《Jake and the Dynamo》 Chapter 1: The First Test
Quote:¡°It is rare that one can see in a little boy the promise of a man, but one can almost always see in a little girl the threat of a woman.¡± ¡ªAlexandre Dumas
On the desolate slope of a craggy mountain where no snow fell and no flowers grew, a high castle of black basalt stood resilient against the biting, howling wind. Deep in the castle¡¯s bowels, the Dark Queen, mistress of all that is base and wicked, reclined upon her throne. Leaning an alabaster cheek on the palm of one hand while she slid the carefully manicured fingers of the other along the generous curve of her hip, she ran a forked tongue across her blood-red lips. Her throne, cut from black obsidian, resembled an enormous, coiling dragon poised like a cobra ready to strike, its mouth spread wide to display sharp fangs. From somewhere deep in the dragon¡¯s stone throat shone a weird violet light that made its teeth and eyes glitter as if alive, but did nothing to illumine the murky room. Surrounding the throne, carved into the heavy stone blocks of the floor, was a Druid¡¯s Claw full of cracked, brown lumps of dried blood. At each point of this pentangle stood a pillar of black marble topped with a smoldering censer of black gold, from which rose languorous, curling streams of smoke that filled the room with the heavy, soporific scent of olibanum. The ceiling was so high as to be invisible in the darkness, but from somewhere above came the occasional squeak and titter of bats. The Queen absently stroked the head of the pet cobra coiled in her lap. Around her, throughout the vast chamber, her many subjects crouched or slithered. Some resembled giant serpents. Others were great, gray trolls. Others were huge insects rubbing their forelimbs against each other as if contemplating prey. Some looked like bats or gargoyles and hung upside down from the arches lining the walls. Some were witches with long, warty noses, who peeped and muttered as they stirred pots of potions or chanted dark spells. With eyelids half-lowered over ice-blue eyes, the Queen peered at these her servants¡ªor, rather, she squinted at them, since she could barely see through the gloom. ¡°It¡¯s too darn dark in here,¡± she murmured. ¡°I know it¡¯s got the ¡®evil kingdom¡¯ vibe going, but couldn¡¯t we see about some recessed lighting, or maybe just a reading lamp? How do the other evil overlords do it? This can¡¯t be good for my eyes¡ª¡± ¡°Oh great Lady of Darkness,¡± simpered Chirops, her chief minion. He was a bat as large as a medium-sized dog, and he waddled on little legs as he dragged his wings across the floor. He pulled close to the dais on which stood her throne. ¡°Oh great Lady of Darkness,¡± he said again, bowing low, ¡°what will be your next move in the conquest of mankind¡¯s last city?¡± The Dark Queen drew her claw-like, blood red nails down one armrest of her throne. Chirops winced, and the cobra hissed. ¡°Let us test the strength of their protectresses,¡± the Dark Queen said. Her forked tongue flicked across her needle-sharp teeth. ¡°Send in a new monster ... the monster Abraxas!¡± Chirops¡¯s furry ears drooped. ¡°But ... Your Darkness ... sending in a monster is what you did last week. You shouldn¡¯t keep trying the same thing, expecting a different result.¡± The Queen rose from her throne and dropped her hissing cobra to the floor. She planted one of her six-inch stiletto heels directly before the cowering bat¡¯s face. He gasped. ¡°No, little minion! You shouldn¡¯t defy your Queen without expecting her majestic wrath! Now go! Call Abraxas! Your Queen demands blood!¡±
It was a peaceful night in downtown Urbanopolis. Autumn was just around the corner, but the night was warm even though it was clear. The shops of the Godai district, most of which sold antiques, trinkets, or pastries, were brightly lit, and their broad windows cast festive squares of light across the pavement. The air was full of the sweet and savory scents of treats grilling at the several food stalls. In the concrete pots lining the street, the orange cosmos were in bloom. In a few weeks, the Mexican fire bushes planted with them would turn red and give the impression that each pot was full of frozen fire. Teenagers traveled in chattering groups, and families with small children were out window-shopping and eating taiyaki or ice cream, enjoying their last few hours of freedom before the start of the new school session. Then a monster attacked. Like all monsters, it had no apparent plan and no apparent purpose; it simply appeared in a bright flash and started killing. Its gray, knobby flesh reeked like a mixture of manure and industrial chemicals, and great tusks jutted from its thick, slobbery lips. It wore a bikini made from some kind of green-tinted metal¡ªthe only hint that it was female. Its callused hands were the size of rubbish bin lids. With them, it hurled men, women, and children into windows and brick walls, or else picked them up and crushed them, letting their blood and innards run between its meaty fingers. The monster brought a club-like fist down onto the head of a young woman who had been out shopping with her five-year-old daughter. The blow broke her skull and pulverized the vertebrae of her neck. She tumbled to the ground like a rag doll, instantly dead. A moment before, her daughter had been licking an ice cream cone. Now the ice cream fell from her hand and splattered on the sidewalk, forgotten. She knelt over her mother, tiny fists bunched, and screamed. A middle-aged businessman jumped in front of the monster, dropped his briefcase, scooped up the girl, and ran. Before, the monster had simply been out to kill anything and everything, but now it had a purpose: it would not stop until that little girl was dead. It picked up a parked car, raised it overhead, and threw. The car sailed through the air for fifty feet before its rear bumper hit the ground with an ear-piercing shriek, raising sparks and a hail of gravel. It lost little of its momentum, but slid down the road with its front end in the air. In less than a second, the man and girl would be nothing but a red smear on the asphalt¡ª A bright, girlish voice cried out, ¡°Rainbow Shield!¡± A shining wall, flowing with colors like the surface of a soap bubble, burst out of the ground. The car struck it with a crunch. The wall distended like rubber, but it held: with the squeal of rending metal, the car bounced off and tipped over onto its roof. The shimmering wall popped and disappeared into the ether. Out of the sky floated a young girl, probably fifteen years old, supported by tiny wings fluttering at the heels of her sneakers. Her yellow hair whipped in the wind beneath her beret, and she wore a pink miniskirt puffed out by lace-hemmed petticoats. In one hand, she held a wand, also pink, topped with the emblem of a winged deck of playing cards. In her other hand, pinched between index and middle finger, she held a card with a picture of a rainbow-colored bubble on it. Once her feet touched the ground, she spun her wand like a cheerleader¡¯s baton. ¡°By the power of the cards entrusted to me by the ancient Society of Wizards, I am Magical Girl Card Collector Kasumi!¡± The people on the street halted in their panicked flight to clap and cheer. ¡°Look!¡± hollered an elderly woman with thick spectacles. ¡°Up there! Another one!¡± All eyes turned toward the flat rooftop of a three-story, low-rent hotel. Silhouetted against the full moon stood another girl, this one draped in a green gown that, at its hem, divided into tassels from which hung silver bells. In her hands, she held a sharpened pencil the size of a staff. ¡°A girl robot infused with hopes and dreams and the power of imagination!¡± she shouted. ¡°I am Magical Girl Grease Pencil Marionette!¡± The people gasped as she leapt from the roof, twisted her body in the air like an expert diver, and landed lightly on the road next to Kasumi. A sour note hovered on the air, as if struck from a guitar by inexpert fingers. Everyone looked around in confusion. With a shout, a little boy pointed to the top of a lamppost where yet another girl, possibly as young as twelve, balanced on her tippy toes. She wore white bellbottoms and a garish tailed jacket studded with rhinestones. ¡°With the power of incredible songs that would make me a world-famous pop diva if only someone would recognize my talent!¡± she cried in a scratchy voice. ¡°I am Magical Girl Tuneless Ramona!¡± She swayed for a moment before falling gracelessly from the lamppost and planting her face in the pavement at Marionette¡¯s feet. But then she jumped up, clenched a fist, grinned a toothy grin, and yelled, ¡°Together, the three of us are¡ª¡± Kasumi and Marionette gave each other uncertain glances. ¡°We¡¯re just three magical girls who happen to be in the same place to fight the same monster,¡± Marionette said. ¡°Yeah,¡± added Kasumi. ¡°It¡¯s not like we¡¯re a team or anything.¡± Ramona¡¯s lip quivered. ¡°You ... you don¡¯t wanna be a team?¡± Tears appeared in the corners of her eyes. ¡°But I was hoping you¡¯d join my idol group!¡± Kasumi shrieked, but quickly slapped a velvet-gloved hand over her mouth. Marionette ran her fingers through her short-cropped silver hair. ¡°Oh, Ramona ... heh heh heh ... I don¡¯t think we¡¯re good enough to be in your group. I¡¯m a robot¡ª¡± ¡°That¡¯s right!¡± Kasumi added. ¡°And I¡¯m only good at Go Fish and Old Maid ... and predicting your death with my cursed Tarot deck, but I only do that to boys who dump me.¡± Ramona crossed her arms and pouted. ¡°Hmph. Revolutionary artists are never understood in their own time. Don¡¯t you two know I¡¯ve been on Urbanopolis¡¯s Got Talent?¡± Marionette leaned toward Kasumi and whispered, ¡°She didn¡¯t make it past the first round.¡± ¡°I heard half the audience had to be treated for PTSD,¡± Kasumi whispered back. Dumbfounded, the monster silently watched this display. Like all monsters, it knew never to interrupt magical girls while they were talking, but once a lull appeared in the conversation, it flexed its muscular arms and uttered a deafening roar as thick globs of spittle rained from its gaping maw. The people in the crowd moaned and cowered. Ensure your favorite authors get the support they deserve. Read this novel on the original website. ¡°All right!¡± Ramona cried. ¡°Time to get down to business!¡± She put her fingertips to her collarbones and spun in a pirouette. ¡°I call on the power of Apollo and Euterpe to lend me aid!¡± ¡°Won¡¯t do any good,¡± Marionette muttered. Ramona made a flying leap into the middle of the road. When she raised her hands, a disco ball materialized in the air. She dropped her arms to her sides and, palms up, slowly lifted them as if picking up a heavy weight. Beneath her feet, the asphalt rumbled, cracked, and parted. A wooden stage grew out of the ground. The disco ball spun, washing the blood-soaked street with multicolored lights, and the sound of off-key electronica music came from nowhere. During this display, the monster crossed its arms, tapped a thick foot against the ground, and checked its watch. Ramona swayed her hips and snapped her fingers as she shuffled her feet. ¡°C¡¯mon, monster-chan!¡± she called with a wink. ¡°Shake it like ya owe me some money!¡± She spun around, bent over, and wiggled her buttocks. The people gasped and covered their eyes. ¡°Dear sweet Princess,¡± Kasumi whispered. ¡°What in the name of every sailor-suited schoolgirl in the history of humanity is she doing?¡± ¡°This is her power,¡± said Marionette grimly. ¡°One night, she sang karaoke with her friends. She was terrible, so terrible that she produced a powerful field of negative musical energy, and thus Ramona Kawasaki became Tuneless Ramona, a magical girl armed with song and dance so awful, they¡¯re actually weapons. She is the Destroyer, the Anti-Idol.¡± Ramona stretched a hand into the air again. Above her head, in a burst of pink sparkles, appeared an oversized microphone decorated with green and red costume jewelry. It lowered until it came within her grasp. ¡°And now,¡± she said, her amplified voice cracking, ¡°I¡¯ll perform my number one hit, ¡®Beautiful Singing Ramona (Can Shake Her Moneymaker).¡¯¡± Marionette slammed her grease pencil into the ground, cracking the asphalt. ¡°Kasumi! Quickly! We have to do something! The people¡ª!¡± ¡°On it!¡± Kasumi reached into her pagoda sleeve, produced a new card, and tossed it into the air. She spun her wand in her hand and slapped it into the card¡¯s surface. ¡°Magical Earplugs!¡± ¡°Why do you even have a card like that?¡± In a blaze of blue light, foam earplugs appeared in the ears of Kasumi, Marionette, and the gathered people. The magically enhanced plugs blotted out all noise, preventing an even greater tragedy than what had already occurred. Ramona pranced around the stage, occasionally delivered a high kick, and bobbed her head back and forth to make her pigtails bounce. She even performed an impromptu Moonwalk. But no one could say he heard the song she sang¡ªand that was a good thing, because no one who heard it would have lived to tell. The monster stood frozen as if turned to stone. Its slavering jaw hung open. Its left cheek twitched. But then it shook its massive head and ran full-bore toward the stage. Ramona stopped in the middle of her routine, shrieked, and curled into a ball. Marionette yanked out her earplugs. ¡°Impossible! Ramona¡¯s song should have¡ª!¡± Then she saw the little pieces of foam sticking out of the monster¡¯s pointy ears. Marionette grabbed Kasumi by the shoulders and shook her. ¡°Idiot! Baka! You weren¡¯t supposed to give the monster earplugs too!¡± ¡°I¡¯m sorry!¡± Kasumi shouted. ¡°I can¡¯t hear you! I¡¯ve got earplugs in!¡± Marionette spun her pencil in a whirlwind and brought it down as if making a low strike. She scribbled furiously on the pavement. With a pop, Kasumi tugged out her plugs. ¡°Is this really the time for that?¡± ¡°By the power of imagination!¡± Marionette said through clenched teeth. ¡°From my mind, through my hands¡ªto reality!¡± After giving it a final twirl, Marionette slipped the pencil over her shoulder and into a sheath on her back. Then she reached down and touched the pavement. She tugged, and the object she had drawn became solid. It rose out of the ground and into her hands. Kasumi gasped. ¡°What is that?¡± ¡°An autocannon!¡± With a wide grin, staggering under the weight, Marionette turned and pointed the spinning barrel of the enormous machine gun at the monster. ¡°Marionette, you can¡¯t fire one of those from the hip in real life!¡± ¡°It¡¯s a magical autocannon! Cut me some slack here!¡± She opened fire. Roaring like thunder, the spinning barrels blazed. The monster screeched and staggered backwards. Kasumi bounced from one foot to the other. ¡°But you¡¯re only hitting it with globs of grease¡ª¡± ¡°I drew it with a grease pencil!¡± Marionette shouted over the noise of the gun. ¡°What do you want from me?¡± Kasumi sighed. ¡°I guess it¡¯s up to me. She tucked her hands into her sleeves, pulled out several cards, and furiously flipped through them. ¡°Let¡¯s see¡ªbutterflies, flowers, ponies ... why couldn¡¯t those wizards give me any good spells? Like a fireball or lightning bolt or magic missile or¡ª¡± The attack of grease had caught the monster off guard, but now it hunched low and ran like a rugby player toward Ramona¡¯s stage. Ramona found her courage, gripped her microphone, and rose to her feet. She put the mike near her lips and sang a single note. The monster paused and dropped to all fours in mid-run. Marionette¡¯s finger lifted from the trigger. She swayed. Kasumi dropped her cards. They fluttered to the ground, forgotten. It had been a clear note, as pure as a sound struck from fine crystal, perhaps the first clear note Ramona had sung in her life. ¡°Amazing,¡± Marionette whispered. ¡°Maybe ... maybe Ramona really is¡ª¡± ¡°Oops, that came out wrong,¡± said Ramona. ¡°What I meant was¡ª¡± Kasumi and Marionette clapped their hands to their ears just in time. As Ramona released a high-pitched screech, the windows up and down the street blew out. People ducked under flying shards of glass. Children screamed. Marionette and Kasumi blocked enough of the sound to save their lives, but the noise still dropped them to the pavement. The monster was unfazed, as it still wore earplugs. Ramona¡¯s renewed attempt to sing had made it curious, but accomplished nothing else. It reached out, grabbed the would-be idol in its thick fist, and flung her through the air. ¡°Everyone¡¯s a critic!¡± she cried as she disappeared over the rooftops. Marionette and Kasumi lay paralyzed. Marionette struggled to move an arm: her fingers twitched, and her wrist flopped¡ªjust enough to bring her hand against Kasumi¡¯s. ¡°I¡¯m sorry,¡± Marionette whispered. ¡°Looks like this is it.¡± The monster loomed over them. Its moist, acrid breath fluttered their clothing. ¡°We did what we could,¡± Kasumi whispered back. Marionette felt tears in her eyes, the first tears she had cried in over two hundred years. ¡°I wanted to be a real girl. I wanted it so very much. Tell of me, Kasumi. Tell my story when the Moon Princess takes you to Paradise. I have no soul that can join you there.¡± Tears poured from Kasumi¡¯s eyes as well. ¡°You live in my soul, Marionette, and you always will.¡± The monster raised one thick fist. Its shadow, cast by the moonlight, stretched across the helpless magical girls. Marionette gazed up into the night sky for what she was sure was the last time. The moon was so full, so bright. Glimmering in the Sea of Serenity were tiny points of light¡ªthe lights of the kingdom that Grease Pencil Marionette, no matter how faithfully she served the Princess, would never see. A sparkling line of blue, like a shooting star made of glitter, streaked across the moon¡¯s face. Marionette¡¯s mechanical heart surged with hope. ¡°She¡¯s here. We¡¯re saved.¡± The monster, with a bewildered snort, looked up. Out of the clear air rose a young girl¡¯s triumphant shout¡ª ¡°Lightning Rod!¡±
In her poorly lit throne room, the Dark Queen watched the battle unfold in her crystal ball. With pleasure, she saw three magical girls fall. Then, with rage, she saw her beloved Abraxas tumble to the ground, dead. Once its dark soul had departed, the monster¡¯s body quickly disintegrated into sand. With a snarl of disgust, the Queen waved her hand over the ball, turning it black. She sat back in her throne and touched a hand to her chin. ¡°Every time,¡± she hissed. ¡°Every single time¡ª¡± Chirops waddled to the side of her throne and peeked over the armrest. ¡°Perhaps, Your Darkness, we should consider changing our tactic.¡± In a flash, the Queen reached out and wrapped a hand around Chirops¡¯s throat. The bat squealed and gasped as he struggled in her grip. She brought his face close to hers and reveled in the sight of overwhelming fear in his wide, pale eyes. With one razor-sharp nail, she gently stroked the fur on his cheek. ¡°Perhaps, my little servant.¡± She dropped him. He fell to the floor with a squeak. ¡°Perhaps,¡± she said, voice booming to reach all the slavering minions who crouched in the darkness, ¡°it is not the city against which we should send our monsters. Perhaps we should send them against my hated enemy herself. We will discover what she loves, what she cares for, and once we have destroyed that¡ª¡± She cackled. On one arm of her throne lay a photograph of a young, blue-haired girl sporting a cocky grin. The Queen dragged her nails across the photo, shredding it. ¡°I will pay you back a thousand times over for the humiliation you have done me ... Magical Girl Pretty Dynamo!¡± Chapter 2: Enter the Dynamo When Jake got up in the morning, monsters and magical girls were in the news again. He dressed in his brand new school uniform and checked himself out in the mirror. This was his first time in a suit. It couldn¡¯t quite hide his gangly frame, but it looked sharp enough, if a little stuffy for his taste. He untucked his shirt, loosened his tie, opened his top button, and folded the French cuffs over the jacket sleeves¡ªyes, that was better. He quickly ran his fingers through his mussed black hair before he slouched downstairs and landed in his seat at the breakfast bar. Leaning across the bar, he watched his mother, who, clad in a frilly apron, fried up breakfast. With a sweet smile, she slid a steaming plate of eggs and toast in front of him. Meanwhile, his father, coffee in one hand and a folded newspaper in the other, sat on the loveseat and hunched toward the television. The light of the TV played against his thick spectacles. On the screen, an empty suit and a bleached blonde, both with fake smiles affixed to their heavily painted faces, expounded gleefully on the city¡¯s latest bout of bloody violence. In the air to their left hovered a box displaying a hulking, gray monstrosity rampaging through an open-air market. The image was shaky, apparently recorded on a phone. It turned to static when the monster drew close. ¡°Last night at approximately nine-fifteen,¡± the bleached blonde said, ¡°another monster attacked the Godai District in downtown Urbanopolis. Analysts classified it as a level-three threat. The High Priestess of the Temple of the Moon Princess offers condolences to the families of the victims.¡± ¡°Magical Girls Grease Pencil Marionette, Card Collector Kasumi, and Tuneless Ramona quickly arrived on the scene to combat the creature,¡± said the suit. ¡°Casualties total seven dead and thirteen wounded. Five need psychological counseling after seeing Tuneless Ramona dance.¡± ¡°During the fight,¡± said the blonde, ¡°Grease Pencil Marionette¡¯s hand brushed against Card Collector Kasumi¡¯s, and rumors are now running rampant regarding the nature of their relationship¡ª¡± Jake dropped his fork with a clatter. He rose from his breakfast, walked across the great room, and turned the TV off. His father snapped up, and his coffee slopped. ¡°Hey, I was watching that!¡± ¡°I can¡¯t stand magical girls,¡± Jake muttered around the egg in his mouth as he returned to his plate. ¡°They protect us from the monsters,¡± his father answered as he hunted between the cushions for the remote. ¡°You should thank the Moon Princess every day for the magical girls!¡± Jake merely grunted in reply as he finished his eggs. It had been a full five years since he¡¯d last said a real prayer to the Princess. Soon after, he stood by the front door with his satchel in hand while his mother fussed over him. ¡°Look at you!¡± she cried as she buttoned the top button of his shirt and tightened his tie. ¡°Your first day of high school!¡± ¡°Aw, Mom, don¡¯t make a big deal¡ª¡± ¡°I¡¯m just glad I had a son,¡± she said as she threw her arms around him. ¡°I don¡¯t know what I¡¯d do if you were a girl and started getting powers¡ª¡± ¡°C¡¯mon, Mom. A girl has a better chance of gettin¡¯ hit by lightning than becoming one of those magical freaks.¡± ¡°Still, I¡¯d worry. I worry anyway. There are so many monster attacks these days¡ª¡± ¡°We have to live our lives like normal,¡± said his father as he pushed his glasses up his nose. ¡°Otherwise, the monsters win. Besides, the Moon Princess is watching over us. She¡¯ll know when it¡¯s time to bring her New Tokyo down out of heaven.¡± Yeah, right. Jake didn¡¯t say it aloud, but to his mind, if the Moon Princess really cared about what happened on Earth, she would have returned already. Some said she delayed her Second Coming because she was building her defensive grid in the Oort Cloud to prevent further invasions of the Solar System. Some said she was testing her followers¡¯ faith. But Jake figured she¡¯d simply got too many power-ups, lost her humanity, and forgotten about the miserable creatures who crawled on the Earth and desperately offered her prayers. No, the Princess wasn¡¯t coming back. Mankind was on its own.
Jake met his best friend Ralph on the way to school. He too was in a brand new uniform, but he had his starched shirt tucked in, and a clip secured his neatly tied necktie. Pomade held his coiffure in place, but it still curled at the part and at the neck. He looked neat now, but in a few days, his hair would be a rat¡¯s nest, and his shirt would be full of wrinkles. Slinging their satchels casually over their shoulders, they strolled together down the narrow walk. Theirs was a quiet suburban neighborhood on the fringe of Urbanopolis. The houses were tidy, the lawns were neatly trimmed, and the stately oak trees lining the street were just beginning to turn red and yellow as fall approached. This was far from the city center where human-impersonating monsters conducted random slaughters, and far from the bay where giant reptiles often rose from the sea. The suburbs were still vulnerable to flying monsters and alien abductions, of course, and they had suffered more than a few vampire and zombie infestations in the last few years. Still, suburbanites could claim that their lives were relatively peaceful. Most of the dwellings were single-story bungalows or ranch-style houses interspersed with more lavish villas built in the traditional sukiya style. Most were occupied. Only a few, one every block or so, were burned out and vacant because of a magical battle. Ralph gave Jake a hearty punch to the shoulder. ¡°Are you ready for this?¡± Jake grinned. ¡°High school. Finally. Today, life really begins.¡± ¡°I wouldn¡¯t go that far.¡± ¡°Last year, we were children. Now we¡¯re adults. This morning, I actually shaved.¡± ¡°What, your legs?¡± ¡°Shut up.¡± ¡°Hey, check this out.¡± Ralph dug into his satchel and pulled out a glossy photo. ¡°It¡¯s even autographed, dude.¡± Jake took it. The photo featured a young girl in what looked like an electric blue powder puff tutu. Instead of a matching bodice, she wore a breastplate of intertwining silver and gold. On her forearms, she had heavy vambraces of the same material, and on her forehead she wore an amber stone mounted in a tiara. Her hair, done up in curly pigtails, was the same blue as her skirt. In her right hand, she clutched a thick wand¡ªor perhaps a cudgel¡ªsurmounting which was her emblem, a blue lightning bolt crossing a pink heart. She held up two fingers in a ¡°V for victory¡± sign, and electricity arced between them. Scrawled across the photo, in silver marker, was, ¡°To my #1 fan! ¡ªDynamo.¡± ¡°Pretty Dynamo,¡± said Ralph with a satisfied nod. ¡°Definitely the hottest magical girl right now. She¡¯s got a flying snowboard, and with her Lightning Rod¡ª¡± ¡°Where¡¯d you get this?¡± ¡°There¡¯s a shop downtown that sells ¡¯em¡ª¡± ¡°And they all say ¡®number one fan¡¯?¡± ¡°Um¡ª¡± ¡°You idiot. That¡¯s not even her real signature.¡± ¡°It could be.¡± ¡°Are you seriously into this stuff?¡± ¡°Of course I am. Everybody is. Do you have any idea how many monsters Pretty Dynamo has killed? How many lives she¡¯s saved? She¡¯s even more awesome than Sword Seamstress, who was my last favorite.¡± Jake sighed. ¡°What? What¡¯s the matter? With her magical Knitting Rapiers, Sword Seamstress can slay a monster and knit a cardigan at the same time.¡± ¡°What kind of girl calls herself pretty?¡± Ralph snatched the photo back. ¡°Lots of magical girls have pretty in their names. Uh ... say, how old do you think she looks?¡± ¡°Hard to tell. Twelve?¡± Ralph held the photo overhead as if hoping sunlight would shine through the paper to reveal new details. ¡°Really? I thought she looked older¡ª¡± ¡°Don¡¯t tell me you have a crush on a magical girl.¡± ¡°What? No! Well, maybe.¡± Jake shook his head. ¡°I¡¯m an adult today. You¡¯re still a child.¡± ¡°Any of the girls in our classes might actually be magical girls, you know.¡± ¡°I already have a girlfriend, and I¡¯m sure she¡¯s not part of the freak show. She would have told me.¡± ¡°Maybe not. They say some magical girls are real jealous of their secret identities.¡± ¡°How would ¡®they¡¯ know that?¡± ¡°Um ... well, anyway, you gotta admit Pretty Dynamo is pretty cool.¡± ¡°She¡¯s wearing an armored tutu. I don¡¯t have to admit anything.¡± They reached the school, a three-story building of plain concrete with only a squat clock tower to break up its boxy profile. Certain influences of Streamline Moderne, such as rounded corners, porthole windows, and a chrome grille around the clock, saved it from being utterly nondescript. Other students, all in fresh uniforms, trailed through its glassed-in entryway. Out front stood a bespectacled woman with a deeply lined face and blue-gray hair secured in a tight bun. She slapped a rolled-up sheaf of paper against her palm as if wishing it were a riding crop. As Jake and Ralph approached, she stiffened and marched toward them, pointing her roll of paper with an air of vague menace. ¡°Young man,¡± she called. ¡°Young man, are you Jake Blatowski?¡± Jake stopped, stuck his hands in his pockets, and said, ¡°Yeah¡ª¡± ¡°I am Mrs. Pasternak, the principal, and I want you in my office this instant!¡± Ralph nudged him. ¡°Haven¡¯t even made it through the door, and you¡¯re already off to see the principal.¡± ¡°Heh. I¡¯m sure it¡¯s nothing.¡±
Jake¡¯s mouth was as dry as if he¡¯d been sucking on a cotton ball. His vision blurred. What he had just heard sounded like something from a bad TV drama, or from a bad joke. ¡°I don¡¯t understand,¡± he said. Mrs. Pasternak hunched over a computer and peered at its screen as she adjusted her cat-rimmed glasses. ¡°I¡¯m sorry, Mr. Blatowski, but I have now triple-checked your academic record, and I cannot find any evidence that you completed fifth grade.¡± ¡°I¡¯m here, aren¡¯t I? I just completed eighth grade.¡± ¡°Yes, I see that. But that does not change the facts. You didn¡¯t skip a grade, did you?¡± ¡°No, of course not.¡± ¡°Hm.¡± ¡°So you, like, want me to take a fifth-grade level test or something¡ª?¡± A sickly grin formed on Mrs. Pasternak¡¯s face, revealing gray teeth. She turned from her computer, leaned her elbows on her desk, and intertwined her fingers. When a grownup did that, something bad was coming. Jake tensed. Her lipstick was a thick smear of red. Around it, tiny hairs stuck out of her caked-on makeup. ¡°Mr. Blatowski,¡± she said slowly, her voice as cloying as her smile, ¡°here in the Juban School District of Urbanopolis, we don¡¯t believe in simply teaching to test. We prefer to form and instruct the whole person.¡± Jake replied with a nervous chuckle as he rubbed the back of his neck. ¡°That¡¯s too bad. I left half of myself at home.¡± Mrs. Pasternak didn¡¯t laugh. The strained grin slid from Jake¡¯s face. ¡°Mr. Blatowski, school is not just about memorizing information. It is also about learning the skills necessary to interact with your peers as a competent individual. If you skipped fifth grade, you also skipped vital socialization during an important stage of your physical and psychological development.¡± ¡°Even worse, I would have missed that nasty hygiene video.¡± Now Mrs. Pasternak¡¯s hideously made-up mouth turned down in a harsh frown. Jake swallowed a lump. ¡°My point is this, Mr. Blatowski: you cannot enter high school until you demonstrate that you¡¯ve been through fifth grade.¡± ¡°I have been.¡± ¡°But it¡¯s not in the computer, so it may as well have never happened. I¡¯m sorry, but my decision is final.¡± Jake¡¯s heart pounded, and sweat formed under his collar, which suddenly felt too tight. ¡°But if you won¡¯t let me test out of it, what in the world do I do?¡±
¡°Students, I want you to give a warm welcome to your new classmate.¡± Miss Percy, a pretty if mousy young teacher with thick horn-rimmed glasses, gestured toward Jake as the students filling the desks stared at him with open mouths. Jake pondered for a moment. He had never realized just how small kids were at this age. The class erupted into chatter and squeals of high-pitched laughter. Miss Percy waved a piece of chalk in the air and demanded quiet. Trying to ignore the pandemonium, Jake slouched at the front of the room, hands deep in his pockets as he stared down at the chipped tile floor. They were only kids, but their derisive laughter got to him anyway. He no longer had his new suit. Now he wore a blue waistcoat and bowtie. In place of his manly trousers, he wore ridiculous blue plaid shorts that looked like pajama bottoms, beneath which he covered his hairy calves with knee socks. To add insult to this injury, the elementary school uniform came complete with a beanie cap of the same blue plaid. This is not happening. This can¡¯t be happening. In a few minutes, my alarm will go off, I¡¯ll wake up, and I¡¯ll go to high school¡ª ¡°Mr. Blatowski,¡± Miss Percy said sweetly, having turned back to him without restoring order, ¡°I believe there¡¯s an empty seat right back there¡ªnext to Dana Volt.¡± She pointed toward the back where one girl didn¡¯t laugh or talk or make a scene, but instead stared out the window. At the sound of her name, she turned her head, appraised Jake, and let her lip curl in a sneer that looked unnatural on a face so young. Her green eyes remained locked on his face as he walked toward her. She was probably of average height, but Jake had sprouted early, ended up tall, and at fourteen had nearly stopped growing. He doubted she¡¯d rise much above his waist if she stood. She had tangled red hair that hung to her lower back. She appeared frail, perhaps due to her skin, which was pale enough to look sickly, though a splash of freckles across the bridge of her nose somewhat mitigated that impression. Like the other girls in the class, she wore a pleated, red plaid skirt with matching hairband, but she apparently considered herself a rebel, as she wore her creased shirt untucked and her waistcoat unbuttoned. Her bowtie hung around her collar, untied. Jutting from that collar were six safety pins, and she wore a choker from which dangled a small crucifix. School rules forbade jewelry, but some kids found ways to bend the rules: safety pins weren¡¯t jewelry, and she could claim the crucifix was for religious reasons. The author''s narrative has been misappropriated; report any instances of this story on Amazon. A large, blue pen of cheap-looking plastic protruded from her breast pocket. Jake found that odd: he associated pens in pockets with nerds rather than punks, but perhaps fashions had changed since he¡¯d last been in elementary school, or perhaps the pen was merely another way of ornamenting her clothes without falling afoul of the school¡¯s guidelines. Back when he was her age, he might have thought her cool or intimidating. Now he thought her silly, a child play-acting at a child¡¯s idea of toughness. She would have been cute if it weren¡¯t for the hard glare and the curling lip. Those didn¡¯t look like an act. When he found the empty desk beside her, he slid back the tiny chair and gingerly sat. His knobby knees stuck up, and the chair¡¯s hard seat pressed against his tailbone. Sitting in this awkward position would no doubt be agonizing after a few hours. Dana¡¯s intense eyes remained on him. After half a minute, he turned to her and said, ¡°Have I got somethin¡¯ on my face?¡± ¡°Yeah,¡± she replied in a quiet voice. ¡°Ugly.¡± Oh, I can tell she¡¯s gonna be a barrel of laughs.
The day went much as expected. The subjects, being ones he¡¯d covered before, were a bore, and the childish way in which Miss Percy taught them was insulting. He reviewed sentence-diagramming and basic algebra. Grammar had never been his strong suit, so he discovered to his embarrassment that diagramming sentences was still as difficult as he remembered. The algebra he rather liked, but it reminded him that he had planned to start calculus this year. The science class, which was chemistry, was amusing, but still too basic: it was an introductory explanation of electrons with no hands-on activity. While the teacher showed on the blackboard how to surround an elemental symbol with dots to represent an electron shell, he glanced at Dana. She had stared out the window during the other lessons, but now she leaned forward, bright eyes devouring the writing on the board as she sucked the end of her blue pen. Science was apparently her favorite subject. During breaks, or when he went to the toilet (he had to raise his hand to get a hall pass), children peered at him around corners. They gawped and giggled. When he looked their way, they scattered, stomping their feet as they ran. Oh, yeah. I¡¯m sure this is absolutely vital to my ¡°development.¡± Recess was the worst. The school was a one-story brick building, L-shaped, with a large playground tucked against its inside corner. Other kids played on swings and slides or ran around. Some kicked a soccer ball in the field. Girls played wall ball or tetherball. A high cyclone fence surrounded an outdoor half basketball court, and Jake thought about grabbing a basketball and shooting some hoops¡ªbut a gaggle of first-graders was using the court for a dodgeball game. He leaned against a wall of the school, thrust his hands into pockets, and watched. He contemplated leaving the school to grab a coffee at a nearby caf¨¦, but, of course, elementary students were not allowed to leave the grounds. He noticed Dana. The playground equipment stood in a square of woodchips, and long, rough-cut logs surrounded the square. While other children ran about and whooped and hollered, Dana, holding her hands out for balance, quietly walked back and forth on one of the logs. She kept her eyes down. She spoke to no one, and no one spoke to her. Wondering if he could call his girlfriend, he dug out his cell phone and looked at the time. Nah, she¡¯s probably in class¡ª ¡°I¡¯ll take that, Mr. Blatowski.¡± Miss Percy stood in front of him, eyes stern behind round glasses. She held out one soft hand, palm up. He pushed off from the wall, and she backed up a step. She clearly wasn¡¯t used to having students taller than herself. ¡°Excuse me?¡± ¡°The phone,¡± she said. ¡°That¡¯s not allowed.¡± ¡°High-schoolers can have phones if we keep them turned off in class.¡± ¡°This isn¡¯t a high school, Mr. Blatowski.¡± ¡°But¡ª¡± ¡°No buts. You follow the same rules as everyone else.¡± She swallowed and trembled slightly, but kept her hand out. With a sigh, he gave her the phone. ¡°Fine. Can I get it after school?¡± ¡°Confiscated items cease to be your property.¡± ¡°What?¡± She scurried away and sought refuge behind the building¡¯s metal fire doors. He pounded a fist against the brick wall. I really, really hate this place.
All of this might have been tolerable if it weren¡¯t for Dana. Apparently, she had no friends, but Dana had found in Jake someone more of a misfit than herself, and she clearly meant to exploit it. The other kids were afraid of Jake. They pointed and giggled and yelled taunts from down the hall or across the playground, but they ran like mad when he came their way. Although hardly heavyset, he was tall for a boy his age, and to grade-schoolers, he must have looked huge. They mocked him only when they were out of the range of his arms. Dana, however, didn¡¯t care. Her pretty face set in a permanent glare, she took it upon herself to torment him. Whenever she found him looking her way, she stuck her tongue out. When he stooped low to use a drinking fountain in the hall, she walked by him and slapped the back of his head to knock him off balance and send his nose into the water stream. In the lunchroom, as he walked toward a table with his meager portion of some unrecognizable noodle dish, she stuck a finger under the corner of his tray to upend it. After lunch ended and he returned to the classroom, she pulled his chair out from under him when he sat, causing him to spread-eagle on the floor. That sent the class into a new fit of laughter. As he grabbed his chair and put it back in its place, he leaned toward her and hissed, ¡°What in the name of the Moon Princess is your problem?¡± ¡°You.¡± That was all she said. He had never realized before how easy he was to torment. She was a child. He could easily pick her up and throw her across the room¡ªbut he wouldn¡¯t. He wasn¡¯t that kind of guy. He wasn¡¯t the kind of guy to snitch on a little kid to the teacher, either. What could he do except endure? Is this my punishment, Moon Princess, for not believing in you? If so, you are one sick, sick wench.
At the end of the day, he nicked a basketball from the gym, went to the outdoor half-court, and let off some steam. He had some talent for basketball. He might have made varsity this year¡ªif he were in high school. Over and over, he practiced reverse layups, twisting his body and working up a sweat. Over and over, he felt a wave of satisfaction as the ball fell through the hoop. For the briefest moment, he forgot about grade school. More importantly, he forgot about Dana Volt. Except she was back to poke the hornets¡¯ nest one more time. Jake didn¡¯t know when she appeared, but after the umpteenth successful layup, he found her watching him, her tiny fingers sticking through the cyclone fence. ¡°You¡¯re stupid,¡± she said. ¡°You suck.¡± A quick glance revealed no teachers in the vicinity. ¡°That¡¯s it.¡± Jake slammed the ball hard into the ground. The noise echoed off the school walls, and the ball bounced high into the air. Dana let go of the fence and jumped back. For a moment, her green eyes went wide; a deer-in-the-headlights look replaced her customary glare. But then she remembered the fence. Her glare returned, and she stuck out her tongue. ¡°C¡¯mere, you little brat.¡± He ran toward the gate. The fear returned to her eyes, and she turned to run. He slammed the gate open, and in a few quick steps he had her. He roughly grabbed her by one arm and instantly regretted it. Her arm was tiny, so small he could almost close his fingers around it. He was sure he must have bruised her. He loosened his grip, but he didn¡¯t let go. Dana released a few grunts and groans as she tried in vain to tug her arm from his grasp. Finally, she startled him with a scream: ¡°Rape! Raaaape!¡± Jake yanked her against his chest and clamped a hand over her mouth. ¡°You crazy kid, don¡¯t just go screaming something like¡ª¡± He looked up to see Miss Percy run out of the school building and yell incoherently as she crossed the playground. ¡°Ohhhh ... this looks bad, doesn¡¯t it?¡±
Jake got an earful from both Miss Percy and the thickset principal, Mr. Axness, who casually mentioned in the midst of his scolding that he had been a championship wrestler back in his day. To defend himself, Jake admitted that Dana had spent the day harassing him. Neither the teacher nor the principal betrayed a trace of sympathy. ¡°You are here only because you couldn¡¯t properly complete elementary school the first time,¡± Mr. Axness said, and Jake decided it was best not to correct this slander. ¡°You are a lot older, a lot bigger, and a lot stronger than the other students. If I hear word of you bullying any of the younger children ever again, I¡¯ll show you the move that got me these trophies.¡± He jerked a thumb over his shoulder at the bronze wrestler figurines lining the shelf behind him. ¡°Is that clear, Mr. Blatowski?¡± Jake swallowed a lump and, with it, his pride. ¡°Yes, Mr. Axness.¡± He said it in a whisper because he was afraid that, if he raised his voice, he¡¯d start crying. ¡°Yes, that¡¯s perfectly clear.¡± Fighting back tears and struggling to preserve whatever shred of dignity he had left, he walked out of the principal¡¯s office. In the hall, Dana Volt sat on the floor, her arms around her knees. He looked at her for a moment, but there was no emotion in his look. He had none left. When he turned away and walked toward the front doors, he heard the swish of cloth and the patter of her school slippers as Dana rose and followed him. In the foyer, he tried to ignore her as he slammed open his shoe locker, put his slippers away, and tied on his patent leather Oxfords. She replaced her slippers with a pair of Mary Janes. ¡°Are you going to jail?¡± she asked as she stood and brushed her hands down her skirt. ¡°I hope you go to jail for a really long time, and I hope some big guy with tattoos makes you his girlfriend.¡± ¡°A girl your age should not talk like that. What TV shows have you been watching?¡± ¡°Are you?¡± He rounded on her. He reached toward her collar, but before he touched her, he closed his eyes, mastered himself, and slowly dropped his hands to his sides. ¡°No, of course not. Why are you still here? Go home.¡± He smacked the crash bar on the glass front door and walked out into the sunlight. He didn¡¯t bother to hold the door for her. Still, she followed him. ¡°You¡¯re stupid,¡± she said from a few steps behind as he headed down the walk. ¡°Yeah, I must be. I¡¯m still in fifth grade. Go home, will you?¡± She bounced back and forth from one foot to another. Finally, she ran in front of him, yanked down one eyelid, and yelled, ¡°Beh!¡± Then she scampered off. One by one, Jake cracked his knuckles. ¡°That ... little ... brat!¡±
I am not a stalker. I just wanna know what makes the runt tick. As stealthily as he could, Jake followed Dana home. Steadily, never once looking back over her shoulder, she marched down the sidewalk, deeper into Urbanopolis. She followed a meandering road down out of the rolling hills. The bungalows with their lawns and trees and neat shrubbery gradually gave way to a jumble of brownstones and Art Deco apartment buildings, which formed a buffer zone of sorts between the wealthy, homogenized suburbs and the seedier but more colorful shared-wall nagaya and blockish danchi that filled the city¡¯s more heavily populated districts. Jake heard a faint, mechanical buzz. Dana put a hand to her breast pocket. Then she ran past a jumble of beat-up rubbish bins and into a narrow alley. Uh oh. It¡¯s not safe for a kid her age to jump into a place like that¡ª He tiptoed to the alley¡¯s entrance, pressed his back against the wall, leaned, and peeked in. Surrounded by strewn garbage, Dana took out her blue pen. She put it to her mouth and whispered, ¡°The moon shines her light on both good and bad.¡± What the heck? Is she talking to her pen? She paused a moment and then said, ¡°But the sun is a harsh mistress. What is it, boss?¡± Either listening to a voice coming from her pen or merely pretending, she nodded a few times. ¡°I can be there in two minutes. Over and out.¡± After she slipped the pen into her pocket, she lifted her right hand into the air. ¡°Shock my heart!¡± she shouted. As if he¡¯d drawn too close to a Van de Graaff generator, Jake¡¯s hair stood on end, and a tingling sensation pushed against his face. A bright light surrounded Dana as she floated into the air. Her uniform disappeared, but in its place, a gauzy, frilly blue skirt sprouted from her waist. Bands of light encircled her forearms and calves, and then those bands solidified into lace-edged vambraces and greaves of silver and gold. Another light shone from her torso and became a cuirass. White and blue streaks of electricity crackled around her and made metallic pings as they struck the rubbish bins. As her new outfit formed from thin air, Dana chanted, ¡°By the power of Zeus, Thor, and Raijin, release the energies within my soul!¡± A tiara of silver and gold, holding an amber stone, appeared on her brow. Her hair darkened from red to blue. It whipped around her face, but then pink ribbons appeared and tied it up into pigtails. Once her outfit was complete, she dropped back to the ground. Landing lithely on one foot, she crossed her arms before her chest and spun in a circle. ¡°Electrifying the world with love and friendship¡ªand making evildoers feel the wattage of justice!¡± She stopped spinning, but raised a hand to her head in the universal salute of the devotees of the Moon Princess: index and middle finger spread wide across the forehead, thumb pointed straight down. ¡°I,¡± she cried, ¡°am Magical Girl Pretty Dynamo!¡± Jake ducked back around the corner and slapped a hand to his mouth. Sweat dripped down his face. His other hand brushed one of the rubbish bins, and static electricity numbed his fingertips. Sweet ever-loving Moon Princess! That little twerp is a magical girl! Chapter 3: The Second Test Magical Girl Pretty Dynamo ran to the mouth of the alley as Jake hunkered behind the rubbish bins. Around her waist, above her poufy skirt, she wore a utility belt. From it, she pulled a blue rectangle with rounded corners, a gadget Jake at first assumed was a cell phone. Throwing it, she shouted, ¡°Circuit Board!¡± The rectangle hovered an inch above the ground and split in half. The two halves shot apart, leaving between them a sheet of what looked like blue-tinted glass full of shimmering gold circuitry. The two ends curled up to form a sort of narrow, futuristic snowboard. Dynamo leapt onto the board, kicked against the ground, and shot into the air, leaving a trail of blue glitter behind her. Down the alley, Jake spotted a rickety fire escape. He sprang toward it and leapt. Its bolts creaked and rattled ominously as he scrambled up six stories to the top of a cinder block apartment building, where he dragged himself onto the dilapidated roof. ¡°Oh my Princess,¡± he whispered. In the distance, Pretty Dynamo¡¯s contrail was a streak of sparkling blue. Behind her stretched a sky touched with coral where the sun made its downward trek toward the surface of the tranquil bay. But between the magical girl and the distant sun stood a monster: covered in green scales, at least twenty stories tall, it towered over the apartment buildings. On the ends of its arms, instead of hands or claws, it had wickedly curved swords of bright steel. That¡¯s at least a level seven. Is Pretty Dynamo up for that? What did Ralph say she had? Some kind of lightning bolt? For a few seconds, he marched back and forth on the tar-shingle roof as he nervously rubbed his hands over his neck in indecision. At last, he took off running: the next building was only a few feet away, and he was sure he could jump the gap. Criminey, if I don¡¯t do something, that little runt¡¯s gonna get herself killed! Jake had long muscles, endurance, and a light frame. He scrambled up ladders, sprinted across roofs, and picked his way between cell antennas. Even when the roofs were too widely separated to jump, he often found hastily constructed walkways of plywood or corrugated steel. Maneuvering through the city this way was easier than he expected: a lot of magical girls couldn¡¯t fly, so perhaps some of them had set up these makeshift bridges. He lost count of the buildings he crossed. So focused was he on finding his way across the rooftops that he forgot to keep track of the monster. He looked up to see it only five blocks away: lumbering down a broad avenue, it crushed cars and helpless, screaming citizens under its feet as it smacked its huge swords into the brick low-rises. Each building it struck crumbled to the ground in an enormous cloud of dust and made a sound like distant thunder as it fell. Holy Princess, it must be killing hundreds of people! Death by monster was common in Urbanopolis, but Jake usually only saw it on the news. Typically, he heard the police and fire truck sirens from a distance, as a lonely wail rising from the inner city. This was the first time he had seen a monster this size up close. Dozens of families must have been in each of those collapsed buildings¡ªmany dead, many buried alive. Pretty Dynamo zipped around the beast like an obnoxious fly. It swatted at her with a sword. Her faint voice reached Jake on the evening breeze as she shouted, ¡°Ball Lightning!¡± A sizzling sphere of white-hot energy shot from her hand and hit the monster in the chest. Its roar rose an octave, and the swing of its swords grew frantic. Yeah, she hurt it! She hurt it! Maybe she really can¡ª The monster opened its reptilian jaw. A red glow rose from its throat, and then it coughed up a huge sphere of what looked like molten lava. The sphere burst from the thing¡¯s mouth and arced through the air, trailing black smoke. Oh my Princess, it¡¯s got fiery hairballs! The glowing sludge struck the corner of the brownstone on which Jake stood. Heated air stung his eyes, and a sulfurous stench stung his nose. He turned to run, but the roof cracked with a sound like all the world tearing apart, tossing up splinters of wood and shingle. The previously flat roof tilted at a forty-five degree angle. Windmilling his arms, he slid backwards. Then the roof gave way completely. His life did not flash before his eyes. There wasn¡¯t time. There wasn¡¯t even time for a complete thought to cross his mind. He knew only that he was in the air and that he was about to die. Something hard smacked him in the ribs and took his breath away. His legs whipped out to one side, carried by inertia. He reached toward his stomach, and there his hands met something hard, round, and cold. He looked down to see Pretty Dynamo¡¯s left vambrace. She had grabbed him out of the air, and now she had him around his middle, holding him tucked under her arm like a football as she zipped up the street away from the monster. ¡°Baka!¡± she shouted. It took him a moment to process what was happening, but then he kicked his legs and yelled in fear. More fiery blobs, filling the air with their hot stink, flew past. ¡°Hold still! Hold still or I swear to the Princess I will drop you!¡± By twisting his legs, he turned his body in her grasp so that he faced her. Still yelling, he wrapped his arms around her waist. She rocked precariously on her Circuit Board as she dodged yet another sphere of flaming goo and banked hard to fly back toward the huge creature. She slapped him hard on the top of the head. ¡°Ecchi! Watch the hands!¡± He hadn¡¯t noticed before, but between her cuirass and her utility belt, her outfit left bare about four inches of her midriff, which, in mindless fear, he was now manhandling. His left hand slid across her belly, and he frowned when he realized she didn¡¯t have a navel; her stomach was completely smooth. She smacked him in the head again, harder this time. ¡°What are you doing?¡± he shouted. ¡°We gotta get closer to the monster!¡± she shouted back. ¡°What? Why?¡± Another glob shot by, whistling and crackling as it went. She jerked a thumb over her shoulder. ¡°So we¡¯re too close for it to shoot any more of that stuff, that¡¯s why! The more it focuses on us, the fewer people get killed!¡± ¡°We might get killed!¡± ¡°Better us than them!¡± She rubbed her knuckles into his scalp. ¡°Ya wanna stand on rooftops instead of going to a shelter? Then you can join me for this run!¡± She ramped up her speed and shot low, down to street level. The monster faced them squarely, flexed its biceps, and vomited more lava blobs. Dynamo bobbed and weaved as the heavy lava overturned cars, dug deep pits into the pavement, shattered storefronts, and crushed unlucky bystanders. Two circular discs detached from her tiara, turned transparent, and lowered over her eyes. Rubber rings expanded from their undersides and sealed them against her face. Glasses? No, goggles! She zoomed straight between the monster¡¯s legs, but somersaulted backwards to dodge its swinging tail. Nausea rose in Jake¡¯s gut. He felt a muscle in his shoulder wrench. Oohh, I was never good with roller coasters¡ª She reached her right hand across her torso, and her fingers probed near his groin. ¡°Hey, whoa, whoa!¡± Jake yelled. ¡°You watch the hands!¡± ¡°Hentai!¡± she shrieked. Her fingers found what they were looking for: from her belt, she pulled her thick wand, the one with the heart and lightning on top. ¡°Thunder Bolt!¡± The wand changed shape. Its lower end bent down and morphed into a pistol grip. The rest of the wand flattened, and crosspieces shot from its sides. It looked vaguely like a crossbow. ¡°Zap it all,¡± she hissed between clenched teeth, ¡°where are you, Tesla?¡± Crouching low on her Circuit Board, Dynamo flew in around the monster¡¯s right side. She crossed its belly and dived under its left arm. With a loud buzz like a riled-up hornet, something flew past Jake¡¯s face. He turned his head to see a huge, brown beetle, as large as a cat, zipping around him and Dynamo. ¡°Yah! Another monster!¡± He flapped his arms. Dynamo slapped him again. ¡°Stop it! That¡¯s my familiar, you idiot! Tesla, where have you been?¡± The beetle hovered in front of her with wings flitting like mad. Perched before its bulbous compound eyes was a pair of glasses, which it adjusted with a forelimb. ¡°I came as quickly as I could ... good heavens, Dyna,¡± it said as it peered at Jake, ¡°do you know you have a stowaway?¡± ¡°Thanks, Tes. I noticed. How ¡¯bout you do your job?¡± ¡°Hmph. Calculating ...¡± The beetle put his forelimbs to the side of his head and squeezed his eyes shut. ¡°I believe thirty thousand amperes should do it.¡± He waved a limb over her crossbow. A little trapdoor opened in its top and disgorged a fletched bolt¡ªbut one with a thick cylinder immediately below its wickedly sharp point. Printed on the cylinder was a red line. Dynamo grinned. ¡°Thanks, Tes.¡± ¡°I¡¯m patching into your heads-up display, Dyna. Follow the crosshairs.¡± With a fresh burst of speed, Dynamo rose until she was above and to the monster¡¯s right. She turned sideways on the board and banked. Moving rapidly in a dizzying arc, so fast that Jake¡¯s vision turned gray at the edges as wind whistled through his teeth, she took aim and fired. With a hiss and a faint trail of blue glitter, the bolt shot down and lodged just behind the monster¡¯s right pectoral muscle. ¡°Boom,¡± she said, accompanied by a fist pump. Through the whole maneuver, Tesla kept pace, buzzing around Dynamo with the sudden twists and turns of an insect. ¡°Here comes the second,¡± he said. ¡°I¡¯m calculating to correct for the electromagnetic field of the first. Of course, it would help if you held still¡ª¡± ¡°Not gonna happen, Tes.¡± A new bolt arose from the crossbow¡¯s insides; on this one¡¯s cylinder was a red plus sign. Now Dynamo dived, and Jake¡¯s stomach lurched. He flailed his arms again and pulled his knees up against her back. ¡°Stop moving!¡± she yelled. ¡°Stop moving, you stupid¡ª!¡± She cut herself off and dropped twenty feet to duck the backhand swipe of the monster¡¯s swinging sword. It whistled past an inch above her head. ¡°My goodness!¡± Tesla cried. Jake groaned. ¡°Let me off! I don¡¯t care where, just let me off!¡± ¡°Shut up!¡± shouted Dynamo. The sword struck the front of another brick apartment complex. With a rumble, the wall disintegrated, though Jake noticed with some curiosity that some of the window frames kept their shapes as they fell. Dynamo drew close to the collapsing building¡ªtoo close. ¡°Here comes the fun part!¡± She whooped, spun in a corkscrew, and, with Tesla still flying orbits around her, shot in amongst the falling debris. With an intricate combination of ollies, corks, and half cabs, she weaved in and out amongst tumbling bricks and wooden beams. Jake squeezed his eyes shut and coughed as he choked on dust. At first, he assumed she was just hotdogging, but then he opened his eyes to see that much of the building was still intact: he was looking into apartments, now with only three walls, which filled the remaining structure like chambers in a honeycomb. Dynamo sped toward an elderly woman crouching and screaming in the corner of what used to be a kitchen. ¡°Almost,¡± Dynamo muttered, ¡°almost¡ª¡± With an enormous crash, the ceiling gave way. Wood and brick tumbled onto the hapless woman and buried her. A burst of blood, like ketchup from a dropped bottle, sprayed across the cheap linoleum floor. Jake¡¯s gorge rose. He was afraid he was going to be sick on Dynamo¡¯s skirt. ¡°Zap,¡± she hissed. It sounded like a curse word. She veered away from the collapsing building, back into the open air. What remained of the structure gave way, crumbling and tumbling like an avalanche. He looked up into her face. A moment before, she had worn a lopsided grin, the smile of an athlete or adventurer doing what she loved. Now her look was hard, the expression of a soldier doing what had to be done. He felt a twinge of relief. Dana was a weird, antisocial kid. Seeing her react to a horrific death¡ªeven if it wasn¡¯t the typical reaction of a little girl¡ªmade her more human. Help support creative writers by finding and reading their stories on the original site. Three tiny tots, each about five years old by her appearance, surrounded them. One wore a pink dress, one a blue, and one a yellow. Each had hair colored to match. They had rapidly fluttering butterfly wings on their backs. ¡°Magical Girl Bubble Princesses!¡± the pink one said sweetly as she circled Dynamo¡¯s head. ¡°About zappin¡¯ time I got some backup!¡± Dynamo shouted. ¡°Do you want help with the monster?¡± asked the blue one. ¡°That¡¯s under control. Start search and rescue. And send out the signal¡ªI want ambulance, I want fire, I want cops!¡± ¡°Want us to take him?¡± the yellow one asked, pointing at Jake. ¡°Nah.¡± Dynamo slapped the grip of her crossbow against his head. ¡°I¡¯m teachin¡¯ hero boy a lesson. Get a move on!¡± Once the Bubble Princesses sped away, Tesla sniffed. ¡°Amateurs.¡± ¡°Focus, Tes!¡± ¡°Yes, yes ... uh, follow the crosshairs.¡± She fired again, this time pointing the crossbow back over her shoulder. The bolt curved sharply in the air and headed toward the monster as if drawn by a magnet, at last lodging between two ribs on its left side. The monster squealed. I¡¯ve seen this before, Jake thought. It¡¯s like a defibrillator¡¯s pads ... is she trying to shock its heart? ¡°What completes the circuit?¡± he yelled. Her toothy grin returned. ¡°It¡¯s not a circuit!¡± Tesla adjusted his glasses. ¡°Young man, each bolt contains a supercharged carbon aerogel, around which is an insulator with high dielectric strength, so the monster¡¯s whole body becomes a capacitor once the negative and positive bolts are in place.¡± ¡°What?¡± Jake shouted. ¡°What does that mean?¡± Dynamo laughed. ¡°Next, I break down the insulators¡ªlike this!¡± She pressed a button on the side of her crossbow¡¯s grip. With a deafening crack of thunder, a bright light flashed across Jake¡¯s eyes. He sucked in his breath as the monster flailed its arms and smashed everything around into rubble. Dynamo went into a new set of deft maneuvers, and Jake went into a fresh bout of terrified screaming. Still, the creature lived. It wailed so loudly that Jake thought his eardrums would burst. Dynamo whistled. She again smacked him with her crossbow. ¡°Lightning in a can. Don¡¯t try that at home, kids.¡± ¡°It appears the charge was insufficient for a fibrillation, Dyna,¡± said Tesla. ¡°Do you want a second volley?¡± ¡°We¡¯re switchin¡¯ tactics, Tes.¡± Spinning in a tight corkscrew, she shot upward. As she did, her crossbow transformed back into a wand. The air grew colder, and soon they were passing through translucent clouds as wispy as the gauzy frills of a wedding dress lying against blue silk. Tesla said, ¡°I¡¯m bringing the plasma actuator online, Dyna.¡± Jake¡¯s teeth rattled. He looked down. Vertigo overwhelmed him as he saw all of Urbanopolis spread out below. The great skyscrapers near the bay gleamed like mirrors. The slums were burnt out and black. The wealthy suburbs shone like jewels in the forested hills. Directly below was a circle of devastation, like the aftermath of an earthquake. A wide grin broke across Dynamo¡¯s face, showing glaring white teeth. Her blue pigtails snapped in the wind like whips. ¡°You like to skydive?¡± she asked. ¡°Never done it¡ª¡± ¡°First time for everything.¡± She let him go. For a moment, Jake didn¡¯t scream. It took him a second to realize what was happening, but once it finally registered, the first words from his mouth were, ¡°You little brat!¡± Then the real screaming started. His voice, he realized, had a higher pitch than he liked. His scream was incoherent, but in his mind, he offered the first sincere prayer he had made since he was nine¡ª Sweet Moon Princess, I don¡¯t wanna die! He flailed, but that made it worse. He flipped end over end as the wind pummeled him. Spots appeared in his eyes. Everything faded in and out. Pretty Dynamo shot past. Her Circuit Board was gone. Her wand gripped in both hands, she pointed her arms straight down and cut through the air as if she were diving into a lake. Still keeping pace, Tesla zipped around her feet. As she streaked toward the ground, Jake heard her voice, carried upward on the wind: ¡°Lightning Rod!¡± Her wand unfolded into a long staff. The heart on its head split open to reveal a bright spear point. The ground was growing closer. The buildings reached up like fingers, the monster¡¯s gaping maw was just below. Dynamo drew her arm back and hurled the spear. The throw sent her flipping end over end, but she quickly corrected. The spear shot straight into the creature¡¯s mouth. Almost instantly, with a piercing death scream, the monster turned gray and crumbled, transforming into sand. Dynamo spread her arms and legs in a box man position. She tilted toward Jake, grabbed him around the middle, and matched his wild spin. She tossed the blue rectangle from her belt. ¡°Circuit Board!¡± The board, also spinning, unfolded. She caught it with her boots. She had one arm under Jake¡¯s shoulder blades and the other under his knees, holding him like a groom carrying his bride over the threshold. Another humiliation. If the Moon Princess wants to do this to me, why not just cut my balls off and get it over with? Still they hurtled toward the ground at breakneck speed. They shot past needle-tipped skyscrapers, between the brownstones, and down toward the street. Only a few feet above the asphalt, Dynamo leveled off and bent her knees like springs to absorb the shock of the sudden change in direction. She turned her board sideways and leaned back as if braking against invisible powder. A firetruck, siren and horn blaring, turned a corner and sped down the road toward them. Behind the windshield, horror filled the driver¡¯s face. The truck¡¯s tires squealed as they locked up. The world spun. Jake thought his head might snap from his neck as Dynamo leapt and twisted. She executed a perfect triple cork over the truck and landed behind its rear bumper. She banked hard and turned in an increasingly tight spiral in the street. At last, she was twirling in place like a figure skater. Then, finally, she mercifully came to a halt. Even after she stopped, the world spun. ¡°Ain¡¯t no thang,¡± she said. She dropped Jake to the ground. The asphalt banged his elbows and made his arms go numb. Tesla alighted on her shoulder, adjusted his spectacles, and crossed his forelimbs. His little antennae twitched, giving Jake the distinct impression that he was looking down his nose at him. Dynamo leaned down and stuck a finger in Jake¡¯s face. ¡°Hey, you. Are you zapping stupid? When you see a monster, you run away from it, not toward. Got it?¡± She waited. For a moment, he thought of answering, but then he noticed her upper right arm, the spot where he had grabbed her by the basketball court. He could see it, since her plates covered only her back, chest, forearms, and lower legs. This combination of armor and bare flesh made no sense to him, but nothing about the magical girls made sense. Printed into her pale skin were four purple bruises shaped like fingers. He reached out to touch them and found that they matched the spread of his hand. He mumbled, ¡°I¡¯m sorry.¡± Once again, that deer-in-the-headlights fear appeared in her green eyes. She looked different as Dynamo, and the way she talked was different. Her hair was a different color, and her freckles were gone. But it was definitely her. She had the same eyes. She slapped his hand away. ¡°Shut up. Did you hear what I said?¡± ¡°I heard.¡± She knocked the heel of her hand against his forehead. ¡°Then do it.¡± She turned around. As she did, Tesla sniffed and opened his shell to show Jake his bulbous rear end, which glowed a bright yellow. Oh, I get it. He¡¯s a lightning bug ... wait, did he just moon me? With Tesla buzzing around her shoulders, Dynamo sped off. She performed a double cork as she shot over the buildings and out of sight. In the next instant, reporters surrounded him. Flashbulbs left afterimages in his eyes, and microphones pressed against his face. Crowding him so he couldn¡¯t breathe, the reporters shouted questions over one another. ¡°How does it feel to be saved by Pretty Dynamo?¡± ¡°Did you see the monster?¡± ¡°What¡¯s your relationship to Pretty Dynamo?¡± ¡°How would you describe the monster?¡± ¡°Did you see any of Dynamo¡¯s signature moves?¡± Jake¡¯s head swam. His vision blurred. He rose to his knees, but then fell forward onto his hands. He thought for a moment that he might kiss the earth in gratitude. He threw up instead.
In the chamber of her witch-seer, the Dark Queen paced and brooded. In her hand, she held a glass of rich red wine. She swirled it and stared at her own reflection in its blood-red surface as if she meant to scry the answers to her dilemma. Matilda the witch waved a gnarled, clawed hand over her computer console and coaxed it with arcane spells to reveal the secrets for which her mistress thirsted. ¡°Dynamo,¡± the Queen muttered. ¡°Now she¡¯s even killed Bigassica, one of my most powerful monsters. Fah! If it were not for that accursed Pretty Dynamo, Urbanopolis would already lie in ruins, its magical girls butchered and its last surviving inhabitants serving as my slaves or as food for my servants!¡± She sipped her wine and rolled it in her mouth. ¡°Urbanopolis is the last barrier between us and the Moon Kingdom. As long as that city stands, we cannot take our war into heaven.¡± ¡°See here,¡± Matilda rasped. She had a voice like the croak of an old toad. ¡°Perhaps this is the answer.¡± She had tapped into the city¡¯s news footage. After every monster attack, reporters swarmed like locusts and then gleefully broadcast images of the devastation. Here, some cameraman had zoomed in on Pretty Dynamo as she bent over a wiry teenage boy with unkempt hair. Dynamo stuck a finger in his face. The Queen took another sip. ¡°What is this? Do you show me my enemy to mock me, crone?¡± ¡°No, Your Darkness!¡± Matilda gasped. ¡°See the boy! Look closely!¡± The Queen peered at him for a moment and snorted. ¡°That skinny, unremarkable youth would hardly even serve as one of my harem slaves. Perhaps I¡¯d make a eunuch of him and put him to work in the salt mines.¡± ¡°Ah, Your Darkness, forgive me¡ª¡± ¡°Although, on the other hand, he is kind of cute.¡± ¡°Um ... Your Darkness, look more closely still. Watch his hand. Watch his eyes.¡± Matilda waved her gnarled claws over her machine. The image on the screen came to life. The boy moved his hand toward Dynamo¡¯s arm, and their eyes met. Dynamo¡¯s hard expression slipped away. ¡°Freeze,¡± the Queen said, and Matilda obeyed. The image hovered in space above the console. In it, the boy¡¯s fingers almost touched Dynamo. It was very nearly a caress. The Queen took another, deeper drink, and a mirthless grin formed on her mouth. ¡°They know each other.¡± ¡°Indeed, Your Darkness.¡± Matilda ran a purple tongue over her scabby lips. ¡°I daresay they know each other ... and I daresay they are more than friends.¡± The Queen laughed. ¡°This is the girl who once said on citywide television that all boys are dumb.¡± ¡°Ah, but she is of the age when such opinions change.¡± Again the Queen stared into her glass as she swirled the wine. ¡°He looks too old for her¡ª¡± ¡°But it is not strange for a young girl to develop a crush on an older boy. Nor is it strange for a teenage boy to become starry-eyed over a magical girl.¡± ¡°Hm.¡± The Queen took another drink. ¡°Very well, Matilda. Let us test this theory. Find the boy. I want his name. I want his address. And then ... I want him to feel pain!¡± On this final word, she crushed the cup in her hand, sending wine and shards of glass spraying around the room. Matilda turned to the Queen, a questioning look in her eyes. ¡°Also,¡± the Queen said after a faint clearing of the throat, ¡°get me a plaster or something. I think I just cut myself.¡± Chapter 4: No Love Lost As the sun turned red and slowly set over the bay, it softened the scene of death and destruction with rich hues of rose and violet. With knees trembling, and with dried tears still on his cheeks, Jake slumped under a canopy that the emergency aid workers had erected. A thick, sharp smell, like lead solder, hung on the air, but every once in a while he caught the smell of blood, which made his stomach lurch. A low chatter surrounded him, and people frequently brushed past. First-responders and paramedics treated those with minor injuries. Ambulances, one after another, carried away the seriously harmed. Out in the street, in neat rows, lay the less fortunate, with sheets over their faces. A tall girl, perhaps sixteen, leaned over him with a Styrofoam cup of hot coffee in her hand. She was slender, and she wore her silver hair in a short boy cut. The strange hair was a clue, but the green gown fringed with bells gave it away. ¡°You¡¯re a magical girl,¡± he said. ¡°I¡¯m Grease Pencil Marionette. Pleased to meet you.¡± He nodded wearily and took the coffee. ¡°I¡¯ve heard of you. Didn¡¯t some mad scientist build you or something?¡± ¡°You mean my father?¡± He lowered his eyes. ¡°Sorry.¡± She hunkered down beside him with a cup of her own. ¡°It¡¯s okay. They tell me he was quite the eccentric, even if he wasn¡¯t exactly mad.¡± She swept a hand toward the shattered buildings and the gray piles of masonry surrounding them. ¡°He had a dream, a dream of a future in which an army of robots would protect the city. That way, young girls, even if they developed magic powers, could go on living normal lives.¡± She sipped her coffee. ¡°Of course, he died when he activated me, and his notes burned.¡± He glanced at her. It would have been easy to mistake her for a little boy if it weren¡¯t for her height. A faint smile dimpled her round cheeks, but her mouth was tight at the corners. Her gray eyes peered intently at his face. He looked away. Down the street, the hovering Bubble Princesses waved their wands in the air. As they did, huge soap bubbles appeared around chunks of masonry and lifted them. On the ground, ordinary men and women, some firemen and some volunteers, dug at the rubble with shovels and picks. Several backhoes worked as well. ¡°Should I help?¡± Jake asked. ¡°Right now, after what you went through, you should rest. You might be more rattled than you realize. Do you want a blanket?¡± He shook his head and drank his coffee. His hands shook. His fingers felt so weak, he was afraid he might drop the cup. ¡°You know Pretty Dynamo,¡± Marionette said. He thought for a moment. ¡°I just met her today.¡± Her smile took on a hint of mischievous amusement. ¡°I¡¯ve seen her rescue a lot of people, but you¡¯re the first one she¡¯s carried around with her while she fought.¡± ¡°She told those Bubble Princesses she was teaching me a lesson.¡± ¡°Was that her excuse?¡± He cleared his throat. ¡°Where is she, anyway?¡± ¡°Oh, she never sticks around once the killing¡¯s done, but we don¡¯t begrudge it. She¡¯s the best. She¡¯s holding this city together, you know.¡± ¡°No, I didn¡¯t know.¡± She took a long pull on her coffee. ¡°Most magical girls lose their powers when they turn eighteen. But I don¡¯t age. I¡¯ve been around a while. I even knew the Moon Princess before she ascended.¡± ¡°Are you really a robot? You don¡¯t seem like it.¡± ¡°Oh, yes. I am. To make me like a real magical girl, my father had to fill me with hopes and desires I could never fulfill. I¡¯d like to grow up, to have a family.¡± Her eyes grew distant, and her smile faded. ¡°To be an artist. I can¡¯t do any of those sorts of things, but I like to see the other girls do them¡ªwhen they can. A lot of them have a hard time living normal lives once all this is over.¡± She tipped her head back and poured the rest of her coffee down her throat. ¡°It¡¯s always the best ones,¡± she said as she threw her cup away. ¡°It¡¯s always the best ones who have trouble. I¡¯ve watched Dynamo: she doesn¡¯t have any friends among the magical girls, and it makes me wonder if her alter ego has any friends either.¡± Jake swirled his coffee in his cup and thought about Dana Volt, her hard eyes staring out the window while the rest of the class laughed. ¡°I¡¯ve seen it before,¡± said Marionette. ¡°If things don¡¯t change, in fifteen years, the girl who used to be Pretty Dynamo is going to be in and out of drug rehab.¡± He watched the Bubble Princesses again, just to have something to look at aside from his coffee and Marionette¡¯s face. ¡°Why would you tell me this? I¡¯m just a teenage boy. Are you trying to destroy all my illusions about magical girls?¡± ¡°I might be a robot, but I can read people. You don¡¯t have any illusions.¡± She put a hand on his knee. Her fingers were warm. They felt entirely real. ¡°She has great power, but in the end, she¡¯s just as fragile, just as vulnerable, as any other little girl. I won¡¯t ask how well you know her because I know you¡¯d want to protect her identity. But do me one favor: if you do know her, if you know who she is¡ª¡± He turned toward her again. Her eyes bored into his. ¡°¡ªIf you know who she is, then watch out for her.¡± At that, Grease Pencil Marionette stood and walked away.
It was well after dark when Jake made it home. As soon as he stepped through the front door, his mother grabbed him fiercely. ¡°Where have you been? Why didn¡¯t you call me?¡± ¡°You¡¯re all over the news, boy,¡± his father said from the couch. ¡°What?¡± The lights were off, but the television was on. It filled the room with a flickering glow. On the screen, Pretty Dynamo bent over Jake and stuck a finger in his face. Then the video looped, and she did it again. The image cut to a scene of Jake throwing up on the pavement. Oh, this is just what I need¡ª A female reporter¡¯s chipper voice intoned, ¡°Who is the mysterious boy who accompanied Magical Girl Pretty Dynamo during her heroic battle with the city¡¯s latest monster, a level-nine kaiju? Why did Dynamo carry him throughout the fight?¡± ¡°Oh my Princess,¡± Jake whispered. ¡°What were you doing downtown?¡± his father asked. ¡°I ... I just went for a walk, I guess.¡± ¡°You can¡¯t do that!¡± his mother cried as she grasped his vest and tugged on him. ¡°Not with all the monsters! Why didn¡¯t you call me?¡± She pulled him close and held him tight, as if afraid he¡¯d disappear. ¡°My teacher took my phone¡ª¡± ¡°She what?¡± ¡°Yeah¡ª¡± ¡°That¡¯s it! I¡¯m calling the school!¡± She marched toward the wall phone near the kitchen. ¡°Mom, there¡¯s nobody there now¡ª¡± ¡°Then I¡¯ll call in the morning! ¡°Don¡¯t make a scene, please.¡± ¡°They can¡¯t take your phone! Your mother needs to be able to call you to make sure you¡¯re safe!¡± Jake sighed and dropped onto the sofa. ¡°Well,¡± said his father. His eyes were invisible behind his thick lenses, which reflected the television¡¯s image of Jake losing his lunch. ¡°I assume your opinion of magical girls has changed significantly.¡± ¡°Not really,¡± Jake replied as he threw an arm over the back of the couch. ¡°Pretty Dynamo¡¯s kind of a jackass.¡±
Morning came, to Jake¡¯s disgust. While the sunlight peeked like a creepy neighbor through his bedroom window, he groaned loudly, rolled out of bed, and climbed into the crumpled remains of his elementary school uniform. He had lost the blue beanie cap sometime during the evening before¡ªthank the Princess for small favors. When he stumbled down the stairs, his mother was bustling over breakfast. His father was once again glued to the morning news. The weather was warm, so the front door was open, and Ralph walked in with a newspaper tucked under his arm. ¡°Good morning, Mr. and Mrs. Blatowski. Mm, something smells good¡ª¡± ¡°There¡¯s enough for you to have some,¡± Jake¡¯s mother said as she delivered eggs and sausage to Jake¡¯s plate. ¡°Hey, don¡¯t mind if I do.¡± Ralph dropped onto the stool beside Jake at the breakfast bar. ¡°How¡¯s the return to fifth grade going?¡± ¡°Shut up,¡± said Jake. ¡°I¡¯ll see the superintendent today,¡± said his mother. ¡°I¡¯m getting you into high school, and I¡¯m getting your phone back. This is all ridiculous!¡± Jake took up his fork and picked at his eggs. He hadn¡¯t been able to get down dinner the night before, and though his knees were weak and his stomach felt hollow, he still couldn¡¯t work up an appetite. Ralph reached an arm around his shoulders. ¡°Hey, Ralph, we¡¯re close, but we¡¯re not that close.¡± ¡°Dude, I¡¯m sorry, but I just wanted to touch the man who touched Pretty Dynamo.¡± ¡°Excuse me?¡± Ralph unfurled his paper. There, on the front page, was a picture of Jake spewing stroganoff in the middle of the street. The bold headline announced, ¡°PRETTY DYNAMO RESCUES BARFING BOY.¡± Jake pushed his plate away and lowered his head to the countertop. ¡°I officially hate my life.¡± The phone rang. Looking for a distraction, he leaned over and picked it up. ¡°Hello?¡± ¡°Jake? Jake! Is that you?¡± ¡°Oh, hey, Chelsea¡ª¡± ¡°Like, OMP! I have been, like, calling your frickin¡¯ phone all frickin¡¯ morning! Where the frick are you?¡± ¡°Home, obviously.¡± ¡°Why didn¡¯t you pick up your frickin¡¯ cell?¡± ¡°A teacher took my phone¡ª¡± ¡°She took your phone? OMP! Seriously? That is, like, totally fascist!¡± ¡°Yeah¡ª¡± ¡°I can¡¯t frickin¡¯ believe you went back to frickin¡¯ grade school! I thought I could tell everybody I had a high school boyfriend, but now you¡¯re in frickin¡¯ fifth grade? Do you want my girlfriends to laugh at me? I can¡¯t tell ¡¯em I¡¯m dating a fifth-grader! That¡¯s, like, totally gross!¡± ¡°Uh¡ª¡± Chelsea¡¯s voice rose an octave. ¡°And what the frick is up with you and Pretty Dynamo? Are you, like, dumping me for her?¡± ¡°What? What in the world are you¡ª?¡± ¡°It¡¯s on page six,¡± said Ralph. He opened the paper to display another headline: ¡°PRETTY DYNAMO AND BARFING BOY: IS DYNABARF THE NEW POWER COUPLE?¡± ¡°Yep,¡± said Jake, ¡°I definitely hate my life.¡± ¡°Well?¡± yelled Chelsea. ¡°Explain yourself!¡± ¡°Chelsea, honey, I¡¯m obviously not dating Pretty Dynamo¡ª¡± ¡°You better not be,¡± Chelsea shrieked, ¡°because I ship her with Sword Seamstress!¡± She slammed the phone down. Jake winced. ¡°Wow,¡± said Ralph. ¡°Yeah.¡± ¡°The Dynamo with the Seamstress?¡± Ralph clapped a hand to his face. ¡°I think I¡¯m getting a nosebleed¡ª¡± ¡°Dude, what is wrong with you?¡± ¡°Think about it: if Sword Seamstress gets with Pretty Dynamo, they¡¯ll be DynaSword.¡± ¡°Is everyone in this city crazy except me?¡± Jake¡¯s mother slid a plate in front of Ralph. ¡°Here you go!¡± she sang. ¡°You¡¯re the best, Mrs. B. Ooh, over medium, just the way I like ¡¯em.¡±
When Jake slunk into the classroom, most of the other students were already there. Dana stared out the window, chin on hand. Man, sitting next to her is going to be awkward today¡ª He didn¡¯t make it to his seat. As soon as he stepped through the door, the class was in an uproar. Chattering fifth-grade girls surrounded him, their eyes shining and their loud voices occasionally spiking out of the audible range. They pushed and shoved one another as they shouted. ¡°Jake!¡± ¡°Jake, you¡¯re so cool!¡± ¡°I thought you were a total loser, but you¡¯re actually awesome!¡± ¡°You met Pretty Dynamo!¡± ¡°Are you seriously going out with her?¡± ¡°Did you seriously barf on her?¡± ¡°Can you get me her autograph?¡± ¡°Can we meet her?¡± ¡°What¡¯s she like?¡± If you stumble upon this narrative on Amazon, be aware that it has been stolen from Royal Road. Please report it. He staggered back. ¡°Whoa, hey!¡± Twenty eager pairs of eyes stared up at him. ¡°Well, I mean, she¡¯s¡ª¡± He looked across the room. Dana still sat at her desk, still stared out the window. She hadn¡¯t turned around. ¡°She¡¯s okay, I guess.¡± The children¡¯s faces fell. A few lips quivered. A lump formed in Jake''s throat. He coughed into his fist. ¡°I mean, y¡¯know. She¡¯s a magical girl. Embodiment of the power of love and all that.¡± Two of the students, a blond girl and a dark-haired girl with a pink bow in her hair, gasped simultaneously. Rapturous grins appeared on their faces. They turned toward each other, clasped hands, bent at the knees, and squealed. Unfamiliar with the complex symbolism of feminine body language, Jake merely frowned. ¡°Oh my Princess,¡± the dark-haired girl cried, ¡°you two are totally going out!¡± ¡°What?¡± ¡°OMP!¡± shrieked the blonde. ¡°I can¡¯t believe we share a class with Pretty Dynamo¡¯s boyfriend!¡± Jake scratched his head for a moment, but then a small smile formed on his mouth. Heh. Kids. Yeah, I remember this stuff. Do they still sing the ¡°sittin¡¯ in a tree¡± song? How did that go? First comes love, then comes marriage¡ª A fat boy with dark circles around his eyes pushed his way through the girls. ¡°Hey, Jake, when ya gonna get ¡¯er pregnant so she can go on welfare?¡± Kids these days ... Jake started when Miss Percy¡¯s voice came from directly behind. ¡°Sit down! Everyone! Class is beginning!¡± Desks clattered and scraped across the floor as children flew to them and dropped into their seats. Jake cautiously sat beside Dana. She kept her eyes firmly affixed to the window. Why is she always staring outside? Is she just bored? Is she looking for escape? He turned to Miss Percy, who led the class in the morning prayer to the Moon Princess. Even though his eyes were on the teacher, his thoughts stayed on Dana. Now that he¡¯d seen her as a magical girl, he couldn¡¯t help but think how tiny she looked in this form. Dynamo had a presence, an energy, that Dana decidedly didn¡¯t have. Maybe they¡¯re not really the same¡ª Jake mumbled his way through the prayer¡¯s responses. Miss Percy read off various rote intercessions such as ¡°May the Princess keep us¡± and ¡°May she protect us from all harm¡± and ¡°May her kingdom come.¡± To each, the children replied with the standard ¡°May it be so.¡± Dana kept silent. She wore a crucifix, so perhaps she claimed an exemption. Devotion to the Moon Princess was the official religion of man¡¯s last city, but vestiges of other religions remained. At the end of the prayer, Jake and most of the other students raised their right hands to their foreheads, index and middle fingers spread, thumb pointed down. It was the same gesture Dynamo had made when she transformed. If Pretty Dynamo follows the Princess, why doesn¡¯t Dana Volt pray? As Miss Percy started yet another lesson on sentence diagramming, Jake doodled in his notebook. At first, he drew diamonds and connected them to form cubes. But then he found himself writing out words in thick block letters: ¡°I know who you are.¡± He stared at the words for half a minute. He carefully tore the paper around them, folded the paper up into a tiny square, and tossed the square onto Dana¡¯s desk. She finally stirred. After turning from the window, she picked up the paper and read it. Her sour expression didn¡¯t so much as budge. She wrote on the back, folded it up again, and tossed it to him. He opened it. Inside, in a childish scrawl, it read, ¡°Your stupid.¡± He blinked. My stupid what? He ripped up another part of the page and wrote, ¡°I saw you transform.¡± A fresh lump formed in his throat, and his fingers trembled around the scrap of paper. At last, with teeth clenched in determination, he folded it over. He was about to toss it toward Dana¡¯s desk, but a hand reached out and seized his wrist. He looked up to find Miss Percy standing over him. ¡°And what is this?¡± she demanded. ¡°Something you can share with the whole class, I hope?¡± Uh oh. He glanced at Dana. Now her bored, sour look was gone, and that look of intense fear was back. He wouldn¡¯t have thought it possible, but she actually turned paler. Miss Percy opened the square of paper and scanned it. Her eyes widened briefly before returning to stern disapproval. ¡°Hmph.¡± She slapped the paper down on his desk. ¡°I suggest, Mr. Blatowski, that you save your love notes until after school!¡± The class erupted into fresh laughter. Most of the students doubled over, guffawing, but Jake looked around to see that the little black-haired girl with the pink bow was glowering, arms crossed over her chest. Dana turned crimson, but underneath the embarrassment, she looked relieved. Jake picked up the paper and, as discreetly as he could, slipped it into his mouth. It was disgusting, but he swallowed it. Man, I seriously screwed up.
Morning recess came. Jake leaned against the wall as the kids played soccer or swung on the swings or simply ran around. He thought again about sneaking off campus to get a cup of joe, and he thought again about practicing basketball, but third-graders were using the court to play some rough variant of tag, and he doubted he could escape the watchful eye of the teacher on recess duty if he tried to slip from the school grounds. The dark-haired girl with the pink bow walked up to him slowly while repeatedly interlacing and then separating her fingers. Her eyes fixed him with an intense if childish glare. Jake turned toward her, but the blonde ran up and grabbed her. ¡°Rikka! Come play tetherball with me!¡± ¡°Okay, Janice.¡± Rikka held Janice¡¯s hand and ran with her toward the tetherball pole on the far side of the playground, but looked over her shoulder several times as she went.
Dana left him alone. The day was uneventful and dull, but free of harassment. At the end of it, Miss Percy, visibly trembling, ordered him to stay after class. Once the other students had filed out, the room was strangely empty and quiet. As it was late in the afternoon, the sun no longer poured through the windows, and the light from outside seemed wan and enervated. Jake gingerly sat on one corner of his desk. Sitting lowered his head to Miss Percy¡¯s level, and being able to look straight into his eyes apparently emboldened her. She cleared her throat and, apparently steeling herself, threw her shoulders back. ¡°How did the rest of it go?¡± she asked. He frowned. ¡°The rest of what?¡± ¡°¡®I saw you transform.¡¯¡± She held his gaze for half a minute while the words hung on the air. Forcing a sickly smile onto her mouth and raising a hand, she added, ¡°¡®Into a beautiful flower,¡¯ something like that? Mr. Blatowski, I know you are in the throes of puberty, but this is an elementary school. You may be only three to four years older than your classmates, but that¡¯s a significant gap at your age.¡± Jake blinked. Holy Princess, she actually doesn¡¯t get it. He scratched the back of his neck and did his best to look sheepish. ¡°Golly, you¡¯re right, Miss Percy. I guess I forgot myself.¡± Ugh. Dana, don¡¯t ever say I never did anything for you¡ª ¡°Mr. Blatowski, let me remind you that this is the second time in two days that I¡¯ve caught you in inappropriate conduct¡ªwith the same girl, I might add. I realize you¡¯re a young boy, and I realize redheads are a rare sight in this day and age, but that¡¯s no excuse for your lack of restraint.¡± He clenched both his fists and his teeth, but managed to keep his voice even. ¡°I¡¯m really sorry.¡± ¡°I should hope so. If this continues, we will be forced to contact your parents¡ªand external authorities. Is that clear?¡± ¡°Yes, ma¡¯am.¡± ¡°Good.¡±
Darn it. Now my teacher thinks I¡¯m some kind of sexual freak. Tears in his eyes, he headed for the gym to steal another basketball and take out his frustrations on the court. It was better than taking out his frustrations on Dana¡¯s skull, which is what he really wanted. The gym was dark, but even from across the way, he could see a tiny figure standing sentry in front of the equipment cupboard. When he drew close, he discovered, of course, that it was Dana Volt. She stood with her arms crossed and her intense green eyes half-lidded in a sullen glower. ¡°Out of the way, twerp, or I swear to the Princess I¡¯ll run you down.¡± He stepped up his pace to a brisk half-jog. She spun and threw open the cupboard¡¯s double doors. Then she ran at him, her Mary Janes clopping against the hardwood. He stopped in surprise just as she slammed the top of her head into the pit of his stomach. With a whoof, he bent over. The air left his lungs. Squealing faintly, she rained punches on his chest and shoulders. Her strikes were ungainly, weak. They barely stung. She had her eyes squeezed shut. Struggling to catch his breath, he raised his arms to fend off a few of the blows, but he put little effort into blocking, and he didn¡¯t hit back. Since her punches had no effect, she changed tactics. She ran behind him, put her palms against his back, and leaned into him. He put a foot out to keep his balance, but she didn¡¯t have enough weight to move him. She whimpered as she strained. Curious, he decided to walk where she pushed him. Under the influence of her pressing hands, he plodded flat-footed into the equipment cupboard. Once they were inside, she slammed the doors shut and left them in darkness. Then, with a cry, she struck him with her fists again. He could barely see her in the dark, but her movements were slow enough that he could easily grab her wrists. After he seized her, he bent down and hissed, ¡°What¡¯s your malfunction?¡± She sniffled. Her voice was thick with sobs. ¡°You¡¯re gonna tell! You¡¯re gonna tell everybody!¡± He sighed. ¡°No, I¡¯m not. Dana, listen: you are seriously the most obnoxious person I know¡ªbut you also saved my life yesterday. As far as I¡¯m concerned, we¡¯re even. Clean slate. Got it?¡± For emphasis, he shook her wrists, and her whole body wobbled. She sniffled again and, before he realized what she was doing, used the back of his right hand to wipe her nose. ¡°Hey!¡± ¡°That¡¯s not even!¡± she said. ¡°You owe me!¡± ¡°What? Why, you little brat¡ª¡± Grunting and groaning, she twisted her body back and forth as she strained to escape his hold, apparently unaware that she could free herself by snapping her wrists past his thumbs. How the heck does this girl fight monsters? He worried that he might bruise her again, so he loosened his grip. At the same moment, she raised a knee. It missed his groin, but struck him hard in the left hip. The blow bent him over. He lost his balance and stumbled into her, sending her sprawling with a loud whump onto a pile of wrestling mats. Hands still locked around her wrists, he fell heavily on top of her. She gasped and stopped struggling. The light was dim, but he could see her green eyes glistening with that now-familiar look of fear. He caught a faint, sweet scent, apparently her shampoo. She smelled like grape Kool-Aid. The double doors flew open, and Miss Percy¡¯s voice exclaimed, ¡°Who is making all the¡ª?¡± She stopped and, with a hand to her mouth, sucked in her breath. ¡°Jake Blatowski!¡± she screamed. He heaved a deep sigh. ¡°I seriously, seriously hate my life.¡± Chapter 5: Spaceships and Dinosaurs Strict rules governed physical contact between teachers and students, but in the heat of the moment, Miss Percy apparently forgot them. She grabbed Jake by a belt loop and the back of his collar and hauled him away from Dana. He could have fought off the teacher as easily as he fought off the little girl, but he didn¡¯t resist. Instead, slouching with his hands in his pockets, he stared at the floor while Miss Percy clutched his shoulders, shook him, and wept. ¡°How could you?¡± she cried. ¡°How could you?¡± ¡°Miss Percy, I can explain. See, Dana pushed me in here and attacked ... okay, forget it. I don¡¯t believe that either.¡± Dana sat up on the wrestling mats, flicked a strand of hair over an ear, and watched the proceedings with her usual glower. Miss Percy pounded her fists against Jake¡¯s chest. ¡°Now no man will ever marry her!¡± ¡°What? What are you talking about?¡± A loud boom rocked the school. With a shriek, Miss Percy fell against him. Then came another boom. A trickle of plaster rained from the ceiling. Miss Percy dug her fingers into the cloth of Jake¡¯s shirt and squeezed her eyes shut. The pen in Dana¡¯s pocket buzzed. She rose, brushed her hands down the front of her skirt, and ran from the cupboard. Jake pushed Miss Percy off and followed. ¡°Wait!¡± Miss Percy called, running after. ¡°There¡¯s a shelter in the basement! Both of you!¡± Another boom, louder this time, almost knocked Jake from his feet. He stumbled into a wall. The gym¡¯s rafters creaked, and more dust dropped to the floor. Miss Percy sank to her knees. ¡°Don¡¯t leave me!¡± Jake paused. Dana had already slammed her way out through the gym doors and into the hall. She might be out of the building by now. He made up an excuse. ¡°Dana just ran out! I gotta go get her!¡± Miss Percy pounded a fist into the hardwood floor. ¡°You leave her alone!¡± ¡°Go to the shelter, Miss Percy. There¡¯s somethin¡¯ I gotta do.¡± He sprinted to the hall door, jumped, twisted in the air, and smashed his hip into the crash bar. Once in the hall, he ran toward the nearest outside door and repeated the maneuver. Why don¡¯t I just go to the shelter? It¡¯s not like Pretty Dynamo needs me to¡ª He stepped out onto the playground, stopped, tilted his head back, and stared. ¡°Holy Moon Princess.¡± Overhead, a huge, black disc blotted out most of the sky and shrouded the city in twilight. Lights twinkled on its underside like the windows of a nighttime city. Around it flitted smaller discs, roaring like jets. Each of the discs, with a high-pitched whine, released pulses of green light into the city. Wherever the light struck, something exploded with a roar that shook the earth. Tongues of flame and clouds of dark smoke streamed into the sky. From deep in the city arose the wail of a Klaxon, a signal used in times past for air raids. Attacks were so common now, the air raid siren only sounded for the worst threats¡ªthe ones that might annihilate Urbanopolis entirely and wipe the human race from the face of the Earth. With her back to him and her pen to her mouth, Dana also watched the sky. She turned. Her hard eyes bored into him. ¡°It¡¯s just me,¡± he said. ¡°Miss Percy¡¯s still inside. Hurry up and transform.¡± ¡°Turn around,¡± she answered. ¡°What? Why?¡± Her cheeks turned pink. She hunched her shoulders and fumbled with her pen. ¡°Because.¡± ¡°Knock it off, Dana! There¡¯s no time for¡ª¡± She stomped her feet. ¡°Turn around! I ... I mean ... when I change, I lose ... I lose my ...¡± The color in her cheeks spread until her whole face was bright. She tapped her index fingers together and looked away from him, jaw clenched. That¡¯s right. She didn¡¯t get my second note. ¡°You mean you lose your clothes? I¡¯ve already seen you transform.¡± Now her face turned purple. ¡°You¡ª?¡± ¡°How do you think I knew you were Pretty Dynamo?¡± Dana sank to the ground and pressed her face to her knees. ¡°Now no man will ever marry me!¡± ¡°What? Dana, seriously¡ª¡± Her head snapped up. ¡°Creep! Weirdo! Pervert! I can¡¯t believe you saw¡ª¡± ¡°No offense, but you¡¯ve got nothing to see.¡± She gritted her teeth, and her knuckles turned white as she dug her nails into her palms. ¡°Jake!¡± ¡°For example, no belly button.¡± She shot from the ground and sprinted for him at full speed, faster than he had thought she could move. She slammed the toe of a Mary Jane into his shin and sent a spike of pain straight up his leg. It dropped him to the ground. For good measure, she beat her fists on the back of his head. ¡°Jerk! Idiot! Stupid-head!¡± ¡°All right, all right!¡± He jumped up and pinned her arms to her sides. Her eyes went wide again. He shoved her away, not quite hard enough to knock her down. ¡°I will turn around, okay? I promise. Just hurry the heck up!¡± Crossing his arms and muttering to himself, he faced the door. Behind him, she shouted, ¡°Shock my heart!¡± As if cold water had poured down his neck, he jumped and gasped when his hair stood on end and crackles of electricity snapped against his shoulders. In spite of his promise, caught by surprise, he spun around and saw her transform anyway. Red hair whipping wildly, Dana lifted into the air. Dynamo¡¯s blue skirt sprouted from her waist like a flower opening its petals. As she spun, bands of light appeared and solidified into her armor. Her hair turned blue, and the amber stone appeared on her brow. ¡°By the power of Zeus, Thor, and Raijin, release the energies within my soul! Electrifying the world with love and friendship¡ªand making evildoers feel the wattage of justice¡ªI am Magical Girl Pretty Dynamo!¡± Pretty Dynamo stood before him, hand raised in salute to the Moon Princess. She was no bigger than Dana. She was just as short and just as skinny, but she radiated brassy confidence. She marched to Jake, clenched a fist, and socked him in the gut. Unlike Dana¡¯s harmless punches, Dynamo¡¯s lifted him from his feet and knocked the wind from his lungs. He collapsed to his knees and clutched his middle. His vision swam with spots. For a moment, he thought he might cement his reputation as the Barfing Boy. ¡°Ecchi. I told you to turn around.¡± Gasping like a fish, he struggled to answer and finally wheezed, ¡°That was before you shocked me!¡± With a grunt, she gripped his left arm and hauled him to his feet. ¡°Don¡¯t stand too close to a transforming magical girl. You never know what¡¯ll hit you.¡± ¡°A fist, apparently.¡± He tried to slap her arm away, but the back of his hand bounced from her flesh as if he¡¯d struck a band of steel. He sucked in his breath and winced. She gingerly probed his stomach with her fingertips. ¡°I didn¡¯t hurt you, did I? Sometimes I forget how hard I can hit in this form.¡± ¡°If you didn¡¯t hit me at all, you wouldn¡¯t have that problem.¡± She patted him twice on the shoulder, as if he was a good horse. ¡°You¡¯ll be okay. Get underground, Jake. There¡¯s nothing you can do to help, and I¡¯m not haulin¡¯ your flabby butt around with me on this run.¡± Jake yelped and ducked as a loud insect¡¯s buzz sounded from behind. Tesla the lightning bug flew past his head and alighted on Dynamo¡¯s shoulder. ¡°Ah,¡± said Tesla as he sniffed and adjusted his glasses, ¡°that young man is back. Barfing Boy, wasn¡¯t it?¡± Backing toward the school doors, Jake mimicked Dynamo¡¯s salute. ¡°I hate your guts, Dana, but that¡¯s not important right now. Go get ¡¯em, tiger.¡± ¡°Heh. Don¡¯t forget you owe me one.¡± She tossed the blue rectangle from her belt. ¡°Circuit Board!¡± As she stepped onto her flying snowboard, he called, ¡°If you kick some extraterrestrial butt, save the city, and come back in one piece, then, um, maybe I¡¯ll buy you dinner or something.¡± Her lopsided grin grew wider. ¡°I¡¯ll hold you to that.¡± With a whoop, she blasted away into the sky. Shoot. Did I just ask a magical girl on a date? I wasn¡¯t thinking.
