ã€ŠManipulationã€‹


 01 - A devious mind

    My hand is cramping up, I don''t write a diary and now I am trying to speed write two of the damned things. I mean, the first one was already there, it was just a birthday and homework reminder book, not a diary. Unfortunately, I hadn''t been very fastidious writing it. Trying to recall or make up homework assignments for a whole year? Man, it''s hard, this is my fifth night working on it too.

    I don''t know that this is the right way to do this. I want to tell my parents, or my sister I guess, that I''m gay but I really don''t want to vocalise those words.

    I had been waiting for Anne but it turns out she is an absolute idiot when it comes to her own feelings. Hell, I know she''s gay. I have a feeling mum knows she''s gay. Dad certainly doesn''t so¡­ maybe that''s where Anne gets it from? Damn, forgot to change my pen again! It''s so arsing difficult to make this thing sound and look real.

    So, Anne makes doe eyes at her friends all the time. I caught her looking at her friend Heather''s bum yesterday when she was bent down to tie her shoelace. Every one of her friends comments on how hot the actors are in the dumb old films she makes them watch except her. It''s a wonder they haven''t noticed. That said, I sometimes wonder if she''s noticed!

    Right, first diary down, for now anyway. Bugger, I just realised I need to update them daily! No, don''t scream, dammit, I snapped my pencil! Urg!

    Right, now, how else can I make this about Anne? I know deflecting mum''s attention onto her is a devious underhanded nasty thing to do but you know what? I don''t give a shit. She doesn''t even invite me to her stupid party''s, she doesn''t come to my swim meets, she refuses to come swimming with me, or pretty much anything else I want to do. The least she can do is come out before me and take some heat!

    Oh man, this diary is even harder to write than the last one. Trying to make up stories about boys. Trying not to mention kissing Marie in my bedroom when I was ten. Keep it short, little episodes, skip some days, rant about teachers.

    Too hell with it, that''s enough for today.

    Well, mum can find the other diary, I don''t give a shit about it my underwear drawer will do. Where should I hide the unfinished one though?

    "Kelly!" Oh shit, that''s mum, "Time to go!"

    That''s right, it''s the swimming comp tonight. Damn, I could do without that. Why they have them on a school night is beyond me. Oh well, I''ll just hide it in my favourite shoes. No way anyone would look in those stinky things!

    "Hey Anne, you going to come to watch me swim?" I ask her on the way out.

    "Nah, I''ve got homework, and wouldn''t you stay home alone if you had the option?" She whispered the last bit conspiratorially as if I am ever given that option.

    "Yeah. I guess so." Oh damn, that came out bitter as hell. "Have fun." Yep, the smile got her this time.

    Hell, she''s skipping off to do her homework! What the hell is wrong with her? Actually, perhaps she''s not doing her homework? I must get her phone at some point and see if she calls someone for hours when we''re not in. Perhaps she''s not as clueless as she acts!

    "Got everything?" Mum asks, even though she can see I''m wearing my swim costume and have my goggles on my head, I''m carrying the rolled-up towel I will be coming home in. No, please tell me what I forgot mum! Urg!

    "No mum," I say meekly, without much sarcasm.

    I hate these competitions, there are so many of us in them that you spend hardly any time in the water, you don''t get to shower or change before or after and they are all the way across town so I spend even longer dripping wet and shivering.

    Oh great, and the car is freezing too. And yay, dad has control of the stereo. Hotel California again. You know, I am sure that song was old when dad was my age!

    "So, how was school? Learn anything cool?" He asks, trying to make small talk.

    "Nope," I say, my normal response, get the hint, stop asking!

    "What subjects did you have?" Really? He''s going to keep going?

    "PE, guidance, media studies. Boring stuff." Come on, just leave me alone!

    "So, what are you studying in media studies?" Oh, come on! Now mum is ganging up on me?

    "We are studying remakes. Today was Superman, we had to watch the new version. Next week we are going to be watching the old one." I am pretty sure this is what started my sister¡¯s movie nights.

    "Oh! Anne loved that when she was your age. I don''t think that was the movie they watched though." Mum said into the rearview mirror.

    "Yeah well, superman is like a million years old. It''s going to suck!" Damn, I can see from mum''s face that I shouldn''t have said that!

    "Hey! It was 1978, that''s not so long ago! It''s the year I was born!" Oh, come on! It might as well be a million years! Apparently huffing and looking out the window was the wrong answer too.

    "I might have to ask Anne to include you in her movie night, that might give you an appreciation for the classics!" Yeah right, like that would ever happen mum! For one thing, they watch films I would never be allowed. It seems to me that I''m banned from watching anything with sex, violence or drugs in it, or even bad language. All my friends'' parents aren''t as strict. In fact, I''m pretty sure Anne was never restricted from watching stuff.

    I don''t answer her and blessedly they stop bugging me, they start talking to each other about Anne and her dumb film club.

    They try to engage me in conversation a couple more times during the forty-minute drive. I get away with one-word answers, though mum tells me off for rolling my eyes. Finally, we arrive at the swimming pool and I peel myself off the leather seat. Ouch! Why dad can''t have nice fabric seats in his car I don''t know. I shut the door and hurry across the car park, the sharp stones digging into my feet and feeling pretty naked in my spandex outdoors.

    Again I reiterate, I hate these things! Why can''t I just use the damned changing rooms? I get in and go straight through to the warm poolside, not waiting for my parents. The swimming coach is there already, along with most of my swim class. I''m taller than them all, even though I''m the same age. It gives me an advantage the coach tells me. Better reach or something. Honestly, I just like swimming, to hell with all the competition shit.

    I sit on the bench, beside my friend Becky.

    "Hey." She says. I nodded and stowed my towel under the bench. It''s warm in the room but I''m still freezing cold from the walk through the car park so I hug myself and shiver.

    "Still ten minutes till we start." She tells me, there are still old people swimming in the lanes so I''m not surprised.

    "Think they''d mind if I go sit in the sauna? I''m freezing!" She laughs, it''s R16 and we aren''t allowed to even use the pool before the competitions let alone the sauna or steam rooms. Yet another reason for me to hate competitions.

    Eventually, they clear the geriatrics from our lanes and the coach tells us who is doing what. I have another few minutes before my turn at the hundred-metre sprints happens. In the meantime, I just have to watch the competition. There are some pretty girls in the other teams but they are all wearing swim hats and goggles so it''s hard to tell. One of the hotter girls only has one leg, the other ends just below the knee. I find it amazing she doesn''t use her prosthetic in the pool. I really like her swimsuit too. I find myself cheering her on even though she is competing against us. She won the heat too.

    At long last I am up, I''m standing on the poolside up on the white plastic starting platform. As the signal goes we all bend down to hold the edge of the blocks and again I find myself amazed at the girl with one leg, she made doing this one-legged look easy but I can''t even begin to think how. We do practices with tires and weighted balls, teaching us how to produce an explosive start, propelling ourselves into the water by pulling on the starting block and pushing with our legs at the same time and it was one of the things I always found hardest to get right.

    I am pulled from my thoughts by the starter and I launch myself into the pool, this time it feels good, I cut into the water smoothly and kick through the underwater phase. As I surface and transition into the crawl I glance left and see I am in the lead, it gives me a confidence boost and I push a little harder. I nail the tumble turn at the end of the first length. It''s an Olympic sized pool and I am totally not used to that, our local pool is half the length so I get to push off more and the distance between rests is showing, my initial lead is dwindling. I knuckle down and give a last little push, as I look down the pool I can¡¯t tell if I was first or not. It felt good, perhaps the others are just better. Pulling myself out of the water I see mum giving me the thumbs up, hopefully, that means I¡¯m through to the finals of this one.

    I return to my seat on the bench, dripping water all the way.

    ¡°Did I win that one?¡± I ask Becky.

    ¡°Only just! You were way ahead at the turn but halfway back you slowed and they almost caught you. It was exciting.¡± Yeah, exciting to watch, nerve-wracking to swim!

    The last two heats are finished and I get back up, hopefully, I will win this one, the next event is the butterfly and I don¡¯t fancy my chances.

    I end up standing on the starting blocks next to the girl with the missing leg, she¡¯s taller than I am and she smiles at me and I smile back. Damn, she¡¯s even prettier up close.

    The starter goes and we are off, she gets ahead of me off the block, how the hell she manages that with one leg is beyond me. I find myself struggling to keep up but then I nail the turn again and I¡¯m right there beside her, she¡¯s fingertips ahead. I push myself hard and it seems like I¡¯m catching her, I can hear the crowd cheering us on but can¡¯t tell if it¡¯s me or her they are cheering.

    On to the last few meters, I catch her and I end the competition a fraction of a second ahead of her.

    ¡°Holy crap you¡¯re fast!¡± I tell her, she smiles, panting.

    ¡°Not fast enough.¡± She holds her hand out over the lane divider and I shake it. ¡°I¡¯ll get you in the butterfly!¡± she threatens.

    ¡®Yeah, easily!¡¯ I think to myself.

    We wait through the longer distances, I¡¯m not competing in any of them and the water dries almost entirely off my body whilst I wait. My friend does pretty well in the four hundred meters, coming second overall and just pipped on the last length.

    Then I¡¯m up again, I amaze myself on the first heat of the butterfly, winning by a huge lead. Very unusual for me. My competition wins her heat handily too. She points at me laughing, a gesture I take to mean she thinks she¡¯s going to beat me. I don¡¯t doubt it, my winning the heat was a fluke.

    Before long I¡¯m up again, we are separated by two lanes this time but she gives me a nod as she hops past.

    On the starter, she beats me again, and this time stays in front at the turn, amazingly I seem to be second but even then she is a couple of body lengths ahead. I push on, feeling completely uncoordinated in this stupid stroke. It feels like I am only halfway down the lane when she finishes, man she¡¯s fast! I still finish well ahead of the pack and we give each other an ¡®air high five¡¯ in celebration.

    As we get out of the pool I make sure to meet her, ¡°That was awesome!¡± I tell her, ¡°You were so far ahead I had no chance.¡±

    ¡°Yeah, the butterfly is my best stroke. Hey, mind if I lean on your shoulder a bit?¡± I let her lean but she doesn¡¯t put much pressure on me, she¡¯s actually pretty good at hopping. I guess you get used to it if you do it a lot. ¡°Is that you done? I only do two events so that¡¯s me spectating now.¡±

    ¡°Yeah, me too, our coach alternates us between sprints and longs.¡± I tell her, ¡°I prefer sprints. My name¡¯s Kelly by the way.¡±

    She introduced herself as Charlotte, ¡°Hey mum, I¡¯m going to sit with Kelly for a bit.¡± she said grabbing her towel and her prosthetic leg at the same time. ¡°Can you carry this for me?¡± she asked, holding out the leg.

    Geeze it was weird holding someone else¡¯s leg. It was oddly light, I was gripping it around the ankle and couldn¡¯t help but stare at the painted toenails, they were five different colours.

    ¡°Yeah, I painted them at a sleepover about six months ago. It turns out the varnish sticks really well to acrylic!¡± She had obviously spotted me staring.

    ¡°Cool,¡± I murmured, not really knowing what to say. ¡°This is my friend Rebecca, Becky for short.¡±

    ¡°Nice to meet you, Rebecca. I¡¯m Charlotte, Chaz if you want to shorten it.¡± She let go of my shoulder and shook Becky¡¯s hand. I rather missed the warmth of her touch.

    She sat down beside Becky and I sat on the end whilst she pulled a weird sock thing over the stump of her calf. ¡°Can I have my leg back?¡± she asked.

    ¡°Oh shit, sorry I forgot I was holding it!¡± Yeah, smooth Kelly. I hand her the leg and she slips it on over the sock and then stands up, doing a little shimmy which must have been to make it sit properly. She sat down and suddenly she was normal, her foot was part of her and it was as if she wasn''t missing a limb at all, she was super coordinated and if it weren¡¯t for the colour, you wouldn¡¯t pick she had a missing leg.

    ¡°So, where do you go to school?¡± She asked us.

    ¡°We both go to Hillcrest,¡± Becky replied.

    ¡°Oh wow, me too. How come I¡¯ve not seen you there before?¡± Charlotte asked.

    I take a deep breath, knowing this is the clincher. ¡°We¡¯re first years, just started this term.¡±

    ¡°Oh yeah? I¡¯m in second year. We should totally hang out sometime.¡± What just happened? Second-year students don¡¯t hang out with first years, it just doesn¡¯t happen.

    My brain is still doing a reboot as Becky says excitedly, ¡°Yeah! That would be cool.¡±

    The next heats start-up and we have to pause our conversation to support the squad. It¡¯s one of those rules that¡¯s actually written down, the coach takes it very seriously too.

    When the heat finishes Charlotte turns to Becky, ¡°I saw your final in the four hundred backstroke. You were super unlucky with that last turn. If you had been slightly faster you would have won.¡±

    ¡°Yeah, I always have trouble turning when I¡¯m doing the backstroke, I get it right about half the time and then I end up doing this weird tumble turn and ending up on my front every so often. It¡¯s like I have a mental block.¡± More like mental deficiency I want to say, I don¡¯t though. I really don¡¯t want to spoil our chances of hanging out with the older girls.

    Before I know it the competition is done. This one was just a short one, I¡¯ve been to all-day events and they normally really suck. I somehow find myself wishing it was one of those this time, our new friend is cool and I totally want to spend more time with her.

    ¡°So, who¡¯s the new girl you were sitting with?¡± Mum asks on the way home. I find myself babbling about her, that is until I notice mum¡¯s grin. Then I shut up.

    ¡°Sounds like you made a new friend. Any idea how she lost her leg?¡± She asks, trying to keep me talking.

    This book was originally published on Royal Road. Check it out there for the real experience.

    ¡°Oh, yeah, like I¡¯m going to ask her that!¡± I blurt, mums eyes narrow and I sneak out a quick ¡°Sorry.¡± before following up with ¡°But really, would you like everyone talking about that sort of thing?¡±

    ¡°No, I guess not, that¡¯s very mature of you Kelly,¡± Dad says, turning around in his chair. ¡°She was amazingly fast, especially for someone with one less foot, I would have thought it would be a major disability in swimming. I thought your foot did a lot of the propulsion.¡±

    Now that he says it I realise he is right, ¡°Yeah, it is kind of amazing.¡± I admit.

    The music gets slightly better on the way home, at least dipping into the eighties and nineties. Nothing recorded since I was born though.

    When we get home I race up to tell my sister all about my evening but I find she has gone to bed. Ug, selfish! I go and shower off the chlorine stench, the water feels so nice and warm after being practically naked and wet for so long. I use Anne¡¯s shampoo and conditioner, yeah it might be out of spite but I am annoyed she didn¡¯t support me and couldn¡¯t be bothered waiting up to hear how I did.

    When I get to my room I take out the new diary, this time I have something proper to write.

    <blockquote>

    Dear Diary, why do people always start with that? It¡¯s dumb, anyway, swimming comp tonight. I won the front crawl (I refuse to call it freestyle, it¡¯s the bloody front crawl, people just call it freestyle because you can do any stroke in that and front crawl is fastest so obviously that¡¯s what everyone uses). Anyway, I just managed to beat this girl Charlotte, then she thrashed me in the butterfly. She¡¯s so cool. Really pretty too, she¡¯s got the cutest freckles. I totally think I have a crush on her. She¡¯s a year older than me and goes to my school. She says we can hang out together at school. She even likes Becky who was a total dork tonight. God, I wish I had this gaydar people talk about. How the hell am I meant to know if it¡¯s safe to ask her out? Anne was a bitch tonight too. I mean, I get not going to my normal swim meets but this was a proper competition, she didn¡¯t even wait up for me. Bitch.

    </blockquote>

    I¡¯ve run out of space. Shit, that¡¯s the longest entry this diary has. I flick back and read some of the old entries, they do read okay, I don¡¯t think I would notice they were written in the last week if I didn¡¯t know. I write a few more to fill out the whitespace between them and today¡¯s entry. Feeling bitchy I write again about Anne staring at Heather¡¯s ass.

    ¡°Bedtime Kelly!¡± Goddammit, it¡¯s not even ten. Well, I guess the sooner I sleep the sooner I get to see Charlotte again. Chucking the diary back in its shoe I slip under the covers and turn the light out. Then I drop the book and the Rubix Cube that I¡¯m lying on out of the bed. Perhaps mum is right about needing to tidy my room.

    <hr>

    I had weird dreams. They started out nice, I remember dreaming about a pretty girl with freckles which may or may not have been Charlotte. Then I started having dreams about having feet for hands and having to swim backwards. There was some bizarre stuff about driving home in reverse and having to sing Beatles songs to power the car too.

    Honestly, I was glad when I woke up.

    And of course, Anne got out of bed late and grabbed buttered toast on the way out the door instead of asking me how last night went. I give her the evil as she disappears.

    I sometimes wish we went to the same school, then again, it would probably just give her more time to blatantly ignore me. Oh well, at least I get a lift to school, my bitchy older sister can wait for the bus in the rain without me.

    I have a whole half hour to read my book waiting for mum to get ready. It¡¯s funny she yells at me as soon as I am ten seconds late but when it¡¯s her delaying our morning trip I have to just grin and bear it. Worse still, I was hoping to find Charlotte and hang out this morning.

    Mum''s car at least has the radio tuned to something modern but it is super bizarre. Apparently, the song playing as we pull up to the school is by Kvelertak. It¡¯s some kind of hard rock grunge foreign music. I mean, I like it and I''ve heard it lots but I can¡¯t sing along to it. Why my parents can¡¯t just listen to normal music. I don¡¯t think I could tell Katie Perry from Miley Cyrus. It¡¯s embarrassing.

    I open the door, letting the super loud music wash out over the kids hanging around the front of the school. As I get out I realise Becky and Charlotte are waiting for me, sitting on a wall a short way off. Mum waves at them before driving off.

    ¡°Was that Ramstein?¡± Charlotte asked, ¡°Your mum lets you listen to that in the car?¡±

    ¡°No, its Kvelertak I think. It¡¯s not my music.¡± I said, wishing I could crawl into my own shadow in embarrassment.

    ¡°Cool!¡± She was pulling a notebook from her bag, ¡°kerveltak?¡± she asked.

    ¡°What are you doing?¡± I ask in bewilderment, is she actually writing down the music I was listening to?

    ¡°I¡¯m going to google them when I get home, it sounded cool,¡± she explained, sounding no less insane to me.

    ¡°Well, I think it¡¯s spelt K-v-e-l-e-r-t-a-k, I personally prefer Howl, at least they sing in English and listening to them doesn¡¯t make me think they¡¯re going to tear their voice boxes out.¡± She scribbled that down too. Holy crap, don¡¯t tell me mum''s music might not get me laughed at!

    ¡°Cool, I¡¯ve been listening to Till Lindemann but mum made me stop when she heard the ¡®be my human Eiffel Tower¡¯ song.¡± She leant in close and whispered, ¡°Apparently it¡¯s about a woman peeing on him!¡±

    I couldn¡¯t help myself, I snorted in laughter. ¡°I wonder if my mum knows that, she listens to it on the radio all the time!¡±

    We wander into the school, it¡¯s almost time for the first bell so we don¡¯t have long to hang out but it¡¯s fun. If I hadn¡¯t known Charlotte had a false leg I never could have told. She walks on it perfectly, even backwards on the top of a wall! Before I know it the bell rings and Becky and I are running full tilt down the corridors, we were quite a long way from class!

    We breathlessly arrive at the classroom, only to be told off for running in the corridors, damned if you do, eh?

    The teacher checks that we are all here and then goes through the boring announcements and then she kicks us out. What a pointless waste of time. You rush all the way across school, get counted and then have to walk all the way back! Some things just make no sense to me. For one thing, why send the kids all over the school? We could just stay in one class and the teachers could move around. Except for PE, and chemistry, actually all the sciences, and art, and home economics. Damn.

    "Whatcha'' thinkin'' ''bout?" Becky asks me in the stupidest accent. I don''t want to but for some reason my face betrays me and I smile.

    "Jus'' thinkin'' about the whys n'' the wherefores o'' t''world" I reply, trying to mimic the accent. "That what seems dumb, summit'' has reason methinks!"

    She cracks up laughing and drags me along to the computing lab. Another mostly boring class. Today we are learning about arrays, I don''t see why we need so much time for this. You push or you pop, you can nest and define data types. It''s all pretty easy. By about five minutes in I have the code written that does what he wants. I''m wishing they would connect these old clunkers to the internet but in the end, satisfy myself by prettying up the input and output windows and making three different versions of my code with functions and subroutines and eventually a one-liner.

    The teacher does seem impressed. Unfortunately, I learnt none of this in his class, dad has been teaching me coding ever since he bought me a raspberry pi for Christmas a couple of years ago. We''ve done some cool stuff with it and he says we are going to build a robot in the Christmas holidays. Which I guess is cool. I wanted to make a 3d printer though.

    It turns out it isn''t too long for people to learn that stuff. Becks is still struggling at the end of class, she seems to be missing the idea of syntax and closing parenthesis. I fix her ten lines of code in about thirty seconds and save it for her before we head for morning break.

    We get a whole ten minutes to chat with our friends then we are off our separate ways. Apparently, she is better at English than me! Me, the author of two works of fiction already! Well, partial diaries of fiction. I laugh at my own joke and get odd looks from several people nearby. Philistines.

    Oh god, English is boring. Who cares what a verb or an adverb is! And don''t get me started on ''comprehension'' I think, if you can read and write just stop and call it done. Hold on, perhaps that''s why Becky is in the top class, perhaps she actually cares about this drivel. I seem to have nodded off, at least I assume that is why the teacher smacked the desk, waking me up.

    "Am I boring you, Miss Stevens?" She asks sternly.

    "No, not at all, I just find it hard to keep my eyes open when I find something so interesting," I murmur sleepily. Apparently, that slight sarcasm got me detention during lunch. Bugger. This hanging out with Charlotte thing just isn''t going well today.

    I nod off twice more during class, I''m so much better at the doing than the listening, and then I shuffle off to Mr Kuzinski''s math class for detention. I don''t even manage to find Becks on the way to explain to her.

    We at least get to eat our packed lunch in detention whilst sitting quietly. Then of course I fall asleep again, this time the teacher allows me to sleep head tilted back and no doubt snoring and drooling with my mouth embarrassingly wide open. I''m pretty sure that''s why he left me to sleep.

    I wake to an empty classroom and somehow expect to either be having one of those dreams where you walk the halls naked or to have marker pen glasses on my face. Surprisingly it''s neither but it was the bell that woke me. I groggily try to work out where I am and more importantly where I should be. Shit, geography!

    I race through the halls, risking detention again. Trying to get to the other side of the school in a sum total of thirty seconds, I take entire flights of stairs in one jump and pivot myself around poles, occasionally bouncing a foot off a wall to arrest my momentum.

    In the end, I needn''t have bothered. The teacher was late, I was in my seat for five minutes before she walked in carrying a stack of photocopied handouts.

    This class was pretty cool, we had to pretend to be a town planner and we had a map with an unfinished road, we had to group up and balance cost and efficiency for planning types of road junctions. One of the teams put four-way give way intersections everywhere, they did save the most money but I couldn''t imagine driving through it! When we had drawn out plans the teacher put a map with the real planners'' junctions up on the overhead projector. We weren''t too far off.

    I finally managed to meet Charlotte and Rebecca during the afternoon break. I apologised for getting detention but they just laughed.

    "We hung out with Charlotte''s friends, didn''t miss you at all, in fact, I didn''t even notice you weren''t there!" Becks said with a smile on her face, I smacked her shoulder. "Seriously though, stop getting detention, that''s like, ten times since we started high school! I thought they sent letters home eventually?"

    "Yeah, but I can sign dad''s name better than he can! As long as they keep avoiding parent-teacher night I''m fine. I have it on good authority that the office never calls people''s parents!" They both look at me in disbelief, "Tom''s mum works in the office!" That shut them up. "And my sister is in her last year, they have never been to a PTA night!"

    "Yeah, but your sister is a straight-A student!" She doesn''t seem cowed by my death glare. Damn her.

    "I can get good grades. If not, I can falsify documents." My glib answer seems to have stalled my so-called friend.

    "Or you could just study and not get detention?" Et tu Charlotte?

    I clutch my heart, "You wound me!"

    They laugh and we spit from Charlotte to get to class. Chemistry! I have made it my mission to make something explode this year. Unfortunately, this has necessitated me actually studying way the hell ahead, trying to find reagents which we will be using that I might be able to make react violently. I even downloaded and read the anarchists cookbook, which gave me lots of cool ideas but no help with my chemistry project. It also probably put my bedroom neighbors whose internet I steal on some government watch list!

    We get to class and Mr Clasper is waiting, lab coat on and hands crossed in front of his desk. The bell hasn''t even rung. I''m sure when he went to school in the sixties he would have been the squarest of squares.

    "Afternoon Mr Clasper." No sense in being impolite.

    "Miss Stevens, Miss Wright. You may want to get yourselves a Bunsen burner and goggles before the rest of the class arrive."

    We meander to the cupboard and get said equipment, fire isn''t quite as good as explosions but it''s better than anything I''ve done so far today. Of course, I know what''s coming as I read the book, endothermic and exothermic reactions. I need severe exothermic reactions but there is nothing in use today which would do that!

    After setting things up and getting our books out we chat for a few minutes, it turns out Charlotte''s friends are mostly boys. I don''t know what to read into that but it excites Becky in a way which makes me very disappointed. She apparently would quite like an older boyfriend.

    Once everyone arrives the teacher goes through the reaction on the board, we are treated to one of those, this is how it works but you don''t need to know it lectures. It went along the lines of ''both these reactions have a reaction energy barrier called a transition state, the energy graph looks like this but you don''t need to know this until your A-Levels!'' it was all pretty cool and interesting but ultimately the hour twenty lesson boiled down to learning Latin. Exo = out, Endo = in. I think back on my introspection from the morning registration class and realise that this was mainly an exercise in measuring and using a bunsen burner.

    When the end of the day finally comes I find myself doing my homework in the gym, I am there in part to watch Becky¡¯s netball practice but in actuality, I have to wait for mum. There are pros and cons to going to a different school from Anne, for one I don¡¯t have to wear a dorky school uniform. I find that one especially satisfying. Secondly, I get to hang out with Becky, we¡¯ve been friends forever. Erm¡­ yeah, those are the only pros I can think of. Cons of course include having to wait until mum picks me up. I do sometimes get to go to Becky¡¯s house to wait, she only lives around the corner from school now since she moved last year, and she has a PlayStation.

    My phone pings, mum is outside so I wave to Becky and pack up. Mum works at a law firm downtown so it¡¯s fairly random when she finishes work each day. Occasionally dad picks me up, those are the days I usually end up at Becky¡¯s so I don¡¯t mind much. Today she¡¯s early, I haven¡¯t even gotten my homework done which is unusual.

    I jump in the big people mover and cringe at the volume of the music, another Scandinavian death metal band but this time one I don¡¯t recognise, embarrassingly, mum is headbanging and singing the foreign lyrics badly but loudly. I hunker down and try to ignore her, at least nobody is here to see.

    We manage the drive with a minimum of dumb conversation about class. Mum manages this far better than dad does, he just has to try and natter. Almost the moment we are in the door Anne storms in, she doesn¡¯t say a word to us, just thumps up the stairs to her bedroom. Nice to see you too Anne.

    I am stuck helping mum with the prep work for dinner, peeling and chopping vegetables mainly. Mum seems stuck on this health kick, veggie frittata tonight, with salad!

    By the time dad arrives dinner is ready and mum calls Anne when there was no answer she went upstairs. I thought she was going to tell her off but apparently, no, Anne is allowed not to have boring frittata because Anne is upset.

    She didn¡¯t come down after dinner either so I sit and finish my homework, then I watch some TV. By the time it¡¯s eight o¡¯clock I start to wonder what¡¯s wrong. I sneak up and peek through her door, she¡¯s curled up in the fetal position in the dark. I turn on the light and sit on the edge of the bed. It appears she was asleep, judging by the start I gave her. It looks like she¡¯s been crying too.

    ¡°Want to talk about it?¡± I¡¯m interested, and bored so what¡¯s the harm in asking?

    The dual thud of two shoes hitting the floor startles me slightly.

    ¡°No.¡± She says, sounding like a petulant child.

    "Did you get into a fight?" I ask, trying not to sound condescending.

    ¡°No.¡± Oh god, is this how I sound to mum and dad? I may have to start saying more than one-word answers! ¡°I don''t like you being the adult." She really does sound like a sulking child.

    She gave this big disgusting snot-filled sniff and I grimaced. ¡°Come on, just tell me. I won¡¯t judge.¡± Well, not out loud. I have to stop myself from smirking at my private joke.

    "I think I might need to move schools." Now, this caused me to smile in amusement, perfect Anne did something so embarrassing she doesn¡¯t want to show her face at school? Fortunately, she can¡¯t see because she¡¯s hidden her face in the pillow.

    "Something embarrassing?" I ask in a light tone, all the while chanting ¡®please, please!¡¯ in my head.

    ¡°I read your diary,¡± she mumbles into the pillow. ¡°Sorry.¡± Now I am glad she isn¡¯t looking because I am sure my smile turned evil. I haven¡¯t even finished the thing and it caught her!

    ¡°Ah,¡± I say, not entirely sure how to tease this one out of her.

    ¡°I didn¡¯t know.¡± I make an ¡®mmhmm¡¯, noise, ¡°It made me wonder if you were right.¡±

    ¡°What do you mean Anne?¡± She takes her face out of the pillow, new tears streaking her face. Fortunately, I had my face under control.

    ¡°I¡¯ve never considered¡­ being a lesbian,¡± she whispered the last part. ¡°I always just assumed, you know¡­ boys¡­¡± I make another encouraging noise, slightly confused now, is she saying she isn¡¯t a lesbian or that she didn¡¯t know she was a lesbian?

    ¡°Well, I talked to a girl at school who is gay. She gave me some advice.¡± I pause for a second, she doesn¡¯t sound like she is going to continue.

    ¡°What advice, Anne?¡± Come on, get to the juicy bits!

    ¡°So, she asked what I think about when I''m erm...you know.¡± I nod, fully understanding the rationale, ¡°Well, I told her I didn¡¯t know because I don¡¯t and she told me to go home and¡­ masturbate!¡± again she whispered the last word, I couldn¡¯t help but laugh, more at her inability to say the word out loud than anything.

    ¡°And how did that amount to you having to change schools?¡± Come on! It¡¯s like pulling teeth!

