love vegan meat. The texture, the flavor. . . ohhh! It tastes just like the real thing. I don''t think I can live without vegan bacon. I have a few strips every day."
You can''t run away from her forever.
11. This isnt Canada. The houses look like theyre affordable
When Andrew woke up, he no longer found himself in the room on Amanda''s second floor. Instead, before his eyes were objects hung like the toys in a baby crib, except that instead of children''s toys floating in front of him, they were adult toys of explicit nature. Women''s adult toy.
The toys were pink. The ceiling was pink. Andrew sat up on his bed, and saw the bed is also a rosy pink. He called out to Joddy, Amanda, and Howard. No one answered. There wasn''t a single sound in the room. No birds chirping from the trees. No car honking in the distance. No friendly Canadian neighbor walking around apologizing to others.
He looked at the clock on the walls and saw it striked two. Have I slept for seventeen hours?
He thought to himself that something was not right, but then dismissed that idea. It wasn''t simply ''not right''. He was very, very fucked.
To him, pink was never a peaceful color.
Andrew rushed out of the bed and to the nearby window, gazing at the bungalows on the other side resting their backs against a thicklet.
This isn''t Canada, thought Andrew. The houses look like they''re affordable.
Was I kidnapped? How did I not know a thing?
His confusion gave way for panic. He had to get out of there.
His sweat ran through his body as the thought came to him. He rushed to the wooden door and twisted the doorknob only to realize it was locked. He tried to knocking on the woods, jerking the doorknob, and even slamming his body against the door. It refused to budge.
I must use my full strength.
Andrew took five steps backward, huffing and puffing as he pressed his feet on the floor. He charged forward.
The door flung open. Andrew rammed his head into the person who opened the door, and both of them fell to the ground. A sharp pang jolted from his shoulder to the tip of his fingers, and he jumped back from the pain.
This story has been stolen from Royal Road. If you read it on Amazon, please report it
"I-I''m so sorry," he said Canadianly. "I didn''t mean to. . ."
When he looked to the left, he realized the cause of the sharp pain he was feeling: the spike of a baseball attached to his shoulder, and the whole bat pointed skyward. Iwanma DickInSon''s bat.
"Long time no see~ How''s my cutiepie doing?" A woman''s voice resounded.
The pain from hearing that sugar-coated voice hit harder than any physical pain Andrew had to endure. He felt like he just died a thousand times over.
Pink Anne.
***
"Andrew~ Where are you?"
The petite pink-haired girl laid on the massage chair with a satisfied smile on her face, her eyes covered with cucumber slice, her hand shaking a small bell. Every time the noise ''ding ding'' resouned, Andrew had to run to her like a hustling servant. Her house was as big as Davide Backhem''s mansion, yet the sound of the bell could be heard from every corner.
He ran over with a cup of kale and cucumber juice served on a plate, putting it on the table next to where Anne was laying.
"Why are you so slow? Don''t you have time for me?"
"O-of course I do."
"Wrong answer." She frowned. "What did I teach you to say?"
"If a day only has twenty four hours and you need my attention for twenty five hours, I''ll shift time and space for you."
"Good boy! I made your favorite dish for you, Andrew~ Tofu salad with a side of masochism. Now go clean my weapon collection for me before we head for dinner. We''ll have some fun with them later on." Anne hummed. Colors slowly drained from Andrew''s face with each word she said.
Andrew walked over to Anne''s bedroom and opened the wardrobe, revealing an array of weapons of all shapes and sizes on the top row, from traditional katanas to grenades to rocket launchers. On the bottom row were sex toys, from Thing Andrew Didn''t Want to See #1 to Thing Andrew Didn''t Want to See #69.
Living with Anne, he felt like a subhuman. Everyday, he had to pleasure her and the collection that she loved almost as much as he loved him. Normally he wouldn''t complain when he kissed a pretty girl, but of course if that girl was anyone but Anne. When Andrew was in college, there was a girl named Sylvia, who was sweet as a sugarcane and made him cupcakes every day. Then the next day Anne moved to the same class as Sylvia, and from then on he never saw the cute cupcake girl again. Whenever Andrew thought about what could''ve happened to her, he felt a chill down his spine.
While wiping a large mace, he muttered, "I wonder if I''ll go back in the loop if I bash that wretched witch with this."
"Andrew~" Anne''s voice rang out from afar. "What did you just say?"
"N-nothing! I am just confessing to this mace about my eternal love for you. . ."
"Good boy. You will spend time with me forever, will you?"
"Of course!" He said while gritting his teeth. This bitch. Just you wait. I''m Andrew Garage, the Chosen One. I''m not afraid of some college girl. I''ll kill you with my own two hands
He gripped the mace a little bit hard, and the mace ball fell from the handle, making a clank as it hit the ground.
Immediately came the growl from the other room. "What the fuck did you just do to my baby?"
To Andrew''s dismay, Anne stormed over to her bedroom. Her face flushed red, her eyes were stained with a hue of madness. Andrew shuddered. So this is how I die.
"What the fuck did you do?" She grunted.
"Baby, I-I can explain!"
"You murdered my baby! Now you feel pain. Now you all feel pain."
Suddenly, the sky outside the window darkened. He panickedly looked outside and discovered that his longtime ''friend'' had suddenly returned.
"The meteor?"
Andrew finally understood. He turned to look at Anne; his eyes filled with horror.
The meteor is summoned by Pink Anne.
12. Sorry for f****** your whole extended family
The meteor is summoned by Pink Anne.
The meteorite reaped through the atmosphere at tremendous speed. Andrew could already feel the heat from the air transmitting through the window and onto his skin. There was no time to think. He had to do what he''d always done best: saving the world kneeling down and beg.
"Please, Anne! It wasn''t my fault, but I''ll make it up to you! Just tell me what to do!"
"Oh, you know what to do." Her lips curved into a wicked smile. At that same time, some of her ''toys'' dropped from the second shelf of the wardrobe: a leather whip, some neck cuffs, bondage mittens, and dildoes. Those were not to use on her.
Andrew''s face contorted. He thought a real man would be prepared for anything, but all the men who''d said that had proabably not had something stuck up his bum.
I will not endure this, he thought. He sprung up from his spot, aiming for the window. The glass shattered as he hurled his entire body on it. Before long, he was falling from the fourth floor of Anne''s mansion. His life flashed before him.
Too late to think. Too late to listen. Too late to stop.
Andrew brought his hands to cover his face, his eyes shut.
He hit the ground with a thud. Or he thought he''d hit the ground.
There was conveniently a trampoline in Anne''s front garden for some reason, and Andrew fell on that. He bounced a couple rounds then rolled on the grass with only a couple bruises on his arms and legs. He brushed himself up, glancing at the logo ''Plot Armor'' on the side of the trampoline, then back to the fourth floor window where the pink-haired college girl was staring him down with fire in her eyes.
He turned away and ran. The meteor to his left had already changed its course and was flying across the sky.
I still have a chance, Andrew thought. I''ll save the world from the meteor, and from that wretched witch Anne.
As Andrew''s back grew smaller from her sight, Anne picked up her leather whip from the floor. She ran her fingers along the whip, smirking to herself as she mumbled, "Run all you want, Andrew. I''ll see what you can do."
