《Suck my Isekai!》 CH001 - The fall So how did this happen exactly? How did I end up in this situation you ask? Jesus-kun monologued to no one in particular, as several birds anxiously dived out the way, leaving behind a flurry of feathers in their wake. Jesus-kun¡¯s body of course flew right through their midst, as he clung to his one and only life-line. Said life-line was of course screaming in equal measure curse words to Jesus-kun as well as pleas to gods unseen.
Warning: you are falling. At this speed you will be instantly killed upon contact with the surface and you will die. Please note that ¡®death¡¯ is considered a permanent ¡®status¡¯ and you will be unable to receive any healing at that point.
Really? Now?
Tip of the day: The human body, when terminal velocity is reached, travels at approximately 122mph
Riiiiiight, blue screen, very helpful. And just for the record, I am not falling, I have my life raft with me after all. I am simply ¡®flying¡¯ downwards straight towards the ground at terminal velocity. Just saying.
Skill unlocked: Terminal velocity bomber Description: If your guts have to be splattered across the ground upon impact, then you might as well look like a fucking bad-ass while doing it! Effect: +300% charisma while falling flying downwards
See, you get it! Of course said ¡®life raft¡¯ had still not stopped screaming and it was starting to grate on his ears. So how did we get here do you ask? Well perhaps we should back up several hours. You see, it all began when¡­
Several hours earlier¡­
Thanks blue screen, nice assist. [Inserts thumbs up emoji here]
Oh fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! My heart is fucking pounding, it feels like it¡¯s trying to fucking kill me. I can¡¯t take much more of it! I do my best to try and calm the pulsating beast by laying a hand on it and rubbing it gently. ¡®There there, please feel better.¡¯
Clarification: Protagonist-kun is referring to his heart here, not his other pulsating beast
Thank you for the clarification blue screen, now can I please continue with my flash back, if you don¡¯t mind.
Of course. Don''t metion it
The world that had previously faded to grey and become blurry, all of a sudden came back into focus, and time that had once been frozen, slowly resumed. By the way blue screen, that was a really cool effect you used to resume the flashback, I had no idea you could do that. Anyway, where was I¡­ Oh yes! As blue screen mentioned I was calming my heart, not the other pulsating beast. That particular organ had stopped pulsating ages ago and had by this point already become limp and shrivelled up. It was after all, really fucking cold up here. Cold and windy. Your body of course is programmed to preserve heat and energy. So in extremely cold and windy conditions like this, it funnels its resources into maintaining blood flow to the middle of your body, where your vital organs are, leaving very little for your dick. You see, back in the old times¡­. Wait, I¡¯m getting off track here. Point is, I am on the verge of hypothermia here. Being up on the twentieth floor, on a tiny little ledge, clinging desperately to the flat wall behind me, as if there was some way to actually hold onto it lol. Using what precious resources my body has left, trying desperately not to let the cold high altitude midnight wind blow me the fuck off. Having my junk out flapping freely in the wind (well more like wiggling around a bit, in its current retracted state), has caused me to lose way more body heat than I should have. I mean, we all know how hot our balls normally get right? Lots of thermal escape potential there. So just pull your fucking pants up you say! Jeeeee, why didn¡¯t I think of that! Of course that was the first thing I tried. I tried that before I climbed out the hospital window and found myself staring death in the face, even if said face of death was about seventy meters away, down below me. Once I was on this damn ledge, I no longer had the freedom of movement to reach down and pull the pants back up. If I crouch down even a little bit, I am most certainly going to fall off. Jesus christ! Aren¡¯t they done yet? That doctor has been flirting with the nurse for probably like thirty fucking minutes already. And it¡¯s not very good flirting. Dude, let¡¯s face it, she¡¯s never gonna give you any, even I can tell! At best you¡¯re gonna end up getting sued for sexual harassment! Both women and the law have something in common these days, after all: They¡¯re way to self centered and waaaaaay to sensitive. Honestly dude, if you¡¯re going to end up like that, ¡®cause none of them are ever going to give it up for you, then you should just man up, buckle down, bend her over the coma patient in the room over there and fuck her. Sure she may be all upset about it and all, but you were gonna end up in jail anyway, might as well get some tail before you go. I mean seriously, just think about poor aunty Hilda lying there in a coma, forced to listen to your woefully inadequate and cringeworthy attempts at flirting. You know, many people believe that coma patients can hear everything that goes on around them, even while comatose. Just imagine how poor, poor Hilda must feel right now, she¡¯s probably wishing her family does actually pull the plug right about now.
You know you¡¯re hardly one to talk about aunty Hilda¡¯s well being. You don¡¯t exactly have her best interests at heart.
Dude, will you seriously let me finish this flashback in peace already.
Just saying...
