ã€ŠThe Main Character! : The Hero&#x27;s Epic Journey Continues!ã€‹


 That Recap Episode You Always Skip

    Season 1 Part 1 Recap

    Hey, everyone, Main Character here. I¡¯ve had quite an incredible journey so far. So incredible, that it¡¯s clearly imprinted on your mind for all eternity. Buuut, for all those people who like to begin with the second part first, all six of you, and to everyone who recently had their memories wiped by Tetsuya Nomoreplease, this episode is for you. For everyone else, I know what you¡¯re thinking: recap episodes are a bore. Well, you¡¯re right. But they can be fun if they have some new content or have the characters make up their own versions and then get called out on it by their friends. Or better yet, if they are accurate but everyone is drawn as a duck! Duckzerker forever! But enough fanboying. It¡¯s time to recount my incredible story thus far. There will be ten things I modify from the original cannon. If you¡¯re a master and you spot them all, I give you permission to pat yourself on the back and feel good about yourself. Let¡¯s get this recap going!

    I wasn¡¯t always an unnaturally attractive Shounen protagonist with fighting hair. My story began on a train. My parents, who will be simply known as Worthless Mom and Worthless Dad, didn¡¯t want a kid so when Worthless Mom gave birth, she pushed extra hard and shot me out the window. Orphaned at the moment of my birth would have likely crushed my spirit and make me feel unloved. But an angel came to my rescue. Sleek black hair, gorgeous red eyes and a powerful sense of loneliness that led him to take in an abandoned orphan¡­Best Friend is true perfection. I¡­I wouldn¡¯t be here without him. We lived together for many years at Lost Keys Orphanage, growing closer every night we slept in the same sleeping bag. The scent of blood became comforting to me because I knew it meant he was close by. He trained me not just in self-defense, but in anime. We watched and reviewed so many animes together. We were internet celebrities, but fame can lead to misfortune and what happened next, well you already know.

    April first two-thousand nine-teen was a particular tricky April Fools. Article thirteen was recently passed, putting all of us content creators at risk. Our entire channel, the empire that Best Friend and I had built, was shut down. It was the end of everything, but every end leads to a new beginning. Except for death followed by cremation of course, that only leads to ashen white washing. Turned out our biggest fan, my biggest fan, AngelLolipop8, is an actual real life girl, and has not only been attending the same school as me but was living with me for years. This little stalker chose me to be her village¡¯s hero, which had some rather unsettling side-effects. Her shy and polite father came into Watson Elementary and slaughtered my classmates to capture me. Apparently being murdered by cloaked dimensional assassins is the only way for Earthlings to travel to their world. At the time I thought my life was over.

    It wasn¡¯t over though. In fact, this is where my journey began. I awoke in a hospital bed. Regrettably, my know-it-all teacher, Glasses Kid, was there too. Once I had recovered from my injuries via loli saliva. Don¡¯t ask. Seriously, just don¡¯t. I left the clinic. It was then that I encountered Banana Man, a produce patriot and doting father who not only gave me a thick juicy banana, but also my first quest. We met with Old Dude soon after; he¡¯s the Village of Doomed¡¯s chief. He tried to con me into being a hero for free, but Best Friend and I managed to persuade him to change his mind. I swore to be the village¡¯s hero that day, in return for a sexy harem.

    That night we all went to Onzen, a hot-spring nearby the village. Those of you who bought the regular disc or BOB-ray edition of the first part of my first season already know what happened, but to everyone else¡­here¡¯s the summary, you cheap skates. Best Friend was in a sexy bathing suit! I won¡¯t say what it looked like but will instead leave you with a link to where you can purchase it. Sphereofcompassion.com/products/. You¡¯re welcome. Anyways, so while Best Friend and I were splashing each other while shirtless, a Goopy appeared at the hot-spring. She had taken the shape of my love pillow girlfriend. No, I did not forget to mention I had a girlfriend just so my female viewers would think I¡¯m single, she just wasn¡¯t all that relevant until this part. Anyways, Stalker told me all about Goopies, how they consume heroes so they can have kids and well, it touched my heart. I couldn¡¯t give up my life to Boobslime, that¡¯s the incredibly clever and equally respectful name I gave the Goopy who stole my girlfriend¡¯s identity, so instead I found some angry bigot villager and fed him to Boobslime. Later that night she thanked me by coming to me and kissing me as Best Friend. Weird right? What does she think I like him or something? Girls and their crazy fujoshi fantasies. And then, well, she left with Stalker to do¡­stuff. I hope to see her again someday. Oh, and at the end Best Friend came and we cuddled. It was super adorable you really should buy it and watch the OVA. Here¡¯s the link again. Sphereofcompassion.com/products/.Taken from Royal Road, this narrative should be reported if found on Amazon.

    Anyways, the next morning came and for some dumb reason, after murdering and kidnapping us, they wanted us to prove ourselves worthy of being heroes. To do this, they sent the only female from Papuwawa to test us. Brawny Babe is the name I gave her. She is an impossibly skilled archer who has no friends. Naturally, with my youthful charisma, I turned her into an ally after harnessing the power of Friendship. Oh, Friendship is a rocket launcher by the way, and one that is very particular about gender pronouns.

    The battle was won, so it was time to complete my first quest. I went into the forest with Best Friend to collect some quest related bananas, but we were suddenly surrounded by memory erasing toxins from the nearby Memshrooms. Banana Man came to our rescue. Take that in for a minute, a side quest NPC actually got off his ass and went to go complete his own quest. Crazy, right? It was then that we learned he had an exactly eighteen-year-old daughter who was captured by Flam¡¯s army. We promised to complete this urgent quest for him, for mostly selfless reasons. After that, we all gathered by a campfire to enjoy some non-lethal mushrooms. I learned that Stalker knew my every thought through her Main Character diary and was also warned about some dangerous creature by Brawny Babe. I walked off before I could hear the whole story, keeping me safe from the mythical beast. I also asked Stalker to find out what turns on my best friend, for purely scientific reasons of course. Well instead of getting attacked by some magical creature, we were ambushed by the Love Dictator, also known as Flamboyant Villain. This tacky psychopath was the cause of so much misery. As a hero, I was going to beat him down and save everyone. Well, that would have been too easy right? I¡¯m smart, so instead I let myself get beaten and kissed, which apparently gave my hair shape-shifting powers. Yeah, I still don¡¯t really get it. I also allowed Stalker to get kidnapped so I could have my own Bleached arc. After that I learned that the village I swore to protect, to get a harem, was under attack.

    Armed only with the power of Friendship, and no actual friends, I rushed in to get as many hero points as possible. Sadly there were some stooges in cosplay, known as the BattleShippers, that got in my way. One of them almost got a little boy killed, but I saved him. I saved his life and he was super grateful. I¡¯m his Cap¡¯n ¡®Murica now. I bravely ran off to the brothel to protect the fragile strippers. This is where I met TomCat, a CatBoy general of Flamboyant Villain¡¯s army. She had nearly killed me, but I tactfully fought her, purposely holding back so my friends could show up. When they did show up, they killed her, despite her being super hot. It was a sad day for all thicc girl enthusiasts. Assailant learned his daughter had been kidnapped and left, taking my girlfriend with him. My team rushed to the medical tent to stop Flam¡¯s army from gaining control of me by stealing a mystical rock. I know; it¡¯s clich¨¦ and stupid too. Flam took over my POV and I saw quick flashes of what he was experiencing, one of which was Stalker in tears. This vision of my fan in peril lit a fire in my spirit and I valiantly took down the CatBoy soldiers until we made it to the medical tent.

    A fearsome dragon and CatBoy General by the name of MewNyah stood in our path, but we took them down without too much trouble. Shortly after we split up, a genius idea I came up with, a resurrected TomCat attacks me. Despite Flam wanting me alive, she tries to kill me. Since I¡¯m so nice to my friends, I released my grip on the spotlight. This allowed auto-pilot me to fight TomCat, letting me see what the others are doing. Glasses Kid takes down a CatBoy commander and his entire team by being a clever lying sack of shit. He then convinces Fruity that she loves her dad. Oh shit! I just realized that little prick stole the quest from me! Is he trying to become the main character of my male fantasy story? Asshole! Oh, the recap, yeah. Um, so Brawny Babe rescues some kids who were turned into pets and then fights Nemesister X or something. Honestly, I didn¡¯t really understand that part. Best Friend frees the animals of the zoo with a single slice. Banana Man and him then fight against CatScratch; a deadly CatBoy General who manipulates gravity. I swoon TomCat with my manly yet sensitive charms and we go searching for Best Friend together. We join him in battle and an annoying hero called White Knight gets in the way, but Best Friend manages to kill the enemy despite this distraction. Machine Samurai storm the village to take Fruity away but, by stacking my POV with Flam¡¯s we¡¯re able to take them down. The family is reunited and our first urgent quest is completed. TomCat has the hots for me but won¡¯t admit it, so she pretends that because I helped save her friend she¡¯ll lead us to Flam¡¯s Castle. Old Dude appears and tells me that I am going to be properly coronated as a hero. I tell him that friends are more important and that my harem can wait until I rescue Stalker. Best Friend refuses to comply and¡­we have a pillow fight. The pillows are so comfy that I fall asleep. The end!

    Instead of an actual new ending song, sad piano music just plays while cheap black and white screenshots of things you¡¯ve already seen go by. I love nostalgia, but this is just weak. No worries though; the real story begins soon.

 Episode 8 Part 1: Heros Coronation

    I was shaken to my senses, waking up from a dreamless sleep.

    Dreams are desires and I already have everything I want so I never dream.

    ¡°Stalker, get off me. I¡¯m trying to sleep,¡± I say, pulling my cover up.

    ¡°It¡¯s him! It¡¯s really him!¡± exclaimed the voice of a young boy.

    Wait, that¡¯s not Stalker. Of course it isn¡¯t. She¡¯s been captured. Guess I forgot.

    I get out of bed and look down at my little fan. He isn¡¯t particularly important so it takes me a while to load his facial features.

    He was a boy, around 7 years old with blond hair and a weird red puff of hair coming out from above his forehead. He also has big black eyes filled with stars and hope. He was wearing a green sweater, the kind with the puffballs at the ends of them and was bouncing in place.

    ¡°He¡¯s looking at me! The hero is looking at me!¡± he exclaims in annoyingly charming boyish voice.

    Feels good to get respect.

    I crouch down.

    He stands up straight and salutes me. ¡°You saved my life, mister.¡±

    ¡°Oh, you¡¯ll have to remind me. I save lots of lives.¡± I brush off a pesky speck of humbleness off me. ¡°Because I¡¯m a freakin¡¯ hero!¡±

    His eyes glowed even more. I had to look away from his adorable charisma. ¡°Wow! I wanna be a hero too!¡±

    I put my hand on his shoulder. ¡°Listen, runt, being a hero is dangerous work. Sure, nobody died when I protected the village, but nobody is as awesome as me. You could get someone killed or get killed yourself.¡±

    ¡°Awesome! I get to suffer like a real hero!¡± he exclaimed, slashing the air with a non-existent sword.

    ¡°Hey, runt, so why did you wake me up?¡±

    ¡°Wait.¡± His eyes widened and he started bouncing uncontrollably.

    Is he going to explode?

    ¡°You called me runt twice now!¡±

    ¡°Oh sorry. Is that a trigger word? Did you have an abusive parent that I really shouldn¡¯t have asked about? Sorry about that.¡±

    ¡°Nah. My parents are dead! And you called me runt twice which means you¡¯ve accepted me!¡±

    ¡°Um, no I haven¡¯t.¡±

    ¡°I am Runt from now on and I will accompany you on any perilous quest.¡±

    ¡°Ha! Give me one good reason I should allow a kid to put himself in danger.¡±

    Runt tosses a rock at me that almost hit me.

    ¡°Hey, what are you doing?¡±

    ¡°I can throw rocks!¡±

    ¡°Okay, and...?¡±

    ¡°And I know everything about you?¡± He grins.

    ¡°Are you blackmailing me, Runt?¡±

    The brat jumped up with glee. ¡°You called me it again! I have a family!¡± he cheers.

    ¡°I don¡¯t like being blackmailed. Not my kink; honestly, I don¡¯t think it¡¯s anyone¡¯s kink.¡±

    ¡°Kink? You don¡¯t have kinks! You¡¯re a perfect hero! No flaws at all. And no, I wasn¡¯t blackmailing you.¡±

    ¡°Good, because if you were, I¡¯d have to give you a talk.¡±

    His eyes grew bigger. ¡°Like a father to son talk!¡±

    ¡°No. Just a regular talk. Ugh. Just make your point.¡±

    ¡°I know how much you adore Gatsu. You even fantasize about Best Friend humping your pillow while giving you the eagle glare.¡±

    ¡°Her name is Boobs and my fantasies are my own! How do you even know them? Did you find Stalker¡¯s Journal?¡± My jaw dropped. ¡°Are you Stalker¡¯s Journal?¡±

    ¡°You were saying it in your sleep a few minutes ago. Your heroic sleep.¡±

    ¡°Really sounds like your blackmailing me.¡±

    ¡°Well then give me a lecture and then we can have a bonding moment of regret when you realize you¡¯re wrong.¡±

    ¡°Fine! I will. But not because you told me to! Blackmailing people isn¡¯t a game. It isn¡¯t just mean.¡± I lean in close to him, staring into his eyes with intensity. ¡°It¡¯s dangerous, Runt. You blackmail the wrong person, which is me, then Best Friend will make you shorter than you already are.¡±

    ¡°Wow. With magic?¡±

    ¡°No! With his swords! He¡¯d chop off your legs.¡±

    ¡°Awesome! Then you could wheel me around and get extra hero points for helping a handicapped orphan.¡±

    This poor kid is so desperate.

    My head dropped. ¡°Listen, Runt. The hero points wouldn¡¯t be worth it. If you got hurt because of me, then it would hurt me. You¡¯re my fan and I care about my fans.¡±

    He hugs me.

    My father never hugged me. Am I crying?

    ¡°Wow! Your eyes are sweating! That¡¯s super neat!¡± cheers Runt.

    ¡°Yeah. Only the manliest or womanliest or heroes can sweat from their eyes. So, did I make my point?¡±

    Runt lowers his head. ¡°Yeah. But I wasn¡¯t blackmailing you.¡±

    ¡°You weren¡¯t?¡±

    ¡°I only blackmail as a last resort. You want to be Gatsu. Well you¡¯re an orphan, so check. Orphaned at birth, double check. You have a girlfriend who is basically unresponsive, so check again. You also got a Best Friend who is both dangerous and terrifyingly attractive. You have a loli on your team who is more powerful than you too.¡±

    ¡°Hey! She is not!¡±

    ¡°You¡¯re missing Ishizero!¡±

    ¡°I have Glasses Kid already.¡±

    ¡°Yeah, but he isn¡¯t useless. His power isn¡¯t hurling small stones. And he doesn¡¯t look up to you¡­like a father.¡± Runt starts to cry.

    He¡¯s absolutely right. Smart little kid. Maybe he can replace Glasses Kid down the road.

    ¡°Alright. You can come along, but you have to do exactly what I say. Is that understood?¡±

    ¡°Well yeah. It¡¯s not exactly a complicated idea to grasp,¡± said Runt, juggling a stone.

    Wish I could juggle like that.

    ¡°Hey, so why did you wake me up in the first place?¡± I ask.

    ¡°To see those super cool silver eyes! Oh, and your ceremony is going to begin.¡±

    The curtain of the tent opens and Best Friend steps in. To my absolute horror, his shirt is firmly on.

    ¡°It¡¯s time, Main. Everyone is gathered for you.¡±

    I get up and hug him. ¡°Hey, buddy. Why am I at the village? Didn¡¯t you knock me out so you could force me to rescue Stalker and miss out on getting a harem. Did you change your mind?¡± I ask, poking his belly.

    He closes his eyes and turns away from me. ¡°I had thought that if I fought you¡­hurt you¡­and you saw how selfish you were being, that you would step up to the plate and rescue Stalker.¡± He leaves the hug. ¡°I was wrong. Regaurdless, I have to honor your wishes.¡±

    I¡¯ve never seen him so ashamed. What have I done?

    ¡°Hey there, mister!¡± exclaims Runt.

    ¡°Oh yeah. This is, uh, Runt. He¡¯s going to be coming along with us.¡±

    ¡°You wanted this coronation. Hurry up, let¡¯s go.¡±

    ¡°Yeah.¡± I grab his hand.

    He turns away but doesn¡¯t shake me off.

    I have to fix this. And I don¡¯t think tickles will work at this time. I have to prove myself to him. Ooooh, if he¡¯s upset, then maybe when things get sorted out, we can have crazy passionate make up sex! God dang it, dick. This is serious! Let me do the thinking, okay?

    ¡°Hey, buddy. So, uh, where is the coronation held?¡±

    Best Friend shrugs.

    Glasses Kid approaches us, carried by his new big sister, Fruity.

    How the hell did he steal her from my grasp? I¡¯m the hero. She should be into me. Then again, I got TomCat. Heh. I win.

    He fixes his glasses, puts on an arrogant look and then speaks. ¡°It¡¯s at the execution grounds.¡±

    Best Friend glares at him. ¡°Do you really expect us to willingly go to there? Why should we trust you?¡±

    He¡¯s still protective of me. Awww. My chest feels warm.

    I raise my fist. ¡°The hero has to go to the execution grounds. I will face my death with a smile and go to the Gran Line!¡± I exclaim, forcing tears to stream down my face.

    ¡°Why do you trust him?¡± asks Best Friend.

    ¡°Well, I forced him to agree to be my friend, so I kinda have to trust him now.¡±

    Old Dude appears. ¡°Time¡¯s a wasting. Your harem awaits.¡± He creates a portal.

    ¡°Yeah, Main. Heroes first,¡± says Glasses Kid with a sarcastic bow.

    ¡°If this is a trick, I¡¯ll skin you alive,¡± says Best Friend, glaring at Glasses Kid.

    Fruity rolls her eyes. ¡°Sooo dramatic.¡±

    ¡°Hey! Don¡¯t threaten my little friend!¡± I yell at Best Friend.

    ¡°Don¡¯t talk to me in that tone of voice. He has already shown where his allegiances lie,¡± says Best Friend darkly. ¡°We mustn¡¯t be sloppy.¡±

    ¡°I¡¯m sorry for yelling.¡± I smile. ¡°But I think we should trust them. That way if he betrays us, it will be more dramatic,¡± I say, giving a thumbs up.

    Best Friend¡¯s eyes shimmer. ¡°You never cease to impress me. Don¡¯t ever let go of that arrogant spark.¡±

    My heart is what is sparkling right now. I could stare into those lovely eyes forever.

    Best Friend turns away from me. ¡°Alright, let¡¯s go. No matter what foolish decisions you make, I¡¯ve got your back.¡±

    ¡°See you later, big sister,¡± says Glasses Kid, patting her head.

    ¡°Yeah, whatever,¡± says Fruity, setting him down.

    We walk into the portal, holding hands like two last minute lovers from Republics City.

    The portal vanishes.The story has been stolen; if detected on Amazon, report the violation.

    A thunderous roar of applause greets us as we are encircled by my devout worshipers. The villagers in the run-down pews are screaming like maniacs. The stage itself looks all scratched up and dirty.

    They really love me.

    I grip Best Friend¡¯s hand and smile.

    They really love us.

    ¡°What¡¯s done is done. Cherish this moment. Things will only get harder from here on out.¡± He smiles at me as we lift our hands together.

    The villagers let out an extra loud cheer.

    Brawny Babe gives me a smile from the audience.

    I motion for her to join us on the stage, but she shakes her head.

    I release Best Friend¡¯s hand and go down to her. ¡°Come on, you¡¯re a part of this team. You helped protect the village with us.¡±

    The audience was overcome with gasps and whispers. Some people cheered when I brought her on stage, but most of them didn¡¯t.

    ¡°Hey, what are all you assholes whispering about? You better not be talking bad about my friend!¡± I yell into the pews.

    Brawny Babe covers her face to hide her embarrassment.

    Best Friend is in tears.

    ¡°Hey, hey. You okay?¡±

    ¡°Yeah. I¡¯m so proud that it hurts,¡± he says, clenching his sides till they bled.

    He¡¯s too sweet!

    I grip my heart and turn back to the crowd. ¡°And TomCat helped too! Where is she?¡±

    Old Dude appears in front of us. ¡°The hero is a bit over excited is all.¡± He leans into me. ¡°Don¡¯t mention her name. She¡¯s killed many people here.¡±

    ¡°If she killed them than how are they here?¡±

    Old Dood glares at me.

    ¡°What about Brawny Babe? What has she done, other than train your heroes?¡±

    Old Dude snickers. ¡°She doesn¡¯t train them for free.¡±

    I grab him by his beard. ¡°Enough cryptic bogus! Why do they hate her?¡±

    I¡¯m only a little peeved at Old Dude honestly. Just thought I¡¯d show that rebellious disregard for authority that made the hero of One Place so popular.

    ¡°Now¡¯s not the time for this. It is time to adorn you with your hero¡¯s garb.¡±

    Oooh. That sounds really cool.

    Old Dude pulls out a chest from his portal. He opens it up and raises up my new duds.

    A sleek orange trench coat with armor plating and arrows all pointing to me. A pair of goggles that I¡¯m not going to put on to spare my mangaka the misery of drawing them constantly. Sandals¡­I don¡¯t wear sandals. A freaking headband with thirteen thirteens on it! Ooooh, Kamia shades too! A whitewashed scarf likely made of dragon scales. And booty shorts?

    ¡°Wait, I¡¯m supposed to wear those? Really?¡± I ask.

    ¡°Sex appeal is important too. Why else would all those strong female leads wear such revealing clothing. Charm is an important power for any hero.¡±

    Shit! He¡¯s got me trapped. If I deny wearing them, then I¡¯ll be insulting every scantily clad feminist icon. Who am I to question Power Gal¡¯s boob window?

    I put on my new clothes, except the goggles and sandals.

    Best Friend looks at me. ¡°Stalker will be happy to see your new pants.¡±

    ¡°Wow these are tight.¡± I pull them and then come back with a sexy snap. ¡°Oh yeah. I¡¯m the hottest Dragon Balls babe now.¡±

    Runt tosses off his shorts and waves at me in his underwear, also booty shorts.

    Geez, being a role model is a lot of pressure.

    ¡°Best Friend, we haven¡¯t forgotten you.¡± Old Dude opens up a chest of some sick looking futuristic suit and armor.

    Best Friend shuts it with his foot. ¡°I refuse.¡±

    ¡°What?¡± Old Dude¡¯s eyes go wide.

    ¡°It¡¯s made of silk. I will have nothing to do with any animal exploitation,¡± he says with that sexy vegan conviction.

    ¡°Do the rest of us get new clothes?¡± asks Glasses Kid.

    ¡°Eh, not really,¡± says Old Dude with a shrug.

    ¡°I can wait for Stalker to knit me something ethical,¡± says Best Friend, crossing his arms.

    ¡°As soon as this is done, we have to leave the village and save,¡± I say softly.

    ¡°Old Dude, why are we having the ceremony on the execution grounds?¡± asks Best Friend with suspicious eyes, gesturing to the guillotine.

    ¡°I can think of five reasons why. And now I realize they could all be simultaneously correct,¡± said Glasses Kid while drooling.

    ¡°So um, what am I supposed to do? These people just keep on cheering me. Do I just yell out ¡°thank you ,thank you¡± while willing them to shut up in my mind. Or am I supposed to say something more profound?¡± I ask with a nervous look.

    ¡°Anything you say is perfect. All they want right now is you to acknowledge their devotion,¡± says Best Friend, finally relaxing.

    ¡°I only saved your village so I can get a harem!¡± I exclaim, giving the people unfiltered truth.

    Everything fell dead silent. I had done it. I had finally shut them up.

    ¡°Your honesty is refreshing!¡± exclaims Old Dude, patting my back.

    ¡°I¡¯m not here to refresh you. And I¡¯m all decked out now. Where¡¯s the harem you promised me?¡± I ask, bouncing up and down.

    Runt notices and starts bouncing too.

    ¡°Main, please relax. I don¡¯t see how getting a harem is imperative,¡± says Best Friend, trying to calm me down.

    There has never been anything more important in my entire life.

    ¡°Every Christmas I wrote to Santa, begging him to send me a harem. And every year, I got the same reply: ¡°There must be something else¡­anything?¡± But I stayed true to my desire and never settled for less. And now the importance of owning my own flock of lusty women has driven me to become a hero. I¡¯m not asking you to understand why. Just please, accept that it¡¯s important to me,¡± I say emotionally.

    ¡°I should never have questioned you. Well, Old Dude, where¡¯s his harem?¡± asks Best Friend, suddenly right up to him.

    ¡°I can only afford to give you five members. But they are all highly trained,¡± says Old Dude with a naughty wink.

    Oh old guys and their unsettling perversion. Funny?

    ¡°Five is plenty! Just give them to me! Give me my harem!¡± I demand.

    Yes, finally the moment has come.

    ¡°People of Doomed. At this moment, by accepting our offering, the Hero of Destiny will pledge his eternal services to our village. He shall protect us against any force that tries to destroy us. He will battle for more than our village. He will fight for our world!¡± exclaims Old Dude, over-buttering the crowd.

    ¡°It¡¯s a deal Old Dude. But each time I save you guys, I want something new,¡± I say, adding a rider bill along with the one I just passed.

    You probably don¡¯t even know what a rider bill is. Heh, heh. I¡¯m so smart.

    ¡°Of course! Our gratitude is as undying as your arrogance!¡± cheers Old Dude.

    Wow, that¡¯s a shit ton of gratitude.

    ¡°Alright then, bring them out. I get to name them, right?¡± I ask.

    ¡°You are our hero! You get to name everything!¡± exclaims Old Dude.

    Suddenly a pair of soft hands touch my back.

    No way! I didn¡¯t even sense her presence!

    ¡°Is this the new number one hero. Wow. He looks¡­nice,¡± says my first harem girl in a shy tone, her breasts rubbing against my back.

    Wow, nice tits, passionate eyes, flowing hair and she loves me. My kind of woman.

    ¡°Back off! I saw him first. That makes him my big brother slave!¡± yells the flat, short one, rubbing up against my leg.

    She looks ten. Still, she should have learned to talk. Wow, she¡¯s short. Oh well, I can carry her like a backpack. Every true harem has a loli.

    ¡°I should cut that disgusting perverted man to pieces. But if he looks in my general direction, I¡¯ll melt away,¡± says my crazy girl to her weapon.

    My very own Mottoko! Crazy sword girls are always a must. And she¡¯s surprisingly honest with her hidden feelings¡­I¡¯m impressed.

    ¡°Is this him? He looks radiant. Like a white stallion! Woah, the colors. They¡¯re everywhere. The bells are bursting my eardrums!¡± exclaims the next girl, while fondling her humongous breasts.

    Uhhhhhhh¡­I guess she¡¯s supposed to be the romantic airhead. She just seems high to me. Oh well, she¡¯s still mega hot. What a nice rack!

    ¡°Want to see my panties?¡± asks the last harem girl, crossing her arms and glaring at me.

    ¡°Uh, what?¡± I ask, scratching my head.

    I was suddenly dropped kicked in the face.

    What is this crazy bitch¡¯s problem?

    ¡°You saw them, didn¡¯t you! I knew it; you¡¯re such a pervert. I ought to tie you up and whip you, you pathetic excuse for a man!¡± she yells furiously, blushing while gritting her teeth.

    Oh my God! A tsundere girl! Abusive and shy. And she¡¯s a tomboy too! The clich¨¦s are getting me suuuuper pumped! Hey, she¡¯s the one who was fighting TomCat in the brothel! Wow, she¡¯s the first one I met, awesome! Then again, the guy always ends up with the first bitchy girl of the harem. I¡¯ve just become locked in another destiny. Shit!

    Best Friend approaches her, wobbling side to side, like a certain killer butler.

    I Dupal wink at him and he stops in place with a chuckle.

    ¡°If you touch Main again, I¡¯ll make it so you¡¯ll think you¡¯re always on your period,¡± says Best Friend, forming a dagger of blood.

    ¡°Hey scary guy! You can join my harem too! You¡¯re all mine! Giant cuddle puddle, yay!¡± exclaims the shortest one.

    Yeah. Um, she¡¯s going to be a handful.

    I use the coin trick I learned from Jojojo¡¯s, gathering their attention in once place. ¡°Harem girls, please, gather together. Single file line.¡±

    They all obey, though the tomboy glares at me she gets in place.

    ¡°Okay, you there. You, over there. And you, switch with her.¡±

    ¡°Ugh, we have names, you misogynist,¡± says the tomboy through clenched teeth.

    I ignore her and nod. ¡°That¡¯s perfect.¡±

    They¡¯re all lined up based on their breast sizes. Oh yeah, I¡¯m so smart.

    ¡°You there!¡±

    ¡°Sir, yes, sir!¡± exclaims the smallest one with a salute.

    The youngest member of my harem is a short sandy skinned blonde girl. Her short yellow hair is stylized into two large hair buns. Single long hair extensions are attached to the buns. They are pointed at the end like InkyMusume¡¯s tentacular tentacles. Her eyes are intense golden revolving swirls. She had a permanent mischievous grin filled with sharp pointy teeth. She¡¯s wearing white pajamas over a blue school girl swimsuit. On her back is an ocean turquoise backpack. Right in the crotch area, not that I was looking, was a cute tiger face that seems to change based on her emotion. Ruriririn has been surpassed!

    ¡°You¡¯re as flat as a washboard, so you¡¯re Harem A!¡± I take her ahoge, or hair antenna in laymen¡¯s terms, and bend it into an ¡°a¡±.

    Her eyes glow with charisma as she puts her hands on her hips and pushes out her chest. ¡°Heheheh! The world is flat after all! A perfect ninety- degree angle! I¡¯m a living sled, baby! Mwahahaha!¡± He voice was rough, high pitched and an electrical storm of energy.

    ¡°Hey, shut up, you little imp!¡± yells the tomboy.

    ¡°Yeah, I¡¯m a monster! Rawr.¡± She jumps on the tomboy and starts nibbling her arm.

    ¡°Oh, you like that don¡¯t you, tomboy?¡± I ask with a smirk.

    She glares at me. ¡°Ask again and I¡¯ll bite you!¡±

    ¡°Ohohoho!¡± I turn to the other maiden. ¡°You¡¯re next, sword lady.¡±

    She is wearing a wedding dress, complete with veil, that was stained with pink blood. She has two frilly hair tubes that are pink. Her dark purple eyes with crimson pupils stare longingly at me. In her gloved hands is a bouquet of bloodied roses that have a creepy red katana handle poking out of them. She dances up to me in drenched ballet slippers. Her long snow-white hair and supple cream-colored powdered skin were both eerily bloodless.

    ¡°I am yours until the day I cut out your heart. Then you¡¯re all mine. Khu-khu-khu,¡± she says with a tender melodic voice that shifted into high pitched cackles. She has the sweetest smile, cuddling her bouquet.

    My body trembles in terror.

    Best Friend looks at me, asking if he should kill her.

    I signal him to stand down. ¡°Yeah, sword girl. You have some boobage, but not a lot. You¡¯re Harem B!¡± I carefully adjust her antenna into a ¡°B¡±.

    ¡°Can¡¯t spell blood without a B,¡± she says in a calm voice, wobbling with a deranged look while cutting her arm with her fingernails.

    Wow! Like a sexbent Best Friend! Amazing!

    I turn to the next girl. She had slightly blue tinted pale skin that seemed to glow. Her long light pink hair covered her entire face. I parted her bangs revealing her adorably creepy blank pink eyes with no pupils. Strapped to her face was a black oni styled Hannibal-esque mask. Between her glowing green lips is white ball-gag, filling her tiny mouth. How has she been talking? She is wearing an odd collection bondage gear: a white colored gimp uniform complete with ropes binding her and a black dominatrix suit on top and a pink spiked whip fastened to her leg.

    Awesome I¡¯ve got options with her.

    ¡°You¡¯re Harem C.¡± I adjust her antenna into a crescent.

    ¡°Eep!¡± She blushes and nods, gripping her bosom in embarrassment. ¡°Th-thanks,¡± she says in a squeaky shy voice. She buries her face under her hands.

    Harem A starts taking off her clothes. ¡°The sea! The sea! It calls me!¡±

    ¡°Hey, keep your damn clothes on!¡± yells the tomboy, keeping the little one from stripping completely.

    ¡°But. But. The ocean!¡± She reaches her hand out and cries.

    ¡°Relax Armini, it ain¡¯t going nowhere,¡± I say, patting her head.

    ¡°Let me guess I¡¯m Harem D,¡± says the tomboy, glaring at me while holding up her big jugs.

    She has fiery blood red eyes and a bandage on her boyish cheek. Her short orange hair has a pink ribbon to make a side pony tail. Her red and pink hat has an Egyptian symbol on it, the circle being at the front and the arrow on the visor. Her angry grimace had one jagged elongated fang enveloping her supple lips. She is wearing a black zip up sweater with x bandages on the elbow areas and the zipper being a blue tie. A sea blue skirt just barely covers her frilly pink boxers, which I saw when she kicked me earlier. Soooo worth it! There¡¯s a bracelet on her right hand with a pineapple pendant. Oh and she has sexy tan lines around her dark caramel tits and ass too!

    ¡°Y-yeah.¡±

    ¡°Goddamn perv,¡± she says in that fiery rough boyish voice I adore, blushing and looking away. She pulls off her hat and makes her antenna a ¡®D¡¯.

    Sooo cute.

    ¡°So am I E then?¡± asks the last girl. ¡°Eeeeeeeeeeee,¡± she sings in a daze.

    The last member of my harem clearly wasn¡¯t human. At the top of her head was a giant red mushroom with neon green moss coating it. She had other mushrooms of various colors growing out of her purple skin. Looking into her eyes was like gazing into space. And she had a pink sparkly aura around her, likely from her feudal fumes. Neon pink glowing lips and nails matched her aura. Her tits were Aiken levels of huge! Instead of a weapon, she had a tie die bong.

    ¡°Nah. You¡¯re H!¡± I exclaim with wide eyes.

    ¡°Because I¡¯m a hippie?¡± she asks in a shrill, hauntingly high-pitched wispy voice, taking a whiff of her bong.

    ¡°You¡¯re a freaking H-cup!¡± I exclaim.

    ¡°Who the hell freaking cares about breasts! Geez, I can¡¯t believe this throbbing prick,¡± says Harem D, while squirming in place.

    Looks like D really wants the ¡°D¡±!

    Old Dude places his hand on my shoulder. ¡°Harem is a bit much to handle on their own. But with this.¡± He puts a bracelet on my hand that has a pink button on it.

    ¡°Oooh, does that make the vibrators in them pulse?¡± asks Glasses Kid, salivating.

    ¡°Press it and see for yourself,¡± says Old Dude with a nod to me.

    Wow. I have so much power! I press the button.

    Electricity travels up Harem¡¯s legs, making them gasp in different ways. It then goes up their sides before tickling their cheeks. They hold their cheeks in embarrassment before the energy finally rests itself in their hair antenna. Their ahoge shoot out tiny sparks and glow as they make ahego faces.

    Instant erection. And thanks to my booty shorts. They can all see it. How shameful.

    Their eyes shift, and their individual personalities seem to fade away. They look at me with lax, loyal eyes. ¡°How can we be of service?¡± they all asks in unison, even tilting in synchronization.

    I look them over. ¡°Listen up. You all have too much personality. It¡¯s dangerous. If you want to stay with me, you will have to act like a single unit when I say so. But right now, be yourselves,¡± I say with a smirk. I snap my fingers as I push the button. The electricity fizzes out and their antenna no longer glow.

    A is poking her belly and making zappy noises. B is holds her shaking hands to her bossom. C is crying in shame. D has her hands keeping her skirt down and glares at me. And H, is humming to herself.

    Yep, looks like they returned to normal. Well, relatively speaking.

    ¡°Wonderful, alright now let¡¯s conclude the ceremony,¡± I say, turning to Old Dude.

    ¡°I¡¯m glad you¡¯re pleased with our offering. I handpicked them myself. I must warn you though. They¡¯ll go through mood swings and emotional episodes. But in the end their character growth will be abysmal. Prepare for redundant gags and lots of recurring panty shots,¡± warns Old Dude in an ominous voice, reading off a cue card.

    ¡°I¡¯ve seen Rosary Vampire! I¡¯ve been prepared for years! Alright everyone, I officially accept my role as your hero!¡± I exclaim, taking off my shirt.

    The crowd, moved by my heroic gesture, took off their shirts too.

    There are like no girls in the audience. Does my harem have the only girls in this village?

    ¡°That makes this easier,¡± says Old Dude, swiftly branding my chest with thirteen thirteens one after the other.

    I scream out in agony but Best Friend holds me steady.

    ¡°I¡¯m so proud,¡± says Best Friend lifelessly as blood dripped from his eyes.

    ¡°So, you must be the newest sacrifice,¡± says a cocky man¡¯s voice from above.

    Suddenly the jerk drops onto the stage.

    He has seven 7¡¯s burned into his bare, ripped chest. The caramel skinned man has red spiky hair in the front but black spiky hair in the back. He glares at me with crazy swirling emerald eyes. He is wearing bandages on his forehead and arms and is clad in a black biker jacket with red shoulder pads. The man points at me with his two-finger military colored glove. ¡°You¡¯re mine.¡±

    Why does he have a little girl unconscious on his shoulders? Wait I know that girl¡­it¡¯s Stalker!

    ¡°Father, you¡¯re here!?¡± exclaims Best Friend.

    What a dramatic place to pause the episode for commercials. Wow, things are really starting to get crazy now. Who the heck is this jackass, and why is Stalker with him? I swear if he stole her friendship, I¡¯ll kill him! I need to calm down. Alright, time for the ending.

    I got a harem! A harem, yeah! The ending song later on is going to be filled with fan service!

    ¡°Sorry chump, but you don¡¯t get to run this show anymore,¡± he says, before I black out.

 Rival!

    So, this must be my rival. I assume the title is talking about him. But seriously, who is this jerk? Is he really Best Friend¡¯s father? Come to think of it, didn¡¯t Glasses Kid say Best Friend was my brother? I¡¯m thinking too much, time to start the opening.

    ¡°I look into the sunlight¡­blah, blah, blah. Is this supposed to pump up your fictitious audience? Or is it just supposed to give your ego a massage?¡± asks Rival, destroying my opening song. ¡°Also, you can¡¯t do your opening after the commercial break, moron.¡±

    Openings aren¡¯t just confetti, they power up the audience and without fans a hero is weak. I skipped the opening this episode because I didn¡¯t expect to have to fight anyone. Damn it, I have to do an unnecessary prequel before it¡¯s too late.

    ¡°Let me do it for you. Last time on Main Character: I¡¯m so great! Everybody cheered for me. I got a group of women to follow me because¡­go me! Then this guy shows up and he¡¯s my biggest fan. And I have to fight the loser so he¡¯ll finally leave me alone. There, I can do it too!¡± exclaims Rival with a hint of repressed anger.

    Can he read my mind? Gotta find out how he¡¯s doing this.

    ¡°I was mistaken. He¡¯s not my father,¡± says Best Friend, folding his hands behind his head.

    ¡°What!? Why did you even say it in the first place!? It was so dramatic!? I had already formed twenty possible scenarios explaining your father¡¯s reappearance!¡± yells Glasses Kid.

    ¡°What did you do to Stalker?¡± I ask Rival, right up in his face.

    He looks at her limp body on his shoulders and smiles. ¡°I did your job for you, dumbass. If I hadn¡¯t shown up and saved her, she would have died. Really great hero you are.¡± Rival pushed me back with his finger.

    Wait. But I had time. Didn¡¯t I? Why would Flam start the execution without waiting for me? We¡¯re going to have a talk about this when he next pops in my head.

    ¡°Don¡¯t you dare speak to Main that way,¡± says Best Friend, stepping up to him.

    ¡°Do you even know who I am?¡± asks Rival.

    Best Friend nods. ¡°You¡¯re dead.¡± He slices his arm and forms a blade in the same motion, cleaving through Rival¡¯s chest.

    The crazy man is unaffected somehow. His bandaged hand, which has Kiishin eyes all over it, lifts up my Best Friend.

    ¡°Let him go!¡± I yell.

    ¡°Why? You wanted a captive to rescue. I¡¯m giving you another chance. Fail this time and someone will die,¡± says Rival, smashing his head into my Best Friend¡¯s face.

    My hair shot out in a violet furry, but Rival dodged the onslaught.

    ¡°I have the training of a thousand soldiers. I have the experience of a hero. All you have is selfish desires and a friend you don¡¯t deserve.¡± He throws Best Friend into me and then grabs his foot with his hair.

    Rival¡¯s hair moves like a whip, pummeling me with Best Friend¡¯s body.

    Damn it! Getting pounded by Best Friend was supposed to be a touching moment. How dare this bastard perverse that!

    I am suddenly lifted into the air by his extended hair.

    Best Friend gets up in a daze.

    ¡°Hey, Brawny Babe. Get Best Friend and Glasses Kid out of here. I can handle this guy,¡± I say with an upside-down thumbs up.

    Does that make it a thumbs down?

    Brawny Babe obeys, hoisting up my resistant best bud and fleeing the area.

    ¡°Hey, hero, need some help?¡± asks Harem D.

    ¡°I just need you all to cheer me on from the sidelines. Do any of you have cheerleader outfits?¡± I ask.

    Harem D¡¯s forehead pulses with anger. ¡°Ugh! Forget I even asked. Let¡¯s go girls. The fruit stand is having a special discount!¡±

    ¡°Oooh bananas!¡± cheers Harem A, rushing ahead.

    The rest of Harem follow.

    I turn back to Rival. ¡°Hey man, thanks for not attacking me during that.¡±

    ¡°I¡¯m trying. Why do you have to be so mean? I love you,¡± he says, in a sitting fetal pose.

    What is up with this guy?

    ¡°Hey! You shut up!¡± yells Rival, pointing at me.

    ¡°I¡¯m talking to you!¡±

    Rival looks up at me. ¡°What do you want?¡±

    ¡°I want an explanation.¡±

    ¡°So, do I! You stole my power! Not cool dude!¡± I yell.

    Rival lifts up Stalker¡¯s sleeping face. ¡°Why did she almost die? Do you have any idea how important she is?¡± Tears rush down his face.

    ¡°It was all part of my awesome plan!¡± My hair goes down my back and secretly unfastens his hair from my leg. I land on my feet. ¡°I was going to wait till the last minute to save her. I had it all planned out.¡± I rush up to him. ¡°I¡¯d finally release my Bankai and defeat Flamboyant Villain!¡± I exclaim furiously, clumping my hair together in a massive fist.

    ¡°You¡¯re a real piece of shit! You even make me feel like a nice guy. You can¡¯t even pretend to have gratitude!?¡± exclaims Rival, sliding to dodge my fist attack.

    ¡°Why was her execution pushed up? What happened?¡± I ask in frustration.

    ¡°Oopsie. Sorry about that Main,¡± says a voice in my head.

    Ugh. It¡¯s Flam.

    ¡°Why didn¡¯t you wait for me!?¡± I yell at myself, well kinda.

    Flam does that annoying foppish laugh. ¡°Oh, she was being a bad girl so I had to move up her little death party! I would have told you, but I knew you couldn¡¯t make it in time. I didn¡¯t want to make you have to reschedule your appointment either. So, I just went ahead and had the execution.¡±

    ¡°How is that ok? That thin line of trust we built, you just destroyed it! You even let someone else save her and get the glory!¡± I yell, pointing at Rival.

    ¡°Oh why bother whining about the past. If you could be a dear and return her to my castle, I should be able to continue with the execution. Oh, and if you still want, you can make an appointment to rescue her. That is, if it¡¯s not too much trouble. Well, toodles, I¡¯ll see you then,¡± says Flam, talking telepathically to me.

    ¡°Shut up! I can handle him! Let me do this!¡± yells Rival, clawing at his forehead.

    Brawny Babe gets a big smile. ¡°Not only one with shadow friend.¡± She waves at her shadow who waves back of course.

    ¡°Why are you here? Get to safety?¡±

    ¡°Release friend,¡± says Brawny Babe, aiming at Rival.

    ¡°Get out of here! No, Flam, I¡¯m not talking to you!¡± I yell.

    ¡°What is wrong?¡± asks Brawny Babe, gesturing to me while keeping her arrow poised at Rival.

    ¡°Oh, he didn¡¯t tell you, did he? He got the kiss of love, am I right?¡± asks Rival childishly puckering his lips.

    This guy really needs to just shut the hell up!

    Brawny Babe¡¯s eyes go wide.

    Rival rushes toward her.

    She fires but it misses.

    Best Friends jumps off from her back and lands in front of Rival. ¡°Are you quite done? Why did you come here? What do you want?¡± he asks, pressing his blood sword up to Rival¡¯s neck.

    ¡°Go ahead and cut. It won¡¯t do anything,¡± says Rival with a lax smile.Reading on this site? This novel is published elsewhere. Support the author by seeking out the original.

    ¡°What do you want?¡± asks Best Friend, pointing the sword at Rival¡¯s forehead.

    ¡°Whoa man! I was bored is all. All I want is a little excitement.¡± He looks up at me. ¡°I do have to thank you for losing track of this little girl here. What¡¯s her name again?¡± He trips Best Friend grabs the back of his head and slams his face to the ground.

    Don¡¯t you dare hurt him! ¡°Her name is Stalker!¡± I yell furiously.

    ¡°Whoa, chill. Well, Stalker here is quite the catch. My catch that is. There¡¯s just something about her lips that¡¯s so¡­,¡± says Rival before he moves his vile mouth to hers.

    My hair shot out on impulse, socking him in the face.

    ¡°Oh, did I hit a soft spot. Don¡¯t tell me, is she your girlfriend? Well, newsflash, bud. The hero always gets the girl. And I¡¯m the one who saved her. So, this little treat is all mine,¡± he says, licking her lips.

    I go to punch him again, but something stops me. Old Dude got right in the way, almost getting pummeled by my awesome hair.

    ¡°Main, leave. You don¡¯t stand a chance against him,¡± says Old Dude with a grave tone.

    ¡°You made me the hero and now you want me to run? No way. I¡¯m going to kick this guy¡¯s ass and make Stalker my¡­,¡± I say before stopping.

    ¡°Your what? Here I thought you two were already an item. She was out cold before I even rescued her. If you beat me up and take her, you may even be able to fool her into thinking you saved her,¡± teases Rival.

    That is an excellent idea!

    I look down at Best Friend. ¡°Do you trust me to handle this.¡±

    He gives me a bloody smile. ¡°Show him who the real hero is.¡±

    ¡°Alright! I point at Rival. I¡¯m taking her back, you son of a bitch!¡± I yelled.

    ¡°Hey, don¡¯t bring Mamma into this. My mamma is probably a hard-working woman. She had to abandon me! She must have had no choice. She still loved me. She still does!¡± yelled Rival, grabbing his head in pain.

    Oh, did I hit a soft spot? Heh, how does it feel jackass?

    ¡°Main, if you fight him, you will die,¡± says Old Dude, shaking his head with disapproval.

    ¡°Have a little faith. I¡¯m not the same harem-less man I was a few minutes ago. I can take him,¡± I say, acting a little more confident than I was.

    ¡°That man you¡¯re fighting¡­he¡¯s The Hero of Legendary Legends: The Legend! Why has he forsaken us!¡± wails Old Dude, creating a protective shield around us with the reverberations of his wrinkles.

    ¡°One cannot forsake a doomed people! And my mother never forsook me! She loved me!¡± yells Rival tearing at his face with his bandaged hand.

    His hair shot out wildly, drilling through Old Dude¡¯s shield.

    ¡°I¡¯m the luckiest hero! That¡¯s what you told me! Seven sevens, right? My friends called me Jackpot! Luck is just a lie!¡± yells Rival, smashing through Old Dude¡¯s shield.

    ¡°Evacuate the people. I don¡¯t want any obstacles getting in my way. Best Friend, take our allies to a safe place. I¡¯ll be back for lunch,¡± I say resolutely.

    ¡°You want to fight him alone? You sure?¡±

    ¡°Yeah. I didn¡¯t save her. So, I should at least beat the shit out of the guy who did!¡±

    ¡°Main, I¡¯ll be waiting for you,¡± says Harem in unison.

    ¡°Enough talk. Destroy him! I don¡¯t like anyone that looks like my Father,¡± says Best Friend, walking off.

    He¡¯s still on about that?

    ¡°You¡¯re really going through with this? Everyone, leave the premises. I¡¯ll go dig your grave. I had hoped the last one would truly have been the last,¡± says Old Dude with actual tears in his eyes.

    The audience fled in a surprisingly orderly panic.

    It was just me and him now. Oh, and Stalker.

