《An Ex-Sociopath's Story》 Prologue: Suicide is Selfish (Weekend of January 25) I honestly don¡¯t remember the night too well. It was all sort of, like, a blur. Spur of the moment. Most of my videos were like that. Plus it was rather late at night I was just laying on my bed. I¡¯d just gotten rid of my facade and was comfortable showing my face on camera to the small community of people I shared the videos with. Really, it was just because Naomi found the video about her creepy. Why I cared so much is beyond me. Maybe it¡¯s because I don¡¯t like people thinking I¡¯m the weird guy. Because if people start to, people start to abandon me and I go back to my old self; lonely, bored, and contemplating suicide. ¡°Jesus Christ, you¡¯re a living buzzkill,¡± she said. She is Amanda. Best friend since we were five. I never told anyone about her. You¡¯ll see why. ¡°You know, it doesn¡¯t help when you say it,¡± I replied, not fully committed. ¡°It¡¯s been well over a week after the whole Naomi fiasco, though. Why the hell do you still care about her? And why have you been talking tomeabout this?¡± ¡°Your guess is as good as mine!¡± I screamed. Well, it was more like a really raspy whisper, but y¡¯all get the point. ¡°Look, do you want my help, or do you want to spend the rest of the year moping like the anorexic, depressive sack of shit you¡ª¡± ¡°Fine! Just¡­ what do you wanna do?¡± ¡°We gotta talk about this whole¡­ suicide thing. You¡¯ve been threatening to do it for weeks but were too much of a pussy to actually do it,¡± Amanda gets up from the desk next to my bed. I was too lazy to care where she was going. I¡¯ve never been suicidal before¡­ Okay, maybe once. Fifth grade. Hormones were kicking in for me. I was going through puberty faster than everyone else. Went to counseling for a few weeks, didn¡¯t really need it. It¡¯s safe to say fifth grade was my worst year at Junes Landing Middle School. Amanda returned, camera in hand. ¡°Why are people suicidal?¡± ¡°Huh?¡± I responded automatically. ¡°You heard me: Why are people suicidal?¡± ¡°I dunno,¡± I sighed. ¡°There are too many reasons. Factors, really.¡± Amanda rolled her eyes. ¡°Okay, then¡­ why do people self-harm?¡± I learned this from my mom earlier in the year when one of her co-worker¡¯s daughter started to cut herself. ¡°To take the pain away. Just for a little bit. If something else hurts, then they forget they¡¯re suicidal or something. For a while at least. I think.¡± ¡°Don¡¯t you think it¡¯s a little strange?¡± she asked. ¡°Strange? What do you mean?¡± ¡°Like, how do people go through with it? I mean, do they even bother to think about the people they¡¯re hurting or going to be hurting eventually?¡± I can¡¯t lie; it seemed logical. Still does to a certain extent. ¡°It¡¯s sorta¡­despicable,¡± she said with a very weird emphasis on despicable. I snorted. ¡°Okay, ¡®despicable¡¯ may not be the right word.¡± ¡°Then it¡¯s¡ª¡± ¡°Selfish,¡± I suggested. Amanda stopped to think, almost to approve my answer. ¡°Yeah¡­ I guess selfish works.¡± ¡°I mean, we can still use ¡®despicable¡¯ to give it that dramatic effect,¡± I added. `Amanda smiled. ¡°We still need something else,¡± and like that, she was gone again to grab something.Enjoying the story? Show your support by reading it on the official site. I sat up on my bed and grabbed the camera she left behind. She was onto something. Little did she know how much trouble it¡¯d cause. ¡°Yo, asshole!¡± she called, ¡°Get down here to the studio! I got some props!¡± Props? For a video about suicide? As long as my wrist was going to stay in one piece, I went along with it. I get down to my studio¡ªmy basement¡ªand see two things that obviously don¡¯t mix: a kitchen knife and a chess board. ¡°I couldn¡¯t find a briefcase,¡± Amanda sheepishly admitted, ¡°but, I mean, it opens and closes like one. Plus, the knife will fit inside.¡± ¡°For dramatic effect, huh?¡± I said, mostly to myself. ¡°Yup-yup. Look at you, being smart.¡± I smirked in disapproval. This was going to be a controversial video, but I wanted to start a conversation. I ended starting the wrong one. Past me wouldn¡¯t realize that until he wrote this. ¡°So, what do I do with this?¡± I asked, ¡°Do I just showcase it as, like, Exhibit A?¡± ¡°Then what¡¯s Exhibit B?¡± I shrugged. ¡°I just figured I was Exhibit C. You know, anorexic?¡± Amanda rolled her eyes again. Lyrical references to Get Scared weren¡¯t really her thing. I did them to watch her get mad. I set up my small table, placed my chair down, set my ¡°briefcase¡± beside the table, and signaled Amanda to start before she shook her head. ¡°It¡¯s not gonna work,¡± she said. ¡°What do you mean?¡± ¡°Were you expecting to just say, ¡®Suicide is selfish,¡¯ and call it a day?¡± She had a point. I never wrote scripts for my videos, so I really had nowhere to go off from to get my message across. ¡°I¡¯m just saying,¡± she continued, ¡°maybe you could try to come up with a prompt.¡± A prompt. I wasn¡¯t the best at writing with prompts. Maybe speaking in front of a camera may be different. ??? Lunch, third period. It was on Tuesday. I remember it was a Tuesday because I bit the back of my tongue while chewing my pizza and almost started crying. I bit down really hard. You probably would¡¯ve cried, too. I was doing the snack sale with the student council treasurer, Madison. I never liked student council¡ªthis year in particular¡ªbecause of how dysfunctional it ended up becoming¡ªplus one of the moderator¡¯s aunts has been diagnosed with cancer and resulted in her having a rather short fuse that year which also brought frequent mood swings¡ªand because it was generally unenjoyable. Most people, myself included, never seemed to do anything to help, and those who did do so did very minimally. If anything, I did it so it¡¯d look good on my high school and college resume. I considered quitting on multiple occasions, but then I realized that wouldn¡¯t look too good, and just kept my mouth shut. I was zoning out, probably thinking about how to pretend to pack lunches in front of my mom and not end up eating it, when Madison turned to me. I don¡¯t remember the entire conversation, but it went something like this: ¡°Can I tell you something, Enzo?¡± she asked. ¡°Sure,¡± I said, a little too eager. ¡°You¡¯ve kinda been a dick recently¡± ¡°What?!¡± I. Was. Blindsided. I almost cried. Almost. Maybe I bit my tongue at that moment. Madison was one of those friends I really valued, so it honestly sucked to hear her say that. ¡°Yeah,¡± she replied, trying to be smooth and casual and optimistic about it. It came out dry and sarcastic. From my unnecessary studying of zodiac signs and astrology, this was a typical response for a Scorpio. Trust me; I compare a lot of one¡¯s behaviors to zodiac signs. Doesn¡¯t always end well. ¡°But¡­ how?¡± I asked. ¡°Look, I¡¯ve just been going through a lot. And like, the jokes you make about hating yourself, wanting to die¡­ it¡¯s not helping. Especially hat joke at gym class.