《Dragon Slayer》 Prologue: The Messenger Gesundheit the goblin stood outside the cottage, debating on whether or not he should actually go through with it. Well, he was the king''s royal messenger after all, and he was very experienced with negotiation and of course running away when negotiations broke down. In not dying, at least, Gesundheit was certain that he could rank as one of the best in the kingdom. Finally, he mustered up his courage and knocked on the door. "What is it?" A hoarse, raspy voice floated out of the cottage. Gesundheit thought that he could detect a hint of irritation. He gulped and said a bit timidly, "H-his Royal M-majesty-" The other side of the door interrupted him. "Speak up, pipsqueak! I can''t hear you." In thirty years of messengering, Gesundheit had never been interrupted while saying the king''s title. Gesundheit gulped again, and, mustering his courage, relayed his message. "His Royal Majesty, King of Goblins, Monarch of-" Gesundheit was interrupted again. "Get on with it! Who and what for!" Gesundheit gulped a third time. He really wasn''t getting paid enough for this. "King Gobbeck has requested that you, Sir, go to slay a dragon which is terrorizing-" "Nope." Gesundheit was cut off yet again. And yet, he was more surprised by the answer. What kind of person dared to refuse the request of a king? Sure, he was talking to that legendary existence, but there was no reason to refuse, especially since that existence had already proven himself to be capable of slaying a dragon. "Sir, might I ask why? You''ve killed a dragon before, haven''t you?" The voice on the other side sighed. "Yes," it said, "but that was luck, pure luck. A dragon is an absolute monster. I won''t be fighting one again." "Sir, the king will offer the generous compensation of-" "Compensation schmompensation," the voice rasped as it cut Gesundheit off once again. "I''m telling you plain, pipsqueak, I can''tkill a dragon. Not even mentioning that last time was just a fluke, my old bones have deteriorated. I''m just not capable anymore." "Sir, if you need it to restore your bones, I''m sure the king will give you all the milk you-"This novel''s true home is a different platform. Support the author by finding it there. "SILENCE!" Gesundheit dropped to the ground, losing all strength in his legs. Was this something like the legendary dragon-fear? As expected of a dragon slayer, he thought. Then he heard the voice muttering to itself. "Why is it always milk? I hate milk. Which idiot decided that I had to like milk? Which idiot decided that milk was good for bones in the first place? Screw milk. Screw milk, screw the king, and screw you." Here the voice rose in volume and fury, addressing Gesundheit once again. "As a matter of fact, screw the dragon, and its mother too. SCREW OFF! GET OUT OF HERE!" Gesundheit, trembling, wet himself and tried to run, but found that he could not move. Gesundheit was distinctly aware of the scent of his urine. It took several minutes before Gesundheit recovered from his paralysis and ran off. *** Inside the cottage, Sam sighed. He was not a human, not a goblin, but rather a skeleton, and an extremely old skeleton, from the looks of it. He turned his head from his game of checkers and seemed to watch the retreating form of the goblin messenger. "...That was a bit immature of me, eh, Spot?" said Sam, as his bone dog barked lightly. "Oh well." Then he turned his head and went back to his game of checkers. *** Gesundheit the goblin stood nervously outside the cottage. The last time he was here, he''d pissed himself and was chased off. He''d gotten a lot of flak for not bringing back a favorable response, and of course lost quite a bit of reputation from the whole pissing himself thing. Looking up at the tall, regal goblin next to him, Gesundheit whispered, "Your Majesty, he doesn''t seem to want to be disturbed. Maybe we should back off..." "Perish the thought!" boomed the goblin king. "Even if he doesn''t want to be disturbed, he will be! Who dares ignore a king''s polite request!" Gesundheit hesitated, then sighed and turned back to the cottage. He opened his mouth and shouted, "His Royal Majesty, King of Goblins, Monarch of the Five Forests, Master of-" "Shut up," came the growl from inside the cottage. Gesundheit was certainly shut up when he felt an wave of pressure sweep out of the cottage. He tried to speak but could not. Gesundheit turned to look nervously at His Royal Majesty Gobbeck. The goblin king had a pale face. Gobbeck looked at Gesundheit and nodded to leave. *** Gesundheit the goblin stood, knees knocking, legs trembling, every rational part of his mind