《The NOT Chronological Mis-Adventures of Prunhiline and Britina》


 Chapter 1 - Day 1: First Mission

    "What did you do?" shouted Britina (Brie-Tina) as she charged her next magic spell.


    "I made tea!" shouted Prunhiline (Prune-Hill-In), knocking back five demons with her war hammer.


    "Where did the demons come from?" Britina demanded, releasing her magic to knock a demon square in the face, sending several others reeling.


    "I was making tea!" shouted Prunhiline. She decided that a demon was a better weapon against other demons. The demon she was currently swinging over her head disagreed. But he wasn''t in a place to argue with the six-foot-seven warrior.


    "What?!" Britina shouted. "Nevermind. Keep them busy. I''ll cast a dispel."


    "Right! Say the pretty words and get rid of them." Prunhiline tossed the demon she was swinging out the window. It was time to brawl.


    Initially excited to be free, the demons looked ready to go home. They backed away, giving the mage room to cast her dispel. Unfortunately, the warrior assumed they were preparing for an attack.


    Prunhiline bellowed a battle cry as she charged the cringing group of demons. The lead demon prayed to the dark lords and, for good measure, to the gods of light. Really, he didn''t care who answered as long as he got to go home.


    The warrior plowed into the group of demons. They scattered from the full force of the warrior''s charge. She grabbed one by his neck with her right hand and another by her left. She swung them about, scattering the poor demons around the room.


    Britina muttered the pretty words of magic, the room glowed, and with a small pop, the demons were gone.


    Britina sat on a wooden box. All of her possessions were packed and ready for storage. Prunhiline sat down on the floor. Most furniture didn''t accommodate her great height.


    "Tea?" Britina panted.


    "No, thank you," Prunhiline said. "I could use an ale."


    Britina glared hard at Prunhiline. "You were making tea?"


    "Oh yeah," Prunhiline found her feet interesting, but not the mage''s glare.


    Britina was still trying to connect tea and demons before asking the obvious question: "Why? You don''t even like tea."


    "You do. I wanted to surprise you with a cup of tea before the ceremony," Prunhiline admitted shyly. She liked to do things for her best friend and recent accidental wife but was always embarrassed by it.


    "Ceremony?" That word meant something to Britina. It meant a great deal for something. "Ceremony? Ceremony! Ceremony!" Britina was on her feet and shouted, "We are late! Why aren''t you ready?"


    "I was making you tea!" Shouted Prunhiline as she grabbed her armor.


    Britina took a few deep breaths, "Why didn''t you wake me?"


    "I was going to wake you with a cup of your favorite tea," Prunhiline mumbled, looking down at the floor.


    Britina smiled, "Thank you, dear love. But we must hurry, or we''ll miss the opening speech."


    "Good!" Prunhiline said with a big grin.


    --


    The crowd of new heroes freshly graduating from the academy stood in the castle''s courtyard. The king surveyed them with pride. The city''s academy was famous for producing the best of the best. His gaze fell on an enormously tall woman in a mix of metal and leather armor, and his thoughts soured. That one was different.


    Prunhiline, a towering six-foot-seven warrior from the plains, looked like she had dressed in a hurry (which she had). Her short brown hair was uncombed. Arguably the finest warrior in her group, some even claimed she was the best in ages. He was told she was proficient in all weapons, including silverware, which bothered him greatly. She was also known for being reckless and brash, especially when beer was involved. The guards knew her well, and many feared her. He was confident this woman would be the first villain to graduate from the academy.


    The king''s gaze drifted to the shorter woman beside the tall warrior. She stood at a regular five-foot-nine and wore a simple blue dress with silver embroidery on the sleeves and collar. Her shoulder-length blond hair was well-groomed and hung loosely around her attractive face. She stood tall and proud. She was Lady Britina from the coastal providence. Like the warrior, she was the best in the class, possibly the best mage to graduate in ages. Rumors whispered that she may even rival the grandmaster in power. The Mage''s Circle had already accepted her, which was highly unusual for a graduate.


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    The king marveled at the striking difference between the two women. The warrior began digging a finger in her ear. The mage noticed and slapped the warrior''s thigh with her left hand. They exchanged a few words before Prunhiline resumed her bored expression. Britina rolled her eyes and adjusted her dress. These two oddly different women were married. He didn''t understand and felt that there was a story to be heard, but no one was talking so far. Gossip was one of his guilty pleasures, and the castle staff kept him in the loop.


    "Hey, Bri?" Prunhiline said through the side of her mouth.


    Britina kept looking ahead but whispered back, "What?"


    "I was thinking," Prunhiline paused, appearing to count to herself, "did all the demons get sent back?"


    "Yes," Britina whispered back, "all of them in the room were gone."


    "Yeah, about that," Prunhiline stood staring at something in the distance, "What if one wasn''t in the room?"


    "Why would there be one not in the room?" Britina began to worry, looking where Prunhiline was staring hard.


    "I may have thrown one out the window," Prunhiline whispered, watching the demon sitting on the castle''s wall.


    "What!" Britina yelled. All eyes were on her. She blushed from the sudden attention and looked down at her feet. "What do you mean?" Britina hissed quietly.


    "There''s one demon left. He''s on the wall." Prunhiline whispered back.


    Britina looked up and saw it. A small red demon watched the ceremony from the top of the castle''s walls. It waved at her. Before Britina could say anything else, her attention was returned to where they were.


    "Lady Britina and Prunhiline of the plains!" the attendant announced. It was their turn, and Britina was excited to speak with the king again. Prunhiline was excited that they were finally given an official quest. The two adventurer''s previous quest didn''t count as it was self-assigned, self-completed, and ended in marriage.


    Prunhiline mumbled, "They should have used my title."


    "If they did, we''d be here all day," Britina mumbled before adding, "What are we going to do about the demon?"


    "That''s the point. I''m that great." The warrior fired back at her companion. Prunhiline''s tribe used all their accomplishments, such as killing monsters, as their title. The warrior had shown proficiency at killing monsters and already had a considerable title. "I don''t know. Leave it?"


    "We can''t leave it." Hissed Britina, "It''s our responsibility to put it back."


    They climbed the stairs to the platform and stood before the king.  Britina curtsied, and Prunhiline waved; the king frowned. Britina quickly elbowed her companion.


    "Lady Britina and Prunhiline. Congratulations on completing your studies at the academy." He said in his official voice. "I will now assign your first mission." Britina and Prunhiline both smiled with anticipation. Kill a dragon? Fight a horde of the undead? Rescue a maiden before she is sacrificed and let it count this time? "You will travel to the Dwarven capital and meet with their king as emissaries to our kingdom." Britina was delighted, but Prunhiline began to sulk. To her, a quest only counted if she got to kill something.


    "Thank you, Your Majesty," Britina said, accepting the parchment from the king. She felt pride in getting their first official mission.


    The king said less formally, "And congratulations on getting married. I just found out this morning." He was hoping to have some juicy gossip for the staff. It made him feel good when he could find out more than they did, which rarely happened.


    "Thank you again, your majesty," Britina looked embarrassed. "It was by accident," she mumbled.


    "By accident?" the king asked, confused. How does someone get married by accident? Was there something he didn''t understand about weddings? He stood in the cathedral and said, "I do." It was pretty simple.


    "My fault." Prunhiline stared down at her feet and began to kick the wooden boards with her right foot. The king was unnerved to see the giant warrior actually embarrassed.


    The king stared at the tall warrior and then down at the mage. He opened his mouth and closed it. Tilted his head to the right and blinked. He looked back at the warrior, who now looked guilty of a high crime. Confusion spread across his face. He looked back at the mage, now looking away, embarrassed. The gears in his head wouldn''t click. With a growing embarrassment that he didn''t understand, he asked, "That will be a story for another day?"


    "Of course, thank you," Britina whispered. Prunhiline nodded. They both seemed to regain their confidence.


    The courtyard was silent as everyone attempted to eavesdrop on the conversation. It was known the two women were married, but not how. The king looked about at the other adventurers in the audience. His mind finally kicked back into gear and announced, "Go forth, my heroes of the realm!" This was how he liked to dismiss each team. Britina bowed, and Prunhiline gave the king a smile and waved as they left the platform. The attendant announced the next group, and the king finally found his groove again.


    "This is exciting, Prunhiline," Britina said as they left the castle.


    "No diplomatic mission can ever be exciting. It''s not like we will fight some powerful mage dressed in all black while his minions dressed in white try to overwhelm us in a desperate attempt to keep us from achieving our mission to save the world." Prunhiline said, kicking a pebble down the road.


    Britina looked at her companion, confused. "I need to start reviewing these books you read." To Prunhiline''s embarrassment, she was surprised that the warrior loved to read. Britina was even more astonished at the strange books the warrior read.


    "Ah, Bri. Don''t say that out loud. I don''t want anyone to know I read books." Prunhiline whispered, looking around as if someone was spying on them and would tell the world that this six-foot-seven muscular warrior loved reading trashy romance novels.


    Britina laughed as she patted the warrior''s arm, "Dear love, your secret is safe with me."

 Chapter 2 - Day 1: Packing & Traveling

    Britina stood beside her chestnut horse, double-checking her bags. She ran through a mental list of her items: a few dresses, her journal, her favorite soap, soap for Prunhiline (who always "forgot" hers), the mission document, and some rations. She was proud of her organizational skills. She was ready for their week''s journey into the mountains. Thankfully, their planned route had many small villages with inns. She hated to "rough it."


    Prunhiline stood beside her large black Percheron, who looked as wild as its owner. But it was a reliable horse and was fearless, brave, and as foolhardy as the warrior. Prunhiline was running down a mental list of what she had packed. She had her sword, daggers, war hammer, fork, and spoon (reserved for ¡°special occasions¡±). She also had hidden several spicy romance novels in a secret pocket in her saddlebags. She never needed rations because she was an excellent hunter like everyone in her tribe.


    "Hey, Bri," Prunhiline called over her large horse, "How many weapons did you bring?"


    Britina thought for a moment. "None," she finally answered. The roads weren¡¯t known to be dangerous, and her magic was often more effective than any weapon.


    "What?" The warrior exclaimed, "Why? You need a weapon."


    Britina sighed. This was an argument they often had. "No, dear love, I don''t. I have my magic."


    "Yeah, and you are great at it, but you know as well as I do that a good weapon can be useful." Prunhiline lectured the mage, her concern touching Britina.


    "Well, then I have you to protect me," Britina said with a smile. She knew that Prunhiline, for all her chaos and brashness, would protect her. She had proved that often and recently.


    Prunhiline rummaged in her saddlebag, causing her weapons to clank loudly. She finally found what she wanted and walked over to Britina, handing her a dagger. Compared to her other daggers, this was the smallest one, but for Britina, it was a good size dagger. Prunhiline''s other "daggers" were short swords for average warriors.


    "This is for you," Prunhiline said. "It''s my favorite. I trust both you with it and it with you." Prunhiline smiled as Britina inspected the dagger.


    "Why is this your favorite?" Britina asked. The dagger was plain yet very sharp due to the warrior''s skill in tending to her weapons. The sheath was black with no markings, and the hilt was wrapped in a simple black leather band. Britina pulled the dagger from its sheath and saw no markings on it.


    "It''s the dagger I bought the day I met you," Prunhiline said as she returned to her horse. She was ready to ride!


    This statement made Britina gasp. This six-foot-seven loud, obnoxious plains-woman could be the kindest, most considerate person. Britina always found herself caught off guard by the strange warrior. Maybe being accidentally married to her best friend wasn''t so bad.


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    The two women mounted their horses and began their journey out of the city. Many citizens knew the two women; they waved and cheered as they passed. A few of the guards were happy to see them go, just for them to have a break from the chaos that followed the tall warrior.


    "Britina!" Yelled Madam Tealie from the door of her tea shop. Britina loved going to her cafe and having a nice cup of tea while she read or discussed various literature with the well-read shop owner. Britina and Prunhiline stopped as the woman walked out into the street. She carried a box. "Here, dear," she said, handing it to Britina. "I hope this tea will bring you comfort on your journey."


    "Thank you, Madam Tealie," Britina said with a big smile. She wondered what kinds of tea she¡¯d find on the journey, but having an old favorite along was comforting.


    "Don''t drink it all in one night, dear," Madam Tealie advised. "You''ll want to save some for the entire journey."


    Britina laughed, "I''ll make sure to save some. It''ll remind me of here. I''m excited to try all the new kinds of tea while we travel."


    "I heard you were going to the dwarven capital?" Madam Tealie said, "You''ll not have any tea there." It was Britina''s turn to be confused. "Dear, dwarves hate tea. You''ll likely not find any there or at any inn." The confusion on Britina''s face turned to shock. "Sorry, dear. It''s a capital drink. The outlying lands only drink ale and beer."


    Prunhiline heard beer and ale. She whooped with excitement. "That''s my kinda place!"


    Britina shot Prunhiline a dirty look and then looked back at Madam Tealie with a thankful smile. "Thank you very much!"


    "Good luck, you two!" Madam Tealie called, waving as she returned to her shop.


    The two adventurers made their way out of the city gates. The last of the guards cheered and waved goodbye. The two would be missed, but a break from them was welcomed.


    Britina pondered what the Dwarven capital would be like while Prunhiline daydreamed of ale, food, and the thrill of killing things.


    "Dear love," Britina said, getting Prunhiline''s attention. "We need to discuss our living arrangements when we get back."


    "Oh yeah, I''ve been thinking about that," Prunhiline said excitedly. Britina was impressed that the warrior had given it some thought. "We could get a big tent and camp out."


    "No," Britina said firmly. "I was thinking something homier."


    "Well, I grew up in a tent," Prunhiline said gloomily.


    "I was thinking we should build ourselves a house," Britina said.


    "A house? Why?" Prunhiline didn''t like the dorms and wasn''t thrilled with a house.


    "Well, no one in the city will rent to us," Britina paused, "for... reasons." Prunhiline looked up at the sky, knowing she was the reason. "If we built a house, we could decide how it¡¯s designed and wouldn¡¯t have to worry about incidents." Again, Prunhiline knew what incidents were being alluded to. (Yes, dear reader, more stories for another time.)


    "Ah, Bri, I''m not big on being inside," Prunhiline said.


    "I know, dear love, but we could have a large yard for you to play in, I mean, practice in." Britina smiled. "I could have a library, a study, and a large, marvelous bath."


    The word bath made Prunhiline shudder. "Yeah, bath, great."


    "Just give it some thought, dear love." Britina smiled at the tall warrior riding her giant horse. She knew she had time for her to convince the outdoorsy warrior.


    "Hey, Bri?" Prunhline asked.


    "Yes, Prunhline." Britina sighed.


    "Did we forget something?" Prunhline asked, looking back at the shrinking city.


    "No, we have our clothes, food, books, weapons, um, and, um¡­." Britina stopped.


    "The demon!" both shouted in unison.


    Prunhiline glanced at Britina, who finally shrugged. "I¡¯m sure it¡¯ll be fine. We¡¯ll deal with it when we get back."


    Britina felt the craziness was behind them. They would be at the first inn by nightfall, and Britina looked forward to a pleasant, quiet journey. The universe chuckled.

 Chapter 3 - Still Day 1: Bickering With Zombies

    "Seriously, have you two ever thought about therapy?"


    The outburst brought the two bickering women''s attention back to the zombie leading the shambling horde towards the small village on the kingdom''s outskirts. Several zombies halted behind their leader, waiting with the kind of patience only the dead possess. The two adventures had left the capital that morning, and they were already battling a horde of undead.


    "What?" Britina growled. Her usually well-combed, shoulder-length blond hair was now a tangled mess. If her hair was any indication of how her day had been, her dress made it clear. Her usually pristine, long blue dress was now in tatters; the right sleeve barely hung on, and holes riddled the fabric. At this rate, she would need a whole new wardrobe again. Thanks to Prunhiline again.


    "I was just saying you two could use some therapy. You''ve been bickering for the last twenty minutes. If you don''t mind, we are hungry and want to dine at yonder village." The zombie pointed with half a finger towards the village behind the pair.


    Prunhiline, the warrior, hefted her massive five-foot war hammer, glaring at the zombie who just wouldn¡¯t shut up. She had never met a zombie who talked as much as this one, and she hated it. Zombies moaned and were crushed by her war hammer; it was that easy.


    Prunhiline''s normally unruly, short brown hair was now singed from Britina''s fireball. Her armor was scorched in several places where she¡¯d taken the brunt of the spell. "Not today, dead boy!" She yelled.


    "Well, that wasn''t very nice, " said the zombie. We are just interested in some dinner."  The other zombies groaned and nodded in agreement.


    "I agree with Prunhiline. You will not dine today." Britina stepped next to her companion while preparing her next fire spell.


    "And whom will stop us?" Asked the now irritated zombie. The other zombies behind him moaned with encouragement. By default, he was their leader, given he was the most articulate of the horde.


    "We will!" The pair yelled together.


    "Yet, you''ve been fighting each other. Who are you?"  The lead zombie asked, licking his cracked lips with a swollen tongue.


    "We have been appointed as official protectors of the realm by the king," said Britina proudly. "I am Lady Britina, Fifth Circle of the Grand Magi. And this is my wife, Prunhiline." Her voice shifted from pride to annoyance at the end.


    Prunhiline took this as her turn to introduce herself. "I am Prunhiline, warrior of the planes, protector of the kingdom, killer of the Torrak, slayer of the dragon Maloon, protector of the village..."


    "Dear love, we don''t have time for your entire title," Britina interjected, cutting her off. Prunhiline scowled at her.


    "Protectors of the realm? Yet you, too, are bickering like children.  Why did you two get married?" The zombie interrupted them before they could begin their bickering again.


    "It was¡­ by accident." Britina sighed. It was a long, long story.


    "Look, us being married isn''t the point.  If she hadn''t hit me with her fireball spell, I would have already re-killed all of you." Prunhiline sneered.


    "Well, if you hadn''t jumped in front of me while I was casting, you wouldn''t have been hit, and they would be incinerated. Instead, you fell back onto me, causing me to rip my dress and misfire my next spell. I¡¯m going to run out of dresses before we get to the Dwarven capital!" Britina shot back, gesturing down at her torn clothes.


    "I''m the warrior; I''m supposed to take point and charge into battle while protecting you." Prunhiline lowered her weapon while turning to the mage. "That''s my job!"


    "Oh, yes, the warrior charging into battle. Did you think that maybe I could cast a spell that would end this quickly?" The mage lowered her arms and looked at the warrior.


    "I''m supposed to protect you!" Exclaimed Prunhiline.


    "Well, maybe I don¡¯t need protecting; maybe you should consider that I don¡¯t want you getting hurt," Britina replied.


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    "I don''t get hurt!" Prunhiline pouted. "I''m a warrior!"  She pounded her armored chest.


    "Warrior or not, you can get hurt. Remember that incident with the dragon." Britina said softer this time. (Yes, dear reader, that¡¯s another story for another day.)


    "That wasn''t as bad as you thought it was." Prunhiline turned away from the mage.


    "What! We both almost got eaten!" Britina exclaimed.


    "Speaking of eating, if you don''t mind, we will be on our way." Said the zombie as he and the other zombies attempted to shamble by the two.


    "No!" They both yelled back.


    "Fine, then. How about you both agree to go to therapy? You seem to have some issues that need to be worked out." The zombie wasn''t giving up. He was beginning to annoy both women.


    "We don''t need therapy." Growled Britina. "We need to be more careful."


    "Careful! We never get anywhere fast enough when we are careful!" Prunhiline was ready to fight.


    "You could get hurt!" Britina shouted.


    "I''m supposed to keep you from getting hurt!" Prunhiline shouted back.


    "But I don''t want you getting hurt trying to protect me!" Britina matched Prunhiline¡¯s volume.


    "It''s my job!" Prunhline shouted.


    "No!" Shouted Britina.


    "Yes!" Shouted Prunhiline.


    The zombie hoard was now getting impatient. It had taken them all morning to shamble from their graves across the field to the village. They were hungry and tired, or as tired as the undead could be. These two odd adventurers were making them late, and they hated to be late.


    "You don''t understand!"


    "You don''t get it!"


    This was getting ridiculous, and they had dinner reservations.


    "Enough!" Shouted the zombie. Pointing to Britina, "As a mage, you should be expected to be careful since you are squishy." Britina''s mouth dropped at the mention of being squishy. He then swung his half-rotted finger towards Prunhiline, "The warrior should be on point and pull the monster, us apparently, from attacking the mage, you." He continued his lecture. "Seems standard procedure to me." The zombie raised his decaying finger with a flourish, filling the air with a smell that left the two women nauseated. He would have rolled his eyes but feared they would have dislodged again.


    "Well, yes," Britina mumbled, embarrassed. "Standard procedure and all that."


    "Yeah, that''s how we roll. She''s the squishy, and I''m the tank! I take it, and she gives it!" Yelled Prunhiline proudly as she did a little dance.


    "Don¡¯t call me ''squishy,''" Britina glared, clearly annoyed.


    "But you are." She pointed down at the mage and gestured at her busty five-foot-nine frame. Britina blushed at the sudden attention to her body.  Unlike Prunhiline, she had some modesty.


    "Enough!" Yelled the zombie before they could get back to bickering. He pointed his rotting finger back at Prunhiline. "As a warrior, you should also be more careful. She is the mage and should be attacking from afar. You charging in without a plan keeps her from accurately attacking your enemy again, which seems to be us. As I said, standard procedure." Prunhiline dropped her gaze to the ground, embarrassed. ¡°Since you are heroes of the realm, teammates, and apparently married, shouldn¡¯t you two have practice things like this?¡±


    The two women looked at each other. They both seemed embarrassed by being called out by the zombie.


    ¡°We do.¡± They said together.


    ¡°Well, then, stick to your training. You both seemed to have lost your focus.¡± The zombie said, "And as I said, you both need therapy, and we have dinner reservations!"


    "You are not eating those villagers!" Britina raised her hands, drawing power to her spell as Prunhiline hefted her oversized war hammer ready for battle.


    "Eat them?!" exclaimed the zombie. "How dare you claim such a thing. We, my dear, are vegetarian zombies. We dine every Tuesday at the inn."  The other zombies looked at each other, shocked by the idea.


    Britina dropped her hands once again as Prunhiline lowered her weapon. They stood shocked at the zombie''s declaration. Vegetarian zombies?


    "You''ve got to be kidding me!" Prunhiline yelled at the zombie.


    "No. Even if I wanted to, I couldn''t eat anyone." The lead zombie smiled, showing off his gums and lack of teeth.


    Britina covered her mouth and looked away in disgust. Prunhiline gaped at the zombies as each smiled, showing that all had most, if not all, of their teeth missing. Vegetarian zombies, this had to be a trick.


    "Excuse me?" Said a man''s voice from behind them. They turned to see the innkeeper wringing his apron in his hands. "I hate to interrupt, uh, this uh, battle? But they have reservations in ten minutes."


    "Thank you, Jon; we will be there in a few minutes," said the lead zombie. "Ladies, would you care to join us?"


    Britina and Prunhiline looked at each other, and both shrugged in agreement. They spent the next ten minutes ambling to the inn. The lead zombie, Jerald, happily conversed with the two about his life as a couples therapist.


    "I have a colleague who still practices in the capital city. You should give him a visit. His name is Doctor Nixium. He''s one of the best," Jerald said, giving Britina the doctor''s card. "We still correspond."


    "Thank you, Jerald. I think we should try therapy," Britina said, taking the zombie''s card.


    "Bah, we don''t need therapy. In our village, we have something way better than that." Prunhiline snarled.


    ¡°And what¡¯s that?¡± asked the zombie, raising a brow.


    "We kill things." Britina rolled her eyes (lucky for her, she didn¡¯t have to worry about them dislodging) at Prunhiline¡¯s answer. According to Prunhiline, killing something was always the answer.


    Since college, they''d been roommates, married (briefly and accidentally), and now, official protectors of the realm. Maybe a little therapy would do them some good. After they met with the Dwarven king, she would make an appointment.


    To get Prunhiline to go, Britina knew she¡¯d have to bribe her with her favorite treats: mammoth legs, beer, and ice cream. Maybe even a ticket to her favorite puppet show when it came to town. Britina sighed; she hated those colorful puppets.

 Chapter 4 - Day 2: You are a what?

    ¡°We should have stayed on the main road like the innkeeper suggested,¡± Britina complained yet again. She was irritated at Prunhiline¡¯s so-called shortcut, which clearly wasn¡¯t.


    ¡°I know this is the right way, Bri.  I have a perfect sense of direction.¡±  Prunhiline shot back.  She didn¡¯t want to alarm the mage, but Prunhiline was never allowed to lead the hunting party.  They had let her once, and they¡¯d ended up at the edge of a volcano. (Big hint: there are no volcanoes on the plains.)


    Britina wished she¡¯d stayed another night at the inn. The food was good, not excellent, but edible. The company had been surprisingly enjoyable, and the zombie horde, it turned out, was quite well-educated. Among them were a therapist, several writers (Britina planned to find their books), a journalist, a detective, a former mayor, scholars from various fields, and even a robber with a love of poetry and history. But the best part was the hot bath; it was absolutely divine. Prunhiline had enjoyed the company and food but passed on the bath, which Britina regretted.


    ¡°Yes, perfect sense of direction.¡±  Britina brought herself back to the conversation.  ¡°If I remember correctly, you got lost in the university.¡±


    ¡°It¡¯s a big school,¡±  Prunhiline whined.


    ¡°True, but the room you needed was next to the one you were in. It took me hours to find you.¡± Giving Prunhiline a hard time made Britina smile.


    Prunhiline scoffed and said, ¡°Whatever.  I know what I¡¯m doing.¡±  She didn¡¯t, and she and the universe knew that.  Prunhiline suddenly stopped and held up her fist as a sign to Britina to stop and listen.  Britina did, knowing that the lack of sense of direction was made up for with her other senses.


    Something big was moving just outside of their sight along the small path they were following. Prunhiline drew her sword, and Britina gathered energy for her spell. Whatever it was, they would defend themselves, and it would regret attacking them. They stayed silent as their horse¡¯s ears twisted about. The horse began to become nervous. Prunhiline dismounted, and Britina followed her lead. They didn¡¯t want to get thrown from their horses if they were suddenly attacked.


    A low snarl came from their right.  Both women shifted to be ready but kept their guard up in case of a surprise from another direction. They had learned this from their classes as well as a hard lesson in real life.  Suddenly, the bush to their right exploded as a large wolf-like creature jumped onto the path.  It howled and snarled at them with its front claws extended.  It stood upright and stood six-foot-five.  Prunhiline wasn¡¯t impressed.  Suddenly, two more werewolves jumped from the bushes, one to the left and the other behind the two adventures.


    Prunhiline let out a loud yell and charged the first werewolf.  It crouched down, ready for the attack.  Britina turned, letting the energy pour into both of her hands.  Prunhiline swung her great sword as the werewolf shifted to the left; a few hairs were shaved off the hairy monster.  The great sword struck the tree to the werewolf''s right, easily cleaving through the trunk.  Britina sent blasts of blue energy at the two remaining werewolves.  They jumped and howled.


    This content has been misappropriated from Royal Road; report any instances of this story if found elsewhere.


    The first werewolf rolled to its feet and stared at the fallen tree.  ¡°Wait!¡± It shouted, holding up its claws.  ¡°Are you using real weapons?¡±  Prunhiline turned, ready to cut the werewolf in half, but paused at what it said.  ¡°Wait! Wait!¡± the creature shouted again.


    The other two werewolves began to yell, ¡°Stop! Wait! She¡¯s using real magic!¡±


    Britina and Prunhilne stopped and stared at the monsters, unsure what to do next. Britina finally broke the awkward silence, saying, ¡°Of course, I¡¯m using real magic. We are heroes of the realm.¡±


    ¡°Heroes?¡± Said the first werewolf, ¡°We weren¡¯t told anything about heroes.¡±


    ¡°It doesn¡¯t matter what you were told.  I¡¯ll cut you in half.¡± Snarled Prunhiline as she hefted her great sword.


    ¡°What? That¡¯s not part of the script!¡±  Yelled the first werewolf.


    ¡°Script?¡±  Britina asked.  The other two werewolves had taken refuge behind some trees.  They both peeked out of their hiding places and nodded in agreement.


    ¡°Yes, this is a scripted adventure. Why are you using real magic and a real weapon?¡±  The werewolf was visibly panicking now.  ¡°We are actors! We don¡¯t do stunts!¡±


    ¡°Actors?¡± Prunhiline asked, clearly confused.


    ¡°Yes!  Please stop!¡±  The bravest of the three begged.


    ¡°What is going on?¡±  Britina demanded.


    ¡°Please put down your weapon. I really don¡¯t want to die.  I¡¯ve got an audition next week that could be my big break.¡±  The creature looked on the verge of crying.


    Britina nodded to Prunhiline, who grudgingly lowered her sword.  ¡°Talk!¡±  Prunhiline demanded.


    The werewolf took a deep breath, ¡°We are actors for a scripted adventure.  We are a random encounter where adventures with fake weapons and fake magic can defeat us.  It¡¯s not the best gig, but it pays the bills.¡±  The two women stared at the monster.  He continued nervously, ¡°It¡¯s a roleplay for rich nobles who want to feel like they are in danger but aren¡¯t really.¡±


    ¡°Oh, like a game?¡±  Britina asked.


    ¡°Yes! It¡¯s all make-believe.  Aren¡¯t you the two that signed up?¡±  The werewolf asked.


    ¡°No! I only do real battle!¡±  Prunhiline was insulted that this was a game.  A game!


    ¡°Sorry,¡± the werewolf whimpered, cowering. ¡°We didn¡¯t mean to attack you.¡±


    Britina sighed loudly, ¡°Dear love, put away your sword.  These are actors.  Looks like we wandered into some kind of strange play.¡±  Prunhilne frowned but complied.  The other werewolves emerged cautiously. ¡°We¡¯re truly sorry for scaring you. It seems we¡¯re a bit lost.¡±


    Prunhiline grumbled.


    ¡°Lost? Where are you headed?¡± the lead werewolf asked, visibly relaxing as the great sword returned to its sheath.


    ¡°The dwarven capital,¡±  Britina said.


    ¡°Ah, well, you¡¯re actually headed the wrong way. At the next fork, go left. That¡¯ll take you to Hapershire village.¡± The werewolf pointed down the path.


    Prunhiline suddenly found everything but Britina interesting. Britina turned and glared. ¡°Hapershire? That¡¯s where we were this morning.¡± Prunhiline busied herself with her saddle. Britina sighed, once again questioning Prunhiline¡¯s ¡°perfect sense of direction.¡± The universe laughed.  She turned back to the werewolf, ¡°Thank you, good sir.  We¡¯ll be on our way. Good luck with your play or whatever.¡±


    The two women mounted their horses and waved goodbye to the werewolves. They found the fork and turned left, which led them back to where they had begun that morning. The innkeeper was delighted to see them again. As they ate dinner, two well-dressed men entered the inn.


    The first man was obviously very irritated, ¡°I told you we should have turned right instead of left.  We never did have our adventure with the werewolves.  I¡¯m going to demand my money back!¡±


    The second man, not as irritated, said, ¡°I¡¯m glad we made it back here safely. There was no telling what horrid, dangerous creatures were in the forest. I could have sworn I heard a bear.¡±


    Prunhiline looked at Britina, and the two shared a much-needed laugh.

 Chapter 5 - Day 3: Back on the correct road

    "We are not leaving the main road again,¡± Britina declared as Prunhiline let out a low grumble. They had left the inn again and had an uneventful half-day ride.  At this pace, they¡¯d reach the next village well before nightfall, which delighted Britina. She needed a hot tea and a hot bath.  Prunhiline also needed a bath, but that would be a problem Britina was willing to face after her hot tea and hot bath.


    A noise came from the right side of the road.  The women ignored it.  It was probably play-acting dragons or thespian trolls.  Britina wasn¡¯t in the mood. But ever the warrior, Prunhiline rested her hand on her weapon, always on guard and hoping for a fight.


    A noise erupted from both sides of the road as ten men, five on each side, jumped out.  One man, dressed head-to-toe in green and wielding a bow, stepped directly into their path.  Raising one hand, he shouted, ¡°Hold!¡± The women halted, eyeing him curiously. ¡°We are Ralph¡¯s Roughnecks. I am Ralph, and we are here to claim the toll of using our road.¡±  The two women simply stared at him, making him visibly uncomfortable. This wasn¡¯t how it usually went.


    ¡°Excuse me,¡±  Britina said. The man gave her a big smile. He was a thief, but he still considered himself a polite thief. ¡°You aren¡¯t by any chance thespians?¡±  The man gave her a confused look.  ¡°You know, actors.¡±  The man looked to his companions as they all looked at him and each other.  They had never been asked that before.  The universe chuckled.


    Finally, one man raised his hand, ¡°I used to do some acting back in school before I dropped out.¡±


    ¡°He was pretty good too.¡± One man said, and several nodded in agreement.


    ¡°Good,¡± Britina asked the man, ¡°Are you acting now?¡±


    The thespian in question looked at his companions for support. ¡°Well, I do try to channel my inner bandit when we rob people.¡±  The man said.  The other men nodded to each other.  It was a good answer.


    ¡°But are you a real bandit?¡±  Prunhiline asked, leaning forward in her saddle.  The excitement of battle began to make her happy.  She had a lot of pent-up frustration from their last two nonexistent ¡°battles.¡±


    ¡°Well, yes.¡±  The green-clad leader said with some flamboyance. ¡°We are bandits, and we wish to relieve you of the burden of your gold.¡±  He gave a slight bow and a large smile, showing all his intact white teeth.


    ¡°Good, good,¡±  Britina said, happy that this wouldn¡¯t be a misunderstanding like the last two times. She was getting tired of these missed opportunities to be a hero.  Besides, lectures from zombies were getting tiresome. The werewolves were lovely, and she hoped she would see them again. (She would, but that¡¯s another story for another time.)


    This tale has been unlawfully lifted from Royal Road. If you spot it on Amazon, please report it.


    Prunhiline gave the man an extra-large wicket smile, which made all the bandits uncomfortable. ¡°So, this is real?¡±  she practically bounced in her saddle.


    ¡°Yes, dear love. This is real.¡± Britina began to match her companion¡¯s wicked grin.


    ¡°Um, why are you smiling like that?  We are robbing you, " the leader said, not understanding the situation. The universe laughed.


    ¡°Oh?¡±  Both women said.


    Prunhiline dismounted her horse.  The tallest of the men was six-three. She stared down at them.  They looked at each other, not knowing what to do. By this point, most travelers were usually begging for mercy.  This tall woman looked through her bags as if on a holiday.  Which, for Prunhiline, she was.  The men gasped as she slowly pulled out her large, imposing war hammer. They didn¡¯t like where this was going.


    ¡°Bri?¡± Prunhiline asked.  Britina looked over at her companion.  ¡°Blast any that run!¡± Prunhiline said with way too much glee.


    ¡°Yes, dear love.¡±  Britina eagerly agreed, preparing her spell.


    Three men rushed at the tall warrior. She swung her war hammer, sending them flying onto their backsides. Their ribs hurt, their butts hurt, and their spleens hurt (and they didn¡¯t know where their spleen was that morning).  The leader raised his bow, only for it to shatter in his hands from one of Britina¡¯s energy blasts. Two more men rushed Prunhiline; she twirled around and swung her legs to sweep them off their feet.  They, too, learned where their spleen was located.  The four remaining men looked at each other.  Two began to run down the road as two energy blasts knocked them hard to the ground.  One ran toward Prunhiline and the other toward Britina. Prunhiline knocked the man hard on the forehead with the butt of her war hammer.  Britina allowed the man to get close before blasting him squarely in the face. The five men on the ground scrambled to their feet only to be knocked down by Prunhiline¡¯s fierce war hammer.


    The leader watched in awe and fear.  No one had ever fought back like this before. ¡°Retreat!¡± he shouted.  All of the men tried to get away.  Several found the war hammer¡¯s reach was greater than expected and again found themselves on the ground.  Energy spells were blasting the few not within the war hammer''s reach.  The men began to scream and panic.


    ¡°Run!¡± One man shouted as they all began to scatter in different directions. Prunhiline started to pursue, but Britina shouted for her to stop.


    ¡°Fine! Run, you cowards!  I¡¯ll find you later!¡±  Prunhiline shouted after them.


    Britina laughed, feeling refreshed. At last, a battle had gone the way she wanted. ¡°Dear love, we did good,¡±  Britina said, feeling more refreshed and confident.


    ¡°Yeah, but they got away,¡±  Prunhiline complained.


    ¡°We let them go, dear love. We still have our mission, and it doesn¡¯t include rounding up bandits,¡± Britina reminded her.


    ¡°You¡¯re right, Bri,¡±  Prunhiline grumbled.  She perked up, adding, ¡°But that was fun!¡±


    ¡°Yes, it was, dear love.¡±  Britina smiled.

 Chapter 6 - Day 3: Stopping at the village

    ¡°It¡¯s good to be at an inn before dark,¡±  Britina said as she stretched her soar muscles.  She and Prunhiline had dismounted and given their horses to the stable lad.  He looked up at the tall warrior in awe.  Prunhiline swung her arms and stretched her long legs.


    ¡°I¡¯d be happy to sleep under the stars,¡± Prunhiline said.  She loved being outdoors but knew the mage didn¡¯t.


    ¡°Well, we will have a nice meal, some tea for me and beer for you, and a nice soft bed.¡±  Britina looked at her companion, ¡°And a hot bath before bedtime.¡±  Prunhiline shuddered.  ¡°A hot bath for both of us before bedtime,¡±  Britina said sternly.  The warrior was becoming ripe.


    ¡°Briiii, do I have to?¡±  The tall warrior whined.


    ¡°Yes,¡±  Britina hissed. Even the horses were beginning to show signs that they thought the warrior stunk.


    The innkeeper excitedly greeted them as they entered the inn: ¡°Welcome! Welcome! Two rooms and a meal?¡±


    ¡°Two rooms, meals, and two hot baths,¡±  Britina said as Prunhiline scowled at the floor.  ¡°Do you have any tea?¡±


    ¡°Not many people drink tea, but I do have some in my personal collection.  I love tea myself.¡±  The innkeeper said.


    ¡°Wonderful,¡± Britina clapped, ¡°And a few ales for my friend.¡±  This made Prunhiline perk up.  Ale beats a bath anytime.


    The stable boy brought in their bags and delivered them to their rooms.  Britina was very impressed with the service they were getting.  The two women sat down to enjoy a nice meal, tea, and ale.  The food was better than expected.  The tea was not the best she had had, but it was good and satisfied her craving for it.  Prunhiline, on the other hand, devoured the food as if it was the best meal in the world and gulped down her first mug of ale.  Britina had tried and failed at getting her companion to have some manners.  Prunhiline was a lost cause.


    As the two women finished their meal and drinks, the innkeeper, Dale, said, ¡°We have your baths ready in your rooms.¡±


    ¡°Thank you, Dale,¡±  Britina said.  Prunhiline grunted and resigned herself to the punishment of a bath.


    As the two made their way up the stairs to their rooms, Britina reminded Prunhiline, ¡°No weapons in the tub.  Remember what happened last time.¡±


    ¡°Yeah, yeah. The water was everywhere.¡±  Prunhiline grumbled, ¡°But what if someone attacked me while I was bathing.¡±  The last part was a cross between a growl and a whimper.


    ¡°Well, in that case, you can go on a full rampage,¡±  Britina said. There was little to no chance of the warrior being attacked while bathing, so the mage felt confident that it would be OK to relent. The universe laughed.


    If you stumble upon this narrative on Amazon, it''s taken without the author''s consent. Report it.


    ¡°Really?¡±  Prunhiline said excitedly.


    ¡°Yes, dear love, a full rampage.¡±  Britina smiled.  Maybe this was the way to get her to bathe more often.  Prunhiline loved a good rampage.


    ¡°Right!  Bath time!¡±  Prunhiline said with some actual enthusiasm.


    Britina wasn¡¯t worried about rampages in this small town.  She smiled and pumped her fist in a mock cheer as the warrior bounded up the stairs to her room.  She finished her tea, thanked the innkeeper, and followed the warrior.  She was looking forward to a good hot bath.  Two pairs of sinister eyes followed the two up the stairs.


    ¡°You sure that¡¯s them?¡± Said one pair of sinister eyes.


    ¡°Yeah, the mage and the giant.¡± Said the second pair.


    ¡°Should we tell the boss?¡±  The first asked.


    ¡°Nah, they match the description.  Let¡¯s kill them and then tell the boss.¡±  The second pair said.  ¡°Let¡¯s start with the giant. The other smaller woman won¡¯t be a problem.¡± The universe rolled with laughter.


    Prunhiline sat in the bathtub with her yellow wooden ducky.  The tub was too small for her, and she had almost to fold herself in half.  Her knees were nearly touching her chin.  Splash went the ducky as Prunhiline excitedly said, ¡°Rampage¡± to the empty room, ¡°Boom!¡± in went the ducky.


    As Prunhiline was prepared to dunk her ducky again, the door of her room smashed open as two large men rushed in, brandishing their weapons and screaming.


    Prunhiline looked at the two men and clapped her hands. ¡°Yes!!! The bath¡¯s over! Rampage time!¡±


    This wasn¡¯t the reaction the two men were expecting. They stopped yelling and lowered their weapons. Finally, one of the men decided that more yelling and brandishing of his weapon was needed. The other was confused but felt left out, so he started to yell and wave his weapon about, too.


    Prunhiline unfolded from the tub. She stood naked and wet, holding her ducky. She began to yell and swing her ducky like a weapon. The men yelled louder, and the warrior matched their volume.


    Britina sunk into the warm, soapy water as the yelling started. She rolled her eyes and sighed in frustration. She wanted this bath, so she decided to leave the tub after the yelling stopped. She would need another bath after the cleanup.


    The men stopped yelling and stared at the tall, naked, wet warrior. Prunhiline stopped and stared back momentarily as she shouted, ¡°RAMPAGE!¡±  She grabbed her sword, which was leaning against the tub, and charged. The men screamed in terror and ran.


    When Britina heard Prunhiline scream rampage, she reluctantly climbed from the tub. She took her time drying and dressing, wanting the warrior to have a little fun.


    A naked Prunhiline charged out the door after the frightened men.  They ran down the stairs screaming as loud as they could as if a six-foot-seven tall plains-woman with a giant sword was chasing them, which she was. Prunhiline did her best to scream just as loud as she swung the great sword over her head, intending to behead one or both of the men.  She was in rampage mode!  The men were in terrified mode.  Britina was in her let Prunhiline have some fun mode.