¡± Context: The gym teacher, Mr. Pehdoe, made some one-liner about Madison. I heckled something that was admittingly uncalled for and rude. ¡°Well, I¡¯m sorry,¡± I automatically replied. That word is going to pop up a lot more, just you wait. ¡°It¡¯s okay,¡± she sighed, ¡°I mean, it¡¯s just¡­ look¡ª¡± she pulled up her sweatpants on her right knee to reveal just a little skin above the knee, and I saw them, ¡°¡ªhere¡¯s proof, I¡¯ve been doing it recently, but Delilah talked me out of it, and has been helping me ever since.¡± She showed me them. The¡­ the¡­ Jesus Christ, she¡¯s gonna kill me if I mention them. ¡°Look, I¡¯ve been getting better. Just... don¡¯t tell anyone, okay?¡± I nodded. I didn¡¯t want to nod. It was just an automatic gesture. I ended up breaking that promise, too. Then I turned it into a story. ??? I told Amanda about the story I was going to use. The one about Madison. We both knew it was going to be a big risk. What if she found the video? What if she killed herself because of it? What if she frames us for the suicide? What if the video falls into the wrong hands, into the hands of someone who¡¯s mentally damaged? Could I be the cause of a suicide epidemic? I shook it off. The doubts, not the video. I probably should¡¯ve. I signaled Amanda to hit record, and I began speaking. That was only the beginning. Chapter 1: Im Not Going to Accept Your Apology (March 8) It¡¯d been a month and a few days, and no one¡¯s seen my video. Or, well, confronted me. I started watching the news. No one had committed suicide over my video. So, I relaxed. I started to forget the video¡¯s existence. Until Madison reminded me of it at recess that Friday, March 8. ??? Earlier in the week, we had to turn in a story. A short story, specifically. Mine was 24 pages. Would¡¯ve been fine if I hadn¡¯t included suicide in my story. The faculty flipped out. My teacher, Mrs. W, pulled me aside the day I turned it in¡ªonce again, a Tuesday, a different one, I think¡ªand asked me if everything was alright. I told her everything was. She still emailed my parents. I don¡¯t think she didn¡¯t believe me; it was probably just appropriate to bring that stuff to light or else she¡¯d be fired. My parents found out on Thursday and wanted to know what was up (I was also set up with an appointment with a new counselor in two weeks). So I told them about Madison. I said the short story was about her. It wasn¡¯t. It never was. It fit in so perfectly, though, so it was worth the shot. I talked with Amanda about it before going through with it. ¡°Your parents think you¡¯re suicidal, you realize that right?¡± she asked, not really wanting an answer. ¡°Well, what do you expect me to do?¡± I was panicking. ¡°Okay, we need to make people think otherwise.¡± ¡°We could use Madison,¡± I suggested. ¡°Are you batshit out of your mind?¡± Amanda shrieked. ¡°Well, it could work. It fits in too perfectly. It¡¯s the perfect way to get ourselves out of the spotlight and have Madison take the heat.¡± ¡°She doesn¡¯t deserve it, though!¡± Amanda reminded me. And she wasn¡¯t wrong, either; Madison didn¡¯t deserve it. ¡°It doesn''t matter whether or not she deserves it; I¡¯m just trying to keep myself alive.¡± ¡°More Get Scared references? At a time like this?¡± It actually wasn¡¯t intentional, but I ignored her reply. ¡°You gotta trust me with this.¡± Amanda paced back and forth around the bedroom before sighing. ¡°Alright, we¡¯ll do it. But you¡¯re a selfish dick.¡± And so, I did it. I told my mom about Madison and, because she was a volunteer at the school and had to follow some protocol, she had to informed the principal. I was fine with this as long as it was kept on the down-low.If you come across this story on Amazon, it''s taken without permission from the author. Report it. My mom told me I should also tell Mrs. W about Madison. Even if I didn¡¯t tell her myself¡ªbecause I didn''t want to¡ª, my mom or the principal would¡¯ve. So, I told Mrs. W about Madison and that was the last person I ever told. ??? Madison asked to talk with me behind the tree. I responded as usual: a little too eager. I tried to calm myself down. She knew about me telling my mom about her. And how I told Mrs. W about it. And how the principal would eventually know. We get over to the tree with myself still trembling. My mom had warned me about getting backlash for informing people about another one¡¯s unhealthy¡ªher words¡ªhabits. ¡°Hey,¡± I start, surprising myself and her, ¡°can I just say I¡¯m sorry?¡± ¡°Sure,¡± she replied, ¡°but I¡¯m not going to accept your apology.¡± Typical Scorpio response, I thought. Warning you now: There¡¯ll be a lot more zodiac sign comparisons. Still, this could very easily turn around, though. All I need to do is¡ª ¡°Me and Delilah saw your videos.¡± Wait, so this isn¡¯t about how I told Mrs. W about her habits or how my mom told the principal? I kept my mouth shut; I¡¯d forgotten about the suicide video until... ¡°What the fuck were you thinking? ¡®Suicide is Selfish¡¯? Enzo, what the fuck was even going through your mind?¡± she asked. And there it was. Blam! Hit right in the face with questions I couldn¡¯t answer. She seemed on the edge of tears, so I knew I had to be careful with my words. But when it came to lying on the spot, I had nothing prepared. ¡°I¡­ I¡­ was talking about it with my friend, my online friend, Jasper, and¡­ we thought it was a good idea, an interesting topic, more like. So, we made the video.¡± ¡°You do realize that¡¯s not what goes through people¡¯s minds when they do commit suicide and self-harm, right?¡± She wasn¡¯t entirely wrong.. To a certain extent, at least. There was some truth in her statement, but she was trying to speak for all suicide and self-harm victims. That¡¯s what it felt like, at least. ¡°Well, it was my opinion,¡± I replied, then proceeded to walk away. ¡°Don¡¯t you fucking walk away from me,¡± she boomed. She didn¡¯t really boom it, but she might as well have. It felt like she boomed it, too. It felt¡­ different. I mean, if I got this sort of shit from someone other than Madison, I would¡¯ve been fine. But for some reason, I was scared of Madison being mad at me. I was afraid to see her messed up, damaged, and almost in tears. I walked back, ¡°Fine, what do you want to say?¡± ¡°It¡¯s just¡­ When Delilah saw that video, she started shaking and crying,¡± Madison managed. I wouldn¡¯t be surprised if that wasn¡¯t particularly true. I never believed it was true; I just thought Madison was trying to make me feel worse about myself knowing I¡¯d go soft if Delilah was involved. She knew my weakness. And it almost worked. Almost worked completely, I should say, because it did work temporarily. ¡°Is there anything else you want to say to me?¡± Madison asked. I sighed, ¡°Other than I¡¯m sorry, no.¡± ¡°Good, don¡¯t talk to me again.