《June.》


 Autobiography 1.

    It could have been only me, but I am pretty sure everyone had this thought in their childhood; to be a great person. Here, the word ¡®great¡¯ in a child''s point of view refers to a person who is famous with wealth, a celebrity on the TV, and a news broadcaster. A person who will have all the ears to him or herself, a judge, a doctor, a celebrated scholar, or even a scientist, inventor, technician developing innovative technologies.


    We Could have vaguely thought of being one of these people.


    I thought I would be someone like that.


    There is a chair about 1feet away from this table where I¡¯m writing this at the moment and above the chair, a rope hangs down waiting for me.


    I wanted to trace and put together my life so far


    and when I¡¯m done writing this, maybe I might have a reason not to go up in that chair.


    but I¡¯m at a loss for words already. what should I say¡­ Should I rewrite it again..?


    This could also be a way of expressing myself as an incomplete person and my life as a topsy-turvy. So I should keep going with it.


    Well yeah. I thought I would become a successful person.


    I wasn¡¯t afraid of a roach or a rat which explains my home background


    a lump on my head, bruises on my body as always but quite optimistic as a child.


    I spent a freely neglected childhood.


    I liked hanging around with the people even with all those wounds I get from them


    I would go out at the time when kindergarten ends with the backpack my mom washed after picking it up somewhere. I carried it around just like the other kids even though I didn¡¯t go to kindergarten like them.


    I remember the reason for doing that


    I think was playing with this kid and his toy at the playground which was nearby an apartment¡­ the kid¡¯s mom would come and ask me where I lived and which kindergarten I go to but I couldn''t answer back. I was shameful at that moment.


    she looked at me in a way that wasn¡¯t right to give to a 6-year-old kid for a second and they left after telling me that her kid wasn¡¯t feeling well.


    they left the toy. I stared fixedly at them until they¡¯re gone in my sight, grabbed the toy, and run away.


    to be honest, I was going to write that I would call the kid¡¯s mom to tell them they have left the toy, and she told me to just have it, but I will not sugarcoat.


    I remember a lyric that goes ''dramatizing is free changing out of control and that feeling is similar to when you write in your diary with nice penmanship. Who would want to spit on their autobiography¡¯


    I decided to spit on my autobiography.


    After that incident, I got a toy for myself and felt the need for my backpack.


    I didn¡¯t steal my bag. My mom found it somewhere but she did say she bought it. Maybe she wanted to see her little son in kindergarten but since she couldn¡¯t afford to do that just decided to imagine it.


    I¡¯m sure the reader might find me pity but on the other hand, I was a bright kid in my neighborhood.


    I entered elementary school.


    as I became a second grader, this kid named Cho Youngbae transferred to our school.


    On all occasions, my next sit happens to be empty so the new kid got to seat next to me.


    and that¡¯s how I got a best friend. You have no idea how I¡¯ve always wanted to use the word best friend.


    I¡¯ve always felt out of place before. never got to build on a deep bond with someone because I thought no one likes me. now that I think of it, I haven¡¯t always been around in place for a long time.


    Youngbae and I would wait for each other in the morning in front of the real estate building to go to school together and when someone was on a cleaning duty one would help clean up the classroom and came home together.


    Youngbae had pocket money about ten dollars every morning and he would give me chance to spend half of that money on the stationery. I usually spent it on candy and jellies. in early 2000, ten-dollar was pretty big money to us.


    I never had a chance to buy or eat something before I met Youngbae unless I pick up a coin on the street.


    and there we became a third grader and I was happy to be in the same classroom as him.


    We opened our eyes to girls by the age of ten and we would bully them on purpose, be mean, or even makeup songs to tease each other for liking someone.


    We hang out together as usual. Youngbae had a couple of friends besides me but he always went to school with me.


    One time, it got into a fight with a girl named Minhee who was one of Youngbae¡¯s friends in school. I don¡¯t quite remember how I got into a fight but she hated me. She was always impatiently trying to pick on me.


    the next day, due to the school anniversary we didn¡¯t have to go to school.


