《A Happy Blue》


 Chapter One

    Ikari and Hoku Ryoshi were ten and seven years old, respectively, when they lost their parents to complications from COVID-19.


    They came from devoutly-religious families, but until he and his brother lost Mom and Dad, Hoku had never thought seriously about death or the meaning of life. Now he wondered whether there was any real happiness to be found in the universe.


    Of course, when the little boy wondered about happiness, he wasn''t thinking of happiness for himself. For him and for his oniichan, there wasn''t any peace, let alone joy. But, out of an involuntary sense of sympathy, he projected his sadness onto every other person who had suffered pain.


    Mom and Dad had suffered and then had left Hoku and his big brother, and he wouldn''t know until the day that he, an old man, died in his turn whether he would ever see them again. Perhaps there were no spirits; maybe Mom and Dad were nothing more than the dust that their bones would someday become. On the other hand, perhaps there was a higher power, One who had taken Mom and Dad away because He was angry at Hoku and Ikari for failing to be faithful enough and never intended to allow their hearts to smile again.


    Neither option was difficult for Hoku to imagine as truth, for he had struggled to believe wholeheartedly in the religion that his parents, aunts and uncles had taught him since around the age of six. The idea that a jealous God was closely watching and appraising him, his family and his friends now made him feel as though he must carry a crushing weight on his shoulders in order to survive. The thought of a meaningless life, on the other hand, made him feel hopeless. He didn''t know what it would be like to cease to exist, never to think a curious thought, feel excitement or dream again. He didn''t want to be reduced to dust, a part of the earth on which he''d lived, mixed in with the soil or clay or a stone in some mountain that would exist thousands of years in the future, when the world had been reshaped. He didn''t like the earth on which he lived. But worse than any other fear was the thought of never seeing Mom, Dad or Ikari again.


    The boys went to live with their Uncle Luqman and Aunt Mikoto. Uncle Luqman was kind to them, looked after them well and encouraged them to cope with their grief by having faith in God. These exhortations didn''t help Hoku, but made things worse, and Uncle Luqman didn''t understand.


    Every night, lying in the bed that he and his Oniichan shared, Hoku cried, muffling the sound of his tears with his pillow to avoid waking Ikari, until he was almost too exhausted with crying to think of his sadness, his fears or anything except for rest. The tiredness numbed him a little, and when he drifted off to sleep, he always hoped that tomorrow would be the day when things were better. And every morning when he woke up, for just a few minutes, things felt almost normal, almost peaceful inside, and Hoku thought that the depression was leaving him. Then it came flooding back.


    The brightness of the golden sunlight was ominous and seemed to reproach him, reminding him of Life. It''s difficult to shut the light of the sun out, so the reminders of Life broke in through every window or crack in a door. Blooming flowers, crackling streams and glassy ice-capped mountain crests that caught the sunlight were the same way, and this was why he no longer liked the world. He heard news reports and low-voiced discussions of the spread of COVID-19, the deaths of children, little ones who were younger than he was, killings at the hands of the police and cancer and half-believed that he was to blame for the pain that the world was in. Ikari, quiet, steady big brother that he was, had to coax him to eat. Even looking at a morsel of food filled him with crippling pangs of guilt.


    If mornings were reproachful, then late afternoons and evenings were gloomy, with their dim skies, and nights were silent and lonesome. Hoku never left his bed if he could avoid doing so, but lay there for hours, hugging his pillow or a favorite stuffed animal. Thin, pale, silent and withdrawn, both boys did poorly in school, which was being conducted online now because of the pandemic.


    Because they had to avoid large groups of people and be wary of socializing, Uncle Luqman worried that the boys might be dealing with loneliness in addition to their grief. He arranged playdates for them with their friends from school sometimes or arranged for them to "visit" friends and cousins over webcam. Hoku knew that they all cared, and he tried hard to smile, but always faltered and failed.


    The school year came to an end, but the start of summer break brought no happiness to either of the boys. Hoku no longer had a reason to leave his room regularly, so he retreated to bed, where he burrowed down into the messy cocoon of blankets that he had made for himself and remained there for days. Not even Ikari could persuade him to eat, and he emerged to use the bathroom only when he had sensed that noone was nearby to see him.


    Most of his time he spent sleeping. This didn''t change until the night that he saw himself and Ikari in a dream, making their way up a flowered hill in what he recognized as their old neighborhood, their home, on a sunny morning.


    "Hurry, Hoku," Ikari urged him. "Don''t mess around. We''re going to be late for school!"


    "Wait a minute!" Hoku saw himself slow down, then come to a stop. "We have to say hi to Mom and Dad."


    A few feet before him, right in the middle of the grassy area that lay between the neighbors'' fences and the sidewalk, lay twin headstones. Mom and Dad had been buried there. Someone had left a bouquet of blue and yellow flowers upon each mound of earth.


    Together, Hoku and Ikari knelt, pressed their palms together and bowed their heads to utter a prayer. Hoku would not remember a word of the prayer when he woke up. He would only remember plucking flowers from the hillside afterwards and placing them on Mom''s and Dad''s graves, then rising with Ikari, setting off down the other side of the hill and leaving them behind.


    This was too much for Hoku. Upon waking, he gave himself over to despair. He told himself that he no longer existed, that Hoku had died, and refused to speak to anyone, even Ikari. This state of affairs lasted for two days. Then things truly changed. He was not dead, and he was not ready to give in to despair. He was still too frightened to give up. He must do something - would do anything he needed to to save himself from this nightmare.


    Stolen story; please report.


    At night, about an hour before his designated bedtime, when Ikari lay sleeping and his uncle and aunt were in their bedroom, conversing in soft tones, Hoku crept into the living room. He took the landline phone set and carried it as far into his bedroom as the cord length would allow, then shut the door. Though he didn''t want to wake his big brother, he couldn''t risk having a grownup walk in on him.


    With unsteady hands, Hoku dialed 911. He couldn''t help but to flinch at the sound of the operator''s voice and glance over hus shoulder in the direction of the door. Was the phone too loud? Would Uncle Luqman, Aunt Mikoto or Ikari hear? For a moment, he considered hanging up; perhaps it would be safer to call in the daytime, sometime when there was more noise in the house. But - no. He might never be able to sneak the phone away in the daytime, and, in the end, he was more afraid of what was happening to him now than he was of what Uncle or Aunt would say. After a hesitation, during which the operator, a man, repeated his greeting and asked if he was still on the line, Hoku spoke quaveringly into the phone.


    "My name''s Hoku Ryoshi." He gulped, but the tears came anyway. "Please . . .come help me. I don''t know what to do. If nobody helps me. . .I''m going to hurt myself." His voice cracked. "Please."


    There was a silence, and then the operator spoke once again, gently now. "How old are you, son?"


    "E-eight years old, Mister."


    "And what''s your name again?"


    "Hoku - Hoku Ryoshi."


    "Hoku-kun, what''s wrong? Why are you so sad?"


    "I - I don''t know. I have a big brother, and our mom and dad died, and - I don''t know. I''m s-s-scared."


    "My goodness. I''m sorry to hear about that, son. That''s alot to deal with - losing your mom and dad."


    Though he had heard similar condolences before from his family members and family friends, the words caused just a little of the tightness to leave Hoku''s chest and the hot tears to flow faster.


    The operator pressed on. "Are you safe, Hoku-kun? Did something. . .did somebody hurt your mom and dad?"


    "No, sir. They were sick."


    "And where are you now? Who do you live with?"


    "My uncle and auntie take care of me."


    "Are they good to you? Do they take good care of you?"


    "Yes, sir."


    "And what about your big brother? How old is he?"


    "Eleven. He''s asleep now."


    "I don''t want you to think about hurting yourself, son. I know it''s hard, but hurting yourself won''t make things better. You''re just a kid; your life hasn''t even begun yet. You''ve got so many good things ahead of you, so much to do and see, and your mom and dad would want you to be safe so you could do and see those things. They wouldn''t want you to talk about hurting yourself. If you hurt yourself, you''d hurt your uncle and auntie and brother and your friends - all the people who love you."


    Hoku said nothing, and the silence stretched on. Ikari began to stir and shift, causing the bed to creak beneath him.


    Hoku froze. Was he waking up? If he was, it was too late for him to turn back, anyway - but, please, please, stay asleep, Oniichan.


    "Do your uncle and aunt know you''re thinking about hurting yourself?"


    The bed groaned, and Ikari''s shadow materialized against the wall behind the bed.


    "Hoku?" His voice was hoarse with sleep. "What are you doing?"


    It took several moments for Hoku to decide whether to answer his brother or the operator.


    "Hoku-kun? Are you still with me, son?"


    "Yes, sir. They. . .they know."


    This wasn''t quite a lie or the truth. He had confided in his uncle about his anxieties, but that had been about two months ago. Uncle Luqman had done his best to comfort him as he had cried, and Hoku had indeed felt significantly calmer afterwards, albeit still sad. He''d hugged Uncle Luqman and told him that his words had helped some, then had retired to bed to sleep it all away, but in the morning, all of his sorrows had returned. It seemed that he hadn''t been able to benefit from his uncle''s kind and earnest words; he had felt calm because he had cried himself into exhaustion. He couldn''t tell Uncle Luqman that, though, so he hadnt broached the subject of hurting himself again.


    "Are your uncle and auntie in the house with you?"


    Hoku wondered whether he ought to lie, but didn''t know what would happen if he claimed that his aunt and uncle were away. "Yes, sir, but - but they''re asleep."


    "Can you wake them up for me?"


    Ikari left the bed. He shuffled across the bedroom floor, and, with a click, the lights came on. "Hoku?"


    Hoku bowed his head. I''m sorry, Oniichan. I didn''t mean to wake you up. I don''t want to do anything bad, but I can''t help it.


    "Yes, sir, but. . .I don''t want to. They - they have to work tomorrow."


    "They''ll be all right. I''ll need you to get at least one of them on the phone since they''re the ones who take care of you. I''ll wait on the line while you go and wake them up. Everything''s going to be just fine, okay?"


    Hoku felt that that was easy for the operator to say, but he could see that he had no choice but to obey.


    As he spoke to the operator, Uncle Luqman''s face was inscrutable, as was that of Ikari, who sat on the bed and studied the floor. When Uncle Luqman phoned his health insurance provided, however, sent Hoku for paper and a pen, and wrote down the address of an institution, Ikari cut in.


    "Don''t send my little brother away without me. Wherever he''s going, I''m going."


    Ikari declared that he, too, was depressed and afraid that he would hurt himself. And so, that night, the little boys packed small bags, and Uncle Luqman had to drive them a long 20 miles away.


    Uncle Luqman''s health insurance company had recommended Kaireinomiru Orphanage and Institute of Behavioral Health for Children to him. It was a privately-owned establishment that was considered one of the better mental health institutions in the region for people of moderate income. Children who had lost or were legally-estranged from their parents, regardless of whether they were coming to the orphanage to live or only for treatment, received all care and services free of charge except for medication, which, for young patients who were not wards of the orphanage, must be handled by their guardians where applicable. The current owner was A''raj Shinsetsu, who had acquired the institution three years before.


    Hoku, Ikari and Uncle Luqman arrived at the lobby of the inpatient care center after an hour-long ride, during which noone had said very much. They pulled up into the parking lot, then got out and headed for the entrance. Upon the glass doors had been plastered signs admonishing visitors to be sure to wear masks and to make use of the jug of hand sanitizer that had been placed in a basket nearby.


    Ikari went to the basket first. He pumped hand sanitizer into his left palm for himself and into his right palm for Hoku. Hoku accepted the glob of sanitizer. The silence remained unbroken even after they entered the lobby, but when they were seated side-by-side on the leather-cushioned chairs and Uncle Luqman was up at the desk, conversing with the lady who stood behind it, Ikari took Hoku''s cold, sanitizer-perfumed little hand into his own and squeezed it.


    "Oniichan, I''m sorry," Hoku ventured to whisper, at last. "I didn''t mean to do anything bad - didn''t mean - to make you . . ."


    "Shhhhh." That was all that Ikari said. He motioned for Hoku to draw closer, and they rested their heads upon eachother.

 Chapter Two

    Uncle Luqman had to complete some paperwork, and then he and the boys were escorted through a hall that was full of lockers and into a tiny room, where they were seated and asked to wait to be seen. Some time later, a lady who wore a white coat and carried a slate with a pen that hung from it by a silver chain joined them.


    Sitting across from the boys, she asked them a list of questions about their depression and, in response to each answer, marked something off on her slate. At last, she flipped all the pages back into place.


    ¡°I¡¯m going to take your bags for you and put them in a locker. We¡¯ll need to get you rooms to stay in at the center. Once your rooms have been picked out, we¡¯ll transport you and your bags to the center. We¡¯re just going to need to take a look through your bags to make sure you didn¡¯t pack anything that could be unsafe."


    Uncle Luqman¡®s forehead was creased with worry and with tiredness. He kneaded the bridge of his nose. ¡°How long do you expect them to have to stay here?¡±


    ¡°We don¡¯t know. On average, patients are in inpatient care for anywhere from a week to two weeks. Based on the symptoms we have, we¡¯re going to need to put them on antidepressant and sleep medication. It can take up to a week for the antidepressants to have an effect, but we¡¯ll be combining medication with therapy. Once they seem to be showing progress with their depression and anxiety, we¡¯ll explore options for outpatient care.¡±


    The lines in Uncle Luqman¡¯s forehead deepened. ¡°You said medication. Do you really. . .think it¡¯s necessary to medicate them? I don¡¯t know how I feel about putting those kinds of drugs in a kid¡¯s system.¡±


    ¡°I understand your concerns, Ryoshi-san, but because Hoku-kun and Ikari-kun are experiencing severe depression, a combination of medication and therapy is going to be our best bet.¡±


    Hoku¡¯s heart leapt, though, in his exhaustion, he didn¡¯t show it outwardly. There was actually medicine that could help take their depression and fear away. Yes - Uncle Luqman might be worried, but he wasn¡¯t afraid to take a hundred pills if in them lay a chance to be free of all of this darkness.


    The lady, having scooped Hoku¡¯s and Ikari¡¯s baggage up, stood. ¡°Once the rooms are ready, a staff member will come to get you. Ryoshi-san, do you want to wait here with them? It may take a while.¡±


    It was already 10 PM. The lobby was chilly, the hard plastic chairs offered little comfort, and home was an hour away.


    ¡°Go home, Uncle Luqman,¡± Hoku begged. ¡°Go to sleep. We¡¯ll be okay.¡±


    Uncle Luqman was reluctant to leave, but, in the end, he decided against staying. In heading home, he chose wisely, for now the real waiting began.


    Ikari and Hoku sat alone in the room, shifting in their seats, hugging themselves and rubbing their hands together all in an effort to be warmer. The clicking of shoes and the carrying of voices up and down the hall¡¯s vinyl floors never seemed to stop, but none of those feet were headed for their room. Again and again, they rested their heads against the wall, closed their eyes and tried to sleep, but, tired as they were, the cold prevented it. 10 PM became 11, 11 became midnight, and midnight became 1 in the morning before, at last, the door opened and another white-coated lady entered the room.


    ¡°Hoku-kun and Ikari-kun, right?¡±


    Ikari sat up, blinking drowsily. ¡°Yes, ma¡¯am.¡±


    ¡°Let¡¯s get you checked over, and then we¡¯re going to transport you to your rooms.¡±


    The boys were led to the restroom that lay at the nearest end of the hall. There, before this lady and another woman, they had to remove their socks and shoes, hike their shirts up, turn their pockets inside out and even roll the cuffs of their shorts up so that they could be inspected for any items that might be considered dangerous. Under other circumstances, Hoku would have been embarrassed and uneasy at being looked over like this. Tonight, however, he cared about nothing but the opportunity to sleep and the medicine they had been promised.