    Britina left her room and saw a naked Prunhiline run out of the inn.  She sighed and remembered that the warrior had no problems with nudity in public.  Britina tried to get the warrior to understand that some people and cultures frown on it, but her friend¡¯s response was always the same: I don¡¯t have a problem with my body; if someone else does, it¡¯s their problem, not mine.  Britina appreciated her friend''s body positive outlook but still wanted the warrior to wear clothes. So, the mage chased after the naked warrior as she prepared a spell to cover up said warrior.

 Chapter 7 - Day 3: Running Naked Through the Village

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    Prunhiline was elated, happier than she''d been in hours. The men she pursued were horrified, more terrified than ever in their lives. Britina, however, was unamused; this was par for the course. The villagers reacted with a blend of fear, amusement, and mortification. This scene would soon be retold as the infamous Battle of the Naked Amazon Warrior.


    ¡°Prunhiline!¡± Screamed the unamused mage.  ¡°Stop!¡±


    Prunhiline heard Britina, but she was in full rampage mode, which meant she wouldn¡¯t stop until she hit someone. Her prime targets were the two men who¡¯d dared interrupt her dreaded bath. She wanted to thank them, perhaps before she killed them or maybe during; that would be better. Deciding to do both, she bellowed a battle cry that further unsettled everyone except Britina: ¡°THANK YOU FOR INTERRUPTING MY BATH!¡± It was an odd war cry, but it suited her. Britina simply rolled her eyes, chasing after the much faster naked warrior.


    The two would-be assassins ran into a large house and slammed the front door behind them.  One of them attempted to lock the door but was surprised by the sword slicing through the door, barely missing his face.  The man screamed and lunged back from the door in time to see it explode in a hail of splinters.  The naked warrior burst into the main room of the house.


    Ralph relaxed into the coziest chair in his hideout as his men drank, sang, and boasted around him. He took a long pull from his ale just as the front door burst open, sending two of his men screaming into the room. As they slammed the door shut, it exploded behind them. Into the room leaped a tall, naked woman, who was strangely familiar. Ralph stared at her as she surveyed the space, unshaken. She seemed to be sizing them up and looked unimpressed. Something nagged at him: warrior, road, humiliation. Suddenly, recognition hit him. She was the warrior who¡¯d shamed him on the road! The voice in his head screamed, Run! Ignoring it, he grabbed his sword and charged at her, muttering a prayer to any gods who¡¯d listen. The gods watched, amused, but stayed out of it.


    Prunhiline screamed, not in fear of the twenty men before her, nor the one now charging at her, but with sheer delight at plunging into battle. She felt free and alive. Her sword met the strike of a vaguely familiar foe, but she didn¡¯t care. He was the enemy, and he was there to be defeated.


    Britina caught up with her companion.  She surveyed the room and recognized Ralph, the leader, and a few other men.  She shouted, ¡°Prunhiline, bandits from the road, attack!¡±  Prunhiline liked the last word.


    When Britina yelled attack, Prunhiline knew she could cut loose and have some fun, and she did with the delight of a child on Winter Solstice morning! Here is an accurate account of the battle, or as precise as one can be made:


    Ralph, the leader, had his sword blocked with ease.  His surprise was abandoned as the pain of having the bare foot of the six-foot-seven warrior kicking into his chest caused him to sail backward into Bandit Two, who didn¡¯t stand much chance as it was. Bandits three and four (the ones from before) were on either side of the warrior. They charged but found themselves blown back into the wall by two fireballs thrown expertly from the hands of Britina.  Bandit five had his jaw and nose broken by a left hook from Prunhiline as bandit six got caught with the pummel of her sword.Taken from Royal Road, this narrative should be reported if found on Amazon.


    Bandits seven through twenty remained, somehow feeling that the two women outnumbered them. Seven managed a weak battle cry, or more of a whimper, as he lunged with his dagger at the berserker warrior. Prunhiline¡¯s blade shattered both his weapon and his courage, and she slapped him to the floor with her left hand, where he decided staying down was honorable enough. Bandits eight, nine, and ten rushed her, screaming in terror, while bandits eleven and twelve pulled out bows from the back of the hideout.


    Eight and ten were both struck on the respective sides of their heads with the warrior fists (one was holding a sword), which caused them to slam into nine who was between them.  The warrior did a wide swing with her sword, but the men had collapsed and escaped decapitation.  Nine grabbed eight, and ten grabbed nine as they huddled together, pretending to be out.


    Eleven and twelve had loosened arrows at the warrior, but the arrows burst into flames and disintegrated before they came close to hitting their target.  The two men tried to draw a second volley only to have their bows burst into flames and become ash.  Before the two could rationalize what had happened, they were both hit in the face with searing hot fireballs.  With sunburned faces, they collapsed as well.


    Thirteen found he was an unlucky number. He faced the tall warrior with his sword and no chance of escape. She had a laser focus on him. He held his sword out to protect himself. The warrior cut his sword in two. He held his hands up, but before he could surrender, he was knocked cold with the pummel of the warrior¡¯s sword.


    This left fourteen through twenty.  Fourteen had wet himself; he wasn¡¯t proud of that moment, but it was all he could do.  The pummel of the sword had caught him on the side of his head as the warrior was swinging her sword back in preparation for gutting fifteen.  She didn¡¯t realize that she had knocked him out.  He didn¡¯t care that she didn¡¯t know.


    Fifteen decided he was going to put up a fight.  He raised his war hammer and was prepared to bust open the warrior''s head.  He found instead that he had left himself open to her long-bladed sword, which easily slid through him.  To his surprise, she missed all major organs, but he didn¡¯t stay conscious long enough to appreciate it.


    Sixteen and seventeen tried to make their way around the warrior. It is unknown if they were flanking her to attack or, more reasonably, trying to escape. They didn¡¯t make it far. Their feet turned to ice, quickly expanding their bodies, freezing them solid. They decided it was an excellent place to chill out.


    Eighteen, nineteen, and twenty were left standing.  Eighteen dropped his weapon, fell to his knees, and prayed.  It is assumed he prayed to all the gods in the hope of one of them listening.  The only answer he got was laughter.


    Nineteen didn¡¯t think what he was going to do; he just leaped at the warrior, grabbing her by the naked waist.  He was dragged behind Prunhiline as she charged after twenty, who had decided to run towards the back exit.  Prunhiline threw her sword, embedding it into the door frame and door, locking the last man in with her.  Twenty turned to find a fist making a fast trajectory at his face.  He went down.


    Prunhiline walked back to Britina, Bandit Nineteen still stubbornly clinging to her waist. Britina glanced from the man to her companion. ¡°What about him?¡± she asked.


    ¡°Who?¡± Prunhiline looked around.


    ¡°Him!¡± Britina pointed at the man with his arms around the naked warrior¡¯s waist.


    ¡°Oh, him.¡±  Prunhiline hit him on top of his head with her fist.  He was out.


    Britina began a spell. Slowly, clothes materialized onto the warrior. Prunhiline looked down. ¡°Cool! I forgot I was naked.¡± Britina rolled her eyes.

 Chapter 8 - Day 3: Rampage Aftermath

    The townspeople rushed in, quickly tying up the bandits. Prunhiline and Britina stood in the town square, talking with the innkeeper, who was also the town¡¯s mayor and sheriff.


    ¡°So, the bandits came to the town several months ago and took the whole town hostage.¡± Britina was making sure she understood why the bandits were there.


    ¡°Yes, they forced many of the men to join, threatening to harm their families if they refused,¡± said Dale.


    ¡°So, we beat up villagers, too?¡± Prunhiline asked. She didn¡¯t want ¡°conqueror of villagers¡± as part of her title.


    ¡°Yes, but don¡¯t worry. We understand.¡± Dale said.


    The two women watched as several men were led out of the hideout. Britina counted and realized that fifteen out of twenty were villagers. This wasn¡¯t looking good for Prunhiline¡¯s title.


    The five remaining men were taken to the inn¡¯s basement, which doubled as a food cellar and jail. The two women began to feel slightly embarrassed.


    ¡°Maybe we should keep this between us,¡± Britina said.


    ¡°No! I want to write to the king about how the heroes of the realm saved our village!¡± Dale said. He¡¯d always wanted to send a letter to the king. He¡¯d even tried a few times but felt silly with letters that started, ¡°Hi, how are you?¡±


    ¡°Well, we are heroes of the realm.¡± Britina looked around. ¡°But¡­could we maybe leave out the part where most of the bandits were villagers?¡±


    ¡°Of course!¡± Dale said, understanding the heroes¡¯ embarrassment. ¡°I¡¯ll stick to the facts¡­but maybe skip a few details.¡±


    ¡°We¡¯d appreciate that,¡± Britina said.


    ¡°Liberator of villages!¡± Prunhiline exclaimed.


    Dale looked at her, confused, as Britina smiled. Prunhiline was working out how to add to her already long title.


    Prunhiline stood to her full height¡ªsix-foot-seven and three-quarters, pointed her finger in the air and declared, ¡°I am Prunhiline of the Plains! Liberator of villages, defeater of¡­¡±


    Britina interrupted, ¡°Dear love, we need to get some rest. We still have a long journey ahead of us tomorrow.¡± Britina thought to herself, ¡°I am Britina of the sea, the savor of keeping people from hearing Prunhiline¡¯s full title.¡±This story has been unlawfully obtained without the author''s consent. Report any appearances on Amazon.


    ¡°Do I have to take another bath?¡± Prunhiline asked as they walked with Dale back to the inn.


    ¡°No, dear love. I think we¡¯ve had enough rampaging adventures for today,¡± Britina replied. Dale nodded, clearly relieved at the prospect of no more baths.


    ¡°How about another ale and a nice wine for the lady,¡± Dale said.


    ¡°Ale? Count me in!¡± Prunhiline said.


    ¡°Thank you, Dale. I''d like a nice glass of wine,¡± Britina said, smiling at the innkeeper.


    The three settled at a table by the fire. Dale brought out a bottle of wine for himself and Britina, and a large mug of ale for Prunhiline.


    ¡°You are going to see the King of the Dwarves?¡± Dale asked. ¡°I¡¯ve heard he can be rather difficult. We get a few dwarves through here going to trade at the capital. They mostly keep to themselves and only stay for a few mugs of ale even though they all complain that it¡¯s not as good as back home.¡±


    ¡°Dwarven ale is the best!¡± Prunhiline said, taking another gulp of her ale. ¡°It¡¯s strong and will put hair on your legs.¡± Britina stared blankly at the warrior.


    ¡°So, I¡¯ve heard.¡± Said Dale, ¡°They even show off their legs when they say that.¡±


    Britina imagined the Dwarven king would be more like Prunhiline than a typical royal. She began to dread the mission; it had been a misadventure from the start, and she only hoped the rest of the craziness was behind them. The universe chuckled, but she refused to hear it.


    ¡°Well, ladies, I need to check on the prisoners, and then I¡¯m off to bed,¡± Dale said as he rose from his seat.


    ¡°That sounds like a fine idea, Dale,¡± Britina said, yawning into the back of her hand.


    ¡°Yep! I¡¯m ready for some bunk time.¡± Prunhiline said, downing the last of her ale.


    Dale parted ways with the two adventurers. As the women ascended the stairs, he opened the door to the cellar. Prunhiline was asleep as soon as her head hit the pillow, while Britina took a moment to write in her diary before settling in for the night.


    Dale was not happy. He entered the makeshift jail and glared at Ralph and the four other men. ¡°You idiots nearly gave the whole operation away,¡± he growled, kicking the two who¡¯d started the mess. ¡°And you, Ralph, I told you to lay low! I knew heroes would come through here eventually, but you had to pull one more job.¡±


    ¡°Boss!¡± Ralph said, ¡°We didn¡¯t know those two were the heroes. Look at them. They are...¡±He stopped, ¡°Odd.¡±


    ¡°Odd and powerful. Those two oddities took down all our men without breaking a sweat. By the goddess Candy!¡± Dale swore. ¡°One was naked!¡±


    The five men looked down at the floor in shame.  They knew they had been beaten.


    ¡°What are we going to do, boss?¡± Ralph said. ¡°They are expecting us to be tried or sent to the capital or¡­¡± Ralph paled, ¡°executed.¡±


    ¡°Shut up, you idiot. Our ¡®guards¡¯ will fall asleep, and you five will slip out in the middle of the night. With the excitement and the booze, the two ¡®heroes¡¯ should sleep through it all. Not a sound, understand?¡± Dale pointed sternly at the men.


    ¡°Yeah, boss.¡± They all said.


    Dale turned to the two ¡°guards.¡± ¡°Now, get comfortable. I want you out cold soon. Make it look good.¡±


    ¡°What if they want to pursue?¡± Ralph asked.


    ¡°They won¡¯t. I¡¯ll remind them they have an appointment to keep, and we¡¯ll set up defense until the king can send men to help,¡± Dale said. ¡°The king will send men?¡± Ralph was shocked. That would ruin the whole operation.


    ¡°No, you idiot! I¡¯ll write to the king, praising the heroes and assuring him all is well.¡± Dale really wanted to send a letter to the king, and this was his chance. ¡°I¡¯m going to bed!¡± He stormed off, leaving the men confused and worried.

 Chapter 9 - Day 4: Back on the Road to the Capital

    ¡°They escaped!¡± exclaimed Britina, her voice tense with surprise.


    ¡°I¡¯m truly sorry. The guards were tired from yesterday''s incident and fell asleep. Our little town isn¡¯t prepared for bandits to be locked up,¡± Dale said.


    ¡°We¡¯ll need to go after them!¡± Prunhiline said as she stood up.


    ¡°No!¡± Dale exclaimed. Noticing the two women¡¯s surprised reaction, he gave an awkward laugh. ¡°We can handle it from here. I¡¯ve already sent word to the king, and I''m confident he¡¯ll send reinforcements. Besides, aren¡¯t you late for your meeting with the dwarven king?¡± Dale added with his best ''I''m on top of this'' smile.


    ¡°Yes, of course, you are correct, Dale,¡± Britina said.


    Dale had served them eggs and bacon for breakfast. He had brought out a lovely tea for Britina and had some ¡®breakfast¡¯ ale for Prunhiline. The warrior had never heard of ¡®breakfast¡¯ ale, but she liked the idea and was going to mention that in her next letter to her family. They will make it a tradition.


    Prunhiline and Britina stocked up on supplies at the local market, feeling slightly embarrassed to encounter two men they¡¯d beaten up the night before. Fortunately, there were no hard feelings, but the two were glad to be done with their errands.


    ¡°Hold up a minute, Bri,¡± Prunhiline said as they walked back to the stables. ¡°I need to see if the blacksmith can sharpen my sword after last night''s battle.¡±


    They entered the blacksmith''s shop to find another man they had beaten the night before. He gave them a giant smile and seemed very nice. ¡°What can I do for you ladies?¡±


    Britina hoped Prunhiline would be more tactful and say she was browsing. Instead, the tall warrior unsheathed her broadsword, prompting the blacksmith to step back.


    ¡°Hey! I was just following orders!¡± the blacksmith protested loudly.


    ¡°What?¡± asked the clueless warrior. ¡°I just want you to sharpen it. It felt dull last night.¡±


    ¡°Didn¡¯t feel dull to me,¡± the blacksmith growled, gesturing to a bandage wrapped around his stomach. ¡°Felt plenty sharp, actually,¡± he added with a razor-edged sarcasm.


    ¡°Oh! You were the one I stabbed. You seem okay,¡± Prunhiline said as Britina gave a facepalm.


    ¡°Yeah, they said you missed all my major organs. Just a nasty flesh wound,¡± he muttered, eyeing the dreaded sword. He sharpened the weapon with a grimace and a glare at the two women, then handed it back. ¡°There,¡± he said, ¡°all sharp and ready to kill someone.¡±Unauthorized tale usage: if you spot this story on Amazon, report the violation.


    Prunhiline grabbed the sword and gave it a few experimental swings. The blacksmith jumped back to hide behind his anvil. ¡°Nice work.¡± She tossed him some coins.


    As they walked back to the stable, Britina said, ¡°I can¡¯t believe you just had a man who you stabbed sharpen the sword you stabbed him with.¡±


    ¡°Why not?¡± Prunhiline looked at her companion. "It would be an honor to sharpen the sword that defeated me if there was one that could.¡±


    Prunhiline gave out a hearty laugh. Britina shook her head. They mounted their horse, tipped the stableboy, and headed into the warm morning sun. They rode in silence for some time. Britina was pondering how the trip couldn¡¯t get any more chaotic. Prunhiline was pondering what she was going to get to kill next.


    ¡°Say, Bri?¡± Prunhiline said, ¡°I was thinking. We have had a run-in with zombies, werewolves, and bandits. What next?¡±


    ¡°I¡¯m hoping nothing,¡± Britina said.


    ¡°Awe, come one, Bri. Maybe a dragon? Or something dangerous!¡±


    Prunhiline became increasingly animated in her saddle.


    ¡°More dangerous than a dragon?¡± Britina asked. ¡°I¡¯d like a nice, peaceful ride to the Dwarven capital and to be done with this mission. Besides, what would be more dangerous than a dragon?¡±


    ¡°I don¡¯t know, squirrels?¡± Prunhiline suggested more seriously than anyone should be when talking about squirrels.


    Britina laughed, ¡°Right now, I¡¯d rather take on a squirrel than take on more vegetarian zombies, thespian werewolves, or beating up villagers.¡±


    ¡°Oh no, the dreaded monster squirrel!¡± Prunhiline laughed along with her wife. ¡°I am Prunhiline of the Plains, conqueror of squirrels!¡± This set them both laughing uncontrollably.


    ¡°Have you given our new home any thought?¡± Britina asked, bringing the conversation back to a more serious topic.


    ¡°Yeah, kinda.¡± Prunhiline said, ¡°I¡¯m not much for a house, but if it had some big rooms and high ceilings, it would be nice.¡±


    ¡°We could have high ceilings and tall doors for you,¡± Britina said. They remembered the trouble the tall warrior had with some of the doors at the academy. It was more than once that Prunhiline would hit her head on the top of the door frame.


    ¡°That would be sweet. I hate hitting my head.¡± The warrior rubbed her forehead.


    ¡°And we could have a large yard where you could set up some practice areas for you to work out.¡± Britina knew she was sweetening the deal.


    ¡°Really! Maybe some dummies to spar with and someplace where I can throw my axe?¡± Prunhiline did try to work on her axe throwing, but her large battle axe almost took off the head of one of the guards.


    ¡°Yes!¡± Britina said she was almost to the point where she knew she could convince the warrior. ¡°And we could store kegs of ale in the cellar. We could have a kitchen, too.¡±


    ¡°A kitchen would be nice. I don¡¯t cook much,¡± Prunhiline said, but with less enthusiasm. "The ale would be nice.¡±


    ¡°Dear love, I know you are a good cook. You¡¯ve done several barbecues and did an excellent job of roasting the meats. I¡¯d say that you are one of the best cooks I know.¡± Britina was serious but didn¡¯t know why a little voice in the back of her head was saying to stop.


    ¡°Aw, Bri, that¡¯s just grilling. That¡¯s all we ever do at home. I¡¯m not sure I¡¯d be any good in a kitchen,¡± Prunhiline admitted, sounding uncharacteristically modest, a clue Britina somehow missed.


    ¡°Well, I, for one, would love to eat your cooking sometime,¡± Britina said with a serious voice. The universe rolled with laughter. (And yes, dear reader, that is a remarkable story for another day!)

 Chapter 10 - Day 5: Family

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    Prunhiline was bored. Since leaving the last inn, nothing had happened, no bandits, werewolves, or dragons. Absolutely nothing! She sat on her warhorse, amusing herself by making funny sounds with her mouth, puckering her cheeks, and blowing out with a splat. Each time, it made her laugh.


    Prunhiline¡¯s boredom irritated Britina. The warrior¡¯s attention span was limited when there was no fighting to do, and her antics tested Britina¡¯s patience, which is the downside of having an "accidental" wife.


    ¡°Dear love, why don¡¯t we play a game?¡± Britina suggested, hoping to distract her.


    ¡°Sure, Bri! What do you want to play?¡± Prunhiline perked up at the idea of a game to pass the time as they rode to the next town.


    ¡°Hmm, I¡¯m not sure. How about we play ¡®Name the Plant¡¯? My sister and I used to play it on long trips,¡± Britina said, remembering her travels with her sister.


    "Oh, look,¡± Prunhiline pointed, ¡°a tree! And that¡¯s a leaf!¡± The sarcasm wasn¡¯t lost on Britina.


    ¡°Well, do you have a better idea?¡± Britina sneered.


    ¡°My brother and I used to list off all our kills when we went hunting,¡± Prunhiline replied with a grin.


    ¡°You have a brother?¡± Britina asked, surprised she didn¡¯t know this.


    ¡°Yeah, he¡¯s younger than me. We hunted together all the time when I was home,¡± Prunhiline said, her voice tinged with nostalgia.


    ¡°What¡¯s your brother like?¡± Britina was curious. Prunhiline hardly talked about her family unless it was about hunting.


    ¡°He¡¯s short and irritating but good with a bow and sling,¡±  Prunhiline said, smiling. "I taught him how to use the dagger.¡±


    ¡°Short? Like, what, seven feet?¡± Prunhiline snickered.


    ¡°Nah, last time I saw him, he was about your height. I hope he¡¯s grown by now.¡± Prunhiline missed Britina¡¯s eye-roll. ¡°What about your sister? She¡¯s about the same age as my brother, right?¡±


    ¡°She¡¯s kind and smart,¡± Britina said with a smile. ¡°We used to sit in the garden and read together, finding the funniest poems we could.¡±


    ¡°Just sit and read? Didn¡¯t you play tag or hide-and-seek?¡± Prunhiline couldn¡¯t imagine just sitting and reading with her brother.Support creative writers by reading their stories on Royal Road, not stolen versions.


    ¡°My sister is unfortunately bound to a wheelchair.¡± Britina said, sadness seeping into her voice, ¡°She hasn¡¯t been able to walk for many years.¡±


    Prunhiline was taken aback. ¡°I¡¯m sorry, Bri. But she sounds like she¡¯s happy.¡±


    ¡°Yes. I always did what I could for her, but I miss her,¡± Britina said with a frown.


    ¡°Why don¡¯t we visit our families when we have time?¡± Prunhiline suggested, flashing Britina a big smile. ¡°You could meet my parents, my little brother, and the whole village. Maybe you¡¯d even join us on a hunt! You¡¯d love it out under the stars, tracking big game across the plains.¡± Prunhiline swept her arms high, and her smile was large and bright.


    ¡°That sounds nice,¡± Britina said, yet she thought she didn¡¯t like the idea of the hunt.


    ¡°I¡¯ve told them all about you! My parents are excited to meet you. I mean, you are technically my wife.¡± Prunhiline shook her head with a bit of embarrassment.


    ¡°True, dear love. We could visit my family too,¡± Britina said, though she wondered how she would tell her father about her "wife."


    ¡°So, you told them we are married?¡± Prunhiline asked.


    ¡°No. It hasn¡¯t really come up in my letters.¡± Britina said, feeling guilty.  She had said very little about Prunhiline in her letters to her family.


    ¡°Oh, I told everyone in my letter after, ya know, we got married,¡± Prunhiline said, feeling as if she again caused the mage more trouble. ¡°I mean, I know it¡¯s my fault, but..¡±


    Britina interrupted Prunhiline, ¡°Enough about that! It¡¯s not your fault. If it is, then it¡¯s as much mine, too. I went willingly, and I thought we were in the correct place. I¡¯ve meant to write a longer letter to my sister telling her the good news.¡±


    ¡°Your sister, what about your father?¡± Prunhiline asked.


    ¡°My father. Well, he¡¯s a, um, difficult man sometimes when it comes to certain things.¡± Britina didn¡¯t know what else to say.


    ¡°You mean he wouldn¡¯t approve,¡± Prunhilne said.


    ¡°Yes, but he¡¯s got no choice.  We are married, and he could do nothing about it.¡± Britina said.


    ¡°Would you?¡± Prunhiline became serious.


    ¡°No, dear love, my life has been rather adventurous with you in it,¡± Britina said, giving her companion a warm smile.


    ¡°Yeah, me too,¡± Prunhiline said.


    The rest of the journey was uneventful. They chatted until they reached the inn, much like any other. The innkeeper was a chubby man with a hearty laugh and a broad smile, standing a bit shorter than Britina.


    The two ladies had handed off their horses to a boy who looked up in awe at the warrior. The innkeeper shushed him away to tend to the horses and then led the two into the inn.


    ¡°I¡¯ll take your stew and tea, please,¡± Britina said to the innkeeper as she sat at the table near the fire.


    ¡°Ah, sorry, miss, no tea here.  We got water and ale.¡±  The innkeeper said.


    ¡°Well, then I¡¯ll take an ale and stew,¡± Britina said with the best smile she could give the man.


    ¡°Me too! Bring three ale for me.¡±  Prunhiline said, sitting across from Britina.  The innkeeper looked at the tall warrior and decided to bring her three bowls of stew, too.


    When the innkeeper returned, he sat the regular portion and one ale in front of Britina. He then gave Prumhiliner three ales and a large bowl of stew.


    ¡°Wow! This looks good!¡± Prunhiline said as she dug into the stew.


    ¡°Thank you, innkeeper.¡± Britina said, ¡°And when we are done, Is there a chance of a hot bath?¡±


    ¡°Yes, miss, I can start drawing you one now.¡± The innkeeper said.


    Prunhiline looked at Britina, horrified. Britina only smiled back, ¡°Just one for me in my room, please.¡±


    The innkeeper left to draw the bath, leaving the two alone.


    ¡°Just one bath?¡± Prunhiline said.


    ¡°Yes, dear love, you don¡¯t smell as bad as earlier,¡± Britina teased, laughing. ¡°I thought I¡¯d give you a break. Besides, I can¡¯t have you rampaging in every town.¡±

 Chapter 11 - Day 6: Back on the road

    The next day, they were back on the road. Both were in high spirits, enjoying the warm sun and each other''s company. This was the adventure Britina had wanted. Suddenly, Prunhiline stopped and went quiet. Britina tensed, instinctively preparing for danger. Prunhiline didn¡¯t have the best sense of direction, but her ability to sense danger was uncanny.


    ¡°What is it?¡± Britina whispered.


    ¡°Dragon excrement,¡± Prunhiline whispered back, sounding deadly serious.


    ¡°What?¡± Britina exclaimed.


    ¡°Dragon poo, Bri. You know, poop,¡± Prunhiline replied, giving her a look.


    ¡°I know what excrement means!  How do you know it¡¯s dragon excrement?¡± Britina wasn¡¯t sure she believed the warrior.


    ¡°Well, it has a certain smell and color,¡± Prunhiline said, pointing to a mound of manure. Britina wrinkled her nose. ¡°We need to track it!¡± With that, Prunhiline bounded into the forest.


    ¡°Wait!¡± Britina said, but the warrior had already ridden off.  Britina kicked her horse and galloped after the warrior. ¡°Prunhiline! We need a plan!¡±


    Prunhiline finally stopped and looked around, allowing Britina to catch up. She paused, listened, and took a long breath through her nose. She turned her horse to the right and was off again, with Britina close behind her.


    They rode for a while, and then Prunhiline stopped. She leaped off her horse and began inspecting the ground, circling the small clearing.


    ¡°What¡¯s wrong?¡±  Britina asked.


    ¡°The dragon¡¯s gone, but there were people here,¡± Prunhiline muttered as she knelt. ¡°Something about this feels wrong.¡±


    ¡°Any idea what happened?¡± Britina asked, trusting her companion¡¯s instincts.


    ¡°Yes. Two barefoot people, possibly children or teens, and what looks like ten adults, most likely men,¡± Prunhiline replied.


    ¡°Maybe they are from the village we were traveling to.  We aren¡¯t that far.¡±  Britina said.


    ¡°Maybe.¡±  Prunhiline mounted her horse and slowly walked toward where the people had gone.


    Britina was quiet and listened.  A dragon and now no dragon.  Barefoot children and adults.


    ¡°Maybe the children were lost, and the men were looking for them,¡±  Britina said.


    ¡°No.¡± Prunhiline pointed to the right. ¡°One pair of tracks ran off that way. The other went to the left with the men. Looks like there was a small struggle here.¡±


    Britina was impressed, as always, with Prunhiline''s ability to hunt.  ¡°Should we pursue the lone barefoot child?¡±


    ¡°No, I think we need to find the men first. I have a bad feeling something is wrong.¡± Prunhiline said as she pointed her horse to the right and began a fast trot.  Britina followed.Unauthorized duplication: this tale has been taken without consent. Report sightings.


    They arrived at the village to find a large crowd gathered in the town square. As they got closer, they saw that the crowd was gathered around a pole, and the townspeople were yelling at it.


    ¡°What¡¯s going on?¡± Prunhiline asked as she dismounted.


    ¡°I¡¯m not sure, but I don¡¯t like this.¡± Britina said also dismounting.


    The two women approached the crowd.  Once they got close enough, they saw that a teen girl was tied to the pole.  The crowd was chanting, ¡°Burn the witch!¡±


    Britina grabbed the nearest person, a young man. ¡°What is this?¡±


    ¡°What?¡± the man looked confused. ¡°It¡¯s a witch, and we will burn her.¡±


    ¡°No, you aren''t!¡± Prunhiline shouted.  Witch or not, she wasn¡¯t going to die.


    ¡°This is barbaric!¡± Britina shouted.


    The townspeople started to notice the two women. The angry mob wasn¡¯t happy that strangers were intruding on their execution.  Some of the men with pitchforks lowered their weapons to keep the two from the young woman.


    Prunhiline made a rude noise. ¡°Those aren¡¯t weapons.¡± She drew her broadsword, pointing it at the men. ¡°This is a weapon! I am Prunhiline of the plains, defeater of...¡± She was cut off as the men charged.


    Britina summoned her magic, binding several villagers¡¯ feet in ice, while Prunhiline swung her blade, cleaving makeshift weapons in two. The villagers were not warriors, and they found themselves easily beaten. Britina sent a blast of magic wind to blow out the torch that one man was attempting to throw onto the pyre.


    But she couldn¡¯t stop the other two torches behind the pyre. The wood ignited with an enormous fireball. The villagers had soaked it in oil. The young woman screamed!


    ¡°No!¡± the two heroes screamed in frustration. This was not how things were supposed to happen.


    Prunhiline swung her sword with the flat blade, knocking back ten villagers. She tried to rush the bonfire, but the heat was too much. Britina tried in vain to use her magic to put out the fire, but whatever the villagers had used was too hot for her magic to extinguish. She was confused as to why her magic wasn¡¯t strong enough.


    The villagers lost interest in the distraught heroes and returned to the fire. They began to chant, ¡°Witch! Witch!¡±  The young woman twisted against her bonds as she screamed, and the villagers chanted louder.


    The bonfire suddenly erupted into a towering pillar of flame. The villagers, shocked, backed away from the searing heat, wondering if they¡¯d used too much oil.


    The young woman stopped screaming and started laughing. Suddenly, black wings spread from the fire, and a long serpent head snaked upward. The flames swirled around the dragon, which now looked down on the villagers.


    ¡°I am now free!¡± The dragon bellowed, ¡°You have released me from the spell that has contained me!¡±


    Prunhiline and Britina exchanged uncertain looks. The villagers had tried to burn a dragon at the stake, a plan that could hardly have been more foolish.


    ¡°Now, I hunger!¡± the dragon bellowed. The villagers scattered in panic, tripping over one another. The dragon spread its wings, towering above them, and breathed fire into the sky. Soon, the village square was empty except for the two heroes.


    ¡°So, do we fight the dragon?¡± Prunhilne asked.


    ¡°I¡¯m not sure,¡± Britina said, looking at the giant creature.


    ¡°I mean, they tried to burn a young girl, so I¡¯m not sure they were good people,¡± Prunhiline said.


    ¡°No, they were good but misguided. And the dragon doesn¡¯t seem to be pursuing them.¡± Britina said.


    The dragon looked down at the two heroes, who stared back in shock. Then, unexpectedly, the dragon began to shrink, soon returning to the form of a young girl.


    ¡°You two tried to save me,¡± the dragon said softly.


    ¡°Yes, we did,¡± Britina said.


    ¡°Thank you.¡± The dragon smiled at them.


    ¡°Uh, you''re welcome,¡± Prunhiline said confused.


    ¡°I take it you¡¯re wondering what happened?¡± the dragon giggled.


    ¡°Yes,¡± they said together.


    ¡°Then come with me. You¡¯ll be safe in my forest,¡± the dragon said, turning and walking toward the trees.


    ¡°Ok, just let us get our horses,¡± Britina said.


    The dragon turned to them, ¡°They ran off into the forest when I transformed into my true self.  Sorry about that. But don¡¯t worry about them.  They will be safe, and the druids will bring them to us.¡±  She turned and walked into the forest.


    ¡°So, will we follow the dragon into the forest?¡± Prunhiline said.


    ¡°Looks like it,¡± Britina said with a wry smile. ¡°And honestly, this won¡¯t even be the craziest thing we¡¯ve done.¡±

 Chapter 12 - Day 6: A Night with a Dragon

    The two heroes followed the dragon in her human form into the forest, allowing them to observe her closely. She was a head shorter than Britina, with long, straight black hair and skin the color of soft ebony. But her eyes, one green and the other blue, truly struck them.


    When Britina looked into her green eye, it reminded her of the ocean, with a depth like the deep sea. Prunhiline saw the blue eye and thought of the endless plains, with skies so blue and vast they seemed to go on forever. The dragon''s musical voice struck them both.


    ¡°I am Lady Britina, and this is my companion, Prunhiline,¡± Britina said, hoping to start a conversation with the dragon.


    ¡°Hey, Bri. I can introduce myself.¡±  Prunhiline said, to Britina¡¯s annoyance. ¡°I am Prunhiline of the Plains, defeater of¡­¡±


    ¡°Ah, yes, the plains people''s titles are vast and interesting.¡± The dragon interrupted with a musical chuckle. ¡°But Prunhiline, I¡¯m afraid we don¡¯t have time for the full title, and it would be disrespectful to interrupt once you begin.¡±  The dragon said with some amusement in her sing-song voice. "I¡¯m afraid you can¡¯t pronounce my name, but you can call me Nel.¡±


    ¡°Nel, that¡¯s an interesting name,¡± Britina said.


    ¡°I am the sentinel of this forest,¡± Nel explained. ¡°The children here eventually shortened my name to Nel.¡±


    ¡°Children?¡± Britina asked.


    ¡°The druids of the forest. They have lived in my forest for a century.  I remember their grandfather¡¯s grandfather.¡± Nel said, casting her two odd-colored eyes at Britina.


    ¡°A century?¡± Britina asked, intrigued. ¡°I¡¯ve read that only elder dragons can shapeshift.¡±


    Nel laughed, a sound like wind chimes. ¡°That is mostly true.¡±


    ¡°How old are you?¡± Britina¡¯s curiosity was getting the best of her. Nel would have knowledge beyond what Britna¡¯s library would have.


    ¡°Hey, Bri, I don¡¯t think it¡¯s polite to ask a dragon how old they are,¡± Prunhiline gently scolded.


    ¡°Oh, I¡¯m sorry if I offended you,¡± Britina said, flushing with embarrassment.


    Nel laughed. ¡°No offense.  I don¡¯t have an answer for you.  We don¡¯t track time the same way humans do. I remember when the dwarves first appeared and dug into the mountains and when humans fell from the sky and built a beautiful tower, part of which, I believe, still stands in a great city.¡±


    ¡°Hey, that¡¯s the Mage¡¯s Tower!¡± Prunhiline said. ¡°It¡¯s super old.¡±


    ¡°Then I¡¯m super old.¡± Nel laughed again.


    ¡°So, why did you allow the villagers to try to burn you at the stake?¡± Prunhiline asked.


    ¡°That was meant to scare the villagers and teach them a lesson. I hope it worked.¡± Nel continued, ¡°My children, the druids, live in this forest. The villagers carved out their settlement two generations ago, and I allowed it. But recently, they¡¯ve started chasing my children, trying to capture them.¡±  Nel paused and appeared to take a breath to calm her anger, ¡°I don''t know why.  Today, I had had enough and allowed them to capture me with the help of one of the children.  I didn¡¯t know they were going to burn me at the stake.¡±A case of content theft: this narrative is not rightfully on Amazon; if you spot it, report the violation.


    ¡°That¡¯s terrible.  They kept chatting, witch.¡± Britina said.


    ¡°Druid, witch, is there a difference?¡± Prunhiline asked.


    ¡°Yes.¡± Nel and Britina said together.


    ¡°I mean, we have a wise woman in our village. She''s like a druid and a witch.¡± Prunhiline said.


    ¡°Not exactly,¡± Nel replied. ¡°But I¡¯m glad they captured me, not one of my children. There would have been a price to pay.¡± Nel¡¯s voice dropped to a growl, making Britina and Prunhiline¡¯s hearts race.


    They both knew Nel would have burned the whole village down. It seemed she loved her children very much. They walked for some time deep into the forest. The dragon led them to a small brook and what appeared to be an odd village. The huts were constructed around, under, and sometimes in the trees. That was when they met the dragon¡¯s children.


    A woman who looked to be in her late twenties approached. ¡°Greetings, Nel.¡± The dragon bowed her head in acknowledgment. ¡°It¡¯s unlike you to bring visitors to our small village; they must be special.¡± The woman smiled at Britina, then looked up to the tall warrior with another warm smile.


    ¡°These are heroes of the realm, and they attempted to assist me by scaring the villagers,¡± Nell said with some amusement.


    ¡°Ah, yes,¡± Britina said. ¡°There was some confusion.¡±


    Nel laughed, ¡°There was pandemonium. This is Lady Britina.¡± She gestured to Britina and then up to Prunhiline, ¡°And this is Prunhiline of the plains.¡± She gave the warrior a sly glance, ¡°I¡¯m afraid we don¡¯t have time for her full title.¡±


    ¡°A pleasure to meet you. I am Faull.¡± Faull said, bowing to the two women.


    Faull had black hair and a tan complexion, but what struck them were her eyes. Like Nel¡¯s, one was green, and the other was blue. They realized then why Nel loved the druids as she did: These were her descendants, her children, or even her great-great-grandchildren.


    Nel smiled at the two women. ¡°Come,¡± she said, ¡°Let¡¯s have dinner.¡±  Nel and Faull led them into the village. They were met with dancing children who raced around the strangers and many adults doing various chores. They were all female.


    Nel sat down at a wooden table that appeared to be carved from a fallen tree.  Britina and Prunhiline joined her. Food was brought out, and they were joined by all of the women in the village.  There were about thirty or so of various ages, from newborns to elders.  The elder sat beside Nel and gently touched the dragon¡¯s shoulder. Nel placed her hand over the elder¡¯s, giving her a warm smile.


    ¡°This is Wisp,¡± Nel said, ¡°She is the village elder.¡±


    Wisp laughed with a toothless smile, ¡°I would say you are still the elder, but yes, I¡¯m the oldest human here.¡±


    ¡°It is a pleasure to meet you, Wisp,¡± Britina said.


    Prunhiline bowed her head and said, ¡°Elder, may your hunt be fruitful and long.¡±  Britina was surprised by Prunhiln¡¯s seriousness.


    ¡°Ah, a plains woman.¡± Wisp said, ¡°I¡¯ve met a few plainsmen. I believe that the father of my child was a plainsman.¡±


    ¡°The father of your child, you mean your husband?¡± Britina asked.


    ¡°Oh no, child.  He was the father of my child.¡± Wisp said, ¡°We druids do not take husbands.¡±


    Faull explained, ¡°Once we are adults, we go out into the world to seek a suitable mate. We stay with them for some time, and once we have a child, we return here to raise them.¡±


    ¡°So you don¡¯t ever meet your father?¡± Britina said.


    ¡°Well, sometimes we do.  There have been a few times that men have followed us here.  A few have stayed.¡± Wisp said her gray eyes seemed to see off into time.


    ¡°Wisp¡¯s mate came here and stayed.  He was a protector of the forest for many years.  He was my father.¡±  Faull said.  A small child climbed onto her lap and waved at Prunhiline, who waved back.


    They were served an assortment of fruits and vegetables and a light broth. To Prunhiline¡¯s dismay, there was no meat, though Britina enjoyed the vibrant flavors of the forest fare.


    ¡°I apologize, Prunhiline.¡± Nel said, ¡°We druids do not kill animals; we live in harmony with the forest.¡±


    Prunhiline gave Britina a playful smile as she took another bite of vegetables. ¡°No problem. We live in harmony with the plains, too. We take only what we need and use everything.¡±


    After the meal, the two were given bedding near the fire, and many of the younger women and children were sleeping nearby. There was no danger in this village; no wild animal or man would dare approach a dragon¡¯s nest.

 Chapter 13 - Day 7: Back on the road again and again

    The following morning, the two heroes woke to the smell of breakfast. It wasn¡¯t the hearty, meat-heavy meal Prunhiline would prefer, but they knew they¡¯d appreciate it all the same. They sat with the village women to eat, though Nel was nowhere to be seen.


    ¡°Good morning,¡± Faull said to them.


    ¡°Good morning,¡± Britina said back. Prunhiline waved as she stuffed roasted sweet potatoes into her mouth (whole, of course).


    ¡°Nell is off on an errand into the forest. There are some men who are overhunting some of the wildlife,¡± Faull said as she took a bite from one of the roasted sweet potatoes.


    ¡°Overhunt? Does she allow some hunting, then?¡± Britina asked.


    ¡°Some,¡± Faull said.


    ¡°Hunting some of the game can help keep the ecosystem in check.¡± Prunhiline said, ¡°But overhunting will cause the ecosystem to become out of balance, and the animals and vegetation will suffer.¡±


    Britina stared at her companion. She wasn¡¯t expecting such a thought-out statement. She knew Prunhiline was intelligent beyond how childish she acted.


    ¡°Well put, Prunhiline,¡± Faull said. ¡°Some hunting can be good. It can keep some herd animals from grazing too much of the land if the predators can¡¯t keep the herd limit down.¡±


    ¡°The plains people will consider every aspect of what we hunt and how it will affect our land. Too much or too little can throw the plains out of balance. We strive to stay in harmony with nature,¡± Prunhiline said after swallowing another sweet potato whole.


    ¡°Makes sense. We have fishing regulations at the port where I¡¯m from.¡± Britina said.


    ¡°You are from the ocean?¡± Faull asked, ¡°I¡¯ve never seen it, but I would love to. What¡¯s it like?¡±


    ¡°The ocean is vast! And it never stops. The waves have a gentle rhythm to them. I had to get used to sleeping without hearing the waves when I moved to the capital. It was odd to me not to hear it.¡± Britina said.


    ¡°I remember that. I had the same problem; there was too much noise.¡± Prunhiline grumbled as she devoured more vegetables.


