《Random Words - (A Series of Small Worlds Born from a Random Generator. Feel Free to Laugh)》 (1) - Desert Doc
"How do you feel?" "Shut up brat. This isn''t the time to be playing doctor." I was wounded. A bullet go through the iron barricade my corp set up and it just ripped through the tendon in my arm.This was in a country in which I can''t name due to classified information. But I do know we''re in the middle of a f**king desert. Geh!...No good. The pain is numbing. The blood won''t stop. In the end, I might be another KIA statistic. I hate it... just when my sis gave birth to my nephew last week. I only had to wait 6 more weeks, 6 more weeks before we get back home for mandatory R&R. Under these circumstances, I definitely don''t want this 8 year old kid touching my bleeding arm. "Seriously kid, this is a quarantine zone. You should have been evacuated!" "Stop moving. The more your make any excessive fidgeting, the blood will keep pumping out of your wounds. We need to put pressure, here, hold this." "Wh-what is this? Your lunch box?" "No. It''s my medical kit. I''m a doctor." This 8 year old? This little girl covered from head to toe in dust and filth was a doctor?... No good, I''ve lost too much blood. I must be hallucinating. "Wake up." "GAH! WH-why the f**k did you hit me!?" "If you passed out now, crossing the line of fire to reach you would have been all for nothing. I still have more patients to help on the battlefield so please cooperate." "I said don''t touch me pee-wee." The author''s tale has been misappropriated; report any instances of this story on Amazon."I said stop moving! Are you the type of person who joined the war just to die!?" I hated this. I hate this situation from the bottom of my heart. This wasn''t even my war, it was the civil war of another country. Yet my country dispatched our battalion in this wasteland. It wasn''t worth it, but the politicians sitting back home in their AC-filled offices had other ideas. Winning this impossible fight will raise their election points. @ssholes. "Wake up." "STOP HITTING MY FACE!--GAAAAH!" "There, this binding should do to keep you from bleeding out. Just in time, otherwise I would have to drag you 25 miles to the nearest Red Cross site to order a blood transfusion." This girl said she was a doctor. She wasn''t even higher than my waist. And she looked like a local yet her English was spot on. Who was she to think she could be a doctor. "Get out of here, kid. The bad guys are coming in once they''ve worn down our front lines. They''ve already targeted half our artillery crew. It''s only a matter of time before they take over this outpost. Go home." "... I don''t have a home." "What?" "This battlefield... to keep people from dying... it''s the only place in this world I can call home." "..............." I didn''t understand a word this girl was saying. But whatever she injected into me, it felt relaxing. "This will slow down your heart to keep you from bleeding. It also doubles as anesthetic as I need to do some surgery to get the bullet out of your shoulder or the gunpowder will infect the joints. At that point, I can''t help you keep your arm." "... Who are you?" "I never had a name, but the Foreign doctor who took me in called me Pippy. He said I was strong like a girl in a children''s book he once read." "Do you go by Longstocking and hold a horse above your head?" "Are you making fun of me?" At this point, my mind no longer carried about the guns shooting people outside, or reacting to the roaring of my fellow marines in combat. This was bad...I just wanted to sleep now. "Wake up." "Just stop hitting my face already. I have dignity." My mind was wearing out, my body was limping. Either the injection was working or the blood loss was too much to keep my body stable. But I had to ask this question. "Where''s this doctor that took you in?" "..............................................." The girl didn''t answer. Not because she was focused or angry. She merely pointed at a pile of rubble that was next to me. I could see a body pinned down under slabs of brick wall. He looked like a foreigner, the ID badge reading from a Danish surgeon company. Actually, he wasn''t pin. He lost his entire lower half. Mortar round, I''ve seen too many to know the telltale details. ".................. Do you want to become a doctor?" "I have no other outlet in life... This is the only thing that keeps me alive.... So... please stay with me." "................................................................ Don''t draw on my face while I''m out kid." "I''ll be honest, I''m still a child at heart. Please don''t give me such dangerous ideas." "Son of a b¡ª" I blacked out. (2) - Sasquatch Room-Mate
¡°You¡¯re an idiot¡± ¡°And you¡¯re a f**king sasquatch.¡± ¡°ON YOUR KNEES AND BEG FOR FORGIVENESS RIGHT NOW!?¡± I¡¯ll sum up. Even in the Year 32XX, Mankind were still stuck on Planet Earth. All known methods to colonize space had failed and have forced many members of the Neo NASA to either jump off cliffs or hand in their resignation. However, after the countless of inter-planetary experiments, we did discover a strange byproduct. The people we know from dark legends have appeared. I¡¯m talking about Vampire,s Werewolves, Mummies, Zombies, all of it. Even some species that have never been heard of like the Jabberwocky or the Giant Dust Bunnies. Strangely, they don¡¯t act like how mankind portrayed them in media. Vampires have fangs, but they drink tomato juice as part of their physiology. Werewolves aren¡¯t all covered in fur, they just have wolf ears and their clothing is replaced with fur (very hot wolf girls). Mummies are all girls, strangely, and they said synthetic materials make them allergic (at most they can wear swimsuits without a reaction). Zombies, don¡¯t have a brain but have some kind of cell-based neural link which is established among the horde like some kind of hive mind system. As Mankind had been in poverty after countless of wars, we didn¡¯t bother to try and eliminate them. Rather, we did the smart thing. We smooched off of their already flourishing economy that they¡¯ve been hiding under our noses. We turned this discovery into profit. So even in this Year 32XX, we¡¯re stable in finances. And we started to exploit more. For example, I have a Sasquatch Girl as my room-mate. She was wielding her slippers as if they were kitchen knives at me for some reason. ¡°I¡¯ve had enough of you human! You keep stealing my underwear and selling them through whatever back channel you have your dirty hands on! No reimbursement will satisfy my maidenly rage! So from now on, I¡¯m leaving you!¡± ¡°You¡¯re still under tenant contract for another 11 Months.¡± ¡°You lied to me! You promised you¡¯ll protect me as if I was a chaste girl going to university in a foreign land!¡± ¡°That¡¯s why you should have read the fine print in the contract. You can¡¯t take human words seriously, and this is a fellow human who is saying this.¡± ¡°Are you saying I¡¯ve been pawned!?¡± ¡°No. I¡¯m saying you¡¯ve been punked.¡± ¡°GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! STUPID HUMAN LEETSPEEEEEEECH!¡± This tale has been unlawfully lifted from Royal Road. If you spot it on Amazon, please report it. I watched as this girl who had frizzy hair and fur covering her arms and calves like sleeve-warmers dance around in rage. As she only wears a loose t-shirt and her underwear was ¡®missing¡¯ I got a lovely few of her¡­¡­ secrets of a Sasquatch girl. She suddenly stopped her tantrum and held her slippers at me like a kitchen knife. ¡°Pay me back for mental damages! I won¡¯t forgive you until you pay me every Euros made from selling all of my underwear to shady people in the black market! Th-this is a felony!¡± ¡°10% of net profits.¡± ¡°I¡¯m not f**king bargaining with you! I¡¯m threatening you!¡± ¡°Aaaah. Oh nooo. She¡¯s going to cut my throat with my mother¡¯s slippers. Kyaa Kyaa.¡± ¡°¡­¡­¡­¡­¡­¡­¡­¡­¡­ Y¡­ you¡¯re making fun of me¡­ aren¡¯t you?¡± I turned away from the Sasquatch girl¡¯s eyes. ¡°15%.¡± ¡°AL OF IT!¡± ¡°15.5%.¡± ¡°Now you¡¯re really picking a fight with me I¡¯ll break your arm and shove it up your--¡± ¡°The Lexington Act, Article 971, Paragraph 19. Thou shall not strike a human and though shall not strike a creature. Any one who breaks this clause, shall be ejected into the 67thOblivion. In other words if you hit me, you won¡¯t be my room-mate. You¡¯ll be mandatory room-mates with Shoggoth. I think his name was called Bubba.¡± ¡°VER-D@MMIT!¡± ¡°I thought your kind came from American lore. When did you learn German?¡± I tilted my head, enjoying the view the raging Sasquatch was giving me as she rolled across the ground in just her T-Shirt. ¡°I CAN¡¯T STAND THIS ANYMOOOOO OOOOOOO OOOORE!¡± ¡°GEH!? WH-WHEN DID YOU OWN THAT SMITH AND WESSON BABY BROWNING SNUB REVOLVER!? TH-THAT¡¯S AN ANTIQUE THAT BRITISH CONSTABLES USED IN THE ''80s!¡± ¡°I-if I can¡¯t win you with force¡­. I¡¯ll hit you with a back door strategy! Gabu!¡± ¡°THE F**K!? YOU¡¯RE GOING TO SWALLOW A BULLET AND FRAME ME FOR BREAKING THE LEXINGTON ACT!?¡± ¡°You really are an Idiot¡­. I¡¯ll do this of course!¡± And she started to lick the nozzle of the gun in a seductive manner¡­. At this point, I realize this weapon¡­¡­. Was a toy replica. ¡°Chuuu Chuuu Chuu¡­ I heard this drives humans crazy, like nails on a chalk board! Ha-ha! The queen of the Sasquatch has made a comeback! The ultimate counterattack has begun! Let¡¯s see how long you can last this torture¡­ human! Chuu! Chuuu! Chuuu! Laaaaaaaaaal?!¡± ¡°¡­¡­¡­¡­¡­¡­¡­¡­¡­¡­..Oh, oh no. A-anything but that. My eyes, I can¡¯t watch this from afar. I-I must reduce the impact by getting in closer!¡± ¡°Ha-ha-ha! It¡¯s super effective!¡± In the end, I¡®endured this act of torture¡¯from the (cute) Sasquatch girl licking the toy gun¡­ I spurred her on with more fake screams. She¡¯s pretty good at this torture. I bet these photos would sell for a fortune in the back channels. "GUUG! COUGH COUGH! HURK!" "....... Giving up?" "KKKKKKK--NEVEEEEEEEER! CHUU?!! CHUU?!! CHUUUU???!!" (3) - Vaccine-23
¡°You shouldn¡¯t have heard that.¡± ¡°No. I shouldn¡¯t. But I broadcasted it anyway.¡± The situation of this conflict was taken place in the top of a stone tower, something straight out of a magical fantasy book, It was night, the clouds covered the sky, and spears of lightning and horns of thunder were brewing inside the thick clouds, ready to stew up chaos. The two characters in question was a Necromancer and a Druid. One of them was peering through the a glass tube and brass braces that resembled a bit like a microscope. Th other held out a short staff that was half her arm length and it was glowing with various runes that focus on ¡®connected broadcast¡¯. The Druid frowned as she spoke up. ¡°Your game is over. The entire world knows your secret. There is no turning back now.¡± ¡°Hmm. Indeed. This would truly impede on my plans to bring Phase 5 to 78 to fruition. Frankly, this result p*sses me off.¡± Even if the Necromancer said those words, he did not pul his one eye away from the end of the glass tube he was peering through. ¡°So what do you plan to do?¡± ¡°Turninto a grizzly bear and maul you.¡± ¡°Tsk Tsk tsk. Are you not a girl?Have more elegance.¡± ¡°I highly doubt morphing into a crane and pecking your eyes out will help.¡± ¡°True.¡± The Druid shifted her footing. Even though the ground was littered with all the broken undead skeletons she had fought through to reach the boss, she did not make her final move. There was nothing left. Only a 5 meter gap. A child could easily walk over the bones and tug on the Necromancer¡¯s robes to request for food and cake. Yet this Druid who was older than a teenager with a sexy mature body wasn¡¯t ready to make those simple steps. The answer was clear. ¡°¡­ Oh. So you truly are afraid of Vaccine 23.¡± ¡°¡­¡­¡­¡­¡± ¡°It can¡¯t be helped. I¡¯ve specifically designed to destroy everything once it¡¯s complete. But I haven¡¯t reached the final stages yet¡­¡­.Even so, you hesitate.¡± ¡°¡­¡­¡­¡­.¡± ¡°I don¡¯t need to look at your hand to know it¡¯s shaking. Why have you not launched your final attack spell. As you can see, I have no more skeletons to protect me, I am completely and utterly unarmed.¡± ¡°¡­¡­¡­¡­¡­¡­¡­. Vaccine 23¡­ it¡¯s too dangerous.¡± ¡°That is why I told you, you shouldn¡¯t have heard that.¡± The author''s tale has been misappropriated; report any instances of this story on Amazon. The Druid girl shifted half of her foot forward. That was it. She didn¡¯t have the courage to waltz over and tap the Necromancer on the shoulder. Neither could she freely cast her magic without fear of an unknown repercussion. ¡°Vaccine 23.¡± ¡°Yes, Vaccine 23. I can¡¯t think of a better name. I highly doubt Blue Falcon would fit.¡± ¡°Tch. Don¡¯t play games with me! This is over, step away from that¡­ thing, and give up.¡± ¡°Come over and take me. I¡¯m completely open.¡± ¡°KEH!¡± The Druid fired a bolt of blazing fire. It shot through the stale air, leaving the smell of ozone in its wake. It hit the wall¡­. Right above the Necromancer¡¯s head. Even so, he continued to fiddle with the knobs on the glass tube. ¡°I-I-I SAID STEP AWAY FROM THAT KILLING DEVICE!¡± ¡°It¡¯s not a killing machine. It¡¯s a Vaccine. We¡¯re infected. We need to be cured.¡± ¡°I don¡¯t recall suffering any major plagues or diseases in the past 500 years. The United Kingdom and the Council of the Elders have all lived in centuries state of peace, so why have you appeared to make everyone wet their pants!?¡± ¡°I told you, we¡¯re sick. We need a cure. And I have finally developed the necessary medicine, while relying on the curse of this world.¡± ¡°Magic isn¡¯t a curse.¡± ¡°Yes it is¡­ The Damages done by this so-called supernatural power is even greater than Hiroshima, Manhattan, and the Third World War.¡± ¡°Wh-what are you talking about? Th-the h*ll is Hiero Shrine or, or Man Hater? I-I don¡¯t recalled there being any world wars in the past 500 years.¡± ¡°Silly girl. You truly are blind. This curse and disease has infected even your brain. You cannot be saved¡­ not without Vaccine 23.¡± ¡°WHAT THE H*LL IS VACCINE 23!?¡± The Druid was ready to kill. She boldly took one large step forward. She was not 3 meters. Nothing was in her way. No protection barriers, nothing. And she had a clear line of sight to this one man who was holding the entire fantasy world by the balls. That cold and collected Necromancer who never once peered away from the glass tubes. ¡°ANSWER ME!¡± ¡°I told you, you shouldn¡¯t have heard that. Now you know what it does, there¡¯s no turning back¡­¡­¡­. Alright, I¡¯ll repeat myself.¡± The Necromancer stood up tall, away from the microscope like glass tube and brass bracers. Held up in his one hand¡­ was a vial no longer than his whole pinky. And it was filled with a blue, green, and white liquid.Almost like the colors of a certain planet. ¡°¡­ Y-You can¡¯t be serious about unleashing it ¨C NOW!?¡± ¡°Vaccine 23 is the key¡­ to erase magic, the supernatural, and this so called fantasy realm ¨C back to the Earth it was before World War Three¡­ We will become humans again.¡± And the man dropped it. ¡°¡­ New York¡­ I¡¯m coming home.¡± ¡°NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!¡± (4) - Grasshoppers Sofa
¡°You will take the fall for this.¡± That was what a certain politician heard, hence why he collapsed in his old sofa. It was a momento of his family, borned and raised on a farmland. This couch he owned belonged to his great grand father, who saved up so much money in order to purchase this one piece of luxury his farming lineage could ever own. At those times, buying such a rickety couch would be more than a modern day apartment in a big city ($500 000+). This politician decided to keep it, to remind himselfof his humble beginnings. So the second he was elected to represent a popular state in the country, he immediately moved it from his family¡¯s home to his office. He wanted to remind himself how much of an honest man he wished to be¡­¡­. ¡­¡­. Yet, this girl in a highschool uniform and skirt who was sitting on his own work table told him those cruel words. She was beautiful, she didn¡¯t need any make up to accent her beauty. She even had a head band to pull back her bangs to show off her forehead, somehow accenting her charm and sexiness with a hint of maturity. This girl barged into his office the moment he officially obtained it by fair means. ¡°Nothing personal, really. But that¡¯s just how it goes. The decision was not made by anyone in particular, neither were it your enemies during the election. It was a simple spin the bottle. The tip just so happened to land on your photo.¡± The Politician didn¡¯t know what to say. He worked hard through every school he¡¯s been, went to a upstanding Law Academy on whatever money his family of two parents and 8 siblings could muster from their work on the farm. He obtained scholarship after scholarship just to earn this high place in human society. He wanted to change the world. And this highschool girl in the longskirt and forehead was denying him as if she was the president daughter. ¡°Heeeeeh. Are you angry? Well, I can¡¯t blame you. You¡¯ve spent more than 30 years in order to just sit in this office. Now for you to be ¡®responsible¡¯ for a large-scale scandal between three warring nations¡­ Sigh. I can see where your rage would land on. Me, right?¡± The Politician who was only a humble man who worked hard to get what he deserved, clenched his fist. All of his efforts were going to be taken away, with no please or thank you. All of it was going to crumble. Because this pompous b*tch said so. ¡°I prefer sexy b*tch if you don¡¯t mind. Honestly, I usually work behind the scenes, but my medium is sick today and is staying at home. She said something about staying with her pet Scottish Terrier being a necessary therapy. Frankly, it p*sses me off when I have to dirty my own hands.¡± The honest Politician who came from humble beginnings ¨C pulled out a weapon from under the couch. It belonged to his great grand father. A regular hunting rifle meant to shoot down dear, or the animals if they were sick beyond an animal doctor¡¯s capabilities. It was originally able to holster two slugs, but after many years to every generation and through every sibling in the house, it had been modified heavily. It looked like a sniper rifle that could shoot like a submachine gun. A special attachment underneath could fire a hand-sized grenade. Not even thinking, he pulled the trigger. ¡°Don¡¯t you remember me?¡± The gunfire did not appear ¡°No? How sad. To think you can¡¯t remember this sexy body at all¡­¡­ Here. Why don¡¯t I let you jog your memory¡­ like this.¡± The highschool girl suddenly leapt off the desk and waltzed up to the politician on the very old sofa. Before he knew it, she pushed aside his weapon to sit on his lap. Her legs straddled over his thighs, and she pulled her face close to him. He could smell her youthful perfume and the banana-scented shampoo. It smelled like a tropical island. ¡°And this¡­¡± The highschool girl suddenly grabbed the politican¡¯s wrist.. and pushed it into her heart. It was soft¡­. Warm¡­ and he could feel the pulsing sensation under his finger tips. Honestly, he completely forgot why he pulled out a gun in the first place. ¡°And this¡­.¡®N-no¡­ please don¡¯t¡­ I-I have to go home.. m-m-mama and papa a-are waiting for me to b-bring back the salt¡­ I-I can¡¯t waste their money¡¯... Tee-hee¡î" !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! The modified hunting rifle that was as long as a sniper and could shoot like a submachine gun, with an attachment that could launch hanf-sized grenades¡­ tumbled to the floor. Not a shot go off and it fell from the owner¡¯s hands. Somehow, the very old sofa became very heavy. Unauthorized content usage: if you discover this narrative on Amazon, report the violation. ¡°Aaaaah. I see you even kept this old jalopy from out last time¡­¡­¡­ Did you really miss our one time that many years ago? Did you honestly wanted to smell my bodily scent through the fabric of this couch? Do you¡­. Fu-fu-fu, have dreams of me if you sit on this sofa¡­¡­ Heh-heh¡­ What a perverted man.¡± Somehow, the weight of the girl grew heavier and it pinned the politician down. The politician did n¡¯t resist¡­ rather, he looked like he was too scared to resist. ¡°Oh! Wonderful. You do remember raping me back on Earth!¡± The Politician¡­ closed his eyes. ¡°Heeeeeh. Don¡¯t tell me you completely forgot how drunk you were after coming back to town from law school. Heh-heh. You looked so bad off and drunk on the street, puking like a sick panda. Kee-heeh. At that time, the innocent and pure me never know what a panda was.¡± The highschool girl nuzzled her head into the politician¡¯s neck. It was not out of love or intimacy. To simply put, it was like rubbing salt to an open wound springkledwith lemon juice. ¡°Do you remember the little girl in the sweater, who was called out late at night to feed her parents. Fu-fu-fu. She was so tired from working over time, and her parents yelled at her for forgetting the salt. So she had to run out in the midnight to get some from the store. Oh me oh my, your body is reacting.¡± The highschool girl rubbed her hand over the poltiicna¡¯s chest, her other hand gripping the very old sofa as a counter-balance of her weight. Her sleek black hair drapped over her shoulder as she tilted her head. She wanted to see the eyes of the politican who regused to look at her. ¡°¡­¡­¡­ You¡¯ve been a bad boy. Taking advantage of a cute girl who was only trying to help you.¡± The Poltician had nothing to reject that accusation. ¡°¡­ Hmm. Maybe I lied. Maybe it wasn¡¯t by random chance that the one to take the fall would be you¡­ Maybe¡­ I added some bias factors inside. Maybe, I intentally turn the bottle to you.¡± The Politciain was shaking. All he stood for and all he wanted to acquire through honest work was crumbling around him. The foundation of his honest heart¡­ was destroyed. ¡°¡­¡­¡­¡­¡­¡­ Hey¡­ Since you¡¯re little one is riled up, want to do it again?¡± The modified weapon that looked like a sniper rifle that had the function of a submachine gun, and an attachment that could launch a hand-sized grenade was picked up. The politician aimed it¡­.. under his chin. ¡°RA-TA-TA-TA-TA-TA-TA-TA-TA-TA-TA-TA-TA- TA-TA-TA-TA-TA-TA-TA-TA-TA- TA-TA-TA-TA-TA-TA-TA -TA-TA-TA-TA-TA-TA-TA-TA-TA-TA-TA- TA-TA-TA-TA-TA-TA-TA-TA- TA-TA-TA-TA-TA-TA-TA- TA-TA-TA-TA-TA- TA-TA-TA-TA-TA-TA-TA-TA-TA-TA-TA-TA--- Click Click Click Click Click Click Click Click Click* ¡°¡­.. Ptoo¡­.What a waste. This is no better than pleasing yourself while your woman is half-satisfied.¡± The highschool girl got off of the politician¡¯s lap. There was no response or shyness from those still legs. She turned to face the politicjan¡¯s work office, her entire body covered in dark red blood. There were some bits that look like pink gelatin, but she plucked out a handkerchief to wipe it off before anyone could confirm it. She held up a pocket watch from her skirt pocket and opened the cover. ¡°This is Yankee-Zulu-19. The target is eliminated. Repeat, the target is eliminated. Begin Operation Grasshopper.¡± The girl said those random words with a playful sigh. Still wiping the blood from her face and hair, she quietly walked up the the window of the office belonging to the politician man. No one stopped her, or yelled at her. The owner was ¡®asleep¡¯ on the very old sofa that was also painted red. The highschool girl with a sexy forehead and long skirt pulled back the dusty curtains. ¡°¡­ Wow. This was faster than I thought.¡± It was the landscape of a space colony floating in the endless star-filled pae. The city that was made of fiber glass and vacuum-pressured windows were smashed open like a skull, completely drenched with melting fire. A feelt of red ships of all classes from destroyers to carriers were lowing themselves within orbit of this floating space colony. They fired at everything in complete discrimination, no hesitation, and no opposition. Soon, the entire colony will collapse and it crash into a national orbital station that leads to a colonized planet flying the colors of a certain space nation. ¡°¡­¡­¡­¡­.. Fuu. I hate getting my hands dirty¡­ But at least I tied up loose ends. Tee-hee.¡± With that, the highschool girl mosied her way out of the office, regrgouped with a squad of armored soldiers with plasma rifles, and merrily closed the dead empty doors behind her. All that was left¡­ was a red-colored and very old sofa. (5) - War Bicycle
