《Memories From the Dark Side of Infinity》


 The End

    There is a famous quote from long ago, from my original planet. I can''t remember who said it now, but since they are long gone, as is the planet, I doubt it matters, but the quote itself does. The quote goes, as best as I can remember "When telling a story, start at the beginning, continue until you reach the end and then stop".


    Unfortunately, the start of my story is pointless and doesn''t make sense, the middle only makes sense if you know the ending, and the ending hasn''t happened yet. However, since these are my memoirs, I can write it however I want, especially since I doubt there is any chance of anyone reading it. I am so far away from civilised space, so far from anyone who might be able to receive it, that this seems destined to be nothing more than shouting into the void. But I have nothing else to do as I approach The Black, so I may as well record this. And if by some chance someone finds these recordings, then I hope that they gain something from them, whatever that may be.


    So, where to start? Well, let''s start with where I am and why I am here. After many failed attempts to end my life, for reasons that are my own and I may tell in time, I am journeying to what has been rumouredabout forever. I do not know if what I seek is real, or if it is even possible, but that I will find out eventually. It is called "The Black". It is said to be the beginning and ending of existance, so if there is any place that I can end my cursed eternal existance, it will be there. Now, if you are listening to this, then do not think that I am glamourising death. Death should be avoided at all costs, trust me, I know what it is to die. It hurts. And more than that, it achieves nothing. It does not solve any problems, it just moves the problems around. Any and all killing, either that of yourself or of other people should be avoided at all costs.


    However, the reason thatIam seeking an end to my existance, is that it is the one thing that I have not been able to do throughout my eternal existance. And when I say eternal, I mean it. I am at least tens of thousands of years old, maybe even hundreds of thousands, and I have died in more ways than I can count. I have been stabbed, shot, drowned, hung, poisoned and many more. None of them are pleasant, well almost none, but most of all, none of them have worked on me. I will explain the beginning later, but for now, all you need to know is that I cannot die. I have seen more, lived through more, than any human has a right to. I have known love and hate, great happiness and great sadness, and everything in between. I have been poor, rich, slaves and kings, and after all this time, what do I have to show for it? A spaceship that isn''t mine, a robot that doesn''t work, and an endless journey to end it all.


    And memories. I have more memories than I ever thought it would be possible to have. I do not know how it works for other people, other Eternals, but for me, I have forgotten nothing. Ohh, I may not be able to remember every single detail, but who can? Sure, I may not know what I had for breakfast last week, but who does? However, I remember the big things. Every planet I have lived on, every person I have loved, every person I have lost. And what is the biggest surprise, at least it was to me, is that while it doesn''t get easier, eventually what you remember most about the people that you lose ishow you lost them. I guess feelings can fade with enough time, but the facts, they never go away. And some of those facts can burn you.


    So, I guess I should explain what I am. Why I call myself an Eternal. Well, I wasn''t always an Eternal. I was born a human on a small planet far away from here. Well, here is far away from everywhere, so that''s meaningless. It was far away from what became the Galactic Partnership. Some people say that we were all from my planet at one point, but I can''t prove that either way. Either way, I was born there, I grew up there, and I died there. And while that should''ve been the end of it, it was not. For some reason, I woke up again, on the morning of the day I died. At first, I thought it was just a dream. I was stupid enough to die four times that day, before I figured it out. I never did figure out what happened to make me an Eternal. During my life, I have met other''s like me. People who just don''t die. Some because their lives are just exceeding long naturally, some who use artificial means to extend their own lives, and some, like me, who just live forever. I am one of the lucky ones, supposedly, because I am locked in time, forever the age I was when I died that first time. 35, if your curious. My body has not aged since then, another mystery. I can live a thousand years without dying, and I am always 35.This book''s true home is on another platform. Check it out there for the real experience.


    I hate it.


    I really, really, hate it.


    Just once, I would like to be 50, or 40. Hell, even 36 would be fine. But no, always 35.


    Any before you ask, it''s not genetic. I have had children, many, many children, and as far as I know, none of them have inherited my curse. Well, cursed existance. I do not know if this is the result of magic.


    Oh, yeah, magic exists. Well, what I mean when I say magic, is that there exists people who can use and control energy that goes beyond what I gew up thinking of as being possible. I have seen people through fireballs, read other people''s minds, and so much more. But all it is, is the manipulation of energy. Even when people think they are summoning demons or spirits, or whatever they tell themselves they are doing, all they are doing is converting energy to matter. Don''t ask me how it works, because I don''t know. What I can tell you is that anyone can learn how to do it, at least with enough time to study and practice, but since all you are doing is converting energy, it''s really only useful on certain planets, which for whatever reason have an overabundance of energy, usually some sort of radiation. Since once you get away from planets, especially once you leave a solar system, there is little extra radiation, it becomes much harder to do. Still, it''s a neat trick that can help in a bad situation.