    ¡°The winner gets the trophy k? This delectable little grape is going to be mine. And if she¡¯s mine, she¡¯ll never see the light of day again. She¡¯ll be in her own little dream world. She¡¯ll be sleeping with you in her dreams while I¡¯m savoring her in reality.¡± His fingers crawl up her sides. ¡°We¡¯ll both pleasure her in such an innovative and dynamic way. Who needs friendship when you have a stress doll! Now bring it, hero! If you want the hero¡¯s seal of approval, you¡¯ll have to get it from me!¡± exclaims Rival, tossing Stalker aside. He raises his hands and a predator drone rises out from the bleachers.

    And me without my gun.

    Runt comes up to me and hands me Friendship. He then rushes off back to his seat to watch the battle.

    ¡°Bring it on, bastard!¡± yells Friendship. ¡°Together we¡¯re going to rip you a new one!¡±

    Geez, kinda stole my thunder.

    ¡°Meet Acquaintanceship!¡± exclaims Rival, gesturing to his predator drone.

    The predator drone was sleek, black and had a friendly blue digital emoji face. It had two turrets at its sides and was holding large black rockets. Oh, and there was a camera for peeping too.

    ¡°How did you get one of those things? Are you from the future?¡± I ask him.

    ¡°Came from the same place as that discarded trash,¡± says Rival, sticking his tongue out.

    Friendship fires on impulse.

    Rival takes the blast head on but doesn¡¯t budge. The smoke clears. He didn¡¯t have a scratch on him. He then grabbed his chest in pain.

    What is going on?

    ¡°There¡¯s no way? How could you be so powerful, hero?¡± asks Rival, coughing up a wad of nothing.

    ¡°That¡¯s my power you !@#*ing @$$bag!¡± yells Friendship furiously, firing another round.

    Direct hit. We got him. So why am I trembling?

    ¡°Well Main. I have to admit you¡¯re stronger than I expected. But no matter; my incredible hair will still kick your ass!¡± Rival rushes up. His hair slams into me as fast as machine gun fire.

    Damn it, I can¡¯t die here. Can I? Please tell me I can¡¯t!

    I aim Friendship at him and fire while my body is being barraged.

    Rival fell backwards, screaming in agony.

    ¡°How!? You should be weak!¡± exclaims Rival, wiping his mouth as if there was blood on it. He then grabs my face and slams me to the ground.

    This bastard is toying with me. None of my attacks have done any damage to him. There¡¯s nothing that pisses me off more than an arrogant jerk.

    I get up from the ground, using Friendship as leverage. I cough up some blood.

    ¡°You¡¯re not going to give up, are you? I can¡¯t believe you¡¯re even alive right now. Acquaintanceship, finish him off!¡± yells Rival.

    His superior weapon was floating in front of me, loading up a round of rockets.

    Was this really the end? I never played naked leap frog with Best Friend. I never went on a purely platonic date with Stalker Girl. I didn¡¯t even get laid by my harem yet. Wait a minute¡­that¡¯s it!

    I stand proud, ready for anything.

    ¡°That confident look in your eyes is so damn nostalgic! I hate it! I swear I¡¯m going to rip out those lying eyes! Acquaintanceship, what is taking so damn long?¡± asks Rival furiously.

    ¡°Not sure if I feel like killing him,¡± says Acquaintanceship in a monotone voice.

    ¡°Fine. Do what you want. It¡¯s not like you have to help. It¡¯s just a request is all,¡± says Rival, muttering sadly.

    ¡°Hey, Rival! When you were a hero, did you ever have a harem? Did you star as a coach or a player in a sports team? Did you ever randomly do trivial things with a group of somewhat zany characters? Are you a moralistic member of an assassin group? Are you a freelance detective, looking for his big break?¡± I ask critically.

    ¡°No! But you didn¡¯t either! What¡¯s your damned point?¡± asks Rival, fuming.

    ¡°I have a harem now!¡± I exclaim proudly.

    ¡°I¡¯ve had enough of him! Acquaintanceship, finish him off if you want!¡± yells Rival.

    ¡°Eh, why not,¡± says the drone.

    The missiles disengaged. ¡°Life is short.¡± ¡°Time to die.¡± The missiles speak in happy childish voices and have smiley emojis on them.

    My hair wrapped around my arms, awakening a new power. I caught each missile and flung it into the air. I was now juggling eight missiles.

    How the hell am I doing this?

    ¡°My Life has been prolonged for the moment. I didn¡¯t die immediately.¡± Chimed the estatic explosives missiles.

    Jeez morbid little guys, aren¡¯t they?

    Runt leaps from his seat and starts clapping uncontrollably.

    Don¡¯t be so modest, I got the idea from you, Runt.

    ¡°Impossible! How are you able to do that!?¡± asks Rival, tripping on his own disbelief.

    ¡°I already told you, I have a harem! Why did you think I was so bent on getting a harem in the first place?¡± I ask him inquisitively.

    ¡°Isn¡¯t it because you¡¯re a teenager going through puberty? You¡¯re just lonely, right?¡± asks Rival, trembling before me.

    ¡°No. you fool! I¡¯m never alone as long as Best Friend shares a futon with me. Don¡¯t you get it? Now that I have a harem, I have become the main character of another genre. And with this new Main Character status I have unlocked one of its many abilities. A harem anime star must be able to juggle multiple girls. I gained this power the second I got my harem. I can now juggle anything!¡± I yell, tossing the rockets back at him.

    The rockets slam into Rival, launching him in the air before exploding into the bleachers.

    ¡°It¡¯s time to finish you off! Hair Uppercut!¡± I yell as I ran up to him.

    My hair wraps around my right arm, giving it super strength. I leap into the air before slamming my fist into Rival¡¯s chest. He didn¡¯t budge, but he screamed in remarkable pain. He then fell to the ground, completely unharmed.

    I hate this guy.

    ¡°I¡¯m impressed. I didn¡¯t expect you¡¯d actually beat me. I lost. I can¡¯t believe I lost to you. Mark my rage, Main. I will fight you again! And I will kill you!¡± he yells, pointing at me with great fury.

    This guy really needs friends.

    I walk up to him and help him to his feet. I¡¯m suddenly attacked from behind. I¡¯m knocked off my feet, being ambushed from all sides.

    They were watching me, the whole time.

    ¡°Boom! Boom! Bam! You rock Main!¡± cheers Harem A, using my arm like an exercise pole to do pull ups.

    ¡°I¡¯m going to let you live this time. But only because watching you has made me incredibly flushed,¡± says Harem B, her fingers crawling up her body like spiders.

    ¡°You kicked his butt, now my butt is uhmm,¡± says Harem C, holding her cheeks and wobbling.

    ¡°Friendship is wow. My heart is having a category six earthquake,¡± says Harem H, writhing on the ground in admiration.

    ¡°You idiot, you could have gotten killed!¡± yells Harem D as she repeatedly kicked me.

    I sob until a puddle is beneath me.

    I love my harem.

    ¡°Your bonds have given you great power. I know just how I¡¯ll destroy you. Be careful Main; you can¡¯t trust anyone at The Village Of Doomed. Look both ways when crossing the street. Tread lightly on rickety bridges. Don¡¯t make bonds you aren¡¯t prepared to lose. And above all else, follow your own path. I know I lost, but can you grant me one request?¡± asks Rival, looking up at me.

    I escape the harem dog pile and stand valiantly. ¡°If I am to grant you this request, then you¡¯ll have to assist me when I need your help. Just one time...fair enough?¡± I ask.

    Oh yeah. Contingency plan for the win!

    ¡°Alright, just let me wave hi to Stalker and it¡¯s a deal. She¡¯s waking up right now,¡± says Rival, walking up to her.

    Huh? Is this dude serious?

    Stalker yawns like a twilight princess as she stretches, proving that she was still adorable. Her eyes slowly open, looking up at Rival.

    ¡°Main¡­is that you?¡± asks Stalker.

    ¡°Nope, sorry little lady, the name¡¯s Rival. It¡¯s a pleasure to meet your acquaintance,¡± he says, giving that cool two finger salute only badasses do, before walking off. He then grabs onto Acquaintanceship and they flew off.

    Stalker got up and ran to me. She hugs me as tears pour down her cheeks.

    ¡°Main, you saved me,¡± says Stalker, trembling with gratitude.

    Good. I can still steal all the credit.

    ¡°Of course I did. I pinky promised, didn¡¯t I?¡± I ask, while turning away dramatically.

    Actually, the pinky promise was directed at Flam, but she doesn¡¯t need to know that. She also doesn¡¯t need to know that it was Rival who saved her.

    ¡°Thanks, Main. You¡¯re my hero,¡± says Stalker, pulling back to wipe her eyes every time she opened her arms to hug me.

    I hoist her up and hug her. ¡°And you¡¯re my heroine.¡±

    Stalker leans in and then she gives me a sweet kiss on the cheek.

    Oooh, yes! It¡¯s time! I¡¯m going to ask her to be my friend.

    Oh, the episode is up.

    Alright, that was totally awesome. I totally kicked his ass. Though that bastard didn¡¯t have a scratch on him . Oh well, no probs. I still won. Alright, time for the ending song.

    What the hell is this? It¡¯s just a fancy slideshow of Rival kicking my ass! This ending is bullshit! I beat Rival, so why is he still in control. Whatever, that¡¯s the end of it. Alright, next week I¡¯m finally going to ask Stalker to be my friend. Be prepared for a melodramatic adventure!

 Episode 9: Setting Out

    After the hero finally takes down the villain of the first arc, the village throws them a party. It¡¯s not only a common trope, it¡¯s just good manners. It helps the audience see the impact of the hero¡¯s virtuous actions. Well, this village is cheap. When asked about the party, Old Dude laughed in my face. Could you imagine what would happen if he did that to Lufi? He would have gotten gumu gumu punched in his face!

    I come out of a worn-down clothing store with a special gift in my bag.

    I hope she likes it.

    My harem is currently un-synched and doing their own thing elsewhere. Best Friend ran off too. And Glasses Kid was on a date with his big sister, Fruity. Brawny Babe had been pulled aside by Old Dude. That means me and Stalker were all alone.

    ¡°I¡¯m so happy you bought me something!¡± She hops in excitement.

    ¡°Hey. I flick her forehead. Who said it was for you?¡± I smile.

    She smiles back and stares into my eyes.

    She wants me so bad. Damn it. Why doesn¡¯t any form of entertainment teach you how to get into the friend zone?

    ¡°Oh, are you going to do the opening and the prequal?¡± she asks, hopping in front of me.

    ¡°There¡¯s too much to do. I¡¯m even thinking of having the ending song play in the background at the end of this episode.¡±

    ¡°You¡¯ve really grown a lot,¡± she says with a grin.

    ¡°Really!? I¡¯m taller!?¡± I exclaim with shimmering eyes.

    ¡°No, silly hero, I mean you¡¯re not as selfish,¡± she says softly. ¡°Thanks a bun bun bundle for rescuing me!¡± she suddenly hugs my leg and starts humping it.

    Geez. She¡¯s making it hard. Not my dick! Hard to friend zone her, I mean.

    Stalker abruptly lets go after staining my leg. ¡°Well, I gotta go knit Best Friend an animal friendly outfit. I¡¯ll see you around.¡±

    ¡°Wait, before you go, there¡¯s something I¡¯ve been wondering,¡± I say with a nervous look.

    Stalker¡¯s eyes become lusty. ¡°Oh. You wanna peek?¡± she asks, lifting her skirt up.

    ¡°Why do you smell like chocolate?¡± I ask with a raised eyebrow.

    Stalker releases her skirt and grabs her cheeks. ¡°I had a nice chocolate bath so that when you rescued me you could¡­clean me,¡± she offers me her hand.

    ¡°What¡¯s the point of a bath that gets you messy?¡± I ask, turning away. ¡°Hey, what happened to you? Where you tortured? Did he hurt you?¡±

    ¡°How about you strip me and find out,¡± says Stalker, lifting her shirt a bit.

    ¡°That wouldn¡¯t tell me anything. You¡¯ve likely healed the physical wounds already.¡±

    Stalker¡¯s eyes went wide. ¡°You rescued me! So you must have gotten hurt! Let me help you,¡± she says lovingly, while trying to pull down my booty shorts.

    ¡°Hey, stop that,¡± I say, pulling away. ¡°I¡¯m sorry for not rescuing you sooner.¡±

    ¡°What did happen while I was out? I haven¡¯t checked my diary in a while,¡± she said, opening it up.

    Oh no! I am not letting her find out that I didn¡¯t save her. If I do, the friendship route will be permanently blocked off.

    I grab her hand. ¡°I don¡¯t want you spying on me okay?¡±

    ¡°But you named me Stalker,¡± she says with a pouty face.

    I grab her hand. ¡°The past doesn¡¯t matter. Wouldn¡¯t you rather make new memories with me than spy on old memories without me?¡±

    Her eyes shimmer.

    ¡°Promise you won¡¯t peek.¡±

    ¡°Not unless it¡¯s an emergency.¡±

    ¡°Good.¡±

    Glasses Kid approaches us. ¡°There you two are.¡±

    ¡°What do you want, twerp?¡±

    ¡°Hey, he called you twerp. Hahahaha,¡± says fruity with an almost robotic laugh.

    ¡°Yeah, he did, didn¡¯t he?¡± Glasses Kid grins.

    Okay, I refuse to be outside of an inside joke.

    ¡°Yeah, good one, am I right?¡± I grin.

    ¡°It¡¯s time to go weapon shopping,¡± says Glasses Kid.

    ¡°With what money?¡±

    Glasses Kid pulls out several papers.

    Oh! Are these our wanted posters?

    ¡°The posters are missions. We completed three missions. Now we just need to turn them in for our rewards.¡±

    ¡°Wow, we¡¯re like real Isekai characters,¡± I say while performing a shoryuken.

    ¡°Watch and learn.¡± Glasses Kid leads the way to a small stall by a bar.

    Nasuke, in a maid outfit, notices me and glares. ¡°What are you here for? Come to steal my victory again?¡±

    Stalker waves and Nasuke cringes in terror like Nagesa from Inky Musume.

    Glasses Kid has Fruity hold him up. ¡°We¡¯re here to collect our reward for three quests: defeating TomCat; rescuing Banana Man¡¯s daughter; and killing CatScratch.¡±

    ¡°Okay, so where¡¯s TomCat?¡± asks Nasuke with a glare.

    I step ahead. ¡°She¡¯s not here, but I definitely beat her.¡±

    ¡°No proof; no reward,¡± says Nasuke with a grin.

    ¡°Okay, well we killed CatScratch,¡± says Glasses Kid.

    ¡°I¡¯d have to see a body. Oh wait, the guy with the swords?¡±

    ¡°Yeah, the CatBoy General,¡± I say with pride.

    ¡°Already turned in.¡± Nasuke gives me that signature Noruto grin.

    Ugh! Why does he hate me?

    ¡°Who did?¡±

    ¡°That¡¯s confidential, sorry.¡±

    ¡°Was it Banana Man?¡± asks Fruity.

    ¡°Yep,¡± says Nasuke.

    We save his daughter and he steals our reward. Not cool!

    ¡°Okay but that last one they did.¡± Fruity points to herself. ¡°I¡¯m Banana Man¡¯s daughter. And yeah, they saved me.¡±

    ¡°Ok, let me just check the registry.¡± Nasuke searches through some papers while we wait impatiently. ¡°Yep. Found it.¡± She lifts up a barrel and sets it on the table. ¡°Your reward in full.¡±

    I open the lid. It shimmers with golden coins with cat faces on them.

    I got a harem before I became rich! Oh yeah! I¡¯m so awesome.You might be reading a pirated copy. Look for the official release to support the author.

    I try to pick up the barrel but its too heavy.

    Brawny Babe lifts it up. ¡°Finished work. Happened to pass by.¡±

    ¡°Well it¡¯s a good thing you did.¡± I smile at her.

    She smiles back.

    Definitely friends with her and she deserves it! She¡¯s so cool.

    ¡°Great. We got some money. Now let¡¯s get the team some better weapons,¡± says Glasses Kid, leading the way till we arrive at what looks like a lemonade stand.

    ¡°Hiya, Merchant,¡± says Stalker, waving at the weird rock man behind the stand.

    ¡°Why ¡®ello, my dear. Been a while, ¡®asn¡¯t it?¡±

    I step up in front. ¡°How do you know her?¡±

    Glasses Kid, now riding on Fruity¡¯s shoulders, pats my head. ¡°Relax. He¡¯s a traveling merchant. He gets around.¡±

    ¡°You know him too?¡±

    ¡°Nope. But you can tell this shop was put up recently. Really recently. The paint is still wet,¡± he says, getting some on his finger and then wiping it on my arm.

    ¡°I came for the people. After the attack, they be running low on many supplies. I was happy to offer ¡®em a bargain,¡± says Merchant, creating dust when he rubbed his stone hands together.

    ¡°I¡¯m going to go knit. I¡¯ll see you later, hero,¡± says Stalker, waving at me before rushing off.

    ¡°Don¡¯t get captured again!¡± I holler. I then turn to Merchant. ¡°What do you even sell?¡±

    ¡°Eheheh. Boy, you should be asking: what don¡¯ I sell?¡± He pulls a long, shining sword out from a sack.

    ¡°Oooh, how much?¡± I ask with wide eyes.

    Glasses Kid flicks my forehead.

    ¡°Ow. What is your problem?¡± I ask, gritting my teeth.

    ¡°You don¡¯t know how to shop. Anytime Best Friend gives you any money, you spend it immediately. Never buy the first item you see and absolutely never ask for the price.¡± Glasses Kid turns to the seller. ¡°What else do you have?¡±

    ¡°Heheh. Smart one, ain¡¯t ya?¡± Merchant grins.

    Merchant lifts out over thirty items all of which look awesome and none of which Glasses Kid buys.

    ¡°Is that everything?¡± asks Glasses Kid.

    ¡°Yep. So, what will it be?¡±

    ¡°Nothing.¡±

    ¡°What?¡± Merchant¡¯s sleezy eyes go white.

    ¡°Nothing your selling is necessary.¡±

    ¡°Fine, then be on your way.¡±

    ¡°The only thing is¡­well, I don¡¯t think it¡¯s for sale.¡±

    ¡°Everything is for sale. I will chop off my arm and give it if the price is right,¡± says Merchant.

    ¡°I offer up this entire barrel of coin!¡± announces Glasses Kid.

    Why is he spending all my money at once? That little hypocrite.

    Merchant opens the barrel and inspects the coin with a special magnifying glass. ¡°Well, well, well, what do you want?¡±

    ¡°Deal or no deal? Isn¡¯t this enough for any single item?¡± asks Glasses Kid.

    ¡°It¡­it is!¡± Merchant reaches out and shakes Glasses Kid¡¯s hand. ¡°It¡¯s a deal!¡±

    Glasses Kid¡¯s eyes go wide and he grins like a jester.

    What the hell is wrong with this little guy?

    ¡°So, um, is it the mermaid blood bottle, the map of the kingdom, or¡­¡±

    ¡°Your pouch. Your special pouch that holds everything. I believe it¡¯s called an Infinity Satchel.¡±

    Merchant¡¯s eyes went wide. ¡°You clever little bastard.¡± He gnarled his teeth. The entire time he shook out the contents of the bag, he glared at Glasses Kid. Once it was empty, he handed it over. ¡°You know, I could use someone like you.¡±

    Glasses Kid rolls his eyes. ¡°I couldn¡¯t care less about Cat Coin. It¡¯s a mere lubricant to get the gears working faster, not a goal in and of itself. What I seek is something a petty man like you would never understand. Farewell.¡±

    Fruity doesn¡¯t budge.

    Glasses Kid leans down. ¡°That was your cue to leave.¡±

    ¡°TomCat would love these.¡± Fruity stares at sleek dual piston kitty-faced gauntlets.

    ¡°Too bad your boyfriend spent all your money,¡± says Merchant, still glaring at Glasses Kid.

    ¡°He¡¯s my little brother.¡± She takes out a purse that looks like a melon. She opens it and the interior has a red seedy pattern and lots of Cat Coin. ¡°Mine.¡± She picks up the gauntlet and gives him a fistful of golden Cat Coins.

    ¡°You still have some coin. Anything else interests ya?¡± asks Merchant, lifting up a magic staff.

    ¡°Trying to buyback your kingdom. That¡¯s rough,¡± she says, looking into his eyes. ¡°She slides him a few extra coins. ¡°Best of luck.¡±

    Merchant grabs her hand and places the coins back in them. ¡°I don¡¯t accept pity tips,¡± his voice was dark and gravely.

    ¡°Still a proud race after all you¡¯ve been through. Don¡¯t let that pride hold you back.¡± She puts her coins back in her purse and walks off.

    I follow along but Brawny Babe stays behind to chat with him. ¡°Hey, why did you spend all our hard-earned money on an empty bag?¡±

    ¡°I dunno Main, what¡¯s the most important thing to grow in an RPG?¡± asks Glasses Kid, dropping his pack in the bag.

    ¡°Experience?¡±

    ¡°Nope. Inventory space. Space gives you more items, which means more money. Plus, did I mention that this bag is absolutely weightless?¡±

    ¡°You spent my money on something for you!¡± I yell.

    ¡°Yep. I¡¯m the treasurer of the team. I make sure the money is used effectively. Now, come on. It¡¯s time to meet at the bar. Harem will be there.¡±

    Harem! Harem! Harem! Wait, what was I complaining about again?

    We make it to the bar called the Loopy Panda. The place is dusty and most of the seats are broken. Spiderwebs line the ceiling and the bartender is wearing dusty clothes. Best Friend and Harem are already inside. Harem all stand up and rush to me, while Best Friend just gives that signature lax smile.

    ¡°You better have brought this deity an offering,¡± says Harem A, pulling on my arm.

    ¡°That little angel wasn¡¯t trying to steal you from me? Was she?¡± asks Harem B, sharpening her fingernails on a kitchen knife.

    ¡°Ummm. Uhhh. Hi.¡± Harem C runs off in embarrassment.

    ¡°Why are you late, idiot?¡± asks Harem D, poking my forehead.

    ¡°I got all the wine samples and mixed them together.¡± Harem H presses her mug to my face. ¡°Want to taste my child?¡±

    Geez, who knew having a harem would be so overwhelming? I have to find a way to answer them all at once.

    ¡°I bet I can tell what kinda panties you¡¯re wearing,¡± I say, sliding my thumb on my forehead in an extra cool manner.

    Harem C releases steam from her head and collapses. Harem B¡¯s eyes widen. H pokes invisible bubbles and makes popping noises.

    ¡°Mwahahahaha!¡± exclaims Harem A. ¡°Go ahead and try. The greatest mystics have been unable to uncover my secrets!¡±

    Harem D grabs me by my collar and hoists me up.

    ¡°A girl like you gets off on perversion! So black lace!¡± I exclaim.

    She drops me and covers her skirt. ¡°You damn perv.¡±

    I point to A. ¡°A kid. Teddy bears or strawberries. Easy peasy.¡± Then B. ¡°Polka dots. Psycho girls who loves cute things often wear polka dots.¡± C cries when I point to her. ¡°Pure white, like your innocent soul.¡± I stare at H for a while. ¡°Ummm, rainbow stripes cuz umm the sixties?¡±

    ¡°Strawberrys? Ha! Teddy bears? Mere pets unworthy of being on my body. You were wrong, mortal!¡± Harem A turns around and pulls the back of her swimsuit to the side. ¡°I¡¯m always commando!¡±

    B slices her skirt. ¡°Polka Dots are for the weak. The weak must die. And I hate cute.¡± She shows off her pure white undies.

    Wait if she¡¯s white, then what does C have?

    ¡°Mine are yellow now,¡± whines C, hiding her face in shame.

    Harem H lifts her skirt, showing off a black void.

    That¡¯s ominous. Censorship is scary.

    Harem D jumps on top of me, wraps her legs around my face and then pins me to the ground with her ass burying my face. ¡°Do those look like black lace to you!? What the hell kind of perv do you think I am?¡±

    I give a thumbs up, which makes her blush and release me.

    I already saw hers, but by saying the wrong thing, I got her to show me. I got all of them to show me! Haha! Harem girls are so easy.

    ¡°Main, will you sit with me?¡± asks Best Friend.

    I push through my harem and immediately sit next to my best bud. ¡°What is it? Aren¡¯t you going to eat?¡±

    ¡°I only eat at Vegan restaurants. Otherwise I¡¯m supporting a place devoid of morality. You know that.¡±

    ¡°The bread is free,¡± I say, taking one off the tray.

    ¡°It¡¯s also covered in butter.¡±

    ¡°Hey man, why don¡¯t we leave this place and go get some Vegan dining together?¡±

    ¡°Why is he sad?¡± asks Harem D, looking at Best Friend with worry.

    ¡°He loves animals. Wants to eat at a vegan place.¡±

    ¡°Oh cool. I¡¯m vegetarian myself. But there¡¯s not any Vegan restaurants in the village. Oh, I know. I¡¯ll be right back.¡± She leaves with a smile.

    Wow. She wasn¡¯t being bitchy. That¡¯s odd. I didn¡¯t expect her to show her nice side until season two at least.

    Harem A sits on the table in front of me. ¡°So, what daring deed gave you the title of the Hero of Destiny?¡± Her eyes shimmer and she drools.

    ¡°I defeated a fearsome dragon with just my hair.¡±

    ¡°Really!¡± Her eyes got wide.

    ¡°Yeah, and I died fighting a CatBoy general, but I came back stronger than ever.¡±

    ¡°Ooooh. So you¡¯re like a Zommy?¡± She pokes at me.

    ¡°Brains. Brains.¡± I grab her head and pretend to bite.

    ¡°Haha, fool! As if I could be turned by a mere Zommy!¡±

    ¡°You¡¯re dead?¡± asks Harem C with a look of horror. Her eyes go blank but she stays standing.

    ¡°Could a dead guy do this?¡± I juggle all the glass cups on the table.

    Harem A hops into my arms and I juggle her too. ¡°Gravity, you have been surpassed yet again!¡± she exclaims.

    Wow, she¡¯s totally weightless.

    ¡°Why does she get to have fun? I secretly love fun,¡± says Harem B, stabbing her thigh with a kitchen knife.

    I move up to her while juggling and lift her in the air too.

    ¡°That looks scary,¡± says Harem C, hiding behind her plate before I lift her up.

    I walk to Harem H, but she¡¯s already floating.

    On second thought, let me not touch her. Not sure if she¡¯s poisonous.

    A man screams in agony from the kitchen.

    The doors to the kitchen open and Harem D comes out with some blood on her face.

    She sits down with a plate of butter-less bread rolls.

    ¡°Mmm. It¡¯s good. Want some?¡± she asks Best Friend.

    I rush in and stuff my face full of the bread rolls.

    Yeah. I can eat a whole truck¡¯s worth of food just like any male Shounen protagonist! Oh man, Harem D is going to get so turned on!

    ¡°Main, you shouldn¡¯t eat too much. You¡¯ll get a tummy ache,¡± says Best Friend, patting my stomach. He turns to Harem D. ¡°He gets full very easily, but always pushes himself to eat more. That charisma is so enchanting.¡±

    ¡°I should cook for you sometime,¡± says Harem D.

    A looks up arrogantly, still airborne. ¡°Ha! The kings of the sea gather from the four corners of the Umi for my cooking.¡±

    B smiles while shivering. ¡°I could find you a mermaid and make some sashimi. Unless you¡¯d rather eat my arm.¡± She cuts into herself.

    Damn, psycho chicks are hot!

    ¡°I try to cook, but it¡¯s too salty. I always cry on it.¡± Harem C, buries her teary face.

    My own Shaolin Football girl! I bet her tears are delicious.

    Best Friend puts his hand on Harem D¡¯s. ¡°How did you make this place a Vegan Restaurant?¡±

    ¡°Well, I had a talk with the head chef. Turns out he just needed to remember that we¡¯re all animals who feel pain. Now he¡¯s an animal lover too,¡± she says, giving a bloody thumbs up.

    Best Friend looks up at her. His eyes shimmer for an instant.

    Whoa, hold up. Is my main love interest hitting on my Best Friend? This is the worst possible ship ever! Sorry NoruHina, you have been surpassed.

    ¡°Nice work, babe,¡± I say, spanking her butt.

    Girls hate it when you call them babe, or spank them. But tsunderes, ohohhoho, they live for it.

    ¡°Don¡¯t make me feel good you pervert!¡± yells Harem D, her fist about to hit me.

    I lift her up and now I¡¯m juggling her too.

    Wow. Four girls are floating above me and they weigh nothing. Juggling powers are amazing.

    The bar door opens and a familiar figure enters.

    ¡°You,¡± says Best Friend softly, drawing his blade.

    The figure suddenly slams into me, making me drop all the girls. I slam into the wall with a broken arm.

 Virtue Signal

    You know how you know you see a character get stabbed, or cut in half and then after the commercial break, they¡¯re fine. Well, turns out that¡¯s not bad writing. It¡¯s a freaking superpower!

    The figure suddenly slams into me. Orange mist appears around me, masking my movements. I keep hold of all my girls and I launch the enemy into the air instead.

    I¡¯ve already retconned my own death plenty of times. Denying a bit of battle damage is nothing for me!

    The Figure kicks off the ceiling and slams into me, smashing me against the floor.

    Harem all topple to the ground.

    Best Friend fires a blood shot but it doesn¡¯t breach the enemy¡¯s defense.

    A bright light emits from the attackers chest, displaying his emblem like a hologram. ¡°The Virtue Signal calls me!¡±

    Yeah. The signal you put up.

    ¡°I, White Night, have come to retrieve what was taken from me,¡± he says in a haughty, exuberant voice.

    White Knight is a bulky tank of hero that is fully decked in armor. His hands are equipped with small shields and he has a single massive shield on his back. His eyes glow pink beneath his helmet, hence why I called him a Goblin Scalper cosplayer before. He wasn¡¯t wearing his cape before, but it looks like a rainbow. And each shield has an emblem of a fist with Egyptian hieroglyphs.

    Why do both him and Harem D have these strange symbols?

    ¡°Get off him before your head slides off your body,¡± says Best Friend, creating a blood katana.

    White Knight presses his foot down on my chest. ¡°Be careful. If you hit me, I may lose my footing.¡±

    ¡°What did I steal from you?¡± I ask, my hair struggling to lift White Knight off me.

    ¡°You¡¯ve taken the fire behind my courageous spirit! Your lies have fooled the ignorant villagers, but I an immune to their charms.¡±

    Even this man hater recognizes how charming this otaku stud is.

    ¡°Let¡¯s see if you¡¯re immune to my blood,¡± says Best Friend, creating a crimson blade.

    ¡°Wait! Stand down. I can handle this guy.¡±

    ¡°Why do you insist on doing everything yourself?¡± asks Glasses Kid, slurping some apple juice with a straw.

    My hair shoots out into White Knight¡¯s knee, giving me an opening to get him off me. I use a nearby stool to hoist myself up. ¡°It¡¯s not anything heroic. I just want to show this dick that I can take him down.¡±

    ¡°How like a man.¡± White Knight lifts a table and smashes it against my body. ¡°Always solving everything with violence!¡±

    My hair grabs the broken leg stumps and whacks them against the knight but they break on impact.

    ¡°My armor is made of Virtunium, the essence of the feminist movement in liquid form!¡± he exclaims, blocking my hair fist assault with his shields.

    ¡°Glasses Kid, care to explain?¡± I ask, pulling a chair up to me to use as leverage.

    ¡°I¡¯m at a complete loss,¡± he says, all arrogance gone from his eyes. ¡°That is the single dumbest thing I¡¯ve ever heard.¡±

    White Knight tosses a broken piece of the table at Glasses Kid. The knight then vanishes, his eye leaving a pink trail. He appears directly in front of Glasses Kid, grabbing the projectile he had thrown.

    Before I even realize what¡¯s going on, White Knight brings the projectile back into me. My hair runs down my shoulders and grabs the piece, keeping it from piercing me.

    Glasses Kid gets out of his chair and goes to Best Friend. ¡°You saw that mist, right?¡±

    White Knight steps on my foot and rams into me, smashing me over the countertop.

    I look up in a daze, seeing pink boxers.

    Harem D speaks up while I check out her sweet ass. ¡°Hey! I don¡¯t like seeing people get hurt unless they deserve it!¡± She kicks my leg.

    ¡°Ow! What did I do?¡±

    ¡°How about being inconsiderate? You think your Best Friend is okay with watching you get hurt? He believes in you! So either stop getting your pathetic ass kicked or move aside so someone else can fight.¡±

    ¡°Why are you defending that thief? He took you from me! He stole all of you from me!¡± yells White Knight, grabbing a fist full of throwing knives.

    ¡°Shut it. You¡¯re no longer the number one hero and beating up some kid isn¡¯t going to get you back your title. You¡¯ve always been an asshole but at least try to hide how pathetic you are!¡± She jumps off the counter and kicks him in the face.

    ¡°Feminists should never fight. I¡¯d never lay a hand on you; you know that,¡± says white knight in a tender voice, blocking her kicks with his shields.

    ¡°Yeah! That¡¯s exactly why I hated you! I was too boyish for you! Well sorry for not being feminine!¡± Red energy coats her arm. ¡°Coin Purse Mode: Crimson Fist.¡± She slams her fist into him. The red aura dives into her arm, making it pulse with muscles.

    White Knight is pushed back and a white aura gathers around his shields. ¡°Stop now, my iron treasure! If you attack again, you¡¯ll get hurt. You identify as a girl, that¡¯s what matters to me! We should be fighting side by side as equals!¡±

    Harem D rushes in.

    Harem C stands in her path. ¡°Please don¡¯t hurt him!¡±

    Rather than stop for no reason, Harem D runs past her friend and slams her fist into White Knight. Her muscles tear but her fist pursues. It pushes the shield aside before blasting the number two hero.

    Rather than be sent flying, he falls to his knees and starts screaming.

    Harem D looks back at me. ¡°Say something inappropriate now.¡±

    A tsundere that asks for naughty talk. Hell yes!

    ¡°I wish I had a car so I could park it between those sweet ass cheeks!¡± I exclaim as Best Friend helps me to my feet.

    ¡°You god-damn pervert!¡± Harem D¡¯s arm glows with energy as she punches White Knight.

    The washout is sent flying through the roof.

    Harem D kicks off the ground.

    I look up through the hole in the ceiling to see her grab White Knight.

    She comes down, smashing another hole in the ceiling before crashing down on top of him. ¡°Beg for mercy!¡± she yells, punching him furiously.

    White Knight puts his hands up and whines. ¡°Please stop.¡±

    My god. If she keeps this up, she¡¯s going to kill him! That¡¯s freaking epic!

    Harem A jumps onto my arm. ¡°You gotta stop her! If she crushes another hero, they will take away her certification.¡±

    Harem C waves at me. ¡°Please save my Knighty.¡± She bows and then scurries off.

    There go my DeathTube fantasy girlfriend dreams. Ugh, whatever. I know how to stop her.

    ¡°Ahoge Ahego Polymerization!¡± I slam the button on my wrist.

    Harem D and the rest are given a shock their system. Their antennae activate as they are pulled together.

    White Night crawls out of the destroyed bar.

    Stalker runs to my side. ¡°You¡¯re hurt.¡±

    ¡°Well yeah. Kinda bleeding everywhere,¡± I say with an eye roll.

    Stalker spits on her hands and starts healing my injuries.

    Best Friend steps up to Harem. ¡°What do you mean by another hero?¡± he asks with skeptical eyes.

    ¡°Hey master,¡± says Harem in unison, waving at me with vacant eyes.

    ¡°You¡¯re not going to get any information out of them now,¡± I say waving back. ¡°Hi, Harem!¡±

    Best Friend hits the switch.

    Harem is desynched. They all look fine, except for D. She¡¯s on her knees, holding her head in pain. ¡°What happened?¡±

    ¡°You nearly killed White Knight. And your nipples peaked while you did it,¡± I say with a grin.

    ¡°Oh. Awesome. Been wanting to do that for a while,¡± she says, holding her forehead.

    Harem C cries in her own arms. ¡°How could you hurt him?¡±

    Hared D points at me. ¡°My job is to protect this idiot. White Knight is no longer our hero. And he doesn¡¯t love you.¡±

    ¡°You¡­ you don¡¯t know that.¡± C ran off crying.

    The owner of the bar approaches us with a stern look. ¡°Who is going to pay for these damages? My establishment is an absolute wreck because of your pissing contest!¡± he glares at me.

    ¡°I¡¯m the stupid and destructive protagonist. It¡¯s not my job to deal with money stuff.¡±

    ¡°I don¡¯t care who does,¡± says the owner. ¡°Just make sure I get paid.¡±

    Glasses Kid scoots a chair up to the owner and stands on it. ¡°I¡¯m sure we can work something out.¡±

    ¡°Good. I¡¯m tallying up the expenses now,¡± says the owner, writing on a note pad.

    ¡°I hear Jeffery, the bar owner down the street died two years ago.¡±

    ¡°Yes. We were good friends. What about it?¡±

    ¡°Poisoned by his good friend. Such a shame.¡±

    ¡°Are you blackmailing me?¡±

    ¡°No. Of course not. I just happened to find a similar poison in your kitchen.¡± Glasses Kid takes out a vial.

    ¡°That¡¯s not poison.¡±

    ¡°Great!¡± Glasses Kid pours it into a cup. ¡°Just gulp it down then.¡±

    ¡°Oh, umm. I¡¯m not thirsty.¡±The author''s tale has been misappropriated; report any instances of this story on Amazon.

    Geez. These two are bickering and Glasses Kid is stealing my screen time.

    ¡°Well I am!¡± I grab the glass and down it.

    ¡°What have you done! You idiot! You¡¯re going to die!¡± yells the owner.

    ¡°You said it wasn¡¯t poison! Why would I die?¡±

    ¡°I was lying!¡± yells the man.

    Glasses Kid chuckles to himself. ¡°Too easy. There was no poison in that vial. But you just admitted to it. Even harboring poison without a license is illegal.¡±

    Harem D gets up in a daze, twirling handcuffs on her finger. ¡°Good thing I¡¯m an enforcement agent.¡±

    ¡°You¡¯re the one who beat up my head chef!¡± yells the owner.

    ¡°Yeah.¡± She grabs his hand. ¡°I am.¡± She cuffs him. ¡°You¡¯re under arrest under suspicion of murder. The damages to your establishment will be taken care of by ISEKAI, however you¡¯ve lost your license to manage this establishment. Any complaints will be answered with brutal force.¡± She twists his arm behind his back. ¡°Got it?¡±

    The owner nods in tears.

    ¡°Great.¡± Harem D goes behind the counter and takes the deed from the drawer. She turns to Fruity. ¡°I¡¯m turning the building over to your father.¡± She smiles at Best Friend. ¡°That means this will be the first Vegan bar in Doomed.¡±

    Best Friend had red stars in his eyes.

    How did this happen? Harem D is taking him away from me. I have to do something.

    ¡°Yeah! That¡¯s right! And it¡¯s all because I decided to get a Harem!¡± I exclaim with great pride.

    Best Friend blinks and turns to me. ¡°I¡¯m deeply apologetic. What did you say? I must have zoned out.¡±

    My whole body sinks. Tears well up in my eyes. ¡°I didn¡¯t say anything.¡± I walk out of the bar.

    Stalker follows me. ¡°You okay, master?¡±

    ¡°I¡¯m not your master.¡±

    ¡°But the other girls said that¡­so I thought¡­¡± her voice trails off.

    ¡°I need to be alone. Things aren¡¯t going well at all.¡±

    ¡°Oh great!¡± She hops in front of me. ¡°I wanted to be alone too!¡± She grabs my hand.

    ¡°I didn¡¯t mean alone together. I meant alone. By myself.¡±

    ¡°Oh¡­okay.¡±

    ¡°Hey, why don¡¯t I umm, go get your girlfriend for you?¡±

    I smile at Stalker. ¡°You¡¯d really do that!¡±

    ¡°Yeah. Of course. Anything for the man I love.¡± She stuck out her tongue, catching a tear that fell from my eyes. ¡°Too salty. I want the happy tears.¡±

    ¡°Thanks, but I don¡¯t know where she is.¡±

    ¡°Well, maybe Daddy Waddy knows. He was the last one with her from what I remember. Do you know where he is?¡±

    I grab her hand. ¡°He left to go rescue you. I¡­stayed behind at the time to save the village. I¡¯m sorry. I don¡¯t deserve you. I¡¯m no hero.¡± I kick a muddy puddle in my path for showing me my miserable face.

    ¡°That¡¯s exactly what a hero should do! I¡¯m proud of you.¡± She climbs up on a trash bin and pats my head. She then loses her balance and falls into my arms. ¡°Will you help me find him?¡± she asks, smiling up at me.

    ¡°Wait, he can teleport. Wouldn¡¯t he be able to rescue you instantly?¡±

    ¡°Oh, you¡¯ve never heard of Rift Taboo?¡±

    ¡°That edgy Smash Sibs¡¯ final boss?¡±

    ¡°No, silly. See my Dad is a Rift Ripper. And a Rift Taboo a zone where Rift Rippers are blocked from entering. See, not only can they teleport. The really uber duper powerful ones can block access to an entire area. Their aura can create a barrier that can forbid others from entering. In this case, it just blocked off the portal point.¡±

    ¡°And what¡¯s a portal point?¡±

    ¡°Like a fast travel station.¡±

    ¡°Oh okay. I get it. And you think a Rift Ripper is working for Flam?¡±

    ¡°Yeah. I think that¡¯s gotta be it. But why not use the Rift Ripper to bring me there? I mean would it matter if I knew if he was going to kill me anyway?¡±

    ¡°I doubt he¡¯d answer if I asked him.¡±

    ¡°Oh, so he¡¯s in your head.¡±

    I smile awkwardly and set her down. ¡°I¡¯m totally in control. Don¡¯t worry. I just get that boy who lived scar flashes sometimes.¡±

    Stalker starts to cry.

    ¡°Hey now. Save those precious tears. We don¡¯t know when we¡¯ll need them.¡±

    ¡°I think Daddy was captured. Otherwise he would have saved me.¡±

    ¡°But you just said there was a Rift Taboo around the Castle.¡±

    ¡°Yeah, but there¡¯s a Portal Point not too far away in the forest.¡±

    ¡°Main, please. We have to rescue him.¡±

    ¡°Alright, it¡¯s a deal.¡± I put my hand out.

    She goes to shake it and I pull back.

    ¡°But only if you sneak me into the brothel,¡± I say with a look of intensity.

    ¡°What?¡± Her face lights up.

    ¡°Best Friend won¡¯t let me go and I don¡¯t want to go in alone. There¡¯s something suspicious about that place and I¡¯m going to find out what it is. You want my help; don¡¯t you?¡±

    ¡°I was kinda curious myself. Okay. It¡¯s a deal.¡± She sprouts wings and gives me a high five.

    Since when can she do that?

    If you want to hear all about the awesome and sexy brothel adventure Stalker and I had, you¡¯ll have to support the DBD and Bob-Ray edition of The Main Character!: The Hero¡¯s Epic Journey Continues!

    ¡°Wow, that was so much fun!¡± I exclaim, lying in a reclining chair at our wooden lodge.

    ¡°The most fun I¡¯ve ever had!¡± cheers Stalker.

    ¡°For sure! And who would have guessed that person would show up?¡±

    ¡°Right? And to think they used that technique too?¡±

    ¡°Seriously epic! Revengers level threat right there!¡±

    ¡°Ooooh! I wanna see those movies with you sometime.¡±

    ¡°Well then we gotta find your father.¡± I pat her head.

    ¡°Yeah!¡±

    ¡°I¡¯m not going with you.¡± Glasses Kid doesn¡¯t even bother to look up from the book he¡¯s reading.

    ¡°What do you mean?¡± I ask, shaking my head.

    ¡°Hey! That¡¯s mine!¡± Stalker grabs the journal from his hands and bonks him on the head.

    ¡°That angel outfit you wore sounds very alluring,¡± says Glasses Kid with a stupid smirk.

    ¡°Stop talking or I¡¯ll cry,¡± she says, looking over at me.

    She¡¯s hiding something from me. New mission. Find out what¡¯s in that book. But at the moment, I need to keep my team together.

    ¡°Is this because you missed out on the brothel and all the fun we had?¡± I ask.

    ¡°No. I can¡¯t say why.¡± Glasses Kid looks down.

    ¡°I will drag you with us if I have to.¡±

    ¡°If I tell you, then you¡¯ll be put in danger. The less you know, the better.¡±

    ¡°That logic only applies to shows awful reboots like Cutey Agave Universe!¡±

    ¡°You mean Cutie Honey?¡± asks Stalker.

    ¡°Hey! I¡¯m using a fake name to escape copyright threats! Article thirteen passed so nothing is sacred.¡±

    ¡°Oh okay. Just make sure you use the same fake name please,¡± says Stalker, shaking my hand.

    ¡°There¡¯s something in the village I have to take care of. Let¡¯s leave it at that.¡± Glasses Kid approaches Stalker. ¡°Ruiz¡­he never died right?¡±

    She shook her head. ¡°No. Which means Flam still has his power.¡±

    ¡°Hey!¡± I step between them. ¡°Don¡¯t leave me out of the loop! Who is Ruiz?¡±

    Stalker and Glasses Kid walk off, whispering to each other.

    Flamboyant Villains oddly seductive voice suddenly rings in my head. ¡°There¡¯s so much you don¡¯t know.¡±

    ¡°Don¡¯t act so smug about it. That just increases my chance of being renewed for a new season.¡±

    ¡°Like with The Lost?¡±

    ¡°I hate you.¡±

    ¡°No. Mild disdain at most. You don¡¯t hate me¡­yet. Now, I could tell you what those two are scheming.¡±

    ¡°But to do so I¡¯d need to do you a favor. This is a bad idea but I¡¯m bored, so tell me what you want.¡±

    ¡°There¡¯s a spy in Harem. Discovering who is incredibly important.¡±

    ¡°Nice try YomiKuma, but I¡¯m not going to start doubting my friends to find someone who doesn¡¯t exist.¡±

    I may be bored, but I¡¯m not going to ruin friendship possibilities.

    ¡°If you find out who it is, you¡¯ll be rewarded.¡±

    ¡°With?¡±

    ¡°I¡¯ll let you know what those two are scheming and I¡¯ll end our bond. You¡¯ll be free.¡±

    ¡°Why would you risk so much?¡±

    ¡°Honestly I¡¯m bored too. Without high stakes it¡¯s rather uneventful no?¡±

    ¡°Yeah! When They Don¡¯t Die is what season two should have been called, am I right?¡±

    ¡°I haven¡¯t a clue about your childish references. Now, do we have a deal?¡±

    ¡°Yeah. I¡¯ll use my Ultimate Luck talent to uncover the traitor!¡± I exclaim, running out of the cabin.

    Best Friend grabs my ear. ¡°You¡¯re grounded. Or did you forget?¡±

    ¡°I told you, it was Stalker who made me go! So back off, Kasumii.¡±

    ¡°I expected so much better from you. To think I must reduce myself to being a school teacher for a rowdy boy.¡±

    Wow. That sounds really kinky! I¡¯d love for him to stick that pointer stick in my mouth while making me call him sensei.

    ¡°Are you thinking about that brothel? You had better not be.¡±

    ¡°Heh. You got me,¡± I say, sticking out my tongue.

    ¡°Glasses Kid is up to something suspicious but I¡¯m stuck babysitting you.¡±

    Brawny Babe, who has walked back and forth in front of the cabin several times to get noticed, finally gives in and approaches us.

    ¡°Could investigate on behalf.¡±

    ¡°Hold up! No murder yet; so hold off on the investigation, Ogre.¡±

    Brawny Babe looks at me curiously. ¡°Am elf. Enchanted Lover of Forest. Elf.¡±

    ¡°Urgh! Why does nobody get my references?¡± I ask, pulling at my hair.

    Best Friend shakes his head. ¡°Please don¡¯t reference dead characters when referring to our allies.¡± He turns to Brawny Babe. ¡°I trust you with the investigation. Let¡¯s discuss your findings over breakfast.¡±

    ¡°Mmh!¡± she exclaims with a thumbs up.

    The sound of a giggle comes from her back.

    ¡°What was that?¡± I ask.

    ¡°Huh? No idea what talking about.¡±

    ¡°The basket on your back just giggled.¡±

    ¡°Must get going,¡± she says, walking off.

    I turn to Best Friend. ¡°Why is she hiding things from us?¡±

    ¡°Take no offense. She feels the responsibility of her mission is for her to bear alone.¡±

    ¡°Well when she gets back I¡¯m going to make her talk. When I see that loneliness in her eyes¡­¡± I freeze up.

    Best Friend grabs my hand. ¡°You think of yourself. How you were?¡±

    ¡°No! I just¡­don¡¯t like it.¡± I pull away and enter the room again. ¡°Hey, do you think Boobslime will return?¡±

    ¡°I hope not.¡±

    ¡°For all you know she was at the brothel.¡±

    ¡°True. I don¡¯t know.¡±

    ¡°So umm, tomorrow we leave for Glam Castle.¡±

    ¡°That¡¯s the plan.¡±

    ¡°I don¡¯t think I¡¯m strong enough to beat him.¡±

    ¡°Well then, we should find ways of making you stronger along the way.¡±

    ¡°Hey. Bro to bro talk. Umm, do you like Harem D?¡± I ask, scratching my head.