¡°This mean war.¡± ¡°Gulp Gulp Gulp¡­. Buurp. Aren¡¯t you just a Kawasaki?¡± ¡°SHUT UP! I-I¡¯LL GROW INTO A BEAUTIFUL GIRL AND RULE THIS WORLD! JUST YOU SEE!¡± Right now, this was the modern day. A regular reality with boring men in suits and ties, all of them working for a hard-earn wage just to pay rent and buy food. Among the population that toiled from day and night at their slavery called ¡®jobs¡¯, there was one person who stood above them. Literally. Being born to a filthy rich family that owned 99% of the world¡¯s stock and resources, was a girl in only a tank top and panties (she didn''t like being stuffy). She had delicious chocolate tan skin, which accented her well muscle-toned body, and she took a moment to scratch her beautiful calf with a cute toe. She was drinking a canned version of Jack Daniels. They usually come in glass bottles, but with enough ¡®persuasion¡¯ from her family company, they specifically made a new product line just for this rich girl in a tank top and panties. Also, she was a graduate from MIT, the only thing she was publicly good at other than ¡®swimming¡¯ ¡®fencing¡¯, ¡®racing¡¯. However, she was a very lazy girl. Instead of building robots that could protect nations from aliens, an advanced portable hospital unit that could be transported to anywhere in the world within the hour, or even specially designed smart robots to serve mankind - she wasted her last 24 days on drinking the canned Jack Daniels, some cheap brand of potatoe chips, and built her own Motorcycle. "... Maybe I should have used Coral Pink." "No. The hue makes me look fat! I prefer this color, it''s slimmer!" "Oh? Did I include a binary function to make you conscious of your appeal?" "A-are you insinuating that I should be fat and not complain about it!?" It was modeled after a Kawasaki Ninja ZX-10R. And like the original model, it was bright neon green. Even self-driving cars could easily mistake this color as the ¡®Go¡¯ sign in a streetlight or crosswalk. Hence why the increase of motor damages in the last decade, but we¡¯ll put away that statistics for now. ¡°I¡¯M AN ANDROID! WHY THE H*LL DID YOU PUT ME INSIDE A ELECTRIC BIKE IN THE FIRST PLACE!?¡± ¡°You¡¯re a motorcycle, one step cooler than a regular leg-powered bicycle. Anyways, I wanted a self-driving car but they all look terrible. I wanted something fancy, something that would scream ¡®Highway to the Danger Zone¡¯ whenever I ride in it and make my hair blow in the wind. So, I thought I make you to kill time.¡± If you stumble upon this tale on Amazon, it''s taken without the author''s consent. Report it. ¡°I AM AN ARTIFICIAL INTELLIGENCE! I WAS DESIGNED AS THE BASIS TO FORM THE CPU PROCESSOR FOR ALL COMBAT ROBOTS IN THE UNITED STATES MARINE CORP!I WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE FIGUREHEAD PROGRAM TO LEAD THE SECOND SPACE RACE! AND YOU¡¯RE WASTING IT ON YOUR HOBBY!? HOW DARE YOU!¡± ¡°Meh. It¡¯s my dad¡¯s company. He doesn¡¯t really care honestly. Besides, I got you fair and square¡± ¡°HOW IS GIVING YOUR OLD MAN A LAP DANCE CALLED FAIR AND SQUARE!?¡± ¡°Mom¡¯s still on station in the International Space Station for another 9 months. Short-staffed. *Gulp gulp*. Dad¡¯s lonely.¡± ¡°STOP DRINKING ALCOHOL IN FRONT OF ME! IT¡¯S DISGUSTING!¡± The rich girl in the tank top and panties downed the last of her Jack Daniels can into her well-toned gut and crunched the empty can with a burp. She tossed it aside to let it tumble onto the ground, only for a robotic dog resembling a St. Bernard to come up and eat it off the floor as if a slab of meat. ¡°I don¡¯t see why you¡¯re so angry. You look cool. You can drive me anywhere while I even paint my nails. It¡¯s very convenient if you tell me.¡± ¡°I refuse. This chassis of a body is too clunky and makes me look fat.¡± ¡°If you¡¯re omplaining about your @ss, it¡¯s fine. Not to mention, you have bigger breasts.¡± ¡°WHERE THE H*LL DO I HAVE BREAST ON THIS GOD-D@MN BIKE BODY!?¡± ¡°Motorcycle¡± ¡°GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!¡± Strangely, the Kawasaki Ninja bike was hopping up and down on her suspensions, revving her engines wildly. If her kickstand wasn¡¯t down and kept her hind wheel off the ground, she would have wholeheartly gone full throttle to ram this rich girl over. Manslaughter or not. ¡°Somebody, please just terminate me. Sniff.¡± ¡°And waste all those 24 hours in building you? Do you know how difficult it was to adapt your complex A.I. into any system other than a robot body. I¡¯m serious about wanting a self-driving motorbike, so I had to build your body from complete scratch. If an expert were present, he could clearly see this isn¡¯t even the original make of the real Kawasaki Ninja. You should be proud you look 70% close.¡± ¡°70%!? My body is only good to look 70% close!? GAAAAAAAAAAAH! I REFUSE! I REFUSE THIS REALITY! SOMEONE JUST F**KING SELF-DESTRUCT ME!¡± ¡°Wow. I didn¡¯t know you could learn cursing. Well, that make it simpler for me. For a second, I thought I had to act as if being around a kid. I can¡¯t corrupt you, you know.¡± ¡°.....................................Th¡­this means war¡­.. Sob.¡± ¡°At least your body is hot. Why complain?¡± ¡°HOW DO YOU EXPECT ME TO MARRY LIKE THIS!? TO A HELICOPTER!?¡± ¡°¡­¡­¡­¡­¡­¡­¡­¡­¡­¡­¡­¡­¡­¡­¡­¡­. That would be awesome.¡± ¡°NO! DON¡¯T BUILD IT! UWAAAH! H-HIS ENGINE IS TOO BIG FOR ME! STOP! I-I ONLY HAVE AN EXHAUST PIPE, IT¡¯S GOING TO BE RUINED IF HE DOES ANYTHING TO IT ON THE HONEYMOOOON! E-EVEN OUR CHILDREN WOULD BE A MESSED UP AMALGAMATION OF METAL! PLEASE THINKG ABOUT MY FEELIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIINGS!¡± (6) - Writing Pen-Pen
¡°I love you!¡± ¡°I-I¡¯m really h-happy th-that your c-confessing your felings to-to me, b-but am-am I really the perfect choice for you?¡± This story is about a penniless writer who confessed his love to a refridgerator.He was one of those new time Authors who believed he had talent, beyond the legend of Sir Arthur Conan Doyle and aimed to surpass Stephen King, so he decided to drop out of school and move out from his parent¡¯s house to strike his claim into literary fortune. How deluded he was. Now, he was living in a cheap room that was no more than an apartment closet. Due to how pitiful he was, even the landlord didn¡¯t bother getting rent from him. He refused to find any work whatsoever, saying it would ¡®take him away from the pool of fantasia¡¯ in which his inspiration come from. Over 9000 hours invested. Not a single book published. Something was wrong with this equation. Whether or not it was out of pity or remorse, his closest childhood friend donated a refridgetot for him. Little did he knew there was this Penguin Girl whose been living inside it for god knows how long. ¡°Listen to me, Pen-Pen. I love you. You are the only one in my life.In fact, you are the only person I couldhave as a friend.¡± ¡°I-if you try and go out, b-bask in the h-hot and dizzy s-sun, m-maybe you might f-find someone else wh-who is better than me! I-Ican¡¯t leave thisfridge o-or else the room temperature will give me a heat stroke!¡± The Penguin wasn¡¯t a female animal, reather she looked more like a human girl themed after a penguin. With sleek black and white hair and her bangs dipped in gold, the way she was dressed in a one piece dress made her look like an Emperor Penguin born human. She had dregular cute arms and legs and a cute baby face and she likes to curl up inside the fridge;s belly, as if a mother¡¯s room....sorry, womb. Typo. (>///< Also, she was a shut-in. No pun intended at all. ¡°That¡¯s exavtly the reason why I must have you! No one understand me, no one gives a sh*t of why I complain every day of the fat and lazy editors who have no taste in revolutionizing the literary world. Ney! They know nothing about the sparkling beauty of the works I put my heart and soul into. Only you understand, only you know how I feel. So there ¨C you must marry me!¡± ¡°P-please d-don¡¯t play around with my felins like a math gaaaaame!¡± The Penguin Girl tried to shut the fridge door. The coolness inside was dropping as it leaked into the stuffy room that was no bigger than an apartment closet. If this continues,she¡¯ll surely suffer a heat stroke¡ªIn her own home (fridge)! But the Penniless Writer refused to let her close the door. ¡°Please answer ¨C how do you feel about me?¡± This book was originally published on Royal Road. Check it out there for the real experience. ¡°Uwa-uwa-uwa! T-to be asked such an intmate question! I-I don¡¯t know h-how to best answer wh-when you have such a serious face.¡± ¡°This is my writer¡¯s face. Please deal with it.¡± ¡°Uwaaaaaaaaaaaaah!¡± The Penguin girl was scrambling for an answer, all the while racing against the clock before the cold air inside her fridge were to go stale from being open too long. The fridge¡¯s beeping noise wasn¡¯t helping, it made her heat hurt actually. ¡°Y-you¡¯re very kind.¡± ¡°And!?¡± ¡°Y-you fed me, e-even when you didn¡¯t have much money to buy m-meals for two. You even sold your works t-to a local sports and¡­.. adult magazines.¡± ¡°Not sold! Not sold! I allow them to pay me money to publish my works!¡± ¡°U-uh¡­.. You¡­. Made sureI survived whenever I got a heat stroke.¡± ¡°Indeed. That last city-power outage was a doozy. Fortunately, the last class I attended before dropping out of school taught us how to transform mechanical eneger into electrical energy. Still, stealing a university student¡¯s bike and a car generator made me feel bad¡­ I made the owners cry.¡± ¡°¡­¡­¡­¡­¡­¡­¡­¡­¡­¡­¡­¡­¡­¡­.I¡­ I¡¯m very happy.¡± ¡°Then you¡¯ll accept marrying me right?¡± ¡°W-wait! Wait! Wh-when did this jump from confession at the school roof-top to going to the church alter in a wedding dress! I-I didn¡¯t say I d¡ªOop!¡± Almost falling for a trap hole, the Penguin Girl slapped her mouth shut. Even so, the Penniless writer pressed on. ¡°Tell me Pen-Pen¡­ what is your answer.¡± ¡°¡­¡­¡­¡­¡­¡­.. Um¡­¡­ M¡­ May I ask a question¡­. Before I answer honestly.¡± ¡°Fire away, darling.¡± ¡°Bluuuuuuuuuush.¡± The Penguin Girl struggled to come up with the best question possible. She could feel her body becoming more and more sluggish from the lack of intense cold the fridge should be covering her in ¨C but she had to say this. Or she will never be able to sleep on it. ¡°¡­ Why do you want to marry me?¡± ¡°At this rate of unemployment, I won¡¯t have long before I reach my max life counter. Without food or water, I can only survive for so long but you can live forever because you¡¯re holed up in that fridge. So, that is why ¨C I want to marry you so you can bear my children and thrive!¡± ¡°Is.. is my body really okay for you?¡± ¡°Yes! The second I first met you when opening this fridge to find sustenance- I wanted to **** you so badly.¡± ¡°A¡­and you¡¯ve been holding it in a-all these 8 years?¡± ¡°I¡¯m a gentlemen! I don¡¯t hurt girls.¡± ¡°Will you¡­. Hurt me?¡± ¡°I¡¯ll be frank. I am usuing you to pass on my genes, but I¡¯m not that crass in choosing a woman I don¡¯t like. If I need to have offspring to carry on my talent ¨C it has to be a girl who is 100% compatibale to my genius! And I choos you as my ideal candidate!! Do you accept these terms.¡± ¡°I do.¡± On that day, a miracle was born.Marriage inspired the penniless writer to throw down his pride, find a job, and raise his family of 10. "... Pen-Pen, let me--" "No! It''s too much babies! W-we''ve been doing nothing but naughty things since we married! A-at least let my body take a breaaaaaak!" "... Your apron is loose. Let me tie it up for you." "I''m sorry. Sniff." "PSYCHE!" "NYAAAH! D-DARLING!? WAIT! AAHN?! W-Waait! Guuh?! D-Darling! I love you! I love youuu???!" (7) - British Shoggoth
"... Hello?" "Human, there is no need to stare at my body. It is rude. Gethos." It was World War II. The Second Great War that aims to eliminated all future wars. The main enemy were the Axis Germans led by a certain tyrant of the warring nations, supported by the other nations in the east and west. The character in question was their enemy, notably a pilot from the British Royal Air Force. He had just returned to the air base from an operation over Italy and the British along with Allied Americans and 1st Canadian Division were preparing to take back the nation of Italy from the enemy. However, he got side-tracked and ended up bring back a very awkward discover. "You''re definitely an oddity. You look like a woman, but your body is made out of the same type of oil we feed our warplane and tanks with. These yellow pockets on your arms and chest, are they like eyes or something? Could you see through them in a 360 scope? Do they have the same viscosity as flesh?" "Like I said, human, please refrain from staring, touching, or attempting to violate my body. Gethos. I consider it as extremely rude and I will not hold back from devouring your mind. Gethos." "... Is saying Gethos a verbal tic?" "Are you making fun of me, human? Gethos." The pilot of the British Air Force stumbled upon a space rock that fell from the sky during the recent air operation. It landed in the border of Italy and he decided to pick it up for research back at base. Before he could approach everyone, there were lots of maintenance and short staff back at the base, so he ended up taking the space rock with him as part of his mandatory R&R. He held onto a magnifying glass he was using in place of a microscope. "Wow. Even your chest has the same buoyancy as gel pads." "... Human, please stop flicking my breasts. Gethos. I highly doubt this is a valid practice in your human culture. Gethos." The person the British Pilot was talking to was a woman... or... what was perceived to be a woman (not a doll). She had the body of a mature female that was curved in all the right places, but her whole physiology and composition resembled an animated pile of crude oil usually made to fuel tanks and airplane. Yellow bulbs blinked all over her body that was now shaped to resemble the appearance of a British Maid in a noble household (she noticed a magazine under a soldier''s bed and copied that). She ended up sitting on the edge of another soldier''s bed, being gazed and prodded by the curious British Pilot gentleman. If you spot this tale on Amazon, know that it has been stolen. Report the violation. This odd girl made of living crude oil is what people who specialize in Mythics and Arcana recognize as a Shoggoth. Something straight out of the Call of Cthulhu. "So do you eat the same food as us?" "No. I prefer to eat the mind of young men. Gethos" "Why young men?" "Frankly, we could also devour a woman''s mind, but they release to many unnecessary chemicals due to the fact they keep worrying about minor details on an excessive basis, such as rent, hydro, and trying to get married before hitting the age of 30. Gethos. The taste itself is very bitter and not at all palatable. Young men, on the other hand, produce a sweet taste and aroma when they dream about mating with woman. Gethos." "I see. So that''s why you were alright with me taking you back to my air base. Everyone here is a guy. Even the field nurses." "Please do not make me sound like a frivolous woman with no principles. Gethos. I prefer to devour the mind of young men who have a strong occupation in society and receives a good source of income. Gethos." "Oh? Why''s that?" "Not worrying about job loss or being fired. Such complications would raise their stress hormone and ruin the natural flavors of their brain. Gethos." "Ah, I see. So there is a field of science behind what''s sitting in our noggins." "The h*ll is a noggin. Gethos?" The British Pilot had his arms folded, nodding along. As he just got back from the air strip, he hadn''t taken off his leather cap helmet and goggles yet so they flopped around like dog ears. He rubbed his chin and stared at the Shoggoth woman (in image only), while looking at her more. "Are you wearing underwear?" "Human, please take back that unnecessary question. Gethos. Otherwise,I shall devour your mind on the account of sexual harassment. Gethos. If people ask, it was an act of self-preservation. Gethos." "Well you are taking the form of a full grown woman. Even dressed like a maid of a nobleman''s house. I was wondering if you transformed your body to support the use of bra, corset, and panties." "Again, I do not see where this examination is going. Gethos. Either ask another question or I will devour your brain. Gethos." "Alright. How do you like to do it with guys." "................................................................................................" "You know, eating their brains. Do you go suck out the juices before you take a dainty bite piece by piece while wiping your mouth between intervals. Or do you drop on your knees and eat them right there out in the open door? Maybe do you mount them and just lunge for their heads while riding on top of them?" "I may be a Shoggoth, but I can clearly sense emotions such as disgust and spite. Would you like me to demonstrate the projection of those emotions while I eat your mind, Gethos?" "Oh? So how will you do me? Could you try it on your hands and knees as if eating out from a dog bowl?" On that day, a creature made of animated oil normally used to fuel tanks and warplanes suddenly wiped out the airfield that was planning to retake Italy. Thank God the First Canadian Expeditionary Forces got the job done in the end. (8) - Trucker and Elf
