《God-Punching Apostle》


 Prologue

    ¡°Welcome! Welcome to my domain! I have long waited for you, my apostle!¡±


    God greeted me with a sparkling white smile.


    I knew beforehand he would look just like me; even the scar crossing the left eye. You totally wouldn¡¯t be able to tell us apart.


    Because I was also smiling.


    ¡°Hello there!¡± I greeted.


    I looked deep into his eyes. They were the same honey color as mine, but much more impressive; as if they contained galaxies and had seen the mysteries of life. Well, I suppose they had, but I could care less.


    I launched myself forward and punched him hard.


    My punch had no technique behind it, but it didn¡¯t matter as long as it appropriately conveyed my feelings. Funnily, it also had no matter to speak of; reality wasn¡¯t the strong point of that place.


    ¡°Ouch! What was that for, my apostle?¡± God cried in pain and jumped back.


    I was glad to see the skin just between his cheek and ear swell. I prayed he had perfectly copied me; I had broken that bone when I was a child and was very sensitive to pain there. I redoubled my praying efforts, in case they would help make the copied sensation more realistic. After all, he had the bad habit of getting influenced by prayers.


    ¡°Fucker! It was all your doing, right?¡± I was angry. I was very angry. I was so angry I could only think of one phrase to describe my feelings; ¡°God am I angry!¡± I shouted.


    There; feelings conveyed.


    God looked at me in confusion and opened his mouth to reply. But seeing a puzzled look on a copy of my face was annoying as hell, so I punched him on the same spot.


    He raised a hand to protect himself. But had no hope against my fighting experience. My knuckles -or their imaginary counterpart, or whatever- smoothly collided with the sensitive bone. The force sent him stumbling to whatever non-existent thing worked as ground inside the void.


    I felt a huge recoil, as if I had just punched the universe. Ok, in a sense I had indeed punched the universe away from me, but I shouldn¡¯t sweat the small details, right?


    ¡°Stop! Give me a chance to explain!¡± God stretched both hands forwards in protest. His brown hair looked even more disheveled than my own ¨C and my own weren¡¯t exactly a piece of art.


    Him shouting those particular words with my voice got me even angrier. How many times had I said that the same thing his bullshit revelations made people chase me for no reason? I jumped forward and tackled him.


    ¡°Bastard! You wanted me to come here from the start, right?¡± I floored him in the middle of the void and started punching away at his head with all my might.


    Thudding sounds echoed out and I took advantage of the confusion to lock his body in place without using my hands; a very comfortable position to punch the lights of a bastard. Bonus points if that bastard had made your life hell.


    ¡°You had the potential!¡± he shouted under the assault. He somehow managed to cover the sensitive spot through the hold, but the rest of his head had become a hard yet squishy punching bag.


    ¡°Then why should everyone important to me suffer and die?¡± Rather, I probably knew the answer; anger had made me strong enough to come here. But it wasn¡¯t like I wanted to.


    ¡°You sick fucker!¡± I added. I needed to make sure the nuances of my resentment weren¡¯t lost in the details.


    For a moment, I got distracted because his head was too fun to punch and I couldn¡¯t stop¨C no wonder my teacher liked doing this too. Speaking of teacher¡­ I raised my body from the lock I had placed on his limbs and kneed him in the groin.


    God howled in pain and doubled up. I winced in sympathy myself. It was a copy of my body after all and, like most beings, I was instinct-bound to preserve my descendant-making ability.


    That said, experience dictated it should hurt a lot less than the cheek. So, he was probably more surprised than in pain. With this consideration, I tactfully kneed him again at the same spot and finished the move with an elbow in the stomach. This combination had been my master¡¯s favorite for dealing with annoying men and she wouldn¡¯t have wanted me to miss the chance.This content has been unlawfully taken from Royal Road; report any instances of this story if found elsewhere.


    Damn, I got sentimental and almost cried.


    I psyched myself up and continued pummeling the bastard.