    Best Friend looks down with a slight smile. ¡°You should get some rest.¡±

    ¡°Yeah¡­okay. Sorry, just kind of bored.¡±

    ¡°Believe me, there are other things I¡¯d rather be doing as well.¡±

    I grab his hand. ¡°Then let¡¯s do them together.¡±

    ¡°Alright, but it is a bit dangerous. We mustn¡¯t get caught.¡±

    Oooh! A romantic spy date! This is a dream come true!

    Best Friend got me suited up in his black jammies. We were both wearing all black, meaning not only did we blend in with our surroundings, but were matching.

    ¡°So, uhh, what are we doing?¡± I ask, after we navigated through the town¡¯s market.

    ¡°In Squitoon the zappy fish power the city. The game is egregiously immoral so the tragic truth of the zappy fish¡¯s enslavement is glossed over.¡±

    ¡°Yeah. Honestly I mostly just remember the splatter fests. So many wars could be avoided if world leaders just solved things through online battles.¡±

    ¡°Not the point, but you¡¯re correct as per usual.¡± Best Friend beckons me into Old Dude¡¯s hut.

    ¡°So, why are we here exactly? And how do we know he isn¡¯t inside?¡± I ask, peeking from the outside.

    ¡°Stalker¡¯s monsterpedia talks about an insect known as the Eletriket. It¡¯s is a small bug that holds massive energy within it.¡±

    ¡°And you want to free them even though it could us in trouble?¡± I nudge him with my elbow.

    ¡°Yeah. I just can¡¯t bear to see others trapped and helpless.¡±

    ¡°You¡¯re a better hero than I¡¯ll ever be,¡± I say softly.

    ¡°So, will you help me?¡±

    ¡°I¡­can¡¯t.¡±

    ¡°Why not?¡±

    ¡°This isn¡¯t a one-way trip. We¡¯re gonna return to the village. We¡¯re going to get more jobs! These people can¡¯t afford ethical power. So as a hero I need to go on an adventure and find them some other source of energy.¡±

    Best Friend is silent. He leads me to the back of the tent and pulls back the curtain, revealing many Electrickets, little electrically charged crickets all trapped in glass containers.

    Poor dwarf in the beaker.

    ¡°Can you really ignore their right to freedom?¡± he asks, looking into my eyes.

    ¡°I finally got these people to respect me. Maybe I can use that to help Brawny Babe¡¯s people or something. That is like allegorically fighting racism so it¡¯s sure to give me woke points, right?¡± I ask with a grin.

    ¡°What about fighting against speciesism? What about the people trapped in front of you? How would you like to be used as a living battery?¡±

    He¡¯s really trying to guilt me into this.

    ¡°If I¡¯m going to change this village. I¡¯m doing it my way.¡±

    ¡°And what way is that?¡± Best Friend grabs my arm as I turn away.

    ¡°I don¡¯t know yet. It¡¯s still season one. It¡¯s fine for me not to have established my unique way of being a hero.¡± I walk out.

    Best Friend follows me.

    We didn¡¯t speak a word all the way back to the cabin.

    That night, the nightmare returned. That same awful nightmare. This time, a train came out of nowhere and killed him. Damn it, Titor¡¯s Gate; why must you torment me even now?

    Morning came and Best Friend wasn¡¯t there. I conned Runt into staying at my cabin and doing my laundry and keeping Friendship entertained. I then left to meet with Banana Man. His stall was gone now; he had already completed his move to the bar. The sign now read: Princely Produce Bar and Restaurant. Apparently with the cash he got from turning in the CatScratch kill quest, he was able to order exotic fruits from abroad and had created a whole new menu. I overslept so I arrived late to the grand opening. Glasses Kid, Stalker, Brawny Babe, Fruity, Banana Man, Best Friend and all members of Harem except C were all seated at an extra long table.

    Last night was so cold. Life without him is like an Iced Shell.

    ¡°Stop standing around and take a seat!¡± TomCat picks me up and drops me into a chair next to her and Glasses Kid.

    ¡°Does this mean you¡¯re coming with?¡± I ask Glasses Kid.

    ¡°Only if you beg,¡± he says, dangling a carrot in front of my face.

    I look down. ¡°Please. You¡¯re a pain in the ass and I don¡¯t trust you at all. But you¡¯re still my friend.¡±

    ¡°Okay. I¡¯ll join you.¡±

    ¡°Thanks.¡±

    ¡°If you kiss me.¡± He purses his lips.

    What the hell?

    ¡°I¡¯m not kissing you!¡±

    ¡°No deal then.¡± He gets up.

    ¡°You stubborn little bastard! You know what, I¡¯m better off without you!¡±

    ¡°Stop shouting!¡± yells TomCat. ¡°And you.¡± She points at Glasses Kid. ¡°Do I have to force you into your seat?¡±

    ¡°That sounds like it could be fun,¡± he says with a grin.

    ¡°Rrrgh!¡± TomCat growls.

    Glasses Kid cowers and returns to his seat.

    Fruity stands up. ¡°Tommy! I got you something!¡± Her usually grim face became bright like a banana.

    ¡°You did?¡± asks the flustered cat-girl.

    Fruity reaches into Glasses Kid¡¯s bag and lifts up the new kitty gauntlets. ¡°Do you like them?¡± She smiles at TomCat.

    TomCat freezes up and then laughs awkwardly. ¡°Yeah. Yeah. You¡¯re great. They¡¯re great. Very pretty. The gauntlets¡­I mean.¡± She awkwardly sinks into her chair.

    Oh. So it¡¯s more than just friendship. Looks like TomCat has a kitty crush!

    ¡°I hope you¡¯ll still visit,¡± says Banana Man, twirling the straw in his strawberry smoothie.

    ¡°I will, Daddy. But it may be a few weeks. We don¡¯t know.¡± She turns to TomCat with flushed cheeks.

    ¡°Y-Y-Yeah! I¡¯ll go over the route.¡±

    To keep things more interesting I¡¯m going to skip the whole rundown of where we are going. Yeah. I¡¯m thoughtful like that.

    After the rundown we all head out.

    Fruity gives her father one last hug. ¡°Stay safe, Daddy.¡±

    ¡°You too, pumpkin.¡± He tickles her.

    She holds back a giggle and then cries on his shoulder.

    This is my moment.

    I approach TomCat.

    ¡°What?¡± She glares at me. ¡°Got a problem with my plan?¡±

    ¡°I just wanted to thank you for helping out. And I got you a gift.¡±

    ¡°You did?¡± she asks, raising her eyebrow.

    ¡°Yeah.¡± I pull out a bracelet from my pocket. It has a kitty face pendant dangling from it.

    ¡°This is¡­really cute.¡±

    ¡°Oh, well I thought it was fearsome! I¡¯m not trying to feminize you or anything.¡±

    Shit! This was supposed to increase my chance of making her a permanent teammate!

    She puts her arm around me. ¡°No worries. I like cute.¡± She grins at me, showing her kitty fangs.

    ¡°Follow me, everyone,¡± says Glasses Kid, taking out an Epad.

    Wait how did he get that?

    This episode ran a bit long so no opening or ending was really needed. But I will give you a sneak peak! Next time I will lose my sacred otaku virginity, but you¡¯ll have to tune in to find out who gets the prize! Don¡¯t miss it!

 Episode 10: Sex

    Episode 10 Part 1

    Previously on The Main Character!: with the power of being a teenager who commands a group of horny virgins, I was easily able to take down the jealous hero: White Knight. Harem D and Best Friend got into a big fight, so they obviously aren¡¯t into each other. Best Friend was moved by my heroic decision not to save the little people who were being used as an energy source. And TomCat wants to ride my bone after I gave her a bracelet. There are honestly so many people who want to have sex with me and it¡¯s in the title! It¡¯s destiny for me to lose my virginity this episode. I just have to make sure its with the right person.

    After a busy night of traveling thought that prickly forest from the Boobslime OVA, we set up camp. Glasses Kid¡¯s Infinity Satchel apparently has all sorts of camping equipment. I absolutely did not sleep alone. I did not have that same terrible nightmare either. In fact, I woke up with Harem D in my bed, snuggling me.

    Yeah! That¡¯s who I want to bone more than anyone!

    ¡°Hero, your heart is beating. It¡¯s pumping blood,¡± says Harem B with wide eyes.

    Oh shit! It¡¯s the crazy girl. It was supposed to be D for damn she thicc, not B for babe with the bloodlust. No worries. I can handle this. If Yukki can score Miss Goresai, then I can definitely make this babe fall for me.

    ¡°You know what else is pumping blood?¡± I ask with my perfected eyebrow raise.

    ¡°No. But can I cut it out and keep it?¡± she asks, starting to pull out her cleaver.

    I place my hands on hers which makes her blush.

    ¡°You¡¯re too bold! I¡¯m not ready for marriage,¡± she says, holding her flushed cheeks while clawing at them.

    ¡°Marriage is for masochists who like really hardcore soul bondage. You seem more like a sadist to me.¡±

    Harem B blushes and holds her hands to her chest. ¡°You pay attention to me? I¡¯m visibly embarrassed so I might just cut you in half.¡±

    My hair shoots out and wraps her hands, keeping them from pulling out her katana cleaver.

    ¡°If you kill me, then you¡¯ll have your license revoked. Plus¡­I really like you. You¡¯re um¡­such a cute girl. Sure my ghost could haunt you, but I wouldn¡¯t be able to touch your soft skin.¡± I place a single finger on my hand.

    Harem B snorts awkwardly and then starts shivering. She lies down and rotates her head while laughing maniacally.

    Oh shit! I¡¯ve got to get out of here. My absolute terror is making it really hard to enjoy how charmingly psychotic she is.

    Harem B suddenly stops laughing. She stares at me, licking her lips.

    ¡°If you hurt me, Best Friend will kill you.¡±

    ¡°That angel¡­every time she looks at you with love. I want to cut the passion out of those big eyes.¡±

    ¡°Hey. She¡¯s my friend.¡±

    Harem B slides on top of me, moving like a snake. ¡°You swear on your life?¡± she asks, a single finger pressed against my throat.

    ¡°Your hand is shaking,¡± I say, touching her.

    She pulls away with embarrassment. ¡°I¡¯m nervous as hell around cute guys that I hide my feelings for. But that¡¯s not why I got the shakes. Blood! I need it! Soon. I must feed,¡± she claws at her sides and licks the blood off her fingernails.

    Soooo sexy! Imagine how crazy she is in the sheets! I¡¯m going to make so many little Chowdas with this crazy bunny.

    ¡°We¡¯re in a forest! How about a bit later, we go out and find some bandits? Sound fun?¡±

    ¡°Okay. But I don¡¯t want you to see my bad side. You won¡¯t love me then¡­and if your heart no longer craves me¡­I¡¯ll just keep cutting till it at least fears me,¡± she says with an innocent smile.

    She¡¯s lonely just like me.

    I hug Harem B.

    ¡°Wha-wha-what are you doing? Bloodless physical contact makes me feel vulnerable,¡± she says wiggling and crying.

    ¡°Hey. It¡¯s okay to feel vulnerable at times.¡± I pat her head.

    She inhales like a banshee and then snuggles me. ¡°I¡­like you.¡± Her voice is shaky and soft.

    ¡°I look forward to our date.¡±

    Her tongue sticks out. She whacks me with a pillow. ¡°Me too. Don¡¯t die before then!¡± She then skips out of the room.

    Hell yes! I got a date! That¡¯s one potential sex route open.

    The covers pop up and Runt pops out from between my legs. ¡°Awesome job on the date! Can I come along?¡± He beams at me.

    ¡°You absolutely cannot! And I thought you stayed behind at the village. You weren¡¯t there at the meeting.¡±

    ¡°Well, I get nervous around big crowds. I told you I was coming along on your journey.¡±

    ¡°Look, Runt. I need your help with something.¡±

    He sits in my lap with wide eyes. ¡°You do?¡±

    Let¡¯s see how gullible this little runt is.

    ¡°They¡¯re all dead.¡± I soften my voice.

    His eyes pop with shock. ¡°Wh-What?¡±

    ¡°Yeah. While you were asleep, enemy stando users came and slaughtered everyone.¡±

    ¡°That¡¯s horrible.¡± His eyes went vacant.

    ¡°They were all replaced with alternate versions of themselves. Honestly. I don¡¯t know if I¡¯m the real me.¡±

    ¡°No! You can¡¯t be a clone!¡±

    ¡°Sorry, Runt. There¡¯s no way of knowing. Well, unless we learn the truth.¡±

    ¡°Do you have a lead?¡± he asks, leaning in.

    ¡°Yeah.¡± I pick him up and set him on my side. ¡°There¡¯s a spy among Harem. I need your help to find out who. Maybe we could split up and cover more ground.¡±

    He hugs my leg. ¡°But I don¡¯t want to leave you. It¡¯s scary outside. I don¡¯t wanna get retired.¡± He sobs.

    ¡°Sorry but it¡¯s the only way I¡¯m going to figure out who the spy is.¡±

    ¡°Nuh-uh.¡±

    ¡°Uh-huh.¡± I stick out my tongue.

    ¡°What if you do that cool POV thing? Then you can spy on them without them knowing.¡±

    I pick up Runt and hug him. ¡°That¡¯s a genius idea¡­that I just came up with. And you can stand guard. If my real body is in danger, just talk about how epic I am until I regain my point of view.¡±

    ¡°Gotcha, boss! I¡¯m being helpful! Yay!¡±

    ¡°You sure are! I¡¯m starting to think bringing you along was a good idea after all.¡± I take a deep breath. ¡°Alright. Time to take my ego down a notch!¡± I smack my face. ¡°You¡¯re an idiot who¡¯s undeserving of being a hero. That¡¯s why Best Friend no longer loves you.¡± As I am swept in tears, I feel my consciousness leave me.

    I stretch as I yawn, letting out a little meow.

    ¡°Status update?¡± asks Flam.

    I flick my forehead. ¡°It¡¯s too early for your nonsense.¡±

    ¡°TomCat, I am the one who brought you back. Don¡¯t make me regret that.¡±

    ¡°Mornings are for me. Plus, you can¡¯t do anything now.¡± I scratch my ear with my foot.

    ¡°I could make that boy do whatever I want to you.¡±

    My body shivers. I shake away the flashes.

    ¡°You don¡¯t need my update anyway. Not with your little spy roaming around.¡±

    ¡°I¡¯m not the only one with a spy. You will uncover who they are and what they know.¡±

    ¡°D is like their big sister. No way is she going to just let me interrogate them.¡±

    ¡°Then do so without letting her figure it out. I¡¯m oh so busy. Don¡¯t fail me. You know how much I¡¯d love to punish you.¡± His voice fades away into a whisper.

    Damn that man!

    I punch my pillow and scratch it open in a fit of rage.

    ¡°Rawr!¡±

    I feel something leap onto my back.

    I grab it and slam it against the bed.

    ¡°Oh hai yo whatsupu?¡± Harem A asks with a toothy grin.

    ¡°What are you doing here?¡±

    ¡°I was sent by the almighty Great Blue to cleanse the world of¡­¡±

    I cover her my mouth with my hand. ¡°Why are you in my tent?¡±If you discover this narrative on Amazon, be aware that it has been stolen. Please report the violation.

    She nibbles my hand until I let go. After landing on the bed she rolls and then pops up. ¡°Everyone else was asleep!¡±

    ¡°So you¡¯re bored then.¡± I roll my eyes. ¡°Not my job to entertain you.¡±

    Harem A suddenly hugs me. ¡°It¡¯s been years! I am here to wash away your loneliness like a powerful tsunami!¡± She nuzzles me fiercely while growling.

    Still just as cute as ever.

    I grab her and lift her up.

    ¡°Whoosh! I¡¯m a flying fish! A Neo Aquarius! Pew. Pew. Pew!¡± she exclaims, spitting at me.

    I glare at her. ¡°I left you.¡±

    ¡°Yep.¡±

    ¡°I¡¯m no longer a part of your team.¡±

    ¡°Got it.¡±

    I stare at her and she just smiles. ¡°That means you should hate me.¡±

    ¡°Ummm¡­okay now I¡¯m confused.¡±

    ¡°I betrayed you and murdered your hero. There¡¯s no way you forgot that!¡±

    ¡°Yeah¡­that was kinda sad.¡± She reaches out and pulls at my ears. ¡°But we¡¯re friends and friendship is as undying as the sea!¡±

    ¡°You¡­really want to be my friend after all that.¡±

    She bops my nose and grins. ¡°That means yes,¡± she whispers.

    ¡°Too bad.¡±

    ¡°That¡¯s it; bow down and serve me! Wait¡­too bad?¡± she looks at me curiously.

    ¡°I didn¡¯t actually betray you. I was never on your side. A spy since the very beginning. Our friendship was just part of the game.¡± I grin.

    There. Now she better leave me alone. I have to stay focused on my mission.

    ¡°Oooh!¡± She nods. ¡°I understand.¡± She shoves both fingers up my nose, pulls on my left earlobe and knees me in the crotch making me cough.

    I toss her against the bed. ¡°What the hell was that for?¡±

    ¡°New game plus initiated! Let¡¯s play the friend game again!¡± She hops on my arm and grins at me while bouncing up and down.

    ¡°Urrrgh! Fine! Whatever.¡±

    There¡¯s no saying no to her. Stubborn as ever.

    ¡°Hey, does Harem D still umm talk about me?¡± I ask, turning away.

    ¡°You betcha! She uses all sorts of curses! She seems really excited you¡¯re on the team! Wants you to sing to her with your broken bones! That sounds really fun!¡±

    This is going to be a long journey. Ugh. I don¡¯t deserve A¡¯s kindness. I don¡¯t deserve anything. I¡¯m a damn coward. I¡¯m foolish to have thought I could ever be a hero.

    ¡°I did not ask for your tears as an offering!¡± Harem A licks my face and tickles me until I giggle.

    It¡¯s so hard to be broody around this little bundle of sunshine.

    ¡°Well if we¡¯re friends, then how about you help me test out my new gauntlets?¡±

    ¡°Mwahahaha! You wish to spar with a deity!¡±

    ¡°You coming or not?¡± I ask, getting suited up.

    ¡°Yeah! Of course!¡±

    ¡°Ah!¡± Runt screams, shaking me awake. ¡°You¡¯re so awesome! Like the best ever! Now save me!¡±

    ¡°What is it?¡± I ask, my hair grabbing the sharpest object it could find and holding it out like a weapon.

    ¡°Monster!¡± cries Runt, pointing at the entrance to the hut.

    I thrust my toothbrush forward, but there¡¯s nothing there. My hair lifts up Runt by his hair. ¡°Are you lying to me?¡±

    ¡°No! There was like a ghost or something! I swear!¡±

    ¡°I¡¯m a moron who gets tricked by lying little kids! Clearly I¡¯m not worthy of being a hero!¡±

    ¡°Another blank page! No fair! I wanted to see him take care of that morning wood. But he keeps releasing his POV!¡± I slam my hero¡¯s diary shut. ¡°Wait! He¡¯s sleeping! That means I just need to distract the kid and then¡­I can watch him sleep¡­inches from his bedside!¡± I hop in excitement and head toward the exit.

    ¡°Umm. Hi.¡± Harem C waves at me.

    ¡°Hiya!¡± I wave back. ¡°Do you need something? You already have bewitching breasts that are enchanting my hero, you accursed psyren!¡± I yell, pointing at her.

    She cowers and cries.

    ¡°Sorry. I shouldn¡¯t have said that.¡± I grab her hand and lead her to the bed. I take a seat. ¡°I¡¯m just overwhelmed. Main has so many love interests now. I¡¯m sure you mean no harm.¡±

    ¡°I do.¡±

    ¡°You do mean harm?¡±

    ¡°Well only a little,¡± she says softly, averting her gaze.

    She¡¯s shy. It¡¯s so cute.

    ¡°Oh, I get it. You like Main too. Well, I¡¯m not backing down. Sorry, peachy.¡±

    ¡°I don¡¯t like him. I want him¡­a teensy bit¡­dead.¡±

    Wha¡­..

    I give her a blank stare.

    ¡°Only a teensy bit. And I don¡¯t want to hurt him. Just a little bit dead would be nice. Nothing too bad.¡±

    ¡°Hold up!¡± I gather the water from my cup and turn it into a spear. ¡°You¡¯re not hurting my hero!¡±

    ¡°Of course not. But umm¡­maybe you could.¡±

    ¡°I would never! Now tell me why I shouldn¡¯t end your life right now.¡±

    Harem C breaks down into tears. ¡°I can¡¯t. My life¡­is worthless.¡±

    ¡°Stop.¡± I lower the water into the cup and drink it. ¡°Look, just explain what you mean.¡±

    ¡°I miss my boyfriend. He needs me.¡±

    ¡°Okay? Ummm¡­what does that have to do with Main?¡±

    ¡°Just like you I¡¯m bound to Main because he¡¯s the number one hero. If he were to die, just a little bit. Then my Knighty would be number one and we would be back together.¡± She hugs herself and pats her shoulders.

    ¡°Umm, who¡¯s Knighty?¡±

    ¡°The worthy people call him White Knight. But Knighty is my special name for him. Do you wanna know what he calls me?¡± Her eyes sparkle.

    ¡°Sure.¡±

    ¡°My equal.¡± She holds her cheeks.

    ¡°Wow. That¡¯s like the sweetest thing! I didn¡¯t know he was nice,¡± I say with an awkward chuckle.

    ¡°He¡¯s very nice. Never hurts me and always consensual. It took a while before we umm¡­became Voltran.¡± She smiles just a bit. ¡°I had to bend and beg for his umm sword¡­if a girl doesn¡¯t beg, he feels uneasy. He¡¯s such a virtuous knight.¡±

    Ummmmm.

    ¡°Wow. He sounds¡­uhh¡­cool and nice.¡±

    Her eyes glare at me with a terrifying void. ¡°You want him too?¡±

    ¡°No way! I¡¯m not tall enough for that ride anyways. I understand you now.¡± I grab her head and pull her into my bosom. ¡°Love is just making you a bit loopy. I can relate. Well, we aren¡¯t love rivals so¡­maybe I can help you out.¡±

    ¡°Really! You¡¯re too kind.¡± Harem C sobs in my arms.

    Runt shakes me to my senses. ¡°Swallow the mountain. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Eat the ocean. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Guts. You have guts. Umm take the world on your plate! I really gotta go!¡±

    ¡°What is it this time? I¡¯m trying to find out if my angel is plotting to kill me! What could possibly be more important than that?¡± I glare at him.

    He bounces in place. ¡°I gotta go potty. I can¡¯t go alone.¡±

    Flashes of Best Friend holding my hand, followed by synchronized peeing, dance in my mind before vanishing.

    ¡°Okay, Runt. Let¡¯s just go quickly so we can continue our very important mission.¡±

    Runt nods and pulls me outside.

    I watch the area as he faces the bushes.

    Best Friend always lost. My stream was always longer. But what if he was holding back? And if so, why?

    ¡°All done!¡± Runt rushes to my side and grabs my hand.

    ¡°Okay good! Now hopefully I can get back into Stalker¡¯s point of view.¡± I lie down inside the futon in my tent.

    ¡°I¡¯ve got you covered this time.¡± Runt clears his throat. ¡°You¡¯re super awesome but slightly less awesome than you think. And you may be the best hero ever, but you still have room to improve.¡±

    I put my hand over his mouth. ¡°Stop. You¡¯re terrible at this. Look, the secret is to listen to that nasty voice in your head. The one that sounds like everyone who never believed in you.¡± My shoulders slump.

    ¡°But there¡¯s no voice in my head.¡±

    ¡°Main, your entire channel was shut down. Your legacy is gone and you have no way of returning home. You¡¯re going to die another nameless hero.¡± I shiver at my own insults.

    I check the perimeter to make sure no one is looking and then remove my shirt. I sink into the tub, still wearing my bathing suit.

    Heat. Bathe me in your malice and melt away my obstructions.

    I drip the water on my forehead.

    Something touches my foot.

    I turn to see that the Onzen is filled with fish. ¡°I hope I¡¯m not bothering you. I just need a moment here to clear my head.¡±

    The fish look at me curiously.

    If only I could communicate with them.

    My eyes open as the sound of water being displaced seizes my attention.

    ¡°Oh. Sorry. I uh¡­no idea this was occupied. I¡¯ll uh¡­I¡¯ll go,¡± says Harem D, lighting up like a juicy tomato.

    Those cheeks look so tender.

    ¡°Wait.¡± I stand up. ¡°I¡¯d like to talk with you.¡±

    ¡°Oh, okay. Well, then mister super hot guy. Umm, we can uhh, chat later.¡± She turns away.

    ¡°I want to talk to you now,¡± I say, adding just enough seduction to my voice.

    Harem D laughs awkwardly as she slides into the pool, in only her bra and bloomers. ¡°A is really jealous of my natural flotation devices but honestly I kinda wish my boobs were tiny.¡± She covers her face. ¡° Am I rambling? I¡¯m so sorry. I¡¯m such an idiot.¡±

    ¡°You¡¯re afraid.¡± I swim up to her gently. I rest one hand on her shoulder. ¡°You have nothing to fear from me.¡±

    ¡°You¡¯re so amazing and attractive. I¡¯m just a big mess.¡± She hides her boyish face under her hands.

    I move her hands from her face. ¡°What are you?¡±

    ¡°Huh?¡± Her eyes go wide and her lip quivers. ¡°Oh, I¡¯m vegetarian.¡±

    ¡°You are.¡±

    Vegetarians, those with good intention but improper wisdom. I must guide her.

    ¡°Yeah. One time, when I was in a forest, a Cuckatrice was being chased by a hunter. See their flesh is delicious so they uhh, get hunted a lot.¡±

    Is she drooling? Perhaps I was wrong about her. Maybe she is indeed unworthy.

    ¡°Well I took a couple arrows, but I saved the bird. When I returned home¡­they were eating bird flesh. It made me sick. And I had eaten birds all the time before. But I didn¡¯t think about them as birds. I just saw them as meat. That day I swore off all meat and became a vegetarian.¡±

    I embrace her. ¡°Few have the conviction to simply apply their morals. The past is over. You mustn¡¯t let guilt hold you back.¡±

    I never thought I¡¯d find a kindred spirit. She truly is a blessing.

    ¡°You¡¯re wrong,¡± she says as a whisper.

    I feel a dark energy overtake her.

    She looks up at me. ¡°I can¡¯t ever make amends! That¡¯s all a damn lie! The lives that were lost. The lives I took. There is no making up for it! We¡¯re all individuals. Benefiting the group does nothing to help those that are already dead. Redemption is a lie.¡± Tears of fury fill her eyes.

    Such conviction. My heart¡­it trembles.

    I pull away. ¡°Are you some sort of sorceress? An enchantress perhaps?¡±

    ¡°What are you saying.¡±

    ¡°You make me feel¡­something. I don¡¯t understand what you¡¯re doing to me, but please cease it.¡±

    ¡°My only power is destruction. I¡¯m a liability to everyone near me. If you feel something for me. If you really do, then please¡­if I hurt your hero¡­.¡±

    ¡°I¡¯ll slice off your head the moment I sense malice directed at him.¡±

    She hugs me and cries on my shoulder. ¡°Good. I can¡¯t bear to hurt someone who is so good. You¡¯re special. I¡­love you.¡± She pushes away and then laughs awkwardly. ¡°I am such a moron! I mean we just met and you¡¯re way too good for me. I look like a freaking boy and¡­¡±

    I silence her with a single finger. ¡°I¡¯m honored that you feel something for me. We have much in common. I too hurt those I love. I¡¯ve made so many sacrifices but each one, every single one, I use as motivation to complete my dharma. You are unworthy, but so am I. Perhaps us unworthy wretches can support one another.¡± I offer her my hand.

    She takes it then squeals like a bun bun.

    I¡¯m not alone, after all. This warmth¡­perhaps it too can be molded into a motivator.

    ¡°Hey! So I¡¯m like super hungry! Wanna get something to eat,¡± she asks with a bit of drool.

    ¡°Yeah, I¡¯ll cook something up.¡±

    ¡°You¡¯re a chef too? You¡¯re the perfect guy! I love cooking too! Would love to learn to cook lots of tasty vegan dishes. We should totally troll TomCat with like a huge buffet of vegan meats.¡±

    My hand moves to my chest.

    Be still my beating heart.

    ¡°I would love that.¡±

    ¡°Great! But first a snack!¡± Harem D shoves a fish into her mouth and swallows him. She then picks up another and bites off her head.

    Die.

    I cut my arm and form a sword, slicing her.

    How dare this human deceive me.

    ¡°Hero!¡± Runt shakes me awake. ¡°Just one and then they¡¯re done! Whoa, you¡¯ve got powers. Ummm something about a herooooo! Oh good, you¡¯re not dead?¡±

    ¡°Harem D is in danger! Gotta rescue her now!¡± I run off, leaving Runt behind.

    The OnZen is just past the clearing.

    My legs carry me as fast as they can. I show up to see Harem D, bleeding on the floor and Best Friend looming over her.

    Rather than stand in front in a pathetic attempt to block him, or lie on top of her which would get us both stabbed, I decide to rush Best Friend from behind and grab his arms.

    ¡°Stop! She¡¯s an ally.¡±

    ¡°You don¡¯t know what she did.¡± His voice is cold yet full of malice.

    ¡°I¡¯m sorry. I¡¯m so sorry.¡± She¡¯s on the ground, shielding herself and crying.

    ¡°It was just a misunderstanding. She¡¯s a pescatarian; not a vegetarian. Semantics, that¡¯s all,¡± I say.

    ¡°Do not defend this despicable traitor,¡± he forms another blood knife. ¡°All bigots deserve death. And she is just another bigot.¡±

    ¡°Yeah, but I love her!¡± I yell.

    Best Friend stops in place. ¡°What?¡±

    ¡°And she¡¯s a part of my harem! A harem I worked hard to gain. Killing her will destroy my dream! Are you really going to do that?¡±

    Best Friend hugs me. ¡°I¡¯m so sorry.¡± His voice is stifled with misery.

    My hair lifts her up. ¡°You! You made him cry! What the hell are you going to do about that? Better have a good answer. Cuz my hair is about to bust your skull open!¡±

    ¡°It¡¯s hard for me to control myself. I wasn¡¯t thinking.¡±

    I slam her to the ground. ¡°He¡¯s hurting! Stop with the excuses!¡±

    ¡°Don¡¯t hurt me anymore. It will turn out like it did the last time.¡±

    ¡°What are you talking about? What happened last time?¡±

    Harem D grabs her head. ¡°Ugh. Why can¡¯t I remember? What¡¯s wrong with me?¡±

    Best Friend puts a hand on my shoulder. ¡°Let¡¯s go.¡±

    I nod and we walk off together.

    ¡°I¡¯ve failed you. I¡¯m no longer worthy of being your friend.¡± He holds himself, trembling.

    I slug his shoulder and smirk. ¡°Dude, even if you murdered like a whole brothel of gorgeous women, you¡¯d still be my buddy. Nothing you do wrong could ever make me forget all we¡¯ve been through. You should get some rest.¡±

    ¡°Main, there¡¯s something you should know. Glasses Kid is dangerous.¡±

    ¡°Are you saying he¡¯s an enemy?¡±

    ¡°I honestly don¡¯t know what he is.¡±

    ¡°I have something to tell you too. There¡¯s a spy in my harem. I¡¯ve been trying to track her down.¡±

    ¡°Such focus even now.¡±

    ¡°Yeah. You want to make up for almost killing D, then talk down to me.¡±

    ¡°I¡­I can¡¯t do that.¡±

    ¡°Yes, you can. I know you¡¯re upset with me! Let it out! It¡¯s your punishment, it¡¯s for the sake of our friendship and I need it to find out what Glasses Kid is doing.¡±

    Best Friend nods. ¡°At times you let mundane desires blind you from what truly matters. You often act¡­selfishly and¡­¡± He cringes.

    I nod.

    ¡°And¡­you don¡¯t understand your responsibility. Despite the fanfare, you¡¯re no hero¡­not yet. You¡¯re just a scared child¡­and I¡¯m your guide who has failed you.¡±

    ¡°We¡¯ve both failed each other. But that forced drama mini-arc is over. After this, our bond will be stronger than ever.¡± I close my eyes and release my point of view.

 Time To Get Laid

    Things only got more complicated after I found what I was looking for. My dual duties are starting to get in the way of one another, but I¡¯ve dabbled in creative writing. Finding alternative routes is one of the most important skills.

    ¡°You¡¯re thinking about stuff, right?¡± asks Fruity. ¡°Your eyes lose focus when your mind wanders.¡±

    I look up at Fruity, the two of us are lying in bed together inside my tent. ¡°Please don¡¯t interrupt me when I¡¯m thinking.¡± I pop a chocolate bit in her mouth, well technically the name is cocalis but chocolate sounds more exotic.

    ¡°Mmm. I¡¯ll stop talking.¡±

    ¡°No need. I¡¯ll just continue my inquiry out loud.¡± I roll off her and reach inside my infinity satchel. ¡°Best Friend¡¯s aggression towards me is gradually growing. While I do think premeditated murder is a very slim possibility, the chances of him accidentally cutting me open in a sudden fit of aggression are at a constant rise.¡±

    ¡°Maybe you should butter him up.¡±

    ¡°Only if it¡¯s coconut butter! Get it, because he¡¯s Vegan.¡± My eyes go wide as I turn to her.

    Fruity gets up, fixing her hair. ¡°Wow¡­that was¡­so funny. Okay like seriously I don¡¯t even know what a coconut is. Is that like a hair fruit?¡±

    ¡°Yeah but with a white liquid inside.¡±

    ¡°I can solve your problem with Best Friend like no prob.¡±

    I grab her hand and stand on my tippy toes. ¡°That¡¯s amazing!¡±

    ¡°Umm, aren¡¯t you going to ask me how?¡±

    ¡°No time.¡± I show her my Epad device. ¡°See that dot? Harem H left her tent and she¡¯s been in the same spot for nearly an hour.

    ¡°Okay, and that matters because?¡±

    ¡°Well.¡± I pull out my little helper.

    ¡°There¡¯s a spy among Harem,¡± says my amphibian helper in Main¡¯s voice.

    Fruity pets our little Psyren Frog companion. ¡°Nice work. So, any idea who it is?¡±

    ¡°Not important. What matters is who they are spying for. I¡¯d review the possible candidates but really, I have to investigate before H returns.¡±

    Fruity rubs my head. ¡°Don¡¯t get hurt, lil bro. I remember when you scraped your knee and you whined for hours.¡±

    ¡°Oh, you do remember that? I¡¯m happy to hear that.¡±

    Looks like I¡¯m quickly becoming her most cherished person.

    I leave the tent and follow my Epad.

    The lighting in the forest changes as I near the destination. GlassCaidas are lined up along the trees. Harem H has several in her hands, and is rearranging them.

    ¡°Um, why are you holding a grenade?¡± I ask.

    H panics and drops the bugs.

    ¡°Ha! Did you actually see a grenade? Wow, you must be under extreme psychedelic influence.¡±

    ¡°You tricked me.¡± The mushrooms on her body light up. ¡°You¡¯re so funny!¡± She laughs uncontrollably.

    I join in but it drones on too long. ¡°Okay, so what is it you¡¯re doing here exactly?¡±

    ¡°Shhh! I¡¯m writing a very important message.¡± She places another bug on a tree branch but it flies off. ¡°Why are the lightbulbs flying?¡±

    Wow this girl is weird, but I¡¯ve seen stranger things. Ha! I¡¯m so clever!

    ¡°Who is the love letter for?¡± I ask, tugging on a vine.

    The vine pulls on her leg and makes her fall off the tree.

    ¡°Have we met in a different life?¡± she asks, holding her head.

    Basic communication with her is a challenge. But there is no non-physical challenge this scholar can¡¯t surpass.

    ¡°Whoa. Look, the colors are joining. It¡¯s like a rainbow river. You ever tasted a rainbow river before?¡± she asks a log, rather than me who standing directly in front of her.

    I look out at the bugs. ¡°You sure your boss will like this message? It doesn¡¯t even make sense.¡±

    ¡°This is a message to the universe. It will only make sense when the stars are grinding each other.¡±

    Okay¡­I¡¯ve met my match. Simpletons are easy, morons are a joke, but the inebriated lack any logic. Or maybe the logic comes in small bursts. Deception won¡¯t work with her. She is too attuned. Honesty isn¡¯t a weapon I¡¯m accustomed to, but perhaps if I use it sparingly, I can gain an advantage. Let¡¯s turn these lie bullets into truth!

    ¡°I¡¯m not here for Main,¡± I say, taking a bug from her hand and placing it in a random spot.

    ¡°Who¡¯s that? The hero?¡±

    ¡°Yeah.¡±

    ¡°His aura is like a fruit bowl. I must devour it.¡± She licks her arm while her eyes spin.

    ¡°What about my aura? Does it tell you I¡¯m in love with you?¡±

    She bends down and kisses me.

    Bad idea. Her toxins are entering me. Damn, my mind is getting loopy.

    She breaks the kiss and places the trail of drool on her forehead. ¡°You don¡¯t taste like a tsunami of passionate fire.¡±

    Tsunamis are made of water! Urgh! I don¡¯t know how much more of her I can take! But without the ability to threaten or blackmail, a false bond is my only option.

    She looks me over and touches me everywhere.

    ¡°What are you doing?¡± I ask, shivering from the unwarranted and nonconsenting physical contact.

    ¡°You think¡­like a lot.¡± She stares at my forehead. ¡°Gotta open up the window.¡±

    ¡°No thank you. My third eye is something that I choose to keep closed. Don¡¯t want akashic knowledge flowing in from an unreliable Source.¡±

    ¡°Unwind your mind.¡± She lifts her shirt, showing a number of glowing mushrooms on her full glowing breasts.

    I¡¯ll add motorboating those fat puppies to my internal quest log.

    Her vines hold me in place.

    ¡°You don¡¯t want to make an enemy of me.¡±

    ¡°We¡¯re all friends in the primal soup of love.¡± She picks a shroom off her boob and thrusts her arm down my throat. ¡°No thoughts. No worries. Ride the inner tube to nirvana.¡±

    My mind goes blank.

    I open my eyes.

    ¡°What did you discover?¡±

    ¡°Glasses Kid got kissed by H before I did! He¡¯s trying to steal my harem!¡± I yell, my hair picking up a rock and grinding it against the ground.

    ¡°I expected he¡¯d go after C first. But perhaps he seeks a challenge. No. This is more than an ego trip. She must have something he wants.¡±

    ¡°Well there¡¯s a chance she¡¯s going to kill him. We should go to rescue him just in case.¡±

    Best Friend lets go of my hand. ¡°I¡¯ll investigate on my own. You need to get prepared. You want to have sex with your harem. Best act now.¡±

    ¡°Wait, you¡¯ll let me?¡±

    ¡°Sixteen is of legal age in Punk. But the brothel is still off limits until your twenty-one.¡±

    He knows I¡¯m only four because of the leap year and yet he¡¯s ignoring that. Maybe he thinks I can uncover the traitor by getting them all naked. Not a bad plan. Sex is now vital to completing the optional quest Flam gave me!

    ¡°Do you think I deserve Harem?¡± I ask.

    ¡°You reunited Banana Man with his daughter. You should be proud of that.¡±

    ¡°I am. Yeah, I earned it with my awesome awesomeness!¡±

    ¡°The brick doesn¡¯t fall far from the construction site. I¡¯m incredibly proud of you,¡± says Best Friend from behind.

    Ah! I can feel his warm hands on my shoulders. This is heaven!

    Stalker walks right up to us, clearly not sensing the mood. She joins in the hug, spoiling it. ¡°I¡¯m sorry Main. You almost died because I got captured. I¡¯m so sorry!¡±

    ¡°Look, that¡¯s what friends are for. But could you butt out. We¡¯re having a moment,¡± I say to her sternly.

    ¡°Oh.¡± She backs away, finally giving us some space.

    ¡°No time to waste.¡± Best Friend breaks the hug.

    Alright. Time to round up Harem.

    I run off.

    ¡°Hey, why are you running?¡± asks Runt, suddenly on my shoulders.

    ¡°How did you get there? Forget it. It doesn¡¯t matter. I need to find out who the traitor is. Preferably before we have sex, in case they try to kill me while my pants are down,¡± I say, looking up at Runt.

    ¡°Okay. I¡¯ll help you.¡±

    ¡°Harem B is psychotic and violent which means if she is a spy, she¡¯s not very good at hiding it. Even so if she wanted me dead, she could have killed me when she was in my bed.¡±

    ¡°The spy wants to kill you? Wait, didn¡¯t you say they already killed everyone.¡±

    ¡°Oh crap. That¡¯s true. I don¡¯t even know what they are after. That makes this harder. Harem A said something about serving the Big Blue. That probably meant the ocean, but what if it¡¯s an enemy faction. C legit wants to kill me so she¡¯s my current pick as most likely to be the traitor. And D is hiding something. I could sense it when Best Friend was talking to her. That only leaves H. For all I know she kidnapped Glasses Kid.¡±

    ¡°So what¡¯s the plan.¡±

    ¡°Get laid before I die. That¡¯s pretty much it.¡±

    I¡¯m so excited! It doesn¡¯t matter which one I choose? They are my harem so they have to do what I say. I¡¯m going to have sex with the first girl I see!

    ¡°Hey!¡± Stalker pops out from behind a tree.

    ¡°Oh, uh hi.¡±

    She grins at me and raises her eyebrows.

    ¡°Um, is everything okay?¡± I ask, taking a step back.

    ¡°You see me, right?¡± She leaps into my arms and starts kissing my neck.

    ¡°Hey! Don¡¯t look into my mind.¡±

    ¡°Why not?¡± she asks, opening her hero book and pointing at the word ¡°sex¡±.

    ¡°If you know everything I¡¯m thinking, then we¡¯ll have nothing to talk about,¡± I say desperately, setting her down.

    Stalker shuts her book and looks up at me. She stares.

    I lean over. ¡°You okay?¡±

    She jumps up into a kiss and starts rubbing my chest with her tail.

    Where did she learn to move like this? I can¡¯t believe she just made my nipples hard. Am I a bad person?

    She peeks at her journal while liking her finger. ¡°Don¡¯t worry about the small stuff. I¡¯m going to take a long shower. I¡¯ve never had sex before. What¡¯s it like? Is it anything like fireworks?¡± asks Stalker with glimmering eyes.

    Is she feigning innocence? No way. She knows I like girls with experience. She¡¯s being genuine which means I at least owe her an answer.

    ¡°It¡¯s like fireworks, a massage and coconut butter all in one¡­is what my Best Friend said.¡±

    Wait. Who did he have sex with?

    ¡°I love all those things! Cuddling is my favorite physical activity,¡± says Stalker, nuzzling her hands.

    ¡°Hold up, we¡¯re not having sex just because of the title,¡± I say sternly.

    ¡°Of course not. It¡¯s destiny, isn¡¯t it? You saved the princess. So now you¡¯re going to get your reward?¡± says Stalker, lifting her skirt.

    My hair pulls her skirt back down.

    ¡°Listen Stalker, I have a harem. That means I¡¯m doomed to be a virgin until I pick one. I¡¯m sorry. It¡¯s the rules,¡± I say, patting her on the head.This novel''s true home is a different platform. Support the author by finding it there.

    Although I¡¯m definitely shooting for the orgy route. Since this isn¡¯t an anime, I should be in luck.

    ¡°You don¡¯t love me at all!¡± Stalker runs off in tears.

    Oh yeah, I rock. I just got out of sleeping with my¡­soon to be friend. The gods of friendship must be so proud.

    ¡°I know I am,¡± says Flam.

    ¡°Don¡¯t you dare try and get in the way of this because you¡¯re jealous. I¡¯m only four years old, you damn creep! How old are you anyways?¡±

    ¡°You should never ask a maiden her age.¡±

    ¡°Yeah. I know that, Grella. I just don¡¯t care.¡±

    ¡°If you must know I drank the elixir of eternal denial, so I¡¯m forever twenty-one! Oh ho, I am so clever,¡± says Flam with a chuckle.

    ¡°No, you are not. Why are you here now? I was hoping the two of us could brainstorm to uncover the traitor. I actually have a lot of questions.¡±

    ¡°You¡¯re more than capable of discovering them. Now, I¡¯d like to try and salvage our last meeting. When can I expect Stalker to be delivered?¡± asks Flam nonchalantly.

    ¡°I¡¯m not going to mail her to you. If you want her, why don¡¯t you get off your lazy ass and order one of your men to fetch her?¡± I ask, starting to get frustrated.

    ¡°No need to get rude. And F.Y.I. my ass exercises just as much as every other part of my body. General Mew Nyah, go fetch her for me,¡± says Flam.

    ¡°Wait, didn¡¯t he die?¡± I ask in disbelief.

    ¡°No that was General Mew Nya who died, this is General Mew Nyah with an h,¡± explained Flam.

    ¡°Why would you give him such a similar name?¡± I ask confused.

    ¡°Why to fool my enemies into believing my generals rise from the dead of course. But I just can¡¯t trick you. It would be too easy. Fufufu.¡±

    ¡°You¡¯re being sarcastic. I get it. Look Flam. I won¡¯t take any detours next time. Once you catch Stalker, I¡¯ll be sure to rescue her A.S.A.P., as soon as awesomeness permits,¡± I say confidently.

    I¡¯m so clever with alliterations.

    ¡°I¡¯ll go get dressed. Toodles,¡± says Flam before leaving my mind.

    I¡¯m not actually going to let him capture Stalker. Repeated storylines get chewed out by viewers. I just want to beat him already so I can get a better villain. But he¡¯s way too strong for me as I am now. I mean I got beat by my rival. Wait a second¡­that always happens at first. This only means I will surpass him next season.

    ¡°You rock Main!¡± I exclaim, cheering myself on.

    Stalker pops up out of the bushes. Her hair is shiny. ¡°I¡¯m all washed up and ready for fun!¡±

    ¡°If it wasn¡¯t clear enough already. I¡¯m not having sex with you. Now, what were you and C talking about? Is she going to try and kill me?¡±

    Stalker glares at me. ¡°If you want more information, you¡¯re going to have to pound it out of me!¡±

    ¡°Hey, this could be life or death here!¡±

    ¡°Whose to say it isn¡¯t for me!¡±

    ¡°Even if it was. I¡¯m not doing that. It¡¯s disgusting.¡±

    ¡°My body is not disgusting, you jerk! You know what¡­I rounded up Harem for you. They¡¯re all on their way now. Let¡¯s get a quickie in before they show up.¡±

    ¡°The answer is no no no! You can check your book, Darbie the way too young.¡±

    ¡°If you go in there, one of them may try to kill you! I¡¯ve already lost so many heroes.¡±

    ¡°And none of them had sex with you before they died. That¡¯s because they weren¡¯t pedophiles or creeps looking for an easy screw!¡±

    ¡°Wrong again, jerk. Racheal loved me; we just took it slow. Too slow. I¡¯m not letting that happen again.¡± She suddenly grows wings and slams into me.

    ¡°You don¡¯t want me!¡±

    ¡°Oh yes I do!¡± She pulls at my shirt. ¡°You saved me so you¡¯re mine.¡±

    ¡°I didn¡¯t save you!¡± I tear the book from her hand. With plot convenience logic, I open it to the exact right page.

    Her eyes shrink in disbelief.

    ¡°I stayed for Harem rather than save you! I don¡¯t deserve to make love to you!¡± I yell, standing up.

    I don¡¯t even deserve to have you as a friend.

    ¡°Hero, are you alright?¡± asks Harem, already synchronized somehow.

    ¡°You didn¡¯t come to save me immediately because of this?¡± asks Stalker, pointing at Harem in tears.

    Better to break her heart than get forced into a bad situation.

    I slap the button on my wrist. ¡°No, this, this, this, this and this is why I didn¡¯t come to save you,¡± I say, pointing to each member of my harem.

    ¡°Yay I¡¯m it!¡± yelled Harem A before running off.

    ¡°No man shall ever refer to me as ¡®this¡¯!¡± yells Harem B, drawing her weapon.

    ¡°He referred to me in the third person!¡± gasps Harem C.

    ¡°I haven¡¯t felt this special since I was lit on fire,¡± says Harem H.

    ¡°I have a name!¡± yells Harem D, punching my head out of the way of B¡¯s sword attack.

    I slam into a tree, holding my side in pain.

    Stalker approaches me, dangles drool over the injury and then slurps it up.

    ¡°Hey, what gives? It¡¯s your job to heal me.¡±

    ¡°Being promised a harem is the only reason why you agreed to save my village in the first place. I hadn¡¯t forgotten. I was just hoping that after all we¡¯ve been through maybe you had changed your mind,¡± says Stalker on the verge of tears.

    Kids can be so na?ve.

    ¡°Characters that the Main Character beats the shit out of change their mind and join his team. His incredible stubborn charisma is unparallel! The Main Character changes the world, not his mind,¡± I explain, standing firm despite the pain.