***
"I am standing here on the tumultuous Fifth Boulevard of Matrix City, where everything is a huge jumble." The lofty senior reporter of Channel 420 defied his common sense to approach to the burning meteor in the air, his eyes glued to the camera and hands grasping his microphone. "The citizens have lost the plot! Look at that guy over there! He''s just squeezed himself into a trash bin hoping that he''d somehow survive impact. Other, more sane individuals are running away from the meteor, as far as possible" A frantic woman pushed the reporter aside and ran past him, pushing his fedora to the ground. He picked it up, put it on his head, and flashed a strained smile. "Wow, it must sucks to be a Channel 420 viewer right now. The world''s ending, and the last thing you''re gonna see before you die is the bald head of a 50-something year old guy."
He continued to report, but his voice got hoarser second by second. "Perhaps. . . this will be the end of humanity. . . Hug your family, pray to God, make love to your wife. Enjoy the rest minutes of your lives. Our afternoon news ends here."
The author''s narrative has been misappropriated; report any instances of this story on Amazon.
His camerawoman and wife of twenty years turned off the equipments and silently put them back inside the van. The reporter sighed as he tapped on her shoulder. As she turned back, he said, biting his lips, "Listen, Barbara. There''s something I''ve been wanting to tell you, but I couldn''t muster the courage. But now that the world is going to end, I gotta get this off my chest."
The wife raised her eyebrows. "Go ahead, say it."
He inhaled deeply, "I''ve been fucking your sister."
"What?" Her eyes widened.
"I''m sorry. It was a spur of the moment. We were drunk, and. . ."
"But you''re always drunk!" She threw her hands in the air, her face was now as red as a fireball. "How many times have you done it?"
"Five. . ."
"Five times?"
"Y-yeah."
"That''s not too bad. . ."
"Five times a week. I accidentally get drunk quite often. . ."
"What did you just say?" The wife gripped on the camera like she was about to snap it in half.
"Hey, calm down. I didn''t want all this to happen. It''s just that I wasn''t getting the hots with you, and I needed someone who could get me excited in bed."
"Oh yeah? Well tell me how to ''get the hots'' with someone whose dick goes limp every five minutes? The next door neighbor Rupert doesn''t wobble like a chewing gum!"
The reporter gasped. "You fucked Rupert? That redneck?"
"Yeah, I did. I fucked the redneck with a functioning cock." She folded her hands before her chest.
Now it was the reporter''s turn to get angry. "Oh yeah? Well your cousin Sarah said that her times with me were the best sex she''d ever had! Sarah actually knows how to get me hard and she doesn''t whine every time I want to slap her butt!"
"Oh yeah?" She pointed her finger at him. "Well I fucked your co-worker Sam!"
"Well I fucked Bianca!"
"I fucked Tyler!"
"I fucked Zoe!"
"I fucked the whole production team!"
"I fucked your whole extended family!"
Barbara''s eyes went wide. "E-even Jeff?"
"Even Jeff."
They both turned silent. As the meteor swooshed through the air, there was nothing else they could say. At least, both of them could agree on one thing. The world was going to shits anyway, and none of this mattered anymore. At least they could die being truthful to themselves, truthful to their spouse, truthful with their sins.
At that moment, a strange figure appeared in their vision. He went against the flow of people rushing out of the city, sporting bizzare outfit: a tight black suit with a bright white star badge in the center of his chest, a mask like that of Batdude in that famous superhero comic, and two guns strapped to his hips. As he approached the meteorite, he flashed a confident smile and plucked the gun on his left. He spinned his gun around like a Western cowboy.
"Who the heck is that?" The reporter muttered.
The guy in suit faced the giant ragged rock, raised his gun and pulled the trigger. A dark beam shot out from it, hitting the meteorite with a pow, and it disappeared as if it was never there.
The middle-aged man was stunned, just wanting to bury his feet on the ground, but still managed to drag his body nearer to the guy in suit. The man stuttered as he asked, "E-excuse me. W-who are you?"
The hero turns to look at him, eyes focused and brimming with pride. "You can call me. . . AntiMatter. . . er. Sorry, had to wing the nickname on the spot."
"AntiMatter. . . er?"
"AntiMatter. . . er. Yeah. Keep the last ''er'' extended like that."
Then, the hero ran away, vanishing into the crowd of people flocking to look at nothing in the sky. That man was none other than Andrew Garage.
As the superhero left, the reporter and his wife were left alone with hundreds of other people, puzzling as they process the sequence of event that''d just happened. So the world''s not going to end anymore.
The reporter looked at his wife, scratching the back of his neck as he laughed wryly. "Sorry for fucking your whole extended family, I guess?"
He took a slap across the cheek.
13. The whole world caught COVID-19 and died
Twenty years later. . . nah fuck that, who even does timeskips anymore? That''s so 2012 Wattpad. Anyway the author is back from a very short hiatus of only two months, so let''s pretend you saved a game and forgot about it or something.
***
Three days later. . . (just kidding suckers, I timeskip like the Wattpad pro I am)
Andrew stood atop of the skyscraper looking over at the entire city of Dinosaurland. He had chosen to abandon Pink Anne; a risky endeavor that may very well result in the world turning into dust once again. But this time, it was different! Not only did he have his trusted Anti-Matter Gun, he also had a tight-ass spandex bodysuit and a BLOODY CAPE (literally written on the back of the cape). Everybody knew a superhero suit is the key difference between a superhero and a no-name commoner was the suit and a BLOODY CAPE (literally. . . [see above]), and Andrew could feel his power multiplying by the thousands just by putting them on. As soon as he mastered the art of wearing his boxer outside his pants, he shall become the invincible hero this world needs.
But of course, Pink Anne was not one to give up. The obvious solution was to hurl more outer space meteor towards Earth, and she did just that. Therefore, meteorites fell more and more, each time with a thicker density than the last. Every time such a disaster striked, townspeople shone a boxer-shaped light on the moon to warn the Antimatter. . . er. Then the hero shall descent from the shadow, shooting at the meteorites until they drop like flies. Then they would hail Antimatter. . . er as the ultimate savior once again. His name would be all over news channels, and children would start pasting his posters on the walls and dreams of wearing boxers outside their pants. The cycle would continue.
"So this is the path the Goddess has carved out for me," Andrew told himself. He was still the Chosen One.
Therefore, he needed to solve this meteorite bullshit once and for all! Andrew had too obvious solution: the first one was to hit the lottery 5138 times and fund the construction of the Skynet and the Anti-Meteor Satellite-Spaceship network, and the second one was to kill Pink Anne. After viligantly calculating the odds, Andrew decided to win the lottery 5138 times.
Under the codename Eron Mask, he founded SpaceXXX and started realizing his dream. Before long, his fleet of spaceships was assembled.
Unauthorized tale usage: if you spot this story on Amazon, report the violation.
Andrew''s space shuttles were equipped with giant antimatter guns that could swallow dozens of meteors with a single bullet. Gradually, he upgraded it to a space station the size of very big space station. Every day, hundreds of asteroids flew towards Earth, but none could even come close to testing his system''s firepower.
Floating inside his space station, Andrew laughed so hard he started coughing. "Now nothing, nothing can destroy human civilization anymore!"
A day later, a great tsunami arose below the ocean, engulfing all of humanity.
"WHAT THE FUCK? SHE CAN DO THAT?" Andrew clasped his head in bewilderment.
