《The Dead South》


 Coming out and a lost boy

    Chapter 0ne


    Coming out and a lost boy.


    They came on quick, a round of deep throaty coughs wracks through me. I knew what was coming, but I really hoped I was wrong, it was kinda hard to deny it though. It¡¯s like everything was slowing down and speeding up all at the same time and for the first time in a long time I¡¯m really scared. It hurts, fuck me it hurts so bad! Maybe even as much as why I¡¯m here in the first place, but then again, maybe not I think to myself when the coughing fit finally stops for a minute.


    If I¡¯m totally honest, not that I have that much experience to draw from, but that part actually seemed to happen pretty quick. In all truth I never would have seen it coming in a million years, so I think I felt more surprised than anything else when it happened. It is right then the realisation, or maybe it¡¯s simply just acceptance, of just how final this particular moment is going to be sets in and for whatever reason, I barely feel it anymore anyway. Truth be told, right now I think I barely feel much of anything, and I can¡¯t help but wonder why that is.


    We¡¯ve all heard the stories, right? The ones when you die and your whole life flashes before your eyes. It doesn¡¯t though, not for me anyway. In fact, the only thing I¡¯m really feeling right now is pain. It¡¯s washing over me and pulling me around, like a prairie windstorm. The pain of the moment, the pain of knowing that I¡¯ll never be able to see those I love again, the pain of knowing what I¡¯m leaving behind. I think you even feel the pain of how stupid you are, that you managed to get into whatever this situation is in the first place! I know I did, but I¡¯m gonna say that one was pretty fleeting though. I guess there¡¯s no sense in dwelling on that bullshit, there¡¯s never enough time for that anyway.


    Another round of coughing comes on quicker than the last, and it shakes me back to lucid for the oh so briefest of moments. But it¡¯s just enough and once again the actual physical pain comes rushing back in right along with it, like a tsunami on the rebound. This time I can feel something new though, a warm and somewhat sweet and tangy wetness on my lips and in the back of my throat like an aftertaste. It wasn¡¯t there before, but it certainly is now, and it takes me a second of my very limited time left to figure out what it is. It confused me at first because of all the different sensations I was feeling right then, but I quickly recognised that all too familiar very distinctive warm coppery taste. Instinctively I knew it¡¯s meaning, because at that point I was pretty sure I was drowning, I know that¡¯s bad but, at least it¡¯s happening quick. That means the pain will end soon, it will all end soon, and I start to feel it drift away, everything is drifting away.


    A sense of cold numbness was starting to spread throughout my very existence. I figure this is shock, or what I¡¯m gonna call stage two. That¡¯s how it worked out for me anyway. Shock is when your mind and body tries to hit the reset button, in order protect you and repair itself by slipping you into its welcoming arms. Intellectually I knew that because we¡¯d studied it in health class last year. Knowing and feeling this though, are so different things and I wasn¡¯t prepared for the totality of it. I mean, could you ever be? It¡¯s funny what you think about in moments like this.


    In my case, I know it¡¯s a wasted effort. What I can see of the knife that asshole stabbed into me and the rapidly widening dark wet stain on the front of my favourite t-shirt, is all the evidence I need of that. Tonight, was supposed to be a special occasion, so I wore the skater one he loves so much, because he says the bright red makes my dark eyes sparkle. For the briefest of moments, I feel a sense of very intense anger that our special night was ruined, but that doesn¡¯t really last either.


    Time is running out now and in the back of my mind, I can hear myself screaming that I don¡¯t want to die and now I can¡¯t stop thinking about daddy and the moms, my little brothers, my beautiful boyfriend. Even though it¡¯s so hard and I am so scared right now, I force myself not to cry. It won¡¯t do any good anyway and for the briefest of moments I wonder if he¡¯ll be mad at me for getting my shirt ruined.


    I do take a small amount of comfort in the numbness though, because it makes the pain fade into the background again for a second or two. The cold damp ground I fell back onto seems to help with this numbing effect and hopefully it¡¯s also hiding the fact that I think I¡¯ve wet myself. My body is being all rebellious all of a sudden, it doesn¡¯t care about my embarrassment, it just wants to get rid of the large soda I drank earlier. Though to be fair, I can¡¯t gather enough strength to be bothered or upset by that either. It¡¯s almost like the earth is a vampire, hungrily draining all my heat, my fluids and my strength, only to replace it all with cold and dark. Even the distant roars of a crowd nearby and the lights off in the near distance are fading into nothing.


    Annoyingly though, this numbness has an unfortunate side effect. Again, I¡¯m able to think a little clearer, and what I¡¯m going to call ¡®the final stage¡¯ sets in, intense loneliness. Whether it¡¯s just you, or whether you¡¯re in a crowd, death is the last thing you will ever do and it¡¯s the only thing you will ever do where you are utterly and completely alone. It is immensely hard to quantify this feeling with mere words, but for some reason I feel like I should at least try.


    However, that thought process is short lived as a third round of coughing explodes from my body, and this time the blood that comes with it is unmistakable. It¡¯s so much thicker and there¡¯s more of it. I can even feel it free flowing simultaneously down my chin and back down my throat to pool in my lungs. I can¡¯t catch my breath now either and my body feels like it¡¯s a million miles away, or at the very least someone else¡¯s.


    That doesn¡¯t last long either, because just as that thought entered my rapidly weakened mind an intensely sharp slicing pain from my chest being rapidly and forcefully expanded and retracted on the knife buried in it pulls me back in again. This time it rattles me to my very core, and I can almost feel more blood escaping. It feels warm, but the heat doesn¡¯t last long in the cold night air. I honestly don¡¯t think I have much of it left anyway, but I can no longer seem to grasp enough energy to worry about it.


    The only thing I can think about and the only thing I have the strength to hold on to right now is him. I hope this was all worth it, but even more, I hope he got away. I love him so much and right now, at the end, I can¡¯t stop myself from wishing he was here to hold my hand. I desperately wished that I could look into his eyes and feel the love in there one last time, and suddenly, I feel a little selfish at that thought.


    I told him I¡¯d always protect him, that I would always be there for him; then I told him to run just before it happened. I figured I¡¯d get the crap beat of me, there were a whole lot more of them than me, but at least I¡¯d probably be able to walk away from it. I was not expecting to be stabbed, that¡¯s for sure, and knowing that now, who knows what would have happened to him if he¡¯d stayed. I don¡¯t and I really don¡¯t want to think about it either. At least I could take some solace that I could do this one last thing for him, to keep him safe, daddy would have to take over from here and I know he will.


    It¡¯s getting close now, it¡¯s almost here I can feel it, or not feel it, depending on your point of view. This is it, I think to myself and I¡¯m suddenly overcome with sadness. I don¡¯t see any white lights; maybe the stories are real, maybe I am going to hell. I don¡¯t think I¡¯ll ever see him again and my last hope bursts like a balloon in my face. The realisation I¡¯ll never see anything again sets in and finally I can¡¯t hold my emotions back anymore as a single tear and a small quiet sob escapes me, I manage one final whisper, ¡°I¡¯m so sorry Riley, I love you so much¡±.


    After I count down the three rounds of coughing, I don¡¯t know why that strikes me as a thing, but it does. I feel the blackness of oblivion overwhelm me and as it does, a last solitary thought flits through my mind like a wisp on the wind. I can feel myself reaching for it, but like everything else since this whole thing started, I get close but just can¡¯t grasp it long enough to keep hold of it. I do know what that thought was though. I felt it¡¯s meaning as it slid through my fingers at least in hell I¡¯ll be in good company! I barely have enough will left to wonder where that thought came from before the frigid black completely envelopes me and I cease to exist.


    ***


    It¡¯s been a little over three weeks since it happened and I¡¯m in my usual spot, the same spot I¡¯ve been in every day since. My mom came by earlier and tried to get me to at least go for a walk or something, but I refused, even when she tried bribing me with ice cream. She even invoked the mom voice and used my full name!


    ¡°Riley, honey?¡± She started, then when I didn¡¯t respond ¡°RILEY ONYX MAXWELL! You stink! You need to shower and change your clothes, if you won¡¯t come home, at least do that much!¡±


    Normally the full name thing would terrify me, and rightly so, but these were strange times I was in. Normally I was a good boy, respectful and courteous, in my mind I wasn¡¯t being disobedient, I had just made my mind up. Over the last three weeks both moms had tried multiple times, they had even tried taking me home once, I guess I¡¯d fallen asleep, and they had carried me to the car or something. But as soon as I woke up, and realised where I wasn¡¯t, I came straight back here. They didn¡¯t bother trying that again, knowing full well I would just find my way back, no matter what obstacles they put in place.


    Mom knows how stubborn I am, so when I showed no signs of moving at all after about fifteen minutes, she finally gave up trying for the day. I knew one or the other would try again tomorrow, but for now, I was in the clear. She was still my mom though, so put a bag of fresh food and a change of clothes that she had brought with her on the chair next to me and then leaned down to kiss my forehead. She stopped by the bed for a minute to rearrange the covers and then left.


    I might have napped, off and on but I¡¯m not sure. Every day my guilt grows stronger because this is all my fault and I see it over and over every time I close my eyes. When I do sleep, if I sleep at all, I have nightmares. Well, I really only have the one, it¡¯s the same thing every time. When it comes, I relive that night in vivid detail and every time it gets worse. He told me to run that night, but I hesitated. Maybe if I had run right away, he would have come with me. But in my dreams, it plays out exactly the same way as it did that night, only in slow motion. Although, each time it replays, his eyes get a little sadder and a little more accusing. I don¡¯t know if that¡¯s real or not, but that is what I see.


    Luke, the boys, and the moms have been pretty regular visitors, but I am mostly quiet during their visits and not much company. After the first week when I didn¡¯t come out of my funk, the boys got scared and upset, especially CJ. I wasn¡¯t my usual self, and he didn¡¯t understand why. Even climbing onto my lap and giving me one of his sweet little hugs wasn¡¯t enough to break through the terrible guilt and loss that I felt.


    They didn¡¯t understand that it was all my fault, none of them did. I mean, both Luke and the moms said I was wrong, they said it wasn¡¯t my fault. But I knew it was, they weren¡¯t there, I was. How could I tell them, how could I make them understand that it was all because of me, I was the reason we were all there. They would hate me, and they should, I don¡¯t deserve them, I don¡¯t deserve their love. I don¡¯t deserve anything but shame and guilt and loneliness, that¡¯s my punishment for what I¡¯ve done. And my penance is this room, this vigil. Maybe that was why I was determined to push them all away, so I wouldn¡¯t hurt them too.


    I guess what I was feeling back then was pretty dark. To be fair, I wasn¡¯t really suicidal, but I do remember thinking it a few times. I really wasn¡¯t paying that much attention to my surroundings though, so I ¡®m not surprised when a few of those thoughts bled through the filters. They were all worried about me because of them in their own way, but I¡¯m pretty sure Luke was the only one to hear the darkest ones and for some reason it hit him like a freight train! He knew exactly what I was feeling, survivors¡¯ guilt, he called it when we talked about it much later.


    If you think I¡¯m stubborn, I¡¯ve got nothing on Luke! He basically ordered me to talk to a therapist. He even threatened to carry me there himself. I actually thought that was probably a good Idea, and told him so, but again I refused to leave so somehow Luke arranged for the therapist to come to me. At thirteen I didn¡¯t understand how he had so much pull for a simple northern Texas cattle rancher, I mean their ranch was pretty big sure, but it would be years before I knew exactly who Lucius Archer Travallian Jr actually was.


    The therapist arrived later that day and he was a good guy, his name was Dr Jack Anderton, but he told me I could just call him Dr Jack if I wanted, so I did. He was a good-looking guy I guess, in his middle thirties with dark hair, blue eyes and the start of a dad bod. Dr Jack was very patient with me, but it took a while to warm up to him. Our first few sessions were mostly spent with us just sitting quietly and watching each other. It wasn¡¯t that I didn¡¯t want to talk to him, I just didn¡¯t know where to start. Once I got comfortable though, the flood gates opened.


    ¡°They couldn¡¯t see the fear in his eyes that night¡±, I eventually told him. ¡°But they didn¡¯t know him like I did, to me it was clear as day!¡±


    It occurs to me, now that I¡¯ve started telling Dr Jack our story, they probably couldn¡¯t see his fear that night because he wasn¡¯t afraid of them, he never was, never could be. That kind of fear just wasn¡¯t in him. But he was afraid for me, because although I may be stubborn, I¡¯m not a fighter and never have been. One on one, even two or three on one, he could have taken them in a fair fight. Over the last year, he¡¯d had to a time or two, but they had never come at us in those kind of numbers before, had never come at us all at once like that before. Since we came out, there had been moments, but neither of us had ever faced that kind of concentrated hatred. As I made my break to get help, I told the therapist, they encircled him, and I lost sight of my beautiful boyfriend.


    Dr Jack and I spent many sessions alone in that room and over time I told him everything about us, he had me start with introductions, he knew who I was, and I knew he knew who he was, but he wanted me to introduce him anyway. I don¡¯t really understand why, some kind of therapy trick I guess, but he would ask at the start of every session. To be honest I¡¯m not sure why I refused, but I just couldn¡¯t say his name out loud at first. Dr Jack would keep asking though, even slipping the question in at random times. Finally, after about the fifteenth time he asked, I paused what I was saying, looked him straight in the eye and sighed.


    ¡°My boyfriend¡¯s name was Lucius Archer Travallian the third¡±, I finally said out loud. ¡°And he was thirteen when he died! Are you happy now?¡±


    My voice cracked on that last word, and I started to cry again, I¡¯d lost count of how many times that had happened. It took me a moment or two to compose myself, but when I was able to continue, I wiped my eyes clear, and then dragged my sleeve across my nose, leaving a small trail of snot in its wake. The moms would have killed me for that, had they seen it, they both hated when I did that. Dr Jack didn¡¯t say a word about it though, just waved a fresh box of Kleenex in front of me. After I¡¯d grabbed a few and cleaned up the best I could, he urged me to go on.