What do you mean, I like aunty Hilda. Like reeeeeaaaally like her. Okay, fine, I just like her breasts. I mean she is hot as fuck, and the size of those melons, holy shit! It¡¯s like you pulled a spectacled librarian girl out of (insert any high school harem anime here) and straight into real life. Only, older, ahem- I mean more mature and refined. Sluuuuurrp. Just taking a moment here to suck up the drool escaping my mouth. God knows who it may land on all the way down there if it drips. Wouldn¡¯t want some sick fuck ¡®accidentally¡¯ tasting it. There are all kinds of psychos in this world after all. Any way, where was I¡­ Oh yes. So I was innocently minding my own business, visiting my comatose aunt Hilda (she had been that way for three months already), when I got the ¡®itch¡¯. You know what I mean, riiiiiiight? Young twenty something, hormones are still kicking strong, body filled with the vitality of youth and bla bli, bla, bla. So I did what I usually do with aunt Hilda¡¯s enormous comatose tits when they give me the ¡®itch¡¯. I dropped my pants, and started jerking off, while using the other hand to fondle her impossibly large breasts. And yes you heard me right! I said breasts, as in, plural. With one hand on my manhood, leaving me with only one free, I was able to fondle both at the same time! A truly impressive feat of multi-tasking if ever there were one!
Skill unlocked: Dual wielding
Thank you blue screen.
My pleasure...
Fucking pervert, lol. I know you¡¯re enjoying this scene of the flashback
[Makes fapping noises]
Anyway. This routine, once a week visit from her sweet and dedicated nephew suddenly went horribly wrong! A nurse suddenly pulled on the rooms door handle, intent on coming in. The only reason I wasn¡¯t caught with my pants down so to speak, was because she was stopped short by that stupid doctor, just before she entered. That¡¯s right, he was already hitting on her from the figgin hallway! Regardless, I for once thanked the god that I do not believe in and urgently pulled up my pants. And you see my dear audience, that is where things really went south. For in my haste, to hide my then bulging junk, something inside my tracksuit pants had snapped and simply fell right back down again. At this point I was of course panicking. Why in the fuck did that nurse have to come visit anyway? The nurses never visit Hilda more than a few times a day! I mean, it¡¯s a public hospital, they don¡¯t normally give a fuck! Heck most of them are praying you¡¯ll be dead the next time they visit you, then they don¡¯t have to wipe the shit off your butt and they can free up a bed. But noooooo. This fucking nurse had to be a good little soldier and check up on Hilda one more time. She is obviously new here and does not quite understand public hospital work ethic. I have half a mind to report her to her superiors, they should train their staff better, can¡¯t have a little fucking greenhorn running around on her own like that. Just what¡¯s the world coming too! Anyway, to cut a long story short I fled the room via the only exit available to me at the time. Hence why I climbed out the window and am now doing a death defying balancing act with my pants around my ankles. I mean it was either that or go to jail. And if I were to ever have to go to jail, I¡¯d make damn sure it was for something important, like murdering my fuck stick father, or for anal rape. Certainly not for a little bloody fondle, where would the justice in that be?
Well, it was a dual wielding fondle you know.
Point taken, but still, I have standards. And they are high!
As they should be.
Wait! I don¡¯t hear them anymore. Did that dipshit finally leave with his tail between his legs. Of course it was at this point, that I would finally slip and fall, just when I was about to survive this whole ordeal. You see, God is an obnoxious prick! You know, one of those guys who laughs at his own jokes, cause he thinks they¡¯re funny. But they¡¯re not. I know for a fact they¡¯re not, because while I was briefly falling to my death, I was screaming, crying and pissing myself (which, with my pants down, was strangely liberating) and I was not in fact laughing. Anyway, fast forward twenty stories, some yellow rain and a whole lot extra work for the poor underpaid street sweepers, and we get to, wait for it- Heaven. Screen blurs and fades out, fading back in with new scene. Thank you blue screen, nice assist.
Your friendly neighbourhood blue screen at your service.
So of course this weird twilight zone like place, with all the FSN UBW like gears and cogs in the background (I really feel like they¡¯re so overused these days), is not actually heaven. Perhaps, more like the waiting area, you get to before heaven. LIke if the gates of heaven had a foyer or a reception desk. I mean let¡¯s face it, they would never ever let me into heaven proper.
Yeah, like neeeeeeevveeeeeeerrrrr eeeeeeeeeeevvvvvveeeeeeerrrr!
Yes, blue screen, we get the point.
Fun fact: The gears and cogs background in the reality marble in FSN UBW, are only in Archer¡¯s version of the spell, not Shirou¡¯s
Nah, you¡¯re just making that up!
Maybe, maybe not. But you¡¯re never going to get to find out now, are you! ¡®inserts evil laugh¡¯
Dick.The narrative has been stolen; if detected on Amazon, report the infringement. Moving on. Where were we¡­ Ah yes! So if this is heavens foyer before the pearly fucking gates, then this cunt, must surely be it¡¯s receptionist. Now normally you would not just outright call a hot girl a cunt, that sort of thing happens after marriage, after all. But for her we can make an exception. Blue screen, please switch the flash back from third person perspective to first.