¡± And she walked off. Well, we both went our different ways. Looking back now, that¡¯s what sent me into tears. I thought it was because I was more worried about how Delilah felt about me. I ended up being wrong. Chapter 2: "Hey, can I ask you something?" (March 8, a few minutes later) I sulked over to my friend, Bea. She¡¯d known about the videos for a while. She watched them religiously. I was always thankful for that. She was also a good person to turn to. I never thought I¡¯d be friends with someone like her. ??? Hey, can I ask you something? Who¡¯s Jasper? U don¡¯t have to respond if you don¡¯t want to It was the first DM I ever got from her. It was maybe around the same week Madison showed what she showed me, maybe even before that. I was pretty taken aback by the sudden DM. By that time, I¡¯d only mention Bea anonymously as one of my long-time fans in one of my videos. I never understood why she was so dedicated to watching them. They¡¯re just some chic i used to talk to Why do you ask? Just wondering Thought she went to our school or something Also, why are you using ¡°they¡¯re¡± They¡¯re nonbinaryRoyal Road is the home of this novel. Visit there to read the original and support the author. You know, the whole they/them pronoun thing Ah I get it now Here¡¯s a pic of her [insert image file].png Sooo what happened to her? Disappeared. She deactivated without warning That sucks How¡¯d you feel Alone. I ranted to her about Naomi and everything *them And then poof. She just¡­ deactivated *they It was true. Jasper was the only one that listened to me complain about Naomi. It was also true that I sometimes forgot to address them by their preferred pronouns. Regardless, I never told them about the videos. I bet they watched them but decided to keep their mouth shut. Bea and I continued to talk for a while. She was apparently a metalhead (I despised metal with the only exception being Get Scared, who was more borderline metal; something I could tolerate). She even taught me some German. It was just¡­ really nice. I was finally starting to get something I wanted: someone to always talk to. Look If you ever feel lonely just know you could always talk to me Those words really stuck with me. I made it my job to try to not fuck up this friendship. If I ever did, I don¡¯t know what I¡¯d do. ¡°But what about Amanda?¡± you may be asking. Well... ??? I told Bea about everything that just happened between me and Madison. I started to tear up. Only a little¡­ okay, maybe an average amount. Enough to require a hug. I don¡¯t like admitting I¡¯m a crier. I didn¡¯t really know why I was crying. I thought it was, again, because Delilah knew. I convinced myself that was it. ¡°I mean,¡± I sniffed, ¡°I really do like them both, but it¡¯s just¡­ why does it feel so different?¡± ¡°So, why don¡¯t you just tell her that you care about her?¡± Bea asked. It was not the best time to suggest that, but it wasn¡¯t the worst time, either. If anything, it eventually helped me realize I wasn¡¯t crying or upset because Delilah knew. It was because I saw Madison like¡­ that. It was weird, I know. Chapter 3: Stare at Your Own Ass, Not Mine (March 8, around 9:30 PM) I got home that day, exhausted. Amanda was already waiting in my room¡ªshe¡¯d gotten off earlier¡ª, waiting for me to say something. I told her everything, this time being able to withhold tears. ¡°Ah shit, this is bad,¡± she responded. ¡°You think?!¡± I shouted back. ¡°Aight, calm your tits,¡± she was going to grab the camera, ¡°we¡¯re making a follow-up video.¡± ¡°So soon?¡± ¡°Do you wanna just wait it out? Or delete your videos?¡± She had me there. Deleting my videos would be an act of cowardice on my part. I got changed into my usual attire for my videos: grey hoodie, black sweatpants, a beanie. I checked my phone for Instagram (I was slowly starting to use it more frequently) when I got this: Let this be a warning to you¡­ if you insult with me or come for any of my friends again, you will be sister sorry.Also, stare at your own ass, not mine. I dropped the phone instantly. I started shaking. I lied down on my bed, trying to shake the feeling off. Spoiler alert: it didn¡¯t work. Amanda walked back in and rushed over when she saw how I was acting up. ¡°The¡­ The text¡­ DM¡­ whatever the fuck...¡± I muttered. ¡°This is a fucking threat,¡± she growled. ¡°She¡¯s threatening you. I¡¯m calling the police¡ª¡± ¡°Wait!¡± I warned. ¡°What are they gonna do?¡± ¡°Well, they better do something; this bitch just¡ª¡± ¡°Okay, let¡¯s think about this rationally,¡± I¡¯ll run this down by everyone at home: The text was from Alana¡¯s twin sister, Chloe. Chloe¡¯s another close friend of Madison. I used to like Chloe. You know, in a like-like way. The same way I liked¡ªhad liked¡ªMadison. One problem: Chloe had a boyfriend. I still liked her regardless. See where the problem lies? Around two months ago, I told Madison about this because I needed to tell someone or else I¡¯d slip up and blurt it out in a conversation. I wasn¡¯t thinking of telling Chloe for various reasons; we were never that close¡ªbarely acquaintances, really¡ª, I was afraid of what she was gonna say or think of me, and I didn¡¯t want to face the wrath of her boyfriend, Cliff. The looking at her ass part is something I¡¯m willing to admit that it was maybe a misunderstanding. But even as I first read, I thought she just meant staring at her period and she just added ¡°ass¡± to seem all edgy and shit. But as lame as it sounds, my eyes do sorta just look about and stare into space. The most logical explanation was that I was looking at the ground or someshit and Chloe was inconveniently there. I eventually told my parents and my counselor about this whole experience. ¡°But, how sorry is sister sorry?¡± Amanda cautiously asked. ¡°That¡¯s why I¡¯m freaking out!¡± Shaking intensifies. ¡°But, she wouldn¡¯t normally do this, right?¡± She had a point, ¡°Yeah, you¡¯re¡­ you¡¯re right. It¡¯s really¡ª¡± ¡°Out of character.¡± ¡°Almost as if¡ª¡± ¡°Madison told her to do it!¡± we said in unison. Now, I¡¯m unsure if that¡¯s true. But given how Madison was that day, it didn¡¯t seem too out of question Besides, Chloe isn¡¯t really a bitch; she never was, as a matter of fact. She just¡­ acted on impulse. Almost like Madison. Almost.Taken from Royal Road, this narrative should be reported if found on Amazon. I picked up the phone and screenshot the DM. I sent the DM to Bee, a few guys in my class, and made a PSA on my Quotev page about not sending people creepy shit. After I calmed down, I came up with this realization: Chloe probably doesn¡¯t hate or appreciate me any more than she did before and we¡¯re cool. After I did that, I grabbed the camera and marched down to the studio. I set up the table, chair, yatta yatta. Amanda got the camera set up and gave me a thumbs-up to go whenever I¡¯m ready. ¡°I just don¡¯t know¡­¡± I said. ¡°Ah shit,¡± she replied as if she¡¯s heard this numerous times, ¡°you have to do the video, Enzo. Unless you want other people to kill themselves.¡± ¡°It¡¯s not that¡­ I mean, it¡¯s just, how¡¯s Madison gonna think of me?¡± ¡°Why do you even care so much about what she thinks of you at this point? Weren¡¯t you worried about how Delilah thought of you?