《Twenty》


 1. Swinging

    Maria took hold of her daughter by the arm hugging her firmly to her side. She had caught her doing something she knew she wasn¡¯t allowed to do and there was no excuse for this behavior. The little girl, who Maria saw fit to name Christian, could barely keep her footing on the ground as her mother rushed her inside. She knew what she did was forbidden but she just couldn¡¯t help herself.


    Christian dreaded what would happen next and soon her suspicions turned out to be true. Coming into the house Maria led her disobedient daughter to her room where she placed her inside, letting go of her arm like a dogwalker letting go of a leash.


    Finding herself in a familiar room Christian felt a sensation run through her chest, it was the sting of knowing that she did something wrong. She wanted to apologize, maybe that would relieve her guilt, but she knew that what was done was done and there was no taking it back.


    Maria looked down at her child, her expression somehow both blank and stern. The little girl didn¡¯t need to see her mother¡¯s face to tell that she was in trouble, she could tell by just the slightest change in Maria¡¯s composed posture. ¡°Christian,¡± said the woman. ¡°Do you know what you did was a sin?¡±


    Christian nodded her head; she couldn¡¯t bear to look up at her mother.


    ¡°But yet, you chose to do it anyway?¡± Maria shook her head, what a disappointment her offspring is turning out to be. Slowly she knelt down and pulled Christian¡¯s face up to meet hers, there would be no looking away from the truth. ¡°Do you not know that the Devil targets the weak? When we allow ourselves to go astray, chase our desires, or disobey our parents- they know. Do you know who they are?¡±


    ¡°The Devil and the Lord?¡±


    Maria nodded. ¡°The Lord knows when you have sinned, and the Devil knows too. While one looks away from you, the other sets their sights on you. Do you wish for God to turn his back on you?¡±


    ¡°No, no, mommy I don¡¯t!¡±


    ¡°Then why did you knowingly sin by disobeying me?¡± Maria let go of her daughter¡¯s chin and turned towards the door. ¡°I will pray to God that he may be merciful to you, my daughter, for only by his forgiveness will your soul be saved now.¡±


    That sensation, the sting of guilt rushed through Christian as she lost her composure. ¡°Mommy, I¡¯m so sorry! I was bad, I know I was bad, I want to be forgiven!¡± Maria did not face her daughter as she slid the door shut behind her. She could hear Christian¡¯s desperate pleas but did nothing to answer them as she slid the bolt shut and the click of the lock sounded. ¡°I won''t ever go back there I promise! I promise! Please don¡¯t keep me in here, I don¡¯t want to be in here!¡±


    ¡°You will stay here until you can confess your sins at the next service. That way you will not be able to tarnish your soul any further.¡± Maria turned to go, but for a moment she stopped. It was as if she wanted to say something else but as quickly as it came it left and Maria went about her business.


    In the room, little Christian knelt at the base of her locked door, her room now her prison. Wiping the tears away from her face she hoped in her heart that her mom would come back, and she would hear the twist of the lock open again, but she knew that would never happen. Picking herself up she walked over to her bed and buried herself into her pillow. She wished that she could be the good girl her mother wanted, be the girl that God desired her to be. But she couldn¡¯t help being bad and she didn¡¯t know why.


    Turning onto her side she peered out her tiny window to the yard outside her house. In the corner of the property sat an old rusting swing-set that stood opposed to the setting sun. It was run down, banged up, and dented but it still looked like the seat and the swings themselves would be able to work. Maybe that was what drew Christian to disobey her mother¡¯s wishes and try it out.


    In the brief period that she had gotten to try it, Christian had the greatest fun of her life. She imagined herself flying with every upswing and with every downswing she saw herself diving deep into the ocean, where all the fish swam around her. For a moment she had forgotten that her mother had told her never to go on the swing, for a moment she forgot about all her cage and any notion that what she was doing was a sin. For a moment she got to be a child, and those moments were few and far between.


    ...


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    BUZZ, BUZZ, BUZZZZZ


    A hand reached up a lazily switched off the blaring alarm. The noise was coming from a phone that at the time of purchase was considered new but now had long since passed into outdated. The hand belonged to a woman whose hair was presently covering her entire face and veering dangerously close to being eaten in the confused daze of waking up. The woman grumbled as she practically flung herself off the bed, if she stayed there any longer, she knew she wouldn¡¯t be able to resist the thought of going back to sleep. It was like a siren¡¯s call of warmth and comfort, but a call that would likely damage her reputation at work if she answered.


    ¡°Babe, are you alright?¡± Called another voice from the other side of the bed.


    The woman winced; she must¡¯ve been too loud getting up. ¡°Sorry, Jess. Just going to work.¡±


    Jess uttered what seemed to be an affirming grunt and slipped back into her dreams. The woman sighed and got on with her morning routine, but this time making sure to be extra quiet. Jess was a notorious insomniac and any sleep that she got was a luxury that shouldn¡¯t be squandered. ¡®Operation Make Coffee Silently¡¯ was in full effect and it went off without a hitch. Soon, after some intense tippy-toeing, the woman made her way out of her humble apartment and off to work.


    Unfortunately, she wasn¡¯t the sort of girl that could afford a fancy car, it was a miracle that she was even able to afford a place to stay that was halfway decent. So she had to rely on the dutiful kindness of strangers, people who went by the fashionable name of ¡°bus drivers.¡± It wasn¡¯t the most glamorous way to travel in the early hours of the morning, but it got her to work on time.


    Work was another matter entirely, both the bane of the woman¡¯s existence and the only way it was sustained.


    The Super-Super Market was located downtown in a place that once was full of business, until of course the mall came and drove it away. Then when the mall went downhill the entire area seemed to drive out business all on its own. However, capitalism is nothing if not stubborn and the unfortunately named Market still stands. But in the woman¡¯s eyes, the worse thing about the store was the horrendous neon puke-colored outfits they were required to wear. The collars itched like crazy the color made it seem like they filming on a green screen all the time.


    As she came in through the back, she remembered the last piece of the atrocious attire. From her pocket, she produced a cheap plastic name tag that displayed her name in clear bold text so that anyone except the blind could see it.


    ¡°Chris.¡± It read.


    The place was deserted as usual with only the stray roaming costumer lurking about like some sort of predator waiting to strike- only instead of prey, they were hunting for the clearance section. Chris got to work stockpiling the new stuff that had come in. Coffee filters, adult diapers, and dog food, all were the standard fare that she had come to expect.


    ¡°Hey!¡± A strong hand grabbed the side of Chris¡¯s arm. Surprised she nearly sent a box of hemorrhoid cream flying through the air but was able to hold onto it with the sheer power of her will and the thought of how weird that would have looked. ¡°You¡¯re on register today.¡±


    Manager Jake, a short and stubby man, had a habit of sneaking up behind people when they least expected it. The first time it had happened to Chris, she nearly slapped him into next Sunday but the need for a job kept that from coming true. It was not intentional, in fact, he never seemed to realize that he was doing it despite the facial expression and the cursing.


    ¡°I thought it was Dale¡¯s turn on the register.¡± Chris bemoaned.


    ¡°It was but he¡¯s not going to be able to make it today.¡±


    ¡°Ah figures,¡± She couldn¡¯t help but reply. Dale was always a no-show and Chris couldn¡¯t help but wonder how he hadn¡¯t been fired years ago.


    ¡°I was just told he died this morning, poor kid.¡±


    ¡°What?¡± For a moment, guilt washed over Chris for thinking such negative things about her newly deceased coworker.


    Jake let out a curdling giggle. ¡°Ah, I¡¯m just kidding. The kid got the Flu, he¡¯s fine.¡± Chris was relieved but her pride didn¡¯t allow her to show it. ¡°Gotcha pretty good there, didn¡¯t I?


    ¡°Yeah, you sure did, Jake,¡± Chris said with as much conviction as she could muster to get this conversation over with. ¡°Good one.¡±


    The sting of guilt subsided quickly as Chris took a deep breath, she really hated that stupid feeling. Chris brought herself to the register and settled down into place. She hated working in the front, dealing with the requests and the demands of other people wasn¡¯t something that pleased her. Once an old lady had walked in and paid a $67 bill entirely in nickels and pennies. Chris probably would¡¯ve quit on the spot if she wasn¡¯t focusing on counting.


    Thankfully business was slow, and customers were scarce but not completely absent. Two customers found their way into the line. The first was a man who was purchasing 8 containers of spray-on deodorant and a can of green beans. ¡°That will be 34 dollars, sir,¡± Chris said imaging the many possible reasons behind such a purchase. ¡°Next in line!¡±


    An older woman stepped up in line and Chris waited patiently for her items to appear on the conveyor belt. But after a pause, she looked up to find that the woman didn¡¯t appear to be carrying anything at all. Customer Support Chris kicked in. ¡°Hello, ma¡¯am, can I help you with anything?¡±


    ¡°Yes, I believe you can.¡± The woman¡¯s voice was stern and proper, and very familiar. ¡°You see, around 4 years ago my child ran away from me and my home. I was wondering if you could help me find her?¡±


    Chris stood still, still as a statue and replied in her proper customer-friendly voice. ¡°I¡¯m very sorry about that, but I really don¡¯t know how to help you.¡±


    The woman stepped closer and looked Chris dead in the eyes. ¡°My lost lamb, I¡¯ve finally found you.¡±


    Chris¡¯s heart shook and her breathing slowed, how had she found her? ¡°Mom?¡±

 2. Courted

    The room was full to the brim with children who had been told to sit in a circle. Like with most children this simple instruction went on deaf ears and naturally there was chaos. Some kids had wandered off to find some pencils or crayons that they could use to draw on the silly-looking posters on the wall, not caring if they would hinder the sales of Miss McLaughlin¡¯s Home Bakery by scribbling over top of her ad. Others decided they would amuse themselves by playing hide and seek with each other, it was a good thought but with there only being one accessible room the game was highly balanced in the seeker''s favor. Then there were the kids who had actually listened to their instructions and sat perfectly still in a circle, painfully bored and teetering on the brink of sleep.


    Christian was one of these children and at the moment was fully regretting her decision to not get up and join the fun. Then again, there was some slight joy in watching Mr. Davis, the poor unfortunate soul who was tasked with handling Sunday School, run around in a panic trying to get the children to read about Daniel and his encounter with some lions. Christian¡¯s dazed observation of the scattered teacher was interrupted by a tug on her shoulder.


    ¡°Will you be my wife?¡± A voice beside her asked.


    Christian turned her head to see Jeremiah, a fellow student who had made the bad choice of listening to directions, looking up at her with a shy expression. He was a little younger than her, about 9 or 10, and had the na?ve look of sincerity that only a child could muster.


    ¡°Ew, no!¡± Chris said instinctually.


    Neither Christian nor Jeremiah were old enough to know what marriage actually was. They had heard about it from their parents or from the occasional movie or tv show they were allowed to watch from time to time. Jeremiah assumed that marriage was when a man handed a shiny ring to a girl, and they lived happily ever after, then presumably they walked into the sunset and the credits would start rolling. Christian assumed that marriage was a thing you did when you were in love, and she certainly was not in love with Jeremiah.


    ¡°I¡¯m not getting married, not ever!¡± She said crossing her arms indignantly.


    Jeremiah, sad about being rejected, snapped back. ¡°Yes, you are! My daddy says that a woman¡¯s job is to get married and have kids! That¡¯s what he said!¡±


    Christian shook her head, ¡°Nuh-uh!¡±


    Jeremiah shook his head back at her, slightly too aggressively. ¡°It¡¯s true! He says, ¡®A man¡¯s job is to provide for his family and a woman¡¯s job is to take care of the kids.¡¯ You calling my dad a liar?¡±


    In truth Christian had heard that same thing before, her mother had told her it many times before, but it never really stuck until now. ¡°I guess you¡¯re right.¡±


    ¡°Ha!¡± Jeremiah was ecstatic over his sweet victory. From his back pocket, he produced an old, small rubber band and held it out in front of him like a hunter showing off his prized kill. ¡°Now you¡¯ve gotta marry me!¡±


    ¡°No!¡± Christian slapped the homemade ring out of the boy¡¯s hand defiantly. So what if he was right, that didn¡¯t mean she had to marry him.


    ...


    Chris was no longer in the Super-Super Market, it seemed like she wasn¡¯t even in her body anymore. Chris was deep within the well of her head, swimming in the murky waters of what was happening to her at this very moment. No, she can¡¯t be here! She thought to herself. How did she find me?


    Chris had thrown off her tame tag as well as her custom-friendly demeanor, no job was worth being in the same room as that woman. Chris surveyed her surroundings and a feeling of hopelessness suddenly dawned on her. She was in a huge empty parking lot, save for one or two stray cars, with no one around. No one except her mother who at this moment was walking toward her.


    ¡°Christian, I need to speak to you.¡± Said Maria clutching her purse to her side to keep it from swinging as she walked.


    Chris was having none of it and broke out into a sprint. So what if she didn¡¯t have a car, surely she could outrun an old woman? She wasn¡¯t the greatest runner in the world, but her legs seemed to do the trick just fine. She reached the end of the giant parking lot and looked behind her, the woman was just a speck in the distance now and Chris decided to stop and take a breath. But as she did, she realized that slowly her mother was getting closer to her.


    I can just outrun her again; she won¡¯t even be able to catch me. But as she looked around at the big empty streets and a seemingly emptier city, she realized the truth. Run all she¡¯d like; her mother knew where she was. She could call a car, wait for the bus, or run all the way back to her apartment but the woman knew where she was and likely where she lived. The thought of picking up everything and moving to someplace else came zipping through her mind, but she knew she couldn¡¯t do it. She couldn¡¯t expect Jess to get up instantly one day and hightail it some other place, not to mention the cost she simply couldn¡¯t afford to pay in a million years. Oh shit, I have to talk to her.


    Chris crossed her arms and waited, she didn¡¯t want to talk to her mother, and she was quite sure she didn¡¯t want to walk to her either. Instead, she waited as the old woman made her way across the lot to finally stand before her. There was a moment of silence before anything was said, both eyeing each other like two samurai before the final strike.


    ¡°Well?¡± Chris said, her voice as cold and uncaring as she could make it.


    Maria took her time before speaking, what she had to say was important and she did her best to find the words. ¡°I¡¯m¡­ glad to see that you are alright.¡± She said, her words coming out strong but slightly hesitant. ¡°I had begun to worry that you had gotten yourself killed.¡±


    ¡°You always were worried about that, huh?¡± Chris said plainly. The lot seemed larger than it was before, and the breeze gently blew through Chris¡¯s neon green uniform.


    Maria took a step forward; Chris took a step back. ¡°How have you been?¡± Maria asked.


