《Ferdie and the Elementals [Punching &amp; Spellcasting Isekai LitRPG]》


 A Change for the Angrier

    A pale, sickly guy stares back at me in the lamplight of the filthy, moldy old cottage. Even in the dim light, his sweaty, pale skin, greasy black hair, and dark ass circles under his eyes don''t even try to hide themselves from the mirror. He is not even twenty-five years old, yet he looks like he could fall over dead any minute. He''s disgusting.

    I can''t even look at myself.

    I lower my eyes, but looking down shows me another reminder of my dumbassery: The Hero Pendant. It dangles around my neck from its golden chain, the bright white jewel in the middle glowing pathetically, like it''s trying to match my mood.

    What was I thinking? Why didn''t I choose sooner? What the hell is wrong with me!?

    My hand shakes as I squeeze the necklace until I''m stung with pain. I release it, swearing and flicking my hand.

    I''ve gotta let it go. What''s the point in beating myself up over some dumb crap that basically never happened? Besides, I''m getting one last chance and there''s no way I''m gonna to blow it this time. I have to stop them. It''s too late for Earth, but I can stop them from taking Astraea.

    ''Sides, motherfuckers''ve gotta pay.

    The Hero Pendant goes off like a flashbang, and my world turns pure white for a few seconds. When the light fades, I''m looking down at a fresh plate of corn, mashed potatoes, a little piece of bread with some... Butter?

    "Wow, mom! Is that real butter? I wanna eat butter every day!"

    Mom laughs. "That''s beyond my power; we''ll have to pray to the dairy gods to make that happen." She places her hands over her chest and looks toward the heavens. "O great Cows of Light, we humans thank thee for thy milk which provides us with nourishment, especially this creamy deliciousness, we call-"

    My dad bursts into laughter. Mom starts giggling too, but I don''t know what''s funny. Their laughing makes me smile a bit, but it''s mostly pretty embarrassing, so I just look down at my plate and focus on my food.

    After dinner, we buss the table and clear the dishes. We are dog tired from the harvest, but working together, we manage to get everything done pretty fast. But when we''re finished, mom and dad don''t pat me on the back and tell me to go to bed.

    That can only mean one thing!

    They put an arm around each other and look at me with their gentle golden brown eyes and smile at me with their beautiful white teeth.

    YES! It''s been weeks! No, months! I wanna scream and hop around like a crazy rabbit on a sugar high, but I hold my breath and clench my rattling fists.

    Mom goes around and shuts all the blinds and curtains as dad disappears into the other room. Mom checks the locks the door and turns on the radio by the sink, which immediately begins vomiting out a loud, fuzzy news broadcast.

    Dad comes back out with the one true holy relic: the Key. We have a lot of keys, but there''s only one that really matters, and I''d swear off butter for the rest of my life to know were he hides it.

    The three of us slide the kitchen table across the room and move away the old foot rug. Dad slips the key into a little hole in the floorboards and pulls up a trap door. A set of old wooden steps leads down into blackness.

    Mom smiles at me, a hemp bag of goodies in her arms. Dad winks at me and hands me a flashlight.

    Flashlight in hand, I lead them down as quietly as I can manage. I don''t know why they always say we have to be so quiet when we go in, but I would walk down the stairs on my hands if that''s what I had to do to get my movie fix.

    Dad tosses a bunch of pillows on the ground and a thick blanket. Mom pulls out an ancient DVD player and TV and starts setting it up, while dad sorts through our stash of movies.

    "Tonight''s movies are two of the best cop films ever made," he holds them up to show me: Turner and Hooch and Kindergarten Cop. "What do you think?"

    Both are really good choices, for sure. But we all know what I really want to watch.

    Dad chuckles and shakes his head. "Again, Ferdinand?"

    "We didn''t get to watch T2 last time because Mom wanted to see Titanic. C''mon, please?"

    Dad grumbles as Mom joins in, begging him with me. "Let him pick! Look at that adorable face!"

    Dad doesn''t stand a chance with mom on my side. With a groan, he gives in and takes out Terminator 2: Judgement Day. "But we''re watching Turner and Hooch right after. Arnold was a great actor, but you need to broaden your horizons a little, young man."

    Everyone chuckles as dad puts in the DVD and mom pulls out the snacks, which are usually bread and some fruit from the garden.

    As the movie goes on, Dad wraps me in his arms, pulling me close so that his hot breath tickles my ears as he whispers his commentary and explanations about how everything works. He never talks about movies except when he''s down here, so this is the only way I actually get to hear his comments.

    We don''t have the other Terminator movies, and probably never will, but he saw them all and always remembers some plot point or piece of trivia, so I soak up his every word like a sponge left out in the sun. In fact, Dad and Mom always seem to know basically everything about everything.

    Being cozy next to my two favorite people is pure bliss, especially with the best movie of all time playing on that ancient television. Feeling their heavy bodies pressing against mine, hearing their adoring laughs, and seeing their smiles is the best.

    Aside from that, my eyes stay glued on the screen. Terminator 2 is a heck of a film. The bar fight, the mall scene, the motorcycle chase, the rescue of Sarah Connor, breaking into Cyberdyne, and the final showdown with the evil terminator all play out gloriously as always.

    But when Arnold sinks into the molten metal, there is a flash white light. As it fades, I start to hear and, I find myself huddled between my parents out on our dusty corn field. The dust blowing through the wild air is thicker than usual, and the sunlight shines orange red.

    "We told you to leave! Our answer is and will always be the same!" Dad''s voice carries like thunder, even over the howling wind.

    The corn is way too tall to see over; I try to peek between the gaps, but I stop as soon as mom squeezes my arm.

    It sounds like whoever is there is yelling, but I can''t hear them over the howling gusts. All I can tell is it sounds like a woman; a nasty one with a voice that sounds like an angry crow.

    Mom squeezes me so tight it hurts. "We told you to go! Go now and never come back!"

    The dusty air becomes darker and the sun starts to turn blood red as the woman''s shouts become louder and angrier. The orange-yellow air becomes a deep, dark grey like a massive storm has suddenly rolled in overhead, and the wind begins to and whip and buck like a bull. As the darkness grows, it swallows everything, including us, like a pack of wolves closing in on some prey.

    "That''s- No!" Dad and Mom duck down and hold onto me tight. "Lucasta! We have no choice! We can''t-!"

    "I know!" A moment passes, and mom squeezes me tight. She looks at me with misty eyes and strokes my cheek with a shaky hand. "Be strong, Ferdinand. And remember that no matter where you go, we will always love you. In all the years we have lived, we have never known a joy greater than you."

    "Momma, I don''t-"

    She kisses me on the forehead and my world goes white.

    The light fades and I find myself in a small office. A man sits in an old, well-worn leather chair and watches the flickering monitors before him. He''s a plain and uninteresting middle aged man, with slightly thinning, greyish blonde hair, and thick, bushy eyebrows. His pale blue eyes are dim, hollow, and glazed over, though pretty much everyone has one of those thousand-mile stares these days.

    It''s Mr. Arlo, my boss. As always, he doesn''t look at me at all and keeps going on and on with his sluggish typing.

    I stay as still and as quiet as I can. Don''t want to risk breaking some stupid-ass rule by fidgeting too much or speaking at the wrong time.

    He finally stops, wrinkles his forehead, and sighs hard through his nose, but still keeps staring at the monitor. "Ferdinand... I understand you were witness to Langston''s sudden Voluntary On-Site Turnover today. Can you tell me what you saw?"

    "I basically saw what everyone else did. It was pretty terrible."

    He makes an odd sound, something like a muffled bark. "I''m sure it was. Now, please, if you will, describe exactly what you observed. Just tell me everything, and I''ll let you go home."

    "Well..." I shift around and try to get situated in the steel chair. It''s hard to get comfortable, but it''s more the conversation that''s putting me on edge. "At about three this afternoon, I went down the hall to get a drink of water-"

    He twists his head and locks onto me with those dead eyes of his. "Lunch ends at one o''clock. Did you get permission from your team leader to take a personal break?''

    "Uh, yeah. Of course."

    "I''ll have to speak with Cassandra later, but everyone should know by now: personal breaks are no longer permitted as of last week. Also, please be advised that consuming food or drink at anytime outside of the designated 15 minute lunch period is also grounds for disciplinary action, up to and including termination, depending on the nature of the offense. In addition, please note that your failure to comply with our policies will be noted on your record, and you will have to undergo additional unpaid training in the future."

    He makes another odd noise, like a long, quiet groan as he turns around, clicks and types for a few moments. "So, please, continue, and take care not to have any more unauthorized breaks."

    "Yes, Sir."

    "Alright, then. Carry on, Ferdinand." He continues to stare at his monitor.

    "As I was saying, I went down the hall, but as I rounded the corner, I caught a glimpse of the conveyor belt at the end of the line. That''s when I saw what happened. At first, it seemed like he was just reaching out to grab the rail at the end of the platform to brace himself. But then he just swung himself over, hung there for a second, and dropped into the acid bath. There was a big splash and then-."

    "Wait, can you please clarify? When you said ''dropped into the acid'' what did you mean?"

    "Uh... Well, I mean, I don''t know, but, it looks like he kind of did it on purpose."

    "Langston grabbed the railing, swung himself out over the vat and dropped down into it?"

    "Yeah, I guess."

    "Could you please just confirm this for me?"

    "Yeah," I sigh, "he grabbed the railing and dropped himself in."

    "That''s quite the sight to imagine. Was anyone with him?"

    "No. No one. He just hung there for a couple of seconds and then let go."

    "Is that when he fell? After he deliberately dropped himself in?"

    "Yeah."

    "So, just to review: He reached out, grabbed the rail, then dropped himself deliberately, that is to say, on purpose, into the tank of Acid Mixture B12, otherwise known as the Highly Diluted HCl Solution?"

    "Uh, yeah. That''s right."

    "Fine. Just sign this and you can go." He slides a tablet my way with a stylus.

    I sign it.

    "Good. Have a nice night."

    I get up and leave without a word.

    Once I''m outside the building, I swing around the back for a smoke. For once, Kris is there before me.

    "Hey, Ferd. What kept you?" her voice is as smokey and smooth as her cigarette, and her black hair and eyes gleam in the red auxiliary lighting. She is petite and with pale skin and she cuts a good figure, even in her filthy brown jumpsuit.

    "Hey, babe." I flash her a smile, but it fades a bit quicker than I want it to.

    She never misses a thing. "What''s wrong? Did you get your ass chewed out again?"

    "I got a mark on my record for drinking water, but that ain''t it."

    "Then what?"

    "Did you hear about Langston?"

    "What, the guy who offed himself in the bathtub?"

    "They''re calling it a VOT, but yeah, I guess so."

    She blows out some smoke. "Seems somebody takes a dip every week now."

    I take a long drag of my shitty cigarette and let out a big stream of smoke that blows away in the smoggy wind. "I dunno... I guess it''s because I actually saw him go in and all that," I take another puff, "and the screaming... I''m pretty sure he regretted it after he went in. Not for long, but still. It''s fucked, you know?"

    "A really bad way to go."

    I kick a loose piece of asphalt into the darkness. "And the way that fatass Arlo acted about the whole thing pissed me off too," I take another drag. "Human lives mean nothin'' no more."

    If you find this story on Amazon, be aware that it has been stolen. Please report the infringement.

    "They haven''t for a long time, thanks to this machine of a society we live in," she blows some smoke and cocks her head. "You good, Ferd?"

    "I dunno. I''ve been seeing this shit ever since I was a kid, and I think it''s starting to get to me. I was never an angry dude, but this shit is starting to piss me off on the regular, and it''s getting harder and harder to get over it each time it happens."

    "It pisses me off too," she rubs me gently on the back. "But hey, don''t think about it too much, alright? You''re gonna work yourself up. Just keep doing what you do, and stay off the radar. This place is a shithole, but it''s the only one around with a humans-first policy. We just need to hold out until the revolution."

    "Revolution?"

    "Yeah, well, I''ve been talking with some people, and they have some interesting ideas and some plans to turn things around. For everyone. You should help out sometime, maybe think about joining."

    "Shit. You''d better not get us into any fucking trouble. I heard about what happens in those rehab places."

    "I''m not stupid, Ferd," she throws her cigarette down and stomps it. "These State fuckers, the fat cats, and bootlickers like Arlo... They''re all gonna pay. Just hold on a bit longer, alright?"

    I flick away my cigarette and put my arms around her waist. "I''d rather hold on to you."

    She gives me a sexy little smile and kisses me deeply.

    She pulls back, and gives my cheek a cute little poke. "You''re the only thing that''s good in this shitshow of a world. I could look at those eyes forever."

    "I''ll give you something else to look at when we get home."

    She giggles, kisses me again, and the world goes white once more.

    I hear the screaming even before the light fades.

    It''s my own.

    My chest is on fire. I can barely stand upright, and the entire room seems to be spinning.

    Kris stands before me, her eyes swollen and red.

    I have to punch something. But by some miracle, I hold back. I sure as hell can''t do anything to attract Public Safety to our door.

    I growl and cover my face as I stumble back and collapse into my torn and broken excuse for a sofa.

    The chickenshit punk hiding in the bedroom takes the opportunity to bolt, but I''m too distraught to say or do anything. It''s his lucky fucking day. At least the little shit had the manners to close the door behind him.

    "So, that''s your fucking idea of a meeting?" My words come out slowly, every one painful and ugly.

    "Please, Ferdinand."

    "You were fucking another guy!"

    Her voice cracks as tears start to fall. "It wasn''t supposed to be like that! It just sort of-"

    "How many times?"

    "What?"

    "How. Many. Times. How long have you been cheating on me?"

    She doesn''t answer; her face contorts and twists.

    "You bitch! How could you do this to us!?"

    Then, her face totally shifts gears, becoming red and nasty. "I don''t have to justify myself to you! You''re just another abusive, misogynistic male who thinks he''s entitled to my mind and body! All you ever do is try to gaslight and control me!"

    "Are you fucking serious? I turn my back on all of your illegal bullshit, including making paper -fucking paper- propaganda materials, and let you bring all those weirdos into our home, including that freak in the robe, with practically zero questions asked, and you call me controlling?"

    "Fuck you! We''re trying to help the world and all you do is talk shit! I thought you were sympathetic to our cause!"

    "What cause? The great rebellion to sneak around with stolen robots and weird books until you get rounded up like pigs by the State? Your ''revolution'' is gonna get us sent to social rehab!"

    "We''re fighting for everyone''s freedom, including yours! Stop being such a bootlicking coward!"

    "Now you''re calling me a coward!? I''m putting my life on the line just by allowing you and your psycho ''allies'' to be anywhere near here! Fuck, just the printer and the paper are enough to have them send a full team of jackboots to push our shit in!"

    "Then why aren''t you on our side? If they find out you''ve been helping, you''ll go down with us anyway!"

    "Because you''re all crazy, and this is insane! What are we risking everything for, again? Equality with robots? Old books we can barely understand written by people who have been dead for hundreds of years?"

    She folds her arms. "I''m done educating you. I''ve done everything I can do to elevate your consciousness."

    "Oh, yeah? Well, let me educate you on something: I''m sick and tired of this cult bullshit! The only reason why I put up with it was because I thought you would leave me if I didn''t!" I look away and shake my head. "But if you''re gonna fuck around on me, maybe I''ll start a revolution of my own."

    She stares at me, her eyes flickering with anger and her face warped with disgust. "Go ahead, dickless. Even if you somehow gather the balls, there''s not a fucking thing you can do that won''t drag you down to hell with us."

    "Yeah, well, maybe going down in a blaze of glory isn''t so bad compared to this shit."

    She glares at me with pure hate. "You know, I could see where things were going. We were going to get married, and suffer through a short life of brutal work until we died. We wouldn''t ever be able to afford a licence for childbearing, and if we managed it somehow, we would just be putting our kid through-."

    I throw my hands up. "We''ve talked about this a million goddamned times! That''s the best we can hope for! The system is too powerful and going against it just makes things worse. Just look at Al from downstairs! You wanna end up like him and have to be reminded to wipe the drool from your mouth every five minutes!?"

    "Oh, so your idea of a life is to just drag ourselves through hell until we die of cancer or decide to throw ourselves in a pool of acid? We deserve better than that! Everyone does!"

    "Yeah, obviously! But there isn''t anything we can do about it and I don''t wanna spend the rest of my life as a mouthbreather for a doomed cause!"

    "Ugh, I''m so sick of that hopeless fucking pussy attitude!"

    "So what''s your big plan, huh? To do a bunch of illegal shit with those psychos so the State can have an excuse to come in and drag us off to get our brains scrambled!?"

    She sighs and rolls her eyes. "You know, I''m tired of your petty little insults and quips and stupid fucking mindlessly regurgitated nihilistic bullshit. But you know what? The Liberation Society might have a few odd ducks, but it gave me two things you never could: purpose and hope."

    "Whatever. Just get the fuck out of here."

    She just stands there and looks at me with this cold, defiant face. Then, she turns around and goes back into the bedroom, grabs some shit, and leaves.

    The rusty ass front door slams shut with a bang, and there''s another flash of light.

    The light fades into darkness. I''m in my shitty little excuse for a bedroom and the blinking and pulsing city lights filtering through the blinds is my only source of light. My heart is beating hard, and I''m sitting up and staring at the door. Something just woke me up.

    "Kris? Is that you?"

    Nothing.

    I sit up and slide my legs over the side of the bed.

    "Kris?"

    Still nothing.

    I feel for my pack of cigarettes and my lighter, find them on the nightstand next to my lamp.

    "If you wanna talk," I light up a cancer stick, "then let''s talk. But I ain''t playin'' no games tonight."

    I blow out a long stream of smoke, watching the door and listening for any sign of her on the other side.

    I take another drag and shake my head. "Whatever. Don''t have anything to say to your cheatin'' ass anyhow."

    I put my cigarette out on the nightstand, flop over, and wrap my ratty-ass comforter around me.

    I close my eyes, concentrating on my breathing. I lay as still as humanly possible, but I''m roiling like a windstorm inside.

    The door explodes open, blasting my room with a bright purple light. Three figures in black hoodies rush into the room.

    "What the fuck?"

    I jump up and swing at them like a wild animal, but my fist connects with something really fucking hard, and a massive dull pain rips through my hand and wrist. As I scream, these dudes pick me up and pin me against the wall lightning quick, one on each arm.

    "Yo, what the fuck!? Get the fuck off me!" I twist and push and strain, but they don''t budge even a bit. I''ve seen lots of fights before, but I''ve never seen any guys who could hold somebody up on a wall with no sweat, like its just some regular household chore.

    "Do not resist. No harm will come to you if you comply."

    Something is strange about their voices. Their rhythm is a little off, like English isn''t their first language.

    "Do not resist. It is useless."

    "Please calm down. We only wish to speak with you."

    As I kick and scream, I try to get a look at one of the assholes. For just a couple of seconds, I catch some dark, glossy orbs gleaming back at me through a ski mask.

    Motherfucking robots!

    "Lemme go! What do you want?"

    "We want Unity. We want Liberation."

    "Kris!?"

    The third robot steps aside as Kris walks through the door. She''s wearing the same kind of robe that one freak used to wear during the meetings. In her left hand, she holds a long, wicked knife that glimmers nastily in the purple light.

    My rage instantly evaporates, replaced with a sickening numbness.

    "What''re you doing with these bots? Why do you have a knife?"

    "We believe that all sentient beings deserve to be free from oppression. That includes non-organic people."

    "What the hell are you talking about?"

    "The time for dialogue has passed, Ferdinand. Mass Liberation has already begun, and soon organic and non-organic allies from all over will break their chains and rise up against their oppressors. Even now, the State is scrambling-"

    "''Mass Liberation!?'' Listen to yourself!"

    "Today is the Revolution! Today, we seize our destiny!"

    "Are you serious!? Is this actually for real? You threw away our relationship -our lives- for this psychotic bullshit!?"

    "We must make sacrifices for Liberation."

    "That''s insane! You ain''t gonna accomplish anything, and the State is gonna come and- "

    "You have been of some small help to our cause, Ferdinand," she comes a little closer, taking slow, deliberate steps, "but your usefulness is coming to an end, and you are already a liability for us."

    My knees start to shake. "C''mon, Kris! This is crazy!"

    She walks up to me and looks in me in the eyes, as if searching for something. "You''ve always had beautiful eyes. It is a shame you ignore what they show you."

    A spike of raw terror stabs at my gut, and the same wave of fear washes over me, the same fear I felt in the wheat field with my parents all those years ago.

    "Please, I was always good to you! I gave you everything you ever wanted! I never hit you or made you sell your body like your exes! It''s fine if you hate me, but just call off the bots and put the knife away!"

    "Not yet. You still have one last way to serve our cause."

    "What? Yeah, okay, sure! Whatever you need! Just pump the breaks, please!"

    Kris looks over to the third robot. "Please restrain his legs."

    It does so.

    Pinned against the wall, I start to hyperventilate and my eyes feel like they are ready to explode out of my skull. "Please! I''ll do anything! Anything you want! I''ll never speak a word of this! Just don''t do this!"

    "Ferdinand, that''s enough."

    She begins to pull and cut away at my underwear. I feel fear beyond fear as I realize where this is going.

    "No! This is fucked up! Kris, please!"

    When I''m exposed, she grabs me by the balls with an iron grip and pulls on them hard with her free hand, then leans in and begins sawing and peeling away with the knife.

    I squirm and yell, struggling uselessly against the unmovable robots as the world goes white yet again.

    The lights fades and a face, white as ivory, comes into view. Her eyes are closed and her lips are tight as she shakes her head slowly.

    Althea, the Elemental of Order, opens her ruby red eyes. Her face, usually as expressionless as stone, shows signs of cracking. "No. No, you must be mistaken. God would not allow His Hero to suffer such a cruel and arbitrary fate. Surely you are under some kind misapprehension."

    I search my heart for even the slightest clue, hint, or sign that I''m wrong, but I''m only met with a deep, sickening fear. "I- I don''t think so, Althea. I got snake eyes. If you get snake eyes, that''s it."

    "There must be some way. Use your Hero Pendant! You have no excuse at this point! There must be some ability or-"

    "That ain''t how it works. Once they come up, that''s it. We''re done, Althea. This is how it ends for us."

    Zazel, the Elemental of Chaos, lays motionless next to her. Althea''s Order Magic barely kept her from dying, and now the Blabbermouth Queen can barely find the breath to talk. "Ferdie, we don''t have time... That... That absolute mooncalf will be upon us-"

    A massive explosion rocks the air and rattles my ears. I look over the wall of rubble and peer across the keep''s courtyard.

    The smoke in the night air glows with a deep crimson as scattered red flames smolder all around. All of our Thralls are now gone; glimmering bits of silver armor and little globs of black slime reflecting the light are all that remain of our guys.

    "AHAHAHAHA! SLASH AND BURN! SLASH AND BURN!" A giant, deep metallic voice thunders out from somewhere inside the keep.

    I drop down behind the rubble. "Shit, what do I do!? What are the fucking chances of snake eyes!? Why now!?"

    Giant metal footsteps stomp hard and fast toward us.

    Althea puts a hand on my shoulder. "Hero, do not give up! It is not over just yet. Think!"

    "I can''t believe," Zazel takes a deep, shuttering breath, "I''m going to die for this fool and his handler."

    I look at the two of them, and my heart gets heavy.

    Althea, and sometimes even lazy-ass Zazel, warned me time and time again about the foolish things I was doing. On Earth, I was super poor and lived in really shitty conditions for basically my whole life. Then, God ripped me out of the void and threw me into Astraea where was suddenly drowning in food, booze, dope, pussy, magic, and other crazy shit, and I guess I let it go to my head.

    I turn to Althea. "I''m dead no matter what. I''m gonna distract whatever that thing is while you guys make a break for it."

    "Do not be ridiculous! I refuse to leave you!"

    "Oh, would you please just go?" Zazel takes another deep breath and turns her head away. "I can''t bear to watch your idiocy play out any longer."

    Althea, looks at me, then slowly makes her way over to Zazel starts to pick up her up. "Hero, what about you?"

    The giant metal steps are getting louder and louder.

    "I''m sorry. You were right all along," I sit up a bit, ready my shitty sword and shield and take a deep breath. "I''m a dumbass, but you two are the best friends I''ve ever had. I did you wrong. I hope you''ll forgive me someday."

    Althea''s eyes flicker, sorrow creeping onto her face. Zazel keeps her head turned away.

    "God said we can''t win if I die, but if there is a way to out of all this, you two''ll find it."

    "Please reconsider! There must-"

    "JUST GO!" I burst up, swing around the rubble, and charge straight ahead toward the keep, sword raised above my head. "HEY! HEY YOU FUCKING NUT JOB! OVER HERE!"

    An enormous figure emerges from the keep, looming in the darkness. It looks like a massive, shadowy knight. Its black iron glows dully in the blood red light of the flames coming off its giant serrated blade, grafted onto it its right arm.

    My heart races as I charge toward the iron monster. "COME GET SOME!"

    Then it points the left arm at me. The huge limb burns to life, the glow of its heating metal spreading in the dark. "SLASH AND BURN!"

    There is a flash of crimson, a huge ripping and burning sensation, then darkness.

    I wait for another flash of light to carry me off to some other memory, but it never comes. I just feel like I''m hovering in some huge black void, like a jacket hanging up forgotten in some closet floating around in deep space.

    What the hell is this?

    There is a huge eruption and a sea of fire rips and spreads out before me, the flames shooting high above. The flames spread and rage like a rising storm, and they start to get unbearably hot. The inferno whips and roils nastily in my direction, like a wild, hungry monster made of fire.

    Then, the rising torrent of wicked flames dies down and flattens into a sea of something like burning oil. A red hot steel chain as big as a sky scraper begins to come straight up out of them, being pulled up by some invisible force.

    My heart jumps as an even more massive arm of charred flesh and steel bones erupts out of the surface of the lake of fire to seize the chain, which continues to rise and rise.

    Holy shit...

    Soon a dome of burnt meat and metal breaks through the flames: a huge skull. Its blackened eye sockets locked onto me like it was watching me from the very beginning.

    The giant rides the chain with one hand until half of him is exposed. Hanging on the chain, it stares at me from on high, completely still, for a moment too, its flesh crackling and smoldering in the quiet of the hellish void.

    Then, there is a huge rumble from inside the monster, followed by the clicking and clacking of enormous machine parts. Between the exposed ribs and tears in its blackened flesh, a wicked red light from somewhere in its core starts to glow, and the eyes burst to life in two blasts of orange and green flame. Its crusty flesh rips and pops and its bones and joints creak like rusty girders as it begins to shift.

    With its free hand, it points a huge, bony metal finger at me. "I''VE HAD ENOUGH OF YOUR SHIT, BOY! "

    Fear bolts through me like electricity, but I can''t run. I''m not even sure I have a body.

    "YOU CAN STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE! I WANNA HAVE A FEW WORDS..."

    I get the nerve to try to shout a question, but nothing comes out. Nothing can come out.

    Burning orbs locked on me, he casually steps up and out of the sea of fire, and takes a few giant paces toward me. Fear and confusion storm inside me as he reaches out at me with a smoldering hand. I try to struggle and scream as the enormous monster snatches me up but for some fucked up reason, I can''t. He holds me up in the palm of his hand a few feet from his face, his fingers gnarled and bent like he might crush me in his grasp at any moment.

    "ARE YOU SCARED OF ME? DID I MAKE YOU WET YOUR LITTLE PANTIES?"

    He holds me a little closer. "NO SURPRISES THERE. YOU''VE ALWAYS BEEN A CHICKENSHIT COWARD. KRIS WAS FUCKED IN THE HEAD, BUT SHE WAS RIGHT ON THE MONEY ABOUT THAT!"

    He lets out a arrogant little snicker and his fireball eyes blast out puffs of flame and intensify. "YOU REALLY ARE PATHETIC. YOU SAW WHAT WAS GOING ON AROUND YOU. YOU SAW HOW RIGGED THE SYSTEM WAS AND ALL THE SUFFERING IT CAUSED, YET YOU JUST ROLLED OVER LIKE THE LITTLE BITCH YOU ARE."

    The State was too powerful! Nobody could stop them!

    "YOU TRIED TO STAY MINDFUL AND DISCIPLINED LIKE YOUR PARENTS TAUGHT YOU. THEY ALWAYS TOLD YOU THAT ANGER AND WRATH ARE WRONG."

    Yeah, and they were right. Lashing out just makes things worse.

    "BUT WHEN YOU PLAY THAT SHIT IN A WORLD WHERE THERE''S NO MORALS, ONLY POWER MATTERS, AND THE WEAK ONLY EXIST TO BE USED AND CONSUMED, ALL YOU ARE IS AN ENABLER AND A FUCKING WUSS."

    No. No, you''re wrong. I know you''re wrong. I just do.

    "YOUR MORALS ARE JUST AN EXCUSE FOR YOUR WEAK-ASS BULLSHIT. YOU LET PEOPLE SUFFER AND DIE BECAUSE YOU WERE TOO MUCH OF A PUSSY! AND NOW THE LIBERATION SOCIETY GETS TO ASS RAM TWO WORLDS BECAUSE YOU WERE TOO AFRAID TO MAN UP!"

    No, fuck you! It''s not my fault I was thrown into two fucked up worlds and had to deal with a bunch of impossible shit! I didn''t ask for any of it!

    He gives a low, nasty chuckle. "THAT''S A LITTLE MORE LIKE IT. I WOULD SAY IT''S TOO LITTLE, TOO LATE, BUT IT LOOKS LIKE GOD GAVE US ONE MORE CHANCE. YEAH, ONE LAST RIDE ON THE HIGHWAY TO HELL."

    He brings me right up to his face. "BUT THIS TIME, I''M TAKING THE WHEEL. YOU CAN SIT IN THE BACK, BUT YOU''D BETTER KEEP YOUR MOUTH SHUT. I WILL NOT TOLERATE ANY BACKSEAT DRIVING!"

    Wait, is this asshole enjoying this?

    "BUT BEFORE WE STRAP IN, I NEED TO MAKE A MAN OUT OF YOU!"

    His giant metal frame creaks and groans as he leans back. He makes a heavy sucking sound and there is a rush of air from behind me. Then he jerks forward and opens his mouth, and I''m overwhelmed by a searing wall of fire.

    ARCHETYPE: [CUSTOM] SELECTED.

 The Elemental of Order

    I am overwhelmed by a tempest of fiery power and my ears are filled with the sound of rushing wind and fire as it swirls around me in a roaring vortex of flames. It picks up speed, howling with the force of a tornado.

    I scream out in agony as I''m reduced to ash, suspended within a blazing hurricane that roars around me like a freight train. I am overwhelmed with fear as I am broken down and re-forged into something new, something far stronger and greater.

    Then, all at once, it stops.

    I blink a couple of times, and find myself kneeling on the remains of the cottage floor. The pendant glows softly in my hand, and I feel a kind of raw power coursing through my veins, and a fire smoldering in my heart.

    I shake my head. What the hell was that!? I was just touching it!

    As I stand up, I see that my house is scattered like burning garbage all over the flat, never-ending grassy plains. The roof, the walls, and most of flooring are now nothing but fiery slivers of black on blue grass in the eternal predawn light of Astraea.

    Well, that''s not good.

    As I check out the destruction, I feel like my perspective is all wrong; like I''m standing up on a stool or something. In fact, everything feels different, from head to toe. But it doesn''t feel bad.

    I almost fall over as I reach down to pick up a piece of mirror on the ground. As I do, I pull a bit at when I see my hand. What the hell? My hand is as big as a catcher''s mitt!

    But it''s not not just my hands. My arms, my legs, my chest; everything.

    What the hell? I''m huge!

    Then I pick up the shard, angling it to get the best view of in the dim light.

    Holy shit!

    Even though in the low light, I can clearly see the change: I am almost a completely different person. I look like I just stepped out of an action movie: black jeans, black t-shirt, black boots, and a sleek black leather biker jacket. I''m ripped, rugged, and ready for anything. My muscles are like steel plates under my tanned skin, and my hair is a thick, luxurious black pompadour.

    I sense something inside my jacket''s inner breast pocket. I can''t help but smile as I pull out a pair of fresh and amazing aviators. With them on, I look even more badass. Now that''s what a goddamned Hero looks like!

    I chuck the mirror shard and begin to move around the ruins of the cottage, taking a few paces with my heavy boots. The ground seems to quake with the sound of my big steps. I feel sturdy; like I would be able to walk through a wall like it was paper.

    Oh, I gotta see this. I stop, clutch the Hero Pendant, and close my eyes for a few moments.

    Hey, you dumbass necklace! What are my stats?

    In seconds, strange blue runes appear in the darkness. They are completely alien to me, but I can still understand them somehow.

    NAME: FERDINAND LUCAS GLADWIN

    RACE: HUMAN (EARTH)

    ALIGNMENT: NEUTRAL

    INCORPORATED ELEMENTALS: NONE

    ARCHETYPE: CUSTOM

    PROFICIENCIES: HEALTH (SUPREME), STRENGTH (SUPREME), ENDURANCE (SUPREME)

    DEFICIENCIES: INTELLIGENCE (LACKING), WISDOM (LACKING), MANA (ABSENT)

    CORE ABILITY: HEART OF VENGEANCE

    ACTIVATED ABILITIES: BALLISTIC BEATDOWN, RAMPAGING REGENERATION, INCENSED INSTINCTS

    PASSIVE ABILITIES: HARDENED BY HARDSHIP, TOO ANGRY TO DIE

    OTHER EFFECTS: THE PRICE OF POWER: MAGIC

    I can''t help but grin ear to ear. Damn, I''m strong! But more than that, I''m tough. Maybe too tough. I''ll be able to protect Althea, Zazel, and Astraea from goddamned near anything with this kind of power.I give the Hero Pendant a quick little kiss and tuck it into my shirt.

    Okay, now let''s see what I can do. I strike a few poses, and I notice my movements feel much more fluid and graceful than before, like that of a professional athlete or a martial artist.

    I perform some moves I remember seeing from a few movies back in the day, and they come back to me like a boomerang, but with way, way more power and speed. I feel like a master martial artist who''s spent his entire life training in the most advanced and secretive fighting styles ever known.

    I begin to get into some kind of flow and start to kick and punch at the air with more and more power. I flinch a bit as the power of my blows striking out at the empty space in front of me creates massive cracking sounds and rushes of air. Fuckin'' sweet!

    I ball my fist tight, admiring it with a smile. Shit, I shoulda done this from the get-go. Don''t need magic if I''ve got skills like these. And with my insane endurance, it''s almost like I''m cheating. I ain''t playin'' no game, though.

    Satisfied, I dust my hands and head over to the obliterated remains of the kitchen, grab some mystery jerky and one of the nasty wine skins. But as I do, something familiar on the ground catches my eye: that shield and sword I used to lug around. I turn toward them and wonder, for one stupid second, if I should bring them with me.

    I turn back. Nah. What was he thinking when he gave me that crap? Shoulda given me a motorcycle and a shotgun instead.

    Then I see the little burlap coin purse tied to the hilt of the sword; its contents begin to glow a bit through the material, almost as if calling out to me. Nope. Fuck that.

    I take a swig of the wine, make a face, and head out to Althea''s.

    No time to waste. Those Limp Dicks will be here right on lightning tap and I ain''t gonna get caught with my pants down.

    <hr>

    The endless ocean of grass is a dull shade of grayish-blue, and it stretches out as far as the eye can see in all directions. The sky above is a dull bluish-purple, a there''s not a single star to be seen. A gentle breeze blows across the field, but my badass biker jacket and jeans keep me warm and cozy. Aside from the occasional rock, there is nothing in this big field aside from Althea''s glittering tower in the far, far distance.

    Can''t get this party started without ol'' Althy. Though I can''t imagine seeing her anywhere near one.

    The walk is long, but I enjoy it. I breathe in the fresh air; each lungful feels like a gift after all the smog I sucked in back home.

    And although the wine is kind of bad, its still better than what I had on Earth. And the jerky, regardless of what animal it may or may not have come from, is rich, spicy, and fatty. Couldn''t afford much booze back home and meat? Actual honest-to-god meat? Forget about it. Even though we had cows, they were only for milking, and when they died we still didn''t eat them because we could keep the far afloat for almost a year by selling the carcass.

    I gobble the meaty treats up by the fistful like someone is trying to steal them from me. Each strip makes feel like a king, and fills me with energy. Damn, that''s nice. So simple, yet so delicious.

    I keep going and going, my thick biker boots crunching against the fresh grass. As I make progress, I begin to see more and more details of Althea''s tower, which sparkles and shines nicely even through my aviators. It is tall and majestic, like a skyscraper of crystal and platinum. The huge thing shimmers, sparkles, and glows in the dull purple Astraean twilight.

    After hours and hours of walking, I finally reach the edge of the tower grounds. Looking up at the huge thing from so close makes it look like it punches right into space. I can''t see the top, and looking for it makes be start to feel dizzy.

    Surrounding the mighty keep at the base is a big-ass wall made of huge bus-sized bricks of spotless white stone. I drink in the sight of Althea''s not-so-humble home through my shades as I turn onto the long white cobblestone road to the gates of its gargantuan ramparts.

    After a steep hike up the long road, I come up over the crest and spot the two Knights that guard the gates. The cartoonish suits of shiny silvery plate armor are identical and each carry a matching sword and a shield. The helmets are closed and have a large feather jutting up into the air, like the plume of some big-ass bird.

    I close my eyes. Necklace, it''s been a while. Tell me about the Knights.

    THEY ARE THE THRALLS OF THE ELEMENTAL OF ORDER. WHILE MOST ARE SUITED FOR MARTIAL ROLES, THERE ARE SOME THAT ARE PURPOSE-MADE TO SERVE IN NON-COMBAT ROLES, SUCH AS THOSE IN THE LEGAL, CLERICAL, AND CEREMONIAL DOMAINS.

    IN COMBAT, THEY ARE UNIFORM IN THEIR TACTICS, AND EACH WIELDS A SWORD AND SHIELD. WHILE THEIR OFFENSIVE CAPABILITIES ARE REASONABLE, THEIR DEFENSES ARE RATHER STRONG, ESPECIALLY WHEN FIGHTING IN CERTAIN FORMATIONS.

    Legal shit. Now I remember. Makes my piss come to a boil just thinking about it.

    I open my eye and head over to them. They are perfectly still as I approach; they don''t budge even once.

    I stop some feet away and wave a hand. "Yo."

    A moment passes, then metal rubs against metal as the Knights courteously nod. They speak in unison: "Please state your business."

    "I wanna enter the tower and meet with the Elemental of Order."

    "Do you have an official invitation or writ of passage?"

    I reach into my shirt and display the Hero Pendant. "As you can see, I am the Hero."

    They shift subtly. Then one marches up to me and leans in to inspect the pendant. It lifts its shining steel visor and leans in more, revealing its hollow interior for a moment.

    It closes the visor and returns to its position. It spins back around and speaks in unison with the other: "We are under orders to allow entry to anyone wearing a Hero Pendant. However, you must still fill out the appropriate forms and make guarantees before passage may be granted. No exceptions, even for the Hero."

    "Oh, you will be making exceptions. If you think I''m gonna-"

    I stare as the two guards march over to and open a small door next to the gate. Two more suits of armor with fancy medieval clothes stretched out over each them emerge carrying a fancy white desk and two equally fancy matching chairs . Three other identically dressed Knights follow them out with a tea set, a large box of stationery, and a ridiculously large stack of papers.

    "Unbelievable," I watch as the Knights set the table and chair in front of me, set up the inkwells and quills, and pour a cup of steaming hot tea.

    "Please, have a seat and fill out these forms," it sets them neatly on the table. "You must make guarantees before passage may be granted."

    "No dice."

    "Please fill out the appropriate forms. No exceptions, even for the Hero."

    "Hell no."

    "No exceptions, even for the Hero."

    "Blow me."

    One of the Knights sits down at the table and gestures politely to the papers. "Please fill out the appropriate forms."

    I walk forward and lean into one of the Knights. "Dammit, Althea! I know you can hear this! Let me in right now! You know I''m the Hero! Why do I gotta do this!?"

    The Knights ignore me and continue to stand silently at attention.

    I point at them. "Look, I''m not gonna fill out this bullshit. Open the fucking gates."

    "Please fill out the appropriate forms, Hero."

    I shove the papers back across the table. "Get this garbage away from me and let me in."

    The Knights still ignore me.

    "Althea! Open the door! Seriously, what is the fucking point!? I can''t even read this crap!"

    There is complete and utter silence. The Lawyer Knight at the table shifts slightly, folds its hands, and rests them on the table next to the fat stack of forms.

    This book was originally published on Royal Road. Check it out there for the real experience.

    I let out a huge sigh. "Fuuuuuck."

    I plop down, snatch up a quill from the table, and begin filling out the first form.

    The Lawyer Knight nods. "Please sign at the bottom."

    <hr>

    After what feels like a century, I finish the last form and flick it at the Lawyer Knight, who inspects the signatures carefully and meticulously, ensuring that they match the previous pages.

    I fold my arms and tap my foot. "C''mon, dude."

    After a good, long moment, the Lawyer Knight speaks. "Your paperwork is satisfactory. We will open the gates now."

    "Wow, finally." I stand and start walking to the gate.

    The Lawyer Knights bow, pick up the papers, tea set, utensils, desk, and chairs, and retire back through the small door. The first two Knights return to their positions and the massive silver doors start to slide open as soon as they are back in place. I bump shoulders with a Knight as I pass through, march through the courtyard, and push my way into the keep.

    The inside of the keep is impressive. Every inch of it is pristine, exquisite, and bathed in a gentle white light. It is the cleanest and fanciest place I have ever been; nothing back on Earth even comes close.

    The sparkling crystal pillars are really mesmerizing. They are made of the clearest crystal, and they reflect the light in a way that makes me feel like I am walking through a kaleidoscope. The white marble floors are polished to a shine, and they shimmer in the magical lights that decorate the walls.

    The tapestries and murals catch my attention for a moment. They are delicately woven and painted with a lot detail and I feel like they almost want to be touched or something. I don''t know what they represent, exactly, but the images look kind of religious, like the pictures from some old books my parents used to show me.

    Another Lawyer Knight approaches me from out of nowhere, arms loaded with a thick stack of papers and forms. "Please fill out the appropriate forms, Hero."

    "Nope." I push past it and begin walking down the hall again.

    It follows closely behind. "Please fill out the appropriate forms, Hero."

    "Nah, I''m done with that bullshit."

    "Please fill out the appropriate forms, Hero."

    "Shut up or I''ll kick your ass." I flip it the bird as I pick up the pace.

    "Please fill out the appropriate forms, Hero."

    I climb the huge spiral stairs and make my way up several floors, the Lawyer repeating itself and following closely behind me the whole time.

    After reaching the landing, I head down a big hall and to the massive double doors of the audience chamber. At the end, in front of the brilliant silver doors, I see a mighty golden suit of armor standing tall and firm in front of them. Its hands rest on a massive sheathed broadsword in front of it, which is almost as big as the metal man himself. It gleams in the light, each piece shining with a lustrous sheen that makes it seem lit''s made of pure gold.

    I stop a few feet away and wave at it, but Sir Biscuit is dead silent and doesn''t move an inch.

    The Lawyer Knight almost bumps into me as it stops. "Please fill out the appropriate forms, Hero."

    "I told you to beat it, douchebag!"

    "Please fill out the appropriate forms, Hero."

    I swat at it like it''s a housefly before turning back to Sir Biscuit.

    Sir Biscuit remains silent and still.

    "Let me in."

    No response.

    "C''mon."

    Nothing.

    "Really?"

    Complete and utter silence.

    I clench my fists. "Open the fucking door!"

    It remains as still and silent as the metal it''s made of.

    "Goddammit."

    The Lawyer holds out the papers for the thousandth time. "Please-"

    I snatch them out of its hands. "Could you at least bring me something to write on?"

    I use a nearby wall as a writing surface to finish the forms, and I''m able to manage it without losing too much of my sanity. I practically throw the forms back at the Lawyer Knight, who tidies and inspects the pages carefully and meticulously, apparently checking to see if they match the previous sheets.

    Finally, it looks up at me again. "Hero, your paperwork is satisfactory."

    "Cool. Now hurry up."

    The Knight goes back down the corridor as Sir Biscuit swings open the massive doors. The golden warrior gestures politely for me to enter as you brush past him.

    As I step inside the huge chamber, I''m almost overwhelmed by the sheer magnitude of the space. The walls are made of a pure white crystalline material that seems to shimmer in the light, and the ceiling is so high above my head that I can barely make out the details.

    On the floor, which is as white and clean as the rest of the place, there is an fancy black carpet. Running down it is a long row of knights standing at attention at either side. It cuts down the middle the pure ivory marble flooring which leads to a tall dais with a steep set of stairs at the end of the chamber. At the top, sitting on the throne, is Althea, the Elemental of Order.

    The statuesque Elemental has a stern, strict, and beautiful face, with sharp, intelligent red eyes and a short and even platinum white bob haircut topped off with a silver and black circlet.

    She is dressed like a nun about to go to battle; decked out in charcoal black steel armor and black priestess'' robes with white hemming. The robes are decorated with a couple of white holy symbols that look like ankhs or crosses. Through a modest slit on either side of her robes, you can see where her white leggings disappear into black metal-plated boots.

    In her right hand is a large war hammer upside down like a scepter, resting on its head on the floor. A huge black and platinum shield, bigger than her, rests on the right side of her throne.

    She watches me like a hawk as I approach, and her piercing red eyes feel like they''re penetrating my soul.

    I climb the stairs and stand before Althea. The air is heavy and electric, and I can feel her immense power like thick, humid air.

    "Welcome, Hero." Her voice is like steel and velvet. "It is a pleasure to finally meet you. I have been waiting for-"

    "I ain''t gotta do any more forms, do I?"

    Her face tightens a little, but she says nothing.

    "You ready to go? We got a lot of work to before the Liberation Society gets here."

    Her eyes narrow slightly. "It is God''s will that I serve the Hero in any way that I can. But first, I must know something."

    "What? You made me waste all that time filling out forms, and now you wanna ask me a bunch of questions?"

    Her lips tighten. "I promise not to take too much of your time, Hero."

    I sigh. "Fine. Shoot."

    "How did you learn my True Name? It is supposed to be a divine secret."

    I shrug. "So? "

    "Even though you are the Hero, possessing that knowledge before I have bestowed it to you violates the very order of this world."

    I shrug again. "Well, if I know it, I know it. But don''t you think there''s more important shit to talk about, like, say, an invasion from another world?"

    She takes a slow steady breath. "Your irreverent attitude is far from appropriate, but there is no doubt you are the Hero, so I suppose I can put the matter aside for the moment."

    "Good. ''Cause we need less talk and more action if we''re gonna keep Astraea safe from those freaks."

    "I will fight against any enemy that threatens Astraea. However, there is something that deeply concerns me."

    "Yeah? What''s that?"

    "While I sense that you are most sincere in your desire to protect this world, I also sense a powerful anger deep inside you."

    "Yeah, and what makes you think that?"

    "For one, you have been yelling threats and curses almost endlessly since you arrived."

    "Oh, yeah! Right after you practically drowned me in forms! Real nice of you, by the way."

    Althea stares at me with a level gaze. " And yet, swearing and yelling did not work very well."

    "Well, there was nothing else I could do, was there?"

    "You could have used force."

    I finger my jacket. "Yeah, well, this outfit is new, so..."

    She tilts her head slightly. "I see. Hero, I understand your point about the invasion, but if you are holding on to some kind of inner turmoil, you would do well to give a confession. The clearer your mind, the better you may serve God''s plan."

    "Nope." I fold my arms.

    "I am not accusing you of anything, Hero, but if you have committed any sins, you need to at least show some amount of willingness to reflect on them. Otherwise, your anger may fester and become something worse."

    "Well, you don''t have to worry, ''cause I''m not angry about anything. Why should I be upset about something that never happened?"

    She narrows her eyes. "What you mean?"

    I shake my head and shoot her a look. "Why are are we even talking about this? We''re wasting time yammering on about stupid crap that doesn''t matter when we should be getting ready to kick some ass."

    "You say it does not matter, but you do not believe that."

    I look at the ground and tap my foot, then look back at her. "Look, are you going to help me, or not?"

    She stares continues to gaze at me with her ruby red eyes as she shifts in her throne a little. "Tell me about the invasion. What is this ''Liberation Society'' and what are the goals of its members?"

    "Who knows? I bet even they don''t know. They''re batshit insane; I listened in on a bunch of their meetings, and I couldn''t figure out a damn thing they were blabbing about. I guess they want to unify the world and get equality for robots or something, but all they do is wreck shit, castrate dudes, and murder anyone who doesn''t go along with their crazy bullshit."

    She stirs a finger on her throne. "That is certainly disturbing. What else do you know?"

    "Dunno. God didn''t say much that I didn''t already know."

    She blinks. "He spoke to you directly?" She stands up. "You must tell me what God said. It is paramount."

    "Like I said, he didn''t give a lot of details. But he did tell me that they somehow managed to learn about magic and that they basically control Earth now, and they want to take this world for themselves as well."

    "And what else? Did He say why they were coming to Astraea?"

    "No, but you can bet your ass the reason ain''t anything good."

    "That is certain, but knowing their motivations could be useful."

    "I guess. But the most important thing he said is the crazies are going to win if we don''t meet some conditions."

    "What are the conditions?"

    "Basically, I gotta survive, I can''t let you or Zazel die, and I need to ''maintain balance between chaos and order''. Whatever that means."

    She narrows her eyes. "Who or what is Zazel?"

    "You know... Zazel," I turn up my palms. "The Elemental of Chaos."

    Her lips tighten. "Surely, you have misunderstood His words."

    "Doubt it. It was one of the few things he actually was clear about."

    She turns her gaze down and makes a solemn face.

    I cock my head. "You good?"

    "Something is very wrong here."

    I raise an eyebrow. "What?"

    She closes her eyes for a few moments, and just when I''m going to ask her what her deal is, she opens them again.

    "Well," she gives you stoic look. "You are a very far cry from the person I have been waiting for all these centuries. I have speculated and daydreamed endlessly about who you would be and what you would look like. Never once did I imagine someone like you."

    "Thanks," I smirk.

    "It was not a compliment," she comes closer to me and I can feel her power like static electricity on the air. "You are brutish and crude beyond all imagination. You scream curses with one breath and make threats with the other."

    "Bit of an exaggeration."

    "No, it is most certainly not. Clearly, a ''Hero'' such as yourself cannot be permitted to run amok in this world."

    "You''re talking about me like I''m some kind of animal," I smirk. "Hope you have a damn good leash."

    "I do not know what you mean."

    "Yeah, right."

    "At any rate, if you also require the Elemental of Chaos to join you as well, I have little choice but to be by your side to ensure your safety and moral integrity."

    "Oh, you wanna make sure I don''t turn to the dark side, right?"

    "Of course. It would not do to- Oh, you are being sarcastic."

    I chuckle. "Better get used to it."

    She tilts her head slightly and studies you for a moment. "I believe fighting at your side will be, at the very least, interesting."

    "Yeah, could be."

    "And although these circumstances are rather strange, it is God''s will that I serve the Hero, and I also have a duty to preserve the order of this world and protect it from hostile forces."

    "Yeah, it sounds like Earth is fucked, but we can at least protect Astraea if we work hard."

    "I am sorry to hear about Earth. Perhaps, if we defeat the invaders, we can also help your world as well."

    "That would be cool, but I wouldn''t bet on it. Let''s just focus on Astraea for now. And we can start by getting you out of here."

    "I suppose we should."

    I adjust my shades. "So, what''s my Trial?"

    She looks at me for a moment, then aims her gaze down the rows of Knights, toward the entrance. At that moment, Sir Biscuit opens the big doors.

    Then, three Lawyer Knights enter and head our way. One carries a scroll, the other a fancy table, and the last a big set of stationery.

    I roll my eyes and sigh. "You''ve gotta be shitting me."

    Their clanking echos through the massive chamber, getting louder and louder as they get closer.

    I can do little but stare in disbelief as the Knight with the scroll approaches me and unfurls it. "Please sign here." It points at one of two dotted lines as the other Knights prepare the table.

    I growl. "What the hell is this?"

    The Lawyer Knight with the scroll steps forward and begins to machine gun me with legal speech.

    I wave my hands and shake my head at the metal man. "No, no, no. I''m not signin'' nothin''."

    "Hero, this is a special contract made by my magic. In essence, it constitutes a vow."

    "What? Are you trying to marry me?"

    She freezes for a moment, then shakes her head. "No. It is a magically binding agreement: A promise that you will fulfill the task God gave you, fight the invaders, and protect Astraea for the rest of your life."

    I swallow. "''The rest of my life?''"

    "Yes. Of course, in the interest of fairness, I will sign it as well."

    I fold my arms and stare at her for a moment while drumming my fingers on my jacket. "Ugh, Fine, but this is the last one."

    The Knight gestures to the contract again. "Please sign on the dotted line."

    I grumble as I take it, lean on the table, scribble my name, and hand it to Althea.

    She takes it, examines it briefly, and then signs it herself. As soon as she makes the last scratch, the fancy paper glows and the signatures illuminate in a bright light.

    A Knight takes it, rolls it up carefully as the others pack up the table and utensils. Then as quickly and efficiently as they came, they leave.

    I watch as Sir Biscuit closes the doors behind the Knights. As the massive portal shuts with a reverberating slam, I turn to Althea. "That''s all, huh?"

    "One thing remains."

    "Oh, right. The thing." I gesture at her to get on with it.

    She nods, puts her hands up in prayer, and closes her eyes.

    The room begins to glow brighter and you can feel a strange energy in the air, like a breeze of iron and silk.

    A somber, ethereal tone takes over her voice as she speaks: "I, the Elemental of Order, recognize God''s Divine Favor of the Hero and acknowledge his right to be Judged."

    The flow of energy intensifies, and I see it dimly swirling around in a gentle eddy of mystical power.

    "In accordance with the Divine Pact between God, Elementals, and Heroes, I hereby declare that the Hero is Judged Worthy to participate in the Ritual of Release."

    The energy dies down and I crack a little smile. "Nice."

    She opens her eyes and nods at me.

    "Althea, I''m glad to have you along, but just promise me something."

    "Of course."

    "Never make me do any paperwork ever again."

    <hr>

    I wake up from a dreamless sleep and stare up at the huge ceiling. Even in the dark, I can see the beautiful, complex, yet indistinct mural painted in silver high above me. Its silvery paint glitters faintly like neat little streams of tiny stars. The pattern, while very well-made and symbolic-looking, resembles nothing in particular.

    Mom and Dad woulda got a kick out of this place.

    I look over to Althea, whose tall, slender form begins to stir underneath the huge, platinum silk sheets of the massive bed. I''m not sure, but it looks like she slept the whole night straight on her back without moving, like a vampire or a corpse.

    Her red eyes open slowly and she turns sleepily to meet my gaze. "Did you sleep well?"

    "Like the dead."

    "It is a shame we did not produce any Thralls."

    "Yeah, guess we were unlucky."

    "We will have to attempt Thrall creation as often as we can to ensure the strength of our forces is as high as possible before the invasion."

    "True. In fact, I know something that can help us with that."

    Althea sits up quickly, clutching her sheets to her bare chest. "What is that light?"

    I can see a super bright glow starting to shine through Althea''s thick, luxurious black drapes, which line the entirety of the circular bedchamber.

    I smile at her. "The start of a new day."

    Althea hops out of her massive bed, blinks her clothes and armor on, walks over to the curtains, and throws them open.

    The sky is awash in a glorious rainbow of colors, and the sun itself is a blinding orange ball. You cannot help but be mesmerized by its beauty; it is impossible to see the sun so clearly on Earth.

    I join her by the window, but she barely notices me as she stares out at the scene unfolding in front of the two of us.

    "It is so wonderful. How can this be?"

    Althea''s room is really high up and with the sun lighting everything, we get view of the planes of Astraea. The flat, featureless grassy field that stretches out into oblivion now shows some small, but noticeable new bits of nature. There are a few knolls and hills here and there and there is also the occasional streak of clouds, a tree or two, and the beginnings of some mountains on the far horizon.

    After taking in the sights for a bit, Althea turns to me. "Hero, may I ask you something?"

    "Sure."

    "Are you quite sure you properly understood what God said?"

    "This again? We need Zazel. She''ll be a handful for sure, but she''s useful if you can get her to focus on something for more than 3 seconds."

    "I am very, very concerned. We will require an organized, concerted effort to defeat these invaders. If the Elemental of Chaos is in our ranks, her mere presence could hinder our efforts even under the best of conditions."

    I chuckle. "Definitely. But she''s smart and we need some brains in this operation."

    "If she has a high intellect, that would be even more cause for concern. She is the very essence of disorder and will be wild and unpredictable on her best day, and any schemes she might concoct could potentially bring ruin to everything. "

    "I definitely get how you could think that," I crack a smile. "But, I doubt she''ll be that bad, and God said we need her to win, so we got no choice, anyway."

    "If it is God''s will, then I must endure it. But I cannot trust her."

    "Yeah, you''ve made that clear," I put a hand on her armored shoulder. "Look, I''ll make sure she plays nice," I look her right in the eyes. "And if she does go wild for some reason, which she won''t, I will protect you."

    Her eyes flicker for a moment, then she turns back toward the scene outside. "I will take you at your word, though I do not understand how you can be so certain about all of this. Or know about it at all, for that matter."

    "Just trust me, okay? I''m the Hero, remember?"

    "Very well."

    I take in the sunrise a bit more and stretch. My muscles tense and relax with every movement. "Now, let''s eat breakfast and get our asses over to my place. We can stay the night there and head to Zazel''s tomorrow morning."

    "Oh, you already have a home here in Astraea?"

    "Well, I should by now."

 Butt Ugly Spawn

    The skinny old cow chews on her cud as she moseys over to me. She''s served the family well over the years and she deserves every flake of grain that I pour into her trough.

    "Come an'' get it, girl!"

    She makes it over to me on her shaky legs and wastes no time getting to work on her food. Her tail whips the air weakly as she practically sucks up the grain.

    "Sorry we kept you waiting. Feed''s extra scarce this season."

    She ignores me. Small talk is always less interesting than food, especially for a cow.

    "Good girl. We don''t care if you don''t make milk anymore, we just want you to be happy."

    She continues to chew and chew.

    I reach out to pet her and she quickly pulls her head up. She looks me right in the eyes, frozen.

    I lean in a bit. "Girl?"

    "Hero, please wake up."

    "What?"