¡°I¡¯m sorry.¡± ¡°Yes, please take responsibllity of your actions.¡± It was somewhere in Alabama, don¡¯t know why but it felt like a good place to start. The state in the nation that flew the Star Spangled Banner had a lot of roads and highways, and not to mention them major cities were too far of ditstance to communicate with eachother economonically. So, the weight of commercial and industry fell onto the brave truck drivers who hauled massive electronics and chopped wood to the different cities on a regular basis. These men and woman go through lots of obstacles and would plow through conflict in order to get the job done. Literally speaking, all the cities in Alabama relied on these hard working truckers to just keep functioning. Today, one of those heroes could be found on his hands and knees, head low as if touching the ground and had the atmosphere of pity and remorse. A cute girl in a princess like clothing was sittong on an a very old sofa in the back of a truck trailer. The piece of furniturewas the type to normally be found in RVs and that is primarily the Trucker¡¯s bed when he was on the highway overnight. There was a heavy tension in the air between this kneeling trucker and the princess looking girl. ¡°I¡¯m pregnant. How do you explain this?¡± ¡°Like I said. I-I had one too many Heinekins. Can you blame me!? I just saved you from a Dragon! Th-those flying nuclear-fire breathing tanks shouldn¡¯t exist and I see why! E-even if I bet my life to rescue you from that abandoned warehouse on Highway 22, please understand ¨C I am human, I need adrink or two to calm down.¡± ¡°You say that, but after 12 bottles, you pinned me down and unleashed your virgin desires on my chaste body. Now, I¡¯m bearing your children. Please take responsibility for violating me, commoner.¡± ¡°A-are you sure you¡¯re with child? I-I mean, double chek with a ultrasound or something.¡± ¡°I¡¯ll be frank. I don¡¯t want this to be a reality, so I used every on of those magic sticks you gave me to check my urine¡­ All 12 of them said positive. Do you wish to deny it any more?¡± ¡°I-I¡¯m not ready to be a father! I-I still have lots of shipment backed up because of that run in with that dragon and that swarm of Medusa witches!.¡± ¡°I will say, I am impressed with your bravery and tenacity. Ever since I was kidnapped by the Abyssal ClassWyvern, no one dared to come and rescue me. Even the people dressed up like the forest and holding ironcrossbows couldn¡¯t get me out.¡± ¡°Holy sh*t!! D-did I just out do the United States Marine Corp!?¡± ¡°Please focus.¡± ¡°Right.¡± The Truck lowered his head, grovelling before the girl in the expensive royal dress and white shoe. No matter how you look at her, she didn¡¯t look pregnant. Maybe it was the first week of her trimester, so there would be very little physical changes in the mother. Any noticeable bumps would appear around the start of the Second Trimester. Stolen from its original source, this story is not meant to be on Amazon; report any sightings. But the 12 dipsticks that filled a portable trashcan was enough proof of her theory. ¡°So what now, Mr. Hero? We don¡¯t know each other, yet Im going to give birth to your child. You should be lucky I am of age.¡± ¡°How old are you by the way? If you¡¯re 17, we still have time to run to another state where this age is considered legal.¡± ¡°2952.¡± ¡°THE F**K ARE YOU AN ELF!?¡± The girl in the expensive princess-like dress sighed. She parted her long and curly hair to reveal her ears, long and sharp. ¡°HOLY SH*T!¡¯ ¡°Cursing will do us no good. I demand an action plan from you, Mr. Hero. How shall we proceed with this sensitive situation?¡± ¡°I have no idea. I¡¯m still trying to swallow the fact you¡¯re older than me by an exponential degree! Yet you''re tiny as a 12 year old! The math is conflicting my highschool level brain! And not to mention: why is my potential wife is as flat as a cutting board!?¡± ¡°APOLOGIZE!¡± The argument continued on for a few hours, along with some lady like stomping on a trucker''s head. They eventually had the occasional break with coffee, tea, and some donuts, which the girl in the princess dress doubled her input due to the signs of Pika ¨C pregnant mothers obsessed over certain foods. After the break,she could be found licking the sugar glaze off her delicate fingers, something that would make herentire royal etiqueete frown. ¡°So *lick* *lick*, what is the verdict?¡± ¡°I-I have a rought idea, but don¡¯t make it sound like this is a royal execution.¡± ¡°If the answer is not satisfactory, I will see you on my father¡¯s chopping block.¡± ¡°¡­.. Gulp.¡± After a small pause, Mr. Trucker gave his answer. ¡°I¡¯ll quit my job.¡± ¡°¡­¡­¡­¡­¡­¡­¡­¡­¡­¡­¡­¡­¡­¡­¡­¡­¡­¡­¡­¡± ¡°I have to. As much as it is a high paying position in Alabama, I won¡¯t be by your side when you need me the most. I don¡¯t want to be on the other end of Highway 55 or stuck in a swamp in Road 93A when you¡¯re in labour¡­ I want to be next to you, supporting you as you go through the pain of all mothers¡­¡­ I don¡¯t want you to face the fear alone.¡± ¡°¡­¡­¡­¡­¡­¡­¡­¡­¡­¡­¡­¡­¡­¡­¡­¡­¡­¡­¡­¡­¡­¡­¡­¡­¡­..¡± ¡°... Miss Elf, princess, sir...Wh¡­why are you crying?¡± ¡°Do you know¡­ not even my father said anything when I was kidnapped by the dragon¡­¡­ to hear these stupid words, these hopeless words of a commoner. E-even I don¡¯t know why I¡¯m crying with this warm feeling in my chest.¡± ¡°......... Please marry me, Princess. I mean it!¡± ¡°Sniff, about d@mn time. human.¡± And so, Mr. Trucker got married. Dropping out of the Truck Transport Corp, trading in his semi-truck for an RV, he moved to Montana with his Elven Princess wife. They didn¡¯t exactly live happily ever after, but they definitely managed a home based online market selling ¡®items that could only exist in a fantasy world''¡¯, and had 29 hearty children. ¡°¡­. P-Princess. A-are you pregnant¡­ Again?¡± ¡°Ku-ku-ku. Don¡¯t underestimate an Elf¡¯s body. This is number 30.¡± ¡°I don¡¯t have enough money to buy a third trailer! My wallet has hit its limit!¡± ¡°Then you must work harder for me, commoner. And if you do appease me, we can do this and that again?.¡± ¡°Then won¡¯t we have 31 children!?¡± ¡°Is there any objection, commoner?¡± ¡°N-no. None at al your highness¡­. Sniff.¡± (9) - Hermit Hero
"I will remember this." "Yes, yes, yes. Please have a safe travel." This was a simple story, about a seniorly hermit who had watch over the land of meadows and grass for god knows how long. To summarize the situation ¨C he just got evicted by his 17 year old landlord (lady). "You can''t do this! I was one one of the Seven Heroes who vanquished the Demon King! The one who sunk the fleet of 100 Ghouls and saved the neighboring kingdoms from the Tear Drops of the Silver Moon ¨C How can you kick me out like this!?" "I can and I will. You haven''t paid the rent for 10 months. My tolerance has already achieved the maximum point. So now,I''m carrying out my duty as the landlord." "You little brat, you weren''t even born when I painted the Orc Prince to death with my Magic Pastels of Holy Radiance +5 with Poison Damage!" "It doesn''t matter. It''s in your contract. If you can''t pay please leave." The Hermit gave a huff. Never in his life as a hero and guardian had he ever been treated like this. Even the Rat King of the South had to take off his crown in his presence in respect. But the one carrying the title of landlord said those cruel words, while casually sweeping the stray autumn leaves from the front porch of the Windmill Apartment. She wasn''t at all bothered by how the hermit was glaring daggers at her, or the fact he was igniting magical flames in his palms. "How do you expect an old war veteran to live off from military pensions alone! It barely puts food on the table let alone worry about bill and hydro!" "Even so, I have no choice but to evict you. I''ve held my breath for the last 10 months and I am unable to hold it any longer. With all due respect, please leave private property!" "I''ll sue! I will take it to the supreme court of the High Councils and sue you!" This narrative has been purloined without the author''s approval. Report any appearances on Amazon. "Then you''ll be putting a lonely little girl out of business and out of a home. Do you want me to carry a pack on my small spine and follow you to live a life in the wilderness, living off wildberries and moss... Mr. Ex-Hero Sir." "GOD-D@MMIT! THIS IS WHY I HATE KIDS OF THIS GENERATION! I''M NEVER COMING BACK TO THIS KINGDOM AGAIN!" "Yes. Please do..... .Farewell." Soon, the hermit left. He packed up his clothing, stuffed his memorabilia he collected during his heroic campaign into a trunk without wheels, and carried all the swords engraved with the signatures of his fellow comrades as if autographs of a yearbook. He also carefully tucked away his iconic magic paint board, his arcane brushes, and some old pastel tubes left from his days of glory he hadn''t used up. Now, there was nothing left of his colorful legacy in that room. It was instantly cleaned out by the landlord''s renovation magic (a new modern product the Hermit despised) and all of his memories and footsteps were erased. It''s as if he never existed. Just in time for a platoon of the King''s Guards appeared at the Windmill Apartment, to arrest him. "I don''t know who you are talking about, good soldiers. There is no one living here but myself. Do you not see the ''New Tenant Needed'' sign? I kept it clean every day ready to take in someone. Feel free to check inside, I am hiding no war criminal nor traitor to the nation. I only ask you wipe your feet before going inside my rooms." Turns out that a new king had claimed the throne, and never really liked the heroes who saved the world. So, the change of politics was obvious. Those who were considered heroes to the former kings, were now labelled as mass murderers and psychopaths. Warrior, Mage, Shaman, Druid, Paladin, Clerics, all of them. No one will be spared. Their verdict - execution on the spot. It was called Order 99. "I said wipe your feet god-d@mmit! Tch.....(Mutter mutter... At least that old geezer listened and washed his hands before every meal...mutter)What are you staring at soldier girl, get your fat @ss back to work!" Obviously, there was a tiny minority in the country who were not happy about this sudden change of politics. (10) - Programmers Witch
"Shut up." "MEAP!" A certain programmer coiled away when a snake-like body of leather flicked and cracked itself across the ground. It let loose a sharp noise that rattled his body through and through, his teeth chattering from incisors to molar. Strangely, the one who was attacking him was a beautiful woman. No. He wasn''t into that kind of play. "Fu-fu-fu. I heard you have special skills. I would like to use them for my own personal goals. You will help me." "I-I can''t! The level of complexity of what you pr-proposed is too much!" The Programmer tried to run. Big mistake. By the time he felt a twirl of thick leather wrap around his ankle, his nose smashed into the floor with a loud cracking noise. "GAAAAAAH!" "Fu-fu-fu. If you try to run away and make me sweat unnecessarily, I may have to do more than punish you. Tee-hee." "Y-you''re insane woman!" "Witch~?." The attacker was a beautiful woman. As if wanting to be dressed for the mood, she was wearing a type of leather attire where one would scream ''holy sh*t, it''s a dominatrix!'' and then get whipped mercilessly until they become a squealing human pig..... Ahem. A one peace leather swimsuit and leather boots as high as her thighs, she definitely dressed for the occassion. To top it off, she had this strange cone like hat on her head, resembling something a witch would wear during the history of the Witch Trials.She had a long ruby whip which she coiled around her dainty fingers with a sultry smile. Almost like twiddling the hair of a highschool girl in love. Either by joke, this struggling Programmer seemed to be the target of her ''heart''. "Please, spare me. I-I can''t comply to your overwhelming demands." "Which one? My first proposal to build me something...or would you like to go straight into the reward where I plan to offer my body?" "Both are seriously dangerous and will essentially kill me!" "Fuuuu (Pout). Don''t be such a spoiled sport." People would question if the Programmer was intelligent or not. The reason to ask this question was how he constantly kept trying to run away from this dominating witch. In the end, he would always get ensnared by her ruby whip she plays like her own hair, and slams him down to keep him from fleeing. To make sure her ''pet'' doesn''t run away anymore, she mounted his waist. "NOOOOOOOOO! D-DON''T BREAK MY BODYYYYYYYYYYYY! I-I''M TOO PURE FOR THIS!" "Oh pipe down, little puppy. It''s not like I''m going to steal your chastity or anything. I thought boys like this type of play~??. I went through all the trouble to buy this embarrassing outfit just to get on your good side. I really need your help!" This tale has been unlawfully obtained from Royal Road. If you discover it on Amazon, kindly report it. "I told you, your request is impossible! I''m tresspassing a territory even God and his Angels will go ''NOPE, I''M OUT!''" "Oh? Reeeeeeeaaaaaallllyyyyyyy?~?" "Oh god, no! D-don''t pressed our chest together! Th-those b-bouncing globes c-can''t sway me! Th-this is seriously a life and death situation!" "But I heard you''re the best in your field. With all the coding you can come up with, anything is possible. Whether it be hacking into a rocket guidance system from striking a nation; diving into the security network of a corrupt multi-national corporation; or even messing up with the account numbers of every black market weapons dealer. You''re practically hailed as a hero withinthe internet community." "A-as if they''ll see this slightly overweight and unattractive man as their hero who solve their own sh*t! They all just love my avatar I based off fromthe Black Panther. Of course they''ll fall in love with someone who looks like a super hero straight from a popular comic book!" "But couldn''t you help me? Do me a sweet little favor? I really need your help with my particular request. I''ve searched for different people, Shamans, Necromancers, Wizards, Witch Doctors, Clerics, Private Investigator, Assassin ¨C all of them. In the end, they all failed. They even told me to come look for you every I reward them with my whip?¡î." "Wh-why do you have a star on that last sentence!? Like I said, I c-can''t solve your particular probleeeeeem!" The Dominatrix with the Witch hat frowned. She found sitting on people uncomfortable so she fidgeted her hips as bit as if adjusting herself in her seat. It only caused the Programmer to squeal as he felt an illicit feeling stirring under his belt. "I-I can''t do it! It will drive me insane! I want to help, but what you''re asking is just too much!" "... Not even if I give you my body?... I... I''ve m-mentally and physically p-prepared my heart. I-I''m willing to go great lengths to achieve my goals... so please... tell me..... can you do it?" "I AM NOT GOING TO BUILD A 3D HOLOGRAPHIC SIMULATOR JUST SO YOU CAN MARRY CTHULHU!" "KYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! YO-YOU SAID HIS NAME! H-HE''S SO DREAMYYYYYYYY~???!" In that moment, the Dominatrix with the Witch had gave a girly squeal. She sounded exactly how a fangirl would go when seeing their favorite celebrity (5 miles away). "I SO WANT TO KNOW WHAT HE THINKS OF ME IF WE MET IN REAL LIFE! H-HOW WE''LL FALL IN LOVE AND END UP PROPOSING TO ME ON HIS ONE SQUID LEG! KYAAAA! I-I WANT TO SEE HOW HE''LL LOVE ME WITH ALL THOSE TENTACTLES¡ªgaaaassp¡ªC-CAN YOU PROGRAM THE SIMULATOR TO SHOW HOW MANY BABIES WE''LL MAKE IN A YEAR~????????????!?" "YOU''RE MESSED UP, YOU MACABRE-OBSESSED OTAKU!" Unfortunately, even with great skills and bountiful responsibilities - the level of technology at this time was not available to produce a solid 3D holographic simulator... give it another 10 years. Season One Poll Hello everyone, I am Green Flame. Feel free to shout that name with indignance and disbelief. I am really enjoying Royal Roads Legend and I appreciate all of your favorites, reading listing, and wonderful comments. I hope you enjoyed each chapter with a smile and a good laugh. if you did, please buy yourself a sticker from the nearest dollar store. You deserve it.Reading on Amazon or a pirate site? This novel is from Royal Road. Support the author by reading it there. I would like to test out this Poll System, so feel free to click and enter...Sorry, I''m low on budget. No prizes. Also buy something nice from the local dollar store - our economy relies on them. ~~Green Flame! (11) - Sun & Moons Detention
"You have my permission." "I don''t need permission to jump out of the boat. I refuse to do so." This was a story about a brother and sister. Not your regular brother and sister. There are some legendary mythology where many stories are born from the conflict of godly siblings. Notably in a certain Japanese Pantheon. To prevent confusion of names and how Japanese culture work, we''ll refer to these warring siblings as the Sun Goddess and the Storm Saint. Setting wise, the world was covered in floods and somehow they ended up sitting in one rowboat together without oars. The Sun Goddess folded her arms, her kimono sleeves flapping like a wild bird. "Again, Brother. I don''t need any permission to jump out or in something. Frankly, it would be redundant for a Goddess to even jump out of the only life-preserving vessel in the first place." "Don''t worry Sister. I''m sure the Sea God of the North will swoop into your rescue if you tossed off your robes like the Rain Priestess and dive into his territory. Who knows, maybe the event could cause a world changing phenomenon called marriage of Sun and Sea." "Are you mocking me?" The Sun Goddess, the elder sister in the relationship, frowned. The head ornaments on her head made of gold and draped with dangling jewelry shivered, as if a chandelier was showing how p*ssed off it was. The Storm Saint, the little brother, was wearing his traditional samurai robes and carried an intricate looking katana at his belt. The weapon was said to have slain a Japanese version of the Greek Hydra in one swing, beheading all of its nine heads with a hole in one. But those details aren''t important. These two siblings deities were stuck in that one rowboat without oars. They were drifting in a horizon that showed no signs of island or land. Even the tip of the tallest world mountains could be see peeking from under the water levels. The story has been illicitly taken; should you find it on Amazon, report the infringement. "This is all your fault, brother. You started this gamble." "I admit, I wanted to see what happened if I smashed all the dams in the world, but you''re the one who raised the stakes." "Handing over to you my first future daughters as your servants wasn''t my idea. It was yours, while you spoke in my voice." "Tch. I thought you wouldn''t have noticed If I had put a trance spell. Sigh, I was looking forward to see your first three daughters wear a Bunny, Maid, and Cat girl cosplay and do a sexy dance for their uncle." The Sun Goddess kicked the Storm Saint in the shin. "So now what. We''re stuck in a boat as punishment for your idiocy. I don''t understand why the Almighty Creator Mother and Creator Father are putting us this tiny vessel. It''s slowly taking in water from a crack in the hull. At this rate, it will sink before our 1000 year time out is over." "Yeah, you''re right. 1000 years is too short for reflecting on our wrong doings. They should have increase exponentially." "Don''t make me kick you off this boat." "I''m the Storm God. Even if the Sea King won''t come to my rescue (as I am not a sexy girl like you), I can still walk on the water." "Have you forgotten? Our Almighty Creator Parents took away your Water Controlling Powers. Not even your Storm Abilities could help but flip this boat over." "Don''t talk back to your honorable brother with that smug look. Ma and Pa also negated your Light Magic so if we''re drifting in the dark, we''re screwed." "Tch." This truly was a complicated situation that not even the God from the Western Bible could do about it. This scenario didn''t replicate the same parameters and limits known in the Noah Ark''s simultation. ".................................." "..................................." "..................... Aren''t you hot in that kimono?" "If you''re trying to hex my mind to make me strip and dance for you, I refuse." "Tch. Ma and Pa should have let us bring our G*meboys or something." "Please be quiet and let me mentally read the light novel I memorized in peace." 999 years to go before their time out is over. (12) - Dancer Girl and Noble Woman
"Don''t trust everything you see." "GET THE F**K OUT OF MY HAIR YOU FAT B*TCH!" There was a rather loud and messy fight going on at the local bazaar (a marketplace set in Arabian, presumably). As this was the capital city located in a desert next to a Great Nile, there were all sorts of people who thrived in that city. Local, exotic, foreigners, everyone was welcomed to the city in the desert so long as they can pay parking fees (for their intercontinental ship or camel). The city was set up to be incredibly advanced, despite relying on copper swords, bronze shields, and wooden arrows, but the security was noted to be the best in the nation (earned a continental prize). Today however, made the judges wanting to call the city to get the award back. Because two beautiful girls were duking it out in that bazaar, harder than a mud wrestling match. To best describe it, one was a sexy Arabian Dancer and one was a sexy foreign English Noblewoman. Even if they had a scimitar and rapier at their hips, they prefer to get down and dirty with face scratching and hair pulling. Essentially, it was an all out cat-fight. "KYAAAA! S-STOP IT! YOU''RE RUIN MY HAIR! DO YOU KNOW HOW MANY PRUNES I HAD TO MASH UP TO GET THE ONYX COLOR RIGHT!?" "L-LET GO OF MY CORSET! I-IT WAS SPECIALLY MADE BACK IN LONDON AND IT''S ONE OF A KIND! GAAAAH! TH-THE SEAMS ARE BREAKIIIIING!!"The story has been stolen; if detected on Amazon, report the violation. The Arabian Dancer and the English Noblewoman continued their fight. They would roll across the sand, spitting and kicking into each other''s faces. They never once let go of each other''s long and beautiful black / blond hair. "Gyaaaah! I saw it first. By law of man and god, that item belongs to me!" "Kaa! From where I hail from, there is something call the Law of the City. If I handed my money to the vendor, that item is rightfully my property. There is no mistake!" "Ku-ku-ku (haughty laugh). From where you come from, that may be. But you forgot ¨C this isn''t your silly country in the West! Now go home and suck on your hot dogs or whatever the cr*p you eat over there!" "Oh? So am I to let barbarians like you push people around just because you carry the bigger stick. Nein! I shall turn over this flimsy rule with my bare hands! And hot dogs are from that other nation in the north that flies the star spangled banner you illiterate wench!" "Wait! Wait! Th-that''s my top you''re pulling at! S-stop it! My precious will spill out and everyone will see them! Th-they''re meant for my Sultan Prince! I SAID STOP PULLING, YOU B*TCH!!" The fight went from a simple cat fight to an no-hold-handle-bar brawl. Now, the two sexy girls were exchanging punches and putting them into complex body locks. The more they struggled, the more their clothing fell apart. Hence why there was a lovely crowd around them. Side note: there was a fine balance of men and woman watching the two with red faced intent. "GYAAAAAAAAAH! MY HAIR BUN! MY HAIR BUUUUUUN!!" "NYA-HAA-HAA! I SPIT ON¡ªGYAAAH! MY HAREM PANTS! MY HAREM PAAAAANTS!" Suddenly, the two beautiful fights split apart to roll back to their feet. They were a mess, half of their dress was missing here, and half their underwear was torn up. Lots of their bountiful flesh could be seen through the tears made in the leggings. They even wore the wrong person''s shoe. The reason why they were fighting was obvious, to a certain extent. In the bazaar, there was a special telescope put on sale at one of the stalls. It wasn''t very fancy, it looked very ancient and well rusted. Frankly, it looked like it was one of the many pieces of junk an old fisherman would find. ... But a boy they had a fairy tale-esque crush on really liked it. "GO BACK HOME AND SHOW OFF YOUR ABS, BELLY DANCER!" "GO BACK HOME AND FLIP UP YOUR SKIRT, PENCIL GIRL!" "DON''T DISS THE CORSET!!" Would it hurt anyone''s pride that these two were Princesses of two different nation?.... No?.... Okay. "FOREIGN WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEENCH!" "GOD-D@MN EXHIBITIONIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIST!" And so round two commenced ¨C mud wrestling. Place your bets. (13) - Hobbits vs Giants {Happy Halloween 2017 !! Give me Cake!!... Ah... wrong demand (>///<} ~~GREEN FLAME!