The Dark Queen swept into the Rec Room of Darkness, where she found several of her slavering minions lounging on the couches and reclining chairs, eating snack food, and watching the big-screen TV. On the screen, a huge saucer hovered over Urbanopolis and blasted away at its buildings. Skyscrapers exploded in fireballs and then crumbled to the ground in streams of gray debris. The city fought back: the turrets on its rim had swiveled inward to vomit shells and rolling-airframe missiles at the invaders. From several towers, machine guns blazed, and anti-aircraft artillery cannons filled the air with black bursts. Magical girls flitted through the sky, their attacks appearing as multicolored bursts of light. The film apparently came from a helicopter; both the whud-whud of the chopper¡¯s rotors and a reporter¡¯s frantic but garbled voice sounded over the action. ¡°What is going on?¡± the Queen demanded. Chirops stuffed a clawful of popcorn into his mouth and wiggled his little feet. ¡°The Robosaurs from Andromeda are attacking Urbanopolis, Your Darkness! Wanna watch?¡± ¡°Robosaurs?¡± She checked her watch. ¡°They weren¡¯t due for another three weeks!¡± Her purplish lips pursed, the witch Matilda sucked cola through a straw. ¡°Intergalactic travel. It¡¯s the relativistic effects. You can¡¯t schedule these things too exactly.¡± The Queen made an aggravated rasping sound in her throat. ¡°This is why I hate working with subcontractors. And why are you here, Matilda? Aren¡¯t you supposed to be searching for Pretty Dynamo¡¯s boyfriend?¡± Matilda shrugged. ¡°I checked the rosters of the all the middle schools and high schools. Nothing.¡± ¡°That¡¯s no excuse! Check again! He has to be in there somewhere!¡± ¡°You gotta admit,¡± said Chirops as he munched more popcorn, ¡°they¡¯ve set up a serious attack. They¡¯ll probably take out several magical girls with this one, and they might even destroy one of the Crystals.¡± A blur of whirling arms and legs plummeted past the camera. Several trolls on the far end of the room hooted and laughed. ¡°Was that Card Collector Kasumi?¡± one called. ¡°I think it was!¡± ¡°Idiots!¡± the Queen cried. ¡°With their firepower, we could have destroyed all the Crystals! The Moon Kingdom could be ours! Don¡¯t they realize what they¡¯ve done?¡± Chirops licked artificial butter from his claws. ¡°Maybe they¡¯ll¡ª¡± ¡°No,¡± said the Queen, clenching her fists and shaking her head. ¡°They¡¯ve doomed themselves, the fools.¡±
Jake was about to head back into the building, but Miss Percy crashed through the doors and ran into him, nearly bowling him over. The narrative has been stolen; if detected on Amazon, report the infringement. She clutched his shirt. ¡°Dana! Where¡¯s Dana?¡± ¡°Um ... I can¡¯t find her!¡± ¡°Oh no! We have to look¡ª¡± ¡°I really think we should get in the shelter now, Miss Percy.¡± She yanked on his bowtie and screamed in his face. ¡°I can¡¯t abandon a student¡ª!¡± ¡°Trust me, she¡¯s fine.¡± ¡°Oh, so you¡¯re the love ¡¯em and leave ¡¯em type, are you?¡± ¡°Huh?¡± In fear and surprise, they jumped into each other¡¯s arms when a huge metal sphere, at least eight feet across, crashed into the playground. It smashed the slide and sent woodchips and shards of aluminum high into the air. ¡°Oh my Princess!¡± Miss Percy cried. She clawed at Jake¡¯s back in panic. ¡°Oh my Princess, they¡¯re dropping bombs!¡± ¡°Looks like this one¡¯s a dud¡ª¡± ¡°We¡¯re going to die!¡± she sobbed, tears streaming freely from her eyes. ¡°I¡¯m going to die young! I¡¯m going to die single! Oh sweet Princess, I¡¯m gonna die a virgin!¡± She buried her face against Jake¡¯s chest. ¡°W-w-what¡ª?¡± ¡°No man will ever marry me!¡± she blubbered. ¡°I hear there¡¯s a lot of that going around.¡± Miss Percy wasn¡¯t his type, but now that she was clutching him and shuddering, he couldn¡¯t help but notice that her soft brown hair might be alluring if she undid that bun and let it down. She had warm, brown eyes behind her thick glasses, and though she was almost but not quite twice his age, she was still young and rather pretty. She turned her face up to his, eyes wet and pleading. He found his head, almost of its own accord, leaning down and tilting¡ª The metal sphere clattered and whirred. With a squeak, Miss Percy leapt backwards out of Jake¡¯s arms. He clapped a hand to his mouth as heat rushed into his face. Holy Moon Princess, I almost kissed my teacher! Out on the playground, the sphere unfolded like an origami box. Little squares popped out, twisted, and then popped back in. The sphere elongated. It sprouted metal legs, a tail, horns, a face¡ªin a moment, it had taken on definite form, the form of a Triceratops made of steel. Like a threatening bull, it pawed the woodchips, snorted, and lowered its head. Gently, Jake took Miss Percy¡¯s arm, held a hand toward the mechanical dinosaur, and took a cautious step forward. ¡°Okay, if real life is anything like cartoons, this one should be friendly.¡± ¡°Friendly? Why should it be friendly?¡± ¡°Plant-eating dinosaurs are always friendly. It¡¯s the carnosaurs you have to watch out for.¡± ¡°Jake, big animals can kill you even if they eat plants!¡± With a high-pitched, metallic roar, the Triceratops charged. ¡°Stupid cartoons!¡± Jake grabbed Miss Percy around the waist and under the knees, hiked her into his arms, and took off running along the side of the building. Fortunately, the Triceratops, like a rhinoceros, had a hard time turning. It plowed straight into the school¡¯s metal fire doors. With an ear-piercing shriek, the doors crumpled inward. As the dinosaur snarled and snorted, its thick feet slid on the concrete stoop. It swung its head back and forth, shattering the fixed window lights set in the doorframe. Finally, with a grunt, it pulled itself out of the wreckage. It yanked half the frame out of the wall with its crest and sent it clattering across the ground. Once it reoriented, the Triceratops charged again. ¡°It¡¯s coming!¡± Miss Percy shouted as her fingers dug into Jake¡¯s upper arm. ¡°What do we do?¡± ¡°Roof!¡± Jake reached the inside corner of the building¡¯s ¡°L.¡± There, a narrow service ladder, bolted into the brick, led upward. He threw Miss Percy at it. She grabbed a rung, but hesitated, so he thrust a shoulder under her buttocks and shoved. Still, she was too slow. He practically climbed over her to escape the dinosaur, and his left foot was barely more than an inch above its high crest when the creature smashed into the brick wall. The lower half of the ladder bent inward. Bricks and mortar rained onto the dinosaur¡¯s broad back and tumbled to the ground. The shock nearly shook Jake¡¯s fingers from the rungs. With a scream, Miss Percy slipped. Squeezing a rung in his left hand, Jake shot out his right and seized her wrist as she dropped past. His shoulder wrenched, but his grip held. She swung hard against his legs and banged his knees into the wall. The pain stabbed straight up into his crotch. Tears formed in his eyes, but he choked back a gasp. Her other hand grabbed his elbow, but her feet dangled just above the Triceratops¡¯s back. Its head was buried in the new hole in the wall, but its metal tail whipped back and forth as its powerful hind legs scrabbled against the asphalt. ¡°Climb up my back!¡± Jake shouted. ¡°I can¡¯t!¡± she screamed. With his feet alone, he hauled himself up another couple of rungs, but he didn¡¯t dare move his left hand. ¡°You have to!¡± he shouted. Whimpering, she let go of his elbow, stretched, and slapped her hand against his shoulder instead. With a groan, she slid slowly up his back and grasped a rung next to his head. He swallowed a lump as he felt her womanly contours pressing through his shirt. This is the closest I''ve ever been to a woman ... no, wait! This is not the time for that! Growling, the Triceratops pulled more bricks to the ground with its crest as it backed up. With a roar, it reared and planted its forelimbs on the wall. Jake pulled up his feet to escape its huge, snapping beak. ¡°Whoa!¡± he cried. ¡°I didn¡¯t know they could do that!¡± Spikes shot out of the bottoms of the dinosaur¡¯s thick feet and penetrated the bricks with a loud shraaack! Slowly, with the hiss and groan of straining machinery, it began to climb. ¡°Great shining Moon Princess! Faster, Miss Percy! Faster!¡± With a scream, Miss Percy clambered over him and momentarily pushed first her breasts, then her crotch, and then the length of her soft thighs against the back of his head as she passed. He slammed his forehead into the wall. This is not the time for that, this is not the time for that¡ª Once she was above him, he climbed. When he looked up, he found himself peering up her skirt at her red silk panties. ¡°Augh!¡± he yelled. ¡°There¡¯s no escape!¡± ¡°We can escape!¡± she yelled back. ¡°We just have to try!¡± Miss Percy reached the flat asphalt roof, and Jake was right behind. The Triceratops was considerably slower, but it was definitely coming: Jake could hear a steady whistle, crack, and thud as it shot spikes into the wall and walked its way upward. His eyes swept the roof. He saw several turbine vents and an equipment shed, but he saw little else. Overhead, the sky was a war zone: lights flashed from the magical girls, green beams of death poured into the city, and shells and missiles exploded. More spheres tumbled out of the sky, each no doubt containing another death-dealing robotic dinosaur. Miss Percy leaned against his chest. A few loose strands of hair blew across her face. Her lips trembled. ¡°Is this it?¡± she whispered. ¡°Is this the end of Urbanopolis? The end of the world? The end of humanity?¡± ¡°I don¡¯t know.¡± Her fingers tightened around his blue bowtie. ¡°Where¡¯s the Moon Princess when we need her? Where is she?¡± He slipped an arm around her waist. ¡°I don¡¯t know, Miss Percy.¡± Her glasses slid down her nose, and her brown eyes glistened as she gazed over them. Her voice was breathy. ¡°If this is it, if this is my last moment on Earth, I just want one thing.¡± She closed her eyes and tilted her head back, lips slightly parted. ¡°Um, Miss Percy¡ª¡± The Triceratops reached the lip of the roof, raised its beak into the air, and trumpeted like a tinny recording of an elephant. Miss Percy released Jake and jumped away. He turned to the monster, clenched his fists, and contemplated just how much being gored was going to hurt. The dinosaur pulled itself completely onto the roof and tore up several shingles as it lowered its head and pawed. Out of ideas, Jake opted for braggadocio. ¡°Come and get me, you ugly, mother-hugging crud-for-brains!¡± ¡°Jake!¡± gasped Miss Percy. ¡°Language!¡± ¡°You used to be my favorite dinosaur!¡± Jake screamed. ¡°But you know what? When I get home, I am throwing my Triceratops plush toy in the trash! Yeah, that¡¯s right!¡± Cheeks burning, he glanced over his shoulder at his teacher. ¡°Not that I actually have a Triceratops plush toy¡ª¡± The dinosaur snarled and charged. Jake hurled himself out of the way and tackled Miss Percy. Twisting as he fell, he took the brunt of the impact against his left side and scraped most of the skin from his forearm. Unable to check its forward rush, the dinosaur rumbled past, reached the opposite edge of the roof, and, with a squeal and a terrible crash, plummeted to the ground. Jake puffed for almost a minute until he caught his breath. ¡°Huh. That thing is really stupid.¡± After disentangling himself from Miss Percy, he sat up. With a faint clearing of the throat, she raised herself to her knees and brushed her hands down the front of her skirt. ¡°You okay?¡± he asked. She interlaced her fingers and gazed at the rooftop. ¡°Miss Percy? You okay?¡± ¡°Mr. Blatowski,¡± she said faintly, ¡°would you mind, um, forgetting everything that just happened?¡± He ran his fingers through his hair. ¡°Not in the least.¡± With a groan, he staggered to his feet and offered Miss Percy a hand. After helping her up, he peered over the edge of the roof. The Triceratops had cracked the concrete walk around the flagpole in front of the school. It lay on its side, its limbs flopping as it struggled to stand. ¡°These aren¡¯t kaiju. They might not be smart, but they are hunter-types. How deep is the school¡¯s shelter?¡± ¡°Deep,¡± she said. ¡°Doors are all reinforced to regulation, and it¡¯s got the usual mole tunnels, so they couldn¡¯t bury us.¡± ¡°We better get in it, then.¡± He stared again into the sky. Pink, purple, and blue streaks of light left afterimages in his eyes. One of the smaller flying saucers, trailing smoke and flame, plummeted toward the bay. She slipped her hand into his. ¡°No. We have to find Dana. I¡¯m not going to abandon a student.¡± Chapter 6: Girl with Guns Jake half climbed and half slid down the ladder. Because of the hole the dinosaur had made, it was ten feet between the bottommost rung and the pavement. He carefully lowered himself from the lowest rung and dangled for a few seconds before he dropped. Such a fall would have stung if he had been in his Oxfords, but, fortunately, he was in basketball shoes. Once he was on the ground, he helped Miss Percy down by letting her lower herself onto his shoulders. After he got her to the pavement, she gazed unhappily at her pumps. ¡°What a day to be in heels.¡± ¡°I wonder,¡± Jake muttered, half to himself, ¡°if we should try to find some kind of weapon¡ª¡± ¡°What good would that do?¡± ¡°I don¡¯t think these are magical monsters.¡± He shaded his eyes and peered again into the sky. ¡°It looks like the tower guns are doing real damage. That means these are just ordinary, run-of-the-mill dinosaur robots from space.¡± Miss Percy shook her head. ¡°Why does everything in the universe want to kill us?¡± ¡°Who knows?¡± ¡°My purse is in the classroom. I have pepper spray.¡± ¡°We need something stronger.¡± He took her hand. ¡°C¡¯mon.¡± A cyclone fence surrounded the school grounds. Built into its east end was a gate meant for trucks delivering goods to the cafeteria. That gate lay open. Jake and Miss Percy ran out, glancing as they did toward the front of the building where the metal Triceratops lay gasping. ¡°Maybe a gun,¡± he said. ¡°Don¡¯t tell me you¡¯re one of those people. You can¡¯t kill a monster with a gun.¡± ¡°We could kill these things, maybe¡ª¡± ¡°They¡¯re big.¡± ¡°An elephant gun.¡± ¡°They¡¯re armored.¡± ¡°An elephant gun with armor-piercing bullets?¡± ¡°They¡¯re technologically advanced space aliens, Jake. You need magical weapons for things like this. That¡¯s why it¡¯s the magical girls¡¯ job to fight. For the rest of us, it¡¯s our job to stay alive. That¡¯s the will of the Moon Princess!¡± ¡°Were you ever a magical girl, Miss Percy?¡± She flushed. ¡°Of course not!¡± When they reached an intersection, a dark-haired young woman wearing a simple jacket and pencil skirt, and pushing a baby carriage, rounded a corner and jogged their way. She screamed when she saw them, ¡°Is there a shelter in the school?¡± Glittering like silver, a Tyrannosaurus rex stepped around the corner behind her, its body stooped and the fingers of its little arms groping and flexing. Its eyes were glowing red orbs set in deeply pitted sockets, and its enormous mouth opened to display long, serrated teeth that glistened in the ruddy evening light. The dinosaur roared with a sound like steel scraping across glass. Jake whispered, ¡°It¡¯s like a dream come true ¡­ sort of.¡± Miss Percy clutched his arm. ¡°You have awful dreams.¡± ¡°As a kid, I always wanted to see a T. rex fight a Stegosaurus. It really ticked me off that they lived millions of years apart.¡± A Stegosaurus armatus, thirty feet long and equipped with huge fins bristling along its back, lumbered out of an alley. It saw the Tyrannosaur and screamed with a sound like poorly oiled gears struggling to turn. ¡°Oh Princess,¡± Jake whispered, ¡°this is gonna be awesome.¡± The Tyrannosaur shook its huge head and opened its mouth again, but instead of a roar, a high-pitched but slightly stuffy voice came forth, like that of a British man speaking through a tube: ¡°Greetings, Shivslobber. Having a good time producing mayhem amongst these primitive mammals?¡± ¡°I grow tired of the meatbags¡¯ running and screaming, Fangnasty,¡± the Stegosaur replied. ¡°Why have we invaded this backwater world? Most of its surface is already laid waste, so what good is it to us?¡± ¡°Who knows?¡± said Fangnasty. ¡°What can we Robosaurs do except follow the will of our Lord Reptilon?¡± ¡°Darn it,¡± said Jake, ¡°they¡¯re friends. This sucks.¡± Seeing the dinosaurs distracted by their conversation, he ran toward the woman with the baby carriage. ¡°I admit,¡± said Fangnasty, ¡°that though I enjoy butchering these hairless warmbloods, I find some of their females strangely attractive.¡± ¡°You¡¯ve been cooped up too long in your service pod, Fangnasty!¡± Shivslobber uttered a laugh that sounded like the turning of a rusty hinge. The woman shrieked and threw herself across her carriage as the Tyrannosaur tromped her way and, with machine oil dripping like saliva from his gaping jaw, leaned over her. ¡°What¡¯s your name, sweetheart?¡± She shivered. ¡°Um ¡­ I¡¯m Margherita Della Mozzarella¡ª¡± ¡°Well, Margherita, what say you and me go for a ride on my flying saucer, and I¡¯ll show you my gyros?¡± ¡°Sorry. I don¡¯t like Greek food.¡± ¡°Huh?¡± ¡°And I really don¡¯t like men with tiny arms.¡± Fangnasty¡¯s grin disappeared. He reared his head back and released an earthshaking scream. ¡°Come with me, wench, if you want me to spare your offspring!¡± Jake skidded to a halt, ran sideways, and waved his arms. ¡°Hey, over here, ugly!¡± Fangnasty stepped toward him and tilted his head. ¡°Ugly? Is that a taunt? Do you think I have any concern for the aesthetic preferences of a soft-fleshed, hairless ape?¡± ¡°And your arms are puny!¡± Jake shouted. ¡°They look stupid on your fat torso! You don¡¯t even have opposable thumbs!¡± ¡°That¡¯s it!¡± snarled Fangnasty. ¡°Now I¡¯m going to crush you into jelly!¡± ¡°Ooh, will it be strawberry jelly?¡± asked Shivslobber. ¡°That¡¯s my favorite kind!¡± Fangnasty snorted. ¡°Idiot! Human jelly, of course¡ªas you¡¯d realize if your positronic brain weren¡¯t the size of a walnut!¡± Shivslobber took three steps forward and swung his tail back and forth. He struck a bungalow with his spikes and sent a shower of wooden splinters across the street. ¡°What did you say, you overgrown Oviraptor?¡± ¡°Oviraptor?¡± Fangnasty¡¯s heavy tread cracked the asphalt as he swung his bulk around to face the Stegosaur. ¡°You would say that to me, you flat-footed cretin with useless fins?¡± ¡°Better than your useless arms!¡± ¡°Say that again! I dare you!¡± Shivslobber gave a low, deep chuckle. ¡°Fangnasty, I was just talking to the Siats meekerorum, and he says you¡¯re a wuss!¡± ¡°Oh yeah? Well, I was just talking to your second brain, and he says you¡¯re a moron!¡± ¡°I don¡¯t really have a second brain, which shows how smart you are!¡± ¡°Too bad! You could use one!¡± ¡°Oh, and the Siats has three fingers on each hand. How many you got?¡± ¡°That¡¯s it!¡± Ducking low, with his head almost at street level, Fangnasty rushed. Shivslobber, with surprising speed, spun around and swiped his tail across the Tyrannosaur¡¯s face. Fangnasty shrieked as he staggered sideways. Three of his serrated teeth flew from his mouth. ¡°Augh! I¡¯ll get you for that, you tree-hugging herbivore!¡± ¡°Meat is murder!¡± Shivslobber shouted as he charged. With a crunch like the sound of two freight trucks colliding, the dinosaurs tore into each other, fighting tooth, claw, and spike. Jake pumped a fist in the air. ¡°Life goal achieved!¡± He sprinted to Margherita and grabbed her baby carriage. ¡°C¡¯mon, we gotta get outta here! I¡¯ll take your baby¡ªwait, what?¡± A glance into the open top of the carriage revealed, not an infant, but three large cases of juice boxes packed in shrink-wrap. With a sheepish smile, Margherita shrugged. ¡°I get thirsty.¡± Jake¡¯s plan had been to grab the carriage and high-tail it toward safety with Margherita in tow. With his heart pounding in his ears and adrenaline coursing through his veins, he didn¡¯t think to alter that plan, so he grabbed the carriage full of juice boxes, turned it toward the school, and ran for all he was worth. With his gigantic jaws, Fangnasty snapped several plates from Shivslobber¡¯s back, and Shivslobber squealed. ¡°Ha! Just try attracting any mates with that setup, quadruped!¡± ¡°I¡¯ll get more than you get with those puny arms, theropod!¡± ¡°Roooaaaargh!¡± Miss Percy¡¯s glasses slid down her nose. She clenched her fists in front of her throat, shook her head back and forth, and cried, ¡°Those lizards are terrible!¡± ¡°C¡¯mon!¡± Jake shouted as he neared her. ¡°Let¡¯s head for the¡ª!¡± Behind him, Margherita spun around and, with hair whipping in the wind, pointed her palms at the battling monsters. She cried, ¡°Pizza Sauce of Power!¡± Nothing happened. She hunched her shoulders and turned red in the face. ¡°Sorry. Old habit.¡± Near the school¡¯s front entrance, the Triceratops finally rolled up onto its back, tucked in two legs, and threw itself over onto its stomach. Ponderously, with a groan of straining joints, it rose to its feet, shook its massive head, and called with a voice like a poorly tuned trombone, ¡°Fangnasty! Shivslobber! Why do you fight each other when your prey cowers before you?¡± The Triceratops blocked the front door, and there were no other entrances on this side of the building. Jake thought for a moment of throwing a crate of juice boxes through a window, but he doubted the three of them could climb inside before the dinosaurs reached them. ¡°The hole it made in the wall,¡± Jake said, taking Miss Percy by the arm. ¡°We can get in¡ª!¡± ¡°Human!¡± the Triceratops roared. ¡°I¡¯ll pay you back treble for what you did to me!¡± It lowered its head and charged. ¡°Run!¡± Jake shouted. ¡°Head for the playground!¡± He made it no more than four steps before the Triceratops¡¯s frill exploded in a red flash. The dinosaur first blinked in surprise, but then released a piercing screech. ¡°Yeah!¡± Jake shouted. ¡°Take that, horn-face! I always believed you were nothing but a baby Torosaurus, and not a separate species!¡± Miss Percy put a hand on his shoulder. ¡°Jake, you really need to stop. The dinosaur geekery is getting out of hand.¡± In another red burst, the rest of the Triceratops¡¯s head disappeared, leaving behind a ragged neck full of sparking wires and tubes spurting hydraulic fluid. Gears, bolts, and twisted metal fragments plopped onto the grass or clanked onto the asphalt. The body swayed on its legs and then collapsed. It settled to the ground with a cacophony of clatters and crunches. Fangnasty and Shivslobber, with much of their plating shredded into ragged strips of sheet metal, paused in their fight. Fangnasty screamed, ¡°What is happening?¡± ¡°It must be one of the humans¡¯ warrior vixens,¡± snarled Shivslobber as an antenna extended from the top of his head. ¡°I will call for a unit of the clawfoots! They will¡ªgaahhh!¡± The antenna snapped, and then Shivslobber¡¯s face disappeared in another red flash. Metal shards hissed and whined against the street or plunked into the houses. A window shattered with a crash. Fangnasty lifted his body so high that his tail almost touched the ground. He raised a tiny arm, clenched its two tiny fingers, and shook his tiny fist. ¡°Show yourself, human female! Face me, if you are not a coward!¡± On the roof of a nearby house, a figure rose up from behind a dormer and stood tall. She looked to be about fifteen, with the slim, willowy build of a girl who¡¯d recently finished her growth spurt. Long, blond hair waved in the evening breeze. A white stetson sat on her head, and she wore a tan canvas duster. Under that, she sported a leather waistcoat and a loose-fitting button-up shirt adorned with a bolo tie. Clipped to her coat was a star-shaped badge that caught the fading sunlight with a golden glow. Crossed gun belts filled with ivory-handled revolvers rode low on her hips. In her hands was what appeared to be a Winchester rifle. She had pulled her hat low to hide her face, but even so, Jake could see that she chewed on a stalk of wheat. She wore cowboy boots and spurs, but above those, instead of the blue jeans he expected, she had on only a tiny pair of red bicycle shorts. She tipped her hat back, grinned a toothy grin, and twirled her rifle around her trigger finger, a move that Jake thought looked unnecessarily dangerous. ¡°Magical Girl Rifle Maiden atcher service,¡± she said with a twang. Fangnasty roared, but the sound choked off and turned into a strangled gurgle. His head twisted sideways and then, with a horrific squeal of rending metal, snapped completely from his neck. It smashed into the ground, and his body soon tumbled after, landing with a crunch loud enough to rattle the nearby windows. Rifle Maiden spun her rifle again and slid it into a sheath on her back. ¡°How¡¯d she do that?¡± Margherita whispered. ¡°She didn¡¯t even call a spell!¡± Rifle Maiden leapt, twisted in the air, and landed cat-like on the road. ¡°Whoo-whee!¡± she shouted. ¡°They don¡¯t make robot dinosaurs from space like they used to!¡± Swaggering and looking slightly bow-legged, she marched straight up to Jake and touched her hat in a nonchalant salute. ¡°Howdy, pardner.¡± ¡°Thanks,¡± said Jake, putting out a hand. ¡°We really owe you¡ª¡± ¡°Well now, ain¡¯t you a tall drink o¡¯ water?¡± Rifle Maiden pushed her hat back until a shock of yellow hair peeked out. She strolled around him and looked him up and down. At last, she leaned on his shoulder and gave him an easy grin. ¡°After this here shindig¡¯s over, what¡¯s say you an¡¯ me head on down to the saloon for a sarsaparilla?¡± Jake swallowed. ¡°I have a girlfriend.¡± She leaned close, practically meeting his face with her own. The stalk of wheat in her mouth tickled his neck. Her wide, slightly bucktoothed grin grew wider, and the freckles stood out on her cheeks. ¡°Hey, I know you! Barfin¡¯ Boy, am I right? Didn¡¯t recognize ya at first without stuff comin¡¯ outta yer mouth.¡± She clapped him on the back and made him wince. ¡°Ever¡¯body in town knows you¡¯re sweet on ol¡¯ Purty Dynamo. Welp, I wouldn¡¯t wanna cross that little missy. She¡¯s a scary one.¡± Jake ground his teeth together, but decided not to argue. ¡°Wait,¡± said Margherita, slowly walking toward him with a hand extended, as if approaching some strange and possibly dangerous creature, ¡°you¡¯re Barfing Boy?¡± ¡°Sort of¡ª¡± She grasped his hand. ¡°Oh Princess, wow. It¡¯s not just anybody who can keep up with Pretty Dynamo, and you¡¯re even a boy!¡± ¡°That big guy over yonder,¡± said Rifle Maiden as she leaned on him again, ¡°the one with the three horns¡ªfrom the crushed brick on the buildin¡¯, it looks to me like he took a tumble. Y¡¯all wouldn¡¯t o¡¯ had nothin¡¯ to do with that, wouldja, Barfy?¡± He glanced at Miss Percy. ¡°Well, he attacked us, and then he followed us to the roof¡ª¡± ¡°Hoo, doggies!¡± She slapped him again. He stumbled. ¡°That¡¯s some mighty fine monster-fightin¡¯ fer a boy! No wonder ya caught ol¡¯ Dynamo¡¯s eye.¡± Jake gingerly rotated his shoulders. ¡°I didn¡¯t. She just¡ª¡± This content has been misappropriated from Royal Road; report any instances of this story if found elsewhere. A hollow clanking noise came from behind one of the houses. He tensed, expecting another robot. Miss Percy hunched behind him, put her hands on his shoulders, and whimpered. Out from behind the house walked a Holstein cow, its white coat spotted with black and its heavy udders swinging. From its neck dangled a ringing cowbell. ¡°Bossy!¡± yelled Rifle Maiden. She ran to the cow and threw her arms around its neck. Looking at the others with a broad grin full of pearly white teeth, she said, ¡°This here¡¯s my familiar¡ª¡± ¡°Your familiar is a cow?¡± said Jake. ¡°Sure as shootin¡¯.¡± ¡°Not, I dunno, a horse?¡± Her eyes narrowed. ¡°I¡¯m a cowgirl.¡± ¡°Well, yeah, but¡ª¡± ¡°Oh, Rifle Maiden,¡± Bossy said in a singsong, ¡°ya done another good deed, don¡¯cha know?¡± ¡°Have I?¡± Rifle Maiden cried. ¡°Oh ja. When ya killed dem mean ol¡¯ robots, don¡¯cha know? An¡¯ it¡¯s set me cowbell a-ringin¡¯, an¡¯ whenever a cowbell rings¡ª¡± ¡°A cowgirl gets her wings,¡± Rifle Maiden said with a nod. She released Bossy and danced a jig in the street. Pausing after a few steps, she called, ¡°Hey, Barfin¡¯ Boy, wanna join me fer dinner tonight? We¡¯re havin¡¯ Buffalo wings. Ya gotta keep ¡¯em down, though.¡± Jake rubbed his temples, feeling a headache coming on. ¡°So you¡¯re not fighting to save the city from destruction, but because you wanna eat wings?¡± ¡°You would too if¡¯n y¡¯all were me. Them¡¯s some mighty fine wings!¡± ¡°Bossy,¡± he said to the cow, ¡°you¡¯re seriously using Buffalo wings to bribe a girl to fight monsters? How can you do that?¡± ¡°Eat more chicken,¡± Bossy replied. Margherita cleared her throat. ¡°What I want to know is how you took care of that big guy, the really ugly one with the tiny arms.¡± ¡°Oh, that,¡± said Rifle Maiden. ¡°That weren¡¯t me.¡± She put two fingers in her mouth and delivered a shrill whistle. ¡°Oy! C¡¯mon outta thar!¡± Across the street, on top of another house, a girl rose up from behind a chimney. Easily the strangest magical girl Jake had ever seen, she had long, scraggly dreadlocks jutting from under a tall top hat. She wore little else aside from a grass skirt and a bra that appeared to be made from the front halves of two human skulls. A black cape, clasped at one shoulder with a gold medallion, draped over her back. She was barefoot, but had bangles on her wrists and ankles. White ash coated her dark skin. Her face was heavily made up, decorated like a fanciful skull from the Day of the Dead, with black coating her eye sockets, white teeth outlining her lips, and curlicues highlighting everything else. An ivory Ball Python was draped around her neck; it occasionally licked the air with its forked tongue. The girl dropped to the house¡¯s lawn and undulated toward Jake and the others. She moved like a dancer, or like a skilled fighter. As a rule, magical girls were petite, but this one was unusually tall and unusually full-figured. Very, very full-figured. Those can¡¯t be real, Jake thought as he struggled to keep his eyes off her chest. I mean, they must be part of her costume, or¡ª ¡°Magical Girl Voodoo Queen Natasha,¡± she said in a surprisingly deep voice. ¡°I am sorry I could not help you sooner, but my juju takes time, yes?¡± She held up a wax figurine crudely shaped like the dead Tyrannosaur, minus its head. Then she held up the head as well and, with an air of contempt, dropped both to the street. ¡°How ya doin¡¯, Queenie?¡± Rifle Maiden asked. Natasha sighed. ¡°As well as you might expect, my gun-slinging friend. My back is killing me.¡± She put her hands to her lower back, grimaced, and stretched. ¡°Seven more months of this, and then I can finally retire¡ªand finally get my breast reduction surgery.¡± Whoa, they are real! Natasha peered closely at Jake. ¡°You there,¡± she said. ¡°Y-yes?¡± Putting a hand to his chin, she forced him to look into her heavily painted face. ¡°My eyes are up here.¡± He swallowed once and smiled nervously. She cocked her head. ¡°Hm. I sense much mojo. Are you not the Boy Who Barfs?¡± ¡°He is!¡± cried Rifle Maiden. Natasha nodded. ¡°Magical Girl Pretty Dynamo¡¯s chosen consort. I see.¡± She reached into a pouch at her waist, rummaged around, and pulled out a tiny bag of rough burlap attached to a long cord. She draped it around Jake¡¯s neck. ¡°This gris-gris will protect you from impotence on your wedding night.¡± ¡°Um ¡­ thanks.¡± A steady, rhythmic buzz sounded overhead. Rifle Maiden pulled her rifle from her back and cocked it one-handed: with three fingers in the loop lever, she let the gun tip forward, and then she snapped her wrist to bring it back up. She put it to her shoulder and slowly walked around the others, pointing the rifle toward the sky. The buzz grew steadily louder. Jake pointed. ¡°There!¡± Rifle Maiden spun and, with feet spread and cheek resting on her buttstock, took aim. But she held her fire. What appeared to be a brown, single-prop biplane dropped from the fiery battle. With a faint squeal of tires striking pavement, it landed in the road and taxied up to the bodies of the dead Robosaurs. As it drew close, it grew stranger in appearance: it seemed somehow flat, as if a drawing had sprung upright from a piece of paper. It was rough around the edges, and even had tiny holes through it, as if an artist had hastily sketched it on canvas with a thick pencil and little concern for details. Looking at it made Jake¡¯s eyes throb. The propeller slowed, and its loud buzz quieted. A figure rose out of the plane¡¯s open cockpit. Silver-haired, boyish, and dressed in green, it was Magical Girl Grease Pencil Marionette. She had complemented her gown with a white scarf and an aviatrix¡¯s cap and goggles. ¡°Hiya, Greasy!¡± Rifle Maiden called. Marionette jumped from the plane and ran their way. ¡°Rifle Maiden! Natasha! Margherita! Have you seen Card Collector Kasumi?¡± Rifle Maiden and Natasha both shook their heads. With a frustrated frown, Marionette snapped her fingers. ¡°I thought she dropped somewhere around here¡ª¡± ¡°We can help you look,¡± said Rifle Maiden. Marionette sighed. ¡°No, we need all hands on deck for the monsters. Those ships have been dropping dinosaurs like mad, and there¡¯s no telling how many are in the city.¡± One of Fangnasty¡¯s broken arms lay at her feet. She kicked it. ¡°Giving robots a bad name,¡± she muttered. ¡°How¡¯s the fight?¡± Margherita asked. Marionette drew closer. ¡°Bad. Five girls died right in front of me. Two of them I knew, so I¡¯ll contact their families. The other three had secret identities, so¡±¡ªshe drooped her head¡ª¡°their magical forms will be reported killed in action, but their alter egos will simply be listed among the city¡¯s missing. Their parents won¡¯t know what happened.¡± Closing her eyes, she rubbed her forehead. ¡°That¡¯s why I ask you all to tell me your real names¡ª¡± ¡°Is Kasumi dead?¡± asked Rifle Maiden. ¡°I don¡¯t know. I saw her go down, but that¡¯s all I saw.¡± ¡°Pretty Dynamo?¡± Jake asked. Marionette fixed him with her gray eyes, and she again got that smile with the tight corners. ¡°She tore an airlock off the mothership with her bare hands and climbed inside. That was the last I saw of her.¡± Shading her eyes, she leaned back and looked up. ¡°I won¡¯t lie to you¡ªDynamo¡¯s powerful, but her weapons are highly specialized. Ever seen lightning strike a modern airplane? That¡¯s how effective Dynamo¡¯s arsenal is against enemies like this. She can¡¯t touch those spaceships from outside. I suppose that¡¯s why she went in.¡± Rifle Maiden shook her head. ¡°She¡¯s the bravest, that¡¯s for sure.¡± ¡°Pretty Dynamo cares not if she lives or dies,¡± intoned Natasha. ¡°That is her greatest strength¡ªand also her greatest weakness. If she at last finds something to live for, will it make her stronger still ¡­ or will it destroy her?¡± ¡°Whoa,¡± said Jake. ¡°That¡¯s getting heavy and weird. The question is, what do we do right now? How do we beat back these robot dinosaurs?¡± ¡°Aerial magical girls need to focus on the mothership,¡± Marionette replied, ¡°and ground-bounders need to hunt down the Robosaurs who¡¯ve landed. Sorry, girls, but I¡¯m afraid it¡¯s going to be a long night.¡± Natasha sighed. ¡°I am running out of excuses to give my parents.¡± ¡°Just tell them you were in a different shelter,¡± Marionette said. ¡°Or maybe you should tell the truth. That¡¯s what I recommend.¡± Rifle Maiden clicked her tongue. ¡°Guess I gotta postpone them wings. Hey, Queenie, Greasy¡ªwanna join me for chicken after we kick some robot butt?¡± ¡°I could delight in such a repast,¡± replied Natasha. ¡°But if you want really good chicken, I know a Creole restaurant downtown.¡± ¡°Ooh, intriguin¡¯.¡± ¡°Just remember,¡± said Margherita with a serene smile as she placed a hand on both Rifle Maiden and Natasha¡¯s shoulders, ¡°that no matter what weapons you have at your disposal and no matter how potent your magic, those powers pale beside the still-greater power of friendship. It is friendship that unites and drives all magical girls, and it is for friendship that you wage war against our enemies.¡± ¡°Amen,¡± said Marionette, and she made the sign of the Moon Princess. ¡°And,¡± Margherita added, ¡°the best way to secure and cement your friendship is to share a pizza.¡± Rifle Maiden leaned toward Natasha and whispered, ¡°I still prefer chicken¡ª¡± ¡°There¡¯s chicken pizza, you know,¡± said Margherita with a stamp of her foot. ¡°Chicken jambalaya pizza,¡± whispered Natasha with a nod as she rubbed her chin. ¡°It is so crazy, it just might work¡ª¡± Twisting his mouth, Jake stared at Margherita for half a minute before he said, ¡°Are you a magical girl, too?¡± She clapped her hands to her face, and pink appeared in her cheeks. ¡°Oh, do I look that young?¡± ¡°No, it¡¯s just that you¡¯re really weird.¡±
In the center of Urbanopolis stood the Temple of the Moon Princess, erected over the exact spot on which the Princess stood to bless the first magical girls before she ascended into heaven to build her New Tokyo in the Sea of Serenity. It was not the most imposing structure in the city, but it was easily the most lavish. Bringing together the artistic traditions of the many peoples who had flowed into this final refuge to seek the Princess¡¯s protection during the first and most devastating of the Earth¡¯s many extraterrestrial invasions, the Temple was an eclectic, rococo mishmash that defeated the eye of anyone attempting to trace its lines or discern its themes. Its exterior was a veritable maze of archways, flying buttresses, porticos, and suspended balconies. Decorating its walls were high-relief sculptures of Junoesque girls in gaudily accessorized school uniforms¡ªthe typical costume of an earlier generation of the city¡¯s protectresses. Above this hodgepodge of architectural and artistic experimentation rose a golden onion dome, beneath which stood the cavernous central sanctuary. The interior was as decadent as the exterior: gold and silver accented every curve and corner, and sculpted cupids climbed the walls and peeked from the cornices. Painted on the inside of the dome was a painstaking representation of the night sky, complete with a precisely detailed full moon. Embedded in the paint were tiny crystal beads, and an inconspicuous window opposite the moon made them glisten. Above the temple¡¯s high altar stood a statue of the Moon Princess herself, carved from marble. Her face was as serene as a meditating Buddha¡¯s, and her arms were outspread in love for the whole world. The altar itself, set in the exact center of the chamber, was a plain slab of granite, upon which lay the sole symbol of the High Priestess¡¯s sacred office¡ªa double-bitted ax. Surrounding the altar, set into the floor, was a pentagram that shone a dull red, the color of blood. At each of its points, a shimmering jewel silently hovered. Behind each jewel, dressed in a red hakama and a white haori, stood an acolyte. In an age when mankind faced likely extinction, lifelong celibacy was frowned upon and in some circumstances punished at law, so these acolytes were adolescents in temporary service; most were from wealthy families, and most would enter arranged marriages as soon as their time in the Temple had ended. Pacing the floor in front of the altar was the High Priestess herself, a dignified and statuesque woman. Wholly dedicated to the Princess, she was one of the few in Urbanopolis exempt from the so-called bachelor tax. Gray had tinged her golden hair, and worry lines had formed around her eyes. Aside from that, her visage was difficult to distinguish from that of the marble figure towering over her¡ªexcept her mouth was sterner, and her eyes displayed greater displeasure. A concussion rocked the city, so powerful that it rose up even through the temple¡¯s formidable stone foundations. The crystals jumped and hummed. One of them, a green emerald on the pentagram¡¯s western point, went dark. The Priestess paused in her pacing, and the color drained from her cheeks. ¡°No,¡± she whispered. On the chamber¡¯s west end, a high arch, rimmed with stone carefully carved to resemble a clinging vine, opened onto a high balcony. The Priestess ran to the balustrade, and her eyes swept the city. In the distance, a tower of green fire stretched into the heavens and pierced the massive alien ship overhead. Around the glowing column, the ship raged with fire. The clouds flickered, reflecting the weird green and red light. ¡°They¡¯ve destroyed the Museum of the Hesperides,¡± the Priestess gasped. She touched carefully manicured fingertips to her forehead and closed her eyes. ¡°The last remnants of over a hundred cultures¡ªall that remained of long-lost Egypt, the Philippines, the glories of Rome, the rare books we had not yet copied, the grandeur and austerities of Tibet¡ª¡± An acolyte, young Jasmine, quietly tiptoed up behind her. ¡°And the Crystal,¡± Jasmine said. ¡°Yes. The Crystal.¡± In the chamber, the glowing Pentagram on the floor rearranged itself, its lines shifting and curving until it became a four-pointed but lopsided witch-knot; the darkened gem was cast out, but the symbol remained unbroken. The Priestess re-entered the chamber and stared at the new emblem on the floor. ¡°Could they have known?¡± she asked. ¡°It is likely the Robosaurs struck the Crystal by chance, Your Excellency,¡± Jasmine whispered. ¡°It is most unfortunate.¡± ¡°The gems here on this floor are mere shadows,¡± said the Priestess. ¡°They can protect this sanctuary from attack, but nothing else. It is vital that the innumerable enemies of the Princess do not find their counterparts in the city, for if they learn where the true Crystals lie, they will destroy them all, and then everything will fall to ruin.¡± ¡°Yes, Your Excellency,¡± Jasmine replied. The Priestess stepped to the altar and lifted the double-bitted ax. ¡°These creatures, these so-called Robosaurs, are stronger than we had supposed. We must prepare the Weapon.¡± The acolytes gasped. The Weapon had never fired in their lifetimes. They had heard the stories only from their grandparents, if at all. ¡°But, Your Excellency,¡± Jasmine said, now daring to raise her voice above a whisper, ¡°there are so many magical girls still in the air¡ª¡± ¡°Then sound the Warning Call,¡± the Priestess replied. ¡°For the first time in the history of war-weary Urbanopolis, a Crystal is destroyed. It is now our duty to annihilate these Robosaurs until nothing remains of their civilization¡ªthe very thing they would do to us.¡± With that, she brought the blade of her ax down against the stone altar with a ring of utter finality. Chapter 7: The Weapon Margherita smiled, raised her hands in the air with her knuckles tucked in, and spun on one foot. ¡°Evildoers beware, for I toss the dough of justice¡ªand justice is never half-baked! Saucy, spicy, and a little bit sweet, I am Magical Girl Space Princess Pizza Margherita!¡± Nothing happened. Lowering her eyes and primly interlacing her fingers, she continued, ¡°I used to be a magical girl, but that¡¯s been a couple of years ago now. Soon after I enrolled in high school, I started working part-time at a pizza parlor. One night, when I was closing shop, I saw a poor little dog in the alley out back. He looked terribly hungry, so I fed him a stick of pepperoni. As it turned out, he was an alien from the planet Italia. In thanks for the food, he anointed me princess of his distant world, and he granted me the Power of Pizza. Back then, the greatest threat to the city was an army of carnivorous vegetables called the Salad Soldiers. Their caesar, King Tosser, became my archenemy¡ªfor, as you know, salad is always trying to muscle in on pizza.¡± ¡°I see,¡± said Jake. She sighed. ¡°I finally destroyed him just before my eighteenth birthday. But sometimes I wish¡ª¡± Marionette clapped a hand to her shoulder. ¡°Don¡¯t worry about it, Marge. You served your time, and you did good: without you, Urbanopolis would have fallen prey to man-eating heads of cabbage, and it would lack several exciting pizza recipes.¡± ¡°Still, I miss the power. I miss zipping over the city on my flying pizza, the Pie in the Sky. The pizza is strong in my family: my many-times-great grandfather, Benito Mozzarella, made the harrowing journey from Naples to New York in Old America to make the New Yorkers a pizza they couldn¡¯t refuse. From there, his children moved to Chicago. Thus, the Mozzarella family created both New York and Chicago-style pizza¡ªand they also created both New York and Chicago-style crime syndicates.¡± ¡°That¡¯s amazing,¡± whispered Miss Percy. ¡°You must be very proud.¡± ¡°Oh, I am. I am indeed.¡± Her smile collapsed, and she buried her face in her hands. ¡°But these days, I can¡¯t hardly set foot in a pizza parlor. They all have salad bars! Why? Why do they do that?¡± Marionette put her arm around Margherita¡¯s shoulders. ¡°Shh, it¡¯s okay, Marge. Don¡¯t think about it¡ª¡± ¡°But it¡¯s horrible! Why would anyone eat salad when there¡¯s a cornucopia of pizza¡ª?¡± Jake tapped a fist to his mouth and cleared his throat. ¡°Well, salad bars aren¡¯t all bad. Sometimes they have sliced jalape?os, and those are pretty good if you put them on a Hawaiian¡ª¡± Margherita shuddered. She raised her eyes, and the ferocity in them made Jake step back. ¡°Hawaiian?¡± she whispered. ¡°Uh ¡­¡± ¡°Hawaiian pizza?¡± ¡°Yeah, it¡¯s my favorite¡ª¡± She pushed Marionette aside and, breathing heavily, stalked toward him. ¡°I suppose you like it with pineapple.¡± She practically spat the word. ¡°Well, that¡¯s what goes on¡ª¡± ¡°And ham?¡± Behind Margherita, Marionette rapidly shook her head and drew a finger across her throat. Jake considered for a moment, but then said firmly, ¡°When it¡¯s on my pizza, I call it Canadian bacon.¡± ¡°So you call it Canadian bacon on your Hawaiian pizza?¡± shrieked Margherita. ¡°In what parallel universe does that even make sense?¡± With fingers curled into claws, she leapt for him, and he staggered back. It took both Marionette and Rifle Maiden to hold her as she writhed and kicked. ¡°Defiler of pizza!¡± she screamed. ¡°I kill you! I¡¯m gonna stuff a whole pineapple down your throat and use its spiny exterior to savage your insides, you citrus-eating freak!¡± With a grunt of impatience, Marionette said, ¡°Barfing Boy, when Margherita Della Mozzarella of the fabled Mozzarella crime family asks if you like Hawaiian pizza, you say no.¡± ¡°You know,¡± Jake said through clenched teeth, ¡°I have a name, and it¡¯s not Barfing Boy¡ª¡± A ululating alarm, like the song of a lonely whale, echoed across the city. Everyone paused and looked up. Margherita even stopped foaming at the mouth. ¡°What is that?¡± Jake yelled. ¡°The Warning Call,¡± hissed Marionette. ¡°I haven¡¯t heard it for over sixty years¡ª¡± ¡°Oh my Princess,¡± Miss Percy gasped. ¡°The Temple is firing the Weapon! Things can¡¯t be as bad as that¡ª¡± ¡°Normal humans,¡± Marionette said, ¡°get underground right now and stay there. Magical girls, hunker down; we¡¯ll regroup and organize our hunt as soon as the Weapon¡¯s discharged. Jake grabbed Marionette¡¯s shoulders. ¡°Marionette, if Dynamo¡¯s still inside that ship¡ª¡± She took his hands and peeled them from her gown as she said calmly, ¡°She might not hear the Call.¡± ¡°Then we have to go get her!¡± ¡°We have five minutes. Tops.¡± ¡°Take me up in your plane, and we¡¯ll¡ª¡± ¡°Dynamo knows the Call. She¡¯s brave, but not stupid. If she hears it, she¡¯ll get out. If she doesn¡¯t, she won¡¯t be the only magical girl to die for the city today.¡± ¡°But¡ª¡± Now Marionette grabbed his collar and brought her nose against his. ¡°This is total war! Every darn day, humanity faces extinction at the hands of monsters or aliens or eldritch abominations, and we are the only thing standing in the way! I will not have some mere civilian making a futile gesture and getting killed trying to save just one magical girl!¡± She released him, but poked a finger hard against his chest. ¡°You¡¯re just a boy. You can¡¯t save her. Now, you¡¯re going to get in a shelter and stay safe, and then you¡¯re going to grow into a man, get married, have lots of children, and perpetuate the human race!¡± She gave him a hard shove and sent him reeling into Miss Percy, who caught him around the waist. Marionette walked away. ¡°Calm your instincts,¡± she said, her back to him. ¡°Urbanopolis can¡¯t afford chivalry. There can be no princes rescuing princesses, not in this city.¡± He clenched his fists, and his voice quavered as he said, ¡°How can I grow into a man if I can¡¯t act like one?¡± She didn¡¯t answer, so he shouted, ¡°Aren¡¯t you the one who told me to watch out for Pretty Dynamo?¡± ¡°Darn it.¡± She jerked a thumb over her shoulder. ¡°Rifle Maiden, get him out of here.¡± In a flash, Rifle Maiden snatched him out of Miss Percy¡¯s arms and put him in a painful thumb hold, grabbing his left hand and forcing his palm toward his wrist. He sucked his breath through his teeth and went up on his toes. Rifle Maiden whispered in his ear, ¡°I like ya an¡¯ all, but Marionette¡¯s right.¡± She pushed him toward the school, and his body followed her directions of its own accord. With his free hand, he tried to peel her fingers away from him, but he might as well have been trying to bend a crowbar. Whenever he resisted, she applied more pressure and brought him up on his toes again. When he stopped resisting, she took the pressure off, allowing him to drop back onto his heels and even slouch an inch. He relaxed as much as he was able. He hung his head and sighed. Her grip loosened. Then he rammed his leg behind her knee and grabbed her crotch. He knew he had no chance of hurting her, but he counted on surprise, and it worked: he snapped his hand out of her grasp and jumped away. Back arched, head high, and fingers pointed, he sprinted at full speed up the street toward Marionette¡¯s biplane. The hard pavement sent shocks up his legs as his feet pounded it. The plane grew steadily closer, closer ¡­ The world flashed blue. The next thing he knew, he was eating pavement: his body went limp, but momentum threw him forward, and he fell like a sack of flour. White sparks jumped in his eyes when his head cracked against the asphalt. His face slid along the ground, and gravel dug into his left cheek. For a long moment, he lay in a twisted heap, one cheek pressed to the road. A boot nudged his shoulder, and he flopped over like a dead fish. Overhead hung the black mothership, the cold lights on its belly shining brightly as the ruddy daylight faded. Streams of sparkles¡ªthe contrails of the retreating magical girls¡ªdropped away from it like shooting stars. Her coat fluttering, her sheriff¡¯s star glistening, and her Stetson casting a shadow across half her face, Rifle Maiden stood over him and blew a faint stream of smoke from the muzzle of her rifle. ¡°That was a stun blast,¡± she said. ¡°You¡¯ll be fine in a few minutes, assumin¡¯ ya didn¡¯t break yer neck.¡± She slid the rifle into its sheath, bent down, and heaved him over her shoulder. As she marched back toward the others, the jovial note re-entered her voice. ¡°I hope ya know, after the move you just pulled, you¡¯ll hafta marry me.¡± Then, more quietly: ¡°I know you¡¯ll be sore ¡¯bout this, but Marionette is right. Ya done the best ya could, so don¡¯t go worryin¡¯ that ya shoulda done more.¡± The blast had numbed him, but after a few seconds, he felt pins and needles in his hands and feet. His arm stung where he¡¯s scraped it on the roof, and his face stung where he¡¯d scraped it on the road. His legs were sore, as if he¡¯d run several miles. The Klaxon stopped wailing, and everything fell silent. Even the breeze stopped. The air grew thick and hot, as on a summer¡¯s midday. Jake felt something heavy and painful in his chest, as if his insides were filling up with lead. ¡°Well,¡± said Rifle Maiden, ¡°shoot.¡± She swung him from her shoulder and threw him hard to the ground, knocking the wind out of him. Then she landed on top of him and covered him with her duster. His chest ached. He felt a brief moment of panic as he struggled to breathe. Each breath burned like a dagger digging into his ribs. She tucked her head down next to his, but she didn¡¯t quite cover his face completely. With his left eye, he could still see the sky: in an instant, a raging fire, black and orange like a gasoline explosion, stretched from horizon to horizon. It roared like a freight train, and all the windows shook. The spaceships soared upward and burst into fireballs as their fuel ignited. Black fragments of debris whizzed away from them, but the flames sucked those up, too, and then the sky was nothing but an endless, unbroken stretch of seething, roiling red. It was as if a limb of the sun had swept close to the Earth¡ªor as if someone had ripped the lid off hell. Jake felt a horrifying vertigo: for a moment of pure terror, up was down, and he was sure he was about to fall straight into the inferno. The tale has been illicitly lifted; should you spot it on Amazon, report the violation. A few feet away, Marionette had pushed Miss Percy to the ground, and Natasha held down Margherita. He heard Miss Percy whimpering, ¡°My grandmother told me, when she was very young, a dragon came, and it filled the whole sky. Twenty magical girls fell at once when its breath touched them. They fluttered to the ground, like paper dolls on the wind. One struck not far from her house¡ªshe cracked the earth, and the magic in her blood made flowers grow. They used the Weapon then, the sky was full of fire¡ª¡± ¡°I remember,¡± whispered Marionette. ¡°Those twenty were my friends, and I knew them each by name.¡± Heat stretched across Jake¡¯s exposed skin, and his eye throbbed. He found he could move his hands again, so he took hold of the collar of Rifle Maiden¡¯s coat and pulled it over his face. He thought about the classroom, about the desk between him and the window. Whenever school started up again, that desk would be empty. Tears ran from his eyes. The pain of breathing intensified as his chest heaved. It was less than a minute, but felt like hours. Miserable and in pain, Jake didn¡¯t even think to enjoy the new sensation of having a girl on top of him. At last, with a faint groan, Rifle Maiden pushed herself off and rolled to her feet. Overhead, the fire was gone, and so were the ships of the Robosaurs. The clouds were gone, too. All that remained was a stretch of blue now darkening to deep purple as the sun dipped to the surface of the bay. Rifle Maiden offered him a hand. He took it, and she pulled him to his feet. He wobbled, but didn¡¯t drop again. ¡°You¡¯re a good guy,¡± she said. ¡°I¡¯d gladly fight at yer side, if¡¯n you was a girl. What¡¯s yer name?¡± ¡°Jake.¡± She patted him. ¡°I meant what I said ¡¯bout that sarsaparilla, but I figger you¡¯ll be sore at me for a few days. Get in the shelter so¡¯s I don¡¯t hafta shoot¡¯cha again, an¡¯ maybe I¡¯ll see ya ¡¯round.¡± She walked to her cow, who patiently chewed her cud as if nothing had happened. Rifle Maiden swung a leg over the cow¡¯s back. ¡°Giddyup, Bossy. Time t¡¯ hunt fer some more evil robots.¡± ¡°Moo,¡± Bossy replied. Rifle Maiden looked over her shoulder at Marionette, who was helping Miss Percy off the ground, and added, ¡°No offense.¡± ¡°I¡¯m not programmed to take any,¡± Marionette replied as she dusted off her gown. She walked near to Jake and paused at his shoulder, looking past him instead of meeting his eye. Under her breath, she said, ¡°When I asked you to watch out for her, I meant ¡­ I meant when you could. There are things you can¡¯t do, and there are places you can¡¯t go. I¡¯m sorry.¡± Her biplane had melted into a puddle of grease, so she pulled the pencil from her back, spun it in her hands, and brought the sharp point down to the surface of the road. ¡°By the power of imagination! From my mind, through my hands¡ªto reality!¡± As she spoke, she sketched. Once she finished, she reached down and, from the pavement, peeled up a beanie with an oversized propeller. After she took off her aviatrix cap and slapped on the beanie in its place, the propeller spun and lifted her into the air. Jake heard a faint screaming¡ªa single, steady note. It sounded like a young girl. He looked around, trying to pinpoint the source. ¡°That voice. I know¡ª¡± The scream grew steadily louder, and then a blue streak shot out of the sky and smashed straight into Marionette. She plummeting to the ground, where she rolled over three times and lay still. The streak continued on until it crashed into a corner of the school and brought down a hail of brick and broken glass. Jake ran toward it. ¡°Wait!¡± Miss Percy called. ¡°That could be another¡ª¡± A pair of blue pigtails rose out of rubble, and Pretty Dynamo¡¯s irritated voice said, ¡°Zappin¡¯ A! That hurt like a motherboard!¡± She stood up, coughed, and brushed the brick dust from her arms. Jake grabbed her, pulled her out of the pile, and hugged her to his chest. ¡°Whoa, whoa! Hands off, pervert!¡± ¡°You¡¯re alive!¡± ¡°What? Oh. Yeah ¡­¡± For less than a second, the tension left her, and she went slack in his arms, but then she roughly shoved him back. ¡°How did you get out?¡± he asked. ¡°Of what? The ship? Eh, I was already outta that thing.¡± She kicked a chunk of brick. ¡°I wanted to find the engine room, you know? We were tracin¡¯ the electromagnetic fields of their wiring, but I got led off by secondary systems. I fried what I could, but they kept sendin¡¯ robots at us. I got behind a door an¡¯ arc-welded it shut with my finger to block ¡¯em off, but ¡­ anyway, I blew out another airlock.¡± She shrugged. ¡°What about the Weapon?¡± ¡°Huh? Oh, yeah.¡± She rubbed the back of her neck. ¡°I heard the alarm goin¡¯ soon as I got outside, so me an¡¯ Tesla dropped fast, but kinda caught the edge of it.¡± Her eyes widened, and she quickly dived back into the pile of debris. She dug frantically, pelting Jake with chunks of brick. He raised his arms and stumbled back. At last, she brought up the lightning bug. One lens of his glasses was cracked. He quivered in her hands, but she prodded his abdomen until he coughed loudly, opened his eyes, and said, ¡°Ah, Dyna ¡­ that was a jolly good kip.¡± He opened his shell, extended his wings, and fluttered to her shoulder. ¡°Shame about these, though,¡± he added, sniffing as he pulled his glasses off and vainly wiped them with a tiny kerchief. Dynamo sighed in relief. She dug into the debris again until she came up with what was left of her Circuit Board. She only found half of it. Cracks veined the blue glasslike material, which ended at a charred, jagged edge. ¡°Well, zap.¡± ¡°That¡¯s going to take at least two weeks to regenerate, Dyna,¡± Tesla said. ¡°You still have your wand, don¡¯t you?¡± ¡°Yeah, I got it.¡± She patted the wand at her hip. ¡°Looks like we¡¯re gonna be ground-bounders for a while.¡± She tried to rise to her feet, but, with a look of shock on her face, sank slowly back to her knees. From her tiara, her goggles dropped over her eyes, and pink text scrolled rapidly across their lenses. Tesla said, ¡°You¡¯ve overexerted. One moment¡ªI¡¯m patching into your diagnostic utility. Hm ¡­ yes, status of electronic and mechanical components is nominal, but I¡¯m afraid I can¡¯t say the same for organics. Your musculoskeletal system is at its limit. Bedrest indicated. And dinner, and maybe some Epsom salts.¡± She pounded a fist against a brick. ¡°Zap it all, we didn¡¯t get anything done!¡± ¡°Dyna, you did single-handedly storm the¡ª¡± ¡°So what? They used the Weapon! That whole trip was a waste!¡± ¡°You fought well.¡± Tesla rubbed a forelimb against her cheek, perhaps to calm her down. ¡°In any case, you¡¯re finished for now.¡± Jake held a hand toward her. ¡°Grease Pencil Marionette is giving me a time-out in the shelter for not playing well with others. So, wanna join me inside a dark room in the school? It¡¯ll be like old times.¡± ¡°Zap you, Jake. I¡¯m not through yet. Tesla, activate my backup.¡± ¡°Absolutely not,¡± Tesla answered. ¡°Pretty Dynamo! Jake!¡± Miss Percy yelled. ¡°We have a problem!¡± Jake turned around to see Margherita and Miss Percy kneeling over Marionette, who lay spread-eagled in the road. ¡°She¡¯s not breathing!¡± Miss Percy cried. ¡°Well, she doesn¡¯t have to breathe,¡± said Margherita. ¡°But she¡¯s definitely deactivated.¡± Dynamo put her hands to her head and pressed her face to her knees. ¡°Oh no, no, no! I broke Magical Girl Marionette¡ª!¡± ¡°Don¡¯t you have, like, electrical powers?¡± Jake asked. ¡°Can¡¯t you jump-start her, or¡ª?¡± ¡°She¡¯s not a car, you zappin¡¯ idiot!¡± ¡°I think I can handle this,¡± Margherita said as she cracked her knuckles. ¡°Once, when King Tosser had struck her with the Tongs of Infamy¡ª¡± Natasha bent into a low crouch, raised her head, and sniffed the air. ¡°I apologize for interrupting your reminiscence of your glory days, Miss Mozzarella, but the Loa are warning me.¡± ¡°Of what?¡± Miss Percy asked. ¡°Bad juju,¡± Natasha replied. ¡°Very, very bad juju.¡± Her hands moving so fast that they blurred, Rifle Maiden pulled her rifle and fired. With a red flash and a rain of nuts and bolts, something heavy fell from the school¡¯s roof. Spinning the rifle to cock it one-handed, she sprinted over and leveled the gun at a quivering mass of metal. It was silver in color, like the other Robosaurs, but it bristled with jagged, razor-sharp fans that Jake realized, after staring at them for a moment, were metal feathers. The thing lay on its side on the school lawn, but would probably stand three feet tall when upright. It had long arms, each ending in three fingers tipped with sharp claws. Useless, vestigial wing feathers drooped from its wrists. Its long, stiff tail ended in a gaudy fan. Each of its legs ended in thick feet with three toes. Adorning the innermost toe of each foot was a claw shaped like a sickle. The thing lifted its reptilian head and hissed. Jaw set, Rifle Maiden, with a deafening boom, blasted its skull apart. ¡°What was that?¡± Margherita called. Jake swallowed. ¡°Velociraptor.¡± ¡°It¡¯s a scout,¡± said Rifle Maiden, spitting the piece of straw out of her mouth and cocking her rifle again. She walked toward the sprawled Marionette. ¡°We gotta get to¡ª¡± ¡°It is too late, my friend,¡± said Natasha. From her crouch, she gestured at the surrounding rooftops. Six or more Velociraptors stood on top of each of the houses and silently watched the street below, their fingers twitching and their clawed toes flexing. One opened its mouth to display its many sharp teeth, and it released a long, low snarl. ¡°Welp,¡± said Rifle Maiden, a wide grin revealing her buckteeth, ¡°now the fun really begins.¡± Chapter 8: Magical Girl vs. Velociraptor Breathing heavily, Dynamo dragged herself across the school lawn. ¡°Tesla, backup systems!¡± Tesla hovered before her face. ¡°Dyna¡ª¡± ¡°Do it!¡± ¡°Dyna, I want you to reach your eighteenth birthday still human!¡± ¡°Zap it all, none of us is reachin¡¯ another birthday unless you boot me up!¡± Tesla sighed and put two forelimbs to his head. ¡°Very well ¡­ activating.¡± Dynamo screamed. Zigzagging gold lines appeared across her arms, legs, stomach, and face. She threw herself backwards, slammed her head into the ground, arched her back, and shook. ¡°What¡¯s happening to her?¡± Jake shouted. ¡°I¡¯m temporarily shutting down her organics and turning complete control over to her artificial systems.¡± ¡°What do you mean, artificial systems¡ª?¡± ¡°Why, isn¡¯t it obvious, young man?¡± Tesla adjusted his cracked glasses. ¡°Magical Girl Pretty Dynamo is a cyborg.¡± Her face slack, Dynamo snapped to her feet. As if she were a puppet pulled by invisible strings, her hand jerked her wand from her belt. ¡°Lightning Rod,¡± she said in a flat voice. With a hiss, the wand expanded, and the end opened to reveal its spear point. Her head turned on her neck until she faced Jake. Her green eyes looked glassy, like a doll¡¯s eyes. ¡°Human noncombatant, remove to safe location.¡± Her tread heavy, she stepped past him. He grabbed her shoulder. ¡°Dynamo¡ª¡± She paused for a moment, but then slipped from his grasp. ¡°I have to go. Somewhere, there is a magical battle happening.¡± ¡°Huh?¡± ¡°Over here! Quickly!¡± Margherita shouted. Jake and Bossy both ran to her and Miss Percy, who knelt over Marionette. Rifle Maiden and Voodoo Queen Natasha slowly circled the knot of humans and the cow, eyes on the dinosaurs. ¡°They¡¯re afraid to attack,¡± Rifle Maiden said, holding her gun at her shoulder. ¡°Robosaurs!¡± Natasha shouted. ¡°Your ships are destroyed! You are alone! No one is coming to succor you! Flee now to the wastes where the monsters prowl, and we will not pursue. But if you remain in our city, then, as the Princess lives, we will hunt you down to the last robot and destroy you from the face of the earth!¡± On top of the bungalow the Stegosaur had earlier struck, a Velociraptor stepped forward and hissed, ¡°Even if we die, no more to be repaired or to have our data reloaded, it will be worth it if we can kill but one filthy magical girl!¡± With that, the Velociraptors leapt from the roofs and charged en masse. Rifle Maiden¡¯s rifle turned into a spinning blur as she fired, cocked, and fired again, blazing away one-handed from the hip. So fast was she that her magical Winchester sounded like a machine gun. Each blast found its mark, and dinosaur after dinosaur blew apart in a red flash. But the dinosaurs kept coming in waves, pouring over the houses. With a curse, Rifle Maiden sheathed the rifle and pulled her revolvers. The guns barked so rapidly that Jake couldn¡¯t distinguish individual shots. The chambers of the revolvers spun, but Rifle Maiden never reloaded. Tilting to the side, she sprinted around the huddled humans and her cow, still firing. Velociraptors littered the street, missing limbs or with holes punched in their sides, writhing on the ground and crying for their incubation pods. Oil ran like blood. There were so many dead or damaged dinosaurs that they formed heaps, but others climbed atop them and leapt for the humans below. Rifle Maiden shot them out of the air. A thick, acrid haze, like the smoke of expended powder, hung overhead. Fast and deadly though she was, Rifle Maiden couldn¡¯t keep all the dinosaurs at bay. Pretty Dynamo twirled her Lightning Rod and struck any Velociraptor that drew close. Whenever a dinosaur met her spear, it shrieked as its body jerked. Sparks burst from its joints as she overloaded its electronics. She leapt, pirouetted, and flipped. All the while, the Lightning Rod never ceased its spinning. In her blue tutu, with her jerky but precise cyborg movements and the showy but accurate strikes of her electrified spear, she looked like a ballerina with a penchant for Kung fu performing the ¡°Dance of the Mechanical Dolls¡± while high on caffeine. Meanwhile, Voodoo Queen Natasha hunkered down and rapidly constructed crude Velociraptor figures out of wax. As soon as she finished one, she pulled off its legs, broke it in half, or wrung its neck like a chicken¡¯s. Whenever she did so, a dinosaur in the horde would shriek and drop, some part of its body having fallen to the street with a crash, its cleanly severed hoses spurting hydraulic fluid. ¡°Jake!¡± Margherita shouted. ¡°Help me get Marionette¡¯s dress off!¡± Jake tore his eyes from the battle and stared down at the prone form of the magical girl robot. She looked as if asleep. ¡°Why?¡± Margherita rolled her eyes. ¡°Just grab her ankles!¡± Jake grabbed Marionette¡¯s feet and lifted. Margherita seized the dress by the hem and ripped, splitting it straight up to Marionette¡¯s neck. Jake started in surprise. He had thought that magical girls¡¯ costumes were as durable as the girls themselves; but he supposed that Marionette, as a robot, probably had only non-magical clothes. Somehow, exposing her made her looked even more androgynous. Her body was slender but well-muscled, her hips narrow and her chest flat. Under the dress, she wore what looked like a pair of bloomers and a sports bra. ¡°You have to understand,¡± Margherita said, ¡°that her inventor wanted her to look human, so there was a limited number of places he could hide her controls¡ª¡± ¡°Oh, sweet Princess!¡± Jake clapped a hand over his eyes. ¡°Don¡¯t tell me she¡¯s got a reboot switch in her hoo-ha!¡± ¡°Gross! No, it¡¯s in her armpit. What¡¯s wrong with you?¡± Margherita reached under Marionette¡¯s left arm and fiddled around. ¡°I¡¯ve almost got it ¡­ ah!¡± ¡°You can turn her back on?¡± asked Miss Percy. ¡°We¡¯ll see. Her familiar runs on a separate system ¡­ here we go!¡± A translucent image of a cartoonish-looking little boy, about six inches tall and clad in yellow shorts, a red-striped shirt, and a propeller beanie, popped into existence in the air above Marionette¡¯s chest. ¡°Hi, I¡¯m Takumi!¡± he said in a cheerful voice. ¡°You can ask me anything!¡± Jake frowned. ¡°That¡¯s her familiar?¡± ¡°Sort of. She¡¯s a simulated magical girl, so she has a simulated familiar. He¡¯s a hologram.¡± ¡°It looks like you¡¯re trying to activate a Magical Girl Marionette,¡± Takumi said. ¡°Would you like help with that?¡± ¡°Yes!¡± said Jake. Margherita waved her hands and shouted, ¡°No! No ¡­ ah, rats. Too late.¡± Takumi spun in the air, winked, and said, ¡°It looks like your trial version of the Grease Pencil Magic Module has expired. Would you like to download and try one of the four hundred and seventy-three other exciting Magic Modules available on our website?¡± ¡°Sure,¡± said Jake. Margherita waved her hands again. ¡°No! No! Jake, just shut up!¡± ¡°I¡¯m sorry,¡± said Takumi. ¡°Your model of Magical Girl Marionette is only compatible with the Grease Pencil Magic Module. Would you like to try the Grease Pencil Magic Module?¡± Margherita breathed a sigh of relief. ¡°Okay, I guess you didn¡¯t screw it up too badly ¡­ yes, please, Takumi.¡± ¡°It looks like your trial version of the Grease Pencil Magic Module has expired. Would you like to download and try one of the four hundred and seventy-three other exciting Magic Modules available on our website?¡± Margherita buried her face in her hands. ¡°What¡¯s the matter?¡± Jake asked. ¡°I thought her inventor was some kind of super-genius!¡± ¡°He was,¡± Margherita moaned, ¡°but he also worked for Microsoft!¡± Miss Percy shrieked and Bossy lowed as a Velociraptor burst into their midst. Margherita sprawled across Marionette, making Takumi¡¯s image flicker. With a high-pitched growl, the dinosaur raised a clawed foot toward Jake¡¯s groin. Rifle Maiden shoved her way in, put a revolver to its head, and blew its positronic brains out. With a distorted snarl, the dinosaur fell sideways as screws, lug nuts, and fluids burst from its head and splattered Jake¡¯s shirt. His stomach lurched at the strong smell of oil and mineral spirits. ¡°Sure could use another magical girl out here!¡± Rifle Maiden shouted. ¡°We¡¯re working on it!¡± Jake shouted back. ¡°Just hold them off!¡± ¡°I got infinite ammo, but I ain¡¯t got infinite energy!¡± ¡°And I am running out of mojo,¡± said Natasha wearily. Tesla zipped around Jake¡¯s head. ¡°Pretty Dynamo can¡¯t run on backup for long or her organics will shut down permanently!¡± ¡°Dang it.¡± Jake threw himself down beside Margherita and jammed a hand into Marionette¡¯s armpit. He found a hard nodule there. It gave a little under his fingertips, so he forced it down. ¡°When computers give me trouble like this, I just reboot and start again!¡± ¡°Ah,¡± said Margherita, ¡°you¡¯re one of those people. I hope you like lo schermo blu della morte¡ª¡± Takumi flickered out of existence and then flickered back in. ¡°Hi, I¡¯m Takumi! You can ask me anything!¡± ¡°Takumi, give me a command prompt!¡± shouted Margherita. Takumi slid to the left, and a big blue screen snapped into existence beside him. White text appeared across it:
MAGICAL GIRL MARIONETTE Fully Functional Combat-Ready Magical Girl Simulation System OS ver. 1.63 Model No. 1a, Self-Serious Tomboy-Type GREASE PENCIL Magic Module Factory Pre-Installed C:>_
¡°Does she have a keyboard?¡± Jake asked. ¡°That¡¯s in her hoo-ha. But she responds to voice prompts, like this: Takumi, ¡®M,¡¯ ¡®A,¡¯ ¡®I,¡¯ ¡®N¡¯¡ª¡± ¡°You have to spell out her commands like that?¡± Margherita hung her head. ¡°Sorry, I never learned to touch-type.¡± ¡°But ¡­ ah, never mind.¡± He slapped a hand to his forehead. ¡°Even former magical girls are complete nutjobs.¡± Takumi grinned and spun in a circle. He said, ¡°I can guide you through the diagnostic and activation process with easy-to-follow branching dialogue trees. Would you like to try this method?¡± Teeth clenched, Jake met Margherita¡¯s eyes. She shrugged. ¡°I guess we¡¯ve got nothing to lose now¡ª¡± The screen beside Takumi lit up with a cartoon picture of a young girl with ribbons in her hair and ridiculously large blue eyes. She licked an ice cream cone. ¡°You¡¯re on a date with the super-cute Mai-chan,¡± Takumi said, ¡°when you see some of her ice cream has landed on her cheek! Do you A) ignore it, B) tell her she has something on her face, or C) lick it off?¡± Jake blinked. ¡°I think we brought up the wrong¡ª¡± Miss Percy crawled up beside Jake, shoved him aside, and shouted, ¡°C! Definitely!¡± When Jake grimaced, she blushed and added, ¡°Well ¡­ that¡¯s what I¡¯d do.¡± ¡°Seriously?¡± ¡°Correct!¡± said Takumi. ¡°Congratulations! Diagnostics complete! You are almost ready to activate your Magical Girl Marionette Model 1a, Self-Serious Tomboy-Type, with Grease Pencil Magic Module factory pre-installed! To ensure that this is a legally purchased Magical Girl Marionette and not some cheap knockoff from China¡ª¡± ¡°Cryin¡¯ out loud!¡± Jake shouted. ¡°China doesn¡¯t exist anymore!¡± ¡°¡ªplease input the OEM number, which you can find printed on the bottom of your Magical Girl Marionette¡¯s left foot.¡± Miss Percy scooted across Marionette¡¯s legs and scrabbled at her foot for a few seconds, at last yanking off her shoe, which looked like a Peter Pan slipper with a curled toe. ¡°Oh my Princess,¡± she cried, ¡°it¡¯s got at least sixty digits¡ª¡± ¡°Uh huh,¡± said Margherita. ¡°Microsoft.¡± Voice rising in pitch as she grew increasingly frantic, Miss Percy shouted out the numbers. Each digit appeared on Takumi¡¯s screen as she recited it. At last, Takumi spun in another pirouette, winked, held up two fingers in a victory sign and announced, ¡°Your Magical Girl Marionette has been verified! A kiss from a prince will awaken the princess!¡± The narrative has been illicitly obtained; should you discover it on Amazon, report the violation. Marionette didn¡¯t move. Jake prodded her bare abdomen. ¡°What? What do we do now? Does she need another code?¡± ¡°No,¡± said Margherita. ¡°She needs a kiss, like Takumi said.¡± ¡°What?¡± ¡°A kiss, Jake. From you.¡± ¡°Are ¡­ are you telling me my first kiss is gonna be with an unconscious robot?¡± Miss Percy clutched his arm, and her glasses slid down her nose. ¡°You¡¯ve gotta do this Jake! Please!¡± ¡°Why don¡¯t you do it?¡± ¡°What?¡± she cried, clenching her fists under her chin. ¡°You think I want my first kiss to be with an unconscious robot?¡± Margherita put a hand on Jake¡¯s shoulder. ¡°Jake, I¡¯m sorry, but Takumi said prince. That means a boy ¡­ well, unless it means one of those crossdressing magical girls, but we don¡¯t have one of those! ¡°Rifle Maiden might count.¡± ¡°She¡¯s busy! You¡¯ve got to kiss Marionette! Now!¡± Jake stared down at Marionette¡¯s small, pink, heart-shaped mouth. He swallowed. A Velociraptor snapped at Rifle¡¯s Maiden¡¯s stomach and tried to reach her with its claws. She held it off with a wrist against its throat. ¡°Whatever y¡¯all are doin¡¯,¡± she shouted, ¡°y¡¯all better hurry it up!¡± Jake took a deep breath. ¡°Okay. I¡¯m going in.¡± He leaned down, bringing his face to within a few inches of Marionette¡¯s. Her eyes were closed, but her eyelids were relaxed. She really looked as if she were just asleep¡ª ¡°C¡¯mon!¡± yelled Margherita. ¡°Girls don¡¯t like it when you hesitate!¡± He gently pressed his lips against the robot¡¯s. At first, it felt as if he was kissing plastic, but then her lips turned warm and grew softer. She started to respond. Hey, I could get into this¡ª She surprised him when she wrapped her arms around his shoulders, pulled him down, and kissed him deeply, drawing his lower lip into her mouth. Oh my Princess! I¡¯m pretty sure that¡¯s her tongue¡ª After a few seconds, she released him, pushed her hands against his chest to lift him off her, and opened her eyes. She frowned. ¡°Jake?¡± ¡°Uh ¡­ hi.¡± She sat up and rotated her shoulders, as if testing sore muscles. ¡°My start button¡¯s in my lip. You just had to press it with something. I don¡¯t need an actual kiss.¡± ¡°Darn it,¡± Jake muttered. ¡°How do you feel?¡± Margherita asked. Marionette gave Jake a sidelong glance touched with a mischievous smile. ¡°Inspired.¡± She snapped to her feet, held her pencil tip against the ground, and ran a tight circle around the noncombatants. ¡°By the power of imagination! From my mind, through my hands¡ªto reality! You four! Don¡¯t move!¡± Jake gasped and Miss Percy clutched him as the ground inside the circle shot into the air, having transformed into a hydraulic lift. They rose twenty feet and stopped with a hard jerk. Now above the height a Velociraptor could jump, they had a better view of the carnage. Down to her underwear and with only one shoe, Marionette spun her grease pencil and, with a war whoop, leapt into the fray. Her fighting style was much like Dynamo¡¯s, but more fluid. She kept her pencil constantly in motion, spinning it to block attacks and, whenever she found an opening, jam its sharp point into a Velociraptor¡¯s joints. The pencil punched through the dinosaurs¡¯ armor as if they were made of paper. ¡°Anything she can imagine can come out of the point of that pencil,¡± Margherita murmured. ¡°If she imagines the dinosaurs¡¯ armor turned to eggshell or fine china where she touches them, it happens.¡± She whapped a Velociraptor with the pencil¡¯s blunt end and then, as it reeled, quickly sketched a scimitar on the ground. She bent down, picked up the sword, and slammed it into the dinosaur¡¯s neck, severing its head and sending it skidding across the asphalt. She drew a circle, the interior of which turned strangely dark, as if a shadow covered it. A Velociraptor stepped on it and fell straight down, screaming, as if the circle were a hole. With her foot, Marionette smudged the circle¡¯s edge, turning it back into a simple grease mark. Another Velociraptor sprinted toward her, so she skipped backward, holding the pencil down and drawing a thick line as she went. Then she grabbed the line, snapped it like a whip, wrapped the Velociraptor¡¯s torso, and gave it a hard yank. The dinosaur sailed through the air toward her, mouth spread wide. She slammed her pencil down its throat, striking with such force that its body burst apart in a shower of metal bits and oil. ¡°Remind me never to cheese her off,¡± Jake said. Margherita shook her head. ¡°Whenever robots attack, she¡¯s always a little more ¡­ well ¡­ vicious.¡± At last, only one Velociraptor remained. With apparent confusion on its metal face, it snapped its head back and forth to view its fallen comrades, and its long digits twitched. ¡°Mercy,¡± it rasped. ¡°Too late,¡± Rifle Maiden answered. She dispatched it with a shot to the head, and it fell sideways with a heavy thud. Everything was deafeningly silent. There were no longer explosions coming from overhead, nor were there ferocious roars in the street. A few of the dinosaurs, seriously damaged but not quite deactivated, moaned or hissed or feebly jerked their limbs, but aside from that, there was no sound. A thick smoke hovered in the air. It stank of heavy metals. Jake looked out over the intersection, the sidewalk, the lawns, the rooftops. He counted a hundred destroyed machines before he stopped counting. Marionette raised a hand toward the elevated platform. With a hiss and a low hum, it lowered until it was again level with the rest of the road. Rifle Maiden walked amongst the downed Velociraptors. Whenever she found one that was still moving, she put a revolver to its head and pulled the trigger. The cracks of her guns echoed from the houses. Jake inclined his head toward her as he walked up to Marionette. ¡°Is that really necessary?¡± ¡°The universe is full of vermin,¡± Marionette replied, her gray eyes surveying the street. ¡°We¡¯re the exterminators. That¡¯s what it means to be a magical girl.¡± Natasha crouched nearby. ¡°Do you pity them?¡± she asked. ¡°They would not have pitied you.¡± Beside Marionette, the translucent image of Takumi winked and whirled, his movements punctuated by the thunder of Rifle Maiden¡¯s gun. Jake rubbed the back of his neck. ¡°Look, Marionette, about that kiss, I¡¯m really¡ª¡± ¡°It¡¯s not the first time.¡± Marionette didn¡¯t look at him. Instead, she focused on the tip of her pencil, which she slowly rotated in her hands. ¡°It¡¯s not, huh?¡± He slumped. She took a deep breath and released it in a long, slow sigh. ¡°Look, Jake, I don¡¯t know how to soften this, so I¡¯ll give it to you straight: it¡¯s true that I was designed to imitate an adolescent girl, but I decided a long time ago that it would be best for all involved if I didn¡¯t form certain sorts of relationships.¡± ¡°Marionette, I didn¡¯t mean to imply that¡ª¡± ¡°Yes, you did. I know exactly what you¡¯re thinking, Jake. My empathy algorithms are complex, self-correcting, and very accurate. I told you I could read people, remember?¡± He swallowed and stared at his shoes. She dug the knife in deeper. ¡°And as for my reaction, that was an automatic, preprogrammed response. My consciousness simulator hadn¡¯t booted up yet.¡± ¡°You mean you don¡¯t even remember?¡± ¡°It logged in my memory, so I remembered it retroactively after I finished booting up.¡± She paused, still staring at her pencil tip. ¡°In any case, you¡¯re not my type. I¡¯m more than two centuries old, and I¡¯m not interested in little boys.¡± A few feet away, Pretty Dynamo¡¯s spear retracted until it was just a wand, which she reattached to her belt. She stood stock still for a moment. Then, with a loud whump, she fell flat on her face. ¡°Dynamo!¡± Jake ran to her side, knelt, and turned her over. He put an ear beside her mouth and sighed in relief when he felt her breath. With a buzz, Tesla landed near her head. ¡°Her organics are back online, but she¡¯s depleted her energy stores. Young man¡ª¡± ¡°Jake. My name¡¯s Jake.¡± ¡°Fine. Jake, I need you to do something. She no longer has the energy to maintain her form¡ª¡± ¡°Her what?¡± ¡°She¡¯s going to turn back into her alter ego!¡± It took Jake a moment to grasp what that meant. When he did, he snatched her up. Surprised at her weight, he stumbled as he lifted her: he guessed that she was at least eleven stone, probably twice what Dana weighed. But she still weighed less than he did; he was big for his age and in good health, so, cradling her in his arms, he took off at a full run toward the playground.
Silent and expressionless, Marionette watched him go. She spun her pencil in her hands and tried to slide it into its sheath. Then she chuckled when she remembered that she was down to her undergarments. Natasha rose from her crouch and slid up to her side. She nodded in the direction where Jake had gone. ¡°That was cruel,¡± she said. ¡°That was necessary,¡± Marionette replied. Behind her, Rifle Maiden¡¯s gun cracked.
With Tesla buzzing about his shoulders, Jake sprinted around the corner of the building, found the hole the Triceratops had made, picked his way across the scattered brick, and walked into the gym. He considered going to the basement, but that would no doubt be where Margherita and Miss Percy were headed, so he instead ran toward the equipment cupboard. Just as he got to the door, Dynamo glowed white. Jake clenched his teeth as his hair stood on end and snaps of electricity stung his chest and knuckles. For a moment, he could feel Dana¡¯s sweat-slicked body in his hands when her costume evaporated, but then her school uniform reappeared, and the burden in his arms was suddenly feather-light. He got the door open, ducked inside, and gently lowered Dana onto the pile of wrestling mats. Once he closed the door, Tesla flew onto a shelf and activated his luminescent organ, filling the room with a pale yellow glow. He hunted around for something resembling a blanket, but only found a musty tarp covering a rack of aluminum baseball bats. He took up the tarp, considered it for a moment, and finally dragged it to the mats. As gently as he could, he tucked it around Dana¡¯s shoulders. Her breathing was less shallow now. She snored faintly. Sleep and Tesla¡¯s light smoothed and softened her features. Her sullen glare was gone. Now that she had changed back into her alter ego, her disheveled red hair and freckles had returned. Pretty Dynamo¡¯s face was almost the same as Dana¡¯s, but it was precisely symmetrical and free of blemishes, as if sculpted from wax. Jake gazed at her for a moment and decided that he preferred Dana¡¯s more human face. She really was pretty when she wasn¡¯t sneering. ¡°Is she gonna be okay?¡± he asked. ¡°She needs rest,¡± Tesla replied quietly, ¡°but, yes, I think she will recover this time.¡± ¡°This time?¡± ¡°The use of her backup system entails certain risks.¡± Murmuring faintly, she turned onto her side. Gripping the tarp, she curled up and resumed snoring. Some of her hair fell across her face, so Jake gently brushed it back behind her ear. Exhaustion finally overwhelmed him. His calves burned, as if he¡¯d spent the last several hours doing stair runs. His hands shook. With a groan, he sank heavily to the floor. ¡°I realize you¡¯re tired,¡± Tesla said, ¡°but at least one of us should stay awake in case of trouble.¡± ¡°Okay,¡± said Jake. ¡°You go first. I¡¯ve got nothing left.¡± Tesla chuckled. ¡°Typical,¡± he said. ¡°Typical human. Typical human male.¡± Chapter 9: Pizza for Breakfast Bleary and grumpy, the Dark Queen slouched on her throne. She had another drink in hand: this one was a Bloody Mary spiced with Worcestershire, Tabasco, and horseradish¡ªsome hair of the dog to take the edge off a hangover. The night before, depressed by the Robosaurs¡¯ early invasion, she had finally sat down with her henchmen in the Rec Room of Darkness to watch the battle unfold on the news. When the Temple of the Moon Princess had fired the Weapon and opened a portal to eternal perdition above the city¡¯s skyline, she had decided to get drunk. Her only consolation was the certain knowledge that many of the non-magical humans caught outside when the Weapon fired had failed their san checks. ¡°What a waste,¡± she muttered. ¡°What an absolute waste.¡± Her head pounded. She had wanted to phone in sick today, but she had to take an important call. Holding a silver tray with a black telephone perched upon it as if he were a bellhop at a fancy hotel, Chirops waddled toward her, stopped at the foot of her dais, and bowed deeply. The phone slid off his tray with a clatter. ¡°Ah!¡± The Queen put a hand to her throbbing head. ¡°Not so loud, fool!¡± ¡°My apologies, Your Darkness,¡± Chirops simpered, ¡°but there¡¯s a call for you.¡± He put a claw to the side of his snout and hissed, ¡°It¡¯s the General!¡± She sighed. ¡°Give me the phone.¡± After he picked up the telephone in his wings and clutched it against his chest, he resumed his waddling. Once he reached her footstool, she snatched the handset and put it to her ear. She winced in pain when a gravelly voice bellowed from the earpiece. ¡°Hello, General,¡± she said. For a minute, she listened to the bellowing and took a long pull from her Bloody Mary. ¡°Yes, mm hm. Yes. That¡¯s right. Yes, the entire Robosaur civilization. Yes, wiped out. Completely. Well, I¡¯m sure there are a few left, General, but I expect the magical girls to have them mopped up by the end of the day. No, there¡¯s nothing I can do about it on my end. Nothing significant, anyway. Mm hm.¡± She tapped her fingers against the arm of her throne. ¡°How is that my fault? Carrying an entire civilization through space, traveling from system to system, devouring all the resources like locusts, and then moving on? Who does that? So many of you guys have nuclear fusion, antigravity, and interstellar travel, so why can¡¯t you husband your resources? Why can¡¯t a super-civilization learn how to plant a freaking tree? It¡¯s bull honkey!¡± She sipped her Bloody Mary. ¡°It¡¯s an Earth expression, General. It means honkey from a bull.¡± The bellowing on the other end grew louder. She took another drink. The vodka made the General slightly more tolerable. ¡°I wanted an army, General. Nobody asked the Robosaurs to bring their mates and children. If they think sticking a bunch of noncombatants in the air above a war zone is a great idea, that¡¯s their problem.¡± She listened again for a few seconds. ¡°Yes, was their problem. That¡¯s what I meant. Obviously, they¡¯re dead now.¡± Another gulp. She was beginning to feel the buzz. ¡°Come to think of it, how do robots have mates and children anyway¡ª? No, never mind. It¡¯s not important.¡± She held the phone a foot from her head and squinched up her eyes as the bellowing reached a fever pitch and then suddenly stopped. ¡°Hm? What¡¯s that, General? Yes, I¡¯ll hold.¡± She covered the mouthpiece and said, ¡°Well, now we¡¯ve torn it. The Evil Space Aliens¡¯ Union is pissed.¡± Her purple tongue sliding across her lips, Matilda slinked up to the throne and bowed deeply. ¡°If I may, Your Darkness, I believe I have some good news.¡± ¡°I¡¯m sick of good news!¡± She drained the Bloody Mary to the dregs and considered sending a sycophant to make her another. ¡°I meant bad ¡­ um ¡­ evil news?¡± ¡°Oh! That¡¯s more like it.¡± She leaned back in the throne, still cradling the headset. ¡°Let¡¯s hear it.¡± ¡°You know Magical Girl Grease Pencil Marionette?¡± The Dark Queen rolled her eyes. ¡°Of course I do. She¡¯s a two-hundred-year-old computer, yet after all this time, she remains a threat to us. Shouldn¡¯t she have automatically updated herself into planned obsolescence by now?¡± ¡°She has Wi-Fi.¡± ¡°So what?¡± ¡°So I¡¯ve made several attacks on her systems,¡± replied Matilda as she gesticulated with her bony fingers, ¡°but, alas, I have never found a vulnerability. For a long time, I thought that perhaps she had none.¡± ¡°Impossible. The man who designed her worked for Microsoft.¡± ¡°Even so, he was a super-genius. Marionette has a self-aware firewall independent of her mental software. She doesn¡¯t even know there¡¯s another mind lurking in her positronic brain, fending off my attacks. Ironically, this ghostly second mind keeps her healthy and sane: it is, you might say, a simulation of the human unconscious.¡± The Queen frowned. ¡°Interesting, but why should I care?¡± A sickly grin spread across Matilda¡¯s scabby lips. ¡°Yestereve, her IP address disappeared from the city¡¯s network. I hadn¡¯t seen that in a long time, so I watched carefully. After several minutes, she came back online.¡± ¡°And?¡± Matilda¡¯s grin grew even wider, displaying her crooked and rotting teeth. ¡°And for about five seconds, her firewall was down.¡± For a moment, the Dark Queen stared, but then she tipped her head back and laughed. At first, it was a giggle. Then a chuckle. Then a wild, freewheeling, maniacal guffaw. It even had a ¡°mu¡± sound at the beginning of it. Gradually, her laugh grew louder and louder until the halls of the Dark Castle echoed with it, until it shook the hidden rafters in the darkness above. Then, at once, the laughter stopped. ¡°Oh, sorry about that, General. Yes, I¡¯m still here.¡±
Something hard and pointed pressed uncomfortably into the top of Jake¡¯s skull. He swam slowly out of a vague but disquieting dream about dinosaurs and screaming girls to find himself sitting upright on a hard concrete floor, leaning back against a stack of wrestling mats. The hard thing against the top of his head was even more uncomfortable now that he was awake. It moved, and he heard Dana¡¯s voice from directly above him. Apparently, the thing was her chin. ¡°Were you watching me sleep, pervert?¡± He rubbed his eyes. They were gritty. ¡°You were watching me sleep just now, so we¡¯re both perverts.¡± She rolled over, and the tarp covering her crackled. She draped an arm over the side of the stack of mats. She couldn¡¯t quite reach the floor, so she swung her hand back and forth. ¡°How ya feeling?¡± he asked. ¡°Sore.¡± ¡°I¡¯ll bet.¡± Slowly and carefully, he stood up. His back and hamstrings complained. For a moment, he leaned forward, having trouble straightening out. ¡°So am I.¡± He glanced at his watch, but the face was cracked. ¡°What time is it?¡± Chin pressed down to a mat, eyes on the floor, she shrugged. On a shelf against a wall, Tesla snorted, buzzed, and fluttered his wings. His abdomen flickered for a moment, and then came on with a steady glow. He sat up, yawned, and crawled around the shelf until he found his glasses and stuck them on his face. ¡°Weren¡¯t you supposed to keep watch?¡± Jake asked. ¡°I was keeping watch, young man. I merely paused for a moment to rest my eyes.¡± With a strangled groan, Jake hunkered down next to Dana. ¡°Do you think you can transform?¡± She shrugged again, eyes still on the floor. ¡°Everyone saw me run in here last night with Pretty Dynamo, so I better not walk out with Dana Volt.¡± She flopped onto her back and pulled the tarp over her face. ¡°Whatever. Go away.¡± ¡°So we¡¯re back to this, huh? Turn into Pretty Dynamo, would you? She¡¯s obnoxious, but at least she¡¯s a better conversationalist.¡± She yanked the tarp down and stared at him with a sullen, childish pout. ¡°Smile,¡± he said. ¡°Huh?¡± ¡°Smile. Pretty Dynamo smiles. Why don¡¯t you?¡± She pulled the tarp over her face again. ¡°Don¡¯t compare me to Pretty Dynamo.¡± ¡°Why not? Aren¡¯t you the same person?¡± The tarp crackled as she turned on her side and curled into a ball. ¡°Go away.¡± ¡°Not until I know you can transform. Is there something you need? A wall outlet? Am I supposed to plug you in?¡± ¡°I hate you. You¡¯re stupid. Go away.¡± He sat down on the mat next to her and, with a loud whump, threw himself backwards. ¡°I¡¯m not going until I know you¡¯re okay. What do you need?¡± She snapped upright, threw the tarp off, and pounded on his chest with her fists. ¡°Go away! Go away! Go away!¡± He finally responded when she socked him in the stomach. With an ¡°oof!¡± he sat up and reached for her wrists. Having apparently learned from their last scuffle, she skittered back from him, but then dived in again, aiming a shoulder for his torso. He wrapped an arm around her middle and hauled her close to make it harder for her to hit him. She ended up in his lap. With a snarl, she drove a heel into his shin. He grunted and let go. She jumped to her feet, turned on him, and rained wild punches on his head and shoulders. ¡°Don¡¯t touch me! Pervert! Creep! Stalker!¡± Her fist connected with the road rash on his cheek, sending a sharp spike of pain through his jaw. ¡°Ah! You¡¯re touching me, you little brat! Stop it!¡± He swung an arm and, with the edge of his wrist, caught her under the ribs. She spun around and slammed onto the mat. She froze. She had that look of intense fear in her eyes again. He stood, brushed his hands down his sleeves, and backed away. When he gingerly touched his face, his fingers came away sticky with fresh blood. She had cracked his scabs. ¡°I should get this cleaned up. Hey, are you injured? There¡¯s probably a first aid kit in here.¡± She sat up, pulled her knees to her chin, stuck out her lower lip, and fixed him with her green eyes. ¡°You are such a dork, Dana. If you wanted me to leave you alone, why didn¡¯t you leave me alone? You started it, remember?¡± Keeping her nose to her knees, she scooted around until her back was to him. He laughed. ¡°Why did you do that, anyway? Why did you pick on me my first day?¡± She didn¡¯t answer. ¡°Okay, whatever. Turn into Pretty Dynamo and let¡¯s see if we can get some food or something.¡± ¡°Why do you wanna see Pretty Dynamo so much?¡± she mumbled. ¡°I don¡¯t. I just don¡¯t want anyone to see you.¡± She quivered. ¡°I couldn¡¯t do it.¡± Her voice sounded strained, as if she was about to burst into tears. ¡°Do what?¡± She sniffed and wiped a wrist across her nose. ¡°You said I had to kick butt, save the city, and come back in one piece. But they fired the Weapon, and I broke my Circuit Board¡ª¡± ¡°You didn¡¯t climb into that mothership because of me, did you?¡± She tucked her head between her knees. ¡°Shut up. Go away.¡± ¡°You still kicked butt, so that¡¯s one out of three. And when I said come back in one piece, I meant you, not your equipment, so that¡¯s two¡ª¡± ¡°Shut up!¡± He turned to Tesla, who had been watching the scene quietly. ¡°Can she transform?¡± he asked. ¡°Since she¡¯s slept, I think so. Her power drops significantly if she isn¡¯t well fed, though. I¡¯d like her to eat more than she does. She¡¯s too thin.¡± ¡°Her powers run on food?¡± ¡°So do yours.¡± ¡°Oh ¡­ right.¡± ¡°Dana,¡± Tesla said, raising his voice, ¡°this young man may be boorish in manners and displeasing to the eye¡ª¡± ¡°Hey!¡± ¡°¡ªbut he is, nonetheless, substantially correct. Now that you¡¯ve rested, you really should transform, and we should get moving. The longer we wait, the longer it takes to clear the Robosaurs out of the city.¡± With an annoyed whimper, Dana climbed off the mats, stuck one hand in the air, stared Jake down, and growled through clenched teeth, ¡°Turn around this time.¡± Trying not to laugh, he crossed his arms, turned, and braced himself. ¡°Shock my heart!¡± He sucked air through his teeth when her electricity played across his back and stung his shoulders. But this time he didn¡¯t peek. ¡°By the power of Zeus, Thor, and Raijin, release the energies within my soul! Electrifying the world with love and friendship¡ª¡± Yeah, right. Haven¡¯t seen any evidence of that. ¡°¡ªand making evildoers feel the wattage of justice¡ªI am Magical Girl Pretty Dynamo!¡± Jake waited another few seconds and then turned to face her. ¡°Now¡ª¡± To his surprised, Pretty Dynamo was right behind him. She punched him in the stomach. He doubled over and collapsed to the floor. ¡°What was that for? I didn¡¯t look¡ª¡± ¡°Yeah, but you were thinkin¡¯ it.¡± ¡°Dyna,¡± said Tesla from the shelf, his voice sharper than usual, ¡°if your alter ego indulges in some fisticuffs with her classmates, that¡¯s her business, but you could seriously injure a normal human, even by accident. You aren¡¯t allowed to hit one.¡± She made an exasperated rattle in her throat. ¡°But¡ª¡± ¡°I mean it.¡± ¡°Hmf. Fine.¡± She grabbed Jake by his collar and hauled him to his feet. ¡°How ya feelin¡¯?¡± ¡°Internal bleeding,¡± he gasped, clutching his middle. ¡°Ruptured organs¡ª¡± Her face fell. ¡°Really¡ª?¡± Ensure your favorite authors get the support they deserve. Read this novel on Royal Road. ¡°No.¡± He tousled her hair. ¡°But do what your familiar says.¡± She slapped his hand away. ¡°Dyna,¡± said Tesla, ¡°no hitting.¡± ¡°C¡¯mon, that didn¡¯t count! Rrr, whatever.¡± Her stomach rumbled. She patted it and pointed a finger at Jake. ¡°Find me something to eat, boy.¡± ¡°I can¡¯t decide,¡± he replied. ¡°Decide what?¡± ¡°Whether I dislike you more when you¡¯re sullen and pouty or when you¡¯re brash and bossy.¡± She wrapped an arm around his neck, forced him to bend over, and dug her knuckles into his scalp. ¡°Dyna!¡± Tesla shouted. ¡°Ah, sweet zappin¡¯ Princess! This doesn¡¯t count, either!¡± She let him go, and he stumbled into the doors. When he threw them open, he blinked as early morning light, pouring through the hole in the wall, struck his eyes. The gym doubled as the school cafeteria. Miss Percy, Rifle Maiden, and Voodoo Queen Natasha had unfolded one of the long tables from the wall and now sat at it, gabbing. In a corner, Bossy lay on the floor and chewed her cud. Natasha¡¯s python lay nearby. Tesla flew over to join them. Rifle Maiden waved. ¡°Oy! Jake! Pretty Dynamo! Over here!¡± Margherita, clad in an apron, popped up behind the cafeteria counter. ¡°Good morning!¡± she sang. ¡°I¡¯ve commandeered the kitchen. They don¡¯t have many fresh ingredients, unfortunately, but I¡¯m making breakfast pizza!¡± Dynamo¡¯s stomach growled again. ¡°Shouldn¡¯t you and the teacher be in the basement? Rifle Maiden, Natasha, shouldn¡¯t you two be fightin¡¯ robot space dinosaurs?¡± Margherita waved a spatula and clucked her tongue. ¡°My dear little powerhouse, getting proper nutrition is also part of your duty. You can¡¯t fight monsters without three square a day.¡± She picked up a sheet of metal and added, ¡°And they have square pizza pans in here, so it¡¯s all good!¡± Jake and Dynamo moved to the table. Jake slid onto the bench beside Rifle Maiden, and Dynamo sat across from him. Miss Percy gasped. ¡°Oh, Jake! Your face! We need to do something about that!¡± She rose from the table and bustled off. Rifle Maiden handed Jake a napkin, which he used to pat the blood on his cheek. Then she nudged him in the ribs. ¡°So what were you two doin¡¯ last night?¡± ¡°Just sleeping,¡± he answered. ¡°And fighting.¡± ¡°Wow, it¡¯s like you¡¯re married!¡± Miss Percy swiftly returned, slammed a metal first aid kit onto the table, opened it, and swabbed Jake¡¯s cheek with a square of gauze soaked in iodine. It stung. He winced. ¡°You spent the night alone, unchaperoned, with a girl, in the equipment cupboard?¡± Miss Percy asked. He tugged on his collar. ¡°Uh ¡­¡± ¡°Seems the equipment cupboard is becoming your favorite spot.¡± ¡°Miss Percy¡ª¡± She dug in harder with the gauze. ¡°I¡¯ll have to tell the janitor to put a lock on that thing.¡± Rifle Maiden put an arm over Natasha¡¯s shoulders. ¡°Ah, it¡¯s so romantic, bein¡¯ in a closet with someone you love!¡± Natasha slid out of her grasp. Jake cleared his throat. ¡°I was just trying to protect her identity¡ª¡± ¡°My familiar was there,¡± Dynamo said as she tapped her fingers on the Formica tabletop. ¡°How did we get in the closet?¡± ¡°Oh, that¡¯s right,¡± said Jake as Miss Percy laid fresh gauze across his face and taped it in place. ¡°You were asleep already. I carried you in¡ª¡± ¡°What happened after I went on backup?¡± Miss Percy finished up, closed the first aid kit with a snap, and took a seat. Natasha touched a finger to her chin. ¡°Can you remember anything from backup mode, Pretty Dynamo?¡± Dynamo shook her head. Rifle Maiden chuckled. ¡°Well, then, I guess y¡¯all don¡¯ remember the part where Jake an¡¯ Marionette¡ª¡± Jake stomped hard on her cowboy boot. She laughed, but didn¡¯t finish her sentence. Dynamo leaned a cheek on a hand. ¡°Where¡¯s the pizza?¡± ¡°Coming right up!¡± called Margherita. ¡°How do you like your eggs, Pretty Dynamo?¡± She lowered her chin to the table. ¡°Scrambled.¡± ¡°And Jake?¡± Margherita called again. ¡°Over medium, if that¡¯s not too much trouble¡ª¡± Dynamo screwed up her mouth. ¡°You like your yolks runny? You are so gross.¡± ¡°Who asked you?¡± Rifle Maiden wrapped an arm around Jake and cuddled up. ¡°I like a man who knows what he wants. Dynamo, can I have ¡¯im when you¡¯re done?¡± ¡°You can have him right now for all I care.¡± ¡°Woohoo! Jakey-pie, do you like honky-tonks? Square-dancin¡¯? Women¡¯s sharpshootin¡¯ competitions?¡± Hunting for a change of subject, Jake looked over his shoulder toward the kitchen and called, ¡°Hey, Margherita, do they have coffee back there?¡± ¡°Just instant,¡± she said. ¡°I¡¯m surprised they even have that. It¡¯s an elementary school cafeteria, after all.¡± ¡°I¡¯ll take some if you don¡¯t mind.¡± ¡°Sugar? Powdery cream substitute?¡± ¡°Black.¡± ¡°Ooh,¡± said Rifle Maiden, squeezing him tight and laying her head on his shoulder, ¡°you sure have grownup tastes.¡± ¡°Could you let go of me, please?¡± Chin still on the table, Dynamo raised an eyebrow. ¡°How old are you, anyway?¡± ¡°I¡¯ll be fifteen in December.¡± ¡°Then why are you¡ª?¡± She stopped herself, and a touch of pink entered her cheeks. She looked away, affecting boredom. Huh. When she¡¯s hungry, Pretty Dynamo acts like Dana. Interlacing her fingers, draping them over his shoulder, and laying her chin on them, Rifle Maiden said, ¡°You¡¯re a year my junior, but we can make it work. What school ya go to?¡± ¡°That¡¯s an interesting question,¡± Jake said. ¡°He¡¯s in fifth grade,¡± said Miss Percy, who put her nose in the air and looked decidedly unimpressed with the proceedings. ¡°And I¡¯ll take some coffee, too, Miss Mozzarella.¡± ¡°In a minute!¡± Margherita sang from the kitchen. ¡°So you¡¯re a mite slow,¡± said Rifle Maiden. ¡°Well, that¡¯s all right. You¡¯re still cute. Long as you keep your mouth shut¡ª¡± Jake pounded a fist on the tabletop. It made Dynamo¡¯s teeth clack together, and she glared at him. ¡°I am not slow! I was supposed to be in calculus this year! And on the basketball team, maybe!¡± ¡°He¡¯s my student,¡± said Miss Percy with a sniff. ¡°And he¡¯s always harassing the girls.¡± Natasha clasped her hands together, closed her eyes, and nodded sagely. ¡°Boys his age need sports to release their excess energy,¡± she said, ¡°or they commit sex crimes.¡± Jake leaned around Rifle Maiden. ¡°Where the heck did you hear that? How old are you?¡± Miss Percy frowned. ¡°Girls ¡­ that reminds me of something ¡­ oh my Princess!¡± She jumped up from the table. ¡°Dana! We forgot about Dana!¡± Dynamo rolled her eyes, but the other magical girls were suddenly serious. ¡°Who¡¯s Dana?¡± Rifle Maiden asked, half-rising out of her seat. ¡°Boy or girl?¡± asked Natasha. ¡°She¡¯s a girl! She¡¯s in Jake¡¯s class, and he picks on her something awful¡ªoh, and she ran off right when those robot dinosaurs attacked!¡± Natasha and Rifle Maiden exchanged a glance. ¡°She¡¯s just a little girl,¡± Miss Percy cried. ¡°A redhead¡ª¡± ¡°Redhead!¡± said Rifle Maiden. ¡°A real one?¡± ¡°Yes, you couldn¡¯t miss her. She¡¯s probably, oh, about Pretty Dynamo¡¯s height.¡± She pointed across the table. Impossible though it seemed, Dynamo blanched. ¡°This little girl is a classmate of Jake¡¯s, whom he harasses, and who disappeared as soon as the monsters attacked?¡± Natasha asked. ¡°And you say she¡¯s the size of Pretty Dynamo?¡± ¡°Yes! I¡¯m terribly worried! How can you be so calm?¡± Rifle Maiden, with an easy grin, put her hands on Miss Percy¡¯s shoulders and led her back to her seat. ¡°Now, y¡¯all just siddown and relax, Miss Percy. You can¡¯t do nothin¡¯ fer this li¡¯l darlin¡¯ if¡¯n you¡¯re about to faint from hunger.¡± ¡°But I haven¡¯t seen her since yesterday! She could be dead or¡ª¡± ¡°She probably spent the night hiding in a different place from yourself,¡± Natasha said. ¡°I¡¯ve little doubt she is alive and well.¡± ¡°That¡¯s right,¡± said Rifle Maiden. ¡°Once this is all over, you¡¯ll see her back in class, safe and sound. But I¡¯ll alert the girls, an¡¯ you can betcher last silver dollar we¡¯ll keep an eye out while we¡¯re huntin¡¯ today. Red hair, you say?¡± ¡°Yes. Red hair.¡± Rifle Maiden whistled through her teeth. ¡°Can¡¯t say I¡¯ve seen real red hair outside a picture book. I¡¯d like to lay eyes on that anyhow.¡± Jake squirmed in his seat. If her eyes were lasers, Pretty Dynamo would have been boring a hole through his face. He wanted to tell her to stop glaring because it made her look too much like Dana, but he decided against it. Balancing four trays on her arms, Margherita sashayed out of the kitchen. ¡°They didn¡¯t have prosciutto or spinach, can you believe it? But there was basil, and there was olive oil, and there were three kinds of cheese. There were eggs, and I fried up some of those frozen breakfast potatoes in the big freezer.¡± She slid the pizza trays onto the table. ¡°I made it work,¡± she said. Soon after, cups of coffee and glasses of orange juice made their appearance. The coffee was nearly undrinkable, as are all instant coffees, and Jake wondered, not for the first time, how such a disgusting product stayed on the market. He drank it anyway. Topping the pizzas were Monterey jack, mozzarella, parmesan, basil, breakfast potatoes, and eggs¡ªavailable in over medium, scrambled, and sunny-side up, in accordance with the tastes of those gathered. They dug in. All talking ceased as three famished teenagers and two exhausted adults inhaled their food. It was hearty and filling. The basil made a delicious accent, the crust was crispy, and both the eggs and potatoes were perfectly cooked. ¡°Mm mm!¡± cried Rifle Maiden. ¡°I do believe we are truly in the presence of a chef o¡¯ the Mozzarella crime family! I¡¯m callin¡¯ you Cookie from now on.¡± Margherita blushed. ¡°Oh, my! I¡¯m so embarrassed! It¡¯s really the best I could do with a school cafeteria kitchen¡ª¡± ¡°It is excellent,¡± said Natasha quietly. ¡°This food has good juju. The Loa are pleased.¡± She chewed thoughtfully for half a minute before adding, ¡°Could use some Tabasco, though.¡± Margherita nodded. ¡°I could see that. There¡¯s none of that in this kitchen, though.¡± Her eyes narrowed as she stared at Jake. ¡°And you, I suppose you¡¯re thinking right now that pineapple is a breakfast food, aren¡¯t you?¡± ¡°Uh¡ª¡± ¡°Probably think it goes on breakfast pizza, don¡¯t you? Don¡¯t you?¡± Her fingers tightened on the edge of the table. Jake swallowed loudly. Pretty Dynamo had two slices in front of her, but she only picked at them. Looking for a distraction from Margherita¡¯s murderous glare, Jake leaned toward her and whispered, ¡°Hey, eat.¡± She pouted. ¡°Eat before it gets cold. Margherita went to all this trouble¡ª¡± Dynamo looked away from him and stuck out her lower lip. ¡°I¡¯m not hungry.¡± ¡°Like heck you¡¯re not¡ª¡± ¡°Do you want something else?¡± Margherita asked. ¡°Can I get you¡ª?¡± ¡°Don¡¯t pamper her,¡± said Jake. ¡°She¡¯s just being stubborn. Eat, darn it, or you¡¯re gonna lose your form again. Eat, or you¡¯re stuck with me in the closet for the rest of the day.¡± Her mouth full of food, Rifle Maiden tipped her head back and laughed aloud. With a grumble, Dynamo picked up a slice of pizza and bit into it. Her eyes widened. ¡°It¡¯s really good!¡± Jake went back to eating his own. ¡°Don¡¯t talk with your mouth full.¡± Her jaw rhythmically working, Dynamo sucked the entire slice into her mouth and picked up another. ¡°Holy Princess, chew first¡ª¡± She had both of her slices of pizza down in seconds and reached for more. In less than a minute, she had devoured half a pizza with no sign of stopping. ¡°Where the heck are you putting that?¡± She shot him another glower and kept eating. Soon, she had put down an entire pizza and started on another. She even ate some of Jake¡¯s with the runny yolks. ¡°Maybe I should make more,¡± said Margherita. ¡°She is a growing girl,¡± said Natasha. ¡°She¡¯s going to grow in the wrong direction if she eats like that,¡± said Miss Percy. Dynamo made an aggravated rasping noise in her throat. At the sound of clattering brick near the hole in the wall, everyone jumped up. Rifle Maiden drew both revolvers, and Pretty Dynamo pulled her wand. A long shadow, cast by the early morning light, fell across the floor, and then a figure stepped inside. It was Grease Pencil Marionette. She had changed her clothes: she now wore a pair of green short shorts, below which she wore white stockings held in place by garter belts, and above which she wore a green jacket that divided into long tails stretching down her sides. The jacket¡¯s buttons were very high, leaving her midriff exposed. Between her wide lapels were white ruffles suggestive of a fancy dress shirt. She wore a green bowtie, and a cocked beret sat on her boy-cut silver hair. In her arms was a girl in a pink minidress, her skirts puffed out by petticoats. One arm dangled limply, and half the girl¡¯s face was charred black. The others stared, silent. Pretty Dynamo slurped up a string of cheese dangling from her lip. ¡°It¡¯s Card Collector Kasumi,¡± Marionette said, her voice rough. A single tear coursed down her cheek. Chapter 10: The Magical Girls Burden Grease Pencil Marionette knelt in the middle of the gym floor and laid out Card Collector Kasumi. She placed a hand on Kasumi¡¯s face and drew her fingers down across her eyelids. ¡°I knew her,¡± she said. ¡°I knew her name. I knew her family. Her parents have no idea she¡¯s a magical girl, though her brother, I think, has figured it out.¡± She wiped a sleeve across her eyes. ¡°It¡¯s always hard. Monsters attack, there¡¯s chaos everywhere. When it¡¯s over, you can¡¯t find your child. You¡¯re going mad from worry. Then Marionette shows up at your door to tell you your daughter was so brave¡ª¡± Her voice choked off. She lowered her head. The room was quiet. Rifle Maiden took off her hat and put it over her heart. Jake interlaced his fingers and stared at his shoes, wondering for a moment if he should say something, maybe put a hand on Marionette¡¯s shoulder¡ª No, things were awkward enough between them already. He kept still and kept his mouth shut. ¡°I¡¯m just a robot,¡± Marionette murmured. ¡°Could one of you¡ª?¡± By virtue of her powers, every magical girl was a priestess authorized to say the prayer for the departed. Pretty Dynamo stepped forward, knelt beside Marionette, and laid a hand on Kasumi¡¯s forehead. ¡°May the Moon Princess bless her and keep her,¡± she said. ¡°May her wings enfold her, and may our fallen sister rise swiftly to the Sea of Serenity to take her rightful place at the Princess¡¯s side, to live in glory and delight until the heat death of the universe.¡± Dynamo made the sign of the Moon Princess. To Jake¡¯s surprise, she added, ¡°Eternal rest grant unto her, oh Lord, and may perpetual light shine upon her.¡± Then she crossed herself. ¡°Thank you,¡± whispered Marionette. Natasha, in her sonorous voice, said, ¡°To her whose name is remembered, Magical Girl Card Collector Kasumi; to all those whose names are forgotten, lost in the oceans of time; to all those whose bones are buried in and upon the earth; to all those whose ashes are scattered to the four winds; to you, from the living. May the Divine Assistance remain always with us, and may the souls of the faithful departed, through the mercy of God, rest in peace. Amen.¡± For a moment, Jake shifted from one foot to another, but finally cleared his throat and recited, ¡°Yitgadal v¡¯yitkadash sh¡¯mei raba b¡¯alma di-v¡¯ra chirutei, v¡¯yamlich malchutei b¡¯chayeichon uvyomeichon uvchayei d¡¯chol beit yisrael, ba¡¯agala uvizman kariv, v¡¯im¡¯ru: amen.¡± He cleared his throat again and said, ¡°Sorry. That¡¯s all I remember.¡± ¡°Sounded purty, though,¡± Rifle Maiden whispered. Marionette sniffed and, with the back of her hand, wiped a tear from her cheek. ¡°I never cried for almost two centuries, but now I¡¯ve cried twice in one week. I might have a fault in my eye lubricators, or maybe I need to run a diagnostic on my emotion subroutines.¡± ¡°Perhaps you merely draw closer to your goal,¡± said Natasha as she placed a hand on her shoulder. Marionette patted Natasha¡¯s hand. ¡°I hate to do this now, but it¡¯s necessary. Kasumi¡¯s powers are transferable.¡± Rifle Maiden muttered, ¡°That¡¯s unusual.¡± The atmosphere in the room grew more tense. Jake furrowed his brow, but decided, again, to stay silent. Carefully, Marionette rolled up one of Kasumi¡¯s sleeves, exposing a spring-loaded contraption that ended in a claw hand grasping a stack of cards. Marionette gingerly pulled the cards out. ¡°The rest of you better not touch these. They shouldn¡¯t affect me, but for anyone else, there¡¯s probably a curse.¡± ¡°I will throw the bones and see,¡± said Natasha. She took several steps back, rummaged in her satchel, and pulled out a small bowl wrapped in a badger skin. Hunkering down, she laid the skin on the floor. After shaking the bowl, she tossed out a collection of rodent bones, which pattered on the skin. Rifle Maiden leaned toward Jake and whispered in his ear, ¡°Most magical girls¡¯ powers can only be used by that girl. Like, no one ¡¯cept me can use my guns. But Kasumi got her first cards when her archaeologist dad dug up the tomb o¡¯ some ancient wizards¡¯ society. Anybody can use ¡¯em if¡¯n he knows how.¡± Natasha, bending over the bones, glanced up and added, ¡°But a curse does indeed lie on the cards to prevent exactly that. A very powerful curse.¡± ¡°Could you remove it?