    His name sounds like old money and it kind of is I guess, but he was so humble, that never mattered to him. The fact that he was the heir to one of the biggest cattle ranches in Texas, didn¡¯t seem to matter to him either, it just was what it was to him. We called him Luca, and I loved him with all my heart! He''d been my best friend from the moment we first saw each other from across the room on our first day of kindergarten. He was the first person to look at me with anything that even remotely resembled friendship, so I gave him the tiniest of shy waves and when he waved back with what I can only describe as a genuinely warm smile I just knew, you know?


    I looked up at Dr Jack and I could see him smile and knew that he understood what I meant. Again, he chose to stay silent, letting me set the pace like he usually did, so I took a steadying breath and pressed on.


    Looking back on it now I still think it¡¯s crazy. I didn¡¯t know why or even how we could feel that way after just seeing each other for the first time. I know this sounds weird, but it was almost like we just melted onto the floor and then reformed into two halves of the same whole that day. We just clicked together in all the best ways and had been inseparable ever since. It wasn¡¯t long after that the moms followed suit and also became the best of friends. Convenient sure, but it really did make it so much easier for us to spend time together. At first, we only really saw each other at school, so it really never occurred to me, but we actually lived pretty far apart. After the first time he asked if I could come for a sleepover, I discovered just how far.


    To give some context here, the school we both attended was in the pretty nice and very green little agricultural town of Rainwater creek, which was right smack bang in the middle of Archer County in northern Texas. Red Rock Ranch, known as just ¡°Red Rock¡±, the Travallian¡¯s ranch took up most of the north-eastern corner of that county. In fact, its furthest northern edge, both county and ranch was a large section of the red river, which also made up the Texas and Oklahoma border.


    Rainwater Creek was big enough I guess; I mean it had a population of just under 18,000. There was a proper hospital, two elementary schools, two middle schools and a high school. It had a Publix, and a Walmart. There was a Home Depot, and a Target, not to mention all the other smaller stores, the feed stores and machinery dealerships, even a couple large truck stops. Red Rock wasn¡¯t the only ranch in the area, or even the county, it was just the largest one. There were a few name brand food places there, which we didn¡¯t go to much and a few other smaller restaurants, and saloons. My absolute favourite was a cute little Mexican place called Mamacita¡¯s that had the best food ever. Like everywhere else in Texas, Rainwater Creek also had plenty of churches, not that I went to any, my mom didn¡¯t believe in them and for some reason, neither did the Travallians.


    I knew Luca lived on his family ranch instead of in town like I did, he¡¯d proudly told me that he was a rancher from the very beginning. When I asked him how big it was one day, he said it was something like 600,000 acres, he wasn¡¯t bragging or anything, he just said it matter-of-factly. That still sounded pretty impressive to me. However, at the time I really didn¡¯t know what an acre was, and my kid mind didn¡¯t associate that with distance or scale. Dr Jack it seemed, was also pretty impressed by that number, though for some reason not that surprised either, when I looked over at him pausing to catch my breath.


    Even then, I told him, I still figured the ranch house was just passed the town boundary or something and it wouldn¡¯t take long to get there. I was a Texan, so I had seen some cowboy movies, and they never made it look that far to get from town to the homestead. As it turned out, Luca¡¯s house was a long hour and a half¡¯s drive from mine.


    We always knew we loved each other, I told Dr Jack at the following session, that much was obvious to anyone who looked at us. We were tighter than brothers all through elementary and into middle school. This was made so much easier when Luke offered mom a job as the ranch manager, she had an MBA and a law degree from a pretty decent college back east and had been running some interests from town, but she had grown up on a ranch herself and jumped at the chance to live on one again. She tried to tell me one day what her job was, I was still nine at the time, so most of it went straight over my head. I nodded and smiled in what I thought were the right places though, because I knew it meant something big to her and gave her a hug when she finished explaining, before running away to hang out with Luca. Apparently, her job was to manage the legal, administrative and investment side of the ranch while Luke ran the physical day to day.


    She started immediately, and we moved into the managers cottage at Red Rock the week after my ninth birthday. The best birthday present I had ever had up until then. It was kind of weird at first, going from town to ranch life, but it didn¡¯t take long to settle in. Getting up two hours earlier for the school bus took some serious getting used to though. But now Luca and I really were close by each other, walking distance in fact, neighbours if you will and the boys made it look easy, so I didn¡¯t complain too much.


    I didn¡¯t have any brothers, just a sister Alex who was much older and by then away at college up north. I¡¯m pretty sure she loves me, and I love her, but she never seems to have any time for me. Luca on the other hand was the oldest of three boys. His little brothers were Michael, who we all called Mikey, who was two years younger than us and Cooper who we all called CJ, who was four. Even with me around, Luca was a great big brother and always seemed to find time to be with them. If I¡¯m honest with the amount of time we were all spending together in those days, they pretty much became my brothers too, especially after we moved to the ranch. They both certainly loved and treated me like another big brother, so now I had three.


    ¡°I know they¡¯re hurting as much as I am Dr Jack and I know they need me to be there for them like he would and I am trying, but I just can¡¯t leave him again, I won¡¯t!¡± I said, breaking down again. I was trying to be so strong for everyone, but there really is only so much a thirteen-year-old boy can take sometimes.


    It took us years to figure it out actually, I managed to continue a few minutes later. In fact, it wasn¡¯t until we started middle school, we realised that we didn¡¯t just love each other, but that we were in love with each other. On the surface we shouldn¡¯t have worked really, we were kind of what you would call an odd couple, but we did work. Luca was smart and sporty, very sporty and I wasn¡¯t. I was very smart sure, but I was the shy quiet nerdy type and the closest I got to sport was tabletop wargames, roleplaying games and I was pretty good at video games. But like I said, I wasn¡¯t much for physical sports, I was a pretty decent skater though. Luke and Anakin had even built a small concrete park in an unused field by the barn with a little vert, a little street and a little bowl. He said he was sick of me destroying his farm equipment or the moms having to ferry me in and out of town, but I think both Luke and Anakin just wanted to do something nice for me.


    Now, as I¡¯m sure you are aware, in Texas, football is like a religion. Luca played it and was really good at it, he was amazing at baseball too. But I didn¡¯t, I did play baseball occasionally, though I wasn¡¯t that great at it, so I got singled out for ridicule sometimes. Especially when they thought Luca wasn¡¯t around. I didn¡¯t get much physical grief, but Luca was always my protector when I did. That didn¡¯t matter to him though, he never treated me as anything other than an equal and I loved him for it and did the same for him whenever he was around my interests. At his games I was always his biggest cheerleader. Not surprisingly, he always managed to find me in the stands. He¡¯d just flash me his winning smile, then get back to business. At my tourneys and comps, he was mine, so I guess it balanced out.


    His protective nature, that¡¯s how we got ourselves into this situation in the first place! By now though, we were starting to get into some better memories, and I could feel the mood start to lighten a little bit as I laid it all out for Dr Jack.


    I remember it like it was yesterday, even though it was last year. We were having a sleep over at my house just after my birthday in June, which was two weeks after his. I should have known something was up, we only ever stayed at my house, if he had something important to talk about and didn¡¯t want any interruptions. Usually, he wanted to stay close to home in case his brothers needed him, especially CJ, who at the time hadn¡¯t been sleeping well at night and often ended up in Luca¡¯s bed.


    Tonight, it was just us though, alone in my room. That was the night he came out to me, he told me that he couldn¡¯t keep it in any longer, that he was in love with a boy that he felt very strongly about. He got a little sheepish right then and for the first time ever I saw concern on his face that was directed at, or maybe because of me. I was happy for him though, and I told him so. I wrapped him in my arms like we¡¯d done a million times before and told him that I still loved him no matter what. He seemed to melt into me and relax a little at that point. I guess even when you know the outcome, you can still be a bit weird when you come out.


    Unauthorized content usage: if you discover this narrative on Amazon, report the violation.


    While we were still in each other¡¯s arms, and I was processing what he just told me, I felt the final piece click into place within my heart. The thing that I was always missing from inside me, the piece that truly made me a better whole, was him all along. I had never noticed or really even thought about it before, but as I thought about it right then, I realised that when we touched, the feeling of wholeness was always there. I know that sounds super sappy, but that was the only way I could vocalise the thought, and I cringed inwardly while looking over at Dr Jack. He didn¡¯t seem to notice my brief embarrassment, he was simply nodding and staring at his notebook while he scribbled things down.


    As that particular penny dropped, I went on after a minute or two, I just knew who Luca was talking about and realised that I felt the same way. In my defence, I was only twelve at the time and although I really had considered that I might be gay, what boy doesn¡¯t at that age? In all honesty though, I hadn¡¯t given it that much thought. I mean, I was only just starting to figure my own self out, if you know what I mean? Not to mention, it was only yesterday girls were yucky, and I was just beginning to see them as equals even though the rest of our friends were already starting to talk about them like love interests at the lunch table. I just figured that I might be slow in catching up or something.


    Revelations were coming thick and fast right in that moment, it seemed, because I suddenly realised that I had never heard Luca talking about girls in that way either, I guess now I understood why. Now that we were in the moment, in my heart I knew, well hoped that I was right. My mind needed to make sure though, so quietly I asked him who his crush was. His whole body immediately tensed up again and it took him a hot minute to build up the courage to speak again. In the tiniest of whispers and with the most scared I have ever heard him say anything before, he shakily whispered ¡°You, I¡¯m in love with you Riley.¡±


    He must have really been struggling to hold it together, because I could feel his body shudder in waves when he said it and his voice cracked for the first time about halfway through. He was also holding on to me so tight, it was almost as if he never wanted to let me go again in case I flew away or something. I¡¯d never felt, nor seen him so vulnerable and it scared me a little bit.


    When I started to pull back so I could see his face, and look into his eyes, I felt his grip tighten even more. He eventually loosened his grip and let me go, but it must have taken all the strength of will he had left. As soon as our eyes met though, we both felt it, and we melted into each other all over again.


    ¡°We both had our first kiss that night.¡± I blurted out. ¡°I¡¯m not exactly sure how Luca felt about it, but for me it was equal parts weird, disgusting, wet and totally awesome! We got a lot better at it since then, not to mention a few other things, but I think I¡¯ll keep those private, if you don¡¯t mind?¡±


    Dr Jack let loose a small snort-like chuckle before he managed to stifle it, then with a wink he nodded his agreement, and I spent the next minute or two searching his face, eyes, and body language to see if there was any judgement at that revelation. By now we had built some fairly decent trust, so I don¡¯t know why I did it, why I needed to, or even what I expected to find. Whatever it was though, I didn¡¯t find it, so I took a breath and finished out that session with the next part of the story.


    We both decided to come out fairly quickly after that, neither of us were particularly good liars, nor did we even want to be dishonest or secretive with the ones we loved. So, picking our targets very carefully, over the next few weeks we slowly tested the waters and brought people in. We chose the moms first, because they seemed pretty safe, and they were super supportive. Both said they already knew, I don¡¯t know about that! I guess it¡¯s possible though, moms are pretty weird like that sometimes.


    We told his brothers next, and they just said ¡®Okay¡± and went back to their video games like nothing was different. Later, I started to actually wonder if they understood what we had told them. A couple of days afterwards though while we were waiting for the bus, CJ asked us ¡°Are you guys going to get married now?¡±


    Mikey giggled, but then tried to hush his little brother, Luca just smiled and slipped his hand into mine, turned to look me in the eyes, and said, ¡°I hope so.¡±


    CJ almost lost his cute little cowboy hat, it was pushed so far back on his head when he wrapped his little arms around us both and said, ¡°I hope so too, I love my big brothers!¡±


    I reached out and pulled Mikey into the hug and replied, ¡°I love my little brothers too!¡±


    We all settled down after that and the bus arrived not much later. On the ride into town, I mentally kicked myself a little for not taking the boys understanding seriously. They were good kids and as smart as their big brother, they were younger sure, but I should have given them more credit. I vowed that day that I would not make that mistake again.


    We chose his dad next, which we were both a little concerned about, but for different reasons I thought. For Luca it was because his dad was ex-military and a rancher, a jock and a man¡¯s man! For me it was because I didn¡¯t have a dad, so over the years Luca¡¯s dad, who told me on day one to just call him Luke, was kind of like a surrogate dad to me and always treated me like his fourth son. I was terrified that if it all went wrong that I would lose him, that I¡¯d lose Luca, that I¡¯d lose my home and the family that I loved so much. I guess Luca had much the same worries as well, though I didn¡¯t realise that until later.


    You see, over the years Luke had never left me out of anything. From him I learned what it was to be a good man, he taught me to cowboy right along with Luca, to ride and to rope, drive cattle, to shoot and to hunt, and pretty much everything else in between. If I¡¯m honest, at first, I preferred the four-wheelers, to horses, they were easier on the balls. But the horses were pretty cool too, especially after I was given my own.


    My horse was a gift from Luke on my tenth birthday, he told me that I couldn¡¯t be a cowboy if I didn¡¯t have a horse. I named him Tigger, because he was a coppery colour and kind of bounced around wherever he went, and that reminded me of the tiger from Winnie the pooh. Luke had given Luca his own horse for his tenth birthday a couple of weeks earlier and I guess he thought I should have one too. Luca had named his horse Onyx, which was kind of weird, because Onyx was more a tannish brown than black. I asked him why later and he shrugged it off, he said that he just liked the name. At the time I didn¡¯t understand why he thought my middle name would be a good name for a brown horse, but that¡¯s Luca for you.


    We waited until after the branding that year to come out to Luke, when he would be home on a rare day off. We were both pretty tired from the last few days, we were considered finally old enough and had joined the drive and the following activities for the first time that year. As tired as we were though, we were more nervous than anything else when we approached Luke¡¯s workshop where he was restoring his 1968 mustang. We hung out for a bit and helped here and there, passing him tools when he asked and generally just chatting away like normal. After a while, Luke just came right out and told us to tell him what we came to tell him.


