《The Rovaldan Lancers》


 High Paladin Waltz Vonstein - Privy Problems

    High Paladin Waltz Vonstein came striding out of The Bastion¡¯s privy. He started clunking down the steps, his armor shuffling with every stride. His movements were unwieldy but his face was confident. He began shouting as he strode down the steps.


    ¡°Men! Prepare yourselves. We are the light that holds back the dark, we are the guardians of Rovaldan. For five hundred years we have held back The Dark Lord and his evil minions. We have prevented the tyranny of their rule. We shall continue to do so. We ride for the dominion of man, we ride for the future!¡±


    He had reached the bottom of the stone steps that led to the courtyard from the privy by the time he had finished his speech but instead of receiving cheers and enthusiasm from his men, a spattering of tired looking individuals wearing odd and unmatching pieces of armor, he was met with laughter.


    ¡°What? What are you laughing at?¡± Vonstein demanded of his men.


    ¡°M¡¯lord¡± A Paladin Subcommander answered between hefty breaths as he held back his laughter. ¡°Your pant¡¯s. You forgot them!¡± He finished before breaking out in a fresh wave of laughter.


    Waltz Vonstein followed the Subcommanders gaze to between his legs, where a small cocktail sausage like appendage hung limply. Immediately his face grew red from embarrassment and his gauntleted hands immediately went to cover his meager offering.You might be reading a pirated copy. Look for the official release to support the author.


    ¡°What? Haven¡¯t any of you suffered from shrinkage before?¡± He shouted, trying to bypass his humiliation with excuses. Now, this argument would probably make sense if it wasn¡¯t the warmest day experienced in a decade, with sweltering heat flowing around the sweating men who were still trying and failing to cover their laughter.


    Unable to stand there under the scrutiny of their gazes, Vonstein turned face and scurried up the steps to the privy as fast as his legs and his armor would allow him.


    This was met by a fresh round of hysterical laughter as a strand of toilet paper tucked between Vonstein¡¯s bun¡¯s fluttered due to the sudden movement and updraft created by the fleeing High paladin before ultimately falling out covered in identifiable stains of the same color and consistency of melted chocolate.


    Vonstein slammed shut the privy door, as the Grand Master of The Rovaldan Lancers entered the courtyard from a small door. The Grand Master was an awe-inspiring sight. Wrapped in imposing but beautiful crimson armor engraved with the sigil of The Rovaldan Lancers, a wolf with a mug of ale.


    ¡°Where is the High Paladin?¡± The Grand Master asked the same subcommander who had informed Vonstein of the ¡°shitty¡± situation he was in.


    ¡°Having trouble with shrinkage, m¡¯lord, and the pork pies from last night.¡± The subcommander uttered with a completely serious face.

 The Dark Lord - "Masculism"

    ¡°Muahuahahahahahahhahauahauuahh¡± The Dark Lord laughed aloud, standing atop a rocky outcrop and looking at the decaying wooden fortress that stood between him and freedom. Today would finally be the day the stupid little girl scouts that called themselves the Rovaldan Lancers would fall. Bloody idiots couldn''t even sell cookies right.


    His army stood around him, twenty-nine of The Ruined Lands ¡°finest soldiers¡±.


    In reality, they were a scruffy looking sort, thin and unhealthy. They looked like they¡¯d rather be somewhere else, like climbing over the 1-meter high wall that surrounded the ruin lands. It wasn¡¯t manned after all.


    The men had no idea why this man, who insisted he be referred to as The Dark Lord, was so set on passing through this small passageway into Rovaldan, the only part of the border which was guarded.


    The Dark Lord himself wasn¡¯t entirely happy with his ¡°army¡±. It didn¡¯t hold a candle to the great hordes he had massed in the past when the war against the Rovaldan Lancers was still fresh. Mass Immigration and his constant recruitment of fresh meat had led to the depletion of the population of The Ruined Lands, it was a serious issue and platform on which their politicians argued and debated over. Most roles were now filled by women, as their numbers dwarfed those of males. It was truly a social crisis, so bad that a small group of men had founded a movement, describing themselves as being supporters of Masculism and complaining their rights had been infringed due to there now minority status.


    The Dark Lord refused to even approach the three-member movement, and offer them a place in his grand army. Screw their complaints of the gender wage gap, none of the sods were even employed so of course the women will be paid more!If you come across this story on Amazon, it''s taken without permission from the author. Report it.


    The Dark Lord turned to face his scruffy rabble.


    ¡°Today, we make history. Today we escape the rule of those who oppress us. We shall take the freedom we are owed, we shall take fertile lands and farm them. We shall carve out a life, a future for our families. Today, we are going to what is ours!¡±


    The response The Dark Lord got surprised him. He honestly didn¡¯t expect much of a reaction from his group of homeless people he had convinced to join him, but an epic speech was necessary when going into battle. They surprised him, however, shouting and screaming.