    After the checking-over, the boys were allowed to fetch their baggage from the locker in which it had been placed. A man came to escort them into the back seat of a large truck that resembled an ambulance car. Ikari buckled himself in, then Hoku, and they huddled together for the ride to the place where they¡¯d be staying.


    The ride lasted for a few minutes, which was strange to Hoku. If the lobby and the ward were a part of the same institution, why were they so far apart? He asked no questions, though. Before long, they were pulling up in the parking lot of what appeared to be a short, but broad-bodied house with a slanted roof. A woman came out onto the curb to greet the boys, allowing the truck-driver to take his leave. She appeared to be in her forties, a short, wiry lady who looked as though she were as ready to go to bed as Hoku was.


    ¡°I¡¯m Momonoki. Come on in, dears. We¡¯re going to look through your things to make sure everything¡¯s safe, then put them away so you can get to bed.¡±


    The boys followed Momonoki-san through the building¡¯s entrance and down a few halls before they reached their living area. The room into which they were led was a medium-sized one, carpeted and, mercifully, a little warmer than the waiting room had been. There appeared to be an exit in the form of a large pane of glass and a door, which, undoubtedly, was locked; on the other side of the exit lay the outdoors - Hoku could make out the silhouettes of trees and sitting booths.


    The central and most prominent area had been arranged in the style of a living room - a short couch had been placed between two armchairs, which sat facing one another. Across from the couch, on a wooden shelf, stood a television set. In the shelves below were stacks of books and a bin of assorted drawing and coloring materials - crayons, colored pencils and markers. To the left of the TV set was a miniature fridge; farther to the left of the couch was a small, round table, around which chairs had been placed. Two of those chairs were occupied, much to Hoku¡¯s surprise, one by a boy and the other by a girl, both of whom appeared to be around Ikari¡¯s age. The boy, who had been diligently working on a page of a coloring book, and the girl, whose nose had been buried into a book, glanced up when Hoku and Ikari came into view.


    It¡¯s so late. How come THEY¡¯RE awake, too?


    Momonoki-san ushered the newcomers forward. ¡°Tengoku-kun, Mizumi-chan, these are Hoku-kun and Ikari-kun. We¡¯re still getting things ready so you can sleep, so sit tight.¡±


    A little timidly, Hoku lowered himself into a chair. He watched as Momonoki-san, bearing their baggage, retreated into the cubicle a few feet away from the table, opening the little door that had been cut into the surrounding counter, and sat down at her computer. She deposited the bags onto the counter, then began conversing in murmurs with another lady, who had come out from a portion of the room that lay behind the cubicle.


    I guess this means these two are waiting for THEIR rooms, too. How long are we going to have to wait?


    Mizumi set her book aside to smile at the latest newcomers. She was a fair-skinned girl with a gentle heart-shaped face, soft, shoulder-length marshy brown hair and hazel eyes.


    ¡°Hi, Hoku-kun, Ikari-kun. Are you two brothers?¡±


    Hoku nodded.


    ¡°You two look so much alike,¡± dark-haired, brown Tengoku pitched in with a grin. ¡°I had to look twice when you came in.¡±


    In spite of everything, Mizumi¡¯s and Tengoku¡¯s smiles were like a daub of salve on Hoku¡¯s heart. Ikari smiled, too, a little.


    ¡°We just got here tonight, like you two did.¡± Tengoku muffled a yawn with his hand. ¡°I¡¯m so sleepy, I almost can¡¯t stand it.¡±


    ¡°Me, too,¡± Hoku muttered.


    ¡°How old are you guys?¡± Mizumi pitched in.


    ¡°I¡¯m eleven,¡± Ikari replied, ¡°and Hoku¡¯s eight.¡±


    ¡°What about you two?¡± Hoku added.


    ¡°I¡¯m twelve.¡±


    This story originates from Royal Road. Ensure the author gets the support they deserve by reading it there.¡±I¡¯m eleven, too. There¡¯s a kid here who¡¯s about your age, Hoku - Ajisai-chan. We saw her about three hours ago, just before they all went to bed. That¡¯s how long we¡¯ve been waiting for our rooms.¡±


    Hoku twisted around to gaze longingly in the direction of the wall behind him, which stretched from the end that lay behind the cubicle off into a hall that ran in the opposite direction in a row of doors. Those doors must all belong to the bedrooms. When would they ever get to find out about their medicine and go to bed?


    ¡°Do you guys like to read?¡± This was from Mizumi.


    Ikari nodded, and Hoku, after a moment, did the same thing. When Mom and Dad had been here, he had loved to read. Ikari would never complain about the dullness of reading, but he had never been as fond of stories as Hoku was. He did draw and color habitually, and he chose a coloring book and moved to sit beside Tengoku.


    Hoku didn''t have much of a desire to read, but he had little interest in coloring books and, unlike Ikari, was a sloppy artist. It seemed that they¡¯d be waiting an eternity to be given beds, so when Mizumi handed him a book, he accepted it.


    ¡°It¡¯s the Chronicles of Narnia - the first book. Grandpapa and I used to read all of these books together. If you like stories, you¡¯ll love this one.¡± Her hazel eyes sparkled. ¡°It never gets old for me.¡±


    ¡°Thanks, Mizumi-chan.¡±


    Hoku laid the book upon the table, opened it up and began. It didn¡¯t take a great deal of time for him to get to the end, for he was a fast reader, and, with this book, he read without lingering on the descriptive details.


    He was sorry to find that the The Chronicles of Narnia: The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe did nothing to revive his love of reading He had read one Narnia book last year - The Silver Chair - which Ikari had brought home from school for an assigned reading project, and he had loved it, but his heart was different now. In this book, there were two dull main characters, a boy and a girl, a mother who was deathly ill, a lion who was actually Jesus Christ, a magical realm that couldn¡¯t have more obviously been heaven, and page upon page of Biblical preaching.


    In the end, the wicked, greedy traitorous Uncle Andrew, who hadn¡¯t been a faithful believer in religion, was forcibly reformed, and the sick mother was healed, saved from the brink of death. This last part did relieve Hoku. He had had no desire to read about the death of a mother.


    Mizumi voiced her amazement when he turned the last page, then closed the book. ¡°Did you really read it that fast?¡±


    ¡°Yeah.¡±


    ¡°Even I can¡¯t read that fast, and I¡¯m a total bookworm!¡±


    Ikari exchanged his blue coloring pencil for a dark green one. ¡°Hoku skims when he¡¯s reading fast. He doesn¡¯t really pay attention to the whole page.¡±


    ¡°Well, don¡¯t read too fast,¡± Tengoku advised Hoku. ¡°You¡¯ll need something to do to pass the time till we can go to bed.¡±


    ¡°Did you like it, Hoku-kun?¡±


    ¡°It was really good.¡± Mizumi was so openly-enthusiastic about Narnia that Hoku wished he could put more heart into his words.


    Momonoki-san left her computer and came to the front of the cubicle. ¡°Tengoku-kun?¡±


    ¡°Finally!¡± Tengoku shot up and fairly flew up to the counter.


    After Tengoku¡¯s bags were checked, the second lady, Kosui-san, tossed some of them into a bag, crossed through the living area and, passing the glass-doored exit, rounded a corner into what must have been yet another hall. She returned to do the same thing when Mizumi¡¯s bags were searched. At last, Ikari and Hoku were called up to the counter.


    Momonoki-san sorted their belongings into piles. As she worked, she explained what they could and could not keep with them and why.


    ¡°We can¡¯t let you keep anything that you could use to cut, stab or strangle yourself with you. So we¡¯ll have to hold onto your leather belts, your ink pens, the art scissors. . .¡± She plunked these items into a freezer bag. ¡°We don¡¯t allow any electronics, so we¡¯ll need to keep your cellphone, Ikari-kun. The same thing goes for the alarm clock. If you¡¯d brought a regular clock with hands, it would have been okay, but digital alarm clocks can be a trigger for some patients.¡±


    ¡°Yes, ma¡¯am.¡±


    Hoku wasn¡¯t altogether certain what a ¡°trigger¡± was, but he thought that he understood the general idea. Their alarm clock could upset or frighten someone. He couldn¡¯t help but to wonder what was frightening about a digital alarm clock, but he didn''t ask. He supposed he could imagine how the glare of great red numbers on a black screen at night and the blaring of an alarm could be creepy.


    ¡°I¡¯ll have these items put back into your locker. They¡¯ll be ready for you when it¡¯s time to leave.¡± Momonoki-san tossed their toothbrushes and sticks of deodorant into a grocery bag. ¡°Kosui-san will put these in the hall closet for you. They¡¯ll be in baskets with your names on them so you can come and use them when you wake up in the morning, but they¡¯ll have to be put back.¡±


    Their clothes she returned to their bags, which she handed to them. She stepped out of the cubicle. ¡°Alot of patients have to share rooms. You two will be in a room together. I¡¯ll show you to yours.¡±


    Hoku was not inclined to complain about this. He did, however, stop Momonoki-san with a question. ¡°Momonoki-san. . .when are we going to get medicine?¡±


    ¡°Tomorrow, sweetie. Dr. Ali, the psychiatrist, will have to see you first.¡±


    Hoku could content himself with this answer. One day wasn¡¯t a long time to wait. Only please, please let the medicine really work. If it didn¡¯t. . .if it turned out that the loss of Mom and Dad and the depression really were a punishment from God or that life was meaningless. . .


    But he couldn¡¯t fret now. Momonoki-san was unlocking the door to their room, which was number 106. Finally, finally, they would be able to sleep.


    It was a very small room with white walls. Near the door was a restroom, so it was like a little master bedroom or apartment. On the opposite side of the room were two slim beds, one beside the other, thin mattresses laid up on four-legged black steel frames,  and, between the rearmost bed and the window, a bookshelf. It was very cold; evidently someone who was in charge thought it best to keep the AC running, but Hoku knew that it wasn¡¯t his place to complain.


    ¡°Around 7, Kosui-san is going to come in to take your temperature and your vitals,¡± Momonoki informed them. ¡°After eight, everyone has to be up and out of the rooms. We don¡¯t want anyone to try to isolate himself, so the bedrooms are all locked from eight until 9. We can unlock your door for a minute if you need to get something out of your room, and if you need to take a nap or just to be alone for a few minutes, we have a quiet room you can ask to use.¡±


    ¡°Yes, ma¡¯am.¡± What else could Hoku say? It must be close to 3 AM now, but five hours of sleep was better than no sleep at all.


    The boys bade Momonoki-san goodnight and were left alone in their new sleeping quarters. While Ikari went to use the bathroom, Hoku crammed their bags into the bottom section of the bookshelf. He sat on the bed and hugged his knees until Ikari exited the bathroom. Then he took his turn in it.


    They had a washtub of their own, though there was only a shower nozzle, no faucet with which to run an actual bath, and clean white towels, washrags and even thin, sand-colored toothbrushes had been supplied. After making use of the toilet, Hoku reached back to flush it, but couldn¡¯t find the handle. The reason why soon became apparent. Without warning, a thunderous noise and a rush of air sent him flying for the door.


    Ikari was waiting on the bed for him when the door flew open. He read Hoku¡¯s expression.


    ¡°It¡¯s just an automatic flush system, Hoku. You¡¯ve seen those before. You don¡¯t have to be scared of that."


    Hoku felt foolish for having overreacted in front of another person, even if that person was only his big brother. ¡°I know.¡±


    He inched back into the bathroom to lower the toilet seat and wash his hands. By setting the seat in place and moving away, though, he set the flush system off once again. Hoku didn¡¯t think that he would grow to be a fan of the ghostly howling that this toilet gave off whenever it sucked water down its drain. Still, this was better for them than having to leave the room and find their way through this building to a bathroom every time they needed it. Hoku had a habit of getting up to go again and again in the middle of the night.


    Ikari rolled the thin woolen quilts back on each bed so that they could climb beneath them. Once he¡¯d done that, he turned the lights out and climbed into the outer bed. This left Hoku with the bed that was nearest to the window. Hoku knew that lying on the outside and affording him greater closeness to the light of the moon were Ikari¡¯s ways of making him feel safe, and they did help some, especially the second gesture, for he had become a little afraid of the dark lately. The bed arrangement, however, also meant that he might disturb Ikari every time he passed him to use the bathroom.


    Still, Hoku climbed into his own bed without protesting and pulled the quilt up around him. The cold air seeped through the weaving of the blanket, which wasn¡¯t very large, without much difficulty. He maneuvered his feet under the bedsheets and crossed them to keep his toes warm. Lying there, he gazed out through the window at the night sky and the pale moon. He knew that it must be shining down upon Mom and Dad¡¯s graves. Could their spirits be up there with that moon?


    His eyes grew heavy, and he closed them, but couldn¡¯t sleep yet. He listened to Ikari¡¯s stirring and the sound of his breathing. When his breathing changed, Hoku knew that he was asleep.


    Sleep claimed Hoku before he realized it was happening. The urge to use the restroom seemed to wake him once every hour or so. Each time, he flinched at the thundering of the toilet and saw Ikari toss and turn when he exited the bathroom. The restroom had a stupid door that sprang shut by itself if allowed to, and it wasn¡¯t quiet or gentle about it. Hoku, in his forgetfulness, sometimes tried to leave the door open to avoid disturbing Ikari further by closing it. Every time he made that mistake, the door slammed as if it were being pushed by a gust of wind.


    In spite of this, Hoku didn¡¯t have a great deal of trouble getting back to sleep between bathroom interruptions. This was a mercy, for, not long after dawnbreak, as had been promised, the door opened, and Kosui-san entered, wheeling a cart laced with medical equipment in front of her.


    ¡°Ikari-kun, Hoku-kun? Sit up, sweethearts. I need to take your temperatures and your vitals.¡±


    The boys sat up long enough to have their temperatures, heartbeats and pulses checked. When Kosui-san left, they sank back under the covers till, all too soon, the sun was up and the door opened once again.


    ¡°It¡¯s time to get up.¡± The voice and silhouette belonged to a lady whom Hoku didn¡¯t recognize - neither Kosui-san nor Momoniki-san. ¡°You can come to the hall closet and get your hygiene things. After you wash up, we¡¯re going to have breakfast.¡±


    Hoku dragged himself out of bed. That night¡¯s sleep had just dulled the edge of his tiredness, and Ikari was faring no better; there were shadows under his eyes.


    But today¡¯s the day we get medicine, and we can go back to bed in just thirteen hours. We¡¯ve just got to hold out for a little while longer.

 Chapter Three

    ¡°Couldn¡¯t you have waited?¡± Ikari remarked when Hoku rejoined him in the bedroom. ¡°It¡¯s wasteful to dirty the hospital things up when we¡¯ve already got our own.¡±


    ¡°But it will be stupid if we have to go get our stuff out of some hall and then put it back every single morning.¡±


    Hoku hadn¡¯t come of an age where he needed deodorant, but Ikari made him apply it regardless. He forced him to lather a washcloth and scrub his face properly. The dampness of their skin made them colder than before, but they donned their masks and headed for the main area.


    Mizumi and Tengoku were sitting at the table. In the main area with them were three other children - eight-year-old Ajisai, whom Tengoku had mentioned before, dark-haired 12-year-old Teishuki, and ten-year-old blond Daichi.