    Stalker now burst into tears. ¡°All you care about is your harem fantasy.¡±

    ¡°Whew, I¡¯m glad we sorted that out. But listen¡­I have to pick one before I can get any sex. I was hoping you could pick for me,¡± I say, my palms already sweaty from excitement.

    If I let her choose, maybe I can still salvage our potential friendship.

    ¡°Alright, this girl right here. I love you more than all of them combined!¡± yells Stalker.

    ¡°Tag!¡± yells Harem A, accidently knocking Stalker down.

    ¡°My love for Main is indescribable like¡­a torture chamber!¡± exclaims Harem B.

    ¡°I don¡¯t love him enough to openly admit it,¡± says Harem C with a deep blush.

    ¡°My love for him moves mountains into rainbows!¡± exclaims Harem H with an orgasmic face.

    ¡°I don¡¯t love him!¡± declares Harem D rushing to punch me in the face again.

    Best Friend stands in her path, destroying her tsundere rage with a single terrifying glance.

    ¡°Enough of this. I feared for this outcome. Main is unable to make such an important decision. There is only one option. Main, unify them,¡± says Best Friend.

    Of course! Best Friend is so clever.

    ¡°Harem, if I can only choose one of you¡­I choose Harem!¡± I exclaim, unifying them all into a single entity and thus not picking any of them above the others. ¡°Now, meet me in my tent for sex!¡±

    ¡°Sure thing, master!¡± exclaims Harem, doing exactly as I instructed.

    And with this I have mastered the genre of harem. Next up is Hentai! I wonder what awesome power I¡¯ll get from that. Maybe tentacles! Oh yeah. I¡¯m not just going to be the hero. I¡¯m going to become a final boss!

    ¡°Harem A is a kid too.¡±

    ¡°Yeah, but ignoring the loli in a harem is a dick move.¡±

    ¡°You¡¯re the dick. Fine. Go have sex with your stupid harem who only loves you becaue it¡¯s their job. I might as well just get captured again. I doubt you¡¯ll even bother rescuing me,¡± says Stalker in tears.

    Glasses Kid approaches Stalker. He looks neutralized. His head is drooping and his eyes have no confidence. ¡°Forget about that child. Why don¡¯t we just walk away from this bad scenario?¡± offers Glasses Kid, freshening his breath.

    ¡°I just want to be alone right now,¡± says Stalker as my harem excitedly enters the tent. She ran off into the bushes; hopefully she¡¯ll get injured so I can help her and we can get our much-needed friendship bonding scene.

    Best friend exits the tent with a drop of blood on each of his fingertips. He tastes them and smiles.

    ¡°They¡¯re all virgins. It¡¯s safe. Now be careful not to fall and don¡¯t over exert yourself. Don¡¯t let them shove any sharp objects into you. I don¡¯t have any lube, but I made this stick of coconut butter when I went to rescue Glasses Kid. Oh and¡­don¡¯t get any of them pregnant,¡± says Best Friend, fixing up my hair.

    ¡°Not even one,¡± I pout.

    ¡°You really want an ungrateful Uzamiki child?¡± asks Best Friend, taking out a piece of plastic. ¡°This will keep you safe from getting your legacy poisoned.¡±

    ¡°How?¡±

    ¡°It makes you infertile temporarily.¡±

    ¡°You¡¯re not going to let me do this without it, are you?¡±

    ¡°Nope,¡± says Best Friend.

    ¡°Ugh. Fine.¡± I took it from his hands and plop it in my mouth. ¡°This is really hard to chew,¡± I say before swallowing it.

    ¡°Go get ¡®em. Make me proud,¡± says Best Friend, patting me on the shoulder.

    ¡°Haha! You actually fell for it!¡± exclaims Glasses Kid.

    ¡°Did you just trick me into poisoning him?¡± asks Best Friend, trembling.

    ¡°No. You just fed him a condom. Haha! You¡¯re really gullible. Condoms aren¡¯t birth control pills, you ignorant virgins!¡± yells Glasses Kid.

    ¡°No duh! Guys can¡¯t get pregnant, smartass!¡± I yell as I take off my clothes.

    ¡°He¡¯s lying. That strawberry flavored condom will keep them from getting pregnant. No worries.¡± Best Friend beams at me. ¡°You¡¯ve grown up into such a strong young man,¡± he says on the verge of tears.

    ¡°Yeah. Time to put that strength to good use.¡± I take off my pants and enter the battlefield.

    Alright I¡¯m nearly naked and I¡¯ve got a whole stick of coconut butter. I¡¯m sure they¡¯ll know exactly what to do. Hey now that I¡¯ve picked them all, it¡¯s time I split them up? After all. if I wanted sex with a girl who never complains about anything, I¡¯d pick Boobs. Sex is awesome only if it¡¯s with a real willing girl. And I got five of them!

    ¡°A, B, C, D, H, are you ready for cold hard hot juicy crunchy steamy delicious bitter mild melty sex?¡± I ask in a seductive voice, using every food adjective I could think of.

    ¡°You forgot umame!¡± yells Glasses Kid from outside.

    ¡°Is it lunch time already! The Legacyiathan hungers!¡± exclaims Harem A excitedly, eating my stick of butter as if she was a squirrel.

    ¡°I¡¯ve been ready since I tasted your blood,¡± says Harem B, clawing at my chest.

    ¡°Oh, so many adjectives¡­I don¡¯t know if I can manage,¡± says Harem C, hiding her face under a pillow.

    ¡°I¡¯m ready for spicy sex! Drown me in condiments,¡± says Harem H as she poured hot sauce all over her face.

    ¡°You¡¯re the last person in the world I¡¯d ever have sex with!¡± yells Harem D angrily while covering her nosebleed.

    Wait, if I do them all at once¡­is that possible? I¡¯ve only seen ecchi shows so I don¡¯t know what sex is. If only Best Friend had let me watch Hentai, then I wouldn¡¯t have to wing it.

    ¡°Um, why are you all nakey?¡± asks Harem A, poking at my butt.

    ¡°Aren¡¯t I supposed to be?¡± I ask confused.

    ¡°Foolish mortal! You¡¯re supposed to get nakey for bath time, not lunch time,¡± says Harem A.

    ¡°I see you are new at this. Don¡¯t worry, put on your clothes and we can get started, my secret passion,¡± says Harem B, liking her hands.

    ¡°Wait, my clothes need to be on!? Best Friend says sex was like a massage and when he gives me a massage we are both completely naked!¡± I yell as I put on my underwear.

    ¡°Naughty boy,¡± says Harem C, wiggling her hips.

    ¡°Yaoi is overrated,¡± yells Harem D, while grinding against the lamp.

    ¡°Just close your eyes, think bouncy thoughts and scream,¡± says Harem H.

    Well she has the biggest breasts, so she must know what she¡¯s talking about.

    I closed my eyes, took a deep breath and then screamed like a howler monkey.

    Harem H made provocative uh sounds.

    Harem A joined in, howling like a rooster that was drowning.

    ¡°That¡¯s it, my boy! Just keep drilling like a construction worker,¡± says Best Friend, his voice cracking with parental pride.

    ¡°I had no idea females had such bizarre mating calls,¡± says Glasses Kid from outside.

    ¡°Stop! His flesh is mine!¡± yells Harem B, knocking Harem H aside with the back of her cleaver.

    ¡°You can¡¯t stop us. No barrier in the cosmos can separate us now. Ah yes¡­I came!¡± exclaims Harem H, her whole face oozing purple liquid.

    ¡°That sounds good. Does that mean I¡¯m doing a good job?¡± I ask before I transition through all the different farm animal noises I can think of.

    Wow, this really is better than a bar of soap. This is incredible.

    Harem B gets on top of me, cutting open her shirt and revealing her snowy breasts and soft pink nipples. ¡°My sheathe¡­let us carve our most phantasmal fantasies on our bare bodies!¡±

    ¡°Wait, he doesn¡¯t have to die,¡± says Harem C, politely poking B.

    ¡°Death is just a new beginning,¡± says Harem B with a twisted grin. She wraps her arms and legs around mine.

    ¡°We don¡¯t really have to do this,¡± says D, holding herself.

    ¡°There¡¯s no need to be afraid,¡± I say.

    ¡°I¡¯m definitely not afraid!¡±

    ¡°Lust is just another aspect of love. It is the spice on the spaghetti that is love!¡± I exclaim while B bites into my shoulder.

    ¡°Fine! I love pasta so I¡¯ll give it a try! I¡¯m not losing to my team, that¡¯s for sure! I¡¯m better than all of them! Sure, I¡¯m a bitch on the outside, but on the inside I¡¯m super nice. I¡¯m really deep. Speaking of deep, the hero¡¯s ass is going to be mine. Alright, hero¡­enough fore-playing around! They have no idea what they¡¯re doing. You need to be in your underwear for sex,¡± says Harem D, taking of her shirt.

    Wow, I¡¯m seeing the nice side of her so early. And it looks very nice. Pink bra and those lovely pink and frilly boxers.

    Harem D rips Harem B off of me and tosses her aside.

    ¡°Alright now make an outline along the edges of my bra and think about beating up perverts,¡± she says with a maniacal grin.

    My finger touches hers and side by side we ride along the edges of her lingerie.

    ¡°That¡¯s it! Faster!¡± she exclaims, getting all hot and bothered.

    Wow, this is like ecchi sketch but on a woman. This is¡­wow!

    ¡°This isn¡¯t delicious at all,¡± says Harem A, crossing her arms.

    ¡°Girls, this isn¡¯t a theme park; there¡¯s no line. And there¡¯s no do not touch sign anywhere on my body,¡± I say, ready for everything.

    ¡°Tickle time!¡± exclaims Harem A, licking my foot.

    Harem H closes her eyes and continues to scream as she rolls on the floor.

    ¡°A warrior must be prepared for death at any moment. If I am to be prepared¡­I can¡¯t be a v¡­virgin! Take me!¡± exclaims Harem B, thrusting her weapon into my hands.

    ¡°Um, what do I do with this?¡± I ask, looking at its sharp edge with worry.

    ¡°Thrust it into me,¡± she says, running my hand across her neck.

    ¡°Okay¡­I¡¯m pretty sure that¡¯s murder, not sex,¡± I say, gently setting the dangerous item down.

    ¡°No friend hurting allowed. If you want though, you can whip me.¡± Harem C hands me her whip.

    ¡°Ummm, I know I¡¯m white, but I do not approve of slavery. I even posted a video about my overwhelming white guilt.¡±

    ¡°I¡¯m sorry. I¡¯m just so modest and I don¡¯t know how else to make you happy. Please, just whip me a bit. I am your worthless servant!¡± she exclaims, exposing her bare back to me.

    Go down, boner! I, Deo, command thee. As a warrior of social justice, self-deprecating females must not arouse me!

    I pull out my extra coconut butter bar and harshly lash it against Harem C¡¯s back.

    ¡°Yes, that¡¯s it! When you do it, it feels so gentle,¡± she says in adoration.

    Well, it is butter.

    ¡°You all lose, his virginity is mine to destroy!¡± Harem D pulls me off the bed and onto my feet. She then trips my legs, causing me to fall face first into her panties.

    No way. She¡¯s initiating the circumstantial ecchi fall. This girl is a legend.

    D grabs me with both legs and rubs me against it while yelling pervert.

    So sex is like suffocation? No, I can¡¯t die here. This won¡¯t be my grave! I don¡¯t care if it is comfy. Hey, she has something pointy. Dang, does she always have a cucumber in her? That¡¯s hardcore. Wait up. One of them may try to kill me and make it look like an accident.

    I broke free of her legs and got up.

    ¡°There was no lunch, after all! You¡¯ve deceived me, mortal. But I¡¯m in a good mood, so I will reward your skill. If you want sex, then let¡¯s do it,¡± says Harem A.

    ¡°Wait, you¡¯re just a kid,¡± I say nervously.

    ¡°Time is my bitch. Bend over, little boy,¡± says Harem A with swirly eyes.

    These girls seem as clueless as I am when it comes to sex. There¡¯s something I have to make sure of.

    ¡°Will all of you excuse me for a bit? Just have fun with each-other while I¡¯m gone. You know, like a platonic lesbian orgy.¡± I smile awkwardly and rush to the exit of the tent.

    ¡°Yay fun!¡± exclaims Harem A, kissing B.

    ¡°No my lips bleed only for him!¡± yells B.

    ¡°My back is all smooth now,¡± says Harem C in utter bliss.

    ¡°So um¡­how was it? It was my first time too,¡± says Harem D shyly, stepping in my path.

    ¡°It doesn¡¯t matter where you are. We can orgasm together even if we are planets away,¡± says Harem H, screaming silently.

    ¡°Yeah, I just need to go check on something,¡± I say, sneaking out of the tent.

    Glasses kid was peeking through a hole he had made. He was taking notes with remarkable speed.

    ¡°Hey, where¡¯s Best Friend? I wanted to ask him something,¡± I say confidently.

    ¡°Oh, he ran off in tears,¡± says Glasses Kid.

    Does that mean he wants my virginity. No? Must have been something else.

    ¡°Well I was just wondering¡­is sex with clothes on or off?¡± I ask.

    ¡°Elementary! As long as both genitalia are exposed and they make contact, it matters not!¡± exclaims Glasses Kid as he fixed his glasses.

    ¡°Okay. What does that mean?¡± I ask again.

    ¡°Take them off. Both¡­all of you should be absolutely naked,¡± explains Glasses Kid.

    I knew it!

    ¡°Thanks, enjoy the show,¡± I smile.

    ¡°It is most fascinating. Mating rituals must be very different on this planet,¡± says Glasses kid in awe.

    I rushed back into the tent.

    ¡°Everyone, take off your clothes!¡± I exclaim, taking off my booty shorts.

    ¡°Bath time has finally descended upon us!¡± exclaims Harem A, stripping out of her swimsuit with the goofy shark on the crotch.

    Why does she have a¡­?

    The lights go out.

    I feel a breath on my neck.

    ¡°It¡¯s more fun in the dark,¡± says Harem D, nibbling my ear and giggling.

    ¡°Yeah, but I¡¯m afraid of the dark.¡±

    I¡¯m not really, but I want to check if I saw what I thought I saw.

    ¡°Only those without imagination fear the dark!¡± she exclaims, slamming my face into her natural pillows.

    Wait. Who turned off the light? It must be the traitor. Damn it, I should have been paying attention.

    ¡°Take off your clothes¡­all of you! That¡¯s a command from your hero!¡± I yell.

    The room falls silent.

    ¡°Just do it! It doesn¡¯t matter,¡± says Harem D, removing her bra and covering my face with it.

    This kind of abuse I can get behind.

    ¡°If it is for you, I would cleave off my skin,¡± yells Harem B, only taking off her clothes thankfully.

    ¡°Modesty and fear are the same. I¡¯m terrified, but I won¡¯t disobey,¡± says Harem C, her clothes falling to the ground at once.

    ¡°If you want to see me naked, close your eyes and give me any body you feel like,¡± says Harem H as she took it all off.

    ¡°Yes, follow my sacred teachings, tadpoles!¡± exclaims Harem A.

    ¡°You¡¯re a damn pervert!¡± yells Harem D, shoving her panties right in my face before punching me.

    Alright, I don¡¯t know what comes next, but I know it¡¯s going to be awesome. I may die from a nosebleed but it¡¯s going to be worth it.

    My hair pushes the light switch.

    I took the panties off my face and gazed at the beauty of their naked bodies.

    I knew it! Harem A has a penis. Wow, a loli and a trap all in one. My harem is awesome. And she¡¯s the immortal kind of loli that Pyro Emblem gamers wank off to, so I Boku no Pican ride that bike. Let¡¯s see what other eye candy there is for me to enjoy. Maybe some sexy tatoos! No¡­no¡­no. Why do they all have penises! And they are proportional to their breasts.

    ¡°Impressed?¡± asks A, holding her tiny fishing rod like it was something legendary.

    ¡°You¡­saw it¡­¡± Harem B wobbles in place with tears in her eyes. ¡°I didn¡¯t want to kill you.¡±

    ¡°I know it¡¯s disgusting. Please insult me or else I¡¯ll get scared,¡± says C, shivering.

    H looked like a Monsuta Hunta cuz she was wielding one hell of a great sword!

    ¡°It grows in proportion to my desire to penetrate,¡± she says with wide eyes.

    Wait, that¡¯s not all of them. D, the girl of my dreams, she¡¯s right behind me.

    Her arms wrap around my neck and she begins to choke me.

    ¡°Damn it! Another dead hero,¡± she says. ¡°Why do I always have to take responsibility?¡±

    Getting choked to death by a hot tsundere tomboy is an excellent way to go. But if that tomboy is actually a trap. Wait, a tomboy trap, but tomboys are traps, or they usually are. My head feels like it¡¯s going to explode. If I die now, I can pretend it¡¯s from a girl. No! I¡¯m still a virgin! I have to get laid by a girl.

    I turn around in her grip and stare down.

    With that doozy of a cliffhanger, you don¡¯t need to see the sneak peek. Pray with me that she¡¯s not the Spring Wars kinda trap.

 Episode 11: My Grave

    Episode 11: Part 1

    Great! Just look at the title! That¡¯s one hell of a death flag. This is so unfair. I can¡¯t let it end this way. I pray to the god of retcon, Hirohiro Araki, that I can salvage this scenario. Let me just take a deep breath and feel my surroundings.

    Oh no. I feel something hard pressed against my butt.

    Ok. No worries. I won¡¯t turn around this time. Instead I have my hair travel up those thic thighs and touch her¡­.

    No way. Okay. Please be a cucumber!

    I turn around, noticing her lovely pubes which accentuated her¡­god damn it! She has a dick too!

    Harem D looks into my eyes and cries. ¡°I didn¡¯t ask to be born this way.¡±

    Before the super hateful SJWs, who watch my show only so they can demonize it, have a tissy fit¡­I¡¯d like to make something very clear. I¡¯m not against traps or trans or any of those gender identity thingies. I¡¯m in shock, okay? One trap in a harem is fun, but I was expecting a harem full of girls. I put my life on the line for pussy only to get slapped in the face by the harsh cock of reality.

    I struggle to escape Harem D¡¯s iron grip on my throat, feeling killing intent close in on me from behind- likely from Harem B. Our dicks accidentally touch which makes her face flare up in embarrassment.

    Why am I saying her instead of him? Because that trap obviously identifies as a girl who likes to wear boyish clothes and do boyish things. Plus, if you keep saying a lie, it eventually becomes the truth. Just look at the One Man¡¯s Lie video game.

    I took advantage of her uncharacteristic moment of weakness and rush forward. My hair tears a hole in the back of the tent, allowing me to escape. It puts on my clothes and then wraps around my legs, increasing my speed exponentially.

    My harem dreams are crushed and now I have to run for my life from two or more strong female leads who want me dead!

    My legs carry me through the forest. I finally look back, thankfully seeing none of them behind me.

    I¡¯ve never felt so deceived in my life. Old Dude is going to pay. Come to think of it he always had a dumb smirk whenever I asked him about my harem.

    Someone drops down on me from above.

    My hair shoots out on instinct but loses its focus when something slams into my back.

    ¡°That was hilarious!¡± exclaims Rival, slamming his palm on my back.

    ¡°You! You¡¯re not behind this at all, but I¡¯m still going to take my anger and disappointment out on you!¡± I yell, hoisting him up with my hair.

    ¡°Relax. I just came here to laugh in your face.¡± He points at and laughs for about twenty seconds. ¡°So just so we¡¯re clear, you¡¯re no longer interested in your harem. Cuz I gotta say, Harem A is quite the catch,¡± he says with a pedo grin.

    ¡°She¡¯s a boy! They¡¯re all men!¡± I exclaim.

    ¡°No duh, ding dong.¡±

    ¡°Don¡¯t mention dongs of any kind right now.¡±

    ¡°You¡¯re still a kid. You don¡¯t appreciate the splendor of traps.¡±

    ¡°I wanted girls! If I wanted traps, I would have asked for them.¡±

    ¡°Come on, they all have breasts. I thought you had a boob fetish or something,¡± says Rival, scratching his head.

    ¡°Glasses Kid calls it a complex. It¡¯s¡­complicated. I call it a fixation. I¡¯m going to punch Old Dude in the face,¡± I say, tossing Rival aside.

    ¡°Go ahead.¡± Rival hops to his feet. ¡°Thanks by the way. If you didn¡¯t break Stalkers little squishy heart, I wouldn¡¯t have been able to casually walk by her and say ¡°feel better¡±. Oh, that was so good,¡± says Rival while trembling and crying.

    ¡°You¡¯re a freak. I¡¯m gonna kill your ass now,¡± I say, my hair turning into a drill.

    Rival¡¯s hair slams into my foot like a whip and knocks me over. ¡°Whoa there. I¡¯m not here to fight. If you want to see Old Dude, he¡¯s by your grave,¡± says Rival with a smile.

    ¡°My grave? Is that a threat?¡±

    ¡°I can send you there if you want.¡±

    This dick has gotten on my last nerve. Damn it! Why did I say dick?

    I punch Rival in his smug face.

    He takes the hit without flinching, then grabs his face. ¡°Rrrgh! Why are you so strong?¡±

    ¡°Stop making fun of me!¡±

    ¡°I¡¯m not, you homophobic idiot! I¡¯m offering you a way to meet with Old Dude so you can punch his wrinkly face!¡± Rival grabs onto his cursed hand and seethes. ¡°Don¡¯t you want that?¡±

    ¡°Fine then, dickweed. Arggh stop talking about dicks, you dick!¡± I yell at him.

    ¡°That was all you, dickhead.¡±

    I really hate this guy but Old Dude is my real target.

    ¡°Alright. Just tell me where he is.¡±

    ¡°He¡¯s at your gravesite which is¡­¡± Rival points up to the sky.

    ¡°In a magical sky kingdom! Yes! Now I just need a ship, an octopus and one hell of a geyser.¡±

    Rival rolls his eyes. ¡°The moon. Your grave is on the moon.¡±

    ¡°Why would my grave be there? That makes no sense. How would you even transport the body?¡±

    ¡°Shit! I didn¡¯t want to spoil the surprise this early, but there¡¯s no choice, I guess. If you tell anyone about this, I¡¯ll¡­well I already plan to ruin your life in every way imaginable soooo, just be grateful I¡¯m helping you and don¡¯t tell anyone,¡± he says as he unwraps the bandages on his arm.

    This guy is such a fake. I bet he doesn¡¯t even have any special markings under those bandages.

    The bandages fall. The arm beneath is black with stars in it.

    ¡°Are you a RiftRipper like Assailant?¡±

    ¡°Ask me one more question and I won¡¯t help you out.¡± His arm glows as he cuts the air. The special cuts create a portal.

    ¡°Hey, can you send me back home?¡±

    ¡°I absolutely refuse. You¡¯re my rival, so I won¡¯t let you back out of your responsibilities so easily. Now, hurry up and go through. I can hold the portal open for a long time, but I¡¯m sick of looking at the ugly porcupine on your head.¡±

    He¡¯s just jealous he can¡¯t go super sayan.

    ¡°I don¡¯t trust you at all. You know what¡­screw this! I¡¯m not going into that portal!¡± I yell.

    There¡¯s a rustling in the bushes.

    ¡°You can¡¯t hide the scent of your blood from me!¡± yells Harem B, unsheathing her katana cleaver and approaching me.

    Change of plan.

    I step into the portal.

    Hold up. If I¡¯m going to fight Old Dude. I¡¯m going to need to be at full power. Alright, I just need to calm down and do the opening.

    ¡°I walk into the sex tent¡­ew! I burnt my eyes. And now I¡¯m running down a vengeful path furiously¡­furiously. Now there¡¯s a slide show of a bunch of girls whose genders I can¡¯t decipher. And it¡¯s making me question what is on my team? Damn futas! Then my hand is reaching out to her bra. That¡¯s so soft! Now all the harem girls are messing up my sexy time! But then I jump in and rip off my clothes. I¡¯m now clenching my fist on top of a mountain of women¡¯s clothes. Holy shit it was all just deception! I¡¯m then knocked back. I wipe the blood off my nose and then I run away and prepare for a fight. No matter what I won¡¯t die a virgin. And there is only one reason why. It¡¯s because I¡¯m The Main Character! Me me me! The Main Character! Hell¡¯s yeah! I¡¯m The Main Character!¡±

    Okay good, my self-esteem levels have increased. But still, they aren¡¯t at optimal levels. I know what would help, the recap. Yeah, I know it¡¯s too late for a recap. But too bad. One Place does them after the opening song all the time so why can¡¯t I follow its long island legacy.

    Last time on the Main Character: Stalker assumed I wanted to have sex with her. Best Friend told her how na?ve she was and then gave me a deep kiss. She ran off and was then ambushed by General Mew Nyah. You technically can¡¯t prove me wrong about that since it could have happened off screen. After this, I prepared to have sex with my harem. Little did I know, they were all complete amateurs. I was too ashamed of them to continue. They did not turn out to be men. That never happened. Anyways I run off to attack Old Dude for giving me a harem that is full of novices.

    Yes! Exaggerate the partial truth to keep the full truth hidden. I may have a future as a politician if being a hero turns out to be fruitless.

    I arrive on the surface of the moon, just like Rival said. Sadly there was no space station, space mansion, or space gods on it. All there was, as far as the eye could see, were tombstones.

    I look down at my chest, the numbers tattooed onto me now made sense. I was Hero number 13131313131313131313131313. Which meant that there were likely over thirteen septillion graves that coated the moon.

    My god¡­I know math. Wait a silver minute; how can there be more graves than there are humans on Earth? Just how long have heroes been dying for these villages.

    Old Dude appears in front of me. ¡°You¡¯re here sooner than I expected,¡± says Old Dude, popping out behind me.

    ¡°You knew I would come?¡± I ask softly.

    ¡°With someone like you, it was practically guaranteed.¡± Old Dude raises his arms. ¡°The Heroes¡¯ Graveyard, sometimes called Neo Elysium as a euphemism. Incredible, isn¡¯t it? All the greatest warriors this world has ever known are each buried a mere shoulder¡¯s length apart from each other.¡±

    Not sure if there¡¯s a cap on how many times I can reference the same series in one episode, but it certainly reminds me of a certain cactus field from One Place.

    Too shocked for violence at the moment, I wordlessly follow Old Dude. The numbers on the graves¡­all they had were numbers. No names, no dates, no flowers, and no mysterious runes.

    Space suddenly warps before my eyes. The ground is wrinkled, allowing us to travel miles within a single step. In just three steps we arrive at my grave.Unauthorized duplication: this narrative has been taken without consent. Report sightings.

    Wait, according to my tombstone, I was murdered by Rival. I would punch Old Dude for the insult but at least my grave has more than just a number on it. It has my hero title and a false death report.

    ¡°Hold up. Is this a prophecy? Is he going to kill me in the future?¡± I ask.

    ¡°A hero¡¯s death is inevitable,¡± says Old Dude solemnly.

    Just like a magical girl¡¯s gruesome transformation into a witch. Wait, no. Godoka saved them all. Maybe I can be the savior at the end of the century. No¡­the end of time itself.

    ¡°How is there a grave if I¡¯m still alive? Don¡¯t tell me my lie to Runt ended up becoming true. Am I like something that came out of a human fax machine?¡±

    ¡°See for yourself,¡± says Old Dude, handing me a knight¡¯s greatest weapon, a shovel.

    I plunge into the dirt and throw it to the side, symbolically tossing away my fears with the dirt.

    Okay, actually I am getting more and more terrified the more I dig.

    I hit something solid and my hair moves like a fan to blow away the dust.

    ¡°Thanks, hair,¡± I say, to which it responds by giving me a thumbs up.

    I open the casket and do not find the woman who killed Bill. Thankfully I don¡¯t find my corpse in it either. That would have been creepy.

    I look inside to see that thankfully I had not been buried in it. This meant that I was alive.

    ¡°You said you knew I¡¯d come here.¡± I point at him dramatically. ¡°If that¡¯s the case, then why did you make me a grave?¡± My voice is given the accusatory aura of an ace attorney.

    ¡°It¡¯s a tradition. Main, there¡¯s something I should have told you. Most of the graves here¡­no, all of the graves here are empty. There has never been a single hero¡¯s body that has ever been recovered. Why bother really? The graves only hold symbolic value. Now, I suggest you leave,¡± says Old Dude, with arched eyebrows and a dark shadow.

    ¡°You tricked me! I thought my harem had experience! What¡¯s the point of a harem that doesn¡¯t understand sex?¡± I ask angrily.

    ¡°How many times have you seen the star in a harem anime get sex?¡± asks Old Dude.

    ¡°Never, but still,¡± I say in frustration.

    ¡°You wanted to be the Main Character of a harem anime in order to acquire a new ability. I needed to give you an authentic harem. But¡­none of that matters now,¡± says Old Dude with teary eyes.

    ¡°I¡¯m still a virgin! I agreed to save your village for more than power! I wanted sex damn it!¡± I yell.

    ¡°You need to move on! Besides if you really wanted sex, you would have gone with Stalker!¡± yells Old Dude.

    ¡°How can you say something so ridiculous? She¡¯s my¡­eventual friend!¡± I yell with a glare.

    ¡°It¡¯s too late now anyways. The portal to your world has vanished,¡± says Old Dude.

    ¡°Wait, what happened to my world?¡± I ask in fear.

    I swear if there was some big cataclysmic event that I missed because I was in a fantasy world, I am going to be so pissed.

    ¡°It took a lot of energy for me to make that portal. I don¡¯t think I have the patience for it again,¡± says Old Dude.

    ¡°Hold up. Assailant didn¡¯t make that portal?¡±

    ¡°You were dead so you didn¡¯t witness it. Your corpse was brought through my portal. RiftRippers aren¡¯t strong enough to cross into other dimensions. That said, a Primordial needs the RiftRipper¡¯s will to access another world.¡±

    ¡°How many worlds are there?¡±

    ¡°Do you really want to give your viewers so many answers this early in the show? Exposition dumps are discredited and branded lazy writing. Ugh. Why must I protect this child from himself even now?¡±

    ¡°Why is there no grave after mine. It just¡­stops here?¡±

    ¡°You were the last hero. The final hope. There, I paid you your respects. Leave us. Go back to where you belong,¡± says Old Dude before chanting under his breath.

    ¡°Look, I¡¯m not going to quit being a hero just because of what happened. I¡¯m not giving up on your village,¡± I say firmly.

    ¡°It¡¯s over Main. I appreciate your determination, but it¡¯s foolish to persist now,¡± says Old Dude with a smile.

    ¡°When a hero sees a village in trouble, he can¡¯t just stand by. When he sees people suffering, he doesn¡¯t back down. A hero charges forth with justice until the oppression is suppressed!¡± I exclaim powerfully.

    Not sure if I need to add more generic speeches like this but I will do what I must to avoid getting fired before I quit!

    Old Dude shoos me away. ¡°There is no need for this to continue. I gave you your harem. The contract has ended. You¡¯re free Main. I¡¯m truly sorry about taking you from your world,¡± says Old Dude, his wrinkles drooping into a sad face as he continues chanting.

    ¡°I don¡¯t give two shits about your village. And I don¡¯t care if people are suffering. That¡¯s just life. But Stalker believed in me. The people of Doomed believed in me. And I will not betray that belief. Being worshipped feels wonderful and that¡¯s why I¡¯m not giving up on your people,¡± I say, grabbing Old Dude¡¯s hands.

    ¡°That¡¯s impossible. How did you already obtain the power of Deus Ex Machina?¡± asks Old Dude in wonderment.

    The ¡°what¡± now?

    ¡°I have no idea what you are talking about,¡± I say with a smile.

    Old Dude starts pacing around and muttering to himself. ¡°I thought The Legendary Hero of Legendary Legends: The Legend was the only one who possessed that power.¡± He looks up at me with wonderment and a little envy. ¡°What was it like?¡±

    ¡°It was a disaster! I told you, none of them knew what they were doing. It was a massive orgy of confusion!¡± I yell furiously.

    ¡°Not that! I mean dying. How did it feel?¡± asks Old Dude.

    ¡°Well that bike might have killed me, but I don¡¯t think that¡¯s relevant at the moment.¡±

    ¡°Rival killed you, didn¡¯t he?¡± asks Old Dude confused.

    Wait¡­so this whole time he thought I was a ghost.

    ¡°Rival didn¡¯t kill me. I actually beat him. Although to be honest, I didn¡¯t seem to hurt him at all.¡±

    ¡°Then it¡¯s been postponed.¡± Old Dude wipes his teary eyes. ¡°I didn¡¯t actually think you were a ghost. I was just messing with ya! Oh well, I guess I made this grave for nothing!¡±

    ¡°Hey cheer up. I¡¯m heading to Flam¡¯s castle. I could still die,¡± I say reassuringly.

    Old Dude looked up at me with a smile.

    He totally did and now he¡¯s trying to cover it up.

    Old Dude¡¯s face turns grave. ¡°I was waiting for you here to warn you of the new prophecy.¡±

    ¡°The less you talk about it the better.¡±

    ¡°That would be the case if your killer wasn¡¯t also a wielder of POV.¡±

    ¡°Flam?¡± I ask.

    Old Dude points at my grave.

    ¡°Rival!¡± I yell.

    ¡°Not dying now only postpones your death at his hand.¡±

    ¡°What if I kill him?¡±

    ¡°Impossible. He¡¯s been immortal for years. And now I know why. He became invincible the moment the prophecy was made.¡±

    My hair smashes my tombstone, an action which is deeply psychological and should be pondered upon by my fans for years.

    ¡°There is one way, but it won¡¯t be easy.¡±

    ¡°What is it?¡±

    Old Dude starts laughing. ¡°I¡¯m not going to tell you. That would be too easy.¡±

    I grab him and glare at him to hide my fear. ¡°This is my life. My life!¡±

    ¡°Heroes don¡¯t have fear,¡± he says in a deathly whisper.

    ¡°Yeah and that¡¯s why they¡¯re all dead!¡± I yell, my hair pressing Old Dude¡¯s face against the tombstone closest to mine.

    ¡°You really want me to steal your thunder by giving you the answer?¡± asks Old Dude.

    ¡°Nah. Screw that noise. I¡¯m gonna beat the answer out of you like all good Shounen role models!¡± My hair tears the graves out of the ground and sends them toward Old Dude.

    He appears in front of me, having the graves crash in the backgrond.

    My hair sharpens, cutting into the stones before throwing them at Old Dude.

    He can only bend space backward or forward.

    Old Dude¡¯s wrinkles reverberate, freezing the projectiles in the air. He then brings them together.

    My hair wraps around the extra large rock and wrestles him for control of it. I tear it from his psychic hold and then slam it down on him. Without even a second going by, he is now in the distance.

    He appears in front of me. ¡°Even away from the village, I am more powerful than you could ever hope to be. If it weren¡¯t for my barrier, you wouldn¡¯t even be able to breath here.¡±

    I nearly lose my footing and fall off.

    That¡¯s impossible.

    The moon is gone. Or rather it is flat. Old Dude and I stand on a thin slab of land, my grave now the only one in sight.

    What the hell is this guy? Is he a JoJoJo-Jo Jo-JoJo villain? Oh wait, space not time. I¡¯ve never seen anything like this. I can¡¯t reference it. What the hell? How can I beat him if I can¡¯t even put his powers in a nostalgic box for comparison?

    Suddenly I¡¯m on the ground and my arms are bending back, almost snapping.

    ¡°Please stop!¡±

    The agony it¡¯s unbearable.

    ¡°You¡¯re supposed to be the Hero of Destiny. Yet all I see is a pathetic whiny child. I feel so disappointed. And disappointment is crippling,¡± says Old Dude in tears.

    ¡°You¡¯re right! I¡¯m wrong. Don¡¯t kill me.¡±

    Old Dude breaks out into laughter. ¡°Haven¡¯t you been paying attention. You¡¯re immortal, boy! Only the Legendary Hero of Legendary Legends: the Legend can kill you now.¡±

    ¡°Ha! You¡¯re lying! I caught you. TomCat killed me! It was my retcon that kept me alive.¡±

    ¡°Is that what you think? What if the prophecy is what kept you alive?¡±

    ¡°Then I am the Hero of Destiny! And as such I¡¯m going to destroy the prophecy that thinks it can tell me how I die!¡±

    Best Friend and I will die of old age in each other¡¯s arms. We will reminisce about the day he found me. A day¡­I don¡¯t remember. Why don¡¯t I remember it?

    ¡°The Hero of Destiny will be killed by the Legendary Hero of Legendary Legends: the Legend. Your path is set.¡±

    I can¡¯t accept this. I need to figure this out. And I¡¯m just in the right place. Time for a Neo Wokio introspective moment.

    I lie in my own grave and close my eyes.

    Life is death. And death, without cremation, creates new life. It¡¯s a cycle. Samsara sucks. Nirvana is where its at. Insert Buddhism quote here. Make an unrelated leftist political statement. Sleep is just a lie the government tells us we need to keep us from meditation. Wow. I feel ten times more woke. Nothing like acknowledging you¡¯re going to die to help you figure out how to live. Oh shit! Old Dude is throwing dirt on me!

    ¡°I¡¯m not dead!¡± I yell.

    ¡°Oh, sorry. Force of habit,¡± he says, setting down the shovel with his mind. ¡°So, you¡¯re not giving up? There¡¯s no escape from your destiny, boy.¡±

    I rise from my grave like a philosophically astute vampire. ¡°Yes, there is! I¡¯ve got it! I quit. That means I¡¯m no longer the Hero of Destiny.¡±

    ¡°If you quit, then assassins will keep coming to kill you.¡±

    I¡¯d be ex-cominuicado. Shit. I¡¯m no Baba Yaga. I¡¯d die after like wave two!

    ¡°Why would they go after me?¡±

    Old Dude shrugs. ¡°Eh. They don¡¯t like deserters.¡±

    ¡°Rival is a deserter, isn¡¯t he? If that¡¯s true, then how does he keep his hero title? Didn¡¯t he flee?¡±

    ¡°That¡¯s why there¡¯s a colon followed by the Legend.¡±

    ¡°And why wasn¡¯t he killed by these supposed assassins?¡±

    ¡°They got bored of killing him. He¡¯s a man who cannot die.¡±

    ¡°Unless he kills me. Then I just need to tell him that so he gives up on killing me, thus changing the prophecy.¡±

    ¡°That won¡¯t work. He¡¯d love to get killed and escape his torturous guilt.¡±

    ¡°Then I¡­I don¡¯t know what to do.¡±

    ¡°Just keep being our hero. Accomplish something so you leave a legacy after your demise.¡± Old Dude places his hands on my shoulders. ¡°You can still be a hero before your inevitable death.¡±

    ¡°Okay¡­I guess¡­I¡¯ll just move forward,¡± I say, holding myself in tears.

    ¡°That¡¯s a good boy. Oh, that reminds me. There¡¯s something you should know. I thought since you were going to die, you might as well die in ignorance. But now that you¡¯re still alive, I should give you fair warning. The harem I got you, well¡­they¡¯re all guys,¡± says Old Dude bluntly.

    No. I thought I could change that in the recap.

    ¡°I already found out?¡± I say through gritted teeth.

    ¡°Oh. That was rather quick. I guess you don¡¯t believe in foreplay then? Don¡¯t deny all their hard work, day after day, pumping themselves full of estrogen for the greater good. Such a shame. I was hoping their breasts would have sidetracked you a little bit,¡± says Old Dude.

    ¡°Actually, that¡¯s why I¡¯m here. I came to beat the shit out of you for lying to me,¡± I say, my hair clenching into a fist.

    Old Dude looks at me curiously. ¡°Hold on. I never once promised you a female harem. There weren¡¯t any women in the village. I hired some from abroad. I chose the most attractive candidates. I was going to tell you, but you seemed so happy. And then Rival showed up. I thought the secret would just die with you. But at least now you know. So now you don¡¯t have to get an unpleasant surprise. Then again, you might like that sort of thing,¡± he says with a snicker.

    I picked him up and shook him furiously.

    ¡°I want to know why you did it!? Do you think it¡¯s funny to pull pranks on an undersexed teen?¡± I ask as I raised my fist.

    Old Dude holds back his laughter and clears his throat. ¡°If you knew why, you would abandon our village,¡± he says softly.

    ¡°Well if you don¡¯t tell me, I¡¯ll set your precious village on fire!¡±

    ¡°Wow. That¡¯s a legitimate threat. I¡¯m impressed. Eh, it¡¯s been through several fires. What¡¯s one more?¡±

    ¡°Come on. Just tell me, dude. I¡¯m having a really rough day.¡±

    ¡°Fine. No more riddles or vagueness. Stalker is the last of her kind!¡± exclaims Old Dude, his wrinkles trembling for dramatic effect.

    ¡°What like the last guardian angel? Well, White Knight did say his got killed. But I don¡¯t see how that¡¯s relevant.¡±

    ¡°She is the last female of SteamPunk. That is why we¡¯ve entrusted her safety to you,¡± says Old Dude softly.

    I know Shounen animes are unbalanced, but that¡¯s just ridiculous.

    ¡°What about Fruity, Brawny Babe and TomCat?¡± I ask.

    ¡°Do you not trust me, boy?¡±

    ¡°Honestly I don¡¯t.¡±

    ¡°Hey, you asked.¡±

    ¡°You¡¯re right. She¡¯s really the last one. So then, she¡¯s all alone too?¡± I ask, feeling epic empathy for her.

    ¡°That is why we brought you here. We brought you to our world to keep her safe. I never once believed you could save our village. All I ever really hoped for is for you to save us all from extinction. Why do you think we make otaku heroes? They are degenerate virgin perverts. I didn¡¯t tell you because I knew you would think of it as a demotion. You want to be a hero, not a bodyguard,¡± says Old Dude softly.

    ¡°Wait, so all these heroes died to protect her? How old is she really?¡± I ask in skepticism.

    ¡°Why don¡¯t you ask her yourself?¡±

    ¡°I will. As a hero.¡±

    ¡°I don¡¯t believe anymore.¡± Old Dude¡¯s face sank. ¡°After the legendary betrayal by the Legendary Hero of Legendary Legends, I lost faith that this village would ever be saved. I don¡¯t believe in heroes. Only prophecies that describe their deaths.¡±

    ¡°You mean you didn¡¯t believe in heroes anymore¡­until now!¡± I exclaim, standing tall.

    ¡°Main, you can¡¯t save us,¡± says Old Dude firmly.

    ¡°Correction, I won¡¯t save your village until you renew my contract,¡± I say with a wide grin.

    Old Dude¡¯s grimace becomes a slight smile. ¡°You¡¯re serious?¡±

    ¡°I¡¯m going to make you believe in heroes again.¡±

    ¡°That would be quite the fear. And¡­will you continue to protect Stalker if I renew it?¡±

    ¡°Of course I will,¡± I say, shaking his hand.

    I already got my own harem. What should I get next? Maybe I could get my own sports team, or my own assassin squad! Wait, I know what to ask for!

    ¡°Alright, so what do you want for payment this time?¡± asks Old Dude with a pat on my back. ¡°Mind you, you¡¯ll only get your reward if you defeat another CatBoy general or deal a serious blow to Flam¡¯s army.¡±

    ¡°I want to become a kung fu master. Find me a trainer so that I can surpass him. And in return, I¡¯ll defeat Flam! Get the master ready for my return,¡± I say as I walk off.

    I¡¯m going to actually learn how to fight! Eat that, Saytama!

    ¡°Hold on. Do you really think you can beat Flam as you are now?¡± asks Old Dude.

    ¡°No, that¡¯s why I want to learn kung-fu. I¡¯ll see you around. I¡¯ll be back once I¡¯ve saved Stalker,¡± I say proudly.

    ¡°Wait, did she get captured again?¡± asks Old Dude.

    ¡°She¡¯s the heroine. It¡¯s her job and she takes it very seriously. I¡¯ll see you around. Oh, and I¡¯ll keep harem with me, but I¡¯ll never forget,¡± I say with shivers.

    ¡°And you¡¯re going to walk there¡­from the moon?¡± he asks.

    ¡°Oh. Good point.¡±

    Old Dude wrinkles space once more, making the entry portal a mere three steps from our location.

    I enter and arrive back in the forest.

 A Heroines Role

    Episode 11: Part 2

    The plan was to do the Noruto run through the forest until I arrive back with my team.

    But some colossal¡­jerk got in the way of the plan.

    Rival is sitting on his own hair, being attended to by my harem like he¡¯s some sort of isekai protagonist.

    Hold up. What if by becoming an ex-hero he is the protagonist of his own edgy story? What happens when main characters clash? Well if we look at the Torigo Drag-on Ballz One Place crossover then¡­well, not much. It was a stalemate despite the power levels. That¡¯s not necessarily a bad thing though. It means him killing me is practically impossible. But what if the prophecy is true.

    The girls fawn over Rival as my eyes glare at him.

    ¡°Your back bleeds beautifully,¡± says Harem B, clawing his bare back with her fingernails.

    ¡°Such a great warrior. It is an honor to suck on your toes,¡± says Harem C in bliss.

    ¡°Don¡¯t think I like you, baka. I¡¯m just letting off some steam,¡± says Harem D, rubbing her breasts against his chest while she sits in his lap.

    ¡°Mr. Pineapple, look it¡¯s the legendary hero,¡± says Harem H, putting on a puppet show while using his hand to fondle her massive tits.

    ¡°Yes! Worship my feet and I may not crush you,¡± says Harem A as Rival licks her feet.

    ¡°Get your hands off my harem,¡± I say under my breath.

    ¡°Look who¡¯s back,¡± says Rival, before sucking on Harem A¡¯s toes. ¡°Did you beat him?¡±

    ¡°You knew I didn¡¯t stand a chance. Why did you send me up there anyway?¡±

    ¡°To get your harem, dick for brains.¡±

    ¡°Oh. It¡¯s you.¡± Harem B stops clawing Rival¡¯s back and looks up at me. ¡°My heart still beats for you. And it will bleed as you bleed and scream and die.¡± She takes out her cleaver as she approaches me.

    Rival¡¯s hair shoots out and creates a spiked cage around her. ¡°Sorry, babe. He¡¯s off limits.¡±

    ¡°Why? Because you¡¯re going to kill me? I know about the prophecy!¡±

    ¡°What prophecy?¡±

    ¡°Don¡¯t you play dumb!¡± I take advantage that he¡¯s keeping Harem B from killing me and send my hair fist slamming into his face.

    The fist knocks him off his feet.

    Yes!

    Harem B, now free, rushes toward me with her katana cleaver.

    No! Why didn¡¯t I see this coming.

    My hair recoils and grabs her arms, holding her back from slicing me to pieces.

    ¡°You think I want to kill you?¡± she asks, foam coming from her mouth.

    ¡°Ummm¡­yeah. It looks like it,¡± I say, trying to wrestle the weapon from her hands.

    ¡°Stoooop!¡± Harem C runs in the way. ¡°This is all my fault! If only I was a real boy, then you wouldn¡¯t have been tricked.¡±

    ¡°What does that have to do with her trying to kill me?¡± I ask, jumping back as B nearly slices my stomach.

    ¡°Just blame me! Hurt me! Take it all out on me and then be friends again!¡± C jumps in the way of the next slice, getting her back cut open.

    B¡¯s eyes widen. ¡°What did you make me do?¡± she asks as her fingers, yes her fingers,  absorb the blood on C¡¯s back.

    Harem A hops onto my shoulders. ¡°Haha! Yes, fight to the death for your deity¡¯s amusement!¡±

    ¡°This isn¡¯t some game!¡± D kicks B off of C while A claps.

    Wow. This looks more like math than descriptive subtitles at this point.

    D crouches down to C. ¡°Are you okay?¡±

    ¡°It hurts,¡± says C with a blush. ¡°Now I¡¯m horny.¡±

    D gives her an awkward look and then helps her to her feet. She turns her gaze to me. ¡°If you would just die like a good idiot, then she wouldn¡¯t have gotten hurt.¡±

    What kind of screwed up logic is that! Sorry, not sorry, for self-defense.

    D steps toward me, her arm gathering crimson energy.

    Where is Best Friend when I need him? Yeah, sure. I¡¯m supposedly immortal unless Rival kills me, but honestly I am not going to take that gamble.

    Rival rushes D and pins her to the ground. ¡°Will you just calm the hell down?¡±

    ¡°Get off my boobs, you pervert!¡± yells D, kicking him in the nuts before punching him off.

    He took the hit with no damage and pinned her down again. ¡°I know you sorta. So I don¡¯t want you doing something you¡¯ll regret. The last time you killed your hero, you whined about it for days. Nobody should have to listen to your sob story shit. I want all of you to just stand back, like H is doing.¡±

    H waves at them, smoking a log that she had turned into a bong.

    Rival steps up to me. ¡°And let me kill the hero for you. Ready to die, punk?¡± Rival¡¯s hair shoots out and cracks its knuckles.

    Well, looks like my prophecy is already coming to fruition. I could run, but that would just leave me open. I¡¯m going to stand my ground like Whito Beard and fight. Ah, shit! Why did I pick a dead guy as an example?

