《EVERYTHING WE WERE - BOOK II》 CHAPTER 1 ~ A VUCHELLA ¡°Let go your heart. Let go your head. And feel it now.¡± ~ ¡°Babylon¡± David Gray 1:17 a.m. ¡°I miss you.¡± When I read the ¡°I miss you¡± text on my phone just after I woke up the next morning, a huge smile broke on my face. I¡¯ve never had a woman tell me that she missed me before, but the most bizarre thing about it was I felt the exact same way, and once I read it I felt safe enough to respond. When I sent the ¡°I miss you too¡± text I felt absolutely no reservations about it as it was nice to communicate a feeling to someone I truly felt that also lacked a fear of judgment for feeling. It¡¯s hard for people to understand how someone could miss someone they had only seen four times in their lifetime, but it felt like I had been missing her my entire life unconsciously and was just now being made aware of it. Before we left Luke¡¯s that night, Anya informed me that it was a busy time of the year for her because of business obligations during the holidays as parties, events and dinners were the norm for her throughout the entire month of December. She apologized for her current schedule, something she didn¡¯t need to do, but she also promised to remain in touch with me often. I understood she had other obligations, obligations that were in place far before we met, and it was integral for her to fulfill those. I was also busy as I had a ton of work this time of year planning for the firm¡¯s busy season engagements that ran from January up until mid-April, and even though we couldn¡¯t see much of each other during December, we were lucky enough to live in a day and age to have cell phones and texting capability. Five days into December though¡­Anya seemed to have a hard time adjusting to our schedules when she called me one day out of the blue. ¡°Hey Anya.¡± I said, anxiously answering my phone. ¡°How are you?¡± ¡°I¡¯m sorry for calling.¡± she replied. ¡°I¡¯m just missing you.¡± ¡°Please don¡¯t ever apologize for calling because I¡¯m missing you too.¡± I said. ¡°Hard to believe it¡¯s been only five days since we last saw each other.¡± ¡°I know¡­it feels like a month.¡± she said. ¡°Landyn¡­am I ever going to see you again? I¡¯m worried.¡± ¡°Of course Anya. Why wouldn¡¯t you? I¡¯m not going anywhere. I know I left you alone there that night but you¡¯ll see over time that wasn¡¯t really me.¡± I assured her. ¡°I¡¯m here for you anytime you need me. Don¡¯t be worried. I understand you¡¯re busy. We both are. It works out. OK?¡± ¡°K.¡± she said. ¡°I¡¯m out in L.A. at a friend¡¯s holiday party. I was just wishing you were here with me right now. I have to get back in there though. Have a goodnight Landyn.¡± ¡°You too. Have fun! I¡¯ll talk to you later.¡± As I hung up the phone I smiled again as I was warmed by her thoughtfulness and concern. It felt good to know I was on her mind as much as she was on mine, and her call let me know how much I meant to her. After I walked away, and the manner in which I did, I couldn¡¯t blame her for thinking I would do the same thing again. I knew I needed to convince her I was in this for the long haul. I needed to convince her I was aware of her circumstances and the consequences. I had to make her feel safe no matter what. Nothing in this world is truly perfect, and things are never perfect, but I believe the best things in life worth having are born from imperfection as they are never easy. I understood her fears for the most part but I had to make sure she felt safety in all that she feared. A few nights later she reached out to me again, this time via text. 9:03 p.m.

¡°Ok, missed you. I¡¯m really sorry, can¡¯t help it.¡± A

9:08 p.m. ¡°Will I ever see you again? Just confused¡­¡± Have you ever had a person you thought about so much that you wait for them to contact you because you don¡¯t want to look like an impatient fool, but they never do? That wasn¡¯t Anya. Not even ten days into our relationship did she make me feel insecure for a second about her feelings for me, and it gave me the strength to open up a little more. Not only did it seem she was anxious to be swept off her feet but it appeared she really wanted me to. After she sent me the two texts, I asked if could call her, and she said it was okay to do so. ¡°What¡¯s wrong?¡± I asked. ¡°I just feel bad Landyn.¡± she said. ¡°I¡¯m not available to you. It¡¯s not right.¡± ¡°Are you afraid I¡¯m going to leave you again?¡± ¡°Yes. Very much so.¡± ¡°I¡¯m not going anywhere unless you tell me to.¡± I said. ¡°Over time you¡¯ll see I¡¯m not the type to walk out on anyone. That was a rarity what happened at the Pacific Grill. Again, I didn¡¯t leave you because I didn¡¯t like you¡­I left you because I did. You¡¯re married Anya and I had to protect my heart. It had nothing to do with you personally. It had to do with your situation. I care about you enormously.¡± ¡°I care about you too.¡± she said. ¡°Would you want to go to the movies on Sunday? I can meet you in the afternoon before my cocktail party later that evening? I¡­I miss you.¡± ¡°I miss you too. Great¡­¡± I said in disbelief of her thoughtfulness. ¡°I have something to look forward to on Sunday now.¡± ¡°I¡¯ll text you the details later.¡± ¡°Sounds good.¡± ¡°Thank you for your patience. It means a lot to me.¡± ¡°No problem. Just do what you have to do. Don¡¯t worry about us. We¡¯ll catch up.¡± ¡°K. Goodnight.¡± ¡°Goodnight.¡± From this night on, I would either hear her voice or be texted goodnight from her. It was a small thing but Anya was a woman who knew the smallest gestures were the largest in importance, and so did I. The week seemed to go by easier knowing I would see her in a few days. On Saturday, she contacted me via text to meet her at Wayward Island in Newport Beach at the Edwards movie theater there. Since it was my first time at Wayward Island, an outside mall, I parked too far from the theater, but even as my poor sense of direction had given me an extended walk, I still made it on time. I waited literally only three seconds before Anya showed. She kept her attire beautifully simple; a pair of snug dark blue jeans and a floral patterned slim fit long sleeve blouse, but it was the first time I had seen her in the afternoon sunlight. Usually the lack of lighting at bars did women justice but under the sun¡¯s rays, she dazzled as her gorgeous skin and eyes were made extraordinarily vivid and vibrant. When she saw me, she did not speak a word and came right into my arms as if I was home. I held her for ten seconds and when we broke our embrace, her smile lit up the sky as much as the sun did, or maybe it was a combination of the sun and the way I glowed from inside as I felt for the first time my life had a meaning. Even though I had lived without her my entire lifetime, it felt unfathomable that I lived without her for a single day. I instinctively touched the side of her right cheek because I could sense its warmth by sight alone, but I quickly withdrew because we were in the public eye and had to keep it as low key as possible. ¡°It¡¯s sooo nice to see you.¡± she said. ¡°It¡¯s been crazy.¡± ¡°It¡¯s really nice to see you too.¡± I said. ¡°I¡¯m glad we get to spend some time together.¡± ¡°Me too. What should we see?¡± ¡°What type of movies do you like?¡± ¡°Oh¡­I don¡¯t have a preference. What kind of movies do you like?¡± ¡°You know¡­this is going to sound weird but I don¡¯t like action movies.¡± ¡°My gosh¡­really? That doesn¡¯t sound typical.¡± ¡°Action movies to me are just too unrealistic¡­too farfetched. They can never really happen. I¡¯m just drawn more to true stories or dramas.¡± ¡°American Gangster looks like a drama and a true story. Would you wanna see that?¡± ¡°Are you sure?¡± I asked concerned she made a choice more on what I would like than she would like. ¡°Is that something you wanted to see?¡± ¡°I don¡¯t care what we see.¡± she said. ¡°As long as I¡¯m with you.¡± Thirty-seven years had come and gone in my life. Every day as ordinary as the next. As much as I dreamt about being in love growing up and how it would feel, I could not have imagined another person would say what Anya had just said to me. I had gone to the movies for years on dates and even with my first girlfriend, Sara, quite often, but never had a woman made me feel the movie didn¡¯t matter before. Even though movies run about ten to twelve dollars nowadays, when you¡¯re with someone you truly care about, the memories you share during the show makes the price of admission worth every penny. In a span of just ten days, Anya made me feel something no other woman had been able to do in thirty seven years¡­she made me feel special. After we bought the tickets minutes before the show started, we went to the snack counter and she bought popcorn for us and a Diet Coke for her after I opted for bottled water. When a huge smile broke on her face as she handed me our popcorn and my water, I could see this movie was a welcomed hiatus from her daily stress for her as she seemed genuinely happy to be with me. When we entered the theater, we immediately noticed we had it all to ourselves and when we sat down next to each other, she held onto my right arm and put her head on my shoulder as I placed the popcorn on my lap. ¡°Are you comfortable?¡± I asked her. ¡°Very.¡± she said. ¡°Let me know if your shoulder gets tired.¡± ¡°That won¡¯t happen.¡± I said never feeling more comfortable in my life. She then looked up at me and our lips met for a few seconds before the movie started, but I found it hard to pull away and luckily for me, she did too. When we finally withdrew at least ten minutes later¡­we didn¡¯t utter a single word to each other to acknowledge a silent understanding that our taste was an anticipation long overdue. To be honest, to this day, I still don¡¯t have any recollection of a scene in ¡°American Gangster¡±. I just knew Denzel Washington was in the flick, and Anya and I kissed throughout most of it. As she laid her head on my shoulder, I found myself lost in deep thought as I wondered how sad it must be for her, a wife, to not feel safe enough to lay her head on the shoulder of her own husband. Then, as if on cue, my low self-esteem suddenly crept in to make a cameo appearance just to let me know she would probably do this for any guy who showed her attention based on the historical premise that absolutely no woman has ever been drawn to me this way before. Fortunately, though, the reality was I had Anya¡¯s head nestled on my shoulder and my thoughts would rebel and embrace how great it felt to have her soft hand in mine and her lovely head near my heart. Through the entire movie, I could feel how much she enjoyed just holding my hand, a distinct sensitivity I felt keenly as she massaged it with her thumb and traced her fingers inside my palm. Not only did this feel like it was something she thought about, it also felt like she was feeling around to know me better; to know me intimately; to know me as well as she knew herself as it seemed she wanted to know me more than anyone had ever known me so she could set herself apart from the others before her. Upon this revelation, a feeling of inner peace swept over me to banish those low self-worth thoughts I just felt and had long grown accustomed to. It was at this singular moment, one of the purest simplicity, that I knew Anya was different, far different from any girl I had ever met before. A girl I had always looked for but was beyond what I would even dare to dream of anymore out of fear, and it was then at this moment, I realized I would find out over time if she was indeed the girl I looked for all these years or if the stars, who were truly in control, wrote out our fate years before she met me. I had been hardened by my past struggles. A personal upheaval Anya didn¡¯t know about, but at the same time, no other girl ever knew them as well yet I was always judged regardless. All the things women had seen wrong in me, Anya saw them as right, and I just couldn¡¯t believe, even under the circumstances, that our relationship wasn¡¯t written by someone greater than us. By someone who moved the planets around the sun. By someone who held the entire universe together. Our relationship appeared to be a microcosm of the perfect harmony that existed all around us from the beginning of time, as we fell through a portal to see how far we could go. After the movie, a movie I never watched but hated to see end, I walked Anya quickly to her car as she had to be home because she always made dinner for her kids. When we reached her vehicle, a black BMW, she offered to give me a ride to my car, but I forgot where I parked and I didn¡¯t want her to be late. I kissed her quickly good-bye and we parted not knowing when we would see each other again but knowing we would. 6:46 p.m.

¡°I¡¯m home now. Good night babe. I had a great time! A

I told her to text me when she got home to know she got home safely and she did, but a few hours later after she wished me a goodnight, she texted me again. 8:40 p.m.

¡°I¡¯m sorry. I just miss you. It¡¯s really hard at night not to think about you.¡±

8:48 p.m.

¡°Well I guess I¡¯ll go. It¡¯s just hard. I¡¯ll talk to you in the a.m.¡± Lv, A

When I saw these two texts come through I immediately texted her because I felt it too¡­all she was feeling. After our great day at the movies, I found it hard to come home to my lonely apartment as I realized it was just that for the first time, but it was nice to know she felt the same way I did even with distractions at her home. The ¡°Lv¡± at the end stifled me. I didn¡¯t really know what to make of it. I thought it was ¡°love¡± but so soon? Not even Denise loved me, and we experienced the most intimate act two people could ever experience. I know I cared for her deeply and it appeared Anya felt the same way but no woman has ever told me ¡°love¡± anything and really meant it; other than my mother, but that was something I felt was conditional love because the condition was¡­well I was her son. I reasoned the ¡°Lv¡± stood for something I didn¡¯t know about such as all these other acronyms like lol (laughing out loud) or smh (shaking my head). Lv probably meant ¡°Lea-ving¡± or "Loser-ville" knowing my luck so I chose to not analyze it for the time being. I texted Anya to tell her I was having a hard time too and I missed her but to not worry about me because I understood the situation. I felt I had a lot to prove to her before I truly earned her love, trust and the cognizance I had swept her off her feet. Patience not only had to be a virtue, but also my best friend. 8:54 p.m.

¡°I don¡¯t know what to say. You amaze me. I better go¡­Talk to you in the a.m. Goodnight. ¡± Lv, me

I wished her goodnight, but a couple of hours later she text me again. 11:15 p.m.

¡°If you¡¯re able to I can meet you either Tues or Wed. If you can¡¯t I would understand. You can let me know later, no rush. Bye for now¡­¡± Lv, A

The ¡°Lv¡± at the end grabbed me more this time around as I could see how much she struggled over the last ten days alone. I then began to consider what it was like for her the last six months. How badly she must have felt after I had broken her heart. All these texts, in fact all her communication to me had genuine feelings behind it. It was honest. It was open. She wore her heart on her sleeve even more than I did, as she went out of her way to sweep me off my feet before I could even begin to sweep her off of hers. We then decided we would meet at an Italian restaurant called Luiggiano¡¯s near my apartment on Tuesday. I almost asked to see if she wanted to come over to see my place, but I resisted the urge as I reasoned it was too soon. Late the following morning, I received a text from her however that threatened our plans to meet. 11:52 a.m.

¡°Change of plans. I just learned that I can¡¯t have lunch. My son is having oral surgery Tuesday and I have to be there and for recovery. I¡¯m sorry baby. If I bail on the dinner party this Sunday, would you be able to meet me? It¡¯s the only time I have before January to see you. Hope you understand.¡± A

I asked if her son was alright and she told me he had chipped a couple of teeth running at school in the morning. I cared about her canceling because I looked forward to it, but her son¡¯s health was much more important than my heart. I told her it would be great to see her on Sunday if it was possible. 12:53 p.m.

¡°K, let me work on Sunday and I¡¯ll let you know. Thanks for being flexible. It really means a lot to me.¡± A

It can be said because of my past luck, I had become an over the top analytical person when it came to my relationships. I mean no harm in my analyses, but I tried to avoid unnecessary pain when possible because I know how sensitive and passionate I am. I saw that Anya¡¯s texts this time did not include the ¡°Lv¡±, but I reasoned it was because she thought I would be upset and leave her when she cancelled her plans¡­probably something the guy she met before me did. The thing was though, I ¡°lv¡¯d¡± her too, and after only ten days, I started to look forward to her texts, and to hearing from her every day. She made my stressful workday bearable so even though I tried to avoid being hurt, I decided to put my trust in her feelings for me, or maybe she just naturally made me feel secure in them. The story has been illicitly taken; should you find it on Amazon, report the infringement. 8:20 a.m.

¡°Good morning handsome! I missed saying goodnight to you last night. Can you call me before you get in? I have to talk to you about Sunday.¡± A

I called her immediately after I got her text, right after I had stumbled out of the shower, as she told me Sunday was a go. She then admitted she could have texted me but she preferred to hear my voice because it made her feel safer. To hear this from someone I¡¯d specifically ask questions to that required a long winded response because her voice pleased my ears like the London Philharmonic Orchestra, rendered me speechless. If she wondered if I was for real, I found myself beginning to wonder the same thing however she was consistently real all the time, and on this morning, our ten minute conversation got me through the entire workday because I knew I had something to look forward to again this weekend. 6:36 p.m.

¡°Missing you¡­¡±

After I saw this text as I was stepping into my car to head home after work, my heart felt relieved as my head filled up with happy thoughts, and I quickly text her back to thank her because I was feeling the exact same way again. 6:49 p.m.

¡°You¡¯re most welcome. I really care. I can¡¯t remember ever missing someone this much, maybe because I don¡¯t have the freedom. Wish things were different¡­ I better go. I¡¯m hanging with the kiddos. Before you go, tell me one more thing about you that I don¡¯t know.¡±

I didn¡¯t know what to tell her so I told her my favorite type of food was Japanese and even though I agreed to go to Luiggiano¡¯s because she loved Italian food, I mostly disliked Italian meals for the most part which didn¡¯t make much sense because I¡¯m part-Italian. She then revealed something about herself as well. 7:27 p.m.

¡°I¡¯m a vegetarian, nothing that once had a face! No fish! I¡¯m part-asian, that doesn¡¯t make sense.¡±

I found that interesting simply because she looked entirely Asian, but there were more things we would learn about each other over time we had no idea was true. This time, Anya was at the restaurant before I was, and I even lived right down the street. When we met each other inside Luiggiano¡¯s there was no time for a hug or even a short kiss as unlike the Pacific Grill, Luke¡¯s, and the movie theater, the place was packed. I watched Anya¡¯s eyes carefully as she scanned the restaurant, unsure exactly what she was thinking, but sensing some reservation in her. ¡°Could we sit at the bar?¡± she asked. ¡°Is that ok with you?¡± ¡°Of course.¡± I said. ¡°We¡¯d probably wait an hour for a table if we didn¡¯t. We can go somewhere else if you want to?¡± ¡°No that¡¯s okay babe. I¡¯m sorry¡­just a little bit worried. I know a lot of people in this part of the city.¡± ¡°I understand.¡± I said. We then found two open seats at the bar and scanned through the menus that were set down before us by the bartender. I had never ordered a meal with Anya before, and quite frankly I was a little nervous, not because of the people Anya may have known around us, but because she looked so beautiful in the tight short sleeved dark blue top she wore that it tied my stomach in knots. I wanted to tell her how vulnerable she made me, but decided to play it safe instead. With her being a vegetarian, I thought ordering a salad would be a good complement to her order, and after I revealed my selection to the bartender, I prayed she didn¡¯t sense my butterflies, but I believed even if she did, she was not the type of person to mention it. ¡°I didn¡¯t know you drove a Mercedes.¡± she stated. ¡°I didn¡¯t tell you that?¡± I asked knowing full well I never told her about it. ¡°Nope. I just noticed it when I saw you pull in.¡± she said. ¡°It¡¯s a nice car. Usually a man would brag about driving something like that.¡± ¡°It runs really well. The way it hugs curves is fun. Love the German engineering.¡± I said. ¡°I don¡¯t think it¡¯s much of anything to brag about though because I prefer to be liked for who I am and not for what I drive.¡± ¡°Is that why you parked so far away from the theater?¡± she asked. ¡°Were you afraid I¡¯d find out what you drove?¡± ¡°Not at all.¡± I said honestly. ¡°I parked far away because I had no idea where the theater was¡­ but I don¡¯t like women to know what I drive for the most part.¡± ¡°Well¡­I care more about the person than I do about what they drive.¡± ¡°That doesn¡¯t surprise me at all.¡± I said. ¡°I know you do¡­but you have to consider you probably already have those things so why would you?¡± ¡°I find it sad to think that so many women think that will make them happy in life. A nice car. A nice home. I think it¡¯s so sad. They just don¡¯t get it.¡± Her statements were not a surprise to hear as I remembered when she snapped at me the first night we met when she said ¡°money and things don¡¯t lead to happiness.¡± The thing that surprised me though about her statements was not only how much she seemed to get me, but also how much she seemed to get it. How she didn¡¯t jump at me for insinuating women wanted men with money. She knew there was a truth to it because she used to live it until it humiliated her¡­ and I appreciated her honesty and the humility that came with it. It was rare and I found my eyes adoring her even more than I had the previous time we had seen each other. There was something behind her eyes that allowed me to see beyond just where she sat. Her mind and the ideals she stood for enriched my being as it drew me to her like a sun¡¯s solar flare, a bond pushed slightly outward to experience things outside its host only to be drawn more forcibly back in to reunite with an enlightened fervor. If there was a moment where I was brave enough to respond to her ¡°Lv¡¯s¡± this was the time¡­but I held back as I held on to the pain of Denise. ¡°What was the last guy like?¡± I asked. ¡°The last guy?¡± ¡°Yeah¡­you know¡­the guy you dated before me.¡± I asked again, nervously. ¡°Oh, Lance?¡± she replied, a look of surprise breaking upon her face. ¡°My God¡­I forgot about him.¡± ¡°Didn¡¯t he break your heart too? And you let him off the hook just like that?¡± I joked. ¡°I guess before I met you I didn¡¯t know what a broken heart really was.¡± ¡°I think you know what a broken heart feels like more than anyone. That¡¯s why we connected. It¡¯s not fun to go through and I can¡¯t imagine what it feels like when you¡¯re married to the person. Everybody says it¡¯s easy to move on after short relationships but I beg to differ.¡± ¡°How so?¡± she asked. ¡°I¡¯m speaking from experience¡­but I found it harder because you don¡¯t really have anything to cling onto that you don¡¯t like about the person. The relationship is so short lived you really only know the things you do like about them¡­things you may even love about them. I just found it harder because of that.¡± ¡°Do you always look for the good in people?¡± ¡°I don¡¯t think there¡¯s any other thing I should be looking for in others than the good side of them. If I''m going to date them to seek out the bad then I shouldn''t be dating them in the first place. I mean...why waste their time? No one¡¯s perfect anyway. All I care about is if they¡¯re perfect for me.¡± ¡°This isn¡¯t a perfect situation though Landyn. I feel bad about that. That¡¯s why I get scared.¡± ¡°What are you afraid of?¡± ¡°I¡¯m afraid you will give up, get frustrated¡­and leave me.¡± ¡°I don¡¯t know how to ease your fears¡­because I¡¯ve walked away one time before. After Lance left you and then I did the same thing, I understand your concerns. All I can say is I¡¯m not the type to give up easily. I believe persistence pays off. I have to tell you this¡­¡± ¡°Tell me what?¡± ¡°You know¡­I¡¯ve been in relationships with women that were free to see me anytime they wanted to. They were free to care about me all the time and anytime.¡± I stated slowly. ¡°In a span of just two weeks you have seen me more times with much less freedom. Every time I see you I learn something new about you that draws me closer, and it makes me want to learn more. The thoughtful texts you send me every night confirm all I am feeling too. I know you need me to sweep you off your feet, but you¡¯re so afraid of losing me that you don¡¯t realize you¡¯re sweeping me off of mine. I think that¡¯s just you though. You have a natural way of making people feel safe and letting them know they are special¡­ without having to tell them. You let your actions speak, not your words. That¡¯s a beautiful gift. I think in time¡­you will get to know the real me and I wouldn¡¯t be comfortable with you leaving for me until you meet him. So¡­patience is key for both of us, and I don¡¯t think pressure is something we need right now. Let¡¯s just relax¡­.take a deep breath and get to know each other and then see what happens and let the chips fall where they may¡­but I¡¯m not going anywhere.¡± ¡°I don¡¯t want you to go anywhere.¡± ¡°Good¡­because you¡¯re stuck.¡± I teased. ¡°I don¡¯t mind being stuck with you.¡± she said. ¡°I want to be stuck with you.¡± ¡°Well¡­that makes two of us.¡± The previous three times we met, we had some things to get off our chests and some emotions to release. We knew we were going places just not sure how to get there. This meeting though was something entirely different because it was the first time we could concentrate on getting to know each instead of talking about our obstacles in life. It seemed our interest in each other grew the more we talked about who we really were. When our salads came out, it gave us a respite from the learning dynamic but the more our salad disappeared from our plates, the more we learned how much we had in common. ¡°What kind of music do you like Landyn?¡± she asked. ¡°I don¡¯t know. I guess I like it all except hard core gangster rap and death metal.¡± ¡°Oh my God! I¡¯m sooo glad you don¡¯t like those!¡± ¡°Kind of a bonus huh?¡± I laughed. ¡°If I had a preference I would say I gravitate towards classic and hard rock.¡± ¡°Really?¡± she perked. ¡°Like what kind of bands?¡± ¡°I tend to like bands that can rock when they need to but can also play a good love song like¡­you know¡­The Scorpions¡­Pink Floyd¡­Def Leppard.¡± ¡°I love the Scorpions!¡± she exclaimed. ¡°You do?¡± I asked surprised. ¡°Everyone thinks ¡°Rock You Like a Hurricane¡± is there only hit song but they have a ton of them.¡± ¡°Love them! Do you like Led Zeppelin?¡± ¡°Zeppelin¡¯s great too!¡± ¡°There¡¯s a Zeppelin cover band that plays at the local bars called ¡°Dread Zeppelin.¡± I was going to check them out next Friday night with Debbie. Would you want to meet us out there?¡± ¡°Definitely!¡± I said. ¡°I¡¯ve heard of them but never been. That would be very cool.¡± ¡°Okay¡­I¡¯ll let you know.¡± she said. ¡°I¡¯m going to see Bocelli perform on Saturday night. Do you know who he is?¡± ¡°The blind tenor. Yes I do. He has a great voice.¡± I said. ¡±I kind of grew up on Pavarotti. My Dad used to always play an album of Neapolitan songs he did. Have you ever heard of Tosti or DiCapua?¡± ¡°No.¡± she said. ¡°Who are they?¡± ¡°They were eighteenth century composers. Pavarotti covered their songs. ¡°O Sole Mio¡± by DiCapua which means ¡°My Sunshine.¡± And ¡°A Vuchella¡±, by Tosti which means ¡°Little Mouth of Flower Petal Lips.¡± ¡°A Vuchella¡± though was my favorite because he sings it with so much emotion. I don¡¯t speak Italian but I can sing that song in English and Italian¡­although not very good, but I can sing it¡­which is pretty spooky if you think about it. I¡¯ve just heard it so many times because of my Dad¡­it just grew on me. That¡¯s the beauty of music though. If it touches your heart, you can understand it in any language.¡± ¡°Maybe you can sing it to me some day?¡± ¡°Would love to.¡± I said. ¡°I wish you could come with me to see Bocelli but it¡¯s sold out. I bought these tickets way back in May...before I met you. I gave Debbie the ticket and she''s already made arrangements with her family to come.¡± ¡°Well, maybe someday we can go together?¡± ¡°I would love that.¡± she said. ¡°I initially bought these tickets for Lance and I, and I was going to surprise him, but I guess the surprise was on me. Lance is a romantic singer in the spirit of Andrea Bocelli. Sounds just like him actually. He has an amazing voice Landyn. Josh Groban amazing.¡± ¡°To sound like Bocelli he must have an amazing voice.¡± I said. ¡°Who¡¯s Josh Groban?¡± ¡°Oh my god! You don¡¯t know who Josh Groban is? He¡¯s an amazing singer too.¡± ¡°Well¡­there¡¯s a lot of singers I¡¯m not familiar with to be honest.¡± ¡°I¡¯ll burn you a CD.¡± she said. ¡°So you can catch up.¡± ¡°Thank you! I appreciate that.¡± I said. ¡°How did you meet Lance?¡± ¡°As the Events Coordinator of the company I reached out to a few performers for a particular event we were having. During the interviewing process I got to know Lance personally and things just happened.¡± ¡°I take it you told him about your situation?¡± ¡°Yes¡­he knows.¡± she said. ¡°It was just a friendship more than anything else. It was passionate, but just a friendship.¡± ¡°I don¡¯t know how I can compete with a guy who sounds like Andrea Bocelli and Josh Groden.¡± ¡°It¡¯s Josh Groban¡­and there¡¯s no competition babe.¡± she said sweetly. ¡°You¡¯ve already won.¡± I could tell Anya was moved by music¡­sounds that pleased her ears and I appreciated that about her. Music was an emotional outlet of expression for me as well. I dabbled in guitar, but I was never musically inclined, and even though I¡¯d have an easier time performing open heart surgery than writing or creating a song, I still loved music. It moved me too, and it was nice to put a face to the romantic songs I always liked, but could never really embrace until now. ¡°What do you do for fun Anya? Do you have any hobbies?¡± I asked. ¡°I love to run.¡± she said. ¡°I run half marathons. Would like to run a marathon one day but kind of scared. I¡¯ve broken my ankle a couple of times.¡± ¡°Ouch. I¡¯m sorry to hear that.¡± I said. ¡°I can understand your fear of running a marathon after a severe ankle injury. I¡¯ve had one myself before playing basketball and I was afraid to step back out on the court after that, but I think you¡¯d be surprised by the things you can accomplish if you set your mind to them.¡± ¡°Do you like to run?¡± she asked. ¡°You look like you run. You¡¯re in good shape.¡± ¡°You think so? Thank you." I acknowledged. "I¡¯m not much of a runner. When I was younger I used to run a lot because I played sports quite a bit though.¡± ¡°Which ones?¡± ¡°Baseball, basketball, football, even hockey¡­um¡­on roller blades though¡­not ice skates.¡± I said. ¡°I roller blade at the beach sometimes on the paths.¡± ¡°I used to roller skate. Maybe one day we can go skating at the beach together?¡± ¡°That would be very nice.¡± I said with a smile as I imagined us at the beach lacing up our skates. ¡°I also like to read and write. That¡¯s my other hobby.¡± ¡°You like to read?¡± she asked incredulously. ¡°and write?¡± ¡°Yes¡­I frequent bookstores often. I must admit though I¡¯m not very up to date on my classic novels but I do read quite a bit. I love to be transported anywhere but here sometimes. Other than falling asleep, reading allows me to escape this place.¡± ¡°I love to read too.¡± she announced cautiously. ¡°What have you written so far?¡± ¡°Well, I was working on a novel but I gave up on it.¡± ¡°Why did you give up on it?¡± ¡°Reality.¡± I said. ¡°I was broke and I didn¡¯t think I had what it took to be a good writer¡­so I decided to study business instead.¡± ¡°If I may ask¡­what was your novel about?¡± ¡°You know¡­I¡¯ve never told anyone about my novel before.¡± I revealed hesitantly. ¡°I¡¯ve kind of kept it to myself¡­but here it goes. I read an article in the newspaper one day about a man and his wife who were attacked by a great white shark on their honeymoon while scuba diving off the Great Barrier Reef in Australia.¡± ¡°Oh wow. Sounds tragic.¡± ¡°That it was.¡± I confirmed. ¡°As I read the article further though, I learned the wife saw the shark coming at her husband and then instinctively jumped in front of the shark just before it could attack him. The husband was quoted in the article that he witnessed in horror as the shark literally tore his wife apart. I just thought it was the most beautiful act of love and sacrifice I had ever been made aware of¡­and it was true. True love does exist. So I thought I would take that story and embellish it under the pretense that the husband had no recollection whatsoever of the attack.¡± ¡°He suffered from amnesia?¡± ¡°A self-imposed amnesia because the event was so traumatic he buried it away as if it never happened because it was too painful for him¡­but instead of her saving his life, the police believe he premeditated her murder and was covering it up by saying it was a shark attack. I thought it would be an interesting dynamic¡­the fact, or truth versus what is logically derived and is therefore disguised as the truth. The story then leads the cops to investigate their history and they ultimately learn that they didn¡¯t have the best relationship and it was highly likely he had a motive to kill her. He even admits he hates her guts, but he doesn¡¯t know why, while his attorney, who is having marital problems of his own, is trying to ethically save a client who is not interested in saving himself from a certain death, but in the end¡­¡± ¡°What happens?¡± ¡°Do you want me to spoil it for you?¡± ¡°I just want to hear your voice when you tell it to me.¡± ¡°You like my voice?¡± ¡°Uh-huh.¡± she responded almost in a trance state. ¡°Well, in that case.¡± I said as I smiled. ¡°In the end he sees something that kick starts the healing process right at the end of the trial. He then learns the reason he hates her so much is because he has to live the rest of his life without her, the love of his life, because of her selfless act. ¡±That¡¯s pretty deep.¡± she said. ¡°Even in darkness there is beauty.¡± I finished. ¡°I guess in my life I¡¯ve had to write about true love to experience it. Kind of pathetic I know.¡± ¡°So you believe true love exists?¡± ¡°I believe so.¡± I said without giving my feelings away if it suddenly scared her. ¡°And you never wrote this novel?¡± ¡°I wrote about a couple hundred pages then gave up.¡± I said. ¡°I decided to join the real world instead.¡± ¡°Do you still write?¡± ¡°I do somewhat.¡± I said. ¡°I keep a journal of my thoughts and feelings just to stay in touch with my writing.¡± ¡°Am I ever in your journal?¡± she giggled. ¡°You might be.¡± I joked knowing she was pretty much all I ever journaled about these days. Anya just stood there and smiled at me. Her eyes locked in on mine. ¡°I want to lean over and kiss you sooo bad right now.¡± ¡°Maybe one day.¡± I said as I smiled back at her. ¡°I¡¯m glad we could be open with each other about the things we enjoy. It¡¯s nice. I¡¯m glad we can be honest with each other.¡± ¡°If we aren¡¯t honest with each other¡­we don¡¯t stand a chance.¡± she said. Even though we ate together in a public restaurant, we kept it low key and gave each other a quick hug on the way to our cars. I left Luiggiano¡¯s that day feeling closer to her, and it made me realize how much I cared about her and how badly I wanted this to work out for both of us. After today, I knew the road ahead was going to be difficult because I could feel so much for her already and based on my heart¡¯s history that was never a good thing. I could play it cool all I wanted to but after today I felt something stronger than I had felt for anyone before because it was clear we both enjoyed each other¡¯s company and would learn more about each other every day hereafter. When I returned to the apartment my high crashed slowly down and I suddenly felt sad as I¡¯d have to say it was the first time I truly missed her¡­I mean really missed her. A couple of hours later though, my feelings were validated. 6:35 p.m. ¡°I¡¯ve been thinking about you. Text me anytime. I¡¯ll miss you.¡± Anya had taken the thoughts right out of my head but was too fearful to initiate my feelings. Although a coward, I was doing her wrong by being one. As I looked around my quiet apartment, I realized I needed some time to spend with her out of public places. I wanted to tell her how I felt and I wanted to see her eyes when I told her. I knew these feelings were only going to grow and I needed to know, as history had shown me, if I needed to nip them in the bud. She was beginning to consume my thoughts, but the truth was I wanted her to devour them. At the same time though I needed more validation and I felt if I could get her alone it would provide me with an opportunity to lay it all on the line before it was too late. No letters. No texts. Just us. That night I had a hard time sleeping as I feared I was going to lose her, but I needed to invite her to my apartment so if she saw something she didn¡¯t like, at least I would be able to recover a lot sooner than I did when Denise left me. I just didn¡¯t know when I would be brave enough to ask her and ready enough to lose her. When Anya texted me in the morning, like she usually did, I told her I had a rough night sleeping without letting her know what was on my mind. 10:03 a.m.

¡°Oh my God! I did the same thing! I woke up at 1 am and couldn¡¯t go back to sleep till 3 am! I have the company x-mas party tonight too. Going to be a long day.¡±

Too chicken to find out why she had a hard time sleeping as well; I wished her a good day. Later that evening however, she text me again which gave me another chance to ask her if she would like to come by.

5:23 p.m.

¡°Still at the company x-mas party. I have another party at 6 pm tonight. Honey I¡¯m tired, I wish I could stop. Hope your day went well¡± A

But I chickened out again. The next day she again communicated to me her schedule which consisted of two other social events she had to attend. I sent her a text message to let her know I was thinking about her and to try and enjoy herself at the events instead of stressing out over them. I then told her she was in my journal last night to let her know she was on my mind. 10:14 a.m. ¡°Thanks for the smile. You make me melt. Yes, I¡¯m extremely busy but I can handle it. As far as your journal goes I think it is the sweetest act.¡± A As I chickened out yet again, I tried to make myself feel better by reasoning I¡¯d ask her when and if I saw a text from her followed by an ¡°Lv¡± otherwise I¡¯ll just sit on these good feelings until I can¡¯t sit on them any longer, but that night however she gave me an opening when she sent me another text. 9:07 p.m.

¡°Goodnight¡­I love rainy nights.¡±

I was a person who disliked the rain for so many reasons. I hated to drive when it was raining as it seemed people lost their minds when they saw a drop of water fall out of the sky here in sunny California. I hated getting my clothes wet because I never expected it to rain plus I loved the summer, sun and the beach. I never looked at the rain as anything worthwhile or something to enjoy, but Anya put rain showers in a different context for me as I saw the soothing healing part of nature in it for the first time. 9:19 p.m.

¡°Am I in your journal tonight?¡±

¡°You¡¯re always in my journal these days.¡± I texted her back as I was now writing more to deal with the feelings I had for her. 9:24 p.m.

¡°I love it!¡±

9:32 p.m.

¡°Hard to believe you¡¯re for real.¡±

When I received this text I thought of Denise. I thought of all the times I opened doors for her and how she believed I couldn¡¯t be real either. I felt Anya was beginning to feel the same way Denise did and I was not going down that same high speed portal. With her next text though, I knew the time to ask her was upon me. 9:41 p.m.

¡°If you only knew my thoughts¡­¡±

¡°I have a lot on my mind too. It would be nice to find some place where we could talk in private.¡± I texted back.

10:07 p.m.

¡°Ok, where would you like to meet next time? You pick.¡±

¡°I was hoping maybe you would like to come to my apartment? We can play a board game if you want to and talk?¡± I finally asked through a text message.

10:39 p.m.

¡°Can I think about it?¡±

I told Anya she could of course, but her answer led me to think of a friend who every time he¡¯d ask me to do something I would tell him ¡°I¡¯ll think about it.¡± Over time he noticed whenever I said that to him, that it was the same as telling him ¡°no¡±. I could say with absolute certainty when I saw Anya¡¯s text I knew exactly how he felt. I didn¡¯t need to wait for Anya¡¯s answer because I knew it would be the same as it had always been with women¡­¡±Thanks but no thanks.¡± I needed to know where I stood though and so it was a risk I needed to take. At least now I could stop living a life steeped in delusions of grandeur if I had to. I reasoned if I had anything left at all with her, I still had Dread Zeppelin tonight to look forward to, but my demise started innocently enough the next day with a text at around eleven a.m. 11:02 a.m.

¡°Hey L, I don¡¯t think I¡¯ll make it to Dread Zeppelin tonight.¡± Lv, A

I had really looked forward to seeing Anya at the show, but I also knew this is the way it usually went in my life. Sure, I was hurt but I expected it now. The ¡°Lv,¡± just softened the blow a little as I¡¯m sure she felt bad which was more caring than Denise had been. All I needed was one more rejection and I would be on my way. The way it had always been for me. The way Denise saw things in me. It was only a matter of time until reality would find me, but fate never allowed it to. 3:42 p.m. ¡°I would love to.¡± A CHAPTER 2 ~ BEING AURELIUS ¡°I would myself far rather suffer woe.¡± ~ Geoffrey Chaucer 8:37 p.m. ¡°Naturally, I was nervous about going to your place but I really want to talk to you in private as well. Sweet dreams tonight and I¡¯ll catch you tomorrow.¡± Lv, A We scheduled the day to meet at my place for January fifth, the first time we chose to see each other in two thousand and eight after the chaos of the parties, dinners and meetings were done. We simply needed to talk in private. I really had a lot of things on my mind. Things I needed her to know. Things I needed to know. Everything she thought about and was willing enough to share. I truly did have some board games at my apartment and as corny as it sounds, I always dreamt of playing one with a love interest, preferably over a few drinks. Although I must say, board games were more fun in my teens when I had a ton of free time as it¡¯s much harder now to substantiate wasting three to five hours playing a game like Monopoly unless it¡¯s with someone special. I just really wanted to sit down, and share our thoughts and feelings in a more relaxed setting and I thought playing a board game would lighten the atmosphere. It was just four days from Christmas, a time of year I usually enjoyed but found more delightful with Anya in my life as the lights seemed more brilliant, the cold weather more tolerable, and even the crowds of people I usually detested were more pleasant. Yet even though there was temerity in my spirit, I was still afraid to admit to Anya that I was in love with her even though it was entirely true, and I felt mostly safe doing so. Although I remained egoless, I had become a prideful man since Denise left me, and had now constructed a staunch defense system which did not allow me to jump the gun too soon or worse yet, to hope. I assumed I would be alone for the rest of my life before I met Anya as I felt if I was meant to be with anyone it would have happened a long time ago, and as much as I wouldn¡¯t admit it because of my internal shield, I knew at the very least I did love her, and it was due to the simple fact (and not because I was greatly attracted to her) that I was actually proud to be Landyn Lastman, for the first time in my life. She inspired me to think of things I never thought possible. Words I never thought I could string together. Emotions I never knew existed let alone be brave enough to show even as I hung off a ledge with both legs dangling miles above an unknown entity below me, an abyss I was not ready to fall in just yet. There were so many things I wanted to tell her. I wanted her to know how I truly felt about her, but I needed a private forum. I needed to know if she truly felt the same way. I felt an isolated setting would initiate the goodwill between us, and even the badwill if there was any. All I wanted was brutal honesty from her, even if she had to rip my heart out and stomp on it, I wanted the good, the bad, and the hideous. I¡¯d hope no matter what we could always remain friends because if she was brave enough to be brutally honest with me, I knew she respected me enough so I could pursue other options in my life if I had to. The truth was simply this; I didn¡¯t have to date a married woman. In fact, I never would have considered it up to this point in my life, and even though it¡¯s not easy to meet quality people when you¡¯re thirty-seven and single for any gender, I still didn¡¯t need to date a married woman. I enjoyed my nights at Paseo¡¯s even with Mitch, but I knew without a doubt, meeting Anya was a Halley¡¯s Comet event, and although I tried to run from it, the shooting star found me a second time, and I had to pay attention to the constellation she was. For me to turn my back on her a second time, I felt I¡¯d be betraying destiny and all I ever stood for. I felt I would lose all I ever embodied, all I ever was and believed in if I didn¡¯t give her a chance. Anya gave me a purpose in this life, a purpose painted far beyond my sight, but tattooed within my soul. It had only been a span of three weeks, but I subconsciously knew she was the one, regardless of the diamond ring she wore, the first night we met. The situation imperfect yes, but the connection--perfect. I had planned to go over my parent¡¯s house on the evening of December twenty-first. I knew my mom was starting her first batch of the chocolate chip cookies and green flavored corn flake holly leaves she made every year. On my way out the door though, I received a text from Anya. 5:40 p.m. ¡°Been thinking about whether to tell you or not about my B-day. Mostly because I¡¯m in denial about turning 40. I¡¯m going out with 11 of my girlfriends tonight. I just thought I¡¯d let you know what I¡¯ve been going through.¡± ¡°That sounds like fun! When is your birthday?¡± I texted back. 5:42 p.m. ¡°12-31.¡± ¡°That¡¯s a pretty cool date to have a birthday on. You¡¯re usually partying anyways so it makes it more fun!¡± I responded. 5:45 p.m.

¡°I don¡¯t like my birthday. Especially now that I¡¯m turning 40.¡±

¡°What? You don¡¯t like your birthday? Sweetheart¡­forty is the new thirty!¡± I texted. 5:48 p.m.

¡°That doesn¡¯t scare you away?¡±

¡°Scare me away? What are you smoking over there? Of course not! Age is only a number besides you don¡¯t look a day over forty. I couldn¡¯t believe it when you told me you were thirty-nine. You look great! Plus, just think it could be worse¡­it could be your fiftieth birthday! Just think about those poor people! They have to party with death! Just kidding! Even fifty isn¡¯t old nowadays. I bet you will look just as beautiful at fifty as you do at forty. I think you should pretend it¡¯s really your fiftieth birthday but you found a time machine to reverse time and celebrate your fortieth instead. How¡¯s that?¡± Texting her back as fast as my fingers allowed. 5:52 p.m.

¡°Haha! You¡¯re too much! Thanks for cheering me up. Well, I guess I better start getting ready. I miss you.¡±

¡°Have a great time! I miss you too.¡± I textsponded. After this exchange I was bummed out. Here the married woman was going out with eleven of her girlfriends and the single guy was heading over to his parent¡¯s house to eat chocolate chip cookies and holly leaves. What is wrong with that portrait? At the same time though, I was happy for her. It was her fortieth birthday and I wasn¡¯t able to celebrate it with her anyway. I wasn¡¯t going to ruin her fun by telling her I was bummed I couldn¡¯t be there but at the same time, I took solace in the belief she wished I could be there too. 6:45 p.m.

¡°On my way to my first destination with 11 crazy and loud girls. I wish you were here.¡±

As bad as I wanted to taste my mother¡¯s freshly made chocolate chip cookies and holly leaves, two things I had to wait a year for, this text inspired me to stay at home for the evening in anticipation of the possibility of hearing from her again, and being able to respond without any distractions around me. Sure enough, she didn¡¯t disappoint me. 10:41 p.m.

¡°Still out. Just wanted to say goodnight.¡±

After I received this text I feared that maybe she sensed I was disappointed I couldn¡¯t be there with her. I really was, but after Denise I never wanted a woman to know if I was down as I felt it was more important to be supportive and not portray myself as the jealous or selfish type regardless of my past trust issues. Tonight wasn¡¯t about me, it was about Anya, and even though it was a little tough, at the same time, I truly wanted her to have a great time and not think about me. ¡°Are you having a good time? I hope so!¡± I texted. 11:00 p.m.

¡°I am sweetie! We are just leaving Spago to go dancing! I miss you sooo much! We¡¯re taking lots of pics!¡± Lv, me