A second later, he found himself in his shabby studio at the beginning of a loop again, so he knew damn well who caused the catastrophe. Only then did the Goddess show herself. She sat at the corner of the room with a gloomy look on her face.
"I''ve told you that there''s only one way to save the world. Why do you keep defy me?" The Goddess sighed.
"Yeah and what is it?"
"You just have to live with Anne for the rest of your life."
"Fuck that! I''m building a wall surrounding all oceans!"
"You can''t do that!"
"And how are you gonna stop me?" Andrew grunted. "You''re disappearing in five minutes."
"I. . . I can''t," she stutters and rubs her hands together. "But nothing you do will matter. Just listen to me, okay? I''ll make an arrangement that''s best for you."
"502890," Andrew says.
"W-what?"
"Oh look!" He points at the row of number flashing from the TV that''s suddenly in his room because the author is too lazy to go back ten chapters to fix a minor continuity detail. "The lottery combination number! What a coincidence! Imma go cash out."
"Sure!" The Goddess spat. "Do what you want. You''re gonna come back here eventually."
"We''ll see about that."
Andrew hit the lottery a million times then built ten-kilometer high walls along the coast of every continents. He called them the Highmalayas.
Then earthquakes erupted all over the world, the walls collapsed and crushed the fuck out of Andrew.
In the next loop, Andrew invented the ''virtual gravity'' technology, elevating every city until they float above the atmosphere where the tsunamis wouldn''t reach. His space stations guarded the sky and his cities evaded the earth. There was nothing nobody could ever do to sabotage.
Suddenly, the whole world caught COVID-19 and died.
"No, no, no!" Andrew screamed while on his deathbed for the sixty-ninth time. "Why? Why? Why? Why can''t I get away from this nightmare?"
He was pushed to a dead end. There was one thing left to do.
Kill Anne.
14. Maybe if I mess his life up enough hell like me
In this time loop cycle, Andrew replied to Pink Anne''s message and just let everything unfold. Being enslaved by Anne, meeting Joddy Ferdinand, escaping to Canada, getting captured again. . . everything went according to the last time it happened. However, he wasn''t going to let himself suffer by his ex for the sake of the world, at least not for forever. During his stay at Anne''s resident, he mentally mapped out all entrance and exit points, every single sex toy Anne used and which one of those can cause lethal damage, and what types of cutlery he could use as murder weapons.
The execution must be splendid. Pink Anne was perhaps the most powerful person on Earth, and one slight mistake might cause Andrew his 108th life. Therefore, he didn''t plan just one, but five different killing method that would go off in the same day. He filled Anne''s room with low concentration of toxic gas; planted a chip bomb in her most often-used sex toy; poisoned her dinner; and smuggled in an army Swiss knife. If he needed to kill Anne ten times, he would do it.
That day, Anne didn''t come back home until late. Andrew paced around the entrance, stopping once in a while to stop himself from sweating and shivering. When the gate to Anne''s mansion creaked, he had to bit his lips to keep himself from jolting.
Anne walked past the gate with a half-affectionate, half-maddening smile on her face. "Awww." She clutched her chest. "How romantic of my sweet little Andrew, coming to the gate just to greet me. How come you''re suddenly so gallant today?"
"Ah, ha, ha. You know me. The sweet, romantic, do-everything-for-you-and-never-run-away-from-the-cage Andrew."
However, Anne''s smile soon turned into a fiery scowl, and her eyes burned with rage and hatred. The sky hollered with thunder and the gust shooked the trees.
Andrew had been found out. He had to think of something. Fast.
I''ll lure her into the toxic gas chamber, thought Andrew. Once she''s weakened, she''ll recuperate by masturbating, and the sex toy will explode. That should level the playing field. I''ll wait that exact minute to jump in and destroy her with my Antimatter Gun.
"Do you think I''m a bloody fool? What are you plotting, you"
Suddenly, Andrew realized there was conveniently a banana peel right in front of Pink Anne.
"Don''t watch out!" He screamed, but it was too late.
This story originates from a different website. Ensure the author gets the support they deserve by reading it there.
Anne slipped on the banana peel and fell, hitting her head on the floor. Life retreated from her half-closed eyes, and her mouth gaped open.
"Anne? Are you okay?" Andrew asked, but there''s no reply. Maybe. . .
Is she dead?
Andrew ran over and checked her pulse and breathing. There wasn''t any.
"She''s really dead," he murmured in disbelief. "She''s dead. She''s dead. She''s dead."
Turned out, it was really that easy. He should''ve done this a hundred loops ago.
Andrew destroyed Anne''s body with an antimatter gun, cleaned up the crime scene, then bought some Bizcoins at the price of $2 per coin. A day later, Bizcoin grew to $2 million and he exchanged them for a one-way plane ticket to the safest country on Earth: North Korea, where he could stay away from all danger.
Andrew was stopped at the North Korean airport by authorities. The guards told him, "No foreigner could enter this country without permission."
Knowing the local customs, Andrew approached the guard and whispered into his ears while sneaking a few dollars into his shirt pocket. "I''ve received permission from this guy Benjamin Franklin in this note."
"Sir. . . I am an upright citizen. I will never. . ."
"Have I mentioned Benjamin also has a twin?" He sneaked another bill into the guard''s pocket.
"You are through."
With his friend Benjamin, Andrew climbed the social ladder and became a close friend of Surpreme Leader Kim Chi in less than a year. He was rewarded with a beach-front villa and a beautiful coastline all for himself.
Lying on the serene beach, he sighed in relief. "This are finally alright," he assured himself. "I''ve finally saved the world."
Of course, when Andrew stated that things were alright, it was a clear sign that he was about to get fucked over. It was a common trope by now.
All of a sudden, an armed army of more than a billion people raided the coast. They surrounded Andrew and pointed guns against his face. "Hands in the air, now!" They shouted.
"Who are you people?"
One of them replied. "We are the police, the justice enforcers! You have been arrested for murder, all your testimony can and will be used against you!"
"Justice? This is North Korea. There''s no justice!" Andrew shouted. However, those people didn''t give a damn.
"We''ll take you to execution!" The head of the police team declared. "Follow us now!"
"W-wait! You have no evidence. You can''t arrest people without evidence!"
A police officer walked forward and pushed an unloaded gun into Andrew''s hand. "He has a gun!" the officer yelled. "He''s 100% a murderer!"
"This is your gun!"
"Capture him!" The head shouted, and all men jumped at Andrew, pinning him on the ground.
"You can''t arrest me!" Andrew said. "I''m a friend of Supreme Leader Kim Chi. I can make a public statement saying I''ve learned from my mistakes and will refrain from murdering, then you can let me go!"
The police officer shook his head then held a newspaper in front of him. "Yesterday, this country changed hands. Learn to read."
Andrew squinted at the paper and realized the face printed on it was somewhat familiar. Plump face, creamy white skin, and wavy crimson hair drooping to her chest.
"That''s the fucking Goddess!"
"Enough!" The policeman shouted. "Bring him back for execution!"
"No. No. No! I''m not going back!"
A few days later, Andrew was executed. He woke up in his studio again, in another loop. The Goddess was already on his bedside.
Fuelled by rage, he jumped at her and screamed, "It was you all along! I knew it! You were conspiring this against me! You only exist to make me miserable! I''ll kill you; I''ll fucking kill you!"
