《Watch Me Disappear》


 Have to start somewhere 1

    ~~~ 1 ~~~


    We sat in the pub and the boys drank their beers and ate their burgers and I simply observed them, trying not to look like I was staring.


    "Have you decided what are you having yet, Donny?" my best mate, Cai, asked.


    I looked at his green eyes and black curly hair falling over his glasses. He was much shorter than me, but he was also very skinny.


    I wrinkled my forehead as I found myself wishing that I was like him, sipping on the diet coke and looking through the menu, swiftly calculating the never-ending calories in the overly meaty, oily and salty foods that one could choose from: "I''m not sure yet." I said.


    I¡¯ve already decided to make my way to the bar on my own, feeling too ashamed of ordering food while any of my friends watched. It was just too anxiety-inducing.


    For the same reason, I had only ordered a drink, allowing everyone to get some food before me while I played the usual card of ''I''ll think about what I want later¡¯.


    In all honesty, I would''ve skipped the meal altogether, but I didn''t want any raised eyebrows or questions about why I wasn''t eating anything while everyone else enjoyed their food.


    "I''ll be back in a minute." I excused myself and the squad nodded.


    Slowly making my way to the bar, I opened My Fitness Pal and quickly jotted down the allocated calories for this unplanned meal. I sighed. That would put me at a high restriction and it was only lunchtime.


    I gritted my teeth. I was still struggling to find a silver lining, my perfect middle, a point where I wouldn''t feel too exhausted nor would I eat too much.


    Sadly, hunger pangs were getting to me more often than I dared to admit.


    Finally, I came to stop before the bar and, as soon as I got the barman¡¯s attention, I ordered: "One veggie burger, please.".


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    The barman nodded readily: "Any chips?".


    "Yes, please." I return although I knew that I wouldn''t eat any.


    I paid for my meal and made my way back to the table, sitting opposite Cai who readily pushed his chips to me: "Have some." he said as if it was the simplest thing on the planet Earth.


    My eyes grew wide and I caught myself, my cheeks slightly blushing when I spoke: "Nah, man. But thanks. My chips are on the way.".


    "Suit yourself." he shrugged and pulled the chips back to himself.


    "So, Donny, are you going for your MSc straight after? Perhaps we could be roommates next year?" Cai¡¯s friend, Ali, asked with his mouth full.


    I stared for a moment, feeling both disgusted and jealous of the nonchalant eating habits. My eyes finally got lost in his jet black hair and same coloured stubby beard.


    I finally spoke: "That''s the plan.".


    "What will you be studying, again?" Ali''s friend, Andy, spoke up.


    I met his blue eyes and he smiled at me: "Clinical psychology." I said and turned back to Ali; "And you said you are going to do computer science?".


    "Jup." he said simply and got lost in another bite of his food.


    "Veggie burger?" a sudden voice of the waiter startled me and I quickly lifted my hand up.


    In moments, a steaming hot burger and chips sat before me. My stomach dropped in discomfort and I lifted my gaze to eye every single one of my companions at the table.


    "Really?" Cai asked me, lifting his brow and stopping mid-bite.


    "Nothing wrong with it." Ali said.


    "That''s only ''cause you''re vegetarian." Cai returned; "Donny here is not a wuss." he laughed.


    I wrinkled my forehead: "Nothing wrong with being a vegetarian." I eyed Ali who was, in fact, a large person; "I love veggies and you know that." I turned to Cai; "Thought to give it a go.".


    "Fine, man." Cai returned, lifting his hands up in defense.


    The chit-chatter continued and I found myself staring at my plate. Did I really want to eat that? I already had too much for the day. Then again, if I don''t eat it, I''ll just look suspicious and the last thing I want is to cause any questions.


    I should''ve stayed home - I sighed and picked up my burger, hesitating for another moment before I bit into it.


    Tasty meat-like veggies fell onto my tongue and I freaked out. The thing was too delicious and I couldn''t deal with it. What if it caused me to eat more? What if it has more calories than it is written? It was too good to be true, therefore it must be a lie!


    With a heavy heart, I chewed and swallowed, chewed and swallowed, completely lost in my own little world while my friends laughed about something unknown to me. All that I could do was to hold back my tears and to hope that this wouldn''t show on a scale tomorrow morning.

 Have to start somewhere 2

    ~~~ 2 ~~~


    I was wrong. Of course that I was wrong. Instead of the scale showing 211.6, it showed 212.1. I clamped my head between my palms and gritted my teeth so that I wouldn''t let out a small scream filled with frustration.


    Calming down, I sighed heavily and looked at myself in the mirror.


