《I'll Never Be Her》 Part One: I鈥檒l Never Be Her I was taught that all of our problems would go away once the sun set, we just had to wait for our night to turn to dawn. I spent years convinced ¡°tonight is my night. Tomorrow I¡¯m going to wake up and be just like everyone sees me. I¡¯ll be the person they see when they look at me. I will be her.¡± Maybe tomorrow once I look out at the dawn, this feeling will be gone? In my first year of high school, I ended up in the same class as Marcus. He grabbed everyone¡¯s attention, not always for the best of reasons. Okay, rarely for the best of reasons. He was loud and goofy and absolutely hilarious. Even though I sat at the back of the room, I couldn¡¯t help but smile at his dumb jokes and punny T-shirts. While I spent recess deep inside a book about Egyptian mythology, he played cards with his friends. I was still surprised he was interested in someone like me. Someone who was quiet, an introvert. Someone who wasn¡¯t sure who they were. Now here we were, almost two years later and his friends were my friends. His Fridays were my Fridays. I really thought, for some stupid reason, that becoming someone¡¯s girlfriend would help me. That it would be my dawn, the moment I wake up next to a boy who loved me, I¡¯d be that person he saw. I would stare into her eyes in the mirror and recognize myself. Finally! But, alas, I was back on square one. Wrong, again. Everything in my lie was great! Everything! School¡¯s up for the Easter break and Marcus had the brilliant idea to take advantage of the summer air and have a campfire by the beach with our friends. If Marcus could, he¡¯d live by the ocean, close to a beach. He loved water, in the winter, and in the summer. I loved how he loved all versions of something, not just one part of it. He loved everything wholeheartedly and purely regardless of its shape or phase or state. So why was I scared? Why was I so terrified of telling him who I was? It¡¯s not that because I was scared he¡¯ll hate me, per se, more like I was scared he would stop thinking I was attractive. I was scared he would stop loving me the way he does now. I was scared that if I told him the truth, we¡¯d go back to just being friends again. I didn¡¯t know which one was worse. I sat in the bathroom, putting mascara on. I had always been creative. I loved painting and drawing. I loved feeling like a God, creating beautiful things out of a blank canvas. I created my own worlds where people like me weren¡¯t ostracized for being different. A world where being alive wasn¡¯t a political statement. The door opened slowly and Marcus peeked inside, smiling. ¡°Hey,¡± he breathed and entered, closing the door behind him. ¡°You¡¯re beautiful.¡± I smiled at his reflection. ¡°I¡¯m not done yet.¡± Marcus smiled at me. He pushed a strand of hair behind my ear, following the motion with his eyes. ¡±You¡¯re already perfect.¡± It was barely audible. It was barely more than a breath, a meeting of our eyes. But I had heard it, and it had made my heart ache and I fought my instinct to look away to not make him worry. To not make him notice that I wasn¡¯t okay. To not make him see through my disguise. I smiled back at him. ¡°I¡¯ll wait,¡± he said, taking half a step back, giving me space. I rolled my eyes before continuing with the mascara. ¡°Are you going to stand there and watch me the whole time?¡± Marcus shrugged. ¡°Sure.¡± ¡°You¡¯re such a dork,¡± I said, grinning. After a few minutes, when it was time to do my lips, my stubborn smile wouldn¡¯t subside long enough for me to paint them properly and beautifully. ¡°This is why I don¡¯t let you watch,¡± I muttered, glaring at him through the mirror but there was no animosity in my narrowed eyes. Marcus¡¯s smile widened into a grin of his own, the one that reveals his dimples. He used to be self-conscious about them, thinking they made him look ten years younger, like his baby brother. I loved them. I loved all of his smiles. ¡°I love seeing my artist girlfriend in action,¡± he said. ¡°Thank you,¡± I said. He frowned at first. ¡°You¡¯re welcome,¡± he breathed. He was right: this was me being creative, my face was my canvas, and the makeup my paint. This was an art form. Once I finished, I rose to my feet and looked up at him. ¡°What do you think?¡± I gestured at my face. ¡°You¡¯re beautiful,¡± he said and chuckled. ¡°You¡¯re always beautiful, Lucy.