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    ¡°Fine, now.¡±


    Maria nodded. ¡°Good.¡±


    Silence. Chris¡¯s cold uncaring demeanor was challenged by the quiet awkwardness of the situation, but she kept it together. ¡°So, you found me. What now? Come to try and convince me to come back to you?¡±


    ¡°No, that is not why I¡¯m here.¡± Maria looked away from her daughter for a moment and down at her feet, it was a slight gesture, but it caught Chris off guard. Never in her life had her mother shown any sign of weakness, let alone discomfort, it disturbed her to her very core. ¡°Have you... have you courted anyone?¡±


    Chris felt these words like they were a tidal wave washing over her. The mask of her uncaring behavior fell off entirely as she let out a surprised laugh. ¡°Courted? Have I courted anyone?¡± Chris turned away and began laughing again, it sounded almost painful. ¡°You can¡¯t be serious? Four years since I ran away from you and that¡¯s the thing you ask me about?¡±


    ¡°It¡¯s important.¡±


    Chris pushed Maria aside and started walking back to the store. ¡°I can¡¯t fucking believe this!¡± Maria followed closely behind her daughter; Chris felt her behind her as if she were a creeping shadow. ¡°Well, yes, mother. I have courted someone. In fact, I¡¯m currently dating someone right now. But I doubt that she would qualify in your eyes.¡±


    Maria stopped walking. ¡°She?¡±


    Chris laughed; this was absurd. ¡°Yes, mom. Don¡¯t clutch your pearls too hard- they might break.¡±


    Chris reached the store and headed directly towards the counter. The urge to just pretend like this situation wasn¡¯t happening was strong inside her, but she had other plans. From her pocket, she produced a wrinkled five-dollar bill that she quickly slid into the register before bending down to the cigarette station. She plucked out a packet of Marlboro¡¯s and ripped it open. Maria followed her in soon after.


    ¡°Daughter, you must listen to me, your soul depends on it.¡±


    Chris wanted to laugh again but couldn¡¯t find the energy. She slid a cigarette out of the case and put it to her lips, she would need something to get her through whatever religious speech was about to come. ¡°Yeah, yeah, I know. My soul is going to hell cause yada-yada. Believe me, mom, I figured myself out a long time ago. It took a very supportive girlfriend and a couple of years of unpacking the shocking amount of internalized hatred I had for myself, but I got there. Nothing you say to me now is going to change that fact.¡± Chris felt her pocket realizing that she didn¡¯t have a lighter on her anymore and rolled her eyes at herself.


    ¡°You do not understand, that is not what I meant.¡± Maria was winded from the amount of walking she had done and did her best not to show it. ¡°If you do not act quickly your soul will be doomed to hell.¡±


    ¡°Yeah, I think I understand what you¡¯re saying.¡± Chris turned and headed down the walking into one of the isles. She had remembered stocking some cheap lighters a week ago. ¡°So, are we done? Got that off your chest now?¡±


    Suddenly Chris felt her arm being tugged backwards and she nearly lost her footing. In a flash, all her childhood memories flooded back to her, all the time her mom had grabbed her just like this replayed themselves in her head. ¡°Listen to me, Christian.¡± Said Maria, her voice the stern, rock-solid tone it had always been. ¡°You need to listen to me, now!¡±


    ¡°Well¡­ go on. Say it.¡± Chris¡¯s voice wobbled, for a moment she felt like she was her younger self again being scolded for doing something wrong. Only this time she wasn¡¯t a little girl, and she pulled her arm out of the grip of Maria¡¯s hand.


    Maria steadied herself before speaking, giving Chris enough time to question if she should run again and think better of it. ¡°Christian, you have to know what I am telling you is true. I have no proof that my words are not lies only that I swear to you, on all that I believe, that they are the truth and nothing more. You are 19 years of age, am I correct?¡± Chris gave a lazy nod. ¡°Soon, in a few days, you will turn twenty. When that day comes you will no longer be on this earth unless you do as I tell you.¡±


    ¡°What are you on?¡±


    Maria raised a finger to her lips. ¡°Do you remember what I told you when you were younger? Two people in this world are always watching you- the Lord and the Devil. I did not lie when I told you this and know now that the Devil has their eye on you now more than ever. The time is coming, Christian, time for hell to finally claim you as its own.¡±


    Chris took a step back; she was aware that her mother was a strictly religious person- her entire childhood was proof of that. But she had never seen her mother so unhinged before, had this side of her always been there?


    ¡°You have until you are twenty years old to save your soul.¡± For the first time in many years, Maria¡¯s voice was somewhat shaky. ¡°You must conceive a child, that is the only way.¡±


    ¡°Mom, you sound absolutely crazy right now, okay?¡± Chris took more steps back. ¡°What the hell are you even talking about? Where did this come from?¡±


    Maria shook her head. ¡°That¡­ That is not important. Three days is a short amount of time, but it is not impossible. You must be married and have a child, Christian, it is the only way for you to be forgiven.¡± Chris didn¡¯t know whether to laugh or to cry, she felt like doing both as her mother grabbed her again and pulled her close to her face. Their eyes locked as Maria looked deep into her daughter¡¯s soul. ¡°Christian, in all the years that you lived with me as your mother, in all that time have I once ever lied to you?¡±


    Chris thought about all the things her mother ever did for her. She remembered being locked in her room for days with no one to see or talk to, she remembered the prayers and the lessons, she remembered wishing that she could go out and make friends, and she remembered all the crap that her mother forced her through, and she despised every second of it. But deep down she knew one thing, crap as it may be her mother believed in every single word and action that she did with all of her heart- and now was no different.


    ¡°You need to go,¡± Chris said gesturing towards the door.


    Maria straightened herself up and let go of Chris¡¯s arm. She had an expression on her face that indicated that this brief outburst was something that had never happened to her, at least not in a very long time. ¡°You will listen to me? Have you understood what I have said?¡±


    ¡°Yes, I have.¡±


    ¡°Good, then will you do as I told you to?¡±


    Chris managed to laugh this time. ¡°I don¡¯t know how you got this strange idea inside your head, but I know that you believe what you¡¯re saying. But there¡¯s not a snowball¡¯s chance in hell that I¡¯m getting married and conceiving a child just because you told me to! I can promise you that, mom.¡±


    Maria stepped back silently then after a short pause took a deep breath. ¡°Christian, I have done all that I can for you. I hope in my heart you will do as I have told you, I do not wish for¡­¡± For a second Chris could have sworn that her mother looked sad. ¡°I do not wish for this fate to befall you. I thought that twenty years would be enough time for you to fulfil your duty, but it seems I was wrong.¡± With a reverent turn, Maria walked out of the store.


    Chris felt sick, she had endured years of priests and teachers telling her that she needed to ¡®fulfil her duty as a woman¡¯ and she hated hearing it again. She thought that after she ran away, she would never have to hear anything like that again, apparently, she was wrong.


    Chris headed over to where she had stored the lighters and decided that since she was going to hell, she could surely add shoplifting to the list. She grabbed a cheap pink one and lit up. ¡°What the hell, Chris?¡± Said Jake from behind her. Chris would¡¯ve jumped but she wasn¡¯t in a state to care at the moment.


    ¡°Oh, sorry.¡± Said Chris, not bothering to turn and look at him.


    ¡°You are going to pay for that, right?¡±


    ¡°Of course, I already put the money in the register don¡¯t worry.¡± Chris was good at lying when she didn¡¯t care if she got caught.


    ¡°Get back to work, okay? You¡¯ve spent like half an hour talking to that woman who looks like she just got back from a funeral. Not to mention the guy who has been standing in line holding a box of margarita mix for a good ten minutes.¡± Jake felt like he needed to sound upset, but with his looming divorce and personal financial crisis, he truly didn¡¯t care.


    ¡°I gotcha, Jake. No problem.¡± Chris waved her cigarette as she headed back to the register. What a shit day.

 3. Moonlight

    Christian had become used to playing all by herself inside the house. Her mother had told her that playing outside was not allowed, she knew that there were many ways for a little girl to get hurt in the big open world and she couldn¡¯t have that. Luckily for Christian, her mother¡¯s house was decently large and there were many options for places to play. The living room, the hallways, the library, and of course her bedroom were all ample places to dress up her dolls or play make-believe. But there were two places in the house she knew she was not supposed to go to, the kitchen and the balcony.


    The kitchen was made off-limits to Christian when she had accidently knocked a jar of flour off the counter nearly smashing her foot. Maria had looked around the room and saw the many knives and sharp objects that could cause potential harm to someone not paying attention and locked the place up with a key she kept in her pocket. This didn¡¯t bother Christian very much; the kitchen wasn¡¯t a very interesting place to be, and she thought the checkered black and yellow flooring was ugly anyway. But the balcony was another matter.


    She had never even seen the balcony before, she probably would¡¯ve never known it existed if it weren¡¯t jutting out from the front of the house. To her, it seemed like a lovely place to play, but her mother wouldn¡¯t have any of it.


    ¡°The fall would break your neck.¡± Said Maria to a wide-eyed and questioning daughter. ¡°You are not allowed to ever go up there, do you understand?¡± Little Christian nodded her head, but behind her back, she crossed her fingers.


    It was late at night when she decided that she would sneak out of her room to see this forbidden balcony. She walked slowly down the hallway; her mother slept in the room right next to hers so she would have to be extra careful here. With each step, she prayed that the floorboards wouldn¡¯t creak and give her away and she held her breath until she was blue. But eventually, she made it to the stairs and ascended them quickly. Christian was lucky that the lock to the balcony door had broken years ago or otherwise Maria would have had it sealed.


    With a deep breath Christian grabbed the doorknob, she was ready to go through with her plan, but she stopped just for a moment. Her mother had told her not to do this, and she knew that perfectly well, surely it would be a sin if she disobeyed her mother. Suddenly she noticed the stream of cold blue light streaming through the bottom of the door, it looked so pretty against the side of her slippers. Childhood curiosity gave in as she convinced herself to open the door.


    The moon was full that night as it hung high in the sky above the balcony. Blue light shined down on the little girl as she felt the cool night breeze against her skin. It felt mystical to her being out there like she had found some hidden treasure. She looked around at her surroundings and noticed just how old the platform was. The wood was old and greying and the railings were missing a few bars, likely caused by some fierce storm. It was as if no one had been up here for years, and that was exciting.


    Christian smiled at the moon, never realizing just how big it actually was. She became so enamored with it that she didn¡¯t notice she was walking closer to the edge, that is of course until she tripped. In the brief second, before she landed, she got that feeling again, that stinging feeling of guilt inside her chest. How could she have behaved so badly, so sinfully? Her mother would never forgive her, no, God wouldn¡¯t forgive her.


    These thoughts were all knocked out of her head as she landed on one of the balcony¡¯s railings. She had gotten lucky; the railing had stopped the fate her mother had told her would happen. But it did not stop the giant bruise that was appearing on her head even now, and little Christian dreaded what she knew would come.


    ...


    The bus ride home was longer than it usually was, time seems to slow down when you have a lot to think about and Chris surely had a mountain of things to unpack. She sat in the window seat with her face pushed against the glass, she wasn¡¯t in the mood to care about her composure. It took all her willpower not to light up a cigarette inside the bus, I may shoplift but I¡¯m not that much of a prick.


    The city went by in a blur as every house seemed to blend into the next one. Chris sighed to herself and wished she could just go to sleep in her seat and forget all about her mother tracking her down, but unfortunately, that was not her reality, and the seats were not that comfortable. Her mother¡¯s words kept ringing in her ears like a song that won¡¯t unstick itself from your brain. I¡¯m going to hell, huh? Wonder how she got that in her head, I wonder how she got a lot of things in her head. Chris looked down at her phone and saw the date. And on my birthday, how thematic. Well, at least I¡¯ve got tonight and two days to live, that¡¯s not bad. Chris chuckled to herself, the man in the seat behind her worried about her sanity.


    When the bus ride was finally over Chris found herself on the front steps of her apartment building. Plain red walls went straight up into the sky, the brick monotony only being broken up by the occasional window or two. It wasn¡¯t a crummy place by any means, but no one would ever dare to call it fancy. It lingered in that strange space between really good and really bad that couldn¡¯t be perfected if you had a team of the world¡¯s greatest minds. Right now, to Chris, the only thing notable about the building was how it was guarding the entrance to her bed.


    Chris walked over to the door and reached into her pocket only to find lent and disappointment. ¡°Damn!¡± She said out loud as she realized she misplaced her key card.


    Defeated she walked over to the intercom and pressed her room number. ¡°Babe? Babe? I need assistance.¡±


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    There was a good minute of silence before she got a reply. ¡°Not again, Chris!¡± Said the staticky and distant voice of Jess over the speaker. ¡°It¡¯s the third time this week!¡±


    ¡°Now that isn¡¯t true!¡± Chris retorted. ¡°It¡¯s only like¡­ the second?¡±


    The speaker went full of static as Jess heaved a giant sigh. ¡°I should leave you down there, teach you a lesson!¡±


    ¡°But you know you wouldn¡¯t be able to sleep with the knowledge that you¡¯ve left me out here- all on my own, in the dark, with no one to keep me safe?¡±


    ¡°You¡¯re right, compassion is my greatest weakness.¡± The speaker cut off and soon Jess was down the stairs opening the door.


    ¡°My hero!¡± Said Chris, dramatically throwing herself onto Jess like she had been kept locked in a cage for years.


    ¡°Never fear, my lady!¡± Jess took an even more dramatic bow. ¡°This door shall never bother you again! That is if you can remember your damn key card!¡±


    Chris entered her apartment and breathed a huge sigh of relief, there was no better feeling than getting back home after a tough day. It was like a checkpoint in the game of life, she got the feeling that if she were to fail or mess up, she could always come back here to feel safe. The room was plain but had been decorated with an abundance of hanging colorful lights to compensate for this flaw. The carpet flooring was old and tattered but still felt soft on the feet, except for a few specific spots where an unfortunate accident occurred concerning an unlucky trip and some homemade vanilla pudding. There was a separate room that was only big enough to fit a single bed and a nightstand, Jess had wondered if it was actually just a closet and if her landlady was ripping her off. Also, there happened to be a kitchen or something that could qualify as a kitchen if you counted a broken stove and a sink to be one.


    ¡°I made dinner,¡± Jess said, gesturing over to a chipped plate with a single strawberry poptart in the middle. ¡°How was your day?¡±


    Chris didn¡¯t reply right away choosing to wander over to her plate of food and take a giant bite out of her pastry dinner. Chris wanted to tell her about the hellscape of a day she experienced, she wanted to blurt out that her crazy mother had tracked her down just to tell her she was going to hell, but she was hesitant. ¡°It... wasn¡¯t great.¡±


    Jess plopped down on a raggedy couch they had found next to a dumpster and sighed. ¡°That Dale guy not show up again? Why hasn''t your boss just fired him already?¡±


    Chris chuckled, ¡°Yeah, he was a no-show again. But¡­¡± Her words lingered off as she tried to distract herself by taking another bite of her poptart.


