《The Incredibly Terrible Short Stories Of Infamy》


 The Original Chicken Sandwich

    Chick-Fil-A. Their claim of fame is being the founders of theoriginal chicken sandwich.I for one challenge such a blatant claim of a food industry that existed for onlyless than a mere century, but all of those mindless drones keep on stepping in past those doors justto eat the "original" chicken sandwich.There hasto be a chicken sandwich in history somewhere,somepoint and some time before them. That howeverbegs the obvious question, whoor whatwould that be?


    And so begins my venture diving headfirst into thecollectivesource of truth, where the center of knowledge runs amokincapable ofcontaining the wisdom bottled up inside. Chuck E Cheese''s. Off I speed away down the windy roads in my Lamborghinipainted in the most hideous shade of yellowto thisfountain of knowledge. There isno better place to go askfor knowledge in abundance, andthebest part is I can find this source every ten miles from where I live. Nothing canstop me!Except for the fact I had to park the car, and step put of it, and stamping my hand to get inside to make I sure I don''t accidentally take a kid. Go figure, I thought they come here to leave them behind, not the other way around.


    Once past all of the nuisance of a security point, I go upto the counter and said, "I need Chuck, tell him it¡¯s about a chick."


    The lady.OrI should saygirl, she lookslike 17, so probablya girl. She is stunned in response to my request, her mouth isstuck in a wide O and she just staresback blankly.It became an awkward moment, I did not know if she is just flirting or something. Whatever.


    "Uh, hold please." She responds finally, snapping back to whatever little senses she has. She goes to thebackroomand brings her managerbackwith her. He isfat. Really fat. I will not say more than that.


    "Sorrybud, Chuck just had his last appearance five minutes ago. Come back tomorrow."


    Oh shucks. I forgot the fountain of knowledge closes at 10,and Chuck is long gone before then. All is lost until a I catch sight of perhapsthe wisest person on the face of the earth, she practicallyhasstarted her own religion with millions of devoutloyal subjects.The one and only,Taylor Swift.


    She is there on stage singingher pop hitsto a small crowd of kids. SoI shove my way through this mindless crowd, grabbingtheir little facesand tossingthem aside likeobnoxiousspeed cones. Some parents gasp by my heroism, I have saved their children.But that is not why I am here, there are more pressing issues on my mind.


    I kneel before her presence, bequeathing her wisdoms. "Oh great mistress of the all knowing Taylor Swift, I beseekyour spiritual guidance.For I am going through a solemn and turbulent trial. Where mayI find the true original chicken sandwich?"


    Shestartson rambling her wisdomto me.There issomething about being mean, andbeing nothing but a bully, then about never getting back togetherfollowingthen to shake it off. Admittedly,at first it seemsto be nothing but random speech, until she mentionssomething about wildest dreams. It dawns on me.Everything became so much clearer, all the dots are nowconnected and I now know exactly what she is trying to tell me.


    I ecstatically thank her, "You truly are the wisest dame in the four realms."


    I run off excitedlybackinto my Lambo todrivewhere she told me to go. I haveto get never get back together again with someone who has a wild dream, in other words I need to hunt down Dr Seuss.And to get the answersI need is by being mean to get him to shake off the truth to me. It is SO SIMPLEthat I do notunderstand why I didnot see it sooner, I am a total idiot but now I am genius, oh, and Taylor too.


    Off my Lambo hums its beatific music, revving through the gears in an orchestratingtune. Dr Seuss did not see me coming up his drive way,buthe most definitely heard me. I find himjumping out his window in his boxers and shaving cream foaming the air, in an escapade from my surprising intrusion. That''s it, no more mister nice guy, time to be mean.


    Jumpingout of my Lambo and giving chase,agive a prettynice tackleif I do say so myself. The man goes down like a sack of potatoes. With that out of the way,mister nice guy is back, thatshouldencourage him toshake off the truth now.This tale has been pilfered from Royal Road. If found on Amazon, kindly file a report.


    "Sorry about that. Now tell me! Where can I find an original chicken sandwich? Tell me please!"I demand the man in a contagious plea.


    He streamed a location for me. "Have you asked a Flace in Space? Mister fox in socks made friends with those hens. I would count one, two, three then you are outtherefree."


    Another sir of genius. Off to my Lambo again,theugliest shade of yellow to match my awe inspiring wonder. Into my machine andaslap of my doors, I press the big red button. Some idiots press this button, thank goodness I am no idiot.