    This tale has been unlawfully lifted from Royal Road. If you spot it on Amazon, please report it.so as I always did, I went to Youngbae¡¯s house but his mom told me that he went to Minhee¡¯s house to hang out with her. such a familiar feeling. something I¡¯ve always felt but didn¡¯t for about a year, the feeling of being alone coming to me big.


    My dad went to work at night and slept in the daytime so I never had a chance to watch tv in the house. that¡¯s why I always went out to hang around but that day I came home, sat down, and did nothing next to my dad sleeping and snoring. Nothing at all.


    The next day on my way to school I saw Youngbae passing by the real estate building. I ran towards him after calling his name. he looked at me and stopped for a second for me to reach him. his expression was dark. we didn¡¯t say a word on our way to school. Youngbae sat on his chair and so did I. Minhee squinted her eyes on me and sat beside Youngbae. Then they started to chat and this one sentence got into my ears.


    ¡°so you should¡¯ve come out earlier!¡±


    That¡¯s when I thought. That bitch is trying to end our friendship.


    but there was nothing I can do since Youngbae seemed close to Minhee than me. they were talking about how to get rid of me and I was far away from them. I couldn¡¯t do anything.


    I pretended to be asleep every recess time until the end of school. My mind was full of what I should do when school ends.. will we be going home together?


    But in the end, I was pretending as if nothing has changed and asked Youngbae to go home together. However, he told me that he had to help Minhee with the cleaning duty, so I should just go home by myself.


    Therefore I waited for him who waiting for Minhee to finish her clean-ups.


    I wanted to help clean up the classroom but, on that day lots of students were left over to help each other''s best friend. So all I did was uselessly touch the table that was already neat.


    Youngbae and Minhee laughed while talking to each other while I tried to eavesdrop on their conversation through the noise.


    After cleaning, they left me without giving me a single sight. I should have gone home earlier.


    Even when we got out of school and went out of the gate across the playground, I walked looking at their backs.


    As they were walking and got inside the stationery, I should''ve just went home. But having in mind that being complacent and acting, as usual, will make things okay, I picked up the five-dollar worth of some candies and jelly, placed it in front of the cashier, and waited for Youngbae even if it has been almost 30 minutes since we had no conversation...


    Youngbae came to the cashier long after chatting with Minhee. Youngbae''s eyes were so cold then. When Youngbae offered ten dollars,


    ¡°It¡¯s 15 dollars,¡± Said the lady.


    ¡°Oh, I¡¯m just getting these¡±


    ¡°How about Jun¡¯s?¡±


    ¡°.. just these please¡±


    ¡°Huh? What about mine..?¡±


    ¡°You buy what you want for yourself.¡±


    I didn¡¯t even want to eat it.


    ¡°I... have no money..¡±


    ¡°Why do you always ask me to buy things for you?¡±


    Youngbae offered me in the first place.


    ¡°Yeah. are you a beggar? why do you always ask Youngbae to buy it for you?¡±


    I¡¯ve never asked for it even once.


    ¡°Don¡¯t you there ask Youngbae to buy things for you! If you do it one more time, I will tell our teacher that you are extorting money!¡±


    ¡°It¡¯s your own business for not having money. Why do you keep asking me for such things! Are you a beggar?!¡±


    I lost my cool and yelled.


    ¡°Yeah, I¡¯m a beggar!!!!! you offered me in the first place!! You know that my house is poor!!! you fucking know but why do you question!!!!!


    ¡°Hey kids, don¡¯t fight! Jun, you can just take it for today it''s on me.¡±


    I didn¡¯t need her sympathy. never even wanted that five-dollar junk food. don¡¯t need a wealthy family or a dad without violence. this fucking backpack, or a mom who left to come back.


    I just needed Youngbae who had been my first best friend for over a year to stand by for me. I wanted him to swear at Minhee and go home together kicking off some lunch box with our knees.


    Minhee burst into tears because I yelled, and Youngbae pushed me down.


    ¡°Don¡¯t you pretend to know me anymore! We¡¯re no longer my friend.¡±


    Youngbae grabbed Minhee¡¯s hand and went outside, and I sat there crying my eyes out.


    ¡°Aaah waah.''


    Like all pain felt at once. Making a sound out of pain..