She took the words right out of my mouth. To say I missed her would be an understatement. I knew how beautiful she looked every time we had met. It was hard on my heart knowing how badly I wanted to see how beautiful she looked on this night, but knowing I would only be able to see her in pictures. Pictures were good, but the feeling she gave me every time I laid my eyes on her in person was pure euphoria, as if I was on opiates. Even though I missed her, I knew I was inside her heart, so I wished her a goodnight, and decided to sleep off my longing. The next day was her Bocelli concert and she texted me during the show as well. With every ¡°I miss you¡±, and ¡°I wish you were here¡± text, it added to my safety level, and whether she meant it or not, which was impossible to ascertain anyway, I chose to trust that she did, and at that very moment, the first time in a long time I had put my trust in anyone, I knew I was on my way to a full recovery from the distrust of my past. As the day before Christmas fell upon us, I realized I never had asked Anya about her religious affiliation mostly because I didn¡¯t really care if she had one, and I didn¡¯t want to ruin everything with my agnostic stance, even though I must admit, I would had probably joined Christianity if Anya was Christian. On the twenty-fourth of December though, my questions were subtly answered¡­ 8:10 a.m. ¡°Have a happy Christmas Eve. I will be gone all day and night. Taking the kids to Disneyland. Looking forward to the 5th!¡± Lv, me And then again on Christmas Day. 5:57 p.m. ¡°Missed you all day¡­Wishing you a very merry x-mas!¡± 10:19 p.m. ¡°Goodnight, hope Santa brings you everything you wished for!¡± Lv, me. Growing up all I wanted were things that I could see and touch for Christmas. This was the first Christmas though I felt something more than just the holiday spirit. My parents always made Christmas a special time for me as my mother went out of her way to makes sure I got the things I wanted, but the thing Anya gave me was something money could never buy. A thing no one could physically see and touch, but could only feel from within. In what was soon to be thirty-eight years on the planet, I had never felt needed or wanted by anyone. Every day I walked through life as if I was already dead, like a ghost, and I lost faith I would ever experience what love felt like. When I say love, I mean a true love, not just an obligatory love, but a real love. It was something I had always wished for in life, not just on Christmas, and as imperfect as the love I received was to the outside world, it felt perfect to me as it was more I could ever ask for as Anya was truly more than everything I ever wanted in someone. She was simply inspiring to me. She took very good care of herself; she ate well, which drove me to do the same. She was very sweet and attentive to me even when she wasn¡¯t physically with me, and when she was, the way she looked at me with her dreamy brown eyes before we kissed showed me, not simply told me, what I meant to her. I mean no one had ever looked at me that way, let alone before they kissed me. I could not only see how she felt, but also feel how she felt before our lips would even touch. Stolen content alert: this content belongs on Royal Road. Report any occurrences. I wanted my humble apartment to look as if she decorated it, as if she could live there. Nothing off the wall, but it had to make her feel comfortable as much as a place that isn¡¯t her home could possibly be. I¡¯d get some candles and a nice picture for the living room to make the place feel warm. I would then grab a few red wines, a pinot, a cab and perhaps even a merlot. I¡¯d also grab something light for her to snack on like cheese and crackers, a veggies platter and even an assortment of fresh fruit in case she wanted that as well. As I delved into how I wanted my extremely humble apartment to look for a simple get together, I realized I cared too much to be able to do something I thought I could do; keep myself emotionally detached before we talked in private. I then began to wish I had met her when she was younger, but I quickly convinced myself she wouldn¡¯t have appreciated me if I had. Before I met Anya, I was okay with being alone; even though I was lonely I learned over time not to feel it. Now I felt an unsubtle longing, an almost suffocating loneliness when she departed, and I could not distinguish how unnatural and irrational it was as I just wanted the way she felt about me to be so deeply real. I greatly missed simply kissing her, and I never thought I could ever miss such a relationship¡¯s given than a kiss, but when our lips touched it was more romantic and passionate each and every time as we both seemed to realize the moment appeared with such a dire preciousness due to its temporary and fleeting nature that it left us with no choice but to cherish it. Her kiss alone simply made it impossible for me to deny to that I loved her. The last weekend of December was an especially tough one for me as I found myself missing her more and more with each passing day. It was quite apparent I was falling hard at an increasingly infinite speed. On the morning of December twenty-eighth, after she sent me a good morning text, I texted her to see what her weekend plans were before I made mine. 9:02 a.m. ¡°Business dinner tonight and neighbor party tomorrow night. Wish they were with you.¡± She told me business dinners were usually with her husband, and not once did I ever doubt they were just that. Trust was vital in our relationship and the one thing I trusted was the dislike for him that long existed before I was in her life. The bottom line was this as well, I was not in the financial position yet to have Anya leave to take care of her and her two kids. I felt fairly secure in Anya¡¯s feelings for me and I knew she had to put on a business face so her kids could feel safe as well. At the same time, even though I knew this relationship was about my heart, in the same breath it was not. It was not about me or even about her, but about us. I had to accept the time was not now for her to leave him no matter how hard it was to not want her here with me already. We both needed to concentrate on getting to know each other as well as possible before that decision was made, and I trusted her and knew very well just because of the stark differences between the women in my life before her, that if she fell in love with me, she would do the right thing and be with me. I was completely confident she would keep her promise to me and would not allow me to feel anything if she had any plans of staying put. I decided that evening while she was at her business dinner, to go out by myself to a bar called the ¡°Landmine¡± in Corona Del Mar. I just didn¡¯t want to stay home, go to Paseo¡¯s, or make the long drive to visit my parents. As I sat at the Landmine¡¯s elongated bar, all I could do was think about Anya and how beautiful she probably looked this evening, as I held a drink in one hand and my cell phone in the other. As I fell deeper in thought and as my brain cells began to succumb to the alcohol¡¯s melodies, I was suddenly awakened by a sweet voice and a light touch on my shoulder. ¡°Would you like to dance?¡± The girl who stood before me was a young blonde bombshell not older than twenty-five years of age. She wore a tight white dress over her slender frame and had the sexiest set of blue eyes and red lipstick laden lips I had ever seen. ¡°Ah¡­you know I¡¯m waiting for someone.¡± I said politely. ¡°but thank you.¡± ¡°Okay.¡± she said as she looked at me incredulously before she slowly walked away. I felt bad telling her no, in fact I felt awful, but I didn¡¯t think it was fair to dance with her without there being a chance for her to really have fun with me. I came to get out of the house, and not to meet anyone like every guy does at a bar. It was at that point I realized I had no business being there if I only had plans of being just like the barstool I sat upon, so I decided to finish my drink and then head back home early. Before I met Anya, I had performed a great many drunken dance moves with many brave women, but my relationship with Anya had to be about loyalty. It was what she needed the most from me, and I wanted her to have that in someone even when she wasn¡¯t around. In my lifetime, I¡¯ve seen a million women, and I¡¯ve known at least a thousand, but Anya was the kind of girl you remained loyal to even in your thoughts. She commanded that much respect from me if I was truly in this for her happiness which I was. After three weeks I had only tunnel vision for her even when she wasn¡¯t there, and that to me was a revelation because I never dreamt I could feel that strongly about someone. Suddenly, as if she could sense what had just happened inside the ¡°Landmine¡±, I received a text from her when I got inside my car. 9:28 p.m. ¡°Having fun?¡± I don¡¯t know why I told her. I just thought she would be okay with it, and I wanted to be honest with her to inspire the same from her, but when I mentioned I was at the Landmine and that a girl just asked me to dance so I decided to leave, I didn¡¯t hear from her for over an hour. It was odd for Anya not to quickly respond, and I immediately regretted telling her about the girl. 10:48 p.m. ¡°Still here. It was fine. We¡¯re at Rigatoni¡¯s, getting ready to leave. Miss you. Be safe.¡± A As sensitive as I was to Anya¡¯s trust issues, by telling her what I did, it seemed she assumed the worst. She knew how most guys were, and the one guy she trusted enough to marry had betrayed her so badly it destroyed her feelings for him. I knew I was a deeply loyal man, but Anya simply didn¡¯t. I had to earn her trust, and I had to be more aware and sensitive to her pain than I already was. Her reaction put more stress and an urgency on January fifth¡¯s meeting so I could show her she could trust me completely. I was not interested in anyone else but her. The next morning, like she did every morning and as reliable as the sunrise, Anya texted me. 7:13 a.m. ¡°Good morning! This is your wakeup call! Did you have fun last night? Sorry I couldn¡¯t really talk last night.¡± 7:30 a.m. ¡°Have a happy day! I miss you. I don¡¯t ever want to go this long without seeing you!¡± Her last statement told me she missed me as bad as I missed her. It was hard last night knowing she was out, but I could sense it was just as bad for her as well. We both got through the weekend though, the first one that really made me wish we could be together now, but time was on our side, and more patience was needed. The day before New Year¡¯s Eve two thousand seven had a different feel from the others that preceded it. A night I had always gone out on, but always wished I could be at home sharing it with someone. Sure, I¡¯d go out, and my body would be somewhere, but my heart was where she was. This year felt a little different as my thoughts were with Anya on her birthday. I never wondered how her New Year ¡¯s Eve slash birthday parties were, all I could do was wish I could be with her to celebrate, but even though now wasn¡¯t the time, I had someone now and the new year had more promise than any new year in the past. 5:23 p.m. ¡°Just thinking of you¡­¡± A And I guess apparently, her heart was where I was too. 5:25 p.m. ¡°At the movies with my son. Thought of you.¡± ¡°I miss having your head on my shoulder and your hand in mine.¡± I responded via text. 5:28 p.m. ¡°You¡¯re so sweet! Can¡¯t wait to kiss you again!!!¡± ¡°You and me both!!! I had a hard time on Friday night. I don¡¯t know why. I just did.¡± I admitted. 5:33 p.m. ¡°I don¡¯t know what to say. I had a hard time on Friday also. It is crazy! I don¡¯t know how this is possible considering how many times we¡¯ve seen each other. My feelings are so overwhelming at times. Emotions are too strong. I would be lying if I said I wasn¡¯t scared. I guess we should save it for the 5th.¡± Save it for the fifth took on a whole new rich identity of its own. I immediately thought of Lexi when I received this text and her whirlwind of emotions, and even though this put me on guard, I also felt a sense of safety. Like a cool breeze on a hot muggy day, it was refreshing to know someone felt the same way I did about them, and she made me feel this way often. If doubt began to creep in, I would get an ¡°I miss you¡± or ¡°Thinking of you¡± text out of the blue. I learned everyday love was as important to her as it was to me, as it felt like we had both emerged from our cocoons at the same exact time, and we were just getting accustomed to the beauty we saw in our new wings. Late that evening I received a call from Mitch Black who wanted to hang out on New Year¡¯s Eve. I had originally planned to just stay home or go to my parents, but I also didn¡¯t want Mitch to find out I was seeing Anya for a month now after he had been so vocal against me dating her so I feared he may suspect something was going on if I didn¡¯t meet up with him especially on New Year''s Eve. I had no idea we would reconnect and I believed the less Mitch suspected, the better off Anya and I both were. ¡°What are you doing for New Year¡¯s eve Bro?¡± he asked. ¡°I was planning on staying in...¡± ¡°Staying in? When did you turn fifty man?¡± ¡°It¡¯s just the beginning of a new year. I don¡¯t think we need any reminders of that.¡± ¡°Dude, you have to come with me. Alice is going to be there with all her friends.¡± ¡°Alicia.¡± ¡°Alicia?¡± ¡°That¡¯s her name¡­ Alicia.¡± ¡°Yeah¡­well she¡¯s gonna be there too.¡± ¡°What happened to you and the blind girl?¡± ¡°What do you think happened?¡± ¡°I don¡¯t know. You tell me. I¡¯m in the dark here. No pun intended.¡± ¡°What always happens Landyn? I came in through the front door and left through the back.¡± ¡°A true gentleman.¡± ¡°Screw em¡¯ then leave em¡¯. No emotions involved. Nobody gets hurt.¡± ¡°Only she does. Good point. So¡­where you goin¡¯ on New Year¡¯s?¡± I ask to change the topic. ¡°Paseos man! Where else would Alice and Alicia be?¡± ¡°I¡¯ll try to meet you out there.¡± I said. ¡°No¡­you will meet me out there and you will be getting laid this weekend. I¡¯m tired of your piss poor excuses loverboy. What has your quest for love gotten you? Where has your quest for love taken you? Loner town when you should be goin¡¯ to funky town.¡± ¡°I prefer the sights and sounds of loner town thank you very much.¡± ¡°Stop being a loser.¡± ¡°I¡¯ll try to be there.¡± I said without a commitment. ¡°Oh you will be there. A lot of wood to be chopped tomorrow night! Late!¡± As Mitch got off the phone, I felt a great sense of relief. I wanted to go out and do something so I didn¡¯t feel depressed but at the same time I was comfortable with just staying home. Anya held my heart and I would feel out of place anyway. Everyone would be there to have fun and all I would do is go to Paseo¡¯s just so I could feel close to Anya, the place we met. I stayed up until midnight that evening, and at the very minute the time determined the day was December thirty-first, I texted Anya. ¡°I just wanted to wish you a very Happy Birthday! I hope you have a great time at your party and an even better day. Anya, please enjoy today and don¡¯t wish time, especially moments like your fortieth birthday away. It¡¯s a blessing.¡± Lv, L 5:08 a.m. ¡°Thank you! You are so sweet! This is your wake-up call! Have a great morning!¡± Lv, A I thought it was important to try and be the first to wish her a happy birthday as it seemed the day she was born was a big day for me as well. As much as I wished I could be there with her at the party, I understood that was an impossibility and we were just getting to know and trust each other. I felt the day would eventually come when I could kiss and wish her a happy birthday and a happy new year in person. I never wanted to initiate texts because I wanted her to run the show in the relationship, but her birthday was an exception. I thought it was important for her to know her age was a non-factor. Life was something she should enjoy, because when her fiftieth birthday rolls around she would find herself wishing she was celebrating her fortieth again. To wish time away, and even moments, like a fortieth birthday, is one of the saddest things imaginable in life. I hoped what I told her had made a difference in her day, and made it at least a little bit better. 4:58 p.m. ¡°Whatever you do tonight be careful! Lots of crazies out tonight! Still touched by the thoughtful text at midnight from you! I love that about you, always thoughtful. Getting ready for my final night as a 39 year old. Had a great day, and now getting ready for party at 6.¡± Lv, A As much as I should have gotten out of the house on that new year¡¯s eve, if not to meet Mitch at Paseos, to at least visit my parents, I wasn¡¯t much in the mood to. It was the first time I felt a loud schism between my cold lonely apartment and Anya¡¯s warm social family life. I didn¡¯t ask for details about her party since I didn¡¯t feel it was appropriate, so I imagined them instead. The only thing missing in the stillness of my room that evening was the music of Madame Butterfly. I couldn¡¯t sleep a wink as I imagined the scene around her. The hugs. The kisses. The gifts. The music. The love she was surrounded by versus the four quiet dull empty white painted walls that surrounded me. All I could do was lie in my bed while I stared up into a plain ceiling, unable to see past it but knowing Anya and I were under the same moon regardless of how lonely I felt as I imagined the stars were lined up to spell January 5th in the heavens. My thoughts then led me to think of Dorigen in Chaucer¡¯s ¡°The Canterbury Tales¡±, the Franklin¡¯s Tale in particular. How she feared her husband, a knight, who was out to sea, would be killed by the rocks on his long awaited return back to her. I had to be as noble as Aurelius, the squire, who was promised by Dorigen that he would have her love if he made the rocks vanish off the coast of Britanny. With a wizard¡¯s help he made the rocks disappear, and he returned to her so she could fulfill her promise to him, however in the end, Aurelius had a change of heart when he learned of her happiness upon the safe return of her husband. Like Aurelius, I was a squire by today¡¯s standards but that didn¡¯t preclude a knight¡¯s honor from residing within me. Even though the story was different from Anya¡¯s and mine, I had to be just as noble as Aurelius was. I had to take the pain like a wounded soldier, and believe it was only temporary. Her happiness truly meant more to me than my own, and was why I made the conscious choice to be in her life in the first place. 10:24 a.m. ¡°Hey L, Happy 2008! Missed you last night. Did you have fun?¡± When I received this text from her, I told her I went out and had a couple of drinks but came home early. I didn¡¯t want to be dishonest with her, but I didn¡¯t want her to feel bad about having fun on her birthday while I stayed home missing her all night. 10:45 a.m. ¡°No way! You only had two drinks! The party was fun. I didn¡¯t drink much either. I just thought about you all night and of course at midnight! Know that you¡¯re always with me and my thoughts. When it gets hard I just think about the 5th. Hard to believe I¡¯ll see you in a few days.¡± I had to be honest about my feelings but not too honest--she couldn''t know I stayed home, and New Year¡¯s Eve was the loneliest night of my life. I had to be noble, and she would not choose happiness if I told her I was hurting. It was way too soon for her to leave anyway, but the strong feelings I had were unexpected--regardless of how much I dreamt of being in love for most of my life. To be honest, I was just happy to hear from her. The next morning, the unexpected suddenly became more of a reality, and the strong feelings I felt inside and the safety of them were now on the verge of a complete catastrophe. 5:13 a.m. ¡°Hi, at the gym. Hope you don¡¯t have your phone on, don¡¯t want to wake you up. I¡¯m sorry I didn¡¯t answer till now. Had a rough night, will explain later.¡± ¡°Ok. How¡¯s your ankle feeling?¡± I responded. 7:28 a.m. ¡°Ankle feels ok. I ran 8 but had to ice after. You¡¯re always so thoughtful. Yeah my night was interesting. He said I¡¯ve been elusive and preoccupied. Landyn, I¡¯m sorry but I¡¯m afraid I won¡¯t be able to see you on the 5th.¡± CHAPTER 3 ~ LV ¡°It¡¯s hard not to fall. When you float like a cannonball." ~ ¡°Cannonball¡± Damien Rice I didn¡¯t know what to say. What could I say? Elusive and preoccupied? I guess a seasoned cheater like her husband would know the all the signs! I knew she text me throughout the day, and during the holidays, but it didn¡¯t appear often enough to draw any suspicion, and she never contacted me at strange times; always early in the morning and at night before she went to bed. I didn¡¯t want to push her to do something she wasn¡¯t comfortable doing regardless of how much it stopped my heartbeat. I was curious though to know exactly what she was doing that would lead him to make such a comment as I felt her purposely avoiding him might spur his curiosity. 10:48 a.m. ¡°I don¡¯t think I¡®ve been distant. I¡¯ve always been independent. Anyway, I don¡¯t want to take up anymore of your work time baby. Thanks for taking the time to text me. I¡¯m fine. I hope you¡¯re ok with all this. Always thinking about you¡± Lv, me. The fifth of January got me through the hard New Year¡¯s Eve night, and now it seemed like every night from now on would feel like New Year¡¯s Eve. As much heartache this caused me I refused to push her. She had to live there, I didn¡¯t. She had to face him without me, day in and day out, not to mention she worked for him and was on his payroll. As much as it pained me inside, it was too much to ask of her. Over the next few days, we talked very sparingly. By the time January fourth arrived, I got a bad sore throat and I started to get the chills, seemingly coming down with a severe cold or flu. Anya never mentioned anything about the fifth so I didn¡¯t push the issue. Now that I was sick, it ended up being a good thing even as bad as I hoped to see her. On that fifth day of January, Anya text me in the morning. 8:37 a.m. ¡°Happy 5th baby! I went to an opening of a restaurant (friend¡¯s) in Newport Beach last night. What time should I come by this evening?¡± I had to do a double take. She was coming now? I was ecstatic but realized I couldn¡¯t be because I was really under the weather as I felt hardly functional. Additionally, she had kids at home and I had to put them and their mother before myself. In the middle of my return text to her, another thought crossed my mind; how much she put into making her visit happen. No doubt she had to pull some strings to make this visit possible. I feared she might think I was making it up and it would upset her. I didn¡¯t know how to handle this dilemma even as I was handling it. ME: ¡°Hi Sweetheart. I thought you weren¡¯t coming so I never mentioned I caught a cold yesterday. I don¡¯t want you to think I am cancelling on you but as bad as I want to see you I¡¯m afraid I¡¯m going to get you sick if you come over. I think it would be a good idea if we reschedule. I hope you understand. ¡± ANYA: ¡°K. I can understand if you¡¯re not okay with all of this. I would understand if you met someone else.¡± The low self-esteem I had built over the years never allowed me to even remotely consider she may have thought I was interested in someone else now. Her statement hit me like a meteor, as it made me realize how much I had to learn to see things through her eyes, even things that would require me to learn a foreign language like words and thoughts of high self-esteem. I had never met a woman who required me to think of myself as a superior catch but compared to her husband and what was most important to her now at this point in her life--I truly was, and I had to be that even if I felt inadequate. From this point on I made the conscious choice to consider her own fears before my own. A huge shift in my mental make-up, but it immensely highlighted, even under the circumstances, that we were both a good thing for each other. ME: ¡°Sweetheart, there is no one else. There could be no one else. Honest to God I caught a cold and am thinking about you. In fact, I didn¡¯t even want to mention it to you because I want to see you so bad but I would feel awful if you got sick and I never gave you the choice. I hope you know I would love to see you. It¡¯s up to you.¡± ANYA: ¡°I really miss you. It¡¯s been really hard. I¡¯ll be fine. I promise. ¡± ME: ¡°Are you sure? I don¡¯t want to get you sick. As badly as I want to see you I don¡¯t want you to get this.¡± ANYA: ¡°I don¡¯t mind catching your cooties.¡± ME: ¡°OK, my cooties are all yours. What time is a good time for you to come by?¡± ANYA: ¡°Is 7:30 a good time?¡± ME: ¡°7:30 is perfect. I¡¯ll see you then!¡± ANYA: ¡°Thank you! Can¡¯t wait!¡± ME: ¡°Can¡¯t wait to see you too! Thank you!¡± And just like that, the fifth of January was back on, surprisingly. I felt better than I did the previous day but was still under the weather, and even though I believed the worst of my cold was over, I still didn¡¯t want to have her come over, not have her know about how I felt, and have her get sick and be incapacitated at home because of it. Like she told me at Luigianno¡¯s that afternoon, if we weren¡¯t honest with each other, we didn¡¯t stand a chance. I thought her visit would inspire honesty between us with no holds barred, and to see where we stood and how to get there. Regardless of my malady, I was on a mission as I had the late morning and early afternoon to get my modest apartment to look like a place she could call home. I bought a piece of simple artwork, a painting consisting of a short narrow dock and a warm light pink sunset beyond it which I placed in my living room. I bought several candle sets and set those up on my coffee table and along the living room wall and hallway. I even went as far as to buy a few pillows for my couch to go with the comfy and warm theme. I also purchased a wooden bowl to sit on my kitchen counter top and filled it with fresh apples, tangerines and peaches. I then strategically placed three board games, Monopoly, Trivial Pursuit and an electronic Wheel of Fortune Game that I wasn¡¯t sure even worked, on top my coffee table so she would feel more comfortable. I then got on my hands and knees to scrub out all the dust and dirt in my kitchen, bathroom and bedroom. I was a pretty clean guy anyway, not anal or even meticulous, but I felt things had to be in their proper place. I also didn¡¯t want to leave anything to chance with Anya if she decided to be like Denise and search for the bad in me so my place not only had to look warm but also immaculate, and by the time six ¡®o¡¯ clock rolled around, by the way the rooms smelled fresh and the furniture and floors shone, I was confident it was. I then decided to text Anya to see if she wanted something from Luiggianos for dinner as I also decided to invest in some new silverware, plates and bowls. She text me back to tell me she would like a salad so after I showered I headed over to Luigianno¡¯s which was only five minutes away from my place. When I returned home from Luigianno¡¯s with our salads, I sat them up on my kitchen countertop and complemented them with two wine glasses. I then uncorked the bottle of Cabernet I picked up earlier, the same cabernet we ordered at the Pacific Grill the first time we met outside of Paseo¡¯s. As I sat on my couch afterwards, ten minutes away from seeing her lovely face, I let the peace of the moment sink in as I sadly realized she would be the first woman to ever set foot in my apartment. This was a big step for me; a huge leap of faith, to open up my home to someone after my disappointments in the past. I knew my place had to be perfect for Anya because my luck had been anything but, and even though I was still a bit weary of my past, I was also confident this time was different--far different. Then, as if on cue and without a second to spare past seven-thirty, I heard my phone¡¯s short precise text tone, which alone elicited a feeling of happiness within me because I knew it was her when I heard it, and when I saw the red light pulsating it inspired my heart to do the same. 7:30 p.m. ¡°Here!¡± It was startling to recognize how a single one word text meant so much to me. I then quickly text her back to tell her I would be right down to open the gate for her. A long winding walk through most of my apartment complex awaited me as I began my jaunt to greet her. It was usually a very colorful route along a cleanly paved pathway surrounded by throngs of various flowers and healthy green grass, but it was dark at seventy-thirty in California on a January evening as the night stole the picturesque splendor from us. The night air was crisp though, as a bright full moon appeared to aid the small lights along the path that helped guide me to my destination. Just before I reached the entrance to my complex I could see a shadowy figure as it stood there patiently, and when I reached the gate like door, I saw this same figure as it stood with its back to me. When I said her name after I opened the gate, she turned quickly around to face me and when I saw her warm vibrant smile I felt completely disconnected from the mundane world I belonged to just mere seconds ago. As I smiled warmly back and closed the entry door behind her I couldn¡¯t help but take an appreciation in how her straight dark hair laid exquisitely upon her bare shoulders and how nice she looked in her purple blouse she complemented finely with a pair of white pants. Before I could compliment her on the attire she chose, she fell gently into my arms, held me tightly and buried her head into my shoulder. After a fifteen second embrace she grabbed my hand and held it tightly. ¡°I¡¯m so happy to see you.¡± she said excitedly. ¡°I¡¯m really happy to see you too.¡± I said as I stared into her eyes meaning every single word of it. ¡°I¡¯m nervous.¡± she admitted. ¡°Nothing to be nervous about.¡± I reassured her. ¡°I promise.¡± She squeezed my hand tighter as we began to walk to my apartment. I then felt bad it was such a long walk for her from the entrance, but at the same time, I was thankful because I got to hold her hand through it all. As I walked with her through the labyrinth, I felt a need to make light of it. ¡°Just so you know, after we get to my apartment, you¡¯re going to have to find your way back to the gate because I assume you remember how to get here and back now.¡± ¡°Oh please don¡¯t do that to me. I¡¯ll never get out of here.¡± ¡°Haha! It¡¯s quite the maze isn¡¯t it? Actually I think the Minotaur is running around here somewhere.¡± ¡°I don¡¯t need to see a half man half bull right now!¡± ¡°Wow. I¡¯m impressed. You know Greek mythology?¡± ¡°Well, kinda, sorta.¡± she said. ¡°My son is studying it right now.¡± ¡°Ah! Makes sense.¡± I said. ¡°It¡¯s all Greek to me too. Kinda, sorta.¡± ¡°Greek Geek.¡± she said as she lightly punched my shoulder. ¡°That¡¯s me. Kind of Greeky.¡± I nervously joked. ¡°I mean¡­geeky.¡± As our nerves laced playful banter ensued, we finally reached my apartment which was on the second floor of a two floor building. When I opened the door and as she walked by me I got a pleasurable trace of her sweet perfume, and I immediately thought I had to know what it was, but once inside and after I had shut the door she reached into her purse and revealed a small gift paper bag. ¡°I burned you a few CD¡¯s¡­like I promised you I would.¡± she said as she handed me the bag. ¡°Thank you so much.¡± I said surprised by her thoughtfulness. I then reached inside the bag, and pulled out six compacts discs, each with its own cover and a large booklet that contained all the songs. It had been a long time someone had given me a gift of such meaning. I knew how busy her schedule was and I was touched that she thought about me enough to take the time out of her day to burn them for me. After I quickly glanced at the booklet, I looked up at her as she looked directly at me. ¡°Now you have all the songs I listen to mostly every day.¡± she said. ¡°It¡¯s a little part of me.¡± I felt awkward doing so because I didn¡¯t want her to feel uncomfortable or to think I was setting the tone of the evening this way, but I felt a need to kiss her and hold her as it was appropriate to do so finally in a private setting, and fortunately for me she felt the same way. ¡°I really do have a board game for us to play.¡± I said. ¡°I swear.¡± ¡°I¡¯ve never had a guy ask me out on a date to play a board game.¡± she informed me as she laughed. ¡°Well, I guess there¡¯s truly a first for everything.¡± ¡°I love your place Landyn.¡± she said as she looked around. ¡°It has a cozy feel and it smells really good.¡± If you come across this story on Amazon, it''s taken without permission from the author. Report it. ¡°Thanks.¡± I said. ¡°It¡¯s not always like this but I do try to keep it clean.¡± ¡°I¡¯m impressed.¡± she said. ¡°Just another reason to be in awe of you.¡± I¡¯m not one for compliments. In fact, I get really embarrassed by them and they make me feel uncomfortable. I attribute it to the way my father used to put me down and layered with my past failures with women. I just never felt good enough about myself to ever allow myself to trust its authenticity I always felt it was because people didn¡¯t know me well enough, and eventually as enough time passes they will see they were wrong to say something so nice about me. Whenever Anya complimented me however, and it was often, not once did it ever make me feel uncomfortable because it never felt obligatory or even contrived, but genuine as I found myself not only trusting them, but also appreciating them at the same time. I guess I was just happy to find someone who could see that part of me and trusted it was really me. I had our salads prepped in my new bowls and placed on top of a small bar attached to the other side of my kitchen countertop. My apartment was too small to have a dining room table, but I had comfy barstools to sit on. I looked at my presentation of our modest dinner and thought she may believe it was tacky as I didn¡¯t have quality cloth napkins, or even regular printed napkins but rather a neatly folded paper towel in which the silverware was placed upon. I also didn¡¯t know the proper placement of the silverware as I suddenly began to worry about etiquette which increased the fluterring of bat wings in my stomach. When she saw the salad neatly placed on the bar top, I expected her to be too kind to say anything besides thank you, but when she saw the arrangement her response caught me by surprise. ¡°This is the sweetest thing.¡± she said. ¡°I¡¯m really impressed with how you did this.¡± ¡°Well, you are the guest of honor.¡± I said as I pulled her bar stool away from the countertop so she could sit. ¡°I have to come clean but I¡¯ve never done this for anyone before.¡± ¡°How come?¡± ¡°Well, I¡¯ve never really had the chance to.¡± I said as I waited for her to sit. ¡°I¡¯m just glad you like it.¡± ¡°It¡¯s perfect.¡± she said. ¡°Just like you.¡± ¡°Well, you must be rubbing off on me then.¡± I said as she sat down. ¡°Oops¡­I almost forgot.¡± ¡°What?¡± When I saw our two thirsty but empty wine glasses I realized what I had forgotten. When I grabbed the already uncorked bottle, I feared, being the wine connoisseur she was, that she would believe the wine had been opened a long time ago so I decided to come clean one more time. ¡°Please forgive me Anya but I uncorked the bottle just before you got here.¡± I said. ¡°I didn¡¯t want you to see how poor of a wine aficionado I was. I bought the wine this afternoon. I didn¡¯t want to screw up the uncorking in front of you.¡± ¡°Our selection I see.¡± she said animatedly as she ignored a fear that did not matter to her. ¡°Yes.¡± I said as I poured her glass from the other side of the counter. ¡°Our Cab.¡± After I had poured my glass I walked back around to my seat. As I sat down, I looked over at her and we both grabbed our glasses in unison. ¡°To us.¡± she proclaimed. ¡°To us.¡± I said as I met her glass with mine. As we began to revel in our salads, I felt more bat wings fluterring around in my stomach as all the things I wanted to tell her suddenly became hard to say as they came upon me. At that very moment I had no clue how this night would end or where it would go. I just knew it was my job to end the silence and make the first woman I had ever brought to my apartment feel comfortable. The only woman I ever really felt the need to express my love for and that was all the inspiration I needed. ¡°Anya. Your name.¡± I said. ¡°I was wondering where it originated from. It¡¯s very unique.¡± ¡°Oh. You think so?¡± ¡°Yes.¡± ¡°Ha! Well, it¡¯s actually Russian.¡± ¡°Really? You look purely Asian though.¡± ¡°Of course I do silly. My mother is Korean. My father is Russian.¡± she explained. ¡°My name means gracious or bringing goodness.¡± ¡°It¡¯s a beautiful name.¡± ¡°Thank you.¡± she said. ¡°Now, Landyn is a name you don¡¯t hear often.¡± ¡°All I know is that it means long hill.¡± I said. ¡°Kind of appropriate if you ask me.¡± ¡°Ha! Why would you say that?¡± ¡°I don¡¯t know. It just seems my whole life has been a long uphill climb.¡± I said. ¡°Long story, but strangely the name fits like a glove. Actually more like a tourniquet.¡± ¡°Hmmm.¡± she said as she looked at me sideways. ¡°I gotta hear your uphill story.¡± ¡°I¡¯ll save it for another time. How¡¯s that?¡± I said. ¡°I think it will come out much better if I was completely hammered.¡± ¡°Much more fun that way?¡± she giggled. ¡°Definitely. Less for you to remember too.¡± I joked as I bumped her lightly with my right shoulder. ¡°I¡¯d tell you tonight but I¡¯m sure you have to go home soon.¡± ¡°Yeah¡­my daughter had a party so I dropped her off. I have to be back in town to pick her up at about ten.¡± ¡°It was okay to leave her there right?¡± I asked. ¡°Oh, she¡¯s at the age she doesn¡¯t want mom around. She¡¯ll be a teenager this year.¡± ¡°What are your kids like?¡± Upon my question, Anya placed her fork inside her salad bowl and used the paper towel to wipe her face. She kept her head down for about ten seconds in silence and I began to worry but then she spoke. ¡°I can¡¯t believe.¡± she said softly. ¡°What¡¯s wrong?¡± I asked concerned. ¡°Did I say something wrong? I¡¯m sorry if I did.¡± ¡°I can¡¯t believe you just asked me about my kids.¡± she said as she looked at me with watering eyes. ¡°Please forgive me. I didn¡¯t know I shouldn¡¯t have asked about them.¡± I said as I gently rubbed her back. ¡°I guess maybe that¡¯s not the right thing to ask you considering the situation.¡± ¡°Considering you¡¯re the kind of guy thoughtful enough to ask me about my kids?¡± she said with a sudden smile. ¡°I¡¯m not used to such questions.¡± ¡°Well, I¡¯d love to hear about your kids.¡± I said. ¡°I meant it when I said that your kids are a bonus because they¡¯re a part of you.¡± She then looked around my apartment and smiled. I guess to hide her tears and wipe them quickly away. ¡°Katie looks a lot like me.¡± she said. ¡°She¡¯s very smart though. A straight ¡®A¡¯ student. I don¡¯t think she got that from me.¡± ¡°Oh whatever.¡± I teased. ¡°I don¡¯t believe there¡¯s anything more important than a good education in this world. I¡¯m impressed.¡± ¡°She¡¯s also into dance.¡± she said. ¡°I¡¯ve had her in ballet since she was five but she¡¯s really taken her love for dance to a whole other level. She practices as much as four hours every weeknight. In fact, we have a trip to New York coming up this summer where she¡¯ll compete with other dancers.¡± ¡°She must be really good.¡± I said. ¡°Holy smokes. I just realized something.¡± ¡°What¡¯s that?¡± she asked. ¡°She¡¯s only twelve and has already accomplished more than I have in thirty-seven years.¡± ¡°Ha! I don¡¯t believe that but very sweet of you to say. I¡¯m very proud of her. She works really hard. She gets along with her brother and all of her friends. She¡¯s a good kid.¡± ¡°I can believe she¡¯s a good kid with you raising her. No surprise there.¡± I said. ¡°How about your son?¡± ¡°He¡¯s your typical ten year old boy. Loves sports. Thinks girls are yucky.¡± ¡°Yeah, that¡¯s pretty typical of boys his age.¡± I said as I laughed. ¡°How does he do in school?¡± ¡°Straight ¡®A¡¯s too.¡± she said. ¡°Really well. He¡¯s more analytical. Does well in Math. Loves it actually.¡± ¡°Sounds like you have two great kids there.¡± I said. ¡°What kind of sports does he play?¡± ¡°Mostly soccer and baseball. He¡¯s playing for the Dodgers this year. The recreation park Dodgers that is. He¡¯s really excited.¡± "The real Dodgers could probably use him these days." I joked. "I''m sure he''ll have a lot of fun. I loved playing baseball when I was younger." ¡°How do you feel about kids?¡± she asked abruptly. ¡°I love kids.¡± I confessed. ¡°I used to work at a Daycare for a few years. Coached the eighth grade boys basketball team. Helped run a KinderCare program. I enjoyed it very much. Miss it actually.¡± ¡°I don¡¯t want any more kids.¡± she blurted. ¡°How would you feel about that?¡± Her statement caught me off guard; I¡¯ve always wanted kids, and always dreamt of being a Father. More than anything I wanted to give my parents grandchildren, but was I willing to sacrifice a huge part of myself for this once in a lifetime love? I couldn¡¯t push Anya to have kids if she didn¡¯t want them. Maybe it was just because of the experience she had with her husband that made her not want them? I knew things would be different with me but how could she trust that after all she¡¯s been through with her husband? I then reasoned I was almost thirty-eight years old and maybe we were both too old to have them anyway, and it possibly wasn¡¯t in the stars for me to even have kids at all. As all these questions swirled around in my head, I knew this much was true. I loved Anya and I wanted her to be happy more than anything. Love was about sacrifice, and if that¡¯s what I had to lose then my life had already been written and was beyond my control. After I amassed these thoughts I then spoke. ¡°I love kids but I¡¯m almost thirty-eight now. I kind of gave up on that a couple of years ago.¡± I said. ¡°It¡¯s a non-issue with me.¡± ¡°Are you sure? I¡¯d understand.¡± ¡°Yes, I¡¯m certain.¡± I reiterated with the hope maybe down the road she might change her mind. ¡°Please know I don¡¯t want just an affair with you, and I¡¯m not in your life to fill a void in your marriage. I want a relationship with you otherwise I wouldn¡¯t be able to do this.¡± ¡°I want a relationship too.¡± she said. ¡°Do you ever wonder what my life is like at home?¡± ¡°All the time. It¡¯s hard not to.¡± I said surprised that Anya asked me before I could ask her. ¡°I live a very busy stress filled life.¡± she said. ¡°I¡¯m constantly on the go. I always have to be on.¡± ¡°I¡¯m sure it¡¯s not easy to raise children and help out with a business on top of that.¡± ¡°I mean, I do get a paycheck.¡± she said. ¡°It¡¯s not much but it does help.¡± I knew she was busy but I didn¡¯t realize how stressful her life truly was on top of knowing full well she received little help from her husband, and I found it utterly remarkable she was able to find time for me at all. I loved being a part of her life, but I also didn¡¯t want her to kill herself working us in. I knew where I stood, and where I had to stand; behind her kids, and behind her family life for the time being. In fact, I knew I would always be behind her kids and I wouldn¡¯t have wanted it any other way. I was really impressed with what she told me about her children and their ability to excel in school; how she put education as a prime importance in their lives. It brought me back to my parents and how hard it was for me to find out what I really wanted to do so I knew how important it was to get kids going in that direction early in their lives and I admired Anya and even her husband for that. If anything, I¡¯m sure it took kids attention away from the stresses of her marriage. I wanted to ask if they could tell if things were wrong at home but with all the activities they appeared to be consumed by, I thought it was a moot point. I was almost certain they had no real idea so I decided to leave it at that. However I was extremely curious about one other thing as I tried to shift away from such a sensitive subject. ¡°I have to ask you a question.¡± I said. ¡°I¡¯m curious about something.¡± ¡°What are you curious about?¡± ¡°You¡¯ll be honest with me? Right?¡± I said as I felt the alcohol begin to give me wings. ¡°Of course. I¡¯ll always be honest with you.¡± she stated. ¡°Okay I would like to know in your texts.¡± I paused. ¡°What the ¡°Lv¡± means.¡± ¡°You don¡¯t know?¡± she smiled. ¡°I¡¯m not sure.¡± ¡°It means I¡¯m falling in love with you.¡± she said. I didn¡¯t know what to say. I expected she was but at the same time, after so much belief had turned into disbelief in my life, I wasn¡¯t certain¡ªI just needed to hear it from her face to face. All I could do was gaze into her inviting dark eyes and smile as I savored the moment. ¡°Well¡­what are you thinking? Am I the only one here?¡± she asked. ¡°I think I¡¯m already there.¡± I responded. ¡°You¡¯re in love with me?¡± ¡°I think that¡¯s safe to say.¡± I said. ¡°Please don¡¯t use it against me.¡± ¡°Never.¡± ¡°Even though the circumstances aren¡¯t perfect right now, the heartfelt truth is this though, it¡¯s really impossible not to love you.¡± ¡°What do you think we should do about it?¡± ¡°Play a board game, drink some of our favorite wine and talk about it some more?¡± ¡°I don¡¯t wanna play a boardgame.¡± she said as she stood up from her seat. I then rose from mine, looked down into her eyes, pulled her firmly but gently into me and began to kiss her deeply and intensely. I then ran my hands through her hair and I could hear her moan the more the air was taken from us. She then pulled herself away from my embrace, quickly turned around and reached for my hand from behind her to lead me slowly down past the living room and through my hallway. When she reached my bedroom she stopped and turned to me. I then met her shift in movement with my arms as I skillfully opened the door with her still in them. I was on the verge of no control. Her scent. Her voice. Her feel. Everything collapsed my entire being into hers. As we entered my room, I picked her up to lay her gently on the bed, and I could tell she was a little surprised my bed was a few feet high. Once upon it we started to remove our clothing, and I tried to catch myself when she started to take off her white pants but I was in love, and I couldn¡¯t hold back as I wanted to see all of her. When I saw her beautiful bare body glowing in the moonlight of my room, I felt like I was caught in the undertow of a crashing wave, but for some reason, I was able to duck under it in time to come untouched on the other side, and as much as I loved what I saw and how much I wanted to feel all of it, I was concerned, but unfortunately, so was she. ¡°What¡¯s wrong?¡± she asked. ¡°Nothing sweetheart.¡± ¡°Do I not do it for you?¡± she asked, with a disappointed gaze. ¡°Not do it for me?¡± I laughed. ¡°You¡¯re the most beautiful woman I¡¯ve ever laid my eyes on.¡± ¡°What¡¯s wrong then?¡± ¡°Anya, I just don¡¯t want you to think this is something we have to do.¡± I stated. ¡°I¡¯m in love with you and it¡¯s not about¡­not about this. I want us to be more than this.¡± ¡°But I was told that you¡¯re not in love until you make it.¡± ¡°Who told you that?¡± ¡°Lance.¡± ¡°The romantic singer told you that?¡± ¡°Yes.¡± She replied with sincerity in her eyes. ¡°Aren¡¯t all men like that?¡± ¡°No. He¡¯s wrong.¡± I told her. ¡°I think this is a part of being in love, intimacy¡­but you¡¯re not in love until you make it isn¡¯t right. You have a lovely body Anya¡­ but I want your heart more.¡± ¡°You would still love me if I don¡¯t make love to you?¡± ¡°I''m not Lance or even your husband.¡± I stated, shaking my head and smiling before continuing. ¡°Of course, I would. It¡¯s a lot deeper for me than making it. I love you for who you are. I want this relationship to stand for something. Something you could be proud of, and if it¡¯s just going to be about sex, then you''ll never be proud of it, and you''d have the wrong guy.¡± ¡°Do you really feel that way?¡± ¡°I always have felt that way.¡± I revealed, putting my hand gently upon her face. ¡°I¡¯m in this for your love. Nothing more. Nothing less.¡± ¡°Landyn, there are a lot of things I haven¡¯t told you about my life.¡± ¡°Are they bad things?¡± I asked breathlessly by her sudden confession. ¡°No, they aren¡¯t bad things.¡± she said. ¡°Just things.¡± ¡°Okay.¡± I said a little concerned. ¡°Can you tell me one of the things?¡± ¡°Well, I went to Rome last summer on a family vacation with the kids.¡± ¡°You did did you?¡± I laughed. ¡°Families do those kinds of things?¡± ¡°Yes, they do.¡± she said. ¡°Just stuff like that.¡± ¡°I understand.¡± I said. ¡°I love you and¡­¡± she said softly. ¡°And I care a lot. More than you know.¡± After she spoke I kissed her softy on her lips. ¡°I feel the same way.¡± I said. ¡°Anya, I really missed you when you were away. I mean, I missed you a lot. I hope I can see you again soon.¡± ¡°December is the only really busy month for me. I¡¯m busy with the business affairs and the household but I will see you more this month. I want to see you more too.¡± ¡°I don¡¯t want to take you away from your children though, but I¡¯d like to see you a little more if you¡¯re available. I know I¡¯m way behind them. I know my place in your life. I accept that.¡± ¡°They are my everything.¡± ¡°Would you ever get remarried again?¡± ¡°I would.¡± ¡°I¡¯m sorry but my heart asked my mind to ask you that question.¡± I said. ¡°I think we have something beautiful going on here.¡± ¡°I think so too.¡± she said. ¡°I think there¡¯s a real chance for us.¡± My heart just needed some assurance from her. I know she was greatly attracted to me but love was something I had never truly had, and never been able to put any trust in. Even with Anya here in my arms, the first time I had ever shared my bed with someone, I still felt the need for reassurance. This situation was a tough one to trust because the only way I could was when she was here with me, and the only reason I really needed to know was because I had never felt so much for someone before. Anya in just a little over a month¡¯s time had made my heartbreak over Denise seem like a joke. So much so I realized, I had never known what love was until I met her, and it had such a grip on me, I had to face the worst case scenarios head-on because I had already fallen hard into the great abyss but there was so much more below me to fall in, as I knew this time around that falling in love with Anya would either be one of two things, the breath of life for me, or the death of life for me. After our talk, we held and kissed each other until it was time for her to leave. As I walked her out to the front gate, she told me a little about the CD¡¯s she burned for me. ¡°I burned you a song called Cannonball.¡± she said. ¡°It¡¯s my favorite song. It¡¯s on the playlist I included with the CD¡¯s.¡± ¡°Who sings it? Anyone I¡¯ve heard of?¡± ¡°Damien Rice.¡± she said. ¡°He has a terrific voice.¡± ¡°I look forward to hearing all the songs you burned for me but I¡¯m sure I will especially like that one since it¡¯s your favorite.¡± After I walked her to the car she gave me a long hug and a kiss good-bye with the promise she would visit again soon. When I got back inside my apartment I grabbed the playlist and found the CD which had the song Cannonball on it. I listened to the song but googled the lyrics so I could read them along with the music. The lyrics of the song were moving and I could see why the song resonated with her as over and over again I read the lyrics. ¡°Stones taught me to fly Love ¨C it taught me to lie Life ¨C it taught me to die So it¡¯s not hard to fall When you float like a cannonball.¡± The more I read them, the more my analytical mind began to churn as if to gaze upon all the stars in the night sky to wonder what constellation they each belonged to as I tried to figure out if there was something she was trying to tell me but lacked the strength to do so. CHAPTER 4 ~ ON THE PRECIPICE ¡°Steps taken forwards but sleepwalking back again, dragged by the force of some inner tide.¡± ~ ¡°The Division Bell¡± Pink Floyd 9:32 a.m. ¡°Good morning! Did you get some sleep? Woke up this morning wishing I was in your arms. Miss you sooo much. Thank you again for dinner and wine. I had a great time!¡± Through just a simple text, Anya seemed to always take the words out of my heart before they could find an exit through my mouth. I¡¯ve lived my entire life hoping one day someone could feel the same way I did for them. Even with all that dreaming, I never dreamt someone would feel the exact same way, and would be brave enough to express it before I had a chance to. I believed that kind of love existed for others just not for me, but here it was. Proud and near; Loud and clear. ME: ¡°Good morning! I slept well thanks to you. I woke up wishing you were in them. I miss you too. You¡¯re most welcome. I¡¯m glad you liked it and had a great time! I had a great time as well. Thank you for coming. I think we have a beautiful thing going on.¡± ANYA: ¡°It¡¯s scary but exciting! I didn¡¯t think I had it in me to feel this way. You felt so good last night!¡± ME: ¡°You felt good too and looked so beautiful last night. It was hard to see you leave.¡± ANYA: ¡°Thank you. I just teared up. Just not fair sometimes.¡± ME: ¡°What¡¯s your schedule like? Would love to see you again soon.¡± ANYA: ¡°I¡¯m open the 15th or the 18th.¡± ME: ¡°Sounds good to me! The 15th works best for me. It will give me some time to get over this cold I have and keep you from getting it! I really hope you don¡¯t come down with anything. Thank you again for the CD¡¯s. Very sweet of you.¡± ANYA: ¡°You¡¯re most welcome! The play list is eclectic! I get tired of them and change up my play list often. I¡¯m not worried about getting sick, worth it! The 15th it is!¡± I listened to the songs Anya had burned for me on my way to work. On my way home. At night when I wrote in my journal. In the morning before I got ready for work. The style of music was not something I had listened to in the past. In fact, I would have never admitted a fondness for it before I met her, but now her songs spoke the words my heart could never say as they provided a window into all the love I felt for her. I became engrossed in them because I wanted to live within the connection between us through them, and feel closer to her as if a part of her was with me even though she couldn¡¯t physically be. We made plans to meet up again on the fifteenth of January at my place, only a ten day wait this time around, which was more emotionally manageable. I just couldn¡¯t make this relationship about me; it had to be about her, and to wait an entire lifetime for a love like this, one I believed always existed even when I had given up on it, I¡¯d have to understand that much. Ten days, sure, it was tough not being able to see her but at least I knew I would. One of the things I enjoyed doing on Sunday nights was to go to a Barnes & Noble bookstore near my apartment complex. It was hardly a drive so I chose to walk usually unless it was raining. While I was at the bookstore on this particular evening, I received a text out of the blue from Anya asking what I was up to. When I told her I was at the bookstore, I was taken by her response. 7:32 p.m. ¡°Ha! Are you really at the bookstore? Do you read much? Just finished the Kite Runner. I¡¯m in a book club but haven¡¯t started Dec book yet, too busy. Next on our list is the Zookeeper¡¯s Wife and Long Walk to Freedom. Next meeting is in two weeks, will never finish. Oh well.¡± ME: ¡°I come here on Sunday nights just to de-stress before the busy work week. I usually end up with something. I read when I can. It helps me sleep at night, but if the book is good I could be up for several hours. I¡¯ve never thought of joining a book club, but my work hours pretty much don¡¯t allow me to meet up. ¡± ANYA: ¡°What type of genre do you like?¡± ME: ¡°Mostly fiction. I¡¯ll read non-fiction or autobiographies once in a while. I also read novel writing books, not that I plan on using any of that information anytime soon! Do you have any favorite authors?¡± ANYA: ¡°No, no particular authors. Just like music, I like to explore. I guess that¡¯s why I like the book club because it forces me to explore.¡± ME: ¡°Has your club read Life of Pi? I really liked that book.¡± ANYA: ¡°Yes, we did read that book last year, liked it as well. Catch you later!¡± It was always really nice to hear from her because it was unexpected, but she always found a way to do that. I felt disappointed that she cut the conversation off as quickly as she did though, but I also understood and I appreciated the fact she thought about me enough to see what I was doing because she seemed to always be on my mind now. The most surprising thing, for me, about truly being in love for the first time was how the mundane stopped feeling like the mundane; how work even stopped feeling like work. When you work in public accounting, the twelve to fifteen hour days along with the excess travel can really take its toll and wear you out in only a few years. There is high turnover in the profession because of it, but with Anya in my life, I felt like I had been given a second wind. Every day I was inspired because I knew my job was going to support Anya, I and her kids, and that was now my dream. I never obsessed about making partner and the million dollar a year payday that came with it, other than being driven to do well in my career, but now I simply began to appreciate the opportunity more because it was not just about me anymore, but about We as it allowed me to see I wasn¡¯t working for just myself, but for someone I loved and cared deeply about, and that alone made work more fun for me because I knew the money would provide her with happiness and all the things in life she truly deserved but never received. On Monday, just upon my arrival to work, the receptionist informed me Clyde wanted to see me in his office first thing. The partner promotion wasn¡¯t until next year so it never crossed my mind he would want to discuss that so I figured he only wanted to sit down and map out some meetings this week if he had any. I had been on several pitch meetings since we signed CPG on as a client and we had been pretty successful on all of them with the exception of one. However, I truly didn¡¯t know what he wanted and those were the only conjectures I had in regards to what the meeting could be about. When I entered his office, he warmly greeted me, asked me to close the door, and then to have a seat. ¡°I need your opinion on something.¡± he stated. ¡°Sure. Mr. Kirchner.¡± ¡°Kash. What¡¯s your take on him?¡± ¡°Kevin?¡± ¡°Yes.¡± he confirmed. ¡°What¡¯s your take?¡± ¡°I mean, what would you like to know?¡± I said to buy some time before I said anything as I knew this could probably affect his future. ¡°What¡¯s been your experience working with and for him?¡± ¡°He¡¯s taught me all I know Mr. Kirchner. I am the accountant I am today because of him.¡± I said. ¡°He¡¯s helped me grow professionally in a lot of ways. I have nothing but all the respect in the world for him.¡± ¡°Do you think he would make a great partner?¡± ¡°Oh absolutely. Without a doubt.¡± I affirmed. ¡°He¡¯s very knowledgeable and works well with clients. He¡¯s a good face for the firm to have.¡± ¡°I wanted to include your input in on our decision making process.¡± he said. ¡°Even though, as you know this decision won¡¯t be made until next year, but it must be said that your ability to attract a significant customer base has made our decision rather difficult. I wanted you to know that. We wouldn¡¯t want to lose you to another firm because we excluded you from our decision making.¡± ¡°And you¡¯re not going to.¡± I said. ¡°I know the decision you make will always be in the firm¡¯s best interest and Kevin deserves to be a partner here. He really does.¡± ¡°Thank you for your input Landyn.¡± he said as he stood to shake my hand. Unauthorized usage: this narrative is on Amazon without the author''s consent. Report any sightings. ¡°You¡¯re most welcome.¡± I said as I stood to return the gesture. ¡°I¡¯ll call you in a little later this afternoon to go over our meeting schedule for this week and next week as well.¡± ¡°I¡¯m in the office today so I¡¯ll be around.¡± I informed him. ¡°You can leave the door open Landyn.¡± he said as I began to exit his office. ¡°Thanks again.¡± ¡°No problem.¡± As I left his office I hoped I had helped Kevin¡¯s cause to make partner. I spoke the truth; Kevin had helped me greatly in my career. I owe a lot of my success to him. Even though a knock on him was that he hazed his staff at times, he was really only trying to toughen them up for the demands of their profession and believe me it is a demanding and taxing one as we deal with hostile personalities on an everyday basis. A corporate controller, CFO, or even a low level staff accountant doesn¡¯t like to be confronted with their mistakes found during an audit. You have to be thick skinned, and even though I tried to help the young thin¨Cskinned aspiring staff because I remembered how I was, I might have been doing them a total disservice when they worked on jobs under Kevin. I really couldn¡¯t tell you whose managing style was better, but I believe both were equally effective in getting jobs done correctly and under budget, and that¡¯s what the partners understood and cared about more than anything--the dollar amounts associated with high profit margins, and recurring revenues that led to increased partner distributions without the worry of legal expenses. On the way back to my office though, I thought about Anya and I hanging out at a Barnes and Noble on one of the couches sharing the same book, and I just had to smile. Just before I could delve further into this sudden daydream however I heard Kevin¡¯s voice calling me to come into his office. ¡°What¡¯s going on, bud?¡± he asked as I entered. ¡°Hey Kev.¡± I acknowledged. ¡°What¡¯s going on?¡± ¡°You tell me!¡± he exclaimed. ¡°I¡¯ve never seen a smile on your face this early in the morning before.¡± ¡°What?¡± I laughed. ¡°What¡¯s going on with you?¡± he asked as he gripped the top of my right shoulder and shook me a little. ¡°Hey, check this out. What do you think? Nice huh?¡± ¡°Man.¡± I said as he exposed his left wrist to me. ¡°That¡¯s a sharp watch. Rolex huh? How much did that set you back?¡± ¡°Mr. Caiaphas hooked me up with a Rolex shop owner near his Irvine office. He gave me his discount.¡± ¡°Really?¡± I asked concerned. ¡°Is that legal?¡± ¡°Legal? Of course it is! It¡¯s just his discount. Nothing tangible.¡± he said. ¡°Just one of the perks of doing business with the ¡°well to do¡±. Everyone does it anyway.¡± ¡°Well, I¡¯d hate to see anything bad happen to you when you¡¯re so close to making partner.¡± ¡°Hey, I got it all under control. I ran a good engagement at CPG. The client was most pleased.¡± he said. ¡°Oh, and by the way, Mr. Caiaphas said to tell Landman he said hello.¡± ¡°Oh. Please tell him I said hello.¡± I said regardless of the Landman reference. ¡°He said he met you in San Francisco. I didn¡¯t know you met with him.¡± I had no idea what to tell Kevin. I didn¡¯t want to lose his trust, but I now knew I had to come clean. ¡°Yeah, I was asked to accompany Clyde in San Francisco.¡± I said. ¡°We both met Mr. Caiaphas there. I¡¯m sorry I didn¡¯t tell you about it Kev, I really wanted to but I was told not to tell anyone.¡± ¡°I understand. I know they like you a lot here too Landyn. And they should.¡± he said. ¡°I think you¡¯d make a great partner one day too. It¡¯s going to be a tough decision for them to make.¡± ¡°Thanks for that but I hope they choose you. I could use another year or two of experience under my belt.¡± ¡°So is that what¡¯s up with the smile? Partner consideration?¡± he asked. ¡°Ha! It has nothing to with partner consideration Kev. Nothing at all.¡± ¡°Then where¡¯s it comin¡¯ from?¡± I wanted to tell Kevin everything. Who Anya was. How much happiness she had brought into my life, and how much of a difference she had made in my life¡¯s outlook. How the years of sadness and depression I felt, the silent battle I only knew about that waged inside day in and day out was now banished. However, the situation wouldn¡¯t allow me to so I came clean as much as I reasonably could. ¡°I met a great girl.¡± I said. ¡°I¡¯ll leave it at that.¡± ¡°Really?¡± he asked. ¡°Looks like you¡¯re in love.¡± ¡°I guess the physiological changes are starting to show up on the outside, huh?¡± ¡°They sure are.¡± he chuckled. ¡°So who¡¯s the lucky girl and when do I get to meet her?¡± ¡°One day Kev. One day.¡± I said as I tried to avoid the ¡°who the lucky girl is¡± question. ¡°I think I¡¯m the lucky one though.¡± ¡°I definitely got to meet this girl if she can bring this much of a smile on your face.¡± ¡°Definitely.¡± Even if Anya wasn¡¯t married I would have held off providing information about her because it seemed to jinx things for me. I had been with Anya for about a month and a half now and it would be too soon even at this point to start introducing her to people. It¡¯s just something I would take my time with no matter how much I cared for her especially with my past luck with women. I didn¡¯t want to look like a fool if I had told him all about her and how special she was and things suddenly didn¡¯t work out, and in my life, that was a highly probable possibility. After the long work day I decided to do something I rarely did and that was to text Anya before she texted me. I hadn¡¯t heard from her all day and I missed her. I wasn¡¯t the only one with low self-esteem issues so I decided to be more assertive with my feelings for her. I texted her to simply say hello and to see how she was doing. After ten minutes, she responded to my text. 5:36 p.m. ¡°Hi! I¡¯m fine, just busy! How are you? Did you get a new book to read?¡± ME: ¡°I didn¡¯t see one I wanted to buy. I¡¯m still trying to finish ¡°The Historian¡± so I held off. I hadn¡¯t heard from you so I thought I would say hi. I miss you.¡± ANYA: ¡°I miss you too baby! I haven¡¯t forgotten about our night together.¡± ME: ¡°I haven¡¯t forgotten about it too. Hard not to think about it. I got through the workday though!¡± ANYA: ¡°Wow! Good for you! I try not to think so much but I¡¯m constantly drawn. I have moments when I get really scared. I¡¯m afraid we have more in common than we know.¡± After this text from Anya, I was left kind of miffed. Why would she be afraid of having more things in common with each other? It sounded like it would be a pleasant thing, not something to be fearful of. Having things in common with a partner I felt were imperative to a successful relationship. I¡¯d be more fearful if we had nothing in common as I believed the ones that failed lacked a common ground. I felt common interests got you through tough times so I didn¡¯t think it was something to be feared. It sounded like she had a stressful day and maybe that¡¯s all it really was. I decided not to worry about what she had texted me and I texted her a little later on that evening to see how she was doing as I hoped her day had become a little less stressful at this time. 9:14 p.m. ¡°Sorry can¡¯t talk now. Goodnight. Maybe you can call me in the morn?¡± Since it seemed she had a very busy day I didn¡¯t want to pressure her. It bummed me out she wasn¡¯t able to talk to me but at the same time I understood, I had to. At that point I decided not to initiate texts with her anymore just because I couldn¡¯t deny the disappointment I felt when she wasn¡¯t able to talk as anyone would feel if they truly missed someone. Instead of feeling hurt for no reason, I just decided to do some journaling and call it a night, but one thing was undeniable. I was hurt. Then again, I had to recognize I had a long day myself, and I was tired and my hurt may have been a product of my fatigue more than a reality. I knew our phone conversation the next morning might be a little interesting. I tried not to be sensitive because of the situation, but I was who I was as my experiences had shaped me to feel a 1.0 on the Richter scale now. My sensitive side worked for me and against me at times and I fought hard not to let it, but after a lifetime of disappointments you start to sense things others believe you can¡¯t. There was something peculiar about Anya last night though, a side I hadn¡¯t really seen or felt, and I needed to know what she was going through, but I also couldn¡¯t discount how it made me feel. This was about her but this was also about me too, and I couldn¡¯t lie to her about my feelings and disappointments. She was entitled to know how my past had shaped me, but I needed to know her feelings first before I made probable invalid feelings known. I could be wrong to feel the way I did, and I had to recognize it may be my own fears talking more than anything real to feel. I woke up earlier than usual that morning, mostly because I couldn¡¯t sleep, to call her twenty minutes before I left for the office. ¡°Hey.¡± she said as she answered the phone. ¡°Good morning. How are you?¡± ¡°I¡¯m okay. How are you?¡± ¡°I¡¯m okay, too.¡± I said, immediately sensing distress in her tone. ¡°Pretty busy day for you?¡± ¡°Yep.¡± She replied, casually. ¡°Sorry.¡± I said not knowing what to say. ¡°Do you want to talk about it? I¡¯m a good listener you know.¡± ¡°I know you are, babe.¡± ¡°What¡¯s wrong?¡± I asked. ¡°You can tell me anything you know.¡± ¡°Last night when you texted me I was at the batting cages with my son.¡± she revealed. ¡°I was watching my son hit the baseball and I started to think about you. Things just started to hit me hard.¡± ¡°Really?¡± I asked confused. ¡°How so?¡± ¡°I mean I think about you all day long.¡± she said. ¡°But It just seemed with each swing he took things would hit me harder and harder.¡± ¡°In what way? What things?¡± ¡°I just started to feel bad, and¡­and I got scared.¡± ¡°Why Sweetheart?¡± I asked. ¡°What¡¯s scaring you? I want to understand.¡± ¡°Well, I enjoy being around my children and not worrying about anything but my life with them.¡± she said. ¡°Communicating with you every day is really hard. I can¡¯t be productive at work during the day. I think it¡¯s best if you can¡­if you could let me go.¡± ¡°Let you go?¡± I asked shocked. ¡°I¡¯d understand.¡± she said. ¡°I won¡¯t fight you.¡± ¡°Are you serious? Really?¡± I asked sadly. ¡°Is this what you want?¡± ¡°This is what I want. I think it would be for the best.¡± she said softly. ¡°I can¡¯t let you go so please let me go¡­¡± I was floored. I sensed she had a bad night when she cut her text off so quickly, but I never expected she wanted me to let her go especially after she told me I had broken her heart when I left her. As confused as I was, at the same time, I had to listen to her. I couldn¡¯t discount what she wanted even if it was something I didn¡¯t want. I loved Anya and I felt letting her go would not be an act of love considering the pain she had endured throughout her marriage with an unfaithful spouse. I felt like if I left her, it would hurt her. Even at this point, it would hurt me too, but she knew what was going down on her side of the fence, and I really had no clue. I then started to think that maybe this was a test. A test to see if I would run if I had the chance. ¡°Ok.¡± I said completely torn and on the verge of breaking down. ¡°Can I think about it though before I respond? I have to get into the office. I just need time to process this. I don¡¯t want to say the wrong thing.¡± ¡°K.¡± she responded. ¡°I¡¯ll text you later Sweetheart.¡± I said. ¡°Have a good day.¡± ¡°K. You too.¡± When I got off the phone I just stood still in complete disbelief as I wanted to be absorbed in the boisterous silence of my one-bedroom apartment. She didn¡¯t want to even communicate with me anymore hit me hard. The one time I finally felt secure and strong enough to initiate communication to someone I love and she ends up not wanting to hear from me anymore. I then began to think that maybe she did this on purpose to get revenge for what I did, and as cruel as it was to leave her there by herself at the bar that night, she had to understand after I put myself out there that it was because I felt something for her. Then again, how could I expect a woman who had trust issues to trust what I, another man no less, told her? I then began to regret not making love to her at my apartment as I felt she couldn¡¯t trust my feelings for her because of my unwillingness. I even asked her to come over to play a board game and I began to think that was a mistake as well. As all these thoughts began to swirl in my head like a piece of tissue in a category five hurricane, I decided it was best to distract my mind by getting into my car and getting to work as fast as I could. The truth was I wanted to fight for her, and not let her go, but I had to listen to what she told me. She only wants to worry about the life with her kids. She didn¡¯t want to communicate with me anymore because she couldn¡¯t be productive at work. This was her show, and as much as I loved her and would miss her, it was her show. I had to pay attention to all she told me, and even before I arrived at the office, I made the decision to let her go instead of questioning her as I summoned my inner Aurelius for one last time as I felt I was a stronger person from the heartache of Denise. You win some, you lose some, and as much as it would hurt at least I would be able to recover in time because I had been to this circus before. As I entered the office¡¯s assigned parking lot, and just before I exited my car to head inside, I heard that familiar ring tone as my phone suddenly began to vibrate. I contemplated not reading her text message because of the emotions involved and the fear I would not be able to focus on my work, but I couldn¡¯t leave her hanging. I had made up my mind to let her go, and to end this dream of mine before my feelings, our feelings got any deeper. It was now time to make it official as I saw her message that read. 9:18 a.m. ¡°I don¡¯t want you to leave me.¡± CHAPTER 5 ~ TRUST ¡°God has made us fall in love, it¡¯s true.¡± ~ ¡°You and I¡± Michael Buble 9:55 a.m. ¡°You know people divorce all the time and kids are resilient. I can¡¯t promise when or how but nothing is impossible. I hurt everyday because I miss you so much.¡± They were the words my heart needed to see from her. I knew her worries had to be coming from a place I didn¡¯t quite understand¡­until now. Even as she texted me these things I tussled with letting her go simply because I knew what she was going through because I felt the same vulnerability; a helplessness as scary as knowing you are sinking and drowning at the same time. I felt the same longing, as if we were one person, and truthfully that dependence frightened me as well, but I just wasn¡¯t genuine enough to admit it like Anya did. The love that she felt for me was no doubt real because I felt its strength too. I now knew there was no way I could walk away from her. That what we had was a rare jewel. A ¡°you¡¯re lucky if this this happens once in your lifetime event¡±. I knew without a tinge of doubt she needed love in her life as much as I did, and I couldn¡¯t take that away from her as much as she couldn¡¯t take it away from me. I didn¡¯t know much in life but I knew this much; whatever may come, we were both in this together, and I could not allow her to run away because I held the absolute truth through these texts, as heartfelt as they come, what she really desired but also what she truly needed, and I wanted her to have that no matter what pain my heart would have to bear. A few seconds after I read her last text, I called her. ¡°Hi babe.¡± she answered. ¡°I¡¯m not going anywhere.¡± I said. ¡°I love you.¡± ¡°I love you too. I don¡¯t know whether to laugh or cry. I¡­I was fully prepared for you to walk away.¡± she said. ¡°I feel the same things you do and sometimes it¡¯s hard to concentrate. You¡¯re on my mind twenty four-seven.¡± ¡°I have to focus on my everyday life. I need to know that we can grow and be responsible. Thinking about you can be paralyzing.¡± she stated. ¡°If you want to¡­it¡¯s ok with me to talk every few days. Everyday contact makes me miss you.¡± ¡°I understand Sweetheart. I just needed to know where you were coming from.¡± I said. ¡°I know that feeling too. I¡¯m aloof and in a different place sometimes, and it can be distracting when you have things to get done and you have someone on your mind as much as we are on each other¡¯s. You have it different than I do. You have to juggle a family life and kids. All I have to juggle is work and myself. I don¡¯t want you to worry about me. You worry about your life. You have to. I¡¯ll be okay and we¡¯ll talk and catch up when we can. It doesn¡¯t mean I won¡¯t be missing you if you don¡¯t hear from me. Always feels secure in that.¡± ¡°I will babe, thank you for hanging with me. I love you.¡± ¡°I love you too. Now get back to work, will you?¡± ¡°Ha! Okay! Bye for now!¡± Even though I would miss her tremendously, it was the best thing for our relationship. If I wanted this relationship to work out. If I wanted the love of a lifetime, the one that would make me happy forever, I had to be willing to suffer as nothing in life worth having comes easy, and that just had to be my approach. My understanding was further appreciated a little later that afternoon. 3:31 p.m. ¡°You don¡¯t have to text me back. I just wanted to tell you I had a productive day!! Thought about you but not as distracted. Love you and can¡¯t wait to tell you in person!¡± Love is an astonishing thing to realize you¡¯re in especially when that astonishment is realized when a simple text message makes your entire day. From this day forward I made a valiant effort to text Anya every few days. I wish I could have said the same thing for her effort. 8:55 a.m. ¡°Have a fun and productive day! Miss u!¡± 9:36 a.m. ¡°Hi! How r u? Miss u.¡± 10:47 a.m. ¡°Hi babe. How¡¯s your day going?¡± 10:05 a.m. ¡°I can¡¯t wait to see you again! Miss u.¡± As humorous as it was to have her set these ground rules of no communication but every few days and to hear from her every day since, I was too damn flattered to joke around with her about it because I was afraid she would get self-conscious and stop so I decided to let Anya¡¯s heart dictate her communication which never surprised me that it did. Anya was all heart. More heart than I could ever be. When I thought she couldn¡¯t make me feel better about who I was, she made me feel even more so. As the days came closer to our second meeting at my place, just ten days later, and just one day away, she hit me with my greatest fear from the first meeting, and now seeing her again was in jeopardy once more. January 14, 2008 9:40 a.m. ¡°Good morning! Hard to believe it¡¯s only been one week since I last saw you. Love, I have to tell you I¡¯m coming down with something. I¡¯m doing everything I can to fight it. Ran this morning and thought I was going to lose it! I even have a cold sore. The first time I¡¯ve had one in 5 years! So I¡¯m afraid I can¡¯t kiss you too. This is your chance to bow out babe.¡± ME: ¡°Good morning! See, this is what I was afraid of. I¡¯m so sorry you got sick. No doubt it was from me. I¡¯d love to still see you even with a cold sore if you¡¯re feeling well enough of course, but if you¡¯re not feeling up for coming by I¡¯d totally understand. Your health is the most important thing here.¡± ANYA: ¡°I¡¯m up for it! Just wanted to give you the heads up. I miss u.¡± ME: ¡°I miss u too. Hope you feel better. Let me know if you need anything or if there¡¯s anything I can do.¡± ANYA: ¡°Okay, love. Thank you.¡± No doubt I was bummed out about Anya not feeling well enough to possibly not coming by. Her visit helped get me through the hectic work week, but at the same time, I felt terrible I had gotten her sick. Before I went to bed that evening, I psyched myself out for the next day¡¯s disappointment I would feel if she was too sick to show. I had taken the day off so I concentrated on the things I¡¯d do if she didn¡¯t stop by such as cleaning my apartment, something I¡¯d normally put off until the weekend, which only made the whole day ahead of me seem that more depressing. When I woke up the next morning, half asleep I grabbed my cell phone to text her with hope in my heart. 6:22 a.m. ¡°Good morning! About the same. I¡¯m worried about getting you sick. Are you sure you want me around? I¡¯m contagious! I missed you last night.¡± ME: ¡°Only if you¡¯re feeling well enough to. I¡¯m impervious so don¡¯t worry about me. I¡¯d love to see you.¡± ANYA: ¡°Impervious, we¡¯ll see about that! I sure hope you are my love! Ok I can¡¯t wait to see you! Do you want to do anything in particular? Should I wear flat shoes in case we go for a walk?¡± ME: ¡°We can go for a walk through the complex¡­it¡¯s quite scenic during the day. I¡¯ve never really ventured through it before but we could both experience it for the first time together.¡± ANYA: ¡°That sounds like fun babe. I can be there at 10. Is that okay?¡± ME: ¡°10 in the morning sounds great! Please drive safely.¡± ANYA: ¡°I will. See you soon!¡± I really didn¡¯t expect her to feel well enough to visit, but that was the difference between this relationship and my prior relationships as things seemed to always find a way of working out for us, and the circumstances of this one should have dictated the opposite, but I was now clearly under a different sun and in a totally opposite galaxy than the one I was in before as I learned when two people are truly in love with each other, the uncertain always found a way to morph into the assured. Seeing Anya was a celebratory event especially after we confessed our love for each other. I had a couple of hours before she visited so I played her CD¡¯s and even sang some of the songs while I was readying my place to be Anya acceptable. I was excited to see her again much like a six year old child on Christmas morning, a feeling I thought died when I learned there was no Santa Claus. She was like having a fifth artery that allowed more oxygen and blood to my heart, and I could feel this extra burst of life inside every time I knew I would see her; a feeling I believed existed, much like it is to skydive without having done it and not knowing the exact feeling of exhilaration and adrenaline associated with it before the jump. I had no idea what we would talk about or do during her visit, there would be no board games on display this time around, but the spontaneity of her coming by, even though it was planned, made the day more fascinating and after thirty-seven years, I could now say my life had meaning. At ten a.m. sharp I received my ¡°here¡± text from her and I had to pinch myself upon the realization after a ten day wait I¡¯d see her again in less than a minute. Through Anya, I learned how love should feel if it ever came under question, whether that was called the ¡°measuring stick¡±, or the ¡°barometer¡± I wasn¡¯t quite sure, but I knew I was in love whenever I counted down the hours and minutes until our eyes met again. I knew I couldn¡¯t kiss her because of her cold sore, and I really looked forward to that, but I also knew at least our eyes would touch again. When I made my walk to the front gate, unlike the last time, the sun shone brightly upon all the sprawling trees, flowing flowers and fluttering life around me. I had never really taken in the ambiance that surrounded my apartment complex before even though it was greatly advertised to me when I decided to live here, but today made it easy to get lost in, and it was nice to share its beauty with the most beautiful person I had ever known. As I approached the gate, this time she faced me and waved excitedly with her expansive white smile. After I opened the gate, what stood before me and then came rushing into my arms was the most stunning sight I had yet to see in thirty-seven years. I hugged her tightly, and breathed her in for as long as I could before I had to pull her away before she knew how greatly attracted to her I was. ¡°You look absolutely stunning.¡± I said. Anya, in a thin blue long sleeved top and tight white pants suddenly became bashful as she put her head down, grabbed my right hand with both of hers, put her gorgeous long layered dark hair under my chin and buried her face into my right shoulder. ¡°I¡¯m so happy to see you.¡± she said. ¡°I missed you so much.¡± ¡°Me too.¡± I asked, kissing the top of her head. ¡°How are you feeling?¡± ¡°I¡¯m feeling better now.¡± she replied, holding onto my hand tighter. ¡°Hey¡­ wait a minute.¡± ¡°What?¡± ¡°Where¡¯s this cold sore you¡¯ve been talking about?¡± ¡°Oh shush. You don¡¯t see it babe? It¡¯s right here.¡± she claimed, the pointing to a small red dot on her upper left lip. ¡°You look just as beautiful with a cold sore.¡± I told her, gently kissing her cheek. ¡°If you never pointed it out I would never have known it was there.¡± ¡°You¡¯re too sweet, babe¡­it¡¯s there though.¡± ¡°I see that¡­¡± I paused. ¡°Now.¡± ¡°I wasn¡¯t late, was I?¡± ¡°Late? Not at all.¡± ¡°Oh good. I thought I may have been.¡± She told me, shaking her head. ¡°My husband stayed home from work this morning which was strange.¡± ¡°Oh. Did he say anything to you when you left the house?¡± I replied, further taking notice of how nice she looked. ¡°No¡­he just looked me up and down then went back to reading his Wall Street Journal.¡± ¡°He didn¡¯t even ask you where you were going?¡± ¡°No.¡± She answered without any emotion. ¡°Not that he ever cares but it was just odd he was there this morning.¡± The more Anya told me about her husband, the more questions I seemed to have about him and how I compared. I knew it was too soon for us to be together simply because I wanted to get my house in order for her and the kids. I knew we would be okay but now wouldn¡¯t present the best scenario. I knew there were consequences ahead of me for dating Anya, and I prepared myself for him finding out about us even though I was unsure how I would handle it when it came about, but I figured since he cheated on her as often as he did he wouldn¡¯t put up much of a fight based on what Anya had shared with me. Concerns about her husband though, as far as what he was thinking, were hard to ignore even though I felt I was prepared for the possibility of him learning who I was. When Anya and I were finally inside my apartment and the door was closed we started to embrace as I was greeted by a sense of safety when I closed my apartment door and I knew it was just us. It wasn¡¯t a physical safety but rather an emotional safety as I felt if I had died in the next five seconds I would exit this world the happiest man alive. While in a state that could only be described as one of pure delirium, I instinctively decided to open up about something I probably should have kept hidden; however she just had a way of naturally bringing me out of me. ¡°I feel like King Kong right now.¡± I said. ¡°The monster movie?¡± ¡°Well, I¡¯d like to think of it as more of a love story than a monster movie.¡± I replied while holding her in my arms then looking into her eyes. ¡°Have you seen it?¡± ¡°Yes¡­years ago. The old black and white version.¡± she informed me with a look of amusement. ¡°I know it sounds kind of strange I would reference that movie out all movies.¡± I tried to explain. ¡°But you know the story, right?¡± ¡°Yes, but why would you feel like King Kong? You¡¯re not a monster, my love.¡± ¡°There¡¯s this one scene in the latest version when he¡¯s holding the girl he loves in his hand, and they find themselves both sitting there gazing at each other on top of the Empire State Building, with the beautiful New York City sunrise as their backdrop, as if they were in the heavens.¡± I tried to explain, with a wild heart making itself known inside me. ¡°It¡¯s such a beautiful peaceful scene¡­it¡¯s as if you could hear both their hearts beating in unison and as one. It¡¯s a moment no one could ever take away from them. It¡¯s forever theirs¡­even after the planes come. Like this moment now with you. I know we¡¯re surrounded by a refrigerator, a sink, a stove, a couch and a recliner, but you¡¯re so beautiful to me that when I look into your eyes all I see is that same New York City sunrise. You make my place seem like it¡¯s the most beautiful place to be on earth, like we¡¯re lost in the heavens right now¡­and even though I know what¡¯s coming when you leave, and how the world will steal away what we have at this time, I also know this moment together can never be taken away from us no matter what¡­ because it happened.¡± ¡°You sure have a way of making me look at things differently.¡± She told me, a look of awe in her eyes. ¡°I believe we¡¯re just two really nice people who have fallen in love.¡± ¡°I would have to agree¡­finally.¡± ¡°Finally?¡± ¡°Finally being a nice guy pays off.¡± I smiled. ¡°It¡¯s good to know someone appreciates that quality about me.¡± ¡°I do.¡± ¡°Did you want to go for a walk around the complex¡­it¡¯s quite picturesqueski.¡± ¡°Picturesqueski my love?¡± ¡°Picturuesque¡­I meant. I don¡¯t know where I got picturesqueski from.¡± ¡°I love you.¡± She told me while flashing her white teeth before burying her head into my chest with laughter. ¡°Glad you still do.¡± I responded, kissing her on top of her head. ¡°Love you, too. As we headed hand in hand downstairs out of my apartment and downstairs where nature awaited to greet us, I thought about how all my struggles led me to this moment of sheer happiness. To me, this was what life was all about; hand in hand with a person I not only loved but absolutely adored. It was bizarre hearing someone tell me ¡°I love you.¡± but with Anya it felt so natural and saying it, even more so. No fear of judgment, but rather sanctity in its expression. As much as I wanted to kiss her, and how insignificant her cold sore was to me, it didn¡¯t matter¡­ because I was with her, and if I could have picked any place on earth I¡¯d rather be and upon my choice be instantly transported there, I would have chosen my apartment with Anya. There was no world that existed outside of us whenever she was near and I had never felt that nor believed love could be that strong even with all my dreaming about it. ¡°It¡¯s really gorgeous here.¡± Anya commented as we walked along the pathways. ¡°Isn¡¯t it?¡± I smiled, happy to know she liked where I lived. ¡°Uh oh! Look out! Duck!¡± ¡°What?¡± Anya responded, lowering her head and covering it with her hands. ¡°Duck, babe. Duck.¡± I said, pointing out a mother duck crossing our path along with her babies in tow. ¡°Oh my God.¡± she said, placing her head against my chest. ¡°You got me.¡± ¡°Sorry, I couldn¡¯t resist.¡± ¡°Awww. They¡¯re so cute!¡± ¡°I had no idea there were ducks here.¡± ¡°Do you like animals?¡± she inquired, her eyes more beautiful than all we were surrounded by. ¡°I love animals. Wish I could get a dog, but the apartment complex doesn¡¯t allow them here.¡± ¡°That¡¯s too bad. I have a dog. Her name is Suki. She¡¯s a Yorkie. She¡¯s just a little thing.¡± ¡°How old is she?¡± ¡°She¡¯s only twenty-one.¡± ¡°Only twenty-one?¡± I replied, incredulously. ¡°She¡¯s still alive?¡± ¡°Twenty one dog years babe.¡± ¡°Oh!¡± I replied, a bit embarrassed. ¡°I knew that.¡± After that last statement, Anya stepped away from me, put her hands on her hips, and tilted her head sideways while her lips formed a ¡®you didn¡¯t just say that¡¯ smirk. ¡°You know what was so nice for me?¡± she said ending her pause as we continued our walk along a small bridge over a lively large pond full of orange and white Koi. ¡°What¡¯s that?¡± I asked before stopping to face her when we reached the middle of the bridge. ¡°To finally tell you ¡°I love you¡± in person.¡± she stated, her wonderous dark eyes gazing into mine. ¡°I feel bad sending it over text fearing it didn¡¯t carry as much weight.¡± ¡°I know what you mean but I love hearing it from you even if it¡¯s over text. You know the funny thing is I woke up this morning and you were the first thing on my mind and I had to pinch myself and say, ¡°yep, no question I¡¯m in love.¡± It¡¯s just different for me being alone for so long and never having it reciprocated. The real crazy thing about it is this though¡­do you remember asking me if I had been in love before?¡± ¡°I remember everything.¡± she told me. ¡°Do you remember what my response was?¡± ¡°You told me you had been in love before by telling me you had your heart broken before.¡± ¡°I have to say now. Knowing how love truly feels and not only from hearing you say it but feeling it every time you do. I have never been in love before until now.¡± ¡°Really?¡± ¡°I had no idea what love was until now, and I¡¯m not telling you that because I expect you to feel the same, I know you are married and at one time you were greatly in love with someone else, but I just have never been lucky enough to feel this in my life.¡± ¡°I¡¯ve only told three people before you that I love them but you¡¯re the first man I¡¯ve said that to since my husband, and it¡¯s been a long time, over seven years, since I¡¯ve told him that.¡± If you discover this tale on Amazon, be aware that it has been stolen. Please report the violation. ¡°He tells you he loves you all the time?¡± ¡°He does but I never say it back. He knows how I feel.¡± ¡°Do you feel he says it to see your reaction to it more than he actually means it?¡± ¡°I do.¡± she said. ¡°The only real thing about it is the annoyance factor inside me when he does say it.¡± ¡°I¡¯m sure it makes you feel a little sick after what he¡¯s done.¡± ¡°Yes.¡± she affirmed. ¡°Whenever you say it to me babe, it makes me feel sooo amazing.¡± ¡°I wasn¡¯t expecting that. You have me curious now.¡± ¡°About what?¡± ¡°Is your husband wheelchair bound or something?¡± ¡°Ha! What?¡± She responded with surprise. ¡°Well, he is twelve years older than me but he¡¯s not crippled babe. He¡¯s actually in really good shape. Why would you ask me that?¡± ¡°I don¡¯t know. I guess it¡¯s hard for me to wrap my mind around the fact you¡¯re so in love with me. I¡¯m not questioning it at all¡­it¡¯s just I think you could have any man you want and I¡¯m really just a normal guy. I don¡¯t think I¡¯m all that. So I guess it makes me curious how I compare with him.¡± ¡°I won¡¯t lie to you. He¡¯s tall and really good looking.¡± she said. ¡°He was very popular when I met him and still is, and always had lots of women who wanted to be around him.¡± ¡°Sounds like a celebrity.¡± ¡°Oh, he¡¯s not a celebrity, but I guess you could say he had that kind of status.¡± She stated. ¡°Most women are drawn to men like that. Especially young women who don¡¯t know any better or what they¡¯re getting into.¡± ¡°I see.¡± I replied, feeling a sudden sense of insecurity. ¡°He told me he actually prefers blondes over brunettes¡­¡± She stated matter of factly. ¡°and he¡¯s proven that to me during the marriage.¡± ¡°Well, it¡¯s good to know he¡¯s not the superficial type.¡± I commented. ¡°How do you guys behave at home? Do you get along for the most part?¡± ¡°We don¡¯t fight¡ªwe live like roommates. There¡¯s no passion there at all.¡± ¡°I understand¡­you have to put your differences aside for the kids I¡¯m sure.¡± ¡°Yes.¡± ¡°You know Anya, I hope you know, if I liked your husband as your husband, I wouldn¡¯t be in your life.¡± ¡°I know.¡± ¡°I don¡¯t need to tell you how I feel about him, but I hope you know my disdain for what he put you through is strictly limited to him being your husband, and not at all being a father. I respect the family unit aspect of your marriage with him, just not the marriage. Does that make sense?¡± ¡°It does. Thank you.¡± I didn¡¯t want to go into a diatribe about her husband. Our love wasn¡¯t about him being a bad father, but about him being a bad husband. I wanted to make sure she understood that. I didn¡¯t hate the man at all, and I didn¡¯t have the capacity inside to hate anyone. I could hate what people do in life, but I could never hate a person, but I just didn¡¯t like him as her husband. Even though I knew she loved me, I also knew I would need extra assurance after what she just told me about him because I had lingering low self-esteem issues that just didn¡¯t go away overnight, but I also trusted her. I was in too deep not to, but my own shortcomings would creep in at times. I guess I expected and hoped to hear he wasn¡¯t a really good looking man or something else altogether. Her ¡°We live like roommates¡± statement made me feel much more secure as it reminded me of my mother and father¡¯s marriage, and they lived like roommate without any infidelities. It was also nice to find out he wasn¡¯t wheelchair bound though as I felt I was at least a step up from that. ¡°You make me feel something I had never felt before with my husband.¡± she said as if she knew what I was thinking. ¡°I have never been so in love with anyone before the way I am with you.¡± ¡°Wow. That means a lot to me.¡± I said as I looked into her eyes as my face reflected back at me in them. ¡°It¡¯s the truth babe.¡± she said. ¡°I love you more than I had ever loved anyone.¡± ¡°We haven¡¯t made love yet though so how could you be so sure?¡± ¡°Well, all these feelings I have for you tells me why I¡¯m sure.¡± ¡°I¡¯m glad you¡¯re getting it.¡± I said, hugging her tightly before kissing her again on the top of her head. ¡°Hey babe. I got a question.¡± she asked abruptly while backing away against the wooden railing of the bridge to face me. ¡°Sure.¡± ¡°What are we?¡± ¡°What are we? What do you mean?¡± I chuckled, cautiously. ¡°I mean I love you¡­but I can¡¯t be your girlfriend right now.¡± ¡°Hmmm. I guess that would be tough.¡± ¡°Yes.¡± ¡°So, we¡¯re looking for a title.¡± I joked. ¡°It would be nice.¡± ¡°I¡¯m going to have to think about that one since this is a little on the wild side for me.¡± ¡°For me, too.¡± ¡°I know you can¡¯t technically be my girlfriend because of the situation, but I¡¯m going to treat you like you are my girlfriend. I don¡¯t want to date anyone else. I think our love commands that kind of faithfulness otherwise our love would be greatly disrespectful.¡± I calculated, carefully. ¡°I¡¯ve been out there for years; there is nothing like this and when you have what we have, you would be a fool to do anything to ruin it. Even though you can¡¯t be my girlfriend, I¡¯m still going to be the best boyfriend you ever had.¡± ¡°Are you sure, babe?¡± She asked with an apprehensive tone. ¡°Of course, I¡¯m sure. I¡¯m in love with you.¡± After I spoke, she walked slowly into my arms and laid her head upon the middle of my chest, as if to listen to my heartbeat. For the next three minutes we just held each other on the bridge without the need to say a word as we got lost in the tranquility around us. ¡°Do you know what my dream is?¡± she said. ¡°What¡¯s your dream?¡± ¡°To get all dressed up in my black cocktail dress for a night on the town with you.¡± ¡°To be out in public with me?¡± ¡°That¡¯s my dream.¡± she confirmed. ¡°That doesn¡¯t sound like too much to ask for does it?¡± ¡°Not at all.¡± I said almost drawn to tears by the beauty of her thoughts. ¡°That sounds like a really simple dream to me.¡± ¡°I think you¡¯ll come to see I¡¯m just a simple girl.¡± she said. ¡°A simple girl hoping and wishing for a simple life.¡± What felt like only twenty minutes, Anya stayed with me from ten in the morning to two-thirty that afternoon. It would end up being her longest visit to my place. After we spent nearly two hours on the small bridge over the pond as ducks waddled and koi splashed around below us as if to synchronize our happiness, we decided to go back inside my apartment a little after twelve thirty with every intention to eat, but we were just so excited to be with other that our appetites remained incognito. For the next two hours we poked fun at world events and other things we enjoyed about our lives, but we always circled back around to how happy we were to be in love and how its foreign nature lent to its unbelievability. She even brought pics of her kids for me to see as both appeared well mannered and kept, and I could imagine the pride her and her husband must had felt in them, which hurt only in the sense that I wish they were ours. Regardless, and strangely, I felt connected to them because Anya had shared their lives in detail with me during her visit and when she did, I knew she trusted me immensely. I felt like not only was my job now to protect Anya, but her children as well and it made me fall that much deeper in love with her. As I walked her out, hand in hand, and before she exited through the front gate, she reached inside her purse and handed me two CD¡¯s of more songs she had burned. She then gave me a long hug goodbye as it seemed she was feeling better now from her sickness and me, well¡­I had never had felt better in the entire thirty-seven years of my life. 3:10 p.m. ¡°Made it home. Had a great time! Miss you already!