    ¡°Well, I might have told Abby.¡± Abby is her best friend, I know she didn¡¯t out her to the school or anything so I just raise my eyebrows questioningly. ¡°She¡­ suggested we do it together. Then when I didn¡¯t want to¡­ she kissed me.¡±

    ¡°Hold on, hold on. Can I just get this straight?¡± I say, something just having clicked. "So, never? Not once?" I ask, baffled.

    "Don''t you start!" Anne said and threw the pillow she had been hugging at me.

    "Sorry, sorry. Just, you know. Surprised, you''re four years older than me. Hell, I do it most Sundays!" Oh damn, I had not meant to say that! This sharing is dangerous.

    "After swimming meets?" Anne asked accusingly.

    "Well¡­" Fuck you too Anne, so I know what gets me off and it¡¯s seeing girls naked. I shake my head and force myself to continue, "She''s been your friend for years, you trust her, don''t you? Perhaps give her some dues? She may actually be attracted to you, your rejection might be hard on her too."

    "She likes boys." Oh god, could you be any more naive?

    "Some people¡­ swing both ways." Honestly, how is she so dense!

    Anne sniffed and wiped her eyes. "Since when are you the mature one? And how come you know so much about this stuff?"

    "Turns out I''ve been dealing with this longer than you. And there''s books, and the internet." Or at least, there is the internet if you sit at the bedroom window with your tablet just so and catch the edge of the neighbour¡¯s unsecured wifi. No fucking way I¡¯m looking on our wifi! Dad runs a transparent proxy with glasswire on it, he can see everything!

    "Oh Kelly, I''m sorry, I made this all about me. I had started out wanting to be able to give you advice!" She sits up and hugs me, it felt odd, "You''re so grown up. When did that happen?"

    "When you weren''t looking, obviously." I laugh, thinking how mad she would be if she knew I had engineered this.

    Anne drags herself out of bed, "Thanks for the pep talk. I need to do my homework though."

    "So, not moving schools?" I quip as I leave, perhaps getting her to come out might be easier than I thought.

 02 - Beginners luck.

    I honestly can¡¯t believe that worked, it was just an idle ploy that I dreamed up a few weeks ago when I was feeling particularly peeved. The fact that it worked so quickly too!

    But what is with my sister? Does she honestly never get aroused? It¡¯s not like her hormones aren¡¯t firing properly, she has way bigger tits than me! And what¡¯s with her best friend kissing her? I somehow can¡¯t imagine Abby playing with her like that, if it were me, now I would totally fuck with someone by doing that but Abby? If she is serious¡­ wow, Abby is pretty and fun, a little bit flabby for my tastes but certainly sexy enough. To be honest, if I have somehow pushed them together well¡­go me?

    I pull out the unfinished diary and write a few more entries to fill the gap, man it¡¯s tedious. Actually, why am I doing this, there is actual juicy stuff I can write on today¡¯s page.

    <blockquote>

    I found out today that Anne read my diary. It turns out however that she is super weird. She admitted to me she has never masturbated! Not once in her life! That is weird, isn¡¯t it? Anyway, it may have come back to bite her, she told some girl from school who suggested she sees what gets her off but then she told her best friend and that all went really sideways. Apparently, either Abby is a bit of a pervert or she¡¯s messing with Anne. Either way, I am super interested in what happens.

    I totally missed hanging out with Charlotte today at lunch, so I find English a little sleep-inducing, so what, its no reason to punish me. Becky had fun though. I am getting pretty strong vibes that she is not a lesbian, which at least means there is less chance she and Charlotte will hook up if they hang out without me. Honestly, I am crushing bad. She is so nice, and doesn¡¯t make fun of the music I am forced to listen to. Here¡¯s hoping.

    </blockquote>

    Somehow I suspect people might notice the difference if every real entry fills the page and the fake ones are one or two lines! Perhaps I should put more effort in. In fact, perhaps I need to move the diary! If Anne found it the same day I hid it¡­ actually, how did she find it? Holy crap, she either wanted to borrow my stinky old shoes or she was properly searching my bedroom! I suddenly feel really violated. Well, that¡¯s it, I am totally searching her room next time she¡¯s out. See how she likes it.

    I quickly update the other diary, my results from yesterday and the homework I did today hardly filling a line each and then I put both diaries back where they came from. I¡¯m too annoyed to think up a better hiding place just now.

    I have a thought, what if Anne and Abby don''t get together, or Anne decides she imagining the lesbian feelings? I''m back almost to square one. I sit staring into space, plans and possibilities going round and round in my head. I have the beginnings of an idea.

    I pickup the home phone and dial Abby number (speed dial 3), it rings once before Abby picks up, "Anne, thank god, I wasn''t sure if I should call you."

    "It''s not Anne, sorry." I still wasn''t sure how I was going to play this. "It''s Kelly, Anne explained what you did to her. She''s really upset."

    "Oh no¡­ how much did she tell you?" I''m hoping she told me everything.

    "Let''s just say she told me about some pretty lewd suggestions from you and a very inappropriate kiss." I say, fishing.

    "Oh. Yeah." She''s pretty downbeat, good I can use that.

    "She was pretty close to asking to join me at Hillcrest. I''m not sure she wants to see you again." There is silence on the other end of the phone. "Why did you do it Abby? Were you making fun of her?"

    "No¡­" again the silence.

    "So, you actually wanted to do that stuff? With Anne? You know it must have taken a lot of courage for her to tell you?" I think it''s working, but I have no idea what it''s doing! "I''m going to talk to her, ask her to give you another chance but¡­ if you weren''t serious about being interested in her¡­ she honestly might not want to be your friend anymore." I think I''m laying on too thick but then I hear tears on the other end of the phone.

    "I don''t want to lose her." She sobbed, "I was willing to try, just so she wouldn''t ditch me for someone else."

    "So, you were going to pretend to be a lesbian?" Again the silence, this time with sobbing. "Abby? You know, unless you actually are attracted to her it wouldn''t work." Oh god, I hadn''t intended to be actually handing out advice! "Unless you can hand on heart say you are attracted to her and are at the very least bi-curious you would be better off letting her go."

    She didn''t talk for ages and I didn''t feel like filling the silence. "Okay." She said at long last.

    "Okay? Well. I will try to get her to listen to you. I expect she may be a bit pissed though." There was a little mmhmm and a resumption of sobbing on the other end. "Okay. Good luck, and do have a good long think before you decide to string her along." I hang up and smile, glad of having already convinced Anne to talk to her. I think perhaps Abby may be far more conducive to the idea of a relationship now.

    After a shower and brushing my teeth, fully not prompted by mum shouting at me, I slip into bed. I am actually super tired and sleep comes really quickly.

    <hr>

    What is with these dreams recently? I had this weird cyclic dream where I hid something really important and then someone found it so I would hide it in a more difficult place and every time someone, sometimes someone really random too, would find it. Somehow it ended with me hiding a golden iPod six feet deep inside a tomb raider-esq dungeon and my sister idly digging it up when she was planting a tree.

    Needless to say, it wasn¡¯t the most restful sleep I¡¯ve had. I resolve myself to have stern words with Anne after breakfast. Obviously, my subconscious is telling me this is a big thing.

    ¡°Where¡¯s Anne?¡± I ask when I get downstairs, the breakfast table was glaringly empty and I had passed her open bedroom door on the way down.

    ¡°She went out early to catch up with Abby. She must have been in a rush, she only grabbed buttered toast to eat on the way.¡± Mum said, then looked confused when I made a frustrated noise and stamped my foot. Damn my sister, somehow she manages to ignore me at the times which wind me up the most. It¡¯s like she¡¯s trying to piss me off.

    I sit and munch my cereal, idly thinking perhaps Mr Kellog succeeded with Anne in his bid to stop masturbation through boring breakfast cereal! It¡¯s odd, why breakfast? Perhaps I am unusual in this but by the time I have breakfast I have either already rubbed one out or have already got no interest in doing so. Actually, usually, I do it at night so perhaps cornflakes as a supper time snack would be more apt?

    ¡°What are you thinking so hard about Kelly?¡± I almost choke on the spoonful of cornflakes I am eating when mum asks this. I¡¯m sure a small amount of milk actually came out of my nose.

    Once I have recovered and wiped my face I say, ¡°Nothing!¡± judging by the way mums eyes narrow I don¡¯t think I got away with that one.

    ¡°Hmm. Coffee?¡± Oh god yes, brown nectar of the gods, I love you so. I hold out my cup nodding rapidly.

    ¡°So, what¡¯s on at school today?¡± she asks and I almost answer ¡®not much¡¯ but then remember my frustrating conversation with Anne last night.

    ¡°Hopefully I¡¯m going to get to hang out with Charlotte, she really likes your music by the way.¡± Way better, and I avoided the boring school shit at the same time!

    ¡°Does she now? A young lady with taste! I approve.¡± She smiled and I remembered the conversation yesterday morning.

    ¡°Did you know that ¡®Be My Eiffel Tower¡¯ is about a girl peeing on him?¡± I ask, trying to look innocent.

    ¡°...yes¡­¡± she said this with exaggerated slowness and I grin. She takes a deep breath, ¡°This is possibly one of those moments I should be giving you ¡®The Talk¡¯¡±

    ¡°Oh god no!¡± I stick my fingers in my ears, ¡°lalalalalalala.¡± I say as she launches into a way too long speech about deviancies I would rather believe didn¡¯t exist. Fortunately, both she and I could pretend I heard none of it, even though every brain bleedingly damaging word was heard.

    Honestly, mum, ¡®golden showers?¡¯ yuck!

    Thankfully the ¡®talk¡¯ ended and we cleared up the dishes and headed for school. I was making an effort to actually say more than one-word answers. God, it was so tiring!

    I was pleasantly surprised when Charlotte and Becky were waiting for me again. ¡°Oh my god! Your Leiberman comment! Mum launched into a full-on graphic sex-ed talk!¡± Both girls laughed at my embarrassment, ¡°Honestly, you would not believe the stuff she was saying. It damaged me, it truly did.¡±

    ¡°Yeah, my mum did sort of the same.¡± Charlotte seemed to be pleased that I had shared her torture. I found that couldn¡¯t blame her, I was currently trying to think how I could trick Becky into the same mistake!

    We chatted idly whilst we wandered the halls, I have no idea why Charlotte isn¡¯t hanging out with her own friends but I am totally not complaining.

    ¡°I¡¯m getting fitted for a blade this weekend.¡± I look at her in puzzlement for a second, assuming she meant something like a samurai sword and then I remember that she has a missing leg. ¡°Oh! Like Oscar Pistorius?¡± I ask.

    ¡°Yeah, but less murdery.¡± She¡¯s grinning ear to ear, I think this must be a huge thing for her.

    ¡°Cool, so does that mean you can compete in the running events in PE?¡± I remember she told me her current leg isn¡¯t strong enough for a lot of the stuff we do in PE.

    ¡°Yeah, and the other stuff like basketball and things, they''re meant to be almost indestructible, unlike this one, it would snap like a twig if I tried to run on it." She waved her leg in the air whilst saying this, "I have to decide if I wear it outside of sports though. They did tell me it might help me get used to it but I kind of like that people normally forget I only have one leg.¡± She looks a little nervous, a complete contrast to a few seconds ago. ¡°I was thinking I might get a haircut at the same time, perhaps go for a full-on pixie cut. That way it might distract people, draw their attention away from my leg.¡±

    Taken from Royal Road, this narrative should be reported if found on Amazon.

    ¡°You would look so good with a pixie cut.¡± I say enthusiastically, ¡°I think it would highlight your cute freckles.¡± Then I had a thought, ¡°Hold on, can you wear full-length trousers with a blade?¡±

    ¡°Yeah, mine¡¯s going to be pretty short so my leg will fill out the trouser leg okay and it should fit over the blade.¡± She looked down at her current leg. ¡°I might just keep using this one until I get used to the blade. Perhaps I can wear it outside school and get used to walking on it.¡± She gave us a little smile. ¡°Want to hang out next weekend? Help me get used to it?¡± Hell yes! I¡¯m in with bells on.

    ¡°Sure,¡± I say with a little more decorum, ¡°We can do something new, what sports have you been wanting to try that we could do with three people?¡±

    ¡°We could invite the boys!¡± Goddammit, Becky! How am I meant to get close to her if you invite the whole world to our private get-togethers!

    ¡°Yeah, good idea, we could play something like five a side football. That would be cool, then you guys could come around for dinner?¡± Score! Hell yes, she¡¯s into me, she has to be, why else would she be pushing seeing us separately? Shit, I think my heart is racing!

    ¡°Sounds great.¡± Yep, nailed it, made it sound casual. God yes, I am so excited about this. I just wish it didn¡¯t have to be more than a week away!

    The bell rings and again we have to hurry to get to our registration class. This time we are closer to class so we don¡¯t have to run.

    The morning drags on, religious education was pretty cool, we¡¯re learning about Scientology, man those guys are nutjobs! Honestly, it¡¯s something some sci-fi writer invented! It¡¯s all really creepy too, people being married off and it being super hard to leave! I just can¡¯t believe all these famous people are in it, these are educated people!

    We move straight from RE into Guidance, yeah, what a pointless namby-pamby class this is. We are answering an online questionnaire which apparently is going to tell us what our ideal job is! Honestly, it¡¯s as bad as those ¡®which marvel superhero are you?¡¯ ones on social media! I¡¯ve done it three times now with completely different answers and every time it has told me I should be a brewer! Like brewing beer? What a load of tripe! This thing is meant to give us an idea of which subjects we should take when we do our selections for next year. I don¡¯t trust it enough to let it decide what flavour of juice to drink let alone trust it with my future career! Brewing! Urg, I launch the developer console in Chrome and edit the field for ¡®ideal-job¡¯, setting it to ¡®Internet Millionaire¡¯ and press the print button and running off two copies. The teacher is a Luddite anyway so probably won¡¯t even grasp the possibility I cheated.

    As we file out of class for first break I can hear everyone chatting about their ¡®ideal job¡¯ as if it matters in any real way. One girl was crying because she didn¡¯t want to be a civil engineer or some such twaddle.

    ¡°Whatcha get?¡± Becky asks me, we were forced to separate by the teacher on the first week of school because I was a ¡®bad influence¡¯. That¡¯s fine though, I am working hard to corrupt little Joey who I am now sitting with.

    ¡°Internet Millionaire,¡± I say, passing her the printout with a straight face.

    She looks at me with a pout, ¡°I hate you.¡± Yeah, I bet you do Becky!

    ¡°Well, what bullshit did it tell you?¡± I ask, mainly to appease her. The printout she hands me says ¡®Naval Gunner¡¯, ¡°Hey, that¡¯s cool.¡±

    ¡°Yeah but they¡¯re all gay in the navy.¡± I want to suggest in that case that perhaps we could both join but I bite my tongue.

    ¡°It¡¯s a bullshit test Becks, it gave me the same result no matter what answers I gave. It probably just assigns a job from your name or something.¡±

    She looks at me thoughtfully, that or she¡¯s constipated. ¡°You cheated, didn¡¯t you? You did the whole ¡®Kobayashi Maru¡¯ thing?¡± Oh god, she¡¯s such a star trek nerd.

    ¡°Yes, I cheated. It wasn¡¯t exactly hard to do.¡± I admit, ¡°And brewer? Really? Come on, let¡¯s find Charlotte and I¡¯ll buy you both a drink at the canteen with some of my internet millions!" Mum gives me money for a drink every day and I drink water from the fountain so I have quite a lot of money stashed away.

    We fail to find Charlotte, which saves me a few coins but makes me sad. The fifteen minutes flash past and we are off to physics. I like physics, it¡¯s like maths with a purpose, it helps that the teacher is cool and we get to do stuff. Like today we have an air hockey table on which we are pushing weights around and smacking them together to try and calculate the forces transferred. Becky doesn¡¯t get the same enjoyment from this but even she isn¡¯t bored.

    Lunch rolls around and Becky drags me off towards a table near the windows. I don¡¯t see Charlotte but Becky seems to know the boys. I reluctantly sit with them, fortunately, Becky seems to get on well with them otherwise I would have felt really uncomfortable.

    I get my sandwiches out, boring old cheese and ham. The boys all appear to have bought lunch at the canteen, lucky for some. That said, even the canteen seems to be having a push for healthy food, I don¡¯t see chips or burgers anywhere. What the hell is the world coming to? One of the boys even has a leafy salad yuk!

    ¡°So, Kelly, you¡¯re a swimmer too?¡± one of the boys asks from way down the table.¡°I¡¯m trying out for squads this year too, might see you guys tonight.¡± He said, obviously assuming I went to the same pool as Charlotte.

    ¡°Yeah, my class was cancelled tonight though.¡± I have no idea why, probably to make way for old women doing aqua aerobics!. ¡°You won¡¯t see me anyway, I¡¯m the competition!¡± I laugh, ¡°I say that but it¡¯s not mixed-gender races so you probably won¡¯t even see me much, the competitions tend to be separate unless it¡¯s a big one.¡± I¡¯m not sure but I think he looks upset that I won¡¯t be there. Weird.

    ¡°We might just have to have a swimming party sometime then, perhaps we can do a friendly race?¡± He suggested. I have this horrible feeling he is hitting on me!

    ¡°Hey, I¡¯m always up for more swimming,¡± I say, then I jump as a hand lands on my shoulder.

    ¡°Me too! When are you thinking Drew?¡± Charlotte asks as she sits down beside me, she really crept up on me!

    ¡°We haven¡¯t got that far yet, probably not for a few weeks at least. Let me get used to the schedule if I do make the team.¡± I assume the guy¡¯s name is Andrew then? I feel oddly happy that Charlotte chose the seat beside me rather than the one way down beside Andrew.

    The lunch break was fun, the guys are real gamer nerds though and it sounds like Charlotte has a PlayStation and plays online with them, this is probably why Becky likes them so much. I feel really out of touch and can¡¯t follow half of the conversation, Becky obviously can, she¡¯s talking about buying whatever game it is they play so that she can join them. I wonder if dad would buy me one for my birthday?

    All too soon we are back in class, exceptionally too soon because we''re back in English, I wouldn¡¯t mind never being in this class. I don''t know if it''s the subject or just the teacher, I certainly don''t like the teacher though, and not just because she keeps giving me detention.

    Surprisingly, I manage to stay awake and curb my sarcasm for the entire lesson. Tom, the boy I sit with, even congratulated me on it when we left the class.

    "I thought for sure you were going to mouth off when that boy suggested diarrhea could be a verb or a noun." I can feel the frown forming.

    "To be honest I was trying to decide if it was an adjective when used in ''verbal diarrhea'' I didn''t want to sound dumb if it wasn''t." I am totally going to have to look it up.

    His eyes pinched as he thought that through. "I guess, if the noun is verbal? No, that doesn''t make sense, the noun must be diarrhea otherwise it would be verb diarrhea."

    I grab his jacket lapels, "Please stop saying diarrhea."

    "I think the adjective must be something like diarrheic and the verb would be diarrheal?" I am going to hit him. "No, that''s not right either. Perhaps that is a pronoun?"

    "Do you want me to kill you?" I ask him calmly, still holding his jacket.

    "Nope." He made a loud pop with the P and I let go of his jacket and smoothed out the wrinkles.

    "Okay then. Let''s go find Becks, enjoy the sunshine and stop talking shit." He cringed, I enjoyed that one immensely, it was mainly the lead up that cinched it for me. I walk away smiling like a lunatic.

    My good mood stays all the way through tech studies and I get a text as the bell rings, mum is off work super early so she is waiting outside. I wave goodbye to Becky and jog out to the car. I actually enjoy nattering to mum this time, not that I''m going to admit it to her. It was our turn to cook again, the arrangement is that dad cooks on the days I have swimming and we, or at least mum, cooks on the other days. I like dad''s days, not because I shirk the work but mainly because we get tasty, unhealthy food. Today it''s herb crusted chicken and couscous with quinoa. I purposefully pronounce quinoa phonetically. It annoys the shit out of my mum!

    Everything is prepped and ready to go on when it''s time. I''m washing my hands as I''m tackled by an excited Anne, my sister is unusually boisterous and didn''t even let me dry my hands before pulling me up to her room. I throw mum an apologetic glance as I am manhandled out of the kitchen.

    She sits me down on her bed and hops up beside me, crossing her legs, I surreptitiously dry my hands on her bedspread, "I kissed her!" She says quiet enough that I struggle to hear her.

    My eyes bulge, bitch! One day thinking she might be a lesbian and she gets her first kiss! I do feel a swell of pride that it is absolutely my work that got her that kiss. "So you''re definitely not moving schools!" I quib.

    She just shakes her head and sits silently, looking at me with glassy eyes. ¡°Come on, you have to give me more than this, go back to the start, you left early?¡±

    ¡°Yeah, I went to her house. She was still in bed, apparently, she was going to avoid me by not going to school.¡± I nod, made sense after last night''s phone call.

    ¡°And? You jumped her bones then and there? What?¡±

    ¡°No, I told her how she had hurt me and that I wasn¡¯t happy with her. She apologised. I think she had been crying so she genuinely felt bad.¡± I nod and make the ¡®keep going¡¯ motion with my hand. ¡°Well, we hugged and she told me she was actually kind of interested in girls.¡±

    ¡°Did she? Interesting.¡±

    ¡°Yeah, well then she got ready and we caught the bus.¡± I ¡®mmhmm¡¯ trying to get her to continue.

    ¡°Well, I brushed her hair and stuff cos¡¯ she left the house in a hurry. Then she said she regretted kissing me when I was all upset so I¡­¡±

    Oh for fuck sake, ¡°Kissed her?¡± I prompt. She just nods. I catch myself sighing and shaking my head. ¡°And? Was it good, did it make your feet tingle? Did people see?¡±

    ¡°No! I mean, yes but¡­¡± She¡¯s funny when she¡¯s flustered. ¡°Nobody saw us, we were at the back of the bus and people weren¡¯t looking. The first one was nice, sweet, it made my heart skip a little.¡±

    ¡°First one?¡± I prompt.

    ¡°Well, my lips were a little chapped so I put on some Chapstick. Then I kissed her again, oh my god, that one was awesome!¡± Fuck I am so jealous right now.

    ¡°And that was it? Nothing since then? Just a kiss on the bus then nothing?¡±

    ¡°No, we held hands a bit when nobody was looking.¡± Oh geez, she is so going to get caught. "And then she kissed me goodbye." She bit her lip, looking inordinately smug.

    "So you are a lesbian?" I ask, willing her to admit it.

    "I don''t know." She says with a puzzled expression.

    "Oh come on! You kissed your best friend, multiple times, you liked it, you have to admit you like girls now." I want to beat it into her.

    "Yeah, but I don''t feel like I want to jump her bones, perhaps a nice long make-out session but¡­ it''s nice but not¡­ horny?" Anne trails off.

    Oh for christ sake! I consider pulling my hair out and look to the sky for guidance, "Well, it''s a start.¡± I have an evil thought, ¡°At least she''s hot. And she shaves."

    That earns me a punch to the shoulder, Annes a wuss though and puts absolutely no power into it, "When did you see my girlfriend naked? You pervert!" Her eyes went wild, I assume she just realised what she said, she bites down on her knuckles. "I said that, didn''t I?" I nod, come on, admit it, please? "Oh shit. Ohshitohshitohshit. Are we? Should I ask her?" Her eyes were wide and panicked and she seemed about to pull out her phone.

    "If you''re not ready to come out, don''t text her. Someone will see, guaranteed. I''m surprised it isn''t all around school already with how you two are behaving!" Actually, why am I giving her advice! I want her outed!

    "Yeah, yeah you''re probably right. We should be more careful. Should I call her? Would that seem desperate?" She asks, but I¡¯m done, she can do this on her own.

    "Probably." I shoot, walking out of the door smiling an evil smile to myself.

    As I walk down the hall I hear her call, "Probably what? Probably would seem desperate or probably should call? Dammit Kelly!" My smile widens.

 03 - Inclusion

    <blockquote>

    I can¡¯t believe she won¡¯t even admit to herself that she is a lesbian. It¡¯s been about a day since she even entertained the idea but already she is going out with her best friend. My best friend wouldn¡¯t even join the navy in case the boys were more interested in each other than her. It¡¯s so damned unfair!

    </blockquote>

    On Friday we hang out with some of our friends during the breaks, no point in being too pushy when a friendship is just starting. The day has passed quickly and we only have one subject left before we get to go swimming. We are playing a quick impromptu game of piggy in the middle with Myriam¡¯s bag. It''s probably cruel and nasty but she''s smiling so I don''t feel too bad and it gets us across the playing field to the gym. When we get there she stupidly opens the can of coke from her bag though and karmic retribution covers us all in the sticky black liquid. I choose to believe she didn''t do it on purpose.

    We enter the gym and quickly put on our gear before the changing rooms get crowded. PE is by far my favourite subject, apparently, in later years it involves learning but just now we are just playing games. Last week we had volleyball, something I had never played, watched or been interested in before but after an hour playing it, I could say at least that it was fairly fun. I''m hoping today will be equally interesting.

    The teacher seems pleased to see us, "Ah, girls. Glad to see you got here early, you can help set up!" Oh, joy. "Grab some cones and put three on the line on either side of the gym. One in each corner and one in the middle of the line." Interesting, I wonder what this game is. At least the setup is easy.

    We hang around, quite literally, waiting for the rest of the class. I challenged the girls to a chin-up competition and it appears I''m the only one who could do more than five. Poor little Myriam can''t even manage one, she even had to be lifted to the bar! When some of the boys arrive they join in, spoiling my fun. Mohamid easily doubles my count and he does all his faster than I did mine.

    Once the rest of the class arrives the teacher leads us through some warm-up exercises, I try not to laugh when some of the class are panting just from the warmups. Eventually, though, the teacher gets to explaining what we are about to do. Apparently, we are doing the beep test, you have to reach the other side of the gym, crossing the line before the next beep. It starts off so slow that you can walk it easily but before long you have to jog, then run. By the time there are only ten of us left we are sprinting and sliding to a halt at each end a voice calls levels every time the beeps speed up. At level 10 there are only three of us, at eleven only myself and a boy whose name I don''t know. I drop out before level 12 but he keeps going, very nearly making it to level 13.

    We all give him a round of applause when he finally fails, even the teacher is impressed. "Okay, that is your base level, we are going to do this again once each term. I want to see an improvement in everyone''s score by the end of the year. I expect every single person to reach at least level 9 by then. To facilitate this we will be alternating sprints and longer runs at the beginning of each class alongside our warmups." There were groans following this announcement but having done swimming class for a number of years I am quite happy with the exercises. "Okay, I need someone to clear up the cones and can someone else grab the bag of balls from the closet, we will finish off the day with boys vs girls dodgeball." Oh yeah! I''ve watched this movie, if you can dodge a wrench, you can dodge a ball! The four D''s dodge, duck, dive and dodge some more. Or, you know, something like that. It was a funny movie.

    By the end of class, I was glad I had swimming practice before dinner. I stank.

    I took the public bus to the pool with Becky, she stank too but I didn''t mention it, we just sat in our own miasma, not talking much until we reached the pool. Even then we stripped, changed and showered quickly and quietly before getting in the pool. We have about fifteen minutes before our practice starts but I think we are just too tired to lark about. We stand in the shallow end chatting until the coach arrives. He isn''t impressed at our times, nor our lack of enthusiasm and that just makes him work us harder. I want to call him bad names but I''m just too damned knackered.

    Mum drops Becky home, it''s out of our way but not too far. I''m almost asleep by the time we get home. By the time dad has dinner ready I am fully asleep on the couch and damn but its hard to wake up enough to eat dinner, it¡¯s even more annoying that for some reason I am absolutely not hungry, I poke the tagliatelle carbonara around the bowl with my fork getting angry looks from mum. I do manage about half, by that time though the creamy sauce is congealing and the pasta is all clumping together. It¡¯s enough for mum to let me leave the table though so I excuse myself and go to my bedroom.

    Before I have a chance to fall back to sleep fully clothed on my bed mum comes in. ¡°Are you alright Kelly? It''s not like you to be off your food.¡± God, I could do without her pestering me.

    ¡°Yeah, just knacked. PE and then swimming, it¡¯s pretty tiring.¡± She nods and starts idly picking up my dirty laundry from the floor.

    ¡°You really should tidy this room. There is no way I¡¯m letting you have friends around with it in this state.¡± Who¡¯s she kidding? I never have friends around and the only friend I would invite owns a games console so why would she want to come to my boring house. I don¡¯t even have a TV in my bedroom!

    ¡°Yes, mum.¡± I say in a tired voice, come on get the hint and bugger off so I can sleep, please?

    ¡°Your sister asked me if you would be allowed to join her for movie night.¡± What? That gets my attention and I sit up on the bed. ¡°They are watching a fairly adult film so I¡¯m not sure I should let you.¡± Okay, I wasn¡¯t hugely interested in the boring old films, but if there is one way to make me want to do something it¡¯s to tell me I might not be allowed to. Damn, is she actually using reverse fucking psychology on me or is she actually reluctant to let me watch it? ¡°It has sexual themes that I¡¯m not sure you will be ready for.¡±

    ¡°Oh god! Not another ¡®Talk¡¯ please, was the golden showers one not enough for one week?¡± I plead, actually holding my hands clasped in front of me.

    ¡°That depends, are you okay with the subjects of homosexuality and transgender?¡± I actually laugh out loud and her eyebrows raise.

    ¡°If that¡¯s all then sure, come on mom, get with the times!¡± Please, just leave it at that, my poor psyche can''t handle you explaining lesbianism to me!

    ¡°Hmm...¡± she eyes me suspiciously for a moment. ¡°Okay, but if there are things you need explained, come and ask me. Okay?¡±

    Yeah right! ¡°Sure, no problem.¡± I manage to say with a straight face.

    She is about to leave, having tidied my bedroom more than I have in the last month but I remember something. ¡°Hey, mum?¡± She turns to me in the doorway, ¡°Can you please add Charlotte to my friends list? She¡¯s getting a new prosthetic tomorrow and I think she might like to talk.¡±

    Mum smiles and looks around my room for my tablet, I pull it from under my pillow and hand it to her, ¡°That''s sweet of you. Do you know her email address?¡± Charlotte had written it down for me so I just handed mum the paper. She hands me back the tablet and says good night.

    As I put the tablet back under my pillow I shake my head. Hell¡­movie night? I honestly didn¡¯t see that coming, I¡¯m normally a pariah when Anne has her gatherings.