    Most of the children were dutifully wearing masks even as they sat together, whispered and worked in coloring books. Ajisai, however, was barefaced. Ikari accosted the little girl.


    ¡°Hey - Ajisai-chan. Aren¡¯t you going to put on a mask?¡±


    ¡°What¡¯s the point?¡± was her answer. ¡°We¡¯re all eating together, and we can¡¯t eat with masks on. It¡¯s hard to breathe through those things, anyway.¡±


    ¡°Even if we¡¯re together in here, we still have to be careful,¡± Hoku insisted. ¡°We could spread germs and get eachother sick.¡±


    ¡°I¡¯ve already been here for a week. If we were going to give eachother the virus, I bet we¡¯d all have it already. Lighten up. It¡¯s not like we¡¯ll get in trouble with the grownups; they don¡¯t care about the masks.¡±


    Hoku had to admit to himself that Ajisai¡¯s logic appealed to him, mostly because being able to see the faces of the kids with whom he¡¯d be spending so much time would make them feel more like good friends to him. Still, out of loyalty to Ikari, he didn¡¯t remove his mask.


    ¡°Ajisai-chan, do you know who the lady behind the desk today is?¡± The lady in question was the same one who had woken him.


    ¡°Oh, that¡¯s Junko-san. The lady who¡®s locking all the doors is Nijiko-san.¡±


    ¡°But where¡¯d Momoniki-san go?¡±


    ¡°She went home while we were asleep.¡±


    ¡°They work shifts, Hoku,¡± Ikari explained. ¡°They can¡¯t stay here with us all day and night; they have to go home sometime.¡±


    Hoku deduced that Kosui-san, too, had gone home and that Nijiko-san was her replacement.


    ¡°Do you guys know where the bathroom is?¡± Ikari inquired.


    ¡°It¡¯s over there.¡± Daichi indicated a door that sat to the right of the cubicle. ¡°But they keep it locked, so if you need to go, you have to ask for permission.¡±


    The conversation was interrupted by Nijiko-san, who came to stand behind the couch.


    The children got to their feet. As they filed out of the main area and down the hallway that led past the bedrooms, Hoku could hear Teishuki murmuring to Ikari, ¡°You guys are lucky you came on a Wednesday. Just three more days until it¡¯s over for the week! I hate therapy.¡±


    They assembled in a cafeteria for breakfast. It didn¡¯t take long for Hoku to decide that he disliked this room. Like the main area, it was warmer than the bedrooms were, but there were several large windows, which afforded him a view of the blue sky and the green tree-branches that framed it and allowed the sunlight to come pouring in. The rays of light formed rings on the floor and the surface of the booth table - golden rings that made him think of the halos of angels.


    The hot food had been divided up into little plastic containers, which had been arranged in stacks upon a table along with pieces of fruit, tiny boxes of dry cereal and cartons of milk. When Hoku came up to the table to serve himself, he took notice of the paintings that had been put up on the wall behind it. Several of them were of flower-filled forests and sunlit mountains. Others were words of wisdom - platitudes such as Never give up on your dreams and Love is everywhere - painted in gold, silver and rose against colored backgrounds.


    Hoku did his best to follow Ikari¡¯s example and eat his breakfast, but he lacked even a trace of an appetite. He discovered that he wasn¡¯t the only one who struggled to eat. Teishuki sat across from him and buried her face into her hands, but the tears that she was attempting to hide came rolling down onto her wrists in gleaming streaks. Her food remained untouched.


    Hoku ventured to speak to her. ¡°Teishuki-chan? . . . Are you. . .okay?¡±


    Teishuki shook her head. When she wiped her eyes, the long right sleeve of her blouse fell back, revealing the ends of two thick, deep scars. Ikari pinched Hoku¡®s knee - his way of telling him not to stare.


    Hoku¡¯s mind raced with questions. What had happened to Teishuki? Had someone hurt her horribly? Should he - did he dare ask?


    His unvoiced questions were soon answered.


    ¡°I can¡¯t eat,¡± Teishuki whispered. ¡°All I want to do is cut. I want to - so badly. But I know if I try, I¡¯ll never get out of the ward.¡±


    To cut? To cut what? It took a minute for Hoku to realize that Teishuki wanted to harm herself.


    ¡°Teishuki-chan. . .¡± Hoku trailed off. He wanted to be of some comfort, some help, but didn¡¯t know what to say.


    He had thought of hurting himself many times before, but only because he had seen it as a means of ending his misery for good. He hadn¡¯t truly wanted to hurt himself. But Teishuki had covered her own wrist with scars. She hadn¡¯t attempted to end her own life; she had just slashed her own skin, and she felt the urge to do it again. Why?


    Hoku and the other children might be in the same institution, he realized, but he still didn¡¯t know them. He didn¡¯t know their stories - and, if he did know - even then - would he understand what they were going through?


    Because it was the only way he could think of offering comfort, Hoku stood and reached across the table for Teishuki¡¯s hand. She leaned away so that she was out of his reach.


    ¡°No. I - I¡¯m sorry, but please . . .don¡¯t touch me.¡±


    Embarrassed, but trying to understand, Hoku sat back down and left the girl alone. Mizumi said softly, ¡°I¡¯m sorry, Teishuki-chan.¡±


    Motegi-san, the woman who was in charge of food service, stopped beside the table to address Teishuki. ¡°Teishuki-chan, sweetie, are you okay? Aren¡¯t you going to eat your food?¡±


    In response to both questions, Teishuki shook her head. Hoku supposed that Motegi-san must not have known what to do, either, for she went on about her work without another word.


    It was impossible for Hoku to eat anything more with Teishuki, who sat actoss from him, in that state. Ikari didn¡¯t try to push him.


    When breakfast was over, they all piled back into the main area, where they were greeted by the therapist, Rinko-san. Teishuki had managed to stop crying by this time. She sat down on one of the armchairs, wrapped her arms around herself, and huddled up into a little ball.


    Rinko-san distributed what appeared to be worksheets. ¡°I want all of you to fill these out for me. These will let me know how you¡¯re feeling today, where you¡¯re at, and give us more information about you. After that, we¡¯re going to talk about how we feel.¡±


    Hoku found a pen and used a book to prop his worksheet up. The sheet was a list of questions and checklists. He had to indicate whether he was feeling depressed or anxious, how severe his depression was at the moment and whether he felt any desire to harm himself or others. He also had to indicate whether he had any ¡°triggers.¡± Though he was certain nothing could be done about these, he wrote talking about death and sunlight.


    The papers were collected, and then, at Rinko-san¡¯s prompting, they all put what they had written about their current moods into words. Mizumi admitted to feeling sad. Ajisai did the same and added that she wanted to go home.


    ¡°I miss my room. And I miss my dog, Pochi-chan.¡±


    Hoku couldn¡¯t help but to notice that he and Ajisai were the youngest ward patients, the only eight-year-olds in the group. Was it strange for third-graders to need ¡°professional help¡±? Had Ajisai asked to be sent away, as he had, or had her parents decided for her that she must go?


    Tengoku, when his turn came to speak, said that he was feeling jittery and on edge. ¡°Ever since I started taking the meds, my heart¡¯s felt weird. It feels like it¡¯s sort of numb and keeps. . .trembling in my chest.¡±


    When asked how he felt, Ikari said that he was tired. Hoku didn¡¯t know what he had written on his sheet. Though he himself had described his depression in writing, when his turn came to share, he said, ¡°I feel okay, I guess.¡±


    Teishuki confessed again that she wanted to cut. She shared a story with Rinko-san that shocked Hoku.


    ¡°I¡¯ve been to Kaireinomiru Institute for help two times before, and I want this to be my last time, but I have a feeling it won¡¯t.


    ¡°My parents died when I was too little to remember them. My grandma and grandpa took care of me till I was eight. Then I got taken away from them. I was kidnapped. It was two years before I or the other women and kids who had been taken along with me were saved. Even now, I don¡¯t feel safe. Any little thing can bring the feelings back.¡±


    There were sympathetic faces, but none of the other children seemed to be shocked by Teishuki¡¯s words the way that Hoku was. He guessed that they had already heard her story before.


    xxxxxxxxxxxxxx


    Hoku hated the group therapy room. Situated a few rooms down from the cafeteria, it, too, had large unblinded windows - two of them - that invited the sunlight in. It was cold, there were only hard steel and plastic chairs to sit in, and it had a strange smell, one that reminded him of stale ramen broth, for lack of a better simile.


    Their group therapist was Tazuki-san, a tall, bald man, and when he opened the morning session by asking everyone to talk about his feelings yet again, Hoku knew that this would be a grueling 1.5 hours.


    It wasn¡¯t difficult for him to see why Teishuki said that she hated therapy. They were encouraged to pour their hearts out, to reflect on their feelings, to fill out more worksheets and bubble graphs, to learn about positive thinking, to reject self-pity, to know that they deserved to be okay. Those all sounded good in theory, but Hoku declined to speak and sat studying his hands, though he obediently filled the worksheets out. He had tried again and again to think positively in the past and had ended it all feeling like a liar. He had tried to believe that he deserved to be okay and had only succeeded in feeling guiltier and a little more worthless than before. Rejecting self-pity sounded like a wise thing to do, but, when he tried to do it, felt impotent and empty.


    With all of that in mind, he didn¡¯t want to talk about or reflect on his pain. Others were dealing with worse - Teishuki was fighting not to fall apart; Ajisai, Tengoku and Mizumi all had bipolar disorder. Hoku, Ikari and Daichi were the only patients who had come here because of depression alone, and neither Ikari nor Daichi had even come entirely of their own volition - Daichi had been hospitalized, then institutionalized a week before after he¡¯d admitted to a friend that he was trying to end his own life by drinking transmission fluid.


    At last, the session ended. The patients piled back into the main area. Hoku, who had to go to the bathroom, approached Junko-san, who unlocked the door. When he entered, he found not only the restroom, but, across from it, a door onto which a sign had been pasted. QUIET ROOM. This must be the room that Momoniki-san had mentioned before. Hoku considered asking about a nap when he returned to the main area, but decided against it. He didn¡¯t want a nap; he wanted to sleep for hours. The couch in the main area looked comfortable enough. He could rest without having to bother the staff or worrying about being interrupted after a set time.


    As he exited the bathroom and headed for the couch, Junko-san called him. ¡°Hoku-kun, Dr. Ali wants to speak with you.¡±


    Hoku met with Dr. Ali, a slim, dark-skinned man with a kind face, in a small, brightly-lit room that had been dubbed ¡±the art room.¡± Sitting across from him at the white table, he questioned him about the severity of the depression and jotted things down on the notepad he¡¯d brought with him.


    ¡°Son, I¡¯m going to put you on 25 milligrams of sertraline. You will take it once a day. Along with that, we¡¯ll put you on 5 milligrams of melatonin to help with your sleep.¡±


    ¡°Yes, sir.¡± Hoku didn¡¯t know what sertraline and melatonin were, but knowing that his medication had been arranged at last filled him with relief and hope.


    ¡°Good boy. Do you have any questions for me?¡±


    ¡°When am I going to get my medicine?¡±


    Dr. Ali¡¯s warm brown eyes smiled at him. ¡°I¡¯ll hand the prescription in before I leave. The staff here usually dispenses medicine in the mornings and at night.¡±


    Ikari, like Hoku, was prescribed sertraline and melatonin. It seemed that everyone had been put on melatonin. Tengoku might dislike the medicine he¡¯d been put on for his bipolar disorder, but no one had any complaints about the sleep medication. And almost everyone was tired and longed for sleeping medicine and bedtime. Hoku had never before met or been a part of such a big group of children who were so eager to go to bed in the daytime.


    Tengoku turned the television set on, and everyone curled up on the couch and armchairs. Perhaps influenced by Ajisai¡¯s attitude, several kids removed their masks and tossed them aside. Some cartoon was on, but Hoku couldn¡¯t feel the brightness or find the humor in any of it the way that he would have before. Ikari, who sat beside him, was only half-watching, and the same was true of many of the others, who were more interested in using the chairs as napping spots.


    The only one who didn¡¯t seem to be drained was Ajisai. She was a constant talker and doer.


    ¡°Look, Hoku-kun, Ikari-kun!¡± She thrust a sheet of paper at the brothers. ¡°I drew you both. Do you like it?¡±


    The picture was startingly good. Ajisai, like Ikari, was a talented artist. Hoku was impressed, but lacked the energy to acknowledge her with more than a nod.


    ¡°I gave you black eyes, but I gave Ikari-kun really dark brown eyes. When I look at his, I can see a little bit of brown, not like yours.¡±


    Hoku gave another nod. Ajisai installed herself beside him, on the arm of the couch. ¡°This show¡¯s one of my favorites. Joji¡¯s so funny. I always laugh so much, it makes my family think I¡¯m crazy.¡±


    Her laughter at Joji, however, didn¡¯t keep her silent or preoccupied for more than two minutes.


    ¡°I can¡¯t wait to get out of here. I miss Pochi so much. He¡¯s so cute. I got him when he was just a puppy. I was five, so its just like we grew up together.¡±


    Hoku didn¡¯t feel much like socializing, said little and did less, but he liked Ajisai. In fact, he liked all of the other kids so far.


    ¡°Junko-san¡¯s mean,¡± Teishuki remarked, careful to speak quietly so that she wouldn¡¯t be overheard. ¡°I get headaches all the time. I asked her for an aspirin yesterday, and she took two hours to get to me. When I asked her again, she got an attitude with me.¡±


    Hoku felt sorry for Teishuki, but, having waited three hours to be admitted into the ward and at least two more hours to receive a bed, he couldn¡¯t say that he was surprised about the aspirin issue. As for Junko-san¡¯s having had an attitude, he had been taught that children should obey adults without arguing and that it wasn¡¯t a good thing to burden others with one¡¯s problems.


    Ensure your favorite authors get the support they deserve. Read this novel on the original website.¡°Nijiko-san isn¡¯t much better,¡± Tengoku pitched in. ¡°She has the keys to the outside door, but she¡®ll only let us go outside three times a day for ten minutes, and that¡¯s on a good day. I hate being inside all the time.¡±


    ¡°Is Momonoki-san nice?¡± Hoku asked.


    ¡°Momonoki-san¡¯s cool. She comes in around dinnertime. She lets us have snacks, and sometimes she lets us use the radio. It can connect to her computer, so she can use the internet to pull up our songs and send them to the radio.¡±


    ¡°The radio connects to the computer?¡± Ikari, who was fond of music, remarked. ¡°That is cool.¡±


    Teishuki approached the cubicle. ¡°Junko-san, can we have an outside break now?¡±


    Junko-san glanced at her watch. ¡°Nijiko-san will be back in a minute. I¡¯ll ask her to let you out then.¡±


    Hoku didn¡¯t want to go outdoors, but Ikari and the others did, and he didn¡¯t want to make a fuss about himself. So Nijiko-san unlocked the glass door, and the children flocked out into the sunshine. The outside-break area was a grassy circle. In it were black steel sitting booths; lush trees, green-golden with sunlight and drooping with lacy leaves, surrounded and overlooked it.


    ¡°I want to play tag!¡± Ajisai clamored. ¡°Who wants to play? Somebody come play tag with me!¡±


    Two of the bigger boys, Ikari and Daichi, joined her in a game to entertain her. Mizumi and Teishuki sat together on a booth and conversed in soft tones. Tengoku just lay back in the grass, folded his arms behind his head and bathed in sunlight. Hoku decided to sit down a few feet away from him. He tried to remember what Tazuki-san had said about positive thinking.