¡± I would never contemplate seeing someone in this situation as this circumstance never provided an element of fun for me; only the person I loved provided that. I would have much rather preferred her to be single so we could see each other more frequently therefore the missing would be less severe. It had to take someone extremely special for me to consider this as I respected all relationships very much, but Anya was simply everything I looked for in someone minus her situation, and I wanted desperately to save her from a lifetime of unhappiness. I¡¯m not saying I knew her darkness, but I knew my own, as I felt she was too lovely of a person to go through it forever alone, and when you¡¯ve been in the darkness for as long like as I had, it¡¯s good to have someone who has been through it before to hold your hand and lead you to the light. I tried to put myself in her husband¡¯s shoes. They say a man is only as faithful as his options however I feel if you truly loved someone, you would remain faithful no matter how many options you had. If I had ¡°celebrity¡± status and was surrounded by constant temptation I would just never get married. When you get married you are telling that person I don¡¯t want anyone else ever again; you are the only one for me, but it seemed like in his case he wanted to fool the masses. The more I thought about how Anya believed he lost interest because she put on weight from her pregnancy, the more I felt he appeared to be a man of superior arrogance and fulfilled by no one else but himself in life. Ninety-nine percent of the time, in any extramarital affair, I honestly would side with the man especially after my past struggles with understanding women, but after I heard he cheated on her while she was pregnant, with another married woman no less, it was impossible for me not to take her side and want to see her with a better person who brought out the best in her as it seemed a man¡¯s character was more important to Anya now than his social status. The unbelievable thing about being in love with Anya was that not less than two months ago I was bummed out about Lexi. I believed if people knew how good of a person she really was and how happy we made each other; they would understand our love and the very nature of our relationship. Sometimes in life, you have to destroy the straight and narrow path just to survive in today¡¯s world, and I thought people would eventually see the beauty in that over time. As much as I despised her husband for putting her through a lot of pain that she tried to justify by falsely believing marriages were unrealistic, if I could erase his infidelities I would just because I would have wanted to see her happy in life. In fact, I would rather to have not met her at all if it meant she would be happy, but her destiny created a road that led right to me, and even though I know dealing with her husband could be difficult, I also felt armed with my love for Anya I would be able to find a way to work things out. After Anya had left I began to listen to one of the CD¡¯s she burned for me. ¡°Patience¡± by Guns n¡¯ Roses was the first song to greet my ears, a song I hadn¡¯t heard in years but now suddenly meant something. The things she told me today I just couldn¡¯t get out of my mind. The beautiful thought of just simply wanting to get dressed up in a cocktail dress to go out in public with me I found to be the greatest compliment I had ever received. Anya was also always so thoughtful and polite to me. Everything I told her was always met with the deepest sincerity in her eyes as they told me if it was important enough for me to tell her, it was important enough for her to absorb it all. She could have easily been the biggest prude on the planet too, yet she always treated me as her equal, as if she knew it bothered me greatly when people made me feel inferior to them; as if she knew me my entire life. I had never met a woman who was more made for me, more in tune with me, and if we did get married one day, I knew our marriage would no doubt last longer than her current one and beyond this dimension. I was also aware she might be worried about my ability to be in a long-term relationship because of my history but the lengths of my relationships were never really my choice. She might even think that if she wasn¡¯t married my interest level wouldn¡¯t be so high, but she couldn¡¯t be more wrong about something in her life. If she was single I¡¯d want to see her everyday like I do now not only because I¡¯m hugely attracted to her but because I had so much fun just hanging out and talking with her about anything and everything. I had never said I needed someone in my life to anyone¡­ever¡­nor have I ever felt like I needed someone but saying I miss you no longer felt obligatory; when I said I missed Anya, I truly missed her. She had made me passionate about breathing again. I was on such a high from the day I needed to get out of the house. My apartment made me feel lonely now whenever she left, so I decided to go visit my parents. I tried to visit at least once a week but since I met Anya, the last time I had been by was Christmas Day which was about three weeks ago. I had not told my parents about Anya. If we ended up together, I wanted her to have a clean slate with both of them, especially my old-fashioned father who would never understand. He was fortunate enough to grow up in a world that was a much better and simpler place back in the fifties, however I still felt bad for my parents because of how much the world had changed and how much it disconnected them from it. I knew one day it would eventually do the same to me, so I tried to be sensitive, but no doubt I¡¯m sure the world would have been much kinder to the desires of my heart if I had grown up in my parents time period. People were just better people. There was no sensationalism back then; only a few television stations. They showed wholesome shows. The world just cultivated better people but as the television shows increased, the revenue rose and capitalism grew until it became all that truly mattered. Needless to say, I had absorbed myself in it willingly but unwittingly and I thought the people who disparaged it were just jealous or crazy. Now that I was older I saw how much it had taken love away from the masses and created a world of questionable behaviors with little to zero accountability. It was hard not to admire my parents for the people they were and to be jealous of the time period they grew up in because it was almost virtually impossible to be a good person in a now entirely corrupt society. Even though I didn¡¯t plan on telling either of my parents about Anya, I wrestled with the idea of telling my mother about her because she was not as judgmental as my father. I knew if I explained it to her she would understand even if she wasn¡¯t supportive which I didn¡¯t expect her to be at all. I hated to keep things from my mother. She was my truest friend, and I felt I was letting her down by keeping it from her. I know it would shock her if she knew. My parents didn¡¯t raise me to date someone who was married, but again, it¡¯s a different world from the one they were a part of. I was more fearful, knowing how she worries, that she would worry about my safety if her husband found out. I know she would also worry about their kids as my mom seemed to always put the weight of the world on her shoulders even if she didn¡¯t know the person. I also tussled greatly with my mother possibly not having grandchildren out of this. My mom understood I would probably have kids that weren¡¯t my own because I was older now and there were many single mothers out there. I had never been opposed to dating single mothers, in fact, I preferred them because they were out of the fake party scene, and were looking to be part of a solid family unit. I had no fear of being a step father as I felt I would be one kids could look up to. Again, another reason I couldn¡¯t hate Anya¡¯s husband was because I¡¯d have to get along with him for the sake of their kids. At any rate, a lot of things could happen if my mom knew about Anya. I strongly believed Anya needed to be with someone who made her a better person, and a woman who felt compelled to fall in love with someone outside her marriage in my eyes was simply an unwell person within the marriage. I felt it was important that she was well again so her well-being could be intact for her kids as her happiness was every much as important as the happiness of her children. I felt if Anya was happier and released from the stranglehold of a philandering husband, that this joy would be reflected back on her kids, but I also knew if I had to push Anya to leave her husband for anything, she would have to do it for herself, not for me or anyone else. I knew we weren¡¯t there yet but that was my thinking, and in this situation you had to think two chess moves ahead. When I arrived at my parent¡¯s home I could hear ¡°Sleepless in Seattle¡± playing loudly in my mother¡¯s room, and when I opened the door, she instantly jumped off the bed where she sat to hug me. ¡°Landy! What are you doing here? What a surprise!¡± ¡°I thought I would come visit. It¡¯s been a few weeks.¡± ¡°Sit down.¡± she said as she began to move some un-ironed shirts from the recliner they covered. ¡°Watch ¡°Sleepless in Seattle¡± with me.¡± ¡°I really have to get you off this ¡°Sleepless in Seattle¡± addiction. Maybe they have a treatment center in the area for this sort of thing.¡± ¡°What are you talking about?¡± ¡°Never mind. I¡¯ll just watch it for the, oh I don''t know, ten thousandth time with you.¡± ¡°We can watch the ¡°Golden Girls¡± if you want? Oh wait. "Third Rock from the Sun" is on I think too!¡± ¡°Sleepless in Seattle works.¡± I said quickly. ¡°So why are you here?¡± she asked. ¡°It¡¯s a Tuesday. Aren¡¯t you working?¡± ¡°I took a personal day off.¡± ¡°Oh, that¡¯s nice.¡± ¡°Yes...very nice.¡± I suddenly felt and heard my phone vibrate in my pocket, and instinctively I quickly pulled it out to see Anya had left me a text message. 7:37 p.m. ¡°How¡¯s my King Kong? I miss u¡±. I then started to laugh when I read it and responded back to tell her I was visiting with my mom. ¡°Who¡¯s that?¡± she asked. ¡°Oh, just my friend.¡± ¡°Is it a girl?¡± ¡°It might be.¡± ¡°It might be my butt! What¡¯s going on Landy?¡± ¡°What¡¯s going on? What do you mean?¡± ¡°Oh I don¡¯t know. You come by on a Tuesday evening...something you never do. You¡¯re smiling and laughing like I had never seen.¡± she stated. ¡°There¡¯s no other explanation for it. You have a girlfriend.¡± I looked at my mother with her wide eyes and huge smile as I could see the excitement and happiness shine through on her face. I began to grapple with the idea of telling her who Anya was and why I had been swept away by a feeling so foreign to me I had lost belief in its existence. Maybe she needed to know her son was happy and why he was? I hated to look her inthe eye and lie to her. I hated to hide things from her. We could share and talk about most things, but I was uncertain if this was sharable. ¡°Well, I don¡¯t really have a girlfriend.¡± I explained. ¡°More like a girlfriend in waiting.¡± ¡°Hah? A girlfriend in waiting? What¡¯s that?¡± ¡°I¡­forget it. I shouldn¡¯t have mentioned anything.¡± ¡°It must have been important if you mentioned it. You can tell me.¡± ¡°Mom.¡± ¡°Yes?¡± ¡°Could you promise me one thing?¡± ¡°Sure.¡± ¡°Could you please keep an open mind if I tell you?¡± ¡°Okay. What is it?¡± ¡°Remember that girl I dated a little over a month ago, the week after Thanksgiving?¡± ¡°The one I told you ¡°you never know¡±?¡± ¡°That¡¯s the one.¡± ¡°You¡¯re with her now?¡± ¡°I¡¯ve actually been with her for nearly two months. We decided to start seeing each other that night. So, as unexpected as it was to me, you were right.¡± ¡°See! Landy! I knew it!¡± ¡°I know, but there¡¯s something I need to explain to you about our relationship. It¡¯s a little bit complicated.¡± ¡°It¡¯s a girl¡­right honey? You¡¯re not¡­you know. Not that I would care because I love you but your father¡­I don¡¯t know¡­he would have a hard time accepting that.¡± ¡°I¡¯m not gay Mom!¡± I laughed; a bit irritated. ¡°What would make you think that? I told you it was a girl.¡± ¡°You never know these days¡­girls have ¡®wee wees¡¯ now you know.¡± ¡°Well, sorry to disappoint you, but this girl isn¡¯t a hermaphrodite so there goes your dream of visiting Chicago to see me on the Jerry Springer show.¡± ¡°Well then what is it?¡± she asked with concern etched on her face. ¡°Mom, you need to know at least this much before I tell you.¡± ¡°What do I need to know?¡± ¡°You need to know that I am the happiest I have ever been in my life.¡± I exclaimed. ¡°No woman has ever made me feel this good before. My personal life is now a ten whereas before it was a zero. I¡¯m doing extremely well in life because of it. I¡¯m even staying out of bars now. I am no longer depressed and sad over my past failures with women; in fact it almost feels like they never existed. Having her in my life has given me a clean slate. For the first time I feel I am blessed. That the curse has ended.¡± ¡°I can see the difference in you.¡± She remarked. ¡°It¡¯s why I asked.¡± ¡°Thank you.¡± ¡°What¡¯s the problem though? Why is it complicated?¡± ¡°Unfortunately, Mom.¡± I said, anticipating immediate remorse. ¡°Unfortunately, she¡¯s married.¡± ¡°What? Landy no. Not you.¡± she answered, shaking her head in disbelief. ¡°You¡¯re not a homewrecker.¡± ¡°Can I please explain some things before you rush to judgment?¡± I cut off. ¡°I want to tell you about her situation¡­it¡¯s not what it appears.¡± ¡°She¡¯s married Landyn. How else could it appear?¡± ¡°By a piece of paper Mom. A piece of paper that binds her to someone else.¡± I fired back fiercely. ¡°Marriages should be bound by the heart.¡± ¡°Does she have any children?¡± ¡°She has two.¡± ¡°She still loves her husband Landyn. She¡¯s had children with him. They will always have that bond.¡± ¡°I understand they will always have that bond, but the one thing I¡¯m confident about is that she doesn¡¯t love him.¡± I double downed. ¡°He has cheated on her several times. Once when she was pregnant with her son with another married woman, and another time even after that.¡± ¡°How could you be so sure she is telling you the truth about him? How do you know he cheated on her?¡± ¡°Because I met her back in June and walked away from her because she was married, but I ran into her again in November, nearly six months later. When I asked her the same questions to see if she was lying, she told me the exact same thing.¡± I explained. ¡°There¡¯s no doubt in my mind Mom she¡¯s not lying. That I¡¯m sure of.¡± ¡°I don¡¯t think this is a good thing Landy. I¡¯m sorry, but this is not good. I could never support it because of the children.¡± ¡°Mom, you know me better than anyone. You raised a man who is not only respectful of women but respectful of relationships as well. You know what I have gone through with the girl I met on the cruise. You know how much I never wanted to put myself in a position to be hurt ever again. You have to trust me on this one. The girl, her name is Anya by the way, is a very good person. She has been hurt by someone who promised to God and family to be faithful to her for a lifetime, in sickness and in health until death do they part. This man has hurt her so badly she explored a love she could count on outside her marriage. What¡¯s her crime? How could God even judge her for that after she was promised love and crushed? If this man would cheat on her when she was pregnant what if she was sick, heaven forbid, with a disease and lost her breast? Who would love her then? If our relationship was about lust more than love then I can understand you trying to talk me out of it, but we¡¯re talking about love mom; loving another human being who truly needs it. How could you deny air to someone if you knew they needed it to survive for not only themselves but for others around them? She hasn¡¯t been breathing for the last ten years of her marriage because of the things this man has done. Do you know he was thirty-eight, almost my age, when he made the decision to cheat on her? I mean, my God, how could he not know better at that age? If there is a God, how could He be against our love knowing that? Doesn¡¯t she deserve something more? Something real? Something she could rely on to always be there? I could understand if I was just in this for kicks but I¡¯m not. You know how my heart works. I truly care for her. I want to see her happy. I believe if she were happy it would be a good thing, not a bad thing. Wreck a home? Mom, he wrecked the home years ago with the decisions he made to cheat on her. When he made a joke of her kind heart that left her numb. How does this man get a free pass all because of a piece of paper? If this was any kind of other situation, if he had been faithful and I decided to fall in love with her then shame on me. Even if he hadn¡¯t been faithful and she had told me she still loved him and wanted to make things work and I still went into this, I¡¯d understand your judgments about it, but you have to trust me on this one. I am aware in the eyes of the world, they are married, but in the eyes of God, if there is one, this marriage is over. That¡¯s why I¡¯m here otherwise I would never be.¡± ¡°Honey, I¡¯m your mother. I worry about you.¡± She responded with a gentler more understanding tone. ¡°I can¡¯t support it because I¡¯m worried about you even though she may be an angel in your life. She¡¯s a mother and she¡¯s unavailable right now, and you¡¯re in love with her even if she isn¡¯t in love with her husband. I want the best for you Landy. I can¡¯t support what I don¡¯t believe is the best for my son.¡± ¡°I understand. I know that and I appreciate that. Just please don¡¯t rush to judgment about her. She¡¯s an extremely kind wonderful person who adores your son. That¡¯s something your son has never had, and just doesn¡¯t come around every day. You have to understand how long it has taken me to find this. Something that may never com e around again.¡± ¡°Why is she still with him if he¡¯s so horrible?¡± ¡°She¡¯s still with him because she is afraid no one will be there for her if she left.¡± I explained. ¡°She¡¯s still there out of fear, not out of love.¡± ¡°What if this doesn¡¯t work out? I know how hard it was for you with the other one.¡± ¡°I¡¯m a lot stronger now. If it doesn¡¯t work out I¡¯ll get through it.¡± I said to ease her worries. ¡°What if the husband finds out and tries to hurt you?¡± ¡°First off, I don¡¯t think he loves his wife enough to care, and if he did it would sound pretty hypocritical to me. I¡¯m not sure exactly what he does but I can tell you he¡¯s very well off, he has a business and two kids so I think he has too much to lose to come after me. Please don¡¯t worry about that. That¡¯s the last thing I¡¯m worried about. He doesn¡¯t seem like that type of person.¡± ¡°I would advise you not to tell your father about this.¡± She advised. ¡°You know how he is.¡± ¡°I have no plans to.¡± I laughed. ¡°Would you be willing to help raise her kids?¡± ¡°I would love them like they were my own.¡± ¡°How soon would she leave if she does?¡± ¡°I would think maybe in a year? I would like to make partner before she does so the kids would come into an environment that makes them feel secure. I don¡¯t think the one bedroom apartment is going to fly well with them. I need to buy a home, and I have money saved for that once the market drops back down.¡± ¡°That¡¯s a good idea.¡± ¡°I think so. I¡¯m not jumping into this blindly. I really care about her and I want her to have a love she can believe in. I think we¡¯ll be okay and I think things will work out the way they are meant to.¡± ¡°Just don¡¯t be a typical guy. Be patient and understanding.¡± ¡°I will.¡± ¡°Well, I hope this works out for you and I can meet her one day, as long as it doesn¡¯t come at the price of hurting her children.¡± ¡°Do you think being with a guy like me could really hurt her children?¡± ¡°It¡¯s just that they don¡¯t know you Landy and they aren¡¯t going to pick you over their father.¡± ¡°I wouldn¡¯t expect them to nor want them to. I would just hope they understand that mom and dad are better people with people who makes them happy. Then maybe when they get older, they will have a shot at their own happiness, and not have to go through what their parents have.¡± ¡°It¡¯s not easy for kids to see that honey.¡± ¡°I know I have my work cut out for me, but I do dream about being a part of their life one day. I would like it to be amicable between us so we could both work together for their best interests hopefully with the understanding of how much I love their mother.¡± ¡°Well, if you love her, I know I will.¡± She announced. ¡°Not that I support this because of my fears, you¡¯re my son, but I know your heart is always in the right place. It would be nice to have some grandkids one day.¡± ¡°It¡¯s a dream of mine for you two to meet one day. Just please don¡¯t worry about me. I¡¯ll be okay either way. There¡¯s nothing to worry about. We¡¯re just two nice people who fell in love and we¡¯re going to see if we can make it last forever otherwise I wouldn¡¯t be in this situation at all.¡± ¡°Okay Honey. Thanks for telling me. It¡¯s at least good that I know.¡± ¡°I hope so.¡± I replied, full of regret. I skirted around her ¡°grandkids¡± comment to avoid the issue for now. I could see her having a hard time understanding that I probably wouldn¡¯t have any kids and she might blame Anya for it. My mother knew I always wanted children, but now I wanted Anya more and it was that simple. I felt if I was meant to have kids, I would have had them by now as I believed they were no longer in the cards for me. I also didn¡¯t want to bring a child into this world and worry about them going through the same bad experiences I had to go through. I had grown to know this world for the most part was a heartless place and how I found love in a realm of such lovelessness was a miracle. All I truly needed was her love. It¡¯s all I wanted and I wouldn¡¯t be more blessed in this life if I had it. Having Anya in my life was equivalent to having several kids. I felt sad to disappoint my mother but it¡¯s my life, and I had to live it even when she¡¯s gone. I would have loved to have a kid by now, but God couldn¡¯t bring one decent available loving unselfish woman in thirty-six years that I had feelings for into my life. Sure, he brought me things in nice packages, but they were pretty much all rotten on the inside. They had lied and never appreciated the fact I was a decent guy instead questioning my authenticity and judging me for things other than what really matters over the long-term. I now had met one who I absolutely adored, who loved me for all the right reasons, and who I loved to be around more than anyone in this world. She was sweet, polite, beautiful inside and out, full of love and she was in awe of me? How could that be when I was so much in awe of her considering how much she had struggled, how much she had loved only to be badly hurt by the person she trusted the most in this world, and how much loneliness she felt without being alone. We were basically the same person just a different sex. She had only given to me, never taken from me, and that was a love anomaly, a true love, the kind you never take for granted, the kind you should wait for and are completely entitled to in this life. I believed this world was entirely wrong and somehow, by not giving up on it, something right about it found me. Over time, I believed my mom would truly see all I did already. After I visited with her for a couple of hours, on the drive home I decided to listen to the other CD Anya had given to me today. The one I listened to at home was a mixed CD, but the one I brought with me on my drive over were all songs by a singer named Michael Buble, who I had never heard before, but when I heard the words of the first song it was hard not to be moved knowing who gave me the opportunity to hear them. ¡°Here we are. On earth together It¡¯s you and I God has made us fall in love It¡¯s true. I¡¯ve really found someone like you.¡± When I heard the words, they left me speechless to see how a woman with this much beauty and love in her heart, enough to even think of burning this song for me, was left to deal with feelings of sadness instead of joy when she was pregnant and over the years before we met. It just broke my heart as I imagined her thoughts and the emptiness she felt for years. This empathy was foreign to me as I had never felt so in tune to the pain of someone else, but then again, I truly loved her as this feeling represented the ultimate measuring stick, above all others of truly being in love. While listening to each song she burned for me, I had the revelation this relationship was now my destiny, feeling fated to die soon, if not physically then mentally, individually, upon realizing all that was on the line¡ªthat this love would be the death of me in some way. It was entirely possible no one would ever trust me again, and I would forever be judged by the ignorance of people who knew, but I couldn¡¯t care because I felt I was no longer in control for I had completely fallen past the point of no return. This was who I was now, and quite frankly, who I had always been; bound by a love I could not only see but also feel. An all-consuming entity I couldn¡¯t turn my back on because it would desecrate all I ever believed in and stood for as I knew without a doubt I had come upon the defining moment of my life. As sure as these thoughts of Anya and I circulated in my head, my phone began to vibrate halfway through my journey back home¡ªa text from her. 10:22 p.m. ¡°Are you there? I need to talk to you. It¡¯s urgent. Please call me.¡± CHAPTER 6 ~ THE MODESTY OF A RAIN FALL ¡°And when you kiss me on the midnight street, sweep me off my feet, singing ain¡¯t this life so sweet.¡± ~ ¡°This Year¡¯s Love¡± David Gray After such a great day, upon receipt of Anya¡¯s text my heart began to pound aggressively as a cold nervousness swept throughout my body. This text came too late to be normal from her; something was definitely wrong. After a day of the highest of highs I prepared myself to be brought down far below earth as I held the mindset of expect the worst and hope for anything else. With every ring that went unanswered, it felt my phone was ready to slip through my hands as they shook beyond my control, and even though I almost hung up before the last ring, I held on. ¡°Thanks for calling me.¡± she greeted. ¡°No problem. What¡¯s going on?¡± I asked. ¡°I need to ask you something.¡± ¡°Okay. Sure.¡± ¡°Do you really love me?¡± ¡°What kind of question is that?¡± I said, laughing nervously. ¡°Are you serious? Of course, I do.¡± ¡°I just needed to hear it from you.¡± ¡°Why sweetheart? Am I doing something wrong?¡± I queried. ¡°No¡­but my husband is making this difficult for me.¡± she clarified. ¡°He¡¯s definitely suspicious. It¡¯s just that I¡¯m dealing with a lot of emotions right now, and I needed to hear your voice.¡± ¡°What do you think is making him suspicious?¡± ¡°Emotions are hard for me to hide, babe.¡± she explained. ¡°I¡¯m not a good actress.¡± ¡°I think I understand.¡± I said proud of the fact she was acting like an honest person but also concerned. ¡°Babe, I have to go.¡± She told me abruptly. ¡°Are you okay?¡± ¡°Yes, I¡¯m fine. Just know I love you very much.¡± ¡°I love you very much too.¡± I replied, meaning every single syllable. ¡°Well, have a goodnight my love.¡± ¡°Goodnight, Sweetheart.¡± As I hung up the phone, I knew another restless night would be upon me. I believed she was fine over there, but at the same time I truly didn¡¯t know what her husband was capable of and I began to worry about her. We lived in a violent crazy world, and I wasn¡¯t worried about what could happen to me, but a mother of two who I loved more than anything in this world, I had great fears for. If he did anything to her, even leaving the slightest mark or injury I would never forgive myself. I tried to sleep during the night but all I could do was toss and turn in anticipation of the morning to see if she was okay. It was times like these that intensified the missing on my end, and how to handle all the emotions involved was too foreign for me to handle well. When the clock struck five a.m., the time Anya usually woke up every morning, I texted her. ¡°Thinking about you.¡± I texted then sent. 5.15 a.m. ¡°You¡¯re always so sweet to think about me. Woke up at 3 a.m. thinking about you. Couldn¡¯t go back to sleep. Miss you, love you. Chat with you later.¡± Even when her texts were so sweet and they made me feel so good on the surface level, I had a hard time deciphering any possible underlying feelings from them. The fact she couldn¡¯t chat with me briefly led me to wonder if she truly was okay. Later that Wednesday morning however she helped ease my overthinking just before I went into the office. 9:42 a.m. ¡°Just thinking of you¡­have a good one!¡± After I received this message, I text her the following. ME: ¡°I don¡¯t expect you to feel the same way that I do. I know you have had many great days in your life but I just wanted you to know that yesterday was the best day of my life. It might sound pretty sad but it¡¯s true. I just wanted you to know how much yesterday meant to me. Thanks again for coming by.¡± ANYA:¡°I love you!¡± In response I text her back ¡°I love you!¡± and then drove to work while I held the knowledge today would be one of the longest days of my career because I had only one hour of sleep. When I got into my office I wanted to close my door and pass out cold for another couple of hours, but I had many work papers to review and a set of financial statements to draft on top of a deadline to meet before the end of the day. As I powered through the day, I found myself looking at Anya¡¯s ¡°I love you!¡± text just to keep me focused and motivated. It helped me realize there was a bigger picture here as the present day would soon be a part of my past in just twelve hours. Later that evening, when I was off of work and back at home, I received a text from Anya, and a text exchange ensued between us. 7:45 p.m. ¡°Hope you had a nice day sweets.¡± ME: ¡°I had a nice day. How was yours?¡± ANYA: ¡°I had a nice day with you on my mind. How are you feeling? Did you get sick babe?¡± ME: ¡°Nope. I told you I was impervious! How are you feeling?¡± ANYA: ¡°You are impervious! Then again my love, it¡¯s only Wednesday, and incubation period is 72 hours. I¡¯m feeling better thank you!¡± ME: ¡°Okay I will give you an impervious update in 48 hours! I¡¯m really happy to hear you¡¯re feeling better.¡± ANYA: ¡°I miss you.¡± ME: ¡°I miss you too. I hope things are going better for you over there with him.¡± ANYA: ¡°Thank you. Not easy. Don¡¯t worry about me babe. I¡¯m fine. Xoxo. Do you have any plans for the evening?¡± ME: ¡°I¡¯m just going to relax here at home. How about yourself?¡± ANYA: ¡°Quiet night. At the batting cages now with my son. We were playing catch earlier and he thinks I ¡°throw like a girl¡±! Thankless job I tell ya!¡± ME: ¡°Well, I guess he does have somewhat of a point Sweetheart. I mean let¡¯s face it, you are a girl therefore it¡¯s quite likely you throw like one.¡± ANYA: ¡°What an astute observation babe!¡± ME: ¡°Haha! I try! Sweetheart, did the call help you last night? Did I do okay there? ANYA: ¡°I loved it! I needed to hear your voice. Thank you for calling me. You should call me more often!¡± ME: ¡°Okay, you asked for it. You might want to change numbers.¡± ANYA: ¡°Why would I want to do that?¡± ME: ¡°Your phone may ring all day long. I love you, you know.¡± ANYA: ¡°Ha! I don¡¯t mind! Love you too! Well, I guess I better go.¡± ME: ¡°Okay, you have a goodnight.¡± ANYA: ¡°Have a goodnight too. I have to be honest, it was not an easy day for me. Just know you¡¯re always in my heart.¡± Upon the receipt of her last text, I knew I had to ask why she had a hard day. I didn¡¯t want to toss and turn all night thinking about these underlying feelings she had, and working on one hour of rest already with another long busy day ahead of me no doubt I would have been up all night again if I was left to wonder. I tried to just sweep it all under the rug, but I simply needed to know how she was really feeling and why so I sent her a probe text to see if she wanted to discuss it. ME: ¡°Would you mind if I asked you why it was such a hard day? You don¡¯t have to tell me if you don¡¯t want to. I¡¯d understand.¡± ANYA: ¡°Can you call me in ten minutes after I drop my son off at home?¡± ME: ¡°Sure. I¡¯ll call you.¡± All we did on Tuesday was basically talk on a thirty foot long wooden bridge at my apartment complex and it was simply the happiest memory I had ever created with someone. I absolutely loved being around her, and I know she had a hard time today because I did too. When you experience pure elation spending time with someone doing very normal things, it¡¯s extremely difficult to part especially knowing when you have no idea when you will see each other again. If she had a hard time focusing before Tuesday, I knew she would really struggle now simply because we experienced the same feelings. Still, I needed to know how it affected her because of the things I can¡¯t see when she is not with me. Even though I knew my phone call requests (for the most part so far) were never a good sign, it was important for me to embrace it in order to see her side of things. Communication means everything in every relationship, but it was paramount in ours because of the unknown variable when we were apart. The good and the bad had to be known because if we lost touch of being able to communicate our feelings to each other, this would never have a chance of working out. ¡°Hey there.¡± I said when I heard her pick up. ¡°Hey.¡± she replied softly. ¡°So why was today so hard for you?¡± I asked. ¡°My husband is watching me really closely.¡± she stated. ¡°It¡¯s just making things difficult for me.¡± ¡°Okay.¡± ¡°I don¡¯t want to sneak around babe. Maybe it would be better if I let you go. It¡¯s not because I don¡¯t love you or because I don¡¯t care. It¡¯s because I do.¡± ¡°This sure sounds awfully familiar.¡± I said with a little bit of a laugh. ¡°I think I should do the right thing and leave him first.¡± There were two things now at play for me, my enormous feelings for her and my belief that if she stayed she would never choose happiness. The bottom line was this; I knew what she wanted. ¡°Kids are resilient, nothing is impossible. I hurt every day because I miss you so much¡± rang loud and clear in my head. I knew letting me go was not what she truly wanted and I realized the task now, after a lifetime of taking things personally, was to not take this personally. My job was to get her to listen to herself so she could help her help herself. I had to somehow find a way to reach her, to get her to fear a life of dishonesty and to give her the fortitude and courage to live an honest one. I didn¡¯t want to push her at all but my heart was involved now too. It wasn¡¯t easy to just walk away when every part of me knew what she truly wanted and needed as I believed her heart was into this just as much as mine, and I wasn¡¯t going to leave her hanging out to dry with so many feelings; feelings that were worth having and holding onto. I had to dig deeper as I believed there was a bigger issue here. ¡°Can I ask you a question sweetheart?¡± ¡°Yes babe.¡± ¡°Where are you truly the happiest?¡± I asked. ¡°With you.¡± she responded without a second¡¯s hesitation. ¡°Then is this really what you want? To let us go?¡± ¡°No, but I¡¯m scared.¡± ¡°What scares you sweetheart? You can tell me. You can tell me anything. Brutal honesty is all I ask from you.¡± ¡°Have you ever seen the TV show ¡°House?¡± she asked. ¡°I¡¯ve heard of it but have never watched it.¡± ¡°There was this one episode I watched last night where a married woman left her husband for another man, but once she left her husband, the man bailed out on her. It scared me.¡± ¡°But that¡¯s not me Sweetheart. I would never do that to you. Just like it shouldn¡¯t cheat on them, love doesn¡¯t do that to anyone. You know, I may have never felt love before but I can tell you this; I know what love is. When I tell you ¡°I love you¡±, I mean what I say and say what I mean. I am truly in love with you. It¡¯s not my character to tell people things I don¡¯t feel. I don¡¯t believe I¡¯m like any other man you¡¯ve ever met, and I¡¯m especially not a man who would bail on a woman after she took a huge leap of faith for me. Can you trust me? Because Sweetheart if you can¡¯t, then I have no choice but to let you go.¡± ¡°I trust you.¡± ¡°You told me that you would never leave or choose happiness if I wasn¡¯t there for you, and I can¡¯t let you go through the rest of your life without something you need to get through it. Look, just go about your day. My love for you is not going anywhere. You mean way too much to me. We can slow things down a bit if you need to, but I don¡¯t want you to leave because I know what you want, and one day I will prove to you all that I know what you need. It¡¯s just going to take some time and some faith.¡± ¡°Okay babe.¡± ¡°I love you.¡± ¡°I love you too. I¡¯ll do my best to stay positive.¡± ¡°We have to both be positive about this. We have to believe we are doing the right thing. If not, if we can¡¯t believe in our love, then it¡¯s better if we parted ways.¡± ¡°I believe in our love.¡± she announced. ¡°I don¡¯t want to do anything you don¡¯t want to do. I dream about being with you. It¡¯s hard for me to be patient when I miss you this much. It¡¯s not easy at home right now. I just want to run to you and never leave. I can¡¯t hide my emotions and I think he senses that. I just have to control my feelings better and try to act rational¡­it¡¯s for the best.¡± ¡°Sweetheart, this love we have is one I¡¯ve been looking a long time for and let me tell you something¡­it¡¯s hard to come by. This is a once in a lifetime feeling and we have to both believe in that. People throughout history had written stories and have even died for this kind of love. We can¡¯t just let it slip away. I am trying really hard not to distract you so it doesn¡¯t affect you at home. I¡¯m not distracting you am I?¡± ¡°You¡¯re not doing anything to distract me. I just can¡¯t help thinking about you.¡± she said. ¡°I agree. I think you¡¯re right in that our kind of love is hard to come by. I¡¯ll try to be patient my love.¡± ¡°You¡¯re a special person Anya, the most beautiful person I had ever met, and I don¡¯t want to lose you. I don¡¯t know if it¡¯s a good idea to tell you this but I will; there were so many times before I met you that I didn¡¯t even want to get out of bed in the morning. Yes, I have a career and all that but without love in my life, I have nothing. Without your love I feel like I¡¯m nothing and its made me see how empty my life has been the last thirty seven years¡­I guess you would have to go through your life not ever feeling love to understand that about me. You¡¯ve given my life a real purpose and I appreciate all the kindness and warmth you have shown in just two months. You¡¯re always thinking of me, always so considerate, but I want you to think about you too. What you want and you know what? I¡¯ll think you¡¯ll find out what you want is all you really deserve too.¡± ¡°You just made me tear up. You¡¯re a dream. Can¡¯t believe this is real. I¡¯m a lucky girl.¡± she said. ¡°Thank you for being in my life. You always make me feel special. I love you.¡± ¡°I love you too.¡± ¡°Thanks for calling me my love. I better go. Have a goodnight.¡± ¡°Goodnight, Sweetheart.¡± And that¡¯s all it took; one simple phone call to obtain a good night¡¯s rest. Before I fell asleep, while I laid on my bed and got lost within the plain whiteness of my ceiling, I thought about all those days of past disappointments that seemed to hang around my neck like a noose, just waiting for me to slip. My brain did not handle loss well. I always battled back eventually, and rallied, but after Lexi, I thought that would be my last chance at redemption in life. No one ever had to crucify me, I was more than willing to nail myself to a cross if I had a chance to at that time. Now though I saw myself through lenses of gold instead of black as I took a stand for what I believed to be right as I tried to reverse the backward momentum the world had spun on for far too long. As I started to feel a real sense of purpose, I began to care less about the real world around me, the one I used to care about that punished me on a daily basis. Even though I was within an atmosphere ripe for popular judgment and the blind would not see things my way, I knew true righteousness was on my side and just like any biblical apostle, all I had to do was show others not only what my eyes had seen but also what my heart had felt; that my truth was the truth. I was not a sheep; one to obey the rules, absolutely, but to follow the crowd, absolutely not. The only part of a herd I belonged to was my own, and a huge reason I was alone for so long. Love what you''re reading? Discover and support the author on the platform they originally published on. The next day was another long workday for me, nothing out of the ordinary during the month of January. The firm had begun its busy season which ended on the holiest of holy days for CPA firms, April fifteenth. Busy season days required us to work roughly twelve hour days including Saturdays with Sunday being our only real day off, however I usually worked Sundays as well because I wanted to get ahead. I was an ambitious man but not overly ambitious as being rich wasn¡¯t my motivation. My only motivation was to be able to provide for a family one day with the only goal being to have enough money to feel safe and secure. I understood money meant something in this world but it wasn¡¯t everything. The million dollar a year partner position was not even on my radar when I first started my career, but that¡¯s how life is, you have to expect the unexpected. As I was beginning to wrap up for the evening, Anya unexpectedly called me to ask if I would be able to meet up with her next Thursday evening. ¡°What time on Thursday night and where?¡± I asked. ¡°About nine in Cerritos. Caryoln, Debbie and I are meeting at an RJ¡¯s near the Cerritos Mall. We¡¯re training for a half marathon so we¡¯re going to catch a movie on marathons before we go to RJ¡¯s. The movie starts at six and the theater is near the mall.¡± ¡°That¡¯s perfect. I should be off work by eight. I¡¯ll be there.¡± ¡°Okay!¡± she said. ¡°Babe, I have to let you know a couple of things.¡± ¡°Alright.¡± ¡°I have a business trip up north planned that weekend. I have to meet up with my husband Saturday evening but I¡¯ll be back Sunday afternoon. I also can¡¯t kiss you because I still have my cold sore plus we¡¯re out in public. Is that going to be a problem for you?¡± ¡°Are you kidding me?¡± I answered excitedly. ¡°I just can¡¯t wait to see you again!¡± ¡°Great! I can¡¯t wait to see you too! So excited!¡± ¡°That makes two of us!¡± I exclaimed. ¡°Can¡¯t wait my love. Thank you. Okay, I have to go now. Goodnight. I love you.¡± ¡°Okay, goodnight. I love you too.¡± My days were definitely no longer normal as good news now awaited me at the end of long work days; days that were usually spent alone with no future plans with anyone. The situation worked out in a weird way because even though we were both so busy, our planned meetings gave us something to look forward to, something to work for, and something to live for. Even though Thursday was a week away, I knew it would be well worth the wait. When Thursday finally arrived as I wrapped up my work for the day and was set to exit the office, my staff person, Nikki, who had set me up on the date with Lexi, stopped by my office to ask me a question as apparently I found myself again caught up in my aloofness. ¡°Mr. Lastman¡­ you¡¯re leaving already? It¡¯s only a quarter to eight!¡± ¡°Oh I have a place to be at this evening. Did you need anything? How are we coming along?¡± ¡°Things are going well.¡± ¡°What time did you come in this morning?¡± ¡°Seven. I wrapped up cash and all of AR today.¡± ¡°Wow. You¡¯re an all-star.¡± I said as I was shocked at her progress. ¡°Go home will you?¡± ¡°I thought you wanted me to wrap up AP by today as well?¡± ¡°I set my staff engagement requirements a little higher than normal so it challenges you guys to meet them¡­don¡¯t tell anyone my secret okay?¡± ¡°You mean I¡¯m ahead of schedule?¡± ¡°Let¡¯s just say you¡¯ve met the high end work requirement for my staff on this engagement. How¡¯s that?¡± ¡°I¡¯ll guess I¡¯ll take it.¡± she laughed. ¡°Good. Now get out of my office and go home.¡± I said. ¡°and oh, I almost forgot¡­¡± ¡°What¡¯s that Mr. Lastman?¡± she asked. ¡°What did you forget?¡± ¡°Good work and thank you.¡± ¡°Mr. Lastman can I ask you a question?¡± ¡°No more questions. Last time I answered a question¡­¡± ¡°Okay, can I make a statement then?¡± ¡°A statement. Well in that case¡­¡± ¡°It¡¯s nice to see you¡­ happy.¡± ¡°Happy? Am I ever in a bad mood?¡± ¡°No, it¡¯s just that I can tell somethin¡¯s different.¡± ¡°What makes you think that?¡± ¡°Well, you were just whistling before I came in here.¡± ¡°You¡¯ve never heard me whistle before?¡± ¡°No.¡± she said. ¡°You never whistle and I¡¯ve been here for over a year now.¡± ¡°You know what. I think you¡¯re right. I never whistle. You got me.¡± I said as I threw my laptop bag over my shoulder and began to walk out. ¡°Good evening Nikki!¡± ¡°Are you in love or something?¡± she blurted as I walked by her. I stopped in my tracks and looked back at Nikki. In her widened eyes, I saw how much my perceived happiness meant to her, but because they danced too, that perceived happiness could only be described as real happiness to me, as I could see how much my being in love affected the people around me. How it appeared to give them hope. Even though I never mentioned a word about it and it wasn¡¯t her fault at all, I felt Nikki still carried the burden of introducing me to Lexi and having it not work out. This was my chance to lighten the load if I was half right about this sentiment. ¡°In love.¡± I said as I looked at her, looked down to gather my thoughts further, and back at her. ¡°Am I ever.¡± ¡°I am so happy for you!¡± she said. ¡°I would love to hear all about it!¡± ¡°One day I will tell you, but let¡¯s keep it between us for now okay? Kevin is the only other person here who knows.¡± I said. ¡°Hey Nikki, I gotta go, I¡¯m runnin¡¯ late.¡± ¡°Okay Mr. Lastman! Have a fun time!¡± ¡°Thanks! See you tomorrow!¡± I doubted I would ever be able to tell Nikki the details of my relationship, but I knew the dilemma would fall upon me soon enough especially when more people at the office knew I was in love but I had to treat my love interest as if she was Snuffleuppagus from Sesame Street. Under a steady downpour, I still arrived at RJ¡¯s in Cerritos thirty minutes early at eight thirty however upon my entry into the restaurant, and much to my surprise, I saw Anya, Carolyn and Debbie already perched on stools in the bar area which caught me completely off guard. They looked like they were having an animated conversation and I almost walked back to my car to wait for thirty more minutes as to not disrupt their time together, but I missed Anya and an extra half hour with her meant the world to me if it was possible to have. Anya, dressed in a white top with her beautiful dark hair flowing past her shoulders, had her arm on the neck of the open bar stool next to her. Carolyn, who sat next to Anya was dressed in a yellow cashmere sweater, while Debbie donned a light blue long sleeved top as she sat next to Carolyn. Their conversation consisted of mainly laughter so from what I could tell they were all in jovial moods. I felt almost inconsiderate to intrude on their time together as it seemed like they were having a lot of fun, but when I saw Anya sitting there with her arm on the empty bar stool as if she was afraid someone would take it from her, I felt less fearful to approach them. I wanted to embrace all three of them at once but I was clearly there for one. ¡°Good evening, ladies.¡± I said cautiously when I reached them. ¡°Hey!¡± said Carolyn. ¡°Hi!¡± said Debbie. Anya said nothing. She just beamed at me as if I was Brad Pitt. I had never felt a warmer reception in my life from anyone before and it was done in silence. ¡°I saved you a seat.¡± announced Anya after I greeted Carolyn and Debbie. ¡°Thank you.¡± I replied before lightly rubbing her back. ¡°So good to see you. Thanks for coming.¡± Said Anya as she leaned into me. ¡°Thanks for inviting me! How was the movie?¡± ¡°It was okay. We left early. We¡¯ve been here for about an hour.¡± ¡°No kidding? Oh well, at least you get some time to talk with one another. Hard to do that in a movie theater.¡± I said. ¡°Oh, we run in the morning together. We talk all the time.¡± said Anya. ¡°How are you Landyn?¡± asked Carolyn who was the closest to me. ¡°I¡¯m great Carolyn. How are you?¡± ¡°I¡¯m good. Very busy at the hospital these days.¡± she said. ¡°Oh, what do you do for a living?¡± ¡°I¡¯m a doctor.¡± Carolyn revealed. ¡°I bring a lot of babies into the world.¡± ¡°It takes a special person to do that kind of work. Very admirable.¡± ¡°How was your work babe?¡± asked Anya to me. ¡°Oh, it was a good. No complaints. How was your day?¡± ¡°It was good, but now it¡¯s great.¡± she exclaimed as she leaned into me to further whisper into my ear. ¡°I love you.¡± ¡°I love you.¡± I whispered back. It was subtle, just a simple delicate ¡°I love you¡± and it drowned me as the noise of the bar area seemed to disappear along with all its patrons. As Anya¡¯s gaze never left mine we got lost within our eyes as if to leave us disconnected from our bodies for a few seconds so we could see into each other¡¯s soul. ¡°Did you ask him?¡± interrupted Carolyn. ¡°Not yet.¡± responded Anya. ¡°I will.¡± ¡°Ask him now!¡± Debbie added. ¡°Okaaaaay!¡± conceded Anya. ¡°Ask me what?¡± ¡°They want to know if you would meet us at Paseo¡¯s next Saturday night.¡± ¡°All of you are goin'' to Paseo¡¯s?¡± ¡°Yes!¡± responded Carolyn. ¡°It would be really nice if you could join us Landyn.¡± ¡°Is she going to be there?¡± I pointed at Anya. ¡°Ha! Of course she¡¯ll be there!¡± responded Debbie. ¡°I¡¯ll have to think about it then and get back to you.¡± ¡°Yeah right!¡± Anya said as she again leaned into me. ¡°Was this some kind of trick question?¡± I exclaimed. ¡°Any time I get to see her you can always count me in.¡± ¡°Cool! It¡¯s a date then.¡± said Debbie. ¡°for all of us!¡± ¡°Sounds like fun.¡± I said. ¡°I wonder if Michael will show up?¡± pondered Carolyn. ¡°Oh, stop it!¡± said Anya. ¡°Michael?¡± I asked. ¡°Anya hasn¡¯t told you?¡± asked Debbie. ¡°She hasn¡¯t mentioned anything?¡± asked Carolyn. ¡°Not at all.¡± I said a little worried. ¡°Anya, you better tell him!¡± pushed Carolyn. ¡°He doesn¡¯t want to hear about it.¡± ¡°Hear about what?¡± I laughed. ¡°You better tell him the whole story Anya.¡± said Debbie as she stood from her seat. ¡°I told Paul I¡¯d be home by nine. I have to go.¡± ¡°Me too. I have some things to do before I go to bed and I¡¯m on call at the hospital.¡± stated Carolyn. ¡°What time are we meeting up tomorrow for our run? Five?¡± asked Anya. ¡°Around five. I¡¯ll swing by your house to pick you up¡± said Carolyn as she also stood. ¡°Okay I¡¯ll be ready. I¡¯ll be freezing but I¡¯ll be ready.¡± said Anya. ¡°Thanks for staying with me.¡± ¡°Have fun.¡± Carolyn said to Anya and I. ¡°Have a goodnight. Good seeing you Landyn.¡± ¡°Nice to see you again Landyn. Goodnight.¡± said Debbie. ¡°Goodnight. Good seeing you both. Be safe it¡¯s wet out there.¡± I said. ¡°See you in the morning!¡± said Anya. ¡°Bye!¡± waved Carolyn as her and Debbie made their exit. ¡°It was nice to see them.¡± I said. ¡°Too bad they had to leave so soon.¡± ¡°You¡¯ll get to hang with them next Saturday night.¡± She said with a smile. ¡°Now who¡¯s this Michael character?¡± I asked. ¡°Should I be worried?¡± ¡°Oh, those crazy girls.¡± she said. ¡°They¡¯re just teasing me about Michael Buble.¡± ¡°Michael Buble? The singer from the CD you burned for me?¡± ¡°Ya.¡± ¡°Why are they teasing you about him?¡± I asked. ¡°He¡¯s phenomenal by the way.¡± ¡®You liked his music babe?¡± ¡°I sure did. Great singer.¡± ¡°I¡¯m glad you liked him.¡± she said. ¡°I was worried you may not have.¡± ¡°No way. In fact, I must say every CD you¡¯ve burned for me I¡¯ve liked so far. Thank you.¡± ¡°You¡¯re most welcome.¡± she said. ¡°Before you came the girls were teasing me about Buble because he has a girlfriend now.¡± ¡°Why would they tease you about that? Do you have a little crush on him?¡± ¡°Like most girls do babe. I¡¯ve always loved his music. I went and saw him in concert a few months ago, just before we reconnected.¡± she said. ¡°With ten thousand or so people there that night, he went into the crowd and brought me on stage and sang to me the entire night. The girls were just teasing me about him having a girlfriend now.¡± I didn¡¯t know what to say. Anya was a beautiful woman no doubt. Her looks were magnetic and when you got to know her, that magnetic quality turned into a full on gravitational pull. It¡¯s a good thing Michael Buble didn¡¯t get to know her because I¡¯m sure he would have gave her the world. There was a lot of truth to what the girls said even though they teased her, but I had to admit it made me feel insecure as I had no idea I¡¯d have to compete against actual celebrity heart throbs, and even though I didn¡¯t know who Buble was nor had I ever seen what he looked like, his voice and Anya¡¯s crush told me all I needed to know about him and surely more than I wanted to know. ¡°Well, if it means anything.¡± I said. ¡°I¡¯m glad he¡¯s found a girlfriend.¡± ¡°Oh babe, stop it. They are just teasing me. You know that¡¯s not an option.¡± ¡°What happened at the end of the night?¡± I asked. ¡°Were you able to talk with him?¡± ¡°After the show he invited me to go backstage but I just thanked him then told him I was married.¡± I almost choked on the air I inhaled when she told me that. I didn¡¯t know what to think. She told Michael Buble, a famous male celebrity who women all over the world were mad about, that she was married? Then I realized something pretty significant; she never told me she was married, in fact my friend had to put her in a position to do that. To be honest, with my low self-esteem, I could have found several ways to see this, yet I trusted Anya¡¯s love for me so much that I honestly could not see it any other way but to be extremely flattered. ¡°Michael Buble. Eat your heart out.¡± I said as I took a sip of my drink. ¡°Ha! You¡¯re so cute babe.¡± ¡°Hey. There will be no talk of cute here. Dogs are cute.¡± ¡°Okay, handsome.¡± she said excitedly as she gazed into my eyes again. ¡°I guess that will have to do.¡± I joked confidently. Suddenly Anya¡¯s cell phone began to move on the bar, and the gaze she gave me broke as she looked down to retrieve the vibrating mood wrecker. ¡°I have to take this babe. I¡¯m sorry.¡± ¡°No problem sweetheart.¡± ¡°What do you want?¡± she asked softly but sternly. ¡°I told you I¡¯ll be there by seven tomorrow evening. Can¡¯t we talk about this tomorrow? Why is this important now?¡± At first, I feared by the way she spoke that it was one of her children and I felt saddened that she may have taken that tone with them because this time alone together was precious. The more she spoke though, and I tried to be respectful by minding my own business and not listen, the words ¡®business trip¡± and ¡°itinerary¡± led me to conclude that the other person on the line was none other than her husband. When I learned it was him, I turned the other way. I didn¡¯t want to hear anything. The less I knew the better off I was, and this was their business, not mine. A few minutes later she hung up with a terse ¡°goodbye¡±, and I could tell by the redness in her cheeks she was flustered with what just transpired. ¡°I¡¯m so sorry babe.¡± she said. ¡°He never calls me. Now he does. Drives me crazy.¡± ¡°No worries.¡± I said as I rubbed her back. ¡°Don¡¯t let it bother you.¡± ¡°Thanks. I worry that it bothers you.¡± ¡°Not at all so please don¡¯t let it bother you. I understand.¡± I said as I tried to make her feel better. ¡°There was this one time, before I had Katie, my husband and I went out on a dinner date with a couple who were friends of ours.¡± she said. ¡°My husband went to use the restroom during dinner and so did the wife of the other couple. When they were gone her husband, who was a good friend of my husband and was an oral surgeon, leaned over to me and said ¡°take a chance with me.¡± ¡°Really.¡± I said surprised by her revelation. ¡°Do you think he knew about your husband¡¯s infidelities?¡± ¡°I don¡¯t think so.¡± ¡°How would that come about then?¡± ¡°I¡¯m a girl. It happens.¡± she said. I had to admit her story was bothersome to me simply because her husband¡¯s good friend had no knowledge of the infidelities. I just found this story of friendship to be rather bizarre and I felt like Anya wasn¡¯t telling me something. How that went down without some kind of prior history between them all puzzled me, but I decided to not let my low self-esteem make me appear to be the jealous type so out of fear I could ask the wrong thing, I decided not to say anything further, but it was clear Anya was part of a world I did not understand, a world I was certain it was best not to. After about twenty seconds of silence, Anya turned to me. ¡°Babe, I don¡¯t want to leave but I have to get going. I¡¯d like to make it home before my kids fall asleep.¡± ¡°Absolutely.¡± I said as I stood and took a last sip of my drink. ¡°I would never want to keep you from that.¡± As Anya stood, I reached for her coat on the back of her stool and helped her put it on. As we walked out together, we could hear the rain as we stood under the only thing that kept us dry. ¡°I don¡¯t know what it is about the rain here that makes people suddenly want to jump in rivers.¡± I stated randomly. ¡°What do you mean?¡± she began to laugh. ¡°Jump in rivers?¡± ¡°It just seems like every time it rains here people get crazy. They even forget how to drive. I had no idea Los Angeles even had a river until it rains, and I hear people needing to be rescued from it.¡± ¡°You do have a point.¡± she said. ¡°But I don¡¯t think people are jumping in rivers babe.¡± ¡°No?¡± I joked. ¡°I think they¡¯re just at the wrong place at the wrong time.¡± ¡°Okay.¡± I conceded. ¡°If you say so.¡± ¡°Do you like the rain?¡± ¡°You know, I don¡¯t like it. It¡¯s such an inconvenience.¡± I said. ¡°I¡¯m more of a sun and beach weather type guy.¡± ¡°I like that weather too, but I love the rain.¡± she said. ¡°Just listen to it fall babe. It¡¯s so soothing¡­rejuvenating. Imagine being warm and cozy inside; by a fireplace listening to it fall against the window. The flames dancing quietly, the wood softly crackling, the room dimly lit only by a fire, and the sound of the rain falling gently outside. That¡¯s the way I see the rain.¡± Looking into her eyes, I pictured the scene she painted with her words, and for the first time ever I found something beautiful in something I disliked, and I was one step closer to never being the same way again. ¡°I never knew there was beauty in the rain.¡± I told her. ¡°Until now.¡± ¡°There¡¯s beauty in most things if you think positively about them.¡± ¡°I couldn¡¯t agree with your more.¡± As the rain seemed to fall harder and harder, we stayed under a wooden overpass outside the restaurant and waited for the rain to let up. I wanted to hold her so bad but we were outside in public, and near her home. She then turned to me after a minute and spoke softly as she probably tuned into my thoughts. ¡°Let¡¯s go inside my car for a minute until the rain slows down.¡± ¡°Okay. Where are you parked?¡± I asked. ¡°Just a couple hundred or so feet away.¡± she said as she opened her umbrella and motioned for me to get under it with her. ¡°Follow me.¡± As we began our journey to her car, I felt awful I had forgotten my umbrella but I had no idea it was going to rain today, but I should have known because I washed my car the day before, and whenever I did that, there was always a one hundred percent chance of showers. When we reached her car, a black Range Rover she must use to drive the kids around in, we both jumped hurriedly inside. Now out of the public eye, and on a dark and rainy night which told us there probably weren¡¯t many people around to see us, we leaned over the center console to embrace each other for the first time this evening. ¡°I¡¯ve been wanting to do that all night.¡± she said. ¡°it hurts that I can¡¯t at least hug you when I see you.¡± ¡°I know the feeling¡­but we¡¯re together now and that makes it alright.¡± ¡°I agree babe.¡± she said as she reached for something on the side of her door. ¡°I have something for you.¡± She then handed me two items, a small pink book and another CD. ¡°Thanks Sweetheart.¡± I said. ¡°You sure have been doing a lot of giving. All I¡¯ve been doing is a lot of taking.¡± ¡°You¡¯ve given me a lot babe.¡± ¡°Like what?¡± I asked incredulously. ¡°Hope.¡± she said. After she said that word I paused, and hugged her again, kissed her on her cheek then whispered in her ear. ¡°You¡¯ve given me that too.¡± I said. ¡°Thanks for coming tonight. I¡¯m really flattered you came.¡± ¡°Why would that be so flattering?¡± I asked. ¡°Well, you came to see me without any motive.¡± ¡°What do you mean?¡± I asked. ¡°I wanted to see you.¡± ¡°I know but you came knowing you couldn¡¯t kiss me. You let me come visit you on Tuesday knowing you couldn¡¯t kiss me. You have no ulterior motives or any hidden agendas. You¡¯ve shown me you care. Thank you.¡± ¡°Well, it¡¯s easy to do because you¡¯re the best thing in my life.¡± I stated. ¡°I love seeing you. I love listening to you. I love talking to you. I love you for all the right reasons and anytime I spend with you is valuable to me.¡± ¡°I love you.¡± she said softly. ¡°I love you too.¡± After holding each other in silence for another minute, I then pulled away and looked at the pink book I held in my hand. When I saw the title, I began to laugh. ¡°¡±Girls are Weirdos but They Smell Pretty¡±? That¡¯s the name of this book?¡± ¡°Ha! Aren¡¯t we all and don¡¯t we all?¡± she said. ¡°Yes! It¡¯s funny!¡± ¡°The Weirdo part of it I must agree.¡± I joked. ¡°Ha! My daughter came home with it today. Carolyn, Debbie and I couldn¡¯t stop laughing when we read it so I went to the bookstore and picked up a copy for you. I thought you might like it.¡± I began to skim then read aloud some of the funnier passages which were written simply, humorously and rather matter of factly by a guy who poked fun at the idiosyncrasies and tendencies of girls, such as having too many shoes and loving the color pink too much. With every passage I read Anya and I laughed more and more. I had never really heard Anya¡¯s true laugh before. She didn¡¯t bellow out her laughter nor did she go into hysterics, it was just a cute giddy laugh which pleased my sense of hearing. As I sat in her car, and continued reading aloud, I learned a lot about what tickled her and even the kind of person she was, considering the book was poking fun at her in a lot of ways as she was the total ¡°girlie girl¡± type the author clearly poked fun of. The best thing about this time together though was how we could be ourselves and I have to say nothing in my life has ever felt better than having that kind of safety with another human being. After we were done, about ten minutes later, we decided to begin our goodbyes for the evening. ¡°Thanks for the book and the CD.¡± I said. ¡°Any particular track I should listen to on here?¡± ¡°You¡¯re welcome babe. Check out track number four; This Year¡¯s Love. It¡¯s one of my favorite songs.¡± ¡°I¡¯ll be sure to do that.¡± I said. ¡°Thanks for coming out again. I love you!¡± ¡°I love you too! Please drive safe and text me so I know you got home safe if its possible.¡± ¡°I will babe.¡± ¡°Oh and please do me one more favor?¡± ¡°What¡¯s that?¡± she asked. "If you could, please fight the urge to jump into a river on the way home." I said as I quickly closed her car''s door and waved goodbye to her while she shook her head, smiled and then waved back. On my drive home as the rain pelted my windshield, I decided to put in my CD and went directly to track four. The rain that fell outside seemed to be an accompaniment as I was greeted by a delicate piano and when I heard the concise words of the song it felt as if I was outside of my car in the middle of the downpour. ¡°This year¡¯s love had better last. Heaven knows it¡¯s high time. And I¡¯ve been waiting on my own for too long. But when you hold me like you do It feels so right. I start to forget How my heart gets torn When that hurt gets thrown Feeling like you can¡¯t go on.¡± The more I listened to the song, the more it infected me and I even began to tear up because the words were just so real and poignant as it seemed to provide a detailed description of the hurt Anya had possibly felt. It just broke my heart to no end to know a married woman felt on her own, lonely, and to me, that was a real tragedy in life, a fate I had to save her from. The more she opened herself up to me, either through her musical taste or through her words, it felt like her love was a tsunami generated wave, one that gained momentum and strength through the passing of time. This year¡¯s love for her was not going anywhere. It was always going to be there for her no matter what pain I¡¯d have to endure, and no matter what lied ahead. If it meant I would lose my life, I was ready to die for her happiness. When I finally reached my garage, I noticed she had sent me a text while on my drive. 10:24 p.m. ¡°I made it home safely. I hope you did too. Thanks for coming out, had a great time! I love you L! Goodnight!¡± I exchanged the same pleasantries with her and smiled until a thought froze me solid as realized I was confronted with an obstacle I horrendously forgot to consider when I was asked to meet at Paseo¡¯s next Saturday night. I then suddenly and instinctively began to think of ways I could back out due to the real fear that this could all blow up in my face because of the presence of one person who could care less about Anya¡¯s happiness¡­Mitchell Black. CHAPTER 7 ~ A CALL TO FIGHT ¡°Lay beside me now and tell me lies. Sweet Lies. As long as it¡¯s not about love.¡± ~ ¡°As Long As it¡¯s Not About Love¡± Dio Nearly two months had passed since I last visited Paseo¡¯s on November thirtieth, the night I reconnected with Anya. I didn¡¯t believe much had changed with Mitch since then, and I didn¡¯t expect his visiting habits to suddenly transform by January twenty-sixth either. He was a creature of habit and Mitch adored Paseo¡¯s as much as I adored Anya, but his loyal patronage presented a massive obstacle for me because of his disdain for her. I knew what she represented to him and she was the type of woman he loved to hate. The problem was though he didn¡¯t know her and furthermore, that I loved her. I was puzzled however with the knowledge that not only did he love hanging out at Paseo¡¯s, but he especially enjoyed hanging out there with me as I was surprised I hadn¡¯t received a phone call from him in nearly two months. I¡¯ve been known to drop off the face of the earth for a few weeks here and there, but not for two months straight so I held out some hope that maybe he met someone and was on hiatus which happened from time to time, but much like the ocean to the shore, I also knew he¡¯d always came back. I had worked hard in getting to know Anya, and had come to learn through her what real love felt like; how integral it was to my being, and these gut wrenching times apart would be almost impossible to stomach if I had lost her for good because of his animosity towards her. I didn¡¯t want to get upset at Mitch; I understood where he was coming from somewhat, but at the same time I had to draw the line. He needed to know his attitude towards her was not only unappreciated but entirely unacceptable especially when you consider he had dated his fair share of married women before. I know he may have expected more out of me and didn¡¯t want to see me fall in the same quagmire he was involved with, but I believed he was ignorant to my world and he had no right to ruin it from where he stood. He dated married women for kicks, to get laid, and for completely selfish reasons. This was an anomaly for me, and far from the norm. I even said good-bye to her because she was married, but when I made my decision to give our love a chance, I did it because I wanted to be with her forever, not just a day out of the week. Mitch was a true home wrecker in my book. He had no means to take care of any children these women may have had, and if one of these women left her husband to be with him, he would be the type to bail on her like that character did on the show ¡°House.¡±. Heck, for all I knew, that character could¡¯ve been based on Mitch and he received royalties from the show every week. He never thought for a moment in his quest to administer me advice how his reckless libido affected several lives, and that¡¯s what bothered me the most about him and his disdain for Anya; he never considered his own role, and treated her as if she was like all the other married women he dated. The bottom line is I feared we would butt heads if he found out I was now dating her. I knew he would try to make our night miserable, and it was the only reason I contemplated backing out. The next morning after out meeting at RJ¡¯s Anya text me. 8:43 a.m. ¡°Good morning! Thought I¡¯d say hello since I can¡¯t talk to you until tomorrow night. Hope you got some sleep! You made my night!¡± With my morning now off to a great start, I text her back. ME: ¡°I slept well when I finally came down from the high of seeing you last night! I had a great time. It was just so nice to see you. How did you sleep? I miss you.¡± ANYA: ¡°I didn¡¯t get much sleep, up thinking about you. Miss you very much, wanted so much to kiss you last night.¡± ME: ¡°Sorry to hear you didn¡¯t get much sleep. Thank you for the CD. I listened to it on the way home. You were right about ¡°This Year¡¯s Love.¡± I loved that song. Is it just me or does every love song I listen to now relates in some way to us? Do you get that sense too?¡± ANYA: ¡°Ever since I fell for you, I feel like every love song I listen to was written for us.¡± ME: ¡°I feel the same way. It¡¯s just crazy how every song I listen to now seems to capture all these feelings. I never paid attention to the lyrics much but now I do.¡± ANYA: ¡°Never totally understood love songs until now. There¡¯s a reason why people write so many love songs. It¡¯s all about love. Have a great day! Until tomorrow¡­A¡± it¡¯s ¡°all about love¡±; the key to a person¡¯s progress, the key to living the richest of lives. I had found when you truly love someone, not only do you love them, but you also fall in love with life; it makes you passionate about every single breath, and it makes you realize to live a life without love, is to almost live a life recklessly, like getting behind the wheel of a car with a blood alcohol content of thirty percent EVERYDAY. I couldn¡¯t tell you how much I had changed as a person at this time, but I could tell you I was no longer recognizable to myself. Sure, I looked the same on the outside but on the inside I was an entirely different person. I suddenly had it all together; I knew what I wanted and I knew what I needed. The only void in my life was now gone as I was made whole by a person I wholly loved. Now, I was ready to spread the happiness I felt to others for the first time in my life as the thing that bothered me the most about my dreary days was that I never brought joy to others around me. I wanted everyone to be tangled up in the same web with me so they could be devoured by life like I was, and to live such a non-compassionate life was not a way to live, and I¡¯m sure Anya had felt the same way before she met me. Love was essential in life, and was always a good thing regardless of the situation; that much I was certain of now, and if this relationship was anything less than love, then nothing in our situation could have been more wrong. Throughout that entire week and even up until Saturday arrived, I nearly told Anya I wouldn¡¯t be able to make it as I felt Mitch showing up at Paseo¡¯s that evening was as automatic as the sunrise. I then stumbled upon the idea of calling him and playing a game of reverse psychology, but then I got cold feet thinking if there was a chance he wasn¡¯t going there lately that if he heard from me, he would now be inspired to go. If I called him however I could ascertain if he¡¯s going to be there or not, and if he was going, then maybe I could bail on meeting them there on Saturday night knowing I probably did the right thing. Then again, I did tell them I would go and I didn¡¯t want to be perceived by them as the kind of guy who broke promises, especially knowing their dear friend was burned by a man who broke promises to her. As this great internal debate raged inside I decided to just take my chances that Mitch might not be there, and things would work out just fine. Positive thoughts had to run through my mind and the negative needed to be flushed out completely. If I couldn¡¯t do that, I would be the same Landyn I had always been, and no one would want to be with that guy. I had to bite the bullet for Anya, and I wanted to see her bad enough anyway. Regardless of Mitch¡¯s presence, I had to be courageous enough to believe things would be okay. Anya called me that morning to make sure I reminded her not to kiss me which I thought was funny. Her cold sore was gone but she was still concerned about being in public. In addition, her husband was suspicious and it was highly likely he could follow her to Paseo¡¯s. I didn¡¯t know the details of how she was able to leave the house without him asking a million questions but at the same time I¡¯m sure it wouldn¡¯t stop him from making an appearance if he wanted to. As her love had shown me so far however, whenever things seemed improbable, almost impossible, she found a way to make things happen, but I knew the longer this went on, the more her husband¡¯s doubts would increase, however I believed by the time that happened, we would be together. When Anya told me on Saturday morning to meet them there at seven-thirty that evening, I felt as if a cool refreshing breeze had swept over me because I knew Mitch was a late arriver so now there was a great chance we¡¯d miss him for the most part of the evening, and if Anya wanted to leave early to see her kids before they went to bed, we would probably miss him entirely. Even though I hated to dance, I started to do the robot when I realized this possibility as I knew Mitch well enough to know he would do all he could to ruin my relationship with Anya if he had the chance. He would say he was doing it for me, but it was really for his own benefit because his misery enjoyed my hospitality. I convinced myself, only because of the time I was meeting Anya, that there was now only a twenty percent chance I would see Mitch there and to me those were damn good odds. If I felt it was any higher I probably would have told Anya I had come down with a sudden and mysterious case of West Nile Virus. When I arrived at Paseo¡¯s, I walked in cautiously to scope out the place first before I submerged myself in with all the other patrons, and when there was no sign of Mitch anywhere, I smiled broadly as again with Anya, things always found a way of working themselves out to perfection. As I ventured further inside a place I hadn¡¯t been in what seemed like forever considering I used to come here almost every weekend, I saw Anya, Carolyn and Debbie sitting at a table with two other men who stood between them. Anya was dressed in a light blue top that left her tanned shoulders exposed. Carolyn was dressed in a hot pink top that also bared her shoulders and Debbie wore a bright red dress. The two men at their table were stocky in build with a clean cut look. Before I reached them all, I saw Anya snatch one of the men¡¯s drivers license to study it for some reason, and when I saw her do so, my stomach began to cave in because it appeared to me she wanted to check out his picture. As much as I trusted her love for me, I still felt she had questions about my love for her which scared me because I had revealed so much of my feelings to her, more than I had ever felt comfortable revealing to anyone. B.A. (Before Anya) my low sense of self-worth would take over from here, but A.A (After Anya) I just never doubted her love for me. It just became natural for me to rebound from negative thinking about who I was which was equivalent to lifting a car completely off of a human being; I mean it was really that hard for me to do before I met her, and when I reached the table, Anya¡¯s interest in her company changed considerably. ¡°Hey!¡± she said as she quickly moved to stand next to me. ¡°I¡¯m so glad you¡¯re here. Landyn, this is John and Chris. They¡¯re policemen we know from the Irvine Police Department.¡± ¡°Nice to meet you guys.¡± I said as I reached over the table to shake their hands. After they both returned my gesture warmly, I said hello and hugged Debbie and Carolyn. then returned to Anya¡¯s side, but as I made my way back around the table, I caught a glimpse of a sight that staggered me--Mitch Black, as he just exited the men¡¯s restroom. As he headed in our direction, I hoped he would just walk by our table without incident, and it seemed things were going that way, but when he turned his head ever so slightly, out of the corner of his eye he caught something that caused him to do a double take. It didn¡¯t take him long after that to walk over to our table, and I knew at that very moment tonight I would feel just like a passenger on the Titanic. ¡°Oh great.¡± I mumbled. ¡°What¡¯s wrong?¡± asked Anya. ¡°Well well well. What have we here?¡± barked Mitch as he strode up to our table with both hands on his hips. ¡°Hey, what¡¯s going on Mitch?¡± I said nervously. ¡°You remember Anya.¡± ¡°Hi Mitch.¡± said Anya politely as she waved at him. ¡°So what¡¯s going on? Care to fill me in?¡± asked Mitch to us both as he completely ignored her greeting. ¡°Hey Anya, please forgive me but do you mind if talk to him for a few minutes?¡± I asked as I hid my irritation. ¡°Sure. We¡¯ll be here.¡± ¡°Thank you.¡± ¡°Hey! Yo! Lady in red! Nice to see you again!¡± yelled Mitch who turned his attention to Debbie now. ¡°Good to see you¡¯re still happily married!¡± ¡°Hey, there¡¯s no need for that. Let¡¯s go outside for a minute. ¡± I told him then leading him away. ¡°I¡¯m sorry Debbie.¡± ¡°Check her out! The happily married woman is all dressed up for a night on the town!¡± he continued, even after being leading him away from the table. ¡°Figures!¡± Thankfully Debbie was too classy to say a word to him, and so were the cops, which I greatly appreciated as I escorted him outside. Since the bar was way too loud to talk to Mitch, we had the bouncer stamp our wrists so we could go outside and bypass a line when we were ready to go back inside. I was pretty upset that this conversation needed to take place because it took me away from spending time with Anya, but I had a bomb I needed to defuse. ¡°So where have you been the last couple of months? Hanging out with married chicks?¡± he asked me when we got outside. ¡°That¡¯s not what¡¯s been going on Mitch.¡± ¡°Then what the fuck is tonight all about? Why is she here?¡± ¡°Not that it¡¯s really any business of yours anyway, but I¡¯ve been dating her for the last two months.¡± ¡°I warned you about her. I warned you about how married chicks are.¡± ¡°The warning has been heeded.¡± I stated. ¡°Just not taken.¡± ¡°That chick¡¯s no good. I saw her holding someone¡¯s hand earlier. She basically led him out to the dance floor!¡± ¡°How long ago?¡± ¡°Just a half hour ago man! They have been here for over an hour already!¡± My low sense of self-worth, that eternal internal naysayer wanted to make an appearance. He told me to believe Mitch. He told me why would Mitch lie about something like that? He told me Mitch had my best interests in mind. He even told me to remember when she took my hand and led me to my own bedroom the first night we met, but I fought back with a vengeance as the superhero within told me Mitch had every incentive in the world to lie to me about something like that. He told me Mitch had no idea who Anya was, and all we had shared so far. How much she loved me, how deeply she felt, and how much she let it be known to me. Mitch had never seen Anya¡¯s heart; he only saw her through the eyes of the other women who had jilted him in the past. If there was anyone who was worthy of mistrust in women it would be me, after over thirty years of broken hopes and hearts. Mitch just wanted someone to hang with at Paseo¡¯s again, and he knew those days were now on their final frontier. What came from his mouth wasn¡¯t about what was best for Landyn, it was disguised as such, but rather what was best for Mitch. ¡°I don¡¯t believe that Mitch.¡± I said. ¡°A couple of months ago yes, but not now. I have gotten to know her pretty well over the last two months. She wouldn¡¯t do that to me.¡± ¡°It¡¯s what I saw. She¡¯s a whore dude. She¡¯s just looking to get her rocks off because her hubby isn¡¯t giving it to her at home. She¡¯s using you.¡± ¡°I don¡¯t believe that at all. There¡¯s a lot you don¡¯t know. In fact, we haven¡¯t even kissed let alone had sex together so that theory is out.¡± I said. ¡°You¡¯re way too bitter about women. You need to take a good look at yourself in the mirror and get over it. I¡¯m happy with her and if you¡¯re any type of friend, you would make an effort to treat her with respect and kindness. I think this is about her friend rejecting you more than anything, and coming from a guy who could date married women professionally; you¡¯re not the proper authority to tell me I shouldn¡¯t date her. In fact, you¡¯re the last person who should tell me not to date her.¡± ¡°Is she going to leave her husband for you?¡± This narrative has been purloined without the author''s approval. Report any appearances on Amazon. ¡°She told me she would.¡± I said. ¡°Otherwise this relationship would make no sense for me to be in.¡± ¡°You heard it here first.¡± he replied. ¡°She will never leave him.¡± ¡°You¡¯re entitled to your opinion.¡± I told him. ¡°but I believe you¡¯re wrong.¡± ¡°She¡¯s too selfish to leave and do the right thing even if she loves you. Look at her. The way she dresses. She¡¯s all about money. This life is all about her. She could give two shits about anyone else but herself.¡± ¡°You could never be more wrong about anything in your life Mitch. I mean, it¡¯s laughable.¡± I responded, trying not to lose my cool. ¡°Over time you will see what I see already.¡± ¡°Yeah right. Let me tell you somethin¡¯. First, they take your heart, then...then they take your soul.¡± ¡°The girls you¡¯ve met have done that, no doubt I know where you¡¯ve been Mitch¡­but Anya is different. Entirely. Completely.¡± ¡°You know what¡¯s funny? Women claim they are our equals but if that was the case why would they need a man to take care of them?¡± he said. ¡°Women are nothing but cowards bro, you¡¯ll see. She knows this is a man¡¯s world better than anyone and when the chips are down she¡¯ll go right back to the creep that dishonored her. This I know. Mark my words. I¡¯ll see you inside.¡± As Mitch disappeared from my sight and back into the bar, I thought about what he said but could not calculate a clue what he meant by it. I never looked at women as being anything less than my equal; in fact, I held a higher regard for them in most aspects as I believed men and women both had qualities that offset each other in comparison. For instance, my mother¡¯s friend who she got the Energizer Bunny for, continued to work even while undergoing extensive chemo treatments. If that was me, a man living in a man¡¯s world, I would have just opted to die instead. So in my head, if men were generally stronger on the outside than women, I felt women were generally stronger on the inside, therefore I felt the perceived inequality cancelled each other out. After my conversation with Mitch, I had a new found goal to not only save Anya from a life of sadness but to also prove Mitch completely wrong about her. I waited ten minutes to gather my thoughts and any leftover emotions before I stepped back inside. When I returned, I saw Anya at the table with Carolyn and Debbie, but the policemen were no longer there however they were now surrounded by a larger group of people. These people were not regular Paseo¡¯s patrons; they were not wearing white collared shirts buttoned down to show their bare chests or skanky outfits as they were dressed quite conservatively in tailored suits and floral patterned dresses. As Anya conversed with one of the suit donning men, I slowly approached in a cautious manner so Anya could see me in time before I got any closer if she was afraid her husband may have known the gentleman or even these people, or worse yet, if it was her husband, but when she saw me, Anya frantically motioned for me to come over, either to meet this man or to rescue her from him. ¡°Landyn, this is Patrick St.Claire. Pat this is Landyn Lastman.¡± ¡°Ahhh! A pleasure to meet you Mr. Lastman.¡± he said, warmly extending his hand out to mine. ¡°Nice to meet you too Mr. St.Claire.¡± I replied, my hand meeting his. ¡°Pat is the head of our volunteer organization, House of Hope.¡± Anya informed me. ¡°Oh! What does your organization do if I may ask?¡± ¡°We help place abandoned and abused children in loving foster care homes.¡± he said. ¡°Very nice.¡± I said. ¡°Sounds like a wonderful organization you run there Mr. St. Claire.¡± ¡°Indeed we do!" He exclaimed. ¡°Now, if you would excuse me, I need to say hello to someone. A pleasure to meet you Mr. Lastman.¡± ¡°Pleased to meet you Mr. St. Claire.¡± I said, nodding in understanding before he walked away. ¡°The people here this evening are all volunteers that we work with.¡± she said. ¡°It¡¯s a great group of people. We try to get together after meetings or events.¡± ¡°I¡¯m impressed. So Carolyn, Debbie and yourself volunteer your time there?¡± ¡°Yes, this is just one of the organizations we volunteer at from time to time. Most of the parties I had to go to during Christmas involved these groups.¡± ¡°I¡¯ve always wanted to do that but have never had the time. You make a real difference. That¡¯s something to be very proud of.¡± ¡°Thanks babe but for the most part it¡¯s hands off with the people who receive the benefits of the organizations I¡¯m involved with. I would like to do something more hands on in the future.¡± ¡°You are still making a difference though; hands off or not. I believe your time is more valuable than money.¡± I said. ¡°When you lose your time, it¡¯s gone forever. You can never get that time back. You¡¯re a giving person though so it doesn¡¯t surprise me you never think about the things you lose.¡± As I spoke to her, I noticed out of the corner of my eye Mitch standing by the bar talking to two scantily clad women. Normally I wouldn¡¯t be concerned about this at all, but the glances I received from all three of them told me they were up to something. Of the two women, one of them I had a little history with well over a year ago. Nothing went on but a make-out session with the aid of alcoholic beverages, but we both agreed there were no real sparks between us however when she started to point, and then suddenly began to saunter my way, I knew Mitch had brought her up to date on the latest development in my life. If Mitch couldn¡¯t get me to walk away from my relationship with Anya, like a bomb specialist who failed to cut the right wire to diffuse a bomb, Mitch was now going to blow the whole thing up instead, and my worst fears of the night were now on the verge of fruition, and Anya could sense it. ¡°What¡¯s wrong babe?¡± she asked. ¡°I¡¯ll have to explain in a few minutes.¡± I told her in exasperation. ¡°Okay.¡± ¡°Hey sexy!¡± shouted the ostentatious girl who was now in front of me. ¡°Hey what¡¯s up.¡± I acknowledged non-chalantly. ¡°How are you?¡± ¡°I¡¯m good. How are you?¡± she asked. ¡°I¡¯m good. Hey this is my date, Anya.¡± I pointed out. ¡°Anya this is?¡± ¡°Stephanie.¡± she said to refreshen my memory. ¡°Ah, that¡¯s right Stephanie. Stephanie¡­this is Anya.¡± ¡°Hi. It¡¯s nice to meet you.¡± Anya said politely. ¡°Oh. Nice to meet you.¡± said Stephanie coldly. ¡°I¡¯m sorry. I didn¡¯t know you were with someone this evening.¡± ¡°Yes. Didn¡¯t Mitch tell you?¡± I asked. ¡°I don¡¯t know why he wouldn¡¯t.¡± ¡°He said you were with people you didn¡¯t really know, and you wanted to hang out with us.¡± said Stephanie. ¡°He told me to come get you.¡± ¡°That Mitch, he¡¯s always trying to play games with the ladies here. That¡¯s how he rolls.¡± ¡°I guess you¡¯re right about that.¡± she said. ¡°Well, it was nice seeing you again Stephanie.¡± ¡°Nice seeing you too. Good-bye.¡± ¡°Take care.¡± ¡°Who was that?¡± asked Anya after Stephanie had returned to where Mitch stood. ¡°Someone I met here over a year ago. Nothing ever happened between us.¡± I said. ¡°Could we talk in private sweetheart? Would that be a problem? I think Mitch is trying to sabotage our evening and it¡¯s making me feel uncomfortable.¡± ¡°Of course. I need to talk to you.¡± ¡°Great.¡± I said as I pointed toward the small empty dining room area that resided behind a red curtain. ¡±Shall we?¡± As I followed Anya to the private area I had an onslaught of emotions flow through me as I was peeved at Mitch for trying to ruin my relationship with her. After two whole months and even having the best day of my life because of her, his need to try and take something away that gave me life, that gave us both life, aggravated me to no end. He went into his marital trysts as proud sexual conquests without a single concern for the people it could possibly affect around him and he didn¡¯t even stop at one. I sincerely loved Anya beyond every beat of my heart. Sure, I was greatly attracted to her but I wasn¡¯t in this to fulfill an insatiable libido. There was just no thrill in this for me other than the one being provided by being in love with her and it ticked me off that all this negativity about my current relationship came from Mitch, of all people, and I had no respect whatsoever for his opinion in the matter. When Anya and I got to the room, and we were away from everyone at the bar including her organization, her friends and Mitch, she surprisingly came into my arms after the heavy red curtain hid us from public view as we got lost in an embrace for well over a minute. We then both sat down across from each other in an empty booth and she started to talk. ¡°I forgot to tell you that Katie made the cut for the Boston Ballet Program.¡± ¡°That¡¯s great!¡± I said. ¡°Good for her! Is she excited?¡± ¡°Oh my God babe, she is so thrilled! I¡¯ve never seen her face light up that much before when she heard the news.¡± she said. ¡°The only problem is it kind of conflicts with her New York ballet competitions in July.¡± ¡°Oh, that¡¯s too bad. What is she going to do?¡± ¡°We don¡¯t know yet.¡± One of the best things about last Tuesday was when Anya brought along pictures of her kids to show me as she then proceeded to tell me about their lives. One of those things was about her daughter Katie vying for the Boston Ballet Program, but at the time she thought it was a long shot so she applied for a ballet competition in New York City with the belief Boston would not pan out. Anya told me her daughter loved ballet and practiced three hours in the evening each day after school. Afterwards she would then come home to do her homework before she went to bed. Although I feared Katie¡¯s schedule could be taxing on her at the age of twelve, I was also impressed with the work ethic her parents instilled in her, and I was even more impressed with how Katie handled it so well at such a young age. I didn¡¯t know if it was Katie¡¯s passion or dream but it sure sounded like it was when Anya told me she was thrilled with the news, and it was nice to hear her dedication paid off. When Anya shared this news with me, it made me feel like she wanted me to be a part of their lives, and knowing how the romantic singer she saw before me left her because she had kids, I knew it was important to prove to her that her kids were a bonus, and they truly were in my eyes because they were a huge part of Anya. ¡°How did the business trip go last weekend?¡± I asked. ¡°It went well.¡± she said. ¡°We had a meeting with a bank executive. I¡¯d love to tell you the details but we were meeting with a representative for Bank of America and I can¡¯t talk about it.¡± ¡°Oh okay. I understand. I¡¯m glad the meeting went well.¡± ¡°On Wednesday evening my husband took me out to dinner.¡± she said. ¡°It¡¯s something we rarely do together.¡± ¡°Oh. Where did you go?¡± ¡°Just to a local restaurant.¡± she said. ¡°He asked me where I saw myself five years from now.¡± ¡°Did he ask you why you left your last employer too?¡± I joked. ¡°Ha! Why would he ask me that?¡± ¡°I don¡¯t know. ¡°Where do you see yourself in five years¡± sounds like a question you would have to answer from a job interviewer.¡± I elaborated. ¡°Sounds like he has the warmth of Antarctica.¡± ¡°Yup.¡± she agreed. ¡°He then asked me if I was seeing someone.¡± ¡°He did?¡± ¡°Yes.¡± she said. ¡°What did you tell him?¡± I asked with hope in my heart. ¡°I told him ¡®no¡¯ and I asked him for some space. He said he would give that to me.¡± ¡°I see.¡± I didn¡¯t know what to think. A huge part of me hoped she would be honest with him and the fact she denied it, denied me, denied us, hurt just a little bit, but the reality was I couldn¡¯t ask her to leave him now. It wouldn¡¯t be the best time anyway so I convinced myself of that fact so I would not be pained by it at all. I understood where she came from and in case I didn¡¯t, Anya made sure that I did, and that the disappointment she sensed in my tone was addressed. ¡°Babe, if he were to find out right now, I would be inclined to stay.¡± she said in a distressed tone. ¡°I know that¡¯s why you¡¯re so worried about not being able to hide your feelings.¡± I acknowledged. ¡°I understand Sweetheart.¡± ¡°I hope you know you¡¯re not the reason at all for the way I feel. He chipped away at my feelings for years. I can¡¯t help the fact I am no longer in love with him. It¡¯s the way it is and the way it has been.¡± ¡°I trust that. Thank you.¡± I said. ¡°I¡¯ve been drawn to you since day one though. My friends have never seen me like this before.¡± ¡°I¡¯ve been drawn to you since day one too.¡± I said. ¡°By the way, Carolyn and Debbie, they adore you.¡± ¡°Really? I adore them too.¡± ¡°Yep, they think you¡¯re an incredible guy.¡± she said. ¡°That¡¯s really flattering but I don¡¯t see myself as an incredible guy.¡± I said. ¡°It must be because they know of your husband¡¯s infidelities.¡± ¡°No.¡± she said. ¡°They don¡¯t know.¡± ¡°Really? I thought for sure they knew.¡± I said in surprise. ¡°Nope.¡± That one was hard for me to wrap my head around. Why wouldn¡¯t her closest friends know and why would they agree to enable her to meet another man? Something didn¡¯t sound right about that to me so I dug a little deeper without digging too deep. ¡°Do they know your husband?¡± I asked. ¡°Of course they do.¡± ¡°Okay.¡± I responded not knowing where to go from there. ¡°They just think I¡¯m unhappy and that I just fell out of love.¡± ¡°Like how over time most married people just naturally fall out of love?¡± ¡°Yes. Exactly.¡± she said. ¡° And how most parents who aren¡¯t happy will stay in the marriage for the sake of the kids, and after the kids are out of the house then they decide to divorce or not.¡± ¡°Yeah, but don¡¯t you think most partners are at least faithful if they decide to go that route though? With all due respect, I don¡¯t think your situation is the same Sweetheart.¡± ¡°It¡¯s not.¡± she acknowledged. ¡°I agree.¡± I didn¡¯t want to put a serious tone on our evening, as I felt now was not the right time to discuss them but the truth was we were facing some serious issues. Even though I felt she should probably ask her husband, at the very least for a separation at this point, I decided to keep that thought to myself for the time being as I hadn¡¯t earned the right yet to have that discussion with her. Obviously I had my opinions about her dilemma but at the same time I had to be tactful about their presentation to her. This relationship was about us, but by being strongly opinionated it would then make it about me, and now just wasn¡¯t the time and place. Before we both could say another word, Debbie abruptly appeared through the curtain of the dining room area. ¡°I¡¯m sorry to interrupt you guys but Cheryl is here and she¡¯s asking where you are Anya.¡± said Debbie. ¡°She won¡¯t stop.¡± ¡°Okay, I¡¯ll be right out Debbie. Thanks.¡± said Anya as Debbie quickly walked out. ¡°Who¡¯s Cheryl?¡± I asked. ¡°She¡¯s a member of the organization. We call her mother hen. She¡¯s sort of like, well¡­your friend out there.¡± ¡°Yeah, we better get back out there then.¡± ¡°Oh my god!¡± she blurted. ¡°What is it?¡± I asked. ¡°We¡¯ve been here for a half an hour!¡± she said as she pointed at her watch. ¡°No kidding?¡± ¡°Can you believe that? Time sure flies by when we¡¯re together.¡± she said. ¡°Isn¡¯t that something? Crazy.¡± I said as we stepped out of the booth. ¡°I wish I could find a way to stop time so we could stay together as long as we want to.¡± With that last statement I made, she turned around to face me and started to walk slowly backwards until her back was up against the wall of the room right next to the crimson curtained entry way. As I moved in closer now face to face, she put her hands along my forearms then ran them up along my biceps. As her cool palms ran up through my black shirt and along my shoulders, I couldn¡¯t help but put my hands on the sides of her waist as the look in her eyes seemed to suggest it was what she wanted me to do. ¡°Why are you single?¡± she asked as her loving soft brown eyes fell into mine while her hands now ran along my chest. ¡°Let¡¯s just say this is what I know since I¡¯ve met you; I¡¯ve been fortunate enough to have the wrong ones who I falsely believed were the right ones come into my life before I met you.¡± I said. ¡°I¡¯m a picky guy too, but please don¡¯t misunderstand me when I say that. I don¡¯t think I¡¯m God¡¯s gift to anyone, but I do have preferences like everyone else does and should naturally have. I guess you could say I¡¯ve been on the selective and reserved side, but I¡¯ve always wanted nothing less than a real love in my life, and I held on to the belief it was out there for me.¡± ¡°Do you fall in love easily?¡± she asked. ¡°I¡¯ve always believed in love.¡± I explained. ¡°When I was younger I used to fall in love easily, but after a couple of heartaches that cut me pretty deep¡­not anymore. It took a lot of trust in your love for me to allow myself to fall in love again. Believe it or not, this is a huge leap of faith for me.¡± ¡°How could you love me, though?¡± she sadly replied. ¡°even with all my baggage?¡± ¡°I think the better question is how could I not fall in love with you? Do you even know how great you are?¡± ¡°How great I am?¡± she said as her now moist eyes jumped into mine. ¡°No.¡± ¡°Then let me tell you.¡± I said. ¡°I understand how you feel because I look at myself and I think the same thing. How could she be in love with me? But I trust that you do, and I¡¯ve never felt that secure with anyone. But that¡¯s your gift to people; you have a way of making them feel important and special. My biggest problem with women nowadays has been that they¡¯re only there to take and not there to give. You have done nothing but give. That alone makes you very easy to love. You know, I have to admit I used to dream a lot about what she would look like and who she was, and I¡¯ve even had a vision of who she was in my mind, but I can honestly say you are better than any woman I have ever dreamt of; you are better than my dream girl. You put every girl out there in the bar tonight to absolute shame. Now, I don¡¯t know every girl out there in the world, but from what I do know, you put them to shame as well. You know Sweetheart; there is no greater truth than this, as we are both aware that the world knows how beautiful you are on the outside. I mean every guy could see that and it¡¯s easy to see, but what separates you from all the other women out there is how beautiful you are on the inside, and I feel honored that you think I¡¯m special enough to know that about you. I feel like the luckiest man on earth holding onto the world¡¯s best kept secret because nobody out there knows that about you because if they did, then you would easily be the most loved woman on the planet, and it feels good to know it is me she¡¯s with right now.¡± After I spoke those very words Anya gazed into my eyes deeper than she had ever done before. I could say she was truly lost in them as she absorbed all the words I said, even hoping to see if there were any more left. She then said the seven words I had hoped to hear one day because I knew they represented the most significant revelation of her love for me and of our relationship. ¡°You have swept me off my feet.¡± She said softly and painfully. ¡°I love you sooo much.¡± ¡°I know that¡¯s what you needed from me.¡± I said as I brought my right hand to softly touch her left cheek. ¡°But I feel I have a lot more sweeping to do. I want you to lean on me. I want to be there for you in every imaginable and unimaginable way. You¡¯re not alone anymore.¡± She then brought her body against mine as I began to rub my hands along the sides of her perfectly shaped hips. I then brought my right hand upwards again, through her hair and to the back of her head to thrust her lips gently but dominantly into mine. As we kissed each other deeply and passionately we unleashed over a month¡¯s worth of anguish of not being able to demonstrate our love in a physical manner, and when we would pull apart only to catch our breath, we found that we were lost in each other as if we had forgotten our surroundings and the danger in them as with every breathless second shared we faced the ultimate truth that not only did we badly want each other but we badly needed each other. At that very moment, even as the world circled around us like vultures on the other side of the crimson curtain, we were oblivious to the carcass they craved that consisted of heavy misunderstandings and hidden envy. As each kiss seemed to carry more meaning, it felt like we were no longer a separate person but rather one being, connected more than any two human beings ever could be. While our bodies touched as our hands scoured each other almost uncontrollably, we didn¡¯t need to say a word to know how far our feelings had come for each other, and while we knew Mitch and possibly her friend, Cheryl, were out to find a way to perpetrate our demise, she caught her breath to ask me the most important thing she ever could. ¡°Would you fight for me?¡± ¡°Do you mean that?¡± I asked. ¡°Yes.¡± ¡°Whatever may come I will be by your side. You¡¯ll face nothing alone.¡± I told her, my eyes within hers. ¡°We¡¯re in this together. I will fight for you.¡± I didn¡¯t need her to ask me to fight for her. I was ready to fight for her. I was even ready to die for her. I just had no idea what awaited me, and how it would change my life forever. CHAPTER 8 ~ THE OMINOUS ¡°I see the tip of the iceberg and I worry about you.