    His lovely inquisitioners had taught me well how to make this body suffer without spoiling the fun with consciousness-losing little accidents. In retrospect, I was lucky they stuck to their technique like true professionals and did not target the cheek, or I would have been this bastard¡¯s tool long ago.


    Well, enough reminiscing and back to business! Where was I?


    ¡°Why a dove?¡± I hysterically screamed as I showered every inch of his body with hits. Shame I couldn¡¯t hit the cheek too much or the bone could break and he might miss out on the specific type of fun.


    ¡°What do you mean?¡± his voice was close to pleading. He tried -and failed- to predict and stop my hits.


    Fuck, wrong question. The church¡¯s choice of symbol had just always bugged me and I blurted it out in the heat of the moment.


    ¡°Nevermind that!¡± I shouted. Embarrassed, I grabbed his head with my palm and started pummeling it against the solid void beneath us. The action made no sense to logic, but, oh well, this is life.


    ¡°Just. Why. Did. You. Not. Bring. Me. Here. Yourself.¡± I viciously shouted a new word each time I raised his head. The bastard was really fortunate I needed to vent millennia of frustration and had no patience for more ¡­sophisticated¡­ methods. Speaking of sophistication, something very intricate was missing from the last sentence!


    ¡°Fucker!¡± I added. I crashed his head to the nonexistent ground an additional time. There, that was better.


    The front of his face had been disfigured into an almost flat surface. But the blood leaking out instantly evaporated into the surrounding void without dirtying his skin.


    ¡°I could not interfere with your cosmic scale!¡± He screamed in misery through a multitude of broken bones.


    What? Hadn¡¯t the bastard spread plagues and sent meteors and revelations and whatnot? But I figured it was like the sense of touch. For example, if a human pinched an ant, they could accidentally kill it, but they could move large grains of sand on a flat surface with quite the precision, hurl pebbles at the ant and even whisper to it.


    In the small opening it took me to realize this, his face had reverted halfway back to normal. He struggled free of my grip and tried to stand.


    However, his combat sense was laughable. I had encountered beasts more clever than the bastard. I grabbed his hair for a hold and supplexed his body on the ground.


    I think I felt the very pillars of existence tremble a little. It didn¡¯t bother me too much, but it seemed as if god had had enough.


    ¡°Do you know how many civilizations you just exterminated?¡± He screamed defiantly. It was less impressive than it sounds because he was dizzily crawling away.


    Yeah, as if he wasn¡¯t the one exchanging their existence for his. But everything I cared for had long been obliterated by the fucker and I didn¡¯t give a damn anymore.


    I kicked his stomach to make him shut up, but he surprised me by rolling with the move. It was something most people would have done subconsciously, but it was the highest battle intelligence I¡¯d seen from him all day. With trembling knees, he stood up.


    ¡°Can¡¯t you just be my apostle? I can make them all come back.¡± He shouted in frustration, his face distorted in odd shapes before restoring itself into another copy of my own.


    As if I could trust the fucker¡¯s bullshit! He¡¯d probably create some incomplete copies I could delude myself into thinking were real and this would have been some first-grade fuck-up-ery.


    And this did not even take into consideration that nobody should trust someone with a scheming face like that! Fuck, perhaps the inquisitioners ignoring my reasoning had a point after all.


    ¡°Bitch, didn¡¯t you say that might makes right?¡± I got extra angry when I remembered how he tempted me after he made his own believers destroy the last soul dear to me. At the time, I almost became his apostle for revenge - bad luck the Oracle thought I had refused and spilled the beans before the process was complete. ¡°Well, you got that right!¡± I run towards him.


    ¡°Foolish human! Do you fancy yourself stronger than creation itself?¡± God asked sardonically. But I could hear the off-pitch tone my voice made whenever I started to panic. Apparently, the bastard sucked at bluffing, which was surprising given how well he normally maintained a poker face while spewing moral-doping bullshit.


