《Petrichor》


 Prologue: The Devils Trill

    Elizabeth


    August 28th, 2012


    It¡¯s raining down again.


    Grace Ciotta stares at her new school. It¡¯s the first day, and she already feels out of place, intimidated even. Grace looks slightly past the school to only see a giant forest behind it. She notices the entire town is surrounded by this forest. She¡¯s only been here for two weeks, but Grace has already completed her research. Darkwood, Washington, the cursed town. It¡¯s almost always engulfed in heavy clouds. When it¡¯s not, it¡¯s burdened by heavy droughts. This is how it¡¯s always been.


    The kids in this town simply walk past Grace without even noticing her. Everyone here has known each other since childhood, those who have not are just unfortunate to move to Darkwood. Grace gulps down her nervousness and takes a step forward but she¡¯s immediately pushed a bit by a much taller and prettier girl than her. This girl rushes into front doors and stops as soon as she enters. ¡°Morning, Elizabeth,¡± one of her teachers greets her as he passes by. Elizabeth fakes a smile and heads to her locker.


    Grace takes a deep breath and heads inside. The school seems bigger on the inside than it looks on the outside. To her immediate left is the front office and her right is the front commons that lead the halls that go to class and the staircase that leads to the next floor. Grace spends a second to look at the map she was given and sees where her first class is and then her locker.


    By her locker are the boy''s bathroom and a class right across. She notices the cliques around her. There are just the jocks and popular girls besides her. Grace spots the blonde girl that bumped into her talking to two of her friends as one of the jock guys approaches them.


    Elizabeth doesn¡¯t like any of the people she¡¯s talking to anymore. She simply puts on a fake smile and carries any conversation she¡¯s given very lightly. Class starts and she heads to class, grabbing the very back corner seat in class so she can look out the window. Elizabeth likes to look at the gloomy sky and waits for it to rain just so she can have something else to hate. She does this in her second class, then her third. During fourth, her usual seat is taken by her new friend she made over the Summer so she sits in front of him.


    ¡°Morning, Ellie,¡± Andrew greets her. ¡°Throwing a fucking rager at the house tonight. Thought it would be a good way to start our last shitty year, no?¡±


    ¡°It¡¯s Tuesday, Drew,¡± she answers in monotone.


    ¡°Hasn¡¯t stopped us before.¡±


    ¡°I¡¯m not going.¡±


    ¡°Oh?¡± Andrew laughs. Elizabeth hates this laugh. ¡°The Queen isn¡¯t attending? I¡¯m offended.¡±


    ¡°Whatever,¡± she says and leaves it at that.


    Elizabeth heads straight to the cafeteria and is the first one to sit in her old clique¡¯s table. She rather prefers to sit with her new friends she made over the summer but she has appearances to keep. It¡¯s something she knows isn¡¯t important but is rather forced to. She stares at her ex-boyfriend as he walks in and sits on his table. Then all of her new friends come in and sit next to him. Summer was just a temporary thing, she isn¡¯t really friends with them, Elizabeth thinks.


    Grace enters the cafeteria for lunch and wonders where she could sit, but no seat is open. She notices the far end of the cafeteria has a glass door that leads to a courtyard where more people head for lunch. This is where she spends the rest of her lunch, alone without anyone to talk to just like the rest of the day.


    Elizabeth¡¯s friends show up and immediately start on the latest gossip. Today¡¯s hot topic is how Lucas is now hooking up with that goth girl, Sara. This is shared between the five people sitting around the table, excluding Elizabeth because she isn¡¯t talking. The topic switches over to Andrew¡¯s party. ¡°Where is it at?¡± Elizabeth¡¯s ex-best friend, Megan, asks.


    ¡°It¡¯s in this abandoned house Andrew found a few days ago. It¡¯s kinda small but on the other side of town on 12th so no cops. It¡¯s perfect,¡± Carlos answers. ¡°Sucks that Jana is gonna miss it.¡±


    ¡°Where is she?¡± one of the girls asks, ¡°Well whatever. I just hope it''s as good as the last few, those were dope.¡±


    ¡°Yeah, because you got total shitfaced and fucked Andrew,¡± Megan responds making everyone except Elizabeth laugh. ¡°I invited this freshman to come, she¡¯s cute.¡±


    ¡°Ew a freshman?¡±


    ¡°Yeah, found her at gym class. She¡¯s new here we can totally fuck with her.¡±


    Elizabeth stops paying attention and looks over to her ex¡¯s table. He¡¯s staring at her so she looks away. She hates the way he looks at her, it¡¯s intoxicating. Still, she had a great time with him over the summer. If only things wouldn¡¯t have gotten so chaotic. Elizabeth starts to feel sick.


    The sickness grows even bigger as lunch ends and she¡¯s forced to head to the bathroom to throw up. Elizabeth only ends up dry heaving as she hasn¡¯t eaten anything in the past few days. But this catches the attention of one of the girls in the bathroom who opens the stall and asks, ¡°Are you okay?¡±


    Elizabeth looks over and spots the girl¡¯s lanyard first that carries her school ID. Her name is Grace Ciotta, she¡¯s the girl she accidentally bumped into before school started. She¡¯s a freshman but looks like she still belongs in Middle School. Elizabeth notices Grace¡¯s big eyes that are amplified because she wears thick oval glasses. Her medium length blonde hair ins unkempt and Grace wears braces. She¡¯s a complete dork and Elizabeth can''t help but feel sorry for her. This town will eat her alive.


    Grace is pushed back when Elizabeth just scoffs at her and leaves the bathroom. She¡¯s confused but relieved that she didn¡¯t say anything mean to her. Grace thinks that maybe High School is the place where the can finally escape all the teasing and bullying she been getting all her life.


    She finishes up school without any problems but she failed to even make a single friend. Still, it¡¯s the first day and so Grace isn¡¯t worried. Hell, she even got invited to a party by that really popular girl during Gym. Of course, she doesn¡¯t tell her mother any of this, not that it would matter as her mom wouldn¡¯t get home until after midnight. She spends the next few hours getting ready and figuring out where this abandoned house was using Google Maps.


    Elizabeth stares at her ceiling while she lays in bed. Her phone has been constantly been vibrating due to her fake friends trying to contact her. They¡¯re all trying to get her to hitch a ride with them so they can improve their social standing. Elizabeth knows this which is why she agreed to go with her friend Emily. She isn¡¯t concerned about any of that and just wants to have a good time.


    A car honks outside, signaling to Elizabeth that Emily is here. The Queen of Mickle Ray High School jumps out of bed and runs downstairs to meet her friends. Inside the car are Emily, Sara, and Chris. ¡°Where¡¯s Cody?¡± Elizabeth asks getting in the back seat next to Chris. She¡¯s surprised her ex-boyfriend isn¡¯t with Emily, the two are usually never seen separated. It¡¯s part of the reason they broke up in the first place.


    ¡°He¡¯s already there,¡± Emily answer while adjusting her hair using the rearview mirrors.


    ¡°Chris, got any coke? Sara?¡±


    ¡°Did some before coming, sorry,¡± Sara answers.


    Chris doesn¡¯t say anything and pulls out a small baggie containing the drug out of his big green parka. He always wears this and is never seen with anything else. He gets called homeless because of this, but it never bothers him.


    ¡°Thanks, Chris.¡± Elizabeth pulls a block paperweight out of her purse that she uses for occasions like this. She lines up the powder and snorts it up.


    This is how it is now. This is how it is in this town.


    Elizabeth takes a deep breath and thinks of the first time she bought drugs. It was with Andrew who introduced her to a tall and slim black man in a suit named Acid. They were just outside the Seattle skatepark. Elizabeth extended her hand, ¡°Hi, I¡¯m Elizabeth.¡± Both Andrew and the man look at the hand. Andrew smirked, the man said, ¡°How much.¡±Taken from Royal Road, this narrative should be reported if found on Amazon.


    ¡°Oh, u-um, a hundred?¡± she says nervously as she pulls out the cash.


    The man slaps her hand away as Andrew rolls his eyes. ¡°Fuck, pull that shit away.¡±


    ¡°Let¡¯s walk,¡± Andrew tells her as the two turns around. That was her first drug deal.


    Now she gets her drugs from Andrew or Chris who usually doesn¡¯t charge her. The girl thinks about how out of control it got over the summer and how tired she is. She rests her head on the side windows and looks out into the darkness. It¡¯s nothing but trees as they loop around the forest into the other side of the town.


    Emily and Sara aren¡¯t paying attention to Elizabeth. They¡¯re talking about Lucas and how Sara is forced to be with him to put up her charade. Elizabeth decides to amplify her high but doing a bit of the molly she has in her purse. She hasn¡¯t ever mixed the two and wonders how great it¡¯ll feel. Chris watches her and says nothing. The coked-up girl almost gags, she hates the taste of both of the drugs she¡¯s doing.


    Grace Ciotta lies to her mom over the phone and tells her she¡¯s going over to the house of a new friend she¡¯s made. Having no way to get to the abandoned house, she hops on her bike and drives off.


    Elizabeth is the first inside and greets everyone she has to. She ignores Cody. She still doesn¡¯t want to speak to him after what happened a week before. She¡¯s known Cody her entire life. They¡¯ve gone to elementary school together but never really talked until Middle where they first dated. He was her first, she was his, but their past didn¡¯t stop them from becoming friends and then dating again after drifting apart. Cody is always so intense, but collective. It makes her feel good; protected.


    Elizabeth begins the night with a line of blow again; cocaine, snow-white, yeyo, Lois Lane. At this point, she¡¯s on top of her world. She starts drinking, talking, flirting and talking smack to those she doesn¡¯t like. She¡¯s allowed to because everyone wants her to talk to them.


    Chris gives her a tab of E. Andrew gives her another line of blow. Cody sees this and tries to stop her but Elizabeth blows him off. This all the while she¡¯s drinking a glass of Fireball with no chaser.


    Her vision becomes hazy, then blurry. Elizabeth thinks she spots Lyle, the man who ruined her life and follows him. She finds herself outside and calls out his name. The man doesn¡¯t turn around right away but when he does, she sees it isn¡¯t him. Megan comes to her aid but Elizabeth remembers Megan is the fakest of snakes and blows her off.


    She doesn¡¯t know how much time has passed.


    Grace arrives and nervously enters the house after finding a place to hide her bike. The first thing she notices is the lack of furniture and then electricity. The music is playing from a huge speaker that she heard from yards away. The house is lit but LED lanterns throughout the house. There¡¯s foldable tables everywhere and hundreds of drinks on top of them. She rushes over to one to grab her first drink, her very first alcoholic drink.


    Megan walks in frustrated that Elizabeth blew her off outside and spots the small girl she invited. She walks up to her and says, ¡°You came!¡±


    A group consisting of Cody, Emily, Chris, Andrew, Sara, and Elizabeth find themselves together in the backyard of the house along with a few others. There¡¯s a couch surrounding a table where all the liquor is being held and an LED lantern in the middle. Emily and Sara are talking to each other, seeing that they¡¯re best friends since Sara¡¯s Freshman year. Andrew interrupts them, sitting between the two on the couch. He gives them the idea to take shots, increasing the amount by each person.


    Already faded, everyone agrees with laughs while Andrew goes inside to get all the shot glasses he has. Cody stares at Elizabeth, watching how she rolls her eyes towards the sky. He knows she too far gone now and there isn''t a thing he can do about it. He then looks at Emily, his childhood friend since they were born. She smiles at him but quickly looks away to rejoin her conversation with Sara. Emily feels the situation to be a bit awkward over a promise that happened a week ago between the two.


    Andrew comes back and lies out the shot glasses in the order of where everyone¡¯s sitting. He gives Cody only one, Chris two, Emily three, Himself four, his sister Sara five, and Elizabeth six. He pours everyone blueberry tequila and when he finishes, Cody starts the chain of drinking.


    ¡°Fuckin¡¯ Hell, mates,¡± He laughs with a grin on his face.


    ¡°Not very strong but delicious,¡± Emily comments.


    Chris has been observing the whole time. It¡¯s his favorite pastime. He glances over at Cody who¡¯s been unusually quiet lately and catches him looking at Elizabeth. She just finished the final shot and starts to laugh.


    Chris is the most mysterious one of them all. His parents are always out of town. He has the worst fashion sense than the kid who collects pet rocks and always looks like he¡¯s drugged up. Yet he¡¯s the smartest out of all of them but often goes on tangents nobody but Andrew understands.


    ¡°Jesus, Ellie, want to slow down?¡± Sara says.


    Chris notices that Andrew and Sara both share the same little mole on their left Eyelids. This is the only thing they share that might make people think they¡¯re twins. Nothing about the two would give that away.


    ¡°Shit, we didn¡¯t record it,¡± Sara adds.


    ¡°We¡¯ll do it again someday,¡± Emily says. ¡°Chris, you good?¡±


    ¡°Huh? Yeah, yeah.¡±


    Sara feels her phone vibrate and checks it out with blur vision. A couple of texts from Lucas that she couldn¡¯t care less. Emily looks over and read them and tells her to cheer up. Sara fakes a smile feeling exhausted now, wanting the party to be done so she can go to bed.


    Andrew gets up from his seat and extends his hand over to Emily. ¡°Let''s go somewhere private so we can have fun, yeah?¡±


    It grabs Cody¡¯s attention but before he can speak, Emily does his job for him, ¡°Uh, no thanks.¡±


    ¡°Yeah, whatever,¡± Andrew says knowing that Emily never minds what he does. He breaks into her house all the time when he¡¯s invited over just because Emily expects him too. That¡¯s how she¡¯s always known him ever since he started to be friends with Cody. Andrew thinks about it as he walks back inside to talk to some girls from another school.


    ¡°Fuck him, Ems,¡± Sara tells her. ¡°He¡¯s such an asshole.¡± She gets out a cigarette and debates if she wants to smoke or not.


    ¡°Sara, that¡¯s gross, don¡¯t smoke,¡± Emily tells her as she feels the effects of the tequila to set in. She smiles when she sees Sara throwing it away. The two have been besties for two years now, but only now Sara has been listening to Emily. ¡°Chris, give me a line,¡±


    Chris pulls out a bag from his green parka jacket and tosses it over to Emily. ¡°It¡¯s the last I have,¡± he says.


    ¡°Cody, want some?¡±


    ¡°Ems,¡± Cody speaks up wanting to stop her but knows he has no right to. ¡°You know I don¡¯t do that stuff.¡±


    ¡°Pussy,¡± Sara jokes.


    Elizabeth starts to pay more attention to her friends. They¡¯re all having a good time while she¡¯s sitting there, suffering. It¡¯s been an awful summer and now she has to deal with everything that comes after.


    There¡¯s something about the future that¡¯s frightening. She watched it all come down at a brush fire earlier in June. That month was especially dry. She watched a brush burn down alongside Cody and thought there was nothing prettier. Cody told her that the smell was sweet to him. Elizabeth only found the smell to be deceitful. Eventually, the brush fire was put out hours later with a little help from the rain. The smell after, however, that was something Elizabeth fell in love with.


    She gets up from her seat and stumbles her way to the door to lead her inside. ¡°Ellie, you okay?¡± Emily asks her but Elizabeth only hears the words drowned in bubbles.


    Andrew catches her as she falls opening the door. ¡°Yo fuckin¡¯ watch it.¡±


    Ellie looks around and finds herself uncomfortable with the couple of eyes staring. Cody comes from behind her and asks, ¡°You want to go home?¡±


    She shakes her head, ¡°No, I¡¯m fine. I just need to drink some water.¡±


    She thinks about the last time she digested what she ate. It was a couple of days ago with the leftovers she had made a day before. It would be a good idea to get some disgusting food in her but realizes that it¡¯s pointless now. After a couple of water glasses, she heads back outside and finds her friends laughing together.


    Emily and Cody are sitting together now, she doesn¡¯t like that. It only reminds her that in the end, it¡¯ll never be enough. Nothing will ever be enough. She looks at Sara and only sees a train wreck, like herself.


    At that point, Elizabeth remembers she still has her purse in her hand and the gift she got from Lyle. It¡¯s thanks to Andrew that she got to meet him.


    Chris is the only one to notice her. It reminds her that Chris is the only person sane enough and smart enough to do whatever he wants. He might be the weird kid that does every drug but underneath she knows how brilliant he is. She wonders if he can see through her facade tonight. He probably has, and it makes Elizabeth wonder even more why he hasn¡¯t said anything.


    Chris just knows not to interfere with people¡¯s decisions.


    Elizabeth takes a random pill laying on the table and another shot of the tequila before turning around and heading back inside. She¡¯s stopped when a little girl bumps on to her. This is where Elizabeth blacks everything out.


    -


    Elizabeth finds herself alone in the woods. It¡¯s impossible to see at night. It¡¯s past 2 AM and she only carries her purse. Her shirt is covered with throw up and wonders how that happened.


    Yeah, that¡¯s what I was doing, she thinks. Elizabeth barely recalls herself running away from the party after getting barfed on. Her friend Connor tried to stop her but it was too late; everyone was already laughing and she was just trying to getaway.


    She hears her name being called out by her friends. They¡¯re looking for her, but it¡¯s too late. Disoriented, Elizabeth pulls out the only thing inside her purse.


    ¡°Hey, I¡¯m sorry,¡± Elizabeth hears from behind.


    It¡¯s the little freshman girl from the bathroom, Grace Ciotta. She¡¯s drunk and her lips have a few chunks of food on them.


    ¡°Sorry I threw up on you. I really didn¡¯t mean it.¡±


    Elizabeth smiles, ¡°Don¡¯t be,¡± she says before pointing the gun on herself and doesn¡¯t hesitate to pull the trigger.


    Grace screams.

 Chapter 1: Sun Space

    Grace


    September 10th, 2012


    Sometimes it feels like it just doesn¡¯t stop raining. It¡¯s been a week and a half since the incident and only now I¡¯ve been allowed to go back to school. It¡¯s not like I want to anyway. Mom says that I had enough time off but I don¡¯t think so. Therapy has helped but I still dream about it every night. It always ends the same way and I always wake up the same way; in cold sweat. Today isn¡¯t any different.


    They call Darkwood the cursed town of the world. It¡¯s a town shadowed by rain clouds more often than not. From what I read online it¡¯s a small town but big enough that there¡¯s everything inside a typical suburban town would have. It¡¯s miles east of Seattle and isolated enough to be hidden from the rest of the world. Most of the town is towards the west and to the east is a great forest that the rest of the town surrounds. It¡¯s a unique town, being more circular than anything with this forest in the middle. The poor live directly south of it, the rich into the east and the middle class in the north, where I live, where Mom decided to move to.


    The high school hugs the forest¡¯s west entrance and I¡¯m standing in front of it one more time. The weather is gloomy again and it makes the forest even more intimidating. It¡¯s a stark contrast to sunny California and I miss it. As I take my first steps inside again, I see the same sights I saw before. People all hang out in their groups in their spots. By the entrance of the school is the main office where I see the drama kids again. The jocks and cheerleaders hang out close by them. My locker is near them and I only pray they don¡¯t notice me.


    The school doesn¡¯t seem any different but I notice the memorial for Elizabeth when a few students move away from it. She was so loved. The memorial is covered with letters and flowers. Elizabeth was the most popular girl in school and now she¡¯s gone. I gag when I remember the gunshot, the smell of gunpowder and the taste of the blood. The ringing in my ear comes back and I rush to the bathroom to hurl. I hate this.


    Why did she have to do it?


    Why was I there?


    The stall is forced opened and I jump back, startled. I hit the body of someone. It¡¯s Megan, the girl who invited me, the girl who made me drink so much. ¡°What the **** are you doing back?¡± She pushes me down and forces me to sit on the toilet. There¡¯s a blonde hair girl behind her recording this.


    ¡°Um,¡± is all I manage to say.


    ¡°It¡¯s all your fault, y¡¯ know? You shouldn¡¯t have been there! It should have been you!¡± Megan kicks me in the chest and I hear a bop! My head hit the wall. The pain comes right after and I feel the salt in my eyes. It¡¯s middle school all over again.


    ¡°It wasn¡¯t my fault!¡± my voice cracks. I want to cry, I want to leave. I didn¡¯t want any of this.


    ¡°Whatever,¡± Megan scoffs. She kicks me in the stomach and leaves, leaving me to wince in pain. The sound of the bell covers my crying for the second I break down. I thought high school was the place where I can reinvent myself. Turns out that everyone knows that Elizabeth shot herself in front of me so everyone is avoiding me. It¡¯s only my second day and I¡¯m reliving middle school. It¡¯s not fair.


    I run straight to the Dean¡¯s office. Mr. Scrote is his name based on the name of the door. I frantically tell him what happened. ¡°Megan O¡¯Hare? Don''t be ridiculous, that girl is a saint,¡± he laughs me off. ¡°Everyone here is still mourning, stop spreading lies and get to class.¡±


    He¡¯s serious. I get up flabbergasted and walk out of his office. What is wrong with this school?


    I get to class late and everyone immediately starts to whisper about me. I get nauseous right away and I want to leave but my mom would have my head if I did. I sit down next to a girl who immediately moves her desk slightly away. Great.


    This goes on for the rest of the classes. Everyone avoids me, and when they don¡¯t they push me and laugh at me. They call me, ¡°brain guts,¡± and I can only endure it. I can only repress the memory of that night. Bits and pieces come back and I can remember all the screams around me. The experience sobered me up. Then all the blue and red lights flashing through the forest come through. I wonder how nobody got in trouble, not even I did. My mom never yelled at me about it.


    At lunch I find the cafeteria filling up as I arrive. It¡¯s weird, the atmosphere is different from what I remember it being last. It must be mourning. I find a round table in the corner empty, away from everyone. This is where I sit. I keep my head down in hopes that I¡¯m not disturbed. It doesn¡¯t work as a fluff of red hair sits in front of me. I look up and see one of the girls who were at the party. She¡¯s pretty, really pretty. ¡°Hey-a!¡± She says before I can look at her more. My first thought is that she¡¯s going to tease me. ¡°You¡¯re in algebra class during 8th. What¡¯s a freshman doing there?¡±


    She¡¯s right, I¡¯m the only freshman in that senior class. ¡°I uh, took high school math classes in middle school,¡± I reply faintly.


    ¡°I didn¡¯t even know you could do that, wow, cool,¡± she giggles and extends her hand out for a handshake. ¡°My name is Emily.¡± I take her hand and shake it but I don''t tell her my name. Maybe she doesn¡¯t know who I am. ¡°You are?¡± Emily asks as she looks at my ID on my lanyard. I look at hers as well. Emily Crowe, a Senior.


    ¡°Grace.¡±


    ¡°Gracie, what a pretty name,¡± she smiles. ¡°Let me be the first to introduce you to this awful school.¡±


    ¡°What do you mean?¡±


    Emily takes a look around, giving me a chance to examine how long and fluffy her crimson red hair is. She wears a white sweater and light blue jeans and I notice a black and red bandana wrapped around her wrist. Emily looks back at me, ¡°Nobody here cares. Everyone here is out for themselves so don¡¯t worry about the kids that are being mean. I¡¯ve noticed the way they were looking at you. I¡¯m sorry for what happened.¡±


    Great, she knows. ¡°Oh, um, it¡¯s okay.¡±


    ¡°It¡¯s not,¡± Emily frowns. ¡°You¡¯re new here and nobody wants to be your friend for something that was out of your control. It¡¯s s****y, but that isn¡¯t gonna stop me from being your friend.¡±


    ¡°Huh?¡±


    Emily smiles, ¡°Consider me your first friend.¡± She turns to her side and points to the table closest to the cafeteria entrance. There¡¯s a group of people sitting there and laughing. I assume these are her friends. I first notice the girl dressed in goth, the guy in a green parka, a mean-looking blond hair guy and a skinny black kid. ¡°Whenever you feel comfortable, feel free to stop by and sit with us.¡±


    ¡°Okay,¡± I say weakly again.


    Emily giggles and gets up from her seat. ¡°It was nice meeting you, Gracie. I¡¯ll see you around.¡± And just like that my first friend walks away to join her table.


    She¡¯s an odd one. Emily was too friendly to me or maybe just friendly enough. I don¡¯t know, I can¡¯t tell. This whole day has been a mess and it¡¯s all I can dwell on for the rest of the period. I keep wondering about Emily¡¯s intentions. There has to be an ulterior motive for saying hi to me. Why would she be friends with me? I¡¯m ugly, I don¡¯t know how to do my makeup, I have thick glasses, braces and I spend all my time playing video games. Emily is pretty and popular. I didn¡¯t even have any friends in middle school.


    The school days pass and for some reason, nobody tries to avoid me. They still don¡¯t talk to me but nobody is disgusted by my presence. Then my last class of the day comes, algebra. Emily says hi to me when she walks in and sits across the room from me. The seats are divided to be on both sides of the room with the teacher lecturing in the middle. I sit in the far back and Emily sits in the front across me.


    A boy with shaggy brown hair comes in and sits next to Emily. She seems pleasantly surprised by his arrival. She calls him Cody from what I hear. He wasn¡¯t at the lunch table earlier. Our eyes meet for a brief moment and I feel a wave of intensity coming from his eyes. His glare makes me turn away in fear. I look again for a moment but Cody¡¯s attention is towards Emily.Ensure your favorite authors get the support they deserve. Read this novel on the original website.


    Class ends and Cody is the first one to leave. Emily is physically annoyed by this. She stops me before I can leave class, ¡°Gracie, wait up!¡±


    ¡°Yeah?¡±


    ¡°What are you doing after school?¡±


    ¡°I¡¯m going home, why?¡±


    ¡°Want to go to my place and hang out? It¡¯ll be a good place to meet some people, whaddya say?¡±


    My mom would have told me to go for it if it wasn¡¯t that I betrayed her trust by going to the party. If I ask her I¡¯m sure she would say no. Luckily Mom is a nurse that works her butt off to keep us float so she won¡¯t be home until late. That¡¯s how it is most nights. ¡°Sure, I just have to be home by nine.¡± I figure if I could ever get the answer to why Elizabeth died, maybe I can understand why it had to be in front of me.


    I need to find out why.


    ¡°Not a problem!¡± She smiles, ¡°C¡¯ mon we gotta meet with my friend Sara.¡±


    I follow Emily to the upper floor of the school which I haven¡¯t visited yet since I don¡¯t have a class up there. It¡¯s much spacious up here although I don¡¯t have time to look at the details. We stop by the locker of the goth girl that was sitting by the cafeteria table. She dresses so dark and has blue streaks in her hair. Sara is the complete opposite of Emily. ¡°Hey, Ems,¡± Sara says closing her locker. ¡°She Gracie?¡± she asks as she eyes me up and down.


    ¡°Yeah. She¡¯ll be joining us today.¡±


    ¡°Cool, I¡¯m Sara,¡± she waves. ¡°Hope you like us,¡± Sara laughs.


    ¡°Nice to meet you.¡±


    I follow the two girls into a hallway that leads to the commons where all the seniors hang out. This is where the student parking lot exit is as well. I can see the entire forest in this area. Emily ignores everything as she takes me to her Red Honda.


    ¡°Did you hear that Alyssa hooked up with Carlos? Emily says to Sara when we get into the car.


    ¡°What?! No way! What happened?¡±


    ¡°They were hanging out at the campsite when things got hot, if you know what I mean,¡± Emily giggles. ¡°Who would have thought? I wonder if your brother is mad Carlos got to her before he did.¡±


    Sara laughs, ¡°Andrew wouldn¡¯t care.¡±


    This is high school gossip. It¡¯s exactly the kind I expected from all the movies I watched to prepare for High School. I don¡¯t have anything to say so I just listen to whatever the two have to say. They talk about the ridiculousness of the actions some of the girls are taking to be the new Queen Bee. Now that Elizabeth is gone there is a huge power struggle going on. Sara counters that nobody cares about that stuff anymore since Elizabeth died.


    ¡°It¡¯s a front for their own selfish desires,¡± Emily answers.


    Emily takes us to the northern part of town near where I live. She lives in a street that is hugged directly by the forest. ¡°So what''s inside the forest?¡± I ask.


    Sara shakes her head, ¡°besides a campsite on the far east, nothing.¡±


    ¡°There¡¯s the treehouse,¡± Emily says quietly.


    ¡°Really, nothing?¡±


    ¡°Yeah, it¡¯s really easy to get lost in there so nobody goes in. I think people explore a little to do drugs and **** but nobody goes that deep inside,¡± Sara clarifies a bit more.


    ¡°So where does everybody hang out?¡±


    ¡°You¡¯ll always see someone from school at the Diner at the entrance to the town. There¡¯s Darkwood hill, we go up there sometimes. Mostly everyone hangs out at the campsite inside the forest. It¡¯s far away from everything that nobody bothers us there. Other than that everyone¡¯s always at someone¡¯s house. I mean, that¡¯s what we¡¯re doing now.¡±


    Emily pulls into her driveway without me realizing we¡¯re already here. Her house looks as if it might have three stories but I¡¯m not sure. The inside is even prettier than mine. It¡¯s all nicely decorated, Victorian style. Her parents must have a real taste for style. As I look around, I don¡¯t see any pictures of Emily¡¯s mother. Just of her father and who I assume an older sister who looks just like her. Sara goes to the kitchen and Emily tells me to follow her to her room on the second floor.


    ¡°What the ****, Andrew!¡± Emily shouts when she opens the door to her room. ¡°What are you doing here?!¡±


    I walk behind Emily to see what she¡¯s shouting about. ¡°Ah, Emily sweetheart, let¡¯s get this orgy started, yeah?¡± Andrew says with a bottle of what I think is alcohol sitting in a giant red bean bag chair in front of the bed.


    ¡°Get the **** out!¡± Emily shouts. ¡°You pull this **** every time,¡± Emily almost laughs. She isn¡¯t mad at all even though she yelled. It¡¯s as she already expected this.


    ¡°Alright, alright,¡± Andrew says standing up and then he looks at me. ¡°Who¡¯s the 12-year-old?¡±


    Emily sighs. ¡°This is Gracie, she¡¯s new to our school.¡±


    Andrew shifts his eyes down to feet and slowly travels his way up. He has familiar eyes. They look like Sara¡¯s. This must be her brother that she was talking about in the car. My stomach tightens. ¡°She¡¯s that girl that got all of Elizabeth¡¯s brain all over her, is it?¡± he says.


    ¡°Andrew!¡± Emily shouts. This time there was real anger behind them. She¡¯s sticking up for me even though she doesn¡¯t know anything about me.


    Andrew¡¯s words bother me but not as much as I thought they would. I remember back to that night. Andrew was the one who took charge of the situation and was the one who dealt with the police. I don¡¯t think the police ever found the party as he shut the thing down in an instant and told them it was an outdoor party. It¡¯s probably because of that, that I¡¯m not in trouble.


    ¡°Is Chris and Cody not coming?¡± Andrew asks.


    ¡°No, Chris is with your dealer and Cody is doing whatever,¡±


    Sara comes up from behind us with a few glasses and a bottle of vodka. ¡°Oh shit, Sara, you¡¯re here too.¡±


    ¡°Fuck off, Andrew,¡± Sara laughs.


    Andrew laughs and Sara closes the door behind us. ¡°Right then, anyone wants to get high now?¡± he says holding up the bag. There¡¯s some green stuff inside but I don¡¯t know what it is.


    Emily walks up to him grabbing the bag. ¡°At least you made yourself useful.¡±


    We sit on the floor of Emily''s room while she takes out a blue and pink glass pipe looking thing. Andrew laughs for some reason while taking the green stuff out of the bag. ¡°You have the gayest pipes, Emily.¡±


    ¡°Um, what¡¯s that?¡± I open my mouth for the first time.


    Sara is the only one who doesn¡¯t stare at me. ¡°Jesus, Emily, where do you find this girl? How old are you, Grace?¡±


    ¡°Uh, 14?¡±


    Andrew packs the green stuff into the pipe and Emily and Sara laugh. ¡°Right, well since you¡¯ve been living under a goddamn rock for 14 years,¡± he raises the pipe so I can see it clearly. ¡°This is called marijuana, it gets you high and you smoke it like this, yeah?¡± Andrew gets out a lighter and lights the weed and proceeds to smoke it.


    This is the first time I ever have seen marijuana. I can smell it almost immediately. It smiles like pines but at the same time, it doesn¡¯t. It¡¯s a really strong smell and almost citrusy. I don¡¯t want to be here anymore. Weed is illegal.


    Andrew passes it to Sara, who inhales it for like¡­twenty second straight and she passes it down to Emily. Emily and Sara exhale at the same time and then it gets passed down to me.


    I shake my head and scoot myself back.


    ¡°What¡¯s wrong?¡± Andrew asks. ¡°You don¡¯t want to try?¡±


    I shake my head again.


    ¡°******* a¡¯ man, where did you find this virgin *** girl, Ems?!¡±


    ¡°Andrew, be nice!¡± Emily sticks up for me again.


    ¡°Why did you bring Ellie¡¯s brain guts here?¡± He says opening his bottle of alcohol and taking a drink. Those words bother me again. It causes me to see the quick flash of red and the taste of iron when it happened.


    ¡°Andrew, how many times did I tell you not to drink and smoke?¡± Sara complains.


    Andrew smiles and says, ¡°Stop acting like my moms, Sis.¡±


    Emily is staring at me and smiling. ¡°You¡¯re really innocent, aren¡¯t you Gracie?¡± She says.


    ¡°Um, I guess.¡±


    ¡°You haven¡¯t done anything, huh?¡± She asks again. ¡°Y¡¯know that¡¯s special in this town. Going to that party must have been the craziest thing you¡¯ve done in your life.¡± Emily waits for my response but I can only nod. She¡¯s right, however. I thought nothing would make me cooler than going to a party a Senior invited me too.


    ¡°How come you¡¯ve never done anything, Grace?¡± Emily asks me.


    ¡°I don¡¯t know. I just¡­sometimes get scared. I¡¯m shy.¡±


    ¡°We call tell,¡± Andrew says smoking more. ¡°You¡¯re a virgin yeah? Why not lose it now¡­with me?¡±


    Sara punches him in the chest for me. ¡°Don¡¯t be a pig, I¡¯m sure Grace has better standards.¡±


    ¡°Wow, I¡¯m hurt,¡± he says taking a drink.


    I giggle.


    ¡°She laughs, she isn¡¯t a robot. That¡¯s good!¡± Sara laughs.


    ¡°So¡­what do you say, Grace? First time for everything, right Virgin girl?¡± Andrew asks again.


    I smile and shake my head. ¡°No, I think I¡¯ll wait until the right person comes along.¡±


    ¡°Aw **** that, that¡¯s just fairytale bullshit.¡±


    ¡°Don¡¯t judge her Andrew; at least she¡¯s better than all those damn freshmen sluts walking around. Don¡¯t worry, Grace, I was the same your age too,¡± Emily says.


    I laugh.


    These are pretty cool people. I don¡¯t mind that they are all weird from what I¡¯ve seen, they¡¯re nice people. I can tell even Andrew¡¯s a nice person despite what he has shown me. He¡¯s just acting tough.


    Emily takes me home an hour later. Mom isn¡¯t home yet which is amazing. I smell too much like weed even though I didn¡¯t smoke any.


    In bed, I think about the day and Emily¡¯s kindness. She¡¯s serious about being my friend so maybe I don¡¯t have to be all alone again. I can honestly say I¡¯m excited about school tomorrow. I at least know three people enough to call them by their names.


    Maybe they¡¯ll let me sit with them at lunch.


    Despite all that, the only thing that creeps in my mind is the intensity that Cody¡¯s eyes brought when we first locked eyes in class. I couldn¡¯t keep my eyes away from him, always occasionally glancing over to him.


    These thoughts make me feel something I have never felt before. My chest feels like it¡¯s being stepped on.

 Chapter 2: Diva of the Dead

    Emily


    September 19th, 2012


    Eternal friendship is something we can never predict. We cannot see it. We cannot break it, but we can test it. I think that¡¯s what going on right now, with Cody and me. This is what I think about while I lay in my bed wondering where it all went wrong. Elizabeth¡¯s suicide, the investigation, the rumors, everything. Nothing¡¯s been the same since that night.


    I can still remember the horror and shock. I remember the look in Cody¡¯s face when he came back from chasing her. He was one of the last and we all thought her death was a joke but when I saw his face, I knew. We didn¡¯t go home that night, instead, we spent it together in the treehouse we¡¯ve had since we were little. Cody never said a word.


    Now he hardly says anything to me.


    I close my eyes and wait for my alarm to tell me it¡¯s time to get up.


    I get up and groan at the sight of my room. It¡¯s been the base of our hangouts throughout the month since no one is throwing any parties anymore. I say that I¡¯m complaining when it¡¯s my fault. I keep doing it here in hopes of Cody showing up. He never does. I¡¯m just glad my dad never goes in here not that I ever see him anyways.


    The sky is a darker shade of sadness today. The drive to school makes it even worse. I just pass the nothing and emptiness this town brings. Elizabeth always talked about how much she hated Darkwood. Now that she¡¯s gone I can see where she¡¯s coming from. This town is cursed just like the legend says.


    Chris Larsen is standing in the middle of the school¡¯s parking lot staring at the sky. I¡¯m guessing LSD is the choice of drug today. ¡°Hey, Chris!¡± I welcome him as I walk by him. He ignores me as usual and continues on my way. Sara is waiting for me on one of the concrete block seats near the entrance of the school. ¡°Morning, hoe.¡±


    Sara giggles and puts the phone she¡¯s been playing within her pocket then look up. She moves her black and blue hair out of her face, ¡°Lucas is really pressing me to hang out with him more,¡± she sighs.


    ¡°Remind me, why are you torturing yourself again?¡±


    Sara gets up and adjusts her long black sleeves to cover over her hands. ¡°You know why.¡±


    ¡°Right, because it¡¯s 2012 and it¡¯s still wrong to be gay.¡±


    ¡°Ems!¡±


    She¡¯s right. The situation is complicated. Regardless, Sara is my best friend and I have to stick with her. We always walk to class together but before that, we hang out at the top of the stairs on the second floor. We¡¯ve been here since sophomore year when our group solidified. Before that it was just Cody, Chris and I. Now it¡¯s usually just Andrew and Chris that stop by.


    ¡°Y¡¯know, Gracie is too innocent to be hanging out with us. I don¡¯t know why you keep inviting her to stuff,¡± Sara says leaning on the stair rail.


    ¡°And leave her to be devoured by the wolves?¡±


    ¡°Kind of hard to avoid them.¡±


    Grace asked why I invited her to be my friend a couple of days ago. What I told Sara is what I told her. Grace didn¡¯t understand. ¡°Simply put you won¡¯t survive alone.¡±


    I think I was lying. I think that I still am. If left alone, Grace will be corrupted like everyone else in Darkwood. But that won¡¯t stop it, the corruption is inevitable. Not even Elizabeth could run from it. The least I can do is lessen the corruption. It¡¯s the least I could after I let Elizabeth go too far into the deep.


    Grace sits with us during lunch again. Andrew and Chris are nowhere to be found today. I don¡¯t even expect Cody to show up. Isaac is with us today which he tries to at least once a week. ¡°Should I get contacts?¡± Grace asks.


    ¡°You mean you haven¡¯t thought about it?¡± Sara asks.


    ¡°I don¡¯t like touching my eyes.¡±


    I giggle. ¡°You¡¯re fine the way you are.¡±


    ¡°Well that¡¯s a lie,¡± she laughs. Gracie is a dork and a nerd but she¡¯s alright. Right now she¡¯s just trying to fit in. ¡°Maybe one day my body will actually grow up.¡±


    Grace¡¯s underdeveloped body is what sets her apart from everyone. She thinks just because Elizabeth died in front of her everyone is outcasting her but it¡¯s because nobody believes she goes to this school. They¡¯re uncomfortable with her.


    Andrew suddenly slams his hands on the table. ¡°Big news!¡± He sits down. The guy knows no rest. ¡°Do not believe a word that bitch Megan says.¡±


    ¡°What¡¯s going on?¡± I ask.


    ¡°Bitch is spreading rumors that I got Elizabeth pregnant and that¡¯s the reason why she killed herself in front of the 12-year-old.¡± Andrew doesn¡¯t know when to hold back, he doesn¡¯t ever let his grin fade either. He¡¯s such a dick.


    ¡°Why is she saying that?¡±


    ¡°Megan found out that Ellie was pregnant when she died. That hoe was too scared of a kid,¡± Andrew laughs.


    ¡°Don¡¯t laugh you fucking asshole,¡± Sara punches him.Stolen from its rightful author, this tale is not meant to be on Amazon; report any sightings.


    I know what they¡¯re all thinking but won¡¯t say. Everyone knows Elizabeth cheated on Cody with Andrew. If Andrew didn¡¯t get her pregnant, that it was Cody. This new information brings the heaviness in my chest. I don¡¯t like this feeling because it always brings in an anxiety attack. I try not to focus on it but it never works. If this is true then it explains why Cody is being so distant.


    I text him and hope he will respond this time.


    It¡¯s the opening football game in Darkwood against the nearest town. We all decide to go together and we sit on the top of the bleachers to get the best view of the game. By half time the game has been decided and Andrew leaves to the opposing team¡¯s side. He always does this to hit on the girls over there. Chris doesn¡¯t bother to show up to games as he¡¯s always too deep in his mind to ever enjoy them. It just leaves me with Sara and Grace although I leave them soon after as well.


    Cody decided to show up but doesn¡¯t sit with us. Instead, he just stands in the sidelines so I¡¯m forced to follow him so I can finally talk to him. ¡°Where have you been?¡±


    Cody looks at me. He¡¯s lost his glow in his eyes. I can¡¯t imagine the pain he¡¯s been going through all alone. ¡°Around,¡± he says.


    ¡°Not enough.¡±


    ¡°Sorry.¡±


    ¡°Why have you been avoiding me? I can help you y¡¯ know, I don¡¯t want you to suffer alone.¡±


    Cody looks away to face the game. ¡°I know, I just need some,¡± he pauses to sigh. ¡°Time.¡±


    The game starts again and Cody just stares at it. I just stare at my best friend. I want to ask him the question everyone¡¯s been asking. Cody is the only person that knows the answer. ¡°Cody¡­¡± I stop myself because I don¡¯t want to stress him out.


    I¡¯m still afraid of what happened when Elizabeth and Cody broke up. I still remember his fury when he found out how much she was hiding from all of us. That¡¯s when I truly knew the extent of her corruption. All the drugs, all the secrets, all the sins, and betrayals; I saw it all. Now that I think of it, that¡¯s when he started to become distant.


    ¡°Do you feel guilty that you accidentally hit me?¡±


    The man with a few words closes his eyes and nods slowly. ¡°I don¡¯t want to hurt you, Ems.¡±


    I chuckle, ¡°You didn¡¯t hurt me, it was an accident. It¡¯s no biggie.¡±


    Cody looks at me again. I like it when he does. It reminds me that he¡¯s still my friend, he¡¯s still in my life. That¡¯s all I ever needed. It reminds me that he still intends to keep his promise. ¡°Do you remember when we were growing up and didn¡¯t have all these stupid problems? All we did was play and not worry about tomorrow. I miss those days. Now all I can think about is how my mistakes can affect the future of others.¡±


    ¡°It¡¯s not something you can control.¡±


    ¡°Y¡¯know, everyone keeps asking me if I know why Ellie died. They keep asking me if I got her pregnant and if I pushed her too far. If we pushed her too far.¡±


    ¡°Do you?¡±


    Cody shakes his head. ¡°No. Nobody knows, but it doesn¡¯t matter. It could be Andrew. It could have been Lyle. I don¡¯t know what she was doing those last few weeks.¡±


    Lyle, that¡¯s a new name. I don¡¯t know who that is.


    ¡°I just keep thinking that it¡¯s my fault.¡±


    ¡°What makes you say that?¡± I ask.


    ¡°Think about it.¡±


    I do and nothing comes up. Elizabeth wasn¡¯t the type of person who would do what she did. None of us even knew she had a gun. Where did she get a gun? The more I think about it the more mysterious her death becomes. It was so out of the blue. Her corruption was so quick, she was pure before us. That¡¯s it. ¡°It¡¯s our fault,¡± I answer. ¡°She was Darkwood¡¯s light because we fucked her up.¡±


    The crowd roars. Our team just scored a touchdown. That was fast, I didn¡¯t catch what happened. When I look back, I notice Grace is standing within earshot. Cody looks at her as well but ignores her.


    ¡°You get it now?¡±


    ¡°Are you talking about her?¡± Grace buts in. ¡°I want to know what happened. No, I need to.¡±


    Grace is the most lost out of all of us. She¡¯s just a 14 year old who was traumatized by accident and doesn¡¯t even know why. I feel bad for her, I can¡¯t imagine what it was like.


    ¡°What¡¯s there to know?¡± Cody tells her. ¡°You¡¯ve heard everything just now, didn¡¯t you?


    ¡°Yeah, but I still don¡¯t get it.¡±


    ¡°Elizabeth stood above us all. She didn¡¯t smoke, didn¡¯t do any drugs and the most she did was drink. We made her do all that stuff and she spiraled out of control with it. I think it was too much for her to handle in the end,¡± I tell Grace. She deserves to know.


    ¡°How bad did it get?¡±


    ¡°She chased the greatest high,¡± Cody tells her. He means meth. Cody found her with meth and that¡¯s why he broke up with her. He got so angry he starts to break things in her house and I tried to stop him. That¡¯s when I got hit. ¡°Stray away from us, Grace.¡±


    ¡°How do you know my name?¡±


    ¡°Andrew and Chris told me.¡±


    I drive Grace and Sara home when the game is over. Cody, Chris, and Andrew decided to stay and hang out with themselves. I still don¡¯t quite fully understand how Cody and Andrew are still friends but they make a good pair.


    I get home and my Dad is home for the first time in a while. I think it¡¯s been a few weeks since I have seen him. He¡¯s in the kitchen sobbing his eyes. I¡¯ve never seen him cry so I don¡¯t know what to do. I just stand there like an idiot and it takes like a minute for him to notice.


    Dad stops his tears and wipes them away with his arm. ¡°I got laid off. We¡¯re going to lose the house if I don¡¯t find another job soon.¡±


    He¡¯s always been blunt. It¡¯s the one thing Mom never liked about him. It¡¯s probably why they got divorced in the first place. ¡°Dad, it¡¯s okay¡­¡±


    He shakes his head. ¡°I¡¯m just a failure. Couldn¡¯t keep the job, couldn¡¯t keep your sister from leaving with your mom, couldn¡¯t keep her from leaving.¡±


    Watching him, I don¡¯t know, it breaks me a little. I feel my eyes swell up.


    ¡°I¡¯ll buy you a flight to New York so you can be with them so you won¡¯t have to be homeless.¡±


    ¡°No! I want to stay here. You¡¯ll get another job, we¡¯ll be fine!¡±


    Dad gets up from his seat and stumbles. He¡¯s been drinking. ¡°I¡¯m going to bed. Talk to you mom for me.¡± I watch him leave and a ball starts to form in my chest.


    It¡¯s coming back. I start to panic and pull out my phone. I need Cody to be here. I need to be with him. He¡¯s the only one who can save me. The phone rings, and rings. He¡¯s not gonna pick up. It rings and rings and then...


    ¡°Cody?¡± I ask.


    There isn¡¯t a response and just silence. Then I hear faint car noises on the other line. This is the first time he has answered his phone in three weeks, yet he isn¡¯t saying anything. Why?


    I can hear Chris¡¯s faint voice slightly overpowering the cars. Then I hear Cody speak. ¡°Yeah, hold on,¡± he says faintly. ¡°Emily.¡±


    ¡°Cody¡­hi.¡±


    ¡°Hey, how¡­what¡¯s up, Ems?¡± I can feel him smile. Maybe it¡¯s his tone of voice; his soft, tender and soothing voice that he uses when he smiles.


    ¡°C-can you come over?¡±


    ¡°Is it urgent? Ems, what¡¯s wrong?¡±


    ¡°I need it¡­like now. Just please¡­just come over,¡± I plead with my hands already shaking.


    My eyes are drowsy. My mouth is dry. The world is spinning and is freezing and there¡¯s nothing I can do about it. The pain starts to grow again.


    ¡°Yeah, sure. Don¡¯t worry. It¡¯ll all be alright, Ems. I promise you,¡± Cody spills words of pain in my ear.

 Chapter 3: Drughound

    Sara


    September 20th, 2012


    Sometimes, we know someone who¡¯s so inexplicably perfect. She¡¯s someone who can give, and give, and give until there¡¯s nothing left. But no matter what, for no reason, she¡¯s ripped away from our lives. And there isn¡¯t a thing we can do about it.


    I¡¯ve been told that it always comes back as a ghost. I¡¯ve been told that we can only run. I¡¯ve been told another option is to keep falling. My mother always wanted the best out of us. Now without her, we¡¯re more adrift than ever. And it¡¯s more than that. We¡¯re so fucking lost we don¡¯t even know who we are anymore. Andrew and I, we¡¯re so damn broken nothing can repair us.


    Andrew is fighting with our dad again. I wake up like this every day. It¡¯s hell to get through my morning routine with those to shouting.


    The house is a mess, the lights barely work and the water is always cold. The shouts stop while I stare at my naked body on the dirty bathroom mirror. Disgusting, pathetic and weak.


    No, it¡¯s not good to think about that.


    Andrews slams through the door and takes a half-second look before tossing me a small bag of cocaine. ¡°Put some damn clothes on, Emily is coming in a few minutes,¡± He says slamming the door shut.


    I do a bump¡­and then another. Yeah, this stuff is the best. I don¡¯t know where Andrew gets it, but it¡¯s fucking amazing. Sometimes I wonder if anyone will ever give a shit and arrest him.


    I start to giggle, and everything starts to feel so¡­intense. As I stretch my arms upward, I can feel all the energy rushing through my body.


    ¡°Sara!¡± My piece of shit father screams. All he does all day is sit on the couch all day getting drunk and fucking some random prostitutes while living on our mother¡¯s inheritance. He doesn¡¯t give a shit about anything, especially not me or Andrew. It¡¯s been like that ever since Mom died.


    It¡¯s no wonder why I¡¯m gay and Andrew is turning out like him. We¡¯re probably the most fucked up family in the city.


    Lucas, the guy I¡¯ve been fucking walks out of the bathroom first. It¡¯s really unsatisfying, disgusting even. So much so that I have to throw up every goddamn time after we finish.


    ¡°I¡¯ll see you tomorrow, babes,¡± he winks at me.


    ¡°You should really stop and just come out already,¡± Emily says. She has been standing next to the bathroom door the entire time. I know she knows what¡¯s best and loves me to death¡­but I just can¡¯t bring myself to follow her advice.


    ¡°Can we just go?¡± I sigh.


    Emily nods, ¡°Yeah, but can you grab Grace for me and meet me at my car?¡±


    I sigh again. ¡°We¡¯re bringing her? Why can¡¯t you get her?¡± I complain like usually do when plans are changed.


    ¡°She¡¯s our friend, come on. Besides, it¡¯s not like she knows anyone else. I have to meet Cody in the meantime.¡±


    ¡°Yeah sure.¡±


    Grace is sitting alone in the cafeteria again. It¡¯s pathetic and cute at the same time. I wish she was a little bit older, or at least looked older. And maybe even have a little better sense in style. I mean, she¡¯s wearing a deep v-neck at a petty attempt to show off her non-existent boobs. Her hair is pretty though. She has light blonde hair a half-foot past her shoulders that would look gorgeous if the sun ever shone. Like Emily told me, ¡°She¡¯ll grow up to be a hottie.¡±


    ¡°Grace, come on, Emily¡¯s waiting for us,¡±


    ¡°Why? Where are we going?¡± she says standing up.


    ¡°Out for lunch, you don¡¯t want to come?¡±


    Grace crosses her legs and hands. ¡°I thought freshmen aren¡¯t allowed to go off campus.¡±


    ¡°They won¡¯t care if you¡¯re with us. I¡¯m a Junior and she¡¯s a Senior, it¡¯ll be fine so come on.¡±


    Emily is outside her car and Chris is surprising with her. I¡¯ve known him since freshman year and he has not once broken a promise or told a secret. Although he does like to share his thoughts on people. Even though he is always drugged out, he has the best and most useful advice anyone can give.


    Chris is deer in headlights staring at the dark gray, gloomy sky to notice anything. I wonder what drug is he on. It¡¯s probably LSD or some hallucinogens, his favorites.


    ¡°It¡¯s a pleasure to meet you, Gracie,¡± He says. Chris looks down and examines her from top to bottom and back up again. Even though the two have been around each other, I think this is the first time Chris has said a word to her. He is so odd.


    Emily takes us to the Diner that¡¯s right on the only entrance of Darkwood. The place serves the best coffee around, even better than in Seattle. We like to come here when we get tired of the mundane food the school gives us. We could go anywhere else like the rest of the Seniors and Juniors do but we like it here.


    Andrew is surprisingly already here. He probably skipped class to come here. Emily and Grace say hello and go inside while I stick with Chris and my brother. ¡°What are you doing here?¡± I ask.


    Chris and Andrew shake hands and I see an exchange of drugs and money. I almost have forgotten that my brother is a drug dealer. Andrew gets it from his supplier, Chris buys from him and gives it to us; often for free. This is how it¡¯s been since the start of high school.


    ¡°What¡¯cha want Sara?¡± My brother asks. ¡°Go inside. Chris and I have business.¡±


    ¡°You don¡¯t have to hide it from me. Is this the whole reason you¡¯re here?¡±


    ¡°Why do you care?¡± my brother laughs.


    Andrew is right. I should be inside with Emily and Grace. Maybe I have this delusion that I¡¯ll finally be able to tell my brother that I¡¯m gay and everything I¡¯ve been doing was to keep that hidden from him. Andrew is the only person I can rely on. Emily comes a close second but nobody understands me better than my brother. But he¡¯s such a homophobe. He hates Isaac and it¡¯s the only reason why Isaac doesn¡¯t hang out with us that much. If Andrew knew I was gay, he would disown me. I can¡¯t have that.Reading on this site? This novel is published elsewhere. Support the author by seeking out the original.


    ¡°Whatever, dick,¡± I say and go inside.


    ¡°What was that about?¡± Emily asks.


    ¡°Nothing,¡± I sigh.


    Chris comes in alone a few moments later. Andrew has to have a different reason for being here. They could have just done this at school. It doesn¡¯t matter. Andrew will forever be Andrew and there¡¯s nothing I can change that. ¡°What¡¯s going on?¡± Chris speaks.


    ¡°Grace was just talking about how different Darkwood feels than any other place in the world,¡± Emily answers.


    The waitress comes in and asks for our orders. Grace orders some fries and some coffee. Emily gets the same but adds some toast. Chris gets an entire burger and a coke while I don¡¯t order anything for myself.


    ¡°You don¡¯t like the town?¡± Chris asks.


    Gracie shakes her head. ¡°It¡¯s not that I don¡¯t, it¡¯s just the atmosphere here is different. Emily drove me around a couple of days ago. You¡¯re all right, there isn¡¯t much to do.¡±


    ¡°You just haven¡¯t looked in the right places. Ellie¡¯s suicide riled the town up, it¡¯ll be back to normal soon.¡±


    We all stay quiet. I¡¯m still in disbelief that she¡¯s gone. Part of me still feels sick that I could have stopped it. She talked to me about it, how could I have not seen it? We understood each other because of this, we became friends because of this. She didn¡¯t want to die because she wanted to, she wondered how it¡¯s like to die. She wondered!


    A lot of people blame us for what happened to her. I¡¯m not sure I disagree with them. It started with us and it ended with us. Now with each passing day, the rumors grow and the hate becomes bigger. Ellie¡¯s best friend Megan doesn¡¯t let anyone forget.


    Our food arrives and Grace comments on how good the coffee is. Emily tells us a joke and we all laugh, even Chris.


    ¡°I¡¯m gonna go to the bathroom,¡± Grace says getting up.


    ¡°I¡¯ll come with,¡± Ems gets up as well.


    ¡°You think it¡¯s a good idea for Grace to be around us?¡± Chris asks me once they leave. ¡°I¡¯m starting to think we¡¯re not good people.¡±


    ¡°Since when did you grow a conscience?¡±


    ¡°I haven¡¯t. I¡¯m just speaking your thoughts,¡± again, Chris is an oddball. He¡¯s always saying weird shit like this. For being the smartest guy in school, maybe even the state, he sure is dumb when he talks a lot of the time.


    ¡°Chris the drugs are getting to you.¡±


    Chris chuckles, ¡°Maybe.¡± He pulls out the baggie Andrew gives him. The small pink powder comes out when he lightly taps it on top of Grace¡¯s coffee.


    ¡°Chris what are you doing?!¡±


    He just smiles, ¡°Relax, it¡¯s just molly.¡±


    ¡°Yeah and here I thought you actually cared. Are you insane?!¡±


    ¡°Yeah.¡±


    ¡°She¡¯s not drinking that.¡±


    ¡°Sara, you and I both know she¡¯s going to do it eventually. She¡¯s going to be corrupted just like all of us. The best we can do is watch over her.¡±


    Fuck, Chris is insane. I¡¯m more insane for letting it happen. Grace and Emily come back and I say nothing as the new addition to our group takes a drink. I¡¯m not a good person. I never was. Grace needs to learn what this town is about anyways, I guess Chris is right.


    Emily texts me with this exact concern right before 8th. I find the two just outside Emily¡¯s car in the student parking lot. ¡°What do you think Chris gave her? That asshole what was he thinking?¡±


    Grace can¡¯t sit still but at the same time is feeling every part of her body. She¡¯s unresponsive and giggles a lot. ¡°Molly, maybe,¡± I tell Emily.


    ¡°Chris never drugs people just for laughs. What the fuck was he thinking?¡± Emily responds while placing Gracie on the back seat of the car. ¡°Anyways, I can¡¯t take her home and she can¡¯t come to mine. My dad gonna be home for a while.¡±


    ¡°Fuck, what about Isaac or Chris¡¯?¡±


    Emily shakes her head while she starts the engine. ¡°Isaac is sick and Chris goes MIA after school.¡±


    ¡°Cody?¡±


    Emily sighs, ¡°What do you think?¡±


    ¡°Fuck,¡± I whisper to myself. ¡°Alright but you owe me.¡±


    Grace becomes too stubborn to enter my shit house and it takes Emily and me to get her inside. My dad is already passed out on the couch to notice. Grace crashes on my messed up bed and starts to giggle a lot. Emily bites her lips and wishes me luck before she leaves.


    ¡°Jesus, why did I let him?¡± I sigh.


    For the next hour, it¡¯s nothing but laughter from Gracie while I try to do my homework. She starts talking to herself and imaginary stuffed animals. At first, it¡¯s a bit weird but it gets entertaining. She reminds me of the better times, when Dad wasn¡¯t such a drunk and Andrew was still a good kid. I was happy and innocent back then, just like Grace right now.


    A day doesn¡¯t go by when I don¡¯t miss mom.


    Andrew slams through my room like he always does and crashes onto my bed, almost landing on top of Grace. ¡°How¡¯d you doing, Sis? What she doin¡¯ ¡®ere¡±


    ¡°Chris gave her molly and now she¡¯s tripping and can¡¯t go home,¡± I reply.


    ¡°I didn¡¯t give Chris Molly today. I gave him a powder form of Winter. Andrew gets up and looks over my shoulder in my studies. ¡°You forgot to carry the two,¡± he says, pointing to the math question I¡¯ve been stuck on all day.


    Winter? That¡¯s the new drug that¡¯s been going around the state. Why does my brother have it?


    ¡°Thanks. You know, you can do so much more than getting fucked up all the time,¡± I tell him. I can feel Andrew step back and sit on my bed. ¡°You have the power to escape this shit hole, why not use it? I mean you¡¯re almost as smart as Chris.¡±


    Andrew chuckles. ¡°We¡¯re all shitheads Sara, I can¡¯t change that. I¡¯ll rather fuck and roll than to take it slow, y¡¯ know? Speaking of which, there¡¯s a party tomorrow down at Lucas¡¯ want to go? First one since mine.¡±


    I shake my head, ¡°No I need to study for my math test tomorrow,¡±


    ¡°For fuck¡¯s sake Sara, why the fuck not? Isn¡¯t he your boyfriend?.¡±


    I shake my head again, ¡°Fuck off, Andrew!¡±


    ¡°Well fuck you too, bitch. You¡¯re missing out.¡±


    Andrew slams the door laughing.


    Grace suddenly screams and it scares the shit out of me. She sitting up and her eyes aren¡¯t the pretty hazel yellow anymore.


    I rush over to her to comfort her. ¡°Shh, Gracie, it¡¯ll be alright. Nothing is here, you¡¯re safe.¡±


    ¡°T-the blood. The blood. It¡¯s al-all over me-me,¡± She stutters and her body is shivering.


    ¡°Grace, there¡¯s no blood. You¡¯re safe!¡±


    ¡°She-she just killed herself¡­in front of me..in front of me, Sara,¡± she says to me. Gracie wraps her arms around me and hugs me. She¡¯s cold and shivering and is staring at her feet.


    The rumors must have been true. Elizabeth did kill herself in front of poor Gracie. Emily told me that they were true, I just didn¡¯t want to believe. Jesus, she must have been so scarred from that. Emily didn¡¯t want her to go through school being known for the girl being there.


    They questioned us first. How we knew her, who was she with, did she ever showed signs of being depressed, all that regular shit pigs ask? Of course, we all agreed to lie on how close we knew her. All I remember is us being friends at some point over the summer.


    It was like a two-week-long investigation. They talked to everyone in the school. Ellie¡¯s parents paid big money to find out who was responsible. It¡¯s not something new here; we live right next to the suicide capital. Some even say that Darkwood is even worse.


    Grace had nothing to do with Ellie¡¯s suicide. It wasn¡¯t fair for all of our irresponsible actions to cause everything like that.


    Nothing has ever been the same after that night.


    ¡°Did you know her?¡± Grace asks me.


    I try to remember all the drama that happened and everything that climaxed over summer. I nod my head. ¡°It¡¯ll be alright, Gracie,¡± I say.


    It¡¯s getting late at night and Emily is taking care of her dad. He¡¯s being a drunken mess right now, just like mine. The poor freshman girl is almost passed out on my bed. Grace has calmed down and is just trying to rest. She told me that it felt like everything was trying to make her feel good and had a headache. Everything in her world moved slow and was euphoric.


    While waiting for Emily, I stare myself naked at the bathroom mirror again. I examine every single bruise, cut, scar and tattoo. It¡¯s nothing but a disgustingly beautiful work of art.


    It¡¯s times like these where I find peace.

 Chapter 4: Chained

    Cody


    September 21st, 2012


    It¡¯s the rain, yeah? Its innocence is what corrupts you. There are years where it doesn''t rain for months. There are years that it rains for days on end. The dry months are worst. They bring out the forest fires and they all have a smell to them. They have a certain sweetness to them that lies to us that everything will be okay. Watching it all burn down is a beauty unmatched by anything immortal. Then the rain would come in. Everywhere around is soaked and everyone stays inside. The heavy rain seems to make the world stop. But like the forest fires, the rain also has a smell to it. It¡¯s the sweetness that comes from the ground starched for its innocence. We call it Petrichor; that is the beauty that fades.


    And it¡¯s why it¡¯s beautiful.


    And it doesn¡¯t help that this town is the suburbs of the suburbs. There¡¯s nothing around but small stores. There¡¯s nothing but silence and nothing to do. It¡¯s why we¡¯re all looking for ways to have fun; to get fucked up. Even the purists cave in, they all do. And it just fucks them up.


    Chris passes me the blunt after taking one of the biggest hits in history. The guy knows how to hold it in.


    I watch Emily and Sara enter the school from the nearest doors from the parking lot. Emily doesn¡¯t notice me, just how I like it. Emily still carries that yellow aura around her. She hasn¡¯t changed a day with her red crimson hair. She says it¡¯s copper-red but it¡¯s crimson to me. Emily has always had a frail body. Weak and sometimes even anorexic. She uses sweaters and coats to hide. Even when she has bags under her eyes from never sleeping, she still truly is beautiful. Her sickness is what consumes her. It¡¯s been a while since it has affected her and it¡¯s long overdue to come back.


    Two nights ago she called in a panic. Her father had just got laid off and took it pretty hard. She¡¯s been dealing with that lately and she couldn¡¯t handle it. When Emily can¡¯t handle things she tends to get anxiety attacks. They don¡¯t happen often but it seems I¡¯m the only person who could and can ever calm her down. It¡¯s one of the many promises we have and one of the ones I promised myself to keep.


    Emily laughs. In response, I smile. Every time she smiles it reminds me how much I love her. I know I¡¯ve been in love with her since we were kids. She¡¯s the girl I¡¯m destined to marry, but lately, that fate has been hazy. It¡¯s been so hazy that I¡¯m losing the sense of who I am.


    She always keeps asking me, texting me, calling me, ¡°Why are you being so distant?¡±


    And I never tell her anything.


    I don¡¯t know.


    Chris lights up a joint. We¡¯re at the highest point in Darkwood. It¡¯s a park¡¯s hill that overlooks the main streets of the town. The only thing up here is a bench, it¡¯s where we¡¯re sitting.


    ¡°Emily told me you drugged that Grace girl they been hanging out with. Why?¡± I ask him.


    Chris likes to take time with his responses. ¡°She didn¡¯t tell you?¡±


    ¡°You know she did. I know you didn¡¯t tell her the truth.¡±


    ¡°I actually told Sara,¡± he chuckles as he takes a drag. He passes it to me. It¡¯s the only drug I take. ¡°Would you believe me that I did it to help her?¡±


    ¡°Help her?¡±


    Chris shrugs and pulls out a vile of a blue liquid. It¡¯s Winter. Years ago it was all the rage in the midwest but it disappeared out of nowhere. Now it has come back. ¡°Lyle gave me it to study and reproduce it.¡± I hate this, I hate his responses but I stay silent. ¡°Well, I manage to do so and found out some interesting things.¡±


    ¡°Like what?¡±


    ¡°That Lyle shouldn¡¯t get his hands on it. It¡¯s powerful, safe, and dangerous.¡±


    ¡°Dangerous? You said it¡¯s safe.¡±


    ¡°The chemical compounds can be altered in bad ways,¡± he shrugs.


    ¡°What does this have to do with the freshman?¡±


    ¡°Nothing,¡± he chuckles again, taking the joint away from me. ¡°I gave her a modified powder of Winter. My version. It¡¯ll help from developing addictions.¡±


    ¡°Is that even possible?¡±


    ¡°In theory,¡± My best friend takes a hit and stands up. ¡°I¡¯m something of a mad scientist, Cody. One day I¡¯ll unlock the world¡¯s secrets.¡±


    I laugh at his response. He gets odder by the day. Chris is a completely different person from who he was three years ago. He¡¯s too intelligent for his good. Right now he¡¯s playing around with chemistry. I don¡¯t understand how he does it, but he often makes his drugs. It¡¯s usually Molly or LSD. Chris is almost always on LSD. I guess when your parents aren¡¯t around, there are no limits for an 18-year-old.


    ¡°You wrote about Elizabeth yet?¡± Chris asks.


    ¡°Of course I have.¡±


    ¡°Anything good?¡±


    ¡°I don¡¯t know.¡±


    ¡°Let me hear.¡±


    I pull out my phone per his request. I find the writing and take another minute to find the beat. The music gets in my eyes and I concentrate. My mouth opens on its own.


    ¡°The school called again,¡± is the first thing my mother says when she comes home from work. ¡°I¡¯m more surprised you¡¯re home,¡± she sighs, dropping her purse on the kitchen table next to me. ¡°But I¡¯m still curious as to why you haven¡¯t been going to your classes.¡±


    ¡°Don¡¯t need ¡®em.¡±


    ¡°So instead you would rather eat a bowl of cereal? Code, I know the death of your friend is hard, but you can¡¯t let it affect your school.¡±


    Mom ruins my appetite. I place the spoon on the half-empty bowl and sit upright. ¡°I¡¯ll be fine. It¡¯s still early in the semester.¡±


    Mom sighs and crosses her arms. It¡¯s like this every day I see her. It never ends; my mom standing in the middle of the kitchen worrying too much about me. I suppose it is a mother¡¯s duty to worry about her youngest son, but where¡¯s Dad when she needs him?


    That¡¯s right. He¡¯s gone for weeks on end and I barely see him anymore. Whenever he is, Mom always starts a fight with him and all I can do is listen. At least I¡¯m not alone in a shit homeless. Everyone has one, or at least close to one.


    ¡°Alright, just don¡¯t get yourself in trouble.¡±


    ¡°Thanks.¡±


    ¡°Your father is going to hear about this. He¡¯s not gonna like it. He still wants you to go to college. It¡¯s not something you can run from.¡±


    I scoff, ¡°Like he¡¯s around in the first place.¡±


    ¡°Cody,¡± Mom sighs. ¡°He¡¯s doing the best he can in the position he¡¯s in. You know how hard his job is.¡±


    I stand up and dump the milk on the sink. ¡°You can tell him I have better dreams than doing what he wants. Look at where it took Travis.¡±


    ¡°Your brother is doing fine.¡±


    I laugh, ¡°Not from what he told me.¡±


    Mom walks past me and opens up the pantry. She usually doesn¡¯t cook. ¡°How about we have a nice dinner and we can talk about it. Why don¡¯t you invite Emily as well? I haven¡¯t seen her in a few weeks.¡±


    ¡°Yeah, maybe.¡±


    ¡°Maybe? That didn¡¯t sound so assuring. What¡¯s going on with you two.¡±


    I sit back down on the kitchen and table and pull out my writing notebook. Mom has started to get ingredients out of the fridge. ¡°Nothing.¡±


    Mom snorts, ¡°Please, Emily is like a daughter to me. I know when you two are fighting.¡±


    We aren¡¯t fighting. I¡¯m keeping my distance. I could sit here and talk about this with my mom to figure out why but that would require me telling her everything. Mom is in the dark about Elizabeth¡¯s death. I can¡¯t tell her about the party. I can¡¯t tell her anything about last summer. Only I know the truth, but even that gets me nowhere.


    ¡°Cody did you know I¡¯ve lived here my entire life? I¡¯ve seen everything this town can do to you.¡±


    ¡°Oh yeah?¡±


    ¡°Back then nobody ever dared to go inside the forest. There were no drugs, no parties in the middle of the weekdays. With each passing year, I have seen more and more people die here. It seems to get worse each year.¡±


    ¡°So why are we still here?¡±


    ¡°Change cannot happen if you run away from it,¡± Mom smirks at me. ¡°Go to your room and catch up on your schoolwork, I¡¯ll call you when dinner is ready.¡±


    Emily is sitting across from me at the dining table. She isn¡¯t hiding in sweaters or jackets; she¡¯s wearing a blank tank top and gym shorts. I can see her frail little body and I start to wonder why I¡¯m hiding from her. She¡¯s my world.If you spot this story on Amazon, know that it has been stolen. Report the violation.


    I can¡¯t have her here. She makes me uncomfortable but I can tell she¡¯s pleased to be here. Mom asks her a bunch of questions that don¡¯t matter. The two talk like mother and daughter. Mom¡¯s right, Ems is part of the family. Mom made sure of that during Emily¡¯s parent¡¯s divorce four years ago. She took care of her and assured her it wasn¡¯t Ems fault. There was a time when Emily would spend days at a time with us.


    I think those were the best days of my life. That was before we knew what this town was about. We were just kids without a care in the world.


    ¡°Ems, you''re looking a lot healthier. I¡¯m really proud of your progress,¡± Mom says out of the blue. Emily doesn¡¯t like to talk about her weight, my mom knows this.


    Emily smiles. It¡¯ brings warmth to me. ¡°Thank you. The doctors are telling me I have about 15 more pounds to be at a healthy weight. ¡°I¡¯ve been gaining about a pound every two months.¡±


    ¡°Is that healthy?¡±


    Emily finishes the food and nods. ¡°It¡¯s a lot better than not doing anything,¡± she laughs. Of course, what she doesn¡¯t tell my mom is that the progress would be faster if Emily wasn¡¯t doing coke every weekend. ¡°Cody makes sure I eat enough at school.¡±


    I don¡¯t know why she lies but she¡¯s looking at me like she¡¯s trying to provoke me.


    Mom blushes. She ships us more than anyone in both our families. ¡°You two are so cute together. I wish you would just admit that you¡¯re boyfriend and girlfriend already.¡±


    ¡°Mom!¡± I speak up for the first time during dinner. Emily just chuckles.


    ¡°Emily have I told you how Cody would refuse to leave the hospital until you got better? Jesus got so mad at you for missing so much school,¡± She says to me.


    ¡°Like grades in elementary school matter,¡± I respond.


    ¡°That¡¯s what I tried to tell him,¡± Mom chuckles. ¡°Anyways, Ems, you should have seen him.¡±


    Emily has this big grin on her face because she knows I don¡¯t like the story. It¡¯s like she gets this big satisfaction knowing that I love her. ¡°Yeah, I heard the story a thousand times, Elana.¡±


    ¡°That¡¯s when I knew you two would spend your entire lives together.¡±


    Emily blushes.


    Dinner becomes stale with school talk. I¡¯m more at ease now. Maybe I¡¯ve been overreacting. Still, I haven¡¯t found my answer as to why I¡¯ve been avoiding her. Maybe I¡¯m scared that my mom¡¯s wishes won¡¯t come true. It¡¯s counterproductive.


    Emily sits at the edge of my bed and kicks her legs back and forth. ¡°It¡¯s been ages since we have been here together.¡±


    I¡¯m on my desking writing on the last page of my notebook. ¡°It¡¯s been about two months, I think.¡±


    ¡°Actually, two months and 13 days,¡± she chuckles. ¡°Does this mean you¡¯ll stop ignoring me?¡± I don¡¯t answer. ¡°I¡¯m glad you¡¯re still writing. Have you been practicing on your voice?¡±


    ¡°Of course I have.¡±


    ¡°You make me sad now. I¡¯m losing my best friend. Rather, you¡¯re losing me. Stop ignoring me, Code. Come sit with us during lunch, come to class. Stop hiding.¡±


    I get fed up with Emily being in my house. ¡°C¡¯mon, we¡¯re leaving,¡± I say, leaving the room.


    Emily follows closely behind. ¡°Where are we going?¡±


    ¡°To Lucas¡¯ party.¡±


    Emily grins.


    I pick Chris up first and then Sara. Andrew texted me saying he¡¯s already there.


    ¡°Shit, Chris give me some Yay,¡± Sara asks.


    ¡°Not it the car,¡± I demand as Chris tosses Sara a small baggie of cocaine.


    Fuck I hate how things are now.


    We arrive at Lucas¡¯ party who¡¯s throwing it for his sister, Alyssa. They¡¯re the richest family in town. They practically live in a mansion. It¡¯s barely Ten and the party is raging. Sara disappears and Chris sits on the couch in the living room like usual. Every kid in school and even those in different schools greet me. The feeling isn¡¯t mutual except for Andrew who he goes nuts once he notices I arrived.


    After a few beers and a game of beer pong with Andrew, I finally notice Emily sitting with Chris. She notices me too and smiles but I don¡¯t return it and brush it off as if I didn¡¯t notice her. But I can¡¯t keep my eyes off her. She¡¯s laughing with Chris. He¡¯s there for her more than me now. I don¡¯t know how I feel about that. Angry, I guess; at myself.


    Everything moves fast at parties. In second everything is cool and in the next, the cops come. That just how things go. Darkwood parties go even faster. Everyone is drunk, on cocaine, heroin, meth, weed, speed, and narcotics. Everyone is fucking crazy.


    There¡¯s a circle formed around the giant living room and I pay a second of attention when Carlos breaks the beer pong table by falling on it. The fight doesn¡¯t interest me. It¡¯s all the same as every other one. The two will just brush it out and call it even.


    I go to the backyard where people are savoring what¡¯s left in warm autumn by jumping into the pool. The yard is neighbored by the woods. It¡¯s just like my own house. Nothing but darkness awaits there. When I was younger I used to explore them. I¡¯m sure if I would like to go in them and look I could find the treehouse Emily and I built when we were just little kids.


    So that¡¯s what I do. The woods that surround central Darkwood are creepiest at night. Once someone goes in, it hard to figure out how to get out without some sort of navigation. My entire childhood was spent here so getting lost isn¡¯t a problem for me.


    It¡¯s all so silent. The only noise is the sound of my feet breaking twigs and my thoughts. After a few minutes of walking, I manage to find the old treehouse. It¡¯s hard to see but I¡¯m sure it¡¯s pretty beat up. The treehouse was surprisingly sturdy for being built by two eight-year-olds and my father. Now it¡¯s falling apart because it hasn¡¯t been getting repairs since the start of my sophomore year. I stare at it for a few minutes, reliving the awesome and fun memories that I had with Emily. I remember Emily asking me to take her virginity there near the end of the eighth grade. I remember Emily reading me her made-up stories sixth grade. I remember Emily smiling and laughing fourth grade. I miss that Emily. The one who didn¡¯t care if I did my own thing.


    The silence is broken by a girl voice¡¯s scream. It¡¯s near the creek and I doubt anyone outside the woods would ever hear it. As I investigate, the female voice starts to yell out curse words and then I hear the sound of a tree branch snapping.


    There¡¯s a girl. There¡¯s a small, skinny girl breathing heavily with her back facing me about ten feet in front of me. She doesn¡¯t notice my presence. ¡°Fuck you, fuck you, and fuck you!¡± She cries out. The small girl picks up a broken-off tree branch and slams it in front of the tree she¡¯s standing in behind off. She calms herself down and drops the snapped tree branch.


    ¡°Is that how you take care of your problems?¡± I ask. The girl becomes extremely startled to the point where she turns around with a knife facing me.


    ¡°W-who are you?¡± She asks.


    ¡°I¡¯m the man who¡¯s going to kill you tonight,¡± I joke but I doubt she¡¯ll know that. The girl, based on the dim moonlight on her looks like a middle schooler but I wouldn¡¯t be sure. ¡°I asked you a question, answer it.¡±


    The girl raises the knife higher and backs up to the tree. ¡°You try to touch me and I¡¯ll cut you.¡±


    I laugh inside and decide to walk a few more steps so I can scare her. I stop for a second to ask myself why I¡¯m doing this. ¡°What were you mad about?¡± I ask, then take more steps forward so I can get a better look at who she is.


    ¡°Stay away from me!¡±


    I take two steps forward with the knife now being a foot away from my throat. I get a better picture of the girl¡¯s face. It seems slightly familiar but it¡¯s still obscured by the darkness. ¡°Relax, I¡¯m just fucking with you. Are you being bullied?¡± I ask. ¡°You shouldn¡¯t be in the woods at night, it can be near impossible to find your way out.¡±


    ¡°Then what are you doing here?!¡±


    ¡°Revisiting old memories, can I ask the same for you?¡±


    The girl nods, ¡°Yeah, I was being bullied.¡±


    The small girl is scared, I can notice that much. Her frightened face reminds me of Ellie. She adjusts a bit of her hair and I finally can recognize her. She¡¯s Grace.


    ¡°If you let others dictate their opinions on you then you need to re-evaluate your existence.¡± I feel the alcohol getting to me. I haven¡¯t realized how faded I¡¯ve been this entire time. I¡¯m just fucking with Grace because it¡¯s funny to me.


    The girl slightly lowers her guard, but I know if I move an inch I¡¯ll be cut. ¡°What do you know?¡±


    ¡°A friend of mine killed herself because she let others'' opinions control her,¡± I think I lie. I¡¯m not sure. ¡°It changed everything. I¡¯m sure if you let it go that far, you¡¯ll end up the same way¡­or worse.¡±


    ¡°Are you going to hurt me?¡±


    I chuckle and shake my head. The small girl lowers her knife to my heart. ¡°Are you going to strike my heart, make me bleed to death and leave me to die because you¡¯re alone in the woods with no one else around?¡± I chuckle some more. ¡°What¡¯s your name?¡±


    ¡°Grace.¡±


    ¡°Last?¡±


    ¡°Ciotta,¡±


    ¡°Grace Ciotta, lovely name,¡± I smile. ¡°You should get out of here, Gracie. It¡¯s not safe out here at night. You should¡­¡±


    ¡°Hey! What are you kids doing over there!?¡± A dark male voice interrupts me. It doesn¡¯t take a second for me to figure out that it¡¯s one of the local cops looking for kids getting fucked up or selling drugs in the woods.


    Without thinking I grab hold of Grace¡¯s hand, allowing her other hand holding the knife to stagger and cut my chest a bit. But that doesn¡¯t matter once we start running. She asks where we¡¯re going but I don¡¯t tell her anything. It would be impossible to get out of the woods without being caught by the cop. They¡¯re the most persistent and agile pigs in the country. There only safe place would be the treehouse. So I take Grace there.


    ¡°Climb,¡± I order as I watch out for the cop.


    The small house is much smaller than I remember. A once grape is now a raisin. Grace examines all the washed-up pictures on the walls while trying to find a way to comfortably stand, but is unable so she decides to sit down. I sit too and look around at the same pictures that have been up for years.


    ¡°You¡¯re Cody?¡± Grace asks examining a picture of Emily and me back in sophomore year with her cellphone light.


    ¡°Yeah, I¡¯m Cody. Nice to meet you again.¡±


    ¡°Yeah, you¡¯re that kid that never shows up to our calculus class,¡± She answers back. Gracie notices my bloodied chest and gasp. ¡°Oh my god, I¡¯m so sorry!¡±


    I laugh, ¡°It¡¯s fine.¡±


    ¡°No it¡¯s-¡°


    ¡°Shh,¡± I stop her, hearing the footsteps down on the ground. They get louder and louder and then a flash of lights hit the window of the house. Luckily we¡¯re sitting adjacent to it. After a while, the cop leaves to search for us somewhere else and release all the tension in my lungs.


    ¡°It¡¯s nice here,¡± Gracie mumbles.


    ¡°Ems-Emily and I used to come here every day since it was built when we were eight,¡± I sigh.


    ¡°What changed?¡±


    I sigh again. Sometimes I wonder why we hold memories if it only brings pain. The pain is always stronger when those memories are recalled in times of frowns. ¡°Junior year.¡±


    ¡°What about it?¡±


    ¡°I started to date this girl. She got pretty hurt about it. But ever since that, we stopped coming here,¡± I laugh. ¡°No, she always came to her after that; I just never bother to check.¡±


    ¡°So why aren¡¯t you friends with her now?¡±


    Grace takes another look around the walls, examining every photo. Most are washed out from all the rain over the years, and a few are new, assumingly placed there by Emily not too long ago.


    Emily always liked taking pictures. She often made me take photos of her junior year with her wearing her ever-increasing odd sense in fashion. In a way, Grace reminds me of a younger Emily. She¡¯s a freshman and dresses the same way Emily did when we were in her year.


    Elizabeth is the girl who fucking changed everything. And I caught myself getting feelings for her. The only one I truly love is Emily, but I don¡¯t know what love is. I never experienced it, the loss of it I mean. Sure, the butterflies in the stomach, the heart jumping out and the senseless and random smiles I¡¯ve all experienced. The anxiety of it all is what people said is love but I never really believed them. The closest I ever have gotten to know how love truly is is the cold and empty dark void of a black hole that just sucks the life out of me when Emily suffers. Her pain is my pain; therefore it is my duty to take care of her so I don¡¯t suffer. It¡¯s a selfish thing, really.


    ¡°Everyone says you know why Elizabeth killed herself. Can you tell me why?¡±


    ¡°I thought I already told you.¡±


    ¡°You held back on Emily.¡±


    Grace is smart. She¡¯s a bit drunk and so am I. The poor girl just wants answers. ¡°Do you really want to know?¡± I ask and wait for a nod. It takes Grace longer than I expect her to do so. ¡°I don¡¯t know. The most I can tell you is that she was delirious when she did it. Elizabeth didn¡¯t know was she was doing. She was too far gone that night.¡±


    ¡°Is that the truth?¡±


    ¡°The dead don¡¯t speak.¡±


    ¡°They should,¡± I hear the anger in her voice.


    ¡°They¡¯re too busy screaming.¡±


    There¡¯s silence for a while. Grace adjusts herself to get more comfortable. ¡°You know when you approached me like that; that was a bit mean.¡±


    ¡°I know,¡± I laugh, ¡°and funny.¡±


    ¡°It wasn¡¯t funny.¡±


    ¡°It was a bit funny,¡± I continue laughing. It takes a second but Grace caves in and laughs with me. ¡°Want to head back to the party? I¡¯ll make sure the bullies leave you alone.¡±


    Grace nods and follows me through the forest.

 Chapter 5: Smell like/Teen Spirits

    Andrew


    September 28th, 2012


    One thing I learned is that nothing matters. Nothing is real, everything is an illusion. Everything is a ghost in the form of the past, haunting us. I think Chris understands this the best and that¡¯s why everything is alright with him. I keep having these dreams. There aren¡¯t any different from reality. In these dreams, the ghost seems to always catch up with me. The past, she¡¯s, comforting. But it¡¯s not real. It never is. So that¡¯s why in these dreams I¡¯m always falling.


    I live on the edge. I¡¯ve been molded to.


    I keep seeing her. She¡¯s next to me faded and laughing. She doesn¡¯t know what she¡¯s doing or why she¡¯s here. She¡¯s just fucked up, the same as I am. I remember making her vulnerable by making myself seem soft. I fucked her then. It haunts me.


    I remember her last words to me. I remember Emily yelling at me that it¡¯s all my fault. Maybe she¡¯s right, but part of me doesn¡¯t feel bad about it at all. I can¡¯t stop the people who already made up their minds. That¡¯s just how it is. When Cody found out, I thought he was gonna snap, like how Emily told me about when he did it to Elizabeth. But he didn¡¯t and said nothing, and we haven¡¯t talked about it since. We just continue like I didn¡¯t betray him.


    Like I care. I still have nightmares all the same.


    Dad is passed out drunk in the living room. Nothing ever changes in this house. Nobody ever cleans except for Sara who only does it once a week. The house stays trashed this way and nobody cares. Dad doesn¡¯t care, he never fucking cares. He¡¯s not even my father anymore, just some alcoholic we babysit. I don¡¯t think twice about shutting the front door on him as I walk out the door.


    I often wonder if I should ever get child-services involved, but what good will that do now? I¡¯m a year and a half away from being 18 and Sara and I need to stay close to our friends. I know Sara hates our father much more than I do, but she still refuses to leave. I wonder why.


    I honestly hate school. It¡¯s fucking retarded the way it''s set up in the United States and everyone in it is stupid. The administrators refuse to kick me out despite being their most delinquent student. I¡¯m told that it¡¯s because I make the school look go with my test scores. But it¡¯s all bullshit, I think. Things shouldn¡¯t work like that. I want to be expelled so I test their limits.


    I hate the students here even more. They¡¯re so self-absorbed, so fake, so idiotic. There¡¯s nothing in this town and a round trip to Seattle takes too long. So all they do is get high and throw parties and all I do is supply them. Over half the town is upper class and their parents don¡¯t seem to care where the money goes. It¡¯s easy money and I have the protection to cover my ass if things get hot. The alcohol is trickier but everyone has their connections. Mine is the owner of the liquor store a few streets away from the highway. I saved his life a year ago when he had a stroke when he closing up. Planning to rob the place after hours worked out.


    All of this makes me the only drug dealer in the town. The police still think people are going into the city for drugs when in reality they come from me.


    By Third period I¡¯m in the dean¡¯s office. Scrote complains and yaps about discipline and how I need to get my shit together I and everyone else calls him Scrotum. ¡°If it wasn¡¯t for the school¡¯s say, I would have you kicked out and forced out into the streets,¡± He says. ¡°Just because the cops can¡¯t prove you caused Elizabeth¡¯s suicide doesn¡¯t mean you¡¯ll get off the hook.¡±


    I laugh, ¡°You¡¯re a big shot with way too much time on your hands. You don¡¯t care what happens to me. You only care about preserving the image this piece of shit high-end school.¡±


    ¡°Shut your fucking mouth kid. You have no idea how to live in the real world,¡± His loses himself, kicks over his chair and grabs me by my collar. He fucking hates me and that shit is hilarious.


    ¡°You don¡¯t either,¡± I spit at his face, causing me to laugh harder.


    I¡¯m on the floor with a bloodied lip by the end of Third.


    I share my fourth-period class with Emily Crowe. Shit, every time she sits next to me her scent makes me wild. She hates me but somehow still likes being around me. It drives me nuts. I break into her house, I make fun of her, I don¡¯t care about her and yet she sticks around and calls me her friend.


    ¡°Hey, Drew,¡± She sits next to me again. The pheromones are driving me crazy again. ¡°Wake up well?¡±


    ¡°Didn¡¯t have a bitch waking me up with a blowjob, so no.¡±


    Emily laughs. Fuck I love her laugh. ¡°Cute. My dad is gonna be in the city for two days. He found a new job and is doing some training, you know what that means?¡±


    ¡°We fucking for 48 hours straight?¡±


    She laughs again, ¡°No, I¡¯m having a kickback tonight. Gracie is gonna try to smoke tonight. Exciting times.¡±


    ¡°That little virgin bitch will chicken out.¡±


    ¡°Don¡¯t call her a bitch, she¡¯s a nice girl.¡±


    ¡°Yeah whatever,¡± I scoff. ¡°What time? I have to be somewhere tonight.¡±


    Emily adjusts her hair, then the bandana on her wrist. ¡°After 8. Grace has to be home before her mom comes home.¡±


    ¡°She¡¯s a downer. Fuck her.¡±


    ¡°What are you doing that you might not make it?¡±


    ¡°Meeting with my supplier, duh.¡±


    ¡°Who is he? Why haven¡¯t I ever met him.¡±


    ¡°Doesn¡¯t concern you.¡±


    The bell rings which saves me from this conversation. The less Emily knows the better. It fucked Elizabeth up and I¡¯m not letting that mistake happen again.


    Chris likes to come with me to these little meetings. The supplier likes to fund Chris¡¯s little projects and in return, Chris makes the drugs we sell better. He¡¯s the one who introduced me in the first place. Don¡¯t know how he found him but it doesn¡¯t matter.


    I don¡¯t expect Lyle to show up.


    ¡°You fucked a girl yet?¡± I ask Chris while I drive to the meeting spot. Chris, not much of a talker he is. I scoff, ¡°Nevermind. It¡¯s like you care. Found anything interesting?¡±


    Chris nods. ¡°There¡¯s something weird about Winter.¡±


    ¡°What about it? Were you able to reverse engineer it?¡±


    He nods again. ¡°I¡¯m not gonna give it to Lyle. It¡¯s odd that he wants it. Do you know anything about it?¡±If you come across this story on Amazon, be aware that it has been stolen from Royal Road. Please report it.


    I do. It¡¯s expensive and not much is left in the world. ¡°It was popular about five years ago in Colorado. It disappeared when the feds broke up a gang over there. It doesn¡¯t take a genius to put two and two together. Since Lyle wants it you can deduce that the gang isn¡¯t completely dead. He¡¯s working for them.¡±


    ¡°Or maybe we¡¯re in over our heads, Andrew.¡±


    ¡°You think Lyle is part of the Golden Hearts?¡±


    ¡°He¡¯s using you. Using me.¡±


    ¡°Doesn¡¯t matter.¡±


    ¡°It does.¡±


    ¡°Why do you care all of a sudden?¡±


    Chris sighs. He doesn¡¯t respond as I see the meeting place in front of us. Acid stands in front of his black SUV. He¡¯s Lyle right-hand man, butler, cock sucker I honestly don¡¯t know. He does Lyle¡¯s dirty work.


    Acid¡¯s black skin and tall height make him intimidating. I don¡¯t think I have seen him laugh. He¡¯s dangerous so I make sure I¡¯m ready for anything. ¡°Nice to have you show up on time,¡± He says in his dark voice.


    ¡°Sorry to disappoint,¡± I chuckle. I know what would happen if I were late. Even though I don¡¯t get scared, it¡¯s something I don¡¯t want to experience. ¡°So what¡¯s up? I¡¯m assuming you¡¯re here to give me something. It¡¯s either more drugs to sell or a bullet through my head.¡±


    Acid laughs. This is the first time I made him laugh. It¡¯s much more intimidating than his frowning. ¡°You¡¯re a funny kid, Andrew. You¡¯ve done nothing wrong, you¡¯re not dying today.¡±


    ¡°Good to know, dying really doesn¡¯t fit in my schedule anytime soon.¡±


    ¡°Chris,¡± Acid pauses. ¡°Lyle wants to know if the Winter can be reverse-engineered. Any progress?¡±


    Chris shakes his head, ¡°No, sorry.¡±


    ¡°Then what are you doing here?¡±


    ¡°I¡¯m Andrew¡¯s partner in this. I share the responsibility.¡± Chris¡¯ words are odd to me. He¡¯s been acting strange lately, I wonder if he¡¯s stopping his LSD dosages.


    Acid scoffs. ¡°Yeah, whatever. Andrew,¡± he pauses again. ¡°Lyle wants you to meet with him a couple of weeks from now. You¡¯ll be doing some collections with him.¡±


    ¡°Isn¡¯t that your job?¡±


    ¡°You¡¯ve done them before so you can get used to the ones you¡¯ll be doing,¡± Acid crosses his arms. He isn¡¯t pleased about this. The fucker is probably thinking I¡¯m going to replace him. No, that couldn¡¯t be it, Acid is too good at his job. Lyle wants me to collect debts that he¡¯s owed and Acid just implied these batches are more serious; perhaps dangerous. That only means Lyle is taking me more seriously.