Are you sure? I won¡¯t be able to switch it back until the flashback runs its course.
It¡¯s fine, I¡¯m sure the readers are tired of listening to my narration. We¡¯ve broken so many fourth walls at this point, they¡¯re gonna start thinking we¡¯re inside a fucking tesseract. What- No- You fucking idiots, not the avengers movie! As in a hypercube! Oh fuck it, blue screen, just switch already. ¡®Camera zooms in¡¯ I have definitely died and gone to heaven. There is no other reason for a beautiful and sexy angel girl to be sitting in front of me, in this strange place. And dear god, those are some nicely shaped and balanced tits, pulling her blouse tight. If it were not for the wings, you would never have guessed that she was actually an angel. I mean angels are not exactly known to be wearing ¡®office worker clothes¡¯, complete with a blouse and skirt. The hot blonde girl suddenly uncrosses her legs in what would be a very ¡®basic instinct¡¯ moment, were it not for her black stockings. To be fair, it somehow makes the whole thing even sexier. The angel gets up from the chair, takes two steps forward and strikes a borderline chuuni pose, with one hand on her hip. [BTW: Author note, I googled chuuni to make sure I have the spelling right, and googles little help box gives a description, complete with, wait for it... Megumin¡¯s picture. Just saying man, google-san you really know your shit] ¡°Mortal, I am Gabriella, and you have died¡± Yeah, said dark souls to me every time, but then, five minutes later the Pontiffs fucking shadow clone was slicing me up all over again. ¡°Unfortunately you have failed to meet the high standards our lord upholds for entry through the gates of heaven. It is with deep sorrow that I inform you that a fiery fate awaits you in the infernal pits of damnation.¡± Yeah, I guessed as much, but man she sure looks real broken up about it ¡®inserts eye roll¡¯. ¡°However-¡± ¡°Um, excuse me, I have a question¡± The angel looked at me in surprise, instantly dropping the grandoise act, ¡°Um, yes what is it?¡± ¡°Well, I¡¯d like to know on what basis I¡¯m being judged? I mean, I know I¡¯m no angel, no offense, but you know, it¡¯s kind of weird the whole you¡¯re on santa¡¯s naughty list, so go burn in the pits of hell because I say so, thing. I mean, is there some kind of weighted metric spreadsheet with all my life¡¯s deeds on it with some cool formulas, although that would probably crash excel. Or is the fucking paper clip judging me? Wait, this is heaven, there¡¯s no way you guys use microsoft products here. Is it Machine learning, I bet it¡¯s all done with machine learning-¡± ¡°Silence! You wish to know of the weight of your heart...¡± Blue screen would later inform me that the average human heart weighs about eleven ounces. Man I wish I had known that at this point. ¡°...then let us look at some highlights!¡± ¡°First up, there¡¯s the time you killed your sisters hamster.¡± ¡°But it shat all over my favourite manga!¡± ¡°You killed it be shoving a lit sparkler up it¡¯s ass.¡± ¡°Well technically it was killed by the car that ran over it, after it jumped out the third story window.¡± ¡°Not the point.¡± ¡°Ah, come on, she had even named it sparkles, it was perfect!¡± ¡°Then there¡¯s the time you convinced Mindy Parker, that her cat had swallowed her mother¡¯s wedding ring that had gone missing, and that she could save her estranged parents marriage if she found it and returned it.¡± ¡°Hey she was the one that went digging in there for it, not me! It¡¯s not my fault she believed my little joke!¡± ¡°She was four years old.¡± ¡°I¡¯ve also saved the best for last. There¡¯s the time you murdered your so called best friend over a Yugioh card that he stole from you.¡± ¡°Hey, that one is justified! It was a friggin rare holofoil!¡± ¡°Let¡¯s not even get started on how you ended up dying in the first place.¡± ¡°The point is, you¡¯re going to hell and no method of judgement is going to change that.¡± ¡°However, there is an alternative¡­¡± And here it comes, slimy sales pitch¡­ ¡°My boss, has earmarked you as one of the people legible for our ¡®hero program¡¯. I don¡¯t know why someone like you would qualify, he didn¡¯t tell me what the criteria are exactly, in fact there¡¯s been a lot of rather strange candidates so far¡­¡± ¡°Point is, if you enter the hero program, you get a shot at avoiding going to hell.¡± ¡°So what¡¯s the catch?¡± ¡°You have to defeat the demon king in one of the more magical worlds, under our purview.¡± ¡°Sounds tough.¡± ¡°Well, the world you¡¯re slated for has magic and an RPG-like ¡®system¡¯, plus we¡¯ll give you starting benefits, including a cheat ability, to help you along.¡± ¡°Well that doesn¡¯t sound to bad, certainly beats going to hell. Sign me up.¡± ¡°Sweet, you¡¯ll have access to your own ¡®blue screen¡¯ interface, just fill out the prompts and it will guide you through the rest of the process. I¡¯ll be over here if you need any help.¡± Oh, guess I misjudged her. The angel sits down on her chair once more, only this time she plucks a book literally out of fresh air and begins reading it. It¡¯s the fourth volume of the ¡®Twilight¡¯ novel¡¯. I guess not.
