《The Sea Castle》


 Ch. 1. Pull

    The wind was sharp. The waves roared. The green tent was pinned to the sand. Beside it a little girl was quietly building a sand castle. On the shore, near the water, Sophia, stood watching the waves. They were calling to her. This was not a safe place. The sea floor fell away to a great depth not far from the shore. Sophia heard her husband¡¯s voice. He was talking to the little girl they shared. Cleo was their daughter. A bright sunny little girl.


    Sophia heard the tent flap close. Robert had gone back to gather his things. A small skiff was bobbing just off shore. He would be heading out soon.


    A cold wave raced up to the shore and wrapped around Sophia foot. It grabbed hold her other and jerked her off balance. She fell onto the wet sand. It was too slick to get a hand hold. The wave sucked her out to sea. Sophia closed her eyes. Water soaked her long black hair. It had been along time since the sea had taken her. So long that she thought it would never happened again. She had prayed it would never happen again. But, it was happening again. Water filled her lungs. It hurt. This was the last place she wanted to be and yet, here she was. The world was slipping from her¡­soon it would be gone. The cold was seeping into her body. Her lungs screamed for air and then¡­it began. A warmth tingled through out her entire body. Her lungs grasped air from the water. She could breathe. She could move. A head of her was the darkness of the deep waters. A place where creatures held illumination in their bodies. Her body began to glow with soft yellow phosphorescence. The pain in her chest left entirely. She took int big breath. It was a mistake. Fire rushed into her lungs. Too much too soon. She began to cough. Bubbles swirled from her mouth. One grew and grew until it engulfed her.


    It lifted her up toward the surface. She wanted to go down, she wanted to see what was in the deep. She belonged to the deep¡­at least that is what she always believed when she was submerged by the sea. The bubble spat her into the air. Once again her body began to reverse its course. The transition was always so painful. She braced herself and waited it out. Why did this keep happening. Exhausted she swam back to shore. Once again, she had escaped the darkness. Once again, she had come so close to whatever lay beyond, only to be snatched back.


    Cleo saw her rise from the water. Her eyes were frightened. Her blonde hair had lost its scrunchy and was blowing around her face like a dervish. Her clear voice cut through the roar of the wind and waves. She asked, ¡°Mama are you all right?¡±


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    Reality rushed over Sophia like ice. Was this child the reason she never went further than the edge of the dark waters? This child needed her now. She put her arms around her and said, ¡°Mama is fine.¡±


    Really Mama was not fine. Something festered within her and drove her to the sea. It tempted her like an addiction, but it hadn¡¯t taken her yet. It mustn¡¯t take her. Cleo needed her.


    Hand in hand they went back to the sand castle. Its sand pail structure was surrounded by a moat. Sophia felt like her life was surrounded by a moat. A moat named Cleo. Moats were for protection to keep the enemy out. Sophia glanced back at the sea. Sometimes it was her enemy, one day it might be the death of her.


    From the tent, her husband, Robert emerged. He was young, handsome and she had once thought he was a god. Now he was a grumpy man working on his thesis in Marine Biology. They were living in Corpus Christi while he studied. On his shoulder was his backpack full of chemicals to test water and test creatures. Sophia found squirting stuff on innocent jelly fish and crabs disgusting and cruel. Cleo didn¡¯t like it either so Robert headed out to the skiff alone.


    As he walked away, he glanced back and said, ¡°Don¡¯t be going into the water while I¡¯m gone.¡±


    Sophia nodded. He knew something was up, he just didn¡¯t know what it was. She turned her back to the sea and focused on the sandcastle. Cleo was quite an artistic child. She has sculpted delicate lines in the sand that looked Ike bricks and ivy. It was actually quite pretty. It reminded Sophia of the sandcastles her mother used to make when she was a child. If only her mother had gotten to meet Cleo. This was Sophia¡¯s life long regret.


    Cleo¡¯s voice broke into her thoughts. ¡°Daddy gave me these little shells. Aren¡¯t they pretty?¡±


    ¡°Yes, dear, they are.¡±


    ¡°I want you to put them around the top of the castle.¡± Cleo pointed at the upper rim and handed the shells to Sophia.


    Sunlight caught on the iridescent underside of the shells. Sophia pressed the shells into the castle with the iridescence facing out.


    Cleo said, ¡°That¡¯s perfect Mama.¡±


    A blessed silence settled upon mother and child as they worked. When the sand castle was finished, Cleo said, ¡°This is what our house looks like at the bottom of the sea.¡±


    Caught off guard by this statement, Sophia asked, ¡°What are you talking about?¡±


    Cleo gave her a patient smile. ¡°Its our house, the one you try to look for but can¡¯t reach. Do you think you will reach it some day Mama?¡±


    Utterly shaken by this question, Sophia managed to stutter, ¡°I hope not. We don¡¯t know what¡¯s down there and it might not be good for us.¡±


    Squinting in the sunlight, Cleo said, ¡°That¡¯s okay. Daddy knows. You just never take him with you when you go.¡±


    ¡°But Daddy can¡¯t swim.¡±


    ¡°Not yet.¡± Cleo turned back to the sandcastle and began to make the moat bigger.

 Chapter 2. Only Five

    The drive back to the apartment was a silent one. Cleo was asleep in the back seat, while Sophia stared out the window unaware of the passing landscape. Her thoughts had turned inward, her mind was back in time. She remembered the first time she had seen Robert. It had been a high school beach party. She was fifteen. While all the other girls displayed their fine young bodies in skimpy bikini¡¯s, Sophia had worn a cover up with Woodstok on it. The boys were all shirtless and wearing surfer suits except for Robert. He was wearing cargo pants and a crisp ironed Hawaiian shirt. There had been dolphins on it. From the moment she saw his halo of curly blonde hair, Sophia was drawn to him. There was something mysterious and familiar about him. Even now she felt that way about him. He was a quiet man who didn¡¯t talk much and only asked questions when he was in the mood, which was seldom now. She glanced over at him. Where had that beautiful boy gone? Why did time and responsibility steal so much?


    To shield his eyes from the late afternoon sun Robert was wearing sunglasses. When he drove his eyes never left the road in front of him. His hands held the steering wheel loosely. Without turning to her, he asked, ¡°Why did you go out into the water without telling me? You frightened Cleo.¡±


    ¡°I¡¯m sorry,¡± which she was. ¡°It was just an impulse, it won¡¯t happen again.¡± This was a promise she may not be able to keep. It hadn¡¯t been an impulse, it had been the water. For the first time in five years it had taken possession of her. It was a secret she kept. No on would believe her if she told them, especially not her scientific minded husband.


    Robert didn¡¯t say anymore.


    Once they reached the apartment. Robert lifted their sandy daughter out of her car seat. Cleo made a soft moan, but did not fully waken. Sophia prayed Cleo would stay asleep. . She really needed some time alone to pull herself together. Inside the apartment was chaos. She nor Robert were neat people, which was fortunate. They not only accepted one another¡¯s fault, they barely even noticed it. A messy house keeper bound to a neat one was a divorce in the making.


    Sophia followed Robert into Cleo¡¯s alcove room of sorts. Really it was just an odd space they had strung a shower curtain across. Cleo like the little space. She had decorated it¡¯s three walls with whale drawings. For a five year old, they were quite good.


    Gently, Robert placed her on the bed. For a moment he studied his child. Such tenderness came into his eyes. He loved Cleo so much, they both did.


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    After Robert went to log in his findings on his computer, Sophia went to take a shower. As much as she loved the beach, she hated the grit. In the shower she raised her face to the shower head. Tap water had no effect on her. Only salt water, upon occasion transformed her. It had happened only four times in her life. The first time had been when she was five.


    Her parents had recently divorced and her father was dating Kate, whom he would later marry. It was Sophia¡¯s weekend with her dad. During that time, she never went anywhere with out Rusty, her Chihuahua. He was her constant in the aftermath of her world being blown apart. Her father had driven them to Galveston. Sophia had never been to the beach before. Kate had squealed when she saw the water. As soon as they were parked, Kate leapt out of the car and headed straight for the water. She stripped off her cover up and dove in. From the shore, Sophia¡¯s dad watched. Kate was much younger than her dad and she wearing the smallest red bikini Sophia had ever seen. Her father couldn¡¯t take his eyes off of her. Thus, Sophia and Rusty had wandered off without being noticed.


    The sky had been bright on the waters, so bright she couldn¡¯t see very well. As she and Rusty wandered along the shore line a wave wrapped around her foot. It jerked her hard and pulled her down. Being so small at the time, it had not taken much for the wave to cover her. She couldn¡¯t breathe, she couldn¡¯t see. It hurt and then she had felt the warmth. Though water was in her nostrils and pouring into her mouth, she could breathe. The water gently pulled her away from the shore. She was drifting.Beneath the motion of the waves she had felt a kind of peace she had never known. The water felt safe. She felt held. The water was taking her somewhere, she was too young to question it. She felt like she had just met a new friend. Far away she heard Rusty barking his head off. He should have come with her. It was a good thing he hadn¡¯t. If not for Rusty, her father would not have realized she was missing. The next thing she heard was her father shouting her name. He sounded frightened. Why was he so scared? The next thing she knew father¡¯s arms reached around her an pulled her up. The rush of air into her lungs made her cough so hard tears ran down her cheeks. She remembered how tight his arms were wrapped around her. She could feel his heart pounding. How terrified he must have been. If Cleo ever wandered off like that. This thought brought Sophia fully back to the present.


