《The Job Application: A Retellling.》 Dear Employer Dear Employer, I am a poor, young, unemployed person in the culture industry, my name is Hope, I am seeking a suitable position, and I take the chance of begging you, if perhaps from your bedroom where you work you know if such a position might be available. I know your growing business is new, arrogant, recently invested and politically correct, thus I may yield to the pleasing supposition that a nice, easy, living wage certified position would be open, into which, as a kind of warm cesspit, I can slip in. I am excellently suited, you should know, to occupy just such a modest haven, for my docile self is altogether delicate, and I am essentially a quiet, polite, and dreamy child, who is made to feel cheerful by people thinking of me that I do no ask for much, and allowing me to take possession of a very, very small patch of existence, where I can be useful in my own way and thus feel at ease. A quiet, sweet, small place in the shade has always been the tender substance of all my dreams, and if now the mirage I have about you grow so intense as to make me hope that my dream, young and old, might be transformed into sensual, vivid reality, then you have, in me, the most zealous and most loyal servant, who will take it as a matter of conscience to discharge precisely and punctually all my duties. Large and difficult tasks I cannot perform, and obligations of a far-ranging sort are too strenuous for my mind. I am not particularly clever, and first and foremost I do not like to strain my intelligence unduly. I am a dreamer rather than a thinker, a zero rather than a force, dim rather than sharp. This tale has been unlawfully lifted without the author''s consent. Report any appearances on Amazon. Assuredly there exists in the bulbous expansion of your institution, which I imagine to be overflowing with possibilities, work of the kind that one can do as in a dream? -I am, to put it frankly, a person who deems everything small and modest to be beautiful and pleasing, and to whom all that is big and exacting is fearsome and horrid. I know only the need to feel at my ease, so that each day I can thank my loved ones for life¡¯s boon, with all its joys. The passion to go far in the world is unknown to me. Alpha Centauri, a star system away is to me not more foreign. Well, so now you know what sort of person I am. -I type, as you see, grammatically correct and with the use of a thesaurus, and you need not imagine me to be entirely without intelligence. My mind is clear, but it refuses to grasp things that are many, or too many by far, shunning them. I am sincere and honest, and I am aware that this signifies precious little in the world in which we live, so I shall be waiting, dear employer, to see what it will be your pleasure to reply to your respectful servant, positively drowning in obedience. Best Regards, Hope. Dear Hope Dear Hope, Thank you for your recent application. Unfortunately on this occasion you have not been successful. Due to the high volume of applications that we receive, we are unable to provide specific feedback to individual candidates. We would welcome applications from you in the future. We could give you generic feedback but that would cost our organisation money with no profit to be obtained by force or fraud. Frankly, the chances of anyone remembering this event is nil and no one in our team would even recognise your particular application among dozens of equally capable workers. Understand please, that work is not created based on need in capitalist economies but to accumulate profit. Our basis for choosing a particular candidate make as much sense as pigs flying as most of the candidates including you could do the job. Anyway, you should be grateful we even sent you a rejection notice as many jobseekers do not even receive a rejection notice. The narrative has been taken without permission. Report any sightings. Many thanks, The Recruitment Team. Welcome Welcome to the ''x'' organisation Hi Hope, Welcome to X Corporation! We''re so happy you are now one of us. We have some final steps before you can start. In no specific order, you must be obedient. Do whatever you are told, as best as you can and do as much as possible within your pre-determined work hours. Obey the manager above you, they are your priest. Over the priest submit yourself to the clock. Your new god is not plastic or metal but rationally determined time. It is always present, all powerful and it is for your own good. Be glad that your potential for experience and freedom are cut up into time slots when you must work like a dog. We only really like healthy bodies, but lucky for you we have still have room in our quota of the despised, disabled and/or mental ill. The dead are useless and the living make a profit. You exist and we are happy to put you to work. Unlike our ancestors, we have work for you. Be grateful, you will be happier for it and we make money from your labour. Win-Win. We need you to speak English. As a global company, we feel it is important for you to speak the truly international language of the Anglo-Saxon people. Something about their particular culture is universally applicable, please do ignore those centuries of colonialism, or so we at X Corporation think so along with the rest of our pals! If you don''t then how did you manage to pass the interview? Seriously, asking for a friend. The author''s narrative has been misappropriated; report any instances of this story on Amazon. You need identification (ID) from one of the Northern countries of the planet Earth. You need other people to verify you are what you say you are at least one of them from another company or state institution. If you have been an obedient worker with the necessary years of experience to do this piss poorly paid job then you should be able to provide these IDs. Remember you are no one unless a state and/or corporation member tell us you are one. We invite you to mandatory training. If you fail to complete it or when working fail to operate excatly as told you may be fired. Blasted from X Corpation and in your flight of misery you may end up destroying other''s lives. Even if you don''t, you will be hollow and a ruin. Remeber you need us more than we need you, there is always another desperate body to do what we demand. Once again welcome! We hope, whoops just said your name, wish you to make money for us. If you don''t have a positive experience as a finger of the X Corporation that means there is something wrong with you! Not us. If you have any questions, reach out to our designated emotional dumpster @bin.com You aren''t working already? What are you waiting for? GO, GO, GO! Best regards, X Corporation Feedback Dear Hope, We hope you are well. We are reaching out with some feedback after a recent review of our surveillance. You did ''X'' wrong. If you do ''Y'' then you should not make the same mistake again. Here is a list of vague help towards doing ''Y''. You may lose your job for not having enough ''Z'' or for doing too much ''Z'' which may be determined upon a review by the committee that may or may not happen. You are not paid to be human. You are paid as labour. You are a machine in a fleshy body. You are to be replaced with plastic, metal and AI when our investments in technology return with efficient workers. Work like you were trained to, you tool. Taken from Royal Road, this narrative should be reported if found on Amazon. Further, you also did ''Q'' wrong. Now, ''Q'' is out of your control and we could have told you. Instead, we observed longer and did spot checks on a regular basis. The fact that ''Q'' happened will be humiliating for you. [Insert nice comment in response to expected embrassment]. Here is a solution that won''t work, so you be encouraged to either ask for help or solve it on your own. Good luck with the lingering sense of shame. Also, your clients loved you but we want you to repeat ''L'' again because it does not fit our arbitrary, goalpost moving, standards. Remember, always that ¨C WE ARE ALWAYS WATCHING! Please reach out if you have any further questions. Please respond in 24 hours to confirm receipt of the above. Please let us know if you have any further questions and we''ll be happy to help. Kind regards, X Corporation.