    I don¡¯t know why I did it, or even what I thought it would achieve. I mean, if he wanted to, Luke could have knocked me through the wall and into next week, but I did tell you I was stubborn! Luca suddenly looked super nervous, like he was about to fly apart, so I took charge of the situation and stepped in-front of him. I dug my heels in while slipping my hand into his. I was determined that I was going to shield him from whatever happened if it all went wrong. I don¡¯t know where that strength came from, but I just came right out and told my surrogate dad that his son and I were gay and in love with each other.


    Luke was silent for a few minutes, and I thought the world was about to end, when he broke out into a fit of laughter. I don¡¯t remember exactly what he said back to me after he had calmed down, but it was something like ¡°I¡¯m sorry boys, but Jesus, is that all? I thought you were gonna tell me you got some girls pregnant or something! Can you hand me that 3/8 socket?¡±


    With that, he slid back under the car. Later I realised that he was probably trying to relieve the tension or something, but it was all a little too surreal for us. I did get him the socket, but after a few minutes of weird awkwardness, we weren¡¯t sure it had all sunk in, so didn¡¯t stay very long after that. I¡¯m really not sure if we actually wanted to find out right then either. It had gone well enough and that was all that mattered.


    From very early on both Luke and the moms decided that we should eat the evening meal with the family at the main house. Their reasoning was that two extra places weren¡¯t that much difference and mom being not that great of a cook readily accepted. To her credit she helped where she could, but it wasn¡¯t much, that woman could burn water! However, she could also turn a dollar into a thousand by snapping her fingers, so I guess her strengths lay elsewhere.


    After dinner that night, Luca and I were going up to his room to finish some homework before bed. We had almost made it to the stairs when Luke called out from down the hall.


    ¡°Boys, my office!¡±


    Both of us knew better than to ignore an instruction with that tone. Generally, we were good boys and spankings were a thing long in the past, but that tone was the one that could chill blood and wet pants at the drop of a hat. Luke was standing in front of a wall of photos when we entered and stood in front of his desk. He seemed distracted at first, but then like he had just remembered we were there; he turned his head to look back at us and pretty soon the rest of his body followed. He stood there rubbing his chin for a second as though deep in thought. Then, looking at us each in the eye, he finally said something.


    ¡°Are you happy, boys?¡± He asked.


    Luca looked at him right in the eye for a second then turned to look at me in mine. He knew exactly what his dad was asking. He took my hands into his and replied, ¡°I am daddy, I love him so much, I think I always have.¡±


    ¡°Riley?¡± Luke asked, after I didn¡¯t respond immediately. I held Luca¡¯s hands tight, and I was just kind of lost in his piercingly beautiful deep dark and loving eyes for so long, I hadn¡¯t noticed that I hadn¡¯t said anything.


    I couldn¡¯t have stopped the sappy smile that broke out on my face even if I tried, and all I managed to say was, ¡°I¡¯m so happy Luke, I¡¯ve never been so happy! I really love him.¡±


    Luke smiled and looked us over for a minute. Satisfied with whatever he found, he held his arms out, as if in silent request for us to come to him. When we got there, he pulled us together into a hug and simply said, ¡°Well alright then.¡±


    That was when we truly knew he was ok with us, and what we had told him. He only ever said that phrase when he was satisfied that all was right with the world. It was right then that we both realised that nothing had or would change in that house, or the ranch for that matter.


    After he let us go, he just turned back to his photo wall. It was a pretty impressive display, but it was a completely different style from the family pictures in the main hall. I couldn¡¯t tell you what all was there, but there were plenty of pictures of Luke and they looked like a bunch of them were from war movies. There was a big wooden case with a bunch of colourful medals in the middle of them all. But there were other photos too, some of Luke as a younger man, some of when he was a kid like us. I think there was some pretty famous people in some of them, but they were mostly just grownups in suits shaking hands, as far as I was concerned. This was the first time I¡¯d actually paid proper attention to any of those photos, and I noticed for the first time that Anakin was in most of them, especially the war ones.


    Once our families knew and we knew that we had a supportive base to work from, we thought it would be ok to come out more publicly. At first it went pretty well, but boy were we wrong in the end! But it¡¯s too hard to talk about that right now, maybe later, but not now. ¡°Okay?¡± I asked Dr Jack.


    ¡°It¡¯s fine, we¡¯ll get to that when you are ready and not before, no pressure, okay kiddo?¡± He replied, ¡°Why don¡¯t you finish up with coming out and then we¡¯ll call it a day.¡±


    It still amazes me, I told him a few minutes later. Even in this day and age, especially in small town America, there are still backwards people that have nothing better to do with their time. The ranch hands didn¡¯t care when we told them, Even the more religious ones, didn¡¯t seem that bothered, though I think both Luke and Anakin had a big part to do with that.


    Anakin Swiftwater, I explained to Dr Jack, who was looking a little confused right then, was Native American and had been the ranch hand foreman for as long as I could remember. He was a quiet, reserved and very deliberate man, who was equal parts awesome and scary. He was a giant to my small boy¡¯s eyes, though he was really only about 6¡¯4. He was solid muscle though and moved like the wind. I even saw him with his shirt off once, when I was about eleven, and he was like chiselled rock! I noticed he was also covered in some pretty nasty scars, and I made the mistake of asking him how he got them. I thought he was going to kill me right then and there, but he just took a knee in front of me, put his hand more gently than I could have ever imagined on my shoulder and said, ¡°Those stories are not for the ears of boys, even a two spirit. Maybe when you are older, we will have a sweat and I might tell you then.¡±


    ¡°Really?¡± I asked, as he stood back up to go on about his work. He stopped briefly to look back down at me.


    ¡°Probably not!¡± he replied, in his deep gravelly voice. He winked at me and chuckled wetly as he walked away. The next thing I knew he was tearing some hand a new asshole for making some mistake or another.


    Anakin said he was of the Choctaw nation and would tell us stories over the campfire at night about how his people would one day reclaim the land taken from them. I got the idea he was trying to scare us or something, but Anakin had always been completely devoted to Luke and through him, his family, so I wasn¡¯t ever sure if he would carry through with it. Having seen some of those photos, I was starting to get why the two were so close though. Regardless, he had always been good to us boys and always made us feel safe. I thought at first it was just a carryover from the way he was with Luke, but he was even the same with me.


    When we came out at school, we only lost one friend, but we gained a couple of others, and they were all supportive. The administration however, that was another matter. They weren¡¯t overtly homophobic, but school got a little harder and some of the teachers went a little crazy, with made up infractions and random detentions. A few of the parents had some problems with us as well after the news spread, but we didn¡¯t know much about that at the time.


    Some of the teachers and one of the assistant principals were on our side though, which made school mostly bearable, but we were still bullied. Anthony Jacobs and his asshole followers were the worst. Anthony was the loudest loudmouth bully at school, and our worst tormentor. He was the son of a pastor, who was also Rainwater Creek¡¯s most outspoken homophobe and thought that gave him the right to bully anyone who was different, consequently he made it a point to make our lives hell.


    Homophobic slurs were pretty common at first, so were the disgusting things they put in our lockers. Our supporters, staff and students alike did what they could to help us, but they couldn¡¯t be everywhere and there were a few fights and the occasional suspension both in and out of school. I did what I could to help with those, but like I said, I¡¯m no fighter and probably did more harm than good, consequently Luca bore the brunt of the more physical abuse. He never let the pain show though, he never gave them the satisfaction. In fact, the only time he ever showed any thought to it, was when he would occasionally break down in my arms at night. Seeing him like that was hard, but that was my strength, that was where I could be there for him, and I would never shrink from that responsibility.


    The moms and Luke got involved straight away and my mom was scary good with the legal side! Luke brought in the county sheriff¡¯s and mayor¡¯s office. Both the sheriff and the mayor were close personal and lifelong friends of Luke¡¯s and were also in some of those pictures on the office wall, now that I think about it. It took a bit of time, but eventually there were a lot of changes, mostly within the administration at the school, and it got better for a while.


    That was all I could manage that day, I had to wait for the following session for the next part. I knew what was coming and the lighter mood from earlier was gone. I knew I needed some time to prepare myself both mentally and emotionally for the sadness to come.


    The following session started just like the very first one, I just didn¡¯t know where to start. I wanted to get it out, because I hoped Dr Jack could help me get through it. I knew I would never get over it, but I hoped he could give me a few tips to make it hurt a little less and help me to function.


    The boys weren¡¯t taking my distance well, especially CJ. I¡¯d overheard the moms talking a few days earlier. Apparently, they had found him a few times in our beds in both houses on separate nights, Luca¡¯s and mine having cried himself to sleep. How he travelled alone at night like that was anyone¡¯s guess, but he was a resourceful little dude and a thinker like his dad. Mikey was older, but wasn¡¯t taking it well either, I knew I had to get better, for them if nothing else. If I was to be the only big brother they had left, I needed to be a good one. Finally, I decided that I couldn¡¯t hold it in any longer. My voice was quiet and cracked a bit as I began.


    The night Luca died; my whole world fell apart. It had been months since anything really bad had happened and we thought it was getting safer. It was my birthday weekend, and we were now both thirteen. Finally, we were teenagers and we felt like we had taken our first step into a whole new world. The fair was in town, so to celebrate our anniversary, Luca took me out on a date. He was such a gentleman, and it really was so sweet. He held the back door of the truck open for me and then held my hand as we sat in the back seat on the way into town. He was doing his absolute best to be romantic, but he was never really good at that kind of thing. He did try though; he had planned it all out, he was even wearing his best black cowboy hat and that red shirt I loved so much. Romance was kind of more my thing than his, but he knew I liked it, so he did his best and I loved him so much for trying.


    At first everything was awesome; we had dinner at Mamacita¡¯s then went to the county fair. We messed around with friends and ate a bunch of junk food. That was something which neither of us did very often, but like I said, it was a special occasion. Then with our tummies full of amazing Mexican food, fairground corndogs, candy floss, and overpriced soda, we went on a bunch of rides. I¡¯m surprised we didn¡¯t blow chunks all over, but it sure was fun!


    Afterwards he spent a ton of money at one of those shooting game stalls just to win me a teddy bear. He was normally a really good shot, almost as good as me even, but he was nervous and apparently was going for something very specific. The bear in question was a big one with soft white fur, brown eyes just like his and a big brown bow tied around its neck, and when he handed it to me, I fell in love with it immediately! We were both getting tired by then though, it had already been a long day, so we went and sat down by the stage and listened to the music for a while.


    What happened next was totally my fault. I was so excited to finally be on a real date with the boy I loved. While the sweet sounds of some soft country played, my hand found his and our fingers intertwined. A few minutes later, after we turned to look each other in the eyes, he smiled sweetly at me, so I leaned in and kissed him. It really was a beautiful moment. We were both country boys at heart so of course we were wearing cowboy hats that night. But, just before our lips met, like magic our hats met first and gently pushed each other back on our heads like it was meant to be. The kiss was long and full of the love we had for each other. Afterwards, neither of us really thought too much about it. It was noticed though, and from then on wherever we went that night, we were followed.


    They waited until we were alone in a quieter part of the fairgrounds, before they ambushed us. They pushed us around for a few minutes until Luca had finally had enough, and lashed out like a mad man with all of his years of football and martial arts training. With the first few swings, he dropped two of them, before they even knew what happened. This gave us an opening, and he screamed at me to run. I didn¡¯t want to, I didn¡¯t want to leave him, I wanted to stay and help! But he was so adamant, I could almost hear his father in his voice, and I ran. He was still fighting as I left him behind, trying with everything he had to keep them distracted so I could get away. For a minute he looked like he might be winning, but there was still so many of them.


    I will never forget the look on his face right at that moment, the moment I hesitated, the moment I stopped and turned back to see if he was following me, and I saw the question of why in his eyes. The moment I saw Anthony Jacobs, lunge towards the boy I loved. The moment I saw that dickwad¡¯s arm punch a couple of times and then the moment I saw him jump back away from a solid swing. The moment I saw the knife in Luca¡¯s chest, a wet looking stain growing bigger and bigger around it, and the other holes in my perfect boy. The moment the looks of surprise and disbelief on Luca¡¯s face were permanently etched into my brain. The moment I watched Luca fall. The moment my boyfriend, the boy I loved with all my heart died because of me!


    ***


    Pain shoots through me and I jump sky high, but I¡¯m still on the ground for some reason. I guess I was wrong, I do kind of see some lights, not very white though, more a dim sort of flashy red. I take a tentative breath, the last time I did that it really hurt, though I can¡¯t quite remember why, so I wanted to test the waters some this time. In doing so I notice how easy it is, almost mechanical, almost like it¡¯s being done for me or something, the air tastes weird though. Then I notice my mouth is full, but it isn¡¯t just in my mouth, and I start to get some sexy flashbacks. It immediately occurs to me though, that my boy isn¡¯t that big and for a second I feel like I¡¯m choking. I also suddenly realise that I can¡¯t move and therefore can¡¯t actually do anything about it anyway, so I give up and go back to sleep instead.


    I must be still asleep, I think I¡¯m dreaming, it seems so real though. There¡¯s so much noise, screaming siren type noises and lights. lots of bright lights now. I¡¯m cold too, it feels like I¡¯m naked, but I¡¯m strapped into something and can¡¯t move, and my chest feels heavy and restrained somehow and it hurts in a bunch of separate places now. I decide I don¡¯t care, because I really don¡¯t want to move anyway, it hurts when I do, so I try to stay still.


    There are voices now as well, I¡¯d heard them before, screaming and yelling and almost threatening, before I started moving. Now they¡¯re just whispering, and they sound mostly sad, but I can¡¯t make any of it out. There is another voice there and its harsh and I recognise it, but can¡¯t place it, it makes me feel safe though. The harsh voice makes me feel safe and the little voice makes me feel loved, how weird is that? What¡¯s that beeping sound, I wonder as I drift off again, never mind it¡¯s only one note now, and it¡¯s getting fainter, I can handle that.


