus like many of my elven brethren, no. I was born in the realm of Alfheim, amongst the first of my kind. For three hundred years of my life in Alfheim, I saw no strife, no struggle. My people were at peace. I was at peace. Then the Dark Elves came, and for the first time in my life, I felt the cold touch of evil. It was during this time that--'' ¡®Is this going anywhere?¡¯ Neckbrace asked. ¡®Does this have a point?¡¯ Van Helsing sighed and dug around his pocket some more, eventually pulling out a large stack of folded papers. He unfolded each paper one at a time and scanned through them before finally settling on one in particular. Van Helsing cleared his throat again and read, ¡®In conclusion: I hate vampires.¡¯ ¡®Cool, that was really interesting,¡¯ said Neckbrace. ¡®Can we fight now?¡¯ Van Helsing growled, shoving the papers back into his pocket. ¡®Fine. So be it.¡¯ Neckbrace sprinted forward, instantly breaking the sound barrier, and drove her supersonic fist right into Van Helsing¡¯s face. ¡®Puncho Stopeth!¡¯ Van Helsing cried, and Neckbrace¡¯s fist stopped mere millimeters from his elven nose. Surrounding Neckbrace¡¯s wrist was a circle of floating runes, tied together with intricate patterns. Sorcery.This narrative has been purloined without the author''s approval. Report any appearances on Amazon. Neckbrace narrowed her eyes. ¡®Ah. You¡¯re a wizard.¡¯ ¡®Vampireth Deconstructo!¡¯ Van Helsing shouted. Neckbrace¡¯s skin peeled off. Then, each individual tendon in her body unraveled and floating into the air around her. Her nervous system detached itself from her skeleton and hovered away, bringing her brain with it. ¡®Ow, ow, ow,¡¯ Neckbrace said as her bones separated and formed a floating ring around her internal organs. Her blood vessels coiled into a tightly wound rope. Her stomach split in half and the acid within spilled to the ground. Neckbrace watched it all from her now disembodied eyeballs, suspended fifteen meters above the ground. Van Helsing drew his stake and grabbed Neckbrace¡¯s exposed heart. ¡®Easily dispatched,¡¯ he said, readying to stab. Neckbrace did the only thing she could. The lemon glands within her eyes squirted a stream of juice towards Van Helsing. The vampire hunter spun around, detecting the attack, and screamed, ¡®Lemoneth Redirecto!¡¯ The juice darted away from him and onto Barry¡¯s sandwich. ¡®Cheers, mate,¡¯ Barry said. Van Helsing scoffed. ¡®Did you honestly think¡ª¡® A string of Neckbrace¡¯s muscle had wrapped itself around Van Helsing¡¯s neck. The distraction had worked. ¡®Undo the spell!¡¯ Neckbrace¡¯s vocal cords said. ¡®The¡­ the lemon¡­ one?¡¯ Van Helsing choked out. ¡®The one before that!¡¯ ¡®Gack!¡¯ Van Helsing coughed. ¡®No! I¡­ will¡­ never submit¡­ to a vampire!¡¯ ¡®Dad!¡¯ a voice called out. Neckbrace¡¯s eyeballs swiveled around to see Largeintestine, AKA Lorelei, standing down the street. ¡®One¡­ one second¡­ Lorelei,¡¯ Van Helsing said. ¡®I¡¯m¡­ a little¡­ busy!¡¯ ¡®Undo the freakin¡¯ spell!¡¯ Largeintestine demanded. Neckbrace¡¯s muscle rope tightened. ¡®Wha¡­ WHAT?¡¯ Van Helsing croaked. ¡®You heard me,¡¯ said Largeintestine. ¡®Undo the spell or I¡¯ll go home and smash your dumb vase collection.¡¯ Van Helsing¡¯s eyes looked like they were about to pop out of his head. ¡®Vampireth¡­ Deconstructo¡­ Undoeth!¡¯ In an instant, Neckbrace¡¯s body snapped back together, every part going approximately where it should. Van Helsing, recovering from both the choking and his daughter¡¯s betrayal, was left wide open for an attack. Neckbrace raised her leg up and swung it down, intending to decapitate the kneeling vampire hunter in a single blow. She was too slow. ¡®Attacko deflecteth!¡¯ Van Helsing shouted, turning around and batting Neckbrace¡¯s leg out of the air like it was nothing. Neckbrace went in again with a karate chop, but Van Helsing pulled out a crucifix and slapped her across the face with it, causing Neckbrace to recoil in pain. Vampires weren¡¯t actually weak to crucifixes, but being slapped in the face with a chunk of wood still hurt. Before Neckbrace could try another attack, Van Helsing withdrew a vial of holy water and threw it at her. The vial broke open on Neckbrace¡¯s face and she realized it was actually holy hydrochloric acid. While Neckbrace¡¯s melted eyes struggled to reform under the burning liquid, Van Helsing prepared for his finishing move. He positioned his hands by his side as if he were holding an invisible ball and slowly began to chant. ¡®KAAAAAAAAAMEEEEEE¡ª¡® Van Helsing¡¯s spell was suddenly interrupted by his head exploding. Neckbrace finally got the acid out of her eyes to see Largeintestine standing over Van Helsing¡¯s headless body, her fist covered in elf blood. ¡®Piece of cake,¡¯ said Neckbrace, cracking her knuckles. ¡®Nerd never stood a chance.¡¯ ¡®He was destroying you until I stepped in,¡¯ Largeintestine said. ¡®He would have killed you if I hadn''t watermeloned his face.'' Neckbrace raised a finger. ¡®That was just part of my plan. I intentionally distracted him, so you could get the drop on him. I did, like, 90% of the work there.¡¯ Largeintestine sighed. ¡®Whatever lets you sleep at night, I guess.¡¯ Neckbrace strolled over and gave Van Helsing¡¯s body a kick, just to make sure. ¡®So, you okay with killing your own dad?¡¯ Largeintestine snorted. ¡®I¡¯m a vampire. I¡¯m literally incapable of feeling anything other than okay with it.¡¯ ¡®Good point,¡¯ said Neckbrace. Suddenly, Kim cheered in triumph and flew towards them. Neckbrace thought she was going for a hug, but instead, the Valkyrie went for Van Helsing¡¯s corpse. ¡®Finally!¡¯ Kim said, burrowing her hand into Van Helsing¡¯s chest cavity with a sickening crunch. She grabbed ahold of something and began to pull. Neckbrace expected a rib or internal organ to come out, but instead, Kim pulled out a transparent, ashen copy of Van Helsing himself. ¡®What¡­ what¡¯s going on?¡¯ asked the ghostly Van Helsing. ¡®You¡¯re a warrior who¡¯s slain countless foes and just died in battle,¡¯ Kim said. ¡®Do you know what MEANS?¡¯ Van Helsing¡¯s ghost blinked. ¡®¡­ Huh?¡¯ He didn¡¯t seem as sharp as his living self. ¡®VALHALLA!¡¯ Kim shrieked in excitement. Seeing Neckbrace¡¯s confusion, Kim explained. ¡®The afterlife industry¡¯s been cutthroat ever since Anubis died. The other pantheons keep snatching up souls before us Valkyries can get there. Hades had to hire fifteen more boatmen to handle all the souls he''s been getting, but Valhalla hasn¡¯t gotten a new warrior in decades! When Odin sees this, he¡¯ll have to forgive me for hanging around Midgard!¡¯ Kim turned to Van Helsing¡¯s soul. ¡®You ready to go?¡¯ ¡®¡­Huh?¡¯ said Van Helsing¡¯s soul. ¡®That¡¯s what I like to hear!¡¯ Kim turned around and began frantically waving at the sky. ¡®HEY HEIMDALLR!¡¯ she shouted. ¡®I GOT ONE!¡¯ There were fifteen seconds of silence, then the very air before her split open, revealing a shimmering vortex of color. A vertical slice between realms. Kim gave everyone a wave and said, ¡®Smell ya later!¡¯ then stepped into the Bifrost with Van Helsing¡¯s soul. The vortex closed behind her, and she was gone. Barry finished his sandwich and walked over to Neckbrace. ¡®Hey boss, ya got any more of that lemon juice? Stuff¡¯s bloody delicious. Hey, where¡¯s Kim? She¡¯s gotta try this.¡¯ Neckbrace ignored him and looked around. Something didn¡¯t seem quite right. Then, she realized why. Captain Bonus had vanished, and so had Orobas. CHAPTER THIRTY-ONE - NUCLEAR FUSION The Ultra Hive swung first, its absurdly enormous fist arcing across space. Nosebleed dodged upwards, grabbing the Hive¡¯s arm and twisting it backward. The Hive moaned in collective annoyance, choosing to move with the twisting so as to prevent its arm from being torn off. Nosebleed and the Ultra Hive were now a mess of grappling, planetary limbs, tumbling head over heels. The Hive managed to shake off Nosebleed¡¯s grip and retaliated by punching him in the face, the force of the impact creating a white-hot blast of heat that temporarily obscured the fighters. The light faded to reveal Nosebleed desperately defending his face from the Hive¡¯s lightning fast, honey jet-assisted punches. As he deflected a punch away, Nosebleed reached into his right forearm and tore out a spear of bone to use as a weapon. He let the Hive get a hit on him, then stabbed it through its wrist as it tried to pull back for another blow. Nosebleed appeared to be laughing, but he obviously wasn¡¯t audible as sound in space would be ridiculous. Building on his momentum, Nosebleed stretched his free hand over to a floating chunk of tectonic plate, then grabbed it and smashed over the Ultra Hive¡¯s head. As the Hive recoiled, Nosebleed drove his bone-spear down, severing the Hive¡¯s hand completely. Nosebleed grabbed the hand before it could float away, honey blood trailing behind it, and slapped the Hive across the face with it. He finished his assault by driving the spear through the Hive¡¯s neck, causing it silently splutter in pain. Just as it seemed Nosebleed was prevailing, the Hive began to shudder and vibrate. With an explosion of yellow light, a beam of concentrated quantum honey erupted from the Ultra Hive¡¯s battered face. The beam engulfed Nosebleed¡¯s head, widening and growing in intensity as it was sustained. Then, the beam cut out, leaving only a yellow plume of vaporized honey. Nosebleed¡¯s entire upper body had been blasted away. As his shoulders began to regenerate, the Ultra Hive took the opening. From the open wound where its hand used to be, a massive stinger emerged. As soon as the stinger clicked into place, the Hive rammed it through Nosebleed¡¯s heart. Nosebleed quickly gave up on reforming his full upper body and instead reformed his head on his belly. Grabbing the stinger with both hands, Nosebleed attempted to pull it out by force. With his most vital organ pierced, however, his strength was failing quickly. Nosebleed thought fast. He twisted his pelvis around backward so that he legs bent the opposite direction, then gripped the stinger with his ankles as well as his hands. With all four limbs working in tandem, he managed to loosen the stinger enough to wiggle it out of his heart. The Hive was not going to tolerate this, however. With a quick tug, it pulled the entire stinger out. Then, with every ounce of bee strength it could muster, it rammed the stinger back in, this time impaling Nosebleed fully. Nosebleed saw no other way out. He split his entire body in half at the point the stinger had pierced, then quickly fastened himself back together just outside the stinger¡¯s range. The Hive attempted to stab him again, but Nosebleed dodged. He sprayed superheated blood into the Hive¡¯s face as he swung around its waxy neck, then delivered a colossal kick to the back of its head. The Hive froze, its honey muscles briefly disabled from the planet-cracking shock. It recovered within a few seconds, only to have its chest cracked open by a shattering sucker punch. Nosebleed delivered blow after blow, keeping the Hive perpetually stunned, unable to retaliate. Finally, he centered his fist a mere one hundred kilometers from the Hive¡¯s face. Nosebleed focused his energy. His ocean of blood pumped. His nuclear fusion-powered heart throbbed with heat. Every one of the hundreds of thousands of Nosebleeds comprising his mighty form concentrated their willpower on this single punch. Nosebleed struck at 99.999998% the speed of light, instantly splitting every atom in the Hive¡¯s head, creating a nuclear explosion far beyond anything human technology could produce. The explosion¡¯s light was like a second sun, casting a brief, irradiated day on every planet in the Solar System. Then, the light subsided. The smoking remains of the Ultra Hive¡¯s body, a quickly melting pair of wax legs, floated on a nuclear breeze. Nosebleed grinned. He had won. His conquest of the Solar System would now go uncontested. This was what it was truly meant to be a vampire. Nosebleed had just let down his guard down, when the Hive''s legs shot at him, wrapping themselves around his waist. Nosebleed cried out in alarm. He tried to elbow the legs off in desperation but they wouldn¡¯t budge. From the gaping wound where the rest of the Hive¡¯s body had been, a quantum honey beam fired up. It was thrice as powerful as the last one, using every last drop of quantum honey the bees had left. The beam acted as a rocket, shooting the legs, and by extension Nosebleed, far out of the orbit the Earth had once inhabited. The legs gained speed exponentially as the beam grew stronger. One hundred kilometers a second. One thousand kilometers a second. One million kilometers a second. Nosebleed¡¯s skin was burning. His blood evaporating. He felt pain greater than he thought possible. With his last ounce of strength, he turned to see where the legs were taking him. Nosebleed¡¯s eyes widened in fear. The legs released their grip on him just in time for Nosebleed to go flying into the Sun. Nosebleed screamed an expletive, then fell to dust in the Sun¡¯s burning atmosphere.A case of content theft: this narrative is not rightfully on Amazon; if you spot it, report the violation.