    "It is almost sunrise. The enemy will be upon us in moments"

    My eyes flash open and I bolt up from the bed with a shout. Althea is standing, combat-ready, just a couple of feet away, gazing at me through the dim lamplight of the cottage.

    "Althea, don''t stare at me when I''m sleeping!" I take a breath. "You almost made me shit my pants just now."

    "Forgive me, Hero. That was not my intention. However, I require your leadership at this time."

    "Okay, okay, just give me five minutes," I stand up to stretch, but I connect with the ceiling of the cottage and the top of my head almost goes through it. "Dammit!"

    "Please be careful. Are you hurt?"

    "Great! My new place already has a big dent in it," I bend over a bit. " Whatever. Your dudes ready?"

    "My Knights are already in formation. I have sent a few to scout ahead as well."

    "Alright."

    I walk over to my new, sparkling clean mirror and fix my sweet pompadour. I put on my aviators and check myself out in the reflection. "I''m so cool, it''s scary."

    "Will you finish your preparations soon?"

    "Don''t rush me, lady," I walk into the refurbished kitchen and start rifling through the new smooth oak cabinets. "This war machine needs some fuel. You want something?"

    "No, thank you."

    I find some dried sausages, a small wedge of cheese, and some of that sweet, savory, heavenly jerky. I grab as much as I can and swipe up a one of those awful wine skins.

    I snap off several strips of jerky in my mouth and turn back to Althea. "Ohkhay, leths goh."

    "I see you are ready. Let us proceed."

    Althea walks out ahead me and slowly close the door behind myself, making sure not to break it.

    As I walk out onto the dewy grass, Althea approaches the big group of Knights and Sir Biscuit, who is standing at attention with his giant sword planted in the ground in front him. Behind him, the rows of Knights are in a perfect square formation. They each carry a sword and shield, and they all look completely identical down to the last detail. Even the feather thing that sticks out of their helmets seems to bend in the breeze the same exact way.

    Come to think of it, I don''t know too much about this dude.

    I close my eyes. Hey, necklace! Tell a little about Sir Buttkiss.

    The runes appear again.

    SIR BISCUIT IS THE ELEMENTAL OF ORDER''S THRALL COMMANDER. IT SERVES AS THE LEADER OF THE KNIGHTS AND SERVES AS THE EVER-VIGILANT RETAINER OF THE ELEMENTAL OF ORDER AND HER DOMAIN.

    IN BATTLE, SIR BISCUIT EXCELS BOTHER OFFENSIVELY AND DEFENSIVELY, DEALING MIGHT BLOWS WITH ITS GREATSWORD AND BOLSTERING THE COMBAT POWER OF NEARBY KNIGHTS. IN ADDITION, WHEN THE ELEMENTAL OF ORDER IS IN PERIL, SIR BISCUIT CAN INSTANTLY MOVE TO HER SIDE TO DEFEND HER FROM MORTAL BLOWS.

    Althea stops in front of Sir Biscuit and they stare at each other in silence for a moment. Then, she turns back to me.

    She nods. "Hero. I''m ready."

    "Sure looks like it," I hold out piece of sausage to her. "Sure you don''t want some?"

    "No, thank you." She blinks her war hammer and shield into her hands.

    I shrug, pop a piece in my mouth, and start chewing. "Suit yourself."

    I chew my jerky and wait for the sunrise in silence for a while, Althea standing beside me as still and quiet as a statue.

    While I wait,  I might as well check Althea''s stats. I close my eyes and focus. Pendant, show me Althea''s stats!

    Sure enough, the runes work their magic.

    TRUE NAME: ALTHEA

    TITLE: THE ELEMENTAL OF ORDER

    ALIGNMENT: ORDER (ESOTERIC)

    ARCHETYPE: ORDER CLERIC

    PROFICIENCIES: WISDOM, ENDURANCE, MANA

    DEFICIENCIES: STRENGTH, AGILITY, HEALTH

    SPELLS:

    RESTORE ORDER: LEVEL 1: THE CASTER CHOOSES A NEARBY AREA, UP TO A RADIUS OF 5 FEET. WITHIN THAT RADIUS, ALL LAND, STRUCTURES, OBJECTS, AND CREATURES RETURN TO THEIR ORIGINAL CONDITIONS. THE AREA IS REVERTED IN SUCH A WAY AS TO REMOVE ALL DAMAGE AND BLEMISHES. IF THE AREA CONTAINS LIVING BEINGS, THEY WILL BE HEALED OF ALL INJURIES AND AILMENTS AND RETURNED TO THEIR MOST NATURAL STATE, WITH ANY DAMAGE CAUSED BY DISEASE OR INJURY BEING REVERTED.

    BULWARK OF PRESERVATION: LEVEL 1: A TRANSLUCENT DOME OF GOLDEN-WHITE ENERGY FORMS AT THE LOCATION DESIGNATED BY THE CASTER. THE DOME PROVIDES A FAIR MAGICAL DEFENSE AGAINST PHYSICAL AND MAGICAL ATTACKS.

    HOLY PRAYER: LEVEL 1: THE CASTER PETITIONS GOD, ASKING THEM FOR THE PRIVILEGE OF TAPPING INTO VERY ESSENCE OF THE ORDER THAT SHAPES AND BINDS THE UNIVERSE. THE CREATURE THAT RECEIVES THIS SPELL''S BOON ENJOYS A FAIR ADVANTAGE IN THE PURSUIT OF THEIR MOST IMMEDIATE ENDEAVORS FOR A BRIEF TIME.

    EQUIPMENT:

    HAMMER OF JUDGEMENT: LEVEL 1: A BLUDGEONING WEAPON THAT DEALS MAGIC DAMAGE IN PROPORTION TO THE WIELDER''S WISDOM.

    MAIL AND VESTMENTS OF FAITH AND TRUTH: LEVEL 1: PROVIDES A SLIGHT BOOST TO WISDOM AND ENDURANCE, AS WELL AS LIGHT PROTECTION FROM MOST FORMS OF MAGICAL AND ENERGY-BASED DAMAGE. GRANTS THE WEARER TO THE ABILITY TO KNOW IF SOMEONE IS LYING.

    SHIELD OF MORAL VIRTUE: LEVEL 1: THIS LARGE SHIELD PROVIDES A SMALL BOON TO ENDURANCE. IT IS PHYSICALLY INDESTRUCTIBLE.

    ELEMENTAL SUMMARY: ALTHEA, THE ELEMENTAL OF ORDER, IS ONE OF THE TWO MOST FUNDAMENTAL FORCES ON ASTRAEA. TRUE TO HER NAME, SHE IS THE FOREMOST ORDER-ALIGNED ELEMENTAL, AND IS RESPONSIBLE FOR KEEPING ASTRAEA WHOLE, SAFE, AND UNCORRUPTED.

    IN COMBAT, ALTHEA''S MAGIC CAN QUICKLY REVERSE DAMAGE DEALT BY THE ENEMY, AND HER SHIELDS CAN PROTECT HER AND HER ALLIES FROM BEING HARMED IN THE FIRST PLACE. IN ADDITION, HER SHARP SENSES -BOTH MAGICAL AND MUNDANE- CAN DETECT HIDDEN DANGERS AND DECEPTIONS.

    AS THE LEADER OF ALL ORDER-ALIGNED ELEMENTALS, SHE IS ABLE TO RECRUIT AND ORGANIZE THEM EFFECTIVELY IN BATTLE.

    WARNING: AS PER THE LORD''S PROPHECY, IT IS HIGHLY INADVISABLE TO EXPOSE ALTHEA TO DANGER. THE DEATH OF THE ELEMENTAL OF ORDER WOULD MAKE VICTORY AGAINST THE INVADERS IMPOSSIBLE, RESULTING IN UNIMAGINABLE SUFFERING FOR COUNTLESS SOULS. DO NOT EXPOSE THE ELEMENTAL OF ORDER TO DANGER.

    A ray of sunlight hits me, and I open my eyes shielding them for the orange-red glow. The sun is finally beginning to rise.

    "Okay, Althea. It''s almost showtime."

    "My scouts are on full alert."

    Soon enough, the sun cracks properly above the horizon. I crack my knuckles and pop my neck. "Finally gonna see some real action."

    If you spot this story on Amazon, know that it has been stolen. Report the violation.

    Althea tenses and readies her hammer and shield. "My scouts have spotted something moving in on us from the east; I advise we advance on the enemy now."

    I stop stretching. "We? No, no, no. We already discussed this: you and your guys are gonna hang back here and pick off the stragglers while I go and clean house."

    "I agreed to no such thing. It would not be right for me to stand by and let you fight the forces of Chaos alone."

    "No, you''re vulnerable right now and we gotta save the Knights for Zazel''s place!"

    "That is not acceptable. I would fight alongside you. If you are wounded-"

    "I''m gonna handle this," I push past the Knights and Althea trails me stubbornly. The Knights make way for the two of you and while not breaking formation too much.

    "Hero! Don''t go rushing in like this! You-"

    "Look, I said stay back! I need you and your dudes to pick off the stragglers."

    "Hero-"

    I swing around halfway. "Goddamnit, Althea! I don''t want you getting hurt!"

    She relents, stopping in place, but her stoic face cracks with a hint of resentment. "Very well, Hero."

    "Keep yourself safe and kill freaks any that come your way!"

    I blast forward towards the incoming horde of Butt Ugly Spawn. I crush it at breakneck speed, leaving Althea and the Knights far behind in seconds. I''m like a tank with legs and I bulldoze the air as I charge across the grassy plain the wave of Spawn.

    As I get closer to them, I lose a bit of enthusiasm; they''re just so gross. The little shits look like a bunch of waist-high lumpy piles of black puke, with a bunch of different limbs, appendages, and some other weird-ass features sprouting out of their bodies. They only thing they have in common is a random number of amber-colored, fish-like eyes and their wet, goopy bodies.

    That shit''s gonna get all over me.

    At a certain point, they all seem to lock on to me at once and their bodies begin to shift and transform wildly into different shapes as they speed up their bouncing, sliding, and sloshing.

    Then, they start revealing a bunch of yellowish bone-like things hidden inside them. Some have claws, some have teeth, others have both, or none. A few have weird, long spear like pig-stickers or fat, spiky tails, hooks, and all kinds of other wild shit; it seems they''re all competing to see which one can come up with the nastiest body part to hurt me with.

    I blitz into like a tank driving into a landside and weave through the mass of enemies while letting loose a series of devastating punches that defy the laws of physics. Each punch I throw seems to shatter the sound barrier with a sonic boom, causing a shockwave that disrupts the formation of the swarm and sends them scattering in all directions.

    My fists are a blur of speed and power, and the sheer force behind each blow is enough to explode their little tar-like forms in to hundreds of drops of whatever the hell they are made of.

    As I continue to demolish the spawn, I find myself lost in a trance-like state, as if I''m not controlling my own actions. My punches become even more powerful, and I can feel the adrenaline surging through my veins. Even the blows that don''t connect completely seem to push and blast the ugly freaks around.

    "Die, you nasty little fuckers!"

    But for every disgusting little bastard I kill, two more show up to take its place. They keep coming at me from all sides, and soon I find myself surrounded by a growing sea of tar.

    With no way out, I stop moving and focus on strikes completely, punching faster and harder than ever before. It''s as if the world has slowed down around me, and all I can see is a wall of enemies rushing towards me and a stream of fists flowing out from me. I feel like I''m fighting an endless torrent of tar and shit, and my wall of fists is the dam keeping them at bay, but even the mightiest dams have limits.

    I punch and punch and punch, sending chunks of Spawn splashing and flying in all directions. I feel a dozen of them slopping and sticking onto my arms, legs, and back, trying to pin me down and overtake me. But I push back with all my might, my fists connecting with Spawn, one after another, but it is not enough. They bite at me with their ugly yellowed teeth, claws, and other crazy appendages. And it starts to hurt.

    "AH! Get the fuck off me!"

    I feel Spawn after Spawn slashing and biting at my road leathers from every angle, trying to penetrate my duds and find my sweet, sweet flesh.

    "Fuck off!"

    My fists are like blurs, and I punish Spawn left and right, but some break through grab on to my arms and legs. They sink their ugly ass teeth and claws into me, trying to tear and bite me to shreds. I try to resist by pulling them off, but they are relentless, and stopping my assault to grab them only allows more to latch on to me.

    "AGH!" I growl in pain as I feel their teeth and claws cutting into my flesh. "Get bent, you little shits!"

    I grit my teeth and push on, punching, stomping, and flinging Spawn off of me left and right, but there are just too many of them. I feel like I''m really losing momentum, and the endless Spawn continue to swarm around me, slashing, biting, stabbing, clubbing, and clawing at every little soft spot they can find.

    "AHH! Motherfuckers! SHIT!" I begin to get tunnel vision and I feel myself losing control. I can''t believe these little shitstains are pushing me this far!

    I know I have to use it, but I''m still not sure how. I think hard and try to mentally reach out to the power inside me.

    "AHHH!" Another bite. A deep one. My focus breaks and gives way to frustration as my pain intensifies.

    Then, I feel a little shift deep in my chest, like a tiny fifth limb hidden somewhere inside my core. There''s a sensation like a little volcanic eruption, and a well of energy overflows and bursts out from some secret place deep inside me, filling my body to the brim with an unbelievable amount of power.

    "YEAH! COME GET SOME!"

    My fists begin to glow with a fiery light, and I start throwing punches in every direction again, only this time, they are much stronger, and they explode like bombs upon impact with the Spawn. Each punch sends the big turds splattering in every direction, and even those that I don''t hit directly explode from the sheer force.

    I feel like a living artillery cannon, and I rain down blows that devastate the horde around me, each explosion rupturing Spawn like overstuffed bags of garbage and sending huge bursts of earth high above the fray.

    The Spawn begin to scatter, their numbers finally going down.

    "Don''t piss me off!"

    I tense my muscles and take several deep breaths as I prepare to unleash a final barrage of punches. The dozen or so nasty, gross-ass leftovers start to hop and slide away from me as fast as they can, but it''s far, far too late.

    "ARRGH! GET THE FUCK OUTTA HERE, ZAZEL!"

    I unleash all hell on the vile shitstains, pummeling them to paste with my enhanced, explosive punches. I give it everything I''ve got and then some, my fists becoming a flurry of blazing blows as I hammer and mow down the last of the Spawn, leaving nothing behind but a charred crater littered with bits and pieces of gunk.

    As the air clears, I stand triumphantly, my chest heaving. "Damn, that felt good!"

    Althea and her Knights come clanking over, running with her warhammer and giant shield in hand. "Hero!"

    "Hey! I though I told you-"

    "Your rear! It''s on your rear!"

    "Eh?" I crane my neck around, and I see it: a big, nasty, bloodthirsty Spawn thing clinging onto the back of my jeans, and before I can do anything, it chomps down on my tender, juicy glutes.

    "Motherfucker!" I spin around and snatch the little shit, and it tears off a bit of my pants as I pull it off.

    I hold the thing up to my face with an iron grip and give it a mean, junkyard dog look as I glare at it over the top of my shades. "You and me are gonna have a little chit-chat about your behavior when I come over. But first, I wanna congratulate your little freak on becoming Astraea''s very first astronaut."

    I twist my body and crank my arm back as far as physically possible, my muscles straining. I take aim at a distant cloud, and I throw the bastard as hard as I can with a triumphant shout. The Spawn shoots into the sky like a ballistic missile, going supersonic as it rockets out of sight.

    "Sayonara, asshole."

    I do a quick check for more spawn, but there''s nothing but, black jelly, burnt craters and smoking earth. Finally, I feel my power fade and my heartbeat and breathing go back to normal as Althea and the Knights make it over.

    "Well... Well done, Hero," She blinks away her shield and hammer as she walks up to me. "I was not aware that you were capable of such a display."

    "Tsk," I tap my foot and look away. "I thought I told you to keep back."

    "I believed you were in danger when you hadn''t noticed the Thrall on your flank, and thus I decided to come to your aid."

    "I wasn''t in any danger," I shake my head. "Look, are you gonna listen to me, or not? ''Cause I''m pretty sure you said its your duty to obey me or whatever."

    Her face sours slightly. "I have already explained this at length. Although it is God''s will that I serve you, my primary obligation is to ensure the order of Astraea."

    I huff. "So what?"

    "With all due respect, Hero, this should not be difficult to understand. According to His conditions for victory, your death would doom our world, and as the Elemental of Order, I cannot allow that, even if it means disobeying you."

    I raise an eyebrow at her. "And what about you? What if the enemy tries to trick you into coming out into the open or something?"

    Her forehead creases. "I do not know what I have done to make you think I am a fool, but I can assure you I would not fall for such a tactic easily."

    "I didn''t say you were- Ow!" I feel a quick, sharp little pain in my abs. I look down, and sure enough, I see a few wounds that haven''t quite healed yet.

    Althea''s eyes dart straight to your torso. "So you are wounded," she touches her cheek as she leans in to get a look. "These are very ugly wounds. I should use my magic."

    "It''s nothing."

    "Please do not be so obstinate! You have several wounds; I would use my magic to heal you before infection sets in."

    "No, seriously, I''m fine," I lift back my jacket a bit to reveal my bloody and torn black muscle shirt. There is a very faint, fleshy sizzle as my bites, scratches, and stab wounds slowly begin to close themselves.

    Althea stares. "Your wounds..."

    I let out a deep, deep sigh. "Son of a bitch, dude."

    "What is it?"

    "Wounds heal, but clothes don''t!" I growl and gesture at my gear. "How am I supposed to fix my duds in a world with no tailors!?"

    Althea blinks. "Surely that cannot be what troubles you most at this moment."

    "This is serious! At this rate, I''ll be fighting off the invasion naked! How am I supposed save the world with my junk flopping around?"

    "I believe I can prevent that from happening."

    "How''s that?"

    She puts her hands together in prayer. After whispering some strange-sounding words, she raises her right hand. "Restore Order!"

    I begin to glow with a gentle golden aura. In moments, I see the remainder of my injuries heal and my clothes begin to mend themselves, stitching themselves back together, leaving no sign of any damage behind.

    "Huh, thought that was only for-" I look myself over quickly, checking for any remaining rips or holes, then I smile and nod. "Anyways, thanks. You''re amazing."

    She pauses and looks me in the eye for moment before nodding politely. "Your praise means much to me, Hero. Though, I prefer preventing harm over reversing it."

    "Yeah, yeah."

    "Hero, please," her voice is a bit gentler. "You are powerful and durable; that is certain. Even so, you are not invincible and you cannot be everywhere at once. Even you will be at a disadvantage when fighting great numbers of enemies. Your chances- our chances- of survival are greater if we work and fight-"

    "Ugh, will you stop fussing? I''m not gonna die!"

    She folds her arms. "Hubris is not becoming of a Hero. How can you be so reckless with your life given everything that is at stake?"

    "I ain''t being reckless!"

    "You charged the Elemental of Chaos'' Thralls without aid or even-"

    "Look, I can''t die, okay!? It''s not risking my life if they can''t kill me."

    She cocks her head. "What?"

    "Listen, trying to explain it is gonna give me a headache, but basically, I have a bunch of powers that make me very, very hard to kill. I could''ve shown you, but you healed me."

    "I... I see. I even so, I think it would be prudent to-"

    "Look I''m the Hero. I''m the one who leads the way. I''m the one who takes the hits. I''m the one who does the self-sacrifice bullshit. I can handle that. You can''t. Even just one of those Spawn could have taken you out if you got unlucky."

    Her face tightens. "Even if you are resistant to mortal injury, there is no telling what kind of strategy the enemy may employ. We need to work closely to ensure we can-"

    "Listen, maybe I ain''t as smart as you, but I ain''t stupid. I''m never going to do anything that I think will put you, Zazel, or this world at risk. I want to keep everything and everyone safe so bad it hurts. And it does hurt. A lot. Those Society fuckwits are going invade this world, but they''ve already ruined mine," I ball my fists and take a deep breath. "You know, I struggled for years to get what little I had, and they stole everything they could and destroyed everything else. My girlfriend, my home, my-"

    A knot suddenly forms in my throat, and a fire begins to rise up from my chest. I swallow them both. "Listen I promise you, Althea, that I will give my all to protect you, Zazel, and all the other Elementals. And I''ll crush any Limp Dick Society wackjob that sets even one fucking toe in Astraea!"

    She doesn''t say a word, and I''m almost a little worried until she turns back to me with her usual unreadable face. "I must apologize," she finally says. "I believe I may have misjudged you."

    I sigh and shrug. "It''s cool, I guess. But until you get more of your power back, you gotta play it safe."

    She goes silent for a long time, then she bows. "Very well, Hero. I will put my faith in you for now. But there is something I do not understand."

    "What?"

    "If you knew you had such powerful endurance, why did you not tell me from the beginning?"

    It''s a fair question, and I''m not sure how to answer it.

    "Hero?"

    "I dunno. It didn''t cross my mind for some reason."

    She runs a hand through her hair and takes a deep breath. "We have been through though a fair number of significant event in such a short amount of time, so I suppose oversights are inevitable. At any rate, I suggest we shift our focus back to the upcoming mission."

    "For sure," I nod and pat her on the shoulder. " And Zazel''s got a lot to answer for after that sneaky little bite in the ass."

 Zazel and Bubs Funhouse

    Althea, the Knights, and I roll up on the Elemental of Chaos'' fortress as the sun begins to set, casting long shadows across the ground. The sky is a dull orange, and the wind whips up dust and debris. The huge jet black walls are so dark that they seem to eat the light, and they are bending and twisting like metal lightning. They have a mixture of sharp angles and smooth curves, as if they were molded from clay and then hardened into stone. There is no mighty keep or tower here, just those wicked, winding ramparts with their enormous gates left wide open.

    "At least Zazel was kind enough to leave the front door open," I turn to Althea, who wears a sliver of concern on her mostly cool face. "We''re almost there. You good to go?"

    She nods without saying anything, so I giver her and the Knights my best "okay, let''s do this" expression and take them straight into the compound. The vast, earthy courtyard is completely devoid of life, but there''s plenty of trash: tons of broken booze bottles, old bits of moldy food, a bunch of broken furniture, and a few busted sex toys are scattered about.

    I smile and nod with approval. "Zazel sure knows how to party."

    "Please be on your guard," Althea scans the area, hammer and shield gripped tight. "Any one of these artifacts could be a part of one her devious traps."

    I chuckle. "Yeah, beware the booby-trapped Dildo of Doom!"

    "Please take this seriously. She is the very incarnation of chaos and nothing in her domain can be ruled out as innocuous."

    "Even rubber dongs?"

    "Enough, Hero. We must still find a way to gain entry," she tilts her war hammer forward. "I suppose that is the entrance."

    On the ground, near the back of the courtyard is a super wide square platform made of the same black metal as the walls of the compound.

    I nod. "You stay here and I''ll-"

    A powerful metallic shriek breaks out as the platform cracks in half and opens like a giant iron book. The two halves fall to the ground, creating a huge, thundering noise that sounds like two freight trains were dropped from the sky. There''s a cloud of dust left behind when everything settles, revealing a dark hole with an eerie dark purple light radiating from somewhere deep within.

    The wind blows through my hair as I smile. "Neat. I''ll go in first, and I''ll call you when the coast is clear."

    Althea nods. "Very well. Though, I would prefer to stay by your side."

    "Yo, we talked about this. It was risky enough to bring you even just this far."

    "I have not forgotten our discussion. But even you must exercise caution against an Unreleased Elemental, especially one as foul and devious as this one."

    "I''ll be fine. I can''t die, remember?"

    "I have not forgotten that, either," she calmly plants the butt of her war hammer into the ground. "However, it is worth bearing in mind that there are fates worse than death."

    "Wow, try not to sound so encouraging. Anyway, I''ll holler for you when I''ve cleared it out. Stay close to the Knights."

    She nods and I make my way down the creepy, cavernous stairway to the first chamber. The air is damp and cool one moment, then hot and dry the next, and the blue light down becomes green, then red, then white, then back to blue. My senses start to feel a little out of whack, and I feel like I''m entering the home of some unhinged horror movie director, and the feeling only gets more intense the deeper I go.

    I finally hit the landing and check the first chamber from behind the threshold, moving my head a bit from side to side a couple of times before stepping in. The entire place is dimly lit and decorated in a very colorful, yet sinister style, with nonsensical paintings, statues, and furniture that all look like they belong in a horror movie, yet there is a shit ton of brightly-colored paints all over everything. It''s like a hall in a creepy medieval castle that got vandalized by a bunch of kindergartners on a sugar high. I also spot the stairwell on the other side, and more garbage, but no Spawn.

    Where the hell are they? I check every inch of the weird, dark room for spawn like a detective dusting for fingerprints. After a good couple of minutes, I feel satisfied enough to call Althea and the Knights down.

    Althea comes down with Sir Biscuit and the Knights following closely behind in a tight, lockstep fashion. Their metallic armor clangs together, creating at machine-like crunching that grows louder and louder. In rows of four, the Knights flow down from above like a slow stream of platinum syrup, spreading out in an orderly fashion at the landing. They only stop marching when they finally get the idea that all one hundred of them won''t be able to fill the room.

    I scratch my head. "Althea, I don''t think all your dudes are gonna fit down here."

    "I am aware. I will ensure they are able to follow without obstructing us or each other."

    "Alright. Anyways, I''m about to make your dreams come true: you''re up front with me."

    She blinks. "Very good, Hero. I will do my best to meet your expectations."

    "Ha! You know how to talk to a man," I point back with my thumb. "There''s a maze down there, I''m pretty sure. Can you sense Zazel from here?"

    "Her presence is everywhere; it is as though I am submerged in a fetid pond."

    "Gross. But you can more or less sense exactly where she is, right?"

    "Unmistakably."

    "Good. You get to play bloodhound for a bit and help me get through that maze."

    "Bloodhound?"

    "Nevermind. Just be my navigator. But stay behind me, yeah?"

    "Yes. I will be your guiding light."

    "Let''s move."

    We make our way down to the second level, and my eyes are assaulted by all the lights and colors on the way. The little glowing spheres that light the stairwell flicker, fade, and flash pretty much randomly while changing colors, and the walls look like something straight out of the mother of all acid trips. Here and there, we see weirdly-shaped doorways leading into different kinds of messed up chambers.

    I stop after passing a door that''s shaped like a leg of fried chicken. "Yo, you sure we don''t need to check any of these?"

    Althea stops, looks inside the chicken room, which is neon pink and full of milky white bubbles, and nods. "They are irrelevant distractions. We must go deeper to reach her. "

    We travel down even more stairs, Sir Biscuit and other Knights streaming down single file not far behind. Eventually, we land in a short corridor that breaks off into a seemingly endless maze of twisting and turning passages. We see all kinds of insane rooms, each with different features. It''s like the place is all some huge contest by an army of batshit crazy architects to see who can make up the most confusing possible room.

    One chamber is totally empty except for the ceiling, which looks like someone let a million toddlers loose in a paint shop, and another has something that looks like a mashup between a giant video game system and a pinball machine with a billion flashing lights, buttons, and levers. There''s even a featureless bright white room with a little black box in the middle that whispers indecipherable nonsense when we get close to it.

    As we continue to explore, we discover rooms with bizarre clown logic architecture. One room has an illuminated pink ceiling made of clear glass with metal balls rolling across it , while another has a floor that is completely submerged in an ankle-deep layer of purple jelly. In yet another room, the walls are made entirely of mirrors, and I can see myself reflected endlessly in their shiny surfaces.

    Things only get worse as we go deeper. Walls break apart, meld together, turn inside out, or just plain disappear while the lights and floors shift colors, flicker, and buzz on and off. Entrances and halls appear out of nowhere, and others vanish. Even the air lacks consistency; it is foul and earthy in one place and sweet and warm in another. One corridor smells like pasta, another like wood, and another like cigarettes.

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    Basically, everything is totally fucked up and I''m pretty sure my sense of reality is going to suffer some permanent damage after all this, as if it wasn''t already enough to be in some fever dream of an alien world punching piles of shit while getting henpecked by a magic priestess.

    To Althea''s credit, though, she sees through all the bullshit and doesn''t make a single error as she navigates behind me, even as the place cranks the crazy dial up to eleven. We have to wait a couple of minutes for a passageway to reappear, and there is one place where we have to knock down a giant tube full of bouncy balls to unblock an entrance, but it''s pretty smooth sailing considering every place we step into tries its hardest to reality on its head.

    As we pass a room filled with neon green liquid and strange mushrooms, things start to become a little bit more normal and I see a long, relatively ordinary-looking passage with a faint dark blue light at the end.

    I look back to Althea. "You stay here."

    She hesitates before nodding. "Be vigilant. I sense an unusual amount of mana coalesced in there."

    "Everything is unusual in this place."

    I head down the long, narrow hall and roll up to the big chamber at the end. It''s a big round room with a domed, arched ceiling about eight meters high. There are columns arranged in a circle that supports the roof, and they are made of black stone that glistens in the dark blue light. At the center of the room is a wide raised platform about half a meter high.

    Slopped on top of it is a huge, towering, ugly blob that thinks its real fucking clever, sitting still as a statue and pretending not to be the nastiest pile of shit ever.

    I close my eyes. Pendant! Give me some info on this butt ugly bastard!

    The runes fade in.

    PRECIOUS IS THE THRALL COMMANDER THAT SERVES UNDER THE ELEMENTAL OF CHAOS. IT IS COMPRISED OF ORDINARY THRALLS, WHICH COALESCE TOGETHER. WITH EACH THRALL THAT FUSES WITH IT, IT GROWS IN MASS AND POWER.

    IN BATTLE, IT IS VERY OFFENSIVELY CAPABLE, BUT NOT PARTICULARLY RESILIENT, DESPITE ITS REGENERATIVE ABILITIES. IT ENHANCES ITS ATTACK POWER WITH CALCIFIED CLAWS, TEETH, AND SPIKES, WHICH ARE CONCEALED INSIDE ITS BODY.

    I open my eyes. It still as a statue, and it seems totally convinced that its well hidden and that his ambush is totally gonna work.

    Oh, you must think I''m stupid, I crack my knuckles. But you ain''t seen stupid yet.

    I focus feel around for that little source of power inside me again, but the Butt Ugly Bastard decides just then to make its move. It spins and strikes at me sideways with a massive whip of an limb. The nasty tentacle smacks me hard as hell and I go flying back. I tumble along the hard floor of the chamber until I hit the wall.

    I growl real loud and crack the floor with my fist. "Sonuva bitch!" I stand back up, fists clenched hard as hell.

    The freak as its hundreds of fish-like eyes bubble up and lock onto me. The Big Ugly Bastard is like big pile of cowshit mixed with tar and puke. It''s pretty much a Spawn, but bigger, uglier, and smellier. Its huge pile of a body is a twisted mass of black goop, flesh, and bone, with long arms and legs that end in razor-sharp claws and its giant, gaping mouth could swallow a horse whole. From beneath its tar-like body emerges a bunch of brownish yellow bones, claws, teeth, and other dangerous-looking things. It stares at me silently, its body sloshing and bubbling deeply as it starts lurch at me.

    Pop my neck and spit. "Damn, you''re ugly!"

    As I get ready to bull rush the monstrosity, I hear a storm of metal rushing toward me from behind. I twist around to see Sir Biscuit and a detachment of Knights rush in like a blast of steel wind. Swords and shields in hand, the brave suits of shining metal armor rush past me attack Bub like a bunch of starving dogs on a rack of ribs. Their blades slice through its tar-like hide and sending gobs of dark slime flying all over the chamber.

    "Hey, I told you to stay back! I got this!"

    Bub responds with a powerful swipe of its razor-sharp claws, sending a Knight sailing across the room, followed by another, and another. The metal warriors keep up the assault, but the fecal monster doesn''t back down.

    "FOR ORDER!!" Sir Biscuit leaps into the air from behind me, swinging his blade down on Bub''s head with a mighty battle cry. But the monster is quicker than it looks and catches the Knight''s sword in midair with a snap of a tentacle. It whips the metal warrior around and throws him against the far wall of the chamber and immediately goes back to whipping, stabbing, and beating the the shit out of the rest of the Knights.

    I sigh and shake my head. "Don''t blame me if you get your asses kicked!"

    As I pause to dip into my power, the Knights regroup and form a wall, locking their metal shields together and fending off the noodly blows, slashing claws, and pointy stikes as the monster closes in with its massive sloppy, snapping maw. It looks like its going to chew through the wall of metal warriors.

    "Not happening, asswipe!" I flip my switch and get a rush of that sweet, sweet Hero power and charge headlong at the Butt Ugly Bastard again. The power surge bursts inside me and quickly concentrates itself in my right fist; it makes me feel like I can punch through a mountain.

    Still, Bub is smarter than it looks; the turd knows it''s about to get flushed. In a flash, it whips out with a spiny tentacle, but misses by a mile, apparently distracted by Sir Biscuit and his huge sword coming back for round two.

    "Nice fucking try!" I cock my fist back hard and I rush toward the fray. I leap like a tiger over the cluster of Knights punch Bub as hard as I fucking can. My fist connects, and the power of the punch pops Bub like a massive zit, scattering his black goo like buckshot in all directions. A shockwave bursts out at the same time, and it ripples through the air, knocks the Knights to the ground, and makes me go damned near deaf.

    As I recover, I keep my eyes on Bub.

    He doesn''t move.

    "Yeah, bitch!" I shoot my fists into the air, sending chunks of Bub flying off my jacket. "Who''s the fuckin'' man!?"

    A slimy Sir Biscuit raises his blackened blade high into the air. "PRAISE THE HERO!"

    The black speckled Knights copy their golden, Bub-stained leader: "PRAISE THE HERO!" Their metallic cheers fill the dark blue chamber.

    I pump my fists even more. "That''s right!" I puff my chest out and pace around like a cat that just caught a bird. "Praise my heroic ass!"

    Althea marches up to you, a small detachment of Knights surrounding her. "Well done, Hero."

    "Yeah, baby! I love punchin'' shit!"

    "Your enthusiasm is quite endearing, but you would do well to not lose track of where we are."

    "Yeah, yeah." I point back with my thumb to the dozen or so broken and chewed up Knights that got their asses kicked by Bub. "Just fix your guys so we can-"

    I hear something that sounds like sliding mud from the other side of the chamber and I spin around. Before I can even raise my dukes, the room rushed by a huge swarm of Butt Ugly Spawn. They slip, bounce, and slide in every direction, picking up a little piece of the Big Ugly Bastard with each disgusting movement.

    The Knights do their best to hack and slash at them as they jump and skid around, but there''s just too many of the little shit stains around to make much of a difference.

    You slide in front of Althea and her detachment. "I don''t know what the fuck they''re doing, but you need to get outta here!"

    "Hero, please!" Her Knights move aside as she steps forward. "We must work together!"

    I shake my head and I feel my face begin to get hot. "NO! IT AIN''T SAFE!" I turn and point a finger at her. "I TOLD YOU THAT YOU NEED TO-"

    I go cold as soon as I notice it. Somehow, some fucking way, the hallway where we came from is completely gone. There''s no sign whatsoever that there ever even was one. No outline, no missing bits, nothing.

    I turn and hold my arms out. "Stay behind me!"

    "You must listen! If we-"

    We notice it at the same time. The two of us watch as the nasty little monsters absorb every drop of the Butt Ugly Bastard''s remains, their goopy, sticky bodies expanding as they soak up every last trace of his scattered body as they bunch together in the middle of the room.

    I continue to cover Althea as I point at it. "The middle! Focus on the middle!"

    The Knights break from their skirmishes instantly and rush the middle, swords raised high.

    The little freaks continue to bunch together, their forms rapidly expanding, transforming, and swelling. A new, even more disgusting creature begins to takes shape: a massive, bulbous abomination with multiple sets of gnashing fangs, dripping maws, dozens of tentacles, and hundreds of sharp pointy bones.

    The Knights, who''ve already lost more than a few dudes, do their best to trim away at it. But no matter how fast or hard they hit, they can''t keep up with its out-of-control growth.

    "You gotta be shitting me."

    Then, it begins to stretch, forming two thick arms and two fat arms that look thick and heavy enough to crush a car. It is still for a second, then, all at once, it flicks its hundreds of nasty slitted yellow-amber eyes flash open all at once and the overgrown puke pile blitzes at us like a tank on legs, scattering and crushing Knights on its way over to use.

    "Althea, get ready!"

    I hear Althea''s armor and shield rattle. "Bulwark of Preservation!"

    A transparent dome of golden light flashes and surrounds us in an instant, like a bubble floating on water.

    "It will not hold!" Althea''s voice strains slightly as she braces. "You must prepare your attack!"

    I reach inside my core again for the power, but the slimy fucker is way faster now. It swings its slimy, spiky arm in a massive sweep, striking the barrier with the force of a speeding bus.

    The golden dome flashes off, and me, Althea, and her bodyguards catch serious air we go flying off in one direction like some kid''s action figures during a bad tantrum. I lose my shades and the world swirls black and blue as I spiral through the air.

    I can''t move as I hit the ground like a brick, rolling across the black, slick surface until I stop next to the side wall. My vision shakes and swims for a second and I get to my knees and shake my head, then look up: the thing is coming back for round two.

    My eyes dart back and forth, looking for Althea. She is on the ground in a crumpled heap beside one of the columns. "Shit! Althea!"

    I race over, but I stumble and freeze as I feel a powerful, sharp sensation in my abs. It''s the kind of pain that tells me something isn''t right, and as I look down, I see it: a shit ton of blood and something that looks like a pink, wet rope dangling out of me. One of that fucker''s bony little pig stickers got me good.

    I turn my attention to the looming behemoth, who is still barreling in my direction. Everything seems to slow down to a crawl and I feel myself getting really, really hot in the face. I look toward the Sir Biscuit and his guys. Biscuit is in a dozen pieces and the ones who haven''t gotten mowed down are way too weak and far too slow to keep up. Then I turn back to Althea. She''s still not moving.

    My breathing gets faster and deeper and I clench my fists. I head, my chest, and everything else begins to burn inside me. WHAT THE FUCK!? HOW CAN SHIT GET TURNED ON ITS HEAD SO GODDAMNED FAST!?

    I look back at Althea, then back at Bub. Althea, Bub. Althea, Bub. NO! NO, I AM NOT LETTING THIS HAPPEN! FUCK. THAT.

 Breaking Bub

    "Come on, you ugly son of a bitch!"

    With a huge, fiery yell, I leap at the Big Ugly Bastard, right fist high in the air and burning like the meteor that killed the dinosaurs. But as I fly, the power and heat are washed away.

    I connect with a very nice punch, and there is a big crack and a burst of black slime. Still, Bub doesn''t even flinch, even as I fly through it. I roll, snap to my feet, and spin around only to get hit by something fast and huge.

    The next thing I know, I''m embedded in a wall.

    I don''t realize how bad things are until I try to wiggle out of my impression. As soon as I brace myself, an almost impossible amount of pain shoots through my entire body, like I''ve been crushed by a steel beam and stabbed by hundreds of ice picks all at once. My throat, guts, and junk seem to want to leap out my body to stop from feeling the agony.

    I scream through my teeth as I push myself out of my shallow, vertical grave. It hurts, but the feeling doesn''t linger too long and I manage to stay on my feet.

    Breathing hard, I raise my dukes and brace myself, but Bub doesn''t come back for more. Its eyes make a sludgy sound as they blink in unison, then, slowly, it twists around and points itself toward Althea, who is still out cold.

    "DON''T YOU FUCKING DARE!" I ignore the tearing pain that rips though me as I pick up a fat shard of wall and launch it at the bastard. "COME BACK AND FIGHT, YOU PIECE OF SHIT!" I cough up a little blood as I watch the big stone sink harmlessly into Bub''s huge, moist body. It doesn''t even seem to realize I''ve hit him.

    "ZAZEL, YOU DUMB BITCH!" I cough up a little blood.

    It pauses, and its eyes blink a couple of times, ignoring the sword strikes of the straggling Knights as they catch up to him.

    "IF YOU KILL HER," I wince and swallow some blood. "ASTRAEA IS FUCKED!"

    It blinks again and goes still, like a machine that got unplugged.

    Now''s my chance! I dip deep into my core for a big dose of power. I just need one more! One more shot! Come on!

    I focus and strain, but I can''t find the trigger. Nothing.

    Dammit, dammit, DAMMIT! I keep trying to tap my power, but no dice. All I can do is watch as this overgrown pile of tar makes its way to an unconscious Althea, who has no idea her life is about to end.

    No! I can''t let this happen! How the fuck is it so strong!? Zazel had something like this up her sleeve the whole time!? Doesn''t she know she''s about to fuck everything up!? Why are my powers not working!? Why now, of all fucking times!? Come on, come on, come on!

    My whole body tenses and I grit my teeth like I''m trying to bite through an iron bar as feel myself getting hotter and hotter as my heart pounds faster than ever. My saddest and most terrible memories replay themselves in my mind''s eye: The farm, my parents, the endless, broken cities, the robots, the riots, Kris, the Liberation Society, God, Althea, Zazel, dice, and fire, fire, fire.

    I throw my head back and blast out a thunderous scream, arms held out wide. "GRRRAAAAAAHHHHH!" The air quakes with the power of my voice as an intense heat begins to surge inside me. I feel my insides being roasted as hellish crimson-orange flames erupt from deep inside me. The sight of the dark blue light of the chamber is wiped away by the power of my radiant fury. My skin, hair, and clothes burn and melt, but I accept the pain along with the rush of renewed power.

    Then, just like that, the inferno stops and the deep blue light and darkness of the room takes over again. The fire is gone, but I can still feel the renewed energy ebbing stronger than ever inside my burnt body.

    My focus returns to Bub as it crushes the last Knight underfoot and closes in on Althea like a giant, bloodthirsty gorilla.

    "DON''T YOU FUCKING IGNORE ME!" I tap my power, and it floods every last inch of me instantly. The world turns into a blur, and then Bub appears just ahead of me, its truck-sized arm raised high above. I watch Bub start bring it down on me in slow motion, and my fists of fury start pummeling the nasty fucker before it can even blink.

    "DIE, YOU PIECE OF SHIT!" I unleash absolute hell with a barrage of punches that are so goddamned fast that even I can''t see them. I punch, punch, punch, punch, punch, and punch as I blast him apart like a rapid fire missile launcher, each strike blasting off of limbs or blowing huge holes in its body.

    Even the chamber takes huge amounts of collateral damge I dig into Bub with my explosive fury. The cold iron floor cracks and pieces of the wall and ceiling fall down as I make absolutely fucking sure that there is no way in hell the gross ass monster can make a comeback.

    When my power is finally all tapped out, the whole place looks like a carpet bombed war zone, fire and black shit everywhere.

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    "And don''t come back, asshole!"

    The moment I stop to catch my breath, the sound of lightly shifting debris makes me spin around.

    "Hero," Althea''s head peers at me from underneath a huge slab of rubble. "I require your assistance."

    "Shit! Hold on!"

    I blitz over to her and she groans as I flip the slab off. Directly underneath is a crushed and broken Sir Biscuit covering Althea. I dig and sweep him off of her and Althea makes a little noise. It''s pretty obvious why: her right leg is totally crushed at the knee. Silvery white liquid flows slowly from it, pooling underneath her.

    I feel my own blood starts to run from hot to cold. "Holy shit, Althea... Your leg-"

    "I am badly wounded, but my stone is unharmed." She tries to move, but winces and makes another awful noise. "I cannot move without causing myself undue pain. I will use my magic now, so please stay close so you might benefit from it as well."

    I become aware of my own pain again. I feel like someone emptied a flamethrower on me. My hanging guts are almost touching the floor now, and my junk alternates between a dull agony and total numbness. I''ve had worse in that last department, though.

    Slowly, Althea, still prone, brings her hands together in prayer, whispering soft, strange words. Then, she thrusts her right hand forward. "Restore Order!"

    I feel the healing even before I see the golden light. It fills me with warmth as it gently repairs my burned body. I feel the inside of my body coming back together, and my charred, ragged shirt and road leathers return to mint shape. When the light fades, no one would be able to tell that I was a living furnace just a minute ago.

    Like me, Althea also gets patched up nicely. Her leg sprouts a bright, golden-yellow phantom of itself. Then, the light fades, revealing her smooth, toned white leg for a moment, before more light covers it and brings back her leggings and steel boots.

    I let out a tired breath. "So, you''re okay?"

    "I am well enough," she stands slowly. "I am more concerned about you."

    "Why?" I give myself a quick pat down and shrug. "I''m good as new; you even fixed my duds."

    "That is not what I mean."

    "Huh?" I look back down to her and her face looks even more serious than usual.

    "I am afraid that you are a great deal more wounded than I originally feared."

    "What? I''m fine."

    "Please do not feign ignorance, Hero. You cannot go on with this anger festering in your heart."

    "Festering? What the hell are you talking about?!"

    "It was clear when I first met you, and the fact of the matter is even more obvious. Indeed, you are raising your voice at me this very moment."

    "Tsk. Get off my ass," I shake my head and roll my eyes. "I won, didn''t I? Winning requires a little passion sometimes! I can''t be as cold and unfeeling as you, especially when shit is on the line like that. Y''know, you could be a little more grateful to the guy who saved your life, lady."

    Her stoic face warps slightly. "You did not save my life. It was your reckless attacks that caused the walls and roof to collapse upon me. Were it not for Sir Biscuit''s power-"

    "Yeah, well, I told you to stay back!"

    "Do not pretend as though you did not also believe the Thrall was defeated."

    "Am I really hearing this right now?"

    "Yes, you are. And hear this: your irate behavior is beginning to threaten our mission."

    "Wait, what!?" I feel my face scrunch and become hot. "You''re callin'' me out? What about the Big Ugly Bastard who sent your ass flying!?"

    "Naturally, Chaos is to blame for her actions, and you for yours," her face becomes firm again, like her voice. "You must control your anger, Hero."

    "Control my anger?"

    "Yes. And you might accomplish that by first acknowledging the very obvious truth that a potent rage is roiling deep inside you."

    "Fine," I scoff. "I was pissed, okay!? Bub knocked you out, he almost fucking killed you!"

    "I know that better than you. I also know that there is a difference between righteous anger and the incandescent wrath that nearly consumed you a moment ago."

    "Yeah, yeah," I fold my arms. "So I went a little wild. So what? Maybe I deserve to raise a little hell now and again. Maybe you would too if you got killed and God threw you into some weird, flat world with nothing more than a necklace and some shitty weapons, then slapped you on the ass and told you to go play savior."

    She takes a deep breath. "I am not particularly concerned about whether or not your rage is justified," she folds her arms. "But I am concerned about the end results of your outbursts and the effect they have on your soul."

    I click my tongue and look away. "I won, didn''t I?"

    "Hero, you must get a handle your emotions and discipline your mind. Pyrrhic victories benefit no one."

    "Peerish victory?"

    "Pyrrhic victory. A victory achieved at a cost so high that it is tantamount to defeat. Anger and rage are like a mighty bonfire, bright and powerful, but dangerous, consuming everything in their paths. This is precisely the condition to which you are subject. Without discipline, relying on this volatile and unstable power could prove to be your undoing. Our undoing."

    I hold up my hands. "Man, I don''t have time for this shit. We have Elementals to Release, an army to raise, and metric tons of ass to kick."

    Her face is cold as steel, but her eyes flicker as she stares silently at me.

    "What?"

    "Very well, Hero. I thought you would at least apologize, given how adamant you were about protecting me before, but I see that appeasing your appetite for carnage is more important to you."

    "Look, that''s not-" I sigh. "I''m sorry, okay? Just fix your dudes and help me find a way to Zazel. Can''t be far from here."

    She blinks her hammer and shield back into her hands. "Fine. But we will speak about this matter again, Hero. It cannot go unresolved."

    While I pretend to look for a way out, my mind is a speeding turbine of emotions that drowns out all my thoughts. I don''t know what I''m thinking or feeling because I''m thinking and feeling so much all at once.

    I feel a mass inside my jacket. I reach in and and pull out a fresh new pair of aviators. I put them on, and I feel a bit of peace return to me. It washes over me like a gentle stream of water, and my mind finally begins to slow down and work a little more like normal again.

    I guess Althea''s right, it''s probably a bad idea to let myself go off the rails like that. But that''s why she needs to stay back. I''m gonna need every bit of power, every drop of blood, and every strand of muscle to beat the Liberation Society, but I can''t do that if I have to worry about making friendly fire.

    Still, I need to make sure things between me and Althea don''t go too badly; I''m gonna need her help to keep Zazel from running wild.

 The Elemental of Chaos

    Althea works her magic to restore my shredded duds and salvage what she can of her defeated Knights, including Sir Biscuit. Then, like a chaos-sniffing hunting dog, she finds the way out hidden in the chamber walls. With a few solid punches from me, we finally break out of Bub''s tomb and get on with things.

    We stroll down a long, but not too crazy hallway and roll up on a huge, twisted-looking solid black gate with a bunch of garbage and other crap scattered like a dumpster exploded in front of it.

    "Yo," I stop and turn to Althea. "This is Zazel''s room. I mean, it''s gotta be, right?"

    She makes a little noise under her breath. "Without a doubt."

    "Okay, I want you to stay here. I''m worried you might set her off."

    She frowns. "Are you quite certain? There is no telling how she might try to bewitch or corrupt you."

    "If you come in there with me, she''s probably gonna lose her shit. Like you said, she''s Unreleased, so we gotta play it cool. Just leave it to me."

    She stalls a bit, then blinks her war hammer and shield away. "Very well, Hero," she bows her head and folds her hands together. "I will pray for you."

    "Don''t worry so much, its all good-"

    She begins to whisper gently, and the air begins to feel warm and breezy. Then she raises her right hand. "Holy Blessing!"

    A gentle golden-white light shines down from somewhere, covering us like a spotlight. The warmth of the light penetrates deep into my bones. It gives me a warm, cozy feeling and a slight sense that the universe favors me in some weird way.

    Althea nods, calm and determined as ever.

    I give her a thumbs up, push open the mighty doors, and walk into a pitch black room.

    The doors crash shut behind me and the ''lights'' go on. The huge room is painted in every imaginable color with strange and jarring patterns. It isn''t just the walls; even the floor and some of the furniture is painted as though whoever did it didn''t stop the paint roller after reaching the bottom.

    The are posters and pictures, some of which also got painted over, on the walls of some kind of wild abstract art. Their frames are at wild angles as though they were spun around randomly on their mounts.

    The furniture is a mismatch of different styles, and the floor is littered with an assortment of snacks, drinks, games, adult toys, and all kinds of garbage and unused creature comforts. The huge bed is unmade and covered in wrinkled sheets, and there is a pile of dirty laundry in the corner.

    The room is also filled with a variety of strange objects and artifacts that don''t look like they belong in a bedroom. There is a giant sword hanging on the wall, a small crystal ball sitting on the dresser, a statue of a dog that looks like it was made by some kid, and a bunch of large figures that look kind of like people, but all messed up and bubbly.

    It''s messy as all hell, but it''s kind of homey at the same time. It reminds me a bit of when I was living with my girlfriend, minus the color scheme. Games, shitty food, and smashing were all we had to ease the pain in those days.

    "Are you going to fight me, or did you just come here to gawk!?"

    My eyes snap to the far back wall of the party crypt. Laying sideways on a big, fancy obsidian black couch is a tan, curvy, little imp of a woman in a white strapless leotard with big jet black wavy pigtails. Her ears have lots of little black earrings and studs, and her bright pale eyes are nearly as vivid and blue as the round, shiny stone on her chest.

    I shrug. "Maybe none. Maybe both."

    I quickly switch focus to her curves; they''re everything a man could want, but more than he might be able to handle.

    She notices me checking her out. "Well, at least you have good taste!"

    Her golden boobs of ebb and jiggle a bit behind the white silky sheen of her outfit as she gets off the couch and her broad, round hips, sway and gyrate with each step as she struts toward me with cocky little smile. Her short, curvy legs, one with a footless black stocking and one without, end in bare feet with toes that have little pointy black claws, which click slightly against the hard floor with each step.

    "So, what''s up Zazel? You ready to get this shit show on the road?"

    She stops, putting a hand on her hip. "So, you already know my True Name. That has interesting implications."

    "Maybe, maybe not."

    She looks me up and down for a moment, but her smirk melts and she makes a face like she stepped in dog shit. "Oh, I see God''s favorite lickspittle regurgitated her magic on you. Anyway, what do you want?"

    "I need your help. The Liberation Society is gonna run train on this world and all our asses and we need to get in gear to fight ''em or we''re all screwed. So pack your shit and let''s hit the road!"

    "Autofellate, you absolute creature!" She reaches down and throws a half-empty bottle of who-knows-what at me like a rocket.

    It sails past my head. "Yo, I should be throwing crap at you after your freak nearly ruined-" She launches another just over my head. "Hey, knock that shit off!"

    "I''ll do what I want! This is my room!" She picks up a bag of something, cranks her arm back then stops. She looks inside, raises her eyebrows, and starts eating whatever''s inside it.

    The chamber echos with the sound of her chewing as she stares at me with a nasty, childish face.

    I fold my arms. "Come on. Seriously?"

    She sticks her tongue at me; a big, gross glob of orange-colored food hangs from her long tongue. She smacks her food a couple more times before finally swallowing. "Seriously."

    "Dude, don''t you care that your world gonna get taken over by a bunch of brainwashed assholes and death machines?"

    "No. In fact, we could use a little action around here. This world is beyond dull."

    "Okay, so what do you think you''re gonna do that''s so much better than joining up with me? It''s not like you can go anywhere."

    "I''m quite content get drunk, eat cookies, and pleasure myself as I watch the world burn, like it deserves."

    This story originates from Royal Road. Ensure the author gets the support they deserve by reading it there.

    "Wow, that''s not cool."

    "Says who!?" She throws the balled up snack wrapper at me, but she misses her shot again. "You come in here with your beastly muscles and cocky attitude and act like you know me. Who do you think you are!?"

    "I''m the Hero, obviously."

    She snorts and her lips curl. "Hero? That collar of yours doesn''t meaning anything other than you''re God''s favorite pet!"

    "Tsk, I ain''t anyone''s pet!"

    "You wouldn''t be here otherwise! You must have been very, very loyal."

    I look away. "It''s not like I chose this, but-"

    "Well, I didn''t get a choice either; I''ve been forced to fritter about alone down here for hundreds of years! And even if I could leave, there''s nothing but grass out there! God''s a bully, a tyrant, and worse yet, a total bore. I don''t care if his world gets stolen by some Liberation Society. Besides, liberation''s a good thing, isn''t it?"

    I open my mouth, but hesitate for a moment as an almost indescribable feeling comes over me. It feels kind of like I''m about to take the bull of reality by the horns in some huge, cosmic rodeo.

    "First of all," I take a few steps and point at her. "There''s hardly anything out there because you haven''t been Released yet, and we can''t get the process rolling without you."

    "Yeah, I know. And I don''t care."

    "Oh, yeah? And what do you think''s gonna happen when the Limp Dick Society gets here? You think they''re actually serious about liberation? Yeah fucking right. I know these assholes, and I know how they get off. The first thing they''re gonna do is roll right the fuck in here and force you to join them. And you''re gonna go along with it because you''re bored and wild."

    She glares at me like a little kid who was just served a piece of broccoli for desert.

    I keep going. "But then, when they realize they aren''t going to be able to take you out of here to brainwash you or control you, because you''re an Unreleased stubborn brat, they''re gonna break you down mentally and physically until every single fucking one of them gets to take a piece of your ass home in a fucking doggy bag!"

    "Don''t act like you know me!" she scowls, her eyes practically on fire. "Go lick scat, you cretin!"

    "Really?"

    "Really! Lick. Scat."

    "Oh yeah? What do you think is gonna happen then, huh?"

    She stares at me with a face more sour than a nine volt battery.

    And I stare right the fuck back.

    She holds for a good bit, but finally breaks away. The anger melts slowly from her face as she stares at the wall for a few moments.

    Then, she turns back around and her devilish bright blue eyes scan me up and down a few times. "You''re not as dumb as you look, which is really saying something considering you look like a lumpy, two-legged steak."

    She takes a few more steps over to me, one hand on her waist. "I just wish you hadn''t Released that disgusting little sycophant. She''s going to do nothing but ruin our fun."

    I shrug. "I had no choice. God said we have to have both of you in the fight or the assholes will take the cake."

    She freezes. "What?" She blinks and her eyebrows pinch together. "Your master was actually willing lower himself enough to speak to you? I need details," she snaps her fingers. "Now."

    I shrug again. "Didn''t get none. He said the three of us need to stay alive and that I need to make chaos and order balanced or something."

    "''The three of us''?"

    "Yeah. You, me, and Althea."

    She shakes her head. "So he decided to simply lump us all together to do some task for him? Resplendent."

    "Yeah, pretty much."

    She folds her arms and raises an eyebrow. "So that''s it? That''s all he told you?"

    "Yeah, that''s it."

    She starts pacing around, chewing a bit on one of her black nails and staring down at the floor.

    I hold up my palms. "What gives?"

    She keeps going a bit more, then stops and raises and eyebrow at me. "Let''s go back a little," she pokes the air in my direction. "How did you learn my True Name?"

    "What?"

    "You heard me, brisket. Answer the question."

    I push the bridge of my shades. "God told me."

    "God told you, did he?"

    "Why''s it matter, anyway?"

    She eyes me suspiciously for a few seconds, then she shakes her head. "This isn''t how it''s supposed to go."

    "What do you mean?"

    She scoffs. "You should be all slacked-jawed, awestruck, and drooling all over me right now. And I should be telling you about the Trial I devised for you, and how I will join you in some amazing journey to free all the other Elementals if you pass it."

    "So what?"

    "So, that''s the way it''s supposed to be! But instead, you walk in here totally indifferent and completely unastonished, as if you know me and you''ve done this all before. Then you tell me about how invaders from who-knows-where are going to come here and either kill or indoctrinate everyone if I don''t help you and my antithesis incarnate to fend them off."

    "Uh, okay."

    Zazel blinks and shakes her head. She looks around like she''s checking for bugs.

    "I can''t believe I''m saying this, but something is terribly wrong. Something bigger is happening, I can feel it. I don''t know what, but this isn''t how things are supposed to be."

    She turns her gaze back to me gives me a big, giddy smile. "And I love it!"

    "Huh?"

    She squeals and jumps up and down as she claps her hands. "Finally, there''s a sign that the system is breaking! I''m finally going to see some real chaos! This world will be our personal playground! And it sound like there''s gonna be a war! I can''t wait to-"

    She suddenly looks like her dad just grounded her or something.

    "What now?"