    ¡°I beat you last time. What makes you think you can kill me this time?¡± I ask, having my hair do that ¡®bring it on¡¯ finger gesture. ¡°I¡¯m going to beat you down and take back my harem!¡±

    ¡°You abandoned them!¡± Rival digs a finger into his temple and clenches his face with his other hand. ¡°No backsies now, hero! And you know what that means, right? It means you can¡¯t juggle anymore! There¡¯s no-one here to protect you! It¡¯s time for you to die!¡± yells Rival, his hair taking the shape of swords.

    What the hell is wrong with this whack-job? This guy really needs a friend.

    My hair shoots out only to get sliced.

    Oh, I get it. I¡¯m supposed to get hurt here and then Harem realizes they still care about me. They step in the way to protect me and we all become friends again.

    My hair shoots at Rival at super speeds, only to be caught between his assortment of blades.

    ¡°You don¡¯t have an edge this time, hero.¡±

    He¡¯s wrong. My wit is still as sharp as ever.

    ¡°I¡¯m not a hero anymore! I quit!¡± I yell.

    His hair blades become like tentacles and pull me toward him.

    ¡°What do you mean you quit?¡±

    ¡°I¡¯m no longer a hero so you have no reason to kill me!¡± I spit in his face.

    He grabs his head.

    Finally, an opening.

    My hair tears out a tree and slams it into him.

    The tree shatters on impact and Rival doesn¡¯t even seem to notice.

    ¡°Hold up, kid. You think I want to kill you because you¡¯re a Destined Warrior?¡±

    ¡°That¡¯s exactly what I think!¡± I yell, machine-gun punching him with hair-coated fists.

    ¡°Wait wait wait.¡± His hair wraps around me, forms into a chair and sits me down.

    Damn it! He¡¯s killing the battle tension.

    My hair shoots out and wrestles with his to keep up the tension.

    ¡°You do realize how important you are, don¡¯t you?¡± he asks, leaning in.

    ¡°Yeah. I¡¯m too important to die, that¡¯s for sure! Or is this about my hero title?¡±

    ¡°You¡¯re my rival, you inconsiderate dick bag! If you quit, I¡¯m going to kill you! That¡¯s a freaking promise!¡±

    Well there goes my back up plan. Damn it. What am I going to do?

    ¡°So, you¡¯ll kill me whether or not I¡¯m a hero. Don¡¯t you see how unfair that is?¡±

    Rival¡¯s hair defeats mine in the arm-wrestling match. He then yanks me up to him. ¡°I¡¯m stuck with a loser like you as a rival! Don¡¯t you think that¡¯s unfair!¡± he yells as he slams me against the ground repeatedly.

    My hair creates a blanket over my body, reducing the impact.

    Rival¡¯s hair tosses me in the air.

    His hair then spreads out, grabbing onto the nearby tress before pummeling me with them.

    If only I could juggle, then I would easily beat this punk.

    ¡°Help me!¡± I yell, reaching out to my harem.

    ¡°Should we?¡± asks C.

    The others ignore me.

    ¡°All of you are going to abandon me just like that? This isn¡¯t supposed to be how it is. The average-looking nerdy boy gets all the girls. The handsome attractive guy is left with nothing! Just look at Rosary Vampire! You all can¡¯t resist my cute innocence or my pointless valor! You¡¯re my harem and you love me!¡± I exclaim.

    ¡°Eh, not really. Pretending to love you is just part of the job description really,¡± says D, shuffling her feet.

    I always wanted my life to be a harem anime, but not Lovu Lovu! Shit! My luck is terrible.

    ¡°You¡¯re going to die alone! Your entire harem has left you! And you absolutely deserve it!¡± he yells.

    Usually this would be where the hero tells him he¡¯s wrong. But he¡¯s not. And let¡¯s be honest without out a harem, I¡¯m just a generic nerdy virgin. I¡¯m like a Purrsona protagonist without social links.

    My hair comes out like a porcupine and pierces the trees. ¡°You¡¯re right. I abandoned my harem not just because some of them were trying to kill me. I was shaken by the fact that they are all guys. But you know, maybe that¡¯s exactly the wake-up call I needed.¡± My hair slams all the trees to the ground, writing out ¡°Sorry.¡±

    ¡°Hey! Don¡¯t ignore me!¡± yells Rival, screaming as he claws at his face.

    ¡°Your secret is safe with me. I¡¯ll take it all the way to the grave. And¡­I¡¯ll give you the respect you deserve! I don¡¯t care if you¡¯re all boys or men or whatever! You still have boobs and boobs are awesome!¡± I yell, making my very first friendship slash harem speech I turn to face my harem.¡±

    No longer will I name them after their breast¡¯s sizes. Their ability to assimilate estrogen is not their identity.

    ¡°A, you¡¯re a goddess of cuteness and you deserve to be acknowledged for your boundless energy and positive attitude. From now on you¡¯re Dere Dere!¡±

    ¡°A name so powerful it has its own echo! It is worthy of my greatness! This deity accepts your offering!¡± says the youngest member of harem.

    B glares at me as I approach her. ¡°I¡¯m not a girl! I try but I¡¯ll never be a girl.¡±

    I lean in and kiss her cheek.

    B drops her weapon and starts shaking.

    ¡°You¡¯re beautiful and terrifying regardless of whether you have a fleshy dagger between your legs.¡±

    ¡°Y-Y-Y-You¡¯re just saying that so I don¡¯t kill you,¡± she says with eyes full of tears.

    ¡°You can¡¯t kill me. You love me, Yandy.¡± I smile and pat her head.

    Her pale cheeks turn blood red. ¡°Yandy¡­it¡¯s cute but¡­I like it.¡± She holds herself and then faints.

    Harem C is already in front of me, crouching. ¡°If you¡¯re really sorry, then hurt me.¡±

    ¡°I don¡¯t know who told you that abuse is love, but it¡¯s not true.¡±

    ¡°No. That¡¯s not it.¡±

    ¡°Shhh. I¡¯m making a heart-felt harem speech, okay?¡±

    She nods.

    ¡°You¡¯re timid, shy and sweet. You need a name that fits.¡± I smile. ¡°How about Dandy?¡±

    ¡°Dandy.¡± She blushes bright red. ¡°It¡¯s too cute for someone like me.¡±

    ¡°You don¡¯t need to stay with me. If you want, you can go back to your boyfriend,¡± I say, patting her head.

    ¡°HerHerHer! She doesn¡¯t need your permission, bigot!¡± exclaims an arrogant heroic voice. ¡°I, White Knight, have news for you!¡±

    Nasuke comes out from behind him. ¡°White Knight has joined the BattleShippers. He¡¯s GriGatsu now.¡±

    For those of you who forgot, Nasuke is the leader of the BattleShippers, a hero group made up of people in crack ship cosplay.

    ¡°Yeah, that¡¯s great. Only I don¡¯t care.¡±A case of literary theft: this tale is not rightfully on Amazon; if you see it, report the violation.

    Nasuke holds up Stalker¡¯s journal.

    ¡°Where did you get that?¡± I ask, worry coating my voice.

    ¡°Found it on the ground. And it told me something very important. They¡¯re all guys!¡± exclaims Nasuke, pointing at the different members of harem.

    ¡°Back off, bitch,¡± says Harem D, who I would have renamed if these morons hadn¡¯t gotten in the way.

    ¡°Oooh, he¡¯s feisty! I want him,¡± says Nasuke. The hero captain then points to me. ¡°The hero of Legendary Legends was killed on his way to Flam¡¯s Castle. Nobody knows why. And they¡¯ll never know. Rasendori!¡±

    My hair blocks the electric ball of wind, but the energy travels through my follicles and zaps me.

    ¡°You¡¯re really going to kill me just to get a hot guy?¡± I ask.

    ¡°A ton of hot guys and you better believe it!¡± exclaims Nasuke, rushing up to punch me.

    White Knight took the hit but then tosses me into the air. He then flings Nasuke at me.

    My hair grabs onto Nasuke, only to get electrocuted.

    Dere Dere¡¯s legs spark with electricity as she runs across the air. ¡°Oooh, you use energy too.¡± Her entire body courses with energy which then gets put into her pointer finger. ¡°CoinPurse Mode: Tap.¡±

    Nasuke screams out in agony as his or her whole body is fried.

    Dere Dere hops like a bunny up to White Knight.

    ¡°Wait. My armor conduces electricity.¡±

    ¡°Yep yep! Fireworks time!¡± She coats her hand in electricity and places both hands on White Knight¡¯s shoulder. ¡°This feels soooo goooood!¡± she exclaims, riding the shock as White Knight is screaming in agony.

    Harem D picks Stalker¡¯s journal up from the ground and hands it to me.

    ¡°You were going to rename me, right?¡± she asks, turning away with a bit of blush.

    ¡°That¡¯s right, Tsundy.¡±

    ¡°Why did you give me such a girly name?¡± she asks, kicking my crotch.

    Ow! Slapstick is only funny when you¡¯re not the receiver. Geez that hurts.

    ¡°It was that or Tommy,¡± I say with a grin.

    ¡°Whatever. Let¡¯s just hurry up and kick Flam¡¯s sweet ass,¡± says Tsundy, punching the air.

    ¡°Have you discovered the name of my soul?¡± asks Harem H.

    ¡°Yeah. You¡¯re Kuu. Do you like it?¡±

    ¡°No, but it won¡¯t last. A name is as transient as the false ego that harbors it. Wow, that cloud looks like a Bun Bun,¡± says Kuu.

    Rival¡¯s hair looms above me, holding an assortment of large rocks and broken trees.

    ¡°Nice speech! But by recognizing them as individuals, you no longer get your harem powers.¡±

    ¡°You¡¯re wrong.¡± I slap the trigger on my wrist as he throws the projectiles my way.

    My hair catches them all and juggles them.

    ¡°How are you doing that?¡±

    ¡°Because, right now, they are Harem. Harem Juggle Explosion!¡± I yell, as I send the projectiles at Rival.

    His hair catches them all. ¡°Ha! That all you got?¡±

    ¡°You¡¯re wide open!¡± Harem uppercuts him one by one, leaping off each other¡¯s shoulders like a Disgaeaea tower attack.

    The strongest part of Harem grabs onto his legs and body slams him to the ground. The rest of Harem then follows suit.

    Rival¡¯s eyes go blank.

    K.O. Hell yes!

    ¡°You knew what I was thinking?¡± I ask.

    ¡°No. We felt your desires.¡±

    ¡°Does this mean you¡¯re going to stay?¡± I ask, wiping away a dramatic tear.

    Harem rushes up and group hugs me. ¡°We would never leave you! You¡¯re our big brother, dearly beloved, master, childhood-friend punching bag and sex toy!¡± exclaims my Harem romantically.

    ¡°I love you guys too,¡± I say while embracing them with tears flowing down my cheeks.

    Wait, what was that last one?

    ¡°But I want you to be free.¡± I desynchronize Harem and approach Tsundy. ¡°You should be the one to have this.¡± I take off the trigger bracelet and hand it to her.

    Giving a girl a freedom is a great way to get in her pants, but it can also be used to mend friendships.

    Tsundy¡¯s face turns bright like a tomato. She pushes me to the ground. ¡°When I want it, I¡¯ll take it. For now, you can keep it. Don¡¯t think this is because I trust you. I just don¡¯t wear jewelry. Got it?¡± she asks with a glare.

    So hot!

    Her glare vanishes when she notices my boner. ¡°Let¡¯s just find the rest of the team.¡±

    ¡°Good thinking, co-captain.¡± I say, putting an arm around her shoulder.

    ¡°Damn you! I¡¯m stronger, more popular, experienced and a total badass! Why do they want you!?¡± yells Rival in disbelief.

    ¡°I¡¯m the Main Character! Hot guys like you only exist in harem anime to be overcome by the generic protagonist and as eye candy for the ladies. Get used to being sidelined!¡± I exclaim, knocking Rival over with my powerful words.

    He crawls away from me and then gets back on his feet.

    ¡°Hey, so you better not abandon us again idiot,¡± says Tsundy, slugging my shoulder.

    ¡°If I do, you have my permission to break one of my arms.¡±

    ¡°One arm and one leg.¡±

    I smile. ¡°Alright, deal.¡±

    ¡°Look at you getting all chummy. Come on, we know you want Tsundy,¡± says Rival.

    Despite being the obviously perverted protagonist, I¡¯m going to give you the shy virgin male response.

    ¡°I-I-I don¡¯t like her.¡±

    ¡°That¡¯s not what it says here.¡± Rival picks up Stalker¡¯s notebook. ¡°Oh wow, Harem D has such a huge sword! I wouldn¡¯t mind getting stabbed by that.¡±

    My hair snatches the journal from his hand. ¡°Shut up!¡±

    ¡°You talking to me or your homoerotic thoughts?¡±

    ¡°I did not say that!¡±

    ¡°Of course not. You were thinking it,¡± says Rival with a grin.

    ¡°Were you really thinking that?¡± asks Tsundy with wide eyes.

    ¡°He¡¯s lying. Hey, Rival, why don¡¯t you go annoy someone else?¡± I say, flicking him off.

    ¡°But you¡¯re so fun to mess with,¡± he says, his hair stretching out to flick my forehead.

    ¡°Seriously, go away. Characters like you should only appear so often.¡±

    ¡°Alright Main, I concede this time. But mark my furious words: I¡¯m going to kill you! And then I¡¯m going to send your corpse to Stalker as an anonymous gift! I¡¯m not giving up my mantle so easily!¡± Rival smiles. ¡°Oh yeah, and I¡¯ll still help you out when you need me as promised.¡± He then points a spiky fist at me. ¡°Mark my burning vengeance! Next time we meet, I won¡¯t hold back,¡± he says through clenched teeth before running off.

    Fruity, who apparently is a male like everyone but Stalker, rushes up to me. I wouldn¡¯t say she had an urgent look on her face, but she was fidgeting.

    ¡°Glasses Kid is dying. It¡¯s like¡­kinda fatal. I need some help. If that¡¯s not too much trouble.¡±

    ¡°What do you mean he¡¯s dying?¡± I ask, jumping in surprise.

    ¡°Oh, well, like, he kinda sucks at living at the moment. His breathing is shallow like those popular girls. Don¡¯t you hate popular girls?¡± asks Fruity.

    ¡°Yeah, I do!¡± exclaims Tsundy. ¡°The way they just get worshiped for being plastic. Dumb, wax figures.¡±

    ¡°Yeah, they¡¯re just mannequins with make-up,¡± says Fruity. ¡°Ha-ha-ha-ha.¡±

    ¡°Hey! This whole cute girl bonding thing, it can wait. We have to save Glasses Kid.¡±

    ¡°Oh, well, like there¡¯s no rush. He said not to worry or whatever. Then he passed out,¡± says Fruity. ¡°And like we were in the middle of a conversation too. Rude much.¡±

    ¡°Tell me about it. There was this CatBoy soldier who I was suffocating between my legs and he had the nerve to die before I came. So rude.¡±

    ¡°Where is he?¡± I ask with urgency.

    ¡°Oh, like¡­¡± Fruity looks around the area. ¡°Not sure. All the trees kinda look the same. He¡¯s nearby¡­ish.¡± She shrugs.

    Okay, I have to find Glasses Kid without them. This is life or death.

    ¡°Hold up. Before I go, can you take off your clothes?¡± I ask Fruity with a serious look.

    ¡°Like no way, creep,¡± says Fruity.

    Tsundy rushes up to me and uppercuts me. ¡°You damn raging pervert!¡±

    I am sent flying through the forest. My hair shields my landing. I sit up and see Glasses Kid next to me.

    Looks like if I can use my retcon to influence the plot in other ways too. It¡¯s too bad the recharge time is a whole episode.

    ¡°Hey, twerp. Games over. Get up.¡±

    Glasses Kid is silent.

    ¡°The girls are bathing together so it¡¯s up to us to plan things out,¡± I say.

    ¡°Lies. If they were bathing, you¡¯d be spying on them from what you deem as a respectful distance.¡±

    ¡°You¡¯re not dying at all, are you?¡± I ask, removing the leaf coving his face.

    ¡°We¡¯re all dying, but it is coming sooner than expected,¡± says Glasses Kid, his face as pale as a ghost.

    ¡°What in Okami Tezuka¡¯s glorious name happened to you?¡±

    ¡°I¡¯m glad you¡¯re here. Before I go¡­I wanted to¡­¡±

    ¡°Yeah. What do you need? You¡¯re my friend. How can I help?¡±

    ¡°I just wanted to laugh in your face,¡± he says, weakly smiling.

    Geez, his smug face is so pathetic I don¡¯t even want to punch him.

    ¡°Judging by the fact that you¡¯re here with me and not having sex. I assume you found out that all of harem¡¯s members are Traps, right?¡±

    ¡°Well, the socially correct term is transsexual, but yeah. Are you dying because of something Kuu gave you?¡±

    ¡°Oh, so you renamed Harem too? I¡¯m guessing you were fighting Rival then.¡±

    ¡°How do you know all that?¡±

    ¡°I¡¯m just making an educated guess. And to answer your question, Kuu actually set up my immunity to what is currently killing me.¡±

    ¡°Were you poisoned? Who was it? Did Nasuke do this to you?¡±

    ¡°That Tomboy hero isn¡¯t clever enough to poison me. I guess I¡¯m just not worthy. How can someone like you be compatible, but not me?¡± Glasses Kid coughs and his eyes tear up.

    ¡°Ha! You¡¯re crying. What a wuss? I¡¯d mock you more but you¡¯re dying so I¡¯m starting to feel guilty about it.¡±

    ¡°You really going to let guilt get in the way of your last chance at revenge? Tsk tsk, Main. I thought I had taught you better.¡±

    ¡°Little whiny baby gonna cry all the way to the afterlife.¡± I stick out my tongue.

    Glasses Kid smiles at me. ¡°Good. I need to know that you¡¯ll carry on my mischievous spirit.¡±

    ¡°You can¡¯t die.¡±

    ¡°Sadly that isn¡¯t true.¡±

    ¡°If you die, I¡¯m going to have sex with your roleplay sister, Fruity. Ha! Now you have to live. No way you¡¯ll let me do that!¡±

    ¡°Making jokes even now. Perhaps I was too ambitious yet lacking in charisma. Thank you, Main. I¡­I understand why I¡¯m dying now.¡±

    ¡°Well I don¡¯t! Who attacked you?¡±

    ¡°It wasn¡¯t an attack. It was a kiss. A kiss from an angel.¡±

    ¡°You¡¯re dying because Stalker kissed you. What, did you visit Newkama island recently or something?¡±

    ¡°Never mention that name.¡±

    ¡°Yeah, good point.¡±

    Glasses Kid grabs my hand. ¡°Those who are strong gain powers from the kiss, but those who are weak¡­like me. Our body can¡¯t handle it and the angel¡¯s seed poisons our veins. I thought I could deter the effects with some medicines I made from the local flora, but the condition is worsening by the second.¡±

    ¡°Can¡¯t she heal you?¡±

    ¡°Not from this.¡± Glasses Kid points up at the moon. ¡°You went up there. Was there a grave for me?¡±

    ¡°No¡­I didn¡¯t see one. But I can make you a grave. Just don¡¯t expect me to visit it, okay? Ghosts are supposed to scare me. It¡¯s a cheap gag, but it¡¯s also a popular one.¡±

    ¡°You know the truth about Stalker then?¡±

    ¡°Yeah, she¡¯s the last female on SteamPunk,¡± I say softly. ¡°Your big sister is really a big brother.¡±

    ¡°You¡¯ll be joining me soon after Rival kills you. I give it a week.¡± Glasses Kid flicks a rock at the back of my head.

    What the hell, how did he know all that? Is he psychic?

    ¡°No I¡¯m not psychic. I¡¯m just looking through Stalker¡¯s journal. I had no idea you looked up to me so much,¡± he says with pride.

    When did he steal it?

    I snatch the book from his hand and look at the most recent entry.

    ¡°It documents everything even when she is away. It¡¯s a rather impressive tool.¡± Glasses Kid coughs again. His body starts shaking.

    ¡°Do you think a part of her is always watching me? If so then, she knows you¡¯re in danger. She¡¯ll be here any minute.¡±

    ¡°She wouldn¡¯t bother reading it if she knew everything. The diary is like another entity, a watchful angel that examines everything her hero does. And she isn¡¯t coming. She went off with Best Friend. I was spying on them flirting before I had to lie down. But it¡¯s fine. As long as I can laugh at your broken dreams of being with a bunch of women at once, I can be at peace.¡±  Glasses Kid holds his shivering body.

    She¡¯s with Best Friend! No way! Not gonna let him befriend her before me!

    ¡°Runt, are you there?¡± I ask.

    Runt peaks out from the bushes.

    ¡°Good. Watch over Glasses Kid. Tell me if he makes any funny sounds when he croaks. Wake me up if I¡¯m in danger.¡±

    ¡°Um, okay,¡± says Runt.

    Glasses Kid coughs violently. ¡°My eyesight is gone and my hearing is fading. Who are you talking to?¡±

    I close my eyes.

    I¡¯m the main character of my story, but Stalker is the protagonist of her own.

    I am lying in Best Friend¡¯s lap just enjoying the moment.

    ¡°You really think I¡¯m special?¡±

    ¡°Yes, and so does Main. He just doesn¡¯t like showing it.¡± Best Friend pats my head.

    I love his head pats.

    ¡°Thanks for cheering me up. I just can¡¯t believe Main betrayed my love¡­after everything we¡¯ve been through,¡± I say, wiping away my tears.

    ¡°Main wasn¡¯t betraying you. He is merely trying to prove something to himself,¡± says Best Friend.

    ¡°What exactly does having sex with a bunch of guys prove?¡± I ask, crossing my arms.

    Best Friend falls over, while sitting down mind you. ¡°Those were guys! I have to warn him!¡± he yells, standing up.

    ¡°Please don¡¯t leave me,¡± I say with teary eyes.

    ¡°It¡¯s probably too late to warn him anyways. Why are they all guys? Is Old Dude toying with my guiding star?¡± asks Best Friend with a dark glare.

    ¡°It¡¯s not like that. Every day, there are less girls because of Flam¡¯s armies and those mean machine samurai. I was sent to Earth by the Old Dude to find a hero that can stop Flam. As long as I¡¯m around, then Main is in danger. I¡¯m sorry. I¡¯m only telling you now because¡­I think I should leave,¡± I say with a sad lump in my throat.

    ¡°Who will keep you safe if you leave?¡± asks Best Friend.

    ¡°If Main isn¡¯t going to be with me, then I might as well be dead! He¡¯s my last hero. My final chance at having a real relationship. I love him mega tons! I really do!¡±

    ¡°Then stay with him. Stay with us. Your life is too valuable to be discarded. If you die, then the balance of power shifts in the true enemy¡¯s favor,¡± says Best Friend with a grim look.

    ¡°I don¡¯t care anymore! I¡¯m tired of loving and losing. Fighting and hurting. I¡¯m tired of walking a road of hope that always ends at an ugly dead end of despair.¡±

    ¡°Fine then. If you leave, then I¡¯ll kill you. Better to die at my hands then be another tool for Flam.¡±

    ¡°You¡­you know about that?¡±

    ¡°About what?¡±

    I still have to save them. I won¡¯t abandon my people.

    ¡°I¡­I can¡¯t give up yet! I¡¯m going to keep Main safe whether he loves me or not. It¡¯s my dharma as an angel! But this time it¡¯s also my choice.¡±

    ¡°So does this mean you¡¯re giving up on your sexual pursuit of him?¡±

    ¡°No way! I will take his virginity even if I have to tie him down and tickle him!¡± I exclaim, brimming with determination.

    ¡°I respect that tenacity. I think Main would respect your determination too. Just not enough to drop his pants for you.¡±

    I cover my mouth as I giggle.

    ¡°Main is strong though. And his hair reacts subconsciously so it won¡¯t be easy to get the drop on him,¡± says Best Friend with a smile.

    ¡°I know. That¡¯s why I¡¯ll strike at any moment! Right when he at least expects it!¡± exclaims Stalker excitedly.

    ¡°Good. He needs to be aware at each moment. It will be good for you to constantly keep him on his toes. I won¡¯t interfere. But can I watch? I don¡¯t want to miss his first time,¡± says Best Friend with shimmering eyes.

    ¡°Don¡¯t worry about that. What kind of Stalker would I be if I didn¡¯t have a camera? There¡¯s a way to relive any experience in my journal. Here, I¡¯ll show you.¡± I try to summon up my journal. ¡°Oh yeah¡­I threw it away. I was just so upset.¡±

    Best Friend holds me in his arms. ¡°Calm your mind and try again.¡±

    I close my eyes and focus on all the happy memories I¡¯ve shared with Main that he¡¯ll never know about. All those showers, moments at the beach and that time I peed in his lemonade. All secret memories I¡¯ll always cherish.

    My eyes open and my Main Hero Dairy is in my hands.

    ¡°Why are you holding back your power? You¡¯re capable of so much more than you¡¯ve shown us,¡± says Best Friend, peering into me.

    ¡°Oh, well I want to be the heroine love interest. So I thought if I get caught a lot, then Main would eventually fall for me. If I¡¯m useful, he might lose interest or get jealous,¡± I say with a sigh.

    ¡°No clich¨¦¡¯ heroine like that will ever be good enough for my boy. I wouldn¡¯t allow a girl like that to be with him anyway. If you want him, you must shine like Kiraru! Dazzle him with your true power!¡± exclaims Best Friend holding my arms up to the sky.

    ¡°But I want him to rescue me! It makes me feel loved. Hey, he was lying about not saving me, right?¡±

    ¡°No. Sadly. He chose his Harem over your life.¡±

    I take in a deep breath. ¡°Well, I¡¯m just going to pretend he saved me anyways.¡± I smile through my tears. ¡°And yeah, I¡¯ll use my powers a little. But don¡¯t expect any big stuff till later.¡±

    ¡°Fair enough. Now, I have to ask¡­why have you been rubbing my nipples this entire time?¡± asks Best Friend nonchalantly, looking down at me.

    I press up against Best Friend and whisper in his ear before giggling.

    ¡°Sorry, I don¡¯t like it. You¡¯ve never acted this way before. You¡¯re not one to compromise. What¡¯s going on?¡± asks Best Friend, peering into my eyes.

    ¡°I just want to find out what turns you on,¡± I say as I gently lick his ear.

    ¡°That little whore! How dare she try to take Best Friend away from me!?¡± I yell, coming back into my point of view.

    ¡°Ha! You¡¯re got replaced rather quickly,¡± says Glasses Kid, still alive unfortunately. ¡°I can¡¯t believe a girl like her exists. I thought they only existed in the darkest depths of the hentai-verse,¡± he says with academic awe.

    ¡°This is all my fault! Now her and Best Friend are going to elope.¡±

    ¡°I doubt he¡¯s aware of such things. But it¡¯s so obvious. You broke her heart so she¡¯s trying to steal your best friend. Or in her moment of desperation she is grasping for the slightest chance of love. That¡¯s how I got my kiss, after all. Or she knows you¡¯re watching and is trying to piss you off. Or perhaps she¡¯s just a sex kitten!? Damn him. All I got was a single kiss. I want her to seduce me,¡± says Glasses Kid with a pouty face.

    Foolish teacher, he couldn¡¯t be more wrong.

    I hold my hand to my chest. Tears rush down my face.

    She remembered. Even after I broke her heart¡­she remembered my request.

    I close my eyes again to spy on my dear friend.

    Best Friend looks at me curiously. ¡°Why do you want to know that? I fail to see how that knowledge will help you accomplish your dharma. Are you practicing your seduction on me for him?¡±

    I stand tall and puff out my chest. ¡°I¡¯m well versed in the intricacies of the art of kissing. And I have taken several classes on foreplay. I know how to seduce heroes,¡± I say, slowly rubbing up against Best Friend¡¯s chest with my on.

    ¡°Then why practice on me?¡± asks Best Friend with a confused look.

    ¡°This isn¡¯t doing anything for you? Not at all?¡± I ask Stalker, a little frustrated.

    ¡°Not in particular. What are you trying to do exactly?¡± asks Best Friend annoyed.

    ¡°Do you like girls? Do you like women? What do you like?¡± I ask curiously.

    ¡°I like pandas?¡±

    ¡°Huh?¡±

    ¡°Relax. It¡¯s just an anime refrence. Honestly, I¡¯m not sexually aroused by girls or women. As for what I like¡­well, blood is¡­warm,¡± says Best Friend with a genuine smile.

    ¡°Okay¡­so um¡­blood turns you on?¡± My hands stop rubbing his chest and I take a step back.

    ¡°I guess you could say that. Then again, I don¡¯t know when the last time I was truly on,¡± says Best Friend solemnly.

    ¡°So, like when you¡¯re fighting¡­you get sexually aroused?¡± I ask with a raised eyebrow.

    ¡°No, that¡¯s TomCat¡¯s kink. It¡¯s only when I¡¯m shedding blood, not inflicting pain. But it¡¯s nothing sexual. It makes me feel warm inside. Like little moths are fluttering in my heart. Is that strange?¡± asks Best Friend.

    ¡°Not at all! Is there anything else?¡± asks Stalker weirded out.

    ¡°Well yes¡­but it¡¯s rather odd,¡± says Best Friend before a flurry of knives shot toward him. He leaps off the ground, dodging the attack with ease. ¡°Who is out there?¡± he asks, forming blood kunai between his fingers.

    ¡°I am General Mew Nyah! I am here for Stalker! Hand her over and no blood will be shed,¡± he says threateningly.

    ¡°That sounds boring. How about I skin you instead?¡± asks Best Friend, flinging the kunai into the cat¡¯s skull.

    The CatBoy general¡¯s body is suddenly sliced to ribbons by a shadowy figure. ¡°Surrender her now,¡± says a familiar voice.

    Daddy?

    Assailant emerges from his shadow.

    And that¡¯s where this episode is ending! Wow! Assailant betrayed his daughter!? You must have so many questions! I know I sure do! Well, you¡¯ll have to wait till the next episode drops. We are nearing the end of the season so expect some big surprises!

    This may seem rather sudden, but time for the ending song. I don¡¯t really feel like it because I want Stalker to get captured already so I can rescue her. But I¡¯ll do it anyway.

    What is this? Is fate making fun of me again? It¡¯s every member of Harem. They¡¯re all wearing different sexy outfits! This is so tempting. But I must stay focused on my quest. I won¡¯t be swayed by boobs. Wait a second, where is Boobs?

    Next time on Main character: The last episode¡­of season one¡­maybe. There¡¯s sure to be an epic battle with Flam! Assailant¡¯s true colors will be revealed! There¡¯s also a cute star thingy. Oh yeah and Stalker finally fights. All that and possibly more on the next episode of The Main Character!

 Episode 12: The First Seasons Finale! Hopefully an Epic Battle!

    <h1>Episode 12 Part 1</a></h1>

    My thoughts exactly, floating title. I¡¯ll be crossing my fingers, toes and legs right with you. I¡¯m sure our eager audience is on the cliff right now. You want to know why Assailant defected, right? Well too bad, time for the opening!

    I spy on my teammates. Yeah! I¡¯m an awesome guy. And now I¡¯m watching her rub Best Friend¡¯s chest seductively¡­enticingly! Now there¡¯s a slide show of a bunch of people I mostly know. Is this the end of Season 1 or not? It¡¯s making me question how much longer this will drag on. Damn fillers! Then my hand is reaching out to her hand. It¡¯s so soft! Now all the harem girls are messing up my friend-time! But then I jump in and let Stalker get captured! Yes, now I can properly rescue her. I¡¯m clenching my fist on top of a mountain of various verbs. Holy shit that¡¯s artsy and cool! I¡¯m then knocked back by Stalker¡¯s sudden dive-bomb. I rip her off my chest and then I run away to continue my fight. No matter what, I won¡¯t die a bodyguard! And there is only one reason why. It¡¯s because I¡¯m The Main Character! Me me me! The Main Character! Hell¡¯s yeah! I¡¯m The Main Character! And Stalker is my one and only heroine.¡±

    Alright. I got my opening power perk. Now let¡¯s get right back into the action with Stalker¡¯s POV.

    ¡°Explain yourself now,¡± says Best Friend, his palm turning red and aiming at my daddy.

    I sprout wings and fly into a hug with Daddy. ¡°I was so worried!¡±

    Daddykins pats my head. ¡°I¡¯m sorry, dumpling. I wasn¡¯t able to rescue you in time.¡±

    ¡°Were you captured?¡±

    ¡°Flam has a powerful RiftRipper on his side. One that has been turned into his slave.¡± Tears pour from Father¡¯s body. ¡°I am a total failure.¡±

    I snuggle away Poppa¡¯s tears. ¡°It¡¯s not your fault. And I¡¯m safe, so no more sadness.¡± I smile up at him.

    ¡°Flam has issued a kill order on you. You have to come with me so you¡¯ll be safe.¡± Papi creates a portal.

    Best Friend tears me out from my otousan¡¯s arms with a blood whip. ¡°You failed to mention how you escaped. Stalker, I¡¯m not so sure this is truly your father and if he is, then he may be compromised.¡±

    It has to be him. Daddy is too strong to die.

    ¡°Daddy, tell me something only you would know,¡± I say, looking up at him with hope.

    ¡°The enemy is on its way. There¡¯s no time to argue. A good daughter always trusts her father. Come with me, Honeybun,¡± he says in a tender voice.

    ¡°I¡¯m going to stay and fight. If I leave, then Main is going to die.¡±

    ¡°Yes, yes, but we can get you a new hero. One who respects you and won¡¯t abandon you.¡±

    ¡°Yeah, he abandoned me, but I still have obligations! I¡¯m not going to let him die!¡±

    ¡°I hope you¡¯ll forgive me when my blades are drenched in his blood.¡±

    ¡°Never.¡± Best Friend sends blood bullets at my papa who swiftly dodges.

    ¡°Why would you kill him?¡± I ask with fear.

    ¡°To free you. I only want the best for my little peach,¡± says Assailant while his steel blades slice Best Friend.

    ¡°Harming you will bring him out.¡±

    ¡°It¡¯s not so simple. He isn¡¯t watching. He can¡¯t feel my pain.¡± Best Friend shapes the blood from his wounds and slices Daddy¡¯s tendrils.

    I¡¯m suddenly lifted off the ground. ¡°Why are you just sitting there, you moron. Run!¡± yells TomCat.

    ¡°No. I can convince him to stop this.¡±

    ¡°He¡¯ll kill you. He¡¯s a ruthless tool of ISEKAI.¡± TomCat¡¯s whole body was shaking. ¡°Main saved my friend so if I save you, then we¡¯re even. So get your little ass out of here.¡±

    ¡°The hero draws near,¡± says Assailant, slicing a tree to shreds.

    Best friend spin kicks the wood blocks at my papa. ¡°He¡¯s here!? How could I not have sensed him? Wait¡­activate Mother¡¯s Intuition. Ah, you¡¯re right. He¡¯s here and he¡¯s waiting for the right moment.¡± Best Friend smiled.

    ¡°What the hell is he waiting for? We¡¯re being attacked.¡± TomCat punches a rock, sending the fragments into Daddy.

    Best Friend grabs the blood from his sword and turns them into throwing knives, shrinking the size of his blade with each one. ¡°He¡¯ll want something more showy. I know how he is.¡±

    ¡°A real hero would be here already. His absence proves he is unfit to be your protector. I love you dearly. I¡¯ve always protected you and I will forever continue to be your guardian,¡± says Assailant, keeping both Best Friend and TomCat busy as he approaches me.

    ¡°Daddy, you probably think you¡¯re doing what¡¯s best for me. But Main will protect me. I¡¯m staying with him,¡± I say, stamping my foot down.

    ¡°But he didn¡¯t save you. He left you to die.¡±

    ¡°I don¡¯t care! I gave my little heart to Main. And whether he rejects it or accepts it, that¡¯s where my heart resides now. I put my faith in Main, and that¡¯s where it shall remain!¡±

    I can¡¯t leave Main. I won¡¯t abandon my duty as an angel. I need him and he needs me.

    ¡°If he won¡¯t come out, then I¡¯ll bring you to safety as per my original plan. Know I only do this out of fatherly love,¡± says Assailant as tentacles grew out from beneath his cloak.

    ¡°Best Friend, TomCat, stand down.¡±

    ¡°You aren¡¯t my boss!¡± yells TomCat.

    Best Friend steps in her way and nods to me.

    I look up at Daddy. ¡°It¡¯s time to show Main I¡¯m not just another damsel in need of rescue.¡± My angel wings sprout.

    Assailant¡¯s tentacles shoot forward and tear me from the air.

    I close my eyes and imagine my body molding into a shield around my hero.

    My hands glow. ¡°I am Main¡¯s shield!¡± I yell with support loli resolve.

    The light forms into a shield that shoots out and slams into Papa, knocking him into the air. I raise my hands. Light energy erupts from my fingertips. Four shields form around Assailant in mid-air. They clump together, trapping him inside.This story originates from a different website. Ensure the author gets the support they deserve by reading it there.

    Best Friend watches with awe.

    ¡°I¡¯m staying with Main forever!¡± I yell.

    The shield falls to the ground before being sent rolling away at super duper high speeds.

    That was so awesome!

    I high five myself.

    Glasses Kid approaches, clapping. ¡°Truly incredible! There¡¯s no other girl like you,¡± he says, totally smitten.

    ¡°Um, aren¡¯t you dying? Did you forget or something?¡± asks TomCat, approaching him.

    Glasses Kid takes out his Epad and swipes it in TomCat¡¯s direction.

    She blushes.

    ¡°You were just thinking about how hot I¡¯d be if I was a pretty girl, weren¡¯t you?¡± he asks with a mischievous grin.

    ¡°If you¡¯re so smart then why are you messing with me?¡± She approaches with killer intent.

    ¡°Hold up.¡± He lifts his shirt, showing a purple mark.

    ¡°A LovuLeechi? Are you crazy?¡±

    ¡°I prefer the term mad genius. Fruity and I are connected. What I feel, she feels. So when you grabbed her butt, I felt those rough hands. Also, the death of one LovuLeechi will result in the unfortunate and excruciatingly painful death of the host of the other LovuLeechi.¡±

    TomCat glares at him.

    I step in between them. ¡°Stop fighting. And where did you get the Leechi? I want one! No! I want two!¡± I bend down and draw it as best I can in my mystical creature journal.

    Best Friend approaches. ¡°The LovuLeechi, sibling leeches with a bond so powerful, it resonates with the host.¡±

    ¡°Whoa. Exposition is my thing,¡± says Glasses Kid.

    Best Friend hugs himself. ¡°Such a beautiful creature. But impossibly rare. How did you find them?¡±

    ¡°Harem H had two with her. I traded some Bong Leaves for them.¡± He shrugs and then turns to TomCat. ¡°Now, are you going to be a good kitty?¡±

    She glares at him.

    He flicks the purple spot, causing Fruity to scream in pain in the distance.

    TomCat gets down on her knees.

    ¡°Paw.¡±

    She puts out her paw and he shakes it.

    ¡°Good kitty,¡± he rubs her head.

    ¡°Meow,¡± says TomCat in a dark voice.

    Best Friend approaches puts a cage of blood blades around Glasses Kid¡¯s head. ¡°I¡¯m not upset.¡±

    ¡°Well you could have fooled me,¡± says Glasses Kid with terror.

    ¡°I just want you to know that if you ever poison or do anything to my dear Main¡­I shall draw a mural of your death using your own blood,¡± says Best Friend. ¡°So, where is he? You made us think he was here with that new power, didn¡¯t you?¡±

    Glasses Kid reaches into his infinity pouch and gives Best Friend a gold star sticker. ¡°Very good. Now, do realize that by doing so I actually kept Assailant in close proximity to us and away from Main. I¡¯m not your enemy. Far from it.¡±

    ¡°I decide who my enemies are.¡±

    TomCat glares at Glasses Kid. ¡°How did you get new powers anyway?¡±

    ¡°The divine kiss from our holy angel.¡±

    ¡°Wait, you pretended to like me just to get the kiss?¡± I start to cry.

    ¡°I always wanted a kiss from you. After receiving such a blessing and not take it like those degenerates¡­I could die in relative bliss. I say relative because the pain is quite unbearable. I nearly died, but the great Source of indifference chose to keep me alive. Perhaps a meritocracy worldview of the cosmos is the proper one, after all.¡±

    ¡°Don¡¯t be foolish enough to think you are beyond karma,¡± says Best Friend.

    ¡°Shouldn¡¯t we go find Main or is he still busy?¡± I ask with a frown.

    It¡¯s not my fault I don¡¯t have a boy sword. I can¡¯t help being born a girl. Why are my first and last heroes both gay? It¡¯s just no fair.

    A machine samurai suddenly fall from the skies. ¡°Target two located. Preparing for capture.¡±

    TomCat punches the machine. ¡°Target two? Damn it! They¡¯re after Fruity.¡± She runs off.

    ¡°Why go after a little girl like her?¡± Best Friend removes his shirt, revealing breasts. ¡°When you can have a fertile woman like me?¡±

    Huh? He¡¯s a guy. I¡¯ve seen his bare chest just today. I was rubbing it.

    Main suddenly drops from above, landing on the machine samurai. ¡°The hero has arrived.¡±

    My hair covers the robot warrior, creating a prison.

    Okay. Two questions. One: why does Best Friend have juicy tits? Two: how long can I resist squeezing those puppies?

    ¡°I¡¯m here to save you. I saw you defeat Assailant. Great work.¡± I pat Stalker¡¯s head with an extended hair hand.

    ¡°You were peeping on me?¡± she asks with shimmering eyes.

    ¡°Watching over you without any regard for your privacy. I learned it from you.¡±

    ¡°You¡¯ve already grown so powerful,¡± says Best Friend with a prideful smile.

    ¡°And you¡¯ve grown too.¡± I stare at his breasts.

    ¡°A simple diversion is all these are.¡± Best Friend squeezes the blood out from his breasts and turns the liquid into a spear.

    Pecs that shoot plasma. Is there anything he can¡¯t do?

    ¡°You¡¯re a trap?¡± asks the machine samurai, still stuck in my hair.

    ¡°Maybe,¡± says Best Friend, blowing the machine a kiss.

    ¡°Many heroes try to get in our way. All fail.¡± The machine samurai¡¯s shoulder pipes release steam that blinds me.

    That would work, if I didn¡¯t already capture you.

    ¡°Main, get away from it!¡± yells Best Friend, rushing in.

    Suddenly the steam ignites and my hair, my super sleek and sexy protagonist hair, is set on fire.

    Best Friend gouges his stomach open, spraying as much blood as possible to put out the flames.

    The machine samurai emerges from my burning hair and heads toward Stalker as I scream in agony. It pulls out an empty sword hilt that then releases steam. ¡°Death to all LustBorne!¡± It plunges the sword into her.

    Stalker looks terrified but not hurt.

    Dandy suddenly phases into existence.

    No. It¡¯s not like I wasn¡¯t paying attention. She absolutely appeared out of thin air. It¡¯s a cheap Deus Ex Machina, but considering my circumstance, I¡¯m not complaining.

    ¡°You¡¯re a trap, aren¡¯t you? The lost princess of the Blink Kingdom. Who told you I was coming?¡±

    Yandy jumps out and slices the robot with her katana cleaver. ¡°I can smell that sweet pink oil from a mile away!¡±

    The machine samurai nods and then uses the steam jetpack to fly off to the sky.

    Tsundy rushes up to Yandy. ¡°You need a lift?¡±

    ¡°Give it to me, sister!¡± exclaims Yandy with a crazed grin.

    Tsundy¡¯s fist glows before she launches Yandy with a powerful punch.

    The punch sends Yandy swooping to the fleeing machine.

    ¡°We aren¡¯t just warriors. We¡¯re predators,¡± she says before slicing the machine open.

    How did I hear what she said despite the absurd distance? Honestly, I have no clue.

    Yandy lands, breaking her legs in the process.

    ¡°Are you alright?¡± asks Tsundy, hoisting her comrade onto her shoulders.

    Yandy looks up at her with a pink oil-soaked grin of zen.

    Stalker applies her saliva to my hair but it doesn¡¯t heal. ¡°Why isn¡¯t it working?¡±

    I look to my side to see that Best Friend is drenched in her saliva.

    She must have used all her energy to keep him alive. Good thinking on her part.

    ¡°Hey.¡± Tsundy approaches us. ¡°That was just a scout. There are going to be more renegades on the way. And maybe even another squad nearby. We found a cave not too far from here. The other members of Harem are bringing your allies there. So get that sweet ass in gear,¡± she says, spanking me.

    Boy or not. Getting punished by that cutie would be amazing. Focus, Main. I¡¯m okay with Stalker getting captured, but if there are many enemies and I¡¯m partially bald, then she won¡¯t be the only one at risk.

    Brawny Babe signals from the distance. ¡°Follow.¡± She says.

    Oh wait, is she a he? No way. She¡¯s waaaay too strong to be a dude. Oh shit, did I just say something transphobic by trying to cater to feminists? Damn it!

    We all rush into the cave opening.

    Please, let this not just be full of Zubats.

    ¡°We made it! Nothing like a dead-end cave to hide from on oncoming army,¡± I say, without any sarcasm mind you.

    ¡°Stalker, can you light up the place a bit?¡± asks Best Friend.

    ¡°Not so fast. We don¡¯t want her being too useful now. She is still the heroine. Stalker, grab onto my leg and look frightened,¡± I say with a smile.

    ¡°With pleasure!¡± she exclaims, straddling my leg.

    Wow, she feels so soft.

    ¡°Main, I¡¯m scared! What if there are ghosts here!? You won¡¯t let them¡­um¡­scare me, will you?¡± asks Stalker, trying way too hard.

    ¡°Don¡¯t worry. I¡¯ll send them packing,¡± I say confidently.

    ¡°What happened to your fake ghost phobia?¡± asks Glasses Kid.

    ¡°Oh, I still have it but I¡¯m hiding it to look strong so Stalker doesn¡¯t get scared.¡±

    ¡°But you¡¯re both faking it,¡± says Tsundy, rolling her eyes.

    ¡°Ghosts are really scary¡­I think. They should always haunt your dreams,¡± says Dandy softly.

    ¡°Lay your false fears to rest. Ghosts tend to stay in the place they died. So as long as we don¡¯t find any skeletons, there shouldn¡¯t be anything to worry about,¡± says Glasses Kid comfortingly, leading the way.

    A loud crunch was heard.

    ¡°I think I may have broken something,¡± says Best Friend apologetically.

    Stalker reaches down and picks up the object to see that it¡¯s a skull. She shines a little light ahead.

    The entire path is filled with skeletons of all sorts and even a few corpses. This is bad even if you¡¯re not superstitious.

    ¡°Main! Hold me!¡± squealed Stalker in terror.

    I pick her up and hold her to my chest. ¡°Don¡¯t worry, I¡¯ll keep you safe. Bakuman lose your power. Bakuman lose your power,¡± I chant, warding off any ghosts in the area.

    ¡°Are you an idiot!? You need scrolls to fend off ghosts! Chanting is pointless without them!¡± yells Glasses Kid upset.

    ¡°Hey¡­ how come a lot of the dead guys are covering their eyes?¡± asks Best Friend.

    ¡°Dey were all swaughtered!¡± cheers a squeaky voice from the darkness.

 This Had Better Not Be a Filler Episode!

    Episode 12: Part 2

    When you hear a silly voice say something unsettling, it rattles your bones. Upon hearing that squeaky voice, a pang of terror shot up my epic spine. Ok it didn¡¯t, but if this is really the final episode of the first season, then I have to make it more dramatic somehow.

    Best Friend stands in front of me, but regrettably it¡¯s so close that I can¡¯t check out his booty. ¡°Come out wherever your hiding and meet your end,¡± he says, biting into his hand to form a sword.

    He catches Tsundy beaming at him and glares at her.

    Yeah, that ship has sailed and been set on fire by your own hand. He¡¯s all mine now, Tsundy.

    ¡°Why are we just standing here! Whoever said that is probably stashing away buckets of blood in their body! I¡¯m gonna keep cutting till I hit the jackpot!¡± yells Yandy, rushing ahead through the tunnel.

    ¡°Boo!¡± exclaims a voice behind me.

    I turn around and punch whoever did that in the face.

    ¡°You hit me. I¡¯m bruised,¡± says Dandy, holding the mark fondly.

    ¡°You¡¯re welcome? I wasn¡¯t scared by the way. It¡¯s just a badass reflex.¡± I pose, showing off my muscles and my hair goes around my arms to make them look bigger.

    ¡°You shouldn¡¯t hit her, moron. She gets unfocused when she¡¯s aroused,¡± said Tsundy, peering into the pure darkness ahead.

    ¡°Why don¡¯t you go and see if Yandy¡¯s alright?¡± asks Best Friend.

    Tsundy shuffles in place. ¡°Well, I¡¯m actually deathly afraid of the dark. It¡¯s a semi-mental thing.¡±

    Glasses Kid coughs. ¡°It¡¯s called sentimental.¡±

    ¡°You¡¯re scared of the dark or what could be hiding inside?¡± I ask, waving my hands around.