Heartburn put down the telescope (which he kept on his person at all times) and nodded in satisfaction. ¡®Ah, excellent,¡¯ he said. ¡®Did the bees get him?¡¯ Legcramp asked. ¡®Indeed,¡¯ said Heartburn. ¡®An impressive display. Now we can focus on what¡¯s truly important. Taking care of that Boda¡ª¡® A flying piece of debris impacted their chunk of rock, sending it into a tumbling spin. As the vampires (and burnt naked man) regained their footing, the debris stood up and flexed. ¡®JAWBREAKER LIVES!¡¯ it roared. CHAPTER THIRTY-TWO - BODACIOUS BARRY AND THE PHILOSOPHERS STONE With the death of its High Stakesman, Elvenstead had collapsed into chaos. The golden towers toppled. Illegal sorcery popped off at every street corner. Anime piracy had increased by fifteen percent. Neckbrace reckoned that if the death of one man could send an entire society in disarray within fifteen minutes, then it probably hadn¡¯t been a very strong society in the first place. Fortunately, under all the chaos, nobody noticed a suspicious, cloaked group shuffling out of the now unguarded city gates. As soon as they passed through the magical barrier separating Elvenstead from the rest of Venus, the abdomen tribe threw off their hoods and cheered. They were finally free, and Neckbrace was kind of partially responsible, in a way. ¡®Cool, thanks,¡¯ said Largeintestine. ¡®Yeah, sure,¡¯ said Neckbrace. And the two split amicably. Largeintestine and the abdomen tribe went stalking off to eat some babies or whatever they liked doing, whilst Neckbrace just flopped onto the barren, scorching ground and laughed. She had done it. She was on Venus, free, and with her own group of thralls to boot. The sky above was that beautiful, sickly bile-yellow she remembered, peppered with wisps of hydrochloric acid clouds drifting lazily about. The ground was hard and rough, with nothing but the occasional spindly tree or cannibalistic gnome to break up the monotony. The fresh air smelt of sulfur and rot. The heat was like taking a bath in boiling water, only hotter and more uncomfortable. ¡®Hey, thrall,¡¯ said Neckbrace. ¡®Yeah, boss?¡¯ Barry replied, batting away a colossal, bloated mosquito. ¡®Why did I like Venus again?¡¯ ¡®I dunno Boss, ya never said. I reckoned the food must¡¯ve been bloody fantastic.¡¯ Neckbrace laughed. ¡®Oh, the food is not good.¡¯ She climbed to her feet and took a deep, shuddering breath. ¡®I wanna go back to Earth.¡¯ Barry looked at Jim and Damo, and Jim and Damo looked at the rest of the unnamed crew. ¡®You been watchin¡¯ the news?¡¯ ¡®TV¡¯s too new for me,¡¯ said Neckbrace. ¡®Hurts to look at.¡¯ Barry pulled out his Venus-resistant smartphone, which he had gotten from a time traveler black market, and showed Neckbrace the screen. Neckbrace grabbed it, ignoring the searing pain of future-tech, and stared wide-eyed at the display. ¡®Is this a joke?¡¯ she asked. ¡®Am I on one of those ethically questionable prank shows?¡¯ On the screen, there was a news headline. It read: EARTH TURNS INTO VAMPIRE; GIANT HUMANOID BEEHIVE THROWS IT INTO THE SUN; ¡°WHAT?¡± SAY EXPERTS Barry gave an apologetic shrug. ¡®It¡¯s real, boss. Damo saw it with his own eyes.¡¯ ¡®Yea,¡¯ said Damo. ¡®Damo¡¯s got good eyes,¡¯ said Jim. Neckbrace pinched the bridge of her nose and screwed her eyes shut. ¡®So¡­¡¯ she growled. ¡®What¡¯s left? Mars isn¡¯t going to let me just walk in, and Mercury¡¯s Mercury.¡¯ ¡®Pallas?¡¯ suggested Jim. ¡®What?¡¯ laughed Neckbrace. ¡®So I can spend the rest of eternity farming gorillas?¡¯Unauthorized usage: this tale is on Amazon without the author''s consent. Report any sightings. ¡®You could try leaving the System,¡¯ Barry said. ¡®Just puttin¡¯ that one on the table.¡¯ ¡®Living on THE SUN is easier than leaving the Solar System.¡¯ Neckbrace ¡®Calm ya farm, mate,¡¯ said Barry. ¡®It was just an idea.¡¯ ¡®I guess I could try living on the Sun,¡¯ said Neckbrace. ¡®It¡¯d kill me, but I¡¯m pretty okay with that right now.¡¯ ¡®I don¡¯t mean to intrude on your personal affairs¡­¡¯ said a strange voice. Neckbrace jumped to her feet and looked around, but she couldn¡¯t see anyone. ¡®¡­ But I believe we might be able to assist one another,¡¯ the voice continued. Neckbrace turned to where it was coming from. From an unassuming thorny bush, a wiry, bearded man arose. ¡®I am the wizard who lives in this bush,¡¯ he said, ¡®and I hear¡ª¡® The Bush Wizard paused to untangle his robe from the bush¡¯s brambles. ¡®¡ªI hear your troubles, and sympathize as if they were my own.¡¯ ¡®Are you trying to sell me something?¡¯ Neckbrace asked. ¡®Oh heavens, no!¡¯ the Bush Wizard said. ¡®I merely propose a mutually beneficial trade. Tell me, have you ever heard of Yggdrasil, the World Bush?¡¯ ¡®I thought it was a tree,¡¯ said Neckbrace. ¡®Same difference,¡¯ the Wizard quickly said. ¡®My point is, one needs a connection to the Bifrost in order to travel the branches of the Bush to other realms. I can get you that connection. If you are looking for a new home, what better place than the forests of Vanaheim or the mountains of J?tunheim?'' Neckbrace pressed her lips together and thought. ¡®Okay, fine. What¡¯s the catch?¡¯ ¡®I just need one teensy thing,¡¯ the Bush Wizard said. ¡®One tiny, small, little thing. Should take hardly five minutes for a vampire of your talents.¡¯ ¡®What is it?¡¯ Neckbrace asked. ¡®A Philosopher¡¯s Stone.¡¯ Neckbrace spun on her heel and began to walk away. ¡®Nope,¡¯ she said. ¡®I can deal with Venus, thank you very much.¡¯ ¡®WAIT!¡¯ the Bush Wizard shouted, hobbling after Neckbrace. ¡®I know where it is! It¡¯s nearby! You just need to punch a few elementals and it¡¯s yours, easy as that!¡¯ ¡®I¡¯m not a big fan of this Universe,¡¯ Neckbrace said, turning around and jabbing her finger at the Wizard¡¯s chest. ¡®But I¡¯m not going to let an idiot like you destroy it.¡¯ ¡®What¡¯s a Philosopher¡¯s Stone?¡¯ Barry asked, acting as an obvious stand-in for the reader. ¡®The first law of thermodynamics states that energy cannot be created or destroyed,¡¯ Neckbrace explained. ¡®But the Philosopher¡¯s Stone CAN create energy. With the Stone, you could theoretically amplify the natural energy reserves of the Universe by an infinite degree, throwing reality out of balance and destroying everything.¡¯ ¡®But I¡¯ve seen every law of thermodynamics broken in the last bloody week,¡¯ said Barry. ¡®I reckon that planet-sized beehive alone probably messed up our fundamental understanding of the nature of reality, yeah?¡¯ ¡®Shut up,¡¯ said Neckbrace. ¡®I assure you, I will not destroy the Universe!¡¯ the Bush Wizard said. ¡®I am very positively reviewed online.¡¯ Neckbrace sighed. If the Bush Wizard did try to destroy the universe, which he almost certainly would, she could just sock him in the gut before he did. If it meant getting off Venus, she was willing to take the risk. ¡®So, where is it?¡¯ Neckbrace asked. ¡®At the bottom of a bottomless pit,¡¯ the Bush Wizard replied.
¡®Sorry ma¡¯am,¡¯ said one of the stone elementals guarding the bottomless pit. ¡®Can¡¯t let you go any further, or ya might fall into that there bottomless pit.¡¯ The pit was a jagged scar cut into the side of an equally jagged mountain. As the name implied, it did seem quite bottomless. ¡®It¡¯s fine,¡¯ said Neckbrace. ¡®I¡¯m insured.¡¯ ¡®Hey, my boss told me¡­ he said to me, stone elemental, don¡¯t let anyone fall into that pit, or I¡¯ll fire you. I don¡¯t wanna get fired, so I¡¯m not gonna let you jump in the pit.¡¯ ¡®Who¡¯s your boss?¡¯ asked Neckbrace. The stone elemental pointed at the other stone elemental next to him. ¡®He is.¡¯ ¡®Yo,¡¯ said the other stone elemental. ¡®Hey, can I jump into the pit?¡¯ Neckbrace asked. ¡®Sure,¡¯ said the other stone elemental. ¡®Thanks,¡¯ said Neckbrace. With a running start, she leaped into the pit.
Again, the pit¡¯s name proved to be pretty accurate, as Neckbrace was still falling ten minutes after jumping in. She couldn¡¯t see the walls of the pit past the inky darkness, and the crack of light above had shrunk to a mere pinpoint. She was getting bored, and no matter how widely she forced her irises open, her eyes could not penetrate the blackness beneath her. Neckbrace was beginning to regret yet another decision. As she fell, the rushing air around her grew colder and colder. With the change in temperature, an overwhelming stench of rotting flesh filled her nostrils, far overpowering Venus¡¯ natural odour. She heard sounds. Waves on a beach, metal scraping on stone, wind through trees. All noises one would not expect to hear in a bottomless pit. Then, Neckbrace reached the bottom. CHAPTER THIRTY-THREE - OUT OF THE PROVERBIAL FRYING PAN Before Jawbreaker could break any jaws, the Apocalypse Man was on the case. With but a few lazy swipes of his glowing blade, every atom in Jawbreaker¡¯s body had been cleanly divided into equally-sized, quantum chunks. Jawbreaker, no longer possessing a physical body, popped out of his ultimately pointless existence. ¡®Cool,¡¯ said Armwrestle. ¡®Yes, very novel,¡¯ said Heartburn. ¡®Now, back to the matter at hand. Bodacious Ba¡ª¡® Heartburn gagged at the name. ¡®Bodacious Barry is still at large. The Solar System is still in danger.¡¯ ¡®So, what are we supposed to do about it?¡¯ Armwrestle asked. ¡®We don¡¯t even know where this guy is.¡¯ ¡®Indeed,¡¯ said Heartburn. ¡®Luckily, I know of a way to find out. We¡¯ll need vampire blood and some kind of writing implement.¡¯ Before anyone could respond, Heartburn peeled the flesh off his right index finger and tore out a blood-soaked bone. ¡®There. Now we have everything we need.¡¯ Using the dripping bone as a pen, Heartburn got to work. On the dusty ground, he first drew a pentagram, then began to meticulously surround it with various runes and occult writings. ¡®The pentagram is for contacting the Satanic Order directly,¡¯ Heartburn explained as he wrote. ¡®The symbols are for specifying the demon we wish to summon.¡¯ ¡®We¡¯re summoning a demon?¡¯ Armwrestle asked. Heartburn finished the last rune and stood up to inspect his work. ¡®Not just any demon. We are summoning a personal advisor of Satan himself.¡¯ The Apocalypse Man looked flustered. ¡®I¡¯m just gonna¡­ go over here,¡¯ he said, ducking behind a boulder. ¡®And so, we shall begin,¡¯ Heartburn said, closing his eyes. He took a deep breath, then slowly reached one of his arms out over the pentagram. The symbols began to glow an angry red, and demonic whispers filled their minds. Then, Heartburn snapped his fingers. The whispering stopped, and from the pentagram, a horse-headed demon arose. The demon stood with his arms outstretched, and his eyes closed. After a few seconds, the symbols stopped glowing and the demon opened his eyes. ¡®Oh good, more vampires. Just what I needed,'' he said. ¡®Greetings, Orobas,¡¯ said Heartburn. Orobas groaned, his arms falling to his sides. ¡®Heartburn,¡¯ he growled. ¡®I suspect you wish to know more about Bodacious Barry again?¡¯ Orobas turned to the other vampires. ¡®He¡¯s summoned me nine times this month.¡¯ ¡®Tell us the location of Bodacious Barry, Orobas,¡¯ said Heartburn. Orobas sighed. ¡®Very well. As it so happens, I had a personal run-in with him just recently. Last I saw him, he was in the Venusian city of Elvenstead, accompanied by a cranium tribe vampire and a Valkyrie.¡¯ ¡®A vampire and a Valkyrie?¡¯ Heartburn pondered. ¡®What is that demon up to now?¡¯ He turned to Orobas. ¡®No offense.¡¯ Suddenly, the Apocalypse Man burst out from behind his boulder. ¡®A VALKYRIE? IN MIDGARD?¡¯ ¡®Oh?¡¯ Orobas said with a sly, horsey smile. ¡®I was not expecting to see someone of your ilk in a place like this. Anyhow, you need not concern yourself. The Valkyrie returned to Asgard with a warrior¡¯s soul in tow.¡¯ The Apocalypse Man wiped a bead of lava off his forehead in relief. ¡®So, it appears our adversary is on Venus,¡¯ Heartburn said. ¡®But how do we get there, demon?¡¯ ¡®For that, you will have your answer shortly,¡¯ Orobas said. ¡®Now stop bothering me. I¡¯ve missed three dentist appointments because of you.¡¯Stolen content warning: this tale belongs on Royal Road. Report any occurrences elsewhere. ¡®Hey, I have a question,¡¯ said Legcramp. ¡®Did you summon me?¡¯ Orobas asked. ¡®N¡­No.¡¯ ¡®Then you don¡¯t get an answer.¡¯ And with that, Orobas sunk back into the pentagram and disappeared. ¡®What were you going to ask him?¡¯ Armwrestle said. ¡®I was going to give him a paradox, like does a set of all sets contain itself or something, and see how he reacts,¡¯ Legcramp replied. ¡®What did he mean by you will have your answer shortly?¡¯ Heartburn said to no one in particular for no justifiable reason. Just then, Heartburn¡¯s question that he only asked out loud so it could be dramatically answered, was indeed dramatically answered. Near the chunk of rock they stood on, a fleet of sleek, red and orange spaceships had appeared. The largest was a kilometer in length at least, although this wasn¡¯t very impressive considering what had happened two chapters ago. Through a loudspeaker specifically certified to work in a vacuum, a booming voice sounded. ¡®BY THE GREAT ORDER OF SOLAR DEITIES, YOU ARE UNDER ARREST!¡¯