    It was only when they started running he turned back towards The bastion, the dreaded home of his archenemies, The Rovaldan Lancers. They were riding out on donkeys, at a speed that was not significant, yet it had somehow struck fear in the hearts of these cowards who had already begun to turn tail and flee. The Lancers were still at a distance of five hundred meters away, and with their mount¡¯s would not be upon them immediately.


    The Dark Lord eyed the approaching enemy, searching for his current rival: High Paladin Waltz Vonstein. He was easy to spot, riding pantless into battle. He wondered what sort of excuse Vonstein would come up with this time. Would the washing machine be broken again, or had someone supposedly stolen his underwear. The Dark Lord didn¡¯t know but if he was asked to guess, he¡¯d say the current High Paladin was quite the exhibitionist, who enjoyed exposing the small dangling shriveled sausage between his legs.


    The Dark Lord glanced at his retreating men then back at Waltz Vonstein briefly before joining his men and fleeing back into the depths of The Ruined Lands. There was always next year after all, and in the meantime, he could probably become quite famous by appearing on talk shows and destroying Masculists and their views.

 Interview - The Dark Lord vol.1

    The following is an excerpt of an interview with The Dark Lord, published originally in the Rovaldan Herald.


    R == Reporter


    DL == Dark Lord


    R: Thank you for meeting with me and agreeing to this interview today, Mr uh Dark Lord.


    DL: No Problem, Darren, I¡¯m a huge fan of your work and the work of The Rovaldan Herald as a whole. The paper is hard to find in The Ruined Land, but when I do get my hands on one, I read cover to cover at least once. I especially enjoyed your coverage on Appleberry Leaks, some juicy stuff in there.


    R: Aha¡­.that was ten years ago¡­


    DL: Was it? Well, time flies when your fighting a war I guess!


    R: Right. The war, that¡¯s why I requested the interview, I wanted to pick your mind on your motivations. Why you fight? What do you want to achieve? Why are you invading?


    DL: Of course. Why I fight? Now that¡¯s rather simple. The stupid Rovaldan Lancers won¡¯t let me pass. The social welfare system in The Ruined Lands suck. We have to PAY stupid taxes such as road maintenance when there ARE no roads here. And I won¡¯t even begin to discuss their terrible cuisine here. I mean who eats snails uhh. All I want is to return home. That¡¯s it. Invasion you say? I just want to get an honest paying job and pay taxes. The standard of living here is truly terrible.The story has been stolen; if detected on Amazon, report the violation.


    R: Return home? What exactly do you mean by that?


    DL: I mean, I haven¡¯t been able to get home in centuries due to that stupid order. I told my son I was just leaving to get a pack of cigarettes and now it¡¯s been nearly two thousand years.


    R: Are you claiming to be a citizen of Rovaldan?


    DL: Yes! I accidentally crossed the border when they were building that stupid wall to keep the Ruined Land residents out, and they never let me back in. I still remember High Paladin Boris Brown telling me I have to pay for it¡­. Like what the hell seriously.


    R: Haha...Now, why do you go by The Dark Lord?


    DL: Ahhh well, truth be told, I didn¡¯t exactly pick it. I wanted to be called Voldewarts, as I got this nasty wart on my lower back, but the name was coined by Boris Brown. It kinda stuck, and it grew on me. My close friends call me Clive.


    R: Clive? Is that your real name?


    DL: Oh no. Hell no. Who names their kid Clive?


    R: uhh right moving on. What do you think your chances are to defeat the Rovaldan Lancers this time?


    DL: I¡¯m extremely confident. This time I have selected The Ruined Lands greatest soldiers. We are a formidable force, High Paladin Dic Maroon shall crumble before us like the coward he is, and I can finally get that pack of cigarettes.


    R: Well, thank you for your time, Dark Lord, I hope to interview you again.


    DL: Anytime Darren, enjoy the holidays.

 High Paladin Waltz Vonstein - "G.O.L.F" Episode 1

    High Paladin Waltz Vonstein was a formidable fighter. Before ascending to his current position, replacing Randy Hart who had a terrible accident involving a cow and a bull, he had attained many significant achievements. He was the longest serving High Paladin, lasting more than an entire year! He also had battled with The Dark Lord and survived more than any other person in the living history of the order, an entire two times!


    In addition, he was the last surviving member of the Rovaldan Lancers sister branch, covering the northern border. Overnight the entire order disappeared, with only a note left behind:


    ¡°You are stupid. This is stupid. Border Control sucks, and it makes no sense when the wall is only one meter high. The Rovaldan Kingdom doesn¡¯t even support us.¡±


    Waltz put the note down to propaganda, and narrated that the brothers of the order had likely been killed in a secret attack by The Dark Lord, and completely denied any possibility they fled their duty in order to something actually worthy with their lives.


    He had described the note as a ¡°fake news¡± propagated by a militant enemy seeking to cause discord within the ranks of The Rovaldan Lancers.