    It¡¯s been a long time since Oniichan and I¡¯ve actually been outside in the sun. We¡¯re always inside because of COVID. He gazed up into the blue sky. I don¡¯t like it when the sun creeps into a cold, lonely room, but out here, where I can see the whole thing, it¡¯s not so bad. It¡¯s. . .kind of beautiful, I guess.


    When Nijiko-san came to the door to call them inside, Hoku had to shake Tengoku, who had begun to doze off in the grass. Back indoors and on the couch, he himself curled up beside Ikari and, along with him, tried his best to nap. They must have fallen asleep, for the next thing that he knew, Ikari, rubbing his drowsy eyes, was poking him with his free hand.


    ¡°Come on, Hoku. We have to eat lunch now.¡±


    xxxxxxxxx


    After lunch came another hour and a half in group therapy. Then the children returned to the main area to scribble at coloring books and stare at the TV.


    ¡°Everyone, please be careful about what you turn to,¡± Nijiko-san admonished. ¡°Shows that contain violence and bad language can be a trigger for some patients. Let¡¯s be mindful of our friends.¡±


    Noone seemed to be interested in heeding that advice, for, just a few minutes later, Tengoku turned to Family Guy, an American cartoon that, despite its name, Hoku was sure wasn¡¯t meant for children even at the best of times.


    As bald-headed Stewie was tasked with solving a grisly murder case and made wisecracking jokes that Hoku didn¡¯t at all understand, Tengoku and Teishuki laughed and speculated about what would happen next.


    xxxxxxxxxxx


    The sky paled, then dimmed. Late afternoon became evening. Around 6 PM, Momoniki-san and Kosui-san appeared to relieve Junko-san and Nijiko-san of their shift.


    Kosui-san led the children into the cafeteria for dinner. Not even Ikari, who always tried to set an example for Hoku and who had braved the bland breakfast and lunch, was willing to endure what was served - limp, salty, oversauced vegetables, sticky rice, and slimy salmon that tasted as though it hadn¡¯t been seasoned at all. Noone took more than a bite or two except for Mizumi and Teishuki, who ate without complaint because she¡¯d skipped her other meals and was ravenous.


    Hoku spoke to her for the second time since they¡¯d met. ¡°I¡®m happy you¡¯re eating, Teishuki-chan.¡±


    Teishuki didn¡¯t stop eating to answer him; she only nodded. But when they were in the living area once again, she asked Kosui-san to let her into her room for a moment so that she could change into her pajamas. Upon returning, she showed Hoku her pink top, the front of which had been embroidered with glittering lavender letters.


    I¡¯m a SURVIVOR.


    Teishuki traced the letters with her thumb. ¡°I picked this shirt out myself. This is what I want to be - a survivor, not a victim like I was in the past.¡°


    She paused, hesitated and swallowed before going on. ¡°That¡¯s why I keep coming back here to Kaireinomiru Institute and tell people my story. Even though it¡¯s scary to even think about talking about it. . .with every time I tell it, it gets less scary. I want to be able to tell my story. As soon as I¡¯m old enough, I want to help people who¡®ve gone through what I¡¯ve gone through.¡±


    It was Hoku¡¯s turn to remain silent. Teishuki-chan¡¯s so brave. I don¡¯t know what it would be like to be kidnapped - taken away from your family for years and years. I don¡¯t even understand WHY people want to kidnap other people. When I asked Mom and Dad and oniichan, they said it was something I¡¯d learn about when I was older. All I know now is that Teishuki-chan lost her whole childhood. If that happened to me, all I¡®d want to do was try to get it back - and forget about all of the bad things that had happened. Isn¡¯t that what happens in all the movies that have happy endings?


    Thanks to Teishuki¡¯s overture, Hoku did come out of his shell a little. He sat beside her at the table and, while she colored flowers, attempted to draw, though the resulting pictures were nothing to boast about.


    ¡°That looks great, Hoku-kun,¡± Mizumi was kind enough to say of his attempt at a portrait of Teishuki.


    She was more earnest in her praise of Ikari, who had done a beautiful sketch of some mermaid-like creature that he had designed himself. ¡°Ikari-kun, that¡¯s really great! There are so many talented kids here.¡±


    Hoku didn¡¯t mind the fact that Mizumi was more impressed with his oniichan¡¯s work than with his; it was to be expected. Still, he had always thought that it would be nice if he were talented at something other than playing make-believe.


    Teishuki was still working dedicatedly on her coloring book. She was filling the leaves of the flowers in. So far, her work was as beautiful as the art on the book¡¯s front cover was. Hoku peered over.


    ¡°That¡¯s so pretty, Teishuki-chan.¡±


    Tengoku was as skilled at coloring as Teishuki was. Neither Daichi nor Ajisai were using crayons or pencils, though. Hoku turned away from the table to find that Ajisai was sitting on an armchair with a stack of colored paper and scattered colored pencils lying abandoned at her feet. Her pink, tear-streaked face was in her hands. Daichi sat beside her, rubbing her back.


    Hoku left the table and made his way over to crouch next to her. ¡°Ajisai-chan? . . . Are you okay?¡±


    Ajisai shook her head.


    ¡°I don¡¯t want to be locked up in here.¡± The words came out in shaky whispers. ¡°I want to go home.¡±


    ¡°Ajisai-chan¡¯s foster parents sent her here,¡± Daichi explained. ¡°They called the police and told them she wasn¡¯t being safe, and they put her on an ambulance and brought her straight here.¡±


    ¡°It wasn¡¯t my fault,¡± Ajisai managed out. ¡°I didn¡¯t mean to do all the things I did. I wasn¡¯t trying to be bad.¡±


    Hoku was silent, unwilling to interrupt or risk saying the wrong thing, so she went on. ¡°I was on the internet, and I found my favorite singer, Hinoda Ikimono, on Twitter. So I sent her a message to say how much I loved her, and she messaged me back. I got so excited. We sent lots of messages to eachother. She called me an awesome fan. I couldn¡¯t stop dreaming of being a great singer just like her. I felt so happy and excited that I forgot everything except for my dream. I left my foster parents a note saying I was going off on my own to start my career. I was supposed to go to school that day, but instead, I packed my bags and left home. I know the way I acted was bad, and I¡¯m sorry. They didn¡¯t have to lock me away like that. I just want to be back in my room with Pochi.¡±


    Tentatively, remembering the way that Teishuki had felt about touching, Hoku offered his hand to Ajisai. She took it.


    Somehow, they found themselves walking together around the main area, still clutching hands. They strolled around the circle of furniture, then back again. Hoku could feel Momonoki-san¡¯s eyes upon them and supposed that it did look strange - their walking around indoors like this. But they were careful to avoid bumping into the cubicle or getting underfoot of Kosui-san, who passed them sometimes.


    ¡°I know you hate it here,¡± Hoku said, ¡°but you don¡¯t need to be scared. So long as you¡¯re here, you¡¯ve got us. You won¡¯t be all alone.¡±


    ¡°Thank you.¡± Ajisai¡¯s voice still cracked, but she could talk more easily now. ¡°Do you have bipolar, too?¡±


    ¡°No.¡± Hoku kept his eyes on the floor tiles ahead. ¡°The doctors say I have depression.¡±


    ¡±Oh. I get that sometimes, too.¡±


    They didn¡¯t say a great deal after that. When they did talk, it was mostly about the things that they missed and longed for. Ajisai wanted to be reunited with her dog, Pochi, her friends and her beloved music albums.


    For the first time since his admission into the ward, Hoku opened up to someone about the reasons for his sadness, and, for the second time ever, he was honest about all of his fears.


    ¡±I miss our mom and dad. I used to believe in God, but now the whole world¡¯s different. So many people are sick and dying. Our parents died. . .even little babies are dying. I want to be good like my family wants me to. . . but I¡¯m scared of God now. I - I don¡¯t know what to think anymore.¡±


    He had admitted to Uncle Luqman before that he was afraid that God didn¡¯t love him, but he had never admitted to anyone except Ikari that he wasn¡¯t certain he believed in God at all. Uncle Luqman, Grandma and Grandpa would have all been shocked and disappointed. Hoku knew that Ajisai wouldn¡¯t judge him.


    What she did say, however, didn¡¯t make him any happier. ¡°It¡¯s okay. I don¡¯t believe in God, either.¡°


    Hoku¡¯s grip on her hand loosened.


    ¡±I just believe in the universe,¡± Ajisai went on, seeming to take no note of Hoku¡¯s reaction. ¡±I think it¡¯s magical, like a huge spirit we¡¯re all part of. I learned in science class that we all come from stars, and I think it¡¯s so cool.¡±


    Ajisai-chan, don¡¯t! Don¡¯t say things like that. If God¡¯s real, He¡¯ll get you. He¡¯ll make it so you¡¯ll never smile again. . .just like He¡¯ll do to me.


    Ajisai said a few more things, but Hoku didn¡¯t hear any of them. All of his weariness had returned, and when they approached the couch once again, he muttered, ¡°I - I think I need to sit down now.¡±


    The clock read 7:45 now. Only an hour and a quarter until bedtime - until medicine. The lady whom they¡¯d met in the waiting room had said that it would take about a week for the medicine to begin having an effect, so Hoku didn¡¯t hope to feel better overnight. But every hour that passed without his having started the process of healing was one hour too many.


    The TV was still on. Daichi had changed to the food channel. On this particular episode of a cooking show, chefs from various countries and cultural backgrounds appeared to display their talents. A Jewish lady fried golden-brown blintzes just the way her grandmother had made them. A proud Pakistani Muslim man basted lamb cuts that he was roasting with potatoes. A young American baker iced the cake that he and his husband had made together.


    Hoku imagined a world in which everyone was a devout Christian. Ajisai, the chefs on TV, his Shintoist friends at school - none of them could exist. The thought made him feel darker and lonelier than ever before.


    But what about Mom and Dad? He sat up with a start. They believed in God. What would they think if I said I didn¡¯t know . . .or even wasn¡¯t Christian anymore?


    Well, they can¡¯t know now. I can¡¯t tell them - they can¡¯t be sad or mad or just say they love oniichan and me no matter what we do - because they¡¯re gone. Hoku huddled up and buried his head into the circle of his arms. And it¡¯s all my fault if I can¡¯t imagine I¡¯ll see them again one day. I SHOULD believe in God no matter how scared I am - and love Him and not complain - so I can believe Mom and Dad will be happy forever. They DESERVED to be angels. It¡¯s just like with Tinkerbell in Peter Pan. She would¡¯ve died if nobody believed in fairies. Maybe Mom¡¯s and Dad¡¯s and everyone else¡¯s lives have been full of sadness all because of bad people like me.


    Hoku allowed a few hot tears to fall. A moment later, he felt the couch cushion beside him sink beneath someone¡¯s weight, then the resting of a gentle hand on his back. He recognized Ikari¡¯s touch, leaned into it and stuck one arm back to wrap it around his brother.


    When 9:00 came, everyone got up, and the TV went off. Hoku resisted the urge he felt to fly up to the cubicle ahead of the others. The seven children had to form a line in the strip of hallway that lay behind it. Hooked to one of the walls was a telephone. Across from that was a walled-off section of the cubicle. It had a shuttered window and a counter that Ayami-san, the nurse who was in charge of meds, used to dispense them.


    Hoku was in line behind Mizumi, Tengoku, Ajisai and Daichi. It seemed to take an eternity for Ayami-san to serve them. As Hoku watched, she deposited pills and tablets into tiny, clear plastic cups, removed drinking cups from a stack, poured water from a jug into them, and handed them and the medicine over.


    Hoku got up to the counter, at last. His eyes followed Ayami-san¡¯s hands. She plunked a tablet into a tiny cup and handed it to him along with his water. ¡°Five grams of melatonin for your sleep.¡±


    Hoku accepted both cups, but he didn¡¯t understand. ¡°Thank you. But. . .Ayami-san, what about my other medicine?¡±


    Ayami-san¡¯s forehead wrinkled. ¡°Your other medicine? Sweetie, all you¡¯ve been prescribed for tonight is melatonin.¡±


    Had Dr. Ali made a mistake? ¡°But I¡¯m supposed to get medicine to help with my depression, too - both me and Oniichan.¡±


    ¡°Not tonight you aren¡¯t. That should start tomorrow evening. This is your first time being on either of these meds, isn¡¯t it? Taking them both at the same time on your first night wouldn¡¯t be a good idea, anyway. You¡¯d be jittery, and you don¡¯t want that when you¡¯re trying to get sleep.¡±


    Hoku should have appreciated Ayami-san¡¯s logic, but he turned away without saying anything. He swallowed his tablet and the  before the lump of bitter disappointment began to gather in his throat, then tossed his cups into the nearby wastebasket.


    The doors were unlocked, so there was nothing left for him to do but to retire to his room. When Ikari joined him there, he was lying on his bed with his face buried into a pillow.


    ¡°Hoku?¡± Once again, he felt his brother¡¯s hand passing over his back in slow, gentle circles.


    ¡°Shhhh. . . Hoku. It¡¯s okay. It¡¯s going to be all right.¡±


    Hoku¡¯s voice was muffled by the tear-sodden pillow. ¡°I know Mom and Dad can¡¯t come back. . .and we have eachother. I just want to feel okay again. . .even just a little bit okay.¡±


    ¡°We will.¡± Ikari pulled Hoku into a sitting position so that he could meet his eyes. ¡°We will feel okay again. I promise. Remember, that¡¯s why we¡¯re here. We just have to keep trying to get ourselves better.¡±


    Ikari¡¯s voice sprang the tiniest of cracks. Hoku was startled - Ikari hadn¡¯t expressed an opinion either way about being here since he¡¯d caught Hoku talking to the police- until now.


    Hoku wasn¡¯t ready to believe that everything would be all right. But there would be time to worry about that tomorrow. The short night that he¡¯d had yesterday, the exhaustion from crying and - perhaps - the sleep meds were all beginning to take their toll upon him. His body was beginning to ache, and his eyes were growing heavy, as were Ikari¡¯s. Ikari, with his tired face and the troubled lines between his eyes, looked as if he were far older than eleven.

 Chapter Four

    Ikari invited Hoku to cuddle up with him in his bed that night. Hoku thought that he¡¯d wake his brother up with his trips to the restroom again, but he need not have worried. Ikari fell asleep less than five minutes after burrowing down into the blankets, and Hoku followed soon after.


    It was a peaceful, dreamless sort of sleep, the hours of which seemed to take their time passing by and yet pass too swiftly all at once. Hoku still woke up to stumble through the dark to the bathroom, but only three or four times tonight. And none of the noise disturbed Ikari, who slept like a rock.


    As with yesterday morning, Kosui-san came in early to take the drowsy boys¡¯ temperatures and vitals, and an hour later, it was time to get up. They had slept for close to ten hours by this time, and the sleep had been pleasant, but somehow it hadn¡¯t been enough, for they were still tired. Hoku¡¯s head felt a little heavy. He didn¡¯t eat anything at breakfast, and he declined to speak in group therapy.


    Tazuki-san talked alot about overcoming addictions, stating that only by striving to overcome them could the children recover from their pain. To defeat an addiction, he declared, one must embrace honesty, self-control and the power of friendship, but, above all those other things, must place one¡¯s trust in a higher power. Hoku wasn¡¯t certain what destructive addictions had to do with having depression, bipolar disorder or triggers. After an hour of Tazuki-san¡¯s going on in this manner, however, Hoku realized that what he was hinting at was self-harm.