    The lights are back, but they¡¯re different, muted. My mouth feels empty now, but it¡¯s so dry, it¡¯s never felt so dry before. I think I¡¯m lying down, but I could be floating for all I know. I¡¯m not cold anymore though, which is a bit of a plus, but I don¡¯t feel like I¡¯m quite all there either. It¡¯s time to reflect, that¡¯s what my daddy always says. ¡°If you¡¯re ever confused, stop, take a breath, reflect and re-evaluate.¡± He would say. So that is what I do. I take another breath and my throat hurts, but except for a slight dull ache, my chest doesn¡¯t. Okay maybe it does a little, but nowhere near as bad as it did the last time I checked. That has got to be a tick in the win column. For the first time in a long time, my body actually feels sort of okay, and I struggle to remember the last time I felt this good. Or why it didn¡¯t.


    Okay awesome, what¡¯s next, what can we hear? There is no loud monotone beeping anymore, don¡¯t know when that went away and don¡¯t really care either. What else? I can hear voices, but they¡¯re muffled, like they¡¯re in another room or something. That¡¯s fine, probably none of my business anyway. I¡¯m pretty sure one of the voices is that small one that makes me feel loved though, so that makes me feel good for a whole other reason, this also goes in the win column. Sometimes the voices are small and medium and are real familiar, the harsh one is there too. I try to talk to them, but nothing works, which kind of makes me sad, but they don¡¯t go anywhere so it must be ok, I think. The other voices sound tinny and electronic, which is kind of weird, but doesn¡¯t feel immediately relevant.


    After a while, the first two voices stop or go away, and I feel a little lost without them. Then the small whispering voices starts again, its closer now and I want to reach out to it so bad, but I can¡¯t make my body work and it goes away again. No matter how much I try to stop it, I think I drift in and out again for a time. I have no idea how long this lasts, but after a while, I¡¯m able to concentrate on my thoughts again. Later on, I hear some snoring coming from nearby, it sounds small and super cute. Hmmm, not sure what that means, I¡¯ll have to bank that away for later.


    Okay, what can I see, that¡¯s got to be the next priority, right? I move my eyes around and they feel like they¡¯re stuck in place and as my lids crack open, they feel like sandpaper rubbing against my eyeballs and everything is really blurry. That particular sensation doesn¡¯t last long though because I¡¯m instantly blinded, even when just cracking them slightly and slam them back shut again. One thing is for sure though, wherever I¡¯m at is a weird off yellowy white light colour. I get a little dizzy and nauseous when I try to open them again too fast a little bit later, and a much stronger white light blinds me all over again. After a super long time and about a million blinks my eyes begin to slowly cooperate, and the room finally starts to come into focus.


    The first thing I see clearly is an enormous white tabby bear with brown eyes and a big brown bow tied around his neck propped up against the foot of what I now know is a bed that I¡¯m in. For some reason, the bear looks familiar, but I can¡¯t think why right now. Just beyond him though, I can¡¯t quite believe my eyes and blink them a few more times just to make sure. Eventually I also have to wipe some crud from them as well, before I am sure, but right there in a chair by the window sits the most beautiful boy I¡¯ve ever seen.


    I know him so well, even if I closed my eyes, I could describe him in perfect detail, right down to all the little freckles he had in certain places. He''s kind of small, in a way that the word slim doesn¡¯t quite cover, and not very athletic. But to me he looks perfect, with his pale skin and golden blond hair. His eyes are closed right now, but I know they hold the most beautiful blue eyes I have ever seen. He is the source of that light snoring and now that I know where it¡¯s coming from, it¡¯s even cuter than I thought! This can¡¯t be hell, I think to myself, something that perfect can¡¯t exist in hell.


    I can¡¯t take my eyes off him; I don¡¯t know how long I¡¯ve been staring at him, but he barely moves. For some reason, his breathing seems more peaceful than it did a few minutes ago, more calm and that calms me as well. So much so, I¡¯m almost falling back to sleep when a nurse walks in pushing a small trolley. Ah, hospital I guess, that makes some sense. Probably why I have tubes and wires coming out of me as well. She looks at me and her eyes widen in surprise. She¡¯s about to say something, when I slowly raise my finger to my lips and shush her, while pointing towards the boy in the chair with my other hand.


    ¡°Let him sleep¡± I say and am instantly shocked that my voice is super quiet and raspy as all hell, like it¡¯s been forever since I used it last. She looks over at him then back at me and nods with a sweet smile. Pushing her cart next to the bed, she reaches over to the side table and gets me a glass of water with ice chips and a straw to sooth my mouth and throat. ¡®Thanks¡±, I say to her, ¡°How long have I been here?¡±


    ¡°About three weeks¡± she whispers back, as she goes about her work taking measurements and bloods and pressures and whatever. ¡°That¡¯s a good friend you have there, except for once when his daddy carried him out while he was asleep and he came back on his own a few hours later, he hasn¡¯t left your side the entire time you¡¯ve been here. Even when we threatened to kick him out, he stood his ground, he said he¡¯d break his own arm or leg, or chain himself to the bed if he had to, just to stay with you.¡± That made me smile at first, but then also sad that he would actually hurt himself, but I could totally see him going through with that threat.


    ¡°He¡¯s my best friend¡±, I reply, my voice feeling a lot stronger now that the water has soothed it. ¡°My boyfriend.¡±


    ¡°That¡¯s sweet,¡± she said, as she went about her business.


    ¡°Luca?¡±

 A reunion and what came after

    Chapter 2


    A reunion and what came after


    It was soft and I barely heard it at first. I¡¯d been distracted by the nurse stabbing a lamppost into my arm to draw some blood and had taken my eyes off him for a second, so I hadn¡¯t seen him wake up. I heard it the second time though, I think the whole floor heard it. ¡°LUCA!¡±


    He was off the chair and in my arms before I knew what happened. The nurse was amazing though, as they very often are. When he jumped on me, she managed to pull the needle out in time to avoid damaging me any further. Probably used to this kind of thing, I guess. In his excitement though, I think he had maybe forgotten I was injured. However, the pretty instant and loud pained ¡°Oomph!¡± that escaped my lips, was a pretty stark reminder, quickly pulling him back to reality. In less than a heartbeat he¡¯d lifted himself off me, like he was doing a push up, then he slithered his small body around to lay beside me, his arm coming to rest gently across my tummy.


    ¡°Sorry.¡± He whispered, with concern.


    He was looking deep into my eyes, and I couldn¡¯t help but look straight back into his. Those stunningly beautiful blue eyes I know so well, the ones I told you about earlier. They were like one of those crystal clear blue water pictures you see in beach travel adds. For a second I fell into them and just like I had done a million times before, I felt like I could swim in those eyes forever knowing all was right with the world. My stay this time around was going to be cut short though, because there was a very real and dark storm on the horizon, and it was coming fast.


    I could see his love for me, that was always there, sure. But, I could also see tension and fear, and a boat load of worry. Three weeks she¡¯d said, had I really been here for almost a month? It feels like it¡¯s only been a few seconds, but if it¡¯s actually been weeks and Riley was here the whole time? He was a very sensitive and pretty emotional boy at the best of times. The strain of these past weeks must have been torture for him. God only knows how my boy managed those feelings for so long. I didn¡¯t have to wonder for very long when that particular storm was going to break though.


    ¡°Oh my god, Luca I thought I lost you, you DIED! ¡­ Three ti¡­times!¡± he had already started sucking on his bottom lip by then and the tears were building thick and fast in those beautiful eyes. I knew he couldn¡¯t stop them now even if he wanted to and when they finally let go he wailed out. ¡°I¡¯m sooo sssss sooooorrrryyy, it¡¯s all my fault!¡±


    I wrapped my arms around him as best I could in the tight confines of the hospital bed and pulled him into me in as tight of a hug as I could manage. My very thin hospital gown was going to be pretty soaked through by the time he was done, I knew that from past experience, but I felt like he needed to cry it out. He cried a lot, probably enough for the both of us that¡¯s true, but like I said, he was sensitive, and I didn¡¯t think any less of him for it. He was so strong in so many other ways, so much stronger than so many other people I know, so what if he cried? While holding him, I rubbed his back up and down, all the while trying not to rip out any of my IV lines or anything. I figured I would get to that fault business in a few minutes, I was hoping we could be alone for that.


    ¡°It¡¯s ok baby, I¡¯m here now.¡± I said as soothingly as I could with my still hoarse throat, all the while trying my best to keep the volume to a whisper in his ear. ¡°I¡¯m here Riley, I¡¯m here.¡±


    The nurse finished up a few minutes later and after scribbling down a few things on a chart, she patted me on the knee and left. I swear I thought I saw her wipe a tear from her eye as the door closed behind her. Not trying to be rude, but I could only care about my boy right now. He was hurting, but he was right where he needed to be, right where I needed him to be, safe in my arms.


    ¡°What¡¯s this crap about it being your fault?¡± I demanded, as soon as she left.


    ¡°I kissed you and everyone saw, and they hurt you because of me!¡± Tears were spilling out of his eyes again and I used a piece of my gown to wipe them away. ¡°If I¡¯d just kept my hands to myself, if I¡¯d kept control of myself, none of this would have happened!¡±


    ¡°Riley, look at me please.¡± I said sternly, taking his face in my hands to make sure we maintained eye contact. ¡°It was our first real date, and we were having a great time, the music and that perfect moment and everything in between, if you hadn¡¯t kissed me, then I swear I would¡¯ve kissed you. This was not your fault!¡±


    I let that sink in for a moment then I pulled him back against me and just held my boy. I don¡¯t know if that was what he wanted to hear, but I felt strongly like he needed to hear it. I could feel his body shudder with the occasional sob every now and again as the tension left him, but neither of us said anything. I don¡¯t know how long we stayed like that, ten minutes, twenty, an hour, I really don¡¯t know, and I don¡¯t actually care. I just know it felt real good and I never wanted to let him go. But, as much as I didn¡¯t want to right then, I also knew I had to, for a little while at least. I suddenly had so many questions and they all needed answers.


    I Released my grip and edged myself back a bit so I could see his face clearly. His eyes were red and puffy, his cheeks were stained, and his nose was leaking snot, but he was beautiful! I know you¡¯re not supposed to use that word for boys, but I don¡¯t care, to me that was the only word that ever sounded right for him. He was a total mess, but I just couldn¡¯t help but think how beautiful he was in spite of how he looked right then, and I smiled.


    ¡°What?¡± He said, after a few minutes of my staring. ¡°You¡¯re looking at me funny!¡±


    ¡°Just loving you is all.¡± I replied and I took a second to really see him properly for the first time since I woke up.


    He was maybe a little slimmer than usual, and still not very tall, but I knew how ripped he was under all those clothes, he was all muscle from his skating. I knew every ridge and contour on him, like he knew every one of mine. Don¡¯t let him fool you, he was an artist on his board!. He was wearing pretty much his normal clothes, an unzipped hoodie over an unbuttoned checkered shirt, over a t-shirt and jeans, with white socks on his cute little feet. His tan hat was resting on the corner of the chair. I¡¯d seen him dressed like that so many times it was almost like his second skin and by the smell of it, this particular outfit was coming dangerously close to becoming just that! But even that didn¡¯t take away from his beauty, or the love I felt for him.


    ¡°Riley?¡± I asked, grabbing a fistful of the sheet corner this time, feeling I needed something bigger, and started to clean his face as best I could. ¡°I know it¡¯s probably gonna be hard Babe, but I need to know a few things, I need you to rip the band-aid off for me, okay?¡±


    ¡°Okay.¡± He said, before sucking in his bottom lip again. He always did that when he was nervous, or to give himself time to think, to get his thoughts in order.


    ¡°How did I get here, can you tell me what happened please?¡±


    It took him a minute to respond, like he was still trying to sort it all out in his head. I put my hand out upside down on the bed and after a second, his palm met mine and our fingers intertwined. With a sense of new found strength he eventually whispered, ¡°That dickwad stabbed you and you died.¡±


    That part I knew, I could still feel the surprise from when it happened, and the pain. I can still feel the knife as it forced its way into my body. It was like the feeling of an ice cold sliver slide straight through me. I don¡¯t think I¡¯ll ever forget that sensation as long as I live. Closing my eyes to try and block that particular memory out was a mistake, I very quickly realised, because I just saw it clearer and tensed up as the feeling washed over me all over again. At that very moment, I was pretty sure I was going to have some pretty realistic and scary dreams about it for a while, but I couldn¡¯t think about that. Not yet anyway, that was tomorrow¡¯s problem.


    ¡°That part I know babe,¡± I softly sighed out a second later, after I¡¯d gotten myself under control. The smile I tried to give him, the one that said everything was all right, probably wasn¡¯t that convincing but I did try. ¡°What happened after, how did I get here?¡±


    ¡°Oh, um, that, ah, yeah¡± he replied. ¡°When I saw you fall, I kinda screamed a little bit. I tried to run back to you, to help you, but I couldn¡¯t make my legs move, you know? I just fell to my knees and screamed. I wanted to help you so bad, but I didn¡¯t know what to do, I didn¡¯t have to think about it for long though.¡±


    ¡°What do you mean?¡± As soon as I uttered this question, I watched something dark fall across his face like a veil.


    ¡°Just after I went down someone picked me up and carried me back to the crowd. They even dumped me on the ground near you.¡± I could see the anguish and the frustration he must have felt in his eyes, while it all unravelled in his mind like a bad movie. ¡°You looked so bad, and I was so scared, there was so much blood everywhere and the knife, fuck Luca it was right there sticking out of you! I tried to get to you, to hold you but you were always just out of reach and every time I tried, someone would pull or push me back.¡±


    I lifted my free hand to caress his face gently and brush a few stray strands of the very blond hair out of his eyes. It just seemed like the right thing to do at the time. He must have thought so to, because he took hold of my hand after only a few passes and dragged it down to his lips. Kissing my fingers softly, he then gently rubbed them against his cheek. My heart was breaking, I felt so bad asking him to relive it all but the more he told me, the more I needed to know.