    To this day, she could still hear her father first tenderly saying, ¡°Oh my sweet, sweet girl. Thank God you are all right. I would never forgive my self.¡± On the shore his mood had changed. With the beach towel he roughly dried her off and he scolded her like she had never been scolded before. His voice broke when he said, ¡°You could have died. Do you know that?¡±


    At only five, death was some unfamiliar concept that had not yet touched her. Besides, the water had been friendly. She tried to tell him what had happened, but he wouldn¡¯t listen. He was too angry and too frightened. It was a fear she hadn¡¯t understood then, but she understood now.


    Kate had told him, ¡°Stop.¡± It was then, that Kate became Sophia¡¯s ally and not that bitch her daddy had lost his mind over. Kate had taken her into her arms. It was she who had murmured, ¡°Its okay Sweetie. You will be careful around the water from now on, won¡¯t you?¡±


    Sophia had nodded. Beyond Kate the waves rolled onto the shore. They called to Sophia, she wanted to play in them. Silently, Kate took Sophia¡¯s hand and lead her into the water. It was cold and bright and beautiful.

 Chapter 3. Walls

    Robert lay beside Sophia watching her sleep. He longed to take her in his arms, only he didn¡¯t. She was tired, she was a mother, she had had a hard day. He knew she saw him as cold. It was the only way he could keep enough distance between them to keep his secret. Once he thought he would share his secret with the one he would grow old with. Would he grow old with Sophia? Beneath her smiles and kind eyes lay a darkness he could not reach. He remembered when they were newly married, spending the weekend on Galveston Island. How lovely she had looked in her white swim suit. It took everything he had to keep his hands off of her. The sun was setting and he was watching her walk alone down the shore. He turned away briefly. When he turned back she was gone! Frantically his eyes had scanned the shore. She wasn¡¯t there. Just the thought of that time sent his heart to racing. He started running to where he had last seen her, screaming her name!He could not swim, he could not go after her if she was out there.


    An older man with mutton chop side burns had asked, ¡°Can I help?¡±


    Robert remembered gulping out the words, ¡°My wife, I think she¡¯s out there!¡±


    The older man took out to where Robert pointed. Robert felt like he was going to die! But then, all the sudden, Sophia had surfaced and began swimming back to shore. Relief then anger had surged through him. How could she be so heartless?


    When she came ashore, she rushed into his arms. She was crying, but silent. She held onto him so tight he couldn¡¯t breathe. It was then that he knew. She had tried to kill herself, one day she might succeed. His voice had brought her back. He asked, ¡°Why did you do that?¡±


    In the dying light of day, she had looked up at him. Her eyes were full of fear. Softly she said, ¡°I don¡¯t know.¡± And then she made the same promise to him that she had made today, ¡°It won¡¯t happen again.¡± It was a promise she had kept until today. What had driven her to do something so foolish while their child was watching. Something was wrong with his wife. Either she had a mental illness or a brain tumor.


    She sighed in her sleep and snuggled up closer to him. He did not move away. He wrapped his arms around her. She needed help. He would talk to her about it tomorrow. He could not lose her the way he had lost his mother. This fear was his secret, the reason he guarded his heart so fiercely. No one would abandon him like that again. Ever. No one would abandon his child the way he had been abandon.


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    In memory he saw his mother. She was a lovely woman with honey colored hair. He stopped there. He refused to go down that road, to unearth those memories or to ask those haunting questions again.


    Gently, he kissed Sophia¡¯s forehead. She wasn¡¯t self centered like his mother had been. He knew she loved him as best as she could, but he also felt the wall that she had erected between them. He too had built a wall. Two walls stood between them and the distance they created was taking its toll on their marriage. His hand slid down her back and pulled her closer still. He could feel her heart beat, her breath. He must not lose her. He must talk to her. He would in the morning. It would be hard, but he had to know, he had to face why she had tried to take her life again.


    *


    The next morning, he awoke in an empty bed. The sun was just coloring the sky. He glanced around the room. Sophia¡¯s pajamas were on the floor and the closet door was open. She must have gone for a run. Fortunately their apartment wasn¡¯t anywhere near the water. He wandered to the curtained off part of the hall and peeked in. Cleo was soundly sleeping. In her arms she clutched her plushie whale. Poor Whaley was a best loved battered fellow. The slow even breaths that came from his child, steadied him. For her sake, he wold talk to Sophia. The past must not be repeated in the future.


    He went to the kitchen and made himself a cup of coffee. It was hot and black. He took his cup to the balcony and sat down on the lawn chair. The birds were beginning to chirp. Only a few birds could actually sing, most just cheeped or made harsh noises. He heard the sound of Sophia¡¯s footfalls on the pavement before he saw her. His eyes shifted to the drive. there she was, dressed in sloppy sweats. Her dark hair was pulled back in a pony tail. The pony tail was keeping rhythm with her stride. His heart ached. He wanted to gather her in his arms and keep her safe forever. If only he had the power to do so. She did not look up at him as she ran passed their balcony. He watched her disappear up the stairs.


    Though he should go in and greet her. Though he should talk to her about his concerns, he found himself rooted in his fear. Words spoken created realities, secrets held could create tragedies. He forced himself to stand. It took all he had to get his feet to go inside. The front door opened. She saw him and gave him a timid smile. For the first time it occurred to him that somewhere in their marriage, Sophia¡¯s trust in him had turned to fear. He said, ¡°We need to talk.¡±


    She nodded. Her voice was small when she said, ¡°Yes, we do.¡±


    The fear inside of him grew. Would she tell him the truth this time? And if she did, could he handle it?


    Sophia crossed the room and perched on the shabby green couch. She placed her hands in her lap. Her fingers locked together. When she looked up at him, she had the eyes of a child who was about to be scolded for good reason. Robert braced himself and sat down across from her. He wanted to take her in his arms. He wanted to dissolve this moment and never face it. From the curtained section of the apartment, he heard a soft sigh.Cleo. He must face this moment for Cleo.


    He cleared his throat and said, ¡°Tell me the real reason why you left Cleo alone like that.¡±


    Tears filled Sophia¡¯s eyes. Her face lost all its color. Softly she said, ¡°If I tell you, will you believe me?¡±

 Chapter 4. In the Telling

    The way Robert looked at her was with concern, love and fear. She knew his history and it was one of the reasons she never told him about her issue. The chasm that had grown between them over the last few years was about to get wider. What would happen then? One by one she began to drag the long buried words from her throat, from her soul. ¡°I did¡¯t go into the water yesterday it took me.¡±


    Robert blinked, but his gaze did not waver. Several moments passed before he asked, ¡°What do you mean?¡±


    ¡°The water wrapped around my ankles and pulled me into it and then under it. I don¡¯t have any control over it.¡± She could tell he didn¡¯t believe her, she could tell he was diagnosing her on the spot. Still, she continued, ¡°When I go under, far enough under, I can breathe.¡±


    His eye brows shot up in surprise. Poor man hadn¡¯t expected this. He took her hands in his and said, ¡°That must have been frightening.¡±


    There was no warmth in his hands or in his voice. This wasn¡¯t going well, like it was ever going to go well. Sophia gulped and nodded. At some point in time she had begun to cry without realizing it.


    His eyebrows went back down. His voice became calm and authoritative. ¡°I think you should see a doctor.¡±


    She didn¡¯t ask what kind of doctor she knew. She didn¡¯t want to see that kind of doctor. Why? If she went to see that kind of doctor, she would have to admit something was not right with her. Something was wrong. And though she had always known deep down, that she was different, she didn¡¯t want to be that kind of different¡­only she already was. Even if she didn¡¯t have a mental illness, she wasn¡¯t normal. All she had ever wanted was to be normal. She wanted to be a normal little girl, a normal teen age girl, a normal young woman, a normal mother, but she had failed to achieve any of these. But what if this wasn¡¯t a mental illness? What if it was real? She could just stay away from the waves. It never happened unless she got close to the waves. From a great distance, she heard her own voice say, ¡°All right. I will contact Dr. Bettin for a referral.¡±


    Robert squeezed her hand and said, ¡°Why don¡¯t you make an appointment with him first.¡±


    This was an extended kindness. Robert was telling her that she and Cleo could go back to Houston, not only for her appointment but to visit her father. She missed him terribly. ¡°All right.¡±


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    He pulled her into a hug. She could feel the frightened thump of his heart. For a few moments they clung together, and then he pulled away. He stood up and said, ¡°Make that call. I¡¯ve got to go to the lab.¡±


    Silently, she nodded. She watched him grab his back pack and test kit. He would be gone for hours. How was she supposed to get through this day? He was not an affection man, but he gave her an encouraging look before he left. It wasn¡¯t a lot but it was enough.