¡± He grinned at me before leaning forward just a little bit, daring me or letting me lean in the rest of the way as if giving me the chance to accept or decline. He¡¯s always been gentle with me, never pushing me into doing something he wasn¡¯t sure whether or not I wanted to do. He was always waiting for me to take the first step, to initiate things, or to meet him halfway, if I wanted to. He dragged his hands from my neck and up my scalp, pushing just a little bit as we deepened the kiss. I wasn¡¯t sure how long we stood there, or how I suddenly stood pressed against the bathroom door. When had it closed? I didn¡¯t know and I didn¡¯t care. All that mattered was the warmth that was pressed flush against me, the hands in my hair, the lips on my lips, and the tongue in my mouth. One second later and it was all gone. The door that had supported our weights was suddenly gone as I fell backward against the floor, my eyes widening at the feeling of falling, locking onto Marcus¡¯s eyes that stared back at me. Before either of us knew it, we laid on the floor, Marcus on top of me, our legs in a tangle. ¡±Uh¡±, came a voice from above us and I squeezed my eyes shut as fast as I could, my lips a tight line. I felt Marcus tensing above me. ¡±What the hell where you two doing?¡± my brother, Alex, asked before quickly adding, ¡±No, I don¡¯t wanna know.¡± I heard how he was walking away from us. ¡±I¡¯ll just take the other bathroom¡±, he muttered. I felt Marcus press his face against my shoulder, his whole body getting warmer by the minute and I could swear I heard him say, ¡±Kill me now.¡± I rolled my eyes, trying to shove him off of me. I snorted as he hasted to stand up. ¡±You okay?¡± he asked. I nodded before standing up. ¡±We should leave soon¡±, I said. ¡°Can you wait for me outside?¡± ¡°Sure.¡± I walked back into the bathroom, closing and locking the door behind me. I placed one palm on each side of the mirror, glaring at my own eyes as if the reflection of a girl was a stranger. The reflection of a girl who was nothing more than an illusion. The reflection of a girl who turned out to be a phase. The reflection of the girl that Marcus loved and needed more than anything. And I¡¯ll never be her. My dawn had yet to arrive. Ten minutes later and Marcus and I stood in the hallway, putting on our shoes. Occasionally shoving at each other playfully, the way we always seemed to and it was a nice distraction from the conversation I knew that we had to have someday. Tomorrow. Next week? Next month? I didn¡¯t know. ¡±Hey, Lucy?¡± said Alex, his arms crossed as he came to stand by the doorway facing us. ¡±Can I talk to you for a second?¡± I raised an eyebrow in question before turning to look at Marcus, he was already looking at me. ¡±I¡¯ll wait by the bike¡±, he said, opened the door, and left. ¡±What is it?¡± I asked, turning back to frown at my brother. ¡±Does he know?¡± Alex looked at me gently, his expression kind. I looked away. ¡±Lucy¡±, he said with that voice. The voice that makes your gut clench and makes you feel like you did something wrong, and in this case, I had. ¡±No¡±, I hissed, meeting his eyes only to find sympathy there. ¡±I can¡¯t, Alex.¡± ¡±Why not? He loves you, Lucy.¡± ¡±Exactly! He loves Lucy, the girl but that¡¯s not me.¡± Alex sighed, closing his eyes. ¡±I don¡¯t see the difference.¡± ¡±That¡¯s because you¡¯re my brother. Marcus is my boyfriend, how do you think he¡¯d feel if I tell him I¡¯m not his pretty girlfriend?¡± ¡±I think he¡¯s not going to care. He loves you for who you are. Boy, girl¡±, he said and shrugged. I pinched the bridge of my nose. ¡±He¡¯s straight, Alex¡±, I sighed. ¡±He¡¯s attracted to girls.¡± ¡±Has he told you that?¡± I stared at him. ¡±What are you talking about?¡± Alex smiled at me. ¡±Has Marcus told you that he¡¯s straight? That he¡¯s only attracted to girls.¡± ¡±Well, no but¨C¡± ¡±No buts¡±, he said and raised a hand to quiet me. ¡±You need to tell him, for the both of you.¡± Before I had the chance to respond, Alex had turned and walked away saying, ¡±Don¡¯t stay out too late.¡± If you stumble upon this narrative on Amazon, it''s taken without the author''s consent. Report it. I smiled a little bit before shaking my head. ¡±What¡¯s up?¡± asked Marcus when I left my house, he sat on the front porch, hands in his pockets, frown turned to me. ¡±Nothing¡±, I said and shook my head. ¡±Alex just warned me about staying up too late.¡± Marcus grinned at that. ¡±How late is too late?¡± he asked, waggling his eyebrows. I punched him. ¡±Okay, fine!¡± He pointed an accusing finger at my chest. ¡±No s¡¯mores for you, madam.¡± I rolled my eyes, walking past him. ¡±We both know Johnny won¡¯t stand for that.¡± ¡±You¡¯re right¡±, he said before walking up to me. ¡±You sure you wanna drive?¡± ¡±I¡¯m not going in you car, the answer¡¯s no. Besides, my bike.