    I had thought that being included in Anne''s social life was what I wanted, now that it has happened though I find myself getting nervous, there''s a knot in my stomach and suddenly I can''t sleep. I''m still really tired but I can''t seem to switch off, I don''t know most of Anne''s friends, what if they don''t like me? What if I make a fool of myself. I keep going through scenarios and possible conversations in my head, god I''m pathetic.

    Its midnight before I drift off. My dreams are just a replay of my thoughts, just more real and way more scary.

    <hr>

    Okay, Anne¡¯s just gone and picked up her girlfriend from her house and mum actually instructed them to go upstairs to her bedroom. I just know what they''re going to be up to. I should wait patiently for as long as I dare then creep up and surprise them¡­ nope can''t wait. Apparently I don''t have patience! Not a Kelly trait.

    I open the bedroom door and pounce, yep, Abby is on top and making kissy noises, "I knew it! When I heard mum say that I thought ''they''re off to snog!'' and you were too! Man, you''re so lucky." I hop up on the bed, "don''t let me stop you, carry on!" The look on their faces is priceless.

    "Kelly, we''re not kissing with you here." Not that I expected them to, or even wanted them to, I''m just messing with them. "Anyway, we were just messing around, we weren''t kissing, not really." Yeah, yet!

    "Not yet." Abby echoed my judgement.

    "Jeez Anne, you''re so lucky, you find out you like girls and two days later you''re dating your best friend. How can''t I have a best friend who''s into girls!" I suddenly see the confusion on her face, oh shit.

    "What?" Abby asks, her head flicking between me and my sister. No way. No absolute way she didn¡¯t tell her. Holy crap, I think my respect for my sister just went up about 12 notches!

    "Oh wow, you didn''t tell her? Damn I feel dumb now, I felt for sure she would tell her best friend."

    "I think Anne wanted to let you tell me Kelly, so, how about you start from the top?" Abby is obviously getting queues from Anne, some kind of friend telepathy.

    I move to face Abby, intentionally excluding Anne from the conversation with my body. Now, how to swing this one. Glib, I think, yep make light of it. "So, it began with my nosy sister reading my diary." I look to see how this goes over with Anne, wow, I think she actually feels bad for reading my diary, I narrow my eyes, it''s totally not going to stop me searching your room. "It turns out me admitting I like girls made her jealous and she decided to be cool like me." I have a little think, but I¡¯m pretty sure that''s enough to say without incriminating myself. "That''s pretty much it. There was stuff about us both being perverts and stuff but, yeah, that''s mainly it."

    Abby then suggests I talk to their ¡®Wank advisor¡¯ who I understand is this lesbian they talked to. She gets a huge wallop for that one, for once Anne actually didn''t pull her punches!

    <hr>

    Okay, nobody told me there would be a real life out and proud lesbian coming tonight. She''s pretty cool too, all laid back and casual, mum is getting on really well with her, though I''m sure I caught dad giving her the stink eye. I wonder why.

    I have to admit, I actually really like Anne''s friends, they''re all nice to me and really funny. I wonder if Anne gave them the hard word ''be nice to my sister or else'' I wouldn''t put it past her. Thinking back to the other movie nights I guess perhaps I just didn''t socialise enough for them to be nice. Anne usually steers me clear of them and mum is happy for me to stay away. I''m pretty sure I embarrass them both.

    I''m sure I''m being too quiet but I can''t seem to find anything interesting enough to say. I don''t know what they all like or what hobbies they have, I only really know a couple of their names.

    Anne''s new friend saunters up to me, "Pretty intimidating eh?" She doesn''t look intimidated.

    "Erm, yeah. I don''t normally hang out with Anne''s friends."

    She nods, "Me too, if Anne hadn''t talked to me first there''s no way I would have talked to them. They''re the cool popular kids, I''m the weird loner."

    I frown, "Really? ''Cos you seem far cooler than them to me! You project this... confidence."

    She smiles and raises her glass to me. "Thanks. Fake it till you make it." She looks left and right then leans in and whispers, "I am absolutely bricking it. This is my first big girls sleepover thing ever!"

    I smile and whisper back, "Mine too. Here''s to losing our sleepover virginity together."

    We chink glasses and she sniggers. "I just hope it doesn''t hurt!"

    We are distracted by Heather coming around with a pizza, Anne proudly announces she made the pizza dough.

    "Wow, this pizza is magnificent!" The lesbian girl says, I feel really bad, I can''t even remember her name.

    "Em, I''m Kelly by the way." I say, offering my hand to shake.

    "Oh, sorry, I''m Jo." She replies, juggling her plate and glass before wiping her hand on her jeans and then shaking my hand with an amazingly firm grip.

    At first I thought Jo was a swimmer, she has the shoulders for it but she tells me she runs and lifts weights. That is pretty cool, I''ve never met a girl weightlifter before.

    "I could probably bench press you!" She tells me when I ask how heavy the things she lifts are. I''m not sure I believe her but that''s like hulk level awesome.

    Dad''s pizzas are great, as per usual, except the yucky prawn one. Even seeing them on the pizza gives me the shivers, yucky sea crickets. I''m pretty sure Anne''s friends only eat it to squick me out.

    After the pizza is done one of the girls connects her phone to the Bluetooth on dad''s stereo and they all start singing and dancing to some pop song I''ve never heard. See mum, this is why listening to the same music as your peers is important. That said, it is really shit. I get up and join the dancing though and the Asian girl, Mae I think her name is, takes pity on me and shows me some weird sirroc dancing, it involves lots of hand holding and spinning but really doesn''t seem to go with the music. She tells me between songs that her parents met at dance classes so they dance with her at home all the time.

    "That was so much fun!" She tells me when we finally move upstairs. I''m not quite so sure but I nod enthusiastically just to be nice. I nip into my room to change into my pyjamas, suddenly all my nightwear looks old and ratty or like a five year old bought it. I''m standing naked for way too long peering into my drawer, to heck it, own the little kid vibe! I pull out my unicorn onesie and pull it on, pulling the hood up too. Oh geez I look dumb. I take that off and pull on a nightie. Nope, it''s faded and worn and makes me look like a crazy person. No way I''m wearing the Frozen pyjamas. Nothing for it, I''m pretty sure I heard Anne talking upstairs.

    I sneak out into the hall and across to her room. A quick rummage in her drawer and I find a tasteful set with blue bottoms and a grey long sleeved t-shirt with a low curved neckline. I crack the door and check nobody is looking before running to my room. I stand on some Lego on the way in and oh my god it hurts, there are tears in my eyes and I want to scream and shout but I bite my tongue and try to harden up. Hopping on one leg I pull on the pyjamas and then sit at my desk to massage my sore foot.

    Right, time for action... I try to make myself move, somehow that knot is back and I don''t go anywhere. I sit by my desk, contemplating just going to bed. No. You''ve met them Kelly, the hard part is done, this is just sitting and watching a movie. Easy. I pull myself to my feet and briefly wonder why my heart is beating so fast but before I can change my mind I hurry out and up the ladder to the loft.

    The girls are all up in the cinema room by the time I pop my head in, I force myself to be confident. "So, truth or dare, spin the bottle or sexy pillow fights first?" That seems to have broken the ice, I duck as what seems like at least a dozen pillows sail directly towards my head. Anne is glaring at me but isn''t saying anything, she obviously recognises the pyjamas. Well, it''s easier to ask forgiveness than permission. I think someone famous said that, Gandi or someone.

    Anne is putting on the DVD and I snag a drink and popcorn, I actually hate popcorn, I think it tastes like burnt cardboard but when in Rome. Holy crap! It''s a proper adult themed movie, I thought Mum was just being Mum but Rocky Horror? Hell yes!

    OMG it is so funny! Even better, because of dad and his golden oldies I know almost all the songs. We''re all dancing and singing along, if all her movie nights are like this I want in! I notice her and Abby snuggling, I''m pretty sure everyone else does too. That''s fine, she''s totally going to be outed before long, which suits me fine.

    The movie ends way too early, I would have loved just to play it again but Anne puts on Time Bandits. I love the movie but I''m pretty sure you wouldn''t be allowed to make it nowadays, damn, suddenly I can''t recall if they like being called midgets, dwarfs or little people now. For some reason that bothers me and I''m totally distracted from the movie. I start watching people, they all seem enthralled in the movie but Anne and Abby keep sneaking glances at each other. Heather has this thing about constantly twirling her curls around her fingers and then sucking the ends during exciting bits. Mae is chest down on the beanbag and kicking her legs, occasionally I see all her toes curl and then do this weird splaying motion where she wiggles her big and small toes.

    Susan and Jo are both boring, they just sit and drink coke, occasionally sharing a smile at the funny bits. They do look cool, that''s how I want to look. Jenny looks almost asleep, she''s snuggled into her sleeping bag and is on her side hugging the beanbag.

    I managed at some point to return my attention to the movie and I enjoy it, even if it is a little well worn by now. There was a time when I watched it over and over, so often that my parents would hide the DVD.

    The girls are suitably shocked at the ending when Kevin''s parents explode. It was funny watching their reactions. I''m pretty sure Jenny was actually asleep because she only acted shocked after a fairly long delay!

    What? Hold on, did I hear that right? I think I just got invited to the next movie night! She certainly seems to be asking me to put a movie title in the bag. Holy crap. Shit, my mind has gone blank too. I take the pen and paper as it is passed to me, Susan is having a tirade about her film never being picked. Damnit, the only old films I can think of are kids ones or the previous ones from movie night. I almost write Debbie does Dallas as I know where dad has that gem stashed but I doubt we would get permission to show it and I know from experience that you would hear the soundtrack pretty well downstairs!

    Anne is looking at me expectantly now. Damnit, I''ll just write Suzan''s option down and that will be fine.

    There is a pretty awful drumroll and out comes¡­ my piece of paper! Damn, I can see the handwriting and it is definitely mine! I just hope this Bowie film is good. Susan is stoked which I guess is a bonus.

    Anne plays the adult and makes us all get ready for bed, at least she doesn''t kick me out, I really hadn''t expected to have this much fun. After I brush my teeth I come back to find Jo tuning dad''s old guitar, I can''t even remember the last time he played it.

    ¡°There¡¯s a stool in the cupboard over here, dad says it''s easier to play if you sit up right.¡± I hand her the little three legged stool and she sits down and plays. Holy crap she is awesome, I didn''t know that guitar could sound like that. I sit, mesmerised watching her fingers on the strings. She finishes whatever song she was playing as Susan comes in.

    ¡°How long have you been playing? That was so amazing!¡± I ask her.

    ¡°Oh, since I was little. Apparently I wanted a guitar for my sixth birthday so my dad got me a little travel guitar second hand and one of his friends from work came around once a week for a beer with Dad and showed me how to play chords.¡± She did a little rift on the guitar, ¡°Every time he sees me he tells me how I played better than him by my seventh birthday. It''s rubbish of course, he plays really well!¡±

    It sounded like a really happy memory, I kind of wish I could play an instrument. She launches into another song and this time I know it, it''s one of the songs I like from dad¡¯s playlists, Lake of Fire, it has this cool bend and fast high pitched bit that look and sound amazingly hard to play. She is singing softly and I so want her to belt it out like Kurt Cobain does.

    She sings another song, this time something I don¡¯t know but it sounds like dad would love it. It''s sad and slow, she said it was Hallelujah but it''s certainly not the version I know. Once that is finished she offers the guitar around but nobody else plays.

    Not wanting the music to end I find myself suggesting I could sing, god where did that come from? Oh well, Anne tells me not to sing too loud, apparently it''s after midnight! I start singing ¡®I Wish I was a Punk Rocker¡¯, I think i''m getting most of the words right, Jo comes in after the first verse with a palm muted chinking on the strings, holding the beat for me, it¡¯s actually quite fun, the girls look like they are enjoying it. After a few verses Jo transitions into actual chords but she also taps the guitar to make a drumming noise. She obviously knows the song because she stops playing exactly on time for the last line, just like in the real thing. I¡¯m pretty sure people loved it, though that could have been Jo¡¯s guitar.

    There is talk of singstar next weekend at Jenny¡¯s, I''m pretty sure I''m not invited. I mean, why would she, I¡¯m not her friend, it would be nice though.

    <hr>

    I wake the next morning to find it''s just me, Abby and Jo left in the room. It''s obvious from the quiet conversation in the corner that they are waiting for me to wake up. I pull myself out of my sleeping bag and rub my bleary eyes. ¡°Sup?¡± I ask in my most intelligible and comprehensible yawn speak.

    Abby laughs and calls me over. ¡°I thought you may like a private conversation with our tame lesbian over here.¡±

    Just then Anne pops her head up through the hatch. Holy shit she scared me! "Heavy conversation?" She asked, "breakfast is on, bacon rolls or muesli are the only options."

    "Just introducing Kelly to your masturbation guru." Jo seemed quite amused at the title.

    "Great, well, come down when you''re ready." She said, not rising to the bait.

    "I''m starting to wonder whether every girls she knows is either a lesbian or bi-sexual." Jo said under her breath.

    The narrative has been stolen; if detected on Amazon, report the infringement.

    "Really?" Abby asked, there must be more to this, I find myself wondering if the girls were flirting with Jo, or perhaps even each other, for her to say that.

    Jo quickly ran through her personal history, it turns out she was no more knowledgeable than me, just a little bit more experienced. It did amaze me when she admitted that she was still a virgin, firstly holy crud that''s private, secondly holy crap why wouldn''t every girl in school be throwing themselves at her? She¡¯s hot, nice, and talented. Shit¡­ what chance have I got...

    She did suggest coming out to my parents might be easier and less drama than coming out at school. It did make me wonder, admitting it to Anne had actually been a big relief, I now had someone to talk to. Hell, now I had three people to talk to, thinking about it I realise that I am happier than I have been for a very long time.

    We are about to head for breakfast when I have an idea, "What about internet dating?" I asked, thinking at least I could come out in an anonymous forum and talk to girls my own age about my feelings.

    "Oh hell no, apparently almost all teenage lesbians online are actually middle aged men!" Jo responded and suddenly I cringed, shivers running down my spine, of course, the same anonymity I wanted worked the other way! Yeah, big nope on that idea!

    <hr>

    I had been talking to Charlotte on social media right up until I joined the party last night. She was absolutely stoked with her new limb, she had been partly excited and partly nervous all morning up until the appointment but that had entirely turned into euphoria the moment she found she could do standing jumps and the leg cushioned the landing. She had spent the afternoon walking and running up and down a sports hall with a physiotherapist watching her. It was a big change but way easier than she had expected.

    She invited me over to play this morning, I had not been on a ¡®playdate¡¯ for ages and really didn''t want to call it that. I asked her if we could clarify, play¡­ tennis? She laughed, or rather lol¡¯d at me and said sure, tennis.

    When I asked my parents if I could go they were happy to ferry me around, the school has a tennis court that we are allowed to use after hours if we have our own rackets and balls so mum dropped me with my two rackets in front of the school, I promised to call her to collect me from Charlotte''s house later.

    I was early so I did some warmup exercises on the court, stretching and shuttle runs. I¡¯ve been told stretching doesn¡¯t matter but I needed to pass the time anyway. I was just starting to build up a sweat when Charlotte arrived. She was wearing a pair of really short shorts and a stripy t-shirt and was limping a bit, she obviously wasn''t anywhere near as comfortable on this new leg.

    I gave her a hug when she came into the high fenced tennis court, ¡°Hey, it looks so cool!¡± I say, mainly to make her comfortable. The blade is cool but it''s also weird seeing her with the spring-like limb protruding out the back of her calf.

    ¡°I¡¯m not sure I will use it as my daily driver.¡± She tells me, ¡°The physio tells me it won''t be as comfortable walking because it''s a little too long. Apparently it needs to be longer so it feels okay when it compresses whenever I run but that makes it awkward to walk in, like wearing too big shoes.¡±

    ¡°Oh, well, that''s okay. It still means you can do sports though.¡± I rationalise, trying to cheer her up. She doesn''t seem quite as excited as yesterday, she''s a little sluggish. ¡°Hey, does that mean you aren''t going to get a cute haircut?¡± I¡¯m pretty sure I nailed the reason she¡¯s on a downer.

    ¡°Yeah, probably not. Mum likes my hair long.¡±

    ¡°Aw, that''s not fair! Want me to have words with her?¡± I joke, she doesn''t reply. ¡°Anyway, shall we hit some balls around?¡±

    ¡°Yeah, take it real easy at first, there''s a lot of sideways movements and stuff that I''m not super used to yet.¡± She says, bouncing on the balls of her feet.

    I jog back to the other side of the net and then hand her a racquet. I give her the good one because I''m nice like that. ¡°Okay, are you ready?¡± I knock a ball gently over the net, trying to get it right beside her. She hits it back easily and I have to move to return it. We do an easy volley for a fairly long time, neither of us missing but we are also not hitting the ball hard.

    ¡°I think we can go a little faster, perhaps just cross court stuff just now.¡± she says eventually.

    I start to aim the ball further away from her and she does the same for me, it''s not high intensity but wow it''s starting to tire me out. Just as I¡¯m thinking that she stumbles and falls over, ¡°I¡¯m okay, I just caught an edge weird.¡± She tells me quickly.

    We get back to the game and she starts to hit the ball harder so I reciprocate. She wins the rally and tells me she is ready to start a proper game.

    ¡°If you''re sure.¡± I say, still intending on talking it a little easy on her.

    She wins the serve, and then the first two points. By this time I am not going easy on her. I win the serve back with a magnificent shot to the back corner but then have to duck as her return from my serve almost takes my head off.

    ¡°I thought you hadn''t played this before?¡± I ask her, panting for breath.

    ¡°No, I never said that. I just couldn''t get the sharp changes of direction before.¡± She looks far less puffed than I am!

    She serves again after I retrieve the ball, her shots are really powerful, I manage to spike the ball over the net though and she dives for the high ball. ¡®CRACK¡¯ the noise echoes through the court and Charlotte goes down in a sprawl of limbs.

    I run to her, vaulting the net in the process. ¡°Are you okay?¡± She gets to her knees and I can see tears in her eyes.

    ¡°It broke.¡± She gives a sob, ¡°It''s not meant to break.¡± I grab her in a hug and hold her.

    ¡°It¡¯s okay, don''t worry, I¡¯ll help you home.¡± I rub circles on her back and she squeezes me tight.

    ¡°Mum¡¯s going to kill me, it was so expensive.¡± I can feel the tears soaking into my shirt. ¡°It was meant to last me years.¡±

    ¡°It''s okay, really Charlotte. You weren''t doing anything with it you weren¡¯t meant to, it''s a manufacturing flaw.¡± She sniffs, trying to get the tears to stop. I murmur platitudes as she clings to me.

    ¡°I¡¯m sorry,¡± she says at last, breaking the hug and wiping her eyes, ¡°It''s just, this leg was such a big thing. Mum didn''t want to get it until I was almost finished growing and¡­¡± She sniffs again, tears running down her cheeks. ¡°I thought it was going to be so great but it''s so different and I don''t like walking in it and now i''ve broken it. Mum¡¯s going to think I did it on purpose because I wasn''t happy.¡±

    I rub her arm and shake my head, ¡°You mum will be fine, I¡¯m coming with you and I will tell her what happened. There¡¯s no way she can think you broke it on purpose.¡±

    She sniffs and dries her eyes, then she shifts to sitting on her bum so that she can look at the broken leg. It is cracked diagonally across the middle, the layers seem to have separated and the front layer has bowed in and broken.

    ¡°The back is still intact, you might be able to walk on it if you put less weight on it.¡± I suggest. She is stroking it like a puppy, tears still leaking slowly from her eyes.

    ¡°I hope they can fix it.¡± She says, her face all scrunched up as if she¡¯s about to sob again.

    ¡°I think they will probably replace it, Charlotte, I don''t think that''s repairable.¡± She nods and gives a huge sigh.

    ¡°Help me up?¡± She asks, offering me both the hands. I grip them firmly and bodily pull her up, she puts weight on the leg and it bends drastically. I help her over to the post that holds up the net.

    ¡°Wait here and I will go pick up the gear.¡± I tell her and I go to collect the racquets and balls which are scattered around the court. When I return she seems to have got the tears under control. ¡°Are you ready to go?¡± I ask, the two rackets and the balls are in bags which I have slung over my shoulder. I offer her an arm.

    ¡°Yeah, let''s go face the music.¡± she says sadly.

    I notice that her hand which isn¡¯t holding on to me is covered in blood, ¡°Charlotte, you''re bleeding!¡± I point to her hand.

    ¡°Oh, so I am.¡± she looks in wonder at her hand, ¡°It''s not too bad, just skinned.¡± then she looks at me, ¡°Oh, shit, I got it all over your shirt.¡±

    ¡°It doesn¡¯t matter, as long as you¡¯re okay. How far is your house?¡± I ask as we hobble through the gate in the fence.

    ¡°About two blocks away.¡± she steers us in the opposite direction to Becky¡¯s house so they probably live about four blocks from each other. Walking distance. I feel a little jealous.

    I briefly wonder where Mae lives, she told me yesterday that she goes to my school so she¡¯s probably close by. I haven''t noticed her at school yet but then there are a huge number of people milling about.

    It takes ages, helping Charlotte hop to her house. I did suggest I give her a piggyback but she wasn''t keen, I think she wanted to delay talking to her mum.

    When we finally arrive at the house I am dismayed to find I am actually a racist prick! Two small kids race out to greet us and I am surprised that Charlotte''s brothers are black. I know from meeting her at the pool that her mum is white but these kids are blacker than the ace of spades. Way darker skin than I would expect even if her dad, or more likely stepdad, were dark skinned.

    Obviously seeing my confusion Charlotte says, ¡°Dad and his previous wife were originally from Sudan. She died when Abdo was born.¡± Oh! That makes sense! She laughs at the look on my face.

    ¡°Mum met him shortly after that so Abdo and Talia have lived here since they were little. It''s been about three years now¡± The kids race off to get their mum.

    ¡°So, you''re okay with him, I mean you call him your dad?¡± I ask, probably being insensitive but three years seems pretty short to me.

    ¡°Well, I never had a dad. He left just after I was born, apparently me being born with one leg was too difficult for him.¡± She said the last part with a fair amount of venom. I see her point, if it''s hard for him to have a kid with one leg, how hard is it for the kid? ¡°Nasif is really nice, he¡¯s been really good for mum.¡±

    ¡°So you were born with one leg?¡± I ask, seeing this as my best chance to ask without seeming rude.

    ¡°Yeah, congenital limb defect.¡± I realise we have stopped outside the house, I think she is probably stalling.

    ¡°Shall we go in?¡± I suggest, giving her a quick squeeze with the arm I have around her waist, trying not to dwell on the fact I am basically hugging her. She nods and we resume our hobble into the house.

    ¡°Mum!¡± She calls, getting a response that her mum is in the kitchen.

    We navigate the narrow hallway, the house is really neat and tastefully decorated with light colours and dark wood, there are some interesting african carved sculptures scattered about and some colourful paintings which I can see through the door to the living room.

    Charlotte''s mum is standing doing the dishes when we walk in. ¡°Hi Mrs Patterson, Charlotte had a bit of a fall when we were playing tennis.¡± I say, seeing Charlotte''s reluctance to tell her mum. ¡°Her new leg broke.¡± I could see tension in the woman¡¯s shoulders as she grabbed a towel to dry her hands. ¡°I think it must be a manufacturing fault, she wasn''t doing anything really strenuous with it.¡±

    ¡°Okay, are you hurt?¡± She asks, turning around at last. Charlotte holds up her hand, showing the gravel rash that had caused all the bleeding. ¡°I¡¯ll get your other leg and you can run it under a cold tap.¡± She said after taking a quick look. There is a tension in the interaction and I can''t decide whether it is caused by Charlotte''s nerves and fear bleeding off into my view of the conversation or whether her mum is being a bit cold.

    I help Charlotte sit down at the kitchen table and her mum returns with her old leg and a first aid kit. After changing legs she gets up and washes her hand, ¡°Make sure there aren¡¯t any stones left in there, you don''t want it getting infected.¡± her mum said as she examined the bow like appendage. ¡°So you were just playing tennis?¡± she asks me.

    ¡°Yeah, we had just warmed up and had just started playing for points. Charlotte was getting really good on her new leg.¡± I explained, trying not to be too defensive.

    ¡°Hmm, we¡¯ll call the prosthetics centre after we get you cleaned up Charlotte. See what they have to say.¡± Charlotte nodded at the sink and somehow I could tell she was crying again.

    I went over to check on her and I could see the tears, ¡°It''s okay, I¡¯m sure they will make you a new one.¡± I say, giving her another one armed hug whilst also looking at her palm.

    ¡°Oh, Kelly, you have blood all down your back!¡± Charlotte''s mum exclaimed. ¡°Let me get you a clean t-shirt.¡± she bustles off, presumably to Charlotte''s room.

    Charlotte turns to me and hugs me properly, ¡°Thank you for being here.¡± She says, hugging me tight. ¡°This would have sucked if it happened next week playing football with the boys! I would have been so embarrassed.¡±

    Mrs Patterson returns with a fresh t-shirt for me and I peel the old one off, it''s a bit wet from Charlotte''s hands now too. Pulling on the clean white tee I breath in the scent of their washing powder, it smells nice. The shirt has a big red ¡®Levis¡¯ logo on the front and fits me quite well. I wonder briefly whether Charlotte¡¯s eyes had lingered on my bare skin before telling myself to stop dreaming, the likelihood of my new friend being both gay and attracted to me are very slim.

    Her mum sprays her hand with antiseptic and then once she has waved that dry applies some of that spray on bandage, by the looks of Charlotte dancing around and waving her hand it must have stung!

    ¡°Okay, I¡¯m going to call the leg people, why don''t you two go upstairs and play quietly?¡± Charlotte looks at me with an embarrassed smile and leads me to her bedroom. I¡¯m glad to see it''s almost as messy as mine. She quickly picks up some dirty laundry and throws it in a basket in the corner.

    ¡°Sorry about the mess.¡± She says, sitting down on the bed, I am again amazed at how natural she looks with her old leg, none of her movements seem awkward or favour her good leg.

    ¡°Hey, it''s tidier than mine.¡± I assure her.

    ¡°I¡¯m sorry I ruined the day.¡± She tells me, ¡°And I¡¯m really sorry I broke down and cried like that. You won''t tell anyone will you?¡±

    ¡°I will take it to my grave!¡± I assure her, looking around at her room. She has a Rammstein poster on one wall and it confuses me. I had thought they were pretty fascist but this is a black girl in golden armour.

    ¡°Should I put some music on?¡± She asks, seeing my interest in the poster, ¡°It has to be quiet because we are being good little girls and playing quietly.¡± She said in a sarcastic tone.

    ¡°Sure.¡± I agree and she fiddles with her stereo. After a few seconds the unmistakable sound of Howl coming from the speakers, holy hand grenades, she actually listened to them!

    ¡°So, did you like them?¡± I ask, a little concerned she may only be playing them for my benefit.

    ¡°They are a little¡­ tame. A bit more Marlyn Manson than Rob Zombie. Not bad though.¡±

    I nod, now I know more about what she¡¯s looking for, ¡°You might prefer Drowning Pool then. Hey, have you seen the Johnny Cash and Marlyn Manson mashup of God¡¯s Gonna Cut You Down on YouTube?¡±

    ¡°No, hold on, I''ll get out my laptop.¡± She gets down on her stomach and rummages under her bed. I have to wonder how it got so buried because she pulls out a heap of rubbish before she finds it.

    ¡°It''s a bit slow but it can run youtube.¡± She powers the thing on and I realise it is one of the old chromebooks we had in primary school. She''s right, it takes its sweet time booting up but once it''s running the internet seems to go okay.

    We find the mashup I was talking about and she does like it, not what she normally listens to but she agrees it''s cool. I probably like it because it combines both eras of music that I listen to, a bit like the Disturbed cover of Sound of Silence.

    We listen to a bit of Drowning Pool, she likes them but doesn''t love them, I try her on Ministry, that seems to go down well but then the playlist automatically goes on to Revco singing I''m not gay.

    My heart falls and I quickly move it to Slick Idiot, hoping she doesn''t notice my reaction. For some reason I really didn''t want her singing along to that song.

    Before the song gets to the good bit Mrs Patterson sticks her head around the door, she glares a little at the music playing but she isn''t here to complain about our taste, ¡°Grab your stuff girls, we are going to have to take a drive to the prosthetics centre, I can take a detour and drop you off if you like Kelly, otherwise they say it shouldn''t take long.¡±

    ¡°Okay Mum,¡± Charlotte hops to her feet and closes the Chromebook, flicking it under the bed with her toe.

    ¡°Would you mind if I came?¡± I ask Kelly, I¡¯m quite interested to see what they say, I¡¯m amped and ready to fight them if they suggest it broke due to misuse.

    ¡°No, you¡¯re welcome to come but it might be a bit boring.¡± I insist that I don''t mind and we all pile into the car. The little ones have to come too because their dad is out somewhere but Talia is happy because she gets to sit in the front so that myself and Charlotte can sit and talk. She moves her own booster seat and I jump into the middle seat. It is a little cramped with Abdo in his booster seat beside me, it is a rather small car, but as Charlotte sits on my other side, thigh pressed to mine I see that as a bonus.

    Charlotte''s mum has the same taste in music as my dad so it¡¯s golden oldies all the way to town. Charlotte sits fiddling with the broken appendage all the way. She seems pretty nervous and doesn¡¯t engage me in conversation much, no matter how hard I try. Abdo however is a little chatterbox, we have a great conversation about the aliens in Home, a movie I have not seen but by the end of the trip I doubt I need to, I know the full plot and all the characters.

    We arrive at the centre and as we get out of the car in the car park Mrs Patterson quietly thanks me for putting up her son, I¡¯m not sure why, he was very sweet.

    We descend as a pack on the limb place, the fairly empty reception is suddenly full. It feels a bit odd, every single person in the room, including the receptionist, is missing at least one limb, one old man in a wheelchair appears to only have half of one hand, his legs are missing from the waist and his other arm ends slightly below the elbow.

    He waves at me with his missing hand, obviously seeing the surprise on my face, ¡°Never get diabetes!¡± He tells me. I nod and am about to talk to him when Abdo pulls me away, ¡°Sorry!¡± I manage as I am whisked away. Abdo takes me to a kids area in the corner, they have obviously spent some time here already as he launches into an explanation of each toy, their names and how they work, piling me with fisher price. I can see his sister laughing at me from across the waiting room, the seven year old obviously enjoying not being Abdo''s playmate for once.