    ¡°I¡¯m afraid there¡¯s nothing inside.¡± Tears well up in her eyes. ¡°And I¡¯m tomboy enough to admit to my fears!¡±

    ¡°But not tomboy enough to face them. You do not make my heart tremble,¡± says Best Friend with an intense glare of disappointment.

    Tsundy was shaken to her core.

    I feel bad for her. That look¡­there¡¯s nothing in the universe more devastating. Sorry Majin Boob.

    ¡°I¡¯ll be your guide. Just be careful kay,¡± says Stalker, shining a light in front of us.

    Brawny Babe moves to the front and readies her bow. ¡°Bodies not killed.¡±

    ¡°Are you saying they got stuck here and died of old age?¡± asks Glasses Kid.

    ¡°Or maybe they¡¯re all skeleton enemies waiting to strike.¡± My hair juts out and crushes several skulls.

    ¡°Suicide.¡± Brawny Babe hoists up a fresh corpse. His finger are buried in his eyes. ¡°InaShikaCho.¡± Her face goes pale.

    ¡°We must leave now,¡± says Best Friend, grabbing my shirt sleeve.

    ¡°You can¡¯t!¡± whines Dandy.

    ¡°Why not?¡± asks Best Friend.

    She taps her fingers together. ¡°Well¡­umm I thought it would be more scary if we were all trapped here so I caused a¡­little cave in.¡±

    What the hell is wrong with this individual whose gender identity I fully respect but don¡¯t understand?

    ¡°She does this sometimes,¡± says Tsundy, scratching her head.

    ¡°Main doesn¡¯t have the defenses to combat mental attacks. He got a headache from Miss Leechy¡¯s info sessions. He will die.¡± Best Friend draws his blade. ¡°But she¡¯ll die first.¡± He points it at Dandy.

    ¡°Hey! Stop spoiling her! She¡¯s lying to upset you. That¡¯s what I meant. She created a barrier to keep the enemy off us. It will go away in about half an hour.¡± Tsundy looks at the dark beyond and gulps. ¡°Problem is I don¡¯t know if Yandy can last that long.¡±

    A wretched scream suddenly reverberates through the cave.

    ¡°Well, at least the traitor is dead.¡± Glasses Kid walks to the front and turns to us. ¡°Who will survive this ordeal. Oh, the excitement is blanketing me in its warmth.¡±

    ¡°She can¡¯t be dead,¡± says Dandy softly.

    ¡°And why is that? Because you¡¯re actually the traitor?¡± Glasses Kid smirks at her fiendishly.

    Dandy blushes. ¡°Huh? What?¡± She covers her face. ¡°Maybe.¡± She starts giggling with a dorky face.

    I whack Glasses Kid upside the head. ¡°One thing at a time. Let¡¯s get out of here! Then we can worry about locating the traitor.¡±

    ¡°What if the traitor led us here to kill us off. Did you think of that?¡± asks Glasses Kid.

    ¡°Not another word. We need to stay focused,¡± says Best Friend. ¡°Let¡¯s find a way out of here.¡±

    Tsundy crouches down to Glasses Kid. ¡°Why aren¡¯t you afraid?¡±

    ¡°Because I know the cure to suicide.¡±

    ¡°You do?¡± asks Stalker, drying her eyes.

    ¡°Yep. And I just told it to Yandy,¡± he says, pulling out his pad.

    ¡°Thank you!¡± Tsundy lifts him up and embraces him, smothering his face in the soft bounciness of boobs.

    Did he say that just to get boobage?

    ¡°Die! Shine! Kurosu!¡± yells Yandy in the distance.

    ¡°Looks like she located the enemy.¡±

    Tsundy crouches down and buries her face in the light of Stalker¡¯s hand. ¡°I¡¯m coming to save you!¡± she yells as she rushes off.

    ¡°That¡¯s two potential traitors down and no blood on our hands,¡± says Glasses Kid with a look of satisfaction.

    Dandy starts crying. ¡°No! You have to save them. I¡¯m the traitor. Please help them.¡±

    ¡°Wait, you really are the traitor?¡± I ask. ¡°Then Flam wasn¡¯t yanking my collar?¡±

    Glasses Kid puts his hands behind his head. ¡°She might be the traitor, buuuut she¡¯s also a liar. So there¡¯s really no way of knowing.¡± He walks ahead into the darkness.

    ¡°It¡¯s true I am a liar! But I know them and they aren¡¯t the traitors. They both care about heroes. I¡¯m the bad girl who only cares about myself.¡±

    ¡°If you¡¯re a girl then I¡¯m the princess of a backwater kingdom. More lies. You¡¯re wasting our time!¡± hollers Glasses Kid from the darkness.

    I grab Best Friend¡¯s arm. ¡°Are we really going to let them all die?¡±

    ¡°Not all of them.¡± He turns his blade on Dandy. ¡°Pure intent or not, ending your life would get rid of the barrier. Make amends for your life of selfishness. Go down on your knees and die.¡±

    ¡°Huh?¡± Dandy backs away into the darkness with a terrified face.

    Best Friend throws blood daggers at the shadows in the distance. ¡°Stalker, shine the light behind us now so I can end her and get us out of here!¡±

    ¡°No. She¡¯s not a bad person,¡± says Stalker, trembling in place.

    ¡°Do you want Main to die?¡± asks Best Friend.

    ¡°Hey hold it! If I survive without my harem then I¡¯m not worthy of being a hero. Yeah, there are two other members elsewhere, but two is just a damn love triangle. I worked hard for this harem and I won¡¯t lose it!¡± I rush into the darkness, swallowing my fear and brandishing my pride.

    ¡°Stop!¡± yells Best Friend.

    Something hits my foot and I fall to the ground. I yank it out. It¡¯s a blood kunai.

    ¡°You hurt me.¡± I look up at him with teary eyes.

    ¡°I¡¯d sever off your arms and legs if it was to protect you. I¡¯d even end your life,¡± he says with a quivering smile.

    Holy shit I have a raging hard on for this whole Yandere thing he¡¯s doing. To bad the blood is also rushing out from my leg wound.

    Glasses Kid pops out from the darkness. ¡°Haha! That was quite the show.¡±

    ¡°Wait. A show?¡± Best Friend picks up the little twerp. ¡°Did you make us hear those sounds?¡±

    Glasses Kid shakes his head. ¡°And I made you see the skeletons too. Look, you¡¯re not leaving this place without confronting InaShikaCho so stop stalling or I¡¯ll get bored.¡±

    ¡°You just don¡¯t want me killing the traitor. Maybe she¡¯s your ally,¡± says Best Friend.

    ¡°Brawny Babe, be a dear and tell him what InaShikaCho is.¡±

    She nods. ¡°Scary monster.¡±

    Glasses Kid rolls his eyes. ¡°It¡¯s a StarBourne and not just any StarBourne, It¡¯s a Primordial StarBourne.¡±

    ¡°Yes, shiny scary monster.¡± Brawny Bade nods.

    ¡°If you¡¯re lying, I¡¯ll slice out that tongue,¡± says Best Friend, putting a blade in Glasses Kid¡¯s mouth.

    ¡°You don¡¯t scare me. I¡¯m telling the truth and if you die trying to claim the star, then I¡¯ll be free regardless.¡±

    ¡°A StarBorne. Isn¡¯t that what powers up Flam¡¯s generals?¡± I ask.Find this and other great novels on the author''s preferred platform. Support original creators!

    ¡°How do you know that?¡± asks Best Friend.

    ¡°Wait. How do I know that? And hey, how do you know about them too?¡± I ask with a confused look.

    ¡°I lent him my Monsterpedia of Steam Punk,¡± says Glasses Kid with a shrug.

    ¡°Why didn¡¯t I ever get to see that?¡±

    ¡°Well, you don¡¯t like to read.¡±

    Oh yeah, good point.

    A bloodsoaked figure appears from the shadows.

    I scream like a grown man and Stalker pretends to be scared too so she has an excuse to jump into my arms.

    ¡°How powerful is it?¡± asks Best Friend, looking at the bloodied Yandy in front of him.

    ¡°It¡¯s cowardly!¡± The yandere slices her scarred arms with a knife in frustration. ¡°These are self-inflicted. The damn thing ran from me and it pissed me off!¡±

    Tsundy runs out from the shadows and hugs Yandy. ¡°Don¡¯t run off like that. I was so worried about you.¡± The tomboy cries in her friend¡¯s arms.

    Look. The pronoun game is too tricky to keep up with. So they¡¯re all going to be addressed as girls until they tell me what pronoun gets them wet. Got it? Good.

    Brawny Babe points to a spot in the darkness above us. ¡°Monster there.¡±

    ¡°Then shoot it,¡± says Best Friend.

    She shakes her head. ¡°Misfire could be dangerous.¡±

    Well then! Time for me to steal the scene and vanquish this beast!

    Runt tosses me Friendship. ¡°Got you covered!¡±

    ¡°Thanks!¡± I aim Friendship. ¡°The heart is the strongest weapon in the universe.¡±

    The gun backfires and steam comes out.

    ¡°Um, are you sick? I didn¡¯t think guns could get sick, unless they¡¯re also dogs,¡± I say, winking at Best Friend.

    ¡°InaShikaCho is an abomination,¡± says Friendship, quivering in my hands.

    ¡°Then as alchemists it¡¯s our duty to kill it while preaching about the importance of life,¡± I say with a thumbs up.

    ¡°I¡¯m a¡­failure too.¡±

    ¡°That would explain the dud shot.¡±

    ¡°No, you $#!+head! I refuse to hurt it¡­to hurt her. We¡¯re the same.¡±

    ¡°Well then what the hell are we supposed to do?¡± I ask, shaking my rocket launcher.

    ¡°You could try talking to it.¡±

    Glasses Kid shakes his head. ¡°Its voice is how it drives people to suicide. At least that¡¯s my hypothesis. There¡¯s a village at the end of the cave but we¡¯d have to get past that creature.¡±

    Best Friend closes his eyes and readies a blood spear. ¡°Not an option. We need that star.¡±

    ¡°Hey, I don¡¯t need some deus ex machina to beat Flam.¡±

    Best Friend looks away from me. ¡°Yes¡­you do. You¡¯re not strong enough.¡±

    He throws the spear and it stops in place. ¡°That¡¯s odd.¡±

    ¡°Nyeheheheh! I¡¯m too cute to harm,¡± says the squeaky voice of InaShikaCho.

    My hair fists shoot up and rapidly punch the cave ceiling where the voice came from. ¡°You¡¯re too cute to be allowed to live. No way am I taking up such an adorable mascot in my gritty story!¡±

    My plan works and the creature loses its grip and falls. We can only see a shadowy silhouette levitating in place before us.

    ¡°Don¡¯t shine the light on it. Could be like Medusa,¡± says Glasses Kid.

    ¡°It will die.¡± Brawny Babe unloads a full clip into the creature. Sadly every arrow stops before hitting the abomination.

    ¡°Hmm, perhaps it¡¯s like a living magnet,¡± says Glasses Kid.

    The creature looms closer.

    ¡°Stalker, turn off your light!¡± yells Best Friend.

    She nods, leaving us in total darkness.

    The creature in front of us starts shining brightly. ¡°Aren¡¯t I cute?¡±

    It looks like a smiley face star with shimmering eyes and a bright golden aura.

    I fall to my knees, gripping my chest.

    Goddamn that thing is cute. Cuteness really does make humans weak.

    Best Friend approaches it. ¡°I¡¯m sorry but you must surrender your life. I assure you your sacrifice won¡¯t be wasted.¡± He sharpens his blood blade but is unable to bring it down. ¡°Too¡­cute.¡± His hand quivers as it slowly descends on the StarBorne.

    The StarBorne giggles and Best Friend falls to his knees in tears. ¡°I¡­failed.¡±

    ¡°A being with the power to render malicious intent inert. How fascinating,¡± says Glasses Kid.

    The StarBorne looks down at him and giggles. ¡°You¡¯re cute too.¡±

    Brawny Babe approaches the creature with stars in her eyes. She places her hand atop it. ¡°Friend now. No longer alone.¡±

    ¡°Thanks mister,¡± says the star with a bright smile.

    Brawny Babe falls to her knees in misery. ¡°Should be hurt but¡­the cute.¡±

    Yandy leaps onto my back. ¡°Cute! Cute! Cute! That¡¯s all I hear! Well let me tell you something, starfish! I hate cute things! I just wanna chop them up until they¡¯re an ugly pile of flesh!¡± She thrusts her katana cleaver at the creature but stops when Tsundy blocks her path. ¡°Why are you protecting that monster?¡±

    ¡°My legs¡­moved on their own,¡± she says, her body moving to block Yandy.

    Glasses Kid taps his chin. ¡°Hmm. It still doesn¡¯t make sense. Why did all the people here commit suicide? StarBorne¡¯s naturally attract heroes but what killed them.¡±

    The StarBorne starts shaking while keeping its cheerful smile.

    Eesh that was creepy.

    ¡°Um, is that normal?¡± asks Stalker, her eyes glued to the mythical marvel.

    ¡°They said I wasn¡¯t cute. So¡­I made them go boop.¡± The creature giggles.

    ¡°Even strictly scientifically speaking, you are adorable. It¡¯s not really up for debate.¡± Glasses Kid paces around. ¡°Of course! You¡¯re like the light of the angler fish. There must be some hideous form you¡¯re hiding!¡±

    The StarBorne had a little seizure again. ¡°When you say bad things¡­you aren¡¯t very cute.¡± It giggles with a hint of malice.

    Yandy¡¯s every strike gets deflected by Tsundy¡¯s fists. ¡°Why won¡¯t you let me kill it? They¡¯re stuck until that bundle of joy becomes a puddle of blood!¡±

    ¡°I can¡¯t explain it. My body is on autopilot,¡± says Tsundy.

    Best Friend pulls his blood sword into his body. ¡°Why are you killing heroes?¡±

    Mascot gazes at the corpses that litter the cave. ¡°I don¡¯t see any heroes. Just ugly skeletons. You all are gonna be skeletons too! Only I stay cute forever!¡± It does a little twirl.

    I pound my chest getting my heart to restart but Brawny Babe is out cold. I try to call upon my hair to rescue her but it instead comes out as snakes, entranced by the glow of the StarBorne.

    How dare this thing steal my spotlight. I want to punch it right in it¡¯s ug¡­damn it! I can¡¯t even think that it¡¯s ugly.

    ¡°Stalker. We¡¯ve no other option. Shine your light on that creature.¡±

    ¡°If I do¡­I may actually die from the cuteness,¡± says Stalker, wiggling in joy while fear took over her face.

    ¡°Worry not. These heroes had flashlights.¡± Glasses Kid walks away from the creature and picks up a nearby flashlight.

    ¡°How did you move?¡± asks Tsundy.

    ¡°I simply acknowledge it¡¯s cute and then move past it. A genius like me can¡¯t be beaten so easily.¡± He dusts off the flashlight and then shines it at the StarBorne.

    Our faces turn from smitten to horrified.

    ¡°Chimera,¡± says Stalker in terror.

    Indeed it was. The StarBorne was a blend of multiple creatures. The creatures body looks like a pig that had been cooked after it¡¯s skin was torn off. It¡¯s butterfly wings were dark and misty, giving off a terrifying vibe. The antlers on the abomination were twisty and jagged. The star face may have been cute, but this floating pig, butterfly, deer, star thing was truly hideous.

    My fingers move on their own to tear out my eyes. Best Friend slams into me and pins down my hands all the while seething with disgust.

    ¡°Stop!¡± I yell.

    The StarBorne turns, making a bell sound when its gruesome body undulates.

    ¡°Sometimes action and titties aren¡¯t enough to capture the heart of the masses. The most effective pandering is cuteness. Plus, mascots give a huge boost to successful merchandising. I wouldn¡¯t accept any cute creature to be the accompanying mascot on my quest, but you¡¯re both adorable and gruesome. InaShikaCho, I hereby decree you are Mascot. You are both hideous and adorable. You should shoulder both your sides with pride like Todorokiki.¡±

    The light of the star went out, ending the disgust we felt instantly.

    ¡°You¡­want me?¡± asks Mascot, showering me with tears as it hugs me.

    ¡°I sure do! Now, come on! Let¡¯s get out of this cave!¡±

    Glasses Kid opens his satchel and covers Mascot with it. ¡°There we go. Now we have our own super weapon.¡±

    ¡°Can we really trust you with that power?¡± asks Best Friend, staring at Glasses Kid with apprehension.

    ¡°You still don¡¯t trust me.¡± Glasses Kid shook his head.

    I grab Best Friend¡¯s hand. ¡°Hey. Don¡¯t kill Mascot, okay? He¡¯s one of us now. I can fight Flam without absorbing his power. Not sure how I would absorb it anyway honestly.¡± I scratch my head.

    Best Friend smiles. ¡°You¡¯ve chosen a new path. I suppose we¡¯ll see where it leads soon enough. I only hope you¡¯re strong enough for him.¡±

    ¡°I know you¡¯ll be strong enough.¡± Stalker leads the way until we¡¯re out of the cave.

    ¡°I miss the spooky cave already,¡± says Dandy, looking sluggish and sad.

    ¡°Hey, cheer up. Remember the good times and look forward to the future,¡± I say, glowing with enthusiasm.

    ¡°Wow! You¡¯re so wise, big brother!¡± Stalker beams at me.

    ¡°Or I just gave him something wise to say,¡± says Glasses Kid, swiping on his Epad.

    Tsundy claps her hands to get our attention. ¡°There¡¯s a village not far from here. I don¡¯t particularly like it but its where I told Dere Dere to meet us anyway.¡±

    ¡°Can we trust any of you?¡± asks Best Friend, glaring at Dandy, who was cowering behind Tsundy.

    I put an arm on his shoulder. ¡°Relax. Betrayals are great for building intrigue. Just look at Berzerker! They can bring a story to the next stage.¡± I stare at Tsundy. ¡°If you and your team of gender fluid warriors are going to betray me, you had better make it flashy.¡± I look at her intense gaze and step back. ¡°And uh, please don¡¯t actually kill any of us.¡±

    ¡°She won¡¯t kill you. If she harms you, then her entire team will have an end so gruesome that it will take a tome to chronicle the details.¡± Best Friend¡¯s eyes flash red as he glares at Tsundy.

    Tsundy looks away with embarrassment. ¡°Okay¡­¡± she says softly.

    ¡°Umm, is the village that we¡¯re heading to¡­is it Sunny Village?¡± asks Stalker, apparently on my shoulders.

    ¡°Yeah, you know of it?¡±

    Stalker swallows and nods. I can feel her fear through her shaky legs.

    Well, either that or she¡¯s dry humping me.

    ¡°I uhh¡­can¡¯t go there,¡± she says in a whisper.

    ¡°Then I¡¯ll stay behind with her.¡± Best Friend lifts her off my shoulders and onto his. He turns to Brawny Babe and cups her hands in his. ¡°I¡¯m entrusting you with his safety.¡±

    Brawny Babe¡¯s eyes water up. ¡°Can¡¯t promise survival. Can¡¯t save anyone.¡±

    Glasses Kid puts his hand over Best Friend¡¯s. ¡°As his teacher I will keep him safe.¡±

    ¡°He already died on your watch.¡± Best Friend glares at Glasses Kid.

    ¡°Hey! I can keep myself safe. Geez, I¡¯m not a pacifist in a death game.¡± I roll my eyes and cross my arms.

    Tsundy steps up to me. ¡°Even if the enemy is one of my own. I will protect you from them. I swear on my dead sister.¡±

    Best Friend¡¯s eyes quiver. He then turns away from her eyes and walks to me. ¡°I¡¯ll see you in the morning when you set off.¡± He embraces me tightly. ¡°I love you, bro.¡±

    Yet you chose Stalker¡¯s safety over mine.

    I grab his arm and he slowly slides out of my reach. My lips quiver

    I¡­love you too. But I¡¯m too afraid to tell you.

    Tsundy slugs my side. ¡°Stop looking so pathetic; it makes me wanna squish you.¡± She looks up at the others and signals them to go ahead. ¡°I guess we got our eye on the same guy.¡±

    ¡°It¡¯s not like that.¡± I turn away from her adorable tomboy grin.

    ¡°Hey, there¡¯s no shame in liking him that way. Be who you are and own it. Punch those gender boundaries in the face! Hells yeah! Psssh!¡± She punches the air and makes a shattering sound.

    I grab her hand. ¡°It¡¯s you.¡±

    ¡°Huh?¡±

    I lean and kiss her lips. ¡°I¡¯m in love with you.¡±

    Tsundy¡¯s whole body seems to blush. She backs up and falls over. ¡°D-D-Don¡¯t say stupid things, you¡­i-i-i-idiot!¡±

    I go down to kiss her again and she kicks me off.

    ¡°How¡¯s that for an answer?¡± she asks, breathing heavily.

    ¡°Yeah. I felt it. That tomboy fire, almost like electricity.¡± I smile. ¡°You love me too.¡±

    She puffs and growls but she¡¯s too flustered to make any real words.

    ¡°Get up. We don¡¯t want to lose the others.¡±

    She puts her hat over her face and moves ahead of me. All I hear is growling as she skips ahead.

    Just like that I¡¯ve won her allegiance. When the traitor attacks, she¡¯ll rescue me. I can think of no better way to end the season.

    ¡°Well played,¡± says the voice of Glasses Kid.

    I notice that he¡¯s in front of the group drinking tea from a round plant leaf.

    ¡°This is a telepathic message, ding dong. Don¡¯t bother responding though. It¡¯s one way. Just wanted to give you a warning about something,¡± says the voice followed by a dramatic pause. ¡°Nah, actually forget about it. You¡¯ll figure it out soon enough.¡±

    I hate that little troll.

    Once we arrive at the entrance to the village some guy wraps his arms around me.

    ¡°Hey don¡¯t get friendly with me, Rival,¡± I say, giving him a glare.

    ¡°As if I¡¯d want to. I¡¯m here to stop you.¡± His hair wraps around my arms.

    ¡°You have no harem, so you can¡¯t beat me. Move along, side character,¡± I say with a grin.

    ¡°I will beat you.¡±

    ¡°Whatever, dude.¡± My hair pushes him off me and he falls to the ground.

    Rival clenches his head. ¡°Why is he so ungrateful, momma?¡±

    Brawny Babe opens the iron gate from the inside and approaches me. ¡°Village empty.¡±

    ¡°That could be due to several reasons, most of which are concerning,¡± says Glasses Kid, pacing around.

    I put my hand on Brawny Babe¡¯s shoulder. ¡°Is the food still there?¡±

    She nods.

    ¡°Free food! Awesome! Let¡¯s go!¡± I rush through the doors and enter the village.

    Simple characters fueled by base desires are a staple for all great Shounen animes. I of course knew I was rushing head first into a trap, but I wasn¡¯t afraid. I really was hungry at the time so I wasn¡¯t thinking straight. What will my fate be? Tune in next time for the final episode of the Main Character! Season one! Part 2¡­of four. Yeah, it doesn¡¯t sound nearly as dramatic now. In fact, let¡¯s go back in and wait for some dangerous cliffhanger to pop up before ending the episode.

    Tsundy picks me up as I head toward the dining hall. ¡°Look. The lights are on there.¡± She points to a church.

    I pat her head. ¡°Great. You investigate while I get something to eat.¡±

    ¡°I¡¯m not even allowed to enter that place.¡±

    ¡°Because you have a dick? That¡¯s stupid!¡± I yell.

    Tsundy whacks me. ¡°No, idiot king. It¡¯s more complicated than that.¡±

    ¡°Fine. I¡¯ll go. And then we eat.¡±

    ¡°Yeah sure.¡± Tsundy smiles.

    I gather the team in front of the church. ¡°Allow me to do the honors.¡±

    The doors open on their own. People with smiles glued to their faces rush out. I notice a shadow move among them. He goes right past me.

    Oh, hell no he doesn¡¯t.

    I focus my mind and exercise my power as the Main Character. I make him draw his blade and pierce my chest.

    There we go! Now that¡¯s an epic way to end the episode.

    A montage of my many accomplishments passes by as bitter sweet music radiates. Yeah, some clich¨¦s work surprisingly well. I feel the nostalgia coating my body. Shit, I also feel a freaking dagger in my chest. You don¡¯t know what happens next time but I know you¡¯re coming back anyway. See you next week for¡­oh damn that hurts like a freaking cliffhanger! The irony is great but still so damn painful.

 Episode 13: Sunny With a Chance of Absolute Despair

    Time moves like a river. That¡¯s supposed to be really deep but it just means that both things move. I don¡¯t really get it. But what is also flowing is blood. I got stabbed to make things more dramatic and apparently I can¡¯t retcon it. So I gotta keep myself safe by handing over the spotlight to someone else. TomCat¡¯s team was supposed to meet us in the caves. Let¡¯s see what they¡¯re up to.

    I brush a bead of sweat of my face before thrusting my fists through the last of the machine samurai.

    ¡°That was amazing, TomCat. You¡¯re like super cool,¡± says Fruity with a smile. ¡°Oh, and like, thanks for saving me. Girl, you¡¯re mega rad.¡±

    Why is she talking to me like that?

    ¡°You used to call me Tommy. What happened?¡± I ask.

    Fruity looks at me curiously. ¡°Oh yeah. Sorry, Tommy. Just really stressed out over almost being killed and all. Those metal creeps seriously need to get a life.¡±

    ¡°Well this isn¡¯t the first time this has happened. I¡¯ll always be here to protect you.¡± I grab her hand.

    ¡°Um¡­thanks,¡± says Fruity, looking at me curiously. ¡°Oh yeah, we¡¯ve been through a lot.¡±

    Something is wrong with her. I have to find out what it is.

    I lean in and kiss her yummy lips. ¡°Just as sweet as the first time.¡±

    Fruity pulls away and turns crimson like a strawberry. Her pale skin makes the lovely shade of red stand out beautifully.

    ¡°We¡¯ve done this before? Well, then I¡¯m sure I told you that, like, girls do not do it for me.¡±

    I put my hand to her forehead. ¡°You said I was pretty. You really don¡¯t remember?¡± Tears fill my eyes.

    She looks into me and smiles awkwardly. ¡°Yeah! I remember now. You were saying you weren¡¯t cute and well¡­I was just trying to get a smile on that scary face.¡±

    She used her powers to find out what happened. It¡¯s that kid with the glasses. He¡¯s destroying her memories. I have to do something.

    ¡°Have you eaten anything strange lately?¡±

    ¡°Nah, just some yummy shrooms.¡±

    ¡°Glasses Kid is poisoning your mind. You can¡¯t eat those mushrooms anymore. Is that understood?¡± I shake her in a panic.

    Fruity shoves me off with her dainty hands. ¡°Excuse me, kitty boxer, but we kinda just met. Wait, no¡­I do know you.¡± She holds her head. ¡°Why can¡¯t I remember?¡±

    ¡°It must be those mushrooms. He¡¯s manipulating your memories.¡±

    ¡°Why would my little brother do that?¡±

    ¡°You¡¯re an only child, Fruity. Please, you have to remember.¡±

    ¡°No. You¡¯re just trying to confuse me.¡± She gets up and runs off.

    I chase her down and grab her hand. ¡°Calm down. I¡¯ll talk with him, okay? Maybe I¡¯m wrong about this. For now, we gotta stick together.¡±

    ¡°Yeah, sure. Umm, whatever you say, Tommy.¡±

    What am I going to do? If I hurt him then she¡¯ll get hurt too. I have to find someway to bargain with him. I have to free Fruity!

    There¡¯s a rustle in the bushes. I stand up, ready to face the enemy.

    ¡°Aha! Found ya!¡± Dere Dere runs up to me.

    ¡°The SparkBug at the end of the rainbow sings at last,¡± says Kuu, dancing past me and kissing a tree branch.

    I rush up to her. ¡°Do you have anything that can help with memories?¡±

    Kuu giggles and pops an imaginary bubble. ¡°I can make many many happy memories for you.¡± She pulls out a leaf coated in white powder.

    ¡°Memory loss, do you have anything that nullifies that?¡±

    ¡°Oh, I might. I¡¯ll have to consult Mr. Owl.¡± She looks to her shoulder and starts speaking as if someone is there.

    So much for that idea.

    ¡°Where are all my worshippers?¡± asks Dere Dere, swinging on my arm.

    ¡°They were heading for the Cave of Dying Echoes. We should hurry up and meet with them before that dumb nerd bites it.¡±

    ¡°A dark cave. That actually sounds pretty sweet,¡± says Fruity with a smile.

    At least her personality is still held together. My love is still in there.

    ¡°A dark cave won¡¯t solve your problems. The old memories have wooshed away, but you must make new ones.¡± Kuu hands Fruity a leaf.

    Smoke comes out from the leaf and from it emerges a short racoon angel with a baggy sweater filled with leaves. ¡°Bwahahaha! I have appeared!¡±

    ¡°That¡¯s new,¡± says Kuu with wide eyes.

    The angel shuffles through her leaf filled pockets. ¡°Sometimes you gotta heat up to get the love pumping, but other times you just gotta chill to notice the love waves.¡±Unauthorized usage: this narrative is on Amazon without the author''s consent. Report any sightings.

    Kuu pets the angel. ¡°Well said, Squirly girl.¡±

    ¡°I¡¯m a Tanewki angel. But I do appreciate the compliment. Aha!¡± She pulls out a leaf and lies it on the ground. It explodes into smoke.

    Kuu¡¯s body grows tubes that take in the fumes. ¡°Whoa, that¡¯s intense.¡±

    ¡°MIZU!¡± Dere Dere hops into the smoke cloud, making a splash.

    The remaining fumes part, revealing a cool bath.

    What the!? The bath is occupied!

    A RiftRipper, an Angel, a CatBoy General and a hero are all in the bath together.

    I¡¯m so confused.

    Dere Dere splashes them. ¡°Out! I have claimed every drop as my domain!¡±

    The White RiftRipper turns to her.

    The shadowy Angel signals him to stand down.

    ¡°Not good! There¡¯s a CatBoy general!¡± exclaims the hero, pointing at me.

    ¡°Not one I¡¯m familiar with,¡± says the CatBoy general.

    Only one general went missing from Flam¡¯s army. That must be NeedleStack.

    Amorita hops in front of the bath and makes an ¡®x¡¯ with her arms.

    ¡°No! No! No! You¡¯re not supposed to stay in the bath. It was empty! I know it was.¡± She paces around nervously.

    The Hero spoke up. ¡°Sorry. I know you wanted to help us but we kind of tricked you. Couldn¡¯t cross the continent without leaving a residue from rift jumping. So the big guy just sorta hid us so we could get around easier.¡±

    ¡°Why are you explaining things to her?¡± The dark angel gets out from the cold water and cloaks herself in shadows. ¡°You there.¡± She points at me. ¡°Where are we?¡±

    ¡°How about you tell me who you are first?¡± I ask, stepping in front of them so they don¡¯t notice Fruity behind me. I signal her to leave but she doesn¡¯t budge.

    ¡°Shadow Truth.¡± The RiftRipper says in a whisper as if talking to himself.

    NeedleStack shakes the water off. ¡°All you need to know is we¡¯re enemies of Flam. So prepare to die.¡± He shapes one of his hairs into a spike.

    I dodge the spear he tosses at me, grab it and then crush it. ¡°I am too. I went rogue.¡±

    Dere Dere hops on NeedleStack¡¯s back. ¡°If you hurt this deity¡¯s kitty, you¡¯re gonna go zap!¡± She pokes his cheek, making all his fur stand on end.

    ¡°Hey, there¡¯s no need to fight.¡± The Hero comes out of the bath naked. ¡°Shade is looking for her sister.¡± He gestures to the shadowy angel.

    ¡°Yes. It¡¯s been years since our separation. I miss her dearly,¡± says Shade, but her eyes don¡¯t reflect her words.

    ¡°Do you have any idea how rare it is to see an angel?¡± I ask.

    The Hero walks up to me. ¡°There are less and less of them every year. Hopefully they are in a sanctuary.¡± He puts out his hand. ¡°My name is Yuki.¡±

    ¡°I don¡¯t know anything about any angels,¡± I say, crossing my arms.

    ¡°You seem nervous.¡± The angel says as her shadow massages my back.

    ¡°I am. I have to go somewhere and I¡¯m running late.¡± I turn from her gaze.

    ¡°Where you headed? We can take you there.¡± She snaps her fingers and the RiftRipper creates a portal.

    Kuu comes out from behind me. ¡°The angel is the sunny sunny paradise.¡±

    Why would she tell them that?

    ¡°Oh, there you are. Learn anything important?¡± asks Shade.

    Dere Dere speeds up to Kuu and covers her mouth. ¡°Ignore the false truth. Toxins speak for my fungal follower.¡± She nods with a toothy grin.

    A puff of purple gas emits from one of the flowers on Kuu.

    Dere Dere goes stiff and falls backward, shaking in place.

    ¡°I found the seeker of the ages!¡± Kuu tosses Fruity¡¯s limp body to Shade.

    Kuu is a traitor! They better not hurt Fruity. I can¡¯t let them know she¡¯s important to me¡­or they¡¯ll hurt her. I have to stay silent.

    ¡°Well done. Anything else?¡± asks Shade, tossing Fruity into the vortex behind the RiftRipper¡¯s cloak.

    ¡°The portal to Gaia¡­it sings in her tome.¡± Kuu spins around and creates flowers with each step.

    ¡°She finally found it. Good job, little sis,¡± says the angel with a smirk.

    ¡°Wait, there¡¯s a way back?¡± I ask with wide eyes.

    NeedleStack approaches me. ¡°She knows too much. We must kill her.¡±

    ¡°Hey! She¡¯s not our enemy!¡± yells Yuki.

    Luna pushes the naked hero into the new portal. ¡°Go ahead and kill her.¡± She hops onto the RiftRipper¡¯s shoulders and watches as the General approaches me.

    Kuu rubs her hands together to send a DandyLion my way.

    The kitty faced flower disperses around me, releasing toxins.

    ¡°Now pain becomes joy and death is an orgasm,¡± she says, dancing around me.

    Damn traitor. My body feels all tingly and soft. Yuck.

    My vision is impaired by sparkles but I engage the new kitty gauntlets that Fruity got me.

    ¡°You¡¯ve upgraded,¡± says NeedleStack, growing the needles in his fingertips to create bladed fingers.

    ¡°Yep. Now why don¡¯t you just let me work with you so I don¡¯t have to get my precious gift all messy?¡±

    I dodge a projectile needle and rush in. I throw a punch at the same time he does.

    His arm swerves below mine.

    Easy hit.

    A needle suddenly grows from his furry arm and pierces into the bottom of my arm.

    My punch misses but the pistons activate, creating a shockwave that blasts him off his feet.

    Damn, I feel so freaking weird.

    My legs are shaky and moist.

    Getting aroused from a fight is routine. But it¡¯s supposed to be a fire between my legs, not this pathetic sensitivity.

    While my mind is being barraged by bubbly feelings, another needle stabs into my legs.

    I gush and nearly slip on my own puddle.

    Damn my vision is getting blurry. Gotta find someway to end this quick.

    NeedleStack tosses his projectiles at me while circling around, keeping his distance.

    I put my hands out and use my shockwaves to deflect most of the needles.

    This won¡¯t work. Have to lure him to me.

    I punch extra hard and slip on the puddle, falling flat on my ass.

    ¡°It¡¯s over now!¡± NeedleStack rushes toward me.

    Got him.

    I rub my legs together, creating electric energy with the metal plates. The shocking energy travels down my legs, making my body shiver with pleasure. It gathers in my BunBun slippers. The bunnies glow with energy before squeaking.

    NeedleStacks expression melts into fear when he realizes he¡¯s standing in the puddle.

    His furry body is smoking by the time the electric storm is finished.

    I try to stand up but my legs are shaky.

    The angel looks past me and at her ally. ¡°Hey, Shroomy, give her the antidote. She won.¡±

    Kuu nods and pours some black liquid in my mouth.

    My vision clears up.

    ¡°Shade! He¡¯s not dead,¡± says Yuki, shaking NeedleStack.

    ¡°We only need one CatBoy General on our side. I prefer the hothead,¡± she says, her shadows lifting me up.

    The RiftRipper floats to NeedleStack and a monstrous mouth forms from the void beneath his cloak. Its body morphs into a cage and it devours the CatBoy General. I¡¯m unable to see what¡¯s going on, but NeedleStack¡¯s screams aren¡¯t muffled in the slightest.

    Yuki looks away in tears. ¡°He was our ally. He was so soft!¡±

    ¡°Yeah, but he was also a prick.¡± Shade smiles at me as her shadow juts out as teeth around me.

    Didn¡¯t know angels could be so terrifying.

    ¡°So, you going to kill me if I don¡¯t join your little club?¡± I ask, readying my gauntlets.

    Shade smiles and her shadow mouth laughs. ¡°I know your story. We have the same enemy. There¡¯s no reason you shouldn¡¯t join us. Isekai got your brothers killed. They¡¯ve ruined your life.¡±

    She¡¯s right, but if I join them will anything change. A rebellion just leads to more dead rebels.

    I look up at her. ¡°I already have a team.¡±

    ¡°Then we¡¯ll just have to create an opening for you.¡± She signals the RiftRipper to enter the portal.

    I stand in his path. ¡°Wait. Help me kill the one who murdered my brothers. Do that and I¡¯ll join you.¡±

    And if I can kill a RiftRipper, then getting Fruity back from this abomination should be no sweat.

    Shade takes out a vial of liquid and pours it on her lips. ¡°Been so long since I¡¯ve made a Hero Bond. Thankfully you¡¯re not ugly like that O.R.C.¡±

    Her shadows grip me and bring me to my knees.

    ¡°Wait up! This isn¡¯t what I meant.¡± I struggle to escape but I can¡¯t even budge.

    Shade grabs my face and plunges her tongue in my mouth. She sucks the air out of me as I¡¯m intoxicated by her energy.

    My body starts shaking uncontrollably.

    If I already have a power and get the Angel¡¯s Kiss, then am I going to die?

    Shade¡¯s shadow releases me. ¡°If you run off, I¡¯ll know. Join us when you¡¯re ready. Welcome to Shadow Truth.¡± She licks her lips. ¡°Yuki, we¡¯re leaving now!¡±

    ¡°Yeah, sure thing.¡± He looks at me with worry but leaves.

    My body shivers and I collapse as I see her go into the portal.

 Free Food but at What Cost?

    I wake up on the ground, looking up at my attacker. My wound is pretty deep, like my character. I focus my energy on getting rid of it. It instantly becomes a battle scar.

    Ha! Looks like I don¡¯t need angel juice to heal me! Eat it, Ryuhoe!

    ¡°Why did I stab you?¡± asks my shadowy attacker.

    ¡°You¡¯re seriously asking that?¡± Tsundy glares at the figure. She kicks me. ¡°Hey, that doesn¡¯t look so bad. Buck up, wimp.¡±

    Aww, she cares about me. That¡¯s sweet.

    The shadow figure perks up. The stars beneath its hood flicker. ¡°I know who you are.¡±

    Great. But I don¡¯t have a clue who he is. Is that what being famous is like?

    ¡°You¡¯re the Hero of Destiny!¡± His body wiggles in excitement and he squeals a bit. His body collapses into a puddle on top of me and then solidifies for a hug. ¡°On behalf of Sunny Village I heartily welcome you, Hero!¡±

    ¡°Hey!¡± Tsundy glares at him. ¡°Release him now. For every hero that dies I get a mark on my license which means I get less money for all future jobs. I¡¯m not letting you kill him!¡±

    Wow. Is that really all I am to her? I confessed to her dammit!

    ¡°Hey! If you¡¯re gonna see me as trash, at least step on me!¡± I yell.

    Tsundy puts her foot on my chest super slowly and giggles.

    Cruel and uneventful punishment is just the worst.

    The RiftRipper releases me. ¡°So, are the songs true?¡±

    ¡°There are songs about me!?¡± I exclaim, hopping to my feet.

    The RiftRipper shifts into a musical note and circles around me. ¡°So dashing and brave, a hero is he. So handsome and not cowardly. With sheep angel and no mercy. He will kick your ass with glee!¡± He looms over me like a guilty conscience. ¡°You have a sheep angel with you?¡±

    ¡°Eh, I hardly remember side characters.¡± I shrug.

    If he¡¯s after Stalker for malicious reasons, then I can¡¯t let him know where she is. I won¡¯t risk being blamed for not caring about her again. We already went through that sub plot.

    ¡°You¡¯re mighty suspicious,¡± says Tsundy, putting her arm around the RiftRippers shoulders.

    ¡°Oh, how rude of me. I¡¯m Sickle. I¡¯m a friend of Annie¡¯s. Perhaps she¡¯s spoken of me.¡±

    ¡°Nope. Never heard of you. Sorry, pal,¡± I say with a cool as ice grin.

    Glasses Kid looks up at the RiftRipper. ¡°Ah, you were only a trainee when you last saw her. Now you¡¯re a full-fledged Ripper. Congrats.¡± He tips his metaphorical hat.

    Well if he actually has a name and some history, I guess I should describe him. Black cape, like the other RiftRippers. Void like face, yada yada. They all look the same. Oh, he has some kind of fantasy sunflower on his hood. I guess that¡¯s what makes him unique.

    ¡°Shadow not matter. People gather for reason.¡± Brawny Babe beckons us into the church.

    Yeah. Good point. Gotta find out who this glory whore is so I can steal their followers.

    A colorful bird angel is on the podium, getting her talons licked by a bunch of males with pleasant facial features. ¡°Yes. Good boys. I could definitely get used to this.¡± She pinches her nipples and sticks out her tongue.

    Yandy glares at the angel while seething. ¡°She¡¯s sooo cute! Can I please chop her up?¡±

    ¡°No! Geez. Keep it together,¡± says Tsundy, grabbing Yandy¡¯s flailing arms.

    I feel a tap on my shoulder.

    Dandy smiles at me. ¡°Boo.¡± Her eyes go wide. ¡°Did I scare ya?¡± She giggles mischievously.

    I smile at her cuteness and then jump in surprise. I grab my heart. ¡°That was terrifying.¡±

    ¡°Yay!¡± Dandy jumps up and down, giving me a bounce house show.

    ¡°You!¡± The angel looks past its attendees and at me. ¡°Why aren¡¯t you worshiping me? I saved your village, didn¡¯t I?¡±

    Sickle glides up to the angel. ¡°He¡¯s not from here. That boy is from Doomed. He¡¯s the Hero of Destiny.¡±

    The angel¡¯s eyes widen. ¡°Go home, puppies.¡± She motions her boy toys to leave. Her wings engage and she flies up to me. ¡°Hmm.¡± The angel examines my sexy body. ¡°Yeah, sure. You can be my boyfriend.¡± She grins.

    Yes! A cutie wants me to be her boyfriend. Oh wait, hold the boner for a sec. Isn¡¯t Stalker the only girl in this entire realm? Well, doesn¡¯t hurt to ask.

    ¡°Sure thing. But hey, you¡¯re not a boy, right?¡± I ask with a seductive look.

    The angel¡¯s eyes burst with rage. ¡°Whatever that little slut said about me is a lie!¡±

    Yep. Totally a boy. Figures. Can¡¯t a straight male catch a break in the Post-Modern age without it being labeled as heteronormative plot devices?

    Yandy jabs her sharp fingernails into my arm. ¡°He already has a girlfriend.¡± She hisses at the angel.

    ¡°When Papi wants something, she gets it. Are you still tied to that whiny lamb angel?¡± asks the bird girl.

    ¡°Chill out, snow bird. I¡¯m not gonna be your boyfriend just so you can spite your ex.¡±

    The angel¡¯s face turns red like a final boss¡¯ weak point. ¡°What did that little tramp tell you about me?¡±

    ¡°Honestly¡­nothing.¡± I grin. ¡°What¡¯s your name?¡±

    ¡°Rrrrgh!¡± She kicks one of the chairs in the church. ¡°It¡¯s Poppy!¡±

    Cute name. Definitely a trap.

    Glasses Kid walks around the angel and looks at her curiously. ¡°What are you doing here? Aren¡¯t you from Dark and Gloomy? Sunny Village is the opposite of that place.¡±

    ¡°I¡¯ve been village hopping. Going to build up an army of hero toys.¡± Poppy licks her lips and grins. The angel then grabs my hand. ¡°Where¡¯s your angel? Lead me to her.¡±

    The way she caresses my hand is so erotic. It¡¯s like I¡¯m being violated.

    Super sexy.

    She leans up to my ear and hums a song.

    The world suddenly looks brighter. Vibrant screen tones with sparkles, bubbles, flowers and hearts decorate everything I see.

    Tsundy pokes my eyes and everything goes black.

    ¡°Ow!¡± I yell.

    ¡°Get it together. We¡¯re here for a reason.¡±Stolen content warning: this content belongs on Royal Road. Report any occurrences.

    ¡°Free food?¡± I ask, peeking up at her.

    ¡°Yes! Let¡¯s hurry and find the buffet!¡±

    ¡°Ha! Only my worshipers get to enjoy the festivities. If I brand you all as infiltrators, every person in this village will hunt you down.¡±

    ¡°Oooh, blood bags rushing toward me! A buffet of violence!¡± Yandy rushes at the Angel but Tsundy stops her.

    ¡°Free food,¡± she says with a dark glare.

    ¡°Ugh! Kill joy!¡± Yandy rolls her eyes.

    ¡°Smoke.¡± Brawny Babe points past the church doors outside.

    Poppy¡¯s wings flare up. ¡°You led that group of hero terrorists here!?¡± She flies out of the church.

    ¡°I don¡¯t even have a clue what she¡¯s talking about,¡± I say, scratching my head.

    Glasses Kid puts his nose in the air. ¡°It¡¯s in Stalker¡¯s journal. The Hero¡¯s Militia is a group of¡­¡±

    I cover his mouth. ¡°No spoilers!¡±

    Watching movies with this brat must be the worst.

    Tsundy pulls me aside. ¡°If the village is being attacked¡­¡±

    ¡°Then no line at the buffet.¡±

    ¡°And no reason to pander to the little bird boy.¡±

    We bump fists.

    I stand atop a chair. ¡°Team! The enemy commander is likely at the village¡¯s restaurant. We move out immediately.¡±

    Glasses Kid looks at me for a moment. ¡°That is possible.¡±

    With nobody voicing their complaints we head to the restaurant.

    If you¡¯re offended that I¡¯m letting people being attacked and possibly killed while I¡¯m getting free food, then please remind yourself that I¡¯m a Shounen protagonist. I know I¡¯ll need full strength to eat the bad guy. I mean beat! Urgh! Stupid stomach!

    We arrive at the restaurant, apparently losing Yandy somewhere along the way.

    Dandy hurries inside to prepare our food.

    Brawny Babe looks out at the burning buildings. ¡°Must go.¡±

    ¡°Hey. You¡¯re one of us. We fight together and we eat together.¡± I grab her hand.

    She pulls away. ¡°Am needed. Get to go.¡± She looks at me and nods.

    ¡°Understood. I¡¯ll get you something with mushrooms okay.¡±

    She smiles and wipes away her tears. ¡°Any food from friend is gift.¡±

    Aww, that warms my heart.

    My team enter the restaurant. We¡¯re immediately in awe of the colorful torches decorating the walls. The chairs are made of some kinda rock, which makes them very uncomfortable and the floor is decorated with a pattern of blue birds.

    Dandy greets us, putting an apron on top of her usual dominatrix gimp attire. ¡°Order me!¡± She drools.

    ¡°Give me every type of meat you have. I even want a meat shake like from McMeats! Best Friend isn¡¯t here so it¡¯s free range! Just don¡¯t tell me what it is, where it came from or what it will do to my internal organs and moral integrity because that would totally ruin my meal and you¡¯d get all the blame.¡± I snicker.

    ¡°Blame.¡± Dandy giggles mischievously.

    Sure Glasses Kid could tell on me, but Best Friend wouldn¡¯t believe him over me. It¡¯s no sweat.

    ¡°Ummm¡­I¡¯ll have a salad and like an entire plate of bread. Oh! No butter.¡± She smiles.

    ¡°Hey, your secrets safe with me. Eat all the meat you want.¡±

    ¡°I only eat fish meat and¡­I want Best Friend to respect me. Even if he didn¡¯t know I cheated¡­I¡¯d know.¡±

    ¡°I¡¯ll have a glass of water,¡± says Glasses Kid with a suave tone.

    ¡°Ummm is that all.¡±

    ¡°Nope. I¡¯d like some salad with that.¡± He looks at me with a smug grin.

    ¡°Hey. I¡¯m a self-righteous protagonist. Gotta eat meat or I won¡¯t be relatable to my edgy fat kid fanbase.¡±

    ¡°I¡¯ll have¡­your head.¡± A voice behind me says.

    Tsundy flips the table to deflect the incoming daggers.

    ¡°Rub Ruin!¡± Yells the frizzy CatBoy General. He¡¯s wearing a pink bath towel and polka dot blue stockings. He¡¯s also the tallest CatBoy General I¡¯ve seen and has an eye patch over one of his eyes.

    ¡°Just like I said¡­¡± Glasses Kid grins ¡°possible.¡±

    See. I knew the enemy was here. You should have more faith in me.