¡± ¡±Your bike¡±, he agreed as if no more explanation was needed and, truthfully? It wasn¡¯t. If there was one place I felt like I was completely free than it was on my bike. And having Marcus sitting behind me, his arms around me as I drive? Even better. And Marcus knew that I felt that way and he had hopped on behind me the first time I offered to drive him to school. He hadn¡¯t known at the time that I had meant a motorcycle, but he had trusted me enough to get on it. Didn¡¯t mean he didn¡¯t make a fuss about it for half an hour before giving in, though. He wouldn¡¯t be Marcus if he didn¡¯t. And it¡¯s a part of his charm. Which I was never going to tell him because his ego didn¡¯t need to grow larger. Besides, I loved teasing him about it. Johnny and Kim were already there when we showed up and the campfire was lit. ¡±About time¡±, Kim said when they noticed us. ¡±Missed us that much, eh, Kim?¡± Marcus asked as we walked towards them, hand-in-hand. Kim rolled their eyes. ¡±Not anymore.¡± Marcus placed a hand dramatically over his heart, stumbling slightly for show. ¡±I¡¯m wounded,¡± he said. ¡±Kim? How could you?¡± They turned to look at me. ¡±How do you put up with him?¡± I looked Marcus up and down, a little too long than necessary, before turning back to Kim with a shrug. ¡±It¡¯s a mystery¡±, I said. ¡±Hey!¡± Marcus stared at me with a small smile. ¡±I hate you¡±, he said. ¡±Well¡±, I began. ¡±I hate you, too.¡± ¡±Naw!¡± said Johnny. ¡±Get a room¡±, said Kim. Marcus and I grinned at each other before sitting down by the other side of the fire. I sighed internally. As long as I didn¡¯t overthink anything, this was going to go great. All I had to do was be myself. At least to some degree. ¡±Are you okay?¡± Marcus whispered, squeezing my hand. ¡±I¡¯m fine¡±, I replied, a little too quickly, smiling, and when my gaze met his did I know that he knew that I lied. He didn¡¯t comment though, instead, he squeezed my hand tighter before chatting away with Johnny and Kim with a grin and wild gestures. At that moment I had thought ¨Cor maybe hoped¨C that the subject was dropped. Little did I know then that all it took was the drive back to my house, an awkward silence in which Marcus expected me to invite him in but instead we just stood there and he had to ask me if I wanted him to come in with me, and, lastly, us alone in my bedroom, having our usual make-out session which made me think I now know what it feels like to make-out with someone if you¡¯re a corpse. Needless to say, it was awful. I didn¡¯t blame him, either. It was like routine for us, it wasn¡¯t his fault my head just wasn¡¯t present. My head was up in the clouds, full of thoughts and feelings I wanted to push for another day. I just wanted to be there with him, he deserved that much. He deserved to be kissed back. My problem was that looking at him and seeing the love and adoration in his eyes as he stares at me and when he mutters ¡±you¡¯re beautiful¡± or something in between kisses, it just¡­ He¡¯s looking at Lucy, the girl. His girlfriend. And he loved her, but I wasn¡¯t Lucy. I wasn¡¯t even a girl. And I felt like I was lying to him and I loved him. I didn¡¯t want to hurt him. I didn¡¯t want to break his heart, he¡¯d had enough of that in the past. I wanted to make him happy, and Lucy made him happy. Maybe I could pretend just a little longer? Give him what he wanted and needed. Just as I started pressing back against him, my hands moving up against his back, did he pull away with a sigh. ¡±Like I can see you, I can feel you but you¡¯re not like here, y¡¯know¡±, Marcus started, pulling back further, looking at me with a frown. ¡±So what is it?¡± I stared back at him, eyebrows raising. ¡±I¡¯m fine¡±, I said and tried to smile but I knew it must¡¯ve come across as unsure or something judging by his response. Marcus groaned. ¡±What is it, Lucy?¡± he asked. I was silent, staring at him. This was my chance, and I knew it. I could tell him, the words could slip out of my tongue if I only let them. One second from now and he could know the truth. I could tell him. Instead, I was silent. Staring at him, watching how every second of silence he grew more and more apprehensive. Marcus sighed, scratching the back of his neck, his eyes closed and I could barely hear the words slipping out of his mouth. ¡±If it¡¯s something I did. Just say tell me.¡± At that moment I hated myself more than I thought possible. At that moment I wanted to punch myself. To scream at myself for how I¡¯ve been acting. For what I¡¯ve been doing, telling myself it¡¯s for his best. But instead, I said nothing, and then I did nothing. I was acting strange without me knowing that I did. ¡±You¡¯ve been acting hella weird lately and I¡¯ve tried giving you space and all, but you just¡­¡± He groaned. ¡±What is it you want from me?¡± It sounded like something between a sigh, a groan, and a whisper. He said it once more, this time loud and clear, almost like a hiss while staring straight at me. As if his patience was wearing thin. ¡±What do you want from me, Lucy?