    He didn¡¯t engage in self-harm, and he didn¡¯t want to hear anything more about a higher power. But Ikari had come here because of him and was trying to believe that they could get better. So he listened when Tazuki-san spoke and did his seatwork. It wasn¡¯t as though he had much of a choice, anyway. There was nothing else for him to do but listen when he was in this ugly-smelling room, surrounded by people who were all talking about their feelings, and Tengoku had said that patients who didn¡¯t do as they were told with regard to therapy and classwork had to stay longer in the ward.


    Art therapy was a different story. Rinko-san, who had asked the children to fill out checklists about their feelings and triggers yesterday morning, returned after morning group therapy to pile them into the cafeteria. With her she¡¯d brought a radio. As a singer belted out a Japanese dub of ¡°Daisies¡± by Katy Perry, Rinko-san distributed paper cutouts that were shaped like the petals, stems and leaves of daisies.


    ¡°They told me I was out there, tried to knock me down. Took those sticks and stones, showed them I could build a house!¡± the singer shouted. ¡°They tell me that I''m crazy, but I''ll never let them change me, ''Til they cover me in daisies, daisies, daisies!¡±


    Ajisai danced in her seat. ¡°That¡¯s one of my favorite songs!¡±


    ¡±Mine, too.¡± Rinko-san set a bottle of glue and a large bin of crayons and markers on the table. ¡°You can all color your petals in, then glue them, the stems and the leaves together to make daisies.¡±


    As the others crayoned and pasted away, Hoku sat and stared at his materials. He wanted to cooperate by crafting daisies, but he couldn¡¯t.


    ¡°Hoku-kun?¡± Rinko-san, making her way around the table, halted to address him after some time. ¡°Is everything okay? Don¡¯t you want to color your flower?¡±


    ¡°No, ma¡¯am.¡° Hoku studied his hands.


    ¡°Why not?¡±


    ¡°Because I don¡¯t like the song.¡±


    ¡°Well. . .all right. I¡¯m sorry you didn¡¯t like the song. You don¡¯t have to make a daisy if you¡¯d rather not. You can take some of the colored paper and draw whatever you like.¡±


    Figuring that he might as well appear to participate in some way, Hoku helped himself to a sheet of pink paper, on which he drew a sloppy rose and another flower of some kind. He peered over at Ikari, who had given each point of his daisy a different color - one was pink, one was indigo-blue, one was lavender, one was golden, and so on - and was now using a chocolate-brown pencil to fill in the velvety center of the bloom.


    After Rinko-san announced an end to the art session, Hoku and the others all helped to clear and wipe the cafeteria table off. They took an outdoors break, and then they retired to the main area. Nijiko-san announced that it was lunchtime. This time, Hoku didn¡¯t bother to leave his spot on the armchair. He had put in more than enough time in that cafeteria, and he never ate anything, anyway.


    ¡°Hoku-kun?¡± Nijiko-san came to stand at the arm of the chair and peered down at him. ¡°Are you going to have lunch, sweetheart?¡±


    Hoku whispered, ¡°No, ma¡¯am.¡±


    Nijiko-san and the others left him alone. Hoku curled up into the inner arm of the couch and closed his eyes.


    ¡°Hoku.¡± It was Ikari, who took him by the shoulder and gave him a gentle shake. ¡°Come on, Hoku, get up. Let¡¯s go eat.¡±


    ¡°Not hungry. You eat, Oniichan.¡±


    Ikari shook him a few more times, but he didn¡¯t budge. Seeming to see that there was no use in insisting, Ikari left, at last. In the silence, until he was called for afternoon group therapy, Hoku slept.


    xxxxxxxxxx


    Afternoon therapy, like that morning¡¯s therapy, was all about discussing one¡¯s feelings and overcoming addiction. When it was over, Hoku headed back to his spot on the armchair, though not before visiting the restroom. Though the door to the bathroom and quiet room area locked automatically upon closing and Junko-san held the keys to the bathroom, someone had stuck a whiteboard eraser on the floor between the door and the doorjamb to keep it open and unlocked for all of those who came after him or her. Hoku assumed it had been an act of courtesy on the part of the staff, for the eraser had been there for a few hours and noone had moved it. Hoku was grateful and was careful to put the eraser back into place when he exited the bathroom.


    Hoku huddled into himself once again and remained like that until he managed to doze off. Some time later, Ikari was shaking him again.


    ¡±Hoku, Grandma wants to talk to you. She¡¯s on the phone.¡±


    A groggy, confused Hoku dragged himself to his feet. He allowed Ikari to direct him to the telephone set across from the cubicle.


    ¡°Hello? . . . Grandma?¡±


    ¡°Hoku, I¡¯m glad to hear from you.¡± Grandma didn¡¯t sound as though she were thrilled about anything.


    ¡°Hi, Grandma.¡±


    ¡°Your uncle Luqman told me what happened. I was taken by surprise. I know you¡¯re in alot of pain, and it¡¯s been lonely with us all having to keep our distance from eachother. But you could have called me, darling. I¡¯m your grandma. Why did you have to call the police?¡±


    Hoku didn¡¯t know what to say in response to that.


    ¡°Do you want me to come and get you? You can stay at my house. I¡¯ll invite your cousins over; we¡¯ll just have to be careful about wearing masks and keeping things clean.¡±


    ¡°Grandma, we can¡¯t do that!¡±


    ¡±What on earth do you mean?¡±


    ¡±I can¡¯t leave the hospital whenever I want to. I have to get better first so they¡¯ll let me leave.¡±


    Besides, Hoku added to himself, I don¡¯t want to leave. I don¡¯t want to go to Grandma¡¯s house. She¡¯ll talk about God all of the time, and everyone will want to hang out with me or play, but I won¡¯t be any fun. And she¡¯ll want me to stay for days, maybe even for weeks or the whole summer. I do love Grandma, but she can¡¯t help me. Maybe no one can. And if Grandma can¡¯t help me, she¡¯ll be upset. I¡¯m not strong enough to pretend to be happy even for one whole day.


    Grandma did nothing to keep her concern and unhappiness out of her voice. ¡°But those mental hospitals are no good for you. Your second cousin Jiro dealt with mental illness, and he was institutionalized - you know that, don¡¯t you? They do bad things to people in those hospitals, things that aren¡¯t godly.¡±


    Not godly? But how? Will God get mad at me for trying to get help from the hospital instead of just at church? Hoku¡¯s thoughts raced. This was too much for him.


    ¡°Grandma, stop - please. They don¡¯t do bad things to people at the hospital! I like it here. They¡¯re making me better.¡±


    ¡°You don¡¯t sound happy to me. I just don¡¯t feel that a child should be the one making decisions like this. Are you at least remembering to say your prayers every night before bedtime?¡±


    ¡±Yes, ma¡¯am.¡± The phone receiver quivered in Hoku¡¯s hand.


    There was a pause, and then Grandma sounded as weary as he did. ¡°Well, then, I guess I¡¯ll let you go. Hand me back to your Oniichan.¡±


    After Grandma¡¯s, Hoku and Ikari got two other phone calls that day, one from Uncle Luqman, the other from their Aunt Sakura, both of whom wanted to check up on them. Hoku found out that the idea of him and Ikari being medicated and in a mental hospital wasn¡¯t the only thing that was worrying Uncle Luqman. He was also worried about the coronavirus.


    I guess it makes sense he¡¯s worried, he thought as he returned the phone receiver to the set. There are lots of people living together in here; we COULD catch COVID. I should be worried about getting it here. It took Mom and Dad away. I AM scared of the virus, but somehow I just don¡¯t have the energy to be scared of getting it from being here. I don¡¯t want Uncle Luqman to worry, either. Ajisai¡¯s probably right. We¡¯re not weak old people, and we aren¡¯t around any old, sick people, either. I hardly ever catch ANYTHING. If the others¡¯ve been here for days and are ok, we¡¯ll all be ok.


    After that, for Hoku, there was nothing but hours of waiting for bedtime to be announced and medicine to be dispensed.


    Late afternoon became evening, and evening became night. Hoku skipped dinner again, but when Momonoki-san set a bin of packaged cookies and crackers on the cubicle counter, even he went for a chocolate-covered rice cake. Mizumi, Daichi and Tengoku, with Momonoki-san¡¯s permission, gathered in the art room and raided the drawing and crafting supplies that were stored there. Ikari had stretched out on the couch and was asleep now, and Hoku laid his head on his shoulder and tried to return to sleep himself. But Kosui-san came over and clapped her hands, startling Ikari into wakefulness.


    ¡°Everyone, please sit on the couch and the armchairs; don¡¯t lie down. We need to make sure we aren¡¯t taking up space that other people could be using to sit.¡±


    Hoku didn¡¯t think that he¡¯d be able to fall asleep while sitting upright, so he gave up on sleeping for the moment. He took Ikari¡¯s hand, and they, along with Ajisai and Teishuki, joined the others in the art room.


    ¡°Here.¡± Sitting beside Hoku at the table, Ikari turned a sheet of white paper sideways. ¡°This way we can both draw on it. Let¡¯s draw our house. I¡¯ll do the right side, and you start working from the left, Hoku.¡±


    Hoku took up a pencil, though he admitted, ¡°I can¡¯t draw the way you can, Oniichan. The house will look stupid.¡±


    ¡°Don¡¯t be so negative. You¡¯re good at drawing. You just haven¡¯t practiced as long as I have. Let¡¯s start with the bottom of the house.¡±


    Encouraged by his brother, Hoku drew a few strokes. The others chatted quietly among themselves, and Ikari joined in with an answer once in a while. Everything was going as well for Hoku as could be expected.


    The narrative has been illicitly obtained; should you discover it on Amazon, report the violation.


    Then Teishuki began to sing. One or two lines into the song, Mizumi joined her, and then Daichi and Ajisai followed.


    ¡°Please, please, let me See the land of glory.


    Make me worthy


    For that¡¯s the place for me!¡±


    Hoku knew this song by heart. He imagined everyone did. It was from an animated film that he and Ikari had loved since they were tiny, a movie chronicling the adventures of a little boy, his lost puppy, and their quest to reunite with one another in the middle of the frozen land of Alaska. The movie, in its beginning credits, boasted, "Based on a true story!" and, as the ending credits rolled, a chorus of children sang "That''s the Place for Me."


    But the story the movie told was nothing like the true story behind the film. In real life, the little boy and the loyal dog for whom he¡¯d searched had died of hypothermia. The little boy had been found with his arms around his beloved friend¡¯s neck, stiff and frozen in their embrace.


    ¡°That¡¯s the Place for Me¡± had become so popular that the film studio had recorded a pop version of the song. This slow, soulful version was the one that everyone was singing. Almost every kid knew the real story behind the film, but if Mizumi and the others were aware of it, it didn¡¯t seem to make them at all uncomfortable. And, because they enjoyed singing it together so much, they sang it again and again.


    ¡°. . .Sometimes I lie down and gaze up at the blue sky


    And I can feel You when the birds and clouds go by.


    My heart is happy for I know You''re everywhere.


    How could I ever despair?


    "What color are Your eyes? Are they a happy blue?


    For when I see the sky, I feel I''m seeing You.


    I dream that I can fly and spirits sing with me.


    It''s my favorite fantasy!


    "Please be our Guide


    We want to play at Your side


    For eternity


    That''s the place for me!"


    After about seven rounds, the singing ended, much to Hoku¡¯s gratitude. Everyone busied himself with his art for a minute or two. Hoku and Ikari laughed at their house, which, thanks to Hoku¡¯s absentmindedness, was lopsided, with the foundations of the left half sagging below those of the right half.


    Then Mizumi said softly, ¡°Do you guys mind if I recite some of my favorite poetry? It helps me feel good - but only if it won¡¯t bother you.¡±


    Hoku had no desire to hear any other songs or poetry, but, like the others, he responded with, ¡°Sure, Mizumi-chan.¡±


    ¡°Thanks.¡± Mizumi took a breath and began.


    ¡°Do not go gentle into that good night,


    Old age should burn and rave at close of day;


    Rage, rage against the dying of the light.


    Though wise men at their end know dark is right,


    Because their words had forked no lightning they


    Do not go gentle into that good night.¡±


    Her fingers interlocked, and she pressed her palms together until her knuckles turned white.


    ¡°Good men, the last wave by, crying how bright


    Their frail deeds might have danced in a green bay,


    Rage, rage against the dying of the light.


    ¡°Wild men who caught and sang the sun in flight,


    And learn, too late, they grieved it on its way.


    ¡°Do not go gentle into that good night.


    Grave men, near death, who see with blinding sight


    Blind eyes could blaze like meteors and be gay,


    Rage, rage against the dying of the light.


    And you, my father, there on the sad height,


    Curse, bless me now with your fierce tears, I pray.


    Do not go gentle into that good night.


    Rage, rage against the dying of the light.¡±


    Mizumi murmured the poem again and again, almost as though it were a mantra, and, after a few times, fell silent, staring at the table.


    Every song that anyone wanted to sing or listen to, every poem that anyone wanted to recite had, in some way or another, to do with death. It seemed that for Hoku, there was no escaping from reminders of his pain. But when 9:00 finally arrived, he had his sleeping pills, his first dose of antidepressant, his bed and his oniichan to curl up with, and, though those didn¡¯t lessen his sadness, they were all better than nothing.


    xxxxxxxxxxxxx


    ¡°Hoku-kun, it¡¯s okay if you don¡¯t want to speak in every session. But if you never open up, you won¡¯t get anything out of your time here.¡±


    This was from the therapist who was visiting today and conducting this morning¡¯s group therapy session, a young lady named Shiori.


    ¡°Yes, ma¡¯am.¡± Hoku said nothing more than that. He rested his chin on his drawn-up knees and stared off into space.


    He had resolved never to speak up about his own pain in group therapy. He had spoken to Uncle Luqman, and that hadn¡¯t helped. He had spoken to Ikari, and that hadn¡¯t solved his problems. He had confided in Ajisai, and he¡¯d come away from their conversation feeling worse than before. When his friends opened up about their problems in therapy, he sometimes tried to offer comfort and support. But hearing about the burdens they carried made him feel even sadder. As for him - all that he could do was complain about being afraid of God and fixated on the idea of death. If noone could help him, then he¡¯d only be spreading his fear and sadness to others, ruining their ability to get anything from their sessions.


    As well as a new face at the front of the therapy classroom, there were two new faces in the patient group. One belonged to a slender, dark-haired, quiet girl named Hoshiko, who appeared to be around ten years old. Hoku, while fetching items from his basket in the hall closet, had overheard the other children discussing her.


    ¡°She came in just last night,¡± Mizumi had said of her, ¡°when we were already in bed. They say she has really bad insomnia.¡°


    ¡±That¡¯s how I found out she was here!¡± Teishuki had pitched in. ¡°Mizumi-chan and I were in bed and sleeping when the sound of the door opening woke me up. I was confused because it felt way too early for it to be Kosui-san. It was Hoshiko-chan - sleepwalking! I can¡¯t tell you how freaked out I was when some random kid just slowly walked into our room, came to stand in front of my bed, stared down at me for a long time and then tried to climb in.¡±


    Hoku hadn¡¯t seen Hoshiko until she¡¯d been brought in for the therapy session, so he supposed she had been allowed to sleep through breakfasttime. She was pale of complexion, and there were deep, dark shadows beneath her eyelids. Like Hoku, she declined to speak during the therapy session. But he thought that she seemed nice - her voice was very soft, and she had a pleasant face, with lips and eyes that always appeared to be smiling.


    The other newcomer was a 12-year-old boy named Suta. He was brown-haired and wiry, and his eyes were red-rimmed with crying. He continued to wipe tears away as he explained that he¡¯d insisted on being admitted into care for his depression.