    ¡°I was being yanked around by someone pretty hard by then, like I was a ragdoll at show and tell or something, and I couldn¡¯t get my legs under me, and you were always so close and always just out of reach!¡± the words were coming thick and fast now, but he stopped to take another breath. ¡°You started coughing then and I could see you spit blood and I tried to get to you again, I lunged for you, but someone kicked me back and I went flying into someone else, who held me there. All I could do was stand there and¡­ and watch you die.¡±


    The thought of someone hurting my boy made me angry, but this was getting weird. I mean, If I¡¯m honest, most boys are bigger than Riley, but the things he was telling me wasn¡¯t meshing with what I remembered. He couldn¡¯t fight for shit, but he was super strong and even though he was small, he was usually strong enough or slippery enough to get himself away from people. ¡°I don¡¯t understand Babe, who was holding you back?¡±


    ¡°I don¡¯t know who it was, but he was big. The crowd had grown by then, it wasn¡¯t just the guys who started it anymore, there were adults now too. Parents I guess.¡± Riley¡¯s face tightened in a grimace right then and I knew I wasn¡¯t going to like what came next. ¡°They were all drunk and laughing and throwing empty beer bottles and cans at us and calling us some pretty bad things. Anthony¡¯s dad was the worst though, he was preaching again, and he kicked you each time you stopped moving to see if you were still alive and kept calling us disgusting faggots and yelling that we had to die.¡±


    Anthony¡¯s father, Caine Jacobs, we all knew. He was a local preacher and was, according to Riley, right in the middle of another one of his grand sermons about the sins of homosexuality, he¡¯d been doing that a lot lately. Apparently, he was holding up his bible and shouting out that this was god¡¯s work, or some shit. He was really getting into it and getting the crowd worked up at the same time. Riley then said something that chilled me to my very core. He said that right in front of him right then a couple of the more enthusiastic adults were tying a pair of nooses. Apparently they were planning to lynch the gay boys!


    ¡°I don¡¯t know if they would¡¯ve actually hung us, but it totally looked like they were going to and I got really scared.¡± I could see that fear in his eyes, and I felt him tense up through his hand, which was still firmly in mine. I hated the fact that he¡¯d had to go through this alone, but as it happened, whether they would have hung us or not, he never actually got the chance to find out. ¡°I guess everything I was feeling right then just came out and I screamed again, it must have been pretty loud though this time I guess.¡±


    ¡°Why, what happened this time?¡± I prodded, the look on his face had taken a weird turn and I wasn¡¯t sure what was going to come next.


    ¡°Anakin happened!¡± He said, like it was a given or something. ¡°Fuck Luca, that guy is terrifying! I¡¯m so glad he¡¯s our friend!¡±


    What Riley went on to tell me was equal parts unreal and totally believable. I¡¯d known Anakin my whole life. I had seen him angry many times, so I had a pretty good idea what lived just under the surface. He¡¯d never gotten angry with any of us boys though, and that included Riley. Sure, he would give us a stern look or word, or a clip around the ear occasionally, if we were being dumb or naughty, but he never got angry with us. Growing up with him around, it felt like we had two dads, because I truly believed that he loved us, in his own way. Okay, maybe just one dad and a really close uncle or something like that. Wranglers and equipment were a different story though, he was well feared on the ranch and for good reason! To be fair though, if they needed it he was always at their back too. He was like a stalking wolf, and we were his pack.


    I knew Anakin had been listening to the band as well, he was sitting along with Daddy and the moms, the boys and a bunch of the wranglers were also hanging around. We were probably some of the last of the family to get to the stage and I had seen him not far from where we were before we sat down. I know he saw us, because he nodded our way and I¡¯m pretty damn sure he must have seen us kissing too. We got up not too long afterwards to go the bathroom and I know he saw us leaving, because he winked at me, and I remember blushing. When he didn¡¯t see us come back though, he told Riley later that he felt a darkness come over him and he became worried for us, so got up to go look for us.


    The crowd around us had grown pretty quickly by then, apparently, so he probably found that pretty fast and headed that way. As he got closer he must have seen the bible above the crowd and heard the crap that was being said. This made him real angry he said, but he still didn¡¯t really know what was going on. He was about to call Daddy for some back up when he heard Riley¡¯s scream, and that was all it took. It was like a switch flipped in his head and all the years of instinct and training kicked in and the deadly came out.


    According to Riley, Anakin was at full speed when he crashed into and through the crowd. He was like a bowling ball on a strike, and no one saw him coming until it was far too late. Except for Anthony it was all adults now, the other boys having been pushed to the sides as mere spectators. Evidently, this was supposed to be a bonding moment between father and son. Riley¡¯s retelling was pretty sketchy on clear details from then on, but from his description, all I could think of was one of those cartoon cloud fights, all dust arms and legs everywhere. He was a little clearer about what happened after though. He said that when that dust settled, Anakin was standing in the middle of the yard and the crowd had either scattered or was just lying on the ground around him not moving, including Caine Jacobs. Anthony was apparently on his knees crying over his daddy.


    ¡°It was so scary Luca, it looked like everyone was dead! But, if Anakin hadn¡¯t come, I don¡¯t know what would¡¯ve happened!¡± Riley said, and I watched an involuntary shudder ripple through his slight frame at the chilling memory. ¡°I mean, I¡¯m glad he did, but I actually don¡¯t know what was scarier, he was like nothing I¡¯ve ever seen. It was so surreal, like a video game or something. Every time he punched kicked or hit something, it connected, and I swear I heard bones breaking. He must have gotten hit too, I mean it was like him versus everyone, but I swear I never saw it, not once!¡±


    The story has been stolen; if detected on Amazon, report the violation.


    I could see that telling his story was really getting to him now, and I didn¡¯t know if I should push for any more that night. I tried to cuddle him close and just hold him for a minute, but he was determined by then. He was so damn stubborn sometimes, once he set his mind to something, it was join in or get the hell out of way. I loved him for it, but Jesus it got us into so much trouble sometimes!


    ¡°It was over so fast, one minute we were surrounded, the next we weren¡¯t,¡± He continued. Riley said that once he was let go, that he¡¯d crawled over to me and tried to do what he could. He¡¯d pulled his sweater off to make a donut to go around the knife like we learned in first aid, tore his checkered shirt up to make bandages to hold it in place, all the while crying over what he thought was my dead body. I guess he figured that he had to do something, that he still had to try and I¡¯m glad he did.


    That was when Anakin joined him, and his years of ranch and tribal medicine and a hefty amount of corpsman training was able to stabilise me. I had no idea that he had that, but thinking back on it, I guess I¡¯m not too surprised either. He¡¯d played doctor for enough cattle, horses, wranglers and us over the years. Apparently he found a pulse, though it was really weak and once I was sort of breathing properly again, Anakin called an ambulance. Then, he called Daddy and according to Riley the shit really hit the fan!


    ¡°Je-sus!¡± I whistled. I could only begin to imagine how Daddy would react, but I wasn¡¯t far off!


    He didn¡¯t actually know what Anakin told Daddy, but apparently him and a bunch of the hands arrived not long after the call, and they were fully armed, running like the wind and out for blood. Where the guns came from he never found out, I mean when we were out on the ranges we all carried rifles for protection and some of the wranglers even had pistols as well, but we¡¯d never seen them carry them in town. Maybe they never had to, maybe we just never saw them, I guess they were always there though, right? Thanks to Anakin there wasn¡¯t much fight left for them though, and I was kind of glad about that. I don¡¯t know if I would be okay knowing a bunch of people got shot because of me, even if they were assholes.


    The way Riley described it, Daddy took the whole scene in, with just a glance, and then headed straight for me. He checked me over real quick and then looked straight at Anakin, who just nodded at him. A med kit appeared from somewhere and I had fluids going back into me and my pulse was getting stronger. I guess this satisfied him for the moment, because he then took charge and went about shouting orders. He had the wranglers photograph every detail with their phones, especially the nooses. He then had them drag everyone still there into one place to check them over and then tie them up. Even the deputies who showed up afterwards took their orders directly from Daddy. Had they not showed up when they did though, there¡¯s no telling how far he would have taken it. According to Riley, he¡¯d never seen Daddy so intense, so angry, when he barked that night, everyone jumped.


    He said that Daddy stood over me the whole time, until the ambulance arrived. Only Riley and Anakin were allowed to even get close to me until then. That must have been the shouting voice I heard, that one that made me feel safe. Apparently, I died the first time just after the ambulance got there, and they had to shock me back before I could be loaded into it. He said the ambulance crew told them only one person could come with me, but both Daddy and Riley stood firm, neither were ready to let me out of their sight. I guess they couldn¡¯t afford to waste any time, so they allowed both to climb in with me, and I was quickly taken to the hospital. I died again in the back of the ambulance on the way there, apparently. Riley wasn¡¯t that sure what happened at the fair after we left, so I guess I would have to find that out later.


    ¡°It¡¯s been almost a month Luca, I thought you weren¡¯t ever going to wake up,¡± he told me, a minute or two later, after he had collected a few thoughts. I could tell he was getting calmer now, and hopefully that meant the worst was behind us. ¡°They kept you asleep for two weeks, because of your lung, but when they took the machines away you stayed asleep, and everyone was really worried, and I didn¡¯t know what to do! I couldn¡¯t lose you again!¡±


    He paused again to look into my eyes, and I could see tears once again form in his, but he took a couple of deep breaths and forged on. ¡°I was really, really scared, they tried to take me away from you, but I wouldn¡¯t let them.¡±


    ¡°You¡¯ve really been here this whole time?¡± I asked him. Impressed with his love and loyalty.


    ¡°Uh huh.¡± He nodded. ¡°I¡¯d never forgive myself if I left and¡­ you know? Something happened.¡±


    My heart swelled with equal parts love and sadness right then. People are always saying kids don¡¯t know what real love is, but we do, we might not be able to articulate it, but we know it. Right then, I could feel just how much my boy loved me and I couldn¡¯t help but feel the same way. For the first time since waking up I leaned in and pressed my dry and slightly cracked lips, to his super soft and supple ones. His eyes closed a half second before mine, but we didn¡¯t need to see each other for this part. I knew every contour ridge and crease of those lips and knew just the right place to push my tongue against to make them open, so it could worm it¡¯s way in and tickle the tip of his.


    Later on, after we came up for air the second time and just before I fell asleep again, Riley facetimed home to tell them I was awake. Everyone was so happy to see me. I could see the relief plain as day on the faces of Daddy and the moms, and I guess even after everything Riley had just told me, the seriousness of my condition finally and fully hit me right then. That my family was so scared, that my boy had felt like he had, had held vigil like this, maybe I was worse off than I thought, and I almost started to cry myself, but I managed to hold it in check.


    I couldn¡¯t help but laugh at my little brothers though, when they appeared on screen a few minutes later, they were so excited to see me finally awake. Daddy had gone to wake them up when Riley called, and I was glad that he had. It felt good to laugh after the night we¡¯d just had. They begged to come to the hospital right then and there, but he told them to look at how tired I was and then said he would bring them to see me first thing in the morning. He told me he loved me, then said goodnight. The last thing I heard from him, he was chasing the boys back to bed. The moms stayed with us a bit longer, but as much as I wanted to see them too, I don¡¯t remember much of what they said, by then I was drifting back to sleep.


    ***


    I was waiting for him in one of those inside outside exercise yards. It had walls on three sides and a fence on the short end with a guard tower on top. Not the most convenient of meeting places, but it was private especially once the cameras went off, and it suited my purposes perfectly. Normally Anakin did this kind of thing, which was his choice. He said that he was the expendable one, and I needed to keep my hands clean of whatever it was for the ranch and for the family. Not this time though, this time I needed to do it myself. It was too personal, and I needed the righteous closure this would bring. Besides, Anakin was never expendable, no matter how he thought about himself, not to me and not to my family. He was family dammit! I always hated and regretted the risks he took on our behalf, no matter how much I understood the necessity.


    The gate opened and there he was, in his orange jumpsuit. Though he wasn¡¯t in chains, he was still shuffling along like he was. I had no idea if that was psychological or a left over from what Anakin did to him. As I thought about it though, I realised that I didn¡¯t care. I also realised he was just as pathetic now as he was back in high school. Caine Jacobs wasn¡¯t a popular kid back then with few friends, but as the son of a preacher he had always been a loudmouth bigot and a bully. Back then I pitied him, but not anymore. After what he tried to do to my boys, he was dead to me and the world, he just hadn¡¯t stopped breathing yet.


    Truth be told, personality wise, he really hadn¡¯t changed that much over the years. He was still the same sanctimonious prick he was back then. I know as a kid he was beaten down pretty thoroughly by his even bigger prick of a father. Caine¡¯s father had also been a pastor in town and was very much the fire and brimstone, screaming hellfire from the pulpit type. Unfortunately for Caine, his father saw the devil in everything and everyone, particularly his own son. The emotional, psychological and physical abuse he suffered from his father must have been terrible, and there was definitely something different about him now so many years later, something a little broken maybe? I wasn¡¯t at all surprised that he had followed in his father¡¯s footsteps though, taking up the mantle of the town¡¯s saviour. That kind of indoctrination was very generational. I can only hope there was a chance for his kid, I was going to deal with Anthony later, but in a very different way.


    I wasn¡¯t around much back when Caine was coming up as a preacher, but by all accounts, he was a very ambitious man in his early years. It seemed he was desperate to get out from under his daddy¡¯s shadow and make a name for himself. Not long after he had taken over from his father, he had tried to get all the bars shut down in the county. I was deployed by then, so only heard about it second-hand, but I wouldn¡¯t have given his efforts much credit anyway, even if I had been home. He had a few petitions going though, even had most of his congregation behind him. But the years had not been kind to his flock. It was the twenty first century by then, and even the more religious members of Rainwater Creek, were coming around to the modern day.