    ¡°Uh-oh.¡± Jess sat up in her seat. ¡°I don¡¯t like it when there¡¯s a but. When there¡¯s a but followed by silence, I know that means one of two things. Either something really bad happened and you don¡¯t want to tell me or you¡¯re trying to come up with a joke, something tells me you¡¯re not trying to practice your standup routine.¡±


    Chris secretly wished that her girlfriend was a little worse at reading her, but then again it was a great trait in an inspiring psychologist. She tried to change the subject, ¡°It doesn¡¯t matter¡­ How was your day? Get that paper done?¡±


    ¡°Barely! You wouldn¡¯t believe how hard it is to write a paper and get calls from people asking why their laptop won¡¯t open, I accidentally told a guy to restart his computer by using Pavlov¡¯s theory of classical conditioning.¡±


    ¡°At least you didn¡¯t mention something Freud-related.¡± Chris joked.


    Jess raised an eyebrow and gave Chris a suspicious stare. ¡°You¡¯re not telling me something, are you?¡±


    Damn, she¡¯s good. Chris thought as she finished the final crumbs of her dinner. ¡°If you don¡¯t get your psychology degree, I don¡¯t know who can.¡± Chris walked over and sat down beside Jess, resting her head on her shoulder. ¡°So¡­ My mom showed up at work.¡±


    Jess was shocked, ¡°What? How?¡±


    Chris shrugged. ¡°Don¡¯t know, probably used some private investigator or something.¡±


    ¡°What did she say?¡± Jess¡¯s voice sounded worried; Chris hated hearing her upset. ¡°What did you do?¡±


    In each other¡¯s arms, Chris relayed what had happened with Jess occasionally chiming in with either another question or a confused gasp. ¡°You¡¯ve told me about your mother before, but I never realized she was that much of a religious fanatic, like Jesus that¡¯s insane. You lived with that woman for fourteen years?¡±


    ¡°Fifteen, actually, but she was never this extreme before. It¡¯s like she¡¯s stepped up another level, become a full-on doomsayer or something!¡±


    ¡°Yeah, no kidding!¡± Jess hugged Chris tighter in her arms. ¡°You doing okay? That¡¯s a fucked-up thing to go through, you know I¡¯m always here if you need anything.¡±


    Chris gave a big appreciative smile. ¡°Thank you, but I think I¡¯ll be fine if she doesn¡¯t keep showing up. But¡­ When it was happening, I couldn¡¯t help but feel like I was a kid again being scolded by my mother. It was like I was being put back into that little room again. For a moment I felt afraid of her, now isn¡¯t that just stupid? I can outrun her, outsmart her, and probably beat the crap out of her if I wanted to but yet I was scared. For a second, I actually felt¡­ I actually felt guilty.¡±


    ¡°Guilty?¡± Jess echoed. ¡°Guilty for what? Running away from your terrible mom? For being yourself? For learning that you don¡¯t need to constantly hate yourself to live? Babe, you have absolutely nothing to be sorry about!¡±


    ¡°I know, I know.¡± Chris gave Jess a tender kiss. ¡°Babe, have I ever told you how lucky I am to have you in my life?¡±


    Jess grinned wider than the Chesiree Cat, ¡°Why, only every single day of your life.¡± She laughed and got up from the couch and headed towards the bedroom. ¡°Which means that I only get to hear it two more times, right?¡±


    ¡°Huh?¡±


    ¡°You know, what your mom said? Apparently, you¡¯ve only got two days until¡­¡± Here Jess did her best to put on her scariest and booming voice. ¡°Two days to live! Whahahaha!¡±


    ¡°You keep that up and it could be considered a mercy.¡± Chris retorted. ¡°No, I think I¡¯ll have a lifetime of telling you how amazing you are.¡±


    ¡°One can only hope.¡±


    Jess and Chris went about the night getting ready for bed. Jess squeezed into the bedroom with a cup of warm tea and placed two giant headphones around her ears, she prayed that the sleeping properties that tea proclaimed on its box would prove to be true and her dreaded bouts of insomnia would be halted, but the headphones where just a backup plan if this didn¡¯t turn out to be the case. Chris slipped into her pajamas before heading to the bedroom but stopped herself when she remembered that she needed to brush her teeth. I can¡¯t afford to go to the dentist now, and I intend to keep it that way for the rest of my life.


    She began cleaning her teeth with a brush that was way passed its time to be replaced. Finished she returned the brush to its place and turned to leave but stopped when she noticed something off. In the mirror, just for one second, she could have sworn she saw something. There wasn¡¯t anything new in the mirror, quite the opposite. In the fleeting moment that her mind had caught on to something wrong, she could¡¯ve sworn she couldn¡¯t see herself in the mirror.

 4. Smoking

    The bedroom door had been locked tight, just like Christian knew it would be when she felt the bruise forming on her head. She had tried to hide it from her mother but the sudden choice of wearing hats indoors did not go unnoticed. She could¡¯ve lied and said that she had fallen out of bed or maybe even banged her head on a door, but she knew very well from experience that lying to her mother would only make things more difficult. So, she had found herself back in her room, waiting for the next service to begin so that she could confess her many terrible sins.


    But this time was different to Christian, something deep inside her had clicked. For years being stuck in this room felt like a punishment, a way for her to atone for all the wrong that she had done. But now for the first time in her life she saw it differently, this place wasn¡¯t her bedroom it was a prison. She felt her cheeks go red and her mind go fuzzy.


    Without even thinking Christian lifted her bedside lamp far above her head, ripping the cord out from the wall and sending brief sparks through the air. In one swift movement, the lamp was hurled into the side of the door, shattering into so many pieces no one would ever be able to count them. The realization of what she did hit her like a truck, the high of the rage inside her quickly subsided like air deflating out of a balloon. She sank down to the side of her bed and put her head in her arms, she felt like she could do nothing but cry


    It was nighttime outside and now with the lamp being no more, there was nothing but darkness inside the room. Even the moon, which just yesterday had seemed so big and bright, was hidden behind the clouds. There was nothing but darkness, sadness, and tears that night.


    But suddenly the door opened.


    Chris looked up from where she sat on the ground, eyes red and puffy. Had her mother come to see what the noise was? The door was open, but no one stood behind it. ¡°Mom?¡± She asked to the darkness. The darkness did not respond.


    Slowly she got up and carefully made her way to the door, being sure to not step on a sharp piece of the broken lamp as she did so. She went through, but to her surprise, she wasn¡¯t in her hallway anymore, she was in a room she had never seen before. Christian breathed deeply and took a step back into her room, but to her surprise, she found that the door was no longer there. She desperately felt along the wall, her fingers searching for some crack or cranny in the vain hope that she could find an entry back into her room.


    She then noticed something even more strange. Touching her forehead, she was surprised to feel her hand become damp as if she had been sweating for a long time. Christian didn¡¯t feel warm or even cold, but now that she thought about it, she didn¡¯t feel like anything anymore. She felt numb, like the feeling you get when your foot falls asleep, but it was so normal for a second, that she didn¡¯t notice it. Christion wanted to get out of here, and run back home, but there didn¡¯t seem to be any clear exits.


    Her eyes fell on the only other door she could see, which meant it was the only other place she could go. Slowly Christian walked to the door, her feet falling silently as if she were trying not to wake some sleeping beast that lurked within the shadows. She grabbed hold of the handle but was unable to feel it in her palms, it was like grabbing air and expecting it to turn. She crept the door open and peeked inside.


    She saw a bed with two women sleeping in it, one had two large headphones on with a strange device sitting on her chest while the other¡­ the other¡­ that wasn¡¯t right. It was like looking in a mirror, the woman laying on the bed had all the same features as Christian- the eyes, the nose, the mouth was all hers. She found herself getting closer to the strange woman, as she approached, she looked her up and down searching for any proof that what she was seeing wasn¡¯t real. But the nearer she true the more Christian realized that the person was indeed herself. Christian reached out her hand and felt along the sleeping woman¡¯s face, only to be mortified when they woke up.


    Chris¡¯s eyes shot open, she instinctually moved to defend herself but to her surprise she found herself frozen in place. It was like something was grabbing her and holding her still, making sure she didn¡¯t run. Chris saw her younger self looking back at her and at the same time Christian saw what appeared to be an older her do the same. Both were frightened, confused, and unprepared for what was about to happen.


    Suddenly Chris felt her body growing numb, as if it were slowly being dipped into a freezing lake. She no longer felt the soothing pressure of the mattress against her back or the protection of her cover- now the feeling was being replaced by something else.


    Christian watched as the strange woman on the bed started to glow. It took her minute to realize what the glow was coming from. Christian screamed as she saw herself suddenly erupt into flame; a blue flame that burned slowly and took root all along her body. Chris felt her own flesh start to boil and sizzle, she screamed but only fire escaped her lungs. Her tears streamed down her face and instantly boiled under the heat of the flame. She knew that she was dead, there was no way she could survive this pain- but the end never seemed to come.


    She thought the pain would never end.


    ...


    ¡°Chris! Chris! What¡¯s wrong?¡±


    Chris woke up in a dead sweat. Her skin was covered head to toe in sweat and she only noticed that she was on the floor when the pain finally registered in her arms that she had fallen. ¡°Where am I?¡± She said, but it came out coarse- like she had lost her voice.


    ¡°Babe, oh my god, are you okay?¡± Jess was clearly panicking as she tossed off her pair of headphones and crawled over the bed to be at Chris¡¯s side. ¡°I¡¯ve never heard you scream so loudly- I don¡¯t think I¡¯ve ever heard anyone scream that loudly before. Did something bite you?¡±


    ¡°No, nothing but me. I¡­ I just had a nightmare¡­ I¡¯m fine.¡± Chris slowly picked herself up from the floor and dusted herself off, she didn¡¯t want to show it to Jess but her arm was searing in pain from the fall. Without thinking Chris reached into the pocket of a pair of pants she had untidily thrown to the floor and retrieved her pack of Marlboro¡¯s.


    ¡°Chris? I thought you quit those.¡± Jess remarked as Chris pulled the ugly pink lighter from the other pocket.


    ¡°I did too,¡± Chris replied walking out of the room. ¡°Habits, you know.¡±


    Chris went about her daily routine like she always did, she got dressed, brushed her teeth, and made the coffee like normal. This time though she didn¡¯t have to tiptoe, her girlfriend was already wide awake and giving her a very concerned stare. Chris tried to ignore it; she didn¡¯t want to think about what had happened to her. She didn¡¯t want to think about her mom, she didn¡¯t want to think about her childhood, and she didn¡¯t want to think about the nightmare, but the world seemed determined to make sure she didn¡¯t get her to wish.


    ¡°Jess, I know I¡¯m worrying you.¡± Chris began with a sigh. ¡°But I¡¯m fine¡­ I promise. I guess meeting my mom did a wonder on my sub-mind, or whatever you call it.¡±


    ¡°Subconscious.¡± Jess corrected. ¡°But are you sure? Chris, I¡¯ve never heard a scream like that in my life- it was like someone was ripping out your heart! I thought someone had broken in and was stabbing you. I¡¯ve had really bad nightmares before but yours must take the prize, what did you see?¡±


    ¡°Just nightmare stuff, you know. It was just a messed-up thing my brain decided to show me as a prank, that¡¯s all.¡± Chris walked over to Jess and held her tightly in her arms. ¡°I promise you, I¡¯m fine. I¡¯m so sorry I scared you.¡±


    Jess held Chris tighter. ¡°You should be sorrier that you woke me up, I felt like that was the first good sleep I had in years.¡± Chris laughed and turned to leave but stopped when she felt a hand on her shoulder. ¡°But promise me if anything else comes up, you¡¯ll tell me?¡±


    ¡°I promise,¡± Chris swore. ¡°I¡¯ll see you tonight.¡±


    Chris sat alone at the bus stop with a cigarette in her hand, after her dream she had assumed she¡¯d never want to see a flame again, but the sweet comfort of tobacco had proved otherwise. A thought was lingering in her head, one that she simply refused to acknowledge. It was like an itch waiting to be scratched, each moment the temptation to give in grew larger, but she held her ground.


    To her annoyance, the bus was later than usual, by the time she saw it coming down the street the cigarette was all but gone. Chris stood up and waited for her transport to stop, but to her surprise, the bus kept moving past her. ¡°Hey!¡± She shouted, waving her arms like she was bringing in a plane. ¡°Wait!¡±


    The bus slid to a stop a few paces past the stop, Chris walked up to the door in need of an explanation. The bus driver was a short little man whose face was covered in raggedy red hair. He looked like Raggedy Andy had gone on a three-night bender, perhaps that would explain his driving. ¡°Sorry, Ma¡¯am.¡± He said apologetically. ¡°I guess I didn¡¯t see you there.¡±


    Ensure your favorite authors get the support they deserve. Read this novel on Royal Road.


    ¡°Didn¡¯t see me there?¡± Chris echoed. For a second, she was prepared to let the guy have it, but her determination was cut short by observing the genuine expression of embarrassment on the driver¡¯s face. It¡¯s a lot harder to be harsh to someone when they look like a puppy who accidentally made an accident on the floor. ¡°It¡¯s okay¡­ It happens.¡± Chris said with a giant sigh as she handed the man the money.


    She found her way over to her favorite spot, a window seat near the back of the bus. She liked it because it was decently away from everyone entering and exiting, but also the seat with the emergency exit window if something went down. She made herself comfortable as the bus drove away and she started her game of counting the buildings she passed.


    At this moment, staring out of the window, she finally gave in to the urge. What if I am going to hell? The thought was amusing to her, the irony was that she had thought that many times before in a very different context. She remembered when she had first left home, she was all alone in a big world that she was totally unprepared for. During the cold lonely nights laying on park benches or sleeping under bridges, she regretted her choice to leave. She felt guilty for what she had done, and in the dark knew her choice to run away was the worst thing she had ever done. This time there was no turning back, it was the final sin she couldn¡¯t confess. There was no saving her soul now, the only place left to go was down.


    Not to mention her urges, her attractions weren¡¯t lining up with what she had been taught to believe was proper. The regret lay on her shoulders like a massive weight, she was an atlas carrying a world of guilt on her back. She thought about going back to her mother and begging for her forgiveness, but it was too late now. She knew she had made her choice and now she had to live with it, no matter how miserable her existence was. But then something changed.


    Jess had come into her life at just the right time. Christian, who had decided to shorten her name to Chris, was working at a diner when she had spilt an entire glass of tea all over Jess¡¯s lap. Chris was so embarrassed and asked if she could do anything to make up for her blunder. Jess had replied, ¡°Sure, take me out to dinner and we¡¯re even.¡± Chris, not understanding the implications, agreed immediately.


    What ensued was a couple of very awkward first dates. Jess would describe the experiences as quote: ¡®like dating a depressed nun.¡¯ Chris on the other hand felt like she was committing sacrilege, with each meal or movie she shared with this woman she was smearing everything she was ever taught. But if her actions were so bad, why did she feel the need to continue to do them, and why did it feel so good to be around Jess? This thing she knew was wrong was bringing her nothing but joy, for the first time in a long time she felt like she wanted to get out of bed. Could something that harmed no one and brought her the most amount of happiness she had ever experienced in her life truly be a sin?