Anticipating a future opportunity to hijack one of the ships and drive it to Venus, the vampires agreed to be apprehended. After surrendering, they had been captured in an uncomfortably warm tractor beam and dropped into a large, spherical holding cell. The cell was at least a hundred meters in diameter, and the only exit was at the very top. The sphere had been constructed from polished bronze, which was kept at a frustratingly high temperature at all times. The soles of Legcramp¡¯s feet began melting after only a few minutes, to his annoyance. The Apocalypse Man was the only one who didn¡¯t seem bothered by the heat. After an hour of painful waiting, the vampires decided that if they had to wait ten more minutes, they would just bust out of the cell by force. This proved unnecessary, as only a minute later, a flaming figure dropped into the cell. ¡®OH! Hi, guys! Remember me?¡¯ the flaming guy said. ¡®YOU!¡¯ Legcramp shouted. ¡®You were at R¡¯lyeh!¡¯ Waterman Monoxide, incapable of laughing, pretended to laugh. ¡®Oooh, yeah. Good times. Hey, I saw your friend Neckbrace a little while back.¡¯ Armwrestle groaned. Waterman Monoxide, either not noticing or just choosing to ignore her, continued. ¡®The ship she was on got blown up, but she¡¯s probably fine. So, I know what you guys are thinking: Why is a normal guy like Waterman riding with a bunch of plasma people from the Order of Solar Deities?¡¯ ¡®We¡¯re not thinking that at all,¡¯ said Armwrestle. ¡®Well, I¡¯ve got a little confession to make,¡¯ Waterman said, again not hearing Armwrestle. ¡®I¡¯m not actually a human, and my real name isn¡¯t Waterman.¡¯ ¡®Oh, really,¡¯ said Legcramp. Waterman patted the air as if calming down a rowdy audience. ¡®I can see you¡¯re all shocked, and I would be too if I were you. You see, my true name is Fireman, and I was sent by the Order of Solar Deities to watch over Earth and prevent the severe copyright infringement solar panels would cause. I have blended flawlessly amongst humans for over three months, but I am at heart, a plasma person from planet Sun.¡¯ No one spoke. ¡®Your speechlessness is understandable,¡¯ Fireman said. ¡®Did you say planet Sun?¡¯ Armwrestle asked. Fireman cocked his fiery head. ¡®Yes?¡¯ ¡®The Sun isn¡¯t a planet.¡¯ Fireman scoffed. ¡®What else could it possibly be, then?¡¯ ¡®A¡­ star?¡¯ Armwrestle suggested. Fireman laughed. ¡®A star? Have you ever seen a star? They¡¯re tiny!'' Armwrestle decided to stop arguing. ¡®I¡¯m glad you¡¯ve come around to the facts,¡¯ said Fireman. ¡®Anyway, I¡¯ve just come to tell you guys that you¡¯re all gonna be publicly executed in like, two hours.¡¯ ¡®What? Why?¡¯ Heartburn asked. ¡®Let¡¯s just say a planet-sized vampire fell onto and subsequently destroyed the capital of the Sun, and Helios isn¡¯t too pleased,¡¯ said Fireman. ¡®Says we gotta kill all the vampires as revenge. Seems pretty reasonable, honestly.¡¯ Heartburn spat at the ground. ¡®Helios. Of course,¡¯ he muttered. ¡®He thinks just because he got an element named after him, all of a sudden he¡¯s hot stuff.¡¯ ¡®I wouldn¡¯t say bad things about Helios,¡¯ Fireman warned. ¡®He was ranked as the number three Solar Deity in the latest plasma people opinion poll.¡¯ ¡®Hey, quick question,¡¯ the Apocalypse Man said. ¡®I¡¯m not a vampire. You still gonna execute me?¡¯ Fireman shrugged. ¡®Probably.¡¯ Before the Apocalypse Man could protest, Fireman suddenly turned away and raised two fingers to the side of his head, as if he were wearing an earpiece. ¡®Uh huh¡­ uh huh¡­ gotcha,¡¯ he whispered to himself. Fireman turned back to the group and said, ¡®I just got informed fifteen minutes ago that there¡¯s another vampire being picked up. Guess you guys will have company. Lucky!¡¯ A deep shout of anger echoed overhead, then a scruffy, bearded vampire dropped in, clanging against the metal floor. ¡®Oh, look. There he is,'' said Fireman. ¡®See you guys in two hours!¡¯ The plasma man vanished in a puff of smoke as the bearded vampire struggled to his feet. ¡®Ah, Armwrestle,¡¯ the vampire said, his voice gravelly and strained. ¡®Fancy meeting you here.¡¯ Armwrestle smirked. ¡®Likewise, dad.¡¯ CHAPTER THIRTY-FOUR - THE DEATH OF BODACIOUS BARRY Neckbrace landed in deep, ice cold water. She couldn¡¯t see anything. She didn¡¯t know which way was up. Her joints were freezing and she was pretty sure some eldritch abomination just brushed past her leg. Out of all the planets, Venus was the last one she expected to get frostbite on. Then, with a mighty bang, a bright, warm light switched on. Neckbrace, using the light as a guide to orient herself, swam up and finally surfaced. She was floating in the middle of a vast underground lake. Far in the distance, she could see where the light was coming from. There was a temple of some sort, sitting on the lake¡¯s rocky shore. From the temple¡¯s top-most window, a spotlight shone, aimed at Neckbrace¡¯s exact location. Neckbrace came to the logical conclusion that that¡¯s where the Philosopher¡¯s stone probably was. Still feeling the paradoxically cold water¡¯s sting, Neckbrace began to swim to the temple. She didn¡¯t get far, however, before a small rowing boat stopped her. The boat was rowed by a hooded, faceless figure, who wordlessly gestured for her to get on. Hoping that she hadn¡¯t actually landed in the waters of Styx, Neckbrace climbed aboard. The figure remained silent as it rowed her the rest of the way to the temple. Once they docked at a small jetty on the shore, the figure vanished, leaving only its black robes lying on its seat. Neckbrace, slightly perturbed, climbed out of the boat and walked to the temple¡¯s entrance. It was a modest building, constructed from simple stone bricks. The wooden door was aged and splintered, yet held firm at Neckbrace¡¯s attempts to open it. Hanging beside the door, she noticed a bell. Neckbrace grabbed it, then tore it off the wall and used it to beat the door in. Stepping over the door¡¯s shattered remains, Neckbrace entered the temple.
The temple¡¯s interior was a large, empty space, with unidentifiable symbols carved into the stone floor. At the far end, there was a simple alter, the only piece of furniture in the room. Sitting on the alter, to Neckbrace¡¯s surprise, was Skeleton. ¡®That wasn¡¯t really how you were supposed to open the door, but whatever floats your boat, I guess,¡¯ Skeleton said. ¡®Hey, I¡¯m looking for a Philosopher¡¯s Stone,¡¯ said Neckbrace. ¡®You got one?¡¯ If Skeleton had eyes, they would have widened just then. ¡®Oh, seriously, man? Hold on, let me get into character.¡¯ Skeleton cleared his throat, then in a deep booming voice, said, ¡®So, vampire, you seek that which should not be sought. The prize that should not be won. The treasure that should not be claimed. The Philosopher¡¯s Stone.¡¯ ¡®Uh huh,¡¯ said Neckbrace, confused as to where this was going. ¡®Then tell me, vampire,¡¯ Skeleton continued, ¡®Why do you seek this Stone? What do you possibly hope to achieve with it?¡¯ ¡®I dunno. Some wizard in a bush told me to get it,¡¯ said Neckbrace. ¡®HA!¡¯ shouted Skeleton. ¡®That was no ordinary wizard, vampire. That was the mighty undead philosopher, Aristotle, who has sought the Stone ever since his black heart still beat.¡¯ ¡®Oh, word?¡¯ said Neckbrace. Skeleton suddenly broke character. ¡®Listen, man, you¡¯re not giving me a ton of material here. Could you ham it up a bit?¡¯ ¡®WHAT?¡¯ shrieked Neckbrace. ¡®YOU CAN¡¯T BE SERIOUS! ARISTOTLE? I¡¯M SO SURPRISED RIGHT NOW!¡¯ Skeleton seemed a little taken aback by Neckbrace¡¯s performance. ¡®That''s¡­ that¡¯s right, vampire! The master you have sworn yourself to has been deceiving you all this time! Now, pray tell, do you still wish to help him achieve true immortality?¡¯ This time Neckbrace broke character. ¡®Oh, I didn¡¯t know about that immortality stuff. I¡¯m just getting the Stone because he said he can get me access to the Bifrost.¡¯ ¡®Seriously?¡¯ Skeleton said, also dropping out of character. ¡®That¡¯s it? I thought he had enthralled you or something, man. Y¡¯know, I can just get you a ticket to the Bifrost. It¡¯d be, like, at least fifty percent easier.¡¯ ¡®Cool,¡¯ said Neckbrace. ¡®Let¡¯s do that, then.¡¯ Skeleton raised a boney hand. ¡®Hold on, man. I still want something from you first.¡¯ Neckbrace sat cross-legged on the floor. ¡®Shoot,¡¯ she said. ¡®I had this whole thing planned out, right?¡¯ Skeleton said. ¡®I was gonna reveal my true identity, unveil an unlikely ally, it was a whole thing, man. Seems like kind of a waste just to skip past it all.¡¯ ¡®I get that,¡¯ said Neckbrace. ¡®So you want me to pretend to be Aristotle¡¯s thrall so you can do that whole thing?¡¯ Skeleton clicked his tongue that he didn¡¯t have. ¡®Spot on,¡¯ he said.This novel''s true home is a different platform. Support the author by finding it there. Neckbrace climbed to her feet and stretched. ¡®So do you wanna¡­?¡¯ ¡®You start,¡¯ said Skeleton. ¡®What do I¡­?¡¯ Skeleton flicked through a stack of papers that appeared to be a screenplay. ¡®Hold on¡­ one second¡­¡¯ He found the page he was looking for and put the others down. ¡®Okay, man, you say something like He is my master, I will never betray him. Don¡¯t say exactly that, though. Get creative, man. Make a show of it.¡¯ ¡®Okay, sure,¡¯ said Neckbrace. Skeleton waited. ¡®So are you going to¡­?¡¯ ¡®Oh, right. HE IS MY MASTER! I WILL NEVER BETRAY HIM!¡¯ ¡®Wait, wait, wait, wait, man. I just said not to say exactly that.¡¯ ¡®I couldn¡¯t think of anything better.¡¯ ¡®Seriously, man? You never took improv classes or anything?¡¯ ¡®No.¡¯ ¡®You for real, man? You¡¯ve been alive for the entirety of human civilization and you¡¯ve never taken a single improv class?¡¯ Neckbrace sighed. ¡®Can we just get this over with?¡¯ ¡®Fine,¡¯ said Skeleton. ¡®But I wanna see some effort, alright man?¡¯ Skeleton cleared his throat once more and boomed, ¡®Perhaps you will change your mind, vampire, once you learn my TRUE IDENTITY!¡¯ ¡®Nothing you can say will sway me, Skeleton!¡¯ Neckbrace retorted. Skeleton gave an evil chuckle. ¡®Maybe you wish to know why I know so much about your beloved master.¡¯ ¡®What are you playing at?¡¯ Neckbrace demanded. ¡®WHAT TRICKS DO YOU HAVE UP YOUR SLEEVE?¡¯ ¡®You see, vampire, your master was once my student!¡¯ Skeleton declared. Neckbrace gasped. ¡®No!¡¯ ¡®Yes!¡¯ Skeleton laughed. ¡®I am the sorcerer supreme! The creator of the Philosopher¡¯s Stone! I AM PLATO!¡¯ ¡®Are¡­ are you actually?¡¯ Neckbrace asked. ¡®Yeah,¡¯ said Skeleton. ¡®Don¡¯t break character.¡¯ ¡®PLATO? OH MY GOSH!¡¯ Neckbrace screamed. ¡®NOW YOU SEE THE TRUTH!¡¯ Skeleton, or rather Plato, roared. ¡®YOUR MASTER HAS SENT YOU TO DIE!¡¯ ¡®It can¡¯t be!¡¯ Neckbrace cried. ¡®OH, IT CAN BE!¡¯ Plato smiled. ¡®You see, I had always sought a true source of immortality. Others, like your pathetic master, resurrect themselves like the common zombie, but I wanted something more. Through harvesting the sap of Yggdrasil, the ore at the heart of Olympus, the armpit hair of Anubis, and the tears of the Rainbow Serpent, I created the ultimate alchemical masterpiece! Once drunk, it transformed me into a being that could create and destroy energy at will! A being stronger than the gods themselves! I have no further use for the restrictions of flesh; of paltry mortal desire! I am the Philosopher¡¯s Stone!¡¯ Neckbrace couldn¡¯t think of a good follow up line, so she just gasped. ¡®But that¡¯s not all!¡¯ Plato sneered. ¡®I have been studying the dark arts to further my power! And in my studies, I learned the ancient secret to creating vampires!¡¯ This actually surprised Neckbrace. ¡®In fact,¡¯ Plato continued, ¡®I have already created one from a generous test subject! He is stronger, faster, and more intelligent than any Satan-birthed vampire! And top it all off, he is resistant to future technology and the effects of UV rays!¡¯ Neckbrace blinked. She could see why Plato didn¡¯t want this whole song and dance to go to waste. ¡®STEP FORTH, MY MINION!¡¯ From behind the alter, Plato¡¯s pet vampire rose to his feet. ¡®Wait, WHAT?¡¯ Barry cried. Neckbrace spun around to see Barry standing behind her. ¡®When did you get here?¡¯ she asked. ¡®He¡¯s been here the whole time, man,¡¯ said Plato. ¡®Yeah, I jumped in after ya, boss,¡¯ Barry said. ¡®Thought you noticed.¡¯ ¡®You¡¯re too stealthy for your own good,¡¯ Neckbrace said. ¡®Also, wait WHAT?¡¯ Plato¡¯s vampire was none other than Captain Bonus. Plato got back into character and continued his monologue. ¡®BEHOLD! The ultimate vampire, Captain Bonemarrow!¡¯ ¡®So, Bodacious Bed-wetter,¡¯ said Bonemarrow. ¡®It looks like the shoes on the other foot, now!¡¯ ¡®Do you still wish to serve your master?¡¯ Plato demanded with a sickening grin. ¡®YOU WILL NEVER MAKE ME BETRAY MY MASTER!