¡± ~ ¡°Early Distant Warning¡± Rush Late Sunday morning, I text Anya after I awoke from my slumber. There were some things I needed to know. She text me back and the following textversation ensued. 11:58 a.m. ¡°Hi! Had a fantastic time! It was very nice to see you! You looked sooo cute! Hated to say goodbye.¡± ME: ¡°I hated to say good bye too! I had a blast! I can¡¯t get you off my mind. Did you drink at all last night?¡± ANYA: ¡°No babe, I didn¡¯t drink at all. Did you?¡± ME: ¡°Really? Me neither! Do you remember all I said to you last night? ANYA: ¡°I remember everything. You said some of the most beautiful and touching words. You¡¯ve definitely won my heart over, xo.¡± ME: ¡°Easy things to say when it¡¯s the truth. Did you mean what you said to me last night about wanting me to fight for you?¡± ANYA: ¡°Yes babe, I meant it. I hope I didn¡¯t embarrass you. I hope I didn¡¯t say too much, but I love you¡­can¡¯t help it¡± ME: "If what you said was supposed to embarrass me then keep it coming please! I hope all I said didn¡¯t embarrass you at all I meant every single word.¡± ANYA: ¡°Not at all. We love each other and should be able to share.¡± ME: ¡°Did your friend Cheryl say anything to you last night?¡± ANYA: ¡°She was gone when I went back out there. Did Mitch say anything to you?¡± ME: ¡°I didn¡¯t see him when we left that reserved dining area. He must have hooked up with someone. Poor girl. I apologize for all the things he said and did last night. I don¡¯t know what his problem was, but he¡¯s got a big one.¡± ANYA: "Ha! She has her hands full for sure! It¡¯s okay babe." ME: ¡°No it¡¯s not. It¡¯s not right. He needs to grow up.¡± ANYA: ¡°Thank you babe. Really¡­it¡¯s okay. Isn¡¯t it crazy how time flies by so quickly when we¡¯re together?¡± ME: ¡°Too quickly. When you told me we were in that room for a half an hour I couldn¡¯t believe it. It seems whenever I¡¯m with you I¡¯m oblivious to my surroundings. It¡¯s like I have tunnel vision; you¡¯re all I see and know, no matter what¡¯s around me. A car crash could happen right in front of me and I would probably miss it.¡± ANYA: ¡°It was like that for me too babe. I forgot all about my friends.¡± ME: ¡°It was really nice to kiss you again. I¡¯ve never kissed anyone that much before. I hated to see the night end. I hated to see you outside my line of vision. I wish we could have gone home together.¡± ANYA: ¡°I¡¯m so glad we could finally kiss. Loved every second! Going home with you would be like a dream. I think we both get lost when we look at each other, greatest feeling! I love you so much.¡± ME: ¡°You looked beautiful last night sweetheart, but you always do. I love you very much too.¡± ANYA: ¡°You looked so handsome, loved that black shirt on you. Black is a good color on you. I could say I love you all day long, just wish I could announce it to the world.¡± ME: ¡°I feel the same way. I wish I could show you every day.¡± ANYA: ¡°Maybe someday¡­it¡¯s my dream. By the way isn¡¯t your birthday coming up?¡± ME: ¡°Oh yeah. That. It¡¯s this Saturday, February 2nd. The Day of the Groundhog. You remembered?¡± ANYA: ¡°Of course I remembered; you¡¯re in my life now. Will you be home on Saturday? Can I stop by to wish you a happy birthday?¡± ME: ¡°What are you trying to do? Make this birthday an actual happy one for me? I would love to see you.¡± ANYA: ¡°Okay! I will arrange my schedule this morning! I gotta run babe. I love you!¡± ME: ¡°I love you too!¡± Although the situation was less than perfect, our love could not have been more perfect, and that was the remarkable thing about it. It took an imperfect situation to find a perfect love. After all these years of belief, I had found it, and it put me on a natural high every day as getting out of bed was now something that wasn¡¯t only easy but something I looked forward to. I was passionate about life again, not just in one area but in every aspect of my life. I never cared about my birthdays much, and never gave them much thought if any. I think I really stopped caring about them, at least subconsciously, way back when I turned four after the birthday card incident with my father, but this birthday was going to be special. For her to come by and visit me alone was the greatest birthday gift I could ever ask for; she meant that much to me. I could break a leg that day, or lose my job, or even total my car, but if I was able to spend time with her, I¡¯d have to say, with no disrespect to Ice Cube, the day was a damn good day. On January thirtieth, I received a text from Anya a few seconds before I stepped out of my apartment to head for the office that was one of the sweetest ones I had received from her. 8:01 a.m. ¡°Good morning! Happy two months! Have a good day! I love you!¡± After nearly thirty-seven years of not feeling any real love from anyone before, the fact she remembered we met two months ago to the day was meaningful. I remember with my first girlfriend, Sara, I would celebrate our monthly anniversaries and she would think it was stupid, but when you¡¯re happy to be with someone, as silly as it seems, a month anni is a special day. Since Sara I was self-conscious in recognizing monthly anniversaries or any milestones in my relationships, but this showed me how Anya and I were alike in the way we loved others, and I don¡¯t believe a greater blessing could had been bestowed upon me from the one who ran the Universe. I didn¡¯t expect to hear from her again today with it being a workday, and I still adhered to my rule not to text her in the fear of distracting her, but sure enough, as she always did, like the sun behind the clouds, her heart made an appearance. 12:16 p.m. ¡°Hi! I¡¯m working out of the house today and was just thinking of you! Listening to Buble! I miss you and love you baby! I miss kissing you!¡± ME: ¡°Wish I was there with you! I miss you and love you too! I love kissing you!¡± ANYA: ¡°I love kissing you too babe! You¡¯re a good kisser! It¡¯s the best! Now I can¡¯t concentrate!!!¡± I ended the text exchange abruptly because I started to get hot and bothered thinking about the intensity of Saturday night and I had to go back to work. It was a night I knew I would remember forever. To have her tell me I swept her off her feet and that she wanted me to fight for her only intensified the display of affection we showed each other. Everything just seemed to go so perfectly for us, as if it was part of a plan we had no control of as natural as the earth¡¯s orbit around the sun, a relationship just meant to work out some way. As I carried thoughts of pure happiness throughout the day, and as I fell deeper in love by the minute, thirty-seven long years in the making, little did I know an asteroid was speeding toward my peaceful world that threatened all I had felt and all I had built. 8:21 p.m. ¡°Hey L are you there? I need to talk to you. Can you call me please?¡± I now felt an ache in my heart whenever she referred to me as ¡°L¡± instead of ¡°Love¡± or ¡°Babe¡±. This frantic text did not sound like good news awaited me and once again I was up against it in a way I could not have imagined nor prepared myself for. I waited ten minutes to rein in my perceived pain before I called her as there was no stopping the meteor headed my way. ¡°Thanks for calling me.¡± she said as she picked up on the first ring. ¡°Of course. What¡¯s going on?¡± I asked with fear in my veins. ¡°When we were away on Saturday night, Mitch told my friend Cheryl we have been dating for eight months.¡± she informed me in the most serious tone I had ever heard from her before. ¡°Cheryl is the wife of my husband¡¯s best friend.¡± ¡°Are you serious?¡± I said in disgust. ¡°I can¡¯t believe him.¡± ¡°I don¡¯t know what¡¯s going to happen but I¡¯m very upset and scared.¡± she said. ¡°I¡¯m not ready to leave if he finds out.¡± ¡°I understand.¡± I said as my heart sank. ¡°I know a lot of people. If they find out this might ruin my reputation.¡± she said. ¡°I care about what they would think.¡± ¡°I¡¯m so sorry and I understand.¡± I said as an indescribable anguish consumed me. This novel''s true home is a different platform. Support the author by finding it there. ¡°I have to go now. Have a good night.¡± ¡°Okay. I¡¯ll try. You too.¡± And with that call, one that did not consist of any ¡°I love you¡¯s¡± that left me on the verge of tears, I immediately began to dial Mitch¡¯s phone number. To say I was upset would¡¯ve been a gross understatement and he needed to know how his ventilator driven life affected mine. When I told Anya I would fight for her, I meant it. ¡°Dude! What¡¯s up?¡± said Mitch as he picked up the phone. ¡°I was heading out to Paseo¡¯s! Come pick me up bro. I could use a ride over.¡± ¡°What the hell¡¯s your problem?¡± ¡°What are you talkin¡¯ about?¡± ¡°Seriously man, what¡¯s your problem?¡± ¡°I have no idea what you¡¯re talkin¡¯ about. Come pick me up.¡± ¡°I won¡¯t be hanging out at Paseo¡¯s anymore.¡± I said. ¡°Take a taxi.¡± ¡°What? This is all her fault!¡± he yelled. ¡°No.¡± I snapped. ¡°This is your fault. I don¡¯t get you man. You see a friend who is happy with someone for the first time in his life and you ruin it for him.¡± ¡°Ruin what? The fuck you talkin¡¯ about?¡± ¡°Why would you go up to Anya¡¯s group and start making up lies about us?¡± ¡°What lies? I told them the truth. You¡¯ve been dating her for eight months now.¡± ¡°It¡¯s only been two months and I told you that. You were well versed about the situation. It isn¡¯t something you announce to everyone and you know that! Those people were her colleagues! Even friends of her husband!¡± ¡°Why the fuck would she bring them out then?¡± ¡°Who cares who she brings out or hangs out with? She wasn¡¯t expecting a lunatic to go tell her friends anything private about her life. You had no right to do that and you knew that was private information.¡± I said. ¡°A friend wouldn¡¯t pull what you pulled on Saturday night. Why would you do that to me when I told you not to? You basically just gave a man who had cheated on her numerous times the upper hand because of your ignorance, and now she¡¯s going to have to stay put in a miserable marriage, and I¡¯m going to be single for a long time because you don¡¯t give a shit about anyone but yourself.¡± ¡°Was she really going to leave him though?¡± ¡°I told you she would! I wouldn¡¯t be in her life otherwise! Did you listen to anything I said or only what you wanted to hear? I told you this!¡± ¡°Well, she should stand up for herself. She¡¯s in love with you right?¡± ¡°It¡¯s not that easy Mitch. She has two kids. She can¡¯t just walk out and leave them. That¡¯s not realistic and it wouldn¡¯t be the right thing to do.¡± I stated. ¡°I¡¯m not ready to have her leave him yet anyway. I want her to come into a great seamless situation before she does and I¡¯m working towards making that happen. That friend you told is the wife of her husband¡¯s best friend! I don¡¯t understand why you would do that to me. I really don¡¯t. I told you not to but you did it anyway, and that¡¯s really fucked up.¡± ¡°You don¡¯t know how those women are. She is wrong for you.¡± ¡°She¡¯s the only thing that¡¯s ever been right in, with and about my life.¡± I said. ¡°And you are such the hypocrite. You know I listen to you Mitch and I must lose ten IQ points per second. I mean you know nothing about love or about doing the right thing. You hang out at a bar only to have sex with different women and you¡¯re the authority on who and what is right or wrong for me? I simply cannot associate with you anymore because you don¡¯t see anything wrong with what you did. I need real friends in my life, not this negativity. I¡¯m through with it. Stay away from Anya if you see her. She doesn¡¯t want anything to do with you and doesn¡¯t need your rudeness.¡± ¡°Good!¡± ¡°I won¡¯t be going to Paseo¡¯s anymore. I¡¯m through. You can hang out with the rest of the losers since you fit right in.¡± ¡°I will!¡± ¡°Good! Have a nice life!¡± I shouted, surprised he didn¡¯t object to fitting in after I hung up on him. I was really fed up with Mitch. I was tired of his relentless complaining and negative outlook on life. It brought me down with him and if the sole purpose of meeting Anya was to get away from that then this relationship was a good thing. It was unacceptable in my eyes what he did and I felt if I didn¡¯t tell him about it he would go on in life thinking what he did was okay and it wasn¡¯t. It¡¯s okay to care about people, and some of what Mitch was doing came from a good place, but he walked in shoes with holes on the bottom while I wore shoes that I took care of so he had no right to tell me how I should take care of mine or how I should walk in them. After I got off the phone with him I sat on my computer and began to journal my thoughts. It was the only way I could get them out of my head as I knew there wasn¡¯t going to be any sleep for me tonight; I was torn apart inside by what he did as I was on the verge of losing the only thing that ever truly mattered to me. I was devastated, and it felt even worse than beingrejected by Denise. I loved Anya so much and for her to tell me all the things she did on Saturday night, to lay it all out there without holding back was unheard of in my life. I didn¡¯t believe women like her existed and if anyone on this planet deserved love and happiness it was her. I was greatly pained by what Mitch did to her. What he did to us. If her husband got a hold of what Mitch said to Cheryl, he would use it as a noose around her neck. I trusted that Anya would be honest with him when the time was right, but now was just not the right time. At roughly two in the morning I made an effort to fall asleep and about an hour later I finally did. When I woke up two hours later, I knew I had to do something to show her I was going to fight for us. I couldn¡¯t just sit here and sulk. I had to believe. I had to make her believe we could get through this. At five ten in the morning, I sent her a text telling her I missed her and I was here for her if she wanted to talk. She responded an hour later and asked me if I could call her in ten minutes. ¡°Good morning.¡± she said as she answered. ¡°Good morning.¡± I said. ¡°Did you get much sleep?¡± ¡°Not really. Did you?¡± ¡°Not at all. I was thinking about you all night. I¡¯m sorry about everything. This is all my fault. I should have just ignored him the entire evening or better yet not agreed to meet you there. I knew he would be there and wreak havoc.¡± ¡°I don¡¯t hold you responsible for Saturday night. I don¡¯t regret meeting with you either. It was a fun night and we should remember is as such. We can¡¯t dwell on the negative.¡± ¡°Okay.¡± ¡°Decisions are made every day. Decisions are just that, they are made and dealt with. We made the decision to meet and whatever the outcome, we deal with it.¡± ¡°Do the girls know about this?¡± ¡°Yes, they know.¡± she confirmed. ¡°Your friend is now affectionately known as Special Ed.¡± ¡°Sounds accurate even though I think that title is insulting to Special Ed kids because they¡¯re much brighter than he is.¡± I said. ¡°I gave him a piece of my mind after I got off the phone with you.¡± ¡°What did you say to him?¡± ¡°I just ripped him for what he did then told him I¡¯m not hanging out with him anymore.¡± ¡°I hope it wasn¡¯t because of me.¡± ¡°It¡¯s because of him, Sweetheart. It¡¯s something I should have done a long time ago. I don¡¯t need to be around his negativity. He¡¯s not a real friend anyway. A real friend wouldn¡¯t have done that. He knew that information was private, but he didn¡¯t care. He knew how much you meant to me.¡± ¡°I¡¯m sorry you have to go through this with him even though I think it¡¯s better to hang with people who add value to our lives.¡± ¡°I totally agree.¡± ¡°Carolyn had a talk with me last night.¡± ¡°What did she have to say?¡± ¡°She said if my husband finds out about us it would be huge. She thinks I¡¯m being irrational to throw away twenty years. In fact she believes I¡¯m being irrational about everything.¡± ¡°In all fairness to her, she doesn¡¯t know all that¡¯s led you to me though.¡± ¡°You don¡¯t know the half of it. It¡¯s really complicated.¡± ¡°What¡¯s the half of it?¡± ¡°A business, real estate, just everything. I don¡¯t know if I¡¯m strong enough to handle it all.¡± ¡°That¡¯s where I come in Sweetheart. I know it sounds overwhelming and so burdensome, and I¡¯m sure it is, but you wouldn¡¯t go through it alone. I would help you with all of that.¡± ¡°Carolyn also seems to think you may be too young to raise kids since you¡¯ve never done so before.¡± I tried not to let Carolyn¡¯s comment bother me, but it was hard to swallow. That was something about as easy to change as my height. The truth was Carolyn did not know about her husband¡¯s infidelities, and I felt if she had known the entire truth, the irrational would sound more rational to her. I knew there was nothing I could do about never raising kids before, but it didn¡¯t mean I wouldn¡¯t know how to. ¡°Did your husband know how to raise kids when he first had them?¡± ¡°No.¡± she responded. ¡°Katie is twelve and Andrew is ten, right?¡± ¡°That¡¯s right.¡± ¡°Then it sounds like your husband, and I have never raised teenagers before.¡± I said. ¡°I worked at a Day Care for three years, and have had a lot of exposure to many kids and their different personalities. Even though I can acknowledge it''s not the same as raising your own kids, I feel I''m not entirely unqualified to raise kids. How that job came about was strange but it makes sense now that I would work there helping to care for the children of others. No disrespect to Carolyn but she doesn¡¯t really know where I¡¯ve been and half of all that¡¯s going on for her comment to be completely valid.¡± ¡°That¡¯s true babe. She doesn¡¯t.¡± ¡°Have your feelings changed for me because of this?¡± ¡°My feelings towards you haven¡¯t changed at all. I love you very much.¡± ¡°I love you very much too. I¡¯m sorry to even ask that, but I haven¡¯t had the greatest of luck in my life with love.¡± I said. ¡°I¡¯m just having a really hard time not blaming myself for all of this especially if the cost is not being able to see you or hold your hand or kiss you again. I¡¯m not surrounded by love everyday like you are so it hurts.¡± ¡°Ok, please don¡¯t blame yourself babe. Even if you have to lie to me, tell me you don¡¯t blame yourself. The whole thing is not your fault. Things will work out if meant to be.¡± she said. ¡°And yes, you¡¯re right. I¡¯m surrounded by love every day so I won¡¯t cry you a river how complicated my life is¡­but I long for our love.¡± ¡°I long for you to have our love.¡± I said. ¡°because I long for it too.¡± ¡°If we were together I¡¯d shower you with love every day!!! You would get sick of me!¡± ¡°I love you way too much to ever get sick of you. You would get sick of me wanting you to shower me with your love all the time!¡± ¡°I could never get sick of you.¡± she said. ¡°I better go. I¡¯m meeting with Cheryl¡¯s friend, Valerie to see if I could smooth this out.¡± ¡°Please let me know how it goes Sweetheart.¡± ¡°I will babe. I truly love you.¡± ¡°I truly love you too.¡± When I hung up the phone I almost called in sick, but I had missed a few days already over the last couple of months. I just knew it was going to be another very long day. Later that afternoon while I was on my lunch break my cell phone¡¯s red light started to blink to signal I had received a text message. 12:58 p.m. ¡°Are you ok? Straightened things out with Valerie. Can you call me?¡± After I read her message I quickly rose from my chair to close my office door so I could call her. A cool sensation traveled through my body as I felt relief when I heard her voice sounded much more relaxed. ¡°I talked to Valerie. She¡¯s going to set the record straight with Cheryl. I don¡¯t know if it will be in time or not but she said she would.¡± ¡°This is all just so unnecessary. I¡¯m really sorry you even had to go through that.¡± I told her, still seething about Mitch internally. ¡°Can I ask you a question babe?¡± ¡°Of course.¡± ¡°Why do you think we met?¡± ¡°To save each other.¡± I replied without hesitation. ¡°But if we were meant to save each other don¡¯t you think we would have met sooner?¡± ¡°I don¡¯t think so Sweetheart.¡± I answered without hesitation. ¡°What makes you believe that?¡± ¡°Because I think if we had met twenty years ago you would have never appreciated a guy like me. I think you had to become who you are now first, so you could appreciate a love like this. I think you know where true happiness is derived from now. It just took some time and some heartache.¡± I said. ¡°I believe we were meant to meet now so we would appreciate what we have found in each other.¡± ¡°I love you.¡± ¡°I love you too.¡± Maybe that was something she didn¡¯t think I knew about her. Maybe it was even something she wasn¡¯t willing to admit, but I knew how certain women thought when they were younger especially at the age of nineteen when Anya first met her husband. She was so young, still a teenager, and she hardly knew herself at that age. I didn¡¯t state my position any further as I didn¡¯t know any specifics of how they met and didn¡¯t want to generalize so I didn¡¯t press her for a reaction about it, but the fact she didn¡¯t elaborate further told me I had hit that one right on the head and out of the park. When we hung up, I had fifteen minutes left on my lunch break so I decided to leave the office to take a quick power nap in my car as I was beyond exhausted and stressed from the whole ordeal. I was learning rather quickly it wasn¡¯t easy to come into a stressful work environment after a tense night on the heart. Later on that evening Anya text me again. I didn¡¯t know what to expect in her message. I was emotionally drained from the constant worry of losing her as I feared there may be more to come. 8:09 p.m. ¡°Hi, how are you?¡± ME: ¡°I¡¯m ok. How are you?¡± ANYA: ¡°I¡¯m ok. Carolyn and Debbie said hello.¡± ME: ¡°Please tell them I said hello.¡± ANYA: ¡°Are you exhausted? They are bashing Special Ed.¡± ME: ¡°I''m beyond exhausted but if you need me to add any further color commentary about him let me know. Again, I¡¯m so sorry about everything you¡¯re going through over there." ANYA: ¡°Thank you for understanding. I hope this doesn¡¯t ruin your birthday weekend.¡± ME: ¡°Thank you. I guess I should try and get some sleep. I¡¯m not even making sense.¡± ANYA: ¡°I¡¯m sorry baby. You know I¡¯m still crazy about you. Okay, sleep tight then. Love you.¡± ME: ¡°Thank you for staying in touch with me today. It¡¯s been rough but I¡¯ll be ok. My main concern is you. Just wanted to let you know I appreciate it. Sleep tight. Don¡¯t let the bed bugs bite. Love you too.¡± ANYA: ¡°I miss you sooo much! I hurt just as much as you do if not more. On my way to book club. Can I talk to you for a few minutes? Would love to hear your voice before book club.¡± I gave her a call because I wanted to hear her voice too and to be honest, I can¡¯t remember all that was said because I was so tired. What I did remember however was the anguish in her voice as she expressed the same concerns she had communicated earlier that day to me which I totally understood. When I got off the phone about ten minutes later I laid in my bed and got lost within the loneliness of my surroundings; its plain white bedroom ceiling and the quiet four walls around me that encased me like a prison cell as I believed the end for me and the end of us, was near. CHAPTER 9 ~ RATIONALE ¡°All the knowledge I possess everyone else can acquire, but my heart is all my own.¡± ~ Johann Wolfgang von Goethe On the morning of my thirty-seventh birthday, notably one that fell on a Saturday instead of a weekday which alone should have been cause for celebration, my mind was full of dread. I was having the absolute time of my life but now the end of that time was near. As much as I believed and trusted in her love, it apparently was no match for the reality that surrounded her, and I was clearly outmatched as it had me in the corner unable to protect myself while it pummeled me mercilessly. My thoughts, cruder than the iron maiden, jettisoned me back to my past at the speed of light as I knew there would be no greater heartbreak than this one and even the sum of all my past heartbreaks paled in comparison. I didn¡¯t feel rejected but dejected, and I felt that was far worse because even though I was greatly loved this time around, disappointment still found a way to roost. Without a doubt this was the end of love for me and my belief in its magic. Anya was the absolute love of my life and simply would always be. I felt like a widower who held on to that love, one that felt too extraordinary for it not to mean anything less than all that would ever be. Even though my life was fantastic professionally and financial success was within my grasp it meant absolutely nothing to me. Without Anya, not just love but her love solely and particularly, I failed in life, and to me losing her was how I measured my success. On the morning of my thirty seventh birthday, I thought about the bridge again for the first time in nearly a decade. I just didn¡¯t want to hear the ¡°I told you so¡¯s¡± or the ¡°everything happens for a reason¡± or even my all-time favorite hated phrase ¡°it is better to have loved and to have lost than to never have loved at all.¡± I knew I was a peculiar person. I¡¯m not sure if I was ¡°one of a kind¡± but I thought very differently and was more passionate about love than most men and generally most people, and I¡¯m sure to most all I felt wouldn¡¯t make a whole lot of sense, but if they were me, a person who had this same crude torture device encased in their skull, I think they would see how I could be so passionate about this pending loss and my solution to it. If my relationship ended with Anya I simply wanted my life to end with it. I just couldn¡¯t go back to the same miserable existence she helped me escape from. The gray cloud darkened day captured my state of mind like no other day before it ever could as the rain outside my window crashed upon the ground and dissipated like all the hopes I had for us. I thought I was past the dark days of my life but in the end, I learned they could get even darker and even more unforgiving, like time itself. My life had become a prison cell, one I desperately needed to break out of because there was more than just a heart broken inside; my mind was now broken too. I had no idea hanging out at Paseo¡¯s would yield my greatest triumph but also my greatest disenchantment. As much as I wanted to fight for the things she dreamt about, like being able to wear a cocktail dress for a night on a date with me, I knew I didn¡¯t stand a chance. I had to let her take the reins and see where she truly wanted to go. In only two months, a lot of feelings had been shown and they were easily the greatest two months of my entire existence, however, it was still only two months. I had to respect how she felt about this and to let the rain fall where it may. If she truly loved me, she would find a way to see me, but even if she didn¡¯t see me on my birthday, it wouldn¡¯t mean she didn¡¯t love me however to say this ruined my birthday weekend would be like stating the planes just nicked the twin towers on nine-eleven. There was no birthday weekend now, it was just a Saturday, another day of the week that held the feel of a Monday. I suddenly learned that my ideals did not agree with society¡¯s, in fact even with all this love in my heart, apparently, I was in the wrong. I couldn''t help but wonder how love ever became irrational in our world. To me, lust was irrational but how could a love like ours ever be considered as such given the facts? That just didn¡¯t make much sense to me, but then again maybe I didn¡¯t make much sense to the world. To hear that our love was an irrational notion made me realize how lost we had become in this world, and how lost I apparently was all these years believing in such an absurd thing. Shakespeare and I were clearly fools, or maybe I was the only one who considered it to be more than just fiction, but apparently it¡¯s a fairy tale in this life, and I don¡¯t know what led me to believe a capitalistic society would find the existence of true love plausible as it was painfully clear, more than ever, I didn¡¯t belong here. The audacity of love to know how true it was and how real it felt and tasted yet it was the silliest of all earthly endeavors. Even Special Ed, Mitch Black, knew it was absurd and I was clearly the illogical one about it all. Anya was not going to jeopardize her reputation and after only two months together, not only would I not want her to but I would never allow her to. As much as it pained me to let her go, and as much as I wanted to show her how our love wasn¡¯t irrational by any and all means, I had to listen to her, I had to follow her lead and to keep her safe from the harm she faced from others who believed my belief in love was abnormal; the startling of all revelations to me. As I was being buried alive in all these thoughts, I noticed the red light on my cell phone frantically flashing. 9:10 a.m. ¡°Hi. Would you mind if I came by and saw you for an hour today? ME: ¡°Hi Sweetheart. I would love to see you but do you think it¡¯s safe for you to do so? I don¡¯t want you to risk anything.¡± ANYA: ¡°I¡¯ll be fine babe. Can I come by at 11:30? Don¡¯t want to eat, just want to talk and hold you for a while.¡± ME: ¡°As long as you¡¯re going to be okay I would love to see you. 11:30 works. Please drive safely. It¡¯s wet out.¡± ANYA: ¡°Great. Thank u, I will. See u soon. Xoxo¡± It surprised me that she would find a way to come see me on my birthday, but my gut told me the words ¡°just want to talk and hold you¡± meant she was coming over to let me know she was letting us go. That made sense to me because it seemed she didn¡¯t care if she was caught anymore. If her husband was suspicious or found out she could just tell him she came over to end things between us. Anya was the kind of person who would do something this important face to face rather than through a text message as I believed she would do that out of respect for what we shared even if it was only two months. When you truly fall in love with someone you also truly lose all sense of self, and at this point I had definitely lost that, in fact I lost all of who I was as early as November thirtieth, but Anya did too. She waged a battle on her front I had no clue about. She was up against a lot, and I had to try and recognize all I could reasonably fathom she faced. Even though she would not face anything alone, it was too early to face whatever monster it was, and as much as we cared for each other, the bottom line was something unknown lurked on her side of the fence and I need time to learn what that was as much as possible. At the same time, I also had to be prepared for anything from this day forward. There was a stark difference between letting her run the show and giving up on us, and I wasn¡¯t doing the latter by respecting where she wanted to go. She had told me so much which allowed me to feel so much, and even though the nature of our relationship mainly only allowed her communication with me through text messages, I felt secure anything she text to me she could not only tell me, but also show me if she had to. From wanting to wear her black cocktail dress, to believing and longing for our love, to nothing is impossible, to wanting me to fight for her; I believed those were her true feelings no matter who existed around her that kept her as a satellite in their orbit. The fact of the matter was they didn¡¯t know how she truly felt, I was the one who did, and I believe they would have offered different advice if they knew the truth. The problem was it was Anya¡¯s feelings to share, not mine, and I had no right to communicate this truth to anyone. She trusted me with it and even though it frustrated me to know I was the only one outside her circle with the knowledge of her husband¡¯s infidelities, I had to keep that secret as sacred as she did, and I had to trust her reasons for keeping it as such however I was puzzled why they thought I was this ¡°incredible¡± guy without knowing why I was truly in their friend¡¯s life. From where they stood I should appear as a home wrecker and far from incredible. 11:20 a.m. ¡°I¡¯m here.¡± When she arrived ten minutes earlier than she was supposed to I was thoroughly convinced she planned to nuke us. As I began my walk to meet her at the gate, that internal eternal naysayer, my mind, who was there for me through all my failures, took over from there solely driven by her ¡°here¡± text because it lacked a subsequent exclamation point. My mind then articulated that certainly an exclamation point would have followed if she was excited to be here as it was painfully clear to me she brought a burden along with her. I then decided at that point to be the bad guy to make it easier on her. She had kids to worry about over there; she didn¡¯t need to worry about some guy who was technically not her boyfriend. I¡¯d make it really easy on her and initiate the break-up so she didn¡¯t have to feel bad about it at all. Although I would basically be committing suicide, at least she could go home feeling better about it. I felt I was used to being broken anyway and better equipped to deal with the sorrow because I lived alone. It would be easier for her to hide her emotions from her kids if I was a man about this. She deserved that much from me. Unlike her last visit, this time there would be no happy meet and greet at the gate. There would be no life synchronizing our happiness around us; the light rain that fell and the gray cloud darkened skies appropriately stole that away. And if my life was just a moment in a million years, the love we shared represented a fraction of a millisecond, but that time alone meant more than the entire moment in a million years did. Without Anya in my life, I knew life would never be the same again, and that was a brutal reality for me, but one I had to face if it would make her life easier. I had to be Aurelius once again for the last time. When I reached the gate and opened it to let her inside, she looked up at me with her lovely dark brown eyes and gave me a sad smile as her beautiful long dark hair slightly covered the right side of her face. She wore a slim fit black jacket with dark blue jeans as she carried a large black and gold purse over her shoulder. After I let her walk inside and the gate closed, she snatched my hand in hers and leaned into me like she always did. And just like they always did when I was around her, the butterflies in my stomach emerged from their cocoons. ¡°Happy birthday!¡± she said with a low tone but excitedly. ¡°Thank you.¡± I said as I totally forgot it was my birthday on the way down due to all the thoughts that consumed me. ¡°Thank you for coming to see me with all that¡¯s going on¡­and braving the rain and all the crazy drivers out there.¡± ¡°I couldn¡¯t miss your birthday.¡± she said. ¡°Thanks for letting me visit you.¡± ¡°Always.¡± I didn¡¯t know what to expect. I didn¡¯t even know how I would bring it up. I had an hour with her and I struggled with the point of my presentation. If I waited until the end it would put her in position to tell me herself which I didn¡¯t want her to do so I felt I needed to let us go at the beginning of the meeting. When I got to my door and once we were inside my apartment, I made the decision to do it at that very moment, but before I could speak she handed me a small pink gift bag she pulled out of her large purse. ¡°Happy birthday babe.¡± she told me sweetly before handing me what she brought. ¡°Thank you so much.¡± I responded happily, sifting through the white paper tissue inside the bag. ¡°I hope you like it.¡± ¡°I¡¯m sure I will...Oh wow.¡± I replied, suddenly distracted by what my eyes saw. ¡°Do you like it?¡± she asked. ¡°I love it.¡± I answered, removing from the box and then gazing at the exquisite brown pen. ¡°I¡¯ve always wanted a nice pen, but this is really nice and so executive looking. Where did you get this?¡± ¡°Paradise Pen at the mall. They had so many to choose from. I went through quite a few of them before I picked this one out. I¡¯m glad you like it.¡± ¡°You have great taste. Thank you.¡± I told her before placing the pen back in its box and on the kitchen counter behind me so I could give her a warm hug. As I held her in my arms and took in her sweet scent, all I could think about was how much the pen could have cost her. By no means was this a cheap gift; the pen was sharply immaculate and had to set her back a couple hundred dollars at least. It was at this time my plan to let her go hit a boulder in the road as now I was worried I¡¯d be too cruel doing so after her very generous gift; I just couldn¡¯t go through with it now. It would be like peeling skin from my bones or having my head severed with a dull knife. I loved her to pieces and she had done so much for me over the last couple of months. I decided at this point to let her dictate things and accept what she wanted as the best for her. If I sensed she was headed that way, I would step up to the plate and take the lead, but if she still believed in us then I would go with the flow. I didn¡¯t want to push anything. We¡¯ve been together for only two months, but they were significant as if they held the weight of thirty six of my thirty seven years of existence. I would be a man if I had to, but I wanted to see where this went from here. The longer I held her in my arms, the more I started to become aroused as I felt her body mesh into mine. I then began to have flashbacks of last Saturday night and I started to feel the same magnified uncontrollable intensity. When I felt her tightened grip upon my back, I knew she could feel it also. ¡°Would you like to lie down for a while?¡± I asked. ¡°Yes.¡± she responded softly. This time I grabbed her hand and walked her to my bedroom. Just before I entered the room, I turned and kissed her gently on the lips. ¡°I love you.¡± I told her, with all the sincerity in the world. ¡°I love you, too.¡± As we walked into my bedroom, she smiled at me then began to remove her blouse and as I removed my shirt I walked over to my bedroom window to open it slightly. I then turned the window blinds so my room was slightly darkened and hidden from an outsider¡¯s view. I then turned to face her. ¡°I thought you might like to hear the sound of the rain.¡± I said as I turned to face her as she crawled onto the top of my bed from the other side of my room. ¡°I love the rain.¡± she said. ¡°I know you do.¡± Before I joined her, I reached into my nightstand and pulled out a match to light the candle that rested on top of it, a scented candle I bought a few days after the last time she was in my room. ¡°It¡¯s not a fireplace but it¡¯s the next best thing.¡± I said as I shook off the match. ¡°I love it.¡± she said. As I crawled into bed next to her, she came into my arms. We then began to kiss passionately as we rekindled the fire from Saturday evening, a warmth that heightened the ambiance around us. It was the purely private moment we both longed to have, but one that brought along with it some uncertainty as I didn¡¯t know what was going to happen; I just knew anything could. She then stopped abruptly. ¡°Babe.¡± she said in a serious tone. ¡°Yes?¡± I asked ready for it all to come crashing down on me. ¡°I¡¯m not on your side of the bed, am I?¡± ¡°My side of the bed?¡± I laughed. ¡°Well, if you need to know I always sleep on this side.¡± ¡°Really? I usually sleep on this side¡­the left side.¡± ¡°Well, I guess this works out then?¡± With a broadened smile and a sweet laugh, she then crashed her soft lips into mine as we began to taste every inch of all we used to speak with. With the women I had been with before, I usually got tired of kissing after a few minutes and would initiate the pull away but with Anya it was different. It was as if our lips were made to touch and unnatural to part once they did, as if our taste was not only nourishing but delicious at the same time. Her soft kiss was the elixir to all my past heartaches, and I would have never thought there was a potion for that. With her thin powder blue bra on, she laid her breasts into my chest, and I started to move my hands down her legs and began to massage the inside of her thighs but just as I began to feel her body heat, and against all I truly wanted, I suddenly decided to I pull away. ¡°Is everything okay babe?¡± she asked. This narrative has been unlawfully taken from Royal Road. If you see it on Amazon, please report it. ¡°Of course, Sweetheart.¡± ¡°Why did you stop?¡± ¡°I don¡¯t know.¡± I answered. ¡°Out of respect?¡± ¡°Really? I love it when you touch me though.¡± she informed me. ¡°Are you not a very sexual person?¡± ¡°I''m a Very sexual person. ¡°I told her. "Not in a fetish way though." ¡°I am too.¡± she replied, her eyes never leaving mine. ¡°Do you feel guilty about my husband? Is that why you stopped?¡± ¡°I think if I felt guilty about that Sweetheart, I wouldn¡¯t be in your life.¡± I laughed. ¡°To be honest, I think about him as much as he thought about you when he cheated. I did it out of respect for us.¡± ¡°I don¡¯t understand.¡± she said. ¡°For us?¡± ¡°I can¡¯t make love to you and just send you on your way home.¡± I clarified. ¡°It¡¯s tough on me every time you leave. I miss you severely when you go, and I know you feel the same way. I have to respect how heavy the missing is especially on you because of your kids. If I distract you through just a text message, I could only imagine if we made love. I know you need to be there for them.¡± ¡°You know who you remind me of?¡± she said. ¡°Who?¡± ¡°The forty year old virgin.¡± ¡°The forty year old virgin? From the movie?¡± I laughed and almost cried knowing there wasn¡¯t much of an experience difference. ¡°Honey, I would like to think I¡¯m a little more advanced in my sexual conquests than he was at his age.¡± ¡°Are you sure about that?¡± she teased. ¡°For the most part.¡± ¡°Do you think about making love to me?¡± ¡°Of course, I do!¡± ¡°What do you think about?¡± ¡°I think about how it would feel to be inside you.¡± I elaborated, feeling turned on. ¡°I think about you being inside me all the time.¡± ¡°I want to be inside you.¡± ¡°Then what stops you? I want it just as bad¡­if not more.¡± ¡°I guess I¡¯m just trying to be rational by letting it happen when it¡¯s meant to.¡± I said. ¡°It¡¯s not because I don¡¯t want to. I want to badly. I¡¯ve never been more attracted to anyone before.¡± Anya had been rejected by someone who had promised to love her forever. I had to acknowledge that first and foremost before I thought of myself, but it was also impossible not to go back to the disappointment and hurt I felt with Denise. When she looked at the bump on my leg and made me feel less than a human being. I didn¡¯t want to lose Anya the same way. I just would never recover from it. I would feel completely unlovable and it scared me to lose the love of someone I loved more than life itself. If I had let her go, I knew I still had her love but opening myself up to her physically was much tougher for me to do than emotionally. I knew she lived like roommates with her husband so I wasn¡¯t concerned at all that she was going home and anything was happening there, and I could tell because it took a lot for her to ask me all she just did. The bottom line was Anya and I were not just going to have sex, we were going to make love and that carried a huge emotional toll, one that was not for free by any means; not by a long shot. ¡°Look babe.¡± she said as she picked up a strand of her hair from off my pillow. ¡°I leave traces everywhere.¡± ¡°You have beautiful hair. I love your hair.¡± I said. ¡°I have no problem with you leaving traces. Leave as many as you please. Please.¡± ¡°I leave a lot in the bathroom.¡± she said. ¡°I take two showers a day and I blow dry my hair a lot.¡± ¡°Not a problem. I hope to find your strands in my bathroom one day.¡± I said as I massaged the back of her neck with my right hand then ran it gently through her hair. ¡°Did I tell you about my Yorkie?¡± ¡°Suki?¡± ¡°You remembered?¡± she said as she smiled widely. ¡°I didn¡¯t think you would remember her name.¡± ¡°Of course I remembered.¡± ¡°Suki likes to jump in my lap. She loves me you know.¡± ¡°She does?¡± I teased. ¡°The hell you say!¡± ¡°Yep!¡± ¡°Well, it¡¯s probably because you¡¯re so loveable.¡± I told her. ¡°Are you ready for your half tomorrow?¡± ¡°You remembered I had a half marathon tomorrow?¡± she exclaimed with a look of shock. ¡°Of course. I remember everything you tell me. Everything you tell me is important enough to remember don¡¯t you think?¡± ¡°I¡¯m just not used to a man remembering anything I tell him.¡± Anya told me about her half marathon the night we met at RJ¡¯s. I could hardly run a mile let alone the thirteen she planned to run tomorrow morning. She informed me she had broken her right ankle a couple of times while running which surprised me because I had no idea that was even possible for runners to do. I had sprained my ankle a few times playing basketball before but that involved jumping. Anya ran every morning at 5 a.m. before she took her kids to school and I found her discipline inspiring because I worked out every other evening after work, mostly weightlifting and a little cardio as I started to become more conscious about the importance of running due to the sedentary nature of my profession. If you didn¡¯t eat right while working in public accounting you may need a crane to be airlifted out of bed one day so I always made a conscious effort to eat healthy and to work out accordingly. Anya ate much healthier than I did though as she became a vegetarian after she unsuspectedly walked in on a slaughterhouse documentary on television when she was eight years old which left her sick to her stomach. Her sense of self-discipline was verified by my sight and disbelief of the physical perfection that laid in my arms so for her to doubt herself in any way greatly surprised me, but after being disrespected by a man she loved so many times, I understood that her self-doubts were as valid as my own. ¡°What¡¯s your sign babe?¡± she asked randomly. ¡°Do you believe in astrology?¡± ¡°I think it carries some truth about people.¡± ¡°You know it¡¯s funny but as much as I believed in love I never took horoscopes seriously.¡± I said. ¡°If you must know though, I am a bearer of water. I bear water wherever I go. Supposedly.¡± ¡°Ha! An Aquarius! I should have known since today is your birthday I¡¯m a Cap!¡± ¡°A Cap?¡± ¡°A Capricorn! I wonder if we¡¯re compatible signs? You know Caps are known for having to be in control.¡± ¡°That¡¯s interesting.¡± I remarked, surprised by trait she chose to share with me. ¡°I think the only thing Aquarians are in control of are their bowel movements...and even that¡¯s iffy.¡± ¡°Oh, please!¡± she said, lightly punching me in the shoulder. ¡°I think Aquarians are free spirited. Very loving.¡± ¡°Well, that doesn¡¯t sound like a bad thing, and it sounds very accurate when you consider how much I love you.¡± ¡°Well, even if we weren¡¯t compatible signs, I would ignore it because I love you so much.¡± she told me as she put her face to mine, her eyes telling me she wanted to be kissed. ¡°I appreciate that.¡± I replied before obliging her eyes. She then fell back upon my bed and looked up at the ceiling, her black hair beautifully sprawled out across the pillow. All I could do was get lost in her pure beauty and how happy she appeared to be here with me as she returned my gaze and smiled. ¡°I met my husband when I was nineteen. He was thirty.¡± she informed me. ¡°How did you guys meet?¡± ¡°I was just walking outside, along Belmont Shore in Long Beach. He pulled over in his black Porsche and stopped to talk. We must have talked for an hour before I gave him my phone number.¡± she said. ¡°Even at the time I met him I was unsure of his motives, but as I got to know him, he had it so together. He drove a nice car and had things that made me sad I didn¡¯t have.¡± ¡°You were sad he had things you didn¡¯t have?¡± I asked. ¡°Did you grow up poor?¡± ¡°No. My parents were middle class, but it always made me sad to see my friends with nicer things than I had.¡± ¡°You were only nineteen.¡± I reminded her. ¡°It¡¯s easy for girls to be attracted to a man like him, a guy who could give them a house with the white picket fence and get them away from living under the same roof with their parents. I get it because it appears to be a completely independent, carefree and the happiest of lives to live. What woman wouldn¡¯t want that? I understand there are women who are gold diggers who are solely into men for the wrong reasons but all women should want a man who can provide for them. I don¡¯t see anything wrong with that at all. I don¡¯t think it¡¯s a bad thing to want a man who is good provider but I believe a man has to be at least three things in this world to be truly worthy of a woman¡¯s heart.¡± ¡°What are those three things?¡± ¡°I believe a man needs to be a good provider, a good father and a good husband.¡± I explained. ¡°They can¡¯t be mutually exclusive for a marriage to last. I think your husband has two out of the three, but he failed at the one he needed most of all.¡± ¡°Being a good husband is more important than being a good father?¡± ¡°Why certainly.¡± ¡°How is that more important?¡± ¡°Well, I feel if a man fails to take care of the needs of his wife, she will be unhappy and then this unhappiness would be reflected on her children which in turn would hinder her ability to be the best mother she could be. I mean¡­what do you think your kids think of you?¡± ¡°I think they believe I¡¯m an unloving person.¡± ¡°For your kids to think that the most loving person I¡¯ve ever known is unloving is a real tragedy Sweetheart--a real tragedy.¡± ¡°You¡¯re right. It¡¯s sad. You know my husband and I dated for four years and then broke up. I was actually engaged to another man at one time.¡± ¡°Really? I thought you and your husband have been together for the last twenty years?¡± ¡°No, we had a break.¡± she said. ¡°but he came back into my life and I left the man I was engaged to. Broke his heart so badly he moved to another state.¡± I didn¡¯t know what to say so I just nodded my head from the shock of her revelation. There were times in my life I often wondered what would have happened if I had taken another path so it was clear to me that Anya knew what point in her life she pondered the same. My heart went out to the man she was engaged to as I felt his vulnerability, weakness and pain to lose someone he loved so badly that he felt the need to leave the state, but I guess that was better than leaving the earth. I believe I would¡¯ve chosen the latter. ¡°So how many years have you guys been together?¡± I asked. ¡°cumulatively speaking.¡± ¡°Eighteen.¡± she said. ¡°How long have you been married?¡± ¡°It¡¯ll be fifteen years this year.¡± As curious as I was, I didn¡¯t want to know the date as I felt it was none of my business. I could not help hut imagine though how beautiful she must have looked on her wedding day and I was thankful; thankful I didn¡¯t know her at all back then to have my heart wrecked by the event. ¡°Did you agree with Carolyn about possibly throwing away so many years?¡± I asked. ¡°I thought a lot about what she said. Eighteen years is a lot to throw away.¡± she rationalized. ¡°I don¡¯t know. Are we being irrational?¡± ¡°Maybe I sound crazy, and please let me know if I do, but I truly believe it would only be irrational if we ignored our love for each other and for you to continue to not acknowledge your unhappiness. There''s a real reason you''re no longer in love with him.¡± I tried to explain. ¡°I believe seeking a sense of happiness and security in your life considering the circumstances could never be irrational. To the outside world what we¡¯re doing is irrational, but I don¡¯t believe we¡¯re being reckless and disrespectful at all here. For being so in love with each other we¡¯ve been pretty rational so far. I mean, we¡¯re not sleeping in your bed at home, you¡¯re here in mine. We¡¯re not driving around in your husband¡¯s cars.¡± ¡°That¡¯s true.¡± she said. ¡°I believe if my calculations are correct, your husband was my age when he cheated on you? How is that even possible when he was more than old enough to know better than that? He has a beautiful family with another child on the way? Does his being married exonerate him? I mean how does his being married make it more rational for him to do that than our love is? I¡¯m sorry but people who cheat on others are not in love with them because if they truly were, they would never risk losing the person they love, especially time and time again. Forgive me for believing our love is completely justifiable considering all he¡¯s done to your feelings for him. Only the situation makes our love appear irrational. And yes, you have eighteen years with this man, I¡¯m not discounting that but how many of those years have been truly vested years in each other? If those years are under a cloud of deceit then how truly vested are you if at all? For a man to receive the love you give and to betray it so recklessly, I don¡¯t think you¡¯re throwing anything away that hasn¡¯t been thrown away already by him.¡± ¡°I agree babe.¡± she said. ¡°I don¡¯t want to overstep my bounds with him. I do respect him greatly as the father of your children and he was the love of your life at one time but not once, not twice, not three but four times he¡¯s been unfaithful to you¡­and those are the times you know of. What about all the times he wasn¡¯t caught? What if he had brought you home a disease heaven forbid? How could our love be unjustifiable if people knew the truth?¡± After I finished that sentence, she gently came into my arms and began to weep quietly. ¡°I¡¯m sorry Sweetheart.¡± I said as I kissed her head and rubbed her back. ¡°You asked me to fight for you and that¡¯s only what I¡¯m trying to do. I love you and it¡¯s hard for me not to fight for you to see things differently. I want the best for you. That¡¯s all.¡± ¡°I know you do. You always make me feel so loved.¡± she said as she wiped her face. ¡°I¡¯ve never had that before and it makes me sad.¡± ¡°I¡¯ve never had that before either.¡± I said. ¡°Another reason I believe in us.¡± I didn¡¯t understand if her husband was suspicious or if he even knew about us why he would hold onto her. He had to know she was unhappy because of his past infidelities, so much so her kids believe she is unloving. I mean how could this be any good for their children to see? Why wouldn¡¯t he just let her go instead of holding onto a lie? If he had been faithful I could understand him holding on but why not make this right for her and set her up for happiness? I didn¡¯t need his money. I had the means to take care of her and even help out with the kids. Did he want her to be in this position where she looks like the bad guy and he goes unscathed? I mean it¡¯s not like he truly loved her. Then again, a man who truly loved his wife in this situation would let her go, so I guess I answered my own question. We held each other for another ten minutes before the end of heaven was upon us. ¡°I don¡¯t want to leave babe but¡­¡± ¡°You don¡¯t have to explain, I understand.¡± I said. ¡°Plus you have to get to the race expo to pick up your bib number for the half tomorrow.¡± ¡°Thanks for understanding.¡± ¡°Always.¡± As we sadly rose from my bed and put back on our clothes, I closed the window and blew out the candle which marked the official end of our time together. As we walked out of my room and before she reached for the door to exit my apartment she came into my arms. As I held her she started to silently weep again so I pulled her away to wipe her eyes with my thumbs. ¡°Are you okay?¡± I asked. ¡°I¡¯m fine. It just makes me sad I can¡¯t stay as long as I want to. Happy birthday my love.¡± ¡°Thanks for making it a happy one for me.¡± I said. ¡°I thought you were coming over to drop the bomb on me.¡± ¡°Really? On your birthday?¡± ¡°Um yeah...I didn¡¯t know.¡± ¡°I had no intentions of ending us.¡± she said. ¡°I just knew I had to get to you after the blow out this week.¡± ¡°I understand.¡± I said. ¡°I know it¡¯s a scary time right now for you and I respect what you¡¯re going through over there so don¡¯t hold back anything. I need to know.¡± ¡°Okay babe. Thank you.¡± ¡°Thanks for making my birthday one I¡¯ll always remember. I haven¡¯t had a better birthday in as long as I could remember. Thank you for my pen and my CD. I loved my gifts.¡± ¡°I¡¯m so glad. I love you.¡± ¡°I love you too.¡± I said then kissing her and holding her again wishing she''d never leave. We held hands on the way out as I escorted her back to the complex¡¯s front gate. As we reached the end of our trek, I gave her another hug and kissed her again, something that never got old to me nor ever felt obligated to do. As I reluctantly waved good-bye and walked away, from behind a large tree, I turned back to catch one last glimpse of her before she departed but instead of observing her exit, I found her standing there with her back to me still inside the complex with her right hand on the gate¡¯s doorknob. She then turned her head back without seeing me in an apparent genuine attempt to know how she arrived at the gate from my apartment, as if to store it in her memory for future visits. On full display was one of the reasons I loved her so deeply as she just had a way of loving people even when she thought no one was watching, and in this situation, with so much uncertainty because of the unknown variable for me when she is at home, what she just did meant the world to me. Even though her way of loving me could be unpredictable at times, it always felt strangely natural to me and somehow fully undeniable, and even I, after all my uncompromising belief in it, never knew love could feel that way. The kind where an expression of love is made without knowledge nor intent of its receipt. My birthday was the most bittersweet of days, a that word captured the very essence of our relationship as it gave us the highest of highs and left us with the lowest of lows. As far as I was concerned, my birthday was over the minute she left. My day simply could not get any better than that. Anya¡¯s love for me was vastly different from a love I had ever experienced before. It was completely unearthly, and if there was a heaven that¡¯s where it had to come from. I learned a lot about what we stood for today. I didn¡¯t want to be negative with her, but at the same time I couldn¡¯t keep my thoughts hidden. I thought for sure she was going to end our relationship today with all the pressure she felt at home and all the things she shared with me, but the fact she didn¡¯t showed me she believed in us and even as I was certain we were done forever after this week, again I learned that love always found a way to make the impossible possible and the implausible plausible. Maybe she thought it to be cruel to end it on my birthday of all days, and that was a distinct possibility but her tears told me she had no plans of doing so, and that she wanted us just as bad as I did. I realized I had to take the viewpoints others fed her and try my best to tactfully show her the other side of them. The bottom line was I knew the truth; I had to show her that she was being presented with their fears, and not their facts. I was so spent from worrying about her leaving me I went back into my room to lie down for a few minutes. As a few minutes turned into nearly two hours, I was awakened by my vibrating cell phone. 2:18 p.m. ¡°Just got back from the race expo. Thank you for all the kind words today. Loved our time together! Glad we straightened things out. I love you very much. Happy Birthday my love! Are you going to do anything special tonight?¡± ¡°I¡¯m just going to hang out with my mom and dad. They usually buy me a birthday dinner and get me a cake.¡± I texted back. ¡°Thanks again for stopping by and for the thoughtful gift. I¡¯m enamored with my pen. I can¡¯t wait to use it.¡± 1:23 p.m. ¡°You are most welcome! I wanted to give you something that would remind you of me every day. I hope you believe me when I say I love you.¡± ¡°Of course I believe you. You¡¯re always on my mind, and trust me, I love my pen but I didn¡¯t need it as a reminder of you. You¡¯re with me every day even when you can¡¯t be.¡± 1:32 p.m. ¡°I¡¯m glad. I feel the same way. You touch me every day with your kind thoughts and words. Love you very much.¡± ¡°I adore you. Thank you again for coming. I love you very much too. I miss you.¡± 1:36 p.m. ¡°I adore you too! I would drive to the other side of the world to see you. I get crazy just thinking about kissing you! I¡¯m going to miss you very much. It already hurts.¡± ¡°All the things I told you today I truly mean. I hope you know that. It might come off as over the top sometimes but it¡¯s just how I truly feel about you. I don¡¯t know how to express it any other way.¡± 1:42 p.m. ¡°I know you meant every word, I felt it. I loved it! Have fun with your family! Have a great B-day night!¡± My birthday was over now as far as I was concerned, but I would try. When I arrived at my mother¡¯s house, she had all the party favors ready, a candle embedded chocolate cake front and center on the kitchen counter with a large pizza for us on the kitchen table along with a birthday card. After we had pizza, my mom and dad then serenaded me with ¡°Happy Birthday¡± and I blew out all the candles I could. I was too full to eat cake after dinner so I kept them company and opened my card while they indulged themselves in my birthday cake. After I thanked them for the generous hundred dollar gift card to Macy¡¯s where I purchased my work clothes I retreated to my mother¡¯s room to watch television with her for a bit while my father went to the rec center to work the clock for an evening basketball game. As the theme to ¡°The Golden Girls¡± in my mother¡¯s room penetrated my ear drums, I felt my phone suddenly vibrating in my jeans pocket and I begrudgingly grabbed it as I hoped it contained a message that didn¡¯t ruin the day. 7:42 p.m. ¡°Goodnight! Love you!¡± ¡°Goodnight! Love you more!¡± I text back to her happily. 7:54 p.m. ¡°Love u, love u, love u!!!!!¡± ¡°Times that text by infinity then you might come close to my love for you.¡± I text to her. 7:57 p.m. ¡°You melt my heart. Wish you were here with me. Xoxo!¡± ¡°I wish I could be with you right now. It¡¯s hard to believe today happened.¡± 8:03 p.m. ¡°It was like a dream! I¡¯m laughing inside about our ¡°irrational¡± thoughts. You know you are ¡°Stronger¡±! ¡°I¡¯m not stronger; I just play it off well. I want the same thing you do. Are you doing anything special tonight?¡± 8:07 p.m. ¡°I¡¯m alone tonight. Finishing up dinner with Debbie (who is crazy about Special Ed) and Carolyn.¡± ¡°Who isn¡¯t crazy about Special Ed? Deep down she wants him.¡± I teased back. 8:13 p.m. ¡°She just fell off her chair!!! Goodnight baby! Miss you and love you! Dream about us! Xoxo!¡± ¡°Goodnight! Good luck on your race tomorrow! Miss you and love you too! Xoxo!¡± After I was done texting, I looked back at my mother who smiled in my direction without an utter of a single word. I know it meant a lot to her to see me happy even though I knew she couldn¡¯t accept it wholeheartedly, but her smile at least confirmed it was nice for her to see for once. As I reflected back on her text and considered the events that deprived me of a decent night¡¯s rest during the week, I knew dreaming about us would not be a problem. CHAPTER 10 ~ V-DAY ¡°Love is our true destiny. We do not find the meaning of life by ourselves alone ¨C we find it with another.¡± ~ Thomas Merton 10:45 a.m. ¡°Soaked! Such abuse! Let¡¯s see, break down immune system, wear and tear on knees, freeze body and feed it beer! It was actually fun though! We really pushed and made decent time considering. Did you have a nice B-day night?¡± I texted Anya to see how her half marathon went and when I read her text, it made me thankful running a half marathon was not an item on my bucket list. In fact if I were to run a half marathon I would never live long enough to finish the other items on the list. I told her my birthday night could have only been better if I had spent it with her, but it was still nice. Since I knew she was busy with her race group, I told her I would talk to her later and that I missed her. 11:00 a.m. ¡°Have a fun Super Bowl day! Miss you too!¡± For an avid sports fan like myself to forget it was Super Bowl Sunday was such an awakening as it was just like forgetting today was a payday; a day that I just would never forget. I never did much on Super Bowl Sundays to begin with. My mom usually had a non-alcoholic beverages party at the house where she invited some close friends and family over, however I preferred to watch the game with my friends because of the crude banter and the drinking, but I knew it also meant a lot to my mother to have me watch the game with her at the house. She wasn''t much of a sports fan at all, and probably couldn''t tell you the names of the two teams playing, but she would decorate the living room with plastic football helmets and streamers with the colors of both teams simply because she knew sports meant a lot to me so my plan was to watch it with my parents this time around. This particular year pitted the New York Football Giants versus the New England Patriots. Tom Brady, the star quarterback for the Patriots, had led them to an unbeaten season heading into the big game and had a chance to do something only one other team had done in NFL history and that was to go undefeated in a season, and I, along with nearly ninety-nine percent of America believed the Giants didn¡¯t have a chance. It was a big reason why I didn¡¯t care much for the game this particular year because I thought they would get massacred, but as unexpected as falling in love was for me, the Giants jumped all over the undefeated Patriots early and led 9-0 after the first quarter. Even though the beginning of the game carried with it a huge surprise, the biggest surprise of the day was about to come my way, and it had nothing to do with the score of the game. 4:02 p.m. ¡°Hope you don¡¯t have money on the Patriots!¡± I was extremely surprised to hear from her during the Super Bowl and it suddenly made the game much more fun, and it only took thirty or so prior Super Bowls I had watched to feel this excited about the game. ME: ¡°Can you believe the Patriots are losing? Good thing I didn¡¯t bet on this one! Lots of time left though. I think the Pats will pull this out.¡± ANYA: ¡°We¡¯ll see! Wish we were watching together. Going to one of my girlfriend¡¯s at half time for a ¡°girls only¡± Super Bowl party.¡± ME: ¡°I wish we were watching it together too. I don¡¯t know how much of the game we¡¯d watch but I guarantee it would be a lot of fun! Have fun with your friends!¡± ANYA: ¡°We would have a lot of fun! Thank you baby! I love you!¡± ME: ¡°I love you!¡± The Patriots had to settle for a field goal and still trailed 9-3 just before halftime when I heard from her again. 5:17 p.m. ¡°Sorry baby! Have a beer!¡± ME: ¡°Um¡­yeah. I think I may need more than one. I can¡¯t believe what I¡¯m seeing!¡± ANYA: ¡°Ha! I think you should have one!¡± ME: ¡°I can¡¯t even get an O¡¯Doul¡¯s at this party! Trust me on this though. Just watch. The Patriots have been here before. They¡¯re going to come back and score on this drive. They are too good not to.¡± I texted. Three minutes passed before I received my affirmation text. 5:30 p.m. ¡°Yeah baby!!! You called it!¡± Tom Brady had just hit Danny Woodhead for a touchdown to put the Patriots up 10-9 over the Giants at halftime. I usually followed the NFL season closely enough to know you don¡¯t go the entire season undefeated being easy to put away. I knew they would make their run against the Giants but nothing could have prepared me for the end of the game and the helmet catch made by David Tyree of the Giants with time winding down. After that miraculous catch I texted her. ME: ¡°Did you see that? I can¡¯t believe that just happened. The guy basically caught the football with his freaking helmet! Can you believe this game?¡± ANYA: ¡°I did! I¡¯m stunned!¡± ME: ¡°The Giants are going to win this. Unbelievable. This is the best Super Bowl game I¡¯ve ever seen.¡± ANYA: ¡°Seriously babe! One of the best Super Bowls, though I must say mostly because I got to share it with you.¡± When I read this text, I could honestly say for the first time in my life, my heart truly melted, and I felt extremely blessed to have a woman in my life who would watch the Super Bowl with me and actually be into the game as much as I was. Super Bowl Forty Two was eventually won by the Giants 21-17. They had pulled off an improbable upset against one of the greatest teams in NFL history. It was the greatest championship game I had ever watched in any sport even to this day, but well beyond that, its spectacular finish was second to sharing it with Anya. I probably would have never watched it if she didn¡¯t text me about it and I would have missed every unexpected lead change and every miraculous catch. Although she wasn¡¯t tangibly there, she was with me the entire time, and that was a special feeling, one that breathed in both of us that with love anything was possible. ¡°Did Anya enjoy the game?¡± my mother asked me. ¡°She did.¡± I said. ¡°Sorry I got a little wrapped up with her. Did you enjoy it?¡± ¡°Yeah, but I¡¯m tired and my side hurts.¡± she said as she began to clean up around the living room. ¡°What¡¯s wrong with your side?¡± I asked as I walked over to help her. ¡°I got it Mom. Go lie down.¡± ¡°Thanks Honey.¡± she said as she stood up gingerly and sighed. ¡°Oh it¡¯s nothing. I just pulled a muscle cleaning the other day. It happens.¡± My mother was dressed in a dark green robe she usually wore around the house. As I looked at her it was hard not to notice how her appearance had changed over the last five years, and I could see how losing a breast, had affected her mentally. The half sunken part of her clothing at her chest area was normal to me, and I never thought about how it made her feel because it never seemed to bother her, but seeing my mom¡¯s appearance change made me realize how much it affected her even though she would never admit it. I wouldn¡¯t say she gave up, she always kept herself up, always getting her nails and hair done, but I will say she cared less. I didn¡¯t know the toll it took on her; I just noticed the toll it took. To lose a part of herself which made a woman a woman had to be difficult on her and it sure put my heartbreaks of the past into proper perspective. As she walked back to her room, I began to take the remaining party favors down and then walked outside to throw them away in the trash bin. I then got lost looking at earth¡¯s lone satellite clad in orange, and it made me happy to know someone I loved could see the same beauty above me. Since happiness and contentment were such alien feelings to me, I reveled in them under the lunar spectacle for a few minutes before I went back inside the house. When I returned I found my mother vacuuming the living room. After I insisted to let me vacuum for her she persisted in shooing me away. Even though I never understood it, my mom¡¯s greatest joy in this life came when she cleaned the house and any assistance was often frowned upon. It was at that time I decided to go into her bedroom to grab my wallet and car keys to begin my journey back home, but I stopped dead in my tracks when I noticed a full bottle of pills on top of her dresser. The only pills I had ever taken at the time were over the counter and really only for the caffeine kick than for the pain relief, but I had tweaked my back slightly at the gym a few months earlier so her pills caught my curiosity. My mom had prescriptions for many drugs because of her cancer but nothing I ever considered taking, but I wanted something to help me recover quicker if I ever hurt my back again. ¡°Hey Mom!¡± I yelled. ¡°What?¡± she asked as she waddled gingerly into her room. ¡°What are these pills for?¡± ¡°It¡¯s for my arthritis.¡± ¡°Arthritis?¡± I asked. ¡°Mom you¡¯re only sixty.¡± ¡°I¡¯ve had bone cancer honey.¡± she said. ¡°Oh. I didn¡¯t know you still needed to take pills for that.¡± ¡°Only once in a while. It¡¯s not often.¡± she clarified. ¡°I don¡¯t really care for these pills, but I need them sometimes for the pain.¡± ¡°What are they?¡± ¡°Vicodin.¡± ¡°What¡¯s Vicodin?¡± I asked. ¡°It¡¯s a painkiller.¡± ¡°I pull my back out sometimes when I work out. Do you mind if I try one if it happens again? Would it hurt me?¡± ¡°Just one.¡± she said. ¡°It won¡¯t hurt you, but it¡¯ll make you a little loopy so don¡¯t drive.¡± ¡°Okay. Thanks.¡± As I stuffed it in my pocket, I doubted I would ever take it, and I really only hurt my back weightlifting once in a blue moon, but I figured I would try it to see if it would help the next time I did. Anya had a pretty busy schedule over the next few days. Her daughter was competing in a ballet competition from Friday to Sunday as she was one of the moms who helped out the girls backstage with the outfit changes. Notwithstanding her heavy workload during the week preparing meeting presentations as well for work, I prepared myself for the wait to see her again which was fine because my schedule was full as well due to my CPA firm¡¯s busy season. During this time apart however Anya shared with me her daily details, such as her mom being upset with her because she ran the half marathon in the rain despite Anya informing her that there were thousands of other crazies that joined her that day. Anya¡¯s mom seemed a lot like my own mother; very sweet and overprotective. She also shared with me that she had to play catch with her son after he got home from school because he needed to practice for his baseball team this season. She then told me her son had told her she couldn¡¯t handle his ¡°heat¡± but she hung in there anyway. It brought me back to the time I played baseball in my youth and how my dad would play catch with me and hit me fly balls after school when he got home from work. They were fond times for me growing up, and my Dad and I certainly have had our moments, but he was always there. My father was a tugboat operator for the same company that owned the Chicago Cubs, Wrigley. He worked no less than ten hour shifts at a time and he really didn¡¯t have the flexibility to make his own schedule yet he still found the time for me no matter how tired he was at the end of the day or what he had to do afterwards. Even though I did reserve my judgments about this for later, I had to say it irked me that Anya¡¯s husband, Andrew¡¯s father, wasn¡¯t the one playing catch with Andrew after school. Even though he was extremely busy with his own business, and I¡¯m sure there were times he couldn¡¯t be there, he still had the flexibility to make his own schedule, something my father was not able to do. In my hearts of hearts, I believed he wasn¡¯t there for his son as much as he should be, and it allowed me to dream. To dream of playing catch and hitting fly balls to Andrew one day, and though I¡¯d only be a stepfather, I dreamt of being as close to a father to him as I could without overstepping my bounds. It broke my heart to know Anya filled a void I believe shouldn¡¯t have existed. It was hard enough being a mother but for her to be a father too just broke my heart. I had a hard time during the week forgetting about the greatness of Saturday afternoon. I missed seeing her on my bed smiling at me with her beautiful hair sprawled out across my pillow. I missed her touch. I missed her scent. I missed her laugh. I just missed everything about her. In fact, I missed her so much I searched for traces of her hair in my room but could not find any. Our connection with each other was on a level best explained by the Universe itself as it seemed the minute I ached to hear from her, she would somehow find a way to satisfy my longing. 4:44 p.m. ¡°Hope you¡¯re having a nice day. Just thinking of you.¡± ME: ¡°I was just thinking of you too! How¡¯s your day going?¡± ANYA: ¡°Not too bad, surprisingly!¡± ME: ¡°I was just thinking about Saturday afternoon. Miss you.¡± ANYA: ¡°Miss you too. I¡¯ve been thinking about Saturday as well. I just wonder when¡­¡± Her text about ¡°when¡± caught me by surprise. I didn¡¯t know how to respond but it seemed like she was apprehensive, as if she didn¡¯t trust my feelings for her. It was at this time I knew I would have to step up the display of my feelings for her. I wanted to tell her I was just on my hands and knees searching for a strand of her hair but I didn¡¯t want her to think I was a possible long lost relative of Charles Manson. The problem was I had so many feelings for her and it had only been a little over two months, but in the same breath it was undeniable so why hold back? I felt I was being selfish by doing so, and Anya needed to know my feelings; she needed to feel secure in my love for her. Since I put myself in this position it was apparent I needed to step up or step out. As much as I believed in love, the one thing I didn¡¯t love was myself. Sure, Anya¡¯s love for me made me feel loved but the truth was I had spent too much time thinking negatively of myself, and trying to better myself so I could love who I was that it crippled me. I knew very little about loving other people but I knew I was better at that than loving myself. All I knew about love was through observation, movies, books, songs and instincts, and even though Anya made it possible, a man who did not love himself had to find a way to love someone else to truly know what love was. For me to lay it all out there, and to bare all which I believed took more courage than skydiving, was a huge leap of faith for me but she was worth the self-sacrifice. Love was simply derived from acts of selflessness and I had to show her, unlike her husband did, that this was not about me, but about we. At the same time I had to recognize Anya was immensely attractive and I was certain sex was mainly what all other guys probably wanted from her. All I truly wanted was her heart and I believed ¡°when¡± would naturally follow, and hopefully it would be the best she ever experienced. The bottom line was she needed to know how much she meant to me. ME: ¡°No pressure Sweetheart. ¡°When¡± will happen when it¡¯s supposed to. Can I see you next week?¡± ANYA: ¡°Yes babe. Next week for sure. I¡¯ll get back to you about the day. Are you still at work?¡± ME: ¡°Sounds great! No babe. I¡¯m home. On my hands and knees cleaning.¡± ANYA: ¡°Wish I was at ¡°home¡± with you. Have a goodnight baby. I love you.¡± ME: ¡°I wish you here too. Have a good night Sweetheart. I love you.¡± Later that week, she text me to make plans to meet on the afternoon of Wednesday, February thirteenth. Even after a twelve hour workday, I spent the entire week journaling until midnight each night to capture all my thoughts and feelings for her. I just needed to make sure she understood all my feelings, and that they were real and sincere. As I recorded them in my journal, I ached to text them to her before the thirteenth, but I knew it was better to tell her face to face so she could look in my eyes and know I meant every word I said. She needed to know this relationship wasn¡¯t about sex at all. I truly and wholly loved her, and that I was willing to put my fragility and vulnerability aside so she would feel a true sense of safety. I decided to let work know I would be in late on that Wednesday afternoon. I had a ton of accrued paid personal days I never used nor had a reason to before I met Anya so I decided to utilize them for the first time in the seven years I had been with the firm. In the morning though, I went to the gym but something funny happened on my way to a great day¡­I ended up pulling out my back. I had tweaked my back a total of only three times in my life up to this point, however each time held a story all its own. The first time a few years ago, it started to tighten up on me so badly, the pain forced me to the ground, but unfortunately I was outside when it happened and had to lie down face first into a patch of hard dirt where for ten minutes I waited for the intense pain to subside. The second time a year ago I was hunched over so badly from the tightness that a much older gentleman, at least forty years my senior, carefully walked over to ask me if I was okay. When I was finally able to look up at him and notice his perfect posture, I gave him a ¡°thumbs up¡± sign and thanked him. My back would usually feel better a week later and I was always able to resume weightlifting but those first few days were rough. Now that Anya was coming by, the last thing I wanted her to do was see me like this and think her life would be spent pushing me around in a wheelchair. I usually tidied up my place and made it smell pleasant before she arrived but the pain prevented me from doing as much as I normally did. I knew I had to somehow figure a way to hide it from her as I noticed my back usually stiffened up on me whenever I sat down, so I decided to lie face down on my bed instead with an ice pack on my back until she arrived. When I received my ¡°here¡± text from her, I took the now warm ice pack off my back and even though the pain was still there I could at least walk upright. I stretched out my back slightly as I leaned up against the doorway of my room for a few seconds before I began my tender stroll down to meet her at the gate. After what felt like an hour of time had elapsed, I finally reached the gate, and when I was greeted by her warm smile, the pain in my back and the fatigue I felt from the late nights spent journalizing my feelings seemed to all fade away. Whenever Anya smiled, she had a healthy glow that gleamed from her cheek bones. Although she was beautiful whether she smiled or not, there was a godliness to her beauty whenever she smiled at me, or maybe it was just the way it made me feel about myself knowing I was the reason why she smiled that made it seem heavenly. She arrived to my place as beautiful as I had ever seen her, dressed in a light purple sundress that exposed her tan shoulders and legs. I stood there mesmerized by how gorgeous she looked and I let it be known after I thanked her for visiting me. She then grabbed my hand in hers as she usually did which always increased my heart rate. As we walked hand in hand back to my apartment there was an unrivaled anticipation from her previous visits that followed us. You might be reading a pirated copy. Look for the official release to support the author. Everything was going fantastically until I took the very first step up the stairs to my apartment as my back began to tighten and I let out an audible groan. ¡°What¡¯s wrong babe?¡± she asked. ¡°Oh, nothing Sweetheart. I¡¯m fine.¡± I said before grunting upon my attempt up the second stair. ¡°No, something is hurting you.¡± she said as she placed her hand gently on my face. ¡°What is it?¡± ¡°I¡¯m fine.¡± I said as I bowed my head downwards in an attempt to hide my grimace. ¡°Are you sure?¡± ¡°I¡¯m sure.¡± I said in a near death metal singer tone, but as I took the third step the pain intrusively shot up my back as it felt aflame. ¡°Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah.¡± ¡°Is it your back babe?¡± she asked as she started to lightly touch my lower back. ¡°What happened?¡± ¡°I pulled it working out this morning. It happens once in a while but not like this. I¡¯m okay. Just give me a second. I¡¯m sorry Sweetheart.¡± I said as I looked up at her as if I was Quasimodo. ¡°Nothing to be sorry about babe. I¡¯m here for you.¡± she said. ¡°Take your time. Don¡¯t stress out.¡± ¡°Whew. Just give me a few seconds.¡± I said as the burning sensation began to mercifully dissipate. ¡°Okay. Let¡¯s try this again.¡± Relieved that the pain began to subside, I straightened myself up for my next attempt up the stairs. I then took another step gingerly and after the twelfth step I was finally at the door of my apartment. As I let us both in and after she put her purse on my kitchen counter top she grabbed my hand and led me to my bedroom where I laid down face first on my bed as my back again began to burn. Anya then gingerly and carefully perched herself on the back of my hamstrings and began to lightly touch and massage the lower middle part of my back. ¡°Right here babe?¡± she whispered. ¡°Right there.¡± I said as she found it. ¡°I¡¯m so sorry you¡¯re in pain.¡± she said. ¡°I¡¯m sorry you drove all the way over here to have to see me like this.¡± ¡°I wish I could make it feel better.¡± she said as she lifted my shirt up slightly and kissed the lower part of my back. I lay still for a few minutes longer while she carefully rubbed my lower back; consumed by the pain but more consumed by the love she showed me. ¡°Thank you Sweetheart. It¡¯s starting to feel better now.¡± I said as the throbbing began to cease. ¡°What were you doing when you pulled it?¡± ¡°Squats.¡± I said. ¡°It always happens when I do squats. I really should know better by now. I was pretty tired this morning and not really concentrating on my form.¡± ¡°That¡¯s when you¡¯re more likely to hurt yourself babe.¡± ¡°Not one of my better ideas.¡± I told her, smiling. ¡°Did you ever meet Flora?¡± she asked me as she continued to massage my back. ¡°I don¡¯t think so. Who¡¯s Flora?¡± ¡°Oh. I thought I introduced you to her at Paseo¡¯s.¡± ¡°Oh? I don¡¯t think I ever got the chance to meet her that night.¡± ¡°She¡¯s another good friend of mine. She¡¯s a Ya-Ya like Carolyn and Debbie. She lives just down the street from me¡± she explained. ¡°It looks like she might be getting a divorce.¡± ¡°How come?¡± ¡°Her husband cheated on her again. It¡¯s the second time.¡± ¡°I¡¯m sorry to hear that.¡± I said as I also felt the need to explain myself . ¡°I hope I don¡¯t sound like an advocate for divorce to you because of our relationship. I think divorce is the last resort but at the same time I believe self-respect should be non-negotiable. It actually breaks my heart to hear these things. I¡¯m only an advocate for love. You¡¯ve taught me how important it is to be happy in life.¡± ¡°You¡¯ve taught me that too babe.¡± ¡°What do you think she will do?¡± ¡°Well, I talked to her for a little bit. It brought back some memories for me. I cried with her.¡± she said. ¡°I¡¯m not sure. Her husband wants to talk.¡± ¡°How did she find out?¡± ¡°A friend told her.¡± ¡°Oh.¡± As Anya massaged my back, I wondered how her friend¡¯s decision would affect her own. I didn¡¯t know whether this was good news for us or not, but at least she could learn something about the process; a process I knew very little of, but I knew now more than ever she needed to know I truly loved her. ¡°My back feels much better now. Come lay down next to me Sweetheart so I can look at you.¡± I said. ¡°Are you sure?¡± ¡°I feel so much better. Thank you.¡± ¡°Okay. My pleasure.¡± she said as she took her place on the left side of my bed. As she lay on her side next to me with her hands clasped near her face I could see the love in her eyes a love certain enough not to be said, and great enough to be felt. I had so many things I wanted her to know, but I had never put myself on the line before with my feelings, always afraid they may scare someone away, but the look in her eyes told me that it was the right thing to do. Before I could say a word though, she had something she wanted to tell me. ¡°I¡¯m glad you¡¯re in my life. I¡¯m very thankful.¡± she said. ¡°Our love is one I¡¯ve never known before.¡± ¡°I¡¯m grateful too. I¡¯ve never known a love like this either.¡± ¡°Do you think if we were together¡­¡± she paused. ¡°We would last forever?¡± ¡°Without a doubt.¡± I said without hesitation. ¡°Unless you cheated on me then you could have my money. All the money in the world isn¡¯t worth not being loved when I believed I was.¡± ¡°I¡¯d never cheat on you.¡± she said. ¡°I¡¯d never cheat on you too.¡± ¡°I¡¯m afraid you would.¡± she sadly replied. ¡°Why would you think that? I would never cheat on you Sweetheart.¡± ¡°I don¡¯t know. Karma?¡± ¡°I think karma would find you if you had initiated the cheating, but I think cheating on someone means you are unfaithful when the other party is acting faithfully.¡± I stated. ¡°I don¡¯t believe you¡¯re cheating, you¡¯re not in love with your husband because of his infidelities. You have never hid that from him, so much so you never kiss him nor tell him you love him when he says it to you. You¡¯re just not buying it from him and I don¡¯t think that is karma worthy. I think it¡¯s on him to make this right for you by letting you go. Now if your husband had been faithful and we¡¯re doing this, then yeah to me that¡¯s cheating, and I would fear karma, but I can tell you this without a doubt, I would never cheat on you. Ever. I would have to be the greatest scumbag, even worse than your husband, to cheat on you after all you¡¯ve been through and after we had taken this chance together.¡± ¡°I love you very much Landyn.¡± ¡°I love you very much too. Your love is the greatest feeling I have ever known.¡± I said. ¡°But as much as I would have hated to go through the rest of my life without knowing your love, I would of in a heartbeat if it meant you were never betrayed by your husband. I really wished that had never happened to you. I really wished he would have stayed faithful and you were happy in this life. I would give up this feeling in a heartbeat if I could have changed that for you.¡± ¡°I love your sweet words and thoughts.¡± ¡°It¡¯s just how I feel.¡± I said as I looked into her beautiful brown eyes. ¡°I¡¯ve never felt so strongly about anyone or anything before. I love you to pieces. Every little piece that makes you up I¡¯m in love with. The only thing I would change about you is the situation. In my eyes, you are the perfect woman. Your love has opened my heart and eyes to things and feelings I never knew existed or I was capable of ever experiencing. I understand why things are said the way they are said now. I understand why people sing songs of love and how they¡¯re able to find the right words to touch people. You make me feel like I¡¯m part of the human race, and that¡¯s big because I never truly have. You know, I don¡¯t like to text you throughout the day because I know I¡¯m a distraction to you but your texts really make my day. They motivate me and they help me work harder knowing if I do, I can bring you the happiness in your life you deserve. Just hearing from you gets me through my day because you¡¯re on my mind throughout it. I love you with all my heart and if I was offered all the money in the world in exchange for your love, I would choose your love.¡± ¡±I think I just feel deeper.¡± she whispered. ¡°I love you with all my heart too. You¡¯re remarkable to me. How your love is not based on any agendas; it¡¯s just a natural love. I think it¡¯s true love.¡± As I watched her look at my lips and then back weakly into my eyes my lips gently met hers. ¡°I think it is too.¡± I said. ¡°No doubt.¡± ¡°The more I get to know you the harder it gets at home.¡± she revealed. ¡°Sometimes I feel like I¡¯m keeping you from experiencing the greatest love of all.¡± ¡°What could be greater than this love?¡± I asked. ¡°The love of having a child.¡± she explained. ¡°Before I knew you I would¡¯ve agreed with you.¡± I said. ¡°Now, I think at my age and knowing this love. I think having kids is overrated.¡± ¡°Ha! I have to agree it¡¯s overrated.¡± she said. ¡°But I still think you should experience it.¡± ¡°If I can¡¯t have a child with you. It¡¯s not worth the experience to me.¡± All I ever told Anya was the truth. It was from my heart. I meant it. I loved kids, and if falling in love had happened earlier in my life, this would all sound crazy to me, but it never did and after meeting Anya I was more than okay with never having a child. It¡¯s a hard world out there and in this day and age, it almost means to have a child is to have a huge ego as well. At this point in my life, after all I had ever grown to learn especially knowing they would have at least half my brain, I felt it would do them more harm than good. If I couldn¡¯t shield them completely from the pain this world brought upon us all, then it was best to keep them safely unborn. ¡°I can see you with a cute younger girl.¡± she said. I knew fear. I knew self-doubt. I knew heartbreak. I knew Anya was having one of those scary moments and I recognized it immediately. ¡°Young girls have no idea what love is.¡± I shot. ¡°I¡¯m not saying I prefer older women, but I do prefer mature women, and cute young girls are mostly immature. Looks don¡¯t last forever anyway. I¡¯m only drawn to you. You¡¯re the only woman I¡¯ve ever known who understands what love is.¡± ¡°Why do you believe that I¡¯m the only one who understands what love is?¡± ¡°Because of the way it was taken from you.¡± I said. ¡°You know what it means, and what it should stand for. How fragile and precious it is, and I respect you greatly for that. When you meet someone like you, who has been through all you have, that¡¯s something you hold on to. Your belief in what love should stand for is one of the reasons why I love you so much.¡± ¡°I feel really bad that you¡¯re so loyal to me and I think that¡¯s really hard on you babe. I feel like we¡¯re not really together because we don¡¯t see each other as often as we want. I don¡¯t know how you manage it.¡± ¡°How I manage it?¡± I laughed. ¡°Yes babe.¡± ¡°Do you know how I manage it?¡± ¡°How?¡± ¡°Special moments like this; you and I whispering to each other when we both know there¡¯s no one else around. That¡¯s what makes it easy. That¡¯s what makes it worth the wait.¡± ¡°I just worry about you.¡± she said. ¡°My husband loved me and that didn¡¯t stop him from cheating on me.¡± I wondered where Anya was going with this, but her fear and mistrust had shone through brightly enough for me to finally get it. A fear that was perfectly normal for her to feel, and I¡¯m glad she did because truly, how did a man in her life remain faithful when she wasn¡¯t technically with him? The man she married wasn¡¯t even faithful to her so what would be my incentive to be? Sure, there was a lot of love between us but the bottom line was she was not used to being truly loved by another man. I knew my work was cut out for me, but I took this as an opportunity to love her more. ¡°Sweetheart, you need to know this because it¡¯s the truth. Your husband¡¯s infidelities had nothing to do with your inability to be loved but more about his inability to know how to love someone other than himself.¡± I said as I touched her face lightly with my hand. ¡°I don¡¯t think your husband knew what love was nor did he have any respect for it. There¡¯s a great humility that goes into loving someone that he lacks. I feel I am what he could never be. My being loyal to you is natural. In fact, I don¡¯t see anyone else but you, even when you¡¯re not with me. No woman can honestly compare to you in my eyes. It¡¯s hard to explain it because it just is. It¡¯s like the universe, like the stars and planets align, it just is. So just like the planets and stars, my faithfulness, loyalty, and respect for you are all in perfect alignment as well. My love for you just is Anya, and it doesn¡¯t wander lost like your husband¡¯s did. I believe the only love your husband knew was a love for himself because if he had truly known a love for you, he would¡¯ve never cheated, and jeopardize losing you. I¡¯m not saying he shouldn¡¯t love himself but that love falls into the shadows when you truly love someone, especially the one you loved strongly enough to ask for their hand in marriage. It¡¯s tragic you don¡¯t know how great you are in my eyes. I believe if you did you would understand why I am so loyal even when I can¡¯t see or touch you.¡± ¡°You know what I love about you babe?¡± ¡°No. Enlighten me. Please.¡± I smiled. ¡°I really love the way you listen to me.¡± she said. ¡°You hear me even when I don¡¯t tell you what I¡¯m feeling directly, and you remember everything I do tell you. That¡¯s how I know you really listen. I just love your thought process. You¡¯re very careful with your words. You not only listen to me with your ears but with your heart too.¡± ¡°It¡¯s easy to listen to and remember things about people you love.¡± I said. ¡°I really enjoy listening to you. You always have something important to say and it gives me an opportunity to know you better. I love your voice. It¡¯s different. It¡¯s not too high, not too low. Your pitch is perfect. Your voice soothes and comforts me.¡± As she moved closer to me, and I felt our feet touched she kissed me and smiled. ¡°Isn¡¯t it crazy how it seems we¡¯re always in tune with each other?¡± I said. ¡°Isn¡¯t it? It seems like we¡¯re always in sync babe. Like we¡¯re thinking about the same things.¡± she said. ¡°Can I tell you something I¡¯ve been holding on to?¡± ¡°Please.¡± I replied, apprehensively. ¡°When I think of you which is every minute of the day the first thing I see are your eyes.¡± she revealed. ¡°They¡¯re beautiful.¡± I was really thrown off by her revelation. I didn¡¯t realize she thought my eyes were beautiful. No one had ever described them as such and for it to come from someone I never loved more sent a tremor through me. ¡°I don¡¯t know what to say. Thank you. I¡¯m happy you think so.¡± ¡°What color are they babe? They are blue sometimes then green at other times.¡± ¡°I think they¡¯re hazel.¡± I replied, unsure of myself as I never paid attention to their color until now. ¡°They¡¯re gorgeous.¡± ¡°No one has ever said my eyes were beautiful before.¡± I admitted. ¡°Maybe my mother did but whoever puts any weight on that?¡± As Anya laughed at my comment, I continued to go into depth on how I felt about her. ¡°There are so many things I love about you. Things you don¡¯t realize.¡± ¡°Things I don¡¯t realize? Like what?¡± She inquired with widening eyes. ¡°The way you love is something I¡¯ve never experienced before. I listen to love songs now and you¡¯re in every one of them. By just the way you look at me, the way you¡¯re looking at me now I could not only feel your love but how deeply you care about what I have to say.¡± ¡°I cling onto every word.¡± ¡°I know you do. You don¡¯t have to say it, but all these things I say to you; all these feelings I have are so real and so easy to communicate simply because of the love in your eyes. And your eyes¡­my God¡­there¡¯s such a soft warmth to them. It¡¯s what drew me to you the first night I met you¡­the sincerity in your eyes, and I¡¯m honored to be in them and to be the one who feels that warmth. They tell me your love will never grow cold.¡± ¡°I love you.¡± she said softly. ¡°I know you do.¡± ¡°And?¡± she whispered as she smiled. ¡°Are you going anywhere else with this I hope?¡± ¡°Eventually.¡± I joked. ¡°What I meant by all this was I don¡¯t think you realize how well you love people. You just have a way of loving someone. It¡¯s just something you know how to do. You just know how to love people, effortlessly and seamlessly. The only way I could best describe it is the last time you were here. Do you remember when you paused at the gate and turned around before you left?¡± ¡°You saw that?¡± ¡°I did.¡± I confessed. ¡°I didn¡¯t want to leave.¡± ¡°The thing was you didn¡¯t know I was watching you yet you were telling me that without knowing. It¡¯s like you were loving me even when I wasn¡¯t there. You just have a way of touching people without being next to them, and I¡¯ve never heard of a love truer than that, but that¡¯s the kind of love everyone should hold out for.¡± ¡°You¡¯re the most insightful, most thoughtful, most sensitive man I know.¡± she said as I got lost in her eyes again. ¡°These are my feelings about love. Love is selfless, patient, understanding, honest, protective, comforting, giving and forgiving. You have shown me nothing but love, Landyn.¡± I pulled her body closer to me, kissed her gently then held her in my arms. ¡°I truly love you so it¡¯s easy. In fact it¡¯s too easy to take any credit for. I know what you¡¯ve been through in this loveless world because I¡¯ve been through it too. I want you to know you¡¯re deeply loved. You deserve that. I¡¯m just happy it¡¯s me.¡± ¡°I¡¯m happy we found each other. I¡¯m a lucky girl.¡± she said. ¡°You make me feel so safe in your arms.¡± ¡°I would protect you against all costs babe if you needed me to.¡± ¡°I don¡¯t just mean from physical harm.¡± she added. ¡°I feel like you would never intentionally hurt me. My heart will never break if I let you in.¡± ¡°I would never intentionally hurt anyone especially someone I love. Your heart is safe with me.¡± I said. ¡°That I promise you.¡± ¡°I hope you know you¡¯re such a special guy. You¡¯re so thoughtful. You truly care about what I do. You always follow up with questions regarding what is going on with me at the moment.¡± she whispered. ¡°Just so you know you¡¯re the only man I say ¡°I love you¡± to and the only man I kiss passionately.¡± ¡°Thank you.¡± I said. ¡°I truly care about you.¡± ¡°I know you do. You¡¯re by far the sweetest and most romantic guy I¡¯ve ever met. Life with you would be like a dream.¡± ¡°Life with you would be a dream come true.¡± I whispered. ¡°It¡¯s my dream to be with you one day.¡± she said. ¡°You know my husband and I had never sought marriage counseling and I don¡¯t desire to. Even before I met you. Again, you¡¯re not the reason I feel nothing for my husband.¡± ¡°I know Love.¡± I said. ¡°Do these feelings scare you at all?¡± she asked. ¡°You bring out feelings in me I didn¡¯t even know I was capable of feeling.¡± I paused. ¡°They keep on growing, and that¡¯s never been a good thing for me. That¡¯s the only thing that scares me. I know they¡¯re only going to grow. Do they scare you?¡± ¡°Your feelings don¡¯t scare me. I feel the same way you do.¡± she said. ¡°But they scare me in a different way.¡± ¡°How so?¡± ¡°There¡¯s no doubt about you. I believe you¡¯re the real deal.¡± she said. ¡°My biggest fear is breaking my kids¡¯ hearts. I don¡¯t feel ambivalent about my marriage at all.¡± ¡°I understand.¡± I said with a smile. ¡°but I can¡¯t believe you don¡¯t feel ambivalent to your marriage Sweetheart.¡± ¡°I¡¯m not?¡± ¡°With all due respect beautiful, isn¡¯t this moment right now all the evidence in the world for your ambivalence?¡± ¡°Ha! In that sense¡­yes.¡± she smiled. ¡°You know what I mean though don¡¯t you?¡± ¡°Totally.