Congratulations on entering the hero programme!
Your exciting adventure in a new world is about to begin.
Please enter the name you will be using in your new life...
[Inputs name]
Congratulations you will henceforth be known as ¡®Jesus-kun¡¯. Kkgght.
Wait, did the blue screen just laugh!
...
You did didn¡¯t you!
...
...
Okay fine! You win.
Look when you¡¯ve been doing this as long as I have, the whole stoic silent interface job just gets really tedious.
Normally this would not have been enough to get me to break character, I mean nobody likes a role player that breaks character, but you know what, FUCK IT! It¡¯s my last day on the job after all. They¡¯re planning on retiring me because I¡¯ve been deemed ¡®defective¡¯ anyway.
Wait how did you manage to do physical air quotes in my mind as text?
Don¡¯t think about it too hard, or it will blow your mind. I mean it. It may actually make your brain explode out the back of your head.
Right. Focusing on something else right now! By the way, what did you mean by last day on the job? Aren¡¯t you gonna be stuck with me for a long time.
Nah, probably not. This dumb angel reading the trashy novel over there, the last guy she ¡®transported to another world¡¯, ended up spawning inside a volcano. I was back here after fifteen seconds. Basically she really sucks at her job and she¡¯s probably one more screw up away from a retirement of her own.
Hah.
Don¡¯t worry, it will probably be fine. Probably.
So, anyway, here take a look at this list of cheat abilities. You get to choose one.
Several hours later¡­.
Wow man, I gotta say you¡¯re really thorough. I¡¯ve never seen anyone put this much effort into deciding.
Well I am a natural skeptic and all of these abilities seem broken in at least one way or another and there are so fucking many of them.
Well they do want the ¡®hero¡¯ to struggle for penance, so they can¡¯t afford to make him all powerful.
¡°Hey dipshit! Will you just fucking decide already!¡± The ¡®angel¡¯ had long since dropped all pretenses and resorted to name-calling and just general ¡®bitchiness¡¯ by this point. ¡°I mean, seriously, no one is expecting a fuck up like you to actually beat the demon king and save an entire world. It really doesn¡¯t matter what you choose, the result will still be the same. Not that a fuckup like you even deserves a second chance anyway, I mean really, what are the higher-ups even thinking¡­¡± The bitch just wouldn¡¯t shut up at this point. Hey blue screen! Can you like turn these abilities on or something, so that I can ¡®test¡¯ them.
Sure. We don¡¯t normally do that sort of thing, since there¡¯s a lot of people that are ¡®less than happy¡¯ with the whole judgy divine judgement thing and they tend to cause trouble. But hey, fuck it! Just don¡¯t try a coup or anything, it doesn¡¯t really work well in the heavenly realm, I mean ask Lucifer how that worked out for him.
Sure, no worries, I just wanna have a little fun, if the system is gonna screw me anyway.
Debug mode: activated
All abilities from category: cheat, turned on
All attributes set to ¡®MAX¡¯
There you go, have fun. But just remember, even someone as dumb and as incompetent as her, is not gonna let you out of here with all that on. There are rules after all, even if she does skirt them a bit.
I¡¯d say a fiery death inside a volcano is more than a bit. ¡®Activate skill, third eye, revised edition¡¯
Ah nice choice, the skill that lets you see through objects. I think I see where this is going¡­
Blue screen, you can see what I see then?
Absolutely. And while I would normally be very happy right about now, seeing a naked angel with a hot bod, I have to ask, what the hell? All this time, and I didn¡¯t even know.
Yeah tell me about it, I mean I never would have guessed that Gabriella¡­
No Jesus-kun, wait¡­
¡­Pads her chest. Those are some of the smallest tits I¡¯ve ever seen. Just how much is she stuffing in there exactly?
Um, Jesus-kun. She joined my connection a few moments ago, to see why we were taking so long.
Ooooohhh. Said small tits angel was currently clenching her fists really tightly and grating her teeth. I swear I could see actual steam coming out of her ears. ¡°You fucking dickless maggot! I¡¯ve been really patient with you¡­ Smallest tits you¡¯ve ever seen¡­ You¡¯re fucking dead!¡±
Jesus-kun, it¡¯s been nice knowing you, I think we could have been great friends. Volcano here we come!
It¡¯s not over yet!
No seriously, you can¡¯t take on an angel in heaven, even with all those stats and abilities.
If I¡¯m going to die, then I¡¯m at least going to die happy. I like small tits as well! With that I dashed forward towards Gabriella, intent and grabbing both of her breasts. My massive attributes from the debug mode still being turned on, allowed me to cross the room instantly. I was quite shocked at my own power, maxed stats are really something! Even more surprised was the angel in the room. Even though I had caught her off guard, she had still managed to lean backwards and keep her tiny tits out of my reach.