The Goddess let him push her to the floor without protestt. Andrew assaults her with a barrage of words, but she just lowered her eyes in resignation.
Then, tears started to form from the corner of her eyes.
Andrew growled, "Are you playing victim now? Why the hell are you crying, you donkey-ass?"
Her reply was barely audible. "I just want you to love me. Is that too much to ask?"
"What?"
15. Theres no free will, but you can get a paid will DLC for ONLY $34.99
"So you''re saying. . . this world is fake?" Andrew asked, face elongated like a donkey after hearing what must have been the craziest story any had ever told this entire loop.
"Fake is a bit harsh a word. I''d prefer simulated," the Goddess replied with a sigh.
According to her account, all the strange events in this world happened because Andrew''s three-dimensional world was in fact a simulation inside another four-dimensional world. The ''Goddess'' (if she could be called a Goddess at all) was just somebody from the four-dimensional plane who purchased this world in a game as part of a garage sale and booted it up inside her computer to play.
"So I created this in-game character named Pink Anne, and I intended to just lead a normal life. I wanted to take my character to nice places, buy her nice clothes, get her a cute partner. . ."
"NORMAL MY ASS!" Andrew growled. "There''s not a single thing normal about a woman with a sadistic kick and a collection of axes and sex toys and sex axes!"
"T-that''s because I didn''t get a DLC! I didn''t want to do that to you!" Her lips formed a scowl. "The base version locked the configuration settings, so I can only randomize my character''s personality!"
"What kinda trash game is that? You bought it from EA didn''t you?" Andrew paced around the room in anger. "I knew it! I knew this world''s strange the moment I took a peek at Anne''s birth certificate and it said Ann3cut3XoXo."
"And not because a hundred loops?"
"No. Also, I''m not convinced. You said that this world is a simulation, right?"
"Right."
"So everybody''s thoughts and action are programmed?"
"Yes."
"So I shouldn''t have free will."
"Yes."
"Then why do I have free will?"
"Do I look like Aristotle?" She crossed her arms, tapping her feet on the ground. "I don''t know! When I bought this game, they told me that I would be able to control and modify characters as I will! As long as I have a DLC, at least. But you. . . you''re an anomaly. A bug inside a program. Your existence makes no sense. So I start noticing you. And it turned out that you are the most beautiful and smart person I''ve ever met. I wanted to get you at all cost."
"You could''ve just picked any other guy! You have the power! Why pick somebody who doesn''t want you?"
"I don''t want people who want me! I only want people who''ll reject me time and time again. They get hotter each time I suffer. Oh. . . have you seen your face when you told me you despise me and everything I stood for?" Goddess shivered. "I was struck by the lightning of love right at that instance."
You might be reading a stolen copy. Visit Royal Road for the authentic version.
Andrew sat then stood dozens of time, trying to make sense of whatever bullocks the Goddess had just told him.
"Okay, let''s put this unhealthy obsession with a game character aside. So if I leave this world, I''ll also leave the loop, right?"
"Well, yeah. . ." The Goddess bites her lower lip. "There won''t be anybody to load quick save anymore."
"So how do we get out of this game?"
"I don''t have to get out. I''m not in this world in the first place; this is just the manifestation of myself in this game world."
"Okay, let me reword this. How do I get out of this game?"
Goddess ponders for a few seconds then said, "We have to find another person with a superpower to open a dimensional rift. I think there might be a few of them in this world."
"Sure. Let''s randomly find a person who can move through space-time and all that stuff. . . Oh wait!"
Joddy Ferdinand suddenly came to Andrew''s mind. He recalled how Jod single-handedly caught a missile shot from a launcher and hurled it back at Anne.
"I know exactly who we need to seek," Andrew told Goddess.
The Goddess stared at him, and his lips curved into a smile. The Goddess started slowly shaking her head. "No," she whispered.
"Yes."
"We''re not doing this."
"We''re doing this. We''re summoning Joddy Ferdinand."
"Do you even know where he is right now? He''s been gone for several chapters already, God knows where"
Andrew snapped his fingers, and Jod appeared a second later, sitting on a couch bare-chested, with a newspaper on his one hand and a half-eaten steak on his other hand. "Woah!" he cried, "How did I get here? I was in my own place minding my own business."
"I teleported you here."
"How did you do that? How did you get this huge-ass couch through as well?"
"Plot. The question is why are you eating a steak with your hand?"
"I was hungry, okay? After you''ve spent so much time in Canada, you''d crave for real food too! Now why the hell did you summon me? You ditched me for your new-found girlfriend, didn''t ya?"
"I''m not his girlfriend!" Goddess protested. "Yet. . ."
"Anyway," Andrew said. "I need you for something, Joddy."
"Spill it."
Andrew explained his situation, careful not to leave out any detail. Finally, he asked, "Can you open the gate to another dimension?"
"Oh, good question. Why don''t you ask me if I can turn the entire universe into a massive penis, destroy time and space as we know it, trip on a LEGGO without hurting my leg, and other impossible stuff?" Joddy gnawed his steak angrily.
"So what can you do?"
"I can transmit my voice from the sky and repel rockets."
Andrew sighed, "They''re all cool, but not space-warping kind of cool. Do you have anything that can actually come handy?"
"You''re asking for too much, buddy. I''m a Jod, not a God." Suddenly, Joddy''s face brightened. "Hold on. I do have this one ability. It''s very niche, but it might justttttt be what you need."
"Really? Show me."
"Okay, okay. You have a bowl?" Joddy pointed to an empty bowl on Andrew''s desk. "That one would do. Take that one."
Andrew picked it up. "Yeah. Then what?"
"Throw it over."
"This is ceramic. It''s gonna break. This thing costs me $10, you know."
"Just throw it over."
"Fine."
Andrew threw the bowl at Joddy. The bowl suddenly disappeared mid-air, as with Joddy. But only for a milisecond. Then Joddy appeared again on the couch, the same position as before, with a bowl on his hand.
Andrew''s mouth was half-open. "How did you do that?"
"Throw me another bowl. That plastic bowl over there."
He did as told, and the same thing happened. Joddy disappeared for a milisecond, then the bowl vanished mid-air and magically appeared on his hand.
That''s crazy, thought Andrew. This guy had to have torn the fabric of space and time! Even if he could only influence smalle objects, he would surely become handy.
"Your superpower is. . ." Andrew paused for a while.
Then, both he and Joddy exclaimed at the same time, "Space warp!""Grabbing bowls really quickly."
"Wait, what?" Andrew asked.
"I grab bowls really quickly," Joddy answered, not a single hint of humor in his face.
"So, you can grab things really quickly? I guess that''s still useful for when like you really need to fetch a weapon. . ."
"Ah, no. Just bowls."
"So you can only grab bowls quickly?"
"No, no. Not just that. Anything bowl-shaped would do, too. Like a very big bowl. You can even throw a wooden bowl, or even a metal bowl."
"What? That ability is garbage."
"Garbage? Wow, wow, wow, wow. You know nothing of power. What if your opponent throws a bowl at you at a very high speed?"
"When does that ever happen?"
"Now." Joddy threw the plastic bowl at Andrew. It hit his head with a boink. "See? If that was a PLATINUM BOWL WITH RAZOR SHARP EDGES AND AN IN-BUILT EXPLOSIVE DEVICE, you would''ve been dead."