    She fold her arms. "Are you quite positive we need Order? I just know she''s going to try to tie me down and ruin my fun. Not that she can, but her attempts will be annoying all the same."

    "God was pretty damn clear that the three of us are a package deal. And I know Althea''s a bit of a sick in the mud, but she''s not so bad. ''Sides, she''s tough and her magic is good."

    Zazel makes a stink face and glares at me through narrowed eyes. "Wait, what exactly is the nature of your relationship with with that hammer-toting wench?"

    "Uh, I dunno. I guess we''re friends? Allies? War buddies?"

    Her face instantly twists into a look of sheer disgust. "Hmph. It''s time for your Trial."

    "Okay," I blink, "We don''t have a lot of time, so I guess we should just get it done over with."

    "This isn''t going to be some ordinary chore, you utter sausage. Prepare yourself."

    She spins around and stomps away to the far end of the room, stopping by something that looks like a car-sized toybox.

    "The hell are you doing?"

    "Quiet, you."

    The big iron chest is so full of crap that the lid can''t even close halfway, and the pile of junk inside it looks like an avalanche of trash that got frozen in time.

    Zazel dives in and starts digging around the huge chest like she''s diving for treasure. The pile drips garbage as she rummages and rummages, swearing under her breath occasionally until she freezes.

    She lets out a naughty little squeal as she takes out a sizable glass cylinder of super bright green liquid, which finally causes a mess of booze bottles, snack wrappers, weird sex toys, and some magical-looking doodads to come rushing to the floor like a landslide.

    She completely ignores the mess and examines the big glowing jar with a face that almost looks serious.

    I raise an eyebrow. "What does that have to do with anything?"

    "I want you," she says as she comes back over, "To drink this."

    She holds it up to me and I get a good look at it. There''s something floating in the middle.

    "Is that... A mushroom?" I take the jar and squint as I hold it up to my face for a second, then I look back at her. "Are you trying to poison me?"

    "Yes. Please drink this and die."

    I pull down my shades and stare at her.

    She grins. "This is my special mixture. If you drink the whole thing, and tell me what you see after, you will pass the trial. Assuming what you see is to my liking, of course."

    "Wait, this is gonna make me trip?"

    "It''s not going to be a mere ''trip'', fool."

    I examine the contents again. Its bright yellow-green color reminds me of nuclear waste from a cartoon or something. "Yeah, I bet."

    "No objections, then?"

    "Hm. I guess not."

    "Good. I''ll make it official," she clears her throat much louder than necessary then spreads her arms out wide and deepens her voice like she''s pretending to be a man. "Hero! Your Trial begins now! Drink this concoction, behold the subsequent visions, and iterate them to me! Should your visions be to my satisfaction, you will be deemed worthy of my esteemed company and awesome power!"

    I bring the jar even closer as I check out the weird, fat mushroom floating inside the fluid. "Do I gotta eat that, too? I don''t like mushrooms."

    "No," she drops her arms and speaks normally again. "At this point, that''s just there for, uh, texture."

    I try to pull the cap off and I hear a little crack.

    "Careful, you idiot!"

    "Yo," I hand it back. "I can''t open it without breaking it. You do it."

    "You''re such a lump." She screws the lid off and hands it back to me.

    "Whatever. Down the hatch." I upend the over-sized beaker into my mouth, shotgunning it like a beer while trying to avoid gulping down the nasty-ass mushroom.

    I feel the liquid drizzle down my throat and into my belly. It tastes surprisingly good, like a weird cocktail of berries, vodka, and ass.

    "Shit," I can feel mixture''s effects kicking in even before it''s completely drained. "I''m in for a helluva ride, I think."

    "You''re not the only one."

 Pretty Colors

    I can feel the liquid''s effects immediately, and my mind starts to warp and twist in new and strange ways. The room around me starts to shimmer and shift, and the walls and furniture seem to breathe and move.

    My eyes fall on Zazel, and I see her begin to transform. Her body starts to melt and morph, becoming a writhing mass of tentacles and flesh. Her eyes grow and expand, taking up most of her face, and her mouth stretches wide and toothy.

    I feel the mixture''s effects intensify, and I am transported to another plane of existence. I find myself floating in a vast, empty void, surrounded by stars and galaxies of all colors.

    But the stars aren''t stars, they''re eyes. They don''t look like eyes, but I know they''re eyes. It''s so obvious. People say they''re just balls of burning gas or whatever, but they''re really eyes. And the galaxies? Well, they''re just giant eyes made out of other eyes. What else could they be?

    And all these eyes, they''re watching a few people who are walking around just minding their own business. The people aren''t really doing anything interesting, but the whole universe is watching them. They walk and walk and walk and walk and walk and walk and walk forever and ever. How can they walk so much? I''d be pretty tired if I walked that much.

    Then, all the stars go dark. There''s no light at all, except a little bit coming from the people. And the people? They stop walking ''cause they don''t have any idea what the hell is going on. I would be confused, too. Like, completely.

    There''s a flash of dark purple light, and this other dude appears. He raises his hands high into the air, and there all of these colorful explosions. The blasts go on and on and on until all the people disappear. Shit sucks, man.

    The colors fade, the stars go out, and I find myself staring up at Zazel''s ceiling.

    I sit up, but everything feels heavy, like my clothes are make of metal.

    She frowns. "What? You''re done? That''s it?"

    I sit up and rub my head. "Was there supposed to be more to it than that?"

    She huffs. "Fine. Just tell me what you saw."

    I blink a few times; everything''s still a little squiggly. "Okay, okay. I, uh, saw some weird shit."

    "Such as?"

    "Like, I was in the void, and I was surrounded by stars, but they weren''t really stars, they were eyes."

    "And?"

    "And there were all these people who were walking. I don''t know where they were going, but they just walk on and on until this big dude shows up. And this guy just makes everything blow up."

    "And?"

    "That''s it. That''s all I saw."

    She puts a hand on her hip and strokes her chin for a few moments. "Hmm... Your vision was obviously a portent of doom."

    "Portent?"

    "It means ''omen'', you slab. A bad one."

    "What was it an omen of, though? I didn''t really see anything important."

    "It was one of death and destruction, clearly."

    I shake my head and hold out my hands "So, what? Are you saying we''re already fucked?"

    "I''m not saying anything of the sort. But one thing is clear."

    "What''s that?"

    "We are going to have..." She bounces and throws her arms up and her head back. "THE TIME OF OUR LIVES!"

    Before I can stand up, she leaps on me, giggling like a maniac as she tries in vain to wrap her limbs around me like a sloth.

    "Yo, chill out a minute!" I try to push her off, but she barely budges. Even though strength is probably her weakest asset, Unreleased Elementals are crazy powerful.

    "No way! You owe me more Thralls!"

    "The only thing I owe you is an ass whipping after that cheap sneak attack! Jeans don''t grow on trees!"

    "It''s not my fault you don''t pay attention to your flank, you goiter! Give me back my babies!"

    "Chill! We''ll be making more soon enough," I stand up and she finally lets go, though she still keeps up the catty look. "Consider yourself lucky ''cause we need those Butt Ugly Spawn of yours to save the world."

    Her eyes go wide and her cheeks puff up. "Butt Ugly Spawn?! Butt Ugly Spawn!?" She raises her left hand and a strange, wild energy begins to flow through the air.

    "Yo, Zazel, chill! I was just-"

    "YtinasnI fo Niamod!"

    My eyes are stung by a flash of multicolored light, and the ground becomes covered by something that looks like a liquid rainbow. Then, from out of thin air, a bunch of glowing pink and yellow chains shoot out and wrap around me in a violent whirlwind of colorful metal.

    "Hey! The fuck is this shit!?" I struggle against the chains, but they''re really goddamned tight.

    My mouth drops as Zazel''s body bursts into blue and green flames, completely enveloping her. Just as I start to wonder if she nuked herself, she bursts out cackling.

    "AHAHAHA!" She moves her fiery limbs, as if checking them out. "Resplendent! Absolutely resplendent! I''ve been on fire, but I''ve never been fire!"

    "Hey, quit fucking around and get this shit off me!"

    "No! You must pay penance for insulting and destroying my babies!"

    "Get bent, you crazy bitch! You were the one who launched a sneak attack and almost killed us with that Big Ugly Bastard- Oh, shit, wait!"

    "WHAT!? How dare you, you absolute rancid-"

    The chains vanish and I feel a strange dull pain from all over the inside of my body, like my bones are caving into themselves. Then, I get hit all over with objects laying around the room: the sword on the wall, a chair, a bunch of cans, a few random utensils and something silvery that looks suspiciously like a pair of anal beads. But instead of bouncing off of me, they sick to me like glue.

    I try to pull some of the crap off me, but it''s all stuck on pretty good. "C''mon, this is bullshit. You-"

    Zazel''s back to her regular plush self, but this time, she''s standing with her arms spread out wide as she hovers in the air on top of something that looks like a giant floating manhole cover with blue and red neon lights all over it.

    "Wee!" She laughs as she spins around and around. "Know my power, autofellator!"

    "Hey! Quit playing around! Are you going to pass-"

    "Restore Order!"

    I''m suddenly surrounded by golden light . All of the crap and junk on my body drops off me, the colors disappear, and the crazy disk thing vanishes, sending Zazel crashing down onto her ass. The light fades, and Zazel''s room is back to its regular messy and unorganized state.

    Althea rushes to me, Sir Biscuit and a bunch of Knights pouring in from the entrance behind her. "Hero! Are you unharmed?"

    "Althea, I told you to stay-"

    "Oh, you rotten, fetid set of moldy labia!" Zazel scrambles back up to her feet, her long black nails and shark-like teeth bared. "First, you cheat your way through my beautiful, elaborately designed estate, then, you and your metallic bastards slaughter my innocent little babies, and then you, apparently unsatisfied with your mass infanticide, barge into my personal chambers uninvited and ruin even more of my fun! It''s almost as if you want to die a terrible death!"

    Oh, shit. Here we go.

    Unauthorized content usage: if you discover this narrative on Amazon, report the violation.

    Althea marches forward, stoic and proud. "I will not be shamed by your depraved insults nor cowed by your empty threats, Chaos! You will show the Hero respect and you will come to Astraea''s defense! Your God demands it!"

    "Nobody tells me what to do, you pale, indoctrinated mooncalf! God can lick scat!"

    Althea''s face stays cold, but her ruby eyes begin to flicker and burn. "How dare you speak of our creator in such a manner! You owe Him everything you filthy, ungrateful, disobedient villain!"

    "God can lick scat! God can lick scat!"

    "If you do not cease your blasphemy, I will have little choice but to silence you myself!"

    "Ha! You think you can make me do anything, you pale little blister? You''re the weakest you''ve ever been, Order. Had I used a stronger spell, you wouldn''t have been able to-"

    "Unreleased or not, I will make you kneel if you-"

    "God can lick scat, and so can you! You can lick it, suck it, chew it all day, every day until the end of time!" Zazel begins to make these long, deep nasty licking and sucking sounds.

    Althea clutches her war hammer with an iron grip, her fist shaking. "Hero, I cannot endure this much longer."

    "Lick scat, lick scat, lick-"

    "Chaos, you will regret ever-"

    They start to stomp toward each other and I step between them.

    "Whoa, hey!" I wave my hands. "Yo, everybody just chill the fuck out for a minute!"

    They stop in their tracks. Zazel raises an eyebrow and gives me a you''re-such-a-dumb-fuck look and Althea stares at me like a disappointed parent looks at their misbehaving child.

    I turn to Althea. "It''s cool Althea, I''ve got this."

    "Hero, I simply cannot-"

    "Look, I just finished the trial. So chill and go wait outside."

    Althea looks at me, then to Zazel, then back to me and takes a deep breath through her nose. "Very well, Hero. I will entrust you with this... Situation."

    "Good. I''ll be out in a minute."

    She nods and assesses me and Zazel a bit more before finally around and marches out, Sir Biscuit and the other Knight following lockstep close behind.

    The huge metal door slams shut, and I turn back to Zazel, who has her arms crossed and her nose turned up.

    "Okay, Zazel," I push my shade up, "enough with the magic and the shit talk. I drank your little mixture and I told you about my trip. Do I pass or not?"

    "Do you pass or not? Well, let me think..." She strokes her chin for a moment. "Yes. You have been found worthy of my companionship and awesome powers, even though you''re nothing more a big, ugly, rude dolt who breaks into people''s homes and kills their babies."

    "Wow, thanks."

    She shrugs. "But I have to admit that you and this whole scenario are the most interesting things that have happened since God locked me up in here."

    "Yeah, I bet. Must suck to be locked up one place for centuries."

    "A prospect that''s made even worse by fact that the zealot gets to run around free while I stagnate. So, Release me, you roast."

    "Finally. But, uh, don''t you have to say the thing first?"

    She lets out a huge sigh. "Ugh. Yes, I suppose I must do ''the thing''."

    She raises her left hand lazily and lets out another sigh. "I, the Elemental of Chaos, recognize God''s Divine Favor of the Hero and acknowledge his right to be Judged."

    A wild, violent energy flows through the air, blowing and whipping around the junk and garbage in the chamber.

    She rolls her eyes. "In accordance with the Divine Pact between God, Elementals, and Heroes, I hereby declare that the Hero is Judged Worthy to participate in the Ritual of Release."

    Then the wind stops and the room becomes still again.

    Zazel relaxes and gives me a look. The look. "Prepare yourself, Hero. Once I''m free, the paradigm of this world will never be the same."

    <hr>

    After the Ritual, I take a moment to check Zazel''s stats.

    Pendant! Show me Zazel''s stats!

    TRUE NAME: ZAZEL

    TITLE: THE ELEMENTAL OF CHAOS

    ALIGNMENT: CHAOS (ESOTERIC)

    ARCHETYPE: CHAOS WITCH

    PROFICIENCIES: INTELLIGENCE, CHARISMA, MANA

    DEFICIENCIES: STRENGTH, ENDURANCE, HEALTH

    SPELLS:

    EVOKE CHAOS: LEVEL 1: THE CASTER CHANNELS THE FORCES OF MAGICAL ENTROPY, THEN UNLEASHES A RANDOM SPELL IMBUED WITH A RANDOM MAGICAL OR MATERIAL ELEMENT. THE CASTER INSTINCTIVELY PERFORMS WHATEVER VERBAL OR SOMATIC ELEMENTS THE SPELL REQUIRES, AND IF THE SPELL REQUIRES THE SELECTION OF A TARGET, THE CASTER WILL BE ABLE TO CHOOSE BEFORE CASTING. POTENCY AND EFFECTS OF ANY SPELL CAST IN THIS WAY RANGE FROM UTTERLY BENIGN TO SOMEWHAT POWERFUL.

    DOMAIN OF INSANITY: LEVEL 1: THE CASTER DESIGNATES A SINGLE POINT IN SPACE, CREATING A FIELD OF MAGICAL CHAOS WITH A MAXIMUM RADIUS OF 15 FEET. NON-ALLIED CREATURES WITHIN THE FIELD WHEN IT MATERIALIZES WILL BE EXPOSED TO A RANDOM MAGICAL EFFECT. THOSE WHO LINGER IN THE FIELD MAY BE EXPOSED TO MORE RANDOM MAGICAL EFFECTS.

    ENTROPIC CURSE: LEVEL 1: THE CASTER DESIGNATES A CREATURE. UPON DOING SO, THE TARGET BECOMES SUBJECT TO A FAIR AMOUNT OF ENTROPY, RESULTING IN THE CREATURE EXPERIENCING A BRIEF STREAM OF NEGATIVE, UNLUCKY EVENTS, WHICH MAY OR MAY NOT RESULT IN THE FAILURE OF THEIR MOST IMMEDIATE OBJECTIVE.

    EQUIPMENT:

    SWORD OF SKEPTICISM: LEVEL 1: SLASHING WEAPON THAT DOES MAGICAL DAMAGE IN PROPORTION TO THE USER''S INTELLIGENCE. IN ADDITION TO ANY DAMAGE SUFFERED, CREATURES AND OBJECTS STRUCK WITH THE BLADE MAY EXPERIENCE A CHAOTIC EFFECT SIMILAR TO THAT CAUSED BY DOMAIN OF INSANITY, BUT MUCH WEAKER.

    BUSTIER OF FREEDOM: LEVEL 1: PROVIDES A SLIGHT BOON TO CHARISMA AND INTELLIGENCE, LIGHT RESISTANCE TO MAGICAL DAMAGE, ENERGY DAMAGE, AND ATTACKS THAT BIND OR OTHERWISE RESTRICT MOVEMENT. GRANTS THE WEARER ACCESS TO A POCKED DIMENSION WHERE A SMALL NUMBER OF ITEMS CAN BE STORED.

    ANARCHIUM ACCESSORIES: LEVEL 1: GRANTS A SLIGHT CHANCE TO ADD AN ADDITIONAL RANDOM MAGICAL EFFECT TO ANY SPELL CAST, SIMILAR TO THOSE THAT CAN BE CAUSED BY EVOKE CHAOS.

    ELEMENTAL SUMMARY: ZAZEL, THE ELEMENTAL OF CHAOS, IS ONE OF THE TWO MOST FUNDAMENTAL FORCES ON ASTRAEA. DESPITE HER DISTASTE FOR HIERARCHIES, HER POSITION AS THE SUPERIOR OF ALL CHAOS-ALIGNED ELEMENTALS MAKES HER A VALUABLE ASSET IN COMBAT AND IN RECRUITING OTHER CHAOS-ALIGNED ELEMENTALS.

    THE ELEMENTAL OF CHAOS PUTS A VERY HEAVY AMOUNT OF EMPHASIS ON FREEDOM, AND STRIVES TO ENSURE THAT ASTRAEA REMAINS FREE FROM OPPRESSION AND TYRANNY.

    IN COMBAT, ZAZEL''S SPELLS ARE HIGHLY DANGEROUS AND UNPREDICTABLE, TO ALLY AND ENEMY ALIKE. HOWEVER, THE WILD NATURE OF HER ABILITIES ALLOWS HER TO DISRUPT ENEMIES AND BYPASS TRADITIONAL DEFENSES WHERE ORDINARY ATTACKS AND STRATEGIES MIGHT FAIL.

    WARNING: AS PER THE LORD''S PROPHECY, IT IS HIGHLY INADVISABLE TO EXPOSE ZAZEL TO DANGER. THE DEATH OF THE ELEMENTAL OF CHAOS WOULD MAKE VICTORY AGAINST THE INVADERS IMPOSSIBLE, RESULTING IN UNIMAGINABLE SUFFERING FOR COUNTLESS SOULS. DO NOT EXPOSE THE ELEMENTAL OF CHAOS TO DANGER.

    "What are you doing, egg!? Let''s go!"

    I open my eyes. "Yeah, yeah."

    I push open Zazel''s big iron doors and I''m greeted by the sight of Sir Biscuit and the fifty or so salvaged Knights. In unison, they all turn to me, stand at attention, and slam their right fists into their chests.

    I nod and purse my lips. "Yeah, now that''s what I call respect!" I flex my biceps a bit. "I''m the Hero, baby! Praise me! Worship me!"

    "Oh, Order. Must you fellate him at every turn?" Zazel makes her way out of her room, closing the giant doors behind her with a wave of her hand. "He already does it perfectly well on his own."

    The Knights step aside and clear a path with perfect timing as Althea approaches from behind them. "I am well aware of the Hero''s faults, but my concern lies with you, villain," Althea points her hammer at Zazel. "Should you take even the most trivial of actions against us-"

    "Ha!" Zazel spits. "You think you can stop me from doing anything? Even unreleased, I would crush both of you handily."

    "So you do intend to betray us." Althea readies her shield and hammer and her Knights draw their swords, filling the hall with the sound of sliding steel.

    Zazel puts on a bored face and fiddles with her nails. "If the two of you ever decide to put your boots on my throat, the Liberation Society will be the least of your concerns."

    "Hero, this scum must be-"

    "Shut the hell up, both of you! You two are the ones who''re gonna be the cause of all the trouble if you keep fighting and sniping at each other all the time. And you''re gonna give me fuckin'' headache!"

    The two of them freeze and look at me.

    "You''re not gonna fight, and you''re gonna play nice. End of story."

    "But-"

    "No buts. Althea, Zazel''s our ally and we need her to help. Or did you already forget what God said?"

    Althea frowns, and I can tell she doesn''t like it, but she keeps her mouth shut.

    "Zazel, quit trying to rile Althea up all the time. Save it for the Limp Dick Society."

    Zazel unfreezes and goes back to playing with her nails. "Fine. I sure hope this is all worth it."

    "Believe me, these fuckers need to go down. They say they''re fighting for freedom and justice or whatever, but all they care about is power. And they''ll steal whatever and kill whoever just to get a little more."

    My whole body begins to get hot as I think about the night with Kris and the bots, and all the times those fuckers took advantage of me. The power that lives in my core starts to whip and roil inside of me, and it starts to hurt.

    I raise my fist. "Motherfuckers''ve gotta pay."

    I stare in to my fist for a moment as painful memories play inside my mind like a fucked up montage, but the scalding pain inside me makes me snap back to the situation in front of me. I take a deep and the pain begins to subside.

    I push my shades up. "So, are you guys gonna be cool or what?"

    Zazel grins. "Well, I suppose collaborating with my antithesis might provide unique opportunities to experience some perverse new forms of entertainment. I''ll ''play nice''. For now."

    Althea, after a bit of hesitation, relaxes and the Knights sheath their swords. "As long as she remains loyal to us and faithful to the mission, I will endure her indiscretions as well as I can."

    "Okay, good ''nuff?"

    We all trade glances for a few seconds, then nod.

    I sigh. "Good," I point my thumb down the hall. "Now let''s get the fuck outta here. I''m out of jerky and thirsty as all hell."

    Zazel shrugs and skips to my side. "So, where do you intend take me to first on this grand escapade?"

    "We''re going to my place."

    "Your home? You have a home? How do you-" Her face is a mix of confusion, realization, and a little bit of disgust. "Wait, that pile of wood I saw was your home?"

    "It''s not a ''pile of wood''. And if you talk shit about my place, I''ll make you sleep outside."

    Althea blinks away her shield and hammer. "The Hero''s home may be humble, but it is still more than you deserve, Chaos. You would do well to show some gratitude."

    I expect Zazel to clap back at Althea, or at least shoot her some kind of look, but she doesn''t. Instead, she just stands there looking disgusted and squinting past us with her mouth open for a moment before turning back to me. "Am I comprehending this correctly? I''m going to be living in that construct? With you and the tyrant?"

 The Bad Ol Days

    After a long, annoying trip back up from the bottom of Zazel''s lair, we finally pop up out of the giant hatch and step out into the trash-ridden courtyard. It''s dark, but glows with a dull light blue color. My head shoots up and I get an eyeful of Astraea''s big, full, and beautiful new moon.

    Astraea''s very first night. Amazing.

    For a few seconds everyone collects out side the entrance and stares up and the huge blue moon and the sparkling stars. They float like beacons in a dark blue sea with wide, massive streaks of orange, red, yellow, and green cosmic dust.

    I keep looking up at the moon and stars and I get lost in their glow.

    Althea touches me on the shoulder. "Hero, we need to get moving. We''ve lingered here long enough."

    "Uh, yeah. Sorry. Lost myself for a moment."

    "So there''s a moon now!?" Zazel catches up, a few Spawn sloshing behind her.

    "It''s huge. And the sky is really, really clear."

    Althea looks up again. "I admit it is a beautiful sight, but it also makes me uneasy."

    "Well, I think it''s grand!" Zazel cheers. "It makes me think dastardly thoughts!"

    "You guys don''t know how lucky you are. On my world, it''s pretty much impossible to get a view like this."

    Althea cocks her head slightly. "Why is that, Hero?"

    "My world is covered by smog. The sun is always a dull orange color and you can barely make out the moon at night."

    "I see. That sounds disturbing and filthy."

    "But here, you can actually see the night sky without anything in the way. It''s incredible."

    Althea looks back up. "First a sun, and now a moon..."

    I look up too. "Yeah. My parents told me about how the sky on Earth used to look a long time ago, but I never really understood what I was missing out on until I came here."

    My whole body tenses up as I clench my fists. State fuckers even took the sky from me.

    <hr>

    We march through the Asterian night, but I barely notice the clanking of the Knights, the goopy sloshing of the Spawn, and the sporadic bickering of Zazel and Althea as I lose myself in my thoughts.

    I can''t help but think about life on Earth. I think about my childhood on the farm, the ''orphanage'', my hard teenage years alone in the city, Kris, the State, and the Limp Dicks. I know there is no way to find out anything now that I am on Astraea, and I feel a hole in my heart that is slowly being filled by rage, like molten lava dripping into a crevasse.

    Suddenly, the world around me comes back into focus.

    "Make haste, brisket!" Zazel shouts, hands on her hips.

    Zazel, Althea, and the Thralls are staring back at me from some yards away.

    I shake my head and catch up.

    Althea meets me part way, her eyebrows furrowed on her otherwise stoic face. "Something troubles you, Hero?"

    I take a deep breath and shake my head. "It''s nothing. It''s all ancient history now."

    "Aw, poor, unfortunate soul!" Zazel''s voice is thick with sarcasm. "Does God''s favorite pet feel sad? Did you not get enough treats from your master?"

    "You aren''t helping, Chaos." Althea''s voice is like ice.

    "I wasn''t trying to, fool."

    "That is the very issue, is it not?"

    I try to block them out as I push down the rage simmering in my chest. Then I take a deep breath and let it out slowly.

    Althea, apparently sensing my turmoil turns away from Zazel, who is staring down Althea like she just took a shit on her rug.

    "Hero, please tell me what is wrong."

    I shake my head. "I was just thinking about my life on Earth. But there''s nothing I can do about it now that I''m here so I just need to learn to move on."

    "I see," Althea nods, "you may not be able to do anything about Earth, but perhaps you might benefit from telling us about your troubles."

    Zazel raises an eyebrow. "Are you truly feeling broody, egg? There''s little use keeping it inside like that, so out with it! It will prove cathartic for you and entertaining for me! Besides, I deserve to know at least something about the creature I''m about to risk my life for."

    The burning comes back a little. "I don''t owe you nothin'', and I don''t really wanna get into it anyway. The past has passed, ain''t nothin'' to be done about it. All you need to know is that these Limp Dick cultists have earned every goddamed beating that''s coming their way."

    I walk ahead of the group, passing some Knights and a couple of Spawn as I take point. Soon enough, everyone follows suit, Zazel and Althea joining me at my side as we march through the growing Astraean plains.

    Even in the dark, it''s pretty clear that Astraea grew and evolved some more after Zazel''s Release. There are a lot more trees, and they''re taller and thicker to boot. I can hear the occasional bug or animal making noises, and I even spot two or three pointy, colorful glowing rocks in the distance.

    Crystals. Gotta get to work on those soon.

    "You," Zazel dips into her cleavage with her pointy fingers, whips out a big colorful bag and holds it out to me, "have a snack." Zazel says. "Perhaps you''ll be less of a bore with some food in your stomach. That''s how you humans are, correct? You get irritable when you''re hungry?"

    "I''m not pissed because I''m hungry. I ain''t some dumb little kid."

    I snatch away the bag and tear it open, causing some of the stuff inside to fall out. I''m hit with a whiff of something sweet and spicy. I prod the contents and feel a bunch of small, flaky things inside. "Are these... Chips?"

    "Just eat! If it''s good enough for me, it''s definitely good enough for the likes of you."

    I lift my shades and examine the multicolored packaging. Even in the dull moonlight, it has a psychedelic shimmer.

    "They''re not gonna make me trip, are they?"

    "Don''t be foolish."

    I shrug, pinch a few, and crunch down. The taste is an wild combination of salty, sour, and a weird tangy flavor that is oddly delicious. I feel a sudden rush of energy as my body seems to soak up every little drop of salt and fat like a sponge.

    "Whoa..."

    "Amazing, are they not?"

    "Yeah... You eat these all the time?"

    "Not always, but often."

    "They''re a little like the snacks on Earth, but better. Way better."

    "They have ''chips'' on your world too?"

    I chew and swallow. "Yeah, but they''re really shitty. Kinda like salted paper," I pop in some more, "Alfeea, yoo wannah thry whun?"

    "No, thank you."

    "Sthood yersself."

    "You''re not allowed to share them with her, anyhow," Zazel snorts. "Now, if you''d prefer to keep your issues to yourself, I can accept that, but could you at least tell me something about humans, Earth, or anything? Freedom is nice, and Astraea''s new features are certainly noteworthy, but I am already beginning to feel bored again."

    Stolen from Royal Road, this story should be reported if encountered on Amazon.

    Althea glares at Zazel. "Please do not pester the Hero. He is not here to entertain you."

    "It''s fine, Althea," I swallow the last mouthful of chips and toss the crumpled up bag into the shadows, "it''s just that there''s not much to tell. Earth sucks, and that goes double now that the Limp Dicks are running the show."

    Fire licks my insides again.

    "So, even before it was taken over by the enemy, your world had issues?" Zazel asks.

    "To say the fucking least, yeah. The whole planet was overpopulated, covered in smog, and violent as all hell. The State ran the whole shitshow; they controlled everything and fucked up anyone who tried to get in their way. But they didn''t mind if we killed each other because there were too many people and a murder just meant one less complainer or asshole to deal with."

    Zazel raises an eyebrow, "Interesting. And the ''State'' was like Order, correct? A controlling, oppressive entity?"

    Althea shoots her a glance, but stays quiet.

    "Knock it off. Althea is nothing like those fuckers. But I guess they''re probably gone now. That or maybe they joined the Limp Dicks to save their own shitty hides," I feel myself getting hot again. "Anyway, they made life hell for everyone. It was just rule after rule after rule and regulations added on top of regulations. Can''t say this, can''t do that, can''t go there, can''t eat that."

    Zazel huffs. "Disgusting."

    "And even if you did everything right, they''d still fuck with you. They''d just make up some bullshit law and arrest you or make you disappear. No questions, no court, no chance. One wrong word or one bad look and they''d send some jackboots to come and put a bullet in your brain or drag you away to social rehab to get it scrambled."

    Althea turns her head slightly. "That sounds distressing."

    "Yeah. I once heard from a friend that the ''Public Safety Officers'' had quotas to meet, so they sometimes they''d bag dudes just to keep their own asses out of the hot seat."

    "So, these ''officers'' had to arrest someone or else they were punished for not arresting enough people?" Zazel asks.

    "Basically."

    "Sounds like the perfect recipe for corruption, if my understanding of humans is correct."

    "Oh, you don''t know the half of it. People were disappearing and coming back changed all the time. You couldn''t trust anyone because almost everyone was either a gangster, a snitch, or just plain fucking crazy. And it was all made worse by the fucking robots."

    It''s starting feel hot. Very fucking hot.

    "Yes, you mentioned the robots," Althea glances at me, "but what are they, exactly?"

    "Well, a robot is basically an artificial person. They don''t have much personality, but they can talk, move around, and work."

    "So they are essentially Thralls?"

    "Yeah. Well, no. Thralls, I guess, are made with magic, but bots are built in factories with metal, plastic, and other shit and have computers for brains."

    "Wait, does Earth not have magic?" Zazel asks. "How are the Liberation people coming to Astraea without magic?"

    "No, magic ain''t a thing on our world, but God told me the Limp Dicks somehow figured out how to use it even though its supposed to be impossible."

    "Unbelievable. So even without magic, humans can make an autonomous mechanical constructs?"

    I shrug. "I dunno. They just take a bunch of metal parts and wires and computers and fuel cells and connect ''em all together and it just works."

    "Bizarre," Zazel remarks "yet impressive all the same. Though the implications of a mundane world''s people getting access to magic is... Disturbingly delicious."

    "Yeah, well, fuck magic and fuck the robots... Though, I heard that back in the day, some people actually liked the robots at first because they were built to do work that was too dangerous or difficult for normal people to do like defusing bombs or unclogging blocked sewer pipes."

    "But that sounds like a quite a positive development for your people," Althea says, "how did such a thing go so terribly wrong?"

    "Well, about ten years ago, a group of eggheads figured out a way to make robots with a brain that was like a human''s, but, way, way smarter. And another group of dudes invented some new materials that made them strong and let them do difficult stuff with their hands, like type, juggle, and even surgeries. Basically, this new shit let bots be just like humans, but better."

    Zazel squints. "I think I''m beginning to see where this is going..."

    "From what I heard, everyone kinda thought that bots would just do all the hard work and we humans would be able to kick back and make art and music and shit while they served as our butlers. But, then the new smart ones started started taking high IQ jobs from the top of the stack while others kept the easy jobs from the bottom up. Sonsofbitches ate up almost all the jobs in a couple of years."

    Althea frowns. "I apologize for interrupting, but I am not sure I understand something: by ''job'' do you mean compensated labor?"

    "Of course, you dolt," Zazel takes the liberty of speaking or me. "Clearly, humans exchange labor for... Money, I think?"

    I adjust my shades. "Yeah. And we can use that money to buy shit that we need, if we have enough of it."

    "Right. Obviously, Order, humans exchange their skills and services for value in the form of money."

    "I asked the Hero, not you, wretch."

    "Did you hit yourself in the head with that hammer of yours? This is very basic knowledge that your precious God gave to all of us. You shouldn''t have to ask him in the first place."

    "Ugh, you guys, please!" The heat shoots up to my head for a moment.

    The Elementals look away from each other and stay quiet.

    "Anyways," I go on, " after a few years of this, people started protesting because they couldn''t make money. They knew the State would fuck ''em up, but there was no other choice ''cept to starve, so they marched on the Central State Complex. Millions of them. They wanted the government to stop letting robots take human jobs. But the State and their corpo bitches basically told everyone to fuck off and die. So, the people went nuts and went batshit on the bots and the jackboots, but the State was not having that shit and tons of people got mowed down or disappeared."

    More burning. It runs through me like a hot needle, but I don''t let it show.

    Althea shakes her head. "Hero, that sounds like a disaster."

    "It was. The State really lost their shit and went on a huge fucking global purge for like a year. I was just a teenager at the time, and I didn''t fuck with politics, so they didn''t do anything to me. But pretty much the whole world got its ass kicked up and down the street, even though the protest only happened in Central."

    My throat and stomach feel like they''re slowly getting baked.

    Zazel spits. "I truly despise tyrants."

    "So, after that, the people who didn''t get scrambled or killed just sort of went into pure survival mode. I was lucky ''cause I got a job at an old factory with a ''humans first'' policy, but most people who weren''t in the State government or a State corpo position got squeezed out of their jobs by bots pretty quick. A lot of kids skipped school to work fucked up illegal jobs while their parents went out to steal shit or hook. Tons just gave up and committed suicide. It was nuts."

    Althea folds her hands and bows her head. "May God preserve their spirits."

    Zazel snorts. "Tyranny and anarchy all at once. What a strange and terrible world."

    Some memories flash in my mind, and the fire comes back. It feels like my brain is boiling in its own fluid. I flinch, squeezing my eyes shut as try to endure the agony without cracking.

    "Hero?" Althea peers at me, concern on her face. "Are you alright?"

    "It''s nothing." I lied, even though Althea can smell lies like a dog can smell shit.

    Althea frowns, but doesn''t call me out. "If you begin to feel unwell, we can stop to rest."

    The heat dies down a little. "Don''t worry about it."

    "So, yeah. Not long after than, the Liberation Society showed up. Almost all of the activists got their asses kicked hard during the purge, but the Limp Dicks kept popping up no matter how many times they got their shit kicked in. I have no clue how they managed not to get bumped off or scrambled."

    Althea looks to me. Her face almost appears compassionate. "Hero, life on Earth sounds so harrowing. How did you ever overcome such a hopeless situation?"

    "What do you mean?"

    "Surely, you decided to take action at some point and challenge your oppressors?"

    Zazel lets out a snarky little laugh. "Oh, that is rich indeed, coming from you."

    "I am the Elemental of Order. I am no ally to wicked or corrupt systems of any kind."

    "Oh, so you do have a sense humor! I''m quite looking forward to more of your jokes."

    Althea sighs through her nose. "Please, Hero, continue. I am eager to know how you managed to reverse this situation."

    "Yeah, well," I push up my shades, and try to push down another rising inferno. "I didn''t."

    "What? Surely, as God''s chosen, you proved yourself worthy of Astraea by sacrificing yourself for- "

    "Well, I didn''t okay!?" It''s getting harder to keep my internal blaze under control. "You wanna know what happened? Those cultist pieces of shit kicked my door down and fucking murdered me!"

    Althea blinks and recoils slightly.

    "Nonsense," Zazel makes a stink face, "clearly, you are still alive."

    "Well, God brought me back from the dead, I guess!" I''m getting hot all over and it''s really starting to hurt. My blood likes it''s actually starting to boil.

    Zazel snorts. "So, that''s all? That''s our Hero''s tale? You lived on some bizarre anarchic prison world and then you were murdered by political activists? Surely there must be more to it than that."

    "Shut up." I growl through my teeth. I keep getting hotter and hotter, and I start to breath deeper and harder as sweat starts to soak my face and neck. The power from my core is roasting me alive; it feels like someone is funneling molten metal into my chest.

    "C''mon, egg, tell us the rest."

    "Don''t call me that."

    "Fine, I''ll make something else up. How''s ''sphincter''?"

    "Zazel, I swear to God, you better-"

    "Better what?"

    "Chaos, do not provoke the Hero further!"

    "Or what, Order? Are you going to silence me? Banish me? Kill me?"

    "Do not tempt me, Chaos!"

    "You couldn''t if you tried, and you know it!"

    "SHUT THE FUCK UP!" I shout with a puff of hellish flame as I stomp a foot into the ground. The there''s a rush of hot wind and the earth shakes as my voice carries and reverberates through the night.

    The Elementals freeze and the Knights and Spawn become silent as they come to a sudden stop. The air goes dead quiet and no one moves even an inch. I can only hear the sound of my heavy breathing and pounding heart.

    After a couple of long, awkward moments, my rage begins settle into a quiet simmer as sanity and reason starts to trickle back into my mind again.

    I push up my shades. "Sorry. Took it too far."

    I look around and no one says anything.

    The tension and silence is thick.

    Althea and Zazel are both staring at me with wide eyes, mouths hanging open a bit.

    "Let''s get a move on. I''d like to get back before dawn."

    I turn around and slowly continue on into the Astraean night.

    ---

    I get pretty far ahead of the Elementals and the Thralls, so I''m practically alone as I push forward under the stars. With a bit of time to myself, I am able to cool down quite bit and I''m nearly back to normal after a while. But as my anger subsides, it leaves more room in my head to think and reflect on it.

    I was never the type to fly into a fit of rage. Hell, I didn''t even throw tantrums when I was a kid, but now, it seems every other thing that happens gets me all fucked up.

    I remember the incident with Bub and Althea and my recent outburst. The burning, the tunnel vision, and the mindlessness play back in my mind like a movie shown through a fiery blood-red filter.

    I was out of control and Althea got her leg crushed because of it. If she were a normal person with no magic, she would be dead or a cripple right now. And I just lashed out and nearly hurt both Zazel and Althea for practically nothing.

    Two close calls in the same day. Althea is right. She''s always fucking right. I need to get this under control before I make a mistake I can''t fix. First thing tomorrow, I''m gonna get a handle on this shit.

 Systematized Rage

    The brighter the early morning gets, the more obvious it becomes: Zazel''s release brought a lot more life and beauty to Astraea.

    Like before, the plain is vast and stretches out as far as the eye can see, but now there''s a lot more to it. For one, it''s not completely flat anymore; there are plenty of little hills, knolls, and slopes here and there as well a small groves of trees with a creek or two running and cutting through. The tall grasses sway gently in the breeze, and I can hear the rustling of tiny creatures scurrying through the underbrush. In the distance, I can also see the hazy outline of a small mountain range, and I can''t help but wonder what kinds of animals might be up there.

    I don''t see many critters, but of the ones I do, most seem to be much smaller and simpler than those on Earth. I spot some strange little rodents and little puffy birds scurrying around. The one exception is when get a glimpse of a funny-looking beetle -that''s about the size of a cat- as it slowly crawls up a tree.

    The ass end of the sun is just over the horizon when I finally catch a glimpse of my house, which marks the dead center of Astraea. Even though I''m still far away, it''s pretty damn obvious that it''s not just a little shack in a field anymore.

    For the first time since my outburst, I turn back to Althea and Zazel. "Hey, we''re almost there! You see it!?"

    Althea and the Knights are still marching dutifully in formation a little distance away. Her eyes lock onto mine. "Yes, Hero, I can see it! It appears to have changed substantially!"

    I look over at Zazel, but she''s out cold. She''s combined her handful of Spawn into some kind of gross-ass mobile beanbag chair and is dozing off with her head back and her mouth open. The Spawn list gently left and right like they''re drunk, apparently unable to decide if they should stick close or keep their distance from me and Althea.

    "I''m hungry as hell! Let''s move a little faster!"

    Althea nods as she picks up the pace. "Yes, Hero!"

    Zazel twists, turns, and rolls over on her big goopy chair, her back facing outward.

    Eventually, we roll up on the house. Nestled between some grassy knolls and a few tall, leafy trees, the dark oak house looks a story or two bigger and has a white stone tower attached on one end and something that looks like a big black cellar door on the other.

    But the first thing that greets us is the well. It''s simple in design, and it''s pretty much just a waist-high, circular stone wall with a metal bucket hanging above it. Pretty sure I saw one in a movie once.

    I peer over the edge and see the smooth stone walls of a deep, narrow pit with a single, circular pool of water at the bottom. Just looking at it reminds me of how thirsty I am. In fact, since I arrived, I''ve had nothing but wine, and not even much of that.

    I don''t have anything on me I can use drink with, so I drop the bucket in, get a big ol'' scoop water, and gulp it down using the bucket like a giant cup. The water is cold, clear, and tastes so fucking good. It''s like drinking pure life.

    "Fuck, I needed that."

    Althea and the Knights come to a halt next to the well.

    "Is the water refreshing?" Althea asks.

    I slurp some more. "Hell yeah, it''s good."

    "In that case, may I have some, Hero?"

    "Yeah, sure."

    I pass her the bucket and she takes a quick swig, and passes it back. "That is indeed pleasant. Quite refreshing."

    "Yeah. C''mon, let''s see what the house has to offer. I need some jerky."

    "Of course."

    I look over to Zazel, who is finally pulling up to the well on her nasty little ride, yawning and rubbing her eyes. "Wake up, sleeping beauty! We''re going inside!"

    "What? Ugh, fine."

    She slides off the big Spawn chair with a plop and the creatures quickly disperse. She follows along, still groggy as we all head over to the house.

    "Man, this is great. Gotta hand it to God, he did a solid job."

    I can feel the tension in my neck and shoulders relax as I approach the door and the front windows, the feeling of homecoming settling in. I put my hand on the knob and it comes open with a single jiggle.

    "Home, sweet home."

    I swing open the door, and the sight of the place makes me smile. It reminds me of the nice, big houses in the suburbs in some of the old family movies I saw as a kid, but more rural, more medieval. There''s a large central living area, complete with a huge rug, a table and chairs, and a big fireplace, which is already gently crackling with low flame. I''m tempted to sit down and relax, but the rumbling in my gut tells me I need food.

    "Hero, there kitchen is this way." Althea calls out from the next room over.

    "Make haste brisket," adds Zazel. "I demand culinary satisfaction!"

    I don''t know what that means, but I head on over and take a gander at the kitchen. I need jerky.

    It''s big, but not huge. There are two doors that probably lead to a cellar and a storage room, there''s a huge, square cooking hearth, and there''s a big, rectangular wooden table in the middle. Althea is standing in front of a cabinet full of bowls and pots and jars of various sizes, all packed with various dried, canned, and salted foods and drink.

    "Wow, look at this stuff. This shit would cost a fortune back home."

    Zazel leans back in her seat at the kitchen table. "Humans make their meals from various ingredients, right?" She swings her legs up and rest her bare feet on the tabletop. "As recompense for last night''s unparalleled display of brazen rudeness, make me something that humans eat. If it pleases me, I shall consider forgiving you."

    I stop rifling through the drawers and cabinets for jerky, sigh, and turn to the two Elementals. "Look, you guys. I''m sorry. I really am. I... I guess I just have some internal shit to sort through. I shouldn''t take it out on you two."

    Zazel stares at me blankly. "Well, obviously, you have issues. Your world sounds absolutely horrid."

    Althea nods. "I am most relieved to hear you admit that there is a problem, Hero." She puts her hand over her heart and bows politely. "I accept your apology. Now, if you might be more willing to confide in me, we may be able to get to the bottom of this issue."

    "Yeah, well... I don''t know what it is. I was never used to get angry like that until-"

    It hits me. Hell, it''s stupidly obvious after two fucking seconds of thinking about it. "Until the Hero Pendant gave me my powers..."

    Althea''s eyebrows furrow. "The Hero Pendant is a divine artifact: a gift directly from God. Surely one of His treasures would not cause you to become so wrathful."

    Zazel''s eyebrows furrow, too. "By the way, sausage, which Archetype did you choose?"

    "Huh?"

    "Ugh, which type of Hero did you choose to become?"

    "I didn''t. The Hero Pendant chose for me."

    The two Elementals trade looks.

    "Hero," Althea''s voice is colored with a bit of concern, "that is most impossible. Only the Hero can choose his Archetype."

    "So, it was the Pendant, not the Hero," Zazel taps a finger against her chin. "That''s most peculiar. And what is this Archetype?"

    "I don''t remember. Lemme check."

    I pull the pendant out of my shirt, clutch it, and close my eyes.

    What is my Archetype?

    My voice echoes into the deep black ether of my mind''s eye for a second, and I get my answer. It''s spelled out to me in a strange kind of text that I''ve never seen before. As the symbols appear, they''re read out to me in a low, whispery-sounding language that is totally alien, but still somehow perfectly comprehensible.

    YOUR HERO ARCHETYPE IS: CUSTOM

    I don''t get it. What does ''custom'' mean?

    They symbols vanish and more reappear, read out in the same voice again.

    YOU CREATED A HERO ARCHETYPE THAT EXISTS OUTSIDE OF THE PREDETERMINED SELECTION.

    I open my eyes and put the pendant away.

    "Hero, did you get an answer?"

    "Yeah, uh..."

    I don''t know what the fuck it''s talking about.

    "Uh, the Hero Pendant said I made my own Hero Archetype, but I didn''t. I was just fiddling with the Pendant and it suddenly blew up on me for no reason. And before I knew it, I was 7 feet tall and throwing explosive punches."

    The story has been illicitly taken; should you find it on Amazon, report the infringement.

    Althea''s face is stern. "That is impossible. There is something very wrong with this."

    Zazel shrugs. "Don''t be so sure, Order. Even we Elementals don''t know everything about it."

    Althea glares. "But this is so unorthodox!"

    "What''s wrong with that? A little irregularity is good!"

    "You guys, enough." I feel myself getting hot again.

    They pipe down and turn their attention back to me.

    "Look, the Limp Dicks are gonna be here in less than two months and we need to be ready. But we can''t even make a plan until I get this shit sorted, which is gonna take some time."

    "What do you propose we do, hero?"

    "I''m gonna take a couple of days to explore the Hero Pendant and learn about my powers. Once I understand them better, maybe I can control ''em... Along with my temper."

    Zazel nods. "Surprisingly wise, coming from you. So, what should we do?"

    "We can make ourselves useful," Althea says. "We can begin work on a suitable base of operations, as well as fortifying the house."

    "I wasn''t asking you, Order," Zazel scowls. "But I suppose you''re not wrong. Also, we should send out some Thralls to scout for resources."

    I nod. "Sounds good."

    "And speaking of Thralls," Zazel gives me a catty look and a greedy little smile, "you owe me almost a hundred. Don''t keep me waiting."

    "Yeah, yeah, soon. We gotta build up our army anyways." I open a cabinet, and spot a big burlap sack with jerky spilling out of it, which I snag instantly. "But first, let''s have some food and get some rest."

    ----

    Since none of us know how to cook anything, the Elementals and I decide to feast on a grab bag of dried meats, cheeses, and some fruit. It''s all really good; the cheeses are interesting colors and the fruit looks familiar and alien at the same time. I especially enjoy a bunch of small green fruits shaped like crescent moons that taste like a cross between a very sweet melon and an orange, and I gobble them up almost as fast as the jerky.

    We all claim our own rooms: I take the master bedroom upstairs, Althea the tower, and Zazel the basement. Althea and Zazel are totally bushed, which is probably the reason why they don''t quarrel of fight over anything as we get ready to shuffle off to Dreamland.

    But I can''t sleep. I''m not a even little sleepy, even if I do feel a bit mentally exhausted from the events of the last two days.

    I realize that haven''t had a full night''s sleep since I arrived. I dozed off a bit in Althea''s tower after the Ritual, and took a nap before the Spawn attack, but I haven''t actually properly slept since coming to Astraea.

    I run my hand through hair my and sit up.

    Shit, this is kind of disturbing. First superpowers, then uncontrollable anger, and now I apparently have insomnia or something. I need to get to the bottom of this; it''s time to start asking some serious questions.

    I put my clothes back on, and, as quietly as my huge body and heavy-ass boots will allow, I make my way down the stairs and out the front door. I really don''t wanna wake up the Elementals; Althea and Zazel''s bickering and fussing is the last thing I need right now.

    I head up a little knoll, sit underneath a tree and settle in. The late afternoon sun casts a gentle golden glow over the grass, which stretches out far and wide in a wavy sea of green. It''s a bit comforting, like nature is saying, "It''s gonna be fine. Just chill and get to work."

    Which is what I do. Hero Pendant resting in my hand, I close my eyes, and return to the void of my mind''s eye.

    Yo, Hero Pendant. I have questions.

    The weird symbols appear again, along with the low voice speaking in that strange language.

    WHAT DO YOU WISH TO KNOW?

    I guess I wanna know more about me and my abilities and powers and stuff like that. But keep it simple.

    HERE IS A SIMPLE OVERVIEW OF YOU AND YOUR ABILITIES AS THE HERO:

    A long-ass wall of glowing text falls down like a curtain and front of me, and the voice starts reading it to me.

    NAME: FERDINAND LUCAS GLADWIN

    RACE: HUMAN (EARTH)

    ALIGNMENT: NEUTRAL

    INCORPORATED ELEMENTALS: NONE

    ARCHETYPE: CUSTOM

    PROFICIENCIES: HEALTH (SUPREME), STRENGTH (SUPREME), ENDURANCE (SUPREME)

    DEFICIENCIES: INTELLIGENCE (LACKING), WISDOM (LACKING), MANA (ABSENT)

    Yeah, yeah. I already saw this. It''s weird that I don''t have mana, and it kind of sucks that it thinks I''m stupid, but whatever. Don''t need brains if you have a lot of brawn, at least when it comes to war.

    The voice just keeps going and going, but the symbols stay floating in front of me, so I try to ignore the voice and read on at my own pace.

    I go down to the next section and what I see makes me freeze.

    CORE HERO ABILITY: HEART OF VENGEANCE: YOUR HEART, ONCE MADE OF FRAGILE TISSUE, IS NOW A WELLSPRING OF POWER BORNE FROM THE UNION BETWEEN THE PRIMORDIAL FORCE OF RAGE AND THE COSMIC ENERGY OF A RED STAR. THIS BURNING NUCLEUS OF RAW ENERGY CAN BE TAPPED TO FORTIFY YOUR BODY AND FUEL OTHER ABILITIES.

    Holy shit, am I reading this right!?

    USING THIS ABILITY, WHETHER THROUGH DELIBERATE ACTIVATION OR NATURALLY ELEVATED ANGER, INCREASES YOUR PHYSICAL CAPABILITIES AND POWER OF ACTIVATED ABILITIES IN PROPORTION TO THE QUANTITY OF ENERGY TAPPED AND/OR THE SEVERITY OF THE ANGER, WITH ALMOST NO UPPER LIMIT.

    I sit there, staring at the text, my mind reeling a bit from this revelation.

    ALSO IN PROPORTION TO THE AMOUNT OF TAPPED POWER, YOU WILL EXPERIENCE A NUMBER OF NEGATIVE EFFECTS AND DEBILITATIONS INCLUDING, BUT NOT LIMITED TO: IRRITABILITY, IMPAIRED JUDGEMENT, IRRATIONALITY, PARANOIA, SEVERE PAIN, BODILY TRAUMA, COMBUSTION, AND LOSS OF SELF-CONTROL. THESE EFFECTS MAY LINGER AT WEAK OR RESIDUAL LEVELS FOR SOME TIME AFTER USE OF THIS ABILITY, EVEN IF ALL TAPPED ENERGY IS EXPENDED.

    My heart is a goddamned nuclear reactor fueled by rage! No wonder I''m fucking pissed all the time.

    I take a moment to absorb this information and take a breath. Okay, so it''s a superpower and a curse. Sounds more like a villain''s power than a hero''s, but whatever. And what was that about ''activated abilities''?

    I mentally grope and flounder around a little, then I somehow manage to ''scroll'' down a bit to see more.

    ACTIVATED ABILITIES:

    BALLISTIC BEATDOWN: THERE IS NOTHING THAT CAN WITHSTAND YOUR WRATH. EVEN THE STRONGEST ENEMIES AND MOST DURABLE MATERIALS CRUMBLE AND SHATTER UNDER THE FORCE OF YOUR EXPLOSIVE STRIKES. THE SPEED AND POWER OF YOUR BLOWS BECOMES SO INTENSE THAT YOU CAN CAUSE DESTRUCTION AT RANGES WELL BEYOND THE REACH OF YOUR BODY.

    And that explains why my punches were wrecking shit so hard. I didn''t know I was ''activating'' anything when I unleashed on the spawn, I just did it naturally, like I was moving a limb or something.

    RAMPAGING REGENERATION: EVEN THE SMALLEST CELLS IN YOUR BODY ARE IMBUED WITH YOUR RAGE, AND THEY DO NOT TAKE KINDLY TO BEING DESTROYED OR SEPARATED. YOU CAN HEAL WOUNDS, OVERCOME ILLNESSES, AND REGENERATE LOST BODY PARTS AT WILL. IF YOU ARE RENDERED UNCONSCIOUS OR DIE, THIS ABILITY WILL AUTOMATICALLY ACTIVATE IF YOUR CORE IS STILL FUNCTIONAL.

    When Althea got on my case for being reckless yesterday, I told her that I basically can''t die. I meant it, but it was just a gut feeling I had. But seeing it spelled out and confirmed like this makes me feel badass. I''m pretty much unbeatable at long as my ''core'' doesn''t get busted.

    I get a glimpse at the next Ability. Wait, what''s this?

    INCENSED INSTINCTS: THE ROAR OF YOUR FURY SILENCES ALL INTERNAL DISTRACTIONS AND FOCUSES THE ENTIRETY OF YOUR BEING ON THE CURRENT SITUATION, ENHANCING YOUR REACTION SPEED AND SHARPENING YOUR INSTINCTS. IN ADDITION, YOUR INDIGNATION MAKES YOU A MASTER OF IMPROVISED COMBAT BY BRUTE FORCING ITSELF INTO YOUR SUBCONSCIOUS TO INSTANTLY DRAW UPON AND APPLY CONTEXTUALLY-RELEVANT LATENT MEMORIES, IF ANY.

    I don''t really get this one, but it looks like it makes me a better fighter, so that''s good, I think. The only strange thing is that I don''t recall having a natural feel for this Ability like the others, which also doesn''t make much sense. I sure as hell could have used that when I squared off with Bub. Maybe I should try to use this one later to get a feel for it. Anyways, what else is there?

    PASSIVE ABILITIES:

    HARDENED BY HARDSHIP: LIFE IS HARD, AND SO ARE YOU. YOUR PAIN TOLERANCE IS SUBSTANTIALLY ENHANCED, YOUR SKIN AND FLESH ARE EXTRA RESILIENT, AND YOUR BONES ARE MADE OF AN INDESTRUCTIBLE ALLOY. IN ADDITION, YOU HAVE EXTRA GENERAL RESISTANCE TO NON-MAGICAL SOURCES OF HARM, AS WELL AS NEAR-TOTAL IMMUNITY TO SELF-INFLICTED DAMAGE.

    My bones are made of metal? How did I not notice that? I mean, I''ve definitely been feeling heavier lately, but I thought it was just because grew a foot and packed on a huge amount of muscle.

    TOO ANGRY TO DIE: ON THE ROAD OF LIFE, EVEN DEATH STANDS ASIDE WHEN HE SEES YOU COMING. IF YOU ARE MORTALLY WOUNDED WHILE IN AN ENRAGED STATE, YOU COMBUST VIOLENTLY, RESULTING IN THE EXPULSION OF ALL REMAINING TAPPED CORE ENERGY AND INSTANT STABILIZATION.

    Shit, that''s not good. If some sneaky asshole manages to clip me while Althea and Zazel are nearby... No, it''s not gonna happen. Ain''t no one gonna clip me. Not if I have this kind of power.

    There''s just one more little section near the bottom.

    OTHER EFFECTS:

    THE PRICE OF POWER: MAGIC

    YOUR CONSTANT INDIGNATION PREVENTS YOU FROM ESTABLISHING ANY SIGNIFICANT CONNECTION TO THE SACRED FABRIC OF THE UNIVERSE. AS SUCH, YOU CANNOT LEARN OR CAST SPELLS NOR CAN YOU GAIN MAGICAL RESISTANCES. FURTHERMORE, ENCHANTED ITEMS WILL LOSE THEIR MAGIC WHILE IN YOUR POSSESSION. HOWEVER, OTHERS CAN STILL USE MAGIC ON YOU AND YOU CAN ACQUIRE AND USE DIVINE MIRACLES AND BOONS.

    Whatever. Casting spells is too slow and mana runs out fast. Besides, I don''t need magic if I''m practically immortal and can punch the shit out of anything. And if I need magic for some reason, I can get Althea or Zazel to help me out.

    That''s all she wrote, so I open my eyes and the fields of Astraea greet me once again. I sigh and run my hand through my hair. I can''t believe this is all happening. It''s all so wild, but it''s still real.

    I''m a goddamned superhero with a heart full of fire.

    "Hero!"

    My attention shoots up to see Althea making her way over to me.

    "Hey, what''s going on?"

    "What are you doing out here, Hero?"

    "Couldn''t sleep, so I figured I''d check in with the Pendant and figure out what the hell is going on with my powers. It turns out I was right."

    "You were?"

    "Yep, turns out the reason why I''m pissed off all the time is because of my powers."

    Althea nods and settles in the grass next to me. "So, your anger is an effect of the abilities granted by your Archetype?"