    The women enjoyed their meal together. Later, Wisp arrived (she¡¯d already eaten) and chatted with Prunhiline about life on the plains, which the elder clearly missed.


    ¡°Prunhiline,¡± Britina said, ¡°It¡¯s time to go. Faull says if we leave now, we will make the next inn before sunset.¡±


    ¡°What about our horses?¡± Prunhiline said. Britina gasped; she had forgotten.


    ¡°Excuse me, miss?¡± a young girl approached them. ¡°Your horses are just past the clearing over there. Nel brought them early this morning.¡± The young girl pointed in the direction that they were going to travel.


    ¡°Thank you!¡± Britina said, relieved they wouldn''t have to walk or hunt for their horses.


    The two gathered their horses and supplies that the women had given them. Faull had gifted Britina some mushroom tea with strict instructions only to use it at home. It had ¡°interesting¡± side effects, but though leery of the gift, Britina thanked her.


    The path led them to the main road, which was close to where they would have been if they had stayed in the village. Britina silently thanked all the gods for the lack of vegan zombies, thespian werewolves, bandits, rampaging naked warriors, or dragons. It was a quiet, uneventful ride.The story has been stolen; if detected on Amazon, report the violation.


    The road leading to the last village before they reached the Dwarven capital was known for its ale and baked goods. Britina had heard from another traveler that even though the villagers were short on citizens, they were able to make some of the best goods around. She looked forward to sampling the village¡¯s famous goods and hoped this would be an uneventful stay.


    They rode into town before dusk. The village was brightly painted, and all the houses looked well-kept. She thought it was odd that all the houses were one story, but that could be because they were short on carpenters.


    As Britina watched villagers trading goods in the town square, she realized she¡¯d misread the traveler¡¯s letters. The village wasn¡¯t ¡°short on people¡±; it was a village of short people. Gnomes, to be exact.


    ¡°They don¡¯t come up to my knees,¡± Prunhiline said.


    ¡°Shh!¡± Britina reprimanded her, ¡°Don¡¯t offend anyone.¡±


    They dismounted at a standard-sized barn. Thankfully, the inn and stables were built to accommodate people and horses of their stature. Two Gnomes took Britina¡¯s horse, and four took Prunhiline''s. They tried not to show fear, but it was apparent.


    They entered the inn, and a Gnome walked up to them. He stood as tall as Britina¡¯s waist. She looked down and smiled at the innkeeper.


    ¡°Greetings, travelers, I¡¯m Kit,¡± Kit said as he cleaned a mug with a towel. ¡°Two for the night?¡±


    ¡°Yes, please. Some food and ale. Do you have any baked goods?¡± Britina asked, hoping the baked goods mentioned weren¡¯t another misunderstanding.


    ¡°Yes! Finest in the land.¡± Kit said, ¡°I¡¯ll fetch you some ales, food, and several of our rolls.¡±


    Britina and Prunhiline sat at a table that was meant for regular people. Prunhiline looked around at the Gnomes as they entered and sat at smaller tables. It became obvious that this was her first time meeting a Gnome.


    Kit soon brought out ale, plates of meat and vegetables, and rolls that smelled divine. The two women thanked him and began to eat; Britina had to admit, these rolls were the best she¡¯d ever had. The inn was pleasant, and Britina began to relax.


    Prunhiline was enjoying herself. She liked the ale, the food, and the rolls. The Gnomes made her a little uneasy; going to her room, she worried about accidentally stepping on one. She raised her arm to wave to the innkeeper for more ales. In doing so, she accidentally knocked a mug from the hands of a gnome passing by.


    ¡°Sorry!¡± Prunhiline said. ¡°I¡¯ll get you another one.¡±


    The Gnome threw down his mug and began to yell, ¡°Watch what you''re doing! I hate it when humans come here. You''re all big and clumsy.¡±


    ¡°Dear love,¡± Britina whispered, ¡°let it go. It¡¯s fine.¡±


    ¡°Some big olf of a human gotta swing her freakishly long arms around.¡± The Gnome kept yelling. Prunhilne glared at him and tightened her grip on her butter knife (still with butter on it).


    ¡°Sir, we are sorry. Let me get you another one.¡± Britina turned to wave to the innkeeper, who had just entered from the back. The inn was starting to feel a little too quiet.


    ¡°Maybe I don¡¯t want another!¡± The Gnome yelled at Britina, ¡°Bimbo!¡±


    Prunhiline rose from her feet, and the Gnome looked up. Prunhilne rose some more, and the Gnome looked up some more. Prunhiline rose to her full six-foot-seven and three-quarters. The Gnome felt his three-foot and not much more height.


    ¡°What!¡± Prunhilnie shouted.


    Britina jumped to her feet, ¡°Prunhiline!¡±


    The Gnomed squeaked out, ¡°Oh, my, you''re a tall one!¡±


    ¡°I am Prunhiline of the plains!¡± bellowed a now angry Prunhiline. They may not survive her full title, but she was interrupted by the innkeeper, who had dashed over with several mugs in his hands.


    Kit set four mugs down on the table between Britina and Prunhiline. He snatched up the empty mug on the floor and then smacked the now less angry Gnome on the back of his head, which was turned all the way up as far as it could go.


    ¡°Git your head down, you daft Gnome!¡± Kit yelled at him, ¡°Ya going to get stepped on one of these days picking a fight with the humans!¡± The angry Gnome, now pale, stared back at the innkeeper. ¡°Apologize for being rude!¡±


    The Gnome looked back up at Prunhiline, realizing that she really could step on him. ¡°I¡¯m sorry,¡± he squeaked out.


    Kit smacked him again, ¡°And the other one!¡±


    The Gnome looked at Britina and said, ¡°I¡¯m so sorry.¡±


    Kit looked at the heroes, ¡°Two mugs each on da house if ya don¡¯t step on da knee-biter here.¡±


    ¡°Deal!¡± Britina said, ¡°Prun, sit!¡±


    Prunhiline glared down at the Gnome and then sat back down. The inn slowly resumed its usual chatter.


    Kit nudged the Gnome over to the side, where a group of other Gnomes was already chuckling at the scene. Red-faced, the Gnome mumbled something, then shuffled out.


    ¡°Well, that was fun,¡± Brinta said.


    ¡°I¡¯d stepped on him, but I didn¡¯t want to have to clean my boots,¡± Prunhiline grumbled as she downed her first mug of free ale.


    Britina laughed, and Prunhiline raised an eyebrow at her. ¡°Dear love,¡± Britina said, chuckling, ¡°I finally know what it feels like to be you!¡± Prunhiline choked on her ale, then burst out laughing.

 Chapter 14 - Day 8: Camping Out

    The next morning, the two heroes met in the inn for breakfast. Prunhiline was in unusually high spirits, but Britina wasn¡¯t worried. She had slept peacefully and was well-rested and in a good mood. Kit appeared at their table with a tray of various breakfast pastries.


    ¡°Oh my!¡± Britina explained, ¡°These look delicious. I¡¯ll take these.¡± She selected three pastries drizzled with chocolate.


    ¡°Yum!¡± Prunhiline drooled as she selected six different pastries, three of which were covered in chocolate and one in caramel.


    Kit left and returned with a pot of coffee and two mugs. Prunhiline poured her a cup and dipped her breakfast into the coffee. Britina reluctantly poured a cup and began to savor her pastries. Before Britina finished her first, Prunhiline finished all six. Britina signed, knowing manners were not in Prunhiline¡¯s title.


    ¡°Kit?¡± Britina asked, ¡°How far is it to the Dwarven Capital?¡±


    ¡°Hmm. ¡®Bout a day and a half or so ride.¡± Kit said.


    ¡°Any inns?¡± Britina was hoping.


    ¡°Nah, sorry. We are the last inn to the capital. It¡¯s on our sign.¡± Kit said, pointing outside.


    ¡°What if you are leaving the capital?¡± Prunhilne asked.


    ¡°Got that covered; it¡¯s on the other side,¡± Kit said. Britina and Pruninline laughed at his joke.


    After they finished, they returned to their rooms to pack. They both made quick work of it and met at the inn''s door. Once outside, Britina looked up at the sign hanging from the inn. One side said, ¡°Last Inn Before the Capital,¡± and the other side said, ¡°First Inn from the Capital.¡± Britina sighed; it was an appropriate sign, at least.


    The stable Gnomes brought out their horses, and the two began the last of their ride to the Dwarven capital. Britina and Prunhiline were happy to be close to the end of this mission. Prunhiline was getting bored, and Britina hoped to return to the capital.


    ¡°So,¡± Prunhiline stated out loud, bringing Britina out of her contemplation, ¡°What¡¯s next? Maybe harpies?¡±


    ¡°What do you mean, dear love,¡± Britina said, surprised at the sudden conversation.


    ¡°I mean, what¡¯s next that¡¯ll sidetrack us? Giant scorpions?¡± Prunhiline said, glancing around the road.


    ¡°I hope not!¡± Britina said, ¡°I¡¯m hoping for a quiet ride the rest of the way.¡± Britina sat quietly momentarily and then said, ¡°Undead were-rabbits.¡±


    ¡°What?¡± Prunhiline was surprised. "Undead were-rabbits! That would be amazing in my title. Or maybe a pack of wild mutant chipmunks.¡±


    Britina laughed, ¡°Or a Lamassu!¡±


    ¡°What¡¯s that?¡± Prunhiline was surprised she didn¡¯t know about a monster.


    ¡°It¡¯s a half human, half cow. Like a centar.¡± Britina said.


    ¡°Wow! That would be something to see.¡± Prunhiline said. ¡°Maybe a half-human, half-chipmunk!¡±


    ¡°Yuck!¡¯ Britina laughed, ¡°Or we could run into demon squirrels.¡±


    ¡°Hey!¡± Prunhiline explained, ¡°That¡¯s not funny; all squirrels are demons.¡±The tale has been taken without authorization; if you see it on Amazon, report the incident.


    Britina laughed harder, ¡°You and your squirrel phobia. Did you get attacked by a squirrel when you were a baby?¡± Britina thought about it for a moment and realized that Prunhiline was probably the size of a toddler when she was an infant.


    ¡°Nah! They are just creepy!¡± Prunhiline said, looking up into the trees.


    ¡°Well, dear love, I¡¯ll protect you from the big bad squirrel!¡± Britina laughed, but Prunhiline couldn¡¯t help but join in.


    At dusk, they stopped at a clearing next to the road. It appeared that other travelers had used that spot for camping. No one was there, and it didn¡¯t seem anyone would join them. Britina hated to camp but knew it was sometimes essential. Prunhiline was in her element; she loved being outdoors and under the stars.


    As Britina rolled out her bedroll and got comfortable, Prunhiline started on dinner. She had gotten some fresh water from the nearby stream and had a pot boiling over the campfire. Britina watched in amazement as the warrior prepared them dinner. She added some herbs to the water and then added fresh rabbit meat.


    Britina blinked a few times, ¡°Dear love, where did you get the rabbit?¡±


    ¡°By the stream, I got ¡®em with my sling when I went to get water,¡± Prunhiline said over her shoulder as she prepped what appeared to be some roots.


    ¡°So, what are we eating for dinner? It smells amazing.¡± Britina said. Prunhiline not only liked to camp out but also loved to cook over an open fire.


    ¡°Rabbit stew,¡± Prunhiline said, ¡°Like my mom would make when we would go camping.¡±


    ¡°Did you and your mother camp often?¡± Britina wanted to know more about the warrior¡¯s family.


    ¡°Sure, she, my dad, and my brother would sometimes get away from the village to watch the stars. Everyone in our village would take time away from the noisy village to enjoy the silence of nature,¡± Prunhiline said as she sat back, watching the stew cook.


    ¡°That was very poetic of you.¡± Britina said, ¡°I¡¯m afraid my family has never done anything like that. We would have a holiday away from home, but father and mother usually worked.¡±


    ¡°What does your family do?¡± Prunhiline asked.


    ¡°Well, father is a merchant who deals in various spices, food, and goods, such as rugs across the sea and the coast. Mother is a writer.¡± Britina said, proud of her family.


    ¡°That¡¯s cool. I didn¡¯t know your mom was a writer; what does she write?¡± Prunhiline showed more interest in Britina''s mother than the mage expected.


    ¡°Well, she writes mostly academic books, such as the histories of the coastal towns and ¡­¡± Britina whispered the rest.


    ¡°And?¡± Prunhiline asked, leaning towards the mage.


    ¡°And other stuff,¡± Britina said, looking away.


    ¡°What other stuff?¡± Prunhiline was now very interested.


    ¡°She writes some, let''s say, romance novels,¡± Britina said, looking anywhere but the warrior.


    ¡°Your mom writes romance novels?¡± Prunhiline asked excitedly, ¡°Which ones?¡±


    ¡°Oh, just some romance novels.¡± Britina was starting to blush.


    ¡°Bri! Tell me!¡± Prunhiline couldn¡¯t help herself.


    ¡°Fine, she writes the Seventy Nine Shades of Dusk.¡± Britina didn¡¯t want to look at the warrior.


    ¡°She what? Really? I need to meet her!¡± Prunhiline shouted.


    ¡°Why?¡± Britina looked back at her companion, shocked.


    ¡°I love those books! They are so good! I especially love the part where Bess uses the whip on the ¡­¡± Prunhiline was cut off.


    ¡°Stop! I don¡¯t want to know what my mother writes!¡± Britina said, her blush had moved down to her neck.


    ¡°Ah! Bri!¡± Prunhiline said, ¡°You never read them?¡±


    ¡°No!¡± Britina said, ¡°And I never will.¡±


    ¡°Fine.¡± Prunhiline said dejectedly, ¡°But I still want to meet your mom.¡±


    Britina sighed, ¡°You will, dear love. What about your parents? What do they do?¡±


    ¡°My dad is the chief, and my mom is one of the wise women of the village,¡± Prunhiline said.


    ¡°Wait, chief? You never said your father was the chief.¡± Britina said.


    ¡°Well, yeah, it¡¯s just our small village,¡± Prunhiline said, looking slightly embarrassed.


    Britina laughed, ¡°The chief is important. How many people live in your village?¡±


    ¡°Oh, about fifty or so at a time. The other villages will send different tradespeople to each village. We all share in the resources,¡± Prunhiline said.


    ¡°That¡¯s wonderful. Your people are always so resourceful.¡± Britina said.


    ¡°Yeah, we never waste. The plains can be brutal to anyone not prepared.¡± Prunhiline said as she dipped out a bowl of stew for Britina.


    Britina took a bite of the stew; it was amazing. This was the best stew she had ever had. ¡°This is fantastic!¡±


    ¡°Ah, thanks, my mom makes it better,¡± Prunhiline said.


    ¡°Well, I love this. When we settle into our new home, you must make more of your mother¡¯s dishes.¡± Britina said.


    Prunhiline began to eat, ¡°Uh, sure. She taught me a few things.¡±


    Britina and Prunhiline sat around the fire as the sun descended and darkness settled onto the forest. They enjoyed the stew and each other¡¯s company. Britina savored the stew and wondered what other delicious things her wife would cook for her. Maybe she would get a chance to bake for the warrior. She smiled at the thought of them cooking together. The universe smiled a large, wicked smile of mischief!

 Chapter 15 - Day 9: The Squirrel Incident

    Prunhiline rose at the first rays of dawn. This was why she loved sleeping outdoors, the chatter of animals, the buzz of insects, and the warmth of the early sun on her skin. This was her happy place.  She left the still-sleeping Britina by the fire embers and ventured into the forest.  She was hunting for nuts, berries, water, and some wild game to cook for dinner.


    The plainswoman was a cunning and skilled hunter trained by the best in the world. She quickly found the brook near their camp and filled four water skins.


    She walked through the forest with a keen eye, searching for edible berries. She soon found several bushes of wild blackberries. These would go well with some rabbit, she thought.  She had seen some tracks but hadn¡¯t found any wild game.


    On her way back, she found a large walnut tree. The tall warrior quickly scaled it, knocking down dozens of walnuts that thudded satisfyingly to the ground. These will be so good roasted over the fire.  The warrior easily climbed down the tree to gather her spoils.  The ground was clear.  No walnuts.  Prunhiline looked about, baffled as to why there were no nuts, and then she saw tracks.  Squirrel tracks!  She hated squirrels.


    The skilled hunter in her screamed for vengeance over her lost nutty spoils. She began tracking the squirrels back to their lair. She¡¯d show those furry, tree-hugging rats who she was. She was Prunhiline, warrior of the plains and slayer of... She stopped and shrugged; no time to go through her entire title and still make it back before Britina woke.


    Prunhiline found the dreaded rodent''s lair and planned her attack.  She¡¯d use her mighty war hammer to shatter the tree where the fiendish critters had hidden her nuts! One powerful swing struck the tree, but it didn¡¯t budge.  The war hammer vibrated and hurt her arm.  This only infuriated the warrior more.


    The tree¡¯s shaking alerted the squirrels to the attack. They were prepared; this wasn¡¯t the first time a monster had dared to threaten them.  They had dealt with bears, woodpeckers, other squirrels, and the occasional werewolf.  They bested them all.  This giant human would be no different.


    Prunhiline tried to climb the tree but couldn¡¯t find good places to grab onto it.  This felt strange; this was the first tree she hadn¡¯t been able to climb. She glared at the squirrels¡¯ lair, imagining her walnuts just out of reach.  If she had her ax, she would chop down the tree and use it for firewood, but she only had her various daggers, swords, and war hammers.


    Then it struck her! Not a thought or idea, but a rock in the center of her forehead.  She yelped with pain and started to rub the spot where she was hit.  ¡°You stupid squirrels,¡± she bellowed, ¡°I¡¯ll get you for this! I want my nuts back!¡±  She picked up the offending rock and hurled it into the hole in the tree. A satisfying squeal rang out. Prunhiline grinned; she¡¯d hit one of them.This narrative has been unlawfully taken from Royal Road. If you see it on Amazon, please report it.


    Then another rock hit her on top of her head.  It hurt.  She looked up in time to see more rocks being pushed from a limb high up in the tree.  The squirrels had lined up various-sized rocks and were dropping them on her.


    Prunhiline ducked and dodged each rock, grabbing a few from the ground to hurl back. She struck a branch, breaking it from the tree and sending all the rocks tumbling down.


    ¡°Ha!¡± She yelled at the rodents, ¡°You can¡¯t drop rocks on me now!  What are you going to do?¡±


    The squirrels gathered for a quick conference in the main tree. Most humans and animals ran off after a few rocks were hurled at them. The werewolf was the only exception.  They began phase two of their defense.


    Prunhiline grabbed a few more rocks to throw when her arm began to hurt.  She looked down to find a small arrow sticking out of her right arm. Then another appeared. She ducked behind a tree as a flurry of arrows struck where she¡¯d been standing. They¡¯d upgraded to arrows!


    This was war!


    The warrior began to lob the stones she had gathered. Sometimes, she would hear a squeak or a squeal when she hit a target. The arrows became more accurate and started to come from different sides of the tree. The squirrels had created an array of crossbows throughout the forest.


    Prunhiline retreated from what appeared to be the main group of trees that the squirrels were protecting.  She hid behind one large tree and planned.  She would run to the right, and as the rodents fired their arrows at her, she would keep cover behind the outer trees.  She saw that behind the main tree, there were some bushes.  She would use it as cover to advance to the tree and burn it!


    The warrior feinted left, then dashed to the right. She could hear the small thunks of arrows hitting each tree she passed for cover.  She made it to the bushes without getting hit again.  She crouched behind the bushes and prepared to rush the main tree.  She grabbed dry leaves to fashion a torch and struck her flint to tinder. The explosion was deafening, throwing her off her feet.


    The squirrels cheered. They had ambushed the human. The council of tree rodents gathered to inspect what had happened to the warrior. They saw that the explosion hadn¡¯t killed the human but appeared to have dazed her. They began new preparations, realizing this human was more stubborn than most.


    Prunhiline picked herself up and dusted herself off.  She glared at the main tree and saw the tiny rodents looking at her.  She made a gesture in their direction that would have gotten her slapped by the old village-wise woman.  The warrior then made her way out of range of the weapons around the tree and back toward the camp.


    She grabbed her weapon and now-empty pouch on her way back to camp. She turned to make a final rude gesture at the tree, only to see the squirrels making the gesture back at her. She stomped her feet and screamed as loud as she could. She stuck her tongue out at her enemy and stomped back to the campsite.


    Britina was awake and packing her belongings.  She hated sleeping outdoors, but this wasn¡¯t as bad as the other times.  When she saw her companion, she gasped in horror.  The warrior was more disheveled than usual and appeared to have leaves in her hair.


    ¡°Dear love, what happened? Was that you who screamed?¡±  Britina was worried. The warrior had never seemed this distraught before.


    ¡°I lost,¡± Prunhiline mumbled.


    ¡°You lost what?  I¡¯m sure we can find it?¡±  Britina asked.


    ¡°I lost the war!¡± Prunhiline growled.


    ¡°War?¡± Britina asked, confused.


    ¡°Yeah, with the tree rodents.  I hate squirrels.¡± Prunhiline huffed and began to pack her things.


    Britina watched her friend but let her be. She knew Prunhiline needed some silent time and didn¡¯t want to know why the tall warrior was waging war on squirrels.

 Chapter 16 - Meeting the King

    ¡°You are late!¡± yelled Bruin, King of the Dwarves. ¡°I would expect the newly appointed heroes of the realm to be on time.¡± He looked them over with a hint of suspicion. Dwarves weren¡¯t known for trusting other races, especially ones three times their height. So he trusted Prunhiline the least.


    Prunhiline and Britina stood nervously before the King.  They both felt shame for being several days late for their meeting.  Even Prunhiline, usually oblivious, felt terrible about their lateness. She was used to being late, but rarely days late.


    ¡°Your Majesty, there were¡­complications along the way,¡± Britina said, hoping Prunhiline would follow her lead in diplomacy. She knew the warrior didn¡¯t handle authority figures well, especially short, angry kings.


    ¡°Yeah, we ran into werewolves, zombies, a dragon, and some bandits,¡± Prunhiline added, her embarrassment forgotten in the excitement of recounting their journey.


    ¡°What?¡± King Bruin shouted, glaring at the two women.  Something in their faces told him they weren¡¯t lying. Still, it sounded like there was more to the story.


    ¡°Yes, there were some incidents on our way.  It included a few, uh, unfortunate run-ins.¡± Britina was at a loss for words. She wanted her first meeting with the Dwarven King to have been much better than it was currently going.


    ¡°Run-ins?¡± Prunhiline laughed. ¡°The best part was driving those bandits out of that town. And the dragon! She was amazing.¡±


    ¡°Yes, dear love, but we were supposed to be here days ago.  The King is very busy.¡± Britina hissed as she looked up at the tall warrior. This was not the time for Prunhiline to get excited over tales of her conquest.


    ¡°What about werewolves, zombies, a dragon, and bandits?¡± the King asked now more calmly than they had seen him since they had arrived. He had heard some news of these various dangerous creatures running about.


    The two women began recounting their journey from zombies to werewolves, the dragon, the bandits, and even the squirrels. The King and his advisors were entertained, appalled, and skeptical of the misadventures, mainly about the squirrels.  Prunhiline insisted the squirrels were organized and intelligent and that the dwarven army should be prepared.Unauthorized usage: this tale is on Amazon without the author''s consent. Report any sightings.


    ¡°Fine,¡± the King finally said. ¡°It sounds like you¡¯ve had quite a journey. My apologies for losing my temper. Welcome to my kingdom!¡±


    ¡°Thank you, your Majesty,¡± Britina said.  Prunhiline smiled and waved. Britina made a mental note to work on the warrior¡¯s royal manners.


    ¡°My kingdom is open to you.  You will be given our ambassador¡¯s quarters, and I hope you sample our fine foods and ale.¡±  The King smiled for the first time.  Prunhiline perked up at the mention of ale.  ¡°My son will be returning in a few days, and I hope we can have a productive diplomatic meeting."


    ¡°Thank you again, your Majesty,¡±  Britina said, seeing even the tall warrior bowed with her.


    ¡°Now then, you must be tired from your, um, adventures.  I¡¯ll have the guards escort you to your quarters.  Please feel free to explore the markets outside the city gates.¡±  The King nodded his head to a guard who approached the two.


    They followed the guard to their quarters.  The Dwarven fortress was carved into the side of a massive mountain. Many of the wealthy or powerful dwarves lived inside its well-defended walls. Outside the main entrance, a bustling town had grown up, home to both dwarves and non-dwarves. This was where most of the dwarfs and any non-dwarfs lived.  As they had entered the city, Prunhiline had made note of all the taverns she wanted to visit.


    Britina, for her part, had noticed many cafes and a few bookshops along the main road leading into the main fortress. She made a mental note of the places she wanted to visit and hoped they¡¯d have time after they checked in.


    The ambassador''s quarters were about a half mile into the mountain.  The two women thanked the guard as they settled into their rooms.


    ¡°Dear love, after we rest, let¡¯s visit the village. I¡¯d love to check out a few of the bookshops I saw,¡± Britina said.


    ¡°Sure, Bri, I want to hit a few taverns.  Dwarven Ale is the best!¡± Prunhiline pumped her fist into the air as she fell backward onto the bed.


    Britina rolled her eyes as she unpacked. She sat down to write a few letters, including one to the King to let him know they¡¯d arrived safely, leaving out some of the finer details of their journey.


    Britina stood up and stretched, ¡°Well, dear love, are you ready to explore the town?¡±


    ¡°Sure!¡¯ Prunhiline sat up quickly; she was excited to be moving around.


    ¡°What do you want to do first?¡± Britina asked.


    ¡°I¡¯ve got a great game we can play while we explore the town. We used to play it back in my village,¡± Prunhiline said, a mischievous twinkle in her eye. Britina wasn¡¯t entirely sure she wanted to know what kind of games they played on the plains. The universe giggled in anticipation.

 Chapter 17 - Who would have known

    Prunhiline, the warrior of the plains, sat with a look of pure satisfaction. Beside her sat her best friend and accidental wife, Britina, a Magi of the Fifth Circle of the Arcane Arts. Britina came from a long line of law-abiding merchants and scholars and she was most certainly not smiling. Her usually beautiful features were contorted with a dark, angry scowl.


    Prunhiline didn''t notice her companion''s sullen state and burst out with her ordinarily loud, joyous, and sometimes obnoxious laugh, "That was fun, Bri!"


    ¡°Yes, dear love,¡± Britina sneered. ¡°But now we seem to be in jail. Again. A nice jail, yes, but still a jail.¡±


    The jail in question was deep under the dwarven capital of Uderban, with a rather ¡°lovely¡± view of the lava pits. The cell itself was suspended on a chain directly over said pits. These particular cells were typically used for more severe crimes. Overall, it was nice, a bit dry, but tidy. As everyone knows, dwarves are not only solemn people but also tidy people.


    Britina''s sour comment only fueled Prunhiline''s laughter. "It''s a nice jail that serves beer! For every meal! Even breakfast!"


    Prunhiline stood up, bumping her head on the low ceiling again. The dwarven cell was definitely made for someone much shorter than she was. Their tallest warrior was an astonishing five feet, whereas Prunhiline was six feet seven inches and three quarters. Not really three-quarters, but being an average height in her village caused her to want to be a little taller. Rubbing her head, Prunhiline sat down hard on the bunk beside Britina, laughing even louder. Britina rolled her eyes.


    "Yes, dear love. But I do prefer a fine wine over, ugh, beer. Besides, shouldn''t we be worried about how cross the dwarven king is?"


    "Na! I''m sure he''ll see it was only harmless fun and a little misunderstanding!" Prunhiline stretched her legs out, placing her feet on the bars across from them.


    ¡°Harmless fun¡± was not precisely how the dwarven king had seen it. In fact, he was so furious that Britina¡¯s ¡°What Did You Say¡± spell couldn¡¯t even translate some of the dwarven profanity. It gave Britina a cold shiver to think the king had resorted to the ancient dwarven curses to express himself adequately.


    Prunhiline yawned and snuggled into the only bed, inadvertently pushing Britina against the bars. With both of them squeezed into the small cell, Britina started feeling a bit claustrophobic. Some of her new phobias mostly came from Prunhiline, such as having monsters under the bed (Hello dear reader, that''s a story for another day).


    "They could have at least given us two cells." Mumbled Britina.


    ¡°Why? This is fun! It¡¯s like a sleepover¡­ over a volcano! I¡¯ve always wanted to do that!¡± Prunhiline giggled.


    Britina''s face wouldn''t allow her to frown any deeper, so she added a glare to the ensemble.


    ¡°Well, we¡¯d still be in the larger cell if it weren¡¯t for that last unfortunate incident,¡± Britina muttered.


    Prunhiline began to look slightly embarrassed after being reminded of the incident. Britina''s frown lost its footing on her face. Soon, her scowl was being replaced with a small smile. The smile charged forward to become a grin, and soon, the mage was giggling. Prunhiline looked at her companion as if she had lost her mind.


    "Oh, dear love, I did enjoy the looks on the dwarves'' faces when they rushed into our cell in full armor and ready for battle! The whole city was on alert. This place hasn''t seen this much excitement in many years." Britina said with a hint of sarcasm.


    Prunhiline looked down at the lava pit with some embarrassment. "So, what was it they were shouting?"


    Britina¡¯s eyes sparkled with amusement. ¡°Dragon!¡± She laughed so hard that the cell began to swing on its chain.


    "What dragon!" Prunhiline shouted. "I didn''t see a dragon."


    "There wasn''t a dragon; it was you." Britina laughed again.


    "Me?" Prunhiline asked, confused.Unauthorized reproduction: this story has been taken without approval. Report sightings.


    "You were snoring, and they thought you were the dragon." Britina enjoyed teasing the warrior.


    "I don''t snore that loud," Prunhiline grumbled.


    "Yes, dear love, you do." Britina was on the verge of tears.


    "That''s no reason to put us in the high-security prison." Prunhiline pouted.


    Britina considered what the warrior had said. "No, snoring wasn''t the only reason they were moved to the prison''s high-security section. It had more to do with what happened when they startled you awake."


    The first cell they shared was far larger than their current cage. It was intended to hold a dozen dwarves. When the guards escorted them to the dungeon with the other prisoners, the other occupants suddenly changed their minds. Britina had hoped that she and her companion would inspire criminals to change, but she knew it was less inspiration and more fear of the tall warrior.


    A few recognized the two women and began to whisper to the others who they were. Many became agitated and almost frightened. The whispers became more frantic as one battle-worn dwarf with many scars approached the cell door.


    "I be confessing of my crimes." He announced. All of the dwarves'' become silent.


    The warden stared at him in confusion. "I thought you said you didn''t do it."


    "Oh, aye, I did it and a few more." He said.


    The whispers started up again. The other inmates looked at the old dwarf with a mixture of respect and fear. He, on the other hand, was staring hard at Prunhiline.


    Prunhiline looked at the old dwarf curiously. "I know you!" She announced. "Um, you are, yeah, you are. You were the ball!" Everyone, including Britina, looked at Prunhiline as if she had gone crazy. "You came to our village, something about you being the greatest warrior or something. Yeah, you were the ball for our first game of dwarf ball! That was a blast; I''d love to do that again. You guys up?" She looked around at the other inmates.


    There was an uproar as all the prisoners confessed their crimes and begged for immediate trials. The warden had taken mercy on them and expedited their hearings to that day, and the criminals were all very thankful.


    Soon, the two women found themselves alone. Britina smiled at the sight of Prunhiline passed out on the much too small dwarven bed. The bunk was just large enough to allow her to lie down with her knees bent over the edge and her feet stretched across the floor. Her arms were so long that her one arm was lying on the floor. It had been an eventful day, and both women fell fast asleep.


    Later that night, the guards rushed into the cell, yelling, "Dragon! Dragon!" The noise had startled both Britina and Prunhiline from their slumber. On instinct, both women leaped into battle. Britina cast her ¡°Freeze It¡± spell, encasing several dwarves in a block of ice. The other dwarves rushing in weren''t as lucky as their frozen companions. Prunhiline charged into the dwarves¡¯ ranks, knocking most of them down and disarming the rest. She then proceeded to toss them around the cell like ragdolls. Soon, the battle left the cell and entered the hall. More dwarven warriors joined the fight.


    Britina was initially confused as to why they were shouting dragon when there was none. She ran out into the hall after Prunhiline. Prunhiline and the dwarves were still fighting, but there was still no dragon in sight. Then Britina spotted the king in full armor, storming into the prison. He appeared to be even angrier than he was earlier at their first trial.


    Britina cast her "I''m talking here" spell and shouted, "Snickerdoodle!" The spell amplified her voice, and all the dwarves grasped their ears in pain. Prunhiline stopped mid-swing and dropped the three dwarves she was holding. ¡°Snickerdoodle¡± was their code word to stop fighting immediately, no matter what. Prunhiline looked at Britina, confused.


    The dwarven king began to shout at them and his guards. Britina didn¡¯t need a spell to know what the king was shouting; the meaning was crystal clear. The dwarven warriors began to regroup, and a few that were still conscious were ordered to escort the warrior and the mage to their new high-security cell.


    Britina had overheard some guards talking during their first meal in the cell. Thankfully, there hadn''t been any casualties, but many of the guards had been hurt during the "battle." There was a concern that the number was so high that there wasn''t enough to guard the city properly.


    ¡°I don¡¯t snore that loud,¡± Prunhiline muttered. ¡°Maybe fiercely, but not loud.¡±


    Britina began to laugh harder. The warrior had no idea how loud and fierce she snored. She didn''t realize she had defeated and scared away a group of gnolls with her snoring while camping out. She, indeed, did have a fierce snore.


    Britina had known Prunhiline since college and had been roommates for as long. She knew the warrior''s habits, including lack of bathing and snoring. Britina gave Prunhiline a long, knowing look that caused her companion to sink into the bed sheepishly.


    "I can''t help it." The warrior whined. "I''m a sound sleeper. It''s why my father didn''t allow me to go with them on overnight hunting parties."


    "You scared away all of the animals?"


    "Yes," Prunhiline said meekly.


    Britina shook her head. She looked at her tall, muscular companion, attempting to become comfortable in the small cage. She knew Prunhiline was uncomfortable in a cage; she was a plainswoman and preferred open spaces. Prunhiline could turn any boring event into excitement, even in her sleep.


    "Things will work out, dear love, but I believe our king will not be happy once he learns about our imprisonment. We are heroes of the realm, after all."


    "I don''t know what the big deal was all about. It was just harmless fun." Prunhiline said as she tapped the bars with her foot.


    Britina¡¯s mind wandered back to their ¡°original¡± crime. She¡¯d warned Prunhiline it was a bad idea, but, of course, the warrior hadn¡¯t listened.


    Prunhiline frowned. ¡°Who could have known dwarf-jumping was illegal in all dwarven cities?¡±


    "One would wonder, dear love; one would wonder," Britina said, shaking her head.

 Chapter 18 - Guarding the City

    The tall warrior leaned against the stone wall of the dwarven kingdom¡¯s entrance, yawning as she stretched her long arms wide. She blinked against the sun, scratching her head as she stretched her tall, lean frame.  She enjoyed the scratching and continued down her neck to the front of her throat.  Soon, she¡¯d scratched every inch of her body and was now thoroughly enjoying a deep itch on her backside, her face contorted in bliss.


    ¡°Dear love, while we¡¯re on guard duty, maybe we could try for a bit of dignity?¡± Britina said, shaking her head at the warrior¡¯s unladylike behavior.


    ¡°Aw, Bri, come on! This is a side entrance. No one even uses it, and there¡¯s no one around!¡± the warrior whined.


    ¡°Regardless, we should be taking this position seriously. It was kind of the king to lighten our sentence and allow us community service.¡±  The mage muttered, appalled she was delegated to community service.  Her father would be ashamed.


    ¡°But we still have to stay in the jail. I like the beer, but it¡¯s too small.¡± Prunhiline continued her whining.


    ¡°Better the jail than the high-security cell we were in.¡± That part added more shame to the mage, but at least she was dangerous enough to be in a high-security cell. Or maybe that was just because of Prunhiline.


    ¡°The view was nice,¡± Prunhiline said, trying to lighten the mood.


    ¡°Yes, dear love. Nice view of the lava pit we were suspended over.¡± Britina glared at her companion.


    Prunhiline resumed her scratching exploration as Britina peered down the road from the mountain fortress. Britina squinted, trying to get a better view of the movement she thought she had seen.


    ¡°Dear love, please stop.¡± Britina pleaded.


    ¡°Why? No one is here.¡± Prunhiline complained; she was enjoying herself.If you stumble upon this tale on Amazon, it''s taken without the author''s consent. Report it.


    ¡°I am.¡±  Britina couldn¡¯t help but snarl at Prunhiline. ¡°Besides, I think I see someone on the road.¡±


    Prunhiline squinted, shielding her eyes from the sun.  At first, she didn¡¯t see anything, but then she saw some movement far down the road.  It was a man, a human-like figure, walking slowly toward them.  Prunhiline''s palms began to itch with the hope of battle.


    The long road leading up to the mountain stronghold¡¯s back gate was mostly straight.  The trees and bushes had been removed centuries ago to deter any ambushes.  This entrance was mainly used by a few merchants and guards returning from patrol.


    Prunhiline eased her hand down the handle of her long war hammer.  Britina watched her curiously.  The warrior was known to sense danger, but this appeared to be a lone traveler.  An especially slow lone traveler.


    ¡°Relax, Prun,¡± Britina murmured. ¡°It¡¯s just a lone merchant.¡±


    ¡°A lone merchant, traveling through dense forest with no support, wagon, or horse?¡± Prunhiline whispered.


    Britina glanced back to the spec, which was the figure in question. Prunhiline made good points, as always, when it came to protection. Few would travel this road, especially alone. She relaxed her body and began channeling a bit of magical energy, just in case, as they waited.


    ¡°Maybe we should go see if he needs help?¡± Prunhiline said, breaking the silence between the two women.


    ¡°No, dear love,¡±  Britina said quietly.  ¡°We need to stay at the gate.¡±  She, too, was becoming anxious as the strange figure approached.


    Eventually, Prunhiline grew bored and relaxed against the stone wall. This was just one person walking very slowly. Britina, too, released her magical focus and leaned against the cool stone wall. It felt good on the warm day.


    ¡°Hey, Bri?¡± Prunhiline asked.


    ¡°Hmm.¡± Britina was on the verge of sleep.


    ¡°How long do we have to guard the gates?¡± Prunhiline asked softly.


    ¡°Until dusk.¡± Yawned Britina.


    ¡°No, I mean, how many days?¡± Prunhiline also yawed.


    ¡°Until the guards we wounded are well enough to return to duty,¡± Britina smirked. It was terrible they had attacked the guards, but she was also proud they held their own against them.


    Prunhiline scrunched up her face in disgust, ¡°I still can¡¯t believe I was ¡®the dragon.¡¯¡±


    ¡°I can,¡± Britina yawned again.  The sun was warm.


    ¡°I don¡¯t snore that loud,¡± Prunhiline whined, crossing her arms.


    ¡°Yes, you do.¡± Britina gave a small giggle.


    ¡°Still not fair," She frowned as she crossed her arms.


    Britina responded with a quiet snore as she drifted off, the warm sun finally lulling her to sleep. She hadn¡¯t slept well in the jail, and now the birds sang her into a peaceful nap.


    Prunhiline humphed. ¡°I¡¯m not the only one who snores.¡± She smiled at her sleeping companion, settling in to enjoy the warm sun.

 Chapter 19 - Intermission

    ¡°Come play with us,¡± the little girl said, her smile growing even brighter.


    ¡°Yes, come play with us.¡± Said Mr. Finklewink in his much too deep voice, his big rabbit ears flopping as he bobbed his head.


    Britina took her sister¡¯s hand as they ran up a winding staircase toward an unknown adventure. They laughed as the sun warmed them, and the servants began to sing as they skipped through the halls. They never did this together.  Her little sister never had the opportunity to run alongside Britina.  Together, they burst into their father''s prize garden.  Mr. Finklewink laughed along with the two children.


    The garden was considered to be the most exquisite garden in the city. It rivaled all of the other lords'' and ladies'' gardens.  It was in the center of the large manor.  Around the perimeter were the rose bushes, all in full bloom.  Circling the fountain in the middle was a canopy of flowers with all the colors in the world.  This was Britina¡¯s second favorite place to study.  Her favorite place to study was far off into the future.


    The two sisters giggled, laughed, and, yes, dear reader, they frolicked. They twirled faster and faster, their dresses billowing out as they spun. Her little sister never did this. Mr. Finklewink sang along in his absurdly deep voice. Dizzy with enjoyment, they fell laughing as only children could laugh.


    Britina plucked a nearby rose, intending to place it in her sister¡¯s hair as she¡¯d done many times before. But suddenly, she felt ill.  Before crumbling in her hand, the beautiful rose emitted a dreadful stench, the smell of death and rotting flesh.  Shocked, she looked at her sister lying next to her. Dead eyes stared back.  The little girl opened her blacked mouth and groaned.


    Mr. Finklewink stood, which he never did, and stumbled toward her. ¡°Flesh!¡±  he and Britina¡¯s sister moaned in unison, reaching out for her. Terror gripped Britina as she screamed, jolting herself awake.


    --


    Prunhiline smiled at the snoring mage.  The sun was warm like the plains of her home.  The wind reminded her of the breeze that crossed the flat lands.  Her eyes shut, but she shook her head, attempting to wake herself.  Again, her eyes became heavy, and her head dropped.  The ever-alert warrior fell fast asleep.


    The warrior stood proud and tall, well, taller, looking over the plains.  Across the tall grass was a herd of bison.  She could see other animals gather near the pond.  Her smile grew wide as she recalled her first kill of each. Like everyone in her village, she was an accomplished hunter, her title bearing the names of all her kills, so many it would take from sunrise to sunset to list them all. She was proud of her title.Ensure your favorite authors get the support they deserve. Read this novel on Royal Road.


    ¡°Prunhiline,¡± Said a deep voice next to her.


    Prunhiline looked to her right to see her father standing next to her.  He was seven foot two and two quarters because every inch counted.  His harness was adorned with knives of all shapes and sizes, each used to dress the day¡¯s kill carefully. He held his long metal spear in his right hand.


    ¡°Daddy!¡±  Prunhilne stood straight and tall.


    ¡°Are you ready to hunt?¡± Her father asked.


    ¡°Yes, Daddy!¡± She said with excitement, raising her own equally long metal spear.


    Together, they sprinted toward the herd of bison. Other great hunters from her village joined them. They ran quietly and swiftly. The old shaman ran to her left. He was one of the oldest people in their village, but not as old as the old wise woman. The shaman easily kept pace with Prunhiline as they raced toward their prey. This would be a good hunt!