    A year passed before they had moved in together. They were both young and on their own, so sharing the rent of an apartment was a good idea. By that time all the delusions that her mother had left in her head were gone, she had decided to leave them behind like the last few letters of her old name. For the first time in her life, Chris was truly happy.


    But now the feelings were back, those old, demented thoughts lingered in the distance like an oncoming storm. She knew that who she was wasn¡¯t wrong, no religious prophecies could undo that anymore, but she couldn¡¯t shake the feeling that what her mother had told her might be true. Her dream was lucid, it felt real. Even now she could remember the way her flesh felt as it boiled, but it wasn¡¯t just that. For some reason, she felt lower, not in height but strangely in spirit. It was like her consciousness was being dragged down into a pit, it wasn¡¯t the most pleasant thought.


    As soon as she stepped off the bus, she had another cigarette in her hand. It was the only thing she knew would calm her nerves, even if it left an unfortunate lingering odor on her neon uniform. Walking into work she looked around for Jake, she needed to know if she was working register again. She found him bending over a shipment of canned food. ¡°Hey, Jake, did Dale show up today?¡±


    There was no response.


    ¡°Jake? Hello? Are you going to answer me?¡± No response. She decided that screaming would be her next best option. ¡°JAKE? JAKE? HELLO?¡±


    Jake casually began to open a can of oranges; he made a small opening in the side and put the can to his lips. Nasty and rude. She thought as she walked over and shoved him indignantly.


    If humans were physically capable of jumping out of their skins, Jake would have done so. Orange juice went flying as Jake spun around in a feeble attempt at a karate pose, all the while making a sad hissing noise that could only be described as ¡®sad and defensive.¡¯ ¡°What the hell, Chris?¡± He said, out of breath and shaking. ¡°You can¡¯t just sneak up on people like that, it isn¡¯t right! I could have a heart condition or something!¡±


    ¡°Sneak up?¡± Chris said angrily, all of her patience being spent with the bus driver. ¡°You¡¯ve been doing that to me for forever, and I didn¡¯t even sneak up on you- I practically shouted your ear off but you didn¡¯t even flinch.¡±


    ¡°No, you didn¡¯t, I didn¡¯t hear a damned thing.¡± Jake tried to sound authoritative, but his pride was too damaged to muster it.


    ¡°You must be going deaf then.¡± Chris put her hands on her hips and shook her head.


    Jake wanted to deny this, but he really couldn¡¯t. After the divorce papers arrived in his mailbox along with his bills for child support, Jake didn¡¯t put it past the universe to also add ¡®going deaf¡¯ to his long list of problems. ¡°Eh, you¡¯re probably right¡­ anyway, I need you on the register.¡±


    ¡°Did Dale die again?¡± Chris asked with a roll of her eyes.


    For a second Jake thought about saying yes and pulling another prank, but he couldn¡¯t find the energy. ¡°No, he¡¯s on register too. Busy day today, got at least five cars in the parking lot.¡±


    Chris wondered if Jake was being sarcastic as she headed towards her post. As she approached, she saw Dale was already at the other line across from her, she tried to keep her contempt for him a secret. ¡°Hey Dale, how¡¯s it going?¡± A nice friendly gesture to start the day was always a good idea, even if you hated the person you were giving it to.


    Dale looked up at her and gave her a slight nod. ¡°Good.¡± He said plainly.


    Chris gritted her teeth. ¡°Good.¡±


    Despite the company, the work was greatly appreciated, and Chris could focus on checking out customers rather than think about whether or not she was doomed to eternal fire. Despite the small number of cars reported in the lot, there were actually a good number of shoppers. Most came in to get the usual groceries, though Chris did raise an eyebrow when she saw Dale check out a familiar-looking man with a giant box of margarita mix.


    Near the end of the day and during a lull in business Chris decided to make another attempt at small talk. ¡°So, Dale, seen any good movies lately?¡±


    Dale shrugged. ¡°No.¡±


    Chris dug her nails in her fist. ¡°Have you read any good books?¡±


    Dale paused for a moment before coming back with, ¡°not really.¡±


    Though she was smiling Chris was screaming on the inside. ¡°Have you done¡­ literately anything at all?¡±


    Before this delightful exchange could conclude a customer graciously interposed themselves in Chris¡¯s line. ¡°Hello, how did you find everything today miss?¡± Said Customer Support Chris.


    ¡°Fine, fine.¡± The customer placed all their items on the belt, mostly baking needs with a brief cameo from some Tylenol.


    ¡°That will be 29.36,¡± Chris said.


    The lady didn¡¯t respond, in fact, they seemed particularly different. It looked like a strong breeze had rushed in and had knocked her off their balance. She looked around confused as if waiting for some unknown cue.


    ¡°Ma¡¯am?¡±


    ¡°Oh, sorry.¡± The woman said, seemingly broken from her trance. ¡°How much?¡±


    ¡°29.36?¡± Chris repeated. The lady got her wallet from her purse and scanned a card through the scanner. Chris printed the receipt and handed it over to her, ¡°Thanks, have a good day.¡±


    The lady took the receipt in her hand and stared at it. It was like Chris had placed some rare gem in her hand and she felt the need to study it. With one last distant look around the woman took her things and left, leaving Chris alone and very confused. What was that about?


    When Chris turned back around, she was caught off guard to find Dale standing an inch away from her face. ¡°Ah!¡± She screamed. ¡°Dale what are you¡­¡±


    ¡°Where did you go?¡± Dale interrupted.


    ¡°What?¡±


    ¡°You went somewhere, where did you go?¡±


    ¡°What are you even talking about, Dale?¡± Chris took a step back; things were getting too weird for her liking.


    Dale reached his hand out and touched Chris¡¯s face, she responded by slapping the hand away. ¡°For a second¡­ you weren¡¯t here, Chris.¡±


    Chris¡¯s heart began pounding, she couldn¡¯t tell if she was scared of Dale or if she was afraid of what he was talking about. ¡°You¡¯re scaring me.¡±


    ¡°It was like¡­ it was like you were an outline in a sketch- just a shape where a person should be. ¡± Dale said in a tone Chris had never heard him use- a tone that cared about something. ¡°One second, you¡¯re there and the next you¡¯re not¡­ Then I blink and you¡¯re back again where you should be.¡±


    ¡°Dale you¡¯re being really strange right now.¡± Chris held her hands up and backed even further away. ¡°I don¡¯t know what you saw but believe me I have no idea what you¡¯re talking about.¡±


    Dale seemed to remember himself, he took a step back himself. ¡°Right. Sorry, I¡­ I don¡¯t know what got into me. I¡¯ve just never seen anything like that before.¡±


    ¡°Yeah¡­¡± Chris didn¡¯t know what to say, so she decided to make a tactful retreat. ¡°Hey, my shift is almost up, mind covering for me?¡±


    Dale shrugged, ¡°Sure.¡±


    In the parking lot, Chris¡¯s head was spinning like a roulette wheel at the world¡¯s crummiest casino. Everyone had been acting strangely today and she felt she knew the reason. I¡¯m going to hell. The thought echoed in her head. Just slower than I thought I would.


    But this was absurd, it was nonsense. None of this could possibly be happening because none of this could happen; it was all just some mumbo-jumbo her religious nut of a mom had gotten inside her head. But she couldn¡¯t shake the evidence from her brain. The mirror, the dream, and now the way all these people had been acting didn¡¯t make any sense.


    Chris reached for her cigarettes but stopped when she felt her phone going off. Probably Jess calling to check on me. She picked up the phone and put it to her ear. ¡°Hey, Jess? Thank God you called; I need to talk to you about something- everything is going crazy right now!¡±


    ¡°Oh, I thought it might be.¡± Said a voice that was distinctly not Jess¡¯s.


    ¡°Wait, hello? Who is this?¡±


    ¡°I¡¯m a friend.¡± Said the smooth voice on the other end. ¡°I¡¯m sure you have a lot of questions right now, and understandably so. That mother of yours did a very poor job at explaining if I do say so myself.¡±


    ¡°How did you know about that?¡± Chris demanded. ¡°Did my mother tell you?¡±


    ¡°Oh, I¡¯ve known about this from the very start, Chris.¡± The voice responded kindly. ¡°I never forget a deal.¡±


    Chris clutched the phone tightly in her hand, what was going on? ¡°I¡­¡± She stammered.


    ¡°I can tell you¡¯re just brimming with questions but doing this over the phone would be a hassle. Why don¡¯t we meet up tomorrow? Occam¡¯s Bar on 4th street, your bus route takes you by there, yes?¡±


    ¡°I¡­¡±


    ¡°Splendid!¡± The voice beamed. ¡°I¡¯ll be waiting.¡±


    ¡°Wait!¡± Chris cried into the phone. ¡°I don¡¯t even know your name.¡±


    ¡°My name? Well, I¡¯ve got quite a few. Some names are more flattering than others, but that¡¯s beside the point.¡± Said the voice on the other end, with a sort of cheery delight. ¡°But you can call me, the Devil. Nice to meet you Chris¡­ see you soon.¡±

 5. Broken

    Maria was woken up by the sound of a loud bang followed by shattering, she knew immediately that it was coming from her daughter¡¯s room. Quickly she threw on her robe and rushed over to the door. She fumbled in her pocket for the key before undoing the latch that was meant to keep her daughter safe, but now she feared was doing the opposite. The lock clicked and she swung open the door and was surprised to see her daughter sitting alone in the darkness. Maria was confused, that is until she nearly pierced herself on what remained of the lamp in the doorway.


    ¡°What did you do?¡± Maria asked calmly, though it was clear to Christian that she was upset.


    ¡°I broke the lamp.¡± Chris retorted. ¡°Isn¡¯t that obvious?¡±


    Christian had never used that tone with her before, it was disrespectful and brash- Maria didn¡¯t like it. ¡°Why did you do it?¡± Christian didn¡¯t reply, instead, she just stared at her mother waiting for a response. ¡°Do you remember that it is a sin to not respect your parents?¡±


    Christian seemed to take a moment to build up the nerve to respond. ¡°I-I know.¡± She said hesitantly before raising her arms and wildly gesturing to her room. ¡°But what are going to do about it? Lock me in my room? I¡¯m already here.¡±


    Maria didn¡¯t know what to say, she thought that her daughter had been taught better than to behave like this. She felt the need to yell at her, tell her how truly rotten she was but she couldn¡¯t. She never raised her voice to her daughter; she barely would change her tone. ¡°You could have been harmed.¡± She said, looking down at the sharp remains. ¡°What if I never heard a sound?¡±


    ¡°Maybe you should unlock the door so that if I needed you, I could come get you- like how a normal door works,¡± Christian said, surprised by her own bitterness.


    ¡°That door is to keep you safe. It is to keep you from making any more mistakes that could cost you your eternal life. It is there to make sure that you never¡­¡± Christian didn¡¯t notice but for a small glimmer of an instant, it looked like Maria wanted to cry. ¡°The door is there so that you cannot harm yourself.¡±


    Christian buried her head in her arms, concealing a sob. ¡°I¡¯m not going to hurt myself, mom.¡±


    ¡°Your adventure on the balcony tells me otherwise.¡± Maria countered sternly. ¡°I distinctly tell you not to go somewhere for your own good, and yet you do it anyway just to disobey me. You know that the fall would kill you and that is why you are in here even now.¡±


    Christian felt the urge to yell boil in her chest, she wanted to tell her mother all the ugly things she had ever thought about her. But instead, she just replied, ¡°I¡¯m sorry."


    ¡°Good, you may confess this at our next service.¡± Maria crossed her arms. ¡°Now, I must clean up this mess.¡±


    Christian got up from where she was sitting. ¡°No, I can do it.¡± But as she took a step forward, she forgot herself and suddenly felt a ringing pain shoot through her leg. ¡°Ah!¡±


    Christian fell backwards onto the floor raising her foot to find a remnant of the lamp embedded in the heel of her foot. Tears instantly began to fall from her eyes and a sliver of blood began to trickle to the floor. Maria acted quickly, in a second, she was at the medicine cabinet grabbing ointment and bandages and in the next, she was at her daughter¡¯s side. ¡°Hold still.¡± She said, raising the injured foot in one hand.


    With a quick motion Maria pulled the shard out of her daughter¡¯s foot, Christian nearly fainted as she let out a little cry. ¡°Mom, it hurts!¡±


    Maria used a cloth to dry up some of the blood from the wound before coating the bandages in the ointment. Slowly she wrapped the bandages around the foot and tied a knot at the top, she inspected her work before standing back up. ¡°You should be fine, the pain will not last.¡±


    Christian looked up at her mother and saw her looking down at her. For the first time in a very long time, she felt like her mother actually cared for her. Though nothing in the way she talked or acted showed it, Christian couldn¡¯t help but feel that her mother was truly worried for her. ¡°Thank you, mom.¡± She spoke. ¡°I¡¯m¡­ sorry I said all those things. I love you.¡±


    Maria didn¡¯t say a word, instead, she just nodded and went to retrieve the broom.


    ...


    A case of literary theft: this tale is not rightfully on Amazon; if you see it, report the violation.


    Maria had just had a troubling day, after four years of searching she had finally found her daughter- but she feared that it would be too late. When she had first discovered her absence, Maria had gone on a long search by herself to locate her lost lamb. Christian was a disobedient child who enjoyed getting into trouble, but that alone wouldn¡¯t mean that a fifteen-year-old girl would be safe in the wild world outside. Maria feared that if she couldn¡¯t find her soon, she would never find her at all. But no matter where she looked or who she asked, she simply couldn¡¯t find her little Christian.


    Next, Maria contacted the authorities, but they were no help. They seemed to be taken off guard by her calm demeanor, if she wasn¡¯t that worried about it why should they be? But in truth, Maria was deeply concerned about what could befall her daughter, and so took the next steps to finding her. Missing person posters, newspaper ads, prayer circles, and then finally she turned to private investigators. She went through quite a few of them over the years, most turned up dead ends while others offered scraps of hope that all eventually lead to nothing but disappointment. Maria feared that she would not be able to find her before it was too late, the time was approaching and there was no way to tell if Christian had done what she needed to do. But one day, she got a lead.


    Her private investigator, who was turning out to be like all the rest who had failed, surprised Maria one day with the news that he had found a lead. A girl named Chris was reported to have been seen working in a supermarket in the city, and she fit the description of what a grown-up Christian may look like. Maria headed there right away.


    Maria was normally a very unflinching person, so much so that people often wondered if she felt anything at all inside. But seeing her daughter so different from the way she was when she had left her all those years ago, stirred something deep within her. Christian had changed so much from how she was a kid and yet somehow seemed to be exactly the same. Her posture was different, much less proper, and more relaxed. She had altered the way she did her hair; it was much more rugged and untidy than the way that Maria had done it for her. But still, Maria could see it in her eyes, she was still her little Christian. But now was not the time for outward appearances, now was the time to inform her daughter of the situation.