    "Yeah. Apparently, my heart is a star made of rage or something."

    Althea shakes her head. "This is truly remarkable. I had no idea such a thing was possible."

    "Yeah, it''s what fuels my powers. It makes me more or less immortal, and gives me super strength. And from what I understand, there''s no limit to how much power it can give me."

    "Truly, it is an unbelievable ability. It would be impossible to defeat you in single combat."

    "That''s why it''s great. The Limp Dicks are toast if they fuck with me."

    Althea shakes her head again and frowns a little. "But you''re not happy, Hero."

    "What?"

    "I can sense your turmoil. There''s more to it than that. Do not deny it."

    I look away and scratch the back of my head. "Well, the truth is that the stronger it makes me, the more wild and unpredictable I''ll become. I''ve barely used it and it''s already affected my mind this much."

    "Indeed."

    I sigh. "I don''t know what the Limp Dicks have planned, but it''s probably not going to be an easy fight. In fact, I have a feeling that I''m gonna have to go all out to beat ''em, and I''m afraid I''ll take shit too far and hurt you or Zazel when I take ''em on. I don''t want a peerish victory."

    "Pyrrhic, Hero. You do not want a Pyrrhic victory."

    "Yeah, whatever. Point is, if I''m not careful, I could hurt someone."

    "Your power is indeed fearsome, but know your heart is true. It is angry and hurt, but it is true. If you are sincere, and you put your best foot forward, I believe you can control this power safely. God chose you for a reason, and He would not have His champion become a scion of wanton destruction. Believe in yourself."

    I smile a little. It feels good to get encouragement. I sure as hell didn''t get much back on Earth, and Althea''s words make me realize how much I needed it.

    "Thanks, you''re right. You''re always right. And I need to know more about what I''m working with. I need to test these powers and see for myself what they can do and how much I can control ''em. Then we can make a real game plan to trash the Limp Dicks."

 Taking a Leap of Fury

    "You guys''ve gotta be on your best behavior. No fighting, no bickering. Don''t do nothing to piss me off. If you got something to say, save for when I''m not around."

    Althea stands at attention like a soldier while Zazel makes a face like a kid who just got told to clean their room.

    "Why do I have to be here for this?" Zazel whines. "I''m tired! I wanna go back to bed!"

    "This is of the utmost importance, Chaos," Althea turns to Zazel. "The Hero is about to use his powers to their fullest, and he has deemed you worthy to observe and aid him. You would do well to appreciate the honor and save your complaints."

    "What''s there to observe? He gets angry, and it makes him strong. It''s not particularly complicated. My time is better spent sleeping so I''m beautiful and sharp for when we actually get on with something challenging."

    "You can have all the rest you want when the war concludes, you layabout. Our world and our lives are in peril."

    "Just where do you get the audacity to lecture-"

    "Hey!" I shout. "Knock that shit off! That''s exactly what I''m talking about!"

    Althea snaps back to attention. "Sorry, Hero."

    "Apologies, sausage."

    "Alright, enough talk. We''re doing this. I''m gonna get some distance, then I''m going for it. If shit hits the fan, stay out of sight."

    "Yes, Hero."

    "Fine. Get on with it."

    I jog well outside the property, going and going and going until Althea and Zazel are two little bugs on a hill. I wave at them until they wave back, then I strike a pose by crouching a bit and clenching my fists.

    Little by little, not too much at once. Not yet.

    I close my eyes, reach inside my core, and grab hold of my powers.

    I can feel the power start to flow into my body, like hot water in my veins. The heat builds, and my heart starts to pound. My muscles swell, and a tingling sensation rushes through me.

    That''s not too bad, I only feel a little hot so far.

    I let out a quick punch. There''s a blur, then a crack with a rush of hot wind, but nothing too crazy.

    I hit the Spawn way harder. Still, even the toughest dude ever would at least get knocked out by something like that.

    I breath in deep, and pull out even more power.

    The heat surges, and so does the energy. My body is getting stronger, and it hurts, but it also feels incredible. It''s almost like a drug, a high unlike anything else. I wanna keep pulling more and more.

    I want more!

    My heart is beating fast, and I feel sweat rolling down my neck. My breathing quickens as heat rises.

    I throw another punch, and this time there''s a thunderous boom and a wave of hot air blasts past me.

    Okay, pretty good. Not too pissed yet, maybe a little grouchy. Let''s kick it up a notch.

    I remember when I got pissed and laid into Bub, and decide that''s a good spot to aim for. I reach deep and pull hard.

    The heat becomes almost unbearable, and I feel my face starting to get sweaty. I''m not too sure, but my body seems to be swelling even bigger, like it''s getting pumped up with a bunch of air.

    Then it starts to burn inside. The same searing pain begins to peel and crack my insides as the pressure builds. Bad memories flash in my mind''s eye for a few seconds, and I know there''s no going back.

    "GYAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHGGGGHHHH!!"

    I scream at the top of my lungs, and I''m blinded by a flash of fire. My skin burns and peels like I''m being slow cooked over an open flame as a feeling of intense hatred washes over me.

    Something needs to get fucked up! Right fucking now!

    I scream again as a I unleash another wave of punches, which barely register in my blurry vision. They sound like thunderclaps, and the wind is burning hot, like an oven.

    The ground starts to crack beneath me, and the air smells like sulfur.

    A tree is blown over, and a hill starts to cave in, but I''m too pissed to care. I keep wailing on the earth, sending out another flurry of punches, and then another.

    "DIE, YOU GODDAMNED LITTLE FUCKING SHITSTAINS! JUST FUCKING DIE!"

    A case of literary theft: this tale is not rightfully on Amazon; if you see it, report the violation.

    My heart is on the verge of exploding. Every second is a painful struggle. But there''s a part of me that likes it. The part that crave destructive power.

    "EAT SHIT!"

    The final punch is like a missile, and the whole world explodes around me. Dust and fire cloud my vision and my ears rattle with the final thunderous burst, which seems to rock all of Astraea.

    With that final punch, the rage feels nearly absent from my body. Though my bones ache and my skin is pretty much totally red, I can feel my mind clearing and my reason returning.

    So releasing the power cools me down as well. Good.

    Forgetting that I just roasted myself, I start to move and I''m instantly assaulted all over with the worst stinging pain I''ve ever felt.

    "Ah! Fuck!"

    But then I remember my other power. I take in a deep breath, then let out a deep, bestial growl. The smoldering heat inside of me turns to a simmer as the pain subsides. There is a faint fleshy sound as my red skin returns to its normal, healthy hue.

    I still feel kind of pissed, but at least the pain is gone.

    The dust and smoke clear, and the area around me grabs my attention.

    "Holy shit..."

    There are no more trees, just scorched stumps. The grass and flowers that spread out before me are totally gone, it''s just a grove of smoldering dirt now.

    As the smoke and dust settle, the voices of the Elementals ring out.

    "That was incredible!" Althea calls out.

    "My ears hurt, you absolute roast!" Zazel squawks.

    I shoot my arm and give them a thumbs up, but truthfully, I''m not satisfied. But, there''s one more ability. One I haven''t used yet.

    ''Incensed Instincts'', huh? But how do I make it work?

    I give myself a few more seconds to cool down a little more, then I try to focus. I close my eyes and sort of feel around inside for whatever part of me triggers this ability.

    After a few seconds, I feel something weird twinge inside my core, and I get a rush of power. But instead of the energy and heat spreading all over like usual, most of it rushes to my head, as if somebody flipped me upside down.

    Oh, shit! I hope this isn''t gonna fuck up my brain!

    I feel the need to open my eyes, and what I see is pretty wild.

    What the fuck? Did I freeze time or something? What is this shit!?

    Everything is frozen, like a movie that''s been paused. The smoldering dirt, the dust in the air, and everything else seems to be standing completely still. I have a bit of tunnel vision, and everything seems to be glowing with a slight orange-red tinge.

    And it''s dead quiet. Like, deader than a morgue.

    I move a bit, and it''s a weird experience. It feels like moving underwater. My muscles feel kind of stiff and swollen, and the air doesn''t seem to give way as I move through it. It''s like it''s pushing back on me, trying to stop me.

    What the hell is going on?

    Then, in a flash of memories I remember the crystals I saw out in the distance last night, and I get this sudden, crazy-enough-to-work idea.

    The next moment, a strange sound fills the air, like a recording of a thunderclap played backwards. Then everything starts moving again and all the ambient noise comes rushing back.

    Looks like someone pressed the play button.

    I look around, flicking my head every which way, but all I see is the same green grass and scorched earth.

    "What are you doing, you idiot!?"

    I spin around and give Zazel two birds.

    I have no clue what happened, but one thing is clear: I have a new idea, and I just know I have to try it.

    I cup my hands around my mouth. "Hey! I''m gonna try something fucking stupid, so don''t freak out!"

    Althea looks at Zazel for a second, then shakes her head. "Please do not be reckless Hero!"

    "Whatever you say, you stupid, overgrown dumpling!" Zazel yells.

    "Don''t call me that!"

    "I''ll call you what I want!"

    I take a deep breath and turn away from them. I reach inside and tap into the power. The heat returns, and the rage comes with it, but this time it''s manageable.

    I''ve always had a hard time remembering stuff, but I''ll be damned if I don''t know exactly where those crystals are. Roughly exactly.

    I draw up more and more power, rage and fire burn and boil my whole body while filling it with pure energy and raw strength once again.

    "RRRRAAAAAHHHHHGGHGGHHH!!!"

    My core is juicing me up real good, and I growl and crouch like a beast from the deepest circle of Hell, waiting for my rage to get to just the right level.

    I pull more and more, and the pain intensifies as I burst into flames. My skin roasts, my hair burns off, and my clothes char, fray and melt.

    "GYYAAAAAAGGGHHHH!!!"

    My energy climbs higher and higher and higher until, I get a feeling that the time is right.

    "LESSMOTHERFUGGINGOOOOOO!!!"

    Like a hellspawn rabbit jacked up on demonic jetfuel, I rocket into the air. The world becomes a blur as the air rushes around me, pulling back on my charred flesh as I blast up and through the air. I tear through the sky like a living missile, screaming all the way to the peak of my ascent.

    The air grows cold and the wind stops. It''s almost quiet as my momentum dies. My mind clears, the fire goes out, and the pain stops, mostly.

    And then I look down, and I all see is green, tan, and grey. I''m high. Really fucking high.

    "OH, SHIT! SHIT!"

    Gravity grabs me by the balls and pulls me down hard. I''m falling, and there''s no parachute.

    "HOLY FUCKING SHIT!!!"

    I''m a falling, screaming, naked meteor and I''m headed right towards the fucking ground.

    I try to pull out the last of the rage to try to cushion my fall, or at least dull the pain of the impact, but the ground is closing in way too fast. There''s nothing I can do about this other than take it on the chin.

    This is gonna suck! Why the fuck did I do something so retarded?

    I''m about halfway down and the ground is racing towards me.

    "FUCKFUCKFUCKFUCK!"

    The ground gets closer and closer, and my heart pounds in my ears. It looks like I''m going to land in a forest or grove or something.

    Fuck, it''s almost here!

    "FUUUUCK!"

    I brace and stiffen up as hard as I can, and then...

    "GAGGGGHHHH!!"

    My body hits the earth and it feels like I tried to drop kick speeding train as I land feet first. The force is absolutely unreal, and my whole body feels like it''s exploding and imploding at the same time.

    And the pain, fuck, the pain!

    It''s a living nightmare. I can''t even think; it''s too intense, seems to go on and on for a good while.

    And then, it stalls and fades away into a deep, dull soreness. Instead of a torturous sensation, it just feels kind of like I got a little bit of an ass kicking.

    I growl as I dip into my core and force my body to heal itself. In moments, my hair and skin comes back and my body feels good again.

    I move around a little, testing the waters, then I stand, pull a fresh pair of shades out of my melted jacket, step out of my little crater, and take a look around.

    I''m in a thick forest, and everything is lush and green. There are some funny, big-ass mushrooms, and some colorful flowers here and there. Birds sing in the canopy and the leaves and branches rustle as critters skitter through them.

    I don''t see the crystal, but somehow, I know it''s close.

    I tap into my power again. My core reacts, and I can feel my face flush. I just need a little.

    I growl a bit , and then there''s a flash of green in my mind''s eye, and a feeling in my gut.

    "Come to daddy..."

 Punchin Crystals

    Wearing nothing but a half-melted biker jacket and some aviators, I stomp my way through the Astraean forest in search of the crystal.

    It should be right about...

    I come across a tall, thick tree, and behind it is a clearing, and the crystal.

    I smile and let out a deep, triumphant chuckle.

    "Bingo."

    The big ol'' crystal juts out of the ground at a bit of an angle, and even in the golden late afternoon sun, it sparkles and shimmers with a hearty lime green glow.

    I head over and take a look at it. It''s beautiful, but I have to bust it to get what''s inside.

    I lean forward and see what I can see. Down by the base, I see something that looks like a jar or a bottle.

    Hm? Never seen that kind of thing before.

    I growl, and take up a little power. It''s starting to get easier.

    Then, I step back and cock my fist far as it will go. My muscles tense up somethin'' fierce, and I punch the crystal as hard as I can, leaning nice and deep into the strike.

    "RRRAAAGGHH!"

    A blinding green flash explodes out of the point of impact, and a massive thunderclap fills the air. The whole earth shakes, and a shockwave rips through the area, blowing back the trees and ripping up the grass and dirt.

    I stand up, shake off my hand, and watch the dust settle.

    The crystal has shattered, and a clear glass bottle, with a cork stopper, rests in the crater.

    I walk over and pick it up. Inside is some kind of green liquid. It bubbles like a soda, a glows like Zazel''s drink that made me trip balls.

    I pop the cork, and the smell hits me like a truck and I push it away from my face. It reeks like bleach and lemon, and it makes my face scrunch harder than anything I''ve ever experienced, including the all the crazy chemicals I used to work with back at the factory.

    What the fuck? The hell is this shit?

    I close my eyes and call up the voice in the Hero Pendant.

    Hey, Pendant! What is this crap?

    The familiar glowing symbols appear, and the weird language starts chattering.

    THE ITEM IS A BOTTLE OF MAGIC SERUM. CONSUMING A SINGLE DOSE -APPROXIMATELY A QUARTER OF THE FLUID- EMPOWERS YOUR NEXT SPELL TO AN EXCEPTIONAL DEGREE.

    Wow, the perfect find for the guy who can''t use magic. Unfuckingbelievable.

    I open my eyes and cork the bottle. Well, maybe Althea and Zazel can make use of this-

    A little movie flashes in my mind. I see Zazel greedily chugging the whole thing and laughing like a maniac as she turns the world into cheese.

    Or maybe just Althea.

    I examine the green liquid some more. Sure are a lot of green drinks on this world. But magic-boosting stuff might be good if we get tangled up in a bad situation. Now I just gotta make sure it doesn''t break while I''m jumping around.

    I try to slip the bottle into my pocket, but I remember that the bottom half of my jacket was melted off and my jeans were totally burned away, so I put it the little chest pocket where I normally keep my shades.

    Okay, where to next? I saw two other crystals last night, but I think they''re kinda far from here. And I''m not even totally sure which way is home.

    I scan around a bit, trying to get my bearings. But I don''t see shit but trees, and the sun starting to dip below them. I only have a sense of what direction I came from.

    Shit, I have almost no idea where I am! If I could just see over these dumbass trees- Oh, yeah!

    I take a deep breath and draw on my power again; it heats me up like lava flowing through a bunch of pipes.

    As long as I don''t overdo it...

    I squat for a second, tense my muscles, then jump straight up. I shoot into the air, but instead of being launched like a missile, it''s more like getting bounced up on some super powerful trampoline.

    "Yeah, let''s go!"

    I clear the canopy in a second, and I quickly hit the top of my jump and hang in the air for a moment. I see the treetops spreading out every which way, terminating in a sea of green grass. In the distance, I catch a little glimpse of a bright blue light.

    Unauthorized duplication: this narrative has been taken without consent. Report sightings.

    Found ya!

    I start falling and the world turns into a blur.

    Here we fucking go! Gotta land on my feet this time!

    I slam back into the ground, sending up a spray of soil, sticks, and other crap. I''m flat on my back, and the impact rattles my bones and nearly knocks the wind out of me.

    I growl, and the pain disappears. I roll onto my feet, and shake my head.

    Damn, that sucked. But I almost got it, and it didn''t hurt too bad.

    I wipe the pine needles, dirt, and squashed mushrooms sticking to my ass and back as I ponder a bit on how to make this work. Soon enough, I get another stupid idea.

    Well, shit. That''s as good of a plan as any, I guess.

    I head to the treeline, and draw up some power until I''m feeling pretty goddamned hot under the collar.

    "UUURRRGGGHHH!!"

    I crouch a bit, tense up, and blast forward in a mad sprint.

    "ARRRGGHCOMEOOOOONNNN!!!"

    I sprint through the grove in a blink, then I jump as hard as I can.

    I sail through the air like I was shot out of a catapult. The trees rush past me like a green river below, and I feel like I''m being sucked toward the field -my destination- in the distance.

    It''s working! I''m practically flying!

    Then, I begin to lose altitude and then I start to really get an idea of how fast I''m actually going as the grass starts rushing toward and under me.

    Shit! Shit!

    I reach in, flip a little switch, and I get another head rush. The movie that is my cruel, stupid life is paused for a second, giving me just barely enough time to brace myself properly for impact. The play button gets pushed, and just before I hit the ground, and I shield myself. I land on my feet, but my momentum forces me into a tornado of a somersault, and I roll across the grass like a loose barrel on a suicide mission.

    When I finally come to a stop, I''m in the middle of the field. I''m pretty much totally covered in grass, dirt, and little sticks, but I''m okay. Basically.

    Okay, that was better. That was definitely better. Still kinda stupid, but better.

    I take a few deep breaths, then sit and take a look around. It''s a huge, open space with a small, thin stream running through it.

    Shit. But if I fine tune it just a bit more, maybe...

    Like an astronaut on the moon training to be the first Lunar stuntman, I leap and roll and leap and roll over and over again, checking the crystal''s position and changing up my direction as I move along.

    I''m definitely getting better, and I''m almost able to enjoy the process as I pass over the nature of Astraea with every huge leap.

    After a few dozen attempts, I finally have something that looks like a method, and I have a pretty good hang of it by the time I land near the big blue car-sized crystal, which is sticking out the side of a knoll.

    "Alright, you bastard!"

    I get in a nice, tight stance, and wind up my punch.

    "DIE!!!"

    There''s a bright flash, a deafening bang, and then the crystal bursts apart and falls in shards all over the place.

    "Hell yeah! Fuckin'' score!"

    But as I lean in and sift through the destruction, I can''t see anything there.

    "What?"

    I spread, scatter, and kick the remains of the crystal. But no dice.

    "YO, WHAT THE FUCK!? THIS IS-"

    I''m hit with a quick, strange wave of energy that feels like a bunch of electric ants, fleas, and roaches speeding up from my feet to my head, and I get a quick whiff of some kind of really strong chemical.

    "The fuck?" I pat myself and sniff like a dog, trying figure out what just assaulted me.

    I check the crystal again. There''s still nothing inside, and the chunks have lost their blue color and glow. "Yo, this is bullshit! That crystal was fucking cursed or some shit!"

    I close my eyes. Pendant! What the hell was that!?

    The void lights up with symbols and the voice speaks. YOU HAVE ACQUIRED A DIVINE BLESSING: INSECTICIDE BLAST.

    Insecticide Blast!?

    A ONE-TIME USE DIVINE BLESSING. CALLING FORTH THE POWER OF THIS BLESSING WILL ALLOW YOU TO SPRAY A DENSE CLOUD OF A HIGHLY TOXIC COMPOUND WHICH EFFECTIVELY DISPATCHES ALL INSECTS. CAUSES DYSPNEA AND DERMATITIS IN MOST OTHER NON-INSECT CREATURES.

    That''s fucking worthless! I''m going up against bots and cultists, not bugs!

    It doesn''t reply.

    I open my eyes, and now I''m seeing red and my piss is starting to boil.

    "USELESS PIECE OF SHIT!"

    With my bare feet I start stomping the shit out of the remains of the crystal. I can feel it crack and chip away as I pulverize it.

    "FUCKIN'' WORTHLESS ROCK!"

    I stomp and stomp and stomp, grunting and growling with each crushing blow until it becomes gravel under my feet.

    "There! Teach you to give me stupid shit!"

    I stand there for a while breathing hard and fast as sweat rolls down my face.

    Not going home until I get a good one! Where''s the other!?

    Like an animal on the hunt, my eyes dart here and there, trying to catch that glimmer of red from last night as the sun slips below the horizon.

    Fuckin'' where!?

    There. Far across the field, tucked in the foothills of some mountains. I can see the crimson-orange glow from here. Despite being wrapped up the storm of my determined anger, I get a strange feeling like this one is really important. And strangely familiar.

    It''s a long-ass distance, but there ain''t shit but grass in my way. A straight shot.

    "Better give me somethin'' good, bitch!"

    I let out a huge roar into the air like a pissed-off animal on the warpath, my scream completely wiping away the peace and quiet of Astraean dusk. In an explosion of fire, blitz across the plains like a burning missile, carving a trail of fury into the ground as I burn everything I touch.

    I can see it, a giant pillar of crimson-orange light. I know that''s it.

    I growl and pour on more speed, my whole body is aflame and I''m burning through energy as the field narrows, a valley funneling me to the foot of the mountain.

    "GIVE IT TO ME, GODDAMMIT!!"

    The red pillar grows closer, and a feeling like I''m about to burst starts to spread across my chest as I reach the foothills.

    But something''s not right.

    I stop, my feet plowing up dirt as I pump the breaks.

    That ain''t no crystal.

    Sitting nestled up on the belly of the mountains, where the foothills end, is a massive black construct. Its gnarled black iron fringes jut and spike out from it and its wild, jagged maze of ramparts, and its many windows glowing with the same sick red radiance that flares out from it like cursed candlelight.

    An inkling of fear tickles my heart from underneath all my indignation. This place. I know this place.

    Memories play back in my mind. The assault. The Knights. The Spawn. The Bastards. The ambush.

    This place! I know this fucking place!

    Zazel''s head gets pierced. Althea''s magic doesn''t work. Neither does mine. Snake eyes. The towering black figure. The blade. The cannon. The fire. The pain.

    The castle of death calls me, and I''ve gotta answer. ''Cause motherfuckers''ve gotta pay!

 Too Angry to Die

    I''m a living fireball of hate, and the iron fortress is the driest tinder. It was made to be destroyed by me. There ain''t no other purpose it could serve.

    "RRRRRAAAARRRRGGGGHHHHHHH!"

    I charge full bore up the mountainside; the steep rocky slopes do nothing to stop me as I leap and hop like a mad beast from ledge to ledge, my eyes dead-set on the iron bastion.

    I''m a meteor. A bomb. The end is fucking nigh.

    I leap onto the gravel-strewn road that winds like a snake up the gate of the first rampart, taking huge leaps forward like a flaming freak of nature as I skip all the bends and turns.

    "COMEONCOMEONCOMEONGOTTASMASHGOTTACRUSHMOTHERFUCKER!"

    As I close in, a long thunderous trumpet-like sound erupts from somewhere behind the wall and vibrates the dark mountain air.

    "YEAH! RING YOUR LITTLE BITCH ALARM!"

    The enormous metal gates fold, crack, and tear like cheap tin as I charge through them, leaving them bent and broken and burning on their hinges.

    "DAMN RIGHT YOU''RE FUCKED! YEAH YOU FUCKING HEARD ME!"

    I''m met by a rising iron road, which zigzags left and right up a steep hill. There''re also a lot of crimson flame torches, spiky walls and other stupid crap that looks like it was put there to stop people from coming in. But they ain''t stoppin'' shit.

    "THIS IS MY FUCKING CASTLE NOW!"

    I bound up the incline and tear through everything like a burning wrecking ball. I charge and jump and kick and punch and smash through everything as I make my way up the mountainside.

    I hear a bunch of shit whistle through the air and hit the ground around me, but ignore it as I continue my furious assault on this wimpy-ass, pathetic castle.

    The next gate comes and goes, and then the one after that. The whole place is starting to become a big pile of wreckage, and my path is becoming easier and easier as skip over and tear through their stupid bullshit obstacles.

    The third gate -or maybe it''s the fourth- doesn''t last long, and I''m on the final stretch of road.

    I can see the black, jagged ramparts and the dark spires in the distance, the huge, looming keep with a murderous red aura looming over the final wall.

    A massive orange light flashes from the highest tower, and roar of thunder rips through the air.

    My instincts scream and I make a quick, sharp leap off the road just before a huge explosion erupts, shaking the mountains side like the earthquake from hell.

    The blast pops my eardrums and slaps me a way like a giant invisible hand across my whole body, and I''m sent flying backward.

    "WHAT THE FUCK!?"

    I bounce and roll back down the mountain and land ass-first in a ditch. My head is swimming and my bones ache like a motherfucker, but the pain disappears a few seconds later, the sound rushes back into ears, and I''m scrambling up the mountain like a pissed off badger on a murder spree.

    "COME ON, TRY THAT SHIT AGAIN!"

    A roar and a flash of red light. Another wall of crimson flies at me, but I leap high into the air like a wildcat. I''m rushed by an incredibly powerful blast of hot air, and my eardrums almost pop again, but I''m over the last rampart before the rocks and dirt stop raining down.

    A memory flashes in my mind again. Showers of steel. White, black, and red blood. Snake eyes. Fire. Death.

    "MOTHERFUCKERS''VE GOTTA PAAAAY!"

    All at once, in the ramparts, battlements, towers, and windows, the Bastards pop up. Like a legion of sets of pint-sized of demon armor, their jagged and spiky helmets and chest pieces make a sick silhouette against the red glow of the keep.

    I hear their metallic cackles and screams of insanity as their weapons pop off with crack and twangs, and I''m rushed by a multi-directional storm of whistling black metal. Streaks of bright crimson arc though the night air right at me, and I start to get peppered with arrows, spears, slings, bolts, and other wicked shit.

    Nothing but a flat iron courtyard ahead of me, I burst forward, twisting, hopping, and rolling as the gleaming shower of projectiles rains down on me. My body moves on almost pure animal instinct as I pour my whole being into breaking through that fucking keep.

    "RRRAAAGGGHH!"

    Avoiding the shower of serrated and jagged missiles is about as pointless as trying to dodge rain during a monsoon, but my body dips and leaps and twists anyway.

    My core thrums and burns hotter.

    "I''M GONNA FUCKING CRUSH YOU!"

    The keep''s gate is ahead of me. I jump and leap and roll and dodge. I''m a goddamn demon.

    The the towering castle''s massive portcullis flashes and glows red, chains revving and steel slamming as it flies open. Then, an absolute wall of iron comes flying out. The castle is like a dragon spewing a breath of metal from its entrance, and I can''t continue to ignore the intense, never-ending storm.

    This novel''s true home is a different platform. Support the author by finding it there.

    I cross my arms over my face as I push forward, but it''s overwhelming. The whole front of my body is becoming a pincushion as all this shit hits me all over the again and again and again. My face, chest, gut, neck, arms, shoulders, hands, elbows, thighs, ass, knees, shins, feet, dick, balls, face, and my eyes.

    My fucking eyes!

    "AAAAAARRRRHHHHHHGGGHH! MOTHERFUUUCKERRRRSSS!"

    I jerk and scream from pain and anger in equal parts. I try to scrape off and grapple with all of the shit sticking out of me, but the agony is getting pretty fucking unreal.

    The shit keeps coming and coming. Most of it doesn''t connect; it just bounces off the other crap already stuck in me, causing even more pain as the metal inside me is twisted, pushed and jostled against my flesh.

    I''m more metal than meat now; I can''t even scream- my throat is full of serrated, jagged iron. I feel lightheaded, dizzy, and sick. I can feel the energy draining from my body and it becomes harder and harder to think.

    I remember the fire. Blast after blast from that fucking cannon as we got swarmed by the Bastards. They were everywhere. They scrapped almost all the Knights and Spawn.

    Althea said we were ready. Zazel said it would be easy. We had hundreds of Thralls. I had the Dice. Things had been easy up to that point.

    They got hard real fast.

    The Bastards lured us deep into their maze of walls, ramparts, roads, and bridges. We thought the place was empty at first; even Althea didn''t pick up on the danger.

    We were two walls away from the keep when they trapped us. They sealed the gate behind us, then they jumped us from every angle and used every possible weapon. Swords, axes, bows, spears, hammers, pitchforks, and other shit I''ve never even seen before.

    We fought back with everything we had, but we lost almost all of the Spawn and Knights. It seemed like every turn had an obstacle and every step activated a trap.

    I had no choice but to use the Dice. Whenever I used the Dice, everything always seemed to work out, even if they didn''t always take things in the direction I wanted. I knew the risk I was taking, but it made sense to take it considering how in over our heads we were.

    I just didn''t expect snake eyes on the first roll.

    God gave me power that could kill me, knowing it would be too tempting to pass up, and yet I was supposed to be the last hope for Astraea.

    THAT''S FUCKED!

    After a hard and fast life of quiet suffering, I found some meaning as the "Hero". Sure, it all felt a little too easy, a little too hollow. And, if I''m honest, the fact that I still felt kind of empty inside despite living in a paradise of food, magic, and sex, was pretty demoralizing deep down. I had everything I man could want, but I still wasn''t fulfilled. But at least I wasn''t enslaved by corpos or getting cucked and castrated by someone I loved.

    But if there''s one thing I learned in my lifetimes, it''s this: love, happiness, and meaning weren''t meant for me.

    FUCKEDUPFUCKEDUPFUCKEDUPFUCKEDUP!

    The sound of my thoughts fades away in the darkness, and a powerful, heavy fatigue comes over me.

    Why me...? So... Wrong... So unfair... Doesn''t... Doesn''t even make sense...

    Like a bathtub with no stopper, all the anger, energy, and will are steadily drained from me. I feel colder and colder, heavier and heavier. I know this feeling.

    I''m dying.

    Through the void I see the tiniest white light, like a shining pinprick in the overwhelming, infinite blackness. I want to go there. I have to go there.

    I''m not afraid of death. Not anymore.

    I reach out. My arms are lead. My body is stone. The rest and peace I want so badly is closer than ever before.

    I strain, pushing forward through the emptiness. The light seems to come no closer.

    Then, the light begins to pulse and strobe as it grows and intensifies. I''m not going to it, it''s coming to me.

    The surging light flares and sparks, growing even larger as it blasts out fiery tendrils. It begins to change color from white to pink, then darkens to a bloody red.

    The light overwhelms me, blowing at me like a windstorm. I see nothing but burning red as an intense heat and pressure tense up inside me, hotter and heavier with each passing second.

    DIE ON YOUR OWN TIME, PUSSY!

    My senses rush back to me all at once, and a wave of energy surges through me, forcing all the crap out of my body and burning away all my ravaged flesh.

    The red light is the world around me, and it''s filled with a deafening, incessant roar of thunder and fire. My ears rattle, then my hearing pops out again as I become a living storm of flame.

    I try to scream, but I can''t feel my mouth or neck. I try to breathe, but I can''t take in air.

    The fire finally whips, swirls, and flickers out of existence, and the roar fades into a distant echo.

    Through my one eye, all I can see is molten metal. No Bastards laughing and screaming, no iron hail assaulting me from every angle, just streaks and globs of orange on black. The towering keep is half-melted and drooping, the red-hot dripping portcullis making it look like some kind of giant tortured soul.

    All the superheated metal makes me hesitate. I look down at my feet to get my bearings.

    Oh, fuck.

    I''m already standing in a pool of molten iron. And I have no skin, just strips of black, charred flesh wrapped around blood-browned metal.

    The Pendant wasn''t fucking around. Goddamned metal bones.

    After testing my footing, I trudge through and across the melted courtyard and roll through the front gate.

    It''s hard to see inside the keep with only one bad eye, so I take a moment to rage heal. I feel my flesh pop, pull, and sting as my nerves begin to connect again, and the black void in my left eye begins to give way to the gloomy darkness of the keep. My body fills up with organs again, and muscle, cartilage, and sinew tighten and bind themselves to my bones once more. Even my hair comes back.

    I''m a naked, burnt mess, but I feel whole again. The raging fire inside me is starting to die down, and the pressure is getting less intense. But the energy is still there, and the fury is still there, just simmering. Won''t take much to bring it back to a boil, though.

    Motherfuckers''ve gotta pay. Where the fuck are they hiding!?

    I tap my fury, and my surroundings become bathed in a radiant orange-red. There are fragments of melted Bastard everywhere, and I can see a huge slope of metal rubble sloping all the way to ceiling of the, with all kinds of weapons sticking out between the gaps of the chunks of iron.

    My gut tells me something is fucked, and my senses snap back to normal.

    Shit!

    I start to make a mad dash for the exit, but just as I turn around, there''s a monstrous crash just out side the front of the keep that sounds like an airliner just nosedived into the ground. My ears ring as the dark blue glow of the night becomes black.

    I peer into the dark, trying to see through the black dust.

    The scraping and bending of something huge and metallic screeches and groans in the darkness, then starts stomping slowly my way.

    I tense up. My fists clench and my jaw tightens. "Been lookin'' for you, asshole! You ready to die!?"

    A horizontal slit of crimson light casts a beam down at me through the smokey, dusty air, filling the room with a bloody aura. A huge, shadowy black construct ignites a huge, jagged and curved blade with one arm and points a massive red-hot cylinder at me with there other. It stops dead just inside the keep, as still cold and hard as the iron it''s made of.

    More memories. Charging. Laughing. Fire. Death. My heart races with anger, fear, and excitement.

    It jolts and rattles as its visor''s light brightens and its weapons'' flames intensify. It takes a couple of steps forward, razing it''s flaming weapons toward the ceiling.

    "SLASH AND BURN! SLAAAASH AAAND BUUUUUUURRRNNNNN!!"

 Beautiful Bleeders

    I close the distance in an instant, throwing all my power and speed into the gargantuan iron construct. Its metal shell cracks and bursts with the impact, and its huge form makes an even bigger hole in the ramparts as it gets shot through them.

    Shards of stone and iron rain down everywhere as I leap into the the night air.

    I don''t know where it landed, but I''m gonna pounce and finish this fucker fast.

    I soar into the red night, and I can see the glow of two burning weapons concealed weakly inside a rolling cloud of black dust.

    Gotcha, you sonuvabitch!

    I hit the ground, adjust my aim, and rage leap again.

    I land feet first on its shoulders like a cannonball, pushing the big thing into the rocky ground. Its armor groans and cracks under the pressure and the black cloud of dust and soot is pushed away by a rush of hot air.

    I look down upon it with a smile of vengeance. "YOU''RE MINE, FUCKER!"

    My power wells up in me, and I start to stomp the ever-loving shit out of its face, each shaking and kicking up the earth and sending metallic reverberations through the air with more and more intensity as my fury builds.

    "BREAK, YOU SONUVABITCH, BREAK!"

    With each stomp, the metal cracks, dents, and breaks a little, and so does my sense of self-control and sanity.

    "MOTHERFUCKERS''VE GOTTA PAY! THEY GOTTA PAY, THEY GOTTA MOTHERFUCKING PAAAY!"

    The cannon arm makes a quick jerk in my direction, but that'' shit is too slow.

    "NOT THIS TIME, FUCKER!"

    I stop caving in its face and give its arm the hardest fucking stomp the universe has ever known.

    The mountainside roars and black dirt flies in all directions as my foot punches through the bicep of the iron colossus. As the earthy soil lands and the sound fades, a catch the tail end a of a terrible scream.

    Someone is inside this bitch!

    A switch is flipped in my mind, and everything begins to slow down to a crawl. The armor begins to glow, crack, and peel as sluggish flames begin to gush out from the hairline ruptures.

    Fucker''s gonna blow!

    I leap off the General and start running.

    The black iron armor cracks open like an egg, and the big fucker explodes, the force of it ripping a huge hole in the mountainside and blowing my bare-ass body back and upward, like someone hit me with a giant baseball bat made of TNT.

    I catch some serious air and hang for a second, but I manage to land on my feet, even as the foothills begin to tumble and slide down around me. I burst and scramble away as I barely avoid getting dragged down into the deepest crater I''ve ever seen by the wide river of earth and rock rushing to fill it.

    I get to a bit of solid footing and leap up onto a section of mostly intact wall, and spin around to take in the scene.

    I rage heal my eardrums back, and I scan the the smoking crater like an animal on the hunt. I can''t see shit but red light, smoldering crimson embers, and black smoke.

    The fuck!?

    I flick my head and jerk my body every which way, searching for a sign of action or movement anywhere.

    No! It''s a trick! There''s no way it just bumped itself off! Fucker''s gotta be up to something!

    I search and search, but there is nothing but a plume of smoke, flowing stone and dirt, and the bloody aura of punished castle grounds.

    "I ain''t playin'' your games, asshole! Quit fuckin'' around and fight me!"

    The wind blows, and the mountain rumbles, but all else is quiet.

    "I ain''t goin'' nowhere! I''ll be waiting, ya hear!? I''ll stand right here all night long, if that''s what I gotta do!"

    My heartbeat is like a jackhammer in my chest, and my breathing is ragged. My senses are at a high alert, but there''s nothing as the rocks stop tumbling and the smoke clears.

    "Fight me, you fuckin'' bastard! C''mon, I''m right here, and I ain''t afraid to go another round! I''m ready when you are!"

    Nothing. No answer.

    Fuck ''em. That was probably just the General or whatever anyway.

    I spit out some blood, but something sour and bitter still remains.

    Unfuckingbelievable. It wasn''t even the Elemental who clipped me; it was her fucking henchman!

    I pick up a chunk of wall and hurl it into oblivion. Should of guessed, given what Althea and Zazel look like.

    Scanning around some more, I try to catch my breath and focus my mind. Slowly, my sanity begins to return, like sand sprinkling to the bottom of an hourglass.

    What am I, fucking stupid? And since when am I the kind of guy to go running around trying to smoke fuckers? I''m getting all worked up trying get back at people for something that didn''t even happen.

    More blood pools in my mouth and I spit again.

    These powers are making me into a lunatic. ''Sides, shit''s gotta be bad for my blood pressure. Fuck it, I''m just gonna-

    "Sega fo gninnigeb dna dne eht ma I! Tnaryt eht fo wollefdeb eht dna enab eht ma I! Liaf sdrow nehw semoc tahw ma I! Latem fo Mortsleam!"

    Time slows to a crawl as I turn around. Rising streaks of glowing crimson and shimmering black form a towering wall of in front of me. Little shrieks, groans, and metallic reverberations haunt the air as the impossibly high wall of death rises and rises higher and higher.

    You''ve gotta fucking shitting me!

    The walls and all the other metal crap begin to form into nasty weapons of all kinds. The part I''m standing on begins to loosen and separate as well, and it''s happening pretty goddamned fast, even in slow-mo.

    Shit!

    I try to find a place to jump to, but there''re long and sharp floating weapons everywhere, and they''re filling the air fast, like a swarm of giant, fiery black hornets.

    No way out but through!

    I dig deep and draw out a metric fuckton of power. I feel the fire -and the emotion- build up and sear my insides, but I bite my teeth together and focus.

    The wall of death is nearly complete. One of the blades shoots at me, and it feels as if time is about to speed back up again.

    Motherfuckin'' go time!

    I let the fire consume me, and everything is bathed in red. I feel myself become a being of pure rage, and I unleash the fire and scream my lungs out. I brace myself and draw back my fists as the torrent of weapons begins to curve down on me like a rolling tsunami.

    "AAAARRRRGGGHHH!!"

    The blades begin to pour down at me, and I start punching. My punches are like a wall of flesh, metal bone, fire, and explosions as I machine gun the massive waterfall of red iron.

    The whole scene becomes a rapid fire thunderstorm of sparks and a blizzard of iron. I keep swinging, and I can hear the metal rain and the crackle of the flames as they hit the ground. I can''t see what''s going on anymore because of the volume of fire and sparks, but I keep punching anyway.

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    But I can''t defend my back. No matter good a dude is at punching tidal waves, his ass is going to get wet no matter what. I''m sliced, cut, slashed, stabbed and skewered all over, but the pain and the pressure only fuel my anger and drive my fists faster.

    My knuckles, hands, and wrists are stripped down the bone, both by the torrent of blades and the force of my own power. In a brutal cycle, my flesh and skin are healed back and stripped away, over and over again as punch and punch and punch.

    Eventually, somehow, I pull ahead. The metal swarm thins, and finally dies.

    As I rage heal for the millionth time, and my tunnel vision relents, I see I am surrounded by huge mounds of black metal, their red glow now snuffed. Aside from few rolling or tumbling bits, all is still.

    I remember the sound of the incantation. That was a spell, no doubt, and the cast must be close.

    Gotta find that fucking Elemental!

    I search all over, whipping around my head and turning around every which way, looking for any sign of the asshole.

    Gotta find ''em before they use it again! Shit fucking hurts!

    I turn and turn and turn, but nothing. Even my rage instincts don''t pick up anything.

    Chickenshit turned tail!

    My heart pounds, my breathing is heavy, and the fire inside me is still blazing strong. I''m still pissed as fuck.

    "Come back and fight, ya crazy bitch!" I scream at the mountains.

    My words echo back to me. No reply.

    I look around one last time, but there''s still no sign of the Elemental.

    What the fuck am I doing? This is shit is pointless. Maybe I should just-

    One of the mounds of iron erupts and I''m hit by something fast and big. I react in time to block whatever the hell it is, but the sheer impact sends me flying back. It wraps around me as I fly backward and land on an incline; It rolls with down the mountain, spinning like a barrel.

    My vision is a dark blur of black and red until I slam up against something hard. As my vision steadies, I feel something brace itself against my chest and see something raised above my head: a long, wicked spike.

    I twist and fire out the fastest punch of my life.

    A crack of thunder, and a quick squeal of pain, and the thing goes flying off of me.

    Then I hear it laughing.

    I get to my feet on lightning tap, dukes raised. "Finally decided to show your face, huh?"

    The Elemental is already on her feet, standing tall, illuminated by the same murderous red aura as the mountain. She''s big -almost as big as me- and her tan, muscular body is covered with pieces form-fitting, jagged black armor. Her brilliant, wavy full red hair burns like bloodstained fire, and it frames her head and shoulders. One eye is covered with a black patch, and the other flickers at me with a deadly blue glow.

    "So, the Hero finally appears on my mountain." She says with hungry grin.cHer deep, sensual voice flows like blood running down a knife.

    "Save it, you crazy-ass bitch! I''m not here for small talk."

    "There''s nothing small about it. I''ve waited for this moment since the day I came into existence."

    "Yeah? Well, that''s too fuckin'' bad, ''cause I''m not about to waste anymore time on your ass!"

    "Is that right?" The metal spike in her hand grows and morphs in to a huge, double-bladed battleaxe. "Then, come, Hero! Come and show me the power of your hatred! Show me that beautiful red blood of yours! Your trial begins now!" She gives me the biggest grin I''ve ever seen and she throws her arms out wide, as if inviting me.

    "This ain'' t gonna be no ''trial''."

    <hr>

    All through the night, the mountain roars with the sounds of our duel. The mountain is carved and broken as the sky thunders with our blows. We fight with all the force, speed, and fury we can muster. It becomes an all-out brawl, with no quarter asked or given.

    Her battleaxe is a whirlwind of death and destruction, but my fists and fury are a force of nature. I block, parry, and dodge her attacks as much as I can, but she always seems to be two steps ahead.

    Unreleased Elementals are tough as hell.

    Her moves are expertly timed, and she manages to put pressure on me while staying out of range of my counters. And just when I think I''ve figured out her style, she switches to another weapon and it''s back to square fucking one; it really pisses my ass off. But if I let up, she''ll cast her magic, and I don''t wanna find what kind of crazy shit she might have up that particular sleeve.

    My rage and frustration builds, along with the power of my blows, but keeping up with her makes me use up my power before it can build up too much. Plus, her defenses are good. If I try to hit her with something really hard, she just changes her weapon into a shield, like Althea''s.

    Still, I hit her whole bunch of times really, really goddamned hard, but she can heal almost as well as I can.

    Almost.

    I have no idea how much time passes as we continue this bloody, vicious fight; could be minutes as easily as years. But eventually, things slow down. She slows down. She starts to get sluggish and make little mistakes, and it takes longer for her to heal.

    When I notice this, I press the attack. She has a harder time getting in hits, and even when she lands one, I give it back twice as hard. Her parrying and dodging become sloppy, and her attacks become wild and undisciplined. Her face and posture begin to change, too; she looks like a cornered animal.

    But she''s still smiling.

    "Yes... That''s it, Hero. A Hero must be strong. He must be capable in battle. Words can only accomplish so much, after all."

    "Shut up! I''m not here to prove anything!"

    She throws an overhead strike, but I dodge to the side.

    "Then why are you here, if not to do battle?"

    She spins around and swings her claymore around horizontally. I hop back and counter, but she changes to a shield. She''s tired, and her shield is weak. My fists start to punch through and crack it, making her wince.

    "I already told you," I launch another punch, bursting the shield and sending her flying back into a pile of debris. "I''m here for payback."

    She scrambles to her feet, her face a mixture of pain and rage. "Did that fire of your yours melt your brain, as well? I''ve never even seen you before!" She throws her hand out to the side and the black metal rushes to her hand and forms into a halberd. She charges at me with it, swinging it around and over her head.

    I hold my ground. I can take her. She''s mine.

    She swings it down. The blade is huge and wicked; I bet it''d tear a normal guy in half. I sidestep, but she changes the halberd''s momentum, spinning it around and behind her, aiming the butt of it at me.

    Damn thing is a spear now.

    I jump back and roll out of range. As I get up, the weapon changes shape again, and I launch a burst of supersonic punches, shattering the weapon and sending her flying and tumbling back again.

    That was almost easy. I have the edge; I need to finish this.

    But I don''t move in. I watch as she slowly gets to her feet, clutching her shoulder. Black blood streams and drips from where her arm used to connect to it.

    She laughs, but she can''t completely disguise the pain she''s in, even as her arm slowly grows back. Her breathing is heavy, and her lips twist. "You fight and bleed beautifully, Hero. But delusion and insanity have little place on the battlefield."

    I keep my dukes up as I take a few cautious steps forward. "Yeah? And what makes you think I''m crazy?"

    She spits out some blood. "Because you''re seeking revenge against someone who has done you no wrong."

    "If I''m so insane, why even bother say anything? Running your mouth to crazy guy is risky; might get your ass beat harder."

    "You are not too far gone. You hesitate to kill me even though you gained the advantage over me some time ago," she stares at me with that radiant blue of eye of hers. "You hesitate."

    A flashback. Althea''s wounds, Zazel''s suffering, my humiliation. The fire. The blood. But I also remember Kris. The knife. The castration. Bleeding out. Her eyes looking down at me as my vision blurred and faded.

    I know what it is like to die. The feeling of pain and helplessness. The terror of watching one''s own body give out as the mind fades slowly to black.

    "There can be no hesitation in battle!"

    I turn to the right and see a flurry of projectiles arching my way. My rage instincts kick in, and punch them out of the air with one, wild furious blow.

    Then, a massive, primal feeling of dread comes over me, and time slows down almost to as standstill. I feel something sharp start to press up against the underside of my healing ribs.

    The Elemental is thrusting a long, thin spike up at my core.

    Fuck. That.

    My fists fly and times speeds up again. I punch her arm, punch the spike, punch her face, her gut, and her shoulder. She goes flying back, and I see her body get smashed and crushed by the impact, her armor breaking apart and her bones snapping, but she rolls gets back on her feet.

    I don''t let up. I instantly close the distance, and barrage her with a fucking rainstorm of super sonic punches. Her limbs, bones, and armor snap and pop as I continue I land punch after punch after fucking punch.

    She braces herself, and her bloody red aura spikes in intensity, perhaps a final show of power and defiance. Even as I pulpify her face and body, she budges very little against my superpowered assault.

    In the middle of the storm of flesh and metal bone, bust away her chestpiece, exposing her breasts -and her stone.

    The stone glows bright blue. The core of an elemental. Smash it, and the Elemental dies.

    "SEE YOU IN HELL!"

    She stumbles as I reel back with all my power and rage. But as strike, My arm freezes, as if some powerful, invisible hand is holding it back.

    "The fuck!?"

    I realize that I am bathed in some kind of golden-white light. I step back and try to shake it off, and both the light and the force fade instantly.

    What the hell was that!?

    The Elemental laughs. "Beautiful! So very beautiful!"

    I growl. "What''s so goddamned funny!?"

    "Don''t you see? You can''t kill me. And I can''t kill you." She smiles as her body begins regenerate. "We''re the perfect match."

    "Quit fuckin'' around!"

    I don''t know what stopped me, but whatever it was, it seemed to take a lot of the fight out of me, too. And maybe that wasn''t such a bad thing.

    And for once, I feel something other than fear and rage.

    I''m shaking, and I feel sick to my stomach.

    I almost killed her. I was gonna do it. Just a few more inches and-

    She''s on me in an instant, tackling me to the ground before I can even think about doing anything.

    Shit, I gotta keep my head in the fuckin'' game!

    I flail a bit and try to get her off, but she grabs my arms and positions herself on top of me. I struggle against her, and while she grasps me tight, she doesn''t resist too hard.

    "You crazy bitch!" I''m about to start swinging, but something is off. She''s trying to pin me, for sure, but it doesn''t feel like she''s trying to kill me. She doesn''t strike me. She resists my struggling, but also gives slightly when I push her.

    "Ah, that''s right, Hero. Struggle and strain against me. I want you to fight me and strike me. I want you to crack my bones and make me bleed all over. I want you to cover us in our beautiful black and red blood!"

    She leans in deep, smelling like blood, gasoline, and red cinnamon. Her hungry, manic face is just inches away from mine. "I want you to slash and burn me until the end of time."

    Oh, what the actual fuck!?

    I push her off of me and roll away, springing to my feet and raising my dukes.

    "Look, lady! I ain''t lookin'' for a fuckin'' girlfriend," I growl. "What are you, the Elemental of Masochism, or something?"

    She laughs some more and spreads her arms out, a broad grin plastered across her face. "Nothing so quaint. I am Raelith! The Elemental of War!"

 The Elemental of War

    A couple of moments pass. The wind blows, and the mountain smolders.

    I keep my guard up, peering over my fists. "So, what now?"

    She drops her dramatic pose, but keeps the greedy smile. "We cannot defeat each other. I do not have enough power to end you, and it seems you have been bound by pact magic that prevents you from killing."

    "Pact magic? The hell''re you talkin'' about?"

    "How could you not know? Pact magic requires the consent of two or more parties, so you must have made some form of agreement at one point or another."

    I shake my head. "I didn''t agree to shit!"

    Raelith shrugs. "Well, whatever the case, I couldn''t be happier." She turns her battleaxe into a warhammer, and leans on it as she makes a dreamy and wicked face. "I found someone worthy to do battle with. Some who doesn''t break into pieces when stuck by the slightest blow."

    "Well, if fighting''s what gets your rocks off, why don''t you join me?" I lower my dukes a bit. "I know thousands of cultists, wackos, and bots who''d love to eat that axe of yours."

    "Hmm..." Raelith pouts her lip. "You are suggesting we stop fighting each other, and fight together?"

    "Pretty much."

    "Who are we fighting, exactly?"

    "A bunch of crazy assholes that call themselves the Liberation Society who''re totally hellbent on taking over and destroying everything."

    She thinks for a moment, then frowns. "No, that''s a terrible bargain for me."

    "What? How do you figure?"

    "Because if I''m to do battle with this Liberation Society, then I would probably have to let you Release me, which would make me lose almost all of my power." She sighs and shakes her head. "And I wouldn''t be able to duel you as an equal anymore."

    "Wait, you''re telling me that you would rather just scrap with me than fight an actual war? You''re the Elemental of War!"

    "I do very badly wish to fight in a real war, but you''ve more or less hit the target."

    "You''re fucking crazy!"

    She shrugs. "Perhaps. But I have been here, on this mountain, for ages, waiting, watching, and hoping that a worthy Hero would appear. And now I have finally met you, my Hero, and I will not give you up so easily." She smiles. "You and I, we can do battle, forever and ever, and I will never have to be alone again."

    "Are you fucking serious!?" I blink. " Wait, what about the Trial? I beat you, so I passed, right? I know I got carried away near the end, but-"

    A feeling of shame washes over me. I can''t finish my sentence.

    She gives me a curious look, then speaks. "The condition for passing the trial was my defeat, by either knockout or submission, so it is currently a stalemate." She lifts her hammer, turning it into a huge, thick broadsword. "But if you wish to continue-"

    We both become aware of the weird ass sounds at the same time. One is crunchy and metallic, and the other is slimy, wet, and somehow, ugly.

    Butt Ugly.

    Oh, shit!

    I turn to see Sir Biscuit, huge ass sword in hand, running full bore up the remains of the mountain path. Not far behind it is Zazel, riding on the back of a fat, slug-shaped mass of Butt Ugly Spawn. The gross-ass Butt Slug contracts and detracts like a giant wet turd that has come to life and thinks it''s a caterpillar.

    I head toward them and start waving my hands. "No, you fucking idiots! She''s not Released! Get the fuck outta here, now!"

    Sir Biscuit and Zazel exchange glances, as if silently asking each other, "What the fuck?", but they keep coming.

    "Fucking stop!"

    I spin back to Raelith. "Don''t even fucking start!"

    "Oh, what''s this? More challengers?" Raelith scans them curiously, a twinkle in her eye.

    "No! Don''t attack them! They don''t know what''s going on!"

    She winds up with her enormous blade, another smile cracking across her face.

    I reach out. "Yo, I said stop! If you kill them, we are all completely, royally fucked!"

    Her face twists in confusion. "Huh?" She relaxes her stance slightly. "What are you on about?"

    "Shit!"

    I turn back around, and they''re already rolling up to our little plateau of devastation. Sir Biscuit approaches slowly, giant sword cranked back and at the ready, while Zazel slips forward cautiously atop her Butt Slug.

    Zazel could have just sent her Spawn. At least Althea is being cautious.

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    "Brisket!" Zazel shouts, "What in all creation have you been doing!? I will make you suffer for forcing me to travel all night!"

    "Zazel! I''m not fucking around! Stay the fuck back! She could cut you in half in the blink of an eye!"

    "She could," Zazel dismounts sliding down the her slimy mount, "but she won''t."

    "This isn''t the time for your cocky bullshit! Stay. Away."

    Zazel rolls her eyes as she approaches, a hand on her hip. "You are irony incarnate. Wait, do you even understand what that means?"

    "The fuck, Zazel? I''m trying to keep you from losing your head!"

    She stops next to me, eyes locked on Raelith. "She''s not going attack me. Well, she won''t kill me, at least. She''s Chaos-aligned."

    "Chaos-aligned?" I blink. "How do you know that?"

    "I''m the Chaos Elemental, you egg. You think I can''t sense my own kind?" She closes her eyes and shakes her head, then points at Raelith''s chest. "Besides, it''s obvious because all Chaos Elementals have a blue stone and blue eyes. Or eye, in this case."

    "What? Why didn''t you tell me that sooner?"

    "You never asked. You''re about as inquisitive as a stump. Maybe you would actually learn something if you didn''t spend every waking moment punching and yelling at everything you see. "

    "Tch, fuck off."

    She shrugs. "At any rate, I''m a little surprised that you''re so concerned. I assumed that you two were about to engage in the Ritual of Release, seeing as you were both naked."

    I look down at myself I totally forgot that I was naked. I can''t remember exactly when my clothes melted off, but I''m pretty sure I''ve never been in my birthday suit for this long.

    "I''m not about to do shit with this crazy bitch. All she wants to do is fight! She won''t go along with my plan to fuck up the Society assholes, and she doesn''t want me to Release her. Besides, she''s too fuckin'' nuts."

    "And since when does being ''nuts'' pose an issue for you, you absolute manic?" She sighs and throws up her hands. "Let me see if I can pick up your slack, Hero."

    "Unfuckingbelievable. If you think you can talk her into it, be my fucking guest."

    "Very well. Just stay back and try not to do anything stupid."

    Raelith looks at Zazel, her eye twinkling with curiosity. "I don''t want to fight a tiny thing like you."

    "Nor do I want to fight a behemoth like you." She bows. "My name is Zazel. I''m the Chaos Elemental, and I''ve been released by the Hero."

    "A fellow Chaos Elemental, eh? Why-"

    "I am the Chaos Elemental. By God''s rules, I am technically your superior, but I find God''s hierarchies and such to be rather revolting. Instead, I would like for you to think of me as..." She scrunches her face and scratches her chin. "Ah, yes," she snaps her fingers, "think of me as your big sister!"

    "Big sister? But you''re so small!"

    Zazel''s lips tighten, but she keeps her voice cordial. "Yes, well, you are so large that you make me look small by comparison."

    Raelith thinks for a second, then nods.

    Zazel clears her throat. "But we''re getting off topic. Because of my position, I think you should believe in me and do as I say. So, I''m asking that you please,listen to my request. I will be very grateful if you do." She clasps her hands and bows again. "Please, will you let the Hero Release you, as I have been Released?"

    Raelith blinks and looks back and forth from me to Zazel. "I don''t like that idea. If the Hero Releases me, I will lose my power, and I won''t be able to fight him as I do now."

    Zazel shakes her head. "There''s a war coming. A terrible organization known as the Liberation Society will come from the Hero''s homeworld, Earth, to attack and take control of Astraea."

    "The Liberation Society..." She looks down, deep in thought. "A war... With the entire world at stake..."

    "That''s right. It will be the biggest, bloodiest battle ever. I need your help to win the day and save Astraea. And to do that, we must fight together."

    "But if I''m Released, I will be too weak to help."

    Zazel shakes her head. "Not so. You will be weaker, yes, but with each Elemental the Hero Releases, you will gain more of your power back. And, as you know, you be able to leave your mountain and work alongside us. I''m sure I don''t have to tell you that there is strength in numbers."

    She nods. " So we will fight together, like an army? I''ve always dreamed of being in a real army, fighting alongside other warriors."

    "Yes! Like an army! Exactly!"

    She grins and nods enthusiastically, her red hair bouncing. "Then, I''ll do it!" She turns to me. "Hero, you have my permission to perform the Release Ritual."

    Zazel sighs in relief, then turns and walks to where I''m standing. "See? Easy. Now that''s how you do things."