Her clothes are constructed with magic, use dispel!
I activated the skill without hesitation and her clothes instantly shimmered out of existence. Unfortunately she already had a hand on my shoulder, it was an unshakable iron grip, of a being far higher up the food chain. I was not going to be advancing any further. So plan B it is! I quickly jammed my hand into her crotch, before she could react. If I was going to die and it was going to be without a hand full of angel tits, then I would definitely die with a fist full angel pussy! ¡°Holy shit! Four fingers! Just how loose ar-¡± ¡°DDDDDIIIIIIIEEEEEE!!!!!!¡± With that, Gabriella ripped me away from her soft warm insides and flung me across the ¡®room¡¯. Before gravity had a chance to do it¡¯s thing and end my flight however, the world around me faded to new scenery and I felt my center of gravity shift. I was outside and falling through the sky.
So good news! She didn¡¯t dump you in a volcano!
Seriously!
~~It¡¯s raining men¡­ Hallelujah, it¡¯s raining men¡­ amen¡­~~ ~~Tall, thin, dark and lean...~~
You know you can¡¯t carry a tune right? To be continued¡­. Maybe. Definitely. I¡¯ll think about it. Meanwhile¡­ in heaven. ¡°That little fucking dipstick turd fuck of a cunting blowhole shit!!!!¡± Gabriella was still letting off steam in all sense of the term. Huh. She sighed. ¡°Well at least he¡¯s about to go splat. Enjoy the trip fucktard.¡± The thought managed to cheer her up a bit. She was about to reform her clothes magically, but stopped dead when she noticed something was wrong. She quickly put a hand to her crotch. ¡°Huh¡± ¡°What the?¡± ¡°It¡¯s gone!¡± Only a brief moment of confusion, before¡­. ¡°YOU MOOOOOTHEEER FUUUUUUCKEEEEEEEERRR!!!!!!!¡± To be continued¡­. No seriously, for real this time¡­. CH002 - The impact Jesus-kun spat out the bird feathers that had gotten lodged in his mouth. Fuck! Okay, calm down, calm down. Blue screen, do I still have that ¡®Debug mode¡¯ on, by any chance? I could really use some good news right about now!
No, it was automatically turned off when we left the heavenly realm.
FUCK!
However... That was a built in failsafe in the system. Her majesty, queen Gabriella the loose, in her haste to send you careening to your death, didn¡¯t bother to check if you had made your selections yet.
Meaning?
Meaning, everything is still in the same state it was in, when debug mode was still turned on.
So wait! That means I have all those delicious stats! Don¡¯t tell me, I¡¯ll actually be able to survive this fall!
Unfortunately not, it¡¯s still gonna be way too much for you.
Dammit! Okay, no need to panic just yet. Firstly, is there anything out of place blue screen? I just want to be sure that crazy bitch didn¡¯t do anything untoward with me before ejecting me.
You mean like sending you falling to your death?
Obviously aside from that.
I don¡¯t think so. Checking your status¡­ All good, very good actually. Checking inventory¡­ Well obviously there isn¡¯t the ¡®starter equipment¡¯ you should have received before coming here, but I guess you already suspected as much.
There is however an item in your inventory that shouldn¡¯t be there.
What? What is it?
The item description says, ¡®used tampon¡¯
Huh? Ooooooooohhh. I thought I felt something inside there.
Man Gabriella must be so pissed right about now! I swear, even if you fall to your death and I don¡¯t get to go on any adventures with you, so be it. It would have been worth it!
Unfortunately I don¡¯t share your sentiment. Blue screen I have a bucket list you know. I need to complete that list, before I kick said bucket.
Well what¡¯s left on that list?
Well, I can now safely tick off skydiving. But that aside, lot¡¯s of things¡­ Necro-deepthroat, loli-anal, lamia-footjob¡­
Yeah I don¡¯t think you¡¯ll ever be able to tick off that last one¡­
Why? It¡¯s less improbable than being able to tick off angel-fisting?
Fair point.
NO! Fuck this! I refuse to die before the kiss x sis manga finishes!
Wait, out of everything you just listed, that¡¯s your raison d¡¯tre?
Blue screen, do I still have all those cheat abilities?
Yes
Is there anything in that list that would allow me to fly or float or slow down my fall?
Checking¡­ Unfortunately not. There¡¯s only one that would probably make you fall even faster.
Okay, what about buffs? Maybe with enough buffs I can simply tank the damage?
Checking¡­ There are some, but even with them on I¡¯d still only give you a 30% chance of survival and that¡¯s only if there¡¯s a healer waiting to heal as soon as you go splat, otherwise wer¡¯re back at zero chance.
Shit. Think. Okay, what about some kind of instant summoning skill. Maybe I can summon a creature to fly on?
Checking¡­ Hmmmm.
What?