    ¡°Alright then, give me the gun.¡±


    ¡°What?¡±


    ¡°I¡¯m assuming they won''t be cooperative and I would need something more persuasive than a 16-year-old¡¯s words.¡±


    Acid uncrosses his harms and pulls out a Glock 19 and points it at me. He¡¯s trying to scare me. From my peripheral vision and can see Chris isn¡¯t even paying attention. ¡°You¡¯re smart too. I can see why Lyle likes you.¡±


    ¡°I¡¯m second best at my school. Chris here is miles above me though.¡±


    ¡°Nah, you¡¯re street smart too,¡± Acid flips the gun and tosses it to me and I catch it. Just like I thought, the safety was on. Acid pulls out a bag out of his pocket and tosses it to me too. It¡¯s more Yeyo, my favorite. ¡°Sell this. We¡¯re done here.¡±


    He doesn¡¯t ask for the money I brought with me. ¡°Cool, thanks.¡±


    Chris walks back to the car first and I turn around to follow him. ¡°Almost forgot. Where¡¯s that Elizabeth girl? Lyles has been trying to contact her.¡±


    ¡°You guys don¡¯t know? Bitch is dead. Killed herself.¡±


    Acid¡¯s eyes widen. ¡°Should have told us. Leave.¡±


    Chris and I don¡¯t talk for the rest of the car ride back home. All I can focus on is why Acid¡¯s eyes would widen. He isn¡¯t one to be concerned about Elizabeth. Hell, even Lyle shouldn¡¯t even be concerned with her. They met once. Fuck I hate thinking. If Lyle is wondering where Elizabeth then that means¡­


    Fuck, no more thinking.


    I drop Chris at Cody¡¯s and drive five houses down to the only thing that can get my mind off things, Emily¡¯s.


    It¡¯s creepy, I know; breaking into this girl¡¯s house. She never minds though. She may act as she does but she truly doesn¡¯t care. I¡¯m one of her closest friends and I suppose that gives me the ability to do so. I often wonder if she ever thinks about what I do in her room while I wait for her and Sara to come.


    I often wonder why I always spend it drinking or sitting motionless. But the kickback isn¡¯t in her room so I wait in the living room. I¡¯m lucky her dad won¡¯t come home until Monday.


    Sara enters the house first, then Grace and finally Emily. Isaac is next and then Chris shows up. I¡¯m already half-drunk at this point. I¡¯m also half high on the Coke that I bought for myself from myself. The music starts. It¡¯s all shit, but catchy pop songs that we all bop our heads as we try to convince Grace to smoke. I¡¯m the one who¡¯s pushing her. I refuse to leave a soul untainted in this world and she still has yet to learn how fucked up everyone is.


    ¡°Stop being stupid and just take a hit. You¡¯re not gonna do dumb shit like throw up on the suicidal girl with us around. It¡¯s not like we¡¯re going to force you to get high,¡± I catch Sara laughing nervously at my words.


    Grace bites her lips and grabs the pipe from Emily. Everyone starts cheering as she brings the can closer to her face.


    The event is interrupted by my phone¡¯s text vibration. It¡¯s from Cody: ¡°Keep her safe¡±


    I lick the blood of my gums and look back at everyone¡¯s cheer as Grace takes her very hit of weed; except I can¡¯t concentrate on applauding her. Why can¡¯t Cody come and take care of her? She¡¯s been so fucking alone without him the past weeks. Why does he have to be such a dick and ignore her most of the time? Things seemed to go back to normal last week. Now it¡¯s the same shit.


    ¡°How is it?¡± Sara asks the little girl.


    ¡°Terrible,¡± Grace coughs.


    ¡°Smoke up, there¡¯s more to come,¡± I laugh.


    And with that, the real party begins.


    Chris is the first one to pass out and it¡¯s not even past nine. He¡¯s been an odd one today, makes me wonder if the drugs have gotten to him. My sister stands up from the couch she¡¯s sitting up to go dance with Grace and Isaac. Emily scuffles herself to sit next to me.


    ¡°Where do you even manage to get all of this?¡± Emily asks me about the expensive brands of alcohol I brought.


    ¡°I know some guys,¡± I laugh again.


    Emily giggles, ¡°I wouldn¡¯t be surprised if you knew a guy that knows some guys¡±


    I smile and look back at my glass of pure, 100 proof cognac. ¡°I know a lot of people¡­things.¡±


    Emily smiles, ¡°I know you do,¡± I can smell the strong scent of strawberry vodka in her breath. She isn¡¯t slurring so she can¡¯t be drunk. ¡°I don¡¯t know why you have to be such a dick sometimes though. I mean Sara tells me some reasons, but it still doesn¡¯t justify you.¡±


    ¡°Don¡¯t dwell too much into my life, Ems,¡± I say before standing up and heading to the bathroom.


    My piss feels like an eternity. My hair is messed up but I missed it while looking at myself in the mirror. That¡¯s when I noticed the blood falling from my nose. It must be from all the damn cocaine.


    When I get back, Isaac is passed out. I knew he couldn¡¯t hold his liquor. I notice Sara is wasted and Emily is getting there. Grace is rocking her body side to side to the music.


    The next thing I know, everyone who¡¯s up is dancing and so am I. I can¡¯t stop staring at Emily who I know is drunk now. Grace is dancing with Emily while spilling her beer as she tries to drink. She goes out cold for a second on the couch.


    All the dancing and laughter is coming to an end. For the first time in a while, I feel drunk; out of my control.


    The song, ¡°Walking on a dream¡± by Empire of the Sun comes on. It¡¯s Emily¡¯s favorite song. I take my sit and drink a bit more while I watch Emily and Grace dance with each other again. Grace eventually crashes again and Emily brings my hand up to dance with her by the second half of the song. I can catch every single scent of pheromones. It¡¯s sweet like a cherry milkshake. No, she¡¯s even sweeter. Everything she does is a poison to me. Emily grinds next to me, raising her hands to hold her head and steps her feet to the music. She¡¯s smiling as I comply with every move she makes.


    The song ends, I¡¯m dizzy and tired but Emily is from finished. ¡°All night long¡± By LFMAO starts playing. I fucking hate this song and I know Emily does too. But the bass and kicks start. Emily drops her knees to every two kicks while she has her arms forming a ¡°v¡¯ with her elbows pointed inward to her torso with her fingers ready to snap. She giggles, gets on top of her living room table, shuffling her feet right to left. She laughs, I laugh. I watch in awe. Emily¡¯s hair goes all over the place as she happily stops her feet to the beat of the music. an angel. Emily jumps down and pulls my arm bringing myself to her level. She turns her back to me and places her ass right on my dick. It¡¯s a fucking instant turn out and I can¡¯t help but grab her ass while I move to the music with her.


    The beat slows down and Emily turns back around to face me. I get another chance to stare into her ever-changing eyes. This time they¡¯re blue. Emily does nothing but laugh. The next thing I know I get everything that I ever wanted in this shit life. She pulls back, but it doesn¡¯t matter because we¡¯re both drunk and she goes for it.


    It¡¯s everything that I ever imagined.


    This feels like a dream. It¡¯ll just be another ghost that¡¯ll haunt me. The past is haunting me again. This isn¡¯t real, why would I be? Emily is drunk, of course, she doesn¡¯t like me back. She¡¯s just an illusion, unobtainable. I¡¯m falling again.

 Chapter 6: Origin

    Chris


    September 26th, 2012


    I wake up for the first time in days. Take a shower, put on for the first time a clean shirt, jeans and shoes. Do my hair and try to ignore everything that is going on. Nothing is there, it¡¯s all an illusion. You¡¯re lucid, Chris.


    There is a moment of bliss. I walk down the streets.


    A mother is trying desperately to calm down her crying child. He refuses to get out of the car and the mother is trying her hardest to pull him out. She looks like she hasn¡¯t slept for days. I could say the same for myself.


    In Plato¡¯s allegory of the cave, he suggests that people inside the cave would find the real world to be fictional or frightening to the point where they would kill the messenger. They cannot fathom the idea that the models they discover could not be the real thing. Some would argue that the man that escaped would find the outside world so far out of his comfort zone that he would just go back inside the cave. Others argue that the man would embrace his new reality and leave his other prisoner¡¯s behind.


    I believe this comparable to living inside a cubicle and everything inside the cubicle is a model for us to understand the dimensions and law inside. However, we cannot use the tools outside the cubicle as there is no way to know what they are; so the outside models are impossible to ever comprehend. This story is posted elsewhere by the author. Help them out by reading the authentic version.


    This Idea applies the same with the universe. Everything we know comes from the inside so the idea of God goes beyond the borders of the vastness infinite space. The concept of God is just the outside looking in the cubicle. And through that understanding of how the cubicle works, we can never be the inside looking out. It¡¯s fun to think about, isn¡¯t it?


    When I was 14, I made a mistake. I made the mistake of being curious about human consciousness. I was obsessed with it. Through the darknet, I was introduced to a very dangerous man just to get what I wanted. I don¡¯t think Andrew understands the danger to this man. He gave me access to the tools to start my research. That was my mistake.


    I¡¯m the first to think himself mad. It keeps me up at night.


    My name is Chris Larsen. I¡¯m just a ghost to the world. My friends constantly seek me out for advice. I¡¯m the metaphor for mental illness in this story.


    What about you? What¡¯s your story. How do you know you¡¯re even real? What if it¡¯s all a computer simulation? What would you do?


    It¡¯s scary to think about.


    Do you know what¡¯s even scarier?; That we don¡¯t know why Elizabeth died. I have a theory. I don¡¯t have any proof besides the gun she used, but that¡¯s all I need. This town is corrupted. It didn¡¯t use to be this way. I¡¯m at fault for all of this. This is my sin.


    This is why I¡¯m losing my mind.

 Chapter 7: Astigmatism

    Grace II


    October 1st, 2012


    I wake up with my body on fire. I don¡¯t even remember getting home and in my bed. I don¡¯t even know if my mom knows I¡¯m going to parties again. She comes home from work later and later and I barely see her. It¡¯s been a while since we even talked face to face. She always asks if I¡¯m doing okay and I seem to give her the same answer.


    This town is crazy. The students here throw parties regardless of the day. Monday, Friday, Sunday¡¯s, it doesn¡¯t matter. We get there anywhere from 8 to 10 and don¡¯t leave until 2 or 3 and wake up 4 hours later for school. Today is one of those days. I¡¯m nauseous, my head is aching and I¡¯m laying in a puddle of my sweat. I fall back asleep.


    ¡°Grace, why aren¡¯t you at school?¡± Mom wakes me up.


    I groan. If she¡¯s up then it¡¯s anywhere between 10 and 12. ¡°I¡¯m sick.¡± I roll over to my back but don¡¯t bother to open my eyes.


    I feel my mom¡¯s hand on my forehead. ¡°Your head is warm. I¡¯ll bring a thermometer and some water.¡± She¡¯s a nurse and has always kept me healthy. She has no idea I¡¯m just hungover. I feel the cold plastic piece enter my mouth. ¡°Barely, under 100. You¡¯ll be better in a day. Take the medicine, drink your water and rest up.¡±


    Groggily I drink the pitcher of water and open my eyes for the first time. My mom is by my side but I¡¯m too blind to even recognize her. ¡°Where are my glasses?¡±


    ¡°Here,¡± Mom reaches for my glasses on my nightstand and hands them to me.


    ¡°Thanks.¡±


    ¡°I¡¯m heading to work. Rest up, I won¡¯t take an extra shift tonight so I¡¯ll be home to make sure you get better,¡± My mom stands up. ¡°Love you, Grace.¡±


    ¡°Love you too, Mom.¡±


    I drink more water and flop my body back into my bed.


    An hour later my eyes open again with no headache this time. Everything feels a lot better and my body no longer aches. I¡¯m glad I¡¯m young, I¡¯ll be doing a lot more of this so my body better gets used to it.


    It¡¯s a little past noon and the memories of the previous night start to trickle in. I talked a lot about Elizabeth at the party. That Megan girl didn¡¯t like that and started to push me around. Cody intervenes and stopped her but I started to drown myself in cheap vodka. That¡¯s all I can remember. And now I can¡¯t get Cody out of my head.


    I still can¡¯t get that moment we spent in that treehouse together, alone, out of my head. Cody is odd but he¡¯s so interesting. I¡¯m entranced by his eyes. They¡¯re always watching, concerned, observing. When I¡¯m around him I feel safe. I never liked a boy before. I¡¯m ugly and I¡¯m small with no boobs, he¡¯ll never like me back. Besides, Emily tells me that Cody and she are meant to be together. It¡¯ll never work, I¡¯m crazy.


    These crazy thoughts lead me to enter the forest. I want to find the treehouse again. I enter it through the abandoned house we threw the party last night. I can see trails made by footsteps during the day. The deeper I go in the denser it gets inside and the quieter the world becomes. After five minutes, I stop to realize that the trail ended a while ago and now I¡¯m lost. Cody is right, it¡¯s impossible to get anywhere in here.


    I recognize where I am.


    There¡¯s a faint trail nearby and I don¡¯t want to follow it because I know where it leads. I haven¡¯t been here since¡­


    There¡¯s a small shrine beside the tree with the dried up blood faintly still there. The shrine has faded and the flowers have died. The memories try to come back but I hold them back. It¡¯s good that I¡¯m here. My therapist said it¡¯ll be good to face my fears. I¡¯m here now so.


    I just didn¡¯t expect someone else to be here.


    He¡¯s a tall man but everyone is taller than me. ¡°Who are you?¡± He asks me before I even get a chance to think about running away.


    ¡°Um.¡±


    ¡°You a friend of hers?¡±


    I nod.


    ¡°Yeah, me too,¡± he sighs. My attention is drawn to his slicked-back white hair with roots that are brown for an inch. ¡°My name¡¯s Felix. You?¡±


    ¡°Grace.¡±


    Felix wears a black motorcycle jacket and has ripped jeans. It compliments his blue eyes very well. He¡¯s handsome. ¡°Were you two close?¡±Support the author by searching for the original publication of this novel.


    ¡°Not really, no. I ran into her a couple of times but I didn¡¯t know her well.¡±


    Felix nods, ¡°She was a friend of mine. I didn¡¯t know she died until a few days ago. Nobody even told me.¡± His voice hurts. How cruel.


    I take my steps forward to stand where I stood where she shot the bullet. ¡°I would ask how¡¯d you knew her but she was popular.¡±


    Felix chuckles but chokes up. ¡°Yeah, yeah. I didn¡¯t even get a chance to say goodbye.¡±


    ¡°I¡¯m sorry.¡±


    He shakes his head. ¡°It¡¯s alright. People connect when they¡¯re in pain. Elizabeth didn¡¯t share her pain so she couldn¡¯t connect with anybody. Do you know how it happened?¡±


    ¡°She shot herself.¡±


    ¡°I see.¡±


    There¡¯s silence. It¡¯s long but warm as we both look down at the shrine. Felix¡¯s words; I can connect to them. We¡¯re both in pain so we share this moment. Elizabeth. I don¡¯t know why she died. Nobody does. Everyone thinks it¡¯s because she was pregnant but she wouldn¡¯t have known. It was too early. If it¡¯s not that, it was the drug usage but I¡¯ve seen enough at these parties that people can hold their weight. It wasn¡¯t that either.


    And nobody knows why she had a gun.


    I can¡¯t rest until I find my answers.


    ¡°It was nice meeting you Grace, I hope we run into each other someday,¡± Felix takes his leave before I can say anything to him. I stare at his white hair disappearing in the vast brown and green.


    I end up back in school just in time for my eight-period class. Emily seems to be pleasantly surprised and motions for me to sit next to her, sit where Cody usually sits. He has his name etched on the desk. I don¡¯t know if it¡¯s my fantasy but I write my name under his. Emily notices and giggles. She leans over and writes her name undermine. ¡°Where were you today? Hungover?¡±


    I nod. ¡°Yeah.¡± The bell rings.


    The second bell rings and class is over. Emily decides it¡¯ll be a good idea to take me to the highest point in Darkwood. It¡¯s a hill next to the town¡¯s park. The park itself is pretty large with a small lake on the side. The elementary school is close by so all the school children are running around. It¡¯s peaceful here. Emily runs up ahead and up the grassy hill where there¡¯s a single bench on top. There¡¯s a girl up here.


    ¡°Jana, it¡¯s been a while,¡± Emily says to her.


    The girl stands up and faces up. She doesn¡¯t look happy by how much unkempt her hair is. ¡°I gotta go.¡±


    ¡°Wait! Have you been okay?!¡±


    Jana, the girl with the hoodie walks past us without saying a word.


    ¡°Who¡¯s she?¡± I ask.


    ¡°Jana. She¡¯s our friend. Was. She uh, doesn¡¯t speak to anyone anymore,¡± Emily sits down on the bench.


    I join her. I can see past the entire forest from here. It¡¯s beautiful. The ten-minute walk up was worth it. ¡°Why not?¡±


    ¡°I think she became Elizabeth¡¯s closest friend over the summer. She hasn¡¯t spoken to anyone since¡­¡±


    ¡°Yeah, I get it.¡±


    ¡°How have you been? I wish I could have stopped Megan before she started her s**t.¡±


    ¡°I¡¯m fine. I¡¯m lucky Cody was there.¡±


    ¡°Yeah,¡± Emily giggles. ¡°He¡¯s always there when you need him. I¡¯m surprised he even showed up. I haven¡¯t seen him in weeks.¡±


    ¡°Are you in love with him.¡±


    Emily grins then laughs. ¡°Yeah, no. I don¡¯t know. We promised each other when we were ten that we¡¯ll marry each other.¡±


    Something in me hurts. ¡°How cute. I wish I had someone like that.¡±


    My first friend sighs, ¡°I don¡¯t know what¡¯s with him lately but he¡¯s so distant now.¡±


    ¡°Because of Elizabeth?¡±


    ¡°I don¡¯t know. He¡¯s started to act weird before she even-¡± Emily sighs again. ¡°Maybe he blames himself for what happened to her.¡±


    ¡°So what did happen? Everyone keeps telling me vague details. She got corrupted this, she did this. I¡¯m still confused. How did it start?¡±


    ¡°A party. Cody and Ellie hit it off. He invited her to one of my kickbacks. We all became friends there and we played a hide and seek game a few games later where we got close. We convinced her to smoke weed. She never smoked before. Andrew then convinced her to do ecstasy then she asked for LSD. We corrupted her. It¡¯s our fault,¡± Emily pauses. ¡°It¡¯s our fault,¡± she says it weaker this time. ¡°She started to go out of control and Cody stopped us from giving her anything. She uh, found a way to keep her supply steady. I think it¡¯s Andrew¡¯s dealer. Then she found her estranged brother who gave her the meth,¡± Emily swallows hard. ¡°I¡¯m oversimplifying things, but. Two weeks later she died.¡±


    ¡°And nobody has the real reason why.¡±


    ¡°No. but it doesn¡¯t matter,¡± Emily gasps. ¡°We did this to her. We did this to her.¡± Emily breaks down. She blames herself. ¡°We did this to you.¡±


    I don¡¯t know what to do. This is my first time being next to anyone crying. Emily desperately tries to stop herself but I think she¡¯s feeling too guilty. I don¡¯t blame her. She didn¡¯t do this to Elizabeth. ¡°It¡¯s okay. I don¡¯t think it was your fault.¡±


    Emily¡¯s crying and I¡¯m just sitting here like a fool. I don¡¯t know what to say. I don¡¯t know what to do. I just look up and see nothing but gray skies. There hasn¡¯t been a day since I have been here that they were clear. Everyone is right. This place isn¡¯t right. When I look down, Emily isn¡¯t crying.


    ¡°You okay?¡± I finally manage to ask.


    She¡¯s standing in front of me and she stares down the forest. ¡°I¡¯m fine. I needed this. I haven¡¯t actually cried about it.¡± Emily takes off the bandana and looks at it for a bit. I wonder what it means. ¡°Nothing to do but to move on.¡±


    ¡°Move on to other boys?¡±


    Emily almost laughs. ¡°What other boys?¡± She asks turning around. I hope she gets the smirk in my mouth in hopes of changing the subject. ¡°You saw?!¡± I grin and almost laugh as well. Emily rushes back to me to sit back down. ¡°You bitch, how much?!¡±


    ¡°Everything,¡± I laugh. It was just kissing, but I saw it all. ¡°Why Andrew?¡±


    Emily shrugs, ¡°He¡¯s fun and unpredictable.¡±


    ¡°So no more Cody?¡±


    ¡°I literally have to force him to get him to talk to him. He¡¯s too frustrating to deal with. Andrew, he likes me and I think I like him too.¡±


    Things have been changing so fast without me even noticing. Maybe this will be my chance to talk to Cody. He doesn¡¯t come to school often but when he does he always says hi to me. His eyes watching over me, I know he likes me too. Maybe that¡¯s the reason he doesn¡¯t talk to Emily anymore.


    I look over to the forest and past that, the faint small town I can barely see. Grace Ciotta is going to take over Darkwood. I¡¯ll solve the mystery of Elizabeth and I¡¯ll finally get my peace.

 Chapter 8: Romance & Cigarettes

    Cody II


    October 6th, 2012


    I wake up from a text from Emily asking if we¡¯re going to homecoming. I ignore it. Instead, I reply to Chris who I¡¯m spending my day with today. At first, I thought I was ignoring Emily because I felt guilty about Elizabeth. Now I don¡¯t even know. She hasn¡¯t told me that she kissed Andrew and I had to find out through Chris. She isn¡¯t being honest with me, but then again, neither am I.


    I¡¯m not even sure how to feel.


    I get a third text, this one from Grace. I wonder how she got this number.


    ¡°Hey,¡± she says.


    It¡¯s ignored like everything else.


    My mom sits me down again and this time she yells at me for failing every class I¡¯m in. She¡¯s stressed and I can see gray hairs coming in. It¡¯s no wonder, she finally got a date when Dad is coming home. It¡¯s been two years since we last saw him. Mom makes it a point that I need to graduate by the time he comes home. She doesn¡¯t want him to miss another graduation like my brother¡¯s.


    By the end of it, I promised her I¡¯ll pass all of my classes by the end of the Semester. I guess it¡¯s time to. I¡¯ve been avoiding everything for too long and I don¡¯t think I can get away with it any longer. I can¡¯t let Emily fall in the hands of Andrew, he¡¯s too dangerous.


    That¡¯s what I decide to do as I walk into the Issaquah skatepark with Chris. Andrew¡¯s here today selling to the drug addicts around. It¡¯s a nice park during the day but after a certain amount of time, the junkies come out. It¡¯s usually around 5 pm. I used to come here every weekend a few years back. It was enough to get to know the regulars here. They like me here.


    ¡°My boy!¡± Andrew greets me in excitement like he always does. Except instead of Boy he uses the derogatory word African Americans use to greet each other. He loves the word.


    ¡°What up man?¡± I greet him back with a short handshake we came up with.


    ¡°The usual. Glad you guys came. The kids here love ya Code. They have been asking me all to get you down here so they can hear your freestyle. Shit¡¯s annoying.¡±


    I fake a burst of convincing laughter. ¡°Oh yeah? Maybe later,¡± I say without knowing how to tell him to lay off Emily. I didn¡¯t think things through. Maybe finding out more information will help. ¡°Anything interesting happen?¡±


    ¡°Nah,¡± Andrew leads us into the center of the skate park where some of the kids I know are practicing their tricks. ¡°I¡¯m just waiting for some dudes to show up so I can leave this shit place.¡± Chris sits down on a bench and stares at the sky. Andrew looks at me and then back at me and smirks. ¡°Not like you to be part of my deal, Code, what''s up?¡±


    ¡°I¡¯m tired of mundane ass Darkwood. At least you do something interesting. Besides, Ems is trying to trap me hanging out with her.¡±


    ¡°Why don¡¯t you?¡±


    I shrug, ¡°What do you think?¡±


    ¡°I think you¡¯re an idiot,¡± Andrew laughs. ¡°You going to Megan¡¯s party next Thursday?¡±


    ¡°Are we invited? Besides, is it a good idea to throw a rager the day before homecoming?¡±


    ¡°Who the fuck needs that bitch¡¯s permission to crash a party? You going or Nah?¡±


    I scoff, ¡°Nah.¡±


    ¡°Chris?¡±


    Chris looks down and shakes his head.


    A group of middle schoolers comes up to us to greet us. They¡¯re some of the kids that I grew to know. ¡°Yo Cody, spit us some rhymes man.¡±


    I chuckle, ¡°Fucking kids, man,¡± I say under my breath. ¡°I¡¯m not that impressive.¡±


    ¡°Come on man, we¡¯ll put you on youtube and you¡¯ll go viral,¡± the kid with his phone out to record says.


    Andrew slaps my chest to encourage me. I shrug and sigh. ¡°Give me two topics.¡±


    ¡°A penny and classes,¡± The kid with the camera suggests.


    ¡°Alright,¡± I pause to come up with something. I look over to the camera, it¡¯s not something I want but whatever. Andrew smirks and Chris is still staring at the sky. ¡°Alright, see-


    -I can make you cry, make you wonder why. It¡¯s all the same to me, painting with hate so blatantly. As far as I can tell, you¡¯re a penny wishing for a well to get well. Piece yourself together before the bell. When the children get let out and left to their own devices, I¡¯ll be in the back of the class masking my crisis. Beautiful this life is, can¡¯t stop to enjoy it. I¡¯ll probably love it to death and then destroy it. Break what you can and take it with you when you die which is everything in front of me, it¡¯s no surprise. Tampering with the thread-


    -that ho-¡±


    ¡°Hey!¡± I¡¯m interrupted by a skinny homeless man walking up to us. The camera turns to the guy and as he walks closer I recognize who he is. ¡°Where¡¯s my sister?!¡±


    It¡¯s Elizabeth¡¯s drug addict of a brother, Matt. He¡¯s the piece of shit that gave her the meth. He¡¯s been out of her life for years until she ran into him here over the summer. They reconnected and for whatever reason, Elizabeth thought she could bring him back with her. Matt is part of the reason she¡¯s dead.The genuine version of this novel can be found on another site. Support the author by reading it there.


    ¡°What the fuck do you want?¡± Andrew squares up.


    ¡°I haven¡¯t seen Ellie in a while, where is she?!¡±


    ¡°Boy, she¡¯s dead. Put a bullet through her brain, went blaht!¡± Andrew imitates a gun with his hand and shoots himself with it.


    The memory of seeing her faint shadow fall after the half-second flash of light comes back to me. The saliva in my mouth gets heavier. Emily sent me a long text last week admitting that it was our fault she died. It¡¯s been eating her up and can¡¯t stop thinking about it. The second Ellie died, I couldn¡¯t stop thinking about it either. I was the one who allowed her to approach me. I¡¯m only human, but she was better.


    I watch as Matt¡¯s scab ridden face turns from denial to horror. ¡°Lyle wasn¡¯t lying,¡± He says to himself. ¡°What did you do?!¡±


    ¡°I didn¡¯t do shit except fuck her in her tight little pussy,¡± Andrew laughs. Fuck I hate him. He doesn¡¯t have any regard for anyone else but himself.


    ¡°You don¡¯t speak to her like that!¡± Ellie¡¯s brother shouts.


    ¡°Fuck you, what the fuck are you gonna do about it!¡± Andrew shouts back, almost laughing. ¡°She killed herself and if anything it was your fucking fault!¡±


    ¡°Andrew!¡± I shout as I notice Matt reaching into jeans and pulling out a pistol. Everyone gasps when they see it. Andrew doesn¡¯t budge. ¡°Andrew!¡± I shout again.


    ¡°Do it you fuckin¡¯ pussy!¡± Andrew shouts even louder.


    Everyone bolts away but those who are far away are sticking around to see what¡¯s going to happen. It¡¯s just us four now. Chris doesn¡¯t even pay attention and is still looking at the sky. I look back at Matt and notice part of me wants to run away. I¡¯m so tense. Is this how it feels?


    ¡°Fuck you! I didn¡¯t kill my sister!¡± Matthew cries with a few tears.


    ¡°You¡¯re the one that hooked her on Meth, you cocksucker. It was you and Lyle. All you had to do was not give her the meth.¡±


    ¡°You¡¯re lying!¡±


    ¡°Andrew, stop!¡±


    ¡°SHUT THE FUCK UP!¡± Andrew yells at me and then turns his head to Matthew, ¡°DO IT YOU FUCKIN¡¯ PUSSY!¡±


    All I hear is silence, and then I hear a shout of desperation.


    And then nothing.


    I think about Emily. I think about Elizabeth. I want to know why I¡¯m pushing Emily away. I think about what my mother told me this morning. She said that I should follow in my brother¡¯s footsteps and go to college on the opposite side of the country. I think that I¡¯m afraid if I ever get close to Emily like that, it wouldn¡¯t work like my mom and dad.


    Emily has been there all the times I¡¯ve lost control. I try to always stay calm whenever I get angry. Finding out Elizabeth was doing meth just wasn¡¯t something I could stay still about. What¡¯s more, is that she was hanging around with Lyle back then It all boiled up and I exploded. I emotionally hurt her and she couldn¡¯t recover. Elizabeth became afraid of me. I lost control. It¡¯s my fault, my sin.


    And it¡¯s always around Emily too. It¡¯s as she¡¯s the trigger. It¡¯s hard to move on when there¡¯s nothing to move. Elizabeth is dead now. I reject Emily because I¡¯m scared to lose her too, the irony. Her weak body wouldn¡¯t be able to handle me if I ever did that to her. There¡¯s no winning in my shoes. It¡¯s funny that way.


    There will be a day where I¡¯ll lose everything regardless if I want it to or not.


    Andrew picks up the gun and kicks Matt in the stomach who¡¯s already laying on the ground? ¡°Anyone calls the cops?!¡± He asks around. Everyone shakes their heads. ¡°Fuck it, let''s go, Code, Chris.¡±


    ¡°Yeah,¡± Chris says finally getting up from his seat.


    I don¡¯t remember what happened. Did I blank out? Andrew switches the safety on the handgun and puts it in his waistband. He follows us to my car where he rides shotgun and we speed out of Seattle.


    ¡°Fuck man, that shit was intense,¡± Andrew¡¯s laughing his ass off. Of course, he¡¯s getting a thrill from this.


    ¡°You¡¯re crazy,¡± I tell him.


    ¡°Shit man, we¡¯re alive,¡± Andrew sighs. ¡°Just think of the pussy this shit will get me.¡±


    ¡°Whatever.¡±


    Andrew continues to laugh. He¡¯s actually crazy, insane. He wants my Emily. Emily wants him. I can¡¯t let this happen.


    I look up unto the treehouse Emily and I built with my father when we were eight. It¡¯s small but it can fit four people. We used to spend every waking moment we could here. Emily still has all the polaroid pictures she took to hang up on the walls. She doesn¡¯t come here very often anymore, but neither do I.


    Everything is spiraling out of control. Everything is my fault, my sin.


    I text Emily for the first time in months. I close my eyes and take a deep breath. My heart is still pounding after everything today, yet I still got out of it alive. I¡¯m still here which means things are not over. It¡¯s never too late.


    Emily stands, a beauty in front of me. It¡¯s clear she dressed up for me and isn¡¯t wearing a sweatshirt like she regularly does. She¡¯s insecure about her near anorexic body and rarely ever shows it, except towards me. We¡¯ve been working on it together but we stopped when I decided to distance myself from her.


    ¡°What¡¯s the occasion?¡± She asks with her soft voice.


    ¡°Andrew is out of control, we can¡¯t be friends with him anymore,¡± I walk up to her while she takes a seat on a nearby tree stump we made over a decade ago.


    ¡°We? You sure make it seem like we aren¡¯t friends anymore,¡± Emily chuckles and almost snorts. ¡°You can¡¯t tell me who I can¡¯t be friends with.¡±


    Shit. I had this whole speech in my head but now that she¡¯s here I don¡¯t know what to say. ¡°He¡¯s crazy, he got a gun pulled on us today.¡±


    Emily giggles, ¡°Yeah, he told me already. Glad you¡¯re okay.¡±


    Emily doesn¡¯t care. I¡¯m alive so that is all that matters to her. She¡¯s infatuated with him so she doesn¡¯t care. ¡°What?¡±


    ¡°What?¡± She shrugs.


    I scoff. ¡°Emily, I could have died.¡±


    ¡°You¡¯re too cool to die, remember?¡± she¡¯s using something I said to her a few years ago against me now, huh? ¡°Cody, it¡¯s fine.¡±


    ¡°Is that why you kissed him?¡±


    Emily goes silent for a second, maybe two. She stands, ¡°You know about that? I thought we could kiss and be anyone we want. I thought that was the whole point of our pact. Why do you care now? You don¡¯t even want me in your life anymore.¡±


    ¡°I know, I know,¡± I look away. I¡¯m not comfortable here. I hate my insecurities exposed. ¡°I was scared okay? I didn¡¯t know what to think. Elizabeth died because of me. Because of all of us and what do I do? I push you away because I¡¯m too much of a pussy to admit that I can hurt you the same way.¡±


    ¡°You already did. You left me! I don¡¯t want to be alone, and you left me!¡±


    ¡°I know. I¡¯m shit, but you can¡¯t be with Andrew, he¡¯s insane!¡±


    ¡°But at least he cares. He likes me and I do too. We promised each other we wouldn¡¯t get in each other''s way. Cody, if this is you wanting to be with me, then just stop. We have a promise and it¡¯s not smart to break it.¡±


    Fuck the pact. Fuck this promise we made when we were kids. Who the fuck promises to marry each other when they turn 21 when they¡¯re 10? Who thought it was a good idea to be able to date other people until then? I did. I¡¯m an idiot. Not getting in each other''s way? What a joke. Elizabeth was insanely jealous of Emily. Ems¡¯ existence by itself got in the way. Elizabeth didn¡¯t die for one reason. It was multiple things piled on top of each other and this was just one of them.


    ¡°Cody, don¡¯t try to control me,¡± Emily sighs. ¡°You stand by me as my friend again. I miss you.¡±


    ¡°Okay,¡± is all I can manage to say.


    ¡°I have to meet Grace in an hour. I¡¯m gonna show her the camping site in the forest. Want to come?¡±


    I pause for a moment. I pissed off but I gotta stay close to Emily. ¡°Yeah. Let¡¯s go.¡± This is the only way I can win her back.

 Chapter 9: Dont Preach

    Andrew II


    October 7th, 2012


    Fuckin¡¯ A man, the past few days have been amazing. I kissed the girl of my dreams and convinced her to come to homecoming with me. I¡¯ve been getting paid at this drug dealing shit and my name is starting to grow. I couldn¡¯t ask for more. Nothing can fucking stop me, not even these ghosts that never leave.


    I put on my shirt and open my room¡¯s door to leave but Sara is standing on the other side. ¡°Where are you going?¡± she asks.


    I don¡¯t stop for her and head to the front door, ¡°Out.¡±


    She follows. ¡°I need to talk to you.¡±


    I sigh, stopping when I open the door. ¡°Can it wait? I have business.¡± and I leave it at that. I hear her shout my name but it doesn¡¯t matter; Acid doesn¡¯t like to wait. Sure, I want to hear her out but she¡¯s a big girl, whatever it is Sara can figure it out.


    Acid is in his black Honda smoking a cigarette. He¡¯s been waiting for me for two minutes which is far too long. He drives us to Seattle, in Capital Hill to be correct. The whole area is nothing but white rich folks. Acid rambles how the bill to make weed legal is 100% going to pass. I tell him the city¡¯s been growing, but passing the bill will further help it. The city will be too expensive to live in pretty soon.


    Acid chuckles as he stops by Dick¡¯s and grabs himself a burger before we get to work. Our first stop is a house not far from the Drive-in. I¡¯ve done this before, today should be no different. Acid asks if I have my gun on me but I don¡¯t need one. I don¡¯t need one to intimidate some upper-class bitch with bad financial decisions.


    I walk to the house and ring the doorbell. A dog inside goes into a frenzy and it¡¯s promptly told to shut up which it does after a couple of seconds. Some young guy opens the door, far too young to own this house. ¡°What do you want?¡± he says.


    ¡°It¡¯s time, mate.¡±


    ¡°You¡¯re new,¡± he scoffs. ¡°Where¡¯s the girl?¡±


    ¡°Not here to answer questions, just need the money.¡±


    ¡°Sure, sure,¡± the guy complies and pulls out the money he owes Lyle and gives it to me. ¡°See you in two weeks.¡±


    I don¡¯t say anything back and just walk back to the car. I love pickups like these; short and simple. I don¡¯t have to do anything and it flies by. This is how most of the day should go. At least I hope.


    Lyle runs a business. Aside from the drugs and other things he also loans people money. Part of my duties is to collect. It¡¯s a two-man job and it¡¯s usually Lye and Acid that do it. I don¡¯t understand why Lyle would personally get his hands dirty, but I¡¯m sure it¡¯s an ego thing. It¡¯s been a few weeks since I¡¯ve seen him anyways.


    What bothers me is why he asked for Elizabeth. He didn¡¯t know she was dead, besides and more importantly, they only met once. Shit, then that would mean that meeting turned into something more. The only reason Lyle would ever ask about someone if it¡¯s if they owe him money or is working for him. I wonder which is Ellie.


    ¡°What did Lyle want with Elizabeth?¡± I ask Acid on the drive to the next stop.


    ¡°Hmm?¡± he turns down the music. I repeat myself. ¡°Oh. He was just curious. Don¡¯t worry about it.¡± Acid was quick to brush it off as inconsequential. Something is up.


    I know I didn¡¯t have shit to do with her death. Ain''t my fault bitch was crazy. Still, if Lyle was involved that could fill the gaps of our knowledge. Elizabeth asked for Lyle to get direct contact with the drugs after Cody threw a fit and made us stop giving her stuff. She could have owed him money and couldn¡¯t pay it off. No. That doesn¡¯t explain the gun.


    She started to work for him. That¡¯s who that white boy asked about when he opened the door earlier.


    What the fuck happened then?


    It¡¯s no use to think about it now. I have a job to do. This one¡¯s on Queen Anne and on a fucking hill. Fuck I hate them. This time it¡¯s some mom. Her kids are playing some video games in the living room. She doesn¡¯t hesitate to give me the money and I only have to thank her. Shit, I don¡¯t know how people make shit so complicated.


    Fremont is up next. An apartment this time. Before I even knock I can already guess how this will go down. Sure enough, a crackhead answers. ¡°Time to pay up, yo.¡±


    ¡°Shit man. I don¡¯t have it all. Just give me a day or two,¡± he says but I don¡¯t listen. I don¡¯t wait for him to try to say anything else and instead I just beat him to the ground. It doesn¡¯t take much, just a couple hits to the head. For a crackhead, he keeps the apartment clean. I find his bag of coke on the living room counter and take it. I don¡¯t need anything else. What these people don¡¯t understand is that it isn¡¯t about the money that Lyle wants. He could give no shits about that. Maybe this guy will learn next time I¡¯m here but probably not. They usually don¡¯t.


    ¡°Not compliant?¡± Acid asks when he notices the blood on my fists.


    I toss him the bag and he puts it inside his blazer in a pocket somewhere. ¡°What¡¯s with the new guys? I haven¡¯t done this route before.¡±


    ¡°Don¡¯t matter.¡±


    But it does. I have a feeling this was Elizabeth¡¯s route. I wonder who she did runs with.


    I get home a little after two. Dad is once again passed out with a bottle of whiskey in his hand. I lie down on my bed and check all the messages I¡¯ve gotten throughout the day. Of course, none of them matter save for one person. That person is, of course, Emily. Just seeing her name makes my heart jump a beat. It¡¯s a shitty ass new feeling but fuck it.If you spot this tale on Amazon, know that it has been stolen. Report the violation.


    ¡°You have a second?¡± Sara enters my room.


    ¡°The fuck you want?¡±


    ¡°I want to go to Mom¡¯s grave.¡±


    Mom?


    ¡°Why?¡±


    ¡°I miss her.¡±


    I stare at her in disbelief. It¡¯s been years since we have been there. Mom; a ghost that haunts me. ¡°Okay.¡± I don¡¯t know why I agree.


    The neighbor is an old fart that is never home and always keeps his old Toyota in his driveway. He keeps the keys under the car with a magnet. I¡¯ve been driving this car ever since I discovered this fact. This is how we get to the cemetery on the outskirts of the town.


    ¡°Thanks,¡± Sara says as I park.


    ¡°What are you doing here?¡±


    Especially today of all days. Is something going on? I haven¡¯t paid attention to my sister for a while now. Last I heard she¡¯s fucking Lucas. Did they break up?


    Sara doesn¡¯t say anything and walks towards our mom¡¯s grave. Shit, it¡¯s been nine years now. None of us has been the same since. I stand about ten feet away from her as Sara stares at the grave. I haven¡¯t been here for about five years now. Part of me feels I don¡¯t want to explore those emotions again, but I know the real reason.


    ¡°She was so kind, wasn¡¯t she Andrew?¡±


    ¡°Huh?¡±


    ¡°Mom. She took care of us. She loved us and then one night, poof, gone.¡±


    What is she talking about?


    ¡°Do you have a cigarette?¡± My twin sister asks.


    I walk up to her and hand her one. I take this time to look at the grave. It¡¯s worn out by now. Angelica Mera. ¡°Do you need a light?¡±


    Sara shakes her head. ¡°I miss her. I want her to talk to her again. I want to know what to do. She always knew what to do.¡±


    Is she high? When did Sara start thinking Mom was a good person? She fucking killed herself in front of her for Christ¡¯s sake. Is Sara repressing all of that now? What the shit. ¡°Sara, you know-¡± I stop myself. Nah, after everything I think she needs this right now. ¡°I miss her too.¡±


    ¡°Elizabeth¡¯s death. That was my fault too, wasn¡¯t it?¡±


    I scoff. ¡°Of course not,¡± I look to my right where Elizabeth¡¯s grave should be. I see it faintly in the distance. Every gravestone is old and withered, except for hers. Her death has been the most recent. ¡°No one¡¯s at fault.¡±


    Sara chuckles, ¡°Didn¡¯t you get her pregnant? A lot of people blame you on that one.¡±


    ¡°Shit, I didn¡¯t know. And from what I heard, neither did she. What makes you think you were at fault?¡±


    ¡°I encouraged her to do all that coke and E. She talked to me about death and I just let it slide.¡±


    ¡°By that logic, we¡¯re all at fault.¡±


    ¡°Maybe. By the way, Did Cody ever talked to you about getting her pregnant? I still haven¡¯t heard anything.¡±


    ¡°Cody doesn¡¯t give a shit. You done here?¡±


    Sara nods, ¡°Yeah let¡¯s go.¡±


    On the way home I stop by the only 7-Eleven in town. Sara joins me and pays for her drink. The clerk here never pays attention and I just take the shit and walk out. Why give a shit?


    ¡°Ems told me you¡¯re taking her to homecoming,¡± Sara tells me when she enters the car. ¡°Wish you could take me but whatever.¡±


    ¡°You have Lucas, the fuck you need me for?¡±


    ¡°Whatever,¡± Sara sighs.


    I end up driving us to the town¡¯s park. This is where we spent most of our childhood. Thinking about it now I guess I was here to be away from home. I wonder how Sara feels.¡¯


    She sits on the grass of the hill that overlooks this shitty town. Sara holds the cigarette I gave her between her fingers and she just stares off into the distance. I¡¯m not an idiot, something is seriously bothering her. I could ask but that would be giving a shit.


    Do I want to give a shit?¡±


    Fuck. I don¡¯t know.


    I just stand a few steps away smoking my cigarette and wait for Emily to reply to my text. Maybe it¡¯s good for the soul to do this once in a while; to just sit somewhere and do nothing. Everything happens so fast in my life that I don¡¯t ever stop to think about things. But that would be giving a shit


    It¡¯s those fucking ghosts man. The past, the future, it¡¯s all a ghost here to haunt me. It just as Chris says, we worry too much about everything that is going on that we don¡¯t realize that none of it matters. That fucker¡¯s mind is something else. I know I¡¯m smart but shit, Chris is a whole different being. Like what the fuck does he know about these ghosts; about my mom, my father, my demons and this shitty fucking life I have.


    It¡¯s moments like these where I want to die.


    But fuck that shit bro. This is why I don¡¯t give a shit.


    These thoughts go away when Emily texts back.


    How long has it been since we spent most of the day together? Not since Mom died I think. I do a bump, then another. My sister sets one up for herself and laughs when I notice it¡¯s a fat one. We stare at this forest town together and say nothing. How long has it been since we enjoyed each other¡¯s company? How long has it been since I told Sara that she¡¯s the only person I care about?


    ¡°Why do you do it?¡± Sara asks.


    ¡°Do what?¡±


    ¡°Sell drugs.¡±


    I shrug. I thought about it a lot before. I would like to say I came out with a profound and justifiable reason why, but I can¡¯t. I just want to ruin lives and make other people miserable. I¡¯m viewed as this uncontrollable force of nature so that¡¯s the act I play. If the world wants to destroy me, why shouldn¡¯t I destroy it back? ¡°Because it¡¯s something to do,¡± I tell Sara.


    After Elizabeth¡¯s suicide, I had trouble sleeping. I had nightmares and felt hopeless. I even missed her. The world felt lonelier like it lost something it needed. I realized that these emotions made me weak so I cast them aside. Being miserable is being human and I¡¯m not trying to be human. I¡¯m leaving my humanity behind. Why the fuck do I need to be weak. Weak people die like Ellie and Mom.


    ¡°Do you ever think about stopping?¡±


    Like Lyle would ever let me. ¡°No. What¡¯s with the 20 questions?¡±


    Sara puts the cigarette in her mouth but doesn¡¯t do anything with it. She does this a lot. ¡°You ever think that we do this to ourselves? Like we blame our problems on everything else but ourselves.¡±


    ¡°Humans are too self-centered to ever admit their faults.¡±


    ¡°What about you? You¡¯re never scared of anything, Andrew. Do you admit your faults? I know you better than anyone.¡±


    Of course, I admit my faults. I rise above them. ¡°There isn¡¯t anything to admit,¡± I laugh. ¡°I¡¯m a piece of shit, Sara.¡±


    ¡°You¡¯re lost like the rest of us,¡± she says under her breath. Maybe she meant for me to hear her. ¡°Right.¡±


    ¡°What the fuck is up with you today?¡±


    ¡°I¡¯m just sad today,¡± Sara shrugs.


    ¡°You¡¯re being a pussy.¡±


    Sara laughs. I¡¯ve always enjoyed her laugh and it¡¯s a bit sad she doesn¡¯t do it often enough. ¡°Maybe, but it¡¯s okay. Everything is going to be okay soon enough.¡±


    ¡°That¡¯s the spirit!¡±I laugh and then get up. I raise my middle finger to the town, ¡°Fuck this world!¡±


    Sara gets up and grins with me. Together we flip off this world and scream, ¡°Fuck this world!¡±

 Chapter 10: Untitled

    Sara II


    October 12, 2012


    Today is the worst one of this week. I don¡¯t want to get up. Everything around me has no life anymore. Everything is just so stupid. Still, I have to get up so I don¡¯t have to deal with Dad. The daily routine; do a bump in the bathroom, strip down naked and stare at every little fucking imperfection in this disgusting body.


    Today¡¯s outfit is a black and gray flannel shirt tucked in my black cut up jeans to be shorts. Black high boots and the darkest make-up I can do. It ends up blending, it¡¯s the perfect mixture between pretty and bad bitch. Lastly, I put on my bead bracelets to cover up the marks on my wrists. I take one more look in the mirror. Bruised knees and a bloody nose, lovely.


    I made Emily wait outside for ten minutes just because I can¡¯t fucking stand myself in the mirror. Emily doesn¡¯t care, but Grace sure does as she complains that we¡¯re going to be late now. She¡¯s cute, Grace still has her innocence. I wonder how long that is going to last. The first bell rings as soon as Emily parks. Grace runs ahead to her class while I barely get out of the car. The sky¡¯s gray again.


    I drank too much and now my head¡¯s a pain. My hands are cold and I wonder why I even got out of bed at all. I don¡¯t want to be here at all. I want to run away. I want to say sorry. I want to disappear. I¡¯m trapped in my head and wrapped in thorns. I just want to be free.


    Here I am trapped in the past; wishing for something that¡¯s gone.


    I remember the day I spent with my brother. He took me to the cemetery then we stared down at the town after. We didn¡¯t talk much but it was the most peaceful I¡¯ve been in a while It makes me want to believe my brother is a good person deep down. Yet that¡¯s just another lie I tell to comfort myself. It¡¯s like how I would want to run away to be free from this cage when in reality the cage is something I built by myself. I can never be free from it because it is me.


    I¡¯m not even sure if I¡¯m even human anymore. I¡¯m just wasting time in a complex universe walking step by step aimlessly. I don¡¯t have dreams, I don¡¯t have something to look forward too. I don¡¯t even know why I¡¯m even here anymore. Any time I try to find myself all I find is dirt. I look at myself like I¡¯m art but I¡¯m garbage. I laugh in my head and think of something Cody once said in a freestyle of his. I breathe in carcinogens because I¡¯m car-sick again looking at this course through my head. That¡¯s exactly how I feel. I¡¯m just a carcass playing the part of being alive.


    Maybe one day I¡¯ll be able to fight this hell.


    Yet that¡¯s another lie to make myself feel better.


    I¡¯m not long for this world anymore. Elizabeth had the right idea.


    Once the breakfast leaves my body that¡¯s when the dry heaves start. That¡¯s what I looked forward too while Lucas took his time to finish up. To me, that pain is much more bearable than the five minutes right before. That pain makes things bearable again. The things I do to keep the only family I have on my side.


    Emily has been waiting right outside while the whole thing occurred. I don¡¯t deserve her as a friend. She¡¯s too caring and patient. ¡°You seriously need to stop and just tell Andrew you¡¯re gay.¡±


    ¡°And lose the only brother I have? No.¡± I tell her as we walk to class together.


    ¡°You¡¯re an idiot.¡±


    ¡°I¡¯m not the one going to homecoming with him.¡±


    ¡°Ha, ha, bitch,¡± Emily immediately laughs for real right after. ¡°It¡¯s just a fling, relax.¡±


    ¡°Oh, I don¡¯t care. How is Cody taking things?¡±


    ¡°He doesn¡¯t like it but at least we¡¯re friends again.¡±


    ¡°So by dating his friend that makes him want to be your friend again? Boys are odd,¡± I laugh.


    Emily joins too. ¡°I know but it¡¯s whatever. Things are finally going back to normal.¡±


    Normal, right.


    ¡°Are you going?¡± Emily asks once we¡¯re in class.


    ¡°I don¡¯t think so. Lucas really wants me to go. Wants us to be official, whatever that means.¡±


    Emily¡¯s eyes drop a bit. ¡°Sara, you have a nosebleed.¡±


    Somehow I didn¡¯t even notice the wetness above my lip. Emily pulls out some tissue of her bag and hands them to me. ¡°Thanks.¡±


    ¡°You okay?¡±


    ¡°Yeah, yeah. I¡¯ll be fine, I just gotta go to the bathroom,¡± this nosebleed is a big one I know it.


    The bell rings a bit before I get in the bathroom. My head leans forward as I watch the pool of blood flow down the sink. I don¡¯t do anything to try to stop it. At most I smear the blood all over my mouth and grin at myself.


    Eventually, the nosebleed stops on its own. I¡¯ve been staring down at the sink that time just passes without being able to keep track of it. I just hope Emily told the teacher where I was just so I don¡¯t have to explain myself.


    Three girls are standing by the lockers on my way to class. I recognize two of them almost immediately. It¡¯s Megan and her friend Amanda. They were Elizabeth¡¯s best friends before we became friends with her. They fucking hate our guts and especially hate me because I¡¯m fucking Amanda¡¯s brother. They¡¯re picking on some girl who¡¯s hair is covering her face. I recognize that it¡¯s Jana Kramer as I get closer.


    Jana was their friend as well right up until Ellie¡¯s death. She became a recluse and doesn¡¯t talk to anyone anymore. I don¡¯t see why they would pick on her.


    Out of all the things I don¡¯t want to do, this is one where I do. ¡°Don¡¯t you guys have something better to do?¡±


    It stops them right on their tracks. ¡°Yeah whatever, Sara. This doesn¡¯t concern you.¡± Megan says.


    ¡°Class is almost over, what are you doing here?¡±


    ¡°Fuck off.¡±


    ¡°Fine, but I¡¯m going to the office and telling them you¡¯re ditching again. Aren¡¯t you on probation, Amanda?¡± This narrative has been purloined without the author''s approval. Report any appearances on Amazon.


    ¡°Bitch,¡± Amanda mutters under her breath and walks away.


    Megan lets go of Jana Kramer, ¡°You know if it wasn¡¯t for your stupid brother you would get your ass beat too.¡±


    ¡°Yeah, whatever.¡±


    Megan scoffs and walks away.


    Jana gets herself upright and looks at me for a second. She¡¯s a mess. She used to be so cute, I even had a crush on her. She isn¡¯t the same person anymore. I don¡¯t look away because I expect her to thank me or something but she just walks away. I can¡¯t even get a ''thanks''.


    Emily wants to go out for lunch today but like everything else today, I don¡¯t want to do anything. I go outside the school and sit by a ramp on the side of the school where the football field is at. I just stare at nothing.


    I just want to cry and I can¡¯t even manage that.


    Is this really how I¡¯m going to spend my last days alive? I thought I would get one last hoorah. I thought I would try to be the light in everyone¡¯s lives so they can remember me with positive eyes. I thought I was going to be cheery and happy. Instead, I¡¯m withering under the sun, being slowly dried up until there is nothing less.


    A pair of legs stand in front of me and I look up to see it¡¯s Jana. She looks down at me and doesn¡¯t say anything. ¡°Here to say thanks?¡±


    ¡°Thanks,¡± she says and walks away.


    That enough is to bring me back to reality. The jocks are playing a game of touch football in the field. There¡¯s a bunch of girls watching them. The stoners are under the bleachers just hanging out. I doubt they would be stupid enough to smoke there.


    Somehow I feel like I belong.


    A bell rings. I don¡¯t know to which class. It doesn¡¯t matter. As I walk late to class I catch Megan again picking on someone else. This time she has Gracie pushed against a wall. Something inside me makes me act and I run over to her and push Megan off Gracie.


    ¡°What is your problem?!¡±


    ¡°You¡¯re really fucking with my flow today, Sara, you whore. Just leave this.¡±


    ¡°Gracie are you alright?¡± I ask and she nods holding her throat. ¡°What did Grace ever do to you?!¡±


    ¡°Leave, Sara. Now,¡± she sounds pissed.


    I just don¡¯t get why the teachers in this stupid school don¡¯t believe us when we tell them Megan and Amanda are just bullies to Grace. Telling a teacher won¡¯t fix anything. I have to step in. ¡°You need to leave Grace alone.¡±


    ¡°You need to mind your own business!¡±


    ¡°She¡¯s my friend, this is my business, bitch.¡±


    I don¡¯t see the fist but I feel it in my temple. It hurts and it pisses me off. They taught us in biology about the flight or fight response everyone gets. I always thought of myself as a runner, but my body decides to fight. I hit Megan back in the cheek and it staggers her. I hit her again in the shoulder then push her down to the ground.


    ¡°Hey!¡± I hear a strong male voice from afar. It¡¯s a teacher.


    They don¡¯t believe me that I was only defending Grace even with Grace as a witness. They don¡¯t even believe her that Megan was hitting her. Of fucking course, Megan is the school¡¯s golden girl. Now they¡¯re calling my father.


    After waiting an hour they tell me that I¡¯m being suspended for three days and I have to go home immediately. Mr. Scrotum tells me that I¡¯ll have to walk home as my dad¡¯s not coming. Good, I don¡¯t even want him to come to get me. He¡¯ll probably crash on the ride home.


    Word travels fast and Emily texts me soon after. I¡¯m pissed off, tired and hungry to even respond. I don¡¯t want to go home but there isn¡¯t anywhere else to go. Every place that¡¯s even remotely fun is too far for me to walk too. I don¡¯t have a choice.


    Dad is still passed out on the couch. He¡¯s like this more often than not. He drowns in the alcohol. It sounds appealing right now. I lie down on my unkempt bed and close my eyes.


    I like to dream I¡¯m in a place far from here where no one knows me. It¡¯s a place where I can reinvent myself and don¡¯t have to worry about anything else but myself. I¡¯m happy here, content that the negative thoughts aren¡¯t there anymore. I¡¯m alive here and things have color.


    I know that can¡¯t ever happen so I just wake up.


    I clean my bed, do my homework and then check the internet real quick. I check up on everything that¡¯s been happening through Emily. Apparently, Cody confronted Megan for picking on Grace today. My brother almost got caught smoking weed in the parking lot after school and now he¡¯s with Emily at her house with Cody and Grace. I could join them but there wouldn¡¯t be a point as I won¡¯t have fun. I never have fun anymore.


    I stand in front of the mirror, staring at my slim, naked and pierced body. I feel every rising Goosebump as I touch the soft ¡°Searching for Some Beautiful¡± text tattoos on my upper right breast.


    ¡°You¡¯re such a mess, Sara,¡± I say to myself as my nose starts to bleed. ¡°And your nose is bloody.¡±


    Again, I observe and touch each little bruise and cut. I look at myself straight in the eyes. My hair is all over the place, my mascara is running and blood is now falling into my mouth. The blackness spread all over my face as I rub my face with my hand.


    ¡°Sara!¡± My father screams out for me.


    Every single part of me sinks into the dark abyss that I call home. I get dressed and step out to the bathroom to greet my father. ¡°Yes?¡±


    ¡°Why the fuck were you in a fight today?!¡± My father stands drunkenly in the kitchen as he makes a sandwich.


    ¡°I was protecting my frie-¡±


    ¡°I don¡¯t care! What the fuck did I tell you about staying out of trouble you bitch!¡±


    Fuck. I hate these parts the most. I¡¯m so scared. Where¡¯s Andrew?


    He comes up to me and before I know it I¡¯m on the ground again. I don¡¯t even feel the fist he just threw at me. ¡°How many fucking times do I have to do this for you to fucking learn!¡±


    Again. He hits me again.


    And Again.


    I can¡¯t leave. Where would I go? Emily¡¯s dad would only let me spend the night over so many times. No one else would take me. I don¡¯t want to leave the city and live with some other fucked-up family. I don¡¯t have a choice. I don¡¯t¡­ all I have to do is to suck it up.


    I go limp and there¡¯s a moment of nothing.


    ¡°You look so much like your mother.¡±


    I can¡¯t think. What¡¯s happening? Why is he on top of me. What¡¯s going on? What¡¯s going on? Why is my shirt open?


    Oh.


    You¡¯re such a piece of shit for letting him do this. I mean, he¡¯s fucking raping you! What the fuck is wrong with you? All you have to do is tell someone and you could end all this madness. You make me fucking sick, Sara. No wonder daddy isn¡¯t daddy anymore. Mom¡¯s suicide is pretty much all your fault. You made Andrew into a piece of shit. That¡¯s your fault too, should have been there when he needed you. I bet you don¡¯t remember last summer when you took Lucas¡¯ dick in the ass. But oh no, you just had to enjoy eating out all the pussy in the four-ways and orgies. Compared to that, this isn¡¯t all that bad, huh? I wonder if Emily would stay your best friend, even a friend at all if she knew all of this. I bet you want to eat her pussy too, huh bitch? What about Grace¡¯s young jailbait pussy? I bet you want a taste of that, you whore. It wouldn¡¯t be too hard either, after all, she¡¯s just a stupid freshman who could be easily manipulated. I bet Andrew gets to her before you do. Nah, I hope he does just to watch you suffer. Oh? You like it when Daddy spanks you don¡¯t you? Yeah, you do you fucking slut. You are nothing but a worthless piece of a motherfucking faggot cunt shit. Oh yeah, it¡¯s getting rougher, isn¡¯t it?! Fuck yeah; take it like the bitch that you are, SARA! TAKE IT, TAKE IT, TAKE IT! YOU KNOW YOU LOVE THAT MOTHERFUCKING DISGUSTING COCK! Oh, it hurts, doesn¡¯t it? By the time you¡¯ll be finished with school your pussy will be fucking loose. NOBODY WOULD WANT YOU! And all you can do is cry and cry and cry. It¡¯s all because you¡¯re nothing but a weak fucking girl. Why haven¡¯t you killed yourself yet? Elizabeth and Mom did. It¡¯s really not that hard. The guy fucking you right now keeps his gun under the bed. DO IT FAGGOT! But you¡¯re too scared. That¡¯s why you snort Yay and pass out. That¡¯s why you drink heavily just like your stupid shit of a rapist father. All you do is hide. You¡¯re weak. Your existence in this fucking universe is fucking meaningless. Remember when you found Mom crying and her hands bleeding and you did nothing! Yeah, I bet you fucking regret that stupid night. Hmm, he finished. What a fucking disappointment. Clean your whore dirty body up and cry yourself to sleep you faggot.


    I hug my pillow as I scream into it. The tears have made it unbearable to even touch but I don¡¯t care. I don¡¯t care if someone barges in my room and sees me lying in my bed naked without any covers.


    I cry.


    And I cry.


    And I cry.


    And I cry.


    And I cry.


    And I cry.


    And I cry.


    And I cry.


    I need to die. Elizabeth made it seem all so easy.

 Chapter 11: Codependency

    Emily II


    October 13th, 2012


    For the first time in a long time, we¡¯re all together again. It was all Sara¡¯s idea when we learned Grace has never been in the city. Somehow I manage to convince everyone to go, even Cody. We get to to the city in the few options we do have. I take Andrew, Sara, and Grace with me in my car while Cody takes Chris. It¡¯s cloudy today and they say it¡¯s going to rain at night.


    Andrew dressed up nicely for once. I sure hope he would seeing as we¡¯re going to be seen together later in the night for homecoming. Since we¡¯re in Seattle a few hours before the sun sets, I¡¯m wearing my homecoming dress. Everyone else isn¡¯t going so they don¡¯t dress any differently.


    We take Grace around Pike¡¯s Place and check out some of the shops there. Once we¡¯re done we decide to walk down to the pier but Chris wants to check out the Gum Wall first. He¡¯s tripping again and wants to check out some of the pretty colors on the wall.


    ¡°Ew what¡¯s with all the gum on the walls,¡± Grace says as we walk down the alley. It took her a while to notice. It makes me laugh. It makes almost everyone laugh. The only ones who don¡¯t are Cody and Sara. ¡°Why is there so much.¡±


    ¡°It¡¯s a tourist attraction, ho,¡± Andrew answers her. ¡°It¡¯s just some dumb shit the City keeps. Shit¡¯s dumb.¡±


    ¡°I wonder how much gum is here?¡±


    ¡°Probably over 100 thousand,¡± Cody answers.


    Grace gets up close to examine everything. At the same time, I catch Sara stick her gum over a note on the wall. I was here, it says. She hasn¡¯t said a word today that wasn¡¯t in text. I wonder what¡¯s been going on with her for the past few days. She¡¯ll be fine. She¡¯s strong.


    We walk down to the pier as Andrew curses the air and expresses his hatred of hills. We end up on the pier closest to the newly open Ferris wheel. Andrew runs off somewhere and disappears. I lean over the railings with Grace and just watch the calmness of the sea.


    ¡°It¡¯s so beautiful, I never knew it would be this pretty,¡± Grace tells me.


    ¡°Yeah, I know. I don¡¯t come here often enough.¡±


    ¡°How much does the Ferris wheel cost?¡±


    I shrug, ¡°Don¡¯t know, it barely opened some time ago.¡±


    ¡°Want me to go check?¡± Cody says walking beside us.


    ¡°Yes please.¡±


    It¡¯s peaceful today. Even though the world is seemingly falling apart it¡¯s being held together by the small pieces of tranquility. I want to savor today, there won¡¯t ever be another day like this. We¡¯re just kids and we¡¯re finally doing something that kids do. We¡¯re just enjoying each other¡¯s company and talking about things that don¡¯t matter in the grand scheme of things. I¡¯m happy to be here.


    I haven¡¯t told anyone yet but my mother is coming home for a few days. My dad hasn¡¯t found a job and can¡¯t support me for much longer. Mom convinced him that it¡¯ll be better if I lived with her and my sister back in New York. I¡¯ll be leaving in a week. For some reason, I think Cody already knows but It wouldn¡¯t surprise me if he did. He somehow always knows what¡¯s going on. That¡¯s why I admire him so much. It¡¯s why I love him.


    I have to treasure everything I can because I won¡¯t be here soon. The Ferris Wheel only costs $13 for the memory.


    -


    ¡°Did you see that Facebook post, Carlos made calling out Megan¡¯s bullshit?¡± Cody asks Sara. Sara just shakes her head. ¡°Yeah, I guess he¡¯s tired of the bullshit too. It¡¯s splitting their clique in half.¡±


    ¡°Who gives a shit?¡± Andrew says. I didn¡¯t even notice he was back. ¡°They¡¯re all little bitches anyways.¡±


    -


    We¡¯re all standing in front of the fountain by the aquarium. The sun has begun to set.


    ¡°So what type of girls do you like, Cody?¡± Grace asks him.


    ¡°Why do you wanna know that?¡± He chuckles.


    ¡°What? I can¡¯t ask?¡±


    ¡°Yo, Yo, Yo I know what type of girls you like,¡± Andrew laughs.


    ¡°Then what type of girl do I like then?¡± Cody¡¯s smiling. He¡¯s having fun too. That¡¯s good. It¡¯s all I want.


    ¡°Remember that girl I was talking to, er, at that club one time.¡±


    ¡°The brunette?¡±


    ¡°Yeah, yeah.¡±


    ¡°Wait how did you get into a club?¡± I chime in.


    ¡°I have some pull,¡± Andrew laughs. ¡°Shit, you were mad that I was talking to her, remember? Man, she was mad thick.¡±


    ¡°You like thick girls?¡± Grace giggles.


    Cody''s eyes widen in shock. He¡¯s back to his regular self again. ¡°He¡¯s lying! Don¡¯t put words in my mouth, Andrew!¡±


    The maniac who I¡¯ve been finding cuter by the day just laughs.


    -


    We walk down back to Waterfront Park.


    ¡°How many people do you think jump into the water?¡± Grace asks. ¡°I was googling it and not much comes up.¡±


    ¡°Nobody is that crazy, Grace,¡± I tell her,


    ¡°They¡¯ll probably die if they tried,¡± Cody adds.


    ¡°Jump, Code!¡± Andrew yells.


    ¡°No, you.¡±


    ¡°Fuck it,¡± Andrew laughs. Before I even figure out if he¡¯s serious he¡¯s already running ahead of us and just jumps over the railing.


    Everyone screams his name and Sara is the first one to run to the water. We all follow right after and I don¡¯t see him anywhere. All that¡¯s there is the ripple leftover from the splash. Shit, everyone¡¯s wondering what¡¯s going on and is gathering around. Nothing happens and I start to think the worse.


    Andrew suddenly jumps his way unto the ladder that¡¯s connected to the pier. He¡¯s laughing so hard that it¡¯s a bit funny. Everyone stares at him like he¡¯s nuts, which he is, but damn is it funny.


    ¡°What the fuck is wrong with you?!¡± I yell at him when he gets back to the ground. ¡°You ruined your blazer and jeans!¡±


    Andrew just shrugs, ¡°I¡¯ll just go home and change before the thing, y¡¯ know?¡±


    It takes a few minutes before everything settles down.


    -


    ¡°I was like, make up your fucking mind.¡±


    ¡°I know, I just wanted to punch the bitch.¡±


    ¡°I didn¡¯t even know if she was gonna come. That''s why I didn¡¯t tell you were there.¡±


    -


    ¡°I think it was just Isaac and Sara who went to that. Sara, how was it?¡±


    Sara doesn¡¯t respond.


    -


    Andrew puts on a beat for Cody:


    -¡°Yeah, she said please listen like it was ever her decision


    My vision''s blurry, stumble ain''t no hurry to impeach Nixon


    Nah, I mean none, cuz like America I''m so fucking drunk


    So gone, vertigo, push the nympho to the pillow


    I''m a fucking weirdo


    Care to stay in limbo?


    Yeah, she said don''t leave her like I''m her hero


    I''m stuck bareback in this blizzardDid you know this story is from Royal Road? Read the official version for free and support the author.


    Words mumbled, tongue twister


    Twister high turns into lips blisters


    No, I mean feet blisters which burn more than the blizzard


    Go ahead and kiss her


    Fuck this winter


    Yeah, she said don''t go there like she has me in a wedding ring


    I''m up high in the skies soaring fly with some melting wings


    So lifted, unable to kill the king


    When In Rome, assume the throne


    Ego so might there''s no shadow to call home


    Know it all be okay because I have you waiting by the phone


    Waiting for me to come home and leave me alone


    Pave my blood into my gravestone


    Drink to four a.m. and wake up feeling worthless


    Go to work and sweat it all out by the first shift


    By five do it all over again because nothing is ever perfect


    Nothing is ever perfect, nothing is ever worth it


    Yeah, she said she''ll be there like she''s so fucking stable


    She''s fucking mental for being this sentimental


    I''m so fucking detrimental, might as well be the devil


    Yet she never says, ''be gentle''¡±-


    ¡°Fuck man! That shit was so dope!¡±


    ¡°Wow, you¡¯re really good at that.¡±


    -


    We sit by the benches near the Aquarium. Chris is rambling again.


    ¡°I mean, it¡¯s only a theory but it works in a way. Say you travel back in time and decide to do something that would change the availability of going back into time in the first place. It¡¯s the Time Paradox but not really. See the past can¡¯t be changed, and neither can the future. One because it already happened and the other because it has yet to happen. So what do you have left? You have the present, the now. You view the world through your own consciousness so you¡¯re always in the present. When you go back in time, that past in now your present, there is no loop. All you do is change the present in a different timeline that doesn¡¯t affect yours. You¡¯re always in the present, don¡¯t forget that. It¡¯s really that simple and I don¡¯t get why movies distort that. Well, I do, but it doesn¡¯t matter.¡±


    ¡°So why do movies not get it right?¡± Andrew laughs.


    ¡°Because we¡¯re the outside looking in. We don¡¯t know if time travel is possible so we don¡¯t write from the perspective of the person going back in time. If the movie was played in first person that¡¯s how things would play out otherwise it creates too many holes and most writers are just that lazy. Think Back to the Future 2. That movie doesn¡¯t make sense if you truly think about it.¡±


    ¡°You¡¯re nuts man,¡± Andrew laughs. ¡°Outside looking in.¡±


    This is the only thing I understand from the two-minute ramble Chris just went on.


    -


    ¡°Are you okay, Sara?¡± I ask her when she¡¯s staring at the sea again.


    ¡°I¡¯m fine,¡± she says quietly and weakly. ¡°I¡¯m just enjoying today.¡±


    -


    ¡°Do you want to get on the Ferris Wheel?¡± I ask Cody.


    I half expect him to say no, but he nods and starts to walk over there. I tell the guys we¡¯ll be back and only Grace and Andrew pay attention. Andrew is frowning, hopefully, this doesn¡¯t make him too mad.


    The sun has set a bit so the line¡¯s not as long and the view is going to be better. ¡°Are you mad?¡± I ask him as we move one couple ahead.


    ¡°The Andrew thing? No,¡± he chuckles. I¡¯ve known him my entire life so I know when Cody is lying.


    ¡°You know, if you really do have an issue with it, it''s okay to tell me again. I was just a mad last week. Your opinion is the most important one of all.¡±


    ¡°No, you were right. It¡¯s okay, deep down Andrew is a good guy.¡±


    I laugh. ¡°That¡¯s stretching a bit.¡±


    ¡°Maybe,¡± He laughs too. ¡°But you¡¯re your own person. I only care if you¡¯re happy.¡±


    ¡°I am.¡±


    We take our seats across from each other and slowly rise the air one car at a time. I stare at his hazel blue eyes. Everyone always says that Cody''s eyes are always watching, always protecting, often intimidating. They¡¯re right, he does have that aura around him. He is always watching, always observing. Yet when he looks at me, they¡¯re different. There¡¯s so calm, so tranquil. They¡¯re so warm. It¡¯s no wonder why so many girls have a crush on him.


    I can get so jealous sometimes. I just want to break our promise and be with him already but that would be the biggest mistake any of us could do. Sometimes I wonder how jealous he gets and if this promise does us more harm than good.


    He¡¯s turning 18 in a month and I¡¯ll join him in December. After that, we¡¯ll graduate and finally start to date. Then three years later we¡¯ll get married and live out our lives as we were destined the moment we met each other when we were four. This is the only thing that makes me believe in fate.


    But I¡¯m moving away in a week and I¡¯m trying to use this chance to tell him. I¡¯m scared that it¡¯ll ruin this fate and that it¡¯s not meant to be. Maybe he¡¯ll just move with-


    ¡°Are you thinking about the move?¡± Cody cuts my train of thought. He reads me so well.


    ¡°You know about that?¡±


    He justs nods. ¡°My mom told me. You worried?¡±


    ¡°Yeah,¡± I laugh nervously.


    Cody. Only I know the real Cody. He gets up just to sit next to me and holds my hand. ¡°It¡¯s going to be okay.¡±


    ¡°You sure about that?¡±


    ¡°I already thought it over. I¡¯ll just head over to New York once I graduate. I¡¯ll get a job and start selling my songs. It¡¯ll work out.¡±


    I burst out in short laughter. ¡°I hope it¡¯s that simple.¡±


    ¡°No, it really is.¡±


    The way he¡¯s holding my hand. He¡¯s lying again. It¡¯s eating him up inside. I rest my head on his shoulder and look towards the city then the sea as the ride starts. We don¡¯t say a word and just enjoy the moment together. I close my eyes.


    When we were only thirteen, we took each other¡¯s virginities. We thought it was the purest form of love we could have. We thought that it would be more comfortable with each other than with anyone else. The memory is still burned in my head. I can still see the night sky from above the treehouse.


    Going back even further, I remember the month I was hospitalized and everyone thought I was going to die. Cody refused to go to school because he never wanted to leave my side. He would wake come, come over and stay with me until his parents would force him to go home and then he¡¯ll do it all over again the next day. He was almost held back from the 5th grade because of it.


    Going back to my very first memory of him. My sister and I were playing in our front yard when this little boy falls from his bike in front of us. His brother was teaching him how to ride a bike and had let go when Cody didn¡¯t know how to stabilize himself. We met each other¡¯s eyes for the very first time when he got up. He didn¡¯t cry. Cody just stood his bike back up while his brother apologized. My parents saw the whole thing and came outside to make sure he was okay. That¡¯s how we first met. His first words to me were, ¡°You have a cool shirt.¡± I don¡¯t even remember what I was wearing. All I remember was knowing that I knew I was going to be friends with this boy.


    Of course, I still have my favorite memory of him. It¡¯s the day he gave me his black and red, rose bandana. Just under two years now.


    ¡°Do you remember the night I gave you your bandana?¡± Cody asks.


    ¡°Of course I do,¡± I smile and open my eyes.


    ¡°It¡¯s my favorite memory of us.¡±


    ¡°Mine too.¡±


    ¡°I can¡¯t believe it¡¯s been two years since I¡¯ve seen Jerrica. Is she coming too?¡±


    I shake my head,¡± She¡¯s busy with school.¡± I sigh, It¡¯s been two years since that night: equally the most stressful and calming night I ever had.


    ¡°Sad.¡±


    ¡°Hmm?¡±


    ¡°Is honest. Sad is honest. Don¡¯t you think?¡±


    ¡°Yeah,¡± I whisper.


    I look over to the sea. The sunset is reflected by the water making the complex of colors glimmer the world. The clouds in the sky hinder the beauty¡¯s potential, however. I think about where we would all be if Elizabeth wasn¡¯t gone. It still stings. It still feels like a knife is in my heart. No matter how hard I try, I can¡¯t get over the fact that we¡¯re responsible. All the signs were there and I didn¡¯t care. Maybe I should have taken the time to make sure she was doing instead of letting her fight her battle all alone.


    Isn¡¯t Sara going through something?


    I need to make sure she¡¯s okay too. She¡¯s been distant and quiet. I know her for going into depressive episodes but I don¡¯t think they ever have gotten this bad. Sara needs her best friend.


    The ride is over and Cody and I get off and walk over to the group. Andrew is balancing himself on top of the railing and jumps down as he notices us. Chris is talking to grace and Sara is nowhere to be found.


    Sara is gone. Andrew tells me she just went to grab a snack. I text her to make sure she¡¯s alright. I even tell her that tomorrow will be just the two of us. I¡¯ll figure out what she¡¯s going through and help her through it, whatever it is.


    I look at the time and realize that the dance is about to start. The clouds are getting thicker too. It¡¯s about time we should leave anyway.


    ¡°You¡¯re leaving?¡± Cody asks when I make Andrew come with.


    ¡°We¡¯re gonna be late!¡±


    ¡°Shit, Ems, there¡¯s no rush.¡±


    ¡°Cody, can you take the rest of the guys home?¡±


    ¡°Uh sure.¡±


    My car¡¯s not far so I take out my keys so I don¡¯t have to do it later. ¡°Are we stopping by your house so you change?¡±


    Andrew looks at himself and his still wet clothes, ¡°Yeah, but I¡¯m driving this time.¡±


    ¡°What?¡± He snags my keys before I can do anything else. ¡°You¡¯re gonna get my seat wet.¡±


    Andrew scoffs, ¡°I¡¯m not that wet. It¡¯s been two hours.¡±


    ¡°Yeah sure, whatever dude.¡±


    The first raindrops fall as we approach the car. Andrew likes to drive recklessly. He¡¯s never driven me and I would rather not let him ever again. I haven¡¯t been downtown a lot but I never liked driving through it. There¡¯s so much traffic and today it¡¯s somehow worse. We get trapped under every red light possible.


    ¡°I¡¯m surprised you haven¡¯t said anything about Cody and I going to the Ferris Wheel.¡±


    He shrugs, ¡°I never worry. I have you all to myself tonight, after all,¡± he winks.


    I laugh, ¡°You really do have everything under control, huh?¡±


    ¡°It¡¯s what I do, love,¡± he says without taking his eyes off the road.


    I catch myself smiling. Andrew¡¯s confidence is unmatched by anyone. Is that why I¡¯m so attracted? ¡°You really do like me, don¡¯t you?¡±


    He takes a second look off the road to look at me. ¡°What gave that away? Our kiss? Us spending the past two weeks together?¡±


    I giggle. ¡°I can¡¯t like a bad boy, it goes against what everyone expects from me,¡± I say sarcastically.


    ¡°You aren¡¯t exactly a saint either, Ems.¡±


    ¡°Fine, you get one kiss tonight, but you better make it special.¡±


    Andrew grins.


    The rain gets heavier and the roads are far wetter the more east we go. We¡¯re about the cross Lake Washington to Mercer Island and it¡¯s already been raining pretty hard here.


    I get a text and pull my phone out. Sara finally texted back. ¡°I only wish-¡± I stop myself when I read the message.


    ¡°What¡¯s wrong?¡±


    I don¡¯t think my brain registers it the first time, then it clicks. This is where the panic hits. My lungs shrink down and it becomes impossible to breathe. This isn¡¯t good. There isn''t a thing Andrew can do to calm me down. Cody¡¯s not here.


    I start freaking Andrew out. That only makes me freak out even more. ¡°Emily, Calm down!¡± he yells but it only makes it worse.


    I made a mistake. I was too late. I read Sara¡¯s text again and it makes everything a hundred times worse. Shit. Shit. Shit. Shit. I gasp for air but nothing comes in. I¡¯m dying. This is my fault. Everything is my fault.


    I¡¯m selfish. I¡¯m careless. I¡¯m alone. I¡¯m alone. I¡¯m alone.


    I don¡¯t want to be alone.

 End of Act 1: Short Term Memory Loss

    Elizabeth II


    ¡°Fine, you get one kiss tonight, but you better make it special,¡± she says.


    Andrew grins and gets excited. He¡¯s never felt like this before about anyone. When he was younger and was actually interested in learning, he studied day and night about human emotion, purpose, and thoughts. He never understood any of it because Andrew never got the chance to experience the feeling of ¡°love¡± and the loss of it. He hates that he¡¯s thinking about this now.


    But damn, I¡¯m just trapped in Emily¡¯s pulchritude, he thinks.


    ¡°I only wish¡­¡± Emily stops mid-sentence. In Andrew¡¯s peripheral, he sees her reading a text message. She has custom ringtones for each of her friends. The phone played Sara¡¯s favorite song.


    ¡°What¡¯s wrong?¡± he asks.


    Emily starts to breathe heavily and she¡¯s grabbing her throat. Oh shit. Andrew figures it out. She¡¯s having one of her stupidly massive anxiety attacks. Her eyes look like they¡¯re about to pop out and Emily starts to sweat like crazy. She starts gasping for air and he have no idea what to do. She¡¯s done this before with him, but Cody was there to quickly calm her down. Andrew tries to think about what Cody did but draws a blank.


    ¡°Ems?! Emily, calm down! You¡¯re okay! Don¡¯t worry, you¡¯re okay!¡± he calls out, grabbing her hand.


    Emily doesn¡¯t stop, but get worse and stops breathing. Andrew takes his eyes off the road as he enters the bridge to Mercer Island. ¡°Emily, calm down!¡±


    The roads are wet, they both can feel them. Andrew remembers something that his mother said. They were her last words: ¡°Death is always closer than your friends and things.¡± At that moment, he can feel time slow down as the car becomes out of his control. The car goes to a full-on spin. His heart stops and finally experiences terror in a long time. Emily starts to scream. The car flips when it crashes into the concrete wall and Andrew¡¯s head clashes against the window. Things start to get dark for her but Andrew looks at Emily one more time. Time goes to a complete standstill as the car does its final flip midair. Everything becomes silent to him and Andrew imagines Emily¡¯s scream is a laughter instead. Andrew can only think of one thing. Damn, I really want to kiss her.


    The rain reflects off the window and it looks as if it¡¯s dancing off of Emily¡¯s freckled skin.


    Cody feels the air and knows there¡¯s something not right.


    Emily somehow manages to crawl up the car and get out. She¡¯s quickly losing consciousness so she doesn¡¯t realize that the car is laying on this side so she falls flat to the ground when she gets out through the broken window. Her lungs can breathe right before the car tilts down and falls on top of her, crushing her.


    -


    The news sends shockwaves across Darkwood the moment someone from school spots Andrew being put in a stretcher. His name is Bo and he gets out of his standstill car to confirm. This is where he spots Emily and the news immediately posts the news on Facebook. Cody sees this news first. But Sara is nowhere to be found and he can¡¯t leave without taking her home.


    So he sits in his car with Grace and Chris waiting for Sara to text back. Cody can¡¯t even feel his heartbeat and isn¡¯t even sure he has one right now.


    ¡°Sara hasn¡¯t texted me back either, what¡¯s going on, Cody?¡± Grace asks without an idea.


    Chris grows suspicious of his friend¡¯s erratic breathing and calm panic. He checks his Facebook as well and learns of the news as well. ¡°Cody, we should go. Sara will be fine.¡±


    Against his better judgment, Cody obliges. Grace protests but Cody doesn¡¯t listen as he speeds off towards Mercer Island. The group soon encounters the slowdown caused by the accident and get to the scene twenty minutes later. By the time they arrive, the bodies have been taken away already. Cody panics and doesn¡¯t know what to do. He drops Grace home and speeds off to Emily¡¯s house. Her dad has already been informed and on his way to the hospital.


    ¡°Relax, call her dad and figure out where she¡¯s at,¡± Chris informs Cody. In the panic, Cody hasn¡¯t been thinking. It¡¯s good that Chris is here. He¡¯s the logical one right now.


    -


    Emily wakes up a week later with her handhold by Cody. She tries to remember what happened and recalls the crash. She remembers she caused it because she panics and she panicked because of Sara¡¯s text. ¡°Where¡¯s Sara?¡± She starts hyperventilating again. ¡°Where¡¯s Sara?!¡±Enjoying the story? Show your support by reading it on the official site.


    Cody is here this time and Emily calms down. ¡°Emily, you¡¯re okay.¡±


    Emily nods and calms down. ¡°What happened? Where¡¯s Sara? Is she safe?¡±


    Cody doesn¡¯t understand. How can she know about Sara? He quickly pieces it all together. Ems is the only person Sara would have told. This way they crashed in the first place. He should have just talked to Andrew but he was just so fucking pissed that he was driving Cody doesn¡¯t want to be his friend anymore. Andrew stepped too far out this time. It¡¯s bullshit how Andrew escaped with minor injuries while Emily almost ended up dying.


    ¡°Ems, Sara is missing. Nobody has seen her since she disappeared on us at the pier. Andrew¡¯s been out looking for her the entire week.¡±


    Emily thinks of the last text Sara sent her. ¡°Thank you for being my friends these past three years. I just can¡¯t handle it anymore. I hate everything about myself. I hate everything about living. Please don¡¯t hate me, I love you.¡±


    She begins to break down. Emily was too late.


    -


    Andrew has been walking the streets of Seattle for an entire week. The car crash is just a footnote to him. This is more important. There are no leads. No shop owner has seen her, she hasn¡¯t checked in anywhere. There is no trace of Sara anywhere.


    With no hope, Andrew contacts Lyle in hopes that his connections can find something. Andrew knows the costs of asking Lyle for a favor. He lays against the wall of a 7/11 and sits down. He¡¯s losing the only family he has. Andrew thinks of why Sara would disappear. Did he just misjudge how strong she was? Did something happen between her and their dad? He¡¯s always been a piece of shit since Mom¡¯s death but there isn¡¯t a thing he could have done without going to some shitty foster parents. He thought they could tough it out for one more year.


    It was nearly two weeks ago where they nearly spent the whole day together. All the signs were there. Why didn¡¯t he just fucking pay attention? She was so quiet and lost in thought. She was depressed and he just ignored it. He¡¯s such a fucking idiot. Andrew wants to cry but his ghosts don¡¯t allow him to.


    Andrew stares at the sky while he waits for Lyle to give him anything. Anything.


    He knows his sister is dead and Andrew closes his eyes wishing it isn¡¯t true.


    Everything he has ever done; all the fucked up shit he causes and took part in, this is his punishment.


    -


    Grace hears the news that Emily has woken up and gets her mother to drive her to the hospital. She¡¯s just glad her friend is alive and well. She heard rumors that Emily was crushed by her car and was thinking she was going to die. Her first friend was going to die, Grace didn¡¯t know how to handle that.


    She finds Cody sitting alone in the lobby. ¡°Is she going to be okay? Have you talked to her?¡± she asks him.


    Cody looks up to Grace. His eyes pierce her soul. It doesn''t matter how much she gets used to his eyes, they¡¯re just too **** captivating. ¡°Yeah, she¡¯s fine. She¡¯s talking to her mom and dad now.¡±


    ¡°What did she say to you?¡±


    ¡°She asked about Sara. That¡¯s the only thing that she cared about really. Emily, she uh,¡± Cody pauses unsure how to tell Grace. ¡°Got a text from Sara right before the accident¡±


    ¡°A text?¡±


    Cody can¡¯t believe it either. ¡°Sara¡¯s dead.¡±


    ¡°What?¡± Grace¡¯s heart shatters.


    -


    Chris jiggles the last of the Winter he was given by Acid. Everything is just a predestined path of iron and nails we all follow. There is no free will, not really. There won¡¯t even be true freedom. That¡¯s all Chris wants; freedom of consequence. Yet it doesn¡¯t matter how free he becomes, he¡¯ll always be a prisoner of his mind. Chris tosses the vial against the ground and it shatters.


    His friends are all in this state of despair while he stands outside of it, looking in. He knows all of the issues they face yet cannot interfere. Chris believes he''s a being outside time trapped in a perpetual state of infinity. Everything that can happen already has and there isn¡¯t a thing he can do about it.


    Chris knows he¡¯s insane but perhaps he never needed his sanity, to begin with.


    -


    Cody is with Emily¡¯s father in her hospital room. He¡¯s grateful at Cody for staying with Emily since kindergarten and how he values his as a son. It¡¯s meaningful, but it makes Cody feel like shit inside for ignoring Emily for the past few weeks. He was afraid of himself. It¡¯s just how when they were ten and Emily almost died from her disease. She¡¯s always had a weak and frail body. The car crash should have killed her. CFS has always been a thorn in their side.


    Cody holds her hand, hoping for her to wake up for ten split seconds like last time just so I know she¡¯s okay. It¡¯s been hours.


    ¡°You know, Cody,¡± Ems¡¯ father says behind him. ¡°I know how much she loves you; I know you love her back. I¡¯ve watched you two grow up together and become like brother and sister.¡±


    ¡°What are you saying?¡±


    ¡°I¡¯m saying that if you ever decide to marry my daughter, you have my permission. I know how talented you are so I know you can live successfully for the both of you.¡±


    Cody is lost at words. Ems¡¯ father is the last person he expected to say that. He¡¯s usually doesn¡¯t talk about their relationship and hell, even talks to Cody that much. Cody always found him to be distant. ¡°Thank you, Mr. Crow,¡± is all he can say.


    ¡°I convinced Emily to go with her mom to New York. She¡¯ll be leaving as soon as they release her from the hospital. I¡¯m just tired of this town Cody. It¡¯s not a good place for her. I don¡¯t want to split you guys up but there isn¡¯t any other choice.¡±


    ¡°It¡¯s okay. I get it.¡±


    ¡°They''ll be there sometime tomorrow.¡±


    Cody clenches his free fist. This is how things end.


    -


    And I''m still dead; slowly being forgotten by the sands of time. My friends are all breaking down and there is nothing I can do to help them. There are a lot of things I regret and one of those things is never truly getting to say goodbye.


    In death, there is only awe.

 Chapter 12: The End

    Sara III


    The room¡¯s dark.


    My limbs are cold.


    My throat¡¯s closed. It¡¯s desperately is trying to find any moisture that it can. It burns and it¡¯s strangling me. My eyes are not any better. I can¡¯t see them but I can feel them. It¡¯s like their buried in sand and I can¡¯t close them. I¡¯m bleeding somewhere. I can¡¯t tell anymore.


    All I wanted was to die, but this is worse.


    I¡¯m given a cup of water and a plate of nothing but rice. I think this is the only thing I get for the entire day. I can¡¯t tell the days from nights. This room is far too dark for me to keep track of time. I think it¡¯s been a week, maybe two. Does it matter? I¡¯m trapped here. I¡¯m being tortured and I don¡¯t even know why.


    A light shines from the only door in the room, then it opens. A shadow walks in and stands in front of me. ¡°They haven¡¯t been giving you enough water,¡± he says. His voice is dark but smooth. He¡¯s kneeling in front of me but I can¡¯t see his face.


    A glass cup is placed in my hand. Half of the waterfalls on my face rather than my mouth. Still, it¡¯s enough to free my throat from suffocating me.


    ¡°Do you know where you are?¡±


    I don¡¯t answer.


    ¡°Do you know who I am?¡±


    I don¡¯t answer.


    I just want to die.


    ¡°See we planned to mentally break you so we can build you up to serve me. Then we found out something interesting and it made everything you¡¯ve gone through pointless.¡±


    My eyes begin to adjust to the light that¡¯s coming through the open door. I can see the man¡¯s eyes. They¡¯re stone blue. They¡¯re cold. I¡¯m scared. This is the most light I¡¯ve seen in days. I realize that I don¡¯t even remember most of my time here. Did I mentally blocked everything out?


    ¡°Still, you have a purpose and you¡¯ll live. You should thank me though. I¡¯m the one who brought you here after I found you in the alley bleeding out,¡± he laughs. ¡°You¡¯re pretty stupid. They¡¯re much easier ways of dying than to cut your wrists.¡±


    I don¡¯t understand.


    The man gets up and leaves the room. He leaves the door open and the light never goes away anymore.


    My legs are shackled by chains connected to a singular pole that connects the floor and ceiling in the middle of the room. My hands are covered by dried up blood that came from my fingernails. What have I been doing when I wasn¡¯t thinking.


    That¡¯s right. After a while a just stopped thinking. It was easier than to feel everything. So I did mentally checked out. Good. Shit, why couldn¡¯t I just die? It would have been easier for everyone. It was supposed to be so easy.


    I can still feel everything that I felt while my blood was traveling down the pavement. My hands were burning and I could feel the heat of the blood leaving. It was so painful and yet it felt like all the weight on my shoulders was leaving. I felt my soul leaving my body.


    How was I kept alive?


    My wrists wrapped in bandages.


    A man walks into the room sometime later. He¡¯s taller and more built than the previous one. He sets down another tall glass of water beside me. As I¡¯m a bit more careful drinking it, he unlocks my chains.


    ¡°It¡¯s time to go,¡± He says lifting me by the arm.


    Everything hurts. Everything wants to break and I think I scream. I can barely walk. The man has his dark hands wrapped around me as he carries me into the light, where it¡¯s just a hallway. It¡¯s nothing but gray. Then past the always in another door. It opens and the sound of the city explodes. All the sounds come in at once that it all sounds like a giant horn.


    The man lets me go and another body wraps itself around me. I look around and everything is such a blur. I can¡¯t see and can¡¯t hear anything. I stare at the man in front of me and he seems familiar yet I don¡¯t know who he is.


    Sounds start to come back. ¡°She¡¯s been out of it for the past couple of days. She should go to the hospital. Tell em you found her in an alleyway,¡± The large black man says to the smaller guy hugging me.


    My vision clears up, ¡°Sara, I can¡¯t believe you¡¯re okay! Jesus fucking christ I thought you were dead!¡± His voice calls me. His. It¡¯s Him. It¡¯s Andrew, my twin brother.