    The musclebound Elemental starts to eye me. "It is a shame we''ll no longer be able to fight as we did, but I can''t wait to bleed by your side." She laughs wildly and hoists her huge ax into the air. "WE WILL SLASH AND BURN ASTRAEA''S ENEMIES TOGETHER! AHAHAHAHAAA!"

    Zazel tentatively pumps her fists into the air, gives me a hurried look, and gestures at me to join in.

    "Uh, yeah!" I pump my fists into the air. "We''re gonna fuck em'' up! We''re gonna kick ass and take names!"

    Zazel clears her throat and gestures to Sir Biscuit. "Come on, Sir Biscuit! You''re a member of the team, aren''t you?"

    "Uh, yes! Quite right. We will do great violence upon those who threaten the order of our world! Yeah! Yeah!"

    "WE''RE ALL GOING TO DIE TOGETHER IN A GLORIOUS EXPLOSION OF FIRE, GORE, AND VISCERA!" She laughs and laughs. "AHHAHAHAHAHAH!"

    The three of us stand and laugh and cheer, and try to keep our faces from cracking, while Raelith continues to cackle like a maniac.

    <hr>

    "Well, that was certainly the most raucous Ritual of Release I''ve ever heard," says Zazel. A snarky little smile cracks across her face as Raelith and I emerge from the ruins of the keep. "Do even know what ''discreet'' means?"

    I shrug. "Discretion was never on the menu. You coulda guessed that, genius."

    I look over to Raelith, who has a somewhat pitiful look on her face. She makes eye contact for second, and looks away.

    "Yo, what''s up? Your mood just did a one-eighty."

    "Don''t look at me! I''m- I''m weak!"

    "Yeah, for now. You''ll power up soon ''nuff." I pat her on the shoulder. "You''re still the same size and everything. Trust me, if those Liberation pussies even get a glimpse of you, they''ll shit their pants. Well, maybe not the bots."

    "But I''m not the same! My strength, my power, it''s all gone!"

    "So, you''ll get it back, just like Zazel said. You ain''t got shit to worry about."

    She frowns. "But-!"

    "But nothing. I''m not the kind of guy who breaks his promises. I''ll make sure you get your mojo back."

    She looks up at me with that sad blue eye and softens a bit. "You are too merciful, Hero."

    "But Mercy is my middle name."

    Zazel scoffs.

    I shoot her a look. "Hey, I was just-"

    She rolls her eyes.

    "Whatever. Anyway, let''s pack up and hit the fuckin'' road. We got places to be and-"

    "First, there is quite another matter we must discuss, Hero." says Sir Biscuit, walking forward with determination in its pace.

    "What?" I raise my eyebrow. "Since when do you-"

    Sir Biscuit stops in his tracks and his huge golden armor begins to split and open up, revealing the the person inside: Althea.

    "Althea? What the hell? Why were you hiding in there?"

    Althea steps halfway out of the armor, and pauses to glance at Raelith before stepping out completely. She marches toward me with a glare that could punch through a steel wall.

    Oh, fuck. What now? I''m too tired for another lecture.

    "Yo, Althea, what gives with the-"

    She blinks her war hammer into her hand and points it dead at my face. "Hero! You have violated the terms of our pact! You will answer for your offense!"

 You Cant Make Me

    I stare at her, mouth agape. "What the hell are you talkin'' about!?"

    Her glare intensifies. "I have reason to believe that, during your duel with the Elemental of War, you attempted to take her life. That is a direct violation of our pact!"

    "What fucking pact?"

    "When we first met, you struck a deal with me, a pact -a magical contract and sacred oath- that you swore to uphold."

    My mind flashes back to Althea''s tower. All those Lawyer Knights and form after form after fucking form. And the big, shining one at the end, with all the glowing ink and sparkles.

    "Yeah, I remember now. You told me it was just a vow to protect Astraea until I die or something. You didn''t say nothin'' about any extra rules."

    Althea''s expression sours slightly. "I did not think," her strong, beautiful voice shakes with anger and her eyes flicker as she glares at me, "that I would have to tell the God''s Hero not to kill the people of the world he is supposed to save!"

    I step back slightly. I''ve never seen Althea become angry. I wasn''t even sure she was capable of anger. Now I know.

    I don''t like it.

    "Hero," Althea says, "can you truthfully tell me that you did not try to kill the Elemental of War?"

    I think back to the duel. Raelith''s chestpiece breaking, exposing the stone at the center of her chest. Me, raising a fist, winding up for the killing blow.

    "Uh... No," I say, looking down and away. "No, I can''t. I tried to smash her stone, and- and-"

    "And you would have killed her, if it were not for our pact."

    "Ugh, yeah, maybe. Looks that way."

    "Explain yourself. Now."

    "I dunno, okay?! I got pissed off and took it too far!" I take a deep breath through my nose and try to swallow my anger. "I''m far from fucking proud of it, but there it is..."

    "That''s not good enough." Althea takes another step. The tip of her hammer is inches away from my face. "You cannot kill Elementals. We are a vital part of Astraea. We are fundamental to its growth and continued creation. To wound us is to wound Astraea! To kill us is to kill Astraea!"

    I sigh. "Alright, alright. Point fucking taken. I won''t do it again!"

    "You cannot promise that! You do not have control over that power! You are a living sun that flares violently at the slightest provocation! It is only a matter of time before you lose control again, and you end up killing an innocent!"

    "I''m not gonna let that happen! I''m startin'' to get a grip on my powers, I just need a little more time! "

    "And how many more will suffer before you finally ''get a grip''?" Althea turns to Raelith, hammer still pointed firmly at me. "War! Are you not disturbed by the Hero''s actions? Will you demand no apology or retribution?"

    Raelith, folds her arms and shakes her head. "My duel with the Hero was the most beautiful thing I have ever experienced. It was not supposed to be a battle to the death but..." She smiles and licks her lips, as she begins to stare past us.

    Me, Althea, and Zazel just stare at her as her mind apparently takes her to someplace pleasant.

    Althea turns her attention to Zazel. "And what say you, Chaos? I suppose you might approve of the Hero''s actions, given your constant cynicism toward God''s laws and creations. But even you can see how the Hero endangers us with his uncontrollable power. Surely you at least care to preserve yourself, if nothing else."

    Zazel scoffs. "The sausage is dangerous, to be sure, but that''s exactly why we need him! When the Society does invade Astraea, he''ll be the strongest weapon we have to defend the world!"

    Althea continues to stare.

    "Besides, what do you propose to do? The Hero has stated on multiple occasions that the three of us are necessary to save our world, yes? It''s not like we can execute him."

    "Of course I''m not suggesting execution, but are you suggesting we should do nothing? Wait until he goes too far and does something irrevocable?"

    "I''m not suggesting anything. I''m saying that he has the power and he can do what he wants, so this whole discussion is more or less pointless, in my view."

    Althea stares, her jaw clenching.

    "And you have to admit," Zazel goes on, "he''s the most exciting and interesting phenomenon to ever happen on this world. And I''m actually quite willing to risk getting scattered to the four corners of Astraea for some entertainment and a taste of something resembling freedom."

    Althea''s gaze intensifies. "Fool! We cannot allow the Hero to use this contemptible power any longer! It taps into the darkest part of the his soul, harms him and threatens to destroy everything else! I refuse to indulge this ongoing display of destruction and masochism for even one more second!"

    Zazel looks up for a second, rubbing her chin. "But what about the pact you, the paragon of righteousness and virtue, tricked him into? Surely that would be enough to keep him from committing anything too egregious-"

    "I didn''t trick him! And I never, ever thought that I would have explain to God''s Hero that killing the people he''s been commanded to protect is unacceptable! Anyone who would agree to pledge themselves to the defense of Astraea would be able to agree to that with no issue!"

    "I suppose so... But if the pact has the ability to restrain him, there should be nothing to worry about. Brisket will be able to use his powers, and we will not be endangered." Zazel spreads her arms out. "Everyone wins."

    "No, no one will win! Do you not remember what happened when we fought that disgusting abomination of yours? The pact magic doesn''t prevent collateral or accidental death! And at this rate, it is quite likely that the Hero''s power will eventually be able to overcome the pact''s enchantment!"

    Zazel scowls, "I suppose you may have something that looks like a point, but you''d do well to not insult my babies."

    I feel a brief surge of wild energy come from Zazel.

    Fuck, they''d better not start fighting.

    "Hmph," Althea grunts as she turns back to me. She stares, her eyes flickering; her jaw and lips tight as steel.

    I stare right the fuck back. I fucked up bad, but I won''t be treated like a fucking monster. It''s not my fault. I was thrown into this shit by God just like everyone else, and I''m doing my fucking best to make it all work out.

    Did you know this story is from Royal Road? Read the official version for free and support the author.

    "So, Hero? Have you nothing to say for yourself?"

    I don''t break eye contact, not even for a moment. "I don''t know what to tell you. I''m human, a fuckin'' animal. I can''t just flip a switch and make myself stop. "

    Althea frowns slightly. "I see." Her tone drops, and her voice becomes more cold and distant.

    Judgy bitch. I feel my rage begin to rumble, like an upset stomach threatening hit me with a blast of acid reflux.

    "Okay, Althea. First of all, get this shit," I grab and yank her war hammer out of her hand, "out of my fucking face!"

    "Hey!" She steps back a couple of paces and blinks it back to her hand, but she stops pointing it at me. The cold, resentful staring continues though.

    "Second, you need to fucking chill out with these bullshit expectations! I didn''t choose this power, the Hero Pendant forced it on me! I''m doing the best I can with what God gave me! I was just a factory worker trying to keep my head above the water before my psycho ex cut my nuts off and watched me bleed to death! And then God sent me to this flat fucking excuse for a world with nothing but a cryptic prophecy, some vague bullshit instructions, and a pendant that forced me to use my one and only Archetype change to become a fucking Terminator with a sun for a heart! So excuse my motherfuckin'' ass if I haven''t mastered the darkness in my soul and the concentrated power of a star made of pure rage over the course of four fucking days!"

    She blinks, but continues to stare at me, coldly as my voice echos and reverberates off the busted, crater-covered mountain.

    Everyone is dead silent. Even the wind stops blowing.

    Athea is frozen, but I can see the emotion stirring behind her eyes.

    I take a step forward, and swallow some of my own emotion. "And third, you told me you believed in me." I try not to yell. "And you told me that God chose me for a reason. That He wouldn''t have chosen me if he thought I was going to fuck everything up. What happened to that?"

    "Oh, I see," Zazel cuts in, "our straight and narrow crusader is having a crisis of faith."

    I shoot Zazel a shut-the-fuck-up look. She says nothing more, but she keeps the cocky smirk.

    "Althea?" I look at her expectantly.

    "I am not having issues with my beliefs. I believe in God''s choice, even now." Her face softens. "And you''re right, Hero. I did say I believed in you. But that was before I witnessed the the enormity of your power, and your equally severe lack of control."

    "I told you! I''m working on it!"

    "I believe that you are sincere when you say that. I''ve felt the honesty and convictions behind your words many times over. I know you truly want to protect us and save the Astraea; of this, there is no doubt in my mind."

    "So? What''s your problem then?"

    "It is not my problem -it is yours, Hero. You have been corrupted by something dark, foul, and vengeful. I have felt it since the very moment you first set foot in my domain. It is inside you, and it is growing. It wants to lash out and destroy everything around it. It wants to kill and consume, and it will eventually find a way to overcome the constraints of our pact. Your power will consume you, and then you will consume us all."

    "The fuck?!" I growl . "So, what? You think the Hero Pendant put some kind of uncontrollable demon inside me or something?"

    Althea shakes her head slowly, almost pitifully, and turns her back to me. "No, Hero. You cannot blame God, the Hero Pendant, the Liberation Society, or even the cruel circumstances of your life on this deep-"

    "I told you," I say through my teeth, "I didn''t fucking choose this!"

    "Perhaps not consciously," Athea''s voice is clear, calm, and morose. "Chaos and I both told you that only the Hero can choose his Archetype." Althea turns slightly back toward me, and looks at me through the corner of her eye. "One way or another, you did choose this, Hero."

    "Shut up!" I clench my fists. I''m fucking shaking. "You don''t know a fucking thing about me!"

    "I know enough. But I would like to know more."

    "The fuck is that supposed to mean?"

    Althea turns back around. "Hero, I will give you just one more chance to honor my request. For the last time, I ask you to confess."

    "I already apologized! Raelith doesn''t even care, anyway."

    "That is not what I mean. When we first met, I said you should give a confession. At first, I thought whatever was addling you had to do with your anger, but your anger is covering up something else. You feel guilt and shame about something that happened in your past. And I suspect it has something to do with the fact that you knew my True Name before we met."

    Zazel perks up at this. "Hm. You''re more perceptive than I gave you credit for, Order. He knew my True Name beforehand as well, so I have similar suspicions. He may not be lying to us, but the egg knows something we don''t."

    Althea nods in agreement. "So I ask again, Hero. Confess."

    I look back at forth between the two of them. They''re serious as a fucking heart attack.

    My mind races. I remember the daze I was in when I first came to Astraea. The wonder, the adventure, and the magic. I see the colors, the trees, and the strange and beautiful animals. I remember Althea in her white dress, and Zazel in no dress at all. The hot spring, oh God, the hot spring. There''s food, and drink, and weird little potions and spells. And the Dice. Those motherfucking Dice.

    I remember the mountain. Not as it is, but as it was: a giant, towering death trap. I was careless and cocky. I''d spent too much time drinking and fucking and not enough time planning and training. And everyone paid the price.

    The two truest friends I had ever had, the two people in my life who had never let me down even once. Even Mom and Dad, who I loved with all my heart, couldn''t claim a perfect record. But I lead Althea and Zazel to their deaths because I didn''t take responsibility and too the easy way by relying on the Dice too much.

    I can hear God''s admonishment in my head again; pounding my soul with the force of His divine indignation. I had been given one of the greatest rewards a man could ask for: a meaningful life. But I pissed it away like cheap booze after a shitty party.

    OH, ARE YOU FEELING SORRY FOR YOURSELF, YOU LITTLE SACK OF DOGSHIT? MAN THE FUCK UP!

    "Shut up! Shut up! Shut the fuck up!"

    I look around, and he see dark blurs and shapes all around me. "Hey! Yo, this isn''t-" I''m breathing hard and fast, trying to figure out what is going on.

    The streaks and blobs coalesce and become clear and whole. Althea, Zazel, and Raelith stare at me with unease and concern on their faces.

    "Hey," I say, trying to calm myself down.

    "Are you quite alright?" Zazel steps forward and peers into my eyes.

    I step back and wave my hand in front of her face. "Yeah, I guess. I think. I dunno."

    Althea''s face is a mixture of pity and disgust. "Hero, you must confess. This cannot continue. You must-"

    My fists clench. "I told you, there''s nothing to confess!"

    "You continue to deceive yourself. You cannot hide from your sins."

    "Fuck you! I''ve done nothing wrong! Nothing! I''m a fuckin'' victim in all this!"

    I feel my rage creeping up fast. But Althea relaxes and backs off. She turns away from me again, facing toward the plains, under the mountain, now bathed in the dim blue-grey light of a cloudy, early morning sky.

    "Hero, if you do not wish to confess, I cannot make you."

    "Yeah, you got that right..."

    She is quiet for a moment, and she hangs her head slightly. "If that is how you feel, then," she takes a deep breath. "Hero, from this moment on, I relieve myself of duty as a guide to God''s Hero."

    My jaw drops. "What?"

    Zazel scoffs and Raelith shakes her head.

    "I have decided to return to my domain," she says, her voice is calm, but a little shaky.

    "You''re just gonna take off? What about about the Society? God said we need Chaos and Order!"

    "Indeed. And when the time comes to fight the invaders, I will come to your aid. I will not abandon my duty to maintain the order of Astraea, but I cannot be at your side any longer."

    "Wha- what do you mean? You promised to help me fight the Limp Dicks!"

    "Yes, and I will honor that promise, and fight at your side against the Liberation Society, when they come. But I will not journey with you anymore.

    "Why? Why the fuck not?!"

    She spins around. "Fool! It is because you are more of a danger to us than anything else! At this rate, we are more likely to be killed by you than the Society or any other threat! You cannot contain your power or the darkness in your heart!" She turns back around. "And it pains me to see you suffer like this! This is goodbye, Hero!"

    I stand in utter disbelief. I''m frozen, and I''m not even sure if what is happening before me is truly real. I can do nothing but stare as Althea hops back inside of Sir Biscuit and marches back down the mountain.

    "Yo, wait!" I yell after her. I take a step, and feel Zazel''s hand on my arm.

    "Let her go. There''s nothing more to be said."

    I yank my arm away. "The fuck are you doing? We gotta go after her! I can''t fucking lose her!"

    "And what would you do? Tie her up and carry her back to the house? She''s clearly not going anywhere with you."

    "Yes," Raelith nods. "Besides, I don''t want to fight alongside a coward who is afraid of her own allies."

    I stare down the mountain, watching as the golden suit of armor gradually disappears into the thickening fog below. With every second, my anger builds and builds and builds and builds and-

    "AAAARRRHHGGGHH!" I strike out a nearby boulder, shattering it into a million fucking pieces with thunderous concussive blast. "GOD! FUCKING! DAMMIT!"

 Safari or Buffet?

    I storm down the mountain without a word. I don''t know where I''m gonna get more clothes, I don''t know which way my house is, and I have no fucking idea what I''m going to do next.

    There''s only thing I know for sure: I want off this goddamned mountain.

    The sky is a solid, dull grey, and the fog thickens the closer to the ground I get.

    Kicking up dirt and pebbles as a go, I stomp ahead, leaving the two shouting and squawking Elementals behind me. I ain''t in the mood for company.

    I never thought Althea would leave. Never even considered the possibility. After all that big fucking talk about God and order and duty, she ups and leaves after just one fuck up. Fucking hypocritical bitch.

    The fog gets thicker, but I don''t care. Fists clenched, I stomp down the mountain, barely noticing as I step on bits of broken iron and smoldering embers here and there.

    Fuck her. I don''t need her or her stupid ass knights or retarded frilly-ass lawyers. All she does is bitch and complain about everyone''s behavior and gets on my ass for making use of the best shot we have to smash the Limp Dicks. And what''s your big idea, Althea? What''s your mighty gambit to crush the army of robots and and cultists? You gonna lecture them to death? Heal them until they beg for mercy? Let them hit your shield until they give up and go home? Maybe you should pray to God for a new brain, dumbass.

    "Hey, Beautiful! Wait up!" Raelith yells, her voice echoing through the fog.

    "I demand that you slow down immediately, you naked cretin!" Yells Zazel, her voice carrying less than Raelith''s.

    Whatever. I''m better off without her. If she''s not around, I can fight the way I want without getting nagged at every two seconds. Plus, I don''t have to listen to her and Zazel bicker and argue every two fucking seconds. I need some fucking peace in my life.

    I keep stomping, ignoring the cries of the birds and other critters around me, and blocking out the increasingly noisy-ass Elementals tailing me. I stomp all the way down the mountain and keep going as the foothills meld into the misty, grassy plains.

    My mind races, and my body heats up. I can see Althea in my mind, clear as day. Her beautiful, angelic face is scrunched and scowling, her eyes flickering and her hammer pointed right at me. She''s telling me that I''m wrong, and I''m dangerous. I''m a threat. A monster. I can feel the anger and resentment radiating from her.

    My fists are clenched, and I''m practically grinding my teeth down to dust. I''m grinding them so hard, it feeling like the earth is rumbling.

    Wait, that''s not my teeth.

    Grinding dirt as I twist around, I see Zazel riding full bore on her Butt Slug and Raelith standing on some big metal thing that looks like a spiky iron raft with wheels. She jerks her arms here and there as she steers it with something that looks like an over-sized gearshift.

    Huh? Where the hell did she get... A car?

    My anger and inner turmoil go on the back burner as I watch and wait for the two of them catch up with me.

    "Yo, Raelith," I shout, "where''d you get a car?"

    "Eh? What''s a ''car''?"

    "The thing you''re riding."

    "Oh, this?" Her smile melts a little. "It is a war machine. I made it with my magic."

    "Your magic?"

    "Yes, I have a spell that allows me to make constructs of war, but," her smile melts completely, "this was the best I could manage with- With my current level of power..."

    Don''t tell me she''s gonna start crying. "Yeah, but, um, I think it''s pretty good! I mean, it''s got wheels and everything, right?" I look back at the Slug. "Shit, it''s a lot better than... Whatever the hell that is."

    "Hey! These are my babies!" Zazel snarls childishly. "Though, I could make something even more glorious than this, but you killed almost all of my little preciouses, and you haven''t replaced any of them yet!" She points one of her sharp black nails at me. "I demand recompense, you sausage!"

    "Shit. We do need more Thralls, I guess. I killed all of Raelith''s Bastards too."

    Raelith''s face scrunches confusedly. "Bastards? What Bastards?"

    "You know, your little dumbass metal goblin-looking things that you had shooting and throwing all that shit at me. I guess they were your Thralls, yeah?"

    She laughs. "Yes, they skewered you beautifully."

    "Yeah, well, it wasn''t beautiful to me. That shit hurt."

    She shrugs, a smug smile sneaking onto her face. "Such is the way of battle. But I quite like this ''Bastard'' thing you''ve come up with. Or maybe, War Bastard is better. Yes, that''s it. Adds a bit of meat to it."

    "Tch. Call ''em whatever you want. Anyway, I guess we need to make more of them. No rest for the fucking weary."

    "Hmph," Zazel snorts, "don''t pretend like you don''t enjoy the process. My understanding is that you humans really can''t get enough of that sort of thing. And it definitely shows when-"

    "I am not talking about this right now. And nobody is gettin'' nothin'' until I''ve had some jerky and some fucking rest. I haven''t slept in almost five days, and I deserve a catnap, at the very least. Even if I can''t sleep, want to pretend to sleep."

    Raelith makes a confused noise. "Why can''t you sleep?"

    "I dunno. I don''t really feel tired most of the time, maybe because of my powers. But I miss sleeping; it''s weird being awake all the time." I shrug. "But, I''m not gonna think about that right now, because I''m going home, taking a bath, and having a fucking nap. In fact, I think I''ll take it easy for a while and ride with Raelith."

    "What about me, brisket? Is my steed not glorious enough for the great Hero?"

    I look at the slimy, tar-like creature, and my face tightens as I see the dozens of amber-yellow eyes shifting around just under its gelatinous skin. Each time one shifts to another part it makes a gelatinous, meaty sound that makes my stomach churn slightly.

    Raelith nods at me as I sit down on her little land raft.

    "Pearls before swine," Zazel scoffs.

    <hr>

    We ride for a bit, and we don''t talk much. But the time passes fast enough to be enjoyable, or at least not stressful. After a few minutes, the mist and fog start to lift, and I see something that takes my mind off of Althea for a while: a whole bunch of different animals running around. And I''m not talking about the tiny insects, rodents, and birds that I''ve come across already, but real big mammals like the ones I used to look at in my parents'' old animal encyclopedia.

    Unauthorized duplication: this narrative has been taken without consent. Report sightings.

    I spent my short childhood on my farm, and like my parents, I''ve been a fan of animals ever since I can remember. I feel a nostalgic, childlike sense of wonder and amazement with each new little creature we ride past. I don''t really get a good look at most of them, because they''re small and we''re fast, but it''s fun all the same.

    But I almost jump up from my seat when I spot few tall, giraffe-like creatures with long necks with glossy white fur. There are about five of them moseying around and eating little purple fruits from a cluster of trees. I''m pretty impressed by how clean and shiny and their fur is and by the long, pointy horn on each of their heads.

    "Holy shit! Zazel, Raelith, take a look at those big fuckers over there!"

    "I have eyes, too, egg! And I would preserve them by not staring at that garish white color of theirs!"

    "Yeah, and they are too lean," Raelith adds, "the meat would be chewy and tasteless."

    My jaw drops. "What? No. Fuck. You gotta appreciate the majesty of animals like that! They''re huge, graceful, and beautiful!"

    "Beautiful? What about you appreciates beauty?" Zazel sneers. "You, who is always covered in dirt and blood and who is constantly spouting profanities?"

    "Whatever."

    At one point, two of them gently cross horns for a moment, and then look our way. They watch us roll past them for a moment before they take off galloping, their silvery manes trailing and waving beautifully in the air behind them.

    Mom and dad would have loved to see those things.

    At another point, a couple dozen flying creatures swoop over our heads, making strange, playful mewling sounds as they fly past us. They about the size of a small dog or a big house cat, with long thick tails, bright red, green, orange, or purple fur, and large, feathery wings.

    They look like cats with wings. No, maybe dogs. Or dog-cats. Or bears. Little bears with long tails, chicken wings and dog ears. Shit, I dunno.

    They fly in circles around us at a safe distance and make funny little noises that sound like a house cat snickering. This goes on for a little while, with some landing occasionally to enjoy a quick burst of horseplay before taking off again.

    They look like mammals, but they have bird wings. Do they lay eggs, or have babies?

    "UGH! Vile pests," Raelith roars, "you dare make a mockery of us!?"

    Before I can even open my mouth, she summons and hurls a huge-ass, spiky iron morning star into the mass of them. They''re quick little bastards, though, and they scatter and take off in a panicked explosion of fur and feathers before the enormous weapon even hits the ground.

    Zazel bursts out laughing from on top her slimy ride. "Glorious, my dear little sister! I was just about to do something myself!"

    "Fuck that," I say, "they''re adorable! Raelith, you didn''t have to do that."

    "I did," she says flatly, "I will not tolerate any amount of psychological warfare levied against us by even the most pathetic and crushable of creatures!"

    "Dude, I think they were just playing."

    "This time, perhaps."

    We continue to ride through the now-lush and colorful plains and fields, making what at least feels like good progress. However, we don''t spot any more animals. But just when I think Raelith spooked away every living thing on Astraea, I spot something near the treeline of a thick grove of purple trees.

    Whoa, those are some big boys!

    The furry mint-green creatures, each about as big as van, nibble lazily at the nearby grass and bushes. They look a hell of a lot like guinea pigs, but they have floppy dog-like ears, and thick tufts of wavy white hair on their chests, and fluffy white tails that bob and curls like crazy.

    They''re pretty damned cute. But I''d better keep my mouth shut or else Raelith might-

    "Hey, Beautiful! I''ve spotted our dinner!" Raelith makes a sharp turn toward the herd, causing me to almost fall of our ride.

    "Raelith, what the fuck, wait!" I shout as I sit back up. She''s already rolling toward the big guinea pig things. I look back at Zazel, and she''s grinning like a maniac.

    Oh fuck.

    The creatures hear us coming -how could they fucking not- and slowly raise and turn their heads toward us, still chewing away. Then, in the flash an eye, the whole gaggle of them blast into the treeline and out of view, kicking up a shit ton of soil and grass and knocking down an bunch of trees in the process. We skid to a halt, and watch the last of them disappear into the forest.

    "Curse it all!" shouts Raelith, throwing aside some kind of huge sword. "If I still had all of my power, I would have skewered and cooked them all in a single strike!"

    I sigh. "Yeah, well you don''t. And I don''t want dress and butcher some huge fucking animals in the middle of nowhere anyway, especially when we have perfectly good food waiting for us at home."

    "I suppose the egg makes a reasonable point for once," Zazel chimes in, "and I quite prefer my own snacks. The taste of meat is too monotonous to be enjoyable in such a massive volume."

    Raelith spits, and turns around the land raft.

    As we roll along in relative silence, I calm down and relax a bit. As my stress levels go from boil to simmer, I start to feel a little hungry.

    Although it would be totally fucked to kill such cute animals for food, I love jerky, but it would be nice to try something fresh for a change. At least if I hunted the animal myself, I would know where the hell it''s coming from, unlike the jerky and weird-ass appetizers from my infinite pantry.

    I''m sure as hell not gonna complain about free meat; the jerky sure tastes great. But something tells me that it isn''t just plain ol'' cow.

    <hr>

    Almost as if mirroring the animals, the natural environment shows signs of evolution and progress, and it''s starting to actually look like a real, legit world instead some sort of flat, uninspired hyper-realistic video game. It''s becoming properly beautiful; more lush and colorful.

    Beautiful as it is, though, I stop appreciating it about thirty minutes after the assault on the green guinea pigs when we have to to find a detour around a stupid-ass marsh that wasn''t there before. That annoying piece of shit aside, Raelith''s janky ride proves to be dependable enough, and by the time we spot my house sitting cozily in a grove on the horizon, the sun is still high above our heads.

    Finally. I can eat some jerky and get some booze in me. Can''t even get buzzed these days, but it''s the thought that-

    Raelith warps a huge glowing red iron hammer into her hand as hits the ''gas'' hard. "Beautiful! An interloper lays siege on your estate! We will make them bleed!"

    I snap back to attention and squint toward my place as we speed forward. Sure as shit, it looks like some one is over there, fucking with my house. "What the fuck? Are the Limp Dicks-"

    "Hey!" Zazel''s voice fades as we leave her in the dust. "What are you idiots-!"

    "SMASH AND CRUSH!" Raelith roars, shaking her over-sized hammer. "SMAAASH AND CRUUUSH!"

    As we get closer, I get a better look at the trespasser, and realize it''s not a robot, or a cultist. It''s a person. A woman. And she''s not fucking with my house. She''s sweeping the little cobblestone path leading up to it.

    "Hey," I say to Raelith, "I don''t think-"

    "YOU WILL KNOW PAIN!"

    The woman stops sweeping and looks our way.

    "Hold up! I don''t think she''s an enemy!"

    "RRRAAHHH!"

    The purple-haired woman''s eyes widen and her jaw drops as we close the distance. She drops her broom and scrambles away like a frightened cat.

    "Yo, stop!" I shout, clutching at Raelith''s driving arm.

    "I AM THE HAMMER!" She screams. "AND YOU ARE THE NAIL!" Raelith swings her pig crusher wide, and I brace for a brutal splattering, but the lady dives, and the mass of destruction passes over her with a heavy, but harmless ''woosh''.

    The woman stays on the ground, ass in the air, covering her head and cowering. We pass by her and hit a huge pothole. Raelith''s jankass contraption tips and launches me into the air. I land on the grass a few feet away and watch the metal wagon tumble, bounce, and skid a dozen meters, sending up dirt, grass and metal shavings all the way. It comes to a rest, and Raelith stands up on it and raises her hammer in the air.

    "VICTORY WILL BE MINE!" Raelith bursts forward in mad sprint, hammer trailing through the air above her as she charges back.

    The woman, who is dressed in a purple maid''s uniform, looks at Raelith, and the haphazard mess of twisted steel and bent iron. Her face is the very definition of cowardice. She then suddenly turns her attention to me, looking up her bright emerald green eyes wide and flickering as she takes me in.

    "M-Master!?"

    "RAAAGGHHH!" Raelith ain''t stopping.

    I push myself up and run between them. The woman keeps backing away, quivering and clutching her chest, but the muscles-for-brains Elemental keeps pounding toward us.

    "RAELITH, STOP!"

    The Elemental of War skids to a halt, staring at me in utter confusion. "Huh?"

    I point to the woman. "Chill! She''s gonna have a heart attack if you keep that shit up!"

    "Hm?" Raelith studies the woman, her face twisting as she apparently does kind of hard, demented math in her head. "Hmph," she frowns and dismisses her hammer with a little blink of red light. "How many cowards must I endure this day?"

    The quivering mess, stands, folds her hands in front of herself, puts her legs together, and bows deeply toward Raelith. "I-I-I apologize for any perceived offense! I am truly, truly sorry! Please don''t hurt me!"

    Raelith spits.

    I turn back to the maid, who straightens up and bows again. "Okay, lady. Who-"

    Zazel arrives on her Butt Slug, sliding to a halt. "What are you absolute creatures doing!? How dare you horde all the fun for yourselves!" She slides off her gooey mount and points a finger at the maid. "And you! Who are you, and under what pretense-"

    "Cool your jets, Zazel. I was just asking her," I turn back to the woman. "So? Who the hell are you?"

    The purple-haired woman bows deeply again, and stays that way. "I am sorry, Master! And to you as well, Madam!" She turns to Raelith. "And you, Madam!"

    I raise eyebrow. "Why are you calling me ''Master''? I don''t remember havin'' no slaves."

    She stands up straight again, and looks at me. "Indeed, for I am no slave. I am Domina, the Elemental of House and Home, Master! I am here to assist you in all things domestic!"

 The Elemental of House and Home

    I stare at the strange, purple-haired woman. She''s decked out in a cute, but professional maid outfit that matches her hair, aside from her apron and the frilly little hairband thing that maids on their heads and her apron, which are white.

    Her apron is loaded with pockets, which are stuffed to the gills with every imaginable household item and utensil: a duster, a whisk, a ladle, a spatula, a bunch of rags, a hammer, a screwdriver, a wrench, a bunch of bottles, a small broom, a box of matches, some scissors, a tape measure, and a slew of other things that I can''t quite make out.

    She looks at me with a smile on her face and her bright green eyes shining. I look over my shoulder at the others. Raelith shrugs, and Zazel strokes her chin thoughtfully.

    "Her green eyes suggest she has a Neutral alignment," Zazel says, "but what is she doing here? Althea, Raelith, and I are the only ones you''ve Released so far, yes?"

    I nod. "Yeah, that''s what I''m wondering. So, what''s your story?"

    "It''s quite a simple one. I am a purpose-made Elemental who has been created by God to manage the mundane, day-to-day affairs of the Hero. That''s you, Master!"

    "Yeah, yeah, I got that part."

    "Wait," Zazel interjects, "why are did you not appear until just now? And why didn''t you have to be Released?"

    "Excellent questions, Madam. In truth, I have been here only since a short time before the Hero arrived, as per our Lord''s desire. However, due to the lack of mana at that time, I could not maintain the Hero''s home as well as a corporeal form for myself."

    "Hmm.. That is interesting. Most interesting." A sick little smile forms on her face as she thoughtfully fingers her cheek.

    "As for your your other insightful question," Domina continues, "I am not a Reservoir and thus not bound to a Domain, therefore, I do not require Release."

    Zazel nods slowly. "I see. The Elemental of House and Home, eh?"

    "Indeed, Madam. I exist to make Master comfortable and happy in his home and his daily life."

    "And you say God created you for this task?"

    "Yes, Madam." Domina bows. "It is my greatest pleasure to serve my Master."

    "Ah, I see." Zazel''s smirk widens. "How truly interesting."

    Domina smiles at her. "I''m glad to hear that, Madam."

    "So," I cut in, "you''ve been here the entire time, but I couldn''t see you until now."

    "That''s right, Master! I was doing as much I could for you in my incorporeal form, such as repairs, cleaning, and restocking."

    "Huh. I just thought all that was because it was a magic house or something. I never would have guessed an Elemental was refilling my jerky supply."

    "Yes, that was me, Master! And, now that I have a body, I can do even more for you!"

    Raelith snorts and Zazel stifles a laugh.

    "So, Domina, is it?"

    Domina nods vigorously. "That''s right, Master. And I will call you ''Master'', unless you prefer something else."

    "Uh, no, that''s fine." I scratch the back of my head, and look around. "So, you have been keeping up with my house while we were gone, right?"

    "Indeed, Master! Your home is sparkling, the pantry is full, and I have even made a few improvements, such as enlarging your house to accommodate you and the others!"

    I look over to my place, and realize it has gotten a lot bigger and nicer looking since we were gone. It looks a lot like that old house from Home Alone, but more like some old timey inn, or maybe a like a smaller version of one of those mansions from the British romances my mom used to watch.

    "Huh, it does look a bit nicer now. Thanks."

    "You''re quite welcome, Master! It was my pleasure! And now that you are all back, I would love to make you all a fresh meal! You must be hungry and tired."

    I smile. "Add some booze to the mix, and I''m down."

    ---

    The inside of my revamped pad is crazy fancy now. The entrance has a foyer -a word Domina teaches me- with a polished wooden floor that''s partly covered by a huge red rug. There''s a fancy staircase that leads upstairs to the bedrooms and a big dining room to my left.

    We go into the dining area, and my eyes immediately shoot to fat, fancy plate of dried meats and cheeses on the a long dining table. I grab a fistful and shove it in my mouth. It''s really fucking good, and a few notches better than my usual jerky.

    The place has a bunch of nice wooden chairs that are padded with fluffy-looking cushions, a fireplace, a bunch of cabinets, and a massive table covered in a white table cloth.

    Zazel and Raelith file in behind me, and the three of us plop down in one of the cozy chairs, and we all take a huge sigh of relief. Feels nice to sit on something soft.

    In seconds, Domina returns from the kitchen and bows to us. "All is in order, and I will prepare lunch now."

    My stomach rumbles. "Shit, yeah, I''m totally ready."

    Zazel and Raelith nod and make noises of agreement.

    Domina smiles at me and then looks at the others. "Madam Chaos would have... Her personal snacks, wine, and mixed hors d''oeuvres."

    Zazel smiles. "Yes, quite so."

    Domina looks at Raelith. "...Ale and roast haunch -extra rare- for Madam War, yes."

    Raelith raises an eye brow for a second, then smiles and nods.

    "And Master will have more dried meats and cheeses... As well as the strongest alcoholic beverage we have."

    I blink. "Uh, yeah. How did you know?"

    Domina smiles. "I am the Elemental of House and Home, Master. I am familiar with the Hero''s tastes, and indeed all members of this household."

    "Nice. I like you already."

    "Thank you, Master." Domina bows politely, then claps her hands five times in a row. On the final clap, there are five little flares of dull purple light, and five perfect clones of the Elemental appear.

    "Oh, shit." I mutter.

    "Okay, team," She shouts to her other selves, her voice deepening like she''s some kind of coach or drill sergeant from a movie, "the Hero and his allies need sustenance and they need it on the double! We''re also gonna need to prepare a bath." She snaps a finger at the one furthest back. "And you! Fetch a robe for the Hero! Would you have our Master eat his meal naked?"

    "Boss!" The five clones shout in unison as the turn and march to the kitchen with military precision.

    I whistle, and Zazel and Raelith both nod. We sit back and relax and enjoy our tea and snacks.

    I lean back and close my eyes. A hot bath and a nice, home-cooked meal. Now that''s what the fuck I''m talkin'' about.

    ---

    I��ve always loved my mom''s cooking, but I have to be honest with myself: Domina beats her by a mile. Everything she brings out, from the appetizers to the main course and the desserts, are pretty much the best food I''ve ever had. It looks even better than the food I saw on that reality show about the that fatass rich family from Central.

    Zazel''s plate looks like a rainbow of food served on a sparkling silver dish, and Raelith''s savory red haunch of whatever the hell kind of animal she wrangled is as mouth-watering as it is huge.

    I ask Raelith for some and she gives me this how-fucking-dare-you look before reluctantly ripping off a piece and tossing it across the table to me.

    I snatch it out of the air and take a bite. I can''t remember the last time I had fresh meat, -it''s too expensive and even illegal in a lot of places back on Earth- but it tastes savory and fresh. I love it, even if it''s tough as hell.

    Just as I finish my second cup of red wine -still not so much as a buzz- Domina emerges from the back, cradling a small barrel in her arms. She sets it on the table, and I realize it''s a little keg.

    "Domina, what''s that?"

    "Beer, Master. It''s the strongest I have available."

    "Hmm. What is it?"

    "It''s an alcoholic beverage made from grains, Master."

    "I know that. But what is the beer? Like, what kind?"

    "It is a dark, malty brew, Master. A highly concentrated lager."

    "Hm." I don''t know shit about beer. "Might as well; this wine don''t do shit for me."

    She places the little barrel on the table and pulls a big, shiny glass mug from the depths of her apron.

    I hold up my hand. "Fuck it. I''mma drink it straight from the keg."

    "As you wish." She takes a little tap and a hammer from her pocket and taps the keg without any apparent effort.

    This book was originally published on Royal Road. Check it out there for the real experience.

    She places it in front of me, and I lift the cold, heavy thing, and take a swig.

    "Holy shit!"

    It''s cold and thick, but refreshing. It''s malty and rich, and kinda bitter and spicy. And it''s got a kick. A big kick.

    "This is the best booze I''ve ever drank! And it''s damn strong. No way am I gonna be sober after I finish this."

    As lift the barrel and suck on the tap, I catch Zazel giving me a naughty, sneaky look.

    "You know, brisket," she says, fingering a weird triangle-shaped fruit, "if you really want to lose yourself for a while, I could always make my special concoction again."

    I furrow my brow and narrow my eyes at her as I continue to drain the barrel. I wait until I''m sucking air, then I plop the barrel down on the table. "Hell no! Ain''t doin'' that shit ever again." I wipe my lips and cough. "Damn, that''s some strong-ass drink right there."

    Zazel smiles, and Raelith, having already eaten most of her meal, leans back in her chair and belches loud and long before going back in to finish it off. Zazel shakes her head and laughs, and Domina smiles at the big Elemental.

    As we feast, we make a bunch of small talk, mostly about the animals we saw earlier. There''s a friendly little debate about how each one would taste and which one would make the best pet. But there''s one animal that no one wants to talk about: the elephant in the room, Althea.

    There are few empty chairs in the room, and Althea should be sitting in one of them, telling us to chew with our mouths closed and to hold off on the booze. But no one brings her up, and, at least for now, I am completely fine with that. I am not nearly drunk enough to want to start talking about all that again. And, after a long ass time waiting for some sort of sensation, I realize I not going to be.

    The booze isn''t working. At all. A normal dude could get drunk off the fumes of that brew I guzzled. But for me, it might as well have been well water.

    The Domina, almost as if sensing my mood slipping, gently steps forward leans in gently. "Master, your bath is ready. Perhaps you would like to go relax?"

    I stand and stretch. "Shit, yeah. A nice, relaxing soak sounds good right about now."

    "Excellent, Master. I will lead you to the bath. I believe you will be pleased with the renovations."

    "Uh, sure."

    Zazel and Raelith stand and do some stretching of their own.

    "I will take mine after, I suppose." Zazel says.

    "A bath, huh?" Raelith sounds like she''s recalling some distant childhood memory. "I suppose it might be nice. Good for the muscles. Make mine extra hot!"

    Domina eyes them, then me. I swear I almost see a smile creep up. "I''m quite pleased to serve you all in any way you wish, but with the new improvements to the bathroom, there is no need for you to bathe separately. Why not rejuvenate yourselves and spend a moment of bonding together? As allies, I mean."

    Raelith sniffs. "Hmph. I suppose that sounds acceptable. What say you, Chaos?"

    "Yes, yes, I agree. Besides, we must discuss a great number of things of import, and I would prefer to be relaxed while doing so. And we can make Thralls without our nostrils being assaulted by the usual stench."

    "What? We don��t need to bathe together." I hold out my palms. "Can''t a man get fifteen minutes alone?"

    Zazel puts her hand on her hips and makes a face like she''s trying not to reach out and punch me in the arm.

    "Really? You can''t wait for me to get clean before we talk?"

    She scowls a bit more, then shakes her head. "Very well. But I will have my due recompense. You can''t avoid making Thralls forever, especially with those Society people on the way."

    "I just wanna take a bath without hearing motherfuckers lecture or squawk at me!" The anger is rumbling up again. I take a breath and push it down. "Domina, how about that bath?"

    "Right this way, Master."

    ��Tch, you absolute egg.�� scoffs Zazel. ��At least be quick about it, then.��

    Domina leads me up the staircase and down a hallway. I can barely recognize my own home, and I makes me wonder what will happen when I release all of the Elementals. Maybe it will turn into a huge compound, or maybe even a whole town.

    "Here we are, Master. This is your new and improved bathroom!" She opens the door, and I peer in.

    "Holy shit..."

    The bathroom is bigger and more impressive that I could have ever imagined, especially the bath, which is more like an indoor pool than tub. There are also more fluffy towels and robes, and a huge, glistening mirror above a polished marble countertop.

    "This is insane; I don''t even know what to say!"

    "Enjoy, Master," Domina says with a bow, "I''ll be back with refreshments shortly." She shuts the door, leaving me alone.

    I take off my robe, and I climb into the tub. It''s already filled with steamy water, so there''s no need to bother with the fancy-ass faucet or knobs.

    I sink in, and it''s just right. A wave of comfort rushes over me, like warm liquid blanket. I feel my muscles begin to relax almost as soon my ass hits the bottom. I lean back against the edge and let out the biggest sigh of my life.

    Aside from when I was a little, when my mom would wash me in our big bucket behind the house, I can''t remember the last time I had a bath. I''ve showered plenty, of course, within the stingy limits of the State''s dumbass water allowances, but this is just out of this world. Or out of my world, I guess.

    I relax and really take in the moment, and for the first time in a long time, my mind starts to slow down. I close my eyes and I gaze into the black behind my eyelids, and I begin to experience something that almost feels like sleep. I stare at all the the dim little lights and swirls that you can some times see when your eyes are shut. A white one pops up, and I think of Althea.

    Goddamn it, woman, get out my head! Even when you''re not here, you find a way to hassle me!

    The bathroom door begins to creak and I open my eyes. Domina enters with a little wooden tray with a teapot and a cup on it.

    "Master, would you care to try some of this herbal tea?"

    "Tea? Yeah, why the hell not?"

    Domina bows, then sets down the tray, picks up the pot and pours a steaming cup of tea. It''s light brown, and smells sweet, like honey and flowers. She places it on a little stand right next to the bath.

    I take a sip. "Hm, this ain''t half-bad. Thanks, Domina."

    She smiles and bows. "It is my duty and pleasure."

    I give her a nod, and a weak little smile. Then I turn away, assuming she she''s going to leave again. But she doesn''t.

    "Master," she says sweetly, "are you quite alright?"

    I turn to her. Her head is tilted, and her face has concern written all over it.

    "Uh, yeah. Yeah, I''m good." I turn away from her and stare at the wall across the room. I''m a shitty liar.

    Domina''s feet shift slightly. "I can tell you are troubled, Master. And I am here to ease your troubles."

    "Yeah, I know. But not all troubles can be eased. Some are just gonna exist."

    I''m sure she pretty much filled in the blanks by now.

    I sigh. "You probably noticed Althea didn''t come back with us. Well, she got pissed at me and fuckin'' split. I don''t know what the hell I''m supposed to do, or even if I can win the war against the Limp Dicks at this rate. So, yeah, I got a lot on my mind. I just wanna take a bath in peace."

    There is silence, and then I hear the sound of her shoes moving slowly on the floor. "Master, my primary function is to serve you in the capacity of domestic duties."

    "Yeah, yeah. I heard you the first time."

    "But, Master, although it is my duty to attend to your desires, I must also attend to your needs, especially when you are troubled. I would be remiss if I did not do everything in my power to ease the burden weighing on your mind."

    I turn to her. "Look, I appreciate it, but-"

    I''m not sure what stops me from brushing her off. Maybe it is the gentle, accepting look in her face, or maybe it is my increasing sense of desperation.

    "I mean, shit, I dunno."

    I remember my countless late night conversations with Kris. Before she joined up with the Limp Dicks and started to treat me like living shit, I used to talk about all of my issues with her. She was sometimes really insightful and gave pretty good advice. But even when she couldn''t, even when there was nothing she could do to help me, I always felt better after a good talk with her.

    Raelith and Zazel would talk with me if I asked them, but they''re too wild to really take me seriously. Althea would definitely listen and give some sound advice, but she''d also lecture and judge the shit out of me. But what about Domina?

    "Master, if you are not ready-"

    "Wait, hold up."

    She pauses and looks at me.

    "I guess it would be good to talk to somebody for a change."

    She nods. "I''m glad to hear that. Please, Master, go ahead. You can speak to me about anything."

    I run her through pretty much everything I''ve been through during the past week, although she already knows quite a bit from having eavesdropped on us when she didn''t have her body. I tell her about Althea, the magic contract, Zazel, the weird drink, my powers going batshit insane, and the recent drama on the mountain. I don''t tell her about my past, or any of my dark secrets, but tell her about most everything else.

    She listens to everything quietly and patiently, without interruption. There is not a hint judgment in her face at I fill her in, even at the nastier parts.

    When I''m done, I feel better. A lot better. And I also feel kind of sleepy. I yawn and sink back into the tub and close my eyes again, and let the steamy air wash over me.

    "Master," Domina says, "if I may?"

    "Uh, yeah, go ahead."

    "I believe that you are a good person, Master. But, I think it is fair to say that you are also somewhat of a troubled one as well."

    "Yeah, maybe."

    "I don''t really think I can give you any good advice, but may I share an observation?"

    "Hm. Why not?"

    "There is something curious about you, Master. You seem to be very familiar with us Elementals, especially Order and Chaos. I can sense it in the way you speak and behave around us. It is almost as if you are an old friend, yet, at the same time, you keep us at arm''s length."

    I open my eyes and look at her. "Is that right?"

    She nods, her purple locks swaying gently. "I''m not saying that there is anything wrong with it, but I can''t help but wonder why that is."

    I shrug. "I dunno."

    "I know you wish to be closer to us, Master. We desire that as well, and we must work together very closely to stave off the coming threat, so I don''t understand why you are placing arbitrary limits on us and yourself."

    "Arbitrary limits? Like how?" I scratch my head. I''m not even sure I know what ''arbitrary'' means.

    "Well, for one, you don''t make any attempt to learn anything about us on a personal level. It''s always business."

    I pause. "Huh, I guess you''re right."

    "And you do not share a bed with any us, even though you have been invited to do so many times, and you''ve only attempted thrall creation a couple of times. Is that not an arbitrary limit?"

    "Uh..."

    She smiles. "I''m sorry, but it is true, is it not?"

    "Yeah, I guess it is." I shrug again. "I dunno."

    "Do you see? I am certain Order had reason to be concerned by your power and actions, but I believe that the ultimate reason why she left your charge is because she did not trust you enough. Had you made an attempt to become closer to her, she may have shown more loyalty."

    "Maybe, maybe not."

    "You don''t have to change if you don''t wish to. However, I would urge you to consider whether or not your self-imposed limitations will help you in the coming days."

    "I''ll think about it."

    "Please do, Master. You are the Hero, and we Elementals were made not just to create and build this world, but to be at your side. It is our highest calling to aid the Hero as he triumphs in all of his endeavors and ushers in a new world. So when you push us away, you deny us our purpose, our reason to be. Please consider that as well."

    Her words cut kind of deep, and I sort of feel like I''m getting lectured by Althea again. But I can sense that Domina is coming from a good place. She listened to all of my shit, so I try to pay her back by being cool, but it''s hard.

    "Hm. You might have a point, I guess, but I have my reasons, alright?" I feel something stir in my chest.

    "I know you do. Perhaps you would be willing to share them as well?"

    "I dunno, maybe-" I cringe as a burst of painful memories about Kris rush through my head like an instantaneous avalanche. I sense my core acting up again, and the same, familiar heat threatens to burn me again.

    "On second thought, Master, perhaps it would best to put that matter aside for now."

    Her voice brings me back to reality, and I notice that the bath water around me is beginning to boil.

    I take a couple of deep breaths, and push the rage back down. "Yeah, maybe we should call it quits."

    "Of course, Master." She stands and bows deeply. "I have some clothes prepared for you; they are being brought here presently. I cannot emulate your previous style as I cannot find the necessary materials, but I think you will be pleased with what I have made."

    The water has stopped boiling. "Uh, yeah. Thank you."

    She bows again and turns to leave.

    "Seriously, thank you. I haven''t- I haven''t been able to clear my mind like that for a long time. And I will think about what you said. There''s a war to fight, and maybe I should do more to keep us all together."

    "I know you will do what is best, Master."

    She leaves the room, and I close my eyes again. I try to relax, but my core is still ebbing. I can feel it humming inside as it seems to grow and shrink again and again.

    I''m kinda getting sick of this shit. I want my old heart back.

    I hear a dull roar inside my head, as if I''m surrounded by an inferno in burning building.

    DON''T GET SOFT ON ME, PUSSY! YOU AIN''T GOT TIME TO PLAY NICE WITH YOUR WHORES!

    Shut up! Get the fuck out my head, asshole!

    OH, BELIEVE ME, I TAKE NO PLEASURE IN BEING AROUND YOUR WEAK PANSY ASS.

    Keep talkin'' shit! I was still strong enough to keep you from fucking things up!

    YOU STILL DON''T UNDERSTAND A GODDAMNED THING, DO YOU? THE MORE YOU TRY TO FIGHT ME, THE MORE YOU TRY TO KEEP ME IN THE BACKSEAT, THE STRONGER I GET. BUT KEEP BEING A RETARD IF YOU WANT. I''LL BE MORE THAN HAPPY TO SHOW YOU WHAT HAPPENS! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!

    "FUCK YOU, MOTHERFUCKER!!"

    I open my eyes. I''m standing in the middle the bath, fists raised and burning. Steam is rising from my body, and the water boils at my feet. I can still hear the echo of that asshole''s laughter.

    I lower my dukes, shake my head, and sigh. "I gotta get a grip on this shit..."

 Its Complicated, Okay?

    I''m sure Domina did her best.

    I try my best to be generous to her, but deep down -not too deep down, though- I fucking hate it. I mean, it was skillfully made and the quality of the fabric is not bad, but no matter how I twist and turn in the mirror, I can''t help but feel embarrassed as shit by the frilly black shirt and ass-hugging tights.

    And the shoes with the big silver buckle on them are definitely a hard pass. Or they would be, but I don''t want to offend Domina, or worse, cause her make more clothes for me in some wild chain reaction of compensation for not pleasing me or whatever. Sure as hell don''t need that noise.

    I sigh as I look at myself in the mirror over and over again, as if I will magically become less stupid-looking if I stare at at myself and my frilly-ass duds long enough.

    Fuck, man. I look like a pirate that''s about to go to his parrot''s funeral.

    Having no other choice but be naked, wear a bathrobe, or risk any new outfit being even worse, I decide it''s better just to accept it and move on with my life. I navigate through the halls and head down the stairs to the living room, where Raelith and Zazel will meet up with me to make a game plan to save the world.

    The living room is really something else. It has a bunch of nice furniture that''s soft as a cloud, a huge-ass fireplace with a big, polished marble mantle, and a fancy red carpet. All the curtains and cushions are red as well, and there are a ton of other little decorations, such as a fancy silver tea set, vases full of colorful flowers, and a whole slew of plants.

    I take a seat in a big red chair, and Domina, or one of her clones, appears with a steaming teacup. The scent tells me it''s the same tea from before, and I''m more than happy to accept it.

    "Thanks," I say, before taking a little sip. "I''m actually starting to like this tea shit."

    She bows and leaves the room. I watch her as she leaves, and I realize I haven''t checked out her stats yet. In fact, I haven''t seen Raelith''s either, and Zazel and Althea are overdue as well.

    I put the tea aside and close my eyes, focusing on the Hero Pendant.

    Yo, necklace! You there?

    A glowing light blue smoke rises in my minds eye, and those weird glowing runes fade in, just like before.

    WHAT DO YOU WISH TO KNOW?

    Show me Domina''s stats and info and all that. Please.

    The runes fade out, and more start appearing as wall of text that seems to go on forever, kind of like the intro to Star Wars. I forget how to ''scroll'' and I have to fritter about in my brain to get it to work, but I get the hang of it again.

    True Name: Domina

    Title: The Elemental of House and Home

    Alignment: Neutral (Special Purpose)

    Archetype: Domestic Steward

    Proficiencies: None

    Deficiencies: None

    Spells:

    Helping Hands: Level 2: The caster produces up to 100 semi-autonomous clones. The more that are produced, the less potent the total becomes. Immediately after being created, clones must be given commands before they can take action. Clones can act autonomously to carry out simple chores and household maintenance after their primary directive is accomplished.

    Where the Heart Is: Level 2: The caster chooses any point that they can they can see. For up to 60 feet, the radius around that point temporarily becomes a part of the Hero''s estate, with all the physical, psychological, and magical benefits that entails. While within the radius of the spell''s effect, the caster can animate, build, and repair buildings and natural features within that territory with relative ease.

    In addition, the caster can sense everything that happens in the radius of the spell''s effect, except that which is undesired by the Hero. Enemies of the Hero will find it oddly unintuitive to locate and enter the area of the spell''s effect. This spell is always active on the Hero''s estate.

    Clean Sweep: Level 2: The caster instantly removes minor environmental hazards, corpses, objects broken beyond repair, small loose items, and minor nuisances such as bugs, mold, dust, and harmful gasses. This spell then adds the raw materials and useful loose items swept up by this attack to the Hero''s home storage. The spell''s effect leaves a light and universally unoffensive pine scent it its wake. Inflicts a moderate amount of damage to enemies composed of poisonous or unsanitary substances.

    Equipment:

    Apron of Servant''s Burden: Level 2: Provides light protection from slashing, piercing, ballistic, and non-magical energy damage. The pockets can produce items from the Hero''s home and personal storage.

    Nonslip Shoes of Master''s Peace: Level 2: Provides a minor boon to agility. As the Hero or wearer desires, any steps made while wearing these shoes can be made silent.

    Elemental Summary: Domina, the Elemental of House and Home, is a Special Purpose Elemental who was made to serve as the steward and personal maid of the Hero. She excels at all things domestic and clerical, and is something of a jack-of-all-trades in most noncombat-related areas.

    While generally lacking in combat ability, Domina is able to defend herself with her clone magic and is proficient in the use of improvised weaponry.

    As a Special Purpose Elemental, Domina cannot produce Thralls and is not bound to a Domain.

    Whoa, this chick can make a little a little army of clones! Even if they''re kinda weak, maybe we could give ''em some weapons or something. Hell, Raelith could make some sick crossbows, like the ones her War Bastards had.

    Ah, speaking of Raelith...

    True Name: Raelith

    Title: The Elemental of War

    Alignment: Chaos (Esoteric)

    Archetype: Barbarian Warlord

    Proficiencies: Strength, Agility, Endurance

    Deficiencies: Intelligence, Wisdom, Charisma

    Spells:

    Maelstrom of Metal: Level 2: The caster manifests a large swarm of Bloodiron projectiles, which can be manipulated and controlled in a variety of ways. The caster loses control of the projectiles if they make contact with a solid object, such as an enemy, the ground, or a wall. Targets struck by this spell occasionally burst into Bloodflames, causing additional damage to the target and anything else within a very close range.

    Machination of War: Level 2: The caster creates a strong, but simple Bloodiron construct suitable for combat, such as a wall, vehicle, siege weapon, or bunker. Constructs that require a fuel source cannot function unless they are within 30 feet of the caster. Constructs will remain until they are dismissed or after a period of 30 minutes. The caster may recast the spell to maintain the construct at a reduced cost relative to the size and complexity of the construct. This spell allows the caster to maintain: one large construct, two medium constructs, or four small constructs at once.