    He was having a lazy day today, as it was his only day off for the entire year. He had rolled out of bed late, around noon, and had gone for the yearly golfing trip with the rest of the commanders of The Rovaldan Lancers. The High Warden, Ash Burns was there, as was The High Cook, Gerard Mokes and even the Grand Master. However there was a surprise guest who he was not happy about, The Dark Lord himself had shown up to play.If you stumble upon this tale on Amazon, it''s taken without the author''s consent. Report it.


    When he questioned the Grand Master on this, he had simply been told:


    ¡°Relax, if we are to have peace, we need to understand each other. To understand each other, we have to be inside each other. G.O.L.F is the perfect way to for us to get to know each other before things heat up. Understand High Paladin Waltz Vonstein?¡±


    ¡°Get inside each other sir? And what is G.O.L.F?¡±


    ¡°Yes, penetration for peace. Hope you brought the lube. G - Girly O - Old L - Lads F- Fun.¡±


    ¡°Uhh okay si¡­¡± Waltz ducked as a small white projectile came flew directly through the space his head had occupied a while early.


    ¡°Sorry.¡± The Dark Lord said, smiling cheekily and scratching his head.


    The bastard had just launched a golf ball at his head!


    ¡°Why you little¡­¡± Waltz started walking threateningly toward The Dark Lord.


    He was intercepted by the Grand Master who simple put an arm around his shoulders and whispered in hear.


    ¡°Remember. Allow penetration¡±.


    Vonstein took a deep breath, forcing a smile on his face.


    ¡°No problem Dark Lord. Accidents do happen after all.¡± Vonstein said in a voice that was meant to be sweet but instead came out as a growl.


    ¡°Right then ladies, shall we start?¡± The Dark Lord asked his three companions from the Rovaldan Lancers, winking at Vonstein and striding towards the first hole, swinging his club in a carefree manner and humming some upbeat tune.


    ¡°Bastard¡± Vonstein muttered under his breath and began following the departing group.


    To be continued...

 High Paladin Waltz Vonstein - "G.O.L.F" Episode 2

    ¡°Hole in one!¡± The Dark Lord shouted happily, as his golf ball found his mark after a smooth and powerful swing.


    Waltz Vonstein gritted his teeth as he clapped along with the other participants of the golfing session.


    This was ridiculous, both the situation and the result. Why the hell were they playing golf with their arch-nemesis, not to mention the Grandmaster keeps referencing penetration in a way that I think he has more on his mind than the defense of Rovaldan.


    Besides, that was no longer the main issue here. How the hell was The Dark Lord so good at golf? No matter the distance of difficulty of the hole, he had managed to always get a hole in one. Even on shot¡¯s where it should be impossible to do so!


    ¡°Who''s next?¡± Vonstein asked the gathering, quite eager to take his turn. As much as he hated to admit it, he was enjoying himself even with the presence of the Dark Lord, the absolute bastard.


    ¡°The Grandmaster, I believe.¡± replied The Dark Lord, his voice smooth and silky like a hustler. ¡°I wish you the best of luck, sir, but regardless you won¡¯t be able to do worse than small pecker over there!¡±Unauthorized usage: this tale is on Amazon without the author''s consent. Report any sightings.


    Vonstein just took a deep breath and smiled, refusing to give The Dark Lord any satisfaction of showing a response.


    ¡°Certainly, I am the lesser player. But that proves that my ability and experience handling balls is lesser than yourself, my good sir.¡± Vonstein replied in a rare show of wit.


    The Dark Lord just continued smiling, he wasn¡¯t even paying attention to Vonstein anymore.


    This could only make Vonstein even angrier, but he must restrain himself and allow his pride to be penetrated.


    Vonstein was trailing the pack in terms of scores and was inwardly furious about this. He was being shown up, and it didn¡¯t help that The Dark Lord was constantly making snarky comments.


    ¡°Vonstein, I thought you were used to handling balls!¡±


    ¡°Vonstein, I¡¯m glad you wore underwear today, or you might have mistaken your club as something else.¡±


    Vonstein had almost tried to batter The Dark Lord with his club, but a stern glance from the Grand Master and a pie from the High Cook was enough to steer him away from violence.


    Vonstein munched his pie, the High Cook had made sure to keep him supplied with the food since,  as the Grand Master stepped up to take his turn, when suddenly The Dark Lord pulled out his black hammer from his pants, how he had concealed such a monstrously large item Vonstein had no idea, and swung it towards the Grandmaster¡¯s head¡­.


    To Be Continued...

 HIATUS

    ON HIATUS WHILST FOCUS ON RL STUFF AND OTHER WORKS.


    My other work which is being published can be found here: https://www.royalroad.com/fiction/22142/the-last-breath</a>


    There is two more secret project in the works also, so please look forward to it! The tentative title is: Royal Return. This work is an attempt at kingdom building with a narrative focusing on the developments within the kingdom, it is a research project of sorts for me.Unauthorized content usage: if you discover this narrative on Amazon, report the violation.


    The second project is called: Ascension Academy, which features characters delving into a dangerous tower filled with traps and enemies and attending school to train to overcome these barriers.


    See you when I see ya~