    I didn''t drop a single tear even when my head was bleeding after I have got heat by the bottle my dad threw while cursing at me for no reason.


    When I realized my mom had abandoned me, or when I witnessed a birthday celebration I thought was only happening inside the TV, I didn''t cry out loud.


    But today, I burst out of tears.


    The tragedy of day should end here.


    The owner of the stationery held me up and took me to the room located inside the shop. She handed me ice cream to calm me down. She wiped away my tear brushed my hair telling me all the sweet words and that I look cuter when I cry. she kissed my lips and put her warm tongue inside my mouth which was cold due to ice cream.


    She put the junk food inside my pocket and deep down inside, and I didn''t remember the rest of that day.


    I came home with a handful of junk food, and I was getting scolded by my dad.


    He asked me where I stole it from, and I told him I didn''t know.


    Thinking that he had raised a thief, my dad whipped me in the calf.


    If I knew what suicide is back then.. would I have...?

 Chapter 1 (Delicious Food)

    So hungry. I haven''t eaten or drink anything for the past two days.


    I wanted my corp to look neat after I hang myself.


    Anyways, I will not kill myself until I finish with the writing.


    What should I eat? What did I like?


    I used to eat whatever was in front of me when I''m hungry, but I want to eat what I like today.


    When I was in grade school, Minhee''s mom treated the whole class with jjajangmyeon to celebrate the day of Minhee becoming the class president.


    I tried it for the first time and I remember it was unforgettable.


    So I once told my dad I wanted to eat jjajangmyeon but he said "next time" and never bought it for me.


    At that time, everyone knew how to eat jjajangmyeon, except me. I remember Youngbae giving me the mixed jjajangmyeon and taking mine and mixing it for himself.


    I should order jjajangmyeon. Not sure if I can feel the taste of that time again.


    "Thank you for calling Youngbin-gwan what can I get for you"


    "Ah. Yeah. Can I get one jjajangmyeon?"


    "You have to pay in cash for one"


    "Oh. Really? Can I pay with coins?"


    "Sure can~ What''s the address?"


    "Dongdaemoon-gu Hwegi-dong St.102-172 unit201, Seoul"


    "Got it. Thank you for the order"


    Did I order it right... If it doesn''t come, better order it somewhere... Didn''t like the name anyways...


    First, I should get rid of that rope. Don''t want the delivery guy to call the cops and get me in trouble.


    I went up to the chair and cut off the knot with a kitchen knife. It was quite tough to cut it. If I will ever have a chance to hang it up again next time, I will buy a knife that works well and write it down on paper: ''It''s not important evidence, so you can just use it. The rope is quite tough.''


    I think I''m a kind person when I see things like this. I''ve been victimized all my life, but I don''t like to victimize others.


    Perhaps I don''t do that because I felt the pain first.


    So the weak become weaker and the strong continue to be stronger.


    The victim is accustomed to being in suffer and the perpetrator is accustomed to inflict suffering.


    The victim is not accustomed to inflict suffer and the perpetrator is not accustomed to being in suffering.


    Children are even more so. So a child who was bullied for some reason has countless reasons to harm others, but don''t. On the other side, a child who has no reason to harm others does so.


    We might all have been born with the same heart in the first place, but being a victim or a perpetrator first. The death of poverty, the inheritance of wealth all begins here. Sometimes these ideas are believed to be true when it''s just a little chat inside my head.


    Suddenly, I hear heavy rain outside.


    ''Beep,'' a doorbell rings.


    I''ve been listening to the sound of rain for a long time.


    I think jjajangmyeon is here.


    I''m very reluctant to let anyone come into my space, but I''m quite glad to hear this doorbell.


    Come to think of it, I wasn''t preparing coins. Where''s the coin?


    "Give me a sec"


    "I''m sure there was a bag of coins... There''s no way to disappear in a studio apartment.


    "Beep"


    "Yeah hold on a sec!"


    "Can you open the door fist I''m in a hurry so I''ll put it down"


    Found it! But there aren''t many coins inside. I spent most of it buying ciggy at once a while ago.


    I should open the door first.


    ¡°Um... I''m sorry I''ve got no cash.. can I pay with a card?"


    "We told you, you can''t pay with a card for one.."