"Ugh. I give up. I''ll open a portal myself," Andrew said before storming out of the room.
16. And then he died
"Wait. Where are you going?" The Goddess grasped Andrew''s arm.
"If superpower can''t help me, then I know one thing that can. Science! I''m gonna create a machine to open a portal to a new dimension."
"You can''t just invent a new device to gain access to another dimension!"
"Did you just tell the man who''s lived his life a hundred times what to do, you ass? You''re the cause of all this, so shut the fuck up!"
The Goddess froze on the spot. She looked as though she was trying to say something but her lower jaw had been frozen.
"Wow. That''s a tad harsh, man," Joddy wiped a piece of meat off his moustache. "I would''ve just told her to go make sandwiches."
The Goddess hiccupped. Before long, tears started to form in the corners of her eyes.
Andrew panicked. "Wow, wow. Don''t cry. Don''t cry! I can only whoop asses, I don''t know what to do with tears!"
However, nobody had ever stopped crying after one told them to stop crying before. Goddesses'' tears were soon accompanied by sniffles, then by more hiccups. And they merged into wails.
Andrew didn''t know what to do, but he knew he wanted it to stop. He blurted out the first solution he thought of, "I''ll go out with you! I''ll go out with you, alright?"
"Really?" She looked up at him with her teary eyes.
"Really!"
"Then it''s settled!" The Goddess grinned from ear to ear. There wasn''t even a tear left on her face, as though they''d vaporized in seconds.
"What the fuck? B-but you just wailed and weeped like a walrus just now!"
"Let''s get us a nice dinner! I''ve already booked a restaurant. It has the best seared tuna!" She hopped over and wrapped her arms around his before turning back to Joddy. "Stay here."
Andrew understood he''d just been bamboozled. However, he also remembered that the Goddess had never stayed past ten minutes in this world in her current manifestation before. He looked down his wristwatched and mentally counted the time. If he waited another minute, she would disappear, surely.
And he waited. Then the tenth minute ticked. But he only found himself being dragged out of the room by the Goddess.
"How come you''re still here?" He asked.
"I bought the DLC. Now I can play as myself for as long as I want."
"You could have bought the DLC at ANY time during the last hundred loops, but you chose to buy it now?"
"Hey! It''s not like I have spare money all the time, okay? My part-time only pay me once a fortnight, okay?"
"A. . . fortnight? It''s only been two weeks in your world?"
"Have you ever played a video game where time runs as slow as in real life? Duh."
You might be reading a stolen copy. Visit Royal Road for the authentic version.
Andrew thought for a moment. "Listen. I will d-d-date you," he swallowed hard, "but only on the condition that I''m dating this version of you and not any other random NPC you seize control of."
"Okay."
"So who controls Pink Anne now?"
"No one!" The Goddess laughed nervously. "She''ll just go back to being an NPC."
"So she''ll stop obsessing with me then?"
"Uh. . . Who cares about that? That''s not important. The important thing now is to search for where we''ll go on our honeymoon. . ."
Andrew growled, but decided that he couldn''t care less. Stepping into another dimension could wait. Maybe he''d give this whole relationship thing another try. Maybe not every girl liked to torture him with whips and giant fake penises.
And he was correct, at least during his time spent with the Goddess, whose real name he learned (to his shock and astonishment) to be Anna. The longer he stayed with her, the more he realized that in essence, the true self of the Goddess wasn''t that bad. She was in fact just another woman who enjoyed teddy bears, gaming, staring at his face whenever they dine together, and innocuously wiring Andrew''s phoneline and laptop. The Goddess promised Andrew that she would alter the game to give him everything he wanted, but he did not take advantage of it. Knowing full well that accumulating wealth was never the solution to life, Andrew wanted to keep a low profile and work at a research lab for the rest of days. HIs wish was granted, and his life was seemingly normal again.
After dating Goddess for nearly a year, her affection and personality seeped into Andrew and he felt more at ease alongside her. There was just a teeny-tiny problem: Goddess was a jealous type. And when she raged, that teeny-tiny problem turned into another teeny-tiny problem.
A few months into dating, Andrew and Goddess went out on a casual shopping date. While walking along the road, suddenly Goddess jerked Andrew''s hand and questioned him, "Did you just glance at that girl who walked past?"
"Who?" Andrew looked around but saw no one.
"That one! RIght over there!" She pointed to the empty nothing.
"There''s no one there!"
"There''s one right there, between the border of Finland and Russia!"
"Russia? We''re in Canada!"
"Don''t try to weasel your way out of this! Just wait until we get home and you''ll see. . ."
Andrew was about to argue, but before he could say anything, a sudden whoosing noise roared from the sky. He turned around and saw a meteorite penetrating the atmosphere. Ah shit, here we go again.
"Hey! Hey hey!" Andrew stared at the Goddess.
She immediately realized what had happened and started desperately jumping up and down. "I''m sorry! I''m calm, I''m cool. Shoo, meteor, shoo!"
The meteor turned its ass back into space to the shock of everybody else. It was said that he eminent scientist Elbert Ainstein was still searching for answers to that impossible natural phenomena.
Eventually, Andrew learned to sustain his normal life. He just needed to care for Anna, give her emotional support every day, and not look at the general direction of Finland and Russia. The Goddess being happy meant the city was meteor-free.
Of course, that life didn''t last long. One day, Anna came to him and said, "I''ll have to leave you, for now."
"What do you mean?" Andrew asked, baffled.
"I-I played too much video games, so my dad''s taking away my PC. I only have a few minutes left in this world."
Only then that Andrew realized the unwavering truth: no matter how invincible you were, your parents would always be stronger than you.
"Wait. How are you still being grounded? How old are you?"
"Of legal age."
"The legal age in Japan is thirteen; that doesn''t make it acceptable! How old are you?"
"I''m" Before Anna was able to respond, she had already vanished.
Witnessing his girlfriend of a year disappearing before his very eyes, Andrew was speechless. Every emotion built up inside his chest; everything they''d had together. Unable to contain his feelings anymore, he screamed, "Yesssss! No more Pink Anne! No more Goddess! No more interruption to my peaceful life!"
"You fool! Do you know what this means?" A male voice resounded behind Andrew. He turned back and Joddy was conveniently standing there.
"Stop moving the plot forward!" Andrew protested.
"This world will be wiped out. Forever. No respawn."
"No." Andrew shivered. "That can''t be."
"It''s only logical," Joddy replied.
"No. It''s too logical. Something that makes sense cannot possibly happen here."
"Your phone is made in China, right?" Joddy pointed at the phone Andrew was holding.
Andrew asked in astonishment, "How do you know?"
"Because it''s disappearing, along with everything Chinese."
Andrew looked down and saw his phone being reduced to atoms right in front of his eyes.
"No. No, no, no! I worked hard for my normal life! I''m not about to lose it again!"
So, the young scientist rushed into his laboratory and spent all his precious time assembling the most complicated gadget on Earth. Three seconds later, he walked out and shouted, "Behold! The SpaceWarper 1000!"
"Cool. What does it do?" Joddy asked.