¡¯ Neckbrace screamed. Plato¡¯s smile dropped. He had quite the range of facial expressions for a skeleton. ¡®So be it,¡¯ he said. Plato then dropped character and clapped his hands. ¡®So, that¡¯s a wrap! Good job everyone. I felt a lot of emotion from you in particular, Neckbrace. Keep that up. So, same time next week?'' Captain Bonemarrow leaped forward and slapped Neckbrace¡¯s head off. Plato flipped through his papers. ¡®This isn¡¯t in the script¡­¡¯ he muttered. ¡®I WILL DESTROY YOU!¡¯ Bonemarrow screeched. ¡®Hey, calm down there, man,¡¯ Plato said. ¡®YOU CAN¡¯T CONTROL ME!¡¯ Plato looked sheepish. ¡®Well, this might be a problem.'' Neckbrace had just managed to reform her head beforeBonemarrow kicked in her stomach hard enough to turn her internal organs to diamond. Neckbrace tried to block his next attack with her arms, but his fists sheared through her bones as if they were made of sponge cake. With a badly-executed karate chop, he chopped her body into two symmetrical halves, his speed creating enough friction to instantly cauterize the wounds. Bonemarrow¡¯s techniques were unrefined, but his strength was beyond any vampire Neckbrace had ever faced. She might as well have been a human trying to fight Thor. Neckbrace needed more strength. She needed an ally. She merged her halves back together and scrambled out of the way of Bonemarrow¡¯s furious swipes. ¡®BARRY!¡¯ she roared. ¡®GET OVER HERE!¡¯ ¡®Aight,¡¯ said Barry, strolling over to where Neckbrace was desperately dodging attacks. ¡®What do ya need?¡¯ Neckbrace extended her fangs, impaling Barry¡¯s neck. ¡®Ow,¡¯ said Barry. In one slurp, Neckbrace drained every last drop of blood from Barry¡¯s veins, causing him to flop to the ground like a dead leaf. Ducking below a roundhouse kick, Neckbrace screwed her eyes shut and whispered some Satanic nonsense that all vampires had seared into their brains. In all her years, she had never done anything like this before. Neckbrace had just never thought she would make a good mother. Summoned from the boiling pools in the depths of the Sheol, Barry¡¯s veins began to fill with a new liquid. Vampire blood. Bodacious Barry was dead, and in his place, the vampire named Bodacious Brainstem sat up. ¡®Noice,¡¯ said Brainstem, flexing his Satanically enhanced muscles. ¡®HEY, PUNCH THIS GUY FOR ME!¡¯ Neckbrace cried. ¡®Sure thing, mum,¡¯ Brainstem said, zipping forward and cracking his knuckles against Bonemarrow¡¯s skull. Bonemarrow keeled over in pain. Brainstem was much less powerful than him, but now it was two against one. They had a chance. Before the fight could commence, however, the temple suddenly shook with a thunderous boom. Then someone burst through the broken front door. CHAPTER THIRTY-FIVE - REUNION Armwrestle¡¯s dad scratched his beard, causing a shower of bioluminescent ticks to fall out. ¡®So,¡¯ he said. ¡®The fire guy says we¡¯re gonna get executed. We gonna escape or what?¡¯ Heartburn stood, slack-jawed. Jabbing a finger at Armwrestle¡¯s dad, he stammered, ¡®Y¡­ Y¡­ Y¡­ YOU¡¯RE ELBOWGREASE! AFTER ALL THESE YEARS! YOU''RE ELBOWGREASE!¡¯ Elbowgrease pulled a beer out of ear canal and cracked it open. ¡®That¡¯s my name,¡¯ he said, taking a sip. Suddenly, he spat the beer out and swore. ¡®YOU¡¯RE HEARTBURN!¡¯ he exclaimed. Thinking back to chapter fifteen, Legcramp remembered that Heartburn¡¯s pursuit of Elbowgrease was what led him to Earth in the first place. Legcramp patted himself on the back for his great memory. Heartburn took a deep breath and regained his composure. ¡®Out of all the times I could have run into you, of course it has to be now. The Norns have a frustrating sense of humor.¡¯ ¡®So, uh, we good?¡¯ Elbowgrease asked. Heartburn scowled so hard a vein in his forehead popped, sending a stream of blood shooting out. ¡®No,¡¯ he growled. ¡®We are not good. In the interest of self-preservation, however, I will leave our matters to be settled¡­ later.¡¯ Elbowgrease hiccupped and emptied the rest of his beer can. Vampires couldn¡¯t actually get drunk, but it seemed Elbowgrease was trying his best to disprove that. ¡®Works for me,¡¯ he slurred. ¡®Hey, anyone got another beer?¡¯ Armwrestle leaned in close to Legcramp and said in a low voice. ¡®Guy¡¯s been trying to get drunk ever since humans started drinking alcohol.¡¯ ¡®He looks pretty drunk to me,¡¯ Legcramp whispered back. ¡®Placebo effect,¡¯ Armwrestle said. ¡®AY!¡¯ Elbowgrease exclaimed. ¡®There¡¯s my favorite grandson!¡¯ ¡®I¡¯m not your grandson,¡¯ said the Apocalypse Man. ¡®And please let go of me.¡¯ ¡®He seems like an¡­ okay guy,¡¯ Legcramp whispered. ¡®Why was Heartburn after him?¡¯ Armwrestle snorted. ¡®Dude killed the entire limb tribe, ran to Earth, then turned the first human he saw into his vampire minion. If that¡¯s not enough reason to send a Vindicator after him then I don¡¯t know what is.¡¯ ¡®Hey, don¡¯t be like that,¡¯ said Elbowgrease, who had snuck up behind them. ¡®You liked being my minion, didn¡¯t you?¡¯ Armwrestle crossed her arms. ¡®I spent the entire Bronze Age trying to escape from you, so no.¡¯ Elbowgrease shrugged. ¡®Whatever, nerd. I¡¯m gonna go back and hang out with my giant friend.¡¯ The Apocalypse Man was sweating nervously. Heartburn gave a sharp exhale, then said, ¡®There may be bad blood between us, but we all share a common enemy. Bodacious Barry.¡¯If you spot this narrative on Amazon, know that it has been stolen. Report the violation. ¡®Who?¡¯ asked Elbowgrease. Heartburn ignored him. ¡®And the first step to defeating Barry is to escape this cell. For that, I have a plan.¡¯ Legcramp raised a hand. ¡®Is it to punch our way out?¡¯ Heartburn blinked. ¡®That is an oversimplification but¡­ yes. We will punch our way out.¡¯ ¡®Hey, you guys gonna try and escape?¡¯ Fireman asked. The vampires jumped. Fireman had a habit of appearing out of nowhere. ¡®Well, sorry to burst your collective bubbles,¡¯ he said, ¡®but there¡¯s been a schedule change. You¡¯re all being executed right now. Congratulations!¡¯ ¡®I want a lawyer,¡¯ said Heartburn. ¡®Helios has a law degree, and he says you¡¯re all guilty,¡¯ Fireman said. ¡®Sorry.¡¯ Several other plasma people popped out of thin air, appearing behind each prisoner. ¡®Now, if you¡¯ll come with us¡­¡¯ Fireman said. ¡®Everyone! The plan!¡¯ Heartburn shouted. Legcramp punched the ground. The spherical prison instantly split in two. ¡®Oh no!¡¯ shouted Fireman. ¡®They¡¯re doing the thing we should have logically expected them to do! GET THEM!¡¯ As it turned out, the massive spherical prison was helpfully located on the very outer hull of the plasma people¡¯s flagship. On a rush of escaping air, the vampires (and Apocalypse Man) shot out into the vacuum below, or above depending on how they were aligned with the ecliptic plane. They tumbled head over heels, catching glimpses of the entire fleet mobilizing to seize them. By shooting out small jets of blood, Legcramp managed to steady himself. His eyes widened as he saw what lay below them. The smooth, cream coloured ball growing rapidly closer could only be one planet. Venus. It seemed they had broken out at quite the opportune time. Once the others had steadied themselves, Heartburn pointed at Venus and said something that might¡¯ve been GO DOWN. Legcramp couldn¡¯t tell exactly, as sound obviously could not transmit in space. ¡®SURRENDER NOW AND WE¡¯LL GIVE YOU EACH A BACKRUB BEFORE YOUR EXECUTIONS!¡¯ the speakers on the plasma people¡¯s flagship blared. Legcramp aimed his head at Venus, then forced a powerful jet of blood out the soles of his feet, rocketing himself forward. The other vampires had the same idea, and the Apocalypse Man had somehow figured out how to paddle through the fabric of space-time with his crazy sword. They shot towards the planet at a speed comparable to the fastest human spaceships. ¡®ARE YOU SURRENDERING?¡¯ asked the speakers. ¡®IT¡¯S KINDA DIFFICULT TO TELL FROM HERE. RAISE¡­ RAISE YOUR LEFT HANDS IF YOU¡¯RE SURRENDERING.¡¯ No one raised their hands. ¡®IS¡­ IS THAT A NO? CAN YOU HEAR ME? IS THIS THING ON?¡¯ Venus was quickly approaching. Soon, Legcramp would see his ancestral homeland for the first time. They entered the planet¡¯s outer atmosphere and lost sight of each other in the thick fog. It was warm, and a little bit burny. Soon enough, however, the clouds gave way to reveal... even more clouds. These ones were even hotter and burnier. It wasn¡¯t until he was almost about to hit it did Legcramp see the planet''s rocky, beaten surface for the first time. He was underwhelmed, to say the least. It was much hotter than he had been led to believe, and he could feel all the Earth bacteria riding on him shrivelling up. Then, instead of hitting the ground like he had expected, Legcramp flew headfirst into a giant crack in the side of a mountain. Darkness engulfed him for a time, and then he hit water.
The other vampires (and Apocalypse Man) splashed down beside Legcramp shortly afterward. They were in an expansive underground lake, lit only by a spotlight from a modest stone temple some ways away. ¡®They¡¯ll be coming for us,¡¯ said Heartburn. ¡®We should make base at that temple and devise a plan of escape.¡¯ The others had no objections. After waiting for their bones to unshatter from impacting the water at supersonic speeds, they swam to the rocky shore the temple sat on. As they climbed onto the small jetty beside it, a thundering boom echoed overhead. The ground rumbled violently and great rocks began to fall from the ceiling high above. ¡®GET INSIDE!¡¯ roared Heartburn. Wasting no time, they hopped up the slippery rocks, dashed through the temple¡¯s busted door, then froze just in the doorframe. Inside were two vampires Legcramp didn¡¯t recognize, and, to his astonishment, Neckbrace and Skeleton. ¡®Uhhhh¡­¡¯ said Legcramp. ¡®Uhhhh¡­¡¯ said Neckbrace. Heartburn seemed even more shocked. He turned to the others with wide, bloodshot eyes, a manic grin on his face. ¡®Oh¡­¡¯ he squeaked. ¡®What luck.¡¯ CHAPTER THIRTY-SIX - THE ILLOGICAL INCONCLUSION Everyone was very confused, and Neckbrace was no exception. There she was, minding her own business, watching her son/thrall fight a super vampire created by an immortal Greek philosopher, and all of a sudden Legcramp, Armwrestle, two vampires she didn¡¯t recognize, and a naked man with charred skin had burst into the temple. One of the vampires she hadn¡¯t seen before (he was slender with neatly combed hair) looked like he was having a stroke. The other unfamiliar one (who was bearded and disheveled) was downing a beer, which struck Neckbrace as strange, considering vampires couldn¡¯t get drunk. ¡®Hi... everyone,¡¯ said Neckbrace, giving an awkward wave. ¡®G¡¯day,¡¯ said Brainstem. ¡®SILENCE!¡¯ roared the slender vampire. ¡®DO YOU NOT RECOGNIZE YOUR ARCH FOE WHEN HE STANDS BEFORE YOU, BODACIOUS BARRY?¡¯ Brainstem raised a finger. ¡®Aight, first of all, it¡¯s Bodacious Brainstem now, and second of all, who are you?¡¯ ¡®I. AM. HEARTBURN,¡¯ the slender forced out through shaking rage. ¡®Oh!¡¯ Neckbrace said, lighting up in realization. ¡®This is the guy you have dirt on!¡¯ ¡®Aaaah,¡¯ Brainstem said, nodding. ¡®That¡¯s right.¡¯ ¡®SILENCE!¡¯ Heartburn screamed again. ¡®SO, BAR- I MEAN BRAINSTEM, I NOW SEE YOU CAME TO VENUS TO BECOME A VAMPIRE! A PLAN AS CUNNING AND UNDERHANDED AS YOU ARE!¡¯ ¡®Nah, that just kinda happened,¡¯ Brainstem said with a shrug. ''I came here for a new ship. Still haven''t got it.'' Legcramp butted in. ¡®Hold on,¡¯ he said. ¡®I have multiple questions.¡¯ ¡®Uh, shoot,¡¯ said Neckbrace, who was still weirded out by the disparity between Legcramp¡¯s appearance and age. ¡®This is the evilest person in the Solar System?¡¯ Legcramp asked Heartburn, gesturing to Brainstem. ¡®YES!¡¯ Heartburn screeched back. ¡®HAVE YOU NOT BEEN LISTENING TO MY PASSIONATE SPEECHES?¡¯ Bonemarrow chuckled. ¡®I see this Bodacious Bonobo has more enemies than just yours truly. AS EXPECTED.¡¯ ¡®Question two.'' Legcramp gestured to Bonemarrow. ¡®Who¡¯s that guy?¡¯ ¡®Dunno,¡¯ said Brainstem. ¡®Never seen him before.¡¯ ¡®LIAR!¡¯ Bonemarrow shouted. ¡®YES!¡¯ Heartburn agreed. ''LIAR!'' ¡®Okay,¡¯ Legcramp continued, taking a deep breath. ¡®Question three¡­¡¯ ¡®I DON¡¯T HAVE TIME FOR THIS!¡¯ Heartburn squawked, rushing forward and elbowing Brainstem in the throat. Chaos erupted. Neckbrace jumped onto Heartburn¡¯s back, trying to pry his fingers out of Brainstem¡¯s eye sockets. Bonemarrow attempted to get between Heartburn and his prey, screaming, ¡®HE¡¯S MINE! HE¡¯S MINE!¡¯ Armwrestle shrugged and decided to join the fray for the heck of it. Bonemarrow tore Heartburn in half and threw the vampire¡¯s severed legs at Legcramp, who grabbed them and threw them back like javelins. Armwrestle kicked Brainstem in the spine, briefly paralyzing his lower half. Heartburn quickly grew his lower body back and tore the flesh off his own chest, revealing an array of gnawing, gnashing ribs, like the mouth of some horrifying beast. Armwrestle tried to force Brainstem¡¯s head into Heartburn¡¯s meat grinder ribcage, but Brainstem quickly snapped his neck back to avoid it. Batting the legs out of the way, Bonemarrow leaped forward and grabbed Legcramp by the neck. Using him as a club, Bonemarrow swung Legcramp into Heartburn, knocking him out of the way, then kneed Brainstem in the jaw hard enough to pop his entire head off, which splattered against the crumbling temple ceiling. The headless Brainstem then wondered directly into the flying fist of the alcoholic vampire, who laughed and said, ¡®I don¡¯t know who any of you friggin¡¯ people are!