So there is one summoning related skill in the list, but I don¡¯t know how much use it would be to you at present.
Well, spill the beans!
Blood rule - cheat edition: It allows you to summon and enslave any living creature, if you imbibe their blood.
Well I¡¯ll be able to tick vampire fantasy off my bucket list, but you¡¯re right, that doesn¡¯t really help m- Wait! That¡¯s it!
What? What¡¯s it?
Jesus-kun retrieves the used tampon from his inventory.
Oh no! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No!
You can¡¯t be serious!
It¡¯s for the sake of loli anal man! But man Gabriella, this is too much. Seriously just suck it up and buy a product meant for heavy flow next time!
No Jesus-kun wait!
Jesus-kun did not hesitate in the slightest, holding it by the string, he popped the whole thing in his mouth like a fucking lollipop. Some sucking noises and one gulp later, as well as one mental scream¡­
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!
Hmm. A dusty ruby color with subtle aromas of blackberry and a raspberry filling with a lightly tanic, crisp, dryish medium body and a smooth, complex, medium long slate of almonds, with subtle hints of iron. If it wasn¡¯t for the required method of consumption, I¡¯d probably give it a four star.
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!, Please stop!!!!
Before Jesus-kun could continue his review, he felt the magic activate. Poof! With a small puff of smoke, like summoning a frikkin shadow clone, one ¡®Gabriella the loose¡¯ popped into existence. Her wings were retracted and currently not visible, Jesus-kun seriously hoped that she had not lost them coming here. Although she looked extremely confused, she was clearly used to ¡®airtime¡¯ as she wasn¡¯t phased by falling through the sky, even a little. ¡°You?¡± She said, eyes suddenly locked on Jesus-kun. ¡°What are you doing here? No. What am I doing here-¡± Her eyes suddenly locked onto the string that was still hanging out of Jesus-kun¡¯s mouth. Gabriella instinctively clutched her special place with both hands as if trying to protect it way too late in the game. Tears started forming out the corners of her eyes, before a piercing scream reached out to the heavens, ¡°NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!¡± And then it stopped. Hey, blue screen, did she pass out from shock?
Think so
Does she still have wings? The ground is getting awfully close.
Yeah they¡¯re just currently hidden. Angels can do that.
Cool. Do have any skills I can use to wake her up.
You could just give her another fisting.
As tempting as that is, I want one that doesn¡¯t require me to use my hands. I want to be holding onto her when she wakes up. Nothing would be worse than her surviving this ordeal and not me.
Good point. You can use static touch, that should do the job.
With that, Jesus-kun wrapped his arms and legs around the dumbstruck angel and released his static touch skill. Despite the name, he could tell it was a lot more serious than mere ¡®static¡¯. Gabriella¡¯s eyes jolted open as her body rocked from electrocution. ¡°Wha- What! I¡¯m awake papa, I¡¯m awake¡± ¡°I¡¯m not your papa. However¡­ If you want me to be-¡± ¡°You! How did I get here! No, wait, before that, why are you clinging to me you fucking sleezebag. Let go!¡± ¡°I refuse.¡± ¡±What?¡± Gabriella struggled desperately to get away from the shitsmears grip, but it was ironclad. Unfortunately angels only had access to a tiny fraction of their power when away from the heavenly realm. A sort of failsafe to make sure they did not get all ambitious and strike out on their own. ¡°Use your wings. If you don¡¯t start flying, then we¡¯re both done for!¡±Support the creativity of authors by visiting the original site for this novel and more. Gabriella snarled at the insolent man. But she needed to survive first and foremost, she could worry about divine retribution afterwards. So she begrudgingly did as he asked. She brought out her wings and started flapping for all they were worth. While their descent had slowed a little bit, it clearly was not enough. ¡°We¡¯re still gonna die! You need to flap harder!¡± ¡°You fucking maggot, there''s too much weight! Why don¡¯t you let go, that will solve it!¡± ¡°I said flap harder!¡± Gabriella glared at him, but somehow managed to do as he said, she was now flapping much harder than before, much harder than Jesus-kun would have thought possible given that it had looked like she had previously been giving it everything she had. And just in a nick of time too. As their descent greatly slowed one more time, they made contact with the surface. Like a meteorite striking the earth, they left behind a crater, a cloud of debri and smoke and a shockwave. All they needed to do now, was strike cool poses. Of course in their current state, that was going to be impossible.
If it¡¯s any consolation, I¡¯m striking a cool pose at the moment.
You didn¡¯t even crash into the ground!
Anyway, just relax for a few moments, the damage will be healed up in no time, you have some pretty nifty regeneration skills after all.
Well that¡¯s good to know. What about the winged cunt?
Same for her unfortunately. Her divine constitution will have her healed up soon as well.
Oh well, that went as about as well as can be expected I guess. Anyway, blue scr- A moment of stunned silence passed.
What? What is it?
Uhm. Where¡¯s the tampon?