    I manage to get him to play with some wooden bricks, building towers is at least something I don''t find too boring. It appears that Charlotte has been taken straight in as she and her mother are nowhere to be seen. I am starting to regret not being dropped home. The man from the front desk comes to my rescue after we knock down what must have been the fiftieth tower. He turns on a little TV in the corner and puts on a Disney DVD.

    The man is missing his left hand and has an interesting mechanical replacement that he holds the remote control with, seeing my interest he lifts his hand and says, "Lost it in a card game!"

    I smile and say, "I was more wondering how it works?" I ask him and he sits down with me and removes his hand.

    "It has sensors here which pick up electrical impulses in the muscle, then it just drives the fingers; it has a few different modes to determine how the hand closes that I chose with this button. There are better ones now but this is about three times cheaper than any other model and I find it does what I need." He hands me the arm which surprises me, the inside is a kind of smooth rubber and I can see a shiny cluster of what must be the electrodes on the bottom side.

    "Wow, it''s heavier than I expected." I tell him, the arm looks a lot like a gauntlet or the arm from an iron man suit. "Do they make these here?" I ask him, handing the arm back.

    "No, we just do the fitting. It''s pretty cool though, it lets a lot more people get into myoelectric arms." He slips the arm back on, it''s amazing how easily it is removed and put back on.

    ¡°Myoelectric?¡± It''s a word I haven''t heard before.

    It''s what they call the pickup that detects the nerve impulses.¡± He explains.

    "It must be a really rewarding job." I say, I''m sort of wondering about future careers. It seems like the sort of thing that I would like.

    "For the most part. It can be heartbreaking too at times. Children who have just had an amputation or people who still have bone cancer or diabetes and each time you see them they have more bits missing. It is rewarding though, giving people back some self reliance. It''s very cool seeing the technology getting better every year too." He glanced over my shoulder. "Oh, that was a quick visit, I think your friend is ready to go."

    Looking round I see Charlotte waving at me. "Come on Abdo, time to leave." He isn''t keen having just gotten into the movie. "I''m sure you can watch it at home."

    "No! We don''t have this one!" He gripes.

    "Well, I do so I can lend you it, we''re stopping by my house on the way anyway." That made him happy, he''s now jumping around as if I had fed him sugar! ¡°Thank you for talking to me, and for showing me your arm.¡± I say to the man, I lead Abdo to his mum who again thanks me for looking after him.

    "Perhaps you could help Charlotte babysit some evenings? I am sure she would love the company." I''m not sure I enjoyed the experience that much but then, it would allow me to hang out with my new friend more. I nod and smile noncommittally as we walk out the door, not wanting to promise anything but I keep the option open.

    "Did everything go okay?" I ask assuming it did from their general demeanor.

    "Yeah! Apparently they expect a few to fail so they aren''t charging us to replace it. We do need to reschedule the football game though, it''s going to take at least a week to manufacture a new one." Charlotte explains.

    That makes me a little sad, I had been looking forward to next weekend. "Perhaps we can go swimming on Saturday or Sunday instead?" She suggests.

    "Damn, I can''t, I''m staying at Becky''s Saturday and I have squads on Sunday. Otherwise I would have loved to. Perhaps if we invite Becky?" I don''t actually want to invite Becky, I want some nice alone time but if it''s that or nothing, I will take what I can get.

    "Yeah, that''s fine, we can go in the morning, there are always less people in then." There was a pause as she thought, "The slides open at ten though so we shouldn''t go too early, perhaps nine thirty? We can race first."

    The car ride is uneventful, Abdo is a lot quieter on the way back, I assume he''s just tired.

    They drop me off and I race upstairs, that Disney movie is on a shelf in the home cinema room upstairs so I have to pull the ladder down using the long pole. I''m trying to do this quickly but the more I hurry the more I mess things up, I miss the second rung and smash my shin into the ladder, that''s going to bruise.

    Finally upstairs I rake through the massive pile of kids films, pulling out all the little kids ones until I find the one I had promised to lend him. I open the box and it has the wrong film! Argh! I start opening every box I had pulled out, and eventually I find it.

    Looking at the mess I made I think maybe I should just lend them all the films. There''s a carrier bag in the cupboard so I just stack them all in and make my way back down.

    "Is that you home Kelly?" Mum calls from the kitchen.

    "Yeah, I''m just lending some kids films to Charlotte''s little brother." I reply, limping out on my banged leg.

    "Okay, we can talk when you''re back." Oh shit, what are we talking about now?

    I pass the bag through the window to Charlotte''s sister who instantly starts raking, the films are still probably her age group too I suppose.

    "Thanks for this Kelly, you may have trouble getting them back from him though." Charlotte''s mum tells me as I lean in through the window.

    "I doubt any of them have been watched in a couple of years. I doubt we will miss them before he gets bored of them." I suspect dad would prefer we didn''t get them back, more space for his golden oldies collection. I pull my head back and wave as they drive off.

    Oh god, now I need to face mum, it had better not be one of those talks, it sounded like her serious voice. Oh shit, perhaps she heard about my detentions! Nah. Surely not.

    I walk into the kitchen where mum is baking something, "Hey mum, sup?"

    "Hi Kelly, have a seat. You can have a drink and one of the biscuits I just took out of the oven."

    I give her a wary drawn out, "Ooookkkaaayyy." I sit anyway, I''m not turning down fresh bikkies.

    She puts cold milk and a plate with a large biscuit in front of me, obviously buttering me up, "I talked to Abbies mum." Oh shit! My heart is hammering, what about? Hold on, Abbies mum?

    "Eh?" Eloquent Kelly, "I mean pardon? Erm, what about?"

    "Anne said you wanted to go to Jenny''s party, obviously you can''t go if you are staying at Rebecca''s house." Yeah, erm, what? I don''t remember being invited. The confusion must have shown on my face because mum explains, "I didn''t want to get your hopes up before I asked, but as long as you are willing to either sleep on the floor or cram in with Abby and Anne in the double bed then you can stay there, that way you can go."

    "Erm, why?" I ask, I''m pretty bamboozled.

    "Well, the Rosenberg''s turned their spare room into an office so they don''t have a spare bed." She explains to me, getting the wrong end of the stick.

    "Oh, no I understand that, sorry. I meant why would Jenny invite me? Not that I don''t want to go, I do!" I really try to make that clear, mum seems to be smiling at me. "What?"

    "She obviously enjoyed your company Kelly, it is nice that you and your sister are getting on so well recently."

    "Yeah¡­ we found some common ground I guess?" Yeah, who would have thought my sister finding out I''m a lesbian would make her want to spend time with me? ¡°Oh! I arranged to go swimming with Becky and Charlotte on Saturday morning, do you think I could still do that?¡± Suddenly my social life got a whole lot busier!

    ¡°Well, your dad and I won''t be going out until dinner time so I am sure one of us can run you to Becky''s and back.¡± I can hear her laugh at me as I fist pump and run to the phone to tell Becky.

 04 - How can you not love shoes.

    <blockquote>

    I have managed to stay out of detention all week. I think it''s the first ¡®clean¡¯ week I have had since the start of term. I even bit my lip when the biology teacher threw me a great opener, I mean ¡®Who knows why there is a soft spot at the top of a newborn baby''s head?¡¯ it was screaming out for me to say it¡¯s the reset switch! I must be growing up.

    </blockquote>

    We haven¡¯t spent as much time with Charlotte this week, our friends have kept us busy in the breaks, we have seen her in the mornings and some lunch times, Becky really doesn''t want to lose touch with the boys. I think she was the person most upset by the postponement of the football game! She wanted us to invite all the boys to swimming on Saturday, it took me all morning to convince her not to. I¡¯m almost regretting cancelling our sleepover. I''m really conflicted, I want to spend time with Becks and Charlotte and having all day with them both would have been awesome but I am also really looking forward to singstar even though I am super nervous. I have to admit I even researched the songs and tried to learn the words for some of my favourites, along with convincing myself that my inclusion was accidental, trying on every item of clothing in my closet and rocking back and fourth in a corner thinking of all the things I might do wrong.

    Right at this moment though, my anticipation of the party is insignificant compared to that of the visit to the swimming pool which is where we are heading to now. If I am being truthful to myself I guess what I¡¯m feeling is only partly excitement, a lot of what I feel is still nerves and I don''t know why. Perhaps it¡¯s because this feels like a date, even with my third wheel nattering on about her and the boys playing their computer game beside me. Perhaps it¡¯s the thought of showering afterwards with a girl I think I really like. That may have contributed a small amount to my rocking in the corner.

    Kelly and myself are walking, the pool is about a mile from her house and I assume Charlotte may be getting a lift. My feet are pretty raw just now, I think the padding in my favourite shoes has finally worn out. I can only imagine walking long distances with a prosthetic leg. Mum¡¯s going to insist I get new shoes soon, I guess I probably need them but there is no way she will shell out for another pair of Converse again, especially if they haven''t even lasted me a year and these ones are so cool! They have that iridescent shimmer that makes them different colours from different angles, I guess they were never that comfortable but damn are they cool.

    ¡°Am I talking to myself?¡± Oops, Becky apparently noticed my lack of attention.

    ¡°Erm, no?¡± Not wonderfully convincing, let''s try again, ¡°Tom¡­ shot you?¡±

    ¡°Never mind, I guess you don''t care too much considering you don''t have any console of any kind, not even a gaming PC! Geez Kelly, are your parents just being mean to you?¡±

    ¡°I think they believe games rot your brain or stop you from exercising or something. They told me once but I kind of zoned them out.¡± Actually, I¡¯m pretty sure my dad would buy me one but other than getting to hang out online with Becky and Charlotte I can''t imagine myself playing much. Anyway, my social life and homework already takes most of my time, when would I find time for these multi-hour long gaming sessions!

    ¡°My feet hurt.¡± I say, just to change the topic.

    ¡°Yeah, you shouldn¡¯t have bought those shoes. I told you Converse shoes were shit.¡± She did tell me, repeatedly, before and after me buying them.

    ¡°Yeah, but your New Balance were even more expensive and wore out sooner and they look dumb.¡± She gave me a hurt look, ¡°Okay, maybe not dumb, just not cool.¡±

    She gives me a satisfied nod, ¡°Yeah and I actually ran in them, they did more miles than yours in way less time. Even new I can¡¯t imagine you would have run the length of the school hall in yours.¡± She¡¯s right, you see people on the adverts for these shoes playing basketball, I¡¯m pretty sure it would be more comfortable barefoot.

    ¡°Yeah, perhaps mum will get me some Doc Martens next time. Those are at least comfy.¡± A girl can dream, I¡¯ve had my eye on the black and white splatter pattern Docs for ages but they are super expensive.

    Charlotte is waiting for us at the pool, ¡°Did your mum drop you off?¡± I ask, looking around for the car.

    ¡°Nah, I walked here. I wish I¡¯d known you two were walking, I could have joined you.¡± She is so full of energy, she is literally bouncing. Well, there goes my preconception, I feel a bit of a douche just having assumed.

    ¡°Cool, let''s swim, then I can take these shoes off!¡±

    She looks down at my feet, ¡°Ooo, pretty!¡±

    ¡°Pretty but stuffed and giving me blisters.¡± Damn, stop complaining, be positive Kelly! I smile and hook my arm through hers, ¡°When do they turn the wave pool on? I love that thing!¡±

    We get changed and into the pool super quick, we just stuff our bags into the cubby holes under the bench beside the pool, it''s not like any of us have something to steal. It does seem surreal that Charlotte doesn''t even take off her shoe and sock before taking off her leg and stuffing it alongside her bag, I guess it saves time tying the shoelace!

    ¡°Okay, a few laps to warm up then single length races?¡± Charlotte asks. We agree and slip into the icy water. I''m pretty sure someone forgot to turn the heater on this morning! I do a length on my back to start, a nice relaxed lazy warm up, then I do a length of breaststroke underwater. I love how it feels when you surface right at the other end of the pool with a huge intake of breath and the old people on either side look amazed that you can hold your breath that long. In fact I like it so much I do another length underwater with just the butterfly kick. It would be so much easier if I could use fins, I did this wearing really long fins in the olympic pool once and it felt like I was flying through the water.

    When I get to the other end the others are waiting for me, I guess that wasn''t the fastest stroke!

    ¡°Are you ready slowpoke?¡± Becky asks, I¡¯m really not after two quick underwater laps but I nod and pant as she counts us down. The other two beat me hands down, which doesn''t surprise me as I hadn¡¯t caught my breath. This time they give me some time to recover before we do a length of backstroke. I lose that one too, mainly because I was trying too hard and collided with the lane divider. I stubbed my finger too. Becks actually won, which I am fairly glad of, it would suck if she couldn''t keep up. We do what seems like another twenty races before we are tired, our swim coach would be proud of us.

    ¡°We still have about fifteen minutes until the waves and slides start. Shall we try to sneak into the hot-tub?¡± Charlotte suggests.

    ¡°Hell yes! We should just tell them were old enough! What are they going to do, take our ID?¡± You have to be sixteen and over but I¡¯m pretty sure they don''t care. Also, who says we¡¯re not, people keep telling me in twelve going on twenty!

    When we get there it''s empty so we slip in, holy crap it''s hot! I swear it''s hotter than I have my baths, I¡¯m having to ease myself in.

    ¡°Oh lordy!¡± Becky exclaims, she is struggling just as much as me. Charlotte however is already in and sitting down, watching us with an amused smile.

    I finally get my chest under and sit beside Charlotte, I have a jet right on my back and it feels good. I wish I could have one of these at home! The girls laugh at my moan of pleasure.

    ¡°You know, people never complain when I come into the Jacuzzi, I think they look at my leg and think ¡®Shit I can''t tell off a cripple!¡¯.¡± I have an involuntary intake of breath, somehow I am shocked at the C word! Charlotte smiles at me, I hope she thinks I was taking it.

    ¡°Got to have some benefits eh?¡± Becky says, ¡°Even if they are tiny.¡± I¡¯m still a little mortified but Charlotte just laughs.

    ¡°That and having somewhere to stash booze at concerts seem to be the only ones!¡± She agrees. "Perhaps better parking spots once I learn to drive."

    ¡°Oh come on, how much booze could you fit in there?¡± I ask her, thinking of the leg I had seen her remove I could swear it only had space for her leg.

    ¡°If you pull out the flexible socket my one is hollow down to the ankle, plenty of room for a flask of some kind!¡± She says with an eyebrow wiggle.

    When the siren sounded announcing the wave pool was on I really didn''t want to move. Becky however jumped right out of the pool so I guess I have to follow her. I share an apologetic glance with Charlotte and pull myself to my feet.

    Oh my god! The pool felt cold the first time I got in but now! I¡¯m glad I jumped in, if I had walked from the kiddy pool I would probably have stopped when the water got to my knees.

    ¡°Cold eh?¡± Becky asks, riding the wave up and down. She looks pleased with herself. Charlotte arrives in the pool beside me with a splash and she surfaces with a sharp shocked breath.

    ¡°Whoooeee that''s cold!¡± she says before disappearing below the waves. I look around and can''t see her so I take a huge breath and submerge myself. She is already across the other side of the pool so I chase her, the feeling of the swell is odd and there are weird riptides which throw me off course, Charlotte has surfaced and doesn''t seem to see me so I grab her waist as I surface, it has the desired effect and I laugh at her squeal. Becky however seems to have had the same idea and I almost inhale underwater as she pokes me in the ribs!

    We messed about in the waves for ages, chasing each other and holding onto the bars where the water comes out, swimming in place on the riptides, the waves stopped though and myself and Becky were racing each other to the sides. As I am getting out of the pool however, I notice that Charlotte wasn¡¯t behind us.

    ¡°Hey, Becky, I¡¯ll catch up.¡± I call as I look for Charlotte.

    I find her riding the river ride and swim hard down the blue tiled corridor to catch up, ¡°Hey, whatcha doin¡¯?¡± I ask.

    She looks up at me with a smile, ¡°I¡¯m a bit slow climbing the stairs, not good when it''s busy.¡±

    ¡°That''s easy, I¡¯ll give you a piggyback!¡± I suggest, no ulterior motive at all, no-sir-e!

    ¡°You sure? I¡¯m not light!¡± She asks, swimming towards me as the current tries to separate us.

    ¡°Yep, we can give it a try anyway. Might think twice after the first time!¡± the river shoots us out into the middle of the wave pool and we swim lazily over to the ladder. I give her a hand out of the pool and she leans on me as we walk to the stairs. Becky meets us there, she has already been down the slide once.

    ¡°You ready?¡± I ask, turning my back to Charlotte. She hops up and I head up the stairs, it is a bit harder than I expected but I manage. I try not to think too much about her pressed against my back or the feeling of my hands on her smooth legs. My heart sinks a little at that thought, damn I¡¯m a pervert.

    At the top of the stairs I let her down and we wait in line patiently. ¡°Want to go down the dark one together? Last time we were here I saw them let three people go together.¡± I suggest.

    ¡°As long as you don''t do that flipping around thing you always do.¡± Becky warns, I roll my eyes, it was only one black eye, and we were seven, she still holds it against me every time we are on the slides.

    ¡°I promise.¡± I wonder if I can convince Charlotte to go down the slide head first next time. I¡¯m pretty sure she would like it.

    It''s finally our turn and the man lets us go at the same time as long as we sit together.

    Becky goes first followed by Charlotte with me at the back holding onto her waist. The light fades as we go around the first bend, I don''t think it''s as fast with three people but we move around differently, something about the first person hitting the corners early means we spend more time up the sides of the walls. We scream as we ride the chute and I can hear other people''s screams in front and behind us. As we reach the bottom we collide with the girls that were in front and then struggle to get out before the people behind arrive. Charlotte has trouble getting up in the slippy chute and we end up bodily lifting her out and placing her upright.

    The author''s tale has been misappropriated; report any instances of this story on Amazon.

    ¡°Geez, sorry about that. I normally just bail out and stand up at the side.¡± She looks a little embarrassed, ¡°I totally forgot how to do it in the rush!¡±

    ¡°No worries. Again?¡± I ask.

    ¡°If you are sure you want to carry me up!¡± She is obviously feeling bad about being a burden.

    ¡°Hey, our coach would be all for this kind of thing, weighted steps? It''s just the kind of torture we are forced to do.¡± I¡¯m not even kidding, though perhaps not an entire person¡¯s weight. I don''t know how many times I will be able to carry her without my legs going all wobbly.

    ¡°I can take a turn too!¡± Becky insists, obviously not wanting me to have all that lovely exercise to myself! Complete FOMO!

    It turned out four times each was our limit before the burn in our thighs started to get too much, that still meant we got to ride the slides eight times.

    ¡°I¡¯m done.¡± I say, sitting at the side of the pool with my feet in the water. ¡°I don¡¯t know about you two but I don¡¯t feel like swimming anymore.¡±

    There was a general agreement, though Becky wanted to stay and watch the boys who were jumping into the deep end. I can''t see the appeal myself.

    She was overruled and we grab our gear before making an exit to the changing rooms. I¡¯m pretty sure I¡¯m both an exhibitionist and a voyeur, I just love being naked around other girls. If I ever get a spa pool of my own it is totally going to be declared a clothing-free zone!

    The showers are empty aside from us and I have my swimsuit off as soon as the shower hits me, Charlotte hops over and glances my way as she lathers her hair. I''m pretty sure she isn''t a costume off girl, pitty. I borrow some of her shampoo as I forgot to take mine out of my bag and it''s way over the other side of the room. Hers smells like apples, or at least it smells like what some chemist a hundred years ago thought apples smelled like. I''m not complaining about the smell, just that it isn''t apple.

    Becky strips but I''ve seen her so many times that the thrill is gone, I still look because the view is nice, it just fails to excite me. Again, I find myself amazed at Charlotte''s dexterity, she is showering with her eyes shut on one leg and not holding onto anything. I would have fallen over or had to put my foot down after about two seconds!

    "Your balance is amazing." I tell her, intending it as a compliment.

    "Well, I''m not out of the shower yet. The hard part is getting out when the floors are slippy." She holds the wall this time as she tilts her head back under the shower. Once her hair is clear of suds she hops off towards the changing rooms, grabbing her leg and bag on the way. She most definitely doesn''t slip so I am still super impressed.

    I hurry to finish in the shower but by the time I get to the changing rooms, Charlotte has locked herself in a cubicle. I''m a little bit disappointed but I towel myself dry alongside Becky, slipping a glance at her bum for old times sake as she dries her feet, it is a nice bum!

    I''m dressed and blow drying my hair by the time Charlotte steps out fully clothed and multi-legged. She grabs the other dryer with a nod to me. For some reason Becks never dries her hair, she puts it up in a bun and lets it dry naturally.

    "Want to come round my place after?" Becky calls over the dual drone of the driers. "We can play the PlayStation or something?"

    "Well, I am getting picked up there so I''m in." I turn to Charlotte, willing her to say yes.

    "I have to be home by lunch." She admits with a sad look.

    "Mum''s collecting me at noon so we can give you a lift home, we have an hour at least." I urge, she looks thoughtful for a few seconds before agreeing. "Yes!" I celebrate with a fist pump which raises smiles from my two friends. "Perhaps we can do something cool, I know Becky''s dad has Cards Against Humanity" That would be far more fun than the PlayStation.

    "I don''t know if he would let us, I think mum took offence to the ''Two midgets shitting in a bucket'' card last time we played." Becky says with a pout.

    "Damn! That''s like a trump card! What could she possibly take offence to?" I ask, knowing exactly the answer. Becky just looks at me, one eyebrow raised.

    "Well, I''m up for whatever." Charlotte answers and we head off, hair semi-dry.

    Again, my feet are killing me. Mum is totally going to say she told me so but I need new shoes. Arse.

    By the time we get to Becky''s I''ve taken my shoe''s off and am walking barefoot. It''s totally more comfortable, the girls are laughing at me though.

    "I''ve always thought I should just steal the shoes from outside the shoe-shop, you know how they only ever display the left shoe? I could wear people''s old right shoes and a completely odd left." Charlotte muses as she holds my shiny, beautiful, torture shoes. "I mean, it''s not like my fake leg would get blisters." We have arrived at Becky''s and she is now sitting on the doorstep comparing the size of my shoe with her prophetic foot. You know, I have a pair of plain converse boots, I could mix and match."

    I look at her, exasperated from the painful walk. "It''s yours. Do what you like, just be aware they stink."

    She takes a tentative sniff and reflexively throws the shoe halfway across the garden, I thought that might put her off.

    "Hey, dad! Mind if we play some board games?" Becky calls as we enter the house.

    Unfortunately, he vetoes Cards Against, and House on Haunted Hill. We end up playing kittens in a blender, it''s fun but mainly for the artwork. It¡¯s oddly quiet in the house, I can¡¯t understand why Becky never listens to music, she doesn''t even have a stereo in her room, the first thing I do when I get home is put music on but I have never heard anyone in this house listen to music. Are they the freaks or is it my family that is odd?

    The card game does pass the time quickly though, mum is tooting the horn outside halfway through the third game. We rush out to meet her and I find her holding my shoes.

    ¡°Care to explain why these are in the middle of the front garden?¡± she asks with a smirk, I would have thought she was mad otherwise but I suspect she wants to gloat.

    ¡°Ah, that was Charlotte, those are her shoes now. Apparently, she didn''t like the smell though.¡± I explain, throwing Charlotte under the bus. Mum peers into the shoe before holding it at arm''s length.

    ¡°Understandable, gosh Kelly, are your feet gangrenous or something? Perhaps I need to send you to a specialist.¡± Yeah, very funny. Mum puts the shoes in the boot as we climb into the car. ¡°You may need to soak those in bleach and then put them in the washing machine. Or do an exorcism and burn them.¡± She hasn''t asked why I gave away my shoes, probably because she knows. Mum always knows. ¡°I assume we are taking Charlotte home to her house?¡± Mum asks, oops.

    ¡°Erm, yeah. Sorry, I forgot to ask. It''s just around the corner.¡± I wish I could take her with me to the SingStar night but I¡¯m pretty sure there isn''t a plus one included on the invite. Also, it might be a little crowded in Abby¡¯s double bed!

    ¡°Sure, we can take her home. How was swimming?¡± Fortunately, Charlotte answers her, I am trying really hard to be communicative, I am, it''s just¡­ tedious.

    Mrs Patterson is in the garden weeding or something when we pull up, I don''t understand gardening, Patios and decks are all that should be in a garden. She introduces herself to my mum and again brings up the subject of babysitting, I¡¯m still in two minds about this.

    ¡°Are you sure you want Kelly to be in charge of young children? Are we talking about the same Kelly?¡± Mum asks incredulously.

    ¡°She was great with them last weekend. And it would only be for a two-hour movie.¡± Becky¡¯s mum must be desperate for time away!

    ¡°Well, if you¡¯re sure. Perhaps next weekend? Have you anything on Kelly?¡± Mum asks me, damn this is a bit sudden. I¡¯m not sure I even want to!

    ¡°Erm, swimming on Friday and Sunday. Otherwise, I don''t think I¡¯m doing anything on Saturday.¡± I hate being put on the spot, looks like I am babysitting though.

    ¡°Great, I can pick her up if you like.¡± The mums make plans for us whilst Charlotte slips out and grabs my old shoes from the boot. I watch them fondly as she disappears into the house with a wave. I kind of hope she does bleach them, they really did stink and they were never comfy but I¡¯m going to miss them.

    Mum waves goodbye and we are off home, ¡°So I guess we are going shoe shopping? How about shoes and then sushi? We can leave your dad and Anne to their own devices.¡±

    ¡°Am I allowed Doc Martens?¡± I ask sullenly.

    ¡°Probably not. I am guessing your feet are filthy?¡± I pull my foot up and look at the sole. It''s kind of yuck. If I was selling shoes I wouldn''t want me putting my feet in them. Mum glances over and grimaces. ¡°Yeah, you can wear my gym shoes and socks.¡± Ew! ¡°They¡¯re clean!¡± She adds after seeing my face, yeah, and two sizes too big. "That''s a huge blister." She points at my heel. It is kinda nasty, I hide my feet away before she can make any more remarks about them.

    Holy crap, she¡¯s talking me to the mall, it''s huge. I know for a fact there are at least two good shops selling Docs, I¡¯m not too sure about their sushi though.

    ¡°Wow, acres of parking and not a single free parking space! Perhaps I should just take you to the high street?¡± Mum is kidding, I know she is. Well, I¡¯m not overly sure, we seem to be heading for the car park exit.

    ¡°Ah! There we go, people always want the closest parks to the door.¡± She pulls into the car park and I breathe a sigh of relief. That is until I have to put on the girly pink boats that she wears to the gym. Ug.

    I am surprised she isn¡¯t wanting to hold my hand as we walk through the carpark, she seems to be twitching at every car that comes anywhere close to us. This is why people park close!

    ¡°Right, Shoe Zone is just up here.¡± She says as we get to the entry to the mall.

    ¡°Oh come on, they don¡¯t even sell Docs!¡± I can hear the whinge in my own voice but I can''t help it.

    ¡°Well, we can find something you might wear and then compare prices in a shop that does sell Doc Martins. How about that?¡± I sigh and trudge along in my clown shoes.

    The shop is dreary, not a single cute boot in the place, it''s all sports shoes, ugg boots and dressy night out stuff. They all look super cheap and nasty too.

    ¡°Look, here are some Doc Martens.¡± Mum says, picking up a black boot.

    ¡°Those are not Docs mum! They just look a little bit like them. They don''t even have the stitching around the sole!¡± I shake my head and walk in the other direction.

    I find a sum total of two pairs of semi-nice shoes and I swear they would fall apart in a month. They are both Doc ripoffs, a decent looking cherry red pair and a mustard yellow pair with a slightly different splayed heel. Mum comes up to me with some boring brown things with wool around the ankle.

    ¡°These are nice, and only twenty-five pounds.¡± She says waving them at me. The ones I like are both sixty so I don''t hold out much hope for me getting the ones I like.

    "Okay, I can see you don''t like them. How much are the ones you found?" She doesn''t look overly happy when I tell her, "Well, put them back and remember where they were. I will let you show me the shoes you want to buy." Woohoo! I almost skip putting the shoes back. I still doubt she will buy me the docs but at least she is going to look at them.

    I pull her enthusiastically through the mall, not letting her stop and look at the silly brick-a-brack stores she seems drawn to. We have enough of that rubbish at home, things whose entire purpose seems to be to fill horizontal space. My shop is up on the next level, I totally don''t understand these people who stand on escalators, even worse, they stand in a way that means you can''t walk past them! If you just walk up them like stairs you get there twice as fast! Perhaps I''m in a little bit of a rush?

    When we finally get to the shop there is a sale on, score! I leave mum looking at the sports shoes and delve into the back where the cool shoes live. It takes me all of thirty seconds to find my black and white splatter docs in my size.

    "Here they are." I say handing mum one of the boots.

    "These look like someone wore them whilst painting a house!" She has no taste. "How much?" She asks handing it back to me.

    "Eighty." I can see her frown, her eyes narrowing. "But they''re much better made than those ones downstairs."

    "And that''s the sale price?" She asks the frown still there.

    "Shall I put them back?" Oh god, I think I just sounded like a huffy child.

    "Tell you what. I will give you sixty. You have some money in the bank, if you want them that badly you can put your own money towards them."

    "Yes!" I may have been a bit loud and mum cringes as I hug her. I know this is meant to be one of those ''teach Kelly the value of money'' lessons but I don''t care, I got my Doc Martens! "Can I wear them now?" When she nods I quickly tear her awful pink trainers off and pull the wadding from the boots. Oh hell yeah! They possibly don''t go with the shorts but, damn they are awesome!

    Mum pays for them and I put her old shoes in the box and carry it out. "So, sushi? I don''t have to pay for that myself do I?" I ask cheekily, earning me a shoulder bump from mum.

    Sushi is way over the other side of the mall, it feels like a mile away, perhaps more! I even let mum look in some shops along the way without complaining once. Though I do have to veto her buying dad an apron for his birthday.

    There is a new sushi place, it is way better than the other one where you get six bits of the same sushi in a plastic tray. This one you can pick your own and have it on a proper porcelain plate.

    I get all the different ones with cream cheese and this vegetable fritter thing. Mum seems amused at my use of chopsticks. She is using her fingers like a heathen.

    "So, how was your swim?" She obviously wants more than ''fine''.