    He¡¯s here. My brother is here to take me home now. Everything is okay now. I can¡¯t believe it¡¯s over now. I¡¯m so happy. What is this? I haven¡¯t smiled in so long. Why can¡¯t I always feel like this? I¡¯m just so fucking happy right now. I hope I¡¯m crying. I really do want to cry right now.


    Andrew takes me to the hospital. I learn that it¡¯s impossible to talk right now so I can¡¯t answer his questions. ¡°What happened? Why did you disappear? How did Lyle find you? Were you hurt?¡± The most I could do was a nod or shake my head.


    The hospital staff feed me, bathe me and make me feel human again. They ask me all sorts of questions and I answer all of them once I¡¯m able to speak. They ask me why I ran away. This is the only thing I don¡¯t answer, so Andrew answers for me. ¡°She was being bullied at school and felt she was alone. I failed her.¡±Support the author by searching for the original publication of this novel.


    My father comes one day. The second I see him my body locks up. He doesn¡¯t say anything and instead chooses to just fucking stare at me. I can have his shitty ass locked up for what he did, so why am I so fucking afraid. I can¡¯t move.


    ¡°Find somewhere else to live. I don¡¯t want your deadbeat ass,¡± is all he says after minutes of silence. ¡°You¡¯re leaving here as soon as they let you.¡±


    So this is it huh? I¡¯m just homeless now? I can call child services, hell I even think the hospital did so why didn¡¯t they find anything wrong? I¡¯m just doomed to have a miserable life. There¡¯s no point in staying alive. Even if Andrew stays by my side, how long will he give a shit? He¡¯ll just abandon me once he learns I¡¯m gay. Once that happens I¡¯m done for.


    I don¡¯t have a purpose.


    Then Grace walks into my hospital room. She hasn¡¯t changed. She¡¯s still the little twerp with glasses a bit too big for her head. She¡¯s genuinely happy to see me. Her light somehow enters my void of nothingness.


    ¡°I¡¯m so glad Andrew finally found you!¡± She smiles. ¡°I miss you so much.¡±


    ¡°Grace¡­¡±


    ¡°We all thought you were dead. I was so scared.¡±


    Somehow her words make me giggle. ¡°I¡¯m here.¡±


    ¡°Yeah!¡± She grins. ¡°Listen, if there¡¯s anything I can help you with just ask. You¡¯ve already helped me so much and never asked for anything in return. You¡¯re the only friend I really have left.¡±


    Only friend? ¡°Where¡¯s Emily?¡±


    ¡°Oh, Andrew didn¡¯t tell you¡­¡± Grace pauses and nervously plays with her hands. ¡°Emily¡¯s in New York. She lives with her mom now.¡±


    Grace tells me what happened. She doesn¡¯t know that Emily had a panic attack because of me. Again, it¡¯s my fault. I¡¯m just destined to ruin everyone¡¯s lives. I¡¯m better off dead. I should be dead.


    Grace and I talk for a bit. She tries to cheer me up after learning Emily moved to New York. It¡¯s been about a month since the accident. I¡¯ve have been gone that long, huh? I want to apologize but I don¡¯t have a phone anymore. I tell Gracie to tell Emily that I¡¯m sorry for scaring her like that. She obliges and Emily calls a few minutes after the text is sent.


    I apologize in person again. She cuts me off, ¡°No! I should have been paying attention to what you¡¯ve been going through. I¡¯m the one who¡¯s sorry.¡±


    Emily is too good for me. ¡°I¡¯m going to miss you.¡±


    ¡°I¡¯ll miss you too, but I¡¯ll come and visit when I can!¡±


    After Grace leaves, I¡¯m left alone for a while. I¡¯m able to think for a bit. I have to be alive for a reason. I just have to. There isn¡¯t a reason why I am if it¡¯s not destiny. Maybe I can become stronger so I don¡¯t ever have to feel like this anymore.


    No. I¡¯ll never be strong enough.


    Andrew walks in sucking a bag of Capri Sun. ¡°You know, Dad kicking you out kind of works out doesn¡¯t it?¡±


    ¡°He told you?¡±


    Andrew sits beside my legs. ¡°Now we can call child services on his ass but we¡¯ll both get moved to places we don¡¯t need or want. I don¡¯t need the stress of that right now and we have a year until we¡¯re 18 anyways. You hate living at home so it works out a bit.¡±


    ¡°Where am I going to live? You¡¯re forgetting that part.¡±


    ¡°Easy,¡± Andrew shrugs. ¡°Ask Emily¡¯s dad. He don¡¯t got a daughter anymore.¡±


    ¡°He never liked me in the first place.¡±


    ¡°What about with Isaac? Wait no, he¡¯s gay and I¡¯m afraid you¡¯ll go gay too, uh,¡± Andrew takes a drink. ¡°Grace? Her parents are stacked have you seen her house?¡±


    ¡°It¡¯s just her and her mom.¡±


    ¡°Really? In a house like that?¡±


    ¡°Her mom works at a hospital and is never home. I doubt she¡¯ll take me in.¡±


    ¡°Don¡¯t know ¡®til you ask, in fact,¡± Andrew jumps up and tosses his Capri Sun into my hands. ¡°I¡¯ll ask her for you, B-R-B.¡±


    ¡°Andrew!¡±


    There¡¯s no arguing with my brother. He leaves as soon as he arrived. He drives a good point that I haven¡¯t thought about. Dad doesn¡¯t want me in the house anymore and I don¡¯t want to be there after what he¡­


    I¡¯m scared.


    I¡¯ve been so scared this entire time.


    I¡¯m still scared.


    I wrap my arms around my legs and clench myself together. What is wrong with me? Why am I so weak. Why can¡¯t I be like mom? She was so nice, cheerful and calm. Why did she have to die? I miss her. I want a cigarette.


    Hours later a pretty woman with brunette hair walks in. She looks familiar, sort of like¡­Grace. She¡¯s just an older Grace. This must be her mom. ¡°Hi,¡± I greet her.


    ¡°Hey there, you must be Sara. Grace has told me a lot about you. I¡¯m Virginia, her mother.¡±


    ¡°Nice to meet you.¡±


    Virginia¡¯s aura feels warm and light. It¡¯s just like Grace¡¯s. I don¡¯t feel as tense which is good. Sometimes it¡¯s really hard to realize how much my body can relax.


    ¡°I think I ran into your brother in the lobby earlier. He came to me with a weird request.¡±


    ¡°Oh, that? Don¡¯t worry about it, he doesn¡¯t know what he¡¯s talking about,¡± I scoff it off. It¡¯s quite embarrassing.


    I catch Virginia looking at my wrists and I quickly hide them. ¡°Grace was really worried about you. She told me you went missing and begged me to bring her here when she found out you were here. You¡¯ve been good to her, so you have my thanks.¡±


    ¡°Oh, uh, no problem.¡±


    ¡°I¡¯m really sorry for everything you been going through. It¡¯s just, what your brother said, it¡¯s unreasonable. I don¡¯t know you so I can¡¯t take you in.¡±


    ¡°It¡¯s okay, I understand. It was a crazy idea anyways.¡±


    Virginia sits in the only chair in the room. She examines me. Her eyes match the intensity of what Cody¡¯s eyes can do. Just what the hell did Andrew tell her? ¡°So tell me about yourself. Why are you here? Why did you run away?¡±


    Wait, is she serious?


    ¡°If you lie to me I won¡¯t take you in.¡±


    She¡¯s serious. She¡¯s absolutely serious.


    ¡°I...There¡¯s something,¡± I pause because I¡¯m fumbling over my words. I want to tell her everything and I don¡¯t even know why. My fear stops me again. ¡°There are some things I¡¯m not ready to talk about.¡±


    ¡°It¡¯s okay,¡± Virginia smiles. It calms me down. ¡°You don¡¯t have to tell me everything, but I do need the truth.¡±


    I close my eyes. Everything inside tells me I can trust Grace¡¯s mom. There are a lot of things I never admitted to myself. I think there are a lot of things I have yet to admit. ¡°I¡¯m addicted to cocaine,¡± I start.


    Ever since Elizabeth''s death, I doubled down on how much I did. The only way I could afford it is because my brother just has pounds of it lying around and gives it away when he wants. I think it was my way to cope. Not just about Ellie, but with everything else. My father likes to beat me. Andrew doesn¡¯t know or at least I don¡¯t think. He doesn¡¯t know I¡¯m gay either and I¡¯ve forced myself to do things to keep the charade of being straight. I fucking hate myself so much. There¡¯s just so much fucking self-hatred that I can¡¯t stand it.


    Life hasn¡¯t been the same since Mom died.


    That¡¯s why I do so much coke.


    Then there was that night¡­


    He crossed a line I never thought. I want to throw up. I don¡¯t tell Virginia this.

 Chapter 13: Birth of a Fish

    Chris II


    December 21sth, 2012


    Hello friend.


    I know you been watching me. You¡¯ve been watching us; judging us, maybe even laughing at us. I know that you¡¯re the outside looking in and I can prove it. How? Well, I¡¯m talking to you now, what more proof do you need? I don¡¯t know what you¡¯re thinking but I have a pretty good idea of what. Yeah, I¡¯m really doing this. You think I¡¯m insane, aren¡¯t you?


    Well, you¡¯re right.


    I haven¡¯t been right since I explored the outer-consciousness. It¡¯s a scary road to travel and not many people do. It¡¯s either too terrifying or they¡¯re too stupid to comprehend it. I¡¯m pretty positive you fit into these two types of people. Don¡¯t be offended, chances are I¡¯m right. It¡¯s okay, it¡¯s not a journey I would recommend taking. Just look at me. I¡¯m a mess. I don¡¯t know if I am real. Care to tell me?


    See this is the downside of being on the inside trying to look to the out. I don¡¯t have the models and knowledge to fully understand everything. But you do, right? You know everything because you observe us. You know all of our problems, our struggles, and our issues. If you have been observing up until this point I bet you want to know why Elizabeth died. That¡¯s one advantage of being in our box, we can withhold information. See I may be inside this box but I still stand outside relative to my friends. I know much more than they do as I observe their lives as well.


    They¡¯re all broken people. Don¡¯t worry, I¡¯m not being hypocritical. I¡¯m broken too.


    Cody has been my friend since kindergarten. He likes to observe too although he lacks the rationality to make good decisions. He likes control and gets mad when he doesn¡¯t. He¡¯s a good guy although he gets way over his head a lot. Cody¡¯s mistakes tend to leave him feeling alone and usually blames himself. He¡¯s the only one who knows how much I sandbag. We only talked about it once. He asked, ¡°How come you don¡¯t try at school? You¡¯re still the same grade as us, what¡¯s the deal?¡±


    It was a simple answer. I understood a lot of things at a young age. ¡°I don¡¯t want to be known.¡± It is the answer I gave him. I understood the pressure of being a prodigy and decided that I should just fit in with the crowd. For the most part, it worked although it was very boring. I understand that boredom is the reason why I¡¯m talking to you right now.


    I met Emily when we shared a class in Middle School although I knew about her through Cody. She¡¯s even more broken than Cody. Emily is kind but she¡¯s easily discouraged and doesn¡¯t try to apply herself in the things she wants. This makes her have a weak mind and body. She cares a lot about her friends but her selfishness often gets in the way of seeing what¡¯s in front of her.


    For example, what happened to Sara. I saw Emily growing more and more concerned about her during the day Sara disappeared. Yet Emily just wanted to have fun at the dance and decided it would be okay to wait a day to be her friend. I wouldn¡¯t doubt its eating Emily inside. I haven¡¯t talked to them since the accident so I wouldn¡¯t know where they¡¯re at right now. I hear Sara is out of the hospital though.


    She¡¯s the one I like the most. Sara¡¯s heart is the best out all of ours but it¡¯s so broken I don¡¯t think it could ever be repaired. Maybe I¡¯m wrong and it¡¯ll take a long time but I don¡¯t see it happening. Sara likes to blame everything on everyone because she doesn¡¯t know she has clinical depression. I¡¯m not a doctor but I¡¯ve read extensively on psychology and she fits all the signs. I can even pinpoint the cause of everything I¡¯ve observed. Sara¡¯s depression comes from her mother. Either it came from her death or genetically but I¡¯m fairly confident in this assessment.


    Andrew is self-destructive because of this too. He doesn¡¯t have any dreams or ambitions. He doesn¡¯t want to achieve anything or want anything in his life. He¡¯s pure chaos. Andrew just wants to have as much fun as he can. If he ever found something he wanted I have no doubt he can get it. He¡¯s smart enough and strong enough to do whatever he wants but he holds himself because just because he feels his life doesn¡¯t have value.Support the creativity of authors by visiting Royal Road for this novel and more.


    Now, Grace is the new person in the group. She¡¯s still mad at me for drugging her. I know It wasn¡¯t a good move but I tried to stop her from being friends with us. We¡¯re no good for her. We¡¯re going to kill her. She¡¯s gifted with innocence yet she¡¯s throwing it away to fit in. She¡¯s just like everyone in this town. All she wants is to find closure with Elizabeth.


    But that¡¯s why you¡¯re here, right? You want closure too.


    You have been observing us all this time and yet still don¡¯t know why she killed herself. Everyone keeps saying they don¡¯t either and they all have their ideas. Cody and Emily think it''s their fault. They think Elizabeth was jealous of them and when Cody snapped at her that was the breaking point. Everyone thinks she was doing too many drugs, Sara especially. It¡¯s all fair points but nothing explains where she got the gun she used. Hell, it even interests me as well.


    If you¡¯re hoping that I know well you stuck around long enough for me to tell you that I do. The gun came from Lyle, the headmaster in our little drug operation. I only met him a couple of times but I know it the gun came from him. I don¡¯t have any proof but I know Elizabeth made contact with him as well. Andrew texted me some ideas and it just confirms my suspicions.


    Now, I don¡¯t know why she killed herself.


    That¡¯s up to you to figure out.


    Maybe you¡¯ll find out once Grace finds out as well and she gets her closure.


    Elizabeth was the golden girl of Darkwood. She was the most popular girl in school despite never doing any recreational drugs. Ellie was your typical cliche of a queen yet she was easily influenced by others. When she hung out with her friends she was materialistic and just as mean as they are. When she was with us she was able to express herself more freely because we allowed her too. This opened the floodgate as we all collectively influenced her to go deeper and deeper into the rabbit hole. We killed her.


    But now with all this new information, can you figure out why she felt she couldn¡¯t be alive anymore?


    I figured it out, just now actually.


    Then again, I¡¯m withholding a lot of information from you. It¡¯s the only advantage I have over you, friend. Life is mundane and ever since I figured out you exist I want to keep playing this game.


    Entertain me.


    That¡¯s all there is to this, isn¡¯t it? Entertainment? You¡¯re observing us for your entertainment because you have nothing better to do. Maybe you do, maybe you don¡¯t but you¡¯re still here and I¡¯ve been talking this entire time and it¡¯s been one empty black room. Allow me to show you what I see.


    I¡¯m sitting on the couch in my living room. To my left are my parents. My mother''s in the kitchen making a phone call to her business to get a logistical issue sorted out. My father is sitting on the reclining chair watching ¡®Altered States¡¯ with me.


    We live in a two-story house with a basement that my dad uses as a home theater. They make good money but are hardly ever home. As long as I stay out of trouble they leave me alone and I leave them alone in return. It¡¯s not a real loving family and I¡¯m okay with that.


    Dad likes to spend his free time messaging women in dating apps from his phone that I hacked. His password wasn¡¯t hard to figure out. Seahawks1995, his favorite team and the year I was born. He doesn¡¯t cheat on Mom but he likes to flirt because it makes him feel young. Mom isn¡¯t any better. She¡¯s a businesswoman who doesn¡¯t have much time for anything. I see her about once a week. She likes the funny nonsensical memes that are posted on Reddit.


    Still, they did the best they could do with the mistake they made. It makes for a good dynamic that works well. They didn¡¯t fight while I was growing up and both gave me the attention I needed. Mom suspects I have more potential than I show but leaves me alone because she understands I like to do things at my own pace. Dad stopped trying to relate to me when he found out we have nothing in common.


    What about you?


    How are your relationships with your parents? I hope it¡¯s well but statistically speaking that isn¡¯t the case. We get so caught up in our own lives and we get used to them so much that we forget they¡¯re people too. They have thoughts and emotions and we often take them for granted. We like to blame them for messing us up but we don¡¯t stop and think about how it affects them as well. Sure you got your outliers who are just shitty parents for the sake of shitty parents but I¡¯m not talking about them. It¡¯s important to have a good relationship with the people that gave birth to you, it builds the foundation for all your future relationships. One of the common denominators of Darkwood is the lack of involved parents. Over half of them work in Seattle and usually spend some nights there. It makes Darkwood an exceptionally good place to get fucked up.


    Well, friend, it¡¯s been fun talking to you. Cody texted me asking to hang out so I guess I¡¯ll do that for a while. I hope you stick around, maybe I¡¯ll even give you a name.


    Maybe in return, you¡¯ll be able to break me free from my chains.

 Chapter 14: So Soon

    Cody III


    December 24th, 2012


    One of the things that Emily and I used to do was sit in the treehouse and wait for Christmas to hit the clock. We have never missed a year since the treehouse was built when we were eight. Sitting inside alone only makes me remember the very first memory I have of Emily. The day that we met before kindergarten even started.


    Not long after that, we started to play outside together. We would explore the woods together, get lost together and have sleepovers all the time. We are the cliche lovers from childhood. We¡¯re destined to have this happy ending.


    It is just never that easy.


    Now I¡¯m sitting on this stupid treehouse feeling like my heart has been shot with an anti-material rifle. It¡¯s difficult to breathe. I feel the same as when I thought Emily was dead in that car crash and I went berserk on Andrew. It was the same feeling when Emily was dying when we were little. She had her stupid sickness and didn¡¯t get better for a long time. Don¡¯t think I ever been so afraid in my life before. And it¡¯s the same feeling when I found out Elizabeth has been doing Meth just to get over the guilt of cheating on me.


    Yeah, Elizabeth. I should¡¯ve never gotten myself involved with the girl. She was a prude, the perfect girl and I twisted her into getting fucked up. Andrew and I never told anyone what happened that summer. I don¡¯t think I ever will. Not with everything that happened between us and Lyle.


    Chris climbs up the tree. Lately, I felt that he¡¯s been out of touch with reality so we haven¡¯t hung out much since Elizabeth¡¯s death. ¡°You okay?¡± he asks.


    I nod my head, ¡°Just following tradition.¡±


    ¡°She¡¯ll be back,¡± he says, sitting next to me and lighting a cigarette. I didn¡¯t know he started smoking. ¡°It¡¯ll be okay.¡±


    ¡°Right¡­¡±


    ¡°Did you hear about what happened to Sara?¡±


    I nod, thinking back how she disappeared for a month and a half. I heard Andrew tore up the entire state apart just to find her. ¡°She okay?¡±


    ¡°She¡¯s living with Grace now.¡±


    ¡°What do you know about Grace? Do You know why Emily became friends with her?¡±


    Chris shrugs, taking a drag from his cigarette. ¡°She wanted Grace to try and have a normal life. It¡¯s Elizabeth all over again,¡± he says, sending a slight chill to my spine. ¡°She likes you.¡±


    ¡°Does she?¡±


    ¡°She blushes every time anyone mentions you. She thinks she can hide it but it¡¯s pretty obvious.¡±


    ¡°Oh.¡±


    ¡°Yeah.¡±


    ¡°How are you then? Gotten any better?¡±


    ¡°I think so,¡± Chris exhales, finishing the last of the cigarette in a short time. ¡°I fucked myself up thinking I could handle it,¡± he chuckles. I do too. ¡°Guess I wasn¡¯t smart enough to know my limit.¡±


    I laugh a bit more. ¡°Hey, remember when the two of us were up here to watch over Emily¡¯s first trip?¡± Chris nods and I see a hint of a smile. That rarely happens. ¡°Ah, we were fucking idiots back then.¡±


    ¡°Still are¡­¡±


    ¡°Ha, yeah. I guess. Talked to Andrew?¡±


    ¡°He¡¯s around. He¡¯s running around with Lyle again, the idiot.¡±


    ¡°It¡¯s just gonna get him killed.¡±


    ¡°I think that¡¯s what he wants.¡±


    Andrew. He¡¯s the devil. He¡¯s been the devil ever since his mother¡¯s suicide when he was eight. Andrew ran around Middle School learning everything he can about crime. I remember watching him start to sell stolen drinks from convenience stores back when I was 13. We weren¡¯t friends then, but I always knew the kid was reckless and stupid. He¡¯s either gonna grow up or become an extremely dangerous person in the future. It¡¯s better to cut off ties with him now.


    On the day of the crash, he said that he isn¡¯t sorry about what he did with Elizabeth. I couldn¡¯t bother with anything he said as I was concentrated on his fucking up his face. Then he said he was sorry about Emily. Andrew got away without saying anything, just like that. Never thought he was one to apologize.


    Chris states that it¡¯s getting cold and then heads home. There¡¯s no point in wasting time freezing and having small talk. I feel him. Once I¡¯m alone my mind just races back to Emily.


    There isn¡¯t anything else.


    There¡¯s this one promise that I regret that I made with her. I doubt she remembers it, although she may remember the updated one. A couple of months ago, on one of the nights where Elizabeth was just too much to handle, rather the night I lost it, Emily came over. That was the night where we renewed our vows of sorts. Getting married when we¡¯re 21. She was drunk and probably doesn¡¯t know what I said. I told her I would destroy the world for her.


    But before that, a long time ago, the first night we spent together in this treehouse when we were eight. I promised her that no matter what happens, no matter the cost, I¡¯ll make Emily my wife. Emily at the time laughed it off with a cute smile. In return, she promised that she¡¯ll be waiting. Emily hasn¡¯t forgotten.


    Then there was this night where we were sitting on top of this hill. It¡¯s the highest point in the woods where it overlooks the entire forest and the city far beyond it. There is a gray line between the end of Forest¡¯s sight and the city¡¯s skyline. It¡¯s magical.


    ¡°Our junior year starts tomorrow. Nervous?¡± Emily asked, playing with the grass on the ground. She ripped it up and played the pieces on top of each other.If you come across this story on Amazon, be aware that it has been stolen from Royal Road. Please report it.


    ¡°Why would I?¡±


    Emily shrugged, ¡°It¡¯s just that,¡± she paused and stopped playing with the grass, placing her hands on her knees. ¡°Everything is starting to move so fast. Just yesterday we started high school. The day before that we were just kids with no idea who our friends will be.¡±


    ¡°You¡¯re overthinking it, Ems,¡± I chuckled.


    I was staring at the Seattle skyline as I felt Emily¡¯s headrest on my shoulder. ¡°You think we¡¯ll ever get separated?¡±


    ¡°What do you mean?¡±


    ¡°Like, could something ever happen that will tear us apart?¡±


    ¡°Nothing you could ever do.¡±


    ¡°Not even if I date other guys?¡±


    ¡°No.¡± I looked down at Emily who had her eyes closed under her bangs. She had this gentle smile as if everything was alright. Now I wish I could see that again. ¡°What if I date other girls?¡±


    ¡°Like who?!¡±


    ¡°So that¡¯s a no?¡±


    ¡°We already discussed this. We¡¯re not dating, Cody. Do what you want, but you¡¯re mine when we¡¯re older.¡±


    ¡°Hmm,¡± I laughed. ¡°I get a sense that you¡¯re mad now.¡±


    Emily shook her head, wrapping herself around my arm. ¡°No. I know when you try to get me mad on purpose. Doesn¡¯t work on me anymore.¡±


    ¡°Then what makes you think we might not be friends anymore in the future?¡±


    ¡°I don¡¯t know. We can¡¯t see the future, so who knows.¡±


    ¡°Yeah,¡± I sighed. ¡°Who knows. But Emily, no matter what. If it happens or not, I¡¯ll always love you.¡±


    Emily let go and stared right through me and I stared right through her. There was something magical about that night. I miss those nights. I miss how we would always spend Christmas eve together in the treehouse to just talk until sunrise.


    I didn¡¯t want to hurt her as I did with Elizabeth, so I pushed her away in hopes that she¡¯ll understand. Now she¡¯s pushing me away, and there isn¡¯t anything I can do about it.


    I text Emily hoping she¡¯ll respond. She says she needs space after the accident and all. I don¡¯t know what she means. She¡¯s guilty about Sara and hates Andrew now. I stood by her side once again and after everything, she tells me it¡¯s best if we don¡¯t speak for a while.


    Because there isn¡¯t anything else I can do but to hope.


    Still, the night is young and I find myself responding to a text from Grace. Her mom is busy with work so she can¡¯t spend Christmas Eve with her. Grace wants to hang out and smoke. We invite her over to the treehouse but Chris and I end up going to her because she doesn¡¯t know her way around yet.


    ¡°How can you guys ever get to the treehouse I can¡¯t even see anything,¡± Grace complains as we navigate the complete darkness of the forest. ¡°What if we get attacked by a bear or something?¡±


    I laugh, ¡°There are no bears in the forest.¡±


    ¡°Hopefully,¡± Chris jokes.


    ¡°Oh haha, dick.¡±


    Grace cursed. That¡¯s a new one. She only curses when she¡¯s mad. ¡°Where¡¯s Sara, how come you didn¡¯t invite her?¡±


    ¡°I did and she didn¡¯t want to, she still doesn¡¯t leave her room much.¡±


    ¡°Is she okay?¡± I haven¡¯t seen Sara since she disappeared. I thought she would go back to school since she¡¯s living with Grace now but she was excused for the semester. I don¡¯t talk to Andrew anymore so I don¡¯t know what happened. There are the usual rumors everyone spreads to stir up drama but I never believe them anyway. Still, I¡¯m curious why she¡¯s at Grace now. Something must have happened at home.


    ¡°She¡¯s been getting a lot better in the past month,¡± Grace nods but I can barely see her anyways.


    ¡°What happened?¡±


    ¡°I don¡¯t know. Sara doesn¡¯t talk about it and Mom doesn¡¯t want to tell me. She says that it¡¯s really private for Sara.¡±


    ¡°Oh. Well, at least she¡¯s doing alright. You talk to Emily?¡±


    ¡°Yeah, you haven¡¯t?¡±


    ¡°Not really.¡±


    ¡°She¡¯s been doing fine. We skype like every other night. Did you know her mom is super-rich? She lives in the upper east side.¡±


    ¡°Yeah,¡± I chuckle. ¡°I don¡¯t think she fits in though. Last she told me her mom enrolled her in this super exclusive preppy private school. She hates all the kids there.¡±


    ¡°Yeah, she does,¡± Grace laughs.


    We arrive at the treehouse not long after. Grace climbs up first. ¡°Hold up I gotta go look at these plants and shit,¡± Chris tells me as I climb up. He¡¯s squatting down playing with a blue flower. A mourning glory.


    ¡°Chris is not coming up?¡±


    ¡°He¡¯s doing Chris things, leave him alone.¡±


    Grace laughs again sitting on the edge of the entrance. I sit next to but only one leg can hang out so I sit under my left. ¡°Thanks for letting me come. Christmas Eve would have been boring. Got any weed?¡±


    ¡°Since when do you willingly smoke?¡±


    ¡°I¡¯m not the same girl when you met me,¡± She grins. ¡°I¡¯m one of the cool kids.¡±


    I involuntarily snort, ¡°Yeah right.¡±


    Grace lightly punches me in the arm. ¡°I¡¯m not a scaredy-cat anymore.¡±


    It¡¯s not that I haven¡¯t noticed Grace staring at me at times. I often catch her doing it. It¡¯s not that I don¡¯t like her. She¡¯s young, too young and although she¡¯s grown a lot since I first saw her she barely resembles a high schooler now. Grace is a good person who I like as a friend so I want to keep it at that. Besides, I think I¡¯m done with chasing girls because I¡¯m bored. I want Emily; only Emily.


    I look at my phone, hoping I missed a text from her. Nothing. ¡°You still got a long way to go.¡±


    ¡°Well with you by my side, anything is possible.¡±


    ¡°What?¡±


    ¡°I-I-I means as an f-friend,¡± Grace gets flustered. I¡¯m sure she meant it as she says but just worded it wrong. Ever since Emily left it¡¯s just been Chris, Grace and I at our lunch table. The three of us get along. It¡¯s comfortable.


    ¡°Yeah, sure.¡± I can¡¯t help but laugh.


    ¡°S-shut up. I didn¡¯t mean it like that.¡±


    ¡°Dude, Grace. It¡¯s fine. I know you have a crush on me. It¡¯s whatever.¡±


    Grace shuts up. What am I doing? I shouldn¡¯t have told her that. That¡¯ll just make her ask if I feel the same way. It puts her in an awkward spot. I¡¯m such an idiot. ¡°N-no I don¡¯t!¡±


    I shut myself up before I say anything stupid. It¡¯s better to drop it now. ¡°Here, I only have a blunt with me.¡± I give her the only thing that¡¯ll change the subject. Grace takes the blunt and lighter and lights it up. She coughs when she tries to inhale much more than she can handle. ¡°Slow down, geez.¡±


    ¡°I¡¯m fine, I¡¯m fine,¡± she says coughing.


    ¡°Yeah, sure looks like it,¡± I laugh.


    ¡°You want a hit?¡±


    ¡°Nah, I¡¯m good.¡± I stare at the stars. I stare at infinity.


    The pungent smell of the blunt reminds me of when Emily and I used to do exactly what I¡¯m doing with Grace. Hell, I don¡¯t think we just sat at the treehouse and smoked since before last summer. All we did was just sitting around and talking about nothing.


    ¡°Y¡¯know, I¡¯m really glad I met you guys. I would probably not have any friends if I wasn''t taken in by you,¡± Grace coughs.


    ¡°It happens.¡±


    ¡°No, I know. But like, I thought I was going to be friends with Megan and her group when she invited me to that party.¡± Grace pauses to take a hit. I know what she¡¯s trying to say. Megan thought it would be funny to get her drunk and embarrassed her later on. ¡°Literally the worst thing that could have happened, happened and it could have ruined these next four years.¡±


    ¡°Why did you follow her anyways? You didn¡¯t have to apologize.¡±


    ¡°It was my first time drunk, I didn¡¯t know what I was doing. She-she knew I was there, why do you think she did it there?¡±


    I shrug not having a really good answer. ¡°Isn¡¯t that the whole mystery of it all?¡±


    ¡°C-can I ask how you feel about it? You don¡¯t really talk about it.¡±


    It eats me up inside, just like everyone else. Sometimes I can¡¯t sleep over it. ¡°I hear you¡¯ve been asking around looking for answers.¡±


    ¡°You¡¯re the only one I haven¡¯t asked. Been kind of scared too, really.¡±


    I take the blunt off her hands and take the biggest hit I¡¯m able too before actually coughing. ¡°I sometimes wonder what I could have done differently to avoid it all. I liked how she smiled. She used to do it a lot then it gradually faded.¡±


    ¡°What do you think happened?¡±


    ¡°I think she had something eating her up that she couldn¡¯t talk about. She did something and it killed her and couldn¡¯t bear it all.¡±


    ¡°What do you mean?¡±


    I take another hit. ¡°Her fake ass friends, how we corrupted her and encourage her to do all those drugs. How she got addicted to it all, how she met with Lyle, it¡¯s all fucked up. She thought she walked through tall grass and everything and she was snakes. I gave her that idea.¡±


    ¡°Who¡¯s Lyle?¡±

 Chapter 15: Dirty Deeds Done Dirt Cheap

    Andrew III


    February 14th, 2013


    I used to hang around this guy who was six or seven years older than me when I was 11. He was a pretty chill dude that let me smoke weed with him. I used to think that was the coolest shit ever. Pretty sure that¡¯s how I got introduced to it in the first place.


    His name was Joel and was the town''s drug dealer. We weren¡¯t too close but I was shadowing him and learning things from him. I wanted to be part of everything. Joel was shot and killed in a deal gone wrong with a junkie. I was in his car when it happened and it was the second dead body I ever have seen.


    That¡¯s how I got introduced to Lyle. He came to the town after learning what had happened. He tracked me down to find out who the killer was. After I told him, I asked if I could come along. I didn¡¯t really know who Lyle was. He just stared at me and smirked. It didn¡¯t take long to find who killed Joel. Lyle took me inside the man¡¯s house with Acid while Acid tied him to a chair. I watched as Acid chopped of the man¡¯s fingers off with bolt cutters.


    Lyle turned to me and asked, ¡°Do you want to leave?¡±


    ¡°No,¡± I told him.


    He just laughed and told Acid to chop the toes off next. All I can remember were the screams and blood. Lyle walked up to the man and said, ¡°It¡¯s nothing personal, just showing the kid something.¡±


    Acid lobbed the tongue next and Lyle pulled me out of the house to give me a piece of paper. It was his number. I was in.


    The news never mentioned the story.


    Lyle is tall and built. He¡¯s pale like a ghost and his eyes can freeze you just by looking at them. He had long hair but now he has it short which makes him look older than he is. It¡¯s been a couple of months since I last saw him. He¡¯s the one who found Sara for me and now I owe him.


    He tells me that he found Sara near starvation in The Jungle nearly dead. He says that he tried to get her to eat and stay alive for a couple of days so she can get better and avoid the hospital. I know he¡¯s lying. He likes to play games with people, he likes to manipulate them and bend them to his will. I know he was trying to make Sara a slave to his will.


    I can¡¯t do anything about it, but she¡¯s alive and that¡¯s all that matters right now.


    Lyle has me sitting in a dining table at a house in Madison Park. It¡¯s unconventional and I believe this is the favor I owe him. The house we¡¯re in belongs to one of his partners. I don¡¯t quite understand what I¡¯m doing here. I already know he¡¯s a very powerful man and doesn¡¯t need to show me he has powerful friends too. There¡¯s something different going on. The possibility of my being killed isn¡¯t far off the table.


    The man who owns the house is a businessman. There¡¯s plenty of photos of him and his family. He has two sons and a hot fucking trophy of a wife. Lyle and he are talking about their last golfing game that doesn¡¯t interest me. I try my best to tune our boring fucking conversation. Maybe Lyle is trying to give me more power and finally have me move up in rank. No, that¡¯s too simple.


    Music starts playing and both Lyle and the man start singing. The way they act with each other, I can tell they¡¯re close friends. I haven¡¯t seen this side of Lyle either. It¡¯s all business with him. He¡¯s actually laughing and enjoying himself and resembles a human being.


    Suddenly, out of nowhere, the music gets louder and Lyle shoves a fork through the guy''s throat. He never raised his voice or showed a hint of anger. Lyle takes the kitchen knife on the table and slashes the throat open. The guy just looks at me with shock as he gasps trying to breath.


    Lyle stands up and makes a phone call. I assume to Acid. ¡°I got a clean up for you to do. It¡¯s at Michael¡¯s. Yeah, Yeah. It¡¯s fine.¡± He says then turns to me. ¡°Come on, we got errands to run.¡±


    We leave the house without a word. I want to asks what the fuck that was about but I know Lyle expects me to know better. This was a message for me. I get it now. He¡¯s on to me.


    ¡°Y¡¯know what you have you do,¡± Lyle tells me when he stops by one of the run-down houses in Roxhill. We¡¯re collecting debt again but I¡¯m doing it with Lyle this time. It¡¯ll be my first time with him.


    As I stare into the small little house it reminds me of my own back in Darkwood. A little Mexican kid is playing outside by himself. When I get out of the car he stares at me and I ignore him as I walk up to the front door.This tale has been unlawfully obtained from Royal Road. If you discover it on Amazon, kindly report it.


    ¡°Jes?¡± a chubby Mexican woman answers the door.


    ¡°I¡¯m here to collect,¡± I tell her. I hate doing this, but I have to. I owe it to Lyle.


    ¡°Oh, jes jes. Un moment plis,¡± the woman says with a smile as she turns around to go back inside the house. She comes back a minute after with a white envelope. ¡°It¡¯s last paymint, jes?¡±


    I take the money out of the envelope and count it. Lyle told me the amount she should give me, and it¡¯s all there. This lady isn¡¯t like everyone else that thinks they can be late. ¡°Yeah, It¡¯s the last. Goodbye,¡± I tell her as I walk back to the car.


    ¡°That went well,¡± he says as I hand him the money. ¡°Next one, probably not so much,¡± he chuckles.


    He takes me to the western side in Beacon Hill, near the Jungle. Fuck. I know this one isn¡¯t gonna go well. The house we stop in front of is even smaller than the previous one. I get out and there is barely any noise outside. It¡¯s eerie and I don¡¯t like it. The whole thing is uncanny.


    When I knock on the badly damaged door, no one answers. So I knock again, harder, but no one answers. I sigh and scan the area to see if anyone is around. I catch Lyle smirking. I take a step back and kick the door as hard as I can. It falls quite easily and I go inside the shitty house.


    I¡¯m immediately blown back by the rancid smell and pungent taste that fills my mouth. I take off my hooded sweatshirt and wrap it around my nose and mouth as fast as I can. God, It smells like rotting corpses.


    I travel down the house and making sure not to touch anything in case there is something dead here and I¡¯m left dealing with the cops. Everything inside the house is a mess, it¡¯s dirtier than mine. There¡¯s vomit and weird stains everywhere, even the walls. Who the fuck can live like this? I kick down a door where I assume the master bedroom is. Right, only junkies can live like this.


    He stares at me and doesn¡¯t say anything.


    ¡°I¡¯m here to collect.¡±


    The junkie lays on his bed and rests his head on the headboard. His needle is beside him and there¡¯s a bunch of bottles around. The junkie shakes his head and tells me he doesn''t have anything. He sighs and closes his eyes.


    It reminds me that there¡¯s so much more to this world than what we did in Darkwood. There are people like this, people who are so gone and fucked up that this is their reality. People just like Elizabeth.


    I sigh again and take out my gun. As I point it to the junkie, he stares at me with dead eyes. This guy doesn¡¯t fucking care, so why should I?


    I sigh one more time, ¡°I¡¯m sorry,¡± then shoot.


    I don¡¯t feel a thing. I thought I was going to feel something, but no. There¡¯s is nothing but silence and an emptiness that surrounds me. I just killed someone and I don¡¯t feel anything.


    I¡¯m out of Seattle in a half hour. Lyle drops me home, ¡°You did good today, Kid.¡±


    I watch him drive off and look at my hands. I didn¡¯t touch a thing inside the house, I should be good. There isn¡¯t a way for anyone to trace it back to me. Nobody even knows I have a gun, and I make sure I wipe it clean and hide it where it''ll be hard to find. The person who died was a nobody, he shouldn¡¯t be missed. I should be safe.


    When I went inside my house I find my dad passed out from drinking again. The bathroom window stares back at me and it¡¯s smug. What the fuck is even going on even more. Sara left because she doesn¡¯t feel safe here anymore. Emily¡¯s gone and fucking hates me now. The only girl I possibly ever emotionally liked fucking hates me. I just killed a guy. My dad doesn¡¯t fucking care. I don¡¯t fucking care.


    What the fuck are you doing to yourself, Andrew? You were never like this. You used to care about being successful and using everything you know to better the world. You wanted to explore medicine and be the first person to figure out how to cure disease. That was your goal. Now, look at you. All you care about is getting by. You like to hurt others and like to fight. You don¡¯t care about anyone anymore and you see yourself as the only one in the world that matters.


    Mom would be fucking disappointed. Sara¡¯s fucking disappointed. It¡¯s why she fucking moved in with Grace. She can¡¯t fucking stand being in a fucked-up home anymore. She can¡¯t stand being around you anymore you fucking pathetic piece of shit.


    When Joel died, that was your fault. You could¡¯ve gone to the deal for him. you saw it coming. Don''t fucking lie to yourself when you tell yourself you didn¡¯t. When Elizabeth died, that was your fault. She relied on you so much for the fucking cocaine that you took advantage of that. You thought it would be funny and wondered how it felt to steal someone¡¯s girl. When she found out she was pregnant, that was the last straw so she fucking killed herself because of you. You introduced her to Lyle. You let Lyle take your sister hostage. You let Lyle own you.


    When Mom died. THAT WAS YOUR FAULT. You could¡¯ve been a better son. You could¡¯ve picked up on the subtle clues she left behind and helped her. You could¡¯ve told dad. You could have told her you loved her. You could have made a million memories and now it¡¯s all just wasted breath.


    You are garbage.


    You have nothing good to offer the world anymore. Just go fucking die already. Nobody needs you anymore.


    I¡¯m not innocent anymore.


    But there is someone who is.


    I call Sara. She doesn¡¯t answer. I call Sara again, no one answers.


    I sigh and lay down on my bed. So I text her. Then I call Emily, but she has me blocked. I haven¡¯t seen or heard of Emily since the moment she was rushed to the hospital. I heard she moved to New York City with her sister and mom. It¡¯s for the better I think. I don¡¯t deserve to be happy anymore. But still, that week was the happiest I have ever been in a while.


    I want that again.


    But fuck that shit.


    I¡¯m not some bitch motherfucker who¡¯s gonna start being sad over dumb shit like people and my own emotions. It¡¯s not who I am. So fucking what I have to do shit for Lyle and that I don¡¯t have any friends anymore. I¡¯m the motherfucking greatest and the world will soon see that.


    I¡¯m unstoppable and the world will recognize that.


    Because I¡¯m motherfucking Andrew Mera.


    But today I killed someone and I didn¡¯t feel anything.

 Chapter 16: New York, New York

    Emily III


    May 11th, 2013


    ¡°Hey, Emily,¡±


    ¡°She can¡¯t hear you, idiot.¡±


    ¡°She¡¯s faking it, Bri.¡±


    ¡°Shi- Emily is a weird-ass girl, cuh. Deadass with sweaters in May, ¡®sup with that?¡±


    ¡°It¡¯s who she is, Tyler. Brian, stop going through her phone! We need to get her home.¡±


    ¡°Emily doesn¡¯t care Bri. Hey, look at this. Emily used to have really cool hair. Why¡¯d she cut it.¡±


    ¡°Duh Lil¡¯ homie. They had to cut it for surgery, yanowame? She hella fine though.¡±


    ¡°Emily still looks good with short hair, cut her some slack guys.¡±


    ¡°Yo, how come Emily spaces out n¡¯ shi?¡±


    ¡°I don¡¯t know. Come on, we need to get her home before her mom freaks.¡±


    ¡°You think it¡¯s true?¡±


    ¡°What¡¯s true?¡±


    ¡°That the parties she went to go harder than here.¡±


    ¡°Fuck no! Fuck ya¡¯ mean? New York boys go hard. Espech in Upper East, y¡¯all muthafuckers keep it real. Bunch of rich ass, bored ass white kids with no better to do.¡±


    ¡°Yeah, we¡¯re a bunch of shit heads, Brian. There¡¯s no way anyone can keep up with us.¡±


    ¡°Living the life.¡±


    I act like I can¡¯t hear them, but I do. I just don¡¯t care. Most of the time it¡¯s just daydreaming. Cody says that the dead don¡¯t speak only because they¡¯re too busy screaming. I always wondered what that meant.


    They think they know how it is; smoking weed, cocaine, and drinking every Friday and Saturday night. It¡¯s not compared to what happens in Darkwood; all the parties, and the rumors and lies and fights and deaths and suicides. But it¡¯s nice here; it¡¯s not as fast-paced. I always thought it would be.


    School is calm for a private school. I always expected it to be crazier like in the movies. The people there are all stuck up. I only managed to bag me, three friends. Tyler, Brian, and Brenna; everyone else treats me like an outsider. Not even their friends like me; to them, I¡¯m just another fucking weirdo. I¡¯m not a New York girl, what can they expect?


    Brian reminds me a lot like Andrew, except he isn¡¯t nearly as reckless. He¡¯s just another preppy white douche that doesn¡¯t know when to shut up. Tyler is only slightly better and is Brian¡¯s best friend. He¡¯s a white kid who grew up in Harlem and had the fortune to get out. He still likes to speak like he¡¯s from there because it gives him the street cred. All he does is follow Bryan and isn¡¯t anything special and is practically the same as him. Brenna is that tall white girl with lots of money and great thighs. Everyone wants her and nobody can get it. I wouldn¡¯t exactly call them my friends if I don¡¯t even like them.


    I¡¯m distant, I don¡¯t need to space out and listen to their conversation for me to know this. They think I don¡¯t know what¡¯s going on when I space out, but I do, I just don¡¯t care. Spacing out helps with the anxiety attacks. They have become more recent of the late.


    -


    ¡°I thought you were coming home an hour ago,¡± my sister, Jerrica says when I get home.


    ¡°Sorry, I spaced out. You know how I get.¡±


    ¡°I thought you grew out of it when you were five,¡± My sister giggles. ¡°Well, I won¡¯t tell Mom you were late if you help me with dinner, deal?¡±


    I smile. ¡°Deal.¡±


    We live in a brownstone row house where we have plenty of enough room for the three of us. Even though I have my room, I never sleep in it. I always sleep with my sister. I don¡¯t know why, maybe because it reminds me of when I was little before Mom and Dad got divorced. My sister doesn¡¯t mind either and so that¡¯s how it works.


    I live on the upper east side, but I never fit in with all the other people in my school. Even though I don¡¯t enjoy the city, walking around Central Park has become a hobby. My three friends have learned this and usually leave me alone when they go hang out with their stuck up rich friends who only know the good side of drugs.


    New York is far different from Seattle or Darkwood. The people are rude and always busy and are always anxious to get home. It¡¯s what makes me an outsider, I¡¯m just too nice. Central Park is where all the dirtiness and smugness goes away. It¡¯s why I like it. It reminds me of the woods where Cody and I used to play in and friendliness of people there is the same as Darkwood. The stores near it remind me of Seattle, especially the coffee and bread shops. People say it¡¯s far different, but it¡¯s all the same to me.


    Sometimes I wish I could go back there so I can see Sara, Gracie, Isaac, my dad and everyone else. But thinking about it makes me realize why I left in the first place. Andrew has fucked my life over and I can¡¯t live with him being in love with me when I don¡¯t love him back.


    I thought I would give it a shot, everything seemed fine. But I saw the video Bo posted online of when Andrew and Cody fought over me. Andrew was enjoying it and seemed like he never gave a shit about me after all. He didn¡¯t even know how to stop me from my anxiety attacks, even though everyone knows, even Chris. I saw how Cody lost himself. It¡¯s the fourth time I ever watched it happen. I stopped the video before it ended just because I couldn''t watch it anymore.


    It¡¯s good that I left. I can finally breathe. One thing I want to do, whenever I can, is to take Cody by the throat and make him understand the world as if he were me. He left me alone where I had to face the world in darkness. It hasn¡¯t been the same without him. Now everything is at least getting more and more clear as each day passes.


    I don¡¯t even know what to think.


    Now, on how much things have changed, I try to understand what made Cody so afraid. Elizabeth¡¯s suicide shouldn¡¯t have affected him so much. He told me he didn¡¯t care about her, it was just a fling. I¡¯ve known him long enough to know if he was lying. Sara tells me he avoids me to protect him from his rage. He calls himself Mr. SelfDestruct. It''s bull on how he lies to everyone about that. I know the truth, even if he doesn¡¯t know it yet. He¡¯s just afraid to cross the line we promised not to. The night he snapped on Elizabeth, that¡¯s when everything changed.If you spot this tale on Amazon, know that it has been stolen. Report the violation.


    But there¡¯s more to it, I¡¯m sure of it.


    I think that I think too much. That¡¯s what Chris says. Chris knows me the best this way. ¡°Life is like a video game, well yours, and the final boss is your mind. Nothing in the world is eviler than your mind. Stop thinking for once,¡± he says all the time. Chris¡¯ philosophy always bothered me. He always speaks in tongues.


    ¡°Are you ready?¡± My sister breaks me out of the trance.


    ¡°Yeah, yeah,¡± I say getting up from my bed. We¡¯re going to a party on the upper east side. It¡¯s one of those exclusive parties only the people in the know can get into. Jerrica managed to get some pull and invite me in. Brenna and Jerrica are gonna be the only people I know that¡¯ll be there. I¡¯m nervous but a little excited because I don¡¯t know what to expect.


    Jerrica and I meet up with Brenna halfway to the destination. I¡¯m severely underdressed but I don¡¯t wear revealing clothing like Brenna or Jerrica anyways. Maybe it¡¯s time to start, my weight is starting to be at a point where I¡¯m comfortable.


    Unlike Darkwood where everything is chaotic and relentless, New York is more social and calm. The parties here remind me of those that I see in the bad teen movies on Netflix. It¡¯s not a private school or high school party. Everyone here has status and has just come back home from their semester. Everyone here is from Columbia, Yale, Harvard, Stanford and every other college I expect all the rich white kids to go. I¡¯m so outclassed that it takes a couple of shots just to calm me down.


    But I manage to blend in. Mom is rich and Jerrica goes to Columbia herself. Brenna herself fits in and I¡¯m able to hold my own in this new world of power and pretentiousness. Even in this new environment somethings never change. I witness a drug deal happening right outside of the entrance of the townhome. The group then ran up to the bathroom to hide it. In Darkwood everything happened so openly. People here have a lot more to lose.


    My appearance manages to grab the attention of a group of two girls and two guys. They comment on how anti-establishment I dress and commend me for my bravery. I don¡¯t think so. All I¡¯m wearing is a light black jacket over a red cardigan and a white t-shirt, a gray skirt and black leggings. It¡¯s nothing special compared to the hundreds and thousand dollars outfit everyone else is wearing. This is just how I always dress to parties and never have I let people¡¯s opinions sway me.


    They ask where I¡¯m from and what my major is. The energy everyone here is giving off in this place comes off as incredibly judgemental and fake. This isn¡¯t my scene and I don¡¯t have a reputation to uphold so I answer as honestly as I can. ¡°I just graduated High School and going to the Fashion Institute in the fall. I¡¯m just here so my friend and sister aren¡¯t alone.


    I can¡¯t tell if they like my answer or not. They¡¯re hard to read. ¡°That¡¯s lit,¡± one of the guy''s answers.


    ¡°Yeah, you¡¯re so cool, so original.¡±


    ¡°Uh, thanks.¡± I laugh nervously.


    That¡¯s when I see him. A guy walks by that immediately grabs my attention. He stands taller than anyone in this party and taller than anyone I¡¯ve ever seen. I never like the term jaw-dropping but this is how it feels. Sara always talked about people¡¯s energy and how she can sometimes get a feeling of someone¡¯s presence. I never really understood it but damn, I think I feel it. It¡¯s powerful.


    The girls notice me staring and look over and laugh. ¡°Emily you¡¯re staring,¡± one of the laughs. ¡°That¡¯s Soran, He¡¯s just a freshman at Columbia and his family is poor but none of that matters, does it?¡±


    ¡°Yeah,¡± the other girl laughs nervously. ¡°He¡¯s so hot. Like, hot.¡±


    ¡°Geez, keep it in your pants Kayla,¡± the guys laugh.


    ¡°We can introduce you, but don''t get your hopes up.¡±


    ¡°Soran! Over here!¡±


    Shit. I blanked out again. This is happening. This is happening. The beautiful dark beige man turns his head towards us and starts to walk towards me. His eyes meet mine and my legs collapse on themselves. ¡°Hey, Kayla, Liam, I can''t believe I haven¡¯t said hi yet. What¡¯s up, guys?¡±


    ¡°Hey, Soran! How are you?¡± Kayla giggles.


    His milky tea eyes meet mine again. ¡°I¡¯m doing just dandy, who¡¯s this? A new friend?¡±


    ¡°She¡¯s Emily, Jerrica¡¯s sister. She¡¯s so tight.¡±


    ¡°Uh, hiya.¡± Stupid, I know.


    ¡°It¡¯s a pleasure to meet you, Emily,¡± Soran smiles and extends his hands towards me. His voice is deep but charming. It¡¯s like his mere presence is lighting up the room.


    I take his hand and shake it. His hands are rough and have calluses. I¡¯ve noticed his figure when I first saw him but Soran definitely works out. His biceps are the literal size of my head. Soran¡¯s shirt is tight and I can only imagine what¡¯s underneath.


    I stop myself. This isn¡¯t like me. ¡°Oh no, It¡¯s alright I¡¯m nobody.¡±


    ¡°Don¡¯t sell yourself short.¡±


    Soran turns to his friends and the conversation changes. I stand and listen in but don¡¯t contribute. I don¡¯t know what just happened. It¡¯s like I became a different person. I excuse myself to have a drink and join Brenna to whatever she¡¯s doing. She¡¯s talking to some guys and compare to what Soran is, it¡¯s a breeze.


    My sister joins us soon after and then we split from the guys to have more drinks together. Being buzzed is exactly where I need to be. It makes it a lot easier not to look over to where Soran is. It doesn¡¯t work 100% of the time and Jerrica notices.


    ¡°Girl, at least try not to make it so obvious,¡± she laughs.


    ¡°Is it that bad?¡±


    ¡°Like bad, bad,¡± Brenna laughs too.


    -


    Somehow among the night of shots and red cups, I lose Jerrican and Brenna. Somehow I manage to navigate myself through a party of sheer socializing and networking. Somehow I find myself outside smoking a joint with Soran. Up close next to me, I find that he¡¯s at least a foot taller than me.


    ¡°You have some balls smoking that outside,¡± he says.


    ¡°I used to do it all the time back home,¡± I answer back with an exhale. I like this. I¡¯m back in control of myself again. Soran is just a regular guy. I have to remember that.


    ¡°Y¡¯know, I hope you don¡¯t turn into the people inside this place.¡±


    ¡°What do you mean?¡±


    Soran sits on the steps leading to the front door. ¡°You and me, we don¡¯t come from their world. You and I know what¡¯s real.¡°


    ¡°You don¡¯t care for fitting in?¡±


    Soran shakes his head. ¡°I just do my own thing. Worrying about being liked, being rich and having that pull over people, it¡¯s not me. It¡¯s just now how I was raised.¡±


    ¡°And where¡¯s that at?¡±


    ¡°I grew up in Russia.¡±


    ¡°Russia? You don¡¯t look, Russian.¡± Don¡¯t talk like one either.


    He laughs for the first time. It¡¯s intoxicating and I immediately want more. ¡°My parents are a mix of Persian and Russian. I¡¯m Soran Sergeyevich. What about you?¡±


    ¡°What about me?¡±


    ¡°Your last name?¡± He chuckles.


    ¡°Oh. Emily Crowe.¡±


    ¡°It¡¯s pretty.¡±


    ¡°Oh, uh, thank you.¡±


    My phone vibrates. It¡¯s Brenna. Everyone inside is gossiping about me. They¡¯re wondering how I got Soran alone. I¡¯m not even sure myself. I must have blanked out when it happened.


    ¡°You¡¯re not joining your sister in Columbia?¡±


    ¡°No, no. I¡¯m more into fashion. I want to start my own company someday.¡±


    ¡°Eh, you have a good eye. I¡¯m sure you can do it.¡±


    ¡°Thanks,¡± I giggle.


    ¡°I¡¯m serious. You¡¯re not insecure about yourself. That alone will help you accomplish your dreams.¡±


    ¡°I¡¯m insecure. About a lot of things.¡±


    ¡°Sure, everyone is,¡± Soran stands up. ¡°But you don¡¯t let it define you.¡±


    Soran¡¯s words are powerful. I¡¯m not sure if I believe him as he barely knows me. He¡¯s hot, that much is obvious, he¡¯s trying some sort of play, he has to be. All he¡¯s trying to do is to appeal to my interest to let my guard down. Still, there¡¯s something genuine about his words. I don¡¯t know what to believe. What would Cody have me do?


    No. I can¡¯t think like that. I don¡¯t need Cody in my life anymore. It¡¯s why I moved here, to get away from it all.


    ¡°Do you want to go for a walk?¡± He asks.


    ¡°Yeah. I¡¯d like that,¡± I answer.

 Chapter 17: Ayla

    Grace III


    May 24th, 2013


    Sara wakes me up at still dark out in the morning. My body aches and I don¡¯t think Sara woke me up, but rather her scream. It¡¯s faint for me; I¡¯m too tired to wake up. My mom hears it though. I can hear her desperate voice trying to calm Sara down. Now that I think about it, I don¡¯t even think my eyes are open. They feel like they¡¯ve been industrialized glue. It¡¯s impossible to open them.


    Sara screams become louder but they eventually start to fade out again. Before everything can completely fade out into nothingness, my phone vibrates. I wonder who needs to bother me at this time.


    It¡¯s Friday and the sun is barely rising and now school. The Senior¡¯s graduation is tomorrow and it¡¯s finally nice not to have school anymore. It¡¯s weird to think of myself as a sophomore now. Sara has been teasing me for days about it.


    The text I got a three in the goddamn morning isn¡¯t from anyone I expected. ¡°Virgin girl lets hang out later in the day¡± It¡¯s Andrew.


    ¡°why¡± I text back.


    I get a reply once I finish getting a shower. ¡°Because we haven¡¯t hung out in months, isn¡¯t it time for us to catch up?¡±


    Sara is on the computer desk doing some reading. ¡°Your brother is texting me,¡± I sigh.


    Sara doesn¡¯t look at me as she¡¯s too busy with her book or whatever she¡¯s reading. ¡°What does he want?¡±


    ¡°To hang out with me.¡±


    ¡°Don¡¯t,¡± she says stopping what she¡¯s doing for a half-second.


    My mom calls us down for breakfast. I almost don¡¯t listen as I stare at my phone. I haven¡¯t hung out with Andrew in a few months. Since Christmas. He rarely talks to anyone in school anymore. The only one I see him talking to is that kid Carlos. But he often stops me in the halls to chat for a bit. Whenever he does he has this grin that tells me everything''s gonna be okay. But at the same time, it¡¯s like he¡¯s lying about it.


    Sara barely talks to him now. He must feel lonely. Sara never told me what happened between them. It¡¯s been like that ever since she knocked on my door and begging my mom to let her stay here. Now, it¡¯s almost seven months later and Sara still doesn¡¯t want to talk about it.


    ¡°Grace, Sara, food is getting cold!¡± Mom shouts again.


    ¡°like I¡¯ll ever hand out w/ u¡± I reply to Andrew.


    I expected mom to talk about what happened with Sara last night but she¡¯s keeping quiet about it. Something serious must have happened. I assume that it has to do with Sara''s sudden change of appearance 7 months ago. All I know is that when she came to me, she was a mess. My mom was extremely hesitant about letting her stay with us. Surprisingly, my mom knew Sara was a drug addict from the moment she stepped foot in the house. Sara and Mom are now good friends and she¡¯s almost like a daughter. So nothing has changed this morning. There¡¯s still the same talk about my future and Sara''s own plans for her senior year.


    ¡°Ha, don¡¯t be like that virgin girl. Take a fuckin risk like you want to¡± Andrew texts back. I get another one right after. ¡°If you¡¯re feeling like taking a risk tonight, meet me where the world ends and begins.¡±


    ¡°Wat?¡± I text back.


    And I actually contemplate the idea. A few days ago he stopped me after my first period, telling me about all the end of school parties coming up. He asked if I was going to any of them. I would but I now know fewer people and would feel like even more of an outcast. Sara told me that going to any will ruin me. I trust her. So I haven''t been to any since Alyssa¡¯s


    Lately, I¡¯ve been hanging out with Cody a lot more. It¡¯s not that I like Emily out of the picture, but it¡¯s a lot easier with her gone. He¡¯s a good guy and I think I manage how to be around him without making it so obvious that I like him. He¡¯s been done with school for two weeks now so it¡¯s been tough not being able to see him every day. Today is one of the few days where I get to hang out with him again.


    We meet up in front of a new milk tea shop that opened up on Main street. It¡¯s been a week since I have seen him and I immediately notice the stubble on his face. He orders a milk tea with something called boba. I get just the regular milk tea with ice. ¡°What¡¯s boba?¡± I ask him.


    ¡°Oh, it¡¯s just these tapioca balls that sit under the tea. They¡¯re squishy and pretty good,¡± he answers sitting down at a table. The table has a board of checkers ready to be played.


    ¡°I don¡¯t know what that is.¡±


    Cody chuckles, ¡°Don¡¯t worry about it then. You excited?¡±


    ¡°About what?¡±


    ¡°Next week is your last week. You¡¯ll be a sophomore soon.¡±


    ¡°Oh,¡± I nervously laugh. I haven¡¯t thought about it. The year went by fast. The stigma of being soaked in Elizabeth¡¯s blood ended and I managed to get a few friends on my grade. The first half seemed to be a lot crazier than the second. I can still remember all the events I went with the group and as soon as Emily left everything mellowed out. ¡°Not really.¡±


    ¡°With school ending everything is about to get crazy again. You should be nervous.¡±


    ¡°Why?¡±


    ¡°I don¡¯t know,¡± Cody leans back in his chair. ¡°This shit always happens.¡±


    Cody is so handsome.


    ¡°Well, I don¡¯t know. We don¡¯t even go to parties anymore so does it even matter?¡±


    ¡°You¡¯ve never asked.¡±


    ¡°Sara wouldn¡¯t go. Mom wouldn¡¯t let her.¡±


    ¡°Well, we don¡¯t really need her,¡± Cody chuckles again. Did he just invite me to go to one? With him?


    The barista calls our names and Cody gets up to get the drinks. He comes back how I expect it to look but Cody¡¯s drink has little black balls on the bottom. It looks gross. The tea is exceptional though.


    ¡°You¡¯re still not scared to go to things, are you?¡±


    ¡°No,¡± I shake my head. ¡°I actually want to try other stuff y¡¯ know? Chris is always on something and it looks fun.¡±


    ¡°What do you mean?¡±


    I shrug, ¡°I don¡¯t know, like coke or ecstasy. When Chris spiked me it was pretty fun actually. LSD or Shrooms seem fun too.¡±


    Cody begins to glare at me. It¡¯s not malicious but I can feel the weight of his eyes on me. ¡°I wouldn¡¯t. It¡¯s a slippery slope.¡±


    I scoff, ¡°Well that¡¯s hypocritical. Don¡¯t you do all that stuff too?¡±


    Cody shakes his head. ¡°I only smoke weed, Gracie. Andrew and Sara were the ones doing all that other shit. Emily too, but I never liked it.¡±


    ¡°Why not?¡±


    ¡°Grace, haven¡¯t you seen what this town does to people?¡±


    I do. It¡¯s not that bad as everyone says. Everything everyone has told me is exaggerated. Yeah, it¡¯s weird people like to party on weekdays but there are weeks without one. That last party I went to was to Alyssa¡¯s and that was in December for the break. Everyone, there was doing coke so casually. It¡¯s not a big deal. It doesn¡¯t ruin their lives.


    It¡¯s silly to think a town can corrupt people.


    ¡°I¡¯m just curious, geez.¡±


    ¡°The dead don¡¯t speak.¡±


    ¡°What?¡±


    ¡°The dead don¡¯t speak, Grace.¡±


    ¡°What does that mean?¡±


    ¡°They¡¯re too busy screaming.¡±


    ¡°What?¡±


    Cody chuckles. It¡¯s charming, intoxicating. I want him. He says nonsense but it doesn¡¯t matter. ¡°Isn¡¯t it obvious?¡±


    ¡°No?¡±


    ¡°You¡¯ve been moving too fast, Grace. You¡¯re trying to catch up on the experience of others just to fit in. You¡¯re trying too hard.¡±


    I don¡¯t get him. Is he playing some sort of game with me? ¡°Sorry, uh, I¡¯m not getting it.¡± Am I moving to fast? No, I¡¯m just making friends now. It¡¯s not bad. Everyone in this town is fucked up. I¡¯m not even close to everyone else.


    Cody¡¯s phone buzzes and he checks it. ¡°Sorry, Grace. I gotta go.¡±


    ¡°What, why?¡±


    ¡°My dad¡¯s home. I haven¡¯t seen him in like three years,¡± he says standing up. ¡°I hate to leave but it¡¯s my dad.¡±


    ¡°No, right, I get it. It¡¯s okay.¡±


    Cody gets up and hurries out of the shop. I can¡¯t tell if Cody was happy or scared that his dad is back. But who¡¯s dad is gone for three years?


    I sigh and finish my milk tea. I walk out of the store and walk down Main street a bit. I have been here a couple of times before with Emily and Sara whenever they took me out. Almost all the stores here are family-owned. It¡¯s something new and different from what I remember from California. It¡¯s not like I ever left my house when I lived in California, but still.


    It¡¯s cloudy again but it hasn¡¯t rained. It hasn¡¯t rained for a while. I remember when it rained for weeks and didn¡¯t seem to stop. Sara tells me that''s just how it is here sometimes. I hope it doesn¡¯t rain today, it¡¯s a lovely day to walk around.The author''s content has been appropriated; report any instances of this story on Amazon.


    That¡¯s what I end up doing for a while. I haven¡¯t walked around town to see what¡¯s all here. It¡¯s all nice, green and brown. I thought it was boring when I first moved here but now it¡¯s beautiful. It¡¯s easy to breathe here. Sometimes I do wonder if everyone is right.


    I wonder if I really belong here.


    I don¡¯t know if it was intentional or not. I don¡¯t know if it¡¯s because she constantly popping up in my mind, but I find myself in the cemetery. I haven¡¯t ever visited her grave. It¡¯s grand and well taken care of. It¡¯s not alone either, a familiar face is standing over it.


    It¡¯s Felix. It¡¯s that random guy from that one time. He has his hair cut from before.


    ¡°It¡¯s you,¡± he greets me.


    ¡°Hi, sorry I didn¡¯t know anyone would be here.¡±


    Felix coughs and smiles. ¡°She was a good friend.¡±


    My phone vibrates. It¡¯s a text from Andrew but I don¡¯t look at it. ¡°It¡¯s my first time here.¡±


    ¡°Was she a good friend to you?¡±


    ¡°I don¡¯t know. I didn¡¯t really know her that well, but uh, everyone told me how she was. She was trying to be a better person, wasn¡¯t she?¡±


    ¡°You could say that,¡± he snorts. ¡°You didn¡¯t know her?¡±


    ¡°It¡¯s complicated,¡± I mumble my words.


    ¡°Right,¡± he laughs. ¡°Elizabeth uh, well she knew a lot of people. A lot of people cared about her. A lot of people wanted her, wanted to be her. Were you one of them? Wanted to be her?¡± His voice is a bit hostile but it¡¯s fine.


    I didn¡¯t know her. I don¡¯t know why I care so much.


    I just want my closure.


    ¡°No. She killed herself in front of me.¡±


    ¡°Oh.¡±


    I walk up to take my place in front of her grave, to finally see her. She was barely 18. I know everything that happened to her and yet It feels like I never learned a thing. ¡°It¡¯s okay. I¡¯m over it.¡±


    All the therapy sessions have helped.


    ¡°Did you know how she was in her final days?¡±


    ¡°No, were you with her?¡±


    ¡°A week before she died. She was hysterical and always on edge. I tried to calm her down but I couldn¡¯t. It¡¯s like she had something on her mind. Something was eating her up.¡±


    ¡°Do you know what?¡±


    Felix shakes his head. ¡°She wouldn¡¯t say. Sometimes I think about what I could have said to make her talk to me. I miss her.¡± I don¡¯t say anything. I learned from being around Sara and Emily that it¡¯s better not to say anything. ¡°What about you?¡±


    ¡°Hmm?¡±


    ¡°You never really met her, yet you¡¯re still here. You miss her too?¡±


    ¡°In my own messed up way,¡± I giggle.


    ¡°Well, that¡¯s life,¡± Felix sighs. ¡°You¡¯ve grown a bit since I first met you.¡±


    ¡°Oh, uh, thank you.¡±


    Felix starts to walk around the grave. He looks a lot older than I thought. His new haircut makes it much more obvious. ¡°I¡¯ll be taking my leave now. I said to her all I could. Maybe fate will bring us together again. I¡¯ll catch you then.¡±


    ¡°See ya,¡± I say as Felix walks away. He¡¯s an odd character.


    I look back to the grave and wonder if Elizabeth can hear me. She¡¯s dead but if there really is an afterlife, she would hear me. She would know what I¡¯m feeling. Elizabeth would know how all confusing this all is.


    My phone vibrates again. It¡¯s still Andrew.


    ¡°Don¡¯t ignore me, you tit.¡± he texts.


    I read the previous one before.


    ¡°Come tonight. Ye ye ye?¡±


    Fuck it.


    Cody is pissing me off, this town is pissing me off. Emily¡¯s gone, Sara isn¡¯t as fun as before and the world is shit. Why shouldn¡¯t I let loose? Cody always tells me to be more confident in myself. I¡¯m going to be confident for once. I¡¯m in control of my destiny.


    Andrew is waiting at the front of the school. It took me a while but his riddle makes sense to come here. Sara says that this is how high school is. One day you¡¯re good friends with someone and the other, you¡¯re strangers. Andrew still hasn¡¯t changed much. He still has that cool guy standing pose and fresh jock haircut. He wears ripped jeans and a dirty white t-shirt under a navy blue parka. His shoes are all ripped up.


    I don¡¯t know why he picked today of all days to hang out. The thunder in the skies is angry and our mother is ready to cry for our vile acts against her. Cody taught me to say that. He says that words are good at expressing simple things like a rainstorm. Luckily our mother isn¡¯t ready to cry yet. It sounds stupid now that I think about it.


    ¡°My my, I didn¡¯t believe you would come,¡± Andrew laughs when we¡¯re face to face.


    ¡°You have no idea what I¡¯m capable of,¡± I giggle.


    ¡°Your pulchritude is inimitably captivating today, Gracie,¡± he says.


    I have no idea what he just said. ¡°Well I¡¯m here, what do you want?¡±


    Andrew laughs for no reason. ¡°How old are you Gracie?¡±


    ¡°15, why?¡±


    ¡°Well, I¡¯m taking you to a club. You¡¯re old enough. I took Sara around the same time too.¡±


    ¡°Uh, I¡¯m not so sure about that.¡±


    ¡°Too fucking bad, mate,¡± Andrew grabs hold of my arm and pulls me towards a car on the parking lot. In the car, he sighs and smiles at me. ¡°No clubs today, sorry mate. How about a rave instead?¡±


    ¡°I¡¯ve never been to one.¡±


    ¡°Yeah, they don¡¯t exist anymore, except for the super-secret underground ones. Luckily for you, there¡¯s one today and I know just the guys to get us in,¡± Andrew says.


    I smack my palm to my head and sigh, ¡°Andrew, what the fuck do you want with me. I¡¯m not going to hook up with you.¡±


    Andrew bites his lips and nods, ¡°Yeah I know, but that doesn¡¯t mean I can show you a good time.¡±


    ¡°Just¡­whatever¡­Do you have any liquor?¡±


    ¡°In the backseat.¡±


    Andrew talks about stories of his early childhood while I drink a beer I find. I¡¯m still not used to the taste. I don¡¯t pay attention because I¡¯m too busy looking at the empty fields of grass as we leave the town. It reminds me of the drive Mom and I took when we were driving up to Washington for the first time. The night makes everything look so lifeless and still. It is almost like it permits me to do whatever I want; just maybe.


    When I decide to listen to Andrew he¡¯s talking about how Sara and he used to draw Pokemon all day long. Something about wanting to draw like their mom.


    We go to the next town, and then the next after that. It¡¯s probably thirty minutes away, I¡¯m not sure I didn¡¯t keep time but when we get there, it¡¯s in a warehouse in the middle of nowhere. The music can be heard practically a mile away.


    ¡°You want some?¡± he asks. Pulling out a baggie with a few orange and green tablet pills. They¡¯re ecstasy. I never have done it but I always wanted to. Chris tells me there¡¯s no better feeling and Cody said he¡¯ll try to get me some. It¡¯s supposed to be like the drug Chris spiked my drink with months ago. I¡¯m still mad about it.


    I nod my head. It¡¯s bitter at first but the taste goes away once I wash it down with a water bottle that Andrew gives. I follow him outside where the music gets louder and louder with each step. There are people talking outside, all with smiles on their faces. All of them are dressed in bright colors and some are even shirtless.


    Everyone inside is so fucking happy. Everyone is jumping, laughing, dancing, kissing, hugging, and smiling. These people are the happiest in the world. Their happiness gives me an instant smile in my small little mouth. I think I can feel the scent of happiness.


    Andrew leads me right into the middle of the crowd. He says something but I can¡¯t hear him over the extremely loud rave music. He then leaves, just like that but I¡¯m just too damn happy to care.


    A girl takes my arm and starts jumping. I jump with her because the music is just too danceable. The urge to move my body is too irresistible like scratching my arm after a mosquito bite.


    It¡¯s exhausting though. I¡¯m already beat after two songs. I stop jumping for a minute to catch my breath. Just then a rock-dubstep song comes up. I didn¡¯t even know such a combination was possible. It gets me going though. The girl who grabbed my arm gets behind me and grabs my hips. It¡¯s a bit weird. I don¡¯t like being touched by people I don¡¯t know.


    Andrew comes back in during the middle of the song about having a threesome. He says something and smiles but I can¡¯t understand him. Everything feels so good though. It¡¯s like I¡¯m constantly being brushed with soft feathers all over my body.


    Andrew says something else but is interrupted by some guy. The smile on Andrew is flushed down the toilet. Andrew pulls out a stack of dollar bills and hands it to him. I can¡¯t help but to stop my dancing and stare. The white tall guy taps on his watch and then leaves. Andrew flips him off when his back is turned.


    ¡°What was that?¡± I ask him to his ear.


    Andrew laughs but everything he says is in inaudible.


    I shake my head.


    What does he need that much money for in the first place? This is why I don¡¯t like Andrew. He gets himself too much in trouble and being around him is bound to get me killed. Sara always tells me to stay away from him. I would listen but, I¡¯m not Sara. Whatever those two went through isn¡¯t going to happen to me, because I don¡¯t deserve it. I¡¯m just a good girl, nothing bad should ever happen to me.


    Everything goes back to normal after a minute though. Andrew starts to grind on some random slut girl. He winks at me when I look over at him. The crowd roars for a change of DJ and I realize that this is far better than everyone says it to be.


    May 25th


    It¡¯s soon two after midnight and the 200 people inside are nowhere near quitting. But I¡¯m tired and want to go home. The only problem is that I¡¯ve lost Andrew. Moving through the crowds is a pain and feels like the inside of a furnace. I think I have been looking for half an hour. Seriously, where is he?


    He isn¡¯t in the central crowd so I give up and go to the areas where there are only around five people around. The more I look for him the harder and more tired I get. It feels like I searched every inch of this stupid warehouse. Andrew then finally replies to my dozen of texts.


    There¡¯s a quick moment where I think I see Felix. He¡¯s still wearing the same clothes from earlier today. It¡¯s just my imagination as he¡¯s gone as soon as I spot him. The world is too intense right now for me to focus.


    I find Andrew outside behind the warehouse holding a girl against the wall. He¡¯s fucking her and there¡¯s nothing I can do but watch. It¡¯s raining hard. I¡¯m soaked and I wonder how Andrew and this girl can stand it. Something in me though feels warm inside and raging like a tiger.


    -


    The next thing I know, I wake up with a massive headache next to Sara in her room. Sara is still sleeping even though the sun is right in front of us. The windows need to be blocked by the curtains, I don¡¯t know why she doesn¡¯t. Then I stop thinking about it and go to the night before. I can barely remember it, but the more time passes, the easier it gets.


    I remember the hard rain completely making me soaked, the warm and intense feeling in the lower part of my body accompanied by a tingle inside my heart, the silence of the sound of rain accompanied by hard bass of the warehouse.


    ¡°Hmm,¡± he stopped, taking notice.


    I felt helpless with my hands holding each other near my chest.


    Andrew zipped himself up and grabbed hold on the girl¡¯s hand. ¡°Let¡¯s go,¡± he said with a low voice. In the car, I remember he said, ¡°How much did you saw?¡±


    ¡°Enough,¡± I answered.


    ¡°Did you like it?¡± He asked.


    The girl he was with laughed, ¡°Andrew, who is she? Why¡¯d we stop, I was having a good time.¡± She said in an annoying voice. This girl was clearly drunk.


    ¡°Did you like it?¡± he asked again.


    I didn¡¯t know. I felt so good all over. Being covered in rain felt like being in a ball pen as a five-year-old. I felt lightheaded and my skin sent shivers up my spine just for being there.¡±Yeah¡­¡± I answered.


    His hand grabbed mine and he looked at me with his eyes like no one has ever done. His eyes were pure desire. His right hand on thigh and left on my breast. Pure shivers of white snow up and down my spine and through my entire body. ¡°Your lipstick is lazy, and your eyes are all hazy,¡± he says softly. He kisses me.


    ¡°Andrewww,¡± the girl in the back seat whines.


    Andrew didn¡¯t hesitate to take off my shirt. He doesn¡¯t do anything but stare like he was pretending to be delicate. Hands unbuckle my jeans and lowered them. The car door opened and I¡¯m pushed into the heaving rain. My half my body was now getting soaked again as my head rested on the pavement.


    What is happening? I thought. I didn¡¯t care. I was old enough. I was old enough right?


    The other girl got out and took her shirt off. She got on top of me and kissed me blocking my head from getting rained on. It¡¯s weird. I didn¡¯t like it, I remember. Soft hands pulled down my panties. Oh god, I want it, I thought.


    Andrew is big, masculine and knows what he¡¯s doing. Andrew has complete control of the situation and pushed the girl aside. He could¡¯ve done it. He could¡¯ve done it. He could¡¯ve done it right there, in a dirty parking lot next to his car and under the pressure of hard rain with me completely naked and get on with his life and never look back on it and I¡¯ll be gone and I¡¯ll be betraying everything my mom keeps me away from my world changes.


    But he didn''t.


    For some fucked up reason, he didn¡¯t. He just sat on top of me with his mouth open.


    Why didn¡¯t he?


    I look over to the counter where my phone is. Besides the phone, there¡¯s a note.


    Sara,


    When you get this, can you please meet me? Same place as always. There¡¯s some fucked up shit going on right now and I don¡¯t think I can make it work. Sorry on my part for that. It¡¯s gotten so bad that I¡¯ve gotten Dysania. When I was driving back home tonight the petrichor could only remind me of the times where Mom was still alive. I¡¯m sorry I haven¡¯t been the best brother, but yeah. I need to see you.


    -Andrew


    This is Andrew?

 Chapter 18: Its Okay/Youre Okay

    Sara IV


    May 25th, 2013


    Grace¡¯s mother, Virginia sets breakfast on the table. ¡°How are you feeling today?¡± She asks again. She always asks this.


    ¡°Better,¡± I smile, unsure if it¡¯s real or not.


    ¡°That¡¯s good to hear. Don¡¯t feel like you need to do things you don¡¯t want to, Sara. Take your time.¡± She watches with her head resting on her palm. She¡¯s always been this warm ever since she decided she could trust me.


    ¡°Yeah, I know.¡±


    ¡°How¡¯s your brother? I haven¡¯t gotten a chance to ask when you went to see your mom¡¯s grave.¡±


    ¡°He¡¯s doing fine.¡±


    ¡°Out of trouble?¡±


    ¡°No¡­¡±


    ¡°I see. You just stay out of trouble then,¡± Virginia pauses then sighs. ¡°When you¡¯re done here can you wake Gracie up? She¡¯s been having more late nights with her friends lately. You think she¡¯s out drinking?¡±


    ¡°Is that bad?¡±


    Grace wouldn¡¯t tell me where she was when she crawled next to me in bed, mistaking it to her own. I know who her friends are and they aren¡¯t the type to stay out late, at least not yet. Maybe she did go out with Andrew, but even she isn¡¯t that stupid. Then I wonder where the note came from. Then again, It¡¯s Andrew.


    ¡°I don¡¯t know. I haven¡¯t really decided if I want to be that strict or not.¡±


    ¡°Do you want to be?¡±


    ¡°It¡¯s a lose-lose situation for me. I don¡¯t let her go out and she rebels and if I do I lose my little girl either way.¡±


    ¡°I think she¡¯ll be okay. She¡¯s a good girl.¡±


    ¡°Yeah. Yeah.¡±


    I like it when Virginia and I talk like this. It¡¯s better when she treats me like a friend and even her daughter instead of an inmate. She¡¯s no devil and by far the closest thing I have for an angel right now. She keeps me in line and sane. Even though I don¡¯t remember the past few months, Virginia is the only thing that isn¡¯t a blur.


    ¡°Honey, you¡¯re bleeding again.¡±


    I go to wipe my nose but nothing is there. ¡°Where?¡±


    ¡°On your scab, silly.¡±


    I look over to arm where I have a small cut from scraping it on a bunch. It took about an hour of convincing Virginia that I wasn¡¯t cutting. ¡°Oh, how dumb.¡±


    My adopted mother smiles and walks back to the sink to finish washing the dishes.


    -


    I wake Grace up from the bed and read the note from Andrew again while she groans out of my bed.


    Today is when the senior class graduates and we all get ready to see our friends graduate. Grace and I get ready but my brother needs me.


    We assigned Cody¡¯s and Emily¡¯s treehouse to be our meeting spot after we met them. It¡¯s close by and easy to find. It¡¯s an even better place to hide from somebody since anyone who doesn¡¯t know where it is can¡¯t find it.


    I expected Andrew to be there by the time I got there. He wasn¡¯t. Instead, all I found was a broken tree on the ground with the treehouse in pieces. Burnt photographs are everywhere. The tree is broken near its stump with a good half of it still standing. It¡¯s been struck by lightning. My brother shows up a few minutes after I started observing the tree.


    ¡°Happened during last night¡¯s thunderstorm. I don¡¯t think Emily would be too pleased,¡± He says as gently kicked the dead tree.


    ¡°What¡¯s happening, Andrew?¡±


    ¡°Shit¡¯s fucked up, sis,¡± Andrew sits down on the tree stump that''s¡¯ been there for ages. ¡°Do you remember everything when you ran away? Remember who found you?¡±


    I scoff. ¡°No of course not. What¡¯s going on?¡±


    ¡°Did they fucking tell you to say that?¡±


    Andrew is pissed. He¡¯s calm but pissed. This isn¡¯t like him. I don¡¯t know what¡¯s going on. He¡¯s bringing up things that I don¡¯t even remember. Do I remember?


    ¡°No. Andrew, I don¡¯t remember anything.¡± All I can remember is the darkness.


    I don¡¯t even know why I don¡¯t remember. I¡¯m smart enough to know that my brain is just trying to protect me. I just don¡¯t know from what or why but it doesn¡¯t matter. I¡¯m alive and I have to appreciate that.


    Andrew stands up and walks up to me. He looks like he hasn¡¯t showered or even slept in days. He¡¯s suffering. ¡°What?! How can you not fucking remember?!¡±


    ¡°I don¡¯t, okay?¡± I take a step back.


    Andrew is delirious. He¡¯s mad. ¡°What the fuck, Sara?! Fucking tell me what I need to know. Did Lyle find you and bring you back to me as he said? Did he fucking held you captive? Did he do anything to you? Remember, bitch!¡±


    ¡°What the fuck are you on about?¡± I take another step back. This is the Andrew that I know; that I¡¯m scared of. ¡°Have you slept? Are you okay?¡±


    ¡°Jesus fuck, Sara!¡±


    ¡°What?!¡±


    He¡¯s pacing around like a madman. I¡¯ve never seen him like this before. He¡¯s always so composed and lighthearted. Andrew stops for a second and takes a deep breath. ¡°Okay, okay. I need a favor yeah?


    ¡°What happened? Tell me.¡±


    ¡°Can you talk to Cody for me? Fucker has me blocked on everything.¡±


    I shrug, ¡°For good reason, no?¡±


    ¡°Just talk to him, yeah? Tell him I need his help. I know I fucked everything up and that I¡¯m sorry. Tell him I can put all the pieces back where they belong.¡±


    ¡°Andrew, what the fuck is going on?¡±


    Andrew stands in front of me again and just smiles. ¡°Everything will be alright, yeah? You¡¯re my whole world.¡±


    ¡°Drew¡­¡±


    ¡°Just ask, okay?


    ¡°Okay.¡±


    Andrew slaps his legs and smiles at me. He laughs. It¡¯s good to hear it again, it¡¯s been a while. ¡°How¡¯s living at Grace?¡±


    ¡°It¡¯s fine, I guess.¡±


    ¡°Fuck I guess it¡¯s pretty boring eh? You seem to be teaching Grace some things no? She¡¯s not the virgin fuck when we first met her.¡±


    ¡°Virginia checks my room every day, it¡¯s not like I can hide anything if I wanted too. What makes you think I¡¯m teaching Grace anything?¡±This story has been taken without authorization. Report any sightings.


    ¡°Isn¡¯t it obvious?¡±


    I scoff then giggle. ¡°I know Cody and you aren¡¯t in the best of terms, but why don¡¯t you sit with us during lunch anymore? You know I miss you.¡±


    Andrew sits back on his tree stump. I walk over to the broken treehouse and lightly kick it. ¡°The fucker hates me, don¡¯t sugarcoat it, yeah? It¡¯s better doing my own thing.¡±


    ¡°No, yeah, I get it.¡±


    ¡°It¡¯s always been me, only me.¡±


    ¡°Do you want to tell me what happened?¡±


    ¡°It¡¯s not time, Sara. I¡¯m just trying to figure shit out. Listen,¡± Andrew stands up and walks towards me. ¡°I gotta do my thing. Take care, yeah?¡± My brother hugs me.


    ¡°Just stay safe, okay?¡±


    ¡°Always,¡± he laughs.


    I have Andrew here now, I need to tell him about Dad. He¡¯s the one person I trust with that secret I just don¡¯t know how he will react and I¡¯m scared of it. I¡¯m afraid he¡¯ll murder him or doe something else equally as stupid. I need to tell him I¡¯m gay, but he¡¯ll disown me if I do. I kept this charade for so long that the entire school thinks I¡¯m straight. Now I have nothing and there isn¡¯t any need to keep the charade any longer.


    But I let Andrew go.


    Cody¡¯s name is called up for his diploma. He looks proud and everyone cheers for him. He hasn¡¯t changed much. he has long hair that he pulls back now. Cody also exclusively wears plain v-necks nows. Grace cheers for him loud enough to hurt my ears.


    Then, one by one everyone else gets their diploma. In one year that¡¯ll be me up there. It¡¯s a weird thought that I might make it that far. It makes me proud to know that I have been strong enough to hold on for this long. I still have one more year though.


    It¡¯s Chris who closes off the ceremony with a special speech. I don¡¯t know why or how he¡¯s up there. He¡¯s no valedictorian but somehow he is. He has already made the stupid speech about success and the next step but this one feels different.


    ¡°My entire life I knew I was destined for greatness,¡± he starts. ¡°I think we all do. I think that¡¯s why we live; to achieve that greatness whatever it is. Everyone always tells me that I can do more, that I am better and more special than everyone else. I think that¡¯s not true. No, I know it¡¯s not true. I¡¯m not any more special than the 100 students sitting down in front of me and the other 400 in our school. I¡¯m an oddball; I¡¯m not normal and have little friends. I¡¯m reduced to use simple vocabulary so others may understand me. I¡¯m often mocked for the way I dress and the things I do. But that¡¯s the beauty in this one life we have. We have a choice to believe what we want to believe. I believe in many things and I don¡¯t believe in many accepted things. We as humans are evil, as a whole. As individuals though, we are beautiful. By ourselves, we are gentle and kind. We do not wish to hurt other people. We love and cherish each other but sadly that is corrupted by the presence of others.¡±


    Everyone is quiet and is paying close attention. Some have even taken their phone outs to record.


    ¡°We are human beings. We are conscious and have more things to live for than the simple purpose of survival. But we have lost our way. Everything done is for survival of greed. Countries must live so people may die in riches. But that is not the way. We should live for the change that we must cause in not this world, but in the universe. We must make our mark in this universe to prove to God or the vast nothingness that we are individuals. The universe and this world are much strangers than anyone thinks. Everything works in harmony to exist. Everything seems so random when it isn¡¯t. Everything is for purpose. As human beings, we want nothing but to understand this world and be happy. That is everyone¡¯s goal in life. Everyone will try denying you this happiness. They try because they, themselves have not achieved it and are taken over by their greed and wish others not to have it either. We are nothing more than angels trying to climb back up to the heavens. We are good and evil. We are the manifestation that creates our happiness and somewhere in life, someone¡¯s happiness. We are selfish but selfless. We will be forgotten, but our destruction and love will carry on. We exist. You see things through your eyes and try to imagine a world where nothing exists. When you can¡¯t, that¡¯s when you realize that life is a miracle and should be treasured. We are not perfect, and we have centuries and millenniums of knowledge yet to learn. My sins may not be forgiven, but my sins will be forgotten eventually. I am not sorry for those sins, but I am sorry for not knowing how to not be evil. This is the last thing we as humans have yet to re-learn because somewhere along the road of our existence, we have forgotten it.¡±


    There¡¯s large-massive-football-stadium applause.


    My stupid brain has no idea what to think about this.


    All the seniors are in the football field and parking lot taking pictures with their friends and family. I try to find Cody and I spot him going inside the school. I lie to Virginia and Grace and tell them I need to pee so I can go inside.


    I find Cody sitting against Emily¡¯s old locker. He stares at his diploma and doesn¡¯t bother looking up when I stand in front of him. He hasn¡¯t been the same since she left and I feel bad. This is my fault and I never really apologized. Cody never really seemed to hold it against me.


    ¡°Are you alright?¡± I ask him.


    Cody looks up and puts his diploma down. ¡°Yeah, I¡¯m fine.¡±


    ¡°Do you know what¡¯s going on with Andrew? I saw him today, he¡¯s panicking about something. He never panics.¡±


    Cody stares at me without saying a word. I should have not opened with that. ¡°Why are you asking me?¡±


    ¡°He asked me to tell you to go talk to him.¡±


    ¡°No.¡±


    ¡°He says he needs your help.¡±


    Cody stands up and wipes off the bit of dust of his gown. ¡°Maybe he shouldn¡¯t have driven Emily away then. She doesn¡¯t talk to me anymore, Sara.¡±


    Emily and I talk almost every night. I asked her about it and honestly, I don¡¯t blame her. Everything went into a downward spiral of shit and nothingness after Ellie died. Emily took the only opportunity to leave it all behind, I would too.


    ¡°She was leaving anyway. It isn¡¯t his fault, or yours.¡±


    ¡°Don¡¯t kid me, Sara. Everything is his fault. Everything is my fault too.¡±


    He¡¯s hurting.


    ¡°Is everything my fault too?¡±


    ¡°No,¡± he scoffs. ¡°You¡¯re just another victim of our crimes.¡±


    ¡°And what are those?¡±


    ¡°I like control, Sara. I hate it when I don¡¯t. Everything falls apart when it doesn¡¯t. Your brother, Andrew, he¡¯s a madman. He thrives on it. It¡¯s like a chemical reaction and with a little push, well, everything explodes.¡±


    ¡°Is that what you think what happened?¡±


    ¡°Well, what do you think happened?¡±


    I sigh. ¡°That everything doesn¡¯t matter. It happened because it happened. Everything and everyone is fucked up. You can¡¯t blame the chaotic nature of the world.


    Cody smiles and then laughs. At least his sense of humor hasn¡¯t gone away. He sits back down and rests his head against Emily¡¯s locker. ¡°Maybe,¡± he sighs. ¡°Maybe everything doesn¡¯t matter.¡±


    ¡°Yeah,¡± I cross my arms and uncross them again.


    ¡°Was Andrew really panicking?¡±


    ¡°Surprised?¡±


    ¡°A bit.¡±


    ¡°Do you really hate him?¡±


    Cody chuckles and shakes his head. ¡°I don¡¯t know. Don¡¯t really like him very much, but I don¡¯t think I hate him.¡±


    ¡°So will you talk to him?¡±


    ¡°I¡¯ll think about it.¡±


    ¡°Thanks.¡±


    ¡°How¡¯s Emily?¡±


    She¡¯s been talking to a new guy and she won¡¯t shut up about it. She¡¯s been happy. She¡¯s coming to town in a week for the summer. She told me not to tell Cody, told me to keep it a surprise. Emily will explain herself when she gets here. ¡°She¡¯s doing fine. Says New York is a bit boring.¡±


    ¡°More boring than here?¡± Cody laughs then gets up. ¡°She¡¯s crazy if she thinks that. Tell Andrew I¡¯ll think about it. I¡¯ll catch you later, my parents are waiting for me.¡±


    I watch Cody leave and he passes a girl who¡¯s walking towards us. She¡¯s hardly recognizable, but it¡¯s Jana Kramer. She just keeps getting worse as time goes on. Cody stops her and says something to her. I watch Jana move her bangs out of her eyes and say something back then moves along towards me. I rest my back against Emily''s locker and watch Jana walk by. Her eyes meet with mine and we linger.


    I get home just before it gets dark. Gracie¡¯s mom, Virginia is in the living room reading a book while Gracie is locked in her room doing god knows what.


    One of the things I hate now is sleeping. The process of trying to sleep keeps me up at night and when I do sleep it''s nothing but nightmares. It¡¯s so tiring. Every night it¡¯s the same shit. I get ready for bed, turn off the lights and lie down for two hours. Then it is nothing but reliving memories that I want to be gone forever. They keep me up and often drive me insane for the night before I eventually pass out of sheer exhaustion. And then the nightmares come where I¡¯m experiencing everything all over again and it makes me hate myself again.


    I call myself a whore.


    I call myself worthless.


    Then everyone abandons me; leaving me to wake up screaming in the middle of the night. It happens at least once a week. Gracie never hears it, but Virginia does and she always comes in to calm me down. She understands everything somehow and never gets mad at me. It¡¯s weird since she almost hated me in the beginning.


    Sometimes I still think about killing myself.