    As far as I am aware to this day, you can still buy a beer in most places in Archer County. This and several other similar failures just seemed to spur on Pastor Jacobs though. As he saw it, this was further evidence of the unravelling of good God fearing Christian society. He lost even more ground a few years later when he started protesting in front of rodeo arenas and concerts, claiming they were the gateway to sin and the path of the devil or some such shit. His church and most of his message was not popular in a rapidly more moderate and modern northern Texas. I guess this forced him further and further into the more fundamental and fringe elements of his faith.


    Knowing all this and caring about it though, are two very different things. Even a child knows right from wrong, and he was an adult. What he did, what he encouraged other supposed rational adults to do was most definitely wrong! I was going to make sure he understood every inch of just how wrong he was. If he had been successful that night, if he had killed the boys, we wouldn¡¯t even be having this conversation right now. I would have just tied him to my horse and dragged his sorry ass right into the centre of Red Rock and left him for the buzzards. As it was, Anakin saved our boys that night and Luca was finally awake.


    Mikey and CJ were waiting outside in the truck to go see Luca for the first time since he woke up. For what I was about to do though, I had to push thoughts of the little ones aside, I couldn¡¯t have their sweet faces associated with this human garbage in my mind. It was bad enough that I had to concentrate on my eldest Luca and Riley, but they needed this as much as I did, not that I would ever tell them. Someone once said that a secret is like a callus on the heart, but when you¡¯ve seen and done the things I have, you understand that some secrets need to be and will be taken to the grave.


    He wasn¡¯t looking directly at me at first, shuffling towards me as he was. This was his exercise time after all and to him, I was an unexpected visitor. He had been lucky so far to have been kept in isolation since his arraignment, but that changed today and I didn¡¯t even need to call in that big of a favour to make it happen.


    Breaking the silence, I slid my hat back and took my sunglasses off as he approached, I said to him. ¡°You went too far this time Caine.¡±


    He must have recognised my voice, because he immediately stopped, looked up at me and the blood drained from his face. I can only imagine all the things that were going through his mind right then. To be honest, I probably wasn¡¯t helping, dressed as I was, head to toe all in black. I must have been quite the sight.


    ¡°You! You¡¯re not supposed to be in here!¡± He stammered.


    ¡°I am though, so what does that tell you.¡± I replied.


    I was leaning up against and about halfway down the far wall. Other than the hat and glasses, I hadn¡¯t made a move since he¡¯d come in, and I hadn¡¯t moved at all since we locked eyes on each other. I guess that instilled a sense of confidence in the man. He looked me up and down a few times, as he contemplated what he was going to say. Given the situation he was in, if I¡¯d had a million years, I doubt I ever would have thought I would hear what came out of his mouth next. Looking back on it though, I probably shouldn¡¯t have been surprised.


    ¡°Are you here to offer my release?¡± He asked. ¡°To beg God¡¯s forgiveness for putting me in here in the first place, when all I was doing was His work?¡±


    ¡°And what work would that be?¡± I inquired, the scorn absolutely impossible to disguise in my voice.


    ¡°Excising a cancer of course, the disease that is breaking apart the moral fibre of society today, such perversions and filth must not be tolerated!¡± He intoned so matter-of-factly, and right then I was actually struck dumb, I truly had no idea what to say to this rubbish. Unfortunately, while I continued to keep quiet, he started to gather some steam. ¡°The bible states your spawn¡¯s perversions are an abomination, and He demands my hand be his instrument in their destruction! Leviticus states quite clearly¡­.¡±


    ¡°What?¡± I finally blurted out in frustration before he could finish, purposely interrupting his flow. ¡°The bible says no such fucking thing, you sanctimonious prick!¡±


    I had heard this crap my entire life and it was exactly this very narrow-minded and hypocritical ridiculousness, which had kept my family from church for decades. If killing my boys was God¡¯s plan, then I had no use for him, nor his supposed chosen instrument. I have very personal experience that when it all comes down to it, all you have is yourself and if you are very lucky, some very good friends close by, to help you out of a jam. Praying to God does literally nothing when the metal meets the meat.


    ¡°It is His will, and I am powerless to stop the inevitable.¡± He continued. His tired rhetoric was making me sick to my stomach and my rage spiked. Before I could stop myself, I was off the wall and in his face quicker than he could blink. So fast in fact he almost fell as he scrambled backwards in fear, until I grabbed two handfuls of his collar, pulling him close and holding him in place.


    ¡°YOU TRIED TO LYNCH MY SONS, YOU FUCKING ANIMAL!¡± I spat in his face. I was losing my temper, which was something I had promised Anakin and myself that I wouldn¡¯t do. The urge to tear this pathetic excuse for a man in front of me limb from bloody limb was almost too strong, and how I managed to resist that particular urge is anyone¡¯s guess. I managed to take one or two deep calming breathes though and looked into his eyes for a second, before letting him go and flattening out the creases I had made on that collar. I don¡¯t know what I was looking for, but whatever it was, I didn¡¯t find it. Somehow, I managed to maintain that calmness I was struggling to feel and continue. ¡°What¡¯s worse, you tried to use God as an excuse for your actions, and they very much were YOUR actions, not His! Do you really think your God would approve of you killing children?¡±


    ¡°Those sodomites are an abomination against GOD, I would have been welcomed in heaven for their destruction.¡± He said, not realising the very real danger he was in right then, or maybe he did.


    I couldn¡¯t help but laugh right then, this was all far too surreal! I guess no matter where they¡¯re from, a zealot is a zealot it seems and as far as I was concerned, he had just sealed his own fate. ¡°You really think you¡¯re going to get into your heaven because of what you did, or more accurately, what you FAILED to do?¡±


    ¡°It doesn¡¯t matter right now does it?¡± He replied smugly.


    ¡°What?¡± I questioned with disbelief at his very sudden change of view.


    ¡°Sure,¡± he Replied. ¡°No God Fearing Texan would ever sentence me, not for trying to rid the world of that filth anyway!¡±


    Ah yes, there it is! I¡¯d had enough by this point, glad that he had made it so easy for me. I signalled the guard up in the tower that we were done, so that he could open the door.


    ¡°You¡¯ll never see trial you piece of shit, I¡¯ll make sure of that!¡± I said, while I waited, looking straight at him. ¡°Most of the inmates in here don¡¯t take too kindly to people who hurt kids, even gay ones. The guards don¡¯t either.¡±


    ¡°They can¡¯t get to me in this wing, I think I¡¯m safe.¡± He sneered, with a wink at me and an assurance he was starting to lose, as I kept staring him down.


    ¡°You know what Caine?¡± I asked, as I looked him up and down. ¡°Karma comes in all shapes and sizes, and I guess today, for you, it¡¯s me and I really hope you enjoy hell.¡±


    ¡°Wh¡­what are you talking about?¡± He asked, the concern finally registering in his voice.


    ¡°I¡¯ve arranged for your transfer buddy.¡± I replied, watching the realisation hit and the fear grow. ¡°You¡¯ll be in gen-pop before I¡¯ve even driven out of the gates, and I¡¯ve made sure that EVERYONE in there knows what you did.¡±


    ¡°You¡­ You can¡¯t do that, you don¡¯t have the pull, or the balls!¡± He spat at me, but the conviction had left his eyes faster than the piss down his leg.


    ¡°Tsk Tsk Tsk, now Caine, look what you¡¯ve gone and done. Looks like you¡¯re gonna need a nice long shower after that and all this exercise of course.¡± I chuckled, waving my arm around the small yard, before narrowing in on his eyes for the last time. ¡°This isn¡¯t gonna be quick motherfucker!¡±


    My face must have shown just how deadly serious I was. I could see it now, the look of a cornered animal was very clear on his, and as far as I was concerned that was all he was, an animal. I realised then that I truly had no pity for him anymore, or mercy, he simply did not deserve it. If he was released, he would just do the same thing again and he might even get lucky next time and succeed. I also knew It was time to leave, so I rearranged the hat on the top of my head and slid my sunglasses back on. I had one more thing to say though.


    ¡°You have no idea the pull I have Caine, never did and my balls have always been bigger than yours, it was true in those high school showers back in the day when everyone but me laughed at you and it¡¯s true now.¡± I gave him a second to let that last bite sink in, before I left him with my final words on the matter. ¡°You¡¯re gonna wish I hung you that night, you son of a bitch! And so are the rest of those assholes, but at least they¡¯ll live through it.¡±


    I purposefully didn¡¯t mention his kid on the way out, I didn¡¯t look back either, I just left him standing there in a pool of his own piss, as I walked out through the now open gate.

 Recovery and physical therapy

    Chapter 3


    Recovery and physical therapy


    The boys were all smiles, bouncing up and down with excitement on the back seat as I walked up to the truck, and I couldn¡¯t help but smile myself at their youthful exuberance. The world would rob them of that eventually, that was as inevitable as the sun rise. Luca and Riley found that out in a particularly brutal way, but I could do little about that now. Looking at my youngest right then, I was hell bent determined to shield them from that for as long as I could. They had no idea what I had just set in motion, and they never would. They were all far too young to understand the lengths it takes to keep our little world together, their time will come soon enough, I just hope it¡¯s a long way off.


    Their excitement brought me back to the here and now, as soon as I opened the driver¡¯s door of the dodge king cab. Their mood was infectious and in stark contrast to the meeting I had just had, it improved my own mood something fierce. But then, having my boys around always made me happy.


    The county jail was on the opposite side of Rainwater Creek from the Hospital and the ranch. We¡¯d had to drive through town to get there and thinking about the journey back to the hospital gave me an idea.  It had been a long drive and a longer time since breakfast, so I thought I¡¯d give the boys a treat they didn¡¯t normally get. Don¡¯t get me wrong, we ate very well at home and the boys wished for nothing snack wise, there¡¯s just something about buying junk food that¡¯s just really exciting when you¡¯re a kid.


    ¡°Hey boys, we¡¯re going to pass by Buc-ees on the way back into town, wanna get some donuts?¡± I asked as I looked back over the seat, waggling my eyes in a conspiratorial way.


    ¡°Yeah!¡± chorused the boys excitedly from the back seat.


    ¡°Well alright then.¡± I replied, turning back to the front and kicking the big ram 3500 turbo diesel into life. The radio came on and we pulled out of the jail parking lot a few minutes later, to the chorus of the cowboy in me.


    Moments later we were all singing the next verse and I stole a glance in the rear-view at my boys. If CJ was in the truck, Mikey always rode in the back seat. Not because I made him, well, when he was small I did what with the law and all. Except for CJ they were all big enough to ride in the front now. When I asked him about it once, he said he knew CJ couldn¡¯t sit up front yet and he didn¡¯t want him to be lonely in the back. They were all good boys and it tore me up that I almost lost two of them, make no mistake, Riley is just as much my boy as any of the others and when they¡¯re old enough I will move heaven itself so they can make it official in the eyes of the law. But that could also wait for now, they were alive and on the mend, that was all that mattered.


    I was standing at the sweets counter in Buc-ees about a half hour later watching the boys pick out their treats. I wasn¡¯t at all surprised when they both made sure to order Luca and Riley¡¯s favourites before they got their own. They even suggested we pick up something for Anakin, who was likely still at the hospital and the moms too. I thought that was a good idea and ordered a bunch of BBQ beef sandwiches for us all and a coffee for Anakin and myself, I got the boys some hot chocolates. Just as I was finishing up, the boys asked if they could get some candy for the ride home after they visited with their brothers and I was going to say no at first, but instantly caved. Like I said, they didn¡¯t get these trats often and they were good boys. We were on our way to the checkout, when my phone buzzed.


    ¡°Yes?¡± I answered.


    ¡°It¡¯s done Luke, I just got the word.¡±


    ¡°Thanks Chris.¡± Was all I replied, before ending the call and sliding the phone back into my pocket.


    ¡°Are you ready boys?¡± I asked with a smile. I felt like a great weight had shifted off of my shoulders and I guess it came through. The boys didn¡¯t ask who was on the phone, or what the conversation was about, they both just replied in the affirmative and just over $50 later we were headed out the door, on our way to the hospital.


    ***


    I didn¡¯t wake up again until the next morning and it took me a second to realise what the sudden pressure I was feeling was all about. As it turns out, I had the very real and urgent need to piss! I couldn¡¯t remember the last time I¡¯d felt that way. I certainly hadn¡¯t when I woke up yesterday, or last night for that matter, and my dick felt different too, maybe that was why I needed to go so bad. I can¡¯t imagine that I¡¯d been holding it for three weeks, but it sure felt like that right now. Problem was, Riley was on the bed next to me right where he¡¯d been when I fell asleep, and his body, slight as it was, was pinning the covers down. I also remembered that I had all these wires and IV¡¯s stuck in me and I started to panic, not sure what I was going to do.


    I must have been moving around too much, because it woke Riley. ¡°You okay baby?¡±


    ¡®Yeah, I really need to piss though, and I don¡¯t know how.¡±


    Even though he was still tired, Riley burst out in a fit of giggles. ¡°I know you were out of it for a bit baby, but I¡¯m sure you still remember how your dick works!¡±


    On any given day the sound of his laughter would have been the sweetest of music to my ears, and if my situation had been different, it would have been right then too. Normally, I also would¡¯ve taken his ribbing in the spirit it was meant. As it was, my bladder was on the verge of exploding and the frustration I was feeling leaked out a little, no pun intended!


    ¡°I know how my dick works dork!¡± I yelled with a pained, almost angry expression on my face. But I managed to calm myself down and continue. ¡°I mean, I¡¯ve got you locking the covers down and all this crap in me, how am I going to get out of bed? I don¡¯t even know where the bathroom is for fuck sake!¡±


    ¡°Oh. Right¡­¡± He said sleepily and with a yawn, followed quickly by another soft chuckle, he reached over me and pulled a weirdly shaped bottle from the side of the bed and handed it to me. ¡°Here, use this.¡±


    I took it from him and stared at it for a second. With the big opening at the top, it was obvious what it was for and how it worked. So, swallowing any embarrassment I might have felt right then, I thrust it under the covers, aimed and let loose with an audible sigh.