    I sigh and put my chopsticks down. "It was good. We raced a bit at the beginning." She asked who won. "Well, I had to let them win some of the races. They would have sulked otherwise." She ''mmhmm''s this, knowingly. "Charlotte is ungodly fast at butterfly, Becks is pretty good too so we each won a few. I still think I was the overall winner!" She smiles at that. "And then we sat in the spa pool. Oh, can we buy a spa pool?"

    "No. Not a chance." Mum says with a smile, likely amused at my pout.

    "And then we went to the wave pool, that was fun. Then we helped Charlotte up the stairs for the slides, we both have her piggybacks."

    "Did she not just wear her leg?" Mum asks.

    "I just kind of assumed the chlorine was bad for it. She doesn''t wear it in the shower either." I briefly wonder if that''s a TMI moment.

    "Did she ever tell you how she lost it?" Geez mum is nosy.

    "She said she never had one in the first place. She was born without it." Mum''s eyebrows raise and she nods thoughtfully.

    "I suppose that''s easier on a child than having one and losing it. Any word on her replacement blade yet?" We talk away for ages, eventually, she lets me finish my food though. I don''t know, she complains that I talk with my mouth full but then gets annoyed when I stop eating to talk to her!

 05 - Other peoples friends

    I can''t believe nobody has mentioned my shoes. I''m feeling a bit out of place amongst Anne''s friends and I almost wish I had just stayed over at Becky''s house. That said, Jenny''s house is awesome! They have an actual pool, with a pool house that is huge. We are the first ones here so we aren''t playing Singstar yet but Jenny has a foosball table so we are playing doubles. Jenny kicks ass at this game, a good thing she is on my team. So far we are up three games to nil and now she is playing one-handed and we are still thrashing them. Anne, Abby and Lucia have been rotating on the other team but I think it''s my turn to sit out the next game. Especially since Mae snuck in when we weren''t looking.

    I am so envious of this place, the pool is only a fifteen meter one but it''s heated and Jenny can swim before school any day she likes. She also has a humongous television in here with her PlayStation hooked up to it, that thing is almost as big as dad''s projection screen! I haven''t been in the house but who needs to, I could live here. It has a bar with a microwave and a shower room and I''m willing to bet the couch pulls out into a bed.

    Bam! That''s four for four!

    "Okay, I think we have proven that Jenny is the undefeated foosball king. Unless you want to play singles and loser stays on then I''m done." Abby declares, she is such a defeatist.

    "Sounds fine to me." Jenny says, probably just wanting to be able to thrash me too. She does but then I kick Abby''s butt. Before we can continue though, the rest of Anne''s friends arrive. Lucia meets them at their car, obviously excited to show off her friend''s house to Jo. We all follow slowly behind and meet them as they pass the pool.

    "Man, if I lived here I would swim every day. It would be so sweet." I hear Jo say enthusiastically.

    "I''ve never seen you at the pool, do you swim much?" I ask her, I would have remembered those abs if I had seen her at the pool.

    "Not for a while, no. I feel a bit uncomfortable in a swimsuit, and it''s not like I can wear trunks." Oh yeah, she likes to dress like a boy, I actually stopped noticing that at some point.

    "You could wear a swim shirt, loads of boys wear those. I''ve got one you can have if you want." It''s not like I ever wore it, mum just insisted I have one in case we went to the beach, not that she''s taken us in the last three years! "I could come with you, I love the pool." And I will take any chance to see those rock hard abs again. She''s built like some kind of Roman statue! A David without the penis.

    I almost miss her reply because I am lost in my own thoughts, "Erm, yeah, I guess I could try that. Perhaps if you come." Hell yeah, score one for team Kelly! Anne leans in and whispers something to Jo, I have no idea what she says but it causes Jo to laugh and I just know it''s at my expense. I glare daggers at my sister, I''m sure it was something derogatory towards me.

    "We could all go together, that might be cool." Anne is looking straight at me when she said that, now I''m really confused. Does she think I''m trying to steal her new friend?

    "What! You never go to the pool, I''ve been asking for years! Do you even know how to swim?" I ask defensively, it''s true though, every single time I ask her to come she turns me down. My heart drops, does this mean it was me she was avoiding rather than the swimming?

    I open my mouth to argue and Anne snaps at me, "Yeah, I''m trying new things. Drop it, please?" Yeah, she''s been avoiding going with me. What a bitch. I gulp down a frog in my throat, I really don''t want to cry and make a scene but I can feel them coming.

    Jo looks between us and says, "I think we could do a group thing, maybe next week? My social calendar has never been this full!" She''s just trying to stem the argument before it starts but I see sense, we shouldn''t fight at someone else''s house. I take a deep breath and stomp off to find someone else to talk to.

    Mae is standing on her own behind the bar so I figure she won''t mind a companion, I put on a brave face try to act happy, "A cold one on the rocks barkeep!" I call to her in my best western impression. She smiles and pours me a coke. "So, I''ve been meaning to ask, how come I haven''t seen you at school yet?"

    "I don''t know. I spend a lot of time in clubs, I eat lunch in the classroom so you probably just miss me at breaks." Mae tells me quietly.

    "Cool, what clubs are you in?" I really don''t see the point in filling my days even further but it''s cool that other people do.

    "I''m on the dance committee, youth parliament and debating club. That fills all my lunch hours and three days after school." She says with a shrug.

    My eyes bug out, "Holy crap, those all sound the most boring things in existence! Why?"

    She laughs, "Mum says they improve my chances of getting into uni. Also, back in first year, I thought it would help me make friends."

    "How''d that work out for you?" I ask, taking a big sip of coke.

    "Well, I know lots of people but they are all super nerdy. None that you would invite home. I''m glad Heather still hangs out with me, I really live for the weekends." She takes a long drink from her own glass, averting her eyes from mine.

    "So, how come you got sent to a different high school after going to primary school with Heather?" I ask, actually interested. I''m assuming they moved just like Becky did.

    "We live right on the border of the school catchment zone. Mum looked at the school results and didn''t give me a choice. Heather probably would have come with me if the busses ran past her house. How did you get put in a different school to your sister? You guys are way off the bus route!"

    "My best friend moved away and I begged my mum to let me go to her school. It only works because mum''s work is in that direction and her hours usually work out. I spend a few evenings at Becky''s or at the pool but we make it work." I shrug and am about to say more when heather suddenly appears and sits beside me.

    "I''ll have what she''s having." She says in a corny accent. I don''t know what film she''s trying to emulate.

    "What is it with people ordering in funny accents?" Mae asks, pouring another coke.

    "I heard Kelly do it, thought it was funny." Heather admits. I thought it was funny too, actually, I still find it amusing that Mae has actually taken the role of barkeep! She''s standing polishing a glass now!

    "So, is there actual booze behind there or do they only stock it with soft drinks?" Heather asks, standing on the rungs of her stool to peer over the bar.

    "Oh, there''s booze. Lots of it too. All top shelf, malt whiskey, barrel aged rum, fancy looking gins." Mae puts down her shiny glass and picks up another to polish. "But you''re not getting any. Not unless you can show me some ID."

    I laugh heartily when she says that, she looks utterly serious, it''s wonderful. Heather''s face was priceless too.

    A couple of minutes later Jenny''s mum announces that Joe is about to play so we all turn towards her, she plays a song that I think I have heard. Everyone else looks like they know it so I assume it''s fairly recent. Her voice is magnificent, I can''t help wondering what she would sound like singing something good.

    Everyone applauds and she launches straight into something I recognize from dad''s playlist, bittersweet symphony. It is damned good, probably better since I know the words. Then she shifts into a slow Irish ballad about a man stealing corn and being sent away to prison. It is absolutely haunting and I feel like I want to cry just hearing it.

    Before I make a fool of myself shedding tears listening to a song, Jenny''s mum gets her to play whiskey in the jar. People are up singing and dancing to it but I still feel sad, Mae who has come over to sit beside me gives me a little hug and suddenly I do feel better. I sigh and lean into her arm, seeing Anne and Abby in a similar pose. At least it''s not just me.

    When the song ends and she has packed up, Jo makes her way to the bar. Mae does her barkeep job again, getting her a fizzy water. I guess you have to watch the calories to have a six-pack like hers.

    "That song was so sad. You almost had me in tears." I tell her softly.

    "Sorry. It didn''t go down well, nobody clapped." Jo replied with a shrug.

    "Not because they didn''t like it. It was just¡­ deep. You played it beautifully." I assure her, the song may have been the wrong choice for the occasion but I''m glad I heard it.

    "Mrs Mendez wanted me to play something traditional and that was the only one that came to mind. I have a tendency to play it when I''m sad. Not that I''m sad now, just, that''s how I practise it so that''s how it comes over." She really seems like she regrets playing that song.

    I put my hand on her arm, "It was awesome, don''t worry, people enjoyed it."

    She smiles at me and leans in, "So, have you played Singstar before?" She whispers.

    "Nope, you?" I have a feeling I know where this is going.

    "Nope."

    "So, are we losing another virginity together?" I ask with a laugh.

    "Hope this one doesn''t hurt either!" She says with a huge smirk.

    "It shouldn''t be for you, your singing voice is awesome!" She beamed at my praise as if she didn''t know her voice was amazing.

    It turned out having a great voice wasn''t everything in Singstar, it helped but Jo seemed to spend half the song finding the pitch or tone that the game wanted before she nailed the latter halves. I''m pretty sure if she sang the same song twice she would completely annihilate our scores.

    I sang Barbie Girl with Mae as a duet, she took the Barbie track and I had the role of Ken, it was hilarious. I''m surprised I didn''t score negative points, Mae knew all the words which was a little intimidating and she did these little doll like gestures that everyone laughed at but I could not get my voice low enough to score points. Mae gave me a huge consolation hug at the end though which was nice.

    Reading on Amazon or a pirate site? This novel is from Royal Road. Support the author by reading it there.

    I really enjoyed the evening, I mainly talked to Mae and Jo which Anne did comment on when we were on our way back in Abby¡¯s dad¡¯s car. I wanted to tell her that she and Abby were too busy being lovestruck and trying to out themselves to pay me any attention but it really wasn''t the right place.

    I fell asleep in the car, in my defence it was late and the motion of the car was really soothing. Waking to Abby taking a photo of me drooling with my mouth open was not fun though. Her dad totally told me off for the language that came out of my mouth. Oops.

    As I stumbled up the stairs Abby told me I could use the bathroom first. I know that is just an excuse for them to have some ''alone time''. Well, I guess I don''t care, much, I''m probably just jealous. Either way, I''m still sleeping in the middle tonight, it''s freezing in Abby''s house and I don''t like the idea of being in the same bed as them if they decide to fool around.

    I pull on my nice new pyjamas, not new, stolen thoroughly from Anne, the same ones I wore for movie night. She hasn''t mentioned it but I like them, hell I must, I''ve only had wash days not wearing them since Anne''s party. Perhaps I should ask mum to buy me some more¡­

    I stand at the sink brushing my teeth, being a good girl and humming ''Under the boardwalk'' which dad insists will make me brush for a full two minutes. My mind is wandering, I suspect I''m going to have weird dreams tonight considering I can''t seem to focus on one thought for more than ten seconds.

    "I''m sleeping in the middle." I tell the girls as I return to the bedroom, "There''s no way I''m letting you two get up to any hanky panky whilst I''m in the bed!"

    "Hanky panky? You sound like Gran!" Anne says as she walks past me to the bathroom. Suspiciously, they both go together¡­ I don''t know if I''m just being paranoid, but I think they might be up to something in that locked room.

    I lie down in the bed, trying to get the exact middle. It''s huge compared to my single bed, and low to the ground. The pillow smells like Abby''s perfume. That''s the last thought through my head before I''m in the land of nod.

    <hr>

    I don''t know what time it is, it''s utterly dark and I can''t see a clock, I don''t know if there even is one. I suddenly realise that my arm is hugging Abby and my hand is somewhere it really shouldn''t be. I have a brief concern it could be my sister but then realize the material is wrong, I''m holding a thin cotton covered handful of warm flesh. Anne is wearing a thicker jumper like top and she has sleeves, I can clearly feel a bare arm holding my own tight against her chest.

    I realise I am holding my breath, accidental second base! I don''t dare move, I hardly breathe letting my hand rest there for as long as she will let me.

    I must have dozed off again, I wake to feel an arm draped across my hip. Anne must have moved in her sleep. I realise it must have woken Abby, I can feel her nipple harden under my thumb. Oh god it''s glorious. I stay like that for what seems like very long minutes, resisting the urge to stroke my thumb across Abby''s nipple.

    Eventually, my time is up, she lifts my hand and places it firmly on her stomach, holding it there with her own hand, I inadvertently make a disappointed noise. Truth be told, I''m happy with that too. Cuddles with my sister''s girlfriend! I notice she doesn''t move Anne''s hand.

    I must have fallen asleep again, next I know I wake with the sun streaming through the curtains and Abby firmly moving my hand again. This time I missed the experience. Anne is missing, she must have slipped out without waking me.

    "You''re a very handsy young lady." Abby berates me as she gets out of bed, she quite blatantly pulls down her short nightie before moving the quilt. I wonder where that hand of Anne''s went! She certainly didn''t make any moves to shift it!

    I spend a few minutes thinking of that and of the feeling of that nipple. I really shouldn''t do this. I feel really bad, but oh so good at the same time. I''m so conflicted. I hear the toilet flush and footsteps going downstairs so I force myself to get out of bed rather than be the bad girl I so want to be.

    After I dress and wander downstairs I manage to catch the tail end of a conversation, I pause at the door, listening.

    "Next time she''s sleeping in the camp bed." That was Anne, I guess she didn''t like me playing piggy in the middle.

    "Hell, next time I will sleep in the camp bed." Abby''s just mad about my roaming hands. God, I hope she doesn''t mention that again.

    "Next time we can both share the camp bed and she can have the bed to herself!" That''s it, I''m breaking this up, I wasn''t that bad.

    "Hey, what''s for breakfast?" I ask innocently as I come into the kitchen.

    "Cereal, Abby has about a hundred different choices though." Well done not flinching Anne! If I hadn''t heard the conversation I never would have guessed you were talking about me.

    Abby opened a large corner cupboard, "They are all up on the top shelf, not a hundred, unfortunately. Help yourself."

    Wow. It may not be a hundred but the selection runs the gambit from boring rice puffs and all-bran to weird and wonderful granolas. My hand hovers over the lucky charms before I decide to be adventurous, honey and almond clusters with raspberries. I drag it down, I''m glad I''m taller than most of the girls in my class, I don''t have to ask people to get things off the top shelves anymore.

    "So, any plans for Sunday? Lazy day?" Abby asks me as I pour my milk.

    "I have my swimming in the afternoon. Other than that it''s a free day. Mum made me do my homework on Friday as a caveat to getting to go to the party." I reply before digging in. Oh wow, this is about the best cereal I have ever tasted.

    Abby must have noticed the look of bliss on my face, I was chewing with my eyes closed, "Those are my favourites, mum buys them for herself but I doubt she gets to eat even half the box." I nod and give an ''mmhmm'', reluctant to stop filling my face with this wonder food.

    "So, what are you doing Abby? We could hang out this afternoon?" Anne asked innocently, I''m pretty sure she just wants to spend the afternoon doing the things she couldn''t with me in the bed. That said, I''m pretty sure I know where those fingers were last night.

    Abby lip curls upwards, "Can''t, mum and dad are having my gran and grandad over. We will probably end up doing jigsaws with them drinking sherry."

    Anne gave a dejected little shrug. Obviously, she has no plans.

    We are ushered out of the house straight after I finish my bowl, I absolutely have to get mum to buy some of that. That said, I might just sit and finish the whole pack if we had it in our house.

    Anne is almost skipping on the walk home, "Enjoyed sleeping with Abby then?" I ask her.

    "What? No! I''m just happy, last night was fun and we have all day to ourselves."

    "Mmmhmm." I drone, man I wish I had a girlfriend to make me that happy. "You two seemed to be getting along well last night."

    Anne looks at me puzzled, "Oh, we thought we were being discreet!" Yeah, discreet with me as the meat in an Anne and Abby sandwich. "Was it really obvious? We just held hands a bit."

    Oh, perhaps she is talking about the party, yeah, best not mention that other thing, "If you knew you were together it was obvious, no idea if people would have noticed otherwise." I answer, not really having paid that much attention at the party.

    "Damn, we have to be more careful. You seem to get on well with Mae and Jo, do you see Mae at school?" She''s walking backwards now, she has way too much energy for a Sunday morning!

    "Actually we talked about that last night. It sounds like she is super busy with these geeky clubs her mum got her to join." As soon as the words leave my lips I regret telling Anne, something about that conversation felt like a confession.

    "What clubs is she in?" She asks, sounding genuinely interested.

    "Erm¡­ prom and something else. It sounded really geeky, like speech club or debating or something." I shrug, "It sounded like she was a bit lonely." There, I said it, something told to me in confidence blurted out the moment someone asks me about it. Man, I feel stink.

    "Hmm, she does tend to be really quiet, I could imagine her finding it hard to make friends. She gets on well with you though, you should hang out with her at school." Anne says enthusiastically.

    I look at her in disbelief, "A fifth-year hanging with a bunch of first years? Way to kill her reputation, if she has any."

    Anne frowned at me, "Oh, I suppose you''re right." She said eventually. Well, duh, of course I''m right! Not that I would mind hanging out with Mae, she is nice, in a quiet, self-effacing way. I think if someone were to get to know her I can imagine her being really fun.

    We arrive home to find the door locked, I manage to use my key for only the third time since mum and dad gave me it. It feels odd letting myself into my own house when I know my parents are in. Oh god¡­ don''t be bumping uglies, I do not want to be scarred for life.

    Thankfully they are just nursing hangovers. Dad pours us a coffee as Anne asks about their night. As far as dad tells it the hangover is all mum''s fault.

    "So, quiet day in front of the TV?¡± I ask, grabbing a fruit juice to down whilst dad pours the coffee. ¡°You still okay to take me swimming.¡± I dread the answer, I actually want to see Becks today, I have news and gossip to tell her. Mum suddenly looks green and rushes off.

    ¡°I guess that¡¯s a no.¡± I''m pretty pissed off, to be honest. If I was allowed to go alone it would be fine but mum thinks I''m too immature to ride the bus alone. Anne got to go alone when she was my age, what''s the difference?

    ¡°If you don¡¯t mind the bus then I¡¯ll go with you.¡± I look disbelievingly at Anne.

    Dad seems to be looking to me to make that decision, ¡°I¡¯m okay with that if we go early and you come for a swim.¡± I tell her, pushing my luck.

    Anne looked at me disbelievingly. ¡°Really?¡±

    ¡°If you¡¯re willing to go with Jo and Abby you can¡¯t hate it that much.¡± I say accusingly, I''m still mad about last night, she has been avoiding coming with me for years, if she says no I will totally take it personally.

    ¡°I don¡¯t know if I even still have a swimsuit that fits.¡± Anne said, trying to worm her way out of going with me, well it''s not going to work.

    ¡°I have loads, we aren''t much different in height now so you would probably fit one.¡± I give her an evil smile, ¡°The swim meet is at two, if we have an early lunch and leave here at midday we should get a good swim in.¡±

    ¡°Okay, fine. You better find me a nice one though, something that doesn¡¯t show too much skin.¡± I am tempted to get her to try my high cut Adidas one, it shows off my bum so well. I think twice about that though, I actually do want to get her swimming with me so I give her my short leg ones. They are brand new, I think I may have worn them once because they are so ridiculously conservative. They please Anne though so I guess she can keep them. Call it a swap for the pyjamas.

    As we ride the bus Anne seems preoccupied, she isn''t even interested in my ongoing campaign to make a first-year chemistry experiment explode. At one point I tell her Hellen Keller is teaching my English class and she doesn''t blink an eye. I try more and more outrageous stories and nothing, she could be a million miles away and still pay more attention to the conversation.

    I huff and fall silent, staring out the window at the drab housing estates drifting past. Before long we arrive at the pool and for the first time Anne seems to react to something, some girl I see all the time at the pool said: "Lookout, it''s one of the new apprentice dykes, better not take our clothes off yet."

    Anne got really upset at that, which was funny since neither of the girls in the locker room was anything special to look at.

    I was about to respond when Anne said "It''s not worth it. They''re just being homophobic pricks."

    One of them says something insulting but I walk past the bigots and get in the pool and wait for my sister to get used to the water before turning to Anne, ¡°It¡¯s not like you would want to see them naked. The one who spoke has a really nasty appendix scar and her friend has a huge strawberry birthmark.¡± It''s the truth too, although I must admit the birthmark is in an interesting place.

    ¡°Oh my god, Kelly! You really are a pervert! And you can''t judge people like that, they can''t help those things!¡± Meh, if people don''t want me looking they shouldn''t strip in front of me.

    ¡°Come on, let''s go to the deep end and do some diving. I''m going to be swimming enough laps later on.¡± I tell her, seeing the slight smirk which belays her stern comment.

    Swimming with my sister is awesome, it''s been so long since we did this that everything is new and fun. I kind of wish Becky was here but she almost always turns up with about thirty seconds to spare, already in her costume. She never even changes on the way home on Sundays, just hops in her mum''s car wet in a towel.

    When the time comes for swim squads Anne decides to just do laps in the slow lane. I finally get to tell Becky all about last night. She is so jealous, or at least I think she is, she might just be pissed off that I didn''t come and stay the night at her house. I neglect to tell her about my faux pas with Abby in the bed. She really doesn''t need to know that one, considering I am not telling her I like girls. Perhaps I can tell Charlotte¡­

    Oh shit, that busybody who insists on giving me advice has followed Anne into the changing rooms. God I hate that woman, she talks to me almost every week, she''s as bad as my mother. Last week she told me off for looking at a girl''s bum as she was walking out of the shower room, it''s not like I was hurting her or anything and she was tall and slim and gorgeous, and she knew it judging by the way she wiggled those hips.

    I almost miss my call as I dwell on the woman, oh well, it''s Anne''s problem today.

 06 - Secret stoner

    It''s going to be next weekend before Charlotte gets her new prosthetic back. She could have it sooner but her mum can''t get the time off. We are all competing in a big swim meet this weekend though, a full-day event. Kind of boring to be honest but at least Becky and Charlotte will be there. Weirdly, so will Andrew. I don''t quite know how I feel about that, I suspect Becky will be trying to chat him up all day, or perhaps the three of them will talk about computer games. I suspect it might suck.

    "We''re here Kelly." Mum says startling me out of my reverie, I look around dumbly trying to place myself.

    "Sorry, I was in a world of my own." I mumble as I slip out of the car. "See you tonight."

    "I''m picking you up from Rebecca''s house, remember." I''m glad she reminded me. I wave as she drives off.

    We seem to be early so I sit on the wall and wait for my friends in a weird role reversal. I wish I had brought my headphones, I have absolutely nothing to occupy me until they arrive. I flick through my chemistry textbook again, I have a list of every experiment we are doing this year and for the life of me, even with every chemical we will be using in one place, the best option is something containing potassium permanganate because it''s a great oxidiser but there isn''t anything great to react it with, I could mix it with ethylene glycol or glycerol if we used them but fire is boring. I want something that goes bang! If we used magnesium or aluminium powder at all then I could make flash powder like they used in photography back over a century ago. Perhaps I could file down a can but then it would be obviously contrived.

    I put my book away in disgust just in time to see both my friends wandering down the road at a sedate pace. They certainly aren''t in a rush.

    ¡°Hey.¡± I call, waving at them from the other side of the street. They wave back and stand waiting at the crossing. I sit back down since the lights take ages. Perhaps if I look at the material safety data sheets for all the chemicals we use I can work something out.

    "What are you all frowny about?" Charlotte asks me when they eventually make it over the road.

    "Chemistry." I mutter, not wanting to elaborate right now.

    "Hmm, not my favourite subject, but not my least either." She agrees, misunderstanding my frustration. "Anyway, Becky was telling me you are coming over tonight. Fancy doing something outdoors?"

    "I have to stay near Becky''s house, mum often finishes early so she could pick me up any time." It''s one of those double-edged swords, sometimes I''m glad to get home and others I am loath to leave. "Otherwise I''m keen, as long as it stays like this." The weather is cold but bright and dry, a fine late Autumn day.

    "Cool, I''m looking after the sprogs so we could play Kerby or something?" Both myself and Becky look at her in confusion. "You bounce a football off the kerb from across the road? You''ve never played?"

    "I''m wondering what sprogs are." Becky admitted.

    "Oh, I deduced they were her siblings, I''ve met them so I probably had an advantage. I''ve never heard of Kerby though. I guess it''s free and little kids can play it?" I think possibly free is a big one. We are all saving up for Christmas presents, I don''t think Charlotte gets quite as much pocket money as us either.

    "Yeah, and Becky''s house is on a really quiet road." Charlotte confirmed, "I''m looking after them for an hour or so until dad gets home."

    "As long as it isn''t raining I''m in." Becky agrees and we do our normal wander around the school before class.

    Mostly the day proceeds without any drama, amazingly I am managing to stay out of detention fairly consistently now. I''m learning to bite my tongue, mainly because I don''t want to miss out on socialising in the breaks. Classes are so boring though, if it weren''t for the social aspect of school I''m not sure I could drag myself out of bed for it.

    I do manage to half-inch the A5 folder containing the Material Safety Data Sheets, judging by the dust on it, I doubt anyone has looked at the thing in years. I doubt they will be of any use though, on the quick flick through I happened to notice that the first aid suggestion for ingesting sterile water was ''Wash out mouth with water and give 200-300ml of water to drink. Obtain

    medical attention if ill effects occur. Do NOT induce vomiting as a First-Aid measure.''

    So, if you drink the water, drink some more water. That doesn''t inspire confidence in the rest of the content of the folder.

    Shaking my head at the weird nanny state first aid instructions I make a decision, "Hey, Becky? I''m going to visit the library, you okay without me for last break?"

    "Oh, I have absolutely no idea what I will do with only a bunch of cute boys and Charlotte to keep me company!" The sarcasm was not needed.

    "Right, whatever, have fun and use protection." I wave and leave her laughing at me as I walk quickly to the library. Other than getting shown the location in English the first week I have never actually been here. I expected overbearing librarians and lots of shushing but actually, there are just small groups of older students at tables separated by bookshelves. They are all talking amongst themselves but it isn''t obtrusive, probably because the bookshelves buffer the noise.

    I grab one of the tiny single desks along the side wall, every second one of these has an antique beige computer sitting on the desk. That was the other project I had planned, hack the school network, I hadn''t thought the chemistry one would be so hard though. Looking at the computers I suspect the other project will be technically easy but difficult not to get caught, the computers face the general population so everyone can see what you are doing.

    I had barely opened my purloined folder when someone startles me by loudly dragging a chair from the computer desk and sitting beside me.

    "Holy shit Mae! You scared the crap out of me." My heart is still beating fast.

    "Obviously you must be up to no good then!" She says jokingly before glancing at my folder, "What is that? I don''t remember anything like that in first year." Before I can stop her she yanks the folder off the table, "MSDS?" She asks reading the front cover.

    "A little light reading for chemistry." I say, trying to keep my voice neutral. Judging by the look she is giving me I failed. "I''m studying ahead?" I try, somehow making it a question accidentally.

    "Right." She flicks through the folder before giving me a big frown, her chocolate brown eyes narrowing. "I''m going to pretend I didn''t see this, but only if you tell me why you have a folder clearly marked ''Do not remove from chemistry lab 2'' on the cover."

    I sigh heavily. "I wanted to see if anything we use in first year could be made to explode." I say, not meeting her eyes.

    If anything Mae''s frown deepens, "You see, that''s the sort of explanation that means I really should dob you in." She closes the folder with a thump. "Why?"

    "It was just a challenge I set myself at the beginning of the year. I thought it would be easy, mix a few chemicals, get them to go whomp and give off a cloud of smoke, make everyone laugh. Turns out we live in this nanny state country where every possibly slightly dangerous thing is banned." I sigh again. "I have learned a lot from researching it though, and I wasn''t planning on making nitroglycerin or anything." I pause for a brief second, "Though, if I could get concentrated nitric acid¡­"

    Mae just looks at me, the frown still vaguely there, we sit like that for an uncomfortable length of time, "Okay. How about this? If you find a way to do it, come see me so that I can check how dangerous it is. If I hear you tried something without me okaying it then I will tell your parents."

    "Okay." I say in a small voice, "Can I keep the folder?"

    She looks at me with a look I can''t place, her lips are pursed and she might be angry but I''m not sure. "When is your next chemistry class?" She asks eventually.

    "I have one Thursday and again on Friday." I tell her.

    "Okay, return the folder on Thursday." She gets up and moves the chair back, "And don''t get caught, stealing important safety equipment would be a really bad thing on your record." She turns to leave before obviously having a thought, then says over her shoulder, "Grab a fourth-year chemistry textbook from the shelf near the door and look up energetics and the Born-Haber cycle, I think there may be some useful things in there for you. Nice to see you at last." And then leaves, I release a breath I didn''t realize I was holding. Somehow nice quiet little Mae is seriously scary when she''s in her prim and proper school guise.

    I wait a full thirty seconds before grabbing the textbook she suggested. It takes me the rest of my break to work out that she thinks I am more intelligent than I really am. Holy crap the stuff in there about ionic and covalent bonds is way over my head. We are only just starting to cover that stuff in the simplest terms in class, hell even the maths is beyond me, there are all these triangles and squiggly symbols that I have no idea about. I check the book out anyway, along with the second and third-year texts. All together I think I have more than doubled the weight of my bag.

    ¡°Get what you wanted from the library?¡± Kelly asks me as I sit down in our guidance class. It''s the last class of the day thankfully but almost the most pointless class in school.

    ¡°Yeah, I got a book someone recommended along with the rest of the series.¡± It''s the honest truth, even if I¡¯m being a little obtuse.

    ¡°Well, let me know if they¡¯re any good, I might have to get them out myself.¡± I manage to hide my smile when she says this. I can just imagine her studying chemistry because I thought it was a good read.

    Guidance was an exercise in embarrassment, they honestly think we are useless little children. Today started with a video on personal hygiene! I swear they are teaching to the lowest common denominator¡­ hey, that''s maths I understand!