    The daggers he threw shake rapidly, cutting through the table and continuing their momentum.

    Tsundy¡¯s fists pulse, releasing her aura but it doesn¡¯t stop the blades.

    They slice her shoulders.

    Dandy walks in with our beverages and purposefully spills hot coffee on me.

    Is this a joint attack? Is she just a clutz? Or is this another weak attempt to get punishment?

    My hair breaks off pieces of the table and tosses them at the General.

    His hand slices through them by moving Cougar fast.

    Tsundy rushes up to him. ¡°Don¡¯t interrupt my carb-loading!¡± She punches him with a powerful fist.

    ¡°Yeah, seriously dude. We¡¯re really freaking hungry,¡± I say as my hair barrages him with punches.

    Glasses Kid, who caught his drink when Dandy dropped it, just watches in his stool and sips casually.

    The General takes a step back.

    Hold up, there¡¯s not a mark on him. Is this censorship? Did our budget get cut? Of does he have another power?

    ¡°My whole body is a tickle free zone,¡± he says, managing a malicious smile.

    Wow. He¡­actually said that without laughing. I don¡¯t even have a response.

    Glasses Kid sits up. ¡°So, your power is complete control over friction. You can make things move extremely fast and deny impact to your body by making it friction free.¡±

    The General starts clapping. ¡°Wow! You¡¯re smart. You should be the leader. Not this idiot. I¡¯m FurBall by the way.¡±

    ¡°A stupid leader puts everyone in danger. And dangerous places are where many great discoveries are made.¡± Glasses Kid reaches into his bag. ¡°I¡¯m right where I need to be.¡±

    Does he respect me? Does he? Wait, now I know why No-Fight Robin stays on the crew.

    ¡°Ummmm¡­maybe I can help,¡± says Dandy, twiddling her thumbs.

    ¡°You figured it out. I¡¯m only acting like I can¡¯t win.¡± I wink at her.

    ¡°You¡¯re cute when you lie.¡± Dandy giggles.

    Glasses walks up to FurBall and blows some powder in his eyes.

    ¡°I¡¯m fifty-percent more blind now!¡± he screams.

    This guy is a riot.

    ¡°Easy pickings now,¡± says Tsundy, readying her fist.

    I put my hand on hers. ¡°Wait up. We shouldn¡¯t kill him.¡±

    ¡°Why the hell not?¡± She rolls her eyes.

    ¡°Because after I kill Flam and take over the kingdom, I¡¯m going to make this idiot my jester.¡± I grab a cup of hot coffee of one of the tables and pour it on his face.

    ¡°Oh¡­so you don¡¯t need me.¡± Dandy sighs. ¡°I¡¯ll just¡­disappear.¡± She backs away into the shadows.

    ¡°Right this way!¡± exclaims a cheery voice from outside.

    It¡¯s that sickle guy.

    Best Friend runs up to me and pulls up my shirt.

    Oh yes! Finally, our love making scene! I always wanted to get down and dirty at a diner.

    Barely a scratch. He shoves his hand in Stalker¡¯s mouth and applies her spit it to the wound.

    Stalker launches herself into a hug with me. ¡°Main! We came as soon as we found out. Please don¡¯t die.¡±

    ¡°I¡¯m fine. But didn¡¯t you say you can¡¯t be here?¡± I ask, patting her head platonically.

    Best Friend slightly smiles. ¡°The people are too busy burning to be inhostitable. Which reminds me. They need a hero.¡±

    My hair stretches my arms out all bad ass like. ¡°I suppose they do.¡±

    Best Friend crouches down and looks at Stalker. ¡°No holding back. You have the power to save this village.¡±

    Sickle enters the restaurant. ¡°Annie?¡± He asks, lifting her into a hug.

    ¡°Whoa! You¡¯re a real RiftRipper now. Congratulations!¡± Stalker hops for joy.

    Tsundy bites on a loaf of bread. ¡°Job or not, we can do something to help. Dandy, lets go save some lives.¡±

    ¡°I¡¯ll keep you ladies safe,¡± says Glasses Kid, following them out of the restaurant.

    ¡°You never should have come back,¡± says Sickle, his void like face arcing into a sideways smile.

    Time seemingly went Za Warudo. Blades jut out Stalker¡¯s back. Her usually vibrant and colorful eyes look so cold.

    Is this real?

    ¡°Main! Fix this now!¡± yells Best Friend, rushing at Sickle with a blood scythe.

    ¡°On it! Retcon!¡± I exclaim.

    My asspull power¡­why isn¡¯t it working?

    I hold myself and sob, feeling the scar.

    This scar. This dumb fucking scar¡­I did this. I wanted a dramatic cliffhanger and it takes a whole episode to get another plot cheat. I¡­killed her. My own friend.

    Best Friend tosses knives at the enemy while rubbing Stalker¡¯s saliva on her wound. ¡°No effect. She has to be awake. Only an angel can save her now.¡±

    Sickle¡¯s body turns into a giggling scythe and slashes at Best Friend.

    No! I can¡¯t lose him too!

    A man clad in white armor suddenly appears in the path of the attack. ¡°A hero always arrives at the last second,¡± he says, looking dramatically at nowhere in particular.

    ¡°The last second is up! She¡¯s already mortally wounded!¡± yells Best Friend, slicing his stomach and feeding her his blood as his tears dripped on her body.

    ¡°Ah! What I meant to say is, better late than never!¡± exclaims White Knight, teleporting to block both Sickle¡¯s attacks and Best Friend¡¯s.

    ¡°Stop getting in my way!¡± yells Best Friend.

    ¡°Justice is blind! And blind people deserve justice!¡± exclaims White Knight.

    Which is another way of him saying that he can¡¯t control his powers because he¡¯s a total noob.

    Fur Ball stands up sloppily, using the chairs as leverage.

    ¡°No more distractions.¡± Best Friend slices his chest and pulls out blood and shapes it into a spear.

    ¡°Are you blind or retarded? That person is handicapped! You can¡¯t harm him.¡± White Knight purposefully moves in the way of the attack.

    My hair smashes the pillars supporting the roof of the building. ¡°You were the number one hero. Prove it now! Protect that angel. We¡¯re going to get her help.¡±

    ¡°Fine but only because one day in the future, she¡¯ll blossom into a woman and will have to repay my noble act with her bodacious body!¡± he exclaims, picking her up in his arms.

    Even I¡¯m more subtle about my intentions. He¡¯s practically announcing it to the whole village.

    ¡°Yes! I can see again!¡± cheers the Fur Ball.

    White Knight rushes up to the General and shoulder rams him off his feet. ¡°How dare you pretend to be handicapped, heathen!¡±

    ¡°Wait up. I hadn¡¯t activated my ability. I¡¯m a bit overwhelmed!¡± FurBall shields his face as he pouts.

    White Knight tears off his eye patch, revealing it was just a fashion choice after all and did not hide some cool legendary ninja power or even a robot eye.

    White Knight slams his foot down on FurBall. ¡°I¡¯m going to need a few dead generals on my resume to earn back my title as the Number One Hero. If you don¡¯t want to help my career, you¡¯ll have to gouge out your own eyes and become an honest person.¡± He offers hands his enemy a fork.

    I grab Best Friend¡¯s hand. ¡°There¡¯s an angel in this village. A blue bird boy. Shouldn¡¯t be hard to find.¡± We leave the collapsing building.

    Best Friend sobs. ¡°Poppy won¡¯t help our little angel.¡±

    I grab his hand and wipe his tears with it. ¡°All she needs is some motivation. Threaten to slice off her wings and I¡¯m sure she¡¯ll change her mind.¡±

    Best Friend leans into me. ¡°I love you.¡±

    Our lips touch for the first time.

    ¡­..I need a moment. See you next time. EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

 Fear & Loathing, Oh & Vengeance Too

    Episode 13: Part 3

    The kiss between the hero and his love interest, who according to my Shounen anime data base is always a member of the opposite sex, is a moment that only comes at the end. Oftentimes hundreds of episodes pass, filled with only bickering sprinkled with sexual tension or perhaps a budding friendship that blossoms only at the climax. As his lips touched mine I was of course in bliss, but I also realized that this could be a sign of the end times. It¡¯s even more ominous considering that the narrative phantom that compels writers to kill their gays is still cursing our stories. Okay honestly all this is written in hindsight. My only actual thoughts on the moment are as follows: Is he kissing me? Oh my god I feel his lips. He really is. They are so soft and cold but yet they warm my whole body. Does he love me? He has to, right? He even said I love you. He isn¡¯t making some quote to calm me down. There¡¯s no reason for this kiss other than me seizing his heart with my charisma.

    The kiss abruptly ends and he looks at me solemnly.

    ¡°You¡­didn¡¯t kiss back.¡± His eyes look dead.

    I was just so shocked I didn¡¯t have time. Plus what would he think? Would we stay friends? Would romance ruin our relationship like it did for Kora and Mayko? And¡­let¡¯s be honest¡­my readers wouldn¡¯t want that. Noruto and Sasuuke didn¡¯t raise Baruto together. If they did, then everyone would complain. There¡¯s no place in mainstream Shounen for a protagonist in a homosexual relationship. Lucy went from bi to straight by some unseen force. My feelings for my Best Friend could never be accepted by my fans. It¡¯s hopeless.

    ¡°Tears¡­¡± Best Friend gazes into me. ¡°Was it so horrible?¡±

    No! It was wonderful! I have to say something. He needs to know my true feelings. But I¡¯m so scared¡­who would accept me? Would he even accept me?

    ¡°Kiss again! That was adorable,¡± says Poppy, floating above us.

    ¡°His feelings aren¡¯t something for you to fetishize you flying fujoshi!¡± My hair punches the bird out of the sky.

    Best Friend points a row of blood swords at the downed bird angel. ¡°We need your healing saliva now.¡±

    ¡°Hot!¡± exclaims the bird with wide eyes, drooling.

    Best Friend catches the angel¡¯s drool in a bottle and tosses it to me. ¡°It would mean more to her coming from you. Save her¡­be her hero.¡± He clenches his chest.

    Poppy flies off, likely to save more villagers.

    I take a step toward him and try to tell him my feelings, but either a homophobic god or forced dramatic writing makes me unable to speak.

    Honestly¡­I¡¯m terrified. Can a hero love his best friend? Is that¡­okay?

    Best Friend wipes my eyes and hands me a mem shroom. ¡°Go ahead. Eat it. Forget about what we did. I¡¯m sorry¡­I was just so overwhelmed and you¡­gave me hope again. I shouldn¡¯t have done that.¡±

    I try to will my body to move but it won¡¯t.

    ¡°Now now, hero,¡± says the voice of Flam in my head. ¡°You¡¯re already taken. Oh, you never told him about us, did you?¡±

    ¡°Shut up!¡± I yell, grabbing my head.

    ¡°I hope you¡¯ll forgive me.¡± Best Friend shoves the mushroom in my mouth.

    My mind goes wavy.

    ¡°Main! Give the fluid to Stalker. Be her hero!¡± he exclaims.

    Maybe if I make him proud he¡¯ll suddenly swoop me up in his arms and plant a kiss upon my lips. Ugh. Too bad my life isn¡¯t like Ootena. I¡¯m no princess. But I would be for him.

    ¡°Go to her!¡±

    It¡¯s my fault she¡¯s dying. I can¡¯t fail her. No. She¡¯s already dead, isn¡¯t she? I already failed. I¡¯m no hero. I¡¯m just an egotistical prick.

    I awake, screaming in pain. The blonde little gremlin is on my belly and her hands are glowing with electricity.

    ¡°Mwahahaha! The deity giveth life to you. Now my logos are your dharma!¡±

    I shove her off. ¡°I don¡¯t think so.¡±

    Dere Dere grabs onto my furry legs. ¡°Why not, punchy kitty?¡±

    ¡°We gotta get moving.¡± I look at my fingers.

    My claws feel sharper than before but they look the same.

    I lift my shirt. The white threads that held me together are gone.

    That angel fully healed me. How powerful is she to mend plot threads? Then again, how powerful is Flam to be able to revive me? Urgh, focus Tommy! Gotta get to Sunny Village, that¡¯s where Tsundy is leading the team.

    I look at Dere Dere and shake my head.

    She gasps. ¡°What part of perfection displeases you?¡±

    ¡°I¡¯m not displeased. I just don¡¯t really think you¡¯re a god. That RiftRipper can travel to places in an instant. Can you do that?¡±

    Dere Dere glows and then appears on my shoulders. ¡°You¡¯d be wise not to underestimate me?¡±

    ¡°Well, can you do it? Can you bring me to Sunny Village?¡±

    ¡°This deity cannot be tricked. I will only help you if you vow to follow my wishes for the rest of eternity!¡± she makes an infinity sign in the air with her electrically charged fingers.

    ¡°One favor, take it or leave it?¡±

    She leans over and squeezes my breasts. ¡°Hmm, bouncy. The deity accepts!¡±

    The entire forest seemingly folds in itself, or at least that¡¯s how it looks when we travel through it. Five seconds pass before we arrive at the front of the village. There¡¯s a man at the front, arguing with himself and even hitting himself.

    ¡°Rival, have you seen Stalker?¡± I ask, grabbing his shirt collar.

    ¡°Why would I say anything to a CatBoy general?¡± he asks with a deranged look and twitchy eye.

    Dere Dere pokes him. ¡°Answer and I will permit you to pat my head.¡±

    ¡°Stalker and Best Friend went inside to save Main from a fatal stab wound. If he happens to die though, then he¡¯s not worth saving so no worries.¡±

    Dere Dere looks up at him and nods. ¡°Very well. You may proceed.¡±

    Rival gives her head pats when I spot something on him.

    Stalker¡¯s Journal.

    ¡°Hey, I¡¯ll um, let you pet me if you let me take a look at that book,¡± I say.

    ¡°I don¡¯t want anything from a CatBoy General. You want it, then take it from me?¡±

    I need to know! That book holds the answers!

    My claws suddenly glow black with energy. I swipe my paw and the book is in my hand.

    ¡°Did you just scratch space? Holy shit? You¡¯re freaking Okoyasu!¡± he exclaims, still patting Dere Dere. ¡°Tell you what, you take the blame for stealing it and it¡¯s all yours. No way am I risking a bonding session with Stalker after she finds out why I took the journal.¡±

    Does he want it for the same reason that Shadow Truth does?

    I skim through the pages and read the parts I was searching for.

    Nothing¡­it doesn¡¯t say why. It must have been more than a mere job. My brothers couldn¡¯t have been slaughtered for something so simple.

    Rival crouches down to Dere Dere. ¡°Hey, I think you ought to calm that kitty. She looks disturbed. I¡¯m staying here, just out of friend zone range.¡±

    I¡¯m suddenly zapped and I drop the book.

    ¡°Only the great deity is worthy of knowing such secrets!¡± She picks up the journal and zooms off.The genuine version of this novel can be found on another site. Support the author by reading it there.

    I approach Rival. ¡°I need that book! Help me get it back from her!¡±

    ¡°Help is something friends give each other! I¡¯m not your damn friend, you sick murderer!¡±

    I don¡¯t have the patience for his pity party.

    I punch his stomach but he doesn¡¯t budge.

    ¡°That is the fire of revenge. Who do you want dead?¡± he asks, smiling at me with a crazed grin.

    ¡°Assailant. He dies tonight or you die now.¡±

    ¡°Not him. He has the answers. I need to talk to him. I¡¯ll get the journal, you track him down. Don¡¯t kill him till he tells me everything.¡±

    ¡°Deal! Now let¡¯s go!¡±

    ¡°So, you¡¯re their little sister. The leaders of Hero¡¯s Militia¡¯s little sister became a CatBoy general.¡±

    I glare daggers at him.

    ¡°I¡¯m not an idiot!¡± he yells, grabbing his head and screaming. ¡°He¡¯ll talk to me. Assailant will tell me everything when he¡¯s desperate.¡±

    I pull him back to his feet. ¡°Fruity could read what happened with Assailant in an instant. She¡¯s captured by another RiftRipper. We need to take him down too? Are you up for it?¡±

    Rival opens his shirt, revealing a gruesome image. ¡°They don¡¯t call me the Hero with a Thousand Faces for nothing.¡±

    His whole body cackles.

    I cough as I wake up. The world is black and white. I see him, my hero, standing above me. ¡°Where¡­is the color?¡± I ask weakly.

    ¡°Oh shit. She¡¯s been so hurt so bad she thinks she¡¯s in a manga!¡± yells my hero.

    White Knight stands tall and proud. ¡°I didn¡¯t just protect a girl. In her near death she has become color blind. She now teeters on the edge of a true handicap!¡± He looks at her, his eyes glowing pink. ¡°One day you¡¯re going to blossom into a gorgeous independent woman and willingly surrender that body to me in overflowing gratitude!¡± He pelvic thrusts the air.

    Ugh¡­this guy. I had hoped I¡¯d never see him again.

    Main¡¯s hair picks him up and moves him about ten feet away from me. ¡°Ignore him. Are you alright?¡±

    ¡°What happened to me?¡± I ask, wiping my eyes.

    Nope. Still no color.

    ¡°You were attacked by a crazed side character. They wanted to be the heroine and were willing to kill you get your job. A real life Don Patchinko desperate to be an angel!¡±

    He¡¯s so cute. But I really don¡¯t remember what happened. Is he keeping something hurtful from me?

    ¡°White Knight, where did the attacker go?¡±

    ¡°Well, he ran off in fear of course. Once he realized that each thread in my flag cape of social justice was a gift from a citizen I saved, he knew he stood no chance.¡±

    ¡°Got it, so someone else must be fighting him now.¡±

    Daddy!

    ¡°Main¡­I think it¡¯s¡­¡±

    ¡°Yeah, Assailant. I can kinda hear your thoughts. I passed on POV and you picked it up so don¡¯t think anything wierd.¡±

    Oh my. Then you know I wanna ride you till your big snake snaps in two?

    The look of fear and embarrassment on his chiseled face let me know he can indeed hear my thoughts.

    He takes a step toward me.

    ¡°Oh my did that excite you?¡± I giggle.

    ¡°I meant to take a step back, but being a side character means I¡¯m stuck with tank controls. Not that I hate the classics or anything but I prefer my first person dual analog control honestly. Okay, seriously though¡­being a side character is terrible! Having to move your body using someone else¡¯s eyes as a focal point. I don¡¯t know how you fight like this.¡±

    Is he being serious?

    He picks me up off the ground but almost falls over.

    ¡°Main, I see from my eyes. Everyone does.¡± I lift my skirt and flash him my panties.

    ¡°Yeah, I literally saw nothing.¡±

    Oooh, I know.

    I stick my finger in my undies, get it wet and then pull it out and lick. ¡°How do I taste?¡±

    Yes! I¡¯m back in control just in time to not taste something super weird!

    ¡°Thanks, Runt, for singing that song for me.¡±

    ¡°No problem! You¡¯re the best!¡± he cheers, jumping into a hug with me.

    ¡°Hey, how come I couldn¡¯t see you when I lost POV?¡±

    ¡°Maybe cuz you weren¡¯t believing. I dunno.¡±

    ¡°Geez, you aren¡¯t Pixiebell.¡± I ruffle his hair.

    ¡°Ummm, you¡¯re still moving kinda weird. Is that a ghost your patting?¡±

    Runt hides behind me.

    ¡°No. That¡¯s Runt. You should rest your eyes okay.¡±

    ¡°Okay, Master!¡± Stalker giggles.

    ¡°White Knight, keep her safe okay.¡±

    He bows. ¡°I won¡¯t lay a finger on her until she blossoms into an eighteen-year old.¡±

    ¡°See, I¡¯m not the only one.¡±

    ¡°Yeah, but I¡¯m way older than eighteen,¡± she smiles at me mischievously.

    ¡°Can you help me save these people? Hold up, where did the General go?¡± I ask, turning to White Knight.

    ¡°He suddenly vanished and a blind man walked out of here, escorted by me, of course.¡± White Knights poses with pride.

    Ugh. This guy is such an idiot.

    ¡°I¡¯ll be back in just a bit.¡± I turn away.

    Stalker grabs my hand. ¡°I¡¯m coming with you. I¡¯m gonna help too. I won¡¯t let this place burn down a second time!¡±

    We join forces and take down every CatBoy we come across.

    ¡°Damn it. Fighting generic looking minions to save generic looking villagers. This isn¡¯t how I saw my finale going!¡± I yell, holding my forehead as my hair fist pummels a group of enemy soldiers.

    ¡°Oh, it¡¯s the season finale already!¡± Stalker jumps for joy.

    ¡°Yeah and no guarantee for renewal yet. Gotta make things extra showy.¡±

    I expected Flam to show up so that the season would end on the high note of me kicking his ass.

    ¡°Then let me get hurt. No way am I allowing big brother to take another hit,¡± she says, running toward a gathering of twelve CatBoy soldiers.

    No! Never again am I letting her be in danger. I will protect her. Best Friend¡¯s heart will tremble at my heroism.

    My hair grabs some burning rubble and slams it into the soldiers, possibly killing them.

    But no confirmed kills so don¡¯t expect a dark character arc from me.

    ¡°You seem on edge.¡± Stalker looks up at me.

    ¡°I¡¯m fine. Just protecting my ally is all.¡± My hair picks up one of the CatBoys and bludgeons one into the ground with his body.

    Stalker flies up and pinches my cheeks. ¡°Relax, if my life is in danger, then you might get a new power.¡± She pokes my nose.

    ¡°Legendary angel here! Come and get her!¡± I holler, lifting up Stalker.

    This isn¡¯t just about making my Best Friend lust for me anymore. I think I¡­really want to keep her safe.

    ¡°I¡¯m over here!¡± yells Glasses Kid, getting the enemies attention.

    He walks toward the CatBoys with his eyes closed.

    TomCat rushes in front of him, taking several arrows in his stead before blasting away the soldiers with a powerful punch.

    Glasses Kid peeks up and pats her butt. ¡°Thanks for protecting me. I don¡¯t know what would happen to your friend if you hadn¡¯t.¡± He lifts his shirt and shows the purple mark where the Lovu Leechi resides.

    TomCat growls at him but continues to fight. Her eyes suddenly widen when she notices two shadows fighting on the rooftop.

    ¡°Is that Assailant?¡± I ask her.

    She clenches her fist till it bleeds. ¡°Get me Stalker¡¯s Journal and I¡¯ll date you, got it.¡±

    ¡°Heh. Who said I wanted to date you?¡± I ask nonchalantly while bouncing in excitement.

    ¡°Fruity is in danger! Dere Dere has the journal. Find her and get it back for me or I¡¯ll break your arms!¡± she twists my arm behind my back.

    Now that¡¯s more of the response I was hoping for.

    ¡°Hey!¡± Hollers Glasses Kid. ¡°I think my leg is broken. Won¡¯t you carry me, kitty?¡±

    TomCat closes her eyes and clenches her fist. ¡°She doesn¡¯t even remember me. Why should I care.¡± She goes up to Glasses Kid and kicks him.

    He yells and grabs his stomach.

    ¡°Go ahead and die. You already killed her.¡± Tears stream down her cheeks. She then rushes off to engage the two RiftRippers.

    Well I¡¯m not letting either of them die.

    I sock an incoming soldier in the face with my hair and then pick up Glasses Kid with it.

    ¡°Get him to safety. I¡¯ll create a distraction,¡± says Stalker, her hands gathering energy.

    ¡°Didn¡¯t you hear me? I¡¯m not leaving anyone behind!¡± I exclaim heroically.

    Stalker squeals in delight. ¡°Thanks Main! That means a lot to me. But I¡¯m not giving myself up as bait.¡± The light between her hands becomes more concentrated.

    Light shoots out from Stalker¡¯s palm like a massive beam. She blinds all the oncoming cat boys and luckily wasn¡¯t facing us.

    Wow! It¡¯s like a solar flare! So epic!

    I notice a shadow gliding across the ground toward her. On the rooftops TomCat is fighting a RiftRipper so chances are this shadow is Assailant. But what if I¡¯m wrong. If Sickle is trying to finish the job then I have to stop him.

    ¡°Watch out!¡± I yell.

    Stalker looks at me curiously.

    I can¡¯t reach her in time. Got to find some way of rescuing her.

    As long as I use Mascot as a plot device, I can still get credit for this rescue. Time to gain some hero points!

    My hair reaches into the infinity satchel.

    Sickle rises behind Stalker. ¡°This world is a nightmare. The only way the sun will ever shine again is if all the nasty figments are sliced to pieces!¡±

    ¡°Sickle! Wait¡­you¡¯re the one who hurt me. But we¡¯re friends. You were so nice to me.¡± Stalker takes a step back.

    Damn it! How is this tiny bag so damn deep!? The Whoradram have turned on me.

    Sickle¡¯s scythes remove her legs. ¡°This world is a tragic place. It should be cut to ribbons so that it can be put back together as a pretty collage.¡± He hoisted up her body with a tendril.

    ¡°Who did this to you?¡±

    ¡°This twisted world broke me, but one man made me see the tragic truth. He¡¯ll be here any moment.¡± His blades slice her cheeks.

    Blood drips down her face as she cries.

    Red roses suddenly burst around the area. A detestable man with a living scarf struts out of the pink fumes from the beauty bombs.

    Bought damn time he showed up. And just in time.

    ¡°Chaos Control!¡± I yell as I pull out Mascot.

    All the CatBoys freeze. Even Flam can¡¯t move. Sickle¡¯s blades go limp.

    The floating chimera is upside down, sleeping with his starry eyes shut and making the cutest sound possible.

    I grip my chest.

    Damn it. I may have just killed us all.

    ¡°There you are!¡± Yandy rushes at Mascot, with her tongue out and her body arched.

    A line of blood shurikens hit her legs and she tumbles over.

    Flam looks over at her. ¡°I want my beloved creation returned to me. Get up and fulfill my wishes!¡±

    ¡°Yes, Master,¡± says Yandy in terror, rising up on shaky legs.

    She was the traitor!? Too obvious! I demand a less predictable plot twist.

    Best Friend stands in her path. His blood becomes like a whip and smacks her weapon from her hand. He then turns the blood on her legs into chains.

    Sooo sexy! Blood bondage, hell yes! Sign me up!

    Best Friend steps up to Mascot.

    Wait. Wasn¡¯t he affected before?

    ¡°You poor, miserable creature.¡± He places his hand on Mascot and then creates a blade of blood. He looks at Glasses Kid who is snickering.

    ¡°Sorry. Just wanted to see how long I could hold still. I¡¯m not affected¡­and neither are you,¡± he looks at Best Friend curiously.

    ¡°I hope you will succeed where I have failed.¡± Best Friend¡¯s blood blade hand comes down.

    The infinity satchel falls to the floor, along with Glasses Kid¡¯s hand.

    Wow. Okay this is a uhh¡­unpredictable twist. Umm¡­what is going on exactly?

    Best Friend kicks off the hand and grabs the satchel. ¡°I failed in my mission.¡± He approaches Flamboyant Villain. He shoves Mascot in the bag. ¡°But I did retrieve the deserter.¡±

    WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON!? Did Rian Johnstoned hijack my script?

    Flam looks at Best Friend with a look of utter shock.

    Even he doesn¡¯t know what is happening. Wait. Of course. Best Friend is just closing in for the kill. I just gotta play along.

    ¡°How could you betray me!?¡± I yell with fake tears.

    ¡°I failed you. But my allegiance was never yours.¡± He gets down on his knee and kisses Flam¡¯s hand.

    Flam then starts giggling. ¡°Sorry! I can¡¯t pretend to be surprised anymore. You tried to find me a worthy vessel, but he¡¯s just no good. Kill Main and let¡¯s figure out what orphan you should raise for me next.¡±

    This isn¡¯t some Best Flam fanfic lemon. This is real.

    Best Friend comes to me with blood blades in hand. ¡°I really wanted you to succeed. Such a bloody shame.¡±

    ¡°Was that a pun?¡± asks Yandy. ¡°Your puns are always so dark and funny.¡±

    ¡°Best Friend hates puns and he loves me!¡±

    ¡°Make it messy, bro. Then I¡¯ll wash you off in the tub later!¡± Yandy smiles sweetly.

    Bro? He¡¯s her brother?

    ¡°I won¡¯t keep you waiting, sis.¡± He tosses a blood shuriken at my forehead.

    My hair shields my face. When it parts I see his eyes. He¡¯s staring at me, but there¡¯s no love. There¡¯s not even hate. Just disappointment.

    My Best Friend wants to kill me.

 Episode I Dont Give a F#$* Anymore

    This is it. The fight you wanted. Sickos like you love to see friends, best friends, fight to the death. You get off on the tragedy of it, the drama of it. I remember when I first read Naruto¡¯s battle against Sasuke. The history of their friendship elevated the battle into a true legend. I understand why you wanted this. But what about their feelings? My heart feels like its coated in a thorn of daggers. This isn¡¯t like that cop out battle of Natsu versus Gray¡­this is the real deal. He¡¯s coming to kill me. And all you¡¯re going to do is savor our tragedy. You, the person who¡¯s watching my anime right now, you¡¯re no different than Flamboyant villain.

    I look at his eyes. There¡¯s no love. My stomach sinks.

    Should I even fight? Or just die here? I don¡¯t even care anymore.

    I only believed I could be a hero because of him. But that was all just a lie.

    ¡°Main, it¡¯s me Glasses Kid. Don¡¯t let go of your POV. When you surrender it, you lose Plot Armor and the ability to retcon.¡±

    I¡¯m not scared to die offscreen like so many Assguardians. If I die, then maybe I¡¯ll become another Isekai protagonist. Haha! Nah, no way that will happen again. I think there¡¯s just darkness, right? Nothing as far as the eye can see. No pain. I won¡¯t even remember him.

    ¡°Go ahead and do it! Kill me!¡± I yell at him.

    POV STALKER

    Mr. Sickle used to be so nice. But here he is¡­trying to kill me. I could fly away, but then I¡¯d never find out why. Something must have happened to him and I can help.

    I have to help him.

    I swoop through his curved blade assault. The blades bend and slice my feet but I push through and slam into him. ¡°Mr. Sickle, why are you doing this?¡±

    ¡°Why¡­that¡¯s what I asked too.¡± His body opens up into blades.

    I place a barrier around my body as soon as I¡¯m cut.

    His form splits, causing me to speed through it and crash into a building.

    ¡°Angel, what do you see now?¡± he asks, slashing at my shield with his scythes.

    ¡°I see a sad friend. You¡¯re suffering. Please, talk to me.¡±

    ¡°All I see is red. The sky¡­the people¡­even the smiles. It¡¯s all red!¡±

    His misery causes his blades to distort for an instant, bypassing my shield.

    I keep my gaze firm on him as the blades cut me. I smile through my pain, hoping to somehow reach him.

    She¡¯s going to make it through this. How does she keep on smiling through the pain? Why do I care about anything anymore? Is Glasses Kid okay? I wonder, can I shift to his POV now?

    POV GLASSES KID

    I seal up the wound with some stone sap and stuff my severed hand in my pocket.

    I should have figured out that Best Friend was a plant. How could I have ignored all the signs? What sort of genius am I? You¡¯re spying on my thoughts, Main. Then you know that I am your ally. I¡¯m going to help you defeat Best Friend. So stay alive. Your teacher commands it!

    I rush out the village and to the forest just beyond. ¡°There you are. What are you doing now?¡±

    Kuu is in the forest.

    ¡°Signaling your allies again? I know that¡¯s what you were doing in the forest. I know you¡¯re a spy. But I don¡¯t know for what side. How about we play a game. If I win, you have to let me know who you really serve.¡±

    Kuu looks at me, her eyes in an intoxicated gaze. ¡°I do like games.¡±

    ¡°Great! Well this one is simple¡­¡±

    Pollen in the air. When did it get so close?

    I stumble over a branch clumsily and fall over.

    Can¡¯t reach me from below. If she¡¯s attacking though, I have to find some way to retaliate. Let¡¯s see if this works.

    I swipe my pad, aiming at the tree branch above Kuu.

    Fall. Fall. Fall.

    The branch doesn¡¯t budge an inch.

    Ugh. I¡¯ve grown so weak.

    ¡°How about a simple game of¡­¡±

    ¡°Life and death.¡± Her head get coated in a noxious fume, making a purple skull around her head.

    She wants me dead. Well that doesn¡¯t really narrow things down. Hmm, gotta figure out her allegiance somehow. Good thing I came prepared.

    ¡°Help! Little brother is in danger!¡± I yell as loud as I can.

    Kuu looks around curiously. ¡°Are you talking to the ghost bunnies? They don¡¯t listen to anyone but their little bunny hearts.¡±

    ¡°Bunnies don¡¯t exist in SteamPunk. Only BunBuns. So you came from Earth!¡± I exclaim, pointing at her.

    Her neck bends and her body contorts.

    No¡­that¡¯s definitely wrong. She¡¯s had contact with heroes is all. But so has her whole team. I just need her to slip up before she kills me.

    Vines come out from beneath me and grab my legs.

    ¡°No escape from deaths cuddle puddle,¡± she says, her vines fusing with my legs.

    ¡°Stay away!¡± ¡°From our!¡± ¡°Little brother!¡± A squad of CatBoys rush in to attack Kuu.

    Just a little memory manipulation and they were completely reprogrammed. Too bad only these three heard me. Thankfully I already equipped them.

    Kuu paralyzes them with toxins just before they reach her.

    Definitely still in range.

    I pick up three rocks from the ground and throw them at the explosives I had them place on their backs.

    The rock falls after only a foot.

    Even with all the proper calculations. Without strength my plans will fail. Am I going to die here?

    ¡°Alright!¡± I raise my hand. ¡°You win. I¡¯ll join your team, alright? Just don¡¯t kill me!¡± I make my eyes gush tears as if I was actually afraid.

    Her vines stop bending my legs. ¡°You wanna join me in the primal soup?¡±

    Primordial soup, right? Does she want to restart life itself? Or is she just weird?

    ¡°Oh yeah! I got my bathing suit underneath at all times just in case its soup time.¡±

    Kuu¡¯s neck opens up with multiple mouths and starts giggling.

    Her body releases fumes and my CatBoy protectors start laughing.

    They laugh until they suffocate and die.

    Bingo!

    With their hearts stopped, the bombs on their backs burst.

    I break my legs free of the burnt vines but I can¡¯t pinpoint her location with all the smoke. I use my collar to cover my mouth and start making my way to escape the burning forest.

    My leg gets snagged and I¡¯m suddenly lifted off my feet.

    I dangle from a tree branch, my leg connected to one of her vines.

    No surprise she¡¯s still alive. But to react that quick means she doesn¡¯t rely on sight, but rather by touch.

    ¡°Wow! Looks like you caught him.¡±

    I look down at the source of the voice. It¡¯s some kid with glasses.

    Is he a hero?

    ¡°Oh, the library enters the sea of fire and flowers,¡± says Kuu, dancing while the flames coat her body.

    Her fumes collect the flame and send it to the tree I¡¯m dangling from.

    ¡°New game. Discover my secret before you become ashes.¡± Kuu smiles at me.

    Glasses Kid. It¡¯s me Main. I¡¯m not sure you can hear me. But someone has to know about her. Buy some time. I¡¯m gonna keep searching. I¡¯m not afraid of dying, but I won¡¯t die a bad friend.

    ¡°Ooooh. Tears of desperation to douse the fire of my passion.¡± Kuu giggles.

    ¡°Wow, this is pathetic. Can¡¯t think of any other way to stop the fire. You really are the dumbest of us all,¡± says the kid with glasses.

    ¡°Is that what you think? Nope. These tears are for you. I¡¯m thinking about all the pain you¡¯ll be in when I escape. It¡¯s so funny it¡¯s making my eyes water! Ehehehehahahaha!¡±

    Leave me to my thoughts. Search for the answer. I can deal with these two fools.

    POV DANDY

    Huh? Why do I suddenly feel important? Is someone watching me?

    I can¡¯t believe Yandy is a bag girl. She¡¯s always so nice to me. Hitting me, bullying me even when she¡¯s exhausted. She always hates me with her whole heart. But now she¡¯s¡­she doesn¡¯t even notice when I¡¯m looking right at her.

    Yandy pushes me out of the way. ¡°Don¡¯t interfere, Dandy.¡±

    Yay! She¡¯s not ignoring me!

    ¡°Wait up, bro bro!¡± Yandy runs to Best Friend and cuddles his arm.

    Best Friend smiles at her. ¡°What¡¯s up, little sis?¡±

    ¡°The heroes not awake so killing him now is boring.¡± She places a Psyren frog in his hand.

    ¡°This is someone not something,¡± he said, bonking her head.

    Sibling love is so lovely.

    ¡°I just want you to record his screams for me! Then we can listen to them while we chill on the couch and eat snacks later.¡± She pokes him playfully with her sword.

    He smiles and his cheeks become flushed. ¡°I can¡¯t deny my little sister.¡± He kisses her forehead.

    ¡°NO!¡± I yell as loudly as my little voice will carry.

    They turn to face me.

    Yandy rushes up to me and drags her dull blade across the ground, teasing me.

    ¡°You¡¯re both terrible. Main¡­he loves you! Why don¡¯t you care?¡± I ask.

    ¡°A heart can only bleed so much before it¡¯s empty,¡± says Best Friend.

    ¡°And you!¡± I glare at Yandy. ¡°You think his broken heart is funny? Well there¡¯s nothing funny about love that is lost. You¡¯re being bad!¡±

    Yandy laughs. ¡°What are you gonna do about it? How about this? Either you help us or I¡¯ll kill you?¡± She drags the blade in the air above my throat.

    ¡°No! I only help my friends. Nobody who laughs at a break up can be my friend! I¡¯m gonna stop you!¡± I pull out my whip.

    Yandy slaps the weapon out of my hand. ¡°You can¡¯t even activate that thing without authorization. You¡¯re too pathetic to kill. I only hurt you because it got me wet! Honestly you¡¯re so forgettable¡­umm, what¡¯s your name again?¡±This tale has been unlawfully lifted without the author''s consent. Report any appearances on Amazon.

    My awareness flickers.

    No. I can¡¯t go out. He¡¯s still waiting for me. My knight. And yeah if Main dies, then he¡¯ll be the number one hero again, but then the angel girl will be sad. Killing the loveless is fine and dandy but¡­if they are loved by someone¡­even if it isn¡¯t reciprocated¡­then I¡¯ll fight for them with all my strength.

    ¡°What are you saying? Speak up. Oh wait, I forgot. I don¡¯t care.¡± Yandy grins.

    I put my focus on my fist and send it slamming into her face.

    Yandy almost falls over and holds her cheek. She turns her attention to her brother. ¡°I¡¯m gonna kill her but its gonna be messy. Film me beautifully.¡± She does a twirl and winks at him.

    ¡°Make me proud my DeathTube star.¡± He ruffles her hair and makes a box with his hands.

    If I stay in that little box, then I¡¯ll be able to stay strong. Even without my weapon, I can win.

    ¡°Pay attention, ghost girl!¡± Yandy slams her sword into my chest.

    It hits hard but it doesn¡¯t cut me.

    ¡°No way. You¡¯re too pathetic to cut. Fine then¡­¡± She grabs my face and slams me through the wall of a burning building.

    Inside some young men are cowering.

    Yandy raises her blade. ¡°I¡¯ll just have to feed my blade with some extras first!¡± She bludgeons the first two and her blade collects the blood. Her next slash decapitates the third teenager.

    I tackle her as she holds her blade above the blood fountain coming from his throat.

    I focus my power and place my awareness just above the severed neck, making the blood disappear.

    Yandy growls and slices my leg with her sword, but it¡¯s only a surface wound.

    ¡°Do you want some help, dear sister?¡± asks Best Friend, pulling the blood out of the corpse and positioning it around me as spikes.

    ¡°Just keep filming me!¡± Yandy swipes her blade, collecting the blood spikes in the air to sharpen her blade.

    I hug myself tightly, making the sword pass through me.

    I can really do this.

    Yandy puts her hand in my chest and when I rematerialize I can feel her hand around my heart. ¡°A quick, painless and forgettable death for a dull girl.¡± She grins at me.

    Why did I think I could ever beat her? I¡¯m worthless.

    POV TOMCAT

    I can feel your eyes on me, creep. Not that it matters. All that matters is killing this accursed assassin.

    I chase the fleeing RiftRipper to the rooftop of the main hall.

    ¡°I keep punching you but you won¡¯t fight back or say anything!¡± I yell, sending another shockwave his way.

    The creature¡¯s back hardens to weaken the impact.

    ¡°How about this. Either you fight me or I go after your daughter. I¡¯ll try to take my time breaking her but sometimes I get excited and just burst their heads like a coconut.¡± I grab his head and slam him against the ceiling.

    His tendrils come out and wrap around me.

    ¡°I¡¯m searching for someone. I¡¯d rather not kill my daughter¡¯s new friend. But I suppose if I shred you to tiny bits, I can just say you ran off and she¡¯d be none the wiser.¡± Assailant¡¯s tendrils grow razors and slide up and down my body, slicing me up.

    I slam a metal pole into the creature and then kick it with my BunBun slippers repeatedly, shocking the murderer. ¡°Were you so indifferent when you murdered my brothers?¡± My eyesight goes foggy as rage fills me up.

    ¡°An assassin must be as focused and calm as a knife when it takes the kill.¡± A bladed tendril stabs into my side.

    I grit my teeth as I¡¯m electrocuted with him.

    How is this doing nothing to him? If that human Rival can defeat a RiftRipper, why can¡¯t I? I have to kill him for my brothers.

    ¡°What were their dying words?¡± Tears drop from my cheeks. ¡°Did they talk about me?¡±

    ¡°Most of the time I just hear screams. Being cleaved to pieces is a painful way to go. Hard to be articulate.¡± More tendrils come out from his back and start flailing around.

    I punch, engaging the pistons in my kitty gauntlets.

    The roof breaks and I kick off him.

    Another RiftRipper looks at Assailant curiously when he lands.

    ¡°Destiny calls once more, but I¡¯m ill prepared.¡± The Shadow Truth assassin flees the building and Assailant rushes after him.

    No! I¡¯m not letting him get away. He has to die!

    POV RIVAL

    Yoink. I¡¯m gonna need my hero perks if I¡¯m gonna beat this little cutie.

    ¡°Hey, why don¡¯t you just hand over that book?¡± I ask, slowly approaching Dere Dere.

    Ugh! You¡¯re such a moron. You know the only way to get things you want in life is by force. Take it from her!

    ¡°Shut up, Dad!¡±

    ¡°Mwahahaha! You want the deity¡¯s new bedtime story, then you must catch me. One touch and I¡¯ll hand it over.¡± Dere Dere zooms directly in front of me.

    My hand reaches out to her but she suddenly vanishes.

    She¡¯s suddenly behind me and pokes my back.

    A blue aura appears around my body.

    Oh shit. She¡¯s hungry.

    Dere Dere noms on my aura like a tiger cub.

    Too cute. Can¡¯t think straight.

    ¡°You think I¡¯m here for that book¡­I just want a hug, cutie pie.¡± My hand moves very slowly toward her foot so she won¡¯t notice.

    Just before contact it¡¯s zapped.

    Dere Dere sits on my head and hops around my shoulders to dodge my attempts to grab her. ¡°I¡¯m sparring you mortal. Direct contact with the Deity¡¯s charged body would destroy you!¡±

    No way I can catch her after she¡¯s feasted on my energy. Gotta find someway to get her to lower her guard.

    My hair suddenly juts out.

    ¡°Energy is a song and that song is telling me your mortal thoughts.¡± Dere Dere hops around the stones on the ground, dodging my hair with perfect timing.

    I create a web with my hair and bring it down but she speeds up behind me. ¡°Still hungry.¡± Her eyes change shape. ¡°Deity¡¯s Harvest!¡± My aura suddenly twists around my body and clings to my body with suction cups.

    Pathetic. Losing to a child.

    I start to cry.

    My conscience is an asshole but he¡¯s right. I am pathetic.

    I feel the tentacles¡¯ grip weakening.

    ¡°Why does the mortal cry?¡± asks Dere Dere, titling her head curiously.

    ¡°I¡¯m helpless and pathetic. Be honest. I¡¯m a has been. My life is meaningless.¡±

    ¡°Hmm.¡± Dere Dere looks up at me. ¡°Without faith mortals have no master to serve and no guru from which to learn from.¡±

    The tentacles release me and I fall to the floor on my knees.

    Dere Dere looks at me curiously. ¡°Do you want to die?¡± Her hair pulses with electrical energy.

    I nod in tears.

    If I die, then the hope will go away. That cruel little tease will finally let me rest.

    ¡°Very well. The Deity hears your plea.¡± Dere Dere grabs my hand. ¡°From now on your life belongs to the Deity of the Deep.¡± She grabs my hand. ¡°My whims are your dharma.¡±

    My eyes go wide. I look down at my hand. It¡¯s touching hers.

    ¡°I¡­I won.¡±

    Dere Dere releases my hand and takes a step back. ¡°Impossible. A true Deity is beyond deception.¡±

    I look up and smile at her. ¡°Yeah, if I had some sort of plan, then my energy flow would have given it away to you. But that¡¯s not what happened. I meant everything I said. Your desire to help me made you forget the rules of the game. But you still lost.¡±

    You beat a child without meaning to. What do you want, a medal? You¡¯re pathetic.

    Yep and it¡¯s because I¡¯m pathetic that I won.

    Ha! Are you actually proud of that?

    Yeah! I am proud of it! And you won¡¯t bring me down.

    Dere Dere¡¯s eyes go blank and she hands me the book.

    What just happened? No way a god could be affected by the Sound.

    Her eyes return to normal and she looks up at me with surprise. ¡°When did you take from the Deity!?¡±

    ¡°I didn¡¯t. You gave it to me.¡±

    ¡°Mwaha! Yes of course. A deity never lies. Otherwise would get bored playing with mortals.¡±

    ¡°Hey look. I appreciate the offer but I can¡¯t risk a bond like that. If you really want me to do something, just fry my insides until I give in. That okay?¡±

    Dere Dere grins mischievously. ¡°Aww, too shy to admit you want to worship the Deity! Very well, the Deity will respect your cowardice.¡± She pats my head.

    I nuzzle her hand.

    Head pats¡­still feel good¡­after all this time.

    POV TSUNDY

    Yandy was a traitor all along. Was she just spying on us? I need answers. And there¡¯s only one way to get them.

    I glare at Flam. ¡°Hey, what the hell is going on? Why is my comrade on your side?¡±

    He looks at me from the corner of his eye and giggles. ¡°A maiden never kisses and tells. Fufufu.¡±

    ¡°Then I¡¯ll have to beat you until you no longer feel pretty.¡± I rush toward him, gathering my energy in my fist.

    His scarf shoots out at me and wraps around my arm.

    I grimace as I feel teeth biting off bits of my flesh. I tear the scarf off and stomp it repeatedly, making the roof of the building I¡¯m standing on collapse. My hands fasten the scarf around them before I pull with all my might. The scarf suddenly smashes me into an assortment of barrels and my body gets drenched in wine.

    Yuck. I hate traditional beverages.

    Flam descends with what appear to be butterfly wings.

    Those are the same wings that creature has. That¡¯s no coincidence.

    Flam twists my arms behind my back. ¡°Alright you have my attention. And you¡¯re very cute¡­hmm except for these.¡± His scarf slides into my sweater and wraps around my breasts, squeezing them hard.

    I didn¡¯t ask to for these giant melons. But I¡¯ll show him they won¡¯t hold me back!

    My aura pulses, paralyzing his scarf for a moment. I rush forward to punch him.

    His head becomes like rock before he slams it into my fist. His scarf then revitalizes itself and trips me.

    Why does my hand hurt? No stone should be stronger than my fist.

    ¡°Is that really all you¡¯ve got?¡± His scarf slices my leg and brings me to my knees.

    If I don¡¯t step things up, I¡¯m going to die here. I don¡¯t get to die after what I¡¯ve done. No rest for the sinners.

    I take my pinefruit pendant and dip it in the puddle of blood at my feet.

    I didn¡¯t want to have to do this.

    The blood is collected by the pendant until it transforms into a spiky mace. ¡°Ha! You need me after all! I waited, biding my time until you would call upon me once again. You know you can¡¯t abandon me, girl.¡±

    Ugh. I hate this prickly prick.

    I slam him against the puddle. ¡°Got your fill? Good. Now, you ready to help?¡±

    Flam looks at my weapon curiously. ¡°The rumors are true then. You have tamed a HellBrand and turned it into a KeyChum. How dangerous are you really?¡±

    ¡°She didn¡¯t tame me! I pitied her and decided to tag along!¡± yells my mace.

    ¡°Piney, shut up and help me kill this beautiful asshole!¡± I yell, punching the mace.

    My mace glares at me with a spectral eye. ¡°No respect. You know the drill, sourpuss. Blood activates us but we need something more to grow stronger.¡±

    Flam sits on his scarf. ¡°Show me the extent of your power. I¡¯ve never witnessed one of the legendary WokeWeapons in actions.¡±

    Ugh. This is the worst part.

    I blush and grit my teeth. ¡°Piney, you¡¯re cool and stuff.¡±

    ¡°That was pathetic.¡± The mace hits my head.