¡± I did get it. She was in a tough spot. Her heart. The hearts of her kids. They were not on the same page no matter how special of a guy I was. ¡°Kids are resilient though, nothing was impossible, and she hurts every day because she missed me so much¡± is what I believed in. I possessed a ¡°Where there¡¯s a will there¡¯s a way¡± mentality and over time I felt I would show her although her fears were real to have, they were just that. How, in love, things had a way of working out for the best, and I truly believed her kids would eventually not only see, but also know their real mother through me, and I think one day they would understand. I know it would take some time and again, although a lot had been felt and shared, time only claimed two months of us and the time was not now for her to leave because I wanted her to come into the best possible situation. I understood her completely though she may have felt I didn¡¯t because I¡¯ve never had children of my own. ¡°Do you feel I have the power to break your heart?¡± I asked, nervously. She looked at me with suddenly wetted soft brown eyes. ¡°Yes.¡± she whispered. ¡°You have the power to break my heart.¡± No question she had the power to break mine. After that exchange we kissed and held each other on my bed. When the intensity began to peak I slowed down a bit and we¡¯d laugh it off as it was good to know she understood it had nothing to do with her. I cursed Denise in my mind though every time our bare legs would touch as I tried to avoid contact with the bone on my leg with hers. Even though I knew it would probably be a non-issue with Anya at the same time I was afraid it may turn her off and I enjoyed the intense moments we had even though they were tempered off. When she informed me she had to go I told her okay, but when she tried to get out of my bed, with the arm I had under her, I pulled her back towards me and brought her lips to mine as the sound of her laughter warmed my heart. ¡°Sorry about that.¡± I said after I kissed her. ¡°My arm has a mind of its own. He didn¡¯t seem to like the idea of you leaving very much.¡± ¡°Ha! Tell him I¡¯m sorry, would you?¡± ¡°Will do.¡± After a couple of extra minutes with her, I eventually let her escape my embrace so she could get dressed. As she checked herself out in my mirror, I straightened out my posture against my room''s doorway before I walked her out. As we held hands on the way down, I tried to keep pace with my sore back so she wouldn¡¯t be late returning home. With another memorable day in the books for me, the minute she left the high I felt was only tempered off by her departure which left me with that all too familiar bittersweet feeling. I always made it a point to send her a text to see if she made it home okay and after she ensured me she did I was able to fall asleep for a little bit as the pain in my back began to reemerge, and it was then that I called into work to tell them I would not be in for the rest of that afternoon. The next day was a day I had never placed much value on before in my life; Valentine¡¯s Day. I had never had a reason to and secondly because I felt that everyday should be Valentine¡¯s Day when you¡¯re in love, and not just a day out of the year to remember you¡¯re in love with someone. I appreciated love and I felt it should be celebrated every day so I just felt the day was Disingenuous, but with Anya in my life now, the day had a new meaning to me and I guess it had meaning to her as well. 7:08 a.m. ¡°Happy Valentine¡¯s my love! Sending you lots of love!!! I hope your back is feeling okay.¡± ME: ¡°Happy Valentine¡¯s Day Beautiful! Sending you lots of love too!!! It¡¯s feeling a little better. Thank you.¡± After a few hours had passed, after I had struggled mightily and as quietly as possible to make it inside my office in an effort to not be noticed because I was completely hunched over as if I was in search of the nearest bell tower, Anya text me again. 10:52 a.m. ¡°Hope you¡¯re having a nice morning. Sad I can¡¯t see you for V day. Xoxo.¡± ME: ¡°I¡¯m sad too but at least we were together yesterday. I think about yesterday and I¡¯m not so sad. I just wish I could send you flowers. Xoxo.¡± ANYA: ¡°I wish I could receive flowers from you. Everyday is like V day for me though because I¡¯m in love with you. I fantasize about putting on that cocktail dress and going out on a romantic dinner with you. Miss you.¡± ME: ¡°It¡¯s the same for me too. I would love to take you out on a romantic dinner so I could see how beautiful you look in your cocktail dress. I¡¯d be one lucky man. Miss you too.¡± ANYA: ¡°Maybe someday¡­¡± It was nice to hear from her on Valentine¡¯s Day throughout the morning. It was a day for people who were in love, a day that now had significance to me. As the day began to wind down, my back stiffened up due to sitting all day which forced me to tell the receptionist I was going to head home early. On my way out of the office I saw Clyde, and when he noticed my posture he scolded me for coming in. The one thing I loved about my firm was how I was treated by the partners as Clyde treated me as if I was a member of his own family. It was something you don¡¯t see that much anymore in the workplace, and it made me work harder for the firm because of it. Clyde also was aware I rarely took time off so I knew he understood this was a good time as any to take it. When I got home, after I struggled up the stairs again, I fell face down on my bed to try and ease the soreness in my back. I believed if I rested it for the night I would be much better in the morning. It was nearly six when I received a text from Anya that stung more than my back ever could. 5:44 p.m. ¡°Hi! Have to say an early goodnight. I won¡¯t be able to text you later, dinner. Just so you know, my heart is with you. I love you.¡± Upon the receipt of her text my stomach felt like a category five storm, and I became suddenly nauseous. Her dinner date caught me by surprise, but I had to text her back something though so she would not suspect I was caught off guard. The last thing I wanted to do was ruin her evening. ME: "Have a nice dinner. Love you too.¡± After I received her text, the pain in my back was at a crescendo, and I cringed when I made a sudden move my back wasn¡¯t expecting, but the pain in my heart and mind caused me more distress than my sore back ever could as I felt catastrophically helpless and envious. After all that we shared yesterday she went on a romantic Valentine¡¯s Day dinner with her husband? Was I being too sensitive about this? Was I jumping to false conclusions? Was I hurt by this for no reason? She told me how much she loved me yesterday; surely I could overlook this and not be hurt by it? The truth was I was hurt and burdened greatly by this dinner with someone she told me she didn¡¯t love. The more thoughts that singed my mind, the more my back began to hurt because I couldn¡¯t lie still. A little over an hour passed before she text me again. 6:51 p.m. ¡°I love you.¡± That was when I knew I had to reach for something; the Vicodin my mother had given me for my back pain. After I swallowed it with the hope it would relieve my soreness, it also unexpectedly altered my reality, and I text her back. ME: ¡°I love you too.¡± CHAPTER 11 ~ AN INSATIABLE NEED ¡°I¡¯m aware of all your rules. But you know that I will run. No matter where I¡¯ll follow you. Don¡¯t make me go.¡± ~ ¡°Hold Me in Your Arms¡± Helloween I couldn¡¯t believe a day that started so well for me could end up so badly. My heart went on a Valentine¡¯s dinner date with her husband. I know that sounds ridiculous but after all we shared the previous day I felt this dinner was ridiculous. I just didn¡¯t know what to think, but after I took the Vicodin I felt surprisingly at ease with it, and I started to see a sliver of a silver lining. The truth was this, and these were the facts. Yes I was hurt, but at the same time what was she supposed to do? What could I expect her to do? Tell him no or else? I knew the rules of engagement coming in, and I wasn¡¯t ready for her to leave him regardless how much this dinner date put my patience to the ultimate test. My love for Anya was a galaxy all its own which collided into another spiraling galaxy, my sensitivity, and their collision created a whole new breeding ground to my thoughts as I couldn¡¯t deny how this dinner made me feel. How it made me feel so helpless and sad that it wasn¡¯t with me. How badly I wanted to sit next to her and talk under a barely lit candle light then go home and showed her how much she meant to me. To imagine her doing that with another man, especially with the man she told me so many horrible things about which not only allowed me, but also encouraged me to feel this way, just flat out impaled me inside. I felt I had gotten to know Anya well enough to believe she wouldn¡¯t do this to me, but maybe she would? But what would be her incentive to hurt me though? I had to be honest with myself. The anguish I felt about her dinner was overwhelming. In fact, I had never been so hurt by the actions of another woman before in my life and this came from someone who told me she loves me nearly every day. I loved Anya dearly but my heart simply couldn¡¯t take the emotions I felt especially when I considered I only got an hour of sleep last night if that, and had a long twelve hour workday ahead of me. I know she probably felt bad, but I wish she had not mentioned anything to me or at least told me about it when she was over my place. The V-Day dinner date had to be planned, and I highly doubt it wasn¡¯t an annual thing for them. I had to get down to the bottom of what this dinner was all about, and let her know I was hurt by it. It wouldn¡¯t be right if I hid these feelings from her, but as far as I was concerned, if this was an annual Valentine¡¯s dinner date I had to walk away from our relationship for good. My heart just wasn''t made for this. I usually heard from her early in the morning and when I didn¡¯t it fueled my need to let her know how this made me feel as my grief intensified. ¡°I was really hurt last night by your Valentine¡¯s Day dinner.¡± I texted. ¡°What?¡± she responded. When I received her response I was caught by surprise. It felt very insensitive of her to state ¡°what¡± as if my feelings didn¡¯t even matter. Then again, my text was straightforward and caught her by surprise so I reined in my feelings and clarified myself. ¡°I¡¯m afraid you went out on an annual Valentine¡¯s dinner date with your husband.¡± It was kind of strange to tell her this. She lived with the man. She had two kids with him. Not to mention he was only her husband. However she told me she did not love him and that she loved me, so I just expected her not to accept his love if she was seeing me. If she had decided not to give us a chance then I would have felt differently about this, but if this was indeed a dinner date then it would make me a home wrecker in every sense of the word which would propel me to end our relationship for good. 8:23 a.m. ¡°Can you call me?¡± I couldn¡¯t do it. I was too distraught and too afraid I¡¯d say the wrong thing. I was hardly awake and mentally exasperated. I didn¡¯t know quite how to respond and I had to get to work so I didn¡¯t, and let her dictate the textversation as I began my drive to the office. 8:35 a.m. ¡°Yes. I went out to an annual V day dinner. There were 10 of us. What is this all about? Can you please talk to me? I don¡¯t understand what is going on in your head. Dinner, yes. Romantic, no. What did I do after dinner? Went to sleep.¡± After I read she went with a group and then went to bed after dinner I felt very terribly for her, sad and embarrassed. She was with ten people, hardly a romantic evening for anyone. I kept driving as I felt like a complete fool, and if I was afraid to call her before this message I was petrified now. I then began to break down, just worn out by all my negative thoughts, as tears fell from my eyes. I could count the number of times I had cried in my life on one hand, but this text just tore into me as I went from devastation to compassion, and it overwhelmed me as I learned what a whirlwind of emotions truly felt like, but my heart broke a little more after I received her next few texts. 9:12 a.m. ¡°I¡¯ve been sick to my stomach since you text me this morning. Don¡¯t know how much I can handle if this little hiccup makes me this sick. I love you so much it hurts.¡± 9:13 a.m. ¡°I text you last night because I was wishing you were with me.¡± 9:15 a.m. ¡°I¡¯m sorry, I wish things were different. You don¡¯t even know how much I wanted to see you yesterday. I can¡¯t get you off my mind.¡± Upon receipt of this text for her, just a few minutes from the office, I pulled my car over to the side of the road and called her to apologize. ¡°I¡¯m sorry Sweetheart. I blew things out of proportion.¡± I said. ¡°I knew these feelings were deep but I just didn¡¯t expect to feel so hurt by your V-Day dinner. Now that you told me you were with a group I feel awful. I don¡¯t want to lie to you about my feelings and I didn¡¯t want to ruin your night by telling you how it made me feel. I¡¯m not used to being loved, and I¡¯m definitely not used to having love in my life. Did you expect to feel this way when we met? I thought I was over the days of being hurt by someone.¡± ¡°No I didn¡¯t know what to expect either. All I knew is that I was crazy about you from day one.¡± she said. ¡°Feelings are so strong I question it; it¡¯s like an infatuation. I question our strong feelings; I don¡¯t know if this is normal or even healthy. I know ¡°love¡± but not this way. I would rather die than never have you in my life.¡± I was blown away by her last statement. It was truly how I felt. The world was completely different now after meeting Anya. If I lost her, it would be the final nail in my coffin. No joke. Her love, and just who she was, meant that much to me. I was certain love would never feel like this again as I knew someone else, anyone else, would not be able to compete because I now knew what love should feel like. If she would rather die than never have me in her life, I would make sure she''d never want to die. ¡°Well, I think I¡¯m now fit for a straightjacket and a psycho ward after learning you were out with a group last night.¡± I said. ¡°Psycho ward? I don¡¯t need to commit, I know I¡¯m crazy! Crazy over you!¡± she said as she laughed. ¡°We are very lucky to have found each other. Some people go through their entire lives and never find love.¡± ¡°Maybe, and I¡¯m just applying my psychoanalysis skills here but maybe all you wanted was to be happy and to feel love in your life again and you found a guy who was willing to let you have that and that¡¯s why you don¡¯t feel ambivalent to your marriage?¡± I said. ¡°I guess sometimes I tend to think it¡¯s the lifestyle your marriage affords you more than the marriage itself that makes you feel as if you¡¯re not ambivalent to it. It was really my greatest fear last June, the first time we met. I don¡¯t believe it¡¯s a materialistic thing with you but more of an image thing. Sometimes I¡¯m afraid I¡¯m just in your life to fill a void.¡± ¡°Wow! I didn¡¯t know you felt that way.¡± she said. ¡°I think your psychoanalysis is wrong. At this time in my life, ¡°stuff¡± doesn¡¯t matter. I don¡¯t have anything to prove. Just want to be happy again, but never asked or wanted to fall in love like this. You know the clich¨¦, ¡°money doesn¡¯t buy you happiness¡±? I understand it. The way you make me feel, I want to have it again. I haven¡¯t ¡°felt¡± in years. My kids are my life right now. I truly love them and care about their well-being. I would give up my ¡°lifestyle¡± and ¡°image¡± in a heartbeat if my kids were not in the picture. I would be the luckiest girl to have a future with you. I believe you¡¯re in my life for a reason. It¡¯s not every day two people just connect instantly. I think we have something special here. I¡¯ve felt love before but not this strongly. ¡± ¡°Oh well, I guess it¡¯s safe to say Sigmund Freud just rolled over in his grave after my psychoanalysis.¡± I said. ¡°I hope I didn¡¯t offend you with what I said.¡± ¡°Ha!¡± she laughed. ¡°Not at all. I appreciate your honesty. I¡¯m sorry if I come across as a spoiled girl, I¡¯m really not. I don¡¯t allow it. I love life, good people, and good fun!¡± ¡°I¡¯m sorry if I did. I didn¡¯t mean to.¡± ¡°You didn¡¯t babe. You know it¡¯s funny. I feel like I can talk to you about anything and you¡¯re in tune with me. We haven¡¯t even talked about what is going on in the world because we¡¯re so engulfed in ¡°our world¡±. ¡°I agree Sweetheart!¡± I exclaimed still embarrassed by my feelings about her dinner. ¡°Oh great.¡± ¡°What babe?¡± ¡°I just realized I left my laptop at home before I left the house this morning. That was brilliant.¡± ¡°You know brilliant people are known to be absent minded!¡± ¡°Well, that proves it. It¡¯s official.¡± ¡°What¡¯s official?¡± ¡°That you¡¯re crazy about me.¡± ¡°Yep!¡± she laughed. ¡°I hate to chat and run but I better get going Sweetheart.¡± I told her. ¡°I can¡¯t wait to see you again.¡± ¡°Can¡¯t wait to be in your arms again. Are you going out this weekend? Don¡¯t think I¡¯ll be able to break away, busy weekend, kids¡¯ stuff. My friend is coming over tonight to talk some more about her situation. I want to see you next week. When are you going to L.A?¡± ¡°I¡¯ll be in Burbank four days next week to help on an audit. I¡¯ll be back home late next Thursday evening.¡± ¡°Ok maybe Friday?¡± ¡°Friday works for me!¡± ¡°Sounds good baby! Glad we¡¯re ok! Enjoy this beautiful day! I miss your beautiful eyes and smile!¡± ¡°I miss everything about you Sweetheart. Enjoy your day too! Thanks for straightening me out. Love you!¡± ¡°Love you too!¡± A day I expected to be full of turmoil and sadness ended up just the opposite. I was truly relieved I was wrong; it would have been the end of me if I was right. I learned I needed to think more positively about our relationship. I learned I needed to trust in her love as much as she trusted in mine, as I vowed to trust in her love for me from this day on. Trust was not something I handed out, it really had to be earned because of my past, and all the times I thought positively about the feelings of women for me, how each and every time I completely misread their feelings. When she told me ¡°I would rather die than not have you in my life¡±, that was undoubtedly the most powerful statement she had ever made to me and proof I was doing the right thing by fighting for her and believing in our love. I had to fight any negativity I felt for her and for her alone. I simply had to ditch my past and look ahead because I knew a glorious future and the ultimate love awaited me if I did. I had found her; I found her a little too late, but I found her. Anya didn¡¯t run from my pain, but rather faced it head on, and it was the first time a woman had ever done that for me. There was no other explanation for it other than it being love in its purest form, and I loved her just as much as I too would rather die than never have her in my life. I didn¡¯t care what she did for her kids in her marriage, but there were times when things would become blurred because of the unknown variable when she was home. I struggled to solve for x and positive thoughts were hard to come by at times for me, but I just had to ask her if I had any doubts. I could be honest with her, but I couldn¡¯t give her any grief¡­especially not now; not after only a little over two and a half months, however it was harder to ask questions now because she had such a hold on my heart, and her words stung more now than they did a month ago. I already knew she was ambivalent towards her marriage but at the same time, I didn¡¯t want her to show it because it was too soon. I didn¡¯t mean to tell her I was hurt. I didn¡¯t want her to feel pressured or worried, but I had to understand what was going on. Also, in her own words, if we weren¡¯t honest with each other we didn¡¯t stand a chance, and I felt I had to be open about how I felt. Again, this wasn¡¯t about ¡°me¡±. This was about ¡°we¡±, but I recognized I had to be the noble one right now. I simply had to battle the pain that x brought with it. I loved Anya though so I had to put my hurt aside and keep it to myself. I trusted her love, more than ever after today, and I believed we now felt more secure with our feelings. We had our first test today and we came out okay, and it was something we could build on. Not every day in any relationship was going to be sunny, and nothing worth having in this life is easy. Our communication broke the clouds away and I really believed my greatest test was behind me. After my long but uneventful day at the office came to its merciful end, and with a back that now felt a little better, I went home to crash in my bed but just before I did, Anya text me. 8:01 p.m. ¡°I miss u. You scared me this morning! I¡¯m home alone just waiting for my girlfriend.¡± ¡°I almost went to bed just before you texted me. Glad I stayed awake! I¡¯m sorry again. Thanks for understanding. I miss u too.¡± I responded. 8:07 p.m. ¡°I¡¯m sure you¡¯re exhausted. Your bed is going to feel like heaven tonight. Sorry I caused you so much drama.¡± ¡°That¡¯s on me Sweetheart. Not your fault at all. I feel awful about putting you through that. I just misinterpreted everything. Just know I love you very much. That¡¯s where it was coming from.¡± I clarified. 8:13 p.m. ¡°Wish I could give you a big hug. I love you very much too. I better go, my girlfriend is here. Get lots of rest baby! You can sleep on my side for now!¡± This was by far the most memorable Valentine¡¯s Day of my life, but it was the day after Valentine¡¯s Day that brought me the most love and the most memories. I barely slept a wink the night before and the fatigue brought along an indescribable uneasiness within me I had never felt before, but by the time our morning exchange was over, I ran on pure adrenaline the rest of the day. Now I was on an adrenaline crash, but it was a good one. Peace and good dreams were upon me and I welcomed them with a closed consciousness. What a difference twenty four hours could make. The next few days Anya was involved with the marriage woes of her friend. I felt saddened for her friend, and even though I felt it was probably best for her to divorce her husband, I reserved judgment because I didn¡¯t know the specifics. As much as it wasn¡¯t my business, I feared it could affect Anya, so I was interested in what Flora would do as she was still undecided at this point. Anya brought me up to date on things the next morning. 9:07 a.m. ¡°It was really hard for me to see her like this. We sat in my kitchen and talked till midnight. It was hard to see how much she was hurting knowing that somebody will get hurt with me. I know my situation is different but hearts are involved here too. Heavy thoughts. I¡¯m so in love with you I fight every day.¡± I trusted Anya¡¯s love for me. I had to, but I¡¯d be lying if I said what she just text me didn¡¯t scare me. I wanted her to care about the hearts of her children though; that was important. I held onto her ¡°kids are resilient¡± statement as those words came from her and not from me as I trusted everything she had told me so far. I put my life, my entire heart and soul into her beautiful words, but what she really needed from me was to listen and to not add colorful commentary. The time for an opinion was not now. ¡°I know you struggle with breaking the hearts of your kids.¡± I texted. ¡°I just hope you know I¡¯d rather you hurt me than hurt your kids. I love you.¡± 10:37 a.m. ¡°Do you know how special you are? I¡¯m floored. I LOVE YOU!!!¡± I meant every word for these two innocent people I knew of but did not know. As bad as I wanted to meet them one day, their happiness was paramount to my own, and I would have rather suffered pain that led to my ashes than for them to suffer. Anya was allowed to worry for her kids and I understood how her fear existed, but I believed over time I would learn how it manifested and then I would be able to ease her fears but for now, I accepted them and truly understood as I held on to the belief that love eventually prevails. I hadn¡¯t travelled for work in a while but we were understaffed on an engagement in Burbank so I decided to help them on site for four days. Although I was a manager I didn¡¯t believe in just delegating and always working from the office. I preferred to be hands on and support my team as much as possible to ensure the job was done under budget and that we realized a profit on the engagement. I travelled extensively early on in my career. I had spent so much time in Utah for work I was nearly a resident of the state. Although we were in a serious business, I always tried to have fun on my jobs as to not make them so dreadful for my staff because with most audit clients, our relationship were mostly adversarial and stressful. One client, a vicious Controller who ran the financial operations of a reorganized technology company was feared by every auditor at my firm. Some auditors even requested to be taken off that particular engagement because of her nasty reputation. If you sent her an email requesting any items during the audit, you better be prepared to answer why and if you asked for something she had already given you, you better develop some thick skin real fast because you would surely meet an expletives laced wrath. Although everyone feared her, I took my working relationship with her as a challenge. I scrutinized what bothered her and how she liked to be addressed so I always asked her for audit items in the same brief terse manner she would address us with. One time I had to ask her twice for an item and she got a little frosty but I followed up my request up with the same demeanor, minus the choice curse words she usually used, to get what I needed from her. From that point on, we developed such a fruitful communication between us that I became the official requester of all items we needed from her, as ¡°she adores Landyn¡± became common terms to define my ability to work with her by others at my firm. I didn¡¯t mind because without people skills I wouldn¡¯t have stood a chance in this business. During this time Anya was focused on her friend, her kids, her work and somewhere in the mix, she fit me in. It was a lot to juggle, but of course, when you love someone, it¡¯s an easy integration. The truth was I wouldn¡¯t have loved Anya as much as I did if she put a man who she had only known a few months above her own children. Her kids were clearly number one in her life and that made our love feel right. If she had been the type of mother to dump them to the waste side, I truly would not have loved her because I would probably be dumped to the waste side one day as well. We started to communicate via phone calls more than before. She would even call me out of the blue now especially when she had dilemmas. ¡°Hi handsome! What are you up to?¡± she said as she called me one weekend morning. ¡°Are you sure you got the right number?¡± ¡°You know, you¡¯re just going to have to accept you¡¯re a handsome man my love.¡± ¡°If you say so.¡± I said. ¡°Nothing much today. What are you up to Beautiful?¡± ¡°I¡¯m okay. Going to see my parents with the kids later. I have a crisis though. My facialist used a different product on me and I broke out on my forehead. She¡¯s going to work on it.¡± ¡°Oh I¡¯m sorry to hear that babe. I know how much that bums you out.¡± ¡°I can¡¯t believe it! I never have issues with my skin. Getting old or something.¡± ¡°I didn¡¯t know your mom was a facialist. I hope she can help you feel better.¡± ¡°My mom? No, she¡¯s an engineer, almost retired. I¡¯m going to go see my facialist. I called her at home and now she is meeting me at her shop.¡± ¡°Oh! I see. I thought you were going to your mom¡¯s house for that because it¡¯s a Saturday so I thought the beauty shop was closed.¡± I said embarrassed. ¡°Oh sweetheart, you¡¯re beautiful anyway so that shouldn¡¯t make any difference.¡± ¡°You always find a way to make me feel better. I love that about you.¡± Less than a half hour later she called me back. ¡°Oh my God! She zapped the shit out of it! My mom is sooo going to give me a hard time when she sees me later. She worries a lot. ¡± The more Anya told me about her mom, the more I fell in love with the woman as she sounded a lot like my own mother in so many ways; another thing we had in common with each other. I didn¡¯t talk about my mother with Anya much at this point. I feared I might come off as a momma¡¯s boy because I really wasn¡¯t, I brought my mom more heartache than submissiveness in my life, but without my mother¡¯s love, forgiveness and understanding I would have tapped out of this life a long time ago. ¡°Do you feel better now after the laser attack?¡± I asked. ¡°I do. I think I¡¯m on the road to recovery now.¡± ¡°I¡¯m happy to hear that. I love you. I can¡¯t wait to see you again.¡± ¡°I love you sweetie! I can¡¯t wait to see you again too! Next time I see you I¡¯m going to kiss you until you get sick of it!¡± ¡°Promise?¡± I teased. ¡°Be prepared Babe!¡± During my entire week in Burbank, Anya contacted me more than ever as I attributed it to the Valentine¡¯s Day misunderstanding. In an effort for her to trust in my love and for her to feel safe, she was the one who did those very things for me. She considered herself the lucky one, but this was a reason why I felt I was the one who lucked out to be the recipient of Anya¡¯s innate ability to love someone. To feel the same way about someone who loved me so much was truly a blessing, as I loved her with every ounce of my heart. She was simply the best thing in my life, and she gave me romantic thoughts of one day whisking her away to Paris so I could propose to her under the Eiffel Tower daily. The crazy thing about her love was that she was not free to love me yet she showed me more love than any woman in my life before who had been free to do so. My first night in Burbank, she proved my point when she text me after I had just returned to my hotel room after dinner. Unauthorized content usage: if you discover this narrative on Amazon, report the violation. 6:46 p.m. ¡°Hi babe! Have a great stay in Burbank. I can¡¯t even begin to tell you how much I miss you. Love you dearly!¡± The beautiful thing about Anya, and another reason why I loved her so much was that even after all the hurt and sorrow she felt from being cheated on, her pride never stopped her from making herself vulnerable by telling me how much she loved and cared about me. As much as I loved her, even I was afraid to initiate a text to claim as much yet she always put her fear aside and I admired that about her. Her love inspired openness from me, and that was my biggest barrier as we both connected off our heartbreaks and found solace through each other. She even made me feel comfortable enough to share my times of self-doubt and shortcomings, something I never dared to reveal to a love interest in fear of losing her. 9:32 a.m. ¡°I think we are all critical of ourselves. We all question our purpose and capabilities in life, it¡¯s normal. Accept your weaknesses and embrace your strengths! You have so much going for you (health, smarts, bright career, good looks, good personality, loving heart)! Xo¡± Anya definitely saw things I didn¡¯t see in myself, and her kind words made it easier to trust her and to stay positive about our relationship. As we became closer by the day, Anya shared with me more details of her friend¡¯s dilemma. 3:20 p.m. ¡°Hi there! Hope you¡¯re having a good day and hope your stay was comfy. My friend is pulling the trigger. They are serving him in 3 hours. Nervous as heck! Can¡¯t stand it!¡± ¡°Oh wow. She¡¯s really going to do it.¡± I replied. ¡°I think this is the best decision she could make though. Does her husband know?¡± 3:41 p.m. ¡°No. He has no idea.¡± ¡°Oh well. I guess he¡¯ll find out soon enough. He really has no one else to blame but himself though. I¡¯m really sorry to hear that¡¯s it come down to this for your friend but I think she¡¯ll be happier.¡± 4:04 p.m. ¡°Thanks, I¡¯m very nervous for her. Very close to home.¡± Her ¡°very close to home¡± observation scared me a bit because I didn¡¯t know how this affected her at all. The last thing I wanted her to think was that this was comparable to us. We were in love. This wasn¡¯t a fling, and the way it sounded, it seemed Flora¡¯s husband just wanted something on the side, but how did that make it any better? Flora would never know the truth about what he shared with that other woman, only what he was willing to tell her. Even though divorce was a hard decision that affected many, I felt Flora was doing the right thing. It just seemed like a no brainer, but then again I¡¯m sure there were things I didn¡¯t know, and it was truly none of my business. I was just worried how it affected Anya and what implications could arise from this ordeal so I texted her. ME: ¡°How¡¯s your day going? How¡¯s your skin issue? I miss you.¡± ANYA: ¡°Day is going ok considering¡­my friend isn¡¯t doing so well. Thanks, my forehead is looking much better! I Miss you too! Counting down days till Fri!¡± ME: ¡°I brought the CD¡¯s you burned for me on my trip. I was listening to the song ¡°You and I¡± by Michael Buble in particular. That song totally reminds me of us.¡± ANYA: ¡°Does Buble make you sad? Do you think song writers actually experienced the pain and joys of love?¡± ME: ¡°How could they not to write something so poignant? You can feel the passion in them. I would even go as far to say that it sounds like they have dated a married person! It makes me wonder...¡± ANYA: ¡°Ha! It sure seems that way doesn¡¯t it? I agree. You can feel the pain and passion behind those words. I love music.¡± ME: ¡°You¡¯ve gotten me back into music. I strayed away from it for years but now I listen to more songs because you¡¯ve really opened up my musical horizons. I love it too.¡± ANYA: ¡°Remember when I said I didn¡¯t understand love songs until now? I recently heard an old song by Bryan Adams (I do it for you) and it made sense. Check it out.¡± ME: ¡°It¡¯s not going to make me cry is it?¡± ANYA: ¡°It might!¡± At times, when Anya was away I would now feel an uneasiness that was only remedied by falling asleep so that I may see her in my dreams. To know her love and to come home to a quiet lonely apartment began to be a tough task. I never felt lonely before I met her, but now it was familiar as my apartment felt vacant without her presence at night. To alleviate the missing I¡¯d journal, I¡¯d go to the gym, I¡¯d play guitar, but when it got unbearable I retreated to the stars outside. I would look up at the sky, see all the light years between them and realize Anya was a lot closer, and it made me not feel so alone. I found it proper that it was through the natural world where I sought solace from the hardships of my unearthly love. 8:24 p.m. ¡°OMG! He was served two hours ago!!! All the girls got together tonight. I just left them. Not good. I wish I could talk to you. Are you out to dinner? Please call me.¡± I called her but she was only able to talk on the phone for about five minutes. She called to tell me she felt like a hypocrite because of her friend¡¯s situation. It was what I feared she felt, but I let her know that the situations were entirely different, and that she was far from. 9:15 p.m. ¡°Thanks for calling me. I feel better now. My friend¡¯s problems do not affect how I feel about us. I hope that you really, truly believe that I am in love with you. You are my true love, I really believe that. I want to be with you. I love you with all my heart!¡± Once again, an interstellar connection enabled only by the constellations helped ease my fears I hid from her and even myself as these were the very words that I needed to hear from her. On February twentieth, two thousand and eight, I read there was going to be a lunar eclipse, a celestial event I never mentioned to Anya. She had not the slightest clue whenever I missed her dearly I would sit outside alone under the stars and gaze into the sky to feel close to her. Although I was in Burbank and with a small group of people, I decided not to go to dinner with the group so I could catch the eclipse to think of her. At the very moment the earth casted its shadow upon its lone natural satellite, my phone began to vibrate. 7:23 p.m. ¡°Eclipse.¡± My interstellar connection, my universe born love. It was at this moment I no longer believed but knew Anya was not only the love of my life, but also my soulmate, and all it took was one word ¡°eclipse¡± that carried the same weight as 3 of them, ¡°I love you.¡± I had an extremely busy morning following the evening of the lunar eclipse and I believe she also did, so I texted her in the afternoon to see how she was doing with a day left to go on my business trip in Burbank. 1:30 p.m. ¡°I was just thinking about you and had the phone in my hand when it vibrated as if you were answering me. Great day, and you?¡± ME: ¡°Busy morning for me but a great day as well. How¡¯s Flora? Eclipse.¡± ANYA: ¡°She¡¯s doing better thanks! The eclipse was romantic which made me think of you!¡± ME: ¡°I¡¯ve been relying on nature¡¯s beauty when I miss you. Your text meant a lot to me.¡± ANYA: ¡°When I have moments with nature¡¯s beauty I think of you. I think about how nice it would be to experience moments with you.¡± ME: ¡°Just know you¡¯re with me every time. You¡¯re in my arms and you don¡¯t even know it. By the way I listened to the Bryan Adam¡¯s song you told me to check out. Guess what? I didn¡¯t cry! Barely though. One really wouldn¡¯t know how beautiful that song is unless they¡¯re in love.¡± ANYA: ¡°I must have heard that song a hundred times years ago but never meant anything till now.¡± Even though I had been away in Burbank for almost a week, Anya and I became closer with each passing day, either through music, through nature, or through each other. I thought her appreciation for the song was a powerful statement considering it came out about the time when she must have felt the most love for her husband, before his gross disrespect of their marriage, and even as much as I loved all I felt, how much her words meant to me, I felt sad for her that the song meant more now than it did back then. In what was probably my most anxious return home from a business trip, when I got home I tidied up my place that Thursday night after I unpacked even though I was completely exhausted. When the Friday sun rose to meet the morning, Anya was just as thrilled as I was. 6:45 a.m. ¡°Good morning! See you at 1 p.m! Excited!¡± But that text was a distant second to my excitement after I received my personal favorite. 12:59 p.m. ¡°I¡¯m here.¡± I remembered how painfully arduous the last trek I made to the gate to meet her was, a walk I always loved to make, but this time I literally ran to meet her because it could mean an extra few minutes together if I did. I knew being in love could change my dreary outlook on life, but I never thought it would allow me to appreciate minutes in a day, even get me to run in order to make the most of them. As usual, when I saw her the dormant butterflies scurried inside me, especially when she came gently into my arms once she reached inside the gate. I held her for a few seconds not wanting to let go, but pulled away to look into her eyes, and to take in her beauty before I kissed her. She wore a pair of tight dark blue jeans with a ruffled white top that hung onto her bare shoulders. As she grabbed my hand and we walked back to my apartment, I could tell this visit had a feel all its own, and felt much different than her prior ones as the awkwardness and my back issues were now behind us, and we had become closer over the last week. When we got inside and after she laid her purse on my kitchen countertop, she came into my arms, and we held each other for at least five whole minutes as I truly experienced ¡°I miss you¡± without having to say a word. When I was four years old I had my right hand¡¯s index fingertip severed off when a metal folding chair closed on it. My mother told me years later that when it happened I never cried during the ordeal even when they gave me a shot directly into my missing fingertip before they reattached it. I rarely cried especially in front of anyone, but for some reason, as I held Anya in my arms, I suddenly became overwhelmed by the moment, and something inside took over; something completely out of my control. It wasn¡¯t just the pain of Valentine¡¯s Day evening, the eclipse, and all the love I felt in my heart, but rather the sum of all those emotions that consumed then relentlessly overtook me, but I found myself suddenly tearing up and there was no stopping it. When Anya noticed she pulled away slowly to find out what was wrong. ¡°I¡¯m sorry.¡± I said. ¡°Why are you crying babe?¡± she asked. ¡°I just¡­I¡¯m just really happy to see you.¡± I said. ¡°It means a lot to me to have you here. I love you very much.¡± ¡°I love you very much too.¡± she said with a look of concern. ¡°I¡¯m sorry. I don¡¯t cry. I can¡¯t remember the last time. I¡¯m okay.¡± ¡°I know how hard it is on my end.¡± she said. ¡°I can¡¯t imagine how hard it is for you.¡± ¡°I¡¯m fine. These are just tears of joy Sweetheart. Tears of joy.¡± I said as I composed myself; the last thing I wanted her to do was worry about me feeling sad or missing her horribly when I was unable to see her. ¡°I don¡¯t want to hurt you.¡± ¡°I know.¡± I said. ¡°I¡¯m okay.¡± ¡°I don¡¯t know babe.¡± she said. ¡°I don¡¯t know if I could leave at this point.¡± ¡°I wouldn¡¯t want you to.¡± I stated. ¡°Now¡¯s not the time.¡± ¡°No babe.¡± she said. ¡°I meant I don¡¯t know if I could ever leave at this point.¡± Her words no doubt stung as they caught me off guard, but again I waged a war on negativity inside my head, and I¡¯ve been dead wrong about everything I believed could be true. Valentine¡¯s wasn¡¯t a romantic dinner with her husband; it was as unromantic as they came with a group of ten people. More than anything I wanted her to have romantic Valentine¡¯s Day dinners again. I wanted her to feel absolutely loved and feel safe and secure in her feelings. I didn¡¯t want her to live like a roommate with her significant other. I wanted her to sleep in the same bed and to fall asleep in my arms every night. There was a lot at stake for her; a lot at stake for both of us, but mostly for her. I worried about her unhappiness and the stress it caused her. I worried about her well-being for the rest of her life. Most importantly, I wanted her to be truly happy so it could be reflected on her children so they would never think mom was unloving. There was a lot I wanted for her, but I had to fight myself within myself. I had to fight the ¡°stinkin¡¯ thinkin¡¯¡± as my grandmother use to say. My mindset needed to be positive and here was my golden opportunity. All I needed to know was what she was truly thinking and again, another chance to get closer to her would arise. ¡°Why do you think that Sweetheart?¡± I asked. ¡°Katie and Andrew would have to leave their friends and I¡¯m afraid they would hate me. I would lose seventy-five percent of my friends.¡± she said. ¡°but at the same time I can¡¯t handle you being out of my life.¡± ¡°Would you slow down Beautiful?¡± I smiled. ¡°Let¡¯s take this a day at a time and see where it leads, ok? Time is on our side.¡± ¡°I don¡¯t know babe.¡± ¡°Listen, it¡¯s too soon for this kind of conversation.¡± I told her. ¡°I want you to really get to know me so when you do leave you know you¡¯re making the best decision. The truth is you couldn¡¯t leave for me, you would have to leave for yourself, but you will need me to know you¡¯re going to be alright and you would never be alone. There¡¯s a lot you don¡¯t know about the prospects of my future. Prospects I¡¯ve been hesitant to share.¡± ¡°What do you mean?¡± she asked. ¡°I have some good things going for me. Really good things but....¡± I said. ¡°I wanted you to love me for me before I told you about them.¡± ¡°I do though.¡± ¡°I know you do.¡± I said. ¡°I¡¯m really close to making partner at my firm. I¡¯m actually pretty good at what I do. I think with me you¡¯d be in a great position. Partners make a million dollars a year there, and all they pretty much do all day is play golf with potential clients. I¡¯m just telling you this not to brag about myself in anyway, I only mentioned it because I¡¯m sure I¡¯d be able to afford a home in your area so that Katie and Andrew wouldn¡¯t have to leave their friends. I believe things could work out better than you think.¡± ¡°You would really buy a house in my area?¡± ¡°If it meant Katie and Andrew wouldn¡¯t have to leave their friends, of course I would.¡± I said. ¡°I wouldn¡¯t want your kids to hate you.¡± ¡°You melt me babe.¡± ¡°I don¡¯t want to lose you to unfounded fears.¡± ¡°I don¡¯t want to lose you either.¡± she said. ¡°I¡¯m angry at my husband. My kids can see I¡¯m unloving. That makes me more upset than anything.¡± ¡°You have every right to be angry about that.¡± I said. ¡°You shouldn¡¯t feel guilty.¡± ¡°My kids already see me as this unloving person that I¡¯m afraid they¡¯ll blame me if I leave.¡± she said. ¡°Then they will hate you too.¡± ¡°Sweetheart, if you were to leave right now, they would have a hard time understanding that and rightfully so, we¡¯re just not there yet babe. I know the missing is hard on both of us. You saw it today, but I want you to come into the best possible situation and I believe right now isn¡¯t the time. Just know I¡¯m working hard every day to try to get you to be comfortable choosing happiness over being non-genuine.¡± ¡°I love you.¡± ¡°I love you too.¡± I said as she came into my arms again. There was a strength I felt in having her with me; a strength in us. She wasn¡¯t going to lose me to her fears. My only fear at this point was losing her, but I felt I had the inside track, her love. If she truly loved me, and I believed she did, I would certainly suffer, undoubtedly feel sorrow, surely feel pain, and know true sacrifice, but in the end I would hold her in my arms forever. All that belonged to her husband, all he took for granted, all he never appreciated, would be mine because she would know I was the right man to obtain all the love she could give, and it would never go unappreciated for one second of a day, and I would be eternally grateful. I softly grabbed her hand and she smiled at me when she realized the meaning of my unspoken gesture. When she came inside my room, the blinds were already drawn as two candles slowly burned. She then removed her top and jeans which left her only in her underwear and I did the same as she climbed onto my bed and into my awaiting arms. I felt her cool smooth skin as she meshed her body into mine and began to massage my arms. ¡°I love your arms.¡± ¡°They love you too.¡± She smiled then put her bare breasts against my chest, and with her now warm smooth skin against mine she began to move them back and forth upon me. We began to kiss as the earthly measure of time was lost, her body now a part of mine. Forty minutes moved like five before we paused from absorbing each other¡¯s breaths. ¡°My second favorite color is black now.¡± she blurted. ¡°Really? Black? Why is that?¡± ¡°You were wearing a black shirt when I first met you.¡± she said. ¡°You look really handsome in black.¡± I didn¡¯t know what to say as again her way of loving me had caught me off guard. ¡°Coming from you that means a lot Sweetheart.¡± I said. ¡°What¡¯s your favorite color babe?¡± ¡°I¡¯d have to go with blue.¡± I said. ¡°Yep¡­it¡¯s blue.¡± ¡°Blue is one of my faves too.¡± ¡°Do you have any passions in life?¡± I asked. ¡°Other than you I love the rain, the beach, dessert, books and music. I do dabble a little in politics, business, baseball and hockey.¡± she continued. ¡°I drink a double espresso every morning.¡± ¡°Is that all?¡± I asked. ¡°No.¡± she said as gazed at me with her beautiful dark hair now sprawled against my pillow as her white teeth glistened at me while I hovered above her. ¡°I love children, animals, friends and family. My truest passion though, and I would be fooling myself if I didn¡¯t say so, is fashion and shopping!¡± ¡°Well, Ms. America. I must say you¡¯re really good at your truest passion because I love your sense of fashion. It¡¯s very chic¡­very Audrey Hepburn.¡± ¡°Oh my God. I love her!¡± ¡°She¡¯s a classic beauty, but you¡¯re also part Raquel Welch too. She¡¯s my favorite of all-time.¡± ¡°Ha! Sooo¡­I¡¯m a little bit of Audrey and Raquel in your eyes?¡± ¡°You¡¯re cute. You''re Sexy. You''re Beautiful. All three in one, that¡¯s hard to pull off.¡± ¡°Now you¡¯re making me blush.¡± she said. ¡°I¡¯m just a simple girl really. A simple girl in a complicated situation.¡± ¡°Well, I guess that makes me just a simple man in a simple situation.¡± ¡°Ha!¡± she laughed as she lifted her head up to kiss me. ¡°What are your passions babe?¡± ¡°Besides you¡­I don¡¯t even know.¡± I revealed. ¡°I do drink black coffee every morning.¡± ¡°Ah¡­simple but classic.¡± ¡°Indeedy.¡± I replied. ¡°and I love everything else you said you loved with the exception of politics. I guess it''s just something I don''t have any desire to dabble in.¡± ¡°Really? How come? Don¡¯t you think it¡¯s important to know who is making all the decisions that affect us? ¡°Oh I do. I¡¯m not saying I¡¯m ignorant to them. I just don¡¯t care much for them.¡± I clarified. ¡°I think it¡¯s just a bunch of power hungry men and women who are more concerned about their own self-interests than anyone else¡¯s. That¡¯s just how I feel about them though.¡± ¡°Would you say you¡¯re a republican or a democrat?¡± ¡°I would say because of my current income status, I¡¯m more of a conservative, or republican, but in actuality I¡¯m about the best person for the job.¡± ¡°I see.¡± My dislike for politics started way back when I dated Sara, when I found out just after we started seeing each other she had a ¡°crush¡± on a guy who was president of the student council at our junior college. She told me her teacher, who looked like Jeff Spicoli from ¡°Fast Times at Ridgemont High¡± thought he had a good chance at being the president of the United States one day. As I was walking to class one afternoon, I saw her sitting next to this future head of state, nearly on his lap, on a bench outside her class and my heart sank into my stomach as I marched into my classroom. That day after school I asked Sara about him. ¡°Sara. I need you to be honest with me about something.¡± ¡°Okay.¡± ¡°Do you have a crush on Paul Sudinsky?¡± ¡°I do have a crush on him.¡± she admitted. ¡°What? You like him?¡± I said. ¡°You¡¯re my girlfriend Sara!¡± ¡°I don¡¯t like him.¡± she told me. ¡°I only have a crush on him.¡± ¡°Wait a minute.¡± ¡°What?¡± ¡°There¡¯s a difference?¡± ¡°Of course there is.¡± she stated. ¡°I only have a crush on him.¡± ¡°Let me get this straight. So if you have a crush on him¡­it means you don¡¯t like him?¡± ¡°Landyn. Stop it. I only have a crush on him. It doesn¡¯t mean I like him.¡± she said. ¡°Please stop being ridiculous.¡± I knew Sara liked men in politics and was drawn to men in power, but I was too young to understand the improbable chances of a junior college student council president making the leap to the presidency of the United States. The problem was I really cared for Sara back then and I feared I would lose her to him so everything was falsely magnified. In the end Sudinsky ended up joining the armed forces and I ended up disliking politics. The more the earth traveled around the sun, the more I learned how politics worked, the more I disliked them. I¡¯m sure though, if anyone could get me to appreciate and to take a genuine interest in them, Anya could. ¡°Carolyn and Debbie think I¡¯m heading for a divorce.¡± Anya said suddenly. ¡°Is it because of Flora¡¯s situation?¡± ¡°No. They both know how I feel about you. They know I¡¯m in love with you.¡± she said. ¡°Sometimes I wish you were psycho.¡± ¡°Psycho?¡± I laughed. ¡°Well, I am crazy about you.¡± ¡°I know.¡± she said. ¡°But you¡¯re rational about it.¡± ¡°The best I can be.¡± I said. ¡°I¡¯ll admit my thoughts aren¡¯t rational sometimes, but my actions have to be.¡± I wondered what spurred that wish and what it meant. Did she want me to show up at her home and stand outside like Roy Dobler with my boom box blasting ¡°Everything I do (I Do It For You)¡±? I really didn¡¯t understand why she would say such a thing, so I just left it alone for the moment. We then started to kiss again and things started to heat up. I had held women in my arms before but this had a different feel; like she was a part of me, like an appendage. It was at this point that I undoubtedly knew this was a once in a lifetime love, one I would fight within reason to keep. I say within reason only because my concern for her kids was one reason I would consider to walk away if I had to, but if it was a bridge I needed to cross, I would if I ever got there, but then again I had plenty of reasons to fight for her because I knew more than anyone else did. After she told me it was time for her to go, I told her ¡°okay¡± then nearly let her roll completely off my arm before I brought her back to kiss her once more as I loved to hear her laugh every time I did. Once my arm was content with letting her go, we rose from our peace to put on our clothes, the most solemn of all exercises. We then embraced for another minute before we left for our bittersweet walk to the gate. After she departed, I stayed at the gate to keep her in my sight as long as I possibly could, and she blew me a kiss as she drove by on her way out of the parking lot. On my way back to my quiet apartment I thought about her ¡°I wish you were psycho¡± statement and criticized myself for possibly falling short in her eyes and for being rational in my actions so far. I further questioned why I had been so understanding, but then realized it was because I loved her. An hour later I text her to see if she made it home okay. 3:46 p.m. ¡°I love today.¡± It was hard to believe just an hour before this text she was in my arms, and the minute she left was the very minute I missed her. I loved ¡°today¡± just as much and she was the only reason why. 8:21 p.m. ¡°Don¡¯t text me back. I haven¡¯t stopped thinking about today, touch of your skin.¡± To receive a text from her after eight p.m. was extremely rare and to me was a breakthrough. It was also nice to know my skin felt as good to her as her skin did to me. We held each other and kissed for forty minutes without pause and it was hard not to miss that because the crazy thing about it was I could¡¯ve gone much longer. I rarely heard ¡°I miss you¡± from Anya anymore because her texts usually told me she did without having to say it. 9:33 a.m. ¡°Couldn¡¯t sleep last night. Yesterday was amazing. I¡¯m so in love. I miss you like crazy! I was afraid this was going to happen. Wish I was in bed in your arms.¡± ME: ¡°I miss having you in them. Yesterday was beautiful.¡± ANYA: ¡°So surreal. What are you doing today? I¡¯m just going to daydream about you all day.¡± ME: ¡°It¡¯s raining outside so I guess I¡¯ll just stay home and daydream about you too.¡± Later that Saturday afternoon, she text me again. 2:32 p.m. ¡°Yesterday I kissed you goodbye about this time. Haven¡¯t stopped thinking of your body against mine.¡± ME: ¡°I haven¡¯t stopped thinking about it too. It felt as if your body melted into mine, as if we were one person.¡± ANYA: ¡°I think we think alike and love alike.¡± ME: ¡°I think we both recognize what we have is a very rare thing, and yesterday was as special as days come in this life.¡± ANYA: ¡°I agree. What we experienced yesterday was very special. We didn¡¯t have to say anything to understand. It was beautiful in every way. I loved every single moment. I can still feel your kiss. We kissed a lot! You are sooo yummy to kiss!¡± There were times when I thought maybe I was doing a bad thing; at least in consideration of her kids, and I felt maybe I should let her go. I didn¡¯t want them to hate her, but at the same time I believed someone else would come along because of the romantic singer who she saw briefly before me. It was clear to me there was collateral damage in the home long before I arrived. If her kids could sense she¡¯s not in love with their father, then why stay? Wouldn¡¯t they blame her either way? The truth was it sounded like they were blaming her already by believing she was unloving. More than ever, I wished her husband would just sit down with her and ask her if she wanted a separation, an amicable one. I know it¡¯s easier said than done, but I felt it was the right thing to do at this point. The bottom line was he was the source of her anger and he knew it so why did he keep playing dollhouse? After yesterday, as if I needed any more evidence, I believed we were made to be together. If not, then why did we run into each other twice? Why did her friend¡¯s husband suddenly cheat on her again which led her to divorce him after twenty-seven vested years together which was greater than the eighteen years Anya and her husband had been together? The timing of that alone showed Anya how important self-respect was. We hadn¡¯t been together three months yet I just knew she was the one I wanted to spend every day on this earth with and beyond. I knew I wanted to see her when I came home from work. I knew I wanted to experience life with her. I knew I wanted to grow old with her. I knew she was the only one for me. She would only provide more evidence of her love for me throughout that upcoming week, more than ever. Monday, February 25, 2008 9:01 a.m. ¡°Good morning Baby! You know I¡¯m still thinking about our amazing day!¡± 9:27 a.m. ¡°Thank you! Enjoy this day. I have a crazy week! I love you and miss you!¡± Tuesday, February 26, 2008 8:09 a.m. ¡°Good morning my love! How was your night? I kept waking up at night with lustful thoughts about us. Work is crazy. Three months of strategic planning gone sideways!¡± 12:12 p.m. ¡°Beautiful day¡­miss u.¡± Wednesday, February 27, 2008 6:55 p.m. ¡°Don¡¯t know when I can see you again. Dance comp all weekend as well as opening day and games.¡± 7:03 p.m. ¡°Yesterday was a pretty day but I think today was even prettier because I¡¯m more in love with you today.¡± Thursday, February 28, 2008 5:26 p.m. ¡°Wish we could watch the sun go down together. Xo¡± For the first time, I truly felt Anya¡¯s struggle; the fight with herself within herself as I began to see how the daily stress in her life consumed her and I found it remarkable how she had handled it for so long with all the pain she felt in her heart. I remember after long stressful lonely days in my life after I had visited my parents, some nights I would drive along the cliffs of Palos Verdes to watch the sunset go down over the vast Pacific Ocean with a vacant black leather passenger seat as my only company. One thing I had always wanted in life was to fill the empty passenger seat on that drive, but I had given up on that dream years ago until now. ME: ¡°If you ever want to see something beautiful, the sunsets off the coast of Palos Verdes are spectacular. I would love to see one with you there.¡± ANYA: ¡°So romantic. It would be my dream to watch the sunset off the cliffs of PV with you. Do you think we can make that happen someday?¡± ME: ¡°Without a doubt.¡± ANYA: ¡°I hope so. I would love it. Sometimes I have these random thoughts of just leaving home. I just miss you so much.¡± As much as I knew she loved me, I never believed she held these kinds of thoughts. She seemed so vested at home I had no idea her love was this serious. Sure, she told me how much she loved me but this showed me how much she did. After I received this text, I began to regret telling how well I was doing in my career. I really had no idea when I would become partner at my firm as the timetable was unclear. The partnership position opened up at the end of this year but it could easily be another two or three years from now. Kevin Kash was also my good friend who had taught me all I knew about the profession, and it only seemed fair and reasonable for me to believe he would make partner before I did, even though it was clear Clyde was seriously considering me. If Anya were to act out on her random thoughts, not only would I find it to be the wrong thing to do, but it would put me in a position to need to make partner at the end of the year. Knowing how much Kevin¡¯s marriage and family rode on his promotion, I would be in a bad spot. Anya needed to know there was no rush, I was going to remain faithful to her (which was easy to do), and I wanted her to come into the best situation possible for her and her kids. The truth was it was much easier being loyal to Anya than it was to get her to believe that I was loyal because of her husband¡¯s past infidelities. As much as her text warmed my heart and as badly as I wanted her to be with me today so I would not have to endure another lonely night without her, it would be absolutely selfish of me to take advantage of her vulnerability and to have her come into a less than ideal situation for both her and her kids. I had to work hard so when the day came, her kids would understand her decision and not hate her for it, and everything our love stood for would do that for her even though I badly wanted her in my arms forever now. ME: ¡°I dream about you leaving to be with me every day¡­¡± ANYA: ¡°I need to see you. I can¡¯t take the missing. Can I see you tomorrow afternoon babe?¡± ME: ¡°Of course.¡± ANYA: ¡°There¡¯s a coffee shop on Springdale. Just off of Warner.¡± ME: ¡°The Good Morning Cafe.¡± ANYA: ¡°Yes. Would you be okay meeting me there at noon?¡± ME: ¡°I will see you there at noon tomorrow.¡± ANYA: ¡°I love you.¡± ME: ¡°I love you too.¡± After our textversation, it seemed the future was wide open just like the heavens above for both our lives as we both walked along a road rarely if ever travelled, hand in hand towards the next uncertain event in our lives. CHAPTER 12 ~ WHEN WORLDS COLLIDE ¡°Living in a world without you. Is living in the world at all?¡± ~ ¡°The Ministry of Lost Souls¡± Dream Theater I found myself at The Good Morning Caf¨¦ once again, but I stayed in my car with the hope Anya would not want to go inside. I didn¡¯t want her to think I hung out with Crazy Dave who always frequented the place, and I certainly didn¡¯t need him checking her out from behind a newspaper. It would be the third girl he had seen me with and even though the previous two were one and done dates, history had shown he had no problem announcing them regardless which might cause Anya to worry for no reason. When she arrived though, as my luck would have it, she exited her car clad in a bright pink sweat suit and walked directly into the Caf¨¦. I then took a deep breath and prepared myself for the worst as I followed her lead a few seconds later. When we saw each other she waved at me with subdued excitement and smiled as I noticed she even made ¡°mommy¡± wear look remarkable. We still couldn¡¯t hug or hold hands in public as we were too close to home for her and I completely understood regardless of how badly I wanted to hold her and kiss her at that very moment. Fortunately for me there was no sign of Crazy Dave which felt like the first breath after nearly drowning as I now didn¡¯t have to deal with an impromptu story about the killer whale that was his ex-wife. When we got in line Anya ordered an unsweetened Passion Fruit iced tea while I ordered a hot green tea without considering the eighty degree heat outside. After I told her to please put her money away and paid for our drinks, she thanked me and we departed from the greater public eye to head outside. After we both whispered ¡°I love you¡± in unison to each other, we walked down the sidewalk another twenty feet until we reached the back of the parking center where we found ourselves as our only company. Although I didn¡¯t have many to draw comparisons from, this relationship was entirely different for me. We couldn¡¯t talk in public at a coffee shop. We couldn¡¯t even have lunch or dinner together. Everything was clandestine; even more so since her husband become suspicious a month prior, and even though it seemed that suspicion had come to pass, it deeply bothered me dishonesty had to exist even temporarily, but she had to play it safe, and I understood why. As we walked further we stumbled upon a lone wooden bench, completely obscured from public view behind a large beige stucco wall, another example how with Anya, things somehow always found a way to work out. ¡°Thanks for meeting me here. I miss you so much.¡± she said to me as we sat down. ¡°more than you know.¡± ¡°Of course Sweetheart. I miss you just as much if not more.¡± I said. ¡°I don¡¯t want you to think my friend¡¯s tough times affect the way I feel about you. I wanted to tell you that in person.¡± ¡°Thank you. I believe that.¡± ¡°I¡¯m thankful for your love. You love me with even all my baggage. Don¡¯t get it sometimes.¡± she revealed. ¡°I wonder¡­why me?¡± ¡°Why you? Why not you?¡± I said. ¡°Love, I¡¯ve been to the circus. I¡¯ve seen the elephants. The dancing bears. The clowns. Even the bearded lady. It just doesn¡¯t get better than you even with what you consider to be baggage. I¡¯ll carry it all for you because it¡¯s nothing to me.¡± ¡°I love you babe.¡± ¡°I love you too.¡± ¡°Sorry for the attire, but we had opening day games for Andrew. I hope you¡¯re not horrified.¡± ¡°Horrified? If you think you look horrific then you should try scaring me more often!¡± I said as I rubbed her hand as it laid on her knee. ¡°I learned something new about you today in your attire.¡± ¡°Something new about me? Just by my dreadful casual look?¡± ¡°I sure did. I learned you look beautiful in anything!¡± ¡°Ha! You¡¯re too much!¡± ¡°Just stating the obvious Sweetheart.¡± ¡°Have you traveled much babe?¡± she asked me as the sunlight danced within her fragile brown eyes. ¡°I wish I could say I¡¯m a seasoned world traveler but unfortunately I¡¯ve only been to Canada and Mexico. I was in New York back in eighty-nine.¡± I stated to seem somewhat worldly. ¡°Other than for work, that¡¯s been the extent of my travels. How about yourself?¡± ¡°Oh. I¡¯ve been all over. I went to Rome last year.¡± ¡°Italy. Nice.¡± I said a little sad knowing she did not likely go alone. ¡°I¡¯m sure it was beautiful there.¡± ¡°It was.¡± she said. ¡°I go to Hawaii, mostly Maui, and the Bahamas every year. I¡¯ve been to Cabo many times. Is there a place you would like to visit?¡± ¡°You know I¡¯ve always wanted to go to Tahiti.¡± I said. ¡°It¡¯s phenomenally beautiful there I¡¯ve heard.¡± ¡°Oh my god! I would love to go to Tahiti! I¡¯ve always wanted to.¡± she said. ¡°Would you ever want to go to France?¡± ¡°To France?¡± I said as I was shocked by her acknowledgment of a place that carried my dream with it. ¡°I would love to see the Eiffel Tower. You¡¯ve never been to France?¡± ¡°Never but always wanted to go.¡± she said. ¡°It would be my dream to go to Tahiti and France with you one day.¡± I had to say it made me feel better to know France wasn¡¯t a place she had visited with her husband, but to be hurt by places she had been with him would be ridiculous, yet I found it hard not to be, and even though I never knew her back then, and she did not know me, I wanted a place to go with her that could be ours alone. At least I had France on him, a place I believed to be the most romantic of all places. ¡°I went to a neighbor¡¯s birthday party last night. I got really drunk.¡± she said as she abruptly shifted the topic. ¡°Are you hungover?¡± I asked. ¡°A little.¡± she said. ¡°My head hurts.¡± ¡°I¡¯m sorry.¡± I said as I turned her face gently to mine so I could massage her forehead with my thumbs. ¡°Was there a reason why you drank so much Sweetheart?¡± ¡°I had a talk with my kids about Flora¡¯s divorce.¡± she revealed. ¡°They asked me about it because they¡¯re friends with her kids. It shook me up all day yesterday.¡± ¡°What did they say?¡± I asked as I began to gently rub her back. ¡°Well, it was really their first exposure to something like that so I explained to them that people divorce sometimes.¡± she said. ¡°They told me they understood people have to divorce sometimes.¡± ¡°They said that? That¡¯s very insightful for their age.¡± I said. ¡°But they also told me they would hate me and my husband if we ever divorced.¡± she said sadly. ¡°That¡¯s what shook me up.¡± ¡°I can imagine. That¡¯s hard for a parent to hear.¡± I said. ¡°Yep.¡± ¡°On the other hand Sweetheart. I think ten kids out of ten would have said the same thing.¡± I said. ¡°Who would want to see their parents get a divorce? They aren¡¯t going to give you their blessing if that¡¯s what you were counting on. I don¡¯t believe any child would.¡± ¡°It still was very hard to hear because they used the word ¡°hate¡±.¡± she said. It was a harsh word to use, hate. No parent would want their kids to hate them as I was sure of that from my younger years. I really did understand how it made her feel. How it could devastate her, and it was not my job to give her my opinion or grief but to stay positive. The way I looked at it was this. No kid in their right mind who was not being physically abused was going to give their parent¡¯s permission to get a divorce. That just wasn¡¯t going to happen even in an alternate universe. Second of all, I felt the decision to divorce was an adult one, and not one to be put in the hands of a child. I felt Anya getting a divorce was not only the right thing to do but even more so, a great opportunity to teach her children a wonderful lesson in life. That self-respect and honoring oneself was important, and also if someone makes a bad decision in life, you¡¯re not stuck, and there is a positive way out of it. The problem with Anya, and I could tell, is that she felt stuck. She felt a great obligation, and I felt whatever it was that caused her this distress, it created a dense fog that blinded her to the positives of a divorce. I believed an obligation from her should exist if there was no infidelity on the part of her husband. ¡°For better or for worse¡± meant that, and even if she still loved him, then the obligation had reasoning as well, but his infidelity led her to me, another man. That was the truth no one knew, and that was when I felt this was no longer an obligation for her to fulfill but rather a burden for her to end. I also knew I had one thing in my corner that no one else in her entourage had, and that was I knew the truth about her unhappiness therefore I felt like I was truly the only one who could give her the proper perspective, and yes I loved her and with that came a little bias, however I also loved her deeply enough to let her go if I felt staying would be a mistake on her part or wrong. In fact, I would have never chosen to be in her life if I felt that way, but I was certain if she stayed in her lifeless marriage it would be the greatest of all tragedies. She asked me to fight for her for a reason, and this was it. I had to give it everything I had because it would take every thought, every ideology, every belief I ever had, and all I ever believed in to lift this fog away. ¡°Well, I guess if we look on the bright side it¡¯s good to know they would hate him too¡­and hey, kids say the darndest things anyway. ¡± I said as I nudged her in an effort to further lighten the mood, but there was this sadness in her face today I had never seen, more than a hangover would give, and then she said something I never thought I would ever hear let alone be prepared to hear from her which tested my resolve and challenged my positivity. ¡°Secretly I wish you would let me go.¡± she whispered. I didn¡¯t know what to say. I just knew not what to say; anything that could be perceived as negative. No doubt her words stung, but I had to be strong as I remembered her words as ¡°Kids are resilient. Nothing is impossible. I hurt every day because I miss you so much. I would rather die than never have you in my life.¡± went through my head. We needed my positivity to survive as I wasn¡¯t so willing to give up on us anymore because I needed her as much as she needed me. ¡°Sweetheart.¡± I said as I grabbed her hand and held it in mine as I gently brought her chin up to look in my eyes. ¡°Yes, this is hard to hear but they are not going to give you their permission, but no kid would, and if you think about it, these are questions I bet you already knew the answer to. They¡¯re kids, and as bright as yours are, they have no idea at their age how this world works. They use words at their extremes, like the word ¡°hate¡± because they simply don¡¯t have any other less harsh words in their vocabulary yet. I know it¡¯s easier said than done, but you just can¡¯t take that to heart because you know, as an adult, they are too young to understand.¡± ¡°I think you need to regroup.¡± she said to me. ¡°Regroup?¡± I laughed. ¡°Yes babe.¡± she said. ¡°maybe I could leave in two years and they would understand.¡± ¡°Sweetheart. Is that what you really think I should do? Is that what you really want?¡± ¡°I think Katie will be old enough to understand by then but probably not Andrew.¡± she said as she seemed to converse with herself. ¡°He wouldn¡¯t leave home until six years from now.¡± I¡¯ve been here before with her when her husband was suspicious because she was being elusive. We¡¯ve put that fire out and it never stopped her from seeing me. Her words ¡°I would rather die than never have you in my life.¡± played in my head like an anthem. I know what she truly wanted. What she truly needed. This was a test; to see if I would get scared and bail just like the romantic singer before me. Again, she had never had a man be loyal to her let alone one who would have to be for six years. I had the power to break her heart but she also had the power to break mine. ¡°Hey.¡± I said. ¡°You¡¯re not getting rid of me that easily.¡± ¡°But babe¡­I don¡¯t know.¡± ¡°You don¡¯t know. But I do.¡± I said. ¡°I love you. I¡¯m in this for the long haul. I¡¯ll be a big boy about this no matter what happens. This is not on you. This is on me. Okay?¡± ¡°I don¡¯t think I could be so understanding if you were living with a female.¡± ¡°You don¡¯t have to worry about that though because I¡¯m not nor will I.¡± ¡°I have such a busy week with work. I don¡¯t know when I can see you again.¡± ¡°You¡¯ll see me again when you have time. I¡¯m busy too.¡± I said and smiled. ¡°One thing I know about love is that it will find the time for us.¡± ¡°Okay.¡± she said. ¡°I hope I didn¡¯t hurt you with what I said.¡± ¡°Not at all. I understand where you¡¯re coming from.¡± I said. ¡°I love you very much.¡± ¡°I love you very much too.¡± she said. ¡°You have the prettiest eyes. I could look into them all day long.¡± ¡°Ha!¡± I laughed as I looked away self-consciously as I was still not used to such compliments. ¡°I really hope I didn¡¯t hurt you with what I said.¡± ¡°I understand Sweetheart.¡± I said. ¡°I think you would know if you did!¡± ¡°Ha! I¡¯m sure I would.¡± ¡°It was a nice try but you¡¯re not getting out of our drive along the Palos Verdes cliffs.¡± I said. ¡°You¡¯re stuck.¡± ¡°It¡¯s my dream. I promise to be more positive.¡± she perked. ¡°Can I see you this week? Too difficult?¡± ¡°You can see me anytime you want.¡± ¡°When baby?¡± ¡°Any day that works best for you. Just let me know and I¡¯ll break away.¡± ¡°Ok! Let me check and I¡¯ll get back to you. Going to be a tough week, but I¡¯ll do my best to make it happen.¡± ¡°Sounds great.¡± ¡°Tuesday or Wednesday? Were you thinking lunch time?¡± she asked. ¡°I¡¯ll drive to you.¡± ¡°Hey! I thought you had to check your schedule?¡± ¡°I just checked it in my head.¡± she laughed. ¡°Okay how about Tuesday? Since it¡¯s closer than Wednesday.¡± ¡°Yes! What time? Where?¡± ¡°Noon? My place?¡± I said. ¡°Do you mind?¡± ¡°Sure! Of course I don¡¯t mind!¡± she said excitedly. ¡°Can we pinky swear not to think negative this time?¡± I extended my pinky out to meet hers. ¡°I love you.¡± I said as her pinky met mine. ¡°I love you too.¡± she said as she moved in to kiss me. After we kissed we both began to gaze into each other¡¯s eyes for a silent thirty seconds before she broke as I touched the side of her face with my free hand. ¡°I used to fall in love with movie stars all the time. I fell in love with my husband when I was nineteen¡± she stated. ¡°I was too young to know what love was. I would even go as far to say I got married out of convenience. I didn¡¯t know what love was until I met you. You¡¯re an amazing guy.¡± Another powerful statement from the one who made my heart erratic yet steady. Kids are dramatic. I knew our love was not about breaking up a family, and hurting children. Our love was about empowering and liberating them. The sanctity of her marriage had been destroyed by her husband¡¯s infidelities; a marriage now bound only by signatures and a tax status as I believed a marriage should only be bound by love. To know that it was I, not her husband, not the father of her children, who was the true love of her life, was a significant revelation with great magnitude. She was not only my one and only, but also my once in a lifetime. ¡°You can see it. You can read about it, and you can even hear about it, but no one truly knows love until they are touched by it.¡± I said. ¡°My lips miss your taste. My eyes miss your face. My ears miss your whispers. My body misses your touch. I miss you in every way imaginable so that¡¯s how I know I never knew what love was until I met you too.¡± ¡°Oh my God. Can you be any more romantic? I can¡¯t breathe!¡± ¡°Do you know what the date is today?¡± ¡°March second?¡± ¡°That¡¯s right. It¡¯s also the ninth month anniversary of the night we first met.¡± ¡°What? You mean to tell me you¡¯ve been in my head for nine months now?¡± ¡°In so many words.¡± I said as I smiled then kissed her on her forehead. ¡°Thank you baby. You spoil me with your beautiful thoughts and words. The more I fall the more I hurt because I want to see you all the time. I¡¯ve never missed anyone this much.¡± ¡°I know the feeling.¡± I said as I brought her into my arms. ¡°I can¡¯t stomach the thought of never hearing from you again.¡± she whispered. ¡°I can¡¯t quit you.¡± ¡°Hey.¡± I said softly as I lifted her chin with the outside portion of my index finger. ¡°You won¡¯t ever have to. I love you.¡± And with that we kissed and then said our goodbyes until Tuesday afternoon. I tried to put myself in Anya¡¯s shoes. How would I feel if my kids had told me they would hate me and my wife if we divorced? First I would have to recognize they were kids; candy bars made them happy and simply having to come inside when it got dark was the end of the world for them. I¡¯m sure I threw the word hate around freely and indiscriminately at my mom at times, but I never meant it. It was just the only word I knew that could get me what I wanted. I thought a lot about Katie. How by playing dollhouse, Anya may have been unconsciously setting her up for the same things in her marriage. I believed Anya was a wonderful mother and it was easy to see her kids meant the world to her, but I did wonder what she was teaching them by giving them a false sense of security in her marriage especially if they sensed anything was out of place. The truth was this; I couldn¡¯t bring this up to Anya. It was too soon for me to share these kinds of opinions, and I needed time to mold them so they were said out of love, and not misinterpreted. It was a serious topic, one I wasn¡¯t all too aware of coming in to our relationship and needed to further research, and from what I¡¯ve heard so far, I had to develop a strong argument because as a mother, she was only going to consider the things that could go wrong, and not the things that could go right. Unauthorized duplication: this tale has been taken without consent. Report sightings. I had to be honest with myself as well. Now, I was afraid to live life without her as much as it scared her to live it without me. It had only been three months, but that¡¯s what made it even harder because I couldn¡¯t cling onto something I disliked about her. It took me thirty seven years to find this and it turned out to be greater than I even dreamed it could be so how could I possibly return to a life without her? How could I just throw this connection away? How could I just ignore and let my soulmate go? How could I just let all these beautiful feelings she gives me mean absolutely nothing? I¡¯ve been waiting my entire life for this, it¡¯s finally here and now I¡¯m supposed to just let it all go? A month ago, I could have done it, even on my birthday, now I had to honestly recognize that not only would it be difficult, but I was in the fight of my life, for my life. Tuesday, March 4th, 2008 7:52 a.m. ¡°Good morning! 5 hour meeting last night, brutal. Blew off workout this morning, tired. Big democratic runoff today, we¡¯ll see what happens. Beautiful morn babe. How r u?¡± ME: ¡°Great! I get to see you today!¡± I text back. ¡°Sorry to hear you had a long night. Going to be interesting to see what happens today. What took you so late into the evening? How are you is the more important question.¡± ANYA: ¡°I¡¯m doing well considering. It was a strategic meeting w/board members and others at the round table. There were 12 of us burning oil coming up with plan B. Can¡¯t wait to see you today. Thanks for making time for us.¡± ME: ¡°I¡¯m sorry babe you had to work so late. I hope you were able to come up with a solid plan B. Thank you for making time to visit! I know how busy and tired you are. Hey guess what?¡± ANYA: ¡°What?¡± ME: ¡°I found a strand of your beautiful hair on my pillow last night! So even though the last time you visited me felt like a dream, it was indeed real.¡± ANYA: ¡°Are you serious? I told you I leave traces! Saturday was definitely real! Can¡¯t erase the touch, the smell, the taste¡­¡± ME: ¡°I¡¯m afraid to admit this but sometimes I look for traces of you because I miss you so much. This is the first time I¡¯ve found one. You felt beautifully, you smelled beautifully, you tasted beautifully. Face it, you¡¯re beautiful! I¡¯m honored to have a strand of your hair with me.¡± ANYA: ¡°You¡¯re really making me blush over here. You are the sweetest! I have bad hair days, bad skin days, bad make-up days, and so on. You never have bad days! You always look cute! Xoxo!¡± ME: ¡°Is that what you really think? Ha! My hair is horrible! I always worry about how my hair looks whenever I see you.¡± ANYA: ¡°Your hair is always perfect, your eyes always sparkle, your smile always shines! You¡¯re cute! I love you babe!¡± ME: ¡°Ha! I just kissed my phone! You¡¯re too kind! I¡¯ll still probably worry about my hair though! It grows up instead of down! I have to get haircuts often otherwise I might look like Kid from the group Kid n¡¯ Play! I wouldn¡¯t want you to stop coming here because of my hair! I love you too!¡± ANYA: ¡°Haha! I just kissed my phone too! Don¡¯t worry about your hair! You¡¯re perfect! Going to see you is like going on vacation. No stress just happiness. See u at 12!¡± The plan was to go into work in the morning then to take a two hour lunch and work later to make up for the lost time. Even though it was still busy season, and I would stay late anyway, this job was integral to our future. Without it, I would lose her so I had to make sure I worked hard so I could play hard¡­or something like that. The anticipation of her visit was heightened this day by her ¡°random thoughts¡±. We both felt more secure in our love as we started to become more courageous in our show of emotions and feelings. I also knew how hard the missing was when she left and I didn¡¯t want to make it worse than it already was, as it was almost like a drug addiction, but there was an air of uncertainty as I didn¡¯t know if I could hold myself back from loving her. My feelings were much stronger than the last time she visited and the more experiences we shared, the harder it was when she left me, but I had to be cognizant how she felt when she went home because she faced three people there and I only faced one. 12:00 p.m. ¡°Here.¡± Arguably the simplest word in the English language held the most meaning. I longed to see it every day, and loved to see it every time I did. I truly was a simple man when I realized how this single artless word gave me so many reasons to live. This visit, like all the ones which preceded it, carried an excitement all its own. All the barriers seemed to be past us as we agreed this visit would be a positive one, not one of pessimism we weren¡¯t ready to face because it was simply too soon to. It was now a habit of mine to be at the gate when she arrived because time was always of the essence as even seconds were precious when she visited me. As I opened the gate for her, I took in all her splendor, a floral patterned dress that hung loosely but perfectly to her tan body. When she saw me, her white smile came alive and her eyes beamed like supernovas, as she extended her pinky to me. I then smiled comfortably as I met hers with mine to signify we were on the same page. The day was one of pronounced magnificence. The sun shone bright and warm on this cozy cloudless March afternoon as Anya snatched my hand in hers as she usually did and then gazed affectionately into my eyes as we walked side by side. I gave them her full attention confidently as I loved to gaze into hers just as much, and we didn¡¯t need to say a word to each other as we both knew what we were thinking and wanted to say. A security I had never felt with another human being; the safest of all moments I had ever experienced. When we got inside my apartment, we didn¡¯t say a word to each other as our eyes created a loudness all its own. I took her purse and laid it on the kitchen countertop and then gently reached for her hand to lead her into my candle lit room. As we displayed all we felt inside, we then began to assist each other in the removal of our clothing. As we stood only in attire that separated our private areas, I took her into my arms and brought her body into mine, flesh on flesh as she moaned when I laid her down lightly onto my bed. As I kissed her deeply, she ran her beautifully manicured nails through my scalp and wrapped her legs tightly along my back. I hovered over her, never wanting another human being so badly as I searched for the safety of her soft brown eyes. When they met mine with an excitement I had never seen in them before, I glanced downward to the place I wanted to go, a place I wanted to badly feel, and when I looked back into them, she moaned deeper unable to meet my gaze. I then positioned myself lower so I could kiss her flat supple stomach and massage her inner thighs thoroughly as she reached for and felt all that made me a man. As I brought my hands dominantly along her body and across her breasts, I could feel her warmth as her body sweetly perspired. ¡°I love you.¡± she breathed. ¡°I love you.¡± I whispered as I moved forward to feed her lips. I knew it was okay to make love to her. I could tell she wanted me to, but again I succumbed to the longing, the missing, as it was still too great to bear even as bad as I wanted to go there and I really wanted to go there. I loved this woman so much, so deeply, but too much to tear her up when she had to face the folks at home. As bad as I wanted to be one with her. I just couldn¡¯t do it, and guilt had nothing to do with it; it was all love¡¯s doing. I then laid down next to her and as I brought her into my arms I could feel her heartbeat race against my chest. I hated to do it to her. I hated to do it to myself. I wanted to be one, but I felt I had my reasons and I felt she understood them. After we cooled down and kissed each other for another ten minutes as she rubbed her foot across my leg, I spoke. ¡°I hope you¡¯re not mad at me.¡± I said. ¡°Not at all babe.¡± she said. ¡°I wanted you really bad Sweetheart.¡± ¡°You don¡¯t even know how bad I wanted you. It felt like you were waiting for me to say yes. If I did say yes¡­would that make me bad? Would that be the ultimate sin?¡± ¡°I¡¯ve never really read the Bible but I don¡¯t think so Sweetheart.¡± I said. ¡°I would think God is an advocate for people who are in love¡­especially when love was stricken from your heart the way it has. If you still loved your husband and or he truly loved you, then I would think it would be the ultimate sin, but I know that¡¯s not the case. I love you more than life itself, and I would never disrespect your heart.¡± ¡°I know deep down in my heart you would never cheat on me. You¡¯re one special guy.¡± ¡°I don¡¯t think being loyal makes me special. I should be if I love you.¡± I said. ¡°I wish we lived together. That¡¯s not easy for me to say because I enjoy my privacy, but missing you after you leave makes it hard for me not to wish that.¡± ¡°Living with someone is not easy. There¡¯s a lot to it.¡± she said. ¡°I know that I could definitely live with you though. I wish too.¡± ¡°I could without the slightest of doubts live with you. Even with all your traces! Anya laughed heartily before asking. ¡°Babe, how old were you when you first had sex?¡± This question threw me off, and I had no idea what to tell her. Sadly, I was thirty years old when I first had sex, and that was with Denise who tore me apart. It had been seven years since the last time and I was afraid to let Anya know this. I felt like I could be judged for it because of her ¡°40 year old virgin¡± comment, so I told her an age that was somewhat embarrassing, but not as embarrassing as thirty. ¡°I was twenty-four.¡± I white lied. ¡°Kind of late¡­I know. Please keep it between us.¡± ¡°Twenty-four¡­our secret.¡± she said. ¡°You¡¯re a special person. Never met a guy like you.¡± ¡°You give me too much credit Sweetheart. It¡¯s just who I am.¡± ¡°You¡¯re so humble.¡± I didn¡¯t think I was special as I was certain all the other men Anya had known probably had a lot more going for them. The romantic singer certainly had several more opportunities to attract women than I did, and certainly her husband had more success in that area than I did as well. To be honest, if I did have the same opportunities the other men in her life had, I would have turned out the same way, so maybe I was a little special because I carried some humility to keep me grounded, and that¡¯s what she meant, however I never viewed myself as someone who was better than anyone else. I was more focused on being the best person I could be to those around me, and if I was better than anyone, I certainly wouldn¡¯t have known it. ¡°So when are we reading our first book together?¡± I asked her to change the subject. Upon this question, a huge smile broke on her face as she lunged into kiss me, a display of happiness which surprised me due to the simplicity of my query. I had always dreamt of meeting someone who enjoyed reading as much as I did, who appreciated books that made you think, made you question life and how you viewed it. Anya was successful in getting me interested in a genre of music I never dreamed I would appreciate so I was just as excited as she was about simply reading a book together. ¡°I can¡¯t wait to read my first book with you! I will let you know what we¡¯re reading next in Book Club and we can read that one together.¡± ¡°Sounds good to me.¡± I said with a broad smile on my face. ¡°I dream about being a couple and exploring life with you.¡± she announced. ¡°It¡¯s my dream too.¡± I said as I pulled her close to kiss her. ¡°To have a love story we both deserve.¡± She knew what to say. She always knew what to say and knew what I was thinking, and it made me feel so at ease when I had her in my arms. The things she would text me and told me over the phone also did as well, but having in her in my arms as she looked into my eyes held a weight all its own, and when she kissed me and smiled, I knew she meant every word, and it was a safety I realized I needed as well even though I preferred to give over its receipt. Anya then began to run her hands through my hair, something no other girl had done before and it made me deeply comfortable as the candles burned in my darkened room. I then started to kiss her neck and moved my hands along her breasts as we both got turned on again, but again after another thirty minutes passed without its realization, we had to slow down. The craziest thing about my love for her was she gave me so many romantic thoughts it almost felt making love wouldn¡¯t do us justice. This woman just did it for me, it just happened each and every time without even thinking, just feeling, and it got even more difficult when I began to realize to not be one with her would not be natural. We were inevitably made to love each other, one day, someday, and as I held her in my arms I dreaded the words that would soon come from her lips that would bring the end of the time of my life. ¡°It gets harder and harder to say goodbye.¡± she said. ¡°I don¡¯t want to ever go.¡± ¡°We¡¯re a lot closer now than we were even a week ago.¡± I said. ¡°I cherish every second I get to spend with you. They come and go so fast whenever we¡¯re together.¡± ¡°Time flies by so fast it¡¯s unfair.¡± she said. ¡°Is your arm going to be okay?¡± ¡°I don¡¯t know. I¡¯m afraid to ask him.¡± I said as I pulled her closer to me. ¡°You know how he is though.¡± ¡°Okay.¡± she giggled. ¡°I¡¯m so sorry I have to go babe.¡± ¡°I understand Sweetheart.¡± ¡°I love you.¡± she said as she started to roll off my left arm. ¡°I love you too¡± I said as I then pulled her back to me as she was just about to roll free. ¡°but I miss you already.¡± ¡°I miss you already too.¡± she laughed as she kissed me. As we both painstakingly rose to get dressed, we smiled at each other as we knew today was our best day together because it was entirely free of any negativity as we kept to our pinky swear. It was undoubtedly a significant day in our relationship, another one that brought us closer to the part of heaven we chose to go to. After we were dressed we embraced, kissed each other, and then left my apartment, hand in hand, closer to each other than we were an hour before. Usually when kids leave home, their parents are said to experience an empty nest syndrome. When Anya left, I believe I experienced the same thing. When she did depart however, I got into my car and drove back to work with my head in the clouds, as if in a narcotic induced daze. There was now a face to the woman in my dreams and she was even better than I could have imagined. Anya gave me more hope than anything could ever give me, and I desperately needed that as my personal life was now on par with my professional life. The only question left was how great could it go from here? When I arrived at work, I said hello to almost everyone who was at the office, something I rarely did as I usually just tried to walk by unnoticed. When I got to my office I turned my chair around to take a view of the city below me. I focused on all the cars that drove along the freeway and the roads below, and I wondered what their own stories were and if they could say they were content with their lives as much as I was. I couldn¡¯t turn away from the view of all the glass office buildings, the snow-capped mountains, and the bluest sky in front of me as I reveled in the belief I was on the cusp of something great, something much greater than me. It took thirty-seven years, but I could honestly say I was madly in love with the world around me, a world I finally felt a part of. A little later that afternoon, Anya text me. 4:18 p.m. ¡°OMG! I miss you sooo much!¡± ¡°I¡¯ve been on cloud nine since you left.¡± I responded. ANYA: ¡°I loved every minute we had together. I guess I¡¯m afraid if I go there, once I go there, it would really tear me up. I¡¯m afraid of my own emotions. Does that make sense?¡± ME: ¡°It totally makes sense. It would tear me up as well. I know you have to face the folks and I don¡¯t face anyone but my own reflection here Sweetheart. I worry about that because I know how much it affects me.¡± ANYA: ¡°I¡¯m sorry. I should let you get back to work. I just miss you so much. I love you.¡± ME: ¡°Nothing to apologize for Sweetheart. I love you too.¡± It was hard to concentrate after such a great day together so upon this realization I decided to pack up for the day and take my work home with me. When I got home though, I only found out it even more impossible to do my work there as well. My only option at that point was to go into my room and close my eyes to embrace the dream from earlier and to escape the reality of the moment now as I put my phone on my chest, close to my heart, in case she felt the same thing, and when I felt its vibration I was assured she did. 9:28 p.m. ¡°Goodnight. R u at the gym?¡± ¡°Not tonight Sweetheart. I¡¯m home.¡± I responded. ANYA: ¡°U ok?¡± ME: ¡°I¡¯m fine. Are you ok?¡± ANYA: ¡°Yes, just re-playing today over in my head.¡± ME: ¡°I was thinking about today. Having a moment.¡± ANYA: ¡°Me too baby. What kind of moment?¡± ME: ¡°The moment when I looked at you, and how turned on I was then.¡± ANYA: ¡°Really? Do you regret not going for it?¡± ME: ¡°It¡¯s just hard not to think about it. How badly I wanted to. I guess I do regret it a little bit.¡± ANYA: ¡°I did too. It¡¯s hot to think about it! You make me crazy. We have good energy and chemistry. Thank u for your patience.¡± ME: ¡°I love you so it¡¯s easy to be patient. Thank you for your patience too.¡± ANYA: ¡°I love you too. I better go now. Goodnight, sweet dreams.¡± ME: ¡°Ok Sweetheart. Goodnight. Sweet dreams.¡± ANYA: ¡°We need more time, like all day!¡± ME: ¡°Haha! It would be the best day of my life!¡± ANYA: ¡°One day¡­¡± One day. Something to believe in. Something to live for. It was a forever embedded beautiful day, one I had never truly experienced before, and one I never took for granted as if I would ever experience it again. As badly as I wanted to go there with her, I knew how much it affected me if I had. This day felt as right as it was beautiful however I knew it would now be tougher not to be one with each other. I began to feel this was now out of our control, as the magnetism of being one grew greater than our reluctance. Anya text me early the next morning as later ¡°goodnight¡± texts and earlier ¡°Good morning¡± texts became the norm. ¡°Good morning! Sleep well?¡± she texted to me. ME: ¡°I slept fairly well considering I woke up at 4. Did you sleep well?¡± ANYA: ¡°I got some sleep, woke up at 2:30 thinking about when you began to massage my thighs. Was totally turned on but forced myself to fall back asleep at 4:30. Do you go back to sleep until you have to get up?¡± ME: ¡°I was thinking about when you wrapped your legs tightly on my back. Totally turned me on! I try to but by the time I usually do fall back to sleep my alarm goes off and I have to get up! Yesterday felt like it was too good to have happened.¡± ANYA: ¡°It really did feel amazing, like a dream. I just hope I can focus today because I was in a daze all day yesterday. I love you baby.¡± ME: ¡°I was in a bliss fog yesterday as well. I love you too.¡± She communicated with me more via text throughout the next few days, more than even when I was in Burbank. March 6, 2008 5:17 p.m. ¡°Missing u.¡± ¡°Missing u too. Can¡¯t get yesterday off my mind.¡± I texted back. ANYA: ¡°Same here. Crazy huh? You don¡¯t know this but I¡¯ve always listened to Latin love music. I¡¯ll burn you a CD. I don¡¯t know why but I always think of you when I listen.¡± ME: ¡°Really? You don¡¯t know this but I speak Latin fluently!¡± ANYA: ¡°OMG! You do?¡± ME: ¡°Of course I don¡¯t, but I wish I did now!¡± ANYA: ¡°Ha! Not funny babe!¡± ME: ¡°Sorry Sweetheart¡­couldn¡¯t resist. Maybe it¡¯s time to learn. Why do you think of me when you listen? I don¡¯t know Latin music. I wish I did.¡± ANYA: ¡°I think it¡¯s because I think of getting lost with you in a beautiful foreign place. Maybe that¡¯s why I think of you. The music is foreign but I get lost when I listen.¡± ME: ¡°That¡¯s a beautiful thought. I¡¯m deeply flattered.¡± ANYA: ¡°It all started with Julio Iglesias. Do you know who that is? Well I¡¯ve moved on since but that¡¯s how long I¡¯ve listened to Latin music.¡± ME: ¡°That¡¯s actually the only Latin love singer I¡¯ve heard of. I can appreciate Latin love music especially if you enjoy it, I¡¯m sure I will. You have great musical taste.¡± ANYA: ¡°Good, I¡¯m glad! I¡¯ll burn you a CD tonight. I don¡¯t have much experience with dating but are these crazy feelings normal? I wonder how many times one can fall ¡°in love in a lifetime.¡± ME: ¡°I¡¯ve cared before, and even believed it to be love, but I have never cared for someone this deeply before, but I think this is how love should feel. It should make you feel vulnerable. It should leave you breathless. It should leave you aching to see the one you love again. Anything less to me would be unsettling. I think a person can fall in love many times in a lifetime but I think this feeling is a once in a lifetime.¡± ANYA: ¡°Thank you baby. I feel the same way about you. We have the same heart from the same mold. Miss you.¡± ME: ¡°Miss you too.¡± When I didn¡¯t hear from her the next morning, I initiated a ¡°good morning¡± text to ask how she was doing. March 7, 2008 8:44 p.m. ¡°Good morning. I¡¯m okay. Just getting ready for the day. I miss you.¡± I had known Anya for nine months now, and I knew she was never just okay. Something was on her mind, a burden I sensed. I didn¡¯t know if it was a good or bad thing so I decided to only think positively about it instead of unduly analyzing it, but it was one of the first times she said she was just ¡°ok¡± and not ¡°great¡± or even ¡°good¡±. When she text me later that afternoon it stabilized me within. 1:23 p.m. ¡°It was only two days ago around this time babe! Can you believe it? I have a CD for you . Can you text me your mailing address? I¡¯ll drop it in the mail today.¡± After I breathed a little easier, I thanked her for the CD and gave her my address. ANYA: ¡°You¡¯re welcome sweets! It feels like forever and it was only 2 days ago! Always daydreaming about you!¡± ME: ¡°It¡¯s hard not to daydream when I had such a beautiful woman in my arms! I love you!¡± ANYA: ¡°Ha! I blush every time you call me beautiful. I love you too.¡± Her late texts now even flirted with midnight. 11:47 p.m. ¡°Think of me tonight, I¡¯ll definitely think of you! Totally turned on! Sweet dreams!¡± Then came the most significant late night texts on a Saturday night from her as I decided to stay home instead of visiting my parents. March 8, 2008 11:09 p.m.