    <hr>

    Kerby turns out to be one of the simplest and most frustrating games invented! We spend most of our time retrieving a ball or dodging traffic, not that there is a huge amount of traffic. The aim of the game is to bounce a football off the edge of the kerb and catch it, then you move to the middle of the road and do it again, you score points for each bounce and catch, if you miss the bounce or the catch your go is over. Charlotte plays it with an extra rule where if you miss from the middle and the opponent catches it they can throw it at you and if you are hit before getting to the other pavement you lose all the points you got on that go. It is devilishly hard to catch the ball when it bounces back and you only get points when you do.

    Charlotte''s siblings are terrible at the game but they love it anyway, mainly the dodgeball bit, they giggle like lunatics whenever they get to throw the ball and scream if they have to run away. We have two games going at once between the six of us, I¡¯m pretty sure Becky is taking it easy on the kids, not me and Charlotte though, we¡¯re all about the winning.

    My mum turns up early for once but then has the decency to wait until my game is over, I well and truly trounce Becky.

    ¡°Ready to go?¡± Mum asks once we finish.

    ¡°Yeah, I guess so.¡± I pick up my heavy bag from the porch and wave goodbye to everyone.

    Mum is again listening to her thrash metal or whatever she calls it, the volume is turned up to earsplitting. Charlotte would love it. We don''t say much to each other until we get home which suits me fine but is a little odd.

    ¡°I guess you should go do your homework.¡± Mum tells me, seeing me struggle to heft my bag to my shoulder.

    ¡°It''s just some reading for chemistry, I can do it after dinner.¡± I tell her, she gives me this ¡®oh really?¡¯ look and I shrug. ¡°Fine, I can start it now.¡± I guess at least that gets me out of peeling vegetables.

    As I walk past Anne¡¯s open bedroom door I hear her on the phone, she is talking to Abby who she obviously just left an hour ago at most. From the small snippet I hear walking past, they are all getting harassed at school for being Jo¡¯s friends, all tarred from the lesbian brush as it were. Oh well, at least there was truth in the rumour when it came to Anne and Abby. Perhaps she should just come out and be done with it. That said, I can¡¯t honestly say that I would be happy telling Becky and Charlotte, let alone my other friends. Damn, why does life have to be so hard?

    I lie in bed with a pen, paper and my big folder of chemicals. First I remove all the chemicals I know we use from the binder and then put them together at the front. By the time dinner comes I am done. It is a disappointingly short list.

    <ul>

    <li style="font-weight: 400">Calcium

    Reacts with water or acids to create flammable gas</li>

    <li style="font-weight: 400">calcium hydroxide

    Violent reaction with: strong oxidiser, Strong acid</li>

    <li style="font-weight: 400">cobalt chloride

    Boring.</li>

    <li style="font-weight: 400">Copper Sulphate

    If you discover this tale on Amazon, be aware that it has been stolen. Please report the violation.Boring</li>

    <li style="font-weight: 400">Hydrochloric acid

    Acid but still boring</li>

    <li style="font-weight: 400">Magnesium

    This material in sufficient quantity and reduced particle size is capable of creating a dust explosion. Flammable solid. May react with acids or moisture to form explosive hydrogen gas.</li>

    <li style="font-weight: 400">Potassium Permanganate

    Strong oxidizer. Contact with other material may cause fire. Some oxidizers may react explosively with hydrocarbons(fuel). May accelerate burning if involved in a fire. Containers may explode when heated.</li>

    <li style="font-weight: 400">sodium thiosulfate

    Contact with powdered potassium, sodium metals, alkali, and oxidizing agents produce violent reactions</li>

    <li style="font-weight: 400">sodium hydroxide

    Violent to explosive reaction with (some) acids. Reacts violently with many compounds: heat release resulting in increased fire or explosion risk. Violent exothermic reaction with water (moisture): release of corrosive mist. Reacts exothermically on exposure to water (moisture) with combustible materials: risk of spontaneous ignition.</li>

    </ul>

    There were other things in the sheets that were interesting so I might have to take photos of them on my phone but ultimately, none of the descriptions fill me with hope. Perhaps I need to learn some more chemistry to find out what mixing them will actually do. The heavy textbooks lurk menacingly from my desk on the other side of the room.

    ¡°Kelly! I¡¯m not going to be happy if I have to call you again!¡± Mum sounds really pissed off. Thinking back to the silent treatment in the car I kind of wonder if I have done something bad. I can''t recall anything specific but perhaps she heard about all my detentions. Oh god, I hope not.

    ¡°Coming!¡± I call down as I put the folder on my desk.

    ¡°Sorry, I was just finishing my homework.¡± I say as I slip into my seat, my palms sweating slightly as I anticipate some kind of telling off. Oh yum, another salad. Why oh why did she have to be early today, I had been looking forward to dad cooking!

    ¡°I¡¯ve spoken to your sister and she is going to look after you after school tomorrow. Abby is coming around to keep her company. Don¡¯t make life hard for her, you hear me?¡± She scowls at me and I reflexively huddle down in my chair.

    ¡°Erm, sorry?¡± I say, not sure what I¡¯m apologising for.

    ¡°It¡¯s okay Kelly, your mum is just mad that she has to go to a ¡®stupid American bullshit baby shower thing¡¯ on Friday for Myta at her work.¡± Dad even does the air quotes. ¡°And Jane, settle. The girls didn¡¯t do anything wrong.¡±

    ¡°I know, I know.¡± She sighs and puts leans her head in her hands. ¡°I just don¡¯t even like the woman and I hate these stupid Americanised customs. Next thing we know people will be setting fire to cities to tell people the sex of an unborn child.¡± She huffs and picks at her salad like a petulant child.

    I look at dad and he shrugs, then he passes me the raspberry balsamic salad dressing. He knows me so well.

    ¡°So, Abby¡¯s coming around tomorrow? That¡¯s nice.¡± I say, gently ribbing my sister, ¡°Any plans?¡±

    ¡°Homework, just hanging out really.¡± She says with a slightly shifty look. I know that as soon as they are alone they will be all over each other. Not that I blame them.

    ¡°Perhaps we can watch a movie? After homework of course.¡± I say the last bit to appease mum who I can see is still fuming.

    ¡°Yeah, something like that.¡± She agrees, brushing me off. I''m fairly sure she knows I am taking the Michael.

    "Are you going to come to my swimming competition on the weekend?" I ask Anne hopefully, "I''m sure dad will drive you home if you only want to stay a short time."

    She looks at me for a long time, "I think I''m busy." She eventually says and goes back to eating. I don''t know why but I get this ball of angst which sits heavy on my stomach. I thought maybe she might come this time, we''ve been getting on so well.

    "Can I leave the table?" I ask mum, I''m suddenly not hungry.

    She looks at my half-eaten plate and sighs, "Fine, no snacks tonight though."

    I nod and get up, not trusting my voice suddenly, I don''t know why but this time Anne''s rejection has really upset me. I sweep my leftovers into the compost and put my plate in the dishwasher before heading to my room, my eyes feel moist but I really don''t want to cry.

    I end up laying in bed with the lights off and the curtains shut listening to dad''s Pink Floyd CD. It fit my mood and happened to already be in the CD player. I suspect mum will ask me to turn it down though, it''s loud enough that I''m sure they can hear it downstairs. Laying in the dark I can''t stop the tears, they feel weird flowing out and down the outside of my face. I can''t even say why I''m so upset, it isn''t like this is the first time Anne hasn''t come to support me. I think about calling Becky, or perhaps Charlotte, then I think perhaps I should message them but I really don''t want them to think I''m soft. God, I hate myself sometimes.

    Sometime before the end of the album, I must have fallen asleep. When I wake I find someone has put a blanket over me, I''m still fully clothed though and I didn''t brush my teeth. I''m not sure why mum wouldn''t have woken me, she really is a stickler for oral hygiene. Deciding I can''t be bothered I remove my clothes and get under the covers naked. It feels weird not to have pyjamas on, the bedclothes touch me in odd ways. It''s sort of nice in a forbidden, rebellious way, it makes me feel sort of grown-up. I fall asleep pondering that feeling.

    When my alarm goes in the morning I have a moment of confusion at my own nudity. Then I have a further conundrum, do I put my clothes or my PJs on to get to the bathroom? I decide on clothes but no undies and shuffle off down the hall with the rest of my clothes in hand. Anne''s betrayal feels like a lifetime ago.

    <hr>

    Before I even realise it, the week is over, school flashed past for once and mum is already outside when I get to the road. I managed to put the folder back in the chemistry lab without anyone noticing so I feel pretty relieved. I wave goodbye to Becky who is going to hang out after school with Charlotte. I can''t say I''m not jealous, and yes I mean jealous, I would rather it be me or it not happen, Charlotte was meant to be my friend, I don''t want my two best friends to hook up and forget about me, or even just to become better friends and not want me around as much. God, I''m insecure.

    Mum is listening to Ramstein again, I sing along because although I complain about it, I do actually enjoy the music. Now that I know Charlotte I don''t feel as bad listening to mum''s music, dad''s is still a cringe-fest though. It seems like mum has cheered up, she''s singing too and there are two bottles of fizzy wine and a wrapped present in a bag at my feet.

    "I guess dad''s driving tonight?" I ask her between songs.

    "Nope, we are getting a lift there and a taxi home. It''s your dad''s way of appeasing me." Another good song comes on and mum cranks the stereo up even further. I just laugh and sing along, happy that at least mum isn''t taking her displeasure out on me today.

    Dad is already home when we arrive and mum rushes upstairs to get changed.

    "I think she might be intending to get drunk tonight." I tell him conspiratorially, "You may need to stop her from saying anything rash."

    He smiles and tussles my hair, "That''s my girl, looking out for the olds!"

    "Hey, if she gets sacked, how would I get to school?" I joke and he laughs before cracking open a beer.

    "Perhaps I can save her by speaking my mind in her stead?" He suggests with a silly grin. "Hey, are you okay with Anne holding the fort tonight? I know she upset you the other night."

    "Meh, I don''t care if she doesn''t come and support me." I tell him, not really wanting to open that wound.

    "Really? Division bell at full volume in the dark tells me otherwise." He says knowingly. "Tell me it isn''t an awesome album though?"

    "Yeah, it is pretty good, especially loud and in the dark. And I was upset, but I got over it."

    He nods and accepts my words at face value, "I must lend you tubular bells. Perhaps all three albums, I used to find they were all great to listen to in the dark."

    "Were you a secret pot smoker?" I ask him jokingly, knowing that all those albums are known for their popularity with stoners.

    "Ask me no questions and I will tell you no lies!" He says, raising his beer to me as he walks away to say hello to mum. I watch him leave with a shocked expression, I''m sure I must be catching flies. Who knew, my dad the stoner?

    Minutes later mum and dad were leaving, Anne and Abby had just arrived so I made myself scarce. I didn''t really want to be there when they were making doe eyes at each other.

    I occupy myself writing in my diary.

    <blockquote>

    Mum and dad have left me with Anne and Abby, somehow they think that I am less trustworthy than them, I give it perhaps an hour before there is nudity and inappropriate conduct going on. That said, if I had a girlfriend it wouldn''t take me that long!

    I just found out dad might have smoked a lot of weed when he was younger, he totally didn''t deny it anyway. Hopefully, that means he will be understanding when if I smoke pot.

    </blockquote>

    Well, that took all of thirty seconds. I''m starting to wish I had that PlayStation I thought was superfluous now. Perhaps I should have asked to stay over at Becky¡¯s house. That way I wouldn''t be worried about what my friends are doing without me.

    I grab my tablet and sit at the window, grabbing that little bit of wifi signal from next door. I normally only use it when I want to look up embarrassing things but today I¡¯m feeling rebellious, I think I might go the whole hog and watch porn.

    I fire up a private browser window and am as far as searching for naked girls when Abby calls me.

    I¡¯m not sure what I¡¯ve done but her tone sounds like she is scolding a dog for messing the carpet. I¡¯m pretty sure this is just some power trip since they are ¡®in charge¡¯.

    When I get to the living room Abby tells me ¡°Sit down young lady.¡± Oh god, this is going to be her telling me off for something. I honestly can¡¯t think what I have done though. I sit obediently beside my sister in confusion.

    What followed was by far the most embarrassing lecture I have ever had, it put mums ¡®talks¡¯ and the stupid health lectures in guidance class to shame. The only saving grace was that she was lecturing both myself and Anne. Apparently, some busybody woman (and I could hazard a pretty good guess which one) told Anne I was ogling the girls in the changing rooms. Abby seems to think she can teach me locker room etiquette! God what a bitch!

    As soon as Abby finishes I run to my room, surprisingly Anne is following me, trouble in paradise? Man, I am fuming! I slam my door on the way in and dive up only my bed, pulling my pillow over my head. ¡°Arrgggg!¡± I scream into the mattress, my voice muffled by the pillow.

    The worst part is I can¡¯t complain to mum and dad without telling them what the lecture is about. I sit up and punch my pillow, imagining it as Abby¡¯s face as I work up the courage to go complain and shout at them.

    I leave my room, stomping down the hall only to you overhear Abby talking to Anne. Apparently, she thought the whole thing was funny. She meant it as a joke or something. I pause with my hand on the door handle, I¡¯ve had my fair share of jokes that people took the wrong way, perhaps I should give her the benefit of the doubt. Dammit! I don¡¯t want to be the better woman here. I want to storm in there and speak my mind.

    Suddenly the conversation I am hearing sinks into my brain. Anne is going to do some nude modelling for Abby! Oh my god. I have my ammunition if I want to get them in trouble. I suddenly realise I have been holding the door handle for ages. I slink away back to my room, as I go I idly wonder if perhaps I should learn to draw.

    I hear doors opening and closing and Anne rattling around in the bathroom. I do wonder how much drawing will be done!

    I grab my diary again, filling up the rest of the space.

    <blockquote>

    Well, I was right about the nudity. I am going to have to get back at Abby, she pulled the most embarrassing stunt today. I am not even going to write what it was I am so mortified. Anyway, if I had a list, she would be on it. She is about to draw my sister, full in the buff nude. I am sure there must be a way to use that against her.

    </blockquote>

    I sit for a minute, tapping my lip with my pen before flipping to the back cover. I write on the inside cover in block letters, ABBY ROSENBERG.

    There, now I have a List. With the capital L!

    Realising they will not be using the living room I sneak downstairs and lie down on the nice comfy couch with my chemistry textbook. God, I¡¯m actually a geek! I bite my lip a little, concerned about this revelation. Perhaps if I read chemistry and listen to stoner music at loud volumes it might cancel out the geekiness? Probably not but I hunt out dads old tubular bells cd and put on his huge cup earphones with the curly wire. The bonus to this is that I won¡¯t be able to hear the goings-on upstairs.

    The next thing I know I wake with some kind of Klingon language tutorial playing in my ears and mum laughing at me, she looks pretty drunk.

    Dad unplugs the headphone jack and suddenly we are all learning Klingon.

    "Well, I can''t dance to this!" Dad complains and ejects my CD. God knows how long it was on repeat for but I suspect I should now be fluent in Klingon. "Ah! Here we go." Lady in red starts playing, also at the same indecent volume I had been listening to tubular bells at.

    Mum and dad do that ballroom dancing shuffle, acting all lovey-dovey, I suspect they had more than a bottle of wine each. I drag myself out of my comfy couch and rub the sleep from my eyes. "The baby shower wasn''t too bad then?" I ask.

    "Well, the baby shower was a snooze fest but we took some of my colleagues out to the nightclub afterwards. That made up for it." Mum says over dad''s shoulder. "Be a dear and pour us another wine?"

    Shaking my head I get up and go to the kitchen, there is a bottle of white wine in the fridge so I hunt out the stemless wine glasses we keep for drunk people and pour a couple of glasses. I take a swig from mum''s glass too of course, yuk wine is this acrid nasty stuff. Other than getting drunk I can''t see the appeal. That said I even out the glasses by drinking some of dad''s.

    "Here you go." I say, handing a glass to each of them.

    "Mmm, this is good! Which one was it?" Dad asks, knowing my answer.

    "White." I tell him.

    "Oh yes, I do like white." He says with a smile. "How about you DJ for us Kelly?"

    I groan but I quite enjoy doing this, I know their favourites. I spend the next hour cherry-picking songs from dad''s collection, acting as barwoman whilst taking a liberal cut and trying to ignore my parents sucking face when they think I''m not looking. It was bad enough Anne doing the horizontal shuffle, at least I wasn''t in the room!

    Eventually, I call it a night, I''m feeling slightly tipsy and it''s about 2 am, I''m not too tired but I did have a few hours napping.

    I kiss my parents good night, on their insistence, and leave them to it.

    When I get to my room I have a message from Charlotte on my tablet. She got her blade back early and wants to do something tomorrow¡­ well, I guess today. Shit, I need to get to sleep! I reply saying I''m up for it if I can get there. Instantly a ping comes back, apparently, Charlotte is awake too. I spend a while explaining my drunk parents, she tells me her brother is up with a nose bleed. Yuck.

    We chat for a while and by the time Charlotte tells me she is going to try and sleep I am wide awake again. Bugger. I notice that private tab I forgot to close, whoops. I still have one bar of wifi signal from the neighbours which is a miracle, normally I have to sit in the window and hold my tongue just right. Since I''m not tired I spend almost an hour making use of the internet connection, it''s almost dial-up speed but I eventually find a website with erotic lesbian stories which I quite enjoy, even though I am fairly sure most of them are written by men. I put my tablet away with a warm fuzzy feeling and finally manage to sleep.

 07 - Bouncy Bouncy

    This time, amazingly, dad is feeling fine the next day. It might be something to do with us all having slept in until half-past ten, or the huge greasy fry up he cooked for brunch though he claims it''s his superhuman constitution and having drunk the same wine all night, ''white''.

    Whatever it is, he is happy to take me to Charlotte''s mainly to escape my mother, who most definitely does have a hangover, according to her it is so overhanging that it eclipses the sun. I don''t think she will be good company today.

    It just happens to be pouring down outside, not a good start for putting Charlotte''s leg through its paces.

    "Any suggestions for indoor sports we can do?" I ask dad glumly.

    He responds immediately, "Squash, tennis, badminton, five a side, basketball, netball, volleyball, table tennis, judo, bowling¡­ lacrosse...curling?"

    I wait for him to peter out with an incredulous look on my face. "I said sports we can do. Preferably things that don''t cost a lot."

    "I could take you to the trampoline park, you used to like that." He suggests with a straight face. I''m not sure if he is being serious.

    "I liked it when I was five or six!" Then I stop and think for a second, "About the age her siblings are. You know, that might be okay."

    Feeling much better having at least one viable option I pack some sports clothes and a pair of trainers and dad drives me to Charlotte''s house.

    "Would you be okay driving us all to the trampoline park? Just in case Charlotte''s mum and dad can''t?" He smiles at me and tousles my hair, "Hey, eyes on the road!" I complain.

    "I have nothing on and it might be nice to give her parents some time alone. If Charlotte is keen I will take you but unlike when you were young, I am not bouncing. And promise me you will avoid the ball pits, they never get the pee out of them."

    "Ewe! Yuk, dad!" I laugh and turn on his stereo, the Beatles are playing, Maxwell''s silver hammer. He starts singing along and I can''t help but join in, it''s such an oddball song. All I can think of when I hear it is the animated music video I saw on YouTube, it makes me smile every time.

    When we arrive I run up the path and knock on the door, Charlotte answers if and her brother is instantly throwing himself into my arms. "Wow! Hello, Abdo." I say, setting him on my hip. "How are you today?" I step into the porch out of the rain.

    "Mum says I have to thank you for the DVDs and to tell you that I am wearing them out and to give you a hug." He leans in and gives me a huge hug. It feels really nice.

    "You''re welcome, I''m glad you''re enjoying them. Is your sister watching them too?" Charlotte gives me a long-suffering smile and invites us in, dad has just made it to the door and is already drenched.

    "Yes! We are watching Aladdin just now!" He says excitedly.

    "For the five hundredth time." Charlotte tells us.

    "Hey, Abdo, how about you go watch the movie for a bit and we will be in there shortly? We need a word with your mum." My dad asks the young boy with a serious tone.

    "Okay!" Abdo exclaims loudly and I let him down to run off.

    "Wow, he is just a little bundle of energy isn''t he?" Dad glances down at Charlotte''s leg, "Cool, can I have a look?" He asks pointing at her blade.

    She nods and goes to take it off but he holds out his hands, "No need to remove it, I just wanted a closer look. He bends down and peers at the leg, "Does it flex much when you jump up and down?" He is as interested in the technology as I am. Charlotte jumps up and down whilst dad is watching.

    "Cool, it looks so much like the limb of a recurve bow. Is it comfortable to use?" He asks as we walk to the kitchen.

    He and Charlotte seem to get on really well, that said my dad gets along with everyone. Charlotte''s mum is baking something in the kitchen and her dad is sitting at the kitchen table keeping her company.

    "Hi Mr Patterson, I''m Kelly and this is my dad Pete." I say, holding out my hand to shake.

    He laughs a deep rumbling laugh, "We are not yet married, though I may take Elise''s name when we do, it would be nice for people to be able to spell my name. I am Nasif." His hand is strong and warm and he covers my hand in both of his. "I am glad you are such a good friend to Charlotte." He said before turning to shake dad''s hand.

    "We were wondering if Charlotte would like to take the kids to the trampoline park?" Dad asked quickly, staving off my embarrassment, I had no idea how to answer Nasif and it may have shown.

    "Are you even allowed to use blade limbs on the trampolines? They make you take your shoes off." Charlotte asked, "If I''m allowed then I would love to. I''m sure the tykes would love it too."

    "I must say I hadn''t even considered it, hold on, I''ll just call them." Dad said, pulling out his mobile and moving out into the hallway, leaving me slightly uncomfortable with Charlotte and her parents.

    "Dad says if you like he can take us all and give you two some time off." Nasif looks hopefully at Charlotte''s mum, she nods enthusiastically.

    "We would love that if Charlotte is allowed to use the trampolines." He said gratefully.

    "If not, I don''t mind wearing my old leg, it''s okay on the tramps." Charlotte insisted just as my dad returned.

    "They say it''s fine, apparently they have had a number of people use them there and they have no issues." I could see Charlotte breathe a sigh of relief, she obviously was looking forward to playing with her new toy.

    "Well, that''s settled, let''s go make these kids day!" Mrs Patterson said, drying her hands on her apron.

    The reaction from the kids is fairly extreme, ear bursting squealing and lots of running and jumping around. It takes them a few minutes to calm down before they listen to simple requests, get clean socks, put your shoes on and such.

    Once we eventually get their booster seats swapped over and the children strapped in I am fairly exhausted. They are a bit of a handful.

    Perhaps this suggestion wasn¡¯t the greatest, I am amazed Dad is handling it so well.

    ¡°Put on the Aladdin songs!¡± Abdo insists, his sister agreeing vehemently.

    ¡°Sorry guys, we don¡¯t have any Disney songs in the car.¡± I tell them.

    There is a chorus of ¡°Aww!¡± Dad has all his music on mp3 and it is normally on shuffle. I spend a while trying to find anything that young children might like. I briefly consider the monkeys or yellow submarine but then I find the Shrek theme, ¡®Hey now you''re an all star¡¯ which is probably leftover from when I was in a booster seat. The kids are appeased for four minutes, which is almost all we need to get to the tramp park.

    Corralling the kids when we arrive is the next issue, Abdo was rather close to running into traffic as we unhitched his sister. Charlotte is now standing with a hand clutching the neck of his jumper as he strains to get inside.

    ¡°Abdo, I know you¡¯re excited but I¡¯m really close to telling Mr Stevens to take you home and we will go bouncing with Elise.¡± Charlotte threatens, it is amusing to see him go from uncontrolled bouncing off the walls excitement to timid compliance in a fraction of a second.

    He manages all of two minutes being good before the excitement won over again. At least this time we were inside in relative safety. Both he and his sister were running circles around the entryway as we waited in the queue. The nice man at the gate leant past the other adults in the queue and asked ¡°Just the two? Send them in and I will get you shortly.¡±

    ¡°Two plus two teens to look after them.¡± Dad replies.

    ¡°No problem, send them in.¡± The man said, he obviously had done the same for the other adults as there are no other kids in the queue.

    We make our way noisily into the huge warehouse. It¡¯s been years since I was here but not a lot has changed. We have to remind Abdo to take his shoes off as he screams off into the distance.

    ¡°This is going to be weird.¡± Charlotte says as she takes her one shoe and sock off.

    ¡°You can hold my hand for a bit.¡± I tell her, little butterflies forming in my stomach.

    We put our shoes and the kid''s ones into cubby holes and sedately walk out to catch up with the two children, they obviously did not get dad''s safety briefing and are both swimming through the ball pit just now.

    I hop onto the trampoline nearest the ball pit and hold out my hand with a little bow, ¡°Milady?¡± I ask with a serious look on my face.

    She smiles and takes my hand, ¡°Why thank you.¡± she says, mimicking my bow, then she cracks up laughing.

    We step out onto the unstable surface and Charlotte gets this shocked look on her face, ¡°Oh wow that is weird. It pushes my leg less than my blade or something, it''s all out of balance.¡± She makes a grab for my other hand and we stand bouncing ever so slightly whilst she stares at her own legs. Every so slowly she starts bouncing slightly higher, her knee sort of wiggling as if she isn''t sure about putting pressure on that leg. It takes about a minute before we are bouncing high enough that our feet leave the ground, she gives a little ¡®eep¡¯ every time we land and squeezes my hand tighter.

    If you spot this tale on Amazon, know that it has been stolen. Report the violation.

    ¡°Oh god, this feels weird.¡± She says, taking her eyes off her legs and looking at me for the first time since we started bouncing. ¡°So much weirder than walking or running. It¡¯s like it''s pushing that leg harder than my other one but I don''t think it is.¡±

    ¡°Okay, should we try moving around?¡± She nods at my suggestion and I start steering us back and forth with every jump. After a few she lets go of one of my hands and turns so that we are facing the same way. ¡°Bum then up?¡± I ask, again she only nods, I think she possibly doesn''t like this.

    We land on our bums and when we come back up she almost falls over and she leans heavily on me. ¡°Are you okay? Got your feet under you now?¡± I ask, slightly concerned she might just give up.

    ¡°I¡¯m okay, I just got my foot in the wrong place, the physio said it might take a little time to gain perio-perception or something.¡± I give her a confused smile, that''s not a word I know. ¡°I might have said it wrong, it¡¯s where you know where your hand or foot or whatever part of your body is. Like you can touch your nose without being able to see it.¡±

    ¡°Ah, right, so you need to re-learn where the ball of your foot would be without looking at it. That makes sense.¡± I smile at her, ¡°Want to do it again? Practice makes perfect and all.¡±

    ¡°Yeah, this time I¡¯m watching my feet though.¡± This time when we come up she lands perfectly.

    ¡°Knees and up?¡± I suggest.

    This time her foot drags on the fabric of the trampoline and she falls on her face in a fit of giggles, pulling me with her. I join in her laughter, I''m glad she is actually enjoying it and she looks so cute when she laughs.

    I get up and help her up and we try that again, this time managing it with only a slight wobble. ¡°Oh shit, where did those little brats go?¡± Charlotte asks when we get ourselves balanced again.

    We look around and can''t see them anywhere. ¡°I guess we need to go and find them.¡± I suggest and we dismount from the trampoline. We walk the length of the room before finding them, there are sectioned off individual trampolines with basketball hoops and balls which the kids have found and are now comically trying to throw a ball through the hoop whilst bouncing as high as they can.

    Since it just involves jumping up without any acrobatics, Charlotte insists we play with them for a little while. It may not involve acrobatics but four people, even small ones jumping at different times make the trampoline really unpredictable. The fourth time she falls over I call a time out and we leave the kids playing on their own.

    "Oh wow that was hard to stand up, I wasn''t even jumping at the end and I still fell over." Charlotte was a little dejected.

    "How about I buy you a coffee?" I suggest.

    "I would prefer a coke." She admits, philistine.

    We find dad sitting drinking coffee in the little coffee shop and reading a book, an actual physical dead tree book. I haven''t seen him do that in years.

    ¡°All bounced out already?¡± He asks us, hardly glancing up.

    "Just taking a break. Charlotte''s new leg broke her periscope and it makes it hard to stand up." I explain. Dad suddenly looks like he is trying not to sneeze.

    "Perioperception." Charlotte stage whispers to me.

    "Yeah, that''s what I said." I don''t care if it wasn''t and I am certain I have already forgotten that word.

    "Right. Want to buy yourselves a drink?" Dad hands me a fist full of change, still engrossed in his book but now with a stupid smirk on his face.

    "Back soon." I tell Charlotte and go to the counter. The bored waitress is happy to serve me, I don''t like the look of the coffee machine but I order a long black anyway. Perhaps she will surprise me, if not I can act all coffee snob and go back for a cold drink.

    When I return with Charlotte''s coke, still in the can unopened which doesn''t bode well for my coffee, dad has put down his book and is animatedly discussing my stinky feet with my friend. God, why is everything so damned embarrassing just now? I decide I can''t be part of the conversation and return to the counter to watch the waitress work.

    She at least knows how to work the machine, she tamps the coffee properly, does all the heating up palaver with the machine, running water through and wiping it down. Perhaps it won''t be so bad. A few seconds later and my coffee is ready, in a huge white mug and no saucer. Hmm.

    Blissfully aware that they are now discussing my previous love of glittery princess dresses, I return to my seat, "Tell me you didn''t go through a dress-up phase?" I ask Charlotte accusingly.

    "You couldn''t get me out of my unicorn onesie when I was three apparently. I was never a princess though." She says with a smirk.

    "Damnit dad, you couldn''t have told her all of Anne''s embarrassing stories instead?" I complain he doesn''t look chagrined at all.

    "Oh, I have to tell you about the time she found a ''stray'' cat." He uses air quotes, damn it. "It turns out old Mrs Thackeray down the road saw her remove the cat''s collar before carrying it home." I bury my head in my arms and wish he had been hungover this morning.

    "How old was she?" Charlotte asks.

    "Oh, this was last year." I hear him claim.

    "I was five!" I exclaim, he isn''t getting away with that! "And it was only because you had promised me a cat for Christmas and actually bought me Lego!" I hide my anger by taking a long sip of my coffee. It''s okay, nothing special but then nothing I wouldn''t be happy to drink.

    "I think that''s sweet." Charlotte says, still smiling at my expense.

    "Perhaps if you come around some time I can show you some baby photos, really embarrass her!" Dad says.

    I down my almost scalding coffee and get up, "I think I might go play with the kids, at least they are too small to pick on me." I leave them laughing at the table and go to find the little terrors.