¡± ¡±I want to be your boyfriend!¡± I snapped at him. It didn¡¯t take longer than a blink of an eye until I knew what I had said. I knew it as I watched Marcus¡¯s eyes widen as he stiffened, staring at me, mouth hanging open against his chest. ¡±You¡­ You, you¡­ you what!?¡± he spluttered, hands moving around in wild gestures and I steeled myself so I wouldn¡¯t look away, I owed him at least that much. ¡±Marcus¡±, I pleaded softly, asking him to calm down with the tone of my voice only. ¡±I think I¡¯m a boy. I think I¡¯m¡­ trans.¡± ¡±You think?¡± he repeated. ¡±I¡¯m¡­ pretty sure¡±, I responded. My patience starting to wear thin but I knew that had the roles been reversed Marcus would¡¯ve needed a miracle to help me keep my cool. ¡±You¡¯re¡­?¡± Marcus sighed, pushing his hands through his hair and grabbing at it so strands poked out from between his fingers. ¡±I can¡¯t believe this¡±, he whispered, turning his gaze from me to his feet. ¡±I should¡±, he started before visibly relaxing, or trying to. Marcus gestured to the door and said, ¡±I should go.¡± ¡±Marcus!¡± I saw how his whole body faltered before tensing, how he held up a hand to me. ¡±Don¡¯t¡±, he begged before he was out the door, and at that moment I wasn¡¯t sure if I¡¯d ever see him again. But it was Marcus. It was dramatic Marcus who found out his girlfriend wants to be his boyfriend in the middle of an argument. I had always been prepared that he would throw a fit, always knew how he¡¯d react, but it didn¡¯t make it easier when the moment arrived. Maybe that was why I tried pushing it off as far as I could into the future? So that a future me could deal with it, a version of me that was stronger. A version of me that could actually deal with this. A version of me that did not exist. I sighed into the emptiness of my room before falling back against my pillows, begging my brain to take me to sleep and present to me dreams that were better than reality. ¡±I just prepared the bathroom for you.¡± Alex stood in the doorway, his expression sympathetic and I hated it. ¡±Are you okay?¡± ¡±Yes¡±, I said. ¡±I know you¡¯re lying.¡± ¡±Then why did you ask, Alex?¡± I met his eyes, watching his lips turn into a thin line and his eyes go even more sympathetic. ¡±You know I¡¯m not okay.¡± ¡±He¡¯ll come around¡±, said Alex. He had said that phrase so many times during these last few days since Marcus had stormed out of our house. Somehow, Alex¡¯s words didn¡¯t sound as sure anymore. ¡±He always will.¡± ¡±It¡¯s been four days¡±, I said, looking down at my hands, lying on my lap like dead weight. ¡±He needs time¡±, he said and I nodded slightly. ¡±He¡¯s probably confused and a little hurt.¡± ¡±Hurt?¡± ¡±Yeah, that you hadn¡¯t told him sooner¡±, Alex explained. ¡±He loves you, everyone who sees the two of you together knows that. And he knows you love him, too, and that¡¯s probably why it¡¯s so hard for him.¡± I sighed. ¡±Why do you always have to be so sensible?¡± Alex smiled at me. ¡±One of us has to be.¡± I chuckled, shaking my head. My chest still felt heavy but empty. ¡±Thanks¡±, I muttered, looking at him with a small, half-forced smile. He smiled back at me, and opened his mouth as if to say something when suddenly a bell was heard. Alex and I stared at each other before Alex went to the door and opened it. ¡±Hello, Marcus¡±, was all I heard before my heartbeat echoed in my ears as I stared towards the spot Alex had stood some seconds before. ¡±Hey¡±, he answered, a little uncertainly. ¡±What can I do for you?¡± I would¡¯ve rolled my eyes at Alex¡¯s antics if I wasn¡¯t petrified. ¡±I need to talk to Lucy¡±, Marcus said. That was the last thing I heard before footsteps grew louder and louder, coming to my door. Alex appeared first. ¡±Marcus is here¡±, he said, gesturing towards Marcus. ¡±If you need anything, I¡¯ll be in my room.¡± He looked between me and Marcus before walking away, giving us space. I forced myself to look at Marcus as he stepped towards where I sat on the bed. ¡±I got you something¡±, he said and handed me a wrapped package. I eyed it curiously before looking back at Marcus. He was staring at his feet, seemingly nervous. Nodding, I took the present from him and started unwrapping it, my hands were shaking in anticipation and nerves and probably something akin to confusion. ¡±Uhm¡±, I said as I held the gift in my hands, fabric soft. I turned to smile at Marcus. I hadn¡¯t felt this nervous around him since I didn¡¯t know when. ¡±I didn¡¯t know what else to give you¡±, he said, scratching the back of his neck. ¡±I wanted to give you something that¡¯d say ¡¯Hey, I¡¯m sorry about how I reacted and so you¡¯re a dude, it¡¯s no big deal¡¯¡± He grinned sheepishly. ¡±Boxers were the only thing I knew would be like associated with guys because penises and everything.