    Sophia went to the bathroom and turned on the shower. The warm water washed the sweat off of her. She had run hard that morning trying to outdistance her demon. Over all telling Robert hadn¡¯t been as horrible as she thought it would be. It had been damn hard and she knew he didn¡¯t believe a word of it. Why would he? Her mind raced to what would come next. No, she would not go there. She must not think this would all end with her in a padded room. She shook her head hard and told herself firmly, ¡°Stop it.¡±


    As soon as she was out of the shower and dressed, she called Dr. Bettin¡¯s office. She had been going to see him since she was a child. He had set her broken arm, listened to her heart, and prescribed medicine for her various illness. Through out her life he had been a kind and caring presence. How would he react when she told him. She didn¡¯t want to think about that, not now. His receptionist, Betty answered. She was an older woman with a soothing southern accent. ¡°How can I help you honey?¡±


    ¡°Um, I need to make an appointment.¡±


    ¡°Okay, how soon?¡±


    ¡°What¡¯s the soonest you¡¯ve got?¡±


    ¡°Thursday at 2:00 p.m.¡±


    That was in two days. She could leave that morning with Cleo and spend the night at her dad and Kate¡¯s, possibly the weekend, before heading back to Corpus Christi. ¡°All right, I¡¯ll take it.¡±


    The Betty asked, ¡°So, what is the nature of your visit?¡±


    Sophia for some stupid reason hadn¡¯t expected this question. ¡°Umm, I just haven¡¯t been feeling well and I need to talk to him.¡±


    ¡°Oh, okay Honey, I got you all set up. See you Thursday.¡±


    ¡°Thank you.¡± Sophia ended the call and sunk to the floor. She was shaking. She pulled her knees up close and hugged them.


    The curtain slid open in the hall and Cleo appeared. Her hair was a mess.


    In her head, Sophia told herself, Pull it together girl. To Cleo she said, ¡°Guess what, we are going to see Grandpa and Grandma Kate.¡±


    Cleo bounced up and down. Her eyes were bright. She clapped her hands together and sang out, ¡°Hallelujah!¡± She rushed over to Sophia and threw her arms around her. Her joy was infectious. Some of it seeped into Sophia. Snuggled against her, Cleo said, ¡°I bet Arther has missed me so much. I miss him too. Can he sleep with me when we¡¯re there?¡±


    Arther was Kate¡¯s ancient beagle, who didn¡¯t smell good. Sophia said, ¡°Um, only if he wants to.¡±


    With confidence Cleo said, ¡°He will want to.¡±


    Later, Sophia called to Kate to tell her they were coming.


    Kate said, ¡°Oh, Sweetie, this is good news.¡±


    Was it, would it be? Sophia didn¡¯t say a word about her doctor¡¯s appointment. That would be a bridge she crossed once she got there. She had crossed enough bridges for one day

 Chapter 5. Patient

    The road was familiar, but everything that lined the road had grown older and changed. Time was a bitch. In her car seat Cleo was singing a never ending round of the Wheels on the Bus. The song didn¡¯t wear on Sophia, it comforted her. Her child was happy and healthy. It was one of life¡¯s greatest gifts. It was not one she would squander.


    Sophia turned down her street. It had once been the place to live, decades before he had even been born. Now it was a bit shabby. The people who lived here were comfortable in their lives and accepting of their neighborhood. There wasn¡¯t an HOA depriving homeowners of their personal freedom of expression.


    When she pulled into the drive, the front door immediately opened. Out of it rushed her dad and Kate. Kate who once wore the tiny red bikini was now a plump menopausal woman whose smile could warm any heart. Cleo started tugging at her seat belt whining to get OUT! Sophia unlocked the door and her father pulled Cleo out. His words echoed in her heart, when he asked, ¡°How¡¯s my girls?¡±


    Truth was Sophia wasn¡¯t up to pretending. She stepped into Kate¡¯s hug, and immediately felt comforted. In her ear Kate whispered, ¡°You okay?¡±


    Silently, Sophia shook her head.


    Kate released her and said, ¡°We will talk later.¡±


    *


    The waiting room was the same, the smell was the same. The receptionist Betty was almost the same except for her gray hair. When she was called into the doctor¡¯s office, Sophia stepped in with trepidation. Dr. Bettin¡¯s face lit up. ¡°Good to see you Sophie. So, what¡¯s going on?¡± He motioned for her to take a seat opposite his desk.


    Sophia sat down. Her heart beat was pounding in her ears. She felt a bit light headed. Unsure of how to begin she blurted out, ¡°I think I need to see a psychiatrist.¡±


    Doctor Bettin cocked his gray head side ways. His eyes were filled with concern. ¡°Why do you think that.¡±


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    Now was the time to be honest. Now was the place, but it was so damn hard to stammer out her story. She didn¡¯t look at Dr. Bettin once and kept her eyes focused on the floor. Dr. Bettin didn¡¯t interrupt her or ask any questions until she finished. Softly he said, ¡°You have been keeping this secret since you were five?¡±


    She nodded.


    ¡°That¡¯s a long time girl.¡± He let out a soft sigh. ¡°I have a friend in Corpus Christi I will refer you to. She¡¯s a bit prickly but I think she can help you, if you put in the work. She can also recommend a therapist.¡±


    Finally, Sophia raised her eyes. Of course there were tears in them. She whispered, ¡°Do you think I¡¯m crazy?¡±


    ¡°No. But something is going on with you. Despite doctor patient confidentiality, I think I should tell you, your mom had some issues that she didn¡¯t even try to resolve. I know you will do the work.¡± He paused and then asked, ¡°Have you heard from your mother?¡±


    ¡°No.¡±


    He shook his head and reached for his pad. He asked her a few questions about her sleep and her appetite then he wrote down the name and number of the psychiatrist. He gave it to her and said, ¡°If you need anything, don¡¯t hesitate to call or come by. It takes a few weeks to get in to see a psychiatrist so be patient and don¡¯t let that over active imagination of yours run away from you.¡±


    ¡°Yes, Sir. Thank you.¡±


    Dr. Bettin gave him one of he dazzling smiles. She smiled as best as she could and left. Her brain was moving at such a fast speed, she was on the freeway driving before she became aware she was headed home. Mama had had issues. Dr. Bettin hadn¡¯t said the same issues. Where was Mama? The thought, Under the sea, floated through her mind. She pushed it away. That was ridiculous. Still the thought stuck.


    Back at the house, she went to her old bedroom and rummaged through the closet. In the very back was a painting her mother had done. She pulled it out. On it a sand castle, not a sandcastle but an underwater sea castle. It had delicate spires and coral grew all around it. The castle seemed to be lit within, all around it were dark waters. It was a painting Sophia had loved before the sea took hold of her and had hated ever since. She thought of the sandcastle Cleo had made the other day. In that moment several questions struck Sophia hard. What if this thing whatever it was, started with building sandcastles? What if it was generational? What if the waves captured Cleo one day, what if they had already and Cleo hadn¡¯t told her? But, Cleo would tell her, she trusted her as a mother. Sophia had never really trusted her mother. Her mood swings had been so abrupt and she¡¯d vanish in an instant on a whim. It had been six years since she had last seen her mother. Where was she? Was she even still alive?


    The door banged open and Cleo rushed in her. Her eyes sparkled with happiness. ¡°Grandpa said I get to help him harvest carrots for supper. I never harvested carrots before. Grandma Kate said I get to help cook them!¡± She spun around on her bare feet and rushed out the door. Yes, unlike her, Cleo was a happy girl. Sophia knew she needed to do everything in her power to protect that happiness for as long as she could.

 Chapter 6. The Sea Lady

    Cleo saw the picture in Sophia¡¯s hands. She smiled and said, ¡°That is pretty Mama. Who made that?¡±


    ¡°My mother.¡±


    She nodded her head. ¡°I thought so. She¡¯s an artist like me.¡±


    ¡°Yes, she is.¡±


    The light in Cleo¡¯s eyes dimmed. ¡°Do you think she will ever want to meet me?¡±


    This question was painful. What to say that wasn¡¯t sugar coating or a bold faced lie? ¡°Maybe, some day.¡±


    Cleo¡¯s eyes went back to the painting. She asked, ¡°Do you think Grandpa would let me have that picture. I like it.¡±


    There was no way Cleo was taking this thing home. ¡°Um, I don¡¯t think so. Its best not to ask.¡±


    Cleo frowned. She put her little hands on her hips and said, ¡°Grandpa always says it doesn¡¯t hurt to ask.¡±


    This was a lie, one of the biggest lies adults told children. Sometimes it hurt very much to ask.


    From the kitchen her father called out. ¡°Come on little girl! We got carrots to pick.¡±


    Without another word about the picture, Cleo turned on her heel and ran back to the kitchen.


    Sophia sighed. Perhaps her adventure in the garden would make Cleo forget about the painting. One could hope.


    For a few moments, Sophia stared at the castle. It was so pretty an the front doors were open. Once she had dreamed of running through those doors. After her first wave incident, she had done her best to avoid the painting. It had hung in her parents room. After their divorce, Her mother had taken it down. How her father had ended up with it, she didn¡¯t know. One thing was for sure, it was going back in the closet. She picked it up off the bed. As, she put the painting back into the closet, she felt something shift inside the frame. Sophia shook it. There was definitely something in there. She turned it over and shook it again. What was it? Curiosity could be a dangerous thing, but she knew she would neither eat nor sleep if she did¡¯t open up this painting. She also knew she might not sleep or eat if she did. In many ways she felt like she was holding a ticking bomb. Was it about to blow up in her hands?


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    She lay the painting on the bed and rummaged through her battered old desk. In the top drawer she found a pair of scissors from grade school. With a dull blade she pried the stables off. . She removed the cardboard backing and found a small blue notebook. On it¡¯s cover, was a crude drawing of a castle. Beneath the castle written in a childish scrawl were the words, The Sea Castle.


    Fear tore through Sophia. She began to shake, she opened the little blue note book, in it were the words, ¡°The first time the waves took to me I was seven.¡±


    Tears pricked Sophia¡¯s eyes. It had happened to her mother too, only she had been two years older than Sophia had been.