    The village worked in unison. The experienced hunters identified the slowest members of the herd, marking them with juicy berries that stained their fur. The other hunters protected the spotters. Soon, the fastest runners began the perilous duty of directing the prey away from the herd. They used the blunt end of their spears and shouted to push the beast to where they wanted it.


    Once the beast was separated from the herd, the other hunters prevented the herd from intervening. Knowing this dance of death, the herd kept its place but watched and mourned the loss of one of its own.


    The chief, his daughter, and the shaman closed in for the kill. Prunhiline and the shaman struck their spears deep into the bison¡¯s hindquarters, hitting the spot they knew would bring it down. The chief had the honor of killing it.  He drove his spear deep into the beast, piercing its heart.  A few seconds passed as the dying creature thrashed but could not move its powerful hind legs. It died quickly.  The hunters cheered, and then they all fell silent as the shaman chanted thanks to the beast and the gods.


    The herd let out a final cry, honoring their fallen member before moving on. The hunters set to work, each with their own task. Every part of the bison would be used; nothing would go to waste.


    Prunhiline stood proud next to her father. They inspected their kill, which was part of being a hunter on the plains.  Prunhiline smiled up at her tall father.  He seemed taller. She looked over at the shaman, who also seemed to be growing taller. Then she realized they weren¡¯t getting taller; she was shrinking.


    ¡°Little Prunhiline,¡± her father, a giant towering over her, said, ¡°You are too small to be here. Go back to the village.¡±


    ¡°No, Daddy, I can hunt!¡± She cried out.


    ¡°Ah, little Prunejuice,¡± the shaman teased. ¡°Go back and let the real hunters do their job.¡±  Prunhiline hated the nickname Prunejuice.  She glared at the elder shaman.


    Her father and the shaman reached down and took her spear, knives, and, to her horror, her favorite war hammer, the one given to her by Britina.


    ¡°These are dangerous for you,¡° her father said.


    The shaman handed her a stuffed unicorn doll. It was fluffy and white, with a golden, dulled horn so she wouldn¡¯t hurt herself. Its dull, lifeless eyes, rainbow-colored tail, and unsettling grin stared back at her.


    Prunhiline looked at the toy in her hands.


    The unicorn turned its dead eyes toward Prunhiline and moaned. She screamed herself awake.

 Chapter 20 - Refill

    Britina and Prunhiline jolted awake from their respective nightmares, assaulted by the stench of decay and death. The reek was so pungent it made their eyes water. Britina covered her nose with the sleeve of her robe, and Prunhiline cupped both hands over her nose. They both looked at each other.


    ¡°It wasn¡¯t me this time!¡± Prunhiline coughed, waving her hands in the air.


    ¡°Are you sure?¡± Britina gasped.


    ¡°You''re still conscious,¡± Prunhiline smirked from behind her hands.


    ¡°Good point,¡± Britina agreed. She knew if Prunhiline had farted, she would not still be standing. Prunhiline was infamous for her noxious flatulence.


    A mournful moan echoed up the small road leading to the gate. Both women peered down the road to see that the lone figure had finally approached far enough for them to determine details.


    It appeared to be a human wearing a long black cloak with a hood pulled low. They couldn¡¯t tell if it was a man or a woman, but both assumed it was a man. It was holding an object in both hands. The smell seemed to be coming from the man.


    ¡°I¡¯m not big on baths, but he needs one,¡± Prunhiline whispered.


    ¡°I agree, dear love,¡± Britina whispered back.


    The two women watched as the man shambled and stumbled up the path. Prunhiline gripped her war hammer, still tense from her nightmare. She wasn¡¯t giving it up. Britina relaxed and allowed her magic to fill her.


    The man stopped several yards before them. The figure tilted its head, letting its hood fall back to reveal a partially rotted face. Cold, dead eyes stared lifelessly at them. The women recoiled in horror as it simply stood there, staring.Love what you''re reading? Discover and support the author on the platform they originally published on.


    ¡°Do you think he¡¯s a friend of Jerald¡¯s?¡± Prunhiline asked.


    ¡°No, I don¡¯t think so,¡± Britina responded in a hushed tone.


    The undead raised his hands, revealing what he¡¯d been carrying: a dented dwarven chest plate. The leather straps were broken, but it looked like it had once been a fine piece of armor. The two women stared at it.


    The vile creature opened its black mouth and groaned, ¡°Refill.¡±


    The undead, the mage, and the warrior stared at one another. A thick silence hung in the air, and even the birds, insects, and the wind held their collective breaths, waiting. The undead lifted the Dwarven armor again and shook it. Prunhiline and Britina looked at each other.


    ¡°Burn it?¡± Prunhiline asked, her eyes wide with confusion.


    ¡°Yes, dear love, burn it.¡± Britina hissed with disgust.


    Prunhiline hefted her great war hammer over her head, swinging it down onto the undead¡¯s head. A sickening crack echoed through the ravine. The creature buckled and broke under the assault. The Dwarven armor shot from its hands, landing at Britina¡¯s feet.


    Britina readied her fire spell, and with a loud crack, she released it. Her blue eyes glowed blue-white as fire erupted from her outstretched hands, engulfing the crumbling undead. The smell of burning rotten flesh assaulted the two women as the creature screeched from the flames engulfing its dead body. It writhed but couldn¡¯t move due to its crushed spine, preventing any attempt at escape from re-death.


    Both women covered their noses, attempting to protect themselves from the horrid smell of burning rotten undead flesh. They were both surprised to find that burning it had thankfully smelled better than it had upon arrival.


    Britina picked up the dwarven armor. Though dented and scratched, the ornate engraving on the front was still mostly intact and looked familiar to the mage.


    ¡°Prun!¡± Britina shouted, ¡°This armor belongs to the prince!¡±


    "What?" Prunhiline asked, her eyes still watering from the burning corpse. "How do you know?"


    Britina pointed at the name tag inside the armor. ¡°It says, ¡®If found, please return to Prince Darren of the Dwarven Kingdom of Nagitha.¡¯¡±


    Prunhiline looked inside and read the note. ¡°That¡¯s not a bad idea.¡±


    "What?" Britina asked in confusion.


    Prunhiline pointed at the label. ¡°I need to put labels on my weapons and armor too.¡±


    ¡°Dear love,¡± Britina said urgently, ¡°we need to inform the king!¡±

 Chapter 21 - Reporting the news to the king

    The king held his son¡¯s armor before him. His face was passive, but his eyes held a storm of emotion.


    ¡°It said what again?¡± asked the king¡¯s advisor.


    ¡°Refill,¡± said Britina quietly.  She didn¡¯t like what that had implied.


    ¡°You killed it?¡± growled the king.


    ¡°Yes, sir,¡± Britina said with a frown.


    ¡°Shattered its spine and burned it back to re-death,¡± Prunhiline added, with perhaps more glee than was warranted.


    ¡°Good.¡± hissed the king.


    A tense silence filled the throne room as the king stared at his reflection in the armor. His son¡¯s armor. His son! They hadn¡¯t parted on the best of terms; the king had been furious at his son¡¯s refusal to marry.


    ¡°I want him found!¡± shouted the king, hurling the armor against the far wall. It struck with a loud bang, echoing through the room.  He turned his glare to Prunhiline and Britina.  ¡°All is forgiven, all charges dropped.  I won¡¯t send my letter to your king.  Find my son!¡±  He stood up from his throne, gave the two heroes a stern glare, and stormed from the large room.


    All eyes turned to the two women. Prunhiline smiled; this was a rescue mission or, worst case, a body retrieval. Either way, there¡¯d be fighting and possibly re-killing. Britina, meanwhile, was already planning. They needed information and supplies.


    ¡°Where was the prince patrolling?¡± Britina asked, turning to the gathered dwarves.


    ¡°He was on patrol duty in the forest.¡± Said the one advisor.  "Since we were short-handed, he volunteered to go.¡± The last part came out as a sneer toward the mage.  Britina flinched despite the king forgiving their crimes; the people still regarded them as villains. Perhaps that would change if they returned with the prince.Enjoying the story? Show your support by reading it on the official site.


    ¡°Good.  We will begin our search in the forest,¡± Britina said, ¡°we will need our mounts and supplies.¡±


    ¡°And beer!¡± Answered Prunhiline.  All eyes glared at the warrior, who didn¡¯t notice.


    The advisor sighed, ¡°We''ll provide you with your horses and supplies.  Even a cakset of beet.  But we cannot send any troops with you, unfortunately.¡±  Britina felt the advisor regretted that they couldn¡¯t spare any men to search for the prince.


    ¡°We don¡¯t need backup.¡± Said Prunhiline, insulted that they would think she and Birtina needed help.  They were seasoned adventures (sort of), and they could handle anything but squirrels.


    Britina quickly intervened, ¡°Prunhiline is correct. We¡¯ll be fine, and the city may rest easier with us away.¡±  The advisor nodded in agreement.


    Britina and Prunhiline walked out of the side entrance they had been guarding that morning.  The smell of burned flesh still lingered in the air.  It would be some time before it would finally dissipate.


    Britina checked her brown-and-white horse, making sure everything was in order. Her bags were still packed with books, quills, parchments, and other magical supplies. The dwarves had added food as an afterthought, just some loaves of bread and cheese. She frowned at the ¡°provisions.¡±


    Prunhiline happily patted down her massive black war horse. Like the warrior, he was larger than life. Various weapons were strapped around his saddle: knives, swords, and axes of all lengths. Her prized war hammer hung within easy reach.  She checked the barrel strapped haphazardly to the horse and was happy to find it was filled with beer.  The forest would provide the rest.


    ¡°Well, dear love, we are off to save the prince,¡±  Britina said, mounting her horse with ease.


    Prunhiline lept upon her horse and shouted with glee, ¡°Let¡¯s go!¡±


    Britina stared at her. Prunhiline¡¯s grin widened, and she shouted again, ¡°Let¡¯s go!¡±


    Britina shook her head in disbelief. In their excitement, they¡¯d forgotten to ask for the prince¡¯s patrol details. A polite cough from the doorway caught her attention; it was the royal advisor. With a stern look, he handed Britina a rolled parchment.


    ¡°Here is a map outlining the prince¡¯s scheduled patrol route.¡± He turned and walked back into the city. Britina blushed, embarrassed by their oversight.


    ¡°Let¡¯s go!¡± Prunhiline pointed excitedly down the hill.


    ¡°Yes, dear love, let¡¯s go,¡± Britina agreed.

 Chapter 22 - The Village

    The two women rode down the path as Britina studied the maps. It was supposed to be a twenty-four-hour patrol, but the Prince had been missing for forty-eight hours. They had a lot of ground to cover. The patrol would have passed through five checkpoints. They planned to check each one, starting with the last, to find where the Prince might have gone missing.


    They settled into their normal travel routine. Britina lost herself in working through another magical theory, occasionally glancing over to check on her companion.


    Prunhiline looked at everything. When she could see the sky, she stared at the clouds. She inspected every tree, rock, moss, animal, and object they encountered, looking for shapes, movement, and danger. She stayed alert for an attack but couldn¡¯t help daydreaming about her next battle. Then she spotted a squirrel playing in a tree and shivered; she hated the foul thing.


    ¡°The prince could have been abducted,¡± Britina said, snapping Prunhiline¡¯s attention away from the squirrel.


    ¡°Maybe. His armor was scuffed,¡± Prunhiline said. ¡°How do you think that shambler got hold of it?¡±


    ¡°Maybe he wasn¡¯t wearing his armor,¡± Britina said.


    ¡°Why would he take off his armor?¡± Prunhiline asked, frowning in confusion.


    ¡°To bathe,¡± Britina said, smiling, knowing how the warrior would react. The warrior shuddered at the mage¡¯s suggestion. To Prunhiline, baths were almost as bad as squirrels. ¡°It would make sense,¡± the mage continued. ¡°He could have been abducted, and the shambler could have found his armor. We were lucky to have been where it finally stumbled, too.¡±


    Prunhiline nodded. This did make sense. If this was true, she felt sorry for the Prince. She would be humiliated if this happened to her! But she had been caught by an enemy while in the bath without her armor. The warrior smiled, remembering that recent rampage. It was glorious.


    Soon, they reached their first checkpoint, the last one the Prince would have passed before returning to the fortress. The dwarven villagers weren¡¯t exactly happy to see them, but they offered help nonetheless.If you spot this narrative on Amazon, know that it has been stolen. Report the violation.


    They were given a tent to sleep in and a hot meal, which, to Prunhiline¡¯s delight, included beer. The exhausted women were soon fast asleep from their weary day. Tomorrow, they would have to travel further.


    The sun peaked over the mountain as Britina woke. She was still tired but felt better than she had in weeks. Fear pulled at her good mood when she found Prunhiline missing from the tent. Unsupervised, the warrior was capable of tremendous trouble.


    The mage exited the tent, stood very quietly, and listened. Soon, she heard Prunhiline''s distinctive laugh. Thankfully, it wasn''t a war cry or the screams of Dwarves, which she had become all too familiar with during their previous mishaps.


    She found her companion sitting by the large fire in the middle of the encampment. Even sitting, the Dwarves were dwarfed by the warrior¡¯s great height (yes, dear reader, pun intended).


    Britina was appalled to find Prunhiline drinking beer for breakfast. Various meats were smoking on a spit, causing Britina¡¯s stomach to rumble.


    Upon seeing Britina, Prunhiline slid over on her bench, giving her friend room to sit. Britina sat gracefully. The nearest Dwarf handed her a plate filled with meat. She thanked the Dwarf. They gave her a mug of beer, which she took with another thank you but with less approval.


    ¡°It¡¯s breakfast beer, good for the morning drousies.¡± The Dwarf said, giving the mage a big toothy smile.


    Britina started to thank the Dwarf again but was cut off by Prunhiline. ¡°And that¡¯s when I cut off its head and brought it back as a trophy for the village!¡± Prunhiline finished her story, delighting the dwarven audience.


    Britina realized that Prunhiline was retelling the tale of their battle with the Hellboar (see Prunhiline and Britina vs. The Hellboar, yes, dear reader, a story for another day). Britina bit into the meat, and it was no surprise that it was boar meat. Whenever Prunhiline ate boar, she had to tell that story even when it was just her and Britina (who was there for the adventure).


    ¡°If I remember correctly, dear love, we ate boar meat for a week. That included the village.¡± Britina added to the story.


    ¡°Hellboar meat,¡± corrected Prunhiline, ¡°has more of a kick to it.¡± The Dwarves cheered in appreciation of Prunhiline¡¯s meat knowledge.


    Britina smiled; she had gotten sick of boar, excuse me, Hellboar meat, but it wasn¡¯t so bad. It did have a good flavor. She watched as Prunhiline basked in her glory. The warrior loved to tell that story. She even added it to her long title. Prunhiline of the Plains, killer of Hellboar ¡­ (Sorry, dear reader, but we don¡¯t have the page allotment to do her entire title).


    After the two finished breakfast, the villagers gave them a warm goodbye. Britina felt that maybe news of their exploits hadn¡¯t traveled as far as she had first thought, and perhaps this journey wouldn¡¯t be as trying as she had anticipated.


    Their horses were loaded with provisions, which Britina dreaded: more boar meat and more beer. Prunhiline was delighted at the prospect of more beer and more boar meat.

 Chapter - 23 Bear!

    The forest was cool in the early morning, and Britina wrapped her cloak tighter to keep warm. Prunhiline, unfazed by the chill, stared intently into the trees. Britina smiled, imagining her companion daydreaming about slaying various creatures.


    ¡°Something¡¯s out there,¡± Prunhiline whispered, her tone tense.


    ¡°Animals, dear love. Maybe squirrels,¡± Britina replied, smiling.


    ¡°No, uh, yes. But this is big,¡± Prunhiline whispered again.


    ¡°Big? Like¡­ boar big?¡± Britina asked, her gaze shifting as she scanned the trees.


    ¡°Not a boar.¡± Prunhiline leaned forward in her saddle.


    Britina peered in the direction of Prunhiline¡¯s stare. She saw only trees and leaves, nothing moving. Still, she tensed. For all her many many faults, Prunhiline was an exceptional hunter.


    ¡°A bear,¡± Prunhiline whispered.


    ¡°A bear?¡± Britina relaxed. Bear attacks on the road were rare. ¡°It¡¯s probably just foraging and won¡¯t bother us.¡±


    The attack was sudden. A roar erupted behind as a massive black bear dragged Prunhiline off her mount. She sprang to her feet, gripping its neck in her powerful arms. The two locked in a struggle. The bear roared, and was Prunhiline laughing?


    Britina readied her spell, waiting for an opening to blast the bear. No way was she repeating the vegetarian zombie incident. But she hesitated.  Prunhiline wasn¡¯t using her weapons, and her laugh was ticklish compared to her typical ¡°I get to kill something¡± laugh. Then Britina noticed the collar around the bear¡¯s neck.


    ¡°Bob¡¯s always happy to see Prunhiline,¡± said a deep voice behind Britina. She turned to see their old friend Randle (see Adventures of Prunhiline and Britina: Bear Wrestling for Fun and Profit).


    ¡°Randle!¡± exclaimed Britina. She relaxed, releasing her magical energy.


    Another roar erupted, followed by Prunhiline¡¯s laughter. She¡¯d pinned the poor bear to the ground, forcing it to tap the ground with its paw to surrender.


    ¡°I win!¡± shouted Prunhiline. She released Bob the Bear, who stood and licked her face. Britina winced. ¡°Ah! Ha! Stop it!¡± Prunhiline enjoyed playing with Bob.


    ¡°How are you, Lady Britina?¡± Randle asked, striding toward her mount.


    Randle was a tall, broad man. He was six foot five and easily five feet wide. As his usual attire, he was clothed in fur and leather. He carried his bow in his left hand and had his short sword on his hip. His bearded face couldn¡¯t hide the smile, and his green eyes twinkled with delight.If you spot this story on Amazon, know that it has been stolen. Report the violation.


    ¡°I am well,¡± Britina replied with a slight bow. ¡°How have you been?¡±


    ¡°Very well, my lady. Bob and I are enjoying our spring in this forest. What brings you two out here?¡± Randle asked in his booming voice.


    ¡°We were sent to the Dwarven capital for a diplomatic visit,¡± Britina said, frowning at the memory of how well it was going. ¡°We¡¯re newly appointed heroes of the realm, and this was supposed to be our first official mission.¡±


    ¡°Congratulations!¡± Randle boomed, slapping his stomach with a hearty laugh. ¡°Were you there for the dragon attack?¡±


    Britina looked away. ¡°There wasn¡¯t a dragon attack.¡± Randle looked at her with curiosity. ¡°We had a small incident in the capital on the first day.¡± Randle nodded, knowing that was code for Prunhiline did something. ¡°My companion engaged in some, uh, dwarven jumping.¡±


    Randle laughed. ¡°Ah! Well, that is illegal in all dwarven settlements. But what does that have to do with the dragon?¡±


    Britina ignored the laughter and snorting from the warrior and the bear (she wasn¡¯t sure which was snorting the most). ¡°We were, uh, detained in the jail,¡± Britina said with much embarrassment.


    ¡°Jail?¡± Randle said. ¡°That¡¯s some first mission.¡± He began to laugh a little.


    ¡°While we were in the jail, there was, uh, a snoring incident,¡± Britina said, her face red with embarrassment.


    ¡°Snoring!¡± Randle roared with laughter. ¡°Let me guess, they thought Prunhiline¡¯s snoring was a dragon!¡±


    Britina nodded. Randle burst with a loud, deep laugh. He slapped his stomach with his right hand, and Britina saw tears forming in his eyes.


    ¡°I don¡¯t snore!¡± shouted Prunhiline, now lying on the ground with her back propped against a napping bear. The bear grunted in what sounded like disagreement. Randle laughed harder.


    ¡°So you two are responsible for the Dwarves being shorthanded on guards?¡± Randle asked.


    ¡°Yes,¡± Britina whispered. ¡°When they attacked the ''dragon,'' they woke Prunhiline. It didn¡¯t go well for everyone.¡±


    ¡°Well, I¡¯d say not. I¡¯ve seen her woken from a deep slumber; it¡¯s not pretty. Her morning breath alone can kill a lich!¡± Randle laughed.


    ¡°Hey! That¡¯s not true!¡± Prunhiline protested. The bear and Randle both grunted in disagreement.


    ¡°So, why are you here? Were you exiled?¡± Randle asked, now with concern.


    ¡°No,¡± Prunhiline chimed in, ¡°We are on a rescue mission.¡±


    ¡°The prince is missing. Some undead may have abducted him,¡± Britina continued.


    ¡°That¡¯s bad. I¡¯ve seen a few undead wandering these woods. I don¡¯t know where they are coming from or going,¡± Randle said. ¡°They seem to be searching for something.¡±


    ¡°Are there any crypts or burial grounds here?¡± asked Britina.


    ¡°Not that I know of,¡± Randle said. ¡°We tend to stay in the southern part of the forest. The north has some nasty creatures.¡± Randle was an accomplished hunter; Britina was surprised he would avoid an area.


    ¡°What kind?¡± asked Prunhiline. She needed to add more to her title.


    ¡°Mostly giant spiders,¡± Randle admitted with a shudder. ¡°I hate spiders.¡± Prunhiline chuckled at his discomfort.


    ¡°Thank you, Randle, we will keep that in mind,¡± Britina said, glaring at Prunhiline. ¡°As long as we don¡¯t run into any squirrels, we will be fine.¡± The word ¡°squirrel¡± caused Prunhiline to let out an eep, and Randle gave the two women a confused look. He was aware of how odd they both were and didn¡¯t ask.


    ¡°If you don¡¯t mind, I¡¯d like to join you. The prince missing is bad for the Dwarven kingdom. He and the king haven¡¯t been seeing eye to eye about some things,¡± Randle said.


    ¡°It¡¯ll be our pleasure to have you on our quest,¡± Britina said as Prunhiline nodded. ¡°Can you show us where you have seen the undead?¡±


    Bob stood, accidentally knocking Prunhiline over. She sprang back to her feet, stretching alongside the bear as they both yawned. Britina rolled her eyes at the pair before following Randle down the path.

 Chapter 24 - That鈥檚 a lot of Zombies

    Randle led them up a steep hill that overlooked a clearing. ¡°We saw a few undead just over this hill. We may get lucky and see one,¡± Randle said.


    They stopped at the top and looked down at the clearing. They all froze.


    ¡°That¡¯s a lot... of zombies,¡± Prunhiline muttered.


    There appeared to be fifty or more, and they seemed to be searching for something. They mostly turned over rocks or tree limbs, walked away, and then another would check the same spot.


    ¡°What are they looking for?¡± Britina asked, confused.


    ¡°Maybe the prince?¡± Prunhiline suggested.


    Randle and Britina looked at each other. That could be it. If he had escaped, maybe they could find him before the undead horde did. It shouldn¡¯t be hard; they weren¡¯t very good at searching.


    ¡°If so, dear love, that could be our good fortune. We could find him and return him to the fortress,¡± Britina said.


    ¡°The only problem is getting around all of the undead,¡± Randle said.


    ¡°Maybe if we went around to the east, if they are content to stay here, we could avoid them,¡± Britina suggested.


    ¡°Great! Let¡¯s go!¡± Prunhiline said a little too loudly. The undead all looked up at the companions on the hill. The collective moan was deafening as they all began a slow shamble toward them.The story has been stolen; if detected on Amazon, report the violation.


    ¡°Should we run?¡± Britina asked, eyeing the sluggish undead.


    ¡°Nah, it¡¯ll take them forever to get here. Let¡¯s go east,¡± Randle said, turning away from the slow mass of undead.


    As the four (don¡¯t forget the bear, dear reader) made their way down the hill to put another obstacle between themselves and the undead, Randle and Prunhiline both stopped. Bob the bear stood up on his hind legs, alert to an attack. Britina took her cue to be ready. Randle pointed, and Prunhiline nodded. Then Prunhiline pointed, and Randle nodded. Even Bob the bear got involved, pointing with his paw, prompting nods from Randle and Prunhiline. This annoyed Britina.


    ¡°What?¡± Britina whispered, aggravated that she was the only one who didn¡¯t know what was happening. Even the blasted bear knew.


    ¡°More tracks,¡± Prunhiline said, hushed. Britina glared at the warrior; now, she was being quiet.


    ¡°So? There should be tracks all over with the undead,¡± Britina said.


    ¡°These aren¡¯t undead. They look to be dwarven,¡± Randle said. Prunhiline and Bob nodded.


    ¡°How can you tell?¡± Britina asked, confused about how anyone could discern such details from the ground.


    ¡°Undead shuffle their feet. This is a solid boot print and doesn¡¯t scuff the ground,¡± Prunhiline explained. Britina trusted Prunhiline and Randle, both expert trackers and apparently the bear too.


    ¡°So, possibly the prince?¡± Britina asked. They nodded, even the bear. ¡°So, which way do they go?¡±


    ¡°North,¡± Randle grumbled. ¡°Straight to the giant spiders.¡±


    ¡°We need to follow those tracks,¡± Britina said. She paused when she looked at Randle. He had an expression she didn¡¯t like. ¡°Randle, what¡¯s wrong?¡±


    ¡°We distracted the zombies. They¡¯re going to walk in a straight line until they find something,¡± Randle said.


    Prunhiline gasped. ¡°Oh, no. We have to do something.¡±


    ¡°What?¡± Britina, again, was left out of the conversation.


    ¡°I¡¯ll go warn the village. You two need to follow the tracks. They could lead you to the prince or at least give some clues as to what¡¯s going on,¡± Randle said.


    Britina nodded, now in the know. ¡°Prun and I will go ahead. Thank your help, Randle.¡±


    ¡°My pleasure, my lady,¡± Randle said. ¡°I¡¯ll warn the village and then catch up with you two.¡± Randle waved goodbye as he and Bob left.


    ¡°All right, then. We are off,¡± Prunhiline said a tad too loudly for Britina¡¯s liking. She pointed east. ¡°To the northern woods and the giant spiders.¡± The last part had more enthusiasm than Britina appreciated.

 Chapter 25 - That鈥檚 One Big Spider

    What Prunhiline lacked in direction was that she more than made up for it with her tracking skills. She could track anything or anyone. As she carefully navigated the woods, inspecting limbs, twigs, and bushes, Britina couldn''t help but admire her. Prunhiline might be a handful, but when she focused, she was truly remarkable.


    After an hour of silent walking, Prunhiline whispered, ¡°Bri, I¡¯ve lost the trail.¡±


    ¡°How?¡± Britina asked.


    ¡°I¡¯m not sure. The zombie tracks are so thick here that I can¡¯t make out the Prince¡¯s tracks anymore.¡± Britina nodded, though she had no idea how Prunhiline could make sense of it in the first place. ¡°I think we should keep going this way toward where the zombies came from.¡±


    ¡°So, the Prince was tracking the zombies back to their source, not just running from them? I get wanting to protect his people, but going alone seems reckless,¡± Britina said.


    ¡°He may have been tracking them back to the source so he could bring back more warriors. Or he could have been chased this way on purpose,¡± Prunhiline said.


    ¡°Dear love, do you think he¡¯s still alive?¡± Britina asked, her voice tinged with sorrow.


    ¡°Yes, I don¡¯t think they killed him,¡± Prunhiline said with too much conviction to argue with.


    The two adventurers headed north. They walked for some time, with Prunhiline checking for tracks. Britina was nervous. This area had zombies and giant spiders. She wasn¡¯t as eager to add anything to Prunhiline¡¯s title as Prunhiline was.


    The attack was swift. Neither saw it coming. A giant spider fell from the trees onto Britina. She screamed in surprise as her horse reared, knocking her to the ground. Prunhiline leaped off her steadfast warhorse, hammer in hand, ready for a fight. It stood with the resolve of a warhorse and never flinched.


    ¡°Bri!¡± Prunhiline shouted, rushing to her companion. Britina swatted the spider off her chest; it was large, about the size of her hand, but not truly giant. She scrambled to her feet and scanned the area, spotting spiders in the trees, none of them giant variety.


    ¡°Randle¡¯s afraid of spiders,¡± Britina said with a frown. ¡°Not giant spiders, just spiders.¡±


    Prunhiline laughed. ¡°Yeah, looks like these are just slightly big spiders. Nothing to worry about.¡±


    ¡°I¡¯ve been worried about it since he told us.¡± Britina stomped her foot, almost crushing the slightly big spider. She wasn¡¯t trying to hurt it; it was just in the way. It''s a good thing she missed it.


    ¡°Who threatens my babies?¡± a voice echoed through the woods. It was a voice full of menace, protection, and danger. It almost slithered with threat.


    Britina turned her back to Prunhiline. The mage spread her arms slightly and ignited her hands with magic. The warrior turned with her back to the mage and readied her war hammer. They had practiced this defensive move so many times that neither needed to think about it.The story has been illicitly taken; should you find it on Amazon, report the infringement.


    ¡°Who¡¯s there?¡± Britina commanded.


    ¡°I¡¯m the Mother,¡± the hiss replied from above them. The slightly big spiders had all left. The forest was quiet.


    ¡°Not my mom,¡± Prunhiline sneered.


    ¡°Prun,¡± Britina whispered a warning. Then, to the unknown entity, she said, ¡°We are looking for someone. Could you help us?¡±


    ¡°And you found someone,¡± the voice said, now coming from Britina¡¯s right. Both the mage and the warrior shifted their stances to protect themselves.


    ¡°If I may ask again, who are you?¡± Britina asked slowly, wanting to avoid a fight.


    ¡°I am the Mother of many.¡± The disembodied voice had moved directly in front of Britina. Prunhiline widened her stance, ready for an attack from any direction.


    Before either could ask again, it emerged from the forest. And it was huge. Randle¡¯s giant spider had made an appearance. The monster was three times as big as Prunhiline¡¯s warhorse. What was worse was the emergence of the giant spider¡¯s children. So many had appeared in the trees and bushes around them that they could barely make out the foliage through the swarm of slightly big spiders.


    ¡°I apologize for almost hurting one of your children. It was an accident,¡± Britina said quickly. Even the warrior would have trouble with this encounter.


    ¡°Accepted,¡± the Mother Spider said. ¡°Why are you here?¡±


    ¡°We are looking for someone, a Dwarven Prince. He may have been abducted by some undead,¡± Britina said, still ready for an attack.


    ¡°Yes,¡± the Mother Spider replied. ¡°He passed through my domain. Why do you seek him?¡±


    ¡°It¡¯s a rescue mission,¡± Prunhiline snapped. She wanted less talking and more hitting.


    The Mother Spider began to make a clicking noise. Her children disappeared, but the two adventurers could feel a thousand eyes watching them. ¡°Yes,¡± she said.


    ¡°Could you help us?¡± Britina asked.


    ¡°Maybe.¡± The Mother Spider¡¯s eyes never left the mage.


    ¡°What could we offer in exchange for assistance?¡± Britina asked, hoping it wasn¡¯t something truly awful.


    ¡°Babysit,¡± the Mother Spider clicked.


    Britina dropped her hands. ¡°What?¡± she exclaimed.


    ¡°Babysit,¡± the Mother Spider said again, her clicking voice amused.


    ¡°You want us to babysit?¡± Prunhiline asked, as alarmed as Britina. She dropped her war hammer to her side and turned to face the giant spider.


    ¡°Yes,¡± the Mother Spider said again. The two adventurers stood, surprised, blinking at the giant spider. ¡°I need a break.¡± They looked at each other, then back at the giant spider. ¡°It¡¯s hard work being a single mom.¡±


    ¡°Prunhiline, the Slightly Giant Spider Babysitter,¡± Prunhiline mumbled, then added with excitement, ¡°I like it! We¡¯ll do it!¡±


    ¡°Prun!¡± Britina looked surprised at her companion.


    Prunhiline turned to Britina. ¡°Look, Bri, we babysit, and then she helps us. It¡¯s a win.¡± She turned back to the Mother Spider. ¡°How long?¡±


    ¡°One hour,¡± the Mother Spider said.


    ¡°How?¡± Britina asked.


    ¡°Entertain them,¡± the Giant Spider said as it disappeared into the woods. Then, the children returned.


    ¡°Entertain them? How are we supposed to do that?¡± Britina asked, glancing at Prunhiline.


    ¡°Storytime!¡± Prunhiline said. ¡°Children love stories.¡±


    ¡°You want to tell a story for an hour?¡± Britina said.


    ¡°Sure, Bri. We¡¯ll start with my title,¡± Prunhiline said proudly.


    ¡°No, we won¡¯t. You¡¯ll want to finish it, and the Prince will be dead of old age,¡± Britina snapped back.


    ¡°I could tell them a story from my favorite puppet show, My Little Colorful Dragons?¡± Prunhiline suggested, hopeful about spreading the word of MLCD.


    ¡°Let¡¯s take a vote from our audience. How many want to hear my companion re-tell a story from My Little Colorful Dragons?¡± Britina looked around. The chatter from their audience was rather loud.


    ¡°Hey, they know about MLCD! Fans everywhere!¡± Prunhiline was excited to meet more DragBros.


    Britina sighed, unsure if the chatter was agreement or hunger. ¡°Or,¡± Britina announced loudly, ¡°a story about how Prunhiline and I¡ª¡±


    ¡°Got married!¡± Prunhiline shouted, cutting off the mage.


    ¡°No!¡± Britina yelled hysterically. She took a breath and said, ¡°Or we could tell them how we met.¡± The chatter grew even louder.


    ¡°Great idea!¡± Prunhiline said.


    Hello, Dear Reader. That¡¯s a story for another time. You can read Prun & Bri: Friends and Enemies - How They Met. Just kidding, keep reading.

 Chapter 26 - How I Met My Chaos Wife

    ### Chapter 26 - How I Met My Chaos Wife


    ¡°This, creepy spider children of the terrifying giant spider mom, is how I met my wife,¡± Prunhiline said.


    ----


    ¡°My name is Lieutenant Baker. You will call me Baker. I will be your hand-to-hand combat instructor.¡± The bald man stood five foot five but was nearly as broad as he was tall. He appeared to be all muscle. His small stature didn¡¯t keep him from being loud. His voice echoed across the indoor gym. ¡°This course will teach you to defend yourself without MAGIC OR WEAPONS,¡± he said, the last words dripping with disgust. ¡°I am an expert in hand-to-hand combat. I guarantee you will know how to disarm, defend, and defeat any foe. Any questions?¡±


    The six-foot-seven giant standing behind the other students raised her hand. ¡°Any way I can skip this class?¡±


    The other experienced students groaned. They knew what would happen next. The young blonde woman in the front rolled her eyes. This was her first day of classes at the university. She wanted to learn, not listen to someone who thought they knew better than the instructor.


    ¡°Prunhiline of the Plains,¡± Baker announced. ¡°You are more than welcome to step forward and prove you don¡¯t need this course.¡±


    ¡°Yes! Combat on the first day. I¡¯m going to love this university,¡± Prunhiline said, pumping her fist in the air. She stepped between the other students and faced her instructor. Some of the students laughed.


    ¡°Begin!¡± shouted Baker.


    Prunhiline reached for the smaller man. Baker grabbed the giant¡¯s wrist, twisted his whole body, and quickly tossed the towering woman across the gym. She landed on her back, the sound reverberating through the room. All the students watched in amazement.


    Prunhiline raised both fists into the air and shouted, ¡°Yes! That was amazing!¡± She returned to her feet with a broad smile and approached the instructor again.


    Prunhiline swung her arms wide, aiming to engulf the man in a bear hug. Baker stepped into her embrace, squatted, grabbed the giant¡¯s legs, and swept them out from under her. Baker stepped back into a defensive stance as the tall woman landed flat on her back.


    ¡°Yes!¡± Prunhiline shouted once more. She stood up laughing as though she enjoyed herself despite being easily beaten.


    ¡°Once more,¡± Baker said.


    ¡°One more time!¡± Prunhiline stepped back into a fighting stance with her right foot behind her and her left foot in front. She held her left hand forward, her right slightly behind it. She approached the instructor with more care this time. Prunhiline started with a left jab but pulled back, following it up with a wide, right-foot roundhouse kick. It was so fast that the blonde woman couldn¡¯t believe what she saw or didn¡¯t see. Baker had snatched Prunhiline¡¯s leg mid-air and thrown her again!


    Finding herself flying through the air, Prunhiline was thrilled. She was enjoying the fight. The instructor was a worthy opponent. She landed hard on her back yet again but stood and bowed to Baker.


    ¡°Thank you, sir. I¡¯m looking forward to learning all I can from you,¡± Prunhiline said earnestly.


    ¡°Back in line, Prunhiline,¡± Baker barked. Prunhiline quickly stepped back behind the other students.


    ¡°Any other questions?¡± Baker shouted.


    ¡°Sir?¡± The blonde woman raised her hand hesitantly.


    Baker looked hard at her. ¡°Lady Britina has the floor,¡± he said, motioning to the mats.


    ¡°Oh, no, sir. Just a question,¡± Lady Britina said nervously.


    ¡°Questions are taken on the mat, my lady,¡± Baker replied, the term "my lady" carrying no warmth.


    Lady Britina reluctantly stepped onto the mat. ¡°I understand the need for hand-to-hand combat, but doesn¡¯t magic negate most of the need for it?¡±


    ¡°Does it?¡± Baker retorted. ¡°I take it the lady is a mage?¡±


    ¡°No, sir. I¡¯m just a learner. But if a mage is ready, why would hand-to-hand combat be necessary?¡± Britina asked timidly. She was afraid he might demonstrate instead of answering with a simple explanation.


    ¡°Well, what spells do you think would be useful against an unarmed foe?¡± Baker asked, almost gently.


    ¡°Well, a simple fireball or freeze spell,¡± Britina replied.


    ¡°Simple?¡± Baker laughed. ¡°If it¡¯s that simple, then you can show me.¡±


    ¡°Oh no, sir!¡± Britina raised her hands in alarm. She heard a snort from the giant, which aggravated her. ¡°I was just wondering.¡±


    ¡°And I¡¯m happy to instruct with a more practical lesson.¡± Baker¡¯s tone hardened, and the students started giggling. Prunhiline laughed the loudest. ¡°Prepare yourself!¡±


    The command startled Lady Britina into action. She held up her hands and ignited her magic. She didn¡¯t want to hurt the man, but she was terrified of what might happen. She twisted her hands as she had practiced and began chanting the words of magic.


    Before she could finish, the room spun around her. She screamed as she found herself flying through the air. She hadn¡¯t even seen him move; he was so fast. The mat softened her landing somewhat, but the shock remained. Britina lay there, staring at the ceiling.


    ¡°Would you like to see that again?¡± Baker asked.Enjoying the story? Show your support by reading it on the official site.


    The students all yelled, ¡°Yes!¡± Prunhiline¡¯s voice boomed above the rest.


    ¡°No,¡± Britina groaned, still lying on the mat.


    ¡°Stand, my lady!¡± Baker ordered.


    Britina grudgingly stood with a frown. She was starting to dread this class. Baker began a slow advance toward her. She raised her hands and started her spell again. Concentrating on him staring her down and advancing so quickly was hard. Panicking, she released her spell, but Baker moved faster, slapping her hands downward. The energy fizzled, and Britina found her legs frozen in place.


    The students cheered, Prunhiline cheering the loudest.


    ¡°My apologies, my lady,¡± Baker said more softly. ¡°But you must understand, you won¡¯t always have time to cast a spell.¡±


    Britina nodded, her face burning with embarrassment. She wanted to be an adventurer but had never shared that dream with anyone, especially her parents.


    The lesson became more structured after that. Baker demonstrated techniques, and the students paired off to practice. In the end, a mock trial combat was held. To Britina¡¯s dismay, she was paired with the much taller Prunhiline.


    ¡°Ready?¡± Prunhiline asked, stepping flawlessly into the defensive stance they had been taught.


    Britina mimicked the stance, though she kept a bit more distance than she should have. ¡°Yes,¡± she said meekly.


    ¡°Hey,¡± Prunhiline whispered. ¡°Step back with your right foot and turn your left forward slightly.¡±


    Britina glared at the giant but did as instructed. Prunhiline began slowly, punching as Britina blocked and then swapped roles. Britina punched while Prunhiline blocked.


    ¡°Keep your left hand up more, even when punching,¡± Prunhiline whispered again.


    Though the instruction annoyed Britina, she appreciated the help. Baker eventually shouted for the class to stop. The students turned to him and bowed, signaling the end of the first session. Britina was bruised, sore, and discouraged. She had come to the university expecting to love it, but now she wondered if she would hate it. What annoyed her most was that Prunhiline seemed to have enjoyed herself immensely.


    Prunhiline was thrilled. Her first class had been all about combat, which was her favorite subject. Her next class, though less action-packed, was a literary course. As luck would have it, she and the short blonde woman walked in the same direction.


    ¡°Hey!¡± Prunhiline called out.


    The blonde turned. ¡°Yes?¡± she asked coldly, though the giant catching up with her undermined the effect.


    ¡°I¡¯m Prunhiline of the Plains,¡± Prunhiline said. She remembered her father¡¯s advice not to lead with her full title unless the moment called for it.


    ¡°I know,¡± Britina replied, sighing. ¡°I¡¯m Lady Britina.¡±


    ¡°Yeah, that was sweet how you tried to use magic on Baker. He knows what he¡¯s doing,¡± Prunhiline said, falling into step with Britina.


    ¡°Yes, he does. That¡¯s why I wanted to take his class. I know my magic won¡¯t always be enough,¡± Britina admitted.


    ¡°Yup. My people are known for our fighting skills, but I knew Baker was going to kick my butt,¡± Prunhiline said cheerfully.


    To Britina¡¯s relief, they arrived at their next class, and to her dismay, Prunhiline sat beside her. Luckily, the session was a lecture with no physical activity involved. Afterward, Britina managed to escape into the crowd of students. Prunhiline, being so tall, stood out too much to blend in, while Britina used her small stature to her advantage.


    Much to her delight, the rest of Britina¡¯s day passed without seeing Prunhiline. After her classes, she returned to the dorms. She appreciated that each student had a private room. After stashing her belongings in her room, she headed to the common area.


    ¡°Britina!¡± a loud voice boomed, silencing the chatter of other students.


    Britina cringed. She wasn¡¯t happy to find that Prunhiline lived in the same dorm. Escape seemed impossible. Resigning herself, she waved weakly.


    Prunhiline strode over. ¡°Hey, I was wondering if you wanted to grab a quick bite to eat. I¡¯ve got something I need to ask you.¡±


    ¡°That¡¯s nice, but I¡¯m not interested. Studies take priority over relationships,¡± Britina said curtly, hoping to end the conversation swiftly.


    ¡°Wait, like a friendship relationship or a relationship relationship?¡± Prunhiline asked, genuinely confused.


    What is she five, Britina thought. ¡°Yes, relationship, relationship,¡± Britina said, already exhausted from the conversation.