telling to run away, in front of the cottage once more. Crying inside, he looked toward the king, who was heading a massive army which surrounded the cottage. ''Doesn''t the army have more important things to do than this?'' he thought. Looking at the faces of some of the commanders, Gesundheit realized that he wasn''t the only reluctant one here. But it was either do the job and maybe get killed, or don''t do the job and get killed for sure. So Gesundheit inhaled. "Hisroyalmajestyordersyoutogoslaythedragonwehaveyousurroundedrefusalisfutile!" came out all in one breath, for fear of being interrupted yet again. Gesundheit immediately ran off, not waiting for the answer. He had already delivered the message His Majesty had ordered him to deliver, and he sure as hell wasn''t gonna stick around to see what would happen. But while he was fleeing, he still clearly heard the skeleton''s answer and the king''s response: "I told you, I refuse." "Attack!" And at that moment, the sky lit up. *** Gubner, commander of the Fourth Legion, cringed as he heard the king''s command. ''You want us to attack a guy to scare him into killing a dragon?'' he thought. ''If we could do that, we should just kill the dragon ourselves!'' But complaining, especially in his head, was useless. Orders were orders. "Attack!" he ordered, and as he did, threw his spear through the air. The spear arrived at the same time as everyone else''s attack, which served to create a massive dust cloud. But when the dust cleared... The cottage was still intact. Gubner fell to the ground, praying for his life. Chapter 1: The Deal Sam was playing checkers with himself the first time the messenger came. He had politely refused the request, and sure, he had gone off on a bit of a tantrum when the kid brought up milk, but he made sure to admit his fault afterward. There was even a witness if one was needed; Spot was a very smart dog. He thought his response was very reasonable and the goblin king would stop bothering him. Sam was playing backgammon with himself the second time the messenger came. He tried listening to the message, but it seemed to be the same crap as last time, so he sent the messenger away. He thought that that would be the end of it and the goblin king would stop whining about the dragon. Sam was playing chess with himself the third time the messenger came. This time, the messenger seemed to have smartened up a little and said his message quickly. Unfortunately, the message was the same as before, no, worse. It was an order, and Sam hated orders. Because he was technically freeloading on the goblin king''s territory, he had very politely refused. However, the goblin king evidently wasn''t happy with that answer, as the next second hundreds of thousands of attacks struck his house. Some were swords, some were axes, some were magic, and some were even just goblins walking up to the house and pounding on it with their fists. But none could make a scratch, for Sam''s house was built out of the bones of that dragon he had slain so many years ago. The attacks still startled Spot into going off on a bit of a barking frenzy. Although Sam got up out of his chair and patted Spot to calm it down, he himself was rather upset. After all, he hadn''t done anything to warrant such attacks, and getting up and moving about really wasn''t good for his old bones. Plus, he was in the middle of guessing what he would do the next turn. Followed by Spot, he walked out of his house, glared with empty eyes at the crowds of horrified goblins, and snarled, "Are you done yet?" The goblins all prostrated themselves, gibbering with apologies and begging for mercy. Gobbeck, the king, stood tall, though his face was pale. The goblin king, after a moment of silence, opened his mouth and spoke, surprisingly, with not a hint of nervousness in his voice. "As expected of the great dragon slayer. Your might truly leaves Us in shock." Sam snorted. He had hardly shown any might; rather, it was the might of the cottage itself that had stopped the attacks. The king continued: "We have come here to humbly request that you slay the dragon terrorizing the Southern Mountains. Now that We have seen your-" Sam cut him off. "I told you, I won''t do it. Run off now, before I get really mad." Spot growled threateningly. The threat in his words caused Gobbeck to stumble backwards. However, the king quickly composed himself. "We will offer anything you wish for," said the king confidently. He may have been just a goblin, but he was really, really wealthy. Especially since he had made multiple deals with the dwarves to get some minerals out of the mountains. "Bah, there''s no way