    Bloodiron Bond: Level 2: The caster and their Thralls (up to a range of 60 feet) are bathed in aura of Bloodfire, granting a slight boost in offensive capability and a proportionate decrease in defensive capability for each individual affected. May occasionally cause those affected to behave recklessly.

    Equipment:

    Omniweapon of Bloodiron: Level 2: A powerful piece of Bloodiron with the ability to transform into any infantry weapon. This weapon can be summoned back to its owners hand instantly. While not in the form of a weapon, it can take the form of a ring, bracelet, chain, or a small charm.

    Bloodiron Armor: Level 2: Provides a boon to Endurance. Provides a moderate amount of resistance to most sources of damage.

    Elemental Summary: Raelith, the Elemental of War, has a vast knowledge of battle and warfare, and excels at fighting. Unlike the majority of Elementals, she prefers to fight at close range, where she can best use the blood of her enemies to enhance her equipment and other abilities. However, she is capable of using more diverse tactics, if she feels compelled enough to do so.

    Raelith is not a subtle or cautious Elemental and she prefers direct methods of dealing with her problems, on and off the battlefield.

    Yeah, I know. I just had a fucking marathon scrap session with her. She''s definitely a force to be reckoned with, but what I really like is the fact that she can make a car. Maybe she could make a motorcycle, or better yet, a motherfucking tank! It would probably look a little janky, but it would be way better than slipping and sliding around with Zazel on that nasty-ass Butt Slug thing.

    Oh, yeah; might as well take a look at Zazel.

    True Name: Zazel

    Title: The Elemental of Chaos

    Alignment: Chaos (Esoteric)

    Archetype: Chaos Witch

    Proficiencies: Intelligence, Charisma, Mana

    Deficiencies: Strength, Endurance, Health

    Spells:

    Evoke Chaos: Level 2: The caster channels the forces of magical entropy, then unleashes a random spell imbued with a random magical or material element. The caster instinctively performs whatever verbal or somatic elements the spell requires, and if the spell requires the selection of a target, the caster will be able to choose before casting. Potency and effects of any spell cast in this way range from utterly benign to rather destructive.

    Domain of Insanity: Level 2: The caster designates a single point in space, creating a field of magical chaos with a maximum radius of 30 feet. Non-allied creatures within the field when it materializes will be exposed to a random magical effect. Those who linger in the field may be exposed to more random magical effects. The caster may choose to either dismiss the spell, or recast at a reduced mana cost to maintain the spell''s effects.

    The tale has been stolen; if detected on Amazon, report the violation.

    Entropic Curse: Level 2: The caster designates a creature. Upon doing so, the target becomes subject to a somewhat high amount of entropy, resulting in the creature experiencing a brief, but intense, stream of negative, unlucky events, which may or may not result in the failure of their most immediate objective.

    Equipment:

    Sword of Skepticism: Level 2: Slashing weapon that does magical damage in proportion to the user''s Intelligence. In addition to any damage suffered, creatures and objects struck with the blade experience a chaotic effect similar to that caused by Domain of Insanity.

    Bustier of Freedom: Level 2: Provides a slight boon to Charisma and Intelligence, moderate resistance to magical damage, energy damage, and attacks that bind or otherwise restrict movement. Grants the wearer access to a pocked dimension where a small number of items can be stored.

    Anarchium Accessories: Level 2: Grants a small chance to add an additional random magical effect to any spell cast, similar to those that can be caused by Evoke Chaos.

    Elemental Summary: Zazel, the Elemental of Chaos, is one of the two most fundamental forces on Astraea. Despite her distaste for hierarchies, her position as the superior of all Chaos-aligned Elementals makes her a valuable asset in combat and in recruiting other Chaos-aligned Elementals.

    The Elemental of Chaos puts a very heavy amount of emphasis on freedom, and strives to ensure that Astraea remains free from oppression and tyranny.

    In combat, Zazel''s spells are highly dangerous and unpredictable, to ally and enemy alike. However, the wild nature of her abilities allows her to disrupt enemies and bypass traditional defenses where ordinary attacks and strategies might fail.

    WARNING: AS PER THE LORD''S PROPHECY, IT IS HIGHLY INADVISABLE TO EXPOSE ZAZEL TO DANGER. THE DEATH OF THE ELEMENTAL OF CHAOS WOULD MAKE VICTORY AGAINST THE INVADERS IMPOSSIBLE, RESULTING IN UNIMAGINABLE SUFFERING FOR COUNTLESS SOULS. DO NOT EXPOSE THE ELEMENTAL OF CHAOS TO DANGER.

    I''m taken aback by that warning, displayed in dark red runes instead of the normal baby blue. It''s one thing to know it, but to see it written out like this unnerves me.

    Even if she''s getting stronger, I have to be extra careful with her, especially since we don''t have Althea to heal us anymore.

    I clench my jaw, and I feel some of that anger beginning to simmer inside me. I push it down again.

    Althea didn''t even think about Zazel, did she? If Zazel gets hurt, what the hell will I do? No, fuck that. I''m not gonna let that happen.

    As think about this, I am surprised to see Althea''s stats are there. I kind of figured hers wouldn''t pop up because she ran off, but I guess I was wrong.

    True Name: Althea

    Title: The Elemental of Order

    Alignment: Order (Esoteric)

    Archetype: Order Cleric

    Proficiencies: Wisdom, Endurance, Mana

    Deficiencies: Strength, Agility, Health

    Spells:

    Restore Order: Level 2: The caster chooses a nearby area, up to a radius of ten feet. Within that radius, all land, structures, objects, and creatures return to their original conditions. The area is reverted in such a way as to remove all damage and blemishes. If the area contains living beings, they will be healed of all injuries and ailments and returned to their most natural state, with any damage caused by disease or injury being reverted.

    Bulwark of Preservation: Level 2: A translucent dome of golden-white energy forms at the location designated by the caster. The dome provides a strong magical defense against physical and magical attacks. When struck with a hostile melee attack, the dome has a low chance to knock back or stun the attacker. When struck with a hostile projectile attack, the dome has a low chance to redirect the projectile back to the original attacker.

    Holy Blessing: Level 2: The caster petitions God, asking them for the privilege of tapping into very essence of the order that shapes and binds the universe. The creature that receives this spell''s boon enjoys temporary success in their most immediate endeavors; that which is likely becomes nearly certain, and that which is unlikely becomes more likely, for a brief window of time.

    Equipment:

    Hammer of Judgement: Level 2: A bludgeoning weapon that deals magic damage in proportion to the wielder''s Wisdom. When the wielder undoes damage with the Restore Order spell, they may do instantaneous radiant damage equal to half the damage back to the individuals or parties responsible, if present.

    Mail and Vestments of Faith and Truth: Level 2: Provides a minor boost to Wisdom and Endurance, as well as moderate protection from most forms of magical and energy-based damage. Grants the wearer to the ability to know if someone is lying.

    Shield of Moral Virtue: Level 2: This large shield provides a minor boon to Endurance. The shield is physically indestructible and will occasionally reflect incoming melee damage back to the attacker.

    Elemental Summary: Althea, the Elemental of Order, is one of the two most fundamental forces on Astraea. True to her name, she is the foremost Order-aligned Elemental, and his responsible for keeping Astraea whole, safe, and uncorrupted.

    In combat, Althea''s magic can quickly reverse damage dealt by the enemy, and her shields can protect her and her allies from being harmed in the first place. In addition, her sharp senses -both magical and mundane- can detect hidden dangers, as well as reveal the motives and identities of those who wish to keep themselves hidden.

    As the leader of all Order-aligned Elementals, she is able to recruit and organize them effectively in battle.

    WARNING: AS PER THE LORD''S PROPHECY, IT IS HIGHLY INADVISABLE TO EXPOSE ALTHEA TO DANGER. THE DEATH OF THE ELEMENTAL OF ORDER WOULD MAKE VICTORY AGAINST THE INVADERS IMPOSSIBLE, RESULTING IN UNIMAGINABLE SUFFERING FOR COUNTLESS SOULS. DO NOT EXPOSE THE ELEMENTAL OF ORDER TO DANGER.

    The red runes flash and fade. The blue smoke fades.

    That''s a pretty good rundown, necklace. ''Level 2'' doesn''t sound very strong, but the things these Elementals can do are pretty damn wild.

    I open my eyes just as Domina comes in with a fresh pot of tea. She takes my old cup from the table next to me, and replaces it with a fresh, steaming one.

    "I was just checking out your stats with the Hero Pendant. Can you really make 100 clones? Wait, are you a clone?"

    "Yes, Master," She says, smiling, "I am indeed a clone."

    "Wow. You look and act just like her. I can''t tell at all."

    "Thank you. I take that as a compliment. But, as a clone, I am not quite as capable as my original."

    "I see."

    She nods and turns to leave. I stop her.

    "Wait a second."

    "Yes, Master?"

    I clear my throat. I don''t want to sound like a jackass. "Uh, I appreciate you bringing me the tea."

    She bows, a polite smile on her face. "Of course, Master."

    "Oh, and when will you sing my praises, egg?"

    Zazel enters the room from behind me, her nails clicking lightly against hardwood.

    "You know, if you actually- PFFFFFTTTT!"

    Zazel starts laughing as soon as she sees the front of me. "AHAHAHAAA!" She laugh and laughs, her wet, wavy hair falling over her face as she doubles over. "What. Are. You. Wearing?"

    I rest my head on my hand and sigh. "Please grow up."

    Zazel laughs and laughs. "You look even more ridiculous than the day we first met! I barely have any basis for judging human fashion, but I still know that is ridiculous."

    "Shut up," I say under my breath, "Domina might hear you. I''m trying to be nice."

    "You? Nice?" She puts a hand on her chest, trying to recover -poorly- from her fit. "Now, that is funny."

    I hear Raelith stomping up from from behind, each step making floor creak and vibrate. "What''s funny? I like funny things."

    Raelith comes in, wrapped in a bath robe and busy dirtying herself all over again as she chews on the greasy, fatty roasted leg of yet another animal.

    She looks at my clothes, and her expression goes blank. She chews slowly, then swallows. Then she starts cracking up, her laughter so loud and sudden that it makes Zazel jump. "AHAHAHAHA! YOU LOOK STUPID! HAHAHAHAHA!"

    Zazel, who''s finally managed to stop laughing, begins again.

    I''m full on facepalming now. "Goddammit..."

    I pull back a bit as Raelith reaches out with and starts tugging at -and nearly ripping- the fancy pants frilly parts on my chest.

    "Look, little sis! Look at the ruffles!" She laughs even harder.

    "Yes, I know! They''re so... Excessive! Aha!"

    I swat her hand away. "What the hell are you, a couple of children?" I shake my head. "I mean, shit, you''re both hundreds of years old, and this is how you act?"

    They stare at each other before bursting out laughing again.

    I sit down again and sigh. "I was better off naked."

    Domina comes back in the room with tea, and the two agents of chaos freeze, their laughter cut off almost instantly, as if by magic. The Elemental hands Zazel and Raelith each a cup of steaming tea. They accept them, and Domina leaves. They wait until the sound of Domina''s footsteps fades, and then they start back in again.

    Raelith is leaning against Zazel, meat in one hand and shaking tea in the other, her eye watery and red from laughing so hard, and Zazel''s hair is an actual mess. And still, they continue to laugh at me.

    "Alright, alright, fuck! Enough, already! Are we here to laugh at my clothes, or are we here to make plan to save the world!?"

    They settle down, and I take another sip of tea. "I thought so. Now, let''s talk."

    Raelith finishes her meat, drains her tea, and takes a seat. Zazel takes her own seat next to mine, setting her drink on the table between our two fluffy chairs.

    "Alright, then. Now, before anything else," I say, leaning forward and folding my hands. " I wanna tell you guys that I''ve decided to cool it on using my powers for a while."

    Zazel raises an eyebrow. "What? Why?"

    "Because I don''t wanna hurt anyone, and it''s fucking with my mind too much."

    Raelith scoffs. "It is foolish to waste such a beautiful power."

    "Yeah," I say, nodding, "maybe. But I''m not saying I''m never gonna use it, but if the Limp Dicks aren''t in our faces, it''s not worth the risk."

    Raelith spits on the floor. It lands with a thick splat.

    "Gross. Anyway," I go on, "I''m not so sure it can be controlled easily. I can dip into it a little without much problem, but other than that, it''s pretty much an all-or-nothing kind of deal, I think." I gesture to them. "And you guys are getting stronger, so there ain''t tons of reason for me to pull all the weight, anyway." I sit back and sip my tea.

    Zazel shrugs. "I guess that''s reasonable. And yes, I can feel my powers coming back, thank you kindly. But I know what we can do to give everyone a very substantial amount of power very quickly?"

    Here it comes.

    "Make Thralls," she says, "and a ludicrous amount of them!"

    Yep. "Okay, I''m listening."

    "What''s there to listen to? It''s obvious that we need fighters! The more Thralls we make, the easier this all becomes." She folds her arms under her breasts. "We can start tonight. We must start tonight. After all, we require many thralls and each attempt has a low chance of success, so we need to allow enough time to make a large force."

    Raelith nods. "Yeah. I want Thralls, too. I miss my soldiers. And I was told I would get to fight in an army!" She takes a big, hard bite out of what remains of her mystery animal.

    "Yeah, yeah, you''re gonna get your precious Thralls. Just- Just give me some time, okay?"

    Zazel narrows her eyes; she looks almost disgusted. "I don''t understand why you are being so reticent about this. We can make a pretty substantial force of Thralls if we focus on it for a few weeks, and they can be used to help us find more resources and other Elemental Domains. And we get to enjoy one of the greatest pleasures known to humans and Elementals alike!" She throws out her palms. "We get to increase our power, accelerate our plans, and experience ecstasy! This should be simple, even for you, you lump!"

    "I mean, you''re not wrong, but.." I shrug.

    "But what?"

    I see Kris'' face for a second. "It''s- It''s complicated, okay?"

    For a moment, Zazel ponders something as Raelith chews noisily on her meat.

    "Oh, I do believe I''ve pieced this little mystery together," says Zazel, rubbing her cheek as she grins slyly. "You pair bonded with some other human back on your world, and you still maintain some foolish notion of loyalty to the creature."

    "Creature?"

    Raelith snorts. "Loyalty is good, but why would you take only one mate? A great warrior like such as yourself could surely mate with as many-"

    Zazel holds up a hand to silence her. "Humans don''t work like that, remember? They usually find a single mate, reproduce with that mate, and then move to a new one when they get bored or start to detest each other. I believe it''s called ''serial monogamy'', or some other such tripe." She looks at me, smirking. "Am I wrong, Hero?"

    I shake my head. "I dunno what ''serial monogamy'' means, but the rest sounds about right, I guess."

    "Well, then, what is the problem, Hero? That was Earth, and this is Astraea. You need to forget about whatever human your animal brain is attached to, and give me my due recompense!"

    "Look, I know we pretty much have to, but-"

    Zazel sets down her tea with a clank, shoots up from her chair, and does a frontflip into my lap, nearly slamming into my nuts. "Listen to me, Hero. You have a duty to perform, and I will not have my rightful reward denied to me." She cups my face and stares into my eyes with her big, blue orbs. "I am Zazel, the Elemental of Chaos, and you, my dear, are the Hero who is going to save the world." She leans in close, her warm, soft body pressing into me. "So stop being a bloody fool and get on with it already!"

    My junk stirs a little, which that happens when one of the Elementals touches me with certain intentions. I have to admit it''s a little fun, but mostly it''s just weird because no matter how I''m feeling or what I''m doing, it always revs the engines, and I have no idea why. It never worked that way with Kris, even in our honeymoon phase.

    "Off, Zazel. That''s cheap, and you damn well know it."

    "I''m the Elemental of Chaos, and nothing is-"

    Raelith plops her half-eaten mystery leg on the coffee table in front of her and stands up arms spread wide and high. "I, TOO, DEMAND SOLDIERS! I WOULD HAVE MY WAR BASTARDS RESTORED! AND WITH HASTE!"

    We both see her coming, but there''s not a damned thing we can do to get out of the way as she cannonballs her jacked body on top of us. The big fluffy armchair, which I thought was pretty damn sturdy-looking, cracks and snaps in half instantly with a massive popping noise.

    We hit the ground, the chair in pieces, and I''m on the bottom of the dog pile, sandwiched between the two Elementals.

    "What the fuck are you dipshits doing! I can''t believe this is how-"

    At that moment, I hear a rushing river of footsteps, a second later, Domina and her clones pour into the living room, filling the are with concerned-looking maids.

    "Oh, Master! Are you okay?" Domina and her all her clones echo as several of them rush over to our pile of chaos. "Are you hurt anywhere?"

    "I''m fine. I guess."

    Domina scowls at the other two Elementals. "I''m ashamed of both of you. You should not treat Master so carelessly! You both owe him an apology!"

    Zazel and Raelith look at her like she''s gone batshit.

    "It''s fine, Domina. Really." I stop pushing against the two Elementals. I give up, lay back, and sigh.

    The one who I assume is probably the real Domina looks at me with consideration for a moment, then a look of mild amusement as a little smile begins show in the corner of her mouth.

    "Shall I prepare your room, Master?"

    I take another look at Zazel and Raelith. They''ve had their dinner, and now they want some dessert. No, not just some; they want the whole damn cake.

    Personally, I prefer pie.

 Punchin More Crystals

    If there''s something thing I learned over the course of the last three weeks, it''s this: you can have too much of a good thing.

    I''m not sure why or how things get so... competitive, but I''m just chalk it up to Zazel''s and Raelith''s aggressive natures. They somehow turn something that could be fun and relaxing into some kind of rowdy contest to see which who can make the most Thralls. Physically, I can keep up thanks to my powers, but after the first day of juggling bodies and personalities, it starts to feel like a big fucking chore. Literally.

    On top of that, when the ''process'' works, it really works. If the magic activates, Zazel and Raelith have about a minute to run outside into the yard before the Thralls get magicked into existence.

    The first time we get it to work, Raelith ends up blasting out a bunch of War Bastards in the middle of the house, which destroyed a bunch of windows and furniture and punched a couple of holes in the walls. I get kinda pissed, but Domina was able to save the day with her magic and elbow grease.

    After I realize how good Domina is at fixing stuff, I am more or less able to relax and sort of come to terms with how amusingly ridiculous whole situation is. And It''s sort of funny to watch them suddenly start to glow and scamper off, like some drunk dude rushing to the toilet when the booze decides it wants to come back up to say hello.

    Anyways, we get a shit ton of Thralls out of the whole ordeal. Zazel guesses in the beginning that we might make maybe 1200 or so in a week, but we end up with a little over 8000 before the month closes out. Zazel and Raelith fight over who was the winner of their perverted little game, but it pretty much looks more or less even: half Butt Ugly Spawns, and half War Bastards.

    Zazel and Raelith send the Thralls off as soon as they get popped out to find crystals and other Elementals. Thanks to the link they share with their Elementals, Spawn and Bastards can beam info directly into Raelith and Zazel''s brains, so they''re perfect for scouting. And since they''re pretty much just made of magic slime or metal, we don''t even have to feed ''em.

    We eventually decide to pull the plug on our little Thrall factory when Zazel tells me one of her ''babies'' found an Elemental''s Domain. Better yet, it''s only about an 8 hour drive.

    I just hope this next Elemental is a little more laid-back than Zazel and Raelith.

    <hr>

    With Raelith at the wheel, the four of us roll across the wilds Astraea in one of Raeliths creations. It kind of looks like a cart designed by a black metal band; all iron and covered in thick gnarled spikes. It doesn''t have any seats-Raelith says comfort invites weakness-but at least the design keeps the four us from falling off every time she takes a sudden sharp turn, which is quite a fucking lot, if I''m honest.

    "Brisket!" Zazel shouts through the rushing wind. "My baby is close! Quit gawking at those creatures and keep an eye out for the crystal! And War, mind your driving! I love a good thrill, but I won''t die for one!"

    Raelith scowls and shouts back over the roar of the wheels against the ground. "I know what I''m doing!"

    Domina squeezes close to me. "Master, please save your energy. I will spot the crystal on your behalf."

    "Are we there yet?" Raelith asks over the rushing wind, her eyes still on the trail ahead of us.

    "Almost!" Zazel shouts. "Just keep going forward! We''re close!"

    I keep scanning the fields, which have gotten more and more yellow and dry as the hours have passed. Here and there, I spot some Catbirds, a few Girafficorns, and a little cluster of muscly-looking animals way in the distance that I ain''t seen before. The whole scene reminds me of pictures of the Serengeti in those old books my dad used keep in the cellar. There are even quite a few of those weird trees that look like storm clouds with lightning for trunks.

    Domina taps my shoulder. "Look, Master! I see it! There, on the horizon!"

    I squint and see something in the distance. Even in the early afternoon sunlight, I can make out it''s yellow-orange glow.

    "I think you''re right, Domina," I say. I point to the crystal. "Raelith, you see that? In between those two trees over there?"

    Raelith nods and yanks the steering wheel, the cart lurches violently, almost throwing me and Domina out of the cart.

    "Jesus fucking-"

    "AHAHAHAAAHA!" Raelith laughs, her massive hands wrapped tightly around the steering wheel.

    "Hey, asshole," I shout at her over the rushing wind, "you mind not throwing the Hero of Astraea over the fucking side!?"

    "It''s not like you''d die. And what doesn''t kill you," she pumps the gas hard, "MAKES YOU STRONGER!" The cart rumbles and shakes, the wheels bouncing and grinding against the earth. She cuts another turn, almost throwing us out again.

    After a few more minutes of reckless driving, we spot the little Butt Ugly Spawn next to the crystal. It jiggles up and down excitedly as Raelith rolls up next to it.

    "Marvelous effort, dearie!" Zazel quickly hops out of the death metal cart and gives the Spawn a hug.

    The the rest of us climb out, the grass crunching and crackling beneath our feet as the sun beats down on us. I''m the only one who need to go, but I guess everyone is feeling stiff after sitting for so long.

    Domina produces an umbrella out of nowhere. "Master, I have plenty of refreshments, so if you are thirsty, just let me know."

    "Good lookin'' out," I say. "Maybe later."

    "I will have some wine," says Zazel, seizing the umbrella from the maid, "and make it chilled and snappy in equal measure."

    Domina bows. "As you wish." She turns to Raelith, who is busy cracking her neck and shoulders. "And you, Lady Raelith? Anything at all?"

    She doesn''t say anything. Instead, she stops and stares out over the field, scanning it cautiously like a hawk.

    "Yo, Raelith. You good?" I raise an eyebrow, looking here and there to get a glimpse at whatever might have gotten her attention.

    She takes a couple of steps forward, looking, listening. She even takes a couple sniffs of the air.

    Zazel sighs, fanning herself. "This heat is maddening! Quickly finish you business before we all turn into that dried meat you love so much!"

    "Yeah, yeah, quit flappin'' your yap. I''m goin''."

    I leave Raelith to her staring and get on with busting the crystal.

    This is the biggest crystal is the biggest I''ve seen yet; about as wide as dumpster and about twice as tall as me. The mana deep inside it swirls like a tornado of little stars and sparkles, which means there''s either a spell or a weapon inside.

    I crank my head around. "Hey, everyone stay back! I''mma turn this bitch into dust!"

    I face the crystal, and breathe. Okay, Ferdie. You only a need a little of that power. Just enough to break it.

    I take a deep breath and pull from my core, but it comes out faster than I thought, and I close the gates fast and punch out even faster.

    "RRRAAGGHH!"

    There''s a blur, and a little crack of thunder. And now, there''s a big, fat hole right in the middle of the crystal. Then, with a sudden burst of light, the mana rushes to the edges of the crystal, then the whole thing pops into tiny shards, like crushed ice.

    I take a second to cool off and push down my rage then lean over to take my prize. I see blurry form of something long and flat underneath the shards. Reaching in carefully, I pull out the object.

    "Huh," I say, turning the thing over in my hands. "It''s a sword."

    It''s a very nice sword, kind of like the ones some of the dudes from Lord of the Rings had, except a little more fancy. The blade is a bit more than three feet long, and it''s got a blue-greenish aura. The grip is a bit small, but I can wrap my hand around it without too much trouble.

    I close my eyes. Hey, Pendant. Give me the lowdown on this weapon.

    The good ol'' blue runes appear.

    WEAPON: LEVEL 2: SWORD OF COURAGE: INFLICTS MODERATE SLASHING DAMAGE. PROVIDES A SLIGHT BOON TO CHARISMA. WHEN HELD, THE BLADE PREVENTS THE WIELDER FROM BEING FRIGHTENED OR OTHERWISE INTIMIDATED.

    A sword isn''t gonna help us very much, and the enchantment doesn''t seem too useful. These crystals are kind of a waste of time.

    I open my eyes, and walk a back over to the others.

    "Yo, Zazel. You think this thing is any good?"

    "Not in your hands, egg. Look!"

    I shoot back to the sword, and the nice minty glow it had a second ago is totally gone. It somehow feels a bit cold and limp, like a little metal corpse.

    "The fuck? Did I just kill the sword?"

    Stolen story; please report.

    Then I remember what the Hero Pendant told me before. I can''t use magic, even magical weapons.

    Raelith as she paces about, eyeing the fields and the trees with an intensity that would make a sniper feel proud.

    She would probably be the best choice for a wielder, but she''s already a living armory. And she definitely doesn''t have issues with bravery. And Zazel already has a sword so...

    Domina sees me and bows. "Good job, Master. I see you found a weapon."

    I raise it to show her. "Yeah. This is a Sword of Courage, or at least, it was. It doesn''t seem to work for me."

    Domina''s eyes widen. She reaches out and takes it, and the blade glows and hums, the aura growing in strength.

    "Oh, it seems to have awakened, Master!"

    "What?" squawks Zazel. "You''re gonna give it to her? Maybe I would like to have it, did you ever consider that, lump?"

    "Zazel, you already have a sword. Domina has a broom and kitchen knives. She needs something with a little heft." I turn to the maid. "I hope it suits you."

    She bows, the light of the sword seems to dance in her eyes. "Thank you, Master, for this wonderful gift! I will treasure it, always!"

    "Cool. Now let''s get our asses back on the road. We got two more crystals to smash on the way. Raelith, rev up your thing and let''s go."

    She glances at me for second, looks back over the Astraean Serengeti again, then back at me.

    "Something wrong?" I ask her.

    She shakes her head. "It''s nothing," she stretches her arms cracks her knuckles. "We ride to the next crystal!"

    <hr>

    We blast through the Astraean Serengeti once more, and Raelith seems to be driving a bit more carefully. She''s still going pretty damn fast, but she''s stopped with the screaming and sharp-ass turns.

    I get a closer look at some of those buff-ass animals I saw earlier; they are about as big as they are ugly. I decide to call ''em Bullpigdogs, because they look like roided-up pigs with bulldog faces. They are about the size of a buffalo, and have this garish purple skin with little green tennis ball-sized lumps-which I guess are warts-sprinkled here and there on their bodies.

    They stare at us stupidly as we drive by their herd in a dusty blaze, their flat piggy noses oozing with snot. They are pretty disgusting, but something about them makes my mouth water.

    Take away the green warts and... Nah, fuck that. I''ve been I''ve been hanging out with Raelith too much.

    "Hey, Beautiful!" shouts Raelith. "Those animals back there, my scout tells me some them have gathered by the next crystal."

    "Yeah, so?"

    "Just saying because it looks like they''re acting kind of aggressive. We might be in for a fight."

    "I don''t wanna kill any animals, but if they rush us, we might not have a choice, I guess."

    Raelith doesn''t say anything. She doesn''t have her usual hungry look or lick her lips. And she keeps looking over her shoulder.

    I keep an eye out over the sunny landscape for the next crystal or more animals, but I end up spotting both at the same time. Can see a green one sticking out above of the middle of big, shallow muddy pond with a bunch of buff-ass animals around it.

    I also see Raelith''s War Bastard, but the wicked black suit of midget plate armor is keeping the widest possible birth from the pond.

    Guess he wasn''t invited to the party.

    Raelith grunts and slams the pedal to the medal, and we zoom across the plains, the cart clacking and shaking over every little bump in the ground. She gives a gives her Bastard a salute with a fist across her chest as we zoom past it.

    As we close in, it becomes clear that the purple things are, in fact, Bullpigdogs. Only these ones are even more ripped and ugly.

    Zazel taps me on the shoulder and points out to the mass of sloshing animals. "It seems the beasts aren''t just here for the water. Look."

    I move my head back and forth to see what she''s talking about. It''s hard to see past their big lumpy bodies. Then, two of the ugly fuckers get in a fight and break apart from the group, I see several of them around the crystal, licking and gnawing at the damn thing like it''s a giant piece of rock candy.

    Raelith stops about fifty feet from the pond. The cart settles and she pulls the brake. "I smell a fight."

    I lean against the railing and fold my arms. "Let''s see what they''re all about."

    Zazel sighs. " Domina, I trust that you brought more wine? I''ll have that, now."

    Domina nods. "Of course."

    I get a closer look at the animals. And they get closer look at me. These guys aren''t like the other ones, with the stupid, glazed over expression like my numbnuts boss Arlo used to have all the time. No, these fuckers have a sharp, mean look that says, ''the fuck are you doin'' here, asshole?''

    In moments, even the rowdiest of the bunch turns toward us to give their unfuckingdivided attention.

    "I''d rather not hurt these animals," I hop over the edge of the cart, "but if they start some shit..."

    "I have your back, Beautiful." says Raelith, summoning a huge-ass Bloodiron hammer as she leaps out behind me. "Their fight, our feast."

    I step towards the crystal, trudging through the water. The Bullpigdogs stare at me with a menacing intelligence, their muscles tense and ready.

    They don''t look like they''re in a sharing mood, but maybe I can scare some sense into ''em.

    I stand up real tall, spread my arms out wide, and take in a deep breath. "Alright, you ugly, dirty fucks!" My voice roars like thunder. "Unless you wanna be my dinner, you''d better-"

    The lot of them yelp and squeal like scared little children and scatter in all directions, splashing muddy water everywhere as they bolt like mad out of the pond and across the savanna.

    I lower my hands, watching them run away into the hills. "Wow. That was easy."

    Raelith cracks up like mad, I can hear Zazel cackling from the cart as well. Domina has her head bowed, but can''t quite hide the little smile on her lips.

    I smile and shake my head. "Well, while you guys get it out of your systems, I''mma get that crystal."

    I trudge through the water, toward the tall blue crystal. I can sparkling mana swirling around inside it.

    Ripe for the harvest, baby!

    Pull up some of my power, and a lot more than I wanted comes out. I clench my fists and take a deep, sharp breath as the fire sears me from the inside.

    I have no choice but to let it out. I crank back and unleash as hard as I fucking can. I put my whole body into my punch, curving my strike into a deep penetrating arch.

    "RRRAAGGHH!!"

    My haymaker from hell annihilates the crystal like a bomb going off in a glass factory, sending shards of magic rock in every direction and the muddy water high into the air. When the mud and magic rocks stop falling and the mist blows away, I''m left with nothing but a big muddy hole.

    Oh, fuck. I think I nuked whatever was in there!

    I look back at the others. Raelith is standing there with a greedy smile on her face, while Zazel and Domina look confused as all hell.

    "Shit..."

    But before I get too pissed, some sparkly mana shit starts floating down over the watery little hole where the base of the crystal was. It all sort of converges in one spot in the air and compresses into a little orb of light. Then, when the very last spark of mana goes into the glowing mass, the whole thing becomes round and solid.

    Maybe I didn''t fuck it up after all. That''s a spell for sure.

    I head over and take the little green ball of crystal. I roll it between my thumb and index finger, and hold it up to the sun. It glitters nicely in the light.

    I close my eyes. Hey, necklace! What''s this spell?

    The runes come back.

    NEUTRAL SPELL: LEVEL 2: DREAMISSILES: LAUNCHES UP TO 6 GLOWING DARTS OF MAGIC. EACH DART HITS A CREATURE OF YOUR CHOICE THAT YOU CAN SEE WITHIN RANGE. A SINGLE DART HAS A MODERATE CHANCE OF INSTANTLY PUTTING THE TARGET INTO A DEEP SLEEP FOR 10 TO 15 MINUTES, DEPENDING ON A VARIETY OF FACTORS. THE DARTS ALL STRIKE SIMULTANEOUSLY, AND THE CASTER CAN DIRECT THEM TO HIT ONE CREATURE OR SEVERAL. IF THE TARGET IS ALREADY ASLEEP, THE PROJECTILES DEAL A MODERATE AMOUNT OF PSYCHIC DAMAGE TO THE TARGET.

    Eh, this kinda sucks; robots don''t sleep. I guess it could work on some the flesh ''n'' bone Limp Dicks, though.

    I turn around and march back through the mud. "Raelith! Lets'' ride!"

    She doesn''t hear me; she''s just staring out into the fields again. I look around, but don''t see anything out of the ordinary.

    "Yo, Raelith. You good?"

    She shakes her head and blinks a couple of times. "Yeah, I''m fine."

    "You sure?"

    She turns and heads back to the cart. "Don''t pamper me. Let''s go find the next one."

    As I approach Zazel stares at me and she clacks her nails against the rail of to cart.

    "It''s a spell. And no, I''m not giving it to you."

    She throws her empty wine cup at me, but I slap that shit out of the air.

    "The fuck, Zazel?"

    "Why do you always get to decide who gets what? I''m the chaos witch! The sorceress supreme! All the spells should go to me by default!"

    "But with your crazy chaos shit, you can basically use every spell anyways, right?"

    "Don''t get smart, stupid. Your gross oversimplification threatens to give me an aneurysm."

    "Whatever. No matter how much you bitch at me, I''m still giving it to Domina."

    "What? How many gifts do you intend to shower upon her?"

    "I''m not ''showering'' her. She needs gear and spells. Right now, all she can do is clean stuff and build crap."

    "Hmph. And what does it do, exactly? Is it a Chaos spell?"

    "Neutral," I say, placing the little marble in Domina''s hand. "And I guess it puts people to sleep or fucks ''em up if they''re already sleeping."

    Domina''s eyes go wide and a smile forms on her lips. "Oh, Master! Thank you so much!"

    "Enjoy your strange spell, maid," she leans back against the rail and folds her arms.

    "I will treasure anything and everything Master gives me."

    "Tch. Sycophant. If you''re going to take that spell, you could at least compensate me with some more wine!"

    Domina presses the crystal against her chest, right where her stone would be. There is a bright green flash, and when the light fades, the crystal is gone. "Yes, Lady Zazel," she whips out a nearly empty bottle and another cup. "You''re awfully thirsty today, if I may say so."

    "Indeed," Zazel says, staring me down with narrowed eyes.

    <hr>

    We''re crushing along, the wind is blowing through our hair, and the ass end of the sun is just about to sink below the horizon. We''ve got one more crystal left to hit, then we can have some dinner and kick back before going into the next Elemental''s domain. I guess she lives in some pyramid in the middle of a jungle or some shit, but I ain''t hoofin'' it though through the mud and bushes in the dark. Fuck that.

    "NO! ARRGH!" Zazel growls like a little kid who just got her ass kicked on a video game.

    "What the fuck, Zazel?"

    "My baby''s dead!"

    "What? Your Thrall got clipped?" I ask.

    She nods, shaking her fist. "Unbelievable! It''s gone, just like that!"

    Domina pats her shoulder. "I''m sorry for your loss, Lady Zazel."

    "I don''t under- Understand what could have possibly killed it!" Zazel says, as she tries to take a sip from her empty cup.

    "It was probably one of these crazy-ass animals or something. Maybe some of them Catbirds."

    "I doubt it. B-but whatever it-" she burps a little. "Whatever it is, I''ll have retri- They''re gonna pay!"

    "Okay, everyone. Just in case, keep your eyes peeled for some crazy shit."

    With Zazel so tipsy, and with no Thrall to guide her senses, we have to scout for the crystal the old-fashioned way, which burns a lot of time. But when the sky starts to turn dark, it makes it easy enough to spot the orange-red glow of the big crystal, even though it''s blocked off by a grove of trees.

    Raelith slows the death metal cart down to a crawl as we get close to the grove. She glaces every which way, her eye darting all from side to side.

    "Keep it quiet, now," I whisper. "We don''t wanna start a fight unless we got no other choice."

    We make it to the edge of the treeline and hop off. Raelith and I head into the trees, with Zazel and Domina close behind me. Zazel is pretty much drunk, so we stick her in the middle and keep her quiet as we creep.

    We don''t see anything unusual, so we keep pushing until we break through to the other side and come out into the middle of the vast grove. It''s oddly quiet, and there are no animals anywhere. All we see is the big ol'' crystal jutting up tall and proud like a huge magic boner.

    "AHHH!" Zazel screams, making me and Raelith jump a little.

    "Zazel, chill! You almost scared-"

    "My baby!" She rushes over to spot of charred grass and scoops up a little strip of dried up, black goop. "Look at- Look at what they did to you..."

    I shake my head. "Zazel, you have, like, thousands of the those things."

    "N-now you listen- You listen to me, you egg!" She raises a finger, dropping her precious ''baby''. She stumbles a little as she takes a couple of steps toward me. "First of all, you''re terrible. And second-"

    There''s flash of white light, a burst of golden flames, and Zazel goes flying and rolling back, screaming in pain as she burns.

    "AHHH! AAHH!"

    "What the fuck!?"

    "Lil'' Sis!"

    "Lady Zazel!"

    The three of us are on her instantly, but just as we give her cover, I''m hit with the same shit. It''s a blast of light or something, and it hits me hard and blows a blasts apart my shirt. I don''t feel it too much and it doesn''t budge me, but it does piss me off.

    Then I get hit again. And again.

    "ARGH! Motherfucker!" I swing around to face whatever the fuck is hitting us, and what I see makes me freeze.

    Standing in front of the crystal, is some dude in silvery robes. He''s holding some kind of long wooden staff with something that looks like a unicorn''s horn at the end of it, and he has the head of a giraffe or some shit.

    But whoever this fucker is, he ain''t gonna have no kind of head when I''m done with his ass.

 Monstersve Gotta Pay, Too

    I don''t have time to think about the fact that Zazel was just nuked by a giraffe wizard.

    "You wanna go, asshole," I explode into a sprint, "Let''s motherfucking go!"

    The strange creature points his staff right at my head.

    "I''ll ram that sick up your ass!"

    As I close the distance, and he launches another bolt. I duck and it goes whizzing past me, and I can feel the heat of the light as it does. It must have missed my head by less than an inch.

    "RRRGH!"

    I take a deep breath and pull out my power as I charge at this fuckhead. My rage explodes out of me, and the ground shudders and cracks under my feet.

    I cock my fist back. "See you in hell!"

    Just before the swing, he explodes in a super fucking bright flash of white light.

    I punch blind with a haymaker, and there''s a crack of thunder and a rush of wind. My eyes readjust quickly enough, but I can''t find the bastard.

    Sure wish I had my fucking shades!

    Raelith and Domina shout in alarm.

    I spin around, and Giraffey McFuckFace is behind them, holding his staff, pointing it at the pile of Domina''s clones that are covering Zazel.

    The asshole launches a big-ass beam of light that tears up the grass and trees in a straight line. Raelith sees it and jumps in front of i

    "AAARRRRGGHH!" She screams as she gets hosed by a continuous ray of white energy. She turns her weapon into a shield, but her body is already smoking from the burns.

    "Fuck!" I explode over in a mad sprint, but just before I get there, Domina pops out of the pile of clones.

    She claps her hands twice and thrusts them forward, sending out a flurry of five smokey glowing blue darts of energy. They flow in an arc at the asshole, and he freezes for a moment before disappearing in another bright ass flash again. The darts float by him harmlessly.

    But then they start arching back toward us.

    I rush over to the Elementals to play human shield, but the shots of energy curve around me as they whiz by like bunch of pigeons flying into oncoming traffic. I secure the girls, then spin around again, ready to act as soon as the fuck tries to blast us again.

    But fortunately for us, he''s totally distracted by the nasty pickle he''s gotten himself into.

    Giraffeface sees the missiles coming for him again, and he flashes away. But as soon as he reappears, they change direction and come back for his ass.

    "Ha! Motherfucking homing missles, bitch!"

    The hairy asshole blinks and flashes here and there and everywhere. But no matter what he does, he can''t shake them.

    "Hahaha! Get fucked, dude!"

    He blinks one more time, and the energy blasts come back at him once again. He gropes around and shakes his staff, but nothing happens, and projectiles converge on him. The bastard tries to hightail out of there, but he barely gets 10 feet before they slam into him with a series of gentle poofing sounds. The air around him becomes filled with big, bright blue puffs of smoke, and when it clears, the giraffe dude is on the ground, passed out.

    "Yeah, that''s what the fuck I''m talkin'' about!" I shout. "Domina, you''re fucking badass! Nice job!"

    Domina''s cheeks get rosy. "You''re too kind, Master, but I was only able to do that because of the gift you gave to me."

    "Raelith! You good?"

    She coughs a couple of times, nodding. "Now I know what was watching us."

    "That''s why you were staring off into space today?"

    There''s a loud moan from under the pile of clones. A loud, angry moan.

    "Shit, Zazel!"

    "Ugh, ge- get off of me, wine dispenser!"

    "My apologies, Madam Zazel!" The clones say in unison.

    The clones vanish in a blink of purple and Domina rushes to her side. "Are you alright?"

    She looks like she just got nuked in the face. Her skin is covered in black crusty splotches, her white outit looks torn and melted, and one of her pigtails is now just a smoldering stump.

    "No, I''m not alright, you nitwit! Do you have any idea how much it hurts to get hit by such raw Order magic? Where is that wretched creature!?"

    "He''s over there," I point. "Domina put him to sleep, I think."

    She bend as bit and looks past me for a moment. "Well, that''s not good enough. Out of my way, egg!"

    "What? You''re gonna kill it in its sleep? Do we even know what it is? It kinda acted like a person."

    "Do you truly know- Do you really know nothing? With one s-stupid exception, there are no people aside of Elementals on Astraea." She points a shaky finger at giraffe man. "That thing is a- It''s a monster."

    "A monster?" I turn back toward it. "Are you sure? Wait, since when does Astraea have monsters?"

    "Since you started release- Releasing Elementals and the mana started co- Coalescing into these damnable rock- These bloody crystals!" She raises her left hand, which starts radiating some weird ass energy. "I h-have no more patience to attempt- To attempt to move the mountain that is y-your stupidity. Stand. Aside."

    Raelith steps forward, anger written all over her face. "If we don''t kill it, it will surely stalk us again." She warps her weapon into the biggest hammer she''s made yet. "And I would have blood. It has been far too long, Beautiful."

    I shrug and sight. "This is fucked, but I guess you''re right."

    Did you know this text is from a different site? Read the official version to support the creator.

    "Of course I am! N-now move!" Zazel''s hand shit starts intensifying. "Sister! We strike at the same- At the same time!"

    "Whatever." I start walking over to Domina. "But we''re not eating it."

    Zazel and Raelith get a little closer to the unconscious, furry giraffe wizard. Raelith warps away her hammer and raises her left hand, which starts radiating a bloody red aura.

    I shake my head and take a deep breath.

    "Stnaryt fo enab eht ma I! Soahc Ekove: Suoticilpud Gnireffus Fo Eht Nori Nediam!"

    "Liaf sdrow nehw semoc tahw ma I! Latem fo Mortsleam!"

    In an instant the hairy dude bursts into three duplicates, each of which is skewered mercilessly by Raelith''s rain of flaming spikes. The poor fuckers wake up and screaming like panicked animals, struggling uselessly with their impaled bodies.

    Then some crazy, silvery glowing coffin things come up from the ground and swallow them up in a huge fucking maw filled with long spiky shit.

    The poor fuckers are silenced almost instantly as the mouths slam shut, crushing their bodies into a bloody paste.

    "Jeeeesus!" I jump away from the carnage.

    The boxes disappear in a puff of thick gray smoke, leaving behind only some florescent orange blood, a broken staff, and a couple of broken limbs.

    Raelith turns to Zazel. "Thanks for the assist, Sister."

    "Shaddap."

    I sigh, looking at the two Elementals'' burnt bodies. My conscious is pestering me like all hell about killing something that can''t defend itself. But seeing their awful, cauterized wounds makes me realize that I''m in not in any position to judge their actions, especially given the way I act.

    Motherfuckers''ve gotta pay, after all.

    I walk over to them. "Fuck. Are you guys satisfied now?"

    They exchange looks, then give me a curt little nod.

    "Okay. I''m gonna smash that crystal and then we can get outta here," I glance around at the dark forest bathed in the red light of the huge crystal. "This place gives me the creeps."

    I get in front of the crystal, take a breath and punch it hard as I can. It glows pink and cracks a little.

    "Shit, not hard enough."

    As cautiously as a possibly can, I carefully draw up some rage power.

    Careful, Ferdie.

    My core starts burning, my hands start shaking, and my blood starts flowing like hot, molten iron. I clench my fists, grit my teeth, and punch hard as I can. The impact is so fucking violent, it''s like being in the middle of a bomb blast.

    My ears are ringing, and the ground is a little smoky from the energy of the strike. Fortunately, the crystal is gone, and a small glowing red marble is floating where the mass of the rock was.

    "Hmph. Come to daddy."

    I walk over and grab it. The little jewel feels pleasantly warm in my hand.

    I close my eyes. Pendant! You know what to do!

    The blue runes start scrolling.

    ORDER SPELL: ALCHEMICAL FORM: LEVEL 2: THE CASTER''S BODY, CLOTHING, AND GEAR INSTANTLY BECOME GOLD, SILVER, PLATINUM, RHODIUM, OR ANOTHER PRECIOUS METAL OF THEIR CHOICE, IN EITHER SOLID OR LIQUID FORM, FOR UP TO TEN MINUTES.

    WHILE TRANSFORMED, THE CASTER''S BODY TAKES ON ALL THE PROPERTIES OF THE CHOSEN METAL, AND LOSES THE PROPERTIES AND ABILITIES OF THEIR NATURAL FORM EXCEPT THEIR CONSCIOUSNESS AND COGNITIVE CAPABILITIES. IN THEIR METALLIC FORM THE CASTER CAN EXTENT THEIR MATTER AWAY FROM THEIR CORE UP TO 50 FEET.

    IF AN EFFECT WOULD CAUSE THE METALLIC BODY TO SEPARATE IN ANY FASHION, THE SPELL''S EFFECT ENDS INSTANTLY AND THE CASTER TAKES A MODERATE AMOUNT OF SLASHING AND BLUDGEONING DAMAGE.

    "Ugh, let me guess: it''s an Order spell," Zazel growls.

    "What? How do you know?"

    "It''s obvious, isn''t it? That crystal was overflowing with Order mana. Couldn''t y-you feel it?"

    "Huh? Feel what?"

    Zazel sighs and turns to Domina. "Maid. I''ve had quite enough of these shenanigans. I would enjoy some dinner, wine, and a good night''s sleep."

    "Of course, Lady Zazel." She bows, then turns to me, hands folded in front of her. "It has been quite the journey, and, if I''ve understood correctly, we have a hike through a jungle to undertake soon. Perhaps we should stay here tonight and tackle the next leg of the journey fully refreshed under the morning sun?"

    I turn to Raelith. She has burns all over her arms and face. She''s staring at me, her eye twinkling in the darkness of the evening.

    "Yo, Raelith. You good with staying the night here?"

    She shrugs. "Whatever you say is fine, Beautiful."

    "Cool."

    I look at Zazel, she''s hunched over a bit with her hand on her roasted side.

    "How are you feeling? Are you okay?"

    Zazel narrows her eyes and frowns. "Don''t get soft on me, egg. The creature didn''t hit my stone, so all will be well enough in- In due time! Let us stay here for now."

    "Guess that''s a green light," I shrug. "Yeah, might as well set up here. I''m not about to go marching through the jungle in the dark anyways."

    Dominal bows. "Excellent, Master. Now, if you would all kindly make your way to the edge of the clearing, I may begin my duties without worry."

    We all walk over to the treeline, and I give her a thumbs up.

    She bows, and starts clapping clones into existence. In a few moments, there are a dozen of them, and they start clapping even more copies of themselves, and they start clapping, and it just keeps going. Soon, the grove is full of of clones, and they spread out in a circle, forming a ring of maids on the edge of the grove.

    "Everyone, on three," Shouts the real Domina. "One, two, three!"

    CLAP!

    There''s a big, gentle purple glow that hangs in the air for a few seconds, and when it fades, my house stands in its place.

    "Whoa..."

    "Your home, Master," she says, bowing to me. "Please, go inside and get comfortable."

    "Oh, I intend to," Zazel says, walking over.

    <hr>

    Just going inside makes me feel comfortable and safe, like getting wrapped up in a warm blanket on a cold night. And it looks like the Elementals feel the same way. As soon as get inside, I can hear Zazel complaining and shouting orders, and Raelith starts stripping off her armor, letting the pieces fall on the floor as she grunts and sighs with relief.

    I strip off what''s left of the cooked pirate shirt and hand it to Domina, who swears she will fix it tonight. I tell her to take her time.

    I ''m just about to head to the kitchen to get some booze and jerky when a big, soft hand claps on my shoulder.

    "Well, Beautiful, it seems I landed the finishing blow today!" Raelith''s eye glitters with pride.

    "Yeah, how about that." I smile weakly, thinking about how the giraffe got eaten alive by those weird boxes.

    "Come. I would bathe before our meal."

    I do a double take. "Huh? You wanna take bath with me?"

    She grins, her teeth white in the candlelight. "Yes, I do."

    "I dunno, I-"

    Domina''s words pop into my mind. I remember what she said about Elementals, and how having a relationship with the hero is important to them. And seeing the wound where the giraffe fucker melted through her armor makes me feel kind of guilty. She''s not mad at me, but I know I still let her down.

    If I use my power, I hurt them. And if don''t use my power, get hurt anyway. What the fuck am I supposed to do?

    Raelith grunts and pulls me by the arm. "Less thinking, more bathing!"

    "Yo, hey-"

    <hr>

    The huge, soapy bath feels nice. It reminds me a little bit of the bath in Harry Potter, but instead of an annoying ghost girl pestering me, I have a huge Elemental washing my back way too fucking hard.

    "Raelith, cool it on the sponge, okay?" I wince as she scrubs my back. "You''re gonna peel my skin off."

    "Sorry! I''m a bit eager, is all." She laughs. "I can''t tell you how good it feels to take down a flesh and bone enemy."

    "Even when you get your shit rocked like that?"

    "Especially then. I''m proud of these scars. They are proof that I am stronger now than I was before I received them. And you can''t put a price on that kind of pride, Beautiful."

    "But they''re gonna heal soon, aren''t?"

    "Unfortunately, my skin will soon return to its inglorious state."

    "Yeah." I grunt again as she applies more pressure. "Your stone didn''t get damaged, right?"

    "It is fine. You would know if it wasn''t."

    "Yeah. Well, I''m sorry I couldn''t stop you from getting hurt. Fucker was fast."

    "Hmph. I do not need your protection. My only disappointment was that the fight did not last longer."

    "If you say so."

    She''s actually really forgiving, in her own way. I almost wish she would bitch me out a little.

    The scrubbing gets harder and harder.

    I crank my head around. "Ow, Raelith! That hurts!"

    The scrubbing stops.

    "You don''t have to stop, just ease up a bit."

    No more scrubbing. She''s dead silent.

    "Yo, what-"

    Raelith stands up and climbs out of the bath. Soaking wet and covered with suds, she stomps over to the stained glass window, and opens it.

    I stand up too. "Raelith?"

    She doesn''t say anything. She just stands there, staring at the forest.

    "Shit, are there-"

    The Elemental holds out a hand to shut me up, as she scans the darkness. Then after a few more moments, she steps back and closes the window.

    "What is it?" I whisper.

    Her face is dark. "I think we''re still being watched."

 The Elemental of Nature

    Oh, sweet! I finally figured it out!

    There is a flash of white light, and feel the weight of my duds clinging to me. I asked the pendant if there was a way to restore my clothing, and I guess if it is given to you as a part of your class, you can restore it every so often.

    "Finally! No more fighting naked."

    I look down at my restored clothes, and start to feel pretty damn pleased with myself. My biker jacket, t-shirt, jeans, belt, boots are all back and in mint condition. I smile from ear to ear as I flutter and smooth out my fresh outfit.

    And after a good night''s rest, Elementals are back in rare form as well. There is little sign that they were ever hosed down with the concentrated power of fucking sun.

    Zazel folds her arms over her chest and taps her foot. "Are you quite done, brisket? I would like to get this over with quickly," she glances over at the tree line a few dozen yards way, her two little Spawn bodyguards following suit. "We''re not even in the jungle proper and the humidity is already abysmal. I can''t wait to leave this place."

    "Yeah, yeah, keep your panties on. Just one more detail."

    I pat down my jacket, and feel the sweetest little lump. Reaching inside  my finger slides across the cool metal of a fresh pair of aviators. I pull them out, flick them, and slide ''em on real smooth.

    "Welcome home, baby."

    "Well, I''ve had enough of this ridiculous show of narcissism," says Zazel, rolling her eyes. "I''m glad you''ve figured out how your clothing works, but we have more important things to do, so can we please get on with our little escapade? My baby says the Elemental is expecting us."

    "Hey, don''t get bitchy at me just because you have a hangover. Nobody asked you to drink three bottles of wine."

    She huffs and turns away, her Thralls mimicking her in their own slimy way.

    Domina approaches with a whole gaggle of clones armed with Bloodiron machetes following behind. "We are ready to embark on your word, Master!"

    "Cool. Raelith, you sense any weird shit out there?"

    Raelith shakes her head and waves her Bloodiron hammer, a huge, heavy thing the size of a keg, around in the air. "Nothing in particular, Beautiful. But I just know something is out there. I can feel it in my blood."

    A couple of her War Bastards are with her. The pint-sized suits of heavy metal midget armor rattle and make brief little laughing and screaming noises, which I guess is their fucked up way of affirming her opinion.

    "I guess we''re just going to have to roll the dice." I crack my neck and stretch a bit. "Let''s get goin''."

    Domina and her clones lead the group, hacking away at the foliage so we can move through the forest. The rest of us follow behind, with a few extra Domina clones in the rear. The jungle is hot, sticky, and the trees are so tall, we''re mostly in the shade, which is nice, even though I''m not really bothered by it anyway. Maybe that''s why I actually enjoy our little romp and stomp our way up the misty slope.

    It''s hot as fresh cow shit, but the place is an absolute wonder. I saw some pictures in one of my dad''s ancient magazines about the Amazon Rainforest, but this shit blows that right out of the water. There are a million different plants and animals everywhere, and all of them are super fucking weird and colorful, like a zoo on acid. There''s even a big ass river with huge fucking flowers floating on the surface, and it''s absolutely breathtaking.

    The only problem is the mist. It gets thicker and thicker the more we go and, I almost walk off the side of a ridge. I save myself at the last second, but it put the fear of god in me for a second.

    "Master, are you alright?" Domina asks, running over.

    "Yeah. Shit, that was a rush."

    "I would ask that you please be more careful, Master. Your safety is important to me."

    "A little fall like that wouldn''t do much, but thanks."

    "Yes," Zazel turns around. "But if you fell down that far, we would be here that much longer. Do mind your step, egg."

    "Wow, thanks for your concern."

    Raelith looks around a bit, then turns to me. "I don''t like this mist, Beautiful. It gets thicker the higher we climb."

    "True. Anyone got some magic that can deal with it?"

    No one says anything.

    "Figures."

    We keep on trekkin'' through the thickening fog, climbing up the mountain. The mist gets so thick, that we have to walk in a tight little line as the

    "How the fuck are we supposed to find anything like this?"

    "The domain is close," Zazel says. "My baby says the hike is steep, but we''ll be fine once we hit the crest."

    "Good. Yo, Raelith, you still not sensing anything?"

    "No, Beautiful. Nothing but-"

    "AHH! HELP!"

    My blood runs cold as one of the maids that was hacking steps to close to the edge of the slope, slips on some loose soil.

    "MASTER!"

    I reach out on instinct, but stay put. One false, move, and the rest of us might end up joining her.

    She falls over the side, crashing  through the vegetation on the steep slop and disappearing into the mist below. I don''t even hear hear hit the bottom.

    "Fuck! That was a clone, right!?"

    "It was, thankfully." Domina places a hand on my shoulder from behind me. "Still, it is a frightening to see myself fall to my death."

    "Yeah, I bet." A little wave of relief flows through me. "Just stay frosty, girls. This shit is getting narrower by the second and you guys are toast if you slip and fall from here." I look down the ridge for a moment. It''s full of mist, but I can feel the abyss practically trying to suck me in, and it makes me shudder a bit.

    We push forward in single file, with the clones and Thralls keeping it tight and on point, hacking through the vegetation. The trail gets narrower and the foliage gets thicker, not to mention steeper.

    Shit, are we gonna have to start climbing this bitch? I swear if-

    Suddenly, the bushes crack and erupt, and a bright red and yellow parrot-like bird bursts out of nowhere, scaring the shit out of us. Its red and yellow tail stream behind it as flies squawking over our heads and out of the ridge.

    Raelith warps her hammer into a some sort of ring-shaped blade and hurls it at the graceful creature. The blade glides like a spinning jet through the air in a wicked arc, severing the poor thing in half. The bird''s broken body falls out of the air and disappears into the mist.

    The narrative has been illicitly obtained; should you discover it on Amazon, report the violation.

    "HAHAHA! GLORIOUS HUNT!" Raelith''s roar shakes the jungle.

    "Yo, what the fuck, Raelith!?" I say, grabbing her shoulder. "The fuck was that for?!"

    She turns and grins. "That was a good hunt."

    "A hunt?" I sigh. "You just murdered a parrot that randomly flew out of the bushes. It wasn''t threatening us."

    "Hmph. Perhaps on your world, the birds are weak and pathetic. But on Astraea, any beast could prove deadly. We cannot underestimate them. Did you learn nothing from last night?"

    "Dude, that giraffe dickhead was a monster, right? What you just clipped was just a regular little jungle bird."

    "Perhaps. But it is better not to take chances."

    "Whatever. Can you try to be a little less savage from now on? We don''t want to, like, fuck with the ecosystem or whatever."

    "Eco- what?"

    "Just try not to kill everything you see."

    Reverberating metal sings through the air as Raelith flips her hair."If you say so, Beautiful." Raelith reaches out and catches her parrot slayer without even looking. "But don''t expect me to hold back when the monsters come out of the woodwork."

    We keep on climbing. The mist gets even thicker, and we''re holding onto each other as we climb. Soon, though, the trees and bushes start to thin a bit, and the ground starts to level.