    It sucks. I hate not having the energy to get out of bed sometimes. Then I wonder if my problems are real problems and not just stupid white privilege teenage girl problems. So what if your mom bitches at you and you don¡¯t get what you want. I lost the most loving mother of all time. And so what if daddy doesn¡¯t love you, they should see mine. I can¡¯t stand watching that kind of television anymore.


    Some days I just don¡¯t know what to do so I just spend it watching movies and eating. There are days where hunger doesn¡¯t even cross my mind. I wish I had the will to hang out with my friends at school. It¡¯s been a while since I have.


    I bet this all sounds stupid and depressing. I¡¯m wallowing myself in sadness and I don¡¯t think people enjoy those kinds of people. I just pray that one day I can wake up with a reason to have a smile on my face. It¡¯s been a long time since I had one of those days.


    Tonight is one of those good nights where I can have a smile on my face. The three of us in this little family we have ended up playing UNO on living room carpet. A year ago the gang would have been at the graduation party getting fucked up and even more fucked up. That¡¯s how it¡¯s been ever since we became friends. Now we¡¯re all split up and I¡¯m playing UNO with a girl I barely met 9 months ago and her mother who took me in without any benefit to herself.


    I never win, but it doesn¡¯t matter.


    It¡¯s moments like these that make me feel human.

 Chapter 19: Red Flags and Long Nights

    Cody IV


    June 1st, 2013


    Somberly, I sit alone.


    I sit alone on the base of the broken tree while I stare at what¡¯s left of the old treehouse. It feels like all those goddamn happy memories are gone with it. It makes me kind of sad but at the same time, I want to build another one all for myself.


    Somberly, I sit alone.


    I sit alone knowing that I¡¯ll probably never see or talk to Emily ever again. She¡¯s hasn¡¯t replied to the single call I made. It¡¯s been like that for months. It¡¯s as if she vanished along with this tree. It¡¯s been ceased of life, never to grant life to another. I still wonder if I made the right choices.


    Somberly I sit like there¡¯s nothing wrong and I¡¯m just a hypochondriac wishing that everything is going wrong. It hadn''t rained for a month and two days ago hell poured down and struck this tree down. I somberly sit alone as I smell the lingering petrichor and burned wood that engulfs the circle of life. The smell is strong and sometimes pungent.


    There¡¯s nothing here for me anymore, so I leave.


    Dad has been home for a couple of weeks. It¡¯s been nice having him around. I haven¡¯t seen Mom any happier. Three years change a person and Dad isn¡¯t the same person as I remember. He tries to be back to what he was before but the somber and nihilism creeps in. I asked him once what happened at his job but he told me he can¡¯t talk about it. Whatever he did, it changed him.


    Apart from dad, my brother Travis is back for the summer. With him and my dad being back it makes things seem like everything is back to normal, but it¡¯s not, isn¡¯t it? Things will always be changing. That¡¯s just something I have to accept.


    ¡°You okay?¡± Travis asks knocking on the side of my wall. He breaks my train of thought.


    ¡°Yeah, fine. Why?¡±


    Travis shrugs. ¡°You seem down.¡± He tosses me an energy drink. ¡°Everything works out little bro.¡±


    I chug half the can in one go. I¡¯m inclined to check my phone. I¡¯ve never deleted messages before. I think back on what Sara told me. The universe really might be chaotic. Emily¡¯s messages haunt me. Her photos I have, haunt me. Sara told me to delete everything from Emily after she left. It must be a sign that our treehouse is now in ruins. I have to delete her.


    I stare down a picture of Emily and I sitting together in our regular cafeteria table. She¡¯s smiling and has her arms wrapped around my left. The picture was taken May of 2012, a few weeks before Elizabeth came into our lives.


    Emily still has long and red fluffy hair that gets everywhere. As annoying as it is, I miss it. She used to have it much shorter. Throughout elementary and the first half of Middle School. The only reason why she has it long was that I told her it would look cute on her.


    I delete the picture.


    ¡°What¡¯s wrong?¡± Travis asks laying down on my bed. ¡°It¡¯s not Emily again isn¡¯t it?¡±


    I nod. ¡°Yeah.¡±


    Travis laughs, ¡°I wouldn¡¯t worry about it. You two are two peas. She ain¡¯t going anywhere.¡±


    ¡°How are you so sure?¡±


    ¡°I¡¯m not?¡± Travis laughs again and lightly kicks my back. ¡°You lost your confidence, Codes. Crazy how one year changed you.¡±


    I don¡¯t say anything. It¡¯s been about a year since I invited Elizabeth to our lives. It¡¯s been a year since I snowballed everything into the madness of this cursed town. I¡¯ve lost nearly everything since then and Travis questions why I¡¯m not the same. But he¡¯s right.


    I used to be the leader, the one with the cool head. I used to run everything. Everyone wanted to be me or my friend. I¡¯ve lost it. I don¡¯t know who I am anymore.


    ¡°Is it true?¡± Travis asks.


    ¡°That this town has gone to shit ever since I left?¡±


    I shrug. ¡°I don¡¯t, maybe? How were things when you were my age?¡±


    Travis chuckles, ¡°I don¡¯t know. Not nearly as many drugs as I remember.¡±


    ¡°Really? Don¡¯t I remember you and Jerrica sneaking off every night to go to a party?¡±


    ¡°Who said it was parties? We snuck off to fuck, little bro. Nah, three years ago, shit, yeah there were parties but like every other week.


    ¡°You miss her?¡±


    ¡°Who, Jerrica?¡±


    ¡°Yeah.¡±


    ¡°Nah. We had our things, we graduated, we moved on. That simple.¡±


    ¡°I wish it was that simple.¡±


    -


    And it is. It should be.


    I¡¯ve lost who I am, but it should be simple to get it all back. It doesn¡¯t matter that I can¡¯t control everything, I¡¯ll just control what I can. Tonight I can prove that with a graduation party happening in Issaquah. I missed Darkwood¡¯s but I¡¯m still anticipated here.


    Grace has gotten popular enough to be invited to it and comes with. She lost her glasses for contacts which have helped out a lot. Her braces still make her look 12 but at least she¡¯s been improving, she¡¯s been learning how to have friends. Tonight is just another night for her to get to know more people.


    It¡¯s a Sunday but it doesn¡¯t matter, does it? I heard Issaquah is trying to be the new Darkwood and I think it¡¯s a bit sad. They even had their suicide there not too long ago. It¡¯s a virus. But it doesn¡¯t matter. I can¡¯t stop it, nothing can.


    Chris gets out of the car first so he can light a cigarette. Ever since he stopped his drug experimentation, he¡¯s been using the nicotine to take the edge off. ¡°Isn¡¯t it a bit weird to throw a party right next to a park?¡± Chris asks.


    ¡°Near the highway, even.¡± Grace comments.


    ¡°Who cares. Let¡¯s just get this shit done.¡±


    The music¡¯s loud from the moment we leave the car. A dozen people is hanging out on the front porch all with red cups in their hands. I recognize a few, the other must be from this town. Inside, there are more people that I know. They recognize me, they admire me. See? I haven¡¯t lost my confidence. All I had to do was to bring it back. I get started by serving a drink to Grace and I give myself three straight shots of whiskey.


    ¡°You want to slow down, man?¡± Carlos asks me. I haven¡¯t even noticed him earlier. He¡¯s a cool one.


    ¡°No time than the present.¡±


    ¡°It¡¯s been a while since I seen you, where you been?¡±


    I open a beer bottle and give it to him. ¡°Been busy.¡±


    ¡°Right on, Code. Don¡¯t steal all the girls now, will you?¡±


    I get another bottle and drink half of it before I leave the kitchen. Grace has already found her place with her friends. Chris is in the corner talking to some Issaquah guys, selling them drugs I assume.


    It¡¯s just like Darkwood here now. There¡¯s nothing but fucked up empty minds. There¡¯s a girl openly doing coke on the dining table. I can hear all the bullshit drama and gossip. It used to be fun being at shit like this. Now it¡¯s slightly annoying. Still, I have to prove that I¡¯m still me.


    I enter a conversation with some guys from school while I scope out the party. No one here is interesting. They¡¯re all quite boring. As much as I don¡¯t like him, at least Andrew made things interesting. I spot a girl amongst the madness. She¡¯s a brunette that might be a bit underdressed for this thing. Our eyes meet and I don¡¯t let mine waver. She stares me down, intimidated at first but she eventually gives in.


    It¡¯s easy. It¡¯s always been easy.


    I don¡¯t catch her name, but it doesn¡¯t matter. I take her upstairs to a room but there are people already fucking. She giggles as I take her to another one. It¡¯s always been this simple, yet it feels so empty. It doesn¡¯t matter. It doesn¡¯t matter what I¡¯ll ever do. This heart will always be empty.This narrative has been unlawfully taken from Royal Road. If you see it on Amazon, please report it.


    Once we¡¯re finished, I walk back down. Carlos is the first to congratulate me. Sometimes I forget we¡¯re just kids after all. I catch Grace staring. I hurt her just now.


    But that¡¯s what I always do. I always hurt people. I did it to Elizabeth, Emily, and now Grace. She likes me, maybe even loves me and I see her nothing more than a little sister. She¡¯ll never have me and that¡¯ll always hurt her. It¡¯s part of growing up and she¡¯ll just have to deal with it.


    As the night goes on, the party becomes a rager. The lights lower and the music gets harder. People start to get sweaty as they dance harder and the drugs hit their systems. I¡¯m one of them. All the shots are mixing into my blood and that headrush is back after not having one for a long time.


    Some girls dance with me. I know their game. They know mine but I don¡¯t think they care. No one cares. It¡¯s why everyone is so lost. Grace comes and dances with. I shouldn¡¯t let her, but I do.


    A loud and familiar voice walks into the room. Of course, it has to be Andrew. He wouldn¡¯t miss one of these things to save himself. Andrew spots me and his smile is wiped off his face for a second before Carlos greets him and Andrew jumps at him with excitement. I watch Grace try to greet him, but Andrew avoids her.


    I find myself smoking a bowl outside the backyard with Chris. ¡°What did Andrew talk to you about?¡± I ask him.


    ¡°Wanted to ask me about Winter.¡±


    ¡°I thought you stopped trying to make it.¡±


    Chris takes a hit but doesn¡¯t bother to exhale. ¡°I did.¡±


    ¡°Then what the fuck does he want?¡±


    ¡°Not what he wants. It¡¯s what Lyle wants.¡±


    Lyle. ¡°What does he want?¡±


    Chris exhales and passes the pipe to me. ¡°He¡¯s cutting me off. I can¡¯t make Winter so why should he support my drug experimentations. Make sense, no?¡±


    I nod. ¡°Yeah, yeah, right. You ever actually met him?¡±


    ¡°Once. He wanted to see who I am. You?¡±


    ¡°Outside the diner, last year. Elizabeth got in the car with him. Told her not to go but she didn¡¯t listen. Now she¡¯s dead.¡± I take a hit. I then take an even longer one. His presence was so fucking terrifying. I never felt anything else like it.


    ¡°Andrew¡¯s asking for you. Wants to apologize.¡±


    ¡°Apologies and Andrew don¡¯t mix well, you tell him that?¡±


    Chris laughs. ¡°Of course. He told me that you can fuck yourself.¡±


    ¡°Right,¡± I laugh. ¡°What do you think he wants? Sara asked me to go talk to him as well.¡±


    Chris shrugs, taking the bowl from me. ¡°Come on, Code, don¡¯t you already know? It shouldn¡¯t be so hard to figure out. The world knows loss and yells for its mother.¡±


    I laugh. The fucker is talking nonsense again. Chris is lost in his little world and that¡¯s okay. I¡¯m used to it and he knows I don¡¯t care. ¡°To the end of the world, Chris.¡±


    ¡°To the world is not ready.¡±


    ¡°Right.¡±


    We head back inside where things have calmed down a bit. Chris and I sit down around the dining table where Grace is sitting with her friends. Her friend Liz starts talking to me and I join just to keep the conversation. I catch Grace staring, and I look at her back, trying to see if I can intimidate her. It works. She looks away towards Andrew. He¡¯s out dancing with some girl, well more like dry humping.


    I get a text message.


    It¡¯s from Emily, ¡°Are you up?¡±


    Of fucking course, she has to reply now after all these weeks. The head rush comes fast and my heart tries to escape its cage. I have to go outside and take in some fresh air.


    ¡°Oi, oi, Codes!¡± Andrew yells as he leaps from the front steps. ¡°Hold up, will ya?¡±


    I stop for him but I don¡¯t give a shit about what he has to say. ¡°What?!¡±


    ¡°I¡¯ve been trying to reach you all week. Where ya been?¡±


    ¡°What do you want, Andrew?¡±


    Andrew looks like shit. He has bags under his eyes not to mention they¡¯re burning red. The fucker hasn¡¯t slept and I wouldn¡¯t doubt if he¡¯s coked up to the balls. ¡°I need you, mate.¡±


    ¡°Fuck off,¡± I turn around to walk away but Andrew grabs my hand.


    ¡°Just hear me out, man. Don¡¯t be a dick. I¡¯m sorry, yeah?¡±


    I stare at Andrew. No, I glare at him. This dickhead took Emily away from me. Andrew examines my eyes and just laughs. He always fucking laughs because he doesn¡¯t take anything seriously.


    ¡°Right on, Codes. Fuck you too then. Just don¡¯t fucking bitch and moan that it¡¯ll be your fault I¡¯ll be dead too like Elizabeth,¡± Andrew sneers and walks back inside.


    Fuck.


    I start walking towards the park. I look at Emily¡¯s text again and wonder if I should reply. Everything is so messed up. I don¡¯t know why I feel like this, feel weak. I¡¯ve been lying when I thought I got it back. I don¡¯t have anything back. I¡¯m so unsure of everything.


    Unsure that I have no college to go to. Unsure what I want to be. Unsure that I have what it takes to be the person I need to be. Unsure that I¡¯m actually who I thought I am, was.


    Somberly I sit on the bleachers that face the baseball field in this park.


    I text Emily back and close my eyes, anxious about what she has to say next.


    When I open them, I notice a body laying on the bleachers next to me. I stand and walk over. It¡¯s Elizabeth¡¯s brother, Matt. He passed out with a bottle in his hand. More importantly, there¡¯s a gun tucked away in his waist. It¡¯s the same one he almost shot me with. He had power over me back then. The power I don¡¯t have now.


    I take the gun from him. The gun, it¡¯s heavier than I thought one would feel. But it¡¯s power, and I have it now. I look at it and then stare at it. I don¡¯t know guns, but it looks remarkably similar to gun Elizabeth had. Is this where she got it from? Is Matt who gave her the gun? No, it couldn¡¯t be that simple. Elizabeth got the meth from him, not the gun.


    I put the safety on and tuck the gun down my waist and walk back towards the party. I stop by my car first and toss the gun in the trunk. Grace comes out of nowhere and appears in front of my car. ¡°Where have you been? I¡¯ve been looking for you.¡±


    ¡°Why?¡±


    ¡°I want to go home. I¡¯m drunk and sleepy.¡±


    I chuckle. ¡°Didn¡¯t know you were a lightweight.¡±


    ¡°Shut up,¡± Grace slurs and punches me in the arm. ¡°Go get Chris, I want to go home.¡±


    ¡°Fine. fine.¡±


    Grace enters the passenger side of my car while I go inside to find Chris. The first thing I see when I¡¯m inside is Andrew doing a line of coke on a girl¡¯s tits. I ask Carlos if he¡¯s seen Chris and he tells me went upstairs with some girl. It¡¯s a miracle. Chris is not the type to be interested in girls.


    I send him a text and tell him to hurry up so we can leave. Unlike Emily, he responds right away. Chris comes down soon after with his green parka over his shoulder. ¡°Who was special enough to captivate you?¡± I ask him as we leave the house.


    Chris shrugs and enters my car. ¡°I still have urges you know.¡±


    ¡°That¡¯s what, like 3 girls now?¡±


    ¡°Two, but, weirdly, you¡¯re keeping count.¡±


    I look over at Grace when I start the car. She¡¯s already passed out. ¡°Who was your first?¡± I ask him, but I already know the answer. It¡¯s a secret Chris has yet to tell me but it wasn¡¯t hard to figure out.


    ¡°It¡¯s weird that you haven¡¯t said anything until now.¡±


    ¡°Doesn¡¯t matter, does it?¡±


    ¡°I think it does. It¡¯s the same when Andrew slept with Elizabeth. You didn¡¯t care, and you don¡¯t care now. I think it¡¯s odd.¡±


    We get on the highway to Darkwood. The roads are nearly empty. It¡¯s always a relaxing drive, no matter what Chris is trying to say with his words. ¡°She texted me.¡±


    ¡°Don¡¯t change the subject,¡± Chris chuckles.


    Chris doesn¡¯t want to let this go. Fine. ¡°Why do you care?¡±


    Chris laughs, ¡°because I¡¯m your friend. I might be insane but I don¡¯t lack empathy for my friends. You know what your problem is, Code? You don¡¯t talk to anyone about your emotions. You burden yourself with all that weight and don¡¯t let anyone hold it with you. You¡¯re selfish. So I find it odd that you never yelled at me for letting Emily pity fuck me.¡±


    That¡¯s the most Chris has said in one go, but Chris is right and it scares me. I don¡¯t say anything in return.


    ¡°Your silence is an admission of guilt,¡± Chris says while he puts on his green parka. ¡°Tell me about it. What did you feel when Ellie cheated on you?¡±


    ¡°I was pissed off at her, mostly. She was getting fucked up and I couldn¡¯t stop her. She fucking got high off meth and I then exploded when I just couldn¡¯t hold it all in anymore. Is that was you want me to say?¡±


    Grace groans and rolls over to the window¡¯s side.


    ¡°What did you feel about Emily and me?


    ¡°When did this happen?¡±


    ¡°Jana¡¯s party last year. I asked her too. She didn¡¯t want to tell you.¡±


    I stay quiet. I haven¡¯t ever thought about it. I knew it wasn¡¯t much more than that. There¡¯s nothing in front of the road and it starts to rain. I see Chris light up a blunt in the rearview mirror. He doesn¡¯t seem to mind that I¡¯ve gone silent. ¡°Believe me when I tell you that I don¡¯t care about it.¡±


    ¡°I do.¡±


    ¡°Good.¡±


    I drop Chris off at his house first. It¡¯s at this time when Grace wakes up a bit. She sits upright a bit and checks her phone. ¡°Are we home yet?¡±


    ¡°In a bit.¡±


    Grace groans and rubs her eyes. Her house isn¡¯t too far from Chris so we get there under five minutes. Her mom¡¯s car is upfront, she¡¯s home. I look over to where Sara¡¯s room is and the lights are on. She¡¯s home too.


    ¡°Gracie, we¡¯re here,¡± I tell her after Grace doesn¡¯t move for a minute.


    She¡¯s fading in and out of consciousness. I get out to help her get out of the car. I wrap her arm around my shoulder and drag her out. ¡°Hmm, Cody.¡±


    ¡°Yeah?¡±


    Grace takes my moment of distraction to peck on the lips. ¡°I want you,¡± she tried again but I move my head away.


    ¡°You¡¯re drunk.¡±


    ¡°Does it matter? Why don¡¯t you want me? Why?!¡±


    I sigh and walk her halfway to her porch where she pushes me off. ¡°Grace, it¡¯s not that simple.¡±


    ¡°Why not?¡±


    ¡°I love Emily, not you.¡±


    ¡°You fucked that one girl tonight.¡±


    ¡°It¡¯s different.¡±


    ¡°No, it¡¯s fucking not,¡± Grace burps and stumbles down. I catch her before she does. ¡°Why does no one fucking want me?¡±


    I walk her to the front door where I just knock. ¡°We¡¯re good as friends, Gracie. You wouldn¡¯t want me. I¡¯ll fuck you up like I do everything else.¡±


    ¡°Fine¡­¡± Grace whispers.


    The front door opens and an older version of Grace opens the door. Sara wasn¡¯t kidding. She sighs in relief. ¡°You must be Cody. Thank you for taking care of my daughter. She didn¡¯t-¡±


    ¡°No,¡± I chuckle. ¡°She just drank a bit much.¡±


    I hand a drunken Grace to her mother. ¡°Well thanks again, just don¡¯t make it a habit, okay?¡±


    ¡°Okay.¡±


    Grace¡¯s mom shuts the door then I walk over to my car. My phone vibrates. It¡¯s Emily. It¡¯s been an hour and she finally texts back.


    ¡°I miss you.¡±

 Chapter 20: Window Shades

    Emily IV


    June 5th, 2013


    It¡¯s Grace¡¯s birthday today. She turns 15 just in to for her sophomore year to begin. I¡¯ve seen her at least once a week through Skype calls with Sara. Grace has been getting better at doing her make-up thanks to Sara and I. She¡¯s becoming the beautiful girl I know she can become.


    It¡¯s been about two weeks since our last call so seeing her in person makes it all a bit more surprising. She¡¯s a bit taller and much prettier than on video.


    I¡¯ve been back for three days now. I spent my first entirely with my dad. Jerrica hasn¡¯t seen him in three years so we made it a day. We went to Seattle and spend half of it on the pier. Dad has gotten another job and was able to keep the house although he¡¯s struggling with saving up any money. I¡¯ve forgotten what it was like to see his smile.


    The second day, Jerrica spent the entire day with my dad while I was with Grace and Sara. I thought about telling Cody that I was back. It¡¯s the only reason why I texted him. I miss him. I want to tell him I¡¯m sorry that I am so distant. It¡¯s cruel and I didn¡¯t want to do it but I had to. I had to show him how much he hurt me. Maybe then he¡¯ll understand and we can finally be together.


    ¡°You haven¡¯t told Cody you¡¯re back?¡± Sara asks. We¡¯re dying her hair back to her natural brown color. Grace is helping me keep the bleach off the ground.


    ¡°I¡¯m kind of scared too.¡±


    ¡°He hasn¡¯t been the same without you.¡±


    ¡°I know.¡±


    ¡°He¡¯s been pretty sad, actually,¡± Grace mentions. ¡°You should go see him.¡±


    ¡°I know, I know.¡±


    ¡°Ach,¡± Sara winces. ¡°The bleach is starting to burn.¡±


    -


    I text Cody. I invite him to Grace¡¯s birthday party with the approval of the girl in honor. With the text, he¡¯ll now know I¡¯m here.


    Sara finishes the decorations in the forest¡¯s campsite while I manage to tie up the last balloon to the gazebo. Jerrica sets up the grill and Grace messes around with the music on the speaker.


    Isaac is the first to show up, then Chris. These two were the only two invited in the first place. Isaac has been into bodybuilding, he¡¯s been getting bigger. Chris has stayed the same although the bags under his eyes are heavier. The birthday party officially starts when Isaac rolls up a blunt.


    Jerrica starts the burgers with a blunt in her mouth. Chris and Isaac start a game of Uno with Grace and Sara. I don¡¯t like to play card games so I watch instead. Chris wins in a matter of a few turns, which was enough time for the first round of hamburgers to roll out. The game starts again and this time the loser all takes three shots. I¡¯m forced to take three just because I¡¯m not playing.


    Cody texts back.


    ¡°It¡¯s really u, isn¡¯t it?¡±


    I look up and I see Cody standing at the entrance of the campsite. He hasn¡¯t been taking care of himself. I smile at him, then wave. The group takes notice and all invite him in. Cody greets everyone, then greets Jerrica.


    He turns to me and says, ¡°You¡¯re back.¡±


    I smile and nod.


    His eyes are still gentle. ¡°I¡¯m glad,¡± he laughs nervously. ¡°It¡¯s not permanent?¡±


    ¡°No, it¡¯s just for the summer.¡±


    Cody joins in the game and he¡¯s the only one who manages to beat Chris. Sara convinces me to play a game. Isaac manages to get multiple plus fours and is out of the game for a while. Sara and Grace only manage to mess each other up. Chris ends up with Uno, but I pull out a plus two. Cody reverses him and Chris draws two cards before setting down a green three. I hit him back with another reverse but he puts down a green one as the first card he draws. Cody plus two¡¯s Isaac and declares Uno. Grace puts down a card, then Sara. From what I gather the only card Cody has in a red one. I blue skip Chris, but it was a mistake. Cody puts down his last card, a blue 7, and wins.


    We all take three shots.


    -


    The music is turned up all the way and we¡¯re all drunk enough to start dancing. It¡¯s a small and simple birthday party which is all I could ask for. I dance mostly with Grace and Sara. Cody is intentionally avoiding me, which is fine. We still haven¡¯t apologized to each other.


    I notice the way Grace glances over to Cody. She likes him but the feeling isn¡¯t mutual. Cody doesn¡¯t even bother to look at her, he looks at me instead. There¡¯s tension and I¡¯m not sure I like it. Jerrica notices this as well and pulls Cody to the side to talk to him. I let it go and carry on with letting the music control me.


    I get tired and sit down with Sara. I watch as my sister and Cody catch up. ¡°You think it¡¯s alright with him being here?¡± Sara asks.


    ¡°Yeah,¡± I smile. ¡°It¡¯s gonna be okay.¡±


    ¡°He doesn¡¯t seem mad at you, do you think it worked?¡±


    I sigh. It¡¯s the only thing I could hope for. It was a stupid plan to begin with. We have our issues we need to work out and I thought some distance would make it better. ¡°Yeah, it did.¡±


    Sara laughs. It¡¯s been so long since I heard her laugh. She¡¯s been getting better. ¡°You¡¯re a moron.¡±


    I laugh with her. ¡°I missed us.¡±


    ¡°Well, it took a while but things are getting back to normal.¡±


    Normal. That word is such an oxymoron. Nothing is ever normal. Nothing ever will be. The only normal thing are the clouds that loom over Darkwood. It¡¯s the only thing that hasn¡¯t changed since I left. I don¡¯t think it ever will.


    ¡°What are you doing here?!¡± I hear Cody shout.


    Sara and I look over. It¡¯s Andrew with a handle of vodka and his shit-eating grin. ¡°What you can¡¯t have a fucking party and not invite me. It ain¡¯t right!¡± He looks at all of us. His eyes stop at me for a moment and then at my sister. ¡°Ems¡¯ back? And her fine sister? Right-o!¡±


    ¡°Leave!¡± Cody tells me.


    ¡°What?! Why the fuck should I?¡±


    ¡°Andrew, you should go, I don¡¯t want you here,¡± Grace tells him. ¡°It¡¯s my party, I didn¡¯t invite you.¡±Unauthorized reproduction: this story has been taken without approval. Report sightings.


    Andrew gets offended, he frowns. ¡°Nah, fuck both of you. I¡¯m just here to party.¡± Andrew rushes over to the table next to us and slams the handle down and takes one of the baking patties and eats it half raw. ¡°Let¡¯s get this rager started, shall we?¡±


    ¡°Andrew, leave!¡±


    ¡°Majority votes, hunnie. Gay Isaac, y¡¯mind?¡± We all look at Isaac. He doesn¡¯t say or do anything. ¡°Sara?¡± Sara puts her head down. ¡°Ems¡¯ sister?¡± Jerrica looks at me for what to do. ¡°Ems?¡± All eyes are on me. Everyone wants me to tell Andrew to fuck off.


    Maybe if it was a few months ago when I hated Andrew for getting me in that accident, but it wasn¡¯t his fault. It was mine. Andrew only tried helping me and there wasn¡¯t anything he could do. I thought I hated him because he destroys everything he touches but being away for so long made me see things aren¡¯t that simple. Andrew likes to play hard but deep down I know he cares. It¡¯s the only reason he¡¯s here right now. He¡¯s hurt his friends don¡¯t want him anymore. I think Sara understands this the best, which is why she hasn¡¯t said anything.


    ¡°I think it¡¯s best if you left, Andrew. Nobody is comfortable with you around,¡± I finally say.


    Andrew drops his hands to his sides. I¡¯ve really hurt him now. Even if I don¡¯t mind him staying, everyone else wants him gone. ¡°Chris?¡±


    Chris stands up from leaning against the gazebo. ¡°Sorry.¡±


    Andrew scoffs and paces back and forth for a bit. ¡°Well isn¡¯t this fucking wonderful. Aren¡¯t we all just fucking peachy? And here I was thinking you guys were my friends. But oh no, Cody fucking hates me so not I¡¯m allowed to spend time with the only people I like. Just a bunch of fake boys.¡±


    Cody rushes to Andrew and grabs him by the collar. ¡°What is your fucking problem?!¡±


    Andrew laughs, ¡°Oh ho, what? You¡¯re gonna lose it again and try to beat the shit out of me again? I¡¯m ready for it Cody-cakes.¡±


    ¡°No one wants you here, no one likes you! Just fucking leave!¡±


    Andrew grabs Cody by the collar too. They have each other by the throat. I look over at Sara. We¡¯re worried the two are going to start fighting. The last time it happened both of them practically broke each other¡¯s faces. Grace screams at them to stop.


    ¡°What the fuck did I ever do to you Cody? You think it¡¯s all my fault huh? I¡¯m not the one who killed her. I¡¯m not the one who crashed the car. You¡¯re just projecting, mate.¡±


    I¡¯ve seen Cody explode only a few times. It¡¯s going to happen again but my body is too stiff to move. Everyone is too stiff to move. I look over to Jerrica, she¡¯s just fascinated by it all. I look over to Grace, who is being held by Sara. they¡¯re both scared.


    Cody pushes Andrew down. ¡°You did! You did fucking kill Elizabeth! You¡¯re the one who fucked her up on all the coke and molly! You¡¯re the one who fucking gave her all those ideas that nothing ever fucking matters!¡±


    Andrew just laughs as he gets up. ¡°You¡¯re hilarious. As if I¡¯m the one who fucked with her head all the time. What did you tell her again? That she¡¯s in the tall grass? That she¡¯s Morning Glory? You¡¯re a headfuck, Cody, you already have been. Emily knows,¡± Andrew gestures towards me. ¡°He¡¯s been fucking with your head all this time hasn¡¯t he?¡±


    ¡°Andrew, stop it!¡± I tell him.


    ¡°Or what about you Grace? Doesn¡¯t he fuck with your head too? You like him, he knows that and yet the two of you are best friends now, leading you on and on,¡± Andrew turns his attention back to Cody. ¡°You¡¯re just a joke, mate.¡±


    Cody should explode now, but he doesn¡¯t. Cody doesn¡¯t say anything. He just stares at Andrew without moving.


    Andrew laughs again. ¡°Don¡¯t like being called out on your bullshit? Do you want to know what Ellie told me? She called me the best fuck she ever had.¡±


    ¡°You fucking bastard!¡± Cody snaps. He charges at Andrew but Andrew punches him in the gut. Andrew tries to throw a punch but Cody tackles him to the ground. I see Cody punch Andrew in the face a couple of times.


    Chris charges in and tries to pull Cody off but isn''t strong enough. Isaac runs in to help him and it takes them a few seconds to pull Cody off. Cody struggles to break free and headbutts Chris to free his arms. Chris doesn¡¯t struggle and pulls Cody completely off.


    Andrew is laughing like a maniac. He gets off and wipes off the blood on his face. Cody breaks free from Chris and Isaac. Cody is calm again. ¡°That¡¯s right, you¡¯re a fucking monster.¡±


    ¡°Are you done?!¡±


    ¡°Both of you, stop it! You¡¯re ruining my birthday!¡± Grace yells.


    ¡°She¡¯ll still be here if it wasn¡¯t for you letting her meet Lyle. That¡¯s who she got the gun from, isn¡¯t it?¡± Cody exhales and composes himself. ¡°He killed her.¡±


    ¡°And he¡¯s going to fucking kill me if you don¡¯t help me like I fucking asked. He¡¯s going to kill us all, but whatever. Have you stupid little party,¡± Andrew starts to turn around, ¡°It¡¯s fucking shit anyways,¡± and leaves.


    We all stand awkwardly for a moment. I¡¯m finally able to hear my heartbeat. It¡¯s racing. Sara sighs and lets go of Grace¡¯s hand. ¡°Glad that¡¯s over. How did he find out?¡±


    No one knows. Andrew has a supernatural sense when it comes to finding shindigs. Grace walks over to the table and makes herself a drink. I walk over to Cody who¡¯s wincing in pain. ¡°Are you okay?¡±


    ¡°I¡¯m fine,¡± he says rubbing his stomach.


    ¡°You lost control again.¡±


    Cody locks eyes with me. ¡°You cut your hair. It¡¯s nice.¡±


    I can¡¯t help but smile. ¡°You should sit down, you¡¯re hurt.¡±


    Cody just smirks and goes over to sit down next to Grace. I sigh and control my breathing afterward. Everyone¡¯s silent so the only thing that¡¯s playing is the music which makes everything awkward.


    Sara slaps her thighs and says, ¡°I¡¯m going to make sure he¡¯s okay the bastard.¡± She waits for Grace to nod before she goes.


    ¡°Well that was pretty intense, Gracie are you okay?¡± my sister asks while grabbing a drink from her.


    ¡°I just want to drink.¡±


    ¡°You and me both,¡± Jerrica laughs. ¡°Want one, Cody?¡±


    ¡°Sure, why not?¡±


    -


    Sara ends up coming back an hour later and we decide to end the outdoor birthday party. She takes a slightly drunk Grace home for her mom¡¯s birthday dinner. Isaac and Chis go their separate ways and Jerrica lies about Dad needing her help so Cody and I get to be alone.


    It''s awkward at first and I hate it. I don¡¯t think I can remember the last time there was this awkwardness between us. Cody is different now, he seems so unsure of himself now. It¡¯s like he doesn¡¯t know what to do. The very first thing he tells me is that the treehouse was destroyed by a lightning strike a few weeks ago.


    ¡°What?¡±


    ¡°Yeah, yeah. There¡¯s nothing left but your polaroids scattered everywhere.¡±


    We decide to go check it out to save whatever is left. It¡¯s been weeks and nobody has told me. If anything I expected Cody to text me when he found out, but he never did. Maybe I don¡¯t deserve to know, I did leave after all. The walk through the woods is a short one and we find our trail to the treehouse under five minutes. It¡¯s been raining a lot lately so the creek we usually just walk over requires us to jump across it. Cody manages just fine but I stumble on my landing and almost fall. Cody grabs my arms before I do and catches me.


    The treehouse is gone. The wood is shattered and scattered everywhere and the polaroids are everywhere. They¡¯re all mostly ruined but I manage to find some intact under the broken wood.


    ¡°Are you sad?¡±


    ¡°Of course, you idiot.¡± I stare at one of my favorites that I¡¯ve taken. It¡¯s been completely ruined and I can barely tell what it is. ¡°Are you trying to guilt-trip me?¡±


    ¡°What?¡± Cody scoffs, ¡°No. I just never told you. I thought you should know.¡±


    ¡°Oh, right. My bad.¡±


    ¡°You¡¯re bad at saying my bad.¡±


    ¡°And you¡¯re bad at making jokes,¡± I laugh and with that, the awkwardness ends between us.


    Cody chuckles and then ends up laughing against his will.


    I dreamt about this day, about what he would say and what I would say. I had anxiety attacks over it and it¡¯s been on my mind before I even boarded the plane. I wonder if he will forgive me, I wonder if he hates me. I know he missed me.


    Cody doesn¡¯t talk about it. He¡¯s avoiding it as I thought. As much as I want to talk about everything, he doesn¡¯t bring anything up and acts like everything is fine between us. Jerrica told me that I should just force it out of him because he¡¯ll never have the guts to get angry at me. Soran told me that I should go back and apologize, that I¡¯m acting like a kid. Perhaps he¡¯s right.


    It¡¯s just one of those things that I have no idea how to handle. I took him by the throat to make him understand how I feel and yet I¡¯m a coward for wanting to act like I never did that. Andrew called Cody a headfuck but I¡¯m just as much as a headfuck as him. We¡¯re just too headfucks trying passive-aggressively trying to get back at each other. Soran is right, I am acting like a kid.


    Cody isn¡¯t my entire life. I shouldn¡¯t focus everything around him. I¡¯m so afraid of being alone that I never learned how to. Soran has been helping me out with this. He doesn¡¯t play games, he doesn¡¯t bullshit around. Soran doesn¡¯t tell me what to do or say and treats me like a person, not his girlfriend.


    That¡¯s why I like him so much.


    There will be a point where I have to tell Cody that I can¡¯t marry him; that we work best as friends. I thought I could do it here in the ruins of the treehouse but I just can¡¯t. Instead, we just ruminate over our memories here while that overhanging thought is above my head. I don¡¯t think I can ever tell him.


    Things are always changing, and there isn¡¯t a single thing that anyone can ever do to stop it.

 Chapter 21: Nothing Else Matters

    Andrew IV


    June 15th, 2013


    I don¡¯t think I have much time left.


    It¡¯s not like it matters anyway. I don¡¯t have anyone anymore. Grace has been avoiding me like the plague. I haven¡¯t heard a peep from her since that night I took her out. I also haven¡¯t heard anything from Cody. Grace must have never told him, or at least not yet. The way they act with each other makes it so damn obvious. But it¡¯s good for Gracie, no matter how much Cody is an idiot, he¡¯s a good guy.


    Sara is still mad at me for spoiling Grace¡¯s party. I don¡¯t see the big deal behind it, I just tried to have some fun. I tried talking to Emily now that she¡¯s back. She doesn¡¯t respond often, but she responds. I don¡¯t think she wants anything to do with me. I still love her, I think I do. It¡¯s not easy to remove her from my thoughts.


    I got no one and I spend more time at home because of it.


    Dad¡¯s been a bigger dick lately. The drunk hasn¡¯t been drinking as much and has been spending much of his day awake. Now that Sara¡¯s been gone, the house has gone to shit. It¡¯s the only reason why he wants her back. He even lies about missing her.


    ¡°You¡¯re such a piece of shit, useless fucker, Andrew. Clean up the fucking house for once. You¡¯re a useless mouth to feed,¡± he says to me when I try to go to the kitchen for a glass of water.


    I learned to ignore him at this point but the words still get to me. Words have been getting to me lately. Everything has been getting to me lately. But what the fuck does it matter what I think? Dad is right, I am worthless. I destroy everything that I touch.


    ¡°Clean up the fucking house today, cunt!¡± he screams at me. Then he hits me in the back of the head. I want to fight back but I don¡¯t. I don¡¯t know why I don¡¯t. I just do what I¡¯m told.


    I¡¯m broken.


    I clean what I can and by the end of it, the house looks livable. I lay in my bed and just stare at the ceiling. There isn¡¯t a thing in the world that I haven¡¯t ruined. I pushed away all the people that tolerated me. All this power I have and for what?


    July 4th, that¡¯s the day where I won¡¯t matter anymore.


    It¡¯s what I¡¯ve been trying to accomplish all my life right? I fucking hate everything so it¡¯s right for everything to hate me right back. I don¡¯t deserve to be happy. Not anymore, not after I killed that guy.


    -


    I wonder the streets. It¡¯s raining again and my hoodie has been getting soaked for the past hour. I walk and walk, I¡¯m angry. There shouldn¡¯t be any reason for me to feel like this. It¡¯s weak and I¡¯m not weak. I never have been and I¡¯m not about to start.


    I walk so damn much that I manage to find myself to the only entrance to the town. There are only two things here, a gas station and the diner. The diner is the only place I can go from here and it seems like a good place to calm down. Everyone from town comes here. It¡¯s a place where everyone gets to know each other. It¡¯s 8 pm so nobody but the old farts are here. Usually, when I come here I can always recognize at least more than two people but tonight the only people I know are the grandparents of that girl Jana Kramer. They¡¯re always in the diner.


    I don¡¯t greet them so they don¡¯t notice me. I keep to myself and sit in the corner and await the old waitress that¡¯s been trying to fuck me since I was 14. Look over at Jana¡¯s grandparents who are having a laugh. They¡¯re the oldest married couple in Darkwood and perhaps the only positive thing that has ever come out of this shit town. I once caught their last names by one of the waitresses. They¡¯re the Elledge¡¯s which I found odd. When I asked them about it I found out they¡¯re the parents of Jana Kramer¡¯s dad. I found that even odder because Jana Kramer doesn¡¯t share their name.


    The diner¡¯s door open and somebody new comes in but I don¡¯t pay attention to see who it is.


    I pressed the Elledge¡¯s even further and found that Jana Kramer¡¯s name isn¡¯t even her real name. It¡¯s Freyja Elledge and they have no idea why everybody calls her Jana Kramer. I don¡¯t think anyone knows this information and I plan to use it on Jana Kramer to get her to fuck me. All I¡¯m waiting on is her to fix herself up because she¡¯s been a trainwreck all year and not even I¡¯m that deprive to touch that.


    ¡°Oh, it¡¯s you.¡±


    ¡°Hmm?¡± I look up from the menu.


    It¡¯s Emily¡¯s sister. I think her name is Jessica or something. Shit, she¡¯s taller and way prettier than Emily. I wouldn¡¯t mind hitting it. ¡°What are you doing here? Andrew, right?¡±


    I smirk, ¡°Yeah, you Ems¡¯ sister, yeah?¡±


    ¡°Jerrica, it¡¯s a pleasure to formally meet you, I guess.¡± She has the nerve to sit across me. ¡°It¡¯s almost 9, from all the stories I heard I figured you¡¯d be out drinking trying to bang something tonight.¡±


    ¡°Stories are just stories, love unless you want to make them come true?¡±


    Jerrica giggles. It¡¯s similar to Emily¡¯s but a bit deeper. ¡°Nice, try buddy. What are you doing here? You¡¯re all wet.¡±


    ¡°Shit, that isn¡¯t my fault. I just can¡¯t control all these hoes.¡±


    ¡°You¡¯re funny,¡± she laughs.


    ¡°Thanks, love. You¡¯re pretty fine yourself.¡±


    Jerrica smirks. I don¡¯t actually expect any of this work, not to this girl. She doesn¡¯t strike me as a dumb idiot who falls for the simplest of plans. I just want to mess her a bit so I can get her to leave me alone.


    ¡°In what world does saying all of this get into a girl¡¯s pants?¡±


    ¡°More than you think,¡± I laugh. She laughs too. ¡°Less than it should.¡±


    She sighs and takes the menu from me. ¡°What is the world coming to?¡±


    ¡°What are you doing?¡±


    ¡°What?¡±


    ¡°Don¡¯t you get it? I want you to leave and not take the menu from me like I¡¯m just gonna let you sit here.¡±This story has been taken without authorization. Report any sightings.


    Jerrica moves the menu from her face, allowing me to only see half of it. ¡°And why not? I¡¯m allowed.¡±


    God, she¡¯s annoying me. ¡°Unless you¡¯re paying or fucking me, fuck off, yeah?¡±


    Jerrica puts the menu down and sighs. ¡°Fine, I¡¯m paying. Will that shut you up?¡±


    ¡°Shit, you better.¡±


    The waitress comes by and asks for my order. She gives me a snarky look when she asks for Jerrica¡¯s order. I take this time to look at the bitch. She doesn''t have her natural red hair dyed a darker color like her sister¡¯s. Jerrica doesn¡¯t have freckles but her face is a bit longer. Shit, she¡¯s a real beaut that I can¡¯t put into words. Jerrica locks her eyes with mine. She has dark green ones which shouldn¡¯t be natural. Her face is tall and her cheeks are a bit concave. She''s pretty.


    ¡°You never answered the question,¡± she asks when the waitress leaves. ¡°What are you doing here?¡±


    ¡°All those stories you heard? Why aren¡¯t they scaring you off as I want them too?¡±


    She smiles, ¡°Not all of them are bad y¡¯ know. Quite honestly, that stunt you pulled at Grace¡¯s birthday party scratched that part of my head that doesn¡¯t let things go.¡±


    ¡°Shit, Emily must have not told you the right stories then.¡±


    ¡°Oh no, she did. I just compared them to the positive ones and tried to figure out why you act the way you do. That¡¯s what interests me, you¡¯re unlike anyone I ever met.¡±


    ¡°Oh yeah? She told you ¡®bout the time I got caught fucking in the girl¡¯s locker room. Dean Scrotum nearly expelled me from that stunt.¡±


    ¡°She did.¡±


    ¡°¡®Bout the time I got us in that club in Seattle. I ended up fighting some guys and got the night shut down.¡±


    ¡°And you only did it because you thought it would be funny. I¡¯m not kidding when I said she told me all.¡±


    I can¡¯t quite wrap my head around it. ¡°So what the fuck does this interest you? What¡¯s there to figure out? I¡¯m a dick, I know that. I don¡¯t give a fuck, I know that.¡±


    ¡°Hmm,¡± Jerrica taps her cheek with her index finger. ¡°I think it¡¯s much more complex than that, isn¡¯t it? It¡¯s all for attention right? It has to be.¡±


    I scoff, ¡°I could give exactly zero fucks what anyone thinks of me. Shit, I don¡¯t give a fuck what you think.¡±


    Jerrica just smiles and stays silent. She wants to say something but doesn¡¯t have the heart to say it. She¡¯s a coward like everyone else. From what I know, Jerrica is four years older than Emily. She¡¯s probably in college and her major is psychology based on the words she¡¯s chosen tonight.


    ¡°You know what I think? I think you just finished some ¡®deep¡¯ psychology class over the semester and now over-analyze people because you think you can. You think it¡¯ll somehow make you better understand people and in turn, make you a better psychologist.¡±


    Jerrica laughs, ¡°And you¡¯re smart. Emily wasn¡¯t kidding. But that¡¯s where you¡¯re wrong. I don¡¯t want to be a psychologist. I¡¯m in school to be a lawyer. I only analyze only truly interesting people.¡±


    ¡°Well, you¡¯re one weird bitch then.¡±


    Jerrica grins, ¡°Thanks I take pride in it.¡±


    ¡°What else you got on me?¡±


    The waitress comes back with my soda and her water. Jerrica takes a drink before talking. ¡°You¡¯re not ready for it all. I do think that you should be better to your sister though.¡±


    I shrug, ¡°What about her? I talk to her often, she¡¯s fine where she is.¡±


    ¡°Yeah, but have you actually talked to her? What I mean is, have you made sure she¡¯s been okay? From what I was told, she ran away right? Do you know why? Have you asked her if she¡¯s been okay? Has she been open with you or have you brushed her off thinking she¡¯ll do alright by herself.¡±


    Of course, I have. When I asked her why she ran away she couldn¡¯t tell me. I just assumed she¡¯ll tell me when she¡¯s ready but it¡¯s been nearly nine months and she hasn¡¯t said a thing. Shit. Is Jerrica right? She is. I barely ask if Sara¡¯s doing okay. Fuck, I¡¯m a shit brother just like I¡¯m shit at everything else I do.


    ¡°You know how I haven¡¯t answered your question?¡±


    ¡°Yeah, and I¡¯m still waiting.¡±


    ¡°I''m here because I have nowhere to go.¡±


    Jerrica frowns.


    -


    I think about everything Jerrica and I talked about it. She¡¯s nuts but I never met anyone like her. Everything she said she said with the same confidence I have. She knows what she wants and doesn¡¯t let anything get in her way. I wouldn¡¯t mind stealing a fuck from her after all.


    Once I left the diner, I text Sara and ask her if she¡¯s okay. I ask her if I can come over.


    Sara opens the door at Gracie¡¯s house with a small smile on her face. Now that¡¯s a rare sight to see. Sara hugs me with her own sheer will. She holds me tight and I have no choice but to hug back. Sara rests her head on my shoulder, ¡°Thank you,¡± she says quietly before starting to cry.


    I expected more of Sara. I always thought of her to be strong and willful. Talking to Jerrica made me realize that she¡¯s the opposite. Sara is weak and fragile. She¡¯s nothing more than my little sister who lets herself be eaten away by her fear. I¡¯m the strong one. I must be strong for her so she can save herself from her fears. Years, even months ago I would¡¯ve pushed Sara off by now but not tonight.


    I¡¯ve seen Sara in the depths of hell. I¡¯ve seen her crawl out and fight until her last drop to move in with Grace. I¡¯ve seen her covered in her blood. I¡¯ve seen my little sister begs for her death and so it is why she¡¯s allowed to cry. Sara must cry because I made it all go away. I only wish that I could take away all the memories.


    All of her tears are just from the simple act of me asking if she¡¯s okay.


    ¡°It¡¯s alright, it¡¯s alright. Everything is okay now, Sara,¡± I whisper to her. Grace¡¯s mom comes to the door and doesn¡¯t say anything. She has a smile on her and mouths something to me. ¡°All you have to do is to live the life that I couldn¡¯t.¡±


    ¡°I have to tell you some things,¡± she sniffs.


    ¡°Anything, sis,¡±


    She takes a deep breath and gently pushes me off. ¡°I¡¯m gay, Andrew. I like girls.¡±


    I take a step back and look at Sara¡¯s ruined, smiling face. She¡¯s awaiting a response but I always knew she¡¯s a lesbian. I laugh. ¡°You¡¯re stupid if you didn¡¯t think I knew. You¡¯re my sister goddamn it, it¡¯s my duty to instinctively know.¡± I¡¯ve been waiting for a long ass time for her to tell me. I always wonder what the fuck she was doing with Lucas.


    ¡°What?!¡±


    ¡°I always knew. I always thought you were gonna tell me at some point, but I guess I never made it easy for you, did I?¡±


    Sara wants to laugh but stops herself. She smiles instead. ¡°You have no idea how long I waited to tell you. Since when did you know?¡±


    ¡°I don¡¯t know, I always had a hunch since we were kids. I didn¡¯t know-know until Jana Kramer started to hang out with us last year. You looked at her differently.¡±


    Sara pushes me back and I get a Mera special smirk from her. ¡°You¡¯re such a dick! So you don¡¯t care?¡±


    ¡°Why would I care?¡±


    Sara stands stunned. Perhaps she didn¡¯t tell me because she thought I was homophobic but it¡¯s all in good fun, I never meant anything. Maybe she didn¡¯t know that. Fuck. Jerrica is right again, the past will always come back to haunt me. It¡¯s the ghost that looms over me. Sara is a spitting image of our mom now that she dyed her hair back brown. Sara still holds Mom on a pedestal, but would it be a good idea to break that illusion?


    ¡°I-I guess it doesn¡¯t matter now. I¡¯m just happy to get that off my chest.¡±


    ¡°Andrew, would you like to come inside and have dinner?¡± Grace¡¯s mom asks from behind.


    ¡°Mom we already ate,¡± Sara speaks before words come out of my mouth. Sara is truly good here. She sees Virginia as a mother now. That¡¯s all I can ask for, I knew I could trust her. I¡¯m glad she trusted me.


    ¡°I wasn¡¯t asking you to eat again, Sara,¡± she chuckles.


    I ate with Jerrica not even an hour ago but I haven¡¯t had a home cook meal in years so, ¡°Yeah sure.¡±


    Sara and Virginia step to the side to let me in. I¡¯ve almost forgotten that all my clothes are still soaked. Virginia hands me a towel and tells me to dry off in the bathroom. I do my best but at most I can only get everything damp. Sara is sitting at the dining table with some tea while Virginia is at the kitchen prepping something. I sit down and my sister smiles at me.


    I never felt so at home.


    I only have a month left. I wonder how things will play out after that. I wonder if atoning for everything I¡¯ve done is worth it. I wonder if it¡¯s even possible to forgive myself. I¡¯m a monster. All of that doesn¡¯t matter now though. Don¡¯t know why the words of some girl who doesn¡¯t even know me are getting to me. Jerrica called me broken, but not destroyed.


    But hell is just a death away and I''m staring at the barrel of the gun.

 Chapter 22: Women With Wings

    Virginia


    Most of the time I wish my little girl, Gracie would have grown up with a father. I¡¯ve been on my own for a decade and two years. I don¡¯t know how to raise a kid; I can only do from the examples from my parents. I know how Grace is going to end up for the most part. A high school is a harsh place. It was for me. The more I see of Grace¡¯s friends and the kids around town, the more I regret moving here. I¡¯m slowly watching my little girl fade away but I know it¡¯s just part of life. All I have to be the best mother I can be.


    But the feeling of losing a daughter granted me another, Sara. She was untrustworthy, unpredictable, emotional and a delinquent when she came into my house. I still remember the day where her brother begged me to take her in. He said it¡¯s the only way she could be kept alive. I often wonder where we would all be if I turned her away.


    It¡¯s was only when we had a one on one with her is when I allowed her to stay. It was an interview for her. But I managed to learn almost everything that¡¯s been going on with Sara. She wasn¡¯t afraid to be honest. I was scared at first when I learned that she was a coke addict. That was saying that my daughter will go down the same path. Sara, however, proved to me that she¡¯s trying to change. She even offered to give up her privacy rights just so I can make sure she¡¯s being clean. Sara also told me about her not so happy family life between her brother and father. The whole reason why she came here was to get away from their constant fighting but I know there¡¯s something else. I just know there is and by best guess is abuse.


    Somewhere along the line, I don¡¯t remember when exactly, I visited Sara¡¯s home. It made me realize that I made the right decision to let her stay with us. I talked to her father and he couldn¡¯t care less if I was taking care of Sara. He¡¯s nothing but a drunk. His brother wasn¡¯t much better although I know he cares a lot more than he lets on. I feel bad for him, mostly.


    Sara helps me out with everything and often cleans the house for me when I¡¯m out working late. It took me months to get rid of her punk girl''s look and give her a normal girl''s appearance. She wasn¡¯t happy with it at first but she quickly realized it made her feel like she¡¯s a new person. Sara added a conversation between Grace and me and made the house louder at times.


    It soon became apparent that Sara wasn¡¯t stable and that she was suffering from massive depression. I once found her unable to get out of bed for an entire week just because she didn¡¯t feel like it. On the days where I came home from lunch break, I would often catch her crying in her room and wouldn¡¯t stop for an hour. I wanted her to get some professional help but Grace¡¯s psychologist leaves me with no room to spend extra money.


    Seeing how nice this girl was made me start to connect with her more. As the days passed, we talked more personally and she became more open with me. It came down to the point where she can talk to me about everything. I became a sort of her outlet. All her secrets are safe with me except I always get the feeling that she¡¯s always keeping me away from something.


    Then after all of that and a few months of her living with me, it felt like Sara was my child. I used to never wake up during Sara¡¯s nightmares but now it¡¯s a regular motherly thing I do to make sure she¡¯s safe.


    I swear Sara is someone special if I ever met one. She doesn¡¯t deserve all the fighting she¡¯s been enduring.


    While all of this has been happening, Grace has only become more distant. My mom tells me that this is normal and it always happens. ¡°You hated me for the first three years of high school,¡± She jokes when I asked her about it. It¡¯s been so long that I hardly remember.


    I just feel that she¡¯s going to turn to the path that Sara once took. I see how she hangs around her friends in her year. I see how she hangs around that boy, Cody. She¡¯s in love with him and he doesn¡¯t feel the same way. It¡¯s heartbreaking for her but it¡¯s making her stronger.


    And it¡¯s not like Gracie outright tells me she hates me. All I¡¯ve noticed is that she¡¯s quieter about her friends and adventures. I already know Gracie started to smoke weed and drinks. She¡¯s not exactly the best at keeping it a secret. Part of only having one child and living in a town where I don¡¯t know anyone is that nobody is there to tell me how to talk to her about it. At least it¡¯s weed though. I started smoking at her age too so I can¡¯t judge.


    I do want her to be kept away from the ugly world of drugs and sex though. If I don¡¯t do anything soon, Grace will end up in my position with a child at the age of 17.


    -


    Grace gets in the car before I do. ¡°How does it feel to go to your last psychology lesson?¡± I ask her.


    My daughter sighs. ¡°Great is the only word I can think of.¡± Grace puts down her phone on her lap. ¡°When are you going to teach me how to drive?¡±


    I start the car, ¡°Oh so you want to drive know?¡±


    ¡°I want to drive now.¡±


    I laugh and pull out the driveway. ¡°You wish,¡±


    ¡°Oh come on! I¡¯m old enough; I even pay attention to everything you do when you drive.¡±


    ¡°Really?¡±


    ¡°Yeah, I¡¯ve been paying attention for two months now.¡±


    ¡°No I mean are you really old enough to drive? I didn¡¯t learn until I was nineteen.¡±


    Gracie chuckles. ¡°We¡¯re not living in the stone age mom. Everyone knows how to drive when they¡¯re 15.¡±


    ¡°That¡¯s probably why there are so many teenage car accidents,¡± I say and then look at Grace. ¡°You¡¯re serious about this, aren¡¯t you, Gracie?¡±


    She nods, ¡°Yeah I am. I don¡¯t want to rely on you driving me everywhere or riding my bike everywhere.¡±


    ¡°Well if you start now, go to driving school and take the test you should have your license in a year. How does that sound?¡±


    ¡°Will I have my own car?¡± She asks.


    I scoff. ¡°Of course not, I can¡¯t afford one. If you want one to get a job and buy a used one.¡±


    ¡°There¡¯s always a catch in life,¡± Gracie sighs.


    I laugh. ¡°You¡¯re finally realizing how the world works.¡±


    ¡°What does that mean?¡±


    ¡°It means you¡¯re growing up.¡±


    ¡°Oh cool.¡±


    There are a few minutes of calm silence. I catch Gracie staring outside her window, transfixed at the world around her. Something is bothering her. I just know it; mother¡¯s intuition and all.


    ¡°Hey, Mom, can I ask you a question. It¡¯s kind of personal and I know you don¡¯t like to talk about it. But I just want to finally know.¡±


    ¡°Yeah, sure go ahead.¡±


    ¡°How was Dad like?¡±


    Grace¡¯s father, Joseph, hmm, that¡¯s a tough one. I only knew him for a week before he got me pregnant. If Gracie wouldn¡¯t turn out so perfect I would¡¯ve regretted going to that party with him.


    I think it took me two months after I found out that I was pregnant to muster up the courage to tell him. I was already three months in and was deathly afraid of his reaction. My mom wanted to throw me out but luckily my dad was calm enough to be rational. I¡¯m not saying he wasn¡¯t mad, but at least he didn¡¯t outright show it in front of my face. But Joseph¡¯s reaction was the best. He was completely excited to have a kid.


    Joseph stuck around. My parents were the most surprised. He didn¡¯t hesitate to drop out of school and start working with his father. He encouraged me to graduate and get a better education in college. We didn¡¯t know how it will all work out, but he made it possible.


    I remember that we never confirmed our relationship. We never really talked about it because we were so busy taking care of baby Gracie. It was weird really, all my friends joked that we were friends with a kid. It never really stopped me from loving him though. Stolen story; please report.


    I remember being so lost when he was killed in the car accident. I also remember that I wanted to drive that day. It would¡¯ve been me who would be dead if Joel would¡¯ve let me drive. It was a miracle that Gracie survived too.


    But no, I never really got to know Joseph on a deep, emotional level. All I know is that he was a nice, caring and dependable person. He showed me how much a person can accomplish if one is given the motivation. I know Joel loved Gracie and would¡¯ve been proud of her now.


    So I tell her all this.


    ¡°Wow¡­¡± She sighs. ¡°I wish I could¡¯ve met him.¡±


    ¡°I wish that too, honey. Now come on, we¡¯re here so let¡¯s get this over with.¡± I say turning off the engine.


    After Gracie¡¯s finished with her session, the psychologist tells me that she should be fine and shouldn¡¯t have nightmares and her small panic attacks when she sees blood. I ask him if I can set an appointment for Sara. I swear once Sara can finds peace I¡¯m saving up for a vacation.


    But things aren''t that simple, I¡¯m not naive.


    Grace wants to be more independent, ideas I''ve slowly been letting her place in her life. After her session, I drive her over to her friend Liz. All Sara wants to do is to grow out of her shell. Some days are better than others, today is the betters ones. I find her with her knees shaking on the couch. She stands up when I close the door.


    ¡°What¡¯s up, Sara?¡±


    Sara tries to speak but no words come out. She then fumbles her words and I have to tell her to calm down. Sara sighs and then takes a deep breath when she sits back down. ¡°I don¡¯t know how long I¡¯ve been waiting to tell you this.¡±


    When I invited Andrew over for dinner, I could tell that Sara has never been more relaxed than that night. She wanted to tell us something that night but Andrew¡¯s constant talking never allowed her too. Sara then grew more nervous as the night went on but she could never say what she wanted to say. It¡¯s been on her mind ever since that night but she could never quite bring it out. I already know what it is so I didn¡¯t want to force it out of her.


    Yet when she tells me, my heart still drops. I always had an idea of what she wanted to tell me. It¡¯s the reason why she lives with me. Andrew knows too but I don¡¯t think he knows about this. Sara finishes her words and her entire body¡¯s limp. I stand her up and wrap my arms around her because I don¡¯t know any other thing to do. I try my best to think of something to say or something to do but nothing feels right, nothing would make it better.


    Sara starts to shake and then a few moments later, breaks down.


    -


    The logistics of Sara¡¯s situation isn¡¯t easy to pursue. It isn¡¯t easy to prove. It¡¯s not easy to face it head-on anyways. The first thing I do is get the story from Sara. It takes hours for her to get her to tell me everything, but she tells me. It¡¯s not easy to hear, I can¡¯t imagine how hard it is or Sara.


    I get in contact with Andrew next. Sara pleads with me not to tell him. She argues that he¡¯ll do something stupid and is scared that¡¯ll it push him over the line. She¡¯s right, but Sara isn¡¯t the mother. I invite Andrew over and Sara shuts herself in her room. Andrew doesn¡¯t react when I tell him. Instead, he waits until I¡¯m finished and he just looks down. Andrew looks up and says, ¡°Don¡¯t you think it¡¯s stupid to tell me? Do you know what I¡¯m going to do after I leave here?¡±


    ¡°You aren¡¯t going to do anything and let the adult handle this. I just want to let you know what¡¯s going to happen.¡±


    Andrew shrugs. He¡¯s so sure of himself that I can¡¯t even tell if he¡¯s pissed off. ¡°So what¡¯s going to happen?¡±


    ¡°Nothing, yet. Just let me handle it.¡±


    Andrew laughs and smacks the table before getting up. ¡°Nah, let me tell you what¡¯s going to happen. You¡¯re gonna call the cops right now because if you don¡¯t, that fucker¡¯s dead, yeah?¡±


    ¡°Andrew!¡±


    My words don¡¯t reach him. He¡¯s out the door before I piece together that Sara was indeed right. I run outside and see he¡¯s bolting down the street. I can feel his anger and it scares me. It¡¯s almost supernatural. Andrew lives on the other side of town so even if he is running, it¡¯ll take him a while to get there. He isn¡¯t bothering to answering his phone so I¡¯m forced to chase him. The keys are upstairs laying on my countertop so I waste a minute there. By the time I¡¯m on the road, I don¡¯t see Andrew anywhere.


    Andrew¡¯s nowhere to be seen which doesn¡¯t make sense. I would have caught up to him by now but he¡¯s not anywhere. Logically, I can only think that he went inside the forest to cut straight through town. Still, I should have gotten there before him. There¡¯s a car crash on one of the streets so I sit there for minutes. I don¡¯t have the choice but to call the cops. I can¡¯t stop Andrew from here.


    I get to the house before the police even do. There¡¯s nothing but silence but I¡¯m cautious when I enter.


    ¡°Fuck, fuck, fuck! Did she call the cops?!¡± I hear his father.


    ¡°So it¡¯s true?!¡±


    ¡°I gotta get out of here!¡±


    I turn the corner of the living room where I can see they¡¯re in the kitchen. Andrew is eyeing a pair of keys and then grabs them. His father notices this.


    ¡°Give me the keys, Andrew.¡±


    Andrew backs off and shakes his head.


    ¡°Give me the fuckings keys.¡±


    Andrew clutches the keys tighter as his father tries to grab them. ¡°Nah,¡± Andrew shakes his head again.


    Andrew¡¯s father sniffs and then laughs. It¡¯s similar to Andrews. ¡°Don¡¯t be a fucking idiot, Andrew. I didn¡¯t fucking even remember it. Now give me the keys so I can fucking leave.¡±


    ¡°No!¡± Andrew is breaking down. Out of all the stories Sara shared about him, she never once mention one where he cried. Andrew never struck me as someone who does. Yet away from everyone and only to his father, he¡¯s crying.


    I need to stop this but nothing is happening just yet. The worst-case scenario didn¡¯t happen and I¡¯m unsure of what Andrew wants here. He¡¯s vulnerable here. Andrew¡¯s exactly who I thought he is.


    His father pulls a switchblade and holds it to his face. ¡°Give me the fucking keys, Andrew, or I¡¯ll fucking slit your throat. Don¡¯t fucking think I¡¯ll do it because I don¡¯t give a shit.¡±


    Andrew bawls his eyes out and clenches his fists around the keys. ¡°Neither do I,¡± he weeps.


    ¡°Stop it, both of you,¡± I make my presence known.


    They both look over, then two officers shout for Andrew¡¯s father to put the switchblade down.


    -


    The unthinkable happens.


    Sara¡¯s and Andrew¡¯s father confesses to social services and gets arrested almost immediately. We¡¯re brought in for further questioning and they ask me specifically why I¡¯ve been letting Sara stay with me. They ask me my role in all this then they question Sara about me.


    In the end, Sara gets her justice. It¡¯s all too quick and surreal. Sara herself can¡¯t even express herself right. She hardly speaks and when she does she doesn¡¯t have emotion behind it. I don¡¯t get it at all, why isn¡¯t she happy?


    I learned days later of the court dates. I learn where Andrew is going. Sara, much like her brother tells me that I should take him in. It happens so casually over dinner that it even catches Gracie off guard. It¡¯s ridiculous. No. The idea is absurd. I act like I don¡¯t even hear it.


    Sara asks again the following day. I ignore her again but Gracie doesn¡¯t. She tells Sara that Andrew¡¯s too much of a jerk to be around all the time. Sara doesn¡¯t say anything back.


    Days go by and Sara withdraws herself even more. I force myself to set an appointment with a therapist for her. I can¡¯t watch herself hide from the world. I thought things would get better, things were getting better then they just¡­


    It¡¯s frustrating. She doesn¡¯t talk to me anymore.


    Sara asks one more time.


    -


    Grace struggles to shut the car door after getting her bag stuck on her handle. She sighs after adjusting her skirt. ¡°You think Sara is going to do well?¡±


    ¡°You did well.¡±


    Gracie groans, ¡°Barely. It took forever to take that damn image out of my head. Can we just go, please?¡±


    ¡°Y¡¯know, you never talked to me about it since. You have anything to say?¡±


    ¡°Just start the car, please?¡±


    ¡°We have an hour to kill, where do you want to go?¡±


    ¡°There¡¯s this new Boba shop that opened up on Main Street. It¡¯s pretty amazing, you should try it out.¡±


    I start the car and pull out the parking lot. ¡°First thing, what¡¯s boba?¡±


    ¡°It¡¯s like a smoothie shop but they have these really weird chewable balls on the bottom to drink. I never had them but Emily says it¡¯s good.¡±


    It sounds interesting but she¡¯s talking about going back to Darkwood just for a smoothie. ¡°Okay, so what? Wanna go back home just to come back to Seattle in twenty minutes?¡±


    Grace shrugs, phone in hand. ¡°So what? We¡¯ll get one for Sara.¡±


    ¡°You got drive to Darkwood and back to Seattle just to go back to Darkwood, money? Do you see the logic? Why don¡¯t we just go to a smoothie shop here in the city?


    ¡°What fun would that be?¡±


    I sigh. Grace was insistent of coming with. I didn¡¯t have anything to do for an hour so this plan of hers is just as good as any. I get on the 90 and head back home.


    There¡¯s a line at the shop so it takes a bit over 10 minutes to get out drinks. Grace gets a strawberry boba and a mango one for Sara. I¡¯m not sure what to get so the cashier tells me to go simple and gets me a milk tea boba. I don¡¯t even get to try it before we¡¯re forced to go back to Seattle and pick up Sara. Grace seems to like it. I¡¯m not sure of drinking weird little black balls out of milk tea so I hesitate.


    ¡°Just drink it already, it¡¯s not so bad.¡±


    ¡°I¡¯m old, I don¡¯t like new things.¡±


    Gracie laughs, ¡°Tell me about it.¡±


    I eye her but I don¡¯t say anything. She gets the message loud and clear. I finally take a drink but I don¡¯t expect the balls to shoot up so fast; I almost spat out my drink. Grace watches and just laughs. It¡¯s good though, so good that I finish the drink by the time we arrive. There are about 5 minutes to spare.


    Grace keeps busy texting on her phone. All I can think of is Sara¡¯s response to her first session with a physiatrist. Perhaps she¡¯s being quiet because I didn¡¯t listen to her when she asked if I can take in her brother. I haven¡¯t even thought about it since she first asked.


    I don¡¯t even know why I¡¯m thinking about it now. Andrew is too wild for me to even consider it. I don¡¯t even want him teaching Grace all the wrong things. All I would be doing is bringing an addict into my house.


    But Sara was an addict and I took her in. But she needed my help. Sara was at the lowest point in her life and I had the power to help her so I did. Why isn¡¯t Andrew the same? He¡¯s in the same situation now. He doesn¡¯t have a home and he¡¯s separated from his sister. Andrew is just as lost as Sara is. He needs my help.


    What if I set the same rules I gave to Sara? Could I make it work?


    No. No. I¡¯m crazy for even considering it.

 Chapter 23: Last Summer

    Cody V


    July 2nd, 2013


    ¡°You should call her,¡± Travis says.


    ¡°No, I shouldn¡¯t call her because we¡¯re not friends anymore, Travis,¡± I sigh.


    My brother laughs and kicks down the tree branch that doesn¡¯t allow the wooden plank to cover the last hole to the floor. ¡°So why the fuck are we building the treehouse?¡±


    ¡°Because I need a place to relax¡±


    ¡°No, I think you just need something to remind you of Emily. This treehouse means your love for her.¡±


    ¡°Just the fuck up and finished the floor already,¡±


    Travis laughs. ¡°God, you¡¯re so deep in denial you¡¯re making me believe it.¡±


    ¡°Pass me the hammer.¡±


    ¡°You¡¯re 18 now, stop acting like a child.¡±


    ¡°Pass me the hammer, please.¡±


    Travis sighs. ¡°Fine,¡± I look at the only wall in the partially made new treehouse. I plan to make this one bigger and it¡¯s possible by this huge old tree it¡¯s resting on. ¡°But you should still call her.¡±


    I drop the hammer on the side of the house which causes it to fall to the ground. ¡°Fucking great,¡± I sigh. ¡°You know what, Trav? I will fucking call her.¡±


    ¡°Oh no, don¡¯t do that. You have a girlfriend.¡± Travis laughs. ¡°No but seriously, don¡¯t.¡±


    ¡°Are you fucking kidding me?!¡±


    ¡°Chill, Cody,¡±


    ¡°No, fuck you!¡±


    ¡°Cody,¡± My brother stays calm. I hit the floor with a fist. ¡°Cody,¡± I hit again.


    Fuck, I think it¡¯s happening. I can never really tell. All I can ever remember is getting angry and then it¡¯s like I fall asleep but when I wake up someone¡¯s bleeding. No one has been able to stop me.


    ¡°Cody!¡± All I feel a stinging sensation on my left side of my face. It snaps me back into reality. ¡°Cody,¡± he says one more time.


    I hear the floor cracking. ¡°Whuh?¡±


    ¡°Cody!¡±


    I hear something crack and then I see the body of my brother become smaller and smaller. Then I feel a sharp pain in my entire left side of my body. I realize that I¡¯m now on the ground and I¡¯m on bleeding somewhere. My ears are ringing and everything is a blur.


    ¡°Aw,¡± I cough. ¡°Fuck!¡±


    The blur of my brother climbs down and then jumps from the tree and lands beside me. ¡°Oh, shit! Fuck, fuck I didn¡¯t mean it.¡±


    ¡°Wha-what happened?¡±


    ¡°Fuck man, your face is bleeding. Come on,¡± he says while picking me up. ¡°We need to get you to the hospital.¡±


    ¡°No, no,¡± I cough feeling like I¡¯m dry heaving. Fucking shit it hurts. ¡°I¡¯m fine, it doesn¡¯t hurt that bad.¡± I lie, feeling my face. In truth, I feel like I¡¯ve been cut up everywhere in my body.


    ¡°You¡¯re not fine. You just fell from like 30 feet.¡±


    I stumble on my first few steps and then I laugh. ¡°You¡¯re right you know,¡± I say, regaining my balance. I take in a deep breath and exhale. My brother looks up at the broken tree house up in the sky and I do the same. ¡°I miss her.¡±


    ¡°You¡¯re afraid you can¡¯t do it. You can¡¯t be with her because you know there¡¯s a chance you can fuck it all up. She¡¯s testing you y¡¯ know. And then she continued to torture you just so you could finally give in. But you couldn¡¯t, and you didn¡¯t.¡±


    I chuckle, ¡°Yeah,¡± I lie again.


    I can feel the blood in my face dry up and be replaced by the new. ¡°Now stop being stubborn and let''s go to the hospital.¡±


    I shake my head. ¡°No, I¡¯ll be fine.¡±


    ¡°You had a deep looking cut right next to your left eyebrow, you¡¯re not fine. You probably have a concussion.¡±


    I laugh, ¡°Not happening, bro.¡±


    ¡°You dense motherfucker,¡± he laughs. ¡°Good luck explaining that to Mom and Dad then.¡±


    ¡°Come on, I¡¯m going to drop you off at the house and I¡¯m going over to Gracie¡¯s¡±


    My brother sighs and starts to walk. I follow him only being a foot behind. He takes me keys and drives me to a fast-food restaurant to clean me up in the bathrooms. The cut isn¡¯t as bad at Travis made it seem. The blood has dried up so all there was left to do is to clean up my left side.


    Before I get out of the car outside of Grace¡¯s house, my brother takes hold of my arm. ¡°Be careful with what you do with this girl, Cody. Don¡¯t break her, she¡¯s fragile. Trust me, I¡¯ve been there before. You don¡¯t like this girl.¡±


    I nod once, ¡°Yeah¡­¡±


    I shouldn¡¯t kid myself. Emily has become such a demon in my life that there isn¡¯t a way to get over it. I just have to accept it as it is. That¡¯s why I¡¯m rebuilding the treehouse, not for our friendship, but my own damn will. If I build it just means it¡¯s going to be a symbol of my strength. I¡¯m not gonna let this girl beat me, no matter how weak I seamed before.


    It is why I must start all over. Start new. I can¡¯t let anything from my past affect me anymore. Not Emily, not Andrew, not Elizabeth.


    -


    Grace stares at me frustrated and disappointed. Something has been bothering her. It¡¯s even more noticeable now than last month. She hasn¡¯t been enjoying the jokes I make and barely holds her own in the conversation. I pause the game she was watching me play and ask her, ¡°What are you doing?¡±


    She gets up and puts her shirt back on and looks away.


    ¡°Why don¡¯t you like me? I try and try but you just don¡¯t want to do anything. It¡¯s pissing me off.¡±


    ¡°Grace, you¡¯re my friend. Your fun to be around but you just can¡¯t make someone like you because you want them too.¡±


    ¡°Fuck!¡± Gracie turns around embarrassed.The narrative has been taken without authorization; if you see it on Amazon, report the incident.


    ¡°Grace, what¡¯s wrong?¡±


    ¡°Why is everyone afraid of crossing ¡®that¡¯ line with me?¡±


    ¡°What do you mean?¡±


    ¡°About a month ago, Andrew took me out. He took me to this rave and gave me ecstasy. Honestly, it was the funnest I¡¯ve ever had. Then after I wanted to go home it was raining and Andrew was fucking this girl. He asked me if I liked what I saw then he took advantage of what I said.¡±


    ¡°He didn¡¯t-¡± I should be mad, but surprisingly I¡¯m not. I already know the answer. This is the same situation that happened with Elizabeth. This time Andrew stopped himself.


    Gracie shakes her head like I thought she would. ¡°But I wanted to. But Andrew got all pissed off about it and didn¡¯t speak at all after that. I fell asleep in the car after that.¡±


    ¡°Oh.¡±


    ¡°You¡¯re not mad?¡±


    ¡°I don¡¯t know.¡±


    ¡°You should be¡­¡±


    ¡°There¡¯s no point. I¡¯m glad nothing happened. It¡¯s just,¡± I stop myself and think about Elizabeth for a moment. It was Andrew and Elizabeth that night that he gave her the Winter. One that could¡¯ve been avoided. ¡°You remind us what¡¯s pure in this world. I think.¡±


    -


    I¡¯m pulled away from Grace by Emily. She wants to hang out, wants to go to that new boba shop that just opened a few weeks ago. She had them a lot in New York and liked them. Grace shuts the door on me frustrated.


    Emily is as beautiful as ever. Her haircut suits her well now that I¡¯ve taken some time to get used to it. She¡¯s waiting with a smoothie already in her hands. Emily doesn¡¯t have the bandana I gave her anywhere on her. She finally ditched it. My demon is here to eat me.


    ¡°You look good,¡± She greets me. She¡¯s been here for a month and I¡¯ve only seen her a handful of times. Emily keeps her distance which is fine, I¡¯ve grown used to it.


    ¡°Thanks, so do you,¡± I sit down.


    Emily smiles. She doesn¡¯t blush as she used to, but she smiles. ¡°The Boba here is pretty good, have you had it?¡±


    ¡°Yeah, I come with Grace all the time.¡±


    ¡°Oh?¡± Emily shocked. She stalks to Grace all the time, has she not told Ems that we¡¯re good friends? ¡°Are you two dating? You seem quite close.¡±


    I shake my head, ¡°No.¡±


    If Grace never told her then that means Grace doesn¡¯t want Emily mad at her. What Grace did today was a hail mary. She¡¯s desperate and it¡¯s hurting her that I¡¯m rejecting her this much. I didn¡¯t even think about it.


    ¡°She¡¯s a good person, she¡¯ll be good for you.¡±


    I laugh, ¡°I¡¯m not good for her, Ems.¡±


    There are words I want her to say, ¡°You¡¯re not good for anyone, Cody.¡± But she doesn¡¯t. Instead, she says, ¡°I¡¯m sorry I¡¯ve been distant.¡±


    ¡°It¡¯s okay.¡±


    After all, I understand it now. She¡¯s been punishing me.


    ¡°Are you not going to get anything?¡±


    I shake my head. The boba here is good but I know I wouldn¡¯t enjoy it today. Emily is tapping her cup with her fingers. She¡¯s nervous about something. ¡°Where are you going to school?¡±


    It was supposed to be here in Seattle, I¡¯m sure that changed. ¡°I¡¯m staying in New York. They have a great school for fashion, I already go in. You?¡±


    ¡°I¡¯m not sure I will.¡±


    ¡°Why not? If you don¡¯t, your dad is going to kill you.¡±


    I laugh. Dad¡¯s been home for a while but we haven¡¯t talked much since he¡¯s been home. The last time we discussed college was back before he left for his job. He was very strict about wanting me to get a good education. It¡¯s the very last thing we talked about.


    ¡°If he does that¡¯ll be the least of my problems.¡±


    ¡°Oh?¡±


    ¡°He¡¯ll chase me down to the pits of hell and kill me there too.¡±


    Emily laughs and I almost make her spit out her drink. I don¡¯t think what I said was funny but I¡¯ll take the laugh. ¡°Y¡¯know, you should make it more of a habit to have a clear vision of the future.¡±


    I don¡¯t think she knows what she¡¯s talking about. She could take some of her advice. Still, it¡¯s nice that we¡¯re here like old times. We haven¡¯t talked as much since she¡¯s been in town, but we¡¯ve been talking so that¡¯s a start. It¡¯s still not like how it used to be.


    How did it use to be? What does that even mean? It doesn¡¯t mean anything is what it means. The past is the past and there isn¡¯t a thing that I can do to change that. Chris always talks about how we cling on to it to predict the future. I think I know what he means now. Every single action we take is dictated by what happens in the past and through that process, we never live in the now. It¡¯s what¡¯s happening right now, isn¡¯t it?


    Emily and I want to reconnect to be friends again.


    I get it. This isn¡¯t the way to do it.


    I change my attitude towards the conversation. Everything changes after that. We¡¯re no longer estranged lovers wishing for the future and instead, we are just now. Emily starts to notice and her tension seems to ease up. I get up to order a drink and then bail out of the shop to walk around town.


    We end up walking long enough for the sun to start to set. We end up at the edge of town and decide it¡¯s time to head back. We end up walking side by side how it should always be.


    ¡°Do you know what¡¯s going on with Andrew?¡± She asks at some point.


    I look at Emily. She¡¯s walking directly in front of the sunset and it makes her cherry coke red hair shine even brighter. ¡°He asks me for help a few ago, why? Why are you talking to him?¡±


    Emily giggles, ¡°I forgive him, Cody, maybe you should do the same. The car crash wasn¡¯t his fault, it was mine.¡±


    ¡°Doesn¡¯t make him less of a piece of shit.¡±


    ¡°He sounds desperate, Cody, you should hear him out.¡±


    ¡°What¡¯s going on?¡±


    She shrugs then sighs. ¡°I don¡¯t know. He said something about finding out the truth of that guy Lyle, y¡¯ know his drug dealer? He said he¡¯s trapped.¡±


    Lyle?


    I ignore it for now and change the conversation. ¡°I¡¯ll talk to him later I guess. How¡¯s your sister doing by the way? I haven¡¯t talked to her since Grace¡¯s thing.¡±


    ¡°Jerrica¡¯s great. She found something new to keep her busy so she¡¯s always out of the house. You know how she is. Can¡¯t ever leave the mysteries alone.¡±


    We eventually get back to the boba shop as they¡¯re closing down. The sun has set and the store is about to close. We stand awkwardly in front of our cars because I don¡¯t know what to do. I want to hug her but I don¡¯t think we¡¯re close enough to do that. Emily is the one to initiate it though. She smells the same as always, like trivia.


    ¡°You know, we should go to the town¡¯s fair on the fourth We haven¡¯t gone in like three years,¡± She says releasing me from her grasp.


    ¡°We aren¡¯t kids anymore, Ems.¡±


    ¡°It¡¯ll be fun, c¡¯mon,¡± her tone is somber. She wants to tell me something else. It¡¯s what¡¯s been on her mind all day. ¡°I only have a month, we gotta make the best of it.¡±


    Emily tries to hide a frown in her smile. She¡¯s always been a bad liar when it comes to me. I think I understand what this little day of ours was supposed to be, she just didn¡¯t have the heart to come out and do it. She tried a few hours ago and I stopped it when I stopped treating her as Emily instead of Ems.


    ¡°Okay, it¡¯ll be just like when we were kids.¡±


    I watch Emily leave first before I unblock Andrew¡¯s number. Emily is right, I shouldn¡¯t blame everything on him. Besides, if he¡¯s even talking to Emily about asking me for help he must be desperate.


    Lyle.


    Andrew doesn¡¯t even take a half hour to meet with me. He¡¯s grinning like the little bitch that he is. I sit first even though the store is closing in twenty minutes. He follows and finally greets me. ¡°Finally come to your senses, eh?¡±


    ¡°What the hell is going on?¡±


    Andrew smacks his lips and shrugs, ¡°Oh wouldn¡¯t you love to know, Cody-Kun.¡±


    I don¡¯t say anything. If I do that¡¯ll just inflate his ego and I know better than that. Andrew likes to play these games where I have to force him to say whatever he wants to say. The best way to win is to not play at all. Eventually, Andrew won¡¯t be able to stand not hearing himself talk.


    ¡°You¡¯re no fun, you know that,¡± Andrew leans back to rest his back on the store¡¯s window. ¡°Look I only have a day. I need you to talk to your dad for me.¡±


    ¡°My dad? What for?¡±


    ¡°He¡¯s a cop, yeah? He¡¯s home, yeah? Lyle wants me to go to this big deal. I need your dad to get the bluebirds and stop this shit. I-I know all their information, I can bring them down.¡±


    I stay silent for a moment. He¡¯s not one to back out of something like that. ¡°Why now?¡±


    ¡°Because!¡± Andrew yells and leans forward toward me. ¡°Fuck Lyle,¡± he whispers. ¡°He¡¯s a monster that I need to stop.¡±


    This doesn¡¯t make sense. If this is what was so desperate why didn¡¯t he just knock on my front door and went to my dad in the first place? Are they watching him? It¡¯s the only thing that I can think of. ¡°What did he do?¡±


    Andrew doesn¡¯t hesitate to tell me what Lyle is. I was right, Lyle did give Elizabeth the gun. It¡¯s his fault she¡¯s dead right now. What¡¯s even worse is that Elizabeth got herself under his control. Lyle took her and made her do the one thing that could break her.


    He tried taking Sara too but know since Andrew asked for her Lyle completely owns him. There isn¡¯t a thing Andrew can do know without getting killed. Shit, can my dad even do anything about it?


    I don¡¯t know.


    I tell my dad anyways.


    He stares at me like I¡¯m crazy then tells me to sit down. Just what the hell did Andrew drag me into?

 Chapter 24: Dreams within a Dream

    Chris III


    July 3rd, 2013


    Hello again, it¡¯s been a while.


    I hope you¡¯ve been well because I haven¡¯t. I keep having these dreams where people keep dying. They¡¯re not different dreams, they¡¯re all the same one. The same people keep dying too. They don¡¯t have faces, I don¡¯t know who they are but it¡¯s always in front of me. I get killed too. It always ends like this.


    A man with no face stands in front of me and two other people holding a gun towards us. There''s a body behind the man with the gun. It¡¯s too dark out and the rain is too heavy for me to see their faces. They¡¯re arguing and I can hear police sirens in the distance. Bright lights are flashing, almost blinding. Besides the heavy rain, the only other noise is a constant cheerful melody playing over and over again. I can¡¯t hear anything else.


    There''s a loud and one of the people in front of me falls. I look down and I¡¯m shot too. I drop to my knees and the camera in my dream pans up for an overhead shot. The person in front of me who didn¡¯t get shot runs over to the person who did and holds them as their body is limp. The shooter says something then looks around and runs off. I see the blood coming out of my body and mixing with the puddle being made from the rain. This is how it always ends.


    I¡¯ve been having this dream for a year now. I don¡¯t know what it means.


    My best guess is that it¡¯s just me being the silent observer to a story just like how you are. You¡¯re watching me like how I watch them. It''s like how Sessions watches me. She doesn¡¯t take her eyes off me while we both wait for Lyle.


    There are multiple Sessions all around the country. It¡¯s the code name for a ghost of a drug emperor. The purpose is to surround the air with myths and legends of a grand puppetmaster all around the world. They all supposed to look the same, pale skin and white hair and cold blue eyes. Just like a ghost and I¡¯m standing in front of one. I don¡¯t think I¡¯m supposed to know this.


    Her real name is Marina Lightyear. I¡¯m for sure not supposed to know that. She¡¯s not much older than me, she¡¯s only 20. Her white bangs cover most of her forehead but sometimes I catch her readjusting herself. I¡¯m only mentioning this because she uses her bangs to cover up a nasty line of a scar right in the center. Sometimes it doesn¡¯t look like a scar and more like eyelashes.


    Sessions, rather, Marina doesn¡¯t talk. I have known her for about two years now; ever since I first met Lyle and I haven¡¯t heard her speak a word. She communicates non verbally and uses text on her phone if it¡¯s necessary. I figure she¡¯s a mute and uses sign language so I¡¯ve been learning so I can talk to her. The thing is, I never have seen her use sign and I don¡¯t see her often enough to ever figure out if she does. Marina doesn¡¯t have an online presence and barely little on her actual legal records. She was an orphan born with an unspecified medical condition who lived from family to family and barely graduated high school. Marina becomes a ghost after that which is why she¡¯s perfect for being this state¡¯s Sessions. I¡¯m curious to see why she¡¯s in this line of work anyways.


    I¡¯m only here because Lyle asks me to come and there isn¡¯t a world where I get to say no. I wait with Marina in his little warehouse of supplies for the company that he owns. His company is not important, it¡¯s just there to launder his money. Lyle is a much harder man to find. I don¡¯t know his real name nor where he came from. He¡¯s truly a ghost and it makes no question why he¡¯s been Sessions for the last decade before Marina took over.


    His bodyguard and muscle is Acid. He¡¯s the one who is watching over us while we wait patiently for the big man himself. Unlike Lyle, I know a lot of about Acid. His real name is Zachary Vilar and his 40th birthday is coming up in a week. He was born in Denver and was a gangbanger his entire life. When Golden Hearts was rising in power, he was the man that kept all the lackeys in line. After it, the gang was busted he moved to Seattle and has been here ever since.


    The revival of Golden Hearts is Lyle¡¯s and Acid¡¯s goals. After all, Golden Hearts was the one who created the legendary, ¡®Winter¡¯. It¡¯s an extraordinary drug, I had some myself. There¡¯s nothing quite like it. It shouldn¡¯t be possible to have an upper and downer all in one package but it¡¯s what it does. The stillness and numbing of heroin and euphoria of MDMA to the power of cocaine. Lyle had high hopes that I could figure out a way to make more but it¡¯s been almost a year and his patience is running thing, that¡¯s why I¡¯m here.


    I never failed, but I did learn what Winter is. Through that, I found Lyle¡¯s true intentions. I figured out why Golden Hearts wants besides their greed. It¡¯s some serious bullshit sci-fy shit. See if the drug ever resurfaces and Lyle figure outs how to make more he could take control over anyone he wants. There¡¯s a slightly different strain that breaks people¡¯s control and makes them into puppets. I can¡¯t even believe I fell for his bullshit. Unauthorized content usage: if you discover this narrative on Amazon, report the violation.


    He told me he could help me break free from my chains if I gave him what he wanted. Lyle gave me my lab and equipment free of charge as long as I researched Winter and made LSD for him to sell. He wanted to give me a cut of the profits buts that would lead into greed and I don¡¯t need that chain on me either. My curiosity about the natural world was enough for me to become his independent little puppet.


    Marina stands up when Lyle walks in. Lyle smiles at her and greets her by signing, ¡°Hey.¡± I realize this is the first time I have seen the two together.


    ¡°What¡¯s this about?¡± Marina signs back.


    Lyle looks at me. It¡¯s been a while since I have seen him, a bit under a year a think. ¡°I bet you both find it odd that you¡¯ve been waiting for me, together, to make it more curious,¡± he says.


    I don¡¯t say anything, I never do. It keeps me safe, it keeps me as the observer. Marina, however, signs, ¡°You bring in the two biggest weirdos in the business, yeah, I¡¯m a little curious.¡±


    Lyle only laughs like he¡¯s faking. ¡°Well you two work well together, why break that up?¡± Lyle gets a nearby chair and unfolds it to sit on it with his legs spread as wide as possible. ¡°Chris, It¡¯s been months, where are you with the WInter?¡±


    I don¡¯t stand up. I look over to Marina who turns looking at me. I feel sorry for her, she shouldn¡¯t be working for people like these. ¡°I thought I told Acid, it can¡¯t be done, I¡¯m sorry.¡±


    Lyle lowers his head in disappointment and sighs. ¡°That¡¯s not what I wanted to hear. It¡¯s been almost a year. What¡¯s been going on Chris?¡±


    ¡°I¡¯m sorry, it¡¯s tricky. It¡¯s much more complicated than I thought.¡± I say. In truth, I figured it out months ago but it¡¯s too dangerous to ever give it to him. Now that I¡¯m sitting here I¡¯m starting to regret all of it. There¡¯s something wondrous about doing things that aren¡¯t legal.


    I knew better than to deal with a man like this but I was barely 15, I thought I knew the world. Turns out there¡¯s always something to learn, lessons to be had. This was one of them.


    ¡°You do know why you¡¯re here then, right?¡±


    ¡°No.¡±


    Lyle chuckles and raises his head at me. ¡°Of course not. You¡¯re a weirdo and don¡¯t care about making money. It¡¯s smart though, that way I have no real leverage over you. I can¡¯t make you do anything.¡± Lyle stands up and starts to walk around me. ¡°Listen,¡± It¡¯s a tactic to try and scare me but it doesn¡¯t work. ¡°Things thing you do? It¡¯s not going to work out. We¡¯re taking the lab.¡±


    That¡¯s fine. I only needed it to make LSD for myself to explore the outer consciousness. Anything extra I gave to Lyle but I haven¡¯t even used the lab in months. ¡°Okay but I don¡¯t know why you would lose out on that profit.¡±


    ¡°We¡¯re moving onto bigger things, child,¡± Lyle sits back down. ¡°You¡¯re here so I can give you the courtesy to tell you in person. However there¡¯s one last thing you need to do before we cut our ties together, that¡¯s why Sessions is here.¡± Lyle extends a note out of his pocket to Marina.


    She looks at it, ¡°Why?¡± Marina signs.


    ¡°Are you questioning me?¡±


    Marina rolls eyes and signals me to get up with her head. I comply and we start to walk towards the exit.


    ¡°Have fun you two.¡±


    -


    Marina doesn¡¯t say what we¡¯re doing but it doesn¡¯t matter. I already have a good guess of what it is on the drive to wherever we¡¯re going. It¡¯s far, farther than I¡¯ve ever been then again I haven¡¯t been outside Seattle. It¡¯s been two hours and we haven¡¯t said a word to each other.


    We pass a sign that tells us how far Kennewick is and my suspicions are confirmed. This is where Acid goes from time to time. I don¡¯t know what he does but Lyle likes to send people to do his job from time to time.


    After another hour we only have a half left but I¡¯m getting bored. I want to talk to Marina but I¡¯m not sure if I can trust her. Can I talk to you then, friend?


    You might be wondering what this all has to do with the world you¡¯ve been observing. There¡¯s just something strange about all of this, isn¡¯t it? It¡¯s been a while since we¡¯ve talked and you¡¯re wondering why now? That¡¯s something I would like to know too.


    I can¡¯t dictate who you see.