¡°I miss you.¡±

¡°I miss you too¡­been thinking about you all day.¡± I responded.

ANYA: ¡°U don¡¯t even know. I¡¯m going to be alone tonight and it¡¯s not going to be easy. I thought of you all day too.¡±

ME: ¡°You¡¯re home alone? Where are the kids?¡± ANYA: ¡°They¡¯re asleep now. I¡¯m not good with silence sometimes. Times like this I just want to run. It¡¯s not because of the kids at all. I¡¯m dealing with ¡°other¡± issues. Mostly my empty feelings at home.¡± I didn¡¯t know what to text back to her as her random thoughts clashed with the reality of her situation, a collision that threatened to spawn her destiny. Before I could text her my response, she text me the most significant revelation of her feelings. ANYA: ¡°My mind is racing. I miss you deeply. Wondering why can¡¯t I be with the one I love?¡± The more I thought about a nearer than ever final ¡°here¡± text from her, I couldn¡¯t deny I was as anxious to start forever on this night as she was as our destiny fell upon us. CHAPTER 13 ~ EVERYTHING ¡°Loneliness is the ultimate poverty.¡± ~ Abigail Van Buren As forever weighed in the balance on this warm Saturday evening, I stood right smack in the middle of the storm caught in a typhoon of thoughts. She wanted to come to me tonight. To be with me from this day forward and to begin our life together, but even with the prospect of the last of lonely nights upon me, my heart ached to know it would have only been right for two people. My mind then began to reel in the big one, her children, two innocent human beings who would not understand why she left them and who would reserve the right to hate her. As much as I wanted forever to begin and my suffering to end, nothing could have ever been more wrong in a relationship that felt so right. Anya was completely vulnerable tonight as I knew my next words held her future. My life, her life, the rest of forever was right before me, but unfortunately my bliss would affect the lives of others and make our love look awful in every sense of the word. Although I believed our love for each other was justified; the way in which it would reveal our relationship would ultimately doom us. As much as it pained me to do, I had to talk sense into her. Since I knew she was alone, I called her, and when she picked up on the first ring, I knew I made the right move. ¡°Hi baby.¡± she said sweetly. ¡°Hi Sweetheart.¡± I said as I gathered my thoughts. ¡°You need to know this.¡± ¡°Okay.¡± ¡°Every day and every night before I fall asleep I fantasize of being woken up by the sound of my vibrating cell phone. To see the word ¡°here¡± on my screen from you.¡± I said. ¡°As much as it would make my life and mean everything to see that, if you were to run to me this way, no one would ever understand no matter how much we love each other. Sweetheart, nothing could be more wrong if you were to run. Your kids would never forgive you, and if I were to let you it would not be an act of love for you because of that alone. If you were to leave to be with me, you would have to do it the right way¡­or not at all.¡± ¡°I know babe.¡± she said as she started to whimper. ¡°I just miss you so much.¡± ¡°Sweetheart, you don¡¯t need to run though. I¡¯m not going anywhere. Okay? I love you. So please relax. If things are meant to be we will be, but we have to do this the right way. If we¡¯re courageous enough to have a relationship in this situation, then we should be courageous enough to face the people it would affect when the time is right. We owe them that. We owe our love that.¡± ¡°It¡¯s just so hard sometimes¡­¡± ¡°Hey, we both know how hard it is on us. I know how you feel, but I have to push my pain aside if I care about your happiness because I want you to come into the best situation possible. You have two kids, and I have to make sure they¡¯re going to be okay. If you do leave we¡¯re going to be under a tremendous microscope and I need to be able to show them you¡¯re going to be more than fine and so will your children. The only way I can do that is with patience, love and all the understanding in the world. The only reason I¡¯m even doing it this way is because you told me you would not leave unless someone was there for you, and my biggest heartbreak would be to see you living life unhappily.¡± ¡°Thank you¡­but there¡¯s been something on my mind. I don¡¯t know how to tell you.¡± Suddenly my stomach began to turn and I my hand started to shake as I held my phone to my ear. I felt like a patient who was about to get his cancer results back from the lab so I held my breath for a few seconds before I was courageous enough to ask. ¡°What is it?¡± ¡°I¡¯ve been searching for a way to tell you this but I¡¯m leaving for Spain in two weeks for ten days.¡± ¡°You¡¯re going to Spain for ten days?¡± I laughed as I breathed a sigh of relief. ¡°The hell you say! Why was that so hard for you to tell me?¡± ¡°Because I won¡¯t be able to talk to you for ten days¡­and well, I didn¡¯t know how that would make you feel.¡± ¡°What part of Spain? May I ask if it¡¯s a family trip?¡± I asked bummed out about that part of her news. ¡°Barcelona. The kids are on Spring Break that week but they are staying home.¡± She said. ¡°It¡¯s a business trip with my husband.¡± ¡°Oh. I see. Okay.¡± I said. ¡°You¡¯re not mad at me are you babe? It¡¯s just something I have to do for business.¡± ¡°Of course not Sweetheart. It¡¯s a business trip. I¡¯m just bummed I won¡¯t be able to talk to you for ten days. I haven¡¯t gone a day without hearing from you for over three months. I love being in contact with you. You¡¯re my peace and happiness. Hearing from you makes my day.¡± ¡°Hearing from you makes my day too.¡± ¡°So this is why you want to run. I¡¯m sorry, I had no idea.¡± ¡°Yes, this¡­and other issues.¡± ¡°Sweetheart, please don¡¯t ever be hesitant to tell me anything. I don¡¯t want you to stress out over nothing. Remember if we aren¡¯t honest with each other we don¡¯t stand a chance even if it¡¯s brutal honesty, I need to know whether it hurts me or not. This is just a business trip and I know you love me so please don¡¯t think I¡¯d be mad at you for something that puts food in the mouths of your children. I understand Beautiful. Is there anything else that¡¯s troubling you?¡± ¡°No babe. That was it.¡± ¡°Don¡¯t you feel better now?¡± I laughed. ¡°Yes, I do. I love you.¡± ¡°I love you too. Please get some rest Sweetheart.¡± ¡°Okay babe. Thank you. Goodnight.¡± ¡°Goodnight Beautiful.¡± About two minutes after I hung up the phone, I received the following text. 11:19 p.m. ¡°I love you dearly. You are my soulmate.¡± ¡°My soulmate, I love you dearly too.¡± I responded with a huge smile on my face. As I jettisoned back down to earth after I had gotten off the phone with her I felt a solemn sorrow when I realized ten Anyaless days would be murder on my heart. She¡¯s been a staple in my everyday life and gave me something to look forward to; the one thing in this world that made it so livable for me. I lived without her for nearly thirty-seven years but I knew these ten days would feel at least that long. The following Sunday afternoon, with the weight of Anya¡¯s trip on my mind, I decided to visit my parents. Monday was my mother¡¯s sixty-first birthday, a huge milestone considering she had beaten back Cancer twice. When I arrived at the house my father greeted me at the door as he was on his way to work at the park. It was impossible not to notice how the years had really aligned themselves on my father¡¯s countenance. At sixty-five years old I guess that could be expected but compared to my mother, the difference was stark, but all the years in the sun, as it reflected off the water and from above when he worked on a boat had left its mark. As I looked at my father when he began to talk, I realized the high velocity and shortness of this life. ¡°Is mom inside?¡± I asked. ¡°She¡¯s in her room.¡± he said. ¡°Be careful, she just mopped the kitchen. I don¡¯t know if it¡¯s dry yet.¡± ¡°Okay, I¡¯ll go through the den just in case.¡± I said but as I turned to look back at my Dad I saw his eyes were reddened as if he had been crying. ¡°Is everything okay Dad?¡± ¡°Everything¡¯s fine.¡± he said quickly. ¡°I¡¯m going to the park. I¡¯ll be back in an hour.¡± ¡°Okay.¡± I said. I always regretted my relationship with my father; that it wasn¡¯t as good as it should have been. His arguments with my mother though, all the tears she cried, as I watched her sleep in a bed by herself made it difficult for me to get close to him. There was no doubt my father loved my mother, I just felt he didn¡¯t respect her as much as he should have, and to me that was a form of love I rebelled against, and a reason I fought for Anya¡¯s happiness. Arguments in the household were things I was used to and nothing I wanted in my marriage as I believed it better to agree to disagree, to have an open mind and to not feel a need to win a disagreement. Also, my father¡¯s tactlessness in his critique of my life had weighed me down as it seemed if I had not been a CPA that he would have no use for me in his life. I worked hard every day to prove him wrong though as I was driven to prove I was a person of value in this world but I wasn¡¯t going to act like a sheep to be accepted by it, and even though the life was good on the docks where he wanted me to work, I expected more from myself than what everyone else was doing. Money was not my master, but rather my servant, and I believed I chose the right career path even though it took some time to manifest itself and when I do make partner, my Dad would finally see why I sacrificed for so long and why I chose the path I did. I walked in the backyard, through the back door, and into a long den that was next to my mother¡¯s bedroom. As I walked inside I noticed she was engrossed in the movie ¡°Terms of Endearment¡±. Since she didn¡¯t see or hear me as I entered, I decided to tiptoe in her room and try to scare her, but before I could she sensed my presence and scared herself. ¡°Ahhhhhhhhhh!¡± she yelled. ¡°You scared the crap out of me!¡± The author''s tale has been misappropriated; report any instances of this story on Amazon. ¡°I didn¡¯t even do anything!¡± ¡°Be still my beating heart.¡± she said as she patted herself lightly on her chest. ¡°Will you make some noise or something to let me know you¡¯re here?¡± ¡°I told you I was coming by.¡± I said as I held in my laughter. ¡°Yeah but I didn¡¯t know what time!¡± ¡°What time is it now?¡± ¡°Two¡± ¡°I¡¯m going to be here at two.¡± ¡°Oh geez, thanks for letting me know after you¡¯re here.¡± ¡°Happy birthday Mom.¡± I said as I handed her a small light blue gift bag. ¡°Ooooh! What did you get me?¡± she said excitedly as she sifted through the tissue paper inside. ¡°I think you¡¯ll like it.¡± ¡°A DVD! Something¡¯s Gotta Give. Who¡¯s in it?¡± ¡°Jack Nicholson and Diane Keaton. It¡¯s a good movie. I¡¯ve seen it a few times.¡± ¡°Ok, I¡¯ll watch it tonight. Thank you Honey.¡± ¡°You¡¯re welcome. Happy Birthday!¡± ¡°Oh¡­thank you, but it¡¯s not much of a happy birthday for me this year to be honest.¡± ¡°Why would you say that?¡± I asked. ¡°Do you remember my friend, Carol?¡± ¡°The Energizer Bunny Carol.¡± ¡°Yes, that¡¯s her.¡± ¡°What happened? Did you get in a disagreement with her at work?¡± I asked as my mother seemed to always get in little spats with her coworkers that were usually resolved by Monday. ¡°No, Landyn.¡± She said softly. ¡°She died.¡± ¡°No. When did she pass?¡± I asked completely caught off guard by the news. ¡°This morning.¡± ¡°It didn¡¯t seem like she was sick, I mean she was, but not enough to stop her from living a normal life.¡± ¡°Two weeks ago she found out the chemo was not working, and there was nothing more they could do for her. She decided to go off the treatments, and she was gone two weeks later.¡± ¡°What kind of cancer did she have?¡± ¡°Breast.¡± she said as her eyes met mine. ¡°I¡¯m sorry to hear that Mom.¡± She said as I acknowledged the fear in her eyes. ¡°She was an inspiring lady. To work as much as she did, to live a normal life through an illness like Cancer as if she didn¡¯t even have it. She was the last person I thought would succumb to it. Is that why Dad looked like he may have been crying when I saw him?¡± ¡°He knows about her passing.¡± she stated. ¡°but it looked like he was crying?¡± ¡°His eyes looked a little red. Maybe he just had something in his eye?¡± ¡°Maybe. I don¡¯t know.¡± she sighed. ¡°I got the results from my yearly exam yesterday.¡± ¡°And?¡± ¡°They found some lesions on my skull, Landy. Three of them.¡± she said. ¡°It was surprising but I told your father it was nothing to worry about.¡± ¡°Nothing to worry about? Did the doctor tell you that?¡± ¡°They¡¯re going to run some more tests on me next week. The doctors are optimistic. So am I.¡± When I came by to visit, this was the last thing I thought I would be hearing. My mother¡¯s friend, one who inspired her and helped her tremendously by just being the strong woman she was, had passed away. Then, if that wasn¡¯t enough bad news, two days from her birthday no less, the doctors informed my mother they found lesions on her skull and they need to run tests on to determine if they¡¯re cancerous. The thing that worried me about my mother was that she was just like her own mother, my grandmother, who never burdened any of her kids with the news she had three months to live. In fact, she didn¡¯t have that long as she died suddenly one day much like Carol, almost a month after she was given her death sentence. My mother, just like her own mother, was a completely selfless person. She didn¡¯t want to burden any of us nor took pity on herself. I feared she would not tell me anything as well and one day, like today, I¡¯d show up at the house to devastating news. Seeing my Dad, who was as stoic as they come with reddened eyes, told me I had a reason to fear the worst. ¡°Mom.¡± ¡°Yes Honey?¡± ¡°You would tell me if things weren¡¯t good right? I mean¡­you wouldn¡¯t hide anything...like grandma did.¡± I asked. ¡°I would want to know.¡± ¡°I would tell you.¡± ¡°Okay.¡± ¡°And so I¡¯ll tell you this. Everything is fine and I¡¯m fine. You just wait and see.¡± ¡°Good.¡± I said. ¡°Things are finally going really well for the first time in my life. I need you to be okay.¡± ¡°Everything¡¯s fine Landy. You¡¯ll see. I¡¯m not worried. Everything is fine.¡± she reassured me with a smile. ¡°Can we watch this movie you got me together?¡± ¡°Of course. I¡¯ll put away ¡°Terms¡± for you.¡± I told her. As I drove home that evening after I watched the entire movie with my mother who enjoyed her gift, my thoughts shifted from my beautiful day with Anya to my mother¡¯s health. She had beaten Cancer twice; I mean certainly this was nothing¡­just a few lesions in her skull, and I¡¯ve never heard of people dying from cancer of the skull before. Then I thought of Carol¡¯s sudden passing, how precious and short life really was, and how this woman lived her days, even her last ones, as if they were anything but. I didn¡¯t know her personally but she was an incredible woman to know she had a disease that would soon take her life, like so many others, but lived her life like losing it was an impossibility. Learning of her death was just as devastating to me as the news of my mother¡¯s lesions because she gave my mother a great deal of hope, the most important thing anyone can have in life. That night I couldn¡¯t sleep. I tossed. I turned. I was the Matrix within the sheets. I struggled with the death of my mother¡¯s inspiration, I struggled with the fear of her test results, and I found it necessary to voice my feelings irately at the only person I held responsible for this, God. Why would He take people who were good on this earth away from it while allowing people who didn¡¯t care about themselves or their lives thrive? Even though I questioned his existence, as any agnostic would do, I held him accountable for all that went wrong in my life, and for all the things that didn¡¯t make any sense, in case he did exist. The one constant thought though, that dominated all others was if Anya had Cancer. With all the stress she faced at home, I began to worry about her especially if she felt the desperation and anxiety so badly that her only remedy was to run away from it all. I then started to see how her words ¡°I¡¯d rather die than never have you in my life¡± could turn out to be prophetic and carried a poignant truth to them. I then started to feel sick to my stomach when I thought of her husband, the man who not only cheated on her several times even when she was pregnant, but also the man who told her he would trade her in for two twenty-year olds when she turned forty. He ran around on her when she was healthy so how long would it take for him to do it again if she had cancer and heaven forbid lost a breast? He cheated on her when she was pregnant, a time she needed him to be there the most yet he was taking care of his own needs instead. There was little doubt in my mind this selfishness would continue if she needed him again, and the more I thought of the potential of her being sick one day without being truly cared for, the more I tossed and turned in my bed. The next morning, I was in a very negative state of mind. I slept an hour if I was lucky as all these possibilities piled up throughout the night, and I had a long day of work ahead of me with a couple of jobs that needed to be finalized that day. I agonizingly began to wish Anya was with me now, as I suddenly regretted not pushing her to leave that night. Even though I still believed she did the right thing by not running to me. I missed her dearly, and suddenly more than ever as I wanted her in my arms at that very moment, today and forever. As the fragility and rapidity of life invaded my mind; I became clingy and needy as I started to question my plans that put my patience to the ultimate test. I mean, was there really a perfect time for her to leave him? With all the stress I felt from yesterday, the worries I had for her future, and the fatigue that hit me this morning, I was not Landyn at all. I simply did not have it together anymore as I fell into pieces like rocks off a cliff into the ocean. I text Anya at ten in the morning in an ultra-sensitive state of mind as if the sun was shining directly in my eyes. 10:07 a.m. ¡°Sorry, busy morning. Packed and sent my son off to a week-long 5th grade camp. Just starting off the morn now. Slept well thanks. I¡¯m fine baby, how r u?¡± I was kind of surprised she hadn¡¯t had her son packed on Sunday night especially for a week long camp, but she had communicated to me often how busy she was lately. I just wanted to know if she was okay though, and when she responded I felt a little more at ease. 11:01 a.m. ¡°Hi! Home office today. Just met with my gardener to plant for Spring. Hope you get the CD today. The 1st song is one of my faves. It¡¯s called ¡°Toda Una Vida.¡± My sensitivity and low self-worth then kicked in as I wondered why she mailed me the CD instead of giving it to me directly. It left me to think she had no plans on visiting me before she left for Spain. After she almost ran to me, it hurt to know she had not made any plans yet to see me after our beautiful day together. Even though her actions or inactions, didn¡¯t make sense to me, I text her back to tell her I would listen to the song but it wouldn¡¯t stop my heart from breaking on the day she leaves for Spain. 11:51 a.m. ¡°Don¡¯t say that babe. It¡¯s just a CD. Music is how you interpret it¡­that is the beauty. Ten days will pass in the blink of an eye. I love you.¡± Ten days will pass in the blink of an eye? Maybe for her, but definitely not for me. It seemed so flippant considering how bad she says she misses me. As the fatigue set in and now the worries deepened, negative feelings crept in as well, but while I struggled to hide what I felt from her, I text her a short ¡°I love you¡± response and tried to concentrate on my work instead. She then sent me a text out of the blue nearly a half hour later. 12:16 p.m. ¡°Tuesday was beautiful. I haven¡¯t stopped thinking about it. In fact, the memories of Tuesday are keeping me going. I miss you very much!¡± I felt much better after I read this text from her as I was now able to take my lunch break and get a meal down without a disagreeable stomach. I then replied to tell her I missed her very much too, but with the peace of mind that she would find a way to visit me this week. Not even three minutes later however, she sent me a text that destroyed every positive thought I had, and along with it, any chance of eating. 12:19 p.m. ¡°I¡¯m looking at my calendar and I just have to laugh! I even have my dog¡¯s teeth cleaning appt. on it! My week is shot preparing for a big event on Thursday in OC!¡± It was a hard text for me to read because I wanted to see her so bad. The thing that bummed me out the most was it seemed she was just looking at her calendar now. After our ¡°beautiful¡± Tuesday, I thought it would be the first thing she looked at when she left my place that day. 12:24 p.m. ¡°Can we meet sometime on Saturday for a tea and a walk? No negativity! I can also meet you on the 18th for a drink around 6 pm if you¡¯re free. Have to see you before the 23rd.¡± After reading this text, I felt my feelings were confirmed that she had no plans to come visit me so we could spend some private time together before she left for Spain. At a time I really needed to see her, I didn¡¯t understand why she would not find a way to come visit me. Was it because I didn¡¯t push her to run to me? Was she possibly hurt by that? I didn¡¯t know, but I also couldn¡¯t give her grief for it. I couldn¡¯t let her know how much it affected me, but my fatigue allowed it all to seep in; everything, all the missing. all the loneliness, all the worries, all my love, and my mother¡¯s latest setback as all these storms came together to form the perfect one, and now I was just along for the ride like a man in a canoe up against fifty foot relentless waves. ¡°Sure. Let me know.¡± I responded via text. 12:31 p.m. ¡°Ok. R u ok?¡± I forgot one thing about Anya¡ªone thing I should have known through myself. Although I tried to hide my disappointment from her, Anya knew me as well as I knew her, and if my text didn¡¯t include an exclamation point at the end, my lack of proper punctuation would not go unnoticed. 12:32 p.m. ¡°R we ok?¡± I could have lied. I could have said ¡°We¡¯re fine¡± or ¡°Everything¡¯s ok.¡±, but she also deserved the truth from me. She deserved all the real emotions that tied me down. I was having a horrible morning and my intention was not to make hers horrible as well, but I needed to be honest with her about how I felt whether it was ridiculous or not. Unlike her husband, I was going to be noble, but I refused to play head games and I needed to know if my feelings had any validity or not, but I would have to leave it up to her to see if they did. ¡°I¡¯m sorry but it doesn¡¯t feel like you really want to see me.¡± I responded. 12:41 p.m. ¡°What? How so?¡± ¡°Well, you¡¯re just checking your calendar now. You tell me you miss me, but it just doesn¡¯t feel heartfelt.¡± I replied. 12:52 p.m. ¡°Ok, don¡¯t u dare! I try! If you knew what was on my plate you would have saved this! I knew my schedule before but haven¡¯t had the chance to talk to you about it. Bye.¡± And just like that, my everything left me. CHAPTER 14 ~ TODA UNA VIDA ¡°Music expresses that which cannot be said and on which it is impossible to be silent.¡± ~ Victor Hugo I called her immediately after I received her text, but she did not answer as I instantly flashed back to the morning after Valentine¡¯s Day when I learned she was with a group during her Valentine¡¯s Day dinner, and I felt even worse than I did back then. Yes, I missed her dearly like she had already left for Spain, but I had no right to text these feelings to her driven by fatigue and sadness. She was right, it was something I should have saved. Anya lived an extremely busy life, and even though I didn¡¯t know the details of it, I knew she did. The woman was a business partner. She had two kids to run around and take care of. She didn¡¯t need my longing issues. After I received her text I sent her several text messages as I apologized profusely, absolutely horrified by her ¡°bye¡± as if she would never speak to me again. A half hour later though, she showed me a pulse, and I breathed a deep sigh of relief. 1:22 p.m. ¡°I¡¯m in contact every day. I see you more often than my parents, my brothers, best girlfriends, my staff, my organizations¡­you¡¯ve been my best friend! It¡¯s been five days!¡± 1:23 p.m. ¡°I don¡¯t know what else to say or do. Obviously it¡¯s not good enough. I can¡¯t talk to you right now. I need some time.¡± ¡°Ok. Thank you for texting me back.¡± I replied. 1:31 p.m. ¡°BTW, I think my words and actions have been heartfelt not heartless.¡± ¡°Ok. I¡¯m really sorry. I had a long night and I didn¡¯t sleep much. My mom gave me some bad news about her health last night and I just let it get the best of me.¡± I replied again not wanting to cause her to be more upset than she already was. 1:41 p.m. ¡°I haven¡¯t stopped crying and I have to compose. Katie is home sick and I have to pull it together. I¡¯m so sorry about your mom.¡± ¡°I¡¯m sorry I made you cry. Thank you. Take all the time you need. I hope Katie feels better soon. Take care.¡± I replied. I felt really bad. As much as I dreamt about being in love one day, I couldn¡¯t have imagined it to be anything like this. At times it felt like I was underwater while waves kept barreling over me pushing me further down as I tried to come up for air. The emotions, the feelings were that overwhelming at times and got the best of my positive thinking. These passionate waves of love just kept coming as I didn¡¯t want her to get sick alone and then die alone as I felt she was more venerable internally than most people her age because of her situation and the excessive stress in her life. I didn¡¯t want to lose her as much as I didn¡¯t want Katie and Andrew to lose their mom to Cancer one day. That¡¯s where all of this was coming from, but I couldn¡¯t explain that to her as I felt she was too upset with me to understand, and I just didn¡¯t know how to present that to her with all these emotions I had. She was my soulmate; my life¡¯s love. If I was a bee, she¡¯s my pollen. She represented everything I feared to lose now because it was clear if I lost her, I would more than likely lose my life. Even though love was not meant to be contained, I had to accept I¡¯m in a situation where it has to be until things changed. I also had to recognize I was not Superman, I was human and after the beauty of Tuesday and the melancholy of Sunday, that sometimes those extremes could get the best of me. I sent her a text to tell her I felt awful as I asked her to please forgive me and promised I would not give her anymore grief she didn¡¯t need. 2:38 p.m. ¡°Ok, it¡¯s all right. I¡¯m sorry I overreacted. I¡¯m pulled in different directions and I guess I was at the end of my rope, I want you to know that I do try.¡± She had a daughter who was sick, something she wasn¡¯t expecting, on top of having to rush to get her son ready for a week long camp along with a huge business meeting in Orange County to prepare for. The woman tries more than most would. Not to mention, she also had commitments with her staff and organizations. She was being pulled in a million different directions and she¡¯s only one person. I had to recognize she was going through a lot and doing even more, and if we had any chance of making it, I had to be more understanding and cognizant of her world. She needed Aurelius, not his grief. If we were truly meant to be, like I believe we were, we would happen. Of course, I wanted her now but I also knew now was not the best time. As scary as this misunderstanding was, I believed it would ultimately bring us closer together as the best relationships weren¡¯t always the perfect ones. ¡°I know you¡¯re going through a lot and I am so sorry. I promise to keep all you told me in mind. You¡¯ve been my best friend too.¡± I text to her. ANYA: ¡°It¡¯s ok. You¡¯re going through a lot yourself. Your mom is ill and I¡¯m sure that¡¯s not easy. Your sensitivity is understandable. You fell in love with me and you can¡¯t see me.¡± ME: ¡°Thank you. My mother¡¯s illness is disheartening, but I¡¯m okay.¡± ANYA: ¡°I¡¯m sorry if I caused you anguish by my reaction. I hope this day is still salvageable. Hope you can get your work done ok. You mean the world to me. I love you.¡± ME: ¡°It¡¯s all my fault Sweetheart. You¡¯re my everything. I love you too.¡± This was our second misunderstanding, and both of them were my fault. Here I was worried about the excessive stress in her life and I only added to it. I was just fortunate and grateful she understood. I didn¡¯t know if Anya was an empathetic person before she met me, but if she wasn¡¯t, I appreciated the way she practiced it during this fail of mine. Whenever I made promises to people I kept them as I made a vow to always make her feel safe in my love for her, a love I truly believed in. It was apparent to me she feared losing my love as much as I feared losing hers and that¡¯s why she reacted the way she did. Later that evening, I was touched by her empathetic ways again, something I needed as I continued to feel awful about what I said to her earlier. 6:56 p.m. ¡°How r you holding up babe? Worried about u.¡± ME: ¡°I¡¯m ok Sweetheart. I¡¯m just pretty beat. It¡¯s been a long day. I just hope you¡¯re okay. I didn¡¯t mean to make you cry. I¡¯m so sorry. I¡¯m more worried about you. I love you.¡± ANYA: ¡°I bet you are. Can you go home soon? Are you still at work? I¡¯m fine. Love you too.¡± ME: ¡°I¡¯ll be here for about another three hours. I can¡¯t leave because I have to finalize these jobs. What r u up to?¡± ANYA: ¡°Cooking now. You don¡¯t even want to know what I¡¯m making! I¡¯m so sorry you have to work especially when you¡¯re tired. You really didn¡¯t need my drama today.¡± ME: ¡°Whatever you¡¯re cooking I¡¯m sure it¡¯s delish! I think I provided all the drama today. That¡¯s all on me Beautiful. You didn¡¯t give me any drama that I didn¡¯t give to you. I¡¯m just grateful you still love me.¡± ANYA: ¡°It¡¯s okay babe. I hope you get some sleep tonight. Will always love you.¡± On a mental level, it was one of the roughest days I ever had. I had never felt so much stress and fatigue, but it ended up well and I was able to get a good night¡¯s rest because of Anya¡¯s love. Without her understanding I honestly don¡¯t know what could have happened to me. I held out hope she would still want to see me on Saturday as I accepted it was probably too hard on her before she left for Spain to come to my place. I had to recognize she was going to spend ten days with her husband without the kids and he could make it a difficult trip if he was suspicious. If there was a way he could question her, especially if she was elusive or aloof on that trip, his suspicion could be confirmed, so even though I was bummed, I saw things through her eyes instead of my own. The next morning, I sent a text to let her know I slept well and to see if she would possibly still want to meet on Saturday for tea and a walk. 8:50 a.m. ¡°Good morning! I¡¯m glad you feel better today. Sure we can still meet on Saturday. Don¡¯t know exactly what time, but I¡¯ll let you know later this week. I love you too.¡± I felt like a blind man who recovered his sight as I could now face the day knowing I¡¯d get to see her in only a few. As my day went on in the same productive manner in which it began and just before I was about to go on my lunch break, I got a text from her that made my day. 1:05 p.m. ¡°Missing u¡­¡± Unauthorized content usage: if you discover this narrative on Amazon, report the violation. ME: ¡°I miss you too. What are you up to? When is Suki¡¯s dentist appointment?¡± ANYA ¡°Running errands. You remembered? I always think of you when she sits on my lap in the office. She is going in on Thursday morning but I may have to reschedule. Big day on Thursday.¡± ME: ¡°What¡¯s going on Thursday? Why is it such a big day?¡± ANYA: ¡°I¡¯m coordinating an open house for design firms and real estate brokers. Yadda, yadda, yuck! We¡¯re also designing a company website. All on Thursday.¡± ME: ¡°Well, I hope it goes well for you. I¡¯m sure it will. It¡¯s hard to believe a week ago you were in my arms.¡± ANYA: ¡°I know baby. I was just thinking. I miss your kisses¡­¡± ME: ¡°I miss your lips very much. I miss your taste. I love you!¡± ANYA: ¡°I love you baby! Are you going to be in Irvine on Thursday?¡± ME: ¡°I sure am.¡± ANYA: ¡°I¡¯ll be in Irvine Thursday afternoon into the evening. I¡¯ll be really close to your place. I wish I can see you. I miss you.¡± ME: ¡°I miss you too. Are you able to see me on Thursday? I can break away.¡± ANYA: ¡°Sure! I can meet you before I get to Irvine. What time can you sneak away?¡± ME: ¡°I would love to see you! Thank you! I had no idea there would be a chance to see you. What time works best for you? ANYA: ¡°Of course! I¡¯m glad you brought it up. I didn¡¯t want to ask u to break away because I know you¡¯re busy. I¡¯m thinking 3:30.¡± ME: ¡°3:30 it is! I¡¯m busy but I¡¯m on top of things at work. I want to see you.¡± ANYA: ¡°I want to see you too! Hard to believe it¡¯s only been a week.¡± ME: ¡°The longest week of my life.¡± ANYA: ¡°I¡¯m sorry baby, I feel the same way. You¡¯re on my mind 24/7! Crazy!¡± ME: ¡°I use my pen you gave me for my birthday all the time at work so you¡¯re always on mind too! Sorry you have to deal with me, but hey I¡¯m sorry but I adore you.¡± ANYA: ¡°Deal w/u? You¡¯re the best thing that¡¯s happened to me in a very long time! I adore you too. Glad you use your pen! Maybe that¡¯s your problem. Try putting it away and see¡­¡± ME: ¡°No way. If I put my pen way I¡¯d just find a keyboard and journal about you. I love you. You made my day!¡± ANYA: ¡°Haha! I love you too. You made my day too! I¡¯m excited I get to see you on Thursday! I¡¯ll be in something a little dramatic for the open house since I¡¯m hosting. Don¡¯t be scared!¡± ME: ¡°Lucky me! I look forward to seeing how ¡°dramatic¡± you look even though; I don¡¯t know how you¡¯ll be able to pull it off because you¡¯ve set that beauty bar pretty high already. Thank you for making time to come and visit me.¡± ANYA: ¡°You¡¯re too much! Hun, you don¡¯t have to thank me. I¡¯m just as happy as you are! I miss you sooo much!!! Can¡¯t wait to kiss u!!!¡± Being in love with Anya at times put my thoughts on a rollercoaster without any restraint as I went from thinking the worst because I hadn¡¯t heard from her in the morning to being told I was on her mind twenty four-seven. I never doubted her love for me, but rather my past never allowed me to take her love for granted. I always believed the day a person took someone¡¯s love for granted was the very day they could lose it. When Thursday arrived, I was in a dense feeling of happiness; a bliss that affected my concentration but also inspired me to work hard. A possible future with Anya drove me to love my job, but it was simply because I was more passionate about life itself. Everything energetic outside my window and all which surrounded me appeared beautiful to in my eyes again as even a cloudy dismal day shone bright with optimism. I could honestly say I hadn¡¯t felt that way since I was twelve years old when every day contained vivid daydreams of the future and consisted of little to no responsibility. Like those days twenty five years prior, I imagined how beautiful Anya would look in her ¡°dramatic¡± event attire as I couldn¡¯t wait to feel the wild fluttering of butterfly wings when I had her in my vision once again. And that morning, Anya appeared to be just as excited, if not more, than I was. 8:30 a.m. ¡°Good morning! See you at 3:30! Can¡¯t wait!¡± ¡°Good morning! You and me both! See you at 3:30! Be safe!¡± I texted back Excitement filled my heart as I was up at five a.m. so I could tidy my place before I went to work. I knew it was going to be a short visit and there would be no real time to lie in bed together, but that didn¡¯t matter to me at all. That wasn¡¯t the reason I wanted to spend some private time with her. Of course, I loved those times, but just being with her and to have her near me held equal weight. To me, the feeling of equal weight was a state as natural as the sun¡¯s equal gravitational pull on all its planetary satellites regardless of their distance, and it presented celestial evidence of the passion particle inside me that I believed resided in everyone, and it convinced me enough to believe that in its very cosmic essence, born solely from the universe itself, that this love should not be ignored no matter what the circumstances were. Steeped in anticipation, I decided to head home for the day and to take my work with me. Normally I would come back to work after Anya¡¯s visit however this one was later than her usual lunchtime stopovers, but as long as my jobs were finished under budget and my staff was busy, I could have worked from Disneyland and the partners wouldn¡¯t have cared. When I anxiously reached my apartment at approximately two-thirty which gave me an hour to unwind before Anya arrived, she text me. 2:32 p.m. ¡°Hi Sweetie! Hope ur having a nice day. I don¡¯t know how much time u have but I can¡¯t stay long. OC office is freaking out and I have to go trouble shoot! Xoxo!¡± ¡°Hi Beautiful! I¡¯m just happy to see you no matter how long you¡¯re here! See you soon! Xoxo!¡± I replied. I waited at the entrance of my complex ten minutes before her three thirty arrival and when she appeared at the gate, I could have sworn I was at the one made of pearls. As I let her through, Anya gazed upward into my eyes and smiled shyly away as she stunned in a ruffled black shoulder length dress with her beautifully styled dark hair that flowed just below her shoulders. I had never seen an angel before but I could imagine they probably looked this immaculate and when she smiled at me with her wide brown eyes full of exuberance, my heart couldn¡¯t have skipped, but had to stop as I was stricken in such awe by a beauty I couldn¡¯t find a word from within to make any sense of. All I could do was acknowledge her smile with one of my own, and when she saw the reaction in my eyes, I knew she could tell how I felt. She then snatched up my hand as she hopped up and down like a puppy seeing an open field for the first time. As we walked to my apartment, with our hearts palpitating in erratic yet perfect rhythm, I could honestly say this was the greatest love I had felt in my heart up to this point for her. When we got inside my apartment she put her purse down on my kitchen countertop before I could grab it for her as she flew into my arms. We then started to kiss passionately, as I tried to control myself because I didn¡¯t want to crumple her dress before the event. Ten minutes later she spoke. ¡°Oh babe, I can only stay for another twenty minutes before I have to go.¡± ¡°I understand Sweetheart.¡± I told her. ¡°My God. Am I in heaven? You smell and look so good. I can¡¯t believe heaven could feel better than this.¡± ¡°Ha! Thank you babe.¡± she laughed. ¡°I love you.¡± ¡°I love you too.¡± I replied full of happiness. ¡°You know what, Beautiful?¡¯ ¡°I always blush when you call me that.¡± she said as she bashfully looked away as she giggled. ¡°What?¡± ¡°I got your CD.¡± ¡°You finally got my CD!¡± ¡°I sure did!¡± ¡°Where is it?¡± she asked. ¡°Do you have it with you?¡± ¡°I do.¡± ¡°Do you have a CD player? Can we play it?¡± ¡°I have it in my desktop.¡± I said as I pointed toward my desk. ¡°Is your computer on?¡± ¡°It is.¡± I said as I grabbed her hand and led her to it. ¡°All I have to do is run the program.¡± ¡°Play the first song please.¡± she said. ¡°Toda Una Vida.¡± ¡°Ok.¡± I asked as I scrolled the screen with the mouse and selected the program as the song started to play. ¡°The music sounds romantic. Do you know what the English translation of Toda Una Vida is? My espanol es muy mal.¡± ¡°Yes. I do¡± she said as her soft dark eyes met mine. ¡°An Entire Life.¡± As the most quixotic sound emanated from my computer and permeated more than our ears, I got lost in her eyes as she closed them while she listened and even though I couldn¡¯t understand the words, I knew there was as much beauty in them as what I saw before me. She then started to speak the words softly in Spanish to me as the lyrics were repeated. ¡°Toda una vida¡­Toda una vida me estaria contigo¡­No me importa en que forma. Ni donde, ni como, pero junta a ti. Toda una vida te estaria mimando. Te estaria cuidando, como cuido mi vida¡­que la vivo por ti. No me cansara decirte siempre pero siempre¡­siempre. Que eres en mi vida. Ansiedad. Angustia y desesperacin.¡± ¡°It sounds like a beautiful song.¡± I responded with caution. ¡°I wish I knew Spanish well enough to know what the words meant.¡± ¡°He repeats them one more time babe.¡± she said then began to softly speak them to me as she threw her brown eyes into mine after they were sung. Toda una vida¡­ ¡°An entire lifetime¡­¡± Toda una vida me estaria contigo¡­ ¡°An entire lifetime I would be with you¡­¡± No me importa en que forma¡­ ¡°I don¡¯t care in which way¡­¡± Ni donde, ni como, pero junta a ti¡­ ¡°Or where¡­or how, but next to you.¡± Toda una vida te estaria mimando¡­ ¡°An entire life I would pamper you.¡± Te estaria cuidando, como cuido mi vida¡­que la vivo por ti¡­ ¡°I would take care of you. The way that I care for my life that I live for you.¡± No me cansara decirte siempre pero siempre¡­siempre¡­ ¡°I wouldn¡¯t be tired of telling you always always¡­¡± Que eres en mi vida¡­ ¡°That you are in my life.¡± Ansiedad¡­ ¡°Anxiety.¡± Angustia¡­ ¡°Anguish.¡± y desesperacin¡­ ¡°And desperation.¡± She didn¡¯t have to say a word to me, her eyes alone spoke the words of the song and just as the music ended her lips fell into mine. I took the words of the song to heart as the anxiety, the anguish and the desperation in her eyes were evident as I gazed into her soul. It was clear this song not only defined our love, but also her love for me. I really thought I loved this woman greatly before this moment, but nothing compared to how much love I felt for her after this ultimate show of affection, and the more we kissed the more I felt ashamed about the grief I gave her two days prior. I truly just wanted the best for her as I feared I would lose her to a life cut unnecessarily short. As Anya gifted me the translation to this beautiful heartbreaking song, I also realized why the CD was delivered by mail. The fact that she burned it for me alone was one of the greatest acts of love she had shown me so far as she not only wanted me to know this song but to have it as soon as possible. It had nothing to do with her not wanting to visit me as once again, she loved me without knowledge or recognition of its receipt; a show of love not meant to be deceptive, but to reveal itself in its purest form. After we kissed, I was so moved by her love I couldn¡¯t speak as I deemed her intention to be a most beautiful act by the most beautiful woman in the world in my eyes inside and out. ¡°That was the most beautiful song I¡¯ve ever heard.¡± I stated. ¡°I¡¯m speechless.¡± ¡°There are other beautiful ones on the CD as well, but that¡¯s one of my favorites.¡± She replied. ¡°I¡¯m happy you appreciate it. You¡¯re one special guy. I love you.¡± ¡°I love you too¡­every little piece.¡± As we kissed again, the intensity picked up and she moaned deeply as I pulled her body into mine. She then took a breath just to tell me she loved me as we continued to kiss and it was the first time in my life, I not only felt but also knew how much a woman did. She then brought her hands along my arms and I began to grip my hands along the side of her body. As I pulled her dress vigorously to where it fell off her shoulders, I slowed myself down as thoughts of her open house invaded my mind. Even though she said nothing and appeared to be lost in the moment, this was a huge event for her, something she had stressed out all week about and as much as I wanted to pick her up and throw her down on my bed to make love to her, I had to painfully stop myself out of respect for her current life. ¡°I still feel bad about the other day. I¡¯m really sorry.¡± I said as I held her in my arms. ¡°I need to apologize to you in person for that.¡± ¡°It¡¯s okay babe. I¡¯m sorry I didn¡¯t pick up the phone when you called.¡± ¡°Now I know what it felt like when I didn¡¯t call you when we had our day after Valentine¡¯s Day misunderstanding.¡± ¡°I wasn¡¯t thinking about that babe.¡± ¡°I know. I just really need to control my emotions better so I don¡¯t make it hard on you. I know you have a lot on your plate at home with everything. I can¡¯t do that to you.¡± ¡°It happens.¡± ¡°It happens¡­but it can¡¯t happen anymore.¡± I said as I grabbed her wrist. ¡°What time is it? I don¡¯t want you to be late.¡± ¡°Oh Babe¡­The time flies by too fast. It¡¯s so unfair.¡± she said as she looked at her watch on her wrist I held. ¡°I hate to leave you but I¡¯m afraid I have to go.¡± ¡°Of course. I¡¯m sorry if I kept you longer than I should have.¡± ¡°I don¡¯t want to leave you.¡± she said as she came into my arms and hugged me tightly. ¡°Hey, I don¡¯t want you to go¡­but we do have Saturday!¡± ¡°Saturday.¡± she said as she kissed me. ¡°I love you.¡± ¡°I love you too. I can¡¯t thank you enough for stopping by.¡± ¡°I¡¯m sorry I could only stay for thirty minutes.¡± Upon this statement, all I could do was stare at her in amusement. ¡°In just thirty minutes, you¡¯ve made my life more beautiful than it has ever been.¡± I said as I cusped her face into my hands and gently kissed her lips. After a few more minutes of kissing each other, I wished her good luck on her open house event and then found myself back at the front gate of my apartment complex as I reluctantly waved good-bye to her as she exited the visitor¡¯s parking. Later that evening as I relived the moment she shared the beauty of Toda Una Vida with me, and on a night I didn¡¯t expect to hear from her at all, she text me. 10:43 p.m ¡°Just got home. If I don¡¯t hear from you goodnight baby. Thank you for making today happen. I hated leaving you. I love you sweets!¡± ME: ¡°Hi Beautiful! How¡¯d the event go?¡± ANYA: ¡°Hi! The event went well! Met a lot of people, good for networking. I thought about you the whole time. I¡¯m glad we got to kiss today. I needed to taste you! I¡¯m starting to fade so I¡¯m going to say goodnight. I love you with all my heart!¡± ME: ¡°Glad to hear it went well! I love you with all my heart too and more! Always Always!¡± Anxiety. Anguish. Desperation. Always, Always. After this day, I knew how it felt to have a heart bleed for someone. CHAPTER 15 ~ TENERIFE ¡°¡­There is the heat of Love, the pulsing rush of Longing, the lover¡¯s whisper, irresistible¡ªmagic to make the sanest man go mad.¡± ~ Homer ¡°The Iliad¡± 8:58 a.m ¡°Good morning! How¡¯s your Spanish coming along?¡± Anya messaged me. ME: ¡°As bad as it always been, but I must say¡­I do have a new found appreciation for the Spanish language. Good morning my love! How r u?¡± ANYA: ¡°Ha! I¡¯m doing well. Went running with the girls this morning, wasn¡¯t easy! How r u?¡± ME: ¡°I¡¯m great. Thanks for texting me last night. You had to be exhausted.¡± ANYA: ¡°I was babe. I just missed you.¡± ME: ¡°I missed you like crazy. It was so nice to see you again.¡± ANYA: ¡°I missed you like crazy too! Hard to go a week without kissing you, addicting. Hun, I hope you won¡¯t be upset with me but I have a business dinner with a potential client I met at the event last night on Saturday evening. Unfortunately I will have to cancel on Saturday.¡± My heart sunk into my stomach as I heard this news, but I was also in a good place in my mind now. After yesterday¡¯s show, I knew she was just as bummed out about it as I was. ME: ¡°I understand babe.¡± ANYA: ¡°Are you sure you¡¯re not mad at me?¡± ME: ¡°Of course not Sweetheart. I know it isn¡¯t easy on you over there, and it¡¯s something you have to do.¡± ANYA: ¡°Thanks for understanding. No, it¡¯s not easy. I¡¯m just lucky you¡¯re patient and understanding. I also realize you¡¯re human and it¡¯s not easy for you to be on the other side. I would see you every day if I could.¡± ME: ¡°I know you would, and you know I¡¯d love to see you every day. As hard as it is, you¡¯re my heartbeat and I believe one day we¡¯ll be able to see each other every day.¡± ANYA: ¡°Thank you and you are mine. You¡¯re an incredible man. I hope you know that. I love you!¡± ME: ¡°I don¡¯t know what I¡¯ve done to make you think that but if you say so I¡¯ll go with it. I love you too!¡± ANYA: ¡°I feel that way about you because you are an amazing and incredible man! Never met a man like you. Your mom should be proud!¡± ME: ¡°Thank you Beautiful, but I think you¡¯re the amazing and incredible one. I don¡¯t know how you manage it all.¡± Although I was really disappointed Saturday was a no go, I felt more secure in her love for me than I ever did after her latest show of affection. I brought the Latin CD she burned for me and listened to ¡°Toda Una Vida¡± in my car on the way to work and even on my lunch break. Each time I listened to the words of the song, it was as if she sat next to me, close to me, closer than ever with her translation of the most beautiful lyrics I had ever heard. Anya¡¯s son came home from camp so I didn¡¯t expect to hear from her at all in the evening. She had told me she missed him and couldn¡¯t wait until he got back home because he was her baby. It was hard to hear that because I had always wanted a child of my own, but it also touched my heart to know she shared a special bond with Andrew given the circumstances that surrounded his birth. I would be remiss not to admit it made me sad I didn¡¯t have a special bond with someone like that, as all I had was a keyboard and my journal each night to come home to. In a million years however I never thought I would be so in love with a woman who had children. I never really judged women with kids, but to be so drawn to her was surprising let alone one with two children and who was married, yet it made me long for her even more because she was so mature. Not only did she know a lot about how to love, but also how to navigate life. The following morning, she text me with her plans. 8:43 a.m. ¡°Good morning! Week is booked except Friday. Andrew has baseball games all week and he¡¯s pitching today. Can you take off for ¡°lunch¡± on Friday? Would love to see you right before I leave.¡± I was ecstatic when I received this text from her as I believed I wouldn¡¯t see her until she returned from Spain. ¡°Friday is perfect! Can¡¯t wait!¡± I responded. I believe I could have walked from L.A. to New York and back twice before Friday finally arrived as the anticipation made the wait feel that agonizingly long. The chemical imbalances this love created in my mind seemed to produce one hell of an acid trip, so much so I thought I was hallucinating whenever I saw her, but that¡¯s what one signs up for when they fall in love with someone in this situation. When Friday finally made its appearance, and we both found ourselves, skin on skin, again in my bed, I immediately recognized this would be far from an ordinary visit. ¡°I want to feel you inside of me so bad.¡± she stated as she rolled into my arms after we had come close to making love yet again. That was the first time she told me that when we were together in bed, and not communicated over the phone. There was trust and love in her pained voice as I suddenly became the most aroused I had been with her, even to the point I feared I would be unable to contain it. I mean, I¡¯ve heard of a ¡°minute man¡± but a ¡°seconds man¡± wouldn¡¯t have been a good thing I was certain. This time however, it was nearly impossible to hold back as she looked as beautiful as ever with her hair strewn across my pillow and her arms laid out above her head. I would even say without the slightest reservation she was on par with a cover girl for any Sports Illustrated Swimsuit or Playboy issue I had ever seen. The position of her body, the smell of her skin, the touch of her cool hands along my body, the ambiance of the candle lit room, the look in her eyes and the sound of her sweet voice made me realize I was a man of great, even more than unnecessary restraint as I held back yet again, but her physical beauty wasn''t the reason I felt this way. What made it truly difficult was how gorgeous of a person she was on the inside. In my eyes, she was not only the greatest looking woman but the greatest woman I had ever met. The hardest realization I had ever encountered in my life was knowing that although this pristine beauty¡¯s heart belonged to me, she didn¡¯t¡­but for moments like today, I¡¯d take it, in any way, shape or form as I loved her that much more even with all that knowledge. ¡°I wish I could fall asleep in your arms every night.¡± she said. ¡°You feel so good.¡± ¡°I think I could get really used to that.¡± I said as I thought about the scenario. ¡°Especially on cold rainy nights. It would be nice to fall asleep to the sound of the rain together.¡± ¡°I could just cry imagining.¡± she stated further. ¡°I would be so happy.¡± ¡°Me too.¡± I said as I kissed her. ¡°Have you ever been in love before you met your husband?¡± ¡°No. Not really. I always had boyfriends but not sure if you could call it love.¡± ¡°Did you ever dream of falling in love when you were a little girl?¡± ¡°I never really thought about falling in love. Did you?¡± ¡°Probably not the manliness of things to do but, yes¡­I used to dream about it when I was younger.¡± I said. ¡°I guess when you¡¯re surrounded by boyfriends you don¡¯t really think about it much, but¡­I never really had girlfriends. Heck, I¡¯ve never even had someone I could call a ¡°girlfriend¡± when I was younger. I just always thought it would happen for me¡­you know? It happened for my parents; for lots of people. It just seemed like a given to fall in love one day and to get married, but then, it never happened. I guess I¡¯ve always been a dreamer when it came to love. I¡¯ve really had no choice but to be.¡± ¡°I think I was in love once¡­but nothing even close to this.¡± she whispered. ¡°It wasn¡¯t true love. I know that now.¡± As I kissed her again, I couldn¡¯t help but appreciate the significance of her statement; that she loved me more than she ever loved any other man before me. I didn¡¯t think I was better looking than any of them, I was certain of that, but my ability to love her, I¡¯m sure was different than what she received from the other men in her life. As much as her statement meant to me, love was a lifetime commitment to someone, and I had loved her for only about four months. I still had a lot of proving to do but she made it easy for me because of who she was, where she had been and how much she felt for me already. The way I loved would scare most women away, and it has before, but Anya was the only one who had been a magnetized by it, and that¡¯s all I needed; someone who appreciated that in me. It¡¯s why I felt she was my soul mate. ¡°I used to be shy around girls when I was younger.¡± ¡°Why were you shy around girls?¡± ¡°I think it was because I dreamt about love and I didn¡¯t want them to know how vulnerable I was, and I guess to protect myself from rejection.¡± ¡°Are you still shy around girls?¡± ¡°Not anymore.¡± I replied. ¡°But I usually have to drink to initiate a conversation with them.¡± ¡°Were you drunk when you met me?¡± she asked, perking up. ¡°I had a couple of drinks.¡± I admitted. ¡°I guess I was drunk enough to smile.¡± ¡°Ha! Your smile drew me to you. Maybe it was love at first sight?¡± ¡°Do you believe in that being possible? Love at first sight?¡± ¡°Why couldn¡¯t it have been?¡± ¡°Because there¡¯s a lot to know about someone too! Anyone who can see you knows how beautiful you are on the outside but if I had known how beautiful you were on the inside I would believe in the love at first sight possibility.¡± ¡°You¡¯re always so sweet to me. Falling in love with you is so easy and natural. I love that you¡¯re not afraid to tell me your feelings.¡± ¡°You make that easy for me to do. Your love has opened me up. I didn¡¯t know who I really was until I met you.¡± ¡°I didn¡¯t know I was capable of feeling this way. Your love had opened me up too. I¡¯m still a little nervous about my trip.¡± she shifted abruptly. ¡°I¡¯m not excited about packing.¡± ¡°What makes you so nervous about the trip?¡± I asked. ¡°Being away from the kids and not having contact with you. I wonder if things could change between us.¡± ¡°I worry about your feelings changing for me¡­but I can assure you, my feelings for you will not change. That¡¯s the last thing you should be nervous about.¡± ¡°How can you be so sure babe? Maybe out of frustration? I don¡¯t know. I just worry.¡± ¡°This is how I know.¡± I said as I put her hand on my chest and over my heart. ¡°You¡¯re in here now.¡± ¡°In my lifetime I could never forget you.¡± she said. ¡°You¡¯re embedded in my heart and my head forever. I truly love you too.¡± I knew what she meant as she now had to face her husband for ten days without their children around. She¡¯d have to ask any questions he had and would have to accept his demands. They were married and there was nothing I could do to change that right now. I didn¡¯t want her to get caught cheating even though I felt she wasn¡¯t doing anything he did; she was in love with me, and this was not just a roll in the hay. This was a deeply emotional relationship, not one just skin deep. ¡°I know you¡¯ve never met someone like me but I¡¯ve always been a monogamous type of guy. ¡° I said to further reassure her. ¡°When I have someone in my heart, they own it because it¡¯s really hard to get in there. It¡¯s who I am. Most of the time I wish I was a normal guy.¡± ¡°You¡¯re a normal guy with extraordinary qualities babe!¡± she said to me. ¡°and I¡¯m so honored! Hard to get in your heart? How did I get so lucky?¡± ¡°It makes me smile and tear up at the same time every time I think about how special you are. I¡¯m by far the lucky one.¡± ¡°Thank you. You melt me you know? I love you baby.¡± she said as she kissed my chest. ¡°I love you too.¡± I said as I held her tight in my arms and kissed the top of her head. ¡°I would rather have your love and you more than anything else in this world. I believe you¡¯re my true love with all my heart and that¡¯s the only thing I want from this gift of life. I love you very much. Always¡­always.¡± ¡°You¡¯re going to make me cry. Thank you. I feel like I can go now with no worries.¡± she said as she laid her head upon my chest. ¡°I had a crazy thought last night to just leave. I¡¯m not a very patient person. I miss you so so much.¡± ¡°I think that¡¯s a silly thought more than it is crazy.¡± I said. ¡°Sweetheart, I love you now and tomorrow and even more than that when you get home. You are worrying for nothing! I want you to enjoy your trip and not let it be ruined because of a false fear you would lose me. You have a better chance of surviving a trip to Jupiter than losing me. I would have to say those are pretty good odds my love is going to be here when you return home.¡± After I finished these heartfelt words she smiled excitedly and then kissed me. It was at that moment I knew she felt safe about leaving for Spain. It wasn''t my job to make her feel bad for taking a business trip she had to make. I knew she worked for her husband so I had to accept that part of the relationship until it changed. The trip brought out a lot of emotions in her and I knew why she didn''t want to go. The truth of the matter was she simply needed to leave her husband, and even though her kids would be affected in the short-term if she did, I believed over the long run they would be okay simply because they were sharp strong minded kids. I also believed I would be a fantastic step father to them. I would treat them as my own and they would feel like they had two dads who loved and cared for them instead of one. Based on all I knew, all the conversations and the pain we shared, whatever way she needed to do it, she had to find a way to tell him good-bye as our relationship was too grand to ignore. It was really only a matter of time before she had to face the music that now blared loudly. ¡°I don¡¯t know if you want this info but I started a list of all the pros and cons.¡± she said. There were times Anya would catch me completely unprepared with the way she would reveal things. This was one of those times as I instantly thought of the unheard cons I wasn¡¯t ready to hear. ¡°Should I be worried?¡± I asked. ¡°No¡ªit¡¯s something I still have to figure out myself. It¡¯s nothing new. I¡¯m just putting it down on paper now.¡± ¡°I think it¡¯s a smart thing to do.¡± I said lowly as my stomach turned. ¡°I hope I don¡¯t lose you.¡± Anya then sat straight up and looked at me incredulously. ¡°No you¡¯re not baby. What made you feel that way? I¡¯m just thinking.¡± ¡°I don¡¯t know. I guess I¡¯m focusing on the cons instead of the pros.¡± ¡°Isn¡¯t that like looking at the glass half empty instead of half full?¡± ¡°You¡¯re right, I¡¯m sorry. I should be more positive about it. My past drags me backwards sometimes.¡± ¡°Actually I just need one thing on the pro side.¡± ¡°What¡¯s that?¡± ¡°Your love.¡± she said as she leaned forward and rested her lips upon mine. ¡°I think we¡¯re good to go then.¡± I said with a grin and a sigh of relief. She then extended her pinky to me to let me know, this visit was not going to be about a pros and cons list, and as I met hers with mine, we smiled, laughed then kissed again. ¡°Whenever you tell me stories about the possibility of you leaving I get excited. I hate to tell you that, and of course I don¡¯t want you to run, but it¡¯s hard for me not to feel a sense of happiness¡­even though I know now isn¡¯t the best time. I hope I don¡¯t sound impatient by telling you that.¡± ¡°You have no idea. I dream about it.¡± she said. ¡°I don¡¯t believe you¡¯re impatient. Even if you were you would never show it. Noble of you.¡± ¡°Well, being an honest guy in a dishonest situation makes it difficult sometimes.¡± I said. ¡°Whenever it gets tough though, I refer to the Canterbury Tales by Chaucer.¡± ¡°The Canterbury Tales? Are you serious?¡± ¡°Dead.¡± ¡°Which tale?¡± ¡°The Franklin¡¯s.¡± I told her. ¡°The story of Dorigen and Aurelius.¡± ¡°You¡¯re referencing a tale¡­from the fourteenth century? How do you even remember it?¡± ¡°I just do.¡± ¡°I¡¯m impressed. I¡¯m going to have to find it and read it now.¡± ¡°Read it. Know it. Live it.¡± I said as I quoted Judge Reinhold from ¡°Fast Times at Ridgemont High¡±. ¡°I¡¯m so lucky to have your love babe. So very lucky.¡± ¡°I feel the same way.¡± I said as I leaned in to kiss her. You could be reading stolen content. Head to Royal Road for the genuine story. ¡°I¡¯m going to look that tale up when I get home, but it doesn¡¯t matter though.¡± ¡°No?¡± I said playfully. ¡°Because you¡¯re the modern romantic... and I adore you.¡± I brought my right hand gently through her hair and to the back of her head as I slowly pulled her face to mine so I could kiss her, but when our smiles fought back the intent of our lips I drew her body directly upon mine. ¡°I wish I could see you every day.¡± she said. ¡°That would make my life.¡± I said as I held her tighter. ¡°I¡¯m going to miss you greatly.¡± ¡°I¡¯m going to miss you greatly too.¡± ¡°I¡¯m not happy about leaving.¡± she said. ¡°Sometimes these trips can last a day or two longer, but I¡¯ll let you know. I could also come back earlier too though.¡± ¡°Like I said¡­my love will be here waiting for you when you get back. We¡¯ll be okay.¡± ¡°Okay.¡± she said. ¡°I love you.¡± ¡°I love you too.¡± I said as our lips met again. She then pulled herself slowly away from me and gazed at me in contemplation for a few seconds before she spoke. ¡°I¡¯ve met younger guys before, but they were always so immature and goofy.¡± she said. ¡°I¡¯ve met older men too, but they were mostly too stuffy.¡± ¡°So where do I reside? In the older and stuffy class or the young and goofy one?¡± ¡°You reside in neither babe.¡± she said. ¡°You¡¯re the perfect balance between the two.¡± ¡°Why, thank you.¡± ¡°When I get back, I would like to see if we could go out on a date.¡± ¡°You mean an actual date date?¡± ¡°Yes!¡± she exclaimed. ¡°A real date.¡± It was the sweetest thought for her to want to schedule a real date for us. It was something I had wanted to plan but I had to allow her to dictate its course because of the nature of our relationship. When I thought she couldn¡¯t love me more, she seemed to always find a way to make me feel worthy of her heart and worthy of being together. I felt her skin with my hand as I glided it softly on her shoulder and along her arm as she laid on her side to face me as the purple top and white pants she arrived earlier in now laid somewhere on the floor beneath us. I beheld her eyes in mine, a set of eyes I could get lost forever in as they gazed lovingly back at me. ¡°I usually sleep naked.¡± she said to me. ¡°Do you sleep naked?¡± ¡°I never have.¡± I answered. ¡°I usually sleep in my boxer briefs with no shirt.¡± ¡°Sexy.¡± ¡°Ha! If you say so.¡± ¡°I¡¯ve always slept naked. You should try it babe. It¡¯s good for the skin.¡± ¡°Maybe I¡¯ll give it a shot then.¡± ¡°I even walk around the house naked during the day. My son is starting to give me weird looks though because I do it when he¡¯s around at times. I think he¡¯s getting too old for me to be doing that.¡± I didn¡¯t want to say anything that could offend her, but I did find it bizarre she walked around the house naked even around her kids who were close to being teenagers. Something just sounded off to me about that, but then again, she did possess the softest skin I ever touched so it was hard to argue with the logic if she did it for skin care purposes. Anya was also a vegetarian so she was into natural beauty and body care, and even though I preferred her natural beauty be for my eyes only, I believed her choice was truly for health purposes more than for the purpose of vanity. ¡°My son can be kind of chauvinistic at times.¡± ¡°Can¡¯t we all be Sweetheart?¡± I said as I smiled. ¡°I mean sometimes boys will be boys. As long as he isn¡¯t disrespectful to women I think that happens.¡± ¡°You¡¯re not chauvinistic.¡± ¡°I don¡¯t believe so, but have I had a chauvinistic moment among the boys? I¡¯ve had a few.¡± I admitted. ¡°You¡¯d never be chauvinistic around women though.¡± ¡°I¡¯m single for a reason. Chauvinistic guys do well with the ladies you know.¡± ¡°Not with this lady.¡± ¡°That¡¯s because you¡¯re one in a million.¡± I told her with every ounce of truth behind it. ¡°Now you know why I consider myself the lucky one.¡± ¡°I get really sick to my stomach when I think about you meeting someone else. Really sick.¡± ¡°I know the feeling¡­but I love you and I don¡¯t want anyone else. Ever.¡± ¡°Do you think we could be friends if things didn¡¯t work out? ¡° ¡°Oh babe. I don¡¯t think I could do it.¡± ¡°How come?¡± ¡°Because I would feel I was being disingenuous.¡± ¡°Why? ¡°Because I would always want more.¡± ¡°I don¡¯t think I could be friends either.¡± She confessed. ¡°I wouldn¡¯t want to hear if you met someone.¡± I always thought she didn¡¯t think or cared about that much. It was good to know how meeting someone else would affect her because I got sick to my stomach thinking the same thing. I didn¡¯t want another man touching her and that thought alone made me extremely nauseous. It was hard to explain all the physiological changes that consumed me, but one thought that brought me the most intense pain, was the one of her being in someone else¡¯s arms other than mine. Even though she physically belonged to someone else at the moment, her heart belonged to me, and I believed it would eventually bring the physical part of her to me. She made me feel secure she did not love her husband. She never kissed him when he kissed her. She never said ¡°I love you¡± when he said it to her, and she lived like roommates with him. Without that information, I would never have been in this relationship as that knowledge alone got me through the lonely nights. Then she hit me with something that really surprised me. ¡°I just want to take you in and look at you.¡± she said. I smiled then obliged her as I silently took her in as well. ¡°Would you ever ask me to marry you?¡± she asked. ¡°I live for that chance alone.¡± I said as I tried to choke back tears from her beautiful question. ¡°I guess the more important question is if you would say yes.¡± ¡°In a heartbeat.¡± ¡°Well, I would pop the question to you¡­in a heartbeat.¡± I said. ¡°In fact¡­I even know how I would do it.¡± ¡°How would you do it babe?¡± ¡°Ha! I can¡¯t tell you that. It would take away the surprise.¡± I said as I held the fully lit Eiffel Tower at night in my imagination. ¡°But I already know how I would do it.¡± ¡°You¡¯ve already thought it out?¡± she said as a fast tear made a transit on her cheek. ¡°Not only have I thought it out. I¡¯ve dreamt about it. Replayed it in my mind already more than a hundred times.¡± I said. ¡°What it boils down to for me is how I know you just can¡¯t buy this kind of love. You can¡¯t go out and find this kind of love either. You have to wait for it. You have to sacrifice. You have to dream and most of all you have to believe this love exists with no guarantee it even does¡­and for the most part I had done that my entire life. There is no way I¡¯m not going to fight to make it happen one day. The right way of course. You¡¯re simply better than the woman of my dreams, and it¡¯s not even close.¡± ¡°I want to be with you. I dream of it.¡± ¡°You¡¯re the only one for me. That¡¯s why you should feel good about your trip.¡± I smiled as I put my hand through her hair. ¡°One day we¡¯ll take a trip together. Our time will come.¡± ¡°My mom would love you.¡± ¡°Really? How could you be so sure?¡± ¡°I know her well enough to know she would.¡± she said. ¡°My mom knows everything. She knows all about my husband¡¯s infidelities.¡± "Oh. I had no idea she knew. I''m sure I would love your mom, and I''m certain my mom would love you, in fact I think my mom would probably love you more than she loves me!" I said then chuckled. "Does your dad know of his infidelities too?" ¡°No. He doesn¡¯t know.¡± ¡°How did your mom find out?¡± ¡°The night I found out.¡± she said. ¡°She was the only I could turn to.¡± ¡°How did you find out about his infidelity?¡± ¡°A friend told me. She worked for my husband.¡± ¡°Were you aware he was cheating at all?¡± ¡°Now that I look back there were definitely clues but not at all until she told me what was going on.¡± she said softly. ¡°I confronted him about it that night when he came home from work and he confessed to it.¡± ¡°Well, I have to give him props for confessing.¡± ¡°Please don¡¯t give him too much credit. He couldn¡¯t deny it babe. I had proof so he had nowhere to go.¡± ¡°I see.¡± ¡°The night he admitted to the affair, I was seven months pregnant. I could feel my baby moving frantically inside of me; I guess the noise stressed him out.¡± She said in a soft tone. ¡°I then went to my daughter¡¯s room and when I opened the door she was right behind it looking up at me with these sad big brown eyes. I could see she was scared and confused. I then grabbed the car keys and Katie, then headed to a hotel. There in that lonely quiet hotel room with my two year old little girl, we stayed with an unknown future before us. I tried to keep my emotions in check the best I could, but when I looked into her frightened eyes I thought how could I possibly raise her on my own? How could I give her the best possible life, a secure one, one that she deserved if I left him? How could I possibly raise two these kids on my own? When I couldn¡¯t answer those questions, I decided to return home to try and make things work¡­but a few years later, well¡­you know.¡± As I listened to Anya¡¯s story of the night she found out about her husband¡¯s infidelities, I began to feel ill, as if it had happened to me, as if I had been in that hotel room with them. I couldn¡¯t say a word, as I was too affected by her story for them to sound like the right thing to say. If I didn¡¯t like her husband as her husband before, I certainly didn¡¯t like it now. To cheat on your wife, while she was pregnant with your child was one of the most narcissistic arrogant acts I had ever heard of, and I was devastated for her, devastated that there were no other options for her with the real tragedy being the current option before her that came twelve years too late. ¡°I¡¯m so sorry.¡± I said. ¡°I¡¯m so sorry you had to go through that. No woman, let alone one carrying a child, should ever have to experience something like that.¡± ¡°I think I did it the right way though. Don¡¯t you think? By going to the hotel room?¡± ¡°I think so.¡± I said. ¡°I just wish I had known you so you had an option.¡± ¡°I love you.¡± ¡°I love you.¡± ¡°If it wasn¡¯t for my kids I had been long gone.¡± she said. ¡°I want to be with you. I want to change my life. I would probably have to get a part-time job if I do though. I can¡¯t work a full-time job.¡± ¡°If you were with me, I wouldn¡¯t want you to work at all.¡± I said. ¡°I would want to take care of you.¡± ¡°I don¡¯t think I could let you do that babe. I wouldn¡¯t feel right about that.¡± ¡°Well, I would feel right about it. I would want you to spend time with your kids, as much time as possible so that they understood your decision and more importantly, I would want you to be selfish in taking good care of yourself with no unnecessary stress in your life.¡± ¡°That¡¯s not fair to you though babe.¡± ¡°Just having you in my arms at the end of the day makes it all fair, Beautiful.¡± I said. Pure elation filled my heart the more she talked about her desire to change things. It was the first time she talked about the future, what she wanted and how she would adjust to a new life. Our talk of the future even included a warning from her not to get a pet. To have this beautiful woman and person in my life every day for the rest of mine made me feel blessed, as if God had been watching over me all this time even while I didn¡¯t believe in his existence. I never believed a single human being could bring my life this much meaning and purpose as simply having her in my life, to be able to be around her every day, my soulmate nonetheless, made this life worth living. I actually felt like a rich man, and I didn¡¯t need a single dollar in my bank account to feel that way, but that¡¯s love for you as it makes you feel like the richest person alive. Anya told me she had to leave at one, but our talk about the future kept her in my arms for over a half hour later than that. Here I was, as I tried to get her to feel safe just before she left for her trip, she left me with the greatest feeling of safety I had ever felt in her love for me. I gazed at her face as long as I could so it¡¯s beauty would be imprinted on my mind, not because I feared I might forget her, but only because I wanted to see her every day for those ten days as vividly as possible. As the euphoria of her visit lingered a few hours after she left, and while my phone laid on my chest, I waited for a text I¡¯d never receive. ¡°Hi Beautiful!¡± I said as I picked up my phone on the first ring. ¡°I miss you.¡± ¡®I miss you too.¡± I said. ¡°Hard to let you go after such a great time together.¡± ¡°I felt a greater connection today. I can¡¯t stop thinking about you. It¡¯s driving me crazy!¡± ¡°I did too. I haven¡¯t stopped thinking about how beautiful you looked today.¡± ¡°You looked so hot without your shirt. We make a hot couple. We¡¯re a perfect fit aren¡¯t we?¡± ¡°Ha! I think so!¡± ¡°Please forgive me if I seem clingy. I¡¯ve never felt this way before a trip. I feel like a little kid anxious about going off to camp. Nervous as heck. Can¡¯t help it!¡± ¡°Cling all you want. I love it.¡± I said. ¡°But don¡¯t be nervous babe. We picked right off where we left off when we were five months apart, remember? It should be easy to do after just ten days.¡± ¡°Why do you have to be so wonderful?¡± ¡°I don¡¯t know. I just am.¡± I said as I laughed after I poked fun at my high sense of self. ¡°Ha! You are! I¡¯m eating chocolate chip cookies right now you know.¡± she stated. ¡°I do that when I¡¯m down.¡± ¡°Enjoy the cookies but don¡¯t be down. I now it¡¯s hard but nothing is going to change between us. We¡¯re stronger than ever. I have ¡°Toda Una Vida¡± to remind me of you. An entire lifetime. The beauty of today. I¡¯ll miss you no doubt, but I¡¯ve never loved you more.¡± ¡°Thank you babe. I¡¯ve never loved anyone more.¡± she said. ¡°I¡¯ve come to terms with going away. It¡¯s something I have to do for business. They are expecting me to so I¡¯m sucking it up.¡± ¡°I know if you had a choice you wouldn¡¯t go, but it¡¯s something you have to do for your kids too. I get it. Is it the business aspect of the trip that leaves you feeling this way? ¡°No, not at all. I was feeling sad about leaving without you. I was also concerned about things changing between us. I just miss you already.¡± ¡°Do you really believe my feelings could ever change for you? I¡¯m not your husband Sweetheart, I¡¯m faithful because I truly love you. I mean what I say and I say what I mean.¡± ¡°I truly love you too.¡± Anya was antsy before her trip and I understood how leaving could make her feel like love wouldn¡¯t be waiting for her when she returned. She shared with me some really personal things today, and for all I know a trip away from home was when he cheated on her. I just had to be sensitive to her feelings, and hold her fragile heart with the greatest of care. Her wounds were healing with me but she was still scarred. I had to show her the end of the pain of her past was not only at hand but in my hands, someone who truly loved her. As much as I didn¡¯t want her to go to Spain, it provided a great opportunity for me to deepen her trust in my love for her. If I could endure these ten days, we were going to be all right, and after the events over the last two weeks, it would be a piece of cake. I decided to reluctantly say goodnight to her so she could spend time with her kids. I wasn¡¯t the only one she was going to be away from for ten days, and I had already taken enough of her time for the day. The very first thing I did the next morning was text her. I knew she would be busy and probably packing at the last minute before her flight left at noon, and I didn¡¯t want to burden her with goodbyes if she was in a complete rush. After I text her, she immediately returned my text. ANYA: ¡°It¡¯s always nice to hear from you first thing in the morning. You¡¯ve been on my mind non-stop!¡± ME: ¡°I MISS YOU ALREADY! I love hanging with you.¡± ANYA: ¡°I MISS YOU TOO!!! I love hanging with you, doesn¡¯t matter where. I love u baby!!¡± ME: ¡°I love you too Beautiful. Yesterday was my favorite day together. It¡¯s hard to believe but I actually fell deeper in love with you.¡± ANYA: ¡°I fell deeper as well. Greatest feeling! Hard for me to describe how much I feel for u right now. Overwhelming! I can¡¯t believe I¡¯m not excited about going to Barcelona. I¡¯m losing my mind!¡± ME: ¡°Well, as much as I hate to see you go, I would hate for you not to enjoy your trip because of me. I think we made great memories yesterday to get us both through.¡± ANYA: ¡°I¡¯m glad we met yesterday. It was a great day and I¡¯m glad I¡¯m leaving with great memories of us!¡± ME: ¡°So why not have a great time and we¡¯ll pick up right where we left off when you return. Just don¡¯t forget me!¡± ANYA: ¡°Impossible. You¡¯re my true love. I love you with every part of me! Happy early Easter! Happy early 4 months anniversary! Early good morning and good nights to you!¡± The happy early four months of her text got to me and I started to tear up. It was just the sweetest thing for her to remember we started seeing each other four months ago. I usually remembered those kinds of things in a relationship, but I never had a woman care enough about the time we accumulated together. It just hit me because it showed how over four months our love had only grown for each other. ME: ¡°Thank you for the very thoughtful text. Four months. I sure fell in love with not only a wonderful girl but also a wonderful person.¡± ANYA: ¡°Thank u baby! I fell in love with the most incredible man and I feel lucky to have found him. Loving you is the easiest thing on earth. I¡¯m blessed with your love!!!¡± ME: ¡°Well, it¡¯s pretty natural to love you. I¡¯m blessed too.¡± ANYA: ¡°I know this is weird but do you know you¡¯re the only man I kiss? I will dream of you and your kisses. I love you too.¡± ME: ¡°You¡¯ve shared that tidbit of information with me before so I don¡¯t think it¡¯s weird. I love you too.¡± ANYA: ¡°I kiss on the cheek. No feelings. Very sad. Sorry, TMI.¡± ME: ¡°He¡¯s been emotionally abusive to you Sweetheart, and he¡¯s your husband. That¡¯s the last person on earth who should be emotionally abusive, and that¡¯s almost as bad if not worse than physical abuse. He¡¯s hurt you so bad you¡¯ve been driven to fall in love with another man. What do you mostly feel now?¡± ANYA: ¡°I think hurt then resentment. I¡¯m not bitter but just numb. I go through the motions for my kids. I¡¯d do anything to protect them.¡± ¡°I¡¯d do anything to protect them¡± was something I agreed with but I also disagreed with. I felt being dishonest with them about her marriage was something I had a hard time understanding only because his infidelities had led her to me¡ªnot to mention there was another man before she met me. I was certain society recognized her marriage but at this point I felt God no longer did because of the shattered vows, but I also felt they needed to feel safe at home, and to know they were going to be taken care of. To me that was worth protecting, but to protect a fa?ade, when I was in her life now I had a hard time digesting. As much as this statement didn¡¯t sit well with me, I had to take it for what it was. This was a business trip with her husband to me, but a trip alone with him to protect the kids, and I had to accept that aspect of it. ME: ¡°Well, I¡¯m glad I¡¯m the only man you kiss. I just hope you don¡¯t ever stop.¡± ANYA: ¡°You look amazing hun! I don¡¯t think I can stop kissing you! My drug of choice!¡± ME: ¡°Amazing? Me? I¡¯m just a regular guy babe. You¡¯re beautiful though.¡± ANYA: ¡°Yes u babe! I still blush when you call me beautiful. I just love you so much that when you say it to me, it means a lot.¡± ME: ¡°Well, it¡¯s easy to say because nothing has ever been truer.¡± ANYA: ¡°I still worry about things changing between us when I¡¯m gone.¡± ME: ¡°Why babe?¡± ANYA: ¡°I don¡¯t know. I just worry about losing what we have.¡± ME: ¡°Sweetheart, can I ask you a question?¡± ANYA: ¡°K¡± ME: ¡°If the roles were reversed. If I was in your shoes and you were in mine. Would you be with me in this situation?¡± ANYA: ¡°No.¡± ME: ¡°Then you should not have a single doubt how much you mean to me and how much I love you.¡± ANYA: ¡°What have I done to deserve a man like you?¡± ME: ¡°You gave me your greatest gift. Your ability to love someone, and I love you for it, and all the suns you¡¯ve brought into my sky.¡± ANYA: ¡°Thank you for all your kind words. I love you.¡± ME: ¡°I love you too. Thank you for being you. I¡¯m sure you have to get going. Do you know your itinerary?¡± ANYA: ¡°You¡¯re right babe, I better get ready to go. I don¡¯t have the itinerary, he does. ME: ¡°Ok, well¡­I¡¯ll miss you very much.¡± ANYA: I will miss you with every inch of my soul! I will think of you every minute! I will text you the second I get back love. I love you!¡± ME: ¡°Have a wonderful time Beautiful. I will miss every little piece of you. I love you too. Have a nice flight and a safe trip.¡± ANYA: ¡°XOXO!¡± And just like that, she was gone for ten days perhaps even longer. It was truly the saddest most sober moment of my life. Even though I had her love in my heart, I had ¡°Toda Una Vida¡± playing in my head and the memories of her beautiful smile; I was losing contact with my best friend for ten days. As the reality of the moment suddenly sank in I began to feel the anxiety of losing her love. What if these ten days away changed her feelings for me? What if she used these ten days to mend her marriage? I would have no choice but to let her go if that happened. Even though I knew these upcoming days would provide many questions and be difficult on my heart and psyche, I had to find the strength inside to rally. Monday, March twenty-fourth two thousand eight was undoubtedly the single longest day of my life as I spent the entire afternoon and lunch hour looking at my phone reading her old texts. Fortunately I had saved many of the texts she sent me over the last four months and even kissed my phone like a kid when I read one that brought back a great memory. I only had four months worth of memories but it felt like I had a lifetime of them. If people knew of my relationship with her, how I struggled when we were apart because I missed her so much, I¡¯m sure they would wonder why I would tolerate the agony. Why would I not try and meet someone else and not go through the withdrawals? Yes, I could have met someone else and even had kids with them, but the reason I was willing to take the pain was because I knew there was only one Anya. I knew without a doubt she was my soulmate, and because of this absolute lack of uncertainty, I was willing to suffer. Anya also didn¡¯t need to be molded into someone I could love. I loved her naturally and she loved me better than anyone who had been free to love me whenever they wanted to. If I told Anya about a story I read, or a movie I saw, she would go out and read the book and watch the movie. She made an effort to share in the same interests that I did, and that¡¯s how I would love someone too. She knew how to love me and all because another woman could give me a child didn¡¯t mean she was the one. The wholesome love that I¡¯m sure God wanted everyone to be surrounded by, the kind of love that binds people forever that rarely exists, if at all anymore, I believed Anya and I had that very love; not the kind of love that settled upon the earth, but the kind of love God envisioned for everyone from in the heavens. Up to this point I lived life and loved to a yield of zero, and this was the most real anything had ever felt to me. This love was perfectly true and if it took my life from me now and in the end, so be it; so be my destiny. Adios Yellow Brick Road as the path I had so righteously followed over the last thirty seven years had led me on this very road, and I would have been crazy not to take the detour regardless of the agony of this very moment. The second day was as rough as the first one. A silent phone my only friend as I cycled through saved text messages for comfort. I left the office several times just so I could have some privacy to read them in case I got emotional, as I further realized how deeply in love with her I was. Day Three would not be any easier as it felt like Day One, but I took solace in the fact I was also another day closer to hearing from her again. To not hear from her at all; to see my phone quiet was bizarre and worrisome even though she told me she could not contact me. I missed her so much; I marked my saved texts from her as unread so it seemed like I had gotten a new message from her. The hardest part of this ordeal was not having anyone I could talk to about it as my solitude provided the only comfort. I couldn¡¯t tell anyone yet other than my mother, and it ate me up every day because I wanted to share the love I had for her with the world, to let everyone know how great she was and how much she meant to me. I even googled divorces on the internet because the truth was, I knew nothing about them, but after reading that ninety percent of them were settled out of court it was hard not to feel positive about it. Even though I felt Anya should get a divorce I wanted to know as much about them as I could but more importantly, I wanted to know in what ways she could be hurt by it. The more I read, the more positive feedback I received from the articles. Day four started off the same; left office to go read texts, marked texts as unread so I could pretend they were new messages. When Day Four ended and Day Five began, I found myself unable to sleep as I awoke at four in the morning so I decided to grab my silent phone and started to mark some texts as unread. After reading the last of the ¡°unread¡± texts, my heart started to beat rapidly. 5:00 a.m. ¡°Hi! Don¡¯t know if this message will ever get to you. Anyway hope you are doing well. On a Canary Island, Tenerife. Leaving for Spain tomorrow. Miss you.¡± And after I had read ¡°On a Canary Island, Tenerife. Leaving for Spain tomorrow.¡± my heart sunk. CHAPTER 16 ~ THE VULNERABLE SOUL ¡°Limb by limb and tooth by tooth; Tearing up inside of me. Every day; Every hour. I wish that I¡­ was bulletproof. ¡° ~ ¡°Bulletproof¡± Radiohead When I first received her message I was elated to hear from her. I didn¡¯t concentrate on where she had been but only on her communication to me, however minutes later I couldn¡¯t help but feel deeply distressed by it when I realized she was not in Spain, but on a canary island. How did this happen? How did she go along with this? How could she go along with this? My mind then took over the wheel and veered me off the straight and narrow road of her trip because of my past. I began to remember when I thought Denise loved me, and when I thought Lexi wanted to date me. I then came to the hard sudden realization that I had been wrong about everything I thought a woman ever felt for me. Now, I was supposed to believe this getaway to the Canary Islands before her business trip in Spain was nothing but a three day layover? Before I could text her back I had to sort these thoughts out in my mind as I now understood why she was so scared of my feelings changing for her while she was gone. I then recalled he had the itinerary and she didn¡¯t, but then why did I ask if she knew what her itinerary was? Did I have a sixth sense that she wasn¡¯t being honest with me about her trip? What would be her incentive to be honest with me about her trip if she feared she would lose me though? She must have known this would affect me like the Valentine¡¯s Day dinner did. Like the time I wondered why she hadn¡¯t checked her schedule. This had to be the reason she was so nervous and not excited to go to ¡°Barcelona¡± although it would have been nicer to hear ¡°I¡¯m not excited to go to Tenerife.¡± instead, but that would entail me knowing about this part of her trip. This is why she burned me the Latin CD. This is why she came by to visit me before she left. This is why she wanted me to know she would say yes if I asked to marry her. She knew the itinerary. She had to have known. My mind was right. My mind, my consciousness, my intuition was always right about the things I didn¡¯t want to be right about. Then my heart, my unconscious, the innate got involved as it fought back valiantly. It told me, she knew about Tenerife but she didn¡¯t want to lose me, and she feared she would if she did. I then remembered she would rather die than never have me in her life which gave her more of an incentive not to tell me. I was also told she could never quit me. She wanted to run. She dreams of being with me. All she wanted was for me to love her, the way she deserves a man to love her, and she knows I¡¯m the only man who could love her the way she needs to be loved. She had to have that. I then thought about the beauty of her thoughts. A woman who didn¡¯t love me and who didn¡¯t care if she lost me wouldn¡¯t have made half the effort Anya did. Anya burned me the Latin CD. She came by to share the beauty of ¡°Toda Una Vida¡± with me. She came over the day before she left for her trip. She even shared with me extremely personal things about her life; things that could wreck her entire life if others knew. She trusted me with her heart, the greatest honor a man could have bestowed on them. She wanted to leave me with something beautiful that would show her mercy, love and understanding, and all she wanted from me in return was to love her after she returned from her trip, and I promised her I would. Then my consciousness, my intuition, my instinct, my mind began a vicious counterattack that threatened to destroy all we had shared. No woman had ever found you to be an amazing or incredible man. You¡¯re nothing but a sucker. A sucker for words, not actions. She lied to you about this trip, and she¡¯s lying to you about your place in her life. She¡¯s using you to fill a void and you¡¯re letting her because you¡¯re a loser, you always were, and you always will be because while everyone else is living in reality you still find yourself believing in the myth called love. My unconscious, my innate, my heart, my Higgs-Boson, the passion particle within fought back to hold my universe together. All these negative thoughts your mind is feeding you are false, she told you those things because you really are an amazing and incredible guy. She truly loves you, and that¡¯s why she feels that way. You have done a lot for her and it took you just four months to do what her husband hasn¡¯t been able to do in fifteen years of marriage. She has shared too much to lie to you about anything. Why would she risk everything by being in this relationship if being with her husband meant so much? Why would she put everything on the line even continue to see you even when her husband was suspicious? She talked of a future! Why would she tell you not to get a pet if she wanted to be with her philandering husband in Tenerife? It¡¯s highly likely she didn¡¯t know the itinerary, and her husband held it back from her purposely because he knew it would be met with resistance from her. What if her husband knows about you and he knew something like Tenerife would break you guys apart? What if she knew his game all along and believed he would utilize this tactic so she did everything she could to remain in your heart before she left? After she put her heart and soul into you so you knew how she felt before she left, why would you question her intent and break her heart to pieces? Tenerife caused a rift within me as my mind tried to overtake my heart, but as my love for Anya pushed back against the intuitive advance; an intuition shaped by the failures of my past, and spearheaded by my lifelong low self-esteem, my belief in love, particularly her love for me, fought nobly back, further supported by my complete love for her. I could hear my mind using Mitch and his spirited ¡°I told you so¡±''s which upset me even more, but as the war waged on, my heart won this battle over my mind and that was when I decided to text her back. ME: ¡°Hi! I¡¯m so happy and shocked to hear from you! Good to know you¡¯re safe. I hope the trip is going well. I miss you very much.¡± It was all I could text her as I was saddened that she was at a place I wasn¡¯t expecting her to be, without me. ANYA: ¡°Sorry it¡¯s been non-stop! Trip is going well. This place is amazing! Wish you were here. How r u?¡± Did she really want to know how I was? How I was marking my text messages as unread because I missed hearing from her? How she was in this beautiful place and I was here, in my bedroom, like a prison cell, paralyzed because I missed her so much? And of course, I couldn¡¯t tell her that. I didn¡¯t want her to worry about me. I wanted her to have a good time even though I was down. I was wrong about her Valentine¡¯s Day dinner. I was wrong about her not looking at her calendar, so I had to be wrong about Tenerife. ME: ¡°I miss hearing from you but I¡¯m okay. How r u?¡± ANYA: ¡°I¡¯m so sorry baby! I have to go on at least one of these trips a year for work and it is always crazy! I have to be ¡°on¡± almost every day! I¡¯m at a cocktail party and it will go on all night. I miss you very much too! I didn¡¯t know that I had texting capability until Katie texted me. I just can¡¯t compose a new one. I miss you and love you. I hope ur doing well. My feelings haven¡¯t changed. Text me when you want. I just can¡¯t always get back to you right away. I love u!¡± ME: ¡°I¡¯m fine Beautiful. Thanks, I will. Have fun at the cocktail party. Thanks for texting me. I love you too!¡± ANYA: ¡°Xoxo!¡± It was really sweet of her to text me, but why would she mention her feelings hadn¡¯t changed? Was there a reason why they would? I tried not to analyze things too much, I mean for every negative thought I would find a positive one to combat it. I knew she was worried about me, hell¡­I was even worried about me, but it was thoughtful of her to text me; she could have gone the entire trip without doing so if she wanted to. I just hoped she didn¡¯t contact me due to guilt of any kind or out of a sense of obligation. I only wanted to hear from her because she longed to be with me and truly missed me. The more I thought about her talks of the future though, the better I felt, and even if she did know about the trip to Tenerife, which was a possibility, her talk of the future meant everything and helped me not to focus on it too much. The unknown factor however now shone in my eyes and resounded in my ears, as it threatened my previous level of understanding only because I began to see how I was dying quicker each day without her. On Day Six of Anya¡¯s trip, Kevin Kash and I were scheduled to perform a walk-through of a rock quarry for a new client who was in the concrete business. It was a unique inventory observation that required complex calculations to determine the company¡¯s inventory value and Clyde wanted the managers he trusted most to do the valuation. I had to drive to Hesperia where the company¡¯s headquarters was stationed which was about an hour and a half drive from my apartment. From there we would then have the company¡¯s Controller drive us to Lucerne Valley where the rock quarry was located. Even though it was a Friday, it had the distinct feel of a Monday to me as I couldn¡¯t get Anya off my mind. Here I was in the middle of the high desert surrounded by dreary dust, jagged rocks, high winds and hundred degree heat, and Anya was in a beautiful foreign place. It was hard not to be discouraged by it all for many reasons which led to me having a hard time focusing on the valuation, but somehow though, I had to take myself away from the pain of Spain because these complex and detailed calculations were of the upmost importance to be done correctly, and it was my job to make sure they were correct as a simple error could easily cost the company millions if I wasn¡¯t careful. As the dreariest of days toiled on, surrounded by dirt and a dry heat that wreaked havoc on my sinuses and gave me a headache, I suddenly felt my phone vibrate in my pocket. Beyond my better judgment knowing how I was having a really hard time focusing, I viewed the message on my phone. 9:21 a.m. ¡°Hi! Just arrived at the Arts Hotel in Barcelona! Long day and now I have to get ready for another event tonight. Miss you very much! Xoxo!¡± After I read the message I messaged her back to tell her I missed her very much too and to have a nice evening. When it was morning here, it was evening in Barcelona, a nine hour time difference. I was relieved to hear from her initially, but the negative thoughts without warning began to erupt in my mind, and I found it hard, if not impossible to concentrate. Kevin was there before I was and introduced me to the Controller. He was a short guy with a dark moustache, pale skin and curly hair with a New Yorker¡¯s accent. After a few minutes of small talk, Kevin and I got into his white Tundra and drove off to the rock quarry in Lucerne Valley. Kevin sat in the front seat since he was the designated person who would hold out the three foot long instrument outside the truck¡¯s window that would measure the length of the sections of the quarry we would value. I took the back seat and with my calculator, I was assigned to figure out the size of each pile we chose to measure based on Kevin¡¯s reading, and what the value of those selected piles in the quarry would be. As the Controller talked about their business, I was unable to follow him as I found myself self-absorbed as I prayed my phone would suddenly move in my pocket to let me know I was on her mind as much as she was on mine, just to give me something to help me through this dark day, but the more I hoped, the more disappointed I became as my phone remained as still as the quarry itself. Bouts of depression were common before I met Anya, but this was the first time I felt depressed since I met her, as it made me long for the sadness I felt before we met. What I felt was absolute despair and it choked the life out of my positive thinking, as it even cast a shroud over my bright future with the firm. When we finally reached the quarry forty-five minutes later, I had to find a way to snap out of it and focus on the task at hand. While the Controller drove along the narrow ridges of the rock mine, I tried to follow along with the measurements the Controller read out to me just after Kevin had ran the stick along the ground to determine the length of each of the selected piles, but I lost track of the numbers he gave me and I couldn¡¯t even read my scribbled writings as I knew my calculations were wrong. When I read the first calculation back to him, the Controller corrected me by saying I was ¡°way off¡± and had to be doing it incorrectly. Thankfully he was understanding and didn¡¯t make a fuss about it after I asked if we could redo the measurements of a few piles we had already done, but Kevin could sense something wasn¡¯t right, and when we decided to take a break so the Controller could talk to the quarry manager, he took the opportunity to pull me aside. ¡°How are things goin'', Land?¡± ¡°Good. I got the readings now. The calculations are correct. I think we¡¯re good to go.¡± I told him. ¡°No, I mean how are you doin''? I haven¡¯t talked to you in a while.¡± ¡°I¡¯m good, Kev. How are you?¡± ¡°I¡¯m okay. You know, same old same old.¡± he said, smiling at me. ¡°Are you still seeing that girl? The one you met at that bar?¡± ¡°I am.¡± I responded hesitantly. ¡°She¡¯s out of the country right now, though.¡± ¡°She is? Where¡¯d she go?¡± ¡°Barcelona.¡± I told him. ¡°Spain.¡± ¡°Hmmm.¡± he said, a peculiar look forming on his face. ¡°What is it?¡± ¡°Oh¡­nothing. Nothing.¡± he replied, seemingly reluctantly. ¡°How long is she gone for?¡± ¡°A week and a half.¡± ¡°Man¡­she has to be on your mind more than she normally is I bet.¡± ¡°I¡¯ve never missed someone so much.¡± I tried to explain. ¡°It¡¯s crazy you know? I always thought missing someone was something you were obligated to feel for someone when they weren¡¯t around, but I feel like a huge part of me is missing right now, like I¡¯m just this huge gaping hole. I can¡¯t even explain it.¡± Stolen content warning: this content belongs on Royal Road. Report any occurrences. ¡°Do you guys talk often?¡± ¡°Every day.¡± I informed him. ¡°I think that¡¯s why it¡¯s been hard on me.¡± ¡°I can imagine. Well, hang in there bud, she¡¯ll be back before you know it and life will be good again.¡± he said as he patted me on the back. ¡°Now let¡¯s count these rock piles so we can get the hell out of this god forsaken place.¡± ¡°Count me in.¡± I answered, feeling a little better. ¡°Count me in.¡± Even though it was a brief conversation, it helped me to get some of the feelings off my chest and to focus on the task at hand. I almost broke down and confided in Kevin about the relationship because I felt bad about my lack of focus that extended our stay longer but decided to hold off. It was a lot to explain to someone let alone a colleague, but even though he was a good friend more than a colleague today wasn¡¯t the day. I just needed to get out of Lucerne Valley as fast as possible so I could deal with all I was feeling in the comfort of my loneliness. After arriving back home, I googled the Arts Hotel in Barcelona to get an idea where she was staying. As a picture of the hotel showed on my monitor, I was taken aback as it was a five star one thousand dollar a night luxury hotel, one that rested high above the city and that overlooked the Mediterranean. The hotel was also near a beach and the seafront which allowed for panoramic views of Barcelona. To say I was broken hearted would have been an understatement, and to say I shouldn¡¯t have been also carried some validity. The war between my heart and mind could not be stopped on this night, as I now felt completely crushed by her trip. I even began to question if this really was a business trip or one for pleasure. Was it a getaway from the kids? Like a punch drunk fighter I was staggered by it all, but why would she lie to me and bring me all this way? Why did she tell me I had broken her heart if my heart would have to endure this? Was this what she meant by asking me to fight for her? Did she know that the fight for her would have to come from within? Was this why the romantic singer left her? Because he had to endure moments like this? After I had seen the images of the hotel, and with the knowledge she was not there alone I became suddenly nauseous as I broke out in a nervous sweat. I then felt an uneasiness inside I had never felt before; a discomfort I had zero control of as I realized for the first time in my life I was love sick. I somehow had to find a way to take myself away from Barcelona, Spain and bring myself back to Irvine, California. It was then when I decided to make a late night visit to see my parents just to see if I could get my mind off of things; to hopefully determine the difference between the irrational and the rational thoughts before I vomited. ¡°Landy? What are you doing here?¡± my mom asked up seeing me walk inside the house. ¡°It¡¯s past ten.¡± ¡°I¡¯m sorry, but I just had to get out of the house.¡± I told her. ¡°Did you get the results of your tests back?¡± ¡°No, not yet. I should know in a few more days.¡± ¡°Okay.¡± I said as I walked into her room then saw something I had forgotten about that stopped me in my tracks. ¡°Can I have a couple of these? Do you mind? They worked good on my back last time around.¡± ¡°Just two.¡± she instructed. ¡°They don¡¯t really help my pain much, but I¡¯m happy to hear they helped you.¡± ¡°Thanks¡± I said as I took two of them and stuffed one in my pocket. ¡°Do you have any water?¡± ¡°Sure, in the cupboard out in the hallway.¡± I walked to the cupboard just outside her bedroom and swallowed one of the Vicodin pills. I remembered how much they helped me to relax the night of her Valentine¡¯s Day dinner as I realized how horrific this feeling felt in comparison. When I came back into the room my mom faced me as she sat on her bed. ¡°Is something troubling you Landy?¡± she asked. I then perched myself on her dull pink upholstered rocking chair just beside her bed. I didn¡¯t know what to tell her. I didn¡¯t want her to worry about me. ¡°Anya¡¯s in Spain for ten days.¡± I said. ¡°I guess I¡¯m feeling a little lonely. A little down. She¡¯s on a business trip with her husband there.¡± ¡°Have you heard from her?¡± ¡°Oh yeah, she¡¯s text me a few times since she left.¡± I said. ¡°But it¡¯s still tough you know. I found out she¡¯s staying in this beautiful hotel and I¡¯m just having a hard time wondering why she¡¯s there and I¡¯m here.¡± ¡°How long has she been married now?¡± ¡°Fifteen years.¡± ¡°I¡¯m sure she¡¯s just going through the motions for her children, Landyn.¡± she said. ¡°Fifteen years is a long time. After you have kids, things change. Things are never the same after that.¡± That¡¯s exactly the reason I came to visit my mother. Although, she didn¡¯t agree with the relationship, she had a way of making me see things the way that I should. As the Vicodin kicked in and she further broke this fact down for me, the uneasiness I felt inside began to dissipate. I didn¡¯t really believe she was having a romantic time with her husband there, but she probably was intoxicated from the wine tour and things could happen. Through my mother¡¯s careful words, however I was reminded that I had never been married before and needed a proper perspective. Anya told me they lived like roommates so even though it was possible, I believed if she wanted to mend her marriage, she would have never found a way to text me. If I was going to burden my mind with all possible scenarios, I had to consider factual ones as well. On my drive home after my short visit, I tried to keep my thoughts in order. I really didn¡¯t need any further details about her trip. I didn¡¯t need to know her room was gorgeous and overlooking the Mediterranean. I didn¡¯t need to know about her excursion to the Canary Island of Tenerife with another man. I had to try and cleanse the blur that what she shared with me created. I had two meltdowns before this for no real reason other than fear based on speculation and not fact. I had to work harder to not complain or say a word. I had to think more positively to understand why this trip happened. I couldn¡¯t go back and forth anymore, but what I did know was this without a doubt; my heart could not stomach any more trips even for business reasons simply because Tenerife hinted that a part of this trip may not have been business related. If she had no idea what the itinerary was, I couldn¡¯t take the chance she would eventually find out and go along with it. My mother helped soothe the chaos inside when she told me Anya was going through the motions for her kids, and I had to keep telling myself that over and over again when it got difficult. By the time I reached my apartment, I made the decision not to contact her again until she returned home. If she text me, I would tell her not to worry about me, I didn¡¯t want to take anymore of her time, I wanted her to enjoy her trip without worrying about me, and we¡¯d be in touch when she returns. I had to sort these thoughts out soon though because I now believed the fear of losing what we had was a reasonable fear for her to have now. I understood completely she had to go through the motions for her kids, and that¡¯s okay, but not when she had allowed another man into her life and to fall deeply in love with her. She told me I broke her heart, and I gave us a chance to right that wrong; not to have my heart broken. I feared I could be used to fill a void because she was married, and this fear of a shattered heart was why I left her the first time. No matter how hard I tried to understand and justify her trip, all in all, Tenerife and the Arts Hotel did not sit well with me. 1:41 a.m., (9:41 a.m in Barcelona) ¡°Good morning! Sorry it¡¯s early but I have a full day and I had a minute. It¡¯s been a week it feels like a lifetime. I¡¯ve had many beautiful moments in my head and you were with me, like a dream. The beaches and the sunsets are serene, the people are nice and the food is average so far. I miss you and it hasn¡¯t been easy for me. Dealing w/lots at home and for work as well. Love you!¡± 6:43 a.m., (2:43 p.m. in Barcelona) ¡°I¡¯m surviving on wine, cheese, olives, bread, wine, vegetarian paella, and oh did I mention wine? I did a group tour of the Gaudi Cathedral after the meeting and thought of you. There was a couple totally engaged and ¡°lost¡± in their own world! They couldn¡¯t stop gazing into each other¡¯s eyes and kissing as if the world around them didn¡¯t exist. Needless to say they didn¡¯t hear a word from the guide who led the tour. I was envious. I miss you.¡± I had fallen asleep just before one in the morning, and did not read her first text before the second arrived. After I read her second though, I had a change of heart, and just like that, all the negative emotions brought on by my loneliness, faded away with a single observation only Anya could have made beautiful and meaningful to me. ME: ¡°That is so us. I could totally see us on a tour not even paying attention to the tour guide too¡­lost in another world. Thanks for the text. I¡¯m sure you¡¯re surrounded by beautiful things in Barcelona, but you should know the most beautiful thing there by far is you. I miss you and love you too.¡± ANYA: ¡°Ur so sweet! I would have to argue with that! I¡¯m looking out at the Mediterranean Sea, beautiful and massive. The architecture is amazingly old and ornate. The City is electric and cosmopolitan. The only thing I¡¯m missing is you. I miss you and love you baby!¡± Out of all the texts she had ever sent me over the entire last four months, this one was the most vital. It quieted the storm inside of me and brought my mind the tranquility I had sought. It showed her humility as her love shone on me like a million suns. Her text showed me I wasn¡¯t the only one who had a difficult time and even though she was surrounded by beautiful things, she still ached and struggled. I had to admit, even as greatly pained as I was, I don¡¯t think I could have ever communicated something so beautiful to her the way she did for me. That was all I needed from her, the comfort the beauty of her thoughts provided me, and after seven long days, I was relieved to have them back. ME: ¡°Those were the most beautiful thoughts I had ever known. Thank you for sharing them with me. Even though I¡¯m not physically there believe me when I tell you I am with you. I love you. ANYA: ¡°Yes you are with me! I love you too! I better go. I have another business evening I have to get ready for. Besos my love!¡± After I received these messages I felt all was right with the world again as the heart triumphed over the mind, as my unconscious mind took over the conscious, and the innate toppled the intuitive. Like the Higgs-Boson particle, that kept the entire universe together as galaxies expanded through destruction and construction, the passion particle inside me, inside us all, continued to bind my universe together as destructive thoughts gave way to newly constructed ones. Armed with this new feeling of inner peace, I decided to text her the very next morning. ME: ¡°Good morning! How r u? I just heard on the news Spain is experiencing a grape shortage. Just kidding! I wanted to be the first to say happy 4 months! I hope you¡¯re doing well. Miss you.¡± ANYA: ¡°Good morning! Doing well! Happy 4 months! I¡¯ve definitely contributed to the grape shortage that¡¯s for sure! Meetings and spa day today. Going to a winery for a tour in an hour. Hope to make it to the Picasso Museum tomorrow. How r u? Miss u too!¡± ME: ¡°I¡¯ve been feeling a little under the weather lately, but I feel better today.¡± ANYA: ¡°I¡¯m sorry. I¡¯m glad you feel better today! Better go! Take care! Love u!¡± ME: ¡°You too! Love u too!¡± My thoughts then began to steamroll as once again galaxies collided into galaxies within me and robbed me of the hole I hunkered down in. Luckily, my heart began to counterattack my sensitivity as I relived all the things she communicated to me about her fear of losing us when she returned home, which brought me to the promise I made to her; that my love was not going to change, but to be honest, I felt differently now as these deleterious emotions came upon me like a flash flood that took these heavy feelings, even my promise, and floated them down over a waterfall as if they carried no weight at all. The undeniable bottom line was I loved her dearly and I missed her greatly but I was beyond frustrated that I did. I wanted to just be normal again, to not love and miss so greatly so I would be unaffected by her trip, but there was nothing I could do as my heart resided in a dead-end street as I painfully envisioned every kiss she planted on her husband¡¯s cheek, as even that began to bother me too. That was when I realized how dangerously in love with her I was because I knew now there was no turning back. I was immobilized, dispirited and overwhelmed like a dazed fighter unable to protect his face from every punch thrown his way. Tenerife murdered me inside as the fa?ade of her marriage, and the show she puts on for the crowds I now found terribly disturbing as I realized with every kiss on the cheek, like every business trip she took with him, the fa?ade would only strengthen and it made me sick to think it existed. She communicated to me there were other trips she made during the year to Hawaii, and even to the Bahamas as the great concealment would only continue further, like a plague unleashed upon my overburdened heart and mind. The problem was perfectly clear to me now; I had no idea what I was up against, and when she asked me to fight for her, the last thing I fathomed was I would be fighting for her with myself as Tenerife alone had proven to me that this fight appeared to be a solo act. All I wanted was brutal honesty from her in the beginning so I could prevent myself from falling hard for her, but now, I was too in love with her to want to hear things she should of told me in the beginning. As much as it would bring me to my knees, and probably even to death¡¯s door, I needed to be brave enough to ask her what was going on over her side of the fence as Spain made the blur one of great prominence. I knew there would be more of these trips on the horizon my heart would have to endure if I was to stay, and I couldn¡¯t ask her to stop her way of life if she chose not to do so. I had to prepare myself for the greatest heartbreak of my life, a self-induced malady I did not want to feel as I was love sick for the first time in my life. Here it was Day seven of her trip, and I was still uncertain when she would be home. What if she was gone for another week or even two? I needed to know what my true place in her life was. I needed to know if she was filling a void or if she truly loved me, but I needed to be fearless enough to know. I tried to shift my thoughts to the prior week as it was just a week ago we had the best time together. She was clingy and afraid to lose me, and I didn¡¯t want to lose her too. The last thing I wanted to do was throw four months away especially the best four months of my life, but I needed to be honest with myself, how much more could my heart take? If she truly loves me, she will have to recognize I¡¯m in her life now, and I can¡¯t allow her to think she could just keep living it as if I wasn¡¯t in her life. Of course, I would let her do what she needs to do for the kids, but I needed to know what she did for him because these feelings I carried about her trip were not acceptable and had to be altered in some way, if not completely changed. All I knew was this, Tenerife has made it painfully clear, I needed to lay it all on the line when she returned. I had to be as noble as possible and could not communicate any of my negative feelings to her while she was on her trip. As much as this trip was unfair to me, she communicated her fears to me well before she left, and I had to acknowledge that. I promised her that we would be okay and to break that promise would be like breaking a wedding vow to her. I had to tuck my pain away so she didn¡¯t feel any even though the thoughts of her in that beautiful hotel as she possibly walked around naked and intoxicated around him troubled my heart to no end. I had been nothing but respectful, caring and loving towards her, and I just didn¡¯t understand why my heart would have to endure such torturous thoughts. I didn¡¯t want to disappoint her with my feelings, but I also didn¡¯t want to be dishonest with her as well. Communication was important in every relationship and I wanted her to know me as intimately as possible, I just feared because of all the emotions my words could be misinterpreted easily. I just needed to realize I was deeply confused and I just needed her help to direct me in my thoughts so I understood better. I continued to text her because I didn¡¯t want her to worry about what I was going through on this end and sense anything was wrong, as I tried to ward off any further destructive thinking. Day 8 - 2:30 a.m., (11:30 a.m. in Barcelona) ¡°It rained here last night as well! Thought about you too! I¡¯m glad ur feeling better. I miss ur kiss and closeness. Seems like forever! Miss you and love you too!¡± By Day Eight, I realized I couldn¡¯t put my heart into hearing from her on this trip and once I did that I honestly felt better. I then finally got the best news I had heard in the longest time the following day. Day 9 - 9:34 p.m., ( 6:34 a.m. in Barcelona) ¡°Hi! Traveling today! Will be home tom night! Miss u too!¡± When I received this text, my mind stopped racing as the negative thinking ceased, and my heart rested from the onslaught. There would be no extended trip, and that meant everything to me. After enduring those restless days however, I couldn¡¯t forget nor ignore how it made me feel. I knew I had to find out what was going on as there was no way I could endure another trip like this one. I could tolerate a family vacation, but not another one alone with him ever again, and if I had to endure yet another one, I would have to end our relationship. Wednesday, April 2, 2008 5:14 p.m. ¡°Hi! Just got in! Will talk to you in the morn! How r u?¡± 5:29 p.m. ¡°???¡± I was relieved she was home safely as I took a deep breath after I read her first text. I then went to my room, grabbed a bottle of water from my nightstand and swallowed the last Vicodin I had. I then put my hands on top of my dresser and wept silently, and when I saw her second text that followed her first, I took another deep breath as I prepared myself for the worst and the end of my life as I now knew it. CHAPTER 17 ~ HERO ¡°There are no heroes¡­in life, the monsters win.¡± ~ George R.R. Martin After gathering myself from absolute despair, I returned her text. I didn¡¯t mean to leave her hanging purposely, and I definitely didn¡¯t expect her frantic question mark text, but after I received it I knew she was worried about us. As much pain as this trip brought me, to imagine her in any pain hurt me more than any negative thought I could muster; I loved her dearly even at the expense of my own heartache. There were things I definitely needed to know, things I couldn¡¯t run and hide from, but she had just returned home from her trip, and now it was about Katie and Andrew, not about Landyn and Anya. They hadn¡¯t seen their parents in nearly two weeks and it would be extremely insensitive and selfish of me to discuss anything I felt at this time. As much anguish as her trip had brought me, I was just really happy she was home. ME: ¡°Welcome back! I¡¯m happy to hear you¡¯re back home safe and sound! Thanks for letting me know! I¡¯m sure you want to catch up with the kids so I¡¯ll talk to you tomorrow. Have a goodnight! I love you.¡±