    ¡°Oh, good. I¡¯m not into that relationship relationship, but I  need your help. Magic¡¯s your thing, right?¡± Prunhiline asked.


    ¡°Um, yes. It¡¯s my thing,¡± Britina said, her curiosity piqued. ¡°Fine. Let¡¯s talk.¡±


    The two grabbed meals from the dorm chef and sat at an empty table. Even sitting, Prunhiline dwarfed everyone around her. While Britina ate neatly, Prunhiline attacked her meal with vigor.


    ¡°So, first, I¡¯m Prunhiline of the Plains. I¡¯ve come here to learn to be an adventurer,¡± Prunhiline began.


    ¡°I know who you are. We introduced ourselves earlier,¡± Britina said. ¡°As you know, I¡¯m Lady Britina.¡± She left it at that, still wary of giving too much information. ¡°I''m here to learn more about magic since it''s my thing. What¡¯s your question?¡±


    ¡°How long does it take you to cast a spell? Baker gave you a moment, but he was so fast you couldn¡¯t fire anything off,¡± Prunhiline asked.


    ¡°That was embarrassing. Well, I have to gather energy and recite the words to focus the spell,¡± Britina explained. ¡°It takes about thirty seconds.¡±


    ¡°Can you cast faster?¡± Prunhiline asked.


    ¡°Maybe. I don¡¯t know for sure,¡± Britina admitted.


    ¡°Do all magic users¡¯ hands glow?¡± Prunhiline asked.


    ¡°Well, no. Eyes and hands primarily.¡± Britina said, ¡°Why?¡±


    ¡°Well, if I¡¯m fighting a magic user, it¡¯d be good to know if they¡¯re ¡®charged up¡¯ or not,¡± Prunhiline said between bites.


    ¡°I suppose that would be useful,¡± Britina agreed. ¡°If you knew they were ¡®charged up,¡¯ you could change your strategy.¡±


    ¡°Exactly!¡± Prunhiline said, stabbing a piece of meat with her fork. ¡°So why are you in hand-to-hand combat class?¡±


    ¡°Because magic might not always be an option. If I¡¯m not ¡®charged up,¡¯ I need to protect myself,¡± Britina said.


    ¡°Fair point. But why would you be attacked? Wouldn¡¯t you be in a tower or something?¡± Prunhiline then whispered conspiratorially, ¡°Or are you going rogue?¡±


    ¡°Rogue? No!¡± Britina hesitated. Should she tell her? After a brief pause, she admitted, ¡°I want to be an adventurer.¡±


    ¡°Really? Sweet! We should team up!¡± Prunhiline said excitedly.


    ¡°Uh, no,¡± Britina replied quickly.


    ¡°Why not?¡± Prunhlin asked, disappointed, ¡°I mean, you throw the magic, and I¡¯m a warrior. We could make a great team.¡±


    ¡°Uh.¡± Britain didn¡¯t have a good answer. She hoped to meet other university adventurers and maybe join in quests. ¡°Maybe.¡±


    ¡°Okay, deal! I¡¯ll take a maybe,¡± Prunhiline said with a grin. ¡°So, where are you from?¡±


    ¡°The coastal cities,¡± Britina said cautiously. She didn''t want to give the giant too much information about herself.


    ¡°I¡¯ve never seen the ocean. I¡¯ll make it there one day,¡± Prunhiline said dreamily.


    ¡°We don¡¯t see many... giants like you where I¡¯m from. You¡¯d definitely stand out,¡± Britina said.


    ¡°Giant? I¡¯m not a giant. I¡¯m human.¡± Prunhline said, shocked.


    ¡°Human? But you are so,¡± Britina gestured, ¡°tall.¡±


    ¡°Yeah, we are all tall. I¡¯m not the tallest in my village, but I''m close.¡± Prunhiline said proudly.  ¡°Giants are much bigger than me.¡±


    ¡°Yes. I thought you were a short giant,¡± Britina admitted.


    Prunhiline laughed. ¡°Short giant! I like that.¡±


    Despite herself, Britina smiled at her peculiar companion.


    ----


    ¡°Did you become friends after that?¡± the Mother Spider asked. Both women jumped, startled by her sudden appearance. Even the great hunter Prunhiline was caught off guard. Maybe Randle had a reason to be worried about silent giant spiders.


    Britina looked down at her shoes. ¡°No. We didn¡¯t become good friends until my first big heartbreak. Prunhiline was there for me.¡±


    Prunhiline nodded. ¡°Now we¡¯re best friends.¡±


    ¡°And married,¡± Britina added flatly. It was Prunhiline¡¯s turn to look down in embarrassment.


    ¡°Ah. That sounds like an interesting story for another day,¡± said the Mother Spider. ¡°But that will have to wait. Since you did me a favor, it¡¯s time for me to help you. Follow me.¡±

 Chapter 27 - Finding The Prince

    The giant spider turned and vanished into the forest. As Britina and Prunhiline followed, the skittering noises from the smaller spiders sounded oddly like applause.


    As they walked, the warrior gripped the handle of her war hammer, while the mage kept a small charge of magic ready. In the forest''s dense darkness, Britina¡¯s eyes glowed faintly blue. If the Mother Spider noticed, she showed no concern.


    The two women lost sight of the Mother Spider in the shadows. Quickening their pace to catch up, they abruptly emerged into a large clearing where the moonlight¡¯s brightness momentarily blinded them.


    The first warning came as a low, unsettling sound, countless feet scraping against the ground. The horrifying sight became clear as their vision adjusted: a zombie horde.


    Britina lowered her arms, palms outward, and tilted her head back as she summoned a massive surge of power. Her entire body glowed blue. While most mages relied on slow, steady charging, Prunhiline¡¯s training had taught Britina to master quick, explosive surges. She braced herself for combat.


    Prunhiline swung her war hammer from her back, twisting her body into a practiced defensive stance: right foot back, left foot forward. She braced herself for the first wave of attackers, knowing Britina¡¯s spell would bring the fire. Heat would soon engulf the clearing, but Prunhiline was ready.


    Britina focused her gaze beyond the warrior, her lips moving as she cast the spell. Heat surged within her, rising rapidly. This wasn¡¯t a precise attack but a devastating spell meant to engulf the entire clearing. They could handle any remaining undead afterward. Britina¡¯s glowing blue eyes widened as she prepared to unleash the power. But¡­


    ¡°Stop!¡± a voice shouted from the horde. A young dwarf emerged, breaking through the undead ranks, frantically waving his arms.


    Britina¡¯s heart sank as she realized the living dwarf was directly in her spell¡¯s path; he wouldn¡¯t survive. Dropping to one knee, she redirected the energy while Prunhiline rolled to the left. The fireball soared harmlessly overhead, singeing nearby trees but sparing everyone.


    Britina had once thought Prunhiline was crazy for drilling her on last-second spell diversions. Now, she was grateful for it. But the effort had drained her, leaving them vulnerable to the zombie''s attack. The edges of her vision darkened as exhaustion overwhelmed her. She couldn¡¯t hold on.


    ¡°Bri!¡± Prunhiline shouted as the mage collapsed. Dropping her war hammer, she caught Britina just in time, settling her gently across her legs. With her hammer out of reach, she drew her daggers, ready for a fight. A grim thought flickered through her mind: Britina and Prunhiline¡¯s Zombie Adventures. She smirked. If this was the end, at least she¡¯d go down with her best friend and wife, partners in death.


    The dwarf had been knocked from his feet. He looked up to see the mage lying across the giant woman¡¯s legs and the giant woman holding what appeared to him to be two swords. He could tell they were swords, but in her hands, they appeared to be daggers. He slowly climbed to his feet.


    Throwing out his hands, he yelled, ¡°Stop!¡± The zombie horde didn¡¯t move, and it hadn¡¯t moved at all. Prunhlinie realized he was ordering her to stop (as if).


    ¡°Who are you?¡± Prunhiline yelled across the clearing.


    ¡°I¡¯m a friend.¡± The dwarf said.


    Prunhiline responded with a loud, wet raspberry.  The dwarf was slightly taken aback by this. ¡°Try again!¡± yelled Prunhiline.The author''s narrative has been misappropriated; report any instances of this story on Amazon.


    Britina began to stir and mumble. She would regain consciousness, and then the two would wreak havoc. Prunhiline smiled at the thought of havoc¡ªone of her favorite words.


    ¡°I am Prince Darren of the Dwarven Kingdom of Nagitha.¡± The dwarf shouted. He stood a bit taller after saying his name. Or at least tall for a dwarf.


    Britina started to push herself off of the warrior.  ¡°What,¡± she mumbled.  She rolled to a sitting position on Prunhiline''s left. ¡°What happened.¡±  The mage looked up and tried to focus her eyes.  She could see a shape walking toward them. She couldn¡¯t concentrate enough to see more details, but words kept nagging her pounding head.  It snapped into focus: ZOMBIE! Britina reacted without thinking. Power surged through her hands, and she swept them forward, shooting a fireball at the oncoming zombie. In her haze, she could see she hit the abomination square in the chest, knocking it off its rotting feet.


    ¡°Whoa, good shot, Bri.  I bet the prince is out cold now.¡± Prunhiline said, getting to her feet.


    Prunhlilne¡¯s words swept the fog away from Britina¡¯s mind.  She was now looking at a zombie horde standing still in front of her and a dwarf lying flat on his back.  He appeared to be smoking.


    ¡°Oh shit!¡± Britina yelled, trying to climb to her feet.


    Prunhilne grabbed her under her arms and helped her up. ¡°Language, my lady.¡± Prunhiline hissed with enjoyment. It was one of the few times she had ever called the mage my lady.


    Britina looked up at the warrior. ¡°Do you know who that is?¡± She pointed at the smoldering, passed-out dwarf. ¡°That¡¯s the prince.¡±


    ¡°Yeah, that¡¯s what he was telling me,¡± Prunhiline smirked down at her companion.


    ¡°Did I kill him?¡± Britina eyes were wide.  Great, with all that happened, they assassinated a prince while trying to rescue him. It would be on par with their adventure so far.


    ¡°Nah, that wasn¡¯t enough to do serious harm.  Good thing you were still stunned, or you would have fried him.¡± Prunhiline said over her shoulder as she walked toward the now unconscious prince.  Britina quickly caught up with her.


    They both stared down at the prince.  He looked fine.  They could see him breathing. His beard was in bad shape, and he had lost his eyebrows. They knew that would be a problem, but at least he was still alive.  The two looked at each other.


    ¡°Mission accomplished,¡± Prunhiline shrugged and reached to pick up the prince.


    ¡°Get away from my boyfriend!¡± Came a shout from the zombie horde.


    The two shocked women looked up to see another dwarf walk through the zombies. They both thought maybe these weren¡¯t zombies but some weird statues.  Prunhiline stood up and watched as the new dwarf ran towards them.


    ¡°What?¡± Britina said. She was still foggy from passing out.


    The female dwarf fell to her knees and began to check on the prince. The two adventures felt awkward that they weren¡¯t as concerned as she was.


    ¡°He¡¯s breathing.¡± The female dwarf announced.  She looked up and said a word. Well, it sounded like a word, but it wasn¡¯t. The noise was a cross between a bear and a moose with a goose squawk. One of the zombies, yes, they really were zombies, began a slow shuffle towards them.


    Prunhiline reached for her war hammer only to remember that she had left it at the edge of the clearing.  She then grabbed her daggers. It was stabby-stab time.  Britina, still trying to regain her full focus, gathered a small amount of energy.  She didn¡¯t want to have another incident like before.


    The female dwarf looked up at the two.  ¡°That¡¯s Brian. Don¡¯t hurt him.¡± She stood up and said to Brian, ¡°Take Darren to the temple and put him in our tent, please.¡±


    ¡°Wait,¡± Britina said, holding up her hands, ¡°You''re a necromancer?¡± This was starting to make sense: the zombies, the kidnapped prince.


    ¡°I¡¯m not a necromancer.¡± The dwarf said as Brian finally made it to the prince.  It slowly bent down, picked him up, and began the slow walk back the way it had come.


    ¡°You hang out with and command zombies, lady,¡± Prunhiline said. She didn''t know what to do with her daggers. She hated when she had the dilemma of stab or not to stab.  She liked the stabbing part.


    ¡°Well, yes. They help me.¡± The female dwarf turned to the two adventures. ¡°I¡¯m Brianna; I¡¯m an archaeologist. Well, I¡¯m actually a Necro-archaeologist.¡±


    ¡°A what?¡± Prunhiline blinked a few times. Now, they have to deal with a dwarf with a vocabulary.


    ¡°I¡¯m not aware of what that is either,¡± Britina said. She didn¡¯t think she would need a dictionary on this adventure.


    ¡°I¡¯m technically a necromancer. I can communicate with and raise the dead.¡± Brianna said, then rolled her eyes. ¡°It¡¯s terrible, and I hate it. I¡¯m an archaeologist.¡± Britina turned and began to walk toward the zombie horde. Britina began to follow her with an uneasy gaze at the zombies.


    Prunhiline ran back to grab her favorite war hammer and quickly caught up with the other two.  A single stride for the warrior was several for both the dwarf and the human.

 Chapter 28: What鈥檚 a Necro-archaeologist?

    ¡°Don¡¯t worry about my helpers.¡± Brianna gestured to the zombies with a reassuring smile. ¡°They¡¯re friendly, though I know it sounds strange.¡±


    ¡°Yes, well, we¡¯ve met peaceful vegetarian zombies before,¡± Britina said, rubbing her temples to ease her massive headache.


    "A vegetarian zombie? Was his name Jerald?" Brianna asked, eyebrows raising in surprise.


    "Yes!" Britina exclaimed while Prunhiline crossed her arms with an exasperated huff.


    ¡°I know him; I interviewed him for a paper I did at the university,¡± Brianna said. As they passed, the zombies never moved.


    ¡°What are they doing?¡± Purnhilin asked.


    ¡°Resting. They get breaks just like everyone else.¡± Brianna explained casually.


    ¡°I¡¯m so confused,¡± Prunhiline admitted, glancing at Britina, who nodded in agreement.


    The dense forest thinned as the trio emerged at its edge. Before them lay a sprawling ruined city dominated by a massive temple. Nearby, Brian was still carrying the Prince.


    ¡°This is why I¡¯m here, to investigate these ruins.¡± She halted, gazing at the temple in awe. ¡°They predate the dwarven kingdoms. Even the oldest architecture in Nagitha is young compared to this.¡±


    ¡°Okay, so why the zombies,¡± Britina asked.


    ¡°I found them there.¡± Britina pointed at the temple. ¡°They were slaves.¡±


    ¡°So, even in death, they remain enslaved?¡± Britina hissed, her disdain for necromancers clear.


    Britina didn¡¯t like necromancers. They had one in the dorm while they were in university. She was so disgustingly chipper all the time. She said she knew what death was and didn¡¯t mind it. Britina shivered.


    ¡°No!¡± Brianna exclaimed, her face pale with horror. ¡°I would never do that! I commune with the dead and ask them if they want to join me.  Some do, some don¡¯t, and the ones that do help me. The ones that don¡¯t, we move them to a place of resting not far from here.¡±


    ¡°You re-bury them?¡± Prunhiline asked her tone a mix of curiosity and skepticism.


    ¡°Well, no. They were sacrificed, so they were never buried. We give the ones that don¡¯t want to help a proper burial.¡± Brianna said.


    ¡°That¡¯s... surprisingly noble of you,¡± Britina said, her voice softening slightly.


    ¡°Thank you, and it¡¯s just creepy having dead bodies lying around,¡± Brianna said. The two adventures looked at each other and didn¡¯t know how to respond. ¡°Besides,¡± Brianna continued, ¡°I want to understand this place.¡±


    ¡°Like, why are there fairly complete corpses in a city that is older than the dwarven kingdom?¡± Britina asked, now becoming worried again.


    Prunhiline looked at her companion, ¡±That¡¯s true. There shouldn¡¯t be much left of them. Decomposition would have left their bones to dust.¡±


    Brianna stopped walking, standing still for several moments before whispering, ¡°I don¡¯t know. And that¡¯s what worries me. None of them know how they died or how they got here. I assume they were slaves, but to be honest, I don¡¯t know. That¡¯s why I want to investigate this place. Something is going on here.¡±


    ¡°There is a strong magic here.¡± Britina said, ¡°Maybe we can help.¡±  Prunhiline looked to her companion and then nodded.  ¡°Now, what about the missing prince?¡± Britina stared at the back of Brianna¡¯s head.


    Brianna kicked a pebble. ¡°Uh¡­¡±


    ¡°Why did you abduct him?¡± Britina was unsure how she felt about Brianna, the not necromancer.


    Brianna turned quickly, ¡°I didn¡¯t abduct him.  He came here looking for me. I told him he had to go back, but the fool won¡¯t listen. His father..¡± She stopped. ¡°Never mind.¡± She turned and began a fast pace, ¡°We should check on him and make sure YOUR fireball didn¡¯t do any harm.¡±


    They found the Prince awake and sitting in a large tent.  Brianna ran to him and kissed him. She began to check him over.


    ¡°Awk, I¡¯m fine. It was just a bit of a fireball, that¡¯s all.¡± Darren said.This book is hosted on another platform. Read the official version and support the author''s work.


    ¡°How ya doing, prince?¡± Prunhiline asked.


    ¡°Burnt,¡± Darren said.


    ¡°Your majesty, I apologize for the incident.¡± Britina bowed.


    ¡°It¡¯s okay. It was an accident.¡± Darren said, eyeing the two adventures. ¡°I take it my father sent you?¡±


    ¡°Yes,¡± Britina said.


    ¡°I¡¯m not going,¡± Darren said firmly.


    ¡°Look, I get it. Your father wants you to rule, and you don¡¯t want to.¡± Prunhiline said. ¡°It¡¯s a classic issue, but I¡¯m sure we can help you.¡±


    ¡°Wait?¡± Prince Darren said, ¡°I¡¯m seventh in line for the throne. My oldest sister is in line for the thrown. If not her, I¡¯ve still got two older brothers and three older sisters for that.¡±


    ¡°Oh, I understand. Your father disapproves of you and Brianna.¡± Britina said, nodding with understanding.


    ¡°What? Your father doesn¡¯t like me?¡± Brianna shouted.


    Prince Darren held up his hands, ¡°No! That¡¯s not it. He hasn¡¯t even met you yet, remember.¡±


    ¡°Well, then, what is it?¡± Prunhiline asked with some impatience.


    ¡°Well, you see,¡± The Prince looked down at his feet and kicked the ground with his boot, ¡°I um.¡± He mumbled something.


    ¡°Go on, tell them! It¡¯s nothing to be ashamed of.¡± Brianna said with a bit of a smirk.


    ¡°Well,¡± the Prince began again and mumbled a little louder.


    Prunhiline was shocked as Britina was still working out what he said.


    ¡°No!¡± Shouted the warrior, ¡°NO!¡± she shouted some more, ¡°NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!¡±


    ¡°What?!?¡± shouted Britina.


    ¡°He, he.¡± Prunhiline pointed at the Prince, ¡°No! No, it can¡¯t be!¡±


    ¡°Yes, I¡¯m afraid it is.¡± The Prince looked down at his feet, blushing with embarrassment. ¡°I don¡¯t like beer.¡±


    ¡°NOOOOOO!!!¡± Screamed Prunhiline.


    ¡°What?¡± Britina said. ¡°So? I don¡¯t like beer either.¡±


    ¡°And you are my wife!¡± Prunhiline shouted. Then, with wide eyes, she cast her eyes down to stare at the Prince¡¯s boots. Britina¡¯s glare said enough. ¡°Sorry,¡± Prunhiline whispered, ¡°I got caught up in the drama.¡±


    ¡°Fine.¡± Britina turned her attention to the Prince, ¡°So?¡±


    ¡°You see, in my family, every royal is expected to create their own unique beer. My older sister made an after-dinner dessert beer. It was a hit. My father made a bold beer that made the warriors fight harder. I don¡¯t like beer and don¡¯t want to make any.¡± The Prince said.


    ¡°It¡¯s a silly tradition. It¡¯s the royalty line of beer.¡± Brianna said. ¡°It¡¯s silly, and they shouldn¡¯t expect you to do something like that.¡±


    ¡°Well, I did make a rather nice blend of herbal tea,¡± Darren said almost sheepishly.


    ¡°NOOOOO!!!¡± Prunhiline wailed dramatically.


    ¡°Oh, shut up!¡± Britina laughed. ¡°You are getting out of hand.¡± She turned back to the Prince, ¡°I enjoy a good tea. Could I try it sometime?¡±


    ¡°Well, yes.  How about a cup now?¡± Darren said.


    Darren left the tent and began work on the kettle while the three women watched.


    Britina reached up and slapped Prunhiline on the arm, ¡°Drama queen.¡± The three giggled.  They left the tent to sit around the campfire with Darren.


    Once the tea was ready, Darren poured four cups.  He passed out one to each of the ladies.  Prunhiline wrinkled her nose at it. She didn¡¯t like tea. Maybe beer-flavored tea would be okay, but only slightly okay.


    Britina inhaled the aroma of the tea, ¡°This smells wonderful.¡± She took a sip and gasped, ¡°This is delicious! I love the mixtures of herbs. It¡¯s like I¡¯m drinking a bouquet.¡±


    Prunhiline took a sip, looked down with wide eyes, and took another sip, ¡°This is pretty good for tea. Kinda reminds me of the plains.¡± She tilted her head back and gulped the tea down. Britina sighed.


    ¡°So, you, too, are married?¡± Darren asked.


    ¡°Yes,¡± Britina said flatly.


    ¡°Ah, well, uh.¡± Brianna was at a loss for words.


    ¡°It¡¯s my fault,¡± Prunhiline said, staring into her empty cup.


    ¡°Not entirely, but mostly,¡± Britina said, elbowing her wife.


    ¡°How?¡± Darren asked, tilting his head.


    ¡°Well, we went on an unofficial mission while still students. Let¡¯s call it extra credit,¡± Britina said.


    ¡°Yeah, and we¡­¡± Prunhiline was interrupted by one of the zombies.


    It spoke what appeared to be words, but neither the mage nor the warrior understood it. Brianna did.  She jumped to her feet and grabbed her axe.  Darren did likewise.  The two adventures blinked, and then one grabbed a war hammer, and the other readied a spell.


    ¡°What¡¯s wrong?¡± Darren asked, his tone alarmed as he followed Brianna.


    ¡°We have intruders. They are making a mess at the temple entrance.  We need to stop them before they damage any of the artifacts.¡±  Brianna said as she began to run off.


    Darren, Prunhiline, and Britina ran after Brianna.  She was quick on her feet. They raced from the tents to the main road that led to the temple in the middle of the city.  They arrived to see¡­


    ¡°Bob!¡± Prunhiline shouted.


    ¡°Randle!¡± Britina shouted.


    The bear and the hunter stopped tossing zombies about to look at their two friends.  Prunhiline ran up to them, followed by Britina.


    ¡°Oh, I¡¯m glad you are safe.  We''ll make short work of these undead.¡± Randle said with an encouraging roar from Bob.


    ¡°No!¡± shouted Britina. ¡°They aren¡¯t a threat.¡±


    Randle stopped and gave Britina a stange look, ¡°What? They are undead.¡±


    ¡°Not all undead are bad.¡± Shouted Purnhiline.


    Even Bob gave a confused grunt and looked at the tall warrior. He didn¡¯t believe his ears, and neither did Randle.


    ¡°Stop! You are hurting my crew, and you are damaging the artifacts.¡± Shouted Brianna.


    Bob and Randle stopped. The zombies made their way slowly away from the bear.


    ¡°Explain?¡± Randle demanded, confusion etched across his face. The group quickly filled him in.


    ¡°So, you don¡¯t like beer?¡± Randle said.


    ¡°Is that what you took away from this?¡± Britina asked. Randle shrugged. ¡°Okay, we need to investigate the temple and take the prince back.¡±


    ¡°No!¡± Darren and Brianna said together.


    ¡°No to what?¡± Randle said.


    ¡°No to going back,¡± Darren said.


    ¡°I¡¯m with Britina on this.¡± Randle said, ¡°That temple could be a big problem. Also, Prince Darren, you need to talk to your father about the beer thing.¡±


    ¡°Oh? As if he¡¯d listen,¡± Darren said, slipping into a mock kingly voice, ¡°Oh, I¡¯m the king, and I love beer. Beer is the best, and all I need is more beer.¡±


    ¡°I agree with the King,¡± Prunhiline added with a chuckle. ¡°And, honestly, I could use more beer too.¡± She lowered her voice, ¡°But that tea was pretty good too.¡±


    Britina arched her eyebrow and looked at the others, ¡°Fine, let¡¯s investigate the temple and then discuss going back to the king later.¡±


    ¡°Agreed.¡± Prince Darren said.

 Chapter 29 - To the temple!

    As they made their way to the temple, Britina walked with Brianna.  ¡°Tell me more about the temple.¡±


    ¡°I don¡¯t know much yet.  It appears that the houses around the temple were built at the same time.  It was as if someone built the city to build the temple.¡± Brianna said.


    ¡°That makes sense if the temple was built for religious reasons.  Do you have clues about the culture?¡± Britina asked.


    ¡°Not much. Brian had the most intact memory but couldn''t tell me much.  The temple has no writing on it.  Even the homes lack any decorations or writing.¡± Brianna said, stretching her arms.


    ¡°Scrolls wouldn¡¯t last this long,¡± Britina said. ¡°Maybe everything¡¯s just gone.¡±


    ¡°I thought about that, but even the temple has no writing. I¡¯ve never heard of a religious site without at least some decoration. It¡¯s almost like it wasn¡¯t built to worship a god at all,¡± Brianna said.


    ¡°What did Brian tell you?¡± Britina was very curious about the temple.


    ¡°Only that he knows he didn¡¯t live here.  He was brought here by someone. And his job was to make sure that all the pillars and steps were perfectly aligned and uniform. He was very adamant about it.¡± Brianna said.


    ¡°Where is Brian?¡± Prunhiline asked.


    ¡°He¡¯s on break,¡± Darren said.


    ¡°Zombies get breaks now?¡± Randle asked, raising an eyebrow.


    ¡°Well, yes, I¡¯m not a monster,¡± Brianna said. ¡°They like to go into the one big clearing and stare."


    ¡°At?¡± Prunhiline asked.


    ¡°I..¡± Brianna started, ¡°I¡¯m not sure. It¡¯s like they''re dreaming.¡±


    The temple loomed in front of them.  It was roughly five hundred feet tall and eight hundred at its base. The pyramid-shaped temple had two large pillars approximately fifty feet tall that lined a broad path up the temple and to the main staircase that led to the flat top.


    ¡°Where did you find the corpses?¡± Britina asked.


    ¡°On either side of the great staircase are entrances to a large room under them. I found all of the corpses piled neatly there.¡± Brianna said.


    ¡°Neatly?¡± Randle asked.Stolen content warning: this content belongs on Royal Road. Report any occurrences.


    ¡°Yes, it was odd. Like they were being stored.  There is a sealed door that leads into the temple.¡± Brianna said.


    ¡°What''s in there?¡± Prunhiline was getting into the story.


    ¡°I don¡¯t know. I can¡¯t open it. The zombies won''t go near it.¡± Brianna said.  ¡°I feel like whatever is in there will answer many of our questions.¡±


    The companions walked down the wide path.  Britina inspected the pillars that lined the path.  Brianna was correct; the pillars were smooth and had no decorations.  They stopped at the grand staircase.


    ¡°Up or inside?¡± Britina asked.


    ¡°Inside. I¡¯m assuming the top was used for sacrifices.¡± Brianna said. Britina nodded in agreement.


    They entered the temple. Most of the corpses were gone, but about twenty remained. Prunhiline swung her war hammer down to her side. She wasn¡¯t going to get caught unprepared.


    ¡°I was still communicating with the dead when you arrived.  It takes a lot out of me to reanimate a zombie. So, we still have some left to do.¡± Brianna said.


    Everyone and the bear stood before the sealed door.  It was round and stood about twenty feet tall. It had no markings of any kind.


    ¡°There is a strange magic here,¡± Britina said.


    ¡°I felt it too, but it feels familiar,¡± Brianna said.


    ¡°So, how do we open it?¡± Prunhiline asked.


    ¡°Not sure,¡± Britina said.


    ¡°I could try to break it open.¡± Prunhiline offered with some enthusiasm.


    ¡°I would like that to be the last resort. I don¡¯t want to damage any of the artifacts that could be behind it.¡± Brianna said.


    ¡°Fine,¡± Prunhiline said, kicking the dirt with her boot.


    ¡°Let me cast some spells,¡± Britina said.  She closed her eyes and began to chant an identification spell.  She glowed slightly blue with power as she did.  Suddenly, she opened her eyes and gasped. Everyone stared at her in concern. ¡°It¡¯s locked with a simple spell. I should be able to undo it.¡±


    ¡°Ok, ready when you are, Bri,¡± Prunhiline said as she dropped into a defensive stand.  Randle, Brianna, and Darren drew their respective weapons. Bob stood up on his hind legs.


    ¡°Here goes,¡± Britina said. She began to chant, and the door creaked, knocking dust and dirt from it. Slowly, the great door started to move. It rolled to the right of the doorway. Behind the door was darkness.


    ¡°Light!¡± Britina said, holding up her hand. A floating orb appeared and hovered above her.


    ¡°First,¡± Prunhiline said firmly, stepping into the tomb. Randle followed, with Britina, Darren, and Brianna reluctantly bringing up the rear.


    The room was bare except for a giant sarcophagus.  It dominated the room. It was easily seven feet long and five feet wide.  The rest of the room was dust and dirt.


    ¡°Should we open it?¡± Randle asked.


    ¡°Yes.¡± Brianna said, ¡°but carefully.¡±


    Prunhiline pushed one side, and Randle pushed the other, twisting the lid off the sarcophagus. It made an awful grating noise as it slid open.


    To the surprise of the company, they found stairs. The companions looked at each other.  Finally, Randle motioned Prunhiline to go first just in case there were giant spiders.


    They descended the staircase, leaving Bob as a guard, and found it went down several stories and ended with a door.  This, again, was a plain door roughly seven feet tall and five feet wide with no markings on it.  Britina spoke her spell.


    ¡°No enchantment. It¡¯s just a door.¡± Britina said.


    Prunhiline opened the door.  Randle had his bow ready. Darren stepped in front of Brianna to protect her. He had his battle ax ready.


    The companions stepped inside a large bedroom.  They could tell it was a bedroom from the massive bed on the opposite wall. There was what appeared to be a standing closet and a dresser.  There was even a desk.


    ¡°Maybe a king lived down here,¡± Brianna said.


    A deep, bone-chilling yawn echoed from the bed.

 Chapter 30 - Awe Crap!

    All attention was on the large bed. The yawn came again, this time with an eery popping noise.  The companions spread out into the room with their eyes on the bed.  There was a sigh and another yawn. Whatever it was, it was waking up.


    The thing in the bed raised up.  It was a tall man. His skin was pale and gaunt; he would have passed as a skeleton in the dark. His eyes had no pupils and glowed amaranth. He twisted his neck from one side to the other, causing a sickening creaking throughout the large bedroom.  He blinked a few times.


    ¡°Well, what year is it?¡± He said with a hollow voice.


    The companions looked at each other and then at Britina.  She shrugged and said, ¡°It¡¯s the fourth age of Elanor, year two thirty-one.¡±


    ¡°What¡¯s that?¡± The man asked, still stretching and causing the room to echo with creaks.


    ¡°What¡¯s what?¡± Britina asked.


    ¡°Elanor?¡± The man asked, shaking his body.


    ¡°Elanor, the warrior queen who defeated the wizard George Armar and brought peace to the realms,¡± Brianna interjected.


    ¡°Wizard George Armar?¡± The man said, ¡°Never heard of him.¡±


    ¡°What year do you last remember?¡± Brianna asked, stepping forward into the room. She was excited to speak to someone who lived before the current age (not many of those still around).


    ¡°It was the Moon Solstice," the man said, his glowing eyes never blinking.


    "That doesn''t really tell us much," Britina said. "Do you remember any large event, an earthquake, volcano, something?"


    "Um, let me see, uh, we had the great rocks fall from the sky, bringing the vermin. That was, I don¡¯t know, a hundred years before I slept.¡± The man said.


    ¡°Wow, you mean the cataclysm that brought the humans? That would be before the great ages?¡± Brianna had dropped her weapon to her side and was excited.  ¡°I¡¯m Brianna, necro-archeologist. I would love to interview you.¡±


    ¡°Necro, what? Nevermind. Sure, I¡¯ll let you interview me.¡± The man swung his bony feet over the edge of the bed and strained his back, causing more of the sickening creaking.The tale has been stolen; if detected on Amazon, report the violation.


    ¡°Hold up, how can we understand him?¡± Randle asked. ¡°I mean, he¡¯s old, like really old.¡±


    ¡°Magic,¡± Prunhiline sighed, rolling her eyes.


    ¡°No, dear love. There isn¡¯t any magic causing this.¡± Britina said, now more worried.


    ¡°Oi, I can answer that.¡± The man said, ¡°I absorb language from sacrifices. When they die, they don¡¯t give me much else, but picking up the era¡¯s language is quite useful.¡±


    ¡°But the sacrifices are too old to know our language,¡± Brianna said.


    ¡°Not the new ones.¡± The man said as he rose to his full seven-foot height.


    The companions looked at each other. This interview wasn¡¯t going well.


    ¡°We didn''t find any new ones. All the ones we found were ancient,¡± Brianna said.


    ¡°Did you look inside the temple?¡± The man said, now doing side bends.


    ¡°What?¡± Brianna was surprised. "There is no way into the temple."


    "The door is at the top. Why do you think we built the big staircase?" The man said, still stretching.


    "Oh," Brianna whispered.


    ¡°The oldest go out every few decades and collect newer corpses, storing them until I need them.¡± The man switched to standing hamstring stretches.


    ¡°Need them for what?¡± Britina asked, dreading the answer.


    ¡°For my army,¡± the man said, beginning to do jumping jacks with unsettling enthusiasm.


    ¡°Your army? Who are you?¡± Brianna asked, also dreading the answer.


    The man stopped, gave them a big smile, and said, ¡°I¡¯m the Lich Lord, Lawrence.¡± He stood proud with his hands on his hips.


    ¡°Who?¡± Prunhiline asked. This deflated the Lich Lord''s ego.


    "What? Doesn''t anyone remember me?" The Lich Lord asked, discouraged, "I''m the one who stared the old ones down and defeated the elder god Olled to gain immortality. I am the original necromancer!" He swung his arms wide and proud.


    "Sorry, I''m afraid I''ve never heard of you," Britina said. Brianna nodded in agreement.


    Lich Lord Lawrence shook his head. ¡°It doesn¡¯t matter.  All will know my name. Once I raise my undead army and conquer the world.¡± The lich lord pointed up with his finger for dramatic effect, ¡°This will be the age of Lawrence.¡±


    The companions were shocked. The first to break was Prunhiline, as a giggle started to form. Britina and Randle couldn¡¯t keep their composure as they, too, began to snicker. Darren and Brianna looked at each other and then began to laugh.  This caused a ripple of laughter to roar up from the companions.


    ¡°Age of Lawrence!¡± Prunhiline howled with laughter.


    ¡°Stop laughing!¡± Lawrence bellowed, his voice cracking slightly.


    ¡°By the gods, I really thought we were in trouble,¡± Randle said between his deep laughs.


    Britina was the first to find her composure, ¡°Excuse me, Lich Lord Lawrence, but did you think about changing your name?¡± This caused the companions to lose their composure once more.


    ¡°Like maybe Buddy,¡± Prunhiline said with tears in her eyes. She said in a fake deep voice, ¡°I¡¯m Lich Lord Buddy, and this is the age of Buddy!¡± The companions howled with laughter.


    The Lich Lord stopped his bony foot and shouted, ¡°Stop laughing at me!¡±  He raised his hands and said something that few in the world could understand. A grating noise echoed throughout the entire temple.  This brought the companions out of their reverie and back to being serious.


    ¡°What¡¯s going on?¡± Prunhiline asked.


    ¡°I¡¯m releasing my army!¡± Lawrence shouted.


    Brianna gasped in horror, ¡°This is bad! I can feel so many undead being raised.¡±


    ¡°My preservation spells have kept them mostly intact. I have several thousands of undead at my command!¡± The Lich Lord shouted.


    ¡°Time to go!¡± Randle shouted.

 Chapter 31 - On the run

    The companions burst out of the Lich Lord¡¯s bedroom, only to find the passageway swarming with undead pouring in through newly opened doors. Bob the bear let out a ferocious roar and barreled through the crowd, carving a path for the group.


    ¡°Move!¡± Prunhiline shouted, keeping close behind Britina.


    Any zombies that recovered from being bowled over by Bob the Bear were knocked down by a member of the escaping party.


    Once outside, Britina gathered her energy. Prunhiline stepped aside, giving her space to act as they had practiced. A fireball, reminiscent of the one that had scorched the Prince, blasted down the hallway.


    ¡°That should slow them down,¡± Britina said as she turned and ran.


    ¡°We need to warn my father!¡± Darren yelled, urgency in his voice.


    ¡°Agreed!¡± Britina shouted back.


    The companions dashed back to the campsite, spotting zombies shambling toward it, their movements sluggish and strange. Something felt off.


    ¡°He stole my zombies from me!¡± Brianna cried, her voice trembling with shock.


    ¡°What?¡± Darral asked, stunned. ¡°How?¡±


    ¡°He¡¯s immensely strong. I can¡¯t communicate with them anymore.¡± Brianna sounded sad.


    ¡°Let¡¯s try not to hurt them if we can help it,¡± Britina said. Randle and Prunhline groaned in unison.


    Brian, the zombie, startled the group. He had already been waiting at the campsite when Lawrence awoke. With a low groan, he waved at Brianna.


    ¡°Brian!¡± Brianna exclaimed. ¡°Why aren¡¯t you under the Lich Lord¡¯s control?¡±Unauthorized use: this story is on Amazon without permission from the author. Report any sightings.


    Brian shrugged and shuffled over to Brianna, handing her a satchel and a water skin.


    ¡°My notes!¡± Brianna exclaimed, clutching the satchel. ¡°Thank you, Brian.¡±


    ¡°We need to go now!¡± Prunhiline urged.


    ¡°Brian, come with us.¡± Brianna pleaded.


    Brian shook his head, smiling faintly as he waved goodbye. Brianna understood; he¡¯d only slow them down and wasn¡¯t in any immediate danger. Slowly, Brian turned and shuffled off toward another part of town. Though curious about where he was headed, Brianna didn¡¯t have time to dwell on it. The group pressed toward the clearing and the chaotic mass of out-of-control zombies.


    ¡°Are all the zombies here?¡± Randle asked.


    ¡°Yes, I recalled all of them yesterday when they attacked Darren.¡± Brianna gestured to Prunhline and Britina.


    Britina gave Randle a smile and a shrug. Randle rolled his eyes knowingly.  The group followed Brianna, who seemed to know where she was going.  They soon found themselves in a familiar clearing, and the chattering started.


    ¡°What¡¯s the rush?¡± came the hiss of the Mother Spider as she descended from above. Randle shuddered visibly.


    ¡°Mother Spider, it¡¯s terrible,¡± Brianna said, her voice breaking as tears welled in her eyes. ¡°All the undead have been taken over.¡±


    ¡°By whom?¡± The Mother Spider asked.


    ¡°A Lich Lord,¡± Britina said, ¡°He appears to be very ancient.¡±


    ¡°Lawrence,¡± hissed the Mother Spider. The entire group froze.


    ¡°Um, yeah,¡± said Brianna, ¡°How did you know that name?¡±


    ¡°Long ago,¡± hissed the Mother Spider, ¡°I was his assistant.¡±  The group slowly switched stances, prepared to fight. ¡°I was not always a spider, but to escape him, I transferred my soul into one.¡± The Mother Spider was quiet for a moment. ¡°Did you find the scrolls?¡± She looked at Brianna.


    ¡°Yes, I¡¯ve got them all in my notes. I kept them safe and didn¡¯t touch them like you asked.¡± Brianna said, relaxing.


    ¡°Good. Those notes may hold a way to stop him,¡± the Mother Spider said, turning away. ¡°Now go. We will do our best to slow them down.¡± The Mother Spider chattered, and the other spiders began to emerge. Some were giant, like the Mother Spider.


    ¡°Thank you!¡± Brianna shouted as she and her companions hurried off.


    ¡°We need to hurry,¡± Prunhiline said, ¡°If we make it back to the Dwarven fortress, we could muster the soldiers to fight the zombies.¡±


    ¡°Dear love, you, I mean, we may have created a problem with that plan,¡± Britina said.


    ¡°Huh?¡± Prunhiline gave her a confused look.


    ¡°Dragon.¡± Britina said.


    ¡°Oh, right, that,¡± Prunhilne said, looking down at her boots.


    ¡°Dragon?¡± Darren asked.


    ¡°More running, we¡¯ll explain later,¡± Britina said.


    They made good time with Randle and Darren, who were familiar with the forest.  They found themselves on the main road. There, they took a break and gathered their wits.

 Chapter 32 - You? Again?

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    As the companions walked down the road, a loud voice called out, ¡°Ho ho!¡± Suddenly, men poured onto the road from all directions. ¡°We are Ralph¡¯s Roughnecks, and I¡¯m Ralp¡ªagghh!¡± Ralph barely had time to finish his introduction before recognizing Prunhiline and Britina. In the next moment, Bob, the bear, plopped down on him.


    Ralph¡¯s Roughnecks didn¡¯t know what to do. So they attacked. The thirty men found themselves facing off against Prunhiline, Britina, Randle, Prince Darren, and Brianna. The bandits were outmatched. After they were tossed about, knocked down, and humiliated, the bandits sat in a circle surrounded by their companions.  Ralph was still under the bear, who had gotten bored and decided to nap.


    ¡°I¡¯m gonna be honest; you guys are terrible at being bandits,¡± Prunhiline said, shaking her head in disappointment at how easily they were defeated again.


    ¡°Get me out of here!¡± Ralph yelled.


    ¡°Yo, Bob.¡± Randle whistled, and the bear rose, finally freeing Ralph.


    ¡°We don¡¯t have time for this nonsense,¡± Brianna said firmly. ¡°We need to warn the king.¡±


    ¡°Normally, I¡¯d suggest taking these men to my father for punishment, but Brianna¡¯s right; we need to move quickly,¡± Prince Darren added.You might be reading a pirated copy. Look for the official release to support the author.


    Ralph stood up, rubbing his arms. ¡°Why the hurry?¡± he asked.


    ¡°An ancient Lich Lord is raising a massive undead army. He¡¯ll likely target the dwarven fortress first,¡± Britina explained.