¡± He was silent for a moment, body stiff before he let his arms fall down his sides. ¡±Do you¡­ uhm¡­ want one?¡± I raised an eyebrow at him, amused. ¡±A what?¡± ¡±A penis.¡± His eyes were closed and his face was red. I grinned. ¡±What was that?¡± I asked. ¡±I can¡¯t hear you.¡± Marcus glared at me but it lacked its bite, it was almost endearing. ¡±Do you want a penis?¡± he asked, this time he looked and sounded calm, his eyes were soft as he looked at me. ¡±Yeah¡±, I said. ¡±I think so. I still have to see a gender psychologist about it before anything can be set in stone. Marcus nodded. ¡±I actually have something else for you, too¡±, he announced, sitting down on my bed, next to me. He picked up his phone and held it in front of me. ¡±Say something¡±, he said. I narrowed my eyes at him before saying, ¡±Hello?¡± Marcus started laughing, shaking his head while I just stared at him. ¡±What?¡± I asked. ¡±You told me to say something!¡± He turned to look at me, grinning, shaking his head before turning back to his phone. He pressed a finger to the screen and suddenly its speakers parroted me in a deeper voice. I stared at it before turning to stare at Marcus. ¡±I figured you¡¯d want to know what you¡¯d sound like¡±, he said sheepishly. ¡±And I guess I¡¯m curious, too.¡± ¡±So¡­¡±, I started. ¡±What do you think?¡± Marcus smiled at me. ¡±A little to get used to, if I¡¯m honest, but you still sound hot.¡± I smiled at him. ¡±You know I love you and¡­ thanks. For understanding.¡± He grabbed my hand and squeezed it before leaning down to kiss me. ¡±Can you say that again?¡± Marcus asked some seconds later. ¡±That you love me. I want to know what it would sound like.¡± I stared at him and his eyes widened. ¡±If it¡¯s okay!¡± He seemed flustered and I smiled at that. I leaned forward to peck his cheek, feeling the warmth of him under my lips and I smiled against it. Marcus was still solid next to me and he had come around in a way I probably should have expected but was still a little surprised by. ¡±Of course¡±, I said, straightening my back again. When Marcus signaled for me to start I said, ¡±I love you, Marcus.¡± Marcus grinned at me before pressing play on his phone as a deeper version of my voice repeated my words. ¡±You know what¡±, Marcus started, looking at me with a smirk and eyes full of stars. ¡±I¡¯ll definitely get used to this.¡± I laughed before pulling him against me for a kiss. ¡±Thank you¡±, I said, sliding my hands up his sides until they were tickled by the short strands by his neck. ¡±And Marcus..?¡± I said after we pulled apart. Marcus raised both his eyebrows in silent question. I moved my hands from his neck, stood up, and left my room, gesturing for him to follow me into the bathroom. A chair stood waiting in the middle of the room, a pair of scissors and a hairbrush lying atop it. I picked them up and handed them to Marcus. ¡±Cut my hair?¡± Marcus stared at me before grinning, leaning forward to kiss me muttering an ¡±of course¡± against my lips as he took the tools from me. I grinned back at that before turning around and sitting down on the chair. I was unsure how long I sat there but I couldn¡¯t help but smile at the simplicity of it all. The comfortable silence and feel in the room. Surrounding us. For the first in a long time, we existed on the same plane, in the same reality. When Marcus finished, he tapped me on my shoulder and I rose from the chair to check my reflection in the mirror. I stared at myself, turning my head side to side to get a better look at Marcus¡¯s handiwork. Long strands framed my face in a way that felt foreign but new and refreshing. I dragged a hand through my hair, noticing with something akin to horror before I turned around to look at Marcus. ¡±A mullet?¡± I hissed at him, pointing at my new hairstyle. Marcus¡¯s ears and cheeks went pink before he took a step forward to pat my head awkwardly, smug grin plastered on his face. ¡±You knew I¡¯ve never cut hair before.¡± I rolled my eyes at him and suddenly he looked worried, scratching the back of his neck. ¡±Do you¡­ uhm, want me to fix it?¡± I turned around again to face the mirror, taking in the hairstyle and my face, the foreignness of my appearance. Grinning, I met Marcus¡¯s eyes from the reflection of the mirror. ¡±No¡±, I replied before turning to look at myself. ¡±It suits him.¡± I loved how it sounded. ¡±Yeah¡±, Marcus agreed with a smile. ¡±It really does.