    Fat. Tits and fat were all that I could see. What kind of a man has tits?


    Angered, I entered the shower and opened the faucet, allowing the freezing cold water to hit my back, releasing a silent scream when the water collided with my body that was more than warm just after getting up from the bed.


    I showered in pain, repeating to myself that I get extra points for shivering, extra points for shivering, extra points for shivering.


    Stepping outside and mad from the cold, I wiped myself off and stepped on the scale again. After all, perhaps a shower somehow magically made me lose that 0.5 pounds.


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    It didn''t.


    I made my way back to my room and tried to quickly get dressed, avoiding the mirror on the wall like it was my worst enemy. However, my binder just wouldn¡¯t listen to me that morning and I wrestled with it until my hands ached and I felt breathless. Then I took it off and threw it against the wall, taking a moment to calm myself down. After a moment of staring at it, I picked it up, examined it for a moment and carefully pulled it on, feeling my chest compress. I couldn¡¯t go anywhere without it.


    Finally dressed and thinking about the day, I made my way to the kitchen. I walked down the long carpeted hallway, passing four out of six total rooms and a living room. Once in the kitchen, I promptly turned on the water heater before I walked downstairs and opened the back garden door and pulled out my cig. I lit it up and took in a deep drag, cherishing the first hit of the nicotine on the cold winter morning.


    I sighed to myself. It was still too early for any of my friends and housemates to be up. It was only 5:30 in the morning and I was getting ready for work. I looked down the darkened hallway that led to four bigger rooms before I turned back to the outside and took another drag. I watched the smoke intertwine with the cold mist of the morning.


    Feeling like my ass was freezing, I pressed it against the radiator that was conveniently placed right next to the door. I shivered in the cold.


    Extra points for shivering - I kept repeating to myself, ignoring a low rumble coming from my stomach.

 Have to start somewhere 3

    ~~~ 3 ~~~


    Walking down the dark path in between houses, I saw one of the doors open in the distance. I wrinkle my forehead because I knew just exactly whose house that was.


    ¡°Morning.¡± I said when I got close enough for a man to hear me.


    ¡°Morning, Donny!¡± the man exclaimed.


    It was none other than Rajesh, my colleague.


    ¡°You going to work?¡±.


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    ¡°Yeah. And what about you?¡± I asked when I noticed that he was still in his PJs.


    He lit a cig up: ¡°I¡¯m free today.¡± he told me happily and exhaled a long puff of smoke; ¡°Why are you walking, by the way? Wouldn¡¯t it be easier for you to grab a train? It¡¯s so cold!¡± he said and hugged himself to emphasise how cold it truly was.


    ¡°Erm¡­¡± I almost stuttered; ¡°I just felt like I could walk.¡± I said simply.


    After all, why would I have to explain myself to anyone?


    ¡°Okay. Well, have a nice day!¡± he said and I offered him a smile, continuing onward.


    As soon as I was behind the corner, I checked my off-brand smart watch, the one I paid only ¡ê25 for. I was already at 2 thousand steps in and I was sure to hit over 13 thousand that day, especially if I would have enough energy to walk back home after the long 12-hour shift of mostly being up on my feet.

 Have to start somewhere 4

    ~~~ 4 ~~~


    ¡°Morning, Donny.¡± Phillip said as he entered the small office, catching me off guard while I was greedily swallowing half-chewed pieces of my only planned meal for the day - an apple.


    This was the worst scenario possible, at least for me. I hated when people saw me eating, judging me with their eyes. Eating was hard and challenging enough, I didn¡¯t need people to feel disgusted by looking at me - I felt more than enough disgust toward myself.


    I almost choked: ¡°Morning!¡± I managed, swallowing down the piece and promising myself to chuck the rest of the apple away because I was just disgusting.


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    ¡°Had a good few days off?¡± he asked, flashing me with a smile and taking a seat next to me.


    ¡°As always.¡± I said, sneakily hiding the apple below the desk where he wouldn¡¯t be able to see it; ¡°You know that I would pick up more shifts if I could.¡±.


    ¡°I know.¡± he returned; ¡°How¡¯s uni going?¡±.


    ¡°Good.¡± I half lied.


    ¡°Okay.¡± he said and picked up the fat file that sat on the desk some space away from him: ¡°You ready?¡±.


    I pulled out my sheet and a notebook: ¡°Jup.¡±.


    He opened the file and started going through a list of the residents of the nursing home, letting me know how each did for the past few days and that night, making sure that I was up to date with everything. After all, a nurse should know everything to ensure that the residents are getting the best treatment possible.