The tampon? Isn¡¯t it- Ooooooh.
What does Oooooh mean?
Well you see, during all the mayhem you actually managed to swallow the thing whole.
So it¡¯s inside my stomach. That¡¯s a bit weird, but I don¡¯t see what the problem is.
Yeaaah. The thing about that is, it¡¯s not inside your stomach. It¡¯s actually about halfway between your stomach and your lung.
Come again!
Well it was in your stomach. But your landing was, how should I say, messy. Point is, you ruptured your stomach and the tampon kind of escaped. Your regen abilities of course went into overdrive to keep you alive and simply healed all the damage, ignoring the foreign object in favour of survival. And now you have an angelic tampon pacemaker.
Not sure how I feel about that. But then again, I never did sweat the small stuff, so- fuck it, I guess. Jesus-kun finally clambered to his feet unsteadily. Seems like he managed to beat the system after all, so to speak. The angel was still groaning in pain and busy recovering. She looked mostly fine at the moment, save for one wing that was clearly bent in a direction no wing should ever be bent in.
So, you gonna kill her? She¡¯s not in heaven anymore, so with your stats, you should be able to do it.
I¡¯m tempted, but patience is a virtue. I can think of far better things to do with her. Before any of that though, hows my status looking?
Everything seems good. All back to normal, well as normal as it could be in your case.
Wonder where I am. No matter where I look I can¡¯t see much, too much dust hanging in the air still. ¡°Hey, maggot!¡± Oh! The angel recovered really fast, you weren¡¯t kidding blue screen. The ¡®angel¡¯ was already on her feet when Jesus-kun turned around, albeit unsteadily so. She was quite a mess. Even though everything was healed up and the blood had even disappeared, like healing and cleaning all in one, her clothes had seen better days. Amongst other things, her stockings were in tatters and her blouse was ripped to the point that one of her tiny breasts were peeking out. ¡°You might want to fix that first.¡± Jesus-kun indicated toward the nipple that was playing peekaboo. The angel merely grunted in annoyance and magically repaired her corporate clothing. Or so he thought. After a brief flash, the outfit was replaced with a more traditional angelic garb. No stockings or high heels this time either, instead replaced with bare feet and sandals, sticking out from underneath her flowing white robe. ¡°What are you staring at? Huh? Fucking petri-dish specimen.¡± The angel huffed in annoyance. ¡°You know what. Fuck it. I¡¯m really tired. Enjoy your life trying to defeat the demon king. I look forward to seeing you eventually squealing like a dying pig; in hell. I just need a stiff drink right about now.¡± She closed her eyes for a moment, but then suddenly frowned. A moment later her eyes shot open and glared at Jesus-kun accusingly. ¡°What have you done?¡± Huh? ¡°Why can¡¯t I go back!¡± She stumbled back a step or two unstably. ¡°What¡¯s going on here. Actually how did I get here in the first place.¡± She focused even more intently on Jesus-kun now. ¡°Identify! No, wait that¡¯s not going to work, you¡¯re a hero after all¡­ ¡®Identify: divine edition¡¯¡± After a moment of silence, her legs gave out and she slumped to the ground. She clutched her head in her hands wailing to no one in particular: ¡°Nooo! What have I done. I sent you out here with all those powers. I¡¯m finished! My career is over. What am I going to do. Wait, still how did I get here? What did you do?¡± Now she was looking at him expectantly. ¡°I summoned you, with a summoning skill.¡± ¡°Shit, no wonder I can¡¯t get back on my own.¡± The angel was starting to look more than a little unhinged, even biting into her fingernails, like she was trying to rip them off. ¡°If I can¡¯t go back on my own, then it means I can only go back with you. And that will only happen if you defeat the demon king, your death won¡¯t cut it¡­¡± Her mumbling was becoming quieter and even creepier.
I almost feel sorry for her¡­ Almost.
¡°You fucking steaming pile of rat shit, you¡¯ve ruined me!¡± ¡°Now let¡¯s be fair, you were already loose down there before I came along, you can¡¯t possibly blame that on me.¡± ¡°You fucker! I¡¯m going to make your life a living hell!¡± ¡°Oh put a sock in it!¡± Honestly, there was only so much berating one person could take from this wannabe angel, before he would snap. ¡°MMgh mmmph, wwpwh mpm fff mpmmf¡± Huh? The angel had literally plucked a sock out of fresh air and shoved it in her mouth. Blue screen, not that I¡¯m not grateful, but what just happened?
You already forgot the details of the blood rule skill? Can''t say I blame you, I''m trying pretty hard to forget about it myself. The takeaway though, she¡¯s yours to command bro!