¡± Sometimes a dawn could arrive but not in the way you¡¯d expect. Part Two: The Girl In Drag Marcus and I were sitting on the floor in my room, trying to study when he brought up something that I had never expected could change everything. ¡±My mom has been asking about you¡±, he says. ¡±If we¡¯re still together and stuff and I tell her that fuck yeah, we are.¡± I rolled my eyes. ¡±But?¡± Marcus coughed before saying, ¡±You¡¯re invited to dinner on Friday.¡± I stared at him and he stared back. ¡±I understand if you¡¯re not comfortable telling her yet but know that I¡¯ll stand up for you, okay?¡± I couldn¡¯t move, the thought of meeting her like this was terrifying. ¡±But, if I¡¯m honest, I don¡¯t think she¡¯s gonna care. She likes you, Lucas. Girl or boy doesn¡¯t change that.¡± I sighed. ¡±Have you come out to her as¡­¡± I stopped myself, deep in thought. ¡±You mean Lucassexual?¡± He asked, grinned and shot me finger guns. I threw my pen at him. ¡±I¡¯m serious!¡± I said. Marcus sighed, dragged a hand through his hair with an exasperated sigh. ¡±No¡±, he said. ¡±I haven¡¯t told her anything. I don¡¯t know what I¡¯m supposed to come out as, you know? I was head over heels for someone I once thought was a girl but turned out to be a guy. Does that make me bi? Pan?¡± He shrugged. ¡±All I know is that I love you and that¡¯s all that matters.¡± He smiled reassuringly at me, moving to grab my hand and I let him. ¡±But what will she think?¡± ¡±Who cares what she¡¯ll think?!¡± he grinned, his arms flailing around him in a wild gesture, but all I noticed was his blinding smile. ¡±So you don¡¯t think I should go there in a dress and makeup?¡± Marcus blinked a few times. ¡±To be honest¡±, he started. ¡±No, no I don¡¯t.¡± He shook his head with a fond smile on his lips. ¡±All I want is you to be you. You can borrow one of my suits if you want.¡± He grinned mischievously and I rolled my eyes. ¡±It¡¯ll probably be too big for you but who cares.¡± ¡±Thanks¡±, I said, leaning forward to press a kiss against his lips. After that, we went back to study. When Friday came around, Marcus had come by to pick me up in his car and he had brought with him one of his old suits, one he argued would fit me. ¡±Marcus¡±, I said, moving in front of my wardrobe mirror. ¡°It¡¯s too big.¡± Marcus opened my bedroom door and peeked inside with a grin. ¡±Looks perfect to me¡±, he said as I turned to glare at him. ¡±I swear.¡± As for emphasis, he placed a hand over his heart. I looked back at my reflection with a small smile, turning around so I could get a glimpse of all the angles. ¡±I guess you¡¯re right¡±, I said. ¡±I¡¯m just nervous.¡± Marcus smiled before walking to me, putting his arms around me. ¡±Don¡¯t be¡±, he said as if it was the easiest thing in the world to come out as trans to your boyfriend¡¯s mom. ¡±Will it make you feel better if I put on my Justin Bieber-wig for dinner?¡± I couldn¡¯t help the laugh that escaped me and I shook my head in disbelief, my hair tickling the side of Marcus¡¯s face that was pressed against my neck. ¡±I can¡¯t believe you still have it!¡± ¡±I saved it for a moment like this¡±, he said and I could see him waggling his eyebrows in the reflection on the mirror. I smiled warmly at him. He pressed a kiss to my neck before stepping back. ¡±Are you ready to go?¡± Before I could change my mind, I nodded and followed him out to his car. We sat in silence the whole drive apart from Marcus occasionally singing along to the radio. Marcus told me words of encouragement as we stepped out of the car and onto the front porch. He opened the door and said, ¡±We¡¯re here!¡± It didn¡¯t take long before footsteps were heard approaching us, soon followed by the familiar face of Marcus¡¯s mom. ¡±I wasn¡¯t aware that this was a costume party¡±, Mrs Jones said as she looked between Marcus and me with an eyebrow raised. I watched Marcus open and close his mouth several times before looking at me with a question in his eyes. I kept watching him, my ability to form words had been thrown out the window. ¡±It isn¡¯t¡±, I heard Marcus say. ¡±What?¡± Mrs. Jones said. She was frowning, her smile was unsure, as if she didn¡¯t understand if she was expected to laugh or not. As if she didn¡¯t know if Marcus was joking. Marcus sighed as he turned to face his mom. ¡±It¡¯s not a costume party, mom¡±, he said before gesturing towards me. ¡±This is how Lucas wants to dress.¡± ¡±Lucas?¡± she asked with a frown. ¡±As in a boy¡¯s name?¡± Never before had I seen Marcus¡¯s face change so drastically into an expression of horror. He turned to look at me with glassy, almost doll-like, eyes and mouth hanging open as if an apology would slip through it at any moment, but it never did. ¡±Yes¡±, I said. ¡±As in I¡¯m a boy.¡± Mrs Jones turned to me with a polite smile. ¡±You just want to get attention, don¡¯t you? Why else would you start walking around like that? You¡¯re a girl, Lucy. I know you.