    I have a lot of questions for you.


    Marina taps me in the shoulder. She has her phone held out to me. ¡°We¡¯re almost there, get ready,¡± it reads.


    I should talk to her now, shouldn¡¯t I?


    ¡°Why are you doing this?¡± I ask her.


    Oddly, Marina looks over at me and doesn¡¯t break eye contact with me while the car slows down to a halt. She starts to sign at me even though I don¡¯t think she knows I know how to read. She finishes and sighs, the first verbal noise I ever heard from her. But what she signs puts things into perspective, it makes some sort of sense why she¡¯s here.


    Marina Lightyear is being held captive. She¡¯s a will that was broken down and rebuilt by Lyle. She¡¯s his greatest success. Marina is the perfect soldier for the man.


    I sign back at her, asking her what changed.


    She¡¯s surprised but smiles and signs back, ¡°You can only live through so much before you get to see how locked in you are.¡±


    Did you see that? She¡¯s just like me, trapped in her cage. I''m a bit shocked. I don¡¯t know how to respond. Why is she telling me all this? What¡¯s her play?


    ¡°Why are you telling me this?¡± I ask.


    ¡°Because I know who you are and what you can do. You¡¯re the only one who can break me free.¡±


    Break her free? I don¡¯t know what she¡¯s talking about, I can¡¯t even break myself free.


    Marina stares at me again. She opens her mouth to say something but doesn¡¯t. Marina looks away then back at me. She lifts her white bangs up then I see.


    I finally see.


    I see her.

 Chapter 25: Eyes on Fire

    Felix


    Fate is a fickle thing.


    Once is a chance, twice is a coincidence but anything after that is fate. My mother always taught me that fate and destiny are different things. She said that fate can be controlled, it can be changed. Destiny is the only thing we don¡¯t have the power to manipulate. I always wondered what she meant about destiny. I was six when she first told me. I think about it almost every day.


    The sun is shining for once. It¡¯s a nice day to be out in the park. You can hear the music of a passing ice cream truck. It reminds me of when I was a kid and I would beg my mother for a popsicle. She would always say no and I would get hit after we got home. Then on some days when the stars aligned, she would buy me one. These would be the best days of my life.


    The jingle of the ice cream truck gets louder and the only person in my life that matters runs up to me. She asks, ¡°Can I get ice cream? Can I get an Ice cream.¡± She lights up my world and I take my nine-year-old niece¡¯s hand to get her the ice cream I would rarely get.


    We¡¯re out here almost every week. It¡¯s her favorite place in the world where she can play with her friends. I just enjoy sitting on the bench and watching the world speed by. It¡¯s only here where I can enjoy the simplicity of it all. There¡¯s no work, no hurry, no need to get paid. There¡¯s no one to talk to, no drama to follow and no one to worry about. It¡¯s just my niece and I enjoying the moment together.


    Helen¡¯s favorite is the Spongebob popsicle. I like the red white and blue rocketship but Helen¡¯s just a kid so what can you do? She follows me back to the bench because she knows better than to play and eat.


    ¡°Mom says that we¡¯re moving away,¡± Helen talks.


    ¡°Hmm, yeah. She told me. Do you know where?¡±


    ¡°Chicago. She says it¡¯s nice there, where I like it here.¡±


    ¡°Do you know why?¡±


    ¡°Work,¡± she says a bit moody. Of course, she doesn¡¯t want to move. If I was her I wouldn¡¯t move either.


    Helen finishes her popsicle before I do and the jiggle finally starts to fade away. She gets up runs over to the playground to rejoin her friends who are playing a game of tag. I look back over to fate. I wonder if there is a difference between fate or destiny.


    Fate, she hasn¡¯t noticed me. When we first met she was a wreck. She didn¡¯t know what was going on, who she was. Then we met again and she was still in the same boat only more frustrated. Now I look at her and she walks with much more confidence. Grace is now in a position where she can carry herself. This is why fate brought us together once again.


    Helen trips and falls. I rush over to see if she¡¯s okay. Sometimes I see her more like a little sister than a niece. I can¡¯t help but worry. She¡¯s alright and only scraped her knee. ¡°I¡¯m not a baby anymore.¡±


    ¡°Right, right,¡± I laugh.


    When I get up, Grace, fate, she notices I¡¯m here. She excuses herself from a redheaded friend and starts to walk over. It¡¯ll be awkward to talk in the middle of the playground so I walk back over to my bench.


    ¡°So I¡¯m guessing you live here?¡± she greets me.


    ¡°You¡¯d be right,¡± I chuckled.


    She sits next to me as she texts someone back. I look over to her redheaded friend who¡¯s walking the trail. The girl checks her phone and looks at us. She rolls her eyes and starts to walk up the Darkwood hill.


    ¡°What are you doing here?¡± I ask Grace.


    ¡°I¡¯m just hanging out with my friend. She¡¯s having some boy issues.¡±You could be reading stolen content. Head to the original site for the genuine story.


    ¡°Oh? What about?¡±


    ¡°Well, she¡¯s back from New York and has a boyfriend now. She was sort of seeing this guy here and she hasn¡¯t told him yet. She was going to do it yesterday but she didn¡¯t have the heart.¡±


    ¡°Well, why not?¡±


    Grace shrugs, ¡°She¡¯s scared of losing her best friend.¡±


    ¡°Sounds complicated.¡±


    ¡°It is. What about you? It¡¯ll be awkward if you¡¯re here by yourself.¡±


    I laugh, ¡°No, no. I¡¯m here with my niece. She likes to come here a lot.¡±


    ¡°Oh, I thought she was your daughter.¡±


    ¡°How old do you think I am?¡±


    ¡°I dunno, like 30?¡±


    This is the first casual conversation we¡¯ve had that doesn¡¯t involve Elizabeth. Grace is funny. ¡°What? No, I¡¯m 23.¡±


    ¡°Oh, you look older.¡±


    ¡°Wow, I¡¯m hurt.¡±


    Grace laughs. It¡¯s a laugh similar to Elizabeth. The resemblance is there now that I think of it. I wouldn¡¯t question it if I was told they were sisters. I could see a world if Elizabeth wouldn¡¯t have died, the two of them would have been great friends. Elizabeth would take Grace under her wing and through the friendship, Grace would become the succeeding queen of Mickle Ray High. The two of them would have been unstoppable. But it doesn¡¯t matter because Ellie is dead.


    Grace leads a different path now. She¡¯s with a different crowd. I don¡¯t know if it¡¯s a good thing or not. It doesn¡¯t help that Grace stood in front of Elizabeth when she died. I wonder how she felt at that moment. I wonder what Elizabeth thought about that moment. I hope she was at peace when she did, even though I know she wasn¡¯t.


    ¡°You busy later?¡± Grace asks.


    I shrug, looking over to my niece. ¡°I gotta take Helen home, then heading to work. You?¡±


    ¡°I don¡¯t know. I guess I¡¯ll just stay home and play League.¡±


    ¡°League?¡±


    ¡°Yeah, its uh, computer game.¡±


    ¡°No, I know what it is. I play it too. What role do you play? I mostly jungle but I¡¯m pretty good at ADC.¡±


    ¡°Mid and support. Oh my god, we should play together sometime. What¡¯s your name?¡±


    Helen gets tagged IT and starts to run around the playground trying to get someone else. She¡¯s never been the fastest runner but she can outsmart everyone, that¡¯s what makes her so good at the game. ¡°Silent Memoria, all one word. Only the S is capitalized.¡±


    Grace writes it down on her phone, ¡°Cool, do you play Ranked? I¡¯m Gold one, almost in my promos.¡±


    ¡°Gold one? That¡¯s pretty impressive.¡±


    ¡°I know right? I¡¯m trying to get to Diamond next year, maybe even become a pro.¡±


    Helen tags someone but falls again. She¡¯s right, she isn¡¯t a baby anymore and I shouldn¡¯t worry about one fall. Helen gets right back up like nothing ever happened. ¡°Diamond is ambitious. You think you can do it?¡±


    ¡°I don¡¯t know, maybe. You don¡¯t think I can?¡±


    ¡°I believe you can do whatever your heart desires as long as that passion burns bright enough. If you doubt yourself, might as well give up now.¡±


    Grace snorts and almost laughs, ¡°That¡¯s some shitty motivational advice. Is it not okay to have doubts?¡±


    I shrug again. ¡°I mean, short doubts sure. Like if you¡¯re having a bad day and you¡¯re not feeling it, sure, have doubts. I¡¯m talking about that long term desire. The flame can grow or shrink, but you should never let it die. That¡¯s what I mean when I say you shouldn¡¯t doubt yourself. It¡¯ll just defeat you because once you lose that first flame, it¡¯s done.¡±


    ¡°You¡¯re a diamond player, aren''t you?¡±


    I almost laugh. ¡°It doesn¡¯t matter. If you want to go pro, it¡¯s not going to happen just because you want to.¡±


    ¡°Does that apply to everything else? Everything else I want?¡±


    ¡°Yeah,¡± I answer.


    Helen jumps off the playground set to avoid getting tagged. She rolls over and starts sprinting around and avoiding the tagged person like a monkey. She¡¯s an unlimited ball of energy.


    ¡°Will you be on tonight?¡±


    ¡°Yeah, probably. Wanna play?¡±


    ¡°Yeah, yeah. I¡¯ll add you. But I gotta go back to my friend, Emily. She¡¯s waiting for me. It¡¯s nice to see you again, Felix.¡±


    Grace gets up from the bench and stands over me for a second. ¡°Fate brought us together, I doubt it¡¯ll pull us apart.¡±


    Grace laughs, ¡°Well see you. Tell your niece I said hi.¡±


    I watch Grace walk up the Darkwood hill. By the time she reaches the top, she disappears. Mom always said that Fate can be controlled and manipulated. She told me that our actions create consequences that in turn create the wheels of fate. She said that it¡¯s my father¡¯s fault for leaving that she lays her hands on me. That was always fated to happen.


    I¡¯m thinking that Elizabeth¡¯s suicide caused the wheels of fate to roll down a road that none of us expected.


    Perhaps that¡¯s what Destiny is.


    Helen jumps down from the playground once again, this time she doesn¡¯t get up right away.

 Chapter 26: Need Little/Want Less

    Jerrica


    Emily gets up from the couch after finishing her phone call to Soran. She¡¯s ecstatic about him. I don¡¯t blame her, everyone wants a piece of him and somehow she managed to capture the phoenix. She¡¯s falling in love with him and it¡¯s a beautiful thing to watch, especially when I haven¡¯t been in love myself. Then I watch her tear herself apart because she doesn¡¯t know what to do about Cody.


    She asks me for advice. She thinks just because I dated Cody¡¯s brother that I would know what to do. I was not as close to Travis as Emily is to Cody. Travis as I just drifted apart after high school, there was nothing else to it. Emily and Cody are just drifting apart now and there isn¡¯t anything wrong with that.


    ¡°I¡¯m going over to Grace¡¯s. Tell dad I¡¯ll be home by dark.¡± Emily leaves without giving me a chance to tell that dad isn¡¯t coming home until dark anyway.


    It¡¯s whatever anyways, I was leaving too.


    I only happened to run into Andrew once. He¡¯s just as uninhibited as Emily always said he was. He¡¯s just as soft too, Andrew just doesn¡¯t want to admit it. When I met him at the Diner, he initiated a game that I want to keep playing. He¡¯s a lot smarter than I thought he was. Andrew thinks he can keep me out, but I''d like to prove him wrong. That¡¯s the game we¡¯re playing now.


    It only took me three weeks to get him alone again. It¡¯s the talk of the town. Andrew¡¯s and Sara¡¯s father was arrested and there are too many rumors to know which one is true. Even Emily is uncertain of what happened. All we know is that Sara is still living with Grace and Andrew¡¯s been out in the streets. It¡¯s no wonder why it¡¯s been so hard to come into contact with Andrew.


    We meet again at the diner. This time he¡¯s the one who finds me. I don¡¯t bother to look at him when he arrives. I have to make it look like I¡¯m not interested and that way he¡¯ll try harder. Andrew doesn¡¯t say anything and just watches me browse Reddit through my phone.


    ¡°Aren¡¯t you a bit curious?¡± I ask him after there¡¯s a full minute of nothing.


    ¡°I just don''t know why you want to go at it at a public place like this? You think the bathroom¡¯s clear?¡±


    Andrew jokes. He¡¯s always joking so he can hide his insecurities. It¡¯s these jokes that get him so far in life. He does it with so much confidence that it¡¯s charming. I can see why he thinks he can get away with it. It almost makes me laugh. It¡¯s cute.


    ¡°This again, does it ever get old?¡±


    ¡°I¡¯m not the one texting you asking to hang out. Comes out a bit desperate, no?¡±


    ¡°Hey, it got you here, didn¡¯t it?¡±


    ¡°Only because I haven¡¯t had a shag in a minute. So we doing this or nah?¡±


    I put my phone down and look ast Andrew for the first time. He¡¯s dirty and hasn¡¯t showered. He¡¯s hair is shaggy and unkempt. Yet he¡¯s still smirking like there isn¡¯t a thing wrong in the world. Anyone else and I would think they¡¯re crazy. ¡°Fine, get the key to the bathroom and I¡¯ll join you a minute later. You better bring your A-game, I expect nothing less.¡±


    Andrew is a rational being regardless of his actions. He doesn¡¯t actually believe his lines would work on me. I¡¯m right, Andrew relaxes himself and sighs. ¡°Cut the bullshit, why am I here?¡±


    ¡°I don¡¯t know, why are you?¡±


    Andrew only shrugs his left shoulder. ¡°I don¡¯t know, you want to piss me off. You get off on it?¡±


    ¡°Maybe,¡° I laugh. ¡°How have you been? You¡¯ve been the talk of the town lately. It¡¯s not often someone gets arrested in this town.¡±


    Andrew examines me. The bullshit was cut, he¡¯s interested now. This is good, I can get him vulnerable now. ¡°My dad¡¯s a piece of shit. Good riddance, if you ask me.¡±


    ¡°You aren¡¯t scared?¡±


    ¡°Nah,¡± Andrew chuckles. ¡°Grace¡¯s mom offered to let me stay with them until I graduate. Pretty neat, huh? How everything works out like that?¡±


    ¡°Wow, that¡¯s great!¡±


    ¡°I said no.¡±


    ¡°What? Why?¡±


    The waitress comes around and asks if we¡¯re ready to order. Andrew orders his coffee straight black and nothing else. I haven¡¯t had anything to eat for the entire day so I get myself some eggs with hashbrowns with a side of orange juice.


    ¡°I don¡¯t need to be pampered, I can take care of myself,¡± he says but I don¡¯t believe him. The way he said it feels like he¡¯s hiding something behind his words. It¡¯s almost as he¡¯s scared.


    ¡°I don¡¯t know,¡± I sigh. ¡°Seems like it¡¯s a good shot to get your shit together.¡±


    ¡°Whatever.¡±


    ¡°So why are you here, Andrew?¡±


    Andrew laughs. It¡¯s as obnoxious as ever. ¡°What we¡¯re doing this again? You trying to get in my head again? Look it was cute the first time, now it¡¯s just sad. Why do you give a shit so much?¡± he relaxes on the seat and crosses his arms. ¡°Seems to me that you¡¯re just bored.¡±


    I haven¡¯t questioned it. Why am I so interested in this kid? I mean he¡¯s the that had a thing for my sister and that¡¯s what got her in the car accident. Have I been lying to myself?


    ¡°Didn¡¯t I tell you before? I want to know who you really are, behind the fake bravado.¡±


    ¡°Yeah, but why?¡±Love this story? Find the genuine version on the author''s preferred platform and support their work!


    I think about it. Andrew¡¯s a criminal and getting to know how complex this one is beneficial to being a criminal lawyer. This is how I justify it. I¡¯m not lying to myself. ¡°What if I just find you cute?¡± I laugh.


    Andrew chuckles too. ¡°Y¡¯know that''s the first thing you said that hasn¡¯t pissed me off.¡±


    ¡°How do you do it, Andrew? There¡¯s an entire world that wants your bravado and yet you pull it off so effortlessly. There isn¡¯t a person in the world like you.¡±


    ¡°I¡¯m flattered,¡± He smirks.


    Andrew gets his coffee. The waitress tells me that my food is just five minutes away and thanks me for my patience. I watch Andrew gulp down his cup in go. I cringe when I see the hot fumes of smoke coming out of his mouth he¡¯s done.


    ¡°You¡¯re nuts.¡±


    ¡°Thanks,¡± Andrew laughs again but coughs a bit after. He winces then composes himself. ¡°Kinda hurts.¡±


    ¡°I bet.¡± I catch myself smiling. I didn¡¯t think I would catch myself enjoying this conversation.


    Andrew¡¯s smiling but calm. He¡¯s relaxed and he¡¯s enjoying himself too. Maybe I got this whole thing wrong. I have been talking to him like he¡¯s a case when really I should have been listening to him as a friend. Andrew¡¯s is cute. If he wasn¡¯t such an asshole and reckless I could see myself liking him.


    ¡°So what have you been up to? You¡¯re a mess.¡±


    Andrew snickers. ¡°Living, surviving, saving turtles.¡± Andrew looks over to someone who enters the diner. Its nobody I know and nobody Andrew knows because he turns his head back to me. ¡°Y¡¯know, the dream.¡±


    ¡°Saving turtles?¡± I laugh. ¡°That¡¯s the dream?¡±


    Andrew only shrugs his left shoulder again and smiles, ¡°is that not the dream?


    ¡°No, no, you¡¯re right. That is the dream,¡± I¡¯m still laughing. Andrew¡¯s ridiculous.


    My food gets here and Andrew doesn¡¯t hesitate to steal some of my hashbrowns. I slap his wrist when he tries to do it a second time. He tries again a minute later when asks me if accepting Grace¡¯s mom¡¯s offer. I slap his hand a bit harder as I tell him it''s the only option.


    But he says it¡¯s complicated. Nothing is ever simple, I know that. I try to get Andrew to talk about it but he dodges the question. He talks like it won¡¯t matter after tomorrow. It¡¯s a bit concerning but Andrew doesn¡¯t seem worried about it. That¡¯s his thing though, he hides it well.


    There¡¯s a lot of fear behind it all, I can tell.


    Maybe I can tell because Mom is the same. She talks a lot of confidence but really moving to New York and getting away from Darkwood was the scariest thing she ever did. She had no idea if she was good enough to keep her job and make it there, especially when she had to support me. I have seen all her bills those first few months and I tried talking to her about them once. Gosh, her smile never wavered and I never doubted her once. I only ever found out how scared she was when I read a text she sent to Dad.


    That¡¯s when I found out there divorce was more amicable than I thought. All I remember is how constantly they fought. I don¡¯t even remember why, whenever they did I just locked myself in my room and listened to music. Emily always went over to Cody¡¯s. Mom and Dad never gave a reason, they just told us. Mom wanted to go to New York and I had just broken up with Travis. We had just graduated and I didn¡¯t have a college lined up so I went with her. It seemed like a good idea back then, now I see it was the best thing I could have ever done.


    I kept Mom sane. I kept her motivated enough to provide for us. That fear that she had, it drove her and she never wanted to see her weak again. It worked. I admire that woman and I only hope I can be as strong as her.


    Maybe that¡¯s why I¡¯m so interested in Andrew.


    He makes me laugh again and this time it feels like he¡¯s squeezing my heart.


    ¡°So what, you hang out with all the preppy rich white boys then?¡± Andrew asks. ¡°They¡¯re all so woke and all have ideas on how to change the world.¡±


    ¡°Hmm, not quite. They all have ideas on how much money they won¡¯t make because of the little bullshit that happens to them. They¡¯re all quite boring, really.¡±


    ¡°Oh, like you¡¯re not like them with your Prada bag, shit even that Burberry coat you have is worth more than anything I have. That top, what is that, Chloe?¡±


    I subconsciously look at my clothing. Shit, I already look at myself so there isn¡¯t a point of hiding it. Funny how sometimes you mold yourself to a lifestyle just to fit in that you forget where you come from. It¡¯s something Emily has called me out on a few times but I don¡¯t ever listen. Emily¡¯s ever-present hipster look reminds me how little she cares about being liked by her peers. It¡¯s something I failed to do. ¡°What about it?¡± I answer.


    Andrew just smirks and steals more of my hash browns.


    ¡°Are you calling me a hypocrite?¡±


    ¡°I didn¡¯t say shit.¡±


    ¡°Sure sounds like it.¡±


    ¡°Bitch, all I¡¯m saying you¡¯re no better than the losers who make everything so personal on the internet,¡± Andrew¡¯s tone is negative all of the sudden. It makes me back off a bit. ¡°It¡¯s one opinion or no opinion, a totalitarianism view of the world.¡±


    ¡°What do you mean?¡±


    ¡°Y¡¯know what I mean.¡±


    I laugh a bit. I don¡¯t know where Andrew is going with this. ¡°I actually don¡¯t, Andy.¡±


    ¡°Don¡¯t call me Andy,¡± he says stealing another more hashbrowns. ¡°What I mean is that a lot of people want to change the world to have one universal outlook in the world. Everyone wants acceptance and if you can¡¯t accept that then you¡¯re the devil.¡±


    ¡°And what¡¯s wrong with wanting everyone to be accepted?¡±


    ¡°Ain¡¯t nothing wrong with it but it¡¯s the human condition, Jerrica. There¡¯s just some shit that ain''t meant to be figured out.¡±


    ¡°Mhmm, and I don¡¯t agree?¡±


    Andrew smirks and waves his hand, ¡°Would it be so crazy that I¡¯m okay with that?¡±


    ¡°No.¡±


    Andrew¡¯s smile doesn¡¯t leave my eyes. I wonder why he doesn¡¯t want to be called Andy. I want to ask but he¡¯ll just deflect it with a joke. He tries to steal more hashbrowns but I slap his hand away again.


    At this point, it doesn¡¯t matter what we talk about. Andrew is just so fascinating to hear him talk. He has such a bleak but optimistic view of the world. He¡¯s so stupid but at the same time much smarter than he leads on. At one point I get a text and I finally check the time. We¡¯ve been here for two hours just talking about nothing.


    At one point Andrew goes on a tangent about the color theory on Breaking Bad. I haven¡¯t ever seen the show much the way Andrew articulates each character¡¯s color is so fascinating. Andrew spends 20 minutes just explaining the plot so he can tell me that pink represents death whenever it shows up.


    Eventually, our time together has come to an end. Andrew stares at me while I try to say goodbye outside the diner. I never really noticed how cold his eyes are. They seemed so different inside. Now it just seems he¡¯s hurting, he¡¯s in pain. He¡¯s been in pain for so long.


    Andrew is so beautiful.


    -


    I meant to say goodbye. I wanted to get to know him and how he ticks. Andrew aura attracted me since the moment I laid my eyes on him. Now I see why.


    I didn¡¯t plan to be here, I didn¡¯t plan on doing this. I wonder if this was all part of his plan. It doesn¡¯t matter, I think. This is how things progressed I guess.


    I just never thought I would be fucking Andrew in the room I grew up in. How did I get here? What am I doing? Why am I enjoying it so much? It¡¯s rough and intense and far more different than anything I had before. He¡¯s an animal and acts like this is his last meal. I love it.


    Then it changes. It¡¯s out of nowhere and a shock. Andrew just stops and kisses me sensually. He lifts himself and stares me back. ¡°What?¡± I ask him.


    Andrew smirks and starts to laugh. It¡¯s funny and ridiculous that this happened. I realize that Andrew didn¡¯t plan this. I start to laugh too because well, I never thought I would be this spontaneous. I¡¯m confident sure, I know what I want but I just never thought this would happen.


    My heart is being wrapped around by a warm cloth blanket in a New York winter day. I absolutely adore it.

 Chapter 27: Chaconne

    Lyle


    July 4th, 2013


    She¡¯s broken.


    I walk up to her and kneel down. She doesn¡¯t respond so I pick up one of her rusted chains and examine them. They¡¯re too old and fragile, but they do their job. The girl doesn¡¯t look at me, it¡¯s like she¡¯s completely catatonic. Good. I let go of the chains and grab her chin to make her look at me.


    ¡°Look at you, a survivor. Strong. A few weeks ago you were weak, unwilling to live. When I found you out in the streets you were nothing more than dirt, but now,¡± I pause. ¡°Beautiful,¡± I whisper.


    The girl looks away, looks at her chains. I let go of her chin and wait for a response. It always takes a while. The girl weakly tugs on her chains around her legs. ¡°You did this,¡± she says softly.


    ¡°I did this? No. I didn¡¯t do anything. I¡¯m not the one who gave up on life.¡±


    ¡°You¡­¡±


    The girl refuses to look at me. She stares at the cracked and broken wall. I look around. Living here for weeks would break anyone down. It would make me hate my captor. She doesn¡¯t know how powerful she has yet to become.


    The room echoes with the roar of a passing motorcycle from outside. There¡¯s not a lot of light shining through but enough where we can see each other. The room with no windows, the room with only one door, it creaks with a hollow whisper. The girl refuses to see me, to look at me. Once she does, only then will she understand.


    ¡°You did this,¡± The girl winces. ¡°You did this to me,¡± he voice shakes, shaking her chains.


    ¡°I did this for you!¡±


    The girl finally darts her eyes to me. ¡°No, no!¡±


    I stand up, making sure our eye contact doesn¡¯t break. ¡°From the moment I saw you I knew what you could become. You were nothing but a shell of a person, empty and meaningless. I took you here so I can show you what complete emptiness is,¡± I pause. ¡°But now that you know what complete emptiness is, you can use it.¡±


    ¡°This is bullshit!¡± The girl yells, shaking her chains and getting on her knees.


    I get to see her face for the first time. It¡¯s covered in dirt and her brown hair covers her eyes. Her malnourished cheeks bleed from her old reopened scabs. What a weak girl. A weak girl that now has the desire to take the world.


    ¡°You¡¯ve been running away from your own life!¡± I put emotions into my words. I have to make her believe and the only way I can do that is to make myself believe. ¡°This world, it took everything from you! It beat your down into submission, it made you believe that you are worthless. This world made you want to leave it entirely.¡±


    ¡°I hate you.¡±


    ¡°Nah, girl, you got it all wrong. You don¡¯t hate me. You hate yourself.¡±


    My words are getting to her. She whimpers and whines as she slouches down. Her voice is too weak to properly cry but she cries nonetheless. ¡°What do I do?¡± her voice shakes even worse now.


    I kneel to move her hair out of her eyes. They¡¯re milky brown, just like my sister¡¯s. ¡°You use that emptiness. I know because I¡¯ve done it.¡± The girl looks at me again. ¡°I felt like I didn¡¯t matter. I felt like the world hates me. My mother, she would beat me until my tears would turn into blood. I hated her, she made me feel like I wasn¡¯t a person. She took a lot from me, kind of how the world took a lot from you. See, this shit you went through, this shit I put you through? A stronger girl wouldn¡¯t survive it, not the way you have.¡±


    The girl looks away again, then looks back at me with stronger eyes. She straightens out her back and her head starts to rise.


    ¡°Most people, they won¡¯t ever know the kind of pain you have been through. It would kill them, but here you are, you survived the hurricane. And those who survive, those who weather the storm, those are the ones who become the storm. You become the hurricane. You hear me?¡±


    The girl¡¯s eyes shine through, they widen.


    ¡°You become the hurricane and it¡¯s your turn to become stronger and destroy anything that will get in your way,¡± I stand back up and extend my hand out. ¡°And if you believe that the world is now yours, stand up. Stand up and join me and together we will strike back at the world that has wrong us one too many times.


    The girl looks up to me with glowing eyes and gulps down the little saliva she has left. She takes my hand and stands.


    I smile and remove her shackles. I take her hand and take her outside the dark-lit room. Enjoying this book? Seek out the original to ensure the author gets credit.


    -


    One of the girls once asked me why I go to the jobs myself. She was my first little foot soldier. She soon became my second in command, the one who runs the show when I¡¯m not around. She stopped seeing the sun and dyed her hair snow-white just as I once did. She became what I once was; Sessions. Marina became the only one I respect out of all of them.


    I told her, ¡°Hiding behind your workers just makes you a coward. How can one lead when he doesn¡¯t stand beside everyone? I¡¯m not above anyone, they just trust me to know what to do.¡± It¡¯s all sign language. I have never heard her speak in all the years that I¡¯ve known her.


    ¡°Aren¡¯t you afraid your face will be known?¡±


    ¡°Aren¡¯t you?¡±


    ¡°If you go down, all of this was for nothing.¡±


    ¡°Isn¡¯t that why you¡¯re here? The mythical person who runs the whole thing? A ghost, a quick and fleeting session.¡±


    Sessions smiled and moved her bangs. She looked at me with her bugged eyes. They always freak me out. Sessions always freak me out but there isn¡¯t anyone else I trust more. She was far more broken than anyone I have ever met and I made her who she is. Sessions has everything she ever wanted and she owes her life to me.


    So someone tells me why she isn¡¯t here with all of us like she¡¯s supposed to.


    Today was supposed to be the revival of my destiny, my inherited birthright. It¡¯s taken years to get the attention of the last surviving OG of Golden Hearts, but he finally agreed to it. Chopin and I are supposed to bring this country to its knees. Sessions was supposed to be the key to all of this. She was supposed to show him we have the power of God on our side.


    But she isn¡¯t here.


    Acid says she betrayed us but that¡¯s absurd. It doesn¡¯t matter, she isn¡¯t here so all of this will fall apart.


    The skies are turning dark gray. No one said anything about raining today. I look at the warehouse and something doesn¡¯t feel right. My crew is starting to show up and hang around the parking lot. Chopin¡¯s crew hasn¡¯t bothered to show. It¡¯s odd, it¡¯s minutes away from the meeting time we set. No, this is too odd to ignore. Sessions isn¡¯t here and Chopin¡¯s crew hasn¡¯t bothered to show. It¡¯s odd, it¡¯s odd, it¡¯s odd.


    Did they get to her before this? No, they don¡¯t know who she is.


    I look at Acid. One of the girls is talking to him and he¡¯s ignoring her as usual. Everyone is relaxed and isn¡¯t worried about a thing. Andrew isn¡¯t here either. Why isn¡¯t he here? He knows what would happen if he doesn¡¯t show, so why isn¡¯t he here?


    It¡¯s time and everyone except Acid and I head inside. ¡°Have you reached Sessions?¡± I ask him.


    ¡°No, it goes straight to voicemail.¡±


    ¡°Her phone, is it on? Have you checked it on iCloud? Where was she last?¡±


    ¡°Don¡¯t panic.¡±


    ¡°I never panic, well?¡±


    ¡°No, her phones off. Last time it was on it was at the apartment last night.¡±


    Last night? ¡°Why are you telling me this now?¡±


    Acid shrugs and starts to walk inside, ¡°She did her job and went home, it¡¯s not a big deal. Come inside man so we can finally get this Winter.¡±


    My phone starts to ring. I let Acid open the doors and disappear. Once he does, I answer but I don¡¯t say anything.


    ¡°Mendelssohn, you should learn to answer your phone faster,¡± the blocked phone number says. His voice is effeminate. It¡¯s his voice, Chopin¡¯s. This is the first time I have heard him speak. I have seen him once back in Denver, almost seven years ago. Chopin was an old man, probably in his forties back then. He had long hair though and looked almost like the man he is named after, Frederic Chopin.


    ¡°I didn¡¯t have my phone on me. Why is nobody here?¡±


    He chuckles. ¡°How stupid do you think I would be to get busted by the DEA?¡±


    ¡°What do you mean? There¡¯s no DEA here.¡±


    ¡°You had a mole. They have the place surrounded waiting for us to show up to entrap us all. I suggest you leave while you can,¡± Chopin hangs us.


    A mole? I knew there was something odd about all of this. Sessions, she did betray us. No. No that¡¯s impossible, she would still be here if that was the case. Andrew? No, that kid owes me after giving him back his sister. Even if he found out the truth he knows I wouldn¡¯t hesitate to kill him.


    No. There¡¯s only one oddity out of the crew. You just don¡¯t decide to leave the state to visit your dying mother for two months and then come back as nothing happened. Jesus has only been with us for a couple of years but he¡¯s always been the odd one. He¡¯s here today just to watch me fall. He¡¯s the mole, I should have killed him when I first started to suspect him.


    But where is Sessions?


    I leave.


    Sessions was supposed to take Chris to Kennewick to kill him for failing me. I gave him so many resources and time to make this meeting unnecessary but he failed me. He had to go. Chris is the last person to see her and I¡¯m betting he¡¯s still alive.


    I take a deep breath and take back control. I should away be in control, it¡¯s the only way I can take charge. It doesn¡¯t matter if the DEA is here. That¡¯s why I have Acid, he can take the fall. All that matters is Sessions, today wouldn¡¯t have worked without her anyways. I still have half my crew around and they haven¡¯t gotten to me or Sessions. I just have to find her and I¡¯ll have everything again. I knew this day would happen, it¡¯ll be fine, it has happened before. My breathing under control now, there isn¡¯t anything to worry about now.


    I just have to find Marina Lightyear. Her condition, her one of a kind uniqueness is my ticket to achieving my destiny.


    -


    Six years ago, I found her half-dead in the streets of Denver. She was alone, starving and scared out of her mind. She didn¡¯t speak and I didn¡¯t know sign language yet. I was always told that there was going to be a person that would change my life, someone who will give me everything I ever wanted. Somehow, I knew at that moment that It was her, Marina.


    Marina was an orphan. She¡¯s a monster that made her undesirable. See when people are at their lowest, I can build them back up on my image. That¡¯s exactly what I did, it¡¯s what I do. It¡¯s people like me who are destined to change the world. It¡¯s only those who take charge and control people¡¯s lives that can have greatness.


    Some call it evil. It¡¯s not right, it¡¯s not humane and compassionate. It eats people up, makes them unable to sleep. It haunts their dreams and drives them mad. But then they go home, have dinner. They take a bath and sleep well for the very first time in weeks. They wake up.


    Everything in this world can be forgotten through time.

 End of Act 2: Another One (Part 1)

    Elizabeth III


    Grace stares at her summer assignment that her creative writing teacher gave her. Ms. Gladdis does it every year with her classes and makes sure it¡¯s the first grade the second-year teacher gives. The assignment is just a simple journal or a diary that is written throughout the summer. It doesn¡¯t have to be long, just that it contains the truth. Gladdis has never read any but she keeps every single one and gives them back to her students after they graduate or move away. Grace stares at the empty notebook, she doesn¡¯t have a clue what to write about.


    Grace texts Emily to see what she wrote about. Emily doesn¡¯t remember but goes to her room to pull out the journal and have a trip down memory lane.


    June 5th, 2010


    I¡¯m writing this because I¡¯m forced to. I have no real business sharing anything. I think it¡¯s stupid. If you¡¯re reading this, Gladdis, I hope you know that this idea is stupid. I¡¯m supposed to write about my day and feel right? Well, today Cody and I hung out all day at his house and play on his Playstation. That¡¯s pretty much it. It¡¯s what I do every day. Cody is my best friend y¡¯ know? I love him.


    I¡¯ll wait for him and he¡¯ll wait for me.


    June 10th, 2010


    So Cody went to work with his mom today. With the money he got from his mom, Cody took me out to eat. It was Burger King, but it¡¯s a start. We¡¯re barely 14. Normal day though, but Cody did promise me something. He said he¡¯ll never mean to hurt me.


    June 21st, 2010


    I met a weird girl today. It was at Hot Topic. Usually, I wouldn¡¯t go into that store but it had the coolest looking sweater. This girl, I think she said her name was Sarah, was looking at the exact same top. Well, there was only one so I tried to talk her out of it. Luckily for me, she told me that she only stopped to look at it because some blogger has the exact same. This Sarah girl was just an eighth-grader too and already looked like she belongs with the goth kids at school.


    July 30th, 2010


    I¡¯ve been looking at this blogger that one girl showed me. She¡¯s pretty cute and her style is the same. I asked Dad if I could get a raise in my allowance so I can buy some of her clothes. Cody thinks it¡¯s stupid, but I don¡¯t need him to tell me what I like.


    I¡¯m anxious about the school year starting. I mean, freshman year was nice but hard, but they say Sophomore year is the hardest. But I know I¡¯ll be able to get through it because I have Cody and Chris to pull me through. Cody says It¡¯s nothing to worry about, he¡¯s always right.


    Emily closes the journal because she can¡¯t bear to read anymore. She wrote much more than she wanted. Emily gets distracted when her sister Jerrica walks by the hall laughing. She¡¯s on the phone with Andrew. Jerrica is still wrapping her head around having sex with Andrew. She doesn¡¯t even think about telling Emily about it.


    Emily looks back down at her journal and reads another page. It talks about the brief friendship she had with me at the beginning of the year. She wished for it to stick around. Emily frowns and thinks that it would be better if I stuck around.


    She gets a text from Cody. ¡°What time we meeting up?¡±


    ¡°7 works?¡±


    ¡°Ye¡±


    ¡°Do u remember the homework for Ms. Gladdis? It¡¯s a trip.¡±


    Cody reads the text and remembers the assignment as well. He pulls out the notebook out of his drawer but his dad stops him before Cody can open it.


    ¡°Got a sec?¡± his dad knocks on the wall. Cody¡¯s dad resembles Travis more than his youngest son. Unlike Cody, his dad has a very thick and gray beard that adds more age than it takes away. He¡¯s gruff and sharp and has thick skin, almost like wood. Cody sometimes wishes he was older so he could look like him.


    ¡°Yeah, what¡¯s up?¡±


    Cody¡¯s dad, Jesus sits next to his son in his bed. Jesus wishes he could have stuck around for the last three years of Cody¡¯s life but some things are more important. The past few weeks he¡¯s spent with his family has been a blessing so he wants to talk to his son one last time just in case. ¡°I know I haven¡¯t been around, but I just want to let you know I thought about you, your mom and your brother every day.¡±


    ¡°Uh, okay?


    Cody knows about what his Dad does, the sacrifices he makes. Cody has never really minded but always worried he would never see his dad again. The thought crosses his mind again. It¡¯s coincidental maybe, but the pieces were already in place regardless of what Andrew asked.


    ¡°I love you, Cody,¡± Jesus says grabbing Cody¡¯s shoulder and then take his leave.


    Cody looks back at the notebook and opens it up.


    May 22th, 2010


    They say that high school is the first four years of our lives that we get to have so much fun. I¡¯m done with the first and nothing changed from the usual. I did watch my best friend get curious about drugs and go overboard with them. He assured me he has enough mental strength to not let it consume his mind and I had no choice but to believe him. It feels like I¡¯m watching a brightly burning fire pouring liquid flames onto itself.


    I also watched Emily try to identify who she is this year. I watched her go through as many personalities and style changes as Taylor Swift has had boyfriends. I have a feeling that joke will blow up in a few years. I bet on it.


    It is weird growing up. A lot of things I liked a year ago or even two years ago feel stupid to me now. I wonder if this is going to go on for the rest of my life. I¡¯m sure it will. Watching Emily struggling with her first year makes me wonder how much of an outlier I was to the whole popular scene. I don¡¯t care for it but a human can¡¯t help but ponder on the ideas.A case of content theft: this narrative is not rightfully on Amazon; if you spot it, report the violation.


    I just feel so different from everyone else. I don¡¯t like to listen to popular music everyone listens to. Mainstream music just doesn¡¯t dig it for me. Sure I don¡¯t mind listening to it at parties because it¡¯s pop and everyone recognizes it and can dance to it. I just don¡¯t get why everyone would listen to it during their free time. Underground intellectual indie hip-hop and rock are where it¡¯s all at. But hey, to each their own.


    Chris, earlier today convinced me to take up rapping since I¡¯m so interested in it. I think he and Emily are the only ones to hear me freestyle. Emily loves it while Chris always says I could do better. It¡¯s not a bad idea of his. I¡¯m buying a few things so I could record myself and see if I can get anywhere. It might be fun, who knows. I want to learn how to play guitar and play rock more than anything else. I think when I¡¯m done writing this I¡¯m going to ask my brother Travis to teach me. It¡¯ll be cool to start my grunge rock band and be a rapper like my idol. I don¡¯t want to stick to one genre.


    Another thing I¡¯m doing is hanging out with Andrew a lot. I don¡¯t like the little eight-grader a lot. That asshole is too reckless for a middle schooler. I didn¡¯t even want to meet him in the first place. I feel sorry for Mickle Ray High next year. In three months they get a brilliant but dangerous mind. Kind of makes me feel like they¡¯re getting another Chris.


    August 27th, 2010


    Sometimes I wonder what kind of house Emily and I are going to move into. Sometimes I wonder how our kids will look like. I wonder if she doesn¡¯t love me anymore after what happened yesterday. I swear this is the second time it happened.


    Cody gets up and takes out some clothes to get showered.


    -


    August 16th, 2010


    Death is the Road to Awe.


    Chris closes his notebook and gets up from his chair. Marina Lightyear looks up and watches as Chris walks over to the printer in his bedroom. Her heart starts to pound as the last steps of her disappearance are finishing up. She¡¯ll soon be free.


    -


    Sara finishes Melancholia for the third time. This time Grace watched entirely with her. Grace thinks it''s a cool, but weird movie. Sara holds back the tears that this movie brings to her. There¡¯s something about the way the movie was shot, the colors, the story, it captivates her.


    And like always, she takes a shower and when she¡¯s done she stares at herself in the mirror. This is her way of suppressing her emotions. No, I¡¯m sorry. Sara doesn¡¯t suppress her emotions. She learned that it doesn¡¯t work. Instead, she soaks every little thing and feels it instead. Sara keeps herself in a positive place as she stares at her naked body, happy that things have changed for the better. But as always, her nose bleeds. And like always the dread of a monster wraps around her body, slowly consuming her.


    It¡¯s 6 pm and she finds herself alone at the diner. It¡¯s the only thing open for the fourth of July. All of her friends are spending time with each other either at the town¡¯s fair or the various parties people are throwing. She was invited to all of these but Sara chose nothing. Things haven¡¯t been the same since she has been freed from her chains.


    It¡¯s numbing, she¡¯s supposed to be happy but instead, she feels nothing but vacuity. Each day it gets better but to Sara, it all just feels like a dream. Things have been so hard that she doesn¡¯t think that it¡¯s all over.


    Sara enters the diner to avoid the incoming rain. There¡¯s only a handful of people here. In the corner, she spots Jana Kramer. Somewhere deep inside her slow beating heart, tells her to sit down with her. Jana looks up and takes the hair out of her eyes. Sara looks at them and sees nothing but desolation.


    ¡°Yeah?¡± Jana says so softly it could be a whisper.


    Sara smiles and says, ¡°Hi.¡±


    Sara thinks, maybe I need to stop worrying about trying to be happy and just live. I¡¯ve been so concerned thinking about Dad, Andrew, and everything that I see now that things aren¡¯t so bad.


    Sara looks at Jana Kramer, my old friend. She sees nothing but a lost soul who hasn¡¯t recovered from my death. Jana was the best of us, the only one from my group of friends that I liked at the very end. There was a facade that Jana kept up just to be my friend. She was afraid that I wouldn¡¯t be friends with a church girl. Jana wanted to be cool so she would throw parties in her house. She would hide all her religion paraphernalia and we were none the wiser.


    Now she likes to pretend that I¡¯m a ghost and she talks to me whenever she¡¯s feeling lonely.


    Which is all the time.


    ¡°Do you know what she wants?¡± Jana asks the ghost, a non-real version of myself in her head.


    I want to tell her. I want to tell her that everything will be fine and that she needs to stop fantasizing that I¡¯ll always be there for her. Jana is broken and needs to heal.


    ¡°I don¡¯t know,¡± the ghost version of me says.


    Maybe I should have been kinder to her while we were friends. I shouldn¡¯t have pushed her to take my place after I graduated. Our entire friendship was so superficial to me that I failed to see how kind and good Jana is. I¡¯m the one who gave her, her name in the first place. It¡¯s such a stupid name that just stuck around because she would sing Jana Kramer¡¯s whiskey song a lot.


    But that¡¯s not her name. It¡¯s Freyja Elledge.


    -


    Andrew wonders why he¡¯s throwing everything away. He can¡¯t get Jerrica out of his head. He had this whole plan in his head. Andrew was going to ruin Lyle¡¯s drug deal. Andrew knew Cody¡¯s dad worked for the DEA and wanted to be sure to use his knowledge to get the fucker arrested. He was supposed to there right now, ready to give up his freedom just to watch Lyle loses his. This was the only play after Andrew realized that Lyle had been lying to him and wanted to groom his sister into one of his drug dealers. Now he met Jerrica and instead of being where he¡¯s supposed to be, he instead sits down with Virginia.


    ¡°You do realize that just because I¡¯m letting you stay here doesn¡¯t mean you¡¯re allowed to do whatever you want,¡± Virginia says, sitting down and passing Andrew some tea.


    ¡°Yeah, sure, whatever. Thanks for the tea, sis.¡±


    ¡°What made you change your mind?¡±


    Andrew thinks back to Jerrica, how she gets under his skin. He¡¯s still in disbelief that he made a landing. He¡¯s even more surprised that it was her that initiated everything in the first place. She¡¯s confident in herself and doesn¡¯t let Andrew push her around. She excites him.


    He hasn¡¯t felt anything like it. It¡¯s the only reason why he¡¯s here. All Andrew wants is a chance to be normal. All this time he was chasing this desire to have power over everyone and now he wants nothing to do with it all. Andrew doesn¡¯t know what''s wrong with him.


    ¡°Who knows,¡± Andrew shrugs. ¡°I just want to be close to my sister.¡±


    It¡¯s not a complete lie. Ever since their father has been arrested, Andrew hasn¡¯t talked to Sara much. He knows now how weak she can be and that he has to be there to hold her up when she¡¯s unable to stand. Andrew wants to make sure that she¡¯ll be able to stand on her own one day.


    ¡°Okay,¡± Virginia sips on her tea. ¡°No alcohol, no drugs. You have to be in bed by 10 and everything off by 11, is that clear?¡±


    ¡°Pm or Am?¡±


    Virginia chuckles, ¡°And don¡¯t even think about being a smart ass about everything.¡±


    ¡°So what made you think this is a good idea?¡±


    ¡°It¡¯s not, but I¡¯ve grown fond of Sara. I think having you around will help her out better and it¡¯ll help you too.¡±


    Andrew wants to call Virginia out for being too selfless. Sara has told him how tight money has become since she started living with them. Virginia couldn''t even handle him anyways, still, a few days with Sara would be good even though he¡¯ll end up getting kicked out.


    I wonder if it¡¯ll be safe, Andrew thinks. Lyle wouldn''t be so deranged than to go after me just because I didn¡¯t show up to the deal. Even so, it should be ending tonight.


    Andrew looks at the clock hanging from the living of Virginia¡¯s house. It¡¯s seven pm and everything is coming to a close. Sara walks in the front door and stops dead once she sees her brother.

 End of Act 2: Bites (Part 2)

    Chris looks up at the sky as he puts on his green parka. The sun is setting but it¡¯s slowly being covered up by the incoming rain clouds. He looks down to meet eyes with Marina. She signs, ¡°Thank you, I''ll finally be free.¡±


    ¡°No problem,¡± Chris signs back. He watches Marina open the taxi door but stops her from entering by saying, ¡°Are you actually a mute or do you just refuse to talk?


    Marina smiles and looks back. ¡°What do you think?¡± She signs.


    Chris gets it and lets her go. Marina leaves Darkwood, she leaves Seattle. Chris knows she¡¯ll never break free from her chain but at least she can extend them. She looks back one last time and wonders if everything will be okay.


    Chris knows it won¡¯t. For far too long he¡¯s been inactive. See the problem with being an observer is that sometimes there are things that Chris could have stopped but never did. He thinks back at the moment where he could have changed the world. Chris was outside with me when I pulled out my bag where I held the gun. He watched me pull it out and admire it. I looked at him expecting him to say something but never did.


    Chris could have stopped me, he wanted to but felt that it wasn¡¯t his business. It¡¯s the one thing that keeps him up at night. It¡¯s why he¡¯s helping out Marina. He should take action than taking no action.


    But life isn''t black and white like that. Even if Chris took action here, he had no idea it was the wrong one to take. Chris looks over the shining and blinking lights of the distance. Emily and Cody invited him over to hang out at the state fair and that¡¯s where he starts to walk over.


    -


    Lyle finishes a call from one of his men. Acid and half his crew have been arrested. He has his men in prison and has enough money to keep everyone quiet. They¡¯ll all pin everything on Sessions, wherever she is. So Lyle isn¡¯t worried. It¡¯ll take a few years to get everything up and running again, but his operation will run.


    Even if he has to leave town.


    He¡¯s been trying to find Chris but can¡¯t find where the kid is. Chris was the last person to see Sessions, so Lyle will torture him until he gives her up. Then he¡¯ll kill him. That was Session¡¯s job, just another loose end needed to be tied up. He thinks about the possibility of Sessions doing her job but quickly realizes that¡¯s not possible. Chris is smart enough to be able to do whatever he wants, even to make someone disappear.


    He checks the forest, then his house. No one¡¯s home. Lyle checks everywhere were Elizabeth told him where they hung out. The only other place is fair. He thinks if it would be a good idea to be exposed in public. No, he¡¯ll manage. Lyle always does.


    Lyle gets in his black SUV and starts to drive towards the fair.


    -


    Grace enters the empty bedroom of the house party she¡¯s at. She sits next to her friend Liz on the bed. The two girls that invited them, Ren and Ayana pull out a baggie containing white powder. Grace already knows what it is, Liz doesn¡¯t. ¡°What are we doing here?¡± Grace asks, ¡°We should be drinking downstairs.


    ¡°Not tonight,¡± Ren smirks. ¡°We finally got that Andrew kid to sell us an eight ball. We¡¯re all going to get turnt.¡±


    ¡°I¡¯m down,¡± Liz says but only because she wants to seem cool. See Ren and Ayana are the popular girls in their class. Liz wants nothing more but to be in.


    I remember when girls tried to be my friends by doing things like this.


    Grace just says, ¡°Okay.¡± She¡¯s already done ecstasy, she loved it. She¡¯s been drugged by Chris, that was fun too until it was not. She smokes weed with her friends, but they all shield her from the snow-white. She¡¯s never even been offered.A case of content theft: this narrative is not rightfully on Amazon; if you spot it, report the violation.


    Of course, she¡¯s seen Andrew do it. She¡¯s seen Sara do it. They¡¯re pros at it and even though Grace has never done it, she knows what to do when it¡¯s her turn. Everyone else is using just their nose and small lines that aren¡¯t strong. Grace preps the proper amount, the type Sara does and pulls out a dollar and wraps it into a tube. She uses that to do her line.


    Everyone in the room is impressed.


    ¡°What, that¡¯s like, so smooth. Have you done this before, it¡¯s our first time, actually,¡± Ren comments.


    Grace looks up and smirks.


    -


    ¡°Cody, I have to tell you something,¡± Emily says while the two are getting snacks from the town¡¯s fair. Cody looks at her with the same eyes he always looked at me with. They¡¯re calm and caring; protective. He doesn¡¯t say anything and just let her talk. ¡°I have a boyfriend,¡± she says, weakly.


    ¡°That¡¯s okay,¡± he shrugs. ¡°What¡¯s his name?¡±


    Emily¡¯s in disbelief. She¡¯s nervous or scared but those feelings don''t matter because they¡¯re both equally as bad. ¡°Soran. I really, really, like him.¡±


    Despite looking like he doesn¡¯t care, Cody is troubled. He realizes that this is what¡¯s been troubling Emily two days ago. ¡°You said that about the other dudes you dated before.¡±


    ¡°No, this is different,¡± her voice shakes.


    They move out of the way of a couple of kids running through them. Cody takes a quick look around and wonders if the lights were always so bright. Everything is getting louder to him. ¡°What are you saying?¡±


    ¡°I¡¯m saying-¡± Emily pauses. She almost stutters and can¡¯t bring the words to say it. ¡°I can¡¯t marry you in three years. I don¡¯t want you to come to New York so we can be together.¡±


    Cody feels a ball of anger building inside of him. The kind of anger he gets when he loses control and starts to destroy everything around him. ¡°Are-are you serious?¡±


    ¡°Yeah,¡± she whimpers.


    ¡°Well, what the fuck?¡± Cody¡¯s eyes change. Emily notices and takes a step back. ¡°Then what the fuck is this bullshit, acting like we¡¯re still best friends while you¡¯re back in town?¡±


    ¡°You are! You¡¯re just-not what I want. It¡¯s a promise we made as kids. What if you met some girl and started to fall in love, you would do the same thing.¡±


    But Cody doesn¡¯t. He tried, the only one who ever came close was me, but well, I¡¯m dead. ¡°So what the fuck are we doing going on rides in this stupid ass fair, together?!¡±


    ¡°Because we¡¯re friends! We always were, always will be!¡±


    ¡°No! Fuck that! It¡¯s always been you, Ems! You don¡¯t get to go to New York and forget everything about us!¡±


    ¡°You. Don¡¯t. Own. Me!¡± Emily speaks up.


    Cody¡¯s arms go limp. He can feel his eyes start to swell.


    -


    Sara wraps herself around her brother. They¡¯re in the living room finishing a movie starring Ben Affleck and Matt Damon. Sara doesn¡¯t recognize the movie, but Andrew does. It¡¯s been so long since he¡¯s seen one. It¡¯s peaceful for him. Sara is just glad Andrew has come to his senses and chose to stay. Things couldn¡¯t get better for her. Her mind is finally at ease.


    She breathes out.


    Andrew¡¯s phone buzzes and he checks it. ¡°Who¡¯s that?¡± Sara asks, unable to see the name.


    ¡°No one,¡± Andrew chuckles at the joke Jerrica sent him.


    When the movie ends, it¡¯s a little past nine. Andrew knows that he¡¯ll have to sleep on the couch for tonight so he doesn¡¯t want the night to end. He wants to see Jerrica, maybe take her to the fair, but she¡¯s out with her Dad in the city.


    Sara lets go of her brother to stretch, ¡°Man, I¡¯m bored.¡±


    ¡°Want to go to the fair?¡±


    ¡°It¡¯s gonna close.¡±


    ¡°At midnight, fireworks aren¡¯t until 10. C¡¯mon, it¡¯ll be dope.¡±


    Sara smiles, ¡°Fine, let''s go.¡±


    At the fair, Andrew uses his money to buy Sara whatever she wants. She mostly uses it to play games so she could win something. Sara fails miserably and even Andrew takes a few tries. It takes him fifty dollars just so they could win a stuffed bear. It doesn¡¯t matter though, Sara¡¯s smiles make it worth it for Andrew.


    ¡°C¡¯mon, come on this ride with me!¡± Sara complains. Andrew doesn¡¯t want to. He gets sick during amusement rides, but he won¡¯t tell Sara that. ¡°It looks sick, I always wanted to go.¡±


    Andrew looks at the pendulum ride, ¡°Uh, no. I¡¯ll watch though.¡±


    ¡°Oh, you baby,¡± she laughs. ¡°Fine, more fun for me.¡±


    Andrew watches her get on along with everyone else in line. In his peripheral vision, he catches someone he knows. He turns his head to see who it is, but they¡¯re walking towards the parking lot. Andrew looks back at the ride that¡¯s about to start. He decides to go see who it is first.

 End of Act 2: The Dust (Final Part)

    Emily runs after Cody who¡¯s storming off to his car. ¡°What?! You don¡¯t want to be friends?!¡±


    ¡°Not if you¡¯re gonna act this way!¡± Cody turns around.


    They stand in the middle of an obscure parking lot where it¡¯s mostly empty. The clouds are heavy but it hasn¡¯t started to rain. They can both smell the moisture seeping into the concrete. The rain, it¡¯s coming.


    ¡°Cody-¡±


    ¡°I love you, Emily! I always have, and now after everything, you want to leave everything behind?!¡±


    ¡°This town isn¡¯t good for me!¡±


    ¡°Fuck you!¡±


    -


    Chris hears the yelling and recognizes his friend¡¯s voices. He steps out of the fair and into the parking lot to find Emily and Cody shouting at each other. Chris has never seen this. He starts to observe like he always does. He observes until Cody notices him, but he ignores his friend.


    ¡°How do you go to, ¡®let¡¯s be friends¡¯, to ¡®I don¡¯t ever want to come back to this town¡¯?!¡±


    ¡°I never said that! I just said that New York is where I belong for now! You¡¯re being a child, Cody!¡±


    ¡°I¡¯m sorry for fucking waiting for you then! Fuck!¡±


    A fourth, unknown variable enters the image, clapping. Chris looks over and his eyes widen. Cody¡¯s body freezes and Emily¡¯s anger turns into confusion. She¡¯s seen the guy somewhere before. ¡°Bravo, a lovely display of a lover¡¯s quarrel,¡± Lyle says, continuing to clap.


    ¡°You¡¯re-¡±


    ¡°I¡¯m not here for you, lover boy,¡± Lyle stops clapping when he stops his walk. He stands in the middle of Emily and Cody a few feet apart. He looks over to Chris, standing in front of everyone. ¡°Chris, my boy. You¡¯re one hard dude to find.¡±


    ¡°What are you doing here?¡± Chris asks.


    ¡°I¡¯m only going to ask this once. Where is Sessions?¡±


    Chris doesn¡¯t answer. He can¡¯t give up that girl now, not after all the work he did to set her free. Cody looks over at his friend then back to Lyle. He¡¯s supposed to be arrested by now. His dad was supposed to take this bastard down.


    ¡°What the fuck are you doing here?¡± Cody turns to him.


    Lyle walks up to Cody and grabs his arm, pinning him down on the ground without even breaking his eye contact with Chris.


    ¡°What the fuck!¡± Emily yells.


    ¡°I¡¯m not talking to you, boy,¡± Lyle scoffs.


    ¡°Look, I know I¡¯m white, but that somehow feels racist,¡± A fifth player enters, it¡¯s Andrew.


    Lyle looks over to him and his anger only grows. ¡°Where were you, kid? You were supposed to be at the warehouse.¡±


    ¡°And you¡¯re supposed to be in handcuffs, or dead, didn¡¯t really care which,¡± Andrew chuckles. ¡°Let my friend go.¡±


    Lyle gets up and lets Cody go, but only because he has a lesson to teach everyone here. ¡°Where the fuck is the girl, Chris!¡±


    ¡°What girl?!¡± Emily yells.


    Andrew has had enough of this. Lyle was supposed to be dealt with. It wasn¡¯t easy becoming a snitch, only to find out things were already in motion with or without him. The only thing that happened was convincing Andrew not to go to the warehouse. He charges at Lyle. Cody realizes it too, it¡¯s time to fight.


    Lyle moves out of the way and blocks Cody¡¯s fist with his elbow. Andrew grabs hold of Lyle and tries to throw him to the ground but Lyle using his body to hit Cody instead. He then reverses Andrew and throws him to the ground. ¡°Two against one doesn¡¯t really feel fair against you,¡± Lyle mocks them.


    Cody recovers from his pain in his fist and tries to punch him again but instead gets a kick to the gut. He looks over to Emily who is backing away slowly, terrified and unable to run. Cody closes his eyes and feels a fist of brick hit his cheek.


    Cody snaps.


    He charges at Lyle, managing to pick him up and slammed him against the ground. He tries to pummel Lyle but every shot is blocked by his arms. Andrew watches, wheezing and using this time to recover.


    Lyle knocks Cody off and kicks him in the chin. Lyle pummels Cody with a quick left jab then a strong right that knocks Cody down. Andrew goes in but his attack is blocked and countered by a kick to the ribs. It¡¯s no use. These two boys are street fights but Lyle knows how to fight.


    Andrew tries to attack one more time but he¡¯s punched in the middle of this chest, knocking all the air out of him. Lyle knees Andrew in the face while he¡¯s kneeling to catch his breath. This knocks Andrew out cold.


    Cody gets back up and manages to hit Lyle in the jaw. It doesn¡¯t do anything but anger Lyle even more. Cody throws a punch again but Lyle catches it and twists it behind Cody¡¯s back. He steps on the back of Cody¡¯s knees, making him kneel. ¡°This is how it feels, Cody,¡± he says. ¡°This is how defeat feels like.¡±


    ¡°F-Fuck you!¡±


    ¡°Y¡¯know what¡¯s funny?!¡± Lyle starts to laugh. ¡°You were so close to saving Elizabeth. She talked about you all the time. Maybe if she went with you instead of me, she would have been alive. You failed her, just like you failed everyone here.¡±


    Cody winces in pain but doesn¡¯t respond. He¡¯s facing Emily who is too mortified to even move. Chris gulps down a big ball of saliva. He can¡¯t help, there¡¯s nothing he can do. Andrew¡¯s eyes open but everything is spinning and his body isn¡¯t responding.


    Lyle pulls out a silver gun out of his jeans and points it to the back of Cody¡¯s head. ¡°Do you want to know why she killed herself?! She saw a dude¡¯s head completely split open at a motorcycle accident one time. I used that opportunity of death, to make her kill someone I wanted. She couldn¡¯t bear it. Elizabeth was weak. Just like you. And now you¡¯re going to die just like her unless Chris tells me where Sessions is!¡±


    But Lyle doesn¡¯t work like that. He¡¯ll just kill all four off them once Chris tells him.


    Cody continues to stare at Emily. If only he was near his car. He still has that gun he stole in the trunk, hidden away. That is the only exit point that could help him. But it¡¯s too late, Cody closes his eyes and tries to accept his fate. He only sees Emily¡¯s tears.


    ¡°I set her free,¡± Chris finally answers. ¡°If you have to kill anyone here, kill me first.¡±


    Lyle smirks and points the gun at Chris. Cody sees the small window and takes it. He breaks free of Lyle and pushes the gun off his hands. He leaps towards it, grabs it and points it at Lyle.


    The rain begins to fall and it falls hard.


    Chris has seen this before. He¡¯s been here before and is sure of it. This isn¡¯t just a case of Deja Vu. No, it couldn¡¯t be, he thinks.Enjoying the story? Show your support by reading it on the official site.


    ¡°What do you think you¡¯re doing boy?¡± Lyle chuckles. ¡°You think shooting me will solve any of your problems? You already failed. Destiny has brought all of us together and it doesn¡¯t end in my death.¡±


    ¡°Shut the fuck up! It¡¯s over! Leave us alone,¡± Cody yells. His heart is racing and his arm is starting to shake. He thinks that he doesn¡¯t have the balls to do this, but he has too. Cody has to save his friends.


    In the distance, they all start to hear police sirens turn on. Chris''s mind starts to shatter. It¡¯s happening, his dream is happening. He knows what¡¯s going to happen now but his body can¡¯t move, he¡¯s too scared. Chris starts to wonder how reality works. It¡¯s all a shame. He begs his friend for help.


    But you can¡¯t do anything, can you?


    ¡°You live in a box, unable to see what¡¯s above you,¡± Lyle starts to laugh. ¡°The world is just one cosmic journey where we all arrive at our eventual destination. Shoot me!¡±


    ¡°Shut up!¡± Cody screams, his finger slowly getting tighter on the trigger.


    Emily¡¯s heart starts to race and she doesn¡¯t know what to do. Her body is a statue and she manages to process that she¡¯s terrified and is having a massive panic attack. She can feel every part of her body tremble and she can¡¯t think anymore. All she can think is about calming down. So she repeats, ¡°Calm down,¡± over and over again. But like always, it never helps. The only person who can is about to kill someone.


    ¡°Cody, h-help me!¡± she manages to shout.


    Cody''s eyes break focus as he knows what those words mean and like always, he will always be there to calm her down. All she needs is a long embrace in his arms.


    Lyle sees the opportunity and charges at Cody. However, Cody is too focused, he sees this and shoots.


    Nothing happens.


    The sirens'' lights start to show.


    Lyle punches Cody, causing him to drop the gun. Lyle catches it and unlocks the safety. Emily panics even more and sprints down the pavement. She falls; bangs her head on the concrete, gets up and rushes in front of Cody.


    Cody snaps out of his rage and his eyes widen. Chris watches from afar. He can observe every little detail and even notices Lyle slowly squeezing the trigger. His mind breaks completely.


    BANG.


    A mixture of fireworks and thunder muffle the sound along with the pouring rain.


    Chris drops on the floor, screams and goes silent. Cody screams along with the world with its thunder. Emily falls on the ground, trembling her hands on her chest.


    Emily is on the ground shot and is bleeding out. Cody is hovering over her body not knowing what to do but then drops to his knees next to her. Lyle knows he¡¯s out of time. The bluebirds have arrived. ¡°Destiny isn¡¯t finished with us just yet,¡± Lyle smirks and bolts out of the parking lot just before the cops surround the area.


    Cody feels like the ground beneath him suddenly disappeared and he¡¯s falling in infinite darkness that is completely blank. When he looks at Chris, Cody thinks he¡¯s dead too. He then looks at Ems. He doesn¡¯t know what to do.


    Cody looks around and then sees everyone around him. He hears words coming from Emily and then realizes Emily was never meant for him. Cody¡¯s darkness consumes him as he failed her just like he failed me.


    But now, Emily is crying. She¡¯s dying and so is Cody on the inside. And so Cody starts to break down.


    Sara gets off the ride and searches for her missing brother. She sees the lights of the police cars in the distance. There are a bunch of officers walking around, searching for someone.


    She finds her brother on the ground, unable to pick himself up. Cody is talking to a police officer. Chris is motionless on the ground. An officer is trying to stop the bleeding from Emily with the paramedics just arriving. Sara starts to walk up to the parking lot but is stopped by an officer. She can do nothing but watch.


    -


    Grace steps outside of the house party. She hears the police sirens all over through town. They¡¯re chasing someone. She closes her eyes and feels every raindrop land on her skin. She feels powerful. For once she isn¡¯t being mocked by her peers in her grade. She¡¯s making friends, making people like her.


    The coke fuels her. She is her own queen.


    I don¡¯t ever want to feel small and weak, she thinks. I can take over the school. I can be cool. I can be loved.


    Grace comes back inside after one of the guys calls for her. He takes hers up to the empty room where she first took her first step in adulthood in her mind. They kiss and get together in bed. Grace wants to take an even further step.


    But the guy gets nervous and leaves.


    Grace goes downstairs and mocks him for it. It makes her even more liked.


    Grace gets a call from Sara, telling her to come home. Grace gets another from her mother yelling at her to do the same.


    -


    Emily is still conscious, fighting to stay awake as hard as she can. Perhaps it¡¯s a miracle, or maybe it¡¯s her sheer will. However, she is sure that the bullet is in the middle of her right lung and can¡¯t even feel her body anymore. What¡¯s more amazing is that she can still speak and it baffles the paramedics when she shouts. ¡°I fucking hate this town!¡±


    -


    Chris is sent to the hospital as well. It seems he has gone catatonic. Emily is prepped for surgery. Andrew and Cody are taken in for a check-up. Everyone arrives at the hospital. Emily¡¯s father calls his ex-wife and apologizes to her and tells her she was right the whole time.


    This is how the world ends. Things didn''t work out as the universe blueprinted it and now Chris is at a mental hospital completely insane.


    Cody once watched a documentary about near-death experiences. Many of the people who talked described as having an out of body experience and being able to see their body and things they shouldn¡¯t be able to see because their body was unconscious. If there is a chance Emily will survive, he wonders if Ems is having this experience right now.


    But nobody knows what¡¯s going on behind those closed doors. Sara, Andrew, Jerrica, Grace, Virginia, and Ems¡¯ father and now Cody wishes for the best. And they all want; they don¡¯t need Emily to survive.


    And this is humanity. Chris had realized this a long time ago. We don¡¯t need anything. We are alone and lost. We search for Gods because we are nothing more but weak. We hold onto our beliefs and morals thinking they will make us good people. But at the end of the day, we are still alone.


    Cody also realizes this. We all do. It is part of the human experience. We will all love, and lose that love. We will fall into the burning darkness and those who are strong enough will be able to climb out of it no matter how much they fall. People are destroyed, rebuilt, and destroyed only to be rebuilt again. Unlike Chris, he knows people are strong. They have strong wills. People do not die easily.


    And all of this is how humanity stays alive. We may be greedy. We can destroy life, we can destroy each other and we can destroy the world, but no matter what, we will always love each other.


    The dollar bills, the land, the status, the power, the fame, the legacy.


    These brutes that lead us don¡¯t realize that it all goes away given time. Greed dies with the person but greed is the only thing that keeps us alive. Because really, what else is there to do but to be selfish enough to want that for others?


    It¡¯s funny that I wasn¡¯t strong enough to see all this.


    It all started with whatever a person believes. It started with God and nothing, or it just started from nothing. This is what drove Chris insane. How the fuck is consciousness possible? What exactly is the nothing in-between the nucleus and the electrons? Is this nothingness used to give space to the universe that holds lives? These impossible questions destroyed a human life. The infinite figure eights. The fine and only grand consciousness; trapped in an eternal self hell.


    A universe is just a projection to keep itself from going insane.


    And so everyone worries.


    Policemen find Chris¡¯s parents. They inform them what¡¯s going on. To them, Chris always seemed fine. It¡¯s only then that they realized they had no idea what was going on in his life.


    Stories are bound to have plot twists. They may be small or clich¨¦ but they always happen.


    Grace takes out her journal and finally starts her summer homework. She stops and thinks about what she wants to write about. She thinks about Sara and thinks about Emily and she thinks about the girl named Grace. She is the center of the universe after all.


    Grace starts to cry and she knows why.


    -Grace: July 4th, 2013


    I don¡¯t know what to write.


    I guess¡­I think I made a big mistake today. I tried coke for the first time. I was out enjoying myself while the whole world was falling apart. How selfish can I be?


    Fuck


    I just don¡¯t know. Sara tells me all these things about sadness and tragedy. She tells me how we only have each other to rely on when we can¡¯t stand. But how can we when Emily was shot? Emily was shot and I don¡¯t know if she¡¯s gonna make it. She¡¯s in critical condition. I hope she makes it.


    But I saw how badly Cody was terrified. It pained me to see him like that. I¡¯ve never seen a guy cry so much. Hell, he fought security to try to get in the surgery room after he was released from wherever the cops had him. Watching all that. He doesn¡¯t really care about me, does he? We won¡¯t work out.


    It was a thousand times more depressing than when Sara sat us all down. Nobody seems to know where Chris went except for Cody but he could barely speak. All he said was that Chris went catatonic whatever that means.


    I¡­I don¡¯t know what I¡¯m writing down anymore. I don¡¯t even know who I am anymore. I don¡¯t know my own feelings. I feel like I have no emotion at all. I don¡¯t even care anymore. The word for this is Apathy.


    But I¡¯m crying.


    And I¡¯m gone.


    Long Gone

 Chapter 28: Taking Chances

    Jana Kramer/Freyja Elledge


    July 14th, 2016


    She¡¯s a gift sent down to me by God.


    I never once imagine that out of everyone in this stupid, ill world that Sara would be the one who pulls me out of the darkness. She was patient and never gave up. She held my hand when I couldn''t stand up and stayed by my side through the hard. She had a cicada in her hair and was humming like a bee.


    A collection of stories we could break into bits. Sara saw through my pain and was the only one who could truly understand it. It¡¯s the pain that kept her interested, like gravity. I couldn¡¯t put the blame if I wanted in the end. I didn¡¯t know if she was a friend or an enemy but it was the love that connected all these threads. At first, I thought it was just admiration but the ghost of Elizabeth made me see otherwise.


    I¡¯m the sinner of sins. A disgrace in the eyes of my parents and God. I fought hard to fight the emotions but there was no getting around the simple fact that I was in love with Elizabeth. She was my first friend, my best friend. She was ripped away from me and I never got to say goodbye.


    The last time I saw her she came into my parent¡¯s church. It¡¯s what people do when all else is lost and nowhere to turn to. Elizabeth was distressed, Cody and her had just broken up and in result, Elizabeth did something bad to a girl we knew. Elizabeth was tripping with guilt but I could tell that wasn¡¯t the only thing that was on her mind. Her voice shakes like she did something even worse that she couldn¡¯t talk about. I walked her home and that was the last time I saw her.


    It destroyed me and nobody seemed to care. They let me wallow in my pit of depression and no one ever even tried to reach their hand inside to pull me out. At least, that''s what I thought. I was so bitter back then that I refused to see how many people were trying to help. I tunneled so hard on what was in front of me that I failed to see the people around me. And I thank God I waited until Sara to finally try and be happy for once.


    We spoke once over summer but that never led anywhere. It wasn¡¯t time, although I wish I would have listened then so I could have spent more time with her.


    No, it wasn¡¯t until the New Year where she tried again. This time she didn¡¯t give up and she opened my eyes. I started to fall and it was steep, it was violent and painful. It was wrong to be gay but I still mustered the courage to tell my parents. Then my father got cancer and he blamed it on me. I was forced to break Sara after everything she went through.


    But we weren¡¯t done. It wasn¡¯t our destiny to be finished. Dad grew to understand and I was able to save whatever Sara and I had left and start to grow it once again. See, God doesn¡¯t have to deal with absolutes, that wouldn¡¯t be righteous. My homosexuality was designed by God so Sara and I could be together.


    Together we explored and reached the highest peaks of adventure. Sara discovered what she was passionate about and I discovered who I am. Sara wants to explore human emotion through film and music. We created a Youtube channel for the songs she makes. It¡¯s through this is where I saw who I am meant to be. I¡¯m a child of God who will help her friends accomplish their dreams. I¡¯m a person who needs to help those in need just as God intended me to be. This is who I am.


    Sara is kind, too kind for her own good. I saw her once as someone controlled by the devil but she was saved how she saved me. It¡¯s this kindness that gets her hurt when the world decides to be cruel. Time moves on and all girls can¡¯t stay. Sara left Darkwood to study film in Los Angeles and I left for Boulder, Colorado. We promised to remain friends but life likes to get in the way and that friendship starts to fade.


    It wasn¡¯t painful or dramatic but it just fizzled out like it never happened, but it did happen. Now that school is over once again and I find myself home. I find myself outside the dinner looking in where Sara and I used to spend most of our days. She¡¯s laughing, talking to her sister, Grace. I want to get the courage to walk in and rekindle that long lost love that we use to share a short year ago.


    A short year ago we were walking down sunset beach in Issaquah. Her hands were warm and soft like new silk that has been untouched. She had this smile that could quite literally light up and room devoid of light. Every time she would close her eyes I would focus mine on her little mole on her left eyelid. She caught me that day and asked, ¡°What are you doing?¡±


    I giggled and said, ¡°Nothing, you¡¯re just really pretty.¡±


    It¡¯s the sweetness of her blush from her lips that I take in sip by sip that keeps me in love. Sara pulls back and said, ¡°You say that every time,¡± She laughs. ¡°Come up with something more original.¡±


    ¡°Then I¡¯ll have to come up with something new every time.¡±


    Sara and I laugh together as we sit down on the sand of sunset beach a few feet away from the water. I always thought people would be disgusted or say something to us but I guess I lived in a deluded where I thought people cared. They don¡¯t and it took a long time for me to realize that.If you encounter this tale on Amazon, note that it''s taken without the author''s consent. Report it.


    I watch some little kids run in front of us headfirst into the water. ¡°


    The beach lived up to its reputation. There was a cocktail of dark blue, pink and finally a beautiful dark red as the night slowly crept in closer. The skies we mostly clear for once which allowed the warmth of the setting sun to embrace us for a few minutes longer.


    ¡°You really like my mole huh?¡± Sara giggled.


    ¡°Hmm, just a bit.¡±


    ¡°Well I really like that little birthmark on your hip,¡± Sara said laughing. I pushed her out of embarrassment and she fell to the sand continuing to laugh. ¡°I¡¯m sorry, I¡¯m sorry. It¡¯s just you look at it too much.¡±


    ¡°I don¡¯t know, I just really like it.¡±


    ¡°Hmm, thanks. It took a long time for me to like it.¡±


    I grabbed hold of Sara¡¯s hand and pull her up to sit back up. I didn¡¯t let go and Sara adjusted it so we can properly wrap our fingers together. I can still remember the smile she gave me that day. It radiated like arrows of light, almost heavenly. That was the moment I decided God purposely made me gay. My entire life has led to these moments like I couldn¡¯t do anything differently and change the outcome. Sara has always been my destiny.


    ¡°I love you,¡± I told her. I rarely tell these words to her. She knows how little I say them so when she heard them, she only laughed. She didn¡¯t laugh out of pity or anything funny, but at how cute I said it.


    Sara grinned showing me how alike she could be to her brother, they have the same smile. ¡°I love you, Fey.¡±


    I could try and remember more important events that we did together. I could talk about the concert we went to where we got matching necklaces or the moment I took her hand so she can be my friend. I can talk about our many firsts but there¡¯s something so magical about that insignificant day where we just wanted to go to the nearest beach. It¡¯s moments like these that make me realize that things are worth fighting for.


    It¡¯s just why I don¡¯t know why I¡¯m so afraid to enter the diner and say hi. We barely talk anymore only exchanging a few texts a couple of times a week. I don¡¯t know how it happened. I guess life got really busy for both of us. I haven¡¯t been to town since we last said our goodbyes. It¡¯s that lack of contact that made this all fade away, video calls weren¡¯t enough.


    Sara laughs at something Grace said. Two girls enter the diner and greet Sara and Grace as they sit together. I feel like a stalker, I should have told Sara that I¡¯m back in town.


    As I turn around I hit a hard body, ¡°Oh sorry,¡± I say without looking.


    I look up and it¡¯s Cody. ¡°Don¡¯t worry about it,¡± he says with a slight smile. ¡°Not heading inside?¡±


    ¡°No,¡± I laugh nervously. ¡°It¡¯s been a while, Cody.¡±


    ¡°Yeah, it has, for too long. Want to head inside with me? It¡¯ll make it less awkward for you,¡± he chuckles.


    Cody always had a way of making you think he was inside your head. He¡¯s a good guy who helped me sort out my issues out. I haven¡¯t seen him for so long that those two years made him look older than he is. His face is more rugged and he¡¯s growing a beard. It¡¯s not long but it''s far from just stubble. His shaggy brown hair is now an undercut that makes his head look slimmer than I remember. His eyes are still the same, coffee brown and seemingly aware of everything.


    ¡°Oh no, I¡¯m not, I¡¯m not ready.¡±


    Cody tilts his head in amusement, or at least I think. ¡°You¡¯re scared to talk to her, huh?¡±


    ¡°Yeah.¡±


    ¡°It¡¯s okay. She talks about you from time to time, she misses you. I¡¯ll see you around, Freyja,¡± Cody says then reaches his hand to open the door to enter.


    ¡°Can you not tell her I¡¯m here. I want to surprise her when I¡¯m ready.¡±


    Cody lowers his hand and turns back to me. ¡°Come to my show. Sara¡¯s my guitarist, she has gotten even better since you last seen her play.¡±


    I giggle, ¡°Dude I follow her youtube channel, she¡¯s getting quite popular.¡±


    ¡°Come, I¡¯ll put you on the guest list. You can talk to her then.¡±


    ¡°I don¡¯t know, maybe.¡±


    ¡°I¡¯ll put you on anyways. It¡¯s this Friday,¡± Cody reaches for the door again then opens it. ¡°You won¡¯t get anywhere if you wait for things to happen. I¡¯ll see you around,¡± Cody chuckles before heading inside.


    ¡°See you.¡±


    I look through the window and Cody greets Sara, Grace and her friends. He sits down and looks for me a split second. I just turn around and walk away. I don¡¯t think I¡¯m ready. All I want is to be friends with Sara again. It¡¯s just so awkward, like, what do you say? ¡°I¡¯m sorry we both been too busy to keep up with each other lives so let¡¯s just carry on as nothing happened?¡±


    It¡¯s not that simple. I think.


    -


    I head over to the cemetery. I don¡¯t like coming here often but I like talking to Elizabeth for guidance. She used to talk back but that was just my delusion to have her still be alive. Now I just come to feel her presence. Sometimes it does feel like she¡¯s watching me. Dad says it¡¯s her way of reassuring me that she¡¯s in heaven and watching over me. I don¡¯t know about that, she wasn¡¯t a saint. Nobody in this town is.


    Her gravestone has been forgotten by the slow sands of time. People move on and care a little bit less and less. Now there¡¯s only a single rose placed the soft soil, withering away. I place my own and hope it reaches her.


    She had so much guilt on her shoulders. I only wish she could have talked about it to me, maybe that outlet would have changed things.


    ¡°Wouldn¡¯t it?¡± I say out loud. ¡°You used told me that death meant nothing to you, it¡¯s just an event that proves life.


    I close my eyes and wait for a response. All I get is the soft wind carrying the heavy clouds that will engulf Darkwood for the next couple of days. But that¡¯s just the thing, I moved on as well. I no longer can hear her because I accepted her death, there isn¡¯t a thing I can change.


    But I can still change what I want with my life. I can still rekindle the friendship I had with Sara. We¡¯ve been through so much together to let it end like this. I open my eyes and see that there is a morning glory growing beside the gravestone.

 Chapter 29: The Walls Came Tumbling Down

    Chris IV


    Are you seeing what I¡¯m seeing?


    Good. It¡¯s been a couple of crazy months. I don¡¯t know when I woke up but they tell me it¡¯s been about a year. Now I¡¯m finally home where I can eat some decent food and not be on medication the entire time. Mom has let go of everything just to take care of me. For once she treats me like a son and not just a boy who lives in her house. She still runs her business but now she hardly leaves the house so she¡¯s sure I¡¯m okay. But I don¡¯t think I¡¯ll ever be okay again. Everything I do makes things worse. It doesn¡¯t matter if I take action or not, bad things always happen because of me. It¡¯s better if I live in solitude in my room.


    ¡°Who are you talking to, man?¡± My swordtail fish says. Mom bought it for me to keep me company since I hardly leave my room. I never actually gave him a name.


    I know, I know. Fish can¡¯t talk, but I¡¯m crazy, remember?


    ¡°You know there¡¯s no one there. Why they gotta give me the crazy ones. Man, a fish can¡¯t ever just live in peace.¡±


    ¡°But you live in peace. You¡¯re alone in a fishbowl without nothing to worry about.¡± I say getting up from my bed and walking over to the fishbowl. The swordtail fish is looking directly at me.


    ¡°Man! This ain''t living! What¡¯s the point in life if there isn¡¯t something to pursue?!¡±


    ¡°What do you mean?¡±


    ¡°Dreams, man! I have dreams! A fish can¡¯t live in solitude without the romance of adventure. I ain''t no different than dead here!¡±


    I tap on the fishbowl and the swordtail swims around in circles. ¡°Do you want me to take you to the river?¡±


    ¡°Hell no!¡±


    ¡°Why not?¡±


    ¡°Do you know what those river fish will do to a brotha¡¯ like me? I¡¯m better off here, don¡¯t have to worry about nothing.¡±


    ¡°I¡¯m confused. You say this is no life for a fish but you don¡¯t want to leave?¡±


    The fish stops moving and turns to me. It¡¯s stare is cold. You must think I¡¯m nuts. ¡°Freedom isn¡¯t limited to walls. Besides, existence is bliss and if you''re bound by your walls there¡¯s going to be a lot that you¡¯ll miss.¡±


    ¡°I mean, life seems to be more peaceful when confined to the mind. I don¡¯t have to be blinded by evil.¡±


    The swordtail fish starts laughing. ¡°Man,¡± he laughs on and on without taking a breath.


    I put up my middle finger.


    ¡°You¡¯re a funny dude for being such a thinker,¡± he boldly proclaims. ¡°It¡¯s too bad.¡±


    ¡°How can someone think too much?¡±


    ¡°Your mind reminds me a lot like this glass box you keep me in. It¡¯s just a two by four glass box, you just have a slightly different reality frame. You¡¯re trapped ¡®cause you been convinced you cannot change. Insanity always lingers, thinking just brings you to the brink,¡± the fish continues to laugh. Mr. Fish pushes himself against the glass, ¡°Break yourself from your chains.¡±


    I pull back and realize that my breath is heavy. I look back at Mr. Fish and he¡¯s swimming around no longer laughing. Did that just happen? Did you hear all of that? Tell me you saw that.If you encounter this narrative on Amazon, note that it''s taken without the author''s consent. Report it.


    I¡¯m crazy, I¡¯m crazy, I¡¯m crazy.


    What do you do when you try to do free someone from their chains but it only hurts someone else? I haven¡¯t seen Marina since I freed her. She was in trouble and I had the means to help her so why did my friend get shot? Why did I dream of it happening before it even happened? Is time not linear?


    What do you think of all of this? What am I supposed to do? I¡¯m responsible for Elizabeth¡¯s suicide, I could have stopped it. I¡¯m responsible for sticking around Lyle, helping him make money just so I can be selfish and explore the metaphysical consciousness. I drugged Grace just to see what would happen. It subconsciously made her want more. Now this thing with Marina, everything I do and don¡¯t do just leads to shit. How do you know what decision is best? Am I that delusion with the world that I don¡¯t know what¡¯s ethical?


    Mr. Fish is right. If I think about this too much I¡¯ll go insane. There isn¡¯t a point in staying in my four by four-room, this isn¡¯t living. I put on my green parka and open the door to my room. I look back at the fishbowl, Mr. Fish is staring at me.


    Mom¡¯s downstairs making food. She never used to make food, she would leave that to the maid. ¡°Chris? Where you headed?¡±


    ¡°Cody¡¯s,¡± I lie.


    Cody doesn¡¯t live in Darkwood anymore. He has an apartment in Seattle that I go to from time to time. Mom doesn¡¯t know that so it¡¯s a good excuse but how can good can it be when I¡¯m 21 and I still have to lie to her.


    I don¡¯t know what pulls me to Elizabeth¡¯s grave but it does. This is where I end up. I haven¡¯t been here so it takes me a while to find it. I¡¯m the only one who didn¡¯t go to her funeral. Elizabeth Wilson, it reads. Beloved daughter and friend to all. There are two roses on the grave, one¡¯s withered and the other has been freshly placed.


    The human soul has a natural flow that doesn¡¯t ask to go, it just pulls. It¡¯s why I¡¯m here right? I¡¯ve been where no conscious mind has so I know when it pulls. Lyle liked to talk about destiny a lot, maybe he was able to feel the pull too.


    I know why I¡¯m here before she can even say, ¡°Chris?¡± Why did I know she was here?


    I look back and Emily is walking towards me. It¡¯s been three years, the last time I saw her she was bleeding out in the parking lot of the town fair. Cody told me how after that night, Emily cut out everything about Darkwood. She was supposed to leave everything behind for good, so why is she here?


    ¡°Emily¡­¡±


    ¡°Chris! Holy shit! Last I heard you were in a mental hospital, are you okay?¡±


    ¡°They let me go last year. I¡¯ve been fine.¡±


    Emily hasn¡¯t changed much in three years. Her hair¡¯s longer than I remember and it¡¯s no longer dyed a darker red. Her fashion sense is worse, or better depending on how you look at it. I don¡¯t care about that, but to give you a visual, she¡¯s wearing a yellow plaid shirt under denim overalls and black timberland boots.


    ¡°I¡¯m so glad, what are you doing here?¡±


    ¡°I don¡¯t know.¡±


    Emily giggles, ¡°You and I both.¡±


    There¡¯s a brief moment of silence because I don¡¯t know what to say. I look at Elizabeth¡¯s grave and back at Emily¡¯s. ¡°I¡¯m sorry I got you shot.¡±


    Emily smiles, ¡°It¡¯s fine, dude. I¡¯m over it. It wasn¡¯t your fault anyway. I¡¯m only in town for my cousin¡¯s wedding. I don¡¯t plan to stick around for long.¡±


    ¡°Yeah, I heard you left. Has it been better? You¡¯re not mad at me?¡±


    Emily¡¯s smile is contagious. I never believed Cody but he¡¯s right. ¡°Nah,¡± she shakes her head. ¡°What happened, happened.¡±


    ¡°So why¡¯d you leave?¡±


    ¡°The town¡¯s cursed, Chris. I only hope I don¡¯t get shot again in the next four days,¡± Emily laughs nervously. ¡°Honestly, I never even wanted to come back but my sister convinced me. Monday can¡¯t come soon enough.¡±


    Do you see what¡¯s happening? Maybe this is destiny happening in front of my eyes. Something tells me that something is going to happen in these next four days. You feel it too, don¡¯t you? It¡¯s why you¡¯ve been observing the entire time. You want to see how this all ends. I do too.


    I have been forgiven. All this time I¡¯ve been feeling guilty over what happened to Emily and she doesn¡¯t even care anymore. Is this what Mr. Fish was talking about? Is forgiven really what¡¯s all I need.


    ¡°No, silly,¡± Emily says with a smile. ¡°It¡¯s not all you need. You need to start living too, break free.¡±


    ¡°What? How can you hear what I¡¯m thinking?¡±


    The world around us starts to flood. I look down and the water is surrounding us fast but Emily doesn¡¯t seem to mind, she just continues to smile. It doesn¡¯t take long for us to be chest-deep in water, then we¡¯re completely underwater but I¡¯m still able to breathe. What¡¯s going on?


    ¡°Don¡¯t you see?¡±


    I look around and the world is completely engulfed in water. There¡¯s something in the distance and I start to walk towards it. It¡¯s blurry and only gets bigger as I get closer. I look back at Emily and she¡¯s not there. Was she never there to begin with? Fuck, I really am crazy.


    I look back and walk closer.


    Oh. Right.


    I¡¯m just a fish.

 Chapter 30: Ivy

    Grace IV


    Liz refills her vape on the creaky old wooden table. Alex sets down the 12-pack right next to her and tosses a beer to his friend, Zac. I set down the bottle of whiskey and shot glasses. Just as we all open our beer cans, Ren arrives with Ayana and Marcus.


    The boys set up the campsite to toss around a football. Ayana and Ren sit together and try to see how many shots of whiskey they can do without making a face. They only last two. I laugh while I sip on my beer.


    Liz turns to me and says, ¡°So, is tonight the night?¡±


    She talking about Alex and I. The tension between us has been building ever since sophomore year. Now that our four-year tenure has ended, the tension has never been higher. It¡¯s a game of will they, won¡¯t they? There have been at least five different times where we could have hooked up but for some reason or another, something happens to stop it. I could easily have forced it whenever I wanted but,


    ¡°Oh please, Grace is queen. She can have it whenever, with whoever. I¡¯m still mad you got with Peter before any of us could,¡± Ren says with a smirk. She¡¯s just proud that she used my clout to be popular.


    ¡°That and I¡¯m not desperate,¡± I respond.


    My friends laugh, maybe because what I said was funny or maybe because they have to. I¡¯m not sure anymore. Liz seems to be the only one who cares to be my friend just to be my friend. Ren and Ayana only seem to be my friends because I¡¯m the girl everyone wants so by association, they¡¯ll want them to.


    That¡¯s right, I almost forget sometimes. I¡¯m the queen of Mickle Ray High School. Well at least until the end of summer. It¡¯s been a hell of a road that I fought hard to get here. I can¡¯t count the amount of backstabbing and underhand fights I¡¯ve been through. I went from ¡°Brainguts¡± to everyone kissing my feet.


    It¡¯s just a facade. I mask I put on to go through high school, but it works. Just how it works today.


    We¡¯re just hanging out at the usual spot, like always. It¡¯s the campsite inside the Darkwood forest. It¡¯s usually filled by cars forming a circle where everyone hangs out by sitting on the hoods of the cars. This is where all the cool kids hang out in, the wannabe influencers, the fake kids.


    When the boys finish their game of toss they join us to do shots of whiskey. I¡¯m the only one who doesn¡¯t. Instead, I pull out an eight-ball that I got from Felix.


    ¡°Jesus, Grace,¡± Liz comments.


    ¡°Yeah, is it a good idea to mix drinks with-¡±


    I cut off Zac as I lay down a line. ¡°It¡¯s 2016, don¡¯t be pussies.¡±


    Ayana and Alex laugh. ¡°Can I get a line?¡± Alex asks.


    We look at each other in the eyes. The good Christian boy is now doing hardcore drugs, who would have thought. His eyes are light but bright blue and I get lost within them. I¡¯m reminded why we never hooked up, to begin with.


    ¡°Sure, anybody else?¡±


    Everyone else shakes their heads and I roll up a twenty to do a bump. Alex does the same.


    Thirty minutes later, everyone¡¯s drunk or tipsy. It doesn¡¯t matter. Ayana and Zac are on the hood of Ren¡¯s car making out. Ayana doesn¡¯t even like Zac like that but she knows she needs to distract Zac if I ever want to get close to Alex. Liz has taken Marcus somewhere. She likes him so I guess it¡¯s fine. All that¡¯s left is Ren.


    She¡¯s competitive and always wants everything I have. She always tries to undermine me, usually fails but still acts like my friend. I was making fun of her earlier when I said I wasn¡¯t desperate. She¡¯s not very bright either. Alex and I watch her pass out after trying to keep up with us. We leave her laying down on top of the wooden table.


    I catch Alex¡¯s perfect eyes on me while I¡¯m sipping on my beer? ¡°Do I have something in my face?¡±


    Alex shakes his head. ¡°Nah, just looking at the prettiest thing here.¡±


    I feel myself blushing. This is it, there is no other chance to hook up with Alex. Everything that happened today was panned just so this could happen. Liz knows it, Ayana knows it, Ren tried to ruin it, Zac and Marcus probably know it, I just wonder if Alex knows. ¡°Nah, that would be you.¡±


    Alex chuckles. It¡¯s soft and calming, just like his smile. I¡¯ve been crushing on him for so long, I just can¡¯t believe it took me so long to get here. I¡¯m supposed to be able to get anyone I want, right? That¡¯s just the facade I put on. The confidence everyone knows I have is just a mask that Felix helped me construct.