    Where was I? Ah, yes, Eternals. Well, eventually I left my home planet and started travelling throughout space. Long story, many different adventures, blah blah blah. Nothing important for now. Anyway, as I travelled, I realised that I was meeting some people again and again. Eventually, I realised that they had lived far longer than most people and I asked them about it. That''s when they introduced me to the group of Eternals. They said that they had seen me around and watched me to see if I was suitable to join them. It all sounds very Freemasony, but all they are a group of people who live far too long and keep in contact to different degrees. At times, the group has been powerful and ruled planets and solar systems, at other times it has been more of a social club. It doesn''t matter. All that you need to know is that out there, wherever you are, exists some people who do not die like they should. People who have lived for far longer than anyone needs to. They could be your neighbour, or there might not be one in thousands of lightyears of you. The Group certainly was never that big. Never more that a few dozen at a time, certainly never over 100.


    Why is that? Surely, if it''s a group of people who never die, then eventually it would have thousands or millions of people. Well, it doesn''t. Maybe throughout the universe there are indeed millions of people who never die. But we never found them. Whatever happened to each of us, and it did seem to be different each time, almost never replicated itself. And in truth, most Eternals are not truly eternal. Most have something that can kill them, some way that stops them from living. Fire is a good one, as few things can recover from a really good burning. Unless you''re someone like me of course. But I am definitely in the minority. Most of the Eternals just never died, and to them, that is how I am. Someone who has died thousands of times, but from the outside has never died. "Paradoxes within paradoxes" as an old friend used to say.


    Anyway, the point of telling you about the Eternals was to help help you understand why I am where I am now. At the ending. The Eternals are the middle, so you need to know where I am now, to understand them. we''ll get back to the beginning at some point, but for now, the middle is more interesting. We''ll do that part next. What you need to know about the Eternals is that it was in that group that I met the three most interesting people I ever knew, the three people that I loved the most. Unfortunately, they''re gone now. My best friend, my greatest love and my greatest foe. They''re all gone. One, I killed. One killed the other. And one, one that I do not think I every truly knew. But that''s for later.


    Don''t worry. We''ll get there. Together. And by the end of this, you, whoever you are, I hope you will understand me a bit. Not entirely, because that would be impossible. But perhaps, you can know who I am, what I did. I hope that you will understand why I do what I do now. Why I have made it my mission to do the impossible. To end my life. And maybe, just maybe, you will be able to do what I never could.


    Maybe, you will be able to forgive me.

 The Path to the End

    I have not arrived here by accident. I have not come here to this far-flung place out of curiosity. I have come here after a long journey, both physically and mentally. In a life as long as mine, there are naturally hundreds and thousands of events that have brought me here. Of course, there was a major one. A catalyst if you will. But this is not about that. This is about a conversation.


    When I was first brought into the Eternals, I was introduced to those members who were nearby when they held one of their meetings. Imagine the most elegant, most luxurious hotel you have ever seen. The meeting place is basically that. Run by robots, controlled by a true AI, it serves one purpose and one only; to house the Eternals as they travel through eternity. Some of the Eternals spend all their time there, others never go there, but on occasion, when they feel like it, they gather for a meeting. Normally when they are introducing a new member, sometimes when politics in the Universe are running out of control, but mainly just because they feel like it.


    Now, do not think that this group of Eternals acts as some sort of peacekeeper. When you live forever, you have an unlimited amount of time to gain wealth, through a range of means that is equally unlimited. Perhaps I will tell you about them, but not right now. Honestly, most of those machinations bored me, although I was again a rarity amongst them. Most of the Eternals valued wealth and luxury above all else, and few had any scruples about how they gained such wealth.


    Ahh, the stories.


    However, this is not about that. This is about a conversation I had with the eldest of the Eternals, at least that is what they claimed. Certainly, none of the other Eternals challenged the point. Jilan their name was, or more likely is. From a civilisation that had apparently moved past gender, they were more like an organic robot; each body piece being replaced endlessly, growing new ones as they needed them. Over time, they had seemed to lose any real identifying features, and since their face and body changed multiple times since I first met them, I do not know if there is any real way to describe them. Humanoid, although only in the most general sense of the word, a body that changed from a dull blue colour to a golden colour in the time I knew them, Jilan was certainly one of the oldest people I have met, possibly one of the wisest.


    Also one of the most annoying, but that''s not relevent right now.


    Regardless, the conversation that led me to where I am now, was the very first time I met them. It was short, sharp and mostly unpleasant, but it has stuck with me ever since.


    "Which sort are you?" they almost snarled at me.


    "Excuse me?" I replied, flustered.


    I claim your empathy for this, as this was one of the strangest days of my life. By that stage I had spent at least a thousand years thinking that I was the only one like me, the only one living forever. On this day, that thought had been shattered, destroying my sense of uniqueness, and, I admit, my sense of specialness.If you encounter this tale on Amazon, note that it''s taken without the author''s consent. Report it.


    "Which sort of Eternal will you be? Will you be one of the aimless, like those useless piles of flesh that live out their eternities here in this gilded prison? Or will you be an explorer, trying to discover new things? Ha! Pointless aim that it is. The Universe has been explored, at least in any meaningful way. Or will you be a conqueror? Rule a planet with an iron fist, killing all who stand beneath you? A cruel existance, but not the least of them."


    "Ah, huh, I don''t know?"