¡¯ Neckbrace clapped her hands onto the alcoholic vampire¡¯s hand, squishing it into a red pancake, then dropkicked his body across the temple. Before she could turn around, Heartburn grabbed her from behind and suplexed her into Brainstem¡¯s body. Neckbrace jumped to her feet, only to be head-butted by the rock-hard skull of Bonemarrow. Things got worse. Blood, guts and bones flew left, right and centre. Thunderous shockwaves shook the air with every titanic blow. The temple collapsed around them as the seven vampires¡¯ battle devolved into an all-out free-for-all, bloodlust and adrenaline obscuring the line between ally and foe. The naked charred guy had gone to sit and chat with Plato, but Neckbrace was too engaged in the fight to pay attention to their conversation. Then, the cave¡¯s entire ceiling collapsed, revealing Venus¡¯ sky above them, partially obscured by a fleet of sleek, orange and red spaceships.Stolen from its rightful author, this tale is not meant to be on Amazon; report any sightings. ¡®VAMPIRES!¡¯ the flagship announced. ¡®GIVE YOURSELVES UP OR FACE THE WRATH OF THE ORDER!¡¯ The vampires stopped fighting. Once Neckbrace had regenerated her internal organs, she shouted back, ¡®THE SATANIC ORDER?¡¯ ¡®NO, THE OTHER ONE,¡¯ the flagship announcer said. ¡®THE ORDER OF SOLAR DEITIES. WE¡¯VE BEEN MEANING TO CHANGE THE NAME. ANYWAY, ARE YOU SURRENDERING? HELLO? CAN YOU HEAR ME? ARE YOU SURRENDERING?¡¯ Neckbrace turned to Legcramp and Armwrestle. ¡®What have you idiots gotten yourselves into?¡¯ she asked. The pair shrugged apologetically. Neckbrace groaned and rubbed her eyes. She just wanted to go jump into some Muspelheim volcano already and be done with it. ¡®How did you find me anyway?¡¯ she asked. ¡®Why did you find me? I thought I ended things pretty definitively.¡¯ ¡®We weren¡¯t trying to find you,¡¯ Armwrestle said, her dislike of Neckbrace still strong. ¡®We just happened to run into you. Trust me, I don¡¯t like it any more than you do.¡¯ ¡®You expect me to believe that?¡¯ Neckbrace said. ¡®That out of all the holes to fall into in this stupid Solar System, you just happened to fall into the same one as me? Don¡¯t you realize how ridiculously contrived that sounds?¡¯ ¡®It¡¯s what happened,¡¯ said Legcramp. ¡®Guess we were just unlucky.¡¯ ¡®REPENT!¡¯ Heartburn roared, punching Brainstem in the face. Unlike the others, he hadn¡¯t stopped fighting. ¡®Come on, Burns,¡¯ Armwrestle said. ¡®Timeout.¡¯ ¡®I WILL NEVER CEASE MY BATTLE AGAINST EVIL!¡¯ Heartburn retorted, grabbing Brainstem in a headlock. ¡®I think she¡¯s got a point, mate. How bout we talk this out, yeah?¡¯ Brainstem coughed. The flagship announcer piped up again. ¡®HEY, UH, IF YOU GUYS DON¡¯T SURRENDER SOON, WE¡¯RE GONNA HAVE TO SHOOT SOME ANTI-VAMPIRE MISSILES AT YOU. CAN¡­ CAN YOU JUST TELL ME IF YOU CAN HEAR ME? I¡¯M NOT REALLY GETTING A LOT OF FEEDBACK HERE.¡¯ Brainstem grunted in annoyance as he tried to force his way out of Heartburn¡¯s grip. ¡®Mate, seriously. If you don¡¯t let me out, I¡¯m gonna haveta release that picture.¡¯ Heartburn inhaled sharply and let Brainstem go. He backed away slowly, his eyes wide with fear. ¡®You wouldn¡¯t¡­¡¯ he muttered. Bonemarrow stepped forward, tapping Heartburn on the shoulder and whispering, ¡®We both hate this Bodacious Brickhead for our own reasons. If we team up, we can¡­¡¯ ¡®No,¡¯ said Heartburn, his manic rage solidifying to a steely resolve. ¡®He is too strong. It¡¯s time for my ultimate plan.¡¯ ¡®You joking?¡¯ Brainstem said. ¡®You¡¯re ten times stronger than me, mate. You¡¯re just too embarrassed by that dumb pict¡ª¡® Heartburn quickly shushed him, then continued. ¡®You are all familiar with my organization, the SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSFSSSSSSSSSSSS?¡¯ ¡®Pretty sure that acronym¡¯s been butchered to hell, but sure,¡¯ said Legcramp Heartburn scoffed. ¡®Quite the contrary. SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSFSSSSSSSSS is not butchered at all. It is the organization¡¯s true name. Other versions are mere¡­ localizations. You see, it is not an acronym, but a phrase. Translated into English, it means Reptilian Bomb Squad.¡¯ Plato, who had been passively watching this whole affair, suddenly stood up. ¡®Oh no,¡¯ he said. ¡®I don¡¯t like where this is going.¡¯ ¡®The prospective Wizard Bomb Squad was merely a test,¡¯ Heartburn continued. ¡®Wizards are not nearly powerful for my true plan, and when Agent 3 hired vampires instead, I knew that it would only be a matter of time until I had to turn to the real plan.¡¯ ¡®I¡¯m ninety percent you¡¯re just making all this up as you go along,¡¯ Neckbrace said. Heartburn kept going. ¡®AND NOW, that time has come.¡¯ ¡®Oh no no no,¡¯ Plato said, stepping forward. ¡®This is a very bad idea. The Reptilians are¡ª¡® ¡®Did I ask for your opinion?¡¯ Heartburn said. ¡®OKAY, SINCE YOU GUYS SEEM TO JUST BE IGNORING US, WE¡¯RE GONNA LAUNCH THE MISSILES NOW,¡¯ said the flagship¡¯s loudspeaker. Heartburn smiled and snapped his fingers. The missiles launched with a sky-cracking boom, but they did not hit. Holding onto each missile, stopping it from impacting the ground, were a dozen scaly lizard men wearing futuristic-looking spacesuits. Reptilians. ¡®SSSFFSSSSSSSSSSSFFSSSSSSSSSSSSSSFFSSSSSS,¡¯ hissed one. ¡®Yes, excellent work,¡¯ Heartburn applauded. ¡®Add them to the bomb.¡¯ The Reptilians, along with the missiles, popped out of the existence. A few seconds later, they appeared again, but the missiles were gone. ¡®Originally, the plan was to disable Brainstem¡¯s defenses then blow up the Sun, ensuring he freeze to death,¡¯ Heartburn continued, unaware of how much his exposition was boring everyone. ¡®But the problem with that plan is that Brainstem could merely travel to a different star, and live out his disgusting life in its warmth. Luckily, my interdimensional friends here have an excellent understanding of the fabric of reality. With enough explosive matter, they can trigger a massive chain reaction, splitting every atom in the Universe and exploding existence itself, thus ensuring that there will be nowhere for Bodacious Brainstem to run to. It¡¯s a flawless plan if I do say so myself.¡¯ Everyone was silent. Awkwardly so. ¡®EXCUSE ME, WHAT?¡¯ said the flagship¡¯s loudspeaker. CHAPTER THIRTY-SEVEN - SHEER HEART ATTACK ¡®Can I offer some constructive criticism?¡¯ Plato asked. Heartburn turned to him, a manic glint in his eyes. ¡®Of course.¡¯ ¡®Your idea sucks.¡¯ Heartburn smiled. ¡®Your criticism has been noted.¡¯ ¡®See, this is the problem with creating a self-replicating army of obscenely overpowered psychopaths, man,¡¯ Plato said. ¡®Sooner or later one¡¯s gonna try and destroy the Universe. And now here you are, trying to destroy the Universe.¡¯ ¡®Are you done?¡¯ Heartburn asked. ¡®Are you finished?¡¯ Ten massive metal spheres impacted the ground around them, and from each one poured legions of armed plasma people, who surrounded the vampires, weapons at the ready. ¡®YOU ARE ALL UNDER ARREST!¡¯ one, presumably the commander, shouted. A reptilian folded into existence besides Heartburn and hissed something in his ear. Heartburn raised his well-groomed eyebrows. ¡®It seems the Bomb has been completed. Now all that''s left is to charge it. How exciting.'' ¡®STOP IGNORING US!¡¯ the plasma commander shouted. ¡®Sorry, we¡¯ll be with you in a second,¡¯ Armwrestle said. ¡®Listen, Heartburn,¡¯ said Captain Bonemarrow. ¡®I despise that Bodacious Bigmouth as much as you, but I believe your plan may be a little¡­¡¯ Heartburn looked upon the super vampire with disdain. ¡®If you did hate Brainstem as much as I, you would see that any approach less extreme would be insufficient.¡¯ Legcramp decided to step in. ¡®Listen, I destroyed Earth in every timeline¡­¡¯ ¡®You did what?¡¯ said Armwrestle. ¡®¡­ And I can tell you that it wasn¡¯t worth it,¡¯ Legcramp finished. ¡®If you¡¯re trying to persuade me to change my mind, you aren¡¯t doing a very good job,¡¯ Heartburn said. Neckbrace walked over to Plato and leaned in close to say, ¡®Hey, get me out of Midgard ASAP and I¡¯ll make it worth your while.¡¯ Plato raised a skeletal hand. ¡®No can do. This is a vampire issue. You¡¯re a vampire. Help fix it. Besides, you¡¯re broke.¡¯ Neckbrace grumbled some obscenity, then turned to Heartburn. ¡®Skeleton wizard says I gotta kill you.¡¯ ¡®Okay,¡¯ said Heartburn. ¡®Fair enough.¡¯ ¡®Armwrestle?¡¯ Legcramp asked. ¡®Yeah, I¡¯ll fight him,¡¯ said Armwrestle. ¡®Uh, I¡¯m going to fight him too,¡¯ said Bonemarrow meekly. ¡®I like the Universe.¡¯ ¡®Oi, put me down for the tussle, too,¡¯ Brainstem said. ¡®Okay so that¡¯s¡ª¡® Armwrestle began. ¡®YOU¡¯RE UNDER ARREST!¡¯ the commander shouted again. ¡®STOP TALKING!¡¯ Armwrestle ignored him and continued. ¡®Okay, so that¡¯s Legcramp, Neckbrace, Bonemarrow, and Brainstem for fighting him. Apocalypse Man?¡¯ ¡®Actually,¡¯ said the Apocalypse Man, taking a seat on a pile of rubble. ¡®Seeing Midgard get blown to smithereens is in my best interests, so I¡¯ll sit this one out.¡¯ Armwrestle nodded. ¡®Fair enough. Dad?¡¯ ¡®Yeah, I¡¯m gonna betray you now,¡¯ said Elbowgrease.You could be reading stolen content. Head to the original site for the genuine story. Armwrestle blinked. ¡®Wait, what?¡¯ Before she could react, Elbowgrease shot forward and elbowed her with his greasy elbow. ¡®PREPARE TO FIRE!¡¯ the commander ordered. The plasma people readied their plasma rifles. ¡®THREE!¡¯ Armwrestle shoved Elbowgrease back into Heartburn, who smacked him out of the way. ¡®TWO!¡¯ ¡®Are we doing this?¡¯ asked Legcramp. ¡®Is this happening?¡¯ ¡®ONE!¡¯ Bonemarrow uppercutted Heartburn into the flagship high above, then jumped after him. The rest of the vampires followed just in time to dodge the plasma firing squad. Heartburn had been launched through half the flagship¡¯s decks, leaving him entangled in twisted metal near the reactor. Neckbrace reached him first, her fist impacting against his jaw hard enough to smash him the rest of the way through the ship and into Venus¡¯ orbit. The reactor overloaded, then exploded, launching the rest of the vampires into space on its shockwave. As they exited the thick atmosphere, Armwrestle was the first to spot Heartburn. She extended her arms a hundred times their normal length, grabbed onto Heartburn¡¯s ankles, then swung him in a wide arc into the nearest orbital angel. The angel jumped in fright, then impaled Heartburn with her angelic spear in retaliation. Armwrestle retracted her arms, dragging Heartburn close, and head-butted him hard enough to temporarily liquefy his skull. Heartburn roared with anger, pulling the spear from his chest and attempting to decapitate Armwrestle with it. Armwrestle dodged backward, leaving room for Legcramp to fly in and tackle Heartburn away. They fell back into the atmosphere, becoming streaks of fire in the yellow sky. Legcramp punched Heartburn. Heartburn punched Legcramp. They impacted the ground. Brainstem followed soon after, landing directly on Heartburn¡¯s head. Heartburn, headless, jumped up and sprinted at a measurable fraction of the speed of light to the nearest mountain range. He ripped a mountain out of the ground and threw it at the quickly approaching Bonemarrow, who dodged it with ease. From a kilometer away, Bonemarrow launched into a dropkick. Less than a second later, his feet hit Heartburn¡¯s stomach, causing it to explode with the force of a planetary collision. Heartburn, his head now reformed, shrugged off the pain and grabbed Bonemarrow by the throat. Legcramp, who had burrowed underground, popped up behind Heartburn and karate chopped him in the neck. Grunting in frustration, Heartburn let go of Bonemarrow and keeled over. From the sky, Neckbrace dropped out of nowhere, landing on Heartburn in much the same way as Brainstem had. Not giving her foe a chance to recuperate, Neckbrace quickly adjusted the molecules of her right hand to become gunpowder. With her gunpowder hand, she grabbed onto Heartburn¡¯s face, then raised her body heat enough to ignite it. The blast put him out of commission for a solid few seconds. Before Heartburn¡¯s smoldering head could reform, Armwrestle showed up with both her arms transformed into angry rhinoceroses. She unleashed them both upon Heartburn, but he quickly dispatched them with ease. However, the rhinos were only a distraction. Legcramp had gotten a combat idea from the Omega Timeline, and he had just gotten the window to execute it. Now having transformed into a bat, Legcramp plastered his leathery wings over Heartburn¡¯s eyes, blinding him. This would not slow Heartburn down, however, as he quickly created a new pair of eyes on the back of his head. Heartburn tried to take a step forward, but tripped over, as Brainstem had tied his shoelaces together. Neckbrace quickly stomped Heartburn¡¯s body in half, then picked up his legs and threw them as far away as she could. ¡®YOU FOOLS CANNOT STOP THE REPTILIAN BOMB SQUAD!