¡± She had me there. I shook off the feeling and took a minute to think of what I was going to say before letting the camera roll. ¡°You didn¡¯t care when Naomi found your video about her after you thought about, right? If anything, you used it as a stepping stool to popularity!¡± ??? I think I should explain the whole Naomi situation right now. I know it¡¯s right in the middle of the best part, but I¡¯m gonna be referring to it¡ªand have¡ªso I should just get it out of the way. Naomi was, simply put, my best friend. She had been for a year. Even back when I first talked to her, I was sorta desperate for someone I could call a best friend. The type of friend Bee is. My other ¡°best friend,¡± who was sometimes my ¡°boyfriend¡± at times, wasn¡¯t the nicest guy. He had the same mental problems I went through. The difference between him and me was that I found a way to cope with my problems and got myself back on track; he took longer to do so because he was very reluctant to receiving help. I teased him about it all the time. You¡¯ll learn more about him later. But just to put a name in your head so you don¡¯t forget him, his name is Kells. Okay, back to Naomi: She was pretty cool. She was a dorky, a tolerable nerd who was quiet by day, louder that same day if you put her with a different group of people. It was a weird trait. A typical Cancer trait, though. I mean, that was never a problem. The only other Cancers I could compare her to, though, were my mom and Bee. It proved to be very difficult as to predict how she may react to anything since almost every Cancer I¡¯ve encountered up to this point was completely different. Still, we were besties. At first, I thought it was gay, then I knew it was okay to be gay. I mean, as long as people know you''re straight, right? Anyway, this new guy from across the border¡ªI mean¡­ from another school, came to our school. Naomi immediately fell for him. At first, it was a funny joke, but then it was actually really serious. I was getting jealous. I never realized I was jealous until I talked to Delilah about it once. Now, it¡¯s not Delilah¡¯s fault that anything that ended up happening happened. She just helped me realize something: I liked Naomi. Well, more like I thought I liked her; the feelings were never definite. I¡¯d started to question if I did even before Delilah and me talked. I talked to Amanda about it and she seemed pretty split on the idea, too. I ended up doing what I saw as the most mature thing to do: Tell Naomi the possibility that I might like her and try to work it out. Maybe she¡¯ll even talk me out of it! I was wrong. She spazzed out when I told her. It was understandable, I came to realize¡­ eventually. Apparently, she thought I was gay, though¡­ Never understood that part, either. She knew I liked girls. Too many, sure, but I did. I mean, I¡¯ll give her credit where it¡¯s due: I was a walking stereotype of a gay person. Literally: I had the scarf, the attitude, and the ability to insult someone within ten seconds. It still hurt that she just¡­ kinda avoided me for some time after. That drove me insane. I just wanted to try and work things out rationally and she just kept running away. I eventually just accepted for what it was for a while. Inever ended up hating her, though. I tried to for a while, but it made me feel bad. I just couldn¡¯t make myself do it. I guess a part of me wanted to keep going, wanted to strive for a better outcome. So, I talked about her in my video. It was basically my way to cope with how conflicted I was. It was also one of my earlier videos where I hid my identity. It was ominous, to say the least. She found it a few days later¡ªshe still holds the record for the fastest person to find a video of mine made about them¡ªand thought it was creepy, but, as far as I know, she never completely flipped out as Madison did. Other than talking about on the bus, but that was pretty normal. Even then, she mostly just went on about how she thought I was gay and how I was ¡°chasing¡± her. So, yeah. That¡¯s the story. Considering how short it all was, you can prolly figure out why it couldn¡¯t really be a fleshed out story. So I made it a flashback. ??? I gave Amanda the signal to hit record, and I started to apologize for everything I did. Talking about people for the sake of gaining more subscribers and viewers, talking about people without their permission, talking about people in general. It was different from a lot of my other videos. I was really shaky when making it. I felt some weird urge to cry, but Amanda kept giving me dirty looks, so I had to keep my cool. This is when I realized Amanda was changing. Chapter 4: Lukewarm Apologies (March 9, 10:00 AM) I woke up the next morning and ran straight to my PC. Amanda slept over so she could prevent me from committing suicide in my sleep (deep shit, I know, but without her, I would¡¯ve been a goner). Amanda was already up and met me with a cup of coffee in her hand. ¡°Your bipolar excuse of a mom just made some hazelnut coffee, want some?¡± ¡°Just gimme yours,¡± I said grumpily. Amanda slammed it down on the table right next to my keyboard. "This is black,¡± I criticized. ¡°Well, excuse me, Jim Crow,¡± she hissed, ¡°besides, I figured you needed it.¡± She responds, more to her phone than me. ¡°Hey, do you think I should text Cliff some rumor about Chloe to get them to break up or do you wanna do the honors?¡± I sighed. ¡°Look, Amanda, I have nothing against Chloe. She just acted out and it scared me. I¡¯m over it. I don¡¯t hate her or anything.¡± ¡°Do you even like her anymore?¡± ¡°I don¡¯t think I ever did; I think I just liked the idea of the type of person Chloe was and wanted to be with someone like that.¡± ¡°So, a Leo?¡± Amanda asked. She was actually wrong; I didn¡¯t realize that for a while. I did my research, and I found out that the Leo season started later than I thought. In other words, Chloe¡¯s a Cancer. Another incompatible zodiac sign and further evidence that literally no two Cancers are the same. But if there¡¯s one sign I don¡¯t seem to click with, it¡¯d have to be Pisces. I have Kells to thank for that. ??? Now might be a good time to talk about Kells. His story is an interesting one; heck, if this story about Madison goes well, I can make a spinoff off of Kell¡¯s shitshow of a life. Basically, Kell¡¯s life was just sucking hard. Next to no one believed in his right-wing conservative Christian views and he got irate when someone mocked him. I was his favorite someone. I was a major dick to him. He was one grade above mine, so throughout his last three years at Junes Landing Middle School, I seemed to have mentally degraded him. He ended retaliating to some avail, but you can never bullshit a bullshitter. This one time at recess was the greatest, though, because he did some stupid monologue about how in the fall, everything dies; relationships, friendships, shit like that. Then in the winter, it all froze over. I forget what happens in the spring and summer. At one point, I¡¯m pretty sure I even said under my breath that I was surprised he hadn¡¯t killed himself yet. He was right next to me. He started to cry¡ªunderstandably¡ªand I sorta just