    At long last, he tried to do something against my onslaught. Which meant that he had some backbone to support his fuckery.


    Space and time stretched endlessly between us¡­ Fuck, I take it back! The bastard was running away!


    But in my anger I ploughed through the infinity of every instance; if two infinities clashed, the higher-grade one would come on top. Of course, there was only him and me at that level and I couldn¡¯t really know for sure. But it should be true, as experimentally proven by my fist that ended up inside his face.


    ¡°Hell, yeah! You wanted me to despair and cling to you? Fuck you! I got stronger by myself!¡± I punched him with all the force I could imagine and this time a crashing sound reverberated through the fiber connecting reality with his domain.


    Even I felt that perhaps this was too much strength. Could I have overdone it a little? Could I have overdone it more if I tried? The suspense was killing me.


    ¡°Noooooo!¡± God froze in place. He sounded desperate and a bright light started leaking from the pores of his skin and offices.


    ¡°Whatever is happening, serves you right bitch!¡± My voice was dripping with poison. I approached him slowly.


    Finally! He was looking at me with the same hatred I had been looking at him all this time. Communication doesn¡¯t really work if both parties aren¡¯t on the same page, right? I didn¡¯t know what was happening, but it looked bad for him and I started humming.


    Since he couldn¡¯t move, I had a lot of time to prepare the next attack. I drew my hand back, gathering infinite infinities of strength to obliterate the bastard once and for all. Probably alongside the rest of creation. But who cared? Surely not me!


    Despite my slight superiority during the fight -who am I kidding? I had fucking owned him- it would have been very difficult to shatter his existence. However, before I could fully charge up, he exploded into pieces of blinding white light.


    ¡°Hahahaha!¡± I threw my head back and laughed uproariously. The light started shaving away infinities of my strength, but I didn¡¯t mind; it was long since my life had no meaning. Ah, well, that was nice; I got to see the bastard croak it first.

 Chapter 1. Back to the past

    ¡°Terra, Terra! Wake up!¡± A girl¡¯s voice called across the darkness.


    Hm? I don¡¯t wanna wake up! I¡¯m dead. Leave me alone! I think I earned a little eternal rest.


    Not to brag, but pummeling god should have been a heck of an achievement to count towards my retirement plan. I demand peace and quiet!


    ¡°Terra, you alright? Please be alright!¡± I felt somebody repeatedly push my shoulders. Should I answer? Should I not? I decided it would depend on who the voice belonged to.


    I searched through my memories. They did span a very long time and I often had trouble organizing them.


    Whoa! I snapped opened my eyes. Fuck, I opened them wide and there was too much light! I immediately closed them again.


    ¡°Eeeek¡± Before my eyelids fluttered back, I glimpsed something red and fluffy sliding out of my field of vision. Then, I heard a chair getting toppled and tumbling to the floor. How did I know it was a chair? Who knows?


    With a foggy head, I opened my eyes again and stifled a yawn.


    I looked to the side and spotted a red head and a pair of curious green eyes peeking from behind the overturned wooden monstrosity that tried -and failed- to look like a chair.


    ¡°Izzy!¡± My body felt heavy. But, if I complained every time things hadn¡¯t gone well, I could have probably talked God to death. I ignored my discomfort and jumped out of bed to hug the tiny her ¨C wasn¡¯t this how she looked when she was twelve or something?


    Was this all a bad dream?


    I meant to land in front of the wooden chair-thing separating us, but my body wasn¡¯t quite the size I was used to. I stumbled over my sheets and into the hard wood. It was admittedly weird to have the wrong sense of balance with all limbs attached!


    Also¡­ Did the shitty chair want to get incinerated out of existence? Someone needs to take responsibility for its tasteless structure anyway! I shot the poor excuse of a construct a threatening glare, but both it and the sheets hindering my clumsy steps were inconsequential in front of my rising emotions.


    I pulled Izzy in my embrace, clutching her tightly with joy.


    Fuck! Did I squish her to a pulp?