"It concentrates ANTIMATTER into the tip of the holster until the energy gets so dense and the atoms can''t stand breathing at each others face anymore like passengers inside a Japanese bullet train. They''ll rip space apart just to get out, thus creating a portal to another dimension. . . I hope."
"Gosh! Why do you have to yell ANTIMATTER everytime you say it?"
"I''m not yelling! The author has ANTIMATTER in his copy/paste archive and pasting ANTIMATTER is more desirable than having to type it."
"So it''s a really, really big ANTIMATTER cannon?" Joddy asked.
"Yep."
"Astounding," Joddy scoffed. "Have you thought this through? You''ll be a 3D creature inside of a 4D world. You might not even gonna exist. If you do exist there, you might even be Latina!" His face contorted as if he just ate a stinky BeanBoozled jelly belly.
"Relax. I''m the main character."
Andrew launched the gun into the air, tearing a deep, black hole floating in space. It was so deep he couldn''t see anything but darkness. But he didn''t care. He needed to survive.
Andrew jumped into the hole. Then he died.
THE END
.
.
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Sike! You thought this is all over, didn''t you? BUT YOU WERE WRONG!
SEQUEL
ANDREW IN THE 4D WORLD
17. Sorry, Sir, but I banged your daughter
The time engulfed in darkness felt like eternity to Andrew. He didn''t know how many hours he''d been trapped in this feeling of hanging midair with no anchor point, hearing nothing but his heartbeat and seeing nothing but the constant playback mirages of his past hundred lives.
When Andrew was finally released from his pitch-black prison, he found himself inside a room a tad too spacious for one person and too cramped for two. The surrounding walls were a creamy white, but unlike him, they were covered with posters of none other than Andrew himself. Behind him was a desktop. Brown shelves are filled with music albums, some of them looked like they were limited edition. Next to the cupboard was a large, long mirror, the kind that could illuminate his entire body.
A pleasant and gentle smell wafted through the air, like the fragrance of fresh air after the rain.
Apart from an alarming number of posters of himself on the walls, everything looked. . . normal. Just like in the 3D world.
Before Andrew could take a closer look at the room, he heard the scolding voice of a man from below, presumably downstairs, "Why do you keep gaming? You done gone mess up your life and do nothing, missy! You''re a dinosaur and you never brought any guy home! Are you. . . anti-social or sum?"
"I-I do have a boyfriend!" The protesting sound of a woman resounded. Unless all of this was a huge coincidence, that voice must''ve belonged to the Goddess.
"Oh yeah? Then show me that ''boyfriend'' of yours."
"H-he. . ."
"He ain''t real, is he? He some digital-ass wanker that the closest you''re ever gonna touch is by licking that computer screen of yours."
"That''s mean, dad! He''s real!"
"Then where is he?"
Andrew rushed downstairs, forgetting he was dragging a giant-ass cannon along with him. When he ran down, the two person inside the first-floor turned to him, wide-eyed. Especially the Goddess.
"A-A-Andrew?" Her eye jerked and her hands shivered.
Andrew had imagined that real-life Goddess would look like a huge gaming nerd, but surprisingly, she looked no different from her appearance game apart for the fact that she wasn''t wearing any weird clothing and had a thick pair of glasses, probably from binge gaming.
She''s pretty cute in those glasses, though.
"Who this dude?" The middle-aged man with a retracing hairline and a slightly out of shape body exclaimed. He then glared at the cannon behind Andrew. "What you think you''re doing?"
Andrew, being the genius he was, blurted out the foolproof answer that would save him from the beat-up of all fathers in the world, "I''ve been banging your daughter."
"Why did you say that?" The Goddesses'' face turned blanched.
"What do you mean. . . ''banged''?" The father froze. "Like, bashing her face on the table or some?"
"Oh, no. Not just on the table, sir. I smashed her in the bathroom, inside a fast food drive-thru, on top of an aircraft, in North Korea, inside the International Space Station. Y''know your daughter has a habit of gritting her teeth so often after smashing, yeah? So we went to the dentist, and he had to head out for a sec. A sign on his chair said ''don''t smash''. We smashed there too."
Reading on Amazon or a pirate site? This novel is from Royal Road. Support the author by reading it there.
"So. . .you saying ''banging'' in, like. . . having intercourse with my daughter."
"Well, uh, yeah."
The dad''s face burned with a fiery red. Looking at Anna''s abhorred expression, Andrew realized that he might have messed up.
The father asked Andrew with a death glare, intoning every single word, "You came down from the stairs. So you''ve been with my daughter, ''smashing'' the whole night before?"
"N-not like that. . . I can explain"
"That''s awesome!" The dad jumped in joy, then walked up to Andrew and gave him a hug.
"Wait, what?" Andrew and Anna said in unison.
"I thought my girl would die alone, unwanted by any man! Thank you; thank you; thank you! You''ve saved us all!" The father pulled Andrew over and sat him on a chair. "You have to stay for dinner! We shall feast to celebrate the day I learn that a man has screwed my daughter!"
"Uh. . ."
Soon, the father disappeared into the kitchen. The Goddess looked at Andrew, her eyes tinted with a shade of joy and a glimpse of disbelief. "How are you. . . here? In flesh and blood?"
"The same way you told me would never work. Antimatter. Anyway, you don''t look thirteen."
"That''s because I''m twenty-seven."
"You could''ve just told me you''re twenty-seven!" Andrew threw his hands in the air. "Oh, wow. You''re four years older than me, man. I''m dating an old lady."
"You''re a hundred years old judging from the years you''ve lived, though." She cast her gaze away, her voice shaky. "Then, from now on, are you my real boyfriend?"
"I don''t know about you, but I''ve always considered myself a real one."
Andrew had thought that the Goddess (he didn''t know why he still referred to her as one) would have been overjoyed, but instead she brimmed with tears as she latched on his collar. "Come back to your world! You''re the most beautiful and talented person I''ve ever met! And I''m just. . . me, a talentless hack spending all my life hiding inside my room in the attic, staring at the other cool college kids on their skateboards passing through the streets and asking myself I can''t smile like them.
Andrew stood still for a long while as the Goddess Anna buried her face in his chest and sobbed. He couldn''t find anything to say for a longest time before uttering, "You''ve never told me all this."
"I. . . I didn''t have to in my game world. I can always make myself pretty, and if I''m not pretty enough, I can be powerful enough to overwhelm you. I don''t have any power in this world. I can''t keep other women away from you."
Andrew had to admit that although Anna''d resorted to rather unorthodox methods of flirting, she was passionate about him, enough to cast a meteor a hundred times and hung dozens of posters of him on her walls. For a second, he felt empathy towards her.
"No one''s gonna take you away from me," he said as he wrapped his hands around her.
"And how do you know that?"
"I shifted an entire dimension to come to you and definitely not because my world was disappearing and I needed to save my life. What do you think?"
"But what are you even going to do here? How are you going to get a job? You don''t even have a birth cirtificate in this world."
"Have you seen what I''ve done in my world? I''m resourceful. I''ll manage."
"How am I going to explain to my dad?"
"He doesn''t seem to have much problems even with. . . the most ridiculous of stories."
Anna had no more reason to refuse. She lifted her face and looked at Andrew in silence. Andrew hugged her cheeks. "Let me stay in this world. What''s the worst that could happen?"
"I don''t know. Maybe you''ll fall in love with another person who isn''t a psycho."