    The engines huma lively jetsoundingengine, in fact, it isfarbetter than a jet engine. The whiplash slaps me back in my seat as the car flies up, and up, and up, and up. Until I broke the stratosphere, atmosphere, hemisphere and whatever other sphere you can think of. Until I didit, make itin spacein my hideously yellow lambo. Aftertakinga quick roam out and about in space, there are no clear signs of the supposed Flace.Space is seeminglynot where to look. You know what, maybe he did notmeanspace.


    Something catches my hyper vigilant irises, corn kernelsfloating in space about to break past the atmosphere. Iknow for certainty that Ineed them, but they aregoingdowninto the atmospheresoon. Knowingwhat this means, I jerk my car to fly under those kernels and open my window. They startpoppingand fill my car up with fresh natural popcorn.


    Now that I have enough of that,it istime to go back to Dr.Seuss. Again, He does not see me coming, but he definitely hears me breakingthe sound barrier. He jumpsout again in his boxers and fresh shaving cream again,only this time he runs to my car instead of away from me. Half of my popcorn spillsout when he opens the door and he sits on my precious popcorn, it hurts my soul to see that shaving cream dripping on my popcorn.


    "Fine! I''ll get you what you seek for. To find it, we need to go archaeological."


    "Cool, sounds awesome to me. Where to?"I ask.


    "Arizona desert, but it''ll take us..."


    I press another red button, this is followed bythe world turningbright and then suddenly appearingin the middle of the Arizona desert.


    "Wow, that was fast." Dr Seuss says, "wait a minute? Couldn''t you have done that instead of coming to me at the speed of Mach 1?"


    I shrug, "Meh. Now what else doctor?"


    He scopes outthe immediate area in searchfor somethingcompletelyunbeknownst to me, until he pointsat abarely visiblealtar dedicated to some rock 30 meters away.


    "Aha! There!" He trembles his finger in the excitement that I expect from a genius discovery.


    We both fumble out of the Lambo to go the makeshift stone alter, the one dedicated to the rock. Actually, upon closer observation, that rock resembles instead, and quite shokingly,to a chicken sandwich. The Dr.picks it up and presents it to me gloriously.


    "I present to you the last of its kind, the petrified chicken sandwich. Legend isit has existed millions of years ago, since the time of the dinosaurs."


    I whistle in awe. "Dang, now that is old. But how can we tell if it us genuine?"


    Someone tapsmy shoulder.I find alone scientist that somehow appeared out of nowherein the open desert, but in retrospect so did Iand I guess that is fine.


    "I can use my spectrum-x radioactive scanner to test the authenticity of your foreign specimen." The scientist says.


    "What?"


    "Here, give me that. I can tell if it is real." He snatches the petrified chicken sandwich.


    He tosses it under the massively large machine and light flickering scanner that scansthe petrified thingy. A single speck of petrified chicken breaksoff,and in the same instance,one of the radioactive lights zapsthat piece. It glows and grows, bigger, and bigger, until an actual live pterodactyl stands before us.


    "Oh no," the scientiststreams an outrageously long sentence rapidlyin a single gulp of breath, "A pterodactyl must have been eating this sandwich around the time it has died and some of its saliva became petrified with the sandwich as it hardened and the DNA was conserved for these millions of years waiting for some idiot or genius to come along and use a radioactive laser that would restimulate the petrified DNA saliva cells to create a clone of the previous pterodactyl!"


    The flying beast eatsboth the Dr.and Scientist in one gulp. He isabout to eat me too, and I always get gassy when I am nervous. So I pass gas and the big bird topplesover dead.


    "Huh, talk about being extinct." I click my tongue, flicking my fingers at it like if I am some cool rocker.


    Ading not unlike that of a donemicrowaverings. The scanner that is now done scanningis shutting down. Incredible,thepetrified chicken iswarmed up andapparentlynow fresh. Naturally, I pickit up to sink my teeth into it, getting a taste of the true original chicken sandwich.


    ¡°Mmm¡­¡± I clench my fists on the amazing sandwich, twisting in ecstasy from the amazing blend of flavors.¡°this is truly an original ancient chicken sandwich.¡±


    The two guys in the pterodactyl''s stomach yell, "Can you let us out? We want to try too."

 Two Halves And A Quarter

    This is the most wonderful day you are having, hiking the seldom walked forest of your choice. You feel the cool breeze blowing against your back, bringing nothing but a refreshing experience to remember. All is a bliss, that is until a glitter catches your eye.


    What is it?You wonder.


    It is to your surprise to find two halves of different coins. They may worth a lot, or they may not worth anything at all. However, one thing you know for certain is that they worth something to you, and because of that you take it and stuff them in your pocket. A runner, one of the few that travel this trail catches you crouching over the two coins.