    Naturally, she didn¡¯t listen to her warnings, didn¡¯t listen to her pleas. Maria was quite aware that Christian tended to do things to harm herself just so that she could disobey her, but this wasn¡¯t about a swing set or a balcony- this was about her soul. She pleaded with her daughter to do what she needed to do, to marry and conceive a child was the only way- but she would have none of it. Maria just wanted her daughter to listen, and suddenly for the first time in her life, Maria raised her voice.


    It caught herself off guard, she had never used that tone before. It felt wrong like she had done something that was never meant to be done. Perhaps it was because of how serious the situation was, her daughter being only days away from the eternal flame. But that was it was it, there was something else that was happening to her.


    The drive was long, so she arrived in the early hours of the morning at her home, to her cold lonely house that she had maintained all by herself for all those years. Maria had never felt safe in her home, she knew that sin and the devil were prevalent everywhere and that no place was exempt from this rule. But as she walked through the doorway, she felt different, it seemed to her that the inside of her house had somehow changed. She did not like the feeling.


    Everything was in its proper place, pictures hung where they ought to be, doors lead where they were supposed to go, the crosses were still placed over every door- nothing was wrong, but everything wasn¡¯t right. She looked around her house and it seemed to her like she was seeing it for the first time. She felt like a stranger in her own house which sent shivers down her spine.


    She came to her room, a vacant empty space that kept only the essentials of her bed and her dresser. She thought about how lonely it was to sleep by herself on such a large bed, she missed the warmth of her husband. Her husband? Now that was something she hadn¡¯t thought of for quite some time. She wondered why she never thought of him, why she never went looking for him on the day he didn¡¯t show up. Suddenly Maria wished to be rid of this room and she left it in a hurry.


    Exiting her room, she could help but catch a glimpse of Christian¡¯s old room, she felt compelled to look. It was exactly like the day she ran away, the only things that were missing were a bag and a couple of her clothes. Christian¡¯s old dolls and stuffed animals still sat at the foot of the bed, as if they were guarding it for her eventual return. Maria felt empty in this room like something was missing. Of course, her daughter was gone, but there was something missing inside of herself- like a piece of a puzzle that had been misplaced.


    She remembered the day she had given birth to her child. The sun had just barely risen above the skyline and the nurse had placed Christian in her arms. Maria knew that now should be a happy time and she knew that she should be overjoyed, but deep down she felt nothing. Was this normal? She had wondered, but she never received an answer.


    She turned to leave but stopped in her tracks when she noticed the lock on the outside of the door. She ran her fingers over the cold metal, remembering all the times she had used it to keep her daughter away from harm. But that wasn¡¯t why she really used it, was it? She knew that very well, though she only admitted that to herself now.


    Standing there she didn¡¯t know what to do, where did she go from here? But as she thought, something came over her. It was like being hit by a bus, it came swiftly and without warning. Maria fell to her knees and clutched her chest; she had no idea what was happening, but she did know that it hurt. For the first time in many years, Maria screamed at the top of her lungs, but no one was around to hear her.

 6. Confessions

    ¡°Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. It has been one week since my last confession.¡± Christian felt her knees begin to sting on the hardwood of the kneeler, but she was used to this feeling by now. She had been in this tiny room many times before, so much so that she could practically identify each scratch or imperfection that showed in the walls around her. She composed herself before she continued, ¡°I have sinned many times by disobeying my mother, I have thought impure thoughts, and¡­¡± Her voice trailed off.


    ¡°Christian?¡± Said Father Peter from the other side of the tinted screen. He had taken her confession many, many times before- it had almost become routine. Hearing a pause from Christian lead him to believe that something was the matter. ¡°Is there something wrong?¡±


    ¡°I¡­¡± Christian stumbled, her heart was twisted in knots and her words came out hesitantly. ¡°I don¡¯t know, Father. It¡¯s just that¡­ When we were told how to do confession, we were taught to confess the things we did wrong and the things we felt sorry for. I think I can¡¯t confess right now.¡±


    ¡°Why is that?¡±


    ¡°Because I don¡¯t feel sorry for it.¡± Christian blurted. ¡°We¡¯re supposed to confess the things we feel bad about, but I¡¯m not sorry I disobeyed my mother.¡±


    Father Peter rubbed his greying beard thoughtfully. ¡°It is alright to confess things that you do not feel sorry about but still know were wrong.¡± He replied.


    Christian took that in for a moment, before asking. ¡°Why is it wrong to disobey my mother?¡±


    Father Peter raised an eyebrow. ¡°Because it is written that way.¡± He began. ¡°Our mothers and fathers are there to guide us when we are young. They tell us to do and to not do things to keep us safe- to keep us from harm and from going down the wrong path.¡±


    ¡°But what if your parents tell you to do something that you don¡¯t want to do, or what if ask you to do something bad?¡± Christian asked, she felt her heart beating quicker, she had never asked so many questions before. ¡°What if they say, ¡®hey you, jump off that bridge,¡¯ is it a sin not to obey them just because they¡¯re your parent?¡±


    ¡°Your parent should never ask you to do such a thing.¡± Father Peter countered. ¡°Of course, it is not a sin to preserve your own life.¡±


    Christian was confused, it didn¡¯t make any sense to her anymore. It was like she was poking a hole into a balloon and all the rules she ever followed were beginning to seep out. ¡°There¡¯re so many rules!¡± She shouted. ¡°Sometimes I think that the bible isn¡¯t the holy scripture, sometimes I think it¡¯s just a big rulebook we¡¯re bound to!¡±


    There was a long period of silence from the other end of the screen, Christian wondered if she had offended him. ¡°You are right.¡±


    ¡°What?¡± Christian was taken off guard.


    ¡°You are right Christian; many things do not make sense.¡± Father Peter began, his voice was low and filled with purpose. ¡°Not everything written in the bible makes sense. Many rules must be interrupted, some need to be changed, and there are other rules that we must ignore. But what is fundamental to our belief, to any belief for that matter, is the belief itself. For me, my belief is what makes me whole, it is what allows me to change the lives of the people around me for the better. I believe in what I am doing, so I know it to be true.¡±


    ¡°I¡­¡±


    ¡°Allow me to finish.¡± Father Peter interrupted. ¡°That is my belief, Christian. But for you, that may be different. For me, these rules guide me to fulfil what I think is my purpose, but for you, they may seem to constrict you. You are not happy with these beliefs, that much is clear, they do not allow you to be what you want to be. Although I wish that there was something that I could do to change your mind, make you see the scripture the way I see it, you must make up your own mind. If you do not believe in what we teach, or what your mother teaches, you are under no obligation to follow them.¡±


    Christian was speechless, this wasn¡¯t something that she was expecting to hear. Deep down inside she felt a stirring, a cocktail of unease and apprehension was boiling over. But at the same time, she felt relieved. It was like someone had finally said the magic words and freed her from a terrible curse.


    ¡°Now,¡± Father Peter began again, softly. ¡°Would you like to continue with your confession?¡±


    Christian thought long and hard for a moment, then rose to her feet. ¡°I¡­ I don¡¯t think I will, Father.¡±


    ...


    Normally Chris had basic concern for the people around her, but with the events of today, no one could blame her for smoking on the bus. She thought about rolling down the window, but with the rain that had just started, so she reckoned that was a bad idea. So instead, she chose to indulge herself, despite the looks she got from the driver and some of the passengers. The smoke was the only thing that could calm her nerves and consequentially the only thing keeping her from having a breakdown. I wonder if I would scream out loud or break down into tears? She thought, taking a deep breath of nicotine. Hell, I¡¯d probably start laughing.


    Chris wasn¡¯t sure if she was having the worst day ever, but she was confident it was in the top one-hundred- or at least an honorable mention. She had supposedly been disappearing from people since she woke up and had just taken a call from someone who claimed that they were the devil. This wasn¡¯t how she pictured her day would go, even if she had a thousand years¡¯ worth of predictions. It''s something out of a nightmare- maybe she was still dreaming? No, the pinch didn¡¯t work, damn.


    Chris got off the bus, much to the glee of the smoke-filled passengers. Rain poured down on her as she made a mad rush to her apartment, Chris regretted not bringing an umbrella. She reached the door ready to tell Jess all about her really bad, shitty, no-good day when she realized something. She felt the empty space in her pocket, she had forgotten again.


    ¡°Babe, Babe, I¡¯m locked out.¡± She spoke into the microphone, waiting for her inevitable verbal torture to begin. ¡°Look, it¡¯s raining, please be quick!¡±


    The speaker buzzed. ¡°Hello?¡±


    ¡°Babe, it¡¯s me! I forgot my card again and it¡¯s raining buckets out here!¡±


    ¡°Who¡¯s there?¡±


    ¡°It¡¯s me, Babe. Please come open the door?¡± The speaker was silent, Chris waited in agony as the rain pounded on top of her. She knew she had to have been resembling a wet puppy at the moment and she cursed the architect that forgot to put any sort of shelter at the door. ¡°Hurry, please!¡±


    ¡°I¡¯m¡­¡± Jess¡¯s voice trailed off into static. ¡°I¡¯m¡­¡±


    ¡°Jess, are you alright? Can you hear me?¡±


    ¡°Who¡­ are you?¡±


    ¡°It¡¯s Chris! Your girlfriend?¡±


    ¡°I don¡¯t know¡­ I don¡¯t know who you are.¡±


    ¡°What are you talking about, babe?¡± Chris was starting to get annoyed. ¡°Please don¡¯t joke right now, I¡¯m sorry I forgot to find the card again!¡±


    ¡°I¡¯m sorry.¡± Said Jess, hesitantly. ¡°I don¡¯t remember you.¡±


    Chris was dumbfounded. ¡°Yes, you do, Jess. It¡¯s me! Chris, your girlfriend. You know, the girl who spilt a giant glass of tea on your lap? The girl who lives with you? The idiot who decided that they wanted to make their own vanilla pudding and spilt it all over the carpet? Jess, you know who I am, so quit pretending and let me in!¡±


    The speaker was silent for a very long time, Chris would have hoped Jess was headed down to help her, but she could hear her breathing deeply on the other end. ¡°I¡¯m sorry, I don¡¯t.¡± The answer came back. ¡°Goodbye.¡±


    ¡°What? Wait, Jess? Jess, what¡¯s wrong?¡± Chris shouted in the microphone, but no matter what she said she would get no response.


    Chris couldn¡¯t think about this right now, she had more pressing issues to deal with. If she stayed in this rain for much longer, she would surely catch something serious. She ran back to the bus stop where she was safe from the rain in its little hovel. Chris sat down on the little bench and just thought, that seemed to be the only thing she could do at the moment.


    Why is she doing this to me? I know I forgot the card, but this is harsh. She took out another cigarette, only to realize that her lighter was out of fluid. Figures, I should have stolen a better one. Now, officially, today can¡¯t get even worse. Jess¡­ Why would you do this? You¡¯ve never¡­ Oh, I see. I¡¯m not just disappearing, am I? It¡¯s much deeper than that.


    Chris put the cigarette in her mouth anyway, she had read about something in one of Jess¡¯s textbooks called the ¡®placebo effect¡¯ and was willing it to happen to herself now. People can¡¯t see me anymore, it¡¯s possible that they are starting to forget me too. Oh, God¡­ This is really happening, isn¡¯t it? Mom was telling me the truth¡­ I¡¯m actually going to hell.


    Love this novel? Read it on Royal Road to ensure the author gets credit.


    Chris sat alone with nothing but her dead phone, a half-empty packet of Marlboro¡¯s, and her ugly neon green uniform. Soon the night came, and Chris was left without a bed or a place to go. The nearest hotel was miles away and even if she got there, she wouldn¡¯t be able to afford a room. But this wasn¡¯t the first time that Chis had been in this situation, it almost felt like d¨¦j¨¤ vu. Looking around she found that someone had left a newspaper behind, and it had fallen behind the bench. It was soaking wet, but you get what you get. Chris laid the newspaper down on the bench and rested her head on top of it as she curled her body into a ball. She was in luck; this bench was much more comfortable than the ones she had slept on before. Some sicko designers had made it so that a lot of park and city benches would have grooves in them so that they would become colder and discourage the homeless to sleep on them.


    Laying there Chris remembered all those lonely nights when she had been cold and alone, wondering if she would wake up in the morning. Very few things had been good about those days, but she did remember how much she was comforted by looking up and seeing all the bright moon shimmering behind the clouds. If it could still hang there in the sky for all that time, surely she would be able to make it passed the night. But now there were only clouds, and Chris was sure she would wake up when the sun rose. It was the day after that concerned her.


    ¡­


    She knew that it was happening again, but she could do nothing to stop it.


    Chris felt as her body tighten as if a giant hand was squeezing her in its palm. She tried to wiggle and push her way out of whatever force was keeping her still, but she was paralyzed. Nothing she did mattered now, that she was certain of, now all she could do was suffer.


    Something was pulling her down, it was like she was being pulled below the waves in the middle of a flood and there was no way to pull herself up for air. But here there was no air, there was no water, there was nothing at all- only numbness. She felt it creep along her body again, this time it spread faster and took hold sooner. For a moment Chris almost felt comforted by the feeling, maybe she would never have to feel anything ever again. But rushing in from somewhere deep below she began to feel the flame lite inside her body.


    There have been a countless number of people who have met their demise in flame, those people were lucky. Flame acts quick, it spreads fast and consumes whatever it touches. Fire is ruthless, having no qualm with what it burns, its only intent is to fill the world in ash and rubble. But Chris did not have the luxury of a quick death, she did not receive the mercy of turning into ash and soot. The flame on Chris¡¯s skin did not consume her, it only burned her- it was as if it were mocking her.


    With every passing second, she wished it would be her last. She hoped that the bright blue flame that engulfed her body would finally take pity on her and let her go, but the flame was not kind. Through the agony she knew that she was steadily being pulled deeper and deeper in this place, and as she fell the pain got worse and worse.


    The indescribable torment went on for what seemed like days, even weeks. Chris did not believe in God anymore, but now she prayed that he would kill her- end this pain. But he did not answer, the only response she got was the sound of the crackling of her own skin.


    ¡­


    Chris did not wake up screaming as she had done before, her lungs had long since been deprived of air. Instead, she woke up falling on the cold hard cement, her body shaking and convulsing like someone was shocking her. The relief she felt to be awake was indescribable. The stern ground seemed to be a welcoming friend in the face of what she had just experienced. She would have cried for joy if her eyes had not run out of moisture. But laying there it slowly dawned on her, a dark revelation that shook her to her core even more than the dream did. Tomorrow she might never wake up from that nightmare, tomorrow her dream could become her reality.


    She stood to her feet and tried to compose herself. It¡¯s okay, Chris. You¡¯ve still got today. We can change this. She thought, only half believing herself. We have to change this, and there¡¯s only one person who knows how to do that.


    Chris had remembered the location of Occam¡¯s Bar, her habit of counting houses on the way to work had its benefits. All she needed to do was get there, which seemed like it was going to be tricky. If the bus driver had not been able to see her last morning, chances are that it wasn¡¯t going to happen today. The thought that she would have to walk was dreadful to her, her body was already ringing from sleeping on a bench for an entire night. But as she resigned herself to her fate, she got very lucky.