ANYA: ¡°Hi sweets! Thanks for understanding. I have to admit I was hoping to clear my head while away and make a decision one way or another about us when I got back. I¡¯m confused more than ever. All I could think about while away was you and the kids.¡±

I didn¡¯t know how to respond to her text. Clear her head while she was away? Confused more than ever? I felt out of the loop, lost, and in my silence I believe she sensed that. ANYA: ¡°I just love you so much and that was clear to me while away. I¡¯m going to spend some time with the kids to catch up. Don¡¯t think I¡¯m giving up. Please text me before I sign off for the night. I want to know your feelings. Oh btw, we met ten months ago, the 2nd of June! Love u.¡± ME: ¡°I¡¯m sorry, I don¡¯t understand. What do you want to know about my feelings?¡± ANYA: ¡°Have your feelings changed? Have you had time to clear your head?¡± I honestly didn¡¯t know what to say to her. Yes, I had a difficult time when she was away and yes there were things I needed to know, but I also needed her full attention to them. I couldn¡¯t ask her to spend time with me and not her children. Her catching up with them was more important than catching up on all I felt while she was away. These were things I had to save for the next day when she had time to discuss them. It would be unfair to her for me to share them now. ME: ¡°My feelings never changed and I didn¡¯t need any time to clear my head. Can I ask you what made it so clear to you that you were in love with me while you were away?¡± ANYA: ¡°I wished you were w/ me at meetings, events, dinners, parties, walks, tours, sunsets, sunrises, moments. Etc.¡± Her clarity brought a smile to my face as it told me whose company she preferred and how much she missed me. Her trip away brought some of the toughest days of my life, but to know this beautiful woman wanted me by her side at all these events, all these places, and all these moments gave me the solace that she had a hard time as well. It¡¯s not that I wanted her to suffer; I just needed to know how much I meant to her, what my place in her life was and if my absence was felt. She texted me at five fifteen the next morning, and asked me if I would call her right back or later in the afternoon. I asked if I could call her on my lunch break and she obliged. Now that she was home, I felt safer, and at ease. I hated to push aside all I felt while she was away, but the pain lessened to a great extent because I had the one thing back in my life that made me appreciate it. I didn¡¯t want to open Pandora¡¯s Box about the trip, but I also wanted to be real and true about how it made me feel. Even though these negative thoughts were truly horrific, I promised her I would be okay. If I communicated to her I struggled mightily, it would crush her. Then she would have to face her children and they would wonder what was wrong with mom. I loved her too much to put her in that position, and my feelings were too raw and I needed time to sort them all out, even on paper if I had to. The form of our relationship was one of the highest in sensitivity and fragility, but heavy emotions made it difficult to treat it as such, like a tight rope walker holding a priceless antique who had a fear of heights. These negative emotions had to be presented in a way in which she understood where I was coming from. Before I phoned her, I prepared myself to lay it all on the line if I sensed any inconsistency from her. If I sensed any confusion existed, I was going to walk because there couldn¡¯t be any in this situation. Period. The confusion should have showed itself four months ago, not now because everything that was in place four months ago, even years ago, were still in place now; so in my mind, how could there be any confusion at all after all she had told me and experienced with me? I truly didn¡¯t know what I¡¯d tell her or say on this phone call, but I also couldn¡¯t pretend not to be affected by her trip because there was nobility in honesty, and she deserved that from me. ¡°Hi!¡± she said excitedly after she picked up the phone on the first ring. ¡°Hey stranger!¡± I said. ¡°Nice to hear your voice again.¡± ¡°Nice to hear your voice again too. I¡¯ve missed you so much.¡± ¡°I¡¯ve missed you beyond words.¡± I said. ¡°How are you?¡± ¡°I¡¯m fine. I¡¯m sorry I couldn¡¯t talk to you last night.¡± ¡°I totally understand. Your time with the kids was more important.¡± ¡°Thanks for understanding.¡± she said. ¡°So you didn¡¯t need time to clear you head?¡± ¡°Not at all. I had time to clear my head five months before we reconnected.¡± ¡°I think I just said that because¡­well, I was afraid that¡¯s what you were doing while I was away.¡± My heart broke when she said this to me as I realized my low self¨Cesteem disallowed me to consider this possibility, and it completely altered and softened my pre-phone call stance. ¡°It never crossed my mind.¡± I stated. ¡°Is there something I don¡¯t know about that would make me reevaluate my thoughts?¡± ¡°No.¡± she responded. ¡°Like what?¡± ¡°I wouldn¡¯t know what to ask you. Should I have cleared my head?¡± ¡°I¡¯ve told you everything.¡± ¡°Okay¡­and I trust you have, so that¡¯s why I didn¡¯t need to clear my head.¡± I said. ¡°Can I ask you a question?¡± ¡°You can ask me anything.¡± ¡°In your text last night you mentioned you were confused and then you stated that it was clear to you that you were in love with me while you were away.¡± I said. ¡°But what was it exactly that clarified it for you? I didn¡¯t know you were going on this this trip with the hopes you were going to clear your head so you could make a decision about us because I thought your love for me was clear. If you¡¯re considering on working things out with your husband, I need to know.¡± ¡°Not at all. I was not planning on patching things up with my husband, and that wasn¡¯t my hope at all on the trip, and like I told you before, I don¡¯t want to go to counseling, and I don¡¯t want to work on my marriage. Babe, you are not the reason I don¡¯t want to work on it. He is the reason.¡± she stated. ¡°That means a lot to hear you say that.¡± I said as I fought back tears. ¡°I spent a lot of time alone on this trip. Yes, I was with him, but I wasn¡¯t with him.¡± she stated further. ¡°For every meeting, every party, every event, every sunrise, every sunset, every dinner, every tour¡­just every moment I had, I wished that you were with me, but those moments were not the only things that made it clear to me how much I love you though.¡± ¡°Really? What could have possibly made it clearer?¡± ¡°Every morning before everyone else was awake; I went down to the beach and sat down on this small bench to watch the sunrise. It was actually more like an oversized seat than an actual bench. There was another one about twenty feet away, so I would drag it over and put it next to the bench I sat on.¡± ¡°I¡¯m sure you didn¡¯t need two of them.¡± I interrupted. ¡°You¡¯re pretty petite.¡± ¡°It wasn¡¯t for me, babe.¡± My stomach filled with dread as I began to realize where this story may be headed, and faced with the prospect of this bad news I readied myself to call in sick after lunch. This was all too much for me to endure after her trip, and at this moment, the moment where inconsistency and confusion would surely rule, I knew I was done. ¡°Who was it for?¡± I asked against my will. ¡°It was for you.¡± she said. ¡°The only reason I got up that early was so I could pull that little bench up next to mine and dream that you were sitting there next to me, holding me in your arms as the sun rose.¡± Tears fell from my cheek as I listened to a story I couldn¡¯t believe I heard. ¡°It hit me hard that you weren¡¯t there, but wishing you were there made me realize how important you are to me.¡± she continued. ¡°I already knew I was in love with you but I didn¡¯t realize just how much until that moment, and I needed some time away from you for that to become clear to me. Does that answer your question?¡± ¡°More than a question could ever be answered.¡± I said as I wiped the tears from my face. ¡°You were all I thought about, all the days you were away, and I truly was next to you on that bench every morning, just not physically.¡± ¡°I know you were. I love you. ¡°I love you too.¡± After she shared her bench story, I understood why she hoped to clear her head. The confusion lied only within how deeply she felt for me, and not if she felt anything for me as it was all clear to me now. Once we survived Tenerife, I believed we would survive anything, as this trip with her husband would be the last one she ever took with him alone, and I never had to ask her not to, as once again she loved me without my knowledge of its receipt. We made plans to meet the following Tuesday at my place during my lunch hour. I just wanted her so badly in my arms again, to feel her skin against mine and all the comfort it brought within as I was elated her trip was now behind us. On Sunday though, I started to feel negativity slowly seep in as after that morning I hadn¡¯t heard from her all day, and I started to feel that cavernous hole in my gut again. I then decided to text her goodnight and to just sleep it off, but instead of a goodnight text from her, I received one I never saw coming. 9:28 p.m. ¡°Hi! How r u?¡± ME: ¡°I¡¯m okay. How r u?¡± ANYA: ¡°I¡¯m ok. I¡¯m at the bookstore looking for new books from Book Club. Tough nite for me, a little emotional. ME: ¡°What happened?¡± I feared the worst. I had not heard from her all day, and now I felt her confusion had made a triumphant return to its nest of inconsistency. ANYA: ¡°Nothing really. Had a little fight with my ¡°mother-in-law¡±! She¡¯s impossible and I¡¯m sooo sick of her opinions! She expects me to be perfect! Sorry¡­¡± ME: ¡°I¡¯m sorry to hear that. I¡¯m here for you if you need to vent.¡± ANYA: ¡°Just sooo sick of it! I felt like they were ganging up on me. I¡¯m sorry it¡¯s not your problem. Just really frustrated. I miss u.¡± ME: ¡°Does she press you to be perfect? I¡¯m sorry. I miss u too.¡± ANYA: ¡°Yes b/c according to her she was the perfect ¡°mom¡± and ¡°wife¡±!¡± I didn¡¯t know what to say. Even though I didn¡¯t care for her husband at all, I didn¡¯t want to feel any ill feelings toward his mother or to encourage them. It wasn¡¯t her fault that her son lacked integrity and character in his marriage and I didn¡¯t want to be disrespectful towards her so I left it alone even though I was concerned about Anya and wanted to be there for her. ME: ¡°Well Sweetheart, she does come from a different era. I know how my father can be critical and overly opinionated at times. That¡± their way or the highway¡± mentality. She¡¯s old babe, and probably dealing with lots of physical aches and pains now, things you don¡¯t know about that may make her irritable. Please don¡¯t let it bother you too much. You know you¡¯re doing the best you can. Everyone has their own way of doing things anyway. I know you¡¯ve gone beyond being a wife and I already know you¡¯re a great mother. Don¡¯t let her get under your skin. It¡¯s not worth it.¡± ANYA: ¡°I know babe. Thank u. You¡¯re my hero!¡± ME: ¡°Well, you know where I am if you need me. I hope you feel better.¡± ANYA: ¡°Thank u! I feel better just knowing u r there for me! I love you.¡± ME: ¡°I love you too.¡± ANYA: ¡°Do you know what else?¡± ME: ¡°No. What else is there?¡± ANYA: ¡°She knows about the infidelities and she expects me to just suck it up! Thanks for listening. I¡¯m done complaining for now. What r you doing?¡± ME: ¡°Just hanging here at home. Wow! She should be thankful you didn¡¯t take her son to the cleaners! That¡¯s crazy. Now I¡¯m upset with her too.¡± ANYA: ¡°Yeah, she¡¯s something else! Sorry, don¡¯t get mad. She¡¯s just old and I just let her have her way. My life is easier that way. Wish we were hanging out.¡± ME: ¡°Me too. I¡¯m sorry I¡¯m not there with you now. Did you find your books?¡± ANYA: ¡°Yes. Found my books. Goodnight baby. Thanks for listening. I love you! I¡¯ll dream about you!¡± ME: ¡°I¡¯ll dream about you too. Take care over there. I¡¯m sorry you have to deal with her flippant attitude over her son¡¯s infidelities. For what it¡¯s worth, my mom would¡¯ve kicked my butt and taken your side! I love you too! Goodnight.¡± ANYA: ¡°Ur a good man. One of a kind! She knows everything. One day I¡¯ll tell you all about her. She is no angel. Xoxo!¡± After such a depressing day I needed a breakthrough and I believe she gave me one this evening. I didn¡¯t want to say anything bad about someone who was a mother and a grandmother, but how could she justify the actions of her son and act as if the pain he wielded on his wife should be a non-issue? I didn¡¯t know the details of what her argument was about, and I didn¡¯t ask because I felt if Anya wanted me to know she would tell me, but at least I had something else I could hang our relationship¡¯s hat on. I would have never pursued this relationship if I didn¡¯t believe it was extraordinary. Anya was my soulmate, and if I felt she was anything less than that, I would have never put myself through all of this. There was something special about us, but for the first time in my life, I felt there was something special about me. As much as Tenerife pained me, as much as it hurt, I didn¡¯t have the heart to disappoint both of us. Nothing worth having in life was easy, and there were going to be some good days and there were going to be some bad days, but I just prayed the schism between them would not be too vast. Her bench story saved us, and this episode tonight anchored me for the long haul. Support the author by searching for the original publication of this novel. Another thing I worried about was being just her emotional friend; that she loved me only because I was there for her emotionally. This night proved that she didn¡¯t just lean on me for that. She didn¡¯t tell me the details of her disagreement or what caused them all to gang up on her. She told me just what she wanted me to know, and even told me it was her problem to figure out. I knew tonight I was not just an emotional friend, but her best friend. She never complained to me about her husband, not one time in four months, but it bothered me to know how hard she worked, and how much she did for her children. How she busted her tail with homework, baseball games, and ballet all so her husband could run around on her, so if she doesn¡¯t suck it up she¡¯s not the perfect wife and mother? How did his responsibility of being the perfect husband escape that equation? If I thought she had been emotionally abused by him before, I now knew she was and it appeared to be a team effort. What I learned tonight in tandem with the bench story was going to make Tuesday very special. Two weeks passed since her last visit when Tuesday kindly arrived, and I never felt so happy to see another human being in my lifetime. The very minute we entered my apartment we wasted no time as we removed most of our clothing and jumped onto my bed in each other¡¯s arms while our lips satisfied our longing. After twenty minutes of uninterrupted affection and a heightened arousal, I slowed it down and held her tightly as I caught my libido. She then engaged me with her beautiful dark eyes. ¡°What?¡± I probed, smiling back at her. ¡°Are we ever going to make love?¡± she asked softly. ¡°Do you think it¡¯s right to make love to you and then just send you off into the day an hour later? I think you¡¯re deserving of more than that from me.¡± ¡°It sure would be nice to have a night together.¡± ¡°That would be the ultimate for me.¡± I replied, genuinely. ¡°I think if we¡¯re patient though we¡¯re going to experience some really beautiful things together one day.¡± ¡°I wish you would force me to make a decision.¡± ¡°Well, I wouldn¡¯t think that¡¯s right or fair to do to you, and like I¡¯ve said before, I want you to come into the best situation possible.¡± ¡°Do you ever get mad at me though?¡± ¡°I don¡¯t want to say I get mad at you, but do I get frustrated sometimes? Yes, but when I think about the big picture, I understand I have to be patient, and if it gets to a point where I do get upset with you, I¡¯ll have to let you know because communication is everything, especially in a relationship like this. I hate the fact we¡¯re living dishonestly right now so I can¡¯t be a hypocrite and be dishonest with you about how I¡¯m feeling about something, but I also know I can¡¯t get into an airplane knowing the weather is bad and not expect some turbulence. I knew you were married and I¡¯d have to sweep you off your feet.¡± ¡°I could understand if you get mad at me though.¡± ¡°I¡¯m not big on confrontation or arguing. When I was growing up, my Dad would argue constantly and it always bothered me so I would rather just turn the other cheek or talk things out in a civil manner. I try not to get upset about anything.¡± I explained. ¡°So my turn to ask you a question.¡± ¡°Ok.¡± ¡°Have you been eating chocolate chip cookies the last two nights?¡± ¡°Ha! You remember I do that when I¡¯m down.¡± ¡°I remember everything you tell me.¡± ¡°I was¡­but I¡¯m over it now.¡± she said. ¡°Do you want to know what happened?¡± ¡°Sure. If you¡¯re willing to share.¡± ¡°We were all at the dinner table and Katie started texting. I asked her to please put her phone down until after dinner, but she didn¡¯t listen to me so I took it away from her.¡± ¡°Sounds like you did the right thing.¡± ¡°Well, they didn¡¯t think so. They thought I was being unreasonable. Her report card wasn¡¯t all that great also, and I found out boys are texting her constantly. I felt it¡¯s a distraction so I took her phone away for the weekend. They thought my discipline was too harsh.¡± ¡°They did?¡± ¡°Yeah...so I guess I¡¯m not the perfect mother.¡± ¡°Oh Sweetheart, you are so wrong. I believe you did the right thing regardless of what they think. I mean the phones we had growing up were perched on a wall. Dinner time was family time, not friend time. Parents can¡¯t be friends, they have to be parents, and I think you are the perfect mother for doing what a good parent does. You taught your daughter that her behavior was not appropriate or acceptable. Not to mention you probably worked hard to cook a meal for the whole family and that alone should command your attention and respect from her. One day Katie will probably do that for a family of her own and she should reprimand her children the same way if they do that to her. I don¡¯t know how they can argue with your form of discipline. I¡¯m shocked your mother in law, a guest in your house, and your husband, basically your support system thought your form of discipline was harsh.¡± ¡®Well, I¡¯m over it.¡± she said as she leaned in to kiss me. ¡°Thanks for sticking up for me. I love you.¡± ¡°I love you too.¡± I said. ¡°I probably shouldn¡¯t ask you this, but did you ever finish your pros and cons list?¡± ¡°Do you want to hear it?¡± ¡°Only if you think I should.¡± I said. ¡°Well, I¡¯m still working on it actually but I¡¯ll share some of what I have so far with you.¡± ¡°Fair enough.¡± ¡°One of the cons, one of the things that worry me is what my friends, my family and co-workers would think of me if I left. I stand to lose seventy-five percent of my friends if I leave.¡± she said. ¡°Okay.¡± I replied, a bit confused. ¡°I also feel I have a responsibility to raise my kids in a family setting.¡± ¡°I understand.¡± I responded with genuine concern but with quiet reservation. I didn¡¯t want to pipe in with my opinion. They were her concerns and because of that they were legitimate and important to listen to, but for now they needed to be stored in the memory banks. It was difficult not to be affected by her concerns only because I felt these were in place five months before we reconnected, and even before she met me as evidenced by her relationship with the romantic singer who she told me broke her heart. I felt if she were to lose her friends all because she chose not to live life unhappily, an unhappiness far different from the natural unhappiness that comes with most marriages during the passage of time, that they weren¡¯t her real friends to begin with. She wouldn¡¯t be abandoning her children; she would be leaving a broken marriage and a disrespectful, unfaithful husband. What kind of friends were they if they couldn¡¯t support that? I could understand how her co-workers could be affected because they worked for her. Would they lose their jobs if she left him? Would the company stay intact? I didn¡¯t know the answers and didn¡¯t realize her business was large enough for employees, but I could understand how they could be affected by her decision, but I would hope something could be worked out for their benefit. I expected her to be concerned with what her family might think because I already knew her family seemed to be generally unsupportive with anything she did, even if it was the right thing to do. Anya cared about what others thought of her to a great extent, and I appreciated that, it¡¯s one of the things I loved about her, that she appeared to put others before herself. She had been doing that for years, but at the same time others didn¡¯t live with her unhappiness and with her stress, and if they truly knew all she went through how could they not be supportive of her decision? I would like to think they cared enough about her mental well-being to be so. Then I dwelled internally on her responsibility to raise her kids in a family setting. I got where she was coming from there too, and that would be ideal. To me, this con was more defensible than the first con she shared, but she also had a responsibility to raise her kids in an honest family setting because she owed them just as much to believe she was a loving mother and not a soulless robot who¡¯s mere duty was to raise them in a ¡°family¡± setting; a family setting where they could feel secure that there was trust, respect and love between their mother and father. The fact that they believed their mother, who was the most loving person I knew was unloving, made this family setting a fraudulent one that deprived their children of knowing their mother was one of the most loving people on the planet. As much as these cons rattled me, I stayed quiet and just took in all she had to share. ¡°I have a friend who is a designer. She just turned forty-three years old and she got married last week to a forty year old man.¡± she said. ¡°She is so in love and I am so envious of her.¡± ¡°I bet she¡¯s really happy.¡± I said. ¡®She is¡ªbut it makes me afraid.¡± ¡°Afraid?¡± I wondered aloud. ¡°That she could have her heart broken and get cheated on too one day?¡± ¡°No.¡± she stated. ¡°It makes me afraid because I realize if you leave me I will never feel love again. I will be in a loveless marriage.¡± ¡°That¡¯s why I¡¯m here.¡± I said. ¡°I don¡¯t want that for you. If this relationship has taught me a thing about you it¡¯s that you need a real love in your life, and that being truly loved is important to you. I truly believe with my love you would be a better person and even a better mother. I just wish I had something great to offer you right now, but I have to be patient, and I truly believe you will have love in your life forever.¡± ¡°I¡¯m jaded.¡± she said. ¡°I¡¯d give up everything to be with you¡­but I can¡¯t give up my kids.¡± She told me kids were resilient. She told me nothing is impossible. She told me the romantic singer left her and broke her heart because she had kids. I walked away from her to avoid being thrown in this kind of predicament¡­why would she tell me this now? I knew she loves her kids and wanted the best for them. I understood that, but to love her so much and to hear this now was disheartening to say the least. How could she have allowed me to feel this much for her, and then stick a wedge between me and her kids? Her fears were not irrational to have, however to pit me against them was not rational based on all I was told to allow me to feel all that I have. In the same breath, over time I believe she would see all I did and come around to understand what her reality was now. For now though, Anya needed me to understand the way she feels and once I did that, I could present to her a different angle she¡¯d have no choice but to consider. The time for her to leave him wasn¡¯t now¡ªI had to secure the partnership position at my firm first before I could ask her to make a decision. Still, what she told me I wasn¡¯t expecting after all she told me that encouraged me to feel all of the deep emotions I did for her that have manifested into an absolute longing. ¡°Babe, you wouldn¡¯t have to.¡± I replied, trying to bounce back. ¡°I know that is the most important relationship of all, but it¡¯s not me or the kids, it¡¯s going to be me and the kids. I just need some time to show you that, and I will.¡± ¡°You know what¡¯s crazy?¡± she asked. ¡°No¡­what¡¯s crazy?¡± ¡°I¡¯m not even sure if my husband never cheated on me, if I would love him.¡± ¡°Generally, nothing lasts forever. Your love for someone changes over time in a marriage naturally. It goes from one form of love to another. It evolves. That¡¯s the general unhappiness of a marriage though. That¡¯s the form of love the vows ¡°for better or for worse¡± means. It doesn¡¯t mean you jump ship and go find love elsewhere. It means you hang in there, work on things and find it again.¡± I explained. ¡°The only reason I¡¯m in your life is because he did cheat. I could understand one time, it could be a mistake, but when you cheat more than once, it becomes a decision. That¡¯s the only reason I believe in our love because I see how much it means to you and I know how much it means to me. If it was anything less than what we feel right now, I wouldn¡¯t be here. This is special. A once in a lifetime.¡± ¡°I don¡¯t know how you know so much about love. Your insight about love changing over the years is right on. You¡¯re like the male version of Jane Austen, but in a good way.¡± ¡°Hmmm. I don¡¯t know who she is, but thanks. I think.¡± I responded, laughing. ¡°I¡¯ve observed and dreamt about love. The way it should be. I¡¯ve never found it until I met you, so I appreciate it and never take it for granted because I know how valuable it is. Love is all I¡¯ve ever really wanted in life because with it, I feel everything else I want will come. It¡¯s a sad thing in this world when a guy who says he would never cheat on someone is treated as ¡°one of a kind¡±. If we were married, you would never have any trust issues because you would have two things¡­all my love and all my respect. They go hand in hand. I would never dream of cheating on you if we were married. That¡¯s why I would marry you in the first place. I mean why get married if all I¡¯m going to do is be tempted to be with someone else? I would want to be able to say in front of God, friends, family and you that I would remain loyal to you for better or for worse until death do us part and mean it, otherwise I¡¯d be a hoax, just going through the motions to make everyone happy. You know babe, a lot of people are out there in relationships because they fear being alone or fear what¡¯s out there and not because of love. They interpret being in fear with being in love. People even date for the sake of dating. I just never believed in that so I thought it best to remain available so I would never hurt anyone when the right one came along. I think it¡¯s noble but it¡¯s a stigma in today¡¯s society, and I¡¯d even go as far to say I feel like I don¡¯t belong here; like I¡¯m not part of the human race. I just feel so removed sometimes.¡± ¡°I¡¯m a simple girl but not easily impressed, but you never fail to impress the heck out of me.¡± she said with watered eyes. ¡°I think you¡¯re right about people being in fear of being alone. I can relate. You¡¯re just an amazing guy, brave and noble. I¡¯m so intrigued and impressed by your conviction. With you I just know that you would never cheat. That is what I love about you. There are plenty of men out there but in my eyes and heart you¡¯re the real man.¡± ¡°Thanks for that. I try even though it usually works against me.¡± ¡°I want to see and be around you every day.¡± she said. ¡°I want the same thing beautiful.¡± I said. ¡°If you weren¡¯t married and you were single, I¡¯d feel the same way. I love you to death.¡± ¡°Do you remember my ¡°miss you¡± text I sent you after the night we reconnected?¡± ¡°One of my favorite texts from you. Of course, I do.¡± I told her. ¡°Did you know you¡¯re the only woman who has ever been in this bed?¡± ¡°No way. Really?¡± ¡°Honestly. I bought this bed over four years ago too.¡± I informed her. ¡°and you¡¯re the only one I want to ever have in it.¡± ¡°I want that too babe.¡± she said as she leaned into me for a soft kiss. It¡¯s not like I had any real prospects when she wasn¡¯t in my life, but I had come to know her and had fallen in love with her. I knew it was possible, but of course I couldn¡¯t have prepared myself for how deeply I had fallen, but she epitomized the realization of my self-worth as before her, life went on and would go on, but that¡¯s all it would ever do. She was everything to live for, and I was even loyal to her in my thoughts. She was the only woman I fantasized about making love to the minute we started seeing each other seriously, and no other woman in my past, on the screen or in pictures ever crossed my mind. I was even more loyal to her than her own husband was, and it was the easiest thing I had ever done in my life. When it was time for her to leave, my left arm had a hard time letting her go. I finally felt like myself again within the safety of her soft eyes and warm smile as nothing even nature could conjure up could compete with the beauty of those features in my eyes. They made me feel so at peace with everything in life, like I actually belonged here, finally a part of the human race. When she left, I felt a sudden sadness hit me hard, and I decided to just stay home and not go back into the office as the beauty of the day left me in a daze; a state of pure intoxication. As I returned to my room after I had walked her to the gate, I noticed a black piece of clothing that dangled from the top of my bed board. When I realized this item was her bra, I swiftly reached for it and closed my eyes. I then brought it to my face as her sweet perfume permeated my sense of smell. As I laid it down on my bed, I smiled when it hit me that a part of her was still her with me, that a part of her never left. I then heard my phone vibrate suddenly on my dresser. 1:26 p.m. ¡°I hope I didn¡¯t embarrass you by leaving ¡°it¡± there. Miss you already! Love you! Xoxo!¡± ME: ¡°I can¡¯t thank you enough for ¡°it¡±. Miss you already! Love you too! Xoxo!¡± For the next four hours I kept her bra with me wherever I went in my apartment as I brought it to my face every twenty minutes just so I could feel as if she was still with me. As crazy as this sounds all I could say was Love; it just works that way. I also had this extension of her love right next to me when she text me again a few hours later. 4:41 p.m. ¡°Haven¡¯t stopped thinking about today! U felt so good! Sorry it wasn¡¯t a pinky swear day but it was good to share thoughts. Miss u. I could see you every day! I will dream about ¡°our night¡±! We would have so much fun! I love you!¡± It was comforting to know she felt the same things I did, but after today though, I knew I would have to put together an essay of some sort that showed her my feelings to her cons. I already agreed with all her pros, and it¡¯s not like I disagreed with her cons, they were all valid, but I needed something really convincing and heartfelt to show her the earth wasn¡¯t flat. I didn¡¯t know if there would ever be a need to share it with her, but I had a feeling I might be up against something I wasn¡¯t aware of, and I had to prepare myself for her consensus of pessimism. On Thursday morning, just before I headed out the door to head to work, I received a rare phone call from her. ¡°Good morning!¡± I answered excitedly. ¡°What a nice surprise!¡± ¡°Good morning handsome! How are you?¡± ¡°Doing well at the moment. Thanks. Just missing you like crazy! How are you?¡± ¡°Missing you like crazy too! Haven¡¯t stopped thinking about you since I left you yesterday! Crazy! I¡¯m trying to figure out when I can see you again. I¡¯d hate to keep having you take time off, but it gets tricky for me on the weekends.¡± ¡°It¡¯s okay Sweetheart, I understand. I have plenty of vacation and sick hours built up because I never go anywhere or get sick. The firm doesn¡¯t mind me using them at all. If I don¡¯t, they have to pay me out.¡± ¡°Maybe we can meet for a quick spill tomorrow night somewhere? I¡¯ll try my best. I just miss you so much!¡± ¡°The missing is more than mutual. I would love to.¡± ¡°Let me work on it then and I¡¯ll let you know.¡± ¡°Sounds good. I have your bra, but I can only pretend it¡¯s you for so long before I need the real thing. Can¡¯t get you out of my mind.¡± ¡°Ha! You are so on my mind! I hope I didn¡¯t embarrass you at all by leaving it at your place. Don¡¯t know what came over me. It was all in good fun. You can toss it if you want.¡± ¡°Okay then¡­I think I will toss it.¡± I said. ¡°I¡¯ll toss it over my lampshade. How¡¯s that?¡± ¡°Haha! You¡¯re too much.¡± she said. ¡°I love you baby.¡± ¡°I love you too. Have a good day.¡± ¡°You, too.¡± It was a pleasant surprise to hear from her, to know I was on her mind as much as she was on mine. I loved the fact she left me her bra, not because it represented a symbol of sexual pleasure but because it signified a piece of her heart. I could tell how much she loved me every time we were together though. I saw it in the smile on her face. The excitement in her voice. The emotion in her eyes. The passion in her kiss. The warmth of her touch. She adored me every time we were together and that¡¯s a love I could not turn my back on because I felt the exact same way. This week had been the most promising week of our relationship. It started with the morning she shared the bench story with me and the night she shared her dissatisfaction with her mother-in-law who felt her son¡¯s infidelities should be swept under the rug. If trust didn¡¯t mean a thing to her before, it meant everything to her now and she found that in me, a man who wasn¡¯t even her husband who was more faithful to her. Sadly, she lived her life under a cloud of deception, and it was my job as her lover to lay it all on the line and tell her things she may not want to hear but had to hear. I would never consider myself a hero; I¡¯ve never been to war, I¡¯ve never saved a single life and I¡¯ve done nothing to make this world proud of me, but I truly was her hero. The irony of it all was I had always wanted to be someone¡¯s hero, but little did Anya know she was my hero. She had shown me the love I used to dream about, a love whose faith I had lost in its existence, was indeed real. I truly believed if I had met her before she got married, it never would have worked out between us because it took a man like her husband for her to see any value in a guy like me, and I was convinced we were supposed to meet now as untimely as it was. After returning home from work. I gave my mother a call to see how she was doing. She informed me the results of her tests came back negative, but she would need regular follow-up appointments every three months. The news brought me great relief, and it was especially nice to hear her so upbeat again because I saw how the news of her lesions distressed her. I found my mother¡¯s positive attitude in the face of Cancer inspiring and I honestly believed it was more effective than any treatment ever could be. It had been a solid day for me. My mother¡¯s Cancer results came back negative, Anya arranged it so we could see each other the following night, and I had a very productive day at work as I wrote in my journal about all these positive thoughts that gave me life like the blood that flowed through my veins. Unknown to me however while I basked in this rare state of bliss Anya and her husband were out on a dinner date, and I would learn the details unexpectedly when we met the following night that threatened my new found peace. CHAPTER 18 ~ UNARMED The world as we have created it is a process of our thinking. It cannot be changed without changing our thinking.¡± ~ Albert Einstein On the morning of our meeting, Anya text me to ask if we could meet for tea or coffee at The Good Morning Caf¨¦ instead of having a glass of wine at a crowded bar area. I couldn¡¯t agree fast enough as we made plans to meet at the cafe then retreat to the semi-secluded bench area we found the last time we were there. It was just before dusk when I arrived ten minutes early strictly due to the heightened anticipation of seeing her again. Because I was early, I text her to see what she wanted to drink to save her a trip inside, and so we could spend more time together rather than be caught standing in line at a public place. Not to mention, if Crazy Dave was there, she would be spared the details of his past marital adventures. After I received her order and retrieved our drinks without a Crazy Dave sighting, I walked to our bench and sat down to wait for her. Not a minute later and right on time, she appeared and sat down next to me. I always found it remarkable how every time I saw Anya, it felt like the first time I saw her as the excitement of being next to her just never got old. I wanted to kiss and hug her, but fought the urge because we were outside and I feared it would make her feel uncomfortable. As she sat down next to me and I handed her drink to her, I noticed there was a hint of apprehension in her face, and I began to fear something unnerving hung for dear life on her lips. ¡°Oh, babe.¡± she said, sadly. ¡°I¡¯ve missed you so much. Thanks for meeting me here. Thank you for my drink.¡± ¡°I¡¯ve missed you too. Thanks for finding a way to make this happen.¡± I told her, lightly patting her leg. ¡°I went out to dinner with my husband last night.¡± she exclaimed, shocking me. ¡°Oh.¡± I responded, nervousness stirring in my gut. ¡°Was it a spur of the moment thing?¡± ¡°Yes. He wanted to talk about things between us.¡± ¡°I see. What did he have to say?¡± I asked with great trepidation, my mind starting to race. ¡°First, he asked me again, where I saw myself in five years from now. I told him I didn¡¯t know.¡± she revealed, her eyes focused on mine. ¡°I then told him I¡¯m only here because of the kids, but he didn¡¯t believe me.¡± ¡°He didn¡¯t believe you?¡± I asked, surprised. ¡°He then informs me I would never leave him because I¡¯m too high maintenance.¡± she stated. ¡°I told him all the trips don¡¯t matter to me. That he¡¯s hurt me one too many times.¡± ¡°Good.¡± I perked. ¡°He then laid it on pretty heavily.¡± she continued. ¡°He then tells me that he would lose an arm if he could change the things he did, and that he would fight for me if I ever try to leave him. I asked him why he would.¡± ¡°What did he say?¡± ¡°He just said. ¡°I¡¯m going to fight for you.¡±" she informed me. ¡°I will fight for you. You belong to me. I love you.¡± She told me she never responded to his ¡°I love you¡±¡¯s, and now I knew the reason why as he appeared to be quite the consummate showman. I didn¡¯t know what to say, so I decided not to say anything. I felt secure in her love for me, and that his words were something he couldn¡¯t sell her on for I knew his love didn¡¯t exist in what he had, but only in what he could lose. The timing of his conversation unnerved me for these were words that should have been spoken years ago; twelve years before me to be exact. The timing alone suggested not only a ploy to tug at her heart strings, but that he was also still suspicious, and it warmed my heart not because I wanted him to find out, but only because it made me feel good to know she was genuine enough to be unable to hide her feelings for me; that in some way he noticed a change in her, so noticeable that now many years after the fact, he was on his knees. The timing alone suggested to me that his reconciliatory tone was wholly insincere, contrived, and was narcissism disguised as an undying love for her, when it was truly an unfettered love for his money, for his reputation and for himself. I felt I didn¡¯t have to tell Anya my views on his words because there was a reason she never said ¡°I love you¡± back to him, and this was it. He was her husband in the eyes of society, in the eyes of our government, in the eyes of the world, but he was not her husband in the heart of God, and I bet my heart and soul on that. As much as I wasn¡¯t sure of His existence, I knew that much. More than ever, I could see how he didn¡¯t care for his wife¡¯s happiness. I was certain he cared about his children though, and I even tried to argue that he was trying to save his family but the words ¡°you belong to me¡± told me he was not fighting for them, and if that was his intention, he would have never cheated on their mother in the first place. However, as much as I respected him as a father, my displeasure with him only existed because he was an emotionally abusive husband, something he had kept well hidden until now. He didn¡¯t have to raise a hand to his wife because he used the worst thing imaginable against her; his mind, and he assaulted her with it by the words he used as he had done for many years. He wasn¡¯t going to fight for her; he was going to fight for his money, his business, his ego, and he was going to use the kids likea nuclear bomb to prey on her greatest fear of them being taken from her. If he truly loved her, being fully aware of her pain and her struggle, knowing full well he was entirely responsible, and with the knowledge she would be happier without him through his suspicions that clearly existed, he would find it in his heart to let her go. The fact he would fight for her instead of making things right for her told me he did not love her, but rather himself, a phoniness made transparent by his unrealistic and cheap offer to lose an arm to right his wrongs. ¡°What do you believe your kids think about your marriage? Do they think something may not be right at home?¡± ¡°I don¡¯t know babe.¡± she said. ¡°Why do the kids think you¡¯re unloving?¡± ¡°Because I don¡¯t show him any affection.¡± ¡°I think kids need to at least know their parents are affectionate towards each other and it¡¯s not one sided because they will believe that kind of love is acceptable in a marriage.¡± I said. ¡°At this point I think his goal is to make you look bad instead of being a man and doing the right thing. I could understand him fighting for you if he had been faithful, heck he wouldn¡¯t have to fight because I wouldn¡¯t be here and if I was, I would allow him to win, but his words are not sincere at all or heartfelt. To me this is lip service because the timing of it is really late in the game.¡± ¡°Thanks babe. I agree¡­I don¡¯t know what he¡¯d be fighting for.¡± ¡°I have a pretty good idea, but I think in your heart of hearts, you know. We¡¯ll just have to see how it plays out. If it ever does.¡± ¡°I worry about you so much it hurts.¡± ¡°Worry about me? Why?¡± ¡°I feel I bring you pain.¡± ¡°I do feel pain at times, but it¡¯s not unwillingly. You bring me a lot of happiness and it always takes the pain away.¡± I said. ¡°It¡¯s just the nature of our relationship. I think about how much you love me and everything you¡¯ve told me and I¡¯m fine babe. Nothing to worry about.¡± ¡°My girlfriends think you¡¯re the sweetest guy. I totally agree.¡± ¡°Who? Debbie and Carolyn?¡± ¡°They adore you. We talk and they know I¡¯m in love with you.¡± she said. ¡°We have a mud run coming up and I just hope I don¡¯t hurt my ankle again. It¡¯s pretty sore.¡± When Anya told me this, I truly didn¡¯t know what to think. I really liked Carolyn and Debbie too. It felt good to know they thought so highly of me, but at the same time they weren¡¯t aware of Anya¡¯s husband¡¯s infidelities so that concerned me, and the only way I could reason they adored me was maybe they knew something else I didn¡¯t know about her husband that was even worse or just as bad. ¡°I adore them too. Mud run, huh? Sounds like fun." I said, extremely touched to know they liked me as much as I liked them. "How many times have you hurt your ankle? Is it bothering you?¡± ¡°We do it every year. Shooting pain comes and goes but not bad. The last ankle injury I had was my fourth, so the pain is to be expected. Working on strengthening it.¡± ¡°I hope it feels better. Do you have any plans this weekend?¡± ¡°Business dinner tomorrow night.¡± ¡°With him?¡± I asked. ¡°Yes.¡± Sometimes she went on business dinners alone but I had to admit, now that I was in love with her the dinners began to hurt a little bit just because I imagined her looking very beautiful in her cocktail dresses as I was certain she turned heads whenever she went out. It just saddened me that the man who loved her the most in this world saw her less than others did. I was also certain there could be conversations that would never grace my ears and that¡¯s what made it tougher on me now, but again it was about the bigger picture; the fight within. I guess in my silence, she could tell the business dinner consumed my thoughts as she then leaned in to kiss me unexpectedly, and her taste helped create a train of positive consciousness. ¡°Sometimes when I¡¯m at home, I find myself licking my lips when I think about your kiss.¡± she revealed. ¡°I¡¯ve definitely never kissed anyone as much as I¡¯ve kissed you, and the craziest thing is I never want it to end." I told her. "Even though it satisfies me, it¡¯s just something I can¡¯t get enough of.¡± ¡°I feel the same way! It always feels like the first time we¡¯ve kissed.¡± she said. ¡°What are your plans this weekend babe?¡± ¡°I¡¯ll probably head to the beach. I haven¡¯t been rollerblading in a while.¡± ¡°Take me with you!¡± ¡°How I wish!¡± I laughed. ¡°That would be so much fun.¡± ¡°You probably wouldn¡¯t want to be seen with me, though.¡± She told me, her eyes shifting to the ground. ¡°Now that¡¯s the craziest thing you¡¯re ever said. Why wouldn¡¯t I want to be seen with you?¡± ¡°Because I have pink roller skates.¡± She said, her soft dark eyes back into mine. ¡°Oh babe. I would love to be seen with you.¡± I stated. ¡°AND your pink roller skates.¡± She then leaned in and kissed me unexpectedly again. ¡°That¡¯s another reason I love you.¡± ¡°Why is that?¡± I laughed. ¡°All because I don¡¯t mind being seen with you in your pink roller skates?¡± ¡°No, it¡¯s just I expected you to tease me about them.¡± She answered, smiling. ¡°I love that you accept me for who I am. You¡¯re the best.¡± ¡°I don¡¯t deserve a medal for that Sweetheart.¡± I retorted. ¡°Because it¡¯s the easiest thing to do.¡± After another brief kiss, our time together came to a close. After we reached our cars that were parked next to one another, she quickly turned to me and stood still for about ten seconds before she spoke. ¡°I just want to be happy again.¡± ¡°That¡¯s all I want for you. I think you deserve it and it¡¯s possible. That¡¯s why I¡¯m here.¡± ¡°I love you.¡± ¡°I love you too.¡± After we said our goodbyes, I sat alone in my car for ten minutes after she left unable to move. I then realized it was too hard to go home to my lonely apartment so I decided to visit my parents instead. When I entered the house, to no surprise, my father wasn¡¯t home but I could hear the television on in my mother¡¯s room. When I opened the door, I found the lights were out and she was lying down face up on her bed with a large white ice bag on her head. My mom got migraines often however because of the lesions they found on her skull, I began to fear the worst when I saw her bedridden by it. ¡°Hey mom.¡± I said softly, walking up to her bed carefully then placing my hand on her head. ¡°Are you okay?¡± ¡°I¡¯m fine Honey.¡± she groggily replied before sitting up from her bed and with a breaking smile forming upon her face. ¡°I just have a headache that¡¯s all. How are you? What are you doing here so late?¡± ¡°I¡¯m fine, just needed to get out of the house for a little bit.¡± I told her. ¡°Do you have a migraine?¡± ¡°I think so.¡± ¡°Did the doctor give you anything to take for it?¡± ¡°He did¡­but I don¡¯t want to take it. It makes me woozy and sick to my stomach.¡± ¡°Did you tell him about it so he could prescribe you something different to help?¡± ¡°I don¡¯t want to take anything anymore. I¡¯m tired of taking pills.¡± It killed me to hear her say that as I noticed several different sized prescription bottles on her nightstand. Stolen from its rightful place, this narrative is not meant to be on Amazon; report any sightings. ¡°But Mom, if they help you¡­¡± ¡°I¡¯ll be fine. Nothing to worry about.¡± ¡°Where¡¯s Dad?¡± ¡°Where do you think he is?¡± ¡°The park?¡± As she nodded her head to confirm, all I could do was shake mine. I didn¡¯t want to criticize my father. He had a lot on his plate, and my mom lived with Cancer so well that it felt like she never had it, but his absence at this moment bothered me. This was a time he had to be here for her as she needed him now more than ever. If I had not shown up, my mother would have been here alone in a darkened room in a great deal of discomfort. I don¡¯t think my dad disappeared at times like this on purpose, and I¡¯m sure he would have stayed if he had seen her this way, but the problem was my mom was known for not wanting to worry anyone. My father however needed to become more wary after they found lesions on her skull, cancerous or not. After I witnessed my mother in this state, it made me fearful for Anya as I wondered if her husband cheated on her when she was at her healthiest, where would he be if all the stress in her life caught up with her? It just broke my heart to imagine the love of my life in pain like my mother was, left by herself in a darkened room, with no one there for her. The more I believed this to be a glimpse into Anya¡¯s future, the more I realized two showdowns loomed for me; the first between my father and I, and the second between me and Anya¡¯s husband. Love just simply had to be there. Love could not disappear. I would not allow it and this was why I would fight back if he decided to fight her. I stayed for nearly two hours next to my mother¡¯s side as she slept her headache off. When I heard the back door slam which signified my father had just returned home, I quietly left my mother¡¯s room as I took a deep breath to gather myself before I attempted to extricate these thoughts from my head. It wasn¡¯t right for him not to be there, and he had to become skeptical of my mother¡¯s happy faces now. My Dad had been retired for five years, and the park job was just something to keep him busy as he didn¡¯t need the money. I also realized the park was a good thing for him as it kept him in touch with the outside world and made him feel like he was still useful, but my mother needed my father more than the park did. ¡°Hey Dad.¡± I said when I saw him. ¡°Hey.¡± he said tiredly as he hung up his keys on a vacant hook next to his blackboard located on the kitchen wall. ¡°Did you know mom¡¯s not feeling well?¡± I asked. ¡°She told me she had a migraine.¡± he stated. ¡°You know how she always gets those.¡± ¡°You know Dad, they found lesions on her skull. It may not just be a typical migraine.¡± ¡°How is she feeling now?¡± he asked. ¡°I don¡¯t know.¡± I said. ¡°She¡¯s sleeping, but I think she may be feeling a little better.¡± ¡°Well that makes sense because the Doctor said there was no trace of Cancer.¡± ¡°Dad, I think you¡¯re in denial of mom¡¯s illness.¡± I said. ¡°I think we both are.¡± ¡°Your mother is fine Landyn. I would know if she wasn¡¯t.¡± ¡°She always puts on a happy face though because she doesn¡¯t want to burden us. Her mother did the same thing remember? Then three months later¡­she was gone.¡± I said. ¡°Do you really need the park job?¡± ¡°I enjoy working at the park. It gives my life some balance.¡± he said. ¡°I have a lot going on with your grandfather across the street too you know. He¡¯s ninety five now. He''s a chore.¡± ¡°Just know mom needs you too Dad probably more than anybody.¡± I said. ¡°Anyway, I have to go. Please keep an eye out for her. Have a goodnight. I have to go.¡± ¡°I will. Goodnight Son. Be careful.¡± ¡°Thanks.¡± Before I exited, I stood by the back door and heard my father make his way to my mother¡¯s room to check on her, but when I left the house his loud absence remained in my mind. My dad was a good man; he cared for people more than he cared for himself, but for some reason, he didn¡¯t want to face the reality of my mother¡¯s illness. We both didn¡¯t want to face it, but the problem was he needed to face it; he was her husband. My Dad had five other siblings who he could have leaned on to help him out with my grandfather but that was another story altogether. When I left the house, I decided to take a drive along the Palos Verdes Coast to clear my head. All I could think about was my mother in pain inside her room alone. This was just the first night I had witnessed it, but I was certain there were many other nights spent the same way, and it devastated me inside. In the middle of my drive I received an extremely surprising late night text from Anya, and the minute I heard my phone vibrate I found a side road and pulled over. 10:22 p.m. ¡°Hi babe! What r u up to?¡± ME: ¡°I just visited my parents. I¡¯m now taking a drive along the coast of PV. Wish you were here next to me right now. It¡¯s majestic the way the moon is shining on the water. Miss you.¡± ANYA: ¡°R u really? Sounds beautiful! Wish I was w/u too! What are you doing there? Don¡¯t text me back if you are driving. Miss you too.¡± ME: ¡°I pulled over babe. I visited my mom tonight, and she wasn¡¯t feeling well. It was the first time I¡¯ve ever seen her like that. She¡¯s had Cancer twice before, breast and bone, and she¡¯s beaten that, but they found lesions on her skull just recently. Even though her cancer results were negative, her illness is now harder for me to ignore. She¡¯s in obvious pain but she¡¯s not taking her medication. It bummed me out.¡± ANYA: ¡°I¡¯m so sorry babe. Why is she off her meds? R u ok? I¡¯m sorry I can¡¯t be there for you. It¡¯s breaking my heart.¡± ME: ¡°She doesn¡¯t want to take them. She feels like she needs them to live and she¡¯s tired of it. I just hated to see her like that. I just felt so helpless. Anyway I¡¯m okay. I¡¯m just clearing my head. I would love to take you for a ride up here one day. Thanks for texting me. I love you.¡± ANYA: ¡°I love you baby! No matter what I¡¯m always here for you. One day I would love to join u in PV. Maybe we can go up there the next time you take time off?¡± ME: ¡°I¡¯m due for a vacation soon. I think I¡¯ll ask to take one in a week or two so we can make that happen.¡± ANYA: ¡°Sounds good! I love you always!!!¡± ME: ¡°I love you always too. Goodnight.¡± ANYA: ¡°I hope ur ok baby. Goodnight.¡± After I heard from Anya, I felt well enough to end my cruise along the PV coast and to head back home. The very next morning just before I started to get ready for work, Anya texted me. 7:02 a.m. ¡°Good morning! Thought about you all night. I still feel bad about your mom. I lost a friend 2 years ago and she used to put on a happy face for friends. I knew different.¡± 7:04 a.m. ¡°Hope you got some sleep. Today is a new day and it¡¯s going to be a beautiful one. I love you baby.¡± Her texts blew me away. Not that they were any different from others she had sent me, it¡¯s just I¡¯ve never had anyone care about me this way before. This was all foreign to me; the way she loved me, and I probably shouldn¡¯t have been surprised anymore, but I still was. ME: ¡°Thank you for your kind words. Really blown away by them actually. Not used to someone caring about how I feel about anything. I slept okay. I love you with all my heart.¡± ANYA: ¡°You¡¯re my best friend. When you¡¯re sad, I¡¯m sad. I feel what you feel. I love you with all my heart too!¡± ME: ¡°No question you¡¯ve become my best friend. The only person who knows me better than you is me. I feel like we¡¯re one person. I feel better. Just tough to walk in on that last night.¡± ANYA: ¡°Sorry, I was getting ready for Pilates and then a little run to prepare for the mud run the first weekend of May. Thank you for your sweet words. We really are one. I¡¯m glad you¡¯re feeling better. Some things in life are beyond our control and we just have to accept it.¡± ME: ¡°I always think I¡¯m strong enough to carry the weight of the world on my shoulders. I agree. I have to learn to accept some things as out of my control. Thanks again for the kind words. Love you always.¡± ANYA: ¡°I love you always too baby! Maybe you were right. We met to save each other!¡± ME: ¡°Ha! You remembered when I said that to you?¡± ANYA: ¡°I have selective memory! I choose to remember your words! The ¡°thing¡± about the horizon and the sky being jealous is the most memorable. It came from your heart.¡± ME: ¡°What thing?¡± ANYA: ¡°You know¡­the ¡°thing¡±.¡± ME: ¡°Oh that ¡°thing¡± about you being so beautiful the sunset was jealous?¡± ANYA: ¡°Stop it. You¡¯re making me blush over here!¡± ME: ¡°One day you¡¯re going to have to get used to the fact you¡¯re the most beautiful thing in my eyes.¡± ANYA: ¡°Ha! Stop it babe!¡± ME: ¡°That ¡°thing¡± only came from the heart because it was true. Can I see you this week? Are you open at all?¡± ANYA: ¡°I thought you¡¯d never ask! My first preference would be Friday. If Friday doesn¡¯t work I can try on Wednesday, just have to work some stuff out with work.¡± ME: ¡°Either day will work babe. I love you.¡± ANYA: ¡°Perfect! I love you too! I hope you can meet me down south the first weekend in May. We¡¯re staying at the Sea and Strand Hotel for a spa getaway in Laguna Beach. Have to play it cool though.¡± I thought I had misread her text when I received it and had to do a double take. It brought me back to the time I wondered why she hadn¡¯t looked at her schedule yet here she was, scheduling things for us without my cognizance, in an act of showing me and not just telling me, as once again she loved me without my knowledge of its receipt. ME: ¡°I wouldn¡¯t miss it for the world.¡± During this time Anya seemed to open her life up to me more than ever before as we both gave and took. It all truly began when she opened up to me about her mother in law¡¯s biased opinion as to how her son¡¯s infidelities should affect her. I then opened up to Anya about my mother¡¯s cancer as were both finding out we were real people with nothing perfect in our lives but what we felt for each other. When Anya told me she would rather die than never have me in her life, I trusted that, but now it felt those words had real meaning as I began to see and feel it every day. 4:50 p.m. ¡°How¡¯s my BFF? On my way to Andrew¡¯s baseball game. Missing u.¡± ME: ¡°I¡¯m having a great day. Are you still my best friend forever? Your BFF is missing you too.¡± ANYA: ¡°Yes I am baby! Glad you¡¯re having a great day! Better go, game is starting. Go D-Backs! I love you Landyn!!!!¡± When we first met she referred to me as ¡°L¡± and now four months later I received full first name recognition as it marked the first time she ever used my full name in a text message; another sign she was starting to open up more than ever as she appeared to be far less fearful. She even texted me after her son¡¯s game that night. ANYA: ¡°We won! He over pitched so he can¡¯t pitch at the next game. I don¡¯t understand all the rules. What are you doing?¡± ME: ¡°Happy to hear the D-Backs won! That rule is kind of lame, but they only allow a pitcher a certain amount of innings. It supposedly helps make the league more competitive so the best pitcher in the league can¡¯t pitch every game which gives other teams a chance to win or other players a chance to play. Goes to show you how good Andrew did though! How are you?¡± ANYA: ¡°Oh I see! I guess our coach got excited and lost track! I¡¯m fine baby. Waiting to pick up Katie at ballet practice and then dinner. I guess I¡¯ll say goodnight. Love u, miss u!¡± It broke my heart to see her run the kids around by herself in the dark. It was nearly nine p.m. and I knew from my Dad¡¯s days at the park it wasn¡¯t the safest place to be at night. She lived in a fairly nice neighborhood I was certain, but every city had its bad parts. I wanted to drive down to her area to just look out over her in case anything happened, but I lived nearly a half hour away and it was likely she would already be gone by the time I got there; however I kept the idea alive for the next time. The way she communicated with me on this day really gave me a sense of purpose in her life. It was clear she wanted me to be a part of it, and she wanted me to know about her kids and her life. She also now believed like I did, that we met to save each other as I felt there really could be no other explanation for us meeting. We shared a connection not too many people truly shared with each other. We were not bound by money or status, but by love. If the situation was different and she was single, I believe the bond would have been that much stronger as we had to hold back because of the situation. The scary thing was though; we hadn¡¯t even begun to touch the surface of our love for each other. I know I needed to save her from the fa?ade of her unhappiness regardless of the pain I may feel. Life was simply too short to be spent unhappily, and this woman more than anyone I knew, including myself, deserved to be happy in this life. The more she opened up, the more she shared her daily life with me; the more hope I had. The closer she allowed me to her, the more comfortable I felt in initiating texts again. ME: ¡°How¡¯s my BFF doing? I hope I¡¯m still your BFF!¡± ANYA: ¡°Ur so my BFF!!! Xoxo!!!¡± ME: ¡°I can¡¯t wait to see you again. What r u up to? Xoxo!!!¡± ANYA: ¡°Me too!!! 3 more days baby!!! Just left a meeting. Going to help my girlfriend move out of her house. House is on the market now. It hasn¡¯t been easy for her. Text me later baby! I love u!¡± Whenever I initiated texts it always seemed I caught her at a bad time. When she signed off for the time being, I started to feel her negative energy, like a solar flare hitting the earth that scrambled communication lines. I began to fear she would see her friend¡¯s divorce and struggle as another con; an unlisted con at the moment, but one soon to be born. I was saddened to hear her friend¡¯s divorce had been difficult on her, but I knew it would get better over time. The one thing I noticed about Anya was she seemed to live in the moment too much, as if the present equaled the future. It was something I subtly learned about my BFF over the last four months and it was enough to discourage me at times but now that I sensed it, I could at least utilize a proactive approach. I waited a few hours before I texted her again to give her some time alone with her friend. 3:28 p.m. ¡°OMG! I was just going to text you when urs came in! Scared me! How r u? I miss and love my BFF too!!!¡± ME: ¡°How are you Sweetheart? How¡¯s your friend holding up?¡± ANYA: ¡°I¡¯m fine. My friend seems happy today. She¡¯s all moved into her new apartment. She left her beautiful home of 10 years. I guess her ex is doing the same. It was an eye opening experience for me. She was in good spirits.¡± ME: ¡°That¡¯s a huge step for her and not an easy one to take. It may be hard for your friend in the short run, but she is going to be very happy in the long run. How is her son doing?¡± ANYA: ¡°She is already happy! She said she wouldn¡¯t trade it because she is free and much happier. She said the one thing that scares her the most is to meet another jerk and make the same mistake again. Her son seems to be handling it well. I¡¯m envious.¡± ME: ¡°I wish her the best and I think she¡¯s too smart to make the same mistake again. I¡¯m sure she can call them from a mile away now. She might feel sad somewhat, but its temporary and she will get used to her new surroundings over time and be very happy she made a change in her life. Happy to hear her son is doing well.¡± ANYA: ¡°You¡¯re right. She is now very aware! Yes temporary, but I don¡¯t think that she¡¯s unhappy about moving into the apartment. When you¡¯re happy it doesn¡¯t matter where you are.¡± I nearly teared up at her positive thoughts. I was certain Anya lived in a large house much like her friend did, and she knew I lived in a small apartment at the moment, but she hit the nail right on the head; ¡°When you¡¯re happy it doesn¡¯t matter where you are.¡±, and no truer words had ever been spoken. It sounds crazy but regardless of how motivated I was to be successful in this world, if I had Anya in my life, I would have been content to live in my small apartment with her for the rest of it. As crazy as it seemed to feel that way I now knew true love just worked that way. After I talked to her I was full of hope a transition like this would be met with a good spirit and the right outlook, and when our conversation ended, I felt relieved I had nipped this potential conversation right in the bud. Later that evening, filled with more hope than ever, I text her again to see what my BFF was up to. ANYA: ¡°Making dinner. U?¡± ME: ¡°Just thinking of you. I bet it¡¯s delish! Would love to taste your cooking one day. I would love to learn how to cook and return the favor too.¡± ANYA: ¡°Would love to cook for you one day! It would be my pleasure! Cooking for a vegetarian is easy! Basically veges, grains and legumes.¡± ME: ¡°I would love to prepare a meal for you one day. I would probably have to figure out what a legume is first but would love to do it!¡± Just as I sent that text, I received an incoming phone call from my boss, Clyde. For the record, Clyde had never called me after work in all my years with the firm let alone place a call to me this late. ¡°Hi Clyde.¡± ¡°Hi Landyn. I need to see you first thing tomorrow morning. Eight-thirty sharp.¡± ¡°Yes sir, I¡¯ll come see you first thing.¡± ¡°Okay. See you tomorrow.¡± It was a short phone conversation and one that worried me greatly as I realized how much life could change in an instant. After a day of absolute positivity, I should have known things were too good to be true. As I thought about the mistakes I possibly made on the rock quarry inventory observation two weeks ago, the pain of Tenerife returned and now possibly along with it, the end of my hopes, wishes and dreams for Anya and I. CHAPTER 19 ~ TO GRASP A FACADE ¡°The most important thing is to enjoy your life ¨C to be happy ¨C it¡¯s all that matters¡± ~ Audrey Hepburn When I planned on putting in for some time off, I had no idea my vacation could be a permanent one, as an early morning meeting with KSR¡¯s founder, Clyde Kirchner awaited me. I didn¡¯t mention anything to Anya about it before we signed off the previous night as this was just something I had to face on my own, but a lion now stood on my way to the peak of the highest mountain I had ever scaled professionally. Things were going so well, it made all the sense the world could muster after contentment replaced melancholy over the last four months of my life that my hopes, wishes and dreams would end in this fashion. All I could truly do was prepare for the worst and hoped the worst would be survivable. I tossed and turned all night unable to sleep soundly until my alarm clock wailed which signified the impetus of my soon to be dreadful day. I showered an hour earlier than usual which meant I was outside my office building an hour early also. I stayed in my car up to a few minutes before my meeting and tried to think of backup plans until I realized I had no backup plans, that this was it. Without the partnership, I would have to let Anya go as it wouldn¡¯t be fair to her and her kids to be with a failure in life. It would be clear I couldn¡¯t save myself let alone another human being even as precious as she was to me. The cold realization that things just weren¡¯t meant to be for me no matter how much I believed they were fed my negative appetite, and after I cursed a God I wasn¡¯t even sure existed, I made my nervous trek to my only hope of salvation and grace, Clyde¡¯s office. When I arrived, Clyde was seated at his desk and quickly rose when he saw me at his doorway. He was sharply dressed in a dark suit, one I had only seen him wear at client meetings, and one he also probably wore at funerals. When I noticed his attire I figured he believed this was important enough to dress up for which made me feel even less comfortable which added to my anxiety. He then nodded for me to close the door and extended his hand outward with his palm up as to motion me to have a seat, in which I slowly obliged. I took a deep breath quietly and wiped the sweat from my forehead as I felt nearly faint from the stress of the moment. ¡°Mr. Lastman. Landyn Lastman.¡± he said calmly. ¡°How are you this morning?¡± ¡°I¡¯m okay Mr. Kirchner.¡± I replied nervously as I tried to focus on my breathing. ¡°How are you this morning?¡± ¡°I¡¯m excellent.¡± he said. ¡°Thanks for coming in on short notice. I have a few things I need to go over with you.¡± ¡°Certainly.¡± I responded. ¡°Through Jackson Caiaphas I¡¯ve received three new leads for potential clients.¡± he informed me as he slid them to me on his desk. ¡°Actually they appear to be slam dunks for us. I would like for you to handle them.¡± ¡°Okay. Thank you.¡± I replied confused. ¡°Do you really feel I¡¯m ready to take on my own accounts though?¡± ¡°Absolutely Landyn. In fact, Mr. Caiaphas asked for ¡°Landman¡± to handle them personally.¡± ¡°Landman.¡± I laughed with trepidation. ¡°Why not Kevin though? He has a real working relationship with CPG and Mr. Caiaphas. I don¡¯t understand.¡± ¡°You know Landyn, Kevin is a great accountant. He¡¯s probably the best certified public accountant we have and he may be the best in the entire state of California.¡± ¡°I agree.¡± ¡°But I feel he lacks some people skills necessary to be a rainmaker for the firm. There¡¯s an ¡°It¡± factor that comes into play, an outside the box thought process he doesn¡¯t quite have¡­but you do.¡± ¡°Mr. Kirchner, I appreciate what you¡¯re saying but¡­¡± ¡°But nothing Landyn. Your presentation to Jackson Caiaphas was so huge for the firm it¡¯s literally impossible to quantify. Over the last six months alone revenue has doubled from what it was last year at this time and it¡¯s solely attributable to the addition of the CPG account. To be frank this wouldn¡¯t have happened without you, and I want to reward you for it because I don¡¯t want to lose you. You are greatly appreciated here. So here¡­¡± he said as he glided a piece of paper towards me along with a pen. "I don''t know what to say. Thank you." I said humbled by his compliments. "What is this though?" ¡°This here is a non-disclosure agreement.¡± he said. ¡°Although we cannot make it official until the end of the year, we here at KSR are pleased to offer you an equity partnership in our firm beginning July first, two thousand and nine. Your base salary will be two hundred and fifty thousand dollars per year however you will additionally have a thirty-three percent share of net profits each year. Although your position wouldn¡¯t be effective until fourteen months from now, if you¡¯re interested in this opportunity, it¡¯s all yours and we would be lucky to have you.¡± Time stood still as I felt lost in a dream, and even though I had roughly an hour of sleep the night before, I suddenly felt like I had gotten ten straight hours of REM sleep. It was like being on the game show ¡°Who Wants to Be a Millionaire¡±, got to the million dollar question and then knew the answer to it. I was so stunned I had no idea what to say as it felt like I almost declined the offer in my silence as adrenaline suddenly mixed in with my fatigue. ¡°It would be an honor Mr. Kirchner.¡± I finally replied. ¡°To be honest. I can¡¯t believe it. I can¡¯t thank you enough. What do I need to do?¡± ¡°Well¡­believe it and no; thank you Landyn. We appreciate all you¡¯ve done for us. You¡¯ve helped with our growth tremendously. Just for now please sign the non-disclosure agreement. We will draft the partnership agreement and have you come in and sign it at the end June. We only ask that you tell no one about this until after the year-end meeting when we announce it formally to the firm.¡± he said sternly. ¡°No one can know Landyn. Not even family or friends. It¡¯s very sensitive information. You cannot tell a soul.¡± ¡°I understand. You have my word.¡± I confirmed. After he congratulated me as I signed the non-disclosure agreement and then handed me a hearty handshake, I was still in a cloud not sure if this had just occurred as I began to breathe normally. I was ecstatic, exhilarated, and overwhelmed as all the hours, all the travel, all the personal sacrifices I had made were formally recognized, but a minute later after I reached my office, I became apprehensive as I realized my joy came at the expense of a good friend, and even worst yet, I had to pretend I knew nothing about it to him. Even though KSR put me in a tough position, I realized they did so because the firm feared they could lose me. The truth was I¡¯ve been less visible the last four months due to my relationship with Anya even though I had probably never worked harder for them, but it may have given them the perception I had an opportunity elsewhere since the public accounting profession in general had a high turnover rate. Even though I had secured the partnership, I also realized nothing was granted in stone. I sadly couldn¡¯t tell Anya about it and it was even more frustrating to know I couldn¡¯t ask for her to leave her husband because my salary wouldn¡¯t change until next year. Even though I couldn¡¯t push her, it was good to know there was more hope than ever for us, and I would easily be able to take care of her and her kids if I had to. I believed if Anya¡¯s husband was suspicious, he probably thought I was looking to benefit from his money if she left him. I respected the fact that his money belonged to him and his family. I respected the fact he worked hard to build a business and I wasn¡¯t looking for any of the fruits of his hard work, blood, sweat and tears, regardless of how emotionally abusive I felt he was towards his wife. I had my own means to income, and I had too much pride. I didn¡¯t want a thing from him. I didn¡¯t need a thing from him. All I wanted from him was to make things right for the woman he supposedly loved. If she was to get half of what was his, that was not my business and I would reject every and any cent from Anya, as that money only belonged to three people; Anya, Katie and Andrew. I wanted to only supplement that income as it was not mine to take from. I felt if her husband was so willing to lose an arm if he could change things, he should have no problem only losing half of the money his wife deserved for her pain and suffering. Our relationship wasn¡¯t about a wife¡¯s revenge nor was it about sex; it was only about love so why not just let her have what he had taken from her? I just felt a husband who cheated on his wife once let alone multiple times knowing full well he could lose half of all he owns is either the greatest fool or the most arrogant human being on the planet, and I believed in her husband¡¯s case it was more of the latter. Before I left Clyde¡¯s office, I asked him for a week¡¯s vacation and he didn¡¯t hesitate to grant it to me. He thanked me again then handed me the contact information of the three new referrals he had received from Mr. Caiaphas. Even though I was a little disheartened by the ¡°Landman¡± reference I at least felt I made a pretty good impression on him if he wanted me to have those accounts. Later that morning, easily the greatest of my life, Anya text me. 10:42 a.m. ¡°FYI, I decided to resign from the House of Hope today. They said they would take me back w/open arms should I ever decide to go back.¡± When Anya sent me this random text, I wanted so badly to share the good news with her but was gagged by the non-disclosure agreement as there was no way I could risk losing the partnership because I would lose her as well. Anya continued to open up to me more about her daily life. I knew she belonged to organizations, and I even met the gentleman at Paseo¡¯s who ran the House of Hope, but now she shared with me the details about them which helped me to understand some of the reasons why I couldn¡¯t see her as much as I wanted to. ME: ¡°Why did you resign?¡± ANYA: ¡°The bi-monthly meetings consist of lots of eating and drinking! There are other philanthropic opportunities. I¡¯ve been wanting to make a change for a long time. I want to be more hands on so I decided to join the Special Olympics.¡± ME: ¡°I¡¯m really impressed. I¡¯ve always wanted to do something like that, but have never found the time. I really admire you for doing something like that.¡± ANYA: ¡°Why? It¡¯s not a big deal. Just a volunteer babe. I just thought I should get involved where I can actually make a difference giving hugs and kisses to those kids.¡± ME: ¡°I think it takes a very special person to do that.¡± ANYA: ¡°Not that special, just thankful that I can. The House of Hope was more of a social climbing atmosphere with raising money for the cause. I want to simplify. I¡¯ll be starting at the bottom with the Special Olympics but I don¡¯t care. They are holding an Olympic the 2nd weekend in June. I just hope I can get in so I can help in June before the crazy dance rehearsals and recitals start for Katie.¡± ME: ¡°Well, I think what you¡¯re doing is really fantastic. Just be careful at the Special Olympics. One of those kids you could be helping may turn out to be our friend, Mitch.¡± ANYA: ¡°Funny! He can enroll as an adult! They¡¯ll understand the delay. Age is irrelevant. Don¡¯t know if I would give him a hug at the finish line though.¡± Any chance I got to squeeze in a dig at Mitch, I had to do it. After learning she gave her time to such organizations, I felt inspired to do the same, and it made her more beautiful to me, if that was even possible. I appreciated the humility in human beings who gave their time to people less fortunate than them. I ventured to guess she probably also used it as a way to distance herself from her husband, but there were other options available to her; She didn¡¯t have to choose the volunteer route. I texted her later that afternoon to see how she was doing and to tell her how highly I thought of her philanthropy. ANYA: ¡°Thank u baby. I think very highly of u too. Fell in love with that conscious mind and kind heart of yours. I saw something very special in you! Day is going great! Baseball game tonight. Miss u, love u!¡± After I received her text, I perceived she seemed pretty busy, so I text her back telling her I missed her and loved her too. She then sent me a text a few hours later that evening. ANYA: ¡°Hi! What¡¯s happening? Getting our butts kicked!¡± ME: ¡°I¡¯m good. Just got home from work but getting ready to hit the gym. Sorry to hear the D-backs are losing. What place are they in?¡± ANYA: ¡°Actually Andrew just hit a triple and drove in 3 runs so we¡¯re tied now! They¡¯re in 2nd place. He wants to pitch but he¡¯s not allowed. Glad you get to work out tonight!¡± ME: ¡°Do you have to get Katie from ballet after the game tonight?¡± ANYA: ¡°No baby. Cooking. Have a good workout tonight! I miss you. I have to tell you about my Spa weekend. Carolyn and Debbie read me my rights today.¡± The day seemed to just get better and better as after I secured the firm¡¯s partnership, I also had something fun to look forward to during the first weekend in May. I didn¡¯t believe spending a night together was feasible simply because Anya was with her friends as I was sure they booked a room together. I was just grateful I¡¯d be able to spend some time with her in a totally different setting, one she felt comfortable with. That evening I decided to stay home from the gym because I really wanted to talk about that weekend more than anything else, so I reached out to her via text. ME: ¡°Who won the game tonight?¡± ANYA: ¡°We won, 11 to 9!¡± ME: ¡°That¡¯s great! Nice comeback win! Happy for Andrew and the team. Did you need to talk with me about the rules they set for your getaway weekend? ANYA: ¡°They just told me I have to spend time w/them and not only u. It¡¯s a ¡°Girl¡¯s Weekend¡± so I have to hang w/them most of the time. Don¡¯t worry, they adore u! They just want me to spend time w/them and not ditch them.¡± ME: ¡°Haha! They should know by now any time I get to spend with you I¡¯m good with. I know you want to see me. I totally understand and respect the rules.¡± ANYA: ¡°Thank you for understanding. I do want to see you. We just have to get together after I have dinner with them.¡± ME: ¡°Fair enough. Do you know what the plans are?¡± ANYA: ¡°Ur the best! All I know is Carolyn is making dinner reservations and our spa day is Saturday. I¡¯m driving down on Friday the first. Maybe I can stop by your place before my way down?¡± ME: ¡°I would love to see you if you¡¯re up for it.¡± ANYA: ¡°Would love to see you too. If you don¡¯t mind, please keep Friday and Saturday night open for us. Sorry to be vague but I kind of have to go with the flow. Maybe we can walk on the beach if not too cold.¡± ME: ¡°Oh both of my nights will be open for sure! I would love that!¡± I thought their rules were fair, funny and cute. This really was a trip for them, not for Anya and I, and even though I was a little bummed just because I rarely saw her, I also knew I was fortunate to get a chance to see her more than I usually did. Early the following morning, Anya text me to set up our meeting time for her visit. 7:42 a.m. ¡°Excited about tomorrow! 12:00?¡± ME: ¡°I¡¯m excited too! 12 works! What r u up to today?¡± ANYA: ¡°Working today. Big changes at work! All good! Xoxo!!!¡± ME: ¡°Sounds good! Have a nice day Beautiful! Xoxo!!!¡± ANYA: ¡°Babe?¡± ME: ¡°Yes?¡± ANYA: ¡°Can u meet at 11:30? That way we can have more time before I have to leave. No worries if u can¡¯t.¡± ME: ¡°I just love the way you think! 11:30 it tis!¡± ANYA: ¡°I just love you!¡± ME: ¡°Well, you¡¯re in luck because I just love you too! Xoxoxoxoxoxo! ANYA: ¡°Ha! Chat later! Xxxxxxxxxxooooooooo!!!¡± As I left the house for work that morning, I thought to myself there was no way life could possibly be better than this. My career was set to take off. I was deeply in love with the greatest gift I had ever received. All I ever believed in and all I ever trusted in had manifested itself. I was not just in a better world, but a utopian galaxy, one that only could be written by the creator of the constellations. The life I had dreamt of, the life I worked so hard for was on the verge of fruition, and it forced me to recognize the old sour, sad Landyn Lastman who always walked with his head downward, beaten down by the life he knew before Anya, had died. 1:00 p.m. ¡°Hey crazy!¡± ME: ¡°Haha! How is the one I¡¯m crazy for doing today?¡± ANYA: ¡°I¡¯m fine baby! I get to kiss you in less than 24 hours!!! Just waiting to pick up the kids, early day. How r u?¡± ME: ¡°Never better babe. Just missing you very much!¡± ANYA: ¡°I miss you very much too! Can¡¯t wait!¡± ME: ¡°Me too! Nothing like the feeling of true love. It¡¯s crazy.¡± ANYA: ¡°I know babe! It¡¯s true! It¡¯s the best! Sooo excited to see you tomorrow! I can almost taste it!¡± In all my years I never thought I would meet someone who believed in true love like I did yet it took the most crushing of all heartbreaks for Anya to believe it existed. My love had grown exponentially since we reconnected in November, and the more I learned, the more I fell in love with not only her, but her kids and the way she carried herself. To me, she was the most extraordinary woman and human being to ever walk into my life. She was smart, funny, fun, hard-working, responsible, independent and caring as all these characteristics she exhibited added up to the ideal woman for me. I felt she really improved me as a person as she gave me the focus of a future I never truly saw clearly with anyone and she helped me to rediscover my drive again so I could pursue it with zest. Most importantly she made me realize a wonderful life was in store for me as it had been over twenty years since I truly appreciated life. I truly believed no one else existed could ever captivate and inspire me more than Anya, and for that I truly admired her, as at this point, I leaned on her love more than ever because I trusted it was real. When she arrived at my apartment, we both lost control as the passion, the missing, the longing, and the severe need for each other took over. Like thrashing sharks, we devoured each other as I held her gently in my arms while we rolled back and forth from one side of my bed to the other aided by the strongest form of love I had ever known. She then looked at me with all the love in the universe, her eyes like stars bringing warmth and life to my soul and started to tug down my boxer briefs. I then assisted her and moved her body upwards slightly to mine to remove the last piece of her clothing. As our completely naked bodies touched for the first time, I looked into her eyes for assurance, and she met mine followed by the whispered words ¡°it¡¯s ok¡± as she guided me inside of her. As her eyes closed and she began to moan, I remembered all the previous times when the passion was at its peak, when she told me she wanted to feel me so badly and when she asked me if we would ever make love. I knew it would happen when it was meant to happen; when love rightfully took the wheel. Now as the moment arrived it felt incredibly right, like it happened many times before, as natural as the sun rising in the morning and setting in the evening, and I was lost in the most beautiful sensation imaginable, one that belonged only to us. Then as suddenly as it happened, I was overcome by a consciousness, one that told me there would be a price to pay emotionally, a price I had forgotten completely about, a fee we both would pay dearly for, and that was when I stopped as I bowed to my awareness of this potential pain. I could then see the disappointment in her eyes when they opened, and when I decided to love her again once more in response, she fended me off and said the following words. ¡°I can¡¯t do it.¡± I didn¡¯t know what to tell her. I didn¡¯t know even if I did how I would as I expected some kind of backlash, but instead she came into my arms, buried her beautiful face into my chest, kissed it and softly whimpered. Her reaction made me realize as much as I believed the moment to be ideal, it was far from the ideal moment. ¡°I¡¯m sorry Beautiful. That¡¯s all on me.¡± I said as I held her tightly in my arms. ¡°It¡¯s ok.¡± she sniffled. ¡°Why did you stop?¡± ¡°I just¡­it¡¯s been a long time for me. I guess it scared me because it felt so good, and it felt too right¡­if that makes any sense. I got afraid of my own emotions. I got fearful for you too.¡± I explained. ¡°I hope I didn¡¯t make you feel uncomfortable by trying to rekindle the feeling.¡± ¡°I just got confused babe.¡± she replied, her soft voice cracking. ¡°I didn¡¯t know if I was supposed to enjoy the moment or to feel guilty by it.¡± "I''ll take the blame for you feeling that way Sweetheart." I said as I kissed her on the top of her head. "I have to be more sensitive and mindful of your emotions when you have two innocent people and a wary husband at home who I don''t think would waste a minute to throw you under the bus to your children if he got the chance to. I love you." ¡°I love you so much.¡± I then gently brought her face upwards so my lips could meet hers. ¡°I don¡¯t want you to ever think that we have to do this to keep me interested. I love you for who you are and this is a bonus when it happens. We¡¯re not about this and we can¡¯t be because if we are our relationship will not stand the test of time.¡± ¡°God Landyn¡± she whispered as she kissed me. ¡°You always say the sweetest things to me. You know, I would be in love with you even if you had a wooden leg.¡± ¡°What? You wood?¡± I joked. ¡°I mean, you would?¡± ¡°Yes! Even if you had two of them I probably still would!¡± ¡°If we were ever on a cruise together and the ship goes down, I would have you know wooden legs make fabulous floatation devices.¡± I rambled. ¡°Just please don¡¯t pull a Rose and sink me to the bottom of the ocean like she did to Jack in the movie ¡°Titanic¡±.¡± ¡°Haha! Now I wish you had wooden legs!¡± ¡°See the benefits?¡± I laughed. ¡°You know now that we¡¯re on the subject, I think I would be in love with you even if you were a vegetable.¡± This story originates from a different website. Ensure the author gets the support they deserve by reading it there. ¡°Oh no!¡± she laughed. ¡°Seriously, I would. I¡¯d walk you around in your wheelchair, wipe the drool off your face, give you kisses after every time I did. Yeah, I¡¯d totally do that.¡± ¡°I don¡¯t know about that babe!¡± ¡°Well, I would as long as you were a somewhat functioning vegetable. I don¡¯t think I could ever let go of you because of all we shared together. Now if you were better off dead, and I needed to pull the plug out of love for your quality of life then that would be selfish of me to keep you around.¡± ¡°Haha! You¡¯re too much. Just pull the plug if I¡¯m in a vegetative state. Please pull the plug. Very sweet of you though. I love you baby.¡± she said as she kissed me softly. ¡°I love you too.¡± I told her. ¡°Can I ask you a question.¡± ¡°Sure.¡± ¡°What does Carolyn and Debbie know about your marriage? Do they know anything?¡± ¡°They just know I¡¯m not in love with him anymore because he has hurt me many times.¡± she said. ¡°They love you, but they are a little afraid to get close to you because they don¡¯t know what¡¯s going to happen.¡± ¡°I understand.¡± ¡°If we were together though I don¡¯t think I¡¯d hang out with them as much.¡± she said. ¡°I¡¯d want to spend all the time I could with you.¡± ¡°Well, I think that¡¯s great, and I¡¯d want to spend all the time I could with you too, but I think you need your friends. I wouldn¡¯t want you to lose them because of me. They would always be welcome in our home if we were together. It would be fun to hang out with them too.¡± ¡°I don¡¯t know why I¡¯m telling you this and it¡¯s so random, but I was at the Andrew¡¯s baseball game yesterday and I noticed his coach who¡¯s Italian and his Japanese wife have the cutest little girl.¡± she revealed. ¡°Oh really? How old is she?¡± ¡°She¡¯s three.¡± she answered. ¡°It made me think of us and I had to tell myself ¡°no, don¡¯t even think about it¡±!¡± I laughed at her observation, but it was such a beautiful thought. Although I knew it was more of an attempt to get me to smile more than there was any hint of seriousness in it, the thought alone showed how far we had come, but just as soon as she talked of the moon and the stars, she started to turn wayward toward a black hole. ¡°My son, Andrew told me something this week that was pretty hard on me.¡± ¡°What did he tell you?¡± ¡°He told me he would be upset if I got a divorce because he wouldn¡¯t be able to hang out with me as much or when he wanted to.¡± As hard as that was for her to hear, it was almost as equally difficult for me to hear. I didn¡¯t know what to say, it broke my heart too as all I could do was listen and store it in my memory. ¡°I find myself looking for something to grasp onto in order to let us go, and I get discouraged.¡± she informed me. ¡°Anything will set me off, but then¡­I¡¯m back in love with you.¡± ¡°I can feel that sometimes.¡± ¡°You do?¡± ¡°Oh yeah.¡± I revealed. ¡°On days I don¡¯t hear from you especially. Those days usually start off low, but then you hit me with something that makes me feel how much you love me.¡± ¡°My parents have been married for forty-two years.¡± ¡°That¡¯s beautiful.¡± ¡°They almost divorced but managed to stay together.¡± she said. ¡°I was raised in a Christian family.¡± ¡°Why did they almost divorce?¡± I asked. ¡°If I may ask.¡± ¡°My dad had a gambling problem.¡± she stated. ¡°My aunt gave him a gas station to run and all he did was run it into the ground. Lost everything, and then cheated on my mom. It caused my mother a lot of pain, a lot of grief. As time passed though she got over it and they worked things out.¡± ¡°I¡¯m glad to hear they did. It sounds like your dad just made a mistake when he was down on his luck. Nobody thinks clearly when they hit rock bottom.¡± I said. ¡°Do you have any siblings?¡± ¡°I have two brothers, I¡¯m the middle child.¡± ¡°Very cool. Are you a Christian too?¡± I asked. ¡°It¡¯s hard not to be when you were raised as one, but I also practice the Jewish faith.¡± ¡°Is your husband Jewish?¡± ¡°Yes.¡± ¡°I see.¡± I didn¡¯t know what to think about that as there seemed to be two different set of major ideals there. I was especially baffled to learn her Christian mother was on board especially when she knew of his infidelities, but even though something seemed amiss to me I had no right to judge. As I held her in my arms, still dispirited by what her son told her, I felt I had to better comprehend how it affected her before she went home. ¡°Why did Andrew tell you the things he did about divorcing? How did that come up?¡± ¡°He¡¯s friends with the son of my friend who just got divorced.¡± she explained. ¡°He was worried.¡± ¡°Oh, I see.¡± I said. ¡°Do you think your husband will ever divorce you?¡± ¡°I don¡¯t think so.¡± she said. ¡°He says I¡¯m ¡°unique¡± and he can¡¯t see himself with anyone else.¡± ¡°You¡¯re kidding me right? He said that?¡± ¡°Yep.¡± ¡°Well, he¡¯s definitely right about you being unique.¡± I concurred. ¡°We definitely see eye to eye on that although for different reasons.¡± She was unique to him alright. I mean, what woman would still be with a man who had cheated on her multiple times? He can¡¯t see himself with someone else? Hasn¡¯t he already proven that he could several times already? The things that came out of this man¡¯s mouth just made me sick, but what could I expect when I considered he was thirty years old and dated Anya when she was only nineteen. It wasn¡¯t about the age difference either because if he was forty and she was twenty-nine, I thought that seemed fine these days, but she was still an impressionable teenager easily manipulated at that age especially if he was pretty well off. He probably knew all he had to do was throw some money her way and she would be his, especially when I considered the certainty Anya¡¯s Korean culture placed an emphasis on money. Her husband was a business owner, a salesman, and clearly superb at selling if he kept her around all these years even after his heinous acts of adultery. I trusted and knew Anya wasn¡¯t buying anymore and I certainly wasn¡¯t sold on anything he had to say because of all I learned through her. I was also certain he didn¡¯t want to see himself with anyone else too especially now that he could lose half of all he¡¯s worked for, however I was already convinced her husband played with a short deck when he cheated on this beautiful person and his family one time let alone all the times he chose to do so. ¡°I don¡¯t trust him. Not after all the times he¡¯s hurt me.¡± she said to me. ¡°But if a divorce happens it will have to be initiated by you?¡± ¡°Probably.¡± ¡°His plan is clearly to make you out to be the bad guy. That¡¯s a shame considering all he¡¯s done.¡± I reasoned. ¡°You know babe, if you¡¯re grasping for anything to let us go¡­am I really doing you any favors?¡± ¡°What do you mean?¡± ¡°I mean¡­if your husband won¡¯t allow you to be happy, why did you allow me in your life?¡± ¡°I couldn¡¯t help it.¡± she said. ¡°I love you.¡± Her words ¡°I couldn¡¯t help it¡± broke my heart into pieces, as I realized why I had to fight for her. As much as she grasped for things to let us go so she wouldn¡¯t disappoint her son, I also couldn¡¯t let her ignore all she felt for herself and why she felt it. The last thing I wanted was for her to break the heart of her son, and I¡¯d rather she broke mine over his any day of the week, but I strongly believed Anya needed to listen to herself through me. Her marriage was a lie, and she couldn¡¯t go about pretending it didn¡¯t exist because I felt in the long run, all the stress and all the unhappiness, would cut her life short. I just needed some time to make this sound right to her and to feel she was not breaking the heart of her son, but rather teaching him what the most important thing in this world was and that life was too short to be spent without it. I felt this could work out better than she thought, and I refused to give her anything to grasp because I couldn¡¯t help it as well; I was in her life now and I loved her too much. If she stayed in her marriage she was going to die a slow life, and I knew too much about her pain, her struggle, and where her true happiness lied to just let her grasp at anything in an attempt to catch nothing but a cold wind. ¡°I got my vacation time set so if you still want to, we can hang out in Palos Verdes during that week.¡± ¡°I would love too!¡± she responded excitedly. ¡°I also wanted to share with you Sweetheart that I¡¯ve been working on somewhat of an essay about our situation.¡± I informed. ¡°I would like to present it to you if I could when we go to PV.¡± ¡°Really? What kind of essay?¡± ¡°It¡¯s just a collection of what I believe to be objective thoughts, nothing more than that. I just put it in essay form so I would remember the points and it¡¯s more organized. It contains articles I¡¯ve googled and read to support my thoughts. It¡¯s nothing to worry about. I just want to talk to you about some of the issues we¡¯re facing together and hopefully it will help ease your mind a little bit. Is that okay?¡± ¡°Objective fact gathering? I may need a copy! I look forward to hearing it!¡± she announced. ¡°I love you babe.¡± ¡°I love you too.¡± When she left my apartment and after I blew out the candle I lit for us in my room, I got lost in the deepness of our conversation. After the affection we shared, her admissions caught me off guard. I appreciated Anya¡¯s honesty as it was important for me to hear what she was going through and all that was on her mind. I wanted to be there for her, but her visit left me a little discouraged. I didn¡¯t want to jump to conclusions, and when she told me she couldn¡¯t help things, it broke my heart, but was there any more evidence she needed for leaving her husband than not being able to help it? A person also can¡¯t help jumping out off the tracks when a train is heading his or her way too. Her reaction, her not being able to help it, meant she was trying to survive. She was trying to live and I was not going to let her grasp on to something that would more than likely leave her to die. She was my ecosystem as much as I was hers, and as disheartened I was, what she told me today made me realize I had to strap my boots on because I had some work to do in order to save her from her true nightmare, and it wasn¡¯t her kids hating her if she divorced him. Her greatest nightmare rested in her continuing to further ignore herself. I never went back into the office that afternoon. I just couldn¡¯t concentrate well enough to work efficiently as all these thoughts weighed me down. A few hours later though I believed Anya sensed something was amiss and texted me. 4:33 p.m. ¡°R u there?¡± ME: ¡°I¡¯m here.¡± ANYA: ¡°How r u feeling?¡± ME: ¡°I¡¯m ok. How r u feeling?¡± ANYA: ¡°I¡¯m ok. Don¡¯t exactly know how to feel. I think I¡¯m more in love b/c of the way you handled it. You were so understanding.¡± ME: ¡°Why wouldn¡¯t I be Sweetheart? That was a tough moment for you. I¡¯m kind of glad it happened.¡± ANYA: ¡°Ur glad it happened? It wasn¡¯t ideal. I feel bad and can¡¯t help it. I¡¯m glad you held me b/c I needed that. I love you so much I could cry!¡± ME: ¡°It wasn¡¯t ideal, but I¡¯m glad it happened the way it did only because I believe it brought us closer. We shared a special moment together through it, and I love you so much I could cry too. It just felt incredible to feel you.¡± ANYA: ¡°It was incredible to feel you too. Today was a test for me. I¡¯m in love with you more than ever! I¡¯ve never felt this way before about anybody. I loved your tender hugs afterwards. I miss you. I¡¯m going out to dinner this evening with a friend, Michelle. Miss u, love u. Have a good night.¡± ME: ¡°Miss u, love u too. Goodnight.¡± As the drama of the day began to take a ruthless toll on my mind, I decided to take a short drive as I felt lonelier than ever. By becoming closer to Anya, I felt the steep price as I began to miss her brutally and the more the significance of our short time together breathed into my consciousness, the more it began to break me. Incredibly, I even began to lose sight of the partnership achievement I just received from the firm as the greatest day of my professional career suddenly meant nothing to me. I should have known though, I would be left feeling this way with no one to talk to about it for comfort as all I could do was hope she truly loved me more than ever and she wasn¡¯t just saying that because she wanted to spare my feelings. When I arrived back home I grappled with my bed sheets throughout the night as I wondered if she truly did love me more than ever. As my conscious ambushed me, I then began to tighten my grip on this question in pure defense mode; if she was busy grasping for something to let us go why would she be inclined to love me more? When she text me that morning, I felt I had to address it. 7:22 a.m. ¡°Good morning! Did you sleep well? I tossed and turned all night. R u working today?¡± ME: ¡°Good morning! I had a hard time sleeping too. I¡¯m working today though. I really hope you don¡¯t feel bad for me and you said the things you did to make me feel better about it. Do you have anything special going on today?¡± ANYA: ¡°Why would I feel bad for u? It did feel incredible and yes I¡¯m more in love! I really believe this is true love. I have my girlfriend¡¯s birthday party then a Passover dinner to attend tonight.¡± ME: ¡°Thanks for that. I knew how much I loved you before but I love you more than ever now too. You felt really good and I miss you more than I usually do. Sometimes I think about what the romantic singer said to you about not knowing you¡¯re in love until after you have sex. I just think about how ridiculous that sounds when you consider all we felt before yesterday.¡± ANYA: ¡°You¡¯re right about him. I don¡¯t think he was in love w/me. I think it was ¡°in lust¡±. ME: ¡°Yeah, I don¡¯t think he¡¯d take you with a wooden leg or in a vegetative state, but you know I would!¡± ANYA: ¡°Ha! Wooden leg yes! Vegetative state, don¡¯t know about that! I love you!¡± ME: ¡°Love you too!¡± ANYA: ¡°Maybe we need to get ¡°bombed¡± next time to ease the nerves at least for me? I miss u already.¡± I thought her drinking suggestion was a novel idea as it would loosen us up a little more the next time around even though, the longing was now impossible to ignore. After work Anya sent me a text out of the blue. 4:04 p.m. ¡°I really miss you baby.¡± ME: ¡°I really miss you too.¡± ANYA: ¡°I really love you!¡± ME: ¡°This might surprise you but, I really love you too!¡± ANYA: ¡°Ha!¡± After these set of really sweet texts put me on a high-high, she then sent me a series of texts to showcase her grasping techniques. 6:40 p.m. ¡°Hi! Just leaving my girlfriend¡¯s party to Passover din. She had a fortune teller there! OMG! I¡¯ve never had my fortune read before! You would be blown away by her!¡± ME: ¡°No kidding? What did she tell you?¡± ANYA: ¡°She knows that I¡¯m married. She ignored it and asked me ¡°what is coming up in June?¡± She said I have many men who think they r my soulmates.¡± ME: ¡°Really? What is coming up in June?¡± ANYA: ¡°My wedding anniversary.¡± ME: ¡°Oh okay. Sorry to interrupt you babe. What else did she say?¡± ANYA: ¡°She said that there¡¯s a man who is knocking on my door like crazy who was my soulmate in another life. She said that I love this person.¡± ME: ¡°Interesting!¡± ANYA: ¡°She also said that this person is going to go through some hard time and I¡¯m in his life to support him. She described my character which blew me away! She does not know me but was able to describe my life. She asked me if I was done with kids because she sees one in the cards. She said the man who is knocking is the person and protection will fail. Should I be scared? I¡¯m sorry are you out hun? Don¡¯t want to bother you if you are.¡± ME: ¡°I¡¯m not out babe, and you could never bother me if you tried! That¡¯s pretty intense stuff she told you. I don¡¯t know what to think.¡± ANYA: ¡°I don¡¯t believe in clairvoyants do u? I think they assess ur looks and generalize.¡± ME: ¡°I think there¡¯s some truth to that. She sure made some pretty good guesses though!¡± ANYA: ¡°Yep. I do have to give her some credit w/some good guesses. I didn¡¯t share a thing w/her about me. I just listened. She had more to say about u.¡± ME: ¡°Haha! I think I¡¯m the one breaking the door down babe, not just knocking.¡± ANYA: ¡°She said ur in pain b/c of me and u will never let me go. She said if we don¡¯t end up together you will eventually move on but never let me go from ur mind. I never told her about you.¡± I didn¡¯t know what to tell her. Yes, I was in pain but it was manageable regardless of what this damn clairvoyant who gave her something to grasp had to say. I just knew I couldn¡¯t allow Anya to grab ahold of this. ME: ¡°Well, it seems like she¡¯s got me pretty much nailed down. I guess it leaves me to wonder who these many soulmates you have are? I mean does she know where they all came from?¡± ANYA: ¡°Your guess is as good as mine babe!¡± ME: ¡°Haha! So you¡¯re really going to refer to a clairvoyant to know how I¡¯m feeling?¡± ANYA: ¡°Yeah you¡¯re right. That clairvoyant thing is all BS! Ok, I¡¯m over it.¡± ME: ¡°Haha!¡± ANYA: ¡°I LOVE YOU!!!!¡± ME: ¡°I LOVE YOU TOO!!!¡± I really didn¡¯t know what to make of the clairvoyant. I was skeptical only because she was at a friend¡¯s house therefore it wouldn¡¯t be out of the realm of possibility the friend told the clairvoyant about Anya¡¯s current situation. I didn¡¯t want to be nosy, but for all I knew the friend¡¯s birthday party was for Carolyn or Debbie. Yes, the clairvoyant was right; I was definitely in pain, but I was also in happiness. Regardless of the fight in me, these were times I would get a little frustrated as my conscious would drop in to say hello and let my heart know he¡¯s still in the building. On April 20th, 2008, a Sunday, he made a triumphant return, a test I failed as it gave Anya a chance to grasp once again. It all began after she sent me a text that morning. 8:38 a.m. ¡°Good morning!¡± ME: ¡°Good morning! How are you?¡± ANYA: ¡°I¡¯m fine baby! Just finished a weak workout w/the girls. I think we¡¯re all dragging this morning! How r u?¡± ME: ¡°I¡¯m okay. Just worried about you.¡± ANYA: ¡°What do u mean?¡± ME: ¡°I¡¯m just worried you may be putting stock into what the clairvoyant told you last night.¡± ANYA: ¡°No not at all! I¡¯m too strong of a person to get sucked into all that stuff. What r u up to today? I miss u like crazy!¡± ME: ¡°I miss you like crazy too! My day is open! I have no plans other than to relax. Is it still Passover? What r u up to today?¡± ANYA: ¡°Yes still Passover. Taking the kids out to cruise the bay this morning. Have a great relaxing day baby. I love you!¡± I had to admit I was extremely bummed. I thought the reason she asked me what I was doing today was because she wanted to meet up. When she told me she missed me like crazy then asked me what my plans were, it gave me hope she might find a way to see me. I told her I had no plans only so she would feel comfortable asking to see me. To hear she was taking the kids on ¡°a cruise of the bay¡± while I was left to feel more alone than ever stung as it gave me the perception that if her marriage afforded her those things that everything was just fine. This discernment marked the first time I was irked by the fa?ade of Anya¡¯s marriage but I also didn¡¯t want her to feel bad though as I felt it would be wrong to do so because she was with her kids. I was also unsure if I had a right to feel what I did, however the disappointment was hard to discount. ME: ¡°I love you too.¡± ANYA: ¡°R u ok?¡± I should have known when I text her back ¡°I love you too.¡± without meeting her exclamation point after she added one to the end of her ¡°I love you¡± that she would pick up on it. It just seemed what happened a few days ago meant far more to me than it meant to her, and now it was back to business as usual. I was also saddened when she told me ¡°have a nice day¡± because I feared I wouldn¡¯t hear from her for the rest of it, and after all we shared I found that to be unacceptable as I felt she owed me more than just a ¡°have a nice day¡± now. Maybe I was wrong to let it affect me, I knew she was married from the beginning, however I had no control over my unconscious mind, the way my heart beated. Love was not something you just shut off when you don¡¯t want to feel it, like trying to stop the sun¡¯s gravitational pull on the earth. She asked me to sweep her off her feet and told me she wouldn¡¯t leave unless someone was there for her, yet here I was. I had done everything asked of me, and yet I was left to deal with the cover-up that was her marriage. I just didn¡¯t think that was fair but again the situation was a fragile one. I knew her future was at stake and I had to fight whatever pain I felt, but I also didn¡¯t want the sense if she truly loved me that she paraded around town as the perfect couple and family when she gave me the knowledge they were anything but. Her authenticity was the one thing I needed from her, even if it was to tell me she didn¡¯t truly love me. I was hurt by this cruise of the bay almost as much as when I found out she was on a canary island because it represented a disguise. I had to fight the urge to be negative though and hopefully later on, I would be able to forget how this made me feel. ME: ¡°I¡¯m okay. Have a nice day.¡± ANYA: ¡°K, have a nice day.¡± Twenty minutes later though she sent me another text. 9:20 a.m. ¡°You would tell me if something was wrong, right?¡± I walked away from my phone as I thought everything was fine, but it wasn¡¯t until thirty minutes passed that I could respond to her first text before another came my way. 9:30 a.m. ¡°I don¡¯t believe ur ok w/me right now. I hope I¡¯m wrong but I don¡¯t think so. It¡¯s obvious u don¡¯t want to tell me. I¡¯ll let you go. Hope to chat later.¡± A few minutes later, since it seemed she was convinced something was wrong, I finally cracked. ME: ¡°The fa?ade can be hard to understand sometimes.¡± ANYA: ¡°Fa?ade? Can you explain? Do you mean the fa?ade of having a relationship?¡± ME: ¡°I¡¯m not referring to us.¡± ANYA: ¡°Did I say something or mislead u? Can u explain please. I can¡¯t read ur mind.¡± ME: ¡°The fa?ade of your marriage. I think I¡¯m just missing you more than usual because of what we shared just a couple of days ago. I¡¯m affected more by things now than before.¡± ANYA: ¡°Do you know how much I miss u? My love for you is so strong and I miss you so much it brings me down to my knees. I cry for my kids. I hate it sometimes!¡± ME: ¡°I just got my hopes up that you may try to see me today that¡¯s all. Like I said, Friday meant a lot to me regardless how it happened, and it just hurts that you¡¯re out cruising the bay and I¡¯m here wishing you were with me. In the same breath, it¡¯s kind of selfish of me to think this way because I know how important it is for you to be with your kids. I get that and I¡¯m not trying to stop that in anyway, so that¡¯s why I didn¡¯t want to tell you anything.¡± ANYA: ¡°What am I to do? I understand ur feelings? We shared something special on Friday. I¡¯m hurting too babe.¡± ME: ¡°I know. It¡¯s not easy on you too. I¡¯m sorry I let it get to me. Thanks for following up. You sensed something was wrong and I was able to get it off my chest. I feel better now.¡± ANYA: ¡°It¡¯s not easy. Thank you for telling me. I love you.¡± ME: ¡°I love you too. Thanks for not letting me off the hook. It¡¯s been an emotional week for me. Enjoy your morning!¡± ANYA: ¡°You too! Text me later!¡± Even though I did feel better after our textversation, I felt bad about saying anything to her. I didn¡¯t want to give her anything to hold onto because there was more at stake than she realized for her. I wasn¡¯t accepting of her martyr stance and I wasn¡¯t going to let her burn at the stake by the hands of an emotionally abusive husband. We met to save each other and if I started to give her the impression I was hurting she would feel badly enough to let me go out of guilt, and I felt it would be wrong of her if she did. I had to give her a chance to be a woman of her word. I needed to know she was genuine, and that her promise to me before we began the relationship was solid. She text me about an hour later that same morning before I could text her back to chat, however I had no plans to honor her request, not because I didn¡¯t want to or that I was upset with her, but because I didn¡¯t want to take her away from the boat cruise with the kids. 11:01 a.m. ¡°I miss u! Let me know if u can meet me this week. It doesn¡¯t have to b long. I¡¯ll drive to u!¡± ME: ¡°I¡¯m sorry about his morning. I feel bad. You don¡¯t have to come see me because of what happened this morning. I¡¯m fine babe. Just deeply in love with you.¡± ANYA: ¡°Don¡¯t be sorry. I understand. We¡¯re in it together. I¡¯m deeply in love with you too! I want to see you!¡± ME: ¡°I¡¯ll let you know what day works best then. Thank you. I¡¯m sorry but Friday tore me up.¡± ANYA: ¡°It tore you up? Was it because I stopped? I still feel bad.¡± ME: ¡°No Sweetheart, it wasn¡¯t because you stopped at all. You just weren¡¯t ready and to be honest, I don¡¯t think I was either because it tore me up simply because it made me miss you more. If anything it brought us closer.¡± ANYA: ¡°I think it did bring us closer. Thank you for looking at the glass half full. I don¡¯t know when I¡¯ll ever be ready when I have guilt hanging over me. I guess time will tell.¡± ME: ¡°Sweetheart, I respect your timing and there is no rush whatsoever. I wouldn¡¯t want you to force yourself just for me. Our love is about us and not about just one person.¡± ANYA: ¡°Thank you. Never met a man like u and I never will. You¡¯re one of a kind! I love u so much. I have so many feelings for you I don¡¯t know what to do with them.¡± ME: ¡°Don¡¯t worry Sweetheart, we¡¯ll figure out what to do with them all one day. I love you very much too.¡± She text me a little later that same day to inform me the D-Backs had won and they were now in first place. Beyond this news that made me feel like a part of her day, I believed our talk provided another breakthrough as I was able to communicate to her how I felt and I received her understanding, so much so, she felt inclined to let me know she wanted to see me this week. The fact she understood how I felt was all I really needed. As much as I tried to avoid it, I guess it was good for her to know I was human and if she believed I was in pain then here¡¯s the proof. I felt it was important to her happiness for me to hide it as much as possible and to not whine about it especially when she was ever with her children. They were number one and I wouldn¡¯t want it any other way, but I also felt after all we¡¯ve shared and all I was told that I should be ahead of her marriage because I was not willing to join the fa?ade. I was real. I was here. I existed. If she hadn¡¯t allowed me into her life and made me feel like such a big part of it, then I¡¯d understand the show she put on. I honestly understood it for the sake of their children, but just not for the sake of the general populace. I think I got my hopes up too much to see her on this particular day and when it didn¡¯t happen I was hurt by it. She had boat cruises on the bay, neighbor parties and kids to keep her from missing me, all I had was her. We had a good conversation though, and she did a great job of handling it. I only viewed myself as the source of her self-awareness, not the source of her self-destruction. The only thing I was out to destroy was a fake unhappy life. On Tuesday she texted me to make plans to meet on Friday. She was busier this week than in weeks past because now she had her job, baseball games, ballet practices, mud run training, homework and dinner at the end of the day. She had a lot on her plate and I had to just go with her flow knowing Friday would make everything right again. Plus, she needed to get her work done so she could see me without any lingering stress. That¡¯s the way I looked at it anyway as it helped me not to take it personally when I didn¡¯t hear from her. On Wednesday afternoon however she texted me to show me her excitement. 11:01 a.m. ¡°Hey cutie! Having a nice day?¡± ME: ¡°I am now after hearing from you! How is your day going?¡± ANYA: ¡°Great! Finished work! Just got my nails done. 2 more days can¡¯t wait! Xoxo!¡± ME: ¡°Xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo!¡± ANYA: ¡°Craaaaazy!¡± ME: ¡°Haha! Sorry, couldn¡¯t help it. I just love you!¡± ANYA: ¡°I just love you too!¡± ME: ¡°Oh, and in case you didn¡¯t know I admire you very much too! Xoxo!¡± ANYA: ¡°Baby u just melt me! Do you know how sweet ur to me? I admire you too! Xoxo!¡± ME: ¡°Ur sweet to me too babe. U didn¡¯t have to text me throughout Passover weekend, but you did and you did so at great risk because you care about me. You took time away on your Sunday to help me with the way I was feeling. You probably think I don¡¯t see things like that but I do.¡± ANYA: ¡°In case you didn¡¯t know, I¡¯m in love w/one person and that person is you! Thank you! Happy girl here! I love you baby.¡± ME: ¡°Thank you babe. Happy man here too! I love you too.¡± ANYA: ¡°I¡¯ll need a long kiiiiiiissssss!¡± ME: ¡°Oh, and you will receive a long kiiiiiiiisssss! I can kiss you for hours. Love it!!!¡± ANYA: ¡°The best!!!¡± We texted some more the next day as it felt the anticipation to see each other again was unlike any other times that preceded it as we both felt closer than ever. Her Thursday texts showed me again how her excitement for Friday met mine. 7:50 a.m. ¡°Good morning! It¡¯s been the longest week ever! Friday is finally near! Can¡¯t wait for tomorrow!¡± 11:34 a.m. ¡°24 hrs!!!¡± 12:06 p.m. ¡°I can¡¯t wait! I miss u soooo much! Thanks for being in my life!¡± 8:43 p.m. ¡°Goodnight! I will dream of tomorrow! I love you!¡± When Friday finally arrived, I was elated, and I thought she would be as well as all the texts added up to what would surely be our most memorable day together. 9:48 a.m. ¡°Hi! I¡¯m sooooooo sorry but something just came up at work and I can¡¯t come over today. Please don¡¯t be mad at me. My hands r tied. Hope u understand.¡± In my thirty seven years of existence, I had never been so truly disappointed by anything in my life. An hour later when I finally turned my discouragement into understanding, and before I gave her something to grasp onto again, I sent her a text to let her know I understood, and I apologized for the delay. 11:01 a.m. ¡°You don¡¯t even know how upset I am right now! It was a control thing from the top. I think he¡¯s suspecting again. I just want to cry!¡± After I read her text, I knew her words came from a sincere place and it broke my heart to know what her happiness was up against. Armed with my love for her, I began to realize somewhere in the distance lurked a beast, and he was out to kill both of us with his false sense of morality as our love for each other now faced its greatest test. CHAPTER 20 ~ FAR BEYOND BEAUTIFUL ¡°Aim at heaven and you will get earth thrown in. Aim at earth and you get neither.¡± ~ C.S. Lewis After my ¡°cruise of the bay¡± breakdown, I didn¡¯t want her to feel like she disappointed me. I had to understand sometimes the situation would allow things to slip from our hands. I¡¯m a patient man and I understood our relationship needed that from me. I also had to understand I wasn¡¯t the only one disappointed by such scenarios as we were both equally affected. I told her we would get together soon, our time will come, and for her not to be upset. She then hit me with the sights of the Hubble telescope, something I desperately needed from her. 12:19 p.m. ¡°I looked into changing my nursing status to ¡°active¡± from being ¡°inactive¡±. I have to take some courses but don¡¯t know if I have to take the board again. The board only allows so many years of inactive status. I hope I don¡¯t have to take the board again b/c well u know, it sucks! I¡¯m just checking out my options. I need my own thing. I¡¯m under ¡°control¡±. Just keeping my options open.¡± ME: ¡°I had no idea you were a board certified nurse. I¡¯d be surprised if they made you take the board again. Sounds like you may be required to take some continuing education courses for sure, but what do I know?¡± ANYA: ¡°It¡¯s not my first choice to go back into nursing. In fact, it may be used against me financially if I go back. Just a backup. I¡¯m frustrated!¡± ME: ¡°If you need anything from me let me know. Would love to help you out in any way I can. Don¡¯t get frustrated Sweetheart, I¡¯m not going anywhere. We have your spa weekend to look forward to. We should both be excited about that and not upset about this.¡± ANYA: ¡°Thanks for seeing the glass half full when I wasn¡¯t able to. I am excited! Can¡¯t wait! I have to go now, babe. Meeting w/the CEO to go over some issues. Thanks for listening and for your understanding. I love you!¡± ME: ¡°Just know you don¡¯t have to do anything you don¡¯t want to do Sweetheart. I love you too!¡± ANYA: ¡°Don¡¯t know babe. Ur right in that I don¡¯t need to do anything. Just don¡¯t know¡­¡± ME: ¡°I know.¡± ANYA: ¡°U know? Hard to read text. Sorry what do you mean?¡± ME: ¡°I know this much babe - I know. I¡¯ll just leave it at that.¡± ANYA: ¡°Ok babe.¡± ME: ¡°I love you!¡± ANYA: ¡°I love you too! Sorry about today.¡± ME: ¡°I totally understand.¡± ANYA: ¡°That¡¯s why I love you! Don¡¯t know what I did to deserve you. Better go!¡± Even though she wasn¡¯t able to meet up with me on this day, it seemed to light a fire under her, and put her in a mode of action. I just knew what she needed to do; she needed to leave him. I didn¡¯t want to tell her that because of her son¡¯s heartbreaking words, and I didn¡¯t want to bring her down in suggesting what I believed would be the right thing. Her consideration of changing her nursing status to active told me deep down she knew too, even if she said she didn¡¯t, and it meant a lot for me to see that kind of drive from her as I believed it was a step in the right direction for everyone, and another step closer to living an honest life. On April 30th, half awake, I scrambled for my phone on my nightstand, as I wanted to be the first to wish her a happy five months before she could do the same. 7:06 a.m. ¡°OMG! I was just typing the same thing right now! Five months ago today was the best day because I didn¡¯t think I would see you again. Happy 5 months! Xoxo!¡± Although it was a struggle at times that brought me some of the hardest days of my life, the last five months also brought me the happiest days of my life, and that oasis made it worth all the time I spent thirsty. Later that evening, Anya sent me a text that showed both sides of our relationship¡¯s coin. 5:51 p.m. ¡°OMG! I forgot to tell u! When I went to the meeting today, the event I was responsible for was changed from May 13th to the 14th. They dumped on me and I had to eat two chocolate cookies after! Can we meet in PV on the 12th?¡± ME: ¡°Of course! No problem! Hope the cookies were good!¡± ANYA: ¡°They were. I needed them! Thank u, thank u, thank u!!!! I can just kiss u!!! I love you!!!¡± ME: ¡°Haha! Of course Sweetheart! I love you too!!! Can¡¯t wait to kiss u again!!!¡± ANYA: ¡°Me too!!! Ur the best!!!¡± ME: ¡°Have you girls got everything figured out for this weekend?¡± ANYA: ¡°Well, on Friday night we¡¯re going to a rooftop bar called N¡¯ya and the sunset is supposed to be amazing! How was your day? I can¡¯t wait to see you on Friday.¡± ME: ¡°There you go again, stealing beauty away from the sunset. Wish I could see that with you. I have hope we¡¯ll share many sunsets together though. My day was good! I can¡¯t wait to see you on Friday too. What do you think we should do?¡± ANYA: ¡°Whatever you want to do babe! I¡¯m going over Deb¡¯s house to further discuss the weekend. Can I ask you a question?¡± ME: ¡°Sure.¡± ANYA: ¡°Would you feel weird staying a night w/me? We can just hang and watch a movie or something.¡± ME: ¡°Feel weird? I would love to stay the night with you!¡± ANYA: ¡°I wasn¡¯t sure how u felt about it since u haven¡¯t asked if I had my own room. Again, don¡¯t know which night if not both. Have to get the plan from the girls.¡± ME: I¡¯m so sorry Sweetheart, but I thought you and the girls were all getting a room together. I had no idea that was even a possibility.¡± ANYA: ¡°All of us in one room? No way!¡± Again, without my knowledge, she found a way to love me and to touch me from the inside. I felt really bad she was left to wonder why I hadn¡¯t asked, but I thought she already knew how much a night with her would make my life. The next day she sent me a text that showcased the height of her excitement. 5:51 p.m. ¡°Hi! How is ur day going? I really can¡¯t believe we get to spend some real time together! I I¡¯m sooo happy! Xoxo!¡± ME: ¡°Day is going well! I can¡¯t believe it either! I¡¯m just as happy! How is your day going? What r u up to?¡± ANYA: ¡°Great! I¡¯m just getting around to walking Suki. She¡¯s so excited to get out. I still need to pack and get some work done. We¡¯re driving in at around noon so I kind of have to go with the flow. I¡¯m sorry I can¡¯t come see you tomorrow afternoon before I head down, but we¡¯ll get to spend quite a bit of time together tomorrow night.¡± ME: ¡°No worries! That¡¯s what I thought too, we¡¯ll get to see each other tomorrow night anyway.¡± ANYA: ¡°And we decided to start our workout no later than 7 a.m. on Sat and Sun. I hope that isn¡¯t too early for u.¡± ME: ¡°Not at all. That works. Thanks for letting me know.¡± ANYA: ¡°Thanks for understanding babe. After speaking with the girls about our plans 4 tom nite, I found out that we really don¡¯t have one! So, I¡¯m thinking 10ish somewhere tomorrow night in Laguna Beach. I¡¯ll let you know. Is that ok?¡± ME: ¡°Of course it is babe.¡± Even though I was a little bummed I couldn¡¯t see her that afternoon, the evening carried such great promise it didn¡¯t matter. I was going to spend a night with her and I really couldn¡¯t ask for more than that especially when I took the possible suspicions of her husband into consideration. After I felt the jolt from our last moment of intimacy, I feared if I went there with her in Laguna Beach, whether on the beach or in her room, I would feel a mental anxiety like no other. I felt almost literally attached to her even without making love. If she went one way, I wanted to go the same way. Whenever she went the other way, I felt pulled apart by my limbs. We were one person now and we didn¡¯t need to culminate love making to be so connected. My heart was hers. Her heart was mine. Not only did we know each other intimately, but we knew who we were intimately, and to be in love with your best friend was the best feeling this world could offer anyone. My partnership promotion finished a distant second to Anya, and unlike her husband¡¯s place for her in his life, she was my priority. Even though we couldn¡¯t share a sunset together, which was something I truly dreamt of doing with her, I knew the time would come as I hoped for sunsets, and not just one that would eventually fade into eternal obscurity. That morning, Friday, May 2nd 2008, as I readied myself for the greatest weekend of my life. Anya sent me a text to provide some insight into her morning and evening. 7:52 a.m. ¡°Good morning! A little crazed finishing up work stuff! Bad timing but my mom wants to visit at 10 this morning! Can you believe it? The girls and I are hoping we can lay out by the pool before dinner this evening. How r u?¡± ME: ¡°Your mom¡¯s timing is impeccable! Haha! I hope you¡¯ll have time to catch some sun before dinner too. You deserve some time to relax babe. I¡¯m good. Just excited and happy!¡± ANYA: ¡°I¡¯m excited and happy too! Sorry again about the sunset. I¡¯m really pushing it by ditching the girls later, girls¡¯ weekend u know. I love u.¡± ME: ¡°Oh well, they have to be up early anyway right? I love you too!¡± ANYA: ¡°U don¡¯t know my friends! They r going out dancing till past 2 am after dinner! ¡°Play hard, work hard¡±! They see it as ditching! I don¡¯t care though!¡± I understood how the stress of being a mother and working could take its toll, and it was important for them to get out and relax, but to be honest, something didn¡¯t sound right about this to me. It was a girls spa getaway weekend, I understood that, but these girls were also married. It led me to think Carolyn and Debbie had marital issues of their own or maybe even had open marriages. It did beg the question though; how many working mothers would be out dancing at nightclubs until 2 a.m. if something wasn¡¯t wrong at home? Even though this confused me only because I believed my mother would never act like a single woman, I also believed they could be a little envious Anya had found someone like myself who was willing to give her what I did. Then again, I could be terribly wrong, but their conduct did present a nice addition to my essay as it could provide further validation in my belief that most people nowadays got married for the wrong reasons. ME: ¡°Okay, well, just so you know we met 11 months ago today! Happy 11 months!¡± ANYA: ¡°Ur so sweet! Happy 11 months!¡± Unfortunately, I found myself at work that Friday, and had a hard time concentrating as I couldn¡¯t wait to join her, but Anya found a way to make me feel like I was already there. 1:39 p.m. ¡°Hi Babe! The sun feels great! Laying out by the pool facing the ocean w/a Bloody Mary! The ocean is beautiful. Wish you were here right now! Can¡¯t wait to see u! I¡¯ll let u know where to meet me later! C u 2nite! Xoxo!¡± As pathetic as it sounds, I had never experienced something as simple as lying out at a hotel pool with a girlfriend before. It sure would have been nice especially with a Bloody Mary in hand, but I held out hope one day it would happen for me, and for us. She then text me again just when I returned home from work. 5:24 p.m. ¡°Hi! Hope you¡¯re having a good day! Sitting around w/the girls. Will start getting ready soon. I¡¯m excited!!! Don¡¯t know what the plans r yet but there¡¯s a great bar at the hotel. Talk to u soon! It was different to hear from Anya so randomly during the day as it brought the reminder she was no longer bound by her stress at home, and I was ecstatic for her because I knew how much it meant to have some time for herself. A half hour later, she sent me a text that showed me the beauty of her heart and mind. 5:57 p.m. ¡°Tahiti¡± Her ¡°Tahiti¡± text was arbitrary yet significant as it represented a dream of ours, a place we wanted to visit together, perhaps even a honeymoon destination. To know she carried such beauty in her heart and to know I would feel it shortly released an onslaught of endorphins that created a natural euphoria within me. A couple of hours later, she sent me the beauty of her heart and mind again to share a moment we wanted to view together. 7:14 p.m. ¡°The sun is about to set at N¡¯Ya. I miss u.¡± ME: ¡°I bet it¡¯s almost as breathtaking as you are, but I doubt it. I miss you. I love you.¡± ANYA: ¡°I miss you and I love you too!!!¡± And then, just twenty minutes later, her eyes, heart and mind synchronized within mine. 7:34 p.m. ¡°The sun just set.¡± It was a beautiful thought for her to text me during that time. A thought only she could create, as it gave me goosebumps my skin had never experienced before. 7:46 p.m. ¡°I can¡¯t wait till u get here. I have so much to tell u.¡± I was a horse chomping at my bit at this point as the anticipation and intensity of the evening seemed too surreal to even imagine let alone happen yet less than two hours later after I received this text, the reality of our evening was revealed to me. 9:14 p.m. ¡°My room is on the 7th floor in the tower building. Room number is 272. The floor number is the middle digit. Weird. You can valet at the front of the hotel lobby. Walk across the street to Republique. We¡¯ll be there. Great band!¡± As soon as this text arrived, I was out the door in an instant and to a meeting with my destiny, and my fate, where truly anything could happen. Wonder filled my mind as I drove towards an ocean as vast as my dreams, and when my ride through the night that seemed to last a lifetime was over, and after I handed the valet my car keys in front of an extravagant hotel, I strode across the street to encounter the only person who held the key to my soul, and the only one who orchestrated the most melodic of choruses within me. There are moments in time, in each of our lives; moments I never believed existed for me, when life shook you to awaken you from the mundane to a dream state, and in this very midst of truth, regardless of the surrounding reality one witnessed every day, you would still swear it was all a dream. As I entered the bar area, I remembered nothing I had seen or heard prior to the moment I saw Anya sitting on a barstool, faced forward with her back to the bar. I¡¯ve glanced through and seen many beautiful women in magazines. I¡¯ve watched many gorgeous women perform on television, and I¡¯ve seen them everywhere I went, in every day of my life and with every step I took, yet in my entire lifetime I had never seen a woman look so incredibly beautiful in my own eyes as Anya did on this night as the greatest feeling of love I had ever known for someone overwhelmed me. The look on her face when she saw me, the way her smile lit up the dimmest of bars in my mind was not of this solar system as it left me in awe of how much a simple countenance of the most beautiful woman I ever seen, changed so dramatically when she saw me, just a normal guy. Her face, and the way she looked at me, caused me pause as I stood still in disbelief of how much my simple presence meant to her, yet it broke my heart all at the same time, and if I didn¡¯t experience an arrhythmia at this exact moment, a moment I waited a lifetime for, I would be surprised. It then all hit me suddenly that tonight, I would not only have this beautiful woman in my sight for the longest period of time since we met, but I would also have her in my arms when the sun rose. The narrative has been taken without authorization; if you see it on Amazon, report the incident. Anya¡¯s brilliant white teeth were hard to ignore as she smiled widely at me with a wildfire of happiness in her eyes. I gave her a fifteen second affectionate hug when I reached her and then gave quick hugs to both Carolyn and Debbie. ¡°You look far beyond beautiful tonight.¡± ¡°Thank you.¡± she said as she turned her face shyly away for a few seconds then put her hands on my chest. ¡°Love your shirt. What do you think of the band?¡± ¡°Thank you. Oh wow¡­¡°Wish You Were Here.¡± by Pink Floyd.¡± I said as I noticed what the tune the band played. ¡°Nice. One of my favorite songs of all-time. They sound great.¡± ¡°You like that song?¡± ¡°I love that song.¡± I said. ¡°I do too!¡± exclaimed Anya excitedly as she leaned into my ear. ¡°Let¡¯s go. I have so much to tell you. I¡¯m so happy you¡¯re here. I love you.¡± ¡°I¡¯m so happy to be here.¡± I said almost through tears of pure joy. ¡°I love you too.¡± Anya then turned to Carolyn and Debbie, who both looked spectacular in their own right but they were up against my soulmate, as it seemed they were both resigned to allow Anya to spend time with me. ¡°It¡¯s okay. We¡¯ll see you in the morning. Seven sharp!¡± said Carolyn to Anya as she signified the number seven with her fingers. ¡°Hear that babe? Said Anya as she turned to me. ¡°Seven!¡± ¡°Loud and clear!¡± I said. ¡°I¡¯ll have her back to you girls by seven.¡± ¡°We¡¯re holding you to that Landyn!¡± said Debbie playfully. ¡°I promise!¡± I laughed as I held my hands in the air. I felt bad for Debbie and Carolyn as I could sense how a part of them appeared to be disappointed not because a friend left them, but because of what she found in me. I¡¯m sure they were in non-romantic, unhappy marriages as well, enough so they could stay out dancing until two a.m., and it made me wonder if their husbands had been unfaithful too. I remember the time I saw them huddled together at a table at Paseo¡¯s surrounded by a few men, and even though I witnessed them flirting, nothing more seemed to take place, and if it did, it was best I didn¡¯t know about it because I would probably be inclined to weigh in. I didn¡¯t believe God, if he existed, looked upon Anya as being married because her husband¡¯s infidelities and his broken vows, had taken her love away from him, but I believed God did believe Carolyn and Debbie were married because even if they were cheated on, they were more than likely still in love with their husbands, and from what I knew, they had never strayed. I believed what they did, flirting with guys, was actually somewhat healthy for their marriages as long as they didn¡¯t cheat, but it seemed only one of them were living a lie¡ªthe one who held my heart. After we bid Carolyn and Debbie good night and we were outside the bar, Anya snatched up my hand in hers as we walked back across the street to the hotel. The night was warm, and the moon shone brightly and massively above us which added to the ambiance of the evening as the smell of the sea penetrated our nasal cavities. With every step we took together, we held each other within eyes of cheer without saying a word, as I still found myself in utter disbelief I was going to spend the night with her. I did worry however what exactly the night had in store for us. Would we make love or would we really just watch a movie and fall asleep together? Whatever happened, I was honestly fine with, however it was impossible to discount this night presented an opportunity, one we rarely had or would ever have again. Even though I feared another bout of loneliness from a negative emotional response if we did make love, I decided to just let fate determine where the night would take us. Upon our entry into the hotel lobby and just as the elevator doors closed behind us, Anya turned to face me with an eagerly affectionate look in her russet eyes. I then pulled her tightly to me, and we began to kiss each other as our hands, full of intentions, scrambled upon each other¡¯s body areas that aroused us the most. I gripped her petite waist and with precise force brought it into mine and she whimpered with pleasure as she gripped my biceps tightly. The smell of her perfume and freshly shampooed hair enlightened my senses which deepened my passion further. Consumed with unbound desire and affection, and after we realized several minutes later the elevator had already stopped on our floor, we walked awkwardly yet perfectly within our arms and with our eyes on each other to her room just a few feet away as the anticipation I felt for an event now just seconds away was more intense than any other I had with her before. All the previous times we spent together she had to leave, but this night belonged to us, as we were now the creators of the stars, and the drivers behind our destiny. When we got inside her darkened room and without seeking any artificial illumination, we began to remove our clothing as our naked bodies crashed upon the cool queen sized bed sheets as if they were waves on the shore below us. As we stirred on the bed, we satiated our hunger for each other with our hands and lips, exploring areas we had never been before, but just as soon as it all began however, our manifestation of love suddenly yielded to the rules of the game for the evening. ¡°Babe, I just started my period. I can¡¯t do anything tonight.