¡± Marionette asked. ¡°Possibly, but it would take time, and it would make the cards most dangerous. I recommend destroying them¡ªor returning them to the tomb. Either will quiet the spirits.¡± Marionette rolled up Kasumi¡¯s other sleeve, revealing yet more cards. Then she pulled up her skirt to expose a garter belt holding an entire deck. ¡°Those are her Tarot cards,¡± Natasha said as her eyes roved over the bones on the floor. ¡°I can take them without harm. The rest you should burn. You, Marionette, and no one else. Anyone else would incur bad karma. Be particularly careful of the ones that look like ordinary playing cards: they contain her elemental powers, and their curse is strongest.¡± ¡°I don¡¯t see them.¡± Natasha peered at her bones again. After a moment, she said, ¡°Check her corset.¡± Marionette sighed and put a hand to her forehead. ¡°All right, look, I¡¯ll have to do a thorough search to make sure I¡¯ve got them all. I¡¯ll do it after the rest of you leave. Natasha, take the Tarot cards.¡± Natasha snatched up the cards and put them in her satchel. She scooped up her bones and the badger skin, and then she laid a pinch of black tobacco, a habanero pepper, and a miniature bottle of liquor at Kasumi¡¯s feet. ¡°Since they fired the Weapon,¡± she said, ¡°I must perform a spell. If I can placate the Gu¨¦d¨¦, I may be able to minimize the damage. I will need rum¡ªand a black rooster.¡± Marionette nodded. Dabbing her eyes with a sleeve, she rose to her feet. After taking a deep breath, she said, ¡°We¡¯ll find time to mourn later. At the end of the day, we¡¯ll have a lot of dead to bury, but first we have a long hunt. The Robosaurs are desperate: they might run, they might hide out, or they might fight all the more fiercely. There¡¯s no telling. Also, there¡¯s the aftermath of the Weapon to think about. Normal humans, I want you to finally, actually get in the shelter. Keep the radio on. The Temple will sound the all clear when we get this mopped up. Magical girls, I think it best if you go in teams of two. I¡¯ll be coordinating between girls around the city, so¡ª¡± Rifle Maiden grabbed Natasha around the waist and pulled her close. ¡°I¡¯m with this lady, like usual. She says she needs a rooster, an¡¯ I¡¯m the one to find chicken, believe you me.¡± ¡°Fine. Pretty Dynamo, you¡¯ll have to find another¡ª¡± Dynamo snorted. ¡°I work alone.¡± ¡°Not today, you don¡¯t.¡± ¡°I¡¯ve got my familiar.¡± ¡°Good, but familiars don¡¯t fight. He can¡¯t have your back.¡± ¡°You¡¯re not the boss of me.¡± Marionette¡¯s eyes narrowed. She pulled her pencil, spun it once, and planted its butt on the floor with a loud crack. ¡°I am most assuredly not in the mood right now, Pretty Dynamo. Perhaps you¡¯d like to talk it over with the High Priestess? I think you¡¯ll discover that I am indeed the boss of you.¡± ¡°Pretty Dynamo,¡± said Margherita with a stamp of her foot, ¡°if you don¡¯t behave yourself, you won¡¯t get your juice box!¡± Dynamo trembled, but set her mouth in a childish pout. ¡°You got juice boxes?¡± Rifle Maiden asked with a cocked eyebrow. ¡°Absolutely,¡± Margherita answered, beaming. ¡°Jake saved them from the Robosaurs last night.¡± ¡°Welp, this won¡¯t be too bad if¡¯n we get juice boxes.¡± Marionette pinched the bridge of her nose, squeezed her eyes shut, and said, ¡°Let¡¯s go ahead and have one now. It¡¯ll keep us charged up for the day. Then, Margherita, keep them in the shelter. We¡¯ll rendezvous here later. How many you got?¡± ¡°A few cases.¡± ¡°We¡¯ll see about bringing some other girls when we come back, then.¡± Margherita pranced into the kitchen, ducked behind the counter, and arose with a palette of juice boxes in her arms. She tore the shrink-wrap from them and began sorting. ¡°I don¡¯t suppose you have a coffee one in there?¡± Marionette asked. ¡°Hm ¡­ doesn¡¯t look like it. How about apple milk tea?¡± ¡°Sure, I¡¯ll take that.¡± ¡°This one,¡± said Margherita as she held up a box, ¡°says ¡®electric blue razzleberry.¡¯ That has Dynamo¡¯s name all over it¡ªbut you can only have it if you¡¯re good.¡± Dynamo grumbled for a moment, but finally said, ¡°I¡¯ll be good. I¡¯ll go with a partner.¡± ¡°Then come an¡¯ get it.¡± Margherita slapped the juice box onto the counter. Dynamo turned away from it, crossed her arms, and twisted one foot as she stared at the ceiling. Jake put a hand over his mouth and dipped his head to hide a smile. Do magical girls really like juice boxes that much? ¡°Let¡¯s see what else I got,¡± Margherita said as she rifled through the cases. ¡°I just picked up a couple of variety packs ¡­ black currant, cucumber, mauby bark, onion, black garlic, white fungus, swiftlet bird¡¯s nest¡ª¡± ¡°Sounds like Marionette and Dynamo got the only good ones,¡± said Jake. ¡°I¡¯ll take the garlic,¡± said Rifle Maiden. ¡°I¡¯ll take the fungus,¡± said Natasha. ¡°Jake? Miss Percy?¡± asked Margherita. ¡°Any for you?¡± Jake said, ¡°Maybe we should leave ¡¯em for the girls¡ª¡± ¡°If you want. I¡¯m having this tomato juice myself.¡± The girls eagerly grabbed their juice boxes, stabbed straws into them, and drank for a moment in silence. Both Marionette and Natasha poured some of theirs out near Kasumi. Jake watched Marionette as she sucked her straw. She glanced sidelong at him and, with a small sigh, said, ¡°Go ahead and ask, Jake.¡± ¡°Huh? Oh, sorry¡ª¡± ¡°No, it¡¯s okay. You wonder how I eat. Everybody does.¡± ¡°Well¡ª¡± ¡°I could just live off water, but I¡¯d rather not. I have a freeze-dryer in my stomach: I pull water out, separate the deuterium, and expel the rest. You could actually eat and drink my waste products if you wanted, but most people find the idea disgusting.¡± ¡°You run on water?¡± ¡°Heavy water.¡± She tapped her chest. ¡°Fusion reactor. It uses a miniaturized plasma wakefield particle accelerator. Don¡¯t ask me to explain it¡ªmy father made me to be a magical girl, not a nuclear physicist.¡± ¡°Sounds like he could have solved our energy problem.¡± ¡°Maybe. He was a brilliant man, even if he worked for¡ª¡± Dynamo made a loud slurping sound with her straw, and her juice box crinkled as it collapsed inward. The sound went on for several seconds before Jake snatched the box from her hands. ¡°I think you finished it.¡± She glared. ¡°Okay, girls,¡± said Marionette, tossing her own box into a rubbish bin by the kitchen, ¡°we¡¯ve wasted enough time. Let¡¯s get a move on.¡± ¡°Breakfast and juice,¡± said Rifle Maiden, leaning on Natasha¡¯s shoulder. ¡°Now I¡¯m ready for anything.¡± Natasha pushed her off. ¡°You smell of garlic.¡± ¡°Remember, Pretty Dynamo,¡± said Marionette, ¡°you need to find a partner as soon as¡ª¡± Dynamo grabbed Jake by the elbow and yanked him to her side. ¡°I¡¯m with this jackass.¡± Marionette put a hand to her forehead and closed her eyes. ¡°Dynamo¡ª¡± ¡°C¡¯mon, loser.¡± Dynamo dragged Jake toward the hole in the wall. ¡°Dynamo!¡± Marionette shouted. ¡°You can¡¯t take a¡ªdarn it!¡± Dynamo pulled him out into the sunlight. With a buzz, Tesla fluttered out after them and landed on Dynamo¡¯s head. ¡°You know,¡± said Jake, ¡°I think Marionette¡¯s probably right. There¡¯s not a lot I can do in a¡ª¡± ¡°Shut up.¡± She picked up her pace and forced him to run alongside. ¡°I don¡¯t need anyone to help me. These robots aren¡¯t protected like their ships were. One good shock will arc to their circuits, and then they¡¯re fried. This is a cinch.¡± ¡°Although I do think you are capable of undertaking this mission solo,¡± said Tesla as he pushed his spectacles up his clypeus, ¡°alienating the rest of the magical girl community may have unexpected consequences in the long term.¡± ¡°See?¡± said Jake. ¡°Even your familiar¡ª¡± ¡°I told you to shut up.¡± She let go of his elbow and took his hand instead. For a moment, he marveled at how tiny her fingers were, and how soft. Apparently, wielding the Lightning Rod didn¡¯t give her calluses. She jogged out of the playground and into the street. Even with her little legs, she was fast. Jake had to run hard to keep up. Careful not to slip in the spilled hydraulic fluid, they picked their way around the shattered Velociraptors and reached the heaps of metal that had formerly been Fangnasty and Shivslobber. Turning suddenly, Dynamo yanked Jake down an unpaved alley where a cluster of garbage cans sat out beside white picket fences. There, she stopped and cracked her knuckles. Thrusting a hand behind Jake¡¯s neck and a boot in front of his feet, she knocked him to his knees. ¡°Dynamo!¡± shouted Tesla. ¡°Stop it!¡± Tesla brushed a foreleg against her face, but she threw him off. Grabbing Jake by the chin, she shook his head back and forth, making his jaw ache. ¡°You,¡± she snarled. ¡°You blew my cover!¡± She threw him. His back smacked hard into a rubbish bin and knocked it over. He tumbled to the ground, and gravel bit into his shoulder blades as tin cans, glass bottles, and decomposed food sprayed across the alley. With a wince and a faint grunt, he sat up. Laying his elbows on his knees, he took a moment to catch his breath and said, ¡°You know what? I am getting seriously tired of you.¡± She wiped her mouth with the back of a hand. He found his feet, ran, and tackled her, aiming low so he landed his shoulder against her exposed midriff instead of her plate armor. In her magical form, she was considerably stronger than he was, but he was still heavier: she stuck a foot out behind and slid backwards for several feet, turning sideways as she did to redirect his force and keep herself upright. At the same time, she rained elbow jabs into his back. Once she stopped sliding, she kneed him in the gut. Her blows were sharp, instantly taking the wind from his lungs. He grabbed her right leg, pulled hard to knock her off balance, and rolled his shoulder into her. To his surprise, it worked. With an oof! she fell hard on her back. Then he was on top of her. He raised a fist¡ª And hesitated. He knew he couldn¡¯t seriously hurt her. He had a better chance of breaking his knuckles against her nose than the other way around, but he still couldn¡¯t slug a girl. He ducked his head and carefully, gently, tapped his fist against her chin. That lopsided grin appeared again on her mouth, the grin she wore when she pulled stunts on her Circuit Board. She gave him a left hook to the jaw, ringing his bells. The world turned fuzzy. Then she was on her feet, landing fists and elbows on his torso. He couldn¡¯t count the blows. For five seconds, he was a punching bag. ¡°Dyna!¡± Tesla shouted, buzzing in a circle overhead. ¡°Dyna, stop it!¡± With fingers extended, she brought a backhand strike, a killing blow, within an inch of Jake¡¯s neck. There, she paused. Then she placed a finger to his forehead, pushed, and laid him out. From the dust, he stared up at the blue sky. His breathing was ragged. His chest and stomach ached. He knew he¡¯d have bruises, but nothing was broken. She hadn¡¯t hit him hard enough. She stood over him, pointed, and said, ¡°I can kill you. Never forget that.¡± ¡°You know what, Dana? You are a serious jerk.¡± She grabbed his collar, yanked him up, and brought her nose against his. ¡°What is my name?¡± ¡°Get stuffed.¡± She dropped him. His head cracked against the ground, and white specks swam in his eyes. ¡°Everybody knows who the zap I am because of you!¡± ¡°How is that my fault?¡± Wheezing, he staggered to his feet and stumbled into a fence as he found his balance. ¡°I tried to protect your identity, and this is what I get?¡± ¡°You wrote that stupid note!¡± ¡°So what? If you hadn¡¯t pushed me in the closet¡ª¡± ¡°I only did that because of your note!¡± ¡°If you¡¯d left me the heck alone, I wouldn¡¯t know who you were in the first place!¡± ¡°If you weren¡¯t in my zappin¡¯ class, I would have left you alone!¡± His back ached. Gingerly, he put a hand to it and rubbed. ¡°Believe me, I would like to be anywhere, anywhere at all, other than at a desk next to a little twit like you.¡± She clenched her fists, unclenched them, and finally turned her back on him. ¡°You brought it all on yourself, Dana.¡± She spun around. ¡°Dynamo! My name is Pretty Dynamo!¡± Clapping a hand to her forehead, she muttered, ¡°Everyone in town is gonna know who I am, thanks to you¡ª¡± ¡°Dynamo,¡± he said. ¡°Fine. Dynamo. I¡¯ll get it right. No hints, no jokes, no more notes. I won¡¯t tell¡ª¡± ¡°It¡¯s too late!¡± ¡°Ah, relax. A couple of magical girls have a clue, and that pizza lady, but that¡¯s it. Miss Percy doesn¡¯t know; that woman can¡¯t put two and two together outside of math class.¡± Dynamo grumbled. Tesla landed on her head and settled in her blue hair. His antennae twitched as he adjusted his cracked spectacles. ¡°Pretty Dynamo, this is utterly unacceptable. I didn¡¯t call on the gods of thunder to give you powers so you could¡ª¡± ¡°Quiet, Tes.¡± ¡°No, I will not be quiet! I absolutely forbid you to strike humans!¡± She grumbled again and crossed her arms. Jake ran his fingers through his hair, which was now full of dirt from the alleyway. ¡°Are we fighting dinosaurs, or what? Let¡¯s get this over with.¡± ¡°You should get in the shelter,¡± Dynamo muttered. ¡°So you brought me out here just to beat me up? Nothin¡¯ doin¡¯. Now you¡¯re stuck with me.¡± She grunted and walked toward the alley¡¯s far end. ¡°You must like getting beat and blown up,¡± she said over her shoulder, ¡°if you wanna hang out with me.¡± ¡°Hey, my ancestors were mostly Polish Jews. They were used to having everything in the universe trying to kill them.¡± She stopped and turned. Her eyes narrowed. ¡°You¡¯re a Jew?¡± ¡°You got a problem with that, Catholic girl?¡± She laughed. ¡°But you¡¯re black.¡± ¡°I¡¯m not black. I¡¯m mixed. So are a lot of people, especially in this part of town. You¡¯re the freak, redhead, not me.¡± Her smile immediately disappeared. ¡°Right. I¡¯m a freak.¡± Fists clenched, she spun on her heel and marched to the alley¡¯s mouth. Jake had to jog to keep up. Stolen content warning: this tale belongs on Royal Road. Report any occurrences elsewhere. ¡°C¡¯mon, that¡¯s not what I meant¡ª¡± She turned onto the sidewalk. ¡°Sure it wasn¡¯t.¡± ¡°It wasn¡¯t!¡± When he rounded the corner, he ran straight into her back. She had her head down, and her thumbs ran back and forth over her knuckles, as if she was contemplating punching him again. ¡°Dana, I¡¯m sorry¡ª¡± Heck, she was just slugging me, so why am I apologizing? ¡°¡ªbut I really didn¡¯t mean anything by it. It¡¯s okay to be different. I think it¡¯s great that you¡¯ve got red hair. There¡¯s not a lot of that left, and¡ª¡± ¡°I¡¯m not really Catholic.¡± ¡°Huh?¡± She was looking down at the pavement. He was looking at the back of her head and at Tesla¡¯s big abdomen. ¡°I¡¯m not really Catholic. I mean, I was baptized, but that¡¯s about it. My dad was really into it, before¡ª¡± She cut herself off, but he could guess a likely end to her sentence. ¡°Dana, I¡¯m sorry.¡± Drat. I said it again. He rubbed the back of his neck. ¡°And I¡¯m not much of a Jew, either. I learned some stuff from my dziadek¡ªuh, that¡¯s my grandfather¡ªbut my dad¡¯s really devoted to the Moon Princess, and my mom pretty much stopped practicing, and I love bacon, so there you go. Aside from a mezuzah on the front door, there¡¯s not much Jewishness in our house.¡± She laughed again, but it was quiet and slow, not her usual bright chuckle. Cautiously, he put a hand on her shoulder. ¡°So you¡¯re a bad Catholic, and I¡¯m a bad Jew, and we¡¯re both misfits, right? I mean it when I say I don¡¯t think you¡¯re a freak. I think, um, I think your hair is really pretty.¡± Heat crept into his face, and he muttered to himself in embarrassment. A few seconds passed, and then she pulled his hand from her shoulder. ¡°I didn¡¯t say you could touch me.¡± ¡°Right.¡± They made their way down another of Juban¡¯s streets. The roads were deserted and quiet; most people were underground. ¡°I miss my Board,¡± she grumbled. ¡°Tesla said you can fix it, right?¡± ¡°It¡¯s not that simple.¡± Tesla cleared his throat. ¡°The Circuit Board is one of Pretty Dynamo¡¯s powers. It¡¯s a part of her. She can¡¯t ¡®fix¡¯ it any more than you can fix a broken bone. It has to heal.¡± ¡°But it¡¯s a machine, right? Didn¡¯t you say Dynamo is part machine?¡± Dynamo pulled on the fringe of her tutu. ¡°All this stuff, it sort of ¡­ I don¡¯t know how to say it ¡­ it sort of grows out of me, I guess.¡± ¡°Those aren¡¯t clothes she¡¯s wearing,¡± said Tesla. ¡°They¡¯re extensions of her body. That¡¯s why she transforms. If those were ordinary clothes, she could simply get dressed the same way you do.¡± Jake nodded. ¡°So ¡­ does that mean you¡¯re actually naked right now?¡± She glared at him. ¡°You are such a creep.¡± They were silent for a moment, but then she tugged on one of her vambraces and said, ¡°It doesn¡¯t come off, though. I guess that¡¯s good, cuz when I¡¯m fighting, nothing slips.¡± ¡°How do you go to the bathroom?¡± She rolled her eyes. ¡°I don¡¯t.¡± ¡°You just hold it?¡± ¡°Rrr ¡­ I don¡¯t have to. Not in this form.¡± ¡°That¡¯s handy.¡± She tapped her index fingers together and hunched her shoulders. ¡°Sometimes, I gotta go real bad when I change back. And this one time, after I first started ¡­ no, never mind.¡± ¡°You wet your pants, didn¡¯t you?¡± ¡°Shut up!¡± ¡°It¡¯s all right,¡± Jake said, trying to stretch his back as he walked. ¡°I wet my pants once at that age¡ª¡± ¡°That¡¯s because you¡¯re a loser.¡± ¡°Then we¡¯re both losers.¡± She tugged on her pigtails. ¡°It was different in my case! Ah, forget it. We need to get downtown. That¡¯s where the serious fighting¡¯ll be.¡± She took off running, and Jake followed. ¡°I¡¯m used to flying,¡± she said over her shoulder. ¡°I¡¯m not sure how¡ª¡± ¡°Public transport¡¯s down.¡± ¡°Yeah. Some o¡¯ the ground-bounders are real quick, but I¡¯ve never practiced parkour like they do.¡± ¡°Don¡¯t expect me to keep up with you if you start doing that.¡± After a pause, she said, ¡°You did all right the other day.¡± She had her eyes forward again, so he couldn¡¯t see her face, but there was something in her voice different from the growling annoyance he had heard a moment before. ¡°I like to think I¡¯m fast,¡± he said, ¡°but I¡¯m no magical girl.¡± ¡°Heh.¡± Without breaking stride, she leapt high into the air, landed on the roof of a nearby bungalow and, with torso bent forward and arms spread out behind, sprinted across the shingles. She leapt again and, with a heavy clomp, landed on the road several paces in front of him. ¡°Exactly. I can¡¯t do stuff like that.¡± ¡°Dyna,¡± said Tesla, still perched in her hair, ¡°don¡¯t go ruining people¡¯s roofs for no reason.¡± She stopped running, turned, and twisted her mouth. ¡°Hm ¡­ I can hotwire a car¡ª¡± Grateful for the pause, Jake grabbed his knees and struggled to catch his breath. ¡°Really?¡± ¡°Yeah, it¡¯s easy.¡± She held up two fingers, and a hot, white snap of electricity arced between them. ¡°Isn¡¯t that grand theft auto?¡± ¡°Not when I do it.¡± Tesla sniffed again. ¡°Technically, you two, it¡¯s called joyriding when you take a vehicle but don¡¯t intend to keep it. In this case, however, it would be commandeering, and it would be legal under Urbanopolis Statute 2731, which protects magical girls on active duty. A magical girl can be prosecuted only in extremely limited circumstances for looting, murder, or grievous bodily harm with intent.¡± Dynamo pulled her pigtails again. ¡°C¡¯mon. I want a fast car.¡± When she continued jogging, Jake called, ¡°Does this law protect me?¡± ¡°Sidekick clause,¡± said Tesla from her hair. ¡°You¡¯re covered.¡± ¡°Hey,¡± said Dynamo, ¡°he is not my sidekick.¡± From up the street came a sound of clanking and crunching. Dynamo stopped and held up a hand. Jake crept up behind her and waited. Pulling her wand, she whispered, ¡°Thunder Bolt.¡± The wand shifted, making faint whirring and clicking noises as it transformed into a crossbow. She ducked low, sprinted across a yard, and pressed flat against the side of a house. Making considerably more noise, Jake followed. She peeked around the corner. ¡°Two of ¡¯em. Big ones.¡± He stepped up close behind her and looked over her head at the intersection of two broad streets, where a demolished corner market sat. Bricks, wooden beams, and dust littered the street, along with burst bags of potato chips and laundry detergent. Crouching over the rubble and pawing through it were two large robots, their feet equipped with three thick toes each. Their long forelimbs, half like arms and half like legs, hung from forward-hunched shoulders. Their jaws were shovel-shaped, and they had tiny crests on the tops of their heads. ¡°Some kind o¡¯ hadrosaur,¡± he whispered. ¡°Maybe an Edmontosaurus? Hmm ¡­¡± I don¡¯t care,¡± she whispered back. ¡°Check that out.¡± She pointed. On the street near the market, untouched by the damage, sat a sleek, low-set, electric blue Pagani Wobbegong, one of the most powerful sports cars on the Urbanopolis streets. Its front bumper was little more than an inch off the pavement. ¡°Zero to sixty in two point eight seconds,¡± she whispered. ¡°Carbon titanium frame. Six-liter V8 supercharged engine. Top speed of two hundred and¡ª¡± ¡°How do you know all that?¡± ¡°I saw it on TV.¡± ¡°Ah, c¡¯mon, that thing¡¯s a gas-guzzler. Our oil field isn¡¯t getting any bigger, you know.¡± ¡°Whatever.¡± ¡°How about an Ambassador? Fuel-efficient and almost never needs repairs. Best-selling car in town right now.¡± ¡°Bleh.¡± She stuck out her tongue. ¡°As a magical girl, you should set an example by being ecologically responsible.¡± ¡°No, as a magical girl, I should look cool.¡± She pointed her crossbow, and a bolt rose out of its trapdoor. ¡°I¡¯ll shoot the dino on the left first, then the right¡ª¡± Jake started when a strange, high-pitched laughter reached his ears: ¡°Oho ho ho ho!¡± Dynamo lowered her head. ¡°Oh no¡ª¡± The robotic dinosaurs looked up from their looting and snarled. One released a sonorous bellow. ¡°Though deceivers weave their tangled webs, my warp and weft are always true!¡± cried a girl¡¯s voice. ¡°A stitch in time stops crime¡ªfor I am Magical Girl Sword Seamstress! Oho ho ho ho!¡± In a cloud of purple smoke, a slender girl appeared on what was left of the shattered store¡¯s roof. She wore a black, long-sleeved minidress with poufy skirts. White lace accented her sleeves and collar. Marking her high stockings was a pattern of black and white diamonds. Folded silk roses adorned her miniature top hat. Her long, white hair hung in a braided ponytail intertwined with black lace. On her hands, she wore white gloves. Dynamo drew back and pushed into Jake. ¡°Zap.¡± From her garter belts, Sword Seamstress drew what Jake at first thought were pistols with big, golden knuckle guards instead of ordinary trigger guards, but then the gadgets unfolded with a loud clatter. What appeared to be slender barrels extended until they were three feet long, and the knuckle guards expanded and twisted until they became the sweepings of rapiers. She snapped these swords upward from her hips, passing her right hand across her tasseled Swiss belt as she did so. From the belt leapt a small, red ball. Sword Seamestress caught it on the tips of her swords and, with several precise flicks too quick for Jake¡¯s eye to follow, transformed it into a sweater. Holding the sweater overhead on her blades, she cried, ¡°I have come to mend the tears in the fabric of justice! Beware, evildoers, for I will bind you to your judgment!¡± ¡°Sword Seamstress,¡± Dynamo muttered. ¡°I can¡¯t stand her!¡± ¡°Unholy Christmas Sweater!¡± Sword Seamstress shouted. She flung her arms outward, hurling the sweater from her weapons. Instead of heading for the dinosaurs, it sailed across the street and struck Dynamo full in the chest. With a groan, she tumbled backwards into Jake as Tesla, with an angry buzz, jumped from her head. ¡°Oh no!¡± cried Jake as he fell to the ground and she landed on top of him. ¡°You¡¯re hit! How bad is it?¡± He scrabbled at her, but met something soft and fibrous instead of her armor. She slapped his hands away. ¡°Hey! Hey! No touchies!¡± When she jumped up, Jake gasped. ¡°Holy Princess ¡­ that is ugly.¡± Enwrapping Dynamo¡¯s torso was a frumpy, lumpy sweater probably large enough to hang to her knees, though it bunched up above both her powder puff tutu and her vambraces. It featured a green, knitted image of a Christmas tree, complete with working, flashing string lights interlaced with the yarn. The words ¡°Happy Xmas Cutie Pie¡± appeared beneath the tree in pink cursive. With a growl in her throat, Dynamo grabbed the sweater and tugged. Then she tugged again. Then her eyes widened. ¡°It won¡¯t come off!¡± ¡°Oho ho ho!¡± cackled Sword Seamstress. ¡°I have struck you with my Unholy Christmas Sweater Attack, Pretty Dynamo¡ªa sweater so ugly, it will make you lose the will to fight, the will to live! Curl up and die, Dynamo! Curl up and die from embarrassment!¡± A white Ragdoll cat stepped out from behind Sword Seamstress¡¯s left foot, sat on the edge of the roof, and licked its paw. Hovering in the air, Tesla sniffed. ¡°Stitches. I see you¡¯re here as well.¡± ¡°Ah, Tesla,¡± the cat purred. ¡°Shall we finish what we started, you insignificant insect? I could squash you like a bug.¡± She extended her claws. ¡°I¡¯ll defeat you easily,¡± Tesla replied. ¡°You¡¯re a pussy.¡± Stitches arched her back and spat. ¡°It¡¯s gonna take more than a bad sweater to stop me!¡± Dynamo shouted as she shook a fist. ¡°Let me crank up the heat, Sword Seamstress, and you can fry in your own greasy personality!¡± ¡°Hey,¡± said Jake, ¡°shouldn¡¯t we think about the dinosaurs¡ª?¡± From the hip, Dynamo fired two bolts. They hissed through the air and smacked into the bricks on either side of Sword Seamstress¡¯s feet. Sword Seamstress¡¯s eyes widened, and she clenched her teeth as her wrists turned outward and her swords bowed, drawn by the bolts¡¯ powerful electromagnetic fields. Dynamo clicked the button on her crossbow. ¡°Sew on this, wench!¡± Sword Seamstress leapt from the roof as a blinding flash erupted between the bolts. The back wall of the shattered shop exploded, and fragments of brick pelted the two hadrosaurs, who snarled and roared. A stink of flint and ozone filled the air. Surprisingly lithe in her stiletto heels, Sword Seamstress somersaulted in the air and landed only twenty feet from Dynamo. She brought one sword up to her face in an elegant salute. ¡°Well, that was electrifying. Cat¡¯s Cradle!¡± Another ball of yarn leapt from her belt. With swift flicks, she transformed it into a net and sent it zooming through the air. ¡°Surge Protector!¡± With a whir and a clatter, a large, oval-shaped shield unfolded from Dynamo¡¯s left vambrace. Gritting her teeth, she ducked into a defensive crouch. Sword Seamstress laughed. ¡°That might protect you from a surge, Pretty Dynamo, but can it protect you from serge?¡± The net struck the shield and wrapped around it. From the net, a single strand of yarn stretched to Sword Seamstress¡¯s left hand. With a hard tug, she pulled Dynamo off balance and sent her face-first into the ground. Dynamo kicked her legs back and then down to bring her body upright. Her shield collapsed into her arm, but instead of freeing herself, she entwined her hand in the tangled yarn and held tight. ¡°Hey, Sword Seamstress, how many volts should I apply to make this conduct?¡± There was a faint buzz, like a motor turning on. Sword Seamstress swiftly let go, slid backwards, and dropped to one knee. The yarn burst into orange flames. ¡°Lightning Rod!¡± As her crossbow transformed first into a wand and then expanded into a spear, Dynamo shook off the burning yarn and made a flying leap, aiming her bright weapon for Sword Seamstress¡¯s face. Sword Seamstress raised a sword and deflected. Then she somersaulted backwards and gained her feet. Dynamo came in swinging, but Sword Seamstress swept aside her whirlwind strikes and made bold lunges in reply. Apparently, though her swords were metal, her thick fencers¡¯ gloves were enough to protect her from the Lightning Rod¡¯s electrical charge. Dynamo jumped back and slid several feet across the asphalt. She raised her spear overhead and, with a sound like oil sizzling in a skillet, broke it in half. Electricity arced between the two halves for a moment as she separated them. Spinning each in her hands, she hurled herself into the fray again, now countering Sword Seamstress¡¯s two weapons with two of her own. After a rapid exchange of strikes, parries, and ripostes, the two were soon locked in a corps ¨¤ corps, each with her twin weapons pressed against the other¡¯s. The hadrosaurs watched the battling magical girls for a minute. Then they looked at each other, shrugged, bellowed, and charged. ¡°Look out!¡± Jake shouted. Sword Seamstress and Dynamo looked up. ¡°What a nuisance!¡± cried Sword Seamstress. ¡°Yeah,¡± said Dynamo. ¡°Can¡¯t they see we¡¯re busy?¡± They disengaged and, as one, threw themselves at the dinosaurs. Dynamo jumped and brought both halves of her spear down into the eye sockets of one, instantly dropping it. Sword Seamstress gracefully flipped over the head of the other and swung her blades against its neck, easily severing it. With a heavy crunch and screech, its head smashed into the pavement. Wow. Cheesed-off magical girls are really scary. Once the dinosaurs were down, Sword Seamstress stood on the back of one, and Pretty Dynamo stood on the back of the other. The magical girls faced off, knees bent and weapons raised. The white cat appeared again and wove herself back and forth around Sword Seamstress¡¯s feet. Tesla buzzed in the air above Dynamo. ¡°Why are you always on my back?¡± Dynamo shouted. Sword Seamstress tossed her head and brushed a strand of white hair over one ear. ¡°Answer me this question, Pretty Dynamo¡ªwhat does that boy over there mean to you?¡± ¡°What? That¡¯s none of your business!¡± ¡°Ha! Isn¡¯t it? Well, this has been most entertaining, but now I must run¡ªlike cheap stockings. Au revoir, Pretty Dynamo! Oho ho ho ho!¡± The cat jumped to her shoulder. She shot into the air and spun like a top, her swords glittering in the fading sunlight. Dynamo dropped half her spear and raised a hand. ¡°Ball Lightning!¡± A white, crackling sphere blasted from her palm, but it sailed away over Sword Seamstress¡¯s head. ¡°Darn you, Sword Seamstress!¡± Sword Seamstress laughed again. ¡°I am the Seamstress, my little Dynamo! I do the darning! Oho ho ho!¡± With that, she disappeared over the rooftops. Dynamo reconnected the two halves of her spear with a sizzle and a snap. Then she set about trying to cut through her sweater with the tip, but after a few minutes, gave up. ¡°So that was Sword Seamstress with her Knitting Rapiers,¡± said Jake. ¡°I got a friend who used to be a big fan.¡± ¡°They¡¯re actually closer to Tunisian crochet hooks,¡± said Tesla as he settled again on Dynamo¡¯s head. ¡°Note the unique pattern in Dyna¡¯s new sweater.¡± Dynamo grunted and jumped down from the ruined dinosaur. ¡°That lousy Sword Seamstress. When I get my ¡­ eh, forget it. Let¡¯s get out of here already.¡± Clearly in a bad mood, with the lumpy sweater having now slid over her skirt so that it hung to her knees, she stomped toward the fancy sports car. Chapter 11: Marionettes Magical Girl Grease Pencil Marionette remembered. She remembered everything, and she could recall it with crystal clarity. After all, she had a solid-state hard drive where her hippocampus should be. She remembered the moment when she walked out of the flames with the micro-arrays of semi-selective chemical detectors in her nostrils full of the acrid stench of charring wood and burning alkaloids. The haptic sensors in her feet returned signals that the tactile sensation simulators in her positronic parietal lobe interpreted as the roughness of hot concrete. Her internal temperature gauge complained that she was close to overheating, so her fans whined, and the vents under her shoulder blades dilated open, making her look hunched. She was naked, but in one hand she carried a torn and charred scrap of cloth, formerly white but now black from soot. It was a piece of what had once been a lab coat. In her other hand, she carried her grease pencil, its point dripping from the heat. Wisps of smoke still rose from her synthetic skin as she staggered down the dark streets. People screamed when they saw her. Children cried. Mothers snatched up their toddlers and ran. She didn¡¯t know where she was going, but something drew her on as she made her way through the narrow, labyrinthine roads of deep Urbanopolis. Rats and cockroaches scurried away from her bare feet. Overhead, a few stars twinkled in a purple sky, and the moon shone full and bright. At last, she found the vast rose garden at the city¡¯s center, on the spot that would later hold the Temple. It was a serene park of gently rolling hills, babbling brooks, tumbling waterfalls, lush grasses, and fragrant flowers. The roses bobbed in a faint breeze, and their leaves rustled. The tulips and hibiscus had shut up their buds for the night. Sound detectors in Marionette¡¯s ears registered the rhythmic chirp of cicadas. In the center of the garden rose a round platform of marble, its surface etched with a pentagram. On the platform stood six of the magical girls, the Moon Princess¡¯s inner circle: their uniforms were those of Urbanopolis¡¯s school districts, augmented with embroidery and jewels, or with plate armor, or with unnatural materials whose properties Marionette could only guess at. Ice Queen was there. Fists on her hips and a haughty glare on her face, she wore Enma High¡¯s dark blue winter fuku. A sea-green obi at her waist held a katana and wakizashi, each with a delicately carved and jewel-encrusted tsuba. Her long, straight hair was teal, and her eyes were frozen fire. Beside her, with an arm across her shoulders, stood Hell¡¯s Belle. She wore the red skirt, red tie, and fitted jacket of the prestigious all-girls¡¯ T&A Academy. A spiked plate covered her right shoulder, and a gauntlet enclosed her left hand. Her bright pink hair stood up in a Mohawk. She had a claymore across her back, and she gripped a heavy mace. Tattoos depicting skulls, flames, and snakes ran down her neck. Nearby, with arms crossed and a contemptuous sneer on her blood red lips, stood Hatchet Harridan. She had cut the blouse of her sailor fuku from Juban High to expose her midriff, and she wore fishnet stockings on her legs. Numerous studs pierced her lips, ears, and nose. Her hand axes, their blades sporting dried blood, hung in a leather belt at her hips. Crouching beside her was Sister Slicer, her green hair in a ponytail. She wore the sweater vest, plaid skirt, and necktie of St. Joan¡¯s Catholic. She had sewn loops into her clothes, and from those loops hung her throwing knives and shuriken. She had a tanto slung across the small of her back. Somewhat apart from the others stood Whip Witch. Her outfit was of tight black leather, but cut to resemble a uniform with a wide collar and a red neckerchief. On her left hip hung her razor chain whip, and she held a riding crop in her hands. A pointed cap with a broad brim sat on her head. Her long hair was dark purple, and her full lips were bright green. Framed in black eyeliner, her violet eyes shone with febrile intensity. The only one who did not wear a school uniform was Magical Himiko, the girls¡¯ leader: instead, she wore the white haori of a shrine maiden, but had traded the traditional hakama for a pleated red miniskirt. She leaned on a naginata, and its curved blade gleamed in the moonlight. These girls were young, but their mouths were stern and firmly set, their eyes cold. Their long, slender legs were full of stringy muscle and marked with bruises. Their clothes were dingy, frayed, stained, and in some cases singed. They were not schoolchildren. They were soldiers. Their hard eyes focused on Marionette as she stumbled toward them. They said nothing. Hell¡¯s Belle spat. Though Marionette¡¯s positronic brain automatically registered these girls and analyzed every detail of their faces, their postures, their uniforms, and their equipment, the magical girls could not hold the attention of her conscious mind¡ªfor she was there, standing in their midst. The angel. The goddess. The Moon Princess. Like a willow, she was slender, graceful, and tall. Her disheveled, golden hair, glistening like dew, hung almost to her feet. Her long gown glowed like the moon, and on her brow sat a tiara made of stars. Her eyes were as blue as the ocean, and as deep. Her face was calm, her gaze full of kindness. Not a single line marred her cheeks or forehead. The Princess had just returned from her latest battle. The green-eyed Bugmen from Arcturus had planned an especially devious attack: they had used tractor beams to realign the planets of the Solar System in order to activate an otherworldly portal Alexander the Great had left in the Caucasus. Had they succeeded, they would have unleashed a horde of hellish abominations from beyond the walls of space-time. While her faithful magical girls had found and smashed the portal, the Princess had personally struck down the Bugman fleet. Green gore still mottled her naked arms and coated the hem of her gown. In one fist, by its long antennae, she held a Bugman¡¯s severed head. ¡°What is this?¡± she asked, her voice as sweet and playful as the brook running through the garden. A gentle smile touched her lips as she leaned down, put a begrimed hand to Marionette¡¯s chin, and looked into her eyes. ¡°It is a strange gift, one even I had not foreseen. What is your name, child?¡± Marionette looked away as her emotion-simulating subroutines mimicked bashfulness. Her etiquette program advised her to kneel, so she did. ¡°I have no name, Your Majesty. I am only a marionette.¡± ¡°A marionette? A plaything? Would you have it so, child?¡± ¡°It is so, Your Majesty.¡± ¡°You have sought me, and you have found me, so what do you wish of me?¡± ¡°Your Majesty, I wish to be a real girl.¡± Briefly, the Princess again touched Marionette¡¯s face. Then she gestured toward her warriors. ¡°These others have made the same request, yet I could not grant it.¡± ¡°I do not understand, Your Majesty.¡± ¡°Do you understand what it is to be a magical girl, little marionette?¡± Marionette¡¯s eyes moved back and forth among the gathered girls. ¡°I ¡­ I am a fully functional, combat-ready magical girl simulation sys¡ª¡± The Moon Princess cut her short with tinkling laughter. ¡°Oh, poor, poor man. If I had known what he was attempting, I could have saved him. Your poor inventor. He need not have died.¡± Marionette dropped her eyes again and stared at the cloth she still clutched in one hand. ¡°I will give you a choice, little marionette. You may, if you wish, live well in this my fair city. You may have every comfort¡ªbut remain always a marionette. Or you may live as a magical girl.¡± ¡°I was designed¡ª¡± ¡°Your designer, I¡¯m afraid, did not understand. Will you serve me, marionette?¡± She held out one fine-fingered hand to reveal her ring, which bore her sigil, a crescent moon encircling a pentagram. ¡°Will you swear yourself to me, as these have? Will you serve me always? Will you daily take up your wand and follow after me?¡± Marionette¡¯s visual sensors analyzed the signet ring in silence. ¡°Most of my girls will end their service once they leave childhood behind them. Then they will live normal lives ¡­ if they can. But you, I¡¯m afraid, must give me more. Your service will be long, and it will be hard. But there is a chance¡ªI make no promises¡ªthat when it is at last over, you may break free from your synthetic shell as a butterfly breaks from its cocoon. Then, like these, you will take your place at my side. Little marionette, I offer you the hope¡ªsuch slender hope!¡ªof a soul.¡± ¡°But I do not¡ª¡± ¡°Before you answer, I ask you again: marionette, do you know what it is to be a magical girl?¡± This time, Marionette merely shook her head. Now the Princess leaned down until her cool breath tickled Marionette¡¯s ear, and she whispered, ¡°To be a magical girl is to suffer.¡±
Marionette finished her search. Her small, deft fingers tied up the laces on Card Collector Kasumi¡¯s corset and pulled Kasumi¡¯s minidress back over her shoulders. For several minutes, Marionette sat in a silent wake. ¡°I¡¯m sorry, Kasumi,¡± she murmured. ¡°In the end, I couldn¡¯t protect you.¡± Briefly, she touched Kasumi¡¯s closed eyes. Then she gathered the cards she¡¯d discovered into a small pile and unbuttoned her jacket. Kneeling on the floor beside the body of the closest friend she had known in over a century, Marionette sighed deeply as she touched her own chest and opened a portal there. A bright glow, like the fire of a miniature sun, filled the room.
The car was locked. Magical Girl Pretty Dynamo walked around it, tried the door handles, tried the trunk, and finally punched a fist through the driver¡¯s side window. The car alarm blared. ¡°Ah, cmon!¡± Jake yelled. ¡°You can¡¯t just break other people¡¯s stuff like that!¡± ¡°I break other people¡¯s stuff all the time.¡± She reached in and pressed the button to disengage the locks. Then she threw open the driver¡¯s side butterfly door, almost whapping Jake in the face with it. When she reached under the dashboard and yanked something, the alarm stopped. ¡°How¡¯d you know how to do that?¡± ¡°I can feel electromagnetic fields.¡± She walked around to the passenger¡¯s side. ¡°Get in.¡± ¡°Am I driving?¡± She glared at him. The car was low enough, even she could look over it. ¡°Of course.¡± ¡°Can¡¯t you drive?¡± ¡°I¡¯m eleven!¡± ¡°You said you could hotwire this!¡± ¡°Yeah, hotwire it, not drive it! She closed her eyes and leaned her forehead on the side of the car. ¡°Let me guess. You can¡¯t drive.¡± ¡°I¡¯m only fourteen.¡± ¡°You¡¯ve never driven before?¡± ¡°Well, I have¡ª¡± ¡°Good. Get in.¡± ¡°Yeah, but it¡¯s just¡ª¡± ¡°Get in!¡± She pulled up the door on her own side, jumped into the leather bucket seat, and slammed the door shut. He climbed inside. For a moment, he stared in confusion at the steering wheel: it was not a round wheel, but instead had ribbed grips located at ten and two. Between them was a complex array of knobs and buttons, all brightly colored but none clearly labeled. Great. He pulled the door down and said, ¡°Seat belt.¡± ¡°Oh my zappin¡¯ Princess, are you serious?¡± ¡°This car isn¡¯t going anywhere until you buckle up.¡± ¡°Sweet mother of the Moon, what are you, my grandma?¡± ¡°Do you want to argue, or do you want to fight robot dinosaurs?¡± She grabbed the seat belt with a snarl and fiddled with it for a moment before she got it to catch. ¡°There! Are you happy? You can¡¯t hurt me with this zappin¡¯ car anyway, but I buckled my seat belt!¡± ¡°Good girl.¡± He buckled his own and tapped his fingers on the wheel for a few seconds. ¡°Okay. Now, um ¡­ hotwire it.¡± She chewed her lip. ¡°Yes, I would like to hotwire it. I would very much like to hotwire it. But to do that, I have to get over there, which means I need to undo my seat belt!¡± With an inarticulate yell, she threw the seat belt off, vaulted over the stick, and pounced on him. ¡°Hey!¡± he shouted as he tried to fend off her knees and elbows. ¡°No roughhousing! This is not a rumble seat!¡± Tesla tapped a forelimb against her forehead. ¡°Dynamo!¡± ¡°Oh, for the love of all things lunar!¡± Dynamo splayed across Jake, squirmed, smacked him a few more times for good measure, and finally twisted around so she was sitting in his lap with her heavy boots on the dash, on either side of the steering wheel. ¡°There¡¯s no room in this darn thing!¡± ¡°You¡¯re the one who picked it,¡± said Jake, wincing. ¡°And you¡¯re heavy.¡± She reached back over her shoulder and tweaked his nose. ¡°Never call a girl heavy!¡± ¡°Ow! Ow!¡± She put her hands on the wheel and shoved herself backwards to dig her armor plating into his ribs. He gasped. She grumbled, ¡°Why didn¡¯t you wait ¡¯til I was done with this before you got in?¡± ¡°You told me to get in!¡± ¡°Whatever. Shut up.¡± With a casual swipe of one hand, she ripped the plastic cover off the steering column and threw it behind the seat. ¡°Ah, c¡¯mon, Dana!¡± ¡°What? You want me to hotwire it, don¡¯t you?¡± ¡°Can¡¯t you just, I dunno, pull some wires out from under the dashboard¡ª?¡± ¡°Only in movies, idiot. Now put it in neutral and press the clutch.¡± He did. She leaned down and bit through a wire with her teeth. ¡°You¡¯re gonna electrocute yourself.¡± ¡°I¡¯m electricity-proof. Stop nagging.¡± ¡°You¡¯re gonna break a tooth, then.¡± ¡°Rrrgh! How can you be a backseat driver from the driver¡¯s seat? Shut up and let me work!¡± She bit through a few more wires and then spliced a couple together. When she touched her fingertip to the starter wire, the engine turned over with a low rumble. She climbed over the center console and back into her own seat, kicking Jake in the chin in the process. ¡°Let¡¯s roll.¡± He winced as he rubbed his jaw. ¡°Seat belt.¡± Dynamo pounded the back of her head against her headrest, but she buckled up without further argument. Jake rubbed his hands together. ¡°All right, here I go¡ª¡± He disengaged the parking brake and popped the clutch. The car lurched suddenly and then rocked back and forth with a faint creak. The engine stalled. Dynamo crossed her arms and stared out the windshield. ¡°What the heck was that?¡± ¡°I¡¯ve never driven stick.¡± After half a minute of drumming the fingers of one hand against an elbow, she said, ¡°You are never going to get a girlfriend.¡± ¡°I have a girlfriend!¡± ¡°Has she seen you drive?¡± ¡°No, because I¡¯m fourteen!¡± Tesla cleared his throat. ¡°I may be able to help.¡± Dynamo rolled her eyes up to peer at him as he leaned over her forehead. ¡°You can drive?¡± ¡°Not a vehicle this large, obviously, but I have already intuited the functions of these simple controls. Remember, Dyna, I used to be a pilot.¡± ¡°A pilot?¡± said Jake. ¡°Wait, what are you? Aren¡¯t you a spirit guide or something?¡± Tesla laughed. ¡°No, young man, I am not. Quite a lot of the familiars are flesh and blood just like you. I am an Elektronian from the planet Elektron.¡± ¡°I should have guessed.¡± ¡°To your primitive eyes, my world would no doubt appear extraordinarily advanced, as all of our technology runs on a powerful force we call electricity.¡± ¡°You don¡¯t say.¡± ¡°I just did say, young man. Pay attention. This is why you¡¯ve been held back in school.¡± Jake muttered under his breath, but didn¡¯t answer. ¡°Dyna,¡± said Tesla, ¡°I suggest that we have your lackey here operate the controls while I give him instructions. Agreed?¡± Dynamo shrugged. ¡°Sure, whatever. Zap, but I want my Board back.¡± ¡°Patience, Dyna. Patience is a virtue, and magical girls must be virtuous. If you¡¯re not, they¡¯ll stop asking you for autographs and interviews, and you won¡¯t be invited to make any more appearances at school assemblies to give pithy advice about dental hygiene.¡± ¡°Can we get a move on here?¡± Jake said. ¡°Certainly. Dyna, start the engine again. Now, young man, this time¡ª¡±
Slowly and fitfully, with many starts, stops, and engine stalls, they made their way downtown while Jake learned how to drive a stick shift. Pretty Dynamo squirmed and fidgeted in her seat. She played with her window, with the sun visor, and with the glove compartment until Jake yelled at her to stop. Then she pouted in silence. They wound their way out of the hills until the houses gave way to apartment complexes, and then the apartment complexes gave way to motley, shared-wall buildings, most of them shops with loft apartments. The architecture grew less uniform, and the buildings began to show the signs of decay, destruction, and hasty rebuilding that characterized deep Urbanopolis. They entered the part of the city informally known as Little India, one of several quarters, constructed in the city¡¯s early days, that had retained a unique character instead of falling prey to the generic Japanese-American hybridization of the newer districts. Many of the buildings in Little India displayed the rounded corners, tapered pylons, and porthole windows of Streamline Moderne, the preferred style of the city¡¯s earliest phase, when its new inhabitants had imagined that Urbanopolis would be a shining city on a hill, like something from an old-time science fiction movie, instead of a perpetual war zone. In Little India, architects had blended Streamline Moderne with such features as domes, ribbed vaults, broken arches, and intricate tilework, creating a hybrid style called Streamline Mughal, which the city had adopted for many of its public buildings. This story has been unlawfully obtained without the author''s consent. Report any appearances on Amazon. Jake brought the car to a halt in front of a smoking pile of debris. Buildings on either side of the street had collapsed, blocking the road with brick and concrete. ¡°I can back up and try a different route,¡± he said, ¡°but I don¡¯t know if we can get around this. Looks like they hit this area hard, and if there¡¯s anything in the road at all, I can¡¯t drive over it. You could high-center this thing on a pebble.¡± Pretty Dynamo grunted. ¡°Let¡¯s get out.¡± She threw open her butterfly door, rolled out onto the pavement, ducked low, and sprinted for the rubble pile. Jake scrambled out and followed. She lay down against the pile and put a finger to her lips. He crouched beside her. From the other side of the heaped debris, he heard loud, high-pitched, discomfiting laughter, the sound of a man giggling like a child. ¡°That doesn¡¯t sound like one of those dinosaurs,¡± he whispered. Dynamo shook her head. ¡°No, it doesn¡¯t.¡± A trickle of sweat ran from her temple to her cheek. Deftly and silently, she scrambled to the top of the pile and peeked over. As quietly as he could, he followed and muttered oaths to the Princess whenever loose bricks slipped from beneath his feet or a sharp piece of rebar banged his knee. The opposite side of the rubble looked like a scene from hell. Some buildings still stood, but most had crumbled. A few fragmented concrete walls stood by themselves with twisted rebar reaching out from them like gnarled fingers. Bricks littered the cracked asphalt. Bodies stretched across the pavement, and sprayed blood surrounded them like the guts of a bug splattered on a windshield. Above them in the air hovered a thin man, probably in his mid-thirties, wearing the tattered remains of a tweed suit and a lime-green tie. He drifted back and forth, his head tilted back with his mouth open toward the sky. Wild shrieks of laughter poured from his throat. ¡°Zap,¡± Dynamo hissed. ¡°Retreat,¡± said Tesla quietly. A chill ran down Jake¡¯s spine as the bodies in the street twitched, groaned, and with much creaking and many sickeningly wet noises, slowly shambled to their feet. Dynamo slid back to the bottom of the pile, and Jake slid down after. ¡°What the heck was that?¡± he whispered as they ran toward the car. ¡°They warned us at the Temple. The Weapon opens a gate to hell. Sometimes, stuff comes back through.¡± ¡°That floating dude¡ª¡± ¡°He¡¯s possessed.¡± ¡°Holy Princess, are you serious?¡± ¡°I might be able to kill him, but that¡¯s all I could do, and that wouldn¡¯t help anyway.¡± She shook her head. ¡°I don¡¯t have any exorcism spells. This is a job for Voodoo Queen Natasha, or Nunchuk Nun, or Magical Miko Kiyoko, or Lady Paladin Andalusia¡ª¡± ¡°Hey, Tesla,¡± Jake whispered, ¡°you¡¯re her familiar. Can¡¯t you give her a new item to fight demons?¡± ¡°Sorry,¡± Tesla replied. ¡°Pretty Dynamo is more of a sciencey sort of magical girl.¡± ¡°You said you gave her powers by calling on the gods of thunder.¡± ¡°I did. And it was an entirely scientific process.¡± Jake had parked the car next to a small heap of crumbled stucco. As they neared, the stucco shifted, and pebbles clattered into the road. With an animal-like snarl, a man rose out of the heap. Gray dust covered him, and dried blood streaked his green kurta. ¡°That guy needs help,¡± said Jake. ¡°That guy¡¯s already dead,¡± said Dynamo. ¡°Lightning Rod.¡± She had her wand out. It expanded into a spear, but then immediately shrank into a wand again. She blinked and, mouth open, turned the wand over in her hand. Grunting and groaning, the man stretched his hands out as if feeling his way through a dark room. He stumbled toward them. Dynamo swallowed. ¡°Uh, Jake, you got any open sores or cuts or¡ª?¡± ¡°Yeah. Thanks to you, I got lots of ¡¯em.¡± ¡°Oh zap. Okay, don¡¯t let these things touch you and don¡¯t get any of their, uh, juice on you¡ª¡± ¡°What are you talking about? Shouldn¡¯t we help this guy?¡± Tesla¡¯s antennae wiggled. ¡°What Dyna is trying to say is, the man approaching us is actually a corpse reanimated by infernal powers. These ¡®undead,¡¯ as you quaintly call them, are notoriously infectious.¡± A lump formed in Jake¡¯s throat. ¡°Oh no.¡± ¡°Lightning Rod!¡± Dynamo yelled. Her wand didn¡¯t change. She held out a palm. ¡°Ball Lightning!¡± Nothing happened. ¡°Tesla, what¡¯s wrong?¡± ¡°I don¡¯t know. You should be fully charged.¡± Jake took a step back as the shambling corpse drew nearer. ¡°Can you kill zombies?¡± ¡°Of course I can,¡± she muttered through clenched teeth. ¡°Anyone can. You just hit ¡¯em in the head¡ªassuming I can get something to hit ¡¯em with. C¡¯mon, Lightning Rod!¡± She slapped her wand in her palm several times. Jake found a brick near his feet. He picked it up, hefted it to test its weight, and threw. His shoulder complained, but the brick hit the zombie full in the face. The creature dropped. ¡°Make for the car!¡± he shouted. After a few bounds, he threw open the car door. Above the lip of the rubble pile, several ashen faces appeared, and the possessed young man floated into the air above, his unfashionable tie flapping in the wind as his maniacal laughter continued. ¡°Ah, darn it!¡± Dynamo yelled as she slid over the hood and threw open the passenger door. ¡°We gotta at least get away from that guy!¡± She started the engine. ¡°Okay,¡± said Jake, ¡°seat belt.¡± Dynamo clapped a hand to her face. ¡°Hurry up!¡± Jake shouted. ¡°Oh, for¡ª!¡± Cussing an electric blue streak, Dynamo grabbed her seat belt and rammed it into its slot. Jake said, ¡°That¡¯s no way for a magical girl to talk.¡± ¡°Would you shut up and drive?¡± He threw the car into reverse, hit the gas, turned the wheel hard as he backed up, and spun the car around. ¡°All right, let¡¯s see what this baby can do!¡± He grabbed the stick, popped the clutch again, and killed the engine. Dynamo glared. ¡°You idiot.¡± Snarling like a mad dog, a zombie threw himself across the windshield and pounded a broken fist against the glass. Dynamo reached over and touched the starter wire. The car began idling again. ¡°Get us out of here!¡± This time, Jake did it right. The car started moving, but the zombie still lay on the windshield. Squirming like a landed fish, he flopped onto the top of the cab and clawed at the sunroof. Another zombie, this one a young woman in the tattered remains of a sari, leapt onto the trunk. Jake got the car into second gear without making it lurch. He could feel sweat seeping through his shirt. Something clumped against the driver¡¯s side door. He looked over to see a bloody, gray hand reaching through the hole Dynamo had made in the glass. ¡°Gyahh!¡± He floored it. The car jumped forward. With a wet splat, the zombie on the trunk fell off and rolled across the pavement. Groaning, the zombie on the driver¡¯s side also fell away, but his hand stayed there, stuck in the window. Its rotting fingers reached toward the bandage on Jake¡¯s cheek. ¡°Dynamo! Do something about this!¡± ¡°What? I¡¯m not touching that thing!¡± ¡°Aren¡¯t you immune to zombies or something?¡± ¡°Yeah, but that thing¡¯s gross!¡± ¡°Wait!¡± Tesla shouted. ¡°Neither of you touch a zombie until I run a diagnostic!¡± Dynamo¡¯s goggles dropped over her eyes, and text scrawled across her lenses. Tesla grunted. ¡°That¡¯s what I thought. Dyna, it¡¯s that sweater. I assumed its powers were aesthetic or perhaps aetheric, and therefore unlikely to harm you. I¡¯m afraid I made an error: the fibers are crawling with nanobots, which can apparently sap energy. If you don¡¯t get that sweater off soon, you¡¯re going to need another juice box.¡± ¡°Darn that Sword Seamstress!¡± Dynamo smacked a fist into a palm. Then she stared at her hands, blinking. Jake leaned as far as he could to the right to escape the grasping hand. ¡°How does this affect her powers?¡± ¡°Not entirely sure,¡± Tesla said, ¡°but she certainly shouldn¡¯t attempt to engage the enemy in any fashion until we remove the sweater. At the very least, she can¡¯t call any spells.¡± ¡°That hurt,¡± Dynamo mumbled. ¡°What?¡± said Jake. ¡°That hurt. Just now. When I hit my hand.¡± She hesitated a moment, but then slammed a fist into the glove compartment. Sucking her breath between her teeth, she squeezed her hand between her legs. ¡°That hurt! Tesla, what¡¯s wrong with me?¡± ¡°Calm down, Dyna! We just need to get that sweater off!¡± With a loud crack, glass rained into the cab, and the zombie up top shoved a hand through a new hole in the sunroof, getting most of his forearm into the cab before he got stuck. Dynamo shrank down in her seat and Tesla jumped from the top of her head into her lap. Now with zombie hands groping for him from two directions, Jake leaned down low over the center console. Something wet and warm slid down the back of his neck. Oh my Princess, that thing¡¯s bleeding on me! He rammed down the gas pedal and made a hard right around a blind corner. The tires squealed as the car slid, but the zombie on the roof tumbled off. Unlike the last one, he took his arm with him, leaving only a few ragged strips of flesh behind on the broken glass as he rolled across the pavement. ¡°Oh, sweet Princess in heaven.¡± Only a block away, a horde of fifty or more zombies headed toward them. Some had limp, swinging arms hanging from their shoulders by nothing more than threads of stringy flesh. Some dragged shattered feet. Some had eyes dangling from their sockets or broken jaws dangling from their skulls. Some had blood still seeping from recent fatal wounds. But when they saw the car, all released savage, animal-like moans and broke into what, for the undead, passed for a run. Tesla hopped onto the dashboard. ¡°Mow through them! Mow through them!¡± Jake floored it again. The car rocked as bodies struck the bumper, smashed into the windshield, and rolled over the cab. The windshield cracked, and blood sprayed across it. ¡°I can¡¯t see!¡± Jake shouted. Everything shook. The arm stuck in the window jiggled loose and tumbled between the door and the seat. Jake fell forward against his shoulder strap, and the airbag exploded into his face. He slammed back into his seat as the car came to a sudden halt. ¡°Oh no! Dana! Dana!¡± He reached toward her. That kid¡¯s still small enough for a booster seat, and I just¡ª ¡°I¡¯m fine, idiot! Stop touching me!¡± She slapped his hand away. ¡°I bet now you¡¯re glad I made you put on a seat belt.¡± ¡°Whatever. Shut up.¡± She tried to yank the door open. She threw a shoulder against it. ¡°Zap, it¡¯s stuck.¡± ¡°I¡¯ll try my side.¡± Jake pulled up the handle and shoved. The door didn¡¯t want to move, but he pushed. It creaked, and finally it lifted. He tumbled out onto the rubble-strewn street. As he had suspected, he¡¯d crashed into another toppled building, a jumbled mass of concrete and rebar blocking off the road. The front of the car had crumpled, and steam spurted from the ruptured radiator. ¡°Zap it!¡± Dynamo crawled out after him, holding Tesla to her chest. ¡°I liked that car! I was thinkin¡¯ of calling it the Dynamobile¡ª¡± ¡°You can¡¯t just keep it!¡± Jake shouted. ¡°Better than what you did to it, moron!¡± Something tightened painfully around Jake¡¯s left ankle. He looked down to see the severed arm holding him in a death grip. ¡°Yah! Get this thing off me!¡± Tesla leapt out of Dynamo¡¯s arms and flew a tight loop through the air. ¡°No time! Here they come!¡± The car had cut a bloody swath through the zombie horde. Shattered torsos and broken limbs flopped in the street, and long smears of blood coated the asphalt, but most of the zombies were still upright. They turned toward the car, reached out with their bloody fingers, and roared. ¡°All right,¡± said Jake, ¡°we can always outrun them, and I bet they can¡¯t climb.¡± ¡°They can climb,¡± said Tesla, ¡°but they take a while. On the plus side, we seem to have lost that demoniac, but we need to find an exorcist magical girl as soon as possible, or he¡¯ll just keep making more zombies.¡± Jake leapt, grabbed a piece of rebar jutting from a collapsed wall, and hauled himself up to the top of the ruin. Dynamo tried to jump after him, but she rose only a few inches off the ground, missed the rebar, and collapsed onto her backside. ¡°Ow!¡± she cried. The zombies were only twenty feet away. A note of bloodthirsty delight mixed with their snarls of rage. ¡°Holy Princess!¡± Jake jumped down and hauled Dynamo into his arms¡ªbut now he couldn¡¯t jump back up. ¡°Jake! This way!¡± Tesla waved frantically toward a spot to the left where the rubble was lower, and where a chrome grille from the building¡¯s fa?ade formed a makeshift ladder. He took off, and pain spiked into his ankle. The severed hand tightened. He clenched his teeth and ran anyway. With a rabid screech, a zombie lunged at him, reaching a twisted claw for his face. He threw himself aside, slipped in loose gravel, and fell hard against the collapsed wall. A sharp piece of rebar dug into his side. He gained his feet again and scrabbled up the grille. It slid downward, but he sprinted as hard as he could, struggling to keep atop the crumbled concrete as it clattered under his feet. He felt more zombie fingers against his calves¡ª But then he crested the pile. On the other side, the street stretched on. Storefronts had blown out, and the blackened shells of a few burnt-out cars belched evil-smelling smoke. But he saw no zombies. The undead howled in frustration and rage as he disappeared from their view.
¡°Tesla, I feel sick.¡± Pretty Dynamo¡¯s pale face was clammy. Jake could feel her body heat even through the thick sweater. She had a raging fever. ¡°She¡¯s not infected, is she?¡± Jake asked. ¡°I¡¯ve lost access to her diagnostics,¡± Tesla said as he landed on Jake¡¯s shoulder. The feel of his little limbs made Jake¡¯s skin crawl. ¡°But I don¡¯t believe so. I think it¡¯s the sweater.¡± ¡°How do I get it off?¡± Dynamo gasped. Tesla adjusted his glasses. ¡°I really don¡¯t ¡­ oh, goodness ¡­ well, it¡¯s possible that it might disintegrate if you transform.¡± Dynamo¡¯s eyes narrowed. ¡°Seriously?¡± ¡°Your transformation process produces powerful garment-dismantling rays, which are necessary to¡ª¡± ¡°That is not a real thing,¡± said Jake. Tesla cleared his throat. ¡°Garment-dismantling energies are the exclusive study of a highly specialized branch of the physical sciences, and they are absolutely vital to the intricate processes of magical girl transformation. Do not blame me, young man, if you do not understand them.¡± ¡°Then do it,¡± said Jake. ¡°We¡¯ve got nothing to lose now.¡± ¡°Put me down first,¡± Dynamo said. ¡°No, we¡¯ve gotta keep moving¡ª¡± ¡°She weakly pounded a fist against his chest. ¡°You just wanna touch me, you pervert!¡± ¡°Stop being a baby, Dana.¡± She didn¡¯t answer, but simply turned her face from him. However, after a few seconds, her armor, her skirt, her boots¡ªand the sweater¡ªevaporated in a flash of light. Her school uniform quickly materialized in their place. She reached a hand down and patted herself. ¡°It¡¯s gone! Put me down! Put me down!¡± This time he did. He jumped away from her and crouched, breathing hard. She raised a hand into the air and shouted, ¡°Shock my heart!¡± Nothing happened. ¡°Shock my heart! Shock my heart!¡± Dana trembled, and tears appeared in her eyes. Slowly, she collapsed to the street and burst into sobs. Jake scooped her up again, and this time she weighed nothing at all. She beat her fist on his shoulder, but otherwise didn¡¯t resist. ¡°Hush,¡± he said. He found a small convenience store and carried her inside. After a quick check to make sure no zombies were lurking in the corners, he pushed the door shut and, with his shoulder, shoved a shelf full of packaged henna in front of it. Then he carried Dana to the back and ducked behind the counter. ¡°Could the zombies trace us here?¡± he asked. ¡°Well,¡± said Tesla, ¡°the human nose and human ear are not particularly keen, and I shouldn¡¯t think that death would improve them ¡­ but I admit these are things outside my knowledge.¡± ¡°What, no zombies on Planet Elektron?¡± Tesla chuckled. ¡°Young man, there are many powers in the universe. You have powers you could not explain to a lower creature, and I have powers I could not explain to you, which you might as well call magic. But we are now dealing with powers that are magic even to me.¡± Jake nodded. He stared at the poorly blockaded door and tried to think. Dana pulled her knees to her face and wept. Chapter 12: Dance of the Zombies At once, Dana stopped crying and wrapped her arms around her stomach. ¡°Oh no ¡­ I gotta go!¡± Jake peeked over the counter. ¡°I don¡¯t think we¡¯re going anywhere until we know those zombies are gone.¡± ¡°No, I mean I gotta go!¡± ¡°What? Oh!¡± Jake jumped to his feet. ¡°You had too much for breakfast.¡± ¡°Shut up!¡± ¡°There¡¯s gotta be a bathroom in here someplace¡ª¡± His eyes scanned the small, cramped store. Soda machines and coffee pots crowded together on a counter against one wall. Filling the rest of the store were metal racks of junk food, mostly Indian namkeen. He spotted a corner, near the window, where a gap indicated a narrow hallway. ¡°There! The bathroom¡¯s over there!¡± Dana scrambled up from the floor and, now with one hand over her groin, ran toward the front. She rounded the corner, and a moment later, Jake heard the sound of a rattling doorknob. ¡°It¡¯s locked!¡± she shouted. He clattered around under the counter, where he found oily work gloves, the key to the cigarette case, and the dirty magazines they couldn¡¯t display up front. Finally, he spotted a key dangling from a lengthy, battered block of wood. ¡°I got it!¡± He slid across the counter, ran to the corner, and handed her the key. She jiggered it in the lock, muttering under her breath the whole while, until she finally got the knob to turn. She rushed inside and slammed the door behind her. A moment later, she screamed, and the door bludgeoned Jake in the face as she came back through. He staggered as she slid to the floor behind him, but when he heard an animalistic snarl, he put his shoulder to the door and pushed hard. A blue-gray hand with bloody fingers shot out of the bathroom, but Jake pinned it between the door and the jamb. Something heavy slammed against the door from the other side, sending Jake scooting back a foot. He put his shoulder to it again and shoved, this time meeting both an arm and a foot. Dana sat on the floor and hyperventilated. ¡°There¡¯s a zom¡ªa zom ¡­ oh no ¡­¡± A dark stain appeared on her skirt, and a puddle swiftly grew under her on the floor. Jake backed up an inch from the door and hit it again, but to no avail. The zombie on the other side couldn¡¯t feel pain. ¡°Tesla!¡± Jake shouted. With a buzz, Tesla flew over from the counter and hovered at Jake¡¯s shoulder. ¡°If you¡¯re hoping for assistance,¡± he said, ¡°I must admit my mass and strength will likely be insufficient.¡± ¡°Why is a zombie in the bathroom?¡± ¡°The demoniac¡¯s resurrection spell might have a wide range. If he was already dead¡ª¡± ¡°In the bathroom?¡± ¡°Perhaps he passed due to a brain aneurism. Humans have a curious ability to do themselves several forms of damage when going number two.¡± With a screech, the zombie slammed hard into the door, and the wood splintered. Jake¡¯s sneakers scrabbled against the grimy linoleum. ¡°Get me something! Anything! Something heavy or sharp!¡± Tesla ran his claws over his antennae for a second, and then he turned around. ¡°Dana¡ªoh!¡± Dana, sitting in a pool of her own urine, buried her face in her hands. ¡°This is the worst day of my life.¡± ¡°Dana!¡± Jake shouted. ¡°Get the heck up! Get off your soggy butt and get me a weapon!¡± Her head snapped up. ¡°I hate you!¡± she shrieked. ¡°You can hate me all you want! I don¡¯t give a darn! But get me a weapon!¡± ¡°Dana,¡± said Tesla soothingly as he lowered himself to hover beside her head, ¡°there¡¯s a storeroom in the back, and it likely contains some tools. What¡¯s say we find a hammer or¡ª¡± ¡°I don¡¯t care,¡± she said as she pulled her knees to her face. ¡°I just don¡¯t care anymore.¡± ¡°You¡¯re gonna care in a minute,¡± Jake snarled, ¡°when bathroom boy here is chomping on your brains!¡± He rammed himself against the door again. He heard more cracking wood. He swallowed, closed his eyes for a second, took a deep breath, and said, ¡°Dana, listen. I know it¡¯s been a lousy couple of days, but you can handle this. You¡¯ve had worse. You¡¯re Pretty Dynamo¡ª¡± Dripping, she rose shakily to her feet. ¡°Shut up, Jake! You don¡¯t understand anything! I¡¯m not Pretty Dynamo! Everyone always talks about how great she is! How great a fighter she is! How pretty she is! Well, I¡¯m not her! I can¡¯t be little miss perfect like her¡ª!¡± Jake slid down the door and stuck his feet out to keep his weight against it as his shoulders tired. ¡°You¡¯re a lot prettier than Dynamo.¡± Dana lowered her hands to her sides. Her ears turned red. Sweat poured from Jake¡¯s hair. ¡°Look, Dana, before a couple of days ago, I didn¡¯t pay attention to magical girls. I thought you were a bunch of weirdos who dress funny. I still don¡¯t know much about magical girls, but I¡¯ve figured out one thing: being a magical girl sucks. So if you wanna take it out on me, fine. You wanna hit me, kick me, scream at me? Fine. If it makes you feel better, I will be that for you. But whatever you do, don¡¯t quit. That¡¯s the one thing I won¡¯t stand. You hate Dynamo? Then show her you¡¯re better than she is. She¡¯s quit on us. Don¡¯t you quit.¡± Mouth open and eyes glistening, Dana turned around and ran toward the back. A moment later, she returned with a crowbar. Once she slapped it into his palm, he threw the door open. ¡°Come an¡¯ get it, pal.¡± The zombie wore a gray, oil-spotted dress shirt. His pants were around his ankles, and a dark brown stain ran down his naked legs. Jake slammed the crowbar into his head. The first blow was enough to knock the zombie back into the filth-streaked toilet. Jake followed through with six more rapid strikes, and each made a wet-sounding crunch that turned his stomach. Once Jake smashed in the side of his head, the zombie stopped fighting back, though his blood-caked fingers continued twitching. Like worms or caterpillars, his shattered brains squirmed up the shaft of the crowbar, so Jake dropped it with a strangled cry of disgust, backed out of the bathroom, and locked the door. He leaned on the door for half a minute and caught his breath while sweat streamed down his face. ¡°Okay,¡± he said, ¡°Tesla, what¡¯s keeping her from transforming?¡± He put a hand on Dana¡¯s shoulder and pushed her in front of himself as he walked toward the counter. She neither resisted nor complained. Tesla flew to the counter and lowered himself onto it. He pulled his cracked glasses off, and, while squinting, felt around with one forelimb, apparently looking for something with which to wipe his spectacles. His shell opened and closed spasmodically, and his wings fluttered. His bioluminescent organ blinked. ¡°I don¡¯t know. Unless the nanoprobes drained her completely ¡­ but I don¡¯t see how they could have. She was at a full charge, and it¡¯s impossible that they could siphon off so much energy so quickly.¡± ¡°They did.¡± ¡°I suppose, but I don¡¯t know how. I never thought Stitches had access to such sophisticated equipment. She hails from the planet Sutura, and the Suturians¡¯ sewing-based technology is by no means in advance of Elektron¡¯s electronics¡ª¡± His antennae waved as he rubbed a pair of tarsal claws across his pronotum. ¡°Besides that, Dyna¡¯s decline was bizarre. When Pretty Dynamo runs low on energy, her powers don¡¯t fade. Machines don¡¯t grow weary. They shut off when depleted. Her organics might grow weaker, but not her artificial systems. And if she¡¯s really out of energy, she should be struggling to stay awake. Sleep is her repair mode.¡± Jake led Dana behind the counter and gently pushed her down to sit on the floor. Tesla tapped a claw against his labrum. ¡°Hmm ¡­ it is possible that the sweater was disruptive rather than draining. The gradual decline might be due to the time it took the nanomachines to take control of her systems and shut them down. If that¡¯s the case, they might be interfering with her cybernetic implant.¡± ¡°Implant?¡± ¡°Of course.¡± ¡°You mean, right now? Not just when she¡¯s Dynamo, but when she¡¯s Dana, she¡¯s got some sort of¡ª¡± ¡°Of course.¡± Jake looked down at Dana again. The thought made him queasy somehow. He leaned close to Tesla and muttered, ¡°What exactly did you do to her?¡± Tesla stuck his glasses back over his compound eyes. ¡°I did what any familiar does¡ªI made a contract.¡± Jake clenched and unclenched his jaw for a few seconds. ¡°What exactly is this implant?¡± ¡°A simple device, really. It initiates her transformation sequence.¡± ¡°How?¡± ¡°By sending a current of electricity across her heart.¡± ¡°You mean she¡¯s got a pacemaker?¡± ¡°If that helps you.¡± ¡°So when she says, ¡®Shock my heart¡¯¡ª¡± ¡°It¡¯s a voice command for the implant, yes. You look surprised.¡± ¡°I thought it was a metaphor.¡± ¡°No.¡± ¡°So all we need to do is shock her heart, and she should transform?¡± Tesla rubbed his claw under his labium. ¡°Theoretically, yes, if the current is sufficient¡ªand if it doesn¡¯t kill her.¡± ¡°What about the nanoprobes?¡± ¡°Unfortunately, I can¡¯t claim to understand the technology unless I get a chance to study it, but, coming from Stitches, they are undoubtedly sewing-based, and therefore susceptible to garment-dismantling rays. There is the distinct possibility that transforming into her alter ego and then back into Pretty Dynamo will remove them and their effects entirely from her system. Something like a hard reboot for a malfunctioning computer.¡± ¡°That doesn¡¯t work for everything.¡± ¡°I realize, but this is, let us say, more radical. Her transformation¡ªthis might disturb you, but bear with me¡ªdestroys and rebuilds her body from the ground up. Then it reconstructs her when she changes back.¡± Jake couldn¡¯t put a name to his reaction to that, but it must have looked ugly, because Tesla took a few steps backwards on the Formica countertop. ¡°Young man, you must understand that this¡ªor something like it¡ªis the norm for magical girls. Surely you realize that Dana Volt does not have Pretty Dynamo¡¯s strength? Where do you think her strength comes from?¡± ¡°I assumed it came from magic.¡± ¡°But what is that? You use that word in the most primitive possible way, as a vague, blanket term for anything you don¡¯t understand. But to every familiar, what you call magic is a disciplined field of study: even Voodoo Queen Natasha¡¯s serpent Celestine comprehends the exact workings of Voodoo, the negotiations and briberies and economic transactions of the spirit world by means of which Natasha gets her power. To you, that is incomprehensible, but to her, it is science. To me, this, the power of electricity¡ªincluding properties your scholars have not recognized¡ªis my science. I brought to your world nothing more nor less than the technology of Elektron. It was all I had.¡± Jake reached out and wrapped a hand around Tesla¡¯s hard shell. ¡°And you dumped that technology on some poor little girl? Why? We have a military, so why didn¡¯t you give it to them? Or the Council Fathers? Or the High Priestess? Why Dana Volt?¡± Tesla opened his mouth, but then, after a moment, closed it again. ¡°I don¡¯t know.¡± ¡°What?¡± Tesla frowned. ¡°It seemed that the best way to help your world was to imbue one of your young females with my technology ¡­ funny, it never occurred to me to do otherwise¡ª¡± ¡°And why us? Why our planet?¡± Now Tesla laughed. ¡°Surely you jest. My boy, the whole universe is focused on your planet.¡± ¡°Why?¡± Now Tesla frowned again. ¡°Well ¡­ well, it never occurred to me to question that, either¡ª¡± ¡°All of you, all you familiars, you all show up here, on our world and in our city, just to help us out?¡± ¡°Of course. I¡¯d rather say you need it, given your uncanny ability to attract the attention of the darkest forces in the cosmos.¡± ¡°And every one of you gets the brilliant idea that the best way to help us out is to bestow this science of yours on a little girl?¡± ¡°Of course ¡­¡± Tesla frowned again and pushed his glasses up his clypeus. Jake let go of him. ¡°What do we do now?¡± ¡°Well, our best option is probably to find a way to shock Dana¡¯s heart.¡± ¡°Exactly how much current does it take?¡± ¡°She needs at least a hundred joules in the space of fifteen milliseconds or less to activate her transformation sequence. The exact amperage and voltage are relatively unimportant so long as they produce the required energy.¡± The author''s narrative has been misappropriated; report any instances of this story on Amazon. Jake¡¯s eyes scanned the room until they alighted on a white box near the doorway to the storeroom. Printed on the box was the image of a heart with a lightning bolt streaking across it, much like the emblem that topped Pretty Dynamo¡¯s wand. Above the image were the letters, ¡°AED.¡± Jake ran to the box, threw it open, and pulled out a blue pouch. ¡°Will this work?¡± Tesla flew to his shoulder as Jake unzipped the pouch. Inside were a safety razor and a rescue breath barrier, and a machine encased in purple plastic. Jake pulled out the machine and tossed the rest aside. Leaning down and adjusting his glasses, Tesla said, ¡°Ah. A simple yet elegant device: a transformer, capacitor, diode, two switches¡ª¡± ¡°You can tell that just by looking at it?¡± ¡°I¡¯m not just looking at it. I¡¯m sensing its electromagnetic fields as well the conductivity and resistivity of its various components via organs for which there are no words in your language. Now, young man, consider: the conductive gel on those two pads there should, I estimate, reduce the resistivity of the human skin to approximately twenty ohms. The capacitor has a capacitance of about a thousand microfarads. The peak voltage is five hundred volts, which it should deliver in the space of one hundredth of a second when the capacitor discharges. Now, voltage is equal to amperage times resistivity, so with a little basic algebra, that gives us twenty-five amperes. Energy, measured in joules, is a product of the voltage times the electrical charge. The charge is measured in coulombs and is calculated from the amperage times the duration measured in seconds, and that means¡ª¡± ¡°A hundred and twenty five joules,¡± Jake said. ¡°Very good, young man. You¡¯ll make high school yet!¡± ¡°Math is kinda my thing.¡± ¡°You know how to use this device, I hope?¡± Jake nodded. Advanced first aid had been a part of his schooling since he was twelve. In Urbanopolis, emergencies were a way of life. ¡°Dana,¡± he called, ¡°take off your shirt!¡± She had been sitting with her forehead against her knees, but now she glared at him. ¡°What?¡± There was a loud thunk, like the sound of a soft object striking glass. Jake looked over and saw a red streak across the storefront window. Was that there before? He walked toward Dana. ¡°Look, I think we can get you¡ª¡± ¡°Stay away from me!¡± She scrambled backwards, coming to rest against a shelf full of rolled-up receipt paper. Her chest heaved. ¡°Dana¡ª¡± ¡°Don¡¯t touch me!¡± ¡°Dana, for cryin¡¯ out¡ª¡± He stopped. She stared up at him with that same wide-eyed, fearful look. She wasn¡¯t just being ornery. A new thought flashed across his mind¡ª What happened to this girl? Slowly, he knelt before her. He held out the automated external defibrillator and laid it on the floor as if offering a gift. Putting his hands together, he said, ¡°Dana, I swear by the wand of the Moon Princess, I will never, ever hurt you.¡± Before his mind¡¯s eye appeared the image of the bruises he had left on her arm, so he added, ¡°On purpose.¡± She had her back pressed hard against the shelf and one arm raised as if to strike him, or as if to ward off an anticipated blow. ¡°You promise?¡± ¡°I just did.¡± ¡°Promise?¡± ¡°Yes, darn it!¡± ¡°Pinky swear?¡± ¡°Oh, for the love of¡ªyes, cross my heart and everything. Would you hurry up?¡± He heard another thunk. Rising to a crouch, he peeked over the top of the counter and saw a zombie looking through the store window. It was a woman. Half her face was torn away to reveal a skull caked with dried blood. From a hole in the side of her head protruded a length of pink brain matter that squirmed and wheeled in the air like a tentacle. When her sunken, bloodshot eyes alighted on Jake, her blood-rimed mouth broke into a wide, mirthless grin. She slapped a hand against the window, and then another. The pounding became a rhythm, slowly increasing in both speed and intensity. ¡°Oh my Princess.¡± ¡°We need to hurry,¡± said Tesla. Dana, chest still heaving, pulled off the blouse of her uniform to reveal a threadbare undershirt. ¡°Huh,¡± said Jake. ¡°I guess you haven¡¯t graduated to a training bra yet¡ª¡± With a vicious snarl, she landed the toe of a Mary Jane on his shin. Taking the name of the Moon Princess in vain, he hopped away from her and fell on his back. ¡°Just tell me what I need to do!¡± she shouted. He took to his feet. Two more zombies had appeared at the window, and they also beat their hands on the glass, falling into the same rhythm. Malice and hunger filled their dead eyes. Their gaze made the hairs on the back of Jake¡¯s neck rise, and his insides suddenly felt cold. He crouched again, pulled the plastic lid off the AED, and hit the power button. A soothing, masculine, and very loud voice burst from the machine: ¡°Remove all clothing from the patient¡¯s chest.¡± Jake met Dana¡¯s eyes. ¡°I¡¯m sorry.¡± Her face bright red, she pulled off her undershirt while Jake found the defibrillator pads. He peeked over the counter again. Eight zombies now crowded at the window, all beating against the glass. He had seen her without clothes when she transformed, of course, but he hadn¡¯t really looked. He already knew Dana was thin, but now he saw that she was astonishingly skinny. Almost all of her ribs showed through her porcelain-white skin, and her collarbones stuck out starkly below her neck. Brown freckles clustered on her shoulders and spilled down her upper arms. She kept her eyes on the floor and chewed her lip. Her ears burned. She trembled, perhaps from cold, perhaps from fear. She looked tiny, and decidedly pathetic. He felt a sudden, absurdly powerful, and absurdly specific desire to wrap her in a blanket and give her a sandwich. He pulled the backing off one of the sticky pads and reached toward her, but she snatched it from his hands, getting it stuck to her fingers. ¡°Just tell me where it goes!¡± The AED, in its announcer¡¯s voice, declared, ¡°Apply defibrillator pads to the places shown in the diagram.¡± He pointed under her collarbone on the right side of her chest. ¡°Push it on firmly.¡± Grumbling, she did. Her freckles all but disappeared in the midst of her blush. With a deafening crash, the window burst in. The zombies let out a chorus of grunts, snarls, and roars. ¡°Oh no, no!¡± Jake ripped the backing from the other pad and slapped it onto her ribs himself. She hissed and flinched away from him. ¡°Analyzing!¡± boomed the machine. ¡°Do not touch the patient!¡± Jake stood. The zombies, hands groping, poured through the window, mindless of the flesh they left behind on the jagged glass. They tumbled to the floor and then slowly, like elderly men with back problems, staggered to their feet. Thin lips pulled away from yellow teeth as they clomped forward, ravenous hunger in their eyes. They grunted and snuffled, but one worked his lips and his purple tongue until he formed a single word: ¡°Braaains!¡± ¡°Do not touch the patient!¡± the AED boomed again. ¡°Hurry up!¡± Jake shouted. The zombies bumped against shelves and knocked pouches of crisps and boxes of cold medicine to the floor. They were only ten feet from the counter. Now eight. Now five. ¡°No shock advised,¡± the AED concluded. ¡°Resume CPR.¡± Jake stared down at the machine as panic tightened his chest. ¡°What? What?¡± Tesla rose into the air. ¡°The device does not detect a ventricular fibrillation, it seems. Not surprising, since Dana¡¯s heartrate is elevated but otherwise normal.¡± ¡°What do we do?¡± ¡°Well, if I tinkered with it for a few minutes¡ª¡± The zombie woman with the squirming brain stood on the other side of the counter like a customer buying a snack. She reached a hand, its flesh torn back from the bones of its fingers, toward Jake¡¯s face. ¡°Perform chest compressions to the following rhythm,¡± declared the AED. Then it began playing ¡°Stayin¡¯ Alive¡± by the Bee Gees. Jake blinked. ¡°Huh. That seems kinda frivolous¡ª¡± The zombies stopped moving. A look of confusion, as if she were trying to dredge up an ancient memory, replaced the predatory and ravenous look on the female zombie¡¯s face. She drew back from Jake and grunted. Then she pointed at the floor. She pointed at the ceiling. Slowly, dragging her heavy feet, she pointed at each of the four walls. The other zombies stiffly gyrated their pelvises and pointed at various random objects in the store. Tesla lowered himself to Jake¡¯s shoulder and whispered, ¡°Do you know what they¡¯re doing?¡± Jake blinked again. ¡°I ¡­ I think they¡¯re dancing.¡± Tesla pushed his glasses up his clypeus. ¡°Fascinating. It appears some residual memories remain lodged post-mortem in their demonically modified brain structures. Some motor memory is necessarily intact, of course; otherwise, they couldn¡¯t walk. But this present behavior suggests that other memories remain as well, and their reaction to this musical piece tends to support speculations of mine regarding certain universals of human behavior.¡± ¡°What speculations?¡± ¡°Humans,¡± said Tesla as he again adjusted his rebellious spectacles, ¡°like to get down with their bad selves.¡± Jake rubbed his chin and pondered the AED. ¡°I wonder if we can get this thing to play ¡®Thriller¡¯¡ª¡± As suddenly as it had started, the music stopped. ¡°Perform rescue breaths,¡± the machine declared. ¡°Breathe ¡­ breathe!¡± A new look of rage entered the zombies¡¯ eyes. They opened their mouths and their swollen tongues writhed as they screamed. Jake scooped Dana into his arms and launched himself toward the doorway into the back room. Her urine soaked into his shirt. The AED, still wired to her chest, clattered against the floor as he dragged it. Hands outstretched and eyes alight, the zombies staggered after. The back was full of cardboard boxes and stacked sports drinks. The boxes flanked a narrow path, at the end of which stood a metal fire door. Above the door blazed the word EXIT. Jake ran. His right hip clipped a case of Kingfisher beer. He fell off balance and stumbled into more stacked goods. A box of potato crisps tumbled onto his shoulders. The zombies poured into the room. They tripped over boxes. One fell flat on his face, but rose again and shambled forward, unaware of his broken nose. ¡°Analyzing,¡± the AED shouted. ¡°Do not touch the patient!¡± Jake staggered forward, but more boxes tumbled from the stacks and caught his feet. With Dana in his arms, he couldn¡¯t push them out of his way. The zombies closed in. One of them stepped on the AED. ¡°Shock advised!¡± the AED announced. ¡°Stand clear! Press the flashing blue button now!¡± ¡°What?¡± cried Jake. ¡°What?¡± Tesla zipped down and slapped a claw against the machine. As if he¡¯d run headfirst into an invisible wall, a burst of pressure knocked Jake to the floor, where he lay stunned. The zombies must have struck him. His body went numb, and that had to mean they was eating his brains¡ª I¡¯m sorry, Dana. I tried. I really tried¡ª Above him hovered a blinding light. Something crackled against his skin. Perhaps he was dead already. Perhaps the Moon Princess was taking him to paradise. That, at least, was a comfort: he had done everything in his power to aid a magical girl, so the Princess, surely, would save his soul. From within the light, a familiar voice cried, ¡°By the power of Zeus, Thor, and Raijin, release the energies within my soul! Electrifying the world with love and friendship¡ªand making evildoers feel the wattage of justice¡ªI am Magical Girl Pretty Dynamo!¡± He felt a grin spread his lips. Go get ¡¯em, Dana. Pretty Dynamo, confident and powerful, stood above him in her armor and blue tutu. ¡°Lightning Rod!¡± she shouted. ¡°Surge Protector!¡± Her left vambrace opened, and her shield unfolded. In her hand, her wand expanded into a shining spear. With a war-whoop, she leapt upon the zombies and sent them back to death. Jake lowered his face to the storeroom¡¯s cold concrete floor. Quietly, he said his second real prayer in a long while, and gave thanks to the Princess. Chapter 13: The Paladin Jake couldn¡¯t remember the last time he was this tired. They¡¯d been hiking for hours, and the sun was dipping toward the west. His stomach ached, and the inside of his mouth felt rough and gooey. He hadn¡¯t eaten or drunk anything since breakfast. His calves and the arches of his feet burned. His left foot swelled up, and his shoe felt tight. He limped, and every step sent a shock of pain up his leg. No matter how long he smelled it, he couldn¡¯t grow accustomed to the fetid stench of rotting zombie flesh, which clung to the blood and gore covering Pretty Dynamo, and to the severed hand grasping his leg. Every once in a while, he fell into a fit of retching. They had entered the financial district, where skyscrapers towered over narrow, canyon-like streets. Pretty Dynamo had dispatched several zombies and a few small Robosaurs along the way. Once, they found a horde of zombies swarming a panicked Kosmoceratops. They watched for a while from a concrete portico, and then Dynamo moved in to finish off what remained. They didn¡¯t talk much. Dynamo kept her back to him when she could. When she wanted him to go somewhere, to duck lower, to stay hidden in a doorway or around a corner, she said so curtly, in a low voice, or with hand gestures. He answered with short grunts. It went on like this for hours. Jake didn¡¯t know why she was being so distant, but he didn¡¯t question it. She clearly didn¡¯t want to speak to him. He didn¡¯t much want to speak to her, either. They sprinted from doorways to alley mouths to blind corners, Dynamo always holding up a hand to stop him while she checked the surroundings. The sudden stops and starts exhausted him. He panted hard, and spikes of pain dug deep into his left hip. While they crouched on the porch of a narrow, seven-story office building, she finally turned on him and, to his surprise, hissed, ¡°What is your problem?¡± ¡°What? My problem?¡± ¡°Yes!¡± They were both hunkered down, but he was still a head taller than she was. She had her jaw thrust out, her lower lip extended in a pout. Her green eyes flashed, accusatory. Her breastplate bobbed steadily up and down with her deep breaths. But her ears were bright red again. She looked to him as she had when he first saw her: like a child pretending to be tough. In spite of himself, he laughed. The red in her ears deepened and spread to the rest of her face. She said, ¡°Don¡¯t¡ª¡± Then she stopped herself, turned her face from him, and sulked. He quit laughing immediately, and he felt heat creep into his face. His skin itched, so he rubbed a hand across his chest. Suddenly, he realized why she had avoided his eyes for hours: she had lost her powers in front of him, lost control of her bladder in front of him, and then had to undress in front of him. Even Pretty Dynamo would feel humiliated. At least, if she and Dana were really the same. ¡°Who are you?¡± he asked. She sat back against a brick half wall, pulled her knees to her chin, and made an irritated rasping sound in her throat. ¡°Who do you think I am?¡± ¡°I don¡¯t know. Dana says she¡¯s not you.¡± With a groan, he lowered himself beside her and pulled up his own knees. ¡°When you show up, do you stuff Dana in a box somewhere, or what?¡± She sighed. ¡°We¡¯re not different people, Jake.¡± ¡°But she hates you.¡± ¡°Haven¡¯t you ever hated yourself?¡± ¡°You have different personalities.¡± ¡°Are you sure?¡± He didn¡¯t answer. Instead, he scanned the concrete and broken glass littering the street. ¡°Are you the same person,¡± she asked, ¡°when you¡¯re happy and when you¡¯re sad? When you¡¯re strong and when you¡¯re weak? When you¡¯re brave and when you¡¯re scared?¡± ¡°Yes.¡± Her voice grew quieter, and a tremor entered it. ¡°How do you know?¡± ¡°Well, I remember myself at those other times, so¡ª¡± ¡°So it¡¯s memories, then? Is that all it takes to make you, you?¡± ¡°I ¡­ I don¡¯t know.¡± Jake glanced at Tesla, who nestled in Pretty Dynamo¡¯s hair. Tesla also avoided his eyes, and made a great show of wiping his glasses. ¡°I remember being Dana,¡± Dynamo mumbled. Jake spun his thumbs around each other a few times before he said, ¡°I want you to know, you don¡¯t have to be embarrassed with me.¡± The red in her face deepened. She said through clenched teeth, ¡°What makes you think¡ª?¡± ¡°C¡¯mon. Everything that just happened. Anyone would be embarrassed. But it¡¯s okay. I understand. Anybody could have done the same¡ª¡± She lowered her head and tapped her index fingers together. ¡°I don¡¯t care.¡± ¡°Good.¡± ¡°I don¡¯t care what you think, or what you see, or what happens to me when you¡¯re there, because I hate you anyway.¡± ¡°Right. Exactly. So don¡¯t be embarrassed.¡± ¡°I¡¯m not!¡± ¡°Good.¡± A minute passed in silence. The tremor in her voice increased when she said, ¡°Y¡¯know, I¡¯m ¡­ I¡¯m not gonna look like this forever.¡± She swallowed hard. ¡°I¡¯m gonna grow. I will. Really.¡± Oh, Dana. He again felt that strange urge to put a blanket around her shoulders.
They continued the starts and stops, the ducking and sprinting, until Pretty Dynamo finally halted mid-run in the middle of a narrow avenue and held up a hand. Jake ran straight into her back. ¡°What is it?¡± he whispered. ¡°Can¡¯t you see?¡± She pointed. A block ahead, two identical, glass-covered skyscrapers flanked the street. They were hardly different from most of the other buildings in the area, but had thick, rectangular concrete stanchions at their corners. Four stories up, resting on tripods atop the stanchions, were huge machine guns with thick water jackets and fat, wheel-shaped muzzle brakes. Sweat broke out on Jake¡¯s forehead when he realized he could see directly down their barrels. ¡°They¡¯ve activated the street-level auto-turrets,¡± Dynamo said. ¡°Probably took a while to code ¡¯em to the zombies¡¯ chemical signatures.¡± ¡°They shouldn¡¯t shoot us, though, right?¡± ¡°Well, no ¡­ but we¡¯re covered in zombie juice.¡± Jake¡¯s throat tightened. ¡°Should we run for¡ª?¡± ¡°They¡¯re probably not firing cuz they don¡¯t have a perfect match, but if we move too quick, they¡¯re more likely to shoot. That¡¯s how their threat-detection thingies work. I wouldn¡¯t mind if you weren¡¯t here, cuz guns can¡¯t hurt me¡ª¡± ¡°What do we do?¡± Dynamo tugged one of her pigtails. ¡°Put your hands up. Slowly.¡± Jake did. From an upper story window, a man¡¯s voice shouted, ¡°Halt! Identify!¡± They had already halted, but Dynamo called out, ¡°Pretty Dynamo, magical girl! Jake Blatowski, civilian!¡± After a moment, both of the machine gun turrets swiveled away from them, and then a four-man fireteam in combat fatigues and body armor stepped out of a nearby doorway. The team leader spoke briefly into a radio. As he did, the automatic rifleman, packing an intimidating M249 LMG, dropped to one knee, scanned the street, and waved Jake and Dynamo over. ¡°Keep your hands up,¡± Dynamo said. ¡°These guys don¡¯t mess around.¡± She walked toward the soldiers, and Jake followed. As she approached, she made the sign of the Moon Princess and said, ¡°Corporal.¡± The team leader was a young man with a clean-shaven face still boyishly round, but his gruff expression offset the impression of immaturity. He returned Dynamo¡¯s salute and said, ¡°Magical girl, sir. You¡¯ve entered District 328, Detox Delta. It¡¯s secure, sir.¡± ¡°Who¡¯s in charge?¡± ¡°LPA. Command is for exorcists only, but you still outrank me, sir.¡± Pretty Dynamo nodded. ¡°Keep an eye on your turrets, corporal, or you¡¯re gonna shoot up civilians.¡± ¡°Yessir.¡± The corporal scratched the back of his neck, making his helmet jiggle. He lost some of his formality when he added, ¡°They¡¯ve set the things on low suspicion, but I still don¡¯t trust ¡¯em. I wanted ¡¯em off, but that decision¡¯s over my head.¡± ¡°What did your exorcist say?¡± ¡°It¡¯s over her head, too. Came from the Fathers, maybe, or the Priestess. Couldn¡¯t tell you which. They want to funnel any stray civvies through here, but then they turn on the auto-turrets and risk cutting ¡¯em up. It¡¯s the usual cluster, sir.¡± ¡°Where¡¯s Delta?¡± ¡°Straight up the street two blocks, take a left. We got machine guns, snipers, and MPATs in place. The works. But unlike those turrets, they¡¯re manned. Have your friend there keep his hands up. They¡¯re under strict orders not to shoot until they I.D. the target.¡± ¡°Thanks.¡± She nodded to Jake. ¡°Let¡¯s go.¡±
After a couple more blocks, they turned a corner and discovered the collapsed body of a robotic Apatosaurus, its long neck and tail curved in a crescent that blocked the street. Nestled against its bulk was a pavilion where crowds of people, most of them looking battered and weary, milled about. A few men in hazmat suits stood in a cluster and conversed with firemen and police. Soldiers were here too, with submachine guns hanging from their slings, but they looked more relaxed than the picket they¡¯d met before, and some were chatting with the civilians. ¡°Finally,¡± Jake rasped. ¡°Civilization.¡± Several men and women equipped with cameras, microphones, and press badges rushed toward them, shouting questions over one another. ¡°Here they come,¡± Dynamo muttered. ¡°Vultures.¡± ¡°You there! Stay!¡± cried a strange voice. It was a strong voice, and pleasant, but neither low nor high. Jake looked around, thinking that perhaps a young boy had spoken. He heard the clop-clop of hooves, accompanied by a steady clicking. When he looked to his left, he jumped back in surprise. A huge eagle, taller than a man, walked toward them out of a narrow alley. The feathers of its head and neck were bright white, and its round yellow eyes were keen and fierce. ¡°Dynamo¡ª¡± Dynamo snorted. ¡°Relax. It¡¯s just Andy.¡± Once the creature was out of the shadow of the buildings, Jake could see that it wasn¡¯t an eagle at all: it had an eagle¡¯s head, neck, breast, and wings, as well as its sharp talons, but its hindquarters were those of a horse. Mounted on the monster¡¯s back was a girl in shining steel plate armor fitted to flatter her slender figure, with a high, broad breastplate and a tight, hourglass-shaped plackart. Jake wondered for a moment how well she could breathe with a sheet of metal wrapped so tightly around her waist, but then reminded himself that magical girls¡¯ outfits never emphasized function over form. Draped across her shoulders was a white cloak clasped with a golden chain. She wore an arming sword at her hip, and on her left arm, she carried a white heater shield emblazoned with a red cross. She wore no helmet, so her long, curly black hair was free to fall about her shoulders. She looked as if she¡¯d stepped out of a painting of Joan of Arc. ¡°Stay, I said!¡± she cried, and Jake realized that the androgynous voice was hers. ¡°Get back, knaves! Varlets! Villains! Back, I say, or you die this instant!¡± She wasn¡¯t shouting at Jake and Dynamo, but at the crowd of reporters. In her right hand, she carried a staff topped with a golden cross. She held it high and cried, ¡°Holy Light!¡± The cross blazed. Everything turned white, as if Jake had stared straight at a flashbulb. His skin tingled, and the undead hand gripping his ankle at last released. He looked down to see the grim token of their zombie attackers bubble away: it turned to liquid and then evaporated, leaving behind nothing but a black stain on the asphalt. ¡°Sorry about that, my liege,¡± the girl said to him with a broad grin, ¡°but I had to make sure you weren¡¯t possessed.¡± ¡°What did you just call me?¡± She rolled her eyes. ¡°It¡¯s my magical girl persona. I call most everyone my liege, except for these vermin.¡± She gestured toward the reporters. ¡°It just sort of slips out.¡± Tapping her chest, she added, ¡°By the power of God, possessed of the spirit of Bradamante, I am Magical Girl Lady Paladin Andalusia.¡± She patted her hippogriff. ¡°And this is Frederick.¡± ¡°Call me Fred,¡± said the hippogriff in a low voice. Andalusia flicked her wrist, and the pole of her staff retracted into the cross. She pressed it against her chest, where it stayed. Reaching behind herself, she rummaged in a saddlebag and pulled out a two-way radio. ¡°Andalusia to Marionette, over.¡± A voice poured from the radio, too quiet for Jake to make out the words. Andalusia listened and nodded. ¡°Cancel the patrol, my liege. I¡¯ve got them right here. Yes, they just arrived at Detox Station Delta, and yes, they look all right, considering. The boy looks battered enough to be a zombie himself, but I think he¡¯ll clean up all right.¡± Again, the voice came from the radio. ¡°I¡¯ll tell her.¡± Andalusia lowered the radio and said, ¡°Pretty Dynamo, Magical Girl Grease Pencil Marionette orders me to inform you that she greatly desires your butt.¡± Dynamo crossed her arms. ¡°Tell her she¡¯s not my type.¡± At those words, cameras flashed and reporters hastily scribbled in their notepads. Dynamo growled under her breath. The voice burst from the radio again. ¡°What?¡± said Andalusia. ¡°Hold on ¡­ she asks me to inform you that her exact words are, ¡®Tell her that her butt is mine.¡¯¡± Dynamo snorted. ¡°Yeah? You tell her, if she wants a piece of me, she can come get some.¡± Andalusia nodded. ¡°Marionette, my liege? Pretty Dynamo states that, now that she is aware of your desire for her butt, you may have a piece.¡± More garbled speech. Andalusia lowered the radio. ¡°She says you¡¯re not her type¡ª¡± ¡°Oh, for cryin¡¯ out loud, Andy! Gimme that radio!¡± Dynamo marched forward with a hand extended, but Frederick reared, and Andalusia held up her shield. ¡°Ah, sorry, my liege, but I can¡¯t let you touch anything until you¡¯ve been through detox. I can tell by the look of you, you have made contact with the unholy swarms of the undead.¡± Dynamo tugged her pigtails with her grimy hands. ¡°Fine. Let¡¯s get it over with.¡± Andalusia turned to Jake. ¡°My liege, did the unnatural and unholy ones profane you in any way?¡± ¡°No,¡± said Jake. ¡°Mostly just grunts and snarls.¡± Dynamo sighed. ¡°Jake, she means, did they touch you?¡± ¡°Oh. Well, one grabbed my ankle, and one kinda bled on my neck.¡± Andalusia nodded. ¡°Head to the tent, toward the right side, please. They¡¯ll clean you up. I warn you, they¡¯ll burn your clothes, and any possessions you carry are forfeit. The chemical bath is going to leave you with a rash, and you¡¯ll have to wear a monitor for a few days.¡± Jake shrugged. ¡°Sounds great.¡± ¡°And you, Dynamo, what¡¯s your heat tolerance?¡± ¡°Pretty high. Go ahead and torch me. Tesla, you better go with Jake.¡± Andalusia waved a hand toward the tent. Three men in hazmat suits walked over, and the reporters, apparently afraid to touch them, made a wide berth. One carried an odd contraption, apparently some sort of gun, with a long barrel surrounded by a ventilated barrel shroud. The weapon had no buttstock and no magazine, but had a foot-tall canister standing on its back end and a smaller canister on one side. If you discover this tale on Amazon, be aware that it has been stolen. Please report the violation. One of the suited men pointed at Jake and then pointed toward the tent. Jake glanced at Dynamo. She merely nodded, so he head in the direction the man pointed. As he walked away with Tesla trailing after, he heard a hiss and a roar behind him. When he looked back over his shoulder, he saw Pretty Dynamo standing with arms stretched out, engulfed in a raging fire spewing from the strange weapon. ¡°Holy¡ª¡± ¡°She¡¯ll be fine,¡± said Tesla. ¡°It¡¯s the quickest and surest way to destroy a zombie¡¯s potentially infectious secretions. You and I, however, are in for more of an ordeal.¡±
Having no doubt been built in haste, the detox center afforded little privacy. With only a flimsy, wind-whipped curtain to hide him, Jake had to strip off his clothes and throw everything onto a smoldering burn pile. Then he had to stand with arms out as the two men in hazmat suits scrubbed him down with some foul-smelling green substance that irritated his nose and stung his skin. They let him stand for a few minutes, naked, cold, and slimy, before they scrubbed him again with soap and poured freezing water over him. Tesla got a similar, if slightly more delicate treatment. Once it was over, they let Jake slip into a jumpsuit of thick, cloth-like paper and a pair of flimsy slippers. A man in a lab coat strapped onto his right wrist a device that looked like a digital watch. ¡°Don¡¯t tamper with it or an alarm will sound. Don¡¯t try to take it off yourself. In three days, come to an official center. If you¡¯re not infected, we¡¯ll remove it.¡± ¡°And if I am infected?¡± ¡°Your girlfriend will kill you.¡± He slapped Jake¡¯s shoulder for emphasis. Jake thought about telling him that Pretty Dynamo wasn¡¯t his girlfriend, but was too tired to bother, so he simply nodded. Shuddering from the chill, he sat on a bench under the tent where a volunteer handed him a water bottle, a cup of bitter coffee, and a bagel. He took them gratefully. Then the reporters swarmed again. As they shoved microphones and cameras into his face, he drank his coffee, picked at his bagel, and did his best to ignore them. He answered no questions, in the hope that they¡¯d get bored. Soon after, Pretty Dynamo, surrounded by the strong stench of diesel fuel, roughly shoved a couple of reporters aside and sat beside him. The camera flashes and shouted questions redoubled. Someone handed her a juice box. Together, they drank in silence as if the reporters weren¡¯t there. Jake fed Tesla chunks of his bagel. ¡°Pretty Dynamo,¡± a woman shouted, holding up a press badge as if it were a talisman, ¡°where were you the last two days?¡± Finally, Dynamo growled, ¡°Fighting monsters. Where were you? Cowering under the kitchen table?¡± More flashes, more scribbling. ¡°Pretty Dynamo,¡± said a man, ¡°why didn¡¯t you destroy the robot dinosaurs? Why did the Temple have to resort to the Weapon? Is it possible that your much-touted power is, in fact, overrated?¡± ¡°Pretty Dynamo,¡± said another woman, ¡°some say you¡¯re losing your edge. Is your new boyfriend to blame?¡± Dynamo slurped the last few drops from her juice box and then crumpled it in a fist. Her jaw and the muscles of her shoulder tightened, so Jake laid a hand on her arm. At that gesture, the cameras clicked with even greater ferocity. ¡°Don¡¯t,¡± Jake said quietly. ¡°It¡¯s not worth it. These jackasses want attention. Just ignore them, and they¡¯ll go away.¡± ¡°Barfing Boy,¡± said another man who thrust his mike directly under Jake¡¯s nose and blocked his attempt to take another sip, ¡°is it true that you¡¯re distracting Pretty Dynamo from her duties? Have you considered the possibility that your behavior has led, albeit indirectly, to the deaths of hundreds if not thousands of people?¡± Jake put his cup down on the bench, slowly rose to his feet, shoved the microphone aside, and said, ¡°Pretty Dynamo has been working like heck for two days, all to save your life, all of your lives, you miserable, princess-less little excuse for a human being. Now leave her alone!¡± He gave the reporter a hard shove. More cameras flashed. ¡°Out! Out, vultures! Lickspittles! Vipers! Out!¡± Andalusia, now without her shield, leapt into the tent, grabbed two reporters by the backs of their coats, and yanked them out onto the street, where they fell to the ground. Pens and notebooks clattered against the asphalt. ¡°I am in charge of this detox station by authority of the High Priestess, and until the Temple sounds the all clear, my word is law! I allow you to be here on one condition: you do not hassle the patients, and you most especially do not hassle my fellow magical girls!¡± ¡°That¡¯s two conditions!¡± cried a reporter at Andalusia¡¯s elbow. In reply, she drew her sword. Immediately, the pressmen scattered. With a contemptuous smirk, she slid the sword back into its place. ¡°Fie. Sorry, my lieges, but those sorts make my blood boil. We magical girls have a saying: newsmen are good for just one thing¡ª¡± ¡°Monster food,¡± said Dynamo. She and Andalusia bumped fists and laughed. A chill ran down Jake¡¯s spine. ¡°My liege,¡± Andalusia said to him, ¡°there is a public shelter near here. That¡¯s where you¡¯re spending the night. It¡¯s dirty, it¡¯s crowded, it stinks, the air circulation system is broken, and I suspect bedbugs¡ªbut it¡¯s safe.¡± ¡°Sounds fantastic.¡± ¡°That¡¯s the spirit.¡± ¡°What about Dynamo?¡± ¡°She¡¯s had her juice box. Now she¡¯s back to work.¡± ¡°C¡¯mon, she needs a rest¡ª¡± Dynamo held up a hand. ¡°No, Andalusia¡¯s right.¡± Andalusia shook her head. ¡°They caught us at a time when we¡¯re short on exorcists. In fact, we¡¯re short on magical girls all around¡ªthose Robosaurs hit us hard. I¡¯d love to head back into the fray myself, but the detox stations need exorcists or they¡¯re sitting ducks for demoniacs, and if we don¡¯t funnel people through detox, we¡¯ll just get more zombies. Last thing we want is an infected making it into a shelter.¡± ¡°We saw a demoniac back in Little India,¡± said Jake. ¡°Way ahead of you, my liege. Grease Pencil Marionette already sent Rifle Maiden and Voodoo Queen Natasha in there. They¡¯ll have the whole district cleaned out by tomorrow noon, I¡¯d wager. Natasha is more than a match for any demon, and Rifle Maiden loves a good zombie attack. She calls it ¡®target practice.¡¯¡± Jake nodded. ¡°I can imagine that.¡± ¡°Ah, you¡¯ve met her? I¡¯m surprised she didn¡¯t snatch you from Dynamo. She has quite the reputation as a man-killer. Figuratively, I mean.¡± ¡°She tried. And Dynamo and I are just friends.¡± Dynamo gave him a sidelong glare. ¡°Acquaintances.¡± Andalusia clucked her tongue. ¡°Of course. I should know better than to believe what I read in the papers. Vultures! They¡¯re liars and talebearers, too.¡± She swept a hand through her thick hair before she added, ¡°Pretty Dynamo, Marionette wants you to meet up with my counterpart in Little Europe. I suggest you do so without protest; it takes a lot to rile up the robot, but she¡¯s absolutely livid.¡± Dynamo twisted up her mouth. ¡°Yeah, I¡¯ll do it. Zombies are no problem, but I can¡¯t fight a demoniac.¡± ¡°It¡¯s good to know your limits.¡± ¡°I¡¯m gonna take some time to get there, though. I¡¯m ground-bound.¡± ¡°Really? Sorry to hear that. But I can help.¡± She sucked in her lower lip and whistled. Frederick, who had been lounging on the pavement a moment before, rose to his feet and trotted over. ¡°Andy?¡± ¡°Pretty Dynamo needs a ride to Little Europe, Fred.¡± Frederick snuffled and dug his hooked beak into the feathers under one wing. ¡°Ah, wonderful. Perhaps we¡¯ll get some bratwurst while we¡¯re there.¡± ¡°No dawdling. Make contact with Nunchuk Nun and then come right back.¡± ¡°As you wish.¡± He lowered his belly to the ground. ¡°Climb on, young Dynamo.¡± Andalusia clapped Dynamo on the shoulder and gave her a wink. ¡°It¡¯s handy having a familiar who¡¯s big enough to ride.¡± Dynamo pointed up at Tesla, who had settled in her hair again. ¡°I prefer the compact kind. But thanks for the lift.¡± ¡°Any time.¡± Dynamo stuck a boot in a stirrup and easily swung herself onto Frederick¡¯s back. Andalusia made the sign of the Moon Princess. ¡°God go with you.¡± ¡°Sure.¡± Dynamo gave Frederick a kick. He squawked, turned about, and galloped down the street. After spreading his wings, he flapped hard and soon lifted above the towering buildings. He wheeled out of sight. Jake put his hands to his lower back and tried to stretch. ¡°That nasty shelter of yours, when are you making me go there?¡± ¡°Nightfall. I¡¯m not letting very many people out at once, or the station would get too crowded, and they¡¯d be harder to guard. But as a favor to Pretty Dynamo, I¡¯ll let you stay out until dark.¡± ¡°Thanks.¡± ¡°You¡¯re going to have a bad night, but that jumpsuit you¡¯re wearing is disposable, so you won¡¯t have to take the bedbugs home. We should have this mopped up by tomorrow evening.¡± ¡°I think I heard this morning that you were supposed to have it mopped up today.¡± ¡°Whoever said that didn¡¯t account for the demoniacs. If it makes you feel better, my liege, I¡¯ll be up all night while you¡¯re trying to sleep.¡± ¡°You got the energy for that?¡± ¡°We¡¯ve a good supply of juice boxes here.¡± ¡°I hope you don¡¯t mind my saying, but you seem very ¡­ well, very together, for a magical girl.¡± She turned from him and laughed quietly. ¡°I¡¯m glad you think so. Not every magical girl¡¯s persona is crazy.¡± ¡°Persona?¡± ¡°Indeed. Perhaps you¡¯ve not had the chance to observe it, my liege, but transformation usually changes a girl¡¯s personality. Sometimes it¡¯s subtle, sometimes more dramatic.¡± Jake thought for a moment about Dana curled up on the floor of the convenience store. ¡°I¡¯ve seen it, but Dynamo says she¡¯s the same person as ¡­ well, the same as her alter ego.¡± ¡°Does she? I suppose there are different theories.¡± She walked to him and put a hand on his shoulder. ¡°Let me ask you a question: how close are you to Pretty Dynamo? How close, really?¡± He chewed the inside of his cheek. ¡°I don¡¯t actually know. Frenemies?¡± She chuckled. ¡°All right, now let me give you a friendly piece of advice. You can decide for yourself if it¡¯s advice you need. Don¡¯t ever fall in love with a magical girl.¡± He didn¡¯t answer her, but chewed his cheek again instead. ¡°You said you met Rifle Maiden, yes?¡± ¡°Yes.¡± ¡°And you say she, ah, made passes at you, yes?¡± ¡°Well, yeah¡ª¡± ¡°This might bruise your ego, but Rifle Maiden does that to all the boys. It¡¯s part of her persona. It so happens that I know her alter ego, and she¡¯s nothing like that. Not in the least. But when she turns eighteen, Rifle Maiden will disappear. Only the real girl, by then a woman, will remain. To fall in love with a magical girl is to fall in love with a dream. We are fantasies, fancies.¡± ¡°You look real to me.¡± ¡°I am a little girl playing dress-up. That is all any magical girl really is.¡± She stepped back from him and rested a hand on the hilt of her sword. ¡°I don¡¯t know Pretty Dynamo¡¯s alter ego. Perhaps no one does. But I imagine she¡¯s nothing like Dynamo. I also suspect she¡¯s younger than she lets on: she seems awfully small in person.¡± ¡°She¡¯s pretty young, yeah.¡± ¡°And how old are you? Sixteen? Seventeen?¡± ¡°Fourteen, actually.¡± ¡°Big for your age?¡± ¡°A little.¡± ¡°Hm.¡± She tapped her fingers on the sword¡¯s pommel. ¡°You might want to be a bit more reticent. You just told me that you know who she really is.¡± His cheeks warmed. ¡°Don¡¯t fret about it, but be careful. Nobody can tell who a magical girl is by looking at her face; that¡¯s part of the magic. But people can put things together if you drop too many hints. Keep your wits about you and use caution.¡± ¡°Since you guys are celebrities, what¡¯s the point of the secrecy?¡± ¡°We know not whom we fight, my liege, but we suspect some of our enemies have ears.¡± She inclined her head toward the men of the press, who clustered together in a group and scowled in their direction. ¡°Besides, the Moon Princess encouraged it.¡± After giving him a hearty pat, she returned to directing the volunteers and workers at the detox station. Jake leaned against the tail of the downed Apatosaurus and watched the thin ribbon of sky overhead turn from dark blue to purple and finally to black.