    A man approached the bus stop and sat down directly beside her. Just as Chris had thought, the man payed her no mind. It was like she was invisible; Chris would¡¯ve been excited by this prospect under different circumstances. As the bus rolled in it stopped for the man who quickly boarded it, followed even quicker by Chris who just barely dodged the closing doors behind her. She felt like a spy on a top-secret mission, she only hoped that no one would choose her seat and wonder what they were sitting on.


    The bus ride was quick, and Chris nearly missed her exit, forgetting for just a moment that no one was going to stop and wait for her. Chris surveyed her surroundings, Hello 4th Street, it isn¡¯t nice to meet you.


    Chris had become very familiar with this particular street, being on the way to work she must have seen it a thousand times by now. But she only needed to see it once to know to stay away from it. In the old days, this street had housed many small businesses and back then it thrived. But like water sanding down rocks, eventually that all changed. The businesses began to fail, the people started to leave, and 4th Street became a wasteland. The buildings seemed to slowly be falling down as if they were tired of holding their own weight. The road was littered with garbage, as tends to be the case when no one is around to pick it up. Chris hated being here, she felt uneasy. It was as if the ghosts of the people that once thrived here were looking at her walk passed the ruins of their old lives.


    But among all the empty buildings and drifting garbage sat one exception. Chris approached it now and took a deep breath when she saw its sign.


    Welcome to Occam¡¯s Bar!


    The Simplest Solution to a Good Drink!


    Occam¡¯s Bar sat between two larger buildings and the differences were uncanny. While all the other structures were rundown and abandoned, the bar was immaculate. Its clean and glistening deep red paint drowned out everything that was around it, as though the street itself didn¡¯t exist. Chris shuddered; she didn¡¯t like it.


    She approached the door and reached out her hand to touch its curling ivory handle. Am I really about to meet the Devil? Chris thought to herself. Memories of all the lessons and teachings that she had been taught for her entire childhood came flooding back to her. She had been told many things about the Devil like how they will tempt you with desire or make you do things that you shouldn¡¯t do. Others said that they were the root cause of everything bad that ever happened throughout all of the time. But the one thing that they all taught was to stay as far away from the Devil as you could, which was the one thing that Chris was about to do right now.


    Chris didn¡¯t know what she would see when she opened the door. It could be that she was walking right into the gates of hell or maybe she was about to meet a tall, red man with a giant fork. I hate to say it but, I don¡¯t have anything to lose.


    The inside of the bar was as remarkable as the outside. Tables lined the walls made with a smooth dark wood that matched with the long bar that sat in front of shelves of the nicest liquor. The air was traced with a blend of cigar smoke and whisky and the lights dimly lit the dark red walls. Some patrons had already gathered and arranged themselves in various seats, despite it still being the day. Chris reasoned that it made sense for more people to be at the bar on a Saturday morning than what she would expect, or maybe it was just always like this.


    ¡°Hello, Chris!¡± Called a voice from the back of the bar. ¡°Over here!¡±


    Chris stood still; this was the moment she would meet the Devil. She hated admitting it to herself, but Chris felt terrified to turn and face them. Every beat of her heart told her she should run and get away from here, but her mind knew she had nowhere else to go. So, slowly, she turned to face the person who she had spent her whole life avoiding.


    The Devil sat alone in their seat, welcomingly gesturing towards an empty chair across from them. On their face they wore a smile that was subdued but cheerful, they seemed to be wearing it very well. On their body, they had placed clothes that wouldn¡¯t be too out of the ordinary, a dark suit with a long red scarf around their neck. They had chosen to wear eyes that lured in the gaze, to some the warm look of a friend and to others the predator preparing to pounce. Each movement seemed rehearsed, like an actor in a play, yet still done with ease.


    Chris slowly approached them, acting as calmly as she could, and slid into the chair. ¡°You¡¯ve made it.¡± The Devil beamed. ¡°I¡¯m glad you decided to take me up on my offer.¡±


    ¡°Y-you said you could tell me what was happening to me?¡± Chris tried to sound brave and failed.


    ¡°I did.¡± Said the Devil, adjusting their smile to grin. ¡°But first, would you like something to drink? It¡¯s on me, of course.¡±


    ¡°I-I can¡¯t.¡± Chris hated herself for stammering.


    ¡°Ah yes, I should¡¯ve remembered. Not twenty-one yet, my mistake.¡± The Devil thought for a moment before standing up. ¡°But I think that can be ignored, just for right now at least. After all, chances are that you aren¡¯t going to be able to enjoy that particular milestone.¡±


    Chris watched as the Devil moved their body over to the bar and began to speak with the bartender. Get it together, Chris. You can¡¯t be scared now; this is your only opportunity to get some answers.


    After a minute the Devil came back with drinks in either hand. ¡°Here you go, I made a guess at what you¡¯d like.¡± The Devil guided their hand and sat a Bloody Mary in front of Chris.


    Chris didn¡¯t go to take a sip, instead, they held their ground. ¡°My mom always taught me that the Devil would try and lead me astray. Is this what this is? Trying to get me to commit some sort of sin?¡±


    Hearing what Chris had said they let out a little chuckle. ¡°That would be clever, now wouldn¡¯t it. But no, I¡¯m not leading you astray, Chris. I just find that any conversation becomes much more enjoyable when alcohol is involved.¡± The Devil had put a darkly colored drink to their lips and to all observers they seemed to be drinking it.


    ¡°I need to know what¡¯s happening to me.¡± Demanded Chris, being as direct as possible. ¡°I need to know how to stop it.¡±


    ¡°I think you already know what¡¯s happening to you. You¡¯ve felt your nightmares, you¡¯ve seen the flames, and you know where you¡¯re going tomorrow. Your mother may have warned you much too late, but she was telling you the truth, you are going to hell- just sooner and slower than you pictured.¡±


    ¡°Then what can I do to stop it¡­ There has to be a way.¡±


    The Devil chuckled. ¡°I could tell you how to stop it if I wanted to, but you wouldn¡¯t understand me if I did.¡±


    ¡°Then make me understand.¡±


    ¡°It¡¯s a long story, I¡¯m afraid.¡±


    ¡°I have time.¡±


    ¡°Do you?¡±


    Chris looked up at the clock and her heart sank to her feet. Time always flies when time is of the essence, and it seemed Chris¡¯s time was eager to get away from her. Already it was passed noon, whatever nightmare that she had experienced must have kept her asleep for longer than it should have. Chris tried to sturdy herself.


    ¡°I can only hope.¡± She replied, picking up her drink and taking a sip. She almost hated how much she actually liked it.


    ¡°That¡¯s what I love to hear.¡± The Devil leaned back in their chair and pulled their mouth further back into a big wide smile. ¡°Now¡­ how should I start? I know! In the beginning¡­¡±

 7. Deals

    I remember it rather well; it was on one of those evenings when the moon was out early, and the sun was just going to bed on the horizon. The people were buzzing to their homes like worker bees returning to the hive. They nestled down and locked their doors, allowing themselves to believe that they were safe to fall asleep. It was quite the opposite for me, I was out and about as I always was. The position of the sun does not concern me, I am always awake.


    I find that at nighttime people are more honest with themselves. Under the moonlight, people reveal their deepest desires and darkest fantasies, the things that they would shudder to say in the illuminating light of day. Maybe it¡¯s because the darkness around them feels like a blanket, a thin shroud of security that assures them that it¡¯s safe to come out. Or maybe it¡¯s the opposite? Maybe the light of day is too revealing for them, and they skitter away from it like bugs under a branch. Whatever the case may be, this was my time to play.


    I pride myself on my keen eye, I can see things that you wouldn¡¯t believe. I can see the thoughts inside your head bubbling to the surface, I can see the desire rising in your heart, but the thing that I see the most is your sin. What an interesting thing sin is, what a nasty, repugnant little thing. It¡¯s something that you all do, so much so that some of you often fit it into your daily routine. But none of you want to admit it, you prefer to hide behind the mirage of perfection that you project into the world. How funny, the one thing that universally unites humanity without question is the one thing that you will never acknowledge.


    On this day I saw a woman, or perhaps she saw me first. She very much reminded me of you. She was young but her eyes told me that she had seen enough for a lifetime. She stood tall and proud, her posture rivaling some of the sternest soldiers I know. Unlike you, however, I could smell her faith on her. The devote have a presence, a scent that lingers around them like a shield. This intrigued me, she seemed like the sort of person that should be in a pew- not in the presence of someone like me. We sat across from each other, and I knew immediately what she wanted. But of course, I let her tell me, I am nothing if not polite.


    She was hesitant, they always are. Her thoughts were flushed with doubt and worry, two things that go together better than wick and fire. But while her mind was swirling with inaction, her desire burned hotter than the sun. Outwardly I appeared calm, I always do, but on the inside, I waited readily.


    ¡°I need a child.¡± She said to me.


    ¡°Then have one.¡± I toyed with her. ¡°People are doing it all the time; believe me I know.¡±


    She broke my gaze for a moment, if I wasn¡¯t as observant as I was, I would have mistaken her ashamedness for embarrassment. ¡°I¡­ I can¡¯t.¡±


    ¡°Oh, I see. That is a real shame now, isn¡¯t it? God rolled your genetic dice and you struck out in that department, what a pity.¡± I would have offered a hand of support, but I reasoned that she would run away if I made any sudden moves. ¡°Now, what do you want me to do about that?¡±


    ¡°I want you to give me a child.¡±


    ¡°But Maria, we¡¯ve barely met.¡±


    This time her look away was most certainly of embarrassment. ¡°You know my name?¡± She replied slowly- I like it when they¡¯re observant.


    ¡°You think I didn¡¯t? Come now, you¡¯ve read the good book hundreds of times, you should know that I am great when it comes to names.¡±


    ¡°I know the word of God.¡± She replied immediately, almost like it had been rehearsed. ¡°I know about you and what you do, and I am not a fool enough to know that speaking to you right now is a sin in and of itself.¡±


    ¡°So why are you gracing me with your company then?¡±


    ¡°Because¡­¡± Her words moved slowly from her mouth, she regretted having to say them. ¡°I must fulfill my duty.¡±


    Now that wasn¡¯t something that I was expecting. ¡°Your duty?¡±


    ¡°It is my duty to bear a child, it is my duty to bring life into this world and if I can¡¯t do that¡­ I will surely be punished.¡±


    This thing that I wear as a head tilted to the side and looked at her for a good long while. That scent she wore was strong on this one. So young and yet so many ideals crammed into her brain already- thoughts that had been drilled into her so much that she forgot that they were just ideas, now they were her beliefs.


    ¡°So, you¡¯ve come to me because you believe that you¡¯re doomed otherwise?¡± I held back a laugh. ¡°How intriguing.¡±


    She shifted in her seat. ¡°I have come to you because you are the only option left. I have spoken with many priests, doctors, and specialists, non have been able to help me. If there was any other way I would be as far from your presence as I could make myself.¡±


    ¡°But here you are, making deals with the devil.¡± I couldn¡¯t help but smile. ¡°How¡­ Ironic.¡±


    ¡°Can you or can you not help me?¡±


    ¡°Yes, I can most certainly help you.¡± Here I leaned in, making sure that I could look into her eyes. ¡°But it will cost you your soul.¡±


    I could see her very soul shake within her like it knew what was being discussed. ¡°I cannot agree to that.¡±


    ¡°I¡¯m terribly sorry about that, I suppose there will be no little feet scurrying around your house then.¡±


    ¡°If I were to give you my soul it would defeat my purpose of being here,¡± Maria argued. ¡°I am here to save my soul, not damn it.¡±


    ¡°And you are in no position to bargain. By your logic, your soul is doomed anyway. All I need to do is wait and it will be mine regardless, so really there would be no point in helping you. I hate to be blunt, my dear, but you have nothing I want.¡±


    ¡°What about something more than a soul?¡± Her voice was desperate, like a gambler on their final bet. ¡°What if I were to give you something that you have never had before.¡±


    ¡°What is that?¡± I asked, quizzically.


    ¡°A body and a soul, all at once.¡±


    It is not often when a person can surprise me, but for the first time in a very long time, I was caught off guard. ¡°I¡¯m listening.¡±


    ¡°If you give me what I have asked for, then I will give you a soul and a body that you may take with you to hell.¡±


    ¡°That is¡­ an intriguing thought, I do admit. But I¡¯m afraid it wouldn¡¯t work. I can¡¯t just drag a body down into the depths when I want to, I don¡¯t have that power.¡±


    ¡°But what if they were pledged to you? What if you were allowed to do it?¡±


    ¡°Then¡­ I suppose I could.¡± I replied. ¡°Though it is very unorthodox. But what body and soul would I be taking? Oh, don¡¯t tell me you¡¯re one of those graverobbing types! I do hope you don¡¯t have some corpse lying about, I can¡¯t take a soul from one of those anyway- the dead no longer have a place for a soul to be taken or given. Surely it isn¡¯t yours, that much is obvious. Perhaps that husband of yours, he seems like the sort of man that one would want to drag to hell.¡±


    ¡°My child¡¯s.¡±


    I am hesitant to admit this, but I was stunned. The only thing that I could do was laugh and laugh I did. After I had stopped, I saw that she had turned a deathly pale, people tend to go white when they hear me laugh. ¡°Now that is absolutely diabolical, which is a lot coming from me! You want me to give you a child so that your soul can be saved, and then you turn around immediately after and offer me that child in return?¡±


    ¡°Not immediately.¡± She corrected, color slowly returning to her face. ¡°I¡­ I wish for them to grow older before you take them.¡±


    ¡°But why? Why not spare yourself the hassle and just get rid of it the moment you have it?¡±


    Maria went quiet for a moment; I could see her thoughts so she couldn¡¯t hide her twisted plan from me. ¡°I have my reasons.¡±


    ¡°Now you truly are something, Maria. Normally it¡¯s me who makes the twisted deals, but you¡¯ve done so quite nicely by yourself.¡±


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    ¡°Do we have a deal?¡±


    ¡°Wait just a moment,¡± I said with a deep grin. ¡°There¡¯s just one more thing I need.¡±


    Maria tilted her head, hoping that I had not seen through her ruse. ¡°What is that?¡±


    ¡°I need a collateral, something to keep me satiated while I wait for our deal to come through. I believe that your soul should do nicely.¡±


    ¡°But¡­¡±


    ¡°Of course, when I get what you¡¯ve offered me, it will be returned to you.¡± I continued. ¡°It won¡¯t be damaged, I promise. I¡¯m a Devil of my word.¡±


    Maria thought for a moment, but she already knew that she would have to agree. ¡°I agree.¡±


    ¡°Wonderful! But know if the terms of this agreement are broken the deal is off. If you do not uphold your end of the bargain, then I won¡¯t be bothered to uphold mine.¡± I spoke. ¡°Do you understand what I mean?¡±


    I watched Maria¡¯s face go grave, she understood what I meant. ¡°I do.¡±


    ¡°Excellent.¡± I replied. ¡°Now how long will you wish for this poor, damned child of yours to walk about?¡±


    ¡°I think¡­ I think that twenty years will do.¡±


    Slowly my arm reached across the table. ¡°Do we have a deal, Maria?¡±


    Her hand, raising slowly as she finalized her decision, grabbed mine and shook. ¡°We have a deal.¡±


    ...