you can have the thing I want," scoffed Sam. "Now GET OUT."This text was taken from Royal Road. Help the author by reading the original version there. Spot gave a small, but still intimidating, bark. Gobbeck stumbled backwards, but quickly composed himself. Then he opened his mouth to speak, but... Thud. Thud. Thud. Spot barked in surprise. Hearing footsteps, the goblins turned around and saw a short, heavily bearded man stomping toward them. Of course, it wasn''t the dwarf that caught their attention, but rather the giant pack on his back. They watched the top of the sack, as tall as a tree, bob up and down until it came to a stop. Then they looked down at the dwarf. "Ahem, ahem," started the dwarf, producing a scroll from a pouch at his waist. " ''The dwarf lord Dwayne son of Dwon offers a gift of five hundred tons of slag to the worm eater-'' " he squinted- "no, wait, ''dragon slayer...'' " Then he looked up. "Bah, it''s too bright out here. Which one of ya''s called the dragon slayer?" The goblins looked at each other and, in unison, pointed at Sam, who was looking as bewildered as a skeleton physically could. "What the hell would I want with five hundred tons of slag?" he asked the dwarf, who shrugged and consulted the scroll. "Erm, let me see... ''The gift will be redeemable in milk-'' " Sam threw up his hands. "Enough with the milk!" he shouted. "I''m done here." Then he turned and began to walk back into his house. Spot looked disdainingly at the dwarf and followed. "No, wait! Mithril, mithril!" the dwarf hurriedly shouted. "Redeemable in mithril!" "Mithril?" Everyone present turned and stared greedily at the dwarf, who had never been stared greedily at by a goblin army and a skeleton at the same time and never wanted to again. "The dwarves don''t have five hundred tons of mithril," Sam said confidently. "Yeah, the treaty gets me a hundredth of a percent of all mithril the dwarves earn and yet I haven''t received more than half a pound in total," said Gobbeck, eyeing the dwarf suspiciously. Some of the more bloodthirsty goblins in the army hefted their weapons and grunted accusingly. "Yeah, what gives? I asked fer a bonus but they said they didn''t have any mithril ta give out," the dwarf muttered. "Let''s see... Ooh!" He looked at Sam. "It''s yer lucky day, Mr. Skeleton. That dragon? It''s sitting on the biggest mithril mine discovered in history." Sam looked at the dwarf skeptically. "So what if it''s the biggest in history? This is mithril we''re talking about, 500 tons will leave it mostly depleted. How strong is the dragon?" Gobbeck also spoke up. "If that mine''s in my kingdom, how did you dwarves discover it before me?" "Dwarven secret, y''know," the dwarf said in response to Gobbeck, then consulted the scroll. "As for the dragon, it''s..." he made a noise of surprise. "Well pull my ears and call me an elf, it''s a Category 5!" Spot began barking in alarm. Sam blanched, or at least he would have if his bones could change color. "Category 5? No way, that''s suicide. Mithril isn''t worth that." He turned to enter his house. "Wait!" the dwarf exclaimed, pulling the scroll so hard it split in half. "The mine has adamant! Adamant!" Most of the goblins didn''t know what adamant was, but Gobbeck certainly did, as did Sam, who whipped around so quickly that his skull popped off. "Adamant?" he demanded after putting his skull back on. "You don''t mean diamond, you mean real adamant?" "Yep, yep, certainly, certainly," responded the dwarf. "I''m sure you can negotiate fer a share with the lord," he added. "All or no deal," Sam spat. The dwarf paled. "I- I don''t have the authority-" "I don''t even need the mithril. You''ll get a mithril mine and the Category 5 dragon will be taken care of. Deal or no?" "I don''t-" It was too late. Sam had already produced some paper from somewhere, written up a contract with uncanny speed, forged the dwarf lord''s signature onto it, and showed it around, making sure the goblins all saw it. "I''m sure this deal will benefit both of us," Sam said smugly. "Thank you very much, I''ll take care of the dragon soon." "W-wait- I- You can''t-" the dwarf spluttered, but Sam had already reentered the house with Spot, humming to himself. Everyone present gaped at the cottage. The dwarf sighed and turned to Gobbeck. "Well, I ain''t lugging 500 tons of slag back home," he said, dropping the mountain on his back. "Mind if I leave it fer you?" Gobbeck nodded numbly, and the dwarf left. After a while, he shook his head and led his army back home. There was really no point in trying to intimidate a guy who would dare forge Dwayne "The Stone" Dwonson''s signature, after all.