made some tamer jokes about him being a pussy. Trust me, though, he wasn¡¯t only a pussy; he was an alcoholic. He brought whiskey to the school dance and then was mixed between sad and angry that whole night. Then he denied it. Earlier this year, I made a fanfiction about us as a present for a friend. If you ask for it, I¡¯ll be more than glad to deny your offer. Don¡¯t worry, though; you only missed out on me talking about how big his dick was (it really wasn¡¯t; I did it for the irony) and how he kissed me on the cheek and then I mocked him for it. Jesus Christ, that was the best story I ever wrote. But I did drive Kells to go sorta¡­ mad. That, and a lot of other factors, but I was one of them. I even got him kicked off the student council because he disagreed with my belief in evolution (his belief was spiritual, mine was practical) and called me a cunt right in front of Mrs. Mullinski. Kells was also sorta crazy for someone in his class. I thought nothing of it until I realized that someone had very similar interests to me and then I liked her too. He got mad at me for it, tried to talk me out of it saying that I¡¯m just confused and going through changes (mind you, he¡¯s been rejected twice). It was whatever, though. I just feared of becoming like Kells. Or this other ginger named Allodem. He¡¯s not important: he also liked the same girl, was even crazier and extreme about getting his way with her, and almost no one liked him. He seemed chill, though. But deep down, he was starting some freaky shit. Allodem and Kells were the two guys I didn¡¯t want to turn into, especially after Delilah found out about the videos. Unfortunately, I fit right in with them. ??? I took a sip of my black coffee and pulled up YouTube. Madison responded to my apology video. I didn¡¯t want to read all of it; it seemed mostly fueled on anger, and I wanted a professional response. Apparently, though, I tried to shove my opinion down her throat? I mean, even if that is true, she seemed to be implying it as if it were intentional. I then pulled up Gmail. No email from Delilah yet. Good, I could approach her first. "You¡¯re going to email your long-time crush apology?¡± I rolled my eyes. ¡°Sheesh, I¡¯m trying to be mature.¡± ¡°I¡¯m sorry?¡± Amanda raised an eyebrow, ¡°You¡¯re not going to defend her after what I said?¡± ¡°What you said wasn¡¯t even that mean. Besides, I don¡¯t like her anymore.¡± Amanda gasped. It was actually exaggerated, but there was some genuine shock. ¡°You¡¯re surprised?¡± ¡°Um, yeah! You¡¯ve been insane over her for like, what, a year? I mean, that¡¯s longer than all of your crushes!¡± That technically wasn¡¯t true; I had a crush on someone else who was two grades above me for three years. No point in telling Amanda that, though.The tale has been illicitly lifted; should you spot it on Amazon, report the violation. "Did you just wake up and decide that she isn¡¯t good enough for you?¡± Amanda asked, testing me. ¡°She¡¯s not an object,¡± I replied, a little defensive, ¡°I¡¯m just¡­ moving on. And that¡¯s okay.¡± "But don¡¯t you still want to, like, get to know her more?¡± ¡°Yeah, but that doesn¡¯t mean I¡¯m into her romantically. She¡¯s just a really cool friend. Besides, I wouldn¡¯t be surprised if she were taken.¡± "Be careful what you wish for,¡± Amanda mumbled. I ignored it. ¡°Hey, I need your help with this email,¡± I tilted to PC in Amanda¡¯s direction. ¡°Seems easy, let me do it.¡± I let her type it while I went to put cream in my coffee. When I returned, I wasn¡¯t happy. Yo girl, I just wanna say that I¡¯m sorry for what I did. You know I love you and I¡¯d never do anything to hurt you, though. No hetero, though, because I don¡¯t like you no mo. Found another girl to go after. Your boi, Enzo. ¡°I¡¯ll give you a head start while I look for the knife in the chess bo¡ª¡± ¡°Aight, sheesh,¡± Amanda said, laughing. She held the BackSpace key to return to a blank email. ¡°This needs to be perfect, Amanda! Can¡¯t you take this seriously?¡± ¡°Calm yourself,¡± she raised her hand right in front of my face, ¡°I¡¯mma fix it.¡± Yo, Hey, I dunno if you hate me or whatever, but I just want you to know that however you feel ¡®bout me is completely irrelevant since I hate you. ¡°Why are you making me sound like that?¡± I asked. ¡°I¡¯m sorry,¡± Amanda rolled her eyes, ¡°do you want to go back to sounding like a black Soundcloud rapper?¡± That wasn¡¯t the point. ¡°Just¡­ let me do it.¡± Yo, I just want to say sorry about everything. This apology is also pretty overdue, so I also apologize for that. I was just recording the apology video last night and completely forgot to reach out to you personally. If anything, though, I¡¯ve been completely frustrated by how everyone¡¯s been reacting over it; if you ever want to talk about this after it blows over, that¡¯s fine. Or you can just ignore my existence. No shade or anything; I¡¯ll quickly get the message. Sincerely, Me ¡°Was that ¡®Sincerely, Me¡¯ at the end really necessary?¡± Amanda asked, going to delete it. ¡°I¡¯m just trying to show that, you know, I¡¯m chill and it¡¯s all cool,¡± I replied, lacking the confidence my sentence needed. ¡°Well, just don¡¯t expect anything extraordinary to occur; she¡¯s a Scorpio. And you know what I tell you literally every single day, right?¡± ¡°Never mess with a Scorpio,¡± I recited, ¡°I get it. ¡°And then you fucked it up with Madison.¡± ¡°Her reasons for being angry were justified, you know.¡± ¡°Yeah, because she¡¯s mentally damaged.¡± I retreated a bit. ¡°Why would you say that?¡± ¡°Well, I mean, it¡¯s more like you were the cause of her now worsening mental state.¡± ¡°That¡¯s stupid,¡± I scoffed, ¡°I only did that with, like, Kells. And that was even unintentional.¡± ¡°But it certainly worked, didn¡¯t it?¡± I wanted to answer, but she continued, ¡°I¡¯m just warning you: Use your emotional manipulation wisely. In the end, you¡¯ll end up messing up yourself more than your victims. And like that, Amanda left without a proper goodbye. She was really starting to act¡­ different. ????? Around three o¡¯clock that same day, I got a response from Delilah. I never read it. From what I remember, there were 4-5 paragraphs. Out of everyone, Delilah was the only one that gave me what I wanted: a professional, thought-out response. For some reason, I just couldn¡¯t bring myself to read the email. It just wouldn¡¯t sit well with me. I called Amanda back over. She read some of it. Most of the highlights were ¡°I just can¡¯t believe you¡¯d do this. Any of this.¡±, ¡°If you mess with Madi, you¡¯re gonna have to mess with me.¡±, and most infamously ¡°I hope you¡¯re getting help because I¡¯m worried for you, dude.¡± ¡°Damn, she thinks you belong in a mental hospital,¡± Amanda finally said. ¡°She does not,¡± I rolled my eyes trying to not freak out. ¡°I mean, at least she wants you to get better.¡± ¡°And no one else does?¡± ¡°Well, Madison wants to chop your dick off, that¡¯s for certain.¡± No comment. "But, think about like this: Delilah isn¡¯t mad at you.