    You nod at him politely as he approaches, that is after all the friendly thing to do among your kind of people. Instead of passing by you, or even nodding back for that matter, his curiosity of what you found compels him.


    ¡°What¡¯you find there?¡± He asks you mildly fast. His breathing is a broken up gasping for air.


    ¡°Oh nothing.¡± You reply innocently. After all, nobody could care for two measly small coins, that more likely than not worth nothing.


    ¡°Come on, you can share. There is no one else to know but you and me.¡± He pressures adamantly.


    You give it some thought. It is true that they are just halves of coins, he seems to have a dying curiosity. And you reason what good is there to have two unique coins if you are not to share their existence. So you pull them back out from you pockets, displaying them in your joyous hands.


    The man inspects them closely, he too appears to excite over the finding of the two small coins.


    ¡°Wow! You found two halves of coins?¡±


    ¡°Yes, I found two halves of coins. But different coins.¡±


    ¡°Different coins?¡±


    ¡°Yes, different coins.¡±


    ¡°You found two halves of different coins in the same spot?¡±


    ¡°Yes, I found in the same spot two halves of different coins?¡±


    ¡°And you found two halves today?¡±


    ¡°Yes, I found the two halves of different coins today in the same spot.¡±


    ¡°What an exciting find!¡±Enjoying the story? Show your support by reading it on the official site.


    ¡°Yes! I it is very exciting to have found these two halves of different coins for me, especially since it was on the same day at the same place. Even though they are likely worthless, they are not worthless to me.¡±


    ¡°Neither me.¡± He says.


    You wonder what he means by that.


    ¡°I wish to purchase those two coins from you. Since they are two halves, I wish to pay one whole coin since they are equal value.¡±


    You shake your head. ¡°No. Even though one coin is the same as two halves, these two are special to me so they worth more than two halves.¡±


    ¡°Very well then, how does ten coins sound? For you see, they also have worth for me.¡±


    You scoff. ¡°Ha! You view them with just but ten whole coins, for me they worth far more than a thousand. These may in fact worth a million if they are but two halves and only two halves.¡±


    The man puffs up, the air intensifies between you and he.


    ¡°Very well.¡± He starts. ¡°How about you give me those two coins on loan, so I may boast about them for the time being and I return them two to you.¡± His eagerness to lay hands on the two coins is almost contagious.


    You tilt your head, wondering what game he is playing. Yes, your heart is charitable by nature, he demonstrates interest in the same things as you, and the coins are of little worth. So you nod in agreement and give him both half coins, even though it feels almost against reason. His nature almost seem to be beaming from the excitement of having these two coins in his possession, you two part ways and go on in with your destinations.


    Not more than a couple steps, another glint of metal catches your eye. Crouching again, you investigate what is calling your attention. You cannot believe your eyes, another coin is found but this time a quarter of a coin. The man also sees that you found another coin, only few steps from where you were.


    ¡°You found another half of a coin a few steps from the two halves you found?¡± He asks you.


    ¡°No, but a quarter of a coin.¡± You reply.


    ¡°Not far from the two halves of coins?¡±


    ¡°Yes. I found a quarter not far from the two halves of coins.¡±


    ¡°On the same day?¡±


    ¡°Yes. I found a quarter to a coin not far from the two halves of coins on the same day.¡±


    ¡°Why, that is a better find than the two halves!¡±


    ¡°Yes!¡± You answer in excitement. Your spine is tingly from the buzzing thrill of it all.


    ¡°Well, oh my. I most sincerely wish to trade the halves of coins for the quarter. That would be a much more splendid tale for boasting.¡± He holds the two halves of coins out in exchange.


    You hold this coin tightly in your hand, unwilling to part ways with this one. This is your special coin and it saddens you even the thought to be apart for a moment. You look forward to the enthralling moment as you get to tell the tale of the halves of coins and a quarter, the sharing expression of excitement that friends and family will partake with you.


    You shake your head, reluctant to betray this coin. ¡°No this one is my special coin.¡±


    ¡°Give it. It is a fair trade, the two halves which is all that there is, for the quarter, which is all that there is.¡± He reasons with you.


    But you reject his insistence. ¡°Even so, this is the one I want to keep. One quarter of a coin is far more charming than the two halves.¡±


    Like a brat who seems to know nothing else than spoils, tosses the two halves of coins on the ground in frustration. He trails away shouting in a childish tantrum as he disappears into the forest.


    ¡°If I can¡¯t have them all, I¡¯ll have them none.¡± He hollers his last words.


    You pick up the two coins he abandoned on the ground, the two halves of coins that you find worth in even though others do not. This is going to be an exciting tale to share with other indeed.