    ¡°Fine, if you don¡¯t want to tell me, at least don¡¯t make stuff up,¡± Ralph said, only to be smacked in the back of the head by Prunhiline. ¡°Hey, what was that for?¡±


    ¡°We¡¯re not lying,¡± Brianna said firmly. ¡°This monster is ancient and powerful.¡±


    ¡°Okay, fine. So it¡¯s an undead army; they don¡¯t move fast,¡± Ralph said. Then, as his eyes widened, he quickly added, ¡°I mean, you should definitely hurry. Like, really fast. We won¡¯t hold you up!¡±


    ¡°You know, he¡¯s got a point. The zombies we spied on moved pretty slow,¡± Randle said thoughtfully.


    Britina turned to Brianna. ¡°How long will it take them to reach the fortress?¡±


    ¡°Honestly? Four or five days if they don¡¯t stop.  I¡¯m guessing that Lawernce won¡¯t have mandatory rest periods,¡± Brianna replied.


    "Wait," Prunhiline interrupted, "why were we in such a rush?"


    Prince Darren laughed. ¡°I think we all got caught up in the excitement.¡±


    ¡°Still, four or five days isn¡¯t great, but it¡¯s not terrible either,¡± Britina said, her tone tinged with hope.


    ¡°What about them?¡± Darren asked, pointing at the bandits.


    ¡°I hate to say this, but leave them. They weren¡¯t much of a challenge any of the three times we beat them,¡± Britina said.


    ¡°One of those times, I was naked,¡± Prunhiline added with a hint of pride. The group exchanged confused glances while Ralph and his men stared at the ground in shame.


    ¡°That¡¯s a story for another time. We need to leave now,¡± Britina said, cutting off further discussion.


    Once the companions were out of earshot, Ralph shouted, ¡°Next time will be different!¡±


    Prunhiline¡¯s voice carried back, ¡°Sure it will!¡±

 Chapter 33 - To The King!

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    They returned to the first village Prunhilline and Britina had visited, where the villagers joyfully greeted the Prince. Once everything was explained, some of the skilled trackers of the village were dispatched to monitor the progress of the Lich Lord and his undead army.  The rest packed and started to relocate to the fortress.  A messenger was sent to warn the king.


    As they walked up the path to the fortress (yes, dear reader, the same one our heroes napped at), Prince Darren said, ¡°I¡¯m a little nervous about talking to my father. We didn¡¯t leave on the best of terms.¡±


    ¡°Darren, I¡¯m sure it will be fine,¡± Brianna said, patting him on the shoulder.


    ¡°Besides, don¡¯t you think your father has bigger things to worry about than tea?¡± Britina pointed out.


    ¡°Prince Darren!¡± Came a shout from the gates of the fortress.  One of the advisors to the king came running out to meet them.


    ¡°I have to speak to my father now!¡± Prince Darren said, ¡°The kingdom is in danger.¡±


    ¡°Of course, we got your news an hour ago." the advisor said, "Scouts brought news of a mass of undead horde coming this way.  They think they will be here in four days.¡±


    ¡°That¡¯s good news. It gives us time to prepare.¡± Britina said.


    ¡°Point me in the right direction; I¡¯m ready to fight.¡± Prunhiline swung her war hammer onto her shoulder and turned back to the forest.


    ¡°No, dear love, we have something more important to do right now. We need to study and research Brianna¡¯s notes.¡± Britina smiled with the joy of an academic.


    Brianna did a fist bump with Britina, ¡°Yes! Research!¡±


    Prunhiline tilted her head back, ¡°Research? Study!¡± She let out a mournful moan of a teenager being asked to take a bath. (Hello, Dear Reader, this is a shout-out to all the parents in the world, you know this sound well).


    ¡°Actually, ladies, I suggest a bath,¡± Prince Darren said, smoothing his rumpled beard.The narrative has been illicitly obtained; should you discover it on Amazon, report the violation.


    Brianna sniffed and nodded in agreement. Prunhiline dropped her war hammer and tilted her head back with another loud, mournful wail. The companions looked at Prunhiline, and even Bob, the bear, gave her a look of disdain. They were going to bathe, even the bear.


    Bathing at the Dwarven fortress was unlike anything Britina had experienced before. The lava pits were used not only for the most dangerous prisoners (hint, Prunhiline and Britina) but also to heat the baths. The entire bath was marbled with the finest stone carved not far from the fortress. The pleasant surprise to Prunhiline was that the bath at its deepest was enough for her to stand at her entire six foot seven inches and four-quarters height, and the water was up to her jaw. She didn¡¯t want Britina to know, but she didn¡¯t mind this bath; she didn¡¯t feel as confined as in other normal tubs. All that was missing was her toy duckies.


    ¡°Dear love, are you okay?¡± Britina called across the water, concerned by Prunhiline¡¯s sudden silence.


    ¡°Yeah,¡± Echoed the relaxed Prunhiline.


    Brianna cut in, ¡±I know I was supposed to leave them alone, but I couldn''t help myself. I translated all the scrolls. I don¡¯t remember Lawrence in them. The notes are mostly love poems, a recipe for something called Pumpkin Spice latte, whatever the hell that is. Nothing about a Lich Lord or undead.¡±


    Britina settled into one of the steps, slipping into the water up to her neck. She had her hair tied up. Brianna could have been talking to herself.  Britina had needed this bath since they left their home. In fact, she had started planning to enjoy her huge tub once she got home. Thinking of home made Britina feel guilty that she hadn''t been completely honest with her wife.


    ¡°Lady Britina?¡± Brianna interrupted Britina¡¯s daydreaming, ¡°Do you have any thoughts about this?¡±


    ¡°Yes, big tub with lots of hot water,¡± Britina murmured with a contented smile, her eyes drifting shut.


    ¡°Um, Lady Britina?¡± Brianna looked over at her companion, ¡±Britina?¡± Nothing was bringing Britina out of her daydreams, ¡°Britina!¡±. Her name shouted startled Britina, suddenly causing her to splash water while sitting up.


    ¡°Bri, you okay?¡± Prunhiline asked, standing before the two women.


    ¡°How did you get here so fast?¡± Brianna was now startled to have the giant warrior standing over her.


    ¡°You good?¡± Prunhiline asked again, ignoring Brianna.


    ¡°Yes, dear love, I got lost daydreaming about bathtubs, hot water, and home.¡± Britina blinked in embarrassment.


    ¡°Huh, sometimes you are weird, Bri,¡± Prunhline waded back to the deeper end of the spa.


    ¡°Your wife is a little overprotective,¡± Brianna smirked, ¡°So, uh, if you don¡¯t mind me asking..¡±


    ¡°How did we end up married by accident?¡± Britina interrupted. Brianna nodded. ¡°It was, uh, you see, we. Uh, it was by...¡± Britina shrugged.


    ¡°Accident?¡± Brianna added helpfully.


    ¡°Ladies!¡± Came a voice from the door.  It was one of the attendants, ¡°I apologize for interrupting, but the King would like an audience.¡±


    ¡°Well, time to see the king,¡± Britina rose from the warm water, quickly getting out of the conversation.  ¡°Prunhiline, bathtime is over.¡±


    ¡°Ah! I mean, yay! I hate baths.¡± Prunhiline didn¡¯t convince anyone.

 Chapter 34 - The War Room!

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    The three women entered the war room, Prunhiline immediately deciding she wanted one someday. Inside, a freshly groomed Randle, Bob, and Prince Darren were seated at a large octagonal table.


    ¡°I¡¯ve been reading your notes,¡± Darren said, flashing a broad smile at Brianna. ¡°They¡¯re excellent, but there¡¯s nothing about Lawrence or the undead. Also... what in the thirteen hells is a pumpkin spice latte? It sounds revolting.¡±


    ¡°I have no idea, and I don¡¯t want to know. It could be some kind of ancient poison made out of pumpkins.¡± Brianna sat beside Prince Darren and kissed him on his now neatly trimmed beard. The King coughed; Brianna sat up quickly and blushed.


    ¡°No kissing in the war room,¡± The King announced. Prunhiline giggled. ¡°No giggling in the war room!¡± he added, slamming his fist on the table. ¡°We need to know how to stop this Lich Lord Lawernce.¡± This made everyone giggle.  The King¡¯s face turned red, and he pounded the table with his fist. ¡°No giggling in the WAR ROOM!¡±


    ¡°Did you translate all of the scrolls?¡± Prince Darren asked, still grinning. Brianna nodded yes. ¡°Is this all of your notes?¡±


    ¡°Yes, Brian gave me everything I had.¡± Brianna sighed, thinking about Brian, the zombie. She hoped he was well.


    ¡°I think..¡± The King said.


    ¡°What if this pumpkin spice concoction is his weakness? Like Brianna said, a poison or something.¡± Prunhiline interjected. She didn¡¯t like poisons, but if it helped defeat this enemy, she was happy to make an exception.


    ¡°Well¡­¡± The King tried again.


    ¡°Maybe,¡± Britina looked through one of the notebooks, ¡±It could be a powerful spell.¡±


    ¡°I would¡­¡± The King¡¯s face started to turn red again.


    ¡°We could make a large batch of it and pour it onto them. Is it hot or cold?¡± Randle looked across at the others.


    ¡°I..¡± The King.


    ¡°It can be either.¡± Brianna scratched her head. "A hot or cold poison."


    The King jumped to his feet, slammed his fist onto the table, and shouted, ¡°Someone tell me what in the fifteen hells is a Lich Lord!¡±


    ¡°What?¡± Prince Darren looked about with some surprise. ¡°I mean, I... I don''t really know. He¡¯s ancient and undead.¡±


    ¡°Not really undead,¡± Brianna cut in, ¡°He¡¯s ancient, but he absorbs the life energy of his victims.  They, in turn, are enslaved by him.¡±


    ¡°Can he do that to us?¡± The King¡¯s face turned from red to pale. "I mean, the humans usually turn into zombies." The King gestured to the humans present.


    Brianna looked down at the table, ¡°Yes, under certain circumstances, he could absorb energy from us. He has to be at rest to channel the magic needed to enthrall his victims. They have to go to him and be sacrificed.¡±


    ¡°How do we keep that from happening to us?¡± Darren was worried his people would be zombies in a few weeks.This story originates from a different website. Ensure the author gets the support they deserve by reading it there.


    ¡°Well, the enthrallment spell has to be unbroken, and the enthralled has to not be snapped out of the trance.¡± Brianna drummed her fingers on the table, ¡°Really anything to break the spell. Someone speaking to them, being startled.¡±


    ¡°Do you think that¡¯s why the Mother Spider was there? To startle people off of enthrallment?¡± Britina asked.


    ¡°Possibly,¡± Brianna agreed with a thoughtful nod.


    ¡°Mother Spider?¡± The King looked around for spiders, ¡°Look, if it¡¯s that easy to break, then how did he amass such a large army.¡±


    ¡°Well, he¡¯s been summoning people for a very long time. I think anyone considered lost in the forest was probably one of his victims.¡± Brianna looked at Darren.


    ¡°That area has always been off-limits,¡± Darren said grimly. ¡°Too many people disappeared. We assumed it was the spider or some other creature. But maybe it¡¯s been Lawrence all along.¡± Darren grimaced. He didn¡¯t like that this thing was so close to their home.


    ¡°I didn¡¯t see any dwarves among my workers,¡± Brianna said.


    ¡°But you didn¡¯t get into the entire temple. You only explored a small part of it.¡± Darren started to imagine angry zombie dwarves.  He didn¡¯t like the image.


    ¡°I think we need to get back to finding how to stop him.¡± The King sat down.


    ¡°You said there were love poems; who was he writing about?¡± Darren flipped through the pages to find one.  He read a few.


    ¡°That must be Mother Spider before she became a spider.¡± Brianna read a few. ¡°These are terrible poems.¡±


    ¡°Yes, they are, but I think you are right; maybe these were written by Lawrence.¡± Britina read a few.


    ¡°Meh, poetry.¡± The King and Prunhiline said together, eyed each other, and then giggled.


    ¡°No giggly in the war room.¡± Prince Darren did his best not to laugh.


    ¡°Bah, shut up, boy!¡± The King grinned. He was happier now that his son was home, and he brought home a nice girl.


    ¡°Hey, check out this one,¡± Prunhline held up one of the notebooks.


    My love for you is  Like a warm spring days Where the flower blooms In the radiant sun rays.


    Your love for me sours Like putrid lemon Making your face swell With rancid venom.


    Everyone at the table groaned with agony at the lousy poetry. ¡°A lich lord wrote that about a giant spider?¡± The King shook his head in disbelief. He didn¡¯t like poetry, but this was torture.


    ¡°Well, maybe.¡± The King gave Brianna a confused look, ¡°She wasn''t always a spider, turned herself into one to escape him.¡± Brianna stopped; this wasn¡¯t helping.


    ¡°Making your face swell with rancid venom.¡± Randle petted Bob.


    ¡°Please don¡¯t. It was bad enough hearing it the first time.¡± Britina rubbed her temples.


    ¡°No, his face swells from lemons.¡± Randle jumped up. Bob was annoyed he wasn¡¯t getting scratches anymore. ¡°He¡¯s allergic to lemons!¡±


    ¡°Lemons?¡± The King blinked, ¡°Lemons! What do lemons have to do with anything?¡±


    ¡°Yeah!¡± Prunhline jumped up, too, ¡°All we need to do is hit him with lemons!¡±


    The King blinked a few times. He thought maybe he was going senile. ¡°What?¡±


    ¡°Uh, lemons.¡± Prunhiline said, ¡°I mean, we could call a truce and serve lemonade.¡±


    ¡°Lemonade,¡± The King mouthed.


    ¡°I don¡¯t think that would work.¡± Darren wanted to laugh but wasn¡¯t sure if it was funny or not, ¡°We could load the catapults with lemons.¡± That laugh became embarrassed and retreated.


    ¡°LEMONS!¡± The King shouted. ¡°LEMONS!¡± An attendant hurried in with a bowl of lemons, setting it before him. The King glared at the bowl, then hurled it across the room. ¡°NO LEMONS IN THE WAR ROOM!¡±


    Everyone stared at the King.  He looked around and sat down, embarrassed. The silence of the war room caused the joking to fall wrong. They need a plan. Not one that included an unknown poison and lemons.


    ¡°Father,¡± Darren said, glancing around the table, ¡°we need to rally all our warriors to defend the fortress.¡±


    ¡°Agreed, there are still some that are resting from their last battle, ¡° He gave Britina and Prunhiline a dirty look. ¡°I¡¯ll muster the capable warriors. Randle, I¡¯d greatly appreciate it if you and Bob kept track of the zombie horde. My scouts will work with you to keep us informed.¡±


    ¡°We¡¯d be happy to help, Your Majesty,¡± Randle said, with Bob grunting approval.


    ¡°Britina, you and Brianna, please keep studying Brianna¡¯s notes. There has to be something.¡± The King looked at Prunhiline with a deep sigh, ¡°Prunhiline, could you join my men in preparation for battle.¡±  All three nodded. ¡°Thank you all.¡± The King stood and walked out the door, careful not to step on the lemons.  Prunhiline, Prince Darren, Bob, and Randle followed.


    Preparations were made, and plans were refined until all was ready for the approaching zombie horde. The King was thrilled with Brianna¡¯s wit and intelligence. He wasn¡¯t as thrilled with the chaos caused by a certain tall warrior. Britina did her best to keep Prunhiline¡¯s enthusiasm to a minimum.

 Chapter 35 - To Battle!

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    The dwarven army stood ready outside the gates Prunhiline and Britina had guarded weeks before. This time, there was decidedly less napping on duty. In the distance, a man and a bear raced toward the fortress. As Randle and Bob crossed the first line of defense, the first of the zombie horde emerged from the forest.


    ¡°Your majesty,¡± Randle shouted, sprinting up to the King. ¡°The Lich Lord is here with his army.  Unfortunately, he¡¯s been keeping himself in the middle of the zombie horde.¡±


    The King grunted, ¡°Well, we knew this wouldn¡¯t be easy.  I¡¯ll have the archers fire once they reach the middle of the field. Hopefully, that will slow them down.¡±


    ¡°What about fire?¡± Britina asked. She had not been part of the strategy meetings.


    ¡°Not unless we have to. I don¡¯t want to burn the forest down just yet.¡± The King placed his helmet on his head and hefted his great axe. ¡°Prunhiline, I¡¯m afraid I¡¯ll have to ask you to do as you planned.¡±


    Britina shot Prunhiline a concerned look. She didn¡¯t trust any plan made without her input. ¡°What plan?¡± She hissed.


    ¡°I¡¯m going to fight my way through the zombies and kill the Lich Lord,¡± Prunhiline announced, dramatically resting her war hammer on her shoulder.


    ¡°You what?¡± Britina shouted.


    ¡°I¡¯m going to kill..¡± Prunhiline didn¡¯t get far.


    ¡°You mean we¡¯re going to kill the Lich Lord,¡± Britina snapped.


    ¡°Well..¡± Prunhiline shrunk back.


    ¡°Well?¡± Britina shouted, ¡°Well!¡±


    ¡°Uh..¡± The King wanted to intervene but then decided it was in his best interest to gaze at the pretty clouds.


    ¡°We! Are! Going! To! Kill! The! Lich! Lord!¡± Britina enunciated each word, jabbing a finger toward the zombie horde.


    ¡°Bri.¡± Prunhiline started.


    ¡°No! We! That¡¯s final.¡± Britina put her fists on her hips.  Prunhiline called this her final statement stance.


    ¡°We are going to kill the Lich Lord,¡± Prunhiline said with less enthusiasm.


    ¡°Uh, well, uh, good luck to you heroes of the realm!¡± The King regained his regalness.


    ¡°Good luck, you two!¡± Brianna shouted. ¡°If you see Darren, keep him safe for me.¡±


    And so the battle began.


    ¡°Look, I¡¯m just saying you would be safer behind the dwarven line,¡± Prunhiline grunted as she slammed her mighty war hammer into a zombie''s skull.


    ¡°Oh, really? Are you sure?¡± Britina retorted, blasting a zombie with a concentrated ball of arcane energy. ¡°What if I¡¯m not?¡±


    A zombie flew across the field as Prunhiline retorted, ¡°Better than in the middle of the zombie horde.¡±


    ¡°I think I¡¯m doing fine,¡± Britina froze several zombies in place, ¡°In fact, I think I''ve defeated more zombies than you.¡±


    Prunhiline swung her war hammer in a broad sweep, knocking back a dozen zombies, ¡°You what? What? No! I¡¯m clearly doing better.¡±


    Britina hummed as she swept her arms out, casting a wind spell that knocked back two dozen zombies.  Prunhiline grunted and charged into a group, knocking them over. The two had carved their way almost to the Lich Lord.  They had caught glimpses of him as he commanded his army.


    The two had kept a close eye out for Brian, but neither had seen him. They broke into a circle of zombies. In the middle was the Lich Lord.


    ¡°Very good, you two. You will make fine additions to my zombie horde!¡± Lawrence announced.  He was lounging in a chair; his fingers danced before him. Each twitch of a finger made a zombie lurch toward the two. Britina swept her left hand out, throwing the zombie far away.


    Lawrence laughed, ¡°Wonderful! Let¡¯s have some fun.¡± He stood up, towering over even the tall warrior. He hefted a long spear. He was on top of them in an instant. He was fast. ¡°I kill you myself!¡±Help support creative writers by finding and reading their stories on the original site.


    Prunhiline moved just in time to block the spear with her war hammer. She felt the shock of the blow down her arms.  He was strong. Prunhiline shifted her weight, allowing her to pivot and take a full swing of her war hammer. She struck Lawerence directly in the chest, pitching him backward.  The snapping of his ribs caused even the undead to wence.


    ¡°Good hit, dear love!¡± Shouted Britina. She was preparing her next large fireball spell. With Lawrence down, she would cut a hole in the zombie horde that would lead them back safely. They would clean up the zombie horde and be back at the fortress for tea. She winced, remembering dwarves disliked tea; she wondered if the prince could be persuaded to make his special tea later. She swept her hands in front of her, and nothing. Her spell didn¡¯t work.


    ¡°What are you doing?¡± Prunhiline shouted as she slowly made her way towards the mage. The zombies had slowed but had not completely halted.


    ¡°I was going to cast a fire spell to get us out of here.¡± Britina looked at her hands.  She felt odd.


    ¡°No fire, remember. The King didn¡¯t want to burn down the forest.¡± Prunhiline scolded the mage.


    ¡°I forgot, but I can¡¯t¡­¡± Britina screamed in pain when she was struck from behind by a rock.


    The two women turned.  Lawrence was slowly climbing to his feet.  They looked at each other.  Prunhiline¡¯s blow should have collapsed his lungs.


    ¡°Gooood, blooooow,¡± Lawrence hissed as he rose. ¡°That shooouuuld have kiiiillled me.¡± His chest was visibly expanding.  ¡°But I¡¯m a Lich Lord!¡±


    Muttering an incantation, Britina swung her hands out, aiming to unleash a blast of arcane energy. Nothing happened.


    ¡°I¡¯ve fought mages before, dear love,¡± Lawrence sneered, standing to his full height. ¡°You are nothing inside a nullification sphere.¡± Lawrence tapped his amulet. ¡°I¡¯m always prepared.¡±


    Prunhiline chuckled, snatching up a fallen staff and tossing it to Britina. The mage caught it and immediately assumed a defensive stance.


    ¡°My wife is a weapons expert!¡± Britina shouted, "I may have learned a few tricks from her."


    The two heroes charged. Prunhiline swung her war hammer high, and Britina dropped to her knees and swung her staff low.  Lawrence felt his knee crack at the same time his skull busted open. Prunhiline swung her war hammer over her head and slammed it into Lawrence''s skull, crushing it. Britina used her momentum to stand. She swung her staff, stabbing Lawernce in the chest.  The blunt staff burst through his skeletal chest. Both women stepped back, dropped into a defensive stance, and were ready for the zombie horde.


    The zombies stood and watched.  The horde was silent. They had won. A moan started low and began to grow louder.  The heroes turned to see Lawernce was starting to pull himself together.


    ¡°Shit!¡± Britina shouted.


    ¡°Language!¡± Prunhiline shouted, ¡°Plan P.¡±


    ¡°On it!¡± Britina dropped her staff and ran to Lawerence.  She grabbed her vile of poison and dumped it into his mostly reformed mouth.


    Lawrence''s eyes went wide; he began to choke and sputter.  ¡°What are you doing?¡± He shouted. ¡°Is this¡­¡± He paused and tasted the poison again, ¡°Pumpkin spice? At least put it in coffee!¡±


    Britina stepped back, ¡°Not poison!¡±


    ¡°Poison, you idiots, it¡¯s spice for coffee!¡± Lawrence said as he sat up.


    ¡°Who puts spice in their coffee? That¡¯s disgusting!¡± Prunhiline shouted.


    ¡°I love pumpkin spice coffee!¡± Lawrence was standing once again.


    ¡°Savage!¡± Prunhline shouted.


    ¡°Dear love,¡± Biritna interrupted, ¡°I really hate saying this, but it¡¯s time for plan L.¡±


    ¡°Plan L?¡± Prunhiline and Lawernce said together.


    Prunhline¡¯s eyes lit up. Plan L! She reached into her pouch and grabbed a few lemons.  She tossed one to Britina.  Britina drew her dagger and cut the lemon into two pieces. Prunhiline did the same.  Lawrence looked at them with a growing concern.


    ¡°What are you doing with lemons?¡± Lawrence asked, stepping back.


    ¡°Attack!¡± The two women shouted together.  They charged Lawrence with the lemons in their outstretched hands.  Lawrence turned to run, but they caught him quickly.


    ¡°No! Don¡¯t!¡± Lawrence shouted as they smeared him with lemon juice. ¡°I¡¯m allergic to lemons!¡± Lawrence threw off the two women and began to run away. "I can feel my throat closing up!"


    Britina and Prunhline sat on the ground, looking at the retreating Lich Lord. It worked. It shouldn¡¯t have, but it did.  The zombie horde didn¡¯t know what to do.  A moan began slowly and then became louder. The horde turned and followed its master.


    ¡°We... won?¡± Britina asked, disbelief creeping into her voice.


    ¡°We won!¡± Prunhiline screamed.  ¡°Lemons! I¡¯m the master of lemon weapons; it¡¯s going in my title!¡±


    ¡°Congratulations, dear love,¡± Britina said, laying back on the grass. "This has got to be the dumbest win we have ever had."


    "Meh," Prunhiline shrugged as she lay beside her wife, "I blame the curse."


    "Curse?" Britina asked. "What curse?"


    "Eh," Prunhiline muttered.


    "Eh?" Britina asked again and sighed, "Never mind, we can discuss it later. I will take a victory, even if it''s strange." Britina gave Prunhiline a broad smile, "Well, we won, and so it''s time for you to recite your title."


    Prunhiline pumped her fists into the air, drew a deep breath, and began, ¡°I am Prunhiline of the Plains! Master of sword, shield, war hammer, and, most importantly today, lethal lemons! Slayer of boars, dragons, werewolves, and nemesis of squirrels everywhere! Conqueror of¡­¡± You get the idea, Dear Reader. Britina smiled, relaxed, and listened to her wife say her full title. She knew the warrior wouldn¡¯t be able to complete it before they were interrupted, but she was going to let her try.


    An hour later, voices were heard coming from the keep, ¡°There they are!¡± The King, Prince Darren, and Brianna rushed to the pair lying on the ground.


    ¡°Are they ok?¡±


    ¡°What¡¯s wrong with Prunhiline? Why is she talking about were-lemurs?¡±


    ¡°Help them up!¡± The King shouted.


    Standing, Britina looked down at Prunhline and said, ¡°Sorry, dear love. Better luck next time.¡±


    Prunhiline jumped up, ¡°Oh, well. I¡¯ll get through it one day.¡±


    The dwarves were a little perplexed.  Britina smiled at them, ¡°After a battle, she tries to recite her entire title. We¡¯ve never made it through it.¡±  The dwarves nodded, not wanting any additional explanation.

 Chapter 36 - Celebration & Singing

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    ¡°Shut up!¡± bellowed the King, addressing the boisterous dwarves gathered in the grand hall. Tables and long benches were brought in for the celebration, and the noise gradually subsided. ¡°In honor of our new friends, Lady Britina and Prunhiline of the Plaines, we celebrate our victory over the Lich Lord Lawrence.¡± The King¡¯s eye twitched at the mention of the name. After a deep breath, he declared, ¡°Eat, be merry, and above all, DRINK!¡±  The cheer was deafening as the food and ale were brought out.


    The hall was alive with revelry, feasting, singing, drinking, and the occasional fistfight. Prunhiline attempted to join the brawls, but the sight of the towering six-foot-seven and two-quarters warrior quickly sobered and calmed the dwarves. Prunhiline gave up and finally sat with her friends Darren and Brianna, who were now officially engaged.


    Lady Britina was talking to the counselor when the King approached them.  Lady Britina smiled and gave a slight bow to the King.  The counselor motioned to the King, but the King ignored him.  Lady Britina¡¯s smile tightened, shifting from genuine warmth to polite disapproval. The King took a long swig of ale, muttered something unintelligible, and made a suggestive grabbing motion toward Britina. Lady Britina properly slapped the King across his bearded face. The hall became quiet.


    Prunhiline jumped to her feet as Brianna and Darren grabbed her by the knees and yelled at her to stop.Love this novel? Read it on Royal Road to ensure the author gets credit.


    The counselor quickly intervened, stepping between Britina and the King as royal guards rushed to the scene.  Despite two dwarves clinging to her legs, Prunhiline powered toward the hall''s center with surprising speed.  The guards surrounded the King.


    The counselor raised his hands and announced, ¡°The Dwarven kingdom would like to apologize to Lady Britina for the rude behavior of our King. He, unfortunately, is intoxicated and can¡¯t hold his liquor. It is time for the King to retire to his chambers.¡±


    ¡°No, I¡¯mma good. Jusst a little miss, uh, miss, uh, understatement.¡± slurred the King.


    Prunhiline stopped her charge when the royal guards began to sing as they drug the King off:


    Time for bed, ole King Time for bed The King has drank And drank and drank He¡¯s now too drunk To be a gentleman So off to bed, ole King Off to bed


    ¡°No,¡± Cried the King, ¡°I¡¯mma gud.¡±


    The King can¡¯t hold his liquor He¡¯s a lightweight drinker So, off to bed Off to bed


    When the King gets wasted He gets a little handsy  With the maidens derriere He gets a little crude And says something rude And now his face is bruised


    ¡°Justa understatement,¡° The King cried.


    The King can¡¯t hold his liquor He¡¯s a lightweight drinker So, off to bed Off to bed


    The King said something Inappropriate Lady Britina was embarrassed And Prunhiline will kill us all


    That last part was sung loudly by Brianna and Darren, who were still locked onto the warrior¡¯s legs.


    The King can¡¯t hold his liquor He¡¯s a lightweight drinker So, off to bed Off to bed


    And the King was gone.  The room was quiet, and all eyes were on Britina. She looked about and then looked at her wife.  Prunhiline blinked and gave the mage a thumbs up.


    Britina took a deep breath before declaring, ¡°I am Lady Britina of the Coast, slapper of rude kings!¡±


    The room cheered!

 Chapter 37 - Going home?

    After an awkward farewell from a now-sober king, Britina and Prunhiline set off on the road home, while Britina was glad to be returning, she decided the trip back would be good for some much-needed discussions.


    "Dear love?" Britina called, pulling Prunhiline''s focus away from her intense squirrel search.


    "Hmmm," Prunhiline murmured, still on high alert for her arch-nemesis, the squirrel.


    "You mentioned something about a curse," Britina said.


    "Ah, yeah," Prunhiline said, giving up looking for her nemesis and finding that the clouds were pretty this time of day.


    "What curse?" Britina asked more sternly than she had intended.


    "Ah, well, you see." Prunhiline said, "I may have a little curse placed on me."


    "How little of a curse?" asked the mage.


    "Oh, you know, just a little one." Prunhiline held up her fingers to indicate the curse¡¯s supposedly insignificant size.


    "Ok, then what kind of curse?" Britina asked, getting frustrated with the conversation.


    "Oh, well, it''s a curse of chaos," Prunhiline stated.


    "Chaos?" Britina repeated, her tone sharpening.


    "Yeah, you know. Chaos. If something can go, you know, differently, then it will." Prunhiline said, almost embarrassed.


    "What?" Britina blurted out.


    "Ok, let me explain." Prunhiline began, "It happened when I was a kid."


    ---


    "Hey Prune Juice!" Shouted a young girl as she ran towards her friend.


    "Ah, Finny, I hate that nickname!" Prunhiline pouted.


    Finny and Prunhiline were both thirteen, and both reached six feet tall. It was the annual meeting of the tribes, and being of age, they were both to be included in the ceremonies. Finny was training to be a shaman, and Prunhiline was training to be a hunter.


    "This will be the best year ever!" Finny shouted as she and Prunhiline hugged.


    "Yes! I can''t wait to go on the big hunt this year." Prunhiline said.


    "Me too!" Finny exclaimed, "I''ve been practicing the blessing. One day, I hope to be able to do it like my grandmother."


    "Girls!" Prunhiline''s mother called, her tone firm. "Stay close! The ceremony is about to begin."


    "Ok!" the girls shouted together.


    "Let''s go explore the caves again?" Prunhiline suggested.


    The girls laughed as they ran several miles from the camp to the caves. For the plainspeople, several miles was a simple run. Fortunately, they made it to the caves when the storm hit.


    "I thought it was going to be a clear day?" Finny said.


    "Me too, but don''t worry. We can stay here until the storm passes." Prunhiline said.


    What the girls didn''t know was that this storm wasn''t a typical storm. It was brought about by the storm gods, who were fighting over who was better at creating the most damaging storm on the plains. The plains people were caught off guard, but they were always prepared. Unfortunately, Prunhiline and Finny were not prepared. The storm raged, and midday turned dark as night. The girls found some dry wood and, true to their survival training, made a fire in the cave.


    "I found some blueberries by the cave entrance." Said Finny, handing a handful to Prunhiline.


    "Thank you. I''m staved," Prunhiline said.


    "The storm should have passed by now." Finny said, "Something feels wrong about this."


    "Ah, don''t worry, Finny, it''s just a summer storm. It''ll pass, and we will run back to the camp." Prunhiline reassured her.


    When night fell, the fire in the cave barely kept back the darkness. The girls huddled near it for warmth and safety. They kept their spears near them but had explored the caves for many years and knew nothing lived there. Unfortunately, that was not true this year. Several men had gotten lost on the plains and found the caves, but they were not of the plains and didn''t know how to survive. They became angry and began to fight; one of the men killed the other. In desperation, he ate his companion but soon died afterward. His spirit rose in torment as a Wendigo.If you spot this narrative on Amazon, know that it has been stolen. Report the violation.


    The howl was fierce and wild. The girls jumped to their feet and held their spears at the ready.


    "I smell children," Came a growl from the back of the cave.


    "I am Prunhiline of the Plains, slayer of, uh... chipmunks," she faltered.


    "Chipmunks?" Laughed the Wendigo.


    "I am Finny of the plains shaman and defeater of, well, nothing yet," Finny said.


    "And a shaman," The growl was amused. "If I eat a shaman, will that cure me?"


    "Cure you of what?" Finny said, "I can help if you are hurt."


    The monster laughed, "No, child. I am cursed. I died after eating the flesh of another man."


    "Wendigo!" Finny hissed.


    "What?" Prunhiline whispered.


    "This is bad. He ate human flesh before he died, and now he''s a spirit that craves it," Finny said.


    "Children would be a good snack," the Wendigo hissed.


    The storm raged as lightning flashed. The wind had picked up to the point that even as far in as the girls had gone into the cave, they could feel it. They couldn''t go out, but they couldn''t stay.


    "Finny," Prunhiline whispered, "Do the blessing."


    "What?" Finny shot back, "I can''t. I''ve only practiced it a little bit."


    "Doesn''t matter. Do the blessing, and we will make our stand here." Prunhiline said.


    "Ok," Finny began to sing-song chant that the shamans did for the blessing of the hunt.


    The Wendigo roared; the chat had caused him pain. "Shut up!"


    Finny began to falter but continued. Prunhiline hefted her spear and prepared to defend her friend. Finny began to cry, and her words started to slur.


    "What are you doing?" Screamed the Wendigo.


    "Stay back, monster!" Shouted Prunhiline.


    The next roar from the monster causes Finny to scream in terror. Her words became jumbled. She threw her hands out and shouted, "Hear me, oh great gods, bless this warrior."


    Finny didn''t know that she had mispronounced the gods'' names. This wouldn''t be an issue, except she had called out the names of the chaos gods, and they were happy to answer. Prunhiline felt a jolt and a surge of power.


    The Wendigo burst from the darkness, and Prunhiline shouted, raising her spear. The Wendigo misjudged his leap and bashed his head into the stone ceiling. Howling with pain, the Wendigo rolled around on the cave floor.


    "Blast you, foul children," The Wendigo said (actually, dear reader,  he used very foul language, but this isn''t that kind of story).


    "We haven''t done anything!" Prunhiline shouted indignantly.


    The Wendigo roared, leaping again. He kept the leap low but didn''t get the range and landed in the fire. He howled again, running around. His white fur was on fire.


    "The blessing is working!" Prunhiline shouted.


    But Finny knew something was wrong. The whispers she heard were not of the gods she had heard before. They seemed amused.


    "I will eat you both!" The Wendigo shouted again. He leaped towards the girls, but as he did so, he lost his footing and landed hard on the rock floor. At that moment, lightning struck outside the cave. The rumble started low but began to get louder as the girls saw the ceiling start to give way. They ran out into the storm.


    "There they are!" Shouted a man. The girls saw their fathers running to the cave entrance.


    "Wendigo!" Shouted Finny.


    "Where?" Finny''s father shouted over the storm.


    "In the cave!" Shouted Prunhiline.


    They looked back to see the cave had collapsed.


    ---


    "Prune juice?" Britina giggled.


    "No, no, no," Prunhiline said, her face scrunching in mock indignation.


    Britina laughed, "So you were cursed by accident. Seems like something you are good at."


    Prunhiline laughed, "Well, I got way better at it."


    "What happened to Finny?" Britina asked.


    "Oh, she got into a lot of trouble. She wasn''t supposed to try to bless for many years." Prunhiline said.


    "But if she hadn''t, you both would have been killed," Britina said. "Doesn''t seem fair to me."


    "Oh, they scalded both of us for going to the caves. And Finny had to do extra chores, but they didn''t do any harsh punishment." Prunhiline said. "We are still best friends, and she''s excited to meet you when we visit my family."


    "Ah, yes, uh," Britina said. "So, any more secrets, dear love?"


    "Nah, you know about the romance novels," Prunhiline said, looking around for any spies.


    "Ah, well, I guess it''s my turn to be honest with you," Britina said, "I, uh, um, wrote my mother and told her about us getting married."


    "Oh, that''s great!" Prunhiline said. "When?"


    "After it happened," Britina said, looking embarrassed, "I had her promise not to tell anyone else."


    "Ok, but this is a good start," Prunhiline said, not understanding why things needed to be a secret.


    "And, she said she did so well on her last book, she wanted to give us a present," Britina said.


    "Oh, well, she didn¡¯t need to do that. Her book was great, especially the part where the vampire and the ghoul," Prunhiline began enthusiastically gesturing but was quickly cut off.


    "Dear love!" Britina shouted, "Please, I don''t want to know what my mother writes." Britina took a breath, "She bought us a house."


    "What?" Prunhiline said.


    "She bought us a house, and I moved our things to it while we were on our mission," Britina blushed. "Uh, sorry. I should have said something earlier."


    "Uh, ok," Prunhiline was speechless, "I thought we would find a way to stay at the capital. How did she get a house for us there?"


    "Oh, well, it''s not in the capital proper, but close by," Britina said.


    "Where exactly?" Prunhiline pressed, suspicious.


    "Uh, outside the capital," Britina said.


    "Oh, well, that''s not too bad." Prunhiline said, "Riverport? I know you love the water."


    "No," Britina said, looking up at the pretty clouds.


    "Uh, Hills Borrow, I uh, that would be ok," Prunhiline liked flatter land, but it was still open space."


    "No," Britina said, "They explicitly said we couldn''t move to either of those places. You know, for reasons."


    "Sure, the reason being me," Prunhiline grumbled, "So where did we get a house?"


    "Land of the Oaks," Britina said.


    Prunhiline laughed, "That''s a good one, Bri. You had me going."


    "No, dear love," Britina said, "We have a house waiting for us in Land of the Oaks."


    "But Bri, they call it the Weirdo Wing," Prunhiline whispered, incredulous.


    "I know, dear love, but it''s the only community that would accept us," Britina said with a shrug. "It can¡¯t be that bad," Britina said optimistically.


    Somewhere, the chaos gods chuckled.

 Chapter 38 - Brad, the skunk, and the cheese

    A peculiar smell pulled Britina from her comfortable chair and her book. Her first thought? A sulfuric demon with no hygiene, bad breath, and a flatulence problem. Her second? Her wife, Prunhiline. She realized how absurd it was to think that a sulfuric demon would visit her, and her first thought should have been her wife. Britina rose from her chair, regretting having to put her book down.


    When the front door opened, the source of the smell stood there: six-foot-seven plainswoman and warrior Prunhiline, Britina''s accidental wife, best friend, and eternal source of frustration. The smell irritated her, leaving her favorite chair irritated her, and putting down her book irritated her, but most of all, she was highly irritated with Prunhiline. The irritation boiled over.


    "You smell like you wrestled a skunk in a pig pen armed with three-week-old cheese!" Britina rarely screamed, but today was an exception. Today, she felt it was appropriate to scream.


    Prunhiline stood in the doorway, head bowed. Britina''s summary wasn''t far off: five-week-old cheese and a giant skunk were involved. Correcting her would only make things worse. Prunhiline also knew there was a punishment for her adventure. She stood in dread of the word.


    "Bath!" Britina pointed outside. Prunhiline''s confusion was not lost on the mage. "Yes, outside! I''m not having that smell in my house!" Britina gestured disgustingly at the warrior, "We just moved in!" Prunhiline entered the house to begin her long journey to the backyard and a bath. "No!" Screamed Britina again, "Do not come into the house! Go around!" Britina took a long breath and calmly said, "Please, dear love, go around the house, get the tub, and I''ll bring you hot water and soap." She had used up her allotted amount of yelling for the month, and it was only the first week.


    Prunhiline did a quick about-face and exited through the front door. She kicked some weeds that had grown up in the yard. Britina will be gardening again later. She did that when she was angry at Prunhiline. They had the loveliest garden in the Land of Oaks community. That was its official name; everyone else called it the Weirdo Wing.


    "Whoo, girl!" came a raspy voice from over the fence. It was their creepy necromancer neighbor. "You be stinking! Must have been a good time!" The old crone laughed hysterically. Her resident ghoul waved its hand in front of its nose. Prunhiline felt a little pride that she could make a ghoul think she smelt terrible. She waved at the odd couple and stayed on her path of shame to the backyard for her bath.


    Prunhiline grabbed the large washtub, leaning against the back of the house. She wasn''t sure how Britina found a washtub that almost accommodated the warrior''s great height. She also didn''t know why Britina felt she needed one. For some reason, to Prunhiline''s dismay, it got a lot of use. Britina was waiting for her. The mage was waving her hands and chanting over a large bucket of now steaming water.


    "Ok, dear love, the water is ready. I brought the soap and your rubber ducky. Please pour the water for me and start bathing. I''ll need to make a potion to help eliminate the smell. Now tell me, what was it that you were battling?" Britina asked at her normal voice level.


    Prunhiline undressed and sat her leather armor and war hammer by the tub. The plains people had no problems with nudity. It was a common embarrassment for Britina.


    Prunhiline sat inside the tub, picked up the hot water, and poured. "Um, it was a skunk." Britina nodded. Prunhiline could tell she was attempting to keep her anger in check. "It was a large monster skunk that had attacked a pig farm. I was out hunting when I saw it attack. I stopped and helped." Prunhiline was hoping this would make some of this better for her.


    "Oh, well, it was for a good cause then," Britina said in the most neutral tone she could muster. Prunhiline had never lied to her, so she believed her story. And she knew the curse had something to do with the craziness in their life.


    "You start bathing, and I''ll get a potion to help with the smell," Britina said, turning quickly from the odor.


    Britina entered her lab. She pondered a few moments on what she would need to mix to rid the smell of a giant skunk. She decided on the stain and odor remover potion that had become handy after meeting Prunhiline. Britina sighed at the thought of their first meeting in hand-to-hand combat class. They went from being not quite enemies to friends to best friends to married accidentally. A smile spread across the mage''s face; her "wife" was a handful, but she was happy to have met her.