    ¡°My mom and dad got a divorce two years ago.¡± His voice was broken. ¡°I have two little sisters and one little brother, and ever since the divorce, I¡¯ve had to take care of everything. I have to go to school, make sure my sisters and brother go to school, watch them when we get home while my mom works, clean the kitchen, the bathrooms, the living room, the dining room and everybody¡¯s rooms, fix all of our food, help my sisters and brother with their homework, be there for them when they¡¯re stressed out or upset, be there for my mom, talk to my dad about child support, and try not to ever do anything wrong. I have to be the go-between. Every time my mom and dad talk, they fight, and every time they fight, I end up in the middle.


    "My grandpa on my dad¡¯s side came from out of town to see us. My mom went into the back of the house so she wouldn¡¯t have to talk to him. He looked at our report cards and said we did a great job, then gave us all money. My mom had been listening in from her bedroom door, and when he left, she came out and screamed and yelled because he didn¡¯t offer to give her money to help with the bills. She went on about how we never do anything to help, how we don¡¯t love her, how she hates her life. Then she went off crying and locked herself up in her room for the whole weekend. I had to try to comfort my little sisters and brother, but there was nobody to be there for me. It was the same way it always is. When she finally came out, she told me we needed to go live with our dad. I just feel too worthless to live with anybody. I used to be happy, have lots of friends and hobbies I was good at and get all As and Bs. Now I¡¯m just some underachieving loser not even my mom likes. I can¡¯t take it anymore. Maybe I am useless and no-good. But that¡¯s only because I¡¯ve given up pieces of me until every little bit of myself is gone!¡±


    Hoku felt a pang of sympathy for Suta. Ikari, too, placed a gentle hand on the back of Suta¡¯s chair - offering him comfort without taking the liberty of touching him.


    Suta became somewhat calmer after unburdening himself, but throughout the therapy session, he remained distressed. When Shiori-san discussed strategies for coping with depression and stress, he always followed up with new questions.


    ¡±But what can I do when I basically have the whole world put on my shoulders?¡± he insisted, or, ¡°But what can I do when I have to be there for everyone else, but I don¡¯t have anyone who wants to be there for me?¡±


    Hoku knew what it was like to be unable to gain everything - or even anything - that he needed from a group therapy session; in fact, this had been his experience every morning and afternoon so far. The only difference between himself and Suta was that Suta actually went to the trouble of asking for help. His many follow-up questions, however, put a crease in Shiori-san¡¯s forehead. Furthermore, he wasn¡¯t the only patient who seemed to be giving her difficulty. Ajisai had another tearful breakdown that morning.


    ¡°They don¡¯t love me,¡± she declared, referring to her foster parents. ¡°They don¡¯t understand me. They think I¡¯m a bad kid because sometimes I get really excited and do things I shouldn¡¯t do. But I don¡¯t mean to. If they loved me, they wouldn¡¯t have called the police and had me locked away!¡±


    ¡°Ajisai-chan,¡± Shiori-san responded, ¡°your mental illness may influence your actions, but they¡¯re still your actions - not your foster parents¡¯ or anyone else¡¯s. Your actions have consequences. That isn¡¯t something you can blame your foster parents for.¡±


    Shiori-san and Ajisai didn¡¯t see eye-to-eye, so they went back and forth in this manner for a little while. At length, however, Ajisai seemed to give in and became quiet.


    As she concluded the morning session, Shiori-san announced, ¡°I know you¡¯ve been having group therapy every day, but you¡¯ll each be seeing me for a one-on-one session before you leave the ward. I start sitting down with you all today. If I don¡¯t get to you today, don¡¯t worry; I¡¯ll get to you on Monday.¡±


    Hoku remembered that today was Friday. This meant that the weekend was near, and the weekend meant two days without having to attend group therapy.


    The children filed back into the main area. Suta broke away from the group to visit the restroom. No sooner was he well out of hearing range than Tengoku remarked to Teishuki, ¡°That guy¡®s so negative. Nothing anybody says is enough for him. Sitting in there with him and listening to him complain brings me down.¡±


    Overhearing this made Hoku feel more certain about his decision not to talk about his feelings in group therapy.


    When the door to the bathroom area swung open and Suta emerged from it, Hoku learned that the staff members weren¡¯t the ones who had been kind enough to place the eraser between the doorjamb and the door. Nijiko-san, who happened to be passing by at that moment, spied the eraser and bent down to confiscate it.


    ¡°Everyone, may I have your attention, please? I don¡¯t know who keeps sticking objects in the doorway to keep the door open, but I need this to stop now. We moderate access to the bathroom area for your safety. Don¡¯t try to circumvent the rules. If you have to use the bathroom, all you have to do is go up to the desk and ask.¡±


    Hoku guessed from the face that Ajisai made when Nijiko-san turned away that she was the one who had put the eraser down.


    Junko-san and Nijiko-san were in charge and should be respected and obeyed. But Hoku wasn¡¯t accustomed to asking for permission to use the restroom outside of school hours. Though ordinarily he wouldn¡¯t have minded much, he was sorry to see the eraser removed now, for, since yesterday evening, his stomach had been bothering him. There were thin, but sharp stabs of pain, and he couldn¡¯t feel hungry not only because of the depression, but because he felt as though his stomach were full of something already. It was as if he¡¯d swallowed a lump that had settled down in the center of his stomach and refused to be moved.


    It¡¯s probably just because I¡¯ve hardly been eating anything, Hoku thought. Not eating any vegetables is making my stomach act up. It wasn¡¯t pleasant, but he ignored the discomfort. The way that he felt physically was the least of his problems now.


    The dark, heavy thoughts wouldn¡¯t leave him, and he couldn¡¯t escape by sleeping the day away, so he had decided to shut himself off, more or less, from everyone else, including Ikari. Installing himself on one end of the couch, he rested his head against the back, closed his eyes and told himself that he did not exist. Hoku was no longer a real person. If he himself believed that he didn¡¯t exist and didn¡¯t try to force himself to eat, complain of his pain - emotional or physical - to others or seek to get any of his needs fulfilled the way that people did, perhaps God, too, would believe that he didn¡¯t exist and would remove him from His list of targets.


    Daichi was the first to be called out of the main area by Shiori-san for a private session. He announced his return an hour later by dancing and bounding into the room. He threw his arms around Ikari, then gave Teishuki a high-five.


    ¡°I talked to Dr. Ali, and he says I get to go home tomorrow!¡°


    ¡°You¡¯re . . .leaving?¡± Hoku had met Daichi only three days ago. Even if he was shutting himself off out of fear, having his ward friends around made him feel a little safer and less alone. Now already he was about to part ways with one.


    ¡°Yeah!¡± Daichi grabbed a couch cushion and tossed it several feet into the air, then caught it, eliciting whooping and laughter from Tengoku and Ajisai. Hoku had never seen the gentle older boy in such a lively mood. ¡°They say I¡¯m going to start outpatient treatment now!¡±


    ¡°Outpatient? . . . That means you come from home everyday to get therapy instead of staying here, right?¡±


    ¡°Yes, and I only have to come for four hours every day.¡±


    The congratulations flew in from all sides.


    ¡°That¡¯s great, Daichi-kun!¡±


    ¡°Keep your fingers crossed it¡¯s my turn next!¡±


    ¡°I¡¯m happy for you. I¡¯ll miss you!¡±


    Daichi was leaving the ward, which meant that he was getting better. He was happy to be going, and Hoku knew that they all ought to be happy for his sake. Ikari was smiling, so he managed a smile, too.


    ¡°That¡¯s really cool, Daichi-kun.¡± He did his best to sound sincere, but there was nothing in his voice except his tired sadness.


    ¡°Hoku-kun, Ikari-kun!¡± Junko-san came to the front of the cubicle. In her hands was a paper-bag parcel. ¡°We got a delivery from your uncle Luqman. He says it¡¯s for both of you and that Ikari-kun is to look after it.¡±


    Ikari allowed Hoku to go up for the package and open it. Inside of the bag was a black-leather-covered Bible. A slip of paper had been stuck bookmark-style into the middle of the book. Ikari drew the paper out and unfolded it.


    ¡°It says, ¡®Read to your brother!¡¯"


    The slip of paper was returned to its place. Without another word, Ikari handed the Bible to Hoku, then turned away.


    Hoku requested that Nijiko-san unlock the door to their room so he could put the Bible away. Once inside, he stuck it on the bottom shelf, under the bag that held their clothes. All throughout the morning, though, as he sat on the couch, staring at the backs of his eyelids, in his mind, he heard that song being carried by the voices of very little children - a chorus of preschoolers and kindergarteners who were sick, perhaps, or starving, dying, even, but were clinging with all of their might to innocent hope.


    ¡°Please be our Guide. / We want to play at Your side / For eternity. / That¡¯s the place for me!¡±

 Chapter Five

    Hoku heard real music before lunchtime. Rinko-san, the therapist who had conducted the art therapy session, returned to gather the children into the cafeteria for an hour and a half of what she called music therapy. The children requested songs in turns, going in alphabetical order, and Rinko-san played the songs they chose on her radio. The new girl, Hoshiko, wasn¡¯t present to choose a song. She had disappeared after morning therapy. Hoku assumed that because of her insomnia, she wasn¡¯t required to leave her bedroom except for group therapy. Lucky Hoshiko-chan.


    Ajisai hadn¡¯t been her usual self since that morning¡¯s group therapy. She was uncharacteristically quiet; her cheeks were tearstained, and her eyes were still damp. But she still asked for a song by her idol, Hinoda Ikimono. Daichi played - and danced to - the song everyone knew as "the Minions song,¡± ¡°Happy¡± by Pharrell Williams, and his silly moves sent laughter rippling around the cafeteria.When Hoku¡¯s turn came, he requested a pop song - not one of his current favorites, but one that he and Ikari had loved when they¡®d been tiny.


    After each of the first few songs, Rinko-san paused to ask the person who had requested it how the song made him feel or something along those lines. The remainder of the session, however, just consisted of playing music, one song after the other.


    Once everyone had had a turn, Rinko-san opened the radio up for second requests. Mizumi chose country love songs whose lyrics were not unhappy, but whose melodies sounded plaintive. Suta asked for Christian worship music.


    xxxxxxxxxxxx


    Lunch hadn¡¯t ended very long ago when Nijiko-san crossed into the main area to announce, ¡°Hoku-kun, Ayami-san wants to see you for a one-on-one session.¡±


    Hoku rose to follow Nijiko-san to the private therapy office, where Ayami-san sat waiting for him. Though he said nothing, deep down, he was as grateful for the chance to talk one-on-one as he was for his ability to breathe. He was afraid to pass his pain on to others or to be a bother, and yet he ached with the need to talk to someone - anyone.


    The door shut behind Nijiko-san, and he and Ayami-san were alone. The young lady smiled at him.


    ¡°Hi, Hoku-kun. It¡¯s great to be able to chat with you.¡±


    Hoku swallowed and nodded.


    Ayami-san picked her cellphone up. ¡°Hold on just a moment, sweetie. I¡®ve got to make a quick call, and then I¡¯ll be with you.¡±


    Hoku sat and studied the desk, doing his best not to listen in, as Ayami-san phoned and conversed with someone - one of Ajisai¡¯s foster parents, from the sound of things.


    ¡°Hi, Ryuuichi-san. Thanks for taking my call. . . Ajisai-chan¡¯s doing fine, from what I can tell. I¡¯ve talked to the staff, and she is still struggling with her emotions about being here, but I think she¡¯s starting to accept and understand it.


    I had a talk with her earlier in group therapy, and then we had our one-on-one session. At first she was telling me all about how it wasn¡¯t her fault, blaming the bipolar disorder - ¡®How could they do this to me? How could they send me away? They don¡¯t love me!¡¯ - just a typical child, really, not wanting to take responsibility for her actions. . . . Exactly! . . . But, as I explained to her before, her actions are her choices, and choices have consequences. . . . Yes. . . . I completely agree with you. But she¡¯s such a sweet girl all the same.¡±


    I know that even if you have bipolar disorder, you still have to take the blame when you do things you shouldn¡¯t, Hoku thought. The big cousin Jiro, the one Grandma talked about - he had bipolar, too, when he was alive, plus something called schizophrenia. But Mom still remembered how he used to do and say mean things, especially when he¡¯d stopped taking medicine for his sicknesses, or how he¡¯d drink too much alcohol. Still. . .doing something you weren¡¯t supposed to because you have a disorder. . .isn¡¯t that something that could happen to anybody? I feel sorry for Ajisai-chan.


    Ayami-san exchanged a few more words with Ajisai¡¯s parent, then ended the call. She rose, smiling again at Hoku.


    ¡°Come on, Hoku-kun. Why don¡¯t we go outside where it¡¯s sunny and talk?¡±


    In the outdoors area, they sat across from one another at a round iron table.


    ¡°So, Hoku-kun, talk to me. How have you been?¡±


    Those words caused the dam to burst. Hoku cried until he quaked and his face contorted with crying. He seemed to have an endless supply of tears, gasps and sobs.


    ¡°Oh, Hoku-kun. What¡¯s the matter, sweetie? I hate to see you cry like that.¡±


    ¡°My mom and dad . . .died, and I - I want to see them again, and I hate my life, and I¡¯m scared.¡±


    Ayami-san¡¯s forehead puckered with concern. She reached across the table to touch Hoku¡¯s fingertips. ¡°Tell me all about it. What are you most scared of? Is it a fear you won¡¯t ever see your mom and dad again?¡±


    Hoku nodded. Then, shakily, shudderingly, his story came out. He spilled onto Ayami-san the dream that he had had about Mom¡¯s and Dad¡¯s graves, his fears about God, his fear of losing himself, Mom, Dad and everyone else he loved to the decay of death forever. He admitted that he wasn¡¯t certain that he liked or believed in God anymore, that he had broken down on his uncle once and told him that he was afraid God didn¡¯t love him and would punish him for being imperfect, but that his uncle¡¯s simple reassurances - ¡°God does love you. Taking Mom and Dad away was only a test. He sends sinners to hell when they choose to reject his love; it isn¡¯t because He wants to.¡± - hadn¡¯t helped, that he knew how deeply disappointed Uncle Luqman and Grandma would be if they knew.


    He told her about Grandma¡¯s worrying that the help he received here at the hospital would be ungodly and the way that receiving the Bible that Uncle Luqman had sent had made him feel.


    All throughout their conversation, Ayami-san¡¯s face reflected sympathy. At the end of Hoku¡¯s story, she handed him a soft handkerchief with which to wipe his eyes. Hoku used it, though he wasn¡¯t sure he was done crying.


    ¡°Don¡¯t cry, sweetie. It¡¯s all going to be just fine. We¡¯ll get you grief counseling so you won¡¯t be alone while you deal with your parents¡¯ death. But it sounds like your problems with your family¡¯s religion are the bigger issue.¡±


    The bigger issue? Were his problems with religion worse than the sadness he felt for Mom and Dad?


    Stolen novel; please report.Ayami-san went on. ¡°Your family¡¯s religion is making you feel scared and unhappy, but you¡¯re afraid if you say you might not believe in it anymore, you¡¯ll lose their acceptance, so you feel alone. That isn¡¯t okay. Even if you¡¯re still a child, you have the right to an opinion and feelings about any religion your family¡¯s asking you to believe in. You have the right to speak up, and your uncle should support you no matter what. You shouldn¡¯t have to feel alone.¡±


    Loneliness wasn¡¯t Hoku¡¯s main concern. He didn¡¯t want others to be as unhappy as he was; he didn¡¯t long for company in his misery. What he wanted was to taste relief. Still, though there was a lingering worry that he was going against God by having this conversation with a therapist, he knew that he had only two choices - to change nothing, sit on the couch and suffer or to give this talk with Ayami-san a chance, even if doing so did turn out to be a sin. His gratitude overcame his fear and brought more tears to his eyes.