    I looked down and saw the bobbling red of her hair move. I also felt her childish breath as she squirmed in my chest and was relieved; apparently my strength wasn¡¯t exactly at my previous level. Well, I¡¯d need to work on that, but for now it was a relief.


    I could feel my emotions gathering at the corner of my eyes¡­ Fuck, I didn¡¯t want to let myself cry! But the top of her head collided with my nose and a couple of tears leaked out. Bloody hell? My tolerance for pain should be greater than this!


    ¡°Gah! Stupid Terra! Can¡¯t. Breath.¡± Izzy protested. Her voice was muffled and I realized I had stuffed the sheets dangling all over me inside her face. I quickly moved away, stumbling and falling inside the ones that had lagged behind my trail.


    As I fell, I reflexively put my guard up against my hyper-sensitive cheek. It was lucky I did, because after hitting the wooden floor I discovered a couple of bandages covering an itchy sensation.


    Where was I anyway? But my thoughts didn¡¯t get far.


    ¡°¡­¡± Izzy took a good look at me. And something watery sparkled at the corners of her eyes.


    Then¡­


    ¡°Waaah!!!¡± This time she was the one to dive for me. ¡°I was soooo scared!¡± She started sobbing uncontrollably, her oval childish face straining in anguish.


    Without knowing what to say, I instinctively ruffled her small head in reassurance. A sense of surreality washed over me when this long-forgotten habbit resurfaced.


    Hang on, this whole situation had happened before, right?


    ¡°Hahaha!¡± I burst out laughing. I knew where -or rather when- I was; it was when I had first gained consciousness after getting that annoyingly sensitive cheek.


    ¡°Waah! Stupid Terra! Hick. Waa~h¡± Izzy put sobbing on hold to reproach me and then continued with double the vigor.


    I realized I was being as insensitive as a log. Then, that I didn¡¯t know how to be sensitive in the first place. Thus, I settled for being confused.


    At any end, I stopped laughing. Now that I think about it, why was she crying?


    ¡°IIIZYYYY!¡± A woman¡¯s shrill voice echoed from outside the door ¨C from downstairs if my fuzzy memory was to be trusted. ¡°Is the little beast awake? Is he bullying you again?¡±


    Hang on! This also sounded familiar¡­


    Riiight! I felt strength leaving my legs.


    Mom!


    Well, I was happy as fuck to hear something other than her dying scream in my head.


    Buut¡­


    Mom was scary as hell when she got angry!!!


    She just stared at you. Like any misfortune you got was well-deserved.


    My child¡¯s instinct kicked in.


    Yes, that should be it! Because I had fought hordes of enemies alone, gotten backstabbed, betrayed, tortured to the brink of insanity and never feared for myself¡­


    ¡°N-NO! Everything¡¯s alright!¡± I shouted back. Blast it! My shitty voice went off-pitch on its own. It didn¡¯t help that the last time I heard that off-pitch tone was from the greatest bastard of them all!


    ¡°Hehehe-sniff!¡± Izzy¡¯s laughter got mixed with her sobs.


    She looked up ¨C that is, horizontally since she was on top of me. ¡°Don¡¯t do this again.¡± She protested. ¡°¡­ pleeease¡­¡±


    Her green eyes where strangely fragile, so I nodded seriously.


    Unfortunately I never got to remember how I got my blasted cheek broken! And Izzy got scared when the adults asked her, so nobody pressed the matter. In short, I didn''t know what I was promising.Reading on this site? This novel is published elsewhere. Support the author by seeking out the original.


    Well, not like I would follow some shitty rule anyway ¨C especially if I was the one to make it.


    To be honest, people shouldn''t trust me!


    ¡­ Wait. If you took this statement to heart, you shouldn¡¯t trust not trusting. So, should you trust? Fuck! Did I talk myself into a paradox?


    ¡°TERRAAA! What are you mumbling? Are you trying to trick Izzy again?¡±


    Mom''s voice resounded through the house for a second time. Obviously she hadn''t heard my denial.