    "Bah! Of course you don''t. Useless lump that you are."


    They glared at me, seeming to stare into my soul, before finally their eyes softened.


    "Know this, lad. I am the eldest of all the Eternals. I have seen more lives come and go than you have seen days. And all Eternals end the same way. All of them, every, single, one, has eventually given up. Some spend the rest of their lives on a planet, some stay here, doing nothing for the rest of eternity, some seek death. But all eventually surrender to time."


    As I said, an unpleasant conversation.


    However, they were right. In all the time that I have been an Eternal, and I have lasted longer than most, I have seen most of the Eternals that I knew give up. Some still live, waiting out eternity in that place, every need met by the robots. Others have taken lives on some far off planet, living out their lives doing whatever it is that they do. Others has sought out death.


    Of all the Eternals that I have known, only two have died through violence. Once was my greatest love, that was killed by my Greatest foe. The other was when I killed him.


    But overall, most Eternals get bored of living and try to stop it eventually. Even me. Unfortunately, this is much harder for me than the other Eternals. Because of this, I have spent much of my time trying to discover how I became immortal, in order to learn how to undo it. During this time I have spent more time visiting people and worlds who claim to have uncovered the secrets of immortality and other secrets of the universe, hoping that one of them might be able to help me.


    Unsurprisingly, most were complete wastes of time. The worst were the frauds, who knew nothing. Some rare ones were natural traits of the people, still useless to me. The rare few who had discovered a secret for themselves were of occasional help, but little. A few, a tiniest amount of them, occasionally had something useful for me. However, I do not begrudge this time, this effort. I had little else to do with my eternity, so this was at least a way of accomplishing my aim. And I did learn something. I learnt that immortality is a tricky thing. It is often more a view point than an actual fact.


    There is an old story about death. That a man does not die until everything that they had done had stopped having an effect on the world. That when the people stopped speaking your name was when you died. And this belief is oddly common around the universe, particularly on less-developed planets. I cannot count how many times I travelled to a planet like this, having heard that they all lived for thousands of years, only to find out that it was merely people saying that they lived forever. And in all my time, I have found that this is the better way to gain immortality. Not to live forever, for that is exhausting. But to be remembered forever, for your name to live down the ages, that is immortality.


    When I finally finish this quest of mine, when I finally achieve the ending of my life, I will be forgotten by all but a few. In my life I have done things that changed the course of lives of millions, if not even more. Some of these actions were good, others were not. But none of those affected by me will remember me. The only ones who would have missed me are already gone.

 The Vetinari Question

    When you live forever, like I have, the question of morality pops up with annoying regularity. It is hard to live a moral life, when those around you are little more than fireflies, gone almost overnight. And some of the Eternals have embraced that viewpoint, ruling worlds and solar systems as tyrants. However, while you may be hard to kill, overthrowing a tyrant is oddly easy, especially given enough time. One thing we did in the Eternals, during our meetings, was to argue about morality. My favourite argument was the Vetinari Question.


    This is based off a story about the ruler of a city who had arranged things so that everyone was just a bit better off with him as the ruler than they would be with anyone else as the ruler. So, no one wanted to kill him. However, what if he deserved to die?


    The set up to this question is to imagine a gang leader, who eventually, through killing all opponents, comes to rule the underworld of a city. In doing so, there are many innocent casaulties. Some of these are a boys family. The boy then joins a gang to be safe, finding in them a new family. This gang is then also killed by the gang leader as he seized control of the city.


    Now, at this stage, everyone would agree that it would be right to kill the gang leader, and that the boy would be in the right to do so, through loss and through stopping an evil. Ignoring the ideas of law and order, which for the purposes of this Question are irrelevant, few would blame the boy for killing him.This narrative has been unlawfully taken from Royal Road. If you see it on Amazon, please report it.


    However, what if time passes? What if, after seizing control of the underworld, the gang leader then goes on to gain control of the city as a whole? Then, instead of becoming a tyrant, he makes life better for everyone. Funds schools, aids the poor, improves the economy. Would he deserve to die? Is it still ok for the boy to kill him?


    But that is not the final question. During this time, the boy has constantly sought to kill the gang leader. He has become an assasin, gaining experience and skills through killing many people, the innocence of which was never brought into it. So, does this boy, who has become a man steeped in evil and death, still have the right to kill the gang leader, who has become the ruler of the city? Would he be right to do so?


    At this point, the argument becomes that of conflicting moral viewpoints. Does doing good make up for doing bad? And can you justify doing bad to help you do good?


    However, that is still not the final question. The final question is thus; assuming all of what has been said before, imagine now if the gang leader turned city ruler had arranged things in order to make it so that if he died, then the good he had done would be undone. With his death, the city would return to the state it was before he took control, with the poor oppressed and gangs constantly fighting.


    So, now, the boy, who became an assasin is planning his last mission. He will kill the man who destroyed his life, leading him to where he is now. He sneaks into his mansion in the dead of night, approaches the bed of the man who killed everyone he had ever loved, raises his weapon and...


    And freeze!


    This is the question. This is not about the morality of the men''s actions. This is about what would you do if you were the man. Would you kill him? Why and why not?