    Inside I¡¯m still that dork with heavy glasses and braces.


    But Alex doesn¡¯t have to know that. ¡°Y¡¯know, every time we¡¯re at a party together, you never get drunk, do you? Pretty smart.¡±


    ¡°Says the Christian boy doing lines of cocaine,¡± I poke fun of him.


    ¡°Nobody will let that go, will they?¡± Alex laughed and I join him. Alex¡¯s parents own the Darkwood church. It¡¯s a pretty cathedral and probably the tallest building in the town. He¡¯s also Freyja¡¯s brother.


    ¡°Nah, it¡¯s too funny.¡±


    ¡°Do you got another line?¡±


    ¡°Yeah, sure.¡±


    I watch Alex do a line after I do one. He¡¯s so handsome.


    ¡°Do you want to see something cool?¡± I say getting up, extending my arm to him.


    He takes it, it makes my heart jump. ¡°Where?¡±


    ¡°You¡¯ll see.¡±


    I lead Alex on a five-minute walk deeper into the forest. The road is unpathed so I trip over myself a couple of times. Luckily I have Alex to catch me when I do. ¡°Where we going?¡±


    After he says that, we walk through some tall grass and we arrive. I found this place last year when I was exploring around. It¡¯s a small open field with a creek running through the middle. Part of it is wide enough to make a small pool. Around the creek is a garden of wildflowers. I don¡¯t know enough about them to know which are which.


    ¡°Wow,¡± Alex says, walking up to the garden and touching a few.


    ¡°Pretty, right?¡±


    ¡°Yeah,¡± he says turning around.


    This is it, this is my chance. I go up to him and kiss him. My heart is pounding and time feels like it slows down. I watch Alex closes his eyes and lean in to meet my lips.Stolen content warning: this content belongs on Royal Road. Report any occurrences.


    Oh god.


    It¡¯s everything I wanted and more. Finally, finally, my facade came through and gave me the confidence to do this. He kisses me like it matters and like nothing else does. Besides the faint taste of whiskey, it¡¯s like chocolate. Sara is going to crucify me once she learns I kissed her ex-girlfriend¡¯s brother. Alex gets tense a bit, the goes loose.


    I push him down to the ground, on top of the bed of flowers and kiss him even more. God, I want this so bad. I¡¯ve done everything I could think of to make myself grow up just so I can have the confidence to do this.


    I start to unbuckle his jeans without breaking away from my lips. Once his jeans are loose, I reach down and feel just how hard he is. This is it. This is it.


    Alex tenses up and pushes me off. ¡°Stop, stop.¡±


    ¡°What? Why?¡±


    ¡°It¡¯s not right. You hooked up with Peter, I couldn¡¯t do that to him.¡±


    What the fuck?


    ¡°What?! No? We never fucked. He just said he did.¡±


    Fuck. shit. The lie I let Peter tell finally caught up to me. Peter, the star of the football team. Captain, the most popular guy in school, best friend to Alex. There was a party when I was a junior where we got drunk and he led me upstairs to his room. I thought that was a good place to lose my virginity, the only thing, he couldn¡¯t get it up. Peter was embarrassed and I told him it was okay and wouldn¡¯t tell anybody. I let him lie about us, that he took my virginity, that it takes the best of the best to get with Grace Ciotta.


    ¡°Don¡¯t lie,¡± Alex sighs getting up and buckling back his jeans. ¡°Shit. He¡¯s gonna be pissed.¡±


    ¡°Alex,¡± I fake a giggle, ¡°Peter and I kissed once last year at his party, we never hooked up.


    But that doesn¡¯t matter to Alex. He believes his bro over me. It¡¯s the stupid bro-code anyways. I just never thought Alex would be one to follow it. ¡°I¡¯m-I¡¯m going back to the campsite. You coming?¡±


    I look down at the crumpled flowers I¡¯m sitting on and back at Alex. I shake my head. Alex leaves without saying anything else.


    This shit always fucking happens.


    It happened with Andrew when he took me to the rave. I wanted it back then too, but Andrew told me later that I was too young. It happened a year later when my friend Leo was mad he couldn¡¯t get girls. I offered and he was into it for a while until he realized that he wanted to lose his virginity by his power. Then there was Cody. Fuck. I tried so hard with him. I thought when Emily moved away everything would be easier but Cody only saw me as a sister. I tried again with Killian, a guy who moved away, then Peter.


    I was so fucking frustrated that I even asked Felix. He just laughed over Discord and told me he doesn¡¯t fuck the girl he¡¯s friends with. It¡¯s even harder since he lives in Chicago now.


    Now even Alex rejected me.


    Am I that undesirable? Is my status of Queen just a fluke or a sick joke everyone is pulling? No. I tried to hard to get here. I lost my braces and got contacts. I went through late puberty and got Sara to teach me everything about make-up. I¡¯m fucking hot, so why am I still a virgin?


    How am I going to be ready for college, for everything after?


    Fuck. I fucking hate myself.


    -


    I ran home crying my eyes out. Mom¡¯s not home but Sara is. I run-up to her room and wrap myself around her, unable to control my tears.


    ¡°Whoa, did something happen at the campsite?¡± Sara rubs her hands on my back.


    ¡°Why are boys so stupid!¡±


    Sara gets some distance between us and looks me in the eyes? ¡°What happened?!¡±


    ¡°It¡¯s that stupid bro-code they have. Y¡¯know? Alex didn¡¯t want to be with me because he thinks I was with Peter first.¡±


    Sara tries to hide her laugh but fails. I can¡¯t admit that it¡¯s funny how I said it. ¡°Oh, that. Grace, what did you want to happen?¡±


    ¡°To get with Alex. I finally got to courage to make my mood and he rejected me because of that stupid bullshit code. They¡¯re so stupid! Stupid!¡±


    Sara¡¯s warm smile calms me down a bit. It¡¯s nice having her back for the summer. I missed her. ¡°Don¡¯t you think you¡¯re rushing things?¡± She says getting a napkin to wipe away my tears. She wipes away my mascara with it too.


    ¡°I¡¯m 18, Sara.¡±


    ¡°It¡¯ll happen when it happens, Gracie. Don¡¯t force it.¡±


    ¡°Yeah,¡± I snort. ¡°With the number of times I¡¯ve tried, it¡¯s some sick cosmic joke.¡±


    ¡°Or maybe it¡¯s just not time,¡± Sara giggles.


    ¡°Guys are jerks.¡±


    ¡°Mhmm,¡± Sara hugs me again. It stops my tears completely. ¡°Try being gay, you¡¯ll find out girls are too.¡±


    ¡°Maybe during college,¡± I laugh.


    ¡°That¡¯s better,¡± Sara smiles shines through. ¡°Just don¡¯t go through that goth-punk phase I went through.¡±


    It¡¯s been years since Sara dressed like that. It¡¯s how I met her, but now she lets her naturally brown hair run free. Today it¡¯s pulled back into a ponytail with her a few of her bangs lose. Even when she¡¯s not trying, she¡¯s still prettier than me. I¡¯m jealous. ¡°I liked that look.¡±


    ¡°Until it was not,¡± Sara laughs. ¡°Do you feel better?¡±


    I nod and wipe my eyes again with the napkin Sara gave me. ¡°Yeah, yeah. Thanks. I¡¯m just frustrated you know?


    Sara nods and rubs my back. ¡°I¡¯m always here for you, Lil¡¯ sis.¡±


    Sister. I always wanted a sister. Sara is as close as I¡¯ll ever get but I wouldn¡¯t trade her for any other. I¡¯m still baffled on how things turned out. Moving into this town I never imagined I would be moving out with one. It¡¯s just one of those blessings I¡¯ll always be thankful for.


    ¡°Thanks, I¡¯ll always appreciate it.¡±


    Sara gets up from the bed and walks over to her desk. ¡°Look what I got,¡± she says holding up a folded up paper.


    She hands it to me and when I open it up I immediately recognize it¡¯s Andrew¡¯s. ¡°When did you get this?¡±


    ¡°Today, after I got home.¡±


    I read over the letter once more. He¡¯s coming home, the bastard is finally coming home after he disappeared on us two years ago. Andrew lived with us for about a year until he fessed up about what he did to me the night of the rave. Mom was so pissed she kicked him out. She didn¡¯t mean forever, but Andrew was planning on leaving anyway so he took his chance. It wasn¡¯t until last year where we learned where he went, New York. He goes to school there, apparently got some sort scholarship too that Mom helped out with. Mom knew where Andrew was the entire time, but never told us. She said it was what he wanted, whatever that meant.


    But now he¡¯s back and he¡¯s bringing his mysterious girlfriend. Girlfriend, yeah right, like there¡¯s a girl who can keep Andrew on a leash.


    ¡°The bastard doesn¡¯t say when, though.¡±


    Sara giggles, snatching the paper away. ¡°I¡¯m glad he¡¯s doing well. I can finally fuck his shit up for leaving me alone when I needed him the most, the dick.¡±


    I laugh, wiping away the rest of the moisture of my face. ¡°You better give him a good one.¡±


    Sara¡¯s eyes flare-up, ¡°Oh, I will.¡±


    ¡°Maybe he¡¯s already here,¡± I say, remembering earlier at the diner when Cody decided to join us. He sat down next to Liz and looked over the entrance and I saw a body move away. When I asked who that was, Cody just shrugged it off. Maybe he was talking to Andrew.


    Sara sighs and jumps on top of her bed. His arm accidentally hits mine, ¡°Then he¡¯s a bastard for not showing up.¡± Sara pulls out her phone and starts to browse whatever. I do the same. This is what we do when we have nothing else to do. All of a sudden, my problems don¡¯t seem so bad anymore. It¡¯s Sara¡¯s superpower, she can do that.


    Still, Liz is texting all about what happened this afternoon. Ren is trying to start a rumor about how I jumped on Alex but no one believes her. Even Alex is denying we did anything. Fuck, I¡¯m am going to go to college a virgin. I want a line.


    I text Alex about what happened tonight. I want him to know that I¡¯m still a virgin. Damn, I sound so desperate. I promised myself I would never be like this. I hate being weak. The mask I wear allows me to hold power but now it¡¯s cracking. I¡¯m cracking by my pressure. How can I face the world where there are so many things I haven¡¯t done.


    I look over at Sara. She looks over at me and smiles. I wonder how she does it. She¡¯s been through hell and back and she still stands with a smile that never wavers. Sara is my hero. She¡¯s the strongest person I know.


    I miss the old crew when I was just a kid. When we hung out at Emily¡¯s, that was the most fun time I¡¯ve ever had. I miss Emily, I wish she didn¡¯t cut out everything from Darkwood from her life. But who can blame her? Bad things only happen to her here.


    I miss Andrew. He calmed down after he started living with us. He was a good shoulder to rely on even though he would never admit to like it. There has been a weird silence ever since he left.


    I miss Chris. I know he¡¯s been back but he never leaves his room. I could listen to him talk for hours, everything he said was so fascinating. He had a funny way of living life.


    I miss Cody. He lives in Seattle now so he¡¯s not around as much as I would like. He signed a record deal with some big company and does rap shows around the country sometimes. Cody was my first crush, now I have learned to live with it. Besides Liz, I consider Cody my best friend. He always has some sort of advice for me.


    I miss Elizabeth. I took her place. A lot of people tell me I look like her. A lot of people tell me I¡¯m just like her, minus the bitchesness. Sometimes it feels like she watches over me because she feels bad she killed herself two feet away from me. I wish I could have known her.


    But I know, I know. The dead don¡¯t speak.


    They¡¯re too busy screaming.

 Chapter 31: Down and Out

    Emily V


    I¡¯m still thinking about the freakout Chris had at the cemetery. He thought I wasn¡¯t real. It saddens me, he still not well. His mom thanked me for bringing him home. It¡¯s the first time I have ever seen her. She¡¯s so young, doesn¡¯t look a day over 40.


    Still, I shouldn¡¯t have come back to Darkwood. I thought it would be okay just to say hi to Dad but I ended up visiting Elizabeth after. I just wondered if she¡¯s still remembered. She¡¯s slowly being forgotten, but I¡¯m glad there¡¯s still a fresh new rose.


    I¡¯m staying in Capitol Hill at an AirBnB apartment next to Miller¡¯s Park. Soran and I are only here until 4 days and I would rather not stay in Darkwood. My cousin, Sam is getting married and seeing I¡¯m one of her bridesmaids, I don¡¯t have a choice. It¡¯s not that I didn¡¯t want to come back, but there¡¯s nothing good in Darkwood for me anymore. My old friends, Sara, Grace, and Isaac, might be worth it but it¡¯ll only bring me harm. Ever since I left everything behind, ever since I left Cody behind, it¡¯s been better. Now that I¡¯m back in Washington, the wound near my heart starts to ache.


    I was just a centimeter away from dying, a centimeter.


    Soran holds my hand to calm me down. It¡¯s been three years since the last panic attack. Every time I even come close to getting one, Soran is there to calm me down like he is now. ¡°We should buy a bit a food so we don¡¯t have to eat out all the time,¡± he says getting up from the couch.


    I nod and turn off the TV. There was a news report that there might be a revival of the Seattle drug trafficking that ended three years ago. There are signs but nothing is concrete. It makes sense, Lyle was never caught. He¡¯s partly why I¡¯m afraid of being back.


    ¡°There¡¯s a Safeway down the street, wanna go there?¡±


    ¡°Yeah,¡± Soran answers putting on his coat. ¡°Don¡¯t forget yours, it might rain.¡±


    I get up from the Sofa, grab my purse and coat and follow Soran out the door. The walk to Safeway isn¡¯t long. Between the two of us, getting a few bags of groceries wouldn''t be a problem. Soran and I hold hands and I look up at him. He looks down and gives me that winner¡¯s smile. His lips taste of Manakeesh, tasteful.


    The sunset is beautiful but hidden by the heavy clouds rolling in. The news is predicting a three-day rainstorm.


    On the corner of Madison and Denny Way, the Safeway becomes visible. ¡°Cool, they have a Starbucks,¡± Soran comments. There¡¯s something off when we enter the store. I can¡¯t quite place my finger on it but we carry on. ¡°Do you want to get started? I¡¯m gonna order a drink, you want anything?¡±


    I shake my head, smile and let his hand go. I watch him walk over to the Starbucks that''s inside. I¡¯m so damn lucky to have him. Who knows where I would be if he wasn¡¯t there waiting for me in New York when I almost died. I might have given up, and died. But no, I fought it.


    I grab a gallon of milk and a carton of a dozen eggs before my ears start to ring.


    All I remember was trying so hard to cling on to my own body. I swear my soul was trying to leave but I wouldn¡¯t let it. It¡¯s a similar feeling I had when I almost died of sickness when I was ten. Back then, Cody was the one who helped me cling on. This time, there were two. I could have easily stayed in Darkwood, but I made a choice. When I woke up, my mind was set on leaving. It was Soran¡¯s voice that ultimately reached me.


    I grab a bag of hashbrowns and push the cart down the dairy aisle. That¡¯s when I see him. Cody, he¡¯s in the pasta aisle. Cody. He¡¯s here. Why is he here? Is this fate? A mere coincidence? Out of all the places and time, did the world bring us back together like this? Does he know I¡¯m here? This is insane. Do I ignore him? Do I talk to him? I don¡¯t know what to do, I don¡¯t know what to do.


    I freeze.


    Cody is staring intensely at a blue box. He puts it back and walks down the aisle without noticing me. Cody turns the corner and disappears. I unfreeze and find him staring again at bread. He¡¯s in deep thought like he always seems to be. It¡¯s about me, I just know it is. There isn¡¯t a way where I can get out of here without being seen. I have to face my demons.


    I walk up behind him and, ¡°Bread makes you fat.¡±


    My words shook his spine and he freezes. He turns around slowly and says, ¡°Excuse me?¡± unsure if it¡¯s is me. His eyes light up the second he realizes I¡¯m actually here. He glances up and down real quick and meets my eyes. My heart is pounding.


    I don¡¯t know what to do, I¡¯m too nervous. I grab a loaf of whole wheat and replace the ones he has in his cart. ¡°Bread makes you fat.¡±


    ¡°Emily¡­¡±


    ¡°Hi, Cody.¡±


    It¡¯s awkward. Awkward like an embarrassing secret came out that shouldn¡¯t.


    ¡°What are you doing here?¡± He finally breaks the silence.


    ¡°I¡¯m here for Sam¡¯s wedding.¡±


    ¡°Oh right, I heard she¡¯s getting married. I got invited but I¡¯m not going, wouldn¡¯t be right.¡±Stolen content warning: this tale belongs on Royal Road. Report any occurrences elsewhere.


    Of course, Sam would invite him. He¡¯s her favorite. ¡°Yeah¡­I heard you''re making it as a rapper, I¡¯m proud.¡± I always knew he has it in him but it seriously came out of nowhere. He¡¯s signed to this big label that houses Emmah Melody Ryan yet Cody plays for small venues almost exclusively. He¡¯s never been one to chase fame.


    ¡°Yeah, Yeah, it¡¯s good,¡± Cody pauses to gulp down. He¡¯s nervous too. This was a mistake, I should have just taken my chances and try to avoid him. ¡°I¡¯m playing a show tomorrow night.¡±


    ¡°Yeah I know,¡± I laugh nervously. ¡°Jerrica is going with Soran. They¡¯re trying to get me to go.¡±


    ¡°You should go.¡±


    ¡°Do you think it¡¯s a good idea?¡±


    Of course, it isn¡¯t. We¡¯re not friends anymore. I haven¡¯t talked to him since the moment I got shot. I broke up our friendship. Cody just isn¡¯t healthy for me anymore, I had to getaway. Yet I¡¯m here with him now.


    ¡°Of course not,¡± he laughs.


    ¡°Did you ever ended dating Grace? You two were cute together.¡± Part of the cleanse was deleting all of my social media and starting over again. I don¡¯t know a thing about what''s been going on.


    ¡°No. I mean, she tried but I had to let her know I just wasn¡¯t into it, y¡¯ know? We¡¯re still friends though.¡±


    ¡°Oh,¡± I pause. I wonder if he moved on. He hasn¡¯t rapped about me or anything. It¡¯s like I don¡¯t exist in his songs. ¡°How is everyone.¡±


    ¡°Do you care?¡± He says a bit irritated. He¡¯s mad that I''m here, isn¡¯t he?


    I force myself to laugh, I think it comes outright. ¡°I guess I don¡¯t have a right to know anymore,¡± I look down and Cody is fidgeting with his cart¡¯s handle. ¡°It¡¯s just...being here brings up the past too much.¡±


    ¡°So why come back?¡±


    ¡°Emily, this is where you been,¡± Soran says behind me. Oh, thank God I¡¯m saved. ¡°Who¡¯s your friend?¡±


    I turn around and greet him with a smile. ¡°Oh, Soran! This is Cody, you know about him.¡±


    Oh! It¡¯s a pleasure to meet you,¡± Soran extends his hand. ¡°I¡¯m Soran Sergeyevich, Emily told me great things about you.¡±


    ¡°No, the pleasure¡¯s all mine,¡± Cody takes his hand and smiles. ¡°Soran, is this your first time in Seattle? How¡¯s the weather treating you?


    ¡°Not so different from New York so far, thank you.¡±


    Man, this small talk is killing me. ¡°How long are you guys staying?¡±


    ¡°It¡¯s just this weekend. We leave on Monday,¡± I say as Soran takes hold of my hand. I¡¯m safe here, I can get through this. ¡°I was hoping I could see everyone at least once before I left. That¡¯s why I asked how was everyone. Is Sara still living at Grace¡¯s?¡±


    ¡°Actually, Andrew lived with them for a while but left after a year. Who knows what he''s doing. Sara goes to college in LA now, but she¡¯s back for the summer.¡±


    Oh, Andrew, I almost forgot. ¡°Did you know-¡±


    ¡°Listen, Emily, it¡¯s been great and all but I have to go. I have to go prepare for my show,¡± Cody cuts me off. He¡¯s so irritated, this was a mistake for sure, but I knew I had to do this at one point. ¡°It was nice meeting you, Soran,¡± Cody says before he takes his leave.


    I sigh and turn to Soran. ¡°Come on, we still have to pick up a few more things.


    Soran laughs, ¡°What was that?¡±


    ¡°Hmm?¡±


    ¡°You practically was stuttering the whole time. Was it that bad? He seems like a nice fellow.¡±


    Did I really? I didn¡¯t notice. ¡°Well, it¡¯s over now.¡±


    -


    I watch as the drizzle slowly begins to dance on against the window of this one-bedroom studio apartment. All I can think of now is Cody. Why did he have to be there out of all places? At least it¡¯s done and over. We don¡¯t have to be friends anymore, once this weekend is over I never have to come back.


    ¡°Ems Sweets, the food¡¯s ready,¡± Soran snaps me out of it. He has a plate of delicious shawarma. He knows it¡¯s my favorite and only cooks it when I¡¯m in a mood. It calms me down.


    I grab it off his hands. ¡°Thanks, Moi Horoshiy¡±


    Soran smiles and giggles. He loves whenever I tell him that. It¡¯s been a weird and wonderful three years of getting to learn the Persian Russian culture. Soran has only taught me a bit of Russian and tried to teach me Farsi but it¡¯s too complicated. ¡°Eat up, Khroska, you haven¡¯t been eating again.¡±


    ¡°Right, right,¡± I giggle, taking a bite of the shawarma.¡±


    ¡°How are you feeling? Have you gotten better?¡±


    I look at my beautiful boy and smile. I still don¡¯t feel the best, by I can move. It¡¯s a struggle to get things done and move around but I¡¯ve lived with CFS my entire life to power through it. I look down at my body and feel bad. I¡¯ve lost most of the weight I¡¯ve gained over the past three years. I¡¯m now back to being borderline underweight. ¡°It¡¯s been getting better,¡± I tell him.


    ¡°That¡¯s excellent,¡± He says as soon as my phone starts ringing. It¡¯s Jerrica, she said she would call when she¡¯s twenty minutes away from landing. ¡°May I?¡± Soran asks and I nod. ¡°Jerrica, I take it you¡¯re close to landing?¡± he asks. I can hear my sister on the other line, she sounds annoyed. ¡°Ah, that figures. He can be like that. We got a rental car, we can come pick you guys up.¡± I take another bite of the shawarma and my appetite disappears. ¡°Right, see you soon,¡± Soran hangs up and turns to me. ¡°Feeling up to go pick them up?¡±


    I shake my head, ¡°I see her enough already,¡± I giggle. ¡°Drive safe,¡± I kiss him before he gets up.


    ¡°I¡¯ll be back soon.¡±


    Once Soran leaves, I take another bite and throw away the shawarma. I take the trash bag and take it to toss it outside in the dumpster. The light rain feels nice on my skin. I look above to the sky. The clouds haven¡¯t fully engulfed the world in darkness and I can see the moon. It¡¯s almost a full moon.


    Why does it feel like the world is going to end?


    Why does it feel like something other than a wedding is bringing me here? There was all this talk of destiny and fate. If I¡¯m here by my own free will, why does it feel like it¡¯s just an illusion? Chris kept talking about how life is just an illusion and we have no say. He freaked out, saying he¡¯s just a fish, a fish like the rest of humanity. I wonder if he¡¯s doing okay now.


    Shit.


    Lyle words keep coming back to me. I swear I have seen him before. He¡¯s the shadow that looms over all of us. ¡°Destiny isn¡¯t finished with us yet, there will be a day where we will all understand each other.¡± Those were his last words I can remember before passing out.


    POP!


    My heart jumps and I¡¯m immediately on the floor. My heart is pounding. There¡¯s a gunshot and I feel that dread, that panic, and that hopelessness coming back. I look up, struggling to breathe and realize it came for an old motorcycle that¡¯s muffler popped. My heart is trying to rip itself out of my body. I¡¯m panicking. Where¡¯s Soran? Where¡¯s Soran?


    I¡¯m scared to be back here.

 Chapter 32: In the Bold Emerald City of the West

    Cody VI


    I stare at the new treehouse. It needs about one more day of work to finish but it¡¯s better to wait; I¡¯m in no rush.


    ¡°Can¡¯t believe Dad pulled through with this design,¡± My brother says next to me. ¡°It¡¯s good.¡±


    ¡°Really good, are you sure you don¡¯t want to finish?¡± Sara asks as she climbs down. ¡° It¡¯s just one side of the ceiling, not that hard.¡±


    ¡°Somethings are worth the wait,¡± I say.


    When I was eight I asked my dad to build a treehouse because Emily and I really wanted one. For the entire summer, it was us three building a small little house. Back then Dad was just starting getting into architecture and didn¡¯t design it well. It would always fall down no matter how many times we tried. One day while Emily was getting tools for my dad, she tried to rush climbing the tree but tripped and fell. Without thinking I jumped off to see if she was okay. I broke my foot while Emily escaped unharmed. I expected her to be hurt as she has a weak body. The treehouse was finished a week later.


    Hmph, wouldn¡¯t it be crazy if I need to break my foot again to finish the wall? I seem to lack the willpower. At least I don¡¯t think about Emily much anymore.


    After I drop Sara and Travis back to their homes, I go to mine; a studio apartment in downtown Seattle. It¡¯s not much but a bed is all I need. Well, a bed would be everything I would need if my fridge was stocked up on food. I don¡¯t see how I run out of food so fast. I don¡¯t even eat much.


    I have no choice but to use half of what I earned on yesterday¡¯s show to feed myself. At the store, it¡¯s always the same: chicken breasts, a box of Trix cereal, a gallon of milk, rice, some bread, and a few apples and even fewer bananas, beef, and all the other food that barely fits the description of food.


    If I could go back in time and stay a child I would. Living alone is much harder than anyone said it would be. Rent always comes first and when that¡¯s paid off, all the money goes to food then bills. I go at least a week without cell phone service every two months. Talk about being a starving artist. At least I make enough to not have a real job. That is the American Dream right there. I¡¯m an artist under the Young Records label and I¡¯m struggling to make end meets.


    I should stop sending all my money into savings.


    The supermarket is relatively empty. I guess people don¡¯t do that much shopping on Fridays. I grab what the essentials first, then head to the back of the store to get the last of what I need.


    ¡°Bread makes you fat,¡± A familiar voice says behind me. It shocks my spine, freezing me in place. It¡¯s been three years. She had cut us off completely because she couldn¡¯t take this town anymore. Now she¡¯s back. It¡¯s her, it has to be her. Fuck, why now?


    ¡°Excuse me?¡± I say turning around.


    Her hair is back to its original length. It¡¯s as if she¡¯s in Senior Year again, but this time it¡¯s in her natural hair color. Emily doesn¡¯t hide her freckles on her face anymore. Her eyes have bags under her eyes and she¡¯s much skinnier since the last time I saw her.


    She¡¯s recently been attacked by her sickness. It happens every once in a couple of years for a couple of weeks. Chronic Fatigue Syndrome; it gives her anorexia, ceases her physical activity and gives her insomnia. All of this causes her to lose all the weight she tries hard to gain.


    Yet she¡¯s still beautiful. A ghost of a woman that shouldn¡¯t even be alive.


    ¡°Bread makes you fat,¡± She repeats herself, grabbing whole wheat bread and replaces the ones I have in my cart.


    Why is she here? Emily hates me. Why is she talking to me?


    ¡°Emily¡­¡±


    ¡°Hi Cody,¡± she says softly.


    I stay silent for a second. Part of me thinks this isn¡¯t weird. ¡°What are you doing here?¡±


    ¡°I¡¯m here for the week for Sam¡¯s Wedding.¡±


    ¡°Oh right, I heard she¡¯s getting married. I got invited but I¡¯m not going, wouldn¡¯t be right.¡±


    ¡°Yeah¡­¡± This is awkward for her too. Good. ¡°I heard you¡¯re making it as a rapper. I¡¯m proud.¡±


    ¡°Yeah, it¡¯s pretty good. I¡¯m playing a show tonight.¡±


    Emily still dresses however she wants. The overalls are new but they look good. Her sweaters, hat, and bandanna are all gone. However, everything she''s wearing is designer clothes. Right she lives in the upper east. This isn¡¯t the Emily I used to know. ¡°Yeah, I know. Jerrica is going with Soran. They¡¯re trying to get me to go.¡± She laughs nervously. Three years doesn¡¯t make everything disappear. I can still read her like a children¡¯s book.


    Soran. That was Emily¡¯s boyfriend three years ago. They¡¯re still together then. I¡¯ve seen him in commercials and magazines. He¡¯s good to her, he can give her everything I can¡¯t. I¡¯m just a failure, I couldn¡¯t keep a simple promise. We were supposed to be married this year.


    ¡°You should go.¡±


    ¡°Do you think that¡¯s a good idea?¡±


    Of course not. You broke my heart. No, I¡¯m sorry. It¡¯s my fault for everything that happened to you. You were right to disappear from our lives. I¡¯m the type of person who ruins them. I almost ruined yours.


    ¡°Of course now,¡± I laugh.


    She giggles, taking a step back. ¡°Did you ever ended dating Grace? You two were cute together.¡±Enjoying the story? Show your support by reading it on the official site.


    ¡°No. I mean, she tried but I had to let her know I just wasn¡¯t into it, y¡¯ know? We¡¯re still friends though.¡± Gently, unlike you. Why are you talking to me? Do you really miss me? I don¡¯t. I know it¡¯s bad, but Grace replaced you. Hell, even Sara is a better friend than you ever were.


    ¡°Oh,¡± she pauses like she¡¯s disappointed. ¡°How is everyone?¡±


    ¡°Do you care?¡± I say a bit irritated. She has some balls talking to me like nothing happened. I know she¡¯s just trying to get this over with. If she¡¯s here that we would have run into each other eventually. She¡¯s saying she¡¯s okay with us never seeing each other again.


    Emily forces a laugh. ¡°I guess I don¡¯t have a right to anymore.¡± She crosses her hands in front of her chest. ¡°It¡¯s just...being here brings up the past too much.¡±


    ¡°So why come back?¡±


    Before Emily can respond, her boyfriend comes up from behind. His face is instantly recognizable from the commercials I¡¯ve seen. I get it. In my mind, I¡¯m paranoid that she¡¯s doing this all purposely just to gloat she¡¯s doing fine without me. It¡¯s not paranoia if I¡¯m right.


    ¡°Emily, this is where you¡¯ve been,¡± He says as Emily turns her body to the side, creating some space between me and Soran. ¡°Who is your friend?¡± Soran''s voice is deep but friendly. No wonder Emily likes the guy.


    ¡°Oh, Soran!¡± Emily¡¯s tone completely changes to excitement. ¡°This is Cody, you know about him.¡±


    ¡°Oh! It¡¯s a pleasure to meet you,¡± Soran extends his hand. ¡°I¡¯m Soran Sergeiveic, Emily told me great things about you.¡±


    ¡°No, pleasure¡¯s all mine.¡± I accept his handshake begrudgingly. I guess I have to take that to face value. Still, having Emily in front of me like this, it¡¯s disgusting. ¡°Soran, is this your first time in Seattle? How¡¯s the weather treating you?¡±


    ¡°Not so different from New York so far, thank you.¡±


    Man, this small talk is killing me. ¡°How long are you guys staying?¡±


    ¡°It¡¯s just this weekend. We leave on Monday,¡± Emily says as Soran takes hold of her hand. ¡°I was hoping I could see everyone at least once before I left. That¡¯s why I asked how was everyone. Is Sara still living at Grace¡¯s?¡±


    ¡°Andrew lived with them for a while but left after a year. Who knows what he''s doing. Sara goes to college in LA now, but she¡¯s back for the summer.¡±


    ¡°Did you know-¡± I can¡¯t take this anymore. I have to leave. It¡¯s better if we don¡¯t see each other. Whatever she¡¯s trying to do, she got what she wanted. There¡¯s no reason to continue this any longer.


    ¡°Listen, Emily, it¡¯s been great and all but I have to go. I have to go prepare for my show. It was nice meeting you, Soran.¡± I cut her off before I can get a read on Emily. I hear a goodbye and then some mumbled words as her voice fades away.


    -


    Three years.


    It took a year and a half to forget about her.  In that time I got signed to accomplish my dream. I have fans, and outlets and friends I can depend on. I¡¯m an outlier, people like me aren¡¯t supposed to be this successful. Everything in my life was coming together nicely. Dad retired from the DEA after arresting half of Lyle¡¯s operation and shattering it. He and Mom spend a lot of time traveling now. Travis graduated from college and took a job in Seattle. Grace has just graduated from High School and transformed herself to be strong. Sara is still in college but comes to town from time to time. She started a youtube channel for her acoustic music. One of her songs has half a million views. She plays in my shows whenever she¡¯s in town. Chris is still recovering at home. I visit him from time to time. He hardly ever talks to me, so we just spend the time playing video games like the old days.


    Life has been good.


    Then Emily has to come back. I knew she was coming for the wedding, but I never thought I would run into her. Seattle¡¯s a big place.


    Now she¡¯s the only thing on my mind while I drive back to Darkwood.


    It¡¯s drizzling by the time I arrive at the treehouse. Like hell, I¡¯m going to leave it unfinished. It¡¯s just a damn part of the ceiling that needs to be finished. I get the planks and the tools and climb up above the ceiling.


    Fuck, I¡¯m pissed. I¡¯m hammering harder than usual and it makes a dent on a wood. I take a deep breath and slow down.


    An hour later, I¡¯m a little bit soaked but the treehouse is finished. All that¡¯s left is to decorate it and it¡¯ll be a good place for someone to claim it as theirs. I don¡¯t need this place anymore. I climb down and take a blunt so I can relax a bit.


    ¡°Shit looks really nice,¡± Someone from below says. It¡¯s hard to find this place in the dark, it¡¯s someone who knows their way around.


    I look down but I can¡¯t even see a silhouette. I¡¯m forced to climb down.


    ¡°You know, when I heard that you¡¯re rebuilding it, I didn¡¯t think it would look so different,¡± he says. His voice is familiar.


    ¡°And you are?¡±


    The man scoffs as I climb down the steps. The scoff gives it away. ¡°I¡¯ve been gone for two years and you forget me already, huh?¡± Andrew chuckles.


    ¡°What are you doing here?¡± I fist-bump his already extended fist. We made up after Emily got shot, but we never really become friends again. I kind of disappeared for that year. There was a time about two years ago where I helped him out with something. I wonder if he ever did it.


    ¡°Checking it out, didn¡¯t think you¡¯d be here.¡±


    ¡°Where¡¯d you been? Last I heard you were in New York.¡±


    ¡°Well, yeah, I guess. School keeps me busy, can¡¯t always be in contact. You shit¡¯s blowing up though, fucking fire!¡± Andrew laughs.


    It brings a smile to my face. ¡°Thanks. Have you seen Sara yet? She texted telling me she got a letter from you.¡±


    Andrew¡¯s laugh hasn¡¯t changed. ¡°Don¡¯t tell her, don¡¯t tell her. I have a surprise for her tomorrow. Shit¡¯s wild, yo.¡±


    ¡°Sure.¡±


    ¡°Shit man, lots of shit changed. The gang¡¯s all in town, maybe we should throw some shit and get wild. Maybe after your show, make a big o¡¯ after party.¡±


    I chuckle, ¡°Thanks, but I don¡¯t drink anymore. Besides, I don¡¯t think Sara would be down.¡±


    Andrew groans, ¡°Psh, yeah, you''re right.¡±


    Andrew, he seems a lot calmer. His reckless aura must have faded away. These past few years have been good to him. I wonder what happened. ¡°You coming?¡±


    ¡°Of course, mate. Where else am I gonna show everyone my surprise?¡±


    ¡°What¡¯s your surprise?¡±


    ¡°Shh,¡± Andrew places his finger over his mouth. ¡°Secret.¡±


    I laugh and push his shoulder, ¡°You asshole, always with your games.¡±


    Andrew grins, ¡°You know it.¡±


    ¡°How come you¡¯re back though?¡±


    Andrew kicks the ground and dirt goes everywhere, including my shoes. ¡°Family reunion, that and I finally got some free time. Really want to know how my sisters are doing.¡±


    I laugh, ¡°Sisters? You and Grace, siblings?¡±


    Andrew shrugs, ¡°I lived with her for a year, so? Also curious how she is now. I bet you grew to be a hottie.¡±


    ¡°Hmm,¡± I cross my arms then uncross them again. ¡°Weird thing to say if she¡¯s your sister.¡±


    ¡°Fuckin¡¯, Codes,¡± Andrew chuckles. ¡°I miss ya man.¡±


    We fist bump again. Everyone is back in town. I already think about all the unfinished stories that are about to play out. Freyja is back, she¡¯ll throw a wrench in Sara¡¯s life. Emily is back, she¡¯s throwing one at mine. Now even Andrew¡¯s back to throw a whole tractor in our lives.


    I get a weird feeling in my gut. Things seem like they''re coming together for a reason. No, there¡¯s no such thing as fate and it¡¯s all pure coincidence. We all live here so it¡¯s bound to happen that at one point in time, we¡¯ll all be here at once. Life has been quiet, so why does it feel like things are about to heat up?


    I can¡¯t stop thinking about Emily.


    Shit. I want her back.

 Chapter 33: When the Partys Over

    Sara V


    July 15, 2016


    I still think about all the things I¡¯ve discovered over the past three years. Most of them have been good, few have been painful. I¡¯m much better than I was back then, but nothing is ever easy. Facing things that I hid away was the hardest thing I ever managed to do. Moving on, it¡¯s the best thing we could do.


    For the longest time, I thought my mother was sweet and kind. It¡¯s the lie I was able to tell myself to hide away from the abuse from my father.  It was a lot easier to pretend I had one good parent than two bad ones. I still think about it, how she would hurt me because I would do badly in school. She made fun of me, called me ugly and would like to pinch me. The only time she ever left me alone was when I fetched her a pack of cigarettes. I always kept one on me just so she wouldn¡¯t hurt me.


    The night of her suicide. I found her alive, bleeding out, but alive. She was crying with blood turning the water a sickly shade of pink, then red. I watched her. I could have called my brother, I could have called 911. I let her die. It still hurt to think about it. Maybe if she was a bit kinder, I would not have had that hatred of her. I would save her today if I had that chance. I would because I understand now. My depression comes genetically from her side of the family. She was suffering and nobody was helping her. It still haunts me.


    I was lucky to get the help I needed when I did.


    And I still think about how my brother left us over the summer of 2014. He disappeared for a year without contact. He left me at one of my lowest points in life. Of course, he apologized for it later, said he had his reason and knew I was strong enough without him. I¡¯m still mad he left days after Freyja broke up with me.


    Now he¡¯s back from New York and I¡¯m anxious to see him.


    I scroll through the photos on my phone. It¡¯s nothing but memes and photos I took of Freyja. It was easy being with her until her parents gave her an ultimatum. It was either her family or me. She chose her beliefs and it broke me. Andrew left and I had nothing to help me stand, but I stood. Cody and I shared a class in community college. He helped me get together with Freyja and we¡¯ve been close friends ever since.


    Tonight is the first time I¡¯m playing with him ever since I got popular on Youtube.


    I wonder how Freyja is doing. I wish we stayed in touch but being so far apart and with school piled on, it made us so distant. I still wear the necklace we both got together when we went to that concert. I hope she still wears her. But that¡¯s all behind me. I¡¯ve just finished my first year at the New York Film Academy. The Los Angeles campus has been perfect for me. I never get tired of the sun. Although coming back home to Darkwood isn¡¯t bad either. It¡¯s sometimes nice to smell the rain.


    I look at the clock on the side of my bed as I get ready for the day. It¡¯s already five in the afternoon. I get my guitar out of my closest and knock on Grace¡¯s door. ¡°It¡¯s time, come on!¡± I yell.


    Grace opens the door immediately. It still baffles me on how different she looks now. She changed so much during her Senior and Junior years. I almost didn¡¯t recognize her when I came back home. She¡¯s now my height and probably has a better understanding of facial aesthetics than me. God, she¡¯s pretty.


    ¡°Isn¡¯t it a bit early?¡± she asks adjusting her bra.


    ¡°I want to hit up the record store before we get there. Is that okay?¡±


    ¡°Yeah, sure.¡±


    On the drive to the record store located on 9th and Pine, Cody calls. He¡¯s wondering when I¡¯m going to arrive at the Venue.


    It¡¯s a twist of fate how close I am to Cody now. We didn¡¯t talk at all until we started going to community college together. He took a year off so we ended up in the same year. I busted my ass to get an associate¡¯s that year. But I still managed to have time to hang out with Cody and his new friends. They¡¯re all musicians and they convinced me to join them in their set.


    It¡¯s soothing and relaxing to play. By no means am I the greatest at it but recently I¡¯ve been learning how to write my chords. Over the summers I¡¯ve been playing acoustic guitar for Cody at his shows. They¡¯re never big or anything serious, it¡¯s just five people messing around on stage. Cody always cracks jokes with the audience and they seem to love them.


    However, they¡¯re always sold out. His fan page already has 150,000 likes. Nowhere massive, but large enough to get him noticed. Fame never really suited him as it doesn¡¯t suit me. We¡¯re still a bunch of kids having fun on stage together.


    Grace waits outside the store to smoke her weed. I look around for Chris Isaak¡¯s ¡®Heart-Shaped World¡¯ on its vinyl. It¡¯s a rare one to find nowadays. Good thing I called ahead to see how many they had in stock.


    As I pay for the album, I look at the cashier who looks a bit like my brother. The only difference is that this guy is shorter and his hair color is all wrong, but they are similar. It just reminds me of Andrew. I¡¯ll see him soon, I know it.


    ¡°God it¡¯s gonna rain all weekend,¡± Grace says as I walk out the store. She¡¯s holding her hand out to feel the light rain. ¡°Fucking bullshit.¡±


    ¡°Do you have any plans?¡±


    She shakes her head, ¡°Besides tonight? No.¡±


    I giggle, ¡°Then why are you complaining?¡±


    ¡°What if something comes up? You never know. What if I meet Kanye?¡±


    Grace gets inside the car before I do and packs a bowl into her pipe. ¡° You¡¯re not meeting Kanye.¡±


    ¡°You met Emmah, a girl can dream, Sis.¡±


    Driving past the streets of Seattle, the sun starts to set. At a red light, a guy is laying down to my left staring at me. He imitates a gun in his hand and shoots himself, imitating the sound and everything. On the opposite side of the street, my right, I see another man peek his head and arms inside a car window. He gets out fast and notices me, he shakes his head. This city is always like this. With the weirdos and homeless. Grace notices it too. This text was taken from Royal Road. Help the author by reading the original version there.


    ¡°Way to be more obvious,¡± she chuckles. ¡°Hey check this out, Sara.¡± Grace hands me her phone where it¡¯s a meme. This one is about Taylor Swift and her tannie haircut captioned ¡®the can I speak to your manager look¡¯. I fake small laughter, I¡¯ve seen it before. Grace laughs getting her phone back, ¡°That¡¯s so Mom.¡±


    When we arrive, Cody is outside talking to the drummer, Ricky. They greet us and inform us that we¡¯re starting a half-hour earlier. We go inside to get some basic tuning done while Gracie sits down and orders. When the show begins


    I notice the venue is much more packed than usual. I guess they started to let more people in than what¡¯s allowed.


    Ricky beginnings with a hard kick and snare. It is fluid from there. The song is a darker tone so I¡¯m not needed much. It¡¯s one of Cody¡¯s newest ones. He raps about being trapped in a box, but his schemes are so complex it¡¯s hard to put the meaning together.  Most of his songs are like this, except the ones more personal to him. Those are more stories than anything.


    Halfway through our show, I notice Cody is angrier than usual.  During one of my small breaks, I look over to see what he¡¯s staring at. Behind Grace, a woman is leaving with a tall man. I only get to see their backs; I wonder if Cody knows them. The two head to the bar but I can¡¯t make out who they are.


    ¡°This next song will never be in an album,¡± Cody tells the audience. ¡°It¡¯s called Petrichor.¡±


    Petrichor. It¡¯s a song we all practiced but never once have I heard Cody rap it. He said he wrote it three years ago. Ricky signals me because I¡¯m supposed to start it. It¡¯s a slow start with a repeating four notes until Ricky starts the drums and snares.


    The song breaks me to hear it. It¡¯s so sad, he puts so much emotion to it. It¡¯s about Emily, the only song he ever wrote about her. It¡¯s taken him this long to muster up the courage to play it. The song ends and Cody turns away. I look back at the crowd and the girl with the tall man leaves the venue. I get it. Emily¡¯s here.


    The show ends and we all go backstage to wrap up all the equipment. The only thing, Cody disappears. I text him but there¡¯s no response. Grace comes back here and says, ¡°Sara, you¡¯ll never guess who¡¯s here!¡± But I already know.


    ¡°Yeah, it¡¯s-¡±


    ¡°Sara, you have a visitor,¡± Cody interrupts me. He walks in behind Grace and places his hands on her shoulders to move her out of the way. ¡°We¡¯re all going to eat at the restaurant across the street.¡±


    ¡°Cody, it¡¯s an IHOP,¡± Grace explains then giggles.


    ¡°Who?¡±


    ¡°C¡¯mon, wrap up and head outside,¡± Cody takes his leave. ¡°We¡¯ll be waiting. Grace, come.¡±


    ¡°Yeah, yeah!¡±


    I stand still for a moment. If it¡¯s not Emily, then who? Andrew? Andrew¡¯s back and he does love a good show. The bandmates and I clean everything up and dump everything onto the label¡¯s music truck. The bandmates decided to go to an afterparty afterward. I turn the corner of the alley and I see Cody and Grace by the entrance talking to someone. Grace laughs and hugs them. She¡¯s taller than who she hugged so I still can¡¯t see who it is. It¡¯s not Andrew, he¡¯s a 6-foot monster.


    Cody notices me approaches and moves out of the way. Standing between Grace and Cody is a small light blonde girl with an angelic aura. She¡¯s a white tank top with light blue ripped jeans. Her necklace shines on her collarbone and she smiles when she sees me. It¡¯s Freyja. I almost drop my guitar case as I start to run towards him.


    Freyja grins and wraps herself around me, making me drop my case. She still smells like strawberries. I¡¯m at a loss for words and can¡¯t even mutter one. ¡°You okay? It¡¯s been a while, you look good,¡± she says.


    I let her go and take a good look at her beautiful face. I stutter then take a breath. ¡°What are you doing here? Why didn¡¯t you text me?¡±


    ¡°I wanted it to be a surprise,¡± She smiles gently.


    I almost scoff but I hold myself back. I never thought I would see Freyja this soon. All those feelings I had for her, they come flooding back. Her lips are full and need to be kissed. I want to kiss her. ¡°I¡¯m so glad¡­¡±


    ¡°So am I,¡± she pets my cheek with the back of her hand.


    ¡°So...iHop?¡± Cody breaks the awkwardness we must make everyone feel. Freyja and I look at him and nod.


    ¡°You look great,¡± I tell Freyja as we walk across the street. We almost hold hands when we grace them against each other. It would be great if we picked things off where we left off but I¡¯m thinking too optimistic. I have to slow these thoughts down, I¡¯m getting way too excited.


    ¡°I try.¡±


    Cody and Grace stop dead in their tracks as soon as we reach the sidewalk. I look over to what they¡¯re looking at, a group of four. ¡°Sara it¡¯s-¡± I recognize them.


    ¡°Sara fucking Mera!¡± his voice screams. My brother. Andrew starts to sprint down the sidewalk before I can react. ¡°AAAAAAAAH!¡± All of a sudden I¡¯m being tackled and lifted by the strongest of hugs. It hurts.


    It¡¯s like I¡¯m being star-stuck. I can¡¯t speak and I wait until Andrew puts me down. ¡°You¡­¡±


    ¡°Aw, sis. You¡¯re crying,¡± he laughs wiping my tears with his fingers.


    ¡°Ease up man,¡± I hear Cody say.


    ¡°Andrew!¡± Grace hugs my brother.


    ¡°Aw shit, even Jana fucking Kramer is here!¡±


    ¡°It¡¯s Freyja, you dick,¡± Freyja laughs.


    I wipe away the tears as soon as they come but they never stop. I¡¯m overloading on serotonin and dopamine right now, it¡¯s not fair. ¡°You jerk!¡± I yell, punching my brother in the chest.


    ¡°Aw, come here, Sis,¡± Andrew wraps himself around me again, this time much gentler than I remember. ¡°You can¡¯t be that happy to see me.¡±


    ¡°It¡¯s not that, you asshole,¡± my voice comes out with a mixture of crying and laughter. ¡°I hate you,¡± I tell him but he knows I really love him.


    Andrew lets me go again and I notice that the group of people he was with are already here. It¡¯s Emily, Jerrica, and Soran. Why was he with them?


    Emily and Jerrica introduce themself to Cody and Grace. I look at my former best friend and we both smile at each other. We hug because even though she cut us out, we¡¯re always going to be friends. I say hi to Jerrica and Soran. Freyja introduces herself to everybody. I¡¯m able to manage my tears after the introduction end. I take a glance at Cody, he¡¯s staring intensely at Emily.


    ¡°We¡¯re all headed inside if you all want to join us,¡± Cody offers.


    ¡°Hell yeah, we¡¯re in! I gotta catch up!¡± Andrew yells again.


    ¡°You¡¯re so loud,¡± Jerrica sighs.


    I¡¯m confused. I remember when Andrew was living with us, he was texting a girl named Jerrica. No, it couldn¡¯t be, there¡¯s no way.


    ¡°Yeah, okay,¡± Emily gulps.


    ¡°Awesome, almost everyone¡¯s here!¡± Grace grins. She¡¯s right, all that¡¯s missing from our group is Chris.


    We take out seats in a big booth that¡¯s able to fit all of us. Soran and Emily sit by each other, next to Jerrica and Andrew Grace and Cody sit next to Freyja and me. We all get water to start with. Nobody is looking at the menus because they¡¯re all busy talking to each other. I don¡¯t hear any of it because my brother is grinning directly in front of me.


    ¡°So, Andrew,¡± Cody breaks away his attention.


    ¡°Yeah, Cody-kun?¡±


    ¡°Did you happen to run into each other, or?¡±


    I see Emily hides her face in embarrassment and Jerrica rolls her eyes more annoyed than anything. Andrew looks at Jerrica who looks at him back and they both smile. ¡°Oh that,¡± he says nonchalantly. ¡°Jerrica and I are engaged.¡±


    I spit out my drink. Grace almost chokes on hers.


    Andrew just starts to laugh while Emily calls him stupid. ¡°You just had to announce it in the most casual way possible, huh?¡± Jerrica starts to laugh with him. Jerrica shows off her ring, grins and it feels like my head is about to explode.

 Chapter 34: A Stairway to Heaven

    Andrew V


    I head over to a gas station to buy a pack of smokes. My girlfriend hates it, but I don¡¯t have to see her for a while. What she doesn¡¯t know, won¡¯t kill her. I smoke two while I walk down the streets to find something to do before I go back to Darkwood. The city hasn¡¯t changed much over the past two years. Once the rain starts to get a bit heavier, I realize that it¡¯s gonna get wild real soon so time to go back to Darkwood. The cab prices still haven¡¯t changed either. I get off at my old house, now abandoned. It hasn¡¯t started to rain here, which is nice, I guess. I break in because technically, it¡¯s still mine. My mother¡¯s painting is still on the ceiling but ruined so it¡¯s hard to tell the finer details. It¡¯s still beautiful.


    I go to my old room and flip over my mattress. Surprisingly, an old bag of coke is still there. Useful, but I don¡¯t need it anymore. It¡¯s wasted money as it¡¯s flushed down to the sewers. No more.


    In Sara¡¯s room, there¡¯s even more in closet, plus a bag of pills that I don¡¯t recognize. There¡¯s nothing in my father¡¯s room, just empty bottles.


    It¡¯s raining by the time I go outside and don¡¯t have a choice but to walk to my girl¡¯s house. She¡¯s expecting me back soon and I rather not have her be mad. It¡¯s not far and I haven¡¯t even been to the place in four years. The house is still the same, again, nothing changes. ¡°Where¡¯s your dad?¡± I say walking in like it¡¯s my own home. The girl is preparing lunch for us. I made it back in time. She¡¯s still wasting time trying to find something to watch.


    ¡°Oh, visiting Samantha. She¡¯s really stressed about the wedding.¡±


    ¡°Why didn¡¯t you go?¡±


    She shakes her head and heads over to the kitchen. ¡°Honestly I''ve never been close with Sam so it wouldn¡¯t be right. Do you want anything?¡±


    ¡°Sex?¡±


    ¡°No.¡±


    ¡°Please?¡±


    ¡°No,¡± she laughs. The fucking cute laugh she makes gets me every time. ¡°We literally fucked yesterday morning. Keep it in your pants until later tonight.¡±


    ¡°Yo, since when you¡¯re withholding?¡±


    ¡°Uh, since you came in unannounced. It¡¯s nice but you should¡¯ve knocked. What do if Dad was here? He hates you.¡±


    I chuckle. ¡°A lot of people hate me, Jess.¡±


    ¡°Andrew,¡± she sighs. ¡°I know you¡¯re doing it on purpose. It¡¯s Jer.¡±


    She loves it when I give her attitude. ¡°Whatever, Jerrica.¡±


    Jerrica Crowe. My only goddamn fucking saint and savior. Three years ago I would¡¯ve ended the world just for my pleasure. She fucking came into my life and fucked everything up. I hate her for that. I guess I¡¯m also grateful because now I¡¯ll end the world for her.


    Jerrica wears a white flora sundress with her now strawberry blonde hair that blends in with her very few freckles. She smiles at me with her thin and always juicy lips. If everything I¡¯ve ever done drives her away, then I deserve it. I deserve to die. I¡¯ve realized that now. All the things I¡¯ve done are enough for me to deserve death. Jerrica says I¡¯m only being too hard on myself. Everyone who I know would know she¡¯s too good for me.¡°I love you, Andrew,¡± she says every night and every night I believe her and I¡¯m not sure why. Jerrica truly loves me and I just let it be like that and only because I love her back.


    It is fucking bullshit gay saying that word; love. It feels like I¡¯m in some gay shit like how Cody described the feeling to me once. It is surreal.


    ¡°What I feel for you shouldn¡¯t feel this weird, ¡®innit?¡± I asked her a year, six months, two weeks and a day after I first met her. It was only six months after we were dating. I said ¡®I love you¡¯ first.


    Jerrica giggled and kissed me only after holding my hand in bed. ¡°Yeah, I think the feeling is supposed to be like that. You¡¯re really cute when you¡¯re like this, you know that right, baby?¡±


    ¡°Oh shut the fuck up, no I¡¯m not, Jerrica. Don¡¯t you ever fucking call me cute. I don¡¯t do cute.¡±


    Jerrica giggled. ¡°And there you go fucking up the moment again. You know I don¡¯t like it when you talk like that.¡±


    ¡°Hmph, I¡¯m sorry, Babes,¡±


    This girl feels like she feels that empty void in me. It makes me want to marry her. I suck it all up for her but sometimes it¡¯s just so hard. With that dragging me down, it feels like this wedding would be impossible just because I feel like I can¡¯t keep up with appearances. But Jerrica seems to be happy with me, so I live with it. If Jerrica wants a boring-ass white wedding, she can have it but a God I don¡¯t believe me help me that I will do everything in my power to make it the best boring ass wedding ever made. The fucking cops will show up and party with us. That¡¯s just how awesome I¡¯ll make it.


    One night she said, ¡°I know why you love me, Andrew.¡±


    ¡°Why is that?¡± I chuckled at her, eager to hear her answer.


    ¡°Because I get under your skin. I¡¯m the only person that brings out the sensitive side in you and you love it. I¡¯m the only one who knows who you are when you don¡¯t even know. You love me because I¡¯m the only one to ever break you,¡± she said. ¡°Andrew, you love me because you allow yourself to accept that.¡±


    I laughed. ¡°How does that work?¡±


    ¡°Simple,¡± she giggled. ¡°Because I get you, Andrew. I love everything about you. I love the way you act, the way you talk, the way you don¡¯t treat anyone differently, even me, and I love the way you accept my craziness and everything that¡¯s wrong with me. We¡¯re the polar opposites of each other and you and I both love that.¡±


    ¡°We fight all the time.¡±


    ¡°And that¡¯s what makes us the greatest. And you love me because I am the only person who you¡¯ve cried to¡­¡± she smiled and kissed me.


    God, I fucking love this woman.


    Things are good and although I know all of her secrets, she doesn¡¯t know all of mine. She knows who I am, she accepts it but if she would know what I¡¯ve done, I think I would lose her. There¡¯s only so much Jerrica could put up with.


    She smiles at me with her stupid sundress. I hate this woman. ¡°Come on,¡± she says, snapping me back into reality by tossing a piece of Trix cereal on my head. ¡°Let''s go eat.¡±If you find this story on Amazon, be aware that it has been stolen. Please report the infringement.


    I stare at her dumb ass face while she serves the meat for us a the dining table. I¡¯m not even hungry but her company is all I need. Jerrica rambles on about the Wedding tomorrow. It¡¯s the only reason why she¡¯s in Washington right now. She talks about who¡¯s all going to be there and all the wild cards. Apparently, I¡¯m one of them, since I¡¯m going now. I never agreed to but, whatever.


    ¡°Is everything okay, Andrew?¡± she asks, putting me back into focus. I guess being back in Washington feels weird.


    ¡°Uh yeah, just not used to being back here yet.¡±


    ¡°Well yeah, it¡¯s been what? Two years? It¡¯s like being revived from the dead, isn¡¯t it?¡±


    ¡°Bitch, please. It¡¯s unfathomable to try and understand me, stop trying already, Jer-bear.¡±


    She laughs. I like it when she laughs when I say dumb shit like that. I¡¯ve no idea why she puts up with it. I guess she knows that I never mean any of it. It¡¯s just how I turned out to be.


    In truth, Jerrica has been trying to get me to come back for the longest time. She says that I need to confront my past and come to terms with it. Not with my sister, we¡¯re on good terms even though we never talk; but with my father, dead mother, Elizabeth and everything I ever did in this town. Jerrica knows all this and only wants to help. I¡¯m just too stubborn.


    ¡°Y¡¯know, Seattle isn¡¯t that bad of a city. It¡¯s a lot easier to get places. I wouldn¡¯t mind us moving together back here.¡±


    It catches me a bit off guard. We¡¯ve been dating for two years now, ever since I moved to New York City. But we¡¯ve known each other for three. We talked almost daily while I was living with Grace and Sara for my Senior year. Once I graduated, I was done, that was it. Jerrica asked me to move to New York to be closer to her, so I did. We live together in her apartment. Now she¡¯s saying she wants to move here. She¡¯s testing me, isn¡¯t she?


    ¡°Bellevue is a real nice place,¡± I answered her with my fork still holding a slice of of the delicious chicken she made mid-air.


    Jerrica becomes surprised, ¡°Really?! So you¡¯re not against the idea?¡±


    I chuckle, ¡°Why would I?¡±


    ¡°Andrew¡­¡±


    ¡°What?¡±


    ¡°Andrew.¡±


    ¡°Jerrica, do you want us to move? Cuz I¡¯ll marry your ass and move here to fuck this state up.¡±


    She half-smiles and starts to eat, not looking at me. ¡°Are you even picking up what I''m saying, Andy?¡±


    Andy. Now that¡¯s a name I haven¡¯t been called in years. No, only my mom ever called me that. Jerrica never calls me that. I kind of like it. ¡°Of course I do, Babe. I¡¯m not a fucking idiot.¡±


    ¡°Sometimes I wonder,¡± The disappointment in her voice is obvious. ¡°Everything is a big joke for you.¡±


    The smile on me drops. ¡°Of course not.¡±


    ¡°Than what are you serious about? Because since the moment I met you, you just make everything a joke.¡±


    ¡°You. Of course, it¡¯s always been you. Are you actually stupid? Don¡¯t mock me, Jerrica.¡±


    She scoffs, setting down her fork and crossing her arms. ¡°No, I¡¯ve never been. You have this cold exterior that pushes everyone away, even myself sometimes. It overpowers the warmness inside so I find that very hard to believe.¡±


    ¡°Shut the fuck up.¡±


    ¡°Andrew!¡±


    ¡°Jerrica, how many times have I told you that I love you? I meant every single one of them. So shut the fuck up and stop doubting me. I love you, Jerrica.¡±


    ¡°Why do I find that so hard to believe¡­¡±


    ¡°Jerrica, will you marry me?¡±


    ¡°W-wha?¡±


    ¡°I¡¯m not gonna repeat myself.¡±


    -


    I didn¡¯t plan on proposing to her like that. I was planning on it, soon actually. Maybe after the wedding when we¡¯re all going home. Maybe back in New York. Everyone likes to make it a big event, like it¡¯s some deal. Nah, I prefer my shit to be simple. It¡¯s the way Jerrica prefers things too.


    She got her ring and she¡¯s happy, ecstatic throughout the day.


    It¡¯s all Emily¡¯s talking about right before Cody¡¯s show starts. She wanted me to be super-duper romantic and all the business. It¡¯s obvious that she¡¯s just trying to mask her nervousness.


    Then the show starts and things settle down. Soran doesn¡¯t notice it, I don¡¯t even think Jerrica does either, but Emily is staring so intensely at Cody¡¯s performance. I don¡¯t blame her, the kid¡¯s good. He puts on a good show.


    But my sister man who knew she had musical talent. She¡¯s a beauty up there. Her aura is from a much more confident woman than when I left her. I''m proud. I can¡¯t wait to surprise her bitch ass.


    I pull Jerrica to the bar so we can buy a few drinks, well, she does. I¡¯m still 20, sadly. While she gets me a beer, Cody changes the mood. His next song is so damn obvious about Emily. I look over to where she¡¯s standing with Soran. That little Grace girl is standing next to them. Well, not so little anymore. Emily turns around too quick and heads towards the exit, Soran follows. I guess Emily¡¯s song was too much for her.


    ¡°Where¡¯s Ems?¡± Jerrica asks when the song is over.


    I drink my glass in one go, ¡°She went outside.¡±


    ¡°Shit,¡± Jerrica exclaims before excusing herself before me.


    Ems is having a panic attack probably. Soran and Jerrica can handle it. I just want to stand here and admire how grown my sister has become. On later songs, she sings some harmonics and her voice punches me in the gut. It sounds so much like moms. She looks even more like her now, but she isn¡¯t. Sara is kind, compassionate and stronger. She¡¯ll never be like that devil.


    When the show¡¯s over, I meet up with my crew outside.


    -


    Sara looks like she just saw a fucking ghost. It¡¯s hilarious and I¡¯m glad Jer finds it funny too. Grace is almost just as shocked as her, with Cody not caring much. Freyja is the only one that doesn¡¯t know what¡¯s going on.


    ¡°Wha-Whe-Why?!¡± Sara almost shouts.


    ¡°Just today,¡± Jerrica giggles, showing off her ring. It¡¯s probably the least expensive thing on her. I had to work to get the money to buy that for her. She doesn¡¯t let me use any of the money I earned doing Lyle¡¯s jobs on her.


    Cody starts to chuckle, ¡°Dude you¡¯re not even out of school yet.¡±


    I shrug like I always do. ¡°Shit man, don¡¯t worry about the details.¡±


    ¡°What he means is that it¡¯s not going to happen any time soon. We have all the time in the world to figure something out,¡± Jerrica explains for me then holds my hand under the table.


    ¡°Wow, congratulation!¡± Grace smiles.


    ¡°Yeah, congrats,¡± Freyja adds.


    ¡°Geez, finally,¡± I roll my eyes. ¡°¡®Least someone¡¯s happy.¡±


    Sara sighs then giggles, ¡°Did you seriously keep this from me all this time just so you can do this?¡±


    ¡°Yup,¡± Jerrica and I say in unison.


    ¡°You guys are idiots,¡± she laughs. ¡°Congrats. I would¡¯ve had never thought.


    I take a glance at Cody. He¡¯s staring at Emily and she¡¯s staring back. Does nobody else notice this? Sara starts talking to Jerrica about us. I look over at Freyja. She¡¯s nervous too. I thought Sara and her broke up unless they¡¯re back together now. Nah, they¡¯re not acting like a couple. They just reunited again.


    ¡°No, no. He¡¯s still very much an asshole, but I¡¯m just an asshole back to him,¡± Jerrica says.


    ¡°Psh, you wish.¡±


    Jerrica starts to laugh, ¡°My pussy has you smitten.¡±


    There¡¯s a collective ¡°Woah!¡± from the group.


    ¡°Jess,¡± I say to get under her skin, ¡°you kiss your mother with that mouth?¡±


    Jerrica shrugs he left shoulder while taking a drink of her water, ¡°What? You know it¡¯s true and don¡¯t pretend you¡¯re not either, cause sir, I have a ring on my finger.¡±


    Sara starts to laugh. ¡°Oh my god!¡± She laughs even harder to the point where she has to hold herself by grabbing Freyja. ¡°My brother was actually tamed! What a miracle! You two are so cute together, oh my god.¡±


    ¡°Thanks,¡± Jerrica chuckles.


    Sara¡¯s right. Jerrica doesn¡¯t just let me do whatever I want. She fights back, she¡¯s fierce like a growing thunderstorm. Jerrica right now is the only person that can hurt me, and that¡¯s what I¡¯m so afraid of.


    Me. Andrew. Afraid.


    But I¡¯m afraid that one day she¡¯ll leave me. One day she just won¡¯t be able to handle me anymore, or worse, I won¡¯t be able to handle her. She¡¯ll learn what I¡¯ve done and then she¡¯ll leave. That¡¯s what I¡¯m so afraid of.


    The image still hasn¡¯t left my head.


    The image of the man I shot dead just because he owed some dude some money.

 Chapter 35: The Dive

    Chris V


    Are you still there, friend?


    Are you still my friend?


    I don¡¯t know what else to do? I¡¯m too trapped in my head to even move anymore. That¡¯s how it was when I was in the mental hospital. Y¡¯know, just endless loops of thoughts over and over and over again. It¡¯s enough to drive anyone mad. I do think it drove me mad.


    It¡¯s why I¡¯m in the middle of the forest laying down. There isn¡¯t anything else to do but to lay down. I don¡¯t know what I¡¯m doing here either. I¡¯m supposed to go to Cody¡¯s show in a few hours but instead, I¡¯m thinking about thinking. Mr. Fish hasn¡¯t tried talking to me so I guess that¡¯s good.


    I can¡¯t stop thinking about Marina Lightyear, Sessions. It¡¯s a wonderful world where so many oddities can exist. I never imagined that people like her could. She must be one of a kind. It makes sense for her wanting to hide from the world. All she wanted was a normal life and I hope she has one now. Setting her free was a good thing even though it caused everything else to go wrong. My therapist tells me not to blame myself for the consequences of good actions, but I already knew that. My therapist hasn¡¯t told me a single thing that I haven¡¯t managed to figure out by myself.


    I¡¯m the one who broke out of that psychotic state in the first place.


    The rain stops hitting my face.


    ¡°What are you doing laying down? It¡¯s raining,¡± a female voice wakes me.


    She holds an umbrella directly under me. She¡¯s looking down at me but I don¡¯t recognize her. Is she real? ¡°Who are you?¡±


    ¡°Well, I¡¯m the one who isn¡¯t letting you get any wetter.¡±


    ¡°Are you real?¡±


    She snorts, ¡°What kind of question is that?¡±


    ¡°A good one.¡±


    This girl has blonde hair and blue eyes. Do you see her too? She can¡¯t be real. She¡¯s wearing a white dress in the middle of the woods. It doesn''t have a single stain on it. This girl isn¡¯t real. ¡°You¡¯re crazy, huh?¡± she says. ¡°Why are you here?¡±


    I shrug, ¡°Seems like a good place like any other.¡±


    The girl lightly kicks my head. ¡°Get up.¡±


    I take a deep breath and comply. ¡°Why are you here?¡±


    The girl. She isn¡¯t blonde or has blue eyes. She isn¡¯t wearing a white dress either. The girl has dark black hair and almost black eyes. Is my mind serious? The girl¡¯s blue jeans are a bit dirty from the dirt and she has a stain on her red top. ¡°I just moved here. Jesus, you¡¯re all dirty.¡±


    ¡°I¡¯m fine.¡±


    The girl extends her hand to me. ¡°My name is Grace, you?¡±


    I don¡¯t take it. ¡°You¡¯re not real.¡±


    The girl scoffs. ¡°Jesus dude. Take a photo, maybe that¡¯ll prove to you that I¡¯m real. What¡¯s your name?¡±


    A photo. That¡¯s a good idea. Physical concrete proof of a point in time and space. I take my phone out of my green parka and snap a photo. The girl poses. ¡°Chris Larsen.¡±


    ¡°Oh, I didn¡¯t know we were doing full names. Graceful Ayl Farrigan.¡±


    I look at the photo. She¡¯s still there. Grace is real. But how can I be sure anything is real anymore? We trust our minds to understand the world around us but we don¡¯t even understand how the mind works. How can one truly study itself without any errors? Maybe the reality we perceive is one where the mind can cope with the vast loneliness of existence.


    ¡°It¡¯s nice to meet you. I¡¯m sorry you found me like this, I¡¯m not alright in the head.¡±


    She giggles, ¡°It¡¯s alright, dude, nobody is.¡± Graceful is right. Nobody is okay in the head. Every one of us has that thing we all hide from. We all have that thing that makes us scared and weak; that leaves us vulnerable. ¡°If everybody knew what made them vulnerable we would all be weak.¡±


    The genuine version of this novel can be found on another site. Support the author by reading it there.Shit. Can she read my head?


    ¡°Dude, I can¡¯t read your mind, say something and don¡¯t stare at me for a whole ass minute.¡±


    ¡°Oh, uh yeah.¡±


    Can she read my head, like you? ¡°You really are weird,¡± she laughs. ¡°That¡¯s okay, I met plenty of weird people back in Chicago.¡±


    ¡°Is that where you¡¯re from?¡±


    ¡°Nah, born and raised in Denver until my parents decided to move us here for some reason. I moved out but, I¡¯m back visiting. This town gives me the hibbie jibbies. It¡¯s like it¡¯s hiding something.¡±


    ¡°All the kids here think it¡¯s cursed.¡±


    ¡°Ah, that¡¯s probably it,¡± She says looking above her umbrella. I just realize how close we are to each other. It¡¯s almost uncomfortable but something about her doesn''t let it happen. ¡°Do you want to go somewhere, I don¡¯t know, less creepy?¡±


    ¡°Yeah.¡±


    We don¡¯t go anywhere far. There¡¯s an ice cream shop that hugs the edge of the woods. We go there. On the way there she mostly talks about her life in Colorado. I mostly just listen like I always do. When we get there she sits down near the very back of the shop. I take off my parka so I¡¯ll be dry. ¡°Y¡¯know, it doesn¡¯t seem so bad. It¡¯s quiet, peaceful,¡± Graceful says. ¡°Kind of reminds me of going into the mountains back home.¡± After I don¡¯t say anything back, she scowls, ¡°You don¡¯t have a lot to say, do you?¡±


    ¡°No.¡±


    ¡°C¡¯mon. Tell me something about you. You¡¯re pretty weird, were you always like this? Are you autistic?¡±


    ¡°No.¡±


    ¡°Then what, dude?¡±


    ¡°I was in a mental hospital for two years because I thought I was transcending the physical walls of reality. I saw my friend getting shot in a dream and it happened a few days after. I thought it was possible to transcend the concept of time. I went mad.¡±


    ¡°Whoa,¡± Graceful leans in. ¡°Then what happened?¡±


    ¡°Every time I decide to be the observer, bad things happen. The one time I thought I was doing something good, something bad happened because of it. I don¡¯t know how to get over that.¡±


    ¡°Well, that¡¯s easy. You just move on.¡± Move on. If it only was that simple. ¡°It¡¯s simple, just gotta live with it until there¡¯s a day where it doesn¡¯t hurt as bad. Well, I¡¯m talking about break-ups but the same concept applies. Like dude, the past is the past, you can¡¯t change it anymore.¡±


    She¡¯s right. I thought about it before but I don¡¯t believe in the concept of the past because everything that happened and will happen already did. All we have is now.


    All we have is the now.


    How could I overthink such a simple concept?


    Graceful grins and the world starts to fill back up with water. No. I¡¯m not gonna let this happen again. Reality is my monster, it¡¯s what I make it. If this is my current reality, I¡¯ll just take it away. ¡°Congratulations,¡± she says, ¡°you just broke free.¡±


    ¡°What?¡± I blink and she now a fish.


    ¡°You¡¯re just a fish like me, like the rest of humanity,¡± Grace says, but not really. My mind is stronger than this, it has to be.


    I shut my eyes and take a deep breath. When I open them, Graceful is no longer that fish. There is no water around us. ¡°Dude, are you okay?¡±


    ¡°Yeah. I¡¯ll be fine.¡±


    She smiles, ¡°Good, cause I¡¯m going to need a friend if I want to live here.¡±


    ¡°A friend?¡±


    ¡°Yeah. It¡¯ll be a while before I land a job so I gotta have someone to talk to who isn¡¯t my parents telling me to go back to college so I can make more money for my kid. You know, real hood shit.¡±


    ¡°Can I ask you something?¡±


    ¡°Yeah.¡±


    ¡°What do you do when you¡¯re trapped in your own mind and can¡¯t get out of it?¡±


    ¡°It¡¯s simple,¡± she says as if it really is, ¡°You take a dive.¡±

 Chapter 36: Professional Griefers

    Grace V


    Felix comes in to gank as Lee Sin just as I turn level 6 with Ahri. He comes from below, lands his Q goes in and kicks the enemy Azir into me. Before the Azir can react I land my charm on him and kill him with my Q.


    ¡°Good shit,¡± he compliments me over Discord.


    ¡°You too. Uh, Rek''sai is coming.¡±


    Rek¡¯sai tries to come in and kill me as I have 100 hp but I use my ultimate to make my way out of her gank and Felix engages and I combo it with all of my abilities and kill her to get a double. ¡°GG,¡± Felix says.


    And he¡¯s right. After those two kills, I start to snowball the game as I come down bot and get another kill. We group for dragon and Felix dies getting it but I end up killing Rek¡¯sai and Azir again. After those kills I completely take over the game and the opponent''s surrender at 20 minutes. It finally happened.


    ¡°How does it feel?¡± Felix asks.


    I don¡¯t know. I see the promotion to Master on my screen but it feels like a dream. I¡¯m just a couple of weeks away from hitting my goal of getting Challenger. ¡°It¡¯s uh, good. I guess.¡±


    Felix laughs, ¡°C¡¯mon, I thought you¡¯d be happier.¡±


    ¡°It feels surreal.¡±


    ¡°Well duh, Congrats. Want to go another game?¡±


    ¡°I don¡¯t know. I¡¯m tired, besides, Sara is going to be home any minute so we can go to Cody¡¯s show.¡±


    ¡°Oh right, that¡¯s tonight.¡±


    ¡°What are you up to tonight?¡± I say playing around with my profile in League. Master. It took me way too long to get here. It should have been last year.


    ¡°Oh, I didn¡¯t tell you?¡±


    ¡°What?¡±


    ¡°I¡¯m coming back to Darkwood tomorrow, so I¡¯m packing tonight,¡± He chuckles.


    ¡°Oh really! That¡¯s great. For how long?¡±


    ¡°I¡¯m just coming for business, but we should hang out when I¡¯m free. Sounds good?¡±


    ¡°Yeah,¡± I smile.


    Felix is the one who tells me I have the confidence I need to be cool. He¡¯s the one who believed in me when everyone tried to put me down. It¡¯ll be nice to hang out, we haven¡¯t actually done so. ¡°So what happened with Alex? He say anything?¡±


    ¡°No, that guy code is total bullshit. He believes Jacob over me, can you believe that?¡±


    ¡°Well, maybe it¡¯s a good thing.¡±


    ¡°How so?¡±


    ¡°Maybe it¡¯s the fates that keeping you from getting the things you want and instead are waiting for what you need. Kind of weird that you¡¯ve tried a lot and each time something happens to stop you.¡±


    ¡°Yeah-¡±


    ¡°Maybe it¡¯s time to stop looking at what¡¯s in front of you.¡±


    I stay quiet while I change the song on my computer. Maybe Felix is right. I¡¯m not meant to lose my virginity if something is always going to happen to stop it. Sara tells me I¡¯m what¡¯s everything golden in this town. I¡¯m proof of the beauty and innocence of Darkwood. She says this despite knowing I do coke, that I do drugs. She tried stopping me before but once she moved out, she couldn¡¯t control me anymore.


    I¡¯m not innocent anymore. I don¡¯t want to be.


    I¡¯m going to college in a month and there¡¯s still a lot of things I need to learn. I¡¯m too nervous. I¡¯ll have to get a job, pay taxes, worry about money. It¡¯s too stressful and I don¡¯t want any of that.


    If only I can prove to myself that I can be who I want to be.


    ¡°Can I tell you something about myself?¡± Felix breaks the silence. We¡¯ve been playing League together for three years and he hardly talks about herself. I know he lives in Chicago now with his sister and niece but that¡¯s it.This content has been misappropriated from Royal Road; report any instances of this story if found elsewhere.


    ¡°Yeah.¡±


    ¡°Ever since I was little, I always wanted to change the world. It didn¡¯t matter if it was for the better or worse, I just wanted to leave my mark in history. My mom, evil as she was, always believed that I was destined to do so. And all through my entire life, fate has guided me into receiving the tools to be able to do the things I want. Sure I worked for some of it, but fate landed me to be in the right place at the right time.¡±


    ¡°Your mom was evil?¡±


    ¡°Yeah. She would beat my sister and me whenever we messed up. She neglected us a lot too.¡±


    ¡°I¡¯m sorry. Then what happened?¡±


    ¡°I waited. I waited until a fateful day where I was able to obtain the one thing that will change the world. It took years for me to be able to connect all the strings to be able to use it, then everything was ripped away from me. I lost nearly everything. But I knew, I knew if I just followed my fate that I¡¯ll get everything I wanted again. Destiny always arrives when it should.¡±


    ¡°So what should I do?¡±


    ¡°Wait and see what happens,¡± Felix says. ¡°So you¡¯re not down for another?¡±


    ¡°Nah,¡± I sigh. ¡°I¡¯m gonna go, I have to get ready for the show.¡±


    ¡°Have fun then, see ya soon.¡±


    ¡°Bye.¡±


    The call disconnects. I look over at the time and it¡¯s going to get dark soon. Shit, I should shower and get ready. I start to take my shirt off as I walk out of my room when Sara knocks. ¡°It¡¯s time to go, c¡¯mon!¡±


    I put my shirt back down. ¡°It¡¯s it a bit early?¡± I ask her.


    -


    I don¡¯t know if it¡¯s just me, but it¡¯s slightly awkward that Emily is staring at Cody from time to time. It¡¯s not much, but I can catch it. It¡¯s better that I do not say anything.


    It¡¯s even more awkward that Andrew is engaged to Emily¡¯s sister. That easily becomes the biggest surprise that I have witnessed. A total plot twist. It was weird that Andrew went to New York in the first place, and now we know why. Still, he looks happy. There¡¯s something about Jerrica and Andrew that makes sense. Andrew isn¡¯t a wild animal anymore.


    ¡°My brother was actually tamed! What a miracle! You two are so cute together, oh my god,¡± Sara laughs.


    ¡°Thanks,¡± Jerrica chuckles.


    Andrew rolls his eyes and looks away. He¡¯s bad at hiding his smile. See that¡¯s what I want, I just want to be with someone that will be by my side no matter what. I have never been in love. Sara tells me it¡¯s like an invisible force that drives you to care about someone without even questioning it. Yeah, I never felt that way.


    Everyone starts to order and I notice Emily and Cody get the same thing.


    It¡¯s an odd feeling. Almost everyone is here. Everyone except Chris but he¡¯s a shut-in who hardly goes out anymore. I wonder what it¡¯s like; to be trapped in your mind. Like, how do you cure yourself? The source of the problem is your thoughts in the first place. I wish he were here. He would call out the awkwardness that exists within the table.


    The awkwardness only increases when Andrew decides he wants to have a cigarette. I look at Sara and tell her I¡¯m going to the bathroom. That¡¯s a lie. I just really want to talk to Andrew. It¡¯s been so long that I never got to ask the question I always wanted to ask.


    I find him already mid inhale. ¡°What¡¯s up, Grace?¡±


    ¡°Hey.¡±


    ¡°You want one?¡± he offers, pointing his cigarette at me.


    I shake my head, ¡°I don¡¯t smoke cigarettes,¡± I pause. ¡°So you really are engaged huh?¡±


    ¡°Last time I checked, yeah.¡±


    ¡°Is this a prank?¡± I almost laugh.


    Andrew chuckles then take a drag, ¡°Why would it be? The world is a complex place, Grace. You sure have grown into a little hottie. Almost didn¡¯t recognize ya,¡±


    ¡°Thanks,¡± I smile, then frown. ¡°Hey listen,¡± I pause while I wait for him to take another drag. ¡°Remember when you took me to the rave and gave me ecstasy?¡±


    ¡°What about it?¡±


    ¡°When we were about to leave. I was letting you...why didn¡¯t you?¡±


    Andrew stares at me without expression. He drops the cigarette and puts it out with his foot. ¡°You¡¯re asking me this now? Don¡¯t tell me you have a thing-¡±


    ¡°No. I just want to know.¡±


    ¡°I don¡¯t know. Something inside me stopped me. Shit,¡± he laughs. ¡°I thought I was going crazy too. It¡¯s just-there¡¯s somethings you don¡¯t mess with.¡±


    ¡°Like?¡±


    ¡°Fuck, If I knew that I would have told you just now. Why are you asking now?¡±


    Because I¡¯m still a goddamn virgin and it¡¯s pissing me off. It¡¯s like it¡¯s being protected by a divine being for no reason at all. ¡°I¡¯m just-¡±


    Andrew chuckles but doesn¡¯t say anything.


    ¡°I don¡¯t know. It¡¯s just I always wondered.¡±


    Andrew¡¯s chuckle becomes a laugh, ¡°You¡¯re hysterical, Gracie-kun. I¡¯m heading back inside. Don¡¯t overthink it too much, it¡¯s in the past.¡± He puts his hands in his pockets and walks inside.


    I look up to the drizzling rain. Overthinking should be my middle name.


    -


    I sit silently in the backseat as Sara drives Freyja and me back home. The two are reconnecting, as it should. Those two were great together. They feel complete when they¡¯re around each other. I was sad when they lost touch.


    See, that¡¯s the thing that I want. I want someone who can make me complete. I¡¯m lonely. I have all these people constantly around me and I still feel alone. It¡¯s a constant feeling of wanting to belong but it doesn¡¯t matter how much I try. Often I wonder how many people feel this way.


    Feeling alone.


    Being scared of the future, of responsibility. I¡¯m not ready. I have been trying, but I¡¯m not ready.


    It¡¯s everywhere I go. It touched my friend once or twice. I thought about it at least once. I thought I would lose my mind. It teases me with its sweet relief. But still, I¡¯m not ready.


    Oh death, flirting with everyone around me.

 Chapter 37: Lie to Someone You Love

    Emily VI


    His voice is pure anger.


    Cody is dripping with sweat and his combed back bangs now overtake his eyes. His passion in his words energizes the crowd. Then all of a sudden the tone of the song change with Sara¡¯s acoustic guitar.


    He¡¯s calm. Cody drowns himself every night with whiskey. The burn is almost too much to bear but eventually, it goes down smooth. Cody then wakes up in the middle of the day dry heaving. He gets ready for the day and repeats the process all over again. He¡¯s in love with whiskey. It brings him the slow pain that he deserves and eventually soothes him to death.


    Part of me thinks this is about me. Soran thinks the way Cody incorporates punk and rap is prodigal. They¡¯re catchy and damn entertaining that¡¯s for sure.


    My sister gives me a smug look after the song¡¯s over. ¡°You okay?¡± She asks.


    A new song starts to play, ¡°This is called Memoirs of Abraham Lincoln.¡± It¡¯s about the modern racism that everyone encounters ever so subtly. Yet Cody''s words have a way to make it seem that it¡¯s still about me. An outcast who never fitted in. it¡¯s haunting really.


    Sara hasn¡¯t noticed us. She looks good. I didn¡¯t expect to see her here out of all the places but a lot of things change in three years.


    But Cody notices me. His eyes don¡¯t leave me. They¡¯re intense, hungry, and angry. It¡¯s uncomfortable so I take Soran to the bar. I buy myself a drink, then Soran buys me another. No alcohol.


    Grace notices only after we came back for the second part of the show. We haven¡¯t had the chance to talk much as she tends to get into Cody¡¯s music. She almost treats me like a stranger. We¡¯ve been standing in front of her the entire time and I never even noticed. She¡¯s grown into the person I saw when I first met her. I smile at her and she goes back to vibing with the music.


    ¡°This next song will never be in an album,¡± Cody tells the audience. ¡°It¡¯s called Petrichor.¡±


    The song. It¡¯s about me. Sara starts the song slowly, then the drums kick in.


    I can¡¯t take this anymore. I can¡¯t even breathe.


    ¡°You okay?¡± Soran asks when we get outside. ¡°We can go home if you like.¡±


    ¡°No, no, I¡¯m fine,¡± I lie. This is all too much. Coming back to Washington was a mistake. Coming to this show was a mistake.


    My sister slams open the doors and rushes to my side. ¡°Ems, are you having a panic attack?!¡±


    I laugh, ¡°No. It¡¯s okay, I just wanted some fresh air.¡±


    Somehow, I know my sister doubts that. She¡¯s becoming a lawyer so she¡¯s getting good at catching people¡¯s bullshit. ¡°Do you want to sit down?¡±


    I nod and take my sister''s hand to sit down on the sidewalk. Soran joins us a moment later. ¡°It¡¯s not too late to go home,¡± he suggests.


    I shake my head. That wouldn¡¯t solve anything. Part of the reason why I¡¯m here is to face my demons. They¡¯re always active whether we like them or not. It¡¯s those unconscious habits, repressed memories, those urges that seem primal or the insecurities we create for ourselves. It doesn¡¯t matter if we run or hide from them, they¡¯re always there right behind you. It¡¯s what drives us, it¡¯s what drives me. It doesn¡¯t matter what I want.


    When the show is over, Andrew is the first one out the doors. He¡¯s hungry and whines for iHop which is right across the street. I don¡¯t even know how Jerrica can but up with him all the time. Still, I am hungry so we all comply.


    We mistakenly spend too much talking outside because out of nowhere, Andrew spots his sister. She¡¯s with Cody and Grace and some other girl.


    -


    He stares at me with such fierce intensity, as if he was a leopard watching his next kill. I stare back and no one seems to be noticing. They¡¯re all too busy catching up, having fun. At some point, Andrew leaves to take a smoke. Grace then excuses herself to the bathroom. There isn''t much talk so I¡¯m forced to break my eye contact.


    I start to participate a bit more and answer some of Sara¡¯s questions. They¡¯re almost always about New York and college. More importantly, I learn Sara is doing well. She¡¯s healthy.


    Cody continues to pierce me with his eyes whenever he can. It¡¯s almost intoxicating. It¡¯s distracting. This facade of being friendly right now can only go on for so long. Maybe there will be a comment or a gesture that¡¯ll make me lose it. Or maybe he¡¯ll lose it.


    It¡¯s like we¡¯re playing a game of cat and mouse.


    I can¡¯t think straight.


    When Andrew and Grace are back, Soran gets a phone call from his job that he has to take outside. Cody almost disappears like a ghost right after. Sara¡¯s eyes widen. ¡°What do you think is going to happen?¡± She asks.


    Andrew snorts, ¡°Probably nothing,¡±


    ¡°I don¡¯t know babes, guys talk too.¡±


    I look back to where Soran is outside. Cody waits for him to finish his phone call.


    -


    I ask what Soran talked about with Cody on the drive back to my Dad¡¯s. He just tells me that Cody just asked if I was happy. I¡¯ve half spaced out when he talks so I don¡¯t catch the rest. Why does Cody care? It¡¯s a slow drive. A quiet one as well.


    Cody wouldn¡¯t have just asked for my happiness. It¡¯s never been his style. He would¡¯ve and should¡¯ve gotten into Soran¡¯s mind. I somehow find him able to manipulate Soran. Cody wouldn¡¯t just let it go like that, I know him. I have known him my entire life.


    ¡°Aw shit,¡± I say when I open the front door. ¡°I forgot my purse at the stupid place,¡± I lie. I didn¡¯t bring my purse to the show in the first place. ¡°Toss me the keys; I¡¯m going to run back so I can get it,¡± I say to my sister.


    ¡°Hurry back,¡± Both my boyfriend and sister say.


    A good relaxing drive later, I¡¯m back. I don¡¯t know why I¡¯m here. I don¡¯t know why I¡¯m doing this. I have a good life. I¡¯m happy and have everything I ever dreamed of.


    Cody mentioned he was going to the bar down the street to meet up with his bandmates while saying our goodbyes. This is where I find him. Cody is sitting with three of his friends, the people who do the live performance for him. Cody excuses himself before I could get anywhere near him. He walks towards me with a small smile like he was expecting him. Did he plan all of this?


    Why do I care so much? I love Soran. I have to marry him. That¡¯s how my life is planned now. That¡¯s how we decided it to be in one more year. Just one more year and I¡¯ll be engaged. He promised.


    ¡°Emily, what are you doing here?¡± he asks like he doesn¡¯t know. Maybe he doesn¡¯t. He shakes his head before I can answer. ¡°Never mind that, let me buy you a drink.¡±


    ¡°Cody I have to ask you something,¡± I say following him to the main bar.


    ¡°Shoot,¡± he says to me. ¡°A long island ice tea and a hard shot of Jack Daniels.¡±


    ¡°What did you talk about with Soran?¡±


    Cody chuckles, ¡°You came all this way just to ask me that? Are you worried that I said something? If you want to know, then take the drink coming up in a bit.¡±


    ¡°What kind of deal is that?¡±


    ¡°A simple one.¡±


    I sigh. I really, really don¡¯t want too but one drink shouldn¡¯t hurt too bad. ¡°Fine,¡± the bartender hands us the drinks Cody ordered. Cody looks at me and shrugs while taking his shot. I have no choice but to start to drink. I shouldn¡¯t. I really shouldn¡¯t but I need it ¡°Now tell me.¡±


    ¡°We just talked. Soran is a really cool guy. You¡¯re a really lucky girl, Emily. I can tell he loves you a lot.¡±


    ¡°What does that mean?¡± I say finishing my drink. I can already feel the buzz kicking. There¡¯s a burn in my stomach. I knew this was a bad idea.


    ¡°It means we talked like two guys talk. We got to know each other, that¡¯s it.¡± he laughs. ¡°Do you want to tell me the real reason why you¡¯re here then, Emily?¡±


    ¡°I¡­¡± I stop myself from something probably stupid. ¡°I don¡¯t know.¡±


    Cody smiles and nods like a little kid with his eyes closed. ¡°It¡¯s been a while¡­¡±


    ¡°Yeah,¡± I don¡¯t hesitate.


    Cody is drunk or phased. He starts playing with his fingers on the table, simulating a fight with his hands. ¡°What are you doing?¡± I laugh. ¡°You¡¯re acting like a little kid.¡±


    Cody orders another drink. ¡°Hey, remember when we used to say we¡¯ll spend our adult lives in a bar like a sitcom?.¡±


    ¡°Yeah, that was over seven years ago,¡± I giggle.


    ¡°I miss those times. We were so little back then. You didn¡¯t have boobs then.¡± Cody jokes and laughs and acts like a little kid and acts like his old self and¡­and¡­and¡­.why?


    ¡°Shut up!¡± I laugh. ¡°You were a scrawny little white boy!¡±


    Cody chuckles. ¡°Times sure change. Um hey! Are you happy?¡± he asks but quickly shakes his head like he¡¯s the 12-year-old undecided Cody. ¡°Shit, where¡¯s my drink?¡±


    I smile, then frown, then smile again, then frown again. I don¡¯t understand why Cody is acting like this. Is he trying to show me something? But before I can say anything Cody gets his drink and slides it over to me.


    ¡°Are you happy?¡± He asks in a calmer, more serious tone.


    ¡°Yeah, I am, Code,¡± I answer.


    ¡°Then you don¡¯t need me or that old Cody, Emily.¡±


    Is this what he was trying to show me something. ¡°Why?!¡± I snap. Why does Cody always have to reject me? I¡¯m tired. I¡¯m tired of it all. ¡°I can¡¯t bel¡­¡±


    Cody cuts me off by laughing. ¡°I¡¯m sorry I¡¯m just bullshitting you. I¡¯m happy you¡¯re happy, Emily.¡±


    I sigh and scratch my eyes. ¡°That was a cruel joke.¡± Cruel jokes are Cody¡¯s specialty. I can¡¯t help but giggle. ¡°Are you just fucking with me, Cody?¡± I say after a second of thinking everything over.


    Cody smiles, grins and smiles and half-smiles and then laughs. ¡°No, I¡¯m not fucking with you. I¡¯m just a bit drunk so I don¡¯t really know what I¡¯m saying. What am I saying?¡± If you find this story on Amazon, be aware that it has been stolen. Please report the infringement.