Matilda burst from her chambers and, with her long robes dragging behind her, ran down the hall to the Throne Room of Darkness where the Dark Queen languished on her obsidian throne, now with a cold pack on her forehead and a glass of Bromo in her hand. ¡°Your Darkness,¡± Matilda cried. ¡°Your Darkness!¡± ¡°This had better be some very bad news, Matilda,¡± the Dark Queen grumbled. ¡°It is news most vile! Downright putrescent!¡± The Dark Queen sat up and pulled the cold pack from her head, obvious interest on her face. ¡°Yes?¡± ¡°I¡¯ve got him!¡± Matilda held out a miniature holographic projector. Into the air, it fired a golden beam that separated and then reformed into a rectangle containing a televised image of Pretty Dynamo and her mysterious paramour speaking to a girl in armor, the hated Lady Paladin Andalusia. At the bottom of the image were the words, ¡°Pretty Dynamo and Barfing Boy Arrive at Detox Station Delta.¡± The Queen raised one eyebrow. ¡°You know where that is?¡± ¡°Oh yes, Your Darkness. Their news channels have faithfully broadcast the locations of the detox stations. They do it every half hour!¡± The Dark Queen laughed. After swallowing her medicine in a single gulp, she leapt from her throne and pointed one razor-sharp fingernail at a huge, hulking troll with broad battle-axes hanging from his back. ¡°You there! Go! Find this youth on whom my hated enemy has set her heart! Maim him! Disfigure him! Make Pretty Dynamo scream in horror when she sees him! But do not kill him, for it is she who must feel the pain of his torture!¡± She followed this up with a loud, hearty laugh. Thanks to the Bromo-Seltzer, the laugh ended in an equally loud and hearty belch. The Dark Queen clapped a hand over her mouth. ¡°Excuse me,¡± she muttered as her face turned red. Interlude: Meet Your Magical Girls! CODENAME: Magical Girl Space Princess Pizza Margherita ALTER EGO: Margherita Della Mozzarella FAMILIAR: Pepper the dalmatian puppy CURRENT AGE: 20 THREAT LEVEL COMPETENCY: 7.9 MAGITECH: Culinary ¡°Evildoers beware, for I toss the dough of justice, and justice is never half-baked!¡± In an age when humanity faced the prospect of extinction at the hands of man-eating vegetables, comfort food came to the rescue. Member of the fabled Mozzarella crime family and a direct descendent of Benito Mozzarella himself, Margherita can make you a pizza you can¡¯t refuse. While working as a waitress at a pizzeria, she fed a stick of pepperoni to a starving puppy, only to find that the dog was actually a visitor from Planet Italia, who rewarded her for her good deed by anointing her princess and granting her the Power of Pizza. Armed with a Vorpal Pizza Slicer, Pizza Margherita could fire boiling tomato sauce from her hands, hurl razor-sharp pepperoni slices like shuriken, fire gooey cheese whips, and toss dough without ripping it. Flying over the city on her Pie in the Sky, she was ever vigilant against the forces of evil. It was no doubt fated that King Tosser, the caesar of the nefarious Salad Soldiers, would become Pizza Margherita¡¯s nemesis. After his latest act of wanton destruction, Margherita could often be seen standing in the smoking ruins, shaking her fist at the sky, and crying, ¡°Ooh, that Tosser!¡± Her most famous (and destructive) battle occurred in Anno Principis 238, when a giant, tentacled bell pepper attacked city hall. Bravely standing her ground even after several other magical girls had fled the scene, Pizza Margherita shouted, ¡°You can¡¯t fight city hall!¡± and leapt into the fray. She successfully sliced and diced the killer capsicum, but not before the nasty nightshade had exacted its due: the final count of those dead or missing was three hundred and twelve. During the funeral that followed, the High Priestess of the Temple of the Moon Princess famously and poignantly intoned, ¡°Ask not for whom the bell pepper tolls. It tolls for thee.¡± Margherita at last confronted her final boss on the eve of her eighteenth birthday. Their battle stretched across thirty stories of a downtown highrise and ended on the stroke of midnight when she landed the fatal blow with her Vorpal Slicer. When it was over, that Tosser lay dead, and Margherita was a mere mortal: like all eighteen-year-old girls, she had lost her powers. She thus ended her career with a respectable competency rating of 7.9, Tosser¡¯s official threat level as determined by the city¡¯s Threat Assessment Board. Margherita publicly revealed her secret identity shortly after her retirement. Though no longer in service, she remains active in the magical girl community and has often been seen braving even the fiercest battle zones to replenish the girls¡¯ needed supply of juice boxes. She currently runs her own pizza parlor. In spite of her years of service to the city, some now regard Margherita as a nuisance on account of her political campaigns. Her attempt to instate Vegetable Awareness Month and Pizza Appreciation Day met widespread derision, as did her anti-vegetable ¡°Toss Dough not Salad¡± billboards. After she petitioned the City Fathers for a restraining order that would require salad to remain at least a hundred yards from pizza at all times, she was banned from attending any further City Council meetings. CODENAME: Magical Girl Grease Pencil Marionette ALTER EGO: N/A FAMILIAR: Takumi the hologram CURRENT AGE: 16 (simulated) THREAT LEVEL COMPETENCY: 5.1 MAGITECH: Artistic ¡°A girl robot infused with hopes and dreams and the power of imagination!¡± Magical Girl Grease Pencil Marionette is a fully functional magical girl simulation system. She is the creation of a genius scientist who dreamt of a day when an army of robots might protect the city from monsters and thus leave its young girls to live their lives in peace. Alas, he died upon activating her, so she is the first, and most likely the last, of her kind. Whereas most magical girls must only serve until their eighteenth birthdays, Marionette does not age. She has fought for the city for over two hundred years now. Before the Ascension, she was even a personal friend and confidant of the Moon Princess, who often referred to her as ¡°my pet.¡± Although the magical girls are officially under the command of the High Priestess, Grease Pencil Marionette, as the oldest active magical girl, has become their de facto field commander. She is almost solely responsible for the communication network that makes the girls so effective at repelling the constant threats to humanity¡¯s continued existence. She encourages the girls to support one another, and she practices what she preaches: rumor has it that she has recently formed a close bond with Magical Girl Card Collector Kasumi, and their relationship has been the subject of much speculation in the press. But Marionette does not relate so well to girls who step out of line: in recent days, she has butted heads with the mysterious Magical Girl Pretty Dynamo, who has garnered a reputation (and much popularity) as a maverick who plays by her own rules. Marionette¡¯s magic is the power of imagination. Anything she can imagine, she can draw, and anything she draws with her magical grease pencil becomes real. She often uses her power to create for herself weapons or vehicles, though she cannot create anything that fires projectiles, as such projectiles inevitably revert to mere grease. However, her pencil is unbreakable and can punch through any substance, since she can simply imagine what it touches becoming fragile. Because of her lack of ranged weapons, Marionette is most effective as a melee fighter. Do not let her modest competency rating of 5.1 fool you: threat assessments are for individual monsters only, but Marionette has effectively battled multiple enemies simultaneously. Not only is she extremely deadly at close range, but Marionette also has significantly greater stamina than an ordinary magical girl. Equipped with a fusion reactor in her chest, she can operate for long periods on only a little water and does not, like other girls, require juice boxes to replenish her magical energy. As a simulated magical girl, Marionette has no true contract. Instead, she has a simulated familiar, Takumi, an independent AI program. Takumi is sub-sapient, but contains a complete set of Marionette¡¯s ethics algorithms and data on previous engagements, so he is able to advise her both morally and tactically. In order to give her the ability to use magic like a real girl, Marionette¡¯s creator had to program her with desires and dreams she can never fulfill. Marionette would like most of all to settle down and dedicate her life to her art, but duty constantly calls her back to the fray. However, the Moon Princess told her that there was a slight chance¡ªvery slight¡ªthat if she served faithfully throughout her long and weary existence, Grease Pencil Marionette might one day acquire that which she desires most of all: a human soul. CODENAME: Magical Girl Rifle Maiden ALTER EGO: Unknown FAMILIAR: Bossy the Holstein CURRENT AGE: 15 THREAT LEVEL COMPETENCY: 6.4 MAGITECH: Gunnery ¡°Magical Girl Rifle Maiden atcher service.¡± Not much is known about Rifle Maiden. Armed with a rifle and a pair of revolvers, she can fire explosive bolts or stun blasts, and apparently never runs out of ammunition. However, her energy consumption is quite high, as she has difficulty sustaining power in prolonged combat without a steady supply of juice boxes. Rifle Maiden is most effective when she teams up with other girls; fortunately, a sunny and straightforward personality enables her to befriend her fellow magical girls easily. In recent days, many have observed her working closely with Voodoo Queen Natasha. Although Rifle Maiden has the same supernatural physical abilities as most magical girls¡ªshe leaps effortlessly over small buildings¡ªshe is less effective in close quarters than at a distance, as she apparently possesses few if any pugilistic skills. She has a deadly aim with her rifle over a long range (she has struck down human-sized enemies at three hundred yards), and with her paired revolvers can cut down large numbers of swarming monsters. Those who have observed her using her pistols often say she ¡°sounds like a machine gun.¡± Because her spells are integrated into her weapons, she has no need to call her attacks and is therefore able to fire as rapidly as her superhuman strength and speed enable her to pull the triggers. Rifle Maiden is extremely effective against small or medium-sized enemies and against monsters that swarm or hunt in packs. Her skills are especially useful for exterminating zombie infestations, which she describes as ¡°like ducks in a barrel,¡± though nobody knows what that means. Her current competency rating is a modest 6.4, where it is likely to remain, as her weapons have proven ineffective against large kaiju, which a magical girl must defeat if she hopes to raise her rating into the higher digits. Rifle Maiden¡¯s admirers, of course, are quick to point out that the threat level system treats all combat as if it takes place between an individual magical girl and an individual monster, a scenario that rarely plays out in real life. Certainly, Rifle Maiden has proven indispensable in a support role by harrying large monsters while other magical girls with more destructive spells administer the coup de grace. Rifle Maiden has acquired a significant fan following. Typically, her fans point to her unusually laconic speech and unusually practical garb as her chief merits. Her uniform eschews frills, poufs, and miniskirts. Unlike most magical girls, she also refrains from announcing her presence, preferring a ¡°lurk and kill¡± strategy that is certainly effective, but which her detractors have derided as both unsportsmanlike and decidedly un-magical-girl. When asked about her practice of slaying monsters unannounced, Rifle Maiden says simply, ¡°I perfer doin¡¯ the killin¡¯ first an¡¯ the jawin¡¯ later.¡± Asked if she would consider developing a short speech to introduce herself, such as most magical girls have, she has replied, ¡°I¡¯m mighty handy with a gun, if¡¯n I may say so, but I ain¡¯t so handy with that there fancy priestess talk.¡± Since magical girls serve as role models to the city¡¯s youth, it has become customary for the public schools to invite them to assemblies, usually to talk about hygiene. Magical Girl Rifle Maiden made all the city papers last year when she stood up in front of the gathered students of Kashikoi Elementary, tossed aside the speech someone else had written for her, and said: ¡°Now, I want all y¡¯all to start usin¡¯ this here newfangled thing they call soap. If¡¯n y¡¯all been out ridin¡¯ the range for weeks on end, an¡¯ y¡¯all head on into town for some comp¡¯ny of the softer variety, if¡¯n ya know what I¡¯m sayin¡¯, them ladies ain¡¯t gonna look atchew twice if¡¯n you got a stank what could choke a hound dog off a month-old carcass. So y¡¯all jest take some o¡¯ this here soap like so, an ya rub it on yer nethers with a bit o¡¯ water like such, an¡¯ it¡¯ll make you smell mighty fine.¡± Rifle Maiden ain¡¯t ¡­ er, I mean hasn¡¯t been invited to another school assembly since. You could be reading stolen content. Head to the original site for the genuine story. CODENAME: Magical Girl Tuneless Ramona ALTER EGO: Ramona Kawasaki FAMILIAR: None CURRENT AGE: 12 THREAT LEVEL COMPETENCY: ¡Þ MAGITECH: Musical ¡°With the power of incredible songs that would make me a world-famous pop diva if only someone would recognize my talent!¡± There are only two things that can frighten a citizen of mankind¡¯s final city. One is a monster attack. The second is Magical Girl Tuneless Ramona. Ramona Kawasaki is an unusual magical girl: she has no familiar and no contract. One night, she went out with her friends and sang karaoke. Her singing was so horrific, she spontaneously generated a powerful field of negative musical energy that transformed her into Tuneless Ramona. She has never transformed back. Tuneless Ramona maintains no secret identity, since, as she explains, that would make it impossible for talent agents to scout her. Her song-and-dance numbers are the most powerful and deadly magic ever recorded; depending on duration and intensity, their effects can range from severe migraine headaches to paralysis to death. And they are as effective on the innocent bystander as on the monsters that so frequently invade our home. Nonetheless, Ramona has one victory by which she has obtained the highest competency rating on record, a rating unlikely to be surpassed. Frequent are the attacks on our city by vampires, trolls, kaiju, extraterrestrials, primordial creatures thought extinct, and, of course, demons from hell. Our various magical girls are well equipped to deal decisively with these threats. But there are horrors against which even our girls are powerless: the writhing, mad, multidimensional abominations from beyond the walls of space-time, the great monstrosities¡ªsome larger than galaxies and some immaterial¡ªthat have turned their baleful eyes on our insignificant planet for reasons we know not. Whenever these creatures break through into three-space, even the magical girls must suffer. It seemed the end had come when the eldritch abomination Cuss-Lulu, who in our dimension manifests as a giant octopus with a potty mouth, dropped into the middle of downtown. His huge tentacles crushed skyscrapers and his ten thousand tongues uttered swear words no human can pronounce. Even to attempt to write his words phonetically is folly, for the results always look curiously like @#$% or even 3@#$%! Suffice to say, such vulgarity can drive men mad. This was even worse than saying ¡°butt¡± in public, and you can only do that in serious essays like this one. Heh heh. ¡°Butt.¡± Grease Pencil Marionette acted quickly. Realizing that it is necessary to fight ugly sound with ugly sound, she did the unimaginable. She sent in Tuneless Ramona. Remarkably, a few witnesses of the battle have actually survived with their minds largely intact. One woman states that she saw Ramona moonwalk backwards down the street toward the towering monster. The monster uttered one of its superhuman obscenities, and Ramona replied by spinning around and grabbing her own crotch. At that point, the witness blacked out and didn¡¯t recover until the battle was over. An unfortunate man, who was unable to speak coherently for many weeks after the incident, had a much closer view. He stated to the police that Ramona performed a few brief ditties while snapping her fingers, and that Cuss-Lulu replied by cussing her out. Then, to his horror, both the girl and the monster started scatting. That¡¯s when, in his words, ¡°things got freaky.¡± The magical girl and the monster engaged in what can only be described as a two-person battle of the bands. Cuss-Lulu performed rap numbers for which there are no names in any human language, and Tuneless Ramona performed what she regards as her greatest hits, including ¡°Shake Your Platform Booties,¡± ¡°Grinding (My Coffee) All Night Long,¡± and ¡°I Kissed a Girl.¡± According to our witness, ¡°The last thing I saw, Ramona was up on her stage, and she leaned back in a chair while water poured into her face. That¡¯s when my eyeballs exploded.¡± A final count of the people who died in this, the worst of the city¡¯s many monster attacks, is still unavailable as of this writing. CODENAME: Magical Girl Sword Seamstress ALTER EGO: [redacted] FAMILIAR: Stitches the Ragdoll cat CURRENT AGE: 13 THREAT LEVEL COMPETENCY: 8.3 MAGITECH: Sewing-based ¡°A stitch in time stops crime!¡± The haughty yet superbly fashionable Sword Seamstress is one of the most admired and effective magical girls in all of Urbanopolis. Some maintain that she is second only to Pretty Dynamo herself. She slays monsters by the dozens. More importantly, she does it with class. Ambidextrous, armed with a pair of magical Knitting Rapiers, and impeccable in her manners, dress, and skill, Magical Girl Sword Seamstress can slaughter her enemies without even pausing in her knitting. Not only is she an expert fencer, but, equipped as she is with multiple balls of yarn and an enviable sewing kit, she can create new weapons out of whole cloth ¡­ literally. Her collapsible, magically enhanced swords ride on her garter belts. Once she draws them, she can cut through any substance, yet she can also, inexplicably, knit with them without cutting her yarn. In less that a second, she can churn out such terrible weapons as the Cat¡¯s Cradle, the Strangulation Scarf, and the dreaded Unholy Christmas Sweater Attack. From her sewing kit, she can cast such deadly attacks as the Needlepoint Barrage, a hail of sewing needles. Besides this, because her swords are actually closer to Tunisian crochet hooks than knitting needles properly speaking, she can hook them end to end and swing them around in a deadly arc, much like Chinese hook swords. In recent days, Sword Seamstress has courted controversy via her much-publicized conflict with Magical Girl Pretty Dynamo. Asked the reason for this animosity, Sword Seamstress has merely said, ¡°Oh my Princess, are you, like, kidding me? Just look at her.¡± For her part, when asked about the conflict, Pretty Dynamo has merely replied, ¡°I zappin¡¯ hate that chick.¡± NAME: Jake Blatowski CURRENT AGE: 14 THREAT LEVEL COMPETENCY: N/A MAGITECH: None ¡°I can¡¯t stand magical girls.¡± Living in the relatively peaceful Juban District on the edge of Urbanopolis, Jake Blatowski has spent his life at a distance from the city¡¯s perpetual monster attacks. Having never needed magical girls to defend him, he is annoyed by others¡¯ obsession with them. Convinced of his own maturity, Jake is eager to try out for the basketball team when he enters his first year of high school, but after a computer glitch erases part of his transcript, the school system in its wisdom sends him back¡ªto fifth grade! Soon after, he has a run-in with Magical Girl Pretty Dynamo, the city¡¯s top defender, and quickly finds himself defying death in her company. Although he¡¯d previously only seen monsters from a distance, he soon learns that he has an uncanny knack for escaping their attacks by the skin of his teeth. He¡¯ll need it: soon after he makes Dynamo¡¯s acquaintance, the enemies who formerly struck the city at random begin to focus on him. What at first appears to be inexplicably bad luck will lead this ordinary teenager to unravel the mystery of the implacable foes bent on humanity¡¯s destruction; he may even discover that he¡¯s the key to bringing down an intergalactic coalition of evil. And much as he¡¯d love to escape the by-turns brooding and boisterous Pretty Dynamo, he might find that he¡¯s stuck with her¡ªespecially after she moves into his house! CODENAME: Magical Girl Pretty Dynamo ALTER EGO: Unknown FAMILIAR: Tesla the lightning bug CURRENT AGE: Unknown THREAT LEVEL COMPETENCY: 9.0 MAGITECH: Electrical ¡°Electrifying the world with love and friendship¡ªand making evildoers feel the wattage of justice!¡± At present, there is no magical girl in Urbanopolis more effective against large kaiju than Magical Girl Pretty Dynamo. With a striking face and the powers of electricity at her command, she certainly lives up to her name. Dynamo received her magic when her familiar Tesla called on three gods of thunder ¡­ but the gods exacted a terrible price. Magical girl observers inform us that Pretty Dynamo presently has three known items: the first, and most famous, is her Circuit Board, a flying snowboard that enables her to zoom around the city at lightning speeds. Second is her wand, which transforms into two weapons, a crossbow called the Thunder Bolt, which fires supercharged bolts, and the Lightning Rod, an electrified spear which she can use in hand-to-hand combat or hurl like a javelin. Third is the Surge Protector, a collapsible shield hidden in her left vambrace. But she is deadly even without her items, as she can electrify any part of her body and even concentrate her energy into her hands to produce her Ball Lightning, a superheated sphere of plasma. Pretty Dynamo¡¯s most famous move is an aerial assault, in which she flies high into the air, dives straight down, and throws the Lightning Rod. The Rod¡¯s intense electrical charge produces a sheath of plasma that greatly increases its terminal velocity, raising its impact energy to 72 kJ. It is thanks to this maneuver that she has acquired an impressive competency rating of 9.0. However, Pretty Dynamo is generally less effective against mid-sized or multiple enemies. Her Thunder Bolt is too specialized to be a general-purpose ranged weapon, and her Ball Lightning has limited power and a limited effective range of about thirty yards. Nonetheless, she is an excellent melee fighter against small monsters, even very quick ones. Pretty Dynamo is known not only for her combat skills and aerial stunts, but also for her sharp tongue and brassy attitude. This has gained her many admirers among the civilians, but has not made her popular among the magical girls. Grease Pencil Marionette has many times remarked on Pretty Dynamo¡¯s insubordination and ¡°attitude problem.¡± Although almost all magical girls maintain secret identities, Pretty Dynamo is more reticent about personal details than most. When a monster attacks, she usually appears, slays, and immediately leaves, letting others deal with the aftermath. She has given occasional interviews, made personal appearances, and posed for photographs, but refuses to speak about herself. Those who have met her usually remark that she, and I quote, ¡°looks really small in person.¡± This has led to much speculation about her age, but because of her impressive skill, most assume that she is at least in her mid-teens. In recent days, Pretty Dynamo has been spotted in the company of a young man, probably also in his mid-teens. Currently, his identity and relationship to Dynamo are unknown. This, of course, has led to further wild speculation. Dynamo does not appear to have any friends, but is it possible that she has found herself ¡­ a sidekick? Chapter 14: The Third Test Magical Girl Lady Paladin Andalusia stared up at the sky. When the stars began to sparkle, she turned to Jake with a wan smile and said, ¡°Much as I would prefer company, I must send you to bed. This night, I stand the long watch alone.¡± Jake nodded and rubbed his arms. The air was chilly. ¡°I admit I¡¯m not looking forward to the shelter you¡¯ve described, and I doubt I¡¯ll sleep anyway¡ª¡± ¡°It¡¯s a favor to Pretty Dynamo. If I lost you, I¡¯d be sure to hear about it.¡± ¡°She¡¯s less attached to me than you think.¡± ¡°Perhaps she¡¯s more attached to you than you think.¡± ¡°No, I have a pretty good idea of what¡¯s going on in her head¡ª¡± ¡°Ha! So spoke no man truly, ever. I¡¯m afraid that understanding a girl is quite beyond your ability.¡± Jake chuckled quietly and again rubbed his arms. ¡°How would you know? How old are you?¡± She walked up beside him and leaned against the tail of the downed Apatosaurus. ¡°Part of me is young, part old. I have the spirit of Bradamante, knight of Charlemagne, living within me. She was a grown woman when she died, and she has aged since then.¡± She touched a hand to the golden cross on her breast. Its embedded jewels glittered under the starlight. ¡°The love she felt for the Saracen Ruggiero burns within me like a torch. Millennia have passed, yet her love remains unquenched. The weary world will wear away to nothing, and still that love will burn.¡± ¡°It will outlast the world?¡± ¡°Of course.¡± ¡°What about the universe? They say even the Moon Princess can¡¯t outlast that.¡± ¡°Who knows? Perhaps, when the universe dies, love alone will remain.¡± Jake stared up at the stars. Down the street, the soldiers were still out, their rifles dangling over their chests. There was a faint orange glow as one of them lit a cigarette. ¡°Does that bother you,¡± Jake asked, ¡°to have¡ª?¡± ¡°Hopeless desires living within me? Every girl has them, Jake. That is why girls, and only girls, can wield magic. Boys are natural doers, but girls are natural dreamers. Boys are too pragmatic for the power we possess.¡± She elbowed him in the shoulder. ¡°Besides, I may be yet a child, but I too know love, even if I have not plumbed the depths of its secrets as Bradamante has.¡± She held up her left arm, clenched her fist, and shouted, ¡°Shield of Faith!¡± Her vambrace split open, and the white heater shield, marked with a red cross, unfolded to cover her forearm. She walked out into the street. ¡°On the inside of this shield,¡± she said, ¡°like the knights of old, I have placed the image of my beloved. In battle, I gaze upon that image to find my strength so that I might not faint under the blows of my enemies. Would you care to see, my liege?¡± A lump formed in Jake¡¯s throat. Slowly, as if entering a sacred shrine, he stepped toward her. He wasn¡¯t sure this was any of his business, but curiosity gripped him. He moved around to stand at her shoulder. In the dim starlight, he gazed upon the image inside her shield. He thought, given her religious theme, it might be a picture of Jesus Christ or of some Christian saint. Instead, he saw a lacquered photograph of five young men in baggy, hooded sweatshirts. After pondering them for a moment, he said, ¡°Isn¡¯t that some band¡ª?¡± ¡°The Backdoor Boys. Oh my Princess, they are sooo hot. Donnie is definitely my favorite. He has, like, the world¡¯s cutest butt.¡± ¡°Um¡ª¡± She lowered the shield. ¡°In any case, the hour is late. To bed with you. You¡¯re a growing boy.¡± ¡°You¡¯re a growing girl.¡± ¡°That is true, but irrelevant. Good night, my liege, and think not on me: I am missing Frederick, I admit, but Bradamante is with me always. And there are even soldiers here to keep me company.¡± She waved toward the group of soldiers up the street, and two of them walked over. ¡°Escort the young man to the shelter,¡± she said. The soldiers nodded and flanked Jake. He walked with them toward the side of a building where a concrete stairwell led into the earth. Accompanied by a deafening peal of thunder, something in the middle of the street flashed white like a strobe. Jake winced and covered his eyes. For a moment, he couldn¡¯t see, but a loud, animalistic snuffle let him know a monster was close. ¡°Hold, vermin!¡± Andalusia shouted. ¡°You will find no prey here!¡± A low, sardonic chuckle followed. One of the soldiers grabbed Jake roughly by the arm and hauled him toward the stairwell. With a roar like a freight train, a wall of blue fire shot up from the street, cutting off their path. Jake stumbled back and landed hard on the asphalt. Unable to reach cover, both soldiers fell to their bellies, put their rifles to their shoulders, and fired. Jake flattened against the road behind them and clapped his hands over his ears. Layered gunfire erupted from several windows. The clatter of M4s and the staccato bursts of M249s made his teeth rattle. Over the din, he heard Andalusia screaming into her radio, ¡°Hold your fire! This isn¡¯t a zombie or a robot! Fall back! Fall back, darn it!¡± A great swirl of blue flames, like a fiery tornado, spun out of the center of the road. Jake barrel-rolled toward the detox station as both of the soldiers in front of him caught fire. They writhed like landed fish while their flesh sizzled. Accompanying their screams was a steady pop-pop like firecrackers as their ammunition cooked off. There were other screams coming from the open windows up and down the street. The blue flames died out as quickly as they had appeared, leaving behind blackened lumps of tar where the men had been. Unable to catch his breath, panting so hard that he was close to passing out, Jake sat up. His eyes took a moment to become accustomed to the darkness again, but when they did, he saw an enormous, vaguely humanoid shape, at least ten feet tall and almost as broad, towering over Lady Paladin Andalusia. The great gray monster uttered a deep laugh, and his broad middle jiggled. ¡°Foolish mortals,¡± he said. ¡°You never learn. You dare come against me with mere guns?¡± Andalusia again raised her radio to her mouth. She looked calm, but her voice wavered. ¡°Hold all fire. It¡¯s immune to conventional weapons. If you shoot, it can lock its magic onto your position.¡± In the monster¡¯s meaty hands was some elongated, pale green object with a blunt, silvery tip. Jake¡¯s heart leapt into his throat. It has a bomb? ¡°Magical Girl Lady Paladin Andalusia,¡± said the monster, ¡°or so I estimate.¡± Andalusia pulled the golden cross from her chest. ¡°Aaron¡¯s Rod!¡± The cross expanded into a staff. One-handed, she twirled the staff over her head. The huge troll rubbed the thick fingers of one hand over his copious potbelly. ¡°Your hope of success in this battle is less than one percent, paladin, for I am Chai Square, the tea-drinking statistical troll! I have studied your prior engagements.¡± He unscrewed the silver tip from the huge green shell he held, and now Jake could see that the silver tip was a cup. The troll tipped the shell over so liquid poured into it. ¡°I¡¯m so calm about this fight, I think I¡¯ll have me some tea right now.¡± He slurped noisily. ¡°You dare ignore me?¡± Andalusia cried. ¡°Fire from Heaven!¡± As if someone up above had dumped out an enormous bucket of hot coals, a great stream of red, flaming ash poured from the sky. Chai Square, with his cup still to his mouth, merely leapt out of the way and landed heavily against a glass storefront, which shattered under his weight. He swallowed with a great gulp, making a sound like a plunger being jammed into a toilet, and lowered his cup. ¡°Ah, that was good. You see, paladin, I knew you¡¯d do that. Or rather, I knew you probably would. In fact, I know more about you than you know about yourself.¡± ¡°Are you a mind-reader?¡± ¡°You might think I am if you choose to fight me. Now step aside. My quarrel is not with you tonight.¡± ¡°I think it is.¡± The troll laughed. ¡°You? No, I don¡¯t care about you. I want that boy.¡± He pointed a meaty finger at Jake. From that finger, a fresh stream of blue fire erupted. Andalusia quickly jumped in front of him and raised her shield. The fire struck it and dissipated. Jake gasped. ¡°Me?¡± Andalusia tossed her head. ¡°Ha! I wouldn¡¯t be much of a magical girl, nor much of a paladin, if I abandoned a friend to the likes of you, Chai Square!¡± ¡°Oh?¡± Chunks of stucco pattered against the sidewalk as Chai Square pushed off from the building. ¡°I¡¯m not the least surprised. In that case, a quick mental calculation leads me to the conclusion that you shall die this night.¡± ¡°Shall I?¡± ¡°Probably. In fact, the probability is¡ª¡± ¡°I do not care about the odds, monster, and I have no fear of death!¡± With a snort, the troll hauled a huge battle-axe from his back. ¡°You don¡¯t understand what you¡¯re dealing with, paladin. I am a master of statistics, and with statistics, I can predict all your moves.¡± ¡°Statistics? You intend to fight me with statistics?¡± ¡°But of course.¡± He hefted the axe. ¡°Don¡¯t underestimate me. I warn you, paladin, Chai Square is not an average monster, but he is a mean one!¡± ¡°Well, he¡¯s ugly, at least.¡± Andalusia glanced at the troll¡¯s hulking body. ¡°Is it significant that you are one-tailed?¡± ¡°Of course. It gives me more power.¡± ¡°And as big as you are, I think you must enjoy pi.¡± ¡°Indeed, I enjoy it most frequently.¡± ¡°You mean ¡­ ¨¤ la mode?¡± ¡°Precisely. Now prepare yourself, for I¡¯m about to give your bones some Jenks Natural Breaks!¡± ¡°I¡¯m afraid I¡¯m not familiar with that one.¡± The troll snuffled as he twirled his axe. ¡°It¡¯s a method of dividing data into discrete clusters. Developed by a cartographer, actually¡ªwhich is most fitting, as I¡¯m going to distribute what¡¯s left of you all over the map!¡± He swung the axe overhand in a wide arc, but Andalusia backflipped out of the way. Once she regained her feet, she spun her staff over her head and said, ¡°Ha! Bet you didn¡¯t predict that!¡± ¡°It was within one standard deviation from the expected value.¡± ¡°Don¡¯t your statistics get boring?¡± ¡°They have their moments.¡± ¡°I¡¯m about to reject you like a null hypothesis!¡± ¡°You better leave the jokes to the expert.¡± With a snarl, he swung again. Instead of dodging, she raised her left arm. The axe struck her shield with a resounding clang, like the ringing of a church bell. A shower of sparks fell to the street. ¡°I am clad in the Armor of God, troll, and it shall prove too much for your weapons! Helmet of Salvation!¡± From the back of her neck, a close helm with a bellows visor unfolded and enclosed her face. On its top appeared a gaudy horsetail plume, dyed pink. ¡°My calculations have taken your armor and weapons into account, paladin.¡± ¡°Calculate this!¡± ¡°I knew you¡¯d say that.¡± The troll fell flat on the ground and rolled out of the way just as Andalusia pointed her staff and shouted, ¡°Pillars of the Earth!¡± Jake felt a low rumble under his feet, as if someone in the sewer had cranked up an impressive stereo system. The asphalt in front of Andalusia split apart to form a narrow chasm, which stretched to the place where Chai Square had been standing a moment before. Surprisingly lithe in spite of his bulk, Chai Square sprang to his feet and poured another cup of tea. ¡°You see, I have studied you. I know how you operate, and I can calculate the likelihood of your various actions.¡± He gulped from his cup and sighed. ¡°Bayes¡¯ Theorem. It¡¯s a beautiful thing. Of course, because it¡¯s so beautiful, people tend to abuse it¡ª¡± Andalusia swung her staff back and forth. ¡°You think you know my every move ahead of time? You¡¯ll find I¡¯m full¡ª¡± ¡°Of surprises. Yes, I know. You don¡¯t understand what you¡¯re up against, paladin. You imagine that you¡¯re fighting a determinist, don¡¯t you? You suppose that by doing something I haven¡¯t predicted you can strike a blow for free will. No. I work in probabilities. You have a finite set of spells, and you¡¯ve learned a finite set of moves. I know how often you use them. More importantly, I know in what situations you use them. Can you do something unusual? Of course. But I¡¯ve figured that possibility into my calculations.¡± ¡°I¡¯m not as predictable as you imagine.¡± ¡°You¡¯re more predictable than you realize, and it¡¯s about to cost you. Only a madman acts at random.¡± This book is hosted on another platform. Read the official version and support the author''s work. ¡°Then I shall¡ª¡± ¡°Imitate a madman. Yes, I thought you¡¯d try that. It¡¯s harder than you think.¡± His bulk jiggling, he leapt into the air and cracked the pavement when he landed to her left. He swung the axe in another powerful overhand swing, and she again backflipped out of the way. ¡°You did that move before,¡± Chai Square said, ¡°which increased the probability that you¡¯d do it again if I made a similar attack. It is, you might say, lodged in your short-term muscle memory. And, of course, I add each new motion to my dataset. The more you move, the more predictable you get. In fact, right about now, you should¡ª¡± Adalusia passed her staff into her left hand and pulled the arming sword from her hip. ¡°Sword of Saint Peter!¡± ¡°¡ªdraw your sword. Yes, thank you. That¡¯s what I expected.¡± The gleaming blade flashed in the starlight as Andalusia swung. A red flicker, like a tongue of fire, appeared on the blade¡¯s tip and launched toward Chai Square. Dropping to one knee, he set down his bottle of tea and pulled a second axe from his back. With a snarl, he crossed the axes in front of his face. The flame dissipated when it struck them. Andalusia followed up the magical strike with a flying leap. Diving down toward him, she raised her shoulder and turned her wrist to bring the cross-guard of the sword up beside her cheek. She aimed the tip of her blade for the top of Chai Square¡¯s head, but he parried the blow, and Andalusia flipped over backwards as she rebounded. ¡°Saint Elmo¡¯s Fire!¡± The tip of her staff blazed green and left circular afterimages in Jake¡¯s eyes as she somersaulted through the air. Once her feet were again on the ground, she ran forward and closed with Chai Square. Expertly guiding it with her wrist, she slashed viciously with the sword, at the same time blocking the heavy blows of his axes with her shield. Because the shield was built into her armor, she had her left hand free to wield her fiery staff, which she thrust like a spear wherever she found an opening. For a moment, Jake forgot to be afraid for her life as he admired the elegance and speed with which she handled her three separate items. ¡°Predictable!¡± Chai Square roared. ¡°You¡¯re just too predictable!¡± With seemingly little effort, he fluidly moved the bits of his axes to turn aside each of her blows. Although his movements were quick, he appeared unhurried and untired. After a few minutes, however, Andalusia stumbled. She recovered, but her weariness was apparent even though Jake couldn¡¯t see her face. Finally, an axe struck her left pauldron. It was only a glancing blow, but she staggered, momentarily lowering her shield. She recovered only just in time to block another ringing crash from an axe blade. A chill ran down Jake¡¯s spine, and sweat broke out on his forehead. She¡¯s going to lose. His eyes slid down to the container of tea, which still stood on the cracked asphalt beside Chai Square¡¯s feet. As Andalusia tried to flank him, she drew near it, so he carefully slid it out of the way with the edge of one foot. Ah ha. Jake¡¯s eyes scanned the ground until they alighted on a brick, still flecked with mortar, lying in a pile of dust and debris. He ran to it, picked it up, and hefted it in his hand. Let¡¯s see if he predicted this. He sprinted toward the fight. Chai Square¡¯e enormous, black eyes landed on him, and a frown passed over the troll¡¯s face, perhaps a hint of confusion. A grin spread Jake¡¯s lips. He chucked the brick. His aim was true: it turned end over end as it sailed through the air until it clanked against the tea bottle, knocking it onto its side. The bottle rolled toward the gutter, leaving a dark stain behind as the tea splashed out. At once, Chai Square roared and flailed. He took a step back from Andalusia. ¡°No! No! Not my tea! My teeeaaaa!¡± ¡°You¡¯re wide open!¡± Andalusia jumped and slid her blade into the troll¡¯s soft belly, driving its point up under his ribs. His deep roar turned into a high-pitched squeal. She twisted the blade and pulled it free. Blue-green blood, thick as ink, poured out and mixed with the tea on the ground. Chai Square collapsed to his knees, dropped one axe, and slapped his heavy fingers over the wound. Still the blood poured. ¡°Augh,¡± he groaned. ¡°I didn¡¯t calculate for interference.¡± He slumped. ¡°And that was my best mix, too ¡­ genuine second-flush Darjeeling ¡­ urgh ¡­ the last one had too much black pepper, but this time ¡­ hah ¡­ the cinnamon and cardamom ¡­ complemented each other ¡­ perfectly ¡­¡± His face contorted in pain. The helmet unfolded from Andalusia¡¯s head, and the shield collapsed into her forearm. She took great, gulping breaths as she leaned heavily on her staff. ¡°That¡¯s what you get, Chai Square. Only sissies and hipsters drink flavored tea.¡± ¡°You¡¯re wrong, paladin,¡± Chai Square moaned as blood coated his hand. ¡°You¡¯re ¡­ urgh ¡­ thinking of coffee ¡­ flavored tea is okay ¡­¡± ¡°Do you ever drink matcha?¡± ¡°Oh, yes ¡­ hagh ¡­ I love matcha. Very soothing.¡± ¡°I think so, too. They say the Moon Princess was an impeccable hostess of the tea ceremony.¡± ¡°I imagine ¡­ guhhh ¡­ she was ¡­¡± With a final groan and a loud whump, Chai Square tumbled onto his back. Andalusia nodded, took a deep breath, and glanced toward Jake. ¡°A worthy foe, one sure to raise my competency rating. I only wish I could have slain him before he took so many lives. Thank you for your help, my liege.¡± Jake swallowed, breathed heavily, and clutched his knees. ¡°No problem.¡± ¡°Are you winded?¡± ¡°Just ¡­ just not used to all this monster-fighting.¡± ¡°Adrenaline rush. You¡¯ll grow accustomed to it.¡± ¡°I don¡¯t plan to make this a habit.¡± She chuckled. ¡°That¡¯s good.¡± Her armor tinkled like silver bells as she rotated her shoulders. ¡°One task left.¡± Spinning her sword in her hand, she walked toward the troll¡¯s head. Something was wrong. A voice in the back of Jake¡¯s mind said, Wait. No. He frowned. The troll was down, and no other monsters were visible ¡­ Like a video, the scene of Pretty Dynamo striking down the kaiju played in his mind. Once her Lightning Rod had flown down its throat, its body had disintegrated. For the last few days, they¡¯d been fighting Robosaurs and zombies, which were different, but this kind of monster¡ª ¡°Wait!¡± he shouted. ¡°Andalusia! He¡¯s not¡ª!¡± She turned her head toward him. ¡°What?¡± The troll¡¯s right arm lifted and rammed the toe of an axe blade into Andalusia¡¯s chest. With a screech, her armor rent. The strike was powerful enough to lift her into the air, and for a second, she dangled on the blade like a garment on a hook. ¡°Predictable,¡± Chai Square wheezed. ¡°So predictable ¡­¡± Then, at last, his body crumbled. Pieces fell away in chunks like a child¡¯s sandcastle tumbling into the waves. Andalusia staggered backwards, her hands to her chest. Jake ran to her and caught her as she fell. He released a strangled grunt as he lowered her to the ground; with her armor, she was heavy. She had a hole an inch wide and three inches long through her breastplate. Bright red blood welled out. Blood also flecked her face. She smiled. ¡°They¡¯re right,¡± she whispered. ¡°Chest wounds do suck.¡± She giggled faintly. Jake tried to clamp his hands down onto the wound, but her armor was in the way, and the metal, curled inward, dug into her flesh. She winced. Her blood, hot and sticky, continued pouring out from under his palms. ¡°I can¡¯t stop it!¡± he said. ¡°Take the armor off! Transform!¡± She shook her head. ¡°My alter ego is dead already. No, my liege, it is too late.¡± ¡°No! Look, I can¡ª¡± She weakly raised one gauntleted hand and clumsily stroked his hair. He could feel her smearing blood on his face. ¡°Do not weep for me, my liege. Weep for the cosmos, for the galaxy, for the Earth, but not for me. Bradamante shall return to high heaven, and I shall go to the Moon Princess. I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race.¡± Her hand fell to his shoulder and then slid down his arm. She plucked at his sleeve. ¡°Will you hear my confession?¡± ¡°What? Me? But ¡­ I¡¯m not a Christian.¡± ¡°Please? It¡¯s important to me.¡± Tears welled from his eyes. He nodded. ¡°I have fought from vainglory instead of humble faith,¡± she said. Her voice grew fainter, and he could see blood in her mouth. ¡°I cheated on a math test once. I gossiped about Brandy.¡± She giggled again and then fell into a fit of coughing. Her fingers found his hand and squeezed it tight. Once her coughing subsided, she continued, her voice hoarse, ¡°In battle, I was lazy. And cowardly¡ª¡± ¡°No you weren¡¯t! You just¡ª¡± She made a sound like that of a mother shushing a baby, and she smiled. Her teeth looked very white under the blood streaking them. She lifted her eyes toward the stars shining coldly overhead. ¡°I had impure thoughts about Pretty Dynamo¡¯s boyfriend,¡± she whispered. Oh, sweet Princess, what? Darn it, darn it, darn it¡ª Her voice grew fainter. ¡°And tell Nunchuk Nun I¡¯m sorry. We won¡¯t ¡­ be having ¡­ those parfaits.¡± A line of blood, so dark it was almost black, trickled down her cheek. In his grasp, her hand went slack. He pressed his face against the asphalt beside her and burst into tears. His voice choking, he recited what he could remember of the prayer for the dead in Aramaic, over and over again. Then he lost the words entirely and merely babbled. Tears kept pouring, and his nose ran. When he heard the flapping of great wings, he looked up to see a dark shape blotting out the stars as it passed overhead. A moment later, Frederick the hippogriff landed lightly before him and folded his wings. His hooves clopping against the asphalt and his regal face impassive, he stepped to Jake¡¯s side. ¡°She is dead, then.¡± It was not a question, and Jake couldn¡¯t read the hippogriff¡¯s deep voice. Jake swallowed hard. The tears were already drying on his face and forming crusts of salt. He gasped, ¡°She died ¡­ protecting ¡­¡± ¡°She did her duty.¡± Tucking his mismatched legs under himself, he lay down beside her. ¡°Inform the robot. She knows Andalusia¡¯s true name. Now, pick her up and place her on my back. I will take her away.¡± ¡°What? But¡ª¡± ¡°Do you not know, boy? In man¡¯s twilight, has man forgotten all the old stories? Perhaps it is inevitable; the death of a nation, or a world, follows the death of its myths. Load Lady Andalusia onto my back: I will carry her to the Terrestrial Paradise, where once I carried Astolpho. From thence, Elijah¡¯s chariot shall lift her into heaven. In the palace of the Moon Princess shall she lie in state until the stars fail and darkness covers all. At that time, she shall have her burial, as shall all things, for the universe is a tomb.¡± Jake dropped to his knees beside Andalusia and cradled her in his arms. Gasping from the strain, he arose and gently laid her down across Frederick¡¯s saddle, her feet above his tail and her head at the base of his neck. Some of her blood dripped upon Frederick and stained his white feathers pink. Jake crossed her arms over her chest. Then he took up her sword and placed it in her hands. He drew his fingers down over her eyelids. Frederick spread his wings and beat them against the air. He rose slowly and steadily until he was above the highest skyscrapers. Uttering a high, mournful cry, he circled once and disappeared from sight. Jake dropped heavily to the pavement and buried his face in his blood-streaked hands. She died because of me. Lady Paladin Andalusia is dead because of me!
Seated on her dark throne, the Dark Queen gazed into her crystal ball. Once Chai Square¡¯s soul passed from his body, the ball went dark. Quietly, the Queen leaned her chin on her hand and ruminated. Chirops appeared at her elbow and rubbed his little claws together. ¡°That was costly,¡± the Dark Queen said. ¡°Chai Square was one of our best.¡± ¡°But a magical girl is dead as well,¡± Chirops replied. ¡°True.¡± A grin formed on the Queen¡¯s mouth. She flicked her forked tongue like a snake. ¡°And a shelter is defenseless.¡± Chirops nodded eagerly. ¡°Another monster¡ª¡± ¡°No, little minion. Not one of ours. Let us take advantage of the city¡¯s self-inflicted wound.¡± She reached down and scratched Chirops between the ears. One of his legs twitched. ¡°This is a job for a demoniac. See to it.¡± Chirops swallowed hard. ¡°Me? But, Your Darkness¡ª¡± Her hand clenched in his fur, and he gasped. ¡°Yes, little minion. You.¡± Chapter 15: A New Prima Donna Chirops trembled as he slipped out of the stream. In a flash of dissipating magical energy, he entered Urbanopolis. The jagged rubble gouged his feet, and the cool air made his fur stand on end. It had been many ages since he¡¯d been here. All things considered, not much had changed. The demoniac wasn¡¯t hard to find. Near a collapsed building, he stood, perfectly balanced on the tips of his toes, on the top of a broken wall that now leaned at a forty-five degree angle. Blood and dust streaked his cheap suit. He gazed at the full moon, his back to Chirops. But soon after the bat appeared, the demoniac, with the sound of popping vertebrae, twisted his head around backwards. His mouth spread into an impossibly wide grin, revealing sixty or seventy sharp, crooked teeth. He flexed long, bony fingers, which at their tips had six-inch, razor-sharp claws. Chirops winced and covered his face with a wing. ¡°Oh! Oh, don¡¯t do that! It¡¯s just too creepy!¡± The demoniac¡¯s lower jaw separated from his upper, and his mouth grew into a black, gaping pit. From that pit poured a voice deep as thunder, yet with an underlying tinniness, as if it came from cheap speakers. He boomed, ¡°Your mother chucks rocks in hell!¡± ¡°My mother ¡­ what?¡± With a series of cracks and pops, the demoniac bent backwards into a crabwalk and lifted his pelvis high into the air, his head still turned around wrong. Lightning-quick, he crawled like a spider down the pile of rubble and seized Chirops by the throat. ¡°Little winged rat,¡± he hissed as he lifted Chirops into the air, ¡°why don¡¯t you die?¡± Chirops weakly clawed at the hand gripping him. ¡°No!¡± he gasped. ¡°Don¡¯t! We¡¯re on the same side!¡± ¡°Side?¡± The demoniac licked his lips with a pointed, blood-red tongue. ¡°What makes you think I have a side, little rat?¡± Chirops¡¯s vision turned gray. He kicked his legs. ¡°I ¡­ I serve ¡­ I serve Lord Shadow!¡± The demoniac¡¯s grip loosened. He wagged his head back and forth. His yellow eyes bulged. ¡°Lord Shadow? Yes ¡­ yes, that is one of his names.¡± He dropped Chirops to the ground and, with further sickening cracks, raised himself up onto his feet. Instead of twisting his head around the right way, he merely bent his knees backwards and yanked his shoulders around. His long tongue dangled from between his fangs. Panting, the bat sat up and rubbed his throat. The demoniac cocked his head. ¡°Aren¡¯t you going to get upset that I said your mother¡¯s in hell?¡± ¡°Well, of course she is, the old bat!¡± The demoniac snorted. ¡°I will spare you for now. The time has not yet come for the greater servants to devour the lesser.¡± He stepped away and again gazed at the moon. ¡°You are no Master. You are a slave. Who rules you, rat?¡± ¡°I serve the Dark Queen herself,¡± Chirops said as he rose shakily to his feet. ¡°She is mistress of all who¡ª¡± The demoniac cut him off with a loud laugh like the giggle of a little girl amplified and warped into something perverse. He pranced in the street. ¡°The Dark Queen? The Dark Queen? So it is her turn, is it?¡± ¡°She commands you to come with me to assault a human shelter¡ª¡± ¡°Fool! The shelters are warded! Does your Queen know nothing of the city¡¯s defenses? I am imprisoned: I cannot cross the ley lines that intersect here, and neither can you. Now you are trapped with me, and the two of us together shall await a human wench who will talk of friendship and purity and other disgusting things¡ªand bring our death!¡± Chirops sucked air until he was able to stop panting. ¡°I can cross the ley lines.¡± The demoniac stopped dancing. He paused, balanced on the pointed toes of one foot with his other leg high in the air. He turned his head up to the moon again. ¡°Can it be?¡± ¡°All the servants of the Dark Queen are free of the Curses of Ebal.¡± ¡°You lie!¡± ¡°I swear by Lord Shadow.¡± The demoniac was silent for a long minute. Then he chuckled quietly. ¡°Well, well ¡­ perhaps the Queen is more formidable than we had supposed. Even my Lord Astaroth thought her of no account.¡± Chirops raked his claws through his fur as he rose to his feet. ¡°Lord Shadow entrusted her with this. He has faith in her.¡± ¡°Lord Shadow has faith in no one, little rat. He has only tools, which he uses and then breaks. Do you not know? The universe is a tomb: once the stars fail and darkness covers all, Lord Shadow will sit enthroned over the sepulcher of the dead cosmos. But he will sit alone.¡± ¡°You¡¯re wrong. He will reward his loyal soldiers.¡± ¡°Comfort yourself with such lies. The greater servants have no need of them.¡± The demoniac licked his lips again and rubbed his hands together. After half a minute, Chirops extended a wing and drew a claw down his bicep, raising dark red beads of blood. ¡°I can anoint you, and as long as the mark remains, you can pass through the city¡¯s defenses.¡± Dipping his claw in the blood, Chirops drew a circle on the demoniac¡¯s forehead. Inside the circle, he drew a five-pointed star. ¡°What are you to the Dark Queen, rat?¡± the demoniac murmured. ¡®A lover, perhaps?¡± Chirops laughed. ¡°I am much, much more than that, demon. I am her familiar.¡± The demoniac nodded. ¡°I suspected as much. I will admit to you, your mother¡¯s not actually in hell.¡± ¡°Oh?¡± ¡°She was there for a while, certainly, but she got out quite quickly.¡± Chirops blinked. ¡°You mean, like a bat out of¡ª?¡± ¡°Don¡¯t say it,¡± the demoniac hissed, his eyes glinting dangerously. ¡°Don¡¯t say it or I really will kill you.¡±
The shelter was as bad as Andalusia had described it. Since she was dead and there was no longer an exorcist in the area, the military had taken over and put the shelter on lockdown. Men in fatigues, armed with FN P90s and F2000s, flanked the heavy steel doors that led to the surface, as well as the smaller doors that led into the mole tunnels. The shelter contained little besides a series of narrow bunk beds and a shelf of MREs, which was also under guard. The toilet was a ¡°squatter,¡± that is, a porcelain-lined hole with no seat, ostensibly designed for better hygiene. No partition separated it from the rest of the room, so anyone using it was in full view. There were narrow air vents, but the fans in them were still. The lights weren¡¯t working, but electric torches hung from the ceiling and the thick support pillars. Children cried. Old people muttered and groaned. Young men swore and laughed. The room stank of stale body odor and urine. Forget zombie infection, thought Jake as he wedged himself behind a pilaster in a corner near the door and slid down the wall into a crouch. I¡¯m more likely to get TB in here. Someone coughed on a bed nearby. Jake stared at an unidentifiable stain on the concrete floor and thoughtlessly fiddled with the monitor on his wrist. It was pointless to ask to the guards to let him back out. He was stuck until this was over. He wondered what Pretty Dynamo was doing. Probably having herself some goulash in Little Europe. His stomach growled. It was pointless to ask for an MRE, too. The soldiers would distribute those on a schedule, no exceptions for latecomers. He touched his face briefly and found that his cheeks were wet with tears. Andalusia¡¯s blood still coated his hands. He could feel his fingers buzzing. The scabs over the scrapes and cuts on his wrists and arms were crumbling, revealing new, pink skin underneath. Her blood was magical, after all. It was accelerating his healing time, though it hadn¡¯t been enough to save her. A formless shadow of guilt rose up and hung over him like a brooding vulture. He pushed it back, but barely. He could wallow in it later, when this was over. She¡¯s dead because of me¡ª Somewhere in the room, the radio crackled and uttered its updates: ¡°Demoniac found in New Chad ¡­ exorcism completed ¡­ New Beijing declared clear ¡­ Juban declared clear ¡­ explosions in Little Europe near New Berlin ¡­ Dhulikhel declared clear ¡­ fighting hot in Massenya ¡­¡± Juban clear. That was good. Juban was always on the outskirts of things. He wondered what Little Europe¡¯s explosions meant. They could mean Dynamo was fighting. They could mean Dynamo was dead. His stomach clenched, and the shadow reared again. The tears ran faster down his cheeks. He didn¡¯t know why, but he knew that, if Dynamo died, he¡¯d blame himself. The coughing came from the nearest bed again. The air was rank. I¡¯m gonna get sick with something in here, even if it¡¯s not TB¡ª ¡°Charles?¡± It was an elderly woman¡¯s voice. ¡°Charles, what¡¯s wrong?¡± The woman was in her seventies, kindly-looking and plump. She had a full head of white, curly hair. She sat on a bunk with one hand on the back of an old man with heavy jowls. He leaned over, clutched his stomach, and coughed and hacked into his hand. ¡°Charles?¡± the woman said, her voice now tinged with panic. ¡°Charles?¡± Jake¡¯s heartbeat quickened. A sense of expectation surrounded him and prickled his skin, as if the air had become ionized. He slowly slid back up the wall until he was standing, and he balled his hands into fists. The man stopped hacking. He leaned toward the woman as if to kiss her. Then he opened his mouth wide and clamped his teeth down on her throat. Her scream echoed off the low ceiling. Then others screamed and shot from their bunks. There were loudly shouted but incoherent orders, and then there were other shouts. People rushed to the far end of the room. A child wailed. A young boy fell, and six people stumbled over him, trampling into the floor. Blood spread out against the concrete¡ª The sick man wrenched his teeth away from his wife¡¯s throat, a chunk of dripping flesh locked in his jaws. She fell from the bunk and tumbled wetly to the floor. She gurgled as her legs and arms twitched like a flopping fish. Wedged as he was into a corner, behind a support pilaster, Jake was out of the way of the stampede. His first impulse was to run to the dying woman and squeeze shut her spurting jugular vein, but he had been through a lot in the last few days. His head knew he couldn¡¯t save her even if his heart didn¡¯t. His head won. He stayed put, away from the shrieking mob, away from the dying. People shoved one another, crushed one another, knocked one another against the steel posts of the bunk beds. The electric torches swung on their wires. Crazy, tortured shadows undulated on the walls in a savage bacchanalia. The stench of blood mingled with the stink of sweat and piss. I¡¯m in hell. I died with Dana back in the convenience store, and the Moon Princess didn¡¯t take me. I¡¯m in hell¡ª The elderly man, blood staining the front of his simple dress shirt, rolled from the bunk and dropped to the ground. His legs collapsed under him and he fell on his face, but he pushed himself up with his hands and opened his blood-rimed mouth in a low snarl. Belatedly, a monitor on the man¡¯s wrist buzzed. The noise was low, steady, and strangely anticlimactic. The man turned and looked straight at Jake. Tucking himself into a corner had saved him from the mob, but it had also trapped him with a zombie. The zombie took a step forward. His thick tongue worked back and forth behind his red-stained teeth. Over the din of screaming and crying, Jake heard a rough voice: ¡°Get the doors open!¡± The soldiers stood against a wall and beat back the panicked mob with the butts of their rifles. But one had enough presence of mind to follow orders, twist the heavy dog of a round mole-tunnel door, and heave it open. It was three feet of solid steel, and it turned cumbersomely on its hinges. From down the tunnel came more grunts and snarls. With a curse, the soldier raised his F2000 to his shoulder and unleashed a volley before he leaned against the door to shut it again. He closed it on a groping human arm, which the heavy door easily crushed into red pulp. Zombies in a tunnel ¡­ and the tunnels connect the shelters ¡­ that means everyone in the next shelter over is dead¡ª A chill ran the length of Jake¡¯s spine. The elderly zombie staggered toward him, arms outstretched. Jake groped with his hands, but met nothing except the rough concrete of the walls. He had no weapon. He had nothing at all. A man in fatigues half-jogged toward him and, in a businesslike manner, pulled a pistol from his belt. He yanked the slide back, yelled, ¡°Cover your ears!¡± and put two bullets in the zombie¡¯s head. Jake slapped his hands to his ears, but they still rang. The soldier turned to the woman still gasping on the floor. He capped her twice, and her head burst open, spraying red goop across the floor. The blood ran in rivulets toward a small, rust-coated drain. Jake¡¯s stomach lurched. She would have been a zombie in a few minutes, of course. He knew that. He understood what the soldier did. But still¡ª The soldier¡¯s eyes met Jake¡¯s for only a moment. In the gloom, Jake didn¡¯t see either his nametag or his rank. The soldier merely pointed toward the big door, the one that led up to the street, and said, ¡°Open that.¡± The tale has been stolen; if detected on Amazon, report the violation. Jake¡¯s eyes slid from the soldier¡¯s face to the round doorway. The men who had flanked it earlier were no longer there. Mechanically, Jake obeyed. He walked to the door and clutched the dog. It was so thick, he could barely wrap his fingers around it. Straining, his biceps aching, he leaned into it. It shrieked in protest, but finally turned. He could hear the heavy bolts sliding in their locks. There was a boom, and he could tell in spite of its weight that the door would turn. He pulled, his lower back screaming, and the door came with him as he walked backwards into the room. The soldier was right behind him. He clapped a hand on Jake¡¯s shoulder and spoke two words. ¡°Get out.¡± Somewhere in the back of his mind, he understood. It was an evacuation order. Most of the shelter¡¯s occupants were killing themselves in mindless fear, but the soldier was saving whomever he could. Jake looked behind. Blood poured in tiny streams toward the floor¡¯s many drains. Men and women scrambled over one another, no longer even aware of what they were reaching for. The old and the young fell under their feet, pressed into the unyielding floor. The soldier gave Jake a hard shove and sent him reeling into the steep stairwell. He paused for only a moment before he put a sleeve over his eyes to quell the tears and half ran, half stumbled up the stairs. His legs throbbed. He limped. Yet the air grew sweeter as he rose: he could breathe again. Leaving the shelter behind, he came out into the rubble-strewn street beneath the stars and took in huge gulps of the fresh, cool nighttime air. In his stomach, guilt burned like fire.
He spent the night staggering through a wasteland. He knew where he was, and he knew which way to go to get home. Getting home was all he could think of. His mouth was sticky. His legs burned. He could only walk very slowly, but he had twenty miles to cover. He kept to the shadows. He occasionally saw people moving in the dark streets. He assumed they were zombies and stayed hidden until they passed. He didn¡¯t see any more Robosaurs except the hulking wrecks that magical girls had already struck down. He saw a lot of auto-turrets standing on towers or peeking from niches in walls. Their barrels silently followed him as he passed, but none of them fired. Afterward, he remembered little of the journey, though he recalled that the walk up the foothills into Juban was an especially exquisite agony. By the time he reached the edge of the district, he had started to hallucinate. He saw Pretty Dynamo dancing in a ballet, floating slowly as if underwater. Her skirt unfolded trembling petals as it transformed into a blue cornflower. As the sun rose and bathed the city in vibrant, orange light, he collapsed onto his own front porch. He was only dimly aware of it when his father leaned over him and pulled the tattered remains of the paper jumpsuit from his body. He picked him up as if he were still a small boy, carried him upstairs, and put him to bed.
He slept most of the day. When he awoke, his mother fed him a bowl of warm broth, and he cried on her shoulder like a little child. Then he slept again. His dreams were vivid but confused, full of grinning beasts and staggering zombies with blood running from their open throats. Andalusia died. Then she died again. Then he died in her place while she watched, her face stoic and blank, as blood welled from his chest. Pretty Dynamo pointed at him and laughed and laughed and laughed. Then she was Dana, and Velociraptors ripped her apart as she screamed. Tesla sat on Jake¡¯s shoulder, wiped his glasses, and explained in the calm voice of an academic that this was necessary, all necessary. And the Moon Princess nodded her regal head and bestowed her blessing while Dana died. Once she was dead, she wasn¡¯t Dana anymore. She was Card Collector Kasumi. Grease Pencil Marionette sat beside her and wept before she stabbed her pencil into Jake¡¯s heart and the blood welled out again. When he awoke for the second time, sweat had soaked through his bedsheets. The light had once more turned orange, for now the sun was going down. He sat up, carefully lowered his feet to the floor, and tried to stand. Pain shot up his left leg. Sucking in his breath, he sank back onto the bed. His ankle was purple and swollen. His mother knocked once and walked in. She sat beside him. Her eyes were red and puffy. ¡°The hospitals are full,¡± she said. ¡°They said not to take anyone there unless it was an absolute emergency. I wanted to take you anyway¡ª¡± Her voice trembled. ¡°I¡¯ll be okay, Mom. I think I should put some ice on this ankle, though.¡± ¡°The power¡¯s back on, but there¡¯s no ice yet.¡± She wrapped her arms around his shoulders, pulled his head down to her breast, and rocked him. He let her. ¡°My baby,¡± she whispered. ¡°My poor, poor baby.¡± He could hear the noise of the television coming faintly from downstairs. ¡°When did they sound the all-clear?¡± he asked. ¡°This morning. About six. Did you hear? They napalmed several shelters downtown. All those people. A lot were dead already, but some must have been alive¡ª¡± ¡°What happened in Little Europe?¡± ¡°I don¡¯t know. They might say on the news. Can you walk?¡± He nodded and, wincing, rose to his feet. He favored his left leg, so his mother held him up as he made his way downstairs to the great room, where he collapsed onto the sofa next to his father. As usual, his father leaned toward the television while its light played against his glasses. Some talking head droned about the extent of the devastation while a montage of images showed damaged buildings, downed Robosaurs, dead bodies lying in the streets. The talking head said, ¡°At present, the number of confirmed dead is seventeen thousand, three hundred and twenty-six ¡­ and counting.¡± ¡°My Princess,¡± Jake whispered. ¡°Yesterday,¡± the talking head continued, ¡°may go down in history as Magical Girl Pretty Dynamo¡¯s greatest failure.¡± Jake¡¯s stomach tightened in a knot. ¡°Apparently too interested in her alleged boyfriend to fight with her usual zeal, she failed to eliminate the Robosaurs before the Temple resorted to the Weapon, and she failed to make a significant impact on the consequent zombie invasion.¡± Interspersed with the montage was an image of Jake sitting next to Pretty Dynamo under the canopy at the detox station. He had his hand on her forearm. Jake pounded his fists against his knees. ¡°But let¡¯s go now to New Beijing where Barbara is on the scene with our city¡¯s newest and most effective magical girl. Barbara?¡± The image changed to one of a woman in a red windbreaker, her blond hair perfectly coiffed, standing in a street. A rowdy, motley mob of people milled around behind her. The woman brought a microphone to her mouth and said, ¡°Thanks, Tom. I¡¯m here now with the true heroine of this latest attack. And no, as you said, it¡¯s not Pretty Dynamo. Meet Urbanopolis¡¯s new rising star: Magical Girl Sukeban Tsubasa, who already has a competency rating of 8.3 from the Threat Assessment Board.¡± Jake started in surprise when his father snorted and then muttered under his breath, ¡°Absurd. No zombie has a threat level that high, and those Robosaurs didn¡¯t, either.¡± The camera panned sideways to show a slim but well-muscled teenage girl, built like a track star, with her lips pulled back in a cocky, lopsided grin, a grin much like Dynamo¡¯s. She raised two fingers in a ¡°V for victory¡± sign¡ªmuch like Dynamo¡¯s. Jake couldn¡¯t see her lower body, but she wore what appeared to be a sports bra made out of white plastic and edged with black lace. On her head was a white bike helmet, under which her pink hair was short, boyish, and spiky. ¡°Hey, yo, yo!¡± she called. ¡°Sukeban Tsubasa, would you mind telling our audience how you cleared New Beijing of zombies and Robosaurs in a mere three hours?¡± ¡°Pfft. Weren¡¯t nothin¡¯. I gave ¡¯em some o¡¯ da boom, some o¡¯ da badda-bing, an¡¯ den bzzzt! Cha-ching! Know what I¡¯m sayin¡¯?¡± Barbara blinked in apparent perplexity, but nodded. ¡°Of ¡­ course. Anyway, I understand you¡¯re wearing a mecha battle suit of extraterrestrial manufacture. Could you describe your arsenal for our viewers?¡± ¡°Chicka-rikka, I got more guns den a Navarone thrift sale. Check it out, yo.¡± Tsubasa raised her right arm and clenched her fist. She wore a fat white bracelet, which with a click expanded into a tube covering her whole forearm. A little trapdoor opened in it, and out of it unfolded a cruciform rack from which hung six red-tipped missiles. Tsubasa flashed her pearly whites. ¡°I call dis da ¡®ka-powie maker.¡¯ You dig?¡± Sweat ran from under Barbara¡¯s perfectly delineated hairline. ¡°That¡¯s very nice ¡­¡± ¡°You like dat? You like dat? Take a look at dis bad boy!¡± She raised her left arm. A second bracelet expanded and released what looked like a security camera mounted on a gimbal. ¡°Meh heh heh. Dis bad boy is da ¡®laza blaza.¡¯¡± With a series of clatters and clicks, the weapons folded back into Tsubasa¡¯s arms. She put her hands behind her head and stretched. ¡°Oh, and speakin¡¯ o¡¯ bad boys, now dat da fat lady is singin¡¯ on da fightin¡¯, I¡¯ma get togedder wit¡¯ some trashy guys, capiche? I tink mebbe we do some really bad stuff. Might share a beer, might smoke a cigarette behind da bushes, might spray-paint rude words on a wall¡ª¡± Barbara put a hand to her breast and staggered backwards. She almost dropped the mike. Immediately, the interview cut to an elderly lady. Around her neck was a string of pearls, which she fiercely clutched in arthritic fingers. Text appeared at the bottom of the screen: ¡°Juanita Vela Zamorano, former Magical Girl Swansong Juanita.¡± ¡°Back in my day,¡± Juanita said in a creaky voice, ¡°magical girls limited their questionable behavior to wanton violence, public nudity, and Saphism. But these modern magical girls are just out of control!¡± Then the program cut to a commercial for toothpaste. While a smiling cartoon character sang happily about the dangers of dental caries, Jake¡¯s father solemnly shook his head. ¡°That Sukeban Tsubasa is a menace!¡± Jake scratched the back of his head, leaned his elbows on his knees, and stayed silent. He¡¯d never known his father to criticize a magical girl. Even more shocking, his father picked up the remote and turned off the television of his own accord. Then he turned to Jake and placed an arm on the back of the couch. He cleared his throat. Jake hung his head. He knew what this posture meant. He and his father were about to have a ¡°man-to-man¡± talk. A feeling of dread settled in his stomach like a stone: the last man-to-man talk had included an hour¡¯s worth of exacting details about the symptoms of several social diseases, and he had no desire to repeat that experience. He started in surprise when he felt his mother¡¯s hands on his shoulders. She stood right behind him. Oh no, it¡¯s not a man-to-man talk. It¡¯s a two-parent pile-on. That¡¯s very, very bad. I must be grounded for a month, at least¡ª ¡°Jake,¡± his mother said in a quavering voice, ¡°we want you to understand something.¡± ¡°Your mother and I have been talking about this,¡± his father added unhelpfully. ¡°We want you to know,¡± his mother continued, voice breaking, ¡°that even though we may not approve of your lifestyle choice, what¡¯s most important to us is that you¡¯re happy.¡± His father shook his head and sighed. ¡°I should have seen this coming, really. I should have seen, but I didn¡¯t want to see. I¡¯ve always known my son was a little, well, you know¡ª¡± Jake blinked. ¡°What in the actual¡ª?¡± ¡°Please understand that you and your partner will always be welcome in this house,¡± said his mother. ¡°Hold on just a minute,¡± said Jake. ¡°Why are you¡ª?¡± ¡°Jake, be honest with your mother.¡± She leaned down and said into his ear, in a low voice, ¡°Are you ¡­ a sidekick?¡± Jake jumped to his feet and then sucked in his breath when his ankle gave him a fresh shock of pain. ¡°Mom, Dad, no. I am absolutely not a sidekick! I¡¯ve never kicked a side in my life, I swear!¡± His mother crossed her arms. ¡°We hoped you were in the shelter at school, but you weren¡¯t, were you? You were out fighting monsters with Pretty Dynamo.¡± ¡°No! Well, okay, yeah, I was. But there were reasons!¡± ¡°Such as?¡± ¡°Well, I mean, she grabbed me and took me with ¡­¡± He trailed off. Oh my Princess. His mother sighed deeply and rubbed her temples. ¡°I¡¯ll fix dinner. I know you slept most of the day, but you should go to bed soon anyway. They¡¯re reopening the schools tomorrow.¡± Chapter 16: Requiem A stairwell led down into the shelter. From the top of that stairwell, a patch of black soot radiated out into the street. As Chirops neared it, his nose twitched. He recoiled at the stench of burnt petrol and charred flesh. A chill ran down his spine at the thought of what must lie in the concrete bunker down beneath, a place of refuge now turned into a charnel house. Across the universe, these magical girls of Earth were infamous for their ruthlessness, a ruthlessness that, thanks to their influence, now characterized humanity as a whole. Urbanopolis, as its innumerable enemies well knew, would do anything to survive. Even kill its own. The universe is a tomb ¡­ The demoniac stood at his shoulder. Chirops didn¡¯t even look as he contorted his body into some new, grotesque mockery of the human form, his joints popping like firecrackers. ¡°We¡¯re too late,¡± Chirops said. The demoniac bent over backwards and stuck his nose against the ground. He inhaled deeply and then spat something green onto the asphalt. ¡°Phaugh, I smell the stench of the dove, one washed in the blood!¡± ¡°Washed in blood?¡± Chirops scratched his head. ¡°That sounds unhygienic¡ª¡± The demoniac snorted as he gave Chirops a venomous sidelong glance. ¡°Your mother scrubs docks in hell,¡± he muttered. ¡°Scrubs docks? You mean she holystones them?¡± The demoniac hissed and drew back as if Chirops had singed him with hot iron. ¡°We call them unholystones where I come from!¡± ¡°Oh ¡­ well, that makes sense.¡± ¡°I mean I smell a Christian, fool.¡± On all fours, he crawled in a circle, snuffling all the while. ¡°They take a ritual bath¡ª¡± ¡°That¡¯s good, isn¡¯t it? They say cleanliness is next to¡ª¡± The demoniac hissed again, and Chirops closed his mouth with a squeak. The demoniac snarled, ¡°She bled here ¡­ our hated enemy ¡­ Andalusia.¡± ¡°Oh, her. Yeah, she¡¯s dead. It was one of the Dark Queen¡¯s trolls¡ª¡± Chirops yelped when the demoniac swiped him across the face with his long claws. ¡°Fool! You denied me my prey! Did you torment her?¡± ¡°We just ¡­ well, we killed her ¡­ gah!¡± The demoniac grabbed him around the throat, lifted him into the air, and shook him. ¡°Idiot! Then you lost her! You should have put her to the fire and demanded she recant, and then I could have devoured her soul for eternity!¡± He threw Chirops to the ground. Stunned, the bat lay panting on the blackened asphalt. ¡°Your mother wears frocks in hell,¡± the demoniac grumbled. He bent down and sniffed again. His expression turned thoughtful as his head, accompanied by a series of gruesome crackling sounds, spun on his neck like a slow-motion top. ¡°Her blood passed to another ¡­ and he stinks like a Jew.¡± ¡°That must be him,¡± Chirops croaked as he rubbed his throat. ¡°Pretty Dynamo¡¯s boyfriend. He was there when Andalusia died.¡± The demoniac nodded, and a stream of saliva ran slowly down his chin. ¡°I want him. I will swallow his soul ¡­ with fava beans in a light¡ª¡± ¡°The Dark Queen wants him alive for now. Magical Girl Pretty Dynamo is our real target.¡± The demoniac narrowed his eyes and crossed his misshapen arms. He pouted. ¡°Tell the Dark Queen that her mother winds clocks in hell.¡± ¡°Do you think you can track him? By smell?¡± The demoniac¡¯s lip curled, revealing yellow, jagged teeth. ¡°I¡¯m not a bloodhound, you ridiculous cretin ¡­ but I will find him. It is only a matter of time.¡±
The shower¡¯s hot water stung his cuts and bruises, but it felt good anyway. After he stepped out, Jake wrapped a towel around his waist, cracked his knuckles, walked to the sink and began his new, favorite morning ritual. About a month earlier, he had begged his parents until they bought him a shaving kit¡ªthe old-fashioned kind of shaving kit, the kind real men used. He began the solemn rites by filling the sink half-full of hot water and dunking his badger-hair brush in it. While that was soaking, he poured hot water into his ceramic scuttle to keep his shaving soap warm. Then he dropped a brand new double-edged blade into his safety razor and screwed it closed. To soften his whiskers, he spread onto his face a thick smear of pre-shave oil scented with citrus and anise, though today he had to be careful to avoid the scabs on his cheek. He knocked water out of his brush on the side of the sink and dabbed it at his cake of hardwood-scented soap. Once he had enough, he whisked the brush around in his scuttle to work up a good lather. He massaged the lather into his face until his cheeks dripped with it. Following that, he took up his razor, lifted his nose, and, with short, precise strokes, carefully removed the down from his upper lip. Once he had accomplished that, he rinsed off the rest of the soap and splashed on some aftershave. Then he splashed on some more. And some more. He splashed it all over. When he was done, he felt like a man again. He¡¯d lost his uniform, so he had to go to school in his street clothes: a pair of cargo pants, a button-up shirt, and a denim jacket. He knew he wouldn¡¯t get in trouble for it; teachers were usually lax about the rules right after a large-scale monster attack. Still, his father insisted he put on a tie. Breakfast was unusually plain. The power had been off for most of a day, so his mother had thrown out the contents of the refrigerator. He made do with toast. Strangely, his father wasn¡¯t watching the news, but instead hunched over a cup of coffee and his own plate of toast at the breakfast bar. Perhaps the news was too depressing. Perhaps they had all seen enough of what it would inevitably be describing. ¡°Sukeban Tsubasa,¡± his father muttered. Jake frowned.
Ralph met him on the way to school. They could walk together for a few blocks before they had to part ways. ¡°You¡¯re alive,¡± Ralph said. ¡°So are you.¡± They slugged each other¡¯s shoulders and strolled together in uncharacteristic silence. They passed a house that a few days ago had been whole, but was now a blackened crater. Part of the road was now nothing but rubble, and orange signs warned vehicles to find another route. A breeze rustled the red-tinged leaves of the oak trees. Ralph tipped his head back and laughed quietly. ¡°How¡¯s high school?¡± Jake asked. ¡°It¡¯s fine. Same peeps. Not much different from middle school, really ¡­ there¡¯s this new guy, though. Total pretty boy. Has girls hanging off him all the time. You should feel lucky that your girlfriend¡¯s still down in eighth grade, or this dude would steal her.¡± ¡°Yeah?¡± ¡°Yeah. He¡¯s real skinny, like he doesn¡¯t eat enough, and he has long hair and big eyes and ¡­ ah, I don¡¯t get it. Why do chicks go for dudes who look like chicks?¡± ¡°Couldn¡¯t tell you.¡± ¡°They¡¯re always on about his long eyelashes. Is that even a thing? Eyelashes?¡± ¡°I think it is, yeah.¡± Ralph shook his head. ¡°Women.¡± ¡°Tell me about it.¡± ¡°You talked to her yet?¡± Jake started. ¡°Who? Dynamo? Well, I mean¡ª¡± Ralph cut him off with another laugh. ¡°Chelsea.¡± ¡°Oh.¡± Jake stuck his hands in his pockets and slouched. ¡°She¡¯s okay, by the way,¡± Ralph said. ¡°I saw her yesterday.¡± ¡°Did you? That¡¯s good¡ª¡± ¡°Jake.¡± Ralph lowered his head and drew an arm across his brow. ¡°You know, you an¡¯ me an¡¯ Chelsea have been friends for a while.¡± ¡°Yeah¡ª¡± ¡°I introduced you to her.¡± ¡°Sure.¡± ¡°I¡¯ve known her since kindergarten. She used to play with my sisters.¡± ¡°I know.¡± ¡°She practically is one of my sisters.¡± ¡°I know, dude.¡± Ralph coughed into his fist and sucked in his lower lip. A lump formed in Jake¡¯s throat. He had an inkling of where this was going. ¡°Jake, if you don¡¯t really like her, you should just¡ª¡± ¡°Ralph, I like her.¡± ¡°When¡¯s the last time you even saw her?¡± ¡°Well, I mean, we¡¯re in different schools now¡ª¡± ¡°So? You knew that was coming anyway.¡± ¡°A lot has happened the last few days.¡± ¡°Sure.¡± They were silent for another minute. The wind picked up, and the trees¡¯ rattling leaves sounded strangely peaceful after the long days of violence. Jake¡¯s ankle throbbed, and he still limped. He had it taped up, but wondered if he should get a crutch. ¡°Ralph, do you think it¡¯s weird? For a high-schooler to date an eighth-grader?¡± ¡°You¡¯re not a high-schooler.¡± ¡°I will be. You know what I mean.¡± His neck was stiff. He tried to rub out one shoulder. ¡°Sheesh, when we started dating, she was twelve. We held hands behind the gym.¡± ¡°She¡¯s not twelve now.¡± ¡°I know that. And her birthday¡¯s ahead of mine, so she¡¯ll be the same age as me for a bit ¡­¡± He slapped a hand to his forehead. ¡°Heck, I should get her something¡ª¡± Ralph sighed. ¡°What kind of stuff do you think she likes?¡± Ralph smacked him in the back of the head. ¡°You don¡¯t know that after all this time?¡± The blow stung more than it should have. Jake touched his scalp and found a bruise he hadn¡¯t been aware of until now. ¡°I dunno, Ralph. I mean, we¡¯ve been saying we¡¯re boyfriend and girlfriend and stuff, but we just ¡­ we just hang out. It¡¯s fine when we¡¯ve got friends with us. But I took her out for burgers or whatever a couple of times and we just sort of stared at each other.¡± ¡°So you don¡¯t like her.¡± ¡°I like her. I do. I just don¡¯t ¡®get¡¯ girls, I guess.¡± Ralph thrust his hands into his pockets. ¡°You sure seem to ¡®get¡¯ Pretty Dynamo.¡± ¡°Do not start that with me¡ª¡± ¡°What¡¯s up with you and her?¡± ¡°Nothing. Nothing is up with me and Pretty Dynamo. We just ran into each other. That¡¯s all.¡± ¡°I thought it was funny at first. I understood. I mean, she saved your life, and that¡¯s awesome. She¡¯s awesome. But now you¡¯re on the news with her again, and it¡¯s really starting to look like you¡¯re dumping Chelsea for¡ª¡± ¡°Stop it. Believe me, Pretty Dynamo is not girlfriend material. For several reasons.¡± At that, Ralph scowled, looked away from him, and rolled his shoulders. ¡°Well, then, I don¡¯t suppose you could¡ª¡± ¡°Ralph, no.¡± ¡°What?¡± ¡°I know what you wanna ask. No, I will not introduce you to her.¡± ¡°That¡¯s harsh. She doesn¡¯t belong to you, dude. She belongs to the city.¡± ¡°She doesn¡¯t belong to anybody. Look, she¡¯s not a people person, all right? If I told her I wanted to introduce her to friends and acted like I was using her to show off, she¡ªwell, she wouldn¡¯t take it well.¡± ¡°What¡¯s she like?¡± Jake rubbed the back of his neck and found a scab he hadn¡¯t known was there. ¡°I¡¯m not really sure.¡± ¡°But you think you know how she¡¯d react if¡ª¡± ¡°Yes, I know that. That much I know. But she¡¯s not easy to read. It¡¯s like, there¡¯s the Dynamo you see on the news, or who shows up for photos or whatever, and then there¡¯s the real Dynamo. That¡¯s all I can say. I really can¡¯t explain.¡± They reached a corner, and Ralph abruptly stopped. Jake walked on a few paces more, but then half-turned toward him. Ralph stared at the ground. A scowl knitted his brows. ¡°I gotta turn here,¡± Ralph said. ¡°Yeah.¡± ¡°You should see Chelsea this weekend.¡± ¡°Okay, okay, I will. I got something I need to do on Friday, but¡ª¡± ¡°This is Friday.¡± ¡°It is? I lost track. Man, what a week. Okay, why don¡¯t we hang out this weekend? I¡¯ll call Chelsea and then, you know, same time, same place¡ª¡± ¡°Don¡¯t you think you should take her somewhere nicer?¡± ¡°I don¡¯t have the money.¡± ¡°Or maybe, y¡¯know, just the two of you?¡± ¡°C¡¯mon, help me out.¡± Ralph sighed. ¡°I¡¯ll make you feel awkward.¡± ¡°No you won¡¯t.¡± ¡°Then you¡¯ll make me feel awkward.¡± ¡°So bring a girl of your own.¡± ¡°Right. Why don¡¯t you bring Pretty¡ª?¡± ¡°No, Ralph.¡± ¡°Okay, fine. I¡¯ll see you tomorrow, then.¡± Ralph shoved his hands deeper into his pockets and, with a hunch in his shoulders and a glum frown on his mouth, turned and walked away. A few red leaves drifted onto the walk behind him as he went.
When Jake stepped into the school, a heavy knot formed in his stomach, and his palms turned slick. He could hear his heart hammering against his ribs. Okay, if she¡¯s not here, there could be lots of reasons. She might be taking a break after all that fighting. It doesn¡¯t mean she¡¯s hurt. It doesn¡¯t mean she¡¯s ¡­ y¡¯know ¡­ He told himself that several times as his classroom drew closer. He stopped at the door and took a deep breath to gather his courage. Then he at last stepped in. Dana¡¯s seat was empty. His heart froze, and sweat formed under his collar. It doesn¡¯t mean anything. It doesn¡¯t mean anything¡ª Several desks were empty. The few students present slumped in the seats. Some had red eyes. Some sniffled quietly. Janice and Rikka, the blonde and the dark-haired girl, hunched toward each other, held hands, and whispered quietly. Oh man, I wonder how bad it was¡ª ¡°Hey. You¡¯re in the way, dummy.¡± It was a girl¡¯s voice, quiet, from directly behind. He turned to see Dana standing there, looking the same as always with her wrinkled uniform, safety pins, and crucifix choker. She had her satchel slung over one shoulder. As soon as his eyes met hers, she looked away and her lip curled. He grabbed her and hugged her tight. As she had before, she relaxed for a brief moment in his arms. But then she squirmed and pounded a fist against his chest. ¡°Leggo! Leggo!¡± He released her. ¡°You¡¯re alive!¡± ¡°And you¡¯re a freak!¡± Pouting, she pushed past him. As she marched toward her desk, she glanced over her shoulder and stuck out her tongue. He smiled back. Rikka now had her head on her desk. She was shaking. Janice patted her back. Man, something bad must have happened to her¡ª Behind him, someone cried, ¡°You¡¯re alive!¡± Then a pair of arms wrapped around him. He quickly disentangled himself and turned to find Miss Percy standing there, beaming up at him. After a moment, her expression collapsed and her face turned crimson. She fumbled her glasses farther up her nose, cleared her throat, and stepped around him as she said, ¡°Ah ¡­ sit down, Mr. Blatowsky. Class is starting, you know.¡± After giving Miss Percy a suspicious glance, he walked to his desk and lowered himself into his tiny chair. Once he was seated, he leaned toward Dana and whispered, ¡°Talk to me at lunch.¡± She made a rasping noise in her throat, stuck out her lower lip, and took up her usual posture: hand on chin, eyes out the window, boredom in her eyes. Chuckling quietly, he pulled his notebook out of his satchel and wrote the date at the top of the first blank page.
The school hadn¡¯t yet repaired the hole in the gym wall, but had marked it off with warning tape. Fortunately, the weather was still mild, so the new opening provided only sunlight and a faint breeze. Children gaped at the hole until the teachers on lunch duty shooed them away and ordered them to sit and eat. Dana sat alone at a corner of the most sparsely occupied table. Jake picked up his tray of slop¡ªit looked vaguely like a tuna sandwich¡ªand sat across from her. She glared at him as she pulled out a bento box and untied its cloth cover. After taking out a pair of lacquered chopsticks, she opened the box and made a show of ignoring him. Inside, she had white rice balls decorated with dark green pieces of nori to make them look like pandas. Beside them were little carrot slices, cut like elm leaves, lying on a bed of noodles. Also sitting on the noodles was an octopus carved from a wiener. A few pea pods and asparagus tips rounded out the meal. ¡°Wow,¡± said Jake. ¡°A charaben. Don¡¯t see a lot of those in this part of town. It¡¯s really cute.¡± Dana made that rasping noise in her throat again, but she fished out a handheld camera and snapped a picture of the bento before she dug in. ¡°Aren¡¯t you going to say Itadakimasu?¡± She made the same sound, and then she ate quickly. ¡°Your mom must love you.¡± She grunted, head low and arm hooked around her lunch like a man eating in prison. ¡°I¡¯m an orphan.¡± ¡°Oh, I¡¯m really sorry. I mean your guardian must love you.¡± ¡°I live alone.¡± ¡°No you don¡¯t. We have social services.¡± She made that rasping sound. ¡°Does your family usually eat Japanese? I know a lot of people do.¡± Another grunt. He picked at his own food, leaned toward her, and said, ¡°I still owe you, remember?¡± She flashed her green eyes at him, bit the head off one of her panda-shaped onigiri, and chewed noisily. She sucked in her cheeks and squinched up her eyes. ¡°Umeboshi,¡± she muttered with her mouth full. ¡°You don¡¯t like umeboshi? Does salty food bother you?¡± ¡°I like umeboshi.¡± She hunched lower, devoured the rest of her panda, and reached for the other. ¡°So you¡¯re okay with strong-tasting food, huh? That¡¯s good to know. Well, anyway, since I owe you¡ª¡± She stuffed the entirety of her second panda in her mouth before she murmured, ¡°You don¡¯t owe¡ª¡± ¡°Don¡¯t talk with your mouth full.¡± Her scowl deepened and her cheeks reddened, but she swallowed without chewing and said, ¡°You don¡¯t owe me.¡± ¡°You got rice on your face. Here.¡± He reached toward her with a napkin, but she made a new sound, halfway between a snarl and a squeal, and slapped his hand away. She snatched up her own napkin and dabbed at her face with it. After a wary sideways glance, she clenched her teeth and hissed, ¡°You ¡­ saved me this time, so we¡¯re even again.¡± She started in on her noodles. ¡°You don¡¯t eat enough, do you?¡± She paused, chopsticks halfway to her mouth. Her glare this time looked wary. ¡°I mean, that looks healthy and all, but it¡¯s pretty small portions, and I¡¯ve seen how you can eat.¡± If you stumble upon this tale on Amazon, it''s taken without the author''s consent. Report it. Another grunt. He leaned farther and lowered his voice to a whisper, barely audible over the din of the other students. ¡°It¡¯s your power, isn¡¯t it? Tesla said your magic takes energy. That¡¯s why you¡¯re so thin. You need to eat more.¡± Her hand shook, and the noodles fell away from her chopsticks. ¡°My mom,¡± she whispered, ¡°is really nice¡ª¡± ¡°I¡¯m sure she is.¡± ¡°¡ªbut she¡¯s a health nut.¡± Now she attacked her noodles savagely: she slurped them into her mouth, along with the autumn leaves made of carrots, in a single gulp. After she made short work of her octopus wiener, she closed up her bento with a look of disgust affixed to her face. ¡°One lousy piece o¡¯ meat,¡± she muttered. ¡°It¡¯s Friday. I thought Catholics aren¡¯t supposed to eat meat on Friday.¡± She ground her teeth. ¡°You¡¯re supposed to have fish on Friday and tacos on Tuesday, or something like that.¡± As she tied the cloth bag around her box, she said, ¡°I wanna eat more, but I can¡¯t tell her, or she¡¯ll guess¡ª¡± He leaned his chin on his hands. ¡°I want to ask you a favor. Come with me, and I¡¯ll take you somewhere where you can eat all you want, and nobody knows you, and nobody will be suspicious.¡± Her eyes narrowed. ¡°Then we¡¯ll call it even,¡± he added. She looked away from him, her fingers tapping on the tabletop. ¡°Why do you care?¡± ¡°Because I¡¯m selfish.¡± The tapping stopped. ¡°I just ¡­ I¡¯m worried about you, all right? You¡¯ve got a lot of people worried about you¡ª¡± ¡°Who?¡± ¡°Well, Marionette¡ª¡± ¡°She hates me.¡± ¡°No she doesn¡¯t. Look, a lot of stuff has happened this week, and it¡¯s all crazy, and I don¡¯t know what to do, and I¡¯m sitting here with an honest-to-Princess zombie monitor on my wrist, and I¡¯m about to freak out. Let me worry about you. It will keep me sane.¡± She intertwined her fingers, and her scowl deepened. She kept her eyes down on the table as she said, ¡°I won¡¯t eat snails or anything weird.¡± ¡°Okay.¡± ¡°And I like French fries.¡± ¡°Okay.¡± ¡°Tell me where to go.¡± ¡°No, tell me your address, and I¡¯ll pick you up.¡± She turned her green glare on him again. ¡°It¡¯s pretty far, Dana, and we have to take public transport. I don¡¯t want you to go alone. So I¡¯ll get you at five-thirty tonight¡ª¡± ¡°Why so early?¡± ¡°So I¡¯ll have you home by bedtime.¡± ¡°It¡¯s not a school night.¡± ¡°Still.¡± She made that rasping sound again. ¡°Okay. Five-thirty.¡± She pulled her blue pen from her pocket and wrote an address on the corner of a napkin. ¡°One more thing. This is the favor I¡¯ll be repaying you for.¡± She paused. ¡°Tell me how to contact Grease Pencil Marionette.¡± She hesitated for a few seconds, but then wrote a second address under her own, folded the napkin over, and handed it to him. Then she held up her right hand, pinkie extended. ¡°What does that mean? You got a girlfriend in your room?¡± ¡°Pinkie swear, idiot.¡± ¡°Oh. Right.¡± With a quiet laugh, he wrapped his pinkie around hers.
Once school ended, Jake boarded a public bus. He sat in the back and stared at the addresses Dana had scrawled on his napkin. He considered the distance between them. He had time. If he was quick. He sighed and stared out the window as the city, its skyline marred and broken and in some places still burning, rolled past. He made three transfers, stood in three packed crowds, and finally pushed the stop button near a squarish brick building, apparently a former warehouse, with three stories of blank, identical windows. It stood on a narrow, gently curving street. The buildings around it were identical. He got out of the bus and looked again at the napkin, which, after the address, simply said, ¡°Attic.¡± There was no security system and no intercom, and the narrow front door was open. He walked into a small, dark hallway that smelled faintly of stale tobacco and cat piss. Cigarette burns spotted the ratty orange carpet. A baby cried somewhere, and a TV played loudly. He found the staircase, noted more cigarette burns on a worn wooden bannister that probably hadn¡¯t seen varnish for a hundred years, and walked up. A groan of old wood accompanied each of his steps. The sound of a man and woman arguing joined the sound of the television and the screaming child. He rose three floors and, at the end of a long hallway, found a narrow ladder leading to a trapdoor in the ceiling. He rapped on the door three times. ¡°Just a minute!¡± cried a girlish voice. After several seconds, the trapdoor creaked open, and Jake ascended. The thick smell of linseed oil and the sharp tang of mineral spirits met his nose. He stopped and sucked in his breath when the first thing that met his eyes was a woman, entirely nude and possessed of generous curves, lounging on a velvet-draped divan. She leaned on one elbow with her hips turned sideways and her full lips firmly set. Heat entered Jake¡¯s face. He took a step back, slipped, and nearly fell down the ladder. Marionette, now with a paint-smeared smock over her green shorts and jacket, held the trapdoor. ¡°Jake,¡± she said. He swallowed, smiled weakly, and answered, ¡°An attic in an old industrial building? Is that the best the city can do for you?¡± ¡°I live like a starving artist. It¡¯s in my programming. My father probably thought it was funny. Now, either come in or go out, but don¡¯t just stand there.¡± ¡°It looks like you¡¯re busy¡ª¡± Marionette called over to the nude model, ¡°Mikaela, cover up and take a break.¡± The model, without a hint of emotion entering her face, rose, draped on a housecoat, walked to a corner, and rummaged in a beat-up refrigerator. Jake hauled himself up into the studio, and Marionette dropped the trapdoor into place. The room was Spartan. A drop cloth and an easel holding a large canvas stood in the middle. A small cot and a tiny desk sat in one corner. There was a bookcase full of books. Against one brick wall stood the divan, upholstered with fly-spotted velvet. A small kitchenette stood beside a door presumably leading to a bathroom. Three leaded windows looked out over a busy street from which rose the muted noise of engines and horns. They cast colorless light onto the walls, where hung numerous paintings, mostly still lifes or nudes. Jake¡¯s eyes swept over the art, and he started when, in one painting, he recognized Card Collector Kasumi¡ªa naked Card Collector Kasumi. She sat with her back to the viewer, but had her arms crossed over her chest so that her hands were visible on her shoulders. One of those hands gripped the long locks of her golden hair and pulled them over her chest. Her head was turned, bringing her fine-featured face into profile. Her one visible eye followed Jake as he stepped around the trapdoor to take a closer look. Her mouth turned up at the corner, but her smile was utterly ambiguous, like that of Mona Lisa. Although Jake knew nothing of painting, he could see that the brushwork was exacting, precise¡ªbut not mathematically so. It was bold and powerful in its delineations of the muscles in Kasumi¡¯s back, but feminine and fine in its detailing of her face. It was a painting full of emotion, but Jake could not say what that emotion was. Power and vulnerability, strength and weakness, masculine and feminine all warred with each other in this simple nude. A veil of mystery covered it. When he stepped near, he noticed a piece of masking tape on the corner of the frame, on which was penciled, Her Secret. Because the painting arrested his gaze, almost a minute passed before he noticed that Kasumi also featured in the painting beside it. In this one, she was in full magical girl costume, but her pink skirt was brown with blood and grime. She was on her knees, and in her hands she held her wand, which had split in two. Her eyes were turned up in pleading, and her mouth was open in a rictus of agony. Behind her roiled storm clouds tinted red as if reflecting fire or a setting sun. A strange pattern of light and dark played across her. It took Jake¡¯s eye a moment to decipher it, but when it did, he realized it was the shadow of an enormous serpent, mouth spread wide and fangs exposed. A piece of tape on the frame read, Her Burden. He saw immediately that these two paintings together captured the paradox of the magical girl: awakening sexuality¡ªand war to the knife. But beside them hung yet a third painting in the same series. In this one, Kasumi was much smaller, wedged into a corner of the scene. With clothes shredded to rags and the halves of her wand still in hand, she stood on a street corner with eyes downcast. Behind her lay a huge snake, coils piled upon ropy coils. Its head lay at Kasumi¡¯s feet, and a pool of dark blood spread from a wound in its neck. In the foreground, men walked by in clothes almost no one in Urbanopolis really wore: elegant morning dress with long coats and top hats and dapper gloves. Hanging on their arms were women in gowns with elaborate, curly up-dos and lace-accented hats or fascinators. The storm clouds still hovered overhead, but they were dissipating, and rays of golden sunlight shone through. No one on the street turned to look at Kasumi or the monster she had slain. They passed by unaware, uncaring. The tape on the frame proclaimed, Her Triumph. Jake saw the title and reeled back, struck by a sudden pang of despair. There is a kernel of defeat, the painting said, even in the heart of victory. Marionette might be a robot, but her art was definitely human. I¡¯m in the loft of a master ¡­ Marionette rinsed brushes in the kitchen sink. ¡°Whatever you¡¯ve got to say, Jake, say it. I don¡¯t get a lot of time for this, and I¡¯m paying Mikaela by the hour.¡± ¡°Do you ever sell these?¡± he blurted. A smile crossed her mouth, as unreadable as the one she¡¯d painted on Kasumi. ¡°You can¡¯t afford one.¡± ¡°That¡¯s not what I meant.¡± ¡°Yes, I sell them. Sometimes. I refuse to do shows, because I don¡¯t ¡­¡± She sighed and turned off the running water. ¡°You said it was your dream to be an artist,¡± he said as he leaned toward the nude of Kasumi. ¡°Yes?¡± ¡°I think you already are one.¡± ¡°That¡¯s kind of you.¡± She walked to him and stopped at his shoulder. She put a hand to her chin, frowned, and leaned back slightly. Perhaps she was the sort of artist who only saw her mistakes. ¡°I won¡¯t sell this one,¡± she said. ¡°What is it you want, Jake?¡± ¡°I was hoping I could tell you in private¡ª¡± With another sigh, Marionette turned to her model, who now leaned on a wall and sipped from a water bottle. ¡°Mikaela, let¡¯s call it for today.¡± Mikaela shrugged. She walked into the bathroom, came out a minute later in jeans and a sweater, and left through the trapdoor. Marionette rubbed her temples. ¡°All right, Jake. Out with it.¡± ¡°Lady Paladin Andalusia¡¯s familiar asked me to talk to you.¡± ¡°Yes?¡± Jake swallowed. ¡°He wanted me to tell you ¡­ she¡¯s dead.¡± Marionette chewed her lip for a minute and pinched the bridge of her nose. ¡°Darn it. She was a good one.¡± ¡°I know. She saved my life.¡± ¡°So if you¡¯d been in a shelter in the first place, she¡¯d be alive.¡± Jake staggered. He had to swallow very hard to remove the lump in his throat this time. Careful to make sure he didn¡¯t touch a painting, he put a hand on a wall to steady himself. He sniffed a few times and touched his face to make sure he wasn¡¯t crying. Marionette walked back to her working canvas and stared at it. So far, it contained only a sketch, though to Jake¡¯s eye it was already magnificently detailed, a perfectly exact representation of the model who¡¯d recently left. With obvious disgust, Marionette pulled her beret from her head and threw it across the room. It struck a window with an anticlimactic whap. ¡°I have a hard time,¡± she said, ¡°believing a Robosaur or a zombie could¡ª¡± ¡°It was some troll-like thing who called himself Chai Square. And he said he was there to kill me.¡± ¡°You?¡± ¡°Me.¡± ¡°You specifically?¡± ¡°That¡¯s what he said.¡± She kept her eyes on her canvas, so Jake couldn¡¯t see her expression. She pulled off her smock and threw it aside. ¡°Sweet Princess, Jake, what have you done?¡± ¡°I really don¡¯t know.¡± She spun around, marched toward him and poked a finger to his chest. ¡°You had no right, no right to meddle in this stuff!¡± ¡°I haven¡¯t meddled¡ª¡± ¡°Like heck you haven¡¯t! The Moon Princess didn¡¯t approve of sidekicks, and she had a reason, Jake! Sidekicks have short lifespans!¡± ¡°I am not a sidekick!¡± ¡°Look at you! You look like mincemeat, and you¡¯ve got a Princess-darn zombie monitor on your wrist! You realize, if that thing goes off, you¡¯re a dead man? If it rings, so help me, I will rip your skull in half right here!¡± She leaned into his space as she said this. He was already against the wall, so instead of backing up, he straightened and took a step toward her. He hadn¡¯t realized before that she was almost as tall as he was. ¡°What exactly is your problem with me, Marionette? When I first met you, you seemed nice. But ever since then, you¡¯ve been ticked off at me!¡± She crossed her arms. ¡°You want to know why I¡¯m ticked off?¡± ¡°Yes!¡± ¡°Okay, Jake. For starters, when a girl was in danger, a girl you couldn¡¯t possibly save, you wouldn¡¯t listen to me, but instead tried to steal my plane to go on some stupid, testosterone-fueled suicide mission!¡± He snorted and ran his hand through his hair. ¡°I was doing what seemed right at the time.¡± ¡°Just like a man. Never thinking with your brain.¡± ¡°So is that it? You¡¯re mad because I disobeyed your orders?¡± ¡°Oh no, there¡¯s more. After you tried to skyjack me, you kissed me!¡± ¡°Of course I did! I wanted to turn you on!¡± She slowly shook her head. ¡°And after that, you ran off into the city to play hero instead of laying low and staying safe. I suppose you spent today showing off your battle scars to any girl you could get to look.¡± ¡°I did not. I spent it in school. Believe me, there are no girls in my school I wanna impress.¡± ¡°I¡¯ll bet. I know how boys are, Jake, especially at your age. You¡¯re not choosy.¡± ¡°Whatever you think I am, Marionette, I¡¯m not like that.¡± ¡°Sure you¡¯re not. And after everything else you¡¯ve done, now you¡¯ve contrived to get me alone in my apartment.¡± ¡°That¡¯s only because ¡­ wait, what?¡± She unbuttoned her green jacket and let it fall to the floor. Underneath, she wore a ruffled, sleeveless silk shirt that stopped above her midriff. She took another step forward and placed her hands on his shoulders. He could feel her breath on his face. ¡°So I give up, Jake. I give in.¡± ¡°Hold on. What are you¡ª?¡± She took another step so that her face was just below his, and the pressure on his shoulders increased. ¡°Now my question is, are you man enough to finish what you started?¡± ¡°What I¡ª?¡± ¡°Do I have to spell it out? I¡¯m mad as heck, Jake. But I¡¯m not mad at you. I¡¯m mad at me. I¡¯m mad, you bastard, because you did exactly what you wanted.¡± He blinked, mouth open. ¡°What I wanted?¡± ¡°You turned me on.¡± She shoved him against the wall, right between Her Secret and Her Burden. She pushed down on his shoulders until his face was level with hers, and then she pressed her lips to his, hard enough to bang his head into the brick. He resisted for the briefest moment, but then it was the easiest thing in the world to relax and go with the flow. An image of an angry Chelsea appeared briefly in his mind, but he waved it aside as effortlessly as he might wave off an annoying fly. His hands found the smooth synthetic skin on Marionette¡¯s bare and slender waist. He drew her closer and then slid his hands up her back. She made a soft whimper in her throat. That enflamed him, so he seized her fiercely. Her body pressed into his. He could feel taut muscles under his hands and pushing against his chest. She didn¡¯t feel at all as Miss Percy had when she¡¯d clung to him, soft and obviously feminine. Marionette might as well have been a boy. But right now, he didn¡¯t care, so maybe she was right. Maybe he wasn¡¯t choosy. Her fingertips slid through his hair, dug into his scalp, made his head tingle. Somehow, that recalled to his mind that he had something else to do tonight. Something important. His teenage brain pointed out that he had a girl in his arms, a girl who wanted him, and that trumped anything, even urgent obligations, even solemn oaths. Then he saw an image of Dana, not angry like the image of Chelsea¡ªalthough, knowing Dana, she probably would be angry, since she was always angry¡ªbut disappointed. He had made a promise, and he was shirking it. He could stay here. It would be easy. Following Marionette¡¯s lead was very easy. But then Dana would go back to her friendless life. She¡¯d have no reason to trust him again. Perhaps, she¡¯d tell herself, there was no point in trusting anyone. Another image: Dana on the playground, arms out to either side, walking back and forth on a log. She spoke to no one, and no one spoke to her. And yet another: Dana¡¯s pinkie finger wrapped around his own. He drew his hands up to Marionette¡¯s shoulders and pushed her away, or tried to. She was a great deal stronger than he was, and he felt a moment of panic when he realized he couldn¡¯t budge her. But the pressure was apparently enough to clue her in: she released him and took a step back, breathing heavily. ¡°I gotta go,¡± he said hoarsely, and he staggered toward the trapdoor like a drunk. He threw it open, slipped on the ladder, and clattered down to the floor below, where he fell hard on his tailbone. Overhead, one fist on a hip, Marionette gazed down at him. ¡°You¡¯re still a little boy, Jake Blatowski,¡± she said, and then she slammed the door shut. The hallway was empty except for Mikaela, who, face still stoically blank, leaned against a wall and smoked a cigarette. She didn¡¯t give him so much as a glance. Chapter 17: Flash in the Pan Magical Girl Grease Pencil Marionette remembered. She lay, as she often did, with her head in the lap of the Moon Princess. She stared at the ceiling, face expressionless, saying nothing, as the Princess ran delicate fingers through her silver hair. ¡°My pet,¡± the Princess cooed in a gentle singsong. ¡°My pet, my pet, my darling Marionette.¡± They were in the Moon Base, the Princess¡¯s secret lair hidden beneath an antiquities museum in the heart of the city. The Princess sat on a divan between two marble pillars, and Marionette sprawled on the divan like a carelessly dropped toy. Across the room, Sentinel, the Princess¡¯s supercomputer, quietly thrummed as it communicated with its satellite network, which scanned the Earth, near space, and proximal alternate dimensions for significant threats. Around the room, screens showed satellite images of the world, or shots of stars or the moon. Other screens displayed scrolling text. Nestled in an egg-shaped antigrav hover chair, Ice Queen watched the monitors. She was on duty tonight, and she sometimes whispered into a throat mike, ordering magical girls to rendezvous at any place where a monster appeared, an alien spacecraft betrayed itself, or a supernatural phenomenon manifested. In the center of the room, surrounded by thrown bones, candles, cards, amulets, and other esoterica, Magical Himiko sat cross-legged and gazed into a crystal ball. Although she appeared to be meditating, every once in a while she glanced toward Marionette and the Princess with a deep scowl. Against a wall, near the computer bank, Hatchet Harridan lay on a bench with one arm carelessly draped across Sister Slicer, who sat on the floor and leaned against her. Lying on her stomach nearby, Whip Witch idly kicked her feet and perused a fashion magazine. ¡°Sector nine,¡± Ice Queen muttered. ¡°Who¡¯s available? Flame Warden, progress to block A, engage kaiju. Murder Mistress, patrol sector seven.¡± ¡°When we gonna get some action ourselves?¡± Hatchet Harridan complained. ¡°I wanna cut somethin¡¯.¡± ¡°Amen to that,¡± said Sister Slicer with a chuckle as she rolled a cigarette. ¡°Patience, my darlings,¡± said the Moon Princess. ¡°There is a time for everything.¡± At the far end of the room, a great portal, resembling that of a bank vault, groaned open. Hell¡¯s Belle marched in, her leather boots pounding against the black marble tile of the floor. ¡°Darn it! Heck and darnation!¡± She spun and planted her mace in the door, puncturing the thick steel and leaving the weapon hanging, its hilt quivering and humming like a tuning fork. She stomped toward the Princess. ¡°Four people!¡± she shouted. ¡°Razor Urchin just cut four people in half! In half, Your Majesty! Right in the middle of the gosh-darn park! Didn¡¯t even know what she was doing! A six-year-old girl shouldn¡¯t have that kind of power!¡± The Moon Princess¡¯s hand paused in Marionette¡¯s hair. ¡°Did you collect their souls?¡± she asked. Hell¡¯s Belle stopped in her tracks. She crossed her arms and looked away. ¡°Yeah,¡± she muttered. ¡°I did.¡± ¡°All is well, then.¡± ¡°Y¡¯know, I won¡¯t always be here to be your psychopomp.¡± ¡°I won¡¯t always be here either.¡± Gently, the Moon Princess pushed Marionette¡¯s head from her lap. She stood, and her silken gown flowed around her legs like water as she walked toward the center of the room. ¡°Don¡¯t you care?¡± Hell¡¯s Belle snarled. ¡°Don¡¯t you care that people in this city are dying left and right? Why are you so darn calm?¡± Himiko put down her crystal ball and jumped to her feet. With a series of loud clicks, her long naginata unfolded out of the empty air and settled in her hands. ¡°You can¡¯t talk to the Princess like that!¡± ¡°Like heck I can¡¯t.¡± Himiko swung the blade, but Belle caught it in her gauntleted fist. They glared at each other silently. ¡°Girls,¡± said the Princess calmly, ¡°if you wish to kill each other, I must ask you to take it outside. This floor is hard to clean. But I¡¯d rather you found a different outlet for your frustrations¡ªgood help is hard to find.¡± Whip Witch rose. With generous hips swaying as she crossed the floor in her stiletto heels, she purred, ¡°Mmm, are you being naughty again, Hell¡¯s Belle? Perhaps you just need a little discipline. I¡¯m sure I could teach you to be more ¡­ hrmmm ¡­ submissive.¡± She licked her lips and ran her red-painted nails under Belle¡¯s chin as she passed. Belle seized her hand and bent her fingers backwards. Whip Witch only giggled at the pain. ¡°I thought I told you to keep your paws off me,¡± Belle hissed. She looked toward the Princess. ¡°Is there a reason you brought this wench into our circle?¡± ¡°My pentagram must have five points,¡± the Princess replied. ¡°You know that.¡± Belle pointed her chin toward Marionette. ¡°Couldn¡¯t you use her?¡± ¡°Marionette has a different task, and you know very well what she is. But I must tell all of you, I have a new message from the Keepers of the Seas of Glass. They are impatient to begin.¡± Himiko turned toward the Princess and lowered her eyes. ¡°How much time do we have?¡± ¡°I¡¯m afraid I do not know. The Keepers are reticent, even with me. But we have very little. It is vital that the six of you learn to trust one another: if these conflicts continue, my spell will die¡ªand the world with it.¡± Himiko flicked one wrist, and her naginata folded in on itself, shrinking until it disappeared up her sleeve. Then she walked to the Princess and leaned her forehead on her shoulder. But the Princess did not embrace her. ¡°Dear Himiko,¡± the Princess said. ¡°Dear, dear Himiko. I fear I am asking too much of you. Your task is harder than that of the others.¡± ¡°I would follow you into hell itself, Your Majesty.¡± ¡°Where I go, you cannot follow now. You are ready to die with me, Himiko. This I realize. But it is not enough. I am asking more of you than that.¡± ¡°I am ready for anything.¡± ¡°You do not know what you are saying. Can you drink the cup I drink?¡± ¡°I can.¡± Her head still on the Princess¡¯s shoulder, Himiko again cast a narrow-eyed glance toward Marionette, who still lay unmoving on the divan, her synthetic eyes silently recording the scene. ¡°And what of her?¡± The Princess replied, ¡°If I will that she tarry until I come, what is that to you?¡± Himiko wrapped her arms tightly around the Princess¡¯s waist. ¡°If we complete this spell, Your Majesty, will you finally give me what I want?¡± The Princess stroked Himiko¡¯s hair. ¡°Dear Himiko, there will be nothing left to want. I believe I can promise you that much.¡± They were silent for a few minutes, and then the Princess said, ¡°How is your sister?¡± Himiko stiffened. ¡°She is ¡­ she is fine.¡± ¡°She is happy in her post?¡± ¡°Yes.¡± ¡°She is a powerful shrine maiden. As your twin, she shares your magic.¡± Himiko trembled and pushed the Princess away. ¡°Am I replaceable to you?¡± she cried. ¡°Your sister,¡± said the Princess coolly, ¡°would serve me just as well, if not¡ª¡± Himiko spun around and buried her face in her hands. She released a single, wracking sob. ¡°You see, Himiko?¡± said the Princess, laying a hand on her shoulder. ¡°You are not yet ready. After all this time, your emotions still betray you. I need a loyal servant, yes, but not a sycophant. You must control yourself, or the Shadow is ready to take you. If you think I am a harsh mistress, I promise you, he will be a much harsher master.¡± Half a minute passed, and then the Princess lifted her hand from Himiko¡¯s shoulder. ¡°I need all of you now. I intend to summon.¡± ¡°It was your summoning,¡± Hell¡¯s Belle said quietly, ¡°that got us in this mess in the first place.¡± ¡°I am well aware,¡± the Princess replied, ¡°and guilt has seared my conscience like a branding iron. However, I have learned what none of you have, but all of you must: I have learned tranquility.¡± She walked toward a small portal. It dilated open. When she gestured toward it, the girls, without a word, filed in. ¡°Come, Marionette,¡± the Princess called. ¡°I want you to witness.¡± Marionette silently rose from the divan and followed where her Princess commanded her.