¡± ¡°She is," I mumbled. ¡°Maybe she is, maybe she isn¡¯t. But I¡¯m reading this email and¡­ it just seems like confusion.¡± Confusion? About what? About how I was able to send people into depressive and anxious episodes? "She knows this isn¡¯t normal of you. I know this isn¡¯t normal of you. Naomi knew it wasn¡¯t normal of you when you made the video about her. Hell, once Madison calms down, she¡¯ll realize it isn¡¯t normal of you.¡± ¡°Then why hasn¡¯t Bea freaked out over the video? She was the very first person to see it and even commented about the knife and chess board!¡± ¡°Prolly ¡®cause you didn¡¯t use her struggles as a hypothetical example.¡± Her answer was a little narrow, but for what he was trying to do¡ªtalk me out of doing anything risque or having a full blown anxiety attack¡ªit calmed me down. Besides, I started to get a few new ideas for my next move. ¡°We need to rebrand the channel,¡± I suddenly said. ¡°Again?¡± Amanda groaned. ¡°Because of how Delilah feels about you getting help?¡± I didn¡¯t give an exact answer; instead, ¡°Well, I mean, people apparently want to know that I¡¯m going to therapy, right? So if I tell them I¡¯m going to therapy, then they¡¯ll back off for a while.¡± ¡°Then¡­ what about Madison?¡± She was right. I needed to give the Madison story some proper closure, ¡°We could say that she¡­ you know,¡± I started talking with eyebrows so Amanda could get the message. ¡°We¡¯re not going to fake her death, Enzo, that¡¯ll probably end us up in jail.¡± We actually back and forth on the idea. But after Amanda heard my 50 stories on how I wanted the cause of death to be¡ªthree of which including being caught in a mudslide, eaten by a lion, or run over by a shitty purple Scion¡ªshe threatened to leave unless I stopped making videos entirely. ¡°Alright, we won¡¯t say she died,¡± I finally gave in. ¡°Good, you were really starting to get me worried. I mean, talk about being the mastermind behind the downward spiral of the mental state of a girl, am I right? Seriously, did you really think you were going to¡ª¡± ¡°Aight, I fucked up!¡± I shouted, then, ¡°Aight¡­ that can be the name of my new series!¡± Amanda started to pace around the room, saying it a couple of times. ¡°Yeah, it sounds¡­ black.¡± After my second threat of the day to get the knife out of the chess board, Amanda finally refrained from making any more black jokes. We spent the rest of the day planning how we were going to set up the story. The final product came to be this: I¡¯ll say that I¡¯ll be going to therapy and make my parents and therapist aware of my videos. I¡¯ll say I¡¯m on antidepressants and all that jazz. Amanda also gave me a blue journal to use. She said it¡¯d be safer to not talk about people in videos anymore, but rather in journal entries. So I added the ¡°fact¡± that my ¡°therapist¡± told me to write in the journal regularly as part of the treatment. There was obviously no therapist or antidepressants, but I did use the journal to ease down my paranoid thoughts and jot down observations about people that seemed to stand out or change. No, I would never actually provide any help¡ªI wasn¡¯t a trained professional, after all¡ªbut it was a good way to get my thoughts out of my head and keep them private and safe. This eventually became the story on my new rebranded channel, That Queer Idiot. Chapter 5: Counseling (March 21, 11:00 AM) Out of all my experiences in counseling, this was the shortest. Technically, I only have one other experience to compare it to (three years ago), so it''s not like there was any competition. I''m not even sure if counseling is the right word to use, though. I only refer to it as such because that''s how my parents introduced it to me. But when I got the card, it said "Senior Therapist." That''s when I started to see it more as therapy than counseling. Regardless of what it was, I lied about going to it earlier than I did. ??? It was part of the new plan with That Queer Idiot; a new storyline, new characters, and, most importantly, new content. Of course, that brought upon a few lies. I''ve just got back from track practice when I decided I wanted to make a video to kick off the channel. What happened was that a seventh grader¡ªMark, I think¡ªbelieved that I looked at Chloe''s ass and wanted to know if it was true or not. Obviously, I said it wasn''t. Then he told me that Madison screen-recorded the videos I''d deleted to make way for my new channel. At this point, I was afraid she was really going to frame me for her suicide or sue me for possible psychological damage to others (even now, I''m not sure if that''s a criminal offense). Then he told me that Madison told Delilah how I was jealous of how close they were. I had that conversation with Madison a few weeks before she confronted me about the video. And... yeah, I told her about my jealousy. It wasn''t, like, intense jealousy. It was a weird mix of confusion and jealousy, I think. Whatever it was, Madison told me Delilah would tear my head off if she found out or if I told her myself. That didn''t help; I freaked out. It''s one thing for someone to threaten to tear my head off, but it''s another for a Scorpio threatening to do so (or saying that another Scorpio would, in this case). So, after practice, I made my first video. I talked mainly about how I was "going to therapy" and how my "therapist" "knew about the videos along with my parents." Then I showed the camera my journal. It was a basic blue copybook, but I wrote in it daily after the Madison disaster. I talked about how I wrote about my thoughts, other things people did I deemed as weird, and it was true. I still have the journal today, actually. Then I needed to set the record straight that I was asexual. I was kinda reluctant to admitting my asexuality because it isn''t generally accepted and viewed as "valid" by some of the LGBTQ+ community. Despite this, I needed to tell people I didn''t experience sexual attraction. This was mainly done to end the rumor that I stared at Chloe''s ass. Whether or not it worked is beyond me; I''m hoping it did. ??? This time in counseling was different than the others for another reason, too. That was because both my parents would be present during the session. This wasn''t bad; I could''ve cared less. I didn''t mind them knowing about things they didn''t know. I mean, just as long as none of those things were about the videos. Amanda promised to be there, as well, but she never showed up. So I was on my own. I mean, I have to admit one thing: It wasn''t as bad as I thought it''d be. The whole place, first off, got a renovation and looked somewhat more inviting than three years ago. My new counselor/therapist was better at her job than my last one. Now, that might be hard to really judge, but if I was able to be more open with this one, you know that she''s good. After arriving, my parents and I had to sign a bunch of legal stuff. I''m bringing this up because last time we didn''t have to all of this; we just sat in the waiting room for 30 minutes as analyzed the room for anyone who seemed to be in a worse state