¡¯ Heartburn squawked. Out of thin air, five reptilian warriors appeared, wearing armored spacesuits and wielding sick katanas. ¡®SSSSSSSSSFSSSSSSSSSFSFSSSSSSSFFFFFSSSSSS!¡¯ one of them hissed, pointing at Brainstem. ¡®Yes, precisely!¡¯ Heartburn cried. ¡®He is the enemy!¡¯ ¡®SSSSSSSSFFFSSSSSSSSSSFSFSS?¡¯ the reptilian asked. ¡®He is too strong to kill with conventional weapons!¡¯ Heartburn explained, still trying to tear Legcramp off of his original eyes. ¡®That is why we must use the Bomb!¡¯ The reptilian stepped forward and chopped Brainstem in half with its sword. It turned to Heartburn and cocked its head expectantly. ¡®That must have been a decoy Brainstem,¡¯ Heartburn said. ¡®Ow,¡¯ said the very real Brainstem. ¡®SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSFSSSSSSSSSSSSSSFFFFFFFFSSSSSSSSSSS,¡¯ the reptilian hissed angrily. ¡®Oh come on,¡¯ Heartburn pleaded. ¡®Wouldn¡¯t you like to see this Universe destroyed anyway?¡¯ The reptilian looked thoughtful. ¡®SSSSSSSSSS¡­¡¯ ¡®Yes!¡¯ Heartburn cried. ¡®Exactly! So just set off the Bomb once it¡¯s ready!¡¯ The reptilian nodded. ¡®SSSFSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSF.¡¯ The reptilians then unceremoniously popped back to whatever dimension they came from. Heartburn immediately returned to trying to tear Legcramp off his face. Before he could manage it, however, the sky above them cracked open, revealing a gorgeous rainbow light. From the light came a dozen warriors wearing intricately carved armor. On large feathered wings, the Valkyries flew down to greet the vampires. ¡®G¡¯day Kim!¡¯ said Brainstem to one of them. ¡®Odin wants you idiots to quit it,¡¯ said the Valkyrie apparently named Kim. ¡®Especially the one called Heartburn. The folks up in Asgard don¡¯t like the idea of Midgard going bye-bye very much.¡¯ ¡®How does Odin even know what we¡¯re doing?¡¯ Neckbrace asked. Kim gestured to a nearby tree. In the branches, two ravens were perched. ¡®Ah,¡¯ said Neckbrace. ¡®Right.¡¯ Heartburn cackled. ¡®Once I¡¯ve destroyed Midgard, I¡¯ll go after the other realms, too! Every plain of existence, every afterlife, I WILL DESTROY THEM ALL!¡¯ ¡®Please don¡¯t,¡¯ said Kim. Heartburn tore Legcramp off his eyes, then jumped up and punched Kim in the face. CHAPTER THIRTY-EIGHT - RIDE OF THE VALKYRIES Sk?gul-But-Her-Friends-Call-Her-Kim¡¯s helmet cracked open against the force of Heartburn¡¯s fist, revealing an unbrushed mop of blonde hair. She tumbled backward, just managing to stabilize in mid-air before hitting the ground. ¡®VALKYRIES!¡¯ she roared, ¡®SMITE THIS FOOL!¡¯ ¡®Which one?¡¯ one of the Valkyries asked. ¡®THE ONE THAT JUST PUNCHED¡ª¡® Heartburn shot forward and planted a heel in Kim¡¯s face, driving her into the superheated soil. ¡®I think she means that one,¡¯ another Valkyrie said. The Valkyries flew after Heartburn, who was busy waterboarding Kim in a river of hydrochloric acid. ¡®Should we¡­ help them?¡¯ Legcramp asked. ¡®Nah, I¡¯m beat,¡¯ Armwrestle said. ¡®Anyone want a bite?¡¯ asked Brainstem as he roasted one of Odin¡¯s ravens over a fire. ¡®I¡¯m good,¡¯ said Neckbrace. A voice cried out in the distance, barely audible over the chanting of the Valkyries. ¡®BAAAAZZZAA!¡¯ it screamed. The vampires turned to see Brainstem¡¯s crewmembers, Damo and Jim, sprinting towards them in a manic rush. The pair skidded to a halt by Brainstem¡¯s barbeque, huffing and puffing. ¡®Bazza!¡¯ Damo cried. ¡®We¡¯ve been lookin¡¯ for ya ever since you jumped in that hole!¡¯ ¡®Nah, mate,¡¯ Brainstem said. ¡®Name¡¯s Brainstem now. Gonna file the legal paperwork tomorrow.¡¯ ¡®Sick as, Stemmo,¡¯ Damo said. ¡®Hey, can I have a bite of that chicken?¡¯ ¡®Sure thing, mate,¡¯ Brainstem said, offering a leg of raven. ¡®Ay, bee-tee-dubs, you should meet me mate Bonemarrow. Stellar bloke.¡¯ ¡®We may be temporarily allied against a greater threat,¡¯ Bonemarrow said. ¡®But I am not your friend, you Bodacious Biledrinker.¡¯ ¡®I¡¯ve been wonderin¡¯,¡¯ Brainstem said in between bites of meat. ¡®Why do ya hate me anyway?¡¯ Bonemarrow scoffed. ¡®Of course you wouldn¡¯t remember. I wouldn¡¯t expect anything less from the likes of you.¡¯ ¡®Remember what?¡¯ Brainstem asked. ¡®Your birthday? If I forgot that, I¡¯m real sorry. I can¡¯t even remember me own birthday.¡¯ ¡®NO, YOU BODACIOUS BLOWFLY! PHOBOS!¡¯ Brainstem tilted his head. ¡®Eh?¡¯ ¡®THE MASSACRE OF PHOBOS!¡¯ Bonemarrow cried. ¡®The Massacre of who now?¡¯ Brainstem asked. Bonemarrow drew a deep, shuddering breath. ¡®You and your merry men, paid off by the Martian empire, slaughtered every human on Phobos, including my family. Do you remember now, Bodacious Bumkin? Do you REMEMBER THEIR SCREAMS?¡¯ Brainstem¡¯s eyebrows raised in realization. ¡®Oooh, yeah nah. That was me Kiwi counterpart, Bodacious Billy. I did the Deimos Massacre.¡¯Unauthorized content usage: if you discover this narrative on Amazon, report the violation. Bonemarrow blinked. ¡®I¡­ had the wrong guy?¡¯ Brainstem shrugged. Bonemarrow burst into tears and gave Brainstem a big hug. ¡®I¡¯M SORRY FOR ALL I DID TO YOU, YOU BODACIOUS¡ª¡® Then he died. Before anyone could react, a small Bifrost crack opened up and Plato, followed by the Apocalypse Man, stepped through. ¡®I almost forgot,¡¯ said Plato with an apologetic laugh. ¡®Super vampires have a crazy short lifespan, so be ready for Bonemarrow to drop dead any minute now.¡¯ His eyes fell on Bonemarrow¡¯s lifeless body. ¡®Well, there ya go.¡¯ ¡®Where¡¯s my dad?¡¯ asked Armwrestle. ¡®He was freaking us out so we left him in the hole,¡¯ the Apocalypse Man explained. ¡®Understandable,¡¯ Armwrestle said. As Brainstem began roasting Bonemarrow¡¯s body on the fire, the Apocalypse Man looked around in confusion. ¡®Hey, where¡¯s Heartburn?¡¯ he asked. ¡®Did you guys beat him already?¡¯ Neckbrace pointed at a cloud of dust in the distance. ¡®He¡¯s over there somewhere, fighting Valkyries. We¡¯re just taking a break.¡¯ ¡®Excuse me?¡¯ the Apocalypse Man said incredulously. ¡®Fighting what?¡¯ With impeccable timing, Sk?gul-But-Her-Friends-Call-Her-Kim, catapulted by a Heartburn uppercut, dropped from the sky and landed at the Apocalypse Man¡¯s feet. The Apocalypse Man gave a long, croaking gasp. Kim gave a long, croaking gasp. ¡®SURTR?¡¯ she cried. ¡®IT¡¯S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE!¡¯ the Apocalypse Man, or rather Surtr, responded, waving his arms about wildly. Kim rose to her feet with the help of her wings. ¡®Why are you here?¡¯ she asked. ¡®How¡¯d you get out of Muspelheim? WHY ARE YOU NAKED?¡¯ Surtr seemed to be hyperventilating. ¡®I¡­ I can explain!¡¯ Kim whipped out a flip phone. ¡®I¡¯m calling Thor,¡¯ she said, punching in a number. ¡®BY YMIR¡¯S KIDNEYS, WAIT!¡¯ Surtr cried. ¡®I didn¡¯t mean to come to Midgard! I made some bad deals, that¡¯s all! Don¡¯t call Thor!¡¯ Kim¡¯s thumb was hovering over the call button. ¡®Deals? With who?¡¯ Surtr mumbled something. ¡®I didn¡¯t catch that,¡¯ Kim said. Surtr mumbled something. ¡®Huh?¡¯ ¡®¡­AG...¡¯ Surtr finally vocalized. ¡®YOU MADE A DEAL WITH THE BIG AG?¡¯ Kim roared. She pressed the call button and held the phone to her ear. After fifteen seconds she flipped the phone shut without saying a word. ¡®What¡­ what did he say?¡¯ Surtr asked. ¡®It went to voicemail,¡¯ Kim said. ¡®But that¡¯s fine. I can do this all by¡ª¡® Heartburn jumped out of nowhere and piledrived Kim into the dirt. Finishing off the last bite of Bonemarrow¡¯s right leg, Brainstem stood up, stretched, and said, ¡®I guess me break¡¯s over.¡¯ Kim quickly recovered, drawing her sword as the others Valkyries flew over to join the fight. ¡®Hey, if you get me to Muspelheim, I¡¯ll make it worth your while,¡¯ Surtr said to Plato. Plato snorted. ¡®No dice, giant.¡¯ Neckbrace, Legcramp, Armwrestle, and Brainstem joined the fight. Heartburn was strong, but even he couldn¡¯t stand up to the might of four vampires and a dozen Valkyries. In a furious rush of blades and blood, untraceable to the naked eye, Heartburn began to weaken. Vampires could heal through virtually any wound, but under such a raging assault Heartburn didn¡¯t have even a millisecond to spare. His lungs flew in one direction. His intestines in another. His pelvis was pulverized, his ribcage ruptured. Neckbrace curb stomped his head hard enough for his fangs to gain sentience, evolve legs, and run away. With battered vocal cords, Heartburn screamed, ¡®YOU¡­¡¯ a Valkyrie stabbed him in the eye, ¡®¡­FOOLS¡­¡¯ Neckbrace tore his spine out, ¡®¡­CANNOT¡­¡¯ Legcramp ate his kneecaps, ¡®¡­DEFEAT¡­¡¯ Brainstem tickled his armpits, ¡®¡­ME!¡¯ From their stupid dimension, the Reptilian Bomb Squad appeared and tackled Heartburn¡¯s attackers. The one strangling Neckbrace turned to Heartburn and hissed, ¡®SSSSSSFFFFFFSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSFSSSSSSSSSSSSSSFSFFFFFFFFF!¡¯ Heartburn gave a maniacal cackle in response. ¡®THE BOMB IS READY!¡¯ he cried. Neckbrace punched her reptilian attacker with a force too great to be described in an analogy, but it did nothing. The reptilians were unreasonably powerful. ¡®HE¡¯S COMING!¡¯ Heartburn roared, and in response, a deep, booming, rumbling roar echoed across the Solar System. Venus¡¯ atmosphere split open, revealing the star-studded space above. Quickly approaching from the edge of the System was an incomprehensibly massive, looming shadow. The reptilians stopped fighting and quickly dropped to their knees in reverence as the shape approached. It was the progenitor of their species, after all. Kim stared at the thing. She seemed just about ready to give up on life. ¡®I still can¡¯t believe that is Loki¡¯s son,¡¯ she said. J?rmungandr, the Midgard Serpent, as long as the circumference of the Solar System, approached Venus, its many-layered jaws outstretched. ¡®BEHOLD!¡¯ Heartburn exclaimed. ¡®MY BOMB!¡¯ ¡®You¡­ you turned the Midgard Serpent into a nuclear bomb?¡¯ Surtr said with a tinge of admiration. ¡®YOU DID WHAT?¡¯ rumbled J?rmungandr. Then he exploded, and so did the Universe. CHAPTER THIRTY-NINE - HOW LEGCRAMP LEARNED TO STOP WORRYING AND LOVE THE BOMB Legcramp regained consciousness with a headache that only the complete annihilation of the Universe could have caused. He sat up and stared at the ashen mountains that surrounded him. The sky above was grey and muddy. ¡®Oh, hey,¡¯ said Armwrestle. Legcramp turned around to see his mother perched on a strange, twisted rock formation. Half buried in ash beside her were the seemingly still-unconscious bodies of Neckbrace and Brainstem. ¡®What happened?¡¯ Legcramp asked. Armwrestle shrugged. ¡®Universe blew up. No idea where we are now, but it¡¯s definitely not the Universe.¡¯ From out of the thick fog that surrounded them, Plato, Kim, and Surtr appeared. ¡®Told you they around here somewhere, man,¡¯ Plato said to Kim, who rolled her eyes in response. Neckbrace and Brainstem awoke, groaning in pain, as the three approached. ¡®So,¡¯ Plato said, clapping his skeleton hands together, ¡®Midgard¡¯s quantum toast.¡¯ ¡®Where are we, then?¡¯ Neckbrace asked. ¡®I managed to sneak you all through a Bifrost crack before you could get incinerated,¡¯ Plato explained. ¡®No need to thank me, but I do take cash. Anyway, welcome to Yggdrasil. Right now we¡¯re on the root that leads to¡­ used to lead to Midgard.¡¯ Kim took over. ¡®You all have a few options for how we proceed. You could live out the rest of your lives amongst the dishonorable dead in Helheim¡­¡¯ Armwrestle raised her hand. After a few seconds, she looked at the other vampires, who all had their hands firmly lowered. ¡®Seriously? Just me?¡¯ ¡®¡­OR,¡¯ Kim continued, ¡®you could all help me bring Midgard back.¡¯ ¡®Is that possible?¡¯ Neckbrace asked. ¡®Without some BS deus ex machina, I mean.¡¯ ¡®It¡¯s possible,¡¯ Kim said. ¡®That second part is debatable, but it is possible.¡¯ ¡®So, spill the beans, then,¡¯ Neckbrace said. Kim took a deep breath, then looked to Plato for help. Plato sighed a skeletal sigh and said, ¡®We need to blow up time.¡¯ ¡®Oh, of course,¡¯ Armwrestle said. ¡®Blow up time. How reasonable.¡¯ ¡®I don¡¯t appreciate your tone,¡¯ Plato said. ¡®Anyway, to be more specific, we need to blow up time-space. The existence of vampires is rooted there, so collapsing the entire dimension would therefore retroactively erase all vampires from existence. No vampires means no Heartburn, and no Heartburn means no giant snake bomb. Theoretically, at least.¡¯ ¡®I have multiple problems with this plan,¡¯ Armwrestle said. ¡®And I have multiple problems with your attitude,¡¯ Plato replied. ¡®Okay.