    Chris had listened intently; her life did actually depend on it. She hung to every word searching it for some hidden meaning that may lurk beneath the surface. But instead of getting answers all she seemed to get were more questions. ¡°So, all of this, everything that is happening to me is because of my mother?¡±


    ¡°Yes, as is the case for everyone else who ever lived.¡± The Devil replied smoothly.


    ¡°I¡­¡± Chris didn¡¯t know how to respond, what was the correct way to act after learning your mom made a deal with the Devil? ¡°You made me?¡±


    ¡°Oh, no.¡± The Devil¡¯s hand raised dismissively and waved the notion away. ¡°I¡¯m afraid I cannot take the credit for your creation; your mom and dad are the culprits of that. The only thing that I did was make some adjustments, I simply rerolled your mother¡¯s genetic dice so that she was able to have a child again.¡±


    ¡°Oh, how very kind of you.¡± Chris¡¯s words were tempered with spite and sarcasm.


    ¡°There was nothing kind about it.¡± The Devil took another sip of their drink. ¡°In fact, it was rather cruel.¡±


    ¡°Did you bring me here just to gloat?¡± Chris attempted to calm herself, but right now she couldn¡¯t care less about being polite. ¡°Are you mocking me? You were never going to tell me how to stop this from happening, were you? You brought me here just to tell me it¡¯s my mother¡¯s fault?¡±


    ¡°My dear, if I wanted to torment you, I would never have said a word to you. I would have watched you suffer and burn without ever knowing why, and I would have reveled in your agony.¡± The Devil had lost all luster in their voice, they were no longer playing- now they were being absolutely serious. ¡°But most importantly, I have already told you how you could stop it- which is more than I ever needed to do.¡±


    ¡°What?¡± Chris¡¯s mind raced for the answer and came up short. ¡°When? Wait¡­ You said that my mom was trying to trick you, trying to keep something hidden from you? What was that about?¡±


    There was silence, Chris could¡¯ve heard a pin drop if her focus had not been entirely on the Devil''s dark, searching eyes. Suddenly she heard an eruption of sound, a deep and rattling laugh as the Devil¡¯s body confused and twisted with laughter. It wasn¡¯t natural, it was as if their body simply wasn¡¯t made to laugh. For the briefest of moments, as the sound surely permeated throughout the bar, Chris saw deep beyond what the Devil had set up to be their eyes. She went pale and slid to the back of her seat and waited for the noise to end.


    ¡°You¡¯re mom¡­¡± The Devil began, luster fully returned. ¡°¡­Believed that if she fulfilled her ¡®duty¡¯ her soul would be saved. She also happened to believe that the same applied to you.¡±


    ¡°But¡­ She was wrong, wasn¡¯t she.¡± Chris lowered her head, defeated.


    ¡°Of course she was wrong, I have no idea how she got that silly notion in her head in the first place- it was never right!¡± They let out another chuckle, though this time it seemed painful. ¡°Isn¡¯t it just ironic? All this mess, all this pain, just because of a silly idea? Maria thought she could trick me, break the deal with a loophole and set you free and live happily ever after together, but that never was going to happen!¡±


    ¡°But you said there was a way to stop it! A way to break the deal?¡±


    ¡°There is,¡± The Devil said slowly. ¡°But it¡¯s certainly not marriage, or whatever your mother wanted you to do.¡±


    ¡°Why don¡¯t you just tell me, damn it? Why don¡¯t you stop with the vagueness and the mystery and just tell me how to stop it!¡±


    ¡°When I made that deal with your mother, it was a deal I intended to keep.¡± The Devil pulled the sides of their mouth into a knowing grin. ¡°In some ways, I still do intend to keep that deal. But I¡¯m not cruel, you see. I can see that from your perspective you never even had a chance, certainly not with your mother¡¯s failed plan. Right now, by telling you anything at all, I am being kind to you, Chris. You can¡¯t expect me to spell it all out for you.¡±


    ¡°Spelling it all out for me would be very helpful¡­Would you tell me if I bought you another drink?¡± She asked jokingly as she slumped into the back of her chair.


    ¡°If only knowledge came so cheap.¡± The Devil turned their head knowingly to the bar. ¡°Besides, I already drink here for free.¡±


    ¡°So¡­ That¡¯s it then? You¡¯ve given me a riddle and now it¡¯s up to me to solve it, huh?¡± Chris instinctually reached into her pocket and produced her almost empty packet of cigarettes. They were still a bit damp from the rain, and it took a minute for Chris to realize she still didn¡¯t have a lighter.


    Feeling stupid, Chris began to put the cigarettes back into her pocket but stopped when she noticed the Devil with their hand extended presenting an ornate lighter. At first, she wanted to turn the offer down, but her smoker¡¯s instinct told her now wasn¡¯t the time to decline politeness. She hesitantly accepted the gift as the Devil¡¯s hand pulled back to their side.


    ¡°Thanks.¡± She said softly, lighting up.


    ¡°It¡¯s the least I can do.¡±


    Is this my final cigarette? Chris thought, smoke filling the air. I feel like I¡¯m about to be shot.


    Chris wanted to run away and find some way out of her predicament. She wanted to have an epiphany and solve the stupid puzzle, but no lightbulbs lit inside her head. With assistance from the cloud of smoke surrounding her she held back tears, it was hopeless, wasn¡¯t it? She felt the phone inside of her pocket and desperately wanted to call Jess. She wanted to tell her about all the crap that she was going through, she wanted to hear her voice again. But she couldn¡¯t, the world wouldn¡¯t allow her to. Deep from someplace tucked away she felt an old familiar feeling, that sting of guilt that had followed her into this very moment. Is this my punishment?


    Chris was surprised to see a look of gloom fall across the Devil¡¯s face. It didn¡¯t seem fitting for them, it was like seeing a statue cry. ¡°Oh,¡± they said solemnly. ¡°Your time is almost up.¡±


    Chris looked at the clock; it was already nighttime. No, no, no, no¡­ Not yet.


    The Devil stood from where they sat and brushed off their suit. ¡°Well, I suppose it¡¯s time for me to go.¡±


    ¡°Wait!¡± Cried, Chris. ¡°Please, tell me what to do! I can¡¯t talk to anyone else; no one even knows I¡¯m here!¡±


    The devil thought long and hard before returning with a crass smile. ¡°Well, that¡¯s not entirely true. I¡¯m not certain, but I believe that your dear old mother may still recognize you.¡±


    Chris laughed. ¡°A lot of good that would do me, she¡¯s the reason why all this is happening.¡±


    ¡°Well, that is all that I can offer you, I hope you make the best of it.¡± The Devil turned to leave and made towards the exit, but then stopped and spun around again. Chris watched as the thing the Devil called its body contorted itself into a knowing look. ¡°Before I go, I would like to say that despite your mother being a less than desirable parental figure, there is still one positive about her.¡±


    Chris took in a deep breath of nicotine, ¡°What¡¯s that?¡±


    ¡°Despite everything, your mother always wanted to keep you safe.¡±


    The words hung in the air like electricity in the sky. Suddenly, without any warning or any flare, the Devil disappeared. Chris blinked, it was as if they were something caught in her eye and now, she had gotten it out. The room around her suddenly felt a lot bigger than it was before, the Devil¡¯s presence was so large that the world around them seem to shrink when they were about.


    Chris looked around her, there were very few people left now and she knew that those who stuck around wouldn¡¯t be able to help her anyway. Especially not the man slumped against the bar, clearly asleep and way too drunk to function. Chris couldn¡¯t help but look up at the clock again, she only had hours left.


    Think¡­ Think¡­Damnit, I don¡¯t know. But maybe¡­ she does?


    Chris leapt up from the table, her mind was racing but her body was going faster. Without a second thought, she approached the man slumped against the bar and reached deeply into each of his pockets. He didn¡¯t seem to notice as she found a pair of keys in her hand.


    Dashing to the street corner she tried the first car she saw and to her luck, the lock popped open. Getting in she started the ignition and zoomed away.


    Chris wasn¡¯t familiar with driving, most of her life she had spent on busses and other public transport. The car she was in now was a shoddy, run-down thing that barely seemed to move and clearly had not been taken care of. Chris couldn¡¯t care less about that now, right now she needed to talk to the only person that could possibly help her. I¡¯m coming home, mom.


    She drove as fast as she could, but reality slowly started dawning on her as time went by. Chris was quite aware that her mother lived far away, she had made sure of that. But now, with the time dwindling down, that distance seemed impossible to reach.


    Chris felt tired, her eyes began to shake as she struggled to stay awake. But as the night went on something else began to happen to her. It started as a sweat, then it turned into a heat. Chris could feel her temperature rising, not from the heat of the car but from something else. She tried to stay focused on the road, but she couldn¡¯t help but acknowledge that her skin was starting to boil. Chris looked at the car¡¯s dim and flickering clock.


    11:55. Chris swallowed as she realized that she was nowhere close to reaching her mother¡¯s house yet. Her burning hands shook on the steering wheel. No, I just need more time!


    11:56. Chris hadn¡¯t prayed in a very long time, but if there was ever a time to begin again, she reasoned it was now. God, if you¡¯re listening, please help me. Don¡¯t let this happen, I don¡¯t want to go back there!


    11:57. The pain was almost too much. Chris found herself swerving in and out of the lines, her vision being blurred with her tears. I never asked for any of this, I never would have been born if that were my choice now¡­


    11:58. Chris put her foot on the gas as if she were trying to escape something that was chasing her. As I kid, I prayed to you every day, and every day I asked you to save me from sin. All that time¡­ I guess you never heard me.


    11:59. As her final minutes ticked by, Chris couldn¡¯t help but see her life slip away- like sand through her fingers. Her eyes were glued to the clock, she could only think about one thing as her fate arrived. Jess¡­ I¡¯ll miss you¡­ I¡¯ll miss you so much¡­

 8. Guilt

    Christian stared up at the ceiling, the sound of a clock ticking somewhere in the distance was the only thing that could be heard- that and the moaning of the house shifting, the gentle creak of old floorboards and the slight sway in the wind. These noises had been with her for so long that they had almost become comforting, but now they seemed like sirens telling her to run. Christian knew what she needed to do.


    From underneath her bed, she slid out an old dusty suitcase, it had been down there for quite some time. She felt its rough casing, sturdy and solid. She hoped that it would serve her well in the future. With her hands firmly gripping the handle she departed from her room, she would never be in there again.


    The sun had dipped over the horizon and her mother had retired to her room. Christian knew how this would have to go; she had done this before. Each footstep was placed with care and each breath was taken softly. She felt like she was defusing a bomb and at any second it could blow up in her face.


    As she reached the front door, she turned to look at her mother¡¯s door, a small part of her wished that she would be caught and returned to the safety of her bed. The world outside seemed so big and she knew that she had barely seen any of it yet. She knew what was in here, this was her home, this is where she grew up. Maybe she should turn around and forget this ever happened. But suddenly she noticed something on the ground, a little stream of moonlight was peeking through the bottom of the door. Christian smiled, a tear running down her cheek. She knew she had to go.


    Christian felt the cold air on her skin and felt the hard earth beneath her feet. For the first time, she felt like she could breathe again. Suddenly she began to run as fast as her legs could take her, each step taking her farther and farther away until she stopped. Christian turned to look at her home, or what was her home until now. Perhaps the world wasn¡¯t actually that big, maybe it was just her house that was small.


    As she ran down the long and twisting dirt road that led away from her house she wondered if she would ever see it again. She wondered if she would ever hear her mother¡¯s cold voice or see her unflinching face ever again. Deep down, she hoped she never would.


    ...


    Maria stood patiently looking out through a window, she was waiting for the sun to rise. She had been there for a very long time, the minutes shifting to hours. Her mouth was moving as she silently offered up prayers, pleas that seemed to be falling on deaf ears. Her hands were trembling, she couldn¡¯t stop them. Her heart fluttered, her pulse quickened, and she felt like she could run a mile but yet was frozen to the spot. She knew that something deep down was going broken, or perhaps something was being mended. Her conviction was split, a part of her wanted it to end now and to get it over with- the other part wished for the opposite.


    Her thoughts were turned towards her daughter, to her little Christian. She wondered where she was, she hoped deeply that she was safe. Moments from her past began to replay inside her mind, memories of the long years spent raising her child on her own. She saw every smile on Christian¡¯s face, every lesson she ever taught her, every punishment she ever delivered, and the only thing she could help but think was why? Why did I never tell her?


    Maria didn¡¯t have the answer. There were times when she had wanted to tell Christian all about what she had done and what her fate would be, but she didn¡¯t. It was as though her tung was tied and her lips sealed, but now they were coming loose. What have I done? My little Christian¡­ My girl¡­ I just wanted to keep you safe. As she thought that deep down, she knew the truth, the truth was that she was lying to herself. Suddenly her attention was diverted as she noticed, to her alarm, that someone was walking up to her driveway. It was no random stranger; the prodigal daughter had returned home.


    Chris had been walking for a very, very long time. Though it had been only hours it seemed like an eternity had been spent putting one foot after the other. Pain shot through her entire body, throbbing and pulsating like a heart in agony. She had cuts and bruises and her neon green uniform was certainly no longer fit to wear.


    She had been driving when it happened, on the stroke of midnight she had felt herself be pulled away. The world around her no longer existed, there were no cars, no roads, and nowhere to go but down. She felt herself sink into that dark place, she wanted to scream and shout out for help, but she didn¡¯t. The worse thing about this place wasn¡¯t the pain or the loneliness, it was the fact that she didn¡¯t care that it was happening to her. Chris felt utterly numb, there was no point in screaming and there was no reason to cry. No one was going to hear you, and nothing will take pity on you here, here nothing mattered at all.


    Chris would have let herself stay there forever, but her car had other ideas. Reality snapped back into place the moment her car began to slide against the railings on the side of the road. The sound of metal ripping and tearing apart was enough for her to instinctually slam on the break. But it was too late, she found herself floating up in her seat, the world going upside down as the car was flung off the road and toppled into a ditch.


    Chris was too stunned to realize how lucky she was to be alive when she made her way out of the wrecked vehicle. The old crummy car that she had stolen was no longer there, now it was just a pile of broken glass a metal with four wheels presenting to the sky. Chris would have been mortified but she simply didn¡¯t have the luxury of taking her time.


    Somehow, she was still here, passed her supposed expiration date. Chris felt for one gleaming moment that maybe it had all been one big dream and at any moment she was about to wake up and tell Jess all about it. But Chris knew better than to feel hope now and slowly she crawled her way out of the ditch and began to walk.