    ¡°You really think I can get better, Ayami-san? It won¡¯t be like this forever?¡±


    ¡°Of course not,¡± Ayami-san soothed. ¡°So many people who¡¯ve lost their parents and loved ones have been able to work through their pain. You¡¯ll never stop missing your Mom and Dad; that¡¯s impossible. But you¡¯ll be able to live a good life the way I know they wanted you to.¡±


    Those last few words brought another fresh rush of tears to Hoku¡¯s eyes, but with them had come a feeling of hope.


    ¡±I have to say, Hoku-kun, that you won¡¯t be able to heal the way you want to unless you can stop being afraid to talk to your uncle about religion.¡±


    Hoku hugged himself. Talk to Uncle Luqman . . .about religion. Could he really muster up the courage to do that - anytime soon or even in a hundred years? At best, he¡¯d be scolded and asked to pray and read the Bible more often; at worst, his family might all stop looking at him with the same eyes. And it would hurt Uncle Luqman - Uncle Luqman, who was already exhausted and bearing up under his own sadness.


    ¡°Do I have to? . . . He and my grandma and everyone else will be sad, and I don¡¯t want them to be.¡±


    ¡°I know you don¡¯t want your family to be sad, but you have to think of yourself, too, Hoku-kun. Talking to your family is something I can support you in, but it isn¡¯t something I can do for you. You have to do it yourself. I wouldn¡¯t suggest doing it right now, but sometime down the line, you have to have that talk.¡±


    ¡±Okay.¡± Hoku dried his eyes again. If Ayami-san said this was what he needed in order to heal, Hoku would trust her.


    ¡°Feel better now?¡±


    ¡°Yes, ma¡¯am. Thank you.¡±


    ¡°I¡¯m glad. Let¡¯s go inside, honey. I¡¯m going to make a quick call to your uncle to discuss some things with him.¡±


    A few doors down the hall from Ayami-san¡¯s office, in a chair, Hoku sat, dangled his legs and waited for her chat with Uncle Luqman to conclude. What might they be talking about? Ayami-san had said that she couldn¡¯t tell Uncle Luqman how Hoku felt about God; that was a step that he himself must take. Most likely she was explaining to him some of the symptoms of Hoku¡¯s depression, the type of therapy that he would need when he left the ward, or some other treatment-related detail.


    After anywhere between five and ten minutes, Ayami-san came out of her office. She sat down beside Hoku.


    "So your Uncle Luqman and I had a chat, and I want you to know what I said to him. I told him, ¡®Ryoshi-san, Hoku-kun may have something that he wants to tell you, and he needs to know that he has your unconditional support and love. At this point, you¡¯re the only adult he can turn to every day.¡¯


    ¡±He said, ¡®Well, of course - of course. I love my nephews unconditionally, and I support them no matter what.¡¯ I told him, ¡®Well, the time¡¯s come for you to prove that. Hoku-kun is dealing with major depression, and he feels alone. I¡¯d suggest you start making time for him, just you two, so he feels comfortable opening up to you about anything and everything.¡¯ He tried to start talking about how he tries his best, but he¡¯s dealing with his own grief and anxiety about COVID. I told him outright that it isn¡¯t about him.¡±


    When she¡¯d started speaking, Hoku had begun to nod to acknowledge what she was saying. Now he was still nodding automatically, politely, but he was only half-hearing anything that Ayami-san said.


    When he was told that he was free to return to the living area, Hoku needed no second bidding. As he hastened through, headed for the cubicle, he managed to remember to inform Ikari that Ayami-san wanted to see him now.


    ¡°Nijiko-san. . .please, can I use the phone?¡±


    ¡°Who do you need to call?¡±


    ¡±My uncle.¡±


    ¡±All right. Try not to go over fifteen minutes.¡±


    The phone rang so many times that Hoku was afraid Uncle Luqman had decided not to take any calls. At last, though, he picked up.


    ¡°Luqman Ryoshi speaking.¡±


    ¡±Uncle Luqman.¡± Hoku¡¯s voice was tiny. ¡°H-h-hi.¡±


    He fumbled with the cord of the phone. What was he to say? After he had gone crying to her for help and sympathy, he couldn¡¯t throw Ayami-san under the bus by blaming her for what she had said to his uncle, but he couldn¡¯t, either, reveal that this had all happened because he¡¯d vented about his God-related doubts and terrors.


    ¡°Hello, son.¡± Uncle Luqman¡¯s voice was heavy with exhaustion. Another lengthy, uncomfortable pause later, he continued. ¡°I¡¯m sorry if I haven¡¯t done enough to help you and your brother or make you feel as though you aren¡¯t alone. I want to be there for you, but I can¡¯t seem to do or say the right things. Not even the talk we had that one night, the one you said helped you to feel better. . .I try to help, but it looks like I only make things worse.¡±


    ¡±I¡¯m sorry.¡±


    The, ¡°I¡¯m sorry,¡± was for everything. For his inability to appreciate how hard and how earnestly Uncle Luqman had tried to help him during their one big talk. For calling the police in the middle of the night and claiming to be suicidal when the truth was that he had always been - and still was - too afraid to go through with hurting himself. For begging to be carter away to a mental institution instead of grieving the way that a normal person would have. For being the reason that Uncle Luqman had had to drive for over two hours. For being unable to be a comfort to his uncle, who had lost a brother just as he had lost a father, and, most of all, for turning a therapist against Uncle Luqman with his crying and complaining.


    To his apology, Uncle Luqman offered no response. Instead, he asked, just as weary as before, ¡°How are things going over there?¡±


    ¡°Good.¡± What else could he say?


    ¡±Are you making sure to wear your mask and put hand sanitizer on?¡±


    ¡±Yes, sir.¡±


    ¡±Good. I¡¯ll . . .let you go so you can finish your therapy.¡±


    Hoku returned the phone to its hook. He had thought that unburdening himself onto Ayami-san would make everything at least a little bit better. He had only made things worse, though, for himself and for Uncle Luqman.

 Chapter Six

    Afternoon group therapy commenced over an hour later than it usually did. When it ended, therapy was over for the week, and, with noone to bother him, Hoku reinstated his policy of pretending not to exist, this time without intending to make any exceptions - not for new friends or for therapists, not even for his big brother.


    Though he chatted with the others, Ikari spent a great deal of time just sitting beside Hoku. Hoku didn¡¯t need to remove his head from his arms and look up to know that he was there. He could sense Ikari¡¯s nearness just as he¡¯d always been able to.


    Ikari never urged him to talk, to interact or even to eat. He rubbed his back sometimes or placed an arm around him without speaking. At other times, he didn¡¯t try to touch him, but just sat there with him. When Hoku ignored dinnertime, Ikari waited for the snack bin to be put out on the cubicle counter and fetched a rice cake and a granola bar, which he stuck into the crook of Hoku¡¯s elbow.


    I wish he¡¯d stop. Hoku remained motionless. Oniichan¡¯s always been the best friend I ever had, but now. . .I can¡¯t be a good brother to HIM anymore. I know he¡¯d be better off without me. He won¡¯t listen if I tell him to go away, but I don¡¯t want him to hurt even worse than he¡¯s already hurting. I already messed up with Uncle Luqman. More than anybody else, I couldn¡¯t stand it if I hurt Oniichan.


    ¡°Hoku-kun.¡±


    It was Daichi¡¯s voice. Hoku felt the touch of an unfamiliar hand upon his shoulder. This got him to sit upright, albeit slowly, stiffly and with reluctance. The brightness of the room light made his eyes smart.


    Daichi perched on the edge of the couch. ¡°Hoku-kun, when you leave the hospital, they¡¯re probably going to tell you you need to do outpatient therapy. Make sure your uncle lets you do it. This is my first time being in the ward, but I¡¯ve been in outpatient therapy before, and it does help. Even if you have to go more than one time, it¡¯s okay. It may help you to deal with your bad feelings just like it¡¯s helped me.¡±


    Hoku answered with a tiny nod.


    ¡°There¡¯s one thing the therapy taught me before about being depressed. Ikari-kun, you can use this, too. When you feel like doing one thing because you¡¯re depressed, like shutting yourself off from everybody else, try your best to do the opposite. Talk to people and try to have fun. I know we can¡¯t really go anywhere anymore thanks to the virus, and you can¡¯t always talk to grownups, but I like Skypeing my friends, and you guys have eachother.¡±


    Hoku¡¯s head was already on its way back into his arms, but he murmured, ¡° ¡®Kay. . .thanks, Daichi-kun.¡±


    Oniichan and I. . .have eachother. That isn¡¯t enough to take the hurt away, and because of that and the way I shut myself off from Oniichan. . .sometimes it feels like the fact we have eachother doesn¡¯t mean anything anymore. But I wonder if Daichi-kun has anybody at home he can talk to.


    Hoku lifted his head a fraction. ¡°Oniichan? What did Ayami-san say to you?¡±


    There was a pause, probably because Ikari was surprised that he was really speaking now, before he replied. ¡°She just said I need to go to grief counseling and get help for my depression and anxiety - and that I should talk more to adults instead of trying to handle everything by myself.¡±


    Hoku knew that Ikari had struggled with anxiety for a while, even before they¡¯d lost Mom and Dad. A little less than a year and a half ago, shortly after the outbreak of COVID had become national news, Hoku had entered Ikari¡¯s room in search of his brother, who had been nowhere in sight. He had found him in his closet, huddled up on a heap of clothing, hugging his knees, sobbing.


    Ikari had known what chronic anxiety was because Uncle Luqman suffered from it, and his own anxiety, which had been present for a while, had become far more severe and more evident in the wake of the pandemic. But when Hoku had spoken to Mom and Dad about it on his behalf, they hadn¡¯t taken him very seriously. Hoku supposed it had sounded funny to them - a kid diagnosing himself with anxiety disorder - and they¡¯d thought Ikari had been exaggerating a little, repeating things that he¡¯d heard from Uncle Luqman. Still, Dad had hugged them and told them that everything would be all right, that they need not be afraid of the virus, and Mom had made them bowls of ice cream.


    ¡°Did she talk to Uncle Luqman?¡±


    ¡±No, she wanted to, but I asked her not to. I didn¡¯t want her to get Uncle involved right now. Suta looks down, so I¡¯m going to go sit with him for a little while, okay?¡±


    Hoku nodded. Suta, sitting on the armchair to the right of the couch, had his face buried into his hands.


    Hoku withdrew into himself once again. He saw himself and Ikari walking home together from his favorite place - the library. It was on a summer afternoon last year. The sun was beginning to retire from its peak in the sky. Hoku had exited the library with half of his weight in books. He was using not only his own library card, which had arrived in the mail today, but Ikari¡¯s card, which his big brother had been kind enough to lend him. He had crammed his school backpack with books, had filled two grocery bags, one to hang from the crook of each elbow, and had attempted to carry extra books in his arms. He hadn¡¯t made it ten stumbling steps outside of the library before Ikari had relieved him of the backpack and the books in his arms to carry them himself.


    ¡°Hoku, you¡¯re taking half of the library home with you. You don¡¯t need to get so many books at the same time. We can always just walk to the library to get more; we live right down the street.¡±


    ¡°I know, but Mom and Dad won¡¯t let me go by myself, and you won¡¯t take me more than one time every week because it¡¯s hot outside,¡± Hoku pointed out. ¡°I hate when I run out of books to read before we can go back.¡±


    ¡°You wouldn¡¯t run out of books to read in one week if you didn¡¯t read so fast. How do you even keep up with what¡¯s happening in the stories?¡±


    ¡°I just do. Thanks for carrying those for me, Oniichan.¡± The second sentence was said with a blush. Hoku knew that he was a greedy book-borrower and read too quickly. Reading time in language arts class at school was never as fun as it might be for him because he had read through his entire reader long ago. He had lacked the willpower to save any of the stories for later.


    ¡°Just take care of them and don¡¯t lose any of them. They¡¯ll make us pay for them if we mess up.¡±


    Hoku bounded up the walkway of their house, bags of books swinging from his elbows, to open the door for his brother. ¡°I read in the news about a guy who went to jail because he owed the library so much money for some books he¡¯d lost years ago!¡±


    The boys lugged the books into Hoku¡¯s bedroom, where they dumped them onto his bed - and not a moment too soon; the corner of one book had poked a hole in the bottom of its grocery bag, and now the books all came tearing out.


    ¡°I told you you shouldn¡¯t have used grocery bags, Hoku. Good thing it only broke after we got inside.¡± Ikari helped Hoku to arrange the books into stacks. ¡°Hey, I finally got an idea of what to write next in our story. Want to ask Mom if we can use the computer?¡±


    Hoku¡¯s face lit up. He and Ikari had begun cowriting a story about young adventurers a few weeks ago. ¡°Yeah!¡±


    The scene became a blur. Hoku saw himself sitting before the computer monitor with Ikari. Then, upon the white computer screen, the story characters materialized and became alive. Hoku heard Ikari singing the song he wrote for the story that day.


    ¡°Thus ends the story now / Stand up and take a bow / Thus starts a brand new eve for you and me.


    ¡±We will glide and soar through the open skies / So do not close your eyes / To the magnificence that rise / When you come with me.¡±


    ¡°Sons,¡± came Dad¡¯s voice, ¡°you borrowed about fifty books, and now you¡¯re writing a story. Is it really such a good idea to be so immersed in things that aren¡¯t true or real?¡±


    ¡°Don¡¯t worry about it, dear,¡± Mom could be heard answering. ¡°Storywriting is a perfectly innocent pastime, and they¡¯re still little.¡±


    Hoku realized that he had dozed off when Mom¡¯s and Dad¡¯s voices faded away and the voices of his fellow patients cut into his consciousness. He sat up, scrubbing his eyes with his fists. For how long had he been asleep? He¡¯d been sitting hunched over, and his back ached; his stomach hurt, too, worse than it had earlier. He needed to go to the restroom, but the door to the area was open a crack, which meant that it had been occupied. His friends were preoccupied, as well - with an argument. They spoke in terse, but hushed tones, careful to avoid attracting the attention of the staff members.


    ¡°I just don¡¯t think you should talk about people like that, Tengoku,¡± Ikari was saying. ¡°You keep complaining about people behind their backs, and to me, it isn¡¯t fair.¡±


    ¡°Would you rather I said it to her face? Ajisai gets on my nerves. One minute, she¡¯s hyper and in everybody¡¯s faces, and the next minute, she¡¯s curled up and crying. ¡®Oh, I hate it here, I want to go home! My foster parents hate me; nothing¡¯s ever my fault!¡¯ Whining and crying like that¡¯s just going to make them keep her here longer. You might think I¡¯m mean, but it¡¯s the truth!¡±


    So it was Ajisai who was in the bathroom. She might come out at any minute. Would they even bother to stop arguing when she returned?


    ¡°She¡¯s younger than we are,¡± Ikari retorted, ¡°and she¡¯s here because she¡¯s having a hard time, just like the rest of us. You don¡¯t have to act so high and mighty. I¡¯m sure you¡¯re not perfect yourself!¡±


    Tengoku¡¯s voice rose a little. ¡°I¡¯m here, Ikari - I¡¯m here because I want to get better, and I¡¯m actually working hard - trying. What are you even in here for? You and your brother haven¡¯t said a word in any of our groups. Are you trying to get better, or are you just taking up space here and wasting everybody¡¯s time?¡±


    Ikari¡¯s lips tightened. Mizumi attempted to intervene. ¡±Listen, we¡¯re all here to get better. Noone has to tell everybody why. Noone¡®s reasons for needing help are less than anybody else¡¯s.¡±


    The bathroom door opened with a creak.