    ¡°A nurse came in and took your dick tube out last night, she brought you the bottle at the same time.¡± He told me. ¡°I thought you were awake enough to remember, but I guess not.¡±


    What came next crept up on me real slow. It was fine at first, just solid relief, then the burn started. No one tells you about that part! I guess, if you have a tube in your dick for too long, it kinda starts to stick. So, when it¡¯s taken out, it leaves you a little raw, if you know what I mean?


    I guess the pain was showing, because Riley¡¯s eyes widened with a look of concern, and he asked again for the second time that morning. ¡°You okay baby?¡±


    ¡°Yeah, just burns a little.¡± I said, through gritted teeth as I finished up and shook out the last few drops, before lifting the bottle out from under the covers. ¡°I wasn¡¯t expecting that, is all.¡±


    ¡°Oh shit, sorry.¡± He said taking the bottle from me like it was nothing and placing it back in its holder. Then with a shit eating grin unmistakably growing on his face, he followed up with, ¡°The nurse said that might happen, I should¡¯ve told you.¡±


    ¡°Don¡¯t worry about it, I would have done it anyway.¡± I managed to smile back at him. ¡°Maybe next time you can help, instead of just lying there.¡±


    ¡°Don¡¯t you threaten me with a good time young man!¡± He replied, with a sternness in his voice, that his eyes just couldn¡¯t quite make believable.


    Our conversation was cut short moments later, when the day nurse came in to check my vitals. She was different from the one the day before, but she smiled at us and Riley greeted her as Nurse Fiona, so I guess they had met before. After she noted the numbers down on the chart, she then went to work on my dressings. Nurse Fiona said the doctor would see me on her rounds in a little bit so right now, she had to remove them so the doc could get a good look at the healing progress. I knew that wasn¡¯t going to be any fun, but I grinned and bared it. Riley got off the bed and held my hand for support as she stripped me down to my waist and started peeling away the tape and gauze.


    Fiona suggested that Riley should wait outside, but I told her I had nothing he hadn¡¯t seen before. I should¡¯ve taken her up on her offer though and so should he, I very quickly realised. Because this would be the first time I would see the full extent of the damage they had done to me. Up until then it had all been an abstract thing. I knew I¡¯d been hurt, but I couldn¡¯t see it, you know? Not anymore, I could see it all now in very vivid detail. I looked over to Riley and saw that the blood had drained from his face. Of course, he had seen me when it happened, but like me, this must have been the first time he¡¯d seen the damage up close since then. I could see a tear make a slow track down his beautiful face, as he sucked in his bottom lip again and whispered, ¡°Look what they did to you¡­¡±


    I didn¡¯t have any words for him right then, I barely had any for myself, but I did manage to squeeze his hand a little tighter while I watched with a kind of weird detachment, as each dressing came off. I could tell by all the jagged lines, I was going to have some fairly wicked scars. Nurse Fiona was really good about it all though, and super gentle. She even used this wet stuff to make the sticky less sticky, but it still tugged a little. Even so, she took it really slow, and it didn¡¯t hurt too much. The last bandage to come off was the biggest one, the one over the big cut on my left side. That one I could see was going to be the biggest scar of them all.


    Once all the dressings were removed the nurse went about poking and prodding each wound in turn to make sure they were okay. I guess she was checking to see if I leaked anywhere. Had she been here a little earlier she would have seen one! That thought made me giggle and I felt Riley¡¯s grip tighten. I turned to look at his beautiful face and saw the question in his eyes. ¡°I¡¯ll tell you later babe.¡±


    ¡°You guys make a very cute couple.¡± She commented, still poking and prodding.


    For a second I wondered how she knew, but then it clicked and I spent the next few minutes searching her face and eyes for any kind of judgement or bad feelings. I couldn¡¯t find any and pretty soon just smiled at her, when she saw me she smiled back and gave me a wink. Once she was satisfied with my wounds, she went about running some warm water into a small portable basin with some cleaning stuff in it and getting some towels ready. Again, she suggested that Riley wait outside.


    ¡°It¡¯s okay ma¡¯am, I ain¡¯t got nothing he don¡¯t, and he¡¯s seen me naked plenty of times anyway.¡± Honestly, I couldn¡¯t stop looking at the damage to my body, it was like I was mesmerised or something, and I needed the reassurance of his warm and loving hand right then.


    Nodding her understanding, she went about stripping me completely for a sponge bath. It was a little unnerving being so naked in front of a girl though, especially one as young and pretty as Nurse Fiona, that much did break through my current mental state. However, I really didn¡¯t give it that much thought until she dropped the warm wet washcloth on my crotch and told me with a cheeky grin, that now I was awake, I could do that part myself! The implications of what she said, didn¡¯t hit me until much later, when I realised that while I was asleep, of course they would have had to bathe me everywhere. When Riley asked me why I was blushing, I told him exactly why and we both had a little giggle over it. With my bath over, Fiona stripped and remade the bed, with me still in it! The fresh sheets felt awesome though.


    I found out when the doctor came in about a half hour later, just how bad off I had been. Her name was Doc Sarah and although she didn¡¯t want to get too technical or in-depth with me at the time, because I was still so young, she did tell me a few things. She told me that I¡¯d been stabbed five times in total. Honestly though, it all happened so fast, I only really remembered the last one! She wasn¡¯t going to say more, but I pushed her for it.


    According to the doc, only two of them were immediately serious, but obviously they patched them all up. The serious ones were in my tummy and my chest. Most of the damage I suffered though, was from the beating I took afterwards. That part I didn¡¯t remember, Riley had told me about being kicked, but not about a beating. He¡¯d left that out for some reason, maybe he didn¡¯t know about it. He may have blocked it out I guess, or he might not have seen it happen. The Doc said I still had all of my bits though, inside and out, so I guess that was something.


    She poked and prodded my wounds just like the nurse did and declared that I was healing very well and now that I was awake, I could have the IV¡¯s and monitors removed. She also said, that if I was careful I could get up and walk around a bit, and when she suggested that Riley help me with that he agreed enthusiastically. She even said I could start having showers, but only if I was careful. I looked over at Riley and from the look on his face, it was pretty obvious he wanted to help me with those too and I blushed instantly at the thought but didn¡¯t say anything.


    The Doc kept her visit brief after that, refusing to tell me any more, but said that she would be back when one of my parents was there to tell us anything further. Nurse Fiona came back in a few minutes after Doc Sarah left and took the IVs and other cables away. She redressed my wounds. And while she was doing it, she said that we would go through the same process tomorrow then she would help me into the shower, instead of the sponge bath. The mention of which made me blush again.


    After I was covered up again, she helped me get up so that I could walk around a little. I hadn¡¯t walked for over three weeks, so I was a little shaky at first, but with her and Riley¡¯s help I soon found my feet again. He clucked over me like an old mother hen though, but I couldn¡¯t fault him for it. We made two trips around the room, then he showed me where the bathroom was and that was enough to tire me out, so he took me back to bed.


    Daddy arrived with the boys right then and the relief on his face, when he saw me walking back to my bed, was like night and day from the last time I had seen him. The boys were also pretty excited that I was up and moving, and I had a good laugh as I watched both Riley and Daddy trying to coral them a little, so they didn¡¯t damage me. As awesome as it was to see them all, I think the real highlight was the snacks they brought with them. They were sugary and sticky and totally delicious!


    Once I had finished and was just sitting up in bed licking my fingers clean, the boys both tried to climb up and sit with me. When Daddy saw the bed wobbling, he told them they could both sit with me if they were gentle. I think he was talking to CJ more than Mikey, but he didn¡¯t single him out specifically. I also think he meant one at a time. However, as he lifted CJ up on to the bed, Mikey proved he was big enough to get up himself, and they were soon resting against me on each side, with my arms around them.


    Mikey just put his arm over my chest and snuggled into me. CJ however, lifted his small hand to caress my face and whispered, ¡°I really missed you.¡±


    ¡°I missed you too little man.¡± Was all I managed to reply, before choking up a little.


    I guess the stress just finally got to them, or maybe they hadn¡¯t slept well the night before, I don¡¯t know. Regardless, they must have been pretty tired, because within moments they were both breathing deeply, asleep. I looked over at Daddy and Riley, a wide grin of utter contentment spreading out across my face. I noticed Riley had leaned up against him, and Daddy had his arm draped over my boy¡¯s shoulder. They both had the same look on their face. Even though they weren¡¯t related by blood, it was truly weird just how alike they were sometimes.


    Doc Sarah came back not long after and greeted Daddy with a smile. I guess over the weeks they had gotten to know each other a bit. During that visit, under Daddy¡¯s supervision, she gave me the more gory details. She told me that as soon as I arrived, they had taken me into emergency surgery, and I was in there for over ten hours! She said that even though I was in serious condition, they didn¡¯t want to risk stopping at first, because I had already coded twice in the ambulance and once again in the operating room. I guess Riley was right, I did die three times, that was kind of scary. I think it was scarier knowing I had to be in there so long before they managed to sort me all out though. She said the main reason it took so long, was all the work they had to do to repair my lung.


    If you stumble upon this narrative on Amazon, be aware that it has been stolen from Royal Road. Please report it.


    I hadn¡¯t been told about that bit yet and my eyes shot to where Daddy and Riley were standing at the end of the bed. I could see the tension within both of them as they relived that night. It must have been hell for them having to go through that, I realised. It was hell thinking about it, and suddenly I wanted the moms there too! I wanted to be able to hold everyone. My mind was doing some interesting somersaults at that moment, at first I felt like a little boy again and I just wanted to hold my mommy. Then I flip flopped and wanted to be able to simply hold the moms, so they knew I was alright.


    It got real quiet for a minute and when I came back from my thoughts I noticed everyone was looking at me. ¡°Sorry, it¡¯s just a lot, you know? Please tell me the rest.¡±


    Doc Sarah went on to tell me that I would probably be setting off metal detectors for the next few years, with the pins they had to put in to fix and set a few of my ribs. She said that I was young and healthy, so the bones would heal perfectly enough where they could be removed if I wanted them to be, but that would be a while off. I guess that explained why I¡¯d had so many bandages, wires and IV¡¯s in and on me. She also said that I wouldn¡¯t be able to do anything strenuous over the next few months, she said that baseball and football training was definitely out, and I would probably miss the football season itself that year, but riding and light farm work was ok. The disappointment I suddenly felt must have been obvious on my face, because both Daddy and Riley reached out to touch me on the leg, to offer their support.


    She finished up with the knife. Apparently it had gotten stuck in my ribcage on the last stab, and Anthony couldn¡¯t pull it out again, which probably saved me from even more holes I guess. The chest one was apparently the one that was actually killing me, because the knife had been there pretty much the whole time. It was puncturing my lung every time I breathed heavily, and I was drowning because of it. The doc called it a Nomo-thorax or something like that and told me that I¡¯d likely be dead if it wasn¡¯t for Anakin¡¯s quick action.


    Riley told me later after everyone left what Anakin had done. He said using just his knife, which I knew for a fact was always wicked sharp, he cut me open, then pushed the straw from my discarded soda cup into me, and made my lung expand again. The doc had called it a chest tube thoracic-something-or-other, but by then I was really struggling to keep all the medical terms straight in my head, it was so much to process. I remember she said what he did was super dangerous though, and I was a very lucky boy that someone with that kind of knowledge was close by. I guess Daddy had heard all this before, but it didn¡¯t stop the pained look of anguish I noticed on his face when I watched him hear it again. Riley¡¯s expression wasn¡¯t much better. The boys were still sleeping, so I didn¡¯t have to worry about them hearing anything they shouldn¡¯t. I made sure to check every now and again though, just to make sure.


    She said a bunch of other things after that, that I didn¡¯t really understand, and a few that I did. I was getting really tired again though, which was happening a lot lately, and just wanted a nap with my brothers. To be fair I did try, but I wasn¡¯t actually paying that much attention towards the end. The one thing I grabbed onto though, was if I continued to improve, I would be released and could go home by the end of next week. I asked Riley what day it was, and he said it was Wednesday, so that meant I could get out of here in just over a week and two days! I had only been awake half a day, but I already couldn¡¯t wait to get home.


    Anakin must have come to the hospital with Daddy or something, because he came in just after Doc Sarah left and stood next to Daddy. For the first time I truly understood how strong their bond was with each other. Theirs was much more than just a friendship, I could easily see that now, it was kinda similar to how Riley and I felt about each other. I don¡¯t think there was a romantic component with their relationship though.


    Daddy held my boy while looking on at me and my brothers on the bed. Then, as if it was the most natural thing in the world, he slipped his hand into Anakin¡¯s, their fingers intertwining, turned his face towards him and I swear I saw a tear spill out and slide down his cheek. All he said though, was ¡°Thank you.¡±


    Anakin reached out his other hand and patted my foot with an affection I had always known was there but didn¡¯t see so openly very often. He smiled at me for a second, winked, then turned his face to look Daddy in the eyes. I could see he squeezed Daddy¡¯s hand, then he simply said. ¡°You are my brother.¡±


    With that, he let go and walked back out of the room, as if no other explanation was necessary.


    ***


    The moms came to see me that afternoon and it was pretty emotional. They said they would have come in with the boys, but they didn¡¯t want to overwhelm me too soon. They did kinda fuss over me the whole visit though, like I was a little boy again or something, but I grinned and bared it at first. I knew they¡¯d been through hell over the past month, especially my mom, and I guess she just needed to mom for a while. While she was hugging me for the millionth time that day, I just happened to look over at Riley¡¯s mom Kaylee, and although she was smiling while she held her own boy, I could definitely see the relief in her eyes as well.


    It was really good to see them both. Other than the facetime the night before, this was the first time I¡¯d seen them since it happened, and I couldn¡¯t help but remember what was going through my mind as I lay on that cold wet fairground. The thought of never seeing them again rattled me so much, that I think I needed to little boy right then, for a while I just needed to be in momma¡¯s arms, it actually didn¡¯t matter to me which one. Didn¡¯t matter to them either I noticed.


    ***


    The next few days were a bit of a blur. Riley was still with the me the whole time and I even got to have that shower Nurse Fiona promised me, it was pure heaven let me tell you! Sponge baths get the job done sure, but there is nothing better than a shower, especially if you share it with someone you love, if you know what I mean?