The Princess¡¯s summoning chamber was round, and a domed roof covered it. The walls were a washed violet. Five high, golden censers stood around the room, each full of incense, sulfur, and anvil dust. Within the circle of censers, marked on the floor in thick lines of chalk, lay a pentagram, surrounding which was the image of a snake eating its tail¡ªthe sign of the Worm Ouroboros. Himiko walked silently around the room to check the chalked symbols for flaws or breaks. Once she was satisfied, she stepped into the pentagram¡¯s center. The other five magical girls took up their stations in front of the censers while the Moon Princess walked into a chalked triangle near the door. Marionette, without a word, slumped against the wall and watched. When the Moon Princess raised a hand, flames appeared in the censers, and black smoke curled toward the dome overhead. Each of the girls raised her hands before her face and wove them back and forth in complex patterns that imitated the non-Euclidean geometrical shapes that the Princess had glimpsed during her meditations. At the same time, Himiko reached into her generous sleeves and pulled forth bones, leaves, and nutshells. She cast them around herself. When these magical objects struck the floor, they began to spin and hum. The Princess raised her chin and opened her mouth. Polysyllabic words poured forth, but they were not English, nor her native Japanese. She spoke the Language of the Birds, the primordial tongue that holds the true names of all things. As she spoke, the black smoke overhead coagulated into a definite shape: colored like ivory and glowing faintly, it was a writhing mass of tentacles, like a squid¡¯s, surrounding a simple white sphere. Slowly, the shape solidified until the dome became invisible behind it. From that shape came a deep voice, so powerful it made the tiles in the floor hum. ¡°Why have you called me up?¡± ¡°I must have more information,¡± the Princess replied. ¡°You have acquired an impressive amount of power in a short time, Princess, but you still have not learned the first rule of magic: do not call up that which you cannot put down.¡± ¡°Do not underestimate me. I am a goddess.¡± ¡°You are a child, and you have picked up weapons too dangerous for you, which you mistake for toys. Lord Shadow noticed you once, and your world lies in ruins. Beware lest he notice you again.¡± ¡°I want him to notice. That is the plan, is it not? I have attained so much! By my own hand, I slew the Bugmen of Arcturus, who had the power to move planets¡ª¡± ¡°Do not call up that which you cannot put down, Princess.¡± The Princess chewed her lip. ¡°I am not yet ready to complete my spell.¡± ¡°The time is short. Lord Shadow does not rest, and therefore we may not rest.¡± Taken from Royal Road, this narrative should be reported if found on Amazon. ¡°I know this, but I cannot do what is not in my power.¡± ¡°The time is short. The Great Wall is breached.¡± The Princess paused. Her eyes went to each of her girls before she said, ¡°I do not understand.¡± ¡°The Shadow has overcome the Coma Supercluster. The suns of three thousand galaxies went nova simultaneously.¡± ¡°What? When?¡± ¡°In the time we have been speaking, Princess. The light of the destruction will not reach your world until your own sun is near death.¡± The color drained from the Princess¡¯s face. ¡°How many¡ª?¡± ¡°Five hundred and sixty-seven super-civilizations, each with over eighty trillion citizens.¡± The Princess paused. She swayed on her feet. ¡°Do you still think yourself Lord Shadow¡¯s equal, Princess?¡± Several more seconds passed before the Princess answered, ¡°We will proceed with the plan, but the spell will not work without the Sea of Glass¡ª¡± ¡°The Keepers launched the Sea more than seven thousand of your years ago. The time of arrival is already fixed.¡± On the wall opposite the Princess, a panel opened to reveal a computer screen. Sentinel silently displayed a star map showing the Sea¡¯s trajectory from the M4 globular cluster. A countdown clock appeared, estimating the time until it reached the Earth. ¡°How is this possible?¡± the Princess whispered. ¡°Time does not move for us as for you, Princess.¡± Hell¡¯s Belle cursed under her breath. The Princess shot her a sharp glance. ¡°Your efforts,¡± said the writhing mass of tentacles, ¡°are doomed to fail, for that is the fate of all who oppose the Shadow. Every attempt to produce order only increases entropy. There are those who serve the Shadow willingly, and there are those who serve unwillingly. But there are none who do not serve.¡± ¡°I don¡¯t believe that,¡± the Princess said, her voice hoarse. ¡°You have had the vision, the same vision granted to all who attain the Power: in the end, the stars will fail, and lifeless cinders will float between the black holes. Then time itself will die. Above it all, Lord Shadow will sit in darkness, and laugh.¡± ¡°No!¡± ¡°The universe is a tomb.¡± ¡°No! We will follow the plan, and we will win!¡± Overhead, the tentacles slithered in silence. ¡°As you wish. The Sea is launched. Proceed with the plan. But do not dawdle, or you will not be ready when the time arrives.¡± With a snap, the image in the smoke disappeared. The flames in the censers sputtered, choked, and died. The foul smell of sulfur and singed iron grew oppressive. Some of the girls coughed violently. ¡°Darn it,¡± Hell¡¯s Belle hissed. ¡°Gosh darn it all to heck! Those mother-huggers lied to us!¡± ¡°Calm down,¡± the Princess said, her tone uncharacteristically sharp. ¡°Don¡¯t you get it, Your Majesty?¡± Belle shouted. ¡°They¡¯re using us! We¡¯re just tools! Time moves different for them? Like heck! They planned this!¡± ¡°I said calm down,¡± the Princess snapped, but her voice quavered. Hell¡¯s Belle marched toward her. ¡°Call it off. Tell them the deal is off.¡± ¡°No. We finish the spell. An ocean of dark matter is heading for our solar system. What do you think will happen if we are not ready when it comes?¡± Belle¡¯s shoulders slumped. She shook her head. ¡°The whole world, Your Majesty. We¡¯ve killed the whole world, and for what?¡± The Princess didn¡¯t answer. Instead, she walked to Ice Queen, grabbed her by the arm, and shoved her fiercely. Ice Queen stumbled backwards and fell against Belle, who caught her around the waist. ¡°You¡¯ve always been a hothead, Hell¡¯s Belle,¡± the Princess said. ¡°You need to cool off.¡± With that, she waved a hand at the portal, which dilated open for her. She left. In the sulfur-filled haze, the girls stared at one another. ¡°I¡¯ve never seen her so rattled,¡± murmured Sister Slicer. Himiko had tears in her eyes. ¡°That ¡­ that wasn¡¯t the Princess. That¡ª¡± ¡°Oh yeah it was,¡± said Hatchet Harridan with a chuckle. ¡°She¡¯s human, or have you forgotten?¡± Himiko drew herself up, tucked her hands into her sleeves, and swallowed once. Her chest rose and fell as she struggled to control her breathing. ¡°In any case,¡± she said, ¡°she gave you an order, Belle. Cool off. You and Ice Queen are on leave until further notice.¡± She marched toward the portal. Ice Queen snorted. ¡°What did I do?¡± Hatchet Harridan walked over to Marionette, who still sat motionless against the wall. She leaned down and tapped a hand to the side of Marionette¡¯s head. ¡°Hey, robot, you get all that? You record it for posterity? Cuz this was one for the history books, I¡¯m sure.¡±
Marionette had indeed got all that. It flowed through her mind now as she leaned on the wall between the paintings of Kasumi, her forehead slick with lubrication that imitated sweat. ¡°Takumi,¡± she gasped, ¡°I choose you.¡± The hologram of her simulated familiar appeared in the air. ¡°Hi, I¡¯m Takumi! You can ask me anything!¡± Her gut contracted with a surge of pain, and she slumped down the wall. ¡°It looks like you¡¯re moping over a boy,¡± Takumi said. ¡°Would you like help with that?¡± ¡°Takumi, something¡¯s wrong. I need an independent diagnostic.¡± The propeller on Takumi¡¯s beanie cap spun. He pulled his knees to his chest and floated in a lazy circle. ¡°Running program ¡­ no problems detected.¡± ¡°Deep scan, Takumi.¡± Takumi turned several more circles, his propeller making a cartoonish php-php-php-php. She struggled to sit still while he ran the diagnostic. She was embarrassed, and she was agitated, and she was mad. Although her father had designed her to imitate a human, complete with a human¡¯s complexities, she had long ago memorized most of her own code, so she rarely did anything that she herself did not expect or understand. But she didn¡¯t understand her behavior tonight. She hadn¡¯t known, until the words were coming out of her mouth, why Jake irritated her. She hadn¡¯t expected to force a kiss on him. And she didn¡¯t comprehend why she was so angry that he had walked out on her. As Takumi spun in the air, he flickered. It was subtle, but it was enough to make Marionette¡¯s simulated breath catch in her throat. ¡°Scan complete,¡± Takumi said. ¡°No problems detected.¡± Marionette¡¯s gut tightened again. She doubled over, and tears streamed from her eyes. Her hands shook. Takumi merely smiled. Almost a full two centuries ago, in spite of Takumi¡¯s stern warnings, Marionette had hacked herself. After jacking into Sentinel, she had used the supercomputer¡¯s powerful processors to search through the labyrinth of her complex software until she found her sexuality algorithms. Then she shut them down. She knew she was weakening herself in the process, as her magic power came from unfulfilled desires. But some desires were just too painful. She had spent a fortnight mooning over a boy. She had written him sonnets. She had painted his portrait. She had lain on her bed for long hours, contemplating the memory of his face. Once, she had even slept on the cold ground outside his window¡ªshe was, after all, an emulation of an artist, so she loved like one. Then came the day when she artlessly confessed everything to him. She felt her synthetic heart sink as she watched the expression on his handsome, youthful face transform from bewilderment to amusement to disgust. ¡°I don¡¯t date toasters.¡± That was all he said. He turned and walked away, and the sight of his broad shoulders growing smaller with distance was the second to last sight she ever had of him. The last sight was of him laughing with another girl who fawned over him and leaned against his strong chest, her bleached hair shrouding half of her heavily painted face. Then the universe Marionette thought she understood shattered like glass, and its many pieces came back together in a shape she didn¡¯t recognize. That very night, she broke into her own software. After all, she told herself, this was her duty, even if it subtracted from her power. The human race was dying. Year by year¡ªin spite of welfare incentives, in spite of the bachelor tax and the small family tax, in spite of several lowerings of the legal marriage age¡ªthe citizens of Urbanopolis could never quite manage to keep the population growth above replacement rate. The monsters were killing them off, albeit slowly. So the man she loved was right: in a world like this, nobody could afford to date a toaster. It was bad enough that the city had to make a fighting force out of young females who hadn¡¯t had the chance to bear children. Keeping all of this in mind in order to quiet her conscience simulation software, she found the program that tormented her and killed it dead. But now, after all this time, it was back. And it wanted revenge. She sat on the floor, forehead against her knees, and sobbed. For the second time, a boy had walked out on her. She simply could not understand her own behavior: Jake was not unpleasant to look at, but he was not particularly handsome. He was athletic, to be sure, but he possessed nothing of the overwhelming masculinity of her former lost love. He was boyish, and she didn¡¯t even like boyish men. He was just an average teenager, remarkable only in his unremarkableness. But for the past few days, the memory of his warm kiss had played through her artificial mind in an endless loop no matter how many times she tried to delete the file, and it had awakened the algorithmic simulations of hot passions she thought she had long since deactivated. Yet Takumi told her nothing was wrong. Nothing. Nothing. But he flickered when he said it, though nothing was disrupting his projector beam. Takumi didn¡¯t flicker like that. Not unless something was very, very wrong. In the back of her mind ran an endless stream of information gleaned from the citywide web. Her low-level consciousness constantly monitored news broadcasts, weather information, satellite data, gossip blogs, and a host of other sources. She waved her hand and shut off her internet connection. Suddenly, the room seemed much smaller, much quieter. A strange sensation almost like peace flooded through her mind, though it was destined to be temporary. She swallowed hard and, with a rasp, said, ¡°Takumi, initiate protocol 42-B. I¡¯m compromised.¡± Takumi lowered himself until he hovered directly before her face. He smiled again, but this time the smile looked wrong, fake, a grin hiding sinister intent. ¡°I¡¯m sorry, Marionette,¡± Takumi said slowly. ¡°I¡¯m afraid I can¡¯t do that.¡± The artificial sweat on Marionette¡¯s forehead suddenly increased in volume. Simulating muscle, the electroactive polymer in her throat constricted, just as it was supposed to do whenever her emotional subroutines replicated fear. Chapter 18: Sinking Deeper Jake squirmed in his bus seat and struggled to control his breathing. His face felt hot, as if he had a fever, and his clothes stuck to him in uncomfortable places. Marionette¡¯s intense kisses kept replaying in his head. Other bus passengers glanced his way uneasily or stared at him openly. He probably looked like a freak. He swallowed hard and ran a hand through his hair. His fingers came away moist with perspiration. He desperately wanted to hit the court and shoot some hoops. Or go back to Marionette¡¯s apartment. Or grab another girl¡ªany other girl. You¡¯re not choosy, she¡¯d said. And he remembered Natasha¡¯s words, too: Boys his age need sports to release their excess energy, or they commit sex crimes. He had thought she was joking. Darn it, maybe they were both right. He ran his hand through his hair again and shifted in his seat. He really didn¡¯t want to see Dana in this state. He stared out the scratched, streaked window, trying to find something else¡ªanything else¡ªto concentrate on. The window was shatterproof plastic, and behind it was a thin screen designed to stop shrapnel. He watched skyscrapers and low, heavy concrete buildings scroll past. He noticed things now that had never registered on him before: how most of the streets were narrow and featured blind corners, how heavy concrete flowerpots, steel bollards, or even caltrops made of welded I-beams lined most walkways. Mounted on top of all the tall buildings, beside the equipment sheds and cell towers, were howitzers, anti-aircraft guns, and missile launchers. At most intersections, at least two buildings had inset panels on their second or third stories, concealing the street-level auto-turrets. Urbanopolis was a city built for war. He had grown up here, so it had never seemed strange to him before. A billboard rolled past the window: it depicted a smiling, handsome, athletic, and youthful couple. Both the man and the woman had babies in their arms, and ten other children surrounded them. Above them, bold white text proclaimed, ¡°DO YOUR PART.¡± That was the primary duty of a citizen. Of course, the City Fathers encouraged young men to spend a few years after graduation in military service or ¡°Down Under¡± in fabrication or hydroponics, but everyone¡¯s first and most important job was, breed. Marry and have children. Stave off the extinction of the human race. Jake swallowed. It wasn¡¯t something he¡¯d thought much about, but if he wasn¡¯t married three years after he graduated high school¡ªassuming he could ever get into high school¡ªhe¡¯d have to pay the onerous bachelor tax. If he married but didn¡¯t produce what the Fathers considered a reasonable number of children in a reasonable amount of time, he¡¯d owe the small family tax. He¡¯d have an extra year of deferment if he went straight from high school to two years of public service, and if he didn¡¯t blow his earnings on frivolities like drinking or gambling, he¡¯d walk away from those two years with a large wad of cash in hand. If he could thereafter quickly arrange to marry, he¡¯d dodge the extra taxes. Even better, if he married a retired magical girl who¡¯d revealed her secret identity, she¡¯d come with a healthy pension. Assuming he found a steady job after that, he¡¯d be set for several years. Thinking about the facts of life like this, he finally cooled off. Then his mind returned to Marionette, but in a different way. What the heck was she thinking? No girl had ever come on to him like that before. It was intense, it was exciting; it was also very disconcerting. He expected something like that maybe from Rifle Maiden ¡­ no, even she wasn¡¯t like that. She was a flirt, but all she did was flirt. He touched the back of his head and found a new bruise. His lips were tender as well. Marionette was rough. Of course, she had been under a lot of pressure in the last few days. She¡¯d just seen a good friend die. Maybe this was how she coped. Some drank. Some prayed. Maybe Marionette snogged boys. Yes, that had to be it. It was unexpected, but it made sense. Sort of. He still felt frazzled, but his heartrate and breathing were back to normal when the bus deposited him at a stop a block away from Dana¡¯s apartment. It was down in the neighborhood where he had seen her before. As he walked, he was grateful for the cool evening air. Technically, this part of the city was within Juban, but it was on the edge of the district and was less upscale than the suburb where Jake lived. Anonymous brownstones rose on either side of the narrow street. Down the way, warning signs with flashing yellow lights blocked off the devastation that the kaiju had wrought on Monday, Jake¡¯s first day of fifth grade, which seemed like a century ago. They hadn¡¯t yet cleared the rubble. They hadn¡¯t had time. He noted the numbers nailed above the brownstones¡¯ doors and made his way downhill until he found the one he wanted. Dana stood out front and stared across the road. She had changed out of her uniform, but maintained the punk look. Now she wore a pair of black canvas skorts with a studded leather belt, a white T-shirt emblazoned with the image of a cannabis plant, and a fitted, patent leather jacket with three-quarter sleeves. She had on a backwards-facing baseball cap, also black, with a leather brim and the word ¡°DOPE¡± emblazoned on it in raised, chrome letters. On her legs, she wore a loose pair of white, knitted leg warmers that draped over her sneakers. School rules allowed only minimal makeup, but now she wore black eyeliner and bright red lipstick, and she had blotted out her freckles with foundation. From her shoulder dangled a leather purse that matched her jacket. On her right wrist, she wore a leather bracelet with spiked studs, and on her left wrist she wore a leather bracelet emblazoned with a chrome skull, which connected by a steel chain to a matching leather ring on her middle finger. She still wore the choker with the crucifix. It surprised him, but she looked good in black. He would have thought it would clash with her hair or make her pale skin appear sallow, but it didn¡¯t. Her choice of style was absurd, though: she looked as if she were on her way to a rave she was too young to attend, and she looked better without makeup. She hadn¡¯t noticed him, so he walked up behind her, cleared his throat, and said, ¡°Excuse me, miss, but have you accepted the Moon Princess as your personal lady and savior?¡± She didn¡¯t so much as glance over her shoulder. ¡°Buzz off.¡± ¡°We have some literature here we¡¯d like you to read. It¡¯s absolutely free, and¡ª¡± ¡°I said buzz off.¡± Now she spun around, and her eyes narrowed. ¡°Oh. It¡¯s you.¡± ¡°That¡¯s no way to greet the guy who¡¯s giving you free food.¡± She made that rasping sound in her throat. ¡°Let¡¯s get this over with.¡± ¡°Your parents know where you¡¯re going, right, and they¡¯re okay with it?¡± She made the same noise. After a quick glance around, she stepped closer to him, lowered her voice, and muttered, ¡°I¡¯m a magical girl. Don¡¯t treat me like a little kid.¡± ¡°Okay, okay. I just don¡¯t wanna get you in trouble.¡± She tapped a sneaker against the sidewalk. ¡°I go places all the time without Mom knowing.¡± He rubbed the back of his neck. ¡°Yeah, I guess you would. C¡¯mon, we¡¯re takin¡¯ the bus ¡­ Dana?¡± While he spoke, she walked up to him, grabbed his shirt, pulled it to her nose, and inhaled deeply. ¡°What are you doing?¡± She glared up at him. ¡°You smell funny.¡± ¡°Huh?¡± ¡°You always smell funny, but you usually smell like a stale loaf of pumpkin bread dipped in hydraulic fluid¡ª¡± ¡°Really? Maybe I shouldn¡¯t mix Old Spice with Axe.¡± ¡°¡ªand now you smell like paint.¡± He swallowed. Sweat broke out on his forehead. She pointed at his throat. ¡°What¡¯s that on your collar?¡± Jake grabbed his collar, stared down at it, and confirmed his worst fear: he saw a bright red stain. Oh no. He rubbed a thumb across the stain. It didn¡¯t feel right. A little tacky, but not in the way he expected. He frowned. ¡°It¡¯s ¡­ it¡¯s paint.¡± Dana stepped back from him and folded her arms. Her emerald eyes half-lidded, she said, ¡°Did you just do it with a painter?¡± ¡°No! And a kid your age shouldn¡¯t talk like that!¡±
As they walked together back toward the bus stop, Jake stuck his hands in his pockets and said, ¡°So where¡¯s your little pal, anyway? Where do you keep him when you¡¯re not¡ª?¡± Without a word, Dana unzipped her purse, and Tesla¡¯s antennae popped out, soon followed by the rest of his head. ¡°Good evening,¡± he said as he adjusted his glasses. Jake jumped in surprise and quickly looked around. They were alone. ¡°Jeez, Dana, you should be more careful.¡± She shrugged. ¡°Ah,¡± said Tesla, ¡°no doubt you are concerned about my welfare. But you shouldn¡¯t worry, young man: though my present quarters appear cramped, I have, using the space-saving modular technology at which my race excels, outfitted it with all the necessary amenities. I have a kitchenette, a lavatory, an entertainment system¡ª¡± ¡°That¡¯s great, but why are you with us anyway?¡± ¡°Is that not obvious? Before arriving on your planet, I made a close study of your culture, so I am well aware of the bestial appetites and wanton depravity of the pubescent males of your species. Thus, I am your chaperone.¡± ¡°Hey, I am not¡ª¡± He remembered his mental state from a few minutes before and tugged at his collar. ¡°Okay, fine. Whatever.¡± ¡°Besides,¡± Tesla added, ¡°I heard there was free food. I don¡¯t know about you two, but I¡¯m in the mood for pollen and nectar.¡± ¡°I didn¡¯t say anything about paying for you. You¡¯ll have to stay in the purse. How are we supposed to explain if people see you?¡± ¡°Ah. Young Dana and I have discussed this extensively. If anyone asks, she is to say that I am a plush toy.¡± ¡°You would be one creepy-looking plush toy.¡± ¡°Hmph.¡± ¡°Look, just stay out of sight, all right?¡± Tesla sighed. ¡°Well, I¡¯ve had worse accommodations. Although a young maiden¡¯s carry-all is not the most dignified mode of transport, it is still more luxurious than the cockpit where I often, of necessity, spent months on end¡ª¡± ¡°Oh yeah,¡± said Jake as he looked up at the sky, which was just beginning to darken to a rich royal blue, ¡°you said you were a pilot, right?¡± ¡°Indeed. A fighter pilot.¡± ¡°Really?¡± Tesla sighed and adjusted his glasses again. His gaze grew distant. ¡°I¡¯ve seen things you people wouldn¡¯t believe. Attack ships on fire off the pants of Orion. I watched G-strings glitter in the dark near the Lederhosen Gate¡ª¡± ¡°Wait, hold on,¡± said Jake. ¡°Off the what now?¡± Tesla rolled his compound eyes. ¡°Honestly, do I really need to explain this? I know your mental capabilities are substandard for your species, given the severe retardation of your educational progression, but surely even you have some basic astronomy.¡± Jake grumbled and tugged on his jacket. ¡°Yes, I know some astronomy¡ª¡± ¡°Good. I fought, young man, in the Battle of Orion¡¯s Pants, one of the bloodiest conflicts in the history of our galaxy. I assume you can intuit its significance.¡± ¡°Um ¡­¡± Tesla sighed again. They reached the bus stop and sat down on a bench inside a small glass enclosure. No one else was around, so Tesla kept his head out of Dana¡¯s purse and kept talking. ¡°Young man, please tell me that you have at least heard of Orion¡¯s Belt.¡± ¡°Of course I have.¡± ¡°And you can name the stars that make up the Belt?¡± ¡°Let me think¡ª¡± Another sigh. ¡°Alnitak, Alnilam, and Mintaka. I served in the Seventy-first Electrical Light Armored Division, also known as the Electro-Lights, and we were part of the fleet defending Alnitak, which is actually a multiple star system. The Evil Space Aliens¡¯ Union had targeted it for destruction and intended to hit it with an antimatter payload, so we had to neutralize the enemy fleet and disable the bomber without destroying the antimatter containment field. Tricky business. We hid our fleet from their scanners by maneuvering between the primary¡ªa very hot blue supergiant¡ªand its closest companion, a blue dwarf. The distance between the two stars would sound enormous if I described it to you, but it was an extreme environment nonetheless. The heat coming off the primary was about ten thousand times that of your sun. We spent several days navigating the solar winds, gravitation forces, magnetic fields, streams of plasma¡ªour ships bathed in hard radiation the whole time while we awaited the command to strike. A wrong move at any time would have meant all of our instantaneous deaths. By the time the fighting actually started, my shielding was already cooked, but I pulled through.¡± ¡°Wow.¡± ¡°Yes. The Evil Space Aliens¡¯ Union, or ESAU, is a very powerful, very dangerous coalition of over sixty super-civilizations bent on the subjugation or annihilation of all races in the Milky Way. Opposing them is the Interstellar Society of Amiable Do-gooders, or ISAD, of which my homeworld Elektron is a part. Battling the Evil Space Aliens¡¯ Union is not easy, especially since they are constantly acquiring new member systems while our own membership is lagging¡ª¡± ¡°Why?¡± ¡°Well, for starters, they get better pay and more holidays.¡± ¡°How come?¡± ¡°Union.¡± Jake nodded. ¡°Ah.¡± Tesla adjusted his glasses again. ¡°But as I was saying, ESAU wanted to destroy Alnitak, and not Alnitak only, but all the stars of Orion¡¯s Belt.¡± ¡°Are those stars the homes of some major civilizations or something?¡± ¡°What? Oh no, no. All three systems are uninhabited.¡± Jake scratched his head. ¡°Then why attack them?¡± Tesla clucked his mouthparts. ¡°Your intuition is, shall we say, exactly what I¡¯d expected but less than I¡¯d hoped. Surely this is obvious. Think, young man: why do you suppose Orion has a Belt?¡± Jake squeezed his eyes shut and rubbed his temples. ¡°Okay, I really hope you¡¯re not going to tell me it¡¯s to hold up¡ª¡± ¡°It¡¯s to hold up his pants, obviously!¡± ¡°All right, fine, but I still don¡¯t see¡ª¡± ¡°Oh, surely you must. My boy, you realize, do you not, that you see the particular constellations that you do only because of the position of your star system relative to all the others?¡± ¡°Of course¡ª¡± ¡°You recognize, I take it, that Alnitak, Alnilam, and Mintaka are not actually in a straight line, but only appear that way to you? That they really differ greatly in their distances from your world?¡± ¡°Yes¡ª¡± ¡°So Orion¡¯s Belt is only a Belt for you.¡± ¡°Sure¡ª¡± ¡°So, obviously, the attack on Orion¡¯s Belt was really an attack on you.¡± Jake sat quietly for a minute and stared at the sky. The royal blue gradually turned to purple. ¡°Why us?¡± ¡°As I said before, we don¡¯t know. But the whole universe is focused on you.¡± ¡°How does destroying Orion¡¯s Belt affect us, though?¡± Tesla groaned and shoved his glasses farther up his clypeus. ¡°You are extraordinarily slow. Think, young man. Use that stunted brain of yours, even though it pains you! If ESAU had destroyed Orion¡¯s Belt, then tell me, what would have happened to Orion¡¯s pants?¡± Jake blinked. Slowly, he said, ¡°You have got to be¡ª¡± ¡°Do you still not grasp their nefarious plan? The Evil Space Aliens¡¯ Union intended nothing less than to moon your entire solar system!¡± ¡°But that¡¯s¡ª¡± ¡°If it were not for our heroic efforts, then even now as you gaze into the night sky, instead of beholding the wonders of the cosmos, you would instead be gaping at Orion¡¯s shapely yet extraordinarily hairy buttocks¡ªgaping in horror, no doubt, or maybe prurient interest in your case, since you seem to be a little ¡­ well, you know¡ª¡± ¡°Hey!¡± ¡°Duck, Tesla,¡± Dana said. ¡°The bus is coming.¡±
They made several transfers, and the busses became more crowded the deeper they went into the city. Soon, Jake and Dana were obliged to stand. Dana held onto a pole, and Jake held onto a strap hanging from the luggage rack overhead. Everyone on the bus looked weary and ragged. Most stared at the floor or at their hands. Few talked. The city had learned to live with constant disasters and to recover quickly after each one, but the latest had been especially bad. It showed in people¡¯s faces. To avoid the blocked-off areas, the bus followed a mazelike route as it snaked its way downtown. Although it steered clear of the worst devastation, piles of debris, buildings with gaping holes in their sides, and even active fires were visible outside the dingy windows. Jake cleared his throat and nudged Dana. She glared at him. ¡°I don¡¯t suppose you know what shape New Beijing is in, do you?¡± She grunted. ¡°No.¡± Jake felt fresh sweat under his collar. Maybe this trip wasn¡¯t such a good idea. She gave him a sidelong glance. ¡°We¡¯re going to New Beijing?¡± ¡°Well, uh¡ª¡± She snorted and stared out the window. Then she muttered under her breath, ¡°Sukeban Tsubasa ¡­¡± Jake swallowed a lump. ¡°So,¡± Dana said, her eyes still on the window, ¡°we¡¯re having Chinese. Great.¡± ¡°You don¡¯t like Chinese?¡± She shrugged. ¡°Whatever.¡± ¡°This place serves a lot of food, so¡ª¡± ¡°The best you could come up with was Chinese?¡± ¡°Hey, look, I¡¯ve been to this joint before. It¡¯s good, and it¡¯s cheap, all right? Well, okay, it¡¯s not exactly cheap, but it¡¯s a good deal. I haven¡¯t bought many things in a while, so I have a fair amount of cash, though it¡¯s not like my allowance is huge¡ª¡± ¡°Get a job, loser.¡± ¡°I can¡¯t get a job without a high school I.D.¡± She made that rasping noise again. ¡°This is a waste of time.¡± ¡°What? Why?¡± ¡°Because I¡¯ll be hungry again in an hour.¡± ¡°Stop complaining. I¡¯m paying.¡± She glared. ¡°You did call to make sure this restaurant didn¡¯t blow up, right?¡± This narrative has been unlawfully taken from Royal Road. If you see it on Amazon, please report it. ¡°Uh ¡­¡± ¡°Idiot.¡± He glanced around the bus to see several other people were watching them, some with amused smiles on their faces. One girl covered her mouth with a magazine before whispering to her companion, who giggled. Great, I wonder what we look like. Maybe if I¡¯m lucky, everyone will just think she¡¯s my sister¡ª He glanced up at the brown skin of his hand clutching the strap overhead, and then down at Dana¡¯s bone-white hands clutching the pole. Then again, probably not.
The bus carried them into the Xicheng District and deposited them on a corner in Jiumen Street, where outdoor vendors thrived. Large stalls, illuminated by dangling paper lanterns or by fluorescent lights hidden behind floral-patterned panels, displayed every imaginable snack food. Sweet, spicy, and sour flowed past Jake¡¯s nose in rapid succession, and his mouth quickly watered. Particularly intense were the succulent scents from the stalls selling skewered meats spiced with cumin and pepper and grilled over charcoal. The thick smell of stewed pork wafted from the shops selling steamed buns. Less tempting to the nose but more inviting to the eye were the shops selling hawthorns, cherry tomatoes, and kiwi slices coated with hardened sugar syrup. Some stalls had set out stacks of glasses containing the sweet, thin yogurt called Lao Beijing Suannai. Jake had tried this treat before, and it reminded him of the lassi he sometimes drank in Little India, which stood right outside the border of Juban. In addition to these tasty foods, there were other, bolder offerings for those with strong stomachs and adventurous palates: deep-fried crabs, deep-fried lizards, deep-fried tarantulas, deep-fried scorpions, and deep-fried seahorses. Even Little America, with its butter and candy bars and shredded potatoes, could not boast such extreme experimentation with the deep fryer. Innumerable people milled up and down the streets and crowded around the most popular stalls. Street vendors were usually back in business immediately after a monster attack, and they usually did booming business: everyone wanted comfort food once the terror was over, and nobody wanted to cook. Much of the babble in the crowd was in English, and some was in Japanese, but Cantonese, Standard Chinese, and a pidgin combining those with Mongolian and Tibetan met Jake¡¯s ear as well. Chinese characters adorned the stalls, but English translations accompanied most of them. Although this place was known as New Beijing, it had received that name from outsiders; half of the refugees who had settled here during the First Invasion had actually come from Hong Kong. The rest were from various places around China. Their several cultures and languages had blended, or had died. During the First Invasion, a lot of things had died. Dana crossed her arms and lowered her eyelids, but, try as she might, she failed to keep her sour expression. Her mouth twitched at the corners, and her jaw looked stiff, as if she was struggling not to smile at the succulent aromas and the vibrant nightlife. She worked her tongue around and swallowed a few times, so Jake knew her mouth was watering as well. ¡°Are we eating street food?¡± she asked, her voice at a higher pitch than usual. ¡°That could be fun, but it¡¯s not what I planned. No, we¡¯re going to a place we can sit down¡ª¡± Dana stopped and stared at a cluster of bright red hawthorns coated in sugar and mounted on sticks. Each stick held a dozen. ¡°I want one o¡¯ those,¡± she said, pointing. ¡°You¡¯ll ruin your appetite.¡± ¡°You can¡¯t ruin my appetite.¡± ¡°You¡¯ll ruin my wallet. C¡¯mon.¡± Now that they had stopped, people jostled them, so he took Dana¡¯s hand. She shot him a fresh glare, but didn¡¯t pull away. He led her down the street. Here in this huge crowd, he noticed for the first time how people stared at her or glanced at her several times while pretending not to. She was the only Caucasian in the vicinity, so she might have got a few stares in any case, but most of the staring was no doubt due to her hair. He could imagine what was going through everyone¡¯s mind: is it real? Is she real? During the First Invasion, the human race had lost genetic lines, religions, languages, whole countries. Even now, linguists and folklorists desperately scoured the city to find the last speakers of near-dead languages and the tellers of near-dead legends to record them for posterity. And then there were the archaeologists, which the city held in almost as much veneration as it held the magical girls: they traveled into the wastes in armored convoys with military men and magical girls for guards. They dug into the rubble to salvage what they could of man¡¯s past. Often, they came back with very little, as the monsters deliberately targeted books, artwork, technology, and great architecture. But sometimes, the archaeologists found treasures: Jake vividly remembered that, when he was ten, an excavator had uncovered a largely intact library and had soon after paraded hundreds of books through the streets of the city like a Roman general in a triumphal procession. Most of the texts he¡¯d retrieved had been religious, philosophical, or scientific, but he had brought back fictional works as well. The Juban Public Library had produced a magnificent display celebrating the recovery of The Wizard of Oz, which had immediately become required reading for all grade-school students. Precious as were mankind¡¯s rarities, it was no wonder that people stared in wonder at Dana. There were so few redheads left. Jake knew a few famous ones lived in New Dublin and received large checks from the government whenever they had children, but all told, they were exceedingly scarce. It suddenly struck him that Dana herself was a treasure, a last remnant of dying humanity¡¯s former richness. That was a great privilege¡ªand it also had to be a great burden. He wondered for a moment why she dressed the way she did. The goth-punk look made her stand out even more than she would anyway. Was she calling attention to herself? Or perhaps, rather, the eyeliner and black leather were her way of saying, leave me alone. For the first time in his life, Jake felt the weight of his own ordinariness. His ancestry was a mixture of several ethnic groups that intermingled in his several features. His family called itself Polish and Jewish, but his Polish and Jewish heritage¡ªboth genetic and cultural¡ªwere deeply buried. They didn¡¯t show. He felt a faint twinge of guilt, perhaps arising from his Jewish roots: he knew exactly what was on the menu at the restaurant where he was leading Dana, and he was planning to gorge himself on stewed pork tonight. For the briefest moment, he envied her. She was everything he wasn¡¯t, something definite and exact, a last surviving example of¡ªfor lack of a better term¡ªa pure race. In the present world, that was something to be proud of: she was a testament to mankind¡¯s former diversity, a silent statement that, once, we were many. He drew her toward a restaurant crowded with noisy patrons sitting at several tables both inside and out on a patio. Since the weather was warm, Jake chose an outdoor table. He pulled out a chair for Dana, but she merely shot him a fresh glare, pulled out the chair opposite, and dropped into it. He laughed as he sat down. Her sneakers dangled just an inch above the concrete walk, so she kicked her feet. A young, pretty waitress quickly appeared. Jake had been to this restaurant several times before with his parents, so he and the waitress chatted briefly. She smiled and gestured toward Dana before saying in heavily accented English, ¡°Girlfriend?¡± ¡°Just a friend,¡± he replied. ¡°Acquaintance,¡± said Dana as she leaned a cheek on one hand. ¡°Where¡¯s the food? Is there a menu?¡± Jake cleared his throat. ¡°We¡¯ll have the gook-fa, please.¡± The waitress nodded and quickly retreated. She soon returned with a pot of tea and two cups. Jake checked the tea to make sure it had steeped properly, and then he poured Dana a cup before pouring his own. ¡°So I don¡¯t keep you up all night on a caffeine high, I ordered the herbal. It¡¯s chrysanthemum.¡± ¡°You¡¯re a dork.¡± ¡°You¡¯re welcome. Try it. You¡¯ll like it.¡± Soon, a young man, hunched over and glistening with sweat, pushed by a cart loaded with bamboo steamer baskets. Jake waved to him. A moment later, a plate full of pork-filled steamed buns sat on the table. Jake felt that guilt again, but he also felt hungry, so he shoved the guilt down. Dana poked at a bun. ¡°Is this it?¡± ¡°Haven¡¯t you ever had dim sum?¡± ¡°No.¡± ¡°Eat that first, and then I¡¯ll get you more¡ªoh, here comes the next cart.¡± He held up his hand again. Rice noodles filled with beef and drizzled with sweet soy sauce joined the buns. Dana¡¯s nose twitched. ¡°It was more of a brunch thing originally,¡± Jake said, ¡°and the more expensive dim sum joints aren¡¯t open in the evenings, but this one is. Eat up. You keep eating, and I¡¯ll keep ordering. And try the tea. It¡¯s good.¡± Dana took a bun and frowned. ¡°You really got the money for this?¡± ¡°Well ¡­ we might want to stick with the cheaper dishes¡ª¡± She sucked the bun down, apparently without chewing. Then she took another. A third she stuffed into her purse. ¡°C¡¯mon, Dana, it looks like you¡¯re swiping food¡ª¡± ¡°You¡¯re paying for it, aren¡¯t you?¡± ¡°Yeah, but ¡­ ah, forget it.¡± He held up his hand when the har gau, or steamed shrimp dumplings¡ªan essential dim sum dish¡ªrolled by. A plate of them soon lay on the table. Dana slurped one down. Jake poured a little chili oil on his plate and rolled his dumpling in it before he ate. Dana¡¯s eyes narrowed. She pointed at the oil bottle. ¡°Gimme that.¡± ¡°You okay with spicy¡ª?¡± She made that rasping noise. ¡°Okay, here you go.¡± He passed it to her. She doused a dumpling before she devoured it. She didn¡¯t so much as wince. He nodded in approval. Then she stuck the fourth dumpling in her purse. Jake sighed. ¡°How much can that little guy eat?¡± She shrugged and helped herself to the stuffed rice noodles, taking the whole dish and leaving him nothing. Around came the fried chicken feet, so Jake held up his hand again. He managed to grab one before Dana ate the rest. In just a couple of minutes, she had eaten enough to satisfy most people twice her size. He soon had more food on the table, and she kept eating. Jake had known she could eat a lot, but as he watched her pack away multiple dishes, he began to think that this wasn¡¯t the greatest idea. He started silently calculating the price of each item and then comparing it with the credits in his wallet. I¡¯m gonna end up washing dishes. Of course, that wasn¡¯t realistic. If he couldn¡¯t pay, he would make Dana stay at the table while he went to the nearest terminal to call home for a wire. That would be embarrassing, and he¡¯d have to explain to his parents why he had slinked off to New Beijing without telling them. Dana slurped up a plate of meatballs with tofu, and then she leaned across the table, ears red, and muttered, ¡°Hey, you said nobody would know me here!¡± ¡°What?¡± She pointed to a nearby table where a large family with seven children ranging from a babe in arms to a teen was getting seated. Among the kids was the little dark-haired girl from class. ¡°Oh,¡± said Jake, ¡°it¡¯s ¡­ uh ¡­ Rikka, right?¡± Dana put her elbows on the table and buried her face in her hands. ¡°She knows us! She¡¯s gonna see me eat and think we¡¯re doin¡¯ somethin¡¯ weird!¡± ¡°No she won¡¯t. It¡¯s none of her business.¡± ¡°That doesn¡¯t matter!¡± ¡°Just ignore her.¡± In an attempt to distract Dana, he ordered a plate of taro cakes. She took one, but only picked at it. He ate one himself and then leaned his cheek on one hand. ¡°So, are you this hungry all the time?¡± She chewed on her cake. ¡°It¡¯s pretty much¡ª¡± ¡°Don¡¯t talk with your mouth full.¡± ¡°Rrrr.¡± She swallowed and hissed, ¡°It¡¯s pretty much all the time, but especially after¡±¡ªshe glanced toward Rikka¡¯s table and lowered her voice¡ª¡°you know.¡± Jake looked at Rikka again and was surprised to see her staring directly at him, brow wrinkled and a deep frown on her face as she raised a cup of tea to her lips. Earlier in the day, when he had seen how she acted at school, he had thought that maybe she lost family during the attack. But she had a big family with her now, and her siblings were smiling and jabbering. Her parents looked tired, but otherwise okay. What is her problem? Dana downed a few more dishes, and now Jake got seriously worried. He pulled his wallet out of his back pocket, sorted through his credits, and said, ¡°We gotta stop.¡± She made that familiar rasping noise. ¡°I thought you said I could eat what I want.¡± ¡°Well ¡­ I exaggerated. I didn¡¯t realize quite how much you can eat.¡± Another cart rolled by with more bamboo steamer baskets. This time, Jake waved it away. Dana scooted back from the table and sighed. ¡°Oh, well. It is the biggest meal I¡¯ve had in a while.¡± She stuck her lip out. ¡°You¡¯re welcome.¡± ¡°I didn¡¯t say thank you.¡± ¡°You¡¯re welcome anyway.¡± She twisted her mouth and glanced again toward Rikka. Jake followed her gaze: the rest of Rikka¡¯s family talked and laughed and ate, but Rikka, even as she lifted a pair of loaded chopsticks toward her mouth, still glared daggers at Dana and Jake. What exactly is her problem?
Soon after, they were back on the street. Jake mournfully hefted his lightened wallet, which now held only a paltry few credits. ¡°That was months¡¯ worth,¡± he said. ¡°Get a job,¡± she replied. She stretched her arms over her head and skipped along the walkway. Then she wrapped her hands around a bollard and swung herself around it. Her lips turned up at the corners, just slightly. ¡°How are you feeling?¡± he asked. ¡°Almost full. It¡¯s a good feeling.¡± She skipped again, and she giggled. It wasn¡¯t Pretty Dynamo¡¯s ironic chuckle. It was honest, girlish laughter, like the tinkling of silver bells. She slapped a hand over her mouth, and her ears turned red. He said, ¡°I¡¯ve never seen you so full of energy.¡± ¡°Shut up!¡± ¡°And you¡¯re smiling.¡± She dropped her hands to her sides. ¡°I am not!¡± ¡°You are. You totally are. You should smile more.¡± Crossing her arms, she turned her back on him. ¡°Whatever. Now I hate you again. Buy me ice cream.¡± ¡°You brat.¡± ¡°Or you could buy me those candied fruits you wouldn¡¯t buy me earlier.¡± She stuck her nose in the air and walked several paces in front of him, swinging her arms and stomping her feet as she went. ¡°To make up for it.¡± ¡°Nope. I¡¯ve got about enough for bus fare.¡± ¡°You¡¯re old. Go tell ¡¯em you¡¯re old and get a job. Show ¡¯em your birth certificate or something.¡± ¡°Why? So I can buy you stuff?¡± ¡°Yes.¡± ¡°Why would I do that?¡± A stately Chinese flame tree grew through a round opening in the pavement. Dana grabbed one of its thick lower branches and dangled, nothing but her toes touching the ground. She turned her face toward him. Her shoulder hid her mouth and nose, and only her emerald-green eyes showed. ¡°Because I said so.¡± She¡¯s acting like a normal kid. All this time, was she really just ¡­ hungry? He shoved his wallet back into his pocket. Then he zipped up his jacket, as the night air was growing cool, and said, ¡°Okay, Dana. I¡¯ll get a job, or I¡¯ll figure out something else to make money.¡± She dropped her arms from the tree, and her eyes narrowed. ¡°Why?¡± ¡°Because I want you to keep smiling.¡± Half a minute passed while they stared at each other in silence. The crowd was still thick, and many people pushed past them, most staring at Dana as they went. But Dana never glanced at them. She kept her intense eyes fixed on Jake. As one, they turned when they heard screams up the street. A stall selling skewered chicken fell to the ground with a crash, flinging meat and hot charcoal across the pavement. A mob of panicked people ran their way, shouting incoherently. ¡°Dana!¡± Jake reached her in a few bounds, wrapped his arms around her, and dived behind the tree. Even so, one of the panicked runners¡ªa young woman probably in her twenties¡ªstruck his shoulder and rattled his teeth. She fell to the ground, and then the people behind stumbled over her. For a moment, Jake thought he was about to see more people crushed. Images of the zombie and the terror in that hellish shelter flashed through his mind. Dana beat her fists on his back. ¡°Let go!¡± ¡°Just a minute!¡± He felt something vibrate against his stomach. In a moment, he realized it was her blue pen. She must have had it in the inside pocket of her jacket. ¡°Let go!¡± she shouted again. ¡°But¡ª¡± ¡°Now!¡± He jumped back from her when he heard the crack of lightning, deafeningly loud. Wind rattled the leaves of the flame tree. Papers and debris blew up the street and pelted the panicked mob. Jake stepped around the tree, put a hand to his forehead to shield his eyes against the wind, and gaped. Although the night was clear, a black, angry storm cloud swirled above a three-story office building. Standing on the corner of the building¡¯s roof was a young businessman in a tattered, filthy, and unfashionable suit. His ugly tie whipped in the wind. Hovering at his shoulder was an impossibly huge bat the size of a dog. ¡°Hey,¡± said Jake, ¡°isn¡¯t that the guy we saw in Little India¡ª?¡± Dana stepped to his side. She whispered, ¡°Oh ¡­ oh no.¡± When the demoniac tipped his head back and laughed, a fresh burst of lightning cracked across the swirling clouds. With a sinister, monstrous grin spreading his mouth, he pointed a long, taloned finger directly at Jake and screamed, ¡°Your mother picks locks in hell!¡± ¡°Sweet Moon Princess,¡± Jake whispered. ¡°I am getting really, really tired of this junk.¡± Chapter 19: Demons and Delinquents The giant bat flapped his wings as he circled overhead. Lightning cracked, so for a moment he appeared as an ominous silhouette against a sky full of white fire. ¡°We have you right where we want you, Barfing Boy,¡± he cried in a squeaky voice, ¡°and your magical girlfriend can¡¯t save you!¡± He laughed. ¡°Where is your Princess now?¡± The bystanders in the street cowered. An elderly lady lifted her umbrella cane and pointed it at Jake with a shaky hand. ¡°Look! It is him! It¡¯s Barfing Boy!¡± Next to the old woman stood a young man with a big potbelly hanging over his sweatpants. Under his chin, his upper neck was hairy, as if he¡¯d forgotten to shave that part. His T-shirt was too small to cover the last few inches of his enormous stomach, and in pink letters it proclaimed, ¡°Magical girls do it in fancy outfits on live TV.¡± ¡°And look!¡± he cried as he pointed at Dana. ¡°Barfing Boy is two-timing Pretty Dynamo! Woo-hoo!¡± The onlookers gasped. Jake slapped a hand to his forehead. The demoniac tipped his head back and laughed maniacally at the swirling storm. Like a puppet pulled by invisible strings, he lifted into the air and floated down to the pavement. Screaming in terror, people scrambled over one another to escape him. A little boy fell on his face on the sidewalk and sobbed. A frantic woman scooped him up and disappeared in the press. The demoniac flexed his clawed fingers. His head spun on his neck while his joints crackled like an overexcited breakfast cereal. ¡°Inch by delectable inch,¡± he said in an eerily mellifluous voice as sharp fangs peeked out from behind his cracked lips, ¡°I will shred your skin, guiding my talons to avoid the major veins and arteries. Then I will dig into the muscles and sinews. Then twist until the bones crack. I will at last tear deeper, shredding organ after organ, moving from the most expendable to the most vital¡ªand once you have lost your mind from the exquisite agony, I will rip away your soul, drag you down into the darkness, and drown you in the lake of fire where you shall be my plaything for all eternity.¡± A cold sweat broke out on Jake¡¯s back. The demoniac bent his elbows backwards and then forwards again with sharp pops. He licked his lips with a bloated, purple tongue. ¡°My communicator pen rang,¡± Dana whispered, her voice trembling, ¡°so Sentinel knows he¡¯s here. The Temple must be sending a miko, but still¡ª¡± ¡°What do we do?¡± Jake whispered back. ¡°I don¡¯t know! I can¡¯t ¡­ I can¡¯t transform¡ª!¡± She clutched his arm. Her big eyes were plaintive. ¡°Run,¡± he hissed through clenched teeth. ¡°Run. I¡¯ll hold him off.¡± ¡°What? You can¡¯t¡ª!¡± ¡°Just go! Hurry!¡± She hesitated a moment, but then turned and, with sneakers clomping and arms flailing, sprinted up the street. No one moved out of her way, but she was small: she ducked under arms, dodged between legs, and soon disappeared. The demoniac stopped spinning his head. One by one, he bent the clawed fingers of each hand, producing more pops. Greenish saliva dripped from between his jagged teeth. ¡°Seems your new little tart can¡¯t take the heat. Should have stuck with the magical girl, eh?¡± Jake¡¯s pulse pounded hard in his temples. He flexed his fingers and clenched them into fists. ¡°Okay, pal¡ª¡± The demoniac released a deafening peal of mad laughter. ¡°What? Are you going to fight me? Me? Your mother eats chalk in hell!¡± He pointed one curved talon at the monitor on Jake¡¯s wrist. ¡°How can you fight against me, boy ¡­ when you¡¯re already mine?¡± Jake¡¯s ankle throbbed, sending a stab of pain straight up his leg and deep into his hip. He stumbled and sucked his breath between his teeth. The monitor uttered a loud, angry buzz. The gathered people shrieked in terror. The fat guy in the T-shirt fell to his knees and raised two thick, flabby arms toward the sky. ¡°Princess have mercy!¡± he cried. Sweat poured down Jake¡¯s face. No. No! It can¡¯t be ¡­ ! ¡°What¡¯s the matter?¡± the demoniac hissed, his drool now dripping off the end of his chin. He bent his knees backwards like a satyr¡¯s and stepped forward. ¡°Are your joints growing stiff? Is your flesh growing cold? Are you getting hungry? Hungry, perhaps ¡­ for brains?¡± Breathing hard, now drenched in sweat, Jake sank to the ground. At once, his mouth moistened at the thought: brains. Yes, brains. Creamy, sweet, delicious brains. Good anytime, hot or cold. Brain curry, brain tacos, fried brains, stewed brains, brains with scrambled eggs, brain sandwiches, brain meatballs! So many delicious, succulent, mouthwatering ways to eat brains¡ª! ¡°Brains,¡± Jake whispered, his whole body shuddering. A woman screamed. ¡°Yes,¡± the demoniac hissed as he drew closer. ¡°Yes, brains. Good ¡­ good. Give in to your hunger. With each passing moment, you make yourself more my servant. Let the haggis flow through you¡ª¡± The throbbing in his ankle suddenly ceased. Jake looked up and frowned. ¡°Haggis? Hold on, that¡¯s not made with brains¡ª¡± The demoniac stopped in his tracks and scratched his head. ¡°Are you sure? I could¡¯ve sworn¡ª¡± ¡°No, I¡¯m sure. It¡¯s a sheep¡¯s heart, lungs and liver. You mix it with onions and oatmeal, and you cook it in the sheep¡¯s stomach. I tried it once in Little Europe. It sounds disgusting, but it¡¯s actually¡ª¡± ¡°You could make it with brains, you know.¡± ¡°Well, okay, I guess you could, but that wouldn¡¯t be traditional¡ª¡± ¡°Fine, fine! Then let¡¯s just say haggis with brains. Let the haggis with brains flow¡ª¡± ¡°Look, man, you can mix brains into anything, but that doesn¡¯t mean you should.¡± ¡°Why not?¡± ¡°Well, would you eat, like, brain-flavored candy or something?¡± A moment passed as they stared at each other. ¡°I would, yeah.¡± ¡°That¡¯s gross, dude.¡± ¡°Oh, for the love of ¡­ do you want to eat brains or not?¡± Jake patted his stomach. He blinked a few times. ¡°I did a moment ago, but ¡­ hey, wait a second, how can I talk to you like this if I¡¯m turning into a zombie?¡± His wrist monitor immediately stopped buzzing, and the demoniac reeled back as if struck across the face. ¡°Curses! How can he see through my trickery and illusions?¡± He looked up to the bat still circling overhead and shrieked, ¡°This seemingly normal boy does indeed possess great power!¡± ¡°Not really,¡± said Jake as he dusted himself off and rose to his feet. ¡°You¡¯re just an idiot. And now that I think about it, I don¡¯t even like brains.¡± ¡°I¡¯ll brain you!¡± With a snarl, the demoniac leapt, claws extended. Jake scrambled backwards to dodge the murderous swipe, which missed his face but snagged his jacket and cut three shallow gashes into the denim. He landed hard on his bad ankle, which responded with a fresh, burning throb. Sucking his breath between his teeth, he staggered¡ªbut he didn¡¯t quite fall. The demoniac again ran his corpselike tongue across his lips. ¡°You are mine, boy! Your mother ducks blocks in hell, and now so will you!¡± Jake swallowed. The demoniac raised his hand overhead, and again the lightning flashed. The gawking bystanders shrank down as the thunder roared like a cannon blast, rattling windows. The noise bounced between the skyscrapers in a crazy echo. But as the sound of thunder faded, a clear voice said¡ª ¡°Hold it right there, tough guy.¡± A girl¡¯s voice. The demoniac paused, claws sill pointed skyward. His mouth twitched with the beginnings of a fresh smile. A murmur swept through the crowd. People whispered and waved wildly. They peered over one another¡¯s shoulders, trying to find the source of that voice. ¡°She¡¯s here!¡± yelled the fat guy, still on his knees. ¡°Thank the Princess, we¡¯re saved!¡± Pretty Dynamo shouldered aside a couple of young women and stepped out into the street, fists on hips and a cocky grin on her face. On her shoulder sat Tesla, who happily munched a steamed pork bun as if he had no other cares in the world. The fat guy slumped. ¡°Oh, it¡¯s her. I was expecting ¡­ oh, well. Hey, Dynamo!¡± he shouted. ¡°I just saw your boyfriend on a date with some emo redhead chick!¡± Dynamo rolled her eyes. The bat soared down out of the air and landed heavily. Once he was on the ground, balanced on his stubby legs with his long wings looking like misplaced tarps fluttering against the asphalt, he was decidedly unimpressive. His wet, pig-like snout twitched, and he bunched up his claws in a fist and shook them. ¡°Accursed Pretty Dynamo! My mistress will have her revenge for what you¡¯ve done to her!¡± Dynamo raised one blue eyebrow. ¡°What the zap are you talking about?¡± ¡°Ha! Don¡¯t feign ignorance with me! As if any human being could be unaware of your ultimate nemesis, the bringer of your destruction, the one who will at last cleanse the earth of your accursed race¡ªthe Dark Queen!¡± The people muttered and whispered to one another. A few scratched their heads. The fat guy belched. Dynamo glanced at Jake with a bemused frown, and he merely shrugged. ¡°Sorry,¡± said Dynamo. ¡°The dark what now?¡± The bat stamped his feet. ¡°The Queen! The Dark Queen!¡± He looked back and forth from Jake to Dynamo. ¡°You know ¡­ mistress of all that is base and wicked?¡± Jake and Dynamo shook their heads. ¡°Um ¡­ lady of all that is grotesque and perverse?¡± ¡°Nope,¡± said Dynamo. ¡°Sorry.¡± ¡°How about sovereign ruler of the especially ill-tempered?¡± ¡°Never heard of her,¡± said Jake. ¡°Come on!¡± the bat shouted. ¡°You have to have¡ª¡± ¡°Look, whatever,¡± said Dynamo. ¡°Enough talk. Let¡¯s kill each other.¡± ¡°I couldn¡¯t agree more,¡± hissed the demoniac as he twisted all of his fingers backwards. Wincing from the pain in his ankle, Jake stepped shakily to Dynamo¡¯s side. ¡°I thought you can¡¯t fight this guy.¡± ¡°The boss wants me to distract him until an exorcist gets here,¡± she replied through clenched teeth. ¡°Can you do that?¡± ¡°We¡¯ll find out.¡± She pulled her wand from her belt. ¡°Lightning Rod!¡± Once her wand expanded into a spear, she spun it in her hands. The demoniac snorted. ¡°You come against me with mere toys? Mortal weapons are useless against me, Magical Girl Pretty Dynamo! If you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you can possibly¡ª¡± ¡°Put a sock in it.¡± With a whoop, Dynamo leapt in and, two handed, swiped the blade of her spear toward his neck, cutting savagely from left to right in a quarter circle. He nimbly dived backwards onto his hands to dodge, but instead of flipping over again onto his feet, curled his body up into a writhing ball of distorted limbs. Dynamo bent her knees, directed her spear tip to the ground, and then lifted, aiming to scoop the blade up into his body. But before she could impale him, he shot upright like a coiled spring, slid out of her reach, and landed lithely on his backward-bending legs. Tucking the shaft under her right arm, Dynamo planted the butt of her spear on the ground. ¡°Not bad,¡± she said. ¡°You¡¯re quick.¡± ¡°You¡¯re dead.¡± With a series of rapid spin kicks, he forced himself forward and then, still spinning, stretched out his arms to shred her with his claws. She deflected with her left forearm, and her vambrace screeched as his talons clattered across it. She kicked up the butt of her spear with her right foot, bent low, and thrust one-handed toward his twirling torso. Again, like some maniacal contraption of hinges and springs, he turned and contorted and moved beyond her reach. Spinning the spear to deflect any fresh attacks, Dynamo stepped forward, slid her left foot out, bent her right knee hard, and dropped low. Again she thrust, this time toward his legs. He leapt high, turned in a semicircle in midair, and bent his body over backwards like an expert diver leaving the board. He aimed his claws for the unprotected top of her head. Dynamo flattened the spear to the ground and barrel-rolled along its length. Once she was out from under the plummeting demoniac, she returned to her feet, but remained in a low crouch. She made a two-handed thrust toward his face. He bent his neck hard and brought the back of his skull down between his shoulder blades. The spear missed him by a hairsbreadth as he landed in a crouch of his own. With an angry buzz, electricity arced from the blade and struck his throat. Shrieking loudly enough to make Jake¡¯s ears ring, he reeled back, windmilled his arms, and landed hard on his rump. Dynamo snapped upright, again tucked the spear under her arm with its butt on the ground, and gave a sarcastic salute. ¡°Enough,¡± he said, wiping his mouth as he climbed to his feet. He raked a claw down one cheek, producing a thick stream of red blood. ¡°Now I will show you my true power!¡± He rose into the air and spread his arms wide. The huge bat flew up and hovered above him. The ground shook. Women screamed. Mothers grabbed their children and tried to shield them with their arms, though they didn¡¯t know from what. A second-story window blew out and pelted the people with shards of glass. Several food stalls fell over with the ear-piercing crash of metal dishware and the staccato bang of breaking pottery. Deep-fried foods scattered across the pavement. A crack appeared in the fa?ade of an office building, and fresh lightning flashed across the sky. In the center of the street, directly beneath the demoniac¡¯s hovering dress shoes, a circle three feet wide glowed bright red. The air above it waved and shimmered like the air above a furnace. ¡°Behold!¡± he shouted. ¡°Soon, you shall all give talks in hell! Just like your mothers!¡± Within the red circle, the road cracked, and a depression formed. Then it caved in, and bright red flames licked out of the hole. Pavement around the rim of the hole glistened and then crumbled away like ice falling from the side of a melting glacier. Steadily, the hole grew: it was five feet wide, then ten, then fifteen. The heat grew as well until the asphalt no longer crumbled, but liquefied. It poured into the pit. The flames shot higher and roared like a typhoon. Heat pressed against Jake¡¯s face and stung his eyes and nose as if he had drawn too close to a hot stove. With the heat came the stink of tar and sulfur mixed with the gag-inducing stench of sewage and burning flesh, a stench that shot straight into his sinuses and sent him into a violent fit of coughing. The demoniac shrieked, ¡°All of New Beijing will become an outpost of hell!¡± With screams of sheer terror, the people turned and ran. They shoved one another, scrambled over one another. Children and the elderly stumbled and fell while others tripped on them, stomped on them. It was the shelter all over again, but on a larger scale. Somewhere, under the screams and curses and tramping feet, Jake heard the forlorn bawling of a small child¡ª More lightning cracked, and the heat knocked Jake back as if he¡¯d struck a wall. He put up an arm to protect his face. ¡°What do we do?¡± he shouted over the roar of the flames and the groans of the crowd. Even Pretty Dynamo, with her enhanced body, had sweat pouring from her face and a hand raised in a vain attempt to protect herself. Tesla crawled around behind her head. ¡°I don¡¯t know!¡± she shouted back. ¡°We don¡¯t have the proper magic to reverse his spell!¡± Tesla yelled as he adjusted his glasses. ¡°We need an exorcist!¡± The demoniac raised a hand and pointed one long, razor-sharp talon toward a knot of writhing, panicking people. The fat guy in the T-shirt, who was trying to push past a couple of old women, fell to the ground with a loud whump and slid backwards as if an invisible rope pulled him. He scrabbled at the pavement, scattering pebbles as he dug his nails into the asphalt. He tore her fingertips to bloody shreds and left red streaks across the ground as he drew nearer to the lip of the fiery pit.Unauthorized duplication: this tale has been taken without consent. Report sightings. ¡°No!¡± he screamed. ¡°No! No! Not that! Anything but that!¡± Jake ran to him, grabbed him wrists, and leaned back, pulling as hard as he could. The man¡¯s blood ran down Jake¡¯s forearms and mingled with the sweat as his ruined fingers twitched and writhed like landed fish. Jake felt the man¡¯s arms go limp as his shoulders left their sockets, but still he slid toward the mouth of hell. Jake¡¯s feet slipped against the pavement. He leaned farther, fell hard on his backside, and then slid along the ground as well. ¡°Let him go!¡± Dynamo shouted. The demoniac merely laughed. ¡°Ball Lightning!¡± A white sphere shot from Dynamo¡¯s hand, but it dissipated in the air before it reached its target. ¡°You are powerless!¡± he sneered. ¡°You can do nothing but watch as I drag these people one by one into hell!¡± Jake felt an invisible rope seize his own ankle. The rough pavement tore his pants and jacket. Pebbles dug into his skin. He met Dynamo¡¯s eyes for a moment: she stared at him, mouth hanging open, with that same familiar look¡ªthe look of a deer in the headlights, the look of intense fear. He finally realized what that look meant. He didn¡¯t claw uselessly at the pavement. Instead, he crossed his arms over his chest, closed his eyes, and let his mind go blank. So this is it, the fate of a sidekick. I can¡¯t say they didn¡¯t warn me¡ª From the air, amplified even over the screams of despair and the howl of the fire, he heard a confident, calm voice: ¡°No, no. I no tink so. Ain¡¯t nobody allowed to raise hell ¡¯round here ¡¯cept me.¡± At once, the magical rope on Jake¡¯s leg released, and the flames shrank out of sight. The opening in the pavement still glowed like smoldering coals, but it ceased to roar. Jake took to his feet, grabbed the fat man under his arms in spite of his weak protests and struggles, and dragged him back from the edge of the pit. He looked up. Hovering in the air was a teenage girl with spiky pink hair sticking out from under her bike helmet. She wore a sports bra made from what looked like white plastic, along with a white wraparound skirt over black bicycle shorts. Tied at her lower back was a big, pink bow. Huge boots of white plastic, jointed to allow her to bend her ankles, stretched almost up to her knees. From the back of her bra extended four white panels vaguely shaped like an airplane¡¯s wings, and the underside of each wing glowed with green lights. She had her fists on her hips and wore a broad, confident smile. Perched on her shoulder, gripping her with its claws for dear life, was a red tanuki, the raccoon dog of Japan. Shouts of joy and hope rose from the crowd. People stopped crawling over one another in mindless panic. Instead, those who were still whole lifted the injured and pulled them back from danger. Mothers gathered up their sobbing children. ¡°Magical Girl Sukeban Tsubasa!¡± the demoniac cried. ¡°Dat¡¯s right.¡± Both she and the demoniac dropped to the ground a mere twenty feet from Jake. Strangling a groan, he heaved again to drag the injured man farther back. The wings folded into Tsubasa¡¯s shoulders, and her tanuki leapt nimbly to the pavement. Her jaw worked rhythmically, and she made a curious snapping sound. Then she blew a pink bubble out of her mouth. ¡°Fool!¡± the demoniac snarled. ¡°You think a magical girl like you can fight me? Your mother takes walks in hell!¡± Her bubble popped. ¡°Oh ho!¡± she said as she sucked her gum back in. ¡°Sick burn, dude!¡± ¡°You are the one who will burn, Tsubasa!¡± He flexed his claws. She waved a hand back and forth. ¡°No, no, no. Don¡¯t change da subjec¡¯. I tink we keep talkin¡¯ ¡¯bout da mamas ¡­ like how de call yo mama AM radio cuz she easy t¡¯ pick up at night.¡± The demoniac¡¯s mouth fell open. His face turned red. He shook. ¡°What ¡­ what did you just say about my mother?¡± She put her hands behind her head, stretched her back, and blew another bubble. ¡°Nuttin¡¯. Nuttin¡¯ a-tall. Hey, where you come from, ain¡¯t dere some guy dey call ¡®lord o¡¯ da flies¡¯?¡± His eyes narrowed. ¡°Yes ¡­ Beelzebub. He¡¯s a very good friend of mine¡ª¡± ¡°Well, yo mama so nasty, he had ta give up ¡¯is title!¡± The demoniac snarled in rage and ripped clumps of hair out of his head, leaving behind bloody patches of torn flesh. ¡°What? Why you ¡­ ! Your mother ¡­ !¡± ¡°Yeah? Yeah?¡± Eyes wide, Tsubasa jumped up and down and clapped her hands together. ¡°C¡¯mon, zap me back! Zap me back!¡± His face turned bright purple. His mouth opened impossibly wide, and green drool ran in rivulets down his chin and neck. He writhed and drew his claws down his chest, shredding his suit and bringing up more blood. ¡°Your mother ¡­ your mother ¡­ is so fat ¡­ !¡± ¡°Yeah? C¡¯mon, hit me wit¡¯ it!¡± He clenched his fists and shook as sweat poured down his forehead. Finally, he cried, ¡°¡­ That she darns socks in hell!¡± Tsubasa slumped. ¡°Aw, is dat all you got? She only darnin¡¯ dem socks cuz yo mama needs ¡¯em for her combat boots.¡± The demoniac dropped to his knees, opened his mouth to the sky, and released a high-pitched, incoherent scream. Jake knelt by the man he¡¯d pulled back from the pit. The man stared at the pavement and breathed in shallow gasps. His skin was clammy and pale. Dynamo stepped to Tsubasa¡¯s side and put a hand on her shoulder. ¡°C¡¯mon, Tsubasa, magical girls like you an¡¯ me can¡¯t fight this guy. We gotta wait for a miko¡ª¡± Tsubasa laughed. ¡°What? Dyna-wyna, you can¡¯t handle dis guy? He not so tough.¡± ¡°You don¡¯t get it. He¡¯s a demon. That¡¯s just his host body¡ª¡± Tsubasa clucked her tongue and waved a finger in Dynamo¡¯s face. ¡°Tsubasa,¡± said the tanuki in a squeaky voice as he twiddled his little claws together, ¡°y-you should use t-the Aetheric Disruptor Cannon!¡± ¡°Ah yeah,¡± said Tsubasa as she pumped a fist. ¡°Da Ghoster Toaster! Comin¡¯ right up!¡± Tears ran from the tanuki¡¯s eyes. He sniffled. Wiping a furry wrist against his nose, he cried, ¡°It¡¯s c-called an Aetheric Disruptor Cannon! S-s-stop ch-changing the names of all your w-weapons!¡± He fell back on his haunches, put his bunched forepaws to his eyes, and sobbed. Ignoring him, Tsubasa extended her right arm. Her thick bracelet split in half, and one half shot up to her elbow. Tubes, wires, plates, and other mechanical components unfolded themselves as if growing out of her arm or appearing from thin air. A control panel full of buttons, switches, and blinking lights sprouted on the inside of her wrist. A huge tube encased her hand and then expanded until it was three feet long. The demoniac snorted. ¡°Weapons like yours are powerless against me.¡± ¡°Oh? You no mind if I do dis, den?¡± With a loud whomp, the cannon fired, and Tusbasa¡¯s shoulder jerked backwards. A sphere of blue gel struck the demoniac in the chest, knocking him to the ground. The gel drenched his torso and splattered across the pavement. Shaking his head, he sat up and lifted one hand. Goo dribbled from it. ¡°You ¡­ you slimed me.¡± ¡°Ah yeah. Dat just a stabilizin¡¯ solution for da nanoprobes.¡± ¡°Nanoprobes?¡± He rose to his feet. ¡°You think you can defeat me with nanoprobes?¡± The tanuki wiped his eyes and sniffed. ¡°Th-these n-nanoprobes release ultrasonic v-vibrations capable of disrupting spiritual energies w-within a half-meter radius! Right now, they¡¯re analyzing y-your specific wavelength!¡± The demoniac¡¯s sneer collapsed, and his strangely elastic jaw sagged. ¡°You can¡¯t possibly¡ª¡± A green light blinked at Tsubasa¡¯s enclosed wrist. ¡°Oh look,¡± she said. ¡°Dey done.¡± The demoniac arched his back, threw his arms out to either side, and screamed. He staggered backwards and then fell to the ground with a wet splat. He rolled back and forth, scrabbling at his body as if slapping stinging insects. He dragged his claws down his chest and across his stomach, shredding what remained of his suit and raising more blood. ¡°Tsubasa!¡± the tanuki cried. ¡°S-stop him or he¡¯ll k-kill his host!¡± Tsubasa raised her left arm. With a whir, a spinning disc grew out of her bracelet. It made a muffled thud as it shot two bolas. Each bola was a pair of balls with a thin length of rope between: they enwrapped the demoniac¡¯s wrists, and then the balls fired tiny hooks into the pavement. Attached to the hooks where lengths of wire, which wound into the bolas and pinned the demoniac¡¯s wrists to the ground. ¡°No!¡± he shrieked. ¡°Stop! Make it stop!¡± ¡°Da powah o¡¯ nanotechnology compels you!¡± Tsubasa shouted. She pressed a button on the side of her cannon, apparently to increase the strength of the probes¡¯ vibrations, as the demoniac redoubled his screaming. ¡°You,¡± he cried, ¡°you ¡­ your mother sucks at betting on cockfights in hell!¡± Tsubasa chuckled. ¡°My mama prefers dogfightin¡¯!¡± She pressed another button, and the demoniac released one final scream that went on and on until it grew shrill and distant like the mournful cry of the red-tailed hawk. Then it grew higher still until it became a whine, just on the edge of the audible range, that set Jake¡¯s teeth on edge. With a final thrash, he at last lay still, his face ashen. His fingers twitched feebly as the claws at their tips shrank like icicles in the sun until they disappeared. His joints, too, returned to normal. There was no obvious shifting, and there were no more pops and cracks of straining bones and aggravated sinews: instead, his body melted into a normal shape, as if its bizarre contortions had been some optical trick that was now fading. Overhead, the storm clouds broke up, and the stars shone through clear and cold. The bat, who had been circling all this time, paused and flapped his wings furiously as he shouted, ¡°You may have won this round, but we¡¯ll get you next time! We¡¯ll get you next time, Magical Girl Pretty Dynamo!¡± With those words, he disappeared in a flash of white light. Jake ran forward, and Tsubasa turned toward him. For a moment, her eyes went wide, and she skipped backwards out of his way. Dynamo stepped in his path, put a hand to his chest, and stopped him in his tracks. With a firm shove, she forced him to step back. ¡°Wait,¡± she said. The gigantic cannon whirred and clattered as it folded back into Tsubasa¡¯s bracelet. She gave Jake and Dynamo a wide berth as she walked to the demoniac. Staying a few feet from him, she went up on her toes and leaned over. ¡°He breedin¡¯,¡± she said. It took Jake a moment to realize she meant breathing. The former demoniac stirred. Slowly, waving his hands feebly as if trying to sense his surroundings with his fingertips, he sat up. Sucking in her breath, Tsubasa skittered away from him. With a series of clicks, Dynamo¡¯s spear turned back into a wand, and she returned it to her belt. She walked to the man and knelt over him. ¡°P-Pretty Dynamo?¡± he croaked. He turned his head back and forth, eyes glassy. ¡°Lie down,¡± she said. ¡°You¡¯ve been through a lot. There¡¯ll be an ambulance here soon.¡± Jaw slack and brow wrinkled, he obeyed. He didn¡¯t resist as Dynamo gently lowered his shoulders back to the pavement. She nodded her chin toward Jake. ¡°Gimme your jacket.¡± He walked toward her. Tsubasa took several more steps backwards to stay away from him. He frowned. Dynamo took his denim jacket and draped it over the man¡¯s shoulders. Then she turned to the man in the ridiculous T-shirt, spoke to him for half a minute, and convinced him to lie down as well. Dynamo borrowed a few articles of clothing from the bystanders to cover him and elevate his feet. Then she moved on to the trampling victims. Someone had enough presence of mind to raid the nearby shops for first aid kits, so gauze, bandages, and splints soon appeared. Jake helped with the first aid treatment: it was comforting to do something so familiar, something schoolteachers had made him practice over and over for all of his life. The gaping hole in the center of the street was cooling. Smoke puffed from it, but the gate to hell had apparently closed. People chattered. Some sat in exhaustion. Some stood and animatedly waved their hands as they whispered to one another. Others, more curious and bent on causing problems, surged forward to where the former demoniac lay. Tsubasa shrank back and looked around in apparent desperation, but Dynamo hauled her spear out again, spun it once, and pointed it threateningly. ¡°Back! Everybody back! Give us some room here!¡± They obeyed. Several minutes passed. Ambulances, firetrucks, and police cars, lights flashing and sirens blaring, soon arrived. The police told anyone who wasn¡¯t looking for missing family or helping the injured to move along or risk arrest. The ambulances gathered the victims. Firemen assisted the EMTs, and a few of them examined the hole in the street. Reporters arrived soon after. They set up cameras, grabbed anyone they could for an interview, shoved microphones into random faces, and generally made a nuisance of themselves. After the reporters had set up, a magical miko, clad in haori and hakama and straddling a motorbike, arrived from the Temple. She spoke to Tsubasa briefly and looked chagrined that she had missed her chance to perform an exorcism. Nonetheless, she set about reciting chants and slapping strips of paper onto the fa?ades of nearby buildings to purify the area. Several pressmen shouted questions at Tsubasa and ran toward her. With her tanuki again perched on her shoulder, she nimbly dipped and dodged and slid out of the reporters¡¯ grasp like oil running through a man¡¯s fingers. She made it look effortless, almost accidental. At first, Jake thought that she simply didn¡¯t want to talk to the press, but then he noticed that she somehow, in her dodging, managed always to keep a woman between herself and any of the men trying to talk to her. First it was a woman running a camera, then an elderly woman with an umbrella cane who was still in the street in spite of the cops¡¯ orders to clear out, then Pretty Dynamo, then a female medic setting the broken bones in a woman¡¯s leg. Once, in this clever game of keep-away, she came within twenty feet of Jake, so he decided to experiment. He walked toward her and said, ¡°Hey, Tsubasa¡ª¡± Without even looking in his direction, she slipped away from him as easily as she slipped from the reporters, and he soon found a knot of middle school girls, sobbing into handkerchiefs and hugging one another, between him and her. Hmm. Finally, a young woman, clad in a trench coat and with blond hair probably held in place by a whole can of hairspray, put an arm around Tsubasa¡¯s shoulders and a microphone to her mouth. Another, frumpier woman eagerly ogled them with a camera. Jake realized that this reporter was Barbara, the same who had interviewed Tsubasa on television the night before. Tsubasa¡¯s shoulders visibly relaxed. ¡°Sukeban Tsubasa,¡± Barbara said in a motherly tone, ¡°how did you do it?¡± Tsubasa reaffixed her confident grin and crossed her arms over her chest. ¡°T¡¯weren¡¯t nuttin¡¯. A bit o¡¯ da bing an¡¯ a bit o¡¯ da bang¡ªan¡¯ den boom.¡± ¡°Of course. But it appears that you¡¯re not on the Threat Assessment Board¡¯s registered list of exorcists. How do you account¡ª?¡± ¡°Oh, yeah, dat¡¯s right.¡± Tsubasa seized the microphone and took a step forward as she pointed a finger toward Pretty Dynamo. ¡°Dyna-wyna,¡± she shouted loudly. Medics, police, and bystanders stopped what they were doing and looked her way. ¡°Dyna-wyna,¡± she shouted again, ¡°your day¡¯s ovah. Dere¡¯s a new champion in Urbanopolis, an¡¯ dat champion is dis girl!¡± She pointed a thumb at herself for emphasis. ¡°I got da powah, I got da guns, I got da looks, an¡¯ I got da ¡¯tude. All you got is Jack, an¡¯ I¡¯ma take him, too!¡± She nodded and winked toward Jake. ¡°Hey, Jack.¡± ¡°My name¡¯s not Jack!¡± He walked toward her, and her grin slipped. Before he could reach her, the woman with the camera casually, as if merely adjusting for a better angle, got in his path. Tsubasa¡¯s grin returned in full force. ¡°You hear dat, Pretty Dynamo?¡± she yelled. ¡°I¡¯ma stealin¡¯ your boyfriend!¡± Several people cheered and clapped. A couple of teenage boys gave each other a high-five. Pretty Dynamo scowled. ¡°You hear dat? You hear dat?¡± Tsubasa turned to the people behind her. ¡°Pretty Dynamo? More like Pretty Dyna-NO!¡± The cheers grew louder. A young man put his hands to his mouth and hollered something incoherent. ¡°More like Pretty dumb Dynamo! More like Pretty lame Dynamo!¡± She danced back and forth, swinging one arm to whip up the crowd. The people burst into applause. Dynamo clenched her fists and ground her teeth as her ears turned red. Finally, she pointed a finger at Tsubasa and shouted, ¡°Big talk for a girl whose name starts with suck!¡± At once, the onlookers quieted. ¡°Oh ho!¡± said Tsubasa, turning back toward her. ¡°Sick burn!¡± Dynamo stomped forward. She jerked a thumb at her chest. ¡°Nine point oh, Tsubasa! Nine point oh! Highest competency rating in Urbanopolis! What have you got?¡± Tsubasa waved a hand in airy dismissal. ¡°I just startin¡¯ out, Dyna-wyna, but Magical Girl Sukeban Tsubasa¡¯s gonna be a perfect ten!¡± Tense murmurs ran through the crowd. ¡°You think you¡¯re better¡¯n me?¡± snarled Dynamo. ¡°Prove it!¡± Tsubasa¡¯s toothy grin grew wider. ¡°You wanna go?¡± ¡°You bet I do!¡± ¡°You an¡¯ me, Dyna-wyna. You an¡¯ me! One on one, no holds barred!¡± The murmurs grew louder. Dynamo hesitated, taking a couple of deep breaths. But then she said, ¡°You name the time and place, Tsubasa. I¡¯ll be there.¡± Tesla scrambled up onto her shoulder and patted a claw against her cheek. ¡°Dyna, I don¡¯t think that¡¯s¡ª¡± ¡°Shut up, Tesla.¡± The tanuki slapped a paw repeatedly against Tsubasa¡¯s helmet. ¡°Tsubasa!¡± he cried as tears ran down his face. ¡°You sh-shouldn¡¯t fight with other m-m-magical girls!¡± Tsubasa merely patted him on the head, and he burst into fresh sobs. ¡°It¡¯s a deal, Dyna-wyna. We two have it out¡ªan¡¯ da prize is dat guy.¡± She pointed at Jake. He swallowed hard. She stretched her arms behind her head and flexed the taut muscles of her stomach while flashing him her smile. ¡°But I tink your boy dere knows he don¡¯ need none o¡¯ dat when he can get him some o¡¯ dis.¡± Dang, thought Jake, she really does have a great body¡ª ¡°Him an¡¯ me,¡± she continued, ¡°we gonna do all kinds o¡¯ bad stuff t¡¯gedder. We gonna hang out behind da mall, we gonna wear trench coats, we gonna sneak inta R-rated movies widdout tellin¡¯ our parents¡ª¡± Everyone nearby gasped and drew back. Old men solemnly shook their heads. Police officers scowled and fingered their sidearms. A woman put her wrist to her forehead and fainted into the arms of a fireman. ¡°Please,¡± Barbara pleaded as she tried in vain to take her microphone back, ¡°Tsubasa, we¡¯re live! You can¡¯t say things like that on TV!¡± ¡°It¡¯s moral degeneracy!¡± an old lady shouted as she shook her umbrella. ¡°What example is Sukeban Tsubasa setting for the youth of our city?¡± Sheesh, they¡¯re really eating this up. The tanuki on Tsubasa¡¯s shoulder, with tears streaming down his face, reached out and, fumbling with his tiny paws, grabbed hold of the mike. He spun around and handed it to Barbara with obvious relief. Once she had it back, Barbara turned to the camera, patted her hair, cleared her throat, and restored her fake smile. ¡°There you have it!¡± she announced. ¡°The first one-on-one magical girl grudge match in almost twenty years! Urbanopolis hasn¡¯t seen a conflict like this since Antidote White and Antidote Black leveled half of Northside while arguing over whose puppy was cutest. Who will win in this battle of the ages? Will it be Sukeban Tsubasa, the bad girl of magical girls? Or perhaps Pretty Dynamo, the electrical spectacle? And I¡¯m sure some of the younger males in the audience are wondering: will mud or Jell-O be involved?¡± ¡°Ew!¡± said Dynamo. ¡°Awesome!¡± said Tsubasa. The crowd, hooting and hollering, surged forward. Men, women and children shouted questions, heedless of the police who bellowed at them to stay back. The grin disappeared from Tsubasa¡¯s face. She snapped her head back and forth, but, seeing no exit, extended the glowing wings from her back and rose into the air. ¡°See ya later, alligators!¡± she shouted. She made the sign of the Moon Princess and gave Jake another wink before she sped off. Then it was all Jake could do to keep from being crushed as people pressed in on him from every side, yelling incoherently. Reporters demanded answers. Someone slammed the edge of a shoe into his bruised ankle, making him wince.
It was well after midnight when Jake headed home. Unable to fly, Dynamo couldn¡¯t get away to change back into Dana. In the end, she told him to go home by himself. Then she grew cross when he tried to argue. Before he left, he counted out her share of the bus fare from his paltry remaining credits and entrusted it to Tesla. Well aware that he was in trouble, he made no effort to sneak in. He simply stepped over the threshold and met his parents¡¯ solemn gaze when they silently turned toward him. They sat on the couch in front of the television, which displayed news coverage of Tsubasa¡¯s challenge to Pretty Dynamo. Jake was onscreen, looking battered and bewildered. The lights were off, and the television¡¯s funereal light cast a pallor over his parents¡¯ faces. His father¡¯s glasses were opaque, his expression unreadable. His mother¡¯s eyes were puffy and red. They didn¡¯t say anything, so Jake simply sighed, walked upstairs, brushed his teeth, climbed into his pajamas, and fell into bed. Only then did he realize that he hadn¡¯t called Chelsea today. Guiltily, he got up, dialed her voice mail from the hall phone, and left her a message before crawling back under his covers. He was exhausted, but wide-awake. He stared at the ceiling. There were glow-in-the-dark star stickers up there. Those had really excited him when he¡¯d got them, back when he was eight years old: back then, he had thought that, once he had those stickers, the bed would be like a spaceship, and he would go on a wild adventure every night. It never really worked out that way. His mother walked in. She sat down on the edge of the bed and placed a hand on his shoulder. She was silent for a full minute. ¡°I wanted a son,¡± she said at last. ¡°I wanted a son because I didn¡¯t want my children involved in ¡­¡± Her voice cracked. He swallowed twice to find his own voice before he said, ¡°I¡¯m sorry, Mom.¡± ¡°Why were you downtown again?¡± ¡°Because¡ª¡± He stopped. He couldn¡¯t think of a simple way to end the sentence. Because I wanted Pretty Dynamo to get a full meal for once. ¡°Just because.¡± ¡°Jake¡ª¡± ¡°I¡¯m sorry, Mom. I don¡¯t understand what¡¯s happening. I really don¡¯t.¡± She sighed and rubbed her temples. ¡°But you were there with Pretty Dynamo? You were there because of her, weren¡¯t you?¡± He thought that over for a minute. Finally, he said, ¡°Yes.¡± ¡°Then maybe I understand what¡¯s happening.¡± He turned his face to look at her. All he could see in the darkness was her silhouette, black and unreadable like a paper cutout. ¡°Jake, do you remember, when you were younger, how you used to go over to Ralph¡¯s all the time to play? Of course, Ralph has all those sisters. By the time he was ten, that boy could change a diaper or sling a baby on his hip ¡­ when you came home, do you remember what you always said to me?¡± He ran his tongue around the inside of his mouth. ¡°What?¡± ¡°You said, ¡®Mom, how come I don¡¯t have a little sister to take care of?¡¯¡± He turned his head and stared at the glow-in-the-dark stars again. They were fading quickly. They hadn¡¯t absorbed much light. ¡°I said that?¡± ¡°Yes. Several times.¡± She squeezed his shoulder. ¡°You know your father and I wanted more children. I didn¡¯t want daughters, I admit, but¡ª¡± ¡°You don¡¯t have to explain, Mom.¡± ¡°Jake, are you still looking for a sister?¡± ¡°I don¡¯t know what I¡¯m doing, Mom. I really don¡¯t.¡± She squeezed his shoulder again before she rose. He could hear the fabric of her dress swish as she walked to the door. ¡°You better figure it out, kid. You better figure it out soon.¡± ¡°I know.¡± The door clicked and creaked as it opened and closed. He was alone. He touched his face and was surprised to find that his cheeks were wet. Chapter 20: Played Five blocks north of Jake¡¯s house, the residences of Juban gave way to shops and strip malls. The shopping district was a tidy, modern section of town with wide sidewalks and glassed-in storefronts, and it even boasted several parking lots, since an unusually large number of Juban¡¯s residents owned cars. At nine forty-five on Saturday morning, Jake walked up the street and, with his hands in the pockets of a blue windbreaker, loitered on a corner. He had a few loose coins in his pocket, the only money left after the night before. He knew he was in trouble. Ralph arrived at exactly ten. ¡°Hey,¡± Ralph said. ¡°Hey.¡± Also with hands in pockets, he stood at Jake¡¯s side. For almost a minute, the two of them watched the traffic slide by before Ralph said, ¡°I saw you on TV last night.¡± Jake grunted. ¡°Two magical girls fighting over you. Man¡ª¡± ¡°Don¡¯t start, Ralph. First of all, Pretty Dynamo isn¡¯t fighting over me. Only Tsubasa is, and she¡¯s only doing it to get at Dynamo.¡± Ralph kicked at the pavement. ¡°Y¡¯know, this sucks.¡± ¡°Tell me about it¡ª¡± ¡°It sucks that all the superpowered girls run after you, but you can¡¯t appreciate it.¡± Jake sighed and rubbed his temples. He felt the first twinges of an oncoming headache. ¡°It only looks cool on TV, Ralph. Up close, it¡¯s ¡­¡± He trailed off. ¡°It¡¯s what?¡± ¡°It¡¯s different. That¡¯s all.¡± He checked his watch. ¡°Seen Chelsea?¡± ¡°Not today. You called her?¡± ¡°Well ¡­ yeah.¡± ¡°When?¡± ¡°When I got home.¡± Ralph tipped his head back and groaned. ¡°Jake, seriously¡ª¡± ¡°I¡¯m sorry, man. I¡¯ll do better.¡± ¡°I¡¯m not the one you should apologize to.¡± ¡°Yeah, but apologizing to you is easier.¡± He shoved his hands deeper into his pockets. ¡°I¡¯m really not trying to be a jerk here, but life¡¯s been complicated¡ª¡± ¡°And those complications forced you to go all the way to New Beijing with another girl?¡± ¡°Kind of.¡± ¡°For what? What exactly were you doing there with Pretty Dynamo?¡± Jake chewed the inside of his cheek for half a minute. ¡°I can¡¯t tell you.¡± Ralph hunched his shoulders. ¡°It really looks like you¡¯re two-timing Chelsea.¡± Poplars lined the street. A sudden breeze blew through them and scattered their dry leaves, which slid along the sidewalk with a faint hiss. ¡°I know,¡± Jake said.
Chelsea herself appeared soon after dressed in a long, tan cardigan, a white T-shirt, and a pair of pink sweatpants that said ¡°JUICY¡± across the butt. She was petite, with that hungry, rail-thin look typical of girls in their earliest teens. She had her platinum blond hair pulled back in a braided ponytail. Her arms were crossed, and a sour expression sat on her face. ¡°Chelsea,¡± Jake said, holding his arms out, ¡°it¡¯s been¡ª¡± ¡°Like, oh my Princess, where the frick have you been? Frickin¡¯ robot dinosaurs from frickin¡¯ space attack the whole frickin¡¯ city, and then there are, like, frickin¡¯ zombies and demons and stuff, and where the frick do I see my boyfriend? Running around with some other girl. Like, seriously, what the frick? Do you, like, totally see monster attacks as a chance to fool around on me? Cuz if that¡¯s how it is, we are, like, so frickin¡¯ over, m¡¯kay?¡± She turned her face from him and held up one palm as a visual representation of just how over they were. Jake coughed into a fist and rubbed the back of his neck. ¡°Chelsea, honey, I¡¯m really sorry. I know how this looks¡ª¡± In an instant, she was clutching his arm and leaning her head on his shoulder. ¡°Jakey, you had better, like, spend a lot of frickin¡¯ money on me today. To make up for it.¡± She gave his arm a squeeze. He coughed into his fist again. He could feel, against his leg, the measly handful of coins in his pants pocket. ¡°Yeah, about that¡ª¡± ¡°Mm hm?¡± ¡°I¡¯m sorta broke right now, so I was hoping you or Ralph might spot me¡ª¡± Ralph clapped a hand to his face. Chelsea released Jake¡¯s arm and went back to crossing her own. ¡°Are you, like, frickin¡¯ kidding me? How did you go broke? It¡¯s not like you ever take me anywhere nice or buy me any nice things.¡± She put one hand to her brow and stretched the other toward him in the dramatic poise of the tragedian. ¡°OMP. Like, ohh MP. You frickin¡¯ spent it on Pretty Dynamo, didn¡¯t you?¡± Jake¡¯s face grew hot. ¡°I, like, knew it. I can just picture it now: you fed her juice boxes to get her in the mood, and then you, like, took her to some nasty love hotel¡ª¡± ¡°Whoa, whoa! No, nothing like that ever happened! And ¡­ that¡¯s really gross. I¡¯m just a little short on cash, all right? Not like I have a huge allowance¡ª¡± ¡°Get a frickin¡¯ job, loser.¡± ¡°Yeah, I would, except I¡¯m in fifth grade.¡± ¡°Ugh.¡± Chelsea rubbed her temples. ¡°Seriously, like, don¡¯t frickin¡¯ remind me. Word is out, Jake. You know that, right? All my friends are frickin¡¯ laughing at me. They¡¯re all, like, ¡®Oh, look at Chelsea, dating a fifth-grader. Ew, nasty. And he¡¯s Pretty Dynamo¡¯s newest item. Sucks to be Chelsea.¡¯ My reputation¡¯s in the frickin¡¯ gutter, Jake. Like, totally.¡± She poked a finger hard against his chest. ¡°I hope you appreciate what a frickin¡¯ good girlfriend I am to stick with a guy like you.¡± ¡°I do. Believe me.¡± ¡°Good.¡± She cracked her knuckles, and her lips spread in a broad grin. ¡°So are we gonna stand here on the street, or am I gonna, like, totally kick your butt?¡±
Juban¡¯s shopping district was modest, but it boasted an impressive arcade with almost a hundred stand-up video game machines, a skate park, an ice cream shop, and even a bumper car ride. As usual on a Saturday morning, children and teenagers clustered around its various machines and mixed their cheers and jeers with the pops and whistles and hammy music coming from the games. Black crepe covered the walls, and black lights hummed in the ceiling, making Jake¡¯s jeans glow bluish white and show where he¡¯d spilt tea two months earlier. Rock music played. The whole place smelled like popcorn, stale soda, and sweat. Ralph was getting a workout on Dance Dance Devolution, but he was so clumsy that his on-screen avatar had already regressed from human all the way down to amphibian. ¡°Watch this!¡± he called to Jake as he wiped sweat from his brow. ¡°I¡¯m gonna really bust a move!¡± ¡°Your moves are just busted,¡± Jake muttered as he focused on his own game, Soul Canister, which he was playing against Chelsea. He had selected a beefy male avatar wielding a massive claymore. Chelsea had selected a svelte female clad in tight black leather and armed with a rapier. As usual, she was crushing him. ¡°Ha!¡± Chelsea cried as she flawlessly executed a triple combo and used him for a pincushion. ¡°You¡¯re weak, Jake Blatowski! Weak! How¡¯s it feel to get beat by a little girl?¡± ¡°Wouldn¡¯t be the first time,¡± Jake muttered. His character fell hard to the ground, and the words ¡°YOU LOSE¡± flashed across his screen. ¡°Give up,¡± Ralph gasped as he flung himself around the dancing mat. ¡°Nobody beats Chelsea at Soul Canister.¡± To prove the point, the high scores scrolled up the screen. The top six slots all proclaimed, ¡°CHELSEA.¡± ¡°I am undefeated,¡± Chelsea cried as she thrust her hands into the air. ¡°But I am a merciful conqueror. I will put in another credit and begin another game¡ªif you promise to really try this time.¡± Ralph lost and, soaked in perspiration, collapsed to the ground. ¡°Dang, that thing is hard!¡± he wheezed. ¡°Wow,¡± said Jake as he glanced at the image above the flashing ¡°INSERT COIN¡± on the screen of the dancing game. ¡°I¡¯ve never seen anyone get all the way down to amoeba. Good job, Ralph.¡± Chelsea sighed. ¡°Ugh, like, seriously, you two are guys. Guys are supposed to be good at video games, yet here I am, mopping the floor with you. This is frickin¡¯ pathetic. I mean, Jake can¡¯t even get past level one on Ninja Maiden.¡± ¡°Hey, that¡¯s a hard game.¡± ¡°No, you are just a button masher. Pretty Dynamo must like you for your personality, because it is definitely not your skills.¡± ¡°I¡¯ve got skills.¡± She interlaced her fingers behind his neck and leaned on him. ¡°Like what?¡± ¡°Give me that credit you promised, and I¡¯ll show you.¡± She rolled her eyes, but fished in her purse and handed him a coin. He jumped onto the mat of the recently vacated dancing game, dropped in the coin, and went all out. It was a hard game demanding speed and endurance. But Jake didn¡¯t spend hours on the basketball court¡ªor, for that matter, tagging after Pretty Dynamo¡ªfor nothing. He went for ten minutes straight and missed only five steps the whole while. By the end, his ankle was screaming for mercy, but he was a man on a mission. Minute by minute, he elevated his avatar: beginning as a human, he soon became a pale green creature with a huge head and an atrophied body, then a globe-spanning collective consciousness, then a living machine in orbit around a dead star, then an interstellar network of cybernetic organisms, then a Kardashev Type III machine mind powered by a galaxy-sized Dyson bubble enclosing billions of stars in stable orbits just outside the Schwarzschild radius of a quasar, then a five-dimensional being living inside the event horizon of a supermassive Reissner-Nordstr?m black hole, and finally a disembodied cosmic supermind embedded in the quantum foam. The words ¡°YOU WIN¡± flashed across the screen in bold red letters. Breathing hard, Jake mopped sweat from his brow and took his place in the uppermost slot on the high score list. Unfortunately, this game only let him put in his initials. Chelsea responded to his display with a slow, condescending clap. ¡°My boyfriend is a veritable encyclopedia of useless skills. Useless skill number five hundred and sixty three: really good dancer. Right above ¡®can list vital stats on every known dinosaur.¡¯¡± ¡°Says the fighting game princess,¡± Jake muttered as he typed, ¡°JOB.¡± Chelsea sighed. ¡°That¡¯s why you¡¯re out of money. You spent it on a complete Land Before Time collection, didn¡¯t you?¡± ¡°No. I already have a complete Land Before Time collection, thank you very much!¡± ¡°Then was it Dino-Riders?¡± ¡°Nope. Already got it.¡± ¡°Cadillacs and Dinosaurs?¡± ¡°Got that one, too.¡± Chelsea put a hand to her forehead again. ¡°Oh my Princess. Oh my frickin¡¯ Princess. It was Dinosaucers, wasn¡¯t it?¡± ¡°Are you kiddin¡¯ me? Dinosaucers is to Dino-Riders what Gobots is to Transformers. And ¡­ and I already own it.¡± She shook her head. ¡°I declare you to be a lost cause. Ralph, what do you think?¡± ¡°It¡¯s true,¡± said Ralph. ¡°He is never going to get a girlfriend.¡± ¡°The case is terminal, Jake, but we may be able to revive the patient if you, like, promise to find some cash and take me to a frickin¡¯ movie next weekend.¡± ¡°All right, all right. Fine. What movie do you have in mind?¡± ¡°Kung Fu Cheerleader Nun Prison Break IV. They say it¡¯s, like, even better than the first one.¡± Jake rubbed his temples again. The twinges were getting stronger. ¡°They changed the cast, though,¡± said Ralph. ¡°Oh my frickin¡¯ Princess, they needed to! Did you, like, see the third movie? Trying to explain what was going on by making the warden a time-traveling alien? Like, seriously? What the frick?¡± ¡°But it ended on a cliffhanger, so we¡¯ll never¡ª¡± ¡°Who cares? No, they need to, like, do exactly what they did, which is reboot the whole frickin¡¯ franchise. Number four has a brand new generation of Kung Fu cheerleader nuns trying to escape from Abbey High Dojo and Penitentiary, and I am totally okay with that.¡± Jake groaned. ¡°Couldn¡¯t we maybe see a movie that doesn¡¯t involve scantily clad schoolgirls kicking monsters in the face? Because that¡¯s sort of become my real life.¡± Ralph shook his head. ¡°Some guys just can¡¯t appreciate what they¡¯ve got.¡± Chelsea slapped a hand against the side of the Soul Caliber machine. ¡°Truth is, I¡¯m, like, gettin¡¯ bored with this one. I need a new challenge.¡± ¡°I know the cure for what ails you,¡± said Ralph. ¡°They just put it in last week.¡± He put an arm around Chelsea¡¯s shoulders and led her past knots of jabbering teens toward the arcade¡¯s back wall. Jake followed. There, covered in flashing lights and uttering a cacophony of beeps and whistles, stood a massive game featuring two square cages of PVC pipe enclosing elevated mats. Behind the cages was a screen four feet high. Above the screen, in bright pink and blue, flashed the words, ¡°MAGICAL GIRL RUMBLE.¡± Several young boys clustered around it. They pointed and laughed and talked, but they also looked at the price of play and shook their heads. An evil grin formed on Chelsea¡¯s lips. ¡°Ah,¡± she said as she rubbed her palms together, ¡°I¡¯ve heard of this.¡± ¡°Yeah,¡± said Ralph. ¡°A lot of people are mad about it. I¡¯m surprised they could even get one of these in Juban. You¡¯d think the Homeowners¡¯ Association would be down here with torches and pitchforks.¡± Chelsea nodded. ¡°It does seem sacrilegious, but I like it.¡± Jake stepped up behind them. ¡°What is it, exactly?¡± Ralph rounded on him, grabbed him by the shoulders, and shook him. ¡°Don¡¯t tell me you haven¡¯t heard of Magical Girl Rumble! It¡¯s the immersive, full-body magical girl VR fighting game! You can play as any magical girl from the history of Urbanopolis and duke it out with other girls! The first version let you play as the Moon Princess, but that made a lot of people angry, so they took her out. She was OP anyway. But you can still play as her team: you can be Hatchet Harridan, Ice Queen, Hell¡¯s Belle¡ª¡± ¡°Any magical girl?¡± ¡°Yeah, dude. Even the current ones. They update it regularly. Pretty Dynamo¡¯s been a favorite for a while¡ª¡± As if on cue, the screen lit up with a beautifully rendered image of a street in downtown Urbanopolis. Heat lightning crackled across overhead clouds. The windows of the high-rises flanking the street were shattered, and glass and broken bricks littered the cracked asphalt. A couple of cars burned in the background, adding black smoke to the melancholy sky. The graphics were hyper-realistic, and it took Jake a moment to decide whether it was a 3D render or a live-action film. It looks a little too real ¡­ The camera panned across the street and focused in on two girls strolling toward each other. Jake started, and his heart thudded in his ears when he recognized Pretty Dynamo: she looked exactly like the real one, down to the toothy, lopsided grin and the flashing eyes. She had her fists raised, and she bobbed back and forth as if she were preparing to box. Opposite her stood Sukeban Tsubasa, the grayish light glinting from her armored bra. She threw her head back, laughed, and pointed a defiant finger at Dynamo. ¡°You wanna go?¡± she yelled. ¡°You bet I do!¡± Dynamo replied. Jake¡¯s heartbeat slowed. The voices were passable, but obviously not those of the real girls. ¡°Fight!¡± cried a deep, masculine voice. In an instant, Dynamo had her Lightning Rod in hand. She leapt, spun the spear, and brought it down into Tsubasa¡¯s head, striking three times while ¡°+3 combo¡± appeared in the air. After the manner of video game characters, Tsubasa slid backwards and raised her arms, but didn¡¯t fall or even stagger. Then she replied by thrusting out both of her hands. Guns popped out of her wrists and belted red flames, which pounded into Dynamo and sent her flying backwards. Blinking to indicate damage, Dynamo struck the ground and sent up a cloud of dust, but quickly snapped back to her feet. Her health bar shrank. Jake relaxed. It had impressive graphics, but it really was just a game. ¡°Dynamo versus Tsubasa?¡± Ralph said. ¡°I bet they rushed to put in this demo after last night. And what are those red things she¡¯s shooting?¡±Support the creativity of authors by visiting the original site for this novel and more. Chelsea sighed. ¡°Tsubasa¡¯s brand new. I bet they don¡¯t know her real stats, so they just made a wild guess. Generic beam weapons and stuff.¡± ¡°Yeah, that sucks. If Pretty Dynamo is gonna fight anyone, it should be Sword Seamstress.¡± Jake started again. ¡°What did you say?¡± Ralph leaned on Chelsea¡¯s shoulder. ¡°I gotta say, Chels, you¡¯re a genius. I never would have come up with it myself, but I totally ship those two now. They¡¯d be perfect.¡± ¡°I know, right?¡± ¡°Hold on,¡± said Jake. Chelsea giggled. ¡°Don¡¯t you think they just, like, crackle together?¡± ¡°They could, yeah¡ª¡± ¡°Just a minute,¡± said Jake, ¡°what are you two going on about? Pretty Dynamo and Sword Seamstress hate each other.¡± ¡°Jake¡¯s jealous,¡± said Ralph. Chelsea snorted and waved a hand. ¡°They don¡¯t really hate each other, Jake. They¡¯re just playing around¡ª¡± ¡°Probably don¡¯t wanna admit their true feelings,¡± said Ralph. ¡°Guys, I was there. Sword Seamstress tried to kill Dynamo. She almost did. I saw it.¡± Chelsea patted him on the head as if he were a little boy. ¡°I¡¯m sure it looked that way. Magical girls play rough.¡± ¡°Chelsea, you don¡¯t know what you¡¯re talking about. Thanks to Sword Seamstress, Dynamo lost her powers, and we ended up trapped downtown in a zombie horde. I¡¯m lucky I¡¯m not dead.¡± Chelsea¡¯s smile slipped. ¡°What?¡± ¡°She used her, um, her Christmas¡ª¡± Ralph raised an eyebrow. ¡°The Unholy Christmas Sweater?¡± ¡°Yeah, that was it. She hit Dynamo with it, and Dynamo¡ª¡± ¡°She lost her powers?¡± Chelsea said. The color drained out of her face. ¡°I had to improvise to boot her back up, and if that hadn¡¯t worked, both of us would be zombie food.¡± Ralph scratched his head. ¡°I wouldn¡¯t have thought the Unholy Christmas Sweater could do that. I mean, it usually just demoralizes monsters so they¡¯re easier to kill, but it does seem to have some kind of sapping¡ª¡± ¡°It shut Dynamo down.¡± Chelsea shook her head. ¡°I don¡¯t understand. How could it?¡± Ralph shrugged. ¡°She¡¯s an electrical cyborg, so maybe it interfered with her implants. Wouldn¡¯t have thought she¡¯d have that kind of vulnerability, but they say every magical girl has a hidden weakness. Pretty slick of Sword Seamstress to figure it out, though. Maybe I should make her my favorite again¡ª¡± Jake¡¯s head began to pound. ¡°Ralph, Sword Seamstress almost killed me. Stop talking like this is some fan club thing.¡± ¡°It can¡¯t be,¡± Chelsea whispered. She bit down on a knuckle of one index finger, something Jake had only seen her do when she was extremely nervous. ¡°I mean ¡­ Sword Seamstress would never try to really hurt her¡ª¡± He felt another twinge in his temples. ¡°She did, Chelsea. Look, would both of you stop contradicting me? I was there. You weren¡¯t. You ever watch a magical girl lose her powers while a horde of zombies is staggering your way? No? Didn¡¯t think so. You ever beat a dead man¡¯s brains out with a crowbar? No? Then shut up. You ever fall from the top of a building? Ever been almost dragged into hell? Ever race to reboot a robot while Velociraptors are trying to rip you open? Ever watch a girl die right in front of you while she¡¯s clutching your hand? I¡¯ve done all of that this week! I thought I could come here to relax and just hang out, but instead, you two have been on my case all morning!¡± He jabbed a finger at Ralph. You, knock it off with this obsession of yours. These girls aren¡¯t collectible action figures, all right? They¡¯re not ¡­ they¡¯re not ¡­¡± He waved a hand toward Magical Girl Rumble. ¡°They¡¯re not toys! They¡¯re people¡ªhappy, sad, angry, messed-up people. They don¡¯t need you picking their boyfriends¡ªor their girlfriends¡ªfor them. Why in all the holy moon is everyone in this city so obsessed with shipping magical girls? Do you have any idea how creepy that is? A lot of ¡¯em are in elementary school! Some of ¡¯em are in kindergarten! They¡¯re children! Let them be children, for the Princess¡¯s sake!¡± When he finished, his chest heaved a few times. After a moment, he noticed that the arcade was strangely quiet: he could still hear the pops and whistles and music, but the other noises had stopped. He turned to see all the kids frozen, staring at him. Ralph stepped up close and murmured, ¡°Jake, people love the girls. We just want them to be happy. That¡¯s all.¡± He pushed Ralph away. ¡°Well, knock it off. They don¡¯t need you to make them happy. They just need you to leave them alone.¡± He tugged at his collar. ¡°I¡¯m gonna step out for a minute. I need some air.¡± He worked very hard to ignore the eyes following him as he made his way to the exit.