    For the most part, Sophia didn¡¯t believe in magic or the supernatural, but her mother had. Probably still did. She continued to read, ¡°The wave came up and tickled my foot, and then it made me laugh. It wrapped around me like a hug and took me into the water. Underneath I could breathe. I felt so at home. No one was yelling or telling me to straighten my clothes or brush my hair. I went far below, to a place I had never been before. A beautiful lady was swimming in the water. She smiled at me and said, ¡°My dear, you are in uncharted waters. She took my hand and we swam to the sea castle. We were just about to enter its pearl doors when a great hand snatched me right out of the water. It was daddy. He was mad and I hated him.¡±


    Sophia¡¯s mother had never talked much about her dad. He was the typical white, controlling man of his time. To Sophia, he was grumpy, but she knew he loved her. He had died from congestive heart failure soon after Cleo¡¯s birth. She remembered how happy he had looked when he his held his new born great granddaughter. He had whispered to Sophia, ¡°Your mother should be here.¡± Yes, her mother should have been there, but she wasn¡¯t. Though Grandpa¡¯s diagnosis had been CHF when he passed, Sophia believed his real heart failure happened when her mother disappeared.


    Footsteps sounded in the hall. It was Kate. Sophia stuffed the note book in her jeans pocket and stuffed the painting under the bed. Kate entered the room and said, ¡°There you are. I got a minute if you want to talk about what the doctor said.¡±


    No, she didn¡¯t want to talk that, but she did say, ¡°Um, he gave me a referral to a friend of his that lives in Corpus.¡±


    ¡°Good.¡± Kate came into the room and wrapped her arms around Sophia. She said, ¡°You know I¡¯m here for you.¡±


    ¡°¡°Yes.¡±


    *


    The reading light spread a soft glow over her mother¡¯s words. Beside Sophia, Cleo slept with her arms wrapped tightly around poor old Whaley. She touched her bright hair and thought, ¡°This must never happen to you.¡±


    It seemed Sophia¡¯s mother had many experiences with the sea. Every time her family wen to the ocean, she visited the Sea Castle and the bright tall woman with shining skin, who lived in the castle. According to her mother the woman was lonely and was only happy when Sophia¡¯s mother visited. Her mother¡¯s experiences were nothing like her Sophia¡¯s. There wasn¡¯t any pain mentioned or even any fear. As she read, Sophia began to suspect that her mother had made the whole thing up. She also recalled some vague memories of her mother telling her stories about a woman who lived in a castle beneath the waves. She continued to read her mother¡¯s childish scrawl. The last line in the notebook was, ¡°One day the sea lady won¡¯t be lonely anymore. Right now I can¡¯t leave my mama or my papa, because I am not grown, but when I am grown, I will go and I will be with her and we will be happy.¡±


    A chill went through Sophia.

 Chapter 7. Going Forward

    It was Sunday morning and time to go. Fortunately, Cleo hadn¡¯t asked to take the painting of the sea castle home. Sophia, honestly prayed the little imp would forget all about it FOREVER. The last thing she wanted in her home was that painting. As for the little blue note book, she had it tucked in her suitcase. For some reason she wanted to share it with Robert.


    They all went outside. In the drive she hugged Kate and then her dad. His arms held her tightly. He knew she wasn¡¯t doing well, but he hadn¡¯t asked any questions. Her father¡¯s approach to life was if you don¡¯t know, it doesn¡¯t exist. She kissed his cheek and released him. He had been her rock as a child, he still was. Softly he said, ¡°You take care.¡±


    ¡°I will.¡±


    He swung Cleo into her car seat and gave her a hug.


    Cleo said, ¡°We will come back real soon.¡±


    ¡°I¡¯d like that, Sweetie.¡±


    Sophia got in the car. Leaving home was always hard. She backed out and headed down the street. Soon she was caught up in the Houston traffic. How she hated the traffic! At least it was Sunday, so driving was manageable. Finally, they were out of the city. On the open road her thoughts drifted to her doctor¡¯s appointment. First to Robert and then to Dr. Bettin, she had told her secret out loud. It was a relief that her individual secret was no longer individual. It was shared. It made her feel like she could breathe a little better.


    The rest of the drive home was quiet. In the backseat Cleo was in sound a sleep. She was completely worn out from working in Grandpa¡¯s garden, cooking with Grandma Kate and keeping everyone completely entertained. As Sophia neared Corpus Christi, she saw the gulls¡¯ white wings spinning and turning in the clear blue sky. A head of her rose the bridge she detested. The steep incline up it and back down it always made her anxious. To her leftshe could see the gulf waters. Sun light dazzled across the waves. She braced herself as she began the climb. The Sunday afternoon traffic was a bit swifter than she was comfortable with, still she kept her head.


    A lone pelican flew across the bridge. Its great brown wings were majestic and strong. As a child, Sophia had often wished she had been born with wings. She still did. Tightly she gripped the steering wheel and started down the slope of the bridge. This always made her tummy hurt. Her over active imagination without fail went into worst case scenario syndrome. She would loose control of the car, it would race down, ram into an embankment and burst into flames. Of course, that didn¡¯t happen. The road flattened out. She sighed. They were still alive.


    From the back seat, Cleo began to stir. Her sleepy voice asked, ¡°Are we almost there?¡±


    ¡°Yes.¡±


    ¡°I bet Daddy was lonely.¡±


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    Perhaps. Deep down, Sophia hoped so. When they pulled into the apartment parking lot. She saw Robert¡¯s little blue VW. So, he was home and not at the lab. A part of her was glad, the other part of her was afraid of living with Robert now that he knew her secret.


    The door of their apartment opened and Robert came out. He was wearing baggy cargo shorts and a faded concert shirt from his high school days. Though his smile was wary, there was warmth to it and concern. He came to Sophia and gave her a hug before he took Cleo out of her car seat. That brief moment of contact steadied Sophia. What ever their troubles may be, she and Robert still loved each other.


    Inside, Cleo talked nonstop for half and hour. She told her daddy everything she had done. Her voice was happy and sing song. In the bedroom, Sophia unpacked and put away the luggage. She was just about to go into the living area, when Cleo said, ¡°Oh, I almost forgot. I saw a painting my grandma made. Not Grandma Kate, but my other Grandma.¡±


    Sophia froze where she was.


    ¡°It was a picture of a sea castle. I wanted to bring it home, but Mama thought it might upset Grandpa to ask him, cause, you know, that Grandma runned away.¡±


    With concern in his voice, Robert asked, ¡°Who told you she ran away?¡±


    Cleo sighed, ¡°Don¡¯t remember. Just heard it. Big people don¡¯t always remember little people are in the room.¡±


    Robert just said, ¡°That happens.¡±


    *


    It was late. Sophia had her mother¡¯s notebook in her hands. Robert came out of the bathroom and climbed into bed beside her. He saw the notebook and asked, ¡°What¡¯s that?¡±


    ¡°Something my mom wrote when she was child.¡± She handed it to Robert. Slowly he read through it.¡± When he finished he asked, ¡°It this what you experience?¡±


    ¡°Not exactly. She seemed to enjoy it. I never have.¡±


    Robert wrapped his arms around her and pulled her close. He didn¡¯t say it, but she knew, he had her back and she was grateful.


    *


    Three weeks later, Sophia sat in the psychiatrist¡¯s office. The doctor¡¯s name was Dr. Brown. The office smelled a bit funny, like mildew and Clorox. The sofa¡¯s were faded blue and there was a large print of daisies on the wall. The waiting area was tiny. Sophia was seated on the sofa nearest the entry. Her hands had lost all feeling because she had them pressed tightly together. Her name was called, she got up. Dr. Brown came out. She was a large woman, built like a linebacker with gray curly hair. Red reader glasses where perched on her nose. Her voice was soft and southern when she said, ¡°Would you like to come in Sophia?¡±


    Everything in Sophia screamed, NO! Somehow she managed to get up anyway. She entered the room. The entire thing was decorated in cats. So many cats. She took the seat Dr. Brown motioned to. Her heart was pounding hard and her hands were sweaty. For several moments Dr. Brown looked at the questionnaire Sophia had filled out. Time stretched out and elongated. Sophia had to work really hard to keep her breathing steady.


    Finally, kind brown eyes looked over the red reader glasses. Dr. Brown said, ¡°So tell me about your episodes.¡±


    Diving into her greatest secret with a total stranger felt too vulnerable, too raw. Yet, Sophia wanted to be okay for Cleo and Robert. She didn¡¯t ever want to do to them, what Mama had done to her. With dry lips and a dry throat, she told the doctor about three of the incidents. She told her about the first time, the second time and the fourth time. The third time she was not ready to share. She would completely crumble if she went there.


    Dr. Brown asked her about her sleep, her appetite, her moods. When she finished she said, ¡°I¡¯m not thinking you need medication right now, but I do think you should start talk therapy. I do think you have some things to work through. A therapist will help. Also I¡¯d like a therapists opinion about your mental health.¡±


    ¡°Okay. Can you recommend someone?¡±


    ¡°The receptionist will give you a list of possibilities.¡± Dr. Brown stood. She was a very tall woman. ¡°If you need anything, if anything happens, don¡¯t hesitate to call.¡± When she smiled, Sophia felt a bit safer. She wasn¡¯t all better, she didn¡¯t know what was wrong with her, but she had started the journey. Now three people knew her secret. When she got her therapist, there would be four. There was safety in numbers. At least that is what she hoped.