    Britina returned to find Prunhiline happily splashing her ducky in the water while making odd noises. The mage smiled and shook her head. She stepped up to the tub while holding her breath and poured the potion directly into the bathwater. One side effect she never mentioned to Prunhiline was that the potion gave the bather very smooth skin. That would outrage the warrior.


    A magical pop and a puff of black smoke jolted Britina from her thoughts. A man dressed head-to-toe in black appeared, brandishing a short sword. Prunhiline gave a loud whoop and reached for her war hammer. A weapon was always present when she bathed. The deal was that if an enemy interrupted the bath, Prunhiline could go on a rampage.


    The assassin announced to the backyard, "The great transfiguration mage has hired me to kill you, Prunhiline of the plains." The man was getting into his role. It appeared he had recited this many times, "For hurting his favorite giant skunk, you will di¡­." The poor assassin didn''t have time to finish his well-rehearsed speech. A blast of magical blue energy struck him, throwing him off his feet. He fell flat onto his back in the middle of Britina''s favorite flower bed. The flowers felt no pain but felt great compassion for the pain the assassin would feel once he woke up.


    "No rampage!" Britina shouted at the naked, soapy warrior now wielding her massive war hammer. "Back in the bath!" Britina pointed at the water that was left in the tub.


    Taken from Royal Road, this narrative should be reported if found on Amazon.


    "But.." Prunhiline started to say, stopped, and looked at the assassin, who appeared to be waking up. She considered the trouble she would be in if she didn''t finish her bath. She sat in the soapy water, grabbed her rubber ducky, and mumbled.


    The assassin stood up and looked down at his feet. He felt terrible that he had damaged the flowers and gently stepped out of the flower bed. "Uh," he began but didn''t know how to finish his sentence. He stared at the warrior who was now bathing and grumbling and another woman who almost glowed angrily. He looked closer at the woman and decided she was glowing blue.


    "You!" Britina barked, pointing her glowing, energy-charged finger at the assassin. "Sit there, shut up, and don''t interrupt her bath again!" She gestured toward a couple of reclining chairs.


    The assassin strolled towards the reclining chair. He sat down and watched. Britina went to the flower bed the assassin had fallen into and began to fix the flowers. Prunhiline kept splashing her rubber ducky and glaring at the assassin. The assassin felt uncomfortable watching a woman bathing. He was also slightly scared of the other woman who was fixing the flower bed.


    "So, uh," The assassin started to say.


    "Don''t," Prunhiline interrupted him, "She''s in a bad mood. Just leave her alone and stay quiet."


    The assassin, not one for taking good advice, kept going. "So, you are Prunhiline, correct? I mean, you''re the tallest person I''ve ever seen, so you match the description pretty well."


    "That''s me," Prunhiline said, splashing the water.


    "So, who is that?" the assassin pointed to Britina.


    "That''s Britina. She''s a mage of the sixth circle and, uh, my wife," Prunhiline said with some embarrassment.


    "You''re married!" The assassin shouted.


    "Shut up!" Britina shouted and tossed a magic bolt at the assassin. The bolt singed him and made him sit up straighter. Prunhiline sunk deeper into the tub.


    Silence crept over the three until the assassin couldn''t help himself, "Married to her?"


    "Yeah," Prunhiline whispered back.


    "Tough luck on that one." The assassin whispered.


    "Yeah, I blame the curse." Prunhiline eyed Britina, looking for signs that she was overhearing them.


    "Curse?" The assassin hissed, leaning in conspiratorially. "That explains a lot."


    "It''s not so bad. She''s pretty amazing." Prunhiline leaned over the tub to look at the assassin. "She''s hands down the smartest person I know."


    "I mean, she''s pretty young to be part of the sixth circle." The assassin said, "By the way, I''m Brad."


    "Hi, Brad." Prunhiline said, "You know today is your lucky day. She normally lets me rampage if my bath is interrupted."


    Brad blinked a few times and mouthed the word rampage. He struggled with several words, such as marriage, curse, and rampage. None of them should be together in a normal conversation. The assassin struggled with his worldview until he settled on something saner.


    "I have to say, you have some great skin. What do you use?" Brad asked Prunhiline.


    Britina stood up and turned around, "Brad, is it?" Brad nodded. "You will get a bucket of water from the well over there."


    For reasons beyond what Brad could comprehend, he stood up and did as commanded. He brought the bucket to Britina, who cast her spell to warm the water.


    "Get the chair and put it next to the tub." Britina commanded, "Now stand in the chair. Prunhiline, stand up." Brad blushed, being face to face with the naked warrior. "Brad, take this and dump it over Prunhiline." Brad did as commanded. "Prunhiline, get dressed," Britina took a deep breath, "Please." Britina looked at the assassin. "Brad, we are having lunch. Would you like to join us?"


    "Yes, please." he squeaked.


    The three settled into the freshly painted and tidy kitchen. Britina made three sandwiches. She placed them on the table in front of Prunhiline and their guest, Brad. Prunhiline attacked her sandwich with the hunger of someone who had recently bathed. Brad gently lifted his sandwich and inspected it.


    "So, who hired you?" Britina asked.


    Brad chewed his sandwich and swallowed it, "Um, the great transfiguration mage, Jerry. He was angry that Prunhiline hurt his giant skunk." He thought about what he said and felt oddly funny like he was going mad.


    "Prunhiline?" Britina gazed at the warrior, "Did the skunk attack the farm, or did you provoke the skunk to add to your title?"


    "Well," Prunhiline said with a mouth full of food, "It attacked the farm, and I jumped in to help." She swallowed her food, "But it would be cool to add to my title." She took a deep breath, "Prunhiline of the plains, defeater of giant skunks, nemesis of squirrels, conqueror of zombie crickets¡­." Britina tapped the table, causing the warrior to pause.


    Brad wasn''t sure what had happened, "What was that about squirrels?"


    "Never mind, that''s a story for another time." Britina said, "Look, the skunk attacked a farm. Prunhiline defended the farm. Is the skunk dead?" Brad nodded no, "Hurt?" Brad shrugged, "What''s wrong with it?"


    Brad thought about what he was going to say, "Uh, it wasn''t hurt too bad, just a little beat up. Mostly Jerry was angry that it, uh," Brad stopped. He didn''t want to say it. Britina tapped the table, and Brad felt he had to keep going, "it, uh, smelled like three-week-old cheese."


    "It was five-week-old cheese," Prunhiline said. She stuffed the rest of her sandwich into her mouth.


    Brad blinked, his composure cracking. "What''s happening?" he muttered as tears welled up. "What''s going on? Am I going mad?"


    Britina touched his arm, "No, this is how life is with my wife, Prunhiline."


    Brad blinked away the tears. He thought about the words accidental, curse, squirrels, and giant skunks. He looked at the normal woman before him. She had a kind and beautiful face. Her shoulder-length blonde hair was in stark contrast to the warrior''s short, messy brown hair.


    Brad stood and bowed to the two women, "Thank you for lunch." He snapped his fingers and, in a puff of smoke, disappeared.


    "I think we broke him," Prunhiline said with her mouth full.


    "Yes, dear love, we tend to do that to sane people," Britina said, taking a small bite of her sandwich.

 Chapter 39 - Ex-Boyfriend

    The first thing Prunhiline noticed upon entering the house was the scent of herbal tea. The second was the stranger seated across from Britina at the table. Britina wore a peculiar, mischievous smile that was just shy of wicked. Prunhiline loved that smile; it meant Britina was up to no good, and no good was always fun.


    "Oh, dear love," Britina said with mock seriousness, "we have company. Allow me to introduce my ex-boyfriend." She spat the last words with venomous relish. The man became slightly uncomfortable and squirmed in his chair at her tone. This was not how he thought this day would go.


    "Ex-boyfriend?" Prunhiline echoed, strolling past them into the weapons room.


    "Yes, dear love," Britina said in a sing-song voice. She was enjoying the build-up.


    "Um..." the man began to speak but was cut off by Prunhiline.


    "The one that made you cry." A loud clang of metal was heard coming from the back room. It was the sound of a heavy weapon being pulled from its rack.


    "Yes, dear love," Britina replied sweetly, savoring the unfolding drama. Oh yes, thought Britina, today will be a good day. She didn''t usually allow herself the pleasure of being not at her best, but today was a cheat day on being a hero. Today, she wanted to be the villain.


    "The one that had you so upset that we sat on the dorm couch all night while you cried and that you could never love again?" The sound of metal being ground pierced the air. Britina knew which ax was brought out and sharpened.


    "That''s the one, dear love," Britina shouted over the noise.


    "The one I vowed to introduce to my favorite ax?" Prunhiline''s voice dripped with malice as the unmistakable screech of sharpening steel filled the air.


    "I believe you said your biggest ax, dear love." Britina smiled at her visitor.


    "Oh yeah, the biggest is my favorite!" She said with obvious glee in her voice.


    At this point, the man began to panic and rose from his chair. Britina mumbled into her tea. The unsuspecting man suddenly found himself being forcibly pushed back down. He was bound to the chair and couldn''t move.


    "Hey! Why can¡¯t I move?" the man yelped, his voice rising in panic. "I, uh, think it¡¯s time for me to go."


    "You said earlier you had all afternoon to get to know each other again," Britina said. Her wicked smile, enjoying being free for the afternoon.


    "I just remembered I have an important appointment." The man''s eyes were wide with terror! He heard a thunk of what he imagined was a weapon destroying some unsuspecting object. For a moment, his mind allowed the lingering idea that the warrior was chopping wood for the fire. The more logical side of his brain called bullshit.Love this story? Find the genuine version on the author''s preferred platform and support their work!


    "Oh? What appointment?"


    "Uh, dentist?" He whined.


    "Oh, you need to stick around for a bit." smiled Britina with just a hint of pure evil. Contrary to what many people believed, Britina had an evil side. She was careful only to use it for special occasions.


    "But she is going to kill me!" He shouted.


    Smiling a grin that didn''t hint at evil but projected it, Prunhiline walked back into the room. She carried a massive, freshly sharpened ax that gleamed ominously in the light. Britina released her spell, freeing the bewildered ex-boyfriend from his chair. Jumping up, he backed away from them slowly.


    Now free, he felt his courage return. He was a prominent businessman and knew the two renowned heroes of the realm wouldn''t kill him. He was mostly sure of that. The logical side of his brain disagreed.


    Prunhiline stood at her full height of six-foot-seven and five-quarters. She flexed her impressive muscles, showing that it would hurt when she swung her ax. A lot. She allowed the giant ax to swing like a pendulum back and forth in front of her.


    The x-boyfriend laughed and pointed at Prunhiline. "You stupid warrior, you''re holding the ax wrong." The universe sighed with pity.


    "Stupid man, I don''t think the other end will fit. But I can try." Her eyes twinkled with the thoughts of torture and mayhem she was now allowed to unleash. She knew today was a good day because Britina would let her cut loose.


    The man, pale with fright, ran, not only for his honor, but his virtue was at stake. With a warrior''s shout of glee, Prunhiline was after her prey. They both dashed out the door, one screaming in terror and the other laughing maniacally.


    From the distance came Prunhiline''s triumphant shout: "Flockox!" Britina sighed, impressed her warrior wife had almost used the word correctly. Then she shuddered at the thought of what was involved in performing a flockox.


    Britina settled into her favorite chair with a satisfied sigh, tea in hand. Today wasn¡¯t about heroics. Today was about indulging in a little well-earned chaos. She smiled at the thought of the poor man''s plight. He had some nerve breaking her heart, but even more nerve to show himself today at her home. Whatever Prunhiline decided to do, she felt he deserved every moment of it.


    Later, Prunhiline returned sweating and smiling a triumphant smile. "The coward could run!" She shouted with the excitement of the hunt.


    "Dear love, did you catch him?" Britina asked curiously; there were no bloodstains on the warrior''s armor.


    "No, the coward made it to the portal crystals before I could tackle him." Snarled Prunhiline.


    "Ah, the one disadvantage of living so close to them." Laughed Britina. "So, you didn''t pursue him?"


    "Nah," Prunhiline said, hefting her well-oiled ax with a grin. "Didn¡¯t want to explain to the city guards why the handle¡¯s so oily."


    "Oiled?" Britina asked, wondering if Prunhiline had some compassion for the ex-boyfriend.


    "Yeah, didn¡¯t want to damage the wood!" Prunhiline roared with laughter, her booming voice filling the room and Britina''s heart.


    "The neighbors complain?" Britina asked, sipping her tea.


    "Nah, the necromancer next door was cheering me on. She even shouted a few suggestions." Prunhiline laughed, "She''s a wicket old woman."


    "Not surprising considering..." Britina stopped with a slight shudder. The necromancer and her late husband were a very odd couple. They both gave her the creeps.


    Prunhiline dropped her ax onto the table before Britina and sat with a loud humph. This usually annoyed Britina, but not today. Today was a good day.


    "No axes on the table, dear love." She said half-heartedly, "You realize that if none of that had happened, then you and I would have never become so close."


    This brought a big smile to Prunhiline''s face, "So true. Maybe I should thank him someday." She grinned as the mage rolled her eyes.


    "Maybe, if he ever stops running," Britina said, smiling over her cup of tea.


    Prunhiline leaned forward with her elbows on the table. This was another behavior of the warriors that annoyed Britina, but not today. They gazed at each other for a long moment, smiled, giggled, and then they both laughed loudly.


    Today was a good day.

 Chapter 40 - Britinas Very Bad No Good Day

    For once, the house was blissfully quiet. With Prunhiline out for the day, Britina planned to savor the peace and be productive. First on the list: breakfast.


    Britina approached the kitchen with some trepidation. Prunhiline had left earlier that morning. Britina was afraid that she would walk into a major disaster in the kitchen. Prunhiline wasn''t known for her cooking or cleaning skills. She found the kitchen as pristine as she had left it the night before. This surprise reinforced her idea that it would be a wonderful day.


    Britina grabbed the frying pan hanging from the wall and placed it on the burner, letting it heat. She opened the fridge to find no demon portal waiting for her. She grabbed two eggs and a few slices of bacon and turned to the stove. No assassin lurking in the pantry, ready to pounce. Yes, today was looking good.


    Humming, Britina prepared her meal. But as she reached the stove, one rebellious slice of bacon slipped from her grasp and landed with a taunting splat. Britina frowned but considered that she still had enough for a decent breakfast. She stepped over the fallen bacon to the stove.


    She managed to get one slice of bacon into the pan and cracked the first egg, only for it to betray her, splattering its contents onto the floor. This wasn''t going to change Britina''s mood; she still had one egg and one piece of bacon. She cracked the last egg that did comply and poured it next to the single slice of bacon. One egg and one slice of bacon was still a good breakfast.


    Stepping over the egg mess, Britina forgot the treacherous bacon. One misplaced step later, she found herself sprawled on the floor, butt in the yolk. Still a good day.


    Britina slowly climbed to her feet, avoiding the evil slice of bacon. Rubbing her sore rump and regretting getting egg yolk on her hand, she grabbed a mop to clean up the mess. What egg yolk that wasn''t covering her sore butt was cleaned up from the floor, and she found the slice of bacon on the other side of the kitchen. It was promptly thrown into the trash with a few choices of unladylike words (Prunhiline''s fault for exposing her to such language).


    A sharp, burning smell pulled Britina¡¯s attention back to the stove. Her breakfast was burning. She scrambled to salvage it, throwing open the window to vent the smoke. Her bacon was extra crispy, and her eggs more so.


    Breakfast would be jam and toast. She checked the pantry: there was still no demon portal, no assassin, and, unfortunately, no jam. So, toast for breakfast.


    Britina stood at the window nibbling her toast and breathing in the fresh air. A moaning noise caused her to open her eyes and peer into her neighbor''s backyard. The neighbor''s ghoul stood watching her. He waved politely and then went back to his chores. She shivered; that thing always gave her the creeps.


    After cleaning the kitchen, Britina went to her bedroom to change out of her now dirty dress. Her only clean dress had more battle damage than fashion sense. The bottom hem was slightly undone from a fight with some nasty knolls (That, dear reader, that is another story for another day). The sleeves had a few stains and were very worn after an unfortunate altercation with a troll (Yep, you guessed it, another story, another day). But, her other suitable dresses were all dirty from the various misadventures of the week. It didn''t matter; she was staying home and studying. Best of all, she wasn''t expecting any visitors, so she didn''t need to look her best.


    Despite the morning''s setbacks, Britina resolved to have a productive day. Britina grabbed a cushion from the couch and placed it in her chair. The extra padding helped with her sore posterior.


    Britina decided it was a good time to review her notes from her last study session. She drifted into her happy place as she poured over the notes. A smile began to make its way to her lips. Ah, how she enjoyed studying theoretical magic.


    Her smile didn''t last long before it was replaced with a frown. Something was wrong. Her notes seemed to skip from one idea to another with little explanation. After ten minutes of pondering, she finally noticed a page missing. She had spent hours studying, but the critical information was missing. She put her notes away in frustration.


    It was still going to be a productive day. She could spend the rest of the quiet day working on her alchemy. After an hour of preparation, she was happy again as she mixed various chemicals. A little of this and a little of that was mixed and stirred. She checked her notes quickly, and yes, a lot of that other thing. Once she poured the blue liquid into the green, she realized it wasn''t supposed to be a lot, but a little!


    Boom! The explosion shattered a few beakers, filling the room with smoke. Britina hit the lever to open the skylight, silently cursing her oversight. There was a good reason she requested a skylight in her study. Unfortunately, it was today of all days that she needed it.


    Britina glanced at her reflection: soot-covered face, hair a tangled mess. She groaned; now she needed to wash her hair, and her study was a mess. She despised a messy study.


    After Britina cleaned her study, she collapsed onto her chair, wincing at the pain of her still sore butt. Her pillow had fallen onto the floor. She reached down to get it when there was a roar from the living room.


    Britina shot to her feet. If Prunhiline had brought home another "pet," her "wife" would discover how bad Britina''s day had been. Britina slammed open the door to the living room to not find Prunhiline standing there. Instead of her roommate, there was a large demon. This was not going to be a good day!


    You could be reading stolen content. Head to the original site for the genuine story.


    "Prunhiline!" bellowed a massive green demon, turning to face Britina. "Maiden of the plains, slayer of the¡ª"


    "Wait!" Britina raised a hand. "Spare us the full title. We¡¯ll be here all day."


    "Well, yes, it is a bit long, but¡­" The demon stammered, looking perplexed. "Wait, are you Prunhiline? I was expecting you to be, I don''t know, taller?"


    Britina sighed and composed herself. "I''m not Prunhiline. I am Lady Britina." She announced with authority and pride. Her name had been known to send foes running in fear.


    "Who?" The demon asked, confused.


    "Lady Britina!" She announced again, this time irritated.


    "I''m sorry. I don''t know much about this realm. Is Prun here?"  The demon asked to look around.


    "No, she said she had to meet someone today. What is your business with her?"  Britina growled.


    "Oh, well, that someone would be me. She challenged me to fight to the death." The demon declared with pride. "I am the Demon Lord..."


    "Of course she did." Britina interrupted him in case there was a long title. "Was this challenge to take place in my living room?" Britina was once again irritated at both the demon and the warrior.


    "Oh, no. We are supposed to meet at the arena."  The demon said, still looking about the room.


    "Then, why are you here? Were you going to walk there with her?" Britina was by now very annoyed at the demon.


    "Oh, no. I was hoping to, uh, you know, catch her here before she left."  The demon said, finally looking at the mage.


    "Really, maybe unarmed?"  Britina said, anger added to her annoyance.


    "Well, yes. That was the idea." The demon smiled evilly.


    "Wouldn''t have done you much good," Britina said with a mischievous smile.


    "Why not?" The demon asked, getting angry with this small, insignificant woman.


    "She''s very resourceful, and besides, she keeps all of her weapons here. You would have given her a reason to use more exotic ones." Britina said with a sneer.


    "Right, good point." The demon stood staring down at Britina. "You know, maybe I can demoralize her by killing her maid."


    "Maid?" Britina asked, raising one of her eyebrows. "You think I''m her maid." For a moment, Britina felt it was more accurate than she wanted to admit to the demon.


    "Well, maybe not; you do look kinda shabby."  The demon gestured to her appearance.


    Britina''s rage boiled to the top. Her day was getting worse. "I am LADY BRITINA! Mage of the¡­"


    "Yes, yes." The demon waved his hand, interrupting Brtina. "You keep saying your name. Doesn''t mean anything to me. Do you work for Prun?"  Then, the demon had the audacity to yawn.


    "I AM HER WIFE!" Shouted Britina.


    "You? Her wife? Really?"  The demon snickered, unimpressed.


    "You have a problem with that?" Britina snarled. She hated being judged for being married to the warrior. It wasn''t anyone''s concern but hers, even if it was by accident.


    "No, no! You just seem a little, uh, short." The demon shrugged, giving Britina his best smile.


    "Short!" Britina shouted. A volcano of anger surged through the mage.


    "No matter, if you are her wife, then killing you will be better!" The demon announced this as he hefted his large ax.


    Britina stopped to inspect the sizeable green demon. He was easily the same height as Prunhiline, with broad shoulders and well-defined muscles. He was a brute!


    "Kill me! KILL ME!" Britina yelled, magic crackling around her. "I fell on my ass, burned my breakfast, lost pages in my notes, blew up my study, and now, you are going to KILL ME! NOT TODAY DEMON! FLOCKOX!"


    The demon holding his ax over his head, ready to cut her in two, stopped. He wasn''t used to people ranting at him as he was prepared to kill them. Something was wrong with this small lady. He didn''t like it. And the language really disturbed him.


    "You shouldn''t use such language, young lady." The demon scolded.


    Britina unleashed her magic, her feet lifting off the floor as glowing blue runes appeared on her skin. Her eyes burned with an otherworldly light. She floated eye to eye with the demon.


    "What power." The demon whispered in awe.


    "No."  Britina''s voice was deep, causing the room to rumble. "This is only a small portion of my power. I would like for my home to stay intact."


    The demon stood in fear, staring into Britina''s glowing blue eyes. The power she was drawing was immense. He had never seen anything like it before.


    "Dark Goddess, forgive me," the demon whispered, trembling as his body unraveled. Britina tore the molecules in his body apart, leaving nothing but dust on her living room floor.


    "She will not," Britina murmured, releasing her magic and descending gracefully to the floor. Staring at the pile of dust, she sighed, "Great, more cleaning."


    Prunhiline returned later, visibly disappointed.  She entered the living room to find Britina sitting on the couch, reading one of her boring books. Not the cool ones the warrior read with sparkling werewolves and happy-go-lucky vampires.


    "How was your day, dear love?" Britina asked, looking up from her book.


    "Not so good. The demon I was supposed to vanquish didn''t show. I really wanted to add that to my title. So I played tag with some kids in the park and then took a nap. How was your day?"


    Britina thought for a moment. "Not too bad."

 Chapter 41 - The Neighbor

    A faint rapping at the door jolted Britina from her intense study of the ancient text. Reluctantly, she set aside the ancient lore, now preoccupied with the more immediate question: who could be at the door? Visitors were rare. Most people avoided them, wary of the strange events that often unfolded in their home. When Britina opened the door, she froze, stunned to see her neighbor, the necromancer, standing there.


    "Hello, dear." The older woman said very pleasantly. Her wrinkled face wore a grandmotherly smile so warm that anyone who didn¡¯t know better might mistake her for a kindly elder, not the ancient necromancer infamous for keeping a ghoul as a pet.


    "Ah, hello. Um, ah, can I help you?" Britina stammered, not knowing what to say to her odd, slightly creepy neighbor. She quickly looked behind the older woman, hoping not to see her ghoul. Thankfully, he wasn''t there.


    "Yes, dear, I was wondering, since you are a renowned mage, would you have some dragonroot that I could use? I''ll be happy to replace it tomorrow after we go to the market." The old woman wheezed in her raspy voice.


    "Dragonroot? Yes, yes, I do. Uh, please come in." Britina hesitated, unsure if inviting the old woman inside was wise, but politeness won.


    They knew little about their peculiar neighbor, and what they did know was unsettling enough to discourage further inquisitiveness. They knew she was a widow; she kept a ghoul as a pet who had a habit of screaming every night. Most importantly, she kept to herself.


    Britina led Matilda into the tearoom, where Prunhiline sat, engrossed in a strange book. Britina was curious about what she was reading but decided to wait until later to inquire. She had other pressing matters, like getting the old woman out of their house.


    Prunhiline looked up from her book and, seeing the neighbor, said, "Hey there, creepy neighbor."


    "Prunhiline, be nice!" Britina hissed at her companion.


    "Oh, I don''t mind, dear. I''ve known for several centuries that I''m creepy." She let out a crackling laugh at her joke. "By the way, dear, my name is Matilda."


    "It is a pleasure to meet you, Matilda. I''m Britina, and my rude companion is Prunhiline." Britina gestured to Prunhiline, who stayed seated and watched the old crone with intense interest.


    "Oh, dear, I know who you both are. You''re famous! I was so happy that you moved next to me." Matilda said gleefully. She seemed genuinely happy they were her neighbors.


    "Ah, yes. We haven''t really been very sociable. Sorry about that. Busy rescuing the kingdom and all that." Britina smiled with what she hoped was a sincere smile and waved her hand, hoping it helped her not look as uncomfortable as she felt.


    "Of course, dear. I''m not the sociable kind. I like to stay at home with Edward and knit," Matilda said, twitching her long, wrinkled fingers as if she was knitting.


    "Edward?" Prunhiline and Britina asked.


    "Yes, my husband. Edward," Matilda smiled, looking at the mage and then at the warrior.


    "I thought you only lived with the ghoul." Asked Prunhiline.


    "Yes, dear, that''s Edward," Matilda never stopped smiling. Her smile lept from a sad old grandmother to a maniacal crazy person.


    "Wait, you married a ghoul!" This revelation shocked Prunhiline enough that she dropped her book onto the table.


    "No, dear. He was alive when I married him. Ah, we were young and in love." Matilda sighed with a serene look as she remembered the good times in her life, which apparently were centuries ago.


    Britina smiled, "I''ve heard necromancers lived long lives, so it''s sort of romantic that he wanted to be a ghoul to be by your side after he passed. It''s sweet but creepy."


    Prunhiline made a gagging noise, and Britina shot her a glare to behave. Matilda snickered at the two.


    "Oh no, dear. He didn¡¯t want to be a ghoul," Matilda said, an ancient, sinister grin creeping across her face.


    "Then why turn him into the undead?" Britina was worried she wouldn''t enjoy the answer, but her curiosity had gotten the better of her.


    Prunhiline''s chair squeaked as she leaned back to better look at the old necromancer. This story was going to be way more interesting than her book.Ensure your favorite authors get the support they deserve. Read this novel on Royal Road.


    "Well, dear, like I said, we were young and in love. Well, I was in love, and he was young. You see, years after we were married, another woman caught his eye." Matilda frowned as the room seemed to darken. Britina had a cold chill run down their spine.


    "Ew, a woman caught his eye? Did he throw it? Gross!" Prunhiline said with far too much excitement for the story.


    "No, dear, another woman turned his head," Matilda said patiently.


    "Oh, so she broke his neck. Sweet!" Prunhiline enjoyed this story, "Did you hunt her down and get revenge?"


    "He cheated on her." Britina snapped with annoyance.


    "Oh. So you killed him!" Prunhiline added with again too much excitement.


    Britina was appalled that Prunhiline thought their neighbor murdered her husband. Adultery or not, she loved her husband and was sure there was more to the story.


    "In a word, dear, yes," Matilda said with a slight sparkle in her eyes.


    And my neighbor is a murderer, thought Britina. Not that this should surprise her with all that happens to her daily. This was a bit different; she was a murderer who kept her husband''s corpse animated and "alive" for many centuries. She wondered just how old the old necromancer was and how long they had had this odd marriage.


    "Cool!" Matilda had Prunhiline''s full attention.


    "I may have been a little heartbroken when I found out¡ªmaybe overreacted a bit. I poisoned his dinner. He suffered for hours, uh, days, maybe a week." Matilda paused, thinking, "So, yes, just overreacted a little bit." Matilda paused again, lost in her memories, and the two women didn''t want to interrupt their apparent homicidal neighbor.


    "I knew they were having their fun when I went to the market, so I prepared a surprise for her. After he died, I turned him into a ghoul. Then, on my day to go to the market, I dressed him in his finest clothes and placed him at the table with his back to the door. I left the house as normal but hid after passing her house." Matilda was showing signs of enjoying her story.


    "She was your neighbor?" Asked a startled Britina.


    "Oh, yes, dear. A hussy of a woman she was. I waited with glee until I heard her scream. It amazes me how a woman can sprint in high heels. But that hussy could run. I guess she didn''t like my Edward anymore because I never saw her again." The old necromancer cackled with a burst of high-pitched laughter.


    Britina felt that Matilda had more to do with why she didn''t see her neighbor again than she was telling. It was probably for the best not to know. In this case, knowing was losing the battle.


    "So, let me get this straight. You murdered your husband and turned him into a ghoul to get revenge on his mistress?" Prunhiline was very interested, maybe a bit too interested.


    "Well, no, dear. I turned him into a ghoul because I knew I would miss my Edward. The centuries do get lonely after a few, ya know." Matilda smiled at the couple, letting her statement sink in. She twiddled her fingers.


    "Dragonroot!" Britina exclaimed, abruptly recalling the reason for Matilda¡¯s visit. Desperate to end the conversation, she jumped up.


    "Yes, dear, if I could borrow some. I need it to resurrect Edward in the morning." Matilda said gently. The tender, grandmotherly side of her came out once again.


    "Resurrect? But he''s already undead." Said Prunhiline, "Do you have to keep resurrecting him?"


    "Well, I kill him every night. Then I miss him the next morning, and I resurrect him again." Matilda said this as if it was evident to everyone.


    Both women looked at Matilda, stunned. Prunhiline blinked a few times, contemplating how that would change her title; she wasn''t sure how that would work. Re-killer of? Britina was beyond horrified.


    With a bit of embarrassment, Matilda explained. "You see, I started killing him every night because I was still a little angry. Then, I would miss him and resurrect him the next morning. Pretty soon, we just got into a habit of it. It''s those rituals that keep the couple together, ya know." Matilda winked at the couple.


    Britina turned quickly and went to her library, where she kept ingredients for spells. She needed the neighbor to leave before she became a bad influence on Prunhiline.


    "So, you murder your husband every night and then resurrect him every morning," Prunhiline asked with awe. Maybe she could add a re-killer to her title. Re-killer of Dragons sounds nice. Even better would be the re-killer of squirrels.


    "Yes, dear." Matilda smiled gently like a sweet old grandmother who murdered her undead husband daily and resurrected him in the morning.


    "You are my hero!" Prunhiline exclaimed. Matilda cackled with laughter.


    Britina hurried back into the tearoom, clutching all the dragonroot she could find. "Here you go. Oh my, it''s getting late; you probably want to get back to murdering your husband, I mean nightly massacre. Um, ritual?" she stammered, flustered and red-faced.


    Prunhiline showed Matilda to the door. Britina had to sit down for a few minutes. Once she returned to the tearoom, she found Britina pouring a large glass of wine. The big one that was reserved for times when Prunhiline stressed her out. The glass was worn with use.


    "She''s cool. We should hang out with her more often." Prunhiline said, sitting down at the table and picking up her book.


    "No, dear love. We are not hanging out with a murderer." Britina scowled.


    "But, Bri, we kill people all the time," Prunhiline pointed out.


    "No, dear love. We kill bad people who hurt others. Mostly." Britina had to pause at the last word; there were a few times they had mistaken a kind of scary-looking monster as the villain and not the innocent-looking little girl (Yes, Dear Reader, that is another story for another day).


    Prunhiline sat down on the couch and returned to her book. After several glasses of wine, Britina started to relax and forget the ordeal so much for a relaxing day at home.


    "Dear love, I meant to ask, what are you reading?" Britina leaned forward to see the book.


    "Oh, this, it''s the newest Dusk book. It''s called New Sunset." Prunhiline said, excited to share her favorite novel.


    "Aren''t those the trashy romance novels?" Britina was always surprised by her companion''s reading preferences. Prunhiline wasn''t the romantic kind of Amazon warrior, but she did have her moments.


    "Oh, Yeah. After hearing our neighbor''s story, I''ll be disappointed in the ending. The ghoul in this story doesn''t compare. Besides, ghouls don''t sparkle." She said with some disappointment.

 Chapter 42 - THE ASSASSIN - How a Giant Warrior and Assassin Became Besties

    There was a bang, a puff of smoke, and a faint sizzle as the man in black materialized in Prunhiline and Britina¡¯s kitchen. While unusual, it wasn¡¯t shocking; men dressed in black showed up about once a month. They rarely lingered if someone was home; if not, they usually left a note.


    ¡°Tremble before me, Britina of the Sixth Circle, for I am¡­¡± He bellowed, oozing confidence and drama. This assassination, he decided, would be one for the textbooks.


    ¡°Fifth Circle,¡± Prunhiline corrected calmly. This was the second assassin this week. At least he hadn¡¯t shown up during her bath, like the last one. That had been infuriating not just because of the intrusion but because her bath was interrupted. She didn''t want Britina to know, but she was starting to enjoy the big tub they had installed. And her new toys were fun to play with. She did appreciate those considerate enough to confine the mess to the bathroom.


    ¡°Um, I¡¯m sorry,¡± the man stammered. This wasn¡¯t going as expected. Usually, his sudden appearances prompted screaming, fainting, or at least a gasp of alarm. The least she could do was yell, ''Oh no, a strange man in my kitchen!'' or something.


    ¡°Fifth Circle,¡± Prunhiline corrected, not looking up from her task. ¡°She got promoted after the dwarven incident, which wasn¡¯t my fault.¡± Washing dishes clearly took priority over random assassins.


    ¡°Oh, uh, let me start over,¡± the man said, drawing a deep breath to regain his composure. ¡°TREMBLE BEFORE ME¡­¡± He hesitated mid-roar. ¡°Wait, you¡¯re not Britina, are you?¡± This was nothing like he¡¯d imagined: no dramatic magic, flashy acrobatics, daggers, and certainly no death. His confidence wavered. He could already picture this encounter in the assassin training textbook under the chapter What Not to Do. He used to laugh at that chapter. He really didn¡¯t want to star in it.


    ¡°No,¡± Prunhiline said casually, scrubbing furiously at the dish. She couldn¡¯t let Britina see evidence of her latest cooking disaster. Britina always fussed when she tried to ¡°cook.¡± At least this time, there was no summoned demon or accidental portal to an elder god¡¯s lair. The last elder god had been particularly miffed when she interrupted his bath. ¡°Stupid elder gods, stupid demons, stupid sandwiches,¡± she muttered.


    ¡°Oh, sorry, sir. I¡¯m looking for Britina, Magi of the, uh¡­ Sixth?¡± The assassin¡¯s confidence faltered. Was he at the wrong house again? He shuddered, recalling the horrors next door. That neighbor¡¯s fashion choices would haunt him for weeks. Ghouls shouldn¡¯t wear that. He made a mental note to research poisons that induced memory loss in case therapy didn''t work.


    ¡°Ma¡¯am,¡± Prunhiline corrected, irritation creeping into her tone. The man annoyed her, but not nearly as much as the cursed stain on this dish. A celebrated warrior of the plains and a slayer of monsters, she was losing a battle to a plate.


    ¡°Excuse me?¡± The man asked, confused.


    ¡°I¡¯m a woman, not a man. You call me Ma¡¯am, but really, I¡¯d rather you just call me Prun.¡± Prunhiline said as she continued to scrub the dish with more vigor. The stain refused to come out, and Britina would be home soon! ¡°I shouldn¡¯t have used the fancy dish.¡± Mumbled Prunhiline to herself and possibly the dish. If she ever got three wishes, she would wish away all fancy dishes and squirrels; she hated squirrels.


    ¡°Oh, well. Sorry. I¡¯m used to women being more, well, female.¡± This made the man more nervous than he felt it should. He didn¡¯t like discussing how women should be.


    ¡°What?¡± The dish was winning the battle, but Prunhiline wasn¡¯t willing to give up yet. She would add a ¡°cleaner of dishes¡± to her long title, possibly at the beginning. The order of a plains person¡¯s title was ordered by the most dangerous creature defeated or a remarkable feat accomplished. ¡°Cleaner of dishes¡± would come before a dragon, a werewolf, and a squirrel who was quite fierce.


    ¡°Well, you don¡¯t exactly have¡­ you know¡­ breasts and your haircut''s, uh, not feminine. And you¡¯re huge. What are you, six-five? Plus, those muscles!¡± The assassin seemed more impressed than alarmed by her sheer size and muscular build.


    ¡°Six-seven,¡± Prunhiline snapped, scrubbing the plate with renewed vigor. ¡°And yes, I have muscles and breasts. Women can have both. They¡¯re just under the armor!¡± The assassin officially annoyed her, but the cursed dish demanded her full focus. Clean the fancy dish; everything else could wait. This was her only priority.


    ¡°Oh, um, sorry. Look, does Britina live here?¡± The man asked, slightly confused about the dishes, the mess, and the overall warzone-like kitchen he had found himself in. He had seen murder scenes that were less messy and more appetizing.


    ¡°Yes,¡± she said, scrubbing harder, hoping not to rub off the fancy design.


    ¡°Is she around?¡± He asked, hopefully.


    ¡°Who¡¯s asking?¡± The dish was winning, and she wasn¡¯t happy.


    ¡°I am, MORFARK THE ASSASSIN! I am here to kill Britina for the Dark Circle!¡± The words echoed around what was once a lovely kitchen. Morfark was proud of his introduction.


    ¡°Right, Morfart. How did you do that with your voice?¡± Prunhiline asked, impressed with his introduction.


    ¡°It¡¯s Morfark, with a ¡®k,¡¯ not a ¡®t.¡¯ What did I do?¡± The man hated it when people said his name wrong. This man/woman was annoying him. Her dishwashing wasn¡¯t helping his agitation.


    ¡°You made it sound like it was all capital letters,¡± Prunhiline commented. She contemplated how she could buy new dishes and possibly a new kitchen before Britina came home. Neither were good options for her.


    ¡°Oh, they taught us that in assassin¡¯s school. You have to lower your voice and really project it. I was first in my class!¡± Morfark said with pride. He was very good at introductions and got an award for it.


    ¡°Very cool. She¡¯s not here.¡± A plan started to form in Prunhiline¡¯s mind. She could kill the assassin with the fancy dishes. The blood might cover a little of the mess. But, no, she made a deal with Britina that she wouldn¡¯t kill any more assassins in the house unless they interrupted her bath. (Hello, Dear Reader, rampages aren''t no longer allowed in the house) She could drag him to the tub, but that wouldn¡¯t cover up the kitchen. Maybe she could convince Britina she was bathing in the kitchen sink, but no, Prunhiline knew she wouldn¡¯t fit, and Bitina wouldn¡¯t believe her.


    Stolen content warning: this tale belongs on Royal Road. Report any occurrences elsewhere.


    ¡°When will she be back?¡± Morfark was now concerned by the tall warrior''s intense stare. She seemed to be in serious contemplation. It made him feel as if he would die a horrible death, such as being killed by dishware.


    ¡°Hopefully not soon.¡± Sighed Prunhiline. ¡°Look, I¡¯m kinda busy. Could you come back later? Maybe next week or next month. You can leave her a note, and she might get back with you.¡± Prunhiline shrugged, knowing that Britina wouldn¡¯t get back to him.


    ¡°Well, I¡¯m not due back to the temple until nightfall. Could I maybe stick around?¡± The assassin tried but failed at sounding like he was begging. He looked around the ¡°kitchen¡± and couldn¡¯t find a clean chair. ¡°If I left her a note, do you think she would get back with me?¡± He looked up and inspected the interesting splatter patterns on the ceiling.


    ¡°No, she would incinerate it with her magic,¡± Prunhiline said, hoping to give the assassin a hint to leave.


    ¡°Look, what happened here? Was this some arcane demonic spell gone horribly wrong? Was a demon horde slaughtered here?¡± As the man asked, he began worring about his safety, but for the wrong reasons.


    ¡°Not this time, thankfully, I wanted a sandwich. Why do you think I¡¯m wearing my full armor in the kitchen?¡± The warrior said with some embarrassment.


    ¡°But, this¡­ this is¡­ ¡° The man sputtered, ¡°A sandwich? Armor?¡± He started to worry less about his safety and more about his sanity. The horrid neighbor and now this! He decided he needed to add to the chapter in the assassin¡¯s textbook on ¡°What can go wrong.¡± The chapter desperately needed an update.


    ¡°Look, if you stick around, you clean. That¡¯s the deal.¡± Prunhiline declared firmly.


    Morfark looked around, down and up; this was a big mess. He looked at the warrior and nodded yes. He didn¡¯t know what else to do.


    ¡°Can you cook? I¡¯m hungry.¡± Prunhiline asked as her stomach rumbled.


    ¡°Um, Yes,¡± Morfark said.


    The neighbor¡¯s ghoul let out his regular nightly wail as the sun dipped below the horizon. Morfark, the assassin, and Prunhiline, the warrior, sat sipping tea that Morfark made for them. This was the sight that Britina saw when she entered the sitting room of her home.


    ¡°I¡¯m home, dear love. Who¡¯s your¡­ friend?¡± Britina asked cautiously.


    ¡°Oh, my dear lady, let me introduce myself. I AM MORFARK THE ASSASSIN!¡± he pronounced again with high confidence and a little satisfaction. His teachers would be proud.


    ¡°Bri! Check this out. He taught me how to say my words in capital.¡± She took a deep breath and proclaimed, ¡°I AM PRUNHILINE, WARRIOR OF THE PLAINS¡­¡±


    Britina interrupted, ¡°Very good, Prunhiline. But, dear love, we will be here all night if you say your full title.¡± Britina paused, then asked, ¡°Assassin? For her or me?¡± she directed this routine question to Morfark, THE ASSASSIN.


    ¡°Oh, uh, you must be Britina?¡± Morfark asked, standing and extending his hand to shake.


    ¡°I am,¡± Britina said, shaking his hand. She liked the polite assassins but had more enjoyment in killing the arrogant ones.


    ¡°Well, then, you.¡± He smiled. It was a pleasant, non-threatening smile as he released her hand.


    ¡°Very well, shall we step outside? I would rather we not make a mess of my sitting room.¡± Britina sighed. She hated messes in her house, especially the messes executing assassins make. The ones that panic make the biggest messes, splattering blood all over the rooms and leaving bloody handprints everywhere. The beggars at least contain the mess to where they are kneeling.