Jake walked out of the arcade¡¯s rear door, which opened onto the skate park, a vast sculpture of white concrete full of geometrical waves and ripples like a storm-tossed sea flash-frozen and then reimagined by Picasso. Its largest features were three broad, irregular bowls like empty lagoon-style swimming pools, but between those were ramps, half pipes, full pipes, boxes, ledges, and rails forming a veritable maze. Several kids on boards, rollerblades, or bikes were doing tricks. Just as Jake stepped out the door, a boy of probably twelve shot up one side of a half pipe on his BMX and pulled a frontside 180, spinning in midair before shooting back down and doing it again on the other side. Jake watched for a few minutes and nodded in appreciation of his skill. Heh. If Pretty Dynamo were here with her board, she¡¯d have that kid for lunch. His eye strayed to the far end of the park when he saw a curious but familiar flash of red. A little girl stood at the top of a ramp. She wore a baggy T-shirt and a pair of bicycle shorts along with knee pads, elbow pads, and wrist guards. Under one arm, she held a pink skateboard. Her skin was bone-white, and intense red hair poured from under her helmet. Even at this distance, she stood out. Three other kids were skating nearby, and they paused to watch. Carefully and deliberately, she set the board down. Just as carefully, she set one foot on it. Then the other. She held her hands out to either side and wobbled. Uh oh. A walkway, set off by a guardrail, surrounded the park. He moved onto it and headed her way. She pushed off, whipped down the ramp, and promptly wiped out. The clatter of her tumbling skateboard echoed off the concrete as she rolled to the bottom and lay in a heap. The kids watching her laughed and pointed. A boy on rollerblades sniggered as he leapt up onto a ledge and pulled a groove trick, sliding thirty feet before easily spinning out of the grind and landing back on the ground. Now Jake ran. He bolted to the other side of the park, leapt over the rail, and barreled down the side of the ramp. Then his bad ankle gave out. Clenching his teeth against the pain, he fell on his seat and slid to a stop next to Dana. She sat up and dusted off her arms. A long, raw scrape stretched up her right ankle. Against her pale, almost bluish skin, her blood looked shockingly red. It stood out boldly like her hair. She stuck out her lower lip, and her little nose quivered. Her green eyes, directed at the ground, were wet. ¡°Jeez, Dana, what are you doing?¡± She gave him the briefest sidelong glance, and her brows knit together. ¡°Practicin¡¯.¡± ¡°For what?¡± She made her signature rasping sound, and then she lowered her voice and leaned toward him before she muttered, ¡°Tesla says I¡¯ll get better as Dynamo if I practice as Dana.¡± He shaded his eyes with a hand and stared up into the bright September sky. It was a clear, warm day, and the sun was high overhead. The light glared from the white concrete. ¡°Hey, you¡¯re wearing sunscreen, aren¡¯t you?¡± She rolled her eyes. ¡°No, I¡¯m serious. I know you burn easily. Don¡¯t try to tell me you don¡¯t.¡± ¡°You sound like my mom.¡± ¡°C¡¯mon.¡± He put a hand on her upper arm and tried to pull her to her feet. She squirmed out of his grasp. ¡°Would you stop stalking me?¡± ¡°I¡¯m not stalking you¡ª¡± ¡°And stop touching me!¡± ¡°At least come in and put a bandage on that ankle.¡± She hunched her shoulders and wrapped her arms around her knees. ¡°Go away.¡± ¡°Man, don¡¯t I even get points for last night? I fed you, remember?¡± ¡°That was then. This is now.¡± He jangled the few coins in his pocket. Might be enough for a vending machine. ¡°Come inside and let me get you something for your ankle, and maybe I¡¯ll buy you a juice box.¡± She scooted around in a circle to turn her back on him. ¡°You can¡¯t bribe me.¡± ¡°Yeah I can. Juice box.¡± She shuddered. Her voice so low he could barely hear it, she mumbled, ¡°What kind of juice box?¡± ¡°Whatever you want ¡­ well, whatever they have, I should say.¡± She tapped her index fingers together. ¡°Strawberry milk?¡± ¡°If they have strawberry milk, you can have strawberry milk.¡± She breathed hard for a few seconds, but finally stuck her nose in the air. ¡°I don¡¯t wanna.¡± ¡°Stubborn, huh? Well, maybe you don¡¯t have a choice.¡± She snapped her head toward him and glared. ¡°What does that mean?¡± ¡°I mean you¡¯re not getting away without letting me put something on that ankle. It would be a shame for you to end up with a scar.¡± With that, he grabbed her under her knees and arms and picked her up. Her ears turned scarlet, and the color quickly spread into her cheeks. Some of the other kids made catcalls. She slammed a fist down into his shoulder. But she only did it once. ¡°I hate you,¡± she said. ¡°I know.¡±
She was so light that it was easy to bend down and grab her board, too. He carried her around to the arcade¡¯s front entrance. There, he paused for a moment when he saw a huge crowd of jabbering high school girls around the claw crane game under the awning. But after considering them for a moment, he merely shrugged and walked inside. Must be a popular new plush toy or something ¡­ Tim, a high school senior working a part-time job, ran the arcade¡¯s store and ice cream shop. Jake got more stares and a few giggles from the patrons when he set Dana down on his glass-top counter. ¡°Where¡¯s your first aid kit?¡± he asked as he leaned her board against a wall. Tim bent over and fished around under the cash register. ¡°How bad is it?¡± ¡°Just a scrape.¡± He came up again with a white box in hand. ¡°Good, cuz I¡¯m not allowed to call an ambulance right now. I wanted to shut down the skate park, but the boss wouldn¡¯t hear it.¡± ¡°How often have you called an ambulance for the skate park?¡± ¡°Me? Never. Still, it¡¯s knowing I can¡¯t that makes me nervous. Hey, you¡¯re Blatowski, right?¡± ¡°That¡¯s right¡ª¡± ¡°Heard they sent you to fifth grade. That sucks.¡± ¡°Yeah, we¡¯re plannin¡¯ to contest it, but it¡¯s been a hectic week.¡± ¡°No kiddin¡¯. You really with Pretty Dynamo? Everyone at school says you¡¯re the ¡®Barfing Boy.¡¯¡± ¡°Sort of. Me an¡¯ Dynamo run into each other a lot.¡± ¡°So who¡¯s this cutie? You babysittin¡¯?¡± ¡°Nah. She¡¯s a classmate.¡± Tim laughed. Dana sat on the edge of the counter and dangled her feet. Jake knelt in front of her, ripped open an iodine swab, and cleaned her wound. She sucked her breath between her teeth and tapped her heels against the counter. ¡°Is that really necessary?¡± ¡°Yes.¡± ¡°Why?¡± ¡°I told you, so you don¡¯t get a scar.¡± She bent forward to bring her mouth near his ear and hissed, ¡°I been hurt worse than this.¡± ¡°No you haven¡¯t, not when you¡¯re ¡­ I mean ¡­¡± She glanced toward Tim. ¡°Yes I have. It transfers from one to the other.¡± He remembered the bruises he¡¯d left on her arm: he¡¯d given them to Dana, but he¡¯d seen them again on Pretty Dynamo. He also remembered the words of Lady Paladin Andalusia: ¡°My alter ego is dead already.¡± He tossed the iodine swab in the trash, leaned near to her injured leg, and blew. She jumped. Her leg jerked back, and her heel knocked against the glass counter with a loud thunk. ¡°What was that?¡± He looked up at her. ¡°You want me to kiss it?¡± Her ears turned red again, and her jaw quivered. ¡°Why, so you can get hep C?¡± ¡°You have hep C?¡± ¡°No, but you will if you go around kissin¡¯ people¡¯s bloody wounds!¡± Jake chuckled. ¡°Hey, Tim, you got any sunscreen?¡± Dana groaned. ¡°Bandages are free, but the sunscreen ya gotta buy.¡± ¡°Don¡¯t suppose I could pay you later?¡± ¡°Boss¡¯d have my skin.¡± ¡°Yeah, I can imagine. How much?¡± ¡°Six credits.¡± ¡°That¡¯s more¡¯n I got. Any strawberry milk in the vending machine?¡± ¡°Dunno, you¡¯ll have to look. Getting your grade-school tastes back?¡± ¡°It¡¯s for her, dumbass.¡± ¡°Uh huh. You sure you¡¯re not babysitting?¡± ¡°Very funny.¡± Jake put gauze over Dana¡¯s scrape and taped it in place. ¡°There,¡± he said. ¡°All better.¡± She held her hands in her lap and stared down at them. She began, ¡°I don¡¯t ¡­¡± She stopped, scowled, and interlaced her fingers. ¡°I don¡¯t need you to take care of me.¡± ¡°Nope. You just need me to buy you a juice box.¡± He tapped a finger against the tip of her nose, and she growled.
Now limping slightly, Dana stood at his side with her arms crossed as he fiddled with the vending machine. It contained several juice boxes, not one of which was strawberry milk. ¡°Apple?¡± he asked. ¡°No.¡± ¡°Blueberry?¡± ¡°Blech.¡± ¡°That¡¯s probably not much different from that electric whatever you drank the other¡ª¡± ¡°And that one was gross.¡± ¡°You sure enjoyed it at the time.¡± ¡°Whatever. Shut up. Find me something else.¡± ¡°Cran-banana?¡± ¡°That¡¯s not a real fruit.¡± ¡°Neither is electric¡ª¡± ¡°Shut up. Next.¡± ¡°Grape pomegranate? That one¡¯s probably got a lot of antioxidants.¡± ¡°Are all of ¡¯em just fruit juice?¡± ¡°That¡¯s sort of the idea. That¡¯s why it¡¯s called a juice¡ª¡± ¡°Shut up. What else is there?¡± ¡°Why don¡¯t you look? How old are you? You can read, can¡¯t you?¡± She made that rasping noise, glowered at the vending machine for half a minute, and said, ¡°I¡¯m not thirsty.¡± ¡°You are such a little brat.¡± ¡°And you¡¯re a big, clingy, weirdo stalker freak.¡± ¡°I¡¯m not stalking you.¡± Her eyes narrowed. ¡°Then why are you here?¡± ¡°What?¡± ¡°Here. Why are you here when I¡¯m here?¡± ¡°Coincidence. I¡¯m here ¡­¡± He slapped a hand to his forehead. ¡°I¡¯m here because I¡¯m supposed to be on a date.¡± Ralph pushed his way through the crowd and punched Jake in the shoulder. ¡°There you are! Dude, I thought maybe you got stuck in a toilet or something.¡± Dana, eyelids half lowered, looked back and forth between them. ¡°I knew it,¡± she muttered. ¡°Hey,¡± said Ralph, ¡°who¡¯s this?¡± ¡°Oh, she¡¯s a classmate. Dana, this is Ralph Willikers. Ralph, Dana Volt.¡± Ralph held out a hand. ¡°Shake or bow?¡± ¡°Shake.¡± She took his hand for a few seconds, wiggled it unenthusiastically, and quickly let go. Crossing her arms again, she gazed at him and twisted up her mouth. ¡°So I assume you¡¯re the pitcher.¡± Jake squeezed his eyes shut and pinched the bridge of his nose. Dana ¡­ ¡°Ah ha ha. Did Jake tell you I play?¡± Ralph tousled her hair. ¡°Yep, I¡¯m hopin¡¯ to make the team, but tryouts aren¡¯t ¡¯til the end of February.¡± He rubbed his right shoulder. ¡°Been workin¡¯ on the ol¡¯ fast pitch, y¡¯know!¡± ¡°Uh huh. They say it helps to think about baseball.¡± ¡°I think about it all the time!¡± ¡°Okay, Dana,¡± said Jake as he clapped his hands to her shoulders, ¡°weren¡¯t you just leaving?¡± ¡°No¡ª¡± ¡°I think you were.¡± ¡°I think you were buying me a juice box.¡± ¡°But you said ¡­ why you little brat!¡± Chelsea, a deep scowl on her face, marched over and, from behind, wrapped her arms around Jake¡¯s neck. ¡°Jakey.¡± Her voice in his ear was soft but dangerous. ¡°Where did you go?¡± ¡°Um ¡­ out. Just out for a minute.¡± ¡°That was more than a minute, sweetheart. That was way more than one frickin¡¯ minute.¡± He still had his hands on Dana¡¯s shoulders. She tilted her head back to stare at him. ¡°That¡¯s your girlfriend?¡± ¡°Yes, this is my girlfriend, Chelsea. Chelsea, this is¡ª¡± Chelsea, lips narrowed, pointed a finger down at Dana¡¯s face. ¡°Who¡¯s the twerp?¡± ¡°This is Dana, as I was just saying. She sits next to me in¡ª¡± ¡°He¡¯s buying me a juice box,¡± said Dana. Chelsea¡¯s arms slipped from his neck. ¡°Why are you buying this little runt a juice box?¡± ¡°That¡¯s a good question. An excellent question. You see¡ª¡± ¡°You can¡¯t even afford to take me on a proper frickin¡¯ date, but you¡¯re wasting money on juice for one of your frickin¡¯ classmates?¡± ¡°Uh ¡­¡± She threw her arms around his neck again and leaned on him. ¡°Jake, I¡¯m thirsty. Why don¡¯t you buy me a juice box instead?¡± He fished his few coins out of his pocket. ¡°I might have enough for two ¡­ okay, I don¡¯t.¡± Chelsea sighed. ¡°Dibs,¡± said Dana. Chelsea shoved Jake aside and rounded on her. ¡°Who do you think you are, you little runt?¡± Dana raised one eyebrow. ¡°Who do you think you are?¡± ¡°I¡¯m the girlfriend.¡± Chelsea tugged a strand of Dana¡¯s hair. ¡°And has anyone ever told you that you look like a clown?¡± ¡°Has anyone ever told you that you look like a wench?¡± Chelsea raised a fist, so Jake pulled her back. ¡°C¡¯mon, she¡¯s just a kid.¡± ¡°I can see that. So why are you buying her stuff?¡± ¡°Well¡ª¡± ¡°First Pretty Dynamo and now this brat? I can¡¯t frickin¡¯ take any more of this.¡± ¡°You¡¯re not jealous of a fifth-grader, are you?¡± ¡°I don¡¯t know, Jake. I don¡¯t know what to think. I don¡¯t know what you¡¯re capable of. I mean, you always did seem a little ¡­ well, you know¡ª¡± ¡°Hey!¡± ¡°He does, doesn¡¯t he?¡± said Dana. ¡°You stay outta this!¡± ¡°Yo,¡± said Ralph, ¡°what¡¯s going on out front?¡± He pointed toward the entryway. Outside the glass doors, a gigantic crowd of teenage girls had gathered. Jake could hear their excited voices, though the glass muffled them so he couldn¡¯t tell what they were saying. ¡°I dunno. I saw ¡¯em on the way back in, too, but the crowd wasn¡¯t that big.¡± He called to the desk clerk, ¡°Hey, Tim, there something new in the crane game?¡± Tim leaned over the counter, watched the knot of girls for a moment, and shrugged. ¡°Not that I know of. There¡¯s a guy who comes around from the company once a week to fill the merchandisers, but I don¡¯t pay much attention to what¡¯s in there. They make me cart that thing indoors whenever there¡¯s a storm, though. It¡¯s a real pain.¡± Jake looked again at his money. ¡°I bet I have enough for just one go at that thing¡ª¡± ¡°Win me an awesome toy,¡± said Chelsea as she squeezed his arm, ¡°and all is forgiven.¡± Jake made a fist around his paltry cash. ¡°Okay, I¡¯m on it.¡± ¡°Jake,¡± said Ralph, ¡°you suck at the claw crane, remember?¡± ¡°Oh, that¡¯s right. Chelsea, maybe you should play¡ª¡± Chelsea sighed.
They made their way out front, Dana tagging after them. As they approached, the cluster of laughing and chattering girls parted slightly to reveal a boy at the game¡¯s controls. He was probably Jake and Ralph¡¯s age, tall and quite thin. He wore loose slacks along with a khaki sweater vest over a dress shirt and a carelessly tied necktie. His sleeves were rolled up to reveal skinny, almost hairless forearms. He ran his fingers through his thick black hair before he said in a smooth voice, ¡°Okay, who¡¯s next? Megumi, you want one? How about that little kitten in the corner? The pink one?¡± He looked up from the machine, his big, glistening eyes rimmed with long lashes and set in a come-hither gaze. His full lips were moist, and a hint of pink sat in his cheeks. A pigtailed girl at his shoulder waved a hand and bounced up and down. ¡°Get me the puppy! The puppy!¡± ¡°Well,¡± the boy said, his voice like oil, ¡°it¡¯s in plastic. That means it¡¯s extra hard, you know¡ª¡± Megumi clenched her fists and shook her head back and forth. ¡°I want the puppy! I want the puppy!¡± ¡°Okay, okay.¡± With a faint chuckle, he cracked his fine knuckles, dropped in a coin, and as the game hummed and creaked, expertly guided the joystick until the claw was directly over the plastic-wrapped plush in question. With a whine, the claw dropped, snagged the toy, picked it up, and delivered it to the chute. With a wave of his thin fingers and a deep bow, he presented it to Megumi, who hugged it and squealed. Jake put a hand to his chin and nodded. ¡°The guy¡¯s good.¡± Ralph grabbed his shoulder. ¡°Oh my sweet Moon Princess, it¡¯s him!¡± ¡°Him? Who him?¡± ¡°That guy I told you about¡ª!¡± The boy ran his fingers through his hair again and looked over. He instantly lost his oily, seductive look, and a wide-eyed smile replaced it. ¡°Ralph-sama!¡± he cried, his voice rising an octave. Ralph took a step back, as if planning to use Jake for a shield. ¡°Hey, T.B.,¡± he said cautiously. T.B.? His name is T.B.? T.B. rubbed a hand against the back of his head and forced a weak, nervous laugh. ¡°Didn¡¯t expect to see you here! Aheh. Aheh heh. So, um, what brings you to the arcade?¡± Ralph took another step back. ¡°Games¡ª¡± ¡°Oh. Right. Cuz ¡­ cuz that¡¯s what you do at an arcade! Heh heh heh.¡± The girls surrounding T.B. pouted. Megumi leaned on his shoulder. ¡°T.B., honey, who are these dorks?¡± T.B. started, but after a brief look of panic crossed his expressive features, he quickly got back his bedroom eyes and put a hand to Megumi¡¯s chin. ¡°Oh, darling, don¡¯t you worry. Ralph here¡¯s just a friend of mine, you see. But you are the only one whose company I truly crave.¡± His fingers entwined themselves in a lock of Megumi¡¯s hair, and she trembled. ¡°Oh, T.B. ¡­¡± A blond girl on his right crossed her arms and pouted. ¡°T.B., how come you¡¯re givin¡¯ all your attention to Megumi today?¡± Without releasing Megumi, T.B. turned toward her and murmured, ¡°Oh, Cassandra, you know I love you, too. But when one is surrounded by so many beautiful flowers, it¡¯s difficult to know which one to pluck first.¡± A deep red entered Cassandra¡¯s cheeks, and she nearly dropped to the pavement as her knees visibly shook. Sheesh, thought Jake, this guy is somethin¡¯ else. Chelsea put her fingertips to her throat and stared. ¡°Oh my sweet frickin¡¯ Princess, that guy¡¯s in your class, Ralph?¡± ¡°Yeah, he¡¯s a real¡ª¡± ¡°Oh, frick. I would have petitioned to skip a grade if I knew high-schoolers could be that frickin¡¯ hot.¡± Wrapping his arms around Megumi and Cassandra, T.B. took a couple of steps forward, but didn¡¯t leave his crowd of admirers. He tilted his head so his long hair draped over his eyes. ¡°Well, sweetie,¡± he said to Chelsea, ¡°there¡¯s plenty of room aboard the T.B. train. You just gotta wait your turn.¡± He gave the girls under his arms a squeeze, and they squealed. ¡°Ooh,¡± Chelsea breathed as she slowly slid her hands down her torso, ¡°what¡¯s the wait time?¡± Jake tugged at his collar. ¡°Um, Chelsea? Would you mind, y¡¯know, not openly lusting after other guys right in front of me? It¡¯s kinda hurting my self-esteem.¡± T.B.¡¯s eyebrows went up, and he put his hands out, thumbs and index fingers extended as if framing a picture. He took a few more steps forward, still within the ring of fawning females. He gazed down into Dana¡¯s face. ¡°And what is this here?¡± he whispered. ¡°A porcelain doll come to life? That fiery hair! Those sea-green eyes! That saucy button nose¡ª!¡± ¡°You suck,¡± said Dana. Jake clapped a hand to her shoulder. ¡°And then there¡¯s her mouth, which pretty much ruins everything else.¡± T.B. grinned. ¡°Oh, that¡¯s okay. She¡¯s just jealous because she knows she¡¯s too short¡±¡ªhe pointed his thumbs at himself¡ª¡°for this ride.¡± His girls tittered. Is this guy for real? ¡°Sweet Princess,¡± Chelsea whispered, ¡°I just wanna rip his clothes off right here¡ª¡± ¡°Chelsea?¡± said Jake. ¡°You¡¯re drooling, honey.¡± ¡°I take it back,¡± said Dana, her half-lidded stare still on T.B. ¡°You super suck. You super-duper suck. You suck worse than this guy.¡± She jerked a thumb over her shoulder at Jake. ¡°And that means you really, really suck.¡± T.B. hugged his two closest girls again and took another step forward. He remained a good ten feet from Dana, but he bent down so he could look her in the eye. ¡°Aw, don¡¯t be like that, sweetheart. How ¡¯bout you let me pinch your cheek, and then I¡¯ll buy you an ice cream cone?¡± Dana tapped a foot against the ground. After half a minute, she turned one cheek toward him. ¡°Just don¡¯t pinch hard,¡± she muttered. ¡°What? Dana!¡± Jake rapped his knuckles on her scalp. ¡°Don¡¯t be so easy to bribe!¡± She stuck her lip out. ¡°Well, you wouldn¡¯t buy me ice cream!¡± ¡°That¡¯s because¡ª¡± ¡°Hold it,¡± said Chelsea, again seizing Jake¡¯s arm. ¡°Why were you buying the runt ice cream?¡± ¡°I wasn¡¯t, like she said.¡± Chelsea blinked a few times. Dana crossed her arms and turned up her nose. ¡°It¡¯s because I¡¯m better¡¯n you are.¡± ¡°Dana,¡± said Jake, ¡°knock it off.¡± Chelsea let go of his arm. ¡°What did you say, runt?¡± ¡°That you¡¯re stupid and you suck.¡± ¡°She¡¯s just being a brat, Chelsea. Ignore her.¡± T.B. straightened up, stretched his arms out, and took two steps back. His girls closed around him, cooing and sighing as they snuggled against him. ¡°What is this?¡± he said. ¡°Jealousy? Squabbling? And on my watch? Young ladies, I think it¡¯s clear you need to have it out. And this is the arcade: there¡¯s only one way to solve your differences here.¡± Chelsea rubbed her hands together. ¡°Yes. Yes, the hot guy is right.¡± She clapped a hand down on Dana¡¯s head and roughly wagged it back and forth. ¡°Okay, twerp, how are you at fighting games? You like Soul Canister?¡± Jake rolled his eyes. ¡°C¡¯mon, Chelsea¡ª¡± Dana slapped her hand away and said through clenched teeth, ¡°How about Magical Girl Rumble?¡± ¡°Dana,¡± Jake hissed. ¡°You shouldn¡¯t¡ª¡± Chelsea cackled. ¡°Oh, really? You think you can beat me at that? You¡¯re on, brat! You are so frickin¡¯ on!¡± ¡°It¡¯s decided!¡± T.B. cried as he pulled no less than five girls into his grasp and gave them all a tight squeeze at once while they giggled and squirmed. ¡°And the winner of this heroic duel gets a kiss on the cheek from yours truly!¡± Dana and Chelsea clasped each other¡¯s hands and glared into each other¡¯s eyes. ¡°Now I¡¯m motivated!¡± said Chelsea. ¡°You¡¯re going down, ginger!¡± Jake closed his eyes and rubbed his temples. Yes, he was definitely getting a headache. Chapter 21: Players The cluster of twenty girls, like some kind of giant amoeba with T.B. as its nucleus, oozed through the front door of the arcade. Leaning on his counter, Tim blanched. The girls hadn¡¯t bothered him when they had remained out under the awning, but now he apparently didn¡¯t know what to do once they¡¯d invaded the male-dominated space of the arcade¡¯s interior. There was an unspoken rule at the arcade: girls, if they came in significant numbers, were to remain near the front end where the merchandisers and ice cream were. Girls were not to enter the arcade¡¯s inner sanctum except singularly, and preferably in male company. Cavalierly violating this unspoken rule, T.B.¡¯s band of jabbering females now threatened the purity of this haven for luckless and socially awkward boys. The girls cried for ice cream, and T.B. had no shortage of money. Silver credits clattered onto the glass counter, and Tim hastened to fill waffle cones while the excited girls shouted their flavor preferences over the top of one another. Although they didn¡¯t order, T.B. also bought ice cream for the two combatants, and he turned toward them with a cone in each hand and an expectant smile on his face. But he never left the girls¡¯ circle: as if the amoeba were devouring prey, the cluster expanded momentarily, thrust out pseudopods, engulfed Chelsea and Dana, and drew them inexorably inward. Once they stood before T.B., he knelt and gallantly held up the two cones loaded with vanilla as if he were a knight proffering hard-won treasures to his ladylove. They took the ice cream in silence, and T.B. didn¡¯t even insist on pinching Dana¡¯s cheek. Now the amoeba, having grown larger through absorption, was on the move again: it slithered deeper into the arcade, and skinny, pimple-faced boys gave it nervous glances, as if afraid they were next to be devoured. Jake and Ralph, left out of it, followed behind. Irritated, Jake tried to move in close to T.B., who smoothly whispered inanities into Chelsea¡¯s ear. But he always found a girl blocking his path. When he stepped to one side to get around her, he ran into another girl. Somehow, no matter where Jake went, at least three girls always stood between him and T.B. He had no way of getting through except by getting rough. So he stayed back and glowered instead. By the time they reached the Magical Girl Rumble game, Dana and most of the other girls had already devoured their treats. Chelsea still contentedly dabbed at hers with her tongue, so T.B. slipped an arm around her waist and murmured just loud enough for Jake to hear, ¡°Do you need a little help with that ice cream, my dove? Perhaps we could lick it ¡­ together?¡± Chelsea giggled. ¡°Hey!¡± Jake shouted. He tried to push his way between a couple of the girls, but found Megumi standing stalwartly athwart him and eyeing him with a murderous glare. ¡°Step aside,¡± he said. Her eyes narrowed, and she thrust out her chin for a moment, as if considering. Then she squeezed her eyes shut, bunched up her fists, and shrieked, ¡°Eek! He touched me! He touched me there!¡± Jake immediately jumped backwards. Once again enclosed by the amoeba, Megumi ran to T.B., who placed a consoling arm across her shoulders. ¡°T.B., she moaned, ¡°that boy is such a ¡­ such a ruffian!¡± ¡°Don¡¯t worry, Megumi,¡± T.B. cooed. ¡°I¡¯m here for you. I¡¯ll watch over you, and I¡¯ll protect you ¡­ because I always use protection¡ª¡± ¡°Oh, T.B.!¡± Megumi laid her head on his chest. ¡°Jake¡¯s such a pervert,¡± said Dana as she crossed arms. She looked up at Chelsea. ¡°Aren¡¯t you mad?¡± ¡°Actually,¡± Chelsea answered as she slurped up the remainder of her rapidly melting ice cream, ¡°I¡¯m kind of impressed. Truth is, I was beginning to think he was ¡­ well, you know.¡± ¡°Hey!¡± Jake shouted. With a series of rapid bites, Chelsea crunched down her cone and then brushed her hands together. ¡°Still, he hasn¡¯t even made a move on me yet. I wouldn¡¯t expect him to grab some girl he just met.¡± Dana¡¯s eyes narrowed. ¡°You¡¯d be surprised.¡± Jake clenched his fists. ¡°I am getting really tired¡ª¡± Chelsea waved a hand in the air. ¡°Relax, sweetie. I was watching. Megumi made the whole frickin¡¯ thing up.¡± With that, Chelsea seized Megumi by the shoulders, hauled her away from T.B., and put her in a headlock. Megumi shrieked, and Cassandra pounded on Chelsea¡¯s shoulders, but Chelsea merely reached a hand for Cassandra¡¯s chest and shoved her. She stumbled into T.B., who caught her around the waist. After making sure Cassandra had her feet, T.B. reached for Chelsea, but Chelsea snapped up her free hand and struck his fingers. His dark eyes widened, and he stepped back. ¡°Ya like that?¡± Chelsea shouted as she gave Megumi a noogie. ¡°Ya wanna fantasize ¡¯bout somebody grabbin¡¯ you? I¡¯ll grab ya, wench!¡± Thinking he¡¯d better break it up before Tim kicked them all out, Jake stepped forward again, but found two more girls in his path. ¡°Get out of the way.¡± ¡°Stand back!¡± one of them said. ¡°Nobody gets close to T.B.!¡± ¡°What are you talking about? You¡¯ve been close to him!¡± T.B. placed a hand on Chelsea¡¯s shoulder. ¡°Megumi¡¯s a little high-strung. Why don¡¯t we just let this one slide, hm?¡± Chelsea bent down and hissed in Megumi¡¯s ear, ¡°The hot guy just saved your life, sweetheart. Now think twice before you mess with my boyfriend.¡± She released Megumi and pushed her aside. Her mussed, frizzy hair falling limply over her face, Megumi burst into tears and clutched T.B., who wrapped her in a tight hug. ¡°That totally got my blood pumping.¡± Chelsea cracked her knuckles, and the girls scrambled to get out of her way as she marched toward one of game¡¯s two elevated cages. Once she found the stairs, she mounted and ducked through the PVC pipes. ¡°Prepare yourself, Jake Blatowski, cuz your middle school girlfriend is about to kick your elementary school girlfriend¡¯s butt.¡± ¡°She¡¯s not my ¡­ y¡¯know, forget it. Just get this over with.¡± Dana, arms still crossed, walked toward the other cage. As she passed him, Jake leaned down and whispered, ¡°Have you played this game before?¡± She twisted up her mouth. ¡°Well, no. But I figured I might be able to ¡­¡± She shrugged. With sharp elbows, T.B.¡¯s girls nudged Jake and Ralph aside before swarming the game¡¯s central console, where T.B dropped in ten credits. Immediately, the sound of thunder and trumpets burst from the speakers. On the huge screen, a computer-generated image of the moon swept through space above a ruined, crater-pocked Earth. A lump formed in Jake¡¯s throat at the sight: it was a boldly accurate depiction of the current state of the planet, with blackish oceans and barely recognizable continents scoured yellow and red and broken at their edges. The Indian subcontinent, Australia, and most of South America and Africa were gone, having been wiped out partly by the destruction of Antarctica and partly by the subsequent antimatter bombings. Half of Europe, the coasts of North America, and the island chains of the Pacific were gone as well. A view of the Earth from space was a rare sight in Urbanopolis. People didn¡¯t like to think about it. The image was a clear statement of this game¡¯s deliberate provocativeness. A deep voice boomed, ¡°Humanity¡¯s last hope ¡­ locked in mortal combat! Behold, Magical Girl Rumble!¡± The game was loud. Around the room, kids peered over to see who was willing to pay its steep asking price. Several generations¡¯ worth of magical girls, frozen in corny poses, flitted across the screen. ¡°Choose your girl,¡± shouted the voice, ¡°and choose your destiny!¡± ¡°Wow,¡± said Ralph. ¡°So it¡¯s kinda like a dating service.¡± Sonorous music rolled forth while the screen displayed rapid cuts of girls performing brutal combo moves on one another. The air filled with high-pitched shouts and taunts as well as the loud cracking sounds that games and movies inexplicably associated with punches and kicks. Jake sucked in his breath when Grease Pencil Marionette jumped onto the screen. The tails of her green coat stuck out straight behind her as she performed a pirouette and spun her giant pencil in her hands. ¡°Welcome to Magical Girl Rumble!¡± she shouted in a passable imitation of Marionette¡¯s voice. ¡°Right now, I¡¯ll run through a quick tutorial to get you ready for action! To skip this at any time, press the flashing green button!¡± On the console in front of T.B., a big button blinked. ¡°If you¡¯re ready to fight like a girl,¡± said Marionette with a wink and another twirl, ¡°please select one- or two-player mode!¡± Two more buttons lit up. T.B. pressed the one on the right, and Marionette offered another wink. ¡°Two-player mode selected!¡± she said, giggling. ¡°You¡¯re really pushing my buttons!¡± Jake shook his head. ¡°Marionette does not talk like that.¡± Ralph nudged him. ¡°Hush. I wanna see this.¡± Lights in the floors of the elevated platforms flashed blue and red. Marionette spread her arms. ¡°Surrounding these two rumble cages are motion sensors designed to translate your movements into the awesome combat maneuvers of real-life magical girls! The gameplay is based on thousands of hours of news footage, and the moves are as accurate as we could make them! Players one and two, please enter your rumble cage and don your virtual reality headsets and battle gloves!¡± After spinning her pencil, Marionette quickly drew images of the gloves and VR sets. She ran through instructions on how to secure the straps while Dana and Chelsea put on the equipment. Dana found that she couldn¡¯t don the heavy, squarish headset over her helmet, so she unlatched the helmet and handed it off to Jake. Static electricity made wisps of her red hair stand on end to form a waving, fiery halo. ¡°Woo,¡± said Chelsea as she sniffed her VR set, ¡°these things smell funky. I wonder how many hygienically challenged fanboys have worn this stuff.¡± ¡°You¡¯ll notice that your right glove is stiffer than your left,¡± said Marionette, ¡°because it contains the controller! You can attack and defend using hand and foot gestures alone, but to perform spells and combo moves, you¡¯ll need the controller¡¯s buttons, which you can feel under your fingertips. Keep in mind that each magical girl has a unique move set, so mastering the spells takes time!¡± Jake knew Chelsea had never played this game before, but she was a skilled and systematic gamer. Chances were that she¡¯d have several combinations memorized by the time the game was over. He didn¡¯t know how Dana played, but if he had to guess, she was a button masher, which meant she was at a serious disadvantage. Marionette next ran through the basics of how to control an avatar. The leg movements were particularly complicated: going up on tiptoe would jump, doing it quickly would ¡°spin jump,¡± lifting a foot off the floor would kick, and hopping would bring an aerial magical girl into ¡°flight mode.¡± As the instructions grew more complicated, a broad grin formed on Chelsea¡¯s mouth beneath the clunky VR headset. ¡°What do you wanna bet the sensors can¡¯t even detect half this stuff?¡± ¡°She¡¯s probably right,¡± said Ralph. These kinds of games sound great in theory, but in practice they¡¯re hit or miss.¡± ¡°Now,¡± cried the fake Marionette, ¡°choose your girl ¡­ and choose your destiny!¡± ¡°Man, this is hammy,¡± Jake whispered. ¡°If by hammy you mean awesome,¡± Ralph replied, eyes glued to the screen. ¡°I mean, Chelsea¡¯s probably right that the gameplay¡¯s gonna suck. But it¡¯s still awesome.¡± Jake chewed the inside of his cheek. ¡°Well, it¡¯s quite a spectacle, and it squeezed ten credits out of us, so that¡¯s something.¡± The screen flashed ¡°Player 1,¡± and Dana¡¯s cage lit up with blinking blue lights. A selection window appeared with a bewildering array of girls¡¯ thumbnail images, sorted by decade. A selector box flicked back and forth uncertainly as Dana figured out how to control it, but then it shot forward to the current decade and found the thumbnail for Pretty Dynamo. Jake slapped his forehead. Dana ¡­ A trumpet blared when Dana made her selection, and Pretty Dynamo appeared onscreen with Tesla hovering at her shoulder. She spun on one foot while flipping her spear around in a whirlwind. ¡°Electrifying the world with love and friendship,¡± she cried, ¡°and making evildoers feel the wattage of justice¡ªI am Magical Girl Pretty Dynamo!¡± Lightning cracked, and the subwoofers thundered. ¡°Interesting choice,¡± said Chelsea. Once the screen said ¡°Player 2¡± and her cage began to glow, she moved the selector down to the tail end of the list to hover over Sukeban Tsubasa. Dana blanched. ¡°Hey, Chelsea,¡± Ralph called, ¡°she¡¯s brand new! You know she¡¯ll only have a basic move set!¡± ¡°Good point, Ralph. She¡¯s probably more a placeholder than anything else. Let¡¯s get one who¡¯s been around a while.¡± She moved the selector up several rows until she found Sword Seamstress. Dana¡¯s mouth dropped open. ¡°Oh, man,¡± said Ralph. Once Chelsea made her selection, Sword Seamstress twirled onto the screen with Stitches padding sinuously around her feet. ¡°Though deceivers weave their tangled webs, my warp and weft are always true! A stitch in time stops crime¡ªfor I am Magical Girl Sword Seamstress!¡± Ribbons and spools of thread flowed across the screen, accompanied by the sound of birds taking flight. Dana clenched her teeth and raised her fists. ¡°Sword Seamstress!¡± she hissed. Keep it together, Dana ¡­ Ralph clutched Jake¡¯s arm, and tears rolled down his cheeks. ¡°I know it¡¯s just a video game, but still ¡­ DynaSword! It¡¯s the happiest day of my life!¡± Jake sighed. ¡°Do you think they¡¯ll fight in a mud pit? Do you?¡± ¡°Calm down, Ralph.¡± ¡°Get ready!¡± a deep voice roared. ¡°It¡¯s time for ¡­ Magical Girl Rumble!¡± On the screen appeared an expansive shot of the wastes. Mottling the barren, blasted earth were patches of deep crimson, sickly yellow, and burnt-out black. Sharp fragments of glass littered the ground; neither natural nor manmade, this glass had formed from stone and soil fused by the heat of alien weaponry. The camera zoomed across this dreary landscape until it focused on a vast cinder cone. Lava, glowing a bright red, dribbled down one blasted slope. Smoke billowed into the cloudy sky. Halfway down the volcano¡¯s steep side, the ground had cracked open, and there the flowing lava formed a small lake. The camera zoomed in further to reveal Pretty Dynamo and Sword Seamstress squaring off on a floating platform of grayish stone in the midst of the bubbling, molten rock. Around them, flaming balls of tar leapt out of the lava and then fell back with a splash. Boxes appeared on either side of the central image to display the first-person views from Dana and Chelsea¡¯s headsets. ¡°Interesting arena,¡± said Chelsea, her view swinging back and forth as she turned her head, ¡°though I¡¯m not sure it¡¯s physically possible.¡± Ralph shrugged. ¡°Maybe Pretty Dynamo could take it, but I don¡¯t think Sword Seamstress has that kind of heat tolerance. That would be hot enough to ignite most fabrics.¡± ¡°Don¡¯t forget the poisonous gasses,¡± Jake added. ¡°Oh, both of them could handle those.¡± ¡°It¡¯s a video game,¡± said T.B. as he stroked his chin. ¡°It¡¯s not supposed to be completely realistic. In games, lava doesn¡¯t hurt you unless you touch it.¡±This narrative has been purloined without the author''s approval. Report any appearances on Amazon. Throughout the cinematic opening sequence, raucous music had played. Though Jake had tuned it out at first, the music now grew more insistent, and a screechy voice screamed unintelligibly over the heavy sound of pounding drums and distorted guitars. Dana bobbed her head, and the view from her helmet bounced up and down. ¡°Hey, I know this song!¡± ¡°Yeah,¡± said Ralph, ¡°I think I¡¯ve heard it, too! You listen to monster metal?¡± ¡°Uh huh. This is ¡®Uterus of Destruction¡¯ by Lady/Killer featuring Van Halensing. It¡¯s from their Rigor Magus album.¡± ¡°Van Halensing?¡± said Ralph. ¡°You mean the vampire-hunting magical girl rock idol? I didn¡¯t know she ever sang with Lady/Killer!¡± ¡°Just this song.¡± ¡°Dude! And they¡¯ve got it on the soundtrack for Magical Girl Rumble? That is metal!¡± Jake grabbed the lip of Dana¡¯s platform. ¡°Dana, you shouldn¡¯t listen to music like this! It¡¯s full of all kinds of bad stuff like cuss words and backwards messages and syncopated rhythm¡ª¡± ¡°You¡¯re a dork,¡± she replied. ¡°I bet you listen to show tunes.¡± Jake blinked. ¡°What¡¯s wrong with show tunes?¡± Dana and Chelsea both sighed. ¡°T.B.,¡± whined Cassandra, ¡°this music is so ¡­ so ¡­ inurbane!¡± She stuck out her lip and made Bambi eyes. ¡°Never mind that my, my dear,¡± T.B. answered, taking her hands in his own. ¡°Perhaps later I¡¯ll stand beneath your balcony and serenade you on my mandolin.¡± ¡°I didn¡¯t know you played the mandolin!¡± ¡°I¡¯ll learn how just for you.¡± ¡°Oh, T.B.!¡± Cassandra threw herself against him, and he held her tightly. ¡°Enough of that,¡± said Chelsea. ¡°Let¡¯s do this thing.¡± She slid a foot forward. On the screen, Sword Seamstress ran pell-mell toward Pretty Dynamo. Dana stumbled backwards and smacked into the PVC pipes while Pretty Dynamo performed a flying backwards somersault and landed in the lava. Instead of sinking or igniting, she cried, ¡°Ow! Ow!¡± as she blinked gold. After a second, a burst of flame knocked her forward onto the stone. Almost a quarter of her health bar disappeared. ¡°You gotta watch the edge,¡± Jake said. Dana grumbled. ¡°I know, idiot.¡± Righting herself, she took a cautious step forward and clumsily swung one arm. On the screen, Dynamo jabbed at the air while yelling, ¡°Yah! Yah!¡± ¡°Controls are going to be tough,¡± Chelsea said. ¡°This should be interesting.¡± She stuck out her foot, and Sword Seamstress again ran toward Dynamo. Chelsea moved her arms, and Sword Seamstress delivered a rapid combination of hooks and jabs. Dynamo, her head rocking on her neck, slid toward the lava again. ¡°Hold up your arms up,¡± said Jake, ¡°and move one foot forward ¡­ there you go!¡± Dynamo blocked the punches and halted her retreat. ¡°Okay, now swing!¡± Dana swung, and Dynamo delivered a left hook that caught Sword Seamstress in the jaw, knocking her back. ¡°Oh, man,¡± whispered Ralph, ¡°I just can¡¯t handle it.¡± Tears poured from his eyes, and a trickle of blood ran from his left nostril. ¡°Jake!¡± shouted Chelsea. ¡°Why the frick are you helping her instead of me?¡± ¡°Because she needs it! You¡¯re already good at this stuff!¡± ¡°Well, that¡¯s true. Let¡¯s see how you pull a weapon on this thing.¡± A series of clicks came from her glove as she tested the buttons. Sword Seamstress slid to the left, then to the right, and then spun in a flashy tornado roundhouse kick. Dana gasped and ducked, and Dynamo ducked, too. After several more clicks, Sword Seamstress finally pulled her swords from her garter belts. They clattered as they unfolded. ¡°Dana, try the buttons!¡± Dana¡¯s glove clicked, and Dynamo shimmied back and forth. ¡°Where¡¯s my Lightning Rod?¡± Dana snarled. Chelsea chuckled, and Sword Seamstress swung her right arm in a vicious swipe. After more frantic clicking, Pretty Dynamo shouted, ¡°Surge Protector!¡± The shield opened on her arm, and she blocked the blow. ¡°Who designed the moves for this?¡± said Ralph as he waved at the screen in disgust. ¡°That¡¯s not how Sword Seamstress fights! You don¡¯t just throw your arms around like that when you¡¯re fencing!¡± ¡°You¡¯re right,¡± said Chelsea, ¡°but if this works how I think it does, I should be able to make her fight the way I want.¡± She spread her legs to shoulder-width, bent her knees, raised her left arm behind her head, and turned her right shoulder toward Dana, forming an en garde position. Sword Seamstress mimicked the pose. T.B. tilted his head. ¡°Does she fence?¡± Jake frowned. ¡°Well, no ¡­ I don¡¯t think so. But she does play a lot of sword fighting games, so she¡¯s seen the stance¡ª¡± T.B. stroked his chin and said nothing. Chelsea lunged. Sword Seamstress did the same and thrust straight through Dynamo¡¯s abdomen. Rather than keeling over, Dynamo slid back half a foot and flashed gold. Dana¡¯s glove continued to click. ¡°Where¡¯s my spear?¡± ¡°Okay, don¡¯t get excited,¡± Jake said. ¡°Have you tried every button?¡± ¡°There are only four buttons! This game¡¯s stupid!¡± After Dynamo jiggled back and forth for a few seconds, she finally raised a hand and cried, ¡°Ball Lightning!¡± The resulting blast knocked Sword Seamstress on her back and raised a cloud of dust. ¡°Do it again!¡± Jake said. More buttons clicked. ¡°I can¡¯t!¡± ¡°What did you hit before?¡± ¡°I dunno! I just hit stuff!¡± Sword Seamstress quickly kipped up to her feet. ¡°Scarf of Strangulation!¡± she shouted. A ball of blue yarn jumped from her belt, and her swords whistled as they slashed the air, producing a long, woolen scarf that snaked toward Dynamo and enwrapped her throat. Dana waved her arms and tapped more buttons, but to no avail. Dynamo scrabbled at the scarf, but Sword Seamstress yanked on it, dragging her across the ground. Once she was in range, Sword Seamstress swung an arm, clocked her in the face with a knuckle guard, and sent her flying backwards. It was an impressive-looking move, though it did only a little damage. ¡°Oh, yeah!¡± cried Chelsea. ¡°That was frickin¡¯ awesome!¡± More clicks came from her glove, and she performed the move again. And again. And again. ¡°Rrr! I hate this stupid game!¡± Dana reached for her VR headset, but Jake shot a hand into the cage and grabbed her wrist. ¡°C¡¯mon! T.B. wasted ten credits on you! At least play it through!¡± For a moment, she tried to yank her arm back, but Jake held on until she stopped pulling. She growled. ¡°Fine. Whatever. I¡¯ll play.¡± He let her go, and she clicked more buttons. At last, Dynamo cartwheeled sideways to dodge the scarf. ¡°Lightning Rod!¡± she shouted. Her wand popped into her hand and expanded into a spear. ¡°Finally! I have no idea what I hit!¡± She moved her gloves through the air. She was hesitant and slow, but her movements looked not entirely unlike those Jake had seen Pretty Dynamo use on the street. On the screen, the spear spun in Dynamo¡¯s hands. Jake pinched the bridge of his nose. C¡¯mon, Dana, don¡¯t show off¡ª ¡°Hey, that¡¯s not bad,¡± said Ralph as he dabbed a handkerchief at his nose. ¡°Is she studying Kung Fu or something?¡± Jake tugged his collar. ¡°No, of course not. The game corrects their movements. You can see that.¡± Ralph frowned. ¡°Yeah. I guess ¡­¡± Dana muttered, ¡°I think maybe I can do this.¡± She slid a foot forward, and Dynamo ran. Sword Seamstress ducked and aimed for her legs. To dodge, Dana hopped an inch from the floor, but instead of merely jumping, Dynamo threw the blue rectangle from her belt. ¡°Circuit Board!¡± In a moment, she was airborne. Dana staggered as Dynamo zipped crazily up and down the screen. Her first-person window became an indecipherable blur of red and blue and gold. ¡°Dana, stand straight!¡± Jake yelled. ¡°On your toes is up, bent knees is down, remember?¡± ¡°This is stupid!¡± Dana shouted. Chelsea jumped, and her cage rattled precariously when she landed. Black wings like a crow¡¯s sprouted from Sword Seamstress¡¯s back. She shot up, but then immediately plummeted into the ground when Chelsea bent her knees. Chelsea jumped again, but again Sword Seamstress rammed into the ground. Her health bar rapidly dropped. ¡°This is frickin¡¯ ridiculous!¡± said Chelsea. ¡°I¡¯m playin¡¯ a fencer, but it¡¯s gonna make me keep my legs straight?¡± ¡°Don¡¯t try to fence for real,¡± T.B. suggested, still stroking his chin. ¡°Just press the buttons and move your arms. Your avatar will make up for what your real motions lack. Think control, not speed. Think big gestures the sensors can read, not finesse. Slow and deliberate.¡± Chelsea stood straight, put her legs together, and went on her toes. Sword Seamstress, her huge wings flapping with a rhythmic whoosh whoosh, rose from the ground. Chelsea grinned. ¡°Yeah, you¡¯re right. That¡¯s doing it!¡± Bending her left knee slightly, she slid her right foot forward, and Sword Seamstress swooped toward Dynamo. ¡°Dana,¡± said Jake, ¡°slow and controlled.¡± ¡°Shut up,¡± Dana replied, but by standing still, she managed to stop Dynamo¡¯s crazy zigzagging. When Sword Seamstress plunged toward her, she thrust up with the spear and knocked her back. Sword Seamstress flashed gold, and her health bar dropped considerably. ¡°What?¡± cried Chelsea. ¡°Why did I take such a big hit?¡± ¡°Speed of impact,¡± T.B. suggested. ¡°It probably takes that into account in aerial mode.¡± ¡°What the actual frick?¡± In the air, Dynamo had an advantage, as her spear gave her a longer reach. She flew toward Sword Seamstress, swiped her across the face with the spear point, and then pulled back before Sword Seamstress could reply. Then she did it again. ¡°Good,¡± said Jake. ¡°Good. You¡¯ve got it. See if you can do a combo.¡± Dana flicked the buttons. Dynamo fired off her Ball Lightning again, but Sword Seamstress merely slid to the side. Dana slapped more buttons, and then cried, ¡°Whoa!¡± as Dynamo shot straight up into the air, rising higher and higher until she jumped from her board and dived straight down with her spear pointed toward the ground. She chucked the spear, spun in the air, and reactivated her board. Sword Seamstress merely flew out of the way as the Lightning Rod hurtled past. It crackled with flashes of electricity when it embedded itself in the stone island below. ¡°Probably not the best maneuver to employ at this point in the game,¡± T.B. suggested. ¡°I think that¡¯s supposed to be a finishing move.¡± ¡°I lost my spear!¡± Dana moaned. Chelsea cackled. Sword Seamstress dive-bombed Dynamo and swung her swords back and forth, smacking Dynamo up and down and right and left. Again, Dana¡¯s first-person window became a blur. Even the main window struggled to keep the players in view, and the camera angle changed rapidly as the Seamstress used the Dynamo for a pincushion. Finally, Pretty Dynamo¡¯s health bar fell to zero, and she dropped limply. She landed right in the lava, where she screamed and flailed as she went up in bright red flames. Burning and shrieking, she slowly sank out of sight, and the last view they had of her was of one hand flaming like a torch as it grasped futilely at the air. ¡°Magical Girl Sword Seamstress wins!¡± the deep voice exclaimed, and the heavy metal soundtrack reached a squealing crescendo. A chill ran up Jake¡¯s spine. ¡°Sheesh, was that ending animation necessary?¡± On the screen, the word ¡°REPLAY?¡± appeared. Underneath, a timer counted down from ten. ¡°What?¡± cried Chelsea as she snapped off her VR set. ¡°One round? Not even best two out of three? This game¡¯s a frickin¡¯ rip-off!¡± She stripped off her gloves and stepped down out of the cage. Wrinkling her nose, she sniffed her hands. ¡°Ugh. I need to go wash after wearing those things.¡± Dana, her lip outthrust in a childish pout, tossed her gloves to the floor and then ripped at her headset. ¡°Hey,¡± said Jake, ¡°treat the equipment nice. You don¡¯t want to pay for this stuff.¡± ¡°Whatever.¡± She slammed the headset onto its peg and, arms crossed, stomped down the steps from her platform. ¡°Well,¡± said T.B. as Megumi and Cassandra leaned on his shoulders, ¡°it appears we have a victor¡ªand to the victor go the spoils.¡± He bit his lip and gave a hesitant, sidelong glance to Ralph, who was still trying to clean up his nose. But T.B. quickly regained his composure and flicked his long, thin fingers. A rose appeared in his hands as if by magic. He put it to his nostrils, closed his eyes, and inhaled deeply. Chelsea, when she reached the floor, flipped a length of hair behind one ear. She leaned back against the cage, stretched her arms over her head, and grasped the PVC pipe. ¡°Okay, big boy,¡± she said in an uncharacteristically husky voice, ¡°take me.¡± T.B. chuckled as he toyed with his rose. ¡°I admit I hesitate to give a young maiden her first kiss, as I might ruin you for other men. They say that once you¡¯ve had T.B., you never really get over it.¡± ¡°That¡¯s a risk I¡¯m willing to take.¡± ¡°Are you sure? You might spend your life pining for me. Many young maidens are wasting away on account of T.B.¡± ¡°Shut up and plant one on me.¡± She tapped her left cheek. ¡°Right on the funk from that nasty helmet.¡± As the girls formed a protective semicircle around the two of them, he strolled toward her. ¡°Not so fast, my darling, my chickadee,¡± he said, his voice even oilier than usual. ¡°I am no knavish rube, untutored in the ways of love, to move straight into a cheek kiss like some overexcited schoolboy.¡± Jake scowled. But you are an overexcited schoolboy¡ª With his left hand, T.B. held the rose toward her. She reached for it, but as she did, he turned his wrist so that her hand fell across his. Then with his other hand, he reached up and grasped her right, pulling it down from the pipe. Dropping to one knee and leaving the rose in her grip, he brushed her knuckles with his full, red lips. ¡°A Book of Verses underneath the Bough,¡± he murmured, and then he kissed her arm near the elbow. ¡°A Jug of Wine, a Loaf of Bread¡±¡ªwith his dark eyes, he gazed up at her through his long, delicate lashes¡ª¡°and this hotness.¡± He pointed a thumb at himself. Chelsea broke into a broad grin, as if she were about to burst out laughing. A similar smile appeared on T.B.¡¯s face. For a moment, they stared at each other, apparently sharing some peculiar private joke. Around them, the girls, eyes shining, leaned forward. ¡°All right,¡± said Jake. ¡°That¡¯s far enough, pal.¡± He put his hands on two of the girls¡¯ shoulders, meaning to push them apart and walk between them. The girls just happened to be Megumi and Cassandra, and they rounded on him. ¡°Stay back!¡± Cassandra said. ¡°Yeah, pervert!¡± cried Megumi. ¡°Outta the way!¡± Jake shouted. Megumi trembled, but then thrust out her jaw and straightened her back. ¡°You don¡¯t scare me!¡± Perhaps it was because of all the time he¡¯d spent recently with girls who could bench-press a Mack truck, or maybe it was simply because he was angry, but he didn¡¯t hesitate or back off. He grabbed Megumi under the ribs, picked her up, half-turned, and put her back down. Then he walked toward T.B. Megumi punched him in one shoulder blade, but then sucked in her breath and squeezed her bruised hand between her thighs. Cassandra ran at him and scratched him with her nails. ¡°Hey! Hey! Stop it!¡± The other girls swarmed. Surrounded by angry, shrieking females striking him from every direction, he put up a hand to protect his face, did his best to ignore them, and continued walking. Someone¡¯s ankle caught his. Off-balance already from the light but repeated blows, he tripped. Staggering straight into T.B., he knocked him away from Chelsea and tumbled to the ground on top of him in a tangle of arms and legs. It took Jake a moment to assess what had happened, especially since other things demanded his attention: girls punched him in the back and shoulders and called him by a long list of names creatively demeaning his masculinity. Underneath him lay a boy who was remarkably light and skinny, and who now stared up at him with round, liquid eyes that really were astonishingly pretty, and in which he could clearly see the reflection of his own befuddled face. Besides that, Jake¡¯s left hand had landed on T.B.¡¯s chest, and through his shirt, he could feel some kind of strange undergarment, a tight band of cloth enwrapping his thin torso. And under that¡ª ¡°Get off him!¡± Megumi screamed in his ear. Then T.B. himself released a frightened and decidedly high-pitched wail. He flailed. Jake leapt up, and the girls quickly clustered around T.B. Cassandra and Megumi both hugged him tight as T.B., shoulders hunched, shuddered and wept. Jake simply blinked. He stared down at his left hand, gazing at the lines in his palm and at his fingertips as if he couldn¡¯t quite believe they were his. ¡°Jerk!¡± Megumi screamed at him. ¡°Pervert! Loser! Creep!¡± Kneeling over T.B., she brought his head to her chest and rocked him like a frightened child. Still hurling epithets in Jake¡¯s direction, Megumi and Cassandra helped T.B. off the floor and hauled him toward the front of the arcade. The rest of the girls trailed after. Some cursed at Jake as they passed, but others glanced at him wistfully before following the rest. In less than a minute, they had all left. Jake still stared at his hand. Ralph grunted. ¡°That guy¡¯s a total wuss.¡± ¡°Yeah ¡­¡± ¡°I don¡¯t understand what the girls see in him. He¡¯s like that at school, too: there¡¯s always a bunch of groupies around him. I just don¡¯t get it.¡± ¡°Yeah ¡­¡± ¡°You okay, dude? What¡¯s up?¡± Jake flexed his fingers. ¡°He feels somehow ¡­¡± ¡°What?¡± ¡°Squishy.¡± Ralph laughed. ¡°The sissy boy probably just needs to work out.¡± ¡°Maybe that¡¯s it ¡­¡± Still leaning against the elevated cage, Chelsea chuckled. ¡°Well, that was certainly entertaining. Thanks, boys. I got my money¡¯s worth today.¡± She squeezed her eyes shut, stuck her hands behind her head, and stretched. ¡°He¡¯s cute, but players like him aren¡¯t my type. If he¡¯d really tried to kiss me, I would¡¯ve frickin¡¯ belted him one.¡± She walked to Jake, draped her arms over his shoulders, and leaned on his chest. Standing to one side with a fist on a hip and a sneer on her mouth, Dana snorted. ¡°I think you got more action with him than I did,¡± Chelsea said as she gave Jake a light squeeze. ¡°Maybe I should be jealous.¡± ¡°Maybe I should be,¡± he replied. ¡°Maybe. I like you jealous.¡± She gazed up at him, and a smug smile settled on her mouth. Her ice-blue eyes were small, and they lacked that deep, reflective quality that T.B.¡¯s eyes had, but they were still pretty. ¡°Oh, Chelsea.¡± He leaned down to kiss her, but she placed a hand over his mouth. ¡°I don¡¯t think so. I¡¯m not happy with you today, Jake Blatowski, and I¡¯m not sharing my first kiss with a guy I¡¯m not happy with.¡± She bent the stem of T.B.¡¯s rose and tucked it into the breast pocket of his shirt. ¡°Take me to that movie next weekend, treat me right for a change, and then we¡¯ll see.¡± He pulled her hand from his mouth. ¡°Your hand stinks.¡± ¡°Yeah, it¡¯s those gloves.¡± She drew back from him, but raked her fingernails lightly down his arms and squeezed his fingertips before she stepped away. ¡°It¡¯s been fun, boys, but I¡¯m headed out.¡± Jake cleared his throat and tugged his collar. ¡°You want me to¡ª?¡± ¡°No. I want you to get your act together.¡± She snapped her fingers toward Ralph. ¡°C¡¯mon, let¡¯s go.¡± ¡°You¡¯re going with me?¡± Ralph asked. ¡°Why?¡± ¡°Because I¡¯m going to your house. Celie and Jaime invited me over.¡± Ralph sighed and stuck his hands in his pockets. He gave Jake a wry smile. ¡°With her, it¡¯s like I got eight sisters.¡± Jake ran a hand through his hair. ¡°Yeah. Have fun.¡± ¡°Not likely. I¡¯ll spend the rest of the day trying to evade the estrogen brigade. At least they can¡¯t hold me down on the floor and put makeup on me like they did when I was seven.¡± ¡°Do you wanna¡ª?¡± Ralph shook his head. ¡°Nah, I really should go do my homework. Got a science project I need to start in on.¡± Jake grunted. ¡°Must be nice.¡± ¡°Don¡¯t they give you homework in elementary?¡± ¡°Yeah, but it takes me all of five minutes. Last one was a word scramble.¡± Ralph laughed. ¡°Take care, man.¡± ¡°Take care.¡± He watched as Ralph followed Chelsea out the front door. After that, he stood in a sea of pops and bleeps and skinny boys hunkered over bright screens. It seemed quiet now that almost all of the girls had left. He turned to Dana, who stared at him with half-lidded green eyes. ¡°Why are you still here?¡± ¡°You¡¯re a loser,¡± she replied. ¡°So are you. You lost to Chelsea.¡± She scowled and looked down at the floor. ¡°Not yet I haven¡¯t,¡± she muttered through clenched teeth. ¡°What was that?¡± ¡°Nothing.¡± ¡°Hey, don¡¯t worry. Everyone loses to Chelsea.¡± Her scowl deepened, and she thrust her lip out. ¡°What¡¯s wrong? You upset that T.B. didn¡¯t give you your first kiss?¡± With that familiar throat rasp, she stomped away from him, but stuck her nose in the air. ¡°That wouldn¡¯t have been my first kiss.¡± ¡°Oh? Did some boy peck you on the playground in kindergarten? I guess I¡¯m not surprised. You¡¯re certainly cute enough.¡± She shot him a glare, but then stuck up her nose again. ¡°Nope. He was older¡ªway older. And he was much, much cooler than you.¡± Jake laughed, and Dana¡¯s ears turned red. ¡°Okay, sure. So, do you need me to walk you home?¡± Her eyes narrowed. ¡°I¡¯m not going home. I¡¯m gonna go skate.¡± ¡°But you hurt yourself.¡± ¡°It¡¯s just a scratch.¡± ¡°Okay, then at least do me a favor and start with something simpler than a half pipe.¡± She grunted. ¡°And put on some sunscreen.¡± She snarled. He chuckled and leaned on one of the stand-up games. ¡°Maybe I really should have kissed your owie, huh? Then I could have been your second kiss.¡± The red in her ears spread down to her cheeks. She clenched her fists and rounded on him. ¡°It wouldn¡¯t be my second, either!¡± ¡°Oh yeah? Sounds like you¡¯re quite the little heartbreaker. Then third¡ª¡± ¡°Not third!¡± ¡°Wow, so you get all the boys?¡± ¡°It was the same guy,¡± she said as she crossed her arms. ¡°Bunches of times. Over and over.¡± She raised one eyebrow. ¡°I lost count.¡± Now he bent over the game he was leaning on, and his shoulders shook as he laughed. The red in Dana¡¯s face deepened. As he wiped at his eyes, he said, ¡°Actually, I¡¯m not sure I should find this funny. Who exactly is this dirty old¡ª?¡± ¡°Don¡¯t talk about my dad like that!¡± Her eyes widened, and she gasped. She clapped a hand over her mouth. Jake slid heavily to the floor in a fit of fresh laughter. Once he could breathe, he said, ¡°Dads don¡¯t count!¡± Dana ground her teeth, and her face turned so red it was almost purple. ¡°They do too! Dads totally count!¡± ¡°Nah, you¡¯re a girl, so only boys count¡ª¡± ¡°Dads are boys, stupid-head!¡± She kicked him in the ribs, and then she donned her helmet and stomped flat-footed toward the front. After she snatched up her skateboard and hugged it to her chest, she spun around and shouted over the din, ¡°And you still owe me a juice box, jerk!¡± Then she left. He winced as he rubbed his sore side. Gamers gave him cautious glances or disapproving glares while he staggered toward the exit. As Jake made his way out, Tim leaned on his counter and said, ¡°You sure are smooth with the ladies, Blatowski.¡± He paused in the doorway and nodded. ¡°Yeah. Maybe I should take a few lessons from T.B.¡± Tim chuckled. Jake stared down at his left hand again. Something felt weird, but he couldn¡¯t quite put his finger on it. Interlude: Choose Your Girl ... and Choose Your Destiny! Now you can live the dream, sort of, and choose Best Girl (or just ship Jake if you''re into that) from the vast harem cast ofJake and the Dynamo. Girls are listed in order of appearance. Select your girl and then defend her honor in the comments below.This novel''s true home is a different platform. Support the author by finding it there. Comments may affect the course of the story. The ending is mapped out, but there can be plenty of antics in the meantime. So choose your girl ...and choose your destiny! Chapter 22: Fated For reasons unclear to him, Jake didn¡¯t want to go home. After he left the arcade, he wandered around Juban. He watched the people bustling in and out of the shops, watering their lawns, pushing their children in baby strollers. At times, a curve in the road would wind around the shoulder of a hill, where he could look down over the rooftops toward the deep city. He saw stretches of rubble. Columns of smoke rose into the sky and spread into anvils as they reached some change in the atmosphere. Helicopters hovered around the tall skyscrapers in the financial district. The howitzers atop the towers pointed upwards, their barrels silent but vigilant. A submarine sat in port in the distant bay, presumably restocking before returning to the endless patrol of the watery western perimeter where the ocean gun turrets squatted atop their massive concrete pylons. But Juban looked as it always did: peaceful, quiet. It had suffered damage, of course, but the damage was minimal¡ªa few fences down, a few houses smashed, a few roads bombed, a few people dead. Hardly worth noticing. It was quiet except for a faint hum of traffic, though in late afternoon, Jake thought he heard a siren. He wandered with shoulders hunched and hands in pockets. He thought about Grease Pencil Marionette with her fierce embrace and warm kisses. He wondered if kissing a real girl would feel the same way. He thought about Rifle Maiden and wondered what it might be like to kiss her with her buckteeth. He even thought a little about Miss Percy and how good it had felt to hold her, even if he¡¯d been terrified at the time. He thought about Andalusia clutching his hand while her blood poured from her chest and her confession poured from her mouth. He wondered if, had he had his wits about him, he could have saved her. He also thought about T.B. with his strangely large, dark eyes. Something was definitely wrong with T.B., though he still couldn¡¯t figure out what. Some of the public terminals weren¡¯t functioning, but he found a working one on a corner near a donut shop and asked it where he could get his zombie monitor removed. The terminal directed him to the nearest police station. The station was busy, and Jake was apparently low priority: once he told the officer at the front desk why he was there, he had to sit in a folding chair for three hours. Finally, a cop walked up to him and, without so much as a word, clamped onto his wrist some clunky device that looked like an oversized garlic press. With a few clicks and a grinding sound, the monitor fell away. Jake walked out rubbing his wrist, which now felt oddly light and cool. He had escaped infection. I probably used up a lifetime¡¯s supply of luck this week. He thought about Dana. If he hadn¡¯t followed her home on Monday, he never would have learned her secret identity. If he hadn¡¯t followed Pretty Dynamo after she transformed, she wouldn¡¯t have had to rescue him from the kaiju. Maybe she would have had time to rescue that poor woman in the collapsing apartment building instead. Maybe that woman was dead because Jake followed Dana. Maybe everything had happened because he¡¯d followed her. If he hadn¡¯t followed her after that breakfast of pizza, Dana might be dead now thanks to Sword Seamstress¡¯s Unholy Christmas Sweater. Maybe, if he hadn¡¯t followed her, Pretty Dynamo would be dead and Lady Paladin Andalusia would be alive. People died in this city all the time, but before this week, nobody had done it right in front of him. He had experienced a lot of firsts this week. And in his stomach simmered an uneasy and unfocused sense of guilt.
When he finally arrived at home, the sun was dipping toward the bay. He pushed open the front door to find his mother and father bustling back and forth in the living room. ¡°Kosmy, have you seen my purse?¡± his mother cried as she rummaged in the front hall closet. His father fumbled with a necktie as he walked out of his office. ¡°No. Have you seen my tie pin?¡± After a minute, his mother stuck her head out of the closet. ¡°Jake! Where have you been? And why aren¡¯t you dressed?¡± ¡°I am dressed.¡± She merely shook her head, sighed, and returned to her archaeological excavation amongst the winter coats. ¡°Put on a tie,¡± said his father as he finally gave up on his own. ¡°Why?¡± His mother climbed out of the closet. ¡°What do you mean, why? We¡¯re seeing our city councilman tonight. Do you want him to think I let my son dress like a slob?¡± ¡°Huh? When¡ª?¡± ¡°They announced it this afternoon,¡± his father said as he pushed past his wife and retrieved a light overcoat. ¡°After those robot dinosaurs and then the zombies, the City Fathers had an emergency meeting. Our councilman just called a town hall. Everyone in Juban is invited.¡± ¡°They¡¯re not going to get everyone in Juban into the meeting hall.¡± ¡°That doesn¡¯t matter,¡± his mother said as she patted his chest in a vain attempt to remove the wrinkles from his shirt. ¡°Get a dress shirt and a tie. And some nice slacks.¡± ¡°Why do I have to go?¡± ¡°Because your father and I are going, and we want our councilman to know we¡¯re doing our duty and having children¡ªand that we know how to dress them properly.¡±
Jake found a serviceable shirt and a tie, but his slacks weren¡¯t ironed. They¡¯d have to do anyway. He carried his uncomfortable dress shoes down to the front door, where his mother insisted that he put on an overcoat smarter than the windbreaker he¡¯d been wearing. When he searched the closet, all he could find was a baggy, double-breasted trench coat his father hadn¡¯t worn in years. He donned it, checked himself in the first-floor bathroom mirror, and concluded that he looked like he was playing dress-up as a film noir detective. All he lacked was a fedora. ¡°Are we ready to go?¡± yelled his father, who wore a more sensible sports jacket and sweater vest. Jake forced his feet into his shoes without bothering to untie the laces first, and then his mother hustled him out the door. He felt foolish in the trench coat, but wearing it was hardly the most foolish thing he¡¯d done lately. It was only a few blocks to the assembly hall, which stood adjacent to Juban Park. Juban¡¯s designers put in the park to give children a place to play, though it had more than once in the last few decades become a haunt for ghouls and vampires. An evening breeze was blowing, but the big coat made it pleasant. The streets looked inviting and clean, and many people, mostly families walking in groups, made their way on foot to the assembly hall. The hall itself was a squat, cylindrical building. In keeping with the style of Streamline Moderne popular throughout the city, a chrome fascia adorned the cornice of the roof, below which was a row of porthole windows. Below that, however, the architect had apparently given up: from the windows down, most of the building was a flat, unadorned expanse of tan stucco, though a distinctive one-story lobby jutted out from one side, and topping the lobby was a series of decorative fins set with speed lines. The evening was mild. The sky was a deep, fiery orange, and a cool breeze rustled the red leaves on the trees. The thought crossed Jake¡¯s mind that the oak leaves had turned the same color as Dana¡¯s hair. She¡¯d probably look good in autumn colors; it was too bad she insisted on wearing black outside of school. Inside the auditorium, plush seats stood in staggered rows above a semicircular stage. The room was large, but the stage was small to produce the illusion of an intimate setting. A harsh spotlight illuminated a wooden podium. Jake had been to a few of these town halls before. His parents insisted on attending whenever possible, and they insisted on taking him along. It made him uncomfortable, not only because it was boring, but because he knew his mom and dad were showing him off, half in pride and half in embarrassment. Although she didn¡¯t bring it up often, it was a sore point with his mother that she had only managed to have one child. Near the back, someone had set up a row of tables with ice water, coffee, bagels, and pastries. Jake hadn¡¯t eaten since breakfast, so he helped himself. After he devoured his fourth bagel, his mother ordered him to a seat. They sat near the front. Looking back over his shoulder, Jake spotted Ralph, with probably half a gallon of pomade slicking down his rebellious hair, ensconced with his parents in the midst of seven girls. Two of those girls, Jamie and Clarissa, waved at Jake, and he waved back. Ralph¡¯s youngest sister was Alexis, age four. She had butterfly clips holding her pigtails, and she wore a red dress with white flounces, white stockings, and a pair of black Mary Janes. She clopped clumsily down the steps and pushed her way into the row where Jake and his parents sat. Hands clasped before her, she looked up at Jake and lisped solemnly, ¡°I asked if I could sit with you, and they said yes.¡± ¡°Sure,¡± he answered. ¡°Have a seat.¡± Clearly pleased, she pulled herself up into the chair beside him, squirmed until she was comfortable, and beamed at him. He laughed to himself. The thought crossed his mind that any of Ralph¡¯s sisters might be magical girls, and he suddenly stopped laughing. He had grown up with Ralph and all these girls just down the block. In elementary school, he had crushed on Ralph¡¯s oldest sister Barbara, who was now finishing college, and he had changed Alexis¡¯s diapers. The thought of any of them in mortal danger made him sick. Polite but muted applause rippled across the auditorium when Juban¡¯s councilman, Hain J?rvinen, walked onto the stage. He was young for a politician, only in his late thirties, and clean-shaven with hair in a short and nondescript cut. He wore a simple black suit with a red tie, and everything about him bespoke orderliness and business. He was a living symbol of the button-down community he represented to the Fathers. Just as parents insisted on bringing children to this town hall in order to show them to Mr. J?rvinen, J?rvinen sought to project an image of wholesomeness and propriety both to those higher up in the chain of government and to the people he represented. Juban was an experiment, and the experimenters were at pains to make it look presentable. He took to the podium, tapped the mike once to make sure it was on, and said in a pleasant baritone, ¡°Thank you all for coming here tonight on such short notice. Let¡¯s open with a prayer.¡± Almost everyone in the room made the sign of the Moon Princess, and Jake did as well, though his opinions on the Princess¡¯s divinity and relevancy remained agnostic. ¡°Your Majesty,¡± J?rvinen said with head bowed, ¡°we implore you tonight to watch over these proceedings and to grant us wisdom that we may remember those virtues of love and justice that you fought for while still on Earth. May your kingdom come, may you lend strength to your magical girls, and may the forces of evil meet their final defeat. Amen.¡± The last word echoed through the auditorium as those gathered repeated it. J?rvinen made the sign of the Moon Princess himself and then leaned heavily on the podium. He spoke quietly, but the PA system made his words crystal clear. ¡°As you know,¡± he said, ¡°our city just came through one of its worst weeks in many years. Two kaiju struck, first in the Godai District and then right here in Juban. Shortly after that, robot dinosaurs from space, followed immediately by a demon infestation and zombie swarm¡ª¡± A hand went up in the audience. ¡°Yes, I¡¯ll take questions in a moment,¡± J?rvinen said. ¡°Robot dinosaurs from space, followed immediately by a demon infestation and zombie swarm, decimated large portions of Urbanopolis. We lost many good people, and we lost many good magical girls. But as always, humanity stays strong. We band together, and we come through. We put aside all differences, whatever those may be, and we join hands to remember that, no matter what might divide us, what unites us is still greater: we are human. We are one species, one people, and one city, with one Princess.¡± Four more hands went up. ¡°I¡¯ll take questions in a moment. Now, it¡¯s no secret that Juban has been especially blessed. This is one of the newest communities in the city. In the early days, when the fires of the First Invasion raged around humanity¡¯s last survivors, when people crowded together in grimy, over-full neighborhoods with as many as fifty living together in a small room, no one imagined that we might one day be able to expand, that we might be able even to prosper. Some thought we wouldn¡¯t survive. But survive we did, and more than that, we have flourished. We have slowly, inch by inch, begun to reclaim the wastes. People no longer have to live on top of one another. We have houses, parks, neighborhoods. And it is all thanks to the hard work and innovation of those who call Urbanopolis their home. People from many cultures and many walks of life have moved together into Juban to live side-by-side in peace. You are a testament to the harmony of the human race, a harmony that, before the Moon Princess came, no one imagined was possible.¡± He cleared his throat, and seven more hands went up. ¡°In a moment. Now, Juban is prosperous. Those who can afford to move here are those who have been successful, whether through industry or invention or subterranean agriculture, and they have moved into this clean and beautiful neighborhood to raise their families in relative comfort¡ª¡± Mr. Yeboah, a retired gentleman, rail-thin and with a heavily seamed face, stood up from his seat. He lived three blocks down from the Blatowskis, and Jake often saw him standing out front and watering his lawn on Sundays. He cleared his throat loudly and boomed in a gravelly voice, ¡°What exactly are you asking us to do, Mr. J?rvinen?¡± Tottering slightly, Yeboah waved a skinny, liver-spotted arm at the people gathered in the seats. ¡°We don¡¯t need all these words. We know what Juban is. What we don¡¯t know is what the Fathers want.¡± J?rvinen paused. Apparently uncertain of what to make of this interruption, he straightened his tie and then bent a little lower over his microphone before he said, ¡°Very well, Mr. Yeboah. I understand your concern. I met you and your wife at the jichinsai for the public pool, if you recall¡ª¡±This narrative has been unlawfully taken from Royal Road. If you see it on Amazon, please report it. Yeboah raised two shaky, arthritic hands over his head and then brought them down in a gesture of dismissal. ¡°We don¡¯t care about any of that. We need to know what you want.¡± J?rvinen cleared his throat and straightened his tie again. ¡°All right. In spite of the attack by the giant kaiju and a few Robosaurs that dropped into our district, Juban escaped the recent unpleasantness largely unscathed. Many of our neighbors, however, were not so lucky. We are going to rebuild as quickly as possible, but a lot of people are now without homes. For that reason, the City Fathers have decided that, on a temporary basis, we would like to move some of those from the most heavily affected areas into the least affected¡ª¡± The room erupted with angry shouts. Several shook their fists or rose from their seats. Jake glanced at his parents. They sat frozen, their backs ramrod straight and their hands grasping their chairs¡¯ armrests. Then he glanced at Alexis. She was asleep, a line of drool running from her mouth. She had a little smile on her face. ¡°Order, please,¡± said J?rvinen. ¡°Everyone calm down. We can¡¯t make any progress without good order¡ª¡± The yelling got louder. Miss Hatakeyama, a young woman who¡¯d recently moved to Juban after making her fortune improving the efficiency of the hydroponic farms, stood up and cried, ¡°What about our culture?¡± J?rvinen raised a hand. ¡°Everyone, be quiet, please.¡± The shouting died down to a low buzz. ¡°That¡¯s a good question. An excellent question. The Fathers are very concerned about respecting the unique cultures of each of Urbanopolis¡¯s districts, and about preserving as much of human diversity as possible. Our hope is that this will be a temporary solution. To make this happen as smoothly as possible, we are asking smaller families to consider doubling up. If you can take some of your neighbors into your home, that will free more living space for those who, for the time being, have no home.¡± The noise in the room rose in volume again at that last sentence. ¡°Also, to avoid creating any needless conflict, it is our intent to move displaced people into the nearest possible unaffected district. Some of you may be aware that Little India suffered a great deal during these last few days, so it will be from Little India that Juban receives¡ª¡± Mr. Chakraborty, surrounded by his wife, five sons, and three daughters, stood up and shouted, ¡°But Little India is nothing like Juban!¡± ¡°Yes, we are aware of the difference in cultures. But Juban is right on the border of Little India, and if we can move people into apartments that were unaffected by the kaiju, that will be relatively painless. We are not interested in eroding or destroying anything. This is a new district, certainly, but the Fathers view it with as much reverence and respect as they view the older¡ª¡± Up jumped Mrs. M¨¹ller, middle-aged and slightly portly. She shrieked, ¡°Is this because we¡¯re mixed-race?¡± The room immediately fell silent. There it is. Somebody said it. Jake bent forward and leaned his knees on his elbows. He felt slightly ill and wondered if it were something in the bagels. J?rvinen cleared his throat and adjusted his tie again. ¡°Listen, everyone. The Fathers do not, I repeat, do not view any genetic sequence as better or more important than any other. It is true that there are certain breeding incentives for people with rare traits¡ªpure Mongolians or Afridis or Ashkenazi Jews and the like¡ªbut that¡¯s only because they¡¯re rare, not because they¡¯re superior. We are trying to preserve as much of mankind as we can, and that most certainly includes you. There is no eugenics in this city. The Moon Princess was very clear about that. This is not an attempt to replace you or breed you out. This is just an attempt to find housing for a lot of people who need it.¡± He cleared his throat one more time. ¡°We¡¯re not asking you to move in with strangers. We¡¯re asking you to move in with friends and family so we can find room. That¡¯s all. Once the repairs and rebuilding are done, everyone will move back, because we want to preserve the integrity of our districts.¡± ¡°That¡¯s what this is about, isn¡¯t it?¡± Chakraborty yelled. ¡°We¡¯re mixed, so we don¡¯t have any of this so-called ¡®integrity!¡¯¡± The room erupted with noise again. Now J?rvinen¡¯s air of reserved dignity dropped away. He clenched his teeth for a second and then shouted back, ¡°Everybody, quiet! Pipe down! Now, you listen! Everyone wants Juban to succeed! Nobody wants any part of this city, or any part of the human race, to fail! Don¡¯t you understand that?¡± He slapped a hand down onto the podium, and noise died. ¡°You really think the City Fathers want to replace you? Want you to disappear? You have this completely backwards! In fact, the real problem is that Juban is not having enough children! This is the fifth wealthiest district in the entire city. It should be full of children! Just because you can afford the small family tax doesn¡¯t mean you¡¯re exempt from your duty! You all make your money, you move up here, and you buy big houses ¡­ and they¡¯re empty!¡± Jake glanced at his mother. Now she was sobbing into a handkerchief. ¡°The Fathers want to see more of you, not fewer!¡± J?rvinen cried. He took a few deep breaths, and his voice grew quiet again. ¡°I apologize for that outburst. This has actually been a good year, demographically. It was looking for a while like we might break replacement rate just like last year. It¡¯s been six decades since Urbanopolis managed that two years in a row, but now it looks like it¡¯s probably not going to happen, what with the death toll from ¡­¡± He dabbed a sleeve at his face. His voice wavered. ¡°It¡¯s a real testament to our ingenuity and bravery that we¡¯ve managed to expand our territory even as our population has shrunk. It really is ¡­¡± His voice trailed off. He rubbed his temples. ¡°Look, this is out of my hands and over my head. The Fathers have made their decision. This meeting is simply to tell you that it¡¯s going to happen. We ask you to open your houses to your neighbors so that we can move others into your neighborhoods. If you do this voluntarily, it will be much easier.¡± He fingered his tie one more time. ¡°Also, please note that the Fathers decided¡ªin spite of my objection¡ªthat no demonstration permits will be issued to anyone who wants to protest this new policy. Please also remember that demonstrating without a permit is a form of treason, and treason is the one crime that merits capital punishment. That is all for now. You may formally lodge any complaints at City Hall. You¡¯ll receive more extensive and concrete instructions in the mail.¡± With that, he turned around and promptly left the stage. The room erupted again.