¡¯ Armwrestle rubbed her temples. ¡®Let¡¯s pretend for a second that we¡¯re all totally okay with being erased from existence. If blowing up time-space stops us from ever existing, then how we will blow up time-space? It¡¯s a paradox.¡¯ Plato considered this for a moment. ¡®Think of time¡­ as like a plate of spaghetti.¡¯ ¡®I don¡¯t like where this analogy is going,¡¯ said Brainstem. ¡®¡­And the bomb that blows time up,¡¯ Plato continued, ¡®is a hungry toddler. Your actions in setting the bomb off are the sauce left on the toddler¡¯s cheeks once he¡¯s done eating. Makes sense?¡¯ ¡®No,¡¯ the vampires said. Plato sighed. ¡®OKAY. Time go boom. Things that made time go boom do not go boom because then time would not go boom.¡¯ His only feedback came in the form of blank stares. ¡®Listen, alright?¡¯ Plato said, exasperated. ¡®As long as you escape from the dimension before the bomb goes off, you¡¯ll still be able to exist. You just won¡¯t be vampires anymore. You¡¯ll still be alive, Midgard will be back to normal, and Odin won¡¯t add me to his collection of extremely intelligent severed heads. Don¡¯t worry about the fine print. Any more questions?¡¯Ensure your favorite authors get the support they deserve. Read this novel on Royal Road. Neckbrace raised her hand. ¡®How do we get to time-space to blow it up?¡¯ ¡®Finally a sensible question,¡¯ Plato said. ¡®Kim knows a person. She''ll handle it.¡¯ Neckbrace raised her hand again. ¡®How do we blow it up?¡¯ Plato took a deep breath. ¡®So. The only thing we have that¡¯s powerful enough to blow up space-time is... four vampires. Three of you need to pour your energy into one, who will then uh¡­ explode.¡¯ Neckbrace raised her hand again. ¡®Does the vampire that explodes die?¡¯ ¡®Yes,¡¯ Plato answered. ¡®I vote Brainstem as the bomb vampire,¡¯ Neckbrace said. ¡®I second that vote,¡¯ said Brainstem. Plato blinked (metaphorically). ¡®Really?¡¯ ¡®I¡¯m the hero of this story,¡¯ Brainstem explained. ¡®Only right for me to go out in a heroic sacrifice, yeah?¡¯ Neckbrace snorted. ¡®You¡¯ve barely done anything. On what grounds do you get to be the hero?¡¯ ¡®Oi! I was a major POV character!¡¯ ¡®No!¡¯ Neckbrace retorted. ¡®I was! You just stuck your name on all my chapters!¡¯ ¡®If we could all back off the fourth wall for a second, I¡¯d like to get going,¡¯ said Kim. ¡®Heartburn¡¯s probably survived, and if he has, then that means he¡¯s going for the other realms. If we all agree that Brainstem¡¯s the one that gets blown up, then let¡¯s get onto business.¡¯ Neckbrace raised her hand. ¡®Last question,¡¯ Plato said. ''It better be good.'' Neckbrace pointed at the charred j?tunn, Surtr, who was now wearing shorts. ¡®Why¡¯s he still here?¡¯ ¡®I¡¯ve convinced him to be our bodyguard,¡¯ Kim answered. ¡®As long as he makes sure the plan goes smoothly and then returns to Muspelheim afterwards, I won¡¯t tell Odin about his little Midgard adventure.¡¯ Surtr looked slightly embarrassed. ¡®Time¡¯s not gonna wait around for us to blow it up, so let¡¯s get moving,¡¯ said Plato. With a snap of his skeleton fingers, the ashen, stone-like bark beneath them shuddered open, revealing a rainbow vortex within. ¡®Vampires first,¡¯ he said.
The Bifrost spat them out at the base of Yggdrasil, where one of its colossal roots impacted the vast well of Urearbrunnr. The still waters seemed more like an ocean that a well. It was shrouded in mist, and the far shore was not visible over the cosmic horizon. The ground was smooth stone, etched with countless runes. Sitting on a carved stone bench by the edge of the well was an exceptionally tall woman. ¡®Sup, Skuld,¡¯ said Kim. ¡®Yo, Sk?gul,¡¯ said Skuld. ¡®Still a Valkyrie?¡¯ Kim nodded. ¡®Still a Valkyrie.¡¯ Skuld stood and stretched. ¡®So what¡¯s with the ensemble?¡¯ she asked, gesturing to Kim¡¯s companions. ¡®Planning an early Halloween party?¡¯ ¡®We need you to open a portal to time-space so that we can blow it up,¡¯ Kim said. Skuld nodded slowly. ¡®Uh huh.¡¯ ¡®Midgard was destroyed by vampires,¡¯ Plato explained. ¡®We need to stop vampires from ever existing to bring Midgard back.¡¯ Skuld shrugged. ¡®Good enough for me.¡¯ She snapped her fingers and a spherical portal popped into existence. Through it, Legcramp could see the familiar kaleidoscope of time-space. Skuld sat back down. ¡®You know, this is probably an abuse of my sacred Norn powers, so you owe me one, Sk?gul.¡¯ ¡®Whatever you want,¡¯ said Kim. ¡®Anyway, we gotta get moving.¡¯ ¡®Have you really thought this out?¡¯ Legcramp suddenly asked. ¡®I mean, is this really the best plan you could think of? Blow up time itself? Isn¡¯t there a genie or some dragon balls we can use to just wish Midgard back?¡¯ ¡®Legcramp, that¡¯s ridiculous,¡¯ Kim said. ¡®Now get in the portal so we can blow up time.¡¯ ¡®I just¡­¡¯ Legcramp said, taking a step back. ¡®I just feel like I¡¯ve blown up too much stuff, and every time I¡¯ve done it, it just makes things worse. It¡¯s like accelerating entropy or something.¡¯ ¡®Don¡¯t be an idiot,¡¯ said Neckbrace. ¡®Explosions are the only route to success. If you don¡¯t help us with this, we¡¯ll all be thrown in Helheim, whatever that means.¡¯ ¡®Yeah, man,¡¯ said Plato. ¡®You can save the character development for later.¡¯ ¡®I won¡¯t do it,¡¯ said Legcramp, digging his heels into the stone, which hurt a lot. ¡®You talk to him,¡¯ Neckbrace said to Armwrestle. ¡®You¡¯re his mother, apparently.¡¯ ¡®Didn¡¯t I tell you never to talk to me ever again?¡¯ Armwrestle said. ¡®That thing you said about whale milk still haunts me.¡¯ ¡®For Eye¡¯s sake, just talk to him, man,¡¯ Plato said. ¡®Heartburn could be here any second, and we don¡¯t have a dozen Valkyries this time.¡¯ Armwrestle sighed and turned to her son. ¡®Legcramp¡­¡¯ she said. ¡®I REGRET NOTHING!¡¯ Armwrestle turned and shot a spike of pressurized stomach acid at Skuld. The acid pierced the Norn''s skull, killing her instantly. The portal snapped closed. ¡®WHAT?¡¯ Plato cried. ¡®SERIOUSLY, MAN?¡¯ Armwrestle faced her fellow vampires. ¡®What kind of weak idiots are you people?¡¯ ¡®Oi, I¡¯ll have you know I have a PhD in space piracy,¡¯ said Brainstem. Armwrestle ignored him. ¡®You¡¯re willing to sacrifice your vampiric powers for the sake of one stupid universe? There¡¯s eight other realms, just SITTING THERE FOR THE TAKING! We¡¯re servants of Satan! We don¡¯t have to listen to these lesser¡ª¡® Surtr quickly drew his sword and slashed Armwrestle into subatomic slices, ending her existence. ¡®You could¡¯ve done that before she closed the portal,¡¯ Kim said. Surtr gave an apologetic shrug. Kim groaned and fell to her knees. ¡®Now we don¡¯t have access to time-space OR enough vampires to set off the bomb!¡¯ The Bifrost cracked open above them, and Heartburn, Elbowgrease, and an old wizardy-looking guy dropped out. ¡®SOCRATES!¡¯ Pluto cried. Heartburn landed and broke into disgustingly sarcastic applause. ¡®It seems Armwrestle died for a just cause. How noble of her. I must admit, I had an inkling that Brainstem would survive the serpent bomb. It seems those suspicions have now been confirmed, thanks to my friend here.¡¯ He gestured to the wizard, apparently named Socrates, who gave them all the middle finger. ¡®I¡¯ve changed my mind,¡¯ said Legcramp. ¡®Let¡¯s blow up time.¡¯ CHAPTER FORTY - VAMPIRE BOMB SQUAD ¡®I should have known you¡¯d partner up with that creep.¡¯ Plato spat at Socrates with a skeletal sneer. Socrates shrugged philosophically. ¡®Heartburn says he can get me the Philosopher¡¯s Stone, and I believe him.¡¯ ¡®Alright, fair point,¡¯ said Plato. ¡®What about you, man?¡¯ he asked, turning to Elbowgrease. ¡®You looking to loot some Asgardian beer?¡¯ ¡®Yeah, pretty much,¡¯ said Elbowgrease. ¡®I don¡¯t have much of an established character beyond being an alcoholic.¡¯ Heartburn clapped his hands. ¡®Right, then. Now that we¡¯ve established our motivations, let¡¯s get down to business, shall we?¡¯ Neckbrace snapped her fingers and resurrected Skuld as an undead thrall. ¡®Open the portal,¡¯ Neckbrace ordered. ¡®Not so fast,¡¯ Heartburn said, flicking his wrist at Elbowgrease. Elbowgrease shot forward and punched Skuld hard enough to break the atomic bonds holding her physical body together, re-killing her instantly. Neckbrace snapped her fingers again, bringing Skuld back once more. Elbowgrease clapped his hands, creating a thunderous shockwave that destroyed Skuld¡¯s re-reanimated body. ¡®Somebody keep that dude away or we can¡¯t get the portal back!¡¯ Neckbrace shouted. ¡®On it mum!¡¯ Brainstem said, charging forth and giving Elbowgrease his patented Bodacious Beatdown. Heartburn was not going to allow this. He tore one of his fingernails off with his teeth and spat it at Brainstem. The fingernail cracked against the young vampire¡¯s forehead, causing his skull to explode in a shower of blood and giblets. Neckbrace resurrected Skuld once more, but with Brainstem temporarily de-brained, Elbowgrease had the opportunity to undo her work. Surtr jumped into the fray, his glowing, vampire-killing sword at the ready. ¡®Swordo Backwardso!¡¯ Socrates cried. Surtr¡¯s sword suddenly flipped around, impaling its wielder through the stomach. ¡®Ouch,¡¯ Surtr said as he collapsed. ¡®Swordo Forwardso!¡¯ Plato counter-spelled. Surtr''s sword ripped itself out of his chest, doing even more damage than if it had just been left alone. ¡®Whoops,¡¯ said Plato. ¡®Hold on, man. Uhh¡­ Woundeth Healo!¡¯ The gaping cut on Surtr¡¯s chest closed, but so did all his facial orifices. While Plato attempted to undo that particular spell, Legcramp jumped into the fight and grabbed a hold of Elbowgrease. ¡®NECKBRACE!¡¯ he shouted. ¡®ON IT!¡¯ Neckbrace shouted back, resurrecting Skuld once more. ¡®Gah,¡¯ said Skuld. ¡®This is not how I thought today would go.¡¯ Heartburn rocketed forward, dropkicking Skuld into yet another grizzly end. ¡®Swordo Backwardso!¡¯ Socrates screamed. ¡®Swordo Forwardso!¡¯ Plato screamed back. ¡®Swordo Backwardso!¡¯ ¡®Swordo Forwardso!¡¯ Surtr¡¯s sword was tumbling end over end in mid-air, creating a significant health and safety hazard to anyone in the immediate area. Neckbrace resurrected Skuld with one hand, then poked Heartburn¡¯s eyes out with the other. Shaking the resurrection dizziness away, Skuld snapped her fingers and opened the portal. Heartburn¡¯s eyes reformed, and he tore Skuld¡¯s entrails out with a stern glare. The portal closed once again. At the same time, Elbowgrease finally threw Legcramp off his back, then kicked Brainstem''s body to the opposite side of the well. ¡®Faceholeth Attaino!¡¯ Plato shouted, and Surtr¡¯s orifices opened up with a wet ripping sound. Surtr quickly grabbed his spinning sword by the hilt and swung it at Heartburn. Heartburn, however, caught Surtr¡¯s wrist and twisted the sword out of his grasp. With a frantic, necromantic finger snap, Neckbrace brought Skuld back to the land of the living once more. The Norn opened the portal. Heartburn growled and picked the sword up. With its white-hot blade, he slashed Skuld into quantum particles, then slashed those particles into sub-quantum particles. Surtr tackled Heartburn and forced the sword out of his hands, but it was too late. Neckbrace tried resurrecting Skuld. It didn¡¯t work. Heartburn had killed her so hard she couldn¡¯t be brought back. ¡®WHAT NOW?¡¯ Neckbrace shouted to Plato. ¡®Oh, man,¡¯ Plato said, wiping the sweat off his skull. ¡®Okay, there¡¯s one other thing I can try, but it¡¯ll literally kill me.¡¯ ¡®COOL, DO THA¡ª¡® Neckbrace was interrupted by Elbowgrease wrapping his hands around her throat. He squeezed, popping her head off. Kim, who had gone to fetch Brainstem from the other side of the well, flew back. She dropped Brainstem on top of Socrates, then dive-bombed Elbowgrease. Plato¡¯s bones began glowing a brilliant red. Socrates struggled out of Brainstem¡¯s grasp and screamed, ¡®HEARTBURN! HE¡¯S USING THE PHILOSOPHER¡¯S STONE!¡¯ Heartburn punched Kim into Yggdrasil above and sprinted for Plato. Before he could get there, however, Plato¡¯s physical form suddenly collapsed into a glowing red sphere. The red glow then faded, revealing the swirling colors of time-space. ¡®HE USED THE POWER OF THE STONE TO OPEN A PORTAL!¡¯ Socrates helpfully shouted. ¡®YES, I CAN SEE THAT!¡¯ Heartburn shouted back. Legcramp leaped forward and jumped into the portal headfirst. Neckbrace elbowed Elbowgrease off her back and followed, her head still in the middle of regenerating. She was half-way through the portal when Heartburn grabbed her ankles. ¡®OH NO YOU DON¡¯T!¡¯ he spat. Thinking fast, Neckbrace grew hands on her feet and tried to pry Heartburn¡¯s cold fingers off. They didn¡¯t budge. Then, Brainstem sprinted out of nowhere and knocked both Neckbrace and Heartburn into the portal. Kim, Surtr, Elbowgrease, and Socrates scrambled in after. Only seconds after entering the psychedelic vortex of time, Neckbrace realized their efforts to get there had been ultimately fruitless. They had lost Armwrestle. They didn¡¯t have enough vampires to trigger the bomb. Unless¡­ Neckbrace¡¯s eyes locked onto Elbowgrease.