 Chapter 8. Squeaking Markers

    Robert sat in the waiting room with Cleo. From the fourth story window he could see the Gulf. Cleo could see it too. She had her face pressed against the glass. ¡°Can we go to the beach after Mama get¡¯s done with the doctor?¡±


    ¡°No we can¡¯t. Mama is tired we have to go home.¡± Fortunately Cleo didn¡¯t argue the point. She came and sat down beside him and pulled her sketch book and markers out of her tote bag. With her usual concentration, she began to draw. Her markers squeaked across the page. Over and over during the past few weeks, she had been drawing and redrawing pictures of an underwater castle. It was unnerving. He took a quick peek at what she was drawing. Relief flooded him, it was just another portrait of Whaley. He glanced at his watch. The forty-five minute session was almost over. This was Sophia¡¯s first time to speak to a therapist. She had been really nervous. The last thing he had wanted to do was accompany her to this sort of place. As a child he had often been entertained by the receptionist while his mother went through a heavy session. On lighter days, he went into the room with her and played with cars and stuffed animals while his mother quietly talked. About what? He had no memory. Once again he reminded himself, ¡°Sophia isn¡¯t like Mom.¡±


    The door to the offices opened and Sophia stepped out. Her eyes were a bit red rimmed, but her nose wasn¡¯t red, so at least she hadn¡¯t been sobbing or anything. The petite therapist smiled at him and then told Sophia, ¡°If you have any questions, call.¡±


    Sophia nodded and paid for her session.


    In the car, Cleo asked, ¡°Did you get a shot Mama?¡±


    ¡°No Sweetie, no shot.¡±


    ¡°Ohh, that¡¯s a relief. I hate shots. They sting.¡±


    In his head, Robert thought, ¡°If only there was a shot for this.¡± He wasn¡¯t sure exactly what this was. He was not yet at a place where he could admit his wife had some sort of mental illness. He glanced up into the review mirror at Cleo. Her face was turned toward the window. With her gene pool, what troubles might reside in her young mind? It was a scary thought.


    Back at the apartment, Sophia went to their room and closed the door. She hadn¡¯t said a single word on the way home. When Cleo spoke to her, she would give her a weary smile. Since the incident, she hadn¡¯t been sleeping very well.


    From the kitchen Cleo called, ¡°Daddy, I¡¯m hungry.¡±


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    He went to the pantry and opened it. Sophia looked at the row of snacks. She said, ¡°I want chocolate chip cookies, but we don¡¯t have any.¡±


    ¡°Pick something else.¡±


    She frowned and asked, ¡°Do we have any krill?¡±


    ¡°Uh, no.¡±


    ¡°I bet you got some at school. Go get it. Whaley told me it was really good.¡±


    Sometimes his child¡¯s imagination was worrisome. Every toy she owned had a distinct personality and specific tastes. Even her toy cars came with fully formed issues and dislikes. He said, ¡°Whales like krill. People have to peel them because their exoskeleton¡¯s are toxic. So, no, I¡¯m not peeling krill for you. I might not do a good job and you¡¯d get sick.¡±


    ¡°How come Whaley don¡¯t get sick?¡±


    Robert wanted to shout, ¡°BECAUSE HE¡¯S NOT REAL!¡± Such a declaration would end badly. To Cleo, Whaley was as real as Santa Claus. Patiently he said, ¡°Because the toxins don¡¯t hurt whales¡¯ tummies.¡±


    ¡°Oh, okay. Guess I will just have toast with blueberry jelly.¡±


    That was easy enough and something he could actually make. ¡°Will do.¡±


    ¡°Thanks Daddy.¡± Cleo spun around, headed down the hall and disappeared behind her curtain. When the toast was ready he took it to her. She had her sketch pad out and was once again drawing a sea castle. Whaley was swimming in the background, In front of the sea castle were three girls. He didn¡¯t ask who they were. He knew, it was Cleo, Sophia and Sophia¡¯s mother. All he said was, ¡°Here is your toast.¡±


    She looked up from her drawing and said, ¡°Just put it on the floor.¡±


    He put the plate on the floor and left quickly. He wasn¡¯t superstitious, he didn¡¯t believe in God, but he felt like some evil was seeping into his family. How could he protect them? He shook his head, he was being silly and paranoid. The logical thing to do was to face this straight on. He turned around and pushed open Cleo¡¯s curtain.


    She looked up from her drawing and asked, ¡°What is it Daddy?¡±


    He pointed at the picture. ¡°Who are the people in your drawing?¡±


    ¡°Oh.¡± With a smile she said, ¡°The one in pink is Mama. The one in red is your mama and the third one is the Sea Lady.¡±


    Cold fear swept over Robert. His mother had been found in a red dress when she over dosed. He fought to keep his voice steady as he asked, ¡°Why is she wearing red?¡±


    ¡°Cause its her favorite color and she looks pretty in it.¡±


    It had been his mother¡¯s favorite color. ¡°How do you know its her favorite color?¡±


    Cleo cocked her head and thought for a moment before she said, ¡°Cause she wears that color a lot in the box of pictures.¡±


    ¡°What box of pictures?¡±


    ¡°The one Pawpaw hides in his shed.¡±


    Unable to respond, Robert stood frozen staring down at his child. Children were more resourceful and capable than adults gave them credit for. ¡°Does Pawpaw know you look at his pictures.¡±


    She nodded affirmatively.


    Why would his father share those photos with Cleo?


    Aloud Cleo answered his question. ¡°Pawpaw thinks I¡¯m pretty like she was.¡±


    Never before had Robert allowed himself to see the resemblance between his child and his mother. Now, he couldn¡¯t deny it or unsee it.


    Cleo asked, ¡°Daddy are you okay? You look scared.¡±

 Chapter 9. Lights

    Sophia lay awake listening to the rise and fall of Robert¡¯s breath. She had pretended to be a sleep when he came to bed. For hours she lay still, in this space of nothingness, doing her best to not think. Exhausted, sleep finally pulled her in and under. A peculiar light surrounded her. The air, no the water was warm and pale green. Lovely fish swam around her. She was breathing. She wasn¡¯t afraid. Complete calm enveloped her. She began to swim toward lights beneath the surface of the sea. Not once did she allow herself to look at or ponder the presence of the darkness beyond. In the distance she saw the vague outline of a structure. It was then, that her fear came rushing back. No, she would not go there! A strange sound swirled around her and then she heard her mother¡¯s voice say, ¡°Its okay my girl. There is nothing to be afraid of.¡±


    She shouted back, ¡°Where are you?¡±


    A light flashed from the structure. ¡°I¡¯m here, follow me, I want to show you my home.¡±


    Sophia felt a soft suction take hold of her. Gently it began to pull her toward the lights. She screamed, ¡°NO!¡± With a hard jerk, she changed directions and headed toward the surface of the water. She broke through and took in a jagged breath. Her chest hurt, he lungs hurt the ways they always did when she ripped herself out f the water. She was sobbing.


    Someone drew her into their arms. It must not be her mother! She opened her eyes and looked up. It was Robert. He asked, ¡°Are you okay?¡±


    She crumbled against his chest. His heart was racing. She had frightened him along with herself. ¡°I¡¯m sorry. I had a night mare. My mother was trying to lure me into the sea castle.¡±


    He didn¡¯t say anything. His arms tightened around her. She could feel his fear. She knew his history. Against his chest she whispered, ¡°I¡¯m okay, really. It was just a dream.¡± Truth was, she didn¡¯t know if she was okay, she only knew she needed to be.


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    Robert eased them down onto the mattress. He kept his arms around her. A slight tremor went through his body. Sophia knew some section of his brain was going back to that day when he found his mother dead in her bedroom.


    A tune began to play in her head. It was something she had heard in a Korean drama. Vaguely, she remembered the English lyrics of ¡°One Million Roses*¡±. It was a song about true love and the hardships of life.


    The chorus kept playing over and over in her mind. It was about having a heart without hate in it, and giving love without holding back. If a person could do this they would return to their home star. This star was a place that was always longed for.


    A memory came to mind. Sophia was thirteen. She and her mother were dancing in their old living room. It was one of Mama¡¯s good and happy days. Now, Sophia suspected her mother might be bipolar, but at the time, it was just how Mama was. Had Mama longed for her home star? Had she decided the Sea Castle was her home and the Sea Lady was her true love? Sophia shut her eyes tightly. She did not want to cry, she did not want to wake Robert again. How had her mother passed the Sea Castle down to her? She didn¡¯t want it, she didn¡¯t need it. She had Daddy and Robert and Kate. They were solid and unshifting, and sometimes down right boring.


    Mama had never been boring. Never. Her eyes sparkled with mischief, flashed with anger or shone with happiness. Her stories were always detailed and mind catching. Boring was never and could never be used as an adjective to describe her.


    In the dream, why had Mama wanted her to join her in the Sea Castle? Why? Mama hadn¡¯t been impatient, but she seemed so very eager to have her company in her under water world. If Mama wanted her so much, why had she disappeared?


    The therapist had touched on some of her mommy issues during Sophia¡¯s first session. Sitting on that couch, spilling her guts had made Sophia feel physically sick. Still she hadn¡¯t thrown up and she hadn¡¯t cried. In that rooom, she heard her voice string together words about her self, her life, her family, but she had felt so disconnected from herself. She felt disconnected from herself now.


    During her session, though the blinds had been closed, the waters still flashed light through the slits. The water had called to her. She did her best to ignore it. The water was calling to her now, inviting her to sneak out and drive down to the shore.