    Chris knew that her mom¡¯s house was miles away, and it would take her hours to make it there on foot. One foot after the other, Chris. Somehow, I¡¯ve still got time.


    For the longest time, Chris had no clue why she was still here. She wondered if the car crash had somehow messed things up and brought her back. But even now she could feel that she wasn¡¯t herself, her body was slowly beginning to feel numb. She hoped it was an injury from the crash, but she knew she wasn¡¯t that lucky. Whatever was happening to her was reaching its final stages, and her time was running out.


    I remember now. Mom told me once about how I was born, she said something about watching the sunrise with me in her arms¡­ Oh, I get it now, twenty years exactly was the deal. I guess the devil does keep their word. Suddenly it dawned on her in a moment of bitter irony. Oh, it¡¯s my birthday.


    The hours passed slowly; Chris wasn¡¯t even sure that she would make it to the house in time. Even if she did, she had no idea whether or not her mom could help her. This was her last shot in the dark, the final inch of her rope, there was no other way. But even with this knowledge firmly in the back of her mind, she still hated the sight of her old home again.


    Chris stood now in front of her home, or what used to be her home. Now it was just a house that kept bitter memories tucked deeply inside it. The house was a balloon ready to pop and Chris felt like she was a needle. With a sense of looming dread, she watched as the door slowly swung open.


    Maria stood in the doorway looking down at her exhausted and dirt-covered daughter. The morning fog was fading around them, she didn¡¯t know how to react. Slowly, she felt herself move closer to Chris and stood in front of her like she had done many times before. Chris was her height now, she realized. She wondered what it would have been like to see her grow.


    Chris looked at her mom, eyes fresh with the truth. No longer was this the person that had locked her away from any threat the outside world could pose, now the person in front of her was the woman who had signed her death warrant. She had so many questions, so many demands that all needed to come out. But all of them leapt from her mind as Maria flung her arms around her and pulled her into a hug.


    ¡°My sweet daughter.¡± Maria said into Chris¡¯s ear. ¡°You¡¯ve come home!¡±


    Chris was at a loss for words, it was like she had been frozen to the spot. In all the years Chris had spent under her mom¡¯s roof, she never once was hugged by her. She felt the warmth of Maria¡¯s arms against her back, it felt nice. Slowly Chris hugged her back.


    Maria felt her daughter reach around her and return the gesture. Something inside of her twisted, what was this feeling? Was this love?


    ¡°Christian-¡± She began but corrected herself. ¡°Chris. I am so sorry for what is happening to you, I truly am. You must be so confused and frightened.¡±


    ¡°No,¡± Chris replied. ¡°I know what¡¯s happening.¡±


    ¡°You do?¡±


    Chris backed away gently. ¡°They told me everything.¡±


    Maria¡¯s eyes widened as she realized who Chris was referring to. ¡°Oh.¡± Awkwardly she turned around, she didn¡¯t want her daughter she the fear on her face. ¡°Why did you come back?¡±


    ¡°Because¡­ I have to stop this.¡± Chris¡¯s barely had enough energy to speak, she felt the pain increasing. ¡°I know I can, they told me I can. But I don¡¯t know how! Please, mom, is there anything you know? Is there any way you can break the deal off?¡±


    Maria¡¯s voice trembled. ¡°No¡­ I¡¯m sorry.¡±


    ¡°Please, mom, you¡¯re all I have left now!¡±


    ¡°I told you at the store how you could break the deal, you did not listen.¡±


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    Chris walked up and grabbed her mother by the arm. ¡°Listen to me! That loophole you thought of it? It would have never worked, even if I wanted to try it. It was never true, mom.¡±


    ¡°What?¡± Maria was taken aback. ¡°But¡­¡±


    Chris waved her off, she didn¡¯t have time to argue. ¡°Please, is there anything else? Do know any way to stop this from happening to me?¡±


    Maria thought long and hard, for so long she had assumed she had cheated the Devil. She had made a deal with a clear loophole in mind, but now that the way out was shattered it all came crashing down around her. ¡°I¡¯m sorry, but I don¡¯t.¡± She lied, the truth still lingering in the back of her mind.


    Chris¡¯s only hope for salvation slipped from her fingertips. In one fell swoop, the exhaustion consumed her, and she fell to her knees. Maria was quick to catch her, but tiredness wasn¡¯t the only thing pulling her down. She felt it, deep down, the fire and numbness growing stronger. The world was getting darker, the colors fading and the little light that there was growing dimmer.


    ¡°How long do I have?¡± She asked, her voice a whisper.


    Maria looked up at the rising sun. ¡°Minutes.¡±


    Chris struggled to stand as Maria raised her up in support. Chris could see the light breaching the horizon, dawn was approaching. She didn¡¯t want to die here; she didn¡¯t want to die in her mother¡¯s arms in the middle of the yard. She wanted to be with the person she truly loved, but they wouldn¡¯t even remember her face.


    ¡°Mom, can we go to the balcony?¡± Chris asked weakly. ¡°I don¡¯t want to die here.¡±


    Maria nodded and led her daughter into the house. She had never seen her little girl this afraid before, this desperate. She was so afraid that she had come to her, of all people, for help. Maria wished that she could help her, but she knew that she couldn¡¯t do that. Maria felt something boil up inside her, she tried to push it down.


    Chris looked around at the house that she once had called home. It was uncanny, everything was the same as she had left it- just a little older. It was like a painting in a museum, never-changing only lingering. If Chris wasn¡¯t fading away, she would have wanted to run away and never turn back, but now this was the only place she could be.


    As they approached the stairs Chris couldn¡¯t help but see her old room in the back, the door was open as if it were enticing her to come back in. All the painful memories of sitting behind that door, waiting for someone to let her out or even just speak to her came careening back. She hated seeing it, there was nothing good in that room, at least for her anyway. Though in the back of her mind she could help but recall the Devil saying, despite everything, your mother always wanted to keep you safe.


    As the two ascended the stairs those words kept echoing through the back of Chris¡¯s mind. Why would they tell me that? In her mother¡¯s arms, she felt a warmth that had been missing throughout her childhood. It was the feeling she felt in Jess¡¯s arms, the embrace of someone that loves you. She wondered what had changed in her mother in the time that she had been gone, perhaps the years had softened her.


    ¡°Your different.¡± Chris said, struggling to find her footing on the stairs. ¡°You¡¯ve changed.¡±


    ¡°It seems that we are both going through a change.¡± Maria spoke.


    It had taken her some time to realize, but Maria knew deep down what was happening. She had lost something the day she shook the Devil¡¯s hand, and only now was it slowly being returned to her. At the same time, something was being taken away from her and she deeply regretted the exchange.


    As they reached the top of the staircase Chris hung on her mother¡¯s words. ¡°What¡¯s happening to me, it¡¯s happening to you, isn¡¯t it?¡± She asked. ¡°You¡¯re getting your soul back?¡±


    Maria struggled to open the door to the balcony but with a little bit of luck, she was able to pull it open. The balcony was just how Chris remembered it, it felt like yesterday when she tripped and nearly plummeted to the ground below. Now she felt she was falling lower than she could ever possibly have imagined, she wished there was a railing she could cling onto now.


    Maria sat Chris down on the cold wooden flooring and placed herself next to her. She saw the sun had already risen a bit; she knew the time was coming.


    ¡°Chris.¡± Said Maria, her voice wavering. ¡°I am so sorry for what I have done to you. Knowing what I am aware of now I would have never done this; I swear on God¡¯s name that I would not!¡±


    Chris could barely hear her mother; the world was growing grey despite the light around her. She looked to her mother, to the old woman that had chained most of her childhood to a room. The truth dawned on her slowly.


    ¡°You couldn¡¯t do it, could you?¡± Chris asked. ¡°You could never have loved me.¡±


    ¡°What?¡±


    Chris wanted to cry but all she could manage was a trembling voice. ¡°All those years I assumed you just hated me; I never knew why. But now I see it, mom. You didn¡¯t have a soul to love me with.¡±


    Maria didn¡¯t say a word, she only gave a soft nod. In her chest she felt something rise up again, she tried to put it out of her mind.


    Chris felt the numbness spreading, the fire was burning hotter now, any second, she would be gone. Slowly she painstakingly rose to her feet, I have to be brave. Maria did the same beside her.


    As the bright light lit her face, Chris thought of all the things she could have done with her life. She felt like her life was just beginning but now it was ending. She wanted to go to her job, deal with boring coworkers, she wanted to ride the bus again and count the buildings, she wanted to hold Jess tightly in her arms and never let go, but now she would never be able to.


    Maria watched her daughter close her eyes and begin to cry as the crushing weight of an eternity of agony was pushing towards her. She reached out and grabbed her hand, ¡°I¡¯m sorry.¡± Maria said.


    Despite everything, your mother always wanted to keep you safe.


    Chris¡¯s eyes shot open, the realization breaking through the numbness and fire. ¡°You couldn¡¯t love me¡­¡± Chris spoke, her voice trembling through the pain. ¡°But you kept me locked away, to keep me safe from the world?¡±


    Her daughter¡¯s words pierced right through Maria, she took a step closer and held her hand tighter by her side. Chris recoiled from the grasp; it was the same grip her mother had used as a child- the one she used to bring her back inside her room.


    Chris could barely think, everything was going dark. ¡°Why? Why keep me safe if you never loved me? There has to be a reason, you did it for a reason didn¡¯t you? It wasn¡¯t for love¡­ it was for¡­ safety?¡±


    ¡°Christian, please do not spend your last moments wondering about things that do not matter now.¡± Maria couldn¡¯t look her daughter in the face when she said that.


    ¡°But it wasn¡¯t safety for me, was it?¡±


    Maria turned to face her daughter and was shocked to see that she was fading, blinking in and out of reality. Chris could no longer see; she could only barely feel the floor pressing against her feet and the sound her the wind passing by. She felt herself coming in and out of that dark place, it was as if she were barely peaking her head above water desperately clawing for her final breaths.


    Her truth had been revealed, Maria couldn¡¯t bear to keep it in any longer. ¡°I only did what I had to do! I did not want any of this to happen, but I had no choice! If you had died the deal would have been off and the Devil would never have returned my soul to me, I could not let that happen!¡± Maria approached her fading daughter and put her arms around her in a desperate hug. ¡°I am sorry, I am so very sorry!¡±


    Chris couldn¡¯t feel her mother¡¯s arms around her, but she sensed that they were there. The pain that she was experiencing was indescribable, but for one moment in the swirl of endless uncaring pain, she saw a way out.


    ¡°Mom¡­¡± Chris stammered. ¡°I¡¯m sorry, too.¡±


    Chris¡¯s hand shook as she raised them around her mother, she was too numb now to feel her but, in her heart, she knew that she was there. She didn¡¯t think when she did it, she didn¡¯t weigh the consequences of her actions. When someone is in immense pain, they will do anything to get away from it and Chris was no different. With arms slowly boiling from invisible flames, Chris pushed out with the very last of her strength.


    At that moment, Maria had known what had happened and her arms flew out desperately searching for something to grab onto. Her hand latched on to the railing behind her, she thought she was saved. But suddenly she heard a creak, and then a crack as the railing gave way- her only lifeline falling with her.


    For all of her life, Maria had been trying to save her soul from damnation. But as the ground quickly became closer, Maria felt that feeling again, the one she had been trying so hard to ignore. It was the sting of guilt, something she hadn¡¯t felt in a very long time. In a quiet moment of realization, Maria knew where her soul was going, it was following her down.


    On the top of the balcony, Chris lay on the ground, exhausted and unable to move. But as the bright light of day engulfed her, she realized that the numbness and the pain had faded. Her eyes opened, it felt as if she was waking up for the first time in ages. She felt herself up and down, somehow, she was still here.


    But how? She wondered as the pieces of the puzzle slowly aligned themselves in her head. If mom needed me to be alive, then maybe I needed the reverse? The Devil told me, ¡®The dead no longer have a place for a soul to be taken or given.¡¯ That¡¯s it, mom didn¡¯t have any place for her soul to return to now that she¡¯s¡­ gone. The deal was broken¡­ I¡¯m safe. Chris had no idea whether what she had done was an accident or something she did on purpose, the haze was too strong to determine the truth through.


    Her strength returning, she stood to see what had happened. Her mother was nowhere to be seen instead only a splintered and broken railing stood to greet her. What she had done came rushing back to Chris, the pain and desperation that she felt all seemed like a bad dream now. Had she really just done this? Had she just killed her mother? She didn¡¯t look below to check, instead, she slowly backed away from the edge and back into the house. She forced her mind away from what had happened, now there was only one thing she could think to do as she rushed down the stairs.


    On an old house phone, Chris dialed up a number and eagerly waited with bated breath for an answer. ¡°Hello?¡± Jess asked.


    The heart in Chris¡¯s chest fluttered. ¡°Jess?¡± She asked, hesitantly. ¡°It¡¯s me, Chris. Do you recognize me?¡±


    ¡°Chris!¡± Jess practically screamed. ¡°Oh my god, where the hell are you? Are you okay?¡±


    Chris felt overcome with relief, ¡°You remember me!¡±


    ¡°Of course, I do! Babe, where did you go? One minute I¡¯m waiting for you to get back, I found that keycard of yours under the bed by the way, and the next it was like you were never even here! It¡¯s like you slipped my mind somehow, babe are you alright?¡±


    Chris wanted to tell her everything, the ugly truth and all, but right now she couldn¡¯t think about that. ¡°Jess, I¡¯m okay now and I promise you I¡¯ll tell you everything later. I just wanted to hear your voice again.¡±


    On the other end, Jess was confused. ¡°Chris, is everything alright? Did your mom come back again?¡±


    Chris couldn¡¯t help but glance towards where she knew her mother¡¯s body had fallen. ¡°I have to go now¡­ I love you, Jess.¡±


    Hanging up the phone, Chris felt the room around her growing smaller. She had so much to think about, so many things to do, and she felt the burden of everything that would need to happen next weigh on her shoulders. But then a smile came across her face, that¡¯s alright. She thought. I have the rest of my life to do them.


    There was indeed much that Chris needed to do. Soon she would find herself coming up with a story when she called the authorities, her mother had slipped and fallen- a terrible accident that she wished she could have prevented. They would believe her; these unfortunate things happen all the time. To Jess she would tell the whole truth, the ugly parts and all. Jess would listen intently and find it alarming to realize that she actually believed what her girlfriend was telling her. But all of that could wait, now in the gentle light of the morning, Chris did one thing.


    A swing set rested in the yard, old and far more rusted than she remembered. Chris took a seat on one of the remaining flimsy seats and started to rock back and forth. No one was there to stop her now and no one was coming to take her away. Chris knew now in her soul that she was free, free to live out the rest of her life the way she wanted. She felt something rise up inside of her, a feeling that she hadn¡¯t felt in what seemed like an eternity. As the swing gently swung her through the air, Chris felt free, and there was no one that could take that away from her.