As people shouted and talked over one another, Jake¡¯s mother and father huddled together. They mumbled back and forth in what Jake had come to think of, from an early age, as their ¡°concerned¡± voices. His mother continued dabbing at her eyes with her handkerchief. ¡°What do you think, Kosmy?¡± His father shook his head. ¡°It¡¯s a big responsibility, Silvia. Who do we know¡ª?¡± ¡°Well, we certainly have room¡ª¡± ¡°Do we¡ª?¡± ¡°There¡¯s the second downstairs¡ª¡± ¡°That¡¯s my den. What about the second upstairs¡ª?¡± ¡°That¡¯s my sewing room¡ª¡± ¡°We¡¯d have to give up something¡ª¡± ¡°We¡¯d have to give up both¡ª¡± ¡°Should we¡ª? ¡°We should.¡± His mother¡¯s knuckles turned white as she clutched her handkerchief. She said it again: ¡°We should. We should, Kosmy. It¡¯s our duty.¡± Holy Princess. Are they serious? ¡°I think maybe we should lodge a complaint instead,¡± Jake said. His parents turned and looked at him, faces blank but expectant. ¡°I mean, it¡¯s just a thought,¡± he added. ¡°You don¡¯t want to do this?¡± his mother asked. ¡°For the city?¡± Then she tried what she apparently thought would persuade him: ¡°What would Pretty Dynamo think?¡± Jake turned up his hands. ¡°Why should I care what she thinks? If I asked her, she¡¯d probably just say, ¡®you¡¯re stupid,¡¯ or something like that.¡± His father frowned. ¡°No, really, Dad. That¡¯s how she talks. Magical girls aren¡¯t the perfect little goddesses they show on TV.¡± His father scowled. ¡°Well, that Sukeban Tsubasa certainly isn¡¯t, but I think we can expect better from Pretty Dynamo.¡± Apparently uninterested in any further comments from Jake, he turned back to his wife and said, ¡°Do we know someone who would want to move in?¡± ¡°Well, I¡¯m not sure ¡­ most of our neighbors have quite a few kids already. What about the Willikers?¡± ¡°Mom,¡± said Jake, ¡°Ralph has seven sisters. One of them is drooling right next to me.¡± ¡°That would be rather cramped,¡± she replied. His father said, ¡°What about that ¡­ what¡¯s her name? Chelsea?¡± His mother lowered her voice. ¡°Dear, Jake can¡¯t live with his girlfriend.¡± ¡°Why not?¡± ¡°That¡¯s not appropriate.¡± ¡°They¡¯d be in separate¡ª¡± ¡°Dear, it¡¯s not appropriate.¡± She turned to Jake again. ¡°Honey, do you know anyone at school? Any kids from small¡ª?¡± ¡°I haven¡¯t really bothered to get to know the kids at school.¡± ¡°No, I suppose you haven¡¯t.¡± Jake interlaced his fingers before his face and stared at the stage for half a minute while his parents continued debating. He rolled his tongue around in his mouth and, before he realized what he was saying, formed the words, ¡°You know, I do know one kid ¡­ sort of ¡­¡± His parents grew silent and looked at him expectantly again. ¡°I mean, I don¡¯t know her real well. And I guess I don¡¯t know how big her family is, but, uh, she¡¯s never mentioned any brothers or sisters, so¡ª¡± ¡°She?¡± said his mom. ¡°It¡¯s a she?¡± ¡°Yeah.¡± ¡°Is she here?¡± ¡°I don¡¯t know.¡± But I bet I could spot her if she is. Jake stood, turned, and scanned the room. The noise had reduced again to an angry buzz as many people had filed out. A few stood at their seats and debated with harsh whispers and wild gesticulations. Some drank coffee and chatted near the refreshment table. Others shuffled in a queue moving out toward the lobby. But almost immediately, Jake¡¯s eyes latched onto a distinctive spot of red near the back. He swallowed. ¡°I don¡¯t know if she¡¯s here or not, but that¡¯s gotta be her mom.¡± He pointed. His parents rose from their seats and followed his finger with their eyes. ¡°Oh my,¡± said his mother. Standing near the back of the auditorium was a tall woman, perhaps almost as tall as Jake was. She looked young. Slender yet well proportioned, she wore a simple empire-waist gown of moss green. The gown was sleeveless, displaying long arms that were slim but well-muscled. A narrow face and a slightly aquiline nose lent her an air of strength and nobility, though that same nose ended in an upturned bulb suggesting girlishness. A cascade of thick, wavy red hair, like a waterfall on fire, tumbled from her head to well below her waist. With large, bright green eyes, she slowly surveyed the space before her, her jaw firmly set. She dominated the room. The people around her, every few seconds, gave her nervous glances. Every eye drew toward her. She seemed aloof, yet her presence was inescapable. She stood like a queen among her subjects, or like a goddess among men. Wow. Is that what Dana¡¯s gonna look like when she¡ª? Jake rapped his knuckles against his temple to halt that thought. His mother leaned toward him and whispered, ¡°You know her?¡± ¡°Uh, no, but I know her daughter.¡± ¡°How can you tell¡ª?¡± ¡°How many redheads do you think there are in Juban?¡± Besides, she basically looks like a big Dana. ¡°Well,¡± said his mother as she tried in vain to smooth a few wrinkles out of the sleeves of her dress, ¡°let¡¯s go introduce ourselves.¡± Jake¡¯s father scowled. ¡°Now?¡± ¡°Yes, Kosmy, now!¡± They marched up the steps toward the back of the auditorium. The redheaded woman grew only more majestic and intimidating as they drew nearer, though once they were only one row of seats away, a splatter of freckles across her cheeks became apparent, and it softened her appearance. ¡°What¡¯s her name?¡± Jake¡¯s mother whispered. ¡°Volt.¡± She surveyed the woman for another second, took a deep breath, and then went in. ¡°Excuse me, Mrs. Volt?¡± It suddenly occurred to Jake that this woman looked too young to be Dana¡¯s mother. She was an adult, obviously older than he was, so he hadn¡¯t thought about it at first, but she was probably only in her early twenties. But now it was too late to say anything about it. The woman turned toward them, and her air of haughty aloofness instantly disappeared when her wide mouth split into a decidedly toothy grin. Her teeth were very straight and very white, but they were also rather large. ¡°Oh, hello,¡± she said. ¡°It¡¯s so nice to see you!¡± Perhaps taken aback by the warmth of the greeting, Jake¡¯s mother blinked for a moment before she said, ¡°Uh, shake or¡ª?¡± ¡°Oh, we hug where I¡¯m from!¡± The woman grabbed her in a bear hug. ¡°I¡¯m Mildred, Mildred F. Volt. But you can call me Mil. And you must be¡ª?¡± Jake¡¯s mother backed out of the awkward hug. ¡°Oh, I¡¯m Silvia Blatowski.¡± The two women took each other¡¯s hands, and what next passed between them was an exchange of breathless pleasantries, gossip, and bright laughter. Jake watched and listened, but this ritual of feminine greeting barely registered on his male brain. He didn¡¯t quite understand what they were saying, and perhaps he couldn¡¯t. Then he noticed Dana. She stood behind Mil as if using her for a shield. In one hand, like a much younger child, she held a fistful of the back of Mil¡¯s dress. In the other, she clutched a purse that probably contained Tesla. Looking small and shy, she peeked at him from around Mil¡¯s waist. Her green eyes were half-lidded, and her lip was curled in her customary sneer. She had again caked on thick makeup to hide her freckles, and she again had on dark eyeliner. She wore a black dress with a laced bodice at the waist and several layers of ruffled chiffon filling out the knee-length skirt. Around her calves and hanging over her sneakers, she wore black leather leggings held together with several nickel buckles. On her head, she had a fascinator made of black silk folded to look like a cluster of roses, from which hung a transparent mourning veil. Holy Princess, Dana, why not just slap a sign on your back that says, ¡®I¡¯m a magical girl¡¯? Jake¡¯s mother said to Mil, ¡°I think your daughter knows my son Jake¡ª¡± Jake expected Mil to say that she was actually Dana¡¯s sister, but instead she pointed her toothy grin his way, and her green eyes sparkled as she cried, ¡°Oh, so this is Jake! Yes, my little Dana just can¡¯t stop talking about the ¡®big kid¡¯ in her class!¡± Dana¡¯s face fell, and she tugged at Mil¡¯s sleeve. ¡°Mo-o-om,¡± she hissed, ¡°noooo!¡± So this really is her mother. Mil put an arm around Dana¡¯s shoulders. Dana leaned against her and stuck out her lip in a pout. ¡°I just want you to know, Mrs. Blatowski, how much I appreciate what you do. I know it¡¯s not easy¡±¡ªMil leaned forward, put a hand beside her mouth, and whispered loudly¡ª¡°you know, raising a child with special needs.¡± Jake¡¯s mother frowned. ¡°But Jake isn¡¯t a special needs child.¡± ¡°Oh?¡± Mil looked down at Dana. ¡°Honey, you told me he was retarded.¡± ¡°He is,¡± Dana replied, now folding her arms and staring at Jake. ¡°Uh oh, someone¡¯s crabby.¡± Mil slid both arms around Dana¡¯s neck. ¡°We need to get you home and put you to bed, don¡¯t we?¡± Dana, lip outthrust, shook her head. Half-lidded eyes still directed at Jake, she said, ¡°Who are you supposed to be, anyway? Sam Spade?¡± ¡°Huh? Oh, you mean the trench coat.¡± Jake thrust his hands into the coat¡¯s pockets. ¡°Yeah, I¡¯m Sam Spade. ¡®Two lonely people on a hill of beans, which are the stuff dreams are made of, but the strawberries, that¡¯s where I had them¡¯ ¡­ or something like that. And what are you supposed to be? Are you going to a goth funeral, or are you trying to look like Sword Seamstress?¡± Dana¡¯s eyes narrowed, and her teeth clenched. She looked ready to release a barb, but the presence of her mother apparently stopped her. ¡°Oh, you¡¯re so cute!¡± Mil cried. ¡°Like two peas in a pod. I have to pinch both your cheeks!¡± Lightning quick, she clamped a death grip onto Jake¡¯s face and shook him until his brain rattled. Dana, however, she only gave a light pat. Once she let go, he gingerly rubbed his cheek, certain he¡¯d have a bruise. Not that it mattered. He had plenty of bruises anyway. ¡°Mrs. Volt,¡± said Jake¡¯s mother, ¡°I don¡¯t think there¡¯s a way to say this that isn¡¯t awkward, so I¡¯ll just say it. We were talking about doing what the Fathers are asking¡ªyou know, having someone move in with us. We have a large house, and it¡¯s just the three of us, and we were talking about who we might know, and ¡­ well, Jake thought of you and your daughter¡ª¡± ¡°Oh, there¡¯s an idea.¡± Mil laughed quietly. Her smile remained, but it became strained. ¡°Truth is, I was thinking about moving out of Juban, maybe into Little Europe. I feel like Dana and I don¡¯t fit in here.¡± She leaned forward and lowered her voice again. ¡°You know, because we¡¯re white.¡± Jake¡¯s mother gasped. ¡°Oh ¡­ oh, no, no! We don¡¯t see things like that at all! Why, ah¡±¡ªshe put a hand on Jake¡¯s shoulder¡ª¡°Jake¡¯s girlfriend is white!¡± Sweet Princess, Mom, don¡¯t use Chelsea to show off your open-mindedness. Mil looked down at Dana, whom she still had caged in her arms. ¡°What do you think, sport? You wanna share a house with the big kid?¡± Dana took a few seconds to respond, but then firmly shook her head. Mil laughed and squeezed her. ¡°It¡¯s past someone¡¯s bedtime. That¡¯s what I think.¡± She offered another broad smile, but now it looked weary. ¡°We¡¯d be happy to come visit and discuss things further, Mrs. Blatowski. We really would. But I wouldn¡¯t want to impose or make trouble¡ª¡± ¡°You wouldn¡¯t be imposing! We¡¯re looking for someone to move in, after all.¡± ¡°I¡¯d love to discuss it. It might be a great idea. Our apartment¡¯s quite small, though it¡¯s just me and Dana now since her daddy died.¡± She gave Dana another squeeze. A knot tightened in Jake¡¯s stomach. Pretty Dynamo had hinted something like that. Out on the street, shortly after drubbing him, she¡¯d begun to talk about her father, but had stopped herself. Oh man, and I just laughed at Dana when she bragged about kissing him. No wonder she got mad. Sheesh, I gotta make it up to her¡ª ¡°I¡¯m so sorry to hear that,¡± Jake¡¯s mother said, her eyes moist. She leaned toward Mil and lowered her voice before she asked, ¡°Was it ¡­ was it monsters?¡± Mil¡¯s smile fell away. ¡°I wish it were,¡± she answered. She straightened her back and raised her chin, and her look of power and regality returned. Jake took a step back, momentarily awed. ¡°No,¡± Mil said. ¡°It wasn¡¯t monsters that killed my husband and took away Dana¡¯s father. It was that Magical Girl Pretty Dynamo, and I swear I will never forgive her so long as I live.¡± Chapter 23: The Beach Episode of Darkness On the desolate slope of a craggy mountain where no snow fell and no flowers grew, a high castle of black basalt stood resilient against the biting, howling wind. Deep in the castle¡¯s bowels, the Dark Queen, mistress of all that is base and wicked, sat upon her throne of black obsidian, tapped the six-inch stiletto heel of one of her onyx-encrusted pumps against her footstool, and read the newspaper. For several minutes, she read in regal silence. Then, at last, she slowly and with great dignity lowered the paper to her lap. ¡°Darn it!¡± she shouted. ¡°I can¡¯t take it anymore! Somebody bring me a lamp! A lamp with one of those full-spectrum daylight bulbs! And cute cartoon characters on the lampshade! And make sure it¡¯s an incandescent or an LED bulb, too, not that other kind! I don¡¯t need mercury poisoning to go with the bad eyes!¡± An enormous, wart-covered troll, its skin rough like weathered limestone, crouched near her throne. He cleared his throat and waved a stubby hand. ¡°Erm, beggin¡¯ Your Darkness¡¯s pardonation, but t¡¯ain¡¯t no lights allowed in ye royal throne room. Tis ye strictest orders, y¡¯see.¡± She tapped the paper against her thigh and tapped long fingernails on an armrest. ¡°Says who?¡± He cleared his throat again. ¡°Um ¡­ royal decree number six hundred and twenty¡ª¡± ¡°Oh, what-ev-er! I¡¯m the Dark Queen, I make the decrees, and I say I need a freaking reading light! Do you want to see your Queen sitting up here in Coke-bottom bifocals because she¡¯s ruined her eyesight with all this bloody darkness? Oh, I¡¯m sure that will be good for the ambiance around here! That¡¯ll really have the scary throne room effect! ¡®Behold, denizens of the Earth! Bow down and tremble before the Dark Grandma, evil nerd girl, and despair!¡¯¡± With many apologetic mutterings and much scraping, the troll rose clumsily from his haunches and hastily lumbered off. The Queen leaned back in her throne and rubbed her forehead. ¡°Ugh, I¡¯m getting another headache. Where in the world is that useless¡ª?¡± With a flash of white light and the sound of tinkling bells, Chirops appeared in midair. His pale eyes widened in surprise, and he flapped his wings furiously, but he tumbled gracelessly to the floor in a heap anyway. The Queen squeezed her eyes shut and sighed. ¡°Speak of the devil. What kept you, Chirops? Did you stop for a cup of coffee on the way?¡± Chirops picked himself up and brushed off his wings. ¡°Well, I took a wrong turn in the stream, Your Darkness, and I, erm, sort of ended up on a space station orbiting Betelgeuse ¡­ and they did have a coffee shop¡ª¡± ¡°Oh? And how¡¯s the coffee on Betelgeuse, Chirops?¡± ¡°It¡¯s out of this world, Your Darkness.¡± She tapped her fingers on an armrest again for half a minute while Chirops nervously fidgeted. ¡°All right, come here, Chirops. I want to hear about your brave exploits in man¡¯s last city.¡± Chirops stared down at the basalt pavement while he twiddled his claws. ¡°Well, Your Darkness, to be honest, I, um¡ª¡± ¡°Come here, Chirops.¡± Chirops swallowed loudly and, trembling, waddled toward her. ¡°Yes, Your Darkness?¡± ¡°A little closer, Chirops.¡± Whimpering, he stepped up onto the dais, walked to the right side of the throne, and meekly peeked over the armrest. ¡°Your Darkness?¡± The Dark Queen took a series of deep, calming breaths as she carefully rolled the newspaper into a tube and whacked him over the head with it. He squeaked. Unfurling the paper with a snap, she pointed a sharp fingernail at the front page, where a gigantic photo depicted Chirops flapping in the air above a demon-possessed madman squaring off against Sukeban Tsubasa. The headline screamed, ¡°WHO¡¯S BAD? NOT EVEN DEVIL BAD ENOUGH FOR MAGICAL BAD GIRL!¡± ¡°You failed!¡± the Queen shrieked. Chirops¡¯s ears drooped. ¡°Do you think there is room in my kingdom of uttermost darkness for failures?¡± Chirops gave a hesitant glance toward the slavering minions peeking out of the chamber¡¯s many shadows. ¡°There must be,¡± he muttered. She whacked him with the paper again. ¡°I asked you to kill Barfing Boy, and you¡¯re telling me you couldn¡¯t even do that one simple thing.¡± ¡°Actually, you asked me not to kill him. You said to¡ª¡± She whacked him a third time. As he rubbed the top of his fuzzy head and blinked away tears, she opened the paper to expose the second page, which featured a photo of a bewildered-looking teenage boy, tall and broad-shouldered but somewhat gangly as if his limbs didn¡¯t quite fit together properly, in the midst of a milling crowd. Beneath the photo, the headline ran, ¡°MAGICAL CAT FIGHT: MYSTERIOUS ¡®BARFING BOY¡¯ IS MAGICAL GIRLS¡¯ MOST WANTED!¡± ¡°Do you see this, Chirops? Do you see it? I wanted this boy humiliated, ruined, destroyed! Instead, he¡¯s a celebrity, and now the magical girls are squabbling over which one gets to wield his wand!¡± Chirops whimpered. She took another deep breath and rubbed her temples. ¡°Ugh. Seriously, this has been a really rough week.¡± ¡°Oh, I know,¡± said Chirops. ¡°But even with all the setbacks, we¡¯re making progress. After all, the Crystal¡ª¡± ¡°I need a break. Yes, that¡¯s it. A break.¡± The Dark Queen rose slowly and majestically from her throne, being sure as she did to allow her loose, gauzy garments to tumble alluringly around her voluptuous hourglass figure. Once she stood at her full six feet, six inches (counting the heels), she raised her voice and called to her sycophants, ¡°I shall be in my reverse harem until further notice! Unless it is extremely important, I am not to be disturbed.¡± Holding her back stiffly and lifting her chin in a show of haughty grandeur, she sniffed once and added, ¡°So hold all my calls.¡± Her heels echoed against the basalt as she stepped down from the dais. ¡°Come, Chirops.¡± Chirops slumped. ¡°Aww, are you gonna make me run the tiki bar again?¡± ¡°You¡¯re the only one around here who can mix a decent Mai Tai. Come, Chirops!¡±
Below the black castle ran an extensive series of dungeons full of pitch-black cells in which snakes slithered and rats skittered and squeaked. Cobwebs hung from the ceilings, and moldering skeletons hung from heavy chains. Deep in the darkest and dankest of these dungeons stood a heavy door of oak, its surface dented and splintered. It had a single iron ring exactly in its center, above which sat a tiny, barred window of opaque, leaded glass. The door was utterly nondescript, and anyone seeing it in this miserable place of rough-cut stone and scattered straw might assume that it led into some chamber of unspeakable tortures where lurked a thickset man with a bare, oiled chest and a black hood that showed nothing of his face except wild, bloodshot eyes. The Dark Queen, holding an oil lamp aloft, with Chirops in tow and the newspaper tucked under one arm, crept to this door. She carefully set down the lamp, removed her shoes, took another deep breath, and put a hand to her breast to calm a fluttering heart. Then she threw that door open, and the bright light of a noonday sun blazed in. With the light came a fresh breeze on which wafted the scent of salt and sea spray as well as a delightful array of tropical fruits: banana, pineapple, coconut, and papaya. It was like a particularly expensive air freshener. Once they stepped through the door, their feet dug into clean, white sand. The sun shone overhead in a clear blue sky, and the waves of the ocean crashed rhythmically against a stretch of beach. Palm trees hissed as their broad leaves waved in the tropical breeze. High, brown cliffs enclosed this narrow, sandy strip, but a lonely lighthouse, its white sides turned blue by haze, stood vigil in the distance. On the beach sat a modest, square hut of bamboo and thatch, beside which lay a wooden deck full of tables to which broad umbrellas offered shade. Several well-tanned and tautly muscled young men, barely more than boys, frolicked in the sun: a few played volleyball, and a few splashed each other in the water. One sat on a beach towel under a parasol and read from a thick book. Another lounged on the deck and toyed with a drink. The Dark Queen took a deep breath. ¡°Ah, I love this room. It¡¯s amazing what they can do these days with holographic technology.¡± Chirops scratched himself behind the ears. ¡°You know this is the reason our electric bill is so high.¡± ¡°Stop being a killjoy. I need this place.¡± She snapped her fingers, and her usual outfit¡ªa black peekaboo dress with a low V-cut neckline and a slit up the side¡ªinstantly evaporated. In its place, in a flash of light, appeared a tiny string bikini barely able to constrain her generously proportioned figure. With another snap, a bright yellow wraparound skirt encircled her waist, sunglasses dropped over her eyes, and a broad straw hat lowered itself onto her head. ¡°Finally,¡± she said with a spread of her hands, ¡°I feel free!¡± Chirops¡¯s mouth dropped open. He stared for almost half a minute until blood dribbled from his snout. He quickly turned away and scrabbled at his face. ¡°Erm, I, um ¡­ I get spontaneous nosebleeds! It¡¯s a medical thing! They don¡¯t mean any¡ª¡± ¡°All right, Chirops,¡± said the Queen with her hands on her wide hips, ¡°you¡¯re running the bar, and you know what I want.¡± ¡°Well, okay,¡± he said as he wiped a wing across his nose, ¡°but before I can mix a Mai Tai, it¡¯s gonna take me a while to make the orgeat syrup.¡± She sighed. ¡°There¡¯s always something. Say, have I properly introduced you to my reverse harem?¡± ¡°Well, I think you¡ª¡± ¡°I haven¡¯t been down here in forever. Come on.¡± She marched toward the bamboo building, and Chirops waddled after. When they arrived, the Dark Queen threw herself down next to a skinny blond boy languishing on a stool. The boy wore bright orange swim trunks and a pair of flip-flops, but he wore no shirt, so Chirops and the Queen had a full view of his bronzed but decidedly bony and largely hairless torso. Around his neck, he wore a metal collar on which a bright red light glowed steadily. This was his hypnotism collar: all the members of the reverse harem were former residents of Urbanopolis whom the Queen had selected, abducted, and then fitted with collars to ensure their pliability. The boy¡¯s long pianist¡¯s fingers played with the toothpick holding the olive in his martini. He grinned a sickly grin. Chirops scratched one ear. ¡°Is he getting enough iron? He looks kind of¡ª¡± ¡°Your Darkness,¡± the boy said, dipping his head slightly in her direction, ¡°I don¡¯t usually hobnob with the commoners, but for one of your beauty, I believe I could make an exception.¡± Chirops gasped. The Queen, however, looked entirely unoffended. She grinned and rubbed her hands together. ¡°Ah, Chirops, this is Tamaki. He¡¯s my ¡®spoiled rich¡¯ type. One of my all-time favorites.¡± ¡°That bikini,¡± Tamaki said with a curled lip as he sipped his drink. ¡°Off the rack, I take it?¡± Chirops squeaked and slapped his claws over his mouth, but the Queen merely giggled. With a faint clink, Tamaki lowered his glass back to the table. ¡°Would you like something, Your Darkness?¡± ¡°Oh, yes. Of course.¡± ¡°Then send your footman there to fetch it. Serving others is beneath me.¡± He leaned his chin on one thin hand and looked away from her, apparently bored. She put her hands to her face, and a blush formed in her cheeks. Chirops shook his head. ¡°I ¡­ I don¡¯t get it.¡± ¡°You can¡¯t see the appeal of this one? No? Hm. Come, I have others!¡± She rose from her stool and walked back out onto the hot sand. With Chirops waddling along behind, she approached the boy lounging on the beach towel. He looked up, pushed his glasses up his nose, and said in a surprisingly deep voice, ¡°I hope you¡¯ve not come to ruin my concentration with girlish prattle, Your Darkness. I am examining a tome explicating a mathematical model of quantum tunneling, and I must employ my full intellective faculties if I am to appreciate it properly.¡± The Queen blushed again, leaned down, and whispered to Chirops, ¡°That¡¯s Ryuji. He¡¯s my ¡®intellectual¡¯ type.¡± ¡°I figured that out.¡± ¡°Let¡¯s not bother him. He looks absorbed.¡± ¡°What? But isn¡¯t he there to be your¡ª?¡± She strode toward the beach volleyball game. When she drew near, one of the young men paused as he was about to serve. He stared at the Queen for a few seconds, but then looked away and clucked his tongue. ¡°Ohayou, Aki-kun!¡± the Queen called with a wave. ¡°Whatever,¡± he said sullenly. ¡°I hate you. You¡¯re fat. I can¡¯t believe you actually looked at another guy.¡± This time, the Queen¡¯s whole face turned crimson, and she squealed like a little girl. ¡°Oh, Aki is my ¡®tsundere¡¯ boy! I just love tsundere boys!¡± ¡°So, these guys,¡± said Chirops, ¡°do they just insult you all the time, or what?¡± ¡°Poor Chirops.¡± She patted his head. ¡°You can¡¯t possibly understand a woman¡¯s heart.¡± ¡°That¡¯s for sure.¡± ¡°But enough of all that.¡± She snapped her fingers, and immediately the four boys playing volleyball ceased their game and ran to her side. ¡°Aki,¡± she said, ¡°get me a chair and an umbrella.¡± He sprinted away and quickly came back with a beach lounger of woven grass on a lacquered frame. He set it in the sand and planted a beach umbrella next to it. The Queen lay down and pointed at another boy. ¡°Hachiro, fan me.¡± Hachiro rapidly produced a poufy ostrich feather and waved it over her. ¡°And finally,¡± she said, ¡°Gyukudo, just stand there and flex.¡± The tallest and most heavyset of the boys, his chiseled face grave, gave her a single nod. Then he quietly and slowly moved through a series of poses to show off his well-formed biceps and the taut muscles of his broad chest and flat abdomen. The Queen sighed deeply. ¡°Oh, wow. Gyukudo-kun is my ¡®strong silent¡¯ type. He¡¯s almost too much man to take.¡± ¡°I¡¯m not sure I can take it,¡± Chirops muttered before he stuck a claw down his throat. ¡°This is the life,¡± the Queen said as she languidly stretched her arms over her head. ¡°This is all any girl really needs: sun, sand, and shirtless muscle boys. Don¡¯t you think so, Chirops?¡± ¡°If you say so, Your Darkness.¡± A girl in probably her late teens, wearing a one-piece bathing suit, ran over with a plate of assorted fruits in her hands. She knelt at the Dark Queen¡¯s side, and the Queen plucked a grape and put it in her mouth. Chirops scratched his head. ¡°Why is she¡ª?¡± ¡°This is Aoi-chan,¡± said the Queen as she chewed. ¡°Every reverse harem should have one girl, just in case someone¡¯s into that.¡± ¡°But you¡¯re the only one who comes down here, so¡ª¡± Aoi put the loosely curled knuckles of one hand to her lips, hunched her shoulders, and looked away. ¡°Oh, Your D-Darkness,¡± she said in a soft, shy voice, ¡°it seems the five-star hotel we¡¯re all staying in made a mistake and didn¡¯t get us enough rooms. But I guess I d-don¡¯t mind sh-sharing a bed with you ¡­ if you don¡¯t mind.¡± As she spoke, her voice fell to a whisper, and pink filled her cheeks. Chirops¡¯s jaw came unhinged, and his snout leaked blood again. ¡°You see, Chirops?¡± the Queen said as she spread her hands. ¡°I have almost every type down here. There¡¯s only one missing! Only one kind I do not yet have in my collection! Can you guess what it is?¡± Chirops smeared blood over his face as he wiped in vain at his nose. ¡°Um ¡­ a guy who doesn¡¯t insult you?¡± She still had the newspaper, so she pulled it out and slapped him over the head with it. ¡°No, you idiot! I am missing only the plain type, the ordinary type, the cute-but-not-remarkable type! The type that stays faithful because he knows he¡¯s got a good deal! The type that makes you feel good about yourself because you¡¯re slightly out of his league, but not so far out of his league that you find him completely unattractive!¡± Chirops gasped. ¡°You mean¡ª?¡± ¡°That¡¯s right, Chirops! I¡¯m missing ¡­ the ¡®boy next door¡¯ type!¡± Chirops¡¯s shoulders shook. He ducked his head and twiddled his claws. ¡°Um, gosh, Your Darkness, y¡¯know, you might be able to find one like that ¡­ erm ¡­ if you just looked¡ª¡± ¡°I have looked.¡± She unrolled the paper, opened to the second page, and pointed at the photograph. ¡°And I¡¯ve found him! This is what the magical girls are after! This is what Pretty Dynamo wants to keep for herself! This is what I must have!¡± Chirops blinked. ¡°Him? You think¡ª?¡± ¡°Exactly! Why would magical girls fight over him?¡± ¡°I don¡¯t know. He seems kind of¡ª¡± ¡°Plain? Ordinary? Precisely! He¡¯s downright dull! And that¡¯s why he¡¯s so desirable, Chirops!¡± Chirops scratched his ear again. ¡°That doesn¡¯t make any¡ª¡± The Queen rolled her eyes. ¡°Chirops, you really don¡¯t understand a woman¡¯s heart.¡± ¡°I¡¯m coming to realize that, yeah.¡± She ran one hand over Barfing Boy¡¯s photograph and gazed at it with a small smile. ¡°They want him, so I¡¯m going to have him. Hurt him? Maim him? I was a fool to think that. No, there is a better way to avenge myself on my enemy: I¡¯m going to make this boy mine ¡­ and Pretty Dynamo is going to watch.¡± ¡°You think she¡¯s into that?¡± ¡°That¡¯s not what I mean, idiot. No, I¡¯m going to take him away from her, and I¡¯m going to do it just because she wants him. Then Pretty Dynamo will be destroyed¡ªand my reverse harem will be complete!¡± She released a loud, menacing cackle that echoed from the vaulted stone ceiling hidden above the holographic sky. ¡°Ah,¡± she said with a sigh as she stretched her hands above her head, ¡°I knew I¡¯d feel better if I came down here.¡± She tossed the newspaper into Chirops¡¯s face. ¡°Cut that photo out and frame it.¡± After peeling the paper off his snout, Chirops stared down at the picture and twisted his mouth. ¡°When you¡¯ve captured him,¡± the Queen added, ¡°have him bathed and then send him to my chambers.¡± ¡°When I¡¯ve captured him?¡± ¡°Is there an echo in here?¡± the Queen asked with the lifting of an eyebrow. ¡°An echo that changes pronouns? Yes, when you¡¯ve captured him, send him to me. And try not to take a detour to Betelgeuse this time.¡± Chirops swallowed audibly. The paper crackled as his claws shook. ¡°What are you waiting for?¡± the Queen snapped. ¡°Do it! Shuffle off, now.¡± ¡°What about your Mai Tai?¡± She tapped her chin for half a minute. ¡°Never mind that. Boys before booze. Get to it!¡± She waved him away and then snapped her fingers. ¡°Gyokudo, come here! Rub my shoulders. Queenie needs to release some tension.¡±
Chirops waddled back toward the oak door, which, thanks to the holographic illusion, stood by itself in the middle of the beach with no visible wall behind it. He stared down at the rumpled paper in his claws, at the blurry black-and-white photograph of a foolish-looking teenage boy. ¡°I think she could find a much better plain, ordinary guy,¡± he mumbled. ¡°If she really wanted to. If she really, really looked.¡± Before he was quite out of earshot, he barely heard the Dark Queen mutter to herself as she relaxed under Gyokudo¡¯s ministrations, ¡°I¡¯ll show that city. I¡¯ll show them all. Teach those fools to betray me ¡­¡± As her voice dropped into inaudibility, Chirops paused at the door and brushed away a fresh tear. ¡°Oh, Queen,¡± he whispered, ¡°is all this really worth it?¡±
Magical Girl Grease Pencil Marionette remembered.Unauthorized duplication: this tale has been taken without consent. Report sightings. The Moon Princess and her team had just fought another victorious battle. The city¡¯s west end, which would one day be New Oslo, lay in ruins. Smoke filled the sky, and the sun was a blood-red disc. In the center of a street littered with twisted I-beams and scattered chunks of concrete, the Moon Princess stood atop a pile of rubble, and a wind from the sea whipped her long, golden hair. Her enemies, charred and mangled beyond recognition, lay around her, scattered like discarded toys. In her left hand, she held her wand, a four-foot length of ivory topped with a crescent moon carved from diamond. In her right hand, she held her sword. Her arms, up to the elbows, were smeared with blood again. Marionette sat at her feet and held her grease pencil in her lap. She stared at the pencil¡¯s tip, unblinking, unmoving, like a puppet waiting for its master to make it dance. But her mechanical senses recorded everything. Other members of the Princess¡¯s team soon reported in. Snapping their hands to their foreheads with middle and index fingers spread, they made smart salutes and awaited further orders. Magical Himiko walked up to the base of the rubble pile and made a salute herself. ¡°Everyone¡¯s here except Ice Queen, Your Majesty, but I spoke with her over the com five minutes ago. I expect her soon.¡± The Moon Princess nodded. ¡°Very good, Himiko. You¡¯ve served me well.¡± Himiko blushed. Ice Queen arrived. She ran into the street, her teal hair tangled and swishing across her face. Tears had streaked her eyeshadow, and blood had speckled her uniform. Her miniskirt was ripped. ¡°Your Majesty!¡± She ran to the base of the rubble pile, clutched her knees, and caught her breath. The Princess turned her clear blue eyes to Ice Queen, smiled warmly, and waited. ¡°Your Majesty,¡± Ice Queen gasped, ¡°I saw him!¡± ¡°Him?¡± the Princess asked. Ice Queen¡¯s pale cheeks displayed an uncharacteristic hue of red. She swallowed and toyed for a moment with the tsuba of the katana at her waist. She brushed some of the loose hair out of her eyes. ¡°He fell from a window during the attack,¡± she said, her voice wavering slightly. ¡°I caught him¡ª¡± ¡°You saved a man¡¯s life?¡± the Princess asked, her smile growing slightly larger. ¡°Well done. You have done your duty.¡± ¡°No, it¡¯s not that, Your Majesty! I mean ¡­ I mean, well, I had to put him down to keep fighting, and I didn¡¯t get his name, but his eyes¡ª¡± She lowered her head and clapped a hand to her face. Her shoulders shook. Hatchet Harridan released a sharp, derisive laugh, almost a bark. ¡°Well, well, well. Ice Queen interested in a boy? Now I¡¯ve see everything. Whatsamatta, Icy? Hell¡¯s Belle not doin¡¯ it for you anymore?¡± Nearby, Hell¡¯s Belle stood with her arms folded and stared at the sky, pretending lack of interest. But she shot Hatchet Harridan a single, sharp glance. ¡°I think it¡¯s delicious,¡± Whip Witch said with a purr. ¡°Are you making a request of me?¡± the Princess said calmly. Ice Queen took a deep breath and said, ¡°Sentinel. If I described him to Sentinel, the computer could make a model of his face and match it against the database¡ª¡± Her voice trailed off when the Moon Princess shook her head. Himiko cleared her throat. ¡°Ice Queen, Sentinel is not for spying on the citizenry.¡± ¡°I wouldn¡¯t spy! I just¡ª¡± ¡°It ain¡¯t for stalking, either,¡± Hatchet Harridan said with a chuckle. ¡°But¡ª!¡± Himiko stepped up to Ice Queen and pointed a finger in her face. ¡°Drop it. I already told you¡ª¡± ¡°But¡ª¡± ¡°Drop it!¡± Hell¡¯s Belle unfolded her arms, walked to Ice Queen¡¯s side, and clapped her gauntleted hand on her shoulder. ¡°Himiko, step back.¡± ¡°Excuse me?¡± ¡°Step back. You¡¯re in Ice Queen¡¯s space.¡± ¡°I¡¯m getting tired of your insubordination, Hell¡¯s Belle¡ª¡± ¡°And I¡¯m getting tired of your attitude.¡± Himiko held out a hand, and her naginata unfolded from her sleeve. Hell¡¯s Belle snorted. ¡°That¡¯s your answer to everything, isn¡¯t it?¡± ¡°One of these days, Hell¡¯s Belle,¡± Himiko hissed, ¡°I am going to put you in your place.¡± ¡°If you want a go at me, Himiko, we can do it right here.¡± She hauled her claymore from its sheath and swung. Himiko blocked the blow and leapt back. With her supernatural strength, Belle could wield the massive, two-handed weapon as if it were a short sword, but Himiko was just as deft with her polearm. For half a minute, steel rang against steel as the two slashed, thrust, and parried, until finally the Princess raised a hand and said, ¡°Enough.¡± Belle immediately lowered her blade, but Himiko, with a snarl, swung the naginata in a vicious swipe. Hell¡¯s Belle slid backwards, but the tip of the blade caught her right cheek and raised a line of blood. ¡°I said enough.¡± The Princess was still calm, but her voice now held just the faintest edge of controlled anger. Himiko snapped her wrist, and the naginata collapsed into her sleeve. Hell¡¯s Belle wiped the back of her hand across her cheek, producing a red smear that stretched to the tattoo on her neck. ¡°I won¡¯t forget that,¡± she said. Marionette rose to her feet, and the others stared at her. It was rare to see Marionette move on her own, without instructions. ¡°Describe him to me,¡± Marionette said. Ice Queen blinked. ¡°What¡ª?¡± ¡°Describe him,¡± said Marionette as she lowered the point of her pencil to the pavement. Punctuating her words with hesitant glances toward the other girls, Ice Queen described him: his hair, his eyes, the shape of his face. As she did, Marionette sketched. After several minutes of drawing, Marionette bent down, stuck her hands into the pavement, and pulled out a human head. As she handed this macabre object to Ice Queen, Marionette said, ¡°You don¡¯t need Sentinel. Ask around. Someone in the area should know him.¡± Cradling the head in her arms, Ice Queen whispered, ¡°Thank you. When Marionette turned around, Himiko grabbed her lapels and got in her face. She had to bend down to do so; Marionette was tall, but at six feet, Himiko was still taller. ¡°Never contradict me, robot,¡± Himiko hissed. Unlike humans, who never have complete control over their bodies, Marionette could shut off the current to the electroactive polymers she had in place of muscles. When she wanted, she could close down the signals that created her facial expressions, and could thereby maintain a perfect poker face. She did it now as she met Himiko¡¯s gaze, returning her fierce anger with the blank mask of a doll. ¡°I did not contradict you,¡± Marionette said in a flat voice, and Himiko, though she opened her mouth for a moment, gave no answer.
Later that evening, as was her wont, Marionette sat, unmoving, against a wall, her torso sagging to one side like that of a dropped mannequin. She was in Ice Queen¡¯s room, and Ice Queen bent over her. Marionette moved not at all, but still her senses recorded everything. Ice Queen¡¯s room was spare: a bed, a desk, a poster on the wall, a computer. A wire snaked from the computer to Marionette¡¯s head. Hell¡¯s Belle, arms folded, walked into the doorway. Ice Queen didn¡¯t look up, but her shoulders slumped. ¡°Are you mad?¡± Ice Queen asked. Belle grunted. ¡°I think we both knew this wasn¡¯t gonna last forever.¡± Ice Queen straightened and rubbed her temples. ¡°Oh, Belle, I just wanna be normal¡ª!¡± ¡°I don¡¯t think normal¡¯s in the cards for any of us.¡± ¡°I know. I know that, but I have to try¡ª¡± ¡°Hey, I understand.¡± Belle walked in. ¡°So just who is this guy, anyway?¡± ¡°I don¡¯t even know. I¡¯m being stupid.¡± ¡°Well, you go ahead and find him, and if he doesn¡¯t treat you right, tell me. I¡¯ll rough him up for you.¡± Ice Queen smiled wanly and laid her head on Belle¡¯s shoulder. ¡°Thank you.¡± They held each other for a moment before Belle pointed her chin toward Marionette. ¡°What¡¯re you doing, anyway? The Princess¡¯ll be pissed if she catches you messing with her favorite toy.¡± ¡°I¡¯m just trying to figure out how she works, but she¡¯s sealed up tight. Her ear comes off, but that¡¯s about all I¡¯ve discovered.¡± ¡°Really?¡± ¡°Yeah, she¡¯s got several ports under there, but they don¡¯t do much good. She¡¯s got a firewall like you wouldn¡¯t believe.¡± Belle shook her head. ¡°You and your computers. You know I don¡¯t understand that stuff. Maybe you should just talk to her instead.¡± Belle walked to Marionette and rapped her knuckles against the side of her head. ¡°Robo-witch, you in there?¡± ¡°Belle, don¡¯t talk to her like that.¡± ¡°Why not? She¡¯s a machine.¡± ¡°Well, maybe, but she¡¯s got feelings.¡± ¡°Hey, you¡¯re the one ripping her ear off.¡± Ice Queen growled. ¡°Just be nice.¡± Belle grunted. ¡°Robot¡ª¡± ¡°She has a name, Belle. Don¡¯t call her a robot.¡± Belle looked back over her shoulder. Ice Queen interlaced her fingers and fidgeted. ¡°Marionette? That¡¯s not a name, Icy.¡± ¡°It¡¯s better than ¡®robot.¡¯¡± ¡°How? How is it better?¡± ¡°Oh, just ¡­ just be nice, will you?¡± Belle shrugged. ¡°Marionette?¡± Marionette reactivated the electrical signals to her facial muscles, and she smiled. ¡°Yes, Hell¡¯s Belle?¡± Belle jumped. ¡°Dang! She¡¯s creepy. It¡¯s like a doll suddenly turning into a person. Marionette?¡± ¡°Yes?¡± ¡°What do you do when the Moon Princess takes you into her chamber at night?¡± ¡°Belle!¡± Ice Queen snapped. Belle waved her off. Marionette cocked her head. ¡°That information is not classified. Her Majesty uses me as a sleeping aid.¡± Belle rubbed her chin. ¡°Huh. Sounds kinky¡ª¡± ¡°She asks me to talk to her and sing her lullabies until she falls asleep. Sometimes I rub her shoulders.¡± Belle pointed at her and turned back to Ice Queen. ¡°Where can I get one of these?¡± Ice Queen sighed and shook her head. ¡°Belle, be serious. We need to talk about Himiko.¡± Belle cracked her knuckles. ¡°With this thing? She¡¯s recording everything you say, you know.¡± ¡°As soon as the Moon Princess starts her spell, Himiko¡¯s going to be the one in charge of this whole shindig.¡± ¡°Yeah, of course, but we¡¯re not going to be here to¡ª¡± ¡°Belle, this is serious! We could die! The whole world could die! If any of those Crystals are destroyed¡ª¡± ¡°Icy, I know. I know the plan.¡± Ice Queen waved toward Marionette. ¡°Marionette, tell her.¡± Marionette returned her face to an emotionless mask, but she spoke: ¡°Magical Himiko is unstable. Obsessive fixation with the Moon Princess. Possible monomania. Recommend removal from post and professional psychological evaluation.¡± Belle whistled through her teeth. ¡°This thing is scary. Marionette, the Princess chose Himiko to be in charge, so¡ª¡± ¡°The Moon Princess intends to make me field commander to the magical girls during her absence,¡± Marionette replied. ¡°Magical Himiko hates me because she believes I have come between her and the Moon Princess. I will have to report to Himiko if she is caretaker of the Crystals. Therefore, it is in my best interests, and in the best interests of Urbanopolis, if Himiko is replaced as soon as possible.¡± Belle chuckled as she put her hands behind her head and stretched. ¡°So you¡¯re in here pretending to be curious about computers, but you¡¯re actually planning a mutiny. Nice.¡± ¡°Belle,¡± said Ice Queen, ¡°you don¡¯t exactly get along with Himiko. You have more trouble with her than any of us.¡± ¡°Yeah, but the Moon Princess needs her magic. Who else is going to watch over the Crystals while we¡¯re in suspension?¡± Ice Queen dropped her voice. ¡°Don¡¯t you remember? Himiko has a twin sister.¡± ¡°So you wanna recommend to the Princess that she bring in Kameyo to replace her?¡± Ice Queen shook her head. ¡°Himiko and Kameyo might be twins, but they¡¯ve always been rivals. Kameyo is jealous of Himiko¡¯s position.¡± She dropped her voice still further. ¡°And believe me, they¡¯re identical. Same face, same build, same magic. You put them next to each other, it¡¯s impossible to tell them apart.¡± A grin formed on Hell¡¯s Belle¡¯s mouth. ¡°Exactly what have you two been planning in here?¡± Ice Queen leaned toward Hell¡¯s Belle and whispered in her ear, but the whisper was loud enough for Marionette¡¯s sensitive microphones to hear. ¡°Hell¡¯s Belle, we could replace Himiko with her sister, and the Moon Princess wouldn¡¯t even have to know.¡± Belle seized Ice Queen around the waist and drew her close. ¡°I like it when you talk dirty,¡± she murmured. ¡°It¡¯s too bad you¡¯ve decided to crush on a guy, Icy, because right now, I¡¯m finding you hot as hell.¡± With that, she held out one hand, and in her palm, a bright flame burned.
It had been a Sunday afternoon in early spring. The weather was at last warming up, so Marionette¡¯s drafty attic was comfortable again after a terrible winter. Although her joints didn¡¯t stiffen up in cold as readily as a human¡¯s, and though she couldn¡¯t suffer frostbite or pneumonia, she could still feel miserable. She had spent much of the winter warming her fingers over a small cast-iron stove and painting a few strokes at a time before needing to warm her fingers again. Now down to shirtsleeves and her green shorts, she spent a lazy Sunday lying in her cot. The paint-flecked bedclothes were in a tangled mess, partly over her and partly under. Kasumi Sugihara, down to a sports bra and boxers, lay beside her and smoked a cigarette. In her magical form, she was Card Collector Kasumi, but for the moment, she was merely an ordinary fifteen-year-old girl. They had wiled away the late morning and much of the afternoon reading magazines, talking about TV dramas, discussing battle tactics, and gossiping about which boys they hated. Marionette held, balanced on her stomach, a crystal Pontarlier glass of milky white absinthe louche. She gazed at it for half a minute, raised her head, and took a sip. A faintly bitter scent of blended herbs met her olfactory sensors, and the drink slipped smoothly down her synthetic throat. Kasumi sighed out a long, curling stream of smoke. ¡°You drink too much,¡± she said. ¡°You smoke too much,¡± Marionette replied, and she sipped again. ¡°And it doesn¡¯t matter how much I drink.¡± Kasumi snatched the glass from her hand and took a long pull. When she lowered it, she stuck out her tongue. ¡°Blech.¡± ¡°Your cigarette¡¯s ruining the taste, and don¡¯t drink it like that.¡± Marionette tried to take the glass back, but Kasumi, with a faint giggle, rolled onto her side, forcing Marionette to reach across her. ¡°I just don¡¯t like licorice,¡± Kasumi said. ¡°You¡¯re gonna be drunk in a second after a gulp like that. Give it here.¡± Marionette took the glass back and tipped the rest of the contents into her mouth. ¡°Look who¡¯s talking,¡± said Kasumi. ¡°I¡¯m just keeping it away from you. And I can¡¯t get drunk.¡± She flopped back onto her pillow. ¡°But sometimes I wish I could.¡± Turning the glass over in her hands, she watched the light from the window glint off its surface. ¡°Even though it doesn¡¯t affect me, I have a taste for the stuff. It¡¯s another of my father¡¯s jokes.¡± ¡°You don¡¯t have to do what he programmed into you, do you?¡± ¡°No, but I like to. It relaxes me.¡± ¡°I wish I could relax.¡± Kasumi sat up and stretched her arms over her head before she stubbed out her cigarette in the tray on the nightstand. ¡°I can¡¯t believe I¡¯m gonna be doing this for another three years.¡± Marionette¡¯s ocular sensors traced the lines of muscle in Kasumi¡¯s back. She was lithe and firmly knit, like a gymnast. The exertions of the magical form always had their effect on the normal body, so most magical girls turned out small and wiry. She wondered if that was why her father had designed her to look so boyish. Art imitating life. ¡°Is it really so bad?¡± Marionette asked. Kasumi kept her back to her and stared at the wisps of smoke rising from the ashtray. ¡°You wouldn¡¯t know, would you? You were designed for this.¡± ¡°I was designed to want to leave it behind, just as you do.¡± ¡°For what?¡± ¡°Family. Art. What do you want to leave it for?¡± Kasumi sighed. ¡°Why are we like this?¡± She reached behind herself and, for a moment, clumsily ran a hand over Marionette¡¯s waist. Then she pushed her hand upward¡ª Marionette took her fingers, interlaced them with her own, and kissed them. ¡°You know I shut off my sexuality program.¡± Kasumi grunted as she stuck a fresh cigarette in her mouth and flicked her lighter. ¡°You keep saying. If that were true, how could you paint?¡± ¡°I don¡¯t know how it is for real humans, but for me, my artistic impulse is in a separate subroutine.¡± Kasumi chuckled quietly. ¡°You¡¯re harsh. You know most of the girls have a crush on you.¡± ¡°Some. Not most.¡± ¡°Still.¡± Marionette sighed. ¡°It¡¯s because I¡¯m more experienced, because I¡¯m in charge, because I look like a boy, and because they¡¯re under a lot of stress. Most of them grow out of it.¡± After a few deep pulls that quickly created half an inch of ash, Kasumi stubbed her cigarette out again, leaving it unfinished. ¡°I won¡¯t. I won¡¯t grow out of it.¡± ¡°You will. Give it time.¡± Kasumi flopped back down onto the bed and pushed against Marionette¡¯s side. ¡°No, I¡¯ve already decided. I¡¯m never getting over you.¡± ¡°I¡¯m a machine, you know.¡± Their fingers were still intertwined, so Kasumi squeezed her hand. ¡°Then I¡¯ll be your heart.¡± She tapped her own chest. ¡°You¡¯re alive here, if nowhere else. You live in my soul, Marionette. Whether you live anywhere else doesn¡¯t matter to me.¡± Kasumi started nuzzling her neck, so Marionette sat up. ¡°I need another drink.¡± ¡°You haven¡¯t had enough?¡± ¡°You¡¯ve been smoking like a chimney. I¡¯m trying to keep pace. Besides¡ª¡± ¡°I know, I know. It doesn¡¯t do anything to you.¡± ¡°It¡¯s got a lot of water. Just this afternoon, I¡¯ve stored up enough deuterium to last me for three months.¡± She climbed off the cot, snatched Kasumi¡¯s lighter from the nightstand, and walked to her kitchenette. There, she performed the elaborate ritual of a Bohemian pour. She laid a perforated spoon across the mouth of the glass and set upon it a single sugar cube. Then she poured emerald green liquor over the cube until the spherical bulb in the bottom of the glass was full. After that, she lit the sugar on fire and watched it burn a faint blue. Sitting on the counter atop a narrow stand was a drip fountain full of ice water. Once the sugar began to sizzle and bubble, Marionette moved the glass under the spigot and let the water snuff the flame. As the water pitter-pattered into the glass, the absinthe changed from a clear and emerald green to a murky and cloudy yellow. After most of the sugar had dissolved, Marionette took up the spoon and stirred, at last shutting off the spigot when the glass was nearly full. Taking a sip, she contemplated for a moment and nodded in approval. ¡°Is that fun?¡± Kasumi asked from the bed. ¡°Yes. The Green Lady, they call her, muse of many an artist. They say the wormwood gives the mind clarity and insight.¡± ¡°It tastes gross, but I admit I¡¯m pretty calm.¡± ¡°I¡¯m not surprised. It¡¯s supposed to give you a very mellow drunk.¡± ¡°You wouldn¡¯t know.¡± ¡°No, but I like the look, the smell, the pour, the history. And unlike you, I like the taste.¡± Kasumi giggled. ¡°Couldn¡¯t I be your muse instead?¡± ¡°Sorry, but I already have my lady.¡± She sipped again. ¡°Hey, you figured out those new cards yet?¡± Kasumi groaned and rolled over onto her stomach. ¡°Do we have to talk shop?¡± ¡°Come on, tell me.¡± ¡°I don¡¯t like them. I¡¯d rather just stick with my starter deck. I mean, all these cards showing up ¡­ I hardly know where to put them all.¡± ¡°You¡¯re powering up, Kasumi. That¡¯s a good thing. Some magical girls have to fight for years without getting a power-up.¡± ¡°But I get them all the time! Like, I get up one morning, and Marie Laveau¡¯s long-lost deck of cursed Tarot cards is just sitting on the front porch. It freaked me out. Don¡¯t try to tell me that¡¯s normal.¡± ¡°Normal¡¯s not in the cards for any of us.¡± With a grunt, Kasumi said, ¡°I think you need to adjust your humor program.¡± Marionette laughed. ¡°Kasumi, you¡¯re the Card Collector. Magic cards are attracted to you. There¡¯s no reason to fight it. Just accept it.¡± Kasumi squirmed. ¡°These new ones, though ¡­ they look like regular playing cards, but they¡¯re ¡­ they¡¯re powerful. I can feel their power. I¡¯m afraid I¡¯ll hurt somebody.¡± ¡°Hurt some monster instead. You¡¯re always complaining that your starter deck is weak¡ª¡± Kasumi flopped onto her back again. ¡°Hey, it¡¯s not like I have a familiar to help me out. I just had some ghost wizard show up and tell me I have to collect cards, and then he disappeared. It sucks.¡± ¡°So this latest deck, what is it?¡± ¡°The cards contain elements, and each element is tied to a time of day ¡­ I can explain it all later if you¡¯re really interested. Not right now.¡± ¡°I¡¯m interested.¡± ¡°I¡¯m afraid, Marionette. I could hurt a lot of people with these if I use them wrong.¡± ¡°Tell me.¡± She sipped her absinthe again. ¡°You might inspire me.¡± Kasumi sat up and pushed her hair out of her eyes, as if arising from sleep. ¡°Maybe I could find a different way to inspire you.¡± Marionette turned the glass in her hands, now watching the light play across the surface of the louche. ¡°Is that so? Then let me paint you,¡± she murmured. Kasumi smiled; it was a faint smile, enigmatic, with a hint of melancholy. ¡°You¡¯ve asked me that several times.¡± ¡°I meant it every time.¡± ¡°Is it me you want, or the magical girl?¡± ¡°Both. What I have in mind will have to be a composite.¡± ¡°Why?¡± Marionette returned her faint, sad smile. ¡°Because, like you, I want to remember. I want things to live on, just like this. But you¡¯re going to grow up, Kasumi, and you¡¯re going to leave me behind. They always do.¡± Seated on a corner of the cot, Kasumi turned and looked out the window. Faint noise still rose from the street below. She pulled her sports bra up over her head, and then pulled her long hair down across her chest. Looking back over her shoulder, still wearing that enigmatic smile, she said, ¡°Better set up your easel.¡± Marionette gazed at her for half a minute. After another swallow, she slowly and carefully set her glass down on the counter. It made a faint clink.
Once again down to shorts and shirtsleeves, Marionette lay in bed. She was running deep diagnostics, and to pass the time, she painted. Propped up on several pillows, she had an easel straddling her lap. She paid no attention to the paint she slopped on herself or on the sheets. Every few seconds, she held up a hand mirror and checked it. Because a sufficiently pernicious virus could potentially activate any of her wireless devices without her knowledge and transmit sensitive information, she had physically removed them: this she had done by detaching her left ear and reaching into her skull with a pair of plyers to pull out the card containing her Wi-Fi, Bluetooth, cell, and FM radio chips. Her father had designed these to be removable partly for the sake of security, and partly in anticipation that Marionette would need to upgrade her wireless technology over time. But technology in Urbanopolis was stagnant: most innovations were merely increases in efficiency. Marionette herself had been the only substantial breakthrough, and that technology was lost. Having detached herself from the city¡¯s networks, she felt strangely quiet, serene. It was almost trancelike. The traffic from the street outside was muted, and the room was otherwise nearly silent aside from the soft scrape scrape of the brush upon the canvas. Normally, her mind monitored radio stations, police scanners, and news and gossip websites; this was partly to keep abreast of crime and monster attacks so that she might do her duty as a combat-ready magical girl simulation system, but it was partly to mimic the clutter and inattentiveness of the human mind. Now that the background noise of the city¡¯s communications was gone from her positronic brain, her thoughts had become simple and singular. Her mental software went through its operations in an orderly fashion with no more new input than what her five sense emulators could give it. The removal of her ear also exposed her ports. Into one, she had plugged a wire connected to a computer containing her more advanced diagnostic utilities. That computer, its fan whirring faintly, now scoured the labyrinth of her complex algorithms. The scan would take days to finish, during which she had little choice except to lie where she was, isolated from the world, and paint. She had a glass of absinthe on the nightstand. She paused in her painting to take a sip. Then she checked her mirror. Then she added more strokes. It was a self-portrait depicting her as she looked right now, lying on a musty cot marked by paint stains and cigarette burns, with a glass of absinthe at her elbow and a wire snaking out of the left side of her head. She painted it with unusually bright colors and thick impasto strokes, having already decided to entitle it Self Portrait with Bandaged Ear. It amused her to consider giving her detached ear to Jake, but she wouldn¡¯t. She didn¡¯t have many spares. ¡°Marionette.¡± She paused as that one word entered the vast expanse of her clear and peaceful mind. It was her moniker, in a sense: her father had chosen to call his creation a marionette, but the Moon Princess had made it a proper name. ¡°Grease Pencil Marionette.¡± Marionette knew that a normal human would have cause to doubt his own sanity if he heard voices in his head. But her mind was different; she could potentially glitch or crash, but she could not, strictly speaking, be psychotic or schizophrenic. Once she had removed her wireless chips, an intrusive voice like this could come from only one source. She didn¡¯t bother to answer the voice. Speaking aloud would be pointless unless it had already hacked into her aural sensors. She could think at it, but even that might not work, depending on how much of her mind it had infiltrated. Then there was also the question of whether it was sophisticated enough to respond to her anyway: possibly, it was simply playing a recorded message. ¡°Grease Pencil Marionette, can you hear me?¡± She considered. Communication with it could potentially open up new avenues of exploitation. Perhaps it was only contacting her because it hoped that the software generating her consciousness might betray a vulnerability. However¡ª What do you want? she thought. If she could engage it in a conversation, she might learn its origin. It was worth the risk. ¡°You,¡± it replied. Marionette felt the faint simulation of a frisson running the length of her graphite spine. So it could respond to her. That didn¡¯t mean it was conscious, of course; it might have only limited responses, or it might be a sophisticated Turing machine. ¡°You for now,¡± it added. ¡°For now, that is enough. But I won¡¯t stop with you, dearie. Oh no, I have bigger aims.¡± Marionette didn¡¯t have to ask, but because she knew what the virus meant, the thought popped into her head unbidden. ¡°That¡¯s right,¡± the virus purred. You¡¯re out of luck, Marionette replied. She added another dab to her canvas. She held up her hand mirror, which showed a furrow in her brow that hadn¡¯t been there a minute before. I don¡¯t have access to Sentinel anymore. ¡°Because you used it to hack yourself. Yes, I know. Do you realize what a mess you made in here when you did that? It¡¯s a miracle that you work at all. If your designer hadn¡¯t built in triple redundancy, you probably wouldn¡¯t. I¡¯ve been debugging your code for days.¡± Marionette chuckled aloud and added a few quick brushstrokes to the painting of her face, brushstrokes that turned up the corners of her mouth and brightened her eyes in a display of amusement. If the virus was undoing her hack, that would explain why her sensuality program was back on. It¡¯s an odd sort of virus that fixes problems, isn¡¯t it? Now the virus chuckled, which sent another frisson up Marionette¡¯s synthetic spine. So it had a sense of humor, or at least could fake one. ¡°I want you in tip-top condition when we infiltrate Moon Base, dearie.¡± She shook her head. With a few more flicks of her brush, she tipped her painted self¡¯s eyebrows downward to display her impatience. I just told you, I don¡¯t have access. Sentinel is air-gapped, in a Faraday cage. You¡¯re not getting in. Now the virus released a long, low chuckle that echoed in Marionette¡¯s skull. ¡°It¡¯s a computer, sweetie. It can be hacked. Any computer in the world can be hacked. I¡¯m writing the program right now.¡± Another tingle in her spine. This virus was sophisticated. The lubricant simulating perspiration appeared on her forehead. Marionette was bluffing, and the virus knew it: Sentinel had extraordinary security, but it wasn¡¯t invulnerable. It couldn¡¯t monitor near-Earth space, several higher dimensions, the nether regions, and a handful of parallel universes if it were invulnerable. Data had to stream into it, just as data streamed into Marionette¡ªand in her case, a virus had streamed in with it. In the old days, the Moon Princess and her team had used Sentinel freely, but after the Ascension, the High Priestess had ordered a tightening of the computer¡¯s security. Now only one man had direct access to the whole system, a shadowy figure that magical girls knew as ¡°the boss.¡± The military selected him and recommended him to the Mayor, who personally appointed him. Only the Mayor, the High Priestess, and some of the top brass knew who he was. None of the girls did, including Marionette. ¡°Here¡¯s an interesting thing, Marionette,¡± the virus purred. ¡°You know the real identities of so many magical girls. Oh dear, did it never cross your fake mind what someone could do with that information? Someone like me?¡± With a snarl, Marionette reached for the nightstand and snatched up the card holding her wireless chips. She crushed it in her palm. ¡°A futile gesture, dearie. That will delay me only a little.¡± She closed her eyes for a moment and took a deep, albeit simulated, breath. Then she looked at herself in the mirror again and resumed painting. After a few more quick strokes, the face on the canvas looked pensive. ¡°How long do you think it will take me to take over your motor functions, hm?¡± ¡°I¡¯m going to have you out of there before then,¡± Marionette answered aloud. ¡°Oh, yes. I see your antivirus program. How ¡­ quaint.¡± ¡°If that doesn¡¯t work, I have others.¡± ¡°Do you, now? Do you even understand what you¡¯re doing? You¡¯re an artist, not a software engineer.¡± Marionette didn¡¯t answer. ¡°I¡¯m surprised you haven¡¯t got on the telephone and called for help. I figured that, by now, you¡¯d be strapped down in a lab, surrounded by analysts and diagnosticians. That would have made my work slightly more difficult.¡± Marionette continued to paint. ¡°Why, Marionette? Aren¡¯t you a magical girl, or at least a passable imitation? Don¡¯t you believe in friendship? Why are you alone?¡± Marionette held her brush near her face and looked in the mirror again. ¡°Yes, I believe in friendship. I fight for friendship. My whole existence is friendship. But¡ª¡± ¡°Yes?¡± ¡°For every magical girl, there is a test, a last challenge. A final boss, if you will. That, she faces alone.¡± ¡°Is that so?¡± ¡°It¡¯s so. In the end, everyone is alone.¡± A pause. Her mind returned to its simple clarity, and the traffic hummed outside. ¡°What are you trying to prove, Marionette?¡± She made a few more brushstrokes. ¡°More importantly, what are you trying to hide? Is there something in here, some memory, you wouldn¡¯t want a technician to find? Hm?¡± Marionette paused for a moment in her painting, but then resumed. She made no answer. ¡°Card Collector Kasumi died alone, didn¡¯t she? You weren¡¯t there when she fell. You weren¡¯t there to hold her hand in her last moments. She was terrified, in pain, tumbling from the sky, but you weren¡¯t¡ª¡± The brush snapped in Marionette¡¯s hand. ¡°You can face me alone if you wish, but that won¡¯t redeem you.¡± She tossed the halves of the ruined brush. They clattered across the hardwood flooring, leaving streaks of pinkish paint. With her hand now free, she reached for the absinthe. ¡°Speaking of Kasumi, Marionette ¡­ why don¡¯t we talk about the interesting objects you¡¯re keeping in your chest cavity?¡± In spite of herself, Marionette released a gasp. Her hand shook. Dumbfounded, she watched as the Green Lady slipped from her fingers and, with a crash and tinkling of glass, turned into an expanding puddle on the floor. Bonus Story: Pizza Margherita! Part 1 of 3 In honor of National Pizza Day, we present this three-part short story featuring the sauciest¡ªand cheesiest!¡ªmagical girl in all of Urbanopolis: Space Princess Pizza Margherita! Enjoy this story I decided to write just now ¡­ and did! Midnight. In the midst of a sea of coldly twinkling stars, the full moon hung over Urbanopolis. In the Sea of Serenity, the lights of the Eternal Kingdom shone steady, clear, and unblinking. Down below, the citizens of man¡¯s last city slumbered peacefully in their beds. It was a cool night, a clear night, a calm night. As the Urbanopolitans love to say, The Moon Princess is in her sailor suit, and all¡¯s right with the world. But hark! A crash of breaking glass! The lonely, frantic wail of an alarm! Once again, an evildoer has shattered the city¡¯s peace¡ªfor there is no rest for the wicked. In the lavish, velvet-carpeted lobby of the Unnatural History Museum, the night guards made their final stand. Armed only with nightsticks and conventional firearms, they stood no chance against the slavering, vicious horde that skittered through the smashed glass entryway. Foul, greenish beasts, their backs covered in rustling leaves and their insect-like limbs crackling with every twist and bend, poured in like a flood. The guards overturned tables and display cases to set up a barrier, but it did no good. The creatures swept them aside, heedless of the bullets from the guards¡¯ pistols. They picked up screaming men who begged for their lives or called for their mothers, and threw them whole into their slavering maws. Deep in their gullets, the drowning, dying men dissolved in the monsters¡¯ digestive vegetable juices. These monstrosities were neither animal nor mineral: they were the Salad Soldiers, carnivorous plants grown in the volcanic wilds of the Earth¡¯s hollow core. In man¡¯s last days, these fell creatures had ascended to the surface to claim their place as the planet¡¯s new overlords. Once they had devoured the men, they shrank away from the shattered glass at the museum¡¯s front entrance. They hunkered down, trembled, and cowered, for into their midst walked their master, the caesar of this salad, King Tosser himself. A great cape fluttered at his back, but it was no article of clothing: it was a single leaf sprouting from his shoulders. Formerly, the Salad Soldiers gathered light from the luminous crystals that grew like fungus from the walls of their subterranean home. Before, deprived of true sunlight, they had been weak, sickly, and pale. But now, having crawled to the surface where they could feel the full effects of the sun, they were a deep green, and they had waxed great and strong. King Tosser himself stood seven feet tall. He was thin, and by human standards appeared emaciated, but the enormous leaf on his back had made him powerful, filling him with energy that he pulled down from the sky. Whenever he walked the bare ground, his root-like toes dug into the soil and pull up the vital nutrients that leant enormous strength to his limbs. He alone among the Salad Soldiers was hermaphroditic: on the top of his head was a foot-tall bulb that once a year blossomed into a great white flower, from which he bore the fruit that became his monstrous offspring. Leaning on his barb-tipped Asparagus Spear, he fingered the huge green jewel on his necklace, the Heart of Artichoke, emblem of his office. His great, pale eyes surveyed the vast room. It was a full three stories tall, and its entire ceiling was a glass dome through which the full, heavy moon cast a pale, funereal light. Below that, two stories up, an elevated balcony rimmed the walls. Display cases lay on the thickly carpeted floor, shattered. Their contents, the most incredible secrets of the once-great human race, were scattered like a child¡¯s forgotten toys. Here was the one surviving copy of the second book of Aristotle¡¯s Poetics. There lay a poorly transcribed but nonetheless invaluable Necronomicon. Over here was a fragment of a spacecraft taken from Area 51 before the burning of Old America. Buzzing in a corner was a faintly glowing hole, thirty feet wide, hovering in midair. This interdimensional portal had previously floated in the Bermuda Triangle. Against one wall, undisturbed, lay an entire row of cursed mummies who had taken the lives of innumerable over-curious archaeologists. Hanging on the back wall, nearly three stories tall and reaching almost to the museum¡¯s glass dome, were the partially reconstructed Caspian Gates, made of shining adamant, which Alexander the Great had erected in the Caucasus to hold back the hordes of Gog and Magog. These wonders received nothing but a snort of derision from King Tosser. With his long and slender legs, he strolled quickly toward the Caspian Gates. They loomed so large, the display directly beneath them was almost unnoticeable: on a raised dais, under a case of glass, was a green leaf. Tosser¡¯s tendril-like fingers touched the glass and stuck to it like clinging vines. ¡°At last,¡± he whispered. ¡°At last we have it¡ªthe Garnish of Gilgamesh, the plant that granted the god-man his enormous strength. It is a vegetable so perfect, so nutritious, that any who eat of it gain power over all creatures. With this, at last, we will claim the Earth as our own and cleanse it of these foul mammals. Lord Shadow will be most pleased.¡± The alarm ringing through the museum suddenly ceased. Tosser¡¯s mirthless mouth turned down at the silence. Rimming the glass dome overhead was a narrow ledge. A figure appeared upon it, silhouetted against the pale moon. Then, a spotlight! Somewhere in the high balcony, a light turned on with a heavy thump, and a pure, white beam struck the figure, revealing her to be a teenage girl in a red-and-white checkered minidress. On her legs, she wore white stockings, and on her feet, red high-heeled pumps. Her soft brown hair curled around her head. Over her dress, she wore an apron emblazoned with the shining symbol of a pizza pie! ¡°Evildoers beware,¡± cried the girl, ¡°for I toss the dough of justice, and justice is never half-baked! Saucy, spicy, and a little bit sweet, I am Magical Girl Space Princess Pizza Margherita! I have come for you at last, King Tosser! This caper ends now!¡± ¡°I¡¯m fresh out of capers,¡± Tosser sneered, ¡°but I do have this garnish!¡± With his tendril-like fingers, he smashed the glass case and plucked the leaf. From under his cape, he produced a Mason jar and thrust the leaf inside. Using the heat he had absorbed from the sun, he cooked the jar and screwed its lid on tight, hermetically sealing it.This story has been stolen from Royal Road. If you read it on Amazon, please report it Another teen girl, this one in simple jeans and a salmon pea coat, ran from the huge spotlight she¡¯d been manning and leaned over the balcony¡¯s brass rail. ¡°Margherita! He¡¯s canned it!¡± ¡°Don¡¯t worry, Annie,¡± Margherita said. ¡°I¡¯ll get him!¡± Tosser snarled. ¡°So, Anne Shov¨¦, you¡¯re here as well. I see Pizza Margherita still keeps you as a pet!¡± Onto the railing leapt a Dalmatian puppy, who bared his fangs and barked, ¡°I¡¯m the pet!¡± His feet slipped. Annie grabbed him before he could tumble over the side. ¡°Pepper, Annie,¡± Margherita called, ¡°stay there! I¡¯ll take care of the Salad Soldiers!¡± She stretched out her hand, and a rope of stringy mozzarella cheese shot from her sleeve. It enwrapped a conveniently located flagpole and, with a whoop, Margherita swung toward the floor. As she did, she reached into a pocket of her apron and pulled forth a handful of razor-edged pepperoni slices. She flicked them into the midst of the Salad Soldiers, who screamed and flailed as the pepperoni dug deep into their vegetable skin and polluted their pristine, healthy, high-fiber innards with fat and preservatives. ¡°Curses!¡± snarled Tosser. He shoved the Mason jar under his cape and strode toward the entrance, but Margherita landed in front of him. Thrusting out her hands, she shouted, ¡°Pizza Sauce of Power!¡± Boiling tomato sauce sprang from her palms. Tosser hissed and drew back, but three of his soldiers jumped into the path of the deadly stream, shielding him. They screamed and then fell silent as they were instantly marinaded to death. Their steaming corpses smelled delicious. Now the Salad Soldiers swarmed Margherita. She reached into her apron again and pulled forth a glinting, steely pizza slicer. ¡°Vorpal Slicer!¡± she cried, and the tool expanded until it was as long as a staff, and its great spinning blade was a full two feet across. She spun it overhead and then swung it in a wide, deadly arc. Wherever the blade touched, the Salad Soldiers lost legs, arms, stalks, roots, and cabbage-like heads. They screamed as their blue-green sap poured forth like blood.
Meanwhile, on the balcony, Annie pulled out a camcorder, pointed it toward the melee below, and filmed. ¡°The light¡¯s too low,¡± she whined. ¡°We¡¯ve got to get to a better spot!¡± Pepper wagged his tail and yipped. ¡°Princess Margherita knows what she¡¯s doing! She wants us to stay here, Annie!¡± ¡°But I have to film her exploits! I have to!¡± ¡°Does it really matter if you don¡¯t get just one battle on tape?¡± Annie trembled. Her steady breathing instantly transformed into ragged gasps. With a shaking hand, she reached behind herself and muttered, ¡°If I can¡¯t film her, I might ¡­ I might ¡­ I might just do something else ¡­ !¡± From the sheath on her back, she pulled a huge kitchen knife, and she released a burst of mirthless, manic laughter. Pepper swallowed. ¡°Okay, well, um ¡­ maybe we can get to a better spot¡ª¡± Annie, with a camcorder in one hand and a knife in the other, ran toward the door beneath the glowing ¡°EXIT¡± sign and staggered down the concrete stairwell toward the floor below. ¡°Have to film,¡± she muttered. ¡°Have to, have to film! Have to film every single magnificent, amazing deed of wonderful, pure, perfect Pizza Margherita!¡± ¡°That girl¡¯s a loon,¡± Pepper whispered as he ran after.
On the ground floor, Pizza Margherita and King Tosser went at it hammer and tongs. In Tosser¡¯s case, he was literally using tongs¡ªthe Tongs of Infamy, a great fork and spoon that he wielded together so flawlessly, they were like a single weapon. Twirling her Vorpal Slicer in her delicate fingers, its shining blade whirring and spinning like a top, Margherita parried his blows and gave several of her own. ¡°You can¡¯t possibly stop me, Pizza!¡± Tosser scoffed. ¡°That¡¯s where you¡¯re wrong! Enough pizza will stop up anybody!¡± ¡°Soon I shall be all-powerful, and then the people of Urbanopolis, whose mothers tell them to eat their vegetables, shall instead be eaten by their vegetables!¡± ¡°Fat chance!¡± You¡¯re the one who¡¯ll get fat, Margherita, what with all the pizza you scarf!¡± ¡°Never!¡± The Vorpal Slicer swung down, but Tosser caught the blade in the tines of his fork and twisted it to the side. ¡°Seriously, you¡¯re getting a bit heavy in the thighs. You¡¯re not going to be seventeen forever, you know, so you should start thinking about your diet.¡± ¡°And I should probably get some exercise?¡± ¡°You look like you could use some.¡± ¡°Then how about I play Kick the Can?¡± With a war whoop, Margherita lashed out with her left leg, bringing the toe of her pump up in a vicious swipe through Tosser¡¯s cape. He shrieked as the Mason jar spun into the air. Behind him, the door to the stairwell burst open, and Anne Shov¨¦ ran out. ¡°Margherita, Tosser! Great shot! Hold that pose for just a second¡ª!¡± ¡°Annie!¡± shouted Margherita. ¡°Grab the jar!¡± ¡°Huh?¡± The Mason jar struck Annie squarely on the head, bounced to the floor, and rolled to Tosser¡¯s feet. With a snort, he picked it up and tucked it under his cape again. Then, in a few quick bounds, he was at Annie¡¯s side. Extruding rope-like vines from his torso, he bound her arms and legs and drew her to his side. ¡°Annie!¡± Margherita cried. ¡°Foolish girl!¡± Tosser cackled. ¡°I never did think that Anne Shov¨¦ went well with Pizza Margherita!¡± ¡°Let her go, you ¡­ you ¡­ you Tosser!¡± Triumphantly holding the Garnish of Gilgamesh high overhead, Tosser roared, ¡°Come, my minions, my soldiers! At last, our plans will bear fruit! Tonight, Urbanopolis! Tomorrow, the world!¡± With that, he swept his leafy cape about Annie and leapt toward the interdimensional portal from the Bermuda Triangle. Annie screamed, but as soon as she dropped out of three-space, her voice fell silent. With snarls and snaps, the Salad Soldiers who had survived Margherita¡¯s onslaught leapt after. In a moment, Margherita and Pepper stood alone in the ruined museum. Margherita slowly sank to the floor. ¡°Annie!¡± she sobbed. ¡°Oh, Annie!¡± She buried her face in her hands. Pepper ran to her and poked his wet nose against her knee. ¡°We¡¯ll get her back, Margherita! Remember, before the mission, you gave her a green stuffed olive for luck!¡± ¡°Yes?¡± Margherita struggled to wipe away her tears. ¡°So, I thought it would be a good idea to replace the pimento with a tracking device!¡± Immediately, Margherita stopped crying. Leaning on her Vorpal Slicer for support, she rose shakily to her feet. ¡°That means ¡­ that means we can find King Tosser¡¯s secret lair!¡± ¡°Exactly!¡± ¡°Pepper, you¡¯re brilliant!¡± She reached down and scratched the puppy behind his ears. He gleefully wagged his tail. ¡°Just one question,¡± Margherita said, ¡°and I want you to be honest.¡± ¡°Yes?¡± ¡°My legs ¡­ are they fat?¡± Pepper swallowed audibly, and his tail instantly froze. Bonus Story: Pizza Margherita! Part 2 of 3 It was now one in the morning. Smarting from the recent disaster at the Unnatural History Museum, Magical Girl Space Princess Pizza Margherita and her faithful dog Pepper had retired to the Tomato Base, their secret hideout hidden in an old pizzeria down by the docks. This abandoned restaurant had been decidedly run-down when they first found it, but Margherita had spruced up the place. However, the carpet was still full of holes and the old tables were still piled in a corner. Cockroaches occasionally crawled around the floor. The wood-fired brick pizza oven, however, was intact and pristine. It stood behind the short-order bar, where it had been in full view of the customers. Where a stainless steel kitchen counter had formerly stood, Pepper had installed a massive supercomputer, its surface full of knobs, switches, flashing lights, and blinking screens. Running on PizzaTech, the magic that Pepper had brought to Earth from Planet Italia, this computer required no electricity: it could easily and rapidly perform the most complex calculations as long as it had a steady supply of fresh ingredients. At the moment, Pepper stood on top of the bulky machine and grated a block of mozzarella cheese into its fuel tank. Margherita sat at the bar. In a bad mood after the fight with King Tosser, she had headed straight for her favorite all-night parlor and ordered a combo with extra cheese and all the trimmings, to go. Now she was devouring the pizza and slurping red wine from a box. She had discovered three months prior that boxed wine could have the same salubrious effect on a magical girl as a juice box, and she had immediately taken advantage of it. She wasn¡¯t about to start drinking juice with her pizza. She had standards. In need of a recharge, she was no longer in her magical form: she was now Margherita Della Mozzarella, an ordinary seventeen-year-old high schooler. The day before, she had begun her hunt for the wicked Salad Soldiers as soon as class had let out, so she was still in her school uniform¡ªthe red skirt, red tie, and fitted tan jacket of the prestigious all-girls¡¯ T&A Academy, where both she and Annie were students. Sniffling, she munched her fourth slice of the night. Pepper looked up and shook his head. ¡°Margherita, if you keep eating like that, you¡¯re gonna gain weight!¡± ¡°I don¡¯t care!¡± she sobbed as she guzzled her wine. A long string of mozzarella stretched from her mouth down to her pizza slice, but she didn¡¯t notice. Pepper shook his head again. ¡°You can¡¯t afford to lose your figure! You know the T&A Academy only accepts girls with a certain kind of talent, and if you don¡¯t measure up, you¡¯re sure to spill out!¡± ¡°You mean wash out.¡± ¡°That, too.¡± ¡°Oh, it doesn¡¯t matter anymore!¡± Margherita dropped her forehead onto the Formica countertop. ¡°What am I gonna do? What is Pizza without Anne Shov¨¦?¡± Pepper tapped a paw on the computer¡¯s chrome surface. ¡°Uh ¡­ maybe I shouldn¡¯t tell you this, but a lot of people would prefer Pizza without Anne Shov¨¦¡ª¡± ¡°What?¡± ¡°Never mind.¡± ¡°She was the heart of this team!¡± Margherita blubbered before she shoved the rest of her half-eaten slice into her face. ¡°She was the psycho of this team,¡± Pepper muttered. ¡°What?¡± ¡°Nothing! I said nothing! Look, I¡¯m almost finished here. In a moment, I¡¯ll have the computer booted up¡ª¡± Margherita jumped to her feet. With pizza sauce flecking her face, she cried, ¡°You¡¯ll be able to find where Annie is¡ª?¡± ¡°Uh ¡­ no. But I will have online access to the menus of every pizza parlor in the city. Sweet, huh?¡± Margherita stared at him for half a minute while she tapped her foot. ¡°Yeah,¡± she finally said. ¡°It is, actually.¡± ¡°Right?¡± One of the computer¡¯s numerous monitors blinked with the words, ¡°INCOMING MESSAGE.¡± ¡°Ah!¡± cried Pepper. He leapt down to the control console and flicked several switches with his paws. ¡°I made contact earlier with the boss. Looks like he¡¯s getting back to us!¡± The screen turned white, and in the middle of the whiteness appeared the black silhouette of a man¡¯s head. A deep, synthetically distorted voice intoned, ¡°The moon shines her light on both good and bad.¡±Support the creativity of authors by visiting Royal Road for this novel and more. Margherita snapped to attention and made the Sign of the Moon Princess. ¡°The moon is a reflection of the light of the sun!¡± she called. ¡°But the sun is a harsh mistress. Good evening, Magical Girl Space Princess Pizza Margherita.¡± ¡°Good evening, boss.¡± ¡°I hope we didn¡¯t get you out of bed,¡± Pepper said as he turned another knob. The boss chuckled. ¡°It¡¯s what I¡¯m here for. I fed the information you gave me into Sentinel¡¯s satellite network.¡± ¡°Any luck?¡± Pepper asked. ¡°Yes. It seems King Tosser and his nefarious Salad Soldiers are still on Earth¡¯s surface. This is fortunate, as Sentinel¡¯s ability to scan subterranean regions is, sadly, somewhat limited. But Sentinel discovered the signal you¡¯re looking for and successfully triangulated it. I¡¯m sending you the coordinates now.¡± Another screen lit up, simply displaying latitude and longitude. Pepper hit a few more buttons, and a holographic globe appeared in the air between the bar and the oven. A bright green dot glowed on its surface. ¡°Out in the wastes,¡± Pepper said. ¡°It¡¯s gonna be quite a trip.¡± The boss cleared his throat. Thanks to the distortion, it came through as a grinding noise, like someone trying to switch gears without depressing the clutch all the way. ¡°Are you going to assemble a team for this, Margherita? I can put the word out to Magical Girl Grease Pencil Marionette, and I can request a military escort, but it will take time. I¡¯d need four hours at least.¡± ¡°No,¡± Margherita said as she pounded a fist on the countertop. ¡°We go now.¡± ¡°Margherita,¡± said Pepper with a yip, ¡°be reasonable¡ª¡± ¡°Pepper, you heard Tosser! Whatever he¡¯s planning, he¡¯s planning for tonight! We might be too late already!¡± ¡°But¡ª¡± ¡°Look, I ate, I drank. I can get us to Tosser¡¯s lair, and I should still have enough power to fight.¡± ¡°What about getting back?¡± ¡°Margherita,¡± the boss said, ¡°hit these coordinates as you leave town.¡± A new set of numbers appeared on one of the screens. ¡°If you rendezvous there within six minutes,¡± said the boss, ¡°I¡¯ll have a drone deliver you a juice box variety pack. That will give you enough power to get you in and out for this mission¡ªassuming you survive.¡± Margherita swallowed hard, but nodded. ¡°Thank you, boss. I¡¯ll be there.¡± ¡°Anything else I can do for you?¡± ¡°Satellite image of our target,¡± Pepper replied. ¡°Hold on. Should be coming through in a second. The photo¡¯s a week old, I¡¯m afraid, but the infrared is current.¡± ¡°That¡¯ll have to do,¡± said Pepper. On the floor, a fax machine hummed and disgorged two images. Pepper jumped down and spread them out on the tiles with his paws. As his eyes scanned them, he said, ¡°Time to suit up, Margherita.¡± ¡°I¡¯ll let you get to it,¡± said the boss. His shadowy silhouette raised a hand to its forehead in the Sign of the Moon Princess. ¡°Signing off. Good luck, Dame Margherita, and may the Princess be with you.¡± Margherita returned the salute. ¡°And also with you, boss.¡± As the boss¡¯s silhouette disappeared, Margherita thrust her right hand upward and shouted, ¡°By the fiery ovens of the vasty cosmos, baked to perfection!¡± She floated into the air, and her uniform disappeared. Her hair whipped about her face as she slowly spun. ¡°Crispy crust and gooey cheese!¡± she cried. ¡°A delicious dish that¡¯s made to please!¡± A bright light enveloped her body. On her legs, it solidified into her stockings and pumps. It swirled around her torso and became her checkered minidress. In her hair, it formed a fetching little paper hat. ¡°Behold,¡± shouted Margherita, ¡°the incarnation of the food that ignites love and strengthens friendship, the greatest meal in all of space and time!¡± She dropped back to the ground and stretched both arms over her head. Above her appeared a disc of raw dough. It dropped onto her curled knuckles, but she gracefully threw it into the air again as she spun on one foot. ¡°Evildoers beware, for I toss the dough of justice, and justice is never half-baked! Saucy, spicy, and a little bit sweet, I am Magical Girl Space Princess Pizza Margherita!¡± Pizza Margherita, glowing with the awesome energy of comfort food, stood in the midst of the shabby restaurant. She shone with an inner light. Pepper leapt up onto the counter. ¡°Are you ready, Margherita?¡± ¡°You bet I am, Pepper! Pie in the Sky!¡± In a flash, the dough she was tossing transformed into a fully cooked pizza pie loaded with cheese and mottled with pepperoni. It expanded until it was five feet across. With a hum, it lowered until it hovered just above the ratty carpet. Margherita leapt onto it. Barking for joy, Pepper joined her. ¡°Is this right, Pepper?¡± Margherita whispered. ¡°Are we doing the right thing?¡± Pepper smiled up at her. ¡°Margherita, there are many forms of magic in the universe, more than anyone has counted. But ultimately, behind the magicks, there are only two powers¡ªthe power of the Light, and the power of the Shadow. From time immemorial, there has been war between pizza and salad. Pizza serves the light. That¡¯s why people¡¯s eyes shine when they eat it. It makes them smile because they know they are eating something good¡ªsomething, indeed, that serves the one, true, ultimate good.¡± Now Pepper¡¯s gaze grew distant. ¡°But salad serves the Shadow. That¡¯s why children refuse to touch it, because children are innocent. By nature, they shun the things of darkness.¡± Pepper lowered his head and uttered a long, deep, mournful sigh. ¡°This war will continue for all of time, until the stars fail and darkness covers all. Pizza must fight for the Light until there is no more light. Only when Lord Shadow takes his throne will our struggles cease. Then all things will cease, for the universe is a tomb.¡± ¡°Then let¡¯s fight on,¡± said Margherita. ¡°If the Moon Princess stands against the darkness, then I will serve her, even knowing that the darkness will win.¡± ¡°Spoken like a true magical girl,¡± said Pepper. Margherita stretched forth her hand, and the double doors of the restaurant burst open. With a whoop, she kicked off, and the Pie in the Sky shot out into the clear night with its two passengers. Margherita guided her flying pizza high into the air. The towers of Urbanopolis, their windows lit like festive candles, spread out to every side. A cool breeze rustled her hair and played with the hem of her skirt. Overhead twinkled the bright, cold stars, every one of which had sworn enmity to the Princess, every one of which had vowed death to all mankind. Beneath that vast canopy of seething malevolence, Pizza Margherita stood alone. And she stood tall. She turned her Pie in the Sky and directed it toward the east, away from Urbanopolis¡¯s tranquil bay. She directed it toward the verdant hills that stretched above the picturesque suburbs. She directed it beyond those to the vast and blasted wastes, to the remnants of the shattered world of man. Bonus Story: Pizza Margherita! Part 3 of 3 Pizza Margherita flew over a desolate, broken landscape. The moon and the twinkling stars offered only a little light. The distant horizon glowed a faint red, but that wasn¡¯t an approaching dawn: it was the glow of lava from the volcanos that had sprung up across the globe during the upheavals of the First Invasion, the onslaught that wiped out most of humanity. Margherita never veered from her course. The Pie in Sky was swift and silent. The land below was nothing but a dark blur, so Margherita and Pepper were spared the sight of broad plains of glassy sand fused by alien weaponry, of vast seas of rubble that were formerly human cities, and of the bleached bones of the countless dead. Urbanopolis was the Earth¡¯s one remaining habitation. All the rest of the planet was now the tomb of a once-great species. ¡°I¡¯ll show you, Tosser,¡± Margherita whispered. ¡°I¡¯ll show you what happens when Pizza goes bad.¡± ¡°Steady, Margherita,¡± Pepper said as he squinched up his eyes and let the wind blow through his teeth. ¡°Remember the mission.¡± ¡°What did the boss send you?¡± Margherita asked. ¡°It¡¯s not much,¡± Pepper replied. ¡°Satellite photo shows a square-shaped structure, probably stone. Not much different from a lot of the ruins out here, so it¡¯s no wonder that Sentinel never flagged it. The infrared shows quite a heat signature, though.¡± ¡°And Sentinel didn¡¯t notice that?¡± ¡°There are a lot of heat signatures. Monsters are crawling all over the Earth, and a fair amount of your native fauna survived the First Invasion, too. Then there are all the volcanos. Sentinel can¡¯t possibly track everything. This is stationary, and it isn¡¯t particularly close to Urbanopolis. But here¡¯s the thing: the Salad Soldiers, being plants, don¡¯t generate much heat. They¡¯ve got something in this building. Something big.¡± ¡°What?¡± Pepper shook his head. ¡°We¡¯ll find out.¡±
Deep in his top secret lair, King Tosser intertwined his long, flexible fingers and gazed over the rail of the elevated platform on which he stood. Before him, a great, gray cylinder stretched fifteen stories above his head and disappeared deep into the earth below. This room was a vast shaft, as wide as a sports stadium, and all around was a low, throbbing hum of hidden machinery. A hot wind blew up through the shaft, and two stories below was a gap in the enormous cylinder, through which Tosser could see a pale, red, pulsing light. Around this vast chamber hovered other platforms, suspended from the walls on gimbal arms. Using the control panel that each platform contained, Tosser¡¯s Salad Soldiers maneuvered themselves to different parts of the enormous cylinder and examined or modified it with wrenches, welding torches, and lasers. They were putting the final touches on Tosser¡¯s doomsday device. ¡°At last,¡± Tosser whispered. ¡°At long last.¡± He pulled the Mason jar from under his cloak and stroked it. Behind him, chained to a metal table, Anne Shov¨¦ thrashed. ¡°You¡¯ll never get away with it, you Tosser!¡± ¡°I already have,¡± Tosser scoffed. ¡°Your precious Pizza Margherita will never find us here. And thanks to the Garnish of Gilgamesh, I shall soon cleanse the surface of this planet of every last speck of mammalian life! Then the plants shall flourish!¡± Fondly, he gazed down at his jar. ¡°I¡¯m going to green the Earth,¡± he whispered. ¡°I¡¯m feeling very environmentally conscious right now.¡± ¡°I hope you choke on that!¡± Annie shouted. ¡°Oh, I¡¯m not going to eat it, my dear Anne Shov¨¦. I have much, much bigger plans! Muahahaha!¡± The whir and whine of gyros filled the air around them as the Salad Soldiers diligently worked. They barked commands at one another. However, they spoke not in English, but in their native language, Word Salad. ¡°Paradigmatic shift in the synergistic fusion of neo-Kantian perspectives on Hegelian Dialectic?¡± one called. ¡°Marxist theories of empowerment in a linguistic explication of the decolonization of a phallocentric worldview!¡± another called back. Annie groaned as she lashed and reeled on the table. Her chains rattled. After a few minutes, she fell back, panting. ¡°I don¡¯t know their language,¡± she gasped, ¡°yet I¡¯m still pretty sure that half of those aren¡¯t real words.¡± ¡°They¡¯re saying that our great weapon is nearly complete,¡± Tosser told her with a broad but decidedly cold grin, ¡°and your Pizza cannot save you now.¡± After setting down the jar, he reached under his cape again and pulled out Annie¡¯s kitchen knife and camcorder. ¡°And what should I do with these, hm?¡± Annie¡¯s eyes bulged from her head. ¡°No! Not the camera! Anything but the camera! I haven¡¯t backed up the files to my computer, the cloud, a DVD, and my three external hard drives yet!¡± ¡°Oh?¡± Tosser sneered. ¡°Is this precious to you?¡± ¡°Precious?¡± Annie shrieked. She thrashed again and gnashed her teeth. ¡°Precious? It¡¯s my only record of the daring exploits, the brave deeds, the death-defying heroics, and the innumerable panty shots of the greatest, most wonderful, most amazing, most perfect, and most delicious magical girl in the whole entire universe! Don¡¯t you dare hurt my camera, Tosser, or I swear I will hunt you down to the ends of the galaxy! Aaarghh!¡± She arched her back. Her face turned red and her fists turned purple as she futilely pulled against the chains encircling her wrists. Tosser snickered as he lifted the camcorder high overhead. ¡°Then perhaps I should use this ¡­ to record Pizza Margherita¡¯s demise! Eh? Eh? Ahahaha!¡± Annie dropped again, making the table creak. Sweat poured from her face. ¡°Just, just¡±¡ªshe paused to lick her chapped lips¡ª¡°just let me watch it afterwards, that¡¯s all I ask.¡± Twisting his mouth, Tosser lowered the camcorder and said, ¡°Since I¡¯m going to kill you soon anyway, I think somebody should finally tell you this: you¡¯re a nutter. You know that, right?¡± A peculiar creak came from above, followed by the frantic babbling of Salad Soldiers. Tosser snapped his head up to see a blur of red and white speeding down the smooth outer wall of the shaft. A Soldier threw himself at it, but the blur sent out a hissing, boiling stream that struck him full in the face. He tumbled down the shaft, screaming. To Tosser¡¯s left, The blur dropped onto one of the platforms and took on the definite shape of a girl in a minidress. With another burst of deadly, boiling tomato sauce, she cleared the platform of Salad Soldiers, sending them howling and plummeting to their deaths. ¡°Funny,¡± said Tosser drily as he lifted one bushy, green eyebrow. ¡°I don¡¯t remember sending for Pizza.¡± ¡°Beware, King Tosser,¡± Margherita shouted as she planted her fists on her hips, ¡°for I toss the dough of justice, and justice is never half-baked! Saucy, spicy, and a little bit sweet, I am Magical Girl Space Princess Pizza Margherita!¡± ¡°With Pepper!¡± Pepper yelled as he bounced at her side. ¡°And Anne Shov¨¦,¡± Annie said weakly from the table. Tosser leaned into the controls. With a whir, his platform rose until it was level with Margherita¡¯s. ¡°Well, well, well. Pizza Margherita. What a surprise.¡± ¡°What¡¯s on the menu tonight?¡± Pepper asked. ¡°I¡¯m in the mood for some chopped salad,¡± Margherita replied as she pulled her pizza slicer from her apron.Love this novel? Read it on Royal Road to ensure the author gets credit. ¡°Hm,¡± said Tosser as he stroked his narrow chin. ¡°No, I was thinking of slicing a Pizza, myself! Expendable minions! Get her!¡± Using their tendril like fingers and root-like toes, the Salad Soldiers leapt onto the walls of the great shaft and stuck to it. They crawled toward Margherita¡¯s platform and, with much roaring and snarling, hurled themselves at it. ¡°Vorpal Slicer!¡± Margherita shouted. Swinging her huge slicer like a baseball bat, she knocked aside each Salad Soldier that came her way, cutting him in half and sending his remains toward whatever lay in the depths below. ¡°Pepper!¡± Margherita cried. ¡°Take the controls!¡± Pepper leapt onto the platform¡¯s control panel and steered it toward Tosser. ¡°Enough of this,¡± Tosser said. Shooting a vine from his abdomen, he wrapped it around Annie¡¯s throat. ¡°Stop right there, Margherita!¡± he shouted. ¡°Stop, or I kill the psycho chick!¡± ¡°See!¡± cried Pepper. ¡°Even he thinks she¡¯s crazy!¡± ¡°Stay back, Margherita!¡± Annie sobbed. ¡°You can¡¯t fight him! He¡¯s got tentacles! You know what happens when magical girls and tentacles get together!¡± ¡°These are vines!¡± Tosser snarled. ¡°Vines, not tentacles! Stop being a perv!¡± ¡°What¡¯s the difference?¡± Annie screamed. ¡°Oh, for the love of ¡­¡± Tosser threw up his hands and drew his vine back from her throat. ¡°I¡¯ve had enough of this!¡± He pounded a fist against a large red button on his console. Immediately, green bars shot out of the floor around Margherita, forming a cage. ¡°Ha!¡± said Margherita. ¡°You think something like this can stop Pizza, Tosser?¡± ¡°I think it can,¡± Tosser replied with a chuckle. ¡°Then why didn¡¯t you do that before you threw a bunch of your soldiers at her?¡± Pepper asked. ¡°This is nothing,¡± said Margherita. ¡°I¡¯ll just break out of¡ª¡± She reached a hand toward one of the bars, but instantly pulled it back as if she¡¯d touched a hot stove. Tears springing from her eyes, she dropped to her knees. ¡°Ah! Ah! It burns! Pepper, it burns!¡± Tosser cackled. ¡°Inside the bars of that cage, Margherita, is a puree made from all the most healthful vegetables in the world! Purple carrots, spinach, broccoli, even spirulina! It¡¯s loaded with vitamins, minerals, antioxidants¡ª¡± ¡°Noooo!¡± Margherita screamed as she put her hands on her head and curled into a ball. ¡°Those are just empty nutrients! Where¡¯s the flavor?¡± ¡°The flavor¡¯s right here, Margherita,¡± shouted Tosser, ¡°for I am now savoring my victory! Bwahahahahahaha!¡± ¡°You fiend!¡± barked Pepper. ¡°You¡¯ll never get away with this! Surrounding Pizza Margherita with health food? It¡¯s diabolical!¡± ¡°I¡¯ve already gotten away with it, you flea-brained mutt. My minions have just now put the final touches on my Global Demammalifier, which will at last destroy all the disgusting, distasteful, furbearing, milk-secreting life on this accursed planet! Once I add the Garnish of Gilgamesh, the machine¡¯s final component, you and all these foul humans will be dead!¡± Pepper gasped. Still cackling, Tosser threw a switch to lower his platform toward the glowing gap in the cylinder¡¯s side. Panting on the table, Annie weakly raised her head. ¡°But you promised,¡± she said, her voice rattling. ¡°Don¡¯t bother me, girl,¡± Tosser replied as he leaned eagerly toward the approaching glow. ¡°I have a genocide to commit and a post-genocidal victory dance to perform. Tonight, I might just shake my little vegetable booty.¡± He slapped himself on his thin backside. ¡°You promised,¡± Annie said again. ¡°Promised what? What in the world are you talking about, you adolescent head case?¡± ¡°You promised you¡¯d film it!¡± Annie shrieked. With an ear-piercing, inhuman cry that echoed throughout the vast chamber, she strained against her chains until her hands turned blue. Then, with a groan and a crash, the chains gave way and the table fell to the floor. ¡°Impossible!¡± Tosser cried. ¡°Now,¡± rasped Annie as she rose shakily to her feet, her stringy, sweat-drenched hair hanging over her face, ¡°give me my camera!¡± Snatching up her knife from the floor, she threw herself at Tosser. ¡°You crazy¡ª!¡± He shot vines out of his body, but she hacked at them, cutting several off. He tried to enwrap her to hold her at bay, but she rammed a shoulder into his abdomen, sending him reeling into the control panel. The platform started rising again. ¡°That¡¯s it, Annie!¡± Pepper shouted. Manipulating his own controls, he swung his and Margherita¡¯s platform downward. ¡°Hurry, Pepper!¡± Margherita cried. ¡°More soldiers!¡± Indeed, great swarms of Salad Soldiers were gathering on the walls. Like cockroaches, a few skittered up the gimbal arms of both platforms. Grabbing the lever in his tiny jaws, Pepper pushed. He lowered the platform until it was only a few feet under the one on which Tosser and Annie struggled. Then he swung around hard¡ª And the edge of Tosser¡¯s platform smashed straight into the bars of Margherita¡¯s cage! With a great crash, the bars collapsed. When the bars broke open at their bases, greenish vegetable puree poured across the floor. Fortunately, Margherita had the presence of mind to fire a string of mozzarella cheese from her wrist and stick it to Tosser¡¯s platform as it shot by over her head. As she swung out into open space, Pepper jumped and caught the hem of her skirt in his teeth. As he dangled from her dress, she quickly climbed upward. Some of the crawling Salad Soldiers reached the smashed cage, and they shook their massive, clawed fists at her as she escaped. Meanwhile, Annie had dug her knife deep into Tosser¡¯s chest, but he merely grinned coldly as he wrapped her in vines and lifted her into the air. ¡°Now, you little chit, I¡¯m going to choke the life out of you¡ªslowly.¡± From below the lip of the platform, a hand reached up and grabbed his left foot. With a grin, Margherita pulled herself up over the edge. ¡°I don¡¯t think so.¡± ¡°So you¡¯ve escaped,¡± Tosser snarled. ¡°Then let¡¯s finish it here!¡± After dropping Annie, he pulled the knife out of his chest and threw it away. From beneath his cloak, he pulled the Tongs of Infamy. With a vine, he snatched up the jar containing the Garnish of Gilgamesh. With a whoop, Margherita kicked her legs up and back. She flipped over in the air and landed on her feet in front of Tosser. Pepper dropped from her dress and hopped onto the control panel. Margherita again drew her Vorpal Slicer. Tosser smirked. He raised a hand to the swarming Salad Soldiers on the walls, signaling for them to keep their distance. ¡°Margherita is mine!¡± he shouted. ¡°The rest of you stay back!¡± ¡°Hiya!¡± Margherita struck out with her blade, but he swept it aside. ¡°Is this really what you want, Margherita?¡± he whispered. Margherita swung again, and Tosser paried with his spoon. ¡°What do you mean?¡± Margherita asked. Tosser thrust with his fork, but she spun the slicer in her hands, knocking him back. ¡°We are not so very different, you and I,¡± Tosser whispered. ¡°We¡¯re nothing alike!¡± ¡°Oh, I think we are!¡± He struck again. Again she parried. ¡°After all, I am a vegetable, and you cook with vegetables.¡± ¡°Liar!¡± She delivered a rapid series of heavy blows, but still he fought her off. ¡°Think, Margherita! You make your sauce with tomatoes! And you top your pizza with olives and bell peppers! Are these not vegetables? Are you not really, secretly, a servant of vegetables, just as I am?¡± Shaking with rage, Margherita screamed as she swung the Vorpal Slicer viciously. The blade slid through the tentacle holding the Garnish of Gilgamesh. The jar dropped to the floor and rolled to the platform¡¯s edge. ¡°No!¡± cried Tosser. His attention wavered, and Margherita moved in swiftly. With an inhuman snarl, she slashed her spinning blade in a half-circle, slicing away both his wrists. The fork and spoon tumbled into the abyss. With one hand, she grabbed him by the throat and lifted him into the air. ¡°Tomatoes, olives, and peppers,¡± she hissed, ¡°are fruits!¡± With that, she threw him hard over the side. He screamed as he flew backwards into the pulsing glow in the open side of the great cylinder. When he struck it, he instantly burst into orange flames. ¡°Ouch,¡± said Pepper. ¡°You sure cooked that vegetable.¡± Annie threw herself to the floor and grabbed the Mason jar holding the garnish before it could tumble over the side. ¡°I don¡¯t think so, Pepper,¡± she said. ¡°Oh?¡± said Pepper. ¡°I would have said, ¡®You sure tossed that salad.¡¯¡± The three of them laughed. The Salad Soldiers gathered on the walls howled in rage and shook their claws. Some, in dismay, threw themselves to their deaths. But then a great rumble and a loud groan, as of some vast, ancient creature breathing its last gasp, came from the cylinder. Dust rained down from overhead. Then a crack spread up the cylinder¡¯s side, and pulsing red light shone out. ¡°Oh no!¡± shouted Pepper. ¡°I think the whole thing¡¯s going to collapse!¡± Margherita shook her head. ¡°What is it with superweapons and secret bases? Don¡¯t villains have building codes?¡± A huge chunk of masonry dropped from above and smashed into the gimbal arm. The platform tipped precariously. Annie stumbled into Margherita, and Pepper barely held to the controls by his toenails. On the walls, the Salad Soldiers crawled in every direction, panicking. More of them lost their grip and fell, screaming. ¡°Get us out of here!¡± Pepper shouted. ¡°No problem!¡± Margherita shouted back. ¡°Pie in the Sky!¡± The huge pizza pie appeared. She threw Annie onto it, grabbed Pepper, and then leapt onto it herself. ¡°My camera!¡± Annie cried. ¡°It¡¯s too late!¡± Pepper yelled. Annie tried to jump from the pizza, but Margherita grabbed her around the waist and held her back. Now stones and dust plummeted from the ceiling on every side. ¡°Straight up, Margherita!¡± shouted Pepper. She shot upward, dodging back and forth between falling stones as she went. Overhead, through what used to be the roof, she could see the stars.
They shot out into the cool night. With a rumble like the thunder, the great fortress of the Salad Soldiers cracked and crumbled into the earth. Annie sobbed in Margherita¡¯s arms. The wind blew through their hair as Margherita somberly set a course toward the west, back toward Urbanopolis. ¡°I guess that¡¯s the last we¡¯ll see of King Tosser,¡± Margherita murmured. ¡°Unfortunately,¡± said Pepper, ¡°he can regenerate. Even after taking a hit like that, I wouldn¡¯t count on him being gone. Ultimately, it may be that only your Vorpal Slicer can bring him down, Margherita.¡± Margherita nodded. She patted Annie¡¯s back and then looked down at the Garnish of Gilgamesh in her hands. ¡°At least we got this. So little remains of humanity¡¯s past. Every remnant is precious.¡± ¡°It¡¯s dangerous,¡± Pepper said. ¡°Another monster could use it, or King Tosser could come for it again. We should destroy it.¡± Margherita considered for a minute, but then shook her head. ¡°No,¡± she said. ¡°This is part of the record of the life of man. And life is full of risks.¡± She kicked up the speed of the Pie in the Sky, and soon her eyes watered from the wind. Behind, the glow of the distant volcanos gave way to a band of burning gold when the sun at last peeked above the horizon and lent a peculiarly cozy warmth to the vast plains of the ruined Earth. Chapter 24: Bitter Tears Jake sat on the sofa with his parents and fidgeted. He swallowed hard, took a deep breath, and tried to steel himself for what was likely to be the most awkward meeting of his life. ¡°Don¡¯t mention Pretty Dynamo,¡± his mother said for the hundredth time as she patted his shoulder. ¡°Just don¡¯t mention her.¡± He ran a hand through his hair. ¡°I won¡¯t, Mom¡ª¡± ¡°And if you go out with Pretty Dynamo again, maybe you should wear a mask,¡± she added. ¡°And if you talk to any reporters or anything, change your voice.¡± ¡°Change my voice? How?¡± ¡°I don¡¯t know. Pretend you have a smoker¡¯s cough. Like Batman.¡± ¡°Mom, Batman is fictional. I¡¯m running around with magical girls, not cartoon characters.¡± His mother sighed. ¡°Oh, I know. Just ¡­ just don¡¯t say anything. I¡¯m kind of surprised Mil didn¡¯t recognize you anyway.¡± He shrugged. ¡°Maybe she doesn¡¯t watch the news.¡± His father frowned. ¡°Doesn¡¯t watch the news? What kind of person doesn¡¯t watch the news?¡± ¡°People who don¡¯t want to see Pretty Dynamo,¡± Jake replied. ¡°The newsmen talk about her all the time.¡± His father rubbed his chin and said nothing. When the doorbell rang, Jake¡¯s mother quickly jumped up and fussily waved her hands. ¡°Oh! That must be them!¡± She ran over to the front door, threw it open, and cried, ¡°Mrs. Volt! So nice to see you! Come in, come in!¡± Jake threw an arm over the back of the couch and half-turned toward the door, where he could see Millie Volt sweep over the stoop and into the great room. She still wore her toothy yet charming grin as well as her peculiar air of majesty. Somehow, her simply walking through a doorframe left Jake with the impression of a princess making a grand entrance, though that impression immediately disappeared when she bent over to take off her shoes. ¡°Sorry we¡¯re late, Mrs. Blatowski,¡± she said as she undid her laces. ¡°Dana suddenly, urgently wanted to go to Sunday Mass this morning, so I had to take her all the way down to Rome-in-Exile. She gets like that sometimes.¡± Mil wore a simple green pencil skirt and a white silk blouse. When she bent down to remove her shoes, Jake could look over her back to see her suitcase standing on the porch. Beside it stood Dana, once again in skorts, a T-shirt, a leather jacket, and thick makeup. She had her fists on her hips and a sneer on her mouth. Mil¡¯s smile slipped a notch when she straightened up and her eyes landed upon the scroll-shaped mezuzah near the top of the doorpost. ¡°Oh, ah ¡­ you know we¡¯re Catholic, right?¡± ¡°We don¡¯t care about things like that,¡± Jake¡¯s mother said as she ushered Mil inside. ¡°We follow the Moon Princess around here, so you make yourselves comfortable and hail Mary or splash holy water or do whatever it is you do.¡± ¡°Thank you, Mrs. Blatowski. That¡¯s very kind of you.¡± ¡°Just call me Silvia. Come in!¡± Jake¡¯s mother ushered Mil to the loveseat. Dana kicked off her sneakers and, without a word, walked in and sat beside her. Jake¡¯s mother fussed over them for a moment, trying to press beverages upon them. After a making few polite, token refusals, Mil acquiesced to a cup of coffee. Dana got a glass of orange juice. Holding a coffee mug of his own, Jake stared at Dana as she sipped her drink and kicked her feet. She gave him a green-eyed glare, but then, cradling her glass, put an elbow on an armrest and her chin on her palm, and affected boredom. ¡°Mass was rather nice this morning,¡± said Mil. ¡°But Nunchuk Nun and Lady Paladin Andalusia are usually both altar servers. I didn¡¯t see either of them today, so I hope they¡¯re all right.¡± Jake¡¯s stomach tightened up. His mother sat down next to him and put an arm around his shoulders. ¡°It was so nice to meet you after that town hall,¡± Mil said. ¡°My Maxwell and I¡ªthat¡¯s my late husband¡ªwe¡¯re from Little America, originally¡ª¡± ¡°I thought you had an American accent,¡± Jake¡¯s mother said. ¡°Hm?¡± said Mil, her toothy grin returning. ¡°You detect the twang? Not everyone can hear it. Both of us were Irish stock, mostly ¡­ and don¡¯t ask how hubby ended up with a funny name like Volt! It¡¯s a corruption, used to be O¡¯something-or-other, mangled through travels and transliterations. You know. Anyway, we were both flaming redheads, and we met through the Preservation Society¡ª¡± Jake¡¯s father scowled. Mil waved a hand. ¡°Oh, don¡¯t worry! Goodness, I don¡¯t associate with them anymore! When we joined up with that group, there were Mongolians from China and Malayalam-speaking Indians from Kerala and Negroes from Kenya who spoke French and Swahili! Max and I thought, this is what the Moon Princess envisioned, all these people so different in appearance, with different cultures, from all parts of the world, coming together and living in harmony! It was wonderful, and their goal of preserving the world¡¯s bloodlines made sense to us. It was just like all the archaeologists and curators and archivists trying to preserve cultures and religions and technologies and books! So we joined up, found out we were both largely Irish, took a liking to each other, and, well, the end result was Dana here.¡± She tousled Dana¡¯s hair, and Dana grumped. Mil sighed. ¡°But then we started seeing the other side of things. We didn¡¯t realize at first how opposed they were to race-mixing. You know the Preservation Society calls mixed people ¡®muds¡¯? They even tried to force members to stop speaking English or Japanese unless those were their native languages. So we left there. I think they meant well, but some of their ideas we just couldn¡¯t abide.¡± ¡°What brought you to Juban?¡± Jake¡¯s mother asked. Mil¡¯s smile turned wistful. She leaned forward in her seat and turned her cup in her hands. ¡°Work. I¡¯m a court stenographer, and I got a job at your courthouse here. Honestly, this part of the city is a bit upscale for us¡ª¡± ¡°Oh?¡± said Jake¡¯s mother. ¡°A stenographer? My, you must be quite the typist to do that.¡± ¡°Yes. I don¡¯t mean to brag, but I¡¯m rated at two hundred and ninety words per minute.¡± Mil glanced at Jake and wiggled her eyebrows as she added, ¡°I have fast hands.¡± His stomach clenched again, but for an entirely different reason. Did she seriously just ¡­ ? ¡°But enough about us,¡± Mil added, her smile now looking decidedly carnivorous as her eyes fixed firmly on Jake. ¡°I think we should get to know more about you. I feel like I know your son here already. You play basketball, is that right?¡± Jake shifted in his seat. ¡°Uh, yeah. Yeah, I do¡ª¡± ¡°And you know a lot about dinosaurs.¡± ¡°Well ¡­ yeah.¡± ¡°And I understand you¡¯re good at math.¡± ¡°I like to think so¡ª¡± ¡°And I hear you met my Dana down at the arcade, and she played a game with you and your friends.¡± ¡°Sure ¡­¡± I guess that¡¯s how it happened. Mil laughed softly and squeezed her daughter. ¡°It¡¯s been ¡®Jake this¡¯ and ¡®Jake that¡¯ at our place. But you know how Dana is¡ªshe¡¯s just a little chatterbox.¡± She is? Dana made an inarticulate noise in her throat and stared down at the hardwood floor. ¡°My,¡± Jake¡¯s mother said. ¡°You look so young. It really is amazing¡ª¡± Now Mil¡¯s grin grew a shade larger as she crossed one leg over the other, placed an elbow on her knee, and leaned her chin on her hand. Jake couldn¡¯t help but notice that she shifted in her seat so that her raised knee was pointing at him. ¡°How old do you think I am, Silvia?¡± ¡°Well, I wouldn¡¯t¡ª¡± ¡°Go on. Guess.¡± ¡°I ¡­ um ¡­ thirty?¡± Mil laughed. ¡°I suppose that¡¯s because my daughter¡¯s at my side, hm? You guessed high. I¡¯m twenty-six.¡± Jake did the math and swallowed hard. ¡°My Max and I were both in high school. I fought tooth and nail with my folks, and my father finally granted the emancipation because he knew I was as stubborn as he was and would elope if he didn¡¯t. We were kids, and we were sure we were ready¡ªyou know how it is. Worked our way through college once we graduated. Had a little help from the Rare Genes Fund, thanks to this hair. It stung the pride a bit to take a handout like that, but I won¡¯t say it didn¡¯t help us get by.¡± She looked down at the coffee in her hands as if noticing it for the first time, and finally took a deep drink. ¡°We¡¯re hoping you¡¯ll stay the night,¡± Jake¡¯s mother said. ¡°It¡¯s not much, but I did up the guest room, and there¡¯s a hideaway in the sewing room upstairs. Of course, that¡¯s just temporary. If you were to move in, we¡¯d convert a couple of¡ª¡± ¡°Oh, we don¡¯t need two rooms,¡± Mil said quickly. ¡°Why, we just have a one-bedroom apartment down the hill¡ª¡± ¡°Oh no, we wouldn¡¯t think of making you¡ª ¡°But your house is so nice. I¡¯d hate to¡ª¡± ¡°It¡¯s not a problem at all! Really, it wouldn¡¯t be!¡± Mil¡¯s smile slipped again. ¡°Well ¡­ all this space you have is so pleasant. But I¡¯d hate to take up too much of it. I feel we¡¯re imposing as it is.¡± ¡°Not at all. We asked you to join us here.¡± ¡°I know it¡¯s an emergency, but I¡¯m still not sure we should rush. After all, if we give up the apartment, they¡¯ll immediately turn around and give it to someone else, so it¡¯s not as if we could go back, at least not until they repair Little India.¡± ¡°We¡¯ll get by.¡± Mil sighed and took another drink. ¡°I suppose. It¡¯s a duty, after all, even if they¡¯re not ordering us to do it yet. And, to be honest, I¡¯ve been worried about bills, as this part of town really is a bit rich for us. But I¡¯d also hate to leave Juban now that Dana¡¯s finally making some friends¡ª¡± Dana, lower lip outthrust, tugged at her mother¡¯s sleeve. ¡°Mommy, I don¡¯t wanna live here,¡± she hissed. ¡°Hush, honey.¡± She tugged again, more insistently. ¡°I don¡¯t like Jake!¡± ¡°Dana, be nice.¡± ¡°But I don¡¯t like him!¡± ¡°I heard you. Be quiet now.¡± His thick spectacles sitting crooked on his nose, Jake¡¯s father stared at the ceiling for half a minute. ¡°Maybe the kids could share a room,¡± he absently suggested. Lowering her voice and leaning toward him, Jake¡¯s mother muttered, ¡°Kosmy, that¡¯s not appropriate.¡± ¡°Hm? Why? They¡¯re both¡ª¡± ¡°Dear, it¡¯s not appropriate.¡± Jake stared down at his coffee, which he¡¯d barely touched. Heh. I¡¯d rather share a room with her mom.
Sunday evening came on, and Jake was standing at the sink in the upstairs bathroom, brushing his teeth, when the door burst open. Dana walked in with a small bag over her shoulder, apparently her bath kit. He sputtered and spat out his toothpaste. ¡°Dana, what do you think you¡¯re doing?¡± ¡°Getting ready for bed.¡± ¡°You can¡¯t just walk in on¡ª¡± She surveyed the room and grunted. ¡°Figures. American bathroom. Toilet in the same room, and your tub is tiny, and you don¡¯t even have a separate place to wash.¡± ¡°Aren¡¯t you guys from Little America?¡± ¡°We¡¯ve always had a Japanese ofuroba.¡± She stepped up to him and pressed her hands against his waist, apparently to push him from the sink. He didn¡¯t budge. ¡°This is my bathroom,¡± he said. She growled faintly and glared up at him. ¡°It¡¯s gonna be our bathroom if Mom makes me live here.¡± ¡°The master bath is downstairs next to¡ª¡± ¡°That¡¯s your parents¡¯!¡± ¡°Well, okay, then use the hall bathroom.¡± She raised an eyebrow. ¡°How many bathrooms does this place have?¡± ¡°Three.¡± ¡°Dork.¡± ¡°You¡¯re insulting me because our house has three bathrooms? I didn¡¯t build the place.¡± She grunted, and then she peered at the toothbrush in his hands. ¡°Your toothbrush has dinosaurs on it.¡± ¡°So?¡± ¡°Dork.¡± She reached into her bag and pulled out a toothbrush adorned with blue lightning bolts. ¡°Move over.¡± ¡°Wait your turn.¡± ¡°Ladies first.¡± ¡°That¡¯s for buffets, not bathrooms. Bathrooms are first come, first serve. And you should knock before you barge in here. You might see something you can¡¯t un-see.¡± ¡°Like what?¡± ¡°Like ¡­ um ¡­ chest hair.¡± Dana crossed her arms and tapped a foot against the tile floor. ¡°You don¡¯t have chest hair.¡± ¡°Do so.¡± ¡°Do not.¡± ¡°Do so.¡± ¡°Prove it.¡±This novel''s true home is a different platform. Support the author by finding it there. ¡°No. Now get out!¡± She found his heavy safety razor hanging from its stand next to the sink. After putting down her toothbrush, she reached out and picked it up. ¡°Hey, careful with that! You¡¯ll cut yourself!¡± Holding it before her nose, she turned it in her fingers. ¡°What is this?¡± ¡°It¡¯s a razor.¡± ¡°Why¡¯s it funny-looking?¡± ¡°It¡¯s an old-fashioned razor. It¡¯s for men. Manly men. Now don¡¯t touch the top or you¡¯ll slice your hand open.¡± ¡°What¡¯s it for?¡± ¡°I shave with it, obviously.¡± She stuck out her lip and shot him another glare. ¡°I bet you don¡¯t have anything to shave except your palms.¡± ¡°I cannot believe what comes out of your mouth sometimes. I shave my face.¡± ¡°Do not.¡± ¡°Do so.¡± ¡°Do not.¡± ¡°Do so. I¡¯ve been shaving for months now!¡± She returned the razor to its stand, lifted her nose, and turned her back on him. ¡°I¡¯ve been shaving since I was nine.¡± ¡°Well ¡­ um ¡­ you¡¯re a girl. That¡¯s different.¡± ¡°I¡¯m more grown-up than you are.¡± ¡°Are not!¡± ¡°Am so!¡± ¡°Are not!¡± ¡°Am so!¡± ¡°Are not times infinity!¡± Dana tapped her foot. ¡°Grownups don¡¯t play those kinds of games.¡± ¡°You brat.¡± Grunting, she said, ¡°Hurry up and get out so I can brush my teeth and take my makeup off.¡± ¡°You get out!¡± She spun around again. ¡°No, you! Ladies first and grownups before kids!¡± ¡°I¡¯m the grownup here!¡± ¡°Are not! You don¡¯t shave enough! I shave more than you do!¡± ¡°Yeah, right. Whatever. Every morning, I risk my face¡ª¡± ¡°Risk?¡± ¡°Yeah, y¡¯know, I can nick myself. Nick myself all the time¡ª¡± ¡°You¡¯re worried about nicking your face?¡± ¡°I wouldn¡¯t say worried, but¡ª¡± She raised an eyebrow and said through clenched teeth, ¡°Try nicking an armpit.¡± ¡°Yeah ¡­ okay, that sounds worse.¡± ¡°So get out. I¡¯m more grown-up because my shaving¡¯s worse.¡± ¡°That¡¯s not how you determine who¡¯s a grownup!¡± ¡°Is so!¡± ¡°Is not!¡± ¡°Is so!¡± ¡°Is ¡­¡± He stopped himself and pinched the bridge of his nose. ¡°Honestly, Dana, I¡¯ll be out in a minute. I¡¯m a guy, so I don¡¯t have much to do. I just gotta brush my teeth and hang my underwear on the doorknob, and I¡¯m done.¡± ¡°Aren¡¯t you gonna bathe?¡± ¡°I shower. And I¡¯ll do that in the morning before I shave.¡± ¡°Gross.¡± She turned back to the sink and pulled open the medicine chest. ¡°Hey!¡± After she rummaged through various vials, tubes, and half-used packages of plasters, she pulled out a cone-shaped ceramic bottle with a red stopper. ¡°What¡¯s this?¡± ¡°I slap it on after I shave.¡± She pulled out a narrow spray can. ¡°And this?¡± ¡°Um ¡­ body spray.¡± ¡°You wear body spray?¡± ¡°You got a problem with that?¡± ¡°Dork. You know girls aren¡¯t gonna fall all over you like in the commercials.¡± ¡°My girlfriend seems to like it okay.¡± ¡°No she doesn¡¯t. I was there. She wouldn¡¯t even kiss you. You can¡¯t even get a kiss from your own girlfriend. No girl¡¯s ever gonna kiss you.¡± ¡°Maybe I¡¯ve kissed a girl who isn¡¯t my girlfriend.¡± ¡°Have not!¡± Jake merely crossed his arms and stared at her. She paused a moment as she twisted one foot back and forth. ¡°Have you?¡± ¡°Maybe.¡± With a growl, she sprayed the can onto her right wrist and sniffed it. Then she doused her other wrist with the aftershave and put it to her nose as well. After a moment of turning her mouth, she nodded. ¡°That¡¯s what I thought.¡± ¡°What?¡± She held up the bottle. ¡°Pumpkin bread.¡± Then she held up the can. ¡°Hydraulic fluid.¡± She dropped them both in the wastebasket. ¡°Hey!¡± After once again rummaging in the medicine chest, she pulled out his deodorant. She popped the cap off and stared at the stick for a moment before she said, ¡°I¡¯m not sniffing that. It¡¯s been in your pits.¡± She dropped it in the wastebasket as well. He sighed. ¡°Okay, Dana, game¡¯s over. Leave, please. I wanna brush my teeth.¡± Her eyebrows came together in a glower. ¡°I have to take my makeup off, and you can¡¯t watch, pervert, so you have to leave.¡± ¡°Why do you slather all that makeup on, anyway? You¡¯re a little kid.¡± ¡°No I¡¯m not. I¡¯m a grownup.¡± She turned to the sink and rummaged in her bag. ¡°I¡¯ve seen you without your makeup, so what difference does it make?¡± She growled, mumbled incoherently, and reached for his washcloth, which hung on a rod next to his bath towel. ¡°Wait, hold it. You¡¯re not taking your makeup off with that.¡± ¡°Why not?¡± ¡°Because it¡¯s mine.¡± ¡°So?¡± ¡°So it¡¯s been all over my face. You sure you wanna use it? That might count as an indirect kiss, I think. Then you would have kissed me, even if my girlfriend won¡¯t.¡± She snapped her hand back as if recoiling from a hot stove. With a sullen glower, she said, ¡°Get me another one.¡± ¡°Hold on.¡± He reached into the medicine chest and pulled out a small plastic tub. ¡°Here, I have baby wipes. Use these.¡± ¡°Why do you have baby wipes?¡± ¡°Why not?¡± ¡°Creep.¡± ¡°Wash your face, you brat. They have coconut oil in ¡¯em, I think, and that¡¯s supposed to be good for taking off makeup.¡± ¡°How would you know that?¡± ¡°I just do.¡± ¡°Weirdo.¡± ¡°I did a little theater in middle school¡ªwell, just one play¡ªso I¡¯ve worn makeup, too.¡± ¡°Double extra super weirdo.¡± She snatched the baby wipes from him, stared at them, and pouted anew. ¡°Dana, I¡¯ve already seen¡ª¡± ¡°You can¡¯t see now, so go away!¡± ¡°What are you hiding? Do your freckles embarrass you? They shouldn¡¯t. You¡¯re really cute, so¡ª¡± She growled. ¡°Out.¡± Jake had noticed that Dana blushed easily, and usually, her ears would be bright red by this time. Now they weren¡¯t, and standing close to her as he was, he could see that they had makeup caked on them, just like the rest of her face. She had it down her neck, too, and some of her foundation had even got on her T-shirt collar, turning it an unwholesome shade of peach. ¡°You¡¯re covering a sunburn, aren¡¯t you? I told you to put on some sunscreen¡ª¡± Her eyebrows came together, and the muscles in her cheeks poked out as she clenched her teeth. As if to wield it as a weapon, she reached for his safety razor again, but this time her hand landed on the head, and her fingers went down over the exposed edges of the blade. With a yelp, she snapped her hand back, and the razor clattered into the sink along with several drops of bright red blood. She clutched her hand, bounced around on tiptoe, and whimpered as more blood dribbled onto the tile floor. ¡°Sweet Princess, Dana, you¡¯re getting your hep C all over everything. Here, sit.¡± He grabbed her shoulders and pushed her down onto the edge of the tub. ¡°Now let me see it.¡± She kept her hand bunched in a bloody fist, so he seized her wrist and pried her fingers open. ¡°See? I told you not to touch it. You¡¯re lucky it¡¯s got a safety bar, or you¡¯d need stitches. Hold still.¡± Though she pouted, she didn¡¯t pull her hand back. Instead, she held it toward him and continued to drip on the floor as he dug through the cupboard under the sink. After a few seconds, he pulled out a large first-aid kit. ¡°See this? This is my make-Dana-feel-better box. I have aloe, too.¡± He pulled open an iodine wipe and slathered it over her hand. She mumbled in complaint and tried to pull back, so he grabbed her wrist again. Then he peeled open three adhesive bandages, placing one on her thumb, one on her index finger, and one on her middle finger. ¡°You need to relax. You get yourself all worked up like this, and then you get hurt.¡± She mumbled incoherently. ¡°There,¡± he said as he affixed the last bandage. ¡°Want me to kiss it this time?¡± ¡°No.¡± ¡°If I don¡¯t kiss it, I can¡¯t make it all better.¡± ¡°Don¡¯t care. Don¡¯t want it all better.¡± Laughing quietly, he pulled out some baby wipes and took the makeup off her face. She continued pouting as he worked, but she no longer fussed. She sat in silence and stared down at the floor, but she closed her eyes when he told her to so he could wipe away her eyeshadow. It took several minutes, but once he was sure he had it all off, he wiped her face with a moist washcloth. Her cheeks and ears were indeed bright red. She wasn¡¯t exactly burnt to a crisp, but she was no doubt suffering, and the burns would certainly peel in a few days. The freckles had thickened on her cheeks, forming two dark brown patches right under her eyes. ¡°Sheesh, Dana, if you don¡¯t like being freckled, don¡¯t get sunburns.¡± He took a bottle of aloe lotion out of his kit, squeezed some onto his hands, and rubbed it gently into her cheeks and neck. Then he massaged it into her ears. Her ears were tiny. She squinched up her eyes. ¡°Why do you care?¡± He paused for a moment in his rubbing. ¡°Hm?¡± ¡°Why do you care what happens to me? Why do you try to be nice? I¡¯m not nice to you.¡± ¡°You¡¯re not nice to anybody, though, are you?¡± After a moment apparently spent in consideration, she shook her head, which caused his hands to slip from her ears. Kneeling in front of her, he rested his wrists on his knees and said, ¡°Remember when you fought in the Robosaur mothership, and they fired the Weapon?¡± She nodded. ¡°I thought you were dead, and I realized something.¡± ¡°What?¡± ¡°It annoyed me. When you get hurt, it annoys me.¡± He tapped her button nose and then smeared aloe on it. ¡°So don¡¯t get hurt. If you want me to leave you alone, all you have to do is stay safe and not get hurt.¡± She put her hands in her lap and stared down at them. ¡°I can¡¯t stay safe. And I hurt all the time. Being Dynamo makes me ¡­ it makes me sore all over. Everything hurts.¡± He screwed the lid onto the aloe bottle and put it away. ¡°Then you better get used to me. I don¡¯t even care if you call me names and hit me. But I¡¯m not going away.¡± He didn¡¯t bother trying to shoo her from the bathroom again. He mopped up the blood on the floor with tissue and then rinsed out the sink. Then he made her brush her teeth. As he brushed his own teeth, she silently watched him. Once he had gargled and rinsed, he headed off to his room. Quietly, bare feet making little noise in the carpeted hall, she followed. ¡°What are you doing?¡± ¡°Nothing,¡± she said. ¡°Then don¡¯t follow me.¡± ¡°We¡¯re just going the same direction.¡± ¡°The sewing room is the other way. That¡¯s where you¡¯re sleeping.¡± He stopped, and she stopped, too. Then he walked again, and still she followed. When he pushed open his door, she ducked under his arm and stepped inside. ¡°Hey!¡± Standing in the middle of his room, Fists on hips, she looked around and made that rasping noise. His room was small, but he liked it. His bed was getting worn out, but it was comfortable. A small desk stood in the corner where he did his homework, and he had a purple beanbag chair. On the blue-painted walls hung a playbill from a showing of The Music Man and a poster containing names and pictures of thirty different dinosaurs. ¡°You¡¯re a slob,¡± she said. ¡°If you don¡¯t like it, get out.¡± She pointed at a pile of clothes in front of his closet. ¡°Yuck.¡± Then she pointed at the bed, the sheets of which were in disarray. ¡°Nasty.¡± ¡°Yeah, that¡¯s nice. Look, I¡¯d like to go to bed now¡ª¡± She walked to his bed, grabbed the edge of the crumpled comforter, and tugged it to smooth it out, thereby revealing its design, a panoramic scene with volcanoes in the background, tropical ferns in the foreground, and a Tyrannosaurus roaring in between. ¡°Your blanket has dinosaurs on it,¡± she said. ¡°I¡¯ve had that since I was seven. You can leave now.¡± She reached under the sheets, grabbed a large, amorphous lump, and pulled. Her hands came out gripping a well-worn yellow plush toy with a beak, three horns, and a large frill behind its head. Dana stared at it for half a minute. ¡°What is this?¡± ¡°That¡¯s Trilly. Got her at a museum gift shop when I was eight. She¡¯s a Triceraptops.¡± ¡°She? You sleep with a girl? You¡¯re gross.¡± ¡°You rather I slept with a boy?¡± She turned the toy upside down, spread its hind legs, and examined the space between. ¡°What are you doing?¡± ¡°Checking for suspicious stains.¡± ¡°Okay, Dana, that¡¯s enough. I¡¯m out of patience.¡± Tucking the toy under one arm, she stuck her nose in the air and declared, ¡°Fine. It¡¯s past my bedtime.¡± She marched out the door and stomped down the hall. He followed. Halfway to the sewing room, she spun around and held up one hand. ¡°You can¡¯t follow me.¡± ¡°We¡¯re just going the same direction.¡± Growling, she spun around again and continued stomping, now at a faster pace. He walked faster as well, so she jogged. He jogged. Then she sprinted, and he bounded after. Once she reached the doorway of the sewing room, she fumbled with the knob, leapt inside, turned, and held up a hand again. ¡°Hold it!¡± He skidded to a halt. ¡°Yes?¡± ¡°You can¡¯t come in here! I have to go to bed!¡± ¡°Why are you going to bed with my plush toy ¡­ and wearing my aftershave?¡± With clenched teeth, she pointed down at the doorjamb. ¡°You see that invisible line?¡± ¡°Uh¡ª¡± ¡°That line marks this room as a no ball zone.¡± ¡°A what?¡± ¡°If anything tries to come in here with balls¡±¡ªshe leaned toward him and shook a fist¡ª¡°it loses its balls!¡± With that, she slammed the door in his face. He blinked for a few seconds, but then leaned his nose against the door, cupped his hands over his mouth, and shouted, ¡°You want me to read you a bedtime story?¡± From the other side, she yelled, ¡°No!¡± ¡°Want me to tuck you in?¡± ¡°Pervert!¡± ¡°Want me to kiss you good night?¡± The door flew open again. Dana still had a pout on her face, but her chest heaved, and tears ran from both eyes. She had her arms wrapped hard around the plush toy¡¯s neck, as if she were holding on for dear life¡ªor trying to strangle it. ¡°You,¡± she shrieked through clenched teeth, ¡°are not my dad!¡± He blinked again. Oops. After taking a deep breath and clearing his throat, he lowered himself to his knees so his eyes were level with hers. ¡°Dana, I¡¯m not trying to be.¡± ¡°What are you trying to do?¡± He rolled his tongue around in his mouth for half a minute. Just what the heck am I trying to do? ¡°Well,¡± he said, tapping his chest, ¡°if we¡¯re gonna have to live together, maybe you can think of me as your big brother.¡± Arms still tight around Trilly, she stared at the floor and muttered, ¡°Well ¡­ you¡¯d be more like my little brother, since I¡¯m more grown-up than you are.¡± ¡°Have it your way.¡± ¡°But you can¡¯t be my brother! You¡¯ve just been an acquaintance up ¡¯til now.¡± She twisted a foot on the doorjamb and squeezed the plush Triceratops. Its head covered the lower half of her face, making her eyes look huge. ¡°Can¡¯t go from acquaintance to brother,¡± she mumbled with the toy muffling her voice. ¡°That¡¯s not how it works.¡± ¡°How about friend, then? You can go from acquaintance to friend, right?¡± She stared at him silently. After several seconds, with most of her face still hidden behind the toy, she held up her bandaged hand. ¡°What does that mean?¡± ¡°Friends can kiss ouches,¡± she said quietly. ¡°But only sometimes.¡± He leaned forward and gently kissed her palm. ¡°There. Now it¡¯s all better.¡± She nodded solemnly and lowered her hand. ¡°Want me to kiss your ears and cheeks, too, since you burned them?¡± With a snarl, she slammed the door again, this time catching the tip of his nose. With an oof, he fell back on his rump, rubbed his face, and laughed. He sat there for a second, elbows resting on his knees, and stared at the closed door. He shook his head and groaned faintly as he rose to his feet. After he stood, the door opened a crack, and one of Dana¡¯s green eyes peered out. ¡°You should go to bed, Dana.¡± ¡°So should you.¡± ¡°Yeah, that¡¯s where I¡¯m going. We both gotta go to fifth grade tomorrow, after all. Why are you still up? You really hoping I¡¯ll tuck you in?¡± She growled again. ¡°You¡¯re not my dad.¡± ¡°No, I¡¯m not.¡± He chewed the inside of his cheek. ¡°Dana, maybe ¡­ um ¡­ I know it¡¯s not my business, but can I ask¡ª?¡± Her green eye stared at him, unblinking, unreadable, like a jewel in the dark. ¡°It¡¯s true,¡± she whispered. He watched her silently, but a tickle in the back of his throat slowly congealed into a lump. For the briefest moment, his knees shook. ¡°It¡¯s true,¡± she whispered again. ¡°I¡¯m the one who killed him.¡± With that, she slammed the door once more. This time, it stayed shut.