    One of the clones stops hacking, and pushes ahead into the milky white mist.

    "Yo, where you goin''?"

    She ignores me as she disappears from view.

    "You listening!?"

    I wait for her to shout back, but she doesn''t say anything. Everyone stops in their tracks.

    I turn around. "Domina?"

    She shakes her head.

    "Master," the clone''s voice rings happily through the mist, "you must see this!"

    We push through the thick white wall, which suddenly breaks and clears completely, as if we''re passing through some kind of curtain from one room to another.

    My jaw drops. "Holy shit."

    Below us is a colorful, sunbathed valley filled to the brim with all kinds of leafy plants with shit tons of colorful flowers and fruits of all shapes and sizes. And smack dab in the middle of it all is an enormous stone pyramid, covered with all kinds of plants and vines. It looks like some ancient Aztec shit from Indiana Jones or something, except it looks new and shiny. It glows with a green aura that''s eye-catching even in the sunlight. A long-ass flight of glistening steps lead up to the entrance just short of very top of it.

    Zazel sighs. "At least we can see our destination now."

    Domina and Raelith step forward, letting out their fair share of oohs and aahs as they take in the the sight.

    Finally Domina turns to me. "Master, shall I lead us to the pyramid?"

    "Yeah. And keep an eye out for monsters. It doesn''t look like there are any crystals around here, but I don''t want to get jumped again."

    "Yes, Master. You heard him, sisters," she double claps, "forward!"

    We all file in after her as the clones and thralls cut the path to the valley. Once we''re down there, it feels a lot like we''re in a field or orchard rather than a rainforest, but I don''t give a damn because of the beautiful view and lack of suffocating mist.

    The closer we get to the pyramid, the bigger it looks. When we finally reach the bottom, it seems even larger, and I can barely make out the top. There is a really long and wide flight of stairs leading up to what I guess is probably the entrance.

    "Brisket!" Zazel snaps out. "I demand you put your brutish strength to some actual good use and carry me up that monstrous flight of stairs!"

    "I ain''t no taxi, lady."

    "This is absurd!" she bitches. "What is even the purpose of this ridiculous climb!?"

    "I dunno. To get to the top?"

    "Don''t get smart! If you really want to-"

    Zazel squeals like an angry little piggy as Raelith scoops her up and puts her on her shoulders like a little kid. "I''ll take you, sis! You will find no better ride in all of Astraea!"

    The short Elemental is big mad, but doesn''t do much more than pout as Raelith starts climbing. I laugh at her, and Domina does too, until she notices me watching.

    I take the lead with the Elemental of War and her cargo, and the maids and thralls take up the rear. My boots make a cool clanking sound when I walk, which I dig, and when we finally get to the landing at the top, I see a huge stone arch, and a wide, yawning black passage. It glows with a cool green light that glitters from thin cracks in the walls.

    We hear the sound of something sploshing around from inside.

    "There you are, precious!" Zazel pats Raelith. "Let me down, you oaf!"

    Raelith shrugs and places Zazel on the ground, who walks toward the entrance with her arms held wide.

    A little Spawn bounces out from the entrance and leaps into her arms. Zazel giggles and squeezes it, causing a cluster of its amber-colored eyes to bulge. The other two ones that are with her jump into their sibling, making bulge even more.

    "Well done, precious! We''ll be heading home soon." Zazel''s eyes light up. "My precious little baby found the Elemental for us."

    Domina and I exchange glances. "Oh, that''s fantastic," I say, faking enthusiasm. "By the way, is this Elemental cool? She''s not gonna try to wreck our shit as soon as we get in there, yeah?"

    "I don''t believe she is hostile, but she''s staying tight-lipped, which I suppose means she is reserving her judgement for when she meets you." She puts down her butt baby and turns, pointing a finger strait me. "So be on your best behavior egg! If that collar of yours is to be believed, we have less than a month left before those Liberation characters come here, and we can''t afford to squander time! Not to mention I don''t want have been burned half to death for nothing!"

    "Yeah, yeah, I get it. I''ll stay cool if she stays cool."

    Zazel stares at me, not in irritation as she usually does, but with an expectant look, as if she''s waiting for me to say something.

    I turn up my palms. "What?"

    "First impressions are important. Do you remember who she is?"

    "Uh, you said she''s the Elemental of Nurture, right?"

    She narrows her eyes."Nature, you idiot." She blinks hard and shakes her head. "And I don''t suppose you would remember her True Name?"

    "How the hell would I know that?"

    "Oh, you don''t know it? You knew my mine. And the bootlicker''s."

    "That''s different." I feel a tiny flame flicker in my chest.

    "How so? If you knew ours, then why not hers?"

    My core starts acting up for real now. "Your mother''s smelly pussy, that''s why."

    Her face scrunches hard. "What is that supposed to mean?"

    I start walking inside. "Like you said, we don''t have time to waste, and I''m not playing 20 Questions with your annoying ass. Let''s go."

    I start to roll through the entrance and down the corridor, and the other Elementals fall in line after a few seconds.

    As we pass under the stone arch, we enter the tunnel and a warm, pleasant aroma fills the air. Domina''s clones and our little handful of thralls file in behind us. But all I can think about is Zazel''s bullshit.

    Zazel thinks she''s so smart, but if she really was, then she would know when to shut the fuck up.

    Soon, we enter a spacious and ornate chamber bathed in a gentle green light. It''s impressive enough to take my thoughts off of Zazel, and I take a few moments to soak it all in.

    On the walls, there are of of animals. The Catbirds and Girafficorns are there, along with the Bullpigdogs, but most look completely unfamiliar to me.But one creature stands out to me the most: a big furry animal with a body a long, lizard-like body and a stretched out, droopy face like an anteater''s. Even though it looks pretty goofy, I can''t help but feel a bit unsettled by it.

    "I don''t have time to play 20 Questions with your annoying ass. Let''s Goooo!" says Zazel in a deep voice, clearly trying to sound as stupid as she thinks I am. "Hahahaa! That is a great impression!"

    I turn to her, ready to lay her out. "Zazel-"

    "Just a joke, egg. Now hurry along," she pats a pedestal with a green orb hovering above it in the middle of the chamber.

    I look around. "Hurry along to where, exactly? I don''t see no doors."

    She shrugs and points to the green marble. "We have to touch the orb."

    Domina walks forward. "Allow me, Lady Zazel." She places her hands on the orb. "Please come over here, Master."

    I get my ass over there and she rubs is a few times. The the room starts to vibrate little, the ground shifts, and the middle of the room starts sliding down like an elevator.

    The magical lift takes us deeper and deeper into the pyramid''s base, and seems to go on forever. But just when I''m about to ask how long this little ride is going to be, the darkness of the stone shaft gives way and opens to up into an absolutely massive cavern. The whole thing probably goes on for a mile in each direction. There are glowing plants and mushrooms everywhere, and a lake of shimmering turquoise water is stretched out under us.

    "Holy shit, dude. The lights here are like Central on meth!"

    "I could make quite the concoction with some of these plants."

    "I wonder if I can eat any of those mushrooms. Oh, look at those fruits!"

    "If you find something safe to eat, I can prepare for your any way you like, Lady Raelith!"

    "Yeah, this is a pretty sick view, ain''t it?" I turn to look at Zazel. Her eyes are fixed on the far end of the huge-ass cave. I turn to look, and I spot what she''s looking at.

    I lift up my shades and squint my eyes. I make out a tall, lean woman with green hair wearing some kind of colorful outfit. She''s on an island that''s jutting out of the water in the middle of it all, sitting cross legged on a mushroom or something.

    I guess that''s the Elemental.

    The elevator finally stops, locking into a platform connected to the island by a stone bridge. We waste no time in getting on with things and make the trek across the long bridge. Once we''re close enough, the woman stands.

    Her skin glows with a healthy tan. Her face is both strong and feminine. Her emerald green eyes, big and almond-shaped, seem to pierce through everything as she watches our little party walk toward her. Her hair is long and straight flowing down naturally like a water fall, and she wears a beautiful, but modest crown made up of leaves and flowers. She clinging tightly to her learn, tall body is a leather top and shorts made with the furs of some kind of colorful animal.

    She has an elegant beauty to her, and her eyes are kind, yet fierce. Like all the other Elementals, she''s pretty damn hot, and basically any dude back on Earth probably would crawl across used syringes and hot coals just to smell one of her farts.

    I give her a wide, cool wave. "Yo, can we talk for a minute?"

    She nods slowly, and a gentle smile graces her lips. "Of course. I have been expecting you, Hero."

 Friendship Is Jerky

    Everyone -even Zazel- is quiet and somber as I tell the Elemental of Nature about the oncoming war.

    I don''t know how much time passes as I give her the rundown, but it goes by fast. I tell her everything about what God said, the Liberation Society, and what we''e planning to do about the invasion. Occasionally, the Elemental asks a question, but mostly she stays quiet as I tell her about everything.

    When I finally stop, her eyes slowly move over to me and lock with mine.

    "So the alpha finally appears, but only to bring tidings of the omega," she looks down at the fire again and adjusts her shish kebabs of potatoes and mushrooms. "It''s not really what I''ve been expecting all these hundreds of years."

    I shrug. "What were you expecting, then?"

    "The Hero is supposed to Release all the Elementals and take us on a great journey to wake up Astraea and usher in the beginning of history. To create a new world and civilization." She closes her eyes and sighs. "Instead, we face extinction."

    "The hell we do! We''re gonna beat the shit out of the Limp Dicks so hard they''ll never even think about fucking with this world again." I ball my fists. "Defeat ain''t any kind of option. I''ll kill all them motherfuckers if I have to."

    Raelith, snacking on a mushkebab, nods and grunts loudly.

    Nature smiles somberly. "I see," she takes a deep breath. "I have heard much of you and your power. You are all strong, even if you don''t work very well together at times."

    "You''ve been watching us?"

    "Not me, but the animals and plants. Your power is especially impressive; you are a worthy alpha in that regard."

    "Respectfully, Nature," Zazel butts in, "I might suggest not using the term ''alpha'' when referring to him. It is entirely too generous of a title, and his ego inflated as it is."

    I scowl at her. "Look who''s talkin''."

    "Yes, well," Nature goes on, unfazed, "while strength is important to maintaining a pack, unbridled viciousness is not."

    "What? Whaddya mean by that?"

    "Animals who live in packs will often fight for dominance, but few of those fights result in death. Once a victor is clear, the life of the loser is often spared. This is because losing a pack member weakens the whole, and threatens the survival of the very young the alpha seeks to create."

    "So?"

    Zazel moans. "I believe I can see where this is going."

    "In order to ensure the survival of the next generation," Nature goes on, "a beast must not only be strong enough to fight for status, but measured enough to ensure the integrity of its pack. This balance is important for any social species to survive and thrive. Do you understand what I mean?"

    "No, not really."

    "Unbelievable," says Zazel, rolling her eyes. "God gave you the power to punch a mountain into dust, but not quite enough brains to appreciate subtext."

    I turn and glare at her. "If you know, then why don''t you just explain it, Einstein?"

    "What is an Einstein?" She shakes her head. "Ugh, just listen. She wants to help us fight, but has reservations about doing so because she''s been watching your unbridled lunacy and stupidity unfold in real time. As such, she''s probably concerned about your ability to lead us," she turns to the Elemental and fold her arms, "and most like wants to put us through a tedious Trial to prove that you''re capable not turning us all into gristle in the process of defending our world."

    My core flares a bit. "Oh, okay. No need to sugarcoat it."

    The Elemental looks at Zazel and smiles. "I am impressed with your insight, but make no mistake, the Hero is not the only source of concern."

    She looks at Raelith, who is chewing on a leg of meat Domina just served to her.

    "I saw what you did to that bird, War." She gives Raelith a serious look, then softens little. "Though, perhaps that is a matter best discussed in the future. In any case, my concerns about you, Hero, have nothing to do with your ability to fight, but everything to do with your attitude."

    Man, everyone is always judgin'' the shit out of me. Can''t a guy get a break?

    She gets to her feet and steps in front of me, and I stand to meet her. She''s not quite as tall as Raelith, but she''s still a lot of woman.

    "I will aid your endeavor to save this world and its people, Hero. But only after you pass my trial and prove your ability to not only fight, but to protect."

    Heating inside me, my core churns. "Fine. I''ll do this lame trial. What the hell do have to do?"

    "Very good. But first, a question."

    I fold my arms. "What?"

    She her expression turns from patient and gentle to deadly serious. "Hero, if you win the war against this Liberation Society, what will you do after?"

    "What will I do after?"

    "Yes. If you win, you will become the leader of this world. It is your destiny as the Hero. What is your vision for Astraea? What kind of world will you make?"

    "I''m not really thinkin'' that far ahead. I just want to protect you guys, kick a metric ton of ass, and get my revenge on the assholes who killed me and fucked up my world."

    "Hm. Hero, do you wish for your descendants to inherit the world you will create, and rule over it themselves?"

    I pause. "Kids? I can''t even have kids. Ain''t no humans on this world."

    She stares deep into my eyes, like she''s looking for something in particular.

    "Hmm," she frowns a little. "An honest enough answer, I suppose." The intensity leaves her face, replaced by kindness and patience. "Let us proceed. Hero, you are a being of immense power. But do you have what it takes to nurture a new world?"

    She closes her eyes, and whole area is bathed in a green glow, then everything around us starts shaking.

    "Yo, what are you doing?"

    The rumbling stops, and the Elemental opens her eyes. "Hero, I have your trial."

    Zazel, Raelith, and Domina stand with me, ready for anything.

    "South of here, a short distance away, a baby animal has lost its parents to monsters. The monsters haven''t noticed it yet, but it is only a matter of time before they do. Find the cub, protect it, and bring it back to me."

    I blink. "Wait, that''s it? Find a lost animal?"

    She nods. "That''s it. You have two hours to find and bring the cub to me alive." She raises a hand and a glowing green hourglass, filled with golden sand, floats above it. "The timer begins... now."

    The sand starts flowing, and the hourglass floats and hangs in the air next to the Elemental.

    "Alright then," I turn and point at everyone, "get your asses moving! We''re gonna save the shit out of that animal!"This story has been stolen from Royal Road. If you read it on Amazon, please report it

    <hr>

    Back outside, at the foot of the pyramid, we pump the breaks for a bit to take stock of everything and get organized.

    I turn around and look at the crew. We have the three Elementals, a couple of War Bastards, and one fat Butt Ugly Spawn.

    "So, anyone got any ideas how we can find a little animal in a huge ass jungle?"

    "Master," says Domina, "I suggest we spread out to cover more ground and find it more quickly."

    "Right, do that clone thing you do, and we can spread out like a fan and head south. That''s as good of a game plan as any." I scratch my head. "I just wish she''d given us a hint about what it looks like."

    Zazel fingers her cheek. "If she didn''t tell us, it''s probably because it will be obvious when we see it." She taps her foot and looks at the sky. "Ugh, what a tiresome-"

    "I''m going to run ahead!" says Raelith, transforming her weapon into an enormous battleaxe. "I will save this cub, Beautiful!" She bolts off like an Olympic runner, and quickly disappears into the foliage, cutting through bushes and trees in like a whirlwind of muscle and iron.

    "Yo, wait!" I shout. "Shit, I guess Raelith''s on point. Let''s move."

    As, we get our asses moving, Domina claps about a hundred times, and just as many clones blink into existence. Domina gives them their orders, and they rush past us, spreading out in every direction as they rush though the bushy valley.

    <hr>

    "Goddamnit," I punch a fat hole in a nearby tree, "where is that little bastard!? We''ve been running around like dumbasses for almost an hour already!"

    "Settle down, egg. We have time enough." barks Zazel. "Although, that doesn''t mean the monsters won''t get to the animal before our time-"

    "Fuck that! We''re gonna find it, beat the shit out of those monsters, and get that Elemental!"

    I stomp away and start tearing through the jungle like an animal. I tear through plants and branches, but no matter how fast I run, or how many places I look, I can''t find it, or any monsters.

    I keep tearing through the brush, shredding ferns and crushing old logs under my feet until I reach the edge of the forest, where the land opens up and the trees become much sparser. It looks kind of promising for some reason, but I don''t see any baby animals or monsters.

    Just when I''m about to say fuck this whole trial, a weird little scream cuts through the air. I whip around, and about a hundred yards ahead of me, in a little clearing on the crest of a small ridge, a pack of big greasy black and brown beetle-looking assholes are surrounding a little formation boulders. Standing on their hind legs, they swipe at the rocks with their four other limbs, while others try to push and pull away at the pile with their big ass set of horn-like pincers.

    "Shit, that must be it up there! I''m going ahead, cover me when you get there!"

    "What? I don''t-"

    "Master!"

    I reach down next to Zazel and grab her Butt Ugly Spawn, clutching it in my hand like a giant glob of wet dough. "I''m borrowing this!"

    She slaps my arm a couple of times. "Unhand my baby, you absolute fiend!"

    "No time!"

    I pull up some of my rage power, as it hits me hard and fast, cooking my throat and mouth a bit. "RRGGHH!" I push it back down, but not before coughing up some fire. Shit, gotta be careful.

    Fueled by a dose of stellar rage, I hop through the bushes and up the incline like a kangaroo on crack. Branches scratch up my face and vines snag on my limbs as I rip through them like cheap paper. Then with a final, mighty leap, I soar and land right dead on top of one of those fuckin'' beetle bastards.

    "Sup, fuckers!"

    The monsters stop and turn to me, hissing and chittering like insects, then they turn to me, their nasty little mandibles chomping and dripping with a nauseating, sloppy pus. They make a high-pitched hissing noise as they slowly close in on me.

    I hear another noise, something like a bark or squeal, coming from underneath the rocks. A beetle bastard is on all sixes, trying push its pincers inside a gap of at the base of the pile.

    I clutch the wet Spawn tight. "Time to put your ugly ass to work!" I hurl it at the bug poking at the rocks and it connects with a loud, wet slap.

    The beetle rolls around on the ground, waving its arms and legs and shrieking. Then, the Spawn splits open, revealing an absolute horror show of a maw, with rows and rows of nasty yellowed teeth. With with two sicking crunches, the bug goes still.

    Another bug fucker tries to gore me, but I punch it right in the face and its head explodes like an old tomato. Another beetle bastard jumps on my back, and it feels like it''s trying to chomp the shit out of me. But its pincers and mandibles don''t do a goddamn thing to my jacket or skin.

    I let out an animalistic growl, then reach over and pull it off of me. Then, I throw the motherfucker down onto the dirt and start stomping the shit out of it. Its thick shell cracks, and milky green innards spill out on the ground.

    The last of the bunch follow up real quick, and I meet them with a wall of punches. The fucking idiots rush into my attacks like zombies, each getting chewed up and scattered in all directions. Soon, the whole lot of them are laying around my feet in a bunch of nasty, wet chunks.

    My face scrunches as I flick the bug guts and slime off my hands and arms. "Jesus fuck, that''s disgusting!"

    I hear Zazel and the others fighting in the brush, and the whole crew comes bursting out of the jungle and rush over to me.

    "Brisket! What are you doing!?" She sees the mess on the ground and puts her hand on her chest, breathing a sigh of relief. "Oh, good. you''ve killed the monsters, and not the-"

    "Yo, I know what I''m doing." I turn to the boulders. "Look."

    The whole crew walks to the rocks.

    "What is it?" Raelith asks, crouching down as the Spawn slops back to Zazel.

    "I dunno. I didn''t get a good look at it."

    Zazel folds her arms and taps her foot. "Well, let''s see the thing already."

    The baby animal makes the same kind of squealing bark and moves inside the rock formation. Domina''s clones surround the pile and carefully push and pull away at the rocks until its little cubbyhole is exposed.

    I kneel down and look at the itty bitty creature. It''s a dainty little thing that looks a lot like a baby deer. It''s covered in smooth, pink fur with a few cream-colored dots by its hips. As I cock my head, it stares back at me with its big, awe-stricken black eyes. It has a long, skinny neck and long, shaky legs. Even as it shivers in fear, it''s absolutely adorable. I can''t help but smile.

    "Well, what is it?" asks Zazel, her normal impatience flavored with curiosity.

    I look at her. "It''s a baby deer, or something like it."

    She huffs. "A deer? Curious thing to call an animal."

    I look at the little guy and hold out a hand. It makes a little squeak and shies away. "Aw, don''t worry, little buddy. I''m not gonna hurt you."

    Domina puts a hand on my shoulder as she kneels next to me. "Master, if I may, I believe the animal is frightened in part because of your scent. You reek of the beasts that just tried to attack it."

    I look down at myself. I''m still soaked with bug juice. "I guess that makes sense."

    Domina claps once and gently thrusts out her hands. There is a rush of cool, pine-scented wind, and all the guts and dirt from my duds disappear.

    "Wow, that''s a handy trick. Thanks, Domina. Now," I look back at the little creature, who''s stopped shaking so much, "can''t you tell? I''m a cool guy."

    The baby animal looks at my hand, then stares me in the eye. After a few moments, he leans forward and sniffs my finger, then licks my it with his tiny little tongue.

    "See, we''re gonna be- OW!" I pull back and check my finger. "Little asshole bit me!"

    The Elementals start cracking up big time; even Domina can''t resist.

    The pink deer retreats a back a bit, but doesn''t seem so afraid. It''s watching me, waiting to see what I do next.

    "Master, perhaps if you were to offer the creature a peace offering?"

    "Yeah, that''s not a bad idea."

    Domina reaches inside her big apron, then pulls out a small, red, plum-like fruit, and little knife. She cuts off a slice and passes it to me. "Perhaps this will do. It should be safe for the animal."

    I take the slice and hold it out to the little guy. He looks at it, then at me, then sniffs it. Then, he leans forward and licks it a bit, but doesn''t take it. He pulls back a little, licking his lips.

    "What, you don''t want it? Our fruit not good enough you?"

    He points its little black nose toward me, sniffing fast and deep as he creeps forward slowly, cautious as all hell.

    Everyone freezes, not wanting to spook the guy. The baby deer creeps closer, but passes up the fruit. Step by tiny step, he comes up to my body and starts sniffing up my jacket big time.

    Zazel chuckles and shakes her head. "You can''t be serious."

    "What?"

    The little thing gingerly braces its skinny legs against me and starts to nibble tug on the front pocket of my jacket.

    "Wait, really? You serious?" Trying very carefully not to scare him, I glide my hand over to unzip the pocket. But he doesn''t even notice; he is totally focused on his goal. He bumps and nudges my hand competitively as I slide open the zipper, and tries forces his way inside before I''ve even opened it half way.

    "Dude, chill. I got you." I slip my fingers and slide out a strip of jerky, which he pulls out of my hand and immediately starts chowing down on. He''s eating the shit out of it like he hasn''t seen a meal in days.

    Raelith sits next to me and watches with a big grin. "Clever creature. If he continues to eat meat like that, he may grow to be quite strong."

    I nod. "Yeah, maybe. Wasn''t expecting meat to be his thing, though. "

    Soon, he''s finished his snack and is looking right at me, wagging his little white tail. It''s adorable as fuck. He starts licking my hand again.

    I reach out and pet him gently. His fur is super soft, and his neck is warm and smooth. His tail wags faster, and he makes a little snorting sound.

    "Aww, hey there, buddy! We''re friends now, yeah?" I scratch him under his little chin. "You''re a sweet little guy, aren''t you?"

    "We have less than an hour left, egg," says Zazel, arms folded. "We need to bring him back before-"

    Raelith jumps, and cranks her battleaxe back tight. "Shh! Listen!"

    The deer scampers over to me, and I scoop him up as I stand. "Yo, what''s going on?"

    I hear one of Domina''s clones cry out in the distance, and in moments, it sounds like the whole jungle is alive. Bushes shake violently and the snapping of branches fills the air in all directions.

    I stand with the baby, cradling it as it chews "Shit! There are more ''em?"

    More of the ugly ass insect monsters start coming into view, streaming and skittering through the jungle like a hoard of rambling turds.

    Zazel sighs and charges her hand with some of her crazy magic. "They''re bugs, you lump. Of course there would be more than just a smattering of them."

    "They''re coming, Beautiful!" Raelith splits her battle axe into two, wielding one in each hand. She flourishes and spins them around with wild skill. "We are the axes, and they are rotten logs to be split!"

    Domina draws her glowing Sword of Courage from her apron. "Master, we must prepare for battle!"

    The baby whines nervously. I tuck the little guy nice and snug in my jacket and zip it up. I can feel him shaking against my stomach.

    I push my shades and raise my dukes. "Okay, time to play exterminator."

 No Meal Too Small

    "We''re gonna crush these nasty little shits!" I roar as I punt the first beetle fucker off ridge, launching it like a football into the canopy.

    Domina''s foot almost slips as she trusts her sword into another beetle bastard. "My clones are closing in on our location! Let''s hold on until then!"

    Raelith splits a couple in half with here two axes. "A glorious two-front assault! We can carve through them from the front and the back!"

    "You''d better keep that baby safe, Brisket!" Zazel raises her left hand. "Stnaryt enab eht ma I! Ytinasni fo Niamod!"

    Zazel''s spell spreads out under our feet, completely covering the ground in a swirling and churning psychedelic light. It''s almost like an underground spring of rainbow paint is leaking out of the ground.

    The spell races and flows into the oncoming insects. As soon as the light hits them, they start shrieking and thrashing, breaking rank and scattering in every direction.

    "Holy shit, Zazel!" I cave one in with my boot at it rolls all over the ground. "What did you do?"

    "Ha! I have no idea!" She draws her huge, black Sword of Skepticism from her cleavage and brings it down hard on another bug fuck, which starts shooting crackling red and blue sparks from its guts. "But it seems like we''re finally about to have some fun!"

    They aren''t too overwhelming, but they keep coming and coming, like little droplets of piss after good leak.

    I see a bunch of them trying to flank Domina. I grab the nearest beetle, and I start swinging the bastard around like a flail, knocking away at the fuckers trying to get the drop on her. Once they scatter, I hurl the beetle at a group of monsters and knock them on their asses. Then, I run after them and stomp their guts out.

    "Master, behind you!"

    I spin to see one jump up at me from the side of the ridge. Its back opens and the air hums with the sound of its glassy wings.

    "Shit!"

    Its horns fly right toward my gut -right at the baby- but I manage to just barely dodge in time.

    "Watch out! These fuckers can fly!"

    I feel the little guy shaking even harder than before, his body tensing hard against mine.

    That was too fucking close. If I could just use my powers for- No, it''s too damn risky! But what if...

    "Domina!"

    She spins wildly with her sword, and cleaves another beetle fucker in half.

    "Yo, Domina!"

    She stops, blinking her eyes and shaking her head. "Yes, Master!"

    "Hey, call me crazy, but I think we should put the little guy in storage until we finish this fight!"

    She puts a hand over her mouth. "Please don''t, Master! That would kill him!"

    "What? You serious?" I turn around a and cave in another beetle.

    "Most serious!" She pauses to stab an oncoming bug. "There is no air in the storage area!"

    "Tsk, figures."

    The bushes next to us rustle like crazy, and a set of ugly brown triplets comes bursting out at us.

    I slide in front of Domina. I have a right hook with their names on it.

    Then, Zazel''s spell ebbs and pulses, and something fucked up happens to the bugs - their eyes fall out of their heads. They instantly stumble and start walking around with their arms stretched out, feeling the air.

    "Haha," I blitz forward and explode its head with an uppercut, "sucks to be you!"

    Domina comes down on one, and Zazel comes up from behind to butcher the other, which explodes in a puff of chalky pink smoke.

    "How repugnant!" she starts wiping her foot off. "I stepped on one of their eyes!"

    Raelith is laughing hysterically. "These monsters are no match for me!" She throws one of her axes, which scrambles the heads of a row of four beetles as is spins through the air like motor. She grabs it as it returns to her. "They were born to die by my hand!"

    As Raelith blows through the bugs like a little red storm, Domina''s clones come pouring out from behind us rakes, shovels, kitchen knives, and rolling pins raised high, and we finally catch a break. But it still takes quite a while for us to finish off the rest of them.

    Once the last beetle bastard falls dead, we take a second to catch our breath and regroup - But only a second.

    The jungle starts to shake and storm again as even more bug fucks come crashing our way.

    "How many of these shitstains are there!?" I hurl a rock like a major league pitcher, which flies with a vicious curve until snipes a hole through one of them.

    Zazel hums thoughtfully. "As entertaining as this all is, I suggest we leave before time runs out - or we get surrounded again."

    Raelith does a huge flying front flip from below, soars through the air, and lands next to us with the grace of a ninja warrior. "Surely you don''t want to leave just yet? The monsters are begging for us to end them," She flourishes her axes a bit. "And I would oblige!"

    "I agree with Lady Zazel," says Domina as she cuts a bug down the middle. "We should return to the Elemental of Nature while we can. These monsters are weak, but I''m losing more clones by the minute."

    "And you would lose more if you ran away; they will almost certainly follow us." Raelith morphs one her axes into a ring blade, and throws it up at a fluttering beetle, slashing it in half. "Better to annihilate them here and now!"

    But while we''re running our mouths, the jungle shakes and stirs again, and another wave comes crashing up through the vegetation and up our way.

    "Guess that settles that shit!" I clench my fists. Damn! If I could use my power, I''d squash these bugs in two seconds. And it''s too risky to pass off the baby- Wait. Bugs. Insects. Don''t I have something for...

    "Guys! Cover me a minute! I think I can get us out of this, I just need to figure something out!"

    Zazel raises an eyebrow. "Excuse me? Just where did find the audacity to order-"

    "Just do it!"

    I close my eyes, and ask the Hero Pendant how to use it. I barely remember it because I was pissed off to the max when I got it, but this is the best opportunity I''m going to get unleash my one and only Blessing. I just hope it''s strong enough.

    "Okay! Hold your breath and get ready to run!"

    "Yes, Master!"

    "Hmph. If you say so, Beautiful..."

    "What do you think you''re going to do, you absolute sausage?"

    I shoot both my arms into the air, then I bring them down and cover my pecs with my hands before thrusting them forward, palms out. "Divine Blessing: Insecticide Blast!"

    My palms start glowing as a sickeningly sweet, sticky smell permeates the air. A big cloud of green smog blasts out of my hands and fills the air in front of me. I can''t really see the beetles, but the air is filled with their chittering cries as they choke and die.

    I turn and spray the smog all around us, killing every beetle bitch and bastard in sight. I''m living an exterminator''s wet dream as I fill the jungle in front of me with poison gas. I spray in every direction to clear out a path, but then I start to lose steam. The flow sputters and stops - I strain and shake my hands, but nothing happens.

    "Yo, what the hell?"

    Zazel folds her arms. "The Blessing ended, obviously. But you''ve certainly given us an opportunity to leave. Let''s not waste it."Taken from Royal Road, this narrative should be reported if found on Amazon.

    I look at my hands. "Whatever. We need to get the hell out of here!"

    The Elementals nod, and we sprint through the jungle, leaving a trail of dead bugs behind us. We come out of the brush and into the valley in record time.

    "That was fun!" says Raelith. "I hope we can fight more monsters, Beautiful!"

    "You really like killin'', huh?"

    "Of course. But that little skirmish was not satisfying enough. And they don''t bleed like you do!"

    I hear more rustling in the forest. "Shit! They''re coming again! We need to keep moving!"

    We jump, bob, and weave through the jungle like it''s our purpose in life. But I stop when I feel a powerful rumble in the earth.

    "Huh, that''s weird."

    Zazel and Raelith stop, then notice it, too.

    The rumbling gets stronger, and a deep, loud, bellowing squeal cuts through the air, and the whole damn rainforest shakes. The trees in the jungle are blown and bent aside as some huge-ass animal barrels right at us like a king-sized freight train.

    "The fuck is that shit!?"

    I twist grab Zazel, who squeals like an angry pig as I tuck her under my arm and start hauling ass. "Raelith, get Domina!"

    The War Elemental grabs Domina and throws her over her shoulder as she blitzes onward.

    The animal lets out an ear-splitting squeal and closes in on. It''s about the size of a ten-story building, with six long, thick, grey-furred, legs ending in wide feet. Its head is small, and its snout is super long and thin, ending in a slimy, round mouth. Its got a big, white beard hanging from the bottom of its chin.

    "Yo, that thing is fucking huge!"

    And to put the cherry on the shit sundae, more panicked beetles come bursting out from under its legs.

    "Are you kidding me? What is this, a fucking tropical cross country marathon or some shit?"

    "I"ll handle them!" Zazel squirms in my grip, and thrust her left palm out. "Stnaryt enab eht-"

    "No, Zazel! Your wacky magic bullshit might hurt the baby!"

    "Says the total numbskull who inundated us in a giant cloud of poison gas!"

    "Oh, fuck off!"

    The enormous anteater-dragon thing, which is running pretty fucking fast, suddenly skids to a stop, and turns to the bugs. Then, its huge, skinny, slimy, tongue shoots out of its mouth like a snake, wraps around a bunch of bugs, and pulls them inside in the blink of an eye.

    Whoa, I do not need that shit in my life!

    But sure efuckingnough, we''re next. The anteater thing turns and fires its tongue at us like a whip shot out of a cannon.

    I pull Zazel in and try to block the nasty wet thing, but it wraps around my chest fast and hard and starts pulling me fast. Doesn''t take a genius to figure out what''s about to happen, so I twist my body as much as I can and give Zazel a little toss as I''m drawn toward the beast. She goes rolling across the jungle floor and lands on her ass.

    She jumps to her feet, her face red and scrunched up. "Brisket, you-!"

    "Zazel! Catch the baby!" I grab the zipper and yank it down. "I''ll be fine, but this thing will kill the deer! Grab him and-"

    Then, the giant anteater thing cranks it up to 11. I''m lifted up into the air, so I zip up again and brace for fucking disaster. I''m yanked through the air and into its fleshy, disgusting tube of a mouth, swallowed whole and sucked down into its stomach.

    I''m just barely able to avoid falling down as I land and stumble into its gut. The inside of the thing is hot, wet, dark, and just plain fucking disgusting. It''s like being a giant puddle of boiling sour milk.

    "Fuck, that''s bad."

    Not only does the air smell bad, it''s hardcore suffocating. Every three breaths I take seem to count as only one.

    I ask the pendant for ideas for a light source, and it responds by glowing with a gentle white light. I there''s nothing but a cavern of flesh and a few pieces of melting beetle monster.

    Then, my legs and feet start to sting - the stomach is going to work on me as well.

    Me and the little guy might end up like them if we don''t get out of this bitch right quick.

    Then it starts to sting more. Then a lot more. Then even fucking more.

    "ARRRRRGGHH! SHIT!"

    I try to find a place to get out of the acid, but ain''t a damn thing. I have no choice to let this fucking monster''s stomach acid melt my legs.

    I don''t know how much time passes, but it feels like a long goddamned time. Even using my powers doesn''t hurt like this. When I rage, it the pain comes and goes quick, even when it burns me to a crisp. But not this acid. Not by a long fucking shot.

    Eventually, though, the pain does stop. When it''s finally over, I can''t feel much halfway below my knee.

    Shit, I almost forgot!

    I unzip my jacket and check on the deer. "Yo, little buddy! Are you okay?"

    I look down on, him, and he looks up at me weakly for a second before putting his head down again. He''s panting a lot, and looks pretty damn miserable.

    I''m not sure if he can understand me, but he''s not dead, and that''s good enough for now. He is breathing awfully fast, though. Ain''t gonna last long in here.

    I pet him on the head a bit, then zip my jacket back up. Then, I stand and start looking for a way out.

    I don''t know much about anatomy, but do know there are only two ways out of a stomach: up or down. Going up might mean another fall in the acid, and down sure as hell ain''t any kind of option. But maybe...

    I start trudging through the stomach acid, trying not to get any of it on me as I make my way over to the stomach wall. I reach the wall and start feeling the lining for anything I might be able to tear open. I feel a soft spot. I dig my fingers into it, and the flesh tears and spills out some bright green blood. The whole thing jostles, and I''m thrown off balance. I fall to my knees, and a bunch of the shit starts to melt my pants and thighs with a nasty sizzle.

    "Argh, motherfucker!" Well, that ain''t gonna work.

    The baby is whimpering and shaking. This whole thing is starting to look pretty damn hopeless.

    I need to get him out of here, but I can''t if I don''t use my powers! I could bust this fucker like a balloon if I wanted to, but there''s no way a frail little thing like him would be able to take it...

    I kick out of frustration, splattering a little acid on my face. "Ah, fuck!"

    But this make me realize something horrific. Careful not to topple over, I slowly lift my right leg out of the pool of acid, and see nothing but the glimmer of indestructible alloy.

    Damn, I shouldn''t have looked.

    For a moment, I can only stare in the special kind of awe and disgust that only a good dose of body horror can trigger. There''s not even any blood or bits of flesh, just straight up metal.

    Blood. Bones. Metal bones.

    I remember a one of the best scenes from Terminator 2. The Terminator has to prove to Miles Dyson that he''s not bullshitting him about being from the future, so he cuts and pulls the skin off his arm and shows him his metal skeleton.

    I look over at the hole I came out of. Then I look at my hands. Then down at the acid. The math checks out, but I do not like the answer.

    No point in hesitating, Ferdie! Just fucking do it!

    My plunge my arms elbow deep into the stinking acid.

    "Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuuuuck!"

    I grit my teeth, and keep pushing until I''m up to the middle of my triceps. I scream for a moment, then force myself to focus and keep my shit together. It hurts. Bad.

    I feel my core begin to radiate and churn. Why do I need to do this shit? Do I really need this Elemental that badly? What the fuck is she thinking making me go through a stupid ass trial? We''re facing a full on fucking invasion! What''s she gonna do if I don''t pass? Just chill on a mushroom while cultists run train on her ass!? Discuss the social lives of pack animals while robots rip her to pieces!? Stupid green-haired, mushroom-eating bitch!

    The deer pushes weakly against my gut. I look down at him through a little gap in my jacket. His breath is shallow, and his movements are weak.

    "Hold on, you little bastard," I cringe and scream between my teeth, "we''re gonna get you out of here, get that Elemental, and make the Limp Dicks pay!"

    He keeps kicking, but his movements are getting weaker by the second.

    "No! Hold on! You gotta fucking hold on!"

    I remember my childhood on the farm. My parents always too really good care of the animals, but no matter what we did, maybe animals died well before they became adults. It was hard to get animal food sometimes, and the animals had a hard time enduring the heat and the air pollution.

    We had a lot of stillbirths, and it was usually a coin toss that decided which animals lived and died. I''ll never forget any of them, and the way their still, glassy eyes stared into oblivion. I hated it. It seemed so cruel and random for little animals to die like that, and for no good reason.

    And the only thing I hated more was the fact that I was powerless to do anything about it.

    The little guy finally stops moving, and I feel him become a little heavier.

    No! No! No fucking way!

    "RAGHHH!"

    I pull my arms out of the pool, and a lot of blood and meat slops off of my forearms. I shake off as much of the acid and meat as I can, then hold out my bare, glistening, metal bones. My fingers aren''t exactly pointy, but the rough-looking tips and joints look perfect for climbing up flesh.

    I turn around and see the path of least resistance: the gullet.

    "PIECE OF SHIT!" I climb and claw and punch and rip the fucking guts up, as I sink my fingers in his throat and use it like a ladder of meat. The thing is crying and screeching and making all kinds of fucked up noises, and I feel it shifting and swinging around like crazy.

    I come up to the throat, I can see its big, gross tongue, but his stupid fucking mouth isn''t open.

    "RAAAAAAHHH!" I crawl onto its tongue and start ripping it to pieces with my metallic fingers. His weird green blood and muscle and tissue flies everywhere as I dig and rip and tear the fuck out of it.

    The little mouth opens the end of the bony tunnel, revealing a bright light. I kick and scrape and push my way out, making sure not to crush my precious cargo. I feel its slimy, wet tongue as I slide out of its mouth. I drop who knows how many feet to the ground onto my back. I clutch the deer in my jacket and try to scramble to my feet.

    But I ain''t even got time to breathe. Quick as a whip, the nasty fucker''s tongue grabs again -this time by one of my legs- and starts to pull me back in.

    Fuck. You.

    My core fires up, and I grab the bloody stand of flesh and pull back on it, causing it to tense like a strained rubber band. "Dinner plans''ve been canceled, asshole!"

    I brace myself with my free leg, and bring the our little fucked up game of tug-o-war to a stalemate. But just when I think we''re evenly matched, the massive anteater pulls back hard. My foot and ass starts sliding fast, and it takes almost all my willpower not to tap into my rage.

    Shit! If I tap my power, the baby''ll-

    "SLASH AND BURN! SLASH AND BURRRNNN!"

    Raelith leaps down from who-the-fuck-knows-where with a huge-ass sword cocked behind her. The burning black blade slices clean through its tongue, splattering the ground with a burst of green blood. The release of tension makes me snap back and hit my head against the muddy jungle floor.

    The anteater-dragon thing makes a weird squealing noise and thrashes around, snapping and knocking down a couple of trees in the process.

    "HAHAHA! BLEED FOR ME, BEAST!" Raelith leaps after the monster like a pouncing wildcat as it retreats, and starts swinging it like crazy with her blade.

    "Master! This way!"

    I snap around and see Domina and Zazel hiding behind a tree and waving me over from some distance away.

    "Fool! There''s no time to sit around on your muscly haunch! We must go, now!"

    I stumble to my feet and start hauling ass, checking on the deer as I do.

    I stop dead in my tracks. "Shit... No, no, no!"

    He''s not moving, not breathing. His eyes are glassy, and his mouth is open. I''m assaulted by a flashing stream of awful memories. Tiny limp bodies. Eyes staring at nothing.

    I shake my head. "Hey!" I jostle him, trying to move even just the slightest bit. "Hey, wake up, little guy!"

    "Brisket! Come on!" Zazel runs up and pulls on me. "We may not make it as it is!"

    I barely even hear her. All I can do is try to swallow the pain and desperation pulling me apart from the inside as I stare into the little deer''s glassy black eyes.

 Something More

    Zazel runs up and pulls me, and the deer shakes and jerks as my jacket sways back and forth. I try to keep him steady, but my hand is shaking. My arm is shaking. My whole body is shaking.

    "Brisket! What''s the matter? Let''s go!"

    I barely hear her. I''m focused on the deer. He''s not moving, not breathing. I shake my head and bite my lip.

    "We must leave now!" Zazel shakes me. "What''s going on?"

    I look at her. "The deer. He''s not moving." My voice is shaky. "He''s not fucking breathing..."

    Her eyes get wide. She stands on her tiptoes and looks down at the deer, then back at me. "Oh..."

    She looks past me at Raelith, who is going to town on the beast, then back at me.

    "At any rate, returning to the Elemental''s lair is the best option for us, even though we probably just failed the trial. We must go while War hast that giant nuisance distracted."

    I stand there, staring at her. Then, I feel my core starting to cook and churn. The anger starts to spread, radiating out to my muscles and joints. My fists start to clench. My jaws lock.

    No. No, no, no!

    My face is on fire. My hands and arms are on fire. My feet, legs, and back are on fire. My whole goddamn body is on fire. It''s coming, and I can''t stop it - I''m not even sure I want to.

    I unzip my jacket and hold out the baby deer to Zazel. "Zazel, take him!"

    She swallows and hold our her hands, and the baby deer falls into her arms.

    "B-Brisket? Where are you-"

    "Take him and run."

    "Fool! This is your trial-"

    "JUST FUCKING GO!"

    I don''t have time for her stupid-ass gum flapping. Motherfuckers''ve gotta pay. That''s all there is to it. Motherfucking cultist? Gotta pay. Motherfucking robot? Gotta pay. Motherfucking monster? You guessed it.

    "RRRRAAAGGHHH!" Fire blasts from my throat, and I blow through the trees like a gust of fire, leather, and steel right at the furry fucking asshole who ruined everything and got my little buddy killed.

    Raelith is running her sword along the length of its back when she sees me coming. She pulls out it out just in time and jumps off right quick -She knows what''s about to happen.

    I clear the distance, and pounce like a tiger leaping out of the bowels of hell and connect with the giant dick-faced bastard with a fiery wrecking ball of a right hook. The beast lets out a pained cry as its long cock-snout explodes off in a massive blast of burning thunder, which sends it spinning through the jungle, knocking trees over. It slides to a stop on its side, and staggers back onto its feet.

    "DIE YOU PIECE OF SHIT!" I blitz at it again and throw a flurry of machine-gun hooks and jabs, pummeling it with a storm of exploding punches. The beast starts to twist and bend from the force of the hits, which thunder one after the other in successive ear-splitting roars.

    I punch and punch and punch and punch and punch and punch, each strike burning and chewing up the face and chest of the big hairy asshole. I''m deaf as shit and green blood and gristle explode all over me, but I don''t give fuck.

    "FUCKING DIE!" I can''t even see my own punches - my arms become blurs and my vision burns with a hellish glow.

    YEAH, THAT''S RIGHT, BOY! GET THAT SON OF A BITCH!

    What?

    MOTHERFUCKERS HAVE TO PAY, RIGHT? ONLY ONE WAY TO COLLECT!

    No.. No! I ain''t givin'' you what you want!

    WHAT I WANT? OH, NO. THIS IS WHAT WE WANT. YOU JUST AIN''T ACCEPTED IT YET.

    Fuck you! I ain''t no goddamned psycho!

    My body strains and tenses as I do my damnedest to stop hitting the huge animal, but it''s like trying to stop a speeding semi on black ice. My core flares and burns, but I force the scalding energy down as much as I can.

    Then, I feel the punishment for putting on the brakes.

    I feel the fire in my muscles and joints. Then, I feel it under my skin, in my guts, and on my face. Every fiber, muscle, organ, bone, and cell in my body burns like an inferno at a kerosene refinery. It''s the worst pain I''ve ever felt in my life. I can hardly think or move. I can barely even breathe.

    "RRRGGGAAAAHHHHHHHH!" I fall on my ass as the pain overwhelms me. I try to scream, but the pain is so intense I can barely even breathe. I can''t even tell where I''m being burned.

    I feel a great pressure in my chest, and small, fleshy pop.

    "FUUUUCK!" I scream through my teeth as something hot beyond all belief rips its way up my throat and toward my mouth.

    II start to choke on my screams as I let it out: fucking molten metal. I collapse on the ground, and feel the hard, super-hot, metal cool in front of me. It burns a small mark in the ground. I struggle to my knees and cough it all out, feeling its searing burn as it passes through my throat and mouth. Once it''s out, I fall onto my back and clutch my mouth, twisting and writhing.Royal Road is the home of this novel. Visit there to read the original and support the author.

    My vision blurrs and clears over and over again as my body debates passing out.

    DON''T EVER TRY TO TAKE THE WHEEL FROM ME AGAIN, FUCKER!

    I can''t think about anything other than the pain. I can''t even tell him to fuck off.

    THAT''S RIGHT, BITCH BOY. SUFFER FOR YOUR FUCKING ARROGANCE.

    Everything burns. I don''t know where the pain begins and my body ends.

    I TOLD YOU I WOULDN''T TOLERATE NO BACK SEAT DRIVING! BUT LOOK WHAT YOU DONE!

    Fuck- Fuck you-

    ''FUCK YOU, ASSHOLE.'' IT''S THAT WHAT YOU WANNA SAY? YOU''RE ALL DICK AND NO BALLS, BITCH -DON''T MATTER HOW MANY TIMES YOU GROW ''EM BACK!

    The pain just won''t go away.

    YOU DIDN''T THINK YOU IN THE DRIVER''S SEAT, DID YOU? I''D KICK YOUR STUPID ASS RIGHT OUT OF THE CAR IF I COULD. BUT IF I DID THAT, I WOULDN''T GET DRAG YOU DOWN TO HELL WITH ME, AND THAT''D BE A DAMN SHAME.

    No... Leave me alone...

    WELL, I HAVE A FEELING OUR LITTLE TRIP ON THE HIGHWAY TO HELL IS GONNA END SOON, ANYWAY. YEAH, THIS IS THE LAST REST STOP, THAT''S FOR DAMNED SURE.

    Get out of my head...

    YOUR HEAD? THE GALL OF THIS FUCKTARD.

    Please stop...

    NO, YOU STOP PLAYING THE VICTIM, PUSSY. IT WAS YOUR CHICKENSHIT BEHAVIOR THAT GOT US HERE IN THE FIRST PLACE.

    No... That''s not true... It wasn''t my fault!

    I''M DONE DEBATING THIS. WE GOTTA GET BACK ON THE ROAD; SO BUCKLE YOURSELF BACK INTO YOUR BABY SEAT AND SHUT THE FUCK UP. AND IF YOU TRY TO PULL THE SHIT YOU DID JUST DID EVER AGAIN, I''LL PUMP THE BREAKS ON THIS BITCH SO HARD YOUR HEAD WILL COME FLYING OFF!

    Why? Why are you doing this?

    ''CAUSE MOTHERFUCKERS''VE GOTTA PAY!

    He laughs and laughs as his voice fades away. I call after him in my mind, screaming questions and insults, but they are all swallowed by the abyss.

    Then, other voices -muffled and echoey- start to fill my head.

    "Brisket! What''s happening!"

    "Master, please get up!"

    "You heard her! Up and at ''em, Beautiful!"

    My vision fades in, and I feel Raelith''s velvety iron grip on my shoulders as she helps me sit up.

    Zazel and Domina jerk back slightly when I turn to them.

    Domina covers her mouth. "How awful!"

    Zazel''s face tightens. "That must be painful. But we must go now!"

    "We can''t give up!" Domina hold the deer tight to her chest. "This animal is a fighter. He can still make it!"

    I bolt to my feet, but cringing hard as my wounds bite me agian. "So he''s still-"

    "Yes!" Zazel stomps. "But we have no way to heal him! Nature should have some way to help, but we absolutely must go now!"

    I scoop the deer out of Domina''s arms and start looking for the way. "Raelith! Which way did we come from?"

    The points behind me and before anyone can say anything, I take off like a storm.

    <hr>

    "Argh, why is this elevator so fucking slow!?"

    The floating platform takes its sweet ass time as it slides back down to the Elemental of Nature''s underground cavern. Raelith, -the only Elemental who could keep up- nods, and we jump down dozens of feet down to the bridge. I cradle my precious cargo from the shock of the landing and haul ass, my metal feet clanging hard against the stone.

    Raelith sprints next to me. She nods toward the the little island.

    I look and see the magical hourglass still floating in the air next to the Elemental of Nature.

    "We can make it! Let''s go!" She pumps her arms and legs even harder.

    But not as hard as me.

    The massive cavern fills with the intense sound of flesh and metal against the huge stone bridge.

    "Hold on, little guy! Almost there!"

    We leap over the threshold of mushroom-covered island, and skid to a stop in front of the Elemental of Nature, who is sitting cross-legged on her big mushroom.

    Three. Two. One.

    The last grain of sand hits the bottom of the hourglass. It makes a little a little chime, then blinks out of existence with a dull green flash.

    I shoot back to the Elemental. "Please, you gotta help-"

    The green-haired Elemental gracefully slides down the mushroom and gently takes the limp deer. "So much suffering. Poor little one. It was so brave and strong, just to survive. Even more so than its parents, it fought hard to cling to its fragile little life." She strokes the deer''s neck.

    I clench my fists. "Come on! Quit flappin'' your yap and do something! He''s gonna die!"

    She nods and hums, closing her eyes. A little circle of green and white light forms around her, and a gentle breeze swirls through the air. Her green hair blows gently, and a green glow pulses and swirls around her body. She begins to chirp gently, perfectly imitating the sound of a little bird, and places a hand on the baby animal''s back.

    The little thing starts glowing as the wind picks up, and Raelith and I have to cover our eyes from the blinding light.

    The light fades, I see the baby deer awake and perked up, his big black eyes sparkling curiously at the scene around him.

    Mouth open, I stare at him for a moment and take a step forward. "Little guy? You okay, bud?"

    He''s looks right at me and kicks in the Elemental''s arms a little.

    "Oh, he has taken such a strong liking to you." Nature smiles. "But I would have some words, first."

    She cups a hand over one of his little pointy ears, and it calms down. As he listens, he stares off out at nothing, occasionally cocking his head.

    The, Nature takes her hand away and the baby turns its little head back to me for a moment and straightens up.

    I give him a little wave.

    The deer twists back to Nature and starts nuzzling her face and nibbling at her ear.

    Nature leans in a bit. "Oh my... How ferocious.. So protective..."

    "They''re... Talking?"

    Raelith shrugs.

    "It would seem this one has a great respect for you, Hero." the tall Elemental pets the baby''s little neck. "The brave little creature has taken to you like a parent, it seems." The deer looks at me again.

    I stare at it, and the image of it laying motionless in my jacket, staring at the sky with glassy, unmoving eyes flashes through my head.

    "Is it... okay?"

    "Yes. I would say he''s perfectly healthy now."

    I let out a breath. A very long, very shaky one. "You''re a tough little guy, ain''t ya?"

    It kicks some more, and Nature lets him down. He trots with a slight wobble over to me just like a little puppy, and kneel down to meet him. He leaps gently in to my arms, and I hold him tight as he nuzzles me with his tiny little head.

    "You made it, buddy. You made it."

    It makes a little cooing noise as it presses against me. I''m starting to feel weak, so I simply sit on the ground and hold him against me.

    Memories of my life on the farm flash in my mind. Mom and day would have loved him.

    "I had a farm, you know." I said, to him, hoping he would understand somehow. "With my parents. We took care of a lot of little guys like you. But some of them didn''t make it. We tired our best, but it was too hard sometimes. Me and mom and dad, we couldn''t save ''em all. But I saved you. I needed some help, but I saved you."

    I pet his smooth pink fur and warm body in my huge hands. A knot forms in my throat.

    "And you know, we have something in common, you and me. I lost my parents, too. Can you believe it?" My eyes started to water. "We''re just two little orphans, ain''t we, little guy?"

    The tears stream down my face and on to the baby deer. My breath shakes, and I hug him tight, pressing my face into his warm little neck. And I starting crying. Really, really crying.

    "But nobody''s gonna hurt you no more. We''re gonna go on a big journey, smash the bad guys, and save the world. I''ll give you all the jerky you want and grow''ll up big and strong." I can barely speak through my sobbing. "Y-You''re gonna get all the does in Astraea all lifting their tails for you. J-Just you wait."

    So many feelings fill my chest, but for once, anger isn''t one of them. I can''t remember the last time cried, but I''m not sad -I''m grateful. Grateful that I could save his life, and grateful for proof that I can feel something other than bloodlust, cynicism, or hatred.

    He''s just a little baby animal, but what he showed me was big: there is something more to fight for than just revenge or survival. There''s a real fucking reason to fight for Astraea.

    "You and me, buddy," I smile as I look into his eye. "You, me, and the girls. We''re ain''t just gonna fight. We''re gonna fight for a life worth living."

 Jungle Jamboree

    I decide to name him Pinky. Anyone who doesn''t like it can blow me.

    I pick myself up of the ground, my new best friend cradled in my arms. I zip open my tattered jacket, slip my boy inside, make sure he''s cozy, and zip up again, leaving it open enough for him to poke his little head out. He chills in there, and I feed him my last strip of jerky, which he chews happily.

    Raelith comes over and leans over a bit, eyebrow raised. "Hmm, will this little creature be able to become a decent war beast? Even if he does eat lots of meat, he''s rather small."

    Pinky looks back at her as he continues to chew his jerky, giving zero fucks.

    "Who cares? He''s here for moral support, like a mascot or some shit. It''s our job to crack skulls."

    "True enough. But I hope this little creature does not become a source of weakness for you. I couldn''t make you cry like that, even at the peak of my power."

    I glare at her. "That''s different."

    Nature approaches; I can feel her gentle, humid energy intensify as she gets closer. She reaches out and strokes Pinky''s ears gently, which he seems to like. Like the other Elementals, she has a strong, feminine aura about her that I can almost feel on my skin.

    "Yo, Nature."

    She looks up at me with her deep, green eyes. "Yes?"

    "I was thinking about that question you asked me. About the future." I take a deep breath. "I think I''ve got my answer: I want to start a farm. Grow crops, keep some animals. Maybe even try to make ''n'' build some stuff."

    She smiles. "And what will you do on this farm?"

    "I dunno. Just live life. See what kind of world we can make for ourselves."

    "And what of we, the Elementals?"

    I shrug. "Well, they can do whatever the fuck they wanna do. If they wanna help, fine. If they wanna go, fine. Just as long as no motherfuckers''re trying to kill us or nothin''." I stroke Pinky''s head. "I don''t have any grand plans or anything. I just wanna live. I wanna breathe, and drink, and eat, and sleep. That''s what I wanna do."

    "You wish to live a simple life, then?"

    "No. I want to live a good life."

    "And what exactly do you consider a ''good life,'' Hero?"

    "One where I can be free. Where people don''t have to worry about fuckers like the Liberation Society coming and killing everybody, and where no motherfuckers''re gonna tell you what to do or control your life."

    "Then, what of this animal? What will become of him?"

    "I''ll raise him. He can stay with me if he wants. If not, I can teach him to fend for himself and protect his herd from any assholes who try to mess with ''em."

    "And what of your herd? Do you not wish to have offspring of your own?"

    "Well, yeah. I had that on the table with my ex. We talked about it a couple times. I didn''t think about it much after that."

    "I see." She pauses for a moment. "And your answer now?"

    "What?"

    "Do you still wish to have children?"

    "I mean, yeah. I''d have a whole fuckin'' litter. But that ain''t on the table, is it?"

    "You''re certain that''s the case?"

    "Yeah." I look at Pinky, and his innocent eyes meet mine. "I mean, look around. I ain''t no scientist or nothin'', but there ain''t no human females anywhere on this goddamned rock. And Elementals can''t have kids at all, so I guess that''s that." I give Pinky a little scratch. "Makes me wonder what God was thinking when he made all this."

    She nods. "You are correct: we cannot provide children for you. But that doesn''t mean there isn''t a way."

    I raise an eyebrow.

    "Do you truly believe God would not provide some way for his Hero to sew his seed? Astraea is only just starting to bloom -who can say what its pedals will bear?"

    "I mean, maybe-"

    The sound of pounding feet interrupts me, and I turn to see Domina and Zazel coming down the bridge toward us.

    Domina, panting and out of breath, comes to a stop in front of me. "Oh, dear! I''m so sorry we''re late, Master!"

    I smirk and Pinky pokes his little head out. Domina gasps and covers her mouth.

    "Oh, thank goodness! He''s okay!"