    I sigh and close my eyes. I can feel the slight buzz and I wonder if it¡¯s really good for me. Maybe it would be for one day. Just one day wouldn¡¯t hurt. Something in me, maybe my inner teenage girl who is still in me makes me laugh. ¡°How much did you have to drink?¡±


    ¡°Not enough apparently,¡± he chuckles. He takes a long drink from the alcohol that I haven¡¯t been drinking. ¡°You should¡¯ve drunk more. It loosens you up.¡±


    ¡°No, I don¡¯t drink anymore.¡±


    Cody takes another drink. ¡°You know I¡¯m actually jealous?¡±


    ¡°Oh? Of what?¡±


    ¡°Of you. Of Soran, of your life. He told me everything,¡± he chuckles. ¡°I¡¯m jealous that you¡¯re happy.¡±


    ¡°And you¡¯re not?¡±


    ¡°No,¡± he begins to slur, then takes another drink. ¡°You think I¡¯m happy?¡±


    I giggle, ¡°Yeah, you seem to have a good life. You¡¯re a great artist, you live alone, you¡¯re single I assume and everything looks good in life.¡±


    Cody laughs. ¡°Yeah, life''s good. The treehouse isn¡¯t falling apart anymore, my pay gets me through the bills and I live a good life.¡±


    ¡°So what¡¯s the problem?¡±


    Cody keeps a straight smile and mumbles something without looking at me. He takes another drink and makes a face like he¡¯s disgusted. Cody glares at my eyes and smiles. ¡°It doesn¡¯t matter,¡± he says trying burp


    ¡°Did you put alcohol in your drink?!¡± I try to joke.


    Cody half smiles and nods. ¡°Emily, remember the time where we first got drunk?¡± Yeah of course I remember. ¡°God that was such a bad night. You threw up all over me!¡± Cody laughs.


    The memory makes me laugh. ¡°Cody, we were 12!¡±


    ¡°I held everything down, you were a weak drinker. But yeah, you were twelve. I liked twelve-year-old Emily,¡±


    ¡°Liked?¡± I chuckle. ¡°What changed?¡±


    Cody places his hands over his chest and pulls them outward. ¡°You grew tits,¡± he laughs.


    I laugh and I do something I haven¡¯t done since I was just a girl: snort. ¡°Oh my god, Cody! You don¡¯t like my breasts?!¡±


    Cody shakes his head vigorously with a grin. ¡°I like em, er, like I''m a tiny bit small¡­er,¡±


    ¡°And here I thought everyone likes bigger breasts.¡± We¡¯re joking, my breasts are pretty small.


    ¡°I¡¯m not everyone, Emily, you should know that by now,¡± he says in his normal, adult, serious voice without slurring.


    ¡°Why aren¡¯t you calling me Ems?¡±


    I drink the last of what he orders because he¡¯s getting too drunk. He¡¯s being a mess so I try to take him home. He stumbles onto the sidewalk. I trip and fall and we laugh. I can feel the last drink hitting me. I really shouldn¡¯t have done that. But Cody is much more gone than I am.


    ¡°Are you in college?¡±


    ¡°Two years ago, I went when Sara entered Community. I dropped out when it wasn¡¯t for me.¡±


    -


    ¡°My label is sending me on tour after my second album launches. I¡¯ll be gone for a few months traveling the country.¡±


    ¡°Oh really? Maybe I can visit when you do a show in New York.¡±


    -


    ¡°I¡¯ve been trying out this diet for a few months¡­¡±


    ¡°Diets are for fucking¡­pussies,¡± he laughs.


    -


    ¡°You should work out,¡± I giggle.


    ¡°No, lifting the equipment is enough. You¡¯re the one who should work out. You¡¯re getting fat,¡± he jokes, knowing far too well I am at my physically weakest right now.


    I smack him on his chest. ¡°You ass!¡±


    -


    ¡°The part of the treehouse that I don¡¯t want to finish is still pending. We can finish it. You want to help? I haven¡¯t asked anyone yet it¡¯ll be just the two of us.¡±


    ¡°Yeah, yeah, I could come.¡±


    -


    Emily, what are doing? You¡¯re drunk, you shouldn¡¯t be drinking and it¡¯s almost midnight. You shouldn¡¯t be thinking about Cody. You haven¡¯t thought about Cody in two years. Soran is who you love now. What the hell are you doing? He called you four times already. You should be at home.


    Just tell him you¡¯re with Sara.


    ¡°The night is hazy and lines are written pretty lazy, but listen to me pretty lady because tonight the whiskey eyes are rolling like crazy. I become a junkie and I¡¯ve become an artist but what about you? Are you still the smartest. Shit. Fuck. That was bad.¡±


    ¡°No, no, that was fine, I liked it.¡±


    ¡°No, no because you deserve the best.¡±


    ¡°Why?¡±


    Cody smiles.


    The smile is returned. On the corner of the street right beside my parked car. I¡¯m still good enough to drive, I think. Cody¡¯s hair is finally out of his eyes thanks to me. He pulls it back again but that annoying strand of hair hanging off his bang is still there.


    ¡°Because you¡¯re still my Ems.¡±


    His apartment isn¡¯t even far. It¡¯s a few blocks away. We could¡¯ve walked. Soran calls, checking up on me. Cody stays quiet as I tell him I ran into Sara and I¡¯m spending time with her. Shit, Why, why, why!


    Cody sit¡¯s down on his bed with a grin. ¡°Thanks for taking me home.¡±


    ¡°Can you sing me the song from tonight? The one about me?¡±


    -


    ¡°You''re hanging me by the throat


    You seemed to be so alone but you stopped knocking cuz I''m not home


    We left off with the pretend kiss


    We couldn''t stay friends, pretty little miss


    Caught on to my wind, Now we''re facing each other again


    We can''t win when you come back like this


    I can''t hold back for the words that make the tension quite thick


    I was nothing but trouble when we lied to each other to stay platonic


    When we touched one another when the time came upon it


    All those years with the built-up urges


    We got when I kissed your bottom lip for the first time and it made you nervous


    That''s how you preferred it


    But I always held back


    And I can now tell you that I know that I


    I''m still In love with you


    But I''m your dark night


    Even when the sun''s gone


    Deep in the daylight


    I don''t know what made it came back


    Maybe when you said you aren''t in love


    Something like that


    It wasn''t like your love never intrigued me


    There was never a drop of you I wouldn''t drink freely


    You were my speakeasy


    I can say it a lot


    Like that night that I, died from a gunshot


    When you cried in my arms but it was different from any other time before


    I learned you can''t push when you pull this rope


    Ems, that was when I asked for your ring size


    And asked for your soul so I can see the garden on the inside,


    I can still hear your breathing


    When my head rested on your chest and what was beneath us deepens


    But we always held back,


    And I can now tell you that you know that


    His voice is soft


    I''m still In love with you


    But I''m your dark night


    Even when the sun''s gone


    Deep in the daylight


    I don''t know what made it came back


    Maybe when you said you aren''t in love


    Something like that


    I''m still In love with you


    But I''m your dark night


    Even when the sun''s gone


    Deep in the daylight


    I don''t know what made it came back


    And you can tell me to move on


    I don''t know what made it came back


    I''m still In love with you


    Through the sunshine and the desert and the years


    It''s been three years now


    Through the spring and the rain and the years


    It''s been three years now and I''m still right here and I


    It''s been three years now and I''m still right here and I¡­


    I still love you.


    -


    Cody¡¯s scuffed beard pokes and scratches my face. It feels like Soran¡¯s beard but not as carefully trimmed. Yeah, that¡¯s right; Soran. Is this the right thing to do? Do I still care for Cody? The scratching feels good.


    ¡°Do you remember?¡± he says.


    Our first kiss? Our first night? Our first promise and our first fight? I remember all of that. I can¡¯t decide whether or not I should care about that anymore.


    All I can think about is Soran. His hard smile, hard jaw, beautiful brown glowing eyes, his strong muscular body and sweet, caring and understanding personality; all of that is the only thing I can think about.


    ¡°God I want you,¡± he whispers.


    His bed is incredibly soft and I sink right in. I can¡¯t think anymore. I can¡¯t do anything anymore but just give it. Everything feels like I¡¯m being pulled down and making weak. Aluminum is strong and flexible, but aluminum can always rip with just enough force.


    The shirts are off, the pants are off, and everything is going smoothly. Cody knows, Cody knows a lot about me but I was just a teen and didn¡¯t know my body that well. But he tries, and he¡¯s careful. He¡¯s drunk but he¡¯s still careful even after everything that has ever happened between us. I¡¯m drunk and I don¡¯t know what¡¯s going on anymore. Cody shouldn¡¯t give a shit about me anymore.


    Why are we doing this?


    He feels every inch of my body slowly with just his finger touch. He plays with me, teases me and makes me crave it more just how I like it. He laughs, tells me he¡¯s going to fuck me so hard I¡¯m going to die screaming, and holds my throat down and it just feels so¡­damn¡­good. His eyes are burning red. I don¡¯t know if it¡¯s passion or anger but I hope it¡¯s the former.


    He moves slowly until I tell him to go faster and harder. He knows everything, how does he know everything? It''s just not possible.


    Shit, what the fuck am I doing?


    I¡¯m cheating on Soran. Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, and fuck!


    My mind drifts to only three months ago. Soran was in bed next to me discussing what we want. Everything now was about we, there was no he and there was no me either. ¡°Yeah I want three kids, I always wanted three kids,¡± I said.


    ¡°You know I don¡¯t like kids,¡± he chuckles. ¡°But maybe I could learn y¡¯ know? Maybe one is good enough.¡±


    ¡°You think we¡¯re ready?¡±


    ¡°Yeah, just give me six months and I¡¯ll propose to you. I promise, Ems Baby. I just won''t tell you when or how.¡±


    ¡°That¡¯s what I like to hear,¡± I grinned, and then kissed him.


    Something brings me back to when I was a little kid. I had this diary that I would write in almost every day. Cody and I never talked about it, maybe because it¡¯s painful for both of us, but there was a time where I was dying. I was 10, and that journal was the only thing that gave me the courage to say what I wanted.


    I still remember some of it, but not the exact dates. Although I¡¯m positive it all took place during fall.


    Today is the first day of fall and I can¡¯t wait until the leaves fall. It¡¯s my favorite season. Everyone hates it a school because it¡¯s right behind winter but I don¡¯t consider that a real reason.


    I like how the leaves change. It gives me a purpose through all this pain. Last night it rained. Dad said rain is required for gain. Whatever that means.


    It¡¯s starting to hurt to write. My dad is trying to do everything to make it right. I lost feeling in my left arm today. The doctors asked if I could see a light. I told them no, I lied.


    Cody came today to visit me! He promised if I get better he¡¯ll take me to the sea. But as of today, I can¡¯t see. Cody told me the last project I turned in at school and got a C. I feel bad that I didn¡¯t get a B. Cody is cute; he¡¯s worried because the surgery is tomorrow. I hope it goes well.


    I came out okay. Before the surgery, Cody gave me a fall leaf that¡¯s still with me. Looking at it makes me wonder why this world so full of hate. Cody said he was coming today, but he¡¯s late. There¡¯s nothing I can do but to wait.


    I¡¯m finally back home. Cody said that If I died he would¡¯ve mourned. I don¡¯t know about that but it was a special night, like something inside me was born. It was nice to see Cody there with me but it still felt like my eyes were being torn. I can still remember the day our friendship was formed¡­


    We went out trick or treating. All of us. Well, not mom. She and Dad have been fighting. Cody, Dad, Jerrica, and Travis took me out for the first time since I got home. I felt fine.


    It¡¯s been a while I¡­


    Sick¡­


    It¡¯s the last day of fall. I feel so weak like I¡¯m going to¡­¡­.fall.


    Love, Emily


    I don¡¯t know why I¡¯m thinking about it now. That sickness made our parents get a divorce. It almost killed me. It ruins my life for weeks every year. It makes me weak like how I am now. This is who I am now.


    Maybe It¡¯s the same now. What I¡¯m doing now, this¡­ I¡¯m ruining my life again. This time it¡¯s in my control, but I''m still doing it. I¡¯m an idiot. I can¡¯t do this¡­


    Soran save me¡­

 Chapter 38: Mother and Daughter

    Sara VI


    July 16th, 2016


    I wake up to the scent of strawberries. Somehow, the day seems brighter than usual. It¡¯s pouring rain outside but the day shines like nothing is bothering it. My phone has a text from Emily. She did something stupid, something terrible and idiotic and she wants me to cover for her. It¡¯s too much of a good day to not cover for her although she has to face the truth at some point.


    I get up from my bed to go pee. I stop myself in the mirror and examined my damaged body. The cuts are all but gone. The wounds are healing, It¡¯s becoming more and more beautiful. Yet there are still days where it¡¯s hard to think like that. There are days where I¡¯m disgusted with myself. There are days where I even hate myself. Today just happens to be a day where things are good.


    Maybe things are good because my brother is back in town. He¡¯s happy. He found someone to live for that isn¡¯t me. I learned to stop relying on him just like he wanted. Or maybe things are good because Freyja is sleeping peacefully on my bed. I lay down next to her again and smell her scent. Strawberries.


    I wish moments like these can last forever.


    Last night after getting home we did nothing but catch up. There were a few glasses of wine involved and I ended up being unable to drive. Freyja could have asked Grace or even Virginia to take her home, but she didn¡¯t. She stayed.


    I wrap my hand around hers just to feel her touch. Freyja tugs on my arm and pulls me closer to her. I think she¡¯s woken up so I opened my eyes just to see hers closed. Our lips are dangerously close to each other and damn, I really want to kiss her. It wouldn¡¯t be right so I pull my head back and let go of her hand.


    At some point, I don¡¯t know, maybe thirty minutes later, Freyja¡¯s eyes open. They shine the second they realize I¡¯m here. I wonder if mine are doing the same. I hope they are. ¡°Hmm, Morning,¡± She yawns.


    ¡°Good morning,¡± I smile.


    ¡°Were you watching me sleep?¡±


    ¡°Maybe,¡± I giggle.


    ¡°Creep!¡± Freyja laughs and nearly pushes me off the bed. ¡°What time is it?¡±


    I look at my phone. Another text from Emily. ¡°It¡¯s nearly noon.¡±


    ¡°Dang, I sure slept in.¡±


    I get up from my bed and put on sweats over my shorts. ¡°Not too late for breakfast?¡±


    Freyja sits up, ¡°No, not unless it would be too awkward.¡±


    ¡°Why would it be awkward?¡±


    ¡°I don¡¯t know. We haven¡¯t seen each other in like a year and the first thing we end up doing is sleeping on the same bed together. I don¡¯t think your mom would look to kindly at me.¡±


    I giggle and put on a semi-clean t-shirt. ¡°She wouldn¡¯t care. Besides, what¡¯s so different than before?¡±


    Freyja gets up and puts on her socks, ¡°We were dating.¡±


    Right. I almost have forgotten that. The first night back and it felt like nothing changed. It still doesn¡¯t. It still feels like she¡¯s my girlfriend. ¡°Yeah. Were,¡± I say a bit somberly.


    Freyja looks at me with sadness in her eyes. ¡°I guess we should talk about where things are moving forward.¡±


    ¡°What do you mean?¡±


    ¡°I¡¯m quitting school to take care of my dad and the church.¡±


    ¡°What?¡±


    ¡°His cancer, it¡¯s back. They say it¡¯s terminal this time and he doesn¡¯t have much time left. A couple of months, if that.¡±


    I sit back down on the bed. Shit. A complex of emotions surges through me. On one hand, I feel like shit because I can empathize with her. Her dad¡¯s cancer was something he fought like hell to beat just for this to happen. On the other, that means Freyja would be too busy and maybe we could get back together. I don¡¯t know how to feel. ¡°Freyja, I¡¯m so sorry.¡±Support the author by searching for the original publication of this novel.


    Freyja shakes her head and giggles, ¡°It¡¯s alright. At least this time he isn¡¯t blaming me for being gay and whatnot.¡±


    ¡°Are you okay?¡±


    ¡°I don¡¯t know, it hurts but I think we all accepted it. We¡¯re just trying to be there for him as much as we can, y¡¯ know? I just can''t-imagine the final moments, and I don¡¯t think I want to. That¡¯s why I¡¯m okay with waiting until that day comes.¡±


    I don¡¯t say anything. I don¡¯t think I can. What do you even say in moments like these? Chris would say something.


    ¡°That¡¯s why-I don¡¯t know. Maybe. Maybe we could give us another go. Yeah, maybe long distance will be hard, but I¡¯ll be here. I¡¯m not leaving. I¡¯ll wait for you and even fly out to visit from time to time,¡±


    ¡°Freyja, I-¡± It¡¯s like only good things have been happening to me lately. Those are words I wanted to hear since last night, yet it feels wrong. ¡°I want the same thing but-¡±


    ¡°Really?!¡± Freyja leaps onto the bed and almost attacks me.


    ¡°Is this what you really want? You have a lot going on right now. Do you think piling me on top of that is the best thing for you?¡±


    Freyja backs off almost immediately. ¡°Sara, I love you. I always loved you. If I learned anything over the past year is that nothing happens without a reason. Everything that has happened over the past three years, I don¡¯t know, it just feels like it¡¯s all cultivating into these moments.¡±


    I smile, ¡°Okay.¡±


    -


    Virginia is watching the news while Freyja and I eat lunch. I vaguely pay attention to it. All they¡¯re talking about how this rainfall is the storm of the year and some areas are expected to flood.


    I get a text from my brother, ¡°Last minute invite to wedding. Come? Ye or na?¡±


    I text back, ¡°I don¡¯t have a dress dummy.¡±


    ¡°Who¡¯s that?¡± Freyja asks.


    ¡°Andrew,¡± I reply taking a bite of the lasagna Virginia made. ¡°He wants me to go to the wedding he¡¯s going to. I don¡¯t even have a dress.¡±


    ¡°Oh.¡±


    The news gets louder which catches my attention. ¡°Girl¡¯s, you might want to hear this,¡± Virginia calls out.


    It¡¯s breaking news. Freyja and I went to Emmah Melody Ryan¡¯s concert a few years back. Her parents got her VIP tickets where we got to meet her. It¡¯s where we got the matching set of necklaces. Now the news is saying her husband was killed in an apparent shooting. He leaves behind his wife and 8-year-old son.


    The shooter was part of the old Golden Hearts gang that ran rampant back in 2007. He was one of the higher-ups that went by the handle, ¡®Wagner¡¯. His real name is Frederick Seibert. He¡¯s been arrested.


    Man. I could only imagine what Emmah must be going through. She was so nice when I met her. I hope this terrible news doesn¡¯t get in the way of Cody¡¯s tour. He is signed under the label she¡¯s in.


    More news comes in. The cops are looking for another suspect involved in the shooting. They only have his handle to give the public, ¡®Mendelssohn¡±.


    ¡°Man, I don¡¯t think I can eat anymore. I feel awful,¡± Freyja pushes her plate away.


    -


    Freyja goes home after that news broadcast. I drive there and during that drive, we decide it¡¯s best to take things slow for now. There¡¯s still a lot we have to talk about and work out. Still, things are looking hopeful for me. I tell her to keep tight of the necklace, now more than over. As I drive away, thoughts of the Emmah¡¯s husband creeps into my mind. Her son has to grow up without a father now.


    I was the same age when I let my mom die. It still haunts me. It doesn¡¯t matter how many therapy sessions I have. I still can¡¯t get over it. More and more often I find myself thinking about my mother. As the years go by, I remember her faceless and less. Now in these dreams, she remains faceless. Andrew always said I looked like her but now I can¡¯t remember to see if it¡¯s true or not.


    It¡¯s why I¡¯m back in my old house three years later. My mother¡¯s mural on the ceiling is fading. There are no photos of her anywhere. In my room, I find a bag of oxycodone and ecstasy pills. I crush them on the kitchen counter and throw the powder outside. Andrew¡¯s room has been changed since I last saw it, although I don¡¯t know if it was recent or not. It could¡¯ve changed when Andrew disappeared on us two years ago. Finally, in the master bedroom, I find nothing but empty beer bottles everywhere. There¡¯s still no picture of Mom. Surely there has to be one somewhere. Yet there isn¡¯t and I only find an old folded up piece of paper addressed to my father, written by my dead mother. Inside the letter, I find her wedding ring.


    -


    I place the note on top of her grave, letting the rain soak it down into the ground. I pick up the still fresh flowers that Andrew must have left earlier in the day or last night and examine them. Yellow Carnations, Dark Crimson Roses, and Forget-Me-Not¡¯s; all in all an odd combination but mean only one thing. Andrew must know what I just learned thanks to the note I just read.


    Our mother was never this woman we held to such high regard. She was this weak woman who could never overcome her sickness. This mother of mine was born with it, like how I now know I was born with it as well. The only difference between us is that I¡¯ve been at my worst and overcome it thanks to my new family. We were just never enough for her. Now I know why my father slowly regressed into what he is now. Now I know why I suffered months of physical and mental abuse.


    My mom was never a good person. Sometimes I wish I could hide behind the mask that she was. It would be easier. If I think hard enough, I can remember the beating she used to give me. Yet after reading that note, she left for my dad, how can I hate her? She tried her best. She tried to overcome her evil nature. Her apology to me and Andrew in the note is proof of that.


    Her suicide, it was her way of apologizing for everything she did to use.


    I guess this is where I say goodbye for the last time now. I wished things could¡¯ve turned out better for her. All she had to do was to reach out for help. We loved her, she just couldn''t accept that.


    ¡°You¡¯re here too?¡± My brother says from behind.

 Chapter: 39 The Bohemian Rhapsody

    Andrew VI


    It doesn¡¯t let go. It never let''s go. The dreams of falling. The ghost that haunts me. The ghost that haunts Sara. The memories of our mother, the memories of before everything. Before her death, before my friend''s death, before Lyle, before the drugs, before Elizabeth. She¡¯s comforting.


    Everything is adrift.


    But not fake, there is no illusion. There is no big mess, there is no big parade. No big checks but it¡¯s all we got. So when the ghost comes with open arms, you¡¯ll see it, really see it. And accept it.


    But it never let''s go.


    I take a shower and wack off so Jerrica doesn¡¯t give me any urges during the wedding and then get dressed. Tonight is all about making a good impression, I can¡¯t forget about that. But before all that I need to see some people.


    I tell Jerrica where I¡¯m going and she wishes me luck, but before I can leave Soran asks me if I have seen Emily. I tell him, no but she¡¯s probably with Sara. The two spent all last night catching up, it wouldn¡¯t surprise me if they¡¯re hanging out to get coffee or something.


    But when I got to see Sara, Emily isn¡¯t near. I have my suspicions but that isn¡¯t my business. But seeing my sister is a nice change of pace. She¡¯s grown up, Sara¡¯s a woman now even though we¡¯re 20. Funny, I remember her being shorter. But when she sees me, it¡¯s as if I¡¯ve come back from the dead. I suppose that¡¯s a little bit true. It¡¯s been far too long and everything is finally coming to a close.


    ¡°You¡¯re an asshole, you know?¡± She tells me over our mother¡¯s grave.


    ¡°Yeah, I know,¡± I chuckled. ¡°Can you blame me? I¡¯m head of heels for that woman.¡±


    ¡°You could have called and kept me updated on things. Maybe post on Facebook once in a while¡±


    One of the benefits of never posting in social media is that nobody ever knows what you¡¯re up to. It¡¯s a good way to be at peace, although that¡¯s not the reason why I never use it. ¡°Mystery is part of the adventure, Sara.¡± I never posted because I was afraid Lyle would use it to track me down and hurt the people I care about.


    ¡°Don¡¯t you have a wedding to go to?¡± She says.


    I look up to my umbrella, ¡°Yeah, which is why I have to get going. Listen, how about a day tomorrow. You and me?¡±


    Sara grins like me, showing all of her pearly white teeth, ¡°Sounds great!¡±


    -


    I get back to Jerrica¡¯s where everyone is just leaving for the ceremony. Emily is back by the time I got there. I tell them I won''t join them because I need to visit someone else. Soran offers to drive me because he can¡¯t stand Christian churches for too long.


    ¡°Just be back soon, okay? Don¡¯t bail out on me,¡± Jerrica tells me.


    When I tell Soran where we¡¯re going, he doesn¡¯t question it. Instead, he asks, ¡°Have you noticed anything about Emily lately? She¡¯s been awfully quiet lately. She¡¯s spacing out again.¡±


    ¡°Yeah, she¡¯s always been like that.¡±


    ¡°Never like this, my friend.¡±


    I try my best not to laugh. I just hope I¡¯m wrong on what¡¯s happening.


    Once we arrive at the place, I ask Soran to stay inside the car.


    It¡¯s my first time here. I¡¯ve always thought about it, always thought about what I was going to say. Someday we''re just anger, others just wanted an explanation. Mostly, I just want to know the truth of what happened to Mom.


    Inside, he¡¯s withered and visually exhausted.


    ¡°How are you doing out there?¡±


    ¡°Fine, I suppose.¡±


    ¡°Where do you work?¡±


    ¡°With some people.¡±


    ¡°How old are you now?¡±


    ¡°You should know if you bothered to care.¡±


    ¡°Yeah, I¡¯m sorry about that,¡± there is silence. ¡°Do you have a girl? Is she nice and pretty?¡±


    I nod. ¡°Her name is Jerrica. Yeah, she is pretty and nice. She reminds me a lot about Mom, y¡¯ know?¡± A bit more silence. ¡°She still loves me even though I manage to fuck everything up.¡±


    ¡°You think this girl is the one?¡±


    I scoff and try not to laugh. ¡°I don¡¯t remember a time where I wouldn¡¯t give up everything just to be with someone. She¡¯s a reminder that life will always get better just like with¡­¡±


    ¡°How is Sara?¡±


    ¡°You¡¯re not allowed to speak about her.¡±


    ¡°Why not?¡±


    ¡°You know why, father.¡±


    The old man chuckles, ¡°hmm. As long as you have a good life, Andrew, then I¡¯m happy.¡±


    I half-smile. Like Dad ever cared. Well, I suppose prison has been good for him. He isn¡¯t allowed to drink and has been given a lot of time to think. Maybe he has changed maybe he hasn¡¯t. He¡¯s still a goddamn monster.Love this story? Find the genuine version on the author''s preferred platform and support their work!


    ¡°I¡¯m glad you visited me. It¡¯s been three years since I have seen you.¡±


    Hmph, it¡¯ll be another three after today.


    ¡°What are you up to? You¡¯re dressed nice¡±


    ¡°I¡¯m going to a wedding today.¡±


    ¡°Yeah? Whose?¡±


    ¡°The cousin of my girl¡¯s.¡±


    ¡°Jerrica? I¡¯m glad you found someone.¡±


    ¡°It¡¯s what I do Dad.¡±


    ¡°Just don¡¯t get into trouble, son. I don¡¯t want you to lose Jerrica,¡± he pauses. ¡°I don¡¯t want you to lose her how I lost your Mom.¡±


    There¡¯s a strong silence. He knows he¡¯s not supposed to talk about Mom. He knows after she died he became a shit father. I¡¯m glad he¡¯s in prison. I don¡¯t want to talk about it. I don¡¯t want to¡­ ¡°How did it feel?¡±


    ¡°Feel what?¡±


    ¡°To lose the person you love the most.¡±


    ¡°It sent me here, didn¡¯t it?¡± he chuckles. ¡°It¡¯s the worst pain in the world, son. I don¡¯t want you to ever feel the same way I did.¡±


    ¡°I gotta go.¡±


    ¡°Andy.¡± He stops me right before I stand up. ¡°This might be the last time we talk. I know you won¡¯t ever come back after today. Just¡­have a safe day, Andy.¡±


    Nobody calls me Andy, yet I¡¯m not mad at him. I get it, it¡¯s done. Loose ends are tying up. I just have to finish mine. He stares at me. His eyes are the same as mine, disgustingly brown. Sometimes I wonder why I couldn¡¯t have my mom¡¯s blue eyes, like Sara. This guy, my father, lifts the phone and moves it towards the wall.


    ¡°Hey wait!¡±


    He stalls and puts the phone back to his ear. ¡°Yes, son?¡±


    Son. Huh. I bite my lip, unsure of how to ask. Closure, we all need closure. Mom was never the happy person we remember. ¡°Why did...Why did Mom kill herself?¡± There¡¯s silence and my father looks down. ¡°Sara and I, we all put her in a fucking pedestal, but it was never like that, was it?¡±


    He sighs, ¡°No. No, it wasn¡¯t.¡±


    ¡°Then what? What happened?¡±


    ¡°She was sick. Uh, mental illness. It¡¯s been like that ever since I¡¯ve known her. I¡¯ve always dealt with it, you know. When you and Sara were born, she seemed happy. I thought that was the end of it.¡±


    ¡°Obviously not.¡±


    ¡°I don¡¯t know, it was dormant for seven years. Angelica was incredibly good at faking it with you two. Listen, Andy, I did the best I could.¡±


    ¡°It wasn¡¯t enough.¡±


    ¡°I know.¡±


    ¡°It wasn¡¯t enough!¡± This is what I need. ¡°You didn¡¯t save her! That was your only job!¡±


    ¡°Listen An-¡±


    ¡°No, Dad. You listen. You let her die. You knew. You knew and yet you still let it fuck you up. It fucking destroyed you and you took out on us. And you gave no fucks.  You gave no fucks and it taught me not to give one either. And you know what? That¡¯s what really fucked up us, more than mom ever did.¡±


    ¡°Andrew¡­.there are no words.¡±


    ¡°Do you even remember when Sara ran away?,¡± I shake my head, ¡°You didn¡¯t care, right? When I was out there, every fucking night, right? I spent every waking moment fucking looking for her while you just lied on your couch passed out drunk. And when I finally fucking found her, a slave for Lyle that he used for whatever the fuck, that¡¯s when I connect the dots.¡± I wipe my face with my palm. ¡°The look from Sara¡¯s that day. It was the same as Mom¡¯s when she died. Dad, Sara¡¯s got mom¡¯s sickness and it¡¯s gone now, yeah? But It¡¯ll come back. So just fucking tell me how to save her when it comes back. I saw her today, she was so happy to see me. It made realize that Sara is exactly like Mom. I need to be there for her, I can''t be out of her life anymore.¡±


    He looks at his hands for a while. ¡°I think there isn¡¯t anything you can do,¡± he sighs. ¡°I think the only thing I regret,¡± he pauses again. ¡°The night she died, that was the night I decided to be selfish. Angelica asked me to stay and watch your kids, but I went ahead to get drinks with some friends. I guess, I thought one night was fine. It ate me up inside. I¡¯m sorry,¡± and for the first time, I believe him.


    I arrive at the church where I¡¯m supposed to be at. Soran steps out of the car first. ¡°You okay?¡± he asks when I get out. I look around and get the eerie feeling I¡¯m being watched. It wouldn¡¯t surprise me.


    ¡°Just fine.¡±


    Everyone has just about taken their seats. Emily and Jerrica reserved the front seats just for us but they aren¡¯t there yet. Soran comments on how they¡¯re probably with the bride. Two minutes later the thing starts. The groom comes in then the bride. Emily and Jerrica sneak their way in by the side, away from the camera¡¯s and people¡¯s eyesight.  Jerrica notices me and mouths out to me, ¡°What happened?¡± all worried.


    ¡°I went to see my Dad,¡± I answer after the ceremony.


    ¡°What why?!¡±


    I shrug. ¡°I¡¯ll tell you more about it tomorrow. Today is about celebration.¡±


    ¡°Hmm, okay¡­¡± She says unsure of herself. But that¡¯s fine, It¡¯s only natural that she¡¯s worried. And that¡¯s fine as long as she accepts that today isn¡¯t a good day to talk about it.


    But fuck, weddings are such a bummer. I¡¯m usually able to stand them for a couple of songs but today for some reason I can only last one. I go outside the reception ball for a smoke break. I go back in, dance a song with Jerrica, meet some of her family and go back outside for a smoke break. I go in, eat with Jerrica, Emily, and Soran, make jokes, laugh and then go back outside for a smoke break. Soran comes out, asks for a smoke and tells me that a lot of people are talking about my manners.


    These weddings man, they bum me out. Weddings should be grand, filled with all sorts of fun shit. Fuck these slow dancing, and just talking for a reception. For our wedding, I¡¯m choreographing a duo dance for me and Jer. It¡¯s been difficult to get the moves to fit with the overall pace of the song but it¡¯s getting there. The way I have it pictured in my head looks fucking amazing. I think about how I would never even think about that three years ago. But so much has happened, and all I can say now is that Jerrica saved me. She saved me, there isn¡¯t any other way to put that.


    Jerrica still needs to know what I am. It wouldn¡¯t be fair to her to never know what I¡¯ve done. I think about telling her all the time. I think about how she will leave me when I do.


    ¡°You should stop smoking. I don¡¯t like ash flavored kisses,¡± she whines then smiles during a dance.


    ¡°It¡¯s an ongoing process, babe.¡±


    ¡°Yeah, I know. And thanks again¡­ I know it¡¯s hard on you making all these changes for me,¡± she says kissing me.


    Everyone freaks for all of the sudden and there are gasps everywhere. We can¡¯t see anything but the whispers around us say that some guy is having a heart attack. I push people out of the way so I can get the view.


    Some fat guy on the floor clutching his heart and his wife is freaking the fuck out. ¡°That¡¯s no way to go,¡± I say to myself. Everyone around me is freaking out, but not me. I guess I¡¯m more fucked up than I thought. I¡¯ve seen people die way too much, maybe I was the cause of some of them too. Either way, I don¡¯t feel anything for this fat piece of shit.


    Cody once told me that everyone deserves to die either smiling or singing. ¡°On my deathbed, I¡¯m going out singing,¡± he said. I never understood Cody for saying that; with a big wide smile on his face. It was as if everything else didn¡¯t matter.


    I guess if I were to die I would want to die with a smile on my face too.


    I have seen too much death in my life. My mentor was killed in front of me. I killed someone for something as little over 100 dollars. Shit, even Elizabeth killed for Lyle. It¡¯s a fucked up thing. I¡¯m just too much of a fuck up to live a good life. It¡¯s the ghost that keeps haunting me and it¡¯s catching up to me quick.


    Jerrica finds me and gasps when she sees what I¡¯m seeing. We get to leave early because of it.


    ¡°I feel awful,¡± Jerrica says on the drive back home. ¡°I hope nothing like that ruins our wedding.¡±


    ¡°The universe is a random thing, Jerbear.¡±


    ¡°It¡¯s just- I never seen someone die before. I¡¯m not going to sleep tonight, I just know it.¡±


    ¡°You¡¯ll get used to it?¡± Look over to the heavy rain that¡¯s falling down on my window. It¡¯s nothing but tenebrosity.


    ¡°Andy?¡±


    ¡°Yeah?¡±


    ¡°Is everything okay?¡±

 Chapter 40: Take the Free Fall

    Chris VI


    Where do we go when we sleep?


    Where do we go when you¡¯re trapped in your own personal hell? Winter takes the warm away. Spring just brings rain. Summer took away our friend and Fall took what¡¯s sane away. Graceful says there¡¯s no hell harsher than a memory. What she means is we often dwell on what was good rather than looking forward to what could be better. I can¡¯t say I disagree. She also says that imagining an afterlife is just a way to mend a broken heart.


    She talks a lot; doesn¡¯t really leave me alone it seems.


    ¡°Are you ready?¡± She says loading up the pipe. ¡°Just relax, it¡¯ll probably feel like hours but it¡¯ll be quick just a few minutes.¡±


    ¡°Yeah, I know what DMT does.¡±


    Graceful laughs, ¡°Right, Mr. Genius. Whenever you¡¯re ready,¡± She says handing me a pipe and lighter.


    If I do this, will you see what I¡¯ll see? Will you take the dive with me or will you still stay as the outside perspective? Sometimes I wish you could talk back, tell me something I don¡¯t know. Will this help?


    I take a deep breath as the sound of rain overpowers the gazebo we¡¯re under. It¡¯s like the rain is piercing through and it¡¯ll destroy the ceiling at any moment. I light up the pipe, I smell plastic and it¡¯s unlike anything I ever smoked. My lungs start to melt and I almost cough. I let go.


    Something explodes.


    I take a second.


    Something collapses.


    I take a third.


    I¡¯m ripped out of my body and launched into outer space. Everything starts to shake so violently it feels like the universe is splitting into space. The earth disappears as I¡¯m now traveling through a tunnel and I¡¯m hearing a train. Then nothing. It¡¯s just nothingness.


    Nothingness doesn¡¯t exist


    But it does.


    I¡¯m just a child and the nothingness explodes again. I¡¯m falling. No, I¡¯m being swallowed. No, I am falling and there¡¯s nothing but geometry shapes in a kaleidoscope. Binary codes start to appear in front of me, then music appears. It¡¯s almost angelic. I can¡¯t describe it. I¡¯m losing my mind. I¡¯m dying. Is this death?


    No.


    I¡¯m seeing the future again. It¡¯s just like the dreams I had about that night three years ago. This time I¡¯m seeing everything. It¡¯s raining hard, almost too hard. It¡¯s as the rain itself feels like bricks falling down. Everyone is outside the abandoned house where we held the party Elizabeth died at. Emily is on the ground, bleeding from her stomach. Sara is shot dead in the head next to her. Cody is crawling towards them, having two bullet holes in his chest. I¡¯m on the other side of him, my throat slit. I¡¯m dead too. Emily''s sister, Jerrica is on the ground next to me crying. It looks like she¡¯s been cut up. There¡¯s another girl with her with a hole right in between her eyes. Finally, in front of everyone is Andrew kneeling on the ground to Lyle. He¡¯s barely hanging on to consciousness. The only one missing from the picture is Grace.


    Andrew starts to laugh then spits on Lyle. Nothing else happens but his throat being stabbed.


    I¡¯m seeing the future, aren¡¯t I? This is destined to happen. This is soon. Too Soon. Everything goes white.


    ¡°You¡¯re here early,¡± A voice says. It¡¯s feminine, warming.


    ¡°Where am I?¡±


    I stand in front of an empty field filled with nothing but flowers. There¡¯s no sky, no sun. Everything is swallowed by a hue of a creamy navy blue color that shifts in shade constantly. The entity in front of me is almost formless. It¡¯s faceless. It¡¯s just energy. ¡°Where is not the right question.¡±


    Everything becomes clear in my mind, ¡°Who are you?¡±


    ¡°Who is not the right question.¡±Unauthorized use of content: if you find this story on Amazon, report the violation.


    It¡¯s not why, or when, or what. I see myself standing in front of this entity now. Is that how I look? I¡¯m just a child playing a part.


    ¡°Yes,¡± The entity says. ¡°And you should not concern yourself with the outside perspective. You should not concern yourself with you.¡±


    What?


    ¡°Here let me show you,¡± The entity shoots a beam right through me. My body starts to disintegrate and I watch as it disappears yet I¡¯m still here. No. I is not the it. Transcendence happens. Eternity is here.


    Life itself exists in its current state to prevent a tragedy.


    The being called Chris Larsen is supposed to follow the flow of time to help the world fulfill its purpose. He spent so much time wondering about the intricacies of life and for what? It was just time wasted. Things could have been better if Chris just used his gift. Almost nobody is born destined in their life. And those who are destined in their life, it takes an absurd amount of will to change it. Elizabeth was one of those people. I¡¯m destined to die now because she changed her fate.


    There¡¯s something more.


    ¡°Do you get it now?¡±


    I¡¯m back in this world again. ¡°Yes.¡±


    ¡°Then you understand it is not your time.¡±


    ¡°Yes.¡±


    I¡¯m shot again through the beam the entity shoots again. This time it put me back into a tunnel well. I see every single star, nebula, world and all the magic of space. Everything is back to shapes as I¡¯m stuck in this space while birds chirp and fly by.


    I hear the rain again.


    I¡¯m back to my seat inside the gazebo. Graceful is holding my hand. My body feels weightless. I can¡¯t.


    I can¡¯t remember what happened.


    All I remember is my lungs melting and my head exploding. There was nothing but white. Did you see what happened?


    Huh. Why am I talking to myself?


    ¡°You okay?¡± Graceful asks, letting go of my hand.


    I look around and make sure everything is still here. Everything is still the same. The rain is still falling, the world is still quiet. ¡°What happened?¡±


    ¡°Nothing, you tripped out. How was it?¡±


    It was just whiteness. Why can¡¯t I remember? ¡°Where do you even get DMT that easily?¡±


    ¡°My brother is pretty handy when it comes to stuff like that. C¡¯mon dude, how did it go? You all better?¡±


    ¡°I don¡¯t know. I don¡¯t know what happened.¡±


    Graceful laughs, ¡°Yeah, that¡¯ll happen.¡±


    I don¡¯t feel any different. What about you? Do you remember what happened? Shit, I almost forgot about you. Am I better? Did doing more drugs help me out of my cage? It¡¯s too early to tell. I¡¯m still talking to you so I find that unlikely.


    ¡°I feel empty, but not in a bad way.¡±


    ¡°Clear Headed?¡±


    ¡°Yeah.¡±


    ¡°Good.¡±


    ¡°Just listen to whatever talked to you. You¡¯ll follow the correct path soon enough.¡±


    ¡°How do you know?¡±


    Graceful shrugs, ¡°I don¡¯t. But it¡¯s better to have that hope than to live life thinking there isn¡¯t any purpose. Tell me, what¡¯s got you so worried about reality? Does a tree make a sound when it falls if no one is around to hear it?¡±


    ¡°No. We interpret the vibrations of the tree falling as sound. If nothing is around, it is just vibration.¡±


    ¡°Sound a little like that cage you¡¯re trapped in. Reality works the same way, no?¡±


    ¡°Are you saying that my reality is just that? Mine?¡±


    ¡°I¡¯m saying it¡¯s yours to experience.¡±


    Is she right? Of course, she¡¯s right. I knew all about it for a while. Except it¡¯s a lot harder in practice than in paper. I¡¯m just stuck in the same place, this isn¡¯t helping. My mind is trapped inside itself. How can you help something that can¡¯t be helped?


    ¡°What I¡¯m saying-¡± she pauses then laughs. ¡°Shit I forgot who I¡¯m talking to. Chris-¡± Graceful holds my hand. It¡¯s warm. ¡°You say nothing matters so why does it hurt?¡±


    ¡°Hurt?¡±


    Graceful smiles. There¡¯s such warmth behind it that something in me breaks. It¡¯s a new feeling and an odd one. I don¡¯t know what it is. ¡°Yes, hurt. Tell me again, the night your friend died. You said you could''ve stopped her from getting her gun, that you just watched her do it. I don¡¯t believe that what really happened?¡±


    That night? Three years ago? ¡°I was smoking a blunt outside. She ran up to the car where she had her purse. Elizabeth was staring at the gun. I stared back and let her walk inside.¡±


    ¡°Think carefully, Chris. Don¡¯t let your sadness cloud your guilt,¡± Graceful says softly, almost like a mother. She wipes her thumb under my eyes and I see that they¡¯re wet. I¡¯m crying?


    Why am I cry-


    Shit.


    I didn¡¯t stare at Elizabeth that night. I didn¡¯t let her walk in with the gun. I''ve just been telling myself that so I can feel less guilty about what happened. ¡°I walked up to her after looking away at first, asked her what she was going to do.¡±


    ¡°What did she say?¡±


    ¡°She started to laugh. Said she was going to change this town. I told her it was a stupid idea and it¡¯s better to use it on herself. ¡®Great Idea, Don¡¯t tell anyone,¡¯ she said.¡±


    ¡°Chris-¡±


    ¡°She said she couldn¡¯t live with herself and what she¡¯s done.¡±


    That¡¯s right. I told her her death is the road to awe.


    I remember now. The thing I saw. It takes an incredible amount of will to change destiny. Elizabeth was never supposed to die.


    There¡¯s only rain now.

 Chapter 41: Besides Words

    Grace VI


    Felix stands me up. He said that his business meeting is going to run all day. That¡¯s okay though, I decided to spend the day with Liz instead. Mom and Sara are home, and Liz¡¯s parents are too so we hang out at the park even though it¡¯s raining. It¡¯s a perfect place to smoke, under a gazebo and hidden away by the rain.


    ¡°I can¡¯t believe we just went through the entire year without making an embarrassment of ourselves,¡± She says. ¡°Jenny is such a mess.¡±


    ¡°Well I mean, there¡¯s always Theo¡¯s party tonight,¡± I say exhaling the smoke. ¡°Maybe it¡¯s a good time to barf on Peter.¡±


    ¡°Still holding that grudge?¡±


    ¡°Until the day I die.¡±


    I pass the pipe to my best friend and watch her inhale but not exhaling. She coughs when she tries to speak, ¡°Maybe you should actually just fuck him this time. Everyone already thinks you did.¡±


    ¡°I should have done a lot of things, Liz. Besides, Peter¡¯s an asshole. He always acts like he can do whatever he wants.¡±


    ¡°Well yeah, he¡¯s hot.¡±


    ¡°Yeah well, he sucks at getting hard.¡±


    Liz laughs. ¡°You should have put him on blast, maybe it would have knocked him down a peg.¡±


    ¡°It¡¯s not really worth it. Besides, it wouldn¡¯t work,¡± I say getting the pipe back from Liz. I smoke up. ¡°Hey, you think what they say it¡¯s true? That high school doesn¡¯t matter after it¡¯s over.¡±


    ¡°Well, IDK. Maybe. Why?¡±


    ¡°I¡¯m just thinking about it, is all.¡±


    Thinking is all I have been doing lately. I don¡¯t even know what about lately. My mind¡¯s been all over the place. The rain feels like it''s been drowning the world. The world feels like it¡¯s ending.


    Sara keeps telling me that all of this popularity fades away through time. However, I think it¡¯s easy to keep it. All I have to do is even get even more Instagram famous. I¡¯ll become an influencer and keep being a bad bitch. But is that even what I want?


    What do I want?


    ¡°Should I go to Theo¡¯s?¡±


    ¡°Wait, you¡¯re not?¡±


    I shake my head. ¡°Nah, I¡¯m thinking that I should stay home. Y¡¯know, maybe chill out for a bit.¡±


    Liz almost snorts, ¡°Grace Ciotta not going to Theo Masterson¡¯s party? That¡¯ll be a scandal.¡±


    ¡°Or maybe it¡¯ll be a diss.¡±


    I take another hit of the pipe and feel the full force of the high I¡¯m getting. There¡¯s nothing but rain and this Gazebo. The world doesn¡¯t really seem to exist besides this place. Liz gets a call. By the tone of her voice, I just assume it¡¯s her mother. I don¡¯t pay much attention to it while I check my phone. There¡¯s some major shit going on with Emily according to Sara. Last night was a weird night. I wonder what could have happened. I text Cody to see if he knows anything.


    ¡°Shit, I gotta go. My mom has to take my sister to the hospital, her fever is going up. Do you want a ride home?¡±


    I shake my head. ¡°It¡¯s fine. I¡¯ll call Sara to pick me up when I¡¯m ready.¡±


    Liz readies her umbrellas and hugs me. ¡°Let me know if you''re coming tonight. Get home safe.¡±


    ¡°You too.¡±


    I stand up and feel the rain with my hand when she leaves. The world does feel like it¡¯s ending. Sometimes, especially today, it feels like there is no future. Fuck, the future. I keep thinking about it. I don¡¯t know how to get a job, make a resume, pay my taxes. I don¡¯t know how politics words, I don¡¯t know how the world works. I don¡¯t know how to have sex, I don¡¯t know how to be honest, I don¡¯t know how to be myself.


    Everything I¡¯ve done in the past was constructed to be something that isn¡¯t me. It¡¯s all plastic. It¡¯s all bullshit.


    It¡¯s not real.


    I¡¯m a nerd, I¡¯m a geek. I like video games, computers, and mathematics. I like to stay at home and read books. I fucking hate going to parties, I hate being drunk. I hate being high on cocaine and ecstasy because all it does is bring out the Grace that I hate. The cool Grace, the fun Grace.


    I hate myself.


    I open up my umbrella and walk down the path of the park. At another Gazebo, I spot Chris sitting alone on top of the table. He¡¯s still wearing that green parka of his. I haven¡¯t seen him since he was committed. I thought he wouldn''t come out anymore.


    ¡°Chris?¡± I call to him.


    He looks up. He still looks the same as if he hasn¡¯t aged. ¡°Hey,¡± he says like we¡¯re still friends.


    ¡°What are you doing here by yourself?¡±


    Chris looks around and smiles, ¡°I can honestly ask you the same.¡±Stolen from its original source, this story is not meant to be on Amazon; report any sightings.


    ¡°I was hanging out with a friend. She left to go see her sister at the hospital.¡±


    ¡°My friend left too. She had to pick up her kid from the babysitter. It¡¯s good to see you, I¡¯ve been thinking you¡¯ve stopped existing.¡±


    I wonder if he¡¯s gotten any better, well I mean he has to be better. He¡¯s outside and doing something at least. Still, it¡¯s good to see a familiar face. Chris always has something interesting to say, something to think about. ¡°Alive and well as much as anybody else,¡± I joke. ¡°How you been?¡±


    ¡°Lost,¡± he says somberly. ¡°But strangely clear-headed.¡±


    ¡°Huh.¡±


    ¡°You okay?¡±


    Strangely, there¡¯s a silence in the air. The rain seems to disappear. I see it, but it makes no noise. ¡°Yeah, I guess,¡± I lie. I don¡¯t know anymore.


    Chris stands up from his seat. ¡°I can tell when you¡¯re lying. Did you know fear can control your heart? I recently found that out, like, an hour ago.¡±


    I almost laugh, ¡°So what am I supposed to do?¡±


    ¡°You let go.¡±


    -


    I think about what Chris told me earlier in the day. It¡¯s all I can really think about while I nurse a red cup of beer at Theo¡¯s party. One of the guys wants me to do a shot but I¡¯m too cool for that. I look around for Liz but she¡¯s nowhere to be found. I spot Ren talking to two other girls and I decide I should head over there.


    A guy bumps into me and says, ¡°Oh sorry,¡±


    ¡°It¡¯s fine.¡±


    ¡°Oh, you¡¯re Grace Ciotta!¡± The guy says like he¡¯s surprised to see me. I had never seen him before.


    ¡°You know me?¡±


    ¡°Well yeah, everyone knows how you are.¡±


    Of course. If you¡¯re famous in one school, you¡¯re famous in all of them. ¡°And you are?¡±


    ¡°Sabastian, uh Garcia. I go to Mount Si?¡±


    I laugh, ¡°Right, because everyone is so cool at Mount Si,¡± I say sarcastically, ¡°Leave me alone, I¡¯m busy.¡± I tell him before I head over to Ren and her friends.


    We find ourselves in the bathroom so Ren and Ayana can fix their make-up. ¡°I hate my make-up today.¡±


    ¡°Why? It looks good,¡± I tell Ayana.


    ¡°Well, my eyeliner got into my eyeshadow, then into my mascara. It was a mess.¡±


    ¡°I mean, at least you don¡¯t suck at matching your skin tone. I bought this contour the other day, it made me look like such a clown,¡± Ren giggles. ¡°Anyone want a line?¡± She says pulling out a baggie.


    ¡°Don¡¯t you have some ecstasy? I like that better,¡±


    ¡°Where do you guys even get all this shit?¡± I ask. Out of all the times I¡¯ve gotten drugs, I never actually have made a drug deal. I wouldn¡¯t mind doing one, I bet it¡¯ll be cool.


    ¡°There¡¯s this guy in Issaquah. He says he gets it from some big-name drug dealer but who really cares,¡± Ren smirks as she fixes her wing. ¡°All that matters is that it¡¯s in the market again.¡±


    Ayana smacks her lips together, ¡°Anyone seen Liz?¡±


    ¡°Yeah, she¡¯s with Marcus. They¡¯re hitting it off, finally. Probably fucking,¡± Ren laughs.


    I wonder how college is going to be; just mindless parties and getting wasted. Sure, it¡¯s fun but it feels like I¡¯m at one of these twice a week. It¡¯s how it is in Darkwood, everyone throws parties whenever they feel like. It doesn¡¯t matter if there¡¯s school tomorrow, it doesn¡¯t matter if there is something big going on either. We party here. We do it because there is nothing better to do. We live off the high of getting drunk and wasted. We¡¯re unlike any other town in the world.


    And I¡¯m tired of it.


    Once I get tipsy enough, I head outside to catch some fresh air. The rain has slowed down to the point where it¡¯s just a drizzle and I don¡¯t have to worry about getting soaked. I came here with Ayana so I didn¡¯t even realize where Theo lives. He¡¯s right across Emily¡¯s house.


    I¡¯m even more surprised to see two people getting out of a car that pulls up to the driveway. It¡¯s Emily and her boyfriend. I watch Emily open the front door and the two head inside. They must be back from the wedding, no doubt.


    ¡°Hey Grace, What are you doing out here?¡± A voice says from behind me. It¡¯s Theo. I should be the one asking that question, he¡¯s the host of the party after all.


    ¡°Oh, just a breather.¡±


    ¡°Ah, well thanks for coming. Liz told me you weren¡¯t.¡±


    ¡°Would it matter if I didn¡¯t?¡±


    ¡°Uh, well yeah? I mean, you¡¯re like the coolest person here.¡±


    ¡°So I been told,¡± I chuckle. ¡°Don''t you think it¡¯s weird?¡±


    ¡°What is?¡±


    ¡°That we still care about who¡¯s cool and who''s not? I mean other schools in Seattle, they¡¯re all about progressiveness and inclusivity. We¡¯re not. All we care about is who is the most fun around.¡±


    ¡°I think you¡¯re overthinking it, Grace,¡± Theo laughs. ¡°The world just moves around us, we just like to take advantage of it.¡±


    ¡°What about you? Do you let the world move around you?¡±


    ¡°Hey, whatever gets me by. You okay?¡±


    ¡°Yeah, just fine. How about you get me another drink, mine¡¯s empty,¡± I tell him, handing him my cup.


    ¡°Yeah, sure,¡± Theo complies and heads inside.


    The world moves around me, huh? I guess Theo¡¯s right. Everything that has ever happened has been out of my control. There are very few times where I actually got to say what I wanted to happen. I have no control.


    That¡¯s exactly what Chris told me.


    That¡¯s why I need to let go.


    I sit down on the pavement and stare in front of me. I¡¯m so lost. I¡¯m so scared.


    Emily opens the front door to her house and rushes over to her car. She¡¯s frantic and searching for something. There¡¯s something off about her. I want to head over and talk to her. Maybe she can say something to ease my mind. But I don¡¯t have to. She notices me and starts to walk over.


    ¡°What are you doing here?¡± She asks. I look over to the house I just left. There¡¯s faint music playing inside. ¡°Oh, right,¡± she laughs nervously. ¡°Why aren¡¯t you inside?¡±


    ¡°I don¡¯t know. It feels like I¡¯m suffocating in there.¡±


    Emily sits down next to me. Emily, my first friend, the one who told me I deserve to move past the suicide. ¡°Yeah, I feel the same way right now? What¡¯s going on?¡±


    ¡°Who knows. Lately, I¡¯ve been thinking about the future. Like I don¡¯t know what too once I move out of this town.¡±


    ¡°What about the future?¡±


    I sigh. ¡°I don¡¯t know. I feel like I did everything wrong. I played a character, got everything I wanted and now I see that it wasn¡¯t what I needed. I have been trying so hard to prepare but it keeps going backward.¡±


    ¡°The pants don¡¯t fit anymore, huh?¡±


    I giggle, ¡°What?¡±


    ¡°I mean, you¡¯re not the same person now than who you were. You¡¯ve grown, Gracie. It¡¯s okay to change how you see the world.¡±


    I look at Emily. She¡¯s still the prettiest person I know. Tonight though, she¡¯s been crying. Her eyes are a bit wet and red. ¡°I¡¯m glad you¡¯re back. It hurt how you cut us all out just like that.¡±


    Emily frowns, ¡°I¡¯m not back. I hate it here. Nothing ever good happens. I¡¯m sorry for just leaving, Grace, but it was the best thing I could do.¡±


    ¡°Oh.¡±


    ¡°But I think the way things are going now, I¡¯m starting to doubt that myself.¡±


    ¡°You okay?¡±


    ¡°No,¡± She chuckles but it felt like a cry for help.


    ¡°No one¡¯s really okay.¡±


    Emily holds my hand.

 Chapter 42: Here for you

    Chris: Final


    July 17th, 2016


    Cody sits down next to me in his newly built treehouse. He¡¯s tangling his leg over the entrance¡¯s age. He stares at the treelines I¡¯m staring at. ¡°So what do you think?¡±


    ¡°It¡¯s good. How much did this cost you?¡±


    ¡°Probably more than I should have,¡± He chuckles. ¡°This rain man. I always loved it but now? It¡¯s kind of bumming me out.¡±


    ¡°Do you want to talk about it?¡±


    Cody just stares off in the distance then checks his phone. The rain is drizzling but they say it¡¯ll get heavy again. ¡°Why?¡±


    Cody is hurting again. He¡¯s been in guilt over sleeping with Emily two nights ago. He¡¯s been trying to get a hold of her ever since but she¡¯s been ghosting him. I mean I get it. He messed up and doesn¡¯t know what to do. It¡¯s like how I am.


    ¡°It¡¯s good to talk about things.¡±


    Cody scoffs, ¡°Man, we haven¡¯t hung out in forever and the first thing you want to talk about is my feelings?¡±


    I laugh, ¡°No, dumbass. What happened? I just want to understand. I thought Emily hated us, why would she sleep with you?¡±


    Cody shrugs, ¡°I was really drunk, she got a little drunk, I don¡¯t know. It just happened.¡±


    ¡°What happened after?¡±


    ¡°She threw up the moment she woke up and realized where she was,¡± Cody laughs. ¡°She didn¡¯t say a word to me before she left.¡±


    ¡°I¡¯m sorry.¡±


    Cody chuckles, lightly shoving me, ¡°Look at you, since when did you get all talkative?¡±


    ¡°I met a friend,¡± I smile. Yeah, I just smiled. ¡°Her name is Graceful Farrigan. She¡¯s been helping me see the world differently.¡±


    ¡°Oh yeah?¡±


    ¡°I don¡¯t know. Lately, it feels like I broke through something. As if I forgot something I needed to forget. She gets inside my head like that.¡±


    ¡°Sounds like you should kiss her,¡± Cody chuckles.


    I just shake my head. ¡°She has a nine-year-old kid.¡± Through Cody¡¯s laughter, I hear the rustling of leaves down below us. He doesn¡¯t notice who just arrived. ¡°You want to know something she said to me that I¡¯ve been thinking about?¡±Support creative writers by reading their stories on Royal Road, not stolen versions.


    ¡°Shoot.¡±


    ¡°We¡¯re the hands controlling the strings of our destinies. I¡¯m going to head out now,¡± I say adjusting myself to climb down the Treehouse.


    ¡°What? Why?¡± Cody tilts his head in confusion, ¡°I should add a ramp,¡± he says to himself.


    Once I¡¯m on the soft ground I look up to Cody then at the person who just arrived. ¡°It¡¯s good to see you again, Emily.¡±


    Emily smiles back, ¡°Yeah it is, you look well. You''re leaving?¡± Her eyes are red and irritated. What happened between Cody and her hasn¡¯t been easy on her either.


    I nod, then look back up. Cody still hasn¡¯t noticed. He¡¯s too busy humming to himself while he stares at the treeline. ¡°Good luck,¡±


    ¡°Thanks,¡± she says with her arms crossed.


    ¡°Cody!¡± I yell at him. Once I grab his attention he immediately stands up. That¡¯s when I decide it¡¯s a good time to leave. It¡¯s better if I¡¯m not involved in this.


    Nearby the little open field where the Treehouse sits, there¡¯s a creek that¡¯s been expanding thanks to the heavy rain over the past few days. It¡¯s almost like a river now. I stand on a large boulder that cliffs the creek. I think about what Graceful would want me to do right now.


    She would say, ¡°jump in!¡±


    It¡¯s all about letting go. Letting go of your insecurities, your doubts, your flaws. It¡¯s about letting go of the self that is scared. So what if I''m supposed to die tonight? So what if I¡¯m trapped in my own mind? I¡¯m not scared anymore. If there is anything I could do it is to defy destiny. Elizabeth did it, why can¡¯t I?


    I jump in.


    I float on top of the water and observe the grey sky above me. Thought is the enemy. This river is freezing my body but that¡¯s okay. We all travel down the same river seeing the world that we will never see again. We were taught to believe that the river moves straight. We set expectations and goals. We have desires and an illusion that we control our fates. In reality, the river¡¯s nature is to twist and turn. There is an illusion that we all float down our own river. Yet no one stops and sees that each person is in the same stream.


    I see now that we as humanity can be free.


    Life is not independent but instead, it''s connected in the intricate piece of infinity. I¡¯m not isolated from the world even though it feels like it. I see the hurt. I see the struggle and cries as a dull knife is trying to cut through.


    The skies clear up for a bit and I see the naked blue.


    I hear the shouts of my friend. I can hear the cry from my other friend. They¡¯re hurting together, unable to see how fast they are drowning in the river. They haven¡¯t learned how to properly swim together. Yet, it soon stops.


    -


    I open my eyes to the sound of the roaring thunder above my head. Everything is dark and I¡¯m unable to see where the creek meets the ground. My body feels like it''s pruning away. I finally get up from the water as the lightning lights the night enough to see where I can go.


    The rain feels like bee stings each time it hits my bare skin. It¡¯s even harder to traverse through the wet ground which is almost all mud at this point. I wander around, lost but it¡¯s okay. I¡¯ll find my way out eventually.


    With each lightning strike, I¡¯m able to familiarize myself with my surroundings. A big one comes. It¡¯s so close that the thunder makes my ears start to ring. The flash is enough to show me where I¡¯m at. I walk forward to where I¡¯m supposed to be.


    The LED lights from the abandoned house shine through. I¡¯m here, aren¡¯t I? I can already see everyone inside. Everyone is here, even Lyle.


    Destiny. Only very few people are born without free will. Elizabeth was one of them. Somehow, through her own desperation or sheer will, she changed it. I was destined to help the world. When she died, she changed my fate to this very moment. This here, this now is everything that was shown to me by the deity that talked to me.


    We all die here.


    Fuck that. I¡¯m in control.

 Chapter 43: Woven from the Gossamer

    Andrew: Final


    I''m awoken by the shouting of Emily and Soran. My suspicions have been confirmed, Emily just couldn¡¯t stay away. I guess she was just waiting until the wedding was over. I hear Soran shut the front door while I walk over to the bathroom to take a piss.


    ¡°Emily you¡¯re such a fucking idiot!¡± Jerrica yells down the hallway. I spot Emily storming off into her room and slamming the door. Jerrica meets me as I walk out of the bathroom. ¡°How can you just wake up? Jesus, can you believe her?¡±


    I just shrug. ¡°What happened?¡± I ask but it¡¯s just courtesy.


    Jerrica leads me back to her room. ¡°She cheated on Soran. With Cody. I can¡¯t fucking believe her.¡±


    ¡°Oh, I knew that,¡± I say jumping back into bed.


    ¡°What?!¡±


    ¡°Yeah, you can read it all over her face last night. I¡¯m surprised you didn¡¯t notice.¡± But yeah, Emily is an idiot. Soran¡¯s a cool guy, bummer I¡¯ll probably won¡¯t see him any time soon.


    ¡°Why didn¡¯t you say anything?¡±


    ¡°Wasn¡¯t my place. It being a wedding and all, y¡¯ know?¡±


    Jerrica jumps on top of me and lands on my chest. I wince and grab her waist to pull her down. ¡°You¡¯re an idiot, Andy,¡± she giggles. ¡°Listen, I know you were going to spend the day with your sister, but can I come too? I would rather not deal with Emily today.¡±


    I kiss my fiance in the forehead. ¡°She wouldn¡¯t mind, but don¡¯t you think Emily needs her sister right now?¡±


    ¡°What do you mean?¡±


    ¡°I mean you told me to be there for my sister all those years ago, now it¡¯s your turn. She¡¯s hurting. Emily needs you.¡±


    Jerrica gets up from my arms and sits on the edge of the bed. ¡°I know. It¡¯s just-she really pissed me off. She messed up. Ems needs to sit and think about what she did.¡±


    ¡°Fine, but be there for her tomorrow.¡±


    Listen to me. I¡¯m being the voice of reason for once. I truly wonder how I would feel about myself if I knew I was going to be here three years ago. Love is a messed up thing. It changed me. I¡¯m still wondering if this is something I want. I¡¯ve gone soft. Jerrica looks at me, and I look at her. For once I feel like I don¡¯t have something to prove. For once it feels like I have a reason to live.


    -


    Virginia is the one who opens the door. Her smile lights up the second she sees me. ¡°Andrew! It¡¯s so good to see you!¡± She says while she hugs me. My mother, I guess I would call her turns her attention to Jerrica. ¡°And you must be Jerrica. Andrew has told me so much about you!¡±


    Jerrica and Virginia hug. ¡°It¡¯s good to finally meet you!¡±


    ¡°Wait, Mom. You knew about Jerrica?!¡± Sara says walking into the frame.


    ¡°Well yeah?¡±


    ¡°How come you never told me?!¡±


    ¡°You never asked,¡± Virginia chuckles. ¡°Come in, come in!¡±


    Virginia has kept the house looking great. No doubt Sara has been helping her out too. ¡°You have such a lovely home. No wonder Andrew decided to stay with you guys.¡± Jerrica notes.


    I hug my sister and say, ¡°Jerrica, don¡¯t flatter her. Now Virginia will never shut up about it when I call.¡±


    ¡°It¡¯s Mom to you, mister.¡±


    ¡°Mom?! I lived with you for a year.¡±


    ¡°And if it wasn¡¯t for me,¡± Virginia points to me and Jerrica and moves her fingers together, ¡°You two wouldn¡¯t have happened,¡± she laughs and Sara joins her.


    ¡°God, I missed this,¡± Sara comments.


    Virginia makes us tea like she always does. She sits down Jerrica and asks her a million questions. At first, it''s mostly about me. After I left the house two years ago, I disappeared for six months because I had to tie up loose ends. The only one I contacted was Virginia, Jerrica, and Cody. I only let her know if I was doing okay but not much else. Virginia is still wondering what I was doing.


    ¡°He was helping out a friend,¡± Jerrica answers.


    Virginia drops it then asks Jerrica a hundred more questions. Eventually, she asks what everyone seems to ask. ¡°Jerrica, when was the day that you knew you were meant to be with Andrew?


    Sara and I look at each other. She bites her lips because I know she¡¯s dying to know as well. Jerrica looks at me and gives me that soft smile she knows I love. ¡°I don¡¯t think there was a day. It¡¯s just something that happened over the course of us being together,¡± Jerrica giggles. ¡°But if you ask Andy when that day was him, it was the day he met me.¡±


    ¡°Shut up!¡± I roll my eyes.


    I know the exact moment. When I first met her, she got under my skin and all I wanted was to fuck her. Once I did, it didn¡¯t feel right. I wanted more. I wanted to know more about her. I spent an entire year just texting her and even that wasn¡¯t enough. I spent that entire year trying to figure out how to go and live in New York. I got scholarships and a job before I even went. Jerrica was my only goal. But still, that wasn¡¯t enough.The tale has been taken without authorization; if you see it on Amazon, report the incident.


    It was at some stupid night a few months ago. We had gotten froyo and Jerrica wanted to walk around Central Park. I just wanted to go home but Jerrica just came from a stressful day at school. I just wanted to make her happy so I complied. There wasn¡¯t a magical moment or anything special happen. Jerrica simply walked ahead of me so she could look down the bridge. Once when she looked back up at me to catch up, that¡¯s when I knew. I wish I could live in that moment forever. There isn¡¯t a moment more special than that very moment that I knew I wanted my life to be with this woman.


    And yet I can¡¯t stop feeling like I don¡¯t deserve her.


    ¡°I¡¯m really happy for you, Andrew,¡± Virginia smiles while she places her chin on her palm. ¡°Thanks for proving my initial doubts about you wrong. You¡¯ve really grown.¡±


    Sara laughs, ¡°What a strange world.¡±


    ¡°Life works in mysterious ways,¡± Jerrica says.


    I hold my fiance¡¯s hand. The doubt starts to creep back in. The ghosts are coming back. ¡°I hate you all,¡± I laugh.


    Once all questions are over, once Virginia is satisfied knowing I¡¯m okay, she lets us go. Sara wants us to go to our mother¡¯s grave before the rain gets too heavy again. Jerrica stays quiet throughout most of the car ride because she knows this time is special to us.


    Mom¡¯s grave is nothing special. It¡¯s never been. Sara knows what Mom was and yet she¡¯s still here. Sara kneels down and feels the gravestone. ¡°I¡¯m sorry you didn¡¯t get the help you needed,¡± she says. Sara stands up and turns to me and Jerrica. ¡°Thanks for coming.¡±


    ¡°Yeah sure.¡±


    Sara shakes her head. ¡°I know we agreed to spend the day together but knowing you¡¯re being taken care of, I¡¯m fine with just the visit, Andrew.¡±


    ¡°You okay? Why are we here again?¡±


    Sara smiles, ¡°Never better,¡± she giggles. ¡°I just wanted Jerrica to know where you¡¯re coming from?¡±


    ¡°Huh?¡± Jerrica and I say simultaneously.


    ¡°Sorry, I¡¯m being weird,¡± Sara laughs nervously. ¡°What I mean, Jerrica is that we didn¡¯t have the best parents. We didn¡¯t have decent parents. It left Andrew to become very angry and I was always afraid there was going to be a day where something will push him too far. I¡¯m just glad that you¡¯re here to show him that life gets better. I¡¯ll be honored to be your in-law.¡±


    Jerrica grins and walks over to hug my sister. I can¡¯t help but frown. I was already pushed too far. I¡¯ve been broken for far too long. Jerrica is just hiding my ghost from me, it¡¯s never going away. Shit, I can smell everything from that day again. I want to throw up.


    I don¡¯t think I can do this.


    -


    We get home so Jerrica can talk to Emily, but she isn¡¯t there. She isn¡¯t responding to her phone either. Emily, she couldn¡¯t do it either. She made her bed and now has to live with it. I made mine three years ago and I still haven¡¯t slept in it.


    Jerrica sits down next to me and pulls up some possible venues she would want on her phone. Everything looks so expensive but hell, it¡¯s worth it, right? ¡°I know we really haven¡¯t talked about it with everything going on but what¡¯s your time frame? I don¡¯t mind getting married this year, but I¡¯ll rather wait until next year. Maybe in spring before all the summer weddings take place.¡±


    ¡°A whole year?¡±


    ¡°Yeah, it¡¯s pretty normal. It gives us plenty of time to plan.¡±


    ¡°Hmm, yeah. I can wait that long.¡±


    ¡°Good,¡± She sighs in relief. Jerrica then pulls out a spreadsheet on her phone. ¡°I couldn¡¯t sleep last night so I spent most of it trying to figure out our budget for everything. Assuming my mom can help out, we can be a little bit lavish.¡±


    I look at the spreadsheet and everything is already planned out. Jesus, Jerrica spent some time on this. All of a sudden it all becomes too real. It¡¯s like she isn¡¯t even double thinking anything. She notices and asks if I¡¯m okay. ¡°I know it¡¯s early, but don¡¯t you think you¡¯re overplanning things already?¡±


    ¡°No? C¡¯mon, it didn¡¯t even take me long. What¡¯s wrong?¡±


    ¡°I uh-¡± Shit. I don¡¯t know what to say. I think back to the wedding last night. That dude died in front of us. It didn¡¯t even phase me but Jerrica wouldn¡¯t stop freaking out about it. She loves me, but she still doesn¡¯t know. ¡°Jerrica, are you sure you want to be with me?¡±


    Jerrica backs off. ¡°Whoa, what do you mean?¡±


    I can see the panic in her. ¡°It¡¯s just, I¡¯m no good.¡± I think about the words Virginia said about me. I think about the words Sara said about me. ¡°I don¡¯t deserve you.¡±


    Jerrica doesn¡¯t say anything and instead holds my hand. She kisses my cheek and says, ¡°Don¡¯t be stupid. You¡¯re my everything.¡±


    ¡°Even though I¡¯m a shithead? I¡¯m hotheaded, I fight, I¡¯m impulsive and reckless?¡±


    ¡°Yes, dummy.¡±


    ¡°Even though I¡¯m a criminal? I¡¯ve sold drugs, I was tied to the biggest gang in the state. Even though I hurt so many people just to amuse myself?¡±


    ¡°And you¡¯re not any of that anymore,¡± Jerrica¡¯s eyes scowl at me. It¡¯s not often she hears me talk like this.


    The ghost comes back with open arms. I have to tell her. ¡°Jerrica, I-¡± I pause, letting go of her hand. ¡°I can¡¯t do this. I¡¯m sorry. I¡¯m too far gone.¡±


    Jerrica backs off again.


    ¡°There¡¯s things that you wouldn¡¯t forgive me about. It¡¯s not fair if I don¡¯t tell you. It¡¯s not fair if I don¡¯t share everything about what I¡¯ve done.¡±


    ¡°Did you cheat on me?¡± Jerrica asks so softly, so scared.


    I shake my head without even looking at her. It hurts to look at her right now. ¡°Back when I was running things for Lyle. I killed someone. I killed someone that didn¡¯t do me any wrong. He just owed a little bit of money and I didn¡¯t care. I think about it almost every day. I felt nothing when I did it; I¡¯m a monster.¡±


    Nothing happens. I wait then nothing happens. I wait and still nothing happens. Jerrica doesn¡¯t move. The world doesn¡¯t move. I just want this to be over. I just want Jerrica to tell me to get out and to never talk to her ever again. I want my sins to finally catch up to and give me everything I deserve. I could never make it right, I was a fool for thinking I could just ignore it for the rest of my life.


    But nothing happens.


    Instead, Jerrica lifts my chin so I¡¯m forced to look at her. She wipes away the tears and pulls my head to her chest. ¡°It¡¯s okay,¡± she says softly.


    ¡°Wha-?¡±


    ¡°Shh,¡± she hums. ¡°Andy, it¡¯s okay.¡±


    I try to pull away but Jerrica doesn¡¯t let me. My body goes limp and I feel the tears coming out faster. What is this? Jerrica isn¡¯t letting me go. I don¡¯t get it. Is this woman really that thickheaded?


    ¡°Do you want to know what¡¯s the best thing about you, Andy?¡± Jerrica says, letting me go so I can face her. ¡°It¡¯s the fact that you¡¯re so strong. Stronger than you know. I know it took everything in you to tell me that. It¡¯s been killing you inside, hasn¡¯t it?¡±


    I wipe away the tears that I can. ¡°I don¡¯t understand. What are you doing? I¡¯m not who you think I am. I¡¯m too far gone.¡±


    Jerrica smiles, ¡°You¡¯re so strong that you don¡¯t even realize your own strength. Yet we found the one thing you¡¯re not strong enough to face,¡± she holds my hand. ¡°I¡¯ll say you¡¯re pretty lucky to have someone who can help you be strong enough to face it.¡±


    I look at Jerrica. No, she¡¯s not just Jerrica. She¡¯s my girl, my fiance. She¡¯s my everything. I look at her now and she¡¯s never been more beautiful. She¡¯s so gorgeous that she shines so bright she might as well be the sun. Everything goes away. It¡¯s just me and Jerrica in the darkness. The ghost that surrounds me starts to fade away. I¡¯ve endured so much. She still stands next to me. Jerrica isn¡¯t leaving. She¡¯s accepting me and my ghost.


    Jerrica¡¯s lips are soft as always.

 Chapter 44: A Sleepy Story for Morning Glories

    Sara: Final


    I wake up with that dread that always seems to follow me. Depression isn¡¯t something you can¡¯t really ever get over. We can endure it and mask it, but it¡¯ll never go away. It¡¯s been a while since I woke up feeling like this.


    By the time I¡¯m truly up, Grace has already gone out for the day and Andrew is on his way with Jerrica. Andrew is truly happy, I can tell just by the way his energy feels when he enters the house. He¡¯s calm which is something new. Jerrica is truly the best thing to ever happen to him. My mom can¡¯t help but probe her with hundreds of questions about my brother. She thinks of him as a son just as I¡¯m her daughter. This moment is all I could want. Maybe now, it¡¯ll happen more often.


    Once we¡¯re free, I make Andrew take us to our biological mother¡¯s grave. I make sure I thank Jerrica for loving my brother with the love he deserves. He¡¯s been fighting for so long that I thought his soul wouldn¡¯t be saved in time. Knowing he¡¯s in good hands gives me the drive to put a smile on my face. And as much as I would like to spend the entire day with my brother, I have something I have to do for myself.


    Freyja had invited me for lunch with her parents the day prior. I¡¯ve only had lunch with them a handful of times, each one a bit less awkward than the last. But this time it¡¯s different. I¡¯m not feeling my best and Freyja¡¯s father is dying. My anxiety is too high.


    Freyja greets me at her door with her mother. Her mom is the most accepting of our sexuality. She doesn¡¯t fully understand it, but she tries her best. It¡¯s been a while since I¡¯ve seen her that I almost had forgotten that this is how Freyja will look when we¡¯re older.


    Inside the living room is her father. He¡¯s lost his hair and skin complexion. I feel bad. When Freyja and I first started dating, he blamed his cancer on our relationship. The only reason why he came around was that we accidentally had a heart to heart when we talked in his church. He saw I wasn¡¯t so awful. He never accepted our relationship and only tolerated it. It made any time we talked uncomfortable.


    ¡°Sara, it''s great to see you!¡± He greets me with a hug.


    Freyja is just as surprised as I am. ¡°It¡¯s good to see you again,¡± I reply as Freyja¡¯s father gently lets me go. ¡°I hope things are well,¡± Shit. That was stupid of me to say.


    He just smiles, ¡°All is well, now.¡±


    We sit down at the dining table. Freyja¡¯s mother has made some Italian-style lasagna that has me foaming in the mouth. I notice that Freyja¡¯s brother isn¡¯t with us but I guess Alex has better things to do.


    I get to catch up on the lives of the Elledge family. Alex is going to Seattle University while Freyja stays to tend the church. Freyja herself is transferring to the University of Washington but she tells me she¡¯s taking an off-year to stay home. Freyja¡¯s parents are currently looking for a Minister to replace Finn.


    It¡¯s weird. They¡¯re acting like Finn isn¡¯t dying. I feel bad for being a bit uncomfortable. There¡¯s not even talk about our relationship. It¡¯s almost as normal for them now. I don¡¯t like it. Freyja looks at me and smiles and it assures me that everything is okay.


    And that¡¯s part of the problem. All families have their issues, I know this. The Elledge¡¯s are seemingly the perfect family. Besides Freyja¡¯s sexuality, they all get along just fine. Even now it seems like it¡¯s no issue at all. It¡¯s the family I always wanted growing up. A mother who understands me and cares for me even though we might disagree on things. A father who guides me and makes sure I stand strong.


    Instead, I got a mother who was plagued by her own darkness and took it out on me. Instead, I got a father who stopped caring to the point where he decided to rape me. Now they¡¯re both gone and I got a new family. I will always have Virginia and she selflessly decided to fill both of the roles I desperately needed. That thought alone puts the dread away for now.


    Freyja¡¯s father, Finn, pulls me aside while I get up to get a glass of water during a movie we decided to watch. He leans against the kitchen counter and says, ¡°Y¡¯know, it¡¯s been a crazy year but I¡¯m glad you¡¯re here.¡±


    ¡°So am I.¡±


    ¡°No, I mean. I¡¯m glad you¡¯re giving another shot with my daughter. She deserves to have a light after I¡¯m gone.¡±


    I barely manage to stop the water from overflowing by the faucet. ¡°So you¡¯re not mad?¡±


    Finn chuckles and shakes his head. ¡°I¡¯m the one who pushed Freyja to come and visit you. To win you back. Of course, she won¡¯t tell you this. It¡¯s just a hard time for all of us right now.¡±


    ¡°What changed your mind?¡±The tale has been illicitly lifted; should you spot it on Amazon, report the violation.


    ¡°God,¡± he says so sincerely. ¡°You were right.¡±


    I remember the words I told him two years ago. I told him that God would want us to be happy and that it didn¡¯t matter with who. ¡°Oh.¡±


    ¡°Can you make a promise to a dying man? All I want is Freyja¡¯s happiness and it¡¯s clear to me that you¡¯re that person.¡±


    That¡¯s all I want too, but, ¡°I can¡¯t promise that. I don¡¯t just want to be someone who is just there to be used like a tool. I¡¯m a person too.¡±


    ¡°I understand, but, Sara, a relationship takes the work of two. Freyja will also be there in your time of need. Was she not when you two first met? I think the two of you are strongest together.¡±


    Those words hit hard. It¡¯s approval to find that light I continuously chase. I think about my mom again. I¡¯m the same as her. She couldn¡¯t find solace in my father or her children. I¡¯m afraid the same thing will happen to me.


    But wouldn¡¯t it just make me as weak as her if I didn¡¯t try?


    I have to try.


    If I don¡¯t, what''s the point of living?


    ¡°I¡¯ll try my best,¡± I say, finally taking a drink.


    Finn smiles and I follow him back into the living room where we continue to watch the movie. I sit next to Freyja and she takes hold of my hand. Her mother notices and smiles.


    This is it, right? This is what I¡¯ve been fighting for. Even though being here is a bit uncomfortable it¡¯s just because I¡¯m not used to it. This is home. Everything I fought for has led me here. It led me back to Freyja. Everything I endured. All the abuse I put up with. Even when I ran away, even when I tried to commit suicide. Even when I was being held captive by Lyle and he tried to turn me into one of his little playthings. Even through all the hardships and struggles, I¡¯m still here.


    I¡¯m alive.


    ¡°Are you okay?¡± Freyja whispers to me, wiping away a tear from my eye.


    ¡°Yeah,¡± I smile, ¡°just fine.¡±


    -


    But things aren¡¯t fine. Somewhere along the night, I get an odd text from Grace. She¡¯s asking me to come to pick her up. It isn¡¯t like her as she¡¯s borrowing Virginia¡¯s car today. It¡¯s the first I ask before I even think about getting up from the couch. Besides, it¡¯s pouring outside but Grace sends another text. She tells me that it broke down and it¡¯s better to deal with it tomorrow.


    I let Freyja know but she wants to come with. We excuse ourselves from her home and get in my car. I start it up while I wait for Grace to tell me where she¡¯s at. A minute later, she texts that she¡¯s at the abandoned house where my brother threw the party that changed everyone¡¯s lives. What¡¯s she doing over there?


    ¡°The abandoned house?¡± Freyja also asks. ¡°Isn¡¯t that where-¡±


    ¡°Yeah,¡± I cut her off. I don¡¯t think she¡¯s ever been there. Freyja was so devastated by Elizabeth¡¯s death. I wonder how things would have turned out if she was at the party, to begin with. ¡°She¡¯s probably just smoking with her friends.¡±


    The rain is incredibly violent tonight. As I drive through the night road the wipers can barely keep up with the rain. It¡¯s so hard to see. ¡°Slow down,¡± Freyja tells me.


    I don¡¯t know. Something doesn¡¯t feel right about this. I pull over for a second and text my brother. I tell him where I¡¯m going in case anything happens. The energy in the air; it feels wrong. I have a really bad feeling. This never happens. I don¡¯t know why I¡¯m feeling like this.


    My brother texts back telling me to be careful and that he loves me. This isn¡¯t like him either.


    ¡°Hey, Sara?¡±


    ¡°Yeah?¡±


    ¡°What did my dad talk to you about?¡±


    The street lights disappear as I turn into the dirt road that leads to the abandoned house. Everything becomes pitch black. ¡°He wanted me to be there for you, that¡¯s it.¡±


    Freyja smiles at me, ¡°It feels a little weird, doesn¡¯t it? So much has happened over the weekend,¡± She giggles.


    ¡°Yeah,¡± I chuckle back. ¡°But I¡¯m glad. Some things are just meant to happen.¡±


    Eventually, the car¡¯s light reaches the abandoned house. There¡¯s light coming from it. In the driveway, I spot Virginia¡¯s car. The ominous energy around me gets even stronger. It¡¯s almost supernatural how heavy it feels. Maybe it is supernatural. Freyja doesn¡¯t feel it, but I do.


    ¡°I don¡¯t like this,¡± I tell her.


    ¡°Just text her to come out.¡±


    Right. I shoot the text but nothing happens. Grace doesn¡¯t come out. After a few more minutes I try calling her but it goes straight to voicemail. I get even more anxious. I wait and wait but Grace never comes out. ¡°Come on, let''s go see what¡¯s holding her up.¡±


    I open the door and the rain becomes twice as loud the second I do. It¡¯s so damn loud that it almost hurts. Under our umbrellas, we walk towards the house. The air around me gets heavier and heavier with each step I take.


    I¡¯m also reminded of the last time I was here. I remember all the drugs I would do just to feel something. I remember having to put on a charade of being straight just because I thought Andrew would hate me. There are red cups scattered throughout the driveway. Even three years later, kids are still using this spot to throw their parties.


    I had so much fun here. Something is liberating about being able to do whatever I wanted without a care of what it did to me. I think Elizabeth called me the bleeding Snow White because she caught my nose bleeding from all the coke I¡¯ve done that night. But that isn¡¯t me anymore. It hasn¡¯t been me for a very long time now. I¡¯m different now.


    I¡¯m stronger.


    I reach the front door and I don¡¯t hear anybody. Maybe it¡¯s because the rain is just too loud but I¡¯m too anxious to believe that. I open the door and realize why everything felt so off about this. There isn¡¯t any escape now. Three years of trying to forget just aren¡¯t enough. The past will always catch up to you.


    Three years is also enough time to remember what happened. Three years is enough time to know his voice, his face and his goals. He told me it all. He¡¯s a monster who wants to bring out the worst in people so he can make them ¡®his¡¯. I was almost one of them. A chance to be somebody, a chance to have power. It was a chance to be free from my demons. It was all a lie.


    And now I¡¯m staring at the barrel of his gun.

 Chapter 45: And Yet It Moves

    Cody: Final


    I step out of my Muay Thai class completely exhausted. When I turn on my phone I have a message from Chris. I look back at the building and wonder if this is all worth it. I had to get stronger. I didn¡¯t want what happened three years ago to ever happen again. It¡¯s why I¡¯ve been learning to fight. Still, even knowing everything I do know, what good would that do against a gun? I keep mine under the car seat now. Sure, it¡¯s illegal and probably is a murder weapon, but it¡¯s better in my hands. I even asked my dad to teach me how to shoot over the years. I had to be prepared for anything.


    I just wasn¡¯t prepared for Emily to come back. I wasn¡¯t prepared for my own selfish desire to want her back. I wasn¡¯t prepared for her to feel the same way. That night, I kept replaying it in my head. I was drunk and she wasn¡¯t. Or at least not at the same level I was. She wanted it more than I did. I asked her what it was in the morning and I didn¡¯t get an answer. Emily did something wrong, I don¡¯t blame her. It¡¯s now Sunday and she still isn¡¯t talking to me. I wonder what must be going on in her head.


    I stop by my house to say hi to my parents. I only find my father home. ¡°Can you pick up your mother for me?¡± He asks me. ¡°I¡¯m fixing her car today so I don¡¯t really have the time¡±


    ¡°Yeah, sure. Where is she?¡±


    ¡°The church. Service is over in ten minutes.¡±


    ¡°Mom goes to church?¡±


    My father chuckles, ¡°She started going a few months ago. It helps her be at peace so it¡¯s whatever.¡±


    I leave the house I grew up in as fast as I arrived. I never really been to the town¡¯s church. I always passed by it and never paid much thought to it. Up close, it¡¯s a lot bigger than I thought it should be. How does a small town have such a big church?


    I wait outside my car for my mom to come out. There¡¯s no church bell but people start to come out. Mom never comes out so I text her. Instead, someone else comes out. She notices me and starts walking over to me.


    ¡°You¡¯re Cody, right?¡± She says. It¡¯s Elizabeth¡¯s mom. What¡¯s she doing here? Last I heard, she left Darkwood after her daughter¡¯s death.


    ¡°Yeah, and you are-¡±


    ¡°Elizabeth¡¯s mom, yeah. I¡¯m Eleine. It¡¯s good to meet you,¡± She says extending her hand out to me.


    I take it, ¡°Yeah, same here. What are you doing here? I heard you moved out.¡±


    Eleine shakes her head once, ¡°I moved back last year. There¡¯s just something wrong with trying to run away from your problems. I heard a lot about you from Elizabeth, Cody. Thanks for being there for her.¡±


    My mood worsens. I didn¡¯t want to think about Elizabeth today. ¡°Yeah, I¡¯m sorry I couldn¡¯t do more.¡±


    Elizabeth¡¯s mother gives me a warm smile. ¡°I bet you blame yourself, didn¡¯t you? Well, you shouldn¡¯t. Elizabeth was just a victim of neglect.¡±


    I don¡¯t say anything. There wasn¡¯t a day where I didn¡¯t think about what went wrong. A lot of things went wrong. A lot of things were out of my control. I accepted all of this already. But shit, seeing her mom now. It brings back a lot of regrets. Eleine barely looks like her daughter. Elizabeth never did get along with her. Eleine went on a trip to Spain that summer. She wanted Elizabeth to come with her. Elizabeth didn¡¯t want to go because she didn¡¯t like her step-dad. If she did go, none of this would have happened. I never really thought about how much Eleine has been going through.


    ¡°Y¡¯know. I thought a lot about things over the past four years,¡± she says. ¡°I looked so hard to put the blame on anything I could. I had a lot of hatred in my heart but I think, in the end, there wasn¡¯t anyone to blame. It¡¯s just how things worked out. Don¡¯t let it plague your mind.¡±


    ¡°No one to blame? That doesn¡¯t make sense,¡± I almost scoff.


    ¡°I¡¯m sure you don¡¯t understand, but, there¡¯s no point in being angry about things that can¡¯t be changed. It¡¯s good that I met you here today, Cody. Elizabeth was right to praise you. You have a good energy around you.¡±


    ¡°Oh, uh, thank you.¡±


    ¡°I just think you¡¯re misguided. Elizabeth told me you try too hard not to care. Is that still true?¡±


    ¡°I¡¯m not sure. Is it bad?¡±


    ¡°Maybe,¡± Eleine laughs. ¡°It really depends if you think it is.¡±


    ¡°You¡¯re really cryptic, you know?¡±


    Eleine smiles. ¡°I have to get going. It was good to meet you, Cody. And thanks again, for trying. I¡¯m sure Elizabeth doesn¡¯t hold any hatred of you.¡±


    ¡°Yeah, uh, It was good to meet you too.¡±


    Eleine excuses herself and steps out of the picture. A minute after she does, my mom steps out of the church. She apologizes and explains she was held up talking with the minister. I drop my mom home and head over to the treehouse where Chris is waiting for me.


    As I walk through the woods, the rain starts to become heavy again. I think about Eleine. I don¡¯t know why she was being so cryptic. Her words made it seem like she was evaluating me but her tone was too nice. She¡¯s a strange one.


    I find Chris with his feet dangling outside of the entrance to the treehouse. It¡¯s been a while since he even left his house. I gotta say, he looks good. For once he isn¡¯t wearing his green parka. ¡°I¡¯m surprised you finished the treehouse,¡± he greets me.


    ¡°Why surprised? I said I¡¯ll do it.¡±


    Chris shrugs as I sit next to him. ¡°I just didn¡¯t think it meant anything to you anymore.¡±


    It doesn¡¯t. At least not anymore. It¡¯s just a remnant of the past that should¡¯ve stayed dead. I only finished it because it was halfway done and it would be a waste if I didn¡¯t. Besides, someone else will one day find it and call it home. ¡°It¡¯ll mean something for someone else. What are you doing out here anyway? I thought you didn¡¯t leave the house.¡±


    ¡°I¡¯m learning to get better. I¡¯m not thinking about things that much anymore. It¡¯s good.¡±


    ¡°Oh yeah?¡±


    ¡°I sent in the answer of the Riemann Hypothesis to MIT. They¡¯re flying me in next week. They want to ¡®talk¡¯¡± Chris laughs. I don¡¯t know what he¡¯s talking about. It¡¯s good that he¡¯s still doing things he likes. ¡°I want to go there and study. There¡¯s this thing I want to study.¡±


    ¡°And what¡¯s that?¡±


    ¡°Back when Lyle wanted me to re-engineer Winter, I noticed that if it¡¯s modified correctly, you¡¯re able to see the electromagnetic waves of all living things. What if you¡¯re able to extract that and use it as an energy source?¡±


    ¡°And you think that¡¯s possible?¡±This content has been unlawfully taken from Royal Road; report any instances of this story if found elsewhere.


    Chris shrugs, ¡°I have a feeling that somethings are actually supernatural and it¡¯s possible to find more.¡±


    I stand up and laugh. ¡°Shit, well I¡¯m glad you¡¯re taking steps towards the future.¡± I look around the empty treehouse. Emily would have all the polaroids she could here. I wish she would just contact me and tell me what she¡¯s thinking.  ¡°It¡¯s not like doing anything. I¡¯m supposed to go on tour soon and I¡¯m over here fucking around with a treehouse. So what do you think?¡± I sit back down.


    -


    Chris gets my attention. Finally, Emily¡¯s here. I watch Chris take his leave and then I focus my attention back to Emily as she climbs the treehouse. Her eyes are red and she hasn¡¯t bothered to get ready for the day.


    ¡°Hey,¡± she says weakly.


    ¡°Hey,¡± I say back, taking a step back to give her space.