    ¡°Ow! Don¡¯t piss me off moron!¡± I yell, slamming the mace against the ground.

    ¡°Then compliment me better! If you don¡¯t, he¡¯ll just kill you and take me away, right?¡± Piney looks to Flam.

    ¡°Oh, that is a great idea. And its true. If I¡¯m bored your dead.¡± Flam shrugs.

    ¡°Fine!¡± I puff out my cheeks. ¡°You¡¯re really cool Piney. You¡¯re super strong and beautiful.¡±

    ¡°I truly am beautiful, aren¡¯t I?¡± Piney grows in my grip.

    ¡°Yeah and when I was little you¡¯d always protect me. And you¡¯re so awesome and brave too.¡±

    ¡°Keep the compliment buffet coming, babe!¡± He doubles in size.

    Ugh. I hate being called ¡°babe¡±.

    I bite my lip. ¡°You¡¯re a legend among legends and I¡¯m unworthy to wield you.¡±

    The mace glows with a molten aura.

    ¡°Thanks for showing me how it works.¡± Flam¡¯s scarf sharpens like a sword and cuts off my hand. It then pulls the mace up to him.

    He cut through my muscle like it was nothing. I never should have confronted him.

    He twirls the mace around as he approaches me.

    I have to hit him the moment he¡¯s within range.

    My leg gathers energy and I simultaneously pool energy inside my fist where he can¡¯t see.

    ¡°Killed by your own weapon.¡± Flam¡¯s gaze meets mine and my body starts turning to stone.

    How many powers does he have?

    ¡°How tragic.¡± He raises the mace and slams it down on me.

    Energy bursts into me, coating me in molten armor.

    Piney grins at me. ¡°Hot stuff. There isn¡¯t anyone alive more worthy than you. Kick his ass for the both of us.¡±

    I slam my fist into his chest, grab my mace and slam it into him. ¡°TomBoy¡¯s Inferno!¡± My aura cripples him as the lava bursts out and obliterates him.

    POV MAIN

    Holy shit! Tsundy just obliterated Flam. No Flam means no betrayal, right? If Best Friend has nobody to serve, then he has to come back to me!

    ¡°Oh, Main, you foolish boy. I won¡¯t die so easily,¡± says Flam, still annoying me with his creepy telepathy.

    ¡°Morning sunshine,¡± says Best Friend, his eyes cold and unfeeling.

    That¡¯s supposed to make me feel warm, but I feel¡­empty.

    ¡°Are you really going to die in tears?¡± He clenches his teeth. ¡°I raised you better than that.¡± A blood kunai hits my shoulder and brings me back into awareness.

    He¡¯s coming to kill me. If I don¡¯t fight, I will freaking die!

    I tear out the kunai and toss it aside, glaring at him with anger.

    Eyes full of rage can still see, but tears cloud the vision. A moment of weakness can be the difference between life and death. Ha! Eat that, asshole! I¡¯m going to use your teachings to defeat you!

    ¡°You were crying so much that day. I doubt you remember.¡±

    My hair goes limp and my legs freeze up.

    ¡°Remember what? Don¡¯t you dare say another word! Explain yourself now, asshole!¡± I yell in tears.

    ¡°Indecisive as ever. I made you into a hero. All the best heroes are orphans, after all,¡± he says as he cuts his arm and forms a blood sword.

    No. No. No. No. No.

    ¡°You will join them soon. And be a happy family again.¡± His eyes water up.

    My hair shoots out as single strands before coming together into a fist and slamming into his face.

    Best Friend, no¡­he¡¯s not that anymore. Worst Enemy¡¯s treacherous face undulates and twists before he¡¯s sent flying off the roof and smashing into a building in the distance.

    I fall to my knees and sob.

    He¡¯s the one who told me that story about my birth. It was a lie. Everything was a damn lie.

    The bodies below suddenly gush out fountains of blood. The blood bends into a slide.

    Worst Enemy rides the slide back up to me. ¡°You owe me your life. You wouldn¡¯t be who you are today without my help. You¡¯d just be a boring, average kid, the kind of person you despise.¡±

    ¡°You fucked me.¡± I say softly.

    He stops in place. ¡°What?¡±

    ¡°You fucked me so hard. Full throttle! No condom! No kiss!¡±

    ¡°What are you going on about?¡±

    ¡°Get me some lipstick, you fucking asshole, cuz I want to at least look pretty when I get fucked!¡± My hair shoots out again.

    His hands move in a flash and slice my follicles with his blood daggers. ¡°So immature. Mommy raised you better than that.¡± He looks at me with motherly disapproval.

    ¡°You¡¯re not my mom¡­and you¡¯re not my¡­friend.¡± Tears explode from my eyes.

    Without him, what am I? Who am I?

    ¡°If I¡¯m not your friend¡­¡± He throws blood daggers at me but I grab them with my hair. He then rushes in and brings his blood katana down upon me. ¡°¡­Then you¡¯ll die friendless.¡±

    ¡°No, he won¡¯t.¡± Friendship blasts Worst Enemy at point blank range. ¡°He has me.¡±

    Worst Enemy slams his scarlet swords into the roof and is coated in fire.

    His lovely skin is burning.

    He wills the blood slide to drench his body to douse the fire.

    ¡°You were more than my best friend.¡± I wipe my tears. ¡°We bathed together. I¡¯d always scoot in between your legs. We slept together, even though I kept kicking you when I was asleep. I sit in your lap as we watched anime for as long as I can remember. You were a brother to me.¡±

    Worst Enemy looks up at me but doesn¡¯t speak. He takes an awkward step forward.

    A boner! He has a freaking boner.

    ¡°You getting off on hurting me? Is this the real you?¡± I ask, gripping Friendship with both hands and pulling the trigger.

    Worst Enemy creates a shield of blood and approaches.

    My memories with him are my ammo. To destroy him¡­I have to love him.

    ¡°You cried in my arms after we watched Clannad. Those tears weren¡¯t fake! I know they weren¡¯t!¡± I yell, keeping the beam steady by having my hair hold my legs still.

    Worst Enemy slices the Friendship beam and coats his body in blood. The blood repels the firestorm of my passionate friendship. He tosses something at my feet.

    Is that a mushroom?

    ¡°That never happened. That was a memory I created. It was to get you attached to me. I found you six years ago. You had just turned ten. It was your big day.¡±

    ¡°Who are you! The real Best Friend would know I was born on a leap year. I¡¯m only four years old.¡±

    ¡°I came up with that too. You know I always make things more dramatic for you.¡± He slices my hand, making me drop Friendship. ¡°You were ten years old when I¡­¡± His body shivers ¡°killed your parents.¡±

    My eyes go blank.

    I knew it was the truth but hearing him say it. Seeing those sweet lips spout such poison¡­I can¡¯t see anything.

    ¡°Don¡¯t die, hero!¡± yells Runt.

    People believe in you but it doesn¡¯t make you immortal in the real world. It can give you a little push but all it really amounts to is more tears at your funeral.

    My hair shoots out blindly in the hopes of hitting Worst Enemy.

    ¡°Stop lying to me! Why are you doing this!¡± I yell, my hair becoming like spikes and thrashing around.

    I hear his laugh. It sickens me now.

    ¡°I believed in you and you failed me. You were supposed to be the answer. The Hero of Destiny! What better vessel could there be for the man who was going to bring about a new era?!¡± His blades slice at my hair.

    I can feel him closing in.

    ¡°Main, you were supposed to be strong, both physically and morally. A true paragon of morality and virtue. But you¡¯ve failed so miserably in both regards.¡±

    I hear Friendship scream.

    No¡­

    My eyes come into focus to see a blood sword pierced through my rocket launcher.

    Worst Enemy slices Friendship to pieces. ¡°I¡¯m not strong enough to cut the threads of destiny. The threads that keep everything constrained and strangle meaning out of life. So if you really are the Hero of Destiny, then I can¡¯t kill you. And if you aren¡¯t, then your death¡­..means nothing to me.¡±

    I close my eyes and surrender myself. My hair falls at my sides. ¡°If I survive this cut¡­you¡­you have to come back to me.¡± I swallow my pride.

    ¡°If you die, then I¡¯m the one who failed¡­..not you.¡±

    I hear his sword being sharpened before it comes down.

    Pain is all that I feel now.

 The Final Gamble

    POV STALKER

    I create a shield around Sickle and he slices it in a frenzy.

    ¡°The world is suffering. Gotta learn to enjoy it!¡± He slices his own body as he tries to break free. His head wiggles in ecstasy and drool leaks from his body.

    These poor creatures. All they know is suffering. How can I reach them? How can I save them?

    Bottles burst and create a circle of fire around the assassin.

    I turn around, expecting to see CatBoy soldiers. My eyes water.

    He¡¯s alive.

    ¡°Yuuuuuuuu-kiiiiii!¡± I fly into his arms and sob.

    ¡°To think a lovely little lady remembered me after all these years.¡± He pats my head.

    I hear my shield shatter and burning sickles flail around us.

    Yu-ki shields me and takes a dive, avoiding most of the attacks. He smashes a bottle in his hands and blasts an incoming sickle with ice. ¡°As far as I¡¯m concerned, I¡¯m still your hero.¡± He smashes one of the tendrils and grabs onto a scythe. With the weapon in one hand and me in the other he repels the incoming assault.

    ¡°I¡¯ve contained this misery for years. Waiting for the angel to return!¡± yells Sickle, gliding across the ground and coming straight for us.

    Yuki smiles at me. ¡°Oh, you gotta check this out, Stalker. Huh, why did I call you that. Eh, no worries. Got a brand new power to dazzle you with! Beautiful Barrier!¡±

    A rainbow of energy comes from Yu-ki and forms in front of us like a shield.

    ¡°Wow! How did you get a new power!? That¡¯s super duper amazing!¡± I exclaim, snuggling his arm.

    ¡°I¡¯ll tell you in just a bit. Barrier Blast!¡± Yu-ki tosses one of his empty bottles at the barrier. It explodes and sends a blast of ice out.

    Sickle¡¯s blades swerve around the barrier and close in on us before freezing along with the rest of his body.

    ¡°You did it, Yu-ki!¡± I snuggle him fervently.

    ¡°Haha! Yeah, anything for a sexy maiden like you,¡± he says with a deep blush.

    ¡°Oooh.¡± I grab his cheeks and peck his lips. ¡°You¡¯re gonna tell me everything that happened or my lips will keep assaulting yours.¡±

    He pats me. ¡°Hey, hey, relax. I¡¯ll explain everything while I take you to your sister.¡±

    I look up at him with a blank stare.

    Luna¡­is here?

    ¡°I¡¯m sorry it took so long, but you¡¯re finally going to be reunited with her.¡±

    I hug Yu-ki and cry. ¡°You really are my hero.¡±

    Sis, I¡¯m coming to you. I¡¯m finally going to see you again!

    POV GLASSES KID

    Sorry, Stalker, but I need the point of view. I¡¯m about to burn to death and I at least want it to be seen by Main so he can be guilt tripped into making me a worthy memorial.

    ¡°Come on. The heat is strong enough to sear his skin for sure. Why isn¡¯t he suffering yet?¡± asks the other glasses kid.

    ¡°Does the little birdy have a final answer?¡± asks Kuu, touching me with her vines.

    I¡¯d rather die than answer incorrectly. Only when absolutely certain can I answer.

    The kid with the glasses pulls a glowing bead out from his pocket. ¡°We got to speed it up. The other members of Shadow Truth are waiting.¡± He looks up at Kuu.

    What a moron!

    I can¡¯t help but laugh but the laughter turns to screams when my legs are set aflame. ¡°Shadow Truth! Your true allegiance lies with shadow truth!¡±

    Kuu stares blankly. Her eyes blink. Her vines drop. ¡°The cosmos has blessed the unfortunate with a mere glimpse of truth¡¯s blinding light.¡±

    ¡°No! That little idiot just told me the answer!¡± I exclaim, struggling to break free.

    Kuu shrugs. ¡°A partial truth does not make the ground quake.¡±

    ¡°What are you saying? You¡¯re not really with us?¡± asks the kid with the glasses.

    A figure suddenly drops down.

    Brawny Babe has come to rescue me!

    She takes off his glasses, crushes them and then smashes the glass shards into his face. ¡°Nobody hurt friends.¡± She fires an arrow at the burning tree branch suspending me. My muscular savior then catches me in her arms and brushes off the flames.

    ¡°The rainbow of destiny shall dance across the cosmos when the mushrooms sing a chorus of unity.¡± Kuu¡¯s body releases smoke and she flees with the arrogant kid in tow.

    ¡°You got my distress call?¡± I ask, straddling her big arm with tears dripping from my eyes.

    ¡°Happen to walk by is all,¡± she says, scratching her head.

    Main, if you can hear this then remember that you still have comrades. I¡¯m letting go of the POV now. Chances are a lovely lady will take hold of it.

    POV DANDY

    I stare at Yandy, my ex-friend who turned out to be just a mean bully, who know holds my heart in her hands.

    ¡°I regret this decision.¡± Yandy scowls. ¡°As little as you mean to me¡­I still like gory drawn out kills. But if I move, then you die. I¡¯ve been thinking it over for the past fifteen minutes and I¡¯ve decided that I can just mutilate your corpse after your dead.¡± She pulls back and yanks out my heart.

    ¡°Ow!¡± I yell, pushing her off me.

    ¡°You¡¯re¡­still alive?¡± The lovely shocked features on her face quickly mold into a scary sadistic grin. ¡°Then I get to kill you again and again.¡±

    ¡°Those are the words of a villain!¡± exclaims the most incredibly heroic and handsome voice in all the realms.

    My knight is here!

    White Knight picks up a chair in the room and throws it at me. He teleports in front of it and grabs it. My dashingly handsome hero then tosses the chair up, kicks Yandy¡¯s legs and then pushes her into the chair.

    ¡°Don¡¯t pop my fun time!¡± Yandy slams her extra sharp cleaver at my beloved knight. It shakes in her grip and doesn¡¯t cause a dent.

    ¡°A blade dulled by villainy and violence cannot slice the armor of justice that shelters me like an independent single mother between jobs.¡± He smacks Yandy and knocks the sword out of her hand.

    ¡°Knighty, you saved me!¡± I cheer, phasing through his armor to give him a kiss on the cheek.

    He grabs my hips and dips me, deepening the kiss. When it parts my whole body is glowing.

    ¡°Knighty!? Why do you even like this creep? He¡¯s the one who forced you to wear that slutty dom gimp suit!¡± yells Yandy, slicing her legs repeatedly to collect blood for her sword.

    ¡°NO! Knighty made this for me! I wear it because I live for exposure! This outfit is like a big hug from Knighty himself at all times! It makes me feel warm. H-H-His love is more exciting than even your meanest punishments.¡± I stick out my tongue to show her just how mad I am.

    ¡°Then maybe I just need to step up my game!¡± Yandy lunges her sword at me.

    White Knight pushes me out the way and the blade cleaves his arm in two.

    No! Knighty!

    He grabs Yandy by her head and lifts her up. ¡°I am a gentleman and as such I don¡¯t hit women. However, I should warn you that sometime I get a spasm in my arm.¡± His fist slams into Yandy¡¯s face. ¡°And a lovely lady accidently gets her skull caved in.¡±

    ¡°Stop!¡± I grab onto Knighty. ¡°I don¡¯t like seeing my pure warrior taint his virtue.¡±

    Knighty tosses her aside and embraces me.

    Mmmmm. Warm.

    ¡°I¡¯ve told countless women that they are my destined soul mate, the pinnacle of beauty and other touching phrases from my justice driven heart. But you, my Equal, are the only one who truly completes me! If you have a request, then I must fulfill it.¡± He bows.

    ¡°The lovely couple can die in each other¡¯s arms!¡± yells Yandy, rushing at us with her blade.

    Dere Dere suddenly appears on her arm, poking her cheek. ¡°Zappy zappy.¡± She giggles as Yandy is electrocuted.

    My Knighty shields my eyes from the violence.

    I look at his severed arm. ¡°There¡¯s no blood. Is that metal?¡±

    He lowers his head and nods. ¡°A warrior of justice¡¯s body is riddled with scars. Since our last encounter, I lost both my angel and my arm.¡±

    ¡°And who gave you the mecha arm?¡± asks Rival, entering the burning building.

    ¡°One of the strong and capable women I know from a distant land,¡± says White Knight.

    ¡°Dere Dere evacuated the rest of the villagers. I¡¯ve got something to drop off. Tsundy told us to rescue you but she¡¯s in danger herself. Why don¡¯t you three give her some assistance?¡± I ask.

    ¡°Herherher! Such a splendid and heroic idea!¡± cheers White Knight.

    I grab his good hand and wiggle my hips. ¡°No.¡±

    ¡°Huh? Why not?¡± asks Rival.

    I grind hard against my Knighty¡¯s leg. ¡°Horny now! Pin me!¡±

    He lowers his head. ¡°I¡¯m sorry, but as a hero I must attend to this fair maiden¡¯s needs.¡±

    ¡°Putting desires before your allies. You¡¯re both pathetic excuses for heroes.¡± Rival picks up Dere Dere. ¡°Tsundy could die. You have to return and help her.¡±

    ¡°Do not command the Deity! But yeah, I won¡¯t abandon big sis!¡± Dere Dere rushes off.

    Rival glares at us. ¡°Is she dies the blame lies on your shoulders.¡±

    That glare! Mmmm. I want more glares but right now I just want to disappear as me and Knighty become one! Yay!

    POV TSUNDY

    Keep running. A warrior like me, reduced to a cowering damsel. But what choice do I have?

    I turn around and slam my mace into the fiery rubble, melting it into ash.

    ¡°Oh yeah! We make quite the team, hot stuff,¡± says Piney.

    I smash through the wall of a building with a headbutt and use the smoke to conceal my path.

    The village elder is the only one strong enough to fight off Flam.

    I find the wooden hut and quickly enter it.

    Piney looks at me with disapproval. ¡°Hey, spitfire, what happened to you? You¡¯ve let this whole spy thing make your spirit dull. The old you would have smashed that fairy king till the ground caved in. You¡¯ve grown soft. Why don¡¯t you unleash your full power?¡±

    If I did that, I could win, but what if the hero gets killed in the process? Or worse, what if I end up hurting my fellow traps?

    ¡°I couldn¡¯t help it. My whole body told me to run. My legs, they moved on their own. Just what sort of monster is he?¡± I ask, searching the room for the elder.

    An old man wheels into the room. ¡°It¡¯s over, isn¡¯t it? The village of smiles is all but ashes.¡±

    ¡°You¡¯re the village chief, why aren¡¯t you doing anything to help your people.¡± I step up to him. His body looks so weak, like a tree that¡¯s already dead.

    ¡°Flam was supposed to honor the deal. I send out a few tributes and the village is left in peace. It must have been that accursed angel. Misfortune follows her around like a dog in heat.¡±

    The door behind us is sliced open. The entire wall is then shredded to pieces.

    Flamboyant villain, with his scarf over his eyes, and his body held together by white threads emerges from the thin slices of the building. An ominous purple aura coats his body.

    ¡°We had a deal! Why did you betray me?¡± The Old Man¡¯s tears create scars on his fragile cheeks.

    Flam doesn¡¯t speak. His hair juts out like snakes and tears the Wood Primordial to pieces.

    ¡°I killed you! But now you¡¯re alive and possessed. What is going on?¡± I ask, taking steps back as soon as his toxic aura comes close to me.

    The scarf glows with energy and embraces Flam, snuggling him with passion.

    Flam fabulously moves the scarf out from his eyes and the threads on his body come back together. ¡°That was just the feast I needed.¡± His piercing eyes turn their gaze on me. ¡°You truly did kill me. Bravo!¡± He claps his hands together.

    ¡°Then how are you alive?¡± I ask, slamming my mace against his aura.

    The toxic aura deflects my attack and he approaches, backing me against the wall.

    I¡¯m too terrified to bust through. I¡¯ve become so pathetic.

    ¡°A true seamstress can sew themselves back into the plot. You aren¡¯t the first to kill me, but if you misbehave, I¡¯ll be the first to kill you.¡± His aura becomes like hands and tears at my clothes, leaving me naked.

    Damn it! Even my frilly boxers are shredded. They were custom made.

    ¡°As expected, you¡¯re a TRAP. What was the acronym again? Hmm. Tactical Recon Assault Patrol?¡± He slams me across the room with his aura, smashing me into pottery, chairs and the bed.

    ¡°Why is Yandy working for you?¡± I ask, struggling to take a step forward.

    ¡°Oooh, that look of despair and anger! Such a lovely blend. Yandy wanted to be a hero, so I repurposed her for that cause. We have the same enemy. Oh, not just her, but you and I as well. You should be at my command. I have the cutest dress for you!¡±

    His hair comes out and weaves itself into a pink and frilly dress. The aura lifts me up as he forcibly dresses me.

    Ugh. He won¡¯t just kill me. He has to humiliate me too.

    ¡°Oh, you just look darling. I simply must see you dance.¡± Fibers come out from his fingertips and fasten themselves to my body. At his command I glide and twirl around the room as his aura enters my body and poisons me. ¡°A vibrant dance that slows until it finally stops. Vibrations that tell the story of life. You must thank me for giving you such an emotionally gripping sendoff.¡±

    My hands drop the mace and it deactivates.

    I feel so weak.

    My bones break as I land and he claps along with the sound of the snap.

    Rapid clapping suddenly fills the room.

    ¡°Where is that sound coming from?¡± asks Flam, using a living monocle to scan the room.

    ¡°Bravo! Bravo!¡± cheers Dere Dere, spinning around me as she enjoys the show.

    No. I can¡¯t even signal her that I¡¯m injured. Every part of my body is his to command.

    Footsteps approach and Flam is suddenly punched in the face.

    ¡°You freaking asshole! You can¡¯t force TomBoys to dance! It¡¯s humiliating!¡± yells Rival.

    My body falls to the ground like a ragdoll.

    Dere Dere¡¯s eyes go wide. She noms on my belly and starts eating the toxic purple aura.

    ¡°How dare you punch my beautiful face! You said you were in love with me!¡± he exclaims with teary eyes.

    ¡°Sorry, I see someone being a prick and I just gotta punch ¡®em.¡± He grins.

    He saved me. I thought being saved would feel sickening, but it¡¯s really wonderful.

    A CatBoy general suddenly lands in front of me, smashing face first into the polished wooden floors. Scars cover his body and his eyes are missing.

    Poppy drops down and digs her talons into the general. ¡°Leave my village now or I¡¯ll prove my talons can do more than foot jobs!¡±Did you know this text is from a different site? Read the official version to support the creator.

    Flam¡¯s eyes go pink with passion. ¡°Aren¡¯t you just darling!¡± His hair strands pick up the bird angel.

    ¡°Don¡¯t you care if he dies?¡± asks Poppy, glaring at Flame.

    ¡°Of course I do. I look forward to the hole it will pierce through my heart!¡± Flam¡¯s eyes go wide with anticipation.

    ¡°Stop.¡± Rival steps up to Poppy. He pats his head.

    ¡°What are you doing at a time like this?¡± asks Poppy with flushed cheeks.

    ¡°No way am I dying without petting a cutie like you. The rest of you should get out of here. I¡¯m going to go all out to buy you some time.¡± He grins and snaps his fingers.

    ¡°My people are being slaughtered, I¡¯m not just gonna fly off! A goddess protects her worshipers.¡± Poppy growls at Rival.

    Dere Dere looks up for a moment and gives Poppy a firm nod. She then continues sucking out the poison.

    I think I can speak again.

    ¡°Wait. Isn¡¯t that going to hurt you?¡± I ask.

    ¡°Mwahaha! A Deity cannot be poisoned.¡± Dere Dere coughs but puts her hands over my ears. ¡°You heard nothing,¡± she whispers.

    I¡¯m supposed to protect her. Some big sis I turned out to be.

    Flam gets up. ¡°Hmmm, I think I¡¯ll save destroying you for another day. You have so much to live for.¡± He snaps his fingers and brings Rival right behind him. He then pushes out his butt. ¡°Pound me real good. Satisfy my lust and I¡¯ll let the Trap and her friends go.¡±

    ¡°Don¡¯t you ever call me a trap!¡± Poppy sends her feathers at Flam who simply throws a living handkerchief that eats them. Their sound waves distort as they are consumed.

    ¡°He¡¯s talking about me,¡± I say, crossing my arms.

    ¡°So, will you take me?¡± asks Flam, grinding his butt against Rival.

    Rival scratches his head. ¡°Look, if I¡¯m late with my delivery because of some awesome battle, that¡¯s fine. I can explain that to TomCat. Hell, even brag about it. But if she finds out I didn¡¯t give her the goods because I was too busy doing the dirty with you. Eeeesh, she¡¯d be pissed. I don¡¯t want a vengeance wielding hothead like her directing those rage waves my way. I mean what if that glorious hatred somehow morphs into friend¡­¡± He gags.

    Dere Dere swallows the last of the poison. ¡°The Deity shall momentarily act as a lowly messenger god as you show that mortal your wrath! Be sure to grab him by the hair!¡± She runs up and grabs the journal from Rival¡¯s hand.

    Hmm. Didn¡¯t know TomCat liked reading. Must be something important in there. Not sure I trust her, but right now I just gotta focus on surviving.

    Poppy glares at Flam. ¡°I want you out of my village now!¡±

    Flam pokes the wall and the whole building collapses, bursting into dust upon colliding with the ground. ¡°Not much of a village left, sweetums. But I won¡¯t have those pretty brown feathers get ruffled anymore.¡±

    ¡°They aren¡¯t brown,¡± whines Poppy.

    Flam hops into Rival¡¯s arms. ¡°Pound me all the way to the exit of the village. Once I¡¯ve milked you dry with my thirsty ass, you can do as you like. That or I tear the wings off the birdy. Neither of us want that.¡±

    ¡°Fine! Whatever! I¡¯ll do it! Don¡¯t you tell a soul, got it! That goes for all of you. Hey, what¡¯s with the nosebleed?¡± He points at me.

    Guy on guy is hot! And seeing Flam squirm in pain is oh so satisfying.

    ¡°I was poisoned. I¡¯m lucky to be alive,¡± I say, feigning weakness.

    Rival pulls down his pants. ¡°Ugh. This is not how I pictured today. Hey Flam, you better brace yourself for the most disappointing ass-pounding you¡¯ve ever gotten. Cuz no way am I giving you the rough sex you crave.¡±

    Flam¡¯s eyes sparkle. ¡°Oh my. I will savor every miserable second of it!¡±

    ¡°Geez, there¡¯s no upsetting you, is there?¡± Rival groans.

    ¡°If one finds joy in misery than happiness is always present. Sadness is a choice. You choose to carry it with you. Now.¡± He drops his pants. ¡°Release every drop of that sadness into me.¡±

    Rival glares at me. ¡°Get stronger, alright? My dick is making a real sacrifice for you.¡±

    And it¡¯s a sacrifice I¡¯ll never forget. Damn it. Why am I so horny all the time?

    Rival lazily misses the insertion point as he carries Flam toward the forest.

    My legs are broken when yaoi is in my reach. This day totally sucks.

    POV TOMCAT

    ¡°Stop ignoring me!¡± I lunge my claws at the one who murdered my brothers and finally my new power activates.

    Assailant slices my face before I can slam my fist into him. ¡°Don¡¯t interfere. Betrayer mustn¡¯t escape.¡±

    The other RiftRipper forms multiple portals. Bladed tentacles swarm out of them, encircling Assailant and me.

    Assailant¡¯s body contorts, creating a puddle of knives to deflect the onslaught. ¡°Either we work together or we both die.¡±

    ¡°I¡¯m fine with dying as long as I take you with me!¡± I grapple the RiftRipper and punch him repeatedly. The impact from my attack disrupts the trajectory of Betrayer¡¯s blade storm.

    ¡°We make a good team.¡± Assailant pets me as I continue to punch him.

    Why won¡¯t he just die!?

    ¡°Hold on.¡± Assailant covers me with his cloak and then soars through the blade storm.

    Screams and images of violence ravage my mind.

    Is this what those murderers feel all the time?

    I see slices appear from the inside of his body and I tear myself out.

    I fall to the scorched ground. There¡¯s a love pillow next to me.

    Okay, one what is a love pillow doing inside a RiftRipper and two why are her tits so freaking huge!?

    Assailant and Betrayer are at a standstill, with thirty blades pressed to one another. Each time one makes another blade, the other mimics it.

    I shake my head and shake away the terror that was clinging to me.

    Now¡¯s my chance to kill him. Or¡­I could save Fruity first? Urgh! Why am I having doubts.

    I get a light zap and see Dere Dere looking up at me.

    ¡°The deity made sure the injured had proper medical supplies, so she¡¯s a bit late with the delivery. This package is from Rival.¡± She hands me the journal.

    Perfect. This is my ticket to getting Fruity back.

    Dere Dere backs away when I reach for the book. ¡°Huh? Who dares touch the deity?¡±

    Shade emerges from some burnt rubble. She snaps her fingers, pulling Dere Dere up to her. ¡°Good work getting me the journal. Darling, he doesn¡¯t have the journal. You can kill the RiftRipper.¡±

    ¡°You should be at my side. Know that your death will be a miserable flame that ignites my ambition.¡± Betrayer¡¯s knives suddenly spin around the tendrils, moving like drills. The drill blades pierce Assailant¡¯s defenses.

    ¡°Stop!¡± I yell. ¡°I need to kill him.¡±

    And by killing him, his secrets die with him. Whatever Rival was after will be lost forever. That¡¯s a good thing, right?

    Distorted screams tickle my eardrums as Assailant is sliced to pieces.

    Dere Dere suddenly bursts with energy and pulls him out of the blade barrage.

    The tattered body oozes black liquid.

    I approach her and give the darling a head pat. ¡°You saved him for me.¡±

    Dere Dere puts her arms out. ¡°No. This assassin knows where the portal is.¡±

    Shade¡¯s shadowy ears perk up. ¡°The portal back to Earth? The one he pulled my sister through?¡±

    Dere Dere stands atop him. ¡°I must discover the truth for myself. Punch Kitty, hold them off while I escape okay? The Deity is very tired.¡±

    I rush up and kick Dere Dere. I place my fist to the glowing black core exposed beneath Assailant¡¯s tattered cloak. ¡°Betrayer, release Fruity. When she¡¯s away from here, I¡¯ll hand him over to you. Otherwise, I¡¯ll kill him.¡±

    Betrayer looks to Shade for advice.

    ¡°Do as she says. My new kitty wants what we want anyway. No need for hostages anymore.¡± Shade shrugs.

    Betrayer¡¯s body spits out Fruity.

    I pick up my friend and hold her close to me. Her eyes are swirling with madness.

    She¡¯s even more lost than before. Should I end her misery?

    I put my fist to her chest.

    No. I hate to admit it, but that Glasses Kid can probably fix her. His knowledge rivals that of the ancients.

    Kuu approaches. ¡°The fortune teller escapes the void.¡±

    ¡°Bring her to her allies.¡± Shade waves Kuu away.

    ¡°I do as the shadow commands.¡± Kuu pulls up my friend.

    ¡°Wait.¡± I step up. ¡°Please try and save her. Do that and I¡¯ll help you with whatever you want.¡±

    ¡°To cure madness, I¡¯ll need the wisdom of the trees and the potions of the forest.¡± Kuu looks to the stars.

    ¡°We had to go to the Akashic Swamp eventually. I guess we have our next destination. Yuki is likely already waiting at my mother¡¯s home.¡± Shade turns to me. ¡°Pick up the assassin. We¡¯ll interrogate him there.¡±

    Betrayer cradles Shade with his tendrils. ¡°That place brings you sadness. All the ShadowPups were put to rest.¡±

    Shade wipes a tear from her eyes. ¡°Sadness is what fuels us. I need to recharge. Our journey is nearly at its end.¡±

    Dere Dere pulls Assailant out of my arms. ¡°The Deity demands to attend the interrogation too!¡±

    Betrayer¡¯s body distorts into a web and traps Dere Dere. ¡°Shall I kill this one?¡±

    ¡°No. Bring her along too. We can interrogate them both.¡± Shade smiles.

    Every step I take closer to her makes my instincts scream at me with a warning of danger. There¡¯s no going back now though. I¡¯m going to see this through to end no matter what the cost is.

    Luna grabs my hand and smiles at me. ¡°Lighten up, kitty. You¡¯re one of us now. Lower your guard and relax.¡±

    ¡°Wasn¡¯t NeedleStack one of your own too?¡± I ask.

    ¡°He served his purpose. You¡¯ve still got plenty of use out of you.¡± Luna makes my legs move, having us walk perfectly in synch. ¡°Just continue to be useful and you¡¯ll be fine.¡±

    With fear sirens assaulting my body, I follow Shadow Truth to a dark cave.

    POV SHIFT MAIN

    My eyes open slowly. Orange mist surrounds me. The entire village is missing. Bodies and fire are all that remain.

    Worst Enemy holds his hand over his face with angst. ¡°You retconned your own death. How could I have forgotten that?¡±

    I look up at him from the ground.

    Even after all this. He¡¯s still so hot.

    ¡°I don¡¯t want to fight you anymore. Let¡¯s go back home and watch the new anime seasons. You never got to do Blood Palace in Devil Will Cry 5. I wanna watch you destroy it.¡± I look up and smile at him weakly.

    He sprays my body with blood from his wrist. The blood solidifies into chains that hold me in place. ¡°Memories are merely an ice breaker. That was the bonding stage. I wanted to cultivate our friendship. Then use that friendship to will you into becoming a powerful hero.¡± He crouches down and puts his blood dagger to my forehead. ¡°There¡¯s no point in going back. In fact, now that you¡¯re here. You¡¯re stuck here. But its pointless to explain. Your story ends here. Your death is just another pathetic chapter in my life¡¯s story.¡± He carves into my forehead.

    I grab his arm. ¡°Why serve Flam? Why is he worthy but not me?¡±

    The blade pierces deeper into my forehead. ¡°I failed you as I¡¯ve failed so many before you.¡± Best Friend¡¯s eyes are as uncaring as Kilyamas.

    Friendship points at Worst Enemy. ¡°So you¡¯re just going to throw him away like trash! I was thrown away! I was abandoned for being defective! But I¡¯m still fighting! I despise assholes like you! Holy shit! I did it. I beat the censor! It¡¯s a fuckin¡¯ miracle!¡±

    ¡°Well I was going to die anyway, so I retconned that for you. You protected me.¡± My hair pats Friendship. ¡°I just wanted to make it up to you. Not sure how long it will last.¡±

    ¡°Even broken, you both come back.¡± Best Friend coats his fingers in blood so they become like blades and slices Friendship to pieces.

    I break one arm free of the blood chain and try to shield Friendship with it.

    This pain¡­it¡¯s nothing. I barely feel anything anymore.

    My arm becomes a bloody mess and Friendship loses power.

    ¡°Why do you hate me?¡± I ask in tears.

    ¡°Don¡¯t be like that. I¡¯m giving you a dramatic finale. You¡¯d let Stalker die if it would triple the ratings. You don¡¯t want people complaining that the whole second half of the season was just a harem comedy.¡± He bites his lip and creates a single needle.

    ¡°I¡¯m not like that. You know I wouldn¡¯t let her die. I helped save her, remember?¡± I ask, reaching out and grabbing his hand.

    His hand grips mine and blood thorns pierce them together. ¡°It doesn¡¯t matter anymore.¡± He presses the blood needle into my chest. ¡°Nothing does.¡± Blood drips from out of our hands onto the needle, feeding it and making it grow.

    If I die again, then it¡¯s over. My hair won¡¯t move. It¡¯s already surrendered.

    ¡°At least¡­take off your shirt,¡± I say, smiling through my tears.

    ¡°Such an odd final request. Very well.¡± Worst Enemy removes his shirt with the other hand.

    It¡¯s that ripped chest¡­the chest that I lie against when I can¡¯t sleep¡­the chest that keeps me warm on the coldest of nights¡­if that¡¯s the last thing I see, then I can die without regrets.

    ¡°What are you doing to him!?¡± Stalker looks up at us, her eyes heavy with horror.

    Each second another drop falls, making the blade bigger and sharper.

    ¡°I didn¡¯t want you to see this.¡± Worst Enemy closes his eyes in shame.

    Stalker throws an object with black muck nearby us.

    It¡¯s Boobs. She¡¯s here. She still cares about me!

    ¡°Main¡­I have a sister. I¡¯ve been searching for her for eight years. She¡¯s close by and she hurt my daddy. I¡­¡± Stalker sobs.

    ¡°You¡¯re going to abandon me¡­just like my parents. Wait. They didn¡¯t abandon me! He killed them! And he¡¯s going to kill me too!¡± I yell in tears. ¡°You¡¯re my Stalker! You can¡¯t just abandon me! Aren¡¯t yanderes supposed to protect the guy they¡¯re obsessed with? Or at the very least do a double suicide with them!?¡±

    What am I saying? I don¡¯t want her to die. I¡¯m just so scared.

    Stalker approaches with tears in her eyes. She crouches down and holds my tattered arm to her tear-stricken cheeks. She turns to Best Friend. ¡°Is there anything I can say to stop you from killing him?¡±

    The blood spike has now grown so much that it reached our hands.

    Best Friend pats her with his free hand. ¡°In the end he¡¯s just another hero to you.¡±

    ¡°He¡¯s my last hero¡­¡± She looks at my eyes and cries harder. ¡°I¡¯ll never forget you.¡±

    ¡°A hell of a lot of good that does me! I want to inspire people in life! Not in death!¡± I yell.

    Best Friend smiles at me as he lightly pushes the blade into my heart. ¡°I¡¯ll be sure to tell embellished stories of your heroic feats. You¡¯ll be an inspiration to so many heroes.¡±

    ¡°Why are you lying to him?¡± Stalker sobs. ¡°He¡¯s the last one. Our last hope. And you¡¯re killing him.¡±

    ¡°You¡¯re right. He was my final gamble. Leave now. You won¡¯t want to see him at his most pitiful just before he dies. Remember only his greatest moments.¡± Best Friend eats a memshroom. ¡°I¡¯ll do the same.¡±

    Stalker swallows and nods. ¡°I¡¯ll always love you, Main. I¡¯ll tell my sister all about you¡­the good and the bad. I love both parts of you. If I only loved the good bits I¡¯d only love half of you, or well, like thirty¡­no¡­fifteen percent! Yeah! So I love every bit of you and I always will!¡± She bows, wipes her eyes and then runs off.

    Abandoned. It¡¯s only fair. I had abandoned her, after all. I¡¯m going to die¡­alone.

    ¡°Hahahahahahaha! Fusion motha fucka!¡± Friendship¡¯s voice booms out of¡­my arm?

    ¡°Your abandonment and despair has made you strong,¡± says Best Friend with a smile.

    Stalker¡¯s tears weren¡¯t wasted. They fulfilled their trope of healing without unexplainably reviving the dead. Pieces of Friendship had combined with my arm to heal it. My shrapnel arm was messy looking, but it was fully healed and ready to kick some ass.

    Friendship and I both focus our rage. ¡°You¡¯re not killing us! Friendly Firestorm!¡± We fire at Worst Enemy at point blank range.

    The fire not only sets Worst Enemy on fire, but also hardens the blood dagger just before it pierces my heart.

    Those sexy abs and snow-white cheeks melt away but his crimson eyes continue to give me that enchanting glare.

    ¡°We were supposed to become heroes together.¡± My eyes overflow with tears.

    ¡°I failed you, Main. But I fully accept your final gamble!¡± Best Friend plunges the blood dagger all the way through. ¡°You fought to the last breath. In death¡­you became worthy.¡±

    My story¡­is over. I hope¡­you enjoyed it. Nobody¡¯s immortal. Hard work and courage don¡¯t give you plot armor in real life. The real world has no narrative loopholes. It¡¯s cold, uncaring but beautiful. Just like my Best Friend.

    I cough out blood as I hold onto my consciousness just to look into his eyes for even a second longer. Then everything goes black one final time. His hair was black. I remember running my fingers through his hair and imagining us being lovers. I suppose all my heroic and romantic fantasies will die with me. The hero¡¯s epic journey has come to an end.

    To be continued in <u>Broad-Spectrum Assassin</u>1st chapter releases November 10th 2019!

    BROAD-SPECTRUM ASSASSIN TRAILER

    Greetings, I am Assailant, but I wasn¡¯t always a dimension cleaving merchant of death. I was once just a boy who wanted more than anything to make his parents proud. I hope this small excerpt from my childhood sharpens your curiosity into a fine blade.

    This day was just like the others. Wake up, sneak into the kitchen, discern which meal wasn¡¯t poisoned and eat it, limber up with Hasha yoga, close-quarters training, weapon training, durability training- my personal least favorite, team training- where she once again wasn¡¯t teamed up with me, and then dinner followed by parental bonding.

    The next day was when things took a bit of an odd turn. The top student BladEagle- we each got codenames based off of animals, apparently passed his final exam. The exact details of the exam were always kept a secret from the students, most likely to keep us from cheating. Just before he was taken to the second floor- the place where the graduates go to receive further training, I caught a peek at his eyes.

    They were hollow, like my little angel doll from my first home.

    What happened to him?

    The teachers were called off by the class supervisor, allowing me to approach BladeEagle.

    ¡°What do you want, Weech?¡± He turned his gaze from me.

    I was named Weech, because I was the cuddliest of the students. The name never bothered me though, because Weechs are the only parasite so cute that nothing can eat them. And they leave little hickeys where they nibble. Super cute.

    ¡°I¡¯m not going to help you cheat to pass the exam. A weakling like you couldn¡¯t pass anyway.¡±

    He always looked down on me for being at the bottom of the scoreboard, but I could tell he needed a friend right now.

    I approached him and embrace him with my long-sleeves.

    ¡°Let go of me.¡± His voice was dead.

    Rather than release him, I decided to engage my wrist dagger and stab him in the back.

    He grabbed his own knife but lost his grip when I twisted the blade in his back.

    Oh wow! I must have hit the nerves near his spine. I¡¯ve really come a long way! Go me!

    He steels himself. ¡°If you¡¯re going to kill me¡­go ahead.¡±

    ¡°I¡¯m not going to kill you as long as you explain things, okay?¡± I made my voice extra calming to dull the pain of his bleeding back. ¡°You wanted to be the number one assassin. Where did all that charisma go?¡±

    ¡°You can¡¯t threaten me.¡± He takes out a dagger and grips it hard.

    I stab another dagger on the other side of his back, keeping things symmetrical of course.

    His grip tightens around the blade, cutting his hand, but he doesn¡¯t drop it. The sharp slab of metal pressed against his own throat. ¡°Did they send you to test me? Haven¡¯t I done enough?¡± His hand was shaky as his ambition wavered.

    ¡°I¡¯m just curios. And you know the rules¡­¡±

    ¡°You can only ask questions when you threaten someone. But you stabbed me, twice!¡± he yelled.

    ¡°Just wanted to make sure you weren¡¯t dead.¡± I smiled.

    ¡°You¡¯re such a freak.¡± He laughed.

    I joined in, accidently cutting in deeper.

    ¡°I want to die so killing me isn¡¯t exactly a threat.¡± His voice darkens like the powder LunarMoth in the sunlight.

    ¡°But you¡¯re too brave to kill yourself.¡±

    ¡°Fine! I¡¯ll tell you what you want but then you¡­have to kill me!¡±

    ¡°Wow. Why are you being so nice to me now? I¡¯ve wanted to kill you for so long. It¡¯s so funny. Now that you want me to kill you, I don¡¯t want to.¡± I begin to pull the blades out.

    He backs into them but stops once the pain is too much. ¡°You had better not wuss out!¡±

    ¡°Okay, I¡¯ll kill you but I¡¯m going to drag it out okay? I want to get past all this bad karma between us by making you suffer till I feel guilty.¡±

    ¡°You really are an odd one.¡± He drops his blade. ¡°Mother and I¡­we were lovers.¡±

    ¡°Why not father too?¡± I ask with a grin.

    ¡°I¡¯m serious. She never loved father. She was assigned to him. Everything in this damn place is a set up. We¡¯re all actors playing with deadly props.¡±

    I clap by chattering my teeth since my hands are full. ¡°You should be a poet.¡±

    ¡°Shut it! Ugh! You¡¯re so annoying. Ow!¡±

    ¡°Sorry. My hands get shaky when I¡¯m bored.¡± I chuckle a bit.

    ¡°Mother and I made love, almost every night father was off on a mission. But last night¡­they must have found out. I think they tortured her. Her wrists were cut and her eyes were full of fear. She told me that she only pretended to love me. She said so many terrible things. That I¡¯m unlovable.¡±

    Hmm. Maybe she was just telling him the truth. He is a rather prickly pear, only he¡¯s sour on the inside too.

    ¡°You¡­killed her¡­didn¡¯t you?¡± I ask softly.

    He nods. ¡°I just wanted her to stop saying awful things. And afterwards¡­father he told me¡­I passed the exam. Nothing makes sense anymore.¡±

    Is the final exam the same for everyone? I have to learn more.

    ¡°That¡¯s all you know?¡± I ask.

    He nods and cries.

    I suppose it will remain a mystery for now. I best be extra vigilant.

    I pull the blades out and hug him.

    ¡°Hey, you¡¯re supposed to kill me now! What are you doing?¡±

    ¡°Empty threats are just as effective as real ones.¡± I pat his head.

    ¡°You lied to me! You tricked me!¡± he yelled, trying to escape the warm fuzzies of my hug.

    ¡°Assassins are masters of deception. Maybe I am cut out for this after all.¡± I chuckle.

    ¡°I hate you!¡± he yells, slamming his leg into me.

    ¡°Nope. You hate yourself. If you can just project that hate on your targets, you¡¯ll certainly make a passable assassin.¡± I pinch his cheeks.

    ¡°Let go of me! Why are you so strong?¡± he asks in tears.

    ¡°You¡¯ve just become weak, that¡¯s all.¡±

    He suddenly grabs my hand and plunges the dagger its holding into his chest. ¡°Ha! Revenge is sweet. Now that you killed me, the first graduate of our class, everyone is going to have high expectations of you. You¡¯re going to cave into the pressure and run like the coward you are.¡±

    Hmm. Now I kinda want to kill him again. Oh, but that¡¯s what he¡¯s trying to make me do.

    I see a shadow coming down the dark hallway.

    I stab the blade deep in his heart to kill him quick and put his hands on the weapon. I then push him off and let out a terrified scream. ¡°He¡¯s dead!¡± I hold myself in tears.

    The class supervisor looks at me. ¡°You found him like this?¡±

    I peek out, nod and then hide my face again.

    Crisis averted. I¡¯m no good when put under pressure. I just go berserk and start stabbing things.

    The class supervisor¡¯s body bends around me. The room is distorted. ¡°You¡¯re lying.¡± An eye peeks out from beneath his hood and gazes into me.

    To be continued in <u>Broad-Spectrum Assassin</u>

    Yo, it''s Rival. My cursed arm here wants to inform you that you can learn all about RiftRippers with Assailant''s tragic backstory. If assassins and despair tickle your pickle, then this is just the story for you. Season 2 of The Main Character! is coming but only after Assailant has finished his swan song. Read<u>Broad-Spectrum Assassin</u>and uncover the secrets of the Assassin Guild!

    Ebook and Print version coming December 2019

    Enjoy the story? You sure as hell better have enjoyed my parts and who doesn''t love a harem of lovely warriors? Check out the sexy and action packed OVA that explores the Village of Doomed''s brothel! Available only in the ebook and print versions ofThe Main Character!: The Hero''s Epic Journey Continues!

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    About the Author</a>

    Alexander McCarty is an animal born on Earth who actively seeks freedom for his fellow animals. He enjoys watching anime, playing video games, reading books by other independent authors, being an activist, writing anime-style stories, and living a vegan life. Having graduated from college with a focus on Asian and Religious Studies, he now spends his time as a writer and as an abolitionist vegan advocate. He listens to any and all comments, suggestions, reflections and criticism.

    Please contact me with a link to where you placed a review for any of my books (Of The Exps/ The Main Character) and I will answer any single question as one of my characters forFREE. If you do a review (and point out where) in addition to submitting fan art, I will write aFREEshort 2¨C4 page story (with my characters) in a scenario of your choosing. =(:3)*

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    Tsundy¡¯s Special Message

    Hey there. Some of us make good decisions out of guilt, a desire to be healthy, concern for the environment or to get with a cute boy! It doesn''t matter what starts us on a path of righteousness, only that we stick to it by following our moral obligations. I can''t dwell on the mistakes I''ve made in the past...the lives I''ve taken. But I use those mistakes to push me forward and be the best person I can be. Chances are you don''t need to consume animal products and a part of you already knows that using them causes harm to animals. If there''s no need, then why do it? Muster up your virtue and live your morals. I''m just starting my Vegan journey too. So I hope you''ll join me. Come on, idiot. A cute tomboy is asking you to live a happier, healthier life. Get your ass in gear and do the right thing!

    If you need resources, the ones below are the absolute best.

    http://www.adaptt.org/</a>

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    veganeducationgroup.com</a>