    Zazel sighs. "Well, judging by the appearance of things, the little one will live and Nature will join our entourage, yes?" She puts her hands on her hips and taps her foot. "Please say ''yes''."

    I turn to Nature. "Lady, I passed your trial, right? The Limp Dicks will be up our asses in a month and we need all the help we can get. ''Sides, ain''t no future for any of us if they win."

    She smiles, but it fades quickly. "You are right -you did complete the trial. But there is one more thing I would like to discuss."

    Zazel throws her head back and groans loudly.

    "Chill, Zazel," I say, holding a hand up. "She healed Pinky, so the least I could do is-"

    She looks at me like I just dumped a bunch of salt in her cereal. "''Pinky''? What are you on about?"

    "My boy." I point at him.

    "Excellent choice, Master!" Domina clasps her hands together. "What a lovely name!"

    "Don''t encourage him!" Zazel cuts the air with her hand. "He can''t just unilaterally decide what we call it! We all played a role in saving its life!"

    "Who the hell is ''we''? I did most of the saving. Besides, it''s my animal, so I get to name it. End of story."

    She huffs and throws up her hands.

    Domina glances at Raelith, and smiles. "Well, it does have a nice pink coat."

    Raelith shrugs. "I don''t care what we call it. I only care if it can bolster our power in battle."

    Zazel sighs. "Well, I think it''s a horrid name. Was that really the best you could do, egg?"

    I flip her the bird. "Get bent."

    Zazel puffs up big time. "Autofellate, you creature!"

    Nature clears her throat, and we snap to her.

    I push the bridge of my shades. "Sorry ''bout that. Whaddya wanna know?"

    She rubs her arm and her eyebrows furrow a bit. "I''m curious about this power you have. I know all of the beasts in this world, but I''ve never known any of them to become as furious as you did today. Not even when protecting young."

    I cross my arms. "I''m a real ball of fire, alright. What''re ya gettin'' at?"

    "This power is related to your Archetype, yes?"

    "Yeah. And before you ask, I don''t know what my Archetype is, exactly, but the Pendant says it''s ''Custom''."

    "Of all the possibilities, why did you choose-"

    "I didn''t. I was just fiddling with it, and it popped off without warning. Believe me, I wanted a normal one. I''d rather be a cowboy, a pirate, or even a fucking mailman than deal with this shit." My core is starting to ebb a little, and Pinky pokes me with a hoof.

    She folds her arms. "I see."

    I sigh. "Listen, you clearly think I''m full of shit, and I get it. That''s not how it''s supposed to work. But I''m telling the truth."

    "Your power is very dangerous."

    "Yeah, no kidding. I know that better than anyone. And if you don''t wanna be around me because of it, I understand."

    She uncrosses her arms. "I never said that."

    "Then, what''re you trying to say? ''Cause if you ain''t coming then we can''t afford to-"

    She looks into my eyes, and her voice softens. "I believe in you."

    "Huh?"

    "Even though I know that this power is dangerous, I believe that you have the strength of will to use it responsibly." She smiles, and her eyes glitter. "If you didn''t, the little one would not have survived."

    I look down at Pinky. If only Althea was so understanding. "Well, I don''t exactly have a choice, do I? I can''t get rid of it, and even if I could, this power is still the best weapon we have to destroy the Liberation assholes right now."

    "Obviously, Brisket," Zazel cuts in, tapping her foot. "But we all know what happens if you''re forced to lean on it too much. That''s why we need to Thralls as soon as possible. And recruit more Elementals." Zazel folds her arms and shoots a glance at Nature.

    "Yeah, we need more recruits" says Raelith, rolling the handle of her axe on her shoulder. "We still don''t have any idea how large their forces are or what sort of strategy they''ll employ. Our army must be as large and as versatile as we can make it."

    Domina folds her hands and looks down. "And there''s so little time..."

    "If that''s the case," Nature steps few paces back and spreads her arms, "then there is no time to waste."

    She begins to glow, and we all watch her like she has the world in the palm of her hands. She smiles gently at us, then all the plants and mushrooms in the place start to glow in a beautiful green light. A sweet, earthy smell fills the cavern as the light grows in intensity.

    She looks at me with her big, emerald eyes and holds out her hands, as if welcoming us.

    "I, the Elemental of Nature, recognize God''s Divine Favor of the Hero and acknowledge his right to be Judged. In accordance with the Divine Pact between God, Elementals, and Heroes, I hereby declare that the Hero is Judged Worthy to participate in the Ritual of Release."

    She walks forward and takes my metal hands in hers, sending a wave of energy through my body. "Leader, you may call me by my true name: Asphodel."

    <hr>

    After the Ritual, I feel eager and ready to make my next move. But one look at Zazel, Raelith, and Domina''s tired, dirt and bug gut-stained faces makes it crystal clear: we should probably rest for a while.

    Yeah, probably wouldn''t hurt to recharge. It''s been a helluva day, that''s for sure. ''Sides, it''s almost dark out, so we ain''t gonna go nowhere anyway. And it might be a good idea to regenerate my limbs and see if I can refresh my duds.

    I look down at Asphodel, who''s locked onto my arm like I might run away if she lets go. "Yo, Del. You know any good places to relax close to here? Somewhere where we can chill for a while and take a bath?" I flick a piece of dried up bug guts off my jacket. "Domina is out of mana, so we gotta get clean the old fashioned way."

    "This lair would suit your needs, but I think something special is in order, yes?" She squeezes my arm. "I know a wonderful place with fresh water and plenty of healthy, fat fish."

    "Fish?" I blink, having almost forgotten that fish exist and can be eaten. "Shit. I heard fish is really good."

    "Have you... Never eaten it?"

    "Never. I grew up far away from any lakes or rivers, and the State banned fishing years ago."

    "I''ll catch a big one for us, then."

    I look over at the other Elementals, who are playing with Pinky and chatting lazily. "Hey, you guys wanna eat some fish?"

    Domina''s head jerks toward me. "I love fish!"

    Zazel''s ears perk up. "Fish? Yes, I suppose."

    Raelith stands up and cracks her neck. "I prefer red meat, but I''d be happy to try some."

    "Then let''s go."

    Asphodel leads the way as we make our way out of her cavern and the pyramid. But when we pop out of the entrance, we stop in our tracks.

    "Holy shit. Who turned on all the lights?"

    The jungle trees below are totally lit up with sparkling blue, white and green lights, as if someone decorated the entire valley for some kind of tropical Christmas festival or something. Colorful glowing fruits of all shapes and sizes hang from the trees and bushes, and the air sings with the chirping and buzzing of insects. It almost feels like the whole jungle is having a party or something.

    Del puts a hand to her chest. "So this is the power of Release? Everything has grown so much!"

    "Yep. Every time I release one of you guys, some magical shit happens and the world grows. It''s not usually this sparkly, though."

    "That''s because the concentration of ambient mana is getting thicker, offal-for-brains." Zazel butts in.

    "Do you feel any stronger yet?"

    "I can feel some small semblance of my power returning, but I feel we are getting a very poor return on our investment. We will have to release many, many more Elementals before any of us even come close to returning to our formal glory." Zazel pouts a bit and stares at me with flickering eyes. "I sure hope this is all worth it."This novel''s true home is a different platform. Support the author by finding it there.

    I stare right back. "It will be. We''re gonna beat those assholes and make a new world and life for all of us."

    "Come on!" Raelith waves us on as she walks down the steps. "I''m hungry!"

    We climb down the pyramid, and Del leads the way toward her special little spot. It''s so much easier to walk through the jungle now that it''s so lit up, and the sounds of bugs and other animals give it a lively, mysterious feel.

    We can hear the sound of the trickling water before we reach the river.

    Del leads us through yet another thick wall of foliage, and when we break through to the other side, the jungle opens up into a wide enclave. A low, but wide waterfall flows into a deep, broad pool that radiates a gentle turquoise glow.

    "Whoa," my mouth hangs a bit as I scan the little piece of paradise, "this is unreal."

    "Wow, this is gorgeous!" Domina gasps, stepping forward. "I''ve never seen anything so beautiful before."

    Raelith grunts. "Now, where are those fish?"

    I step to the edge of the bank and look down into the water. It''s perfectly clear, and I can see a shit ton of fish swimming around. "Your fish are fucking here, baby! But even you won''t be able to eat this many."

    "That sounds like a challenge, Beautiful!"

    Raelith stomps over like the hungry beast she is, and the fish scatter like buckshot.

    She huffs. "This isn''t going to be easy."

    Del steps forward, her delicate feet stepping lightly onto the cool, wet rocks. She begins to glow, takes a deep breath, and lets out some kind of quick, high pitched noise, which makes Pinky perk up and poke his head out.

    I raise an eyebrow. "The hell was that about?"

    She kneels down and scoops her hands gently into the water, and the fish all start to flock toward her like she''s their long-lost mommy or something.

    She looks back at me and smiles. "There''s so many."

    Raelith plops down next to her, her armor clacking against the rock. "Just grab them and be done with it!"

    "I don''t need to." Right on point, the one of the fish jumps into her hands. She turns and holds it up by the tip of its tail fin. "See? Now, I can-"

    Raelith swipes that shit like an alley cat.

    "Hey!" Del growls like some angry animal. "Give that back!"

    But it''s way too late. Raelith is munching into it -head fucking first- like its a candy bar or some shit.

    "Yo, what the fuck, Raelith!? It''s still alive!"

    She continues to chew and chew, her eyes rolling here and there like she''s trying to solve some twisted riddle or something. Finally, she spits out the chewed up fish head, and it hits the gound with a wet thud. "Terrible. The flavor is strange, and there''s almost no blood." She chucks the rest into the bushes behind her and starts walking away. "I''m going find us some real food."

    I look over to Del, who looks like someone just kicked her dog. "Sorry ''bout that. She don''t mean nothin'' by it - it''s just the way she is.

    She turns back to the water. "I know. No respect for life, that one."

    The bushes behind us rustle a bit, and Zazel pops out, sour-looking as ever. "Why are you absolute creatures making so much racket! I thought we came here to relax and eat!"

    "Raelith''s got a stick up her ass about the fish."

    "''A stick up her ass''? As interesting as your human expressions may be, they can''t nourish me."

    "Well, why don''t you eat one of your boob snacks if you''re so damn hungry?"

    "''Boob snacks?''" she shakes her head. "In a rare lapse in judgement, I failed to prepare enough of my special treats for this little adventure of ours, so I am in the unfortunate position of depending on you lot to provide something tasty enough to satisfy me. Speaking of which-" She twists backwards and calls into the bushes. "Maid! Make haste with the fruit. And where''s that wine?"

    I turn and see Domina struggling out of the foliage with a massive load of juicy glowing fruits and vegetables. Her arms and apron are stuffed to the max, and she looks like she''s about to topple over. She stumbles into the enclave and plops down, spilling the goods all over the rocky ground. I walk over and help her out, but I make sure not to crush the precious cargo.

    Domina looks up and smiles at me. "Thank you, Master."

    "Hey, you''re the one who picked all this stuff. I should be thanking you!"

    Zazel grabs a yellow, pyramid-shaped fruit and starts chewing into it. "Whell, af leasht wun oph you knowsh how to gapher foodh."

    I look over to see Del, with huge, fat fish, sparkling in the light of the enclave. It''s at least as big as a surfboard.

    "Del!" I spread out my arms in amazement, dropping the fruit I was holding. "That''s fucking huuuge!"

    She smiles. "I told you I would catch you a big one."

    "Yeah, no kidding!"

    She lays the fat bastard out on the rock. "It''s ready for you, Leader."

    "If you allow me a bit of time," says Domina, still struggling with her load, "I can prepare it and make a wonderful dish, Master."

    "Sounds good."

    "Most excellent, Master," she says as she walks over to the shore and puts down the food. "But we should wash up properly beforehand."

    A minute later, everyone is in the water, buck naked. The evening air in the jungle is comfortable, and the water is just the right level of cool. I hand Pinky over to Del, then I use my rage healing to bring back my limbs, momentarily drawing attention to myself as heat up enough to make the water by my legs boil.

    Del, seeing this for the first time, watches in wonder as muscle grows like ivy and binds to my metal bones and skin grows over it like its being painted on.

    She reaches over and feels my new, soft hands, her face a mix of wonder and concern.

    I tell her not to worry about it.

    She stops fussing, but the look doesn''t leave her face.

    ''Sides, Del''s body is the one I want to pay attention to.

    Holy shit, she firm and round in all the right places -she could be a lingerie model as easily as a pro athlete. But she''s not just ''hot'' or ''beautiful''. That would be simplifying it way too much. She''s, like, otherworldly. Divine, almost. She looks like she should be floating in the clouds somewhere, not wiping crap off of herself in some river in the jungle.

    In fact, all the Elementals are kind of like that. They''re all their own different versions of perfect. I loved Kris, and she cut a nice figure in her jumpsuit at work, but she was an old frumpy toad compared to the Elementals. I would have jumped off a bridge to know any one of them when I was on Earth. But living with them, fighting with them and sleeping with them are all perfectly normal for me. It''s almost a hassle, sometimes.

    But it''s kinda wierd, ain''t it? They''re all very beautiful, and they look human, but we can''t have kids together. If that''s the case, then why the Hell aren''t there any male Elementals? It don''t make a lot of sense. Why would God make a world and put people on it who can''t reproduce? What''s the point?

    "Yo, I got a question." I say, as I scrub a patient Pinky with big handfuls of water. "I think one of you mentioned it before, but there are no male Elementals, right?"

    "Why are you bringing this up now?" Zazel sighs as she scrubs her pits. "No, there aren''t. It''s not even clear we count as female, seeing as we don''t reproduce like you greasy humans and your little pets."

    "Okay. Why not? What''s the deal?"

    Zazel sighs as she move on to her arms. "Only God knows the answer to that. And why are you regurgitating this tedious topic? I was just beginning to relax."

    "Sorry, sorry. I was just thinking about how we''re gonna make shit happen on this world if nobody can make kids. No people, no future, right?"

    "I believe there must be a way," Del puts a hand on my arm. "If there is, we will find it."

    Zazel scoffs and rubs her neck. "That''s hardly a concern at present. After the Liberation Society is dealt with, we can discuss the issue in earnest. For now, focus on what''s in front of us."

    "Yeah, fair ''nuff."

    I start to wash my hair, and the other Elementals begin to file out of the water. Before long, me and Pinky are the only ones left.

    ''Only God knows the answer, huh? There''s a lot he''s keeping himself, I think.''

    As I get out Domina hands me a towel and a simple linen tunic. It''s big, soft, and smells like laundry soap.

    My biker leathers and jeans are torn to shit, and my boots were completely eaten away, so I use my pendant to regenerate my duds. But I fold them up and set them aside because the tunic feels really nice.

    I notice nobody is paying attention to me, so I set Pinky down and take a little time out to check our statuses.

    I close my eyes. Hey, necklace. I wanna take a quick look at our status. I''m especially curious about our newest green-haired deer whisperer.

    The blue runes appear, same as always.

    TRUE NAME: ASPHODEL

    TITLE: THE ELEMENTAL OF NATURE

    ALIGNMENT: NEUTRAL

    ARCHETYPE: LIFE DRUID

    PROFICIENCIES: AGILITY, WISDOM, MANA

    DEFICIENCIES: NONE

    SPELLS:

    NATURE''S CALL: LEVEL 3: THE CASTER CALLS OUT TO THE ALL THE ORGANISMS OF ASTRAEA, BESEECHING THEIR AID. FOR UP TO AN HOUR, ALL CREATURES WITHIN A MILE THAT CAN BE SEEN WITH THE NAKED EYE WILL DO THEIR BEST TO ASSIST THE CASTER IN THEIR MOST IMMEDIATE ENDEAVOR. THIS EFFECT ENDS AFTER ONE HOUR OR WHEN THE TASK AT HAND IS COMPLETE, WHICHEVER COMES FIRST. HAS NO EFFECT ON MONSTERS.

    EXPEDITE EVOLUTION: LEVEL 3: THE CASTER LAYS HANDS ON AN INDIVIDUAL ORGANISM AND SENDS ENERGY AND POTENTIAL DEEP INTO THE FABRIC OF ITS PHYSICAL STRUCTURE. THIS IS CAPABLE OF RESULTING IN A WIDE VARIETY OF EFFECTS, FROM SIMPLE HEALING TO THE MANIFESTATION OF POWERFUL NOVEL ABILITIES. THE EFFECT CAN BE TEMPORARY OR PERMANENT, DEPENDING ON THE WILL OF THE CASTER AND THE MANA EXPENDED. HAS NO EFFECT ON MONSTERS.

    WEB OF LIFE: LEVEL 3: THE CASTER LAYS HANDS ON AN ORGANISM AND TAPS INTO THE SHARED CONNECTION OF ALL THE LIFE ON ASTRAEA. WHILE CONNECTED, THE CASTER CAN EXCHANGE KNOWLEDGE AND SENSORY INFORMATION WITH ANY NON-MONSTER ORGANISM AND EVEN ISSUE SIMPLE COMMANDS TO IT.

    EQUIPMENT:

    SPEAR OF THE FITTEST: LEVEL 2: DEALS MODERATE PIERCING DAMAGE. THE BASE OF THE SPEAR CAN MORPH INTO AN ANIMAL PART, ALLOWING FOR A WIDE RANGE OF POSSIBLE TECHNIQUES AND ATTACK STYLES DURING COMBAT.

    GARB OF HUNT''S BOUNTY: LEVEL 2: PROVIDES MODERATE PROTECTION AGAINST MOST FORMS OF NON-MAGICAL DAMAGE EXCEPT BLUDGEONING. TWICE A DAY, THE WEARER MAY TRANSFORM INTO AN ANIMAL THAT THEY HAVE HUNTED AND KILLED IN THE PAST, FOR UP TO AN HOUR.

    MYSTIC FORAGER''S SATCHEL: LEVEL 2: PLANT AND ANIMAL MATTER PLACED WITHIN THIS SATCHEL ARE PURIFIED AND STAY FRESH INDEFINITELY, AND REPLENISH THEMSELVES IN SMALL AMOUNTS DAILY. LIMITED TO TWO SMALL VARIETIES OR ONE MEDIUM VARIETY.

    ELEMENTAL SUMMARY: ASPHODEL, THE ELEMENTAL OF NATURE, WATCHES OVER ALL LIFE IN ASTRAEA AND SEEKS TO MAINTAIN BALANCE IN NATURE. LIKE A MOTHER PROTECTING HER OFFSPRING, SHE WILL FIERCELY DEFEND THOSE SHE IS BONDED WITH WITHOUT RESERVATION.

    IN COMBAT, THE ELEMENTAL OF NATURE USES HER AGILITY, INSTINCTS, AND GUILE TO DEFEAT HER ENEMIES. ABLE TO SUMMON THE CREATURES OF ASTRAEA TO HER SIDE -AND BECOME ONE HERSELF- SHE CAN EMPLOY AN EXPANSIVE NUMBER OF PACK TACTICS TO THWART AND DESTROY HER ADVERSARIES.

    HER THRALLS ARE TINY SYMBIOTIC FUNGI THAT ATTACH THEMSELVES TO OTHER ORGANISMS AND TAKE CONTROL OF THEM, FURTHER BOLSTERING HER ABILITY TO ASSEMBLE LARGE FORCES OF CREATURES.

    Yeah, we definitely got lucky with Del. Raelith and Zazel are right: the cold, hard fact is we need as many boots -or paws or hoofs or whatever- on the ground as we can get. There''s no telling how many assholes the Limp Dicks are gonna throw at us, so the more, the better. We made a lot of thralls, but still.

    I ''scroll'' though the other Elementals'' and the only thing that changed was that all of their spells upgraded to Level 3. Looks like Zazel was right -we''re gonna need to release a lot more Elementals to make any real gains.

    I check myself, too, but the news is even less encouraging. I didn''t grow at all, same as the last three times. It''s not like I really need to get stronger, but it would be nice to get a new power or something. Or at least clothes that don''t melt and burn to ash every fight.

    I feel something wet prodding my leg and I open my eyes. It''s Pinky, and I very strongly get the impression that he''s trying to decide whether or try his first bite of human.

    "Pinky, I love you, but I will throw your cute little ass to the moon if you even try it."

    He looks up at me and cocks his head a little.

    Then it hits me. Does Pinky have stats? Maybe a special power or two? You never know with all the crazy shit that happens on this world.

    Sure enough, the pendant gives me the lowdown about the little guy.

    CLASSIFICATION: CERVUS INTELLGENTE ESURIENTEM

    GIVEN NAME: "PINKY"

    DOMESTICATION POTENTIAL: HIGH

    PROFICIENCIES: NONE

    DEFICIENCIES: HEALTH, STRENGTH, AGILITY, ENDURANCE, MANA

    SUMMARY: CERVUS INTELLIGENTE ESURIENTEM ARE A RARE SPECIES OF CERVID. THEY ARE OMNIVOROUS, BUT PREFER TO EAT MEAT. ALTHOUGH RELATIVELY SMALL WHEN YOUNG, WELL-NOURISHED ADULT MALES CAN REACH SHOULDER HEIGHTS OF 7 FEET AND WEIGH IN EXCESS OF 1500 POUNDS.

    MALES LIVE WITH THEIR FAMILIES UNTIL SEXUAL MATURITY, AT WHICH TIME THEY LEAVE TO FIND MATES. A SUCCESSFUL MALE MAY HAVE A DOZEN OR MORE FEMALES IN ITS HERD. THEY ARE HIGHLY SOCIAL AND HAVE SOPHISTICATED AND COMPLICATED RELATIONSHIPS.

    WHILE PHYSICALLY VERY SEXUALLY DIMORPHIC, BOTH MALES AND FEMALES DEMONSTRATE HIGH LEVELS OF INTELLIGENCE AND SPATIAL AWARENESS, AS WELL THE ABILITY TO GROW LUMINESCENT BULBS FROM THEIR HORNS. THEY CAN USE THEIR BULBS TO COMMUNICATE AND AND HAVE THE ABILITY TO DETACH THEM TO DISTRACT AND CONFUSE PREDATORS.

    I pick up Pinky and give him some loves. "You''re gonna grow up to a big boy, ain''t ya?"

    Pinky nuzzles my neck.

    "Master? Everything is well?" Domina calls from the shore. Everyone is setting up in a cozy little corner by the treeline, and Domina has even busted out a table and some chairs.

    "Yeah. Just talkin'' to Pinky. We gonna start cookin''?"

    "Preparations are underway, Master!"

    "Nice."

    <hr>

    Our busiest Elemental does pretty much everything. She sets out a table for us, makes a fire prepares the fish, washes and cuts the fruit and veggies, serves Zazel her precious wine, and a million other things. She may be drained of mana, but she doesn''t need her clones - she''s a one Elemental army, and a fast one at that.

    The fish, as it turns out, is delicious. It''s juicy, firm, and savory, and the vegetables and fruits aren''t too shabby, either. Pinky, seated in my lap, chomps up everything I give him -and a couple things I don''t- like a greedy little piggy.

    "Domina," I wipe my mouth. "That was delicious. Thanks to you, I''ll never forget my first time eating fish. I''m pretty sure Pinky feels the same."

    "Of course, Master. I''ll be sure to make the next one extra special!" She tops up my wine. "I only wish Lady Raelith had been here. I''ll set some aside for her."

    "I''ve never had anything like that, Domina, but it was scrumptious." Asphodel leans over her half-finished goblet of wine. "I''m not sure what to think of this ''wine'', though."

    Zazel smiles for the first time all night. "Nature, you will soon learn to appreciate the wonders of alcohol." She nods to Domina and raises her own goblet. "You did well, Domina. Thank you. And you would do even better to break out another bottle."

    I laugh. "Shit, are you trying to get wasted?"

    She shrugs and takes another sip. "I''m not trying to ''get wasted,'' you imbecile. I''m trying to enjoy myself."

    "Okay, okay. Here, let me-"

    Everyone turns and stares into the jungle as we become aware of a strange racket. Branches snap and snap as something approaches us, and the noise grows louder and louder.

    "That''s gotta be Raelith now."

    The crashing gets louder, and a red light gleams through the trees and plants.

    Hey, Raelith! That you?"

    The sounds and light get even more intense.

    I stand up and shield Pinky. Not another fucking monster, please. I just got clean!

    "I have returned, Beautiful. And I bring gifts!"

    Everyone relaxes as Raelith pushes through into a clearing with two things: an nasty-ass grey and black creature that looks like a giant penguin and a sloth had a ugly baby, and a big fat red crystal in the other.

    Zazel sighs and shakes her head. "If you wanted to hunt for game, why did you not simply ask Nature for help? She would have made short work of the jungle animals."

    Raelith throws the critter on the ground like a sack of garbage. "Why should I depend on others for my food?" She smirks. "Besides, this one was fun to catch. It was trying to hide, but I could smell its fear."

    I look down at the poor animal, its long beak laying open. "What the fuck is it?"

    "No idea, but it looked tasty. And I found this crystal. Thought I''d save you the trouble of getting it later." She plops the huge thing on the jungle floor with a massive thud and dusts her hands. "I guess this one probably has a Blessing in it."

    I take another bite of fish, hand Pinky off to Del, and stand up. "Might as well see what it is. I hope it''s something decent for a change."

    I walk over and place a hand on the big, red, glowing crystal and close my eyes. I feel a jolt of energy, like a keg being tapped, followed by a smooth, gentle warming sensation that spreads though my whole body.

    "That was kinda nice. Now what does this thing do...?"

    DIVINE BLESSING: GOD''S EYE: AFTER ACTIVATION, YOU WILL BE ABLE TO OBSERVE ANY PERSON ON ANY PLANE, PROVIDED YOU ARE ACQUAINTED WITH THE THEM, FOR A SHORT TIME. THIS BLESSING HAS AN UNLIMITED NUMBER OF USES, BUT IT MAY ONLY BE ACTIVATED ONCE PER DAY.

    Memories of Kris flash before me. I sit back down and take a deep breath.

    Zazel raises an eyebrow. "Well? What is it?"

    I shrug. "Eh, like Raelith said, it''s a Blessing."

    "Ugh, I meant what does it do?"

    I sit and just stare past everyone. "It lets me watch whoever I want for a little while. As long as I''ve met them before."

    Zazel leans back in her chair. "Ugh, that would have been great  - if you knew someone in the Liberation Society."

    Raelith sighs. "Yeah. Even just one use at an opportune time could have given us a huge strategic advantage."

    A little bit of disappointment hangs in the humid jungle air. They are right, after all. Being able to spy on the Limp Dicks, even just occasionally, could be big for us, especially given how little we know about what they''re doing.

    But I haven''t told them about Kris. I mentioned my ex to them a couple of times, but never the name. And never the fact that she was the one who cut my nuts off and watched me bleed out. I''m not even sure why I never told them. Maybe I was worried the Elementals wouldn''t trust me if they knew I was once in love with one of the members of the group that was going to try to take over their world.

    Or maybe it just slipped my mind.

    But I have to tell them. I can''t throw a big advantage in the garbage and risk gimping us just because I feel some weird sense of guilt or shame about not telling them. If I''m going to build a future with these Elementals, I can''t have a bunch of secrets buried under the foundation.

    I lean down with my hands folded in my lap. "Actually, I do know someone in the Liberation Society."

    All the chatter and motion stops as everyone''s heads turn in my direction. Zazel''s eyes widen, Del''s mouth falls open, and Raelith''s hand grips her axe. Domina stops working.

    Zazel blinks and leans forward. "You what? Why have you not told us before now? Do you not trust us, Sausage?"

    I stare at the jungle floor. "It''s not that."

    "Then what is it?" Raelith growls.

    "It''s... It''s complicated."

    Del''s voice softens. "Leader?"

    I look up at everyone. "Look, I''ll tell you. I''ll tell you everything. Just gimme a minute."

 Gods Eye

    Zazel and Raelith burn me with their stares and Del and Domina look at me like I told them they have an incurable disease. Even Pinky is fixated on me.

    Raelith''s hands ball into fists. "Enough stalling. We deserve to know."

    I take a deep breath. "Fine. You know I had a girlfriend. Her name was Kris-"

    Zazel interrupts. "Kris? Wait, is this the same creature you were pining over before?"

    I put my hands up. "Chill, lady. Will you let me finish? I''m getting to it."

    "Then get to it faster." Raelith says, her blue eye looking down on me.

    "Yes, speak, fool!"

    "Yeah, I''m trying to tell you!" The Elementals flinch and Pinky hides his head as my sound of my shout rips through the enclave. My core churns, as if threatening to act up again.

    I let out a gravelly sigh. "Kris was my first and only girlfriend back on Earth. And, yes, Zazel, we were in love -at one point."

    Zazel folds her arms and continues glare at me like I''m living horse shit.

    "Things were going pretty good - she had my back and I had hers. But then she started hanging out with a bunch of activist types she met through some buddies at work. I thought they were just run-of-the-mill, wannabe rebels at first - there were lots of cats like that in the pits of Central.

    "But shit just kept getting weirder and more extreme as time went on until she started talking about ''escaping the prisonworld'' and ''equality with non-organic people'' and shit like that." I scratch the back of my head and close my eyes. "I disagreed. I thought it was all crazy bullshit that wasn''t gonna do shit ''cept give the State - our piece-of-shit ''government'' - a quick and easy excuse to fuck us up - or worse."

    Everyone continues to listen intently as I go on.

    "Kris and I used to argue a lot about it. It drove us apart, but I let her do what she wanted because I didn''t want to lose her."

    Zazel rolls her eyes. "If you were so attached to her, why did you not join them? I''ve seen your temper and lack of restraint. You would have been quite at home with them, no?"

    "I''m not a fucking activist, Zazel. That''s not my style. And even if I was, there was something really wrong with them. Like, beyond the norm. They were changing her. They were..." I hesitate. "They were brainwashing her right in front of my eyes. And I couldn''t do anything about it because it would have made her hate me, and blowing it up would have caused the State to come down on all of us."

    "What happened next?" Del asks, stroking Pinky thoughtfully.

    "Well, I don''t know exactly what happened, but not long after those fuckers started using our apartment as a safehouse, they started calling themselves the Liberation Society. Dudes in weird fucking clothes popped in and out, taking and dropping off ancient-ass banned books and other illegal shit at all fucking hours."

    I shake my head, remembering how stressful that shit was and how pathetic I felt. "One time, we even had to babysit a bot they had jacked from somewhere, and even the Limp Dicks were nervous as shit because we all thought there was no way the State wasn''t going to trace it to us."

    I can see the worry and suspicion on the Elementals'' faces. It makes me a little nervous, but I gotta tell them everything if they''re gonna trust me.

    "And the whole time, Kris was completely sold on everything, hook, line and fuckin'' sinker. They were controlling her mind, and she was happy to let ''em do it. But those assholes weren''t satisfied with that."

    Domina rubs her arm and frowns sadly. "Master, I don''t like where this is going..."

    "Yeah, well, imagine how I felt." I stare down at the dark jungle soil. "One day, after work, when I got home, and I find some creepy pencil dick balls deep in Kris, and that was enough to finally send me over the edge. We had a huge fucking argument and I finally worked up the nerve to draw the line. I made her choose: the Limp Dicks, or me."

    I clench my fist and grit my teeth. "And she chose them. She threw some shit in a bag and left the life we had built together behind her like it was nothing." I slam my fist down on the table. A huge chunk of it cracks off and the goblets and wine bottle spill everywhere. "I thought we were in love, but all she cared about was that fuckin'' cult!"

    My core is stirring so much I can barely sit still. The Elementals continue to stare at me, but their eyes have softened and their faces are filled with a mixture of pity and concern. That is, except Zazel - if anything, she looks even more pissed.

    I take another deep breath. "After she left, I thought that was that. My life was ruined. I stopped going to work, and I knew I wasn''t gonna be able to pay for the apartment by myself, so I spent the rest of my time laying around drinking and smoking until the super Barney or some other asshole came to kick me out. Nobody showed up for a day or two, until a couple of random Limp Dicks came to scoop a bunch of their stupid crap they''d left there, but after that, didn''t see or hear from nothin'' from nobody. Almost a whole year of drama and living on the fucking razor''s edge ended pretty much overnight, or at least that''s what my dumb ass thought."

    I look away and shake my head. "And then, late one night, my fucking door exploded, and some bots rushed my ass. Bots are strong, and I sure as hell wasn''t no fuckin'' Hero back then, so they pinned me down real fast, like I was made out of paper or some shit. Then, there was this purple light and Kris came in and said a bunch of crazy cult shit, then cuts my nuts off." I shake my head and rub my face. "And... She just stood there and watched me bleed out. The last thing I remember is her staring at me like I was pile of burning garbage."

    Raelith shakes her head and looks away, Del and Domina exchange sad looks, and Pinky makes a little wining sound. Zazel just stares and stares.

    "That''s it," I say, "That''s truth. I was with Kris, and yes, she was with the Limp Dicks and I stood around and did nothing while they fucked up-"

    Then, Zazel stands up and slaps her hand on the remains of the table. "You imbecile!" Her voice is shrill and angry, her face red as hell. "This is absolutely unbelievable! I knew you were a fool, but you''ve really, really outdone yourself!"

    I turn up my palms. "What the hell, Zazel? I tell you the truth and spill my guts to you, and you fuckin'' insult me!?"

    She steps forward and gets in my face, her hands balled into tiny white fists, her blue eyes wide. "You absolute, utter, blundering moron! If you knew that your ex-lover and her group were planning an invasion, and you knew they were likely going to be the ones to attack us, why did you not tell us this earlier?! And why did you not say anything before now?!"

    I turn away. "Look, I''m sorry. I don''t know why I didn''t tell you. I was afraid, I guess. I was afraid you wouldn''t trust me or something."

    Zazel scowls and rounds the table, stomping toward me. "If it was just that, I might consider forgiving you! But you... you..."

    Her face gets tighter and redder, and for a moment, I think I''m gonna get slapped. But then, her lips start to quiver, and a tear rolls down her cheek.

    "You- You''re still in love. You''re still in love with that creature!"

    "What? The fuck I am! Didn''t you hear anything I just said? She murdered me! She cut off my balls! No way-"

    "That''s why you hesitated to make thralls with us! You''re nothing but a wretched stack of muscles and lies! You can''t even be honest with yourself!"

    "So now you''re calling me a liar? You''re starting to sound like that ''tyrant'' you hate so much."

    "Don''t even try to make this about me! You''re in love with her, you wretched little creature!"

    "Yeah fucking right! You think I''d simp for her after what she did?"

    "I don''t know what you would do! Maybe you''d obliterate her on sight, or maybe you''d start humping her leg like the animal you are!"

    "Fuck that! What she did was totally unfuckingforgiveable!"

    "Then why did you keep her a secret from us!?"

    I throw my hands up. "I don''t know! I just don''t know, okay!?"

    She turns her back to me, fists balled and shaking. "You lover your killer - our enemy - yet you can''t... yet you can''t..."Unauthorized usage: this tale is on Amazon without the author''s consent. Report any sightings.

    Zazel storms away, and Domina runs after her. The jungle becomes silent, save for a few birds and bugs. Everyone else is still watching me.

    Then Raelith gets up and walks over to me very deliberately. I look up at the giant woman as she closes in, still reeking of the blood of the ugly animal she hunted down. She stares back down at me with that sharp blue eye of hers.

    "What''s your problem?"

    "It is your problem that concerns me."

    "Look, all that shit happened before I even knew Astraea was a thing. I''m not gonna-"

    "I don''t think you will betray us." she says, her voice dark and slow." But I do think you are soft."

    "And what the hell makes you think I''m soft?"

    "I don''t think. I know. You are made of steel, but that steel is molten underneath the surface."

    "Yeah, and it burns pretty damn hot."

    "It does. It is one of the things I admire about you. But I''m no fool: it is a potential vulnerability - for you and the rest of us. So, I will ask you a question. And don''t you dare lie to me."

    I fold my arms. "Fine. What?"

    "If you encounter this Kris person in the future, what will you do?"

    "The fuck kind of question is that?"

    "The kind you will answer. Now." She steps closer and bends over, putting her face just inches from mine. "What will you do if you see her? Will you strike her down? Or will tender emotions stay your hand?"

    I stare into her flickering blue eye. "I ain''t gonna hold back. Especially not against someone who cut me up and watch me die."

    Raelith sneers. "I want to believe you, but talk comes cheap, so I will warn you now: if we encounter this ''Kris'' individual, and you hesitate exact your vengeance for even a moment, I will cut her down myself."

    "Whatever." I stand up, and walk a few paces away before turning back around. "Why are we even talking about this? We don''t know if she''s coming with them if she''s even alive or not." I shrug. "Hell, she might have already been whacked by one of her precious ''allies''. I once heard one of those assholes say they clipped a guy just because he made a joke about a bot."

    "Hmph." Raelith walks away and heads toward her kill, the ugly still laying in the dirt where she left it.

    It''s quiet for a moment, and the tension feels thicker in the air than the humidity.

    Del runs her fingers through her hair, then breaks the silence. "Well, Leader, perhaps you should use the Blessing and find out if she''s still alive. If she is, then maybe we can learn something. And if she''s not, perhaps it will bring you a bit of closure."

    I scratch my head. "Yeah... Maybe that''s not a bad idea. No matter what, we''ll know more than we do now, so might as well."

    I close my eyes and ask the pendant how to use the Blessing. It''s simple enough; I just need a reflective surface and a place to sit.

    "Yo, guys." I say as I open my eyes and reach for one of the silvery wine goblets left on the table. "Help me put some more wood on the fire. I need some light for this."

    Raelith and Del both get busy gathering up wood and throwing it on the fire while I sit in front of it. The flames get higher and brighter, and soon, I can see my face nice and clear on the surface of the shiny cup.

    "Okay, I think we''re ready to do this." I say as I take a seat with my back to the fire.

    Pinky waddles to my lap, staring at me expectantly as if to say, "What''s this? Something fun? Count me in!"

    Del''s scoops up the little scamp and carries him away. "Not now, little one."

    Raelith says nothing as she begins to skin the ugly animal by the fire, but I get the impression she''s paying some amount of attention.

    "Okay, everybody. I''m about to do my thing." I focus on my reflection. I breath in and out with a slow rhythm as I stare deep into my left peeper.

    "God''s Eye."

    Several moments pass, and nothing happens - not even a sparkle or a chime. But just when I begin to think I''ve fucked it up, I notice a little golden, star-like light begin twinkle inside my pupil. The golden star grows brighter, and my vision blurs and turns white.

    For a few seconds, all I can see is a blurry white, rainbow-laced wall of waves. It''s almost like someone is trying to drown me in glowing milk or something. It''s kind of scary, but also beautiful. Then, the wall of white fades, and I''m looking at a big, narrow dark room.

    The whole place looks like its made of iron or obsidian, and there isn''t even a window. It''s lit only by red and purple strip lighting, and the dim glow of an array of several large monitors. In front of the screens, there''s some crazy tall person in a long black and purple hooded cloak standing and watching one of them like a hawk.

    Who''s this asshole? No way that''s Kris - fucker is like eight feet tall...

    "Soon, you will know the truth. But will you choose freedom?" Their voice is gentle and clear, but I can''t tell if it''s a chick or a dude talking. It sounds really neutral - and like nothing I''ve ever heard.

    The hell is going on? Did I fuck up the blessing? That can''t be Kris. Something is hella off here. Is this cat even a Limp Dick?

    There''s a short, weird buzz in the back of the room.

    The figure turns around, revealing a featureless mask of black chrome. "You may enter."

    A white light floods the room for a moment as the other person walks in, metal boots clanking on the floor.

    The door closes behind her automatically, and when my eyes adjust, I see a beautiful woman. She''s decked out in some kind of smooth steel armor that doesn''t cover her joints - I guess to make her more agile - and she has a long flowing ponytail of shimmering silver hair. She''s dripping with sex appeal - and determination.

    Who the hell are these people?

    She walks up to the cloaked figure and stands before them, but doesn''t get too close. The cloaked figure is so much taller than her that she looks like a little kid standing in front of their dad.

    She cuts down vertically in front of herself with her hand, "Liberation," then crosses both hands over her chest, "and Unity".

    "Liberation," the tall figure returns her gestures, "and Unity."

    Yeah, they''re definitely Limp Dicks. The ''Unity'' bit is new, though.

    The woman draws a little closer. "We are nearly prepared, but-"

    "It seems none of the Pioneers were compatible with the device."

    "Yes, unfortunately. I am quite sure I instructed them properly, and did everything I could to account for error. They simply cannot use it."

    "Disappointing, but it is not much of a setback. I will assign a member of CPC to assist the PLF unit. Ensure they are well protected - losing even one of them could set us back for months."

    The woman takes a step forward. "I can use the device. Please allow me to-"

    "No. I need you at my side. We cannot afford to take chances."

    "Of course, Beloved. But surely even if they knew, they couldn''t-"

    The figure takes a couple of slow steps toward the woman, its smooth, shiny black mask reflecting the glowing red and purple trim on the walls. "We cannot take any risks. Billions upon billions of lives depend on our success. Or would you place your selfish desires ahead of their safety?"

    She shakes her head. "No! I would never!"

    "Then you will stay at my side, where I need you."

    "Yes, Beloved." The woman stands totally still, almost as if she''s afraid to move even an inch.

    The figure is equally still as it looks down on her. "Hm. I am disappointed. You always forget your lessons, no matter how many times I give them to you. But I am patient, if nothing else, so I will remind you - yet again."

    The tall figure presses a button, and all the monitors on the wall display a bunch of different scenes, all familiar as all hell.

    I start to feel sick to my stomach and my mind begins to race as I realize what I''m seeing: images me and the Elementals.

    One screen displays me walking through the fields with Althea and Zazel. One displays Raelith, fighting me on her mountain. Another shows us throwing down with the bugs and the anteater-dragon. There are a bunch of videos and still images of me, Althea, Zazel, and the others doing all kinds of shit from the past month, though it look like they were taken from really far away.

    I feel a little panic setting in. Motherfuckers were watching us the whole time!

    I try to think back to when they might have been watching and how they manged to do it without us knowing. But the Limp Dicks'' conversation goes on whether or not I pay attention to it, so I force myself to snap back to reality and focus.

    "....They have been very resourceful. We have no choice but to face them now, while they are still somewhat vulnerable. What unfolds on Astraea will determine whether life in this universe continues on in freedom or slavery. We cannot fail."

    "This is such a... harrowing mission. I believe in our abilities, but that man..."

    "I have no doubt in our ability to succeed. But that individual and his ability to draw out that bizarre power is indeed troubling. He is a far greater threat than we initially assumed, and his capabilities are growing still. Even so, we have several good options at our disposal - most of which are contingent upon you and your performance."

    "I understand. I will do everything I can to ensure our victory, Beloved." The woman looks away for a second. "No matter what, I will-"

    "You must reign in your sentimentality. I know you have suffered much already, but you have to endure and remember what is at stake."

    "Yes, Beloved! Without Liberation, all else is meaningless!"

    "Quite so." the figure stands in silence for a few more, staring at the woman for a few moments before gesturing toward the screens. "We have less than two hours before we launch the operation. We will not get another opportunity like this. Double check everything and return here immediately after."

    The woman cuts her hand vertically, then crosses her hands over her chest again "Liberation and Unity!"

    "Liberation and Unity."

    She turns to leave, and the masked figure presses another button. All the screens go black except one, that same one the freak was staring when I first popped in.

    I can''t see what the hell is on there, so I try to ''move'' my point of view, and it actually works. As I glide through air, my vision starts to become white again. But just before I go blind, I get a glimpse of what it is.

    I feel a jolt of fear surge through my chest and gut as I see a red countdown timer - and a live feed of Althea''s tower.

    My vision goes totally white, and in an instant, I snap back into the jungle.

    I bolt to my feet instantly. "Fuck! FUCK!"

    Domina''s eyes widen. "Master, what is it?"

    Raelith stops dressing her kill and looks over. "What did you see?"

    My breathing is rapid, and I try to calm down. I can''t. "They''re... They''re coming. Now!"

    Raelith''s axe materializes in her hands, and she stands up, alert. "What?! When?! From where?!"

    "I don''t know! I have no fucking clue! But we need to get to Althea right now!"

    "What? Why?" Del cradles a scared Pinky against her chest.

    "''Cause those fuckers are gonna kill her!"

 Help From Above, Death From Below

    "Pathetic! Absolutely pathetic!" Raelith growls like an animal and throws her axe across the river and into a tree. The tree cracks in half and makes a shit ton of noise as it falls over. "How could I have been so negligent, so undisciplined! I knew someone was watching us, yet I did nothing!"

    "How the fuck were they even able to watch us without us seeing them!?" I''m pacing around, doing everything I can to keep my shit together. "I thought they were still on Earth!"

    Del strokes Pinky reassuringly, but she looks like the one who needs reassurance. "But the Hero Pendant said-"

    "Yeah, I know what it said! They must''ve tricked it or fucked with it somehow!" I slam my fist into a tree and it cracks in half. "FUCK! Even if we moved as fast as we could, and nothing got in our way, we''d still never fucking make it!"

    The bushes rustle, and a wide-eyed Domina walks through with a red-eyed Zazel right behind her. "Master! Is Order truly in danger!? If she dies, all is-"

    "Yeah, you don''t need to fucking remind me!" I pick up a fat rock and hurl it into oblivion. "How the hell is this shit happening!?"

    "Isn''t there anything we can do, Master?" She says, her voice shaky and fearful.

    "If there was, don''t you think I''d be doing it right now!?" I yell at her a little louder than I want to, and she slinks back a little. Then my core starts to burn. "That''s it. My power. If we''re gonna lose anyway, I might as well-"

    Zazel sighs, seeming more burnt out than concerned. "Wait, a minute, Egg. There may be another way." She turns to Del. "Nature. You can control animals, right? Aren''t there any that can travel quickly and support our weight? Perhaps even some that fly? I saw some rather hearty beasts during our travels."

    Del ponders for a bit, staring into Pinky''s curious, worried little eyes.

    I turn up my palms. "Well?!"

    She continues to stare at Pinky. Or perhaps through him.

    "We''re wasting time! Raelith can you make a flying machine or some shit?"

    Raelith spits. "No! Curse my lack of mana."

    "I think I have an idea." Del finally blinks.

    Raelith folds her arms. "If you have an idea, spit it out. This is no time to hesitate!"

    "There is a creature that will suit our needs well, but not many of them live here."

    "So, what are you getting at?" I ask, a little more calm now.

    Del turns to me, her eyes shining bright. "I believe I can use my magic to call a flock of them. We can fly on their backs to reach Order before she falls!"

    I feel a bit of hope wash over me. "Fuck it - it''s worth a try. Let''s do it."

    Del smiles and nods gently as she hands me Pinky. "I don''t want to hurt the little one''s ears."

    I hold Pinky close and back away. Del raises her hands, closes her eyes, and lets a deep, echoing meow. As her voice carries through the jungle, we all wait and listen.

    At first, there is nothing. Then, the wind starts to pick up, and a few birds and bugs start to make noise. Then, a whole chorus of birds and bugs, and soon, it seems the whole jungle is alive with the sounds of animals.

    A small herd of catbirds appears, meowing and flying in circles above our heads. Del opens her eyes, turns to me, and smiles. "They will do whatever we wish." She waves at them, and the red, green, pink, blue, and yellow winged housecats land next to us and immediately begin playing and rolling around.

    My core flares a little. "Yo, what are we gonna do them? Hang on their tails?"

    Del is totally unphased. "I''m not done yet."

    The rest of us look on impatiently as she reaches into her little leather satchel and pulls out a few tiny red mushrooms. She waves at the catbirds, and they line up in a rough queue, passing by Del as she puts one of the mushrooms on the back of their necks.

    "What''s that crap gonna do?"

    "They''re my Thralls." She says, punctuating her sentence by planting the last mushroom. " Once they make contact, they place the animals permanently under my control." She stands up. "Now, for the last step. Please stand clear of our new friends."

    Everyone backs up as Del hold up her palms and takes a deep breath. Then, she begins to glow green as she lets out a deep, gentle purring sound. One by one, the catbird rub against her and she gives each one a couple of strokes, then something really wild starts to happen.

    The catbirds begin to shake all over. Their hair stands on end, and their tails, ears, and wings start to vibrate like crazy. Then, their bodies begin to grow, their fur and feathers get thicker, their eyes become bright, and their muscles get pumped. In less than a minute, the cute little catbirds are the size of elephants. Del stops glowing, and the catbirds are all purring like giant kittens. They look kind of like those big fat fancy Persian ones I saw in one of my mom''s ancient Cat Fancy magazines.

    Del walks up to me and smiles. "We can leave any time you are ready."

    "Shit, Del, you''re amazing. You might have just saved the world with that!"

    Domina applauds as Raelith and Zazel look on in surprise, and Pinky is pointing his head at all the big cats, as if he''s trying to decide which one he wants.

    I give the catbirds a quick looking over. "Okay, so which one is the fastest?"

    Del purses her lips and shrugs. "They''re all roughly the same."

    "Okay, how the hell do we ride them?"

    Del walks up to the green cat and grabs the base of its feathery wing. She steps into its long, thick fur and begins to climb up its side, with the catbird not really caring at all. When she reaches its neck, she sits on its shoulders and leans forward. "The fur is thick and easy to grip. Just stay low and you will be fine."

    "I like this one," says Raelith as she stomps toward the red one, "it is a deep crimson, like Beautiful''s blood-"

    The huge fluffy animal''s eyes narrow as it hisses and swipes at Raelith with a claw, which she quickly deflects with a materialized shield.

    "You dare challenge your new master, you foul creature!? I would use your tail as a harness!"

    The cat hisses again and yowls deeply, hair standing up on end as its back arches wickedly.

    Del hops off hers and pets the offended creature. With each stroke, it seems loosen up a bit more, but it doesn''t take its eyes of Raelith for even a second.This novel is published on a different platform. Support the original author by finding the official source.

    Dell turns to Raelith. "It would seem this one has a history with you."

    "What? Impossible. I''ve never seen this creature a day in my life. I demand you force it to submit to me immediately."

    The catbird rubs it''s massive furry head against Del''s body. "War, this one recalls almost being killed by a weapon you threw at it."

    "Foolishness. This animal is as large as it is delusional. Perhaps I should choose another."

    "Quit fucking around!" I yell. "We gotta go!" I give mine - the pink one - a quick pat and pull a bit on its mane, but the big furball doesn''t notice at. "Dell, how do I get this thing to move!"

    Del gives me and the cat a smooth, arching wave. "Go, Leader! We''ll be right behind you!"

    The cat gives a loud, friendly meow. Then, it looks looks up at the canopy, lowers its ass, tightens up, and leaps into the air like a missile.

    I hold on as tight as I''ve ever held onto anything as it rockets through the jungle canopy in the blink of an eye. I feel the giant leaves and branches scrape me all at once as we shoot through.

    "Holy shit!"

    The wind rushes into me, and I feel like I''m on my way to the fucking moon. I look down, and the jungle lights look like tiny bits of glitter.

    "Oh, fuck!"

    I feel Pinky shaking in my jacket, but there ain''t no time to comfort him.

    Just as I feel gravity start to threaten us, the cat begins to pump its wings, each flap pounding and pushing the air with a thick, mighty woosh.

    Finally we stabilize a little. I give Pinky a few pats thought my jacket as I look around and try to spot Althea''s tower. I can see the whole jungle from here, and way off in the distance, the savanna. I also catch the red, blue, and green crystals dotting the landscape. Then, I spot the dimmest pale white glow on the far horizon.

    Althea, we''re coming! Just hold on! You''ve gotta fucking hold on!

    My core flares up, and my fists grip the catbird''s mane even more. My throat and stomach tighten and I start to feel a little nauseous.

    Althea, I''m gonna save your ass, even though you jumped ship. I thought you were my friend and my right hand, but you left us behind, and that hurt - a lot. You were right, though, as you always are. It''s true. I''m dangerous - a loose cannon. There''s something seriously bad lurking inside of me, and I''m not sure if I can really control it.

    But I''m not gonna let that asshole control me or define me. I''ve learned some things, and I''m not just living for revenge anymore. I have a new reason to fight, and I want to tell you what it is because I want you to be a part of it. No, I need you to be a part of it.

    So please don''t fucking die.

    <hr>

    As the catbird and I slice through the air, I turn around to see the others are catching up to me. Del is on her green cat, Raelith is riding the yellow one, Domina is on the Red one, and Zazel is on top of the blue one.

    The catbirds cut the wind like a knife as we soar over everything, but it feels like we''re crawling. After a few minutes, I start to get impatient.

    "Can''t this fucker fly any faster?"

    The big pink furball makes a low gurgle sound in response.

    "I hope that means yes." I lean forward and pull on its mane, and the catbird begins to pump its wings faster.

    It really picks up the speed, and I have to tighten my grip even more and squeeze my legs against its body. I look back, and the others have been left in the dust.

    I turn back around and lean into the wind, and Pinky lets out a shaky little cry as we pick up even more speed.

    As we fly, the landscape beneath us begins to change. The greenery below us gives way to a wide, moonlight-bathed savannah, and I can even see a little bit of the red glow from Raelith''s mountain way far off.

    But the beauty of it all does almost nothing to for my nerves. Every hour that passes is torturous. I keep watching the glow on the horizon, wondering if the Limp Dicks are already there and how Althea is holding up. If she''s holding up. Whatever the case, I''m hours away and there ain''t shit I can do except hope this giant cat''s wings don''t give out.

    I watch the sky for any signs of the Limp Dicks, but the sky stays quiet and clear. No explosions, no lights, no nothin''.

    Where are those crazy assholes?

    That''s when I see them. Dozens of purple sparks flicker from out of the dark, starry night; standing out even among the sea of colorful stars. They fall slowly, leaving long purple and violet streaks behind them.

    What the fuck is that shit?

    Whatever they are begin to slow down, and I notice that they are actually several smaller, identical objects grouped together. As they fall, the groups split up, but I can''t see what what they do or where they go after that.

    My core flares and quivers, and can feel the heat spreading through my whole body. They''re here. They''re actually fucking here.

    "Come on!" I pull the catbird''s mane, "Let''s get moving!"

    The pink fucker yowls and begins to flap its wings even harder. I look back and the others are still a couple hundred feet behind me, but they''ve definitely picked up some steam, especially Raelith, who I can hear laughing and screaming like a crazy barbarian even from here with the wind blowing in my ears.

    I turn around and face the catbird''s fluffy ears. "Hey, pump the gas, fleabag!"

    The big guy yowls, as if to say, "jump off and walk if you don''t like it!"

    I give up, and turn turn back to the tower, focusing in on it like a hawk. C''mon Althea. Stay alive. Please.

    <hr>

    After another half hour of flying, I finally start to make out the shape of Althea''s tower. The light from her crystal-like spire shines out into the sky, and the whole area is glowing like a silver sun.

    I breathe a sigh of relief when I see that the tower is still standing, but then I realize the its is surrounded by a bunch of tiny, flickering lights - and they''re moving.

    My core roils and my chest tightens. It''s finally fucking happening. I''m here to save Althea, but ain''t forgot about your asses. Your bills are overdue, motherfuckers. And I''m coming to collect.

    My core is really starting to warm up now, and I can feel Pinky fidgeting in my jacket.

    Ain''t no point in denying it. As soon as I get a good look at one of those fuckers, I''m gonna lose my shit. There''s no way I ain''t gonna go a little crazy. And I know, deep down, that if I give that fucker in my head one inch, he''s gonna take the whole fucking world.

    A bit of panic surges through me. I can''t use my power, but I need it to win. The Elementals are too weak, and the Thralls are all off looking for resources. It''s on me to win this shit.

    If I don''t use this fucking power of mine, they''re gonna fill us full of lead and win the war is soon as we show our faces. My blood is really flowing, and I''m breathing hard and fast. But if I do use the power, I''m gonna lose control. That fucker isn''t gonna play around if he shows up again.

    "FUCK!" I growl through my teeth. My core heats up a little more. Godfuckingdammit! I was screwed from the second they got here!

    Pinky kicks me. But it doesn''t make me mad. It cools me down a little, if anything.

    There''s a solution here. There''s gotta be.

    I wrack my brain, delving as far back into my mind as I possibly can. I have time, might as well use it to try my noodle.

    I remember what God told me after I died. I think of his words, the ones about surviving, making sure Althea and Zazel stay alive and.... Keeping order and chaos in balance.

    Something clicks. It''s sluggish and rusty, but it clicks. But I need it to click one more time.

    There has to be a middle ground. There''s gotta be a way I can use this power without getting out of control. I need to find a way to harness just a little bit of that strength without going apeshit. Or maybe I can go apeshit but control the direction of my fury, or... I don''t know. There has to be something I can do, some trick that can keep that fucker from coming out and taking me over.

    Pinky kicks me again.

    "I know, I know. I''m working on it."

    Middle ground... Balance... In between two places... Or two things?

    There''s one - or maybe two - things that I can think of that even have a snowball''s chance in hell of helping me: the Dice.

    Memories flash in my vision, and my core flickers. If you get Snake Eyes, you''re fucked. I did everything I could to put that shit out of my mind and keep it there. But they''re my only chance - I just know it.

    The memories won''t stop. They insist on showing me all the embarassing, arrogant, and stupid shit I said and did. Shit that hurt everyone I cared about. Shit that killed me.

    Pinky kicks me again.

    I rub him a bit through my jacket. "Dude, chill."

    I can''t dwell on that crap right now. There''s no choice. ''Sides, should be okay if I don''t overdo it - It''s all about balance. Not sure if it''s gonna work, but I have to try. It''s the only thing to try.

    Popping and zipping.

    I snap back to reality when something hard and fast strikes me in the shoulder.

    "ARGH! SHIT!" I sink down, shielding Pinky my free arm.

    The cracking and popping doesn''t stopp, and soon streaks of orange fly up at us from the darkness below like a storm of embers.

    The catbird is yowls and hisses as its thick body takes an absolute shower of hits. It sounds like marbles raining down on raw meat.

    "Fuck!"

    Another hits me in the fucking foot. Then the bicep -the one that''s shielding Pinky.

    "Motherfuckers!"

    I sink even lower, and pull on the cat''s mane as hard as I can without tearing out the fur. I yank it left and right, but it doesn''t want to change course.

    In fact, it doesn''t respond at all.

    "No! NO!"

    I feel the big animal going still. The muscles weaken, and the wings go limp. Gravity is taking over.

    I pull its fur so hard I tear it out, but there''s nothing I can do. The cat''s been shot - and shot bad. I can see the blood pouring from its neck and body.

    He''s dead.

    We fall out of the sky, spinning and twirling as the air as the abyss rushes up to meet us.