    ¡°Maybe another day, my dear. I have to be getting back to the dark temple. I¡¯ll show myself out.¡± As he walked to the door, he commented over his shoulder, ¡°Hey, Prun, are we hitting the jousting tournament next week? I have a good feeling that the match between Sir Finkelberry and Sir Brute will be good.¡±


    ¡°Sure, Morfark. Sir Finkelberry is a beast; I¡¯m a big fan! I¡¯ll see you then.¡± Prunhiline said with excitement as the assassin left.


    Once the man had left, Britina sat in her favorite chair. ¡°So, Morfart?¡±


    ¡°Morfark, with a ¡®k,¡¯ not a ¡®t,¡¯¡± Prunhiline said, still smiling.


    ¡°Right, dear love, Morfark. He was here to assassinate me?¡± Britina watched Prunhiline happily eat another sandwich left on the table. Something began to bother Britina.


    ¡°Yep!¡± Prunhiline said as she attacked the finger sandwich, devouring it with glee.


    ¡°Dear love? What are you eating?¡± Britina asked, realizing what was bothering her. ¡°Where did the sandwiches come from?¡± They didn¡¯t look like what became of a sandwich when Prunhiline attempted to make one. She also forbid Prunhiline from cooking unsupervised or otherwise.


    ¡°Morfark made them and the tea. Want some? The tea''s not bad, and the sandwiches are great.¡± Prunhiline said with a hint of guilt.


    ¡°You are eating a sandwich and drinking tea made by an assassin sent here to kill me?¡± Britina wasn¡¯t surprised as Prunhiline nodded with her mouth full of food. ¡°And you want me to partake?¡±


    Prunhiline paused momentarily, attempting to figure out the correct answer to the question. Finally, she settled on a smile and a shrug. ¡°Sure, it¡¯s good.¡±


    ¡°It is probably better than you attempting to cook,¡± Britina said, getting up from her chair. Prunhiline stuffed more food into her mouth. ¡°I take it you had as much of an eventful day as I had. Demon hordes and an assassin waiting for me at home, what a day! I think I need more than tea to go with the sandwich.¡± Prunhiline choked on her finger food as Britina walked into the kitchen.


    ¡°WHAT HAPPENED TO MY KITCHEN???¡± Britina shouted.


    ¡°Hey, Bri! You can do the capital letters thing, too! Cool!¡±

 Chapter 43 - Prunhiline Learns to Cuss

    Prunhiline hefted her massive war hammer while Britina stood behind her, quietly reciting a spell. Before them loomed a giant green dragon, its malevolent eyes gleaming. They had come to stop its reign of terror over the countryside.


    Prunhiline grinned in anticipation of the battle while the dragon, a creature incapable of truly grinning, regarded them with what might pass for amusement. It appreciated that its next meal would be delivered right to its lair.


    "Flockox!" Prunhiline bellowed, raising her war hammer high as she prepared to charge the waiting beast. She loved her new warcry, a mysterious phrase an old man at the tavern had assured her would strike fear into her enemies¡¯ hearts.


    "What?" Britina asked, glancing up from her spellcasting with a look of bewilderment. She wasn''t prepared for Prunhiline''s new warcry. Mostly, the warrior screamed as loud as she could as she jumped into action. The warrior''s piercing scream was the mage''s warning that hell was about to break loose.


    "Flockox!" Prunhiline roared again, her manic grin widening. Surely, Britina must be impressed by such a powerful warcry.


    "What are you saying?" Britina demanded.


    "It''s my new warcry!" Prunhilne yelled over her shoulder.


    "What does it mean?" Britina asked, worried that it was inappropriate. Prunhiline shrugged as she bounced from foot to foot, ready to do battle. She wanted less talking and more killing.


    "You don''t know what it means! Don''t use it!" Hissed Britina.


    "Do you?" Prunhiline asked with curiosity. It was such a great word. She wanted to use it correctly.


    "Well, no, but it sounds offensive." She said with some worry.


    "I want it to be offensive! Flockox!" Prunhiline shouted, twisting her body and bending her knees, ready to leap into action.


    "Stop saying words that you don''t know the meaning of!" Britina shouted with frustration.


    "Um, ladies, can we get this over with?" The dragon snarled with a wisp of smoke curling from his nostrils. He wanted to finish lunch (them) and get back to counting his gold from his last raid on the surrounding villages. Talkative lunch was the worst. Princesses, in particular, were notorious for it.


    "Just a moment, Mr. Dragon," Britina said as politely as she could to the dragon that was planning to eat them. Turning to Prunhiline, "Dear love, you don''t know what it means. It could be very offensive to dragons." She pointed at the dragon, who was showing signs of confusion.


    "You mean the dragon we came to kill!" Prunhiline said with frustration, also pointing to the dragon.


    The dragon¡¯s irritation grew as he was ignored and pointed at repeatedly. It struck him as rude for his lunch to act so dismissively. Though tempted to devour them outright, he hesitated; interrupting their argument felt equally discourteous. His mother taught him never to be rude. Also, he wanted a workout to burn off the calories he was about to consume. The tall one looked lean, but the short one could have more calories.


    "Yes, dear love," Britina said with annoyance. "No need to offend him as well as kill him."


    "We could kill him by being offensive!" Prunhiline shouted, making the dragon and the mage roll their eyes.


    "It¡¯s not actually offensive to dragons," the dragon interjected, deciding to abandon courtesy. "I mean, it¡¯s not something we can physically do, so why would we be offended?"


    "Please don''t encourage her!" Britina hissed with annoyance.


    "Oh, what''s it mean?" Now that Prunhiline was curious, she wasn''t about to leave it alone. It was not unlike a small child asking their parents embarrassing questions. In this case, a six-foot-seven child-like warrior who could kill with a fork and spoon. (That Dear Reader is a messy story for another day.)


    "Um, well¡­ You see, it, um, refers to.." The dragon spurted and began to blush or, as best a dragon can blush. Britina took some amusement that the dragon was now on the hot seat of Prunhiline''s embarrassing questions. It was more fun watching than participating.Enjoying the story? Show your support by reading it on the official site.


    "You don''t know!" The warrior yelled with amusement. "Mr. I''m a Smarty Dragon doesn''t know either!"


    Her taunts aggravated the dragon. He snarled with smoke curling from his nostrils, "Of course I do! You are the one who''s using the word and doesn''t know what it means!"


    "I''m not sure, Mr. Dragon. You seem to have a difficult time telling us." Britina said with a sly smile. It was also fun taunting him.


    "It''s just, well, you are ladies." The dragon sounded a bit embarrassed by this statement. His mother taught him to eat princesses but never offend them, even when the princess used foul language. Princesses are notorious for their cussing skills, especially the last one. That one caused him to be in therapy.


    Now, he was faced with two women who wanted him to use foul language. He wasn''t sure what his mother would think.


    "Does that mean we are incapable of vulgar language?" Britina asked with a bit of venom in her voice. She personally knew a few princesses and knew better. "Are women inferior to you? All lunch but no substance? Well, Mr. Dragon?" She taunted.


    "Um... No?" The dragon was cornered physically and metaphorically. He liked the princesses who begged not to be eaten; these two weren''t princesses, which made him uncomfortable. Equal rights wasn''t his normal dinner conversation, and his dinner was making it difficult to enjoy eating them.


    "Then what''s the problem?" Frowned Prunhiline. She needed to know what it meant. It must be a great word if a dragon was afraid to use it.


    "You see, Mother said never to use such language around ladies." The dragon appeared to be blushing. "She said, eat the princess, don''t be tasteless, and offend her. An offended princess has a bitter taste." The dragon attempted a smile, sharing his mother''s words of wisdom, but realized his dinner wasn''t amused. The two women stared at him blankly, making him tap his claws together in a nervous tick.


    "Well, Mr. Dragon, that is nice of you. But I would love to know what this word means. I am a mage and a scholar, and I promise not to be offended. How about you whisper it to me?" Britina offered, now back to being amused.


    "Hey! That''s not fair. I want to know." Prunhiline shouted. She had forgotten they were about to battle a dragon and promptly turned her back to the creature. She glared at Britina.


    "I am a scholar!" Britina demanded. "I will know what this word means, and then I will decide whether you will know it or not. I can''t have you running around yelling nasty things offending liches, demons, and orcs." Britina stomped her foot for good measure.


    "But I like offending orcs." Prunhiline pouted. "They don''t mind. It''s the forks they mind."


    "Um... Ok." The dragon was confused. "I''ll whisper it, but you promise not to be offended." He leaned forward and whispered into Britina''s ear.


    The blush that appeared on her face spread very quickly with the intent to cover her entire body. "That''s not physically possible!" She yelled in a panic.


    "You see, if you bend over and twist¡­." The dragon explained, shrugging his shoulders, hoping the conversation would end soon.


    "Stop!" Cried Britina in frustration. The image made her toes blush. It would take days for her little toe to return to its normal color.


    "Well?" Demanded Prunhiline. She wanted to know what the word meant but also wanted to get to the stabby, stabby, boom, boom, kill the dragon part.


    "Dear love, please kill the dragon. Now!" Britina wanted the creature gone. She would never forget what that cursed word meant.


    "But I wanna know!" Whined the warrior, putting down her war hammer.


    "No!" Britina yelled. She took a deep breath to calm herself and said, "When you are older, dear love, much, much older."


    "Look, I told you it was offensive." The dragon said, feeling shame at using such horrid language around a lady. Most princesses cussed at him once they knew they would be lunch. He had learned some interesting words from a few, including the word in question. He had to stop lunch to ask what it meant.


    "Yes, Mr. Dragon, you did. I apologize for putting you in that difficult situation." Britina said. She had her eyes closed and was working on calming her raging blush. Most of her toes had finally returned to a normal color, but her ankles and little toes were holding out.


    "I hate to say this, but I''m hungry. I don''t usually converse this much with lunch." The dragon said. The word lunch brought Prunhiline out of her pout.


    "Lunch! What are you having? I''m starving." Prunhiline asked, excited at the prospect of food.


    "Well," The dragon looked slightly embarrassed, "You."


    This brought Britina and Prunhiline back to their battle stance. Prunhiline raised her war hammer and smiled. Battle made her hungrier, and dragon steak was pretty good. "We''ll see who eats who, dragon!" Prunhiline snarled.


    The dragon had had enough of this. He roared and blew fire from his mouth. Britina cast her REPEL spell as Prunhiline rolled to the dragon''s left. The fire bounced back into the dragon''s face, blinding him momentarily. Prunhiline leaped into the air, screaming in a battle frenzy with her war hammer over her head. The hammer came down hard onto the dragon''s skull.


    The dragon roared in pain as he felt his skull crack. This was not how lunch was supposed to go, he thought. He swung his spiked tail, attempting to knock both women off their feet. Britina cast her SHIELD spell that blocked his tail sweep. This made the dragon slip on his gold, and he fell.


    The dragon scrambled for footing, but the slippery gold coins betrayed him. As he faltered, Britina cast BLIND LIGHT, leaving him blinded and disoriented. The last thing he heard was Prunhiline¡¯s triumphant "Flockox!" followed by a sickening crunch. What a way to go, death by an offensive lunch.


    "Victory!" Shouted Britina, raising her arms.


    "Flockox!" Shouted Prunhiline, shaking her war hammer over her head.


    Britina dropped her arms and sighed. It was going to be a long journey home.

 Chapter 44 - Rate It

    Morfark, the assassin, invited his closest friends, Prunhiline and Britina, to dinner. He enjoyed sitting and conversing with both of them. The pub he chose suited them perfectly. Britina could savor her fine wine, while Prunhiline could indulge in her beloved cheap ale.


    ¡°Thank you for inviting us,¡± Britina said, sipping her wine. ¡°It¡¯s nice to unwind with good wine and good company.¡± She held her glass up, toasting her host.


    ¡°And with you, that is always true, Lady Britina,¡± Morfark said as he raised his glass in a return toast. They had ordered a good vintage wine sold exclusively by the pub, which had partnered with some entrepreneurial satyrs who loved wine as much as they loved gold.


    Prunhiline wrinkled her nose. ¡°What you need is a good ale,¡± she said, raising her mug. ¡°Come on, Morfark, drink with me. It¡¯ll put hair on your chest! And you need all that you can get!¡±


    Morfark laughed, ¡°Sure, I¡¯ll be happy to drink with you too.¡± He singled for the bartender, who brought over a large tankard of ale. He saluted Prunhiline with his mug and took a long pull from it. Prunhiline laughed and did the same. They slammed their mugs down together.


    Suddenly, Prunhiline¡¯s eyes crossed as she unleashed a thunderous belch, cutting through the pub¡¯s din. The bartender paused mid-pour, and nearby patrons erupted in cheers.


    Prunhiline laughed, ¡°That¡¯s a five.¡± She held up her hand, showing five fingers.


    Morfark rolled his eyes, then unleashed an equally thunderous belch. ¡°That¡¯s easily a six,¡± he said smugly, sticking his tongue out at Prunhiline.


    Britina shook her head, ¡°Children.¡± Morkark and Prunhiline laughed.Stolen content alert: this content belongs on Royal Road. Report any occurrences.


    Another round arrived. The rivals exchanged wicked grins before downing their ales in record time. Slamming their mugs down, they belched in unison to the roar of the pub.


    ¡°Seven!¡± Shouted Prunhiline.


    ¡°Ah, that was a six for me again.¡± Morfark laughed, shaking his head.


    More ales were brought over. Now, the pub was cheering them on. They chugged the ales and slammed the mug down. The pub became quiet, waiting for the burst of gas.


    Prunhiline released a loud belch, and the pub shouted, ¡°Eight!¡±


    Morkark released his with the pub shouting, ¡°Eight!¡±


    ¡°A tie!¡± Prunhilne said, ¡°Again!¡±


    More ales were brought over. More chugging and (yes, you guessed it) more belching. The crowd was now shouting ¡°Chug, chug, chug!¡±


    Morfark went first with a good, solid bass. The pub cheered with ¡°Nine!¡± He stood up, pumping his fists in the air.


    Prunhiline felt it churning in her gut, and she released too quickly, and the burp didn¡¯t have enough force. The pub booed, ¡°Seven!¡±


    ¡°What?¡± Prunhilne shouted, ¡°It was a good one.¡±


    ¡°Not good enough!¡± Morfark laughed.


    Britina rolled her eyes with a frown and said, ¡°Juveniles. Both of you are juveniles.¡± Neither paid any attention.


    More ales were brought with more belching by the contestants. The pub was taking money on who would reach a ten first.


    Prunhiline felt this was the time to rise to the occasion. She released the Kraken of Belches. The pub cheered with a ¡°Nine!¡± Prunhiline stood with her arms above her head and let out a cheer.


    Morfark knew the pride of his assassin¡¯s order was on the line. Summoning all his might, he unleashed the most epic belch of his life. The pub erupted, shouting, ¡°Nine!¡± He stood, triumphant, arms raised in victory.


    Morfark and Prunhiline started each other down. ¡°This one''s it!¡± they said together.


    They sat as more ales were brought and more cheering from the pub. The contestants stared into each other¡¯s eyes. This was the one. This would be the last round. They tipped back their tankards and guzzled the ale. Slamming the mugs down, they glared at each other. The feeling of the gas rising was immense.


    The belch was enormous. The loudest sound the city had ever heard. The windows for the pub rattled. Dogs hid under beds. Some said it lasted for five minutes. Others said it was heard in the dwarven kingdom. But all agreed it was the mother of all belches.


    Britina stood as she raised her tankard high, grinning as she declared, ¡°Twelve, bitches!¡±


    The pub went wild.

 Chapter 45 - Safe Word

    "It''s kind of the Captain to let you train with the town guards," Britina said, tucking the last item into her satchel.


    "Yeah, I''ve got a great idea for a training session, but I need more than a few warriors to help with it," Prunhiline said with more excitement than Britina wanted to hear.


    "More? You mean, like two?" Britina asked, pausing mid-pack.


    "Nah, more like twenty!" Prunhiline hoisted her massive war hammer over her shoulder with ease.


    "Ah, well, then, have fun." Britina said, now more worried about the town''s guards, "I''m meeting with the Grand Wizard today. I''m excited that he considers me one of his acolytes."


    "Hey, I got a great joke you can tell him." Prunhiline began to laugh, "What do you call two orcs¡­."


    "No, dear love, I won''t pass along a joke for you. You can tell him yourself the next time you see him." Britina''s skin wouldn''t survive the blush that would happen if she repeated a joke from the warrior.


    When Prunhiline first met the Grand Wizard, she¡¯d told him a wildly inappropriate joke. To Britina¡¯s horror, not only had the wizard laughed like a madman, but he¡¯d told an equally outrageous one in return. The two became fast friends, much to the continued dismay of everyone, especially Britina.


    "Yeah, you don''t do a good punch line delivery anyway." Prunhline quipped as she opened the door to leave. She looked back at Britina, "Hey, have a great day, and tell the old fart I said hi." Prunhiline grinned.


    "Thank you, dear love. I will certainly have a good day, and I will not tell him hi for you." Britina smirked at the now laughing Prunhiline.


    ''Old fart'' was the nickname Prunhline had given the Grand Wizard after their first meeting. One of the greatest wizards of the age and possibly of all time loved it.


    ---


    At the training grounds, Prunhiline¡¯s towering six-foot-seven frame dwarfed nearly every guard present. Captain Adurn hated having to look up at her but couldn¡¯t deny her formidable skills. He also had many reservations about her training with them, but the King felt it would help the men if they trained with the chaotic warrior. As the King said, "What better way to be ready for an emergency than to train with who will cause the emergency?"


    "This is a terrible idea," said Captain Adurn to the air.


    "What was that captain?" Asked his second in command.


    "Nothing, I need to go meet with the King. You are in charge, and please try to keep her out of trouble." The Captain ordered.


    His second in command saluted, "No promises, sir, but I''ll do my best."


    ---


    "Good morning, my lady." Wheezed the Grand Wizard.


    "Good morning, Grand Wizard," Britina said with a curtsey.


    "How''s your new home?"


    "Wonderful. I would like to formally thank you for your help in locating a suitable community."


    The Grand Wizard waved his hand with some embarrassment, "No need. I thought it was best that you and your lovely wife had a nice home not too far but not too close either. And I know how hard it was for you to find an accepting community," The old wizard winked.


    Britina blushed, "Yes, I understand. My, uh, lovely wife can be, uh¡­."


    "A disaster wrapped in a hurricane wrapped in a blizzard put in a sack with angry tigers and a squirrel then hit with a stick." The old wizard laughed.


    Britina blinked at the accuracy of the statement and gave the old wizard her best fake smile. What was it with the two of them and squirrels?


    ---


    The sounds of men in extreme combat could be heard throughout the castle. Captain Adurn was smiling as he made his way to the training grounds. The King had reassured him that all would be fine and that his men could handle the warrior. It made him proud that the King felt his men were battle-ready. Captain Adurn''s smile grew bigger, knowing the kingdom was safe from any threat. Even the bad news he had to deliver to his men wouldn''t damper his good mood.


    "I WANT MY DOLLY!"


    The Captain was startled by what he heard. His smile ran away. It sounded like a grown man yelling from the guard''s training grounds. He hurried towards the grounds with a growing concern for his men.


    "I WANT MY DOLLY!"


    This made the Captain break out into a mad dash. He didn''t like that men were crying in the direction of the training grounds. What was happening to his men? Were they under attack by some crazed wizard, dragon, ogre, or strange creature? Why were they yelling they wanted their dolly?


    "I WANT MY DOLLY!"


    A thought hit him, and fear gripped the Captain as he rounded the last corner to the entrance. He knew what it was, and it wasn''t good for his men. This wasn''t a wizard but something far, far worse. He ran into his second in command as he dashed into the courtyard. There, he saw HER surrounded by his men. Several were already on the ground, covering their heads.The author''s narrative has been misappropriated; report any instances of this story on Amazon.


    Prunhiline!


    More men dropped to the ground, shouting, "I WANT MY DOLLY!"


    Prunhiline swung an enormous war hammer, laughing like she had gone mad. The sight made Captain Adurn cringe with dread; armageddon was happening.


    He grabbed his second-in-command''s shoulders and shouted, "Get Britina!"


    "Oh, no, sir." The soldier responded, his voice unsteady and fearful. "This was a training exercise that Prunhiline wanted us to try."


    "I WANT MY DOLLY!"


    "What kind of training is this?" Captain Adurn watched as more of his men rushed the warrior.


    "She called it one v twenty, sir. We rush her, and she, well, she smacks us down. She''s really enjoying herself, uh, sir." The second said.


    "I WANT MY DOLLY!"


    Adurn''s eyes grew big as he watched more of his elite men duck and cower. "Why are they yelling that?"


    "Safeword, sir. The men required it. You know how she gets, and they were concerned for their safety and sanity."


    "I WANT MY DOLLY!"


    "Why are they yelling that then? Why not hold or yield, or even I give up would be better!" Captain Adurn couldn''t decide to be ashamed, impressed, or outraged. He settled on all three.


    "Prunhiline''s idea. She said they could have a safe word if she could pick it." The second said, stepping back, hoping it wasn''t his turn.


    Captain Adurn watched in shame as the one lone warrior dispatched all of his men. He felt tears begin to form in his eyes until he saw the new recruit. Captain Adurn''s heart leaped with a joy he hadn''t felt in years.


    The new recruit was a barbarian from the mountains. He stood at six foot eight, a smidge taller than Prunhiline but much broader and more muscular. Adurn didn''t wish any ill will on the warrior, but he would enjoy seeing her lose at least once. And since she humiliated his men, today would be a good day for it.


    Prunhiline smiled at her next victim, "Ah, you must be new. This is going to be fun!"


    The big man bellowed a mighty war cry and raised his large club over his head. He rushed toward the tall warrior who prepared herself for combat. The club met the war hammer with a loud thud. The first attack was deflected, but Prunhiline had lost some ground. With her eyes fierce, she swung her weapon over her head. Her war hammer slammed into the club, pushing back the barbarian.


    Captain Adurn and his men gathered close to watch the battle in safety. Many of the men were cheering for their new comrade, the barbarian. Others were more cautious, hoping not to anger the warrior. A small few were cheering for Prunhiline. They remembered how often she had saved them from death.


    The mighty combatants clashed with glee. Both were happy to have an actual battle to fight. Prunhiline enjoyed opponents who could hold their own against her. The barbarian wanted to take down the warrior. His reputation would explode when he defeated her.


    The barbarian''s club bounced off Prunhiline''s hammer without striking her arm.


    "Ow! Hey, I felt that." Prunhiline laughed. She was enjoying the warm-up.


    "You¡¯ll feel worse than that by the time I¡¯m through with you, little girl!" the barbarian growled, his voice thick with arrogance.


    "Little girl?" Prunhiline, Captain Adurn, and every guard echoed in unison. A heavy silence blanketed the training grounds. Pruhiline stopped smiling. The men all said a silent prayer to all of the gods for the soon-to-be fallen comrade. The gods laughed.


    The barbarian swung down his great club as Prunhiline knelt, planting the hilt of her war hammer into the ground. The club made contact with the war hammer, jarring the barbarian. Prunhline stepped forward, slamming the head of the hammer into the barbarian''s face. There was a loud crack as his nose was broken.


    The barbarian dropped his club to hold his now broken nose. Seizing the moment, Prunhiline grabbed the barbarian and flipped him effortlessly over her shoulder. The barbarian landed on his back with a loud bang. Prunhiline flipped the man over and grabbed his right wrist. She pulled his arm back and twisted hard.


    The barbarian yelled out a loud, high-pitched scream. "I WANT MY DOLLY!" He began to cry.


    "Wow, you scream like a little girl," Prunhiline said, her voice dripping with mockery as she towered over him.


    "ENOUGH!" Shouted Captain Adurn.


    Prunhiline let the barbarian go. He rolled into a ball and stuck his thumb into his mouth. The Captain shook his head and gestured for his men to help the poor, broken man.


    "I think this is enough training for today. Would you mind if I walked you home? I need to speak with Lady Britina about a new ordinance." Captain Adurn took one final look at the chaos around him and followed Prunhiline out of the courtyard.


    ---


    "You are an exceptional student, Lady Britina," Said the Grand Wizard, "you will make a fine addition to our order."


    "Thank you, Grand Wizard," Britina said, blushing from the compliment.


    "I think this is enough for today," the Grand Wizard said, giving the young mage a warm smile. "From the sounds today and the lack of them now, I''d say your wife had fun."


    Britina sighed. She had almost left her session to help the poor guards, but the Grand Wizard stopped her. "Yes, she can be... Excitable."


    "I enjoy my time with her. She has colorful humor," this comment made Britina''s blush turn from pride to shame. The Grand Wizard didn''t notice and continued," Say, mind passing along a joke for me. What do you call two orcs¡­."


    Britina stood up quickly, almost knocking over her chair, "Thank you for today''s session, Grand Wizard." Her face was red with embarrassment.


    The Grand Wizard let out a wheezy laugh, "Well, then, have a good evening and say hi to your wife for me."


    Britina gave the Grand Wizard a curtsey and said, "I will certainly have a good evening, and I will not tell her hi for you."


    The Grand Wizard laugh''s echoed throughout the tower.


    ---


    Captain Adurn only half-listened to Prunhiline as they walked to her home. A few things he caught caused him to be concerned. Hearing Prunhiline talk about weapons of mass destruction would cause him to have nightmares. He was very thankful when they finally entered her home.


    "Bri! You missed all the fun! The training was awesome today!" Prunhiline shouted as Britina entered the main living area of their home.


    "So I heard, dear love," Britina responded to the hyper warrior.


    "Lady Britina," Captain Adurn greeted her.


    "Welcome, Captain Adurn." Britina curtseyed.


    "I thought I would stop by and discuss the King''s new ordinance." The Captain gave the mage a mischievous smile.


    Prunhiline had lost interest in the conversation. She had no time for more rules and ordinances. As she did on these occasions, she daydreamed about killing things. Her daydream was short-lived when she heard the dreaded word, bath.


    "What was that?" Prunhiline asked, interrupting the conversation.


    The Captain smiled and repeated himself, "The King has decided that all soldiers and volunteers are to be presentable. So it has been decided that everyone is to take a bath after a training session."


    "Bath?" Worry crept into Prunhiline''s voice.


    "Yes, dear love, bath. And today was a training day, wasn''t it, Captain?" Britina said with a bit of glee.


    "Yes, my lady, it was." The Captain''s smile turned evil.


    Britina smiled at the horror-struck warrior. "I''ve already drawn you one."


    Prunhiline bolted across the room, vaulting the couch like it wasn¡¯t there. She was at the kitchen door when Britina finished her spell. There was a loud splash as Prunhiline was teleported into the waiting bathwater.


    Prunhiline¡¯s furious cry echoed through the house from the bath: "I WANT MY DOLLY!"

 Chapter 46 - Britina Gets Sick

    The sneeze jolted Prunhiline from her vivid daydreams of slaying dragons, trolls, ogres, and every creature imaginable. Her warrior instincts flared; something was off. She paused, straining to hear, but the house fell silent again. Shrugging it off, she resumed sharpening her favorite dagger, only to hear another sneeze. This could be a problem.


    Prunhiline headed to the small library next to the sitting room, where she found Britina slumped in her favorite chair. Her eyes were red and glassy, and a loud sneeze followed by a rasping cough confirmed it; Britina was sick. This was bad, so, very, very bad.


    "Bri?  You ok?" Prunhiline asked, concerned.


    "Yesh, I¡¯ll be ok. Jusht ah head colda," Britina managed, punctuating her words with another sneeze and a cough.


    "We could try what my clan does! When someone¡¯s sick, we hunt the biggest creature on the plains and don¡¯t stop until we¡¯ve got it," Prunhiline suggested eagerly.


    "Yous? Hunting while shick? Ah''s seen you shick!" Britina sniffled and coughed, raising a skeptical eyebrow.


    "Well¡­ When I got sick, we would do the straw ceremony, and there was a big hunt afterward.  It always helped.  Every time the hunt was over, I was feeling better." Prunhiline said with some pride.  The remedy always worked, even if it sometimes took weeks.


    "Yous mean thay ran away.  Ah can shee that." Britina commented through another coughing fit.


    "No!  Everyone would go on the hunt, but the person who drew the straw dipped in blood." Prunhiline felt a little insulted that her people would run away from anything.


    "And the rest ran away, didn''t they?" Britina teased, trying to laugh but cutting off with a violent sneeze.


    "No, they went on the big hunt.  I would sit at night and see their campfires on the horizon.  They always came back once I was¡­ well?" Prunhiline started to realize that maybe Britina was correct.  Was she really that bad when she was sick?


    "It''s ok, ma love, ah''ve seen you sick, and ah''m sure the big hunt helped everyone.  Ah think maybe Ah''ll go lay down." Britina got up slowly with Prunhiline''s help, and they went to Britina¡¯s bedroom.


    "Maybe you need soup. I could make some," Prunhiline offered, her tone serious and determined.


    "NO!  Stay out of the kitchen.  Maybe just have someone bring me some." The idea of Prunhiline being in the kitchen unsupervised caused Britina to sweat more than the fever did.


    As Britina slipped into an uneasy nap, Prunhiline sent a message for help.  She knew she couldn''t do this alone.  Now was a time for support!  While waiting for help, she grabbed a cookbook from the library and quietly headed to the kitchen.  The universe held its breath, knowing chaos was about to unfold.


    A little while later, Morfark arrived at the house.  After knocking a few times, he entered with great caution.  Prunhiline had sent a message saying she needed help.  He was concerned that maybe one or both had finally gone mad.  Just in case, he brought his finest and sharpest dagger and updated his will.


    "Hello?" He called out with his hand on his dagger.


    "In here, Morfark!" Prunhiline attempted to yell from the kitchen quietly.


    "The kitchen?" He asked, stopping at the kitchen door.  Please don''t be sandwiches, he thought.  Please, please, please.  The universe chuckled at the poor assassin.


    "Yes, get in here!" Prunhiline hissed at her friend.


    "Prun, I thought you weren¡¯t allowed in the kitchen unsupervised," Morfark called through the door, his voice edged with caution. He didn''t want to enter.  He wasn''t ready, even if his therapist said he was.


    "Britina is sick!  Get in here!"


    He entered the kitchen with great worry for both the mage and himself.  What he found shocked him.  The kitchen was clean!  Prunhiline was standing at the stove, mixing something in a boiling pot.  Upon closer inspection, the pot was glowing purple.  He went back to worrying.


    "My dear, I don''t think that is the correct color for soup." Morfark pointed to the pot.


    "I know that! I followed the recipe in the book." She pointed at the book titled "Easy Portals to Exotic Places."


    "That¡¯s a spellbook," Morfark said flatly, pinching the bridge of his nose. He marveled again at how these things kept happening. It was like the universe conspired against the warrior.


    "Oh?  I did think the ingredients were a bit weird, and it was with the cookbooks.  But hey, I''ll eat anything." Prunhiline said with some pride.  Britina accidentally placed one of her spellbooks with the cookbooks while sick.This content has been unlawfully taken from Royal Road; report any instances of this story if found elsewhere.


    "I know, I''ve witnessed that," Morfark said as his stomach felt queasy.


    A slimy tentacle slithered out of the pot, only to be smacked back with a wooden spoon. "It keeps doing that!" Prunhiline muttered, frustrated, keeping her voice low to avoid alerting Britina to her unauthorized kitchen misadventure.


    "Which spell did you do?" Morfark had become very concerned for his well-being.  A tentacle started to slip back out but retreated when Prunhiline tapped the pot with her wooden spoon.  Morfark looked around the warrior and read the title. "Fun and Excitement With Elder God Portals." He shuddered. This was going to be one of those ancient evil-released days.


    "Hello?" Britina called from the top of the stairs. "Prunhiline?  Whose are youse talking to?  Youse better not be in the kitchen."


    Both Prunhiline and Morfark began to panic. "Quick! Keep her upstairs while I deal with this," Prunhiline whispered fiercely, shoving Morfark toward the door.


    Morfark quickly ran to the stairs. "My dear, you should be resting.  Let me help you back to bed." He ran up the stairs, hoping not to show his panic, as he guided her back to bed.  He could tell from her pale face, red eyes, and nose that she was very sick and didn''t need the stress of Prunhiline in the kitchen fighting back a tentacle horde; really, who needs that kind of stress while feeling under the weather?


    "Ah''m sick, and shees brings an assassin ta take care of me." Britina wheezed.  She wasn''t surprised since Morfark was one of Prunhilines''s closest friends.


    "She means well, I promise. And don¡¯t worry, I won¡¯t do anything unethical to target anyone while sick." Morfark placed one hand on his heart in earnest.


    "Fraid of Prun?" Britina grinned, and her bloodshot eyes showed a twinkle of humor.  She knew most people were afraid of the tall warrior.


    "Deathly afraid of Prunhiline." The assassin didn''t mind admitting. "Besides, my dear, we have changed the list a bit.  Your name is still number one, but it''s carved in stone.  Deeply carved in stone."  He whispered the last part.


    "Stone?" Britina looked at the assassin, confused.


    "Yes, my dear, with an asterisk declaring it for the suicidal.  You will stay on the list. We are proud of our work, but we aren''t stupid." Morfark opened her bedroom door and gently led her in. They entered just in time for a loud bang from the kitchen. Morfark held his breath, but Britina didn''t seem to hear it.


    Britina smiled and laughed between coughs. "Where''s Prun?"


    "Um, downstairs?" Morfark said, attempting to hide the anxiety in his voice. He stood between the mage and the door, hoping to block the sounds from the kitchen battle.  He was hoping the elder gods were losing.


    "Where downstairs?" This was said with concern and malice.  She had finally finished the last cleaning and renovation of her kitchen.  The previous fiasco with those two in the kitchen had left it a disaster.


    "Um, sitting room?" Morfark smiled as best he could. He hated lying to the mage, but he also hated dying too.  She would kill him if she knew he had left Prunhiline in the kitchen alone.


    A ringing echoed from downstairs, making Morfark grimace.  Prunhiline may have switched from a wooden spoon to a war hammer.  Britina and Morfark stared into each other''s eyes.  Morfark prayed that the illness would make Britina''s mind muddled.


    "Are yous sure?" Britina asked, squinting her eyes at the assassin. She knew she was being lied to.


    "You rest, I''ll go check." He quickly ran back downstairs and into the kitchen, which he instantly regretted.  His therapist was wrong; he wasn''t ready.  At least there weren''t sandwiches.


    The tentacles had escaped, and Prunhiline kept them at bay with a spoon and a butter knife.  Considering her weapons, she was doing very well against the tentacles.  She was pretty proficient with butter knives and spoons. Ask the orcs, and yes, dear reader, that''s another story for another day.


    Morfark muttered a quick prayer to one of his dark gods, drew his finest dagger, and joined the fray. Together, they wrestled the writhing tentacles back into their infernal pot. While Prunhiline held a lid on the pot to keep them trapped, Morfark read through the spell to find out how to close the portal.  He found the ingredients, and they sealed the portal shut.  They both stood basking in the glory of their victory for several minutes and then froze in terror at the sound coming from the kitchen door.


    "What''s going on here?" Britina asked, giving them both the best glare she could muster.


    They were dead.  It would be fire.  Burned to death in a kitchen by an angry mage.  Morfark said several prayers to all of his dark gods, a few gods of light, and a couple that didn''t care about light or dark.  Hopefully, one of them would listen.  Maybe?


    "Well?" Asked Britina, sneezing hard into her sleeve.  Britina gasped for breath and returned to glaring at the obviously guilty pair.


    "Um, soup?" Prunhiline said as innocent as the tall warrior could muster.  Her six-foot-seven and five-quarters didn''t feel as big under the glare of the five-foot-ten-ish mage.


    "Yes, my dear, soup.  You sit, and I''ll bring some to you.  My grandmother''s special recipe." Morfark quickly added.  Maybe he will live through this.  "Me-maw knew how to cook a soup that could cure death."  Or, in his case, avoid it.


    Britain rolled her eyes as Prunhiline helped her to the loveseat in the sitting room, and Morfark quickly made her some soup.  He added a dash of this, a dash of that, some herbs, some spices, and a tentacle.  A tentacle?  Oh no, it was still wiggling about.  He chopped it up quickly and deposited it into the trash.  He made a mental note to take out the garbage before he left.


    Morfark walked out of the kitchen with the soup and a confident smile. He was going to live through this.  One of the gods was on his side; he didn''t care which one.  He was going to thank all of them.  The gods in question looked at each other and shrugged; they were looking forward to the explosion.


    The universe laughed at his optimism and whispered, "It''s not over."  The gods went back to betting on the outcome.


    "Thank you, Morfark, the shoup is delicious. I''s starting to feel sho much better.  You know, for an assassin, yous are an exsellent cook." Complimented Britina.  He was a man of many talents.


    "Thank you, my dear.  And I assure you, no surprises in the soup." He winked at Prunhiline.  They were alive!


    Prunhiline grinned, fished a wiggling tentacle from her pocket, and took a casual bite. Morfark turned a shade of green, coughing as he thought, This is how I die.


    "Morfark?" Britina asked, concerned. "I''s hope youse aren''t getting my cold."


    Morfark smiled at the mage and did his best not to vomit. The warrior, indeed, would eat anything.  "No, my dear, I''m fine."  And he shoved the warrior into the kitchen.

 Old Farts Birthday Party

    ¡°Behave yourself today,¡± whispered Britina for the hundred and twenty-first time.


    ¡°I will,¡± whined Prunhiline as she pulled on the collar of her shirt. ¡°This shirt itches; why couldn¡¯t I wear my armor?¡±


    ¡°Because this is a birthday party. You don¡¯t wear armor to a birthday party,¡± Britina repeated for the hundred and fiftieth time.


    ¡°We do,¡± the warrior frowned, wishing she were attending a plains-person¡¯s birthday party.


    ¡°Yes, dear love, and you also say it¡¯s not a party unless someone cracks a few ribs.¡± Britina worried because she knew she¡¯d have to visit Prunhiline¡¯s village at some point. She had only had her ribs broken once, during a robbery, an incident she¡¯d rather not remember. (But that, dear reader, is a story for another day.)


    The guards escorting Britina and Prunhiline to the party smirked but remained silent. None of them wanted to give the warrior a reason to be angry. They were elite, not stupid; the tall warrior was the best they had ever met.


    Britina glanced at the six guards. She had assured the council there wouldn¡¯t be another incident like the last two times Prunhiline visited the university. Still, she was required to be escorted by armed guards.


    Upon arriving at the chambers, the guards positioned themselves on either side of the door, prepared to act when an incident occurred, never if. Britina made one last attempt to straighten the warrior¡¯s shirt and pants before stepping inside.


    ¡°Prunhiline!¡±  The grand wizard announced.


    ¡°Old fart!¡± Prunhiline bellowed, drowning out the quiet conversations between scholars, wizards, and noblemen. She rushed over to the elderly man, scooping him up in a massive bear hug.


    One of the noblemen, Duke Something-or-Other, marched over to Britina. ¡°Why did you bring HER here?¡± he hissed.


    Britina stared the noblemen in the eyes and waited.  The sounds of Prunhiline howling with laughter and the elder grand wizard''s crackle of a laugh echoed through the chamber.  One of them had told a dirty joke.  It was always a competition between the two, who could tell the dirtiest jokes.


    ¡°The grand wizard enjoys her company,¡±  Britina said in her most polite voice.  ¡°It is his birthday, and he specifically invited her.  Please, by all means, inform the grand wizard that you would like her to leave.¡±  Britina smiled, but it wasn¡¯t a pleasant smile.Did you know this story is from Royal Road? Read the official version for free and support the author.


    The grand wizard adored Prunhiline, which is why she was still allowed back at the university, even after she accidentally unleashed a demon horde or the time she shattered all the stained glass windows. (But of course, those are stories for another day.) Britina didn¡¯t blame the warrior for the last incident. It truly wasn¡¯t her fault; Britina had warned the wizards not to feed her.


    A noblewoman was next to express her dislike to Britina.  She, too, was turned away with the same suggestion.  This should not have been a problem, except this one took Britina up on her offer.  It amazed Britina how someone could walk arrogantly and not knock over any of the tables, but the noblewoman had much practice on how to swagger.


    The noblewoman stood before the grand wizard and the warrior and grandly stated for everyone to hear, ¡°I would be glad, grand wizard, to escort this THING from your party.¡±


    Britina didn¡¯t hear all of the conversations, but she did hear the word ¡°bosom¡± from the grand wizard and ¡°bouncy¡± from Prunhiline before they lost themselves in childish laughter.  The crimson color radiating from the noblewoman¡¯s cheeks showed she didn¡¯t appreciate the humor.  Britina smiled at their antics.


    ¡°I NEVER!¡±  Shouted the embarrassed and enraged noblewoman as she turned and stormed away.


    ¡°With your knees locked like that, I bet you haven¡¯t.¡±  Britina wasn¡¯t sure which of the two said it.


    The comment didn¡¯t settle well for the enraged woman.  As she turned to confront the two miscreants, she wasn¡¯t paying attention to where she was swinging her elbows.  And this is how it all started.


    Britina watched as the cake lifted from the plate, soaring gracefully. With all the space and people in the chamber, the chances of it hitting the wrong target were slim. And that, from experience, meant it would definitely hit the grand wizard.


    The crimson radiating the woman¡¯s cheeks quickly retreated, becoming a pale horror hue.  Everyone watched as the icing dripped from the grand wizard¡¯s long nose.  Prunhiline¡¯s laugh echoed throughout the chamber.


    ¡°So, that is how it will be.¡±  He stated as he conjured multiple cakes, launching them at the noblewoman.  Locked knees or not, she was quick enough to duck, letting the cakes fly over her and into more of the guests.


    Prunhiline roared a battle cry: ¡°FOOD FIGHT!¡± The war erupted, the warrior, wizards, and scholars on one side, noblemen and noblewomen on the other. After half an hour, the pastry casualties mounted, and the gallant fighters began to tire.


    Britina stepped into the middle of the chamber and announced, ¡°The food fight is over.¡±  She was clean and untouched by any icing.  Like every year she and Prunhiline had been attending the grand wizard''s birthday, Britina was prepared with her magic shield.


    The laughter started on one side and then found a hold on the other.  Soon, the whole chamber was filled with laughing, snorting, and giggling.  Everyone always had a good time at the grand wizard¡¯s birthday party.


    Britina examined Prunhiline and the grand wizard.  They were covered in icing, ice cream, and many other sweets.  She could see them smiling like children, even covered with all the sugary goodness.


    ¡°Time to go, dear love.¡±  Britina smiled.


    ¡°Aw, but we wanna play some more.¡±  Prunhiline and the grand wizard said together.


    ¡°Another day, but now you need to bathe,¡± Britina said sternly.


    With looks of horror from both the warrior and the grand wizard, they whine.  ¡°But I already took a bath this week!¡±


    The grand wizard adored Prunhiline because, at heart, they were the same; they thrived on chaos.