    ¡°You know what you are, Tengoku?¡± Suta came charging in. ¡°You¡¯re one of those kids who are proud of having a mental illness. You think being able to say you¡¯re bipolar makes you cooler than everybody else. That¡¯s why you go around acting like some stupid edgelord. Noone cares what you think!¡±


    ¡°Stop it!¡± Teishuki remonstrated. ¡°You guys just stop it. You¡¯re being horrible! Stop fighting!¡±


    ¡°We¡¯re not even fighting, Teishuki,¡± Tengoku insisted. ¡°Nobody¡¯s fighting! I¡¯m not.¡±


    Ajisai reentered the main area just as Mizumi got to her feet and fled. Teishuki went after her, and they disappeared into the hallway near the bathroom area.


    ¡°Mizumi-chan, Teishuki-chan! Why. . .?¡± Ajisai scanned the others¡¯ faces. ¡°What happened?¡±


    ¡°Nothing happened. Chill out for just one second, Ajisai!¡±


    ¡±Tengoku-kun, you don¡¯t need to be rude.¡± This was from Daichi.


    ¡°No matter what I do, I¡¯m the bad guy!¡±


    ¡°I don¡¯t think you¡¯re a villain,¡± Ikari contributed. ¡°Just an enormous jerk.¡±


    ¡°Yet from the second you and Hoku got in here, I¡¯ve never been anything but nice to you. You¡¯re the one who had to jump on my case just for having an opinion. You and Daichi haven¡¯t said one word about what Suta said to me!¡±


    ¡°Why in the world would I stick up for you? I don¡¯t care if you question why I¡¯m here, but you tried to insult my little brother, and you did it right where he could hear you. You don¡¯t ever have the right to talk about my brother!¡±


    All eyes were now on Hoku, whom everyone else must have believed was still asleep.


    Hoku was on the verge of crying again. Yes, he had heard every word that Tengoku had said about him and Ikari, and he felt both hurt by the words and ashamed of being here in the ward, where perhaps he didn¡¯t belong.


    But feeling guilty and hurt isn¡¯t nearly as bad as the depression is. I didn¡¯t realize it before, but even when I¡®m shutting myself off from them. . .I need Oniichan and my friends. Hearing them all around me, talking and laughing at the TV and showing eachother their art and comforting eachother, is the only reason why I just feel sad instead of like I¡®m going to explode from the pain. Deep down. . .I LOVE all of them. And now they¡¯re ALL sad and mad, and I don¡¯t know what to do.


    ¡°What Mizumi-chan said was right. You both make me sick, Tengoku, Suta, with the way you spout off.¡± Daichi rose and took Ajisai¡¯s hand. ¡°Come on, Ajisai-chan. Let¡¯s go to the art room.¡±


    ¡°I don¡¯t want you guys to fight.¡± Hoku spoke around a lump in his throat. ¡°Please stop.¡±


    ¡°We¡¯re not fighting!¡± Tengoku snapped. ¡°Daichi¡¯s the one who¡¯s making this a way bigger deal than it really is while Suta does what he does best - act like a little bitch.¡±


    Did you know this story is from Royal Road? Read the official version for free and support the author.


    Suta lunged for him. Ikari managed to intercept him and wrapped his arm around both of his, pinning them to his sides. Tengoku came scrambling for his would-be opponent, but Hoku pushed himself into his path and grabbed hold of his hands. Wisely or not, he tried with all of his might to restrain the older boy.


    ¡°Are you stupid, Suta?¡± Ikari hissed. ¡°You want to be kept in here for a whole MONTH? Be still! Both of you, sit down!¡±


    After a moment¡¯s struggle, Tengoku and Suta decided to heed Ikari¡¯s admonition. They were too late, however, to escape Momonoki-san¡¯s notice. She came marching out of the cubicle.


    ¡°What on earth is going on here? Don¡¯t sit and stare at me like that; I saw you all.¡± There was a note of disbelief in her voice. ¡°Were you boys fighting?¡±


    Hoku, who had been tumbled onto his back, sat up with Ikari¡¯s help. ¡°It was just play-fighting, but we stopped. We¡¯re sorry, Momonoki-san! We won¡¯t make noise in here again.¡± Will we really be kept in here for a whole month now? What will Uncle say if we get kept back because we¡¯re in trouble?


    Momonoki¡¯s gaze swept over the young faces. ¡°You were just playing. Really, Hoku-kun? Ikari-kun, you¡¯re the older brother. You tell me what¡¯s going on!¡±


    ¡°We were getting on eachother¡¯s nerves, but not on purpose, Momonoki-san.¡± Ikari seemed to hesitate, but, in the end, seemed to feel if he didn¡¯t explain further, they really might all end up in serious trouble. ¡°Someone was crying, and some of us got irritated at the sound, so we started arguing. Suta and Tengoku were about to hit eachother, but they stopped. Nobody got hurt.¡±


    Momonoki-san folded her arms. ¡°There will be no violence in this institution. No fighting, absolutely no hitting! Where is everyone? Where are all the others?¡±


    ¡°I think they went in the art room.¡±


    Momonoki-san turned and marched into the hallway. Though he wanted to follow, Hoku didn¡¯t dare to. The door to the art room opened, and he could hear Momonoki-san exchanging a few words with its occupants.


    <div>Momonoki-san seemed to decide that it would be better to leave them undisturbed, however. A short time later, the door shut, and she returned to the living area to address the fighters.


    ¡°I want all of you up on the couch, please.¡± More weary than angry or stern now, she kneaded her brow with her fingertips. ¡°Face me and listen attentively. This is important.


    "You are all here because you need help. This holds true no matter what your background is, no matter what your specific issue is, no matter how old you are. Stop being so harsh and judgmental towards eachother! If you¡¯re struggling and you know that the boy or girl beside you is struggling, make your stay here an opportunity to offer him or her some support. Don¡¯t make it an opportunity to complain about or criticize or mock or judge him or her. The boy or girl next to you doesn¡¯t need that!¡±


    Hoku whispered, ¡°Yes, ma¡¯am,¡± and Ikari mumbled an acquiescence after a moment or two. None of the others said anything, but that must have sufficed for Momonoki-san. She turned to retreat into her cubicle, leaving the main area to be swallowed up by an uncomfortable silence.


    Hoku waited until a few minutes had passed and he felt Momonoki-san was completely absorbed in her typing before he took Ikari by the hand and inched with him into the hallway. He opened the art room door a crack and peered in.


    Daichi, beside Ajisai, with whom he was sharing a coloring book, sat on the side of the table that was nearest to the door. Across from them was Mizumi, with Teishuki¡¯s arm around her slumped shoulders. Her head was bowed; her face was drawn; her eyes appeared to be dry, but were downcast. For the first time since Hoku had met her, she looked defeated.


    Leaving Ikari to converse with Daichi in low tones, Hoku edged up to the older girls. He hesitated, shifted from foot to foot. He had to reach out to them after what had happened, but how much help could he really be?


    ¡°Mizumi-chan. . .Teishuki-chan. . .what Tengoku-kun and Suta-kun said. . .please don¡¯t let it get you down.¡±


    ¡°I¡¯m sorry, Hoku-kun.¡± Mizumi lifted her eyes. She made a shaky attempt at a smile. ¡°I shouldn¡¯t have overreacted. It wasn¡¯t really about what they said, anyway.¡±


    Her gaze fell. ¡°Ikari-kun says that you two lost your mom and dad.¡±


    Hoku nodded slowly.


    ¡±I¡¯m like you and Teishuki-chan. I lost my parents in a car crash three years ago.¡° Mizumi swallowed, then went on. ¡°After that, like with Teishuki-Chan, my grandma and grandpa became my parents. Really, they¡¯re the ones who have always been there for me - even before my mom and dad died. My grandpa . . .has cancer, and yesterday, I got a call saying that it¡¯s terminal.¡±


    Terminal. Hoku knew what this word meant. Mizumi¡¯s grandfather wouldn¡¯t survive his illness.


    Now Mizumi¡¯s eyelashes were glistening with wetness. Hoku knew that he had no healing words or gestures up his sleeve. He hadn¡¯t even learned to heal his own wounds or his big brother¡¯s, and Mizumi¡¯s were different, for Mom and Dad had been there for him and Ikari from the beginning until the day that they had passed, and they hadn¡¯t known that Mom and Dad would die. Yes, they had been worried for them when, a few weeks before their deaths, they¡¯d become sick, but the boys had been assured that everything would be fine. Their deaths had come as a shock, but Hoku and Ikari hadn¡¯t had to watch for days, weeks, months as Mom and Dad had suffered, paled and faded away.


    Hoku could only fetch a wad of napkins for Mizumi, then sit beside her, sandwiching her between himself and Teishuki, and hold her hand. He hoped that somehow, what little warmth was in his hand could find its way through Mizumi¡¯s and into her heart to work a tiny bit of healing magic.


    Not long afterwards, Tengoku and Suta joined them in the art room. The corners of Suta¡¯s eyes were webbed with red; Tengoku was sniffling. Both boys had their arms around eachother, and they remained that way as they slid down into a pair of chairs.


    Daichi-kun¡¯s leaving tomorrow, Hoku thought. I hope he gets better and stays that way forever and even longer than forever. But somebody who¡¯s as peaceful and nice as he is - I hate that he¡¯s leaving us. Ajisai-chan will be really sad, too. And then Mizumi-chan. . .I wonder when she¡¯ll leave. I¡¯ll hate not having her around, and Teishuki-chan will probably miss her most of all. And when they¡¯re gone. . .how long will Oniichan and I be in here? They said one week or maybe two. What if, even after two weeks, I¡¯m not even a little bit better? Can they really keep people in the ward for a whole month like Oniichan said a little while ago?


    If it will help make the bad feelings go away, I¡¯m not scared to be in the hospital for as long as it takes. But I don¡¯t want Oniichan to stay in this place for a long time just because of me, and without our gentlest and calmest friends. . .I think everything will be lonelier and sadder in here.


    At length, Mizumi patted Hoku¡¯s hand, giving him leave to let go of hers. She smiled at him, a clearer and steadier smile this time. Hoku realized that he hadn¡¯t smiled since the moment he¡¯d exchanged greetings with Mizumi and Tengoku on their first night. He wanted to try to return Mizumi¡¯s smile, but he knew that his would only look forced. His stomach pains hadn¡¯t abated, which, considering the fact that he still hadn¡¯t eaten anything that day, was no surprise.


    As he rested and cooled off in the bathroom, he thought, I don¡¯t think Oniichan¡¯s smiled since we first got here, either. If he has, I haven¡¯t seen him. Even Teishuki-chan¡¯s laughed at the TV. So that makes Oniichan, me and Suta-kun the only ones who haven¡¯t smiled at all.


    Hoku found himself reflecting upon what Daichi had said to him earlier.


    When you¡¯re depressed. . .it helps to do the opposite of what the depression¡¯s telling you to do. I didn¡¯t think that much about what Daichi-kun said because I felt like I¡¯d tried it before and it didn¡¯t work. But what Daichi-kun said I should do . . .isn¡¯t that what he and all the others are doing already? They feel sad and scared, and sometimes they cry, and they¡¯re tired, but they still try to talk to eachother instead of hiding away. Ajisai-chan just wants to be home, listening to her favorite songs and playing with her dog and her toys, but she still tries to have fun with the TV and the boring old coloring books. Teishuki-chan doesn¡¯t like the food they have here; noone does, but she still makes herself eat at least one meal every day.


    Back at home, I did try to do the opposite of what the sadness made me want to do, and it¡¯s true it didn¡¯t work and I gave up. But maybe that was different. Back at home, I couldn¡¯t talk to my grandma or my cousins about the things that were scaring me because I thought they¡¯d be upset at me. With the kids here, I don¡¯t have to be afraid they¡¯ll be mad at me; they don¡¯t care about what I believe. And when I tried before, I was trying to make the depression go away. I can¡¯t make it go away on my own. But if I work hard, maybe I can forget about it - at least for a few minutes at a time.


    xxxxxxxxxxxx


    That next morning, Hoku made an effort to eat breakfast. He couldn¡¯t manage more than two bites before his aching, knotted stomach refused to cooperate further, but he sat in the sunny cafeteria with the others until mealtime was over.


    Daichi was due to be released from the ward late this afternoon. As they all filed down the hall towards the living area, Hoku gave Ikari¡¯s sleeve a tug. He whispered to his startled brother, ¡°Oniichan, I want to make a goodbye present for Daichi-kun. Can you help me?¡±


    They settled down together at the round table and got to work. Hoku knew that he wasn¡¯t nearly as skilled an artist as Ikari was; still, he put all of his effort into drawing with a steady hand and crayoning boldly. He drew water lilies of many colors - pink, golden, white and blue. Ikari helped him with the leaves and the shading, then, when the line art and coloring were finished, carefully traced the edges of the blossoms with glitter-glue.


    It was the work of almost two hours, and when it was over, Hoku¡¯s elbows ached from bearing down into the tabletop, but he spread their creation out on the tabletop and stood back to admire its beauty.


    ¡°It looks good, but it¡¯s a little plain,¡± Ikari pointed out. ¡°I think it¡¯s missing something. We should do a quick background for it.¡±


    The backgrounds of pictures were usually skies, and Hoku didn¡¯t want Ikari to draw a sky. ¡°I suck at doing backgrounds. It won¡¯t look so empty if I draw his name across the top in big letters.¡±


    Ikari assented, so, using a dark blue tube of glitter-glue, Hoku wrote across the horizon of the picture, in large letters and the finest, fanciest swooping and curling style that he could manage:


    FOR DAICHI-KUN. FOREVER FRIENDS.


    The brothers approached Daichi, who, along with the others, was watching cartoons. A little bashfully, Hoku pushed the sheet of paper into his view.


    ¡±Daichi-kun. . .¡±


    Daichi broke away from the television. He took the drawing into his hands. ¡°You made this for me? . . .Wow, thanks, Hoku-kun!¡±


    ¡°Oniichan and I both made it.¡±


    Daichi set the drawing aside. He, Ikari and Hoku all went in for a group hug.


    ¡°Thanks, Ikari-kun, Hoku-kun.¡± When he drew away, Daichi was blinking hard, and his voice was a little choked. ¡°This isn¡¯t the last time we¡¯ll all see eachother. If you get outpatient therapy, we¡¯ll meet eachother there.¡±


    Daichi found a pad of blue sticky notes and peeled two off. On each of them, one for Ikari and one for Hoku, he wrote his phone number. With that, a trend of making pieces of art as goodbye gifts and exchanging phone numbers began in the ward. Everyone piled into the art room. As others worked on their gifts, Hoku sketched anything that he could think of and that did not involve the sun or the sky, from flowers to boats to bags of chips to wacky cars.


    His sadness was still there, and his stomach still hurt. In fact, the stomach pains had worsened. Ajisai¡¯s eraser had reappeared between the door and the doorjamb of the quiet room area. It was wrong to break the rules, but so long as the eraser escaped Junko-san¡¯s and Nijiko-san¡¯s notice, Hoku had no intentions of complaining or being a tattletale. His body felt heavy, and he was slow whenever he walked. But his heart was surviving, even if it wasn¡¯t smiling brightly.