¡°Don¡¯t talk to me...you lowly vagabonds!¡± ¡°Surely, you understand the situation you are in right now, princess?¡± It was a world of fantasy. But there was no peace, not any more. The Highlanders of the Burning South had suddenly invaded the Kingdom in the Loving North, infiltrating through the mountain passes that have been known to be treacherous for travelling. How they amassed a large enough army to take over a city, and get them across those channels full of natural death traps and never ending pit falls, no one knew. But they were not standing in front of this one girl in the middle of a castle made of opal and sapphire. A once beautiful royal keep meant to watch over her people, but now it was half burnt to the ground by the flames of those Highlanders. The Princess was a small creature, a being with pointed ears and the size of a child. Frankly put, she was the princess of a Hobbit Kingdom. And these men surrounding her like hungry wolves were true born Giants who were raised in the harshest terrain. Maybe it was their natural genes that got them through natural traps and never eding pitfalls. ¡°So, what will you do, little girl? I suggest you get on your knees and start asking me to spare your tiny people. Hah! Honestly, you¡¯ve never stood a chance when we kicked down your front doors!¡± ¡°Don¡¯t laugh at my people. They are honest hardworking folk!¡± ¡°Who thinks of nothing but having regular tea times, fine cheese, and drowning themselves in ale.¡± ¡°I won¡¯t deny that fact, but I will correct you we only have a taste for fine wine.¡± The princess who looked like she could be perfect to go to a kindgarten school bared her fangs through her eyes. She was no taller than the giant¡¯s knee yet she stood her ground on the top of the stair case that lead to the main royal sanction, where her family and most closest members of the court were being held inside. Essentially, her father, the emperor, had just pushed her daughter out to stand as the last line of defense¡­ @sshole. ¡°Are you shaking in your boots, little girl? Why don¡¯t you be my wifey and I¡¯ll make you shake them even harder.¡± ¡°Don¡¯t be so crass. You¡¯ve lost the moment you all set foot at our nationa¡¯s doorstep. You didn¡¯t even wipe you feet from the filthy mud of your homeland. At least wash your hands when you barge into our house!¡± The little hobbit princess frowned. The air was filled with smoke and fire, but what really bothered her the most was the smell from the enemy that blocked off her exits. Do they even know about personal hygiene¡­ do they even know how to bath!? Was what she was thinking about right now. As if the giants Highlanders of the Burning South would give a d@mn about being fancy. He was already in his best suit ¨C a bear skin hide he just killed about an hour ago. It was still fresh from the hunt that put his muscles into a sweat.If you come across this story on Amazon, be aware that it has been stolen from Royal Road. Please report it. ¡°Any how, I don¡¯t know how you people in the north submit to your conquerors, but let¡¯s party with the best ale and girls you have! We don¡¯t mind them being small, it¡¯ll be fun for us. Ha-ha-ha.¡± ¡°You will regret it. Strike us down and we will become more powerful than you could imagine.¡± ¡°Hah? On what authority or power do you even have in that tiny body of yours. I wonder if it can even bear my children? Our children are usually born 30 pounds at the start! You better prepare yourself to take on the responsibility of my family--Bwaa-haa-haaa!¡± ¡°Y-you have no clue about baths and aromatics oils, yet you understand the metric system!?¡± The princess shook her head of the thought that distracted her. Right now, she was in a pinch. Wrong move or not, these guys were ready to pin her down, rip off her dress and play with her all day long. Even if she was the size of elementary student. (note Hobbit ages range 120 to 250). As the heiress and sole protector of her kingdom that only specializes in fine dining and good living quarters, there was only one thing she could do. ¡°Excuse me. I don¡¯t have any pockets so this is the only place available for me to keep this hidden.¡± ¡°Well what do you know, boys, the princess knows how to fumbe under her skirt!¡± The little hobbit princess put a hand under her long skirt. Period. She did it as if a child picking up the hem of a table cloth, reaching in a hand through a tight crack behind the refridgerator. She then pulled it out. "Oh. So you¡¯re into that kind of play, eh, princess. You northerners have too much time on your hands to mess around with your toys!¡± ¡°Please don¡¯t misunderstand. This is called a flare gun.¡± The princess of the hobbit kingdom pull out an object that was bigger than her hand. It was 5 inches in length with a curved handle and a cylindrical barrel. Essentially, it was an emergency flare gun. And she aimed it up to the sky. ¡°Any last words?¡± ¡°¡­ HA-HA!¡± ¡°Very well!¡± The second the princess pulled the trigger, a brilliant red flare shot up into the sky. All the giants in the city invading the keep all stopped to look up¡­ adoring the bright lights. Then. *BANG BANG!* ¡°GEH!? WH-WHAT DID YOUR PLEASURE TOY DO TO THEM, YOU B*TCH!¡± ¡°I TOLD YOU IT¡¯S CALLED A FLARE GUN!¡± The giant leader of the Highlanders of the Burning South watched as his men popped fresh holes into their skull and they kelled over. More sounds of what appears to be high-powered crossbow fired from confinded gunpowder sounded out, and they whizzed past the princess to strike down the giant¡¯s soldiers in waves. They weren''t exactly crossbows, but Colt M4A1 Carbines and FN Herstal SCAR-L Assault Rifles. The shots came through the doors and windows of the final keep that the princess was standing in front of, the wooding and glass cracked completely to reveal long black iron barrels. They flashed sparkling light and more sharp bullets leapt out to pierce through the tought hide of the giant soldiers dominating the castle fortress. Next, steel rope fell down and people started to slide down to deploy across the war-torn battlefield. They weren''t hobbits, they were just too tall. Neither were they giant reinforcements, they were too short compared to the invaders. No. They were classified as human soldiers, armed with bullet proof vests and wielding gas-magazine rifles with holographic hybrid scopes. Helicopters filled the sky, spitting out trails of anti-armor bullets and iron tanks prowled the roads, firing on anything big and walking higher than the tallest hobbit building. They all carried the symbol of a peculiar banner: the oddly shaped stars and stripes. Soon, the invaders were invaded (invasion-ception). ¡°WAIT A SECOND! YOU DON¡¯T HAVE AN ARMY! YOU¡¯RE ALL JUST PUNY FOLKS WHO DO NOTHING BUT STUFF YOUR FACES WITH TEA, BREAD, AND ALE!¡± ¡°I-I won¡¯t deny the fact that our fine dining and living culture has rendered us completely defenseless, b-ut don¡¯t underestimate a Hobbit¡¯s ability to make friends in high places!¡± Especially when the defenders supporting the princess, were the 23rd Marine Corp of the United States of America from the other side of an interplanetary gateway. ¡°H-HOW ADVANCED ARE YOU BREAD SUCKERS!?¡± ¡°KKKKKKKKKK! SHOOT HIM! SHOOT THIS VAGABOND IN THE BALLS! CUT OFF HIS FAMILY LINE!¡± ¡°GUWOOOOH! WH-WHEN DID HOBBITS LIKE YOU EVER BECOME THIS EVOLUTIONARY VIOLENT!?¡± And so the invasion by the highlanders of the Burning South failed miserable to the power of fine dining and living, as well as the power of diplomacy¡­ not to mention, the hobbit kingdom supports 99% of our world¡¯s agriculture and food production due to the major resource shortage. ¡°GYAAAAH-HAAA-HAAA! BOW BEFORE THE MIGHT OF THE HOBBITS!¡± ¡°YOU LITTLE B*TCH! YOU¡¯RE STILL JUST HIDING BEHIND THE PANTS OF BIGGER PEOPLE!!" ¡°SHOOT ¨C HIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIM!" The name of this counter offensive was: Operation Halloween Parade. (14) - Rifle Daughter (Forget Me Not)
¡°It¡¯s too warm.¡± ¡°Deal with it. I just used the last of the fuel to ignite the fire.¡± 1918. Passchendaele, Belgium. It was the peak of the First World War where the Allied Armies and the Central Powers are battling each other head on across the lands, the air, and the sea. The tanks of their iron forged nation, the wings of their pride, and the fangs of their navy wrecked at each other on all fronts for the ultimate battle for world domination. ¡­ But the core of the story isn¡¯t the major super powers trying to argue who is right and wrong. It was about a certain young man hugging his weapon by a small fire in a ditch he carved out. He was trapped in territory known as No Man Lands. The distant howls of shells and the scream of men bravely jumping over their trenches to invade the enemy could be heard many miles away. So far away, yet every thunder of the artillery would make this young man shake. The Thompson submachine gun in his tight arms shivered even harder. ¡°Uwaaa. P-papa. You¡¯re squeezing me too tight. My body is going to break.¡± ¡°D-don¡¯t make it sound like I¡¯m taking advantage of you. You''re just a magic gun, r-right?¡± Yes, the soldier who was separated from his Allied Unit was talking to the Submachine Gun in his arms. No, he didn¡¯t go insane from shellshock. Maybe it was due to the fact there was an audible voice echoing in the cold air. It belonged to a young female, but there was no one else by himself. Not to mention, the dead center of No Man¡¯s Land was no place for an innocent little girl. Only innocent young men who had dreams and hopes of becoming a recognized hero were present. Only the men who came all the way from Canada, Britain, America, to fight a war that is not on their home soil. In order to ensure the war never approaches on their home soil. The young man sat in the ditch he made with the shovel he broke. He hugged the small Thompson Machine Gun in his arms. On closer inspection, one could tell there were some mystical markings across the sides of this weapon. There were lines of light that glowed, pulsing like the illumination of one¡¯s heart beat on a monitor (many ears in the future). ¡°Papa, you¡¯re shaking too much. Y-you should stay in the fire with me.¡± ¡°You and I both know there isn¡¯t enough heat to satisify both of our bodies. Besides, I need you in full functioning state. What happens if the Jerries suddenly come over with an armored platoon. You have to be fit for combat and shape-shift into the heavy weapons you turned into before if we need to get out of this stupid war.¡± ¡°B-but Papa, t-turning into a long stick that lets out smoke the other end is emberassing. People will think I¡¯m rude.¡± ¡°Passing gas while shooting a rocket propelled grenade is the best thing a man needs, so stop complaining.¡± ¡°Uuuh. I want to go back home and read a book. It would be so peaceful there¡­¡± ¡°This is war. Deal with it.¡± The soldier was illiterate. He flunked school as young as he could remember. But it didn¡¯t stop him from entering Conscription and being drafted into the Canadian Expeditionary Forces. Canadians wanted to prove their mettle for the British and the World, but this soldier had other purposes and goals in his heart. ¡°¡­ Papa¡­ Why did you join this war? Isn¡¯t it scary?¡± ¡°Yeah.¡± ¡°So-so short? D-don¡¯t you have s-some sort of long winded reason of joining a battle on f-foreign soil and f-fighting people you don¡¯t know.¡± Unlawfully taken from Royal Road, this story should be reported if seen on Amazon.¡°No.¡± ¡°Kuusuu! P-Papa is so mean!¡± ¡°I¡¯m not your old man¡­ I¡¯m not even married to that girl yet.¡± ¡°Th-that girl?¡± ¡°Sh*t.¡± The winter of the foreign land of Passchendale was cold. The soldier tucked himself up, but he still made sure the Thompson Submachine gun he found in his journey had all the heat she could get to be ready to shoot whatever mystical abilities it had to protect himself. He wanted to spit, to bolster his confidence, but he feared opening his mouth would freeze his teeth together if he did that. So, he just cussed. ¡°Papa! I-I¡¯m too young to hear that! Don¡¯t swear!¡± ¡°...Maggie.¡± ¡°Wh-what? What?¡± ¡°Maggie, that¡¯s her name.¡± ¡°Who?¡± ¡°This girl from my home town that I left behind.¡± ¡°¡­.. Is she¡­ nice?¡± ¡°No. She¡¯s a h*ll cow.¡± ¡°¡­¡± The soldier sighed. Being only eight, he didn¡¯t have much in the way of manners or moral. He only spoke his mind, hence why he was still a Private after his achievements in Vimy Ridge or even launching the Somme Offensive with the Canadian Armored Corp. His attitude would get him no where¡­ despite knowing that, he still continues to walk with his own two feet. ¡°What was¡­ she like? Mama Maggie?¡± ¡°Like I said she was a h*ll cow. Always nagging me how I need to be more responsible with myself, get a job, stop drinking, clean up after my sh*t, yaddy-yada-yada.¡± ¡°¡­ Pfft. The last part sounds like she sees you as a baby. Tee-hee.¡± ¡°Hmm. It seems frost got into your chambers, I should dismember you and see if anything else is clogged.¡± ¡°Nyaah! No! Papa! Don¡¯t strip me! Don¡¯t strip meeeee!¡± The Thompson Submachine gun could be heard screeching like a girl captured in the woods by a rogue. Even though it was just a rifle, it still shook around in the soldier¡¯s hold as if struggling to free her body from his grip. ¡°¡­ Sh*t. My arms frozen.¡± ¡°Guh!? P-Papa! Th-this is dangerous, you should get closer into the fire!¡± ¡°¡­ Can¡¯t. The mud on my pants are solid, I can¡¯t even move my knee¡­ let alone feel them.¡± The soldier had been covered in head to toe in stone cold mud. When a field gets hammered by year after year of artillery shell and endless rain, it tends to saturate the earth to the point of becoming a field wide swamp. Men trip and never come back out. Men slip and they fall into the line of bullets. Men stand still and they risk having to remove their legs to prevent the infection from getting into their heart. It was that rough. But it was a fight they can¡¯t turn away. Lest they wish for their friends, family, or children to see the same horrors they are enduring. ¡°Papa! Wake up! Don¡¯t sleep! Didn¡¯t you say you left the army so you can find a way home!¡± ¡°Yeah. My sergeant was right¡­ I am a coward.¡± ¡°No! You¡¯re a good man! You left all the way home so you can protect the people you love! You found me frozen on the stone and you still rescued me!¡± ¡°I was using you because you had ridiculous fire power¡­ to think you were just a sword in that block of concrete and I pulled you out as a last resort¡­¡± ¡°Papa! Stay with me! We can go home together! Didn¡¯t you say before, Canada was a beautiful country, maybe even prettier than the Holy Island of Albion wh-where I was born! You-you promised you would take me home with you and-and play in the maple leaves! I-I don''t even know how they look like!¡± ¡°¡­ That b*tch.¡± ¡°Wh-who?¡± ¡°That cow must be waiting for me¡­ nagging at me how much of a reckless fool I was, how I was an idiot to lie about my age and join a fight that wasn¡¯t mine. She might even throw a milk bottle the second she sees me.¡± ¡°But Mama Maggie will hug you and cry if she sees you again, right? Papa!¡± ¡°¡­ Yeah¡­ She would¡­ That cow was never honest with her feelings¡­¡± ¡°It¡¯s no good, I can¡¯t turn into anything useful other than a weapon! I can¡¯t pull you close to the fire! So please, Papa, don¡¯t sacrifice yourself to save me! Think about yourself! Think about Mama back home!¡± ¡°Hey¡­ Excalibur¡­ if you ever see this chick with hair as red as an orange tree with messy freckles on her nose¡­ tell her¡­ she¡¯s a cow¡­ and I¡¯ll still marry her¡­ ha¡­ha¡­h¡­¡­ ¡­¡­¡­¡­¡­¡­ ¡­¡­¡­¡­...¡± ¡°... Papa?¡± ¡°¡­¡­¡­¡­¡­¡­¡­ ¡­¡­¡­¡­¡­¡­ ¡­¡­¡­¡­¡­¡­ ¡­¡­¡­¡­¡­ ¡­¡­..¡± ¡°P-Papa. Don¡¯t joke with me¡­ please¡­ say something.¡± ¡°¡­¡­¡­¡­¡­¡­¡­¡­¡­¡­ ¡­¡­¡­¡­¡­¡­¡­¡­¡­¡­¡­ ¡­¡­¡­¡­¡­¡­¡­¡­¡­¡­¡­ ¡­¡­¡­¡­¡­¡­¡­¡­.¡± ¡°¡­ P¡­Papa¡­ you said you wouldn¡¯t leave me alone¡­¡­ You promised¡­.. kuuu¡­.PAPAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAA!¡± ¡­The morning after. November 11, 1918. The conflict between the Allies and Central Powers have declared a total ceasefire. The latter had lost their wager in the conflict and are now to sign Peace Treaty to every nation under the Allied Banner. The First World War was officially over. A recovery team from the Canadian Expeditionary Forces were dispatched, to search and collect soldiers who have been scattered across the endless battlefield with orders to return home in victory. Among their roster, they discovered one soldier who was frozen over in dead mud and ice from the freezing night. A fire lit by tank fuel was snuffed out from the snow and a broken shovel was half-buried next to him. Trapped in the body¡¯s solid arms¡­ was not a Thompson Submachine gun, but a sword with mystical runes carved into the side of the blade. A small weeping voice could be heard, like the sounds of a heart broken maiden. Ice melt and trailed down the silver edges like tears. Hung around the body¡¯s neck was the name engraved on his frost-covered dog tags. === Private Norman L. Douglas 8th Battalion, 90th Winnipeg Rifles Canadian Expeditionary Forces *First Honor Trainee* === ¡°¡­Good bye, Papa¡­ I won''t forget you.¡±
[LEST WE FORGET] (15) - Fantasy Business Plan
"That''s our business in a nutshell." "Y-you say that, but aren''t you all monsters!?" In a fantasy world that looked exactly like the usual RPG reality everyone enjoys playing from time to time, there was a side of that coin that nobody ever saw. We all know there are fantasitical monsters and we all know where they are. Much selection involves the classical Goblins, Orcs, Direwolves, Lizardmen, Ogres, etc (don''t forget the Norse and Shinto DLCs). But that other coin. The tail side of the coin. We never see what is on that other end. The other face that is active while we all pay attention to the Head side of things (adventuring). What do monsters do after they are defeated, ransacked of their gold and XP? "It''s a tough business, but it gets a pretty stable income. We pose ourselves as the bad guys and provide entertainment to your players by fighting you. It''s that simple." "P-players? Entertainment? E-even though I''m a Sorceress who graduated at the top of my class, I''m not able to follow your form of logic!" In a stereotypical cave, there were some regular monsters that gathered inside. To adventurers, it looked like a long forgotten ruin of a lost civilization, full of mysteries and plunder. To the monsters, it was just another shelter for them from the burning sun and wet rains. It definitely beats a dark castle without a roof to cover from lightning strike. Right now, there was a party of Orcs, Goblins, Direwolves, Ogres, Cyclops, and other myriad of beasts and ghoul that are normally spotted, and hunted in RPG-liked fantasy games. The only thing sticking out like a sore thumb, was this beautiful Witch Girl with big breasts. Despite her D cups, no one seemed to pay much attention to them. Maybe it was because her pride felt scarred, she frowned while she watched them eat rotten bread and pickled eggs. "Sigh. It would be nice to buy some pepperoni and some rye bread. Oh, and with some Camembert Cheese melted over a fresh fire. Hmm... Sigh, the economy has lost control of itself because of the never ending wars the players wage with each other. All the food prices have hiked up by the Dollar." "C-could you please not talk and chew on your melting bread at the same time. Not only is it difficult to hear you enunciate words from things that sound very lewd, but seeing how long these pastries have expired is upsetting my appetite." The Witch girl was part of a group of adventurers. Their goal was to explore a set of ruins (the one right now), and clear it out of the enemy. At first, the opposition of Goblins Archers and Undead Soldiers proved to be not too difficult. At most, they had some trouble in dealing with a Cyclops with a Club of +3 with Flame properties. However, halfway through the expedition, the party members decided to betray one of their own, tie them up and steal all their gold. The one who pulled the short straw, was unfortunately this witch. Stolen of everything save her corset, stockings, garterbelt, and her chastity, they left her to die in the ruins that was still enemy territory. If the stories were true, Goblins and Orcs love to kidnap beautiful woman to bring about their next generation, full time. But something was wrong in the equation. The anomaly began when said creatures found the poor girl all bound and gagged in scanty underwear. They cut her bonds and ushered her out of the cave, as if a child who overstayed her welcome.If you encounter this story on Amazon, note that it''s taken without permission from the author. Report it. If it weren''t for the disastrous rain outside, she would have been on her way back to town. That, or she was too emberassed to experience the chance of running into the adventuring party who betrayed her. The Leader of the group, a Holy Avenger Fighter, was her boyfriend. Well, now Ex-Boyfriend. "You should at least eat the pickled eggs. They were fresh when we last bought them and preserved them well enough in our special vinegar recipe." "...When did you buy these eggs?" "Last time we went to the NPC market to re-stock, it was 2010." "The year right now is 30xx." "Wow. Time sure flies fast when you work in a cave. Still have a bite." "....... Meh." Either she had suffered too much trauma from her betrayal, or the fact she was super hungry after going on a month long diet, she caved in and nibbled on the pickled eggs. They were surprisingly delicious, with a Jello-Like texture. "We call it Century Eggs. One of the Gargoyles suggest we sell it as a cold dish appetizer and it''s getting quite popular among the players. We''ve only been able to feed our mouths at the bare minimum with the profit we gain, no matter how small it may be." "You keep talking about players, entertainment, and business, but as an adventurer, I clearly don''t understand the workings of your organization. Could you care to enlighten me." "Aren''t you tired, after what your friends did to you?" "I want a shower above all else, but I know it''s not possible. The only thing that''s keep me sane is that I''m not sitting here naked in front of hundreds of male monsters." "On the contrary, our popular of male to females are 1:3. Most of the goblins present for roleplay battles are mostly women, but since both genders look similar the players won''t notice. It would look bad if they realize they''ve been hitting girl monsters the entire time. They always think a battle of justice should be between men. Sexist @sshats." "I agree. They''re sh*t." The Witch girl nodded to the Orc''s explanation and continued to nibble on the pickled egg that was black and jello from being dipped in vinegar for God Knows how long. She was on her second and holding her third to sate her soft stomach. "As I was saying. Our job is to entertain players who enter the this area of the gamefield. We pose as their enemies and obstacles while they fight us to gain XP. They normally loot us for hours, but they''ve been cutting that collection time by two thirds, we''re running low on coins for the game and replaced all of our valuables with glass stone tokens. If only they read the messages in our pockets, they could have redeemed it for golden tickets in exchange for getting high-level items or special equipment." "Heh!? I-is that why everyone is still stuck at the lower levels! Then the Top Five Warriors in the land that just recently showed up must have realized this trick and took advantage of it! No wonder they were faster than anyone to achieve weapons that their level could never apprehend normally! Those cheaters!" "Now now. Don''t need to burst a blood vessel for them. In order to keep the entertainment balance, the government has secretly added limiters so it''s level restricted. They could acquire high level items, but they''ve been moderated to not be available for equipping until they reach the necessary level. We always think about the masses in business like this." "Hold up. The Adventurers and I are always taught you are the enemy, that we should kill. I am sure that the weapons my former @sshat comrades used were 100% genuine iron and steel. So, if they strike you, you spray blood and you die. So how come everyone of you are alive even when I dropped that Level 20 Fire Storm spell in the center of your group?" "Again, it''s thanks to the government and the chains of weapon suppliers. We''ve agreed to nerf your weapons into foam and rubber. They''ve designed it so it has a sheen of lacquer where it gives the impression it''s real. It''s been installed with microchips that would make authentic sound effects whenever it moves or cuts things. It''s easier that way for us enemy units playing the part. In the past, everything was real deal so our medical bill would spike ridiculously." The Orc said those words while he was munching on his rotten bread. The Witch wasn''t sure if it was a monster''s preference or they didn''t have a choice. It looked like it was the latter, as she kept seeing the Orc cringe every time he tried to bite it and chew it and swallow it. "Why are you doing all this? This is hard work and being beaten around everyday, having your stuff get ransacked, your friends clobbered and bludgeoned to theoretical death, and being called the enemies of the nation. How can you live with all this." "Again this is strictly business. It provides us with some fees to keep this housing up and running. With electricity being available, even we monsters need to utilize the expensive resources to keep up with player expectations. And." "And?" "Don''t you think seeing the players earning a victory as heroes is something everyone wants. Just seeing them smile as they boast how awesome they were in a fight against us brings even us enemy roleplayers a sense of satisfaction. Out business philosophy is: Customers first." Since that day, there had been a new DLC added to the Mines of Madness ruins. There was rumors of a high level Black Witch hiding inside of those catacombs, willing to put up an epic fight for future heroes and heroines to remember. And even if these heroes lost, all they had to do was leave behind an expensive century egg, and they were free to teleport safely back home. The End. "Hmm! These are so delicious! Please teach me the recipe for the vinegar recipe!" "... In our line of work, staying inside an underground tunnel we could barely support with minimum wage ¨C you don''t want to know." Again, business was business. (16) - Lion_IDOL
"I''m sorry." "Yes, you should be. Now bow deeper, mortal." This was a peculiar situation. In a setting that resembled a fantasy world of floating islands and walking castles, there was a very special circus that was quite popular among the many kingdoms. They were known to travel across the continent, performing during major festivals or season. They were very skilled, able to adapt to the traditions and pop culture of whatever kingdom they took station in. They made good money, but to show good faith in humanity they normally donate most of their earnings to the local churches or orphanages. The remaining earning either go to the Ring Masters or special circus performers, and the rest get free food (hopefully). Right now, however, their main attraction, the Chimera of the North Falls, was sick. For those of you who don''t know what a Chimera is, it was a king of fantasy creature that had the body and head of a lion, the head of a goat, and the head of a serpent, plus its tail is really the body and head of a viper. It was often mistaken for creatures like Cerberus, or even Hydras on a rainy day, but technically they were still lions. In a circus, putting your head inside a gaping lion''s mouth and watching them leap through fire is a popular staple act in a circus performance. Again, the main theatrical star of the night was sick. It ate some of the free food meant for the ''rest'' of the members of the circus. So, the Lion Tamer was under a lot of pressure. To sum up, he frantically went out to catch a real lion. He ended up kidnapping a Lion Queen. Of course she wasn''t amused. "So, what should I do with you, mortal? Cut you up with my sword-claws? Gnaw on your Femur to drink the marrow? Or should I just execute you by my authority as queen of a forest nation?" "I''m sorry. I''m sorry. I was desperate and delusional It won''t happen again. Please spare me! I have a family to feed! Not to mention my daughters are high in debt from slashing their credit cards too much!" The Lion Tamer who was somewhat the star of tonight''s show could be found grovelling before a beautiful woman wearing a lion-like cape with golden furs around her neck. The woman who called herself the Queen of the Lions resembled a regular human, but feline like ears and a thin tail which she was petting like a cat on her lap. It was obvious who had the courage and who had the cowardice in the situation.Did you know this story is from Royal Road? Read the official version for free and support the author. "Essentially, you''ve ended your life when you touched my royal body. I hope you''ve prepared yourself to enter the afterlife." "Wait! That is too extreme! I-if it wasn''t because some idiot fed milk to a lactose intolerant Chimera, none of this wouldn''t happen! Wh-where is that time distorting wizard when you need her!" The Lion Tamer forgo etiquette before a Queen and made a run for it. A mighty golden club in the shape of an iron lion lunging forward smashed down in front of him. The weapon was 2.5 meters long and weight over 900 kilos. Hence why the human-level Lion Tamer who was only strong enough to snap a 5 pound whip was shaking all over. "Do you have anything else to say before I punish you, mortal?" "I-I don''t have nine lives like you. I-I''ll break from one critical hit with that thing!!" "Do you believe I would dirty my own ceremonial sceptre on the likes of you. No. I plan on eating you personally! Consider it as a personal honor, *groooowl*" "C-COULDN''T WE NEGOTIATE A TREATY LIKE REGULAR WAR PARTIES!? Y-YOUR ACT OF AGGRESSION IS TOO MUCH FOR MY BODY TO HANDLE!" The Lion Tamer knew it was impossible to run away. But it can''t be helped. When the body was put into a dangerous situation, it''s only choice was to fight or flight. Knowing he''ll break a finger if he so much as punched the massive golden club in the shape of a ramping iron lion weighing over 900 kilos, the latter choice was obvious. However¡ª "Mortal.... This circus you serve. Does it...... have many people watching you?" "H-heh? Wh-what is with this sudden question? Why are you blinking at and away from me as if you''re a steel-hearted girl trying to prepare her love confession!? I-is it that time of year for mating season." "Never mind, I''ll eat you know." "I-I WAS ONLY MAKING A SARCASTIC JOKE!! DO YOU NOT KNOW THAT!?" The Lion Tamer fled, but only by a small jump. He saw a sudden change in atmosphere, the killer aura instantly dissolved into something soft and warm like. He had his doubt it was safe, but he kept to his spot. He feared that the moment he ran, he would get shot in the back of the head by an even bigger mace. The Queen of the Lions had her legs cross like any sexy maiden would... and her foot was tapping the air carelessly. She looked restless for some reason and she slowly revealed why. "............. Do you... have lots of performers?" "W-wel... we are a circus. Th-there''s the bearded lady dancing, the smallest man in the world juggling chainsaws, and the army of clowns forming a cheerleading parade--" "What... do people like to see the most, in your circus?" "U¡ªuuuh...Drama... Strange Oddities... we sometimes present new inventions by scientists... Ah, we also hold yearly conventions for artists and writers every now and then." "............................... What about singing?" "We do have opera. Yes." The Lion Tamer jumped when he saw the Lion Queen clench her paw. Like how a man would say ''score'' when they landed on a fine pair of legs for the night. ".................................. Do you want to live, mortal?" "Yes. I want to get enough money, quit this job, get down with a woman, and have lots of kids." "Th-that''s too graphic." The Lion Tamer blushed, it was the spur of the moment he said his true feelings out loud. It was so raw, it made the Queen of Lions fidget on the crate she was sitting on. She unfolded her legs... clenched her paws over her knees..... and spoke up. The eyes of a child seeing their dream come true. "I want to... become an Idol!" "Done." That night the Chimera show was cancelled. It was replaced by the debut performance of Lion_QUEEN, the newest and most talented singing and acting Idol known to human kind. Supporting her along the way, was her Manager whose previous occupation was a Lion tamer. They went on to a big break from the ring of the circus to star in magic films, floating stage plays, magic radio drama, gravure (the most popular), wagon car models, and so much more. Then, they ended up having a scandal and had lots of babies after that. "... Well, 10 years of Idol work was a good run... let''s do it again sometime, darling.?" "... Oh my god, my pelvis..." He meant to say his spine. (17) - Canned Succubus
"Thanks for nothing." "I told you I don''t understand human food! I suck energy out of men!" The Pro Gamer boy with glasses had a large frown. He rarely would do that as the people he face are all behind another computer screen possibly miles and miles away from where he lived. Honestly, he preferred living in his apartment 24/7, ordering things through online, and playing games to fill in the void in his life was better than what the cruel world could offer to him. But. "How did this happen?" "I-I don''t know, human! You just up and popped out of a black hole and landed on me! Worse, I was having a bath! S-so you saw everything forbidden about my existence... Sob." The Pro-Gamer didn''t know if he was playing an online game for too long or he fell asleep at his keyboards again, but by the time he woke up ¨C he was in a fantasy world of an RPG he was playing. It wasn''t a virtual inception. His whole frail body and soul of a gamer who locked himself in his apartment 24/7 and eating cup noodles was brought over for him to control. Physically transported. And glaring at him with angry puppy eyes was a cute girl wearing a leather one piece swimsuit, full leg fishnet stockings with toeless ends, plus a set of bat wings and a demon like tail flicking around her like a cat''s tail. If the description wasn''t obvious, she was what was called a Succubus. In fantasy lore, they were often portrayed as evil sprites who seduce men with their charms and hot bodies, in order to drain their soul energy as sustenance. Even though she had this appealing innocent and baby-like face, she looked p*ssed. "Who are you anyway? Are you from outer space?" "You don''t even know my laptop is and you think I''m some kind of Astronaut?" "What''s an astronaut?" "......................." The Pro Gamer tried to keep his fire from bursting by adjusting his glasses on his nose. Fortunately, whatever process he went through the get to this world didn''t strip him bare of the clothing on his back. Plus, in the confusion, the laptop he was hugging in his sleep like a hugging pillow followed him over to the other side. He was glad he grabbed the type that could be recharged by solar radiation. "Simply put, this food won''t do. WebMD stated these types of mushrooms are not at all edible." "What are you talking about!? I eat them every day." "Do you often have diarrhea with tinges of red clots and frequent bowel cramps." "............ H...how did you know?"Stolen content alert: this content belongs on Royal Road. Report any occurrences. The Pro Gamer didn''t answer, he closed the web tab he just read from and didn''t bother to look at the Succubus girl who was protectively hugging her body. The two had entered a very bad situation. They hadn''t prepared, and Winter came. It seemed that the fantasy world the Pro-Gamer Fell in had strange seasons that have a defining period of the cruel side of the nation for a whole week. He happened to be starting the Week of Retribution, the harshest Winter period in the Gregorian Calendar. As mentioned, the Succubus fed on the soul energy of men who wander and get lost in the snow-covered forest, and the occasional berries and mushrooms. Of course she wouldn''t stock up on food. "Seriously, how do you expect to survive if no men were to wander around your area. It''s a miracle you look so full and bouncing despite this being a cruel act of nature." "Say all you want human while you mooch off the fire in my cave. Hmph. I''ll have you know Succubus are valuable creatures. Men would walk through miles of ice and mud just to touch our bodies. Besides, if our popularity wanes out, I could always start a rumor about a beautiful magic woman who know how to enhance life by physical contact." "Hmm I see. A type of promotional add. Geez. Such a reward would draw in millions of players to show up on time for a timed event!" "P-promotion? Ad? Player? Heh? Heh?" The Pro-Gamer ignored the na?ve Succubus girl who tilted her head, wings, and tail. She was honestly a denizen of a medieval fantasy that had no clue what a cellphone or laptop was. So it seemed the Pro-Gamer was the knowledgeable one. "And where did you get these cans? They look expensive." "Fu-fu-fu. I told you Succubus were highly valuable creatures that were sought out! The men who let me ravage and draw their soul energy often leave these large coins behind in repayment for.. ahem, my services. Oh-ho-ho. With this amount, I can buy my own castle and have lots of cute maids. Nyaa-haa-haa!'' "............. Coins? These are canned food?" "HEH!? WHAT DO YOU MEAN!? Somehow, a frightening revelations just dawned on the Succubus girl who was laughing like a queen to be not too long ago. She picked up the cans that had no name or label, flipping it around as if checking for the gender of a baby chick. "Ho-how do you know that they''re food!?" The Pro-Gammer didn''t answer. He simply yanked at the easy-pull tab on the can lid. Sardines in Tomatoe Sauce. "EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEH!?" She wasn''t bright, but a quick learner. She followed the Pro-gammers example and opened several other ''coins'' that had a familiar tab. Pineapples and Cocktail Fruit. Chicken Cream Soup. Veggie Ravioli with Olives. "OLIVES! OLIVES!? I HATE OLIVES! I F**KING HATE THEM!" "... Did... all the men gave you this after... letting you drain their soul energy?" "Yes! Why........... Ah." A terrible and heavy truth settled into the poor Succubus''s heart. She felt her body was devoured by a demon alligator (or crocodile) and was vomitted back out into a never ending abyss. "... Are you saying... that they--" "Yes. They ripped you off." "GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! MY PURITY HAS BEEM MOLESTEEEEEEEEEEEEED!" The Succubus, a mythical sprite who drains soul energy from men with their charm and hot bodies... curled up and cry by the fire. Its like she wanted to find the warmth she had just lost. "Uuuuuuuuuuuh. C-could it be... that... that humans are using my body for their own means." ".................. You are a Succubus." "GAAAAAH! D-don''t remind me!" The girl with bat wings curled up even harder... as if wanting to become a Hedgehog forever. Somehow, the Pro-Gamer finally felt pelty for her. "......................... Hey." "Shut up! Let me wallow in my despair.......uuuuh... I feel so violated (T_T)" ".............................. Hey." "GOD-D@MN MEN! ¨C WHO THE H*LL DO THEY TAKE ME FOR! A WHORE!?" "Hey." "WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT!?" The Succubus snapped! Unleashing her animal fury against all the men in the word, she bared her fangs and claws. But... the hand of the Pro-Gamer touchecd her shoulder before she could begin the massacre. "H-heh? Heh?" "... I''ll take care of you." "............................................ What?" "... I-if... if the game lores are correct about Succubus... the method to draw men''s soul energy... you''ll get pregnant right?... I... I''ll........fill in for the father role." In the cold harsh winter, a round face exploded red. "D-don''t misunderstand. A-as a man, I-I don''t like being irresponsible, e-even if I do have addiction for gaming." "A-are you Tsundere?" "You don''t know what an Astronaut is and yet you know something as complex as Tsundere!?" "I-it''s a type of role play th-that most ment get riled up from! Of course I have to know in order to maintain my Succubus Popularity!............. Blush." "........................... Marry me." "A-at least make this memorable like buying me a big castle, with hundreds of maids in cute dresses, and a big@ss diamond." "I''ve been playing an RPG game that offers a lot of bit coin for game testing and program update submissions... If this world''s currency matches with electronic money, then we won''t starve. Once the winter is over, we can fulfill your request." "............................... Will you do this and that to my body?" "Succubus or not. Only if you''re in the mood. I-I don''t like being too forceful." "I LOVE YOU, HUMAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAN???!" And in that cold winter night... a heart-warming love bloomed. ".... Hey... These canned foods...... they''ve expired... about 50 years ago." "I''LL SLAUGHTER ALL THE MEN, CUT OFF THEIR EGG ROLLS, AND BURY THEM BOTH UNDER THE GROUND!" "D-DON''T SAY THAT WHILE MOUNTING MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!" To stave off the cruel winter, they had lots of----------- afterwards. (18) - American Dragon
"Whoopsy daisies!" "PILOT! YOU''RE TOO CLOSE TO THE FIRING RANGE! PULL UP! PULL UP!" Up in the sky was a flying fortress know as a C-130. It was a military gun ship that excelled in air-to-ground artillery supremacy, sported heavy armor, and flew on prideful wings supported by four massive propellers. It was one of the few military-oriented aircrafts that still relied on old fashion Diesel Engine and Bladed propellers in an Age of Sonic Turbines and Hover Jets. The flying fortress made a straight beeline through the sky, avoiding the various flak explosive that erupted into a series of colored clouds that blazed harder then neon lights in a rave party. Due to the weather being cloudy, it was easy for the attack from below to easily miss their target. For the record, it was flying the colors of a certain Star Spangled Banner. "Pilot! We got incoming! Spin around so we can light these f**kers." "Use the 50 mm. That thing''s effective on British Dragons." "No, the 90 mm. It''s the big@ss Aztec Bats that we need to worry about!" The C-130 Gunship made a steep tilt to the side. It gave a smooth turn off a straight path and leveled ou for the guns to see the figures chasing after them through the clouds. A horde of snake-like monsters with dragon like wings and scorpion tails. Aztec Dragons. "Okay, you got visual. Light em up." "FOR AMERICAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!" Unauthorized duplication: this tale has been taken without consent. Report sightings. *RA-TA-TATA-TATA-TATA-TATA-TATA-TATA-TATA-TATA-TATA-TATA-TATA-TA* The flying fortress opened a panel in the side and the barrel of a 90 mm fast-shooting cannon was firing like crazy. It delivered a full volley of explosive rounds with timed triggers to erupt in mid air. It knocked out the flock of Aztec Dragons and their scaly Scorpion tails out of the sky. "Bogies are down, repeat bogies are down. Moving onto the next lap point!" "Okay, dokey, smokey." The C-130 went back to its original path and continued to fly south. As it was close to dawn, the crown of the sun could be seen peeking out. It started to light up a war-torn Manhattan... which had been modified into a form of -air-based race track. There were streams of rainbow light that floated above in the air in parallel pairs. They were turning and curving in sync, as if imitating a race track. The C-130 followed through the span of those rainbow fences without hesitation. "CONTACT! Saxon Dragon and Norse Serpent come up our Starboard!" The flying fortress carrying the colors of a Star Spangled nation bucked to one side of the rainbow fenced airway, to avoid two massive dragons of different origin that sliced out from under a layer of clouds. The two sentient beings of diamond-hard armor and bat-like wings took to the sky, flipping this way and that as if mimicking a dog-fight between the F-14s and the MIGs during the rage of the Cold War. They exchanged firepower of crisscrossing breath rays of flames and breath rays of ice. Whenever they collided, they exploded into a cloud as if a flurry of chaff countermeasures. "Pilot! Adjust attack angle by 10 degrees Northwest and elevate to 10 000 feet. Prepare to engage." "Copy that Gunny, you have clear sight on the target. Fire at will." "Priming the 50 mm. Commence firing!" Another long barrel of a 90 mm cannon extended out from the side of the C-130''s belly. It adjusted its angle, calculated the distance, wind resistance, and the Coriolis Effect of movement adjacent to a spinning platform. The safety flicked off and the button was pressed. *BTOOM* The first shot tore through the big green dragon of English Descent into overcooked hamburger. *BTOOM* The second shell pierced through the heart of the flying Norse snake and dropped it along with its enemy. "Confirmed, all targets eliminated." "Good Kill. Good Kill." Once the sky was clear of any other life, the C-130 spurred on its engines for the final push. "Hey, Pilot. When this is all over, what do you plan on having?" "Ha-ha-ha. Granny Smith''s Apple Pie." "Amen to that Brother." The sun rose. It was not waking up and unfurling itself from under the blanket called horizon. It slowly lifted itself to stand up... and eventually floated over the lines of the ocean. The light shining down revealed the entire race course, their dragon racers, and the smoke and fire coming out of evacuated Manhattan. Up in the lead was that flying fortress C-130 running on four propellers despite being in an age of sonic turbines and hover jets. It was about to cross the finish line. To be honest. No one knew how this war started. Not a single country attacked or was attack, and economy had been stable for both the side of science and the side of magic and mythology that has been kept secret by the world''s government. Rumor says, some dumb@ss politician up and asked ''if every nation were to bet a dragon in a race, who would win?'' When it came to that Star-Spangled Nation... what better dragon to have than a flying gunship loaded with 80 mm anti-ship rounds. "Hey, Gunny. What''s the Navy''s policy in a tactical fight?" "Send in the Marines!" Oorah indeed. (19☆) - Changing Physically and Mentally
¡°Alright. We shall begin changing you physically and mentally. Have you prepared myself?¡± ¡°Please d-don¡¯t turn me into a humaaaaaaan!¡± This wasn¡¯t exactly a mad experiment. Kind of. There reason behind such awkward conversation, despite it not being in a diabolical laboratory setting, was not exactly clear. The only thing to keep in mind, is the fact that there was a Wizard Woman and a Golem in the middle of the floor, in the middle of a tower, in the middle of nowhere (#WizardLonelyTowerFetish?). Do not worry, the Golem wasn¡¯t a girl, not biologically. It did, however, resemble the shape of a girl only its body was made entirely out of rocks and animated mud. This is because there has been historical evidence in reality where many civilizations or known ¡®magicians¡¯ have try to create a living being out of clay and mud. They were usually depicted as excellent servants for wizards, kinds, or even destructive war machines on certain occasions (were they used in the World Wars?). Simply put, she was like a very, very, very ancient prototype for the concept of robotics. Don¡¯t take this narrator¡¯s word for it. ¡°Now hold still. I still have to set up the Lemming¡¯s Law of Ninth Dimension and overlay it with the Celestial Leylines to establish this Conversion Magic properly. If I were to miscalculate the formula, even to the slightest 1/100 of a degree or fraction, you would explode.¡± ¡°I-I know that I¡¯m a Golem a-and I¡¯ve am easily dispensable, b-b-but isn¡¯t that a big problem!? Wh-what happens if I make a mess of y-your tower, Master?¡± ¡°I¡¯ll just rebuild you with whatever is left or not incinerated and summon you again. Then you are free to carry on with cleaning duties you enjoy so much.¡± ¡°W-wouldn¡¯t my body mass be burned away by the intense heat of the thermonuclear explosion! Th-this would mean you¡¯ll only be able to rebuild me at half or even 1/3 of my original size!¡± Stolen story; please report.¡°Hmm. You make a good point. Maybe I should concentrate in distribution the right amount of clay and soil to keep the proportions of your breast as acurrate as possible.¡± ¡°DON-DON¡¯T TALK ABOUT MAKING MY BREASTS BIGGER LIKE SOME KIND OF SCIENCE FAIR EXPERIMENT, YOU PERVERT!!¡± ¡°¡­Did you say something, my darling?¡± ¡°M-Meep! N-no, no Mi-Mistress! Uwa-uwa-uwa.¡± The Golem that looked like a girl, but was not biologically female, could be found shuddering in the corner of the tower flower. It was difficult to hide behind anything inside the chamber, as all the equipment and bookshelves were places across the floor in an intentional manner. For example, the shelves were not against the wall, but standing what appear to be random angles with exactly 1 meter interval from each other. There were book stacks that were piled up in alphabetical order, and they each were angled at 45 degrees exactly. There was also a box of pizza with three slices of eight sitting on a work table surrounded by question chemicals¡­ ¡­ Wait. Scratched the pizza. It was just the Wizard Woman¡¯s lunch, but after eating three slices she got sick from the absurb amount of cheese it had and decided to save it for her pet Cerberus. There was no magical value as to why only three slices were missing from the eight, false alarm. ¡°M-Mistress, please reconsider. I-if this C-Conversion Magic is so dangerous why are you even attempting it! Y-you nearly went bankrupt from buying all of those expensive materials. A-and aren¡¯t they all fabric used to make some kind of exotic dress? Wh-what kind of magical law involves using them as the medium?¡± ¡°Oh, that had nothing to do with this experiment. I¡¯ve already set up the necessary materials to make sure I will get a 1000% percent success rate and establish good enough Wi-Fi to teleport the exact data over the magical frequency from the 3rd Dimension to the 11th Dimension.¡± ¡°S-so, what do you plan on those clothing, needle, spool, and thread then?¡± ¡°Once I turn you into a real live girl with a hearty bosom, I¡¯m going to make all sorts of cute costumes for you to try! Tee-hee, China Girl, Battle Nun, Cyber Angel, Robot Maid! With your hot figure, we¡¯ll definitely win the Cosplay Contest ¨C Every Year!¡î¡± ¡°¡­¡­¡­¡­¡­¡­¡­¡­¡­¡­¡­¡­¡­¡± There was also another footnote in history regarding the origins and legends of Golems. They were built to be great servants who would loyally serve their king, lord, and master wizard. But, even if they are made from animated clay and soil, there is still one key feature that would mistaken them to be human. They know when to draw the line and quit. ¡°WAIT! COME BACK, LITTLE GOLEM! D-DON¡¯T WRECK MY TOWER WITH YOUR BARE FISTS AND ESCAPE ON YOUR OWN! Y-YOU¡¯LL NEVER SURVIVE OUT IN THE REAL WORLD! THERE¡¯S TOO MANY SCARY MEN AND¡­¡­She¡¯s really gone¡­¡­. Sniff¡­.So lonely.¡± Moral of the story, be considerate of your Golem¡¯s feelings. [New Year Resolution = Complete...???] (20) Wolf Camp
"It is required of you." "Sh*t." In a military camp., there were soldiers who were not exactly human. They did look like humans, during the day, but once it hit night, they would be covered in silver and brown fur instead of standard issue military uniform and they would be armed with claws and canine fangs instead of standard issue rifles Simply put, it''s a black military site off the radar specially trained and consist of people with Werewolf blood. They were specifically meant for the blackest of black op, relying on their heightened strength as one of the strongest hunter animal. Wolves were known to be some of the most effective and stealthiest animals known to mankind,thus Research and Development thought it would be a wonderful idea to fuse these genetic traits to their best soldiers. Hence, this black military site that was off the radar. Today, the members who were raised since littler with werewolf blood were undergoing special training. "Change the lightbulb. The flicker''s hurting my eyes, son." This book is hosted on another platform. Read the official version and support the author''s work. ".... Permision to headto the infirmay sir?" "Negative, this is a direct order soldier." In a regular standard issue military tent inside the black opssite, were two men. Since it was the dead of the night, their bodies automatically switched into their Wereolf form, still wearing military pants and boots as their shirts were torn upon transofmration. The Commanding Officer, a Lieutenant, handed over a small lightbulb the size of a tea cup to the 2nd Class Private. Yes. Change a Lightbub in a lamp hanging from the ceiling. For a regular human, this was too easy. But for a werewolves... they can''t grasp things so accurately due to their claws. Worse, no opposable thumbs. The Werewolf Private would choose to breach an enemy fort single handedly than do this human task. "... Sir. I have reports from the last operation. Would you like me to compile them for debriefing?" "No. Change the lightbulb." "Th-the intel I acquired i-is h-high priority. A-as it involves the security and integrity of the United States of America, the President must know post haste!" "No. Change the lightbulb." "... Would you like me to clean the bathrooms instead, sir." "Listen son. I know you hate this, I hate this, everyone hates this, especially in this hour at night. But we we''re too busy deployed during the day that we forget the simple things in life. If this continues, the random blinking will alert the enemy to out position." "Even if we have a solar-potent stadium light tower to illuminate our airstrip sir?" "The enemy think we''re just a regular airport for first time pilots in flight school But the blinking will tip them off. They''ll believe we''re transmitting top secret codes to another base via Morse Lights." "................ Now sir?" "Yes, now. I''ll compile the important intel for the President. We''re counting on you for this, son." ".................................... Yes sir." "Listen. If this works out before our next deployment, I''ll file in a request for you to get an early vacation .... Since we have wolf DNA, there''s no escaping mating seasons... Hawaii sounds nice" The Werewolf Private stamped a foot and slapped a crisp salute. "SIR YES, SIR!" And he took on the deadliest mission in his blacktop military career... screwing on a lightbulb with claws and no-opposable thumbs. "FOR AMERICAAAAAAAAAA!" "That''s the way, son! Go get that son of a b*tch flourescent bulb! OORAH!" (21) Marine Father, Western Daughter
¡°You don¡¯t have to love me.¡± ¡°Papa. Why are you crying?¡± It was the Wild West, but not by choice. By some strange phenomenon and future time lapse, there was a Time Machine that suddenly appeared in this era. The one who witnessed this sight was a simple farm girl who was washing the cattle for her father. The reason why she was doing this by herself was because her father was out to town to buy some groceries for the nights dinner. If she didn¡¯t finish by the time he gets home, he would use his belt to improve her efficiency. Even though she was used to this, she still didn¡¯t like it. But she didn¡¯t understand why her papa was home so early and not using his belt. In fact, he looked different. He looked like a knight she would read in fairy tail. On his armor, she could see his name writte over his hear, along with another name. United States Marine Corp, 3rd Reconnaissance Battalion. ¡°Sweety, listen to me okay. I don¡¯t have much time to spare. I have to pursue a CIA agent gone rogue from my time who hijacked the time-leaping system to kill Abraham Lincoln three days earlier. I have to stop him before he messes up my timeline for some messed up political motive.¡± ¡°Papa. I don¡¯t understand. You never touched me like this before. You''re very soft and gentle. Did I do something wrong?¡± ¡°Honestly, my multiverse counterpart, what the H*ll have you been doing to my sweet little daughter!?¡± "Are you sick? Mama said not to drink moonshine from strangers. It will make you go loopy." ¡°...N-no. Sweety. I''ve given up the bottle a long time ago. I even go to Alcohol Anonymous for counselling too, I swear!... Never mind. F-frankly, I¡¯m not the same¡­ person, you normally see. But I still love you!¡± ¡°Papa, you¡¯re confusing me.¡± The little farm girl tilted her head at this man with the name United States Marine Corp labeled on his chest. The man in the modern looking knight armor with holographic headset and a futuristic rifle strapped to his back. The little girl was still confused about seeing her father dressed up like this, but he still continued regardless.The author''s content has been appropriated; report any instances of this story on Amazon. ¡°Listen to me, because I want to tell you something I didn¡¯t have the chance to tell you before¡­ Don¡¯t wear white, it makes you look plain. Plaid makes you look too round on screen, and you should grow out your hair. Boys dig the ponytail.¡± ¡°¡­ Okay.¡± ¡°And listen to your mom okay? Because daddy is always getting deployed to one country after another to fight evil Special Forces to save the world every day, we won¡¯t have time to visit you on your birthdays. But, I¡¯ll do my best to at least show up on your wedding, alright?¡± ¡°But papa, I¡¯m eight years old.¡± ¡°Trust me. When you work for the military, it takes years before you could properly see your family again. This isn¡¯t just working overseas as a hard working salary man situation. There is no such thing as ''taking the day off'' or ''calling sick'' when serving the United States Marine Corp. It''s why we uphold our motto of honor, courage, and commitment.¡± ¡°Hmm. Okay.¡± The little farm girl nodded. She was still holding onto the mop in her hands as her father in the futuristic armor held her by the small shoulder. ¡°¡­ I¡¯m sorry.¡± ¡°Papa?¡± ¡°I¡¯ve never been there when you always needed me. I couldn¡¯t even make it to your university graduation.¡± ¡°Papa, I¡¯m still eight.¡± ¡°I¡¯m sorry I rejected you when you told me you got a boyfriend.¡± ¡°Heh? I-I thought you scared off every boy in town from playing with me?¡± ¡°I¡¯m sorry I didn¡¯t accept you when you got pregnant.¡± ¡°¡­.. I am?¡± The little girl put a hand to her stomach. It was flat and soft. As if realizing this fact, the eight year old let out a sigh of relief. ¡°Phew. If Papa found out I had a baby without you knowing, Papa would punish me with your rake all day.¡± ¡°GOD-D@MN IT ALTERNATE ME!¡± Her father carrying the name of United Stated Marine Corp on his chest grabbed at his helmet with an unearthly scream. For some reason, he started to hate himself even more from whatever thoughts or possible imaginations he was experiencing in his mind only. ¡°¡­.Darling¡­ I¡¯m sorry¡­ Daddy loves you¡­ but you don¡¯t have to love me.¡± "¡­¡­¡­¡­¡­¡­¡­¡­¡­¡­¡­¡­¡­¡­¡­¡­¡­.¡± ¡°¡­.. I have to go now. I¡¯m already running late with a coordinate assault on the enemy forces from a foreign nation hijacking this timeframe. I''ve already broken every Time Walking Protocol known in the Department of Defense from doing this, but since the moment I saw you - I had to take this opportunity to tell you how I feel¡­¡­ It¡¯s my only chane to tell you now.¡± ¡°¡­¡­¡­¡­¡­¡­¡­¡­¡­¡­¡­¡­¡­¡­¡­¡­¡­¡± ¡°¡­¡­¡­¡­¡­¡­ Grow up to be a good girl, kay sweetheart?¡± ¡°¡­.. I love you papa.¡± The girl who didn¡¯t like having her father¡¯s belt touch her, suddenly said those words to the same-looking father who wore futuristic armor with the name of United States Marine Corp labeled over his heart. The man from another time frame broke down with a tight hug to someone who only looked like his daughter in appearance. He swore after this mission, he will visit her memorial back in his timeframe with lots of flowers. (22) SpaceGod and Acupuncture -------------------------------- "RUN!" "I clearly don''t understand the amalgamation of this setting!!" The setting was space. The reality''s motif was magic. How those two aspects were able to meld together into a single melting pot, God Knows. In the end, the protagonist still could not understand what dangerous situation she got herself into. Simply put, she was a Magical Girl who only wanted to see an Acupuncture. Fundamentally, she was a young spirited girl with super magical powers. Her job involves too much flying around with winged boots and beating up monsters on a daily basis.So of course her muscles and joints would be sore at the end of the day. The heroine ignored it at first, but over time the stress in her body increased. Now, she felt like she regretted running 26 miles for nothing. And she wasn''t trying to enter the Olympics or whatever. So without further ado, this is her story to cure muscle pain. "Wait! Wait! A-aren''t you an Acupuncturist!? H-how come you have a Celestial Shield!? Th-that''s a Legendary Class item solely meant to reflect evil laser beams only Demon King class bosses could use!" "I used to be an adventurer like you... until I had an arrow to the--" "Oh give me a break!" The Magical Girl felt vulnerable. Maybe it''s because she forcefully stripped herself bare to let the therapist pin needles all over the nerve points in her back. Maybe it''s because the acupuncture''s shop was blown open by a god from the Cthulhu Dark Space Mythos. Or the fact that these monster and men completely ignored a naked woman covered in only a 130 cm long beach towel. "Get back little girl. Let the doctor handle this this problem!" "You''re a therapist. Not a doctor. Even if you have a PhD in some other subject like Archaeology or even Biology, the meaning is not the same. Please clarify your title more!"Find this and other great novels on the author''s preferred platform. Support original creators! "Little girl. Do you want me to save you or let that tentacle beast have it''s way with your body?" "Don''t you dare lower that celestial shield!" The Therapist in question was a soldier. Or used to be. He once served in the Kingdom''s Marine Corp, deployed in missions to fight against the Orc Invasion, and to subjugate the uprising of the Gryphon Confederacy. Through his years of service, he eventually was chosen to be one of the Seven Numbered Heroes meant to destroy a space god that was planning to devour the Earth. Of course that was about 30 years ago. He''s retired now, with a wife and five children and a harpy pet (husband says pet, wife says mistress). After settling down, he took up acupuncture as a hobby--Er, occupation to raise his family, sending his children to college (military academy??). However, every now and then he would take the time to regale his patients of his heroic deeds, showing off his proud Celestial Shield that was always kept polished - twice a day. "HELLO!? MR. ACUPUNCTURE!? WHAT ABOUT ME!? I CAN STILL FEEL THE TENDONS TWISTING IN MY CALVES! NO MAN I SAVE WOULD LOOK AT ME AS IF MY LIMBS WERE TAKEN OVER BY AN ALIEN PARASITE!" "In a minute little girl. This grown up has to demolish this mimic of an Azathoth that crushed his store. Do you not know how much retirement money I put into building this 5 by 10 meter shack!?" "And do you not know how many piggy banks I had to murder just to pay for the first phase of this treatment! Either get rid of that thing in 10 seconds or figure out a method to cure my chronic pain! I only have a certain time lot booked for you before another monster of the day takes over another innocent girl with another broken heart!" "Seriously. Kids today worry too much about their d*mn money." "That''s because we don''t have ongoing pensions that could cover all of your living expenses through your 100+ year life time. Frankly, it p*sses me off my job as a Magical girl don''t have benefits like medical or even a dental plan!" The Magical girl in only a towel felt ticked off. Her body joints were starting to act up again, and it was to the point where she definitely needed to rely on therapy just to function. Like a nurse or caregiver with 30+ years of experience, all those daring movements were slowly catching up to their backs and wrists. Also, the heroine was worried if her years of savings would be thrown into the void that was the mouth of this Mimic-Azathoth creature. "... Mr. Acupuncture. Please do something." "One second. Celestial Shield, release your might and punish the evil! HOLY BARRIER MIRROR FORCE! BASHAAAA!" "I''m serious. E-even if you tell me to save yourself, my body is starting to lock up from Arthritis! I''ll just scream every time I move an shoulder, wrist, or elbow - so hiding is not an option for me!" "Seriously, kids are so annoying this time period." "Well 90% of your clients are people aging from 14 ¨C 20 that are chosen to save the god-d*mn universe full of ungrateful b*tches who toss garbage on the street everyday! Please deal with it!" "BACK TO THE PITS THAT SPAWNED YOU DEMON! UNITED SHIELDS OF--" "ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME!?" The life of a hero was always hard work. Whether you were a man in tights, masked rider, magical girl, or even a Navy SEALs or US Marine, the job description always came with long-term negatives. Please check your health coverages. (21) Grandfathers Magic Experience -------------------- "It''s too warm." "Sorry grandpa. I don''t know how to control fire that well. I''ll practice more." This was a lovely story of a grandfather being visited by his beloved granddaughter. The setting was just his regular home, a small three story mansion that used to support a family of seventeen. Yes, this narrator said seventeen. Now, in this modern times, it supported only one man, the Grandfather himself. His wife''s photo was on the kitchen counter top, the image of a college girl wrapping her soft arms around an elderly man (pl-plastic surgery!?). Times have changed, and life has moved on its own course. ... By the way, did he take his medications yet? "Grandpa, you''re not paying attention. You''ll miss my trick to summon water with this pencil." "S-sorry, sweetie. Grandpa''s mind isn''t as sharp as it used to be. Honestly, I used to shoot down Sopwith Camels with a single rifle round. Now I can''t even read the letters in the local sports paper." "What''s a Sopwith?" "It''s a very old plane sweetie. And the pride of the British Empire, oh-ho-ho." "I didn''t know Camels can fly." "N-no. Camels don''t fly. Or at least, not in the First Great War." "But I saw my classmate from Cairo come to school on a flying camel. He calls it Winn-Dixie" "Son of a b*tch, this modern magic is too much for me!" "???" The little granddaughter with pigtails tilted her head at her grandfather''s flustered remark. Indeed, times has changed. From the days of gasoline and electricity, it rapidly shifted from smartphones to the development of modern magic technology. Now a days, there were many products designed with an arcane motor to release magical particles and conduct a pre-programmed spell. For example, there were projectors that could make physical holograms; electric fans that release ice as if straight from Antarctica; carpets that were swifter and easier to control than the formerly popular one-wheels or hoverboards. Right now, the little girl who looked no older than six years old brought to her Grandfather the most widely used magic device. Love this story? Find the genuine version on the author''s preferred platform and support their work! Pencil Crayons, each able to produce an element based on the color on its body. Drawing Water, Shading Fire, and Sketching Earth could never be easier (#ShamelessAdvertisement). "Oh!? S-Sweetie! Sweetie! H-how did you make that puppy dog out of earth! HOLY SH*T! it''s moving like a real animal!" "It''s a golem, grandpa. My teacher just taught us that yesterday. It''s easier when I use this brown crayon to make enough Earth to build the body. Isn''t it cute? I want to call it Schrodinger." "A-as much as I want to praise your aesthetics, i-it still looks like the drawing of a 5 year old. A-and isn''t the title Schrodinger usually tagged with an unfortunate cat!?" "Uuuuh. Grandpa is making fun of me. Sob." "N-no. O-of course not! I would never do that, not even to the enemies of our nation!" The grandfather who had survived all three world wars to this day, killing enemy with combat knives and silenced pistols, even crawling behind enemy lines to take out high value targets ¨C was starting to get anxious when his darling granddaughter prepared to cry. The way she puffed her cheeks like an angry hamster was too much for his frail heart. "S-seriously. Magic is too convenient these days. Even children can call on a dragon to fly them to school. No fair, when I was your age we always walk 5 miles to the nearest school. Even now the military has these goggles that could detect magical particles and developed anti-magic plasma shields. Th-this new leap in science is too much for the brain of a Baby Boomer!" "Grandpa. Don''t pull out your hair or you''ll lose the rest of it." "L-let me have my moment sweetie. Grandpa''s mental capacity can''t handle this situation!" The Granddaughter pouted like an angry hamster again. She had hoped to visit her grandpa to show off her new magic spells which she learned from elementary school. In the end, she had to listen to the Grandfather complain about how magic was ''too'' wonderful from his perspective. "... I''m sorry sweetie. Grandpa''s forgot to take this medications. He''s okay now. Please continue." "Grandpa ignored me." "N-no! Don''t cry! P-p-please show me another trick! Hurry! Hurry!" The ex-special forces man that was now a Grandfather did his best to keep his beloved granddaughter from bawling. Once she got the water works going, they''ll never stop. They''ll keep going until his son, her father, comes to his home to pick her up. The Grandfather knew too well, their relationship was already stuck on the rocks of Cape Horn. Should the child''s parent witness this pitiful sight, the image of a battleship the size of the USS Gerald R. Ford firing all guns came across the mind. The ex-special forces turned grandparent was the direct target. "... Sniff... Okay. But you have to pay attention grandpa! I worked very hard to make this spell work." "Y-yes. Yes! Th-this grandfather who used to shoot enemy soldiers from 2000 yards with a single bullet shall watch my darling grandchild carefully!!" "... I''m over here grandpa." "SON OF B*TCH GLAUCOMA!" After the Grandfather calmed down, and finally put on his reading glasses, he paid direct attention to his granddaughter. "1. 2. 3. Hocus Pocus!" "... Heh!? That plain!?" An accident happened. The little girl used the wrong verbal and hand motion command to conduct her spell. So instead of using a white crayon to turn her teddy bear into a beautiful pony¡ª ¡ªShe suddenly grew up to be a 16 year old princess... who was kidnapped by her rag doll that turned into a Wicked Witch. "....GRANDPAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!" "UNHAND MY GRANDDAUGHTER, YOU GOD-D@MN OLD CROON!" And so the man who: survived all three world wars; couldn''t even understand the sudden leap of magical technology; and kept forgetting to take his medications ¨C sprung out of his battered wheel chair to go on a wild adventure to rescue his beloved granddaughter. His treasured M1 Garand as his sword and a Trench Shovel as his shield. "MAGIC! FLYING CAMELS! RAG DOLL WITCHES, I DON''T GIVE A SH*T! YOU NEVER, EVER - EVER - MESS WITH THE GRANDCHILD OF THE UNITED STATES MARINE CORP! OOAAAAAAAAAAH!" South of the border - still not in h*ll. (22) The Normal Debate between an Elf Girl and a Magical Girl Happy All Hallow''s Eve! ~~GreenFlame000
¡°Like I said before, it has to beGenghis Khan!¡± ¡°No, no, no. You should choose someone who would add spice to your life. My vote is on Wolfgang Amaeus Mozart!¡± There was an argument, in a regular university school. No matter what this narrator try to describe, say, or portray with metaphors and similes, the setting was indeed a regular local university any highschool child could go. Students there were allowed to leeched off of free wi-fi, get good coffee, and skip classes despite paying for them. A completely normal university. The people taking part in the argument were completely normal as well. However they look abnormal, out of place even. Yet, no one seemed to care how elaborate they looked. ...Please don¡¯t misunderstand. It was Halloween Day. The two girls were dressed as an Elf Knight Girl straight from a Tolkien novel and the other is fluffy Magical Girl who convention goers would stop to take pictures with. West meets East... or, the other way around so to speak. Ahem. Ignoring their beautiful cosplay, they had an important debate over their physics and biology homework (both study separate subjects). As if taking turns going around the long table to receive opinionsand feedback in a Parliament discussion - The Elf Knight girl spoke first. ¡°I like a strong man who will take charge in my life, but be unpredictable in a way that it wouldn''t be boring to live with for the rest of my life. That¡¯s why I would want Ghenghis Khan as my possible husband if he were alive, plus do you not see his legs in his paintings. Wow, they¡¯re definitely ripped from all that horseback archery in his prime. D*mn, I''m still getting hot from thinking about it.¡± ¡°Listen Miss Elf, listen. You want unpredictability, you should stick with Mozart. Yes, sure he makes great music that had survived through 200 years and is still excellent, but you wouldn¡¯t know that he loved to fool around with hi cousin, and hold lavish parties every night.¡± ¡°¡­How is this helping your case?¡± ¡°What I¡¯m trying to suggest is that Mozart is a great lover, regardless of taboos, and he would be great to host a party. I mean, give him some time to catch up on hip hop and surely he¡¯ll make something worth the beat. Best of all, if you want to paint your new house blue, red, and violent orange - he''ll definitely say yes without a second thought.¡±You could be reading stolen content. Head to Royal Road for the genuine story. ¡°¡­Why do I have a feeling you¡¯re implying a forbidden relationship with your brother.¡± ¡°D-don¡¯t drag my brother into this. He¡¯s a good man, he can be lonely, and he¡¯s cute when you startle him and¡­¡­Anyway, back to the topic at hand!¡± The fluffy Magical Girl waved her gloved hands around to try and change the route of this argument back on course. The way she moved her palms, were like wiping a damp cloth on a window. D*mn, this spot won¡¯t come out! As if taking in the information of the counter argument, the university student dressed up as a beautiful Elf Knight Girl thought it over. ¡°¡­¡­Hmm¡­ Maybe notGenghisKhan. The more I think about how bloody his history was, I surely don¡¯t want be the real version of Lady MacBeth. Maybe I should choose another historical figure to be my husband.¡± ¡°How about King Henry the Fifth?¡± ¡°Are you nuts? Sure he¡¯s rich to the point where he kicked out the Church from his country to replace it with his own homemade one, you do remember what happened to his wife, right?¡± ¡°Was it the one who fought for the English people against the French Oppression during WW1, and think she is the maiden of god? ... Or are you talking about the one who p*ssed everyone off when she told them to eat cake and candy instead of bread?¡± ¡°You¡¯re conflating Mary Antoinette and Joan D¡¯Arc for the wrong historical time frame! And the latter¡¯s history was completely reversed!¡± ¡°What about Boudica? She¡¯s kind of cute, even when she was fighting off the Romans from invading early Britain. How about her for a potential historical husband?¡± ¡°I¡¯m a woman.¡± ¡°Come now, in this day and age, especially in this country, we have no judgment on those matter. Love whoever you want, whenever you want, however way you want.¡± ¡°H-hey, Cosplay Fanatic, d-don¡¯t make me sound like I would spread my arms and legs just for any man and woman I meet on the street. I-I¡¯m not that kind of girl!¡± ¡°Says the Tolkien Obsessed fan girl.¡± ¡°LORD OF THE RINGS IS THE BEST THING THAT HAPPENED IN MY LIFE! DON¡¯T TARNISH IT¡¯S PRIDE WITH YOUR WEIRD AND SENSLESS ANIME PHILOSOPHY!¡± ¡°WHAT DID YOU SAY ABOUT MY HEAVENLY CULTURE YOU RAT ELF B************TCH!¡± ¡°RAINBOW CROSSDRESSER!¡± ¡°COSPLAYER! COSPLAYEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEER!¡± Although the setting was a simple regular local university anyone could find in their hometown, filled with regular students leeching of of free wi-fi, buying goof coffee, and skipping classes they paid for...it wasn¡¯t every day students would see a beautiful Elf Knight Girl and a fluffy Magical Girl having a lovely catfight in the middle of the library commons. ¡°GYAAAAAH! YOU ORC LOVING WH*RE! L-LET GO OF MY WIG! I PAID 1,000,000,000 YEN TO BE CUSTOM MADE FROM JAPAN!¡± ¡°NYAAAAH! M-MY EARS! TH-THEY¡¯RE STILL GLUED ONTO THE FAKE ONES, UNHAND ME! UNHAND ME YOU WEEAABUUUUUUUU!!¡± Happy Halloween. Don''t eat too much candy or the Dentist will frown. Season Two Poll - (Place your Bets!) Hello everyone, I am GreenFlame000!... N-no, I''m not a bot. I''m a Canadian Bunny (^x^)v. Thank you for your heart warming votes and your thoughtful comments. I really appreciate the time and dedication you have shared with me and these small chapters that were created. Truly Thankful. Please, feel free to laugh, as loud as you can from these words created from a Random Generator. Don''t be afraid if people look at your wierd. Life can be busy, we sometimes forget how to laugh. Be sure to remember the skill involved in letting your feelings out, and pass it onto your future children.The author''s content has been appropriated; report any instances of this story on Amazon. If it could help to turn your day from darkness to light with a single smile, it would bring great honor to my bunny heart. Take care and have fun...B-but please don''t be reckless like a Demolition Officer who loves their job. ~~GREEN FLAME! (23) Mermaid of Plastic? -- (#NationalGeographic)
"G-gheegguu!?" "I told you to stop sucking on the bottles you d*mn mermaid! Now look, you''re choking again!" It was a mess. After 10 000 years, there had come a time in history where every denizen of the oceanic folklore were fed up with what humanity has done to their homeland. First, the relentless crossing of one continent to the other; next debris from centuries worth of naval warfare kept falling down at their doorstep; and not to mention the whole fiasco with Iron Battleships squabbling with U-Boats in both Global Warfare. Now, plastic bottles and plastic cr*p that could outclass five USS Gerard R. Ford aircraft carrier? This - was the last f**king straw. It was time for a major protest from the ocean mythics. "G-geugg! I-it''s l-lodged i-in my g-gills! C-can''t, g-get it out. Gaaaasp!" "How many times do I have to tell you, that isn''t a toy for us ocean folk to be playing around with. God d*mm it, I thought mermaids are smarter than this. You are the last mythical species I would expect to be putting random sh*t in their mouths! Do you have a fetish or something!?" To summarize, every known creature, individual, or spiritual entity representing in folklore and mythology had marched up from the abyss of the sea, out of their safe realm of hiding. Just so they could start picking up the tons and tons of plastic bottles, plastic bags, plastic containers, plastic beer can rings, and whatever plastic junk that gagged their ocean. An oil spill was one matter. God-level water entities could deal with it by breaking down the molecular bonds of the oils and converting them into the soil. Debris from dead iron ships from 1914 and 1939 could also be digested by the using spells to accelerate the salinity in the sea to eat away metal and render them into harmless coral reefs for fishes. They also make great homes for young ocean mythos who attempt to ran away from home. Sometimes as a secret base or something, but that''s a story left for another Pantheon to worry about. But the fact there is enough plastic waste that could essentially invade a country the size of Germany, this was more than their oceanic culture could handle. "D-d-don''t pull! D-don''t pull! Th-the bottle''s hooked onto my maxilla and hyomandibular! I-it''s pulling my ejectable lips to a length I don''t want it to reach! I-it''s going to become stretched and saggy! Gugaagh!" "What are you a f**king Bull Trout!? Stop complaining and hold still! I don''t know how you got this thick bottle down your narrow throat, and neither do I want to know what you were thinking while doing so, but just shut up and breath! Don''t make a Selkie do manual labour to this extent!" The situation right now was to the point where all lines are drawn. Even the Greek Sea God Poseidon and Hindu Goddess Samudra were storming up and down the beach head, stabbing into one plastic 6L jug after another. All the while cursing in their archaic language to effectively hex plastic companies as we speak (warning: consider career change now). There were hundreds of different mythological creatures and beings from different lore, culture, and religion. Normally, this mass gathering from different faith and pantheons would be a preview to a new global war among deities. Normally. However it wasn''t the case. The European Mermaids, Scottish Ashrays, Indian Apsara, Pacific Sharkmen, Greek Scylla, Norwegian Nypmhs, Scandinavian Backahasten, Australian Bunyip, Chessie the lake monster from Chesapeake Bay, Japanese Kappa and Snow Women, Nimue the Lady of the Lake from Avalon Britain, and so much more were working together to clean up the trash left behind by humanity. Even a Kraken volunteered to help out in the collection duty. It was converted into a makeshift sorting depot, in order to categorize the different types of plastic bottles, jugs, and containers for more efficient processing. If these mythological creatures were going out of their way to work, they might as well get paid for it by shipping the tons of plastic bottles to recycling depots. The final paycheque won''t be much (cent by cent), but it''s better than nothing. Some Shintos from secluded temples in Japan hope to bring back some pocket money to deposit into their offering boxes (#DonateToJapanGods). "Cough. Cough. B-break. I-I need a break. Gg-geghg." "There is no point in having a 10 minute break if you''re going to lose oxygen in the next 2 minutes! So open your mouth wider you idiot! The bottle is lodged in your esophagus too tight! Loose your jaw, or I''ll dislocate it myself!" Among the hundreds of mythological beings trying to sort out the inexcusable garbage left by years of humanity, there was a peculiar couple. No, they were not lovers. One was a Mermaid, the other was a Selkie (a seal woman of Gaelic Lore). They seemed to be arguing, pulling at each other''s hair. When really, the Selkie spent the last half hour trying to rip out a bottle that was lodged in the Mermaid''s small throat. No, this was not an innuendo. At the 40 minute mark, the bottle had successfully been removed. "Bugyaaahggaa...Aaaah...M-my gills can breath again! O-oxygen feels so good! S-sorry, I-I couldn''t help it. Th-the new plastic bottles reminded me of the glass ones where my lover would put love notes inside and toss it into the ocean...I miss him so."This text was taken from Royal Road. Help the author by reading the original version there. "Liar. You''re only say that because you''re really a kleptomaniac and you want to keep it as part of your collection full of other human junk. Hence why you tried to hide it from the others by shoving it down your trout like throat." "............... Tch. I''ve been figured out." "The fact that you''re still a worthless virgin tells it all." "D-don''t make fun of me! All the other mermaids have already gave it up for sailors and nobles lost at sea! I-I''ll one day rise among their ranks and be queen among those fat tunas!" "Sigh. Mermaids are such a pain." "Said the Selkie who ditched her husband." "H-hey! L-let me remind you, h-he tricked me first! H-he stole my seal skin, j-just so he could force me to marry him. I-if it weren''t for my children telling me where he hid my precious skin, I would have never found freedom. " ".........Then wouldn''t that mean you abandon your own flesh and blood." "F**k. I never thought about that." The Selkie turned different colors. First a deep red hue when she recalled of her first night with her ''husband''. Then she turned blue when she remember the sad faces of her children as she bid them farewell before diving into the ocean. Then white... because there still was a law amongst mythological beings regarding about Child Abuse Prevention and Treatment. There have been open files the stack of phonebooks among those with a Greek lore origin. The last thing she wanted was to be the first Gaelic creature to be charged with child neglect. "I-I still visit them every year, o-on their birthdays! A-and I still give them pearls and sunken treasure on their birthday. I-I''ve planned for their future, I gave them enough pocket money in case they decided to go to college and run away from that alcoholic father of theirs!" "Yes, yes, yes. We all know Selkies are good mothers but irresponsible wives. They are brave enough to abandon their own flesh and blood just to be away from the man who took advantage of her." "Keep talking and I''ll shove this harpoon up your @ss." "Wait! Th-that''s a weather vane dragged in from a recent storm! Uwoooh! Th-there''s one too many arrows poking out, it will rip through my pyloric caeca for sure! A-and I know for sure that metal plate resembling a land bird will not fit in my body!" The Mermaid tried to avoid the upcoming invasion by hurriedly stuffing whatever plastic junk she could grab and shoving them into a bubble. She was using her magic to form hydrostatic pressure around the globe of this orb she rolled around like a lazy baby panda. Whenever she found something that was essentially neither crustaceans or shellfish, she would put it inside to be disposed of later at the Kraken sorting depot... Essentially, it was a magical garbage bag. All the while, the Selkie woman took out her frustration by stabbing into the different bottles and jugs with her traditional ornamental pitchfork. In three strikes, she was able to collect more junk than a band of Boy or Girl Scouts working in the community. Don''t tell them the numbers, or else they''ll lose confidence and cry. "Stupid. Cheating. Bastards. Seed laying. @sholes. Whore-loving. Backstabbers!" "Uwaaaa. I-I''m worried if she''s imaging the most vulnerable part of a man''s body every time she stabs those bottles. Uwa-uwa-uwa." Everyone was busy, across the coast that spanned miles after miles. If one shore facing East wasn''t enough there were many more water spirits and ocean creatures already clearing up the West, and North Coast. The South was already covered by local animal spirits from various Aboriginal Folklore, so there was zero conflict in terms of distribution of work. This epidemic with plastic waste had been going on for too long. The Ocean denizens all swore to never get involved with the affairs of humans, to keep their society hidden... but after 3000 years, they couldn''t stand this annoyance any more. What really got them off their metaphorical Barcaloungers, is when humankinds'' new plastic containers for distilled water and food sunk to the bottom of the ocean floor. Young ocean mythos can''t go out and play in the seabed anymore without something falling on their heads. Even baby mermaids put all sorts of stuff in their mouths. Think about their mythological children, humanity! "GEGGHGEGG!?" "The H*ll! Stop stuffing random sh*t in your mouth you idiot Tuna! You''re throat isn''t a storage unit! Do you think you''re actually a Pelican!?" "Gge-geeggg! D¡ªDaassaan...Daaaasssnnn... G-geuggg!" Once more the Mermaid was found choking on another bottle for distilled water. This one was fancier than the rest as it resembled sparkling champagne bottles, only sold for less than 10 dollar a piece in the local grocer. With fine engravings, fancy handwriting style print, and labeled with numbers like 1867 or 1912... ... The Mermaid spent her possible last moments on the ocean shore, trying to write the name of the culprit that suffocated her. With bad calligraphy, the symbols look like D-A-S-A-N...No. There was no ''I'' in the writing. "...Sigh. Fish girl, roll over. Spread your body as well, and keep your legs down." "I-I''m nggege n-not a dog-gg! A-and I don''t ta-take it in this geeegg¡ªposition! Gasp! Cough! Gag!" The Selkie woman, at the very least, was a considerate mythological creature. Seeing how the beautiful mermaid repeated her silly mistakes once more, there was no other choice than to volunteer her help again and save this poor creature. Maybe she felt pity, because of the recent population decline among merpeople... it could be the fact they breed outside of their race, but that detail was left for the Oceanic Mythological Population Census to deal with, not us. Still, she wasn''t a doctor, nor a surgeon, and pulling the bottle that was already half way down the Mermaid''s esophagus (normal like humans) was a no go. So she used a very simple strategy. The Selkie stomped on the Mermaid''s beautiful stomach.
Selkie Style CPR. Do not attempt without Professional Selkie Supervision.
"GUBYAGGUUGG!" A certain plastic bottle was launched into the air, with the same Newtonian Physics supporting a water rocket. "Tch. I''m not a bad parent you know. I taught my two half human children how to save others whenever they choke on their food. It''s essential to survive in this world dominated by irresponsible idiots." "...Aag...aguuuga...M..more. P-punish me more! ???" "GEH!? WHAT THE F**K, ARE ALL OF YOU MERMAIDS A MASOCHIST!? D-DON''T HUG MY LEG LIKE THAT WITH HEARTS ALL OVER YOUR EYES YOU RECKLESS MERMAID!! I-IT''S SCARING THIS SELKIE! L-LET GO OF ME YOU SLIMY BOTTLE SUCKING TUNA FIIIIIIIIIIISH!" In the end, the beaches were clean once again. With every mythological hand on deck, the shores of every continent looked like it was born right from the prehistoric ages. What would take humankind thousands of years to complete, was done in a day and fortnite by the hands of mythological deities and creatures. ...But we all know, it only takes the Summer Holidays to fill the pure beaches back with plastic cr*p again...Sigh. (24) An Elf Queens Confession to a Dark Emperor ¡°Sigh, I give up.¡± ¡°The f**k!? A-aren¡¯t you the hero in this situation!?¡± It was a fantasy world, albeit with some alternations and a modentwist every now and then. The world was at war, between the holy elves and the dark orcs (typical) and everything was in a major deadlock of good versus evil. In the final battle scene where the Elves united with their Dwarven and Human rivals to vanquish the army of Orcs, Goblins, and Ogres, the pinnacle of the conflict was taken up to the tallest point of the tallest mountain in the tallest part of the world. The showdown on Mount Doomsday. One hero and one villain of each respective faction were present. An Elf Lady and an Orc Man. No matter how big the army was, no matter how many men they had alive to see this war through, the final results came from whoever was the last standing in this epic boss duel. And the second this fight to the death began¡­ the victor was decided. ¡°I-I can¡¯t help it. I-I¡¯ve always had a thing for horsewhip. N-now please do your worse onto my body, Demon King?!¡± ¡°Hold up! Hold up! Don¡¯t tell me the leader of the Holy Elliance is a woman who gets high from receiving intense damages! Wh-where is that undaunting pride you Elves carry on your chest!?¡± ¡°Yes. My weakpoints are the tips of my globes! If you are to clamp them in a deadly vice, I suggest using wooden pins! They feel more comforting than the teeth on the plastic ones.¡± ¡°Are you listening to me, you deplorable Elf Queen!? I may be a man, I may be the one who stands above everything that is evil and benign - but I''m not into that kind of play!¡± On the tallest plateau of the tallest mountain in the tallest part of the world, the Emperor of the Orc Coalition and the Queen of the Holy Elven Alliance were the only ones present in this last fighting stage of the century. They were armed with a giant spear that functions as a horsewhip and a slim crossbow that functions as a heavy gatling gun. It was only five seconds into the fight, yet the Queen was suddenly on her knees. No, she didn¡¯t admit defeat at the last twisted second. Neither was she bowing over from the sheer intimidating powers of this Orc Emperor. Simply put, this woman was a masochist?. ¡°Go ahead and be rough with me?. I¡¯ve been through worse. Surviving the first wave of swords from 1000 Willow Crabs didn¡¯t even put me in a pleasurable mood. Sigh.¡± ¡°Holy sh*t! Just how bored are you to go to such extremes to excite yourself!?¡± ¡°You don¡¯t understand! The stress as a queen who rules over 10 major races and 30 other colonial lands is too much! With my duties and responsibilities, there was no time for my husband and I do this and that like what other newlyweds would do day in and day out. Now that the old codger has reaced his maximum age, he left me in a state of incredible frustration!!... I-I don''t even have a child to fawn over lovingly to relief my stress as a royal housewife...Sob." ¡°Th-that last bit of detail is too much to stomach! E-even if I am th-the Emperor of all Orcs. An-and don''t cry! It not only makes you Elves look weak, i-it''s making me feel very uncomfortable!!" It seemed the epic final battle was coming to a bit of a stand-still. The fury of war may be going on in full blaze at the base of Mount Doomsday, but the hero and villain who ledboth factions were having trouble in continuing their climatic fight scene. It was like an actor who forgot their line andwere frozen until someone in the back of the stage whispered a prompt to them. It was¡­ that awkward, really. ¡°Tell you what. I¡¯ll become you slave and you can do whatever you want to me?!!¡± ¡°Stop! Th-this isn¡¯t just divulging yourself into personal pleasure!! Th-this is a war! A conflict of political interested and global domination!Y-you represent one side of this world''s coin and I stand on the other side. If you were to submit to me, essentially you¡¯ve submitted your entire alliance to my forces!¡± ¡°To be frank. This isn''t really my war. Once my husband withered away, his court officials kept nagging at me to wage an all out war against your kind. I honestly have zero interest in playing along with their game of thrones, all they wanted was to conquer your lands and smooch off of your rich ore mines..." "Th-then...then why are you standing on this epic combat stage t-to face me, th-the final boss... Hey! Pay attention and stop playing around with your gatling sword as if it were a gold club! Respect your holy weapons!" "Well... at first I really didn''t care. Even without my word, the officials spread rumors and gossip that eventually led the whole kingdom up in arms to be gung-ho... I''m not even the leader of this United Holy Offensive, I''m just the poster girl used by my council to raise morale." "Wh-why then? Why did you trouble yourself to smash through all 100 of my defenses!? Not only did you crush an entire column of my strongest orcs and neutered my team of shock-ogres... Wh-what reason are you facing me?" "...I''ve heard many stories about you, Mr. Orc Emperor. In how you are rough with the Elven Women you''ve captured and enslave. Oooh, the juicy intellignece reports I received knowing the inhuman methods you use to break pure and innocent maidens to become nothing more than mindless dolls melting with overflowing joy for your carnal pleasure... You''re totally my type!?" "W-wait!! Wh-why are you licking your lips!? I-I hate to admit it, but those violent stories you hear about me are not true! I-it''s all part of the propoganda to r-rile the fighting spirits of my brethren! I-if they find out I-I haven''t even touched a girl''s hand, they''ll surely cause a nation wide mutiny against me! Not to mentoin, my own Orc father would definitely strangle me!" ".......Well then...You can truly make them proud after you have you way with me?. Fu-fu-fu. Don''t worry, you can use whatever cruel punishment on my body. Wooden horse, iron maiden, stone press, rope web---I have every confidence in my many buffs and bonuses that keep my health points above zero. Rest assured?" "Holy mother of¡ªA-are you actually drooling from the messed up fantasies in your mind!?" "Yes???!" "TH-THE F**K! DON''T SQUEAL LIKE THAT WITH HEARTS IN YOUR EYES! I-IT WOULD MAKE ME LOOK BAD!" The Orc Emperor took a devastating blow to his brain. The attack came in so hard, it made his giant bare feet stagger on the rough obisidian floor covered in ashes from the thousands of volanoes raging around them in the background. He almost dropped his spear that had the power to turn into a horsewhip, but was able to recover at the last minute to brace for another assault. Please note, the Elf Queen had done nothing but stare at him like a cat to a can of salmon. A small wet puddle was forming between her legs, and it kept falling from her mouth open in sparkling awe.If you discover this tale on Amazon, be aware that it has been unlawfully taken from Royal Road. Please report it. "Please, Mr. Emperor, whip me with your love!" "NEIN! I-I do not consent in taking part in such a violent mating ritual!" "Surely you must use that hot spear of yours on all the girls you''ve captured!" "NYET! I told you, all those stories about our prisoners are false! The princesses and villagers are still halfway through their five-star spa session as we speak, with extra manicure! Besides, everything you heard about Orcs being monsters in heat isn''t real... We''re sterile!" ".......Heh?" "I said it, alright! We Orcs are sterile as f**k! We have zero libido, because of that all of our hormones are investing into making our bodies bigger to become more intimidating! Th-the only way we could have more little orcs is conduct this expensive ritual where we pull out more copies of us from another plane...There! I said it! A thousand year old secret, are you happy now!?" "............................................." ".......Well? S-Say something you ridiculous heroine!" "...Hmm... I am the Queen of the Holy Alliance, with more magical benefits than most girls... Who knows, maybe with my stats we could smash through whatever barrier your Orc DNA has and mix our genetics ot bring about a new baby half-elf orc child! So what do you say, will you take me as your slave?" ¡°ARE YOU F**KING LISTENING TO F**K OBSESSED ELF!?¡± ¡°Of course I am! I¡¯ve endured enough listening at my lazy royal courts who only struggle to acquire power. Even if it¡¯s your forces we should be dealing with, they choose to back stab each other zealously. Essentially, it¡¯s no different than stubbing their own toes!! I''ve had enough of their garbage!¡± "Which exactly brings me back to the main problem at hand! Poster girl or not, you represent the Holy Alliance as a whole! If you willingly bend over to me now, means your entire nation is bending over to me... H-how selfish can you be!?" "...............S...Selfish? Selfish? Right, because all I ask is to be loved like any other woman with an open and honest heart! But no, that old man I call my husband rather spend his youth in bedding other queens and princesses, even a f**king farm girl who works at our castle''s stable - but never me! NEVER ME! YOU''RE A MAN, DO I LOOK UGLY TO YOU!? DO I NOT LOOK APPEASING TO YOU!? IS THAT WHY EVEN YOU DON''T WANT ME AS A LOVE SLAVE! F**K! F**K! FFF.......F***********K!" A loud smashing sound could be heard, reminiscinant of a great sword swinging down to crash through the iron shield of an enemy. It had every intent of cracking open even the world''s crust in order to truly deliver the killing blow. ...When really, it was the sound of a certain crossbow gatling being slammed into the obsidian stage. The Orc Emperor would watch it bounce uselessly across the ground, into three even pieces, and count the magical bullets falling out of its ripped guts. All the while, a certain Elf Queen curled up on the floor... weeping like a sullied woman. "I don''t understand...Even if my husband married me so he could acquire the magical technology of my people; even if he told me sweet nothings to break my cold exterior to make me fall head over heels; even I am his Queen...... why won''t he bother holding my hand...am I asking for too much?" "..............................." "......Is it because I''m an Elf... and he''s a human... that the stigma is still there.......Yes, we were at war with each other, but that was eons ago before the world heard it''s first name... we should have overcame those racial boundaries years before yet....... Why, the moment we finished out wedding vows, he would keep glaring at me with such deep scorn in his eyes..... those samesapphires eyes I once fell in love with....Aaaauuuuh....aaauuuhh...." "................................................................ This is messed up." The Elf Queen didn''t hear the Orc Emperor''s off-handed comment. She was too busied burying her face into her hands covered in armor and bridal gauntlets. Thick streams of tears leaked through the cracks in her fingers and made the puddle between her knees even bigger. Every time she sniffed back her pain, it only returned with a floodingvengeance. On that epic combat stage that would decide the fate of the world, the Elf Queen gave up and cried. The true wound that crippled her was not dealt onto her body... buther heart that was wrapped inbitter chains. "..................... Even with all these volcanoes around us, it''s still cold at this high altitude... Here..." "Aawaaa." The Elf Queen made a sound through her sobbing. Something akin to a girl being startled when somethingfell to coil around her small shoulders. Something big, something... warm. A deep red velvet cape, befitting of a dark lord. ".....Sniff... Won''t you be cold? You''re not wearing anything but an armored loincloth..." "I''m an Orc, so I''ll be fine. I have enough body fat to keep my internal organs well insulated. Besides, my frame is too big, I can''t wear a regular shirt like humans do. Sigh." The leader of the Holy Alliance was open to any and all attacks. Her fighting spirit was shattered only five seconds after the fight began. Anyone could deal a kiling blow to her body and claim total victory over her army.The Orc Emperor who rulves over his dark breed of fellow Orcs, Goblins, Gremlins, Ogres, and the like saw this clear opening... And decided to take it and¡ª "Uwaah. You''re tummy is incredibley soft!! L-like a giant marshmallow!...I-is it okay for me to rest my head on it?" "...I-it''s emberassing when you say it out loud but... sure..." ¡ªStabbed his spear into the ground, sat down onto the obsidian floor, and allowed the Elf Queen wrapped up in his imperial cape to rest her small head on his bulging stomach. Period. "... I don''t mean to be rude but... you smell very nice." "I uphold personal hygiene above all else... Although, my father would slash me with his war axe if he knew how much shampoo and cologne Iuse behind his back. Sigh." "..........And it''s very warm... your cape... it feels so fluffy..." "It''s made from the pelt of a fire wolf. It has a lot of defenses against fire and lightning magic. I was expecting to fight your top-ranking Flame Mage who kept saying she will be the one to defeat me as your champion." "Hmm? Oh that bratty pyromaniac? Sigh. She kept stalling me from reaching you directly, so I took care of her." "I-isn''t that friendly fire!?" "No. I said I''ll give her a massage for good luck, and pinched her nerve to knock her out." "Oh! The Vulcan Neck Pinch! Kudos!" For some reason, the Heroine and Villain punched each other... knuckle to knucle. It had some sort of meaning for a reason unclear to this narrator. "... I hate this world... makes me want to up and transmigrate somewhere else. Live a peaceful life... maybe retire on an island and raise llamas or something." "I agree. The only reason why I''m forced to be the Emperor of the dark beings is because my father going senile. The last thing I want is our nation to collapse while he spirals into madness." "I''m sorry to hear that." "And I''m sorry you lost your husband." "Don''t talk about that seed-laying rat b@stard---WHO IS TOO CHICKEN TO TOUCH HIS OWN ELF WIFE!! MEN WOULD KILL TO HAVE A WOMAN OF MY BREED,RIGHT? RIIIIIGHT!? YOU''RE A MAN.DON''T YOU WANT TO HAVE YOUR OWN HOT ELF WIFE WITH BIG BOSOM SO YOU CAN PLAY AROUND WITH FROM DAY IN AND DAY OUT AND THEN SOME!? HAAAAAAH!?" "......I...I''m sterile so... I am not in the authority in terms of... such goals." "S...sorry. I didn''t mean to yell." "S''cool." "Uwaaa. So manly." The war at the base of Mount Doomsday continued to rage on. Both sides were pushing each other back and forth across a border that had little to no change as to who truly controlled it. The soldiers who flew the holy flags merely folored the orders of corrupt generals and polticians who strive to see ther own agenda come to full fruition. As the creature who flew the dark flags merely had nothing else better to do than to cause trouble for everyone. A mess, both inside and out. Something an honest leader would feel frustrated over seeing how ridiculous this farce is. "This war is ridiculous." "This war is ridiculous." "..................." "..................." ".....Hey...Mr. Orc Emperor... what''s your name?" "Gawain... after my favorite knight from a fairy tale I read when I was a wee lad." "... Would is spook you if my name was Morgan?" "Not the slightest." "............................................................Hey, Mr. Orc Emperor." "Yes, Miss Elf Queen?" "Want to elope?" In the end, the battle that was to decide the fate of the entire world came to an abrupt halt. Somewhere along the way, both armies received word they''ve lost their great leaders in a battle. News came back in fragments, everyone having their own spin of the epicclimaxon the top of Mount Doomsday. Some saythe hero and villain smashed their weapons with each other hard enough to destroy their bodies. Others tell of the rivetting story of either leader defeaing the other, but filled with remorse in killing a strong rival and decided to live the life of a hermit. On rare occassions, some people say they up and gave up the fight and eloped, but those rumors were shortly put to an end by the noose. ...What really happened to that Elf Queen and Orc Emperor... nobody knew... it was only about 100 years later after relative peace... a certain Elf Wife and an Orc Husband would return to their homeland after transmigrating to another reality. Two half-orc boys and one half-elf girl in their arms. "See, my little darlings. This is the mountain where Mommy first met Daddy. After that, he was super rough with me in all the right places. Tee-hee?." "A-are you sure you''re telling the story right, my dear? Y-you keep saying you wanted to be the M in the relationship, but ended up being the S... I-I think we should clear up the details behind our--" "Ignore daddy, my dear children. I love him, but he can be a delusional Orc Emperor some times." "I''m hurt! An-and to think I gave up my first time to a ridiculous former Elf Queen like you! In the end, I was the one to receive the violent passion... Y-you gave me no warning - Sob!" (25) The Vampire on the Comet ¡°How do you feel?" ¡°What the f**k did you mean how do I feel!? You shoved asatteliteantenna into my heart like a wooden stake!!" It was the Year 1970, the peak of the historical Race to Space. To be exact, it was a few months prior the incident of Apollo 13¡¯s failed landing on the moon. This shuttle codenamed the Athabasca was sent to reach the moon, exactly how the great Neil Armstong and his crew had, to continue NASA¡¯s study on the moon¡¯s surface. Not sure if this was a part of a growing bad luck that led to the ultimate accident that the Apollo 13 would experience, but this ship ended up landing on a comet. It was an accident, more or less. The moment the expedition reached the moons orbit, a space rock just up and flew under their landing gears. You know that moment when you find the perfect parking spot, and some jack@ss cuts in to steal it from you...That kind of arsholery. Worse, the shuttle messed up on its emergency landingand somehow dropped on top of a homely looking cave deep in the comet''s chasm. It looked like someone''s house. ¡°I-I¡¯m sorry. I-I just got my Learner¡¯s license.¡± ¡°THE F**K? AND YOUR CAR IS A SPACE SHUTTLE!? I MAY BE A VAMPIRE, BUT I¡¯M NOT AN IDIOT!¡± ¡°I-I¡¯m, I''M SO SORRYYYYYYYY!¡± The Athabasca Shuttle was okay, but it was still in bad shape. If NASA were to get an image from their Hubble Telescope, they would surely laugh. Because the million dollar craft was stuck into the comet''s crater, like an ostriche hiding its head from the world. The one responsible for this mess, was on her own. It''s not like she abandonned her team, rather her fellow astronauts were still stuck inside of the ostriche shuttle. It just so happened that there was this petite crack in the hull that only one person of small stature could squeeze herself out. The Shuttle Driver was chosen, and it was not at all by volunteer. She still felt the Space Commander''s boot throbbing on herround andvacuum insulated butt. ¡°I-it¡¯s all my fault! I should have paid more attention to manual drive! I relied too much on automatic!!" ¡°I highly doubt there¡¯s that kind of system on a complicated vessel like a spaceship, but that¡¯s not important! Guugh! Get this piece of cr*p stick out of my heart! I-it''s still receiving messages from a sattellite calling itself Sputnik and talking in a language that makes no sense ot me! G-get it out! Get it ouuuuut!" "...Um...I-I''m not the Medical officer. I-I''m the designated driver. I-I have no authority on-on the matter of open heart surgery and---" "I DON''T GIVE A FLYING F**K, JUST DO SOMETHING!" The Astronaut Girl was confused. At the age of 10, she dreamed of flying to the moon on a magical sleigh pulled by a fleet of prancing unicorns. In highschool, she devised an elaborate science fair project of filling every balloon in the world with helium to attempt to bypass the atmosphere. In college, she straightened out her messed up priorities and finally devoted her time in math and astrophysic. After so many years slaving in ridiculous training regimes and inhuman preperations... she finally had her chance to drive her own space shuttle. And she realized, she f**ked up when she didn''t pay attention to the ''space roads'' ahead. That was how the comet blind-sided her and slipped right under the ship''s feet. She was too careless, she shouldn''t have been oggling at the controls and touching them as if a man''s hard abs. Yet, she ended up crashing in what looked like a set from a fantasy world, even when the sky above was nothing but the jaws of the comet''s chasm and the rolling stares above her head. The base of the abyss was covered in fresh looking grass, some exotic looking alient butterflies flapping around. Lying in her arms was this human-like extra terrestrial, with skin paler than her own space suit and had noticeable fangs peeking from his lips. Not to mention a big@ss iron spike that was originally the antenna from one of the probes loaded on the Athabasca Shuttle going right through his heart. If this creature was truly a vampire, he surely would have been killed... yet, he was scowling like the Astronaut Girl spilled milk over his tunic. "You destroyed my house! Do you know how long it took to build it, when this comet has f**king zero gravity and rolling around in the void like a drunk sailor! 10 years. 10 f**king years!I just finished it this morning,what doI get for a house warming gift? A HUMAN @SSHOLE SHOVING A SHUTTLE UP MY HOUSE''S @SS!" "...Wait, that thing that looks like a medieval water well is your house? It''s rather small, don''t you think?" "Once this radio spike is removed from my chest, I will punch in the glass helmet." "Geg!? P-please don''t! M-my blood will get sucked out in the wrong way and I''ll explode from the vacuum! Th-this suit is my only means of survivaaaaaal!" "Tch. You''re lucky this area above Earth is considered international waters, or else I would have sued your padded @ss!" "Kyaa! P-please don''t make fun of how puffy my butt is! I-it''s the vacuum insulators in my suit, I swear!" The Vampire-like Alien let out a groan. Even when he was in open space, he did not need any kind of specialized equipment to protect his bare skin from the extreme cold of the space. Not even a breathing mask to ensure his lungs don''t crush themselves from the vacuum. Maybe it was the microgills he had in his neck, that filtered out minitaturized oxygen provided by the comet, or maybe he had a special DNA that allowed him to survive in a vacuum. Regardless of how the science works, one thing remained clean that any scientist or researchers would be able to notice was this. The Vampire Alien looked p*ssed. If you spot this narrative on Amazon, know that it has been stolen. Report the violation. ¡°U-um...H-how are you still alive with a stick up your heart?¡± ¡°I¡¯m a sub-breed of vampires. All of our hearts are born on the right side, instead of the regulat left." "E-er...Why is a Vampire living up here in space? Did you get lost when you''re flying as a bat?" "You''re making fun of me, aren''t you?" ".................................N...no." "Rascist b@stard. My acnestors were kicked out from Transyvania by the snobbish garling hating mobs during the idiot Dark Ages. The nobles went as far as hiring wizards to hex my entire clan to be trapped on a boulder and slingshotting us into the heavens. They though the sun of their god would burn us, but we ended up living on this floating space rock for countless generations...." "...What number are you now?" "125th." "Uwaaaah. Such dedicated family." "Such devotion is useless now after you''ve smashed my house in! It''s part of our mating ritual to build a home with our own two hands before a potential mate would be my wife! I thought I would finally get my chance to get a good catch after finish building my house for 10 long years, but you just had to f**k it up." "I''m sorry. I''m super sorry. I-if I can contact Houstan, I-I''ll ask them to a-arannge for appropriate compensation for your losses. On behalf of the United States Space Program, I apologize!" "Yeah, by the time you humans figure out how to wire transfer money from ground zero to above orbit, I would be a withered old man in vampire standards. My ability to breed would have been obselete by then... Congratulations, Miss Astronaut, you''ve just ended a family line today." "NYAAAAAAAAH! TH-THIS CAN''T BE HAPPENING! IT''S A BAD DREAM! EVERYONE IN NASA WILL THINK I''M AS EVIL AS HERNAN CORTEZ WHO WIPED OUT THE ENTIRE AZTEC EMPIRE! NO! I DON''T WANT THAT TITLE! I HONESTLY DON''T WANT TODAY''S INCIDENT TO BE RECORDED AS BEING THE WORST MOMENT IN AMERICAN HISTORY COMPARED TO THE WATERGATE SCANDAL! NOOOOO!" The Astronaut Girl gave that epic wail while she grabbed her head. Or at least tried to grab her head, but ended up gripping her vacuumed mittens to the side of her fish-bowl like helmet. With the way she was turning her head inside, her body shimmying in her dilemma, and her hands on her helmet... it was only a matter of time she would accidentally twist the locking mechanism and pop her head piece off. Luckily, the Vampire cleared his throat loudly to get the girl''s attention so she didn''t accidentally remove her own safety gear apart. "...Coud we please return to the matter at hand. We''ll talk about your punishments later." "Uwaaaah. I-I can''t see. Th-the tears are floating in my eyes and-and I can''t wipe them off...Sniff...Wh-what do I do?" ¡°How about pulling this radio stake from my heart?" "...Hnnnnng.....Hnnnnnnng. Sorry, I-I can''t pull it out." "Are you even trying?" "I-it''s super hard to use my upper body strength with this clunky space suit on. Not to mention, it''s zero gravity! The closet experience to moon-level weightlessness back on Earth was from training where the plane dives down for us to free fall inside the hull!" "Excuses, excuses. No wonder you humans took a millenia before even attempting to put your foot in space." ".......................A...America landed on the moon! O-one small step for man, o-one giant leap for man--" "Please. We Vampires been using the Moon as our honeymoon suite while you were still busying exploring the world by wooden ships. It''s top on the list of the most romantic locations in the universe, second to Mercury." "..........................................Wh...why do I feel like my hopes have been shattered.....Sniff... I-I want to go home now." "AFTER, you pluck this spike from my heart...D*mn it. I''m homeless and I might be kicking the bucket.... F**k, I was so looking forward to meeting my potential bride...... I haven''t even held a vampire girl''s hand yet!" In the end, the Vampire who had a radio antenna stabbed through his chest looked like he was going to cry. You would think Vampires don''t show emotions or think it was beneath them, but still it didn''t hurt ot let some tears of sorrow out. The more he tried to bite his lips to hold them back, the more they bubbled out from the corner of his gaze. Somehow, the Astronaut Girl stuffed in a thick space suit felt guilty upon seeing the Vampire''s tears starting to float above his head from zero gravity. "........Hnnnng....Hnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnng!" "Put your back into it, human. The radio spike still hasn''t budged in my chest." "I-it can''t be helped! I-I''m wearing mittens for all things! It has zero traction! I can''t even take them off to improve my grip without suffering from exploding into the vacuum...Maybe if I used the prototype robot arm from the shuttle..." "What? That giant ogre''s arm with the name CANADA written on it... Oh h*ll no. Th-those pincers are the size of my body! Vampire or not, I still have super soft organs inside of my body, I''ll be crushed harder than a tomato! And I have absolutely ZERO confidence if YOU were the one to commandeer an expensive and complicated looking piece of equipment." "......Sniff. I-I told you, I-I just got my driving''s license... sniff." "Oh buck up, human. I hate to see a girl cry." Minutes turned into hours, hours turned into more hours. But no matter what they tried or planned, neither party could remove the 1 meter long satellite antenna that was buried deep into the Vampire''s chest. As much as it didn''t kill him, it was evident he was getting bored and exhausted while being pinned to the comet''s grass like some kind of butterfly on display. At this rate, he soon felt into a quick phase of depression. "...This is it...I''m going to be stuck here, alone... no girl would ever bond with me. No house, no finances, and no movement....F**k...F******k... Sorry Great-great-great-grandmammy... I can''t give you 30 children to bounce on your lap...Sob." ".......Good luck Mr. Vampire." ¡°HEY! DON¡¯T TURN YOUR BACK ON ME YOU IRRESPONSIBLE HUMAN!¡± "I WEIGH CLOSE TO NOTHING ON THIS PIECE OF SPACE ROCK! THERE IS NOTHING I CAN DO TO HELP YOU!" "AT LEAST TAKE RESPONSIBILITY FOR WHAT YOU DID! THIS IS YOUR MESS AFTER ALL!" "............................." "............Sh*t...Am I really going to wither alone like this... " "I''ll do it." "I told you. You humans haven''t even scratched the full potential of space travel. How the h*ll are you going to wire transfer money for me to compensate for my house?What are you going to do, inflate a big@ss balloon full of helium and send the money up in a tied shoebox!?" "I''ll be your girfriend." "............................................................" "Th-that''s whay you wa-want right? You''re right, I-I caused all of this mess for not paying attention to the space route... It''s my fault th-that your bloodline is in jeopardy, I........I''ll do it, I''ll be your... mate." "Sign these papers." "HEH!? S-SO SOON! I-I''M STILL NOT READY FO-FOR MAKING THINGS OFFICIAL! TH-THERE IS NO WAY I''M GOING TO MARRY I-IN THIS DIRTY AND SECOND-HAND SPACE SUIT, EVEN IF IT''S WHITE ON THE OUTSIDE!" "Since the day you humans ejected us Vampires into space, we''ve lost all trust from you. The only way to truly know you won''t break any promises, is that you sign this magically binding contract... Don''t give me that look, we may not be humans but we respect legal contracts above all us. Now sign!" "...Uwaaah. Wh-why do I feel like this is a set up." "Aah. My the radio spike in my chest hurts. I-I can''t see the light anymore. I-it''s going dark..." "I''LL DO IT! I''LL SIGN! J-JUST DON''T ROLL YOUR EYES INTO THE BACK OF YOUR HEAD!" And it was done. The Astronaut Girl did her best to sign these... papers that the Vampire had pulled out of his pocket. Given the level of difficulty to write with a mitten, especially one designed to protect the body from the vacuum of space, all of her writing turned out a scribbles. It was only when she used both mittens together to at least spell her name in clear letters, was the contract signed completely. "........Hyup." "HEH!? HEH!? H-HOW CAN YOU STAND UP WITH A 1 METER RADIO SPIKE SHOVED INTO YOUR CHEST!" "Oh. Sorry, did I forget to tell you, my breed of vampires have incredible strength¡î." "YOU CHEATED! YOU COMPLETELY CHEATED!" "Not exactly. This contract clearly defines you will be my mate in order to make up for the disaster you''ve done to my house. Legally speaking, this is legitimatly binding. We''re not husband and wife...Keh-hee." "...IMPOSSIBLE! A-AND ASTRAONAUT LIKE ME WAS DUPED!?" "Now, miss Space Girl...Let''s get thoroughly acquainted." "HELP! HELP! SPACE COMMANDER! HELP ME! HELP MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!" There was one thing the Astronaut Girl failed to grasp... in Space, no one can hear her scream. "Oh pipe down, it''s not like I force you...besides, you''re kind of cute. Let''s live in that shuttle of yours together?." "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" (26) The Matter of Secret Agents Being Parents ¡°I¡¯ll come home soon.¡± ¡°Daddy, can mommy come home now? I miss her.¡± It was just a regular world. There were no fantasy creatures soaring in the sky, no mystical ships covered in ghostly fire and demon barnacles roaming the sea, and definitely no otherworldly creature living daily lives in a modern day setting. Rest assured. It really was just a normal city with a normal life and a normal universe. In this reality, there was a tall man in a long jacket who held onto a briefcase and his hat in one hand. He looked down at the girl who was standing in the doorway of a little house. She could be seen clenching at the hem of his long coat, clutching her favorite rabbit doll with mismatching button eyes on top of her polka-dot dress. The tall man smiled at the little girl with love. ¡°Sorry, sweetie, mommy and daddy can''t be seen together, even in the same room, or else we''ll get into a lot of trouble. So once I head out to Spain for work, she''ll come right back home and see you, okay?" ¡°...Why can''t anyone see you with mommy in the same room... Do you hate her?" "No, no, no. I love your mother. It''s just that she works for the CIA and I''m Russian Intelligence. Technically, it would be an international crisis if someone from either one of our agencies saw us holding hands like highschool lovers." "........What''s Cia? Is she going to be my new baby sister?" "... C-I-A." "But I want mommy...uuuh." The little girl in the polka dot dress gave a small pout. It wasn''t one a spoiled little ankle-biter would give to their parents, to egg them into buying an expensive cereal that tasted exactly the same as a regular dollar-store cereal (read: cardboard taste). It was the face a child would make, in hopes to convince their parents to stop fighting with each other and love her. A different kind of spoiled. "...S...sweetie don''t look at me like that. I-I may have had experiencing in surviving hardcore interrogations from nations I can''t say out loud right now, b-but I am totally defenseless to your cute eyes. D-don''t be like that, please?" "... Will Mommy be back to fix Mr. Booboo?" "I wish she could come back and fix my Booboo...Sigh." "... ???" The tall man in holding the briefcase let out a sigh. He made an off handed remark that no children should ever hear, but maybe he was confident in how pure his child was he didn''t think twice in slipping in a double entendre. It wasn''t like she was like the other children in his neighborhood who spend 24/7 on their phones playing with violent games where their avatars were dropped in an island and had to build things while shooting at others... ".......Reminds me of that time in Borneo...That was a total f**kfest." "...What''s a f--" "Food. D-Daddy said Foodfest... D-don''t slur your words, or-or Mommy will definitely do more than smack me with a hammer and phonebook!" The little girl stared at the one she called her father, her head tilting. The angle of her head matched the way she stood in her dress while holding her dolling in her bosom, that the tall man could not resist but taking photos of the little girl with his wristwatch...The tale has been illicitly lifted; should you spot it on Amazon, report the violation. ...The one that was capable of overhearing conversations behind a wall, project a holoraphic map linked with an orbiting satellite, as well as a high speed camera that could take over 1000 photos with high definition graphics and a maximum range of 100 meters. 1000 photos later, the tall man straightened his collar and cleared his throat. "Are you going now, Daddy?" "Yes. Daddy has to intercept a bad man who is on his way to Spain to sell valuable intelligence to a Weapons Cartel hiding in France. If Daddy misses his flight, he''ll have to sign a cr*p ton of paper before he can use a supersonic military jet... sigh." "Will Mommy come back home? Will she bring back a new baby sister for me to play with?" "... N-now, as much as Daddy is happy and ready to make a baby with Mommy, ahem, now is not the time. Our nations are staring each other in the face with guns drawn, one wrong move and they could start hitting each other for no reason. It''s super stressful to hide the fact we''re into our 5 years of marriage, otherwise a big bad war may start. The last thing we want to see is our organizations blowing each other up in the face." "Uwa, uwa, uwa...So scary..." "Don''t worry, pumpkin. Mommy and Daddy will work very hard to make sure our idiot nations don''t slap each other with ballistic missiles. Our house is in the middle of Canada between their maximum range of attack, that would mean you would get caught in the crossfire." ¡°Do missiles hurt, daddy?¡± ¡°Definitely more than pulling a bandaid." "Uwa-uwa-uwa." "Fear not, my little princess. Mommy should be done dismantling some my nations ICBM and substituting with pinball machine parts to render them useless. If that is the case, then it will be my turn to intercept the shipment of black market weaponry from reaching rogue parties in my nations..." "..............Will daddy be okay?" "Yes, of course. Daddy is a professional Russian Operative. He was trained to be able to drink Vodka while dodging a machine gun... However, I can''t say the same for the people I''m going to meet in three hours...Hmm." The little girl with the polka-dot dress gave a small node, her silky hair and the ears of her rabbit doll nodding. Unable to resist, the tall man took off his travelling hat and put it on her head. He wasn''t giving it to her like a momento between a cowboy and the young protagonist of a Wild West Film. The fedora hat had the ability to make a holographic recording of the person wearing it, which could be re-purposed to act as a projected clone to draw fire, confirm alibi, as well as acquiring enough information to fool state-of-the-art biometric scans. It was also convenient enough to photocopy his own daughter, so he could adore her cute features while fighting rogue organizations. Much like how parents keep a picture of their children as the background on their phones. To make sure the recording went smoothly, he projected a blue-colored copy of his own daughter, doing that same cute nod that made her hair and rabbit doll ears sway. ¡°Oh! My baby sister is born! Is she Cia?¡± ¡°Ha, ha, ha. You¡¯re so cute.¡± The tall man leaned over to pat the girl on the head. She must have been close to him, because she enjoyed his gesture like a cat to a warm hand. She even purred. The tall man went ''HNNNNNNG'' and wanted to call his agency to cancel his covert operation altogether... but by the time he was halfway in typing in the secret code to contact said agency, he thought about his wife''s feeling. He was a professional. He had to act like one... even as a doting parent. ¡°¡­ Well. I should be heading out now. It would be too mean for me to hold up mommy from petting you like this. She¡¯s probably hiding in a tree taking pictures with a hummingbird drone of you nodding like a Russian Dollright now. So you be a good girl and listen to mommy while I''m at work, okay? And don¡¯t talk to strangers.¡± ¡°Nnn. If mommy tells me to kick the man in the legs, I¡¯ll kick him in the legs.¡± ¡°Ha-ha! That¡¯s my pumpkin pie!¡± The tall man ended up patting the little girl on the head with both hands. totally leaving the briefcase carrying the parts for his compact Dragunov sniper and an onboard machine gun completely vulnerable on the street. After giving more goodbyes than he should allow within his timeslot, the little girl watch him get into a taxi he ''borrowed'' this morning and drove away. The second the tall man disappeared around the corner, a young woman is mix-matching US Navy Seals uniform slide down on a military grade rappel and swallowed her daughter up in a great big bear hug. The little girl nearly drowned into woman''s bosom, covered in a high-grade bullet-proof vest. ¡°UWa! Mommy is back! Mommy is back! Did you punish the badmen who were going to do bad stuff in Coco Rita?...Heh? Costa¡­Co¡­Coos¡­Hey! Mommy, mommy! I want a little sister, and she has to be called C-I-A!¡± Although the life of a spy trying to raise their lovely family can be difficult, almost impossible, the road to normal happiness could easily be found with enough political loopholes and compromise...Yes...cough. ... None of this ever happen. You heard nothing.