    *One Million Roses¡± song by Raimonds Pauls, lyrics by Leon Briedes

 Chapter 10. Awake

    It had been six months since the incidence. It was amazing how time and distance could blur and soften a fear or enhance it and grow it beyond recognition. For Sophia, it was the former. Therapy was helping. She was learning some of the whys and hows of her reactions and impressions. She was sleeping, eating and feeling a sense of happiness she had not experienced in a very long time. As she drove Cleo to kindergarten that morning, they were both singing, ¡°The Wheels on the Bus¡± at the top of their lungs. Life felt normal. She pulled into the drop off line. It was late winter. The first tiny buds were appearing on the trees. At the entrance, Elderly, Ms. Connors opened the car door and helped Cleo out of her car seat. With a smile and a blown kiss, Cleo skipped inside the red brick school.


    Back at the apartment, after two hours of going over insurance contract wording, she put on her chucks and went for a walk. Soon, spring would burst. She loved Spring and its sense of new beginnings. Her mind wandered from topic to topic as she walked. Not once was she tempted to go to the water. She had learned that that particular feeling was an impulse, an impulse she did not have to follow. Mama had been very impulsive. What ever crossed her mind was interpreted right into her life. Sophia didn¡¯t have to live that way. She was learning how to navigate life in a new and healthier way.


    In the small park, several dog owners had dogs of various sizes on leashes. She wanted a dog, but Cleo was loud enough without adding barking and howling to apartment life living. In the distance she saw a woman dressed expensive gold leisure wear. There was something vaguely familiar about her. She turned toward Sophia. Sophia¡¯s heart stopped. She let out a soft gasp. IT could not be. The woman wore rhinestone rimmed glasses. If she saw Sophia, Sophia couldn¡¯t tell. Two instincts fought inside of Sophia, one was to run away and the other was to run to. She chose run to. If that woman was her mother, she had to know or she would be haunted by this moment for the rest of her life. Swiftly she spanned the distance. The woman had stopped. She seemed to be watching Sophia¡¯s approach. When Sophia was standing in front of her, the woman removed her sunglasses and she smiled.


    It was HER! With a smile, like they had just seen each other yesterday, her mother said, ¡°I can¡¯t believe you found me.¡±


    A single word erupted from Sophia¡¯s mouth. ¡°What?¡± Found her, she hadn¡¯t even been looking for her. The next thing Sophia knew her mother had thrown her arms around her. She still smelled the same, felt the same. Any minute now, Sophia was going to wake up and this was not going to be real, again.


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    Her mother let go of her and held her at arms length. Softly she said, ¡°You have barely changed at all.


    Dumbstruck, Sophia said nothing. Her mother had changed. She was sleek looking and her clothes were all name brand. This was not the whimsical stay home mom, Sophia had known. Her mother patted her cheek, and said, ¡°I am so happy.¡± She hugged her again.


    The next hour of Sophia¡¯s life was completely surreal. Her mom lived in Corpus Christi and had for the past ten years. She was a sales consultant for an athletic clothing company. They would have to do lunch. During that entire hour, Sophia had spoken less than a hundred words. The woman, she used to call Mama, supplied the other ten thousand words. Finally, she rose from the park bench and said, ¡°I must get going.¡± She gave Sophia another hug and quickly walked away.


    It wasn¡¯t until Sophia was back at the apartment that she realized, her mother had not asked her for her contact information. Sophia had been so overwhelmed, she hadn¡¯t thought to ask for her mother¡¯s. The truth was she didn¡¯t want her contact information. This hadn¡¯t been some happy reunion, it had been a painful realization of how thoroughly her mother had abandoned her.


    She went into the bathroom and filled the sink with cold water. Several times she splashed her face in an attempt startle herself out of her current confusion. Had she really seen her mother after all these years? Was she really alive? It seemed so, but it just didn¡¯t feel real. Nothing felt real. For several moment she studied herself in the mirror. Her eyes were wide with fear and he was pale. On her right shoulder there was beach sand. How had sand gotten on her shoulder? She dusted it off. The strong smell of salt water filled the tiny room. The next thing she knew a wave rose from the sink and picked her up. Higher and higher she went through the apartment above her and then through the roof. The next thing she knew she was over the Gulf. Like a bad carnival ride, she dropped, her stomach didn¡¯t go with her. She hit the water hard. Pain shot through her entire body. A strong suction carried her down into the depths.


    It was very dark. The water was cold, and yes as always she could breathe. There weren¡¯t any lights here. She looked up. Far above her was the dull glow of the water¡¯s surface. If this was real or an hallucination, she was determined to swim to the top. With all her strength she fought against the pull of the water.


    Words from her grandpa came to her, ¡°Sometimes you just have to go with the flow.¡±


    That didn¡¯t seem safe, but she was exhausting herself trying to maintain her place. No she would fight. Fight she did until she had spent all her strength. Against her will, she began to drift. The water carried her farther and farther away from the dim glow of the surface. Soon, it was all dark. She wondered, ¡°Am I dying?¡±


    At some point she lost consciousness. When she awoke, she saw lights in the distance and a familiar outline. Her mother¡¯s voice called out to her, ¡°Its okay my girl. There is nothing to be afraid of.¡±


    Oh yes there was!

 Chapter 11. Beneath the Surface

    The water grew warmer, it was not a sultry warmth, but a comforting one. The nearer she came to the Sea Castle, the more clearly she could see it. It was absolutely beautiful, a fortress of iridescent shells put together like bricks and mortar. The tall spires had luminescent fish swimming around and around at their tops. They weren¡¯t just light, they were living light. A garden of multi colored coral surrounded the castle. It was like a fairy tale, like a dream. It was beautiful, like a promise kept. Standing in front of the ship timber doors were two women. One was dressed in red. Sophia, immediately recognized her. It was Margaret, Robert¡¯s mother. The other woman was older. She wore a living cloak of sea weed that swirled gently around her. Her mother was still clad in her gold athletic wear. Sophia drifted to a halt before the women.


    The first thing she asked is, ¡°Why am I here?¡±


    It was the Sea Woman who answered, ¡°We don¡¯t know the answer to that question.¡±


    Sophia¡¯s second question was, ¡°I am I trapped here?¡±


    Robert¡¯s mother, Margaret, shook her head. She came toward¡¯s Sophia. Her eyes were so like Roberts. She said, ¡°Thank you for loving my son. I left him in a terrible way. I didn¡¯t want to go, but I didn¡¯t know how to stay.¡±


    In her months of therapy, Sophia had learned a few things about suicide and the first was it could not be simplified or tucked neatly away. It was a messy hard process with so much brokenness in it.


    Tears stood in Margaret¡¯s eyes, which was a bit weird considering they were under water.Those eyes held such pain.


    This was NOT happening. This was a dream and she must get out of it. Sophia didn¡¯t want to feel compassion for Robert¡¯s mother. Anger and blame were much easier to direct and control. She blurted out, ¡°He found you dead.¡±


    Softly Margaret said, ¡°I know, I was there. I watched, and I was devastated by the last memory I gave my son. It was an action I couldn¡¯t take back, and at that point in time, I had lost my ability to endure. If I could have changed it, changed me, I would have.¡±


    This was unbelievable. She had been drug against her will to hear the confession of Robert¡¯s dead mother.


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    She turned to her own mother and asked, ¡°Are you dead too?¡±


    ¡°No, I¡¯m not.¡±


    ¡°Do you live here?¡±


    Sophia¡¯s mother gave her an apologetic smile. ¡°I would if I could, but I¡¯ve still got living to do.¡±


    Anger surged through Sophia. ¡°Living that does not include me.?¡±


    ¡°Perhaps one day, it will include you, but I¡¯m not ready yet.¡±


    ¡°What? Why did you have me if you were just going to abandon me?¡±


    For a second, her mother dropped her eyes and then she looked up at her. ¡°I had you because I wanted you. I had you because I thought I could give you a good life. Be honest, your life was much less chaotic once I left.¡±


    This sentence was like a driving a stake into the heart of a vampire, it was deadly. Furious, Sophia said, ¡°You don¡¯t get to tell me how you think I felt, when you weren¡¯t even there. First you left Daddy and then you left me.¡±


    ¡°Yes I did. I wasn¡¯t thinking clearly. I have an illness several. This is not who I planned to be.¡±


    This was not what Sophia wanted to hear. She said, ¡°I want to go home now.¡±


    It was then that the Sea Woman stepped forward. Fear filled Sophia as she approached her. Was this strange woman about tell her how she too would fail and leave her child? She didn¡¯t ever want to do that.


    In a voice that sounded like wind on the waves, the Sea Woman said, ¡°Your mother and your mother-in-law didn¡¯t want to do that either. Sometimes, despite a person¡¯s best efforts they fail those they most love. We don¡¯t want that to be your story. As you know, people on the surface deal much better with those who have illnesses of the body than they do with those who have illness of the mind. Too many believe a body can be sick, but not a mind. Right now, you are in a delusion, it is up to you to do the work to escape this place. It will be a life long fight, and you might fail. Failure happens.¡± She paused a moment and said, ¡°Success happens too, one moment at a time.¡± She pointed at the swirling darkness beyond the castle. ¡°That darkness will follow you, and it will submerge you at times, it may even take you away. You must respect it and its power. You must also respect yourself and your own strength.¡±


    The next thing Sophia knew she was engulfed in a water spout that was spinning her quickly to the surface. She closed her eyes. This thing could kill her¡­only it didn¡¯t. She hit her bathroom floor hard. She was in her apartment dry and uninjured.


    She still had more questions and a new batch of fears. Had this thing really happened or was it just in her mind? Had it always just been in her mind?


    Frightened she got up and dug her phone out of her purse. She went through her contacts and called her psychiatrist. When the receptionist asked, ¡°How can I help you?¡±


    Sophia said, ¡°I need to speak to Dr. Brown. Does she have any openings?¡±


    Several silent moments passed before the receptionist said, ¡°I have a cancellation on Friday at 3:00, can you come in then?¡±


    Robert didn¡¯t have class on Fridays so he would be able to take and pick up, Cleo from school.


    ¡°Uh, yes.¡±


    ¡°All right. We will see you then.¡±


    ¡°Okay.¡± Sophia hung up the phone, Friday seemed like an eternity away. She should have asked to talk to Dr. Brown directly, but she wasn¡¯t very good at expressing herself. She did have therapy tomorrow. She could call her therapist, but she wasn¡¯t ready. All she wanted to do was crawl into her bed and weep. Why was this happening to her?

 Chapter 12. The Next Day

    Sophia started her therapy session by saying, ¡°I saw my mother yesterday, at least I think I did. I don¡¯t have any proof. I didn¡¯t even think to take a picture with her.¡±


    Her therapist asked, ¡°You saw your mother?¡±


    ¡°Yes, well I think I did.¡±


    ¡°What do you mean?¡±


    Morning sun glanced through the window. Sophia looked down at the floor and began her story. ¡°I met her on the street. We found a bench and she told me about her work and that she had been living in Corpus Christi for years. She seemed real, but after getting water spouted out of my apartment, I think she was just another part of my hallucination.¡± Sophia paused. She waited for interrogation about what she had just said. None came. Her therapist said, ¡°Go on.¡±


    ¡°I didn¡¯t get her contact info. I didn¡¯t even think to get a picture of her. I was so overwhelmed by her that I couldn¡¯t think.¡± From there she told the part of the story about the water spout and the sea castle. As she talked her therapist sat quietly listening. From time to time she cocked her slick blonde head and wrote down a note. Sophia continued to plow through her story. It felt like she was never going to get to the end of it. Finally she did. Her heart was pounding so hard she could hear it in her ears. Her therapist said, ¡°So this was the fourth time something like this has happened to you.¡±


    ¡°No ma¡¯am, its the fifth.¡±


    Her therapist looked up from her note pad. ¡°You told me about the time, you were five and your parents were freshly divorced. You told me about the time when you started to live with your dad. There was the time shortly after you and Robert married, and then there was the incident six months ago. What have you left out?¡±


    If Sophia had had the courage to get up and run out of that room, she would have, but she had been an incredibly obedient child and she continued to be an obedient adult. She opened her mouth and let the story, the one she kept secret spill out. She had been eighteen and had gone off to college. She didn¡¯t want to go to Texas A&M, but her mother had been determined she would go and did . Mama was still around at this point in time and was very invested in her future. Often she said, ¡°I don¡¯t want you to turn out like me.¡±


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    Sophia didn¡¯t want to turn out like her mother either. It seemed going off to college was the cure, so she went. One weekend a group of her quasi friends decided to go to Galveston. The trip would take her close to home and what she most wanted was to be close to home. So she went. It was a decision she would regret for the rest of her life. This trip was not like high school trips. The partying was non stop at the beach and one moody handsome boy had joined the group and then, lured her away. What happened next had left Sophia scarred. Remembering the dark and the force used on her was as vivid as the night it happened. She had managed to break free of him and she had taken off running toward the shore. The next thing she knew the water had taken hold of her and was pushing her down into its darkness. It held her. She could breathe. It pulled her away from the shore. It pulled her to safety and then it tried to take her away. She didn¡¯t want to go away, she did¡¯t want to lose her life because of some stupid prick. It was then she resisted the tug of the water, it was then she started swimming hard. She came ashore further down and went straight to the bait shop and had called Daddy to come get her. The next semester, she had gone to the University of Houston.


    When she finished this oh too familiar story from the life of a woman, she closed her eyes. Her therapist said, ¡°I think you did see your mother, yesterday. I think she triggered what happened this time. Perhaps she will seek you out, perhaps she won¡¯t. Think about the things those women told you. All of it was sound. The mind is a tremendously complicated entity.¡±


    Sophia nodded.


    Her therapist asked, ¡°Remember your first session?¡±


    How could she forget! Again Sophia nodded.


    ¡°Cleo turning five and starting school triggered you. When you were five your family fell apart. Your current family is not falling apart. Your past is not being repeated in your daughter¡¯s life. Yes, she will have her own battles. She¡¯s sensitive and imaginative and that is a tough but wonderful combination. Think about what happened yesterday. The sea didn¡¯t take you to a terrible place. It took you to three women who poured some love and insight into you. They called it a delusion, but, it seems more like a sacred dream to me. It reminds me of some of the mythologies and dreams I have read about indigenous people. This time you didn¡¯t have to fight the water. The water spout took you back home, it didn¡¯t try to kill you or keep you, it released you. The Sea Castle was a symbol for your mother and it became one for you. It is a symbol you don¡¯t have to keep. You are in uncharted waters, building your own family and your own life. The past does not have to repeat itself.¡±


    ¡°But what about Cleo¡¯s drawing of the Sea Castle with my me and Robert¡¯s mother and the Sea Lady, it predicted what happened to me.¡±


    ¡°Did it? Perhaps it just planted a seed that grew into what you saw and heard yesterday.¡±


    This was all sounding a bit too mystical to Sophia.


    Her therapist continued, ¡°I will email my thoughts to Dr. Brown and you and she can discuss what method of treatment is needed as you go forward.¡±


    ¡°Okay.¡±

 Chapter 13. Delays

    It wasFriday afternoon. Sophia sat near the exit. She always sat near the exit in waiting rooms. Being near the door, meant she could get out quick. Right now she wanted to leave. She had been wanting to leave for forty-five minutes. She glanced at her phone itwas 4:00 pm.Her appointment had been scheduled for 3:00. There was one more person before her. He was a very anxious man whose skin was flushed red by high blood pressure or anxiety, or both. Once again she wondered why waiting in waiting rooms played such a huge part in mental health maintenance. Sitting for an hour holding a physical magazine about home beauty unable to concentrate on anything as she waited to have an appointment she did not want to have was such a time suck. Irritation prickled through her. Cleo was home. Robert was home. She wanted very much to be home.


    Finally, the person ahead of her went into the office. She could hear the low murmur of Dr. Brown¡¯s voice. Mentally, Sophia began to prepare for entering that room. Her heart rate picked up. She hated coming to the psychiatrist¡¯s. She hated it so much. She hated it even more because she was going to have to relay her bizarre experience. How would Dr. Brown respond? What medications would she prescribe? What if Dr. Brown decided she needed to be observed in a psychiatric ward? Sophia began to sweat.


    Too soon, the man ahead of her and came out again. The entire appointment took less than fifteen minutes. Fifteen minutes. Sophia took in a slow breath. One way or another, this would be over soon. Dr. Brown came to the door and called her name. The woman smiled at her. It was a professional smile, not cold, but other. Sophia stood. What she would say started looping in her head. Inside the office, she was once again overwhelmed by the number of cats that covered the walls, shelves and desk top. She took a seat.


    Dr. Brown situated her muscular body behind her desk. She tapped her tablet and read through Sophia¡¯s file. When she finished, she looked up and asked, ¡°How have you been?¡±


    As always Sophia¡¯s throat went dry. Talking to her psychiatrist always made her more nervous than talking to her therapist. With her therapist she had forty-five minutes to get it out. With her psychiatrist, she barely had time to collect her thoughts. ¡°Um, I feeling a bit better. I¡¯ve slept better the past two nights, and my appetite is a bit better too. I don¡¯t feel so afraid of failing at motherhood or leaving my child.¡±


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    Dr. Brown said, ¡°That is good.¡± She asked her a few questions about what she had seen and heard while she her mind had transported her to the sea. Dr. Brown listened thoughtfully. Sophia was aware she was being being scrutinized. When she finished, Dr. Brown said, ¡°I read over your therapist¡¯s notes and while I am not exactly into her mumbo jumbo, I think there were definitely positives in the experience. You did have a break through. I¡¯d like to see you every week for the next three weeks to monitor your progress. I¡¯ve scheduled some additional psychological testing for you to take at your therapists office. Insurance may not cover it, but I think the tests are important. Your therapist and I need to have a clearer view of how your mind works. Also, I am going to prescribe an anxiety medication for you to take as needed. It seems to me that anxiety has a role in your episodes.¡±


    ¡°All right.¡±


    Dr. Brown asked about her pharmacy information and tapped in a prescription. She stood, and Sophia stood. She smiled and said, ¡°I will see you next week Sophia.¡±


    Back in the car, Sophia felt dazed. She always felt dazed leaving the psychiatrist¡¯s office. There was something terrifying about having to be that vulnerable while at the same time having to admit and receive help because she had a mental illness.


    On the drive home, she called her father-in-law. His kind voice answered. He asked, ¡°Hey Kiddo, what¡¯s up?¡±


    ¡°Poppy, I need to tell Robert I know about what happened with his mom. I just wanted to let you know. There may be fall out. Are you okay with that?¡±


    ¡°Kiddo, I never told you not to tell him. He¡¯s not going to be happy about it. We both know how private he is. I will handle whatever comes next. So do what you need to do.¡±


    ¡°Thank you.¡±


    Warmth and compassion filled his voice as he said, ¡°It will be okay, it may even be better. Secrets can be poison. If you need anything don¡¯t hesitate to call.¡±


    ¡°All right. Love you.¡±


    ¡°Love you too.¡±


    They hung up.


    Outside the January sky was overcast. A light rain was beginning to spit out of the clouds. Sophia hated slick roads. She climbed into the car and drove out of the parking lot. On the road, her knuckles grew white as she clutched the steering wheel. Inside her chest, her anxiety began to rise.This was a day of hard things. Maybe she should wait another day before she told Robert. Was she really up to it today? Would she ever be up to it?


    Her phone pinged. Her prescription was ready. That was fast. She was grateful. It gave her a bit more time before she had to face Robert.

 Chapter 14. To Listen

    Worried about Sophia, Robert had been relieved when Cleo¡¯s friend Maria had asked her to come play after school. Sophia had a psychiatric visit and he needed to talk to her alone. Something was up. The last few days she had been unusually quiet. She felt very far away. The past few nights she had slept better, the reason he knew that was because he hadn¡¯t been able to sleep at all. There was something gnawing in his gut. He knew he was being over sensitive, but he couldn¡¯t seem to help himself. Last night she been particularly quiet and distant, more distant than she had ever been before. He feared he was loosing her. That fear was strong inside of him. If it was humanly possible, he would not lose her. Panic was ripping through him. He looked around the empty apartment. Seldom was he in this space alone. Cleo or Sophia or both were always there. Actually, he didn¡¯t like being alone. He never had.


    The silence of the apartment seemed to echo. This would not do. So he did what he always did when he was nervous or upset. He started to tidy up. He picked up toys that had been left in various corners of the apartment, loaded the dishwasher and even started some laundry. He was not a domestic man by nature, only by worry. Chores made time pass. He kept glancing at the clock. His hope was Dr. Brown was behind in her schedule. His unusual fear was that Sophia had left him forever.


    Outside the door, he heard the rattle of Sophia¡¯s keys. He braced himself. Sometimes she came home from visiting Dr. Brown totally wrecked. When she entered, she ran straight into his arms. He held her fiercely. She had captured his heart the first time he saw when she was in her teens. They hadn¡¯t started dating until a few years later. Both had been too shy and too awkward to begin anything that even vaguely resembled a romance until they were in their early twenties.


    She pulled away from him and said, ¡°We need to talk.¡±


    These were four of the most terrifying words ever spoken. She took his hand and lead him to the couch. She didn¡¯t let go of his hand. Facing each other, eyes locked, she told him, ¡°This is going to be hard to say, and its not going to make much sense, but I want you to listen to me all the way through. Okay?¡±


    He nodded. It was suddenly difficult to breathe.


    She began, ¡°A couple days, I ran into my mother. Apparently she is living here. Sorry, I didn¡¯t tell you. I didn¡¯t know what to say or how to act even. Seeing her sent me to a bad place. I had an episode.¡± Her hand tightened in his. He felt her eyes searching his soul. He recognized her fear of rejection. He must not let her down in this moment. Reassured, she continued, ¡°I didn¡¯t think to get contact information, or anything, so I don¡¯t know if or when I might see her again.¡±


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    Inside his chest Robert¡¯s heart had begun to race. She was beating around the bush a bit and he needed to know NOW where this conversation was headed.


    For several silent moments, her eyes went to the window. When she turned back to him, she hesitated. ¡°In my episode, the water in the bathroom sink sent me up into a waterspout that hurled me into the sea.¡± She paused and studied his face. Now he was absolutely terrified. Had she gone mad? It took everything he had not to protest. This time he was unable to reassure her. She continued anyway. ¡°I went to the Sea Castle. My mother was there, so was your mother and the Sea Lady.¡±


    Thoughts raced through Robert¡¯s mind, questions swirled. Would she have to be locked up? For a few moments he lost the thread of her story. When she said, ¡°You¡¯re mother told me,¡± his focus returned.


    She held his hand with both of hers. It was obvious, she was pleading for his understanding. Could he give it to her or would he betray her and himself?


    ¡°Your mother told me, she was there when you found her.¡±


    Robert¡¯s mind began to reel. He felt like he was about to pass out. He had never told her about finding his mother after she committed suicide. He had never told anyone. Only his dad knew. Had he told her? Most likely.


    Sophia¡¯s grip on his hand tightened. ¡°What I am about to say may sound crazy.¡±


    To Robert it all sounded crazy.


    ¡°In my dream, vision, illusion, what ever the hell it was, your mom wanted me to tell you that she is so sorry. She hates that you found her. If she could take it back she would.¡±


    Would she? Tears formed in Robert¡¯s eyes. The world seemed to be shifting in a terrible way.


    Her voice broke when she asked, ¡°Crazy right?¡±


    He couldn¡¯t help himself he nodded.


    ¡°I am sorry for that. But, as a mom, who is struggling, I know how badly I would feel if I ever hurt Cleo like that.¡±


    Anger snapped out of Robert, ¡°But you are not my mother. What ever dream thing you had doesn¡¯t even begin to express everything I went through. An apology, even a real one will never erase that day from my mind or my memory.¡±


    ¡°I know. I just felt like it was important that I tell you what she said. In my heart I believe its true.¡±


    This was nuts. If this was any other moment in time, he would have argued the point but he didn¡¯t. Sophia was trying to get better in a way his mother never had. She didn¡¯t just expect medicine to make her all better. She understood she had to fight and fight hard to get better. Though he was not a praying man, he did pray that this was a battle she would win.


    ¡°My therapist walked me through the rest of the vision, illusion, hallucination¡­whatever it was. She said the most important thing about the incident was that the water released me, it sent me back home. The Sea Lady didn¡¯t try to keep me. Dr. Brown told me I¡¯ve had a break through. I have to take some more tests that insurance may not cover. Still, I wanted you to know, I feel like for the first time since I was five, that somehow I¡¯m gonna be okay. Somehow I will work through this.¡±


    Sophia¡¯s eyes held light, genuine light. He pulled her into his arms. He was not an articulate man. Against her hair, he whispered, ¡°I love you.¡±


    ¡°I know. I love you too.¡±

 Chapter 15. Sunlight on Water (Final Chapter)

    Sunlight scattered across the water. The roar of the waves was music. Sophia stood on the shore of Crystal Beach watching Robert and Cleo swim in the Gulf. Since Robert had learned to swim, Sophia worried less when they spent a day at the beach. She never realized how much his inability to swim had frightened her until he could swim. As for Cleo, she had taken lessons with her dad and it had been a great bonding experience. Sophia sighed. Cleo was eight now. Having a child was having a living time marker. As every mother ever said, Cleo was growing up way too fast. Too soon she would be one of those hormone riddled teen aged creatures. Still, Cleo wasn¡¯t yet. Sternly, Sophia told herself, ¡°Focus on the moment. This is a good moment.¡± It was indeed a good moment. One never knew when a good moment was coming or going. Life was like the ocean, one had to ride out waves and bad weather, but one also got to enjoy sunlight on the water and the singing of the waves.


    Behind her on a beach towel, he mother sat under an umbrella slathered in so much sunscreen, she reeked. Mama had a fear of skin cancer. Her presence in Sophia¡¯s life was complicated. When Mama took her medicine properly, she was more even, but she was still unpredictable. She always would be. One of the things Sophia had learned in therapy was that she had to let people be who the were. Another thing she learned, that was quite hard was that, she must allow the people in her life to love her the way they could, and not demand they love her the way she wanted to be loved. With Mama that could be damn hard. Still, she wouldn¡¯t go backwards. When her mother had contacted her through a letter right before Robert completed his master¡¯s degree, it had made Sophia happy and relieved. While her journey to the Sea Castle had not been real, she had indeed run into her mother that day. The two never spoke of the Sea Castle or the lady who lived there. Still, the Sea Castle had formed a bridge between them. Never would she and her mother be close, but they could now be together for hours at a time without Sophia feeling like she was going to strangle her.


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    She turned away from the water and began to walk down the beach. Many young families were there. A few teenage girls lay sprawled out in tiny colored bikinis. Before she knew it, Cleo would be one of them. A sigh escaped Sophia. Such lovely young bodies. She once had one. Her daughter was going to get one. She shook her head. There was much one had to accept with the passage of time.


    Gently, the waves lapped around her toes. The water was warm as it move back and forth over them. She no longer feared being snatched away by the sea. Over the last two years, she and the sea had been getting reacquainted. It was a long process. Did she have the freedom to rush out into the water and join Robert and Cleo? She could if she wanted to, but she didn¡¯t want to, she wasn¡¯t ready to and she might never be ready. It was okay. Every fear couldn¡¯t be conquered just by being faced. This day, she was just thankful she and the waves could be side by side. The waves could rush around her feet, but she was not tempted to enter them. The Sea Castle was something that still haunted her if she thought about it too long. It probably always would.


    In the distance, Sophia heard the sound of her child¡¯s laughter. She turned. Robert was pulling Cleo through the waves by her heels. Robert was laughing too. He saw Sophia and lifted his chin to her. His eyes were full of joy. He let go of Cleo¡¯s heel and waved. Cleo flopped over and stood up. She waved both hands at Sophia. Neither asked her to join them. How lovely they looked amidst the sunlight dappled water. Warmth stole through Sophia. Those two people in that sea of light were hers. Hers. She closed her eyes and tilted her head toward the sun. A prayer of gratitude echoed inside of her.