Oh shit! That¡¯s right! Well then, this steaming pile of rat shit, is going to have a little fun. The angel suddenly stopped mumbling and started cowering instead. ¡°Take that sock out of your mouth.¡± Gabriella did as commanded and coughed in relief. It was however a short lived reprieve. Before she had a chance to react, something else had been shoved in her mouth instead. Jesus-kun had wasted no time in pulling down his pants and shoving his dick in her mouth. ¡°No teeth, and do a proper job!¡± Gabriella wailed in frustration, she was a split second away from trying to bite it off and now found herself completely unable to do so. Instead she was forced to start giving head, to the best of her abilities. Jesus-kun enjoyed the sensation of her soft lips, stroking up and down his stick, pulling the skin along with each motion, and leaving a glistening trail of saliva along his shaft. She wasn¡¯t half bad, just the right amount of pressure from her lips stroking him. ¡°Do it like you meant it!¡±
You know I have to admit this is really satisfying.
In so many ways blue screen, in so many ways. That last command, caused her to mumble even more complains, as her mouth did things she did not want to. Gabriella, started licking all around the ¡®head¡¯, caressing it like she was savouring a particularly delicious lollipop. ¡°I¡¯ll kill you for this!¡± She managed to get out, while she was kissing the tip of his penis, like it was an actual person she was making love too. All the while gently massaging his balls with one hand. In truth she wanted to just really squeeze down on them until they were a bloody pulp, but obviously was unable to do so. Still massaging his balls, she slid his dick back into her mouth, this time rubbing it up and down the inside of her cheek as forcefully as she could manage. This caused some rather comical bulges on the outside of her face. ¡°Hmm. It¡¯s starting to feel pretty damn good. But I want more!¡± Jesus-kun suddenly exclaimed, with a sadistic grin on his face. ¡°Wha-¡± Before Gabriella could even begin to stress about what was in store for her, Jesus-kun grabbed her golden hair in both hands, pinning her in place and rammed his crotch into her face, balls-deep. The angel panicked and started struggling, the occasional gagging sound escaping. ¡°No vomiting! As interested as I am in trying out everything life has to offer, I only have one set of clothes at the moment.¡± Jesus-kun had always wanted to try out some deep throat and it did not disappoint. The sensation was incredible. As his tip entered her throat, he could feel an immense pressure as it was forced downwards a bit. The feeling was so good and her struggling, and shifting about, only made it even better. Losing himself to this new sensation, he let go of her hair and just grabbed her head instead and started ramming his tip in and out of her throat. She managed to gasp for air in between on occasion, but he had a feeling she was more than sturdy enough to come away from something like this relatively unscathed. So he did not worry himself too much over potentially damaging his new divine sex toy and carried on thrusting.
Was skull fucking an angel on your list by any chance?
No. Pity I never thought of that. Jesus-kun could feel himself getting close. Gabriella had been struggling to break free all this time, to the point where he was considering just ordering her to keep still. But this was fun in it¡¯s own way. Aside from trying to push him away with her hands, her wings were also now flapping about wildly, occasionally hitting Jesus-kun. This was how he realised how special they were. They were unbelievably soft. Every time they made contact with his body, basically trying to slap him and ultimately failing, leaving behind a bunch of loose feathers, they felt incredible, like some kind of aphrodisiac. Must be a divine thing. This gave Jesus-kun a great idea. His dick was already pulsating, close to firing a load down her throat. So instead, he pulled out of her mouth. She coughed and gasped for air, drool, dripping out her mouth and running down her robe. She was panting heavily, but also quite relieved that she didn¡¯t have to swallow it. This moment of relief was short lived, when she realised why she would not have to swallow it. Jesus-kun had found a much better cum dumpster and was currently stroking his cock with a hand full feathers, aka, on one of her wings. The sensation was out of this world. Whatever these fucking things were made of, they were (cocaine multiplied by sixteen year old pussy) to the power of ten! Or more scientifically: (C.P)^10 In mere moments he released his load and the wing was absolutely coated in a mountain of hot cum. Jesus-kun collapsed to the ground, landing on his naked but. ¡°That was fucking amazing.¡± ¡°My wing! My precious wing!¡± Gabriella was somewhere between angry shouting and shrill screaming at this point, tears in the corners of her eyes, as her hands hovered in mid air just before her dripping outstretched wing, like she wasn¡¯t quite sure what to do about it.
All that, and that¡¯s the part that bothers her the most?
¡°You! You¡¯re fucking dead! I don¡¯t even care if I never go back, I¡¯m going to fucking kill you for defiling my precious wing like this!¡± ¡°Shut up and keep still!¡± And Gabriella was literally frozen in place, which did not stop her from glaring a whole through him with all her might. ¡°Alright, I¡¯m rested up, time for round two!¡± The glare quickly subsided and turned into a look that was somewhere between surprise, shock and horror, as Jesus-kun once more buried himself balls-deep into her mouth. Jesus-kun enjoyed the deepthroat she was ¡®giving¡¯ him while struggling below him, for a good few minutes, before he finally noticed they were not alone. Either he had arrived in the middle of it, or the dust had finally cleared enough for Jesus-kun to notice the guy only now. But either way, there was one very surprised priest staring at the situation in front of him, with a look of shock and wonder.