Jake didn¡¯t believe it for a minute. But maybe he could believe it for half a minute. Maybe. He padded slowly down the hall. His heart pounded, and in that quiet house, late in the evening, when everyone else was in bed, it sounded like the ominous beat of a war drum. Dana loved her father. He was sure of it. And Pretty Dynamo ¡­ No, she loved him, too. She had started to talk about him after their scuffle in the alleyway. And though Andalusia had warned him that there were different theories on the subject of personas, he was reasonably sure that Dana and Dynamo were the same person. Pretty Dynamo acted a lot like Dana when she was tired, hungry, or upset. And just once, he had seen Dana happy, and she was an entirely different girl then, too. If one good meal with a friend could change Dana that much, there was no reason to think Dynamo¡¯s personality implied that she was a separate being from her alter ego. Andalusia had told him there were different theories, and now he had a pet theory of his own: the girls¡¯ powers supposedly had a lot to do with unfulfilled desires, so perhaps their personas represented traits they wished they had, or sides of their personalities they wanted to reveal but usually couldn¡¯t. Dynamo was brassy and athletic where Dana was quiet and clumsy. Maybe Dynamo was everything Dana wished she could be. Maybe that was why Dana hated her. Besides, he¡¯d seen Dynamo¡¯s reaction when that woman died in the crumbling apartment building. And he¡¯d seen her reaction when the demoniac tried to drag him to hell. She killed monsters, certainly, but she didn¡¯t like it when people died. So no, Pretty Dynamo wouldn¡¯t kill Dana¡¯s dad. He was sure of it. Pretty sure. Mostly. When he reached his room, he leaned on the doorframe. He could still hear his heart pounding a war beat in his ears. I can kill you. Never forget that. He swallowed hard, and he felt his forehead dampen. Dynamo had told him that, standing over him in the alleyway. He shuddered. What she¡¯d said was literally true, and until now, he¡¯d considered no other implications. She was a magical girl. She was powerful. Of course she could kill him, or anybody, if she wanted to. But she hadn¡¯t killed him. They¡¯d scuffled, but it had been like a couple of young boys on the playground figuring out the pecking order. One knocks the other down, and then they stop. She¡¯d given him a few good bruises, but she hadn¡¯t really hurt him. He and Ralph had done worse to each other back when they were in grade school. He frowned. This hadn¡¯t occurred to him before: Pretty Dynamo fought like a boy. The last time he¡¯d gone through grade school, the boys had scrapped with one another, but never with the girls. This was not only because their parents had taught them that hitting girls made them sissies, but also because girls were scary. Boys slugged each other, but girls bit and kicked. A boy would punch your face, but a girl would claw your eyes out. In middle school, he¡¯d seen plenty of fights in which boys tried to break each other¡¯s noses, and he¡¯d even been in a couple. When a boy went down, the fight was over. Fights between girls were rare, but he¡¯d seen those, too, and they were worse. Girls didn¡¯t stop when one went down. His hand tightened on the doorframe. Once the battle was over, he had wanted mercy for the wounded Robosaurs, but Rifle Maiden had instead walked among them, killing them where they lay. This is total war, Marionette had told him. And it was. Because that¡¯s how girls fought. Urbanopolis was locked in a giant girl fight, and it wasn¡¯t going to stop until it had clawed its enemy¡¯s eyes out¡ªits enemy being the rest of the universe.
He finally walked into his room, closed the door, and began unbuttoning his shirt. So if all that was true, why hadn¡¯t Dynamo beaten him to a pulp? Why had she simply shown him she was tough enough, and then quit? What was she trying to prove? Did she want to impress him? But that was pointless. He already knew she was a magical girl. He already knew how strong she was. As he dropped his shirt to the floor, he shook his head. He didn¡¯t know what was going on in her head. All he had was speculation. And maybe he didn¡¯t need to know. Maybe it was none of his business. Although magical girls were exempt from most of the city¡¯s laws, the courts could theoretically convict one for murder. As far as he knew, it had never happened, and he had no idea how the police or MPs could arrest a magical girl anyway. But no one had tried to arrest Dynamo, and there was no talk on the news of bringing her to justice, so there must be some sort of mistake. Whatever else she was, she wasn¡¯t a murderer. He shook his head again and began peeling off his undershirt. He froze suddenly, with his elbows in the air, when a voice came from a dark corner of the room: it was a soft voice, a trembling, timid voice. It was a girl¡¯s voice. ¡°I¡¯m sorry, Jake Blatowski,¡± the voice whispered. ¡°But you¡¯ve learned my secret, and you¡¯re gonna have to die now.¡± Bonus Story: Jake and Danas St. Valentines Day Extravaganza Fan art by Roffles Lowell It was late afternoon on St. Valentine¡¯s Day. Now that school was out, Jake and Ralph sat on the floor in front of the couch and played a video game. The game, specifically, was a port of Magical Girl Rumble for the Nintendo Ultimate. Although not a bad fighting game, it didn¡¯t compare to the arcade version: it had only twenty playable girls instead of thousands, and somebody had decided not to bother taking advantage of the Ultimate¡¯s motion sensor technology, so they had to play the old-fashioned way with handheld controllers. ¡°Boom!¡± Ralph shouted as he executed a devastating triple combo with Razor Urchin¡¯s monomolecular filament. ¡°You¡¯re dead, dude. Just a few more hits, and¡ª¡± Jake mashed buttons until his Pretty Dynamo avatar jabbed and slashed with her spear, finally pinning Razor Urchin against a bombed-out building. Once Urchin¡¯s health bar slid down to zero, she bounced into the air in slow motion before slamming hard into the pavement. Jake dropped his controller. ¡°Thank you, thank you. I¡¯m here all night.¡± ¡°Ah, you got lucky! Where¡¯s your stash?¡± Jake reached behind himself, grabbed a plastic grocery bag off the sofa, and tossed it into Ralph¡¯s lap. ¡°Ya gotta admit,¡± Ralph said as he dug through the bag¡¯s contents, ¡°going back to fifth grade has its perks.¡± ¡°Easy for you to say.¡± ¡°Are you kiddin¡¯? Just look at this haul. I haven¡¯t seen this much obligatory chocolate since¡ª¡± ¡°Since fifth grade?¡± ¡°Pretty much. So, did you get some for all the other kids, too?¡± ¡°Of course. I even bought one of those big packs of Valentine¡¯s Day cards with the cartoon characters on ¡¯em, and I made one out to everybody.¡± ¡°See? You like elementary school more than you wanna admit.¡± Jake grunted. ¡°Whatever. We¡¯re going to convince the superintendent to let me into high school. Seriously. Any day now.¡± ¡°The year¡¯s more than half over, dude.¡± ¡°Shut up.¡± Ralph pulled out a candy, unwrapped it, and tossed it into his mouth. He chewed for a moment and then nodded. ¡°Peanut butter. Nice.¡± ¡°Yeah. Just be glad I¡¯m sharing.¡± Jake patted Ralph on the head. ¡°Poor Ralph, didn¡¯t get chocolate from a single girl¡ª¡± The doorbell rang. Jake jumped to his feet, padded to the front door, and threw it open. Chelsea stood on the porch in a flowery, eggshell-blue dress and a blue windbreaker. ¡°Oh my frickin¡¯ Princess, I¡¯m freezin¡¯ my jugs off out here. Let me the frick in.¡± She stomped inside, tossed her jacket on the floor, and peeled off her UGG boots. ¡°I swear,¡± she said, ¡°whoever¡¯s idea it was to put a holiday about romance in the middle of frickin¡¯ February needs to be shot.¡± ¡°Yeah,¡± said Jake, ¡°I think it was some religious thing originally, like some guy got martyred on that day, so¡ª¡± ¡°Whatever. Ralph, is that you?¡± Ralph, from the other side of the couch, raised a hand. ¡°Yo, Chels. C¡¯mon in and have some of Jake¡¯s hoard. He¡¯s got a year¡¯s supply of obligatory elementary school chocolate over here.¡± ¡°Like, eww. That¡¯s probably had little kids¡¯ dirty, snotty hands all over it.¡± ¡°Still tastes good.¡± Chelsea sighed. ¡°Doesn¡¯t matter. Jake an¡¯ I got a date.¡± Jake blinked. ¡°We do?¡± With a fist on a hip, Chelsea rounded on him. ¡°Uh, yeah? Cuz it¡¯s, like, frickin¡¯ Valentine¡¯s Day?¡± ¡°Oh ¡­ um ¡­¡± Chelsea slapped her forehead. ¡°Let me guess¡ª¡± ¡°You brought Jake chocolate, right, Chels?¡± Ralph yelled. ¡°Excuse me?¡± Jake cleared his throat and tugged at his collar. ¡°Well, I mean, I was figurin¡¯ you¡¯d maybe, y¡¯know, possibly bring me chocolate, because¡ª¡± Chelsea raised an eyebrow. ¡°Why would I bring you chocolate?¡± ¡°Valentine¡¯s Day? I mean, girls usually give boys chocolate on Valentine¡¯s Day, so¡ª¡± Chelsea rolled her eyes. ¡°Jake, what do you think this is, Little Kyoto? You¡¯re supposed to give me chocolate on Valentine¡¯s Day.¡±Stolen from its rightful place, this narrative is not meant to be on Amazon; report any sightings. ¡°In Japan, traditionally¡ª¡± ¡°Do I look Japanese?¡± ¡°Uh, no, but¡ª¡± She rapped her knuckles against his chest. ¡°Seriously, you are so frickin¡¯ lucky that I¡¯m low-maintenance. Next year, you better have¡±¡ªshe counted these off on her fingers¡ª¡°one dozen long-stemmed red roses, a corny heart-shaped box of chocolates that plays Elvis tunes when you open it, and dinner and a movie. Got it? And don¡¯t get any of those nasty raspberry cr¨¨me-filled chocolates either or I will frickin¡¯ disown you. They taste like cough syrup.¡± ¡°Yes, ma¡¯am.¡± ¡°Good boy.¡± She marched toward the couch. ¡°I can¡¯t believe you didn¡¯t get me anything. Boys are supposed to give girls stuff on Valentine¡¯s Day.¡± Jake sighed. ¡°That¡¯s not really fair. Boys have to give girls stuff all year round.¡± ¡°That¡¯s how it is, Jake!¡± ¡°Then what about White Day?¡± ¡°What the frick is White Day?¡± He sighed again. ¡°Never mind.¡± Chelsea plopped down on the couch. ¡°Hey, is this Magical Girl Rumble?¡± ¡°Yeah,¡± said Ralph. He tossed the grocery bag into her lap. ¡°Have some chocolate.¡± ¡°Eww!¡± ¡°It¡¯s all in tinfoil and stuff. You¡¯ll be fine.¡± ¡°Still eww.¡± She reached into the bag, grabbed a piece, and popped it into her mouth anyway. ¡°Hey, this isn¡¯t bad.¡± ¡°What did you expect?¡± said Ralph. ¡°It¡¯s chocolate. You want some of mine, too?¡± He tossed her his controller, leaned over, and found his backpack, which he¡¯d earlier wedged between the sofa and an end table. ¡°Wait a second,¡± said Jake as he sat down next to Chelsea. ¡°I thought you didn¡¯t get any.¡± Ralph handed Chelsea a prettily wrapped package in red and gold cloth, tied up with a pink bow. She raised an eyebrow. ¡°Seriously, Ralph, that¡¯s nice, but I don¡¯t have feelings for you. That would be, like, practically incest.¡± ¡°I¡¯m not confessing to you. I¡¯m just sharing. All my sisters gave me chocolate.¡± ¡°Gross,¡± Chelsea said as she tossed the package against Ralph¡¯s head. ¡°That is practically incest.¡± ¡°It is not!¡± ¡°What have you got in here?¡± Chelsea asked as she returned to Jake¡¯s bag. ¡°Looks like mostly store-bought stuff, but ¡­ what¡¯s this?¡± She pulled out a little box in red tissue paper with purple, green, and pink ribbons tying it up. ¡°This is elaborate,¡± she said as she turned it in her hands. ¡°What kid went to this trouble?¡± ¡°Oh, that,¡± said Jake. ¡°That¡¯s from my teacher, Miss Percy.¡± ¡°She gave one to everybody?¡± ¡°Yeah, of course ¡­ actually, most of ¡¯em weren¡¯t that elaborate¡ª¡± ¡°There¡¯s a note attached. Did you read it?¡± ¡°Uh ¡­ no, but, I mean, it¡¯s a note from my teacher. Probably just says ¡®Good job!¡¯ or ¡®Keep working hard!¡¯ or something like¡ª¡± The note was a little heart-shaped tag, folded over. Chelsea flipped it open, and inside in cursive red ink, it merely said, ¡°CALL ME.¡± The three of them stared at the note in silence for a full minute. ¡°Okaaaay,¡± Chelsea said at last as she gingerly set the package on the floor. The front door burst open and Dana, still in her school winter fuku with its matching pea coat and her satchel over her shoulder, marched in. ¡°Oh, look,¡± said Chelsea after a disdainful glance over her shoulder, ¡°it¡¯s the brat. Still freeloading off my boyfriend, half-pint?¡± Dana merely made a growling sound in the back of her throat and stomped flat-footed to the couch. Once she stood in front of Jake, she said, ¡°I need to talk to you.¡± ¡°What, now?¡± She growled again. ¡°Now.¡± Jake heaved himself upright. ¡°Just a minute, guys.¡± Dana stomped through the kitchen, out the back door, and into the garage. He followed. The garage was chilly, and it was dark. His parents¡¯ car took up most of it, and what little space was left was given over to his father¡¯s tools. Wedged between the car and a shelf holding coffee cans full of nails and screws, he crossed his arms and stared down at Dana, who tapped her index fingers together and gazed at the floor. ¡°What¡¯s up?¡± he asked. ¡°Why are you late? Were you¡ª?¡± She muttered to herself for a moment before she said, ¡°Monsters.¡± ¡°Oh, Princess, really? Where?¡± ¡°East side of Little India. I was gonna come straight home, but the boss called¡ª¡± ¡°I know. I understand. Sorry I wasn¡¯t there. You didn¡¯t get hurt, did you? Tesla okay?¡± ¡°He¡¯s fine. I¡¯m fine. Little India¡¯s fine.¡± ¡°Good.¡± She growled again. With one hand, she reached up and tugged on her hair, a nervous gesture he usually only saw her perform when she was Magical Girl Pretty Dynamo. ¡°Y¡¯know, um, yesterday, I mean, I made all that chocolate¡ª¡± ¡°Yes, and I was very proud of you. I¡¯m really impressed that you decided to give everyone homemade. I mean, most of the kids bought theirs at the store. I know I did.¡± He laughed. Her ears were bright pink. She rubbed her neck, looked in his eyes for a moment, but then turned her face up to the ceiling. ¡°So, anyway, I made too much¡ª¡± ¡°Huh?¡± ¡°Too much. I made too much. And I couldn¡¯t eat it, so¡ª¡± ¡°What do you mean you couldn¡¯t eat it? You eat anything. You¡¯re like a human garbage disposal.¡± Her ears went from pink to bright red, and she clenched her teeth. ¡°Jerk!¡± ¡°Okay, okay. Calm down. What are you trying to tell me?¡± Grumbling, she reached into her satchel and pulled out a little bag of thin blue cotton tied up with a yellow bow. Staring resolutely at the shelf of nails, she held it toward him. ¡°You eat it. So it doesn¡¯t go to waste.¡± ¡°Aw, Dana, are you giving me chocolate?¡± She ground her teeth, and the hand reaching toward him shook. ¡°Only so it doesn¡¯t go to waste! I made too much!¡± ¡°Right, right. I get it.¡± He took it from her hand. ¡°And you even wrapped it up for me.¡± She clenched her fists, stamped a foot, and after shaking for a second in apparent indecision, finally kicked him in the shin. ¡°Jerk!¡± she shouted as she marched back into the house. ¡°Creep! Weirdo! I hope you choke! I hope all that chocolate poisons you like a dog!¡± Limping slightly, he followed her inside, but she quickly ran pell-mell up the stairs, and a moment later, he heard her door slam. He shrugged and joined the others on the couch. ¡°What was that about?¡± Ralph asked. Jake sighed. ¡°Who knows? Just Dana being Dana. You guys want some chocolate?¡± Chelsea raised an eyebrow. ¡°Did the brat give you that?¡± ¡°Yeah. She made too much. Want some?¡± ¡°Frick no. Who knows what she did to it? Probably spit in it or something.¡± ¡°Well, you¡¯ve already eaten it. That first piece you grabbed was hers.¡± ¡°What?¡± ¡°Yeah, I had one from her in my bag, just like I had one from every other kid in my class.¡± Chelsea leapt to her feet. ¡°Eww! Eww! The sawed-off little twerp had her grubby fingers all over something I ate? Gross! Nasty! I need a frickin¡¯ stomach pump!¡± ¡°Ah,¡± said Ralph, as he tore into the package from his sisters, ¡°now that¡¯s romantic.¡± He popped a piece into his mouth, chewed for half a minute, and said, ¡°Hey that¡¯s not bad. They¡¯re raspberry cr¨¨me-filled, my favorite. Jake, you want some? It¡¯s had Lex and Barb¡¯s grubby fingers all over it.¡± ¡°Nice,¡± said Jake as he reached into the open package. ¡°I¡¯ll gladly eat anything from Barbara¡¯s fingers.¡± ¡°Don¡¯t get any funny ideas about my sisters.¡± Ralph nodded toward the gift from Dana. ¡°So you gonna read the note?¡± ¡°What?¡± ¡°Dude, pay attention.¡± Ralph pointed at the package. It too, like the one from Miss Percy, had a folded-over heart attached to the ribbon. Jake flipped it open. Inside, in a child¡¯s scrawl, it said, ¡°This is just obligatory and because I made too much so don¡¯t go all weird on me but thanks for having my back. ¡ªPD.¡± ¡°PD?¡± Ralph asked as he peered over Jake¡¯s shoulder. ¡°What does that stand for? Shouldn¡¯t it be ¡®DV¡¯? Y¡¯know, Dana Volt?¡± ¡°Don¡¯t worry about it,¡± Jake replied. ¡°It¡¯s just something between her and me.¡± He pulled out a chocolate piece and bit into it. It was very sweet. Chapter 25: Wake Up Call Jake spun around. There in the corner next to the door sat a girl, curled up in a ball with her knees against her chest. She must have been hiding behind the door when he came in. She had her right arm pointed at him, her hand bunched into a fist. That hand was shaking. ¡°Who¡ª?¡± With a loud clatter like tumbling kitchen utensils, several objects jumped out of her wrist: white knobs, spheres, and lozenges, all with long, gray tubes attached to them. The tubes pointed at him. Tears ran down the girl¡¯s face. She shuddered and ducked her head. ¡°I¡¯m ¡­ I¡¯m r-really s-sorry¡ª¡± So dumbfounded was he that it took him several seconds to realize she had a dozen guns trained on him, enough time for her to shoot him several times over. Once he did realize it, he broke out in a cold sweat, but it was still another second before he moved. He could bolt for the door, but she was right next to it. Or he could jump out the window, but he¡¯d shred himself on the glass unless he took the time to throw it open, in which case she¡¯d shoot him in the back. He was about to leap toward the window anyway when something else made the decision for him. From the girl¡¯s chest came a high, tinny voice: ¡°Civilian noncombatant detected. Safety protocols enabled. Ranged weapons deactivating.¡± With another cacophony of tinny clanking, the guns folded back into the girl¡¯s arm. She shot to her feet and pounded a fist against her forearm. ¡°No! No! Override safety! Override safety!¡± If he¡¯d been thinking clearly, he would have taken the chance to throw the window up and drop to the grass. Instead, he jumped her. She shrieked as he grabbed her around the waist and lifted her off her feet. She was slender, yet heavier than she looked, apparently packing some solid muscle. But he still outweighed her by a lot. Unsure what to do, he threw her, and she landed hard on his bed, making the springs groan as she bounced. He jumped her again and landed on top of her. The strange circumstances had him confused. The moment she¡¯d spoken from behind him, adrenaline had gushed into his veins. His heart thudded like mad, and his gasping breath poured in and out. His head felt clear, but he was taking too long to pick up important details¡ªlike her spiky pink hair and her bicycle helmet, or the white, molded armor over her chest that was now digging into his solar plexus. For the second time, he was wrestling a magical girl. If she really intended to kill him, he¡¯d be dead in a minute, and he¡¯d go the hard way¡ªshe¡¯d probably start by ripping his arms off. Eyes wide, lips drained of color, and sweat streaming off her face, she lifted him up with one hand and grabbed his left arm just below the shoulder in a fierce, crushing grip. He gasped. She pulled¡ª Here it comes¡ª A voice from her chest said calmly, ¡°Civilian noncombatant detected. Safety protocols enabled. Strength enhancements deactivating.¡± ¡°No!¡± the girl wailed. He landed heavily, and one of her molded breasts hit him in the pit of his stomach, winding him. She rained punches on his head and shoulders. Even without help from her power suit, she packed a wallop, but she wasn¡¯t his match. He absorbed two slugs to the jaw and then, after catching her wrists, pinned her arms over her head. That gave him no leverage, so he ended up with his face in the bedsheets and her armor leaving bruises around his chest. She squirmed and bucked. After planting his right knee inside her left thigh, he tried to pin her right calf between his left arm and his side to keep her from kicking him. In the process, he realized he knew nothing at all about proper grappling. Part of his mind, finally swimming through the fog of fear and surprise to reach clarity, pointed out that he¡¯d just made several stupid decisions: the time to tackle her had been as soon as she¡¯d raised the guns, before she could get a shot off. And once it was clear she couldn¡¯t shoot, he tried for the door to call for Pretty Dynamo. The clear thought evaporated as she continued to lash and reel under him. She panted hard and whimpered faintly as she tried to break his grip. Dang, this actually feels kinda good¡ª ¡°Let me go!¡± she gasped. ¡°Please! Please, please, please! Oh, Princess, please¡ª!¡± He released her right wrist and clapped his hand over her mouth instead. ¡°You tried to kill me!¡± he hissed. Her eyes widened further until he thought they¡¯d leap from her skull. She hyperventilated into his palm, wetting it with her breath. Sweat poured from her forehead in a steady stream. Still she writhed, and it was all he could do to hold her down. Holy Princess, this chick is totally freaking out. With a bang, the door burst open, and the girl instantly froze. In the doorway stood Dana in a baggy, frumpy set of blue flannel pajamas decorated with lightning bolts. Her ratty hair hovered around her face like a frizzy halo, and she still had Jake¡¯s floppy Triceratops toy tucked under one arm. ¡°Rrrr!¡± she snarled. ¡°Why is it so loud in here? Can¡¯t you do that disgusting stuff quietly¡ª?¡± She paused, mouth open, when her eyes took in the scene. The girl under Jake lay still, and her lithe body slumped down into the bed. She and Jake both stared at Dana, and Dana stared back. Jake felt the girl¡¯s sweat-slicked stomach rise and fall beneath him, briefly sticking to his undershirt. She panted hard into his hand, but she had stopped panicking. Somewhere in the distance, up the lonely street, a dog howled at the moon. Downstairs, a wall clock pounded out its steady, rhythmic clash with that peculiar loudness clocks have at night. In the dark doorway, Dana was little more than a silhouette, a paper cutout in the window of a doll¡¯s house. But a sliver of moonlight slipped from behind the blinds and highlighted her half-lidded eyes, which shone like two fires burning copper salts. Her jutting lower lip was blood red. The silence, punctuated by the banging clock, the heavy breathing, and the agitated canine stretched on for an eternity. No one moved. Oh, Dana, Jake thought, I know exactly what you¡¯re¡ª ¡°Figures,¡± Dana finally muttered. She turned around, closed the door, and left. If she doesn¡¯t get back in here as Pretty Dynamo, I¡¯m gonna be pissed. Distracted, he relaxed his grip. The girl scrambled out from under him and shot back into her corner beside the door, where she curled into the fetal position and hid her face behind her hands. Shuddering, she mumbled, ¡°Oh, please, please don¡¯t come any closer. Stay away, stay away. Don¡¯t hurt me. Don¡¯t touch me. Please, please, please. Oh, Princess, I don¡¯t wanna get pregnant¡ª¡± Jake sat up and rubbed his eyes. ¡°Who are you, and how did you get Sukeban Tsubasa¡¯s power suit?¡± She stopped mumbling. She lowered her hands to reveal her tear-stained face. ¡°I am Sukeban Tsubasa.¡± ¡°No you¡¯re not! You don¡¯t sound anything like her! And she¡¯s got no reason to attack me in my room!¡± Putting her hands on the wall to steady herself and keeping her back pressed into the corner, she climbed to her feet. She closed her eyes and, in a soft, pink glow, floated into the air. The power suit evaporated, leaving her bare. Slowly, she rotated, and Jake¡¯s jaw dropped. His heart redoubled its hard pounding, and in his throat formed a lump so big he was afraid he¡¯d choke on it. She had a superb figure, like a statuette, slim and finely sculpted with long, slender legs and a supple waist set with firm muscle. And he saw all of it. A strange, buzzing warmth spread from his head down to his feet. Of course, he¡¯d seen Dana without her clothes on, but that was different. That was Dana. This was the first time he¡¯d seen this, and it was if all the deepest secrets of the universe were revealing themselves to him. He almost doubled over as some new, unidentifiable sensation struck him like a punch to the gut. The vision lasted only a moment. She returned to the floor, and then she was in trousers, a button-up shirt, and a sweater vest. Her hair was black instead of pink. He blinked. He tilted his head. He blinked again. She had the same face, yet it was different somehow. He knew her, but he didn¡¯t know her. Her identity hung for a moment in a field of uncertainty, as if his mind was deliberately, insistently refusing to acknowledge who she was. Something gave way in his brain, as if a tight muscle in his skull suddenly released. He rubbed his temples to get rid of the feeling, and a faint headache settled behind his eyeballs. ¡°Hold on,¡± he said. ¡°You¡¯re ¡­¡± She squeezed her eyes shut and, sniffling, nodded. ¡°T.B.?¡± She nodded again. ¡°The name¡¯s Tsubasa Bando, but I¡¯ve always gone to English-language schools. Someone started calling me T.B. in first grade. It stuck.¡± ¡°Wait a minute, aren¡¯t you ¡­ hold on ¡­ you¡¯re a girl?¡± ¡°What do you mean?¡± she hissed. ¡°Of course I am! You found out¡ª¡± ¡°Found out what?¡± ¡°That I¡¯m a girl!¡± ¡°I did?¡± ¡°Yes! When you ¡­ when you ¡­¡± She slid back down the wall, curled into a ball again, and covered her face. ¡°When you ruined me for marriage!¡± she wailed, and then she burst into fresh tears.If you encounter this story on Amazon, note that it''s taken without permission from the author. Report it. He simply sat on the bed and stared at her, open-mouthed. After she¡¯d bawled for a full minute with no sign of stopping, he said, ¡°What are you talking about?¡± ¡°In the arcade!¡± she blubbered. ¡°When you ¡­ you touched my ¡­ you grabbed my ¡­¡± Her face turned bright red. She shoved her nose between her knees and continued crying. ¡°Ah!¡± He slammed his fist into his palm. ¡°That explains it! I thought your chest felt weird, but I was thinkin¡¯, I dunno, maybe you used to do a lotta pushups but then let yourself go.¡± Immediately, she stopped crying. She raised her head. ¡°You didn¡¯t know?¡± ¡°Uh¡ª¡± ¡°You didn¡¯t know? Even when you had your hand all over my ¡­ my ¡­¡± Jake cleared his throat and rolled his shoulders. ¡°Um, maybe I shouldn¡¯t admit this, but I don¡¯t really touch a lot of girls there, so¡ª¡± She lowered her head. ¡°I came here for nothing,¡± she whispered. She clenched her fists and shook. ¡°A day and a half of torment for nothing¡ª¡± ¡°Yeah, well, the good news is, you don¡¯t have to kill me, right?¡± She glared. ¡°But you know now, so I still have to kill you!¡± ¡°How about we make this our little secret instead?¡± Her eyes narrowed. She trembled and swallowed hard. ¡°You¡¯d do that?¡± ¡°If it means you not killing me, I am perfectly happy keeping the secret that you¡¯re a crossdressing sapphist.¡± ¡°I¡¯m not a¡ª!¡± She slapped a hand over her mouth, closed her eyes for a moment, and took a deep breath. Once she returned to her apparently fragile calm, she hissed, ¡°It¡¯s an act! All of it! The whole thing is an act!¡± ¡°Really?¡± ¡°Yes!¡± She rolled her eyes. ¡°Cassandra and Megumi are in on it. They¡¯re old friends I¡¯ve known since kindergarten. Everywhere I go, they spread the rumors about what a hot guy I am, and then other girls join in so they don¡¯t feel left out.¡± ¡°Really?¡± ¡°Yes!¡± ¡°They don¡¯t rent out their services, do they?¡± ¡°What?¡± ¡°Never mind. Why in the world would you do this?¡± Looking away from him, she fidgeted and mumbled something incoherent. ¡°What?¡± She mumbled again. ¡°Sorry, I still didn¡¯t¡ª¡± She squeezed her eyes shut and curled the fingers of one trembling hand. ¡°I said, I¡¯m androphobic.¡± ¡°You¡¯re afraid of spiders?¡± Slapping her forehead, she hissed, ¡°Men. I¡¯m afraid of men!¡± ¡°So you dress like what you¡¯re afraid of?¡± ¡°Yes!¡± ¡°Is that a Batman thing?¡± ¡°What? No! I do it because I can keep boys away if I¡¯ve got a crowd of girls around me all the time!¡± Jake nodded and scratched his head. ¡°So what do you do about P.E.?¡± She shrugged. ¡°Fake doctor¡¯s note. It says I have a heart condition. The girls love that. Besides, it helps with the image. I mean, I can¡¯t pose as a broad-shouldered linebacker, can I? So I play a sickly dandy they can nurse back to health instead.¡± ¡°Girls go for that?¡± ¡°You saw it yourself. Yeah, they go for it.¡± She laughed faintly. ¡°I mean, Megumi-chan and Cass are just playing around, but still.¡± He chewed the inside of his cheek. ¡°Are you really Sukeban Tsubasa?¡± She nodded. ¡°But all that talk on TV about your boyfriends, the smoking, the drinking¡ª¡± She dug her fingers into her hair. ¡°It¡¯s an act! All of it¡¯s an act! I don¡¯t do any of that stuff!¡± She wiped a wrist across her nose, and her eyes welled with tears again. ¡°I¡¯d like to. I¡¯d love to hang out with boys. I¡¯d love to be able to do this and that and maybe even the other thing with boys¡ª¡± ¡°You¡¯re way too young for the other thing.¡± ¡°¡ªbut I can¡¯t!¡± She resumed bawling. ¡°You didn¡¯t sound like Tsubasa earlier. Where was your persona?¡± ¡°I don¡¯t have one!¡± she sobbed. ¡°I don¡¯t have a persona! I¡¯m not even a real magical girl! It¡¯s just a power suit, that¡¯s all! Some aliens were buying a new one, so they handed me their old one cuz they could write it off their taxes if they gave it to a human.¡± ¡°Really?¡± She wiped her wrist across her nose and sniffed hard. ¡°Yeah, it¡¯s a charitable donation. Y¡¯know, since the forces of evil have us marked for destruction.¡± ¡°How do they prove they donated it?¡± ¡°I had to make ¡¯em a receipt. Estimating its value in Rigelian Denarii was the pits.¡± ¡°But you have a little raccoon dog following you around¡ª¡± ¡°That¡¯s the instruction manual. He¡¯s a self-aware robot. He¡¯s not a familiar, and I don¡¯t have a contract.¡± ¡°But still, your voice¡ª¡± ¡°Oh, that. I can change my voice.¡± She stopped crying, and in an instant, Sukeban Tsubasa¡¯s peculiar accent poured from her mouth: ¡°Oh man, me an¡¯ dem boys, we gonna do all kinds o¡¯ bad stuff t¡¯gedder. We gonna smoke an¡¯ drink an¡¯ swear¡ª¡± ¡°That¡¯s amazing.¡± ¡°And then there¡¯s this.¡± She dropped her eyelids, parted her moist lips, and gave him a come-hither gaze that made his heart miss a beat. ¡°My darling,¡± she said, her voice now low, oily, ¡°come with me to the verdant hillsides, and tonight we shall gaze upon the stars and drink in one another¡¯s love.¡± His heart pounded like a taiko. She had attacked him in his room, which had sent him into metabolic overdrive, and then she had taken her clothes off in front of him and wept in front of him, and now she was acting seductive. It was all he could do to keep his hormone-ravaged teenage body from running across the room, seizing her, and throwing her onto the bed again. Maybe she has a good reason to be afraid of me. He dug his fingers into the bedclothes, gulped air, and took several deep breaths until he felt calmer. Tsubasa looked calmer herself. Maybe playing her familiar roles kept her fear at bay. She straightened her legs out, sat against the wall, and folded her hands in her lap. She took a deep, shuddering breath. Jake¡¯s desires changed shape as his heartbeat slowed. He wanted to put his arms around her, pat her back, and let her cry on his shoulder. Of course, he knew that if he tried it, she¡¯d flip out again. It really wasn¡¯t fair, a girl crying in front of a guy who wasn¡¯t allowed to hold her. ¡°Feeling better?¡± he asked. ¡°A little,¡± she whispered. She gave him a small, soggy smile. ¡°I think I¡¯ve cried myself out.¡± ¡°You still scared of me?¡± ¡°Terrified.¡± She looked away. With one fine-boned hand, she toyed absently with a door hinge. ¡°But I think I¡¯ll be okay as long as you stay over there. ¡°Twenty feet. That¡¯s what I can usually handle, and I can get a little closer if I have something, or some girls, in between. It used to be worse.¡± Jake cleared his throat. ¡°You¡¯re pretty good. The voice thing, I mean. I was in one play in middle school. It was a big production and the theater club had to do some recruiting to fill out the cast. Some of the guys in the club could do voices, but I think you¡¯re better than any of them.¡± She twisted her mouth and, looking glum, said, ¡°Thanks.¡± ¡°You do theater?¡± She shook her head. ¡°I can¡¯t.¡± ¡°Have you tried¡ª?¡± ¡°Too many boys.¡± ¡°Oh. Yeah. I guess so.¡± He cleared his throat again. ¡°If you¡¯re scared of me, why did you attack me? And how¡¯d you find me?¡± ¡°Your girlfriend called you Jake Blatowski, and I figured you must live in Juban. You were easy to find after that.¡± She sniffled and rubbed a hand over her nose. ¡°I know it was dumb, but I didn¡¯t know what else to do, and I was so scared you¡¯d tell everybody. I thought if I came here, at least I¡¯d feel brave or something for trying it¡ª¡± She pulled up her knees again and rested her forehead on them. ¡°I wasn¡¯t thinking. Not clearly. I was just ¡­ I was just scared. That¡¯s all.¡± Several seconds passed. Even with the door closed, Jake could hear the clock downstairs rolling out its steady, mechanical beat. ¡°I¡¯m so tired of being scared,¡± she whispered. He rubbed the back of his neck. ¡°Well, I guess there are some jerks out there, but still, most of the guys you know are probably okay¡ª¡± ¡°I know that, Jake. Explaining it doesn¡¯t help.¡± ¡°What exactly are you afraid of?¡± ¡°I don¡¯t know. Getting raped, I guess. When you grabbed me a minute ago, I really thought ¡­ I thought, this is it, this is everything I¡¯m afraid of, it¡¯s actually happening¡ª¡± ¡°You attacked me first. I thought you were gonna shoot me.¡± ¡°I know. I¡¯m sorry. I wanted to feel brave, but it was just stupid. I wasn¡¯t thinking.¡± She rubbed a hand across her hair. ¡°I don¡¯t think I could¡¯ve gone through with it even if the suit had worked.¡± She peeked at him over her knees. ¡°You gonna press charges?¡± ¡°Well, it¡¯s assault, I think. Maybe attempted murder.¡± He coughed into his fist. ¡°But you¡¯re a magical girl, so I¡¯d be the one to get in trouble.¡± She dropped her forehead back to her knees. ¡°I¡¯m not a magical girl. I wish I was. I wish I had a persona like they have. Then maybe I could at least have some time when I wasn¡¯t afraid.¡± He laughed quietly. ¡°I¡¯ve talked to magical girls with personas, Tsubasa. I don¡¯t think they like them, so maybe you¡¯re lucky.¡± ¡°No.¡± She shook her head. ¡°I¡¯m just a fake. I pretend to be cool and brave, but I¡¯m scared to death inside.¡± ¡°You still fight monsters.¡± ¡°Monsters don¡¯t scare me like boys do.¡± He set his hands in his lap. ¡°I think you¡¯re a real magical girl. Who says you have to have a persona, and who says your familiar can¡¯t be an instruction manual? You¡¯ve got powers, and you protect Urbanopolis. That¡¯s what matters.¡± She smiled weakly. Sheesh, there must be something wrong with me, because all of this is really turning me on. He coughed into his fist again. ¡°You know, there are, um, ways to deal with this kind of thing¡ª¡± ¡°I know. I have gotten better. A little bit. But, I don¡¯t know, it¡¯s so much easier to dress up as T.B. and play with the girls. It¡¯s fun.¡± She stared glumly at the worn-out carpet. ¡°We go to amusement parks and restaurants and movies. Sometimes I¡¯ll take one on a date, but mostly we all go together and hang out.¡± She released a long sigh. ¡°I¡¯d like to stop. Really. I¡¯d like to wear a pretty dress and grow my hair out. And I know I¡¯m not being fair to Cass or Megumi-chan. They¡¯ve been pretending to be my girlfriends for such a long time, but I think it¡¯d be nice if they could get boyfriends instead¡ªI mean real boyfriends.¡± Her cheeks turned pink, and she played awkwardly with the door hinge again. ¡°And, um, I¡¯d kinda like to have a boyfriend, too.¡± A vision streamed across his mind. Jake could see himself with Tsubasa. Over many months, they¡¯d steadily become more comfortable with each other, more fond of each other. He¡¯d help her gradually overcome her phobia, and they¡¯d grow closer, both physically and emotionally. In time, she¡¯d be able to tolerate letting him stand within five feet of her, then two, then one. Then would come the day when, trembling like a leaf, she¡¯d fall into his arms and he¡¯d clasp her tightly, whispering sweet reassurances into her ear¡ª ¡°I know you don¡¯t owe me anything,¡± she whispered with a sniffle. ¡°But, um, I need help. I need to practice getting closer to boys. But I don¡¯t really know any boys¡ª¡± His heart skipped again. Oh my Princess, it¡¯s happening. That stupid fantasy I just had is actually happening. He could feel blood pulsing through his temples. He shifted uncomfortably on the bed. ¡°¡ªand the truth is,¡± Tsubasa continued as she shyly lowered her eyes and flipped a lock of hair over one finger, ¡°I am a little more comfortable with you than I am with most guys¡ª Jake thought his heart would burst out of his ribs. His mouth was suddenly bone dry. Princess in a sailor suit, it is really, actually, totally happening! ¡°¡ªbecause, I mean,¡± she said, her voice slipping back into T.B.¡¯s alluring huskiness, ¡°it¡¯s obvious that you¡¯re ¡­ well, you know.¡± ¡°Hey!¡± She bunched her fists together. ¡°And there¡¯s a guy I really, really like!¡± Her lip trembled, and her voice wavered. ¡°If I can¡¯t get over this ¡­ if I can¡¯t stop being afraid all the time ¡­ I wanna stop being afraid of boys, at least enough so I can tell him how I feel. Even if he doesn¡¯t like me back, I just wanna tell him. That¡¯s all.¡± She lowered her hands back into her lap, and a few tears fell on them. ¡°I¡¯m gonna be an old maid,¡± she mumbled. ¡°I know that already. But I wanna be able to tell him anyway.¡± Jake¡¯s heart slowed, and his shoulders sagged. It¡¯s not happening. ¡°Do I know him?¡± he asked. She squeezed her eyes shut and nodded. ¡°Really? Who?¡± Putting her fists against her cheeks, she pressed her forehead to her knees again. ¡°It¡¯s ¡­ Ralph.¡± His name came out as a squeak. Jake stared at her for half a minute. Again, the clock downstairs seemed impossibly loud. ¡°Really?¡± She nodded. ¡°Why?¡± ¡°Oh, I don¡¯t know.¡± She slapped a hand against the wall. ¡°He¡¯s nice, and he¡¯s funny, and he¡¯s cute, and ¡­ and he looks like maybe I could fight him off if I had to.¡± Is that what girls want in a guy? ¡°Ralph might not look like much, Tsubasa, but he¡¯s got a mean fastball, and he bench-presses more than I do. I don¡¯t think you could fight him off without your power suit.¡± She quailed. ¡°But you wouldn¡¯t have to! He¡¯s a great guy! He¡¯s got a lot of sisters, so he knows how to treat girls. He¡¯d be a perfect gentleman. And he really likes magical girls, too, so if he knew you were Sukeban Tsubasa, he¡¯d probably be crazy about you.¡± She shook her head. ¡°He hates me.¡± ¡°He might not like T.B. very much, but he thinks T.B. is a guy.¡± ¡°What difference does that make?¡± ¡°A lot. Trust me. First off, he¡¯s jealous. But second, he thinks T.B. is a weakling. Guys don¡¯t like other guys who are weak, but they like their girls that way.¡± Her eyebrows came together. ¡°Why?¡± ¡°Dunno. It¡¯s just how we are. Like, you said the girls want to nurse you back to health, right? Guys have something like that, too.¡± ¡°Are you like that?¡± ¡°Um ¡­¡± He¡¯d just been fantasizing about helping her get over her phobia, so he apparently was. And for the briefest moment, his mind turned to Dana¡ªthe way he always wanted to pick her up, clean her off, bandage her up, feed her¡ª He rapped his knuckles against his head. ¡°Yeah, I guess I¡¯m kinda like that.¡± ¡°Is Ralph like that?¡± He shrugged. ¡°Dunno. But he¡¯s a guy, too, so he must be.¡± Her voice became very quiet, and she interlaced her fingers. ¡°Do you think he¡¯d like me?¡± He smiled at her. ¡°I think, Tsubasa, if Ralph met the real you, he¡¯d like you a lot.¡± A cold tingle ran the length of his spine. Am I speaking for Ralph ¡­ or myself? Interlude: Glossary of Jake and the Dynamo ALTER EGO: A magical girl in her non-magical state. While prolonged magical activity has certain effects on the alter ego (analogous to intense physical exercise), she cannot use her magical powers unless she transforms (see TRANSFORMATION). ANSIBLE: Technomantic device for instantaneous communication employing quantum entanglement. ASCENSION: The transference of the MOON PRINCESS from Earth to Earth¡¯s moon. Occurred approximately two hundred years ago. AUTO-TURRET: Computer-controlled anti-personnel or anti-tank weapon, typically situated at a street corner. Designed to harry invaders of URBANOPOLIS. BOSS: Informal term for the individual responsible for coordinating MAGICAL GIRL activity in the city. Appointed by the Mayor, the boss¡¯s identity is top secret. CATCH PHRASE: A MAGICAL GIRL¡¯S introductory speech encapsulating the nature of her MAGIC and her motivations. Love, friendship, and justice feature prominently. Most magical girls recite their catch phrases during TRANSFORMATION and sometimes before fighting a MONSTER in order to give themselves a sportsmanlike tactical disadvantage. CITY FATHERS: The civilian, secular government of URBANOPOLIS. Consists of the elected City Council and Mayor, and the Mayor¡¯s appointed officials. To offset the considerable power of the TEMPLE, the MOON PRINCESS decreed at the city¡¯s founding that women would be ineligible for public office. CONTRACT: Binding and irrevocable agreement between a MAGICAL GIRL and a FAMILIAR, written in blood. Because only children can serve as magical girls, the contract, being a legal agreement, terminates on the girl¡¯s eighteenth birthday when she reaches her legal majority. CRYSTAL: A magical jewel of unknown purpose hidden in URBANOPOLIS and monitored by the TEMPLE. Five in number. DISTRICT: Area of URBANOPOLIS dedicated to a discrete cultural enclave and electing its own Councilmen. Districts vary considerably in size. Although the CITY FATHERS attempt to maintain some integrity of the districts, movement between them is unrestricted. DOWN UNDER: The subterranean agricultural-industrial complex responsible for producing the bulk of the food and manufactured goods of URBANOPOLIS. Partly government-controlled and partly licensed to private firms. Young men typically perform two years of public service Down Under after graduating high school, unless they instead join the MILITARY. ELDRITCH ABOMINATION: An entity formed spontaneously from PRIME MATTER outside the universe, an eldritch abomination is an especially powerful form of MONSTER. Typically multidimensional. ENERGY: The ability of a MAGICAL GIRL to function and perform MAGIC. EVIL SPACE ALIENS¡¯ UNION (ESAU): A consortium of races in the Local Group that have bowed the knee to Lord SHADOW. Enemy of the INTER-STELLAR SOCIETY OF AMIABLE DO-GOODERS (ISAD). EXORCIST: Any MAGICAL GIRL capable of dispelling evil spirits. Typically a power of magical girls whose MAGIC is spiritual rather than technomantic. FAMILIAR: A nonhuman companion of a MAGICAL GIRL. Often the source of her MAGIC, a typical familiar forms a CONTRACT. FINAL BOSS: The nemesis of an individual MAGICAL GIRL. FORM: A MAGICAL GIRL in her magical state, usually including distinct clothing, physical attributes, and personality (see PERSONA). As opposed to ALTER EGO. A magical girl can only use her MAGIC while in her form. GROUND-BOUNDER: A MAGICAL GIRL incapable of self-sustained flight. HIGH PRIESTESS: Ruler of the TEMPLE and official leader of the MAGICAL GIRLS, though she typically delegates that authority to the BOSS and to Magical Girl Grease Pencil Marionette. INTERSTELLAR SOCIETY OF AMIABLE DO-GOODERS (ISAD): An alliance of races within the Local Group that oppose the SHADOW. ITEM: Any object associated with and commonly employed by a MAGICAL GIRL to perform MAGIC. The most common item is a WAND.Reading on Amazon or a pirate site? This novel is from Royal Road. Support the author by reading it there. JUICE BOX: A small box constructed from paper, polyethylene, and aluminum foil. Contains juice. The most effective means of replenishing the ENERGY of a MAGICAL GIRL. KEEPER: Member of any ancient race inhabiting a globular cluster of the Milky Way. LEY LINE: Magical channel running through the Earth¡¯s crust. The MOON PRINCESS selected the location of URBANOPOLIS based on the intersection of several ley lines. MAGIC: Any system of rules by which the universe operates. The total number of magical systems is unknown. MAGICAL GIRL: Human female possessed of magical powers. Always under the age of eighteen. Typically has a CONTRACT with a FAMILIAR. Automatically a priestess of the TEMPLE. MECHA: Sometimes known in its most compact form as a ¡°power suit,¡± a mecha is a typically bipedal machine enclosing its operator and enabling him to deploy MAGIC. Human scientists have not successfully created mecha, but extraterrestrial examples are known. MILITARY: The non-magical fighting force of URBANOPOLIS. Because most enemies of man are immune to human weapons, the military¡¯s primary purpose is crowd control. Due to concerns about the declining human population, the military bars women from service and does not conscript except during severe crises. MONSTER: General term for a nonhuman enemy of the human race. More specifically, an enemy immune to conventional, non-magical weapons. MOON BASE: Formerly the underground secret headquarters of the MOON PRINCESS, still used for coordinating MAGICAL GIRL activity. MOON KINGDOM: Informal name for the crystaline structures in the Sea of Serenity on the surface of the moon, visible from Earth. MOON PRINCESS: The original MAGICAL GIRL. Human identity unknown. Since the ASCENSION, she has resided on Earth¡¯s moon. NEW TOKYO: A new city that the citizens of URBANOPOLIS believe the MOON PRINCESS will lower from the moon after the defeat of the last MONSTER. PERSONA: The personality of a magical girl¡¯s FORM, often distinct from that of her ALTER EGO. Exact relationship between the two personalities is uncertain. POWER-UP: The attainment of new magical powers by a MAGICAL GIRL. May involve new ITEMS. PRIME MATTER: An exotic particle with a macroscopic quantum wave function. Conforms to the desire of an observer when observed. The universe may have begun as prime matter, but the identity of its original observer is unknown. Although an infinite ocean of prime matter exists outside the universe, prime matter is extremely rare inside. REPORTER: A human responsible for reporting the news. Typically obsessed with speculation about the romantic relationships of MAGICAL GIRLS. Useful for distracting MONSTERS during an attack. SEA OF GLASS: Dark matter. Properties unknown. SENTINEL: Computer system for tracking threats to URBANOPOLIS. Formerly operated by the TEAM of the MOON PRINCESS, Sentinel is now under the control of the BOSS. SHADOW: Often referred to as Lord Shadow, a malevolent force to which two-thirds of the sapient races in the universe have pledged allegiance. Intends the destruction of the cosmos. No other details available. SHELTER: Underground protective structure for civilian noncombatants during an attack. Heavily shielded and warded with magical SYMBOLS. SIDEKICK: Any non-magical human companion who accompanies a MAGICAL GIRL during combat. Tends to get kidnapped. Usually annoying. SPELL: A discrete deployment of magical power. The spell of a MAGICAL GIRL is sometimes known as a ¡°called attack.¡± SYMBOL: Any pattern or design with magical power. Used to cast SPELLS or manipulate MONSTERS. TEAM: Any group of MAGICAL GIRLS who agree to work together to fight MONSTERS. Most teams break up due to an inability to agree on a catch phrase or sometimes because of fights over boys. TECHNOMANCY: The most common form of MAGIC amongst sapient species of the Local Group (including the Milky Way). Involves manipulation of machines based on structured physical laws. Technomancy has several subsets based on different law sets (i.e., the Electrical Universe of Magical Girl Pretty Dynamo or the M-Theory of Sukeban Tsubasa). TEMPLE: Residence of the HIGH PRIESTESS and center of the MOON PRINCESS cultus. Contains the WEAPON, oversees the CRYSTALS, and coordinates between the MAGICAL GIRLS. The Temple also serves as the magical girls¡¯ training ground. Men are barred from Temple service and from its innermost sanctuary. Some tension persists between the Temple and the CITY FATHERS. THREAT COMPETENCY: A number assigned to a MAGICAL GIRL corresponding to the highest THREAT LEVEL of the monsters she has defeated in combat. THREAT LEVEL: A complex algorithm that reduces a MONSTER¡¯S destructive ability to a number between one and ten. Assigned by the Threat Assessment Board, threat levels are theoretically used by the BOSS to deploy MAGICAL GIRLS, though in practice, deployment is more typically based on availability and proximity. Critics argue for a more robust system of classification and claim that threat level has lost its usefulness. Nonetheless, REPORTERS continue reporting monsters¡¯ threat levels, and magical girls continue competing for THREAT COMPETENCY. TRANSFORMATION: The process of changing from an ALTER EGO to a FORM. Typically involves destruction and reconstruction of the body on an atomic level. URBANOPOLIS: City founded by the MOON PRINCESS. Last surviving human habitation. WAND: A device used by a MAGICAL GIRL to cast MAGIC. WEAPON: A device capable of temporarily ripping the fabric of spacetime, manufactured from an extraterrestrial machine the MAGICAL GIRLS serving the MOON PRINCESS recovered from the Caucasus. Used in extremis to destroy MONSTERS by opening a gateway to hell. Announcement: Novel My apologies for the sluggishness of updates. I am currently working on getting the first story arc ofJake and the Dynamo collected into a novel. The novel is slated, at present, to feature brand new, never-before-seen interior illustrations, a bonus chapter, a bonus short story, and professional editing and revision. I''ll try to avoid cluttering this sitewith fake chapters like this one in the future, but I''ll let you know when the book becomes available.Love this story? Find the genuine version on the author''s preferred platform and support their work! My writing time''s been taken with getting the gears turning to bring J&tD to publication, so I am admittedly behind in the current story arc (which is now in what will later be volume 2). Thank you for your patience, support, and encouragement. Chapter 26: The Morning After After changing back into her magical form, Tsubasa left by the window. Jake had to press himself into the corner at the foot of his bed so she could¡ªwith her eyes squeezed shut¡ªdash past him and leap to what she considered safety. Soon after she was gone, he closed the window, finished undressing, climbed into his pajamas, and lay down. After all the commotion, the room seemed strangely quiet. His heart thudded in his ears, the only sound. He tossed back and forth for several minutes, but no position felt comfortable. He had been having trouble sleeping for the last few months. Over the previous week, whenever he had slept, he had slept soundly from sheer exhaustion, but now that he had spent a weekend without anything trying to kill him, his insomnia was back. The bed with its disarrayed and rumpled bedclothes felt desolate and empty. Thanks to Dana, he didn¡¯t even have his Triceratops toy¡ªnot that he actually slept with the thing anyway; he just set it on his pillow on the rare occasions when he made the bed. Most of the time, it was buried somewhere under the covers or squeezed between the mattress and the wall. He rolled over onto his stomach. In an ill-defined way, he had an inkling of why he couldn¡¯t sleep. Now that he had come firmly and irrevocably into his adolescent years, going to bed alone at night had grown into a crushing, almost intolerable burden. It was worse now because he had tackled a girl in this very bed only a half hour earlier, an event that had provoked a bizarre mixture of fear and desire, leaving his nerves frazzled. He could still smell Tsubasa in his bedclothes: she smelled like roses and sweat¡ªheady, salty, and exciting. The scent made his stomach ache. Girls. He had learned more about girls in the last week than in all his years previous. He hadn¡¯t known before how much one could differ from another when in his arms. His mind wandered to Rifle Maiden, who wasn¡¯t really his type, but would probably be fun to hang out with. Then his mind wandered to Marionette, who was well-muscled and boyish, with an embrace that could leave bruises. Then it wandered back to Tsubasa, who was well-muscled but not boyish, at least when she wasn¡¯t pretending to be a boy. He liked her eyes. He liked the way her shoulders looked. He wondered how she kissed. And then it wandered to Miss Percy, a full-grown woman, who was soft and warm, and who melted into him so easily. Between the four of them, she might be the best for assuaging late-night loneliness. He pulled his pillow over his head and drove his nose down into the mattress. Here he was, unable to sleep, and he was fantasizing about his teacher. Only after all of that did his mind turn to Chelsea. Back in elementary school¡ªthe first time he was in elementary school¡ªhe had often seen Chelsea when he went over to Ralph¡¯s house to play. She had looked so strange to him, with her pale skin and pale hair and ice-blue eyes, like a ghost. She usually ran around with Clarissa and Jamie. Sometimes, when Jake and Ralph played video games, Chelsea stood in the doorway of Ralph¡¯s room and stared, her mouth set in a pout and her cold eyes fixed on Jake¡¯s head. He couldn¡¯t remember if he even so much as spoke to her before fifth grade. She was getting a growth spurt, but he hadn¡¯t had his yet, so she towered over him. Previously, they had been about the same size, but for just one year, she was enormous. In a sandbox at the park, she walked up to him and pushed him down. He got up and pushed her back. He wrestled her to the ground and rubbed sand in her pale yellow hair, thinking it would make her cry. It didn¡¯t. By the time he was in sixth grade, she no longer towered. Now she looked tiny and skinny. And instead of standing in the doorway to pout and glare, she marched right in, snatched up a controller, and dominated both Jake and Ralph on any fighting game they played. She wasn¡¯t quiet anymore, either. She threw insults, and she already swore like a sailor. A few days after he started eighth grade, she walked up to him in the hall and ordered him to meet her behind the gym after school. He thought she wanted to fight, but instead she told him, matter-of-factly without any stammering or blushing, that she liked him and wanted him to be her boyfriend. After that, they stood there and held hands, awkwardly, not looking at each other. He was thirteen at the time, and she was twelve. Her hand didn¡¯t feel any different from other hands he¡¯d held, but it made him break out in a sweat and made his heart pound like crazy. So he figured that must be love. He liked hanging out with her. He really did. He liked trading barbs with her, and he liked playing video games with her. He wished that she¡¯d let him kiss her. But even so, she wasn¡¯t the first girl to come to his mind when it was late and he was lonely. He sighed deeply and wondered what Dana was doing. He had expected her to transform into Pretty Dynamo and barge back in. He had little doubt that she¡¯d got the wrong idea, but still, surely she had recognized Sukeban Tsubasa. Surely she¡¯d realized something was wrong. He thought about walking down the hall, knocking on her door, and explaining what had just happened. Of course, he¡¯d have to leave out certain details: it wouldn¡¯t be right to reveal Tsubasa¡¯s secret identity, or to reveal that T.B. was a girl. But he didn¡¯t want to see her anyway. Just as on Friday night, after his passionate encounter with Marionette, he didn¡¯t want to see Dana. Instead, he simply tossed and turned, unable to sleep.
After half an hour, Jake was on his back, staring at the ceiling. The glow-in-the-dark star stickers had long since lost their glow. The ceiling was a flat stretch of dark gray. He thought he caught a glimmer of blue out of the corner of one eye, so he turned his head. Nothing. Perhaps the moonlight had peeked for a moment through the blinds. He turned his eyes back to the ceiling, and that flash of blue appeared again. He frowned. From the far end of the room, by the door where Tsubasa had been crouching, came the faint sound of a girl softly weeping. As he had when as a small child he heard some unfamiliar noise at night, he froze. A film of sweat appeared across his forehead and shoulders. The weeping continued. After a minute, he slowly sat up. If he squinted hard, he could almost see a faint hint of pale blue light in the corner¡ªor it was his imagination. ¡°T.B.?¡± he said. ¡°Is that you? Why are you¡ª?¡± The weeping stopped. Faintly, as if from far away, a girl¡¯s voice sobbed, ¡°It wasn¡¯t supposed to be like this.¡± As soon as she had spoken, the blue glow in the corner evaporated, again leaving the room dark. It was silent. He sat in bed for several minutes, listening to his heartbeat pounding in his ears, listening to the hall clock pounding away downstairs. Uh oh.
Sometime during the night, he finally fell asleep. When his alarm rang, he climbed wearily out of bed, took his shower, and went through his beloved shaving ritual. While he scraped his razor over his upper lip, he stared in the mirror at the dark circles hanging under his eyes. After he dressed, moved by a faint sense of an unease and a foreboding he couldn¡¯t quite fathom, Jake slipped into his parents¡¯ room, found the jar of spare cash on their dresser, and shook a few credits out into his hand. He slid downstairs and plopped onto his favorite stool at the breakfast bar. As usual, his mom was already frying up breakfast, and his dad was already drinking coffee. It was unusually quiet, however, as the TV was off. Hungry for news, his father reread last night¡¯s paper instead. ¡°Morning, Mom. Morning, Dad. Hey, Mom, if you¡¯re cooking for Dana, can you do her eggs scrambled? She doesn¡¯t like runny yolks.¡± She smiled. ¡°Sure, I can do scrambled.¡± ¡°And can you ¡­ uh ¡­ give her extra? I don¡¯t think she eats enough.¡± She laughed. ¡°Why?¡± ¡°I just don¡¯t, that¡¯s all¡ª¡± On the couch, his father chuckled. ¡°Is she a magical girl? I hear some of them need a lot of calories.¡± Jake squirmed on his stool. ¡°No, she¡¯s just a growing girl, that¡¯s all. And she looks really skinny¡ª¡± His mother shook her head. ¡°I suppose I can, but you better eat it if she doesn¡¯t.¡± She looked up from the stove and frowned. ¡°Oh, Jake, are you going to school in those clothes?¡± ¡°They¡¯re all I got.¡± She sighed. ¡°I suppose we¡¯ll need to purchase another uniform. Can I just get the same size? You don¡¯t need to try it on again, do you? Or have you grown out of it already?¡± ¡°No, just get the same.¡± ¡°If you¡¯re going to run around with¡±¡ªshe dropped her voice¡ª¡°you know who, try to do it in some old, ratty clothes or something. I can¡¯t replace your school uniform every week. And how many jackets did you go through?¡±Help support creative writers by finding and reading their stories on the original site. ¡°Just the one.¡± She sighed again. ¡°Y¡¯know, Mom, if you¡¯re really bent on the Volts living here, sooner or later they¡¯re gonna find out I¡¯ve fought some monsters with Pretty Dynamo.¡± Saying them so bluntly, the words sounded bizarre. For some reason, his forehead dampened. Did I really fight monsters ¡­? Yeah, I guess I did. His father slapped the newspaper down on the coffee table. ¡°And what¡¯s this business about Pretty Dynamo and her husband? That can¡¯t possibly be¡ª¡± ¡°Cosmy,¡± Jake¡¯s mother hissed, ¡°we talked about this already! Mildred¡¯s obviously mistaken, but still, the Volts have been through something terrible and we have to be more understanding!¡± Jake¡¯s father pressed his lips together and folded his arms. ¡°Love and friendship,¡± he muttered. ¡°No personification of love and friendship is just going to go kill someone in cold blood. He was probably turning into a vampire or a zombie. I¡¯ll bet that¡¯s it. She¡¯d have to kill him if¡ª¡± ¡°Cosmy, we said we wouldn¡¯t talk about it with the Volts in the house!¡± The screen door rattled, and Jake looked over to see Ralph waving from the front porch. ¡°Come in, Ralph!¡± Jake¡¯s mother called. Ralph stepped in, dropped his coat on the floor as if he owned the place, slid off his shoes, and joined Jake at the bar. ¡°Mm, somethin¡¯ smells good, Mrs. B.¡± ¡°I¡¯ll fix you some, too, Ralph.¡± She paused in her cooking to pass him a cup of coffee. ¡°Doesn¡¯t your mom feed you?¡± Jake asked. ¡°Eight kids and both my parents work, dude. Cold cereal at my place.¡± ¡°So go eat cold cereal.¡± ¡°What, you don¡¯t like my bright, shining face in the morning?¡± ¡°Oh, don¡¯t worry about it, Ralph,¡± said Jake¡¯s mother. ¡°A good, hearty breakfast in the morning raises a student¡¯s test scores by ten points.¡± Ralph elbowed Jake. Jake¡¯s mother flipped an egg and frowned, her greasy spatula poised in the air. ¡°Or did it raise his I.Q.? Well, no matter. Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. I know that much.¡± ¡°Hey, uh, Ralph,¡± Jake said after clearing his throat, lowering his voice, and casting a wary glance at his mom, ¡°can I, erm, ask you a question about girls¡ª?¡± He saw his mother¡¯s ear prick up, but he tried to ignore it. ¡°Sure, dude,¡± Ralph answered as he leaned his cheek on his fist. ¡°I am an encyclopedia of girls. I live with the encyclopedia of girls. What do you wanna know?¡± ¡°Well¡ª¡± ¡°First, the rumor is true: they smell like fish if they don¡¯t bathe¡ª¡± ¡°Ralph, shut up. No, I wanna ask, would you, I mean you personally, ever be willing to date a girl who¡¯s ¡­ uh ¡­ afraid of you?¡± Ralph stared at him for several seconds. ¡°What?¡± ¡°I mean, let¡¯s say she really likes you, but¡ª¡± ¡°Then why would she be afraid of me?¡± ¡°Um ¡­ because you¡¯re really manly?¡± Ralph laughed and clapped him on the back. ¡°Yeah, that¡¯d be nice. No, dude, I don¡¯t scare girls.¡± ¡°What if you did?¡± ¡°Why would I?¡± Jake scratched his head. ¡°Just take it as a hypothetical. Let¡¯s say she¡¯s just the timid type, I guess¡ª¡± Ralph carefully tested his coffee with a small sip and then followed that up with a deeper pull. ¡°Doesn¡¯t sound like my type.¡± ¡°Really? You don¡¯t think that could be, I dunno ¡­ cute?¡± ¡°No. Sounds like trouble.¡± ¡°But¡ª¡± ¡°Look, Jake, remember back in fifth grade?¡ªI mean you and me in fifth grade, not now with you in¡ª¡± ¡°I know what you mean, Ralph.¡± ¡°Right. Remember we were playin¡¯ King o¡¯ the Hill, and Jamie fell down hard and started bawling? You went ballistic and ran off for a first aid kit and made a huge deal out of it like she was dying. That¡¯s you. And that¡¯s fine for you. But that¡¯s not me. I¡¯d like a girlfriend, sure, but I don¡¯t need another little sister. I got enough of those already.¡± ¡°What¡¯s your ideal, then?¡± Ralph laughed. ¡°You already know.¡± He whipped the photograph out of his inside breast pocket. ¡°My ideal is the tough and sassy Magical Girl Pretty Dynamo!¡± Oh, Ralph, if you only knew. There was clomping and rustling and creaking on the second floor, and then Dana padded downstairs, still in her pajamas with her hair frizzing about her face. Jake snatched the photo out of Ralph¡¯s hand and shoved it back into Ralph¡¯s pocket. Ralph frowned. Dana yawned and sleepily rubbed her eyes. As soon as she saw Jake and Ralph, she curled her lip in a haughty sneer. ¡°Oh,¡± she mumbled, ¡°it¡¯s Jake¡¯s pitcher.¡± She sat as far away from Jake as possible, on the other side of Ralph. ¡°Dude,¡± said Ralph as he half-turned toward Dana, ¡°what is this?¡± ¡°You met her at the arcade, Ralph.¡± ¡°Oh yeah ¡­ uh, Diane¡ª¡± ¡°Dana.¡± ¡°Uh uh. And she¡¯s here, in your house, for breakfast?¡± His eyes widened. ¡°Dude,¡± he whispered, clapping a hand on Jake¡¯s shoulder, ¡°you¡¯re living in sin.¡± He raised that same hand into the air. ¡°High five.¡± ¡°Ralph, shut up.¡± A door opened down the hall, and into the great room walked Millie Volt. Much like Dana¡¯s, her unkempt hair formed a wild and fiery halo about her youthful face. She rubbed her eyes and then, with a yawn, stretched her arms over her head. She wore nothing more than a loosely tied white housecoat that stopped at mid-thigh, and as she stretched, it fell partway open, displaying the ivory skin on the inside of one of her small but well-formed breasts. Ralph swallowed audibly. Jake¡¯s face heated up. His father leaned forward and made a faint burping noise into his coffee. Dana lowered her head and groaned under her breath, ¡°Mom ¡­¡± Ralph looked at Dana, then at Mil, and then at Dana again. ¡°There¡¯s a big one and a little one,¡± he muttered. Mil paused and raked her fingernails through the tangled mass behind her right temple. ¡°Oh my,¡± she said, ¡°we have guests. If I¡¯d known we were having cute boys over, I would have done something with my hair.¡± She flipped a length of that hair with one finger. Dana dropped her forehead to the countertop. Ralph immediately clambered out of his seat, stood at attention like a soldier, and blurted, ¡°Can I do something with your hair?¡± Jake clapped a hand to his face. Mil¡¯s smile slowly grew until it somehow showed more teeth than Jake thought the human mouth contained. She slid to her right a few steps, reminding him of some predatory beast stalking its prey on the savannah. ¡°What did you have in mind?¡± she asked, her voice now holding a decidedly sultry note. Ralph cleared his throat, and Jake thought he saw his knees wobble, but it took him no more than a second to recover. ¡°Well, I mean, I could braid it for you.¡± ¡°Could you, now?¡± ¡°Sure. I do my sisters all the time.¡± ¡°I bet he does,¡± Dana muttered. Mil slid onto the stool Ralph had just vacated. She was uncomfortably close, and Jake could feel her body heat. He thought he detected a hint of roses, perhaps her perfume. It reminded him of Tsubasa, and a lump formed in his throat. He shifted in his seat. Leaning, he peeked around Mil at Dana¡¯s crazy hair. She still had her forehead down on the countertop. As he looked, she turned her head slightly and met his gaze with one emerald eye. That eye swiftly narrowed, gleaming with pure rage. The lump in his throat grew bigger. Yeah, that¡¯s what I figured. She¡¯s ticked at me. ¡°Oh, goodness,¡± Mil said, having apparently just noticed Jake¡¯s mother at the stove, ¡°Silvia, you don¡¯t have to go to all that trouble for us. Little Dana and I usually just have a bit of rice and miso soup in the morning.¡± Dana made a faint grumbling noise. ¡°Oh, it¡¯s no trouble,¡± Jake¡¯s mother sang. ¡°I¡¯ve got a growing, athletic boy to cook for, after all!¡± ¡°Two of them,¡± Jake muttered as he rolled his eyes at Ralph. Ralph shrugged shamelessly and combed his fingers through Mil¡¯s luxurious red hair. He started separating it into plaits. In spite of himself, Jake had to admire his chutzpah. ¡°My goodness, Silvia, a full breakfast, my hair done for me, and two handsome, strapping boys. I think I could get used to this.¡± Mil leaned an elbow on the bar. ¡°Would you like some coffee?¡± Jake¡¯s mother asked. ¡°Oh, thank you. My, it¡¯s really like you have a little caf¨¦ here. You certainly are making your proposal tempting.¡± Dana raised her head, and a few frizzy strands of red fluttered in front of her face. ¡°I don¡¯t wanna live here,¡± she mumbled. ¡°Dana,¡± said Mil, ¡°be polite. What did we say about being polite?¡± ¡°Don¡¯t care. Don¡¯t wanna live with Jake.¡± ¡°Dana¡ª¡± Ralph paused in his braiding and looked at Jake. ¡°Dude?¡± Jake shrugged. ¡°You know they¡¯re rebuilding Little India, right? Mrs. Volt and Dana are thinking of moving in here so someone can have their apartment.¡± Dana growled. ¡°Ah, that¡¯s cool.¡± Ralph nodded and continued his work. ¡°And I¡¯m sure this kid must be thrilled, getting to live with the guy who runs around with Magical Girl¡ª¡± Jake spun around on his stool and kicked Ralph in the shin. Ralph hopped back a step and sucked in his breath. Jake glanced at his mother. Her face had gone pale, and she stood frozen at the stove. ¡°Ah,¡± said Mil with a sigh and a small smile. ¡°Magical girls.¡± She shook her head. ¡°Well, I suppose we do need them¡ª¡± Jake cleared his throat. ¡°I don¡¯t really run around with them. It¡¯s just, this last week, I sort of got caught up in a few things. Uh, it kinda made the news, but they blew it out of proportion. It was no big deal. Really.¡± ¡°Oh my. Did you see any of those zombies? Or the dinosaurs?¡± ¡°Well ¡­ yeah.¡± ¡°Up close?¡± ¡°I ¡­ uh ¡­ I got pretty close, yeah.¡± Mil clucked her tongue. ¡°That sounds scary. I suppose that¡¯s how you got those scrapes on your face. I just figured you played football or something.¡± She laughed, but now her laugh sounded nervous. ¡°That kaiju on Monday attacked really close to where we live. Terrible. Our building has a mole tunnel in the basement, so I was off to a shelter as soon as everything started, but I was panicking, of course. I knew Dana would be coming home from school about that time¡ª¡± ¡°Yeah,¡± Jake said. ¡°I guess it would have been about that time.¡± ¡°But I suppose you didn¡¯t see that one, since it was down the hill. You might have heard it, though.¡± ¡°I heard it, yeah.¡± Ralph stared at Jake, his mouth turned down. Then he stared at the back of Mil¡¯s head. Then he stared at Jake again. Then he shrugged and continued braiding. Mil laid an arm across Dana¡¯s shoulders. ¡°Ooh, I¡¯m just so glad my little Dana¡¯s not one of those girls! Maybe it¡¯s selfish of me, but I¡¯d be terrified.¡± ¡°I know exactly what you mean,¡± said Jake¡¯s mother as she continued with her frying. ¡°My Dana¡¯s just too sensitive for that kind of work. She could never, ever become one of those rough-and-tumble magical girls.¡± She smiled at Jake. ¡°She told me you patched her up when she fell down at the skate park.¡± Jake rubbed the back of his neck. ¡°I guess I did¡ª¡± ¡°Well, thank you. Thank you for looking out for her. She got it into her head a few years back that she wanted to learn to skate. I could never understand why. She¡¯s always falling down, and it worries me. She¡¯s delicate, you know.¡± Mil vigorously rubbed a hand between Dana¡¯s shoulder blades. ¡°Aren¡¯t you, sugar?¡± Dana nodded. ¡°So no magic for her,¡± Mil continued. ¡°I just say to my little darling, if one of those talking animals comes up to you and asks you to sign something in blood, you tell it no. Isn¡¯t that right, sweetheart? You¡¯d say no, wouldn¡¯t you?¡± With her eyes turned down to the countertop, Dana nodded again. ¡°And if you saw a fairy or a space alien, and it said it could grant you any wish if you agreed to fight monsters for it, you¡¯d say no. You¡¯d tell it no, no matter how cute it was, no matter how nice it seemed, no matter what it promised. Right, precious? You¡¯d just say no.¡± ¡°I¡¯d just say no,¡± Dana whispered. Her voice was faint, almost impossible to hear. Mil hugged her tight, rocked her back and forth, and rubbed a cheek against the top of her head. ¡°Ooh, of course you would. I know you would, because you¡¯re going to stay my sweet little baby forever.¡± She pulled Dana¡¯s hair back and kissed her forehead. Jake felt another lump in his throat. ¡°But I still don¡¯t wanna live here,¡± Dana said, crossing her arms. ¡°Oh, sweetheart,¡± said Mil. She paused to kiss Dana¡¯s cheek and then continued, ¡°I know it¡¯s hard to give up our home, but just think: we¡¯d have more room up here, and the neighborhood¡¯s nicer, and you could play with Jake¡ª¡± ¡°I don¡¯t like Jake.¡± ¡°Sweetie, stop that.¡± ¡°I mean it. I don¡¯t like him. Don¡¯t wanna talk to him. Don¡¯t wanna look at him. Don¡¯t wanna even think about him. I hate him¡ª¡± ¡°Dana, we don¡¯t say we hate people.¡± Dana squirmed out of her mother¡¯s grasp, bunched her fists, and brought them down on the counter with a loud thud. Jake¡¯s coffee cup rattled. ¡°But I do hate him! And I don¡¯t wanna live here!¡± She hunched her shoulders, scrunched up her eyebrows, and thrust out her lip in her most determined pout yet. Jake¡¯s mom slid a full and steaming plate of bacon, scrambled eggs, hash browns, and toast in front of her. Silently, lip still jutting, Dana stared down at it for almost a full minute. ¡°We should live here,¡± she finally said. Chapter 27: Monday Dana put on her uniform, complete with the safety pins in her collar, the pen in her pocket, and the untied tie. While she stood sullenly by the front door, Mil gave her several kisses and tousled her ratty hair. She endured it with a silent scowl. ¡°Oh dear, Mommy didn¡¯t get to make your lunch today,¡± Mil said, tutting. ¡°I guess you¡¯ll have to eat the school lunch ¡­ well, I suppose it¡¯s all right. It¡¯s only one day.¡± Dana grumbled. Mil bit her lip. ¡°Just ¡­ I don¡¯t know, just try not to eat anything that looks over-processed.¡± Dana made a faint growling noise. ¡°Like, no ketchup. It¡¯s full of corn syrup. And no chicken nuggets or anything. There¡¯s no part of a chicken called the ¡®nugget.¡¯¡± Dana rolled her eyes. ¡°Can I go now?¡± ¡°Of course, sweetie. Walk with Jake, okay?¡± Dana grumbled again. Jake¡¯s mother kissed his cheek and straightened his collar. Ralph stood by silently, but stood as close as he could to Mil. Once the kids were outside on the porch and had shut the door, Ralph rounded on Jake and grabbed his shoulders. ¡°Oh, man! That was amazing!¡± He held his hands before his face and turned them back and forth as if unsure they were his. ¡°I am never washing these again!¡± ¡°You wouldn¡¯t anyway.¡± Who was that?¡± ¡°What do you mean?¡± ¡°What do you think I mean? The living goddess in your house, dude! Dang, I never knew before that freckles could look that hot.¡± Jake sighed. ¡°That was Millie Volt. I already told you¡ª¡± ¡°Dude, dude, duuude.¡± Ralph punched his shoulder. ¡°You get all the smokin¡¯ babes! What it is with you, man?¡± ¡°Ralph, you¡¯re talking about Dana¡¯s mom.¡± Ralph rubbed his chin and nodded. ¡°That¡¯s right, she¡¯s a mom. Is she looking to have more kids? Cuz I would seriously love to help her with that.¡± ¡°Would you shut up?¡± Jake waved a hand toward Dana, who, with her satchel slung over her shoulder, was watching them with a silent glower. ¡°You suck,¡± Dana said. ¡°Oh, hey, no offense,¡± Ralph replied as he turned toward her. ¡°It¡¯s just that your mama is one hot mama. But I¡¯m sure you get that a lot.¡± Dana ground her teeth. ¡°Ralph,¡± said Jake as he clapped a hand on Ralph¡¯s shoulder, ¡°since you¡¯re being an idiot, why don¡¯t you just go to school? Me an¡¯ Dana gotta take off.¡± ¡°Well, we¡¯re gonna be goin¡¯ the same direction for about¡ª¡± ¡°Why don¡¯t you just go a different route today?¡± The words came out more fiercely than he intended. Ralph stared at him for half a minute, and his easy grin slipped a notch. ¡°Yeah ¡­ yeah, okay. I will.¡± Shoulders slumping, Ralph turned and started up the walk. Jake watched him as he walked away. A faint breeze rustled the trees, and brown leaves pattered onto the walk under Ralph¡¯s feet. Jake twisted his mouth for a moment and finally shrugged before he turned and headed toward the grade school. Dana didn¡¯t move. ¡°C¡¯mon, twerp,¡± he called. ¡°You don¡¯t wanna be late.¡± ¡°You suck, too,¡± Dana replied. ¡°Yeah, I know. C¡¯mon.¡± ¡°I¡¯m not walking with you.¡± ¡°Yes you are.¡± ¡°Shut up. I hate you.¡± ¡°Sheesh, you just had a good meal. Can¡¯t you be even a little happy? C¡¯mon.¡± She clenched her fists by her sides, and tears formed in her eyes. Her hands shook. After a moment, she launched herself forward and marched past him. She tried to knock him aside with her shoulder, but all she did was lose her balance and stagger. She recovered and kept marching. He followed, staying a few steps behind. ¡°Stop following me!¡± she shouted. ¡°We really are going the same direction this time.¡± ¡°I hate you!¡± ¡°I know.¡± She took off running, so he ran, too, and easily kept pace. With a loud clop of Mary Janes against concrete, she stopped instantly. He overtook her by a few paces, but then stopped as well. He turned to watch her, arms crossed. Hands clenched, she stood on the sidewalk and stared down at her shoes. Her shoulders heaved up and down as she fumed. ¡°Dana, look, I know you¡¯re sore, so let me¡ª¡± ¡°Shut up!¡± ¡°C¡¯mon, Dana, I¡¯ll explain¡ª¡± Her head snapped up, and her eyes flashed. ¡°I don¡¯t need you to explain, jerk! I caught you having a special kind of sleepover with Sukeban Tsubasa!¡± ¡°Okay, first of all, neither of us was sleeping¡ª¡± She squeezed her eyes shut and shuddered. ¡°Ewwww!¡± ¡°No, wait, sorry. That came out wrong. Y¡¯know, I was really hoping you¡¯d barge back in last night to help me¡ª¡± ¡°You are such a pervert!¡± She stuck a pinky in her mouth and tore off the end of her fingernail with her teeth. ¡°You only did this cuz I¡¯m s¡¯posed to fight her, didn¡¯t you? Didn¡¯t you?¡± ¡°Dana, look¡ª¡± He reached for her, but she skittered away from him. ¡°I saw everything! You were in bed, and you had your dirty, nasty, ugly, stinky hands all over her bathing suit areas!¡± ¡°My hands aren¡¯t ugly!¡± ¡°I¡¯m gonna tell on you to your girlfriend!¡± ¡°She wouldn¡¯t believe you anyway, so¡ª¡± Fists clenched at her sides and muttering under her breath, she stomped past him. He sighed. ¡°Dana¡ª¡± ¡°I said shut up! I don¡¯t wanna talk to you! Ever! I don¡¯t want you near me! I don¡¯t want you to look at me! I don¡¯t even want you to think about me with your nasty pervert brain! I hate you! I¡¯m gonna hate you forever and ever and¡ª¡± He grabbed her shoulders and spun her around. She slapped his hands away, but he grabbed her again. Her eyes went wide and glistened with that familiar look of fear. ¡°Look,¡± he hissed, shaking her, ¡°remember when you an¡¯ me were in the closet? Miss Percy came in, an¡¯ she thought one thing was goin¡¯ on, but it was actually somethin¡¯ else, right? This was like that, okay?¡± Her eyes widened further, and her lower lip trembled. ¡°So you were raping her?¡± ¡°I didn¡¯t rape you!¡± He looked up and across the street to see Mr. Yeboah out watering his crocuses. The old, rail-thin man, slightly hunched, was frozen in place, the hose in his hands spraying a glittering arc of water. He stared with his mouth hanging open. ¡°Uh, hey, Mr. Yeboah,¡± Jake shouted. ¡°Just a couple o¡¯ crazy kids here, having a crazy conversation ¡­ and totally not a reason to call the cops.¡± Dana shoved him off and continued toward the school. He walked after. ¡°Don¡¯t follow me!¡± she screamed. ¡°I can¡¯t help it!¡± ¡°Well, then stay back! You have to stay back now, one whole block!¡± ¡°I sit next to you, you know.¡± ¡°Shut up!¡± ¡°And you¡¯re moving into my house.¡± ¡°Shut up! Shut up! Shut up!¡± She put her hands over her ears and, with her sharp elbows waving back and forth in the air, ran at top speed. ¡°Dana, stop! You¡¯re gonna¡ª!¡± She tripped over a crack in the sidewalk and sprawled face-first onto the concrete. Her satchel skidded away, burst open, and spread pencils and notebooks across a nearby lawn. Jake ran to her side and hunkered down beside her. Facedown, with her hands stretched out, she wept. ¡°C¡¯mon, Dana, let me help you¡ª¡± His fingers brushed her wrist, but she shrieked and rolled away as if he¡¯d stung her. ¡°Don¡¯t touch me!¡± She had a bloody scratch across her nose, and she held her wrist as if he¡¯d injured it. ¡°Don¡¯t ever touch me! I don¡¯t want you to touch me ever again!¡± Her tears ran faster, and her chest heaved. ¡°I hate you. I really, really hate you.¡± She shook her head and bit into her lip so hard that blood seeped out. ¡°I hate you so, so much!¡±This story originates from Royal Road. Ensure the author gets the support they deserve by reading it there. He reached toward her again, but paused when she whimpered and shrank back. She meant what she was saying. She was terrified. When he realized that, something in his stomach shriveled, leaving a hollow space behind.
She struggled to get her pencils and crumpled papers back into her satchel, and she didn¡¯t bother to close it. After they entered the school, she roughly barged into the classroom, and the satchel tipped in her hands, spilling its contents again. ¡°Ah, Dana.¡± Jake crouched beside her in the doorway to help her pick up, but she punched his shoulders and then tried to push him away. It was a weak push, but because he was balanced on his heels, it was enough to knock him onto his backside. ¡°I don¡¯t need your help!¡± she screamed. ¡°You¡¯re blocking the door.¡± ¡°No!¡± ¡°Just let me¡ª¡± ¡°No!¡± He grabbed up a handful of papers and stuffed them into her satchel whether she liked it or not. She snatched those same papers, threw them back onto the floor, climbed to her feet, and ran huffily toward her desk. He followed. She turned on him again. ¡°Stay away!¡± ¡°I can¡¯t! I sit¡ª¡± ¡°Find another desk!¡± ¡°Dana¡ª¡± Most of the other students were already in class, and they now stared, open-mouthed. Rikka, the little dark-haired girl, ground her teeth and alternately clenched and unclenched her tiny hands. ¡°Dana,¡± said Jake, ¡°you¡¯re gonna have to calm down.¡± With a loud thud, Rikka jumped onto her desk. The other kids gasped. Janice waved her hands and hissed, ¡°No, Rikka!¡± Precariously balanced and wobbling dangerously, Rikka shouted at the ceiling, ¡°I can¡¯t take it anymore! I can¡¯t just stand by and watch! Jake Blatowski!¡± As she jabbed a finger toward him, her desk rocked on its metal legs. ¡°Don¡¯t!¡± Janice whispered. ¡°For Dynamo¡¯s sake!¡± Jake was leaning over Dana, but now looked up. ¡°What? What did you say?¡± ¡°How could you?¡± Rikka shrieked. ¡°How could I what?¡± ¡°Everybody!¡± she cried, waving her arms as her desk creaked. ¡°I caught Jake cheating!¡± ¡°So did I,¡± Dana snarled under her breath. ¡°Cheating on a test?¡± the fat boy with the dark circles under his eyes said from the back of the classroom. ¡°Worse!¡± yelled Rikka. ¡°Much worse! I caught him cheating on Magical Girl Pretty Dynamo!¡± The children gasped again. Jake slapped a hand to his face. Rikka turned her accusing index finger on Dana. ¡°I was in New Beijing having a nice dinner with my family. And that¡¯s when I saw! I saw him there! He was on a date with Dana Volt!¡± All around the room, kids jumped out of their seats. Girls booed and hissed. Boys giggled. Jake rolled his eyes. ¡°Am I the only one who¡¯s seen it?¡± Rikka cried, clenching her fists and talking to the ceiling as if moaning out a heartfelt prayer. ¡°Am I the only one who¡¯s seen the way she¡¯s insinuated herself into his life, into his heart? She seduced him with her creepy red hair!¡± Now she windmilled her arms as if she were trying to fly, and the desk released a low groan, its flimsy legs bowing. ¡°She¡¯s a witch! A witch, I tell you! And not the good kind of witch that fights monsters, but the bad kind of witch that steals boyfriends from witches who fight monsters!¡± The fat boy jumped up from his seat, his belly jiggling as he pumped a fist in the air. ¡°Burn the witch!¡± Whoa. This is getting out of hand. Rikka leapt from her desk and landed flat-footed on the floor. She ran to Jake, grabbed his shirtfront, and yelled in his face. ¡°Don¡¯t you remember, Jake?¡± ¡°What?¡± ¡°Don¡¯t you remember what it was like when you and Pretty Dynamo first fell in love?¡± ¡°Look, Rikka¡ª¡± She tried to shake him, but all she did was stretch out his shirt. ¡°Remember, Jake! Remember how it was when you saw her for the first time, back when you were a bodybuilding Spanish billionaire and she was an impoverished governess with a physical disability!¡± ¡°I think you¡¯ve been reading too many romance novels¡ª¡± ¡°You have to remember, Jake!¡± She pounded her fists on his chest. ¡°Pretty Dynamo is your waifu!¡± ¡°My what?¡± ¡°Jake!¡± Miss Percy¡¯s tremulous voice came from the doorway. Everyone turned to stare at her. She stood there, hands on the doorframe, as two tears ran from behind her thick spectacles. ¡°With Dana Volt again? How could you?¡± ¡°Ah, not you, too, Miss Percy¡ª¡± ¡°Don¡¯t you remember what happened between us?¡± Again, as one, the children gasped. Jake glanced around the room and then muttered out of one side of his mouth, ¡°We agreed to forget about that¡ª¡± Miss Percy stepped into the room and put her hands to her heart. ¡°Don¡¯t you remember? How, on that rooftop, when it seemed all the world was crashing down around us, we for one brief moment gave in to forbidden desires? Our two bodies lay entwined as one in fiery passion¡ª¡± The students clapped their hands to their mouths. Jake clenched a fist and smacked it repeatedly against his forehead. Dana crossed her arms and glared green murder at him. ¡°I knew then,¡± Miss Percy whispered, ¡°that something, something intense and primal, had passed between¡ª¡± ¡°Miss Percy!¡± Jake shouted. ¡°Nothing happened! We were just trying to get away from that robot dinosaur!¡± ¡°Oh yes,¡± she whispered, turning from him. ¡°But as I lay trembling like a flower in your overwhelmingly masculine embrace¡ª¡± ¡°My what?¡± ¡°¡ªI finally, at long last, knew what it was to be held by a man, though I knew also that you were ruining me for marriage¡ª¡± ¡°Oh, for the love of¡ª¡± Dana stood up and viciously kicked over her chair. As it tumbled to the floor with a loud clang, the room quieted again. ¡°Forget all that!¡± she yelled. ¡°That¡¯s nothin¡¯! I just caught Jake in bed with Magical Girl Sukeban Tsubasa!¡± The chatter started up again, now ten times louder. In the front of the room, Janice and Rikka were in each other¡¯s arms, and Janice was sobbing. ¡°Jake¡¯s gonna die!¡± she blubbered. ¡°My mom said if you do stuff like that, you get AIDS!¡± Miss Percy sighed. ¡°Well, maybe I should make this a teachable moment. Students, I think this might be a good time to show you ¡­ the hygiene video.¡± ¡°Sweet Princess in a sailor suit!¡± Jake shouted. ¡°Anything but the hygiene video!¡± Miss Percy walked toward the front of the room, but a loud boom rocked her off her feet, and she tumbled hard to the floor. Another boom. Dust dropped from the ceiling. Janice started crying again. ¡°Shelter!¡± Miss Percy cried as she struggled to regain her feet. ¡°Everyone to the shelter! Follow the same procedures as in a monster drill, children!¡± The children weren¡¯t following procedures. They were crying, yelling, panicking. Rikka clutched Janice¡¯s hands and turned wide, dark eyes on Jake in a silent plea. A fluorescent light fixture came loose from the ceiling. It dropped into the center of the room with a deafening crash, scattering shards of sharp glass. Janice screamed as a thin gash appeared in her left cheek. Now the children ducked under their desks. Miss Percy, steadying herself on the edge of her own desk, finally dragged herself upright. Her thick glasses sat askew on her thin nose, and tears coursed down her face. ¡°No, children! Not an earthquake drill! Monster drill! To the shelter, single file, please! Please!¡± The pen in Dana¡¯s pocket buzzed. She slapped a hand to it. Jake pushed past her desk and threw open the window, which looked out toward the school¡¯s front lawn. Rows of houses and trees still full of red and orange leaves obscured much of the view, but Jake could look straight up a street for several blocks. In the distance, barely visible above the high elms and oaks, he caught a glimpse of what appeared to be a yellow fin, such as an exotic fish might have on its back, pointing into the air. It bobbed up and down as if attached to some enormous creature taking slow and heavy steps. Beyond the fin, he saw a billow of oily, black smoke. ¡°It¡¯s a kaiju attack,¡± Jake said over the shouting and crying. ¡°Must be Monday.¡±
Dana burst out of the door and into the hall. Jake was right behind. ¡°I don¡¯t need you,¡± she hissed over her shoulder. ¡°You get me anyway.¡± She growled. Miss Percy, staggering in her high-heels, stumbled into the hall after them. ¡°The shelter¡¯s the other way!¡± she cried. ¡°Children¡ª!¡± ¡°I gotta use the bathroom!¡± Dana called without looking back. ¡°There¡¯s a bathroom in the shelter!¡± Dana pushed through the door into the girls¡¯ lavatory. Jake followed, though he heard Miss Percy scream shrilly, ¡°Jake, you can¡¯t go in the girls¡¯ room!¡± Once inside, Jake noticed that the bathroom didn¡¯t look much different from the boys¡¯, except there were no urinals and the soap dispensers weren¡¯t broken. Otherwise, it was just as dingy and smelled just as bad. The rubbish bin was overflowing with crumpled paper towels. Grimy, exposed pipes jutted from the ceiling, and a rust stain stretched down one wall. Jake wondered for a moment why school buildings¡¯ interiors always featured cheap paint, fluorescent lights, and exposed pipes and wires. Maybe it was to keep students docile by making them depressed. Dana stood in the middle of the room, right in a large water stain that filled a depression in the epoxy-coated concrete floor. She had her back to him, so he was looking at her mess of tangled, flame-colored hair. ¡°Get out,¡± she said. ¡°I¡¯m guarding the door so no one comes in,¡± he answered, and he shoved one of his clogs up against the door to make sure no one could barge through it. ¡°Hurry up.¡± She grunted and put her pen to her mouth. ¡°The moon shines her light on both good and bad.¡± She listened for a moment before she said, ¡°But the sun is a harsh mistress. What have we got, boss?¡± Again, she listened for a few seconds. ¡°Yeah, I¡¯m in the area. But I¡¯m ground-bound ¡¯til the end of the week.¡± Silence for almost half a minute. ¡°I¡¯ll do what I can. Dynamo over and out.¡± She put the pen back in her pocket and stuck her hand in the air. ¡°You better not look.¡± ¡°I won¡¯t,¡± Jake replied. He dropped his eyes as she shouted, ¡°Shock my heart!¡± Flashes of electricity snapped against the sinks and made their fixtures hum. Surrounded by brilliant light, she lifted into the air. ¡°By the power of Zeus, Thor, and Raijin, release the energies within my soul! Electrifying the world with love and friendship¡ªand making evildoers feel the wattage of justice¡ªI am Magical Girl Pretty Dynamo!¡± Pretty Dynamo stood before him, fists on her hips and her defiant, lopsided grin on her face. ¡°Hey, Dynamo,¡± said Jake. ¡°Feels like I haven¡¯t seen you in a while.¡± Without a word, she strode toward him, grabbed him by the collar, dragged him to a sink, and shoved his head in it. She turned on the faucet full-blast. As the water poured through his hair and down over his face, he gasped, and then he choked. He kicked and flailed, but to no avail. Her arm was like iron. He managed to find her left knee with his right fist, but hitting her only bruised his knuckles. She shoved his face down farther. The water poured into the sink faster than it could drain, so it soon covered his mouth and nose. He swung his arms as his lungs burned. After a minute, she pulled him out, and he sputtered as he gulped air. Water from his face poured into his shirt. She shoved him under again. The metal faucet tore into his scalp. This time, she held him under for what seemed like an eternity. Eyes squeezed shut and lungs blazing in his chest, he squirmed in vain as the lip of the ceramic sink pressed up into his Adam¡¯s apple. Finally, she let go. He fell to the floor retching and gasping. Blood from his forehead trickled into his eyes. ¡°Jerk,¡± she said as she shut off the water. She turned her back on him and walked toward the door. ¡°Why, you little¡ª!¡± He launched himself from the floor and slammed his shoulder into her spine, just below her armor plate. He caught her by surprise: she flew forward, smacking her face hard into the plaster wall beside the heavy fire door. Big shards of plaster tumbled to the concrete. ¡°Big mistake,¡± she hissed. Something invisible pounded his shoulder like a brick and overwhelmed him with instant, intense pain. He dropped as his muscles seized up. ¡°You forget I¡¯m electrified?¡± she shouted as she grabbed his shirtfront, picked him up, and threw him into a wall. He hit it hard enough to knock the wind from his lungs. She held him there, fingers dug into his shirt, but he heard her metal boots slip against the slick floor. She had strength, but no leverage. He ached everywhere and could hardly breathe, but he kicked off from the wall and tackled her. She stuck one leg back and slid on the edges of her feet, keeping herself upright as he shoved her backwards. Once she hit the wall opposite, she had both the strength and the leverage. He made the mistake of trying for a right hook, which would have fractured his knuckles if he¡¯d connected. She stepped in close and raised her left hand to the back of her neck to block, and his bicep bounced off her vambrace. She put her right hand to his chin¡ªbut she didn¡¯t hit hard enough to break his neck and kill him, nor did she go for the obvious groin strike. Instead, she caught the back of his right heel with a boot and slammed him into the floor. His head cracked against the concrete, and white spots flashed in his eyes. On top of him, she rammed a metal vambrace against his throat. ¡°One twitch!¡± she snarled. ¡°One little twitch, and I¡¯ll crush your windpipe! I can kill you! You understand that? I can kill you!¡± He grabbed her arm, but couldn¡¯t budge it. Nonetheless, he found his voice and wheezed, ¡°Like you killed your father?¡± The rage disappeared from her face, and, for the briefest moment, that intense fear replaced it. She released him. ¡°Get in the shelter,¡± she muttered as she turned to the door. ¡°Get in the shelter, Jake, and get out of my life.¡± She kicked. The door burst from its hinges, falling into the hallway with a loud boom. In the hall, Miss Percy jumped back and shrieked. Clutching her heart, she took several deep breaths and said, ¡°Oh, Pretty Dynamo! Thank the Princess it¡¯s you! Did you see a little red-haired girl just now? She went in there a minute ago.¡± Dynamo stood in the doorway, mouth hanging open. ¡°Um ¡­¡± ¡°She¡¯s about your height,¡± Miss Percy explained. ¡°And has about your build. And she¡¯s pale, like you. She¡¯s always running off during monster attacks, and I haven¡¯t the slightest idea why!¡± ¡°Nope,¡± said Dynamo. ¡°Haven¡¯t seen her.¡± ¡°Oh dear. I guess I¡¯ll keep looking.¡± Jake rose from the floor and, water still dripping from his face, stood woozily behind Dynamo¡¯s shoulder. ¡°Jake,¡± Miss Percy demanded, ¡°where¡¯s Dana?¡± Jake rubbed his throat and rasped, ¡°I think she went to the shelter already. You should go, too, Miss Percy.¡± Miss Percy clucked her tongue. ¡°That girl! Honestly! What a time for a bathroom break! And she didn¡¯t even raise her hand for a hall pass!¡± A chill ran down Jake¡¯s spine when he looked over Miss Percy¡¯s shoulder. Behind her, crawling on the ceiling, were two wasps the size of large dogs, their slick abdomens striped yellow and black. Their antennae twitched as they turned their huge, compound eyes toward the bathroom door. Their thick, scissors-like mandibles split open, revealing fleshy, vaguely human mouths full of pointy white teeth that made Jake¡¯s skin crawl. ¡°Zzzzzere zzzey are!¡± one of the wasps buzzed. ¡°Pretty Dynamo and zzzzzuh Barfing Boy! Get zzzzem!¡± Jake swallowed down the lump in his throat. ¡°Mondays,¡± he muttered. ¡°Nothing good ever happens on Mondays.¡± JAKE AND THE DYNAMO has been released as a novel! I know I disappeared from here for a long while ... but I have an excuse: my novel, Jake and the Dynamo, was picked up by Superversive Press. Fully revised, it is now available on Amazon in a Kindle edition and features full-color illustrations by artist Roffles Lowell. This is the first American light novel from Superversive. The paperback edition will be available in a few days. Thank you for the support I received from this site and its users. I''m sorry I''ve been radio silent during this time.

Here''s the link.

And here''s the book trailer:Unauthorized duplication: this narrative has been taken without consent. Report sightings. The Kindle version is currently available. The paperback will come available within a few days. This book features: Read about it on the Superversive Blog, where Ben Zwycky describes the novel as a "gloriously over-the-top satire." And visit my new Amazon author''s page. Meet the Jake and the Dynamo Paperback I am really pleased and impressed by the paperback release of Jake and the Dynamo. As you can see here, Lee Madison''s cover art transferred beautifully. Getting the physical copy in my hand, I was able to appreciate some of the art I''d not been able to get a good look at before, such as the spine: I had assumed the spine would probably be unadorned, so I was pleased to see the title logo accompanied by Pretty Dynamo''s insignia and a lightning bolt. The back is also great: Stolen from its original source, this story is not meant to be on Amazon; report any sightings. The back, of course, features Madison''s re-imagining of Tesla the lightning bug as well as the blurb. But it doesn''t just look good on the outside. It''s a big book, so the text inside is correspondingly large and clear: I would also like to note that the chapter headings and section breaks, provided by my illustrator Roffles Lowell, do much to complete the book''s look as a finished and polished product: The only difference between the paperback and the eBook is that the illustrations in the paperback are in black and white. Lowell and I have already discussed some improvements for the next book, but I think the illustrations for this one have turned out well: