ã€ŠNecklace In The Pathã€‹


 Prologue

    Sitting on the edge of this unfamiliar bed with the blue twilight barely peeking through the curtains, I barely turned over and stared at the man sleeping peacefully next to me. I gazed at his unclothed beige frame and wondered if he was dreaming a good dream due to the smirk on his face.

    Without trying to disturb his sleep I silently sat up from the bedside. I glanced around for my clothes that were thrown off me from the night before. After stumbling around in the shadowy room I managed to find clothes, probably not mine, and brought them on.

    I still felt as if I wasn''t fully clothed and like muscle memory, I lifted my hand to my neck to feel for the familiar strand and rings that had been a part of me for the last 2 years.

    That familiar feeling was not there and my grogginess slowly started melting away. Guilt and anxiety instead replaced the grogginess and began to build up inside me, like I was going to spew out the contents as I started to recall the scenes that had played out the night before.

    I think of my shaky hands gently reaching around the nap of my neck to take apart the clip. I turned to the nightstand and lightly set down the necklace as though it would break if I had done it any faster.

    The memories started flooding in and before the panic could overtake me, I quickly, like a cat, jumped to the nightstand and sprawled my hands out all over the hard cold surface. With a quiet sigh of relief I had found what I had been looking for.

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    After clasping the chilled necklace, I remembered why I had woken up in the first place. I needed nicotine. Badly. I scurried through my purse, which felt like a lifetime, to grab my vape pen. Normally I wouldn''t care about smoking inside, but I needed the air and conveniently there was a balcony that looked like it had not been used yet due to the sudden monsoon that had started last night.

    As softly as I could, I cracked open the door, but with every sound that was made I would rapidly whip my head over towards the direction of the bed. Once I got the door opened just enough for me to fit through the side of my body, I slid outside onto the balcony.

    The blue haze still filled the sky with most of the city still sleeping. I always enjoyed being awake at this time because it felt like time just stopped for you. I puffed away and recognized that I couldn''t get the nicotine in fast enough. My vape pen was like my own little pacifier. It soothed me and I took it everywhere I went.

    While I leaned against the railing on the balcony looking over the smaller buildings I wondered if there was anyone else doing the exact same thing as I was. As that thought crossed my mind, I had the sudden urge to cry. I did not feel sad, nor did I feel anything at that moment. As I started thinking more about my urge to cry I instantly felt tears welling up. I tried wiping them away as fast as they could fall down, but that just only made my eyes more irritated which caused even more tears to come.

    Why did I feel like this? It has been almost 3 years and I should be able to move on, yet I still feel some kind of guilt, like I''m not allowed to be happy. He would want me to be happy, he wouldn''t want me to act this way. So why can''t I just move on?

 Chapter 1

    I woke up before my alarm went off. Ever since I moved to Japan I''ve never had a full night''s rest. Maybe that was because I was still getting used to living here.

    I''ve only lived here now for about 4 months, and so I thought that maybe I would be used to the unfamiliarity by now. I guess not.

    I lay there in bed just looking up at the ceiling in my tiny little flat. I didn''t have much decorations going on, if anything most of the stuff I brought with me are still in boxes scattered throughout the apartment.

    I reached over onto the floor to check my phone to see what time it was. It was 5:00 a.m. and I still had plenty of time to sleep, and yet here I am, wide awake not being able to fall back asleep anytime soon.

    I didn''t start work till 9:00 a.m. so I had plenty of time to get ready, not that I needed much time. I stopped doing my make-up a few years ago, and my current job was pretty casual with what we wore to work.

    I rolled over onto the floor trying to get my body to wake up from the cold surface. As I set up, I felt my body stiffen from being in the same position all night.

    The first thing I did after finally standing up, is to go straight to the bathroom. I turned on the bathroom light and looked at myself in the mirror. My eyes looked really swollen, worse than usual. I don''t remember crying last night, but maybe I was doing it in my sleep. As I stared at myself a bit longer, I noticed that my weight keeps shedding off. I''ve always struggled with my weight, due to me being able to gain weight really easily. However, when I tend to be more stressed out my stomach starts to hurt which then leads to me not eating. What did I eat last night anyways?

    I''ve always been average looking. I''ve never thought of myself to be beautiful, maybe pretty on occasion, but definitely on the average side. I remember a guy telling me once that the first time he met me he said I was a six, but then he got to know me and my rating changed to a nine. I guess that was his way of giving me a compliment. I''m very short, sometimes I think I''m a little too short for my liking, but it''s always been like that. I blame my dad. Now that I think about it, I guess if I had to pick a feature on me that I like, it would probably have to be my smile, when I do decide to smile that is, and maybe my eyes. I guess I have nice eyes. I''ll thank my mom for that one.

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    I live in Tokyo, but not in the center of Tokyo, more on the outskirts. I''m renting out a room in an apartment building that''s big enough just for me in Shinjuku City, Wasedatsurumakich¨­. I don''t mind it because I''ve always wanted to live here, and I even tried learning Japanese for about 5 years through an app. I wouldn''t say my Japanese is very great, but I think I can understand it well enough to get by. Luckily my job doesn''t require me to speak Japanese since I work in the English department, only occasionally to make small talk to my Japanese co-workers.

    Working in an office can be tiresome and my thoughts run rampant when I do tedious tasks. When I first moved out here, and started my job, I thought that maybe because I was in a different country that I would always be busy and my mind wouldn''t wander, but it turns out that every office job is the same.

    I knew I had to keep myself busy, or I would probably end up losing my mind. My mom came up with the brilliant idea of doing make-up again. Just as a side gig, to keep myself occupied. So that''s how I started becoming a freelance make-up artist. Now when I say artist I mean that very loosely. I wouldn''t say my skills are on a professional level, but it''s something that I enjoy doing on the side and it keeps me busy. I don''t have many clients either, more like regulars. During one visit from a regular of mine, Cho, had asked me if I was interested in working at a place to do multiple people''s make-up.

    Cho asked me this, as I applied her make-up, if I had ever worked in a place and gotten paid to do make-up. I responded with a blunt no, realizing shortly afterwards it probably sounded rude. She then went on to explain why she always has me to her make-up, and it''s because she actually works at a cabaret club.

    I never pinned Cho as being a dancer. She was very pretty and had a very nice personality, so I wasn''t sure why she wanted to be a dancer to begin with, but maybe that was just me being judgmental.

    After she explained to me the job duties I would be doing, I asked her why she thought that would be a good idea? With a cute response she exclaimed, "Anata wa sabishi-s¨­ ni mieru". In spite of the fact that I knew she was right, I was lonely, I still had the sudden urge to punch her, but I refrained myself from doing so.

    Cho told me she would talk to the manager at the club and put in a good word for me. I really didn''t want her to do that, but I also knew that I needed the change.

    I called my mom later that night to tell her about what Cho had said to me, my mom seemed to like the idea. I know she worries about me a lot, and I worry about me a lot too, but she''s always been super supportive especially after everything that happened. I hate worrying her, she shouldn''t have to worry about her 30-year-old AWOL daughter. It made me feel like such a loser at times, like why couldn''t I get my shit together?

    After wallowing in self-pity, I took a shower, brushed my teeth, and laid down for bed. As I was in and out of consciousness, his face flashed in my mind. I tried to think of something different, but ultimately fell asleep with the image of his beautiful face.

 Chapter 2

    Cho had called me about a week later after our initial meeting to give me the name and address at the cabaret club she worked at.

    "Cher¨© cher¨©?"

    "Hai!", Cho exclaimed in her cute little anime voice.

    "Wakatta, who do I ask for when I get there?"

    I was a bit nervous since the area the club was located in had a bit of history to it, but then again, what do I got to lose?

    "Ask for Todoroki, and let him know I sent you."

    "Wakatta. Cho-san, arigat¨­gozaimasu."

    "D¨­itashimashite Tabi-san!"

    Even though I may not have sounded that thrilled, I still felt really grateful towards Cho for looking out for me. She seemed to be the only friend I had here, although she might not have thought the same thing, I still really appreciated the gesture.

    I seriously need to get out more - finding the club proved to be difficult work because I still could not read Kanji very well. My co-workers always invited me out, but I always said I had plans or just tried to avoid them before they would ask.

    The club wasn''t too far from where I lived. It was only about a 30 minute train ride from my flat to the club, and it was still located in Shinjuku City, except that it was located in the Kabukicho district. I had heard a lot of rumors about the Kabukicho district, one being that it was largely known for the amount of clubs, bars, and restaurants. On the other hand, there is a large presence of Yakuza activities going on in the area too. At least that''s what I had heard.

    After wandering around aimlessly, Google maps told me I had arrived. It looked like the club might have been closed, but Cho said they don''t open until 5:00 and it was only 4:30. There I could see a man standing outside of the venue, smoking a cigarette. He was kind of odd looking because it looks like he might have been in his 50s, maybe even his 60s. That wasn''t the odd part though, his hair was dyed a pastel purple, with streaks of blonde in it. He also had a rather large beer belly and had a few tattoos on his right arm and hand.

    Before I could continue with my thoughts, I was interrupted by the booming sound of his voice.

    "Are you looking for someone?", I could tell that his English wasn''t that great so I knew this conversation was going to be a bit difficult for both of us.

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    "Hai, Todoroki ase k¨­ o sagashiteimasu."

    "Dare ga shiritaidesu ka?"

    "Jiko sh¨­kai ga okuremashitaga, watashinonamaeha tabisadesu - Onsha no shain no kata kara no sh¨­kaidesu."

    "Oh..."

    He stood there, looking off into the distance as if another thought had occurred to him.

    "From Cho?"

    "Hai, Sh¨±shoku no mensetsu no tame ni koko ni imasu."

    "Sh¨±matsu ni hatarakemasu ka?"

    "Hai!"

    "Saisho no shifuto wa kin''y¨­ kara hajimarimasu!"

    "Hai!"

    That whole conversation was such a blur. I''m not even sure if he knew what he was hiring me for, but it seems as though I got the job and my first day of work starts next Friday.

    ? ? ?

    This place is wild! I''ve been working at Cher¨© cher¨© for about a month now, and it''s like being in another universe. This is just talking about the club itself, don''t even get me started on the neighborhood the club is located in. If I had to compare Kabukicho to another place it would probably be Las Vegas. This part of Tokyo does not sleep, it always smells like cigarettes, and you are never sure if you''re going to get mugged or not.

    Now when Cho had told me she worked at a cabaret club, I assumed she was a dancer, and it turns out I was completely wrong about that. Between The States and Japan, a cabaret club has a much more different meaning. It turns out that Cho is actually a hostess, this made more sense to me now since I did not pin her for being a dancer.

    Walking along the streets to the side of any central city area in Japan, you''re more than likely to come across signage with glam photos of men and women. These are called ''host club'' and ''kyabakura'' which is short for ''cabaret club''. Host clubs cater to female customers where kyabakura caters to male customers. Upon arrival, you''ll be given a menu and choose which man, or woman, you would like to converse with that evening. You''ll choose your pick, if available, you''ll be seated with them. To usher in, the customer must first purchase a drink for yourself and your host or hostess.

    During your time you will drink and converse with your host or hostess flirtatiously, but that''s it. There''s no touching allowed, and depending on the establishment, you will be banned if you think about being physical with the host or hostess. Now I had heard that some clubs worked as undercover prostitution ring and when I had asked Cho if this place was one of them, she grabbed my shoulders, to face her directly, and bursted out with a "No!". I never brought it up to her again.

    Ever since I started working here, I feel as though I''ve become a bit more social. Maybe it''s because of all the girls that I meet and the small talk we have while I do their makeup. I usually just stay in the back where they get ready and never go out into the front. I don''t think Todoroki wants me to go out to the front either since I am a foreigner, and it would probably be weird for the customers to see a small pasty white girl dressed up like they might be homeless too. Overall, after the first month of working here it really hasn''t been too bad. I really only see the hostesses and Todoroki and that''s pretty much it, and yet that was soon going to change. My whole world was about to shatter and I didn''t even know it.

 Chapter 3

    Most of my shifts working at Cher¨© cher¨©, should really only have been about an hour or two of work. Instead I worked from 4:30 to 9:00 PM. Todoroki said that in case there''s a mishap with the make-up or hair, he''d rather have me here so that I can fix it quickly. It rarely happened when one of the girls would need help with something like that, so for the most part I would just end up cleaning the backroom, or vape in the back alley way behind the club.

    On one of these occasions when I was outside, sitting on an abandoned drink crate, vaping while scrolling through my phone, I heard the back door open. I thought it might''ve been one of the girls looking for me so I instantly sat up so I could see what they needed, except it wasn''t one of the hostesses or Todoroki. It was a man that I had never met before.

    I thought that maybe he was a customer and got lost so I asked him if he needed help.

    "¨©e." He responded with such a cool casual tone. I kind of just stood there awkwardly not knowing what to do with myself. As I was about to start walking away, the man spoke up again.

    "Do you speak English?"

    "Yes I do."

    "Ah, you must be the make-up artist Todo hired."

    "Oh, yes. My name is Tabi!"

    "Tabi must be short for something else... What''s your actual name?"

    "Tabitha."

    "Nice to meet you Tabitha. My name is Hinata."

    I bowed ungracefully and mumbled under my breath, "Nice to meet you Hinata."

    Who was this guy and why was he talking to me so casually? I still don''t even know why he came out the back door either. This alley way wasn''t very well lit so I could barely make out his face, only the silhouette of his fra-

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    "Oh! That''s right! I just realized you probably don''t even know who I am!" He roared with laughter, "I probably just seem like a pervert right now". I could not agree more, I thought to myself.

    "I''m sorry Tabitha, I''m the club owner."

    "Oh!" I thought Todoroki was the club owner.

    "Todoroki just helps me look after the place while I''m gone and gives me updates." Can this guy read my mind?

    "Oh, that makes sense now."

    "Yeah I was actually on a business trip in America for the past month and after Todoroki had told me he had hired an American girl, I wanted to come and formally introduce myself."

    He''s very gentleman-like, and I''m not sure how to handle this. His English is so good and he talks with so much confidence. If anything, his English might be even better than mine.

    "Well, I hope I''m doing good work. Thank you for having me here!" I bowed my head again, this time a little better.

    "You are doing really good work. I''ve noticed all the girls look more unique and not so bland. So thank you, and you don''t have to be so formal with me either."

    I caught myself mid-bow and stood up straight, "Thank you very much!".

    Suddenly the back door swung open again, and one of the hostesses had come poking her head outside.

    "Tabi-san! I need he- Oh! Nakao-san, anata ga ryok¨­ kara modottekita to wa shirimasendeshita!" She frantically bowed her head. While I stared at the hostess bowing her head, I looked over at Hinata and he was not staring at the hostess, but me instead, and this time though it wasn''t just the tall black silhouette I could see. After the hostess had opened the door, the light from inside was able to shine on Hinata''s face.

    He had this grin on his face, which created a cute eye smile. From his eye smile I could see that he had a bit of wrinkles, so my guess is that Hinata is in his late 30s. His hair wasn''t naturally straight like most Asians, but instead he had a bit of waviness that formed loose locks, it looked like he might have curled his hair. He had a bit of a mustache growing with a goatee. His nose was rather flat, but had a very defined jawline, thus giving him model-like features. I could tell he was tall from the silhouette, but with the indoor light shining on him now, he looked even taller, probably close to 6 ft.

    It probably looked as though I was gawking at Hinata because all of a sudden I felt a tug on my hand.

    "Tabi-san!"

    "M¨­shiwakearimasen!"

    How long was I focused on him for? I felt my cheeks burning. I quickly turned around and ran inside, dragging the hostess along with me without saying another word to Hinata. I think I had heard a faint "See you later Tab-", though the backdoor had slammed shut before I could hear the rest.

 Chapter 4

    Following up with being introduced to Hinata from 3 weeks ago, I now see him every weekend. He usually comes in an hour after opening and talks to Todoroki for about 30 minutes, then later on comes to the dressing room and starts chatting with me. I wasn''t really sure what I thought of Hinata, I mean he was very good looking and held his confidence well, but why did he insist on speaking with me every chance he got?

    Most of our talks just consisted of him asking questions about me and my backstory, and why I was in Japan. I usually gave him very few worded answers because I wasn''t sure what his deal was and why he needed to know so much. He did not seem to notice my awkwardness, or he just didn''t care. During one of these encounters, he pointed to my neckline, "I notice you wear that every time I see you. Can I ask the significance of it?". I gently grabbed the necklace that had the ring attached to it. I started to feel my heart pounding.

    "If it''s too uncomfortable to talk about, you don''t have to share." Hinata said this with such a calming and caring tone, that I almost felt guilty for not saying anything.

    "I''m sorry... I just haven''t spoken about this to anyone while living in Japan." I could feel my mouth drying up.

    "Was this from a lover?"

    "Ummm, yes it was."

    "Where are they now?" He had asked this while I looked away, but I could feel his eyes peering into my heart.

    "He''s gone." I haven''t talked about him in so long, that it had almost felt wrong.

    I wanted to run away and cry. I did not want to talk about this, but I knew it was something that needed to be said. I felt as though the next words that would come out would lead into me sobbing. However, Hinata cut off my thoughts.

    "What are you doing next Thursday?"

    "Oh, I''m working."

    "What time are you off work? And do you have any plans after work?" What the hell! Is he about to ask me on a date?

    "I''m off at 5, and no, I don''t have any plans." What are you doing Tabitha!

    "Great! Let me take you out then! Can you put your contact info in?" He hands me his phone with such ease. My shaky hands take the phone from him, and slowly, I start to add in my name and phone number.

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    "Well Tabitha, I''ll pick you up on Thursday then around 6:00. I''ll call you later this week so I can get your address." There he goes with his cute eye smile again. Fuck, what have I done now?

    ? ? ?

    Now normally I like the week to go by as quickly as possible, but not for this week. It seemed like Thursday had all of a sudden snuck up on me. As I was on the train heading home, I got a call from Hinata, "Hey Tabitha! Could you let me know your address? I''ll still come and pick you up at 6:00."

    "Oh, uh, Hi Hinata! Would it be easier for me to just text you the address?"

    "No, that''s okay. I have a surprisingly good memory." Hinata chuckled on the other end. And so I gave him my address, and parted ways by saying, we''ll see each other soon.

    After I got off the train, I walked at a very fast pace realizing I had only 30 minutes to get ready. Earlier in the day, I scrolled through Pinterest trying to find some cute outfit ideas, and of course all the outfits they showed me - I knew I had none of that available at home. Okay, calm down Tabitha! Let''s fix your hair first and apply some makeup. We''ll figure out the outfit afterwards.

    10 minutes left and I still don''t know what I''m wearing. Okay, breathe! I''ll just go for a casual black T-shirt dress with some red flats, and a denim jean jacket. I don''t think I should worry about the weather too much, in September it still gets pretty warm in Tokyo.

    As I was just finishing up a few things, I heard my phone going off. I hesitantly picked up the phone, "Hello?". Hinata''s voice was on the other end, not sure who else I would''ve been expecting, "Hey! I think I''m at the right place." I told him I would be down in just a minute and quickly hung up. Could I be any more rude?

    I swiftly ran out of my apartment so I wouldn''t have to keep him waiting any longer. I walked outside and could see a car with its hazard lights on. The vehicle was just as I expected it to be, something you would probably see from a Fast and Furious movie. The windows were so tinted that I wasn''t even sure if this was Hinata''s car, but there were no other cars around so I had to assume it was his. Suddenly the passenger side window rolled down, and a voice called out, "Tabitha!". Yep, this was Hinata''s car.

    I opened up the passenger side door and slid myself in. Quickly fastening my seatbelt I then faced towards Hinata.

    "I''m glad you were able to find the place okay. Hopefully it wasn''t too difficult for you."

    "No, not at all. I kind of recognized the area so it wasn''t too bad."

    I nodded my head stiffly.

    "Is there any place you want to go?" Hinata asked me this question as he started to put the car into drive.

    "Ummm, I''m okay with whatever you want. I don''t really go out that much, so I''m not really sure what''s around here." I tried saying this as light-heartedly as I could, but I think the annoyance showed just a little bit.

    "I''m sorry Tabitha, I know I''m the one that asked you out on a date, but here I am asking you where you want to go." Hinata quietly laughed at what he had said. Then without missing a beat, Hinata called out, "I have a place!"

    So just like that, away we went, driving into the city lights of Tokyo.

 Chapter 5

    I always loved seeing Tokyo at night. I never considered myself to be much of a rural girl, more of a "city slicker", as my mom would like to call it. I remembered I visited New York once, in my early 20s, and I instantly fell in love with the city lights, and the way people were hustling just trying to reach their destinations. After that one visit in New York, I knew I wanted to live in the city, but growing up in The States and wanting to live in the city was a bit of a challenge. It''s a lot more expensive in The States and if you want a good paying job, you better expect to have a good education. I thought about this as Hinata was driving, I could hear a faint voice in the background.

    "Did you hear me?"

    "Oh! Uh, I''m sorry! I must have gotten lost in my thoughts." Hinata grinned at this.

    "You don''t go out much do you?"

    "Is it that obvious?" I chuckled, knowing he was absolutely right.

    "Ah! She smiles!" I felt my cheeks burning up. Hinata continued with, "You know you do have a really pretty smile." How long has it been since I received a compliment from the opposite sex? Hinata must''ve noticed the embarrassment written on my face, "I''m sorry I''m not trying to make you uncomfortable. I just think you look really cute when you get bashful."

    I better respond so that way we can end this conversation, "N-no it''s okay! I guess I just don''t take compliments well." And just like that Hinata looked over with his cute eye smile and didn''t say another word until we arrived at the destination.

    Hinata pulled his car into the parking space that was located behind a building. Once we both got out of the car and started walking towards a restaurant, I thought to myself aloud, "I haven''t been to this part of Tokyo." My outside thought must''ve been louder than I presumed, because Hinata responded with a cheery tone, "You haven''t been to this side of Tokyo?"

    "O-oh no I haven''t."

    "Well maybe after dinner we can walk around a bit." There he goes with that eye smile again.

    As we entered the restaurant, it felt like Hinata was a celebrity. The whole restaurant immediately greeted Hinata and quickly called out someone from the back. Out of the back came a rather short older Japanese man, with a few missing teeth. "HINATA!", the short man shouted so loudly. Hinata shouted right back at the man swinging him in for a hug, "KIYOSHI!". They both started howling with laughter at their greeting.

    After their hugs and fits of laughter, Hinata asked Kiyoshi, "Sei-san, 2-ri-y¨­ no t¨¥buru wa arimasu ka?"

    "Nan demo shimasu yo!". Kiyoshi was still laughing as we started heading over to a booth located in the corner of the restaurant. We sat down and Kiyoshi immediately started up conversation with Hinata, "Au no wa dono kurai furidesu ka ne?"

    "6-Kagetsu ij¨­deshou!" Whatever Hinata said must''ve baffled Kiyoshi because the expression on his face seemed shocked, but also a little hurt. "Aikawarazu genki-s¨­desu ne! And you brought a lady friend too!" I was taken aback suddenly when I started hearing English, not so much at what was said. Hinata chuckled at Kiyoshi and finally introduced me, "Ah Kiyoshi, this is Tabitha-san". I did a quick bow and so did he, but with much more ease.

    Kiyoshi asked what we wanted for drinks, Hinata decided for the both of us to order a bottle of sake. I hated sake, but I did not protest and instead just gave a slight smile. Before Kiyoshi could walk away Hinata reached back his arm and grabbed Kiyoshi''s. Kiyoshi had a bit of a frightened look on his face when Hinata grabbed him so suddenly, "We''re ready to order too", Hinata said this with a grin on his face. Kiyoshi''s expression changed to a sigh of relief, "Oh ok ok!" I started first with the fried egg yakisoba. Hinata decided to order the okonomiyaki, which surprised me because that type of dish is on the sweeter side. After placing our orders, Kiyoshi took off to the kitchen. I decided then to start the conversation for once.

    "So okonomiyaki?" This was going to bug me and I needed an answer.

    Hinata busted out laughing, "You caught on to that huh? I just really like the texture and savoriness of it. Wouldn''t you agree that it''s delicious?"

    "Yeah I mean it''s pretty good, I just didn''t strike you as a guy that would order that kind of thing on a first date. I guess."

    "Oh is that it? What kind of thing would you have expected me to order then?"

    "Hmmm, something with a lot of meat I guess." Hinata found what I had said much funnier than I thought, which made me laugh a little at his reaction. While in the middle of this laughing session, I hadn''t realized, but the sake was delivered to our table, and next thing I know Hinata is grabbing the bottle to pour my drink.

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    "No, please! Allow me to pour your drink." I frantically said while reaching for the bottle in his hands. He pulled the bottle further back from my reach, "I''m not really into the whole ''Japanese drinking etiquette'' unless I''m with colleagues, so don''t worry yourself." I slowly started lowering myself back down into my seat, if he says so then I''m not going to argue. Hinata poured both of our drinks and we did a toast, "Kompai!" While clinking our glass against one another.

    We made small talk while we were casually drinking sake and waiting for our food to be served. Everytime I took a shot of the sake my face would make this God awful cringe. Hinata finally pointed it out, "You live in Japan, but don''t like sake?"

    "To be honest, no I don''t. Anything other than sake."

    "Why didn''t you say something?"

    "It''s fine now."

    "Yeah, but every time you take a sip, the expression on your face looks like you want to die."

    I burst out laughing from this comment, and that''s how I knew the sake was getting to me. Hinata joined in on the laughter!

    "And she laughs too!" Hinata called out.

    "I smile and laugh just like anyone else. You know I''m not a robot."

    "Annnd now it looks like you''re pouting! I guess I should give you sake more often!"

    I rolled my eyes jokingly at his remark, "Whatever."

    The evening continued on rather enjoyably, probably because of the sake. After we were done eating a waiter came to grab our food, and asked if we wanted any dessert. Hinata ignored the waiter''s question, and asked for the bill instead, with the waiter promptly turning around to grab our bill for the drinks and food. However, paying for the bill became a little bit of a hassle because I insisted on paying for half of mine, and Hinata said that it wouldn''t be very good of him to let the woman pay, especially on a first date.

    After a heated debate on deciding who would pay the bill, alas, Hinata won. Kiyoshi came back out for a final time to say goodbye to Hinata and me. "Nice meeting you Tabitha. Hope to see you again soon." He said this with a little smirk on his face while giving a wink to Hinata. I giggled as Hinata suddenly was acting like a teenage boy. It was kind of endearing.

    As we made our way outside, I started walking toward the car, expecting Hinata to do the same when I heard him calling from behind, "Where are you going? I said we were going to walk afterwards. Are you too drunk to remember?" Hinata cracked himself up on that one.

    "Where exactly are we going to walk to?" I said this as I started trying to catch up to Hinata, who had already started walking without me.

    "Do we need a destination?"

    "I mean, I guess not. You lead the way then, sir."

    "Whoa! Sir?" I giggled as I knew that would probably bother him.

    "Okay, okay. I may be older than you, but it can''t be by that much."

    "If you''re trying to ask me my age without actually asking me, you''re doing a terrible job."

    "A guy can try, right?"

    It felt much later, but when I checked my phone it was only 10:30. This area seems so desolate, and you wouldn''t think you were in Tokyo being here.

    "What part of Tokyo are we in anyways?"

    "Chuo City. This part is at the center of Tokyo''s 23 wards. It''s considered an old ''town''." Hinata was explaining this to me as I tried seeing how any of this was old. It all looked very modern to me. Then, without warning, I felt something fall into my shoulders. Startled by this, I jumped back.

    "Whoa! Sorry! I didn''t mean to startle you Tabitha!" Oh, that was Hinata.

    "What were you trying to do just now?"

    "I''m sorry. It seemed like the right moment." Oh, he was trying to put his arm around me. My mind is telling me no, but the sake is saying, "Go for it!"

    I snuck back closer to Hinata, giving him the okay. Hinata smiled, and for the second attempt, reached his arm out around my shoulder. We walked side-by-side like this for about 30 minutes, not saying much to each other, until we got back to the car.

    The drive back home felt long, the alcohol was wearing off and the drowsiness started taking over. I couldn''t keep my eyes open any longer, as hard as I tried, but ultimately failed. The next time I woke up was when Hinata turned the car off.

    "We''re here." Hinata said. I looked around, recognizing the surroundings, we''re already back at my apartment.

    "I''m sorry. I must have fallen asleep."

    "That''s okay. You looked cute sleeping so I didn''t want to wake you."

    I hope he doesn''t see my grin right now.

    "Well thank you for tonight. I had a nice time."

    "Thank you for letting me take you out."

    Why does the air feel weird in the car right now? I needed to think fast, "Well, I guess I''ll see you at work tomorrow." As I started reaching my hand out for the door handle, Hinata spoke up, "Can I take you out again?"

    "Really? Why?" God, do I need to sound that insecure about myself?

    "I kind of like you Tabitha, and I want to get to know you more too. Not just at work, but outside of it."

    "Oh, I see." I pondered these thoughts for a second until Hinata interrupted.

    "If you don''t want to, I can understand, but I would really like another chance then, if that''s the case."

    "N-no I do. It''s just... Hmm, how do I say this? I have a lot of baggage." There goes the liquor talking, "I just haven''t done this kind of thing in awhile an-"

    "I can be patient." Even with the soft blue glow from the dashboard, I could see that eye smile again.

    "Okay, let''s go on another date."

    "That makes me happy to hear. As much as I want to plan out our next date, you should probably get to bed."

    "Oh, right. Uh well, we''ll talk again soon. Have a good night."

    "You too Tabitha."

    I stepped out of the car and started walking towards the front door of my apartment building. I heard the car drive off between the surrounding buildings, as it slowly started fading away. After such a long night I did not feel like taking a shower, I''ll just take one in the morning. I brushed my teeth, removed my makeup, put on more comfortable clothes, and started laying down in bed. I was so exhausted that I didn''t have much time to think about what had happened this evening. My eyelids are unable to stay open, and as I started drifting in the dreamland, his face came into my mind. I missed him so much. He is the only person that truly understood me. I felt the tears forming, but before they could fall down my cheek, I had drifted into the subconscious.

 Chapter 6

    Japan in October has the best weather. It''s in the Goldilocks zone, not too hot, but not too cold, just right. You can really start seeing autumn with the leaf''s on the trees slowly changing to a warmer color and quietly falling onto the floor.

    I''ve been living in Japan for half a year now and working at Cher¨© cher¨© for two months. Even though I don''t want to admit it, I guess Hinata and I have been "dating" for almost a month. At least that''s what he keeps saying. It''s been pretty casual for the most part, but he definitely doesn''t hide it while we''re working. He hasn''t stopped talking to me less and he blatantly flirts with me in front of the girls. The hostesses don''t say much to me anymore, I don''t know if that''s because I''m dating Hinata, which technically he''s their boss, but he''s also my boss too. I think that maybe they think he gives me special treatment, which he doesn''t. I still have to work the days I''m scheduled and I don''t leave until I''m off. Even Cho has been less quiet around me, until one day when it was just us two in the back, she started up a conversation.

    "Tabi-san, are you busy after work?"

    "Uh, no. I mean it''ll be a bit late, but I''m not busy."

    "Let''s go to an izakaya after we''re off. Just me and you." I felt like I had no choice in this matter, so I agreed to it. Now I had to figure out how to tell Hinata this because he was usually my ride home. Before we started dating, I would just take a ride share since most of the stations were already closed by the time I was off. I never asked him to give me a ride in the first place, but he insisted since we''re dating that he would feel better about it.

    Hinata was out in the back alley smoking with Todoroki. I must''ve interrupted something important when I opened the door, because both of them suddenly got silent.

    "Hey, sorry! Is this a bad time?"

    Hinata smiled, "Of course not Tabitha. Do you need something?"

    Todoroki stood there looking down at his phone, not leaving anytime soon.

    "I-I just wanted to let you know I''m going out with Cho after work."

    "Oh?" Hinata''s expression changed to a surprise look, one that I hadn''t seen before.

    "Yeah, ummm, I think she just wants to hang out. We haven''t had girl time in a while."

    "How are you getting home?" Hinata said this with such a serious tone, it kind of startled me.

    "I''ll just take a ride share." Hinata stared me down, quietly, and that scared me a bit. The air felt so still, I didn''t know what Hinata was going to say next. It almost felt like he wanted me to cancel my plans. I felt the back of my neck getting hot, why was he doing this? Suddenly he spoke up, "That''s fine. Can you just keep me updated please?" And just like that, his expression changed back to a smile, but not his usual eye smile. This felt more forced. After that odd confrontation with Hinata, I shut the back door so that they could continue whatever they were doing before. I didn''t want to look into it too much on why he was acting that way, maybe he''s just being protective. I quickly shook my head, as if doing so would get rid of the thoughts faster.

    Later on, once the club closed down around 1:00 a.m., Cho and I met in the front of the building. We started walking in sync, without saying a word to each other. I didn''t want it to be like this between us, and I want to believe she felt the same way, and still, that 6 minute walk felt like a lifetime. We arrived at the izakaya, it was well hidden due to the fact that it was inside a building with other restaurants and bars. We walked inside and took our seats, the server greeted Cho and asked her where the other girls were at? I''m assuming they all must come here frequently after work. Cho had ordered a rather large meal, grilled rice cake with a small bottle of Asahi. I wasn''t very hungry, and honestly I didn''t want to eat, but I did not want to be rude either. I picked the first thing I saw on the menu which was, pork ginger-grilled koppe with a small bottle of Asahi as well. Since there weren''t that many people inside, The waiter was able to get our drinks quickly, and informed us it would be about 15 minutes for the food.

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    Cho and I sat there sipping on our beer, not saying much to one another. After what felt like an eternity, Cho finally spoke up.

    "So, are you and Hinata dating?"

    "Wow, you''re just getting straight to the point huh?"

    "I don''t mean to sound rude. It''s just... A lot of the girls have been talking about it at work. I wanted to see how you were handling it."

    I can''t believe she''s bringing this up! After how long has it been since she talked to me? I didn''t want my annoyance to show, but I couldn''t hold it in.

    "You and the girls at work decide to ostracize me after I start dating Hinata, and now you want to be buddies again? And what exactly do you mean by ''handling it''?"

    "Dewa shiranai ndesu ka?"

    "What do you mean I don''t know...? I guess not because I''m kind of lost here!"

    "Hinata is part of the Yakuza!" Cho shouted this louder than she wanted to, because she slightly lowered her head down, as if afraid someone might''ve heard her.

    "The Yakuza? You''re joking, right? I mean I know there''s all those rumors about Yakuza stuff going on arou-"

    "Those aren''t rumors! And you should really be careful with him! With any of the Yakuza!" I sat there, stunned by what I was hearing. I didn''t know what to say with all this information that was given to me. I started to feel panicky, but I wanted to keep my cool in front of Cho. Cho spoke up again, "You know that necklace you always wear? The one you''re wearing right now. I know you don''t really talk about it, but you are married once, right?" Oh no... What is she talking about now? "When I used to come to your house, to get my makeup done, there was one time where you had a phone call and you left the room. You took longer than expected so I started walking around your place. Most of your stuff is still in boxes and there was one that stuck out to me. It looked like it had been opened and closed numerous times..." Please stop talking Cho! I could feel my heartbeat pounding, like it was going to be ripped out of my chest. "... I found a picture of you and another guy. You looked so happy. I just don''t want to see you get hurt, Tabi-san!" Anything Cho said after that became muffled sounding. I didn''t want to hear this! My palms were sweating and I felt nauseous, like I was going to start dry heaving. Please stop talking. Please stop talking. Please stop talking. "PLEASE STOP TALKING!"

    Everything became quiet at once. I looked around me and realized I had said that out loud. "Why did you go through my stuff?" I mumbled.

    "I''m sorry Tabi-san! I was just curious and you never talk about anyth-"

    "Exactly! I don''t talk about things for a reason and you don''t go through other people''s stuff! I don''t care if he''s part of the Yakuza! I know maybe you didn''t think this, but I thought we might have been friends except friends don''t do this shit!" I reached into my purse and grabbed what cash I had and threw it onto the table. "Here''s the fucking money for dinner!" I got up and started running towards the door, I could hear Cho calling for me, but I did not bother turning around.

    I needed to get out of this area. I needed to run, so I started running. I didn''t know where I was going, but I didn''t care. Why did she bring that up? Why did she go through my stuff? If she had just told me then, or maybe talked to me sooner. I''m not the bad person here and I reacted within reason. I don''t care that he''s part of the Yakuza. I''m not a bad person. I wanted to be friends with her. She''s the only person that actually talked to me before I met Hinata. I just want to be happy again. I kept having to wipe my eyes while running because the tears kept coming. I want to die right now. I couldn''t run any longer and so I collapsed. I don''t know where I''m at, but it feels like I''m laying in grass. I went into the fetal position, clenching my chest. I laid there, for I don''t know how long. I couldn''t do anything, I couldn''t move or talk.

    Suddenly, I felt arms around me, lifting me up from the grass. I didn''t look up, but I recognized the scent. It smelled like Hinata. I wonder if he was the one carrying me right now. I think I saw his mouth moving, except nothing was coming out, no noise at all. I nestled my face into his chest, and hoped that this bad dream would soon go away.

 Chapter 7

    It hurt to open my eyes the next morning. They felt swollen shut, and it didn''t help that I had the worst migraine. I didn''t even want to know what time it was, but I could tell it was late in the day. How did I get home last night? I vaguely remember lying down in the grass somewhere... Oh, that''s right. Someone picked me up, but who was it again? Trying to conjure up these memories felt like a wild night of partying from the night before, and trying to remember what you had done. It''s like I blacked out. Instantly, I heard my phone vibrating on the floor, I rolled over to look at who was calling me. It was Hinata. I didn''t really want to talk to him, or anyone for that matter, but I''m sure I worried him enough already.

    I picked up the call, "Hey..."

    "Jesus Tabitha! Are you okay? You had me freaking out last night!"

    "I-I know... I''m really sorry." I said this as if I was a dog being lectured by their owner.

    It was silent on the other end. I took the phone away from my face just to make sure he didn''t hang up, but he was still on the line.

    Hinata finally spoke up, "I don''t want you going into work today. I already told Todo."

    "What? It''s fine! I can go in."

    "No-no, you can''t go in. I''m going to come over to your place and make you food, okay?"

    "Yeah, but what about the girls? Who''s going to do their hair an-"

    "I''m sure they''ll manage. I''ll be over in about an hour." Before I could protest, Hinata hung up on me. Fuck, that means I''m going to have to explain everything. Everything that Cho said to me. Him being part of the Yakuza and my dead husband. I sat there in bed with my hands covering my face and let out a big sigh. Fuck, I guess I should get ready.

    ? ? ?

    After I was done taking a shower, I quickly tried to clean up my apartment, however I gave up halfway through. I realized if Hinata was the one that dropped me off last night then he''s already seen what a mess the place is. As I sat there at the kitchen table, pondering on how I was going to talk to him about everything, I heard a knock at the door. The knock sounded like a cop knock, which alarmed me for a second. I rushed over to the front door and opened it. Hinata was standing there, looking even more handsome than usual. I never paid much attention to what Hinata was wearing, he normally just wore suits all the time, which always made me feel super underdressed, except today he looked really casual. He was wearing a black oversized button down with cuffed black jeans, and a pair of black Birkenstocks on.

    I nodded my head gently, gesturing for him to come inside. He had two bags, one in each hand, full of what looked like meat, vegetables, and beer. I started helping him take out the contents of the bag, but he stopped me.

    "Don''t worry about helping. Just chill out and I''ll let you know when dinner is ready."

    "... But you''re the guest. I should help."

    He cupped his right hand onto my face and looked me in the eyes, "Just chill out, okay?" He gave me what looked like a pity smile. I nodded and sat down on my bed. The thing about my apartment is that my bedroom is also a part of the kitchen, so I just sat there watching him prepare dinner.

    It was mesmerizing watching him prepare everything. I had never been much of a cook, nor did I ever plan on learning how to. Obviously I know how to make the basics, but for the most part I usually just order take-out, which I always got lectured for from my mom. Even Hinata made a comment to himself at one point saying, "Who doesn''t have sesame seed oil?" He was right, I wasn''t a very responsible adult.

    I started to lie down as I still kept my gaze on Hinata. I wasn''t sure how long this was going to take, but I still felt tired from the night before. Maybe if I just rest my eyes for a few minutes, I''ll appear a little more awake. I closed my eyes, trying not to focus on the different food smells in the air.

    I bolted up from my sleep. It had only seemed like 5 minutes before I heard Hinata call out, "Dinners ready!". Still in a state of grogginess, I managed to stand up and wobble over to the table. I sat down and breathed in the smell of dinner.

    "It smells good. Thanks for making food."

    "It''s not a problem. Do you want a beer?"

    "Yeah, sure. What''d you make exactly?"

    As Hinata was grabbing our drinks from the fridge, he started explaining how his mom used to make this dish all the time when he was a kid.

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    "It''s called Nikujaga. She didn''t make it all the time, only when I was feeling sad."

    "That''s really sweet of her. Do you still talk to her?"

    "Actually, no. She passed away a while ago."

    "O-oh... I''m sorry to hear that."

    "It''s okay. It was a long time ago."

    "Do you have any siblings?"

    "Blood related? No. However, I do have people in my life that are like brothers to me." It had occurred to me that I didn''t really know much about Hinata''s background. I don''t even know where he''s from, what he does for a living, except according to Cho, he''s in the Yakuza, but really everything else is kind of a mystery. Out of habit, I shook my head, trying to get rid of the thoughts. Hinata noticed and before he could say anything, I spoke up, "This is really good!"

    "I''m glad you like it. I hope it makes you feel better too Tabitha." I smiled looking down at my food. If he is part of the Yakuza, he''s probably one of the nicest ones out there.

    We both finished up our eating and sat there at the table in silence. Hinata was playing with a beer cap bottle, while I just twirled around the last piece of carrot on my plate. Hinata broke the silence, "Are you going to tell me what happened last night?" Still looking down at the carrot on my plate, I shrugged my shoulders like a little kid pouting, "I don''t know." I mumbled.

    "Cho''s the one that told me you ran off."

    "She did?" I was shocked by this. I didn''t think Cho would''ve said something to him, after everything she said last night.

    "Yeah she did. She told me that you guys got into an argument and you took off running. That''s how I found you in the field."

    "Oh..."

    "What did you guys talk about that led to an argument?" Shit. I don''t want to bring this up, except I don''t think he''s going to let this go so easily.

    "I don''t know. I mean, she said something about you and about my personal life, and I got upset."

    "So what did she say?"

    I didn''t want to sound serious, so I tried explaining it as if it were a joke, "She said you were part of the Yakuza. I didn''t believe her! I don''t know why she would say that."

    Hinata was quiet. I glanced over at him to see what his expression was and he looked deep in thought. I continued to explain last night, "I don''t really talk about my past. I find I have a really difficult time opening up to people and accepting how things are." I scooched back my chair and sat up. Hinata looked up at me with a confused look, "Stay here please. I need to show you something." I walked over to a moving box that had seen better days. I hesitated on opening the box, but knew I had to do this. There on the top of many memories, a photo lay there. I focused on the person in the picture and thought back to happier times. Before I get lost in the past, I walk back over to the table and gave Hinata the photo. I sat back down and examined Hinata as he peered over the image.

    "That''s my husband- I mean ''was'' my husband. It''ll be a year in November since he''s been gone." I felt my lips getting dry as I explained this to Hinata, "I hate driving in the rain, but he never had a problem with it... Unfortunately, that got him into an accident. We uhm... Had only been married for 6 mont-" My voice started cracking. I could sense tears sliding down my cheek and onto the table. I didn''t bother to wipe them away. I didn''t want to hide them.

    While looking closely at the photo, Hinata finally said, "What was his name?"

    "Ummm... James."

    "You look so different, but happy." I didn''t say anything to his remark. It just made me sob more. I tried to stay quiet, but I couldn''t hold it in any longer. I haven''t opened up like this to anyone in what felt like forever. I put my hands over my face and wailed out what I had been holding in for so long. Instantaneously Hinata got up from his chair and reached his arms around my head, stroking my hair. He kept repeating that things were going to be okay and that it was okay to cry. I wanted to believe him, I really did, except I don''t know if I can ever feel happiness again. It''ll never be quite the same as it was before.

    Hinata ushered me over to my bed. I was still crying and just like how it was in the field, I curled into the fetal position, crying into my pillow instead of the grass. Hinata rubbed my back and sat there silently, as I cried every tear that I could.

    I''m not sure how much time had passed, but at some point the tears stopped and I just laid there sniffling. Hinata finally got a word in, "I''ll make you some tea." As soon as he was sitting up, I grabbed onto his arm. "Can you lay with me, for just a little bit?" I''m not sure what had gotten into me, maybe I just needed Hinata to hold me, or anyone. He climbed over gracefully on the other side of the mattress. I did not want to stare at him directly, so I continued to face the open space in my apartment, holding onto my pillow, as though if I were to let go of it, it would disappear forever.

    I could feel the weight of the mattress steep down more as Hinata got more comfortable. I didn''t know what to say to him and I''m sure he felt the same way too. I needed to say something, except Hinata beat me to it, "How are you?"

    With a dry chuckle, I responded with, "I''ve been better."

    "That''s good at least."

    "I suppose."

    "Can I ask you another question?"

    "Ok."

    "What if I was in the Yakuza? Would you treat me differently?" I contemplated the question. Would I actually care? Before Cho had told me, I never noticed anything off before, or maybe I just ignored it. Would I treat him differently? Still not facing Hinata, I answered his question, "I don''t think I''ll mind. I''m not sure if I''m just saying this because I''m tired, but I think I''ll be okay with it."

    "Okay, because I like you Tabitha. A lot. I want to be your shoulder to cry on." I breathed in a big sigh, as I tried to hold back the tears from coming again.

    "Hey Hinata?"

    "Yeah?"

    "Can you hold me please?" Without saying another word, he reached his arm around my chest. I could feel his light breathing on the back of my neck and smell his cologne even more so. He cuffed his hand onto mine and it fit so perfectly as our fingers intertwined with each other. I wanted to stay awake like this a while longer, however my body said otherwise. All the crying that was done from earlier has finally taken its toll. I slowly started growing in and out of consciousness, and eventually escaped reality.

 Chapter 8

    During the dead of night, I had woken up to find that Hinata had left at some point. While rubbing my eyes with my knuckles, my sight started to adjust to the dark lit room. There was just enough light from the moon outside to shine a path from the window to the kitchen. I stumbled across the tiny space that was available for me, and grabbed a bottle of water that was left out from earlier. I chugged it down so fast, that by the time I was finished with it, I had let out a big huff of air. What is going to happen now with Hinata? Did I like him as much as he liked me? Is it because I''m lonely? Another thought had occurred to me, and so I walked back over to my phone to check the time. It was 3:21 a.m. and that meant it had to be at least noon in California. In my time of crisis, The only person I could really rely on was my mom. I decided to call her to see what she might have thought about my situation. And just as expected, she picked up right away.

    "Hey honey! What time is it?"

    I started yawning as soon as she asked that question, "Too late."

    "Is everything okay?" I really hate when she asks me that, because she knows I''m not okay, and most likely, I''ll start crying.

    "Ummm... No, not really. There''s just a lot going on." She stayed silent on the other end, waiting for me to spill my guts.

    "Did I tell you I started dating someone?"

    "No! Oh my god! Really?" She seemed genuinely happy about this.

    "Y-yeah... I mean, it''s weird. I mean, it''s not weird. I guess I''m just being weird about it."

    "There''s nothing wrong with that. Do they know everything?"

    "Yup." I let out a big sigh, "I told them-I mean him, yesterday."

    "How did ''he'' react?"

    "Supportive. He didn''t seem to mind. Maybe that was because I was bawling my eyes out. It was embarrassing."

    "Don''t feel any shame in that Tabitha! You are human and you have feelings too."

    "I-I know. I''m sorry. I''m just trying to wrap my head around the whole thing."

    "So what are you thinking about then?"

    "Am I allowed to do this? Am I allowed to be happy?" Mom was silent on the other end. I can''t imagine being a mother and having to hear your daughter sound so depressed.

    "Tabitha, I''m going to say this again. Before you decide to make someone else happy, make sure you focus on your own happiness. I know you''re smart and I know you know that, and with everything that''s happened... It''s really shitty, but you know James wouldn''t want to see you like this. I love you so much! I just want you to be happy." Trying not to cry, I mustered out the words, "Thank you."

    "You know, as much as I love to talk to you and as much as I miss you to death, it''s 3:00 in the morning for you and you should probably get back to sleep. If you can''t fall back asleep just call me, okay?"

    "Yeah. Okay. I love you Mom."

    "Love you too sweetie. Good night!"

    I crawled back into bed and threw the covers on me. My mom''s voice popped into my head, as I started closing my eyes, "... make sure you focus on your own happiness..." It''s such a simple phrase, but so difficult to put into action. I thought that moving to Japan would''ve made me feel happier, however it''s just made me more confused and depressed. Do I need change again? I can''t go back to the states, at least not yet. Maybe I need a vacation away from Japan, and maybe Hinata might want to go on one with me. Even though I''ve been working on finding my happiness again for a long time, I should just try to start over again and take it in small strides. Yeah, that''s what I''ll do.

    ? ? ?

    This story originates from Royal Road. Ensure the author gets the support they deserve by reading it there.

    I''ve never been good with confrontation, if anything, I hated it. I don''t want to deal with the tension between myself and the other person, meaning Cho. I want to just quit my job as a makeup artist, but Hinata convinced me not to. As I was stepping off the train, I could feel a sharp breeze which caused my hair to spiral upwards. It almost felt that the Kamaitachi was warning me from getting off the train. As much as I wanted to believe in the y¨­kai folklore, I knew I had to speak to Cho eventually.

    I stood in the alley, staring at the back door as though it might open by itself if I had stared at it any longer. I took a breath of air and gently pulled the door open. Everyone was chatting amongst themselves, not noticing that I walked in. I started grabbing my brushes and pallets out of my backpack, when I heard my name being called out, "Tabi-san!" I recognized the voice and turned around. Cho came rushing towards me, she looked upset, and I was ready to get my defenses up when she came in for a hug. I was taken aback by this! Why is she hugging me? What did Hinata tell Todo?

    "Tabi-san, are you okay?" She quietly spoke into my neck, while her arms still clung around me.

    "I-I''m fine Cho... Are you okay?"

    Ignoring my question, she continued with concern raised in her voice, "I was so worried about you! I didn''t know what to do an-and I didn¡ª"

    "Cho it''s okay!" I pushed her back lightly, while making eye contact, "I''m sorry I worried you so much..."

    "I shouldn''t have said all those things at once and-and..." I needed to interrupt her because I felt all the eyes in the room were on us.

    "Cho, l-let''s talk about this later. Ok?" She seemed to have caught on because she replied with a slight nod.

    The night continued with no interruptions, and with the occasional hostess running to the back needing help with their hair or makeup. It felt intimate, like nothing had happened with me missing a day of work or Cho and I getting into an argument. It was peaceful and I enjoyed it. At one point, Cho came up to me and asked if we could hang out during the week. I must''ve given an anxious look, because she immediately put her hands up in an apologetic wave and said, "No, no! Not like that! Just hanging out, girl time. Nothing serious." I agreed to hang out with her, and told her to just call me when she wanted to meet up.

    Hinata didn''t come in until closer to closing time, and found me in the back alley vaping away.

    "Did Cho talk to you?" He asked this with apprehension in his voice.

    "Yeah, she did. We''re fine now." I paused for a moment, "Thank you again Hinata." Looking up at him, he gave me his cute eye smile and drew me in for an embrace. I embraced him back and took in the smell of his familiar cologne, it was nice and I always appreciated his warm hugs. At the same time we both looked at one another, while still wrapped in each other''s arms. I''m not sure how it happened, but in the next instance our lips were touching. The kiss felt wet and hot, except it felt strange. I didn''t want to pull away, but I didn''t want to continue either. I hadn''t kissed anyone since James left and I''m not even sure if I know how to do it, nevertheless I was still kissing Hinata.

    The kiss started going on longer than expected, then suddenly I felt the slip of his tongue. I pushed away from him, not meaning to push as hard as I did. He looked at me stunned, "Sorry! I didn''t mean to do that without asking!" I felt myself flustered by the whole situation and I didn''t want Hinata to think that this was his fault, "N-no! It''s fine. I''m-I''m sorry! I was just taken aback by the whole thing. It''s been awh-"

    "I understand. You don''t need to explain yourself." He gave me a reassuring smile, which made me feel at ease. Hinata continued the conversation, "Since work is slow, do you want me to drive you home now?"

    "Yeah, that should be fine."

    The car ride back was quiet, which meant I just got lost in my thoughts more. Why couldn''t I have enjoyed that kiss more? Do I feel like I''m betraying James? Like my mom said, I need to find my happiness first. I think Hinata makes me happy, but there was always something off, like I didn''t see the bigger picture. It felt as though something was missing and I couldn''t pinpoint it. Maybe I just needed to force myself a bit more, put myself out there.

    I''m not sure when we had arrived back to my place, but all of a sudden, we were parked outside of my apartment building. I sat in the car for a minute, thinking about what to say to Hinata, but he talked first, "I''m sorry again about earlier Tabitha. I didn''t mean to make you uncomfortable." God, stop apologizing to me. This isn''t your fault, this is my fault. That''s what I wanted to say at least.

    "No-no don''t worry about it. I liked it. I guess I was just thrown off. That''s all." I attempted to give him a comforting smile. He smiled at me back and said, "Well, I''ll see you tomorrow then."

    "Yeah... See you tomorrow." I grabbed the handle and started opening the door, however without thinking, I turned my body rapidly and threw myself at Hinata to give him a kiss goodnight.

    He must''ve looked as shocked as I did because I immediately started babbling, "Uhh... Okay... Well, goodnight." Before he could say anything else, I jumped out of the car and shut the door, and started walking towards the front door of the apartment building. I''m so glad it''s night time because my face is probably bright red right now. As I got into the elevator, I felt my phone vibrating, a text from Hinata:

    "You are so cute :)"

    I tucked my face into the corner of the elevator and started smiling like an idiot. Is this what it feels like to be infatuated?

 Chapter 9

    The weather is starting to get colder in Tokyo, which was a sign that the days were going to become shorter and the nights longer. I used to love this time of year back in California, but I''ve grown to despise it. There were numerous reasons for my hate of cold weather, but one of them being the rain. The rain reminded me of James, which meant his death anniversary was coming up. I tried to not think about it, but I received so many messages and calls from friends and families that they made it hard to ignore.

    Other than the reminder of my dead husband, my life in Japan has been better. Me and Cho hang out more and talk a lot about our personal lives. I''ve unquestionably opened up to her greatly in a longer period of time. She seems to be understanding of my situation now, nevertheless I know she still doesn''t respect me and Hinata dating. I never questioned her about her hate for him, and so I''ve avoided the subject of Hinata all together with her.

    As for me and Hinata, well I think we''re good. He still doesn''t share his personal life, but I don''t blame him, being in the Yakuza I''m sure there are plenty of things he can''t tell me about-and I rather not hear about it. Still, I''m sure not everything is gang related. There has to be some stuff he can tell me. I mean I barely just found out his birthday and that was because it was last week. He jokingly told me "I wasn''t a very good girlfriend." Whatever, he''s not perfect either, but I still do like him a lot. Speaking of liking him a lot, we still haven''t had sex yet. I''m totally content with it, but I do feel bad because he''s been so patient with me. Whenever we start kissing and it starts heating up between us, I start to panic and back out. I''m really glad I found someone who was so calm with me, if I had met me, I would''ve walked out a long time ago.

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    Being that the James anniversary is coming up soon, Hinata told me he wanted to take me to a resort with a spa, to take my mind off it. I told my mom about the trip and she thought it was a lovely idea. I guess if mom approves, then I''ll go for it. I''m looking forward to the trip and haven''t actually done anything like this before with Hinata so we''ll see how it goes.

    ? ? ?

    Now when I thought of a spa resort, I was thinking of some place in Tokyo, but just a few days before leaving, Hinata told me it''s in Okinawa! That''s a whole plane ride! And the place was way too fancy for me! This made me less excited and more nervous about the trip. He kept telling me not to worry about the cost, but how could I not? We haven''t even been dating for a year yet!

    This changed everything and now I needed to figure out something else to pack instead of my usual clothing. I know he was just trying to surprise me, but I don''t need luxury-I prefer to just be comfortable.

    On the day of leaving for Okinawa, we both met up at the airport. I had checked beforehand how long the flight would take and it was longer than I expected, close to 3 hours. I don''t mind airplanes, but it''s just the fact that I''m with Hinata and I''m completely leaving my comfort zone. This is not what I signed up for. I wanted to yell at Hinata, but he seemed so proud of himself that I couldn''t bear to hurt his feelings. I just needed to play it cool this weekend. That was all I could have hoped for.

    Once we got ourselves situated on the airplane, I immediately put my headphones in and forced myself to fall asleep. My nerves were all over the place and I didn''t want Hinata to notice. As the music started to fill my head, it didn''t take long for me to start feeling drowsy. As the plane started to take off, I felt Hinata''s hand resting upon mine. I smiled to myself with my eyes still closed and waited to land in Okinawa.

 Chapter 10

    Well, I''m glad I didn''t yell at Hinata. Okinawa is beautiful! The place looked like I had just walked into a movie, and the resort looked like a place that only high-class people would go to, but here I am standing at the balcony of the hotel room taking in the surreal view.

    Hinata walked up from behind me and put his arms around my waist, "Do you like it?" Without looking at him, I responded in awe, "I love it!" He gave me a kiss on the cheek, "I knew you would, but now you gotta get ready."

    "For what?"

    "I made dinner reservations tonight!"

    "Is the place fancy? Cause I don''t have anything fancy to wear." He chuckled at my response, "I knew you would say that... Sooo, I went ahead and bought you something to wear." He started reaching into a separate bag he had brought him and pulled out a long red satin dress. I was jaw dropped, I didn''t know what to say.

    "Do you like it?"

    "I, uh... What?" This dress looked so expensive and so chic. What was I supposed to say to this?

    "... And before you say, ''I don''t have shoes to wear though.'' I already bought a pair for you. Hopefully they fit you because I was-" I interrupted him with a kiss, "Thank you Hinata... It''s beautiful." God, his eye smile is going to be the death of me.

    I hadn''t worn something this nice in such a long time that it felt good to get dolled up. I slid the red dress on and decided to straighten my hair for once. I applied a smokey brown eyeshadow with a light red lip gloss. The heels were a dark red with a velvet touch to them. I personally did not like wearing heels myself, but that was because I was terrible at walking in them. After I was finished getting ready in the bathroom, I awkwardly stepped out, knowing Hinata was waiting for me. He was standing looking down at his phone until he heard my heels clinking against the floor. He stared at me up and down, his eyes grew large and I could''ve sworn his jaw would''ve dropped onto the floor if it could.

    "Wow... I mean, wow you look amazing!" I felt my cheeks heat up and they probably started matching the color of my dress.

    "Thank you..." I muttered sweetly, casting my eyes away from his. Hinata grabbed a hold of my hand, "Are you ready?" I gave a quick nod of agreement and we headed out of the room to our dinner date.

    The restaurant was amazing, and the food was delicious. Hinata and I talked the whole time, with no quiet time between, and laughed over drinks. After Hinata paid for the bill, we strolled along a pier that had a beautiful view over the water with the moon reflecting on it. I overlooked the vast ocean and I could feel Hinata''s eyes on me. I sheepishly looked over at him, "What are you looking at?" I said this with a slight grin.

    "I was just thinking how beautiful you are."

    "Stop..." I could feel the butterflies swirling around in my stomach.

    "What? It''s true! You are beautiful Tabitha." He gently tucked a lock of hair behind my ear and he continued to smile at me, "It''s getting late, we should head back to the hotel." And so he held me at his side and we walked back to the hotel.

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    As we got closer to the hotel room I started to feel nervous. This vacation felt like a romantic getaway and I know Hinata ordered a room with separate beds, it just felt as though maybe something was going to happen. Like, maybe we were going to have sex. Hinata was getting a bit touchy while we were in the elevator and I wasn''t holding back either, except I couldn''t tell if it was the alcohols doing, or if this was something that I really wanted-drunk or not.

    Just after we got back to our room, I stumbled into the bathroom trying to hype myself up. I think I wanted to do this, no, I know I wanted to do this. Staring at myself in the mirror, I couldn''t recognize myself with all the makeup on. I decided to take a quick shower, freshen myself up a bit. As I looked at my naked self in the mirror, I spoke in a hushed tone, "You can do this." I threw on a bathrobe and walked out of the bathroom.

    Hinata was laying down on his bed looking at his phone, while still wearing his clothes from dinner. He glanced up at me and opened his arm outward, hinting at me to come lay down. I snuggled into his arm and laid my head down on his chest. I could hear his heartbeat at such a calm pace. How was he able to always remain so calm? I wrapped my free arm around his stomach and gently rubbed his sides. With his available hand he started rubbing my back, his touch felt so good that it started making me feel sleepy. He started saying something, but it sounded so muffled.

    "Huh? Did you say something?" I could feel myself getting weary.

    "You should go to bed. You''re probably exhausted."

    "Huh? N-no, I''m fine." Fuck, stay awake Tabitha!

    "You''re so funny." I felt Hinata''s lips on the top of my head, "Go to sleep Tabitha. I''ll wake you up in the morning." I couldn''t hold on any longer. Once again, sleep won, and I lost.

    ? ? ?

    The rest of the weekend went by too fast. I did not want it to end. We did everything that you would do at a spa resort; went to a spa, got massages, ate amazing food, and went to the beach. Of course there is the one thing that we did not do, we did not have sex. When it came to Saturday night, we were so exhausted by the end of the day that when I got out of the shower, Hinata had already passed out. Maybe it just wasn''t meant to be for this weekend. I guess that makes me feel a bit better. It''s not like I don''t want to have sex with him, I mean I do, it''s just complicated I guess.

    Once Sunday morning came around, we packed up our belongings and headed to the airport. Everything kind of went by in a blur and I think both of us were just wanting to be back in Tokyo. At least I wanted to be back in Tokyo. I loved Okinawa, but it''s definitely a place that''s meant for a vacation. Too many tourists, of course coming from the person who''s not even from Japan.

    When we landed back in Tokyo, we kissed each other goodbye and took separate taxis and headed back to our homes. I was glad to be back, I just wanted to be in my own house and bed, even if it wasn''t as glamorous as the hotel, it was still comfortable and that''s the kind of lifestyle I enjoy.

    Finally, I was home. I jumped out of the taxi and grabbed my luggage. I''m pleased I didn''t buy too much stuff in Okinawa because considering I don''t have any decorations in my apartment, I don''t want to keep more stuff packed away in boxes.

    Once I got to the floor my apartment was on, I noticed a woman standing close to wear my room was. I didn''t want to make eye contact, but from what I saw, she looked like an actress. She definitely didn''t belong here so she must be lost, or maybe she''s meeting someone. As I got closer, I occasionally would glance up at her and saw that she kept looking at me. This didn''t feel right, maybe I can get into my apartment fast enough before she says something to me.

    The corridor felt like it was getting longer as I tried reaching my safe space. I could feel her eyes burning into me while I looked down at the floor. Immediately as I got to my door, I fumbled around for my keys in my purse.

    "Anata wa tabithadesu ka?" Do I know this lady? I don''t recognize her at all, still how does she know my name?

    "Ummm, ikaga nasaimashita ka?"

    "You speak English, right?" She said this in such a smug way, that I started getting pissed off.

    "Yes I do! Can I help you?"

    "Yeah you can actually. I''m Hinata''s wife." What did she just say? I don''t think I heard her right.

    "Excuse me?"

    "Judging by your expression, I think you know exactly what I just said... So, are you going to let me in Tabitha?"

 Chapter 11

    I don''t know why I decided to let this lady into my apartment. I know she claimed to be "Hinata''s wife", but she could just be a crazy ex-girlfriend and me being an idiot for letting her into my place.

    She walked inside with such confidence, something Hinata would do, except the only difference was she had this superior aura. She was much taller than me, had short sleek jet-black hair, with rather large round eyes. She wore a long white button down dress that had a tiny waist belt attached to it.

    I asked her if she wanted anything to drink, while looking around my room, she responded with a blunt no. I could tell she was taking everything in, judging my living location. I tried not to let it bother me, except I didn''t know who this woman was and I wanted answers. Before I demanded answers, she finally said something, "My name is Masako... I''ve heard a lot about you Tabitha. You work at Cher¨© cher¨©, right?"

    "Ummm, yes."

    "That''s where you met Hinata, is that correct?"

    "Yes..."

    "I also heard that you''re originally from California. They call it The Sunshine State, right?"

    "It''s actually The Golden¡ª"

    "I don''t really care either way, but you are sleeping with my husband."

    "I-I don''t even know who you are lady, so I''m just gonna have to ask you to¡ª"

    "I''m not going to leave until you get it through your thick skull, so I guess I''ll have to prove it to you." She started touching around on her phone screen at a fast pace.

    "I don''t care! I just want you to-¡ª"

    At that moment, my world had shattered. Masako had lifted her phone up into my face, there I saw Hinata in the picture-standing next to Masako... There were little kids in the photo too, two of them. They had to be around the ages of 10 and 12.

    Masako continues to speak in a smug tone, "We''ve been married for a while now... Those are our kids. You can keep scrolling to see more photos if you want, but from the looks of it, I think you''re finally getting the idea." What? This can''t be true... I wanted to look away from the picture of Hinata standing there looking so happy, except I couldn''t. My eyes were glued to the screen.

    "I''m sure you are aware Hinata is part of the Yakuza. I met him years ago and fell in love with him the first time we met... At the time, I already knew he was in the Yakuza because... Well, I don''t need to get into detail, but our marriage was planned. Your not the first girl Hinata has slept around with, and unfortunately you won''t be the last, but I love Hinata and I won''t jeopardize the clan for Hinata and his stupid urges." I stood there, feeling my knees giving away, however I did not want to look weak in front of her. I needed to be strong.

    Masako continued on, "You know, for most girls I usually make their lives a living hell once I find out, not for you though. I''m going to give you the exception because I heard that you are a widow." Oh no. Please don''t bring this up... "I honestly feel bad for you, it''s kind of pathetic. Maybe you really didn''t know he was married, or maybe you were so lonely that you didn''t want to see the signs and blinded yourself to this fake happiness. Could that be the case?" My knees couldn''t hold on any longer, and I dropped to the floor. It felt like my heart was being torn to shreds and I could hardly breathe. I was staring at the floor, attempting to wipe away the tears before Masako saw them. I heard her footsteps coming closer to me, if she was going to kill me-I wanted her to do it. "Yeah, this is pathetic. You''re already grieving and this makes it not as fun for me anymore. So, I''ll give you a warning. I don''t want you to speak with Hinata ever again. Now I understand that''ll be hard because I''m sure he''ll try to reach out to you, nonetheless I want you out of Japan within the next 24 hours. And trust me, I''ll know whether you are gone or not." I could barely hear the words that were coming out of her mouth. I was still in shock at everything that I was told.

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    Everything was a lie. "... Tabitha do you hear me?"

    I looked up at Masako and she was giving me a furious look, "I''m listening..." I whispered.

    "Good. Get out of Japan. I don''t care where you go, just leave me and my family alone. Don''t ever speak to Hinata again. If you do, you''ll wish you hadn''t." Masako walked right past me as if I were trash lying in the street and slammed the door shut.

    The only words I could muster out were, "Hinata is married..." I wanted to scream! Why was this happening to me? Did I do something in my past life to deserve this treatment? I just wanted to be happy... As that thought crossed my mind, the tears came flooding in. I wanted to call Hinata and ask him why he would do this to me? But I knew I couldn''t, not after everything Masako told me.

    I managed to stand up on my own, feeling shaky, I grabbed my luggage from earlier and threw all the clothes out of it. There I saw the red satin dress Hinata had given to me. I glared at it, wishing it would just disappear. I grabbed the dress again and started ripping it apart with my hands. With tears streaming down my face, running onto the dress, it had made every single thing feel more real. There was a part of the dress that I could not rip and I became so frustrated that I just threw it off to the side. Ripping that dress was not going to heal my wounds, I needed to get out of here. But where was I going to go? I wanted to go home, but Hinata knew where I had lived before. I told Hinata so much about my past and my personal life that I was afraid he would come and find me, or worse, his wife would find me.

    I needed to think straight. I wiped away the tears and briskly grabbed anything that was important to me. Anything that I could fit into 2 large suitcases. As for the rest of my stuff, well... I''ll just have to leave it behind. I needed to hurry because I did not want Hinata calling me. If I didn''t pick up he would drive over and I couldn''t risk it.

    I grabbed as many items as I could from my tiny apartment. I started walking towards the door and turned around to take a look at everything that I was leaving behind. Why did this have to happen to me? I know I needed to stop feeling sorry for myself, but I didn''t know how. Masako was right, I am pathetic. I turned back around to face the door and grabbed my luggage. I walked out of my apartment one last time before shutting it all behind me.

    I sat there in the cab as it was driving me to the airport. I looked down at my phone to check the time, 7:26 p.m. Cho was probably busy, so maybe she won''t pick up if I call her. I decided to call her anyway-knowing she won''t pick up, that would make it easier for me. As expected, it went to voicemail:

    "Hey Cho... I know you''re busy with work right now. Ummm, you were right about Hinata..." I tried holding the agony in my voice, "I can''t tell you everything, but I have to leave Japan. I''m so sorry for saying goodbye like this... This wasn''t my intention and you truly were one of my only friends here... So thank you again. I couldn''t take everything with me, I left a note in my apartment for my landlord and they''ll be reaching out to you. Again, I''m sorry Cho. Ki o tsukete kudasai."

    As I arrived at the airport, I walked up to the front desk. The woman behind the counter greeted me with a customer service friendly smile, "Don''na goy¨­deshou ka?"

    "Anata wa eigo o rikai shite imasu ka?"

    "Yes, how can I help you?"

    "Ummm, when''s the next flight and where is it?" I probably seemed suspicious to her, but I did not care. I just needed to get out of here.

    "Hmmm, let me check..." She started typing away on the keyboard, staring at the computer screen. After what felt like forever, she spoke up, "There''s an 8:30 p.m. flight to Suvarnabhumi Airport."

    "Suvarnabhumi Airport?"

    "Bangkok, Thailand." I knew no Thai at all, let alone I knew nothing about the country. It didn''t matter to me anymore, nothing mattered.

    "I''ll take it. One way please."

    I never imagined myself leaving Japan feeling dreadful. I wanted to leave Japan feeling happy, finding myself and accepting the death of James. Instead, I''m doing the opposite. I feel like I''m back at square one, I didn''t know what I was going to tell my mom. I couldn''t think straight, maybe going to Thailand was a bad idea, however it was too late to change my mind. I peered out the tiny window that was next to me on the flight. I gave one last goodbye with a small wave to the Land of the Rising Sun.

 Chapter 12

    I''m in a foreign land. I don''t know the language and don''t know anyone here.

    I did not arrive in Bangkok until noon the next day, due to the layover in Taipei City. It was the mid-day sun and it felt hot, even though it was in the middle of November, the temperature was at 87¡ãF.

    I needed to figure out where I was going to live. I did not want to stay in a hotel because that was going to cost too much money in the long run. I needed something cheaper than that. Wait! What are those one places backpackers always stay at when traveling around Europe? Oh, yeah! A hostel... I wonder if they have them here in Thailand. I started googling on my phone for hostels nearby:

    Bangkok Hide

    3-Star Hotel

    $5

    886 Sukhumvit 50 Aly, Phra Khanong, Khlong Toei, Bangkok 10260, Thailand

    This place seemed to be the cheapest one I could find, so it''ll have to do. I flagged down a taxi and because I did not know the language, I just showed him my phone screen and gave a thumbs up. The driver nodded and headed off to my destination.

    I gazed out the window and I took in my new home I would be living in for the next few months. Bangkok showed signs of being overcrowded and there was traffic everywhere we drove. Google maps indicated it was only 28 km away from the airport, but the traffic wasn''t helping with that. The thought kept occurring to me, was this still the right idea? Should I just go back home? No, I can''t. I''ll just change my number and call my mom as soon as I can. I''ll just have to come up with a reason why I''m in Thailand. God, she''s going to freak out when she hears this.

    The cab had stopped and the driver jumped out of the car to help me with my bags. I looked around, "Where is this place?" It seemed like we were in some side street that had a bunch of homes selling goods out on the streets. I don''t know if the driver could tell I was confused, but he pointed down an alleyway. Okay, so it must be down there. I thanked and paid the driver and left down towards the sketchy back-street. I hope the walk isn''t too long because with all my luggage and this heat, I think I might pass out. As I was walking, I noticed how much greener it was over here. Even though the city had so many people everywhere you went, it felt like at times I was in a jungle with all the trees and plant life.

    I had almost passed the place when I noticed a tiny sign that read, Hide Bangkok. Phew, I actually made it. Now let''s hope they have rooms available. As I walked inside, I got a nice breeze of air conditioning. This place actually seemed really nice. I''m not sure what I was expecting, but for $5 I guess I was expecting something more rundown. I saw a young girl standing behind, with what looked like a service desk.

    "Hi, I don''t speak Thai." Jesus, I could''ve sounded less like a tourist. She started giggling at my remark, "That''s okay! I understand some English. Can I help?"

    "Oh, ummm, yes. I don''t have a reservation, but I would like to stay for two weeks."

    "That''s okay! Let me see what we have available." She started clicking around on the keyboard in front of her, "Do you have a preference on your room?"

    "What do you mean exactly?"

    "Ummm, like sharing."

    "Oh, right! No, not really. I guess I prefer sharing with girls if that''s possible." I hate men right now, so I would prefer to avoid them at all costs. That is what I wanted to say.

    "Ah, it looks like we have a standard 4 bed private ensuite."

    "That''s fine. I''ll take it."

    After paying for the room and getting the key card, I headed towards my temporary living space. I scanned the card up against the lock and opened the door. The room was small, and there were already 2 other girls inside... And of course they both have the bottom bunks. I should''ve expected that to happen. One of the girls quickly got up from her bed and greeted me, "Ayye! Are you goin'' to be livin'' wit us?" She had a funny accent, I couldn''t tell where it was from.

    "Oh, yeah. I guess I am for a bit."

    "Right on! Are you American?"

    "Yes I am." I didn''t want to be rude, but I really wasn''t in the mood for talking. I should''ve just paid more and got a private room.

    "Nice! Welp, the name is Beth! Yo name is?"

    "You can call me Tabi."

    "Welp, it''s nice to meet ya Tabi!" She reached out her hand, I hesitantly put my hand out and she gave a firm grip and started shaking it. Beth was odd looking. Not in a bad way, she just looked like someone from a comic book. She is tall with olive skin, blonde hair and dark brown eyes-They almost looked black. I''m jealous of her body, she has to me what seems like perfect curves. I''m a bit of a twig right now, but if I could just put on a little more weight, I would be content with that.

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    "So Tabi, what brings you to this beautiful country?" Damn it, I haven''t even thought of my story yet.

    "I, uh... Trying to find myself, I guess?" She had this intense cackle, which made me kind of laugh along with her.

    "Sorry, sorry! I did not mean to laugh! That was jus an AMAZING answer!"

    "Oh, ha! Thanks!"

    "Welp, I''ll get outta ya hair! I have shite to do anyways. Oh, and don''t mind the mouse over there... You won''t get a word outta her." Oh, so she''s talking about the girl who''s been sitting on her bed this whole time, with her giant headphones on, looking at her laptop.

    "Understood. Thanks!"

    "Not a probs!" As Beth was waltzing out the door, I stopped her, "Hey Beth!"

    "Wassup?"

    "Do you speak Thai by any chance?" There goes her cackle again, "No way Tabi! That shite is too hard!" Fuck, I''m screwed. She must''ve noticed the trouble in my expression because she spoke up again, "... But don''t worry Tabi! Everyone in this country is really welcomin'' and yud be surprised to find they can understand English well enough."

    "Gotcha! Well, thanks again!"

    "Sure thing man!"

    Once I was finished settling in, I knew I needed to take a shower since it had been two days since my last one. After I was done, I felt much more relaxed and wanted to sleep except I did not want to mess up my sleep schedule. Maybe I should get my number changed first. I called my cell service provider and explained to them my situation, not the real situation, but just that I moved to Thailand and I need a Thai number. You would think it would be an easy fix, however that phone call lasted me an hour.

    After finally resetting my phone for the 5th time, everything was set. I knew I needed to call my mom... I just don''t know what I''m going to say to her. Maybe I should wait to tell her anything, except how the hell am I going to explain to her the number change? Damn it. I''m going to just have to call her. There was an outdoor commune area for guests staying at the hostel, so I decided to go there.

    I was vaping like crazy, I usually could go a while without using my vape pen, but these past 24 hours have been a living hell, I felt I deserved this. I looked down at the time, it was 2:28 p.m. That means it was probably midnight, so she''s probably still awake. She''s always been a night owl, kind of like how I used to be before the accident. I started calling and she immediately picked up, "What''s wrong?"

    "Jesus! Is your mom-intuition going off?"

    "So I am right! There is something going on?"

    "Mom... Please don''t freak out."

    "Tabitha, what''s wrong?" I tried my best to steady my breathing, "I''m not in Japan."

    "Well, I know you and Hinata went on vacation. Where''d you end up going?" Fuck, I really haven''t talked to her since then.

    "About that... Ummm... We broke up."

    "WHAT?" Don''t cry Tabitha. Hold back the tears and remember to breathe.

    "Mom, please! I''m not in a good place right now."

    "I-I''m sorry! I know... I didn''t mean to freak out like that, but what happened sweetie? How are you doing? Why aren''t you in Japan?"

    "It''s uh... It''s hard to explain because it just happened all so suddenly, but I promise I''ll tell you everything when I can! I just left Japan... I couldn''t be there. Not with him..."

    "Did he hurt you?"

    "What? No, he didn''t. He just lied about something and-and I needed to leave."

    "I see... So, where did you go?"

    "... Thailand..."

    "Jesus Tabitha! Thailand? Are you kidding me? Why didn''t you just come home?"

    "Because I can''t mom! I just can''t!" My voice was starting to get shaky. I hated yelling at my mom. She''s always been my number one supporter and has had to deal with my shit for a long time now. It was silent on her end, "Mom... I''m sorry for yelling... I just-I don''t know what I was thinking. I can''t go back home yet. It''s barely been a year since James has been gone, and I feel like I''ve accomplished nothing in that time. I want to be happy. I want to find my purpose again... I-I don''t know."

    "Tabitha, I can''t say I understand I how you are feeling, but I can tell you this much; I''ll always support you. No matter what you decide. Of course I want you to be happy. Fuck Hinata! That asshole hurt you and you''ve already been hurt enough. If you need more time then that''s fine, but can you promise me something?"

    "Ok..."

    "Can I come visit soon? Obviously get yourself situated first, but please let me see you. I just want to make sure you''re okay." I was squatting down at this point, thinking about how much I missed my mom. This made me start to cry.

    "Y-yeah mom... You can come visit me. I would really love that."

    "Okay, that sounds good to me."

    After that, we attempted to talk normally. She filled me in on some at-home gossip and got me feeling better by the end of the phone call. I felt grateful that I had someone like her in my life, let alone, her being my mom made it even better. We said our goodbyes and hung up.

    Though moving to Thailand was probably a stupid idea on my part, I knew I needed the challenge. I''ve said it a thousand times already, I wanted to be happy. I wanted to feel like I could move on and find enjoyment in the things I used to love before James left. In that second of thought, a gust of wind picked up. I observed the petals that were once lying still, flowing around on the floor. One petal in particular stood out to me and I bent over to grab it before it flew away. I peered at it for a long time, until I was startled by a voice, "Ratchaphruek."

    "What? I''m sorry!"

    The stranger pointed to what I was holding in between my fingers, "Ratchaphruek."

    "Oh... This is what it''s called?" I held up the petal. They nodded, "Golden tree." Oh, I looked back down at the petal. So this must be from a tree around here. It was pretty and the color was so vivid. Maybe I''ll keep it, for a good luck charm. I turned back around to face the stranger, "Than-" Huh? And just as suddenly as they appeared, they were gone in an instance. I wonder who that was.

    I opened up the back of my phone case and stuck the petal inside. I''ll keep this petal with me at all times, as a reminder on why I came to Thailand.

 Chapter 13

    This was the one day I decided to not leave my bed. I could barely sleep the days following up to it, and it''s a day that I''ve been dreading. It''s been exactly 2 years since the death of my husband, James.

    This first week in Thailand I''ve been really trying to keep my mind preoccupied with job searching and sightseeing. I''ve had no luck, of course, however I don''t know if that''s because I''ve subconsciously been thinking about this day for a while now. My break up with Hinata was hard, but this was harder than that.

    I missed James so much, it hurt. I can''t eat and when I do eat it''s barely a bite or two. My body is reacting as though I''m having withdrawals. I''m feverish and have chills. I would never wish this upon anyone, not even Hinata.

    I could tell Beth seemed concerned, I just told her I wasn''t feeling well and not to worry about me. The other girl, the one Beth referred to as a mouse, didn''t seem to notice, which I''m totally fine with. Mom called me as soon as she could to check in on me, I told her I was keeping myself busy, which was a lie.

    It has been an entire year since I''ve been without my best friend and I guess I can say I''m surprised I''ve made it this far. The thought of ending it all had befallen onto me more times than I can count. It would just be easier, right? James had this way of making me feel so confident in myself without ever trying. He was patient and kind, people would always tell me how lucky we were that we found each other; except now my life was in shambles. I didn''t know what I wanted out of this life that was given to me. I thought I might''ve found happiness again, however that was all a lie and I ran away. These hideous views swallowed me whole. And so I lied there, not feeling anything, but also noticing everything.

    ? ? ?

    I woke up again for the umpteenth time, still feeling woozy. I crawled down from the bunk bed and headed towards the bathroom. I splashed cold water on my face to try and get rid of how swollen I looked. After I was finished, I staggered back to my room to grab my vape pen. Not really noticing my surroundings, I unexpectedly heard a soft spoken voice, "You know you cry in your sleep..." Still trying to wake up, I scanned around the room. That wasn''t Beth''s voice... Wait! It was the mouse girl?

    "I''m sorry...?" She was still in the same position I always saw her in, just sitting on her bed with her laptop.

    "You''ve been crying in your sleep all day." She sounded put out by this. I didn''t give a shit though.

    "Well... Sorry if that bothers you."

    "It doesn''t... You talk a lot in your sleep too. Especially today." Jesus Christ! What do you want from me, little girl?

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    "Okaaay..."

    "That necklace you wear all the time, does it relate to the person you''ve been crying over?" I delicately grabbed the rings that were attached to the necklace and barely ducked my head.

    "I kind of thought so. I''m sorry for your loss. I lost someone too."

    "Oh, t-thank you... And my condolences."

    "Yeah, it was really hard at first. I didn''t think I could go on living without them. It''s like I didn''t know how to do everyday functions without them around... Until I started traveling and writing blogs about my time in different countries. I found a way to connect with other people, and most importantly, I was happy again." The mouse girl''s words struck a chord in me. She was so quiet when she talked, but her words had such a loud impact.

    "... But what if I can''t find something that I love to do?"

    "I''m not saying it''s easy. It''s going to be really difficult, but you''ll get there. You just gotta believe in yourself more. I know that''s easier said than done. Just trust me though." I dwelled on what she said, "... believe in yourself more..." I''m not even sure where to start. Before I could finish my inner monologue, the mouse girl spoke out again, "I know you''ve been job hunting lately. Is that correct?"

    "Oh, ummm, yes. It hasn''t been going too well though."

    "Have you thought about volunteer work? There are a lot of volunteer programs around here that pay and provide housing. You should check it out. You might find something you appreciate doing."

    "Oh... Yeah I didn''t think of that. Thank you... Ummm, I''m sorry. I never caught your name."

    "Ocean. Ocean Harrak." I slightly laughed at this, "Your name is Ocean?"

    "Yeah, my mom picked it out before she abandoned me and my dad."

    "Oh shit... I''m sorry."

    "It happened when I was like 1, so don''t worry about it."

    "Well, it''s nice to meet you, Ocean, and also... Thank you... I really needed that."

    "Not a problem Tabi! I''m leaving for Japan tomorrow so I''m glad I could help in some way." Of course she''s leaving for Japan.

    "You''re going to Japan?"

    "Yeah, you''ve been?"

    "Actually, yes I have been. It''s nice there. My advice: just use public transportation or walk. It''s easier that way."

    "Noted. Well I''ll let you get back to what you were doing... Gotta finish this blog before tomorrow."

    "Right. Of course. Thanks again!" I rushed out of the room and headed outside towards the front of the building. As standoffish as Ocean appeared, she was actually very gentle. Between her experience and her way of words, she made me forget about my worries back there in the room. I wish to be like her someday, to be doing something that makes me feel content.

    I stood outside the hostel, vaping away. It was dark out, but the buildings nearby lit up the back-street well enough for me to see where I was walking. I didn''t know the time, but it must''ve still been early because there were lots of people out and about. It seems childish to think that some stranger''s words could make me feel better, in spite of that maybe that''s what I needed, an outsider''s point of view. I had my mom and some people back at home who knew the whole story, that just wasn''t the same though. They loved me and told me what they thought would make me feel better in that moment, the only difference was they didn''t understand the pain I was going through. Hell, I didn''t want them to understand the pain either, regardless I guess I just required someone who was, or went through the same shit I did. My perspective felt like it had been broadened and that feeling of withdrawal wasn''t completely gone, yet it only lingered. This was enough for me to find an incentive to keep moving forward.

 Chapter 14

    The following week I started doing research on volunteer work in Bangkok, and Ocean was right, there were a lot of volunteer programs here. I didn''t even know where to start. To be honest, as long as I get hired I guess I''m not too picky, I do prefer a place in Bangkok and not somewhere far from it. They had plenty of programs to choose from, except the only problem was that the ones close by were for teaching English. I never really considered myself much of a teacher, but the requirements are pretty easy and I have all of them. Just speak English, and I know English, so I guess I can reach out to them.

    I had so much free time that instead of applying online for volunteer work, it would be easier to go there in person and talk to someone. This was going to be my first time taking public transportation since the place was a bit far from the hostel. Okay, so 45 minutes on the same bus line. I can do that!

    The area the volunteer building was in was definitely more in the city of Bangkok. There were a lot more business buildings around and overpasses surrounding the area. I tried dressing decently, wearing my favorite jean jacket with a black tank top underneath, black capris, and these pair of black gladiator sandals that I hardly wore. I even applied some makeup so that way no one would notice I had been crying.

    The building was very fancy, it didn''t seem like a place that would host volunteer work. I walked inside, it was nice and cool. I saw a woman sitting at the front desk and I approached her, "Hi, excuse me." She looked up from her computer, "Can I help you?" Jesus, you don''t need to sound so impolite.

    "Uh, Hi. Yes I was interested in applying for a volunteer English teaching position and wanted to know if there was a way I could apply and start immediately."

    "You didn''t apply online?"

    "Ummm, no. I''d rather just do it in person." I tried to smile more than I usually do because this lady seemed to be in a foul mood. She did an exaggerated sigh, "Okay so you have to apply online. Once you apply it''ll be about two weeks until you hear back from us. If approved there''ll be a fee you''ll have to pay, depending on how long you want to be in the program. Once you pay the fee, we''ll then let you know which program you''ll be assigned to. Is that clear?"

    "Crystal. So I still have to wait two weeks? Regardless if I did it in person?" I was trying my hardest not to reach across the counter and smack this girl.

    "Yes. Regardless." She gave me a quick smirk and reached over to the other side of her desk and grabbed a few papers. She continued on, "You can find more information in these pamphlets and if you have any other questions please call this number." I peered over at the papers she had given to me. It honestly just looked like the shit doctors give to you after you have a check-up appointment.

    "Okay! Well, thanks for all your help today. Much appreciated." I tried saying that in the most sarcastic tone I could, and before I could hear another word out of her, I turned around and walked out.

    God! What a bitch! I''m trying to volunteer for something and I''m not even asking for a lot either and she can''t even be a little nicer. I started talking to myself, "... I don''t need this shit right now. I''ll find some other God damn place..." I didn''t want to take the bus back right away because I knew that this whole trip would''ve been just a waste of my time and money. I decided to just walk around and see what I could find.

    Out of the blue, I felt my phone vibrating in my back pocket. I pulled it out and saw that Beth was calling me. She insisted that we had each other''s numbers, though I didn''t want to at first, I eventually caved in. I picked up the phone:

    "Hello?"

    "Hey Tabi! You sound better!"

    "Oh, yeah... Sorry about the past few days..."

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    "Nah! Don''t worry bout'' it! Uh where are you? There''s a lot of noise!"

    "Oh, yeah. I''m actually out job hunting... Not much luck though."

    "Ya know what will cheer ya up? Let''s hang out! I''m with a few mates right now and havin'' a day out on the town!" I should never have said anything and I really didn''t want to hang out, however I couldn''t just say no. Maybe I should do this. I haven''t actually hung out with anyone in a long time, so this might be good.

    "You know what, that sounds like a good idea!"

    "Really?" Beth sounded so thrilled over the phone, that it made me look forward to meeting up. Beth continued on, "Where are you at anyways?"

    "I''m actually not sure... I can''t pronounce the name of the are-"

    "Datz fine Tabi! Just text me the nearest address and we''ll come get you!"

    "Okay, I will!" I hung up the call and started looking around at the places nearby, "You gotta be kidding me..." Out of all the times to look around there would be a Japanese restaurant right in front of me. I really wanted nothing to do with Japan, but this seemed like it would help considering it stuck out compared to the rest of the buildings. I started texting Beth the address:

    "226 Phahonyothin Rd"

    "Not too far! Like 14 minz away! Stay where you at and I''ll call when we near :D"

    Beth was so interesting. She even texted the way she talked. I still had no clue where she was from and at this point I would feel weird for asking her.

    I waited for about 25 minutes until I got a call from Beth, "I think we''re here!" I looked around, "What kind of car are you in?"

    "Uh I dunno... It''s red." I could hear another voice in the background, "... Oh it''s a Mazda."

    "I don''t know what that looks like, but I''ll just get closer to the stre-"

    "I SEE YOU!" I did not see Beth, but all of a sudden I heard honking in the distance. I gazed down the street a bit more and I could see Beth sticking her head out the window, like a dog would, waving me down. I was trying to hold my laughter in, God, she''s something else.

    Finally the red Mazda pulled up to the curb. In a hurry, I scrambled into the backseat.

    "Phew! We found you Tabi!" Beth hollered out.

    "Yeah. Thanks for picking me up!"

    "Of course! Let me introduce you to my mates here; datz Non and datz Fah!" Beth pointed to the driver, who''s name was Non. He looked short and had a small body. His skin was tanned with a round chin, a bulbous nose, neat eyebrows and a narrow face. The passenger was the girl Fah. Fah seemed to look a bit taller than Non. Her skin is golden-browned with rosy cheeks, large ears and a long face.

    "Nice to meet you both."

    Non was focused on driving and did a quick nod. Fah was facing toward me and Beth, and clasped her hands together and slightly bowed her head, "Sawadee kah."

    "Uh..." I looked over at Beth, trying to hint at her that I had no clue what Fah just said. Beth was oblivious to my confusion, so I decided to just ask Fah, "I''m sorry, but what does that mean?"

    "Thai people greet each other with the word ''sawadee'' followed by ''kah'' for females and ''kraap'' for males, and the bowing is a gesture known as a ''wai'', which is the placing of two palms together, with fingertips touching the nose." She had a very sweet voice while she was explaining this all to me, however this made me feel like an idiot. I didn''t even know the basic greeting etiquette... That''s probably why I can''t get a job. Fah started speaking again, "Don''t be too hard on yourself. Lots of people that come to Thailand are not sure of the customs." She gave me a cheery smile, and strangely, that made me feel at ease.

    "Sooo where are we goin'' next? Tabi have you ate today?" Beth shouted this, ignoring the fact that I''m literally sitting right next to her.

    "Uh, no I guess I haven''t eaten yet."

    "Excellent! We haven''t ate lunch yet..." She tapped Non on the shoulder, "... so let''s go to our usual spot."

    "Usual spot?"

    "Oh yeah they got UH-MAZING NOODLES! You''ll love it then after that we can walk off the noodles and then get ready for the night. You both in?" She was referring to both Non and Fah, but what the hell did she mean, "... Ready for the night..."? Non and Fah both cheered in response to Beth, me on the other hand, I was still bewildered by what she meant.

    "Beth... What do you mean ready for the night?"

    "Oh Tabi!" She started cackling like a mad woman, "You''re gonna get FUCKED UP TONIGHT!"

    "HA! That''s funny... Good one."

    "Nah, dude... I''m kidnapping you. You have no say in any of this!" Beth looked at me with the most mischievous smile I''ve ever seen on anyone.

    "But-but... I have nothing to wear for ''tonight''."

    "You will!" She patted Fah on the shoulder, "Fah your skinny like Tabi... Maybe a bit too tall, but you got something, like a dress she can wear, right?" Fah spun around in her seat and examined me, up and down, "Oh yeah! I got something she can wear!" Damn, it really does feel like I''m being kidnapped right now. Fuck, I never should''ve picked up Beth''s call.

 Chapter 15

    We ended up at Fah''s place after we ate and explored the area a bit. She lived in a two-bedroom apartment that was located in Bangkok. The apartment itself was very modern, which I assumed was newly built. When we got to her place, she demanded that Non and Beth start pre-gaming, while she and I went to her bedroom to find something for me to wear. Beth and Non did not delay to scout out her kitchen.

    I sat in a chair while I waited for Fah to grab clothes for me. Fah was searching through her compact closet, and soon enough, started throwing clothes at me, without actually ever looking in my direction. These dresses were so lovely, it made me wish I had stuff like this on-hand. As I was studying the clothing, Fah began talking, "Tabi why are you here in Thailand?" The question was out-of-nowhere, I wasn''t sure how to respond, "I, uh, well..." Before I could finish my sentence, Fah interrupted, "You don''t have to answer if you''re not comfortable. I just noticed that throughout today you seemed to be out of it. I''m making sure you are okay."

    "Oh... Yeah thanks Fah. I''m just stressing out a bit. I moved here with not much of a plan and I can''t find a job, which means I can''t find a place to live."

    "Oh I see. Well, I don''t know much about your background, but have you thought about volunteer work?" Jesus, not this again. I tried my best not to sound disgruntled, "Ha... Yeah, I tried that today... It didn''t really work out."

    "Hmm, I''m not sure what place you went to, however do you like animals?"

    "What kind exactly?"

    "Like any kind."

    "Yeah, sure. I guess."

    "I used to work at this animal rehabilitation center in Bangkok and I could give you their information. You can use me as a reference if you want too."

    "HOLY SHIT REALLY? Sorry! Didn''t mean to say that... But really?"

    "Of course! And you know this apartment is two bedrooms, except my roommate is moving out. She''s moving to Australia, anyways, if you got the volunteer job and needed a place to live, you could always be my roommate. Just a thought."

    "Wait... You''re serious? Fah that would be awesome! I mean, that would be really appreciated. But can I ask why? Like we barely just met today... What if I''m like a psycho and you don''t know it yet?" Fah chortled at my question, therefore made me crack a smile.

    "Your funny Tabi! You''re not wrong! I don''t know much about you, but we can get to know each other and I''ll find out if you''re a psycho later down the line." She gave a cheeky smile, "... Anyways we can talk about this later! You need to pick a dress already!"

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    "Oh right! Let''s see... Hmm... This black one seems nice. Should I try it out now? Ummm, while you''re in the room?"

    "If we might be roommates, then yes, try it on!" I burst out laughing, "Okay, okay. Just turn around please!"

    "Fine!"

    I threw the tiny black dress on. It had spaghetti straps and was actually pretty plain compared to all the rest of Fah''s dresses. Once it was on I was relieved to see that it wasn''t too short on me, luckily Fah was taller so I can''t imagine how short this dress was on her.

    "Okay, you can turn around now." Fah quickly spun around, and gawked at me, "Dammmmn Tabi! You look good!" I felt my cheeks getting hot, "Oh my God! Stop! But thank you!"

    "You''re welcome! I noticed that your feet are pretty small, so you probably won''t fit into my shoes, buuuut those sandals you have been wearing today would still look great with the dress. So just wear those."

    "Got it! Everything else looks okay then?" I did a little twirl after saying this. Fah looked me over, "Yeah. We''re great! Now let''s go pre-game!"

    "Oh boy... Okay... Oh, quick question. Why doesn''t Non talk?" Fah stopped before opening the door to the living room, and slowly turned around, "Don''t tell him I told you this, but... He doesn''t have a tongue." My body instantly went cold, "WHAT? Are you serious?"

    "No, I''m just messing with you!" Fah was doubled over, she was coughing with how much she was laughing.

    "THAT''S NOT FUNNY!"

    "OH GOD! That was hilarious! Your expression was priceless. No, but on a serious note, he doesn''t know English so he just doesn''t talk."

    "What the... Really? Oh I thought he was just quiet. Wait, how do you know English then?"

    "I lived in America during my high school years, but moved back here when I turned 18."

    "Ohhh I see. Well, I''m glad Non has his tongue then."

    "I still can''t believe you believed me. I can''t wait to tell Beth and Non about this..." Fah was saying all this as she was opening the door to the living room. Beth''s ears perked up, "Say what?" Oh God... Here we go again.

    ? ? ?

    We started off the night by bar hopping. I attempted to only have one drink at each bar, followed by a cup of water. I did not want to get "... FUCKED UP!" Like what Beth said, but I wanted to be coherent enough to know where I was. The nightlife here in Thailand was actually really fun. I wasn''t sure what to expect, but you find all kinds of walks of life out here. From backpackers, to younger locals, there''s a lot going on. I was informed by Beth that the location we were in was very popular among tourists at first, but throughout the years more residents have finally started flooding in.

    As it got closer to 11:00 p.m. I was ready to call it a night, when Beth hollered out, "LET''S GO DANCING!" Damn it. I keep forgetting that I''m with a bunch of younger people who can handle their liquor and don''t need sleep to function.

    Fah began yelling for a taxi nearby. I looked over at Beth, "We''re not staying in this area?" Beth leaned in closer to me, her breath reeking of alcohol, "Nopppeee! There''s a petter areaaa for nightclubz that we headin'' too!"

    "And you''re still good to party?"

    "WHAT? COURSE I AM TABIIII!" Jesus, she was drunk. Fah shouted for me, Beth, and Non to come over to the taxi. We all scooted in and Fah spoke to the driver in Thai, I''m assuming she''s telling him where our destination is. The driver responded in Thai and began driving to our next spot.

 Chapter 16

    The nightlife in Bangkok was wild to me. It was a Tuesday night, and yet it felt like it should''ve been Saturday. We drove through the city, and I examined the surroundings outside of the cab. There were so many people still out, and I recalled how the other night I did not know the time, but that it felt early in the evening because of how energetic it was with all the people still going on throughout their day.

    I''m pleased that we decided not to walk because this drive took at least 30 minutes to get to the venue. As we sprung out of the car, I took in the environment around me. The club was huge and looked expensive. I grabbed Fah''s arm, "Can we even get in?" I was a bit nervous because it looked like there was a line and everyone seemed so flashy. Fah patted me on the head, "This is the best time to go! On the weekends, you have to have reservations to enter so most locals try to come during the work week. Annnnd I''m not one to brag, buuut I know the bouncer working so we can get in!" Fah peered down at me and shot a cocky smile.

    Beth and Non were stumbling all over the place, while me and Fah appeared to have been walking normally. Fah went ahead of us to talk to the bouncer. I decided to stay back and wait to get the "okay" from Fah. I could see that she was laughing with the extremely large man standing at the entrance of the club, she was very touchy with him. I wonder if she had some kind of intimate relationship with the guy at some point. All of a sudden, Fah whipped her head back and waved her hand to come towards her. The bouncer opened the door for us 4 and we sauntered into the building like we were VIPs.

    The place looked huge on the outside, except when we got in, it was jam-packed. There were people everywhere and the music was insanely loud. I couldn''t even hear myself think. We made our way through the crowds to get to the nearest bar. Each of us ordered a drink, I usually enjoyed fruity drinks so I asked for a Mai Tai, that was my go-to.

    I was scanning the structure, trying to see if there was available seating, then I felt my arm being pulled on, "LET''S GO DANCE!" Beth and Non had already taken off to the dance floor, while Fah waited for my response, "MAYBE! I''M GOING TO FIND SOMEWHERE TO SIT!"

    "WHAT?"

    "I''M GOING TO FIND SEATING!"

    "OHHH! GOOD LUCK WITH THAT!" She''s right, this place had hit capacity, and I''m not even sure there was a spot where you could sit.

    "I''LL STILL LOOK! I''LL TEXT YOU GUYS!" Fah gave a thumbs up and took off to the dance floor.

    There has to be someplace available, I mean it''s a Tuesday night! I felt like I was the ball in the pinball machine, being bumped around back and forth as I tried to find an opening. In the distance, I could see an outdoor set-up. I sprinted towards it, as if it were the light at the end of a tunnel. In a flash, I crawled my way out of the sweaty crowd and headed into a small entryway. Phew, I was outside! I looked around to see where exactly I had ended up. This almost seemed like a private area, but no one has said anything to me yet. It was much quieter, and there was a bar with only a few people hanging out around it.

    This was a fascinating part of the club. It was located outside, except it had a hanger and a lookout where you could view the outside world. Again, I wasn''t sure I was supposed to be in here, but I didn''t really care. I just needed to get away from that crowd.

    There was plenty of seating available, however I didn''t want to be seated alone at an empty table, so I headed toward the bar and made myself comfortable there. The bartender walked towards me and set a napkin down, "Would you like another one?" I looked down at my drink, realizing it was almost empty, "Yes please." He turned back around and started grabbing different bottles and mixing my drink. I didn''t even tell him what I had ordered, but he must''ve been an expert because after he was done, he set the drink down in front of me, "Is this a Mai Tai?" He nodded with a quick smile. I sipped on the drink that he had made, holy shit! This is a Mai Tai. I peered up at him and inclined in approval.

    I know I said I was going to text Fah, but I realized I didn''t have her number, so instead I texted Beth. I probably won''t hear from her in awhile, so I decided to enjoy myself for as long as I could, however in an instant, I started getting heckled by a rather large man. I thought that maybe he was security and he was about to kick me out, but he then sat next to me at the bar. Really? Out of all the seats available in the vicinity, you have to sit right next to me. He was slurring his words really badly and I couldn''t understand him. I wasn''t even sure if he was speaking another language, or English, that''s how bad it was. I tried my best to ignore him, having said that he still couldn''t take the hint. Was having alone time too much to ask for? As he fumbled around his words, there were a few I could make out, "... Beautiful... Alone..." I barely glanced over at him, "Ummm, thanks..." I wasn''t alone if that''s what he was asking, at the same time though, I was alone.

    Abruptly, another voice came out of the blue, "Khu? k?l?ng rbkwn p?h¨±?h??ing khn n¨©? xy¨±? r? pel?¨¡." I briefly looked over to see who was talking, it was a younger looking guy sitting toward the end of the bar. The large drunk man, stared over at him looking aggravated, "Kh?n?... Ng t?h?ng ?hurk... Ic... k?h... Hic... Xng khu? xeng!" What the fuck is going on? The two of them began arguing back and forth, when another man, who might''ve been security, marched in, "Keid xar? k?h??n." The drunk man burst out yelling at the younger guy and shot up from his chair, he sprinted towards the kid, and before a fight was about to break out, the other man grabbed a hold of the drunk guy.

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    What had just happened? I sat there, stunned by the whole interaction.

    "Sorry, are you okay?" I flinched at the sudden sound, and I swung around on the bar stool. There stood the younger man standing behind me, casting his gaze down onto me. The lighting in the room emitted a shadow halfway across the guy''s face. From what I could make out, he looked even younger up close. He was very tall, at least 6 ft, and his skin tone resembled a beige color. His complexion was very clean, actually everything about him seemed clean. His eyebrows were thick in width, but had a neat look to them, as if he got them waxed. His nostrils were rather large and had a convex nose, he didn''t have monolids, but his eyes were very sharp-kind of reminding me of almonds. He had this sweet and innocent feel about him. I wasn''t sure how long I had been goggling at him, but he spoke up again, "Oh... That must''ve really freaked you out!"

    "What? Oh shit... Sorry! I just zoned out." He had this adorable laugh, "Ohh! You scared me there for a second! I thought you were scarred from that whole thing!"

    "Oh Jesus! No, I''m sorry! I''m fine... Uh, thank you for helping me out."

    "It''s no problem. That guy was being a creep and I could tell you were uncomfortable."

    "Yeah, I couldn''t understand what he was saying to me either..."

    "That''s probably a good thing, you don''t want to know."

    "Well, thank you again!" It grew silent between us and he stood there looking a bit gauche. He seemed harmless, so I decided to speak up again, "Do you want to sit here?" I pointed to the bar stool next to me.

    "Oh-oh yeah. That''d be great!" This guy was kind of silly, he had seemed so smooth earlier, but now he just reminded me of some ungainly teenager. I initiated the conversation, "Sooo was that Thai you were speaking?"

    "Yes it was. I''m assuming you don''t know Thai?"

    I took the last gulp of my drink, "Unfortunately, no I don''t."

    "That''s too bad, ummm are you visiting?" I waved over to the bartender and ordered another Mai Tai, "No, actually I just moved here like two weeks ago."

    "Really? Where are you from originally?"

    "California, but I lived in Japan for a little bit."

    "Oh I''ve been to California once! I really liked it there! I haven''t been to Japan yet." The bartender served me my drink and I began chugging it down, but stopped until there were at least two more sips left.

    "Japan succccks and California is finee." The younger guy chuckled at my response, "Is that why you came to Thailand?" I could feel my body becoming warmer and loosening up, this must''ve been the alcohol, "Ummm... I guess you could say that." I finished the drink in front of me, and waved over to the bartender again for another drink.

    "Wait!" I slapped the counter, startling the young guy next to me, and glanced over at him, "I dunno your name..."

    "Oh you scared me there for a second! You can call me Beam."

    "Beam?" What kind of name is Beam?

    "It''s just a nickname. Do you not know anything about Thai culture?" Okay, now he''s starting to sound like a smart ass.

    "Ummm... Didn''t I mention I just moved here?" Beam jokingly shook his head in disapproval, "I''m sure you''ve noticed that a lot of names in Thailand are really long, so most people just go by nicknames that they''re given at birth, or if they decide to change it when they get older."

    "No shit, really? So what''s your real name?"

    "That''s an interesting question..."

    "Why is it interesting?"

    "Because in Thai culture you can know someone for years and not even know their real name. I''ve known you for like 10 minutes and you already want to know my real name... Seems a bit personal." I could tell he wasn''t taking this all too seriously, so with the alcohol making me feel more comfortable, I slapped my hand on the bar again, "I''ll tell chu everything... Bout myself! So you can tell me your name! BUUUT! Youuu have to ask the questions first... Likeee, I won''t jus tell you everything... Yaa know?" Beam seemed to enjoy this little game because he gladly accepted.

    "Fine! Fine! I''ll start off easy, what''s your name?"

    "I tell people to call me Tabi, buuut my name is Tabitha."

    "Okaaay... Tabitha, I mean Tabi. Why are you here alone?"

    "HA! I''m not! I''m actually here with other people, buut they went dancing and I didn''t want to dance... PLUS! I get anxiety in crowds soooo yeah. NEXT QUESTION!"

    I wasn''t sure how long we were going at it like this, and at this point, I''m not even sure how many drinks I''ve had. I was beginning to feel dizzy and the room seemed just as drunk as I did.

    "TABI! You still good?" Beam waved his hand in my face, I flew my hand at his and hit it out of the way, as if it were a fly.

    "I''MMM doing fan-tas-tic!"

    "Good because I have another question!"

    "I''m... Hic... Ready!"

    "What''s that necklace for?" My head bobbled towards my chest, and I stroked the rings softly, "Well... Ummm... This was my engagement and-and wedding rings..." I took another gulp of my drink, "... My husband is dead... Hic... That''s why you don''t drive in the rain!" I was still looking down at the necklace. I didn''t hear anything from Beam, so I peeked over at him. He wasn''t looking at me, but behind the bar instead. I could see his side profile, and as expected, he had a doleful look to him.

    "I-I''m sorry to hear that Tabi..." I became irritable at how he said that, "Don''t pity me! I get enough of that shit from other people! YES, my husband is dead, and YES, I run away from my problems when they come up! That''s why I''m here and NOT IN JAPAN, or in California!" Somewhere in my mind, I felt bad about yelling at him, but fuck man! I''m trying to have a good time, not fucking mope around. I waved over at the bartender again, "Caaaan... I get anotha'' shot pleaseee?" Beam grabbed onto the arm I was waving the bartender with, "I think you''re good Tabi-"

    "Ummm, are youuuu my parents'' little boy? No! You are not!" I ripped my arm away from him. Like magic, the shot appeared in front of me, and before Beam could take it away, I threw the liquor back down my throat. Everything became blurry and noises sounded in slow motion.

    I''m not sure how the rest of the night turned out because my mind went blank after that last shot, and I fell into a black void of forgetting my problems.

 Chapter 17

    I wanted to keep sleeping, but my body felt so uncomfortable laying in bed that I felt forced to get up. I attempted to open my eyes, but the harsh glare of the sun was beaming into the bedroom. Why the fuck we''re the curtains opened? I sat up quickly, realizing that was a huge mistake because instantly my stomach turned. Oh God! I ran to the bathroom and puked out everything from the night before. I tried to breathe in-between each heave, however every time I attempted to do that, I kept seeing little white dots in the air. This went on for way too long, which made me nervous thinking I had alcohol poisoning. When I thought I was done, more would come back up. God I fucking hate drinking!

    At some point, I must''ve passed out again because I was woken up by the painfully cold tile I was sleeping on. I was able to get my bearings straight and stand up on my feet. Okay, so how did I make it back to the hostel last night? I walked into the bedroom and didn''t see any signs of Beth, or that anyone else had been here. Where''s my phone? I wobbled over to my purse to check if it was there... No, it''s not here. Fuck, I paused for a minute, "Okay Tabitha... Where else would it be?" As though my phone was listening to me, I heard vibrating. I swiveled my head around the room, without moving too fast, I delicately looked at the top bunk. Ah! There you are! Oh, and it''s Beth calling:

    "Yeah?"

    "OH THANK GOD YOU''RE ALIVE!"

    "Uh yes... Barely though... Wait! You didn''t take me home last night?"

    "Nah dude! I wentz home wit nother girl last night, if you catch my drift!

    "How the hell did I get home?"

    "Ummm... Welp, I vaguely member you talkin'' wit this cutie at the bar and he said he would watch you... So yeah..." I''m infuriated! They let someone they don''t even know take me home!

    "WHAT THE HELL BETH! What if something happened to me?"

    "Dude chill! Fah said he was like some famous dude sooo if somethin'' happened den we would know." Nice fucking logic there. And what does she mean by famous?

    "I-I... Whatever... I''m fine. Just extremely hungover. Can you text me Fah''s number? I want to text her."

    "Sure mate! Glad youz okay! I feel great, buuut I''m kind of a pro at drinking sooo yeah" Beth started cackling extremely loud into the phone. Jesus Beth, that''s not something to be impressed with.

    Immediately after getting off the phone with Beth, I texted Fah:

    "Hey! It''s Tabi! I got your number from Beth. Just checking in!"

    After sending the text to Fah, I noticed I had an unread message from a random number:

    "Hey Tabi! Hope you are doing okay! Text, or call, to let me know."

    "Oh! This is Beam by the way. From the club last night. In case you forgot :)"

    Who the hell was Beam? Was that the guy Beth was referring to? I kind of remember talking to a guy who was very attractive, but I don''t remember what we talked about, or remember giving my number to him. Oh God, I must''ve been awful last night. I should probably text him and apologize in advance:

    "Hey Beam! Sorry in advance, but I don''t remember much from last night!"

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    Okay, sent. Now I''ll just wai-- My phone started vibrating. Beam was calling! Oh man, I really didn''t want to answer, but he knows I''m near my phone, so I felt forced to.

    "Hello?"

    "Hey you''re okay! You were pretty out of it when I dropped you off." This is embarrassing.

    "Shit, really? Yeah sorry about that! I normally don''t get like that either... So sorry again!"

    "It''s okay! Alcohol has a tendency to make people do dumb stuff, so don''t worry about it!" He actually sounded genuine about that. He had a really sweet sounding voice, like a little kid.

    "Well, thanks again."

    "Sure, sure. Ummm, hey I was going to ask, but do you have plans today? I''m sure you feel like shit, but-but I know this place that has great hangover food... I-I mean, that''s if you don''t have plans already... You know?" As shitty as I felt, this Beam kid was kind of adorable. He just sounded so nervous, and I know if I say no I''ll just feel terrible about that, considering he helped me out last night.

    "How far is the place from the hostel?"

    "It''s probably like a 30 minute car ride... If that''s too far for you we can--"

    "No, that''s fine. Let me just take a shower and I''ll meet you there. Can you text me the address please?"

    "Oh-oh yeah, of course. I''ll see you in like an hour then. Uh, bye Tabi!"

    I''m curious about this "Beam" kid. Why did he sound so nervous over the phone? Maybe I was looking into it too much. I wonder what we talked about last night and how much my big mouth blabbered. There was no point in trying to guess it, I really couldn''t remember much from my intoxicated state. There were bits and pieces, however those bits and pieces still didn''t add up to a full memory. I should probably just jump in the shower and get ready for the day then.

    Ahh, that shower felt so refreshing! My stomach is still pretty achy and my head is throbbing, but I''m sure the food will help. As I started laying out which outfit I was going to wear, I heard my phone vibrating on the table. I looked over at it and saw that Fah was calling, "Hey Fah!"

    "TABI! You were crazy last night! I didn''t think you were like that!"

    "Oh my God! This is embarrassing! I don''t remember anything from last night!"

    "SERIOUSLY? Not even the hot supermodel you were talking to all night?"

    "The supermodel? I don''t remember any model, but there was this kid ''Beam'' I was talking with..."

    "Yeah that''s him... At least I''m pretty sure that''s him! He looks like the guy I''ve seen in billboards and commercials! I dunno, I don''t know his name, but I''m like 99.9% positive that''s him!"

    "Well... If it is, then I''m actually getting ready to meet up with him right now."

    "WHAT? LOOK AT YOU GO!"

    "IT''S NOT LIKE THAT! I just feel bad about last night because I can''t remember anything, so I just want to apologize and talk to him sober."

    "Mhmm... Sure ya do! Well, I won''t keep you waiting! But before I go, I spoke with that animal rehabilitation place I used to work at, and they would love to chat with you! So I''ll text you over the info! Just call them before Friday."

    "Really? Oh my god! Thank you Fah! That''s awesome!"

    "Don''t worry about it! Go have fun with ''supermodel boy''! I''ll call you later to get the tea!"

    "Stop it! But okay, talk to you later!" You know, I thought Fah was all innocent, but it turns out she''s just as crazy as Beth. She just hides it better. I chuckled at myself thinking about this.

    I needed to hurry up and get ready. I examined the clothes I laid out on the bed, "... Hmmm, a dress or a skirt...? When you feel like shit, dress like you don''t feel like shit." I have had this motto in my head since highschool. It''s pretty stupid sounding, but whenever I was hungover, or maybe just wasn''t feeling well, I always took the opportunity to overdress. I thought that maybe if I looked pretty, I would feel pretty. After much decision, I had finally picked my ensemble; a white t-shirt that was tucked into a red floral maxi skirt, with black converse. Oh, and of course sunglasses. My eyes are going to burn when I walk outside, so the sunglasses might make it less painful.

    I grabbed my purse and rushed outside. I texted Beam:

    "I''m going to take a cab, so I''ll be there in like 30 minutes."

    Before I could put my phone away, I immediately got a response from Beam:

    "Ok! See you soon :)"

    Seeing the cute smiley face, I realized I was smiling at my phone like an idiot. Jesus Tabitha, pull your shit together. I threw my phone in my purse and walked out to the main street and called down a taxi. I still didn''t know any Thai, so when I hopped into the cab, I instantly pointed to my phone with the restaurant that was listed on Google maps. The only word he said was, "Ok." After that minor stressful interaction, he started driving and we did not speak the rest of the car ride. I thought about how much interaction might be with Beam, and hopefully find out what happened last night.

 Chapter 18

    The drive felt like it went on forever, I''m not sure if that''s because of the traffic, or all the thoughts racing in my mind. How was I going to talk to Beam about last night? I wanted to know what I said to him, and why did he want to hang out today? Did I lead him on or something?

    As I stepped out of the car, I took a look around. I wasn''t sure if the driver dropped me off in the right area because there were so many businesses around, it was difficult to tell which building it might be. I should probably just call Beam. I began to pull out my phone from my purse, when I felt something tap my shoulder. With one hand up, I swung around, pivoting on my heel.

    "Whoa! Don''t hit me!" There stood a very tall younger guy. He was wearing black wide frame sunglasses and light brown T-shirt, with dark brown slacks. This has to be Beam, "Oh... Sorry! Are you Beam?" I''m not sure why he started laughing, that was a legitimate question.

    "You''re funny Tabi!" He must''ve noticed the addled look I had because his expression changed to a more earnest look, "That''s right... You don''t remember much from last night huh? I''m Beam! We met last night..."

    "S-sorry! I think the sunglasses are throwing me off."

    "Oh, duh! Well let''s go inside first and then you''ll be able to see my face more clearly."

    He began heading down a side street, in which I followed him closely behind. There in the midst, was a tiny white building that had a flower arch surrounding the entryway . We walked inside, and fortunately, it wasn''t too crowded. We were seated at a two person table against the wall. The aesthetic was very clean and white. They definitely loved the flower look because you could see, located in the back of the restaurant, they had a flower wall that could be used for photo opportunities.

    After me and Beam got ourselves adjusted and ordered drinks, I took my sunglasses off. Beam noticed and removed his sunglasses soon after. There wasn''t much talking between us, as we both had our heads smothered on the menu. I occasionally took a glance at Beam to check if this was the same person from last night, and I couldn''t help but notice how pretty he was. He was prettier than most girls, and his complexion was clean looking. This made me start to think about the way I looked and how I could never take care of myself, as much as he seemed to.

    Since there weren''t that many people in the restaurant, the waiter came back to take our order. Ironically, I ordered the hangover french toast, which I saw Beam giggle to himself. Beam had decided on the bacon & egg pancake. Once we placed our orders, the waiter took our menus away and left us alone. I didn''t really know what to say to him and he was quiet too.

    "Sooo... Do you come here often?" Wow Tabitha, that sounded like the worst pick-up line ever. Beam''s face contorted, as though he was trying to hold back his laugh, "Ummm, uh... Occasionally. I mean the only time I''ve gone is on the weekends, but it''s actually pretty mellow here during the week." Beam was looking around the restaurant, "I''ve actually never been here during the week, so I didn''t know it was going to be like this." He almost sounded disappointed.

    "Would you prefer it to be crowded?"

    "Oh! Uh, no... I just was thinking I should''ve been going here during the week more often."

    "I see."

    The air grew still again. I''m used to meeting people who know how to keep conversations going, but Beam wasn''t like that. This kind of reminded me of James, he was always a bit awkward and was never sure how to interact with others. This always made it so that I would be the one talking... I guess I''m going to have to do that with Beam.

    "Sooo... Beam. I''m going to get straight to the point. What happened last night? What did I tell you? And why did you take me home?" Beam looked thrown off by the series of questions. I watched him like a hawk, waiting to hear what he was going to say next.

    "Phew! That''s a lot of questions, but let me think... Ummm... So you got pretty wasted last night, and you wanted to play a game... What do you guys call it in America? 20 questions I think. I took you home because your friends insisted on it." I smacked my hand against my face... Could this get more cringing?

    "What kind of questions?" I was basically interrogating him at this point. I didn''t care... My main concern was Hinata and the Yakuza bullshit. I would rather keep that a secret out of everything. As I was staring him down, I felt my necklace fall out of my shirt. I saw his eyes move from his plate towards my chest. Then it dawned on me, I don''t think he was being a pervert, I think he knew about the meaning of my necklace. I stuck the necklace back into my shirt, "So, I told you about that huh?" He was so engrossed that he must''ve not realized I had put it away.

    "I-I I''m sorry... I wasn''t staring at your--oh God... I''m just making this weird--"

    "Jesus! Just stop talking! I know you were looking at my necklace. That''s fine..." I muttered the next words out of my mouth, "... You know about my husband then?" Beam was quiet, he looked so uncomfortable. I really started feeling awful about questioning him now...

    "Look, I''m sorry! I didn''t mean to be pushy... There''s just some stuff that I didn''t want to bring up. I''m not trying to be a bitch, but I''m sorry if I''m coming off like one..."

    "No-no you''re not! It''s just last night, when it got brought up, you became really upset and so I just wasn''t sure how you were going to react... That''s all. I''m sorry."

    "Don''t apologize... I guess I''ll just be honest with you, I don''t talk about my past, or my husband with anyone. I mean, it''s only been a year and I''m still trying to get over it. It''s... Uh, it''s hard ya know?..." My eyes felt watery and I immediately put my sunglasses on. What''s wrong with me? Why was I telling this person, I barely just met, my whole life story? And why was Beam just sitting there listening to all this? He was just watching me, with his face looking sympathetic. I grabbed a napkin from off the table, and attempted to wipe the tears away, "I''m sorry about that... I didn''t mean to get-"

    "Don''t be sorry! You apologize a lot and it''s kind of annoying, AND PLEASE don''t take offense to that. You have every right to feel that way... I mean, I can''t even imagine how I would be doing if something like that happened to me... I-I''d probably be so far gone..." He had a look of disbelief, as if he were really imagining it himself.

    "Look, Tabi. I, uh... I am sorry for your loss. I tried telling you that last night, and you got pretty upset with me, so I just wanted to say it again. I am sorry, but if you don''t mind me asking, how are you doing now?"

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    "Uh, I''m fine I guess-"

    "No. I mean, like, how are YOU DOING?" How was I doing? Why did this question seem to throw me off so much?

    "I, uh..." I huffed out a long sigh, "I''m not great. I left the states to see if I could be happy again, and it seems as though bad luck follows me everywhere. I left Japan with no plan whatsoever-I don''t know the language here-I need a place to live-and I can''t find a job. I''m fucking screwed-and alone. I''m 30 years old and I can''t get my shit together. Sooo, yeah. I''m not great." Beam didn''t seem to react in the slightest after my spiel. He just sat there, looking at me.

    "... Obviously I have more problems, but that''s to name a few."

    "Yeah that''s definitely a lot... But have you thought of seeing a therapist? I''m sure you have already, but I thought I would just ask..."

    "Of course I have!" I was half-lying about that. I talked to someone for about 3 weeks after the accident, but stopped seeing them because it wasn''t helping.

    "I see... Well maybe you need to open up more about your past to others cause it seems like you have a lot of pent up emotions..." Beam stopped halfway through, and was trying to hold back a laugh. What was so funny in a time like this? I demanded an answer, "What''s so funny?"

    "No-no sorry! It''s just after I said, ''... maybe you need to open up more about your past to others...'' I realized I guess I''m kind of like a therapist right now." I began smiling and gave a half-suppressed laugh. It was amusing to think that this total stranger knows my life story now, which is basically like a therapist in itself. He seemed to be relieved that I was trying not to laugh out loud because he started to grin. I never noticed his smile before. He had what some might call a ''boxy smile''. It was kind of endearing.

    ? ? ?

    Beam and I continued our conversation. It felt like time flew by when suddenly a waitress came to our table and started talking to Beam, "C?h?n k?hxthos?? th¨©? rbkwn khu? t?? txn n¨©? r?¨¡n k?hxng re¨¡ pid." I observed Beam to see what the interaction was about as he spoke with the waitress. The conversation seemed friendly enough because Beam gave a quick nod and looked over at me, "I guess they''re closed... They close at 4 and it''s 4:30."

    "Oh shit! Are you kidding me?"

    "Ha, no. I''m not kidding. She was just saying that she didn''t want to bother us before cause she didn''t want to interrupt our date"

    "DATE?" Beam began cracking up at my reaction.

    "What the heck! Date? Tell her we''re not dating-actually I''ll use Google translate and tell her mysel-"

    "I''m just kidding! Don''t worry she didn''t say that!"

    "You''re lying!"

    "Even if I am, are you really going to go chase her down?" Okay, he may have a point, I probably overreacted just a tiny bit.

    After paying our bill, we thanked the waitress and left outside. The sun was a lot lower compared to when I first got to the area.

    "Jesus, how long were we in there for?" While putting his sunglasses on and tossing his hair back, "At least 2 hours."

    "Wow! It really didn''t feel that long."

    "No it didn''t actually..." I was looking around in a daze, still wondering about where the time went, when Beam said something, "Ummm, do you want to walk around for a bit?" I turned my head around to look at him, and he wasn''t even looking at me, just kind of staring off. Almost like he''s trying to be as nonchalant as possible.

    "You''re funny... Yeah that''s fine."

    We walked side-by-side down the busy street. There were a few times the traffic of people would separate us, but we always managed to find each other in the sea of people. At one point, we passed by this huge golden shrine that was crowded with people. I leaned over, and asked Beam what shrine that was, "It''s the Ganesha Shrine. It''s a Hindu God who is the son of Shiva and Parvathi, and it is considered that praying to him removes obstacles."

    "Oh I see. Should we stop and pray?" He had a puzzled look on his face, "Uh, do you want to?"

    "To be honest, no, but I thought maybe you would want to." He shot me his boxy smile, while snickering to himself, "Ha! I thought you were serious for a minute there... I usually pray with my family or on special occasions, but I don''t do it often."

    "Ah, I see. So would you consider yourself religious?"

    "Hmmm, I mean I went to an all boys school and most prestigious schools have some religious aspects to them. There were a few shrines at the school I went to, so some students would make offerings. I did it occasionally."

    "That''s interesting you went to an all boys school... You must come from a good background."

    "I mean... We''re comfortable." I couldn''t help but laugh at this, "Oh God... That''s what my husband used to say about his family too."

    "That''s actually kind of funny. Is that true?"

    "Yep, it used to annoy me more when we first started dating, but after a while I got used to it."

    We continued along the path... Where was this path going? I wasn''t sure, and I don''t think Beam knew either, however I didn''t mind not having a journey''s end. I found it really easy to talk with Beam, it just kind of felt like we were two childhood friends catching up after not seeing each other for a long time. It felt... Pleasant. There was even at one point on the walk where I had to stop and do a double take. As we were talking about some minuscule topic, I started gently smacking Beam on his upper arm, as I was still staring at the object.

    "Ow! Why are you hitting me?" He followed my line of sight, "..." I couldn''t control my urge not to laugh because I didn''t even have to see what his expression looked like to know that he did not find what I was looking at as funny as I did!

    "THAT''S YOU, ISN''T IT?"

    "Ok-ok! Yes, it''s me. Can we continue walking?" There I stood, gawking at an advertisement placed on the side of a bus stop waiting area.

    "Wow Beam! You look... Uh, good!" I didn''t even recognize it was Beam when I first glanced over at the ad, but damn, he looked so... Handsome.

    "Are you done Tabi?"

    "Sorry-sorry! I''m just kind of dumbfounded... I didn''t really think you were a model..."

    "Ugh... Yes I am... But that''s a story for another time..."

    "Wait!" I spun around to face the in person Beam, "Another time? You make it sound like we''re going to hang out again..." There was still some sun out to shine a light on Beam''s face, to show that he was a bit embarrassed at what he said, or what I said.

    "I-I mean we can be friends, and besides, aren''t you going to be living here for a while?"

    "Well, yes... But don''t you have like model friends you can hang out with?"

    "Uh, they''re more like coworkers if anything."

    "Hmmm, like coworkers? So you''d rather hang out with a 30 year old widow-who has serious mental issues-and might leave at any given time, with no notice?"

    Beam slightly looked down at me, giving me a smirk and said, "Well, if you were me, wouldn''t that sound more interesting than hanging out with models?" I refrained from showing him that I was amused, and just rolled my eyes instead at his reply.

    As the Sun disappeared, and the moon lit up the night sky, Beam wound up walking me back to the hostel. We stood outside, in front of the entryway, waiting for one, or the other, to speak first. Since Beam was so clumsy with his words, I started talking first, "Umm, thanks for today, and for walking me home."

    "Oh-yeah! It''s not a problem. I had fun today!"

    "Did you really?"

    "Yeah, of course! I mean, it was an emotional day, but I liked hanging out with you."

    "I see... Well I had a surprisingly good time too."

    "Surprisingly?"

    "Not in a bad way! Just not what I expected I guess."

    "Oh, okay. Well that''s good then! Maybe when you get your job and find an actual place to live, we could meet up more." He couldn''t be serious about this. Like, why would he want to hang out with me? I didn''t believe him, however I didn''t want to say that.

    "Yeah, sure! If you want to hang out again, you have my number." He giggled to himself, and looked a bit bashful.

    "Yeah Tabi! I''ll give you a call when my schedule is free, or when yours is."

    "Okay... Well, goodnight then."

    "Goodnight!" I stiffly waved at him, and walked inside the hostel and headed into my room. Beth still wasn''t there, but I didn''t mind. This gave me more time to think about what had happened today. Sometimes I think my life is just one big joke. I''m always believing something good will happen, and then that tiny flicker of hope is shattered. I can never put the pieces back together, and so I have to move on to my next pipe dream. I don''t expect to ever talk to Beam again, and that''s fine. I should be used to being disappointed, unfortunately just like that flicker of hope, I still try my best to keep going.

 Chapter 19

    I had started to grow used to my time here in Thailand. Days turned into weeks, weeks turned to months, and it is now February. I never stopped thanking Fah for basically getting me the job at the animal rehabilitation center. I loved working there, even if the commute took me two hours, I still didn''t mind. My schedule was never set in stone, so some weeks I would work close to 30 hours, other times-only 16 hours. Regardless, it was a nice change from working in an office, or doing makeup. I pretty much just made sure the animals were fed and cleaned, and sometimes I would help out at their other location, and that one had more exotic animals, so that was really cool.

    After my last paid day at the hostel, Fah felt bad and didn''t want me to have to pay for more days, although I did not have a steady income yet, she let me move in with her earlier than planned. It was nice having my own room and I had fun living with Fah. Of course, there were a few times where she kept inviting me out to go bar hopping, and on one of those nights I must''ve mentioned my age, because after that she cooled off trying to get me to go out every night. Oh to be 30 and hanging out with people younger than you... Beth left back home during the holidays in December, but she just came back about a week ago. Now when I asked her where her home was, she responded, "In Europe." To this day, I still have no clue what her accent is.

    Though things are looking better for me right now, I still have my anxiety and guilt. I still miss my husband, and I may not cry as much in my sleep anymore, that doesn''t mean I don''t cry when I am awake. Some nights I don''t sleep at all, and I just slowly let the thoughts eat away at me like a disease, however there is someone that gives me a remedy. I never would''ve thought in a million years I would befriend a model. Yes, me and Beam still hang out.

    That kid is something else. What model doesn''t hang out with other models? I mean, I''m not an expert, but I always give him shit about that. He says, "You''re more interesting." I think he just pities me, although who else would go out of their way to surprise me at work? And not even that, but we meet almost every other day just to talk about nonsense, like what we did the previous day, bitch about work, or talk about our problems.

    I think I was a bit prejudiced before because I always thought that someone who comes from a good background and has good looks, has good money, and a good family-wouldn''t have any problems, but I was being ignorant. Beam has tons of problems. He''s insecure, incompetent, and he''s constantly being put up on a pedestal from his family. He told me one day that he''s never even had a girlfriend and that his family keeps bugging him when he''s going to get married. I found out he''s only 2 years younger than I am, still he hasn''t even been in a real relationship, he shouldn''t even be thinking about marriage yet. We''ll talk about this for hours on end, and one day he asked me for advice; I told him, "Do what makes you happy." I was so pissed afterwards because I can''t even practice what I preach. I''ve grown to like Beam a lot, so later on that same night after we parted ways, I called him, "Hey so remember what I said earlier?"

    Did you know this text is from a different site? Read the official version to support the creator.

    "Uh, you said a lot of stuff earlier."

    "Okay smart ass! I meant the advice I gave you!"

    "Oh, that! Yes I remember... Why? What''s up?"

    "Ignore what I said about doing what makes you happy... Beam, I can''t even do that myself and I don''t want you to end up like me; someone who doesn''t know what happiness is... Sooo, my advice to you is... I don''t have any advice..."

    "That''s helpful Tabi-"

    "I''m not done talking! I was just going to say that I know you feel like you''re not doing enough for yourself, and for the people around you, and that''s normal to feel that way... You''re only human. You need to learn to have self-compassion and that''s being gentle with yourself, not beating yourself up over your past decisions. I''ve known you for like, what, 3 months now? I thought you were just some naive kid, yet when I got to know you more, I realized you are experienced... More than I am! I look up to you, Beam. You''re funny, patient, thoughtful, honest, and sooo many more, but you get the jist. I dunno, take what you will with it, just know that everything I said is true and you have a lot to offer." There was silence on the other end. I thought the call might''ve dropped, so I spoke up again, "Uh, hello?"

    "Sorry-sorry... I''m still here. I was just absorbing everything you said."

    "Oh. Okay..."

    "... Tabi, that was probably the nicest thing you ever said to me."

    "Damn, that''s messed up! I poured my heart out and-"

    "I didn''t mean it like that! I meant it in a good way. I''m just kind of speechless. So for now, since I''m not sure how to convey my words, I''ll say thank you. It really does mean a lot coming from you Tabi..."

    "Hmmm, you''re welcome." Both of us were quiet now. It felt kind of awkward after everything I said. Maybe it was too much? I needed to end this call before I say something stupid again.

    "Okay, well that''s all for now. So I''ll talk to you later! Goodnight!"

    "Oh-yeah... Uh, goodnight Tabi." God, I hope I didn''t make him feel uncomfortable. That wasn''t my intention, but coming from an older woman maybe it sounded creepy. Whatever. I already said it, and now I can continue with my nightly routine of being self-absorbed over my own unhappiness.

    That was about 4 weeks ago at this point. Neither one of us brought it up again, and Beam continued to act as his normal self. I didn''t care, or at least I pretended not to care. I don''t know why it bothered me so much. He was just some kid that I had only known for a few months. I''m sure-actually I know, he hears praises all the time, so coming from me wouldn''t matter anyways.

 Chapter 20

    My plan was for today to just sit in my room and relax since it was my day off, yet those plans changed. It was getting close to noon and I heard my phone vibrating on my nightstand. I peeked over to see who was calling me and it was Beam. What does he want now?

    "Yes?"

    "You could sound a little more thrilled to talk to me."

    "Well you''re interrupting my ME time sooo..."

    Beam was really bad at sarcasm, he always sounded like he was being serious even when he wasn''t trying to be.

    "Oh-oh well I''m sorry!"

    "Is that you trying to be sarcastic?"

    "Uh... Yes. Does it still sound bad?" I began chuckling, "It''s terrible!"

    "Damn it! But anyways, I didn''t call you so that you could make fun of me! I called you because I wanted to know if you had plans today since it''s your day off."

    "Oh, I see... Ummm, no I guess I don''t have plans. Why?"

    "Do you, uh, want to go to the beach? Maybe? With me?"

    "Who else would I go with?"

    "Right! Duh!" Beam is so silly, it can be really cute at times.

    "Sure, let''s go to the beach. What time were you thinking?"

    "Really? Cool! Like, maybe I can come pick you up in an hour?"

    "Okay, that''s fine with me. Is there anything in particular I should bring?"

    "Ummm, if you plan on swimming then a bathing suit and a beach towel. I''ll bring drinks and food."

    "Are you sure you don''t want me to bring any food?"

    "Nope! I''m inviting you, so let me worry about that stuff."

    "Alright, if you say so. I''ll see you in an hour."

    "Bye Tabi!"

    "Buh-bye!"

    A beach day with Beam... This should be interesting. We''ve never done anything like this before. We normally just hung out in the city and went to the same places, so going to the beach with him will be a change of pace. I wonder if he''s bringing anyone else? I mean, I would assume so because it would be kind of boring if it was just me and him. I''m sure he would get bored quickly because I usually just like to take naps at the beach. Oh shit! I don''t think I have a bathing suit!

    I sprung out of bed and went looking through my drawer of clothes. I have a bathing suit top, but no bottom. How does this always happen to me? I never have both pieces, only one. I wonder if Fah has a bathing suit I could borrow.

    I walked out of my room, and knocked on her door, no answer. I guess I can try calling, I just hope I''m not bothering her. Suddenly, her door swung open! Fah looked half-cocked, she probably just woke up.

    "Sorry! I didn''t mean to wake you up!"

    "Uh... It''s okay... What''s... Hurrrrr... Up?"

    "Do you have a bathing suit I could borrow?" I usually try not to borrow her clothing, but every time I would ask she would size me up. It confused me each time because she knows I fit into most of her clothes.

    "Hmmm... Yeah I do. Hold on." Fah turned back around into her room and started rummaging through her closet. Less than a minute later, she came back over and threw me a lime green two piece bathing suit. I held it up and examined it, "Umm, Fah?"

    "Is there something wrong with it?"

    "No-no! It''s really cute, but it''s a bit... Cheeky..."

    "Cheeky?"

    "Like the bottom piece looks like a g-string." Fah started snickering and with a cocky smile, responded with, "How else are you supposed to seduce Beam?" This girl, I swear to God!

    "OH MY GOD! STOP IT!" My cheeks felt like they were burning up. I don''t even think of Beam in that way, so I''m not sure where her mind is.

    "Tabi, just wear shorts if it bothers you!"

    "Ugh! Okay, fine-fine! Thank you. I''ll return them, I promise."

    "It''s fine... Hurrrrr... I''m gonna go back to bed." Before I could say anything else, she shut the door. Fah was definitely not a morning person.

    I went back into my room to put on the bathing suit, and just as expected, half my ass is showing. Even the top piece is a bit low-cut. I shouldn''t be surprised at how revealing this suit is. Fah was very confident with her body, and she didn''t mind showing the world that. I threw on a pair of shorts, a loose gray T-shirt, and black flip flops.

    After an hour passed, I received a knock on the front door. I grabbed my belongings, and opened the door. Beam was standing there, giving me a little grin. Beam was always so well dressed, I guess that''s to be expected from a model. He was wearing a Hawaiian pink button-up, white shorts, black Adidas sandals, and had these round black sunglasses on, that reminded me of hippie glasses.

    "You look nice-" Why did I just say that to him? I glanced down at my feet, feeling a bit embarrassed at what I had just said. I didn''t want to see what his reaction was.

    "Oh, uh, thank you! You look nice too!"

    "Yeah... Thanks... Anyways, are you ready?"

    "Yes! Let''s go!" I shut the door to my apartment, and I briskly walked past Beam. We walked outside and got into his car. He even had a nice car too, I think it''s a Mercedes, but I could be wrong. I don''t know anything about cars, just how to drive them.

    As we began driving, I discovered that there was no one else in the car.

    "Are we meeting up with people there?" I wanted to know this because I usually like to mentally prepare myself when I meet new people, especially if it''s going to be any of his model "coworkers".

    "Hmmm, no. It''s just us."

    "Oh. Okay..."

    "Why? Did you want other people to come?"

    "No-no. That''s fine. I was just wondering."

    "Yeah... I know you don''t believe me, but I don''t hang out with a lot of other people, so I thought it would be nice to do something different today. I don''t think we''ve ever left Bangkok together."

    "That''s true. Where are we going exactly?"

    "We''re going to a beach in Cha-am."

    "Oh, where''s that?"

    "It''s a little further south. Probably over a two-hour drive, but you''ll like it there! It''s one of the nicer beaches that are closer to Bangkok.."

    "So we''ll probably get there around 3ish?"

    "Yeah, probably... You can take a nap if you want too."

    "No, that''s fine. I don''t want to be groggy when we get there."

    For the next 2 and a half hours, we talked about the area we were going to and what our goals were for today. Beam said he wanted to go swimming, whereas, I just wanted to lay down and soak up some vitamin D. Beam also brought up stuff about his family, "Tabi, what are you doing in like, hmmm, 3 weeks?"

    "Uh... I don''t normally think that far ahead, but probably nothing special. Why?"

    A case of literary theft: this tale is not rightfully on Amazon; if you see it, report the violation.

    "Well since I''ve been hanging out with you a lot, I''ve brought you up to my family-"

    In a sarcastic tone, I responded with, "Aw! You talk about me with your family?"

    "HA! HA! Don''t be too full of yourself!" I could see Beam''s ears turning red. It was fun making him feel nervous, and that was too easy to do. Beam continued, "No, but seriously, ummm... My family wants to meet you..." I was not expecting that! Meet his family? I mean, it really isn''t that big of a deal, nevertheless I started feeling nervous now.

    "Oh... I... I see. I, uh, guess that should be fine. But why?"

    "I-I dunno. My mom insisted on it, and then my younger sister chimed in, and also wants to meet you too. My dad just agrees with my mom no matter what... Sooo... Yeah. Maybe it''s because you''re the first American friend I''ve ever had? I-I I''m not sure..."

    "Right... It would be nice to meet them... Was there something they wanted to do, or just hang out at their home?"

    "I''m not sure... Look, Tabi, if you are just saying this to be nice and you feel uncomfortable about meeting them, then that''s totally fine. I won''t be offended!" I could see Beam had an anxious look on his face, while he was still focused on driving. Of course this made me uncomfortable, but probably not in the way he''s thinking. I''m just not sure why they would want to meet me. I didn''t want to pressure Beam into asking him all these questions.

    "Beam, it''s really fine. I''d be happy to meet them." He quickly glanced over at me, and I showed him a reassuring smile. He seemed to relax a bit more after that.

    It was probably closer to 3 hours since the traffic getting into Cha-am was a bit more crowded than we anticipated. As we started getting closer to the beach, I got a whiff of the ocean. This reminded me of the beaches back home in California. It started making me feel a bit homesick, but I didn''t want Beam to see that, so I put on a happy face.

    We pulled up to a parking lot that was located near the beach and grabbed our belongings out of the car. It was beautiful outside. The sun was shining down on my skin and there was a light breeze. I expected it to be more crowded on the beach due to the traffic we ran into, however there weren''t that many people. This was nice, I didn''t want to be surrounded by a bunch of couples or families. I just wanted me and Beam to enjoy our time here.

    I began laying my towel out and Beam busted out this big ol'' beach umbrella. I didn''t even notice him carrying it before, which had me cracking up. Beam was trying to stick the umbrella into the sand, when he saw me, he looked at me with a half-amused expression, "What''s so funny?"

    "When... the hell did you bring that umbrella out?"

    "You didn''t notice me carrying the huge umbrella?"

    "Hey! I was taking in the scenery... Not staring at you!"

    "Mhmm... Sure you were!"

    "Psh! Whatever!"

    I was already lying down on my towel before Beam was down setting up the umbrella. Once he was done, he finally laid out his towel and started unbuttoning his pink Hawaiian shirt. I had my sunglasses on, so I was really hoping that Beam didn''t notice that I was staring at him like a weirdo. He was much whiter than I thought, and his body shape was small, but not too skinny. He''s very natural looking, and I know he''s mentioned to me a few times that he works out occasionally, so perhaps he just doesn''t gain muscle easily.

    While I was distracted, eyeballing his body, all of a sudden Beam turned around to face me. I spun my head so far in the opposite direction that I slightly hurt my neck in the process.

    "Are you going to change?" I don''t think Beam noticed me, phew! But, wait! What did he just say?

    "Uh, what?"

    "Oh-oh... I-I didn''t mean it like that!"

    "Like what?"

    "Oh, ummm... Nothing! Anyways, I''m going to go swimming! You should come!"

    "Uh... I don''t know. I''m not much of a swimmer..." That was a lie. I mean, I''m not much of a swimmer, but I really wanted to go swimming. I just didn''t want Beam to see my bathing suit.

    "Oh come on Tabi! We didn''t drive all the way here for you to not go swimming!" Damn it... He was making this difficult!

    "Fine-fine! But you get in the water first and I''ll join afterwards!"

    "Fine weirdo! I''ll see you there!" Beam began running down towards the water. He reminded me of a little kid seeing the ocean for the first time. I''m not sure why, but whenever I see Beam happy, it instantly puts me in a better mood. Maybe it''s because he''s told me about his own personal problems, so I feel a closer connection to him? I wasn''t sure what the feeling was, still it was a nice feeling to have.

    Beam was swimming around now, which meant he was far enough to not see me get into the water. As fast as I could, I took my shirt and shorts off, and ran into the water. The water felt so amazing! It wasn''t too warm or too cold. It was the perfect temperature.

    Beam must''ve seen me because he began swimming back towards me. I was still able to stand on my feet, but not by a lot. And of course, when Beam got closer he was easily able to stand up with most of his upper half of his body showing.

    "The waters are nice right?"

    "Very nice! It''s definitely much different from California''s water!"

    "How is that?"

    "It''s way colder!"

    "HA! Oh, that''s too bad! But now you can say you''ve experienced warm ocean water!"

    "That''s true! This is one for the books!"

    "Do you want to swim out further?"

    "Oh, uh... I don''t know! It makes me a bit nervous..."

    "... You can... Uh hold onto me if you want to?"

    "How the hell am I supposed to hold onto you while you''re swimming? That seems really difficult!"

    "No-no I don''t think it would be! You''re small, so you could just, uh, wrap your arms around me from the back... Like when I go under water, then you go under water..." I stared at Beam suspiciously and wondered if that even made sense. I started to consider what he said, hmmm... I mean, I guess that can work... I think when I was a kid I was able to do that with my mom, so I don''t think the height difference would be a problem .

    "Ok Beam! Let''s go! But you gotta promise me you won''t leave me behind!"

    "Really? Yes, okay! I promise Tabi, I won''t leave you behind... Okay, now wrap your arms around me and just move along with my body, alright?"

    "Okay!" As Beam was facing the directions of the waves, I was staring at his back. I started to put my arms around him, he flinched!

    "Are you seriously ticklish?"

    "Uh-uh... Well don''t do it so slow! Just quickly wrap your arms!" Jesus, what a baby! I did what Beam told me to do, I swiftly wrapped my arms around his stomach. My body laid against his back, now that I think about it, I don''t think me and Beam have ever hugged before. Beam spoke up, "You ready?" Before I could say anything, he began swimming. It was an uncomfortable position, but it surprisingly worked. As he swam more out towards the ocean, every so often we both would dive underwater, beneath the waves. I held onto Beam so tight that I thought for sure he wouldn''t be able to handle it, but alas we made it far enough to where the waves were much calmer.

    I was still holding onto Beam when he finally said something, "... Tabi you can let go now..."

    "Oh, right!" I instantly let go of him, and automatically started to float in the ocean.

    The ocean was much more clear than California''s water. It was calming and the surrounding area was sublimity. If I had a boat, or something to float on, I don''t think I could see myself ever leaving. Since we had gotten to the beach late in the day, the sun was low which cast a sparkle on every part of the tiny ripples. As I gazed out toward the rest of the water, I muttered, "... It''s alluring..." Beam must''ve heard me because he responded with, "Yeah, it''s intimidating, but tranquil..." I couldn''t agree more. Beam was peering out towards the ocean, and I couldn''t keep from focusing on his features. His hair was slicked back-which most of the time his hair was always covering his forehead, so being able to see his full face made him seem even more stunning. I was smiling to myself, and when Beam glanced over at me, I couldn''t avert my gaze.

    "Wh-what are you staring at?"

    "So-sorry, I just don''t think I''ve ever seen you look like this before..."

    "Like what?" He looked anxious, and his expression made me feel stupid, so I faced back toward the ocean and said, "It''s nothing... Sorry..."

    We decided to swim back toward the beach. We did the exact same thing before, I wrapped my arms around Beam while he swam back. Once I was able to touch the bottom of the ocean bed, I let go of him and began walking ahead. Beam followed behind me without saying a word. As we got closer to our spot, where we had laid the towels out, something had come to mind... My fucking bottom piece! I spun around so fast that it made me feel dizzy! I glared at Beam, and he had his head down, not making eye contact. Out of sheer embarrassment, I shouted out, "THIS ISN''T MY BATHING SUIT!" My cheeks were flushed, I wanted to jump back in the water and die of embarrassment. Beam stood there, still not looking at me, and quietly said, "Uh, it-it''s ok..." I must have scarred the poor boy. No one wants to see their friends'' asses, especially when they''re old! It''s just cringy to see. Without turning around, I walked awkwardly while still facing Beam to reach for my towel that was lying out on the folding chair. I wrapped it around my waist and collapsed on the sand. I wasn''t sure what to say because the more I thought about it, the more I realized I probably shouldn''t have even talked in the first place. God Tabitha, keep your mouth shut!

    Beam sat down next to me, with his towel draped over his shoulders. We didn''t say much to each other, instead we watched the waves crashing down on one another. Besides me wearing a skimpy bathing suit and making an ass of myself, this moment right now is where I would rather be. When me and Beam hang out, sometimes we don''t say much and I''m okay with that. We kind of just enjoy the silence together.

    After a few minutes passed, Beam started talking, "Hey Tabi, can I ask you a personal question?"

    "I suppose you can."

    "You promise not to get upset?"

    "Ummm, it depends on the question, but I''ll try my best not to..."

    "... Would you ever get remarried?" What kind of question is that? The word marriage makes me feel sick, like I''m about to puke. I did promise Beam I wouldn''t get upset though.

    "Ummm... I don''t know to be honest... I''ve never really thought about it."

    "Oh, ok."

    "If I did decide to get remarried again, I think it would have to be with someone that understands that I have a lot of baggage... Someone who wants to settle down... Someone who I can feel calm with... I don''t know..."

    "I see."

    "... Why do you ask?"

    "Oh-uh, I''m just curious... I mean we''ve talked about a lot of personal stuff before, so I was just thinking about that... That''s all." I didn''t think it was too odd that Beam asked that question. He always asked questions like that before, especially personal ones. At first, it would really bother me, however over time I''ve grown used to the out-of-nowhere quizzing.

    "Hey Beam?"

    "Yeah?" He was still sitting crossed legged on the sand when he peeked over at me. His hair was drying up and poofed out more.

    "Do you want to watch the sunset?"

    "Sure Tabi." He had a joyful smile on his face, in return I smiled back.

    While there was still daylight, we chatted on and off, and at one point Beam took a nap. As the Sun began lingering over the water, I gently shook Beam awake, "Hey..." Beam must''ve been a light sleeper because he popped up like a bullet.

    "Y-yeah?"

    "Sorry! But the sun is about to go down..." Beam gazed out across the ocean, still trying to wake up from his cat nap. When his eyes met with the light of the Sun, they widened, "... It''s so pretty..." At this moment, I wasn''t even looking at the sunset, but at Beam. There was something about him that made me feel empathetic and hopeful. I wasn''t sure why I had felt this way and this kind of thinking also shot a pain of guilt in me too. I know my happiness comes first, however I had this urge to make Beam happy too. Soon the pale tint of orange that illuminated Beam''s face grew darker, as did the backdrop. The once beautiful crimson scenario had now turned into sheer darkness.

 Chapter 21

    I slept for the entire car ride back home from Cha-am. The sun had engulfed all the energy out of me. Beam let me sleep the whole time until we arrived back at my apartment. Beam lightly shook me awake, "Tabi, your home..." I didn''t want to get up, I felt so groggy that the position I was already in was comfortable enough.

    "... Ugh..."

    "Tabi, do you really plan on sleeping in my car the entire night?"

    "... Ugh... Yes..." I didn''t want to move from my spot.

    "Fine! I''ll sleep in here too..." At a snail''s pace, I lifted my body in the seat and gave a nice long stretch. I yawned loudly, not caring how obnoxious I sounded. Beam quietly yawned to himself afterwards. While still trying to wake up, I attempted to convene my sentence, "... Thanks... For today Beam. I needed this."

    "You''re welcome... Thanks, umm, for coming with me."

    "Thanks for inviting me."

    "Should we just keep thanking each other?" Beam had a grin on his face and I replicated my smile with his.

    "Anyways, I won''t sleep in your car I guess, so I''ll get going." I opened the car door and grabbed my belongings. Before I could say goodnight to Beam, he interrupted, "Did you really want to meet my family?"

    "Umm... Didn''t I say I would?"

    "Yeah-yes I know you said... I''m just making sure..."

    "Do you not want me to meet them?"

    "No-no that''s not it! I would lov- like for you to meet them. I just wanted to double-check, that''s all."

    "Oh, okay... Yeah just keep me updated and you know my schedule for the most part, so just plan for it on one of my days off."

    "Yeah, I can do that. I''ll let you know... Well, I''ll let you go then."

    "Okay Beam... Goodnight..."

    "Goodnight Tabi..." I felt a bit diffident about the way Beam said goodnight, so I gave a quick wave goodbye, shut the car door, and took off to the apartment building.

    As I entered my home, I was greeted by Fah, "Soooo, how was today?" She said this is in a teasing voice, which made me feel even more shy.

    "It was good..."

    "... Anything happen?"

    "Nope, we just went to the beach and chilled out."

    "Oh my god Tabi! Nothing happened between you two?"

    "WHY WOULD SOMETHING HAPPEN?"

    "UMM HELLO! DO I NEED TO SPELL IT OUT? You and the model boy like each other!"

    "JESUS! I think we like each other, but not in the way you''re thinking."

    "Bullshit! What guy, who isn''t gay, hangs out with a girl every chance he gets, and the other way around with you?"

    "That''s presumptuous of you Fah! Gay, or not, I think you can enjoy someone''s company and not have to be romantically involved with them."

    "I DON''T BUY IT! I think you both like each other, but are being too stupid to admit it! I''m not trying to be a bitch Tabi, but don''t you like Beam? Not just as a friend, but more than that?"

    "I like Beam as a friend! He''s nice and listens to me complain about shit, but I don''t think of him like that!" Fah was starting to irritate me. I don''t understand why if I''m friends with a guy that it automatically means I like them! I''m sure Beam would feel the same way. If Beam liked me, he would''ve shown, or told me by now.

    "Ugh! You and the pretty boy piss me off! I don''t know who hurt you in your past Tabi, but some day you''re going to realize too late that you and Beam are meant for each other!" Fah stomped back into her room and slammed the door shut. I stood there in the living room, stunned at what she had just said. I don''t understand why it matters if me and Beam like each other, like that. My head was spinning and I needed to lay down.

    Holding my head, I crawled into my bed, wondering why I was feeling like this. If what Fah said were true, why would Beam like me? He works with beautiful people all day long and I''m just some average person, with commitment and emotional issues. I don''t know what to think anymore, and because of this, I now feel even more strange about meeting Beam''s family. What if they''re expecting some gorgeous girl to show up with him? I''m not that person... I-I can never be that person. My heartbeat began thumping faster and my breathing became ragged. I squeezed my pillow, in hopes I could release all my worries into the inanimate object. Without warning, I heard my phone vibrating in my purse. I wanted to ignore it, but it kept going, like it was trying to distract me. I shot up and started digging through my purse until I found my phone. What the hell? Beam was calling me...

    This content has been misappropriated from Royal Road; report any instances of this story if found elsewhere.

    "Umm, hello?"

    "Are you okay?" Do I sound that shaken up?

    "Uh, yeah-yeah... I''m fine."

    "You don''t sound fine..." I wasn''t sure what I should say next. My throat felt tight and my mouth became dry. I was suffocating and I didn''t want Beam to worry about it.

    "... I-I''m fine Beam! What do you want?" Why did I feel the need to lash out at him? I don''t want him to hear me at my weakest moment, so instead I get angry!

    "Tabi I''m coming over!"

    "DON''T! I DON''T NEED YOU TO COME OVER!"

    *Click*

    What the hell! He hung up on me! I wasn''t expecting that... I hated yelling at people, especially him. He''s been so kind to me... Why did I always push people away?

    These melancholy thoughts came creeping in like bugs, making me feel more terrible about myself.

    I threw my phone across the room and dived back into bed, throwing my blankets on top of me. I couldn''t hold back my tears any longer. I began hyperventilating with a stream of water running down my face.

    "... I hate myself... You''re so stupid... Stupid... Stupid..." I cursed at myself repeatedly. I should have never yelled at Fah or Beam. They''ve become good friends and I''ve ruined it. I''ll never be the same again... Why did you have to leave me James? This was all my fault! I don''t believe I deserve this life...

    I laid in bed, staring at the ceiling. My breathing had regulated, but I was still crying quietly to myself. I wasn''t sure how much time had gone by, when I heard a knock at the door. I stayed silent, hoping whoever was there would go away, but then I heard a voice I didn''t expect to hear, "... Tabi... Can I come in?" It was Beam.

    I wasn''t sure what had gotten over me, but I sprinted out of bed and ran to the door. I flew it open, and there stood Beam, looking shocked and concerned. The tears appeared even faster once I saw him. I was so overwhelmed to see Beam, that I threw my arms around him. I cried hysterically into his shoulder. I could see Fah was a few feet behind him, she seemed like she was crying too. Beam embraced me into his arms. He was soothing the back of my head gently, repeating the same words, "It''s okay Tabi... You can cry..."

    While I still had my arms around him, he gracefully carried me over to the couch. He sat down first and stuck his arms out towards me, "Come here Tabi..." I crawled into his body and nestled my head into his chest. I felt like a kid who had a nightmare and was being consulted by their parent. Laying into Beam was so comfortable, my body fit well into his. While I heard his steady breathing, I began mimicking it. I was still crying, yet not as hard as I was a few minutes ago. I was squeezing him, afraid that if I let go I would fall back into that dark void.

    As the tears became less and less, as did my energy. I was beginning to drowse off when I heard Beam''s voice, "... Tabi... I''m not going to abandon you." I whispered into his chest, "... Beam..." as I drew myself closer to him. I wanted nothing more than to be with Beam. In my darkness, he was the only source of light I had. Maybe I was being selfish, nevertheless I... I know he is someone special to me and I don''t ever want to leave his side.

    ? ? ?

    My eyes were still closed when I noticed I was laying down on an unfamiliar padding, it was the couch out in the living room. I pushed the weight of my body up with my arms and took a look around the room. My eyes were barely open, but I noticed Beam laying on the other end of the L-shaped sofa. He was asleep, but he seemed to have positioned himself so that our heads were close together.

    After a night of crying, my eyelids were so swollen that I could barely open my eyes. I couldn''t find my phone to check the time, but it must''ve been early in the morning because it still sounded peaceful outside.

    I needed to use the bathroom, although I did not want to get off the couch to interrupt Beam''s sleep. So as gently as I could, I forced myself up, and like the wind, I tiptoed to the bathroom.

    Yep, just as I thought, it looked like I was in a boxing match last night. My eyes and the surrounding area were so red and puffy. I grabbed a hand towel and soaked it under cold water, then put the towel over my eyes to try and get the swelling down. I knew it wasn''t going to work instantly, but thought it might help just a little.

    I grabbed my phone from my bedroom, and attempted to sneak back into the living room and onto the sofa. As I sat down, I thought I had succeeded in not waking up Beam, however I failed because Beam''s head darted up as soon as I was trying to lie back down.

    I tried to speak up, but my voice cracked midway, "Hey-" Beam looked so drained, nevertheless he still managed to give me a tender smile.

    "How are you feeling Tabi?"

    "Umm, I''m okay... How are you?"

    "I''m okay too..." He looked down at the couch and started patting it, "... This is pretty comfortable." I glanced down and gave it a light pat, "Yeah, it''s not too bad actually..." I wasn''t sure how to interact with Beam. After everything that happened last night, I willingly showed a side to him that I didn''t believe was possible. With Hinata, it was different. He found me. I wasn''t looking for him during my time of crisis. He just got lucky that Cho told him what had happened between me and her, and to find me in a random field in Tokyo. But Beam... I didn''t need to pick up his phone call. I didn''t need to open my door. I didn''t need to come crashing on him, draining all my worries into him... Still, I chose to do all those things, and I wanted Beam to know how I felt.

    "Hey Beam..." He gazed up at me with his innocent brown eyes, looking directly at me, "Yeah, Tabi?"

    "I-I... Last night... Well, I''m sorry to have put you through that... Umm, actually, I''m not sorry. That is who I am in this part of my life. I get upset, and angry, easily when people bring up topics without any warning. That''s something that''s always been a problem for me, even before James passed away..." I fiddled with my necklace, "... It''s just gotten worse. I don''t like acting this way, it makes me hate myself even more. I''m a mess and I don''t know if I''ll ever get better, but... But there are good things too: Thailand, the animals at the shelter, getting out of my comfort zone, Fah, and... And of course... You Beam. You are one of those good things. You make me happy..." My stomach dropped and my body became fidgety. I can''t believe I was saying all this to him! It was like a confession... Actually, it IS a confession.

    Beam was sitting up at this point, staring at me, looking just as stunned as I was. He wasn''t saying anything and I didn''t blame him for that. I kind of just threw this all on him without much thought. Even if he didn''t feel the same way, I just wanted him to know that I cared about him.

    Finally, Beam reached his hand out and set it on top of mine. He looked at me in the eyes, and said, "Tabi... I like you, a lot. You make me happy too." I didn''t want to start crying again, but I could feel my throat getting tight and my eyes watering. I turned my head so that Beam wouldn''t see me, however he gently put his hand on top of my head. I bashfully turned my head back around to face him, and Bean was smiling. It was a gentle smile, one letting me know that it was okay to cry. I leaned forward into Beam and dug my head into his chest, he put his arms around me, and I silently cried while he moved his hand back and forth across my back. Right now, I felt a weight had been lifted off my shoulders.

 Chapter 22

    A few days after my meltdown, Beam had to leave for Shanghai. I remember he showed up at my apartment the day before and seemed really upset. I had thought it was maybe something I did wrong, instead it was just him feeling guilty about leaving me. Of course when he first approached the subject, I felt extremely nervous about being apart from him, but I did not dare to tell him that. He has his own life too and I did not want to get in the way of it.

    Beam and I weren''t in a relationship, even after I spilled my guts to him, however I could feel our relationship was closer than it was before. He called me everyday while he was away, and even when we did not talk on the phone, he would make the effort to send me a text letting me know what he was doing. I never asked him to do this, although I could tell he was doing this for my sake; the feeling was nice.

    Beam had told me he would be gone for at least a week, which was fine with me because I think I needed this alone time. After everything that had happened, I wanted some sort of meditation. And so a few days after he left, I decided to take a trip to a Buddhist temple, but not just any Buddhist temple, The Wat Pho. The temple houses the biggest collection of Buddha images in Thailand, including a 46m long reclining Buddha.

    I decided to wake up early to try and get to the temple when it opened. If I could avoid the crowds then, that would be preferable. Even though it was starting to get closer to March, the weather here was still in the 90s. Sometimes I found it strange living in a country where the weather doesn''t change much and there''s really only one season.

    As I scoured through my clothes, I found a black short romper that I had totally forgotten about. I put it on and it seemed to still fit me, it was a little loose, but it looked nice. I put my walking shoes on because I still wasn''t sure how long I was going to be at the temple for, or even how large this Temple really was. I grabbed a backpack, threw all my stuff in it and headed out the front door.

    I managed to catch the bus before it left. There weren''t many people on, which I''m assuming you won''t find a lot of people awake here early on a Saturday morning, maybe tourists, not the locals though.

    The bus ride went by relatively quickly and once I had arrived at my last stop, I was introduced to a rather large tower. I thought maybe this was the temple, but it was not because I got closer and read a sign that said: ?????? Drum Tower

    Once I realized the temple was across the street, I made my way over to that area. I walked around for quite a while until I found an entrance. This place was massive, and I kind of wish I had someone with me now since I didn''t seem to know where I was going.

    I paid the entrance fee and made my way inside the temple. There weren''t many people, only a few elderly men and women walking around, but that was it. As I began my stroll, I really started taking in my surroundings. This place was amazing. There was a nice mix of greenery, but also gray and red pavement for the pathways. The color schemes blended in so nicely with each other, and you couldn''t really tell that this place was built in the 16th century. Every corner I went around, there would be a new Buddha statue, big or small, they were everywhere.

    This was divine. I was taken by the beautiful sculptures and architecture that this temple provided. I found a nearby bench where no one was around so I could take in all of its beauty.

    I had thought long and hard on why I came here to begin with. I know I needed the peace of mind that coming to a Buddhist temple would make me feel better, and I guess it distracted me from everything that was going on as of late. I knew I was moving too fast, or at least it felt like I was. I had still been getting over James passing away and Hinata lying to me, and now with Beam... Well, I wasn''t sure what to do. Was this visit to the temple actually helping? Or was this just my way of coping?

    There''s a saying that goes, "Before you can make anyone else happy, you have to be happy first..." Or it goes something like that. I don''t think I''ll ever be happy, but maybe I''m just so used to being alone and scared that when something good comes my way, I find a way to ruin it. I don''t want to be like this, nevertheless I still manage to screw things up.

    As I was lost in my thoughts, I was distracted by the sound of leaves crunching nearby. I turned my head slightly to see where the noise came from, and there was an elderly couple walking side by side, with their arms hooked around one another. The smiles on their faces were enough to know that they were happy with the life they had lived together. The corners of my lip curled upwards and I had an epiphany! People find happiness in all sorts of things, whether that be hobbies or their careers. I know I keep saying that I just want to be happy again, however I was the happiest when I was with James and that will never be the same. I think what I want most is to have someone who I can grow old with. I thought that was going to be me and James, except life has a way of throwing you curveballs. Now that James is gone, I don''t have that special person by my side anymore, although that doesn''t mean someone else can''t come along. Maybe that''s why I keep trying to latch on to someone, I just want to care for another person and that person to care for me... Isn''t that what everyone wants in life? To be loved?

    I continued my walk around the temple and took pictures as I went along the pathway. As it started getting closer to 10, more people began entering the grounds. I didn''t want to be surrounded by the crowds, so I made my way to the reclining Buddha to take photos before leaving.

    This story is posted elsewhere by the author. Help them out by reading the authentic version.

    I began my walk back to the bus stop when I felt my phone vibrating, I looked down to check who was calling and it was Beam.

    "Hey!"

    "Tabi, why are you awake so early?"

    "I wake up early all the time!"

    "Yeah I know, but it''s your day off and I''m surprised you''re up, that''s all. It sounds like you''re walking too. Where are you?"

    "Well since you asked, I actually visited a temple today."

    "That''s surprising! Which temple? Are you by yourself?"

    "Wat Pho and yes I am."

    "What? Why did you go by yourself? I would have gone with you!" I could hear the tone in his voice. He sounded almost annoyed, which made me feel annoyed.

    "I didn''t know I was supposed to wait for you."

    "Yeah, I know! But I would have liked to have gone with you and you didn''t have to go by yourself." Jesus, are we really going to argue about this?

    "Maybe I wanted to go by myself..." It was quiet on his end, which made me think that I probably shouldn''t have said that. As I got closer to the bus stop, I saw my bus arriving.

    "I gotta catch the bus so I''ll talk to you later."

    "... Okay, bye Tabi."

    *Click*

    I didn''t know Beam could be so moody, but it''s not my fault and I don''t know why he''s so upset. I felt like I had a pretty relaxing time and that phone call just took away all that energy from me.

    Later on that night, I was lying in bed still waiting to hear from Beam. We hadn''t spoken since this morning, which meant he was probably still upset from what I said. Again, I don''t think I did anything wrong, but I still felt I should try and talk to him.

    I grabbed my phone from the charger and opened up the message app. I stared blankly at my phone screen, not sure on what to text him. I don''t know if I should apologize, except I don''t really want to because maybe that might make him more annoyed. The longer I stared at my phone screen, the more I became frustrated. He''s the one that hung up on me, so I shouldn''t be the one to reach out to him first.

    I closed out the app and put my phone back down on the charger. I don''t have time to deal with this petty drama. If he wants to talk to me, then he can, but two can play that game.

    ? ? ?

    My time here in Thailand started to feel like when I first moved out here. I worked, went home, and slept. Beam was still in Shanghai and would occasionally send me photos, but when I would respond to them he wouldn''t say anything, just respond with more photos. I tried not to let it bug me and maybe both of us were just being stubborn. It was a battle of who was going to speak first.

    Beam was supposed to be coming home soon, and so I texted him asking if he was still coming back on Wednesday. He didn''t respond until an hour later and only responded with, "I''ll be back on Friday." So I guess he''s spending more time there... This was bothering me. I wanted to cave in and say that I was sorry, however the other part of me didn''t want to fall for any tricks. I was tired of being dragged along. I know I''m probably letting my pride get in the way and sometimes I have to be the bigger person, except in this case, this wasn''t my fault. I don''t know what I should do. I''ve been picking up more shifts at work to distract me, but as soon as I get home my mind takes me to Beam.

    I had to get up soon and get ready for work. I took someone''s night shift and this will be my first time working one. I began getting dressed and fixing my hair up in a messy bun. Before leaving my bedroom, I took a look at myself in the mirror and gave a dramatic sigh, "Snap out of it Tabitha..."

    I walked out into the kitchen and started grabbing some snacks, when Fah walked out of her room.

    "Hey where are you going?" She knows that I never work night shifts, so she seemed a bit confused to see me getting ready to leave somewhere.

    "I picked up a few shifts at work and one of them is a night shift... I don''t want to go now."

    "Oh that''s where you''re going!" Me and Fah have been better, though I can tell she still feels a bit awkward about what happened almost a week ago.

    "Yep. Do you have plans tonight?"

    "Of course!" She shot me a cheeky smile, "I''m going on a date"

    "WHAT? With who?"

    "You haven''t met her yet, but her name is Gwen. She''s American like you."

    "Oh, nice nice. Well I hope you have a good time tonight."

    "Thanks... Hey! When is Beam coming back?"

    "Oh, umm not till Friday I guess." She must''ve noticed my expression changed because she gave me a worried look.

    "We''re fine Fah... Just umm... It''s stupid, but we''re fine though."

    "Hmmm, okay Tabi. If you say so. I''m here if you need me." She came in for a hug and I gave her one back.

    "Thanks Fah. I-uh, I''m going to go now, so I''ll see you later."

    "Bye! Have a good day at work!" I tried my best giving her a warm smile, but it probably looked more like an awkward one.

    ? ? ?

    If I wasn''t such a morning person, I would probably prefer the night shift because of how easy everything was. I realize now how hard I must work and how little the night shift people have to work. We basically are just on patrol, and making sure all the pets are sleeping and are being fed. The only thing that we pretty much have to do is just clean up and that''s about it.

    As it got closer to the end of my shift, I checked down to see what time it was: 10:52 p.m. Okay, so I''ll be off in less than 10 minutes.

    As I began walking back to the office to do one last patrol, one of the other girls I was working with came skipping over towards me. She had a big grin across her face, "Tabitha!"

    "Uh, yeah?"

    "You have a visitor!"

    "What?" A visitor? Who else would be here?

    "It''s a guy here to see you. He says he''s a friend, but I know there''s something between you two!" She was practically bouncing up and down with how excited she was about this news of me having a visitor. The only person I can think of that knows where I work is Beam... A smile began to form.

    "Oh! You look excited! Go ahead and see your ''friend''! I''ll close up the rest!"

    I tried to wipe the smile off my face, but I couldn''t get rid of it.

    "Are you sure? There''s only a few minutes lef-"

    "Go! I got it! Don''t worry!"

    Without running down the halls, I walked as fast as I could to grab the rest of my stuff and head outside to see Beam. I could feel myself getting butterflies and getting all giddy to see him. The argument we had seemed pointless now because all I wanted to do was give him a hug and tell him I missed him.

    I waved goodbye to the girl, whose name I do not know, and made my way out the front door. I burst through the doors looking around for Beam, but I did not see him. I didn''t see anyone. Just then, a voice spoke out from behind me, "Hi Tabitha..." That voice. I know that voice and it was not Beam. I didn''t want to turn around because I knew who was there. I felt my palms getting sweaty and shaky. The butterflies were gone and it felt like there was a block in my stomach. That voice belonged to Hinata.

 Chapter 23

    I stood there, catatonic, not wanting to believe what was happening. How did Hinata find me? Why did he come looking for me? Questions were racing through my mind when I felt the brush of a hand on my shoulder. Startled, I jumped up and swung myself around, turning on defense mode.

    "Whoa! Easy Tabitha!" Hinata stepped back a bit, with his hands up.

    "Don''t come near me!" I was scared. I didn''t know what he wanted with me.

    "Tabitha, I''m not going to hurt you! You can relax-"

    "I don''t want to hear it! I-I don''t understand-why-why are you here?"

    "You left without any warning, so I thought something happened-"

    "BULLSHIT! You''re a liar Hinata!"

    "¨­goe o dasanaide kudasai!"

    "I can do whatever I want! I-I just don''t understand why you''re here!" I was so angry, which caused tears to stream down my face, "You lied to me! You''re a liar and a cheater!"

    Hinata stayed quiet this time. I glanced up at him, and just from the expression alone, I could tell what I had said was registering with him. I really liked Hinata. Loved him? I''m not sure, but during my time of darkness in Tokyo he took that loneliness away and made me look forward to going out.

    Hinata spoke up, "Tabitha, can we go somewhere to talk?" I didn''t think it was necessary to talk, but before I could say that Hinata grabbed my hand, "Please?" The look on his face was one of an old lost soul. He seemed to have aged since the last time I saw him. Even in the darkness, his wrinkles stuck out more and his once well-put-together look, had now seemed a bit rugged.

    I nodded my head as he continued to hold onto my hand and we began walking down the street. His grip was tight, as if he knew if he let go I would run away, which I probably would.

    The walk was short, less than 5 minutes away we had found a restaurant that was still open this late at night. They welcomed us in and sat us in an area where there were no other people eating. I had no appetite to eat anything, so I only ordered water. Hinata glared at me, "Nanka tabeta kata ga ¨© to omou yo."

    "I''m not hungry."

    "Iji (o ) haranaide kudasai yo." Even though the waiter could not understand what Hinata and I were arguing about, I could tell we were making him uncomfortable.

    "Fine." I quickly glanced at the menu and looked back up at the waiter, "Just the veggie spring rolls please." The waiter bolted off with our orders and me and Hinata were left alone once again.

    I had so much I wanted to tell him, but at the same time I felt he didn''t deserve to hear any of it. My blood was boiling, and yet, there was a part of me that had a soft spot for him. Maybe that was because Hinata had a way of making me feel like I was the only girl in the world, of course that was a lie, however it still didn''t change the fact that''s how I felt when I was around him. Despite that, I hated him, and he knew this, nevertheless I could feel his eyes gazing upon me as though we were the only two people in this restaurant.

    After what felt like an eternity, I could not stay quiet any longer. I drew in a silent breath and demanded answers from him, "How did you find me?"

    Hinata''s mouth started to form a grin, like he had some secret he was about to share.

    "Tabitha, I know a lot of people, and not to seem rude, but you''re not very good at keeping a low profile..." He was trying to hold back laughter, which pissed me off more.

    "What the fuck is that supposed to mean?" I''m trying my best to keep an indoor voice, except he''s making this really difficult for me.

    He was looking so proud of himself, like he was preparing for an audience to come out and cheer him on. I could tell he was taking his sweet time on answering my question and he knew this was getting under my skin. I did not want to show it was bothering me, but I tend to wear my emotions on my sleeves.

    "Can you please just answer my question?"

    "Oh Tabitha..." He paused, looking around the room and came in closer with a whisper, "You and your model boyfriend."

    Breathe Tabitha, breathe! Don''t show him any kind of emotion, "So? He''s just a friend."

    "Ha! I''m sure the photos would say otherwise because you guys sure look cute together. He''s younger too, right?"

    My face was burning hot and my hands were beginning to clamp up. I don''t want Hinata to know how much I care for Beam, or even worse, I don''t want Hinata to hurt him. I don''t know what he''s capable of and I don''t want to find out.

    "So you came all the way here just for some photos?" Hinata''s grin went away as he didn''t seem to enjoy that remark. Good, that''s what I want... To get under his skin instead.

    "Hinata, regardless of the photos that you may have seen. We''re not together anymore and we''ll never be. I have a life here now that I''m enjoying and I don''t plan on leaving it anytime soon so I''m not sure what your purpose is for being-"

    "MY PURPOSE!" Hinata slammed his hand down on the table. I''ve never seen this side of him before and it was making me frightened! My face must''ve looked startled because Hinata quickly gained his composure again, "I''m sorry Tabitha! I didn''t mean to scare you! My purpose though... Is to get you back."

    "Umm, what?"

    "I love you." If my jaw could''ve dropped to the floor like in the cartoons, it probably would''ve because what the fuck is he talking about? Love?

    "You don''t love me Hina-"

    "BUT I DO! After you left, I didn''t know what to do with myself! By now you know I was in a loveless marriage and-and I left her so I could be with you..."

    This was all so overwhelming and I began to feel like I was about to faint. I could see Hinata''s lips still moving, but I could not hear a word he was saying. I want to be gone from this situation. Why did I have to put myself in this? And then I felt his hand grab onto mine. I yanked it back and shouted, "STOP IT! Are you fucking delusional?"

    Hinata looked shocked, as if I were the crazy one. Has he lost his mind? This wasn''t the Hinata I knew from before. I had admired him because of his confidence, but this was different, he''s erratic. I couldn''t take this insanity any longer. I stood up from my chair and rummaged through my purse.

    "Where are you going Tabitha?"

    "I can''t talk to you when you''re like this! You''re not making any sense!" I managed to find some loose change and threw it down onto the table, "Here''s for the food! I''m leaving!"

    "DON''T LEAVE!"

    I didn''t want to make more of a scene than we already had been, however I wanted to get as far away from Hinata as quickly as I could, so I picked up a brisk pace to get out of that restaurant.

    Once I reached outside of the restaurant I started running. I was honestly so scared of Hinata and what he might do. I never thought of him to ever harm me, but with the mindset he was in, I''m afraid that he just might do that.

    I heard the cry of my name being called out from behind me, "TABITHA!"

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    Don''t look back! Just keep running! I could hear from a distance the sound of footfall catching up to me. "Keep running Tabitha" is what I told myself, but it was no use. Hinata was much faster than me and before I knew it, his arms were locked around me from behind.

    "GET OFF ME!" I shouted as loud as I could, except there was no one around to hear me.

    "STOP RESISTING ME TABITHA!"

    I pushed and shoved with the strength I had left to get out of Hinata''s hold. There was even one point where I turned around and smacked him, but it did not seem to phase him.

    The weather had been rather humid all day and during that time of struggle, I began to feel tiny raindrops on my face. I always thought that rain was a bad omen and I had wished it wasn''t happening at this very moment.

    Once my strength had left my body, I resorted to the next thing I could think of, words. I grabbed Hinata''s face, "WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS TO ME?"

    The tiny droplets of rain began to form bigger and faster, which started to cause any other noise to cancel out. At this point, Hinata and I were shouting at each other.

    "I LOVE YOU TABITHA!"

    "NO! NO YOU DON''T!"

    "WHY CAN''T YOU JUST BELIEVE ME?"

    "YOU HAVE A FAMILY! THEY LOVE YOU! YOU NEED-NEED TO GO BACK!"

    Hinata still had me locked in his arms and I still had my hands placed on his cheeks. He looked scared and confused, I couldn''t tell from the rain, but it looked like he was crying.

    Hinata lowered his voice, along with his eyes, "You don''t love me?"

    "I-I liked you Hinata... A lot, but-but I-"

    "JUST SAY IT!"

    "I LOVE SOMEONE ELSE!"

    I did not want him knowing this, but I had no other choice. I didn''t want to lie to him because I''m not a liar like he is.

    Hinata dropped me from his arms and I took a few steps back. He stood there, looking down at the puddle that was forming in front of us.

    "It''s that model boy, isn''t it?"

    "Does it matter?"

    He looked up at me, his eyes were intense like he was about to lose control any second.

    "Hinata! Regardless if I love someone else, you and I could never be. You''re a liar and a cheat! I''m not even sure why your wife decided to stay with you as long as she-"

    Hinata had rushed over so quickly that I did not have time to dodge his hand that came hurtling towards my face.

    My left cheek began flaring up and I could feel the heat spreading throughout the entire side of my face. I held my hand up against it, as though holding my hand would help relieve the pain I was feeling. I was astonished. I had never been hit by someone of the opposite sex, especially someone who you thought would never hurt you.

    "Don''t you fucking dare talk about my family! You know nothing!"

    I didn''t even care anymore. He can belittle me and hit me all he wants, if this means he''ll go away then I''ll take it!

    "Tabitha... I-I I''m sorry! I didn''t mean to hurt you! You know I would never do anything to hurt-"

    "Please stop..."

    "... You! You were just saying some really awful things and-and my anger-"

    My head was facing towards the ground and with the heavy sounds of rain pouring, I knew Hinata couldn''t hear me repeating the words, "Please stop." I had felt mentally and physically drained. I wanted no part of this, but I didn''t know how to force Hinata to leave me alone. Should I just go back to Japan with him? If I were to go back to Japan, I''m pretty sure his wife would end up killing me. I don''t want Beam getting involved in any of this, so I''m not sure what I should even do. I''m at the point of giving up and caving in with whatever Hinata wants me to do...

    All of a sudden, I heard someone shouting in the distance. Puzzled, I slowly picked my head up and swiveled it around. Hinata was still talking and he didn''t seem to notice my confusion or hear the shouting. I heard the shouting again, only this time I could make out more clearly on what was being said, "Tabi!" That sounds like Beam! My heart was racing! I looked at Hinata, he heard the shouting too.

    I wanted to run after him and let him know that I was right here, but I knew Hinata wouldn''t let me go.

    "Well, it seems like your boyfriend found you..." Hinata sounded pissed. As happy as I was that Beam was nearby, I also felt a sense of dread. As the shouting got closer from behind me, every step Beam took was almost like he was running to his death. I couldn''t let that happen. I needed to get to him first before Hinata did anything.

    Without thinking, I turned around and began sprinting towards the sound of Beam''s voice. It was raining hard and there weren''t many street lights to help me find Beam.

    "BEAM!" I yelled as loud as I could!

    "BEAM!"

    "TABI?" He wasn''t far away! I didn''t know if Hinata was following after me, but I did not want to stop and find out.

    "BEAM!" Where was he? I could hear him, except I couldn''t see anything! I was still running, almost out of breath when all of a sudden a street lamp turned on in the distance. Standing underneath that street lamp was Beam. He glanced up at the sudden light and looked around at his surroundings.

    As exhausted as I was from running, seeing Beam standing there so close to me, I began smiling to myself. I ran so fast towards him that I was afraid he would disappear at any moment.

    Beam must''ve heard the splashing of water because he started looking in my direction, putting his hand over his eyes to get a better look. Before he could even register it was me, I leapt towards him with my arms wide open.

    This all felt like a dream, for some reason it felt like I would never see Beam ever again and that first embrace almost didn''t feel real. I was holding onto Beam so tight and sobbing into his chest. All the weight in my body became heavy and I couldn''t hold myself up any longer. As I began letting go of Beam, he pulled me right back up and held me into his arms.

    "Tabi!"

    "I-I I''m so sorry Beam! I--"

    "Shh... It''s okay! I''m here! I-I thought something... Something terrible happened to you..." He pushed me away from his chest, still with both hands on my shoulders, he stared down at me, "Why didn''t you pick up your phone Tabi? You had me worried to death! I waited at your apartment and-and you never showed up! I-I didn''t know what happened-I was so scared!"

    Before I could explain to him what happened, Beam gave me a bewildered stare, "What happened to your face?"

    I quickly shot my hand up to cover the marking Hinata had left me.

    "Tabi what happened to your face?" Beam has gotten mad at me before, but this sounded more like a concerned parent about to lecture their child. Before I could explain, another voice shot up from behind me, "Sorry, but I hate to interrupt!" That was Hinata!

    Beam looked over to where the voice was coming from, "H??? c?h?n ch?wy xar? d?? b?¨¡ng?"

    Then Beam spoke up again, but with more annoyance in his voice, "N¨©? p?n re???xng s??wn bukhkhl ch?wy xxk p? d?wy!"

    Beam had no clue who this person was walking up to us and I didn''t want Hinata to come any closer, so I shouted at him, "Hottoite!"

    "Watashi ni anata no kareshi o sh¨­kai shite kuremasen ka?"

    Beam was still holding onto me when he looked down towards me, "Tabi, do you know him?"

    "She does!" Hinata answered before I could.

    "We were actually very close in Japan. I''m surprised she never mentioned me to you-"

    "Kutabare!"

    "Tabitha, you don''t need to be so mean to me in front of your friend!" Hinata sounded so pleased that he was pissing me off.

    "Anyways, where was I? Oh yes! I''m Hinata... Tabitha and I were very close when she was living in Japan. She worked for me and... Well, let''s just say we became more than friends-"

    "SHUT UP HINATA! JUST GO AWAY!" This is not how I wanted Beam to find out about why I left Japan, but I knew I needed to act quickly.

    I turned over to look at Beam. His attention was still on Hinata with his nostrils flaring up.

    "Beam, look at me! Don''t listen to him!" I couldn''t tell if Beam was angry at me, and that scared me a lot. I didn''t want to lose him too.

    Abruptly, Beam let go of me and started walking towards Hinata.

    "Beam! Wait!" Hinata was going to hurt him if he got any closer. I tried holding him back, but it was no use. Beam was much stronger than me and didn''t even flinch when I tried pulling his arm back towards me.

    Beam walked straight up to Hinata. I did not notice before, but Beam was taller than Hinata by a few inches.

    I stood about 6 feet away from where Beam and Hinata were. I didn''t know what was going to happen until Beam spoke up, "I understand that you knew Tabi back in Japan and you guys were once dating, but you aren''t anymore. Whatever happened between you both, it''s over. I''m with her now and I plan on keeping it that way..." I couldn''t help but smile at what Beam had said. Even in the most serious of situations, I had never felt so relieved.

    "... Tabi rarely talks about her time in Japan, which I''m assuming is because of you. So I don''t fucking care who you are, just leave her alone. If you care about her at all, you''ll never see or talk to her again."

    Beam did not wait for Hinata to respond, he simply turned his back on him and walked over to me. Without stopping, Beam grabbed a hold of my hand and pulled me along behind him. I was in awe with how serious Beam could be. I knew he was the quiet goofy type, but this was a whole side to him I had never seen before and I thoroughly enjoyed it.

    I had no intention of looking back at Hinata, except there was a part of me that felt the urge to. While still being dragged along by Beam, I hesitantly turned my head around to look at the man I once knew. I was expecting to see Hinata bum rushing towards Beam, ready to kill him, instead Hinata stood there with his head down, looking defeated. My heart aches for him, even after the way he treated me, it still hurts inside to see him like that, nevertheless there was nothing I could do to cure his sadness. The further I and Beam walked, the smaller Hinata''s figure became, and at some moment I wanted to believe he lifted his head up and caught my gaze, but it was hard to tell in the darkness.

    Just then, I felt my arm being tugged on. I swiftly turned my head to find myself meeting Beam''s glare. I didn''t know if I was going to cry or smile, except before I could react, Beam drew me in closer to his side with his hand letting go of my arm and reaching out to hold my hand instead.

    With a long drawn out sigh, Beam finally spoke up, "Tabi..."

    "Y-yes?"

    A tiny smile appeared on Beam''s face, "Let''s go home."

    A wave of relief washed over me. I know Beam had a lot more questions and lectures for me, but I''m just happy I''m walking back with him. This time I didn''t have that urge to turn around. I faced onward and reached my free hand up to my chest, there I felt the cold band lying across in the usual place it had always been.

    I whispered, while gripping the ring, "... Thank you James..."

 Chapter 24

    I sat there staring out through the window, watching the street lamps pass by in a dimly lit haze. The car ride was silent between Beam and I, as I was afraid to disrupt the silence with the sound of my nasally voice.

    Words couldn''t describe how I was feeling. My emotions were like a pendulum, going back and forth, wondering what was going to happen next. My anxiety was building up and I was wondering what Beam was thinking during this car ride. Did he still want to be friends? Or whatever our relationship was exactly. That unknowing feeling made me want to cry again.

    When I could feel my throat tightening up, Beam spoke aloud, but in a softer tone, "Do you want to go back home tonight?"

    "Wha-what?"

    "Did you want to go back to your place tonight?"

    "Umm, where else would I go?"

    "I-I just thought that maybe you wouldn''t want to be there... You know, with Fah hounding you..."

    "Oh. Yeah I guess you''re right, but I don''t have anywhere else to go."

    "Umm, that''s not true. There''s, umm, always... Hmmm my place-that''s if you want to..."

    "Oh!" Why did this feel so awkward? But in a funny way, it made me chuckle to myself.

    "It''s not like that, Tabi! I-I''m s-sorry! That came out wrong! I just thought it would be a change-change of scenery for you... That''s all!"

    "No, it''s okay! I''m okay with that, if you are?"

    "O-of course! Now that I think about it, you''ve never been to my place, right?"

    "Umm, no I don''t think so."

    "I wish it was under better circumstances, but I hope it''ll make you cheer up a bit more."

    "Your place will cheer me up?"

    "Oh! Umm, that''s not what I meant! I-I, uh, you''ll see when you get there."

    The rest of the car ride was silent again. Beam was so clumsy with his words that it made sense he did modeling more than acting. I didn''t mind him fumbling his words though, it showed he was human and not just a pretty face.

    ? ? ?

    You know when you are driving to a new place it feels time just moves slower, well that''s what it felt like getting to Beam''s place.

    Even though my eyes felt heavy, I could not manage to fall asleep. I was actually kind of nervous going to Beam''s place. This would be my first time and I didn''t know what to expect. I don''t even know how he really lived and I think when you go to someone''s place for the first time you really get a sense of their lifestyle.

    We were back in the city, which made me feel at ease. I found that if Hinata wanted to look for me again it would be difficult for him to find me with all these people around. Still, this thought puts my stomach into knots. I never wanted to see him again and as hurtful as it may sound, I don''t care what happens to him.

    "We''re here!"

    The sound of Beam''s voice gave me a start. I looked around and all I could see were high rises and a few restaurants before we started pulling into a parking garage. So, Beam lives comfortably, I see.

    Beam pulled into a parking spot with a number marked on it. He turned off the car and jumped out before I could manage to take my seat belt off. Jeez, he''s in a rush. Before I noticed where he had gone, he was already opening the car door for me, "Need help?"

    "Thanks..."

    Beam held his hand out, waiting for me to grab a hold of it. I grabbed my purse and reached my hand out to grab his as I lifted myself up out of the car. Thinking he was going to let go of my hand as soon as I got out of the car, he did not. He held on to it as we made our way into an elevator from the parking garage.

    We took the elevator ride up, "Do you own this apartment or rent it out?" I don''t know why I asked that. I guess I was just curious if he was planning on staying here long-term.

    "Oh, I''m just renting it out. I don''t plan on staying here for too long... Just a temporary thing."

    "I see."

    We had finally arrived on the 26th floor and this was out of 30 stories, so this apartment complex was more like a hotel to me. I don''t think I''ve ever been in such a luxury apartment, or at least nothing with no more than 4 stories.

    We walked down the opulent hallway while I tried to keep my head down. This place was far too fancy for me, and the way I looked just felt like I stuck out like a sore thumb. Now that I know Beam has a following, according to Hinata, I don''t want to taint his image.

    Beam stopped in front of one of the doors in the hallway and opened it up using the keypad. He held the door open and gestured for me to go in first. It was dark, as no lights had been turned on yet until Beam switched it on.

    "Whoa..." I muttered under my breath. This place was nice! The floors were a black porcelain tile with paper white walls. There were foyer dividers placed in what looked like the dining room and living room and as I took off my shoes I noticed there was an upstairs. Jesus, is he rich?

    "Tabi, make yourself comfortable. There''s actually 3 bedrooms... I know it seems excessive, but it actually works out when my family comes to visit. Also I can lend you something to wear for bed tonight and you can wash your clothes too... Umm, I think that''s..."

    Beam started trailing off, looking around the room as though doing that would help with his thoughts.

    "Thank you."

    That snapped Beam out of his daze, "Oh yeah, sorry! I was just thinking if there was anything else I didn''t mention, but it''s no problem." He gave me his boxy smile which made my heart flutter.

    "Umm, Beam?"

    "Yeah?"

    "Can you show me a shower I can use please?"

    "OH! Of course! Follow me!"

    I followed Beam as we made our way up the stairs, "Since there are two extra rooms, do you have a preference?"

    "Uh, is there a difference?"

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    He chuckled, "One is bigger than the other...?"

    "I''ll take the smaller one then."

    "You sure?" He opened the door to the smaller guest room.

    "This is small?" It was not small. It was a decently sized bedroom with a bathroom attached to it. The room had dark red mahogany wood flooring and the walls were white with nothing on them except for a mounted TV. At the end of the room, there was a full length window. I walked over immediately to see what the view looked like and it was nothing spectacular, just another luxury apartment building.

    I let a small sigh out in disappointment and Beam must''ve noticed because he spoke up, "When you are done with your shower, I''ll show you something cool! But for now go ahead and get cleaned up. I''ll leave clothes for you on the bed."

    Beam started walking out of the bedroom, "Thank you again... I really mean it."

    He turned around and walked over and threw his arms around me, "You don''t have to keep thanking me. I want to do this for you."

    The sudden embrace and words of affirmation made my heart pound. I wrapped my arms around Beam and we stood there not saying anything to one another. I wanted to start crying again, but I knew that was only going to ruin this moment. I didn''t want this moment to end, until Beam slowly let his arms go and looked me in the eyes and smiled, "Go take your shower Tabi."

    I nodded, returning the smile, and headed towards the bathroom. I walked into the restroom, just as expected, the restroom is just as nice as the bedroom. The tiles were a ceramic off-white color with a bright white painted wall. The contrasting color was brown, which made it feel more like a hotel bathroom. I did not mind that because the shower made up for it with a rainfall shower head. I got so excited that I nearly ripped my clothes off just to absorb all the water as it washed away any doubt I may still have.

    There is something about taking a shower that can be so calming, but also kind of frightening. All your thoughts start to race and you begin thinking of all the things you could have done. Was leaving Hinata behind the right thing to do? Should I have stuck up for myself more? There was so much more that I wanted to say and yet I was afraid... Afraid to lose Hinata. It made me sad seeing him, he had changed so much. Was that because of me? Or am I overthinking it? I have to tell myself that Hinata was not the one for me, he was a liar and abusive. Beam is good to me and treats me with respect. I guess it''s just been a long time since I''ve been treated this well, that I feel as though I don''t deserve Beam. He would scold me if he heard me say this. Actually, I''m not sure what he would say because I''m not even sure what our relationship is exactly. Are we friends? Just really close friends? Or maybe dating? I don''t know and it''s confusing and hurting my head.

    I hopped out of the shower and dried myself off. I did not bother to look in the mirror, as I did not want to see the marking that was left by Hinata. I poked my head around the door to look into the bedroom and check if Beam had laid out clothes for me. There I saw on the bed, folded up, was a big black hoodie and gray sweatpants. I smiled to myself, thinking it was kind of sweet that he folded the clothes up.

    As I put on each item of clothing one by one, I could smell Beam''s scent, which I thought was an odd scent because it had the masculine sandalwood, but also vanilla mixed with some kind of fruit. I did not mind it however because it suited him, he was manly in his own way, but had the softness too.

    I made my way downstairs to see that Beam was nowhere to be found. I shifted my head to see if he was in the kitchen, the lights were off so that was a no. I began to feel a bit panicky, thinking the worst that Hinata came back, but then I heard a door open nearby. Hesitantly, I turned around and saw Beam standing in the doorway, giving me a pleased look, "Come out here! I want to show you something."

    Seeing Beam was such a relief, that I found myself skipping over to him just because he had such a kid-like demeanor that it made me feel youthful.

    "This is what I wanted to show you..."

    As I stepped through the glass door, I noticed we were out on a balcony. It was dark, but I could see the skyline and all the lights lit up throughout the city. It was beautiful. You couldn''t hear much from up here, but down below you could still see cars driving around and a few people walking. I wasn''t sure how to describe it, but it took my breath away.

    I was so caught up in the moment, that I didn''t realize Beam was standing behind me with his body and arms wrapped around my backside. I did not want to ask him this question during this time, but I felt it was only necessary.

    "Hey Beam..."

    "Yes?" His warm breath sent shivers down my neck, which caused me to become a bit fidgety.

    "Umm, what are we? I-I know after everything that happened tonight it seems kind of weird to be asking this, but it''s uh been on my mind... I guess."

    He was quiet, and I could feel the drum of his heartbeat on my back pick up pace. Was he nervous too?

    "I, uh, thought we were already dating..."

    "Oh?" I turned around quickly to face him, but didn''t realize how close we were, face-to-face. Even though it was dark out, I could still make out some of the features on Beam''s face. He''s really pretty and has a very stern look when he''s not smiling.

    "Did you not want to date me?" Beam''s tone changed to a more worried one, and I could feel his hands slowly letting go of me.

    "Uh, no! That''s, uh, not what I meant! I was asking because I''ve been confused about so much lately, and uh, considering how tonight was... Well, I just didn''t think you would want to. I''m kind of a train-wreck and well, I wouldn''t want to be with me either-"

    Beam raised his voice, "Tabi! You have to stop putting yourself down like that! I wouldn''t have come looking for you tonight if I didn''t care! I was scared and when I saw you with the bruise on your face and that man, my blood started to boil!" His voice began to shake, "I-I don''t think I''ve felt so angry before..."

    I thought the rain was done for the night, but it started to pick up again with the wind howling through the skyscrapers like a wind tunnel.

    I''ve always hated the rain, but there was something different this time. I felt a burning sensation crawl through my body and my stomach was in knots. I hadn''t had this feeling in so long, and with that, I reacted to it without even thinking.

    I reached my hands to Beam''s face and kissed him. I wasn''t thinking and yet, here I was kissing Beam with all my might. I didn''t know how he was feeling about this, so I started to slip away, except he pulled me back into his lips. His lips were soft and warm, and his tongue invited itself into my mouth and I did not resist. I could hear Beam''s heavy breathing in between movements and wondered if mine was just as loud.

    Suddenly, Beam wrapped his arms around my backside and lifted me off the ground. I was unable to keep my mouth off his as he tried walking through the apartment into his bedroom, and it only intensified more once I realized we were in his bedroom. While I still held on to him, he delicately laid me down on his bed and moved closer to my face, "Tabi, do you want to do this?"

    Do I want to do this?

    The only light that was on in the room was the one on the nightstand near the bed, so I had a clear vision of Beam''s expression. The rain that had been falling on both of us made it hard to tell if he was sweating or not. His gaze was so focused on mine that I thought if I kept staring long enough my vision would become blurred.

    Do I want to do this? I nodded my head carefully in agreement. Beam leaned in for a kiss, but this time more gentle. His hands were caressing the sides of my waist, which created shivers down my spine. I had my arms wrapped around his neck when he suddenly sat up and took his shirt off. This was only my second time seeing Beam shirtless, however in this light, his build seemed more lean.

    I reached to the bottom of the hoodie Beam had lent me and began lifting it up to take it off. I realized I did not have a bra on, so this meant Beam was going to see all of me which made me feel bashful. Beam was hovering over me as he watched me pull the hoodie off. I threw the hoodie onto the floor and went back to lying down on his bed. He came back in with an intimate kiss and his hands moving closer to my breasts. I let out a slight whimper as I felt his lingering hand grab a hold of my left breast and began massaging it.

    I couldn¡¯t hold back my actions anymore, with all the supple touching and passionate kisses, I wanted to get to it. I knew Beam couldn¡¯t hold back any longer either as I could feel his bulge rubbing up on my pelvic area. Trying to be careful while still locking my lips with his, I nervously pushed the sweatpants down and once Beam noticed what I was doing, he mimicked my movements and started to do the same with his pants. I could tell Beam was just as anxious as I was because he was having a hard time trying to unbutton his pants with his trembling hands.

    Once he was finished taking the rest of his clothes off, I laid there with Beam being so close into entering inside me. Before he could do so, I paused for a moment, ¡° Wait¡­¡±

    He scanned me with a worried face, ¡°Are you okay?¡±

    I reached my hands around my neck, as I started to unlock the clasp of my necklace. Beam then realized what I was doing and waited patiently for me to take it off. With unsteady hands, I managed to get it off and I carefully set it down on the nightstand beside the bed.

    Without so much as a second thought, I intertwined myself into Beam''s body and he surrounded himself with mine. I clinged on to him tightly as he slowly put himself inside me. This sensation was so overpowering that I let out a loud gasp. I haven¡¯t done this in so long, I had forgotten how much I yearned for the touch of another person, and that person being Beam made it all feel more magical. I just hope that I won''t let this moment between us make me remorseful...