"You seem much more tamable here than inside the game, to be honest."
"And what is that supposed to mean?"
"We shall see." Andrew leaned in for a kiss. Anna softened in an instance, and surrendered herself without resistance. He swept her off her feet and pulled her into her deepest desire.
Then the clicking sound of a camera resounded.
A dazzling light appeared and the two of them stopped. Both of them turned to the light in shock as Anna''s father grinned, a camera in hand.
"Your mom''s gotta know about this!" He exclaimed as he ran up the stairs. "Babe! Look at our daughter groping some boy in the living room! This is the most beautiful thing in the world!"
Andrew eyed Anna. "Okay, how long have you been single?"
"Ahahahaha. . ."
"I guess your family wants me to stay."
"I wouldn''t say no," she blushed.
"Then it''s settled." He gave her a light peck on her cheek. "Where can I forge a birth cirtificate and an ID real quick, and where''s the nearest lottery store?"
The months that followed was the calmest months of Andrew''s life. He plot-armorly got himself a new identity and got accepted into Harvart University. Anna kept fawning over him like a needy teenager, and her parents liked him so much that they asked him to move in with them to their little mansion on the coast. Soon after, they moved to a more remote area, where the scenery was more beautiful and the climate was milder. He and Anna agreed to leave the game set in the warehouse of the old room, along with Anna''s old desktop. There wasn''t a reason to keep it around now they''d both found happiness elsewhere.
The biggest problem Andrew had in the new world was that he very often blurted out Goddess when addressing Anna, instead of using her real name. Anna''s mother told Andrew that he was a crazy one. "You don''t just love my girl. You worship the earth she walks on!"
Andrew tried to explain that he was a game character and the Goddess could destroy the Earth within a single mood swing, but shockingly, Anna''s parents didn''t believe the convincing and plausible truth. In the end, he found no reason to argue. He had been given a chance to live a normal life, and he shall live it to the fullest. Nothing could stop Andrew from his simple happiness anymore.
Or so he thought.
***
The space rift Andrew created in the 3D world had never been closed. Top-tier scientist Elbert Ainstein, after trying and failing to patch the rift, warned the public that the hole would shred everyone who dared approach it to pieces. Because of that, the area was off-limits, with 10,000,000 armed guards carefully protected it every second.
Then one day, a person walked in and defeated 10,000,000 armed guardsan ordinary college student with an obsessive, inexplicable liking for schoolgirl uniforms. Short, petite, and hair fumbling over her chest, she was dressed in her highschool uniforms that still fit her slender form and black socks that went over her knees.
Stepping out of the screen of an old computer in a dusty warehouse, she hummed, "You aren''t getting away from me, sugarbear~~~"
18. Youll never shat alone
"Andrew~~~~~"
While mowing the lawn for Anna''s family''s new mansion, Andrew heard a sugar-coated voice from afar. His face turned pale; his body shook; his eyes glanced sideways. Then he dropped the grass mower and jumped behind a tree.
The woman pulled him out of his hiding place and scolded, "It''s me! Why did you run off? Don''t you love me anymore?"
Only then did Andrew realized it was his girlfriend, Anna [InsertLastNameHere]. He exclaimed, "Gosh! You creeped the hell out of me. Don''t call me with that voice anymore! I still have PTSD being around that devil." The ''devil'' he was referring to was Pink Anne.
"I''m not her! She''s a game character. She can''t exist in real life!"
"I was a game character."
"You''re different. You are a glitch. You never belonged in that world." Anna pulled Andrew in for a deep hug. "It''s alright. You don''t have to worry about her ever again."
The Goddess had always been like that. She would swoop over, cuddle him, and nuzzle her nose against his back like a cat. She would always want him to be around, and that was a reason why he left his day job in another city.
After graduating from the 4D University, Andrew became an owner of a large bank. Every day, he stayed close to the teachings of his father from the three-dimensional world: ''Give a man a gun, and he will rob the bank. Give the man a bank, and he will rob the world. '' He adopted that as his motto and ceaselessly worked to contribute to Wall Street and robbed from the laypeople. After three months, the global financial market collapsed; he returned home and mowed the lawn for Goddess.
Of course, Andrew couldn''t complain. He had more time to complete his project: a transducer for an antimatter gun that could help open a portal back into the third dimension. At the same time, he discovered traces of a fifth dimension, a phenomenon that both he and the Goddess deduced to be the proof that the 4D world could be controlled by an even larger entity.
"Great. Even in another dimension, I can''t control my own fate," Andrew once lamented.
This story has been unlawfully obtained without the author''s consent. Report any appearances on Amazon.
"Does that matter?" The Goddess said, holding his hands, "The important thing is that you''re here with me, and there are no meteors falling on our heads."
Andrew sat in the garden beside Anna, and she lay on his lap. Her eyes widened, looking up at him as if she had something to say.
"Why are you looking at me like that?"
"I. . . I just think of how lucky I am to have you." She wrapped her hands around his.
"Yeah, I know. I''d be lucky to have me."
Their faces moved so close to each other that Andrew could feel Anna''s hot breath on his lips. However, just when their lips were about to touch, Andrew noticed mysterious sounds from the bushes on the other side of the fence.
He pushed Anna away and glanced about. "Someone''s watching us."
Andrew scowled at the grove in the distance. As expected, there was a shadow lurking behind it, slipping back into the groves after Andrew stared at it. Seeing him looking at me too, that shadow slipped back into the grove of trees. It was then that he realized something important.
That shadow had been following him lately.
He remembered the last meeting he had in the investment bank he worked at. As he was presenting in front of the Board of Director, he saw a shadow in the corner of the room. He whispered to the board of shareholders, "Looks like someone is watching us."
The Board also paid attention to the very important matter. They replied, "You''re fired!"
He remembered when he and the Goddess had sex in their bedroom. He told the Goddess, "Looks like someone is watching us."
Sharing his concerns, she trembled, closed her eyes shut, and said, "Uh. . . ah. . . uh. . . ah. . . uh. . ."
There was also this other time when he was in a restroom in a middle of a desert for reasons. He finished pooping, but there was no toilet paper in the room to clean his butt. Stuck in the restroom, he was in a really shitty situation. Andrew had thought that his life was over, however. . .
The person appeared, reaching through the gap under the door, and handed him a roll of brand-new toilet paper. At first, Andrew was delighted, but then, the horrifying truth loomed over him.
That shadow knew when and where he would take a shit.
For nearly a week after that, Andrew was so scared he didn''t dare close his eyes when he slept nor wiped his ass.
Andrew grabbed the anti-matter gun from behind him and pointed it at the grove. "Who are you?" he shouted. "How did you know where I shat?"
The shadow stayed silent.
"Answer!" Andrew growled. "Or else I''ll shoot you!"
The shadow stayed silent. Andrew tried his best to keep his composure, but he had already envisioned the worst. His eyes twitched and his hands shook.
What if that person is. . .
"Relax. It''s me," the shadow replied. It was a male voice. "You''re turning into such a pussy that you''re becoming Canadian."
"Joddy?" Andrew lowered his gun. "How are you out here too?"
Joddy walked out of the grove and touched his mustache. "I was never from the third dimension. Has it never occurred to you?"
"I guess having your voice echoing from the sky does seem kind of sus. Why are you behind that grove?"