    Someone from home was in everyday over the next week and a bit and between all the visitors and the trips to the pool for physical therapy, I found out that a ranch hand had been guarding my door day and night. I was told later that Sherriff¡¯s deputies had been there as well, but they were pulled after the first week once all of the adults who hurt us had been caught. That was kind of cool though, it made me feel like the president or something.


    It was only later I began to wonder why I warranted that kind of protection, but I guess Daddy wasn¡¯t taking any chances with our safety, and neither was Anakin. Apparently, he was the one who took the night shift, every night shift. Someone told me later that he¡¯d been on the ranch every day doing his day job too. God only knows when he slept, but I loved him for it, because it made me feel safer and I definitely slept better knowing he was there, if I¡¯m honest, I think Riley did too.


    On the Thursday after I woke up, Daddy and the moms both came into town and the moms decided to take Riley out for lunch with a bit of shopping after. I think their real goal, was just to get him out of the hospital for a while and I supported it, because I knew he needed it. Besides Daddy had organised with Uncle Chris to come and take my statement and Riley couldn¡¯t be in the room for that, for legal reasons we were told. That was also okay with me, Riley had already given his statement, and I really didn¡¯t want him to relive it more than he had to anyway. A parent had to be with me though, since I was still a minor, it had to be that way to be official according to Uncle Chris. Kaylee had offered, being a lawyer, but Daddy said he would take care of it.


    The County Sherriff Chris Jeffers was not my blood uncle, but he had known Daddy since they were kids and they had grown up together. Uncle Chris was also in the group who joined the navy with Daddy. Consequently, I had also known him my entire life and me and Riley were good friends with his kids. Uncle Chris had two boys Cody and Hunter, they were pretty cute blond haired twins and in our grade at school.


    As it turned out though, what I had to say, didn¡¯t really fill in too many blanks, Uncle Chris just needed me to say it, so it could be recorded. He did say one thing I found strange though, he said my statement was ¡®just to complete the paperwork¡¯.


    ¡°Why?¡± I asked, a confused look very clearly on my face.


    ¡°Look Luca,¡± Uncle Chris started before looking over at my Daddy, who just nodded. ¡°I¡¯m not sure how much you want to know, but I will tell you this. Caine Jacobs was found dead yesterday morning in prison. Whoever did what they did, well they weren¡¯t gentle, he¡¯d pretty much bled out by the time the guards got there.¡±


    ¡°Jesus Christ Chris, did you have to be so graphic!¡± Daddy said, maybe a little too loud. When I looked at Uncle Chris he just shrugged, and Daddy chuckled but gave him a sort of angry glare anyway.


    That exchange between Uncle Chris and my Daddy stuck with me for some reason. Many years later I had the record unsealed and found that Caine Jacobs had been pretty brutally raped and then stabbed five times in the prison shower. The last one with the shiv left lodged in his chest. Apparently he had been left to die. He was found dead by guards seemingly hours later, bled out and naked on the shower floor. No one was charged with his murder. But I didn¡¯t know that then, so took it all at face value.


    ¡°Sorry kiddo, maybe I should have said that differently¡±.


    ¡°You never did have any tact Chris.¡± Daddy said.


    ¡°S¡¯ok.¡± I said to Uncle Chris. ¡°So, there won¡¯t be a trial then?¡±


    ¡°All going to plan, no.¡± Uncle Chris replied. ¡°Apparently all of Jacobs¡¯ accomplices have seen sense and have made statements confessing what they did to you two. Saying that they were under the influence of booze and religion. They¡¯ve all copped a plea bargain and the judge has signed off. Ten years each for attempted manslaughter.¡±


    He had said the word ¡®Accomplices¡¯ with air quotes and I didn¡¯t really know what to make of that, but I looked over at Daddy and he nodded sternly.


    ¡°Is that all you need Chris?¡± Daddy asked his old friend.


    ¡°Yup, that¡¯s all I need.¡± He replied. Then he turned back to me and smiled. ¡°So glad you pulled through kiddo, the boys have been scared and missing you something fierce and would love to see you. Get well soon, okay?¡±


    ¡°I will, thanks Uncle Chris, tell them I say hi and are missing them too, okay?¡± He nodded in reply.


    ¡°Luca will be home shortly if he keeps improving the doc said, I¡¯m sure after a day or two to settle back in, we can arrange a sleep over at the main house for the boys and their friends.¡± Daddy said as he stood up.


    ¡°Sounds good, the boys will be chomping at the bit. Let me know when and I¡¯ll bring them out.¡± With that, Uncle Chris put his notebook away, shook Daddy¡¯s hand and left.


    As the door closed, I looked at my father. ¡°Is it true Daddy, is it all over?¡±


    ¡°It is son, you have my word.¡± He replied, and that was all I needed to hear.  He stepped over to the bed, brushed some stray hair out of my eyes then leaned down to kiss my forehead. ¡°Get some rest son, I¡¯ll see you tomorrow, ok? I love you so much kid!¡±


    I looked back up with a smile and nodded, ¡°Ok Daddy, I love you too.¡±


    I was out before the door had even swung closed.


    ***


    Just Before Riley and the moms came back a few hours later, I had another visitor, one I wasn¡¯t expecting. He was a man in his sixties, tall like Daddy and although his face looked every day of those sixty plus years, his body was still strong and showed no signs of giving in just yet. He¡¯d lived out on the northeast pastures of the ranch for most of my life, and we didn¡¯t get to see him as often as anyone would like, but he was always there for the big things like birthdays and Christmas. He was sitting in Riley¡¯s chair, the one by the window, spinning his sweaty old worn-out old cowboy hat in his hands watching me sleep.  When my eyes cracked open I saw him smile.


    ¡°They tell me you¡¯re gonna make it.¡± He said, levering himself up and out of the chair. He stepped over and sat on the edge of the bed, taking me hand in his very calloused but warm and gentle one. ¡°You gave us all quite a scare grandson.¡±


    ¡°I know grandpa, I¡¯m sorry.¡±


    ¡°Of all the things you need to be sorry about, this isn¡¯t one of them!¡± He replied, maybe a little louder than he intended, and I flinched back a little. Grandpa was old, but he could still be pretty scary when he wanted to be! When he noticed my reaction though, his face calmed, and his body relaxed. ¡°Why didn¡¯t you tell me yourself? I had to hear it from your daddy when he told me you were in here. Why didn¡¯t you tell me you were gay?¡±


    ¡°I¡¯m so sorry Grandpa, I wanted to tell you, I really did but at first I wasn¡¯t sure, then I didn¡¯t know how, then school started, and it was hard to see you.¡±


    ¡°Those are just excuses boy, and you know it! You could have ridden out anytime, you know that. I was even at the branding, you could have told me then.¡±


    ¡°I wanted to Grandpa, I swear, I was just kinda scared and I wasn¡¯t sure how.¡±


    ¡°I¡¯m pretty disappointed in you grandson.¡± He was patting my hand now and I could feel that disappointment, but there was no anger in it, I was pretty sure of that, just a little hurt is all. ¡°You thought I didn¡¯t know my own grandson, you thought I was too old or too dumb to see how you felt about that boy over the years? But the worst thing you did, was thinking I wouldn¡¯t love you because of who you love, and that hurts kiddo, that¡¯s why I¡¯m disappointed.¡±


    ¡°I¡¯m s-sorry grandpa. I s-should have known better.¡± I said as a tear slipped out and traced its way down my face. I was starting to sob when he reached out to me.


    ¡°Damn right you should have known better!¡± Grandpa replied. Running the back of his hand lightly across my cheek, brushing that tear away with his calloused thumb and smiled down at me. ¡°But you don¡¯t think about that right now grandson, you just get some rest and heal up, then we¡¯ll have a proper talk about this.¡±


    ¡°Ok grandpa, I love you.¡±


    ¡°I love you too grandson, more than you could ever know.¡± He replied. He told me that now he knew I was awake he needed to head back to the cabin to make sure the wranglers were doing their job out there properly. He then told me to ride out and see him as soon as I was able to make the trip. He also made sure that I knew Riley was still just as welcome as he had always been, and with that he slid off of the bed, put his hat back on, turned on his heels and walked out of the room.


    ***


    Luke and the moms were back and forth every other day after that, they tended to alternate most days though, and they usually had one or both of the boys with them as well. Luca was getting stronger every day and I felt finally safe enough to leave him alone for small periods of time. I was still having my sessions with Dr Jack anyway, and I couldn¡¯t have those in his hospital room anymore now that he was awake. Luca had also started to have sessions with Dr Jack himself and they too needed the privacy. They were hard on him I could tell, because he was so drained after every one of them. But I think they were working, he seemed to be sleeping a bit better. He was still having nightmares though, he tried to tell me he wasn¡¯t, but I knew he was.


    The following week came the really hard physical therapy sessions. These were done in the pool, apparently it was the best way to work the muscles most affected, and I was right there to help out wherever I could. I¡¯d told the physical therapist that we had a pool at home so he took me though all the exercises, so I could help Luca when we got home. The exercises weren¡¯t that intensive, but they were long, and he was always fairly tired at the end of them.


    His attire, and mine for the pool was trunks, and when he put them on for the first time, I noticed just how skinny he had gotten. We¡¯d both lost some weight over the last few weeks, but his trunks, which were the short legged baggy type, were definitely a little looser than they used to be. They also seemed to cling in some interesting ways when they were wet and every now and again I got a little excited. Just being shirtless, he would normally have excited me, but this time it was different. Most of the wounds were healed enough by then for the dressings to stay off, but they were still pretty red and angry looking, and it was super hard to look at them and not remember how they got there.


    Having said that though, he is still stunningly beautiful to me and so very sexy, I can¡¯t deny that. His smile is so sweet, and it melts me every time, his body is still super-hot and his happiness so infectious. I don¡¯t think just the sight of him could ever not do things to me, if you know what I mean? But at the same time, I can¡¯t help but see him now as a little bit, broken maybe? He looks somehow older now, like his innocence was ripped away from him when he got hurt.


    He worked hard at his exercises, as he did with everything, but his efforts seemed to make the scars stand out even more somehow. He was so strong, he tried so hard to never let the pain show, but I saw it and it ate away at me a little each time. I was always there to celebrate his wins and commiserate his losses though right along with him. Every now and again though, the stark reminder of my own failures hit me really hard, and I couldn¡¯t help but shed a few tears at what I had done. It was a good thing we were in the pool, hopefully he didn¡¯t notice.


    Every time these thoughts go through my head, I feel that old familiar friend wash over and through me, like waves on a beach it comes and goes. And at these times I can¡¯t help but feel responsible, feel that guilt and feel like shit because of it. I¡¯ve told Dr Jack about it and each time he counsels me through it, he really is a good therapist and I think he cares for both of us, as much as he can anyway. Most of the time it works, but then I see Luca naked or even just without his shirt on and it starts all over again, and I wonder if I ever won¡¯t feel this way. Dr Jack tells me it won¡¯t last, but I¡¯m not so sure. I don¡¯t know how much longer I can keep myself together, but I have to be strong for him, he deserves that and so much more!


    On his last night in the hospital, we were lying in his bed, and I was gently but lazily tracing the red scars on his chest and tummy with my finger tip. I hadn¡¯t noticed that I¡¯d started crying again, but he did.


    ¡°Shhh baby, it¡¯s okay, I¡¯m okay.¡± He said wrapping his arm around me and pulling me in close.


    ¡°Look what I did to you¡­¡± I mumbled out quietly, before I could stop myself.


    ¡°For fuck sake Riley, look at me!¡± He placed a finger of his other hand under my chin and lifted my face to look into my eyes, I resisted at first, but he was fairly insistent. ¡°How many times do I need to tell you this isn¡¯t your fault okay. You¡¯re not responsible for what happened to us, do you understand me?¡±


    ¡°Yes, no, I don¡¯t know Luca look at you¡­.¡±


    ¡°They¡¯re just scars babe, they¡¯re mostly healed anyway.¡± While he said this, he took my hand, the one I had been tracing over his body, in his and held it to his lips, kissing each finger gently. ¡°I¡¯m still here and I love you!¡±


    ¡°I love you so much Luca, but this hurts so bad!¡±


    ¡°Come here.¡± He said as he wrapped both of his arms around me.


    This time and I leaned in and pressed my lips to his. Over the past week they had regained their usual soft velvety texture and felt like heaven again. He must have been surprised, because it took a couple of heartbeats before they parted, but when they did, my tongue slipped in to tickle his. If I lived a million years I would never get bored of the tastes and feelings of my boy. I still felt guilty, and I don¡¯t think I ever wouldn¡¯t, but at least his kisses made me feel better for a little while and I hungrily ate him up for as long as I could.


    I ended up on top of him, our lips and tongues never breaking contact, a few minutes later we came up for air breathing hard and a little sweaty. I looked down at him, my eyes boring deep into his soul, like I was drilling for something. I could feel his excitement pressing into me, competing with my own and the look of need on his face was so cute, I couldn¡¯t resist. I leaned back in again and let our love lead the way for the next few minutes. We¡¯d played around over the last few days, but never anything this serious and I think we both needed the release in more ways than one. Afterwards, lying there against each other, with the euphoric feelings wafting over and through us, we drifted into the most peaceful sleep we had had since this whole thing started.


    ***


    Outside in the hall, a smile crept over the face of the tall dark man sitting in front of the door. He had heard what was going on inside the room he guarded and was happy the boys were able to finally share each other again, though he did wish they were a little quieter. He made sure they weren¡¯t disturbed however, he knew how much they needed this. There had been so much stress and pain and worry for the past month that an evil darkness had crept over the immediate area like a pall, and no amount of soft chanting, prayer and burning sage when the nurses weren¡¯t looking was able to hold it at bay until that night. The love the boys showed each other was like a healing balm and the darkness receded. How long it would stay there, Anakin didn¡¯t know, but he would fight it with everything he had as he always had, as he always did!