 Chapter 25

    Sitting on the edge of this unfamiliar bed with the blue twilight barely peeking through the curtains, I barely turned over and stared at the man sleeping peacefully next to me. I gazed at his unclothed beige frame and wondered if he was dreaming a good dream due to the smirk on his face.

    Without trying to disturb his sleep I silently sat up from the bedside. I glanced around for my clothes that were thrown off me from the night before. After stumbling around in the shadowy room I managed to find clothes, probably not mine, and brought them on.

    I still felt as if I wasn''t fully clothed and like muscle memory, I lifted my hand to my neck to feel for the familiar strand and rings that had been a part of me for the last 2 years.

    That familiar feeling was not there and my grogginess slowly started melting away. Guilt and anxiety instead replaced the grogginess and began to build up inside me, like I was going to spew out the contents as I started to recall the scenes that had played out the night before.

    I think of my shaky hands gently reaching around the nap of my neck to take apart the clip. I turned to the nightstand and lightly set down the necklace as though it would break if I had done it any faster.

    The memories started flooding in and before the panic could overtake me, I quickly, like a cat, jumped to the nightstand and sprawled my hands out all over the hard cold surface. With a quiet sigh of relief I had found what I had been looking for.

    After clasping the chilled necklace, I remembered why I had woken up in the first place. I needed nicotine. Badly. I scurried through my purse, which felt like a lifetime, to grab my vape pen. Normally I wouldn''t care about smoking inside, but I needed the air and conveniently there was a balcony that looked like it had not been used yet due to the sudden monsoon that had started last night.

    As softly as I could, I cracked open the door, but with every sound that was made I would rapidly whip my head over towards the direction of the bed. Once I got the door opened just enough for me to fit through the side of my body, I slid outside onto the balcony.

    The blue haze still filled the sky with most of the city still sleeping. I always enjoyed being awake at this time because it felt like time just stopped for you. I puffed away and recognized that I couldn''t get the nicotine in fast enough. My vape pen was like my own little pacifier. It soothed me and I took it everywhere I went.

    While I leaned against the railing on the balcony looking over the smaller buildings I wondered if there was anyone else doing the exact same thing as I was. As that thought crossed my mind, I had the sudden urge to cry. I did not feel sad, nor did I feel anything at that moment. As I started thinking more about my urge to cry I instantly felt tears welling up. I tried wiping them away as fast as they could fall down, but that just only made my eyes more irritated which caused even more tears to come.

    Why did I feel like this? It has been almost 3 years and I should be able to move on, yet I still feel some kind of guilt, like I''m not allowed to be happy. He would want me to be happy, he wouldn''t want me to act this way. So why can''t I just move on?

    These fears went hurdling through my mind when unexpectedly I heard a creak from behind me. Attempting to still wipe my tears away, I turned around and saw Beam poking his head out the door. I noticed he was still half asleep as one eye was closed and the other eye could barely stay open.

    "Tabi, what are you doing out here?"

    "Sorry... I, uh, couldn''t fall back asleep."

    "Oh, well come back inside," Beam said, reaching his arm out towards me. He hinted for me to take his hand, which I did. As he pulled me back into his bedroom, I dragged myself back into his bed and covered myself with the blankets. As I settled in, Beam wrapped his arm around me and snuggled his head into the back of mine.

    "Uh, do you want me to put my hair up so it doesn''t bother you?" I asked.

    "Hmmm, no... I like the smell of your hair," he replied.

    Beam may not be able to see my face, but the happiness that I am feeling is evident in my smile. I am not sure if I am just easily pleased, or if Beam has a special talent for saying the right things at the right time. Beam''s words and actions make me feel valued and appreciated. I am grateful to have him by my side.

    With the soft breathing coming from Beam, I slowly began nodding off back to sleep

    ? ? ?

    I woke up the next morning in a daze, unsure of where I was or what had happened the previous night. It took me a moment to remember that I was in Beam''s bedroom, and that we had fallen asleep together. As I slowly came to my senses, I felt a sense of confusion and disorientation. I looked around the room, trying to make sense of my surroundings, before finally shaking my head and getting out of bed.

    Beam wasn''t in the bed. Maybe he had gone somewhere. I walked over to the bathroom to freshen up. As I looked in the mirror, I noticed a bruise on my cheek from when Hinata hit me the night before. I couldn''t believe all of that had happened. I tried to shake off the thought and continued to get ready.

    The tale has been illicitly lifted; should you spot it on Amazon, report the violation.

    After I was finished getting ready, I left the bathroom and noticed my clothes were neatly folded on a chair. It seems that Beam had finished doing my laundry, which was sweet of him. I quickly put on my clothes and was about to leave the room when I heard the faint sound of voices coming from downstairs. It sounded like Beam was there, but was there another person with him? The voice sounded like a female''s voice... Oh no, what if it was his mom? I felt my face heat up at the thought. I didn''t want to stay in the room forever, but I knew she would think poorly of me if she saw another girl at her son''s place, especially since I''ve never even met her.

    I needed to think of something fast. Should I wait for Beam to come and get me or should I stay in his room until the person from downstairs leaves? What do I do?

    Suddenly, I heard someone walking up the stairs. I knew I needed to act casual, as if I hadn''t just been eavesdropping. I rushed over to the bed and sat down, pretending to have been there the entire time. Then the door opened and I heard a voice say, "Tabi, you''re awake!" It was only Beam. Phew!

    "Yep, I only woke up a few minutes ago," I replied, although that was a lie.

    "I was making you breakfast, so come downstairs," Beam said as he walked over to me and gave me a casual kiss. I was startled by the kiss, but not in a bad way. It just felt familiar, as if we had been doing this for years.

    "Who''s downstairs?" I asked, feeling a bit nervous.

    "It''s just my sister," Beam replied, turning to me as he noticed my hesitation. "Tabi, what''s wrong?"

    "Well, I''ve never met anyone in your family before, and I''m kind of nervous. Doesn''t it look bad if she realizes I stayed the night?"

    Beam took my hand and reassured me. "She''s not going to think that about you. She already knows you''re here and is excited to meet you. It would be different if it were my mom, but my sister isn''t going to say anything to her. Trust me, okay?"

    I nodded, still feeling a bit unsure. "Okay..."

    "Don''t be nervous, Tabi. I''m on your side, remember?"

    Beam''s words put me at ease, and I couldn''t help but be impressed by his maturity and calmness in this situation. "Okay, I''m ready," I said, finally feeling more confident.

    We both walked out of the bedroom and headed downstairs. I walked closely behind Beam, thinking that his height would block his sister''s view of me all at once. As we both made our way around the corner, there I saw a younger girl sitting at the island in the kitchen. She looked up quickly with her dark brown almond-shaped eyes and said, "Are you Tabi?"

    "Hi, nice to meet you!" I replied.

    She got up from her chair and walked over to me. With both hands placed together, she took a quick head nod and said, "Sawadee Kah!"

    "Sawadee Kah," I replied, feeling a bit unsure of my pronunciation.

    So this is Beam''s sister. She had long, dark hair and a slender build, and was only about an inch taller than me. Her skin was fair, especially compared to Beam''s.

    "Tabi, this is my sister Natcha. Natcha, this is Tabi."

    "Nice to finally meet you, Tabi! Beam is always talking about you, and it''s nice to finally see you in person!" Natcha said with a smile.

    I could see the sudden embarrassment on Beam''s face as he realized why most guys don''t like bringing their sisters around.

    "It''s really nice to meet you too, Natcha. I''m sorry if this is kind of an awkward meeting..." I said, feeling a bit awkward myself.

    "Oh!" She started giggling, covering her mouth with her hand. "It''s really fine! If anything, this makes things more interesting." She gave Beam a mischievous smile, and Beam just held his head down, trying not to die of embarrassment.

    "I mean I would like to make fun of Beam more and maybe we can text each-"

    Beam interrupted his sister, "Okay that''s enough! I don''t need you being all up in my business, ''Nat''!"

    "I told you to stop calling me that, ''Rat''!"

    "You started calling me that name first!"

    I was trying not to laugh out loud at this sudden sibling argument. It was refreshing to see Beam being so comfortable with his sister. It didn''t seem fake, and it wasn''t a real fight; just two siblings picking on each other.

    "Wait!" Beam and Natcha stopped and both stared at me. "Why do you call him ''Rat''? I find this all amusing, so I''m just curious."

    "He''s never told you his real name? Beam, you never told her your real name?" She slapped him on the shoulder out of annoyance. "Ow! No, I did tell her, but she just doesn''t remember, I guess."

    "What? I would have remembered you telling me your name!" I was so confused. I definitely would have remembered if Beam had told me his birth name.

    Beam was chuckling. "Umm, not if you were really drunk and I told you."

    "Wait... Ohhh!" I instantly remembered what he was talking about. "The first time I met you, at the nightclub... But wait, that''s not fair! I was really drunk that night!"

    At this point, we were all laughing together. I thought this might have been an awkward encounter with a family member, but it turned out to be the exact opposite. His sister was easy to talk to and laugh with. This must be a family trait.

    After we were finished with laughing and our conversations, Natcha said her goodbyes, "Tabi, it was so nice meeting you! It''s really good to know that my stupid brother is with someone who seems to have her life together."

    "Natcha, you''re so sweet! I wouldn''t say I have my life together bu-"

    "Nonsense! Beam is lucky to have you," Natcha said, smiling at me. I looked over at Beam and I could see a bashful grin on his face.

    "Thank you, Natcha," Beam said, still grinning. "I agree, I''m lucky to have Tabi in my life."

    "Well, I''m off," Natcha said, waving as she turned to leave. "Take care, you two!"

    "Bye, Natcha!" Beam and I called out in unison, before turning to each other and laughing. "She''s such a sweetheart," I said.

    "She definitely is," Beam agreed. "I''m glad you two got along so well."

    "Yeah, it was nice meeting her," I said, still smiling. "I''m glad you have such a supportive sister."

    "I am too," Beam said. "Natcha has always been there for me, even when I don''t deserve it."

    I reached out and took Beam''s hand, giving it a squeeze. "Well, I''m here for you too," I said.

    Beam smiled at me, his eyes softening. "Thank you, Tabi," he said. "I''m lucky to have you in my life."

    I was so surprised with how easily I just reached out to touch Beam''s hand. It felt like the most natural thing in the world, and I could see from the way he looked at me that he felt the same way. We stood there for a moment, just holding hands and smiling at each other, before Beam leaned in and gave me a gentle kiss on the lips. It was a small moment, but it felt like it meant so much. I was grateful to have Beam in my life, and I was determined to make the most of it.

 Chapter 26

    This is going to be so hard.

    I stared down at my bed, examining the two sun dresses in front of me. "Hmmm, which dress do I think his mom would like better?"

    I realize I''m probably overthinking this, and Beam keeps telling me not to worry, but this is going to be my first time meeting his parents. As a woman in my 30s, I know I shouldn''t be anxious, but I haven''t done something like this in a long time. The last time I met someone''s parents was when I met James, and that was over 10 years ago.

    Despite my nerves, I knew that I had to put on a good show for Beam''s parents. I wanted them to like me and for them to see that I was a good fit for their son. I took a deep breath and made a decision, choosing one of the sun dresses and slipping it on. The dress I chose is a yellow ditsy floral with low shoulder puff sleeves. I checked myself in the mirror, smoothing down the fabric and making sure everything was in place. I grabbed my purse and headed out the door, determined to make a good impression and show Beam''s parents that I was a somewhat strong and kind of capable woman who was worthy of their son''s affection.

    As I stepped outside, Beam was already waiting for me. He was dressed casually in a light blue hoodie, gray plaid pants, and all-white Converse. His hair looked nice, with some of it covering his eyes and his forehead peeking through.

    "Oh! How long have you been waiting for me?" I didn''t even get a text or call that he was here.

    "Not long, but I didn''t want to rush you because I know you''re nervous."

    I couldn''t help but feel a little bit guilty that I had kept him waiting, but I appreciated his understanding and patience. I gave him a smile and a hug, grateful to have him by my side as we headed off to meet his parents. Regardless of my nerves, I was determined to be on my best behavior today. I knew that this was an important moment in our relationship and I wanted to make sure that everything went smoothly.

    As we drove to his parents'' house, I took a deep breath and tried to calm my nerves, knowing that everything would be alright as long as I had Beam by my side.

    "I can hear your breathing," Beam spoke up. "Oh, sorry! Is it annoying?"

    "Of course not! It''s just making me anxious now too." Beam quickly glanced over at me, giving me a wide smirk.

    "I know, I shouldn''t be nervous, but I''m just not sure what to expect. I haven''t done this in a while." I stared out the window of the car, watching the scenery pass by.

    Beam reached over and placed his hand on my thigh. "Tabi, you worry too much. My parents don''t know English that well, so there''s not much for you to say that they''ll actually understand. I''ll translate everything, but I hope that makes you feel a little better."

    "Wait, so your parents don''t know English, but how does your sister know?"

    "She studied abroad in America when she was in high school. I think she studied in Florida, but I could be wrong."

    "I see," I said, still feeling a little nervous but grateful for Beam''s reassurance. "Thanks for letting me know. I''ll try not to worry too much and just focus on enjoying the visit."

    Beam smiled and squeezed my thigh gently. "That''s the spirit! And don''t worry, my parents are really friendly and welcoming. You''ll have a great time, I promise."

    I nodded and took a deep breath, feeling a little more at ease. "Okay, I''ll try to relax. Thanks for your support."

    "No problem," Beam replied, giving me a reassuring pat on the shoulder before returning his hand to the steering wheel. "We''ll be there probably in an hour."

    As we drove the rest of the way to Beam''s parents'' house, I tried to push my nervousness aside and focus on the excitement of meeting his family and experiencing a new culture. This was something entirely new to me. Just trying to get used to the culture in Thailand had been a lot, but I felt as though meeting his parents would be an entirely new experience. When I met Beam''s sister, Natcha, that had been unplanned and I really had no choice in the matter. I guess I could have stayed in the room until she left, but Beam wouldn''t have allowed that. I couldn''t help but worry: what if his parents don''t like me? I could think of a lot of reasons why they wouldn''t. I''m not Thai, I''ve already been married, and (hopefully they don''t know this part) I almost got him killed.

    Despite my worries, I tried to focus on the positive aspects of the situation. I had grown close to Beam and I trusted that he would do everything he could to make the visit go smoothly. I also reminded myself that I was an open and friendly person, and that I had nothing to hide. I had made mistakes in the past, but I had learned from them and was determined to be a better person.

    I gazed out the window and saw the quick reflection of myself in the window, I noticed the faint dark mark on my cheek. I thought I had covered the bruise enough, but hopefully his parents won¡¯t notice it. I know Natcha noticed the bruise that first morning I met her a week ago and I wonder what her first thought was when she saw the marking.

    I must have fallen asleep because I suddenly noticed that the car was not moving as fast as it had been. A yawn came over me and I tried to hold it in, but it escaped anyway. Beam looked over at me mid-yawn and started laughing, ¡°You look adorable when you yawn.¡±

    ¡°Don''t look at me!¡±

    ¡°I''m sorry, but it was great timing,¡± Beam said, wearing his boxy smile.

    ¡°Anyways, are we almost there? I feel like it''s been almost 2 hours.¡±

    ¡°Sorry Tabi, I know this was a drive, but yeah just another 5 minutes and we¡¯ll be there.¡±

    ¡°No, that¡¯s okay. Which city is this again?¡±

    ¡°Chachoengsao. My parents have always lived here since I was a kid, so the place brings back a lot of memories.¡± Beam seemed to be lost in thought.

    ¡°Were they good memories?¡±

    ¡°Oh, yeah they were. It just felt like a long time ago at this point.¡±

    Beam had told me a lot about his insecurities and how his family just put him up on a pedestal because of his successful modeling career, but I knew deep down it hurt him. He mentioned at one point that modeling wasn''t his plan, but that he ended up sticking with it and it just happened to him. I could see the sadness in his eyes when he spoke about his true passions and dreams, and how he felt like he had to push them aside to meet the expectations of his family. Even with all of this, he still had a kind heart and a positive outlook on life. I admired his resilience and determination to be true to himself, despite the challenges he faced. I sometimes wish I could have the same mindset as Beam when it came to life.

    We began driving into a neighborhood along what appeared to be a marina. The houses in this area were spaced out and surrounded by foliage, and they seemed nicer compared to the ones closer to town. Beam turned on the blinker and started turning onto a dirt road. As we approached, I could see a beige two-story home with a red roof. As we got closer to the front of the house, I noticed a small pond with a lush green lawn. My stomach started to knot up, as this was the moment I would meet Beam''s parents.

    This text was taken from Royal Road. Help the author by reading the original version there.

    As we pulled into the driveway, I took a deep breath and tried to calm my nerves. I had heard so much about Beam''s parents and was excited to finally meet them, but I was also a bit anxious about making a good impression. Beam turned off the car and we both got out, walking up to the front door together. As we rang the doorbell, I could hear footsteps approaching from inside the house. The door swung open, and there stood a small older woman, possibly in her 50s or 60s. She wore round, square glasses and had black shoulder-length hair with bangs that stopped right at her eyebrows.

    She raised her eyebrows and went in for a hug with Beam as they started speaking in Thai. I stood there awkwardly waiting to introduce myself. Beam turned around and introduced me to his mother, ¡°Tabi, this is my mom Phan¡±. Phan gave me a warm smile and a hug. I returned the hug, trying not to be awkward about it. She then switched to speaking in broken English, telling me how happy she was to finally meet me. I could feel her genuine kindness, and I immediately felt at ease. She ushered us into the home and as we walked into the house, I took in my surroundings. The living room was cozy and welcoming, with comfortable couches and a sunny aspect to the room. There was a bookshelf filled with books and a coffee table with a vase of fresh flowers on it. I saw Beam''s dad sitting in an armchair, staring down at his phone.

    Beam¡¯s dad shot up from the chair and walked over to Beam with his arms reaching out for a hug. They exchanged hugs and were speaking with each other in Thai. I stood awkwardly to the side again, waiting to be introduced. After a few moments, Beam turned to me and introduced me to his father, ¡°N¨©? f?n k?hxng p?hm khr?b th¨¡ bit? ¨¡.¡± His father shot a quick smile and placed his hands together, ¡°Sawadee th¨¡ bit? ¨¡.¡± I returned the hello while trying my best not to mess up the greeting, ¡°Sawadee.¡±

    Beam''s mother then gestured for me to join them and we all sat down together. I was relieved to be included and grateful for the warm welcome. We spent the next hour talking and getting to know each other. It was clear that Beam and his mother had a close relationship and I was happy to be included in their conversation.

    Beam''s mother asked Beam to ask me about my background and how I knew her son. I told her about how we saved me from a crazy drunk guy and how we just hit it off ever since then. She smiled and nodded, seeming happy that Beam had found a girl like me. This surprised me, as I was expecting his family to maybe be disapproving of Beam bringing home a girl, who wasn¡¯t Thai, but that didn¡¯t seem to faze them.

    We continued chatting and I asked Beam to ask her about her life in Thailand. She told me about growing up in a small village and how different life was back then compared to now. She talked about the close-knit community and how everyone knew and looked out for each other. She also told me about the traditional Thai festivals and holidays that they used to celebrate. It was fascinating to hear about her life and how different it was from my own. She also talked about her family and shared some pictures of Beam and Natcha when they were younger.

    ¡°You look so cute Beam!¡±

    ¡°Ugh, I don¡¯t know why she had to bring these photos out?¡±

    Beam''s mother chuckled and patted his head affectionately. "It''s important to remember where we come from," she said. "And these memories are something to treasure."

    I nodded in agreement, thinking about how much I enjoyed hearing about Beam''s childhood and learning more about his family. It was clear that his mother was very proud of him and loved him deeply. Beam was definitely a mama''s boy, but I appreciated seeing that side of him.

    As we continued chatting, I felt more and more at ease with Beam''s family. They were kind, welcoming, and genuinely interested in getting to know me.

    The event went on, and I noticed that the day was turning into night. I didn''t realize how much time had passed during my time at Beam''s parents'' house. I was helping Beam''s mom clean up the dishes from dinner when Beam came over to me, "You got a minute?"

    "Umm, I should help your mom finish cleaning up," I replied.

    Beam''s mom intervened in our conversation, "Go, go!"

    "Are you sure, Phan?" I asked.

    She jokingly nudged me towards Beam, "OK, OK. I am going now!"

    Beam took my hand as we walked out towards the backyard of his parents'' home. There was no fence surrounding their backyard, but this seemed to work for them since they didn''t have many neighbors in the vicinity. I continued to hold onto Beam''s hand as he walked further into the yard. "Where are we going?" I asked.

    Without warning, Beam abruptly stopped in place, "Nowhere, to be honest." Still holding my hand, Beam turned around eagerly to face me, grabbing my free hand, "I just wanted to be alone with you." The only light that was on was the lights from the house, creating a perfect illumination on Beam''s smirking face.

    I returned the smirk, "Oh, I see. So, you were just being needy?"

    "Yeah, a little bit," Beam replied, and we both laughed at how ridiculous we were both acting.

    "Tabi?" Beam asked.

    "Yes, Beam?"

    "Did you have a good time today?" I couldn''t tell if my palms were clammy or if it was Beam''s, but I felt the sensation of butterflies forming in my stomach.

    "I did have a good time... I''m glad we did this..."

    "Are you still nervous?"

    "Always, but not in a bad way." I chuckled to myself.

    We both stood there, playing with each other''s hands, as I had my head facing down at the ground, "Hey Beam?"

    "Yes, Tabi?"

    "Why didn''t you ever bring up that incident after it happened?" I knew Beam knew what I was referring to since I could feel his hands tighten up.

    "Umm, if I tell you, will you promise not to be upset?"

    "Well, when you say it like that¡ª,"

    "Tabi, seriously though."

    "OK, OK... I promise."

    Beam took in a deep breath, "You actually told me about it."

    I shot up from looking at the ground to stare at Beam with a confused look, "What?"

    "Remember at the caf¨¦ we went to? The day after we met? I only told you how you brought up James the night before¡ª,"

    "Oh. My. God." I''m so ashamed. My drunk ass couldn''t keep my mouth shut, "Beam, I am so sorry! I can''t believe I told you everything like that... I-I I feel so stupid right now. I did-didn''t mean to put so much stress¡ª,"

    "Stop, please Tabi. Don''t say those kinds of things."

    "I just can''t believe I told you all this-a total stranger, obviously not anymore, but I mean¡ª,"

    "It''s really okay, but you''re breaking your promise right now..." Oh, shit. I told Beam I wouldn''t get upset over this.

    "I-I''m sorry..." I took a deep breath in through my nostrils and exhaled out my mouth, "... I know I said I wouldn''t get upset. I''m sorry."

    Beam put his arms around me, resting his chin on the top of my head, "Tabi?"

    "Yes?" I muffled into his chest.

    "Do you know why I want to be with you?" I shook my head ''no'', while still tucked away in Beam''s arms.

    "Hmmm, where do I start? I think you''re beautiful, not just on the outside, but on the inside too. When I first saw you stumble your way into the VIP section, I thought to myself, ''She looks like she doesn''t want to be here.'' As you walked closer to the bar, I found myself being mesmerized by you, but I was too shy to say anything until the creepy dude was hitting on you at the bar, and I could see the look of discomfort on your face. I knew that it was my only chance to finally say something to you, and I don''t regret it. However, I am sorry that guy was being an ass... Anyway, after we got talking more that night, I wanted to know you even more. There was a part of me that just wanted to hug you and tell you that everything was going to be okay. Of course, I knew that would''ve been the wrong time. After I took you home, I couldn''t stop thinking about you, and I needed to see you again... Then at the cafe, seeing you open up the way you did... I don''t know. I think I just felt intensely infatuated with you. When we continued seeing each other, I just knew in my mind that I wanted to be at your side. I wasn''t sure if you had felt the same way, and with everything you had gone through, I did not want to push it. I was willing to wait as long as I needed to. You''re funny, smart, beautiful, and all the flaws that you hate on yourself... I love all of them because that''s what makes you, you. That being said, I understand that your past experiences make it hard for you to trust and open up to people. But I want you to know that I am here for you, and I am willing to wait for you to be ready. I want to support you, and be there for you through it all. I hope you can see that and give us a chance."

    I looked up at Beam, tears welling up in my eyes. I couldn''t believe how lucky I was to have someone like him in my life. I wrapped my arms around him tightly and whispered, "Thank you."

    We stood there in silence, holding each other, knowing that we both wanted the same thing.

    As we released the hug, I felt that sense of guilt that I kept feeling was finally gone. I knew that moving forward, I could trust Beam and open up to him fully. I felt a surge of compassion and gratitude towards him, and I knew that he felt the same way.

    We both smiled at each other, and Beam leaned down to kiss me. It was a gentle kiss, but it was filled with so much emotion. As our lips parted, I couldn''t help but feel like this was just the beginning of a beautiful journey for the both of us.

    The night was coming to an end, but the memories and emotions we shared in that backyard, under the light of the house and starry sky, will stay with us forever.

 Epilogue

    As we waited for our taxi outside of SFO, I looked over at Beam, who was already taking in all the sights.

    "You know, there isn''t much to see yet," I said with a chuckle.

    "Shh! I need to savor the moment," he replied, closing his eyes and breathing in the California air.

    I couldn''t help but smile at Beam''s enthusiasm, it was one of the things I liked about him. He always found joy in the little things and was able to make any situation an adventure. As we waited for our taxi to arrive, I took a moment to take in the scenery myself. The airport was bustling with people coming and going on their various travels, and it made me feel at ease that I had someone like Beam to share these experiences with.

    Once our taxi arrived, I had planned one stop before we started any of our activities in California. I knew this would be difficult for me, but it was important not only for me, but for Beam as well. I wanted him to meet someone special.

    I had always kept my past separate from my present life, but I knew that if Beam and I were going to build a future together, it was important for him to understand that this person was the reason why I met Beam in the first place.

    The drive was about 35 minutes and when we arrived at our destination, we could see that there were many people scattered throughout the lawn and hilltop. I asked the taxi driver if he could wait 30 minutes and he seemed to understand what was going on and said to take our time.

    I felt my nerves intensifying as we got closer and Beam must have sensed how quiet I was, because suddenly, I felt his hand locked in mine. "It''s going to be okay," he said reassuringly. I gave a quick smile, just to let him know that I was okay.

    Suddenly, I stopped in my tracks and took a look down. "Beam, I want you to meet someone special," I said, my voice trembling. Beam inched closer and squatted to get a closer look. "Beam, this is James," I said, my voice barely above a whisper. "James, this is Beam," I said, introducing them to one another.

    The genuine version of this novel can be found on another site. Support the author by reading it there.

    We both were staring down at the gravestone that read:

    James Allen September 6, 1992 - November 23, 2024 A Beloved Son, Brother, & Husband

    I was silent as I looked at James''s gravestone. I couldn''t help but feel tears starting to form as I looked down at it. I hadn''t been here in what felt like an eternity. I was so lost in the pang of sadness when I heard Beam speak up. "It''s nice to finally meet you, James. Tabi has told me a lot about you, and it seems like you loved her very much."

    "Yes, he did," I said, my voice quietly. "He loved me very much."

    Beam sat up and pulled me into a tight hug and I let out a deep sigh. "I''m sorry," I said, my voice muffled in his chest.

    "For what?" he asked.

    "For not coming here sooner, for not being able to move on."

    "Shh, it''s okay," he said, rubbing soothing circles on my back. "You don''t have to be sorry. He will always hold a special place in your heart and that''s okay. He was an important part of your life, and it''s normal to grieve and remember him."

    I pulled back and looked up at him. "Thank you," I said, my voice filled with appreciation. "For understanding and for being here with me."

    "I will always be here for you," he said, and I knew that he meant it.

    I slowly pulled away from Beam, "I didn''t even bring any flowers for him..." But before Beam could say anything, a thought occurred to me. "I actually do have something," I reached into the back pocket of my jeans and pulled out my phone. There it was, behind the phone case was a little yellow flower I had found on the ground during my first day in Thailand. I took the phone case off and grabbed it gently, making sure it wouldn''t break in my fingers. I didn''t have anything sticky on me that I could place it on, so instead I carefully stuck it under a prayer candle, ensuring that it would be visible to anyone who was close by.

    As we stood there, I couldn''t help but feel a mix of emotions. I felt a sense of sadness and longing for the past, but also a sense of hope and excitement for the future. I knew that James would always hold a special place in my heart and that was okay. But now it was time for me to move forward and start a new chapter in my life.

    Beam wrapped his arm around me, sensing my emotions. "Are you ready to go?" he asked softly. I looked up at him and smiled, nodding. I knew that with Beam by my side, I could face anything.

    As we got back in the car, I couldn''t help but feel grateful for his understanding and support. He knew that this was a difficult moment for me, but he was there to hold my hand and guide me through it. And now that we were leaving, I was ready to make these new memories with Beam and see what the future had in store for us.