Joddy''s expression darkened. "I''m just here to tell you that you''ll be in danger soon. Don''t think this is over."
"What? How am I in danger?"
"Can''t tell." He shrugged.
"Do you know the reason?"
"Of course I do. I''m Joddy freaking Ferdinand."
"Then why can''t you tell me?"
"Why do you think I randomly put DickInSon in front of you with a baseball bat in his hand? You have to fight for your worth, young man."
"You''re just having fun with me, aren''t you?"
"I''m not. Someone else has a plan for you, Andrew. I''m just a curious observer."
His words sent chills down Andrew''s spine for some reason he couldn''t figure out. Andrew opened his mouth, trying to find words to say. But Joddy had already disappeared.
Im BACK
Guess what, asshats? Andrew Garage is BACK. Why haven''t I updated for the last eight months? I was pregnant. Not really but the timeline kinda fits and it sounds way better than saying I was lazy.
So I gave this another read and thought to myself, wow, why the fuck did I drop this and pursue actual literature lmao this is way easier to read and get more likes from fellow degenerates. Showed this masterpiece to my fiance and she told me she regretted getting engaged, but sure was worth it. Surely now that Andrew is in another dimension there won''t be any drama and it will all be sunshine and rainbows, right?
Support creative writers by reading their stories on Royal Road, not stolen versions.
Already started on the next chapter. If you don''t see another chapter by next week, feel free to have my head on a plate.
19. Always remember she’s your girl, but the y is silent
Andrew spent the next few months living in fear, unable to get what Joddy''d said out of his head. He didn''t dare step outside of his house. He installed security cameras watching over his room, then installed security cameras to watch over his cameras. He didn''t dare close his eyes when he went to sleep.
A couple months went by and nothing happened, except that Anna''s father wore lacy underwear when home alone, that Anna''s mom would sometimes pick the lock to his door and creep in with a knife behind her back, that Anna had a habit of sniffing his clothes when he wasn''t around, and other normal family stuff.
Andrew realized he''d been way more paranoid than he needed to be. So his girlfriend''s mom picked his lock and his girl stole his underpants, but at least they weren''t Pink Anne. Feeling safe and secured, he got outside again, got a job and went to work like a normal person.
However, things started to get weirder and weirder, ever since the day Anna''s father decided on a whim to go on vacation in the Bahamas.
"Why? I thought you have an important meeting tomorrow?" Anna asked her dad as he was packing up.
"Yeah," the dad replied. "But they have a new Hottie Sauce Popeyes Chicken Sandwich there."
"So you fly to Bahamas to try chicken?" Andrew raised an eyebrow.
Anna''s dad only patted him on the shoulder and laughed. "If you love something so much, you''ll learn to drop everything for it."
"Yeah, but it''s Popeyes."
"Chicken is chicken."
Andrew couldn''t argue with that, and the dad just left like that.
The trip to Bahamas was supposed to last for a week. However, Anna''s dad appeared in their home two days latter, a tad skinner and less tanned.
Stolen from its original source, this story is not meant to be on Amazon; report any sightings.
Andrew was sweeping the living room when he came in. He asked in surprise, "How come you come back so soon?"
"I''m so angry!" He shrieked. "I got there and the chicken was SOLD OUT! It''s a fast food place. How are you ever SOLD OUT?" He grabbed a seat and grunted, "Hey, son-in-law. You wanna listen to my new mixtape? You gotta listen to it now! I need to blow off some steam!"
"I didn''t know you rap." Having been around Anna''s dad for six months now, Andrew had never taken the old man for the musical type.
"Yeah, rappers don''t ever go around telling people they rap ever. But here check this out."
Out of nowhere, he pulled out a mic stand and played a simple bass beat on his phone.
"This bouta slap harder than elementary school teachers in the 50s," he said.
"Uh. . . okay."
Then, Anna''s dad started rapping. Hard.
"Shoutout to my homie Andrew
For sticking with me through thick and thin
For sticking his dick in my lil girl and bangin'' it in
For not having herpes or chlamydia"
"What? This shit doesn''t even rhyme. And you''re off-beat," Andrew protested.
"I just want some damn chicken
How come you got no chicken
I''m so fucking angry I''m gonna go out and murder some asses
My homie Andrew''s gonna go out and murder some asses
My homie Andrew''s gonna cut ''em throat
Slice ''em neck and put ''em on a roast
My homie Andrew loves the taste of belly
He gonna eat some legs for breakfast while watching telly
He be nibbling on your severed toe like a pacifier
He be tearing your arm flesh while hitting you with a tranquilizer"
"What the fuck? Don''t put my name in that shit."
As Anna''s dad finished rapping, his daughter walked down the stairs, her eyes glued to the documentary she was watching on her Samsung tablet. The narrator''s voice echoed from the tablet, "The weather might also be a factor why there''s so many people living there. No part of South Asia and South-east Asia faces freezing cold like Europe or Russia. On top of that, the Himalayas emits the largest river systems out of any mountain range, with the Indus, Bhramaputra, Ganges, Mekong, Pearl, Red, Yangtse and Yellow rivers all emanate from there."
"Stop with that lame nerd crap." Anna''s dad walked over, snatched the tablet from Anna''s hand, then accessed ESPN.
"Dad. . . It''s for my research," she said. "It''s not like I''m playing games."
"Yeah right. Watching Discovery channel is part of your ''research''. You''re twenty-something, using Samsung, and still getting grounded. Get a life.
"But. . ."
"Don''t interrupt! Tottenham''s playing. I need my daily dose of laughter." He jumped on a couch with his back turned to Andrew and Anna.
"Your dad is . . . quite the character." Andrew told her.
"He''s never been a soccer fan." She scratched her head with a confused look on her face.
Andrew stared at the microphone stand and realized the price tag on the microphone was from Wish.com. That was when he realized something might be wrong here. Nobody buys from Wish.com.
Andrew''s face turned white. Slowly, he turned to the figure on the couch, his head sweating and his fingers trembling.
"That''s not your dad," he said to Anna, his voice cracking.
"I don''t think so." She stared back at him.
"Then. . . who''s the person sitting there?"
Silence ensued. The air was frozen. One. Two. Then ten seconds. Nobody said anything.
Finally, ''Anna''s dad'' said without turning back to Andrew. "Took you long enough, cutiebear~" His voice morphed into another familiar voice, sweet and dripping in honey.
New update
Hey folks!
Unfortunately this story is on hiatus :( In the mean time, would you be willing to give this one a go? I''m uploading daily and it might be getting on Rising Stars real quick. It has potential, I tell ya!
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Boon, Bounty & Bad DecisionsYou might be reading a stolen copy. Visit Royal Road for the authentic version.
Gravel and his crew of professional bad decisionsHunter, Fang, and Priestthought stealing a high-value data drive from an abandoned jungle facility on Namor would be just another payday. Grab the thing, get paid, maybe punch a guy on the way out. Simple.
Then they actually looked at what was on the drive.
Now, instead of a clean getaway, theyve got corporations breathing down their necks, bounty hunters setting their sights, and at least one shadowy organization that definitely wants them dead. Worse, they may have accidentally kicked over a conspiracy big enough to make the entire galaxy very, very unhappy.
The good news? They''re great at running.
The bad news? Theyre also great at ruining everything.
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Have a lovely day, y''all!