    Fuck, she wasn''t far off the mark! Also, I belatedly remembered the house had this crappy acoustics where I could hear everything from my room but even when shouting only a muffled sound came downstairs.


    ¡°Izzy, I''ll¡­¡± I searched my memory for a bribe she wouldn¡¯t resist. Events from my childhood were hazy. But with effort I pieced together something. ¡°I¡¯ll come with you at the next festival if you act like normal in front of mom.¡± I hastily whispered.


    ¡°Really?¡± Izzy regained her spirits on the spot and sat away from me. Darn, put that huge smile away, girl! Mom literally just warned about you getting tricked!


    ¡°Really!¡± I emphasized. I planned for this to be be a good lesson on deception. Be a little more suspicious, ok? Take those inquisitioners for example; ¡®What color do you see in the sky?¡¯ was the question ''Blue, why don''t you already know!¡¯ was the reply and then came the whip ''HOW DO WE KNOW YOU''RE NOT LYING''


    No, no, no! I think I''ll take Izzy''s naivet¨¦ after all.


    ¡°Terra just woke up! We¡¯re coming aunt Dothy!¡± Izzy brightly shouted towards the closed door. She used the white blanket to wipe away traces of tears, dragged me to stand up, erected the badly constructed chair, fluttered the sheets into falling properly in my small bed and bolted towards the door.


    Wait, wait! Seriously! I can''t keep up if so much work is done in such a short while! How is a small child that dexterous anyway? Give me back the fragile little figure from just now!


    Izzy ignored my mumbled protests and energetically pulled my hand along.


    As we noisily moved down the nostalgic wooden stairs, I tried to organize my thoughts.


    I''m in the past!


    Ok, this didn''t help much.


    How? Why?


    Did the bastardy excuse of a God do something? Is this an illusion?


    Then a horrible suspicion came over me.


    Fuck! Am I reliving memories?


    No, wait, before that! How can I be sure I''m not still in the white cell hallucinating?


    Hm¡­


    This conundrum was puzzling as fuck, so I decided to think about it later.


    At any rate, Izzy pulled me into the kitchen downstairs.


    ¡°Hi aunt Dothy! Terra was nice to me!¡± Izzy shouted before we even crossed the threshold. Darn, girl, you''ll just make her suspicious.


    Mom''s long brown hair ¨C the same color as mine ¨C turned in the chair she was sitting.


    She put her back to the low-burning fire and took a good look at me.


    Fuck! Only then did I realize how badly I had been wanting to remember the details of her face.


    Must. Not. Cry.


    ¡°Pff.. How pitiful!¡± Mom''s lips curved upwards. ¡°Did a near-death experience make our little Terra timid?¡±


    I didn''t reply because I noticed she tried to stand but failed to. She hid it well enough, but as you''ve probably gathered I''m somewhat -as in, a lot- acquainted with martial arts and noticed.


    What''s this? I¡¯m pretty sure mom didn''t have a disability.


    Puzzled, I tried examining her.


    The skill failed to activate.


    This annoyed me to no end. Do you know how long it takes to learn reading the energy of living beings? Especially if your talent is crap?


    ¡°D-don¡¯t say that aunt! Terra''s very brave!¡± For some reason Izzy didn''t like my bravery being questioned.


    What? I am? Since when? I only remember being a rather annoying child.


    Anyway, I realized my main problem was that I felt none if that nonsensical energy my body used to be filled with.


    I could try to cultivating some energy later, but I don''t want to.


    Not only is this cultivation thing in accordance to the big fucker''s style and teachings, I¡¯m also bad at getting along with people, much less harmonizing with the world and such bullcrap. Not to mention that if I trained I''d rather polish my fist. Well, I do have an easy solution but better do it outside; I don''t want to destroy the house if something goes wrong.


    ¡°Ah, if Izzy says so.¡± While I was busy thinking, mom chose to just accept Izzy''s words and ruffled her slick hair.