    I love my dad, normally. Today though¡­ why? Why is he making fun of me in front of the girl I like. The children are obviously finished with basketball, they now appear to be trying to bounce the furthest off of one of the angled trampolines in a competition with another couple of young children. I wish I had brought my phone, it would make for a cool photo, the little kids sailing through the air, arms waving comically. To hell with it, when in Rome. I get up on the tramp and join in. It is a weird feeling, bouncing backwards, I really want to twist midair and land face down. After a few attempts I try to do a backflip and fail spectacularly, I land in a handstand and get brutally slammed into the trampoline by my momentum. The kids laugh uproariously. "Perhaps don''t try that. It felt fairly dangerous." I tell them. Of course, that makes them both want to try more than ever.

    Fortunately, their sister returns and saves me from their rebellion. She tells them in no uncertain terms and amazingly they listen, even the two strangers.

    "How about we see how high we can bounce?" She suggests, "You can see if you can beat Kelly and me." She then takes my hands and starts bouncing. I can''t help imagining what other embarrassing tales my dad has been telling and I am sure my cheeks are burning. Before long the feeling of my ponytail flying through the air distracts me from my brooding, it whips down at the bottom of every bounce and floats up around my face when we turn. Charlotte''s does the same and it looks cool, like a dark halo at the top of every bounce.

    We eventually get back to trying more acrobatic bounces and she manages to get the hang of it. Well enough at least that she is leading a ''follow the leader'' game for the children.

    "I think it''s time to go guys." She says at the end of the game. "Kelly''s dad will want to go home." There was a chorus of "Aww!" From all four little children but I could tell our two were getting fairly knackered by now.

    "Come on, we can see if dad might buy you an ice cream." I suggest, trying to ease the disappointment. That does seem to make them more enthusiastic.

    We make it home with another round of Shrek. I''m glad the place is so close, I may need to get a kids CD if we are going to take them anywhere in the future. After waving goodbye to Charlotte I turn on dad.

    "Did you have to tell her embarrassing stories about me? I was mortified." I tell him sternly.

    "She loved it. Don''t worry, I''m sure you will get some about her when you spend time with her parents." He is still smiling, he obviously doesn''t realize how embarrassed I am, I don''t know if I''m going to be comfortable facing her tomorrow at swimming.

    I turn my back with a huff and he laughs and turns up the volume on the stereo, obviously less affected by the silent treatment than mum, damn him.

    <hr>

    Swimming is as bad as I expected. Perhaps worse. Not only is Becky flirting with what¡¯s his name but Charlotte is too. To top it all off, I¡¯m losing. What an absolute waste of a Sunday.

    I half-heartedly cheer my team on. I feel so stupid. I had let myself think that there was a chance Charlotte might be into me. As soon as a scantily dressed boy enters the picture I¡¯m dropped like last week''s news.

    The competition goes on way too long and I hardly get to swim because I lost all the early heats. I eventually get cold enough that I grab my clothes from mum and change. Whilst I¡¯m there I just sit down, there¡¯s no point returning to my old seat.

    <hr>

    <blockquote>

    So, my hopes are dashed. Charlotte is interested in boys. I knew I shouldn''t get my hopes up but I guess it just kind of happened. It makes me sad.

    In other news, Susan is dating Jo, god she''s lucky, Jo is just so funny and clever and drop-dead gorgeous, in a butch way that I never thought I would be attracted to. Perhaps I should have made a move last month when I met her. I''m probably a little too young for her though.

    I¡¯m feeling very lethargic, I can''t be bothered doing things just now. Even dad¡¯s electronics projects aren''t catching my interest. All I want to do is sleep.

    </blockquote>

    I think everyone is a bit down, school has been an absolute drag recently and mum has been short with me most of the week, I think she believes I didn''t try hard enough at swimming. Anne has been giving me updates on the bullying campaign some girl is carrying out on her and all of her friends due to befriending Jo. Lucia hasn¡¯t been allowed to hang out with the girls at school because her mum is some kind of religious zealot and the mood at Anne''s movie night is sombre. It feels like someone has died. I guess they are feeling her absence especially poignantly tonight. The choice of film doesn''t help. I can''t believe it''s actually my fault, this movie is dull. I know modern movies are all action-driven and us young''uns can''t go two minutes without a car chase or gunfight but I thought old movies were meant to be dialogue-driven. This one feels like it''s pandering to the cameraman, all artful shots and nothing happening. I''m pretty sure I dozed off for a minute near the end and I don''t think I missed anything!

    At the blessed end of the movie, during which nothing really gets resolved, unless I''m missing something, everyone looks bored. Susan even apologises for her choice, well, I take it as an apology.

    "How about we watch another Bowie classic?" Susan asks, obviously having come prepared, "Labyrinth!" She is holding up the DVD for us to see.

    "You know, apparently there''s a drinking game people do whilst watching this? You drink every time you see Bowie''s ¡­ package, as it were. I think we should do that, cheer and take a slug of our drinks, it''s symbolic!" Jenny suggests. I would certainly be up for some alcohol, even that yucky wine but apparently no. Soft drinks only.

    It still made the film amusing, not that it wasn''t funny already. I wish she had led with this one, then I could have just properly fallen asleep during the main movie.

    When it comes time to draw the next movie Jo''s choice comes out. When Susan admits her paper wasn''t the one pulled last time I see Jo glance in my direction. I give a little head shake and she gladly claims the blame again and somehow picks her own movie from the bag. I really hope it isn''t as dull as tonight''s one.

    I keep quiet as they discuss Anne not being old enough to join them at the pub next year. I won''t be old enough for another five. Hell, the way I''m craving a drink just now I might become an alcoholic before then. I guess craving is too strong a word, I just fancy drowning my sorrows.

    I enjoy the banter they have going, it''s so relaxed and natural. They discuss getting flats together next year and I can imagine that being really nice. I can''t imagine having enough close friends to even host one of these parties, let alone needing multiple flats to house them. It probably doesn''t help that I am really jealous that the boys actually might get to date one of my two best friends. Oh god, I just realised I have more friends that are boys than girls just now, even if I never hang out with them outside of school. Is that odd? Even before meeting Charlotte''s friends, a huge chunk of the people I speak to at school are boys. I think Anne said something about all Jo''s friends being boys too. Is it just easier? Less stressful since I don''t feel I need to impress them?

    I fall asleep doubting myself. It doesn''t make for a good night. The hard ground doesn''t help either.

 08 - All fall down

    <blockquote>

    It''s Anne''s birthday this week and strangely she invited me to her party. I''m not complaining, I do want to go but I don''t know what changed. She still won''t come and support me at the pool but I''m starting to wonder if that is because she feels uncomfortable watching the girls. Almost the opposite of me.

    </blockquote>

    I''m feeling a little bit happier this week and it seems that mum is too, thankfully. Becky and I have been making a point of hanging out with our own friends, it was getting to the point that they felt we had abandoned them.

    I don''t know what''s wrong with me just now, I have this heavy feeling and I just don''t feel like doing things. I want to go out with my sister and her friends but equally, I sort of just want to curl up in bed listening to music or watching movies. It seems like so much effort.

    Even swimming practice, something which I used to look forward to, I have to force myself to go to and once I''m there I have to force myself to compete. I''m thinking about dropping it. If I do then I suspect Becky is going to be so pissed off with me.

    "Catch!" Someone calls a split second before a bag of crisps hits me in the head. I look around and see the boy from swimming waving at me. I forget his name, it could be subconsciously on purpose. I certainly have decided he is my nemesis. I nod in thanks and pick the bag up off the floor, I''m sure it is a nice gesture and all but I don''t like prawn cocktail. I wait until he isn''t looking and pass them to Becky, she eats anything.

    "What was that about?" Becky asks me, to be honest I don''t know. Perhaps an apology for hitting on my friends. I shrug, not really caring.

    Becky narrows her eyes at me, "You know I like him?" I give her a puzzled look, still silent. "If he likes you and not me I''m going to be mad." Oh great.

    She laughs as my head hits the table. "You know I''m not interested?" I ask, head still resting on the cool table.

    "Yes. I still won''t be happy though." She tousles my hair like my parents do.

    "I wish I was allowed to have short hair." I complain, not enjoying people messing up my hair.

    "You would look like a dike." I glare at her. "Okay, maybe not a dyke, just¡­ not as cute."

    I''m not sure I like that. I know she isn''t interested but somehow her calling me cute sparks something. It''s probably just jealousy for Anne getting Abby as a girlfriend. That was all me by the way, why can''t I work out a way to get myself a girlfriend when I can totally manipulate Anne''s friends.

    I set my head back on the table, gently this time. Beck''s pat''s my head like a dog. You know? I''ll take what I can get.

    <hr>

    "Would you be mad if I quit swimming?" I ask mum quietly on the way home. She gives me a look long enough that I''m tempted to grab the steering wheel. "I guess that''s a yes."

    "What brought this on? You love swimming. It''s the only thing you do love!" She is still paying less attention to the road than I like. I shrug and she sighs. "I don''t know Kelly. If you don''t tell me what''s going on then yes. Yes I would be angry."

    I turn away, tears welling up in my eyes. I can''t put it into words. Actually I don''t even know why myself. I just shrug and mum pulls the car over.

    "Kelly. Talk to me. You''ve been brooding for weeks." I don''t think I have. Well¡­ not much.

    "I don''t know. I just¡­ I''m not ¡­ " I shrug.

    Mum turns the car off. Oh god. I bow my head, really not wanting this conversation.

    "Is it¡­ womanly troubles?" Oh god. Don''t go there. Please.

    "I have noticed more needed when we go shopping." Oh god, how did we get onto this. I thought it would slip under the radar.

    "Not really." I mutter, trying to think of a way to sidestep this conversation. "I just, I feel, it''s too much. I don''t like the competitions. Or the routine, I don''t know. I just." I trail off with mum still staring at me.

    "Is there something else going on?" She pierces me with her stare.

    "No?" I didn''t mean it to come out as a question. She''s still looking at me, "I just¡­" I sigh and look away.

    "We paid up until Christmas. If you feel the same way during the school holidays then we can talk again, okay?" I nod, unable to meet her eyes.

    ***

    "I''m thinking about quitting." I tell Becky as we sit at the side of the pool waiting our turn.

    She looks at me with a shocked expression, "You can''t!"

    I frown, "Erm, yes, I can. It''s my life, I can do what I want." I really don''t like being told what to do.

    "But¡­ who would I swim with?" She looks around the pool, right enough, all the other swimmers are sort of boring.

    I shrug, "Charlotte? That boy you like?"

    She gives me this incredulous look, "Andrew?"

    "Maybe." I actually don''t know. I think I have wiped his name from my mind through sheer spite.

    "I think he likes you more than me."

    I give her an incredulous look. "Well he''s clueless. I''m not interested."

    "He''s smart, funny, sexy, he can talk to girls, he likes swimming. I mean, I''m not complaining that you aren''t in the competition but, why? He''s like, the nicest guy in school."

    I look to the heavens, silently asking whatever deity is listening to give me strength. "Because I don''t swing that way." I snap. Oh god. I said it. I get up and run, into the changing rooms and then into the toilets. I lock myself in a stall. I can''t believe I said that. Tears are streaming down my face. I half expect Beck''s to follow me but no. I sit silently for five minutes, the tears eventually stopping. She didn''t come. Oh crap.

    I dry my eyes and get changed before calling mum. "Can you pick me up early? Please?" She sounds worried but agrees.

    When she arrives she asks me what''s wrong but I just tell her I had a fight with Becky. It''s almost true. If she was really my friend she would have come. She would have talked to me.

    Now I know what Anne felt that night. That desperate wish that I could change school. That feeling I have had in my chest for the last few weeks now feels like an anchor, dragging me down into the depths.

    I really don''t want to go to school next week.

    <hr>

    It''s Anne''s birthday.

    I want to talk to her but it would be unfair, loading her with my issues when she is meant to be having fun. I feel like I should be crying all the time. I have cried a lot, way too much.

    I hand Anne my gift and give her a pathetic little smile, it''s all I can manage. I see mums concerned look from across the room. Anne unwraps my gift, makeup. I feel it''s kind of pathetic as gifts go. She doesn''t wear makeup but I thought, perhaps, she might like to dress up for Abby. She thanks me as if it is the best gift ever and I make an excuse to leave. I cry on the toilet again. God I''m pathetic. I''m going to talk to Jo or Susan, certainly not Abby because it would get back to Anne.

    I manage to get myself together, we are going for burgers with the girls and having red eyes would be super embarrassing. I really want to stay home but mum really wouldn''t like that. I use some foundation to try and cover the puffy eyes. It doesn''t work but I guess it''s better than nothing.

    Mum gives me a suspicious look as I return but dad is taking us to the burger joint. We pick Abby up on the way and I''m pretty sure she has pulled all the stops, she''s looking pretty hot. She is wearing makeup and as nice an outfit as you could wear ice skating, it''s not like she could wear a dress.

    When we arrive I am rather disappointed. There''s a boy. I shouldn''t judge but I was hoping Jo had been right back when I first met her, obviously someone likes boys though.

    I sit quietly, listening to the conversation but not joining in. Nobody seems to notice I''m not talking much which suits me fine. I really don''t feel like I have anything to add to the group today. I pick at my food, I only ordered chips where some of them, especially the boy, ordered enough to feed an army. The chips aren''t even that good.

    Somehow the boy has inhaled all his food and polished off the leftovers from everyone else''s plate. I don''t understand where it all went, there must have been almost half his weight in food pushed down his throat. If he eats like this all the time why isn''t he super fat?

    Since the food is gone there is an easy consensus that it must be skating time. I''m not sure why I''m not excited, normally I love ice skating and this time it''s with a group of cool, interesting, pretty girls who talk to me. I find myself sighing as I pick up the skates.

    "Hey, cool docs!" Oh god, of all the people to notice my cool new shoes, it''s the boy.

    "Thanks." I say halfheartedly.

    "I wanted a pair but my mum won''t let me. Says I would ruin them. Brian by the way."

    I nod as he introduces himself. "Kelly. You can''t ruin Docs, they''re almost indestructible." I tell him, I have yet to test this claim but I am told they last forever.

    "That''s what I told mum but she says I can''t wear them to school either so I''m not allowed them." I look over and notice that he does appear to be wearing his shitty school shoes too.

    "Unlucky. I could wear mine but I choose to keep them for outside school." It''s one of the benefits of not having a school uniform that I love. Actually, the only reason school uniforms are good is that the girls look cute in them.

    He looks like he wants to talk more but I cut him off, possibly quite rudely. "I''m going out on the ice." And then I just leave. I don''t even know why I did that, he was nice, it wasn''t like he was flirting with me or anything. I step onto the ice and run, I go as fast as I can possibly go. I don''t want people to dance with me, or talk to me, I just want to be alone. The thoughts running through my head are on a loop. It''s like a dog worrying a bone. I can''t seem to get myself not to think about last Sunday, then I think about all the ways my next meeting with Becky could go wrong. I think about Anne and the bullying, about my conversation with Jo where she told me kids can be pricks. Is it going to be all around school by Monday? Then I think about why I said it and how it could all have gone differently, why Becky didn''t come to talk. Round and round and round. It was the same last night, I don''t know if I slept, it didn''t feel like it.

    I see my sister making a beeline towards me and I push myself faster, running away. I pretend that I''m strong, even to myself but I''m not. I can''t do this.

    I get off the ice and hide in the toilets. I don''t want to be here. I can''t believe I''m even thinking that, if I had known I would get this invite a few months ago I would have bitten off my left arm to come. Now look at me.

    When finally I work up the courage to face them again I find them all standing in the foyer. God I hope they aren''t looking for me, that''s just what I need, ruining my sister''s birthday because I slunk off to cry in the toilet.

    I sneak up behind and find Mae, "What''s going on?" I whisper.

    "Some girl has been knocking us over, she''s intentionally targeting our group. You didn''t get knocked down did you?" Mae obviously didn''t notice my absence. I am both pleased and upset by that. At least I''m not in trouble.

    "So, what are they doing?" I ask her. Tempted to just go out on the ice and thump this girl, it would be nice to just let go of all my tension with a few good fists to someone''s face.

    "The manager is sorting it out, I think. I''m pretty sure I''m going out on the ice with Susan to act as bait so that he can catch her." She doesn''t look concerned. Perhaps she is just super confident in her skating, or her ability to fall over without hurting herself. I have another brief racist thought which disgusts me, wondering if Mae knows martial arts, as if all people of Asian descent learn Kung Fu.

    <hr>

    In the end, it all gets handled in a very grown-up and sensible fashion, I think my way would have been more satisfying though. It even managed to break my thought loop for a short time. Eventually, though, we get a bit more time on the ice, the girl who was knocking the girls down gets her parents called and everything goes back to normal.

    It''s a scary reminder that bullying can happen anywhere, not just at school. We''re just lucky no one was hurt and that it was in a public place. Hell, that girl is old enough to drive I think, she could just as easily have decided to knock us all down with a car.

    "You okay Kelly?" Anne asks me out of the blue.

    "Yeah, she didn''t hit me at all." Anne takes my comment as I meant her to, as if I weren''t bothered psychologically by the incident. Let''s face it, I''m fucked up already, it''s a drop in the ocean.

    <hr>

    I have managed to avoid Becky for three days. Not a simple task considering the number of classes we share. She doesn''t seem to be trying really hard to talk to me either though. I''ve been sitting at the opposite side of the class from her and leaving at almost a run as soon as the bell rings.

    She hasn''t messaged me, I suspect that speaks volumes.

    I have been eating my lunch on the way to the library each day, that''s where I''ve been spending my breaks and lunches. I''m avoiding Charlotte too. Mainly because Becky hangs out with her but also because I don''t want to explain my sudden aversion to all things Becky. Fortunately, my other friends talk to me, not that I have been hanging out with them much, I don''t feel much like chatting.

    I hacked the computers, in fact, I hacked the entire student directory. On the first day I tried. On the first break. It was so easy that it wasn''t fun, someone left the build server file share unprotected, it has a file in there with a standard password for local admin on every computer they build, in clear-text. It turns out they reused that password as the administrator password for the domain. I reactivated a deleted user account and changed some details, reset his password and then granted him delegation rights. Now, even if they change the main password, I can just fire up that user and create myself a new admin account.

    I may have also deleted a few detention records from my own folder, and from the backups, and from shadow copy. I''m halfway thinking about securing their network for them now that I''m in. It would at least give me something to do.

    Mae knows something is up with me. She is here almost as often as me. I checked her file on the computer, she actually is the goody two shoes she seems to be. That or she also hacked the computers.

    I''m tempted to get her to introduce me to the geek clubs she is a member of. Not seriously tempted, just bored enough that the thought goes through my head.

    Stolen content warning: this content belongs on Royal Road. Report any occurrences.

    The shit is going to hit the fan tomorrow though, mum is working late. She''s going to expect to pick me up from Becky''s.

    <hr>

    I really hadn''t expected a day after dismissing Mae¡¯s extracurricular hobbies as too geeky I find myself pleading with her to join.

    "Please Mae, just this once?" She has a debating thing which meets after school which could get me out of going to Becky''s house. For some reason, she doesn''t seem to want me as a member though.

    "I don''t know what this thing is you have going on with all your friends but I don''t want to be involved. Not even tangentially." God Mae likes using big words. I assume from context that means a little.

    "If you don''t I''m just going to hang out at school and get mum to pick me up outside. It''s not like it will change the outcome. I just might mean I keep warm and learn something whilst doing it." I am appealing to her inner geek. I also don''t want to hang around outside, it''s really cold.

    "Fine but you''re actually going to debate. I''m not letting you sit on the sidelines." She rummages in her bag and pulls out a plastic slip folder from which she pulls a sheet of paper. "You are arguing for funding of faith schools." She hands me the paper and I have a quick look.

    "Oh god no! Why do I have to argue for them? After this whole thing with Lucia how could I argue for state funding of faith schools?" I can''t believe she would do this. She is absolutely trying to discourage me from going, and it''s working.

    "That''s my requirement, you want to attend then that''s what you need to do." She gives me an evil smile as she walks away.

    Right, I guess I need some arguments in the for category. I get back on the computer and do some google-fu, hating every second of it.

    <hr>

    "I put to you that under a quarter of the schools in Britain are non-religious. If we were to drop funding this leaves schools with a choice, stop religious education as part of their curriculum or start charging parents for tutoring. I am of the belief that this would cause two serious issues: a drop in the standards of education in underfunded, poorer religious communities and a temporary but serious pressure on the quarter of the schools who are funded to take new students, again likely lowering the overall quality of education." I at least found some non-religious reasons for retaining funding. "I also make note that there are more students in schools claiming to be of the Anglican church than the entire Anglican congregation as registered in last year''s census. As such, I propose an expansion instead of new state-run schools to offer an alternative to religious establishments which may be the closest or even only viable schools which people have in a town or suburb."

    "Have you considered pressurising the schools by a gradual decrease in funding?" My opponent asks.

    "I have, and though that may gradually allow pupils to move to state-funded faith agnostic schools, this will not change some parents'' insistence on religious education. This is evidenced by the number of unregulated Muslim schools, these schools currently educate one hundred thousand students each year. They are also not vetted as to their teachings, I posit that this would eventually become the norm in religious schooling."

    "Are you aware that religious schools across the country almost all have less low socio-economic students than state-run schools? How do you rationalise funding these schools the same as the atheist schools with poorer students?" I was looking forward to this one.

    "I propose the removal of tax credits to churches as charitable institutions. The English church for instance generates one billion pounds of revenue each year, most of which is used to fund the church, not to help its practitioners." That has been an argument I have had for years.

    We go on like this for a few minutes, filling out allotted time and somehow I win the debate whilst also not having to argue something that goes against my worldview. For the first time this week, I feel invigorated, oh shit, I am a geek. Perhaps I should join the Dungeons and Dragons crowd too. I wonder if there are any hot girls that play tabletop games? Actually, I wonder if there are any girls?

    "Well done. I honestly didn''t expect you to be that good. I was really just trying to push you into talking to your friend." Mae tells me, it''s nothing I didn''t realise. "You should come back next fortnight. I could give you a topic you might like better this time?"

    "I think I would rather keep it casual. I can''t tell when mum will be early after all." It''s a cop-out, I''m quitting swimming so I''m sure mum would be happy to swap days, especially if it''s only once a fortnight.

    I listen to the rest of the debates, some of the people are really bad at this. I guess it''s all about research and confidence, this is all ¡®one Vs one¡¯ debates tonight but Mae tells me they do have longer team events. I think I prefer the short format though I can see the appeal for some of those poor stammering fools I''ve been listening to.

    I''m pleased when mum picks me up, another full day avoiding Becky. Just thinking about that gives me a lump in my throat. God, I miss her.

    Mum insists that I run through my debate, she seems unreasonably proud of me. Either that or she thinks I''m lying to her, which I guess I sort of am. She seems interested in the subject though, probably because she has one girl in a non-religious school and another in a Church of England run school. Anyway, it passes the time whilst we drive home and distracts me from my never-ending thought loop. It''s like a recursive for loop in programming, I just can''t break out.

    "Heya we''re home!" Mum calls as we enter the house.

    "Just in time, dinner is almost ready." Dad says, accompanied by a clatter of dishes in the kitchen. Mum immediately goes to help and I sneak off to my room.

    As I pass Anne''s bedroom I see her laying on the bed, staring blankly at the ceiling. "That bad a day?" I ask her, halfway considering a segway to my own issues.

    "Dad made me a spy cam on the weekend after the ice-rink thing." She said, not looking at me.

    "I know, I was there." I stare at her in puzzlement.

    "Lucia got pushed down the stairs. I wasn''t there." She says, still talking to the ceiling.

    "Is she okay?" I ask, genuinely shocked and concerned, I like Lucia.

    "She''s in hospital with broken bones. She could have died." I cover my mouth with my hand. I don''t know why people do that but it''s my first reaction. I can''t speak, that heavy feeling is back in my stomach.

    "It''s all my fault." She says, I know differently. She didn''t start this, it was all me being a manipulative cow.

    "Did anyone see?" I manage to choke out.

    "She was alone, they don''t know how long she lay on the ground before the teacher found her, struggling to breathe. She''s got a concussion too." I see a tear leak out of Anne''s eye and suddenly they are streaming down my face too.

    I hug her for what seems like a lifetime. Her laying lifeless on the bed, not returning my hug, me crouched by the bed and holding on for dear life. It seems petty now, the thoughts of my own troubles.

    "Girls! Dinner!" Mum calls. We dry our eyes and Anne moves for the first time.

    "Have you told dad?" I ask her before we leave her bedroom.

    "No, I''m not sure I should. I don''t want them to pull me from school." It makes sense to me, it wouldn''t be fair on the girls she leaves behind.

    We spend a minute at her mirror, tidying up our faces and hiding the traces of tears using the makeup I gave her as a present.

    Dinner is quiet and neither of us eats much. I feel really bad because dad cooked enchiladas and I''m sure they are wonderful but I just have no interest in food.

    After dinner we both go to our rooms, I''m sure it looked odd to our parents, invasion of the body snatchers odd, but neither one comes to check on us and I''m left with another thought to add to the repeating track in my head.

    <hr>

    <blockquote>

    Someone just pushed Lucia down the stairs at school, all because of what I started. If Anne hadn''t made friends with Jo. She could have died. That guilty feeling is back. I actually cried last night, I don''t know what to do, I don''t think there is anything I can do. Dad made Anne a spy cam for her backpack. He told me it was just to make her feel better but it makes it feel real, like it might happen to my sister.

    </blockquote>

    I put my diary away, somehow it helps, I never thought I would be the type to pour my heart out to a book but at times like this, just admitting how scared I am for the friends I see once a month and of course my sister, it makes me feel a little better.

    I like Lucia, when Anne told me her mum was so anti-gay I couldn''t believe it, Lucia obviously doesn''t share her mother''s bigotry. I actually didn''t realize it was still a thing, the modern pro-gay rights movement is really helping but obviously there are still people who would rather we not exist.

    I drag my heels getting ready and mum is hugely impatient, somehow going to school today just doesn''t feel right, as if I should be cowering in a corner.

    "Will you get a move on? Just take your shoes and put them on in the car." Mum really isn''t patient this time of the morning.

    I throw all my stuff in my bag and carry my hairbrush and shoes to the car. Mum truly is in a rush, she backs out of the drive as soon as my door closes and the tires squeal as she pulls away.

    "You know we aren''t even one minute late?" I ask her dejectedly whilst putting on my seatbelt as the car tings its warning bell. She just grunts at me. I''m not sure why she is annoyed, it could be something I have done or perhaps she heard about Lucia¡¯s fall and is pissed that Anne didn''t tell her. Perhaps it''s just PMS.

    We drive in silence, not even playing music today, mum really must be mad. I try to be unobtrusive whilst brushing my hair and putting on my shoes. Honestly, it would have taken me all of two minutes to do at home. I pass the time by staring out the window, not wanting to make mum even angrier somehow. I guess this is how dad built his resistance to the silent treatment!

    According to dad this morning I have been distant all week, at least he noticed.

    <hr>

    I feel even worse now. I seem to be spending most of my life in bed but somehow I haven''t been sleeping. We just had an HPV jab. That in itself is nothing special but of course, I had to do my research into what they were injecting us for. Don''t get me wrong, my newly added anxiety isn''t from the injection, no I am bricking myself over what the national health system thinks they are going to do to me once I become ''sexually active''. There is no fucking way a stranger is peering into my vagina. No. Not in your lifetime. God damn it, it''s probably four or five years away and already every time I think about it my heart rate rises and I start to panic.

    Fuck them, I''m just not registering at a doctor''s. They can go fuck themselves.

    <hr>

    I manage two more weeks without Becky and two very boring weekends. I don''t even know why now, that particular drama has sunk into the recesses of my psyche and my thoughts are mainly on other things, primarily on my older friends and the danger they are in. I have taken to makeup to hide the black rings under my eyes, worse still I am covered in spots. Mum says it''s the time I spend in bed but it''s probably the foundation I use daily.

    "I''m getting worried about you now Kelly." Mae says, sitting at my little table in the library. "It''s not like you, hiding in the library. That''s my thing."

    "Yeah, emulation is the greatest form of flattery." I mumble, half-heartedly reading my borrowed chemistry textbook.

    "You have to face her sometime." She tells me, as if she knows why I''m here.

    "Nope. Don''t." I mumble my disagreement.

    "Want to explain the situation? Perhaps I can help?" She leans forward, well inside my personal space.

    "Not a chance." I say clearly.

    She gets up, blessedly leaving me alone. Then she leaves the room walking with purposeful strides. Oh shit. I just realised where she''s off to.

    I pack my books away hurriedly and take off at a run but the librarian shouts at me, she makes me stand still for what seems like the entire remainder of the break. When she finally releases me she insists I walk, not even speed walk, and she stands at the door to ensure I am walking all the way down the corridor. She''s in cahoots with Mae, I swear she is.

    By the time I get to the canteen, I am too late. Mae is there and is already talking to Becky, I hang back at the edge of the room, ready to flee but too concerned at what might be said. There are a lot of words being said but I can''t hear any of them, the boys sure seem interested though.

    Mae looks around and I drop into a nearby seat, confusing the fourth years sitting at the table. It works though, she misses me in the crowd, then she pulls Becky out of her seat to her disgust, I can just imagine the words coming out of Becky''s lips as she briefly protests the manhandling. She wasn''t looking for me, at least I don''t think she was, it seems like she was looking for a quiet place to shout.

    I sneak closer, going from table to table when their backs are turned until I am so close I can hear the stage whispers. Oh god, I''m done for. Everyone in school can hear this conversation.

    "So, tell me about the boy." Mae starts, she''s guessing, I haven''t told her anything but I suppose most best friends fall out over boys.

    "It''s not about a boy." Good girl Becky, tell her nothing. "Not really." I groan and bury my head in my arms and groan.

    "No, not really, but that started it didn''t it?" Mae is good at this interrogation thing. I think she must watch a lot of crime dramas.

    "I just told her he was into her." Becky states, crossing her arms.

    "But she was very much not into him?" Mae surmised.

    "You could say that." Becky admitted, somewhat quieter than before.

    "And you didn''t like who she is into, did you?" I was straining to hear now, which was good, really good.

    "No." Becky admitted. I knew it, she''s a homophobe.

    "And it made you mad at her?" Mae asked, obviously not quite making the intuitive leap, thankfully.