¡± ¡±Mom!¡± said Marcus, his voice was hoarse with warning and it didn¡¯t suit him. Any sound from him or look on his face that wasn¡¯t happy or teasing or shy, didn¡¯t fit him. I sighed, closing my eyes. ¡±All I ever wanted was to be myself.¡± Mrs. Jones held up her hands. ¡±I get that, I do. But if you don¡¯t want the world to know, then why make it so flashy? When people look at you, they don¡¯t see a boy. They see a girl in drag. Why don¡¯t you just do us all a favor and be who you¡¯re supposed to be.¡± This is who I¡¯m supposed to be, I wanted to argue, but my throat was too dry and my tongue was numb. The next morning I went to school in a dress and makeup. Marcus stared at me with wide eyes. A part of me had expected him to look relieved, but he didn¡¯t. Instead, he had looked at me in worry. The second we stood in front of each other, he gripped my wrist, holding me in place, asking me if I¡¯m okay. This tale has been unlawfully lifted without the author''s consent. Report any appearances on Amazon. No, I wanted to say. I wanted to scream. But all I could hear was what his mom had said. That all I wanted was attention. Why should I change a perfectly good body? ¡±I¡¯m okay¡±, I said instead. Marcus frowned at me. ¡±Why are you dressed like this, Lucas?¡± I yanked my arm out of his grip and said, ¡±Because I looked like a girl in drag.¡± Marcus stood frozen and stunned as I walked away from him, leaving him behind me. ¡±Wait!¡± he yelled after me but I kept walking, shaking my head. He didn¡¯t come after me and I didn¡¯t know if I had wanted him to or not. I had pretended to be Lucy for so much of my life, it was a role I was assigned but couldn¡¯t outgrow. A costume I couldn¡¯t take off. I already had a girl¡¯s body and all I had to do was embrace it. My problem was that I¡¯ve worn this costume ever since I was born, and it never quite fit me. It¡¯s like wearing an itchy shirt you can¡¯t take off and with every passing day it gets itchier and itchier. I could wear girl clothes and I could wear makeup and I could make myself look like any other girl and I could pass as a girl but it will never be more than an act for me. I could wear clothes that made me feel comfortable. I could do that but people would take one look at me and think that I was a girl in a boy¡¯s clothes. That I was a girl wearing my boyfriend¡¯s clothes. That I was a girl in drag. They wouldn¡¯t see who I was, they¡¯d just see the mask I couldn¡¯t take off. They wouldn¡¯t see that the girl part was the real costume and that there¡¯s another face beneath the act. My true face. They say some actors were born to play a certain character, but they never expected it to be in the literal sense, like it was for me. Being who you awerere is a privilege I wasn¡¯t born with. My brother doesn¡¯t know how good he has it. Marcus doesn¡¯t know how good he had it. Instead, he fell in love with me and I ruined his perfect life and perfect world. And his perfect girl. I walked like that for a week, dressed up, looking pretty as if I was prepared for Halloween. Pretending to be someone else. Putting on the mask I wanted so badly to take off. For a week Alex gave me a disapproving look, telling me to stop doing this. But I couldn¡¯t. I had pretended to be Lucy before, I could easily pretend to be her again. For a week Marcus looked like he was in physical pain, whenever his eyes met mine and for a week I pretended I didn¡¯t notice. Because maybe Marcus¡¯s mom had been right, and all I wanted was attention. Friday came around, I pretended not to notice all the looks my peers were giving me when I walked past them. I ignored the questions in Kim¡¯s and Johnny¡¯s eyes when they met mine, but most of all I avoided the piercing blue ones that I loved. Marcus¡¯s eyes. I avoided them because I knew the pain hiding there, I knew the way he looked at me, as if just looking at me like this was too hard for him. A part of me was glad someone shared my pain. ¡±If you hate this so much¡±, Alex had said, his arms crossed over his chest, as he watched me put on mascara this morning. ¡±Why don¡¯t you just stop?