    "Sorry... I have a good memory... I spent it all buying cigarettes a few days ago."


    "Then you can do an account transfer"


    "Ah. Sure I''ll have to log in first.."


    "ugh. I''m in a hurry.."


    "Yeah. can I get your account number"


    "1002"


    "uh-huh"


    "251"


    "yup"


    "860956"


    "Yes"


    "Woori Bank"


    "Got it. Eight dollars right?"


    "Yeah"


    "All right I just sent it"


    Stolen content alert: this content belongs on Royal Road. Report any occurrences.


    I showed the transaction screen. The delivery man''s facial expression was is very dark.


    He seems to be annoyed at me for making things difficult for ordering one bowl.


    His arms were covered with Irezumi tattoos holding a delivery bag. Now that I see, he is not even wearing a mask.


    His whole body is wet without raincoats, perhaps because it rained suddenly.


    Water drips down, and my shoes on the porch get wet. Why did he have to come inside?


    Our eyes met.


    He stares at me with a look on his face as if he thinks I caused damage unilaterally or what did I do well.


    His jaw is moving, dripping with water.


    "What you lookin'' at?"


    You stared at me too.


    "My shoes are wet. Can you leave if you checked it already?"


    "Is that a big deal right now when I''m all wet?"


    "Well, I didn''t tell the rain to come or knew it''s going to rain."


    "I mean, what''s the big deal about these shoes getting wet?"


    "So what do you want me to do? Just go. Are you going to soak it up? Like your clothes?"


    "I need an apology"


    "I transferred it to your account why do I need to apologize?"


    "You fucking delayed the time!!"


    "Then off you go so no time will be delayed anymore."


    What did I do wrong to eat soggy jjajangmyeon for someone whose waiting for a meaningless apology?


    "Apologize!!!!''


    I was about to die a while ago. I have nothing to lose. Does he have any idea if I get out of control, I can end up killing him?


    "You fucking say sorry if you don''t want things to get messy.."


    If you don''t want to die, get out.


    He walked two steps forward and stepped on the floor. I felt a sense of fear in a moment.


    Fear has just trampled on my previously elated mind and has already covered my ragged mind.


    "I''m sorry. Please get out"


    A smile lifted the corner of his mouth, snorted, and looked at me in a silly way.


    "You don''t have to be beaten up to show you pride, do you?¡±


    "No."


    "Be careful from now on. Your face looks like you need some punches."


    ¡°.....¡±


    He slammed the door and went out.


    I went to the restroom to see the mirror.


    A face that makes you want to hit?


    There was no problem with my face. I''ve been told that I''m not ugly, but rather handsome...


    Rather than that, as the fear that was on top of this ragged heart slowly descends, and disappears into the darkness, my anger rose suddenly. I was so angry that I couldn''t control myself that I punched in the air.


    ''Fuck!!!! Fuck!!!!!''


    My fist hit the mirror by accident. I felt pain in my hand.


    I got so pissed off at that moment and broke the mirror.


    My hands bled, but I kept hitting the mirror crazily.


    My hand was so broken, that I picked up the showerhead and broke the rest of the mirror.


    My face in the mirror looked pretty bloody and ugly.


    My hand has been hurting since I calmed down a little after seeing it. My hand was bloody with fragments of the mirror.


    Shaking hands. I think I''ve seen it somewhere. That''s right. Haha!


    Shaking off the protruding pieces of glass, I turned on the shower water and washed my hand...


    When I came out with my hands wrapped in a towel, I saw jjajangmyeon.


    I ripped the wrap and ate it with my left hand without mixing it.


    It''s delicious. I was hungry. I should have ordered two bowls. I should have ordered three bowls.


    I''d be less annoyed if I ordered three bowls. It''s good. It''s so good. It''s as delicious as then. It is insanely delicious.


    Oh, my right-hand hurts so much. How do I draw... What is the point of that? There is no progress.


    No one recognizes the value of my painting.


    I did not find it unfair since I did not start drawing for a successful life.


    I started drawing because I wanted to see the thing that I could not see.


    I drew to keep the mistakes that I want to forget about into a beautiful piece of memory.


    I should go to a hospital first.