    "Not mad, just embarrassed." Becky corrected her.

    "Mmm-hmm?" Mae was just hoping she would tell her now. I could see it happening and it made me cringe.

    "Well, I don''t feel that way about her." Wait, what, rewind that a second. Becky thinks I was saying I fancied her! Oh shit.

    "I''m sure she understands. Do you want me to talk to her about it?" I whip my head around, I''m not sure I can let them take this any further.

    I get up from my seat and approach them, taking them both by the hand, "Come here you idiots, we need somewhere not surrounded by the entire school." I lead them out, getting a few turned heads doing so.

    I don''t speak, or let go, until we are at the furthest edge of the playing field, with a view a hundred meters each side and nobody anywhere in earshot.

    "I do not fancy you, you twat!" I tell Becky, whacking her up the side of the head.

    "Well, why would you run away?" She asks me, Mae takes a step back, seeing my murderous intent.

    "Because I just told the first person who matters something very personal!" I want to hit her, I really do.

    "So you don''t fancy me? Why not?" That makes me burst out laughing.

    "I just don''t. It probably helps that I know you are so firmly hetro that you can''t even imagine my point of view." I turn away, a little frustrated at the turn the conversation has taken.

    "So...Is this your girlfriend?" She asks, pointing at Mae.

    "What? No! This is Abby''s friend. She saw me hiding in the library." Mae looked a little dejected. "Not that I wouldn''t love to go out with you Mae, you are really nice and really cute." I tell her, trying not to offend, "I''m sorry, but I think I''m probably just too young for her." Mae''s face is a picture, she looked like she would complain I wasn''t interested and now she doesn''t seem to know what to say to my admission that I think she is cute. "I''m fairly sure she likes boys though."

    "So¡­ Charlotte?" Becky asks, clutching at straws.

    "Charlotte doesn''t seem interested, she was chatting up swimboy at the competition the other week." I tell her, not meaning to let out that I was interested in her.

    Becky''s face gets that lightbulb moment, "You were jealous! Holy crap, I wondered why you ditched us." She looks at Mae, "And she threw her heats so she didn''t have to sit with us."

    I wish I had, reality was I just swam terribly. I turn to walk away in embarrassment but Becky catches me. "How do you know she isn''t interested in you? She wasn''t chatting him up, she was just chatting. He''s been her friend for years."

    "Just drop it, please? I''ve given up. None of our friends are dating, nobody we know is gay, put the two together Becky. I can just not date and it will be far easier." She is looking at me like I''m something stuck to her shoe. Something both sticky and stinky.

    "But now that we know! We can find out who''s gay, you can''t just not date, it''s high school!" She wails.

    I look surreptitiously at Mae, knowing she hadn''t dated anyone in high school and it was her final year. "I can and will not date. It''s too painful and too embarrassing."

    "Not to mention, I''m pretty sure Lucia is switching schools. It would be really bad if we couldn''t talk to her too." Mae says, backing me up.

    "Who is Lucia?" I forgot I hadn''t mentioned ''the incident'' to Becky since we weren''t talking.

    "Anne''s friend-"

    "And mine!" Mae cuts in. "Her mum is really anti-gay so she isn''t allowed to talk to Susan and Jo anymore and she can''t come to movie night."

    Becky looks at me for clarification, "Susan is Lucia''s best friend and Susan just started dating Jo, a girl from their class." I explain quickly.

    "Is this what turned you gay?" Becky asks. Now I really want to hit her, I think she sees that because she backs away.

    "I have always been gay Rebecca."

    "Oh, right¡­" I''m fairly sure now she is thinking of all the times we were naked together.

    "So, her friends being gay is enough for her parents to send her to a new school? That seems fairly extreme." I suspect Becky is hoarding the nudity question until we are alone.

    "Someone pushed her down the stairs and she broke a few bones. Her mum is using that as a reason to move her." Mae tells her.

    Becky''s eyes widen, "Shit, I thought this school was meant to be the rough one."

    "Damn, the bell is about to ring. How about we discuss this at second break?" It''s nice, being able to talk again.

    "What about Chaz." Becky asked.

    "You shortened her name? I am not calling her that, it sounds like some eighties Australian soap character." Mae laughs at my comment.

    Becky looks insulted. "You shorten my name all the time. Anyway, it''s better than Lotte!" She argues as we walk back to the school.

    "I think I''m going to stick to Charlotte, I like that way better." I tell her.

    "I concur." Mae agrees in a weird way, as if she were debating.

    "My question was, what do we tell ''Charlotte''? I assume you don''t want to tell her the truth, she will want a reason though." Becky reiterates I choose to believe this means she conceded the name change was dumb.

    "What did you tell her?" I had assumed she just told her everything, obviously, my opinion of Becky was pretty low.

    "I told her it was private between us and I couldn''t tell her without your permission." Yep, Becky is a better friend than I had thought, certainly better than I deserve. "She will want to know though."

    Just then the bell rang, forestalling any further conversation. "Library at break then?" I suggest as we go our separate ways.

 09 - Release

    We decided to tell her we argued about me leaving swimming. She isn''t going to believe it, especially because I''m sure she heard the conversation in the canteen. Even if she didn''t, why would Becky tell her that was private. I was overruled by Becky though, admittedly I didn''t try hard to persuade her as I couldn''t think up a better lie.

    Now I''m sat at the same table as my friend, listening to Becky telling her a bare faced lie and I can see that she isn''t buying it. I really feel guilty lying to her.

    "So, you aren''t coming back to swimming?" Charlotte asks me directly.

    "No." I say with a little shake of my head.

    "Why?" I am thankful she skipped the whole, why fight about it thing, though perhaps that is coming.

    "I just found that I like swimming, I just don''t like swimming competitively." As soon as I say that I realise I haven''t swam since that night. Charlotte is frowning.

    "So, it''s laziness? You just don''t want to work at it?" Of course, she''s planning to go to the olympics, I guess it would look that way. Perhaps she actually believes the lie since she might feel like not talking to me herself.

    "I just haven''t been enjoying the competitions, or hanging around for evening practice." I''m being honest this time but she looks at me with this¡­ weird disgusted look.

    "Well, I think you should go away and think about that. I think it''s a mistake." She gets up from the table, she doesn''t look happy with me and she shakes her head as she walks away.

    "Shit." Becky swears as she watches her go. "That could have gone better."

    I get up and run after Charlotte. Fortunately Becky doesn''t follow me. I catch up with her outside in the carpark. "Charlotte!" I call to her, she stops and waits. "I''m sorry." I say as I come up beside her. "That wasn''t the whole truth, can we sit down for a minute?"

    We sit at the far side of the carpark. "But it is the truth?" She asks.

    "Yeah. But I''ve been a bit down, since before I fought with Becky, little things are just piling up and I don''t know. I just get sad." I haven''t told anyone that yet, I hadn''t meant to tell her.

    "So, what''s got you depressed?" She asks, not exactly warmly.

    "It''s dumb. It started with chemistry, I can''t blow stuff up." She frowns but I don''t let her interrupt, "I had this thing I was doing, trying to work out a way of accidentally on purpose making something explode. I thought it would be easy but it turns out the whole nanny state school system means we''re not using any chemicals that react rapidly and energetically enough."

    "Well duh!" She says, rolling her eyes.

    "Yeah well, it started with that, then my sister''s friends started getting bullied and mum was mad at me for some reason and then I accidentally told Becky I''m gay and then Lucia got pushed down the stairs and some pervert doctor probably wants to look in my vag." It all kind of flowed together. I don''t know if she even understood me. She certainly sat for a long time not saying anything.

    "Have you got a sexually transmitted dIsease?" She asked eventually.

    My mouth unhinged, "What? No!"

    "Why do they want to look in your pussy then?" She asks.

    "They don''t. Not yet. Apparently they do when you''re eighteen." I stammer.

    "Oh. Yeah." She nods. "You don''t have to if it really bothers you though. They say it might save your life."

    "Well, I''m happy taking the risk." I tell her, "and I don''t really want to talk about that."

    "Okay, so you''re depressed and you think stopping swimming would help. You know they say exercise is good for depression?" Did she miss the gay part? "It certainly helps me."

    "What?" I ask her stupidly.

    "You don''t think I get depressed? That day when I broke my blade? Holy shit that was a big trigger for me, a huge high then a crushing low. You helped. A lot." I look at her like she just told me the moon was made of cheese. "What?" She asked at my dumb look.

    "Sorry, you just seem so¡­ together. I didn''t imagine." I guess now that I think about it, she does have a lot going on in her life.

    "Message me after school? Or call me, we can talk. I was a bit worried when you cut me off." She says, getting up and brushing off her trousers.

    "I figured Becky would have told you and you might not want to talk to me." I say, I''m rather embarrassed about cutting ties like that. "You could have messaged me though."

    "Yeah, we''re both idiots. I can understand why you would think that. I am a little ticked off by the way. You shouldn''t quit swimming." I think she is intentionally ignoring the gay cat that came out of the colourful bag.

    "And about the other thing?" I ask.

    Her eyes narrow, "It''s not news. Not to me anyway. I''m probably happier just leaving it as friends just now though."

    Oh my god. I think my brain just exploded. She knew. "Since when?" I really want to ask where people get these gaydar things installed. Hell, I might even consider spreading my legs to a stranger for that¡­ nah, who am I kidding.

    "Well, sometimes the looks you give me are¡­ not platonic. I wasn''t sure but, I was fairly sure. It certainly didn''t surprise me." Charlotte shrugged and I walked her the rest of the way to her next class. As I leave her I stop in the middle of the corridor, other students jostling me because I''m in the way, what did she mean ¡®just now¡¯?

    <hr>

    "Mum?" I turn the music down a little so she can hear me.

    "Yeah?" She asks with a smile.

    "Do you think they might let me swim only one night a week?" I ask hopefully, Charlotte''s comment about exercise fresh in my mind.

    She glances at me, "I can ask. I don''t see why not."

    "Do you think perhaps I could only go to some of the competitions too?" I really am feeling overwhelmed by the number of days I miss due to swimming.

    "Well, we can but ask, can''t we." She says happily, I guess she gets those same days back too.

    I turn the music back up and sit quietly for a while before making a decision. I turn the music back down.

    "Mum?"

    "Yeah?"

    "You know how Susan is going out with Jo?" I ask probingly.

    "Yes." She says in one of those ''what''s this about?'' tones.

    "Are you okay with that?" I ask hesitantly.

    "Of course honey. People can''t help who they are attracted to. Why? Does it make you uncomfortable?"

    I laugh, "No." I tell her and turn up the music again, having slightly lost my nerve.

    We stop at the shops on the way home for ingredients for tonight''s dinner. Mum and I sneak a chocolate bar with the promise not to tell Anne or dad. We sit on the car bonnet and eat them to ensure we don''t get chocolate on the seats.

    "Mum?"

    She sighs, "Yes?"

    "Erm¡­" my heart is trying to escape out of my throat. "Mum?"

    "What?" She asks a little exasperated.

    "Would you mind if I was gay?" I squeak out.

    She looks at me for a second, "Are you asking my permission?"

    I worry my lip a little. "Mum."

    She smiles at me and gives me a big hug. "Mum, I think I''m gay." She hugs me tighter and tells me it''s okay. "Erm¡­ Mum?"

    "Yes honey?" She says, still hugging me.

    "I said think, I kind of meant¡­ know. I''ve known for years." She strokes my hair and the feeling of my heart straining slowly recedes. "Can we not tell dad?"

    "That''s okay honey." She says, rocking me slightly.

    After dinner I go to bed, this time though, I sleep. I sleep the sleep of the dead. Oh how I missed sleep.

    <hr>

    I¡¯m not exactly happy when I wake up, but then again I don''t feel bone tired either so, win I guess? I am awake early so I message Charlotte, hoping she might be up, she doesn''t get back to me so I guess not. I don''t contact Becks, I don''t know why but she doesn''t seem like the person I need to talk to right now.

    I look out the window and it''s snowing. Wow. It melts as soon as it hits the ground but it gives the back garden a really christmassy feel.

    I¡¯m ready for school and have eaten breakfast about an hour early. Mum is amazed.

    ¡°Why don''t you go take a walk in the snow?¡± She suggests, obviously wanting me out from under her feet. I shrug and go get my coat, why not? It does look really nice.

    The snow makes the neighbourhood almost spooky, it''s still quite dark and the streetlights have a weird halo where the light bounces off the snow. It is absolutely silent too, I don''t know if the snow is muffling any sound or if it''s always this quiet in the morning, I don''t tend to walk the streets at this time of the morning to find out.

    I end up walking all the way around the block, the cold making my breath fog in the morning air and my uncovered fingers tingle. I stop when I get home, not quite ready to go back in. I look up at the sky and watch as the big fluffy flakes stream past like stars at warp nine. Yep, I¡¯m a geek, I snigger to myself at the thought, perhaps that isn¡¯t such a bad thing.

    I really just want to sit on our old swing in the back garden and watch the snow but everything is wet. I really have to do this again when the snow finally decides to lie.

    <hr>

    ¡°I¡¯m sorry I didn¡¯t answer your message, I had squads this morning.¡± Charlotte explains when I meet her at school. Becky is late so I have a few minutes sitting on the wet wall with my friend to chat. The snow is less magical in the daylight and with all the cars plowing through the slight slush that has formed.

    ¡°It¡¯s okay, I went for a walk in the snow.¡± To tell the truth I am glad she didn''t reply, I doubt I would have gone out if she had and I would have missed that experience.

    ¡°They say walking is good for depression. I think swimming is better though. You should come to squads with me.¡± She really is selling the swimming.

    ¡°I can''t get to the pool that early. I could if I took the public bus but I''m not allowed. Especially that early.¡± I sigh without meaning to and she looks at me.

    ¡°Perhaps you need to talk to your mum? Ask her to trust you. It''s only a bus, I use them all the time, you could get one of the new cards, tag on and off, that way you don¡¯t need cash.¡± I nod, fully intending to talk to her tonight.

    ¡°Anne has been allowed to use the bus since she was my age, I don''t see why I¡¯m not.¡± I feel like I''m whining so I take a deep breath. ¡°It would be nice to be able to swim without relying on my parents to ferry me.¡±

    Support the creativity of authors by visiting the original site for this novel and more.

    ¡°Banana?¡± She says, offering me one. I frown, thinking it an odd thing to do. ¡°They have potassium, it''s meant to help release some kind of hormone that improves your mood.¡±

    ¡°Oh. Okay then, thanks.¡± I take the fruit and crack it open. ¡°I¡¯ve always thought there was something a bit lewd about bananas, especially after that youtube video. Have you seen the Shyma music video where she eats things suggestively? Apparently she was arrested for making it.¡± I ask, looking to change the subject now.

    ¡°What? But there are so many music videos where they basically have sex on camera, why would she be arrested for that?¡± Charlotte asks incredulously.

    ¡°Egypt.¡± I say, as if that explains everything. ¡°Unfortunately the music is awful. Well, not my taste anyway.¡±

    ¡°Wow, I¡¯m glad I live in the UK.¡± Charlotte says, echoing my own sentiment.

    ¡°You know bananas are radioactive?¡± I ask, continuing the meandering nature of our conversation.

    <hr>

    <blockquote>

    Christmas wasn''t as bad as I thought it was going to be. I suck at buying presents, I wander around the shops and just can''t think what other people may want so I end up getting stuff I think might not go to waste. The only gift I put real thought into was Charlotte¡¯s, she got a tennis racquet so that we can play together once the weather gets better. I was trying to think of something to let her know I appreciated her friendship though so¡­ perhaps it still sucks.

    </blockquote>

    With nothing to take my mind off things I find myself slipping back into my dark moods. I have to work on doing things and talking to people. I¡¯ve never been really good at the talking part. Myself and Becky still aren¡¯t as close as we were, I think she doesn''t like that I only go swimming with her once a week now but whatever the reason, we haven''t talked or hung out at all during the holiday yet. I think she¡¯s also annoyed that I do go swimming once a week with Charlotte. Mum has finally loosened the reins and allowed me on the busses as long as I tell her where I am going and text her when I arrive. I really prefer early morning swimming, it doesn''t eat my whole day.

    ¡°Ready to try this 3D printer?¡± My dad calls from downstairs. He and I got a combined christmas present from mum and we have been putting it together for the last week. It¡¯s something I actually enjoy and dad seems really enthusiastic too.

    ¡°Coming!¡± I yell and bomb down the stairs at top speed, we had been waiting for the Raspberry Pi software to install and dad has been watching it whilst I tidy my bedroom¡­ Well, that''s what I was meant to be doing.

    This thing is cool, dad got a friend at work to print a bunch of the parts we need for the initial setup, things that hold the motors and rods with bearings and then we have all this aluminium extrusion forming the frame. It''s just like a giant really complicated lego set. Dad has even been showing me how to solder.

    ¡°So, do you want to do the honours?¡± Dad asks me, offering to allow me to turn it on for the first time. I grin and flick the toggle switch.

    ¡°No blue smoke, that''s a good sign.¡± I say watching as the raspberry pi boots up, code scrolling rapidly up the screen. Its pretty fast to boot and we are left with a black screen.

    ¡°I thought it was meant to have a touch screen interface?¡± I ask dad, its a little bit disappointing.

    ¡°Patience grasshopper.¡± Dad says, going to the laptop and connecting to the Pi.

    It takes us about half an hour to get the screen going, it''s pretty complex and frustrating. The touch settings are different from the screen so even once we get the cute little octopus on screen the buttons are not in the same orientation as the touch screen and everything is done with a text editor.

    Once we get it working we plug in the printer and suddenly we have movement! ¡°Yes!¡± I scream, jumping up and down. ¡°Let''s print something!¡±

    ¡°Hmm, patience you must learn padawan.¡± Dad says, doing his Yoda impression. ¡°Test the functions we must.¡±

    We spend another half hour setting the bed leveling, end stops and checking all the other settings, there is more measuring than I had expected. To be honest, if dad hadn¡¯t been pushing this project forwards, it likely would have been shoved under my bed and never looked at again!

    ¡°I think we might be ready to print something. I think the smallest of the remaining printer parts?¡± Dad says at last. The printer is running at the moment with the very least possible parts, dad called it the minimum viable product or something. It looks extremely janky though, lots of exposed parts and cables.

    We load the 3D print file using the computer, mainly because the interface gives us so much more information. It takes forever to warm everything up so that it can melt the plastic.

    ¡°Yes!¡± We both shout as the machine stutters into life with an odd digital noise and a smell of molten plastic. We watch as the first ten layers go down. Surprisingly it seems to be working perfectly.

    ¡°So, did you have fun?¡± Mum asks, she has come to investigate the celebrations.

    ¡°I enjoyed putting it together but this last hour or so was way too boring.¡± I tell her, ¡°But now we can print objects! It''s so cool. Thank you for my present.¡± I give mum a hug and squeeze real tight, for the first time in months I think I am actually happy. I focus on the feeling, trying to take everything in, it''s something Charlotte has been telling me to do, mindfulness, enjoying the feeling of enjoyment or something. At the moment, I am really enjoying this hug.

    <hr>

    ¡°And then he said , ¡®No, Yoda pants, tiny little trousers for my Yoda doll.¡¯ Everyone was rolling around the room laughing. Honestly, I had been imagining Abdo wearing skin tight yoga pants and doing stretches. It was priceless.¡± Charlotte is regaling us all with stories from her Christmas break. Some of her stories were very funny, weirdly I can''t think of a single funny story from Christmas.

    That tight feeling in my chest comes again and as soon as I feel it I stop and think, this is another technique I have been trying out, working out where my anxiety comes from. In this case I decide it is complete FOMO, the fear that I am missing out on happy fun times. I remind myself that I did enjoy Christmas, it was fun and sweet. Just because nothing funny happened doesn¡¯t detract from the fact that I enjoyed it.

    ¡°Are you okay?¡± Charlotte asks me, she must have noticed my introspection.

    ¡°Yeah, just thinking that my family isn''t as hilarious as yours. I spent a week building a 3D printer with my dad and he did joke around a bit but really it was mainly us having fun doing something we both enjoyed.¡± I explain, suddenly feeling quite proud.

    ¡°You couldn''t just have bought one?¡± Becky asks me, clueless as ever. Most of the boys at the table obviously have the same opinion though.

    ¡°We could have, in fact we probably could have gotten one cheaper than mum bought the parts but then we wouldn''t have learnt how it works and had the fun of making it. We are still printing some of the bigger cosmetic parts for it.¡± She is looking at me like I''m insane now.

    ¡°You are such a nerd!¡± She tells me, laughing, it isn''t an insult and I laugh along with her.

    <hr>

    <blockquote>

    It''s over. The girl who was bullying my sister and her friends just almost killed herself trying to kill Jo. I don''t know how much sense that makes but she fell off a cliff! Jo actually saved her, well¡­ called the cops who saved her. I¡¯m not sure I would have. Then again, if I didn''t I probably would stress about it until it killed me. Karma.

    </blockquote>

    My phone rings, it''s Charlotte. ¡°Hey, sup?¡± I ask her joyfully, I¡¯m feeling great today, it''s like a weight has been lifted. Possibly the last thing I had been seriously stressing about.

    ¡°Just thinking it¡¯s a beautiful day. Want to play Tennis? I was thinking of inviting everyone.¡±

    ¡°Hell yes!¡± I look at my watch, ¡°The next bus is in twenty minutes, how about I meet you at your house when it arrives?¡± She agrees and I quickly change into my sports gear and grab my racquet.

    ¡°Hey mum?¡± I call, as I run down the stairs. ¡°I¡¯m off to play tennis.¡± I get the okay and am out the door. I still probably have a quarter hour to walk the two minutes to the bus stop but as she said, it¡¯s a beautiful day.

    I stand at the bus stop, enjoying the sun on my face and generally paying attention to how good I feel. You know, life is good.

    When the bus finally arrives at Charlotte''s house there is a crowd, it''s a mix of my friends and Charlotte''s but nowadays there is less distinction. There are a couple of courts at the school side by side but I suspect we may be sitting and watching a lot of the time.

    ¡°I brought a rug.¡± Raj tells me as I arrive, ¡°And snacks!¡± Awesome, his mum makes the best spicy snacks. ¡°Can I share your racquet?¡±

    ¡°Sure, as long as you don''t want to play me.¡± I tell him, happy to share the picnic blanket.

    We walk back to the school along the same bus route I just rode, it''s a noisy walk with this many people, boys are louder too. Charlotte is challenging them to sprints between lamp-posts and sometimes winning, I''m glad I came already.

    When we get to the courts I leave them to it, choosing to sit on the blanket and watch for a while, at least until I see how few people have played before. I guess it''s up to me to coach.

    "Right! Listen up you idiots!" I shout to be heard, "If you have played before and know the rules then sort out something on court one. If you have never played or can''t remember the rules, follow me to court two."

    It''s almost a fifty/fifty split. I have one girl and five boys to teach. "Okay, we will start with how to hit a ball." It takes me almost half an hour to get the six to the point that they can almost return serves and do a short rally. I''m glad Becky had a massive sack of tennis balls, we seem to be hemorrhaging them over the high fences and I have to send people out to find them every few minutes. Becky really didn''t appreciate the jibes about her massive ball sack though.

    I don''t get to play for almost an hour and by then my arm is knackered from hitting so many serves for people to practice returning. I do win my game though, and the second one too before I retire to the blanket to eat some nice spicy snacks.

    "You are very patient." Raj tells me, offering me a bottle of water which I gladly accept.

    "It was that or this whole venture would fall apart." I tell him. An image of the chaos that would have been is playing in my mind, very Benny Hill. It was only marginally better just now with balls being hit at about a hundred miles an hour out of the cages every few minutes.

    "Well, I appreciate it. I am really enjoying this." He offered me a bag of crispy noodles. "Next time we should play cricket though, then I can be the coach."

    I accept that and lie back to watch the slapstick comedy playing out in front of me, living in the moment. I think I''m getting the hang of this depression thing, Charlotte tells me not to get cocky, depression can and will return without warning but I''m practicing all her coping mechanisms and they seem to work.

    We had a talk about people with depression being discriminated against, is seems silly to me, Charlotte is one of the most switched on rational people I know but apparently she can''t be a police woman, hold a firearms license and a whole bunch of other things. It''s madness, just because she sought help. I''m going to try to deal with it myself, who knows what I may want to do in the future. It''s probably a stupid thing to do but I don''t like being told I can''t do something and I don''t want to give anyone another reason to look down their noses at me.

    A tennis ball sails past my head and Raj and I laugh. I put thoughts of depression aside, today is a very good day, I''m not going to spoil it.

    <hr>

    ¡°Okay guys, settle down! I know it''s the last day before summer holidays.¡± The teacher calls from the front of the class. ¡°I have been told there is a general disappointment that chemistry class was missing explosions this year.¡± My head shoots up so fast i''m surprised I didn''t pull a muscle.

    ¡°Today we are going to do some demonstrations, this isn''t going to be a lab exercise I''m afraid.¡± He is setting up bottles on his desk at the front. This isn¡¯t in the curriculum, I really want to know if Mae put him up to this. ¡°Because there will be some small explosions, you still all have to wear your safety glasses.¡±

    Everyone shuffles to get their glasses on, I¡¯m fairly sure that Becky is glad for once that I insisted on sitting up front.

    ¡°I''m going to show you a few reactions, obviously this is not to be done outside of the lab. If I hear of any of you burning down your house or blowing your hand off I will give you a failing grade for the rest of your school career, no matter how good your exam marks are.¡± He takes some chalk and starts drawing on the board. ¡°Okay, first up we will be using some potassium permanganate, you will recall we used this to generate oxygen gas earlier in the year?¡± There were nods and murmurs of agreement.

    ¡°Now, when mixed with very finely powdered metals, this produces what is called ¡®Flash Powder¡¯; it was used in early photography to produce a bright enough light for the film to react.¡± He writes KMnO4 on the board. ¡°So, today we are going to do two experiments with this, we will use aluminium powder in one reaction and magnesium in the other.¡± He writes both on the board. Can anyone tell me which will produce the brightest flash?¡±

    My hand goes up almost without me wanting it, he points at me, ¡°The magnesium should give the brightest flash because magnesium is slightly higher on the reactivity table, it might need more activation energy to get started though, I think it has a higher transition state.¡±

    ¡°Very good, in this case however we do not have the same grade of powder for both metals, the Magnesium is a coarser grade. What effect do you think this may have on the reaction?¡± He was asking me directly this time.

    ¡°It should increase the reaction time and so make it longer lasting but less bright.¡± I get the warm fuzzies as he congratulates me on a correct answer. Yep, total geek but I decide I¡¯m owning it today.

    The explosions are cool, he uses enough that it is impressive.

    He then proceeds to demonstrate acetone peroxide, thermite and black powder, using each one as a teaching aid to actually make the class think rather than just to amuse them. I think it was the best and most informative class I have had this year. I really must thank Mae.

    <hr>

    "Dad, you know how Anne isn''t having movie night this month?" I ask him as he reads the paper.

    "Because she is abandoning us to have her own movie night in her flat? Yes, I am aware. Are you wanting to go to her place?" He asks me, seeming a little put out, I think he quite liked having Anne''s friends around.

    "Not exactly. I was wondering if perhaps I could have friends around for a movie night myself?" He actually looks pleased! Holy crap I thought he would say no.

    "Pizza first?" He asks and I nod my agreement. "No boys¡­ hold on¡­ no girls? No, I don''t like that either." He looks really confused for a minute. "I don''t know the rules anymore."

    Mum had outed me to him and to Anne''s friends after the last movie night. I had been a little ticked off at her for a while but it seems okay now. I seem to have a handle on my depression too, though Charlotte tells me not to get too comfortable, even in the last six months she had a few episodes which put her in a funk. Now that I know what to look for though I have made sure to be there for her.

    "Perhaps mum can make the rules this time?" I suggest as she walks into the kitchen with us.

    "What am I making rules for?" She asks, pouring herself the last coffee from the plunger.

    "Kelly is having her own movie night. I don''t know how boys and girls mixing in a slumber party would be handled in this situation." He admits. I''m actually glad he doesn''t know, it''s fun to find out together.

    "Her friends aren''t gay, the boys probably aren''t either. How many are you inviting Kelly?" She knows how to ask awkward questions!

    "I was thinking of four girls and four boys." Even then I''m going to have to cherry pick. It''s amazing to think I didn''t believe I would ever have enough close friends to host a movie night just last year.

    "Okay, nine people is a lot. I would suggest we say boys have to leave at eight. Perhaps have an earlier dinner to accommodate that. Then the girls can change and watch one more movie after they leave."

    I watch dad''s face crinkle in confusion. "Why kick the boys out and not the girls?" He asks. I kind of want that answer too.

    "Mainly because Kelly''s best friends are girls. Also, I trust girls way more than boys." I laugh at dad''s indignant spluttering.

    ¡°Well, it looks like the batton has been passed.¡± Dad says, giving me a one armed hug, ¡°You just need to decide what your rules are for choosing films.¡±

    Right enough, I can have any films I want, we aren''t stuck with twentieth century classics any more. This is going to be awesome!

 A rant about ratings (not a chapter)

    /rant/

    I received my first and only rating for this book recently. It was just a rating, no review, no comment, no constructive criticism, just a 2.5 rating. Now my books overall rating is 2.5, I don''t know why that upsets me but it does.

    I have no way to object, no way to fix whatever that person obviously thought was wrong with my book, just... 2.5...

    I re-read my work, it isn''t great, it lacks punch and I don''t think the descent into depression and subsequent recovery with the help of her friends was a good enough plot but overall I thought the writing was decent and the characters were interesting. Certainly, if I had been given a 50% mark in English back in highschool for this work I would have complained.

    Unauthorized usage: this narrative is on Amazon without the author''s consent. Report any sightings.

    If you decide to give a book a rating which is less than 4 stars, pony up and tell the author why, give them a chance to improve and don''t just let them wonder what they did to deserve it.

    In general, rate and review things you read, we authors appreciate that, especially because if half my readers left a rating I would have a far better benchmark as to what people think. If you see something specific in a chapter, point it out in the comments.

    Whilst I''m at it, in chapters where you see hundreds of comments, feel free to skip on, if an author had no comments, zero, zip, NADA, no recognition for writing the chapter, thank them. Honestly a tftc is greatly appreciated when all you have had for a long time is silence.

    /End rant/

    Thanks for reading and sorry for ranting. Oh, and read my other books, especially four idiots, it at least is probably worth your time reading.

    EJ