    ¡°The treehouse is impressive. It looks good, way bigger than I thought it would be.¡±


    ¡°Thanks.¡±


    Emily doesn¡¯t say anything and just looks away. ¡°Sorry I didn¡¯t talk to you yesterday. I had a wedding I had to go to.¡±


    ¡°It¡¯s alright, I get it.¡±


    ¡°Soran left me.¡±


    ¡°I¡¯m sorry.¡± I want to hold her and make her feel okay, but is that really the right thing to do now? ¡°How are you holding up?¡±


    ¡°Not great,¡± she laughs nervously. ¡°But I guess you got what you wanted. You win.¡±


    ¡°Win? Ems, I didn¡¯t want to win.¡±


    ¡°Then what did you want? Why did you sing that song?¡±


    ¡°I don¡¯t know. I missed you, I was hurting. What was I supposed to do? It¡¯s my outlet.¡±


    Emily walks past me and feels the wood on the wall. ¡°Did you mean it? The song I mean. Do you still mean it?¡±


    I look out the entrance. I don¡¯t know. We ran into each other on Friday and it just brought all the unresolved feelings I had. I want her back, but is it even possible? We¡¯re supposed to be that unlikely childhood love story that never happens. ¡°Ems, what do you want me to say?¡±


    Emily turns around, ¡°If I tell you that then it wouldn¡¯t count. It¡¯ll be fake. Cody, just tell me.¡±


    ¡°No. You¡¯re trying to put the blame on me. I didn¡¯t come back. I didn¡¯t drink with you. I didn¡¯t follow you home and I didn¡¯t kiss you. You did all that. That¡¯s what you wanted.¡±


    She knows I¡¯m right. I can tell by the tears falling from her face. I hate it when she cries. I never want to make her cry. ¡°So what?! I¡¯m a piece of shit?! Is that it?!¡±


    ¡°No.¡±


    Emily rushes forward and pushes me. I let her. ¡°Fuck you, Cody! You just always have to be better than everyone. Always has to be right!¡±


    ¡°What is wrong with you? Hold yourself accountable.¡±


    Emily pushes me again but I stand my ground this time. She then slaps me. ¡°Fuck you!¡±


    She then tries to slap me again but I catch her hand, ¡°Stop it!¡±


    ¡°Let me go!¡±


    ¡°Will you calm down?!¡±


    Emily tries to tug away but I refuse to let her go. ¡°Then tell me what I¡¯m supposed to do! I lost everything! What the fuck do I do?!¡± Her voice shakes and eventually her body limbs. I catch her before she can fall into the ground. ¡°I¡¯m so lost,¡± she cries. ¡°It¡¯s all my fault.¡±


    I sit her down and sit next to her. ¡°I don¡¯t think there¡¯s anything I can say.¡±


    Emily lays herself down, ¡°Just-just hold me. Please?¡±


    I lay down with her and wrap my arms around her. It¡¯s fucked up. This isn¡¯t how I wanted things. But shit if this doesn¡¯t feel nice. Emily smells the same as always. This is how things should have always been. I drove Emily away. I¡¯ve lost her more times than I should¡¯ve. If this could lead to Emily being in my life again, I¡¯ll take it.


    I hold her. I tell her it¡¯s going to be okay. Emily starts to shiver but her cries start to simmer down. When I was just eight years old, I fell in love with the most beautiful vulture. She would pick my flesh bit by bit until I was left nothing but a skeleton. I fell in love with this vulture who would also replace that skin until there was nothing left but a scarred boy wearing a suit of a man.


    Emily calms down, ¡°Do you love me?¡±


    There isn¡¯t anything to say but, ¡°Yes.¡±


    Right now, everything is fine. This is how tonight is. Emily backs up tighter into my arms. I close my eyes.


    -


    I¡¯m awoken by the harsh sting of sound by the thunder. After the ringing in my ear subsides, everything is being overpowered by the rain. They¡¯re like boulders falling down.


    The sun is setting and Emily¡¯s not around. The sun is setting so I reach over where I keep a portable lamp for light. I don¡¯t think there is a sun to set, but it is getting darker. I turn on the lamp and find Emily standing at the bottom of the treehouse covered by her umbrella. She¡¯s staring at the drowning flowers below.


    ¡°How long have you been up?¡± I ask her once I climb down.


    ¡°Couple of minutes,¡± Emily says. ¡°Can you drive me around? I don¡¯t feel like doing anything else.


    ¡°Okay.¡±


    We walk out of the forest without a word and Ems enters the passenger side of my car herself even though I try to open for her. I start the car and leave the scene. I¡¯m forced to drive slower than usual even more so as it gets darker and darker. It just becomes so hard to see anything. I guess it¡¯s fine, there isn¡¯t anywhere to be. Emily doesn¡¯t say anything and neither do I. I drive around the small town without a word being said. We drive around the town one more time, street my street.


    On the third lap, Emily says, ¡°You¡¯re right.¡±


    ¡°About what?¡±


    ¡°I keep blaming the town¡¯s curse on everything that ever happened to me here. It¡¯s why I didn¡¯t want to come back. But there is no curse, is there? I¡¯m just stupid,¡± She scoffs, ¡°I still had feelings for you and I just wasn¡¯t thinking. I don¡¯t have anyone to blame but myself.¡±


    ¡°Nah,¡± I shake my head. ¡°I had to reignite those feelings, didn¡¯t I? I just wanted you back so bad.¡±


    Emily doesn¡¯t say anything.


    On a red light on Main Street, I say, ¡°This all started because I was pushing you away, didn¡¯t it? The car crash on the bridge, you moving to New York. It all started because I was too scared, too much in guilt.¡±


    ¡°I¡¯m sorry.¡±


    ¡°I¡¯m sorry too.¡±


    The light turns green and we drive around once more. This time everything is pitch black and the hard rain obscures any light coming from the streetlamps. ¡°Do you want to go home?¡± I ask her.


    ¡°No,¡± she sighs. ¡°Not yet.¡±


    Some time passes and we start our fourth lap. ¡°It¡¯s wild that if we didn''t make any of the mistakes we did, in theory, we would be married right now.¡±


    Emily giggles, ¡°Yeah, it was stupid promise anyways. We wouldn¡¯t even be ready. I¡¯m still at school and you got your music to bring up. We¡¯re just setting up and to have that be forced on us? Crazy.¡±


    I look at Emily who¡¯s looking back at me. ¡°Maybe everything happened so our future can be better off soon.¡±


    She smiles, ¡°Yeah, maybe.¡±


    I drive to the edge of town and hit the dirt road. It¡¯s the only place I haven¡¯t driven us through yet. We leave the lights and familiarity. Everything becomes pitch black. There should be nothing here but a few houses. At the end of the road is the abandoned house we found four years ago.


    ¡°When you go back to New York, are you going to disappear again?¡±


    ¡°I don¡¯t know.¡±


    ¡°Yeah,¡± I chuckle, ¡°Thought so.¡±


    ¡°Cody, there¡¯s so much stuff going on right now it¡¯s just-¡±


    ¡°Is that?¡± I interrupt her when I notice there are two cars parked in the abandoned house¡¯s parkway. I only notice it because there¡¯s light coming from the house. Sara¡¯s car is parked right behind Grace¡¯s. ¡°Why are they here?¡±


    ¡°Who?¡±


    ¡°Sara and Grace.¡±


    I take my phone out of my pocket and notice I have some messages from Grace. They all just tell me to come to pick her but it doesn¡¯t sound like her. Sara is here too so why haven¡¯t they left yet? I pull over on the side of the road and start to observe the house. It¡¯s quiet.


    ¡°What¡¯s going on?¡± Emily asks.


    ¡°I don¡¯t know.¡± Nothing else happens after five minutes so everything starts to feel really strange to me. ¡°Stay in the car,¡± I tell Ems as I open the door and pull out my umbrella. After that, I reach for the gun I stole off Elizabeth¡¯s brother all those years ago.


    ¡°Why do you have that?!¡±


    ¡°It¡¯s mine. Look, something¡¯s off, just stay in the car.¡±


    ¡°Cody!¡± Ems yells after I shut the door.


    It¡¯s hard to walk and every step closer to the house just gets heavier. I stop at Sara¡¯s car and look inside. No one¡¯s in here. I move on to Grace¡¯s and it''s the same. I peek through the window of the house and realize it was smart for me to bring the gun.


    Grace is tied up against a wall with duct tape around her mouth. She¡¯s struggling to get free. She doesn¡¯t notice me. I don¡¯t see Sara anywhere. I open the front door with my gun aimed, ready to shoot whoever is behind this. I find Sara and Freyja both tied up on some chairs where I couldn¡¯t see from the window. All three of the girls notice me and only muffle through their covered mouths. They¡¯re glad to see me, but also fearful?


    Why is this happening?¡±


    ¡°Cody! I¡¯m not just gonna let you run  off like that!¡± I hear Emily behind me. ¡°Don¡¯t leave me alone!¡±


    ¡°Emily, leave right now! It¡¯s not saf-¡±


    Something hard and dense hits me on the side of my head. My world becomes black. Shit.

 Chapter 46: Y Se Mueve

    Emily: Final


    Soran looks down on the floor, then back at me without a word. There was only one thing that could make things worse and it happened yesterday. This day was going to happen regardless of how long I delayed it. All the madness caused me to sleep in until noon. Now Soran is trying to process everything. Jerrica¡¯s in the kitchen making food, Andrew is still sleeping. My father is out with our uncle to continue their celebration. I¡¯m alone with the only man I know who¡¯s right for me, and it terrifies me.


    ¡°When did you find out?¡±


    ¡°Right before the reception¡­¡±


    Soran hugs my continuously breaking body. It breaks me even more that I don¡¯t have the guts to tell him that I cheated on him. What the fuck was I even thinking back then.


    Cody seemed to be doing so well. He looked happy and content where he was. Did I take that for an advantage because I¡¯m a selfish person? I¡¯m not a good person. The feelings for Cody will never fade away. Even now when I know Soran is everything I ever wanted, I still want more.


    ¡°It¡¯s okay. When we get home, we can find out what happened. Emily, I know you¡¯re scared but trust me, we can handle this.¡± Soran always has that assuring voice that makes me feel everything will be okay. I don¡¯t know if I need that right now.


    ¡°What if something¡¯s wrong with me?¡±


    ¡°Nothing is wrong with you, Emily?¡±


    But I know that¡¯s a lie. There¡¯s a lot wrong with me. My body is weak and frail. I know the miscarriage yesterday wasn¡¯t going to be the first. My body just won¡¯t ever be able to handle a kid. Even now I¡¯m barely recovering from my weakened state. I look like I¡¯m anorexic and haven¡¯t slept for days. I let people manipulate me and make me do things I don¡¯t want. I fall for my own emotions and get into my head when it happens. How can you possibly say there¡¯s nothing wrong with me, Soran?


    But I still smile, because that¡¯s all I can do.


    ¡°It¡¯s going to be okay,¡± Soran says once again.


    Soran leaves me alone for a moment to go to the kitchen. During that time, I text Sara telling her everything that happened last night. I need to talk to Cody too. If I see Cody now, I don¡¯t know what I¡¯ll do.


    Then Jerrica comes into my room wondering what was going on with me before the wedding. I make sure I lock the room before I try to tell her everything.


    I care for Cody. I spent 3 years trying to convince myself otherwise. He¡¯s still the same sweet guy I knew all those years ago. But times change and I¡¯m not in love with him anymore, or at least I don¡¯t think I do. I do know that Soran is the one I love. I get butterflies each time he smiles at me. My heart grows twice as big every time he kisses me and I can¡¯t imagine my world without him anymore.


    But that was the same situation with Cody when I was a kid. I thought life was impossible without him but I lived every day since. All broken hearts require is time to heal. Time is the best medicine in life. Laughter is only a painkiller, it doesn¡¯t solve anything.


    My second option is to keep it all a secret and hope for the best that way. The only one who knows anything besides me is Cody and I know he¡¯ll never tell anyone. He regrets it as much as I do. Maybe that¡¯s a sign that he doesn¡¯t want me. He told me straight up that he can¡¯t be friends with me.


    Years ago I told him I can¡¯t love him.


    Cody isn¡¯t running away from me anymore. He¡¯s taking a stand on what he knows the best outcome for both of us is. Yeah, that must be it. I think I know that now. I need to tell Soran. I love him more. He has proven this to me already.


    I just don¡¯t know how to tell him.


    ¡°Ems,¡± My sister repeats herself.


    ¡°Yeah,¡± I finally respond. ¡°What¡¯s up?¡±


    ¡°You¡¯re spacing out again. I thought you were done with that,¡± she laughs. ¡°Something on your mind.¡±


    I shake my head. ¡°I¡¯m just reminiscing about living here when we were kids. We weren¡¯t really that happy, huh?¡±


    Jerrica sits next to me on the bed and laughs, ¡°Yeah the divorce was pretty bad. But things got better, didn¡¯t they? Everything did once you did.¡±


    ¡°Well besides my sister moving thousands of miles away, yeah I guess. I wonder how things would be different if I left with you.¡±


    Jerrica chuckles, ¡°We wouldn¡¯t have the cool life we live now. I wouldn¡¯t have met Andrew, and you probably wouldn¡¯t have met Soran.¡±


    ¡°Crazy¡­¡± I sigh.


    ¡°But why think of it? It¡¯s not like we can change the past. Things are fine the way there are, no?¡±


    I shake my head, still staring at the ceiling. ¡°What if they¡¯re not?¡±


    ¡°What do you mean?¡±


    I tell her everything. I can¡¯t hold it in anymore. Everything I want to say comes out in full. The cheating, the betrayal, the guilt, the drinking and the bathroom. Everything comes out. I leave no detail behind.


    My sister has always been a great listener. It¡¯s part of the reason why she¡¯s becoming a lawyer. She doesn¡¯t speak until she¡¯s done and even then she let me breathe. ¡°Is that what happened?¡± She asks.


    I nod as I exhale a hot air balloon. It feels good to let it all out. My reality shifts back to normal and I don¡¯t feel any anxiety anymore. It¡¯s as the tilted world corrected itself.


    ¡°I¡¯m sorry¡­Emily-¡± is all she says and then gets up and walks away.


    ¡°Jerrica!¡±


    What the fuck? I thought she¡¯s suppose to help me.


    The world is tilted again. I¡¯m unable to concentrate on anything else as time passes. I space in and out of my own house and Soran pulls me out.


    ¡°Are you okay?¡± Soran says asking once he comes back in the room. ¡°I know it¡¯s still hard on you, Ems. You don¡¯t have to push yourself. We can go to the doctor and we¡¯ll figure out why you had the miscarriage.¡±


    I shake my head, ¡°No, no, I''m fine,¡± I whisper.


    ¡°I just want to let you know that you¡¯ll never be alone.¡±


    ¡°I know,¡± I give him a fake smile even though I know he can see right through it. Soran frowns the second he does, ¡°I¡¯m just...a little bit lost.¡±


    ¡°Ems, I know you. There¡¯s something more bothering you, isn¡¯t there?¡± Soran holds my hand.


    This is it. This is it. This is it. I don¡¯t want to. I don¡¯t want to. I don¡¯t want to. I love you. I love you. Please don¡¯t be mad. Please don¡¯t leave me. We love each other. This is it.


    My mind jumps back to two years ago, when Soran first said, ¡°I love you.¡±


    A walk inside central park. 8 PM. There was no one around. It was just us. It was just that. It was just¡­


    He talked about how he lost his mother when she was visiting her family in Syria back when the war started. I told him that I was sorry and know how it feels to be alone. I hate being alone.


    ¡°You¡¯ll never be alone again, Emily. I love you.¡±


    Now those words feel meaningless by my actions. Soran¡¯s hand is warm. He¡¯s calm, he¡¯s always calm. It¡¯s hard to get him mad. I¡¯ve only seen it a couple of times. I get him mad. I mean, I used to. I will now.


    This is it.You might be reading a pirated copy. Look for the official release to support the author.


    ¡°Emily, can you please tell me what¡¯s going on?¡±


    ¡°No...no I can¡¯t.¡±


    ¡°Ems, please. Whatever¡¯s going on, we can deal with it.¡±


    ¡°No...no,¡± I¡¯m hyperventilating. It¡¯s been a while since an anxiety attack, years even. ¡°I can¡¯t, I can¡¯t...I can¡¯t breathe.¡±


    ¡°Emily!¡±


    Soran hugs me tight and kisses me to get me to calm down. It never fails, it never has. Only Cody and Soran can do it. Yet I pull back regaining my composure.


    ¡°Soran...I...cheated on you.¡±


    And just like that, everything blows up in my face. My mind shuts down and I just spit out words. I leave my body and observe it as everything starts to crash and fall apart. I don¡¯t even know what I¡¯m saying. I don¡¯t even know what Soran is saying, but he¡¯s yelling. He yells and storms off and I chase him down the house. We yell and yell. There are I¡¯m sorries and curse words. Soran begins packing up his things. I¡¯m desperate and I¡¯m crying. Jerrica is just in the kitchen minding her own business.


    I don¡¯t even know what¡¯s going on anymore.


    I¡¯m lost. I¡¯m an idiot. I¡¯m so fucking stupid. I don¡¯t deserve to be happy.


    I watch as Soran slams the front door. I watch as the love of my life leave because I¡¯m too stupid to control my emotions.


    ¡°Emily, you¡¯re such a fucking idiot!¡± My sister yells at me right before I lock myself in my room.


    I¡¯m alone. Even my own sister probably hates me now. Oh god, I¡¯m alone. I can¡¯t handle this.


    I¡¯ve lived my entire life with someone to count on but now I have no one. I can¡¯t believe I could ever cheat on Soran! What was I even thinking?! That¡¯s right. I wasn¡¯t. I¡¯ve been trying to tell myself over and over that I don¡¯t have feelings for Cody. It¡¯s just a lie I¡¯ve been telling myself so I have a reason to not come back to this town. I hate it here.


    Why did I go back? Why is it that no matter how much time passes, I can¡¯t let him go?


    I wait in the silence until my sister leaves the house with Andrew. No doubt they¡¯re talking about me. I see them take my old car. I need to be strong. I need to face everything I¡¯ve been running away from. It takes me a while to find my old umbrella but once I do, I head out towards his house.


    His mother opens the door. ¡°Oh, Emily! I didn¡¯t expect you to be in town!¡± She is still as young as I remember her.


    ¡°Hi, Kathy, is Cody home?¡±


    She shakes her head, ¡°I think he went to the treehouse with Chris.¡±


    The treehouse? I thought it got destroyed. ¡°Oh, thanks. I¡¯ll head over there.¡±


    ¡°Come by soon, we¡¯ll love to have you over for dinner.¡±


    ¡°Yeah,¡± I say and take my leave towards the forest through my backyard.


    It¡¯s hard to walk through. The small creek I usually have to jump over feels like a river because of the rainfall. I use some of the boulders sticking out of the creek as stepping stone only to land on the muddiest part. I can¡¯t even get this right.


    As expected, I find where the treehouse used to be. There¡¯s no evidence of it ever being here anymore. At most I find the remnants of what I think were the wooden planks but it¡¯s too hard to tell. I walk towards the middle of the open field and see what Kathy was talking about. I always knew the tallest tree in the forest would make a great treehouse, but I never expected one to be here already. Cody must have done this. Why didn¡¯t he tell me?


    I find Chris at the base. He looks so normal now. He gets Cody¡¯s attention for me and leaves. I can feel the intensity of his eyes as I climb up the treehouse.


    ¡°Hey,¡± Fuck, I¡¯m so weak.


    ¡°Hey,¡± He says while taking a step back.


    ¡°The treehouse is impressive. It looks good, way bigger than I thought it would be.¡±


    ¡°Thanks.¡±


    I don¡¯t know what to say. I can¡¯t even look at him. There are so many things I want to get off my chest. Why is being around him so intoxicating? ¡°Sorry I didn¡¯t talk to you yesterday. I had a wedding I had to go to.¡±


    ¡°It¡¯s alright, I get it.¡±


    I have to tell him. If I don¡¯t, what¡¯s the point of me being here. I was pregnant, now I¡¯m not. I cheated on my boyfriend and he left. This is all my fault. It¡¯s his fault too. He just had to sing that stupid song. ¡°Soran left me.¡±


    ¡°I¡¯m sorry. How are you holding up?¡±


    ¡°Not great,¡± I laugh nervously. ¡°But I guess you got what you wanted. You win.¡± After all, this is probably what he wanted all along.


    ¡°Win? Ems, I didn¡¯t want to win.¡±


    ¡°Then what did you want? Why did you sing that song?¡±


    ¡°I don¡¯t know. I missed you, I was hurting. What was I supposed to do? It¡¯s my outlet.¡±


    Cody put in a lot of work into this new treehouse. I can¡¯t help feeling it¡¯s walls. Did he build it for me? ¡°Did you mean it? The song I mean. Do you still mean it?¡±


    ¡°Ems, what do you want me to say?¡± It takes him a while to say.


    I turn around and face him once more. The more time I spend here, the angrier I get. Cody wanted this all along. It¡¯s all his fault. ¡°If I tell you that then it wouldn¡¯t count. It¡¯ll be fake. Cody, just tell me.¡±


    ¡°No. You¡¯re trying to put the blame on me. I didn¡¯t come back. I didn¡¯t drink with you. I didn¡¯t follow you home and I didn¡¯t kiss you. You did all that. That¡¯s what you wanted.¡±


    But he has to call me out. He just has made me face myself. ¡°So what?! I¡¯m a piece of shit?! Is that it?!¡±


    ¡°No.¡±


    I just lose it. I lost it how I lost it this morning. I¡¯m pulled out of my body as I try to hurt him because everything is my fault. I¡¯m not in control again. All I want is for everything to be right again. I watch him as he calls me out once more. He¡¯s right. I¡¯m just so weak.


    I can¡¯t do anything for myself. I need someone to always be with me. I hate being alone. It¡¯s why I let him calm me down and lay me down. It¡¯s why I let him hold me like he used to. I¡¯m so fucking scared of being alone.


    I ask him, ¡°Do you love me?¡±


    And he just responds with a simple, ¡°Yes.¡±


    I remember the moment I found out I was pregnant. I had this entire thing planned out to surprise Soran. Now there¡¯s nothing. I recall last morning where I found the miscarriage. It was nothing more than a real ugly clot of blood death. The image is burned in my mind as I shut my eyes and which for everything to go away.


    -


    I wake up to only the sound of the heavy rain. Cody is asleep as well. I free myself and stand up to only feel nauseous again. He looks so peaceful. I take a look around and wonder again why this place was built. We just couldn¡¯t let each other go, huh?


    At the base, I find the small group of flowers being drowned by the heavy rain. This is how I feel right now. Soran was a midsummer storm to a high drought of sorrows and arrows of seeming light glows. But the pain in my heart did not allow the rain to touch the ground. This midsummer storm did not stand a chance against the burning forest fire that I called myself. I danced as the fires consumed all the flowers and animals all while being showered in rain. It wasn¡¯t until he continued to stay where the rain finally was able to touch the flames. For once in my life, I had this empty jar void of hatred. It felt complete and I gave him that warm washed smile.


    Now drenched with rain the wildflowers started to regrow with new arms raised to the sky. They begged for more until their bones were drowning and the flowers were desperately gasping for air. This is how I felt when we were sitting by his porch watching this midsummer storm slowly approach.


    It wasn¡¯t until he left that this midsummer storm became never-ending. In the destruction of the forest fire, he left me drowned in a flood. There isn''t a me anymore, just the empty shell he carved out when he took whoever I was away. And once again I was shown that nobody ever cared.


    In my desperation, I try to touch one of Cody¡¯s arrows and tried to turn it into something I could hold on too. I pick up as many of the drowned flowers and little animals only to watch them wither and fade away into the neverending nothing of aether. I stop and look around only to realize I was utterly alone.


    Maybe both of them aren¡¯t the right storm for me.


    ¡°How long have you been up?¡± Cody awakens me from my trance.


    I make him drive me around the town so I can have time to think everything over. My entire life I¡¯ve always known someone who will be there for me no matter what. Even now I still have Cody. This dependency makes me weak. Wouldn¡¯t it be better if I learn to stand on my own two feet? Wouldn¡¯t it be better that I learn how to quell my own forest fire?


    Shouldn¡¯t I have a say about my own control in my life?


    I need to be strong for myself. What life can I have if I just cower and fear at the thought of standing alone? I shouldn''t let the jealousy control me like when Elizabeth and Cody were dating. I shouldn¡¯t be petty and try to make Cody jealous by trying to date one of his friends. I shouldn¡¯t be angry and move 2,500 miles away just because things don¡¯t go my way. I shouldn¡¯t abandon my friends just because I happen to be in the wrong place at the wrong time. I shouldn¡¯t cheat on the only person who accepted me for all of these flaws and told me it¡¯s okay to be human.


    But here I am.


    What the point of being alive if everything I do is just about running away. I don¡¯t want to run away anymore. I¡¯m Emily Crowe. When I was eight years old I fell in love with the most sadistic torturer. For the next nine years, he would force me to fall in love with him just so he can leave me all alone. And when I was eight she fell in love with the most caring sympathetic who would never make me feel alone in my world anymore.


    I finally talk to him and we reach an understanding of each other. We can still be friends. We can still be in each other''s lives without it feeling like we want to rip each other¡¯s throats apart. But is it too late? I want to learn how to stand on my own. There are still so many things that I need to take care of. Soran and I aren¡¯t over just yet. I need to talk to him too. If this is the path I need to take, I have to apologize and thank him for showing me there is a world outside this small town.


    Cody stops in the middle of the road. We¡¯re at the place where everything began. The house is lit up. ¡°Why are they here?¡±


    ¡°Who?¡± I ask.


    ¡°Sara and Grace.¡±


    There are two cars parked in the driveway. They really are here. ¡°What¡¯s going on?¡±


    After a short while, Cody tells me to stay in the car as he gets out himself. I watch him pull out a gun from under his seat and I see just how much Cody has changed. Whatever is going on, it¡¯s serious. The gun he has; it looks exactly like the one Lyle had. Cody tells me to stay inside and I finally get what¡¯s happening.


    It¡¯s happening again, isn¡¯t it?


    This time Cody is making sure I¡¯m safe. I watch him disappear in the darkness. No. I¡¯m not gonna allow this to happen again. I get out of the car and run towards the house too. If what I think is going on really is happening, I¡¯m not just going to sit back and watch again. I¡¯ll fight too. My body wants me to run away. Everything inside me is telling me to turn back but I don¡¯t listen. I was shot because I listened to my body last time. I¡¯m not going to be scared anymore.


    I catch up to Cody as soon as he enters the house. ¡°Cody! I¡¯m not just gonna let you run off like that! Don¡¯t leave me alone!¡±


    Cody turns his head, ¡°Emily, leave right now! It¡¯s not saf-¡± He¡¯s hit in the back of the head with a metal baseball bat. My body because rigid as the same gun Cody drops is raised at my head.

 Chapter 47: Petrichor

    Grace VII


    The boba shop is devoid of any customers except for us two but for good reason. The rain is coming down pretty harshly today. It¡¯s no surprise that there¡¯s hardly anyone driving right now. Darkwood is oddly creepy when no one is outside. It¡¯s almost like a ghost town.


    Felix has already finished his drink before I can even get mine halfway. ¡°So what are you going to do?¡± he asks. ¡°Seems to me that you just need a new start.¡±


    ¡°Yeah, I guess,¡± I reply. Felix is the only person who seems to understand what I¡¯m going through. I¡¯ve had this mask on for so long that I¡¯ve forgotten what it means to be a kid. I wanted to grow up so fast that I didn¡¯t stop and ask myself who I really was. Felix gets this. I can trust him.


    ¡°Seems to me this all started with Elizabeth.¡±


    ¡°What do you mean?¡±


    ¡°Like, you were invited to that party by her best friend, right? You thought high school was going to start out strong, you were excited. You went there knowing no one, had a little bit of fun, and then bam, Ellie killed herself in front of you. That¡¯s when everything started.¡±


    A quick flashback of the memory runs through my mind. It¡¯s been so long that I¡¯ve almost forgotten about it. I was bullied so hard because of it. I felt so weak. Even though I made friends through it all, that stigma never went away. It¡¯s why I tried so hard to be popular. I didn¡¯t want to feel that weak ever again. ¡°Yeah, uh, you¡¯re right.¡±


    ¡°Want to go there?¡±


    ¡°Huh?¡±


    ¡°To that abandoned house. Why not go back where it all began to start all over again?¡±


    I laugh a bit, ¡°What good will that do?¡±


    Felix leans back on his chair and crosses his arms. ¡°Sometimes you need to face the things you¡¯re hiding from to start anew.¡±


    The abandoned house? I haven¡¯t been there ever since I met Felix. Everyone likes to throw parties there because it¡¯s so remote. Nobody ever seems to remember what happened there. It¡¯s the only place I ever refused to go. But now I guess it is as good of a time as any. I put on my jacket and stand up. ¡°What are we going to do there anyway?¡±


    ¡°You¡¯ll see,¡± Felix chuckles as I follow him to my car.


    ¡°Yeah, like that isn¡¯t ominous,¡± I laugh.


    It¡¯s hard to drive so I take it slow. No one¡¯s on the roads like I thought but it¡¯s better to be safe than sorry. I turn the right to get to the dirt road that leads into a dead end where the house rests. Four years later and it still looks as creepy as I always found it. It¡¯s a miracle that there¡¯s no legend about it being haunted.


    Felix is the first one to enter. There are some portable lamps and LED lights that are kept here for when anyone throws a party. ¡°Wow, it¡¯s more run down than I thought.¡± There¡¯s randomly scattered throughout the living room. The walls look like they¡¯re falling apart and there¡¯s dust everywhere. Beer cans and red plastic cups litter the floor. Besides the rain, it¡¯s silent and eerie.


    ¡°Well duh,¡± I giggle. ¡°What are we doing here?¡±


    ¡°Have I ever talked to you about my parents?¡± Felix asks, taking a seat in one of the randomly placed chairs around. There¡¯s a metal baseball bat under it.


    I lean back on one of the walls. ¡°No.¡±


    ¡°My father was a politician in this state. A senator to be exact. All I can remember about him is that he was really strict with me. He wasn¡¯t a bad dad, just not, affectionate I guess. I admired him, wanted to be just like him; a leader who wasn¡¯t afraid to take risks. He died when I was six. Murdered I guess.¡±


    ¡°Oh, I¡¯m sorry.¡±


    Felix shakes his head, ¡°It¡¯s alright. They told us it was suicide but as I grew older the more suspect that story felt. Dad was admirable but he had some shady stuff going on. I remember one day he took me to one of his meetings. I expected all men in suits like my dad but everyone was much younger than him. There was this guy there who befriended me and talked to me about how great my dad was. I only remember because he had the clearest and most crystal blue eyes I¡¯ve ever seen. I was too young to understand anything they were talking about. A week later, my dad was found dead at a beach in Bellevue.¡±


    ¡°Was that group who killed him?¡±


    Felix nods, ¡°I think so. After that, my mom moved us to Colorado to live with my grandparents because the pain was too much for her. Mom was pretty kind before that. After that, I don¡¯t know,¡± he sighs. ¡°She would call my sister and me worthless and hurt us sometimes. She treated us like shit.¡±


    ¡°Oh, uh-¡±


    ¡°My sister and I kind of hate our mom now. There was this one, particularly bad night. She beat me so hard that I actually ran away,¡± he chuckles. There¡¯s pain behind it. ¡°I was so broken and just wanted to die already. Imagine being 10 years old and homeless in the streets of Denver.¡±


    ¡°Then what happened?¡±


    ¡°That comes later, Grace,¡± He chuckles again. ¡°Do you know what happened to the house my mom left back home? The mortgage was paid for already and my mom just decided to abandon it.¡±


    Wait he doesn''t mean- ¡°It¡¯s this one, isn¡¯t it?¡±


    Felix nods.


    ¡°Is this why we¡¯re here?¡±


    ¡°Yeah,¡± he sighs. ¡°When I heard that Elizabeth died just a few minutes from here, I just had to come back. It¡¯s why I was there when we first met.¡±


    ¡°I-I didn¡¯t know,¡±


    Felix laughs, ¡°Nobody does, but back to the story. I was found and saved by the most generous man I¡¯ve ever met. My mom always liked to talk about fate and destiny and I never believed her until that moment. The man had the same clear crystal blue eyes as the guy I met years before. It was the same guy. His name was Azul Amadeus.¡±


    Azul Amadeus? I heard that name before but I can¡¯t put my finger on it. I let Felix finish before I ask anything.


    ¡°He taught me how to be strong. Just like how I¡¯ll teach you.¡±


    ¡°How?¡± I can¡¯t let go of that name he just dropped. Azul Amadeus. That¡¯s someone I learned about in school.


    Felix stands up and stretches for a bit. ¡°Not only did he help me, but he also gave me a new identity to live by. I removed my past and became anew.¡±Love what you''re reading? Discover and support the author on the platform they originally published on.


    ¡°Who?¡±


    ¡°Felix Mendelssohn.¡±


    ¡°Felix isn¡¯t your real name?¡± Azul Amadeus. I¡¯m pretty sure that was the leader of that Golden Hearts gang that was killed ten years ago.


    He laughs and then gets a smirk on his face. Felix grabs the metal bat under him. ¡°No. It¡¯s Lyle Farrigan.¡± All I see is Felix charging at me before everything becomes dark.


    -


    I wake up with a throbbing headache that¡¯s almost a migraine. Everything is blurry but it doesn¡¯t take me long to realize that I¡¯m tied against the wall. What¡¯s going on? I can¡¯t even speak. It¡¯s like there¡¯s duct tape around my mouth. My vision becomes stable and I only see Felix standing above me. No, that¡¯s not Felix. He was supposed to be my friend. I trusted him. He knows all my secrets and yet¡­


    Lyle. He¡¯s been Lyle this entire time. I¡¯m such a fucking idiot. The guy who¡¯s been haunting my friends has been in our backyard this entire time. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.¡±


    ¡°Hey now,¡± he chuckles, ¡°Don¡¯t cry. I know you feel pretty betrayed right now, but, that¡¯s just how the world works, Gracie.¡±


    I scream at him but nothing comes out. This is how I die. Holy shit I¡¯m going to die.


    ¡°I¡¯m not gonna hurt you, Grace. Well, not anymore. I told you, you¡¯re going to be reborn here. You¡¯ll be reborn just like I was. I just want you to understand what¡¯s going to happen tonight, that it¡¯s not personal,¡± he says with a smirk. ¡°I¡¯m just fulfilling what destiny has told me to do.¡±


    Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. I can¡¯t believe I trusted him. Sara knows who Felix is. Why didn¡¯t I ever bother to show her who he is? Fuck. Fuck. I¡¯m so fucking stupid. I feel my tears running down the tape and I taste the combination of salt and the nasty plastic. I yell at him again but nothing comes out.


    Lyle takes out my phone and texts someone. ¡°You should have better passcodes. 7676? Shouldn¡¯t have told me your favorite number, less make it your code,¡± he laughs. ¡°And now we wait.¡±


    Lyle knees down and slowly remove the tape from my mouth. ¡°Please, let me go!¡± It is the only thing I can say.


    ¡°Pretty soon, Sara will be coming over. Cody too. Now I expect them to not be alone. Andrew should be coming too, no? Hell, maybe even Chris, let''s get the whole gang together. I¡¯ll finally finish what I should¡¯ve done three years ago.¡±


    ¡°Why are you doing this?!¡± I cry.


    ¡°Didn¡¯t you hear me? I¡¯m giving you a new life. I can¡¯t do that without breaking you first, though. Tonight, all your friends die. It¡¯s not personal, well, my grudge against them is so I guess I¡¯m lying,¡± he smirks.


    ¡°Please!¡±


    ¡°You¡¯re going to be thanking me when the sun rises.¡±


    This isn¡¯t what I want. I was just supposed to be hanging out with my friend. I don¡¯t understand what''s happening. Why is this happening to me? It was supposed to be a good day today.


    The only sound now is the heavy rain outside. I can¡¯t even hear myself cry anymore. Lyle doesn¡¯t say a word to me. He just stares outside the window for someone to come. It¡¯s so dark out that there isn¡¯t any hope of some random bystander noticing that we¡¯re here. We¡¯re in the middle of nowhere.


    He walks towards me. Lyle towers over me as he owns me. Maybe he does. ¡°Don¡¯t blame yourself, Grace,¡± he says to me. ¡°See, this entire night is predestined by the gods of fate herself. When we first met I thought nothing of you. Yet later that day I was told that a scared little girl would fall into my lap and I would raise her into something she hates. Once we ran into each other at the park, I knew what the future held. So don¡¯t blame yourself, you had no say in this.¡±


    I just want to go home.


    ¡°You hate yourself, don¡¯t you? I told you that you shouldn¡¯t feel weak, that you can take control of your own popularity. I made you strong, well-liked, and charming. In the end, what did that get you? Just a self-conscious little girl afraid of the future she tried so hard to reach.¡±


    Just stop it. Just stop it. I don¡¯t want to hear his words. He kneels down and I close my eyes.


    ¡°You¡¯re scared. You¡¯re weak, you never felt more alone. All this pain you¡¯re going to experience in the coming moments, it¡¯ll break you. It¡¯ll haunt you, it will eat you alive. But let me tell you something Grace. That pain is yours. It is yours to own and use to make you strong, stronger than you ever felt.¡± I open my eyes only for him to stand back up and pace back and forth. He approaches me once more, ¡°You will take what¡¯s rightfully yours. You¡¯ll be a force of nature, a wildfire that consumes all that tries to hurt her. The world will be yours.¡±


    And I believe him.


    I close my eyes and ignore everything else he says. I can¡¯t fall for his words. Not anymore. I was turned into something I never wanted.


    Sometime later, the headlights of a car approach. ¡°Looks like your sister¡¯s here first.¡±


    Lyle stands in front of the front door and pulls out a gun from under his jeans and points it directly at the door.


    No! I can¡¯t let this happen! I yell and yell but the only thing that comes out is muffling. Oh my god, please don¡¯t shoot Sara. I close my eyes just because I don¡¯t want to see it. There¡¯s nothing I can do. This is all my fault.


    It¡¯s all my fault.


    I hear the door open, ¡°Nice of you to join us,¡± Lyle says.


    ¡°You! What are you doing here!¡± Sara yells.


    ¡°Oh, you know me, doing what I do best.¡±


    ¡°Sara, what''s going on?!¡± I hear Freyja say. Freyja¡¯s with her too? I open my eyes and see my sister and Freyja completely terrified.


    ¡°Do me a favor? Tie your friend up on that chair over there, Sara,¡± Lyle says pointing to one of the chairs. ¡°Ropes right there. Unless you want to get shot of course.¡±


    Sara complies before noticing me. ¡°Grace!¡± She runs towards me but Lyle stops her.


    ¡°Do what I say.¡±


    She has no choice. ¡°Sorry, I should¡¯ve let you stay at home,¡± she says to Freyja. After Sara finishes tying up Fey, Lyle makes her sit down on the chair next to her. ¡°What are you doing?¡±


    Lyle gets the rope and ties Sara¡¯s hands and feet to the chair. He tightens the rope on Freyja¡¯s as well. ¡°It¡¯s nothing personal with you and the girl, I just have business to do.¡±


    ¡°Andrew knows where I am! You¡¯re not going to get away with this!¡±


    Lyle shuts her up by duct taping her mouth. ¡°Let us go!¡± Fey pleads but Lyle does the same to her.


    He sighs, ¡°You all just don¡¯t get it.¡±


    More time passes. Lyle stands outside with the front door open and just waits.


    I just stare at Sara. She¡¯s looking back at me. She¡¯s not scared. She¡¯s not angry at me. All she¡¯s doing is telling me that everything is going to be okay just with her eyes. I know it¡¯s not. Still, it¡¯s comforting that she¡¯s trying to keep me calm.


    I still don¡¯t understand why this is happening.


    ¡°He¡¯s here,¡± Lyle says, stepping away and closing the door. He picks up the baseball bat and hides away in the other room.


    A few minutes later, Cody opens the door with a gun pointing towards me. We all try to tell him to getaway. He observes the room just like he always does. Someone yells behind him. ¡°Emily, leave right now! it¡¯s not saf-¡±


    Lyle emerges from the other room and whacks him with the bat. Cody wilts and drops the gun. He picks it up and points it at Emily who just arrives. ¡°Shit, you¡¯re alive?¡±


    ¡°You!¡±


    ¡°Pick a chair and sit.¡±


    Emily looks around and sees all of us trying to break free. The fear in her eyes disappears and she listens. Emily calmly sits down on the chair closest to me. Lyle ties her up just like Sara. ¡°So this is how I die?¡±


    ¡°Glad you can follow orders. And you will, sadly, just not yet. I¡¯m more surprised you¡¯re still alive but I guess there was enough time to save you,¡± Lyle chuckles. He picks up Cody¡¯s body and sits him down on one of the free chairs. He ties him up as well just as Cody starts to wake up. ¡°You thought you had something, huh?!¡± Lyle laughs at Cody once he regains full consciousness.


    ¡°You bastard!¡±


    Lyle just laughs. ¡°To think you had Matt¡¯s gun the entire time,¡± he says observing the gun Cody had. ¡°I killed the poor bastard because he lost it.¡±


    I can feel the rage behind Cody¡¯s eyes. ¡°You¡¯re going to die today, you son of a bitch.¡±


    ¡°Pretty sure that¡¯s my line, boy,¡± Lyle says before duct-taping him. ¡°I¡¯m surprised this is going so well. I would have thought I would have to kill one of you by now, but I guess Andrew¡¯s the loose cannon, no?¡±


    -


    More time passes.


    ¡°Lyle, come out you cunt!¡± I heard Andrew yell outside. Even he¡¯s here. I¡¯m glad, but, what good will that do? I¡¯m just getting all my friends killed.


    Lyle scoffs, ¡°The main event is here,¡± he says picking up his own gun and opening the door as he aims. ¡°You should have played this smarter, Andrew! Oh? You didn¡¯t even bring a weapon? Are you stupid?!¡±


    ¡°Not stupid, mate!¡± I heard Andrew yell. ¡°I don¡¯t know what you¡¯re doing here. I don¡¯t know why you have everyone in there but this is between you and me, no?¡±


    ¡°Nah, It¡¯s you, Chris and Cody. After I¡¯m done here, Chris is next.¡±


    ¡°Just stop this shit, yeah?! Nobody has to die!¡±


    Someone sneaks in through the kitchen. She moves slowly and silently. It¡¯s Jerrica with a knife. Even she¡¯s here?! Lyle doesn¡¯t even notice her.


    This is our chance.

 Finale: Lullaby (Part 1)

    Elizabeth IV


    Andrew reads Sara¡¯s text and instantly knows she''s in trouble. There¡¯s no reason why she should be in that house even if it is to pick up Grace. He wonders if he should call the cops just to be safe.


    ¡°What¡¯s wrong?¡± Jerrica asks him. Andrew shows her the text. ¡°If you¡¯re worried, let¡¯s go.¡±


    ¡°I¡¯m going alone,¡± Andrew replies. Maybe it¡¯s nothing, but he can¡¯t help but worry.


    ¡°No. We¡¯re a team. We do things together,¡± Jerrica is adamant. She knows Andrew can handle himself but she¡¯s done letting him be alone.


    Andrew just looks at her and gives in. Jerrica is his partner in crime. He can depend on her for anything, he understands this now. Still, that looming sense of dread only grows larger as the drive to the abandoned house draws to its end. The headlights spot Cody¡¯s car and he decides that it¡¯s better to park a couple of meters behind him. ¡°Jer-bear, call the cops.¡± He says as soon as he gets another text message from Sara. Andrew reads it again and knows it¡¯s Lyle on the other side.


    Jerrica complies and pulls out her phone. Before she types, she asks, ¡°What¡¯s going on?¡±


    ¡°I think Lyle¡¯s here.¡± Jerrica doesn¡¯t say anything and lets the police know what might be going on. Andrew gets out of the car, ¡°Let¡¯s go.¡± He spots the house, has its lights on and a figure walking across one of the windows. Andrew stops and thinks. Not only are Sara and Grace here, but Cody too. If they¡¯re all inside, they¡¯re either being held captive or already dead. But Andrew knows Lyle; he wouldn¡¯t kill anyone just yet. Lyle only kills for a reason or a goal.


    Andrew always knew that Lyle was going to come back to Darkwood, he just didn¡¯t know when. Three years ago, Andrew took his time to get to New York because he had a favor to fulfill. The chains that held him captive were broken in return. To think he had to finish the work that Chris started. Andrew used that opportunity to search for Lyle, but he never did find him. Andrew always knew that Lyle would try to fulfill his so-called ¡®destiny¡¯.


    ¡°Jerrica, go around the back. There¡¯s a sliding door that leads to the kitchen,¡± He gives her the knife he carries. ¡°I¡¯ll draw him out. Stay safe.¡±


    Jerrica observes the knife then nods. ¡°You too,¡± and the two split off.


    Andrew reaches the driveway and tilts his head. ¡°Lyle, come out you cunt!¡±


    Lyle pops his body out of the front door with his gun aimed at Andrew. ¡°You should have played this smarter, Andrew! Oh? You didn¡¯t even bring a weapon? Are you stupid?!¡±


    ¡°Not stupid, mate! I don¡¯t know what you¡¯re doing here. I don¡¯t know why you have everyone in there but this is between you and me, no?¡±


    ¡°Nah, It¡¯s you, Chris and Cody. After I¡¯m done here, Chris is next.¡±


    ¡°Just stop this shit, yeah?! Nobody has to die!¡±


    Meanwhile, Jerrica slides the door open as silently as she can. She crouches down and sneaks her way into the living room. There, she sees exactly what Andrew feared. Sara and Grace are the first to notice her. Grace is at first ecstatic that she might be saved then she realizes how much of a sticky situation everyone is. Sara closes her eyes and waits for the next play. Jerrica puts her index finger over her knife as she starts to cut the rope off Sara¡¯s bondage.


    Andrew stands fearless. He refuses to die here. Andrew stares at the man who haunts him. Lyle is much bigger than before. There¡¯s much more muscle definition and he stands as if he¡¯s untouchable. Andrew knows that he would lose hand to hand.¡°Just leave it now, yeah? Cops are called, you lost mate.¡±


    Lyle just laughs. ¡°You begging for your life?¡±


    Andrew shakes his head. ¡°If I die today, that¡¯s fine by me. To be honest, it¡¯s been long overdue,¡± He refuses to die here. Before he met Jerrica sure, he would be fine with it, but not anymore.


    Lyle shrugs, ¡°Could¡¯ve been friends Andrew, but you proved backstabber just like that bitch Marina.¡±


    Andrew laughs, ¡°She hated you.¡±


    Jerrica manages to untie Sara. The two help out Freyja and Cody. She¡¯s racing against the clock. There¡¯s only a matter of time before Lyle notices. Cody hurries over to Emily and sets her free. Grace is last.


    Emily looks down at her hands and then at Cody while he unties her. She¡¯s calmer than she thought she would be. She should''ve listened and stayed in the car. But that¡¯s too late now. She¡¯s done being afraid, tonight she fights.


    Grace starts to cry again and tries to hold down the noise. She¡¯s grateful the rain is overpowering everything. Her entire world is falling apart. She had so much trust in the man named Felix and all he wanted to do is kill her friends, and for what? She doesn¡¯t know what he means by her rebirth. She just wants the day to be over.


    Sara looks back at Lyle. This is it. Either death catches up to her tonight or she confronts the only demon she never dealt with. She looks over at Freyja who¡¯s trembling with fear. Sara has to live for her. She looks over at Cody and feels the murderous intent in his eyes.


    He can confront Lyle right now. He can tackle him and get the advantage but that isn¡¯t the smart move. Cody has to make sure the girls are safe first. All together they try to sneak into the kitchen to escape out the backyard.


    Lyle thinks about what tonight was supposed to go down. He was supposed to break Grace down to the point where she had nothing else to live. Everyone must die tonight for it¡¯s the vision Marina showed him all those years ago. No, he¡¯s doubting himself. Everything can still happen, it¡¯s just going to be a bit harder than he thinks. Grace will be his by the end of the night. He senses the movements going on behind him.


    ¡°I gotta admit, Andrew,¡± Lyle scoffs, ¡°I didn¡¯t expect this move.¡± Lyle pulls out the second gun and points it inside, but everyone is already in the kitchen. Lyle looks back, realizes this, and shoots the gun aimed at Andrew.


    It misses but Andrew already knows what Lyle is going to do next. He bolts towards him but Lyle has already made his sprint around the house to the backyard. Lyle catches the group off guard and aims Cody¡¯s gun at them, stopping them in their tracks. He points the other at Andrew who just now catches up to him.


    Checkmate.


    ¡°You lose,¡± Lyle smirks.


    This is where Chris finds them. This is where that vision of the future he saw happens. Chris emerges from the forest and walks towards them. He will stop this from happening, he has too. Destiny can change, I proved that. I was never supposed to die. Because of what I did, this is happening.


    ¡°You¡¯re delusional, Lyle,¡± Chris walks into the scene and it grabs everyone¡¯s attention.


    ¡°I knew you¡¯d come,¡± Lyle smirks.


    ¡°You¡¯re not doing shit, tonight.¡±


    The maniac who had control over me just laughs. He looks at the group he¡¯s holding hostage. They¡¯re all terrified except for Cody who just wants to charge in. He¡¯s just waiting for the right moment. ¡°I¡¯m in control, what are you going to do?¡±


    ¡°I¡¯ll tell you where Marina is.¡±Unauthorized usage: this narrative is on Amazon without the author''s consent. Report any sightings.


    ¡°Where is she?!¡± Lyle almost snaps.


    ¡°Chris, no!¡± Andrew yells.


    Lyle looks back to Andrew and Cody sees his chance to charge in. He sprints in and disarms the gun pointed at him before Lyle can react. Andrew sees this and starts to move in but Lyle manages to grab Cody¡¯s arm and twist it hard enough to have him locked. Lyle points the gun to Cody¡¯s head before anyone can move far. Sara and Emily almost get away before they¡¯re stunned at Lyle¡¯s threat. ¡°No one moves! Fuck, why is this so difficult!¡±


    ¡°Just let us go!¡± Grace screams. Her spirit is shattered. She can¡¯t even think anymore.


    ¡°Grace! Is it ever right to escape the bonds and chains of that who holds you captive? It¡¯s only when you control those chains is when you are the free one. People like to live knowing they have the choice to choose. In reality, everything they have ever been, done, and will do has been predetermined by forces beyond comprehension. These are the chains that bind all of us to the illusion of being free.¡±


    Grace hears his words and wonders if it¡¯s true. Was this whole thing unavoidable? Cody looks at Emily and assures her that it''s going to be alright. Andrew scoffs and only cares about getting everyone here to be safe. The plan failed, but it¡¯s not too late. Emily is afraid but she¡¯s ready to fight for her life. She doesn¡¯t believe a word Lyle says. Sara looks at her lover who somehow didn¡¯t get as far as her. Jerrica looks back at Andrew, the two have an understanding of the situation they¡¯re in. Oddly, she isn¡¯t worried.


    Chris looks at Lyle and understands where he is coming from. After all, This is how Chris viewed his life. It was all just an illusion of wee will. But that shadow of a shadow is now broken. Chris snickers.


    ¡°Chris, did Marina ever show you?¡± Lyle asks.


    ¡°Of course. It¡¯s why you¡¯re wrong.¡±


    Andrew scoffs, ¡°I know all about it too, mate. She told me you¡¯ll be back. You really are a sucker for her bullshit. Mate, just because she¡¯s a bit of a freak doesn¡¯t mean she¡¯s divine.¡±


    ¡°What? How do you know?¡±


    No one knows what they¡¯re talking about. Neither do I.


    ¡°You were hunting her down, no? I spent three months helping her hide from you. She showed me. That¡¯s why I know you''re whole destiny shit you always talk is bullshit.¡±


    ¡°What the fuck are you talking about?¡± Cody finally asks for everyone. He feels the cold barrel dig deeper into his temple and closes his eyes.


    ¡°She has a superpower, I guess,¡± Andrew chuckles. ¡°A third eye. She can see things into the future, supposedly.¡±


    ¡°Where! Is! She!?¡±


    Chris knows what happens next. He doesn¡¯t tell him and it forces Lyle to shoot Sara in the head. Cody is going to freak and try to escape but only gets shot twice in the chest. Lyle shoots randomly, hitting Emily in the stomach and Freyja right between the eyes. Grace¡¯s mind breaks and she disappears into the night. Jerrica, Andrew, and Chris charge at Lyle. Jerrica would reach him first and manage to knock away his gun but loses her knife in the process. Lyle steals it and swings it at her, then at Chris slitting his throat. Andrew tries to fight him but just like last time, he is easily overpowered and is put on his knees. This is what¡¯s supposed to happen.


    It doesn¡¯t.


    ¡°She¡¯s living peacefully in Nova Scotia. She goes by Kristy Cotton now,¡± Chris answers. This isn¡¯t enough to change the course of time. ¡°She¡¯s been free from your chains, leave her alone.¡±


    ¡°Perfect! Let¡¯s begin. Watch closely, Grace.¡±


    Cody''s eyes widen as he feels the pressure of this temple loosens a bit. It¡¯s time. Grace looks down on the ground where Lyle had dropped one of his guns. She¡¯s in reach to grab it but isn¡¯t sure if it¡¯s worth it.


    ¡°Cody!¡± Emily screams.


    Cody takes a deep breath. It doesn¡¯t matter if he dies here, he knows Andrew can use this moment to win. Cody rocks his head back to hit Lyle¡¯s head at risk of his life ending at that very moment. It rocks him letting Cody free his arm and push Lyle away. Cody steps forward and grabs Lyle¡¯s wrist and twists it away making him drop the gun.


    ¡°Everyone run, now!¡± Andrew orders everyone.


    Sara grabs Freyja¡¯s arm and the two escape the backyard into their car. Grace panics and stumbles down to the floor right in front of the free gun. Everything starts to make sense for her. She grabs it and doesn¡¯t think. She just sprints towards the forest. Emily stays and watches Cody kick the gun away from Lyle as Andrew punches him in the face.


    ¡°What are you doing?! Leave!¡± Jerrica yells at her.


    ¡°No! I¡¯m not afraid.¡±


    Chris watches and starts to walk forward so everyone can overpower Lyle. Everything changed. He was wrong, the entity was wrong. Marina was wrong. He figures out that there are no chains holding everything back. It¡¯s all chaos.


    Lyle elbows Cody and breaks free from his grasp. He front kicks Andrew away and Chris tries to tackle him to the ground but Lyle just moves out of the way. Jerrica get¡¯s her knife ready and steps forward. Emily doesn¡¯t know how to fight. She doesn¡¯t know how to help but she¡¯ll try either way. Lyle grabs onto Cody''s shoulders and knees him in the stomach and pushes him into Chris. He blocks Andrew¡¯s punch to the face and counts with his own. He punches him in the stomach then again in the face. Jerrica has had enough and steps in as Lyle front kicks Andrew away again. She manages to stab the knife into his arm, Lyle screams but ignores the pain and backhands her causing her to fall. As he pulls the knife out of his arm, Emily runs in and punches him in the fast as hard as she can. It hurts her substantially more than him. Lyle swings the knife at Emily but Cody catches his arm from behind. He kicks the back of Lyle¡¯s knee causing him to kneel and Cody wraps his arms around his neck into a rear neck choke.


    Andrew and Chris recover and both of them take a second to see what¡¯s going on. Andrew sees his fiance on the floor struggling to get up and gets pissed. Cody tightens his grip the moment Lyle starts to laugh. ¡°What¡¯s so funny? You lost, bitch,¡± Andrew smirks.


    ¡°Not yet,¡± Lyle struggles to say.


    ¡°Why did you do this?!¡± Jerrica groans as she gets up. She can taste a bit of iron in her mouth.


    ¡°Ack-You wouldn¡¯t understand.¡±


    ¡°Try me.¡±


    Lyle chuckles as Cody loosens his grip a bit to speak. ¡°My entire business relies on breaking the wills of others and making them my slaves. Half my crew was arrested three years ago, I¡¯m just rebuilding. Grace was just one of the girls I¡¯ve been converting.¡±


    ¡°You¡¯re sick.¡±


    Emily takes a step back. She realizes that this is what he was doing to me all along. Lyle saw that opportunity to break me when I saw someone die in front of me. He used that so I could kill someone.


    ¡°You¡¯re all just children. In order to be the one in control, you must take without asking. Isn¡¯t in our nature to have self-preservation?  To survive you must bring others down.¡±


    ¡°Shut up!¡± Andrew yells.


    ¡°What did you want with Marina anyways?¡± Chris speaks. ¡°Even if she can see in the future, we just proved we¡¯re not bound by the fates.¡±


    Lyle laughs again, ¡°You don¡¯t think outside the box. Knowing what the future holds isn¡¯t what she does. She was born a freak, and derelict just because she could see God. Marina saw the hands of fate but she was just too stupid to see what we could accomplish together. If I only had Winter, I could see God too.¡±


    Emily shakes her head. ¡°I see now that this town isn¡¯t haunted!¡±


    ¡°Oh?¡±


    ¡°Mom always talked about how this used to be such a nice town to live in. Then out of nowhere, it got corrupted by drugs and the sorrow it brings. It became a plague, and you¡¯re the source!¡±


    Lyle just smirks.


    ¡°Cody, keep him down. The cops should be here in a few,¡± Andrew tells him. ¡°You¡¯re a real delusion case,¡± Andrew scoffs. ¡°You¡¯re over.¡±


    ¡°And what would happen if I told them that you used to be under me? That you killed some addict for me? You didn¡¯t think this through.¡±


    Emily and Cody are both shocked but barely believe him. Andrew looks at his fiance and she nods once at him, assuring him it¡¯s okay. Andrew shakes his head. ¡°Nah, I accept whatever happens. Unlike you, I have real friends and family who will be with me in the hard.¡±


    ¡°It¡¯s a shame nobody can help you here,¡±


    ¡°Huh?¡± Andrew takes a step back.


    Lyle jumps to sling his legs forwards and uses that momentum to make Cody crunch to the ground. Lyle uses this to move sidewards and grab his arm and twist it to break free. Andrew doesn¡¯t hesitate to run into Lyle and knee him in the face. Lyle stumbles but gets back up. He grabs Cody¡¯s arm and takes the knife for his own. Chris tries to help his friend out but ends up with his arm getting slashed.


    ¡°Motherfucker!¡± Andrew yells as he hits Lyle right then left. Lyle blocks his next two punches and counters with slashing Andrew¡¯s forearm. Cody gets back up and joins the fight. He waits for Lyle to attack him only to dodge out of the blade¡¯s way. Cody grabs Lyle¡¯s wrists, twists it, and knocks the knife away. Lyle then headbutts Cody, rocking him and leaving himself a bit dazed. Jerrica jumps on top of his back and bites his neck.


    ¡°You bitch!¡± Lyle screams in pain then jumps to fall on his back and lands on top of her. Lyle rolls over and quickly gets back up just to kick her in the stomach. Emily runs to the knife only for Lyle to spot her, forcing Emily to throw it at him as soon as she grabs it. It slashes his face but Lyle doesn¡¯t let it phase him. He lands a hard right hook to her temple and knocks her out. ¡°Nice try.¡±


    Chris tackles him to the ground and lands a couple of hits before Lyle can push him off and roll off to safety. He gets up and immediately blocks Andrew¡¯s punches and counters with his own. He boxes Andrew off until Andrew loses his guard and is knocked down by an uppercut to his jaw. Lyle turns and overhead kicks Chris in the head, knocking him out too. Cody readies himself up to for this next round.


    ¡°Still got some fight in you, huh?¡± Lyle snorts.


    ¡°You¡¯re not winning.¡±


    ¡°Five against one and four are already down. What are you going to do?¡±


    Cody waits for Lyle to move and controls his breathing for the right moment

 Finale: For the Shook Ones

    Sara and Freyja reach the car and back out of the driveway before Sara notices Grace isn¡¯t with them. ¡°Shit! Where¡¯s Grace!¡±


    ¡°I saw her run into the woods, she¡¯s safe!¡±


    ¡°I can¡¯t leave her!¡±


    ¡°We can¡¯t stay here, Sara!¡±


    Sara tightens her grip on the steering wheel. She doesn''t know what to do. Sara knows how lost Grace must feel right now, how broken she is. She can¡¯t leave the sister who adopted her. ¡°Go back into town, I¡¯m going to go find her!¡± She tells Freyja as she opens the door.


    ¡°Sara!¡±


    ¡°I can¡¯t leave her!¡±


    Freyja shuts up and sees the determination in Sara. ¡°Okay, be safe,¡± She says calmly.


    Sara smiles at her and turns around to run into the forest.


    -


    Cody is starting to lose himself. He spent the past few years learning how to control that rage that can get out of control. This time, it¡¯s okay to let go. He has to knock Lyle down if anyone is getting out of here alive.


    Lyle throws the first punch but Cody blocks it with ease. He follows up with a sidekick that connects to Lyle¡¯s ribs. Cody gives him a mean right hook and follows up with a left jab. Lyle backs off and shakes it off. Cody tries to follow up again but misses his swing. Lyle knees Cody in the stomach and grabs him to lunge him to the ground. Lyle moves in as Cody tries to get up only to be head kicked. Cody swings at the air and Lyle sides kicks him in the arm. The two start exchanging blows without even bothering to block each other at this point. Cody is too exhausted. Lyle is starting to get winded. He sees Cody¡¯s slow moment and grabs his neck to chokeslam him to the ground. The impact knocks the air out of Cody¡¯s body, incapacitating him.


    Lyle chuckles, ¡°You¡¯ve gotten better. Sad that it isn¡¯t enough.¡±


    Cody groans unable to speak. He looks around and sees the bodies of everyone who tried to help. Still, it wasn¡¯t enough. Is this really it? He thinks. I couldn¡¯t protect her. I couldn¡¯t protect my friends. Goddamnit.


    ¡°Who would have thought a bunch of kids would give me so much trouble?¡± Lyle says to himself as he searches for the gun. He spits out the blood from his mouth. ¡°Cody, your dad¡¯s name is Jesus, right? It¡¯s really hard not for it to be personal between you and I but your dad makes that impossible,¡± Lyle picks up the gun from the ground and notices his other one is nowhere to be seen. ¡°You die first,¡± he points it at Cody¡¯s head. Lyle screams in pain as the blade strikes deep into the bone of his ankle. Jerrica pulls it out right before Lyle turns around and kicks her in the stomach. Before Lyle can aim at Jerrica, Chris grabs him from behind and the two stumble to the ground. ¡°Just die already!¡± Lyle shoots his gun and the bullet hits Chris¡¯s thigh.


    Chris wallows on the ground trying to hold the pain from his thigh in.


    Lyle gets back up trying his hardest to ignore the immense pain in his ankle. He doesn¡¯t see Emily who is getting up. ¡°Just a bunch of fucking kids!¡±


    Emily sees Andrew is getting up as well. I have to fight. I have to be strong. I have to live! Is all she thinks about. Lyle is too big for her to even stand a chance, but she still tries. Emily stumbles towards him, lucky that he¡¯s unable to hear due to the rain. I refuse to be weak. I refuse to be scared. Emily uses the last bit of her strength to swing her leg forwards, kicking Lyle in the balls.


    The pain almost overtakes the pain in Lyle¡¯s ankle. He turns around to swing at Emily but misses before falling from all the pain. ¡°You cunt!¡±


    Emily falls to the ground. I hope that was enough.


    Lyle¡¯s entire body is radiating in agony as he gets back up only to see that Andrew is the only one left standing. He sees the ultra-violence in Andrew¡¯s eyes. Finally, he¡¯s unable to defend himself as Andrew tackles him to the ground.


    Andrew¡¯s unable to think. Everything he does is pure instinct as he¡¯s just an animal fighting for his survival. He pummels Lyle¡¯s without leaving space for anything else to happen. He pummels Lyle until Andrew see¡¯s nothing but red and the exhaustion catches up to him.


    Jerrica gets up in pain and watches.


    Lyle coughs and groans in complete agony, barely being able to see anymore. He knows he¡¯s lost. Still, he can win, even now. He sees the killing intent on Andrew. ¡°You don¡¯t have the guts,¡± Lyle barely manages to say to him.


    Andrew barely makes out Lyle¡¯s words. ¡°What?!¡± he yells getting up.


    ¡°You don¡¯t have the fucking guts to kill me, you fucking pussy,¡± Lyle coughs laughing. ¡°You¡¯re fucking shit.¡±


    ¡°I¡¯m shit?! I¡¯M SHIT?!¡± Andrew gets down and grabs Lyle by the collar. Andrew loses his sight and everything just becomes blank to him. ¡°Do you know who the fuck I am?!¡± Andrew shoves Lyle back into the ground. A fleeting thought of Jerrica runs through his mind. He breaks through that barrier. ¡°I¡¯M CHAMPAGNE!¡± Andrew starts to slam his fists unto Lyle¡¯s now unrecognizable face. In a fit of pure rage, Andrew wraps his hands around Lyle¡¯s neck and starts to squeeze as hard as he can.


    Another thought of Jerrica runs through him. Back then, when Jerrica told him she loved him despite everything, he didn¡¯t know how to feel about it. He was happy, angry, confused, and sad. He told her that she shouldn¡¯t. He¡¯s a devil. Jerrica said she didn¡¯t care as long as he didn¡¯t hurt people anymore. He told her; that he killed someone before. He killed because he was told to. He was repaying a debt he didn¡¯t like. That¡¯s when Jerrica should''ve left. She should¡¯ve said her goodbyes and left him to wallow in his self-disgust and hatred by myself. But she didn¡¯t.


    This. This is right, isn¡¯t it?


    It¡¯s exhilarating. It¡¯s taking much longer than Andrew would''ve thought, but he isn¡¯t stopping. Lyle has to die or else it won¡¯t end.


    Jerrica watches in horror. Andrew has completely lost himself. She screams for him to stop but her words don¡¯t reach him. She knows he¡¯s no devil and he can still be saved.


    Cody gets back up and walks over to Emily to check up on her. He¡¯s letting this happen. Emily is still conscious but to hurt to move right now. Chris is holding his thigh, watching Andrew end it once and for all. Everyone can feel the rain slowly come to a stop.


    ¡°You okay?¡± Cody says to Emily the moment he reaches her.


    Emily looks up at him and sees all the blood on his face. She smiles and nods. The two turn to Andrew.


    Jerrica gets back up and runs towards Andrew as her words continue to phase through him. She wraps herself around Andrew, crying, ¡°Please just stop,¡± whispers in his ears. The moment she does, Andrew let¡¯s go.


    He let¡¯s go.


    -


    Freyja reaches the end of the dirt road where she stops because the blue and red lights are finally heading her way.


    Sara gets lost in the forest and screams for Grace but there¡¯s no one to hear her words. She spends some time wandering around looking for her little sister but finds no sign of her. Eventually, she finds herself near the dirt road again. This time the abandoned house is swarmed by police cruisers. Her heart stops as she fears the worse but walks towards them to find the end.


    Jerrica kisses Andrew¡¯s forehead. It¡¯s finally over. All they¡¯re waiting on is the ambulances. The police officers take care of Chris¡¯ wounds the best they can and take statements from everywhere else including Freyja and Sara who arrive. Nobody can say a word.


    Andrew lets Jerrica rest her head on his shoulder. He plays around with his mouth trying to find all the cuts he has. The taste of his blood won¡¯t leave. He checks Jerrica¡¯s wounds and finds that it¡¯s nothing major. ¡°You¡¯re so stubborn, you could have gotten yourself killed,¡± he tells her.


    ¡°Yeah well, there isn¡¯t anything that we can¡¯t do together.¡±


    Andrew scoffs then smiles at his fiance. ¡°Glad you stuck around. There isn¡¯t a world where I can live without you.¡±


    ¡°Rare for you to be soft,¡± Jerrica giggles.


    Andrew chuckles, ¡°Yeah well, a lot of things happened tonight.¡±


    Emily stands up from the ground. Her entire body feels like the cracks from its glass can shatter at any moment. Tonight has been too much for her. This entire day has been too much. She thinks about the day where she was shot and the day she got in the car accident. Both of those days pale in comparison to now. Her tears start to join the light rain now present.


    Cody stands in front of her completely exhausted and sore. He¡¯s pretty sure parts of his body are broken but can¡¯t tell where. All he cares about is the fact that they all got out of this alive. He got Emily out alive even though she refused to run away.


    ¡°It almost happened again,¡± Emily whispers to him. ¡°Everything was almost taken from us again.¡± She cries as Cody lets her rest her body on his chest. ¡°It¡¯s all too much.¡±


    Cody doesn¡¯t say anything and lets Emily cry on his chest. He knows exactly what Emily is thinking. She can¡¯t stay in this town. It¡¯s never been good to her, even now it almost killed her. He isn¡¯t good for her. Cody hugs her, just this once and maybe even for the last time. Emily just cries harder and thinks about all the mistakes she made over the past three days.


    Emily can now leave knowing that maybe for the first time in her life, she¡¯s strong enough to face the world alone.


    Chris thinks about the words Lyle has said. Nobody seems to believe his thoughts about Marina. Chris knows otherwise so should Andrew. That girl is special and is meant to change the world. He¡¯s just a guy who overthought everything about existence but for once, all he cares about is going home to have a warm dinner.


    -


    Grace runs and runs deeper and deeper into the forest. She runs until her lungs can¡¯t hold her air anymore. She collapses near the creak. Her pants to catch her breath only makes her panic even more. Everything that is happening is entirely her fault. She trusted Felix and now all of her friends are probably going to die.


    She only thinks about his words. If only she was stronger. If only she didn¡¯t try to be well-liked. It¡¯s too late now. She¡¯s been manipulated to be someone she doesn¡¯t like. She¡¯s tired of it. There was just so much she did to be cool that Grace never once thought about if it really was the best for her.


    Grace feels the rain slowly becoming docile. Suddenly the darkness doesn¡¯t seem so frightening and she finds herself in the open field where the old Treehouse once was. Further north she finds the new one Cody had built over the past three years. She¡¯s been here a couple of times before but not since it¡¯s been completed. It¡¯s much nicer than she expected. She sits over the entrance and dries her tears. Dirt and mud cover almost every part of her clothes.


    Her hands are stiff and rigid. The gun she holds weighs more than she ever would have thought. It¡¯s a crown that she holds. It¡¯s a power that she has. For the first time today, she feels like she has some resemblance of control. She should be back at the house helping her friends out. She could have used the gun on Lyle but she knows she¡¯s just a coward. Grace stares at the gun in her hand. The darkness down below has never felt so inviting. The darkness consumes.


    Felix wasn¡¯t who he was. She¡¯s left up here with no explanation and she doesn¡¯t know where any of her friends are. In a month she will be left alone to manage herself. All she wants is to be that little girl where nobody had any expectation of her; where she has no responsibilities and didn¡¯t have to do all these things to be liked.Stolen from Royal Road, this story should be reported if encountered on Amazon.


    This whole night has been her fault as she led Lyle here; the monster she has heard about all through her school years. Now as tomorrow comes, she will have to live with whatever happened. Her friend might be dead. Lyle might come back to get her. She¡¯ll just be a slave to him.


    Grace looks west, where all the police lights are being lit up. Everyone is over there, dead, and it¡¯s all her fault.


    Grace thinks about me. The memory of gunshot and the splatter of blood on Grace plays back on a silver screen. Grace becomes frozen when she realizes she still doesn¡¯t know why


    I did it. If Elizabeth hadn¡¯t done that, where would I be now?


    I¡¯m tired. I¡¯m really tired.


    Is this what depression feels like? No. Sara wasn¡¯t like me. Sara was much worse and she is still here. So why? Why am I like this? There needs to be a reason. Why am I shaking?


    Grace shakes as she points the gun towards her temple. She starts to cry.


    It doesn¡¯t fucking matter. I¡¯ll be dead. Fuck everyone. I don¡¯t even have to deal with it. This will solve all problems. I don¡¯t ever have to be afraid again. I don¡¯t have to live to see the future.


    Grace''s eyes widen.


    She drops the gun, letting it hang on her arm. Grace stares at the ground again.


    Everyone tried to speculate my death with their ideas of what happened. The most common was the drugs spun me out of control. Others thought it was because I didn¡¯t want to become a teenage mom. Cody and Emily seem to think it was because I couldn¡¯t bear Cody loving Emily.


    My parents blamed the community and everything around it.


    I¡¯ve witnessed it all over the past four years.


    They¡¯re all wrong.


    Eventually, everyone knew the truth. I was out of control, lost, and hated what I had become. There are only two things that happened to me that I wish would''ve gone differently. The first is when I tried some of Chris¡¯s LSD.


    I was walking back into my room after thinking I was coming down. Inside wasn¡¯t anything special. The room is just white and is always dimly lit. There''s a bed with pink sheets and next to it is a desk with a laptop. Around the walls are posters of various things, none of them important except my Emmah one. Emmah is a rising star that keeps a low profile but makes life-changing music. To me, she¡¯s nearly flawless and I considered dying my hair a dark brown just so I could look like her. I entered my room and there was this woman in a white dress standing in front of and looking at my Emmah Melody Ryan poster.  She had the same stunning white dress as the one Emmah had in the poster. This woman was blonde however and looked nothing like her. I didn¡¯t know who she was.


    ¡°Life is beautiful. Really, it is,¡± She said in an almost angelic voice. I don¡¯t think she was ever real. The woman seemed to be a bit transparent and somehow I didn¡¯t mind that she was in my room. The colors coming around her were friendly.


    I recognized her words. They¡¯re from a movie Cody and I watched a while back. The words she spoke startled me like she knew exactly what to say to get inside my head.


    ¡°Life is great,¡± She continued.


    The movie was ¡®Gummo¡¯. A movie that made me weirdly fascinated after finishing it.


    ¡°Without it, you¡¯ll be dead,¡± I finished for her.


    ¡°Life is beautiful, really, it is. Filled with beauty and illusions,¡± The woman walked up to me and hugged me.


    And an explosion of memories all at once. I remembered everything and all things at once. Things I was never there for, things I wasn¡¯t even born for. An explosion of emotions and ecstasy. I saw all the good, all the bad. I saw the world without me. I saw the world with me. Either way, it kept spinning.


    I saw hollow eyes with somber grins. I saw worn eyes with calm and warming smiles. I saw scared eyes and a calendar date, August 27th. I saw pissed off eyes just longing for someone to say ¡°It¡¯s okay.¡± I saw demons surrounding eyes of curiosity. I saw Cody¡¯s eyes longing for everything to go back to the things they were.


    I walked into my room again.


    In my room, there was this woman in a white dress standing in front of and looking at my Emmah poster. She was wearing the same dress as the poster and her blonde hair was perfectly straight.


    ¡°Life is beautiful. Really, it is,¡± She said in an Angelic voice. ¡°Life is great,¡±


    ¡°Without it, you¡¯ll be dead,¡± I finished for her.


    ¡°Life is beautiful, really, it is. Filled with beauty and illusions,¡± The woman walked up to me and hugged me.


    Again.


    I walked into my room again.


    In my room there was this woman in white standing there, waiting for me. This woman was blonde and was wearing this stunning dress that I spent days looking for online but never found.


    ¡°Life is beautiful. Really, it is,¡± She said as an angel. ¡°Life is great,¡±


    ¡°Without it, you¡¯ll be dead,¡± I finished for her.


    ¡°Life is beautiful, really, it is. Filled with beauty and illusions,¡± The woman walked up to me and hugged me.


    Once more.


    In my own head, I could hear that song from the opening of the movie. I didn''t know what it was called but after a few days I found out it¡¯s ¡®I love my little rooster¡¯ by Almeda Riddle. It¡¯s creepy and I didn¡¯t want to hear it. But it seemed fitting as well.


    I walked into my room.


    In my room, there was this woman in white waiting for me. She was smiling and her iris¡¯ were silvery white. She was paler than me, almost like a ghost. This woman was completely in white. She was stunning.


    ¡°Life is beautiful. Really, it is,¡± she said softly, ¡°The mask fits so snug and safely.¡±


    ¡°Filled with beauty and illusions,¡± I said.


    She shook her head. ¡°Alcohol doesn¡¯t heal cuts.¡±


    ¡°The darkness that consumes.¡±


    ¡°The shadows and glooms.¡±


    ¡°Broken, oh so broken.¡±


    The woman in white walked up to me and hugged me. ¡°Everything is pretty in the dark.¡±


    Another explosion. I¡¯m shot up high in the air, breaking the ceiling and out into the atmosphere. From there to the darkness of space and go beyond. Into a nebula unto a black hole where it¡¯s just a tunnel. I was speeding by as everything around me passed by like speeding street lights in the night sky. Everything raced by and everything felt right. Everything felt so eternal.


    I heard the ocean and nothing else.


    I crashed back into my room where I entered my body. It was a sudden stop in a speeding car where I could feel the whiplash in my own body. I blinked and everything went back to normal. The walls were still slightly moving and I was still focusing on very small things but everything was back where it should be.


    There was no woman in white.


    That was the first day my guardian angel appeared before me. I should have listened to her.


    The other was the moment I saw someone die. We were stuck in traffic by a red light on 7th and Pine. I could hear the faint sounds of police sirens in the distance as the light refused to go green. Lyle said, ¡°Are you fine to do this for a while?¡±


    ¡°Yeah.¡±


    The sirens got a bit closer and I got a little nervous for no reason. I thought that they were coming after us, but instead, it was this black motorcycle. I couldn¡¯t take that image out of my head for days.


    This black motorcycle was speeding towards us in a blink, running the red light. In under a half-second, it was t-boned by a car and the driver flew off the motorcycle that seemed to me a couple of dozen meters, landing beside the SUV.


    The driver of the car was visibly unconscious with a deployed airbag; the front of the car completely totaled. The motorcycle was in pieces all around us. The driver of it was beside us, his body in shambles with blood everywhere. All his limbs seemed to be bending in ways they were never meant too, like a puppet


    His face was unrecognizable. No, that''s too easy. It was in shambles. His head looked like it was cracked in half. I could see everything. Lyle looked over and his facial expression didn''t even change. I couldn¡¯t imagine mine as I was trying to forget the exposed brain I had just witnessed.


    I accidentally took a peek and could feel myself trying not to gag. My mouth instantly was filled with so much excess saliva that I had to spit it out.


    ¡°Relax,¡± Lyle said. ¡°It wasn¡¯t us. You should be thankful.¡±


    ¡°He¡¯s dead!¡±


    Lyle grinned, ¡°This won¡¯t be your only.¡±


    Those words haunted me. Lyle was right. It wouldn¡¯t be my only death. Just days later he convinced me to kill for him. I saw what I¡¯ve become. I saw the monster he was making me become. I couldn¡¯t live with it. Everything just piled on top of that and I just couldn¡¯t take it anymore. I hated who I¡¯ve become.


    Sometimes, just like Grace, the future is too terrifying to face. Just another victim of neglect.


    -


    Everything has become too much. Grace wonders if Lyle could help her become a person that isn¡¯t insecure anymore. Maybe there¡¯s a world where she doesn¡¯t have the fear of growing up, moving out. The fear of trying to graduate college, get a job, a boyfriend, a marriage, a kid, a mortgage. All of that disappears if Grace would just let him break her.


    But Grace Ciotta is already broken.


    Cody walks over to Chris who¡¯s unable to get up. ¡°How are you holding up?¡±


    ¡°Dude, do you really have to ask?¡± He chuckles.


    Cody joins him. ¡°Yeah, sorry. Thanks, you saved us.¡±


    Chris shakes his head. ¡°I think maybe we all played a part. Before I was so worried about making mistakes that it caused me to worry and made them anyway. Now I see that we alone have the power to decide what happens next.¡±


    ¡°Oh yeah?¡±


    Chris looks at Emily who¡¯s being checked upon by a police officer then back at his friend. ¡°That includes what she wants to happen next,¡± he motions his head towards her. Cody looks back for a moment. ¡°Don¡¯t worry about me, I¡¯ll be fine. I¡¯m going to finally do something with my life. Maybe even help the world.¡±


    Cody smirks, ¡°I¡¯ll hold you to that.¡±


    Sara walks up to her brother and Jerrica. ¡°You had me worried. I¡¯m glad everyone¡¯s safe.¡±


    Andrew smiles. ¡°All in a day''s work, Sis.¡±


    ¡°Don¡¯t say it like it was so casual,¡± Jerrica rolls her eyes. ¡°There''s no situation where anything that happened wasn¡¯t frightening.¡±


    ¡°Yeah, I bet,¡± Sara laughs nervously. She feels bad that she wasn¡¯t there to help. Was it a selfish thing to do? She asks herself but concludes that it¡¯s the only thing Andrew would want. She leaves her brother so he can be alone with Jerrica for a moment. Freyja still needs to be checked on.


    ¡°Did you find Grace?¡± Freyja asks her.


    ¡°No, but I told some of the guys who she is. There should be two officers looking for her,¡± Sara shakes her head. ¡°How are you holding up? I¡¯m sorry you got dragged into all of this.¡±


    Freyja half-smiles, ¡°Honestly my heart feels like it¡¯s still trying to rip out of my chest, but I¡¯m okay. I¡¯m more worried about you.¡±


    ¡°Never better. There¡¯s no more demon to plague me.¡±


    ¡°So it¡¯s all over, huh?¡±


    Sara grabs hold of Freyja¡¯s hand and smiles. For once there isn¡¯t anything in the back of her mind telling her that life isn¡¯t worth living. There¡¯s still a lot of things Sara has to endure but she knows she has to support to be able to face it.


    Would Mom be proud?  If she was still alive would she tell me that she¡¯s proud that I¡¯m able to stand up? I hope she''s in a better place. I hope she found her peace.


    ¡°Yeah,¡± Sara sighs out of exhaustion. ¡°But everything is going to be okay now. I have you.¡±


    Freyja grins and the two share a kiss.


    Andrew sees the two and cheers them on, catching the attention of almost everyone on the scene.


    ¡°Do you have to be so loud?¡± Jerrica giggles.


    ¡°I would be lying if I said no.¡±


    ¡°At least you¡¯re honest,¡± Jerrica bites her lip but winces at the pain she still feels on her stomach. ¡°I hope Grace is okay.¡±


    ¡°She¡¯ll be fine. Grace is stronger than she knows.¡±


    ¡°So are you. I¡¯m really proud of you today.¡±


    Andrew thinks about what he almost did today. He wasn¡¯t going to stop. It was a thrill that he wanted to continue; the end to everything. But Andrew is the child he was before. Still, the disappointment hasn¡¯t left because Jerrica is the only reason why he did stop.


    ¡°Can I tell you something?¡±


    Jerrica lifts her head slightly from his shoulder. ¡°Hmm?¡±


    ¡°There isn¡¯t anyone in the world who would put up with my bullshit as much as you, Jerrica. I love you, don¡¯t ever forget that.¡±


    Jerrica closes her eyes and smiles. ¡°I love you too, Andy.¡±


    Emily stares at Cody¡¯s dead eyes. He¡¯s been through so much. He fought so hard. ¡°I¡¯m going to live alone for a while,¡± She tells me. ¡°I think. I think it¡¯ll be better for both of us if we don¡¯t see each other for a while. I have some things I have to figure out.¡±


    Cody¡¯s childhood friend can barely look him in the eyes, but he understands. ¡°Yeah, it¡¯s okay. There¡¯s a lot of things we both need to do.¡±


    ¡°Maybe in a year or two. Drop by to New York, maybe we can work something out. Maybe by then, we¡¯ll have something worked out.¡±


    ¡°Yeah, maybe¡­¡±


    ¡°Are you going to be okay?¡±


    ¡°Eventually. How about you?¡±


    ¡°Not even close,¡± Emily laughs. ¡°I just need to figure out who I am. I spent so long letting myself be weak because of my sickness, letting it control my life, letting me rely on others to carry me. It¡¯s time I walk on my two feet.¡±


    Cody smiles and gains a bit of energy. ¡°I¡¯ll cheer for you.¡±


    ¡°What about you? What are you going to do?¡±


    ¡°Sleep for a couple of days,¡± he chuckles. ¡°Then after that, I got a tour and who knows. Life sometimes moves too fast to stop and think about all that.¡±


    ¡°I¡¯m sorry things aren¡¯t going as you wanted.¡±


    Cody closes his eyes and shakes his head. ¡°I have the same problem as you, Ems. I can¡¯t live without you, but I¡¯ve been learning. You¡¯re right, we both need to be better people. I try too hard, maybe that¡¯s why everything I touch eventually goes to shit.¡±


    Emily holds Cody¡¯s hand for the last time. ¡°Let¡¯s find each other a couple of years from now. Who knows? By then we¡¯ll be the best version of ourselves. I¡¯ll be waiting.¡±


    A gunshot from deep inside the forest grabs everyone¡¯s attention.


    The darkness is more inviting than ever. The mind of Grace Ciotta is too scrambled to make any coherent thought. The only thing she knows is that the Devil doesn¡¯t need any I-told-you-so¡¯s. In the end, it¡¯s nothing but cheap talk and wasted breaths. A woman with broken wings knows the best of steel nets and frayed respect. Her hands are one that begs and ones that forget. Everyone loves a mess and she intends to give them one they¡¯ll never forget.


    She looks up, letting the now drizzle sprinkle over her as sparkling mist. The blue-green earth gives her a final kiss and she feels that jump off a fallen chest right before the hit. Grace takes a deep breath and accepts that there isn¡¯t a God that can answer her prayer.


    Grace smiles and aims the gun.


    She shoots.


    Grace¡¯s body falls down from the treehouse.


    The rain finally stops.

 Epilogue

    Grace VIII


    Eighteen.


    I had just turned eighteen when I have constantly led astray. I was only eighteen when I thought everyone was the same. You think you know something you don¡¯t. I thought of myself as something to hate. Someone who wasn¡¯t me. Someone who wanted to prepare for the future she feared. A girl who was frustrated at herself because she felt unwanted. A shadow that followed her around as a constant reminder. Then there was the trust that was exploited.


    I was only eighteen when they found my body on the drowning ground.


    I know what you¡¯re going to be. Just another lost soul searching for a purpose in a world you think you understand. You either find that purpose or accept that life goes on and it consumes you. Whatever that purpose is, I hope it¡¯s a good one. For what is it not but a person¡¯s dream to be happy? And if that happiness causes some pain in others, is it just? Or is it the selfish self-desire that overwrites that moral compass in the back of our heads? Or perhaps the desire to be well-liked by your peers that leads you astray?


    Just like it led me astray.


    I used to read stories and nearly all of them had happy endings. Rarely ever did I find one where the villain won. Rarely did I ever find a story that ended somberly. I think it¡¯s because we use that world of fiction to escape the complex and unknown world that terrifies us so much. Every time I turned on the news it was to see something sad or scary. It¡¯s nothing but constant war, politics, and propaganda and I got sick of it. So what better way to escape from all of that then the world of fiction? Whether it be books, movies, TV shows, or my favorite, video games. There¡¯s constant discussion about all of this but nothing is ever done. It¡¯s just another cog in the machine.


    It¡¯s something I think about a lot. Chris was a person who was stuck inside his mind. He would always talk about how he¡¯s always tied to an invisible chain. Whether that chain is 10 feet or a thousand, everyone is tied to some sort of chain. Chris wanted to be free. In the end, he was able to free himself from the thoughts that plagued his mind. He now works at a university and is studying a potential new form of renewable energy. It¡¯s all based on the things he saw under the effects of the modified Winter, the same I saw. The energy that flows all around us.


    Still, I always wondered what my chains were. There¡¯s too many to even list. Everyone shares the common ones, but there¡¯s nothing we can do about them. The most we can is to try to end our stories the best we can. Oftentimes, we don¡¯t.


    Sometimes the best we can hope for is to bring upon our children the best we can. Yet it tacit knowledge that the love a parent can have for their child varies wildly from person to person. Some children don¡¯t grow up knowing their parents. They either grow up to be better than they are or end resenting them. Some children grow up orphans and they live the best they can with the resources that were given to them. I was lucky enough to have a mother that supported me even at my lowest. My mother even supported two kids that weren¡¯t even hers. I think I asked her about why only once. She told me that sometimes kindness wrinkles through time. That kindness was what allowed the child of Sara and Freyja to live happily with her mothers.


    Her name is Trinity.


    Sometimes we forget that kindness can extend far beyond what we can ever perceive. We¡¯re often hateful and disregard others just because we couldn¡¯t be bothered. Or maybe we just had a bad day and took it out on others without ever thinking about it. It doesn¡¯t make us bad people, it just means we could be better. We all know what¡¯s right. From birth it¡¯s ingrained in our bones and we only learn more as they grow. All our blood flows the same way. Yet, it doesn¡¯t stop from people having that hatred in their hearts. But maybe that little bit of kindness you show them can go a long way.


    That level of kindness and understanding, it doesn¡¯t come without difficulty. It¡¯s easy to get lost in that circle, pyramid, or chain of hopelessness that tells you the world is lost. What¡¯s the point? But Jerrica never gave up her kindness to Andrew. That kindness grew into love, and that love now resides inside their home. That unwavering determination has given them three kids.


    Angelica, Skylar, and Claudia.If you discover this tale on Amazon, be aware that it has been unlawfully taken from Royal Road. Please report it.


    But you can¡¯t change those who can¡¯t be changed. Oftentimes people get overwhelmed and they leave it all behind in search of the self. It can happen at any moment. One may hate their job, their friends, or family. For whatever reason they decide it¡¯s better to start anew. Sometimes it works out, sometimes it doesn¡¯t. Whatever the result, the path has been taken. Life is beautiful, it really is. Once you realize that, truly understand the concept, it becomes impossible to have that hatred in your heart.


    It may take their entire lives for someone to realize it. They may never realize either. How do you find something you¡¯re not looking for? How do you even differentiate from the things you want and the things you need? Emotions can sway that decision at a whim. Emotions can cause us to act without thought. More often than not, it works out. More likely than not, you don¡¯t need anything. It¡¯s all about want. Want is what allows us to shape and mold our fates.


    You have seen the long stretch of road before you. It¡¯s covered by snow or blasted by the scorching sun. The dirt may cover it, or it could be windswept. It could be shrouded in darkness or perhaps it¡¯s so bright it¡¯s blinding. But no matter what, we still walk that road.


    It¡¯s the same road Cody took after Emily left Darkwood one final time. It is the road or even a river, Emily decided to take on as she grew more sure of herself; enough to let the stream carry her down. Everything but peace seemed to follow her outside that cursed town. Eventually everything settles down and Emily¡¯s heart would find that peace. No matter how much pain the past brings, she and her daughter face them together.


    Her name is Elizabeth Grace.


    That same stream carries Cody into a life of worry and struggle, but that is the nature of being alive. He¡¯s thankful for all the mistakes, regrets, and pain that brought him here. For without it, he wouldn¡¯t have his son.


    Caspian Ellis.


    One of the biggest fears is dying without being remembered. We¡¯re afraid of being buried and being mourned by a few. But what more can you ask for? It¡¯s a lingering thought we all have when we are alone. So you go on searching and are either to dumb or too smart to find God. Maybe you are too angry or too lonely.


    Or maybe your struggles become too much.


    Even after years of conquering her demons, Sara still struggles to smile. After all, depression isn¡¯t something that can ever truly go away. Yet she finds solace knowing she¡¯s trying her hardest and doesn¡¯t want to become like her mother. Sara takes it day by day and lives knowing that sometimes, that is enough. Sara looks out from her apartment window, admiring the view of London. Freyja calls out to her, holding their adopted infant daughter. Sara looks back and kisses her little angel.


    Andrew looks at the last pack of cigarettes he ever bought. He keeps them around as a reminder of all the hardships he went through to find a way out of his hatred. And that way out was through love. Andrew steps out to his front lawn in Seattle to see his wife having a picnic with their kids. There isn¡¯t a better place he wishes he could be. He sits down with them and for once, maybe forever, finds his peace.


    Chris finishes his paper on the new renewable energy that hopes will change the world. He sighs and looks up to the ceiling where he is reminded that none of this would have happened if he didn¡¯t break free. The plague inside his mind has withered away. Years ago he would have been afraid to pursue this dream. Now he only wishes he would have started sooner. Chris looks back down and stares at the vial of Winter he¡¯s been researching. The potential is limitless.


    The lake seems to be clearer than usual for Emily. She stares at it until she spaces out and loses her thoughts. It took her years to figure out what she wanted. Now she stands stronger than she¡¯s ever been. A voice calls after her from behind. Elizabeth Grace runs up to her mother and is shocked by how pretty the lake is today. Emily realizes that this is where she belonged all along and is thankful that the promise was eventually kept.


    Cody holds his son¡¯s hand as they walk on the soft summer grass. The road to this moment has been harsh. The road has even come close to crumble underneath them. Cody recalls a time where everything seemed to be so quiet. A time where it would only mask the panic and strain in his life. It¡¯s only been a few years, but Cody walks with his son to the future he fought so hard to keep.


    And I was only eighteen.


    I was only eighteen when they found my bleeding body on the ground.


    The trees were still green. I was so alone. I was sure of what I¡¯ve seen and known. All that was really left was ashes and stone. The town was too silent to talk back. Too haunted to ever care back. It felt so much like a dream. I felt so free with the gun in my hand. I used to be eighteen. Felt so lost and scared. My heart had been crushed. The future seemed so dark with no way out. The rain made everything so calm. My eyes were burning and your mouth was dry. I just wanted everything to end.


    I used to be eighteen.


    I know who you¡¯re going to be. I know how scared you must be. Your heart and mind are breaking as he wished. You¡¯re scrambling inside for it all to make sense. You¡¯re crumbling up just to breathe. You¡¯re afraid of who you are. You hate the things that you¡¯ve done. You want to be just a kid again. You want to escape as you stare down to the ground.


    Now I stand where you fell.


    I wish I could show you how much you¡¯ve grown.