The tale has been illicitly lifted; should you spot it on Amazon, report the violation. Legcramp remembered all too well the nine weeks, four days, fourteen hours, six minutes and twenty-nine seconds he had spent in time-space. He wondered if Sigma 430 was still hanging around. Neckbrace''s shouting knocked him out of the thought. ¡®BRAINSTEM, GET READY!¡¯ Oh, that¡¯s right. Legcramp was going to help blow up time. Neckbrace jumped off a hovering year, narrowly dodging a Heartburn fingernail and Socrates magic missile, and came to a stop beside Legcramp. ¡®I need you to convince Elbowgrease to give his power to Brainstem,¡¯ Neckbrace said. ¡®What? How?¡¯ Legcramp asked, quickly ducking out of the way as Kim barrelled past, her sword interlocked with Heartburn¡¯s stolen one. ¡®Elbowgrease has two character traits,¡¯ Neckbrace frantically explained. ¡®He swaps sides on a dime, and he loves alcohol.¡¯ Legcramp nodded in understanding, then jumped off a particularly blocky minute to go find his grandfather.
He spied Elbowgrease busy grappling with Brainstem. Legcramp bounced from unit of time to unit of time until he eventually landed on a century besides the bearded vampire. ¡®Hey,¡¯ said Legcramp. ¡®Do you wanna give your power to Brainstem?¡¯ ¡®No,¡¯ Elbowgrease grunted as he gave Brainstem an atomic noogie. ¡®What if I told you I knew where to find a beer that could get vampires drunk?¡¯ Legcramp suggested, wiggling his eyebrows. ¡®Sorry, champ,¡¯ Elbowgrease said. ¡®But I quit drinking thirty seconds ago.¡¯ ¡®What could I do to convince you to change sides?¡¯ Legcramp asked. He was growing desperate. ¡®Anything. Please.¡¯ ¡®Buy me a beer after this,¡¯ Elbowgrease said. ¡®But you just said¡ª¡® ¡®I¡¯m relapsing.¡¯ ¡®Okay fine,¡¯ Legcramp said, choosing not to mention the fact that he was underage. ¡®I¡¯ll buy you a beer.¡¯ ¡®HEY BRAINSTEM!¡¯ Elbowgrease shouted. ¡®I¡¯m right here, mate,¡¯ Brainstem said from about fifty centimeters away. ¡®GET READY FOR THIS!¡¯ An artery snaked out of Elbowgrease¡¯s wrist and affixed itself to Brainstem¡¯s neck. Legcramp followed his grandfather¡¯s lead and connected one of his arteries to Brainstem, too. ¡®KEEP THEM OFF US!¡¯ Neckbrace ordered Surtr and Kim, before jumping over and connecting her own artery to Brainstem. ¡®OH, CRIKEY!¡¯ Brainstem exclaimed as he began to feel the full power of three other vampires flowing into him. ¡®NO!¡¯ Heartburn cried. ¡®STOP¡ª¡® Kim cut him off with a well-placed slash to the vocal cords. While he was distracted, Surtr grabbed his glowing sword back and readied to slice Heartburn into nothingness. ¡®LIMBETH REVERSO!¡¯ Socrates squawked. Surtr¡¯s hands became feet, and he was no longer able to grip the sword. ¡®aaaaaaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAHH!¡¯ Brainstem screamed. His veins were glowing white hot. His flesh was beginning to expand. It couldn¡¯t hold the energy in. ¡®Tell us when you¡¯re ready to blow,¡¯ Neckbrace said. ¡®There¡¯s no way in hell you¡¯re taking us with you. Got that?¡¯ ¡®OOOOOOKKAAAAYYY!¡¯ ¡®TRAITOR!¡¯ Heartburn screamed as rocketed forward on a jet of blood and punched Elbowgrease into the next millennium. Literally. Brainstem had ballooned to ten times his normal size and was shaking violently. Lightning bolts of energy burst off his skin, vaporizing nearby days. ¡®I DON¡¯T¡­ HAVE¡­ ENOUGH POWER!¡¯ Brainstem forced out. Legcramp desperately searched about for something that could replace Elbowgrease. Then he saw it, floating some distance away from Surtr. A glowing, magical sword. ¡®SURTR,¡¯ he roared, ¡®YOUR SWORD!¡¯ Surtr quickly grabbed the sword with his hand-feet and threw it at Brainstem. The sword pierced Brainstem¡¯s skull and exploded into raw energy, finally pushing Brainstem to his absolute limit. ¡®NECKO¡­¡¯ Brainstem choked, his skin glowing with the intensity of a quasar. ¡®I JUST WANT¡­ YOU¡­ TO KNOW¡­ YOU¡¯RE GONNA GET... A SOLO MOVIE¡­ IN THE BODACIOUS BRAINSTEM CINEMATIC UNIVERSE.¡¯ ¡®No thanks,¡¯ said Neckbrace. ¡®YOU IDIOT!¡¯ Heartburn spluttered, grabbing onto Legcramp¡¯s skull and crushing it in his iron grip. ''YOU''VE RUINED EVERYTHING!'' ¡®I¡¯M GONNA¡­!¡¯ Brainstem forced out. ¡®WE GOTTA GO!¡¯ Neckbrace screamed. All this caps lock was really tiring her out. Kim soared over, Surtr riding on her back. She grabbed Neckbrace and tried to grab Legcramp too, but Heartburn viciously smacked her away. With Neckbrace and Surtr in tow, the force of Heartburn¡¯s attack sent Kim sailing out the portal just in time for Brainstem to become a dimension-ending explosion. In an instant, time-space was annihilated, and everything vanished.
Neckbrace awoke surrounded by fire and brimstone. She felt weak. Weaker than she thought possible. She tried flexing her muscles, but they felt sluggish and unresponsive. She tried shapeshifting her left foot into a puma. All it did was give her a cramp. Most of all, she was hot. Unbearably so. She sat up, the sweat evaporating off her forehead. Neckbrace looked at her hands. Pale pink skin. Her mouth felt weird, too. No fangs. ¡®So, I¡¯m human then?¡¯ Neckbrace asked Kim, who was sitting on a nearby chunk of red-hot rock. ¡®No,¡¯ Kim replied. ¡®You¡¯re still from Venus, after all. You¡¯re just not a vampire anymore.¡¯ ¡®So I¡¯m just some meat¡­ thing?¡¯ Neckbrace said, staring at her weak hands once more. ¡®Yep,¡¯ Kim said. ¡®You remember our deal right?¡¯ said Surtr, who was busy looking up Brokk and Eitri¡¯s website so he could get a new sword forged. ¡®I won¡¯t say a word to Odin,¡¯ Kim reassured. ¡®Can¡¯t say the same about Heimdallr, though. You know how that guy likes to spy on people.¡¯ Surtr scowled. ¡®Yeah, whatever Sk?gul. See you at Ragnar?k.¡¯ ¡®Ready to go?¡¯ Kim asked Neckbrace. ¡®Pretty sure if you stay in Muspelheim any longer you¡¯ll die of heatstroke.¡¯ ¡®Where¡¯re we going?¡¯ Neckbrace asked. Kim waved at the sky to signal Heimdallr and turned back to Neckbrace. ¡®I¡¯ll tell you on the way. I¡¯m serious about that heatstroke thing. You are very close to being dead right now.¡¯
As they walked along the multi-dimensional, glittering expanse of the Bifrost, Kim explained. ¡®So, you¡¯ve been in a lot of fights right?¡¯ she asked. ¡®Yeah?¡¯ Neckbrace said. Her weak legs were hurting from all the walking. ¡®And you¡¯ve won a lot of them too, right?¡¯ Kim continued. ¡®In other words, you could say you¡¯re a warrior?'' ¡®¡­Yeah?¡¯ Neckbrace wasn¡¯t quite sure where this was going. Kim stopped walking. ¡®How would you like to go to Valhalla?¡¯ Neckbrace stopped too. ¡®I thought that was for dead people.¡¯ ¡®Fight me,¡¯ said Kim. ¡®I¡¯ll win, and you¡¯ll die, but you would have died in battle. You¡¯ll get to leave that useless meat body behind. You¡¯ll get to hang out with a bunch of cool dead people until Ragnar?k. Plus, dying in battle with a Valkyrie gets you brownie points with Odin.¡¯ ¡®Why are you doing this for me?¡¯ Neckbrace asked. ¡®You helped save the Nine Realms,¡¯ Kim said. ¡®Seems like a fair reward to me.¡¯ Neckbrace thought for a moment. Did she really want to live by Odin¡¯s feet, out of everywhere in existence? But then again¡­ ¡®Fuck it,¡¯ Neckbrace said as she punched Kim in the face.
Legcramp awoke surrounded by bitter wind and blaring lights. He struggled to his feet, groaning under the effort. His muscles were weak. His body was weak. He had somehow survived the explosion, but he certainly wasn¡¯t a vampire anymore. Legcramp looked around, shielding his eyes from the lights. It was night-time, but everywhere he looked there were floating advertisements for strange products and services, lighting the dirty street as if it were day. DIGITAL GLOBOMATIC¡¯S PREMIUM CYBERNETICS CHEAP FLIGHTS TO NEW MARS, ONLY 99 SOCIETY CONTRIBUTION CREDITS MAHOU SHOUJO HOLOGRAM UNIVERSE ¨C FREE VR TRIAL OUT NOW SAVE THE MECHA-WHALES: DONATE TODAY Legcramp stood entranced by the hypnotic lights. The street was bustling with people wearing plastic clothing, their body parts replaced with metal substitutes. A man, blindly stumbling around with some kind of grey box glued to his face, ran straight into Legcramp. ¡®Sorry!¡¯ he called out as he stumbled away. Legcramp backed up against a robotic dumpster and rubbed his eyes. Where was he? When was he? It looked like the explosion had somehow catapulted him into some distant future. He was stranded, without vampiric powers, and with no one he knew. ¡®Oh, hey,¡¯ said Elbowgrease, who Legcramp had mistaken as a homeless man digging through the dumpster. ¡®So how about that beer?'' Legcramp held his face in his hands. Maybe he deserved this.
Heartburn awoke surrounded by screaming and death. He rose to his feet, cursing his newfound non-vampire weakness. Before him, atop a nearby hill, surrounding by warring mortals, the armored form of Odin stood, and before Odin, the colossal wolf Fenrir growled. In the distance, Surtr, now taller than the sky, held his sword aloft. Its light illuminated a Solar System that had long grown dark. All around him, gods from every corner of existence fought to the death. Ragnar?k was in full bloom. Heartburn raised an eyebrow. It seemed the explosion had catapulted him quite far ahead in time. If that was the case, maybe he hadn¡¯t lost as much as he thought. Maybe he¡­ The gods ceased fighting. Time ceased ticking forward. Everything stood deathly still. Then, from the heavens above, it appeared. An Eye, great and magnificent. An Eye so awe-inspiring, so outstandingly beautiful, so grand, that Heartburn could not help but weep. The Eye¡¯s glorious sight fixated on Heartburn, the character that wasn¡¯t supposed to be there. Th character thing that was spoiling everything. The Eye looked at Heartburn, and Heartburn vanished. Then the Eye looked at you, and the story ended.