than me. Basically, I didn''t want to go to counseling because the whole thing was a misunderstanding. Now it was my job to execute that idea flawlessly and be out of here within 15 minutes. The counselor/therapist eventually called all of us into her room. The room was significantly much smaller than I remembered. Not that I was starting to become claustrophobic or anything; it was just something I wasn''t prepared for. I didn''t want to begin hyperventilating and then suddenly feel claustrophobic all of the sudden. The session began differently this time, though. The counselor/therapist, Rachelle, went over some policies and legal stuff and there was some more paper signing. Then there was some confidentiality policy that got me intrigued but I honestly don''t remember what it entailed at all. Then Rachelle asked me if I wanted my parents to stay or leave during the session. I think the confidentiality policy applied to something about this. "Just know," she said, "if you admit anything like doing drugs or alcohol, I will have to tell your parents that as it is within the policy that we can do that." So, there was a protocol. This is when I realized that my mom wasn''t the one to blame because she told the principal that Madison had been... well, cutting herself (I''ve been slowly accepting it as reality); she just had to follow the protocol because she was a volunteer at the school.The story has been illicitly taken; should you find it on Amazon, report the infringement. "No, they can stay," I said with a subtle smile. I could tell my parents were somewhat relieved that they felt accomplished of a son who''s willing to admit everything without privacy. Of course, I didn''t tell them the videos. Rachelle smiled more obviously than me. "Alright, now let me see here," she looked at her PC, "it says here that you have been here before with Lisa, who isn''t here anymore, and... Wow, it was around the same time as today. Spring fever, huh?" Everyone sorta chuckled. It was sorta eerie that it was around the same time as three years ago. The only reason I was here before was that this one chic was giving me a hard time at school and when my teacher saw that my grades were slipping, I told her that I''d previously thought of suicide. Previously. I wasn''t thinking of doing it then when I told her or later. It was just in the past. I was perfectly fine, otherwise. Besides, the chic was having a rough time with her parents'' divorce¡ªI only learned it was a divorce a year later¡ªand her actions were seemingly justified. If anything, I just got in the way. "Well," Rachelle said, looking away from the PC, "let''s start at the beginning." Alright, all I have to do is leave out the videos. They don''t need to know. They were already deleted, I apologized, it''s done. ??? Amanda and I stayed up late talking about how the session was going to go. I didn''t need her to tell me what to do; I would''ve messed it up anyway. "Do you think I should mention the videos?" I asked her. "Mention the videos and then... what? Have your parents watch over your shoulder on everything you do till you graduate high school? Jesus, sometimes you can be really funny." "Amanda, I''m serious." She narrowed her eyes at me. Then sighed as she slouched on the couch. I''d been pacing back and forth around the room, waiting to hear something from her. "Okay, I won''t mention the videos," I said after an unintentional silence, "but I need to tell them something!" "Enzo, it''s not that hard," Amanda said with an attitude. "Just do what you did with your mom and everyone at school." "Tell them that...?" "The story, Enzo." "Oh! Right, the story. I should say that the story I wrote was based on Madison?" "Exactly. See, you''ve got it," Amanda smiled at what very little I actually did. "But the videos¡ª" "The videos were just a phase, Enzo," Amanda cut me off, now getting up from the couch to look me in the eye. "Admit it: You''re lonely, miserable, and just want to have a girlfriend." No comment. It was true. "And you played with fire by making that video knowing there was a huge risk that someone unstable would find¡ª" I stifled a laugh. "Okay, I''m sorry, but if I remember correctly, you were the one that came up with the idea." Amanda rolled her eyes. "Yes, blame it on anyone but yourself. Yeah, see where that gets you." "But you¡ª" "I asked you a question, you answered it and you willingly made that video because you were desperate." "Well, I had to make that video, I was behind schedule," I replied, a little more desperately than intended. "Were you behind schedule¡ª" "Yes!" I said, wide-eyed. "¡ªor is there another reason why you started the channel?" Silence. I wiped my eyes. It was getting late. I needed some fucking sleep. I always start acting like Kells when I''m up at night: angry, drunk, and believing in conspiracy theories that are really stupid. "I''ll talk to you when you stop lying to yourself," Amanda said in an almost-whisper. Amanda was definitely different. But why? ??? I started speaking. I told the Rachelle about Madison, how the story was "based on her." My mom filled in the missing key points. My dad stayed quiet throughout most of the session. Rachelle was rather pleased with how well I maintained myself. I always hated that part of me. The part that acts older than it should. I''m only 14, and I''m thinking like a high school senior while not focusing on how to get better at eighth-grade social studies or science. Rachelle honestly thought I was already a freshman in high school. Boy, I wish I was. I''d be out of class that was hormone-driven and, for the most part, liberal. No, I didn''t have a problem with liberals, per se; I just don''t like the extreme ones. Some of their policies aren''t in my favor, too, but as long as they aren''t burning down colleges or trying to deport Ben Shapiro, Steve Crowder, or Milo Yiannopolous, then I was fine with them. Plus, both my parents were Republican¡ªso was Kells, though he was more radical; another reason why he wasn''t very popular and the butt of a lot of jokes. I have to say, though, there were a few things that were interesting during the session. I told Rachelle that I didn''t really talk to anyone outside of school and my house was fairly quiet, so I got lonely. She asked me if my actions¡ªrelating to my story¡ªwere linked to loneliness, saying that people do such things because they''re lonely. I said yes, taking a mental note to mention it in a video. She also related most of my feelings to those of a teenage girl. I couldn''t help but smile; it was that or laugh. I guess either would''ve been fine, now that I think about. Although I''m not sure if my parents thought I was gay from then on out. Regardless, Rachelle just explained that everything just went back to puberty, changing hormones, all the boring shit I forgot about but realized to be true. I even linked it to Madison''s behavior. Sure, I talked about her anonymously and her anger was justified, but if she weren''t on mood swings, everything could''ve ended somewhat