    Unfair! Cheat! This is clearly bias! I''m all injured wearing bandages over my face and whatnot and she still pampers Izzy! Who of us is your child? Huh?


    ¡°Terraaa¡± mom dragged the last letter of my name imploringly. ¡°What¡¯s with this face? Izzy refused to leave your side for two days! Instead of glaring, have you found a way to show your thanks?¡±


    I got to hand it to mom; she made gratitude sound like a chore. If the big bastard ever does something nice -which I doubt- I know who will help me get over it.


    ¡°Yes I did!¡± I replied indignantly.


    ¡°Are you lying again little rascal?¡± From her soft voice I gathered she was just playing with me. I stood within range and she lovingly ruffled my hair the same way she had Izzy.


    The warmth was something I had long forgotten.


    ¡°Terra¡¯s taking me to the festival!¡± Izzy probably thought I was fighting back tears of injustice and tried to defend me.


    ¡°Oooh¡± Mom''s honey colored eyes ¨C also the same as mine ¨C widened in surprise. ¡°So little beasts can be tamed? Good job Izzy!¡± she beamed down.


    Wait, why''s Izzy the one getting praised?


    Wait on the wait! Mom taking this at face value was suspicious. Maybe I remember wrong, but she had always been good at sniffing out my excuses.


    Well, avoiding explanations in the short term is nice. Given a little planning, I''m good at dodging promises I don''t like. For example, the demon king forced a contract to make me guard his base while he was busy playing with humanity¡¯s heroes. Well, guess who destroyed said base before its attackers reached it? But I did watch over its ruins rather diligently. I think a year getting boiled afterwards was worth the demon king''s face when he came back all tired and dirty from playing too long.


    If I''m in the past, who is the current demon king? I never got to learn and they''ll probably be worth meeting if both mine demon king -that is, their successor- and the big-bastard-called-god''s church took combined effort to erase them from memory. Hopefully a nice sexy lady with a gentle smile and hot temper. Like my teacher. Wouldn''t that be a good contrast to the austere old men of the clergy that spewed meekness with a heart of poison?


    ¡°Here, you must both be hungry. Terra, chew well not to get a stomach ache.¡±


    Ignorant to my thoughts, mom pushed two bowls of warm milk and porridge onto the table. My stomach growled in excitement ¨C in my long life this had always remained one my favorite foods.


    Spellbound by the idea of food, both me and Izzy climbed the high bench allowing kids like us to comfortably sit at the same height as adults. We dragged the hot bowls in front of our faces.


    I skillfully did that as fast as possible without the milk splashing from the movement leaving the wooden confines. Centuries worth of practice were not wasted it seemed.


    Mom handed us elegantly carved wooden spoons and took the chance of us wolfing down the first bites to resume the conversation.


    ¡°Try to get seconds.¡± She said.


    I nodded. Delightly doable. But why?


    ¡°The festival starts at dawn and we won¡¯t have time for breakfast.¡± she explained.


    ¡°Pff-caugh¡± I chocked on my extra large mouthful of porridge. ¡°T- tomorrow?¡± I stammered while swallowing. Fuck! Nobody told me! I got no time to find a good excuse! Come on, me! Think of something! You managed to deceive even god before!


    ¡°Is something wrong?¡± mom asked, gathering Izzy¡¯s rapt attention.


    ¡°W-well¡­¡± I started in my panicked off-pitch tone.


    Hell, why are mom¡¯s eyes twinkling? Did she understand I miscalculated from my tone? I thought I kept a good pokerface... Fuck! Now that I think about it, anybody would be able to deceive that shitty god. I was probably less good than I thought.


    I opened my mouth to spew some bullshit - my expertise. But for some reason I hesitated.


    Whether this situation was real or not, an unprecedented desire welled up inside of me.


    Skrew it! After getting chased for a thousand years, let''s re-experience some social relations.


    They can''t be as bad as I remember, right?