¡± I met my brother¡¯s hard gaze through the reflection of the mirror before sighing. ¡±I don¡¯t know¡±, I said, looking away. It was true, I had no idea why I couldn¡¯t stop. All I knew was the void inside my chest, the ache that I couldn¡¯t quite name and so I pushed it deeper down until all I was, was numb. ¡±Lucas¡±, he said with a softness, both in his eyes and in his voice. ¡±Don¡¯t¡±, I warned, meeting his eyes again. He just frowned at me before turning to walk away, muttering ¡±fine¡±. In some inexplicable way, the ache inside of me grew further, until the chill of it reached the tips of my fingers but I pushed it aside again. When I left the house, I looked at my bike with a clenching heart before walking towards the bus, putting my headphones in my ears to fill the emptiness inside with music. I put on my ¡±:(¡± playlist that Marcus had created for me some years ago. A few stops away from did I change from Nickleback¡¯s ¡±Lullaby¡± to Katelyn Tarver¡¯s ¡±You Don¡¯t Know¡±, feeling the mood fit me more. When the piano started playing and the first sentence was sung, I closed my eyes and breathed it in. I know you¡¯ve got the best intentions, just trying to find the right words to say. Something caused me to clench my fists, but I didn¡¯t know what. A part of me imagined Alex¡¯s face in my head and it was to him I sang this song. Let me just stop trying, let me just stop fighting. I was so done with fighting. It felt like that was the one thing I had done my entire life. Maybe that was why I felt so exhausted lately? I had fought enough and there was nothing inside of me left, willing to keep fighting. When the second verse started, I imagined Marcus¡¯s face whenever his eyes met mine lately. Whenever he saw me dressed the way I was supposed to. The way I was born to. The way that wasn¡¯t me, and he looked at me liked that because he knew it was true. So why did I do this? Why did I go through all of this again? I knew why. I had always known why, ever since I started wearing makeup again. The problem was that I wasn¡¯t ready to accept it. Marcus met me by my locker as he usually did. His arms were crossed and his expression was sour. ¡±What the hell is going on?¡± he asked when I stood in front of him, taking out my headphones. I ignored him, instead, I moved to open my locker but Marcus put a hand on it so that I had no other choice but to acknowledge him. And so I did. ¡±What do you want?¡± I asked with a glare. Marcus frowned at me before shaking his head with a chuckle that lacked its usual mirth. ¡±Who are you?¡± he asked, his eyes scanning my painted face and I wished I was an origami bird so that I could fold in on myself, like an ostrich hiding beneath the sand. ¡±It¡¯s like I don¡¯t recognize you anymore.¡± ¡±I look the same as I used to¡±, I argued. In response, Marcus merely rolled his eyes. ¡±You look like Lucy¡±, he said. I swallowed. ¡±But she¡¯s not who you are.¡± He smiled at me in a soft and sincere way but I couldn¡¯t help look away, as if that look wasn¡¯t reserved for me. ¡±That¡¯s where you¡¯re wrong¡±, I said, held up a hand to shove the one Marcus still held flush against my locker. He pulled it away and so I moved to open it. ¡±Don¡¯t do this, Lucas¡±, he whispered in a silent plea. I met his eyes with an eyebrow raised in confusion at his sudden words, but when I saw his expression and how defeated and frustrated he looked, I couldn¡¯t help but look away. ¡±It¡¯s because of my mom, right?¡± I sighed, ducking my head a little. ¡±I know she¡¯s wrong, Lucas¡±, he continued. ¡±I know you and I know you wouldn¡¯t go that far for attention.¡± I closed my eyes, feeling familiar arms wrap around my chest. ¡±So I don¡¯t look like a girl in drag?¡± I whispered. I felt him shake his head against my shoulder, his short hair tickling my skin. ¡±You look like a drag, alright¡±, he began. ¡±A drag queen.¡± I snorted, feeling Marcus¡¯s arms loosen its grip around me as he straightened up, looking straight at me. We were still standing really, really close to each other, every breath he took ghosted against my skin. ¡±I¡¯m serious, though.¡± He smiled at me, tucking a strand of my hair behind my ear. ¡±You wouldn¡¯t go that far for attention. And if it had been your mom, or Alex for that matter, who accused you of that, I would be the first person knocking on your door and demanding you to move to my house.¡± I couldn¡¯t help the laugh bubbling out from my chest. That was the moment that I noticed I didn¡¯t feel half as empty as I had just an hour ago. ¡±Get a room¡±, came Kim¡¯s familiar voice and within a second, Marcus and I had jumped apart. ¡±Good to see you¡¯re feeling better though, Lucas.¡± Marcus snickered, so I turned to glare at him but somewhere along the way, it had turned into a smile, one that Marcus soon reflected. When Monday came around, Marcus came to pick me up in his car to drive me to school. Alex had looked at us with an amused smile, at which Marcus grinned. I felt like there was a newfound confidence inside of me as I walked through the hallways in Marcus¡¯s usual outfit. It didn¡¯t hurt that Kim and Johnny grinned at us, holding home-baked blue cupcakes in his hands. The fact that Marcus was walking next to me, sporting Lucy¡¯s usual look, didn¡¯t hurt either.