more rationally. That is, I hope it would''ve. With that, Rachelle concluded that I didn''t need to come back to counseling/therapy. I was actually kinda bummed to hear that, especially since Rachelle was pretty cool and was less stern than Lisa. Even so, Rachelle still gave me and my parents her card in case anything comes up. Even today, I still have her card in my pocket as some sort of hope that things will get better for me. I just needed to have patience. Chapter 6: Aftermath (Present Day) Not a lot really happened from counseling up until today. I guess we should put some closure on some things that need some closure, though. Let''s talk about Chloe, first. We talked it out, she and I. Well, sorta. I was reluctant to do it because I figured there was nothing to honestly explain: I screenshot something that she DMed me while she wasn''t thinking straight, I shared it, I was a dick. I apologized, we moved on, she told me that Madison just wants an apology from me that''s sincere¡ªI''ve been trying to do it but haven''t met up to her expectations¡ª, done deal. Madison and I talked, too. I tried to apologize, but it came out more desperate than sincere and she thought it was bullshit. She said I ruined her life; no comment. She later apologized for getting over-the-top. It seemed more like a joke to produce some mirror image of me; I accepted it regardless, we sorta moved on. As of late, I''ve been trying to force our friendship back together by throwing jokes at her and forcing myself to listen to Billie Eilish, but ultimately nothing got too far. I kinda retreated to making myself look retarded so she¡ªand Delilah, in some cases¡ªcould laugh at something, but it wasn''t something to make her forget what I did to her. I saw her talking to Naomi while I was talking to Bea. I''m unsure what they were talking about, but they were either trying to make me jealous, paranoid, or planning my murder. Because if you want to chop someone''s dick off, you might as well rip the other organs out. Speaking of Bea, we still talk. She''s almost like Kells but doesn''t debate with me 24/7. Kells and I don''t talk anymore, though. I''ve been thinking of starting up some podcast where we''d talk about random shit that ends up with me making him cry, rage, or both, but no offer has been made yet. Besides, he''s been "busy" with all his new clubs. Busy enough to stop talking to people entirely. He''s a lonely Irish boi, now. I had a falling out with Amanda. Well, it was more like... Actually, just witness the flashback; you''ll get the idea. ??? It was after school, the same day I cleared things up with Chloe and Madison. I was on my PC, writing an eventually-scrapped idea of a novel. Amanda was on my bed reading some book I didn''t care to see. "Geez, why do you have all these books about a teenage girl''s problems?" she asked. "Name one book that deals with a guy going through teenage problems," I replied sourly. "Be More Chill, Dear¡ª" "Okay, nevermind. Just... I''m busy." "Writing a piece of shit you''ll later scrap?" At this point, I''ve had it. I slammed my fist on the table. "Okay, be straight with me: Why are you being so moody all of the sudden?" "What?" she asked, dumbfounded. She really didn''t know, did she? "I mean, you used to be really cool. When we were little, you know? And earlier this month, you were cool, too! But now... you''re so moody."The author''s tale has been misappropriated; report any instances of this story on Amazon. "''Moody,'' huh?" She tried the word on for size. "I think the word is more like... Analytical." What the fuck does she mean? "I mean, you''re just refusing to believe in the truth." "I''m the only one trying to tell everyone the real story here, Amanda; this isn''t something I''m manipulating on my own." "Face it, asshole," she said, now making eye contact with me, "you lost. Madison is manipulating the story now. Everyone wants to be her friend now because she''s the innocent victim." "Because she is," I admitted. "She''s painting you like a criminal, for Christ''s sake!" "So?" "''So?'' The only reason she''s any more popular than before if because you ruined her life." "I didn''t ''ruin'' anyone''s life." "But that video is the best thing that ever happened to her. Otherwise, people wouldn''t approach her and she''d be back to where she started: alone frightened, and being in the way of you getting closer to Delilah." I laughed. Not a lot, but enough to surprise both of us. "Why does this go back to Delilah? She probably found someone at this point, anyway. Good for her; I needed to move on, anyway." "You hurt her, too, Enzo. She needed someone to lean on so she could feel safe since she was under the impression that you''re a sociopath." Amanda wasn''t making any sense. "What do you mean?" "I''m saying that if she did find someone, it''s on your hands," Amanda explained as if first-grade shit everyone knew. "So, you''re saying that my video prompted people to feel lonely and scared and the only reason they found someone or other people is because of their fear and loneliness of my video?" "By fucking George, I think he''s got it!" Amanda exaggerated three loud claps. "You do realize that''s really stupid, right?" "Is it, though? Or are you refusing to get your reality check?" "But it''s not reality¡ª" "Chloe''s a bitch, Madison''s a bitch¡ª!" "No one is the ''bitch'' other than you." No response from the Amanda. That''s new. "Still, I don''t know why you''re acting up¡ª" "For the love of god, Enzo, I''m not fucking real!" The world seemed to stop spinning. Time just seemed to stop. I looked away at my creation. An imaginary friend from age five to a monster at age 14. "Look, you can''t just turn around, admit your faults, and expect everything to revert to normal. People are complicated and they always will be." "Why am I still listening to you," I mumbled. "Wh¡ª" "I know that people are hurting, Amanda. I know I''m not the victim. I know that I don''t deserve to live anymore, and I know damn well that I used lies and emotional manipulation as a last resort to get back everything I lost!" "You can get rid of all of this; the knife is¡ª" "I''m not a coward." "I wasn''t going to say¡ª" "I''m not going to open a vein and regret it later; do you know what people will think of me?" Again, no response. "I''m done using pity to get what I want from others. I''m gonna settle this my way, now; I don''t need you anymore. You''re nothing but a waste of space. Goodbye." Then she was gone. Just... poof. Everything resumed as if nothing had happened. As if Amanda was nothing at all. ??? So, yeah, I got rid of Amanda. It was the best thing for me to do, obviously. She was holding me back from settling this the best way I could: a story. There are a lot of things that are left unanswered: Will Delilah and Madison forgive me? Will Amanda come back? Why are all Cancers different? Why do I overthink everything? Why did Bea stick with me throughout this entire mess? Even if I don''t have the answers, I still have a story. An ex-sociopath''s story.