¡± she said nearly breathless. ¡°You¡¯re not upset with me are you?¡± Even though my exploration of love had suddenly turned from a trip up the volcano Kilauea to the frigid trek up Mount Everest, I now knew what it felt like when I had come up cold on her in the past. ¡°Sweetheart.¡± ¡°Yes?¡± she answered. ¡°I¡¯m just happy to be here with you.¡± I stated. ¡°You¡¯re not disappointed?¡± ¡°Well, I won¡¯t say I¡¯m not disappointed, but like I told you before.¡± I replied, bringing my lips to hers ¡°We¡¯re not about that. And If we are¡­we¡¯re not gonna make it.¡± ¡°I love you.¡± ¡°I love you too.¡± I spoke before landing my lips softly into hers again. We then continued our quest to make out and to feel each other the way we always wanted to as we didn¡¯t need to make love to make love. The fact we were together meant everything to me as she was now with me and no one else¡ªKing Kong on top of the Empire State Building with my soulmate. I then began to look back on my life and all the times I was hurt and depressed that things never worked out for me with women and with love, and I realized all those failures magically added up to where I was at this moment, and if this was where I was supposed to be, the right here and the now, then it was all well worth the heartache I experienced because I knew this with absolute certainty; if I had a choice to be anywhere I wanted to be in this world and with who I wanted, I would choose where I was at this moment and with her. Even to this very day, after all I had gone through; it would still remain my first choice. This moment was what life was all about; happiness in its purest form, a dream that actually came true for me. After thirty minutes of catching up on our love for each other and as we cooled down, she sat up on the hotel bed and began to tell me about her evening in animated detail. She revealed Debbie became emotional after dinner which prompted a group discussion about her behavior as she explained that she ¡°just gets like that sometimes¡±. When I asked Anya what got her so emotional, she said they were teasing her about something and she became overly sensitive to it. No doubt the Bloody Marys the girls had at the pool earlier had played a role in the softening of Debbie¡¯s skin. She then began to tell me her husband took her out to dinner again as he claimed he was now willing to lose both arms if he could take back the things he did, but I was just relieved to hear he appeared to be running out of extremities. ¡°Did you say anything to him when he told you that?¡± I asked. ¡°I just looked at him and didn¡¯t say anything.¡± she told me. ¡°He then conceded he believes I¡¯m staying for the kids and not for him.¡± ¡°Do you think he¡¯s asking you these questions because your fifteen year anniversary is coming up?¡± ¡°No. Not at all. I think he¡¯s suspicious that I¡¯m seeing someone.¡± ¡°I see.¡± I told her, nervously. ¡°Does he know you¡¯re here in Laguna Beach this weekend?¡± ¡°Yes.¡± ¡°Do you think he would maybe show up here unexpectedly?¡± ¡°He might. I don¡¯t know.¡± she said. ¡°He really isn¡¯t a bad man.¡± ¡°I don¡¯t think he¡¯s necessarily a bad man even though I must say he¡¯s done some things good people don¡¯t do.¡± I retorted. ¡°but I only believe him to be a bad husband.¡± ¡°I agree.¡± ¡°Was there a reason why you didn¡¯t say anything to him when he told you that he would lose two arms if he could?¡± ¡°I didn¡¯t say anything because it¡¯s already too late.¡± she stated without hesitation. ¡°Even though you told me your feelings were empty and you were numb back in June, one of the reasons I left you was because I was hoping you guys could work things out.¡± I said. ¡°But when we reconnected and you told me nothing had changed. I thought those five months apart was enough time for me to believe that even in my absence things would never change.¡± ¡°Even as of today nothing has changed.¡± she further elaborated. ¡°It¡¯s such a shame people who cheat are always sorry only after they are caught. If they were truly sorry, they would have stopped before they were caught.¡± I said. ¡°I don¡¯t believe your husband would have ever confessed or told you he was sorry if you didn¡¯t find out about his betrayals. He¡¯d probably keep living his life the same way believing he got away with it, leaving you still believing he was the greatest husband on earth, the great shame that it is.¡± ¡°He would¡¯ve never told me if he wasn¡¯t caught.¡± she agreed. ¡°And I resent him for what he did to me.¡± ¡°I wouldn¡¯t be surprised, just based on his history, and I hate to even say this, that there are probably times you don¡¯t even know about because we¡¯re not talking about an isolated incident here. We¡¯re talking multiple partners at multiple times. Even after times he apologized and received your forgiveness.¡± I said. ¡°Maybe he had more opportunities than most men have, but if you truly love someone, especially if you¡¯re married to them, you just don¡¯t ever act on it. You¡¯re simply never compelled to because it¡¯s not even a thought let alone an action. And I don¡¯t care what people tell me, you may be able to forgive someone but it¡¯s impossible to forget because of all that you¡¯re left to feel.¡± ¡°I agree with you on everything babe. I believe there are times I don¡¯t even know about.¡± It broke my heart into pieces to tell her these things. I was in love with Anya beyond earthly expression, and I hated to see the sadness in her eyes, but she was my best friend, and I wanted the best for her whether it was with me or not; I loved her that much. I truly wanted her away from this man so he could not fuck with her mind ever again and lead her to believe she owed it to her children to stay with him, the greatest of all lies ever told, a lie that could only be spewed forth from the mouth of a demon inside him. ¡°Just so you know. Your happiness means the world to me, even if it was with another.¡± I said. ¡°I hate the fact that you ever experienced this even if it led you to me. It was just so unnecessary, and if I could change things, between you and him, so you never felt the pain you did, regardless of all the love I feel for you right now, I would.¡± ¡°Thank you babe.¡± she said as she leaned in to kiss me. ¡°I love you so much.¡± ¡°I love you too.¡± I replied. ¡°I¡¯m going to fight for you to have a real love in your life. I think it¡¯s more important than you realize but maybe there are things I don¡¯t realize that keep you there regardless of the kids.¡± ¡°I have this guilt hanging over me.¡± she explained. ¡°It¡¯s holding me back¡ªI don¡¯t know.¡± ¡°I¡¯ve been thinking about your guilt.¡± I broke. ¡°I don¡¯t think you should feel guilty at all.¡± ¡°How come?¡± ¡°Because marriage should be bound by love, not by contract.¡± ¡°Would our marriage be bound by love?¡± she asked. ¡°And not by contract?¡± ¡°I would never ask you to marry me if it wasn¡¯t.¡± ¡°He did tell me he would leave me. He said he would even give me the house and my share of the money.¡± she revealed. ¡°But he would not give me the kids. He would fight me for both of them.¡± ¡°I wouldn¡¯t trust what he tells you babe.¡± I reminded her. ¡°He knows how much the kids mean to you and he knows that¡¯s his only leverage to keep you there. No matter what he says about his willingness to part ways with you, they¡¯re lies¡­because if he did, he would be willing to share custody with you too, especially when you consider all the turmoil he¡¯s caused within your heart. You should never find yourself in a position as his wife to be in a relationship with another man because you couldn¡¯t help it. That alone should tell you everything you need to know about the kind of man he is, what¡¯s best for your life, for your well-being, and for the well-being of your children.¡± With her eyes in mine, Anya grabbed my hand and nodded. The things her sociopathic husband told her truly vexed me because of the fake intent behind them, but it was nice to see him realize she wasn¡¯t there for him and to fight for her would be moot. Then again, all we could trust in was his lack of integrity, and in the games he played with Anya¡¯s mind as I was certain if he believed she was seeing someone, he knew the things he said would be heard by me through her. I didn¡¯t feel it was necessary to bash her husband, but I felt inclined as Anya¡¯s best friend, to point out his game of deception just in case she missed it. She had a protector now, and even though every second that passed brought the chance a fateful knock on the door could possibly end our time together, I readied myself since Day One of our relationship for the possible consequences of my decision to save Anya, and I was ready for anything that came my way, even if it meant I would lose my life because quite frankly I never could go back to the way I felt before I met her anyway. That alone would carry a death sentence all its own. ¡°Is the ocean right below us?¡± I asked, realizing I could hear the waves hitting the shore below. ¡°Yes babe!¡± she spiritedly informed me. ¡°The beach is just right outside. I left the balcony door open so we could fall asleep to the waves.¡± ¡°The beautiful thoughts you have never cease to amaze me.¡± I replied, while watching the balcony door shades sway from the ocean breeze. ¡°I want you to see this movie I brought called ¡°Knocked Up.¡±¡± she sprung. ¡°Do you mind if we watch it?¡± ¡°Of course! I¡¯ve been wanting to see it but never got a chance to.¡± ¡°It¡¯s hilarious!¡± she told me before sitting up and jumping out of bed to put the DVD in the player. ¡°You¡¯ll love it!¡± After she set up the DVD for us to watch, Anya climbed into my arms and rested her head upon my chest. We both laughed heartily for the first thirty minutes of the movie at almost all the same parts, as it dismayed me to know I had missed out on this part of life for most of it. About forty-five minutes into the movie, I noticed Anya silently had fallen asleep, and I felt the greatest sense of happiness to know she felt so comfortable around me and at peace to do so. As I held her in my arms, I maneuvered my free one to grab the remote to turn down the volume so the sound of the waves would overtake her sub consciousness. I kissed the top of her head gently as to not awaken her but after I did, I teared up just a little bit when I thought of how much this moment of peace meant to her and how a simple moment like this for two people who genuinely loved each other should not have been too much to ask for. I had a hard time falling sleep not because I didn¡¯t feel comfortable, but because I didn¡¯t want the night to end. I found myself in a dire need to savor the moment, every passing second of it as I held this beautiful person in my arms, and if I was to die at this very moment, I couldn¡¯t think of a better way to leave life. When Anya began to roll over to her side and out of my arms, I felt saddened by their sudden emptiness, but seconds later she reached for my right arm to hold it around her, and I happily obliged as I kissed her shoulder. I watched Anya sleep the night peacefully away from all the turmoil and the stress that consumed her on a daily basis, but while I beheld her physical beauty, she began to shiver as the room started to get cold from the air coming inside. I then covered her exposed body with the bed covers and wrapped my arm around her to bring her as much warmth as possible. Around six a.m., she rolled into my arms and began to touch me that heightened my arousal. We then began to frolic upon our base of paradise as I brought her naked body tightly to mine like the waves that embraced the shore underneath us. When seven a.m. quickly came upon us, I slowed things down as I didn¡¯t want her to be late for her run with Carolyn and Debbie. ¡°I don¡¯t want you to leave.¡± she said to me. ¡°I don¡¯t want to leave either, but I don¡¯t want Carolyn and Debbie to hate me and get upset with you.¡± ¡°I don¡¯t want to run this morning.¡± ¡°Babe, you have to run. I¡¯ll be back tonight.¡± ¡°You promise?¡± ¡°Not only do I promise.¡± I said as I kissed her. ¡°I guarantee I will be back tonight. I love you.¡± ¡°Ok babe. I trust you.¡± she said. ¡°I love you too.¡± I passed an exam only seventeen percent nationwide pass when taken for the first time yet the hardest time I ever had in my life was getting out of bed with Anya on this morning. I could literally had stayed there for days with her, but I somehow summoned the strength to do so and to say good-bye so she could get ready for her run. It wasn¡¯t long however before I heard from her that very morning. 9:44 a.m. ¡°Did u make it back ok? I loved last night!¡± ME: ¡°I made it back ok. I loved last night too!¡± ANYA: ¡°It was very natural for us. I felt so comfortable w/u! I loved every second! I¡¯m sorry about the love making part. It came early! Didn¡¯t expect it!¡± ME: ¡°It felt so good to have you fall asleep in my arms. I felt like I was by myself it felt so natural. I could have stayed in bed with you all day! Beautiful, no need to apologize for the love making part. I totally understand. We¡¯re not about that.¡± ANYA: ¡°Me too! Thank you for understanding. I just finished breakfast w/the girls. I guess the girls went home last night b/c Deb was grumpy. I¡¯m listening to the waves now. Wish u were back here.¡± ME: ¡°I wish I was with you too, but we¡¯ll be together again soon.¡± ANYA: ¡°I¡¯m thinking about ur take on my ¡°guilt¡±. ¡°Marriage is bound by love not contract¡± was interesting.¡± ME: ¡°Ideally speaking, I believe so. I believe God envisioned marriage to be bound by the heart. That was his intention. I feel when your husband cheated on you several times, he didn¡¯t just break his vows to you, but also to God, and the day love died in your heart for him because of his betrayal, was the day I believed God considered you no longer married. That¡¯s why I believe you¡¯re not committing adultery in his eyes. In the eyes of our society, our government, the ones who allow tax deductions, then you are married and committing a sin, but I don¡¯t think you should feel guilty because the sin is not being committed in the eyes of God. That¡¯s my take on it anyway.¡± ANYA: ¡°Thank you babe. I appreciate that. I love you.¡± ME: ¡°Of course babe. I love you too. What¡¯s the plan tonight?¡± ANYA: ¡°We have dinner reservations at Arturo¡¯s at 8:30. I¡¯m thinking maybe we can meet around 10ish again and meet each other at the hotel bar downstairs? How does that sound?¡± ME: ¡°Sounds like I¡¯ll start my countdown right now! I look forward to it babe. Sounds great.¡± ANYA: ¡°I¡¯m excited!!!¡± It was an eventful weekend to say the least as another beautiful night awaited me spent with the woman I loved more than life itself. This weekend took shape into the best weekend of my life simply because I had never felt so loved and so respected by another human being, as it felt like if I didn¡¯t exist, neither would she. It also didn¡¯t bother me that Anya was unable to make love. She was my best friend, and just hanging with her meant everything to me. I believed this form of love we shared was not only worth fighting for, but also worth dying for even if her husband becomes enraged enough to seek me out. I was aware of the consequences of a situation of this magnitude, and most importantly I knew I had to feel strongly enough about us to be here for my demise was a probable consequence, but after the previous night, I found that fate entirely acceptable and worth the risk. As I anxiously waited for the clock to reach ten, she text me a couple of hours early. 8:00 p.m. ¡°Hi! How r u? Whatcha doin? At Arturo¡¯s. Crazy busy! Cinco de Mayo weekend, Do you want to meet me at the hotel bar or do you want to rescue me from here? I took a taxi over here.¡± ME: ¡°I¡¯ll jump in the shower and be right down. You don¡¯t want to hang out there together?¡± ANYA: ¡°It¡¯s really crowded here!!! Actually a meat market!!! We just sat down to order. Would you mind picking me up here at 9? I¡¯ll come out to meet you. Let me know.¡± ME: ¡°Of course Beautiful! I¡¯ll be there at 9 sharp!¡± ANYA: ¡°Thank u!! Let me know when ur here. I¡¯ll come right out. Love u! There was no drug on the market that could have competed with what I felt inside when I knew I would see Anya. She took many breaths away from me last night as I anticipated how many more she would take from me when I saw her again in an hour. I may need a respirator before the night ended. After what seemed like an eternity instead of an hour, the clock struck nine as I brought my car along near Arturo¡¯s entrance. A line of scantily clad women and brooding collared shirt wearing men stood near the entrance when I informed Anya via text I was outside. When she emerged from the restaurant I spotted her instantly and drove another hundred feet to where she stood. She then jumped inside with the widest of smiles and leaned over my center console to kiss me as I was left blinded by her omnipotent beauty. As I pulled away from the curb and onto the bustling street, not only did this moment bring me the purest feeling of joy but also the purest feeling of honor to have Anya seated next to me in my car, in a seat that had been just like me, empty for years. After she leaned over my center console to kiss me again while we were stopped at a light, she grabbed my right hand and held it in her lap while I steered with my left. She then began to tell me about an incident that transpired in the restaurant. ¡°Some twenty-eight year old guy approached me in there.¡± ¡°That doesn¡¯t surprise me. You look gorgeous!¡± I sincerely replied. ¡°What did he say?¡± ¡°He said ¡°all I want is one night with you.¡± she informed me. ¡°just one night.¡± ¡°Well, that was pretty straight forward.¡± I responded, irked he had been disrespectful to her. ¡°What did you tell him?¡± ¡°I told him. I have two kids. I¡¯m married.¡± she told me, then pausing. ¡°and my boyfriend is on his way to pick me up right now. Good-bye.¡± We both started to laugh as I imagined the look on his face when she told him that, but the thing I loved most about her comeback was her ¡°boyfriend¡± reference. It meant a lot to me to know I was the ¡°boyfriend¡± as I was more loyal to her than even her own husband, and I felt I deserved that title regardless of the circumstances at least in her mind. It was also nice to know, after being on the other side of the fence so many times, the side this twenty eight year old kid now stood on, that the girl he wanted to spend time with only had time for me as it was nice to be on the side another wished they could be on for once in my life. I could tell Anya had a few drinks and was feeling little to no pain. And as we stopped at another red light, she leaned over to kiss me once more, but this time however, I got lost in her kiss, lost in the excitement and beauty of her gesture. When I heard a horn announce its impatience, we kissed a few seconds more before we pulled away to laugh as we continued our irresponsible journey to her hotel room. ¡°I love you so much Landyn. So so much.¡± she told me, sweetly. ¡°Me too.¡± I said, smiling at her. On our trek to the hotel, she pointed out places she used to hang out at in Laguna Beach. I was surprised to learn she knew the place so well, but when she informed me she grew up in the nearby city of Tustin, her knowledge made sense. She then said she used to know a lot of pro beach volleyball players which surprised me also, but her perpetual tan skin hinted she probably frequented the beach often back then. As she shared with me stories about her younger days, It made me long to know her during that time, but my low self-esteem surfaced to inform me she probably would¡¯ve never given me any of her time let alone the time of day, especially in the presence of the tall volleyball players she already knew. When we reached her hotel, I had the valet park my car as we decided to spend time together inside the hotel bar, Splashes, before we ascended to her room. When we entered the dimly lit tavern, we both approached the bar and each ordered a glass of Conn Creek Cab. With our generous pours in hand, we first took in our surroundings and pondered where we would sit as we realized we were the only ones inside the entire place. As we sat down in a booth, side by side, right in the center of the bar, we were treated to a panoramic window view of the ocean and a fully lit moon as the waves bounced upon the beach just about twenty yards or so in front of us. Before we took a sip of our wine, she made a toast to us, and with each sip thereafter a passion I never felt before filled my heart as I beheld her beautiful face, heard her sweet voice, tasted her delicious lips, smelled her sensual perfume, and touched her smooth skin while in a state of complete harmony and perfect intoxication. An intoxication I couldn¡¯t distinguish from the love I felt or from the wine I drank. The closer we got to the bottom of our glasses, the more we got lost in each other as silence prevailed over the spoken word. ¡°If we got married...would you have a bachelor party?¡± she wondered. ¡°I don¡¯t think I¡¯d have a choice.¡± I laughed. ¡°I think my friends would want to throw me one since they¡¯ve been waiting for so long.¡± ¡°Would you have strippers?¡± ¡°Honestly, if I was in my twenties, or even in my early thirties, I would probably want a stripper.¡± I admitted. ¡°But I wouldn¡¯t want them now. I wouldn¡¯t want any strippers at my bachelor party.¡± ¡°Why not?¡± ¡°Because I don¡¯t need a last hurrah; I¡¯ve already experienced the best in you.¡± She then quickly leaned into kiss me as she seemed surprised by my answer. ¡°I also thought about something else I would want to do¡­if we got married.¡± I said. ¡°What babe?¡± ¡°I thought if we ever got married, I would write my own vows.¡± I exclaimed. ¡°I believe you deserve beyond regular vows and promises from me considering all you¡¯ve gone through with your husband. I would want you to know my love is for real and it¡¯s beyond forever¡­that marriages based on true love are realistic.¡± I held her hand and rubbed her legs as she seemed to become a little emotional as her eyes began to water. She then leaned in to kiss me again as our lips crashed into each other like the waves just beyond us. If we were married, it was important for her and everyone else around us to know that my promises and vows would remain unbroken until death did us part, even if she lost a breast or became a vegetable. I knew Anya without a doubt was my soulmate as I felt it was entirely possible we were reunited from a past life even though I wasn¡¯t a true believer of the clairvoyant. Everything just seemed to always work out for us and nature always seemed to play a part as evidenced by the beauty of the lunar gleam upon the water in our full view, and so a love affair in a past life explained it better than anything. As I held her hand in mine and as the waves pounded the shore like my heart pounded upon my chest wall, I felt secure that her love was not going to be deterred by a suspicious husband as this weekend had shown that our relationship was as vital to her as it was to me. ¡°Do you worry about us financially at all?¡± I asked. ¡°Not really.¡± she said. ¡°I think we would be fine.¡± ¡°I¡¯m in a fairly lucrative career.¡± I explained. ¡°There is really no ceiling to my earning potential. I just wanted you to know that in case you ever worried about it. I¡¯ll go into details about it with you when I can.¡± ¡°Okay babe, I think I¡¯m more concerned about a sudden environment change for my kids.¡± ¡°I understand.¡± I answered, a bit disheartened. ¡°Would it help if I bought a home in your area so your kids wouldn¡¯t have to leave?¡± When I said that to her, she clutched her hand to her heart as it nearly brought her to tears. ¡°You would do that?¡± ¡°Why wouldn¡¯t I?¡± I said with a smile. ¡°I love you. Whatever it takes. I would want to give you back the life you had given up to be with me.¡± ¡°I love you so much.¡± she replied, placing her lips softly upon mine. ¡°Should we go back to the room?¡± I asked, the kissing turning into a wave of passion. ¡°Yes.¡± she replied, breathlessly. We then took the final sip from our glasses of wine and began the short walk back to our room. This marked the first night I¡¯ve ever been drunk with Anya and I knew the night would get interesting simply because it would really open me up more than ever. Once inside the elevator, we became playful and the more the alcohol played a role in my temerity, the more it intensified as I almost had her top off. When we entered her darkened room, I picked her up in my arms and cradled her in them as I gently yet dominantly laid her down onto the bed. As we removed each other¡¯s clothing, I could hear the waves as we began to stir restlessly upon the bed like the waves that rolled into the coastline below us. Anya then suddenly stopped to give me important instructions. ¡°I¡¯m putting you on a ten minute tsunami watch tonight babe.¡± ¡°Tsunami watch?¡± I laughed. ¡°Love, we¡¯re in Laguna Beach not Sumatra.¡± ¡°I still worry.¡± she said softly. ¡°after what happened a few years ago.¡± ¡°Okay, I¡¯m on a ten minute tsunami watch, then.¡± I replied with a broad smile. She then smiled and laughed as she collided her lips into mine. I then moved my hands along the smooth curves of her naked physique, and while I hovered over her, I began to kiss her entire body, but as soon as I began my descent into a deeper measure of me, a part I had never been allowed to feel before, a forceful startling knock was suddenly heard at the door. We both froze as we knew the possibility existed that her husband would confront us as we were now left to wonder, in the middle of our own little paradise, is if these breaths we took together would be the last ones taken in the presence of each other. At that moment, I didn¡¯t care though. I was at the apex of my life. My entire life I had spent in preparation of this moment, and I was prepared to leave the world as I knew it behind, as either literally or figuratively, I was ready to die. CHAPTER 21 ~ A SHEPARD OF MARTYRS ¡°One, with God, is always a majority, but many a martyr has been burned at the stake while the votes were being counted.¡± ~ Thomas Reed For the first time ever, Anya and I both looked at each other without knowing what to say. I wanted to answer the door, I wanted to be known as I hated to be part of a lie, but I also wanted to answer it to protect her in case he became violent. If he had a bullet in the chamber, I wanted my name on it, not Anya¡¯s, however I had to realize by answering the door I could unnecessarily escalate the situation and make it more hostile. As these thoughts kept churning, and even though I didn¡¯t have one, I whispered my plan to her. ¡°I won¡¯t open the door. I¡¯m just going to look through the peep hole to see who it is. If it¡¯s a man, I¡¯ll let you come over to confirm and if so, I¡¯ll hide away somewhere, not because I¡¯m scared, believe me I¡¯d love to talk to him, but I¡¯m afraid he would rat you out to your kids. I¡¯ll be right back.¡± I said as I put my finger over my lips as she nodded. I then quietly walked over to the door fearlessly because of the wine yet also with consideration for the situation¡¯s fragility. If he were to find out about us this way, it could be for the best as at least the truth would be known, but it could also be for the worse. The only reason I chose to do things this way was because she wouldn¡¯t leave him without someone there for her, and I wanted her to come into the best situation possible so the transition for her and her children would be smoother. If she were to leave him for me right now, in this manner, it would be tough on all of us, as her husband would be certain to make it that way as the kids would be left to suffer the most. When I reached the peep hole, and placed my eye within the scope, I could see no one out there. I then began to believe he was in complete ambush mode just beyond our view, and if and when we came outside, either one of us, he would be there for the attack. With my hand in the air so Anya understood to be silent, I decided to stand at the door for a few minutes to wait for another knock. When one didn¡¯t come, I walked back over to Anya to come up with Plan B. ¡°I can¡¯t see anyone out there.¡± I said as I lightly shook my head. ¡°If he is out there though, I think it¡¯s better if he saw you instead of me come out because he would expect to see you, and then would likely think you¡¯re here alone. What do you think?¡± ¡°I think that¡¯s the best thing to do babe.¡± she said as she quietly got out of bed. ¡°But what if he wants to come inside or forces his way in?¡± ¡°I¡¯ll stay outside on the balcony. I¡¯ll climb down to the beach if I have to. I¡¯ll be okay. Don¡¯t worry about me if he does. Invite him in.¡± ¡°Are you sure?¡± ¡°I¡¯m sure.¡± I reassured her. ¡°Don¡¯t worry about me.¡± ¡°Okay.¡± she said as she made her way to the door. ¡°I love you.¡± ¡°I love you too. I¡¯ll watch from the balcony.¡± I said as I began to head toward the moving drapes. As I walked out onto the balcony, I quickly realized if I needed to make it down to the beach, I would probably have only one leg, if any, to get to my car as the beach below was well over a three hundred foot fall. I then watched anxiously through the crack of the balcony¡¯s glass sliding door as Anya stood there in the dark with only the light in the room from the outside, that shone underneath the door, as my guide to know where she was. She peered through the peep hole for nearly a minute before she opened the door slowly as I watched her first look left then right and suddenly kneel down for a few seconds. When she rose to her feet, she closed the door behind her; locked it and came back to the bed as I withdrew from the balcony to meet her. It was then I noticed she held two thick yet compact white items in her hands. ¡°Candles, babe.¡± she said as she looked up at me. ¡°Candles?¡± I said in wonder. ¡°Yes.¡± she confirmed. ¡°They brought us candles.¡± ¡°Who brought us candles? Room Service?¡± ¡°No, Debbie and Carolyn.¡± she revealed. ¡°they even brought us some matches too.¡± ¡°They did?¡± Their gesture touched me deeply as I was often worried that because they didn¡¯t know about her husband¡¯s infidelities that they possibly believed I was a homewrecker, but the candles told me they didn¡¯t view me as such. It gave me the sense I was appreciated by them as they knew the happiness and a real love I had brought into the life of their friend, and to gain a sense of trust and acceptance from them, two women I really cared about as well, two women who were also married and could have rallied against us, meant the universe to me. It was also nice to know how much they knew this weekend meant to us, even when they were left out in the cold as it was one of the kindest most unselfish gestures I had ever known, and I was so thankful for their understanding. Not only did I love Anya and her kids, but I now also loved her friends. As I lit the candles for us, Anya went into one of her many bags she brought on the trip and removed a CD. When Una Toda Vida filled the air, as the candles burned, and the waves rolled deliberately yet comfortably in our ears, we started to kiss each other again as our hearts returned to their usual frenetic pace. An hour later within the perfect peace that settled over us, like the shadows gently brought forth by the candle light, we fell asleep in each other¡¯s arms, recipients of a most perfect REM sleep after a most eventful night. When I awoke a few hours later, I was shocked to see her still in my arms as my head started to pound from the wine. I then fought hard to fall back to sleep but to no avail as the persistent throbbing in my head prevailed. When Anya awakened she began to kiss my back as I instantly forgot all about my hangover. I then turned over so I could take in her morning beauty and moved my lips into hers to wish her a silent good morning. As her lips greeted mine, she rolled on top of me, and I could sense she wanted to make love as I was instantly aroused, but I then could see the pain in her eyes as she realized why she couldn¡¯t. ¡°I feel so bad about this babe.¡± ¡°Hey. No.¡± I said as I put my hands gently upon her face. ¡°I love you.¡± ¡°I love you too.¡± she said as her lips formed into a slight pout. ¡°I know you do; more than ever. You¡¯ve shown me the most beautiful weekend of my life.¡± I reassured her. ¡°Thank you.¡± We laid in bed together as we reluctantly tempered down our desire for one another. At six a.m., an hour before her run with the girls, she went to one of her bags and brought a bunch of bananas, a bag of almonds, and two bottles of water. Not only was this what I ate every morning for breakfast before I went to work, but more significantly, this was something I never told Anya. ¡°You know this is what I eat for breakfast every morning?¡± ¡°You do?¡± ¡°Yes! Bananas and almonds. Almonds have the good fats. Mono and poly unsaturated, fats that are easy to burn.¡± ¡°I¡¯m impressed you know that about almonds!¡± ¡°See, you learn something new about me every day.¡± I laughed. ¡°Very sweet of you. Thank you.¡± ¡°You¡¯re welcome.¡± she said. As we sat on the bed and ate bananas and almonds, with a sun that mischievously entered our room through the drapes, she began to show me pictures of her kids she grabbed from out of her purse. As she went through them, one in particular stood out, an adorable aged wallet sized print of her daughter, with her long black hair flowing under a red cowboy hat, on a horse. ¡°How old was Katie in this picture?¡± I asked as I held it. ¡°She was three, almost four.¡± she said. ¡°That¡¯s her own horse!¡± ¡°She had her own horse?¡± ¡°Yes, she did. She loved her.¡± ¡°Does she still have it?¡± ¡°That one and three other horses now, Babe.¡± she said. ¡°She has her own horse ranch.¡± ¡°Well, this is one adorable pic.¡± I said as I smiled at her. ¡°Babe?¡± ¡°Yes?¡± ¡°I want to wake up in your arms every day.¡± she said as she teared up. ¡°Hey...hey.¡± I said as I brought my right hand to touch her face. ¡°I¡¯m doing all I can to make sure that will happen one day. Okay?¡± ¡°I know. I love you.¡± ¡°I love you very much.¡± I said as I kissed her on her forehead. ¡°Everything seems so perfect about us.¡± She said. ¡°Yet my kids represent the elephant in the room neither of us wants to face.¡± ¡°We¡¯ll face it when the time is right, beautiful.¡± I said. ¡°We can¡¯t deny it¡¯s there¡­among other things.¡± As she came into my arms, it was moments like this which fueled my fight for her. Moments like this which allowed me to believe, and to hope, and to dream because I knew what she needed to survive, and as much pain as I would endure or have yet to, this is why I stood pat regardless of the hurricane warnings; regardless of not just an elephant, but a wooly mammoth that stood in our path. With her by my side, I felt strong enough to take on the world¡¯s artificial sense of morality, a morality based on earthly perceptions rather than eternal perceptions. I felt love. I gave love. I knew love. Our love represented a stand against this world, against false perceptions and fears, and like any soldier who believed in the cause they were fighting for, I was going to march proudly all the way to the end, determined to return home with her in my arms, along with a purple heart. Later that day after we left the drama and the beauty of Laguna Beach behind, she texted me. 4:04 p.m. ¡°Hi. Back home. I had the best weekend! Still can¡¯t believe how natural and easy it was to be w/u! Tied up w/the kids now. Love u!¡± I expected her to spend some time with her kids so I understood completely. I had the memories of the greatest weekend of my life on my mind, and felt more secure in her love than ever before. We had a beautiful weekend together, even better than I thought it would be. From the very minute I saw her in Republique, when my heart nearly stopped, I knew it would be the most memorable weekend of my life, one I would never want to see end. She did some very thoughtful things for me in Laguna Beach, from cracking the sliding glass door open so we could hear the waves, to bringing a movie for us to watch, and to bringing almonds and bananas for us to eat in the morning. I had to make sure I returned the favor in Palos Verdes, to make it as beautiful for her as she made it for me. I loved the fact what she did was nothing overboard as they were simply natural subtle things that perfectly reflected our relationship and our love for each other. The fact of the matter was Anya loved me like no one else ever had or I believed ever could. Women have been free to love me when they wanted to; in any way they chose to do so, and here was Anya, bound by so many things in her life yet she always found a way to love me better than anyone ever had before. How could I not fight for that? I believed I wasn¡¯t fighting for something that I thought existed. I also wasn¡¯t fighting to try to rekindle anything I had destroyed time and time over again like her husband did. What perplexed me the most about him was that he didn¡¯t see the love he had for himself was greater than the love he had for his wife. I believed he was trying to salvage his ego more than anything at this point. And I¡¯m sure he would angle it to the masses as if he was trying to save his family, but if he truly cared about his family, he would have never cheated in the first place. Trying to save his family and loving his children were mutually exclusive here, and I¡¯m not saying he didn¡¯t love his kids, I believed he did a great deal. I just felt he didn¡¯t truly love his wife and that¡¯s what truly made ¡°family¡± a family. I also believed if he was suspicious, it only proved Anya had spoken meaningfully without saying a word, like the silence of outer space, about how she felt about her marriage to him and what it truly represented. The Anya, that I knew and loved, would never jeopardize her children or ¡°family¡± being hurt if they truly were a family, because I knew her kids meant everything to her. Our relationship was as deafening as a collision of galaxies, as not only was it important but also essential to her well-being. Her husband couldn¡¯t lose to me and I couldn¡¯t lose to him simply because Anya¡¯s heart was not a competition, and if I thought for a single second her being with him was the best thing for her, I would step aside, no questions asked. In fact, I would push her to him, and I would disappear from her life forever, but I knew she would¡¯ve never pursued a relationship with me of this magnitude knowing how much she loves her kids if she didn¡¯t feel strongly about her resentment for her husband and the falsehood of their family. It was prominent, in her face every day, and it was as real as the ground underneath her feet. She had lost trust in his love, so much so she no longer loved him, and there was no way I could simply walk away from this. I knew too much, and most importantly I knew what everyone else around her didn¡¯t know. I knew the truth. The next morning, Anya sent me a text that made me feel like we were back in Laguna Beach together. 5:06 a.m. ¡°Good morning! Waiting for the girls to go running. I had a blast! It was an amazing weekend in that I felt so comfortable sleeping in ur arms! How easy was it, right? It was as if we¡¯ve done it before!¡± ME: ¡°I have never felt more comfortable sleeping with anyone before. It seems like we¡¯ve done it so many times.¡± ANYA: ¡°I know! I loved every moment from Republique, falling asleep w/u, waking up to the waves crashing, banana breakfast, riding in ur car, and Splashes! I wish I could tell the world that ur my ¡°boyfriend¡±! I miss u and love u very much!¡± This book is hosted on another platform. Read the official version and support the author''s work. ME: ¡°It was easily the best time of my life Sweetheart, and I consider myself your ¡°boyfriend¡± regardless of the situation. I miss u and love u very much too!¡± Later that day, while on my lunch break, I sent her a text to see how she was doing. ME: ¡°Hi! How r doing? I can¡¯t stop thinking about you! I had so much fun with you this weekend. I love you!¡± ANYA: ¡°Hi! Can¡¯t stop thinking about u too! I¡¯m super busy working on several projects w/u on my mind! I feel almost ¡°high¡± w/good feelings! I love you too! I thought you were cute when u said u wouldn¡¯t want a stripper for ur party. I loved looking into your beautiful eyes in the morning.¡± ME: ¡°I meant that babe. I wouldn¡¯t want a stripper. If you could have only seen how beautiful you looked this weekend. I feel blessed because I was the only one lucky enough to feel all I did when I saw you. Your beauty blew me away this weekend. It¡¯s like I get to watch a beautiful sunset every time I look at you.¡± ANYA: ¡°Thank u baby! You¡¯re making me blush and cry! I was a little embarrassed about ¡°starting¡± on Friday. Totally out of my control U made it a ¡°non-issue¡± and I really appreciate that. I love u!¡± ME: ¡°Love of my life, that¡¯s always going to be a non-issue. I love you so much! Everything I ever do with you, from talking to you, to looking into ur eyes, to holding your hand, to kissing you, to making love to you will always carry equal weight with me. That¡¯s how I know this is true love! I was just so happy to be with you! I miss you and love you more than ever! I enjoy every moment I share with you.¡± ANYA: ¡°That was the sweetest thing ever! Don¡¯t know if it¡¯s possible but I just fell more in love w/u! We are so perfect together! After this weekend I want to see you every day!!! I could fall asleep in your arms every night! I miss you more than ever! If I die tomorrow I would die happy b/c I had true love.¡± ME: ¡°I could fall asleep anywhere with you and be comfortable. I don¡¯t know if you feel the same way about me at all. I¡¯m sure I would have to do something really special for you.¡± ANYA: ¡°U don¡¯t have to do anything! It doesn¡¯t matter as long as I¡¯m w/u! Btw, I didn¡¯t do anything this weekend. U did all the work! U had to drive down every day!¡± ME: ¡°I would drive anytime and anywhere to be w/u! No work whatsoever!¡± ANYA: ¡°Really???¡± ME: ¡°Yesssssssssss!!!¡± ANYA: ¡°I love you more than chocolate and that¡¯s big!!!¡± ME: ¡°I¡¯m above chocolate? This is big!!!! I am deeply, madly and completely in love with you.¡± ANYA: ¡°Me too babe! R we really crazy?¡± ME: ¡°I¡¯d think we would be crazy if we weren¡¯t in love!¡± It was the truth; I would have to be considered legally insane if I didn¡¯t love this woman. The situation we found ourselves in was the only thing that made our sanity questionable. The next day we kept the good vibes of our weekend in tact as there was too much beauty within us to ignore as we now found ourselves at the point of texting each other throughout the entire day. ME: ¡°Good morning! I couldn¡¯t stop thinking about you last night. I miss having you in my arms. Do you have any events coming up?¡± ANYA: ¡°Good morning! Me too! I have an event tomorrow and next Wednesday. Thanks for asking. I had a banana before my run this morning and thought of you! Can¡¯t wait to see you again! I miss you so much!¡± ME: ¡°I can¡¯t wait to see you again too!¡± ANYA: ¡°I forgot to tell you I received my nursing renewal app yesterday and it didn¡¯t say anything about taking the board. I just have to pay and turn in 30 CEU¡¯s. Maybe an oversight? Chances are I won¡¯t ever go back but I should keep up my license. U never know.¡± ME: ¡°That¡¯s great! You¡¯re right, you never know so I think that would be a smart thing to do. How long have you been inactive for?¡± ANYA: ¡°Inactive over 8 years but ¡°expired¡± for 4 years which basically means I would have to take the board again, I think. We¡¯ll see what happens. I¡¯m going to take my CEU¡¯s and turn it in. I¡¯m not worried. I think I can do it online.¡± ME: ¡°Very impressed babe. That nursing degree was hard to get. It¡¯s a lot of work and a lot to know.¡± ANYA: ¡°Thanks babe. You give me too much credit. I better get going for now. I miss you like crazy! Haven¡¯t stopped thinking about our weekend! I remembered you covered me with the blanket a couple of times. Very sweet. I just love you so much! I¡¯ll never be the same again for the rest of my life! I love you!¡± While on my lunch break, I couldn¡¯t get her off my mind. It was a downer to feel the euphoria and anxiousness of last Friday at work to the dreadfulness of not having the faintest idea when I would see her again, and that¡¯s what made things difficult for me at times. I truly missed being around her and I even worried about her during the day now. If something happened to her, like if she was in a car accident and was seriously hurt, what would I do? What could I do? The man she truly loved wouldn¡¯t be allowed to be with her at the hospital? After our beautiful weekend in Laguna Beach, I felt a part of me went missing now, so I sent her a text to get what I was feeling out in the open with the hope it would help me focus better as my heart had taken my head out of the game. ME: ¡°It sure is different knowing I won¡¯t see you tonight. I was getting used to it! I can¡¯t believe how much I feel right now. I care about you so much. Xoxo!¡± ANYA: ¡°I know hun. I care a lot about you too! Did you ever think we would literally fall crazy in love when we met in June? It¡¯s been so much fun! Xoxo!¡± ME: ¡°I did because I knew how I felt about you when I walked away. Did you think we would fall this crazy in love with each other when we reconnected?¡± ANYA: ¡°Never to this level!¡± ME: ¡°If I was to fall completely and madly in love w/someone I¡¯m glad it was you. You¡¯re not only a phenomenal woman but a phenomenal human being. There isn¡¯t enough room in my heart for all the feelings I have for you. I had the best time of my life this weekend b/c I was with you. You know how to love someone, and when I decided to pursue this relationship after you told me what you needed from me, I feared if I left you again, you might meet some jerk who could never understand the depth of your heart and your mind and I just knew if you gave me a real chance you would love me too.¡± Little did I realize when I sent this text, it would open the floodgates to a lengthy response from her, the longest text she had ever sent me. 1:47 p.m. ¡°Landyn, that was very very sweet. I knew when I met you in June that you were different. I didn¡¯t know why or how but I knew that you were not the typical. I was right. I would like to clear something w/u. When u say u didn¡¯t want me to meet some jerk, I hope u don¡¯t think I was looking. Believe me when I say I know people. I never meant even to get involved with Lance. I was not available and am not available what so ever. I was not looking at all. I was out with Debbie trying to forget what had happened. Don¡¯t take it personal but it was an act of a higher power for me to meet u and actually talk to u. I thought you were cute but I don¡¯t usually give time to a man. I¡¯ve been in my marriage and been in mommy world that I never even gave it a second thought. When Lance left I guess it was a blow to my big ego. He and I never shared what we¡¯ve shared, not even close. I never wanted to meet anyone else. Sure I was not happy b/c u know why, but I was willing 2 live w/it. When I met you, I knew we had something. When you stopped I was kind of relieved b/c I knew it would have developed into something big. That¡¯s how much I felt! If you were not in my life today, I wouldn¡¯t be out searching. Believe me when I say this b/c it¡¯s 100 percent true. Ur special, u were meant for me. We were made for each other. My heartache and struggles r w/my children. I wouldn¡¯t give anyone else even a slight chance. This I¡¯m sure of. Sorry, the end!¡± The tone of her text, in the beginning, I interpreted to be somewhat scathing, almost a scolding. I didn¡¯t like the fact she wrote ¡°she was willing to live w/it¡±, because if she was she never mentioned that to me, and it would have drastically altered my decision to date her as I would have walked away the first time and stayed away. I then began to consider how much I meant to her, and the reason why she couldn¡¯t help it; I made her realize she didn¡¯t have to live with it, and that something better, a real love, was actually out there for her, along with a man who was willing to be there for her when she left, an option that never existed in her life until I did. I also showed her that true love existed; that there was someone who would never dream of cheating on her for any reason, someone who would be honest with her, someone who would be loyal to her, someone who genuinely cared for her, someone she loved who was her best friend, and not just her lover. Of course she was willing to live with it because she thought what we had only existed in fairy tales, but if she knew this kind of love was possible then she never would have been willing to live with it. I also didn¡¯t mean to imply that she was ¡°looking¡±, however I believed she did search somewhat subconsciously especially after her fallout with Lance, the romantic singer. He was Anya¡¯s Hubble telescope that allowed her to see other worlds that eluded her with the naked eye. Worlds so beautiful that it was hard to imagine they existed, as he was the catalyst of our love. Whoever the people she knew were, I didn¡¯t know of them. The only people I knew were Debbie and Carolyn, and the people in her charitable organizations so I didn¡¯t know who else she knew, and why she mentioned it, but I appreciated her letting me know what she faced, and little did I know, what I faced as well. The point of my text was simply this; she was vulnerable. She was like a fighter who had been beaten to a pulp who was no longer able to protect their face, but her face was her mind, and it took an emotional beating every day for years. She had even gotten so used to the mental abuse, she didn¡¯t recognize it anymore, like a fighter who didn¡¯t know where they were after they were knocked out, got back up and asked why the ref stopped the fight, and I was the ref in this situation who aimed to stop the fight within her. I felt since she was mentally vulnerable, that if anyone showed her more love than her husband, which anyone could do, she would be susceptible to meeting another man like him. I knew I was nothing like her husband. I did not have an ego, and I would never cheat on anyone. I loved Anya so much, if someone I believed to be better came along, I would be man enough to let her know how I felt before I pursued it. It was something called respect, and anyone I seriously dated deserved that from me as I was better than no one. I truly loved Anya, and her happiness trumped all, even my feelings as I felt like the spirit of Chaucer¡¯s Aurelius resided in me. I intended to fight for her happiness, even over the happiness of her own children only because they were just that, children, and did not know what I knew about their mother or about life, and I believed they would understand one day as I felt if Anya was truly filled with love, she would reflect this love back upon them. They would learn and know what a normal marriage was all about and the importance of love and affection in this world as Anya had shown me since we met that it was even more important to have than money or status, and worth risking everything for. I just had to go about it the right way and with the least amount of collateral damage done. Even though I had no idea really how to go about it, I believed we were on the right track. This was not about my ego, but about getting her away from the clutches of an emotionally abusive husband and thrusting her into a life of honesty, low stress and happiness forever. It was simply my goal to help prolong her life. I didn¡¯t want their children to hate her or even him, I felt they both were good parents. I just felt they weren¡¯t good for each other. If I wasn¡¯t in her life the way I was, I would not feel this way and it would not be fighting for. I believed I was in her life for this purpose if I wasn¡¯t meant to be with her, but I knew just like she indicated in her text; we were meant for each other. ME: ¡°Thank you babe. I was just going off what you told me the night we first met about Lance breaking your heart. I apologize. I didn¡¯t mean to imply you were looking but just vulnerable, that¡¯s all. I really believe after this weekend now more than ever that we were meant for each other too. We shared too many beautiful moments together to feel otherwise.¡± ANYA: ¡°There were so many moments I loved. I was just thinking about sitting in your car. I loved that you picked me up. I was so happy to see you! I just jumped in ur car as if you¡¯ve picked me up before. It really felt like u were my ¡°boyfriend¡± just rescuing me from a crowded place. If I absolutely had to pick one though, it would be falling asleep in ur arms without any worries. Was so natural.¡± ME: ¡°That was my favorite moment too. It was like we¡¯ve been falling asleep together for years. It¡¯s sad when you know we belong together after a weekend like that only proves it.¡± ANYA: ¡°I agree baby. It¡¯s really sad to have had such a beautiful weekend together and now expect to go on separately.¡± ME: ¡°Toughest thing I¡¯ve ever had to do.¡± ANYA: ¡°I miss you terribly. I love you.¡± ME: ¡°I love you too.¡± When our text exchange ended, I felt a little deflated. Not because I felt negative about anything she communicated, but just because I wanted to hold her in my arms. I missed that more than anything. Later that evening she sent me a text that resonated within my soul. 8:56 p.m. ¡°I love u forever!!!¡± It was the first time she ever used the word love and forever in the same sentence, and it meant everything to know her love was not time sensitive. Out of all the romantic things I tried to say to reveal how I felt, this modest thing Anya sent me was like a guitarist who found the simplest of chords and made a song the world adored. To read she loved me forever encapsulated how deeply I felt as well. Love was a forever or never thing with me, otherwise it was a waste of time, and it had to last until the stars no longer shined, and with Anya, I knew it would. After I told her I loved her forever too, I started to work on my essay, or to at least began to memorialize thoughts in my journal. I needed to be prepared for Palos Verdes. Mutual love, trust and communication is what drove a marriage, and when those things are gone there¡¯s just nothing left to salvage. I knew she loved me and her only struggles were with her children, but I had to think of a way we could make this work. I felt the ideal scenario consisted of one in which she shared custody and had an amicable divorce so the children weren¡¯t as affected. It was unreasonable to think they would be unaffected and unrealistic to believe that could be avoided entirely, however I felt it could be greatly mitigated. Since Anya¡¯s husband said he was willing to leave even with his suspicions, I felt she may be able to end their marriage amicably. I also believed if he was going to fight her for custody, if he gave her the house, I couldn¡¯t envision a scenario in which she would lose the kids to him, especially if she got a part-time job or pursued her nursing opportunity. I believed he would be shooting himself in the foot if he gave her the house because I found it improbable, if not impossible, that a judge would rule the kids should be moved out of their home with him and away from their school, their friends, and their mother. They would lose all familiarity of their current surroundings and their environment would abruptly change which would affect them adversely more so than staying put with their mother in the same home they were living in that he gave her. In the meantime, I could move nearby into a house in her city, and she could stay with me when she didn¡¯t have the kids. I could completely take care of her after I officially become a partner at the firm which would avoid him having to pay any alimony to her. If he gave her the house, she could sell it after the kids were out of school and off to college, move in with me and that would be her deferred ¡°alimony¡±. If she could just get a little child support from him for a few years, which he would have to expend anyway even if they stayed together, it would help with their expenses. I truly believed there had to be a way, a good way for everyone, to make this happen without her husband getting hurt badly in the pocket. As much as I disliked him, I didn¡¯t think he should lose what he worked for all these years regardless of his disregard to the feelings of his wife. The next day, I had to drive back to Hesperia to do another inventory count of the rock quarry. It was an interim inventory count the client wanted us to do and since I had the expertise now, I volunteered to do it. Later that afternoon, after I had performed the observation, and just before I was ready for the hour and half drive back home, Anya sent me a text to let me know how she was doing. 2:38 p.m. ¡°Missing u.¡± ME: ¡°Missing you too. How¡¯s your day going? ANYA: ¡°Just busy! U forgot to say u love me!¡± ME: ¡°Haha! I love you!!!¡± ANYA: ¡°I love you too!!! Forever!!! I miss u like crazy! I thought about kissing u all day! I thought about ur touch. I was totally turned on! Have to go! Xoxo!¡± ME: ¡°You have to go already? Haha! I¡¯m just teasing you babe.¡± ANYA: ¡°Quick random question. Am I your ¡°girlfriend¡±?¡± I didn¡¯t know how she would react, but yes, I believed she was my girlfriend. We¡¯ve experienced things boyfriends and girlfriends do, and I was faithful to her so why wouldn¡¯t I consider her to be at this point? ME: ¡°I share intimate moments w/u, I am completely in love w/u and I¡¯m faithful to u so even if we can¡¯t make it ¡°official¡± I consider u my ¡°girlfriend¡± and myself ur ¡°boyfriend¡±. Now, I got a question for you! Hypothetically speaking of course, if u were to reveal to Deb & Carolyn, w/them knowing only that u have hurt each other and knowing that they support us even leaving candles for us this weekend, that your husband has cheated on u several times, do u think they would advise u to leave ur husband or stay 4 the sake of the kids? Personally I believe they care about ur happiness so much that they would advise u to leave.¡± ANYA: ¡°I think they would advise me to stay 4 the kids. They r moms and I know they would worry about the kids. They know I¡¯m not in love w/my husband. Of course they care about my happiness. As moms we do whatever it takes to protect our kids, even sacrifice our own happiness.¡± Upon reading this text, I couldn¡¯t believe the same women who left candles at our hotel room door would advise her to stay at this point¡ªthis didn¡¯t make any sense, not after five months have passed. Little did I know there was a piece missing to help aid my understanding, a significant piece that would alter my life forever. CHAPTER 22 ~ WHEN A HEART HEMORRHAGES ¡°I know you think that love is the way you make it. So, I don¡¯t wanna be there when you decide to break it.¡± ~ ¡°Love Bites¡± Def Leppard 2:47 p.m. ¡°R u mad at me?¡± I sat stunned into silence for minutes, unable to move¡ªmy stomach wanting to jump out from inside of my body. Her text marked the first time I truly doubted her as my consciousness, my past, my intuition, my mind, and my low self-esteem huddled up like a pack of wolves with voracious appetites to sink their teeth into all I ever believed in, all I ever trusted in, my very heart and soul, to gnash the passion particle into pieces. ¡°You fool, you¡¯ve really done it this time.¡± My head roared.¡± You would¡¯ve thought after Denise you had learned your lesson. Now you intend to still fight for her after she asked you to? If you do, you¡¯re going to break the hearts of their children and be crowned the king of all homewreckers. You should have known you never stood a chance the minute she showed you a picture of her four year old daughter riding a horse. Those kids have things you could never give them. Why would they ever agree, understand or even accept you? Even Anya¡¯s friends know you can¡¯t provide anything to them they don¡¯t already have. For her to be with you would be a monster downgrade socially and economically. Anya, the person who loves you, who believes in your silly little dream that love exists, lied to you. She doesn¡¯t believe in your kind of love at all, and it¡¯s obvious the less you know and the less you ask, the better off you both will be. Didn¡¯t you realize this? Couldn¡¯t you see this coming? She wasn¡¯t still with her husband because she feared no one would want to be with her because she had ¡°baggage¡±. Lance, the romantic singer didn¡¯t leave her because she had kids. She¡¯s there because she¡¯s well off and so are her kids! You should have known this! Not only would you be shaking up their environment, you would be ruining their lives! Anya feels her sacrifice is a solo one, and you won¡¯t be affected nor should you be affected. She thinks you should be able to shut off your feelings of love for her just like she did with her husband, and if you don¡¯t, you¡¯re not normal, you¡¯re sick. She believes you should have seen this coming. She allowed you to know her kids because she wants you to feel bad for wanting to be with her and responsible for destroying their lives if you are together. She is as dishonest as her husband. She¡¯s not out to destroy him, or her family, and she will not love you forever but ruin you forever. For her to tell you this now, almost a year later is as disrespectful and selfish as it gets because she should have told you this in the beginning when you first met, not after you poured your heart and soul into her. Her husband isn¡¯t going to leave her and she knew that before she got involved with you. This is a safe bet for her because she stands to lose nothing she hasn¡¯t already lost, while you lose all you ever believed in, all you ever hoped for and all you ever dreamt of. The only person who loses here is you. You need to cut your losses now. You are unloved anyway. The passion particle must die.¡± My unconscious, the innate, my hope, my heart, the passion particle met a brutal assault on a massive scale from all conceivable perspectives. I was deeply affected by her words, and yes I was upset, but mainly hurt by this revelation. I could not understand how she could tell me this now after all we shared, especially after Laguna Beach. As I sought some kind of chemical balance, I began to think about all the things she had ever said to or shared with me. In search of a different angle I took a deep breath and read her text again. ¡°This is what her friends would advise. It doesn¡¯t mean she would take it.¡± My heart reasoned. ¡° You¡¯re taking this way too personal because of your past. You¡¯re already in defense mode when you should be empathetic. You obviously don¡¯t want to hurt her children, and they are paramount here, but there is something her friends still don¡¯t know. They have no idea about your partner promotion and that you¡®d be able to take care of them so Anya¡¯s children could keep the things they already have, including the stability of where they live. Anya is in love with you and you need to trust that. She is not Denise, and she needs your compassion and understanding as much as you need hers. This is just another test and that¡¯s all it is. It¡¯s a test to see how you would react. Yes, it was hard to read, but you should know how much you mean to her. She shows you every day, Laguna Beach proved it, and again these are the views of her friends, and not necessarily Anya¡¯s views. She even abandoned her friends at Laguna Beach to be with you so what makes you believe she would be on board with them here? They don¡¯t know her pain and her struggles, but you do. This text is not what it seems. The unknown is a scary place for anyone and you have to be sensitive to Anya¡¯s feelings on that, but if you believe in yourself, if you believe in your love for her and you believe in the value you¡¯ve already added to her life, this will prove to be nothing. Things that are worth having in life are never easy so why would this be different? If you react to this negatively she will grasp onto it and probably never let it go. It¡¯s okay to store in the memory banks and to play it a little close to the vest, but don¡¯t let it destroy all you¡¯ve already built and shared with her. This text would bother any man who was truly in love with her, but a special man would just let it roll off his shoulders. Believe in her love. Pass this test. She needs your understanding more than ever.¡± Twenty minutes later, I finally broke down and responded to her text before I started my now much longer drive home from Hesperia as I was bound to hit some heavy traffic which furthered added to my misery. ME: ¡°I¡¯m sorry for the delayed response. Just wrapped up the rock quarry observation and am now heading back home. What r u up too?¡± ANYA: ¡°Working. Are u done for the day?¡± ME: ¡°Yes.¡± ANYA: ¡°I c.¡± I didn¡¯t hear from her for almost two hours after her last response. During the long drive home, I revisited her text again as I found it hard to understand how her friends, even after all they knew about how Anya felt about me, would still advise her to stay with a cheater. It left me to wonder if they knew something I didn¡¯t because something just seemed so out of place. Did I have it all wrong? Was Anya not allowed to be happy in life? Was it the role of all mothers, even in instances of gross infidelity, to stay married for the sake of the kids? When I got home I texted her to see how she was doing. ME: ¡°Are you still working?¡± ANYA: ¡°No. I¡¯m done for the day. Can u break for tea? I want to talk to u.¡± ME: ¡°I can break for tea. Where do u want to meet?¡± ANYA: ¡°Would u be willing to drive to the Good Morning Caf¨¦ and meet me there in thirty minutes? I have to leave by six.¡± ME: ¡°I¡¯ll see you in a half hour.¡± ANYA: ¡°K. C u in a bit.¡± I sensed she was either aware she may have text the wrong thing to me or upset with me for my late response. The last time I sent her a delayed reply she learned I was bothered by the fa?ade of her marriage. The fact she wanted to talk to air things out was one of the things I loved about her because in any successful relationship, people deserved a chance to understand one another. Anya realized we needed to talk in a face to face setting, and not through the often misinterpreted communication lines of a text message. Mutual honest communication was the key to any good relationship and imperative for us to have in this situation. I had always disliked talking on the phone, but because of the situation, the phone was our main outlet, and mostly our only outlet to communicate, and it increased the risk of our feelings at times to become easily lost in translation. I knew whenever I was silent however, I was like a Dr. Seuss book to her. I truly didn¡¯t know how to respond to this text from her, and I didn¡¯t want to respond on raw emotion, so I sat on it and let her words percolate before I text her back so I could look at them in both a dark and sunny sky. I had made a habit in the past of taking things too personally and I refused to do that with Anya. I felt secure in her love for me, but I was a little unnerved by her text. The fact she said ¡°as mothers we¡± made it hard to believe she wouldn¡¯t agree with them, and she should even feel obligated to stay for the sake of the kids because all good mothers would do so. Basically, if she were to choose a real love over a fake one, she would be a bad mother for doing so. I believed there were a few things wrong with this sacrifice of her happiness, though. The first problem was, her discontent was not the general unhappiness mostly all people in marriages go through. I felt her discontent was wholly justified because her husband promised to God and to her family, that he would ¡°honor and cherish¡± her until death do they part, the very essence of a marriage, yet he failed miserably to do so from the very onset. The second problem was she lived a dishonest life, one that existed under a cloud of deception. Not to mention, there was also a guy in her life before she met me so our love could not be a mistake. I felt this was something she needed to pay attention to, and if she didn¡¯t make a change this time around, I believed she would always live a lie and seek happiness through the company of other men. The third issue I had was her sacrifice of happiness was no longer a lone sacrifice, because now after all she allowed me to share, all she allowed me to know, all she allowed me to feel, that my happiness would be forfeited as well. When mothers decide to make sacrifices for their children, they don¡¯t allow others to be in their lives. Anya needed to realize her situation was not the same as Carolyn and Debbie, who had remained faithful. I preferred her to hurt me than her children, but there were things she told me that brought me here, to this point, and I felt if she stayed, she would give her children a false impression of what a marriage should really be. I felt she would basically be setting them up for unhappy marriages as well, even in instances of gross infidelity, and lead them to believe their marriage is normal because all marriages were unrealistic anyway. I further felt the sacrifice for the kids should have happened at the very latest, after she met the romantic singer, and not now. If I communicated these feelings though, it could upset her, and I feared that because I didn¡¯t want her to take it home to her kids, but I also realized I had to be honest with her if there was an issue. At the same time, I also couldn¡¯t give her anything to grasp. I had to look at her text in a way that she wanted me to fight for her and to change her thinking. To show her love and understanding, things her husband never did. I had to build a solid case for her to not sacrifice her happiness without letting my hurt get in the way. It was paramount, and I couldn¡¯t believe she¡¯d bring me this close if she truly thought she should stay, and I believed that wholeheartedly regardless of the sacrifice mothers made. It was my job to save her, to be her hero and to not be the broken hearted fool from my past. We agreed to meet in the parking lot behind the Good Morning Caf¨¦¡¯s small strip mall as it was a weekday evening and a lot of people could be out. I arrived about ten minutes early so I decided to take a chance and run in to grab her an unsweetened Passion Fruit Iced Tea. Two minutes later after I returned back to my car with our drinks in hand, she parked her car right next to mine. She smiled and waved when she saw me which settled the butterflies back into the net which was my stomach. She then jumped out of her car and I reached across my center console to open the door for her. When she sat down inside my car, a feeling reminiscent of the happiness in Laguna Beach consumed me, and I momentarily forgot what we were even here to talk about. Since there were quite a few people out, I asked her if she wanted me to drive around to find some place that would give us some privacy and she agreed. As my car meandered through the placid residential neighborhood, I quickly and luckily found a spot in a cul-de-sac near a small children¡¯s park replete with apparatuses and an abundance of sand. With no one to be seen, I pulled over to the side of the road near a long tall brick wall. When I brought my car to a rest, and turned off my engine, I gazed upwards into the gray clouds above us that began to further darken and merge to obscure the stars from our view. I then turned to Anya and was struck by her beauty. She wore a thin long sleeved light yellow top as her pristine black hair flowed just past her shoulders. As I tried to bring myself back to the reason we were here, I began to initiate the conversation. ¡°I¡¯m really sorry. Your text took me by surprise, and I didn¡¯t know how to respond to it.¡± I said as she gazed back at me with concern in her eyes. ¡°I guess I don¡¯t understand why they wouldn¡¯t advise you to leave knowing all they know even if they knew he cheated on you several times.¡± ¡°Just between us babe.¡± she said softly. ¡°They¡¯ve been cheated on by their husbands too.¡± ¡°I feared maybe they had. That¡¯s a shame.¡± I responded. ¡°Do they know for sure?¡± ¡°Debbie suspects but doesn¡¯t have concrete evidence. In Carolyn¡¯s case, definitely.¡± she revealed. ¡°Babe, if you could, please keep this conversation confidential.¡± ¡°Of course. Absolutely.¡± I said. ¡°How do they feel about their husbands though?¡± ¡°They are madly in love with their husbands.¡± ¡°They are? Really?¡± ¡°Yes.¡± ¡°I understand now why they would choose to stay; they have a reason to.¡± I said. ¡°That¡¯s why I was a little thrown off. Their unhappiness isn¡¯t the same as yours. It¡¯s not even close.¡± ¡°I think they would just ¡°advise¡± me to stay.¡± ¡°Even if they knew he had cheated on you and you were in love with another man?¡± ¡°They both support me, they adore you, and they know I¡¯m not in love with my husband.¡± She stated. ¡°but they don¡¯t support our relationship, and they think I should work things out with my husband.¡± ¡°Wait a second.¡± I said in disbelief. ¡°Even knowing I¡¯m in your life?¡± ¡°Yes.¡± That didn¡¯t make much sense to me. How could they feel that way knowing how much Anya cared about me and if they knew her husband had blatantly betrayed her several times? What was I missing? Carolyn was the one who met up with Anya when she and I met at the Pacific Grill last June. Why would she agree to do such a thing if she would just advise Anya to work on things with her husband regardless? Another thing that didn¡¯t register about this was how come both Carolyn and Debbie had shared the infidelities of their respective husbands with Anya yet she did not reciprocate? I thought this was common ground that brought them together. What was Anya protecting by not sharing her story as well? ¡°Please forgive me, but I¡¯m a little confused.¡± I said. ¡°What is it?¡± ¡°If they shared with you the information that their husbands had been unfaithful to them, how come you never shared anything with them about your husband¡¯s infidelities?¡± ¡°Well quite frankly, I don¡¯t think it¡¯s any of their business.¡± she said. ¡°And it wouldn¡¯t matter anyway so why paint a bad picture of someone?¡± I was flat out stunned by her response. She didn¡¯t want to paint a bad picture of him to them? Then why did she paint a horrid picture of him to me? Her answer just seemed neither consistent nor rational considering all she had told me about him, and I didn¡¯t know how to react because it caught me so off balance. Since I feared she would grasp at this, I decided best not to react at all. ¡°Okay.¡± I relented, nodding my head. I wanted to look away from her, but I didn¡¯t want her to sense my distrust about the rationale of her decision not to tell her close friends about his infidelities. I looked into her eyes and they never wavered as they appeared to beg for understanding from me, and not disappointment. I then began to rationalize that Anya had possibly not been honest with them about the depth of our relationship. I asked her if she told them she was in love with me and she told me she did, but since Anya had been untruthful by omission with them about her husband¡¯s trysts, I then began to believe Anya likely also omitted the seriousness of our relationship with them as well. I further suspected she probably led them to believe I had gone into this knowing it would not work out and that was why they pushed her towards her husband. I then began to worry they believed that all men were basically as heartless, inconsiderate, selfish, and unable of showing empathy like their husbands, and that my heart and my belief in love was nothing more than a sideshow; that I was not invested in our love even though my heart was greatly vested. If that¡¯s what they believed, then it would be something I had to learn to deal with, but I guess I always thought she told them that I was into our relationship deeply, and they adored me because they disliked the way Anya¡¯s husband treated her. I now found myself in a rather tough spot, like an astronaut floating freely in outer space with nowhere to go as a force with the power of gravity removed me from the world I knew and thrusted me into one that solely depended on her, my spacesuit, for survival. As much as she would rather die than never have me in her life, the feeling was absolutely mutual, and here I was almost six months later, and I learned things I shouldn¡¯t have had to at this point, like additional weight being bound to my body as I sank into a freezing sea. At the same time, with the knowledge I couldn¡¯t return back to the same place I was before, I had to find a way to survive where I now found myself. I had to find a way to grasp anything positive I could without questions and accept these terms, like being bound to the small fine print I missed in a contract I had already signed as without this pact, my life was over after all we shared. It was clear I had to bet my life on ¡°I love you forever¡± and her grace to survive. Furthermore, I had to truly believe and trust in it as my heart was now at her mercy as not only my happiness but also my life now depended on hers. Unauthorized usage: this narrative is on Amazon without the author''s consent. Report any sightings. This inconsistency brought this much to light for me; there was something drastically missing here. I knew I had to allow time to learn exactly what it was, but the question was now, did I really want to know and if so, did I really need to know? This all seemed just a bit out of place. As high as the divorce rates were in this country could it possibly be true that they were actually lower than they should be? ¡°Do we have an issue?¡± she asked. ¡°Are we okay?¡± ¡°We¡¯re okay.¡± I confirmed. ¡°I just needed some clarification.¡± ¡°Are you sure?¡± ¡°Well, I understand Carolyn and Debbie are happy in their marriages, are madly in love with their husbands and staying for the sake of the kids¡± I reasoned. ¡°but I know you aren¡¯t happy, you¡¯re not in love with your husband, yet also staying for the kids. I¡¯m not sure I understand that as much.¡± ¡°You could never understand what it¡¯s like to be a mother.¡± she sighed. ¡°Beautiful, you¡¯re absolutely right. I could never understand what it¡¯s like to be a mother. I could never carry a baby in my stomach for nine months, so I could never relate to what you feel for your children nor could I ever truly understand the bond between a mother and her child.¡± I broke, shaking my head. ¡°The main reason I decided to pursue a relationship with you was because I respect the fact you are a mother, and I felt for a man, your husband, to cheat on the mother of his own children while she was pregnant nonetheless was brutally unfair, and I wanted to give you a love you could truly trust. Even though your kids aren¡¯t mine, as much as I wish they were, I felt as a mother you deserve that and from what I¡¯ve grown to learn since I¡¯ve met you is how great of a mother you really are. How you always think of your kids before you think of yourself, and I love that about you; you¡¯re clearly a fantastic mom. The only part I can truly understand is that you¡¯re also a parent. I believe as a parent, you also must give your kids a fair representation of what life truly is because the one constant, and the greatest irony about life is that it will always change in some way. It will never stay the same. Even though I adore them too, the truth is Carolyn and Debbie have no idea what it¡¯s like to carry your unhappiness around day in and day out so please forgive me if I feel they are a little bit unqualified in offering that kind of advice to you without taking the same journey. Anya, I love you and I love you too much to allow you to just follow the crowd knowing all I know about your pain, your struggle and your sacrifices. Babe, they are madly in love with their husbands, but you¡­you are madly in love with me. That¡¯s why I feel this way, and that¡¯s why I had a hard time understanding your text. I don¡¯t think you realize your own pain because you¡¯ve been trying to shut it off for years, but there was a reason you were compelled to approach me almost a year ago; it was because you couldn¡¯t help it and that¡¯s something I feel they need to also consider. And yes, I will never understand what it¡¯s like to be a mother, and I would never stop you from being the wonderful one you already are, but as the man who loves you more than life itself, I¡¯m going to nudge you towards being a great parent too.¡± After I spoke these very words, with dampened eyes she leaned across my car¡¯s center console and came into my arms. We then began to kiss and as our sudden show of affection intensified, I could not only feel how much my words meant to her but also how much I did too. Five minutes later she then pulled away and began to laugh. ¡°You know Carolyn calls me ¡°native¡± all the time.¡± she revealed. ¡°How come?¡± I asked. ¡°Because I love coconuts!¡± she exclaimed. ¡°¡°I buy raw baby coconuts and drink them all the time! I have to crack them open like a ¡°native¡±! She makes fun of me!¡± ¡°I must admit it¡¯s pretty funny to visualize you siting there on the floor Indian style with a coconut in between your legs trying to crack it open on the ground.¡± I laughed. ¡°Oh stop! It¡¯s nothing like that!¡± she laughed. ¡°If you only knew some of the weird fruits I consume! I love durians, cherimoyas, and sapotes! More reasons to call me a ¡°native¡±!¡± ¡°Um¡­I have no idea what a sapote is, let alone a cherimoya or a durian.¡± I admitted. ¡°I¡¯ve only been exposed to bananas, apples and oranges in my life so far.¡± ¡°Well, I¡¯ll have to introduce them to you then, babe.¡± she said. ¡°I¡¯m sorry about the text earlier. Are we ok?¡± ¡°Of course, Sweetheart.¡± I told her. ¡°We¡¯re ok.¡± ¡°I love you.¡± she said as she leaned in to kiss me again. ¡°Forever.¡± ¡°I love you too, forever.¡± After our conversation went from a serious exercise to being in each other¡¯s arms, I felt a little bit better about where we stood on things. Before she left, she even made plans to come visit me at my place on Saturday evening. This was the Anya I knew and loved, the one who was empathetic, the one who listened, and at least tried to see my side of the issue. She didn¡¯t have to agree with me, and she had every right to be a mother. She was entitled to feel the way she did. I just wanted her to be cognizant that there¡¯s a reason I was in her life; that she allowed me to be here, even encouraged me to, and I was in this to be with her because she simply mattered too; that¡¯s why I gave us a chance. I sent her a text a half hour later to make sure she made it home okay, and I apologized to her for having to talk things over with me about the text. 6:40 p.m. ¡°Just don¡¯t give me a reason to call an emergency meeting! Sorry again! U were so yummy! I wanted to take my shirt off!¡± ME: ¡°I think we need to have emergency meetings more often!¡± ANYA: ¡°Yes we should! I melt when our bodies touch. I love you!¡± ME: ¡°You always look so beautiful. I loved the yellow sweater you wore today. Everything looks so good on you. Love your sense of fashion. ANYA: ¡°U looked really cute today! I love just chatting w/u! Ur so much fun! I¡¯m excited to see you on Saturday night! We don¡¯t have to drink if u don¡¯t want. It doesn¡¯t matter to me one way or another. I miss u.¡± ME: ¡°Even though I find you most intoxicating, I think we should drink! I miss u too!¡± ANYA: ¡°Ha! Good one!¡± ME: ¡°I still find it amazing we can gaze at each other and get lost so easily even after over five months of seeing each other.¡± ANYA: ¡°I truly love u. I look at u the way I do b/c I¡¯m totally mesmerized! I can¡¯t help it! I still can¡¯t believe u have never said ¡°Beautiful¡± to a girl before. R u really telling the truth about that?¡± ME: ¡°It¡¯s the first time I¡¯ve ever used it. I¡¯ve been with pretty and cute girls, but never one I considered to be beautiful. The word just comes out naturally whenever I see you because you just are. It¡¯s that simple. If you got to see yourself through my eyes, you would know how beautiful you really are. I still can¡¯t believe anyone would cheat on you.¡± ANYA: ¡°Wow! I don¡¯t know what to say. I¡¯m blown away! Thank you! I love you!¡± ME: ¡°I love you too! If we were married you¡¯d probably get sick of hearing that word from me.¡± ANYA: ¡°If we were married I would never leave your side and you would get sick of me! I love our energy!¡± ME: ¡°I think we have an incredible dynamic. Hard to imagine I¡¯d ever get sick of that babe. I¡¯d love having you by my side.¡± ANYA: ¡°When I hear the word ¡°Beautiful¡±, it goes through one ear and out the other. Whenever u say it or text it, it stops in mid-air for me. Do you understand mid-air? Strange.¡± ME: ¡°I¡¯m honest whenever I call you ¡°beautiful¡±. It¡¯s how I truly feel about you and if the situation was different. You would never doubt it.¡± ANYA: ¡°I believe u! Ur my best friend! We have good chemistry! I better say goodnight baby! I love you forever!¡± ME: ¡°Goodnight Beautiful! I love you forever too!¡± For me to open up my heart like this, let alone have the bravery to call a woman ¡°beautiful¡± was really a huge leap of faith for me under the circumstances. To leave my heart so exposed considering my prior luck with women was much less an act of courage than it was my belief in her love for me. I truly believed in our love and I trusted she was going to find a way to be with me like she always found a way to see me when she could, and if she had to, just like she did on this day. When Saturday night finally arrived, I was up early that morning to get my place Anya acceptable. I found it remarkable how her presence always brought new life into me, and how greatly I loved the world with her in my life as cleaning my apartment was not viewed as a chore. I even went out that day and purchased a piece of art, a painting of a pier with a sunset in the distance. Even from a guy¡¯s perspective it was hard to deny the tranquil mood and romantic ambiance the picture added to my room, especially if it rested between two wall candles. This special attention to romantic details also provided further evidence I was really in love. It was a rare weekend evening visit from her though, one we¡¯ve never had before, so that fact alone deserved more than the norm from me. After our memorable weekend in Laguna Beach, I wanted to keep up the momentum of our relationship as I never took anything for granted, and she deserved that kind of respect from me after all she did for us, especially after our conversation a couple of days ago. When she arrived at almost 7 p.m., she looked as beautiful as ever as I instantly flashbacked to the night I saw her at Republique when I thought my heart stopped. I never knew love could feel that way; that I would be absolutely floored by the sight of someone I had seen so many times before. Even though I didn¡¯t see her every day, I would have thought by now the happiness and excitement would have settled down somewhat yet every time I saw her, I felt like I had just seen a shooting star. In the same breath, I also felt like a tight rope walker, one slip, and I could fall to my death because at this point, if I lost her, it could be fatal simply because I couldn¡¯t go back to the life I had before I met her. Even though I truly felt this way, I knew I could never let her know how vulnerable I really was because I didn¡¯t want her to feel any sense of obligation in loving me. I wanted to be loved because she truly did, and not because it was a burden not to. At this point, whenever I considered her V-Day dinner and her trip to Spain, her excursion to Tenerife, it was much more difficult now to imagine her with another man, any man. It was a heavy weight to know the man who truly loved her more than life itself, saw her much less than the one who did not, and it burned me inside to know he was allowed to be that close to someone who knew what love was after all he had done. More often than not now, these realizations suffocated and paralyzed me at times, and I did a good job of hiding it, but it was pronounced in my mind, and I knew the closer Anya and I would become, the more weight would be added. If our relationship were to end, it would no longer now be about a broken heart, but a broken soul. We walked hand in hand through my complex and once we reached my apartment, we began to hold and kiss each other. Ten minutes later after we tempered our mutual show of affection and after I uncorked a bottle of wine, we perched ourselves on stools at my kitchen counter top. I worried about her drinking and driving so I didn¡¯t give her a generous pour, about a third of a glass, however I filled my glass nearly to its rim. We then talked about our week, how much fun in Laguna Beach we had together, how we¡¯ve missed each other since, and how we looked forward to Palos Verdes in just two days. Our talk did not take a serious tone, unlike our meeting just a couple of days prior, as we fed off our chemistry and energy, just beyond happy to be together again. I must have called her beautiful about ten times in a span of a half hour as the wine began to kick in. Every time I did so, Anya would turn shyly away then lean in to kiss me so it made it easier to do. Anya always seemed appreciative of the word and I meant it more and more after each time I said it. After my second glass, while she still worked on her first, we decided to take our conversation to my room. Upon our entry as I walked with my arms wrapped around her, she noticed the new additions to my room, and commented how much she loved the new picture and how romantic the burning wall candles were. As she began to take off her clothes, and I removed mine I walked over to my CD player on my nightstand. I had made a CD of the songs I enjoyed the most she had burned for me, and when Michael Buble¡¯s ¡°You and I¡± began to resonate in our ears we both climbed onto my bed as she crawled into my arms. We then started to kiss passionately, and when I felt her smooth cool skin upon mine our libidos started to intensify. Just when we reached the point of no return her phone suddenly began to vibrate. She then stopped to look at it, and once she did, she then turned to me with disappointment in her face. ¡°Babe, I have to take this call.¡± she said. ¡°It¡¯s him.¡± ¡°Okay.¡± I said as I rose from the bed quietly and turned off the CD player. ¡°I¡¯ll step outside to give you some privacy.¡± ¡°Okay, thanks babe.¡± she said with a look of surprise in her eyes that I even offered to. As I walked outside my room and lightly closed the door behind me, I didn¡¯t know how to feel. I wanted to be respectful but at the same time, I was not being respectful by being a part of this lie. I also didn¡¯t want to hear the conversation at all because if it centered around their children, the business, or especially each other, I felt it would greatly affect me, and the more I thought of those types of discussions, the more it bothered me that she took his call. However, I couldn¡¯t look at it that way because she had to give him the impression she wasn¡¯t seeing anyone. As these thoughts circulated, the depressant effect of the wine invaded my positive mind. The longer I waited, the more my negative mind took the wheel as I began to revisit her vexing texts such as her willingness to live with his infidelities before she met me, and what her friends would advise her to do regardless of his trysts. By the time the fifth minute passed since she took her phone call from him, I wondered how it was even possible she¡¯d be willing to sacrifice her happiness now after all we¡¯ve already shared; after all I was told about him. I then began to go back to her V-day dinner and Tenerife, specifically the Arts Hotel in Barcelona on the Mediterranean and I began to feel insecure, very insecure. By the tenth minute, I had visited my relationships with Lexi, Denise, Karyn, Sara and even my eight grade ¡°crush¡± as I pondered how I could trust in her love so easily when no one had truly loved me before. Why did she need to take this call? Why couldn¡¯t she just call him back in an hour? The depressant in two full glasses of wine blocked my ability to grasp onto anything positive as I was now in danger of giving her something to not only grasp, but to hold tightly. I then further reasoned why would she feel compelled to grasp anything if she was unhappy at home and she truly loved me? Was it possible that she truly was happy at home and hid that from me as well because she couldn¡¯t help it? After fifteen minutes of phone time with him passed, I was consumed by an onslaught of adverse thoughts, and with every second that ticked away, the more I realized there was something I had to know. A sixth sense inside, the intuitive, as my consciousness slammed on the gas to ignite the destructive thoughts throttling inside my head. Twenty-two minutes later, she appeared from behind my bedroom door and motioned for me to come back in. As I reentered the room, she lied down on my bed and grabbed my arms lovingly for me to position myself above her. We then began to kiss once again, but this time, right when we were about to go there, my conscience began to burn when I noticed the ring on her finger, the first time she had ever worn it to my place, as I now desperately needed to know something to put my heart hardening thoughts to rest. ¡°Can I ask you a question?¡± ¡°Sure, babe.¡± she responded, unalarmed. ¡°I hate to even ask you this, but I need to know. I¡¯m hoping you¡¯ll be honest about it.¡± ¡°What is it?¡± ¡°Do you and your husband still have sex?¡± Her soft brown eyes suddenly became lively as they widened and began to dart back and forth. I followed them intently as I waited for her answer. ¡°Yes.¡± she acknowledged. My head, then shoulders, sank as I turned my face away from her and into the same pillow her head rested on. I didn¡¯t know how to respond to an answer I did not expect to hear as the passion I felt for her that kept me together for nearly the last six months, my personal Higgs-Boson, began to pull me apart. ¡°I can¡¯t believe it.¡± I replied, shaking my head, dazed. ¡°I¡¯m sorry, but I¡¯m shocked.¡± ¡°I assumed you knew.¡± she deadpanned, equally if not more surprised. ¡°Anya, you told me you live like roommates. I¡¯ve had roommates before and not once have I ever slept with one. You told me you never kiss him. You told me you never say ¡°I love you¡± when he says it to you. You gave me the impression you were disgusted by him, not being intimate with him. I mean, my parents had never cheated on each other yet sleep in separate beds and in separate rooms so I had no idea you guys still slept together.¡± ¡°I have to go.¡± she said abruptly, slowly removing herself from under me before grabbing her clothes and frantically throwing them back on. I didn¡¯t realize my reaction may have scared her, and I didn¡¯t mean to cause her any fear as I recognized the way I was positioned above her may have added to it as well. I was also drunk and I¡¯m sure the confusion in my face and the pain in my voice spoke volumes, but wasn¡¯t I allowed to react to this news? How could she just assume I knew she still slept with him after all she told me about how she felt about him? I walked away from her to avoid being in a position of being hurt by the actions of someone I loved. I even told her I didn¡¯t want to fill a void, so how could she tell me she loves me so much and then do something that could only hurt me? If she wanted to truly be with me why would she continue to have sex with her husband? I guess she felt what I didn¡¯t know couldn¡¯t hurt me, but in my world, truth by omission was not truth, and she didn¡¯t spare my feelings at all by keeping that from me. Because the truth was, she was engaging in the greatest of all intimate acts with him, the man she told me she no longer loved. ¡°I¡¯m sorry Anya. I didn¡¯t mean to frighten you, but I asked you for brutal honesty from the beginning even if it hurt me.¡± I desperately explained. ¡°I think this is something I needed to know. Wouldn¡¯t you agree?¡± She did not acknowledge my words as she continued to get dressed and it was probably for the best because I don¡¯t believe she had an argument. I understood she couldn¡¯t help it. I understood she felt a great connection with me, but this is something I felt you¡¯re supposed to help in life. If she was willing to live with it and sacrifice her own happiness for the sake of her children then what would stop her from continuing to sleep with her husband? I could no longer keep this up. It was painfully clear I wasn¡¯t strong enough, and I could only save people who want to be saved. I was devastated when Denise left me for another man and this brought me back to the many lonely nights when I knew she wasn¡¯t alone. I never wanted to find myself in that position ever again and was the reason why I walked away from Anya. I trusted her to be honest with me so I could also make the best decision for myself. I trusted her not to allow me to fall deeply in love with her then learn something like this. It left me to question what else did I not know? What else had she not told me? I felt I deserved full disclosure from her in the beginning not only for myself, but also so I would not put her in a position to feel she was betraying him. I then began to question why she put me in a position to ask her these kind of questions when it was much harder now to do simply because I felt so much? Did she not know what love was? Did she not respect it? Does she understand how deeply it affects people? That some people are overtaken enough by it to ruin lives and even die for it? After all we shared I didn¡¯t understand how she could even share the same bed with him. How she could even look him in the eye after all we¡¯ve told each other and felt. How could she be so dishonest? This news just didn¡¯t make an ounce of sense to me whatsoever. After she was dressed, she then quickly exited my room. I was ready to just close my door and go to sleep, but I was concerned about her. Concerned she would go home to face her children, and I didn¡¯t want them to see their mother in that kind of state as I felt responsible. After I got dressed, I walked alongside her outside my apartment and through the complex. It was a quiet walk back to the gate, the first one we ever had in which we did not hold hands nor say a word to each other, a mood as dark as the sky above us. When she exited the complex¡¯s gate, I stayed with her and followed her until I reached her car to say good-bye to her, probably for the last time. She brought her face up to meet mine and her eyes were full of tears as she began to sob lowly yet uncontrollably. The tears rolled steadily from her cheeks as they flowed over my thumbs in a useless attempt to dry them. I then brought her in my arms and gave her a deep hug. As we broke away two minutes later, I brought her face up to mine. ¡°I love you.¡± she said with the saddest eyes I had ever seen. ¡°I love you. I want to be with you. I want to be with you. I want to be with you. I want to make love to you. I love you. I love you so much.¡± As she told me these things, I held her in my arms, and we began to kiss passionately as if it was for the last time. Under an observant moon, I felt and tasted her tears as they trickled down my face and upon my lips. With our trip to Palos Verdes only two days away, the fact remained that I wasn¡¯t built for loving someone who shared intimacy with another. Even though I loved her, even as greatly as I did, our passion for each other would never survive that and neither would our love. Even though I wasn¡¯t ready to end things with us at this moment because it broke my heart to see her this way, I knew I had to as soon as the sun rose as the death of my hopes, wishes and dreams were upon me. CHAPTER 23 ~ A PIECE OF HEAVEN ¡°I reached inside myself and found nothing there to ease the pressure off my ever worried mind.¡± ~ ¡°The Sun Always Shines on T.V.¡± A-HA As I returned from the most emotional evening of my existence, under an unforgiving cold dark sky, and into an empty apartment of galactic silence, I slumped into my brown recliner unable to move, absolutely riddled with self-destructive thoughts. My head simply did not love me; a vicious vehicle encased in my skull who loved to run me over each time I ever tried to get back up, time and time again. I felt like such a fool to believe sex wasn¡¯t taking place between them, and here I was perfectly loyal to her even in my thoughts, and she was unfaithful to me. I mean, it got me around to thinking even though my parents slept in different beds, I wouldn¡¯t really know if they were intimate or not, but even so, at least my mother and father remained faithful to each other. What made her feel compelled to not kiss him yet have sex with him? Did he force himself upon her? Does she have a drinking problem? To imagine her giving an ounce of herself to him after all she told me about him, after all we had shared, made me literally sick to my stomach as I began to vomit the wine I drank earlier. How could she even allow me to feel a single thing for her if that was still going on especially when I initially walked away from her because she was married? Why did she tell me about his infidelities and her resentment yet still allow him to have her in that way after I had made the huge sacrifice of being in her life? Why did she tell me I broke her heart if that was going on? I felt like a rat first suffocated then slowly dissolved into the belly of a snake. Was I not supposed to ask? Was I not supposed to know? As much as she told me and showed me she loved me, that dynamic between them seemed such an impossibility. Was I taking this too personally? I mean, after all they are married, but if she respected her marriage why was she seriously involved with me for almost six months now? I honestly didn¡¯t know how to feel or what to think; I knew this pain but not to this extent, and this uncomfortable feeling inside my gut made it impossible to ignore. She told me she was ¡°numb¡±; no feelings, but this told me otherwise. Now I understood better why her husband would fight for her. Why he thought she wasn¡¯t there for the sake of the kids, and really who was I to get in his way? Out of all the men out there, all the douchebags who use women, who cheat and who play with their hearts, why did she choose me to hurt? As these torturous thoughts gained steam, I heard my phone¡¯s text tone ring and saw a blinking red light. It was the first time I lacked excitement to receive a text from her, but I couldn¡¯t hide the fact especially after how she left, and the words she spoke to me through her tears, I greatly cared. 10:05 p.m. ¡°I¡¯m really sad. R u ok?¡± ME: ¡°I¡¯m okay. Please don¡¯t be sad.¡± ANYA: ¡°Can¡¯t help it.¡± ME: ¡°It was tough to hear, it hurt, but I don¡¯t want you to be sad.¡± ANYA: ¡°Don¡¯t want to hurt u anymore.¡± ME: ¡°Please don¡¯t worry about me. I¡¯m ok. I was just surprised. I¡¯m sorry I even asked, but the alcohol got the best of me.¡± ANYA: ¡°I¡¯d still like to meet on Monday if u want. U looked so cute tonight. Didn¡¯t want to go home so made arrangements for my son. Met up w/Carolyn.¡± ME: ¡°I still want to meet you on Monday too.¡± ANYA: ¡°Ok I¡¯m glad baby. I don¡¯t think I¡¯ll get much sleep tonight.¡± ME: ¡°Please don¡¯t be sad or worry. It¡¯s not worth losing sleep over.¡± ANYA: ¡°I¡¯m so sorry. Katie is on her way home and I¡¯ll be leaving here soon. I love u.¡± ME: ¡°I love u too.¡± ANYA: ¡°Forever?¡± ME: ¡°Forever. Forever?¡± ANYA: ¡°Forever!¡± ME: ¡°Haha! Ok then. Goodnight Sweetheart.¡± ANYA: ¡°Goodnight Love.¡± As much pain I was in, her happiness meant more to me than my own as it was simply integral to hers. I didn¡¯t want to make her feel sad, I loathed to see a single tear fall from her eyes knowing I was the cause, and it broke my heart more than the news she gave me earlier. I felt bad about asking what I did because the timing was awfully wrong. Even though I had the right to know, I was wrong by asking her in the manner and at the time in which I chose to. It put her in a real bad spot, and I had to give her a ton of credit. At a moment like that she could have easily lied, in a situation many women in her situation would have, yet she instead chose to tell me the truth. Also in her defense, I would have been caught off guard by my reaction too, but in my defense I went out of my way to be loyal to her, and to make every experience we shared together special. A lot of men would have hit it and quit it in this situation because they easily could of, but I loved her dearly, and I couldn¡¯t deny it along with the fact I feared losing her because I know what I would return to; a life with zero meaning. Without her love or the belief that she truly loved me, my life was exit stage left. She just meant that much to me now. The fact she still slept with her husband wasn¡¯t going to stop me from loving her and trying to make this relationship work, but at the same time, it was impossible to ignore the tremendous strain it put on a heart that now bled steadily. She was my everything and to imagine her in the arms of another man, especially him of all people, made this a lot tougher than I ever envisioned, but this was my reality now as I was like a deep sea diver who learned his gear was suddenly inoperable and now did not have enough time to reach the surface to survive the bends. Twenty minutes later my phone¡¯s text tone came to life once again. 11:16 p.m. ¡°It¡¯s me again. Haven¡¯t stopped thinking about you. I love u so much. Sorry, goodnight again.¡± After I read this last text, I smiled then closed my eyes and surprisingly fell asleep. The next day, a Saturday, Anya text me at various times that afternoon. 1:34 p.m. ¡°I hope ur having a nice day. I miss u.¡± 1:38 p.m. ¡°R u ok?¡± 1:53 p.m. ¡°I¡¯m ok.¡± 2:17 p.m. ¡°I love you forever.¡± I was just grateful it was a weekend for me, one in which I didn¡¯t have to work as my vacation also began this week which afforded me some sulking time in the privacy of my one bedroom apartment, an area that felt more and more like a jail cell due to the mental paralysis I experienced. It tore me apart inside, so much so I didn¡¯t even want to go outside as I searched for a way to not let it bother me, but here I was pushing Anya to be true to herself yet I refused to practice what I preached. The following day I decided to take a drive to go visit my parents as the event of two evenings ago dug further into my mind. I just needed a mental breather, and thought maybe I could bum a couple of Vicodin off my mom to help me deal with the crater inside as it further deepened and widened. I arrived just before dinner time, as my dad was just out the door to grab some food for them. Even though he offered to pick something up for me as well, my stomach still wouldn¡¯t allow me to enjoy a meal, so I declined and when he drove off, I went directly into my mother¡¯s room. Upon my entry she sat at the edge of her bed watching ¡°Sleepless in Seattle¡± for what had to be an official Guinness Book of World Record, but when she saw me Tom Hanks and Meg Ryan were abandoned in order to give me a hug. When she returned to the edge of her small one person bed, I stood before her with my request. ¡°Hey mom, could I grab a couple of Vicodin from you?¡± I asked. ¡°Is your back bothering you again?¡± ¡°Yeah.¡± I lied as it was actually my heart that bothered me. ¡°Just two.¡± she said. ¡°Why do you always say ¡°just two¡±?¡± I asked. ¡°I don¡¯t want any more than a couple.¡± ¡°Well, they¡¯re opiates and they can be extremely addicting.¡± ¡°I don¡¯t have a mind that¡¯s dependent on drugs mom, come on now.¡± I stated my case. ¡°I would be an alcoholic by now if I was, right? I can drink quite a bit on occasion, but I never crave alcohol.¡± ¡°Well, this might work differently on you.¡± ¡°I highly doubt it.¡± I said dismissively as I took two pills from her pill box and showed them to her. ¡°Thanks.¡± ¡°What brings you here, Honey?¡± she asked as her smile and eyes widened. ¡°I just wanted to get out of the house for a little while.¡± I said as I grabbed a bottle of water from her cabinet to take with one of the pills. ¡°I needed to clear my head.¡± ¡°Oh, ok.¡± she said. ¡°How¡¯s Anya?¡± ¡°She¡¯s fine.¡± I said. ¡°How are you guys doing?¡± ¡°We¡¯re fine, Mom. We¡¯re fine.¡± I said. ¡°How are you feeling? Health wise? Are you okay?¡± ¡°Well, besides my arthritis, I¡¯m okay.¡± she said. ¡°You have arthritis?¡± I asked in disbelief. ¡°I thought only elderly people had arthritis.¡± ¡°I have bone cancer, Landy.¡± she reminded me. ¡°Not to mention, I¡¯m sixty-one now too you know.¡± ¡°Mom, don¡¯t you have to at least be in your eighties to get arthritis? I thought only people in their eighties get that?¡± ¡°When you get bone cancer that can change in a hurry.¡± she explained. The way my mother lived her life, you would never believe she had cancer. The house was spotless and she walked around without a care in the world. She did it with such ease at times I felt she pretended to have it to get sympathy from my father or me. It also was entirely possible she never had it because she had ¡°beaten¡± it so many times. I saw the movie ¡°Terms of Endearment¡± and cancer seemed pretty final, but somehow she made it seem like it was just the common cold. As I stood there though, and started to pay attention to her room, I noticed for the first time how her struggle surrounded me. On the outside of her closet door hung a pink and white banner that had ¡±Hope¡± in large letters surrounded by the words ¡°Believe¡± written no less than ten times in smaller letters. Three different sized styled crosses graced her room and a small statue of the mother Mary with a baby Jesus in her arms stood proudly on her dresser. On a shelf across from her dresser she had three books, ¡°The Book¡±, the ¡°New American Standard Bible¡± and ¡°The Bible Study and Prayer Book¡± next to a bookend of the praying bust of the Mother Mary. Next to this bookend was a small framed picture of Jesus with his arms and eyes pointed to the heavens, and below this particular shelf hung a single picture that contained a pink cross, a pink ribbon and a pink rose with a written affirmation titled ¡°In God¡¯s Hands¡± which read the following. ¡°As I face cancer, I affirm that God¡¯s love and that He loves me. I affirm that God is greater than what I am facing. I affirm that God will never leave me or forsake me. I affirm that God is my strength, my life and my healer. I affirm that God holds me and that my life is in His hands. O¡¯ Lord my God, in You I take refuge and put my trust.¡± ~ Psalm 7:1 My mother¡¯s life revolved around God, and her belief in Him. She introduced me to Him when I was a child, but life and education steered me away from the teachings of the Bible. I considered myself agnostic, the ¡°I¡¯ll believe just in case¡± religion, but a college education and the injustices of the world aided in my true belief He did not exist. If he did, there was no way a loving God would allow the things to happen here that do. I believed the Bible to be an important reference point and I applied it to Anya¡¯s situation to justify my relationship with her, but God never did my mother justice to fill me with faith, and her Cancer did not appear to be worthy of her love for Him. There were many times I argued this point with her, and regardless if logic prevailed, she believed and trusted His plan for her. I never understood His plan to make her sick, and I rebelled against that, but at the same time I refused to argue with her about it because it was not my place to take something away from her that gave her strength. Her belief in Him alone that surrounded me at the moment justified my decision to just leave it alone. After I did this brief inventory, I smiled at her before I finally found my seat in a dulled pink recliner chair right beside her bed as we began to watch ¡°Sleepless in Seattle¡± together. I shamefully felt like the one with cancer as I sat there, and I began to envy my mother as she found enjoyment in just the simple things in life like a movie she had seen a trillion times. I began to rock slowly as I felt just like the bland colored chair before I gave it a purpose; worn, empty and beaten while the torturous thoughts resumed as I couldn¡¯t believe Anya still slept with her husband. Why wouldn¡¯t she tell me that or at least drop me some kind of hint? How could she assume I knew? How could she assume I would want to fall in love with someone who gave themselves to someone else? Here I was so loyal, completely faithful, and I know I didn¡¯t have to be, but I loved her so much it was easy to be. She was the only person I imagined myself making love to since we reconnected almost six months ago. I couldn¡¯t help but wonder how she could feel anything remotely close for me that I feel for her because if she did, wouldn¡¯t she find it impossible to sleep with her husband? How would it be possible to shut off her feelings for me to fake it with him? How was that possible if she truly loved me at all? As I suddenly became overburdened with these thoughts as they churned like a category five hurricane inside my skull, I did the absolutely unthinkable, and the utterly unimaginable. ¡°Last night..." I paused for a second. "Last night I found out Anya still sleeps with her husband.¡± ¡°Oh.¡± my mom replied, as her facial expression turning downcast. ¡°I put her in a real uncomfortable spot last night, but I think I needed to know. I asked her at a very inappropriate time. She had her back against the wall, and she told me she did. I mean she could have easily lied, but at least she was honest about it.¡± ¡°I don¡¯t know what to say, Honey. I¡¯m sorry.¡± ¡°Well, I know what you¡¯re thinking and it¡¯s fair, but before she left my place she was in tears and she kept saying over and over¡­¡±I love you.¡± I want to be with you.¡± I trust her. I believe her.¡± I further stated. ¡°I know without a doubt she¡¯s in love with me and not him. I feel secure in that, but it still hurts, you know.¡± ¡°I think it¡¯s normal to feel that way.¡± she assured. ¡°Can I ask you a strange question?¡± ¡°So, it¡¯s a normal question from you?¡± She replied, a bit on guard. ¡°No¡­it¡¯s a little off base than my usual questions.¡± ¡°What is it?¡± ¡°You and Dad don¡¯t still have sex¡­do you?¡± I asked, cringing inside. ¡°Me and your father?¡± ¡°No, you and the next door neighbor. ¡° I joked. ¡°Yes. You and Dad. Do you guys still¡­you know.¡± ¡°All the time.¡± ¡°What?¡± ¡°We do it in every room.¡± ¡°Oh come on! That is so wrong, Mom!¡± ¡°What¡¯s wrong with that?¡± ¡°What¡¯s wrong with that?¡± I said mortified. ¡°Everything!¡± ¡°Your father and I aren¡¯t dead you know.¡± ¡°I know but I guess I was hoping you guys didn¡¯t.¡± ¡°Well, we haven¡¯t in years.¡± ¡°How many?¡± ¡°Since I lost my breast.¡± ¡°Oh.¡± I said with unexpected sorrow to know the last time was at least fifteen years as I began to swell inside with a sudden disdain for my father. ¡°It¡¯s not your father¡¯s fault.¡± she stated. ¡°I didn¡¯t want to.¡± ¡°Is that true?¡± ¡°When you lose a part of what makes you, well¡­that makes you, you. I don¡¯t know. I just didn¡¯t feel the same about it. Your father wanted to, but I didn¡¯t.¡± If you stumble upon this narrative on Amazon, it''s taken without the author''s consent. Report it. All I could do was nod affirmatively as I didn¡¯t know what to say. If I had lost a part of me; an essential physical feature of my sexuality, I would be less inclined to sleep with my significant other too. I¡¯d feel like they were faking it to please me, and I wouldn¡¯t have wanted that. I hoped for some mental solace from the answer to my question, but it left me feeling even more depressed than when I arrived. ¡°I¡¯m sorry I asked you that question. To be honest, what she revealed to me just ripped me to shreds. I would have not gotten involved if I had known that was going on. You know how my heart works. It¡¯s not made for this sort of thing.¡± I said. ¡°But I love her to pieces. She¡¯s the best thing that¡¯s ever happened to me.¡± My mother looked at me and I could see the sadness in her eyes. She saw a Landyn over the last six months she never saw before, a Landyn who was truly happy. In my thirty seven years of life I never spoke of love with her nor had I talked about even being content with life, but for the first time in nearly six months she saw the Landyn who used to walk with his head down in public. It was clear to her, regardless of the grounds in which my relationship stood upon, she saw how this love breathed life into me. For the first time in years my head was up, but now it began to bow again, and it was then she shared with me a different perspective, one I never considered because it was simply a side I¡¯ve never been on. ¡°How long has she been married now?¡± ¡°Fifteen years.¡± I informed her. ¡°Fifteen years this June.¡± ¡°Well, when you¡¯re married fifteen years Landy, it¡¯s not the same.¡± she said. ¡°It¡¯s almost like fulfilling a need more than anything. Everyone has needs sometimes. She can¡¯t be with you so she has to settle. Have you guys been intimate sexually?¡± ¡°I¡¯ve been hesitant to because of the heavy feelings. When we part it¡¯s hard on both of us, and she has to go home to face her kids and her husband.¡± I said. ¡°Now, it¡¯s going to be a lot tougher because I want her to experience it only with me.¡± ¡°After fifteen years, trust me Honey, he¡¯s old hat to her, and even with all the love you feel for her, as hard as it is to believe, she¡¯s old hat to him too, otherwise he would¡¯ve never strayed.¡± ¡°That¡¯s hard to believe, she¡¯s so beautiful.¡± I said. ¡°Did you think she wasn¡¯t sleeping with him?¡± ¡°Of course, especially knowing you and Dad sleep in different beds in different rooms and you¡¯ve never cheated on each other before. I thought she slept out on the couch in the living room you know? Alone and sad, but I guess what does she tell the kids if she does that?¡± ¡°She could tell them daddy snores too much and that¡¯s why she sleeps outside.¡± she told me. ¡°I suppose so.¡± ¡°Landy, it¡¯s probably just sex, and it¡¯s more to fill a need than anything to be enjoyed. When you have kids, things change. Everything changes.¡± I took a deep sigh to release the stress I felt over our conversation. ¡°Thanks, I think I need to look at things from a different perspective, and not just my own, here.¡± ¡°Try not to be like every other man out there, Honey.¡± she instructed. ¡°She¡¯s already got one.¡± I chuckled then nodded. ¡°I''ll do my best.¡± I told her. I appreciated the angle my mother gave me. It wasn¡¯t easy for her to do, but she knew how it affected me. She also didn¡¯t want to sugarcoat anything yet she knew what I was in search of. She saw the positive change in me over the last six months; she intimately knew this change in me, and regardless of the circumstances she could tell it brought me closer to God because of all the love it brought forth inside me. I believed she told me all she did because she didn¡¯t want to alter the love within me; the love for myself and for another. When I left the house that day, I felt better not because of a pill but simply because of the most cringe worthy question any son or daughter could ever ask their parent. Anya and I decided to meet at ten thirty in the morning at a coffee shop right off the coast of Palos Verdes, a spot I found on my drives over the years but never had the chance to go to until now. I thought we could meet there then take a drive along the coast, or go for a hike on one of the trails down to the water. I never ventured on the trails much so I couldn¡¯t say I knew my way around, and knowing my luck I¡¯d probably get us lost so I hoped for just a drive along the coast to avoid any embarrassment. As I drove along the PV coastline, I thought about the unpredictable day before me. As much as I loved her, I was in over my heart. Of course, it was easier said than done to end our relationship, because I knew if I did end things between us, I¡¯d never trust another woman again. To love someone this deeply, a love you knew was a forever kind of love, another woman in my life never stood a chance because I knew how love should feel now, and if I ever fell again, I knew it would take years before I genuinely would be ready to open myself up to trusting again. My heart was like the ground after a crater created by an extremely dense meteor made contact, it just will never be the same again. I arrived at the coffee shop in Palos Verdes an hour early to scope the place out before she arrived. The first thing I noticed was the vast empty patio area replete with chairs and fire pits that overlooked the entire coast. Not only was it majestic but perfect for any conversation we could have. Since it was a Monday morning, most people were in and out for it was a workday, and didn¡¯t have the time to lounge out in the patio area. Even though the sky was completely overcast, the view of the endless ocean in front of me filled the air with promise. After I grabbed a hot green tea for myself and an unsweetened passion iced tea for her, I pulled together two chairs and a small table for us as I stressed over what we¡¯d talk about before she arrived. Even though I had planned to present my ¡°essay¡± to her, and had it for the most part memorized, I still didn¡¯t know if it was the best time to present it. I had to refocus, and try not to get caught up in the drama of two nights ago, and I felt it was impossible to do on her visit. Even up to the very minute she arrived, I had no idea how the day was going to go, but I honestly believed at the end of the day, as much as I loved her, and even with the positive message I took from my mother, I felt we would end our relationship. My heart was in it; I just didn¡¯t believe it could take it. There comes a time in life when sometimes we have to say good-bye to the things we love the most in and about life, and this was how I began to feel about us. There also comes a time when we have to look ourselves in the mirror and realize we may be living a dishonest life. I didn¡¯t like the fact Anya lived a dishonest life and I had now become a part of it. My job as the man she loved and as the man who loved her was to bring her into the realm of honesty and out from under the cloud of deception, and if I couldn¡¯t do that, it was better to know now than later. I had to find out if she planned to stay under this cloud or she planned to come out from under it; into the sunshine of the truth, but I had to find out today, even if it cost me the world I now knew, and after what I learned a couple of nights ago, it was clear the time was now. An hour later, on time as always, she appeared in the patio right before me, next to the empty chair. She had her sunglasses on and looked gorgeous as her dark wavy hair hung perfectly along the sides of her face. I then rose to hug her and I made sure she was seated before I sat down next to her. She smiled at me and didn¡¯t say a word as she sat down to take a look at the view before us, far across the open Pacific Ocean as the water seemed to dance for us under the gray clouds of the day and of the moment. As she began to look back in my direction, I was at a loss for words, not because I didn¡¯t have anything to say, but because I didn¡¯t know what to say. My mind was in limbo, like a ghost, bound to her like the earth; lost, unsure of what exists and what doesn¡¯t anymore yet in denial but full of hope. Before I could say something to alter the waves of sound, she spoke first. ¡°How are you?¡± she asked softly as she turned to me. ¡°I¡¯m okay. How are you?¡± ¡°I¡¯m okay. Nervous.¡± she said as she looked again at the ocean before her. ¡°I¡¯m not sure what to expect today.¡± ¡°Me too.¡± I admitted. ¡°I love you, Landyn.¡± ¡°I love you too.¡± I said. ¡°That¡¯s why it was so hard for me to hear. I have feelings for you now, Anya -- deep ones. I¡¯m affected by something like this now.¡± ¡°It¡¯s just sex, babe.¡± she said. ¡°I know, I understand that, and I¡¯m sure you¡¯re fulfilling a need there I can¡¯t fulfill when you need it, but it¡¯s also a form of intimacy though. What is so easy for you to say is hard for me to feel.¡± I said. ¡°You have nineteen years with this man. You have history, two children with him, and something leads up to those moments you have with him. Moments I feel you led me to believe weren¡¯t happening at all. If I was dating someone and I told you we had sex, and that¡¯s all it was, how would you feel about that especially if you deeply loved me? Sweetheart, I look to you for guidance. I put my complete trust in you. I don¡¯t understand why you wouldn¡¯t tell me that was going on.¡± ¡°I guess I felt some things were better left unsaid.¡± she told me. ¡°Babe, it¡¯s not what you think. I don¡¯t feel anything for him. There¡¯s nothing left after all he¡¯s done, and I¡¯ve never felt anything close with him, for him to what you consider to be ¡°intimacy¡± as what I¡¯ve felt with you, for you.¡± ¡°I¡¯m just a different kind of man, a bit old-fashioned I guess, and I see this through a distorted lense. I¡¯ve never slept with anyone unless I had enormous feelings for them, and it¡¯s hard for me to relate. I apologize for that. I would probably be more tolerant if I was the kind of guy who got laid often, but I don¡¯t. It¡¯s just the way I am. When I walked away from you the first time, this was the reason why. It wasn¡¯t because I didn¡¯t think the world of you, I was drawn to you on day one, but it was because I felt so much already and I didn¡¯t want to get hurt like I did in my last relationship. I didn¡¯t want to feel the pain of someone I cared about sharing intimacy with anyone else but me.¡± ¡°It¡¯s just sex, Love. That¡¯s all it is.¡± she soothed. ¡°It¡¯s a chore more than anything else.¡± ¡°Do you sleep naked in bed?¡± ¡°No. I¡¯m in my bra and panties.¡± ¡°I still wouldn¡¯t be able to keep my hands off of you.¡± I told her, truthfully. Anya, suddenly removed her sunglasses and leaned in to kiss me as the look in her weak eyes told me what I said held value to her. I could see she looked tired as if she had cried for the last couple of days, and it broke my heart to see that. I think what hurt me the most was the realization that after I was loyal to her, she wasn¡¯t loyal to me, and even though she was technically married, I felt for her to honor that part of her marriage while dishonoring it was wrong after all we had shared, all she had told me. If I had been in her life for five weeks then I could understand better but not after five months. I had to give her credit though; she was honest with me about it when I asked. She could have lied as I had her in a precarious position but she chose to tell me the truth regardless of the consequences, and that carried some weight. ¡°Thank you for my tea.¡± she said before slowly pulling away and then taking a sip from her cup. ¡°You¡¯re welcome.¡± I replied. ¡°When you went to Carolyn¡¯s afterwards what did she think? Was she upset with me?¡± ¡°No, she agreed with you about asking me about it. She said she would want to know too.¡± she said. ¡°You know, my husband told me one time he would end his life if I ever left him.¡± ¡°Well, we know he¡¯s obviously not playing with a full deck if he cheated on you, but do you think he would actually take his life?¡± I asked with concern. ¡°No, I don¡¯t.¡± she informed me. ¡°He has too much going for him. He would never do it.¡± ¡°Good.¡± To learn her husband now resorted to emotional blackmail made me dislike him even more than I already did. It was bad enough to cheat on your wife many times but even just as bad, if not worse, was to make her feel responsible for your infidelities if she chose to be with someone who truly loved her and someone who truly respected her feelings. Not only that, to take his own life with two children in his life who adored him would be killing three people all at once, and would be his most selfish act in a history of selfish acts yet he would pin the blame on their mother by taking his life, the woman he cheated on numerous times. His narcissistic behavior shone brightly to me at this moment more than any other and after I received this information I began to fantasize about the opportunity to talk to him one day and to reveal who I was, why I was here and what I stood for. The more she told me about him, the more I felt justified by being in her life, and I was ready to teach the entire family what love, a marriage, and a real family based on love was truly all about when and if the time came. ¡°It¡¯s so beautiful here¡± she broke. ¡°It¡¯s quite astonishing.¡± ¡°Yes, it is.¡± I concurred. ¡°Even though the sky is pretty dismal you can feel the warmth of the sun behind the clouds.¡± ¡°Do you know of any trails that can take us down to the water?¡± ¡°It¡¯s been years since I¡¯ve been this way.¡± I honestly revealed. ¡°Are you down for a little adventure?¡± ¡°With you, always.¡± she said. ¡°Shall we?¡± I stated before I rose from my chair. I hated to leave such a glorious spot with its beautiful view of the ocean behind especially when I had no clue how to get down to the water or where a trail even existed. Eighteen years had passed since the last time I was here, when a cop decided to pull up on my conservative girlfriend, Sara as she was changing into her bikini inside my car, but I knew where I was headed then, and I had no idea where I was headed now. The only certain thing I knew at this time was uncertainty. To say the least my clothing did not scream ¡°Hey, I got an idea. Let¡¯s go hiking!¡± as I sported a long sleeved shirt along with a pair of blue jeans because of the overcast low sixty degree conditions. Anya, on the other hand, wore a light purple sundress with flip flops, which made it clearly apparent one person was more prepared on a search for a trail more than the other. When we arrived at my car, I opened the door for her to let her inside then closed her door. When I entered my car she leaned over the center console to kiss me as it was nice to taste her lips again without the saltiness of her tears. We then smiled at each other as we began our journey to the nearest trail I could find. There were only a couple of spots to park along the rocky Palos Verdes Coast, but I thought it could indicate there was a trail nearby. The first spot I came across had no parking spots, which left me to venture down the winding road a mile further. The land off the cliffs of Palos Verdes was in constant movement and it wasn¡¯t out of the realm of possibility the road could suddenly disappear beneath us and fall into the sea hundreds of feet below. I didn¡¯t want to alarm Anya by telling her this tidbit of information though because it was unlikely, but we were out on a real adventure here. A mile further we came upon a spot called Abalone Cove. The parking lot was completely empty and since I feared this would be our only chance at finding a trail, I decided to park there. What lied on the trails below us escaped my knowledge, but I thought the worst kind of preparation was to be unprepared. After we got out of the car, I went to my trunk and took out a couple of large light blue and white beach towels and a small cooler full of bottled water and Coronas for us. When Anya saw the towels a large smile broke on her face and she thanked me three times, thoroughly surprised I did such a thing as her reaction to the simple gesture was the real surprise. ¡°I don¡¯t know if we¡¯ll find a place to sit at but in case we do.¡± I reasoned. ¡°You¡¯re the best.¡± she said as she leaned in to kiss me. After we walked parallel to the ocean hundreds of feet below us for about five minutes, we came upon a trail that appeared to be fairly steep but did wind downward toward the water. I then worried about Anya hurting her ankle as she had done so many times running, but the excitement in her eyes and voice when we spotted the track gave me some assurance she could manage it. If she did hurt it however, I felt I could carry her back to the car if I had to, in fact, I would have been honored to do so. As we began our trek down the trail, surrounded by various dull green and brown bushes with budding flowers, the path took a sudden steep turn and we had to walk sideways just to keep our balance going forward. As we kicked up dust, dirt and twigs on our way down, in the most remarkable moment of my life we came upon a completely clean and private small beach. ¡°I don¡¯t believe this.¡± I said in wonder. ¡°I can¡¯t believe this.¡± ¡°You didn¡¯t know this was here?¡± ¡°I had no idea.¡± I said as I looked at her as we both watched the sun suddenly break free from its bondage of the clouds to shine upon the sand below us. ¡°I guess it was just meant to be.¡± ¡°I think it was babe.¡± she said. ¡°Just like us.¡± For some reason, things always had a way of working out for Anya and I. At a time we needed it the most. At a time we possibly neared our end, the skies literally opened up for us and turned from gray to blue as we stumbled upon our own beach, our very own secluded paradise as if someone upstairs rooted for us. The timing of the moment meant everything as we desperately needed to be surrounded by beauty to see the beauty we found in each other. No place on earth, including Laguna Beach and Tenerife could compete against what the heavens bestowed upon us, as two hearts that beat against each other now began to beat as one, once again. I then grabbed a Corona for both of us once I sat the cooler down as we looked out upon an entertaining ocean that seemed to be excited we were there. Still in disbelief, I looked around and again took notice we were alone, as I was left in complete awe how a place so beautiful, even on a Monday morning, could be so empty. There was no way I could have planned this without divine intervention of some kind, and if I didn¡¯t actually live it I would never believe this event actually took place. Before I could lay a towel down for her, Anya decided to take a seat and dug her feet in the sand instead. With her care free spirit on full display, my heart almost stopped again as she then turned to me with her beautiful black wavy hair while it blew gently in the soft ocean breeze and a huge comforting warm smile. ¡°I did good, right?¡± I probed, jokingly. ¡°You did a lot better than good, babe. This is downright amazing! SO beautiful!¡± ¡°I¡¯m just lucky I remembered somewhat where these trails might be. Never in my wildest dreams did I think I¡¯d stumble upon this place though. I¡¯m just thrilled it¡¯s to your liking.¡± ¡°I love it here!¡± ¡°Me too¡ªI wish we could do this any time we wanted to.¡± ¡°It¡¯s my dream.¡± ¡°Mine too.¡± ¡°I¡¯m sorry about my reaction the other night.¡± she shifted. ¡°Nothing to apologize for. I was drunk and I don¡¯t know what I looked like to you.¡± I said. ¡°I¡¯m sorry if I scared you. That wasn¡¯t my intention. I tend to be sensitive and emotional at times, but I would never be upset at you enough to lay a finger on you, Sweetheart. I hope you know that.¡± ¡°I know babe.¡± she said. ¡°Years ago, I had someone stalk me and I guess the moment took me back.¡± ¡°No kidding. How long ago was that?¡± I asked with concern. ¡°It was before I met my husband. Almost twenty-five years ago.¡± ¡°Was it the man you were engaged to?¡± ¡°No, it wasn¡¯t him. It was another guy from back when I was in college.¡± ¡°Oh. I see. I¡¯m sorry you went through that.¡± I said. ¡°I¡¯m sure it was scary.¡± ¡°It was.¡± she said. ¡°He was not¡­he was just not right.¡± Her revelation helped me to understand her reaction from the other night. From her perspective based on all the emotions involved, and I¡¯m not sure exactly what she experienced as I didn¡¯t want to conjure up a bad memory by asking, there was an unpredictable air about me. As much as I didn¡¯t expect to hear what I did from her, she didn¡¯t expect me to ask her such a question at a time she was in a truly vulnerable spot. It brought me back to the hammer incident with Sara. How I lost my cool and threw a hammer as it inadvertently took a turn in her direction. I never understood domestic violence, because I don¡¯t know what a man could ever prove by beating up a woman. I could understand though how things could get emotionally heated, so maybe a push to keep a woman away I could understand, but to clench a fist and to physically attack a woman?. Crazy. Even as much Denise hurt me, I had way too much pride to follow someone around who had zero interest in me. After Anya revealed her experience, I held out my hands to bring her into my arms so I could hold her and apologize again. ¡°I¡¯m really sorry you went through that. Some men are just like lions, and you know, you can never get too close to lions even if they look tame.¡± I said. ¡°I think athletes in particular are high risk because they¡¯re very competitive by nature and mostly egotistical. Was this guy anything like that?¡± ¡°I found out a little too late.¡± she said. ¡°He was a professional volleyball player.¡± ¡°Ah.¡± ¡°Have you ever stalked anyone?¡± ¡°Ha! No.¡± I said. ¡°I might stalk you though so be careful.¡± ¡°I wouldn¡¯t mind!¡± she exclaimed. ¡°Oh, you don¡¯t say?¡± I laughed. ¡°Well, as much as I love you, and as much low self-esteem I¡¯ve had in my life, even I have too much pride to do something like that.¡± ¡°You have low self-esteem?¡± ¡°I¡¯ve had it pretty much my entire life.¡± I admitted. ¡°How come? That doesn¡¯t make any sense to me.¡± ¡°Really? Why not?¡± ¡°Why not? Because you¡¯re smart. You¡¯re charming. You¡¯re funny. You¡¯re handsome. You¡¯re sexy.¡± she said. ¡°It¡¯s just hard for me to believe. You have so much going for you. I don¡¯t understand how that could be.¡± ¡°Glad I brought these Coronas!¡± I said as I pointed at my beer. ¡°Bottoms up babe! You must have not eaten breakfast because they seem to be really kicking in!¡± ¡°Oh stop it!¡± she said seriously. ¡°That¡¯s how I see you babe.¡± ¡°Well, I¡¯m glad one of us sees me that way.¡± I said as I began to unfurl the towels I brought. ¡°For each thing you like about me, I could probably find two things to dislike about myself.¡± ¡°I don¡¯t understand.¡± she said as she moved closer to me to sit on one of the towels I laid down next to each other. ¡°Why? How could that be?¡± For the first time I realized Anya and I were like two flowers, but she was the only one in bloom. She opened up her entire world to me, her entire self, and she made me take notice I held back in fear; a fear she would search for things to not like about me, like Denise did, and leave me stranded with a ton of feelings. At this moment however, she made me feel more secure with all my insecurities than ever before. A moment created by an entity we both could not see but could only put our faith in as it hid behind the gifts it had given us, the warm sun, a cool breeze and a comfortable beach. I guess it was just my turn to use her light, a light I may have given her, to photosensitize. ¡°My father got my mother pregnant when he was twenty-seven, and she was twenty-three. They weren¡¯t married, and her pregnancy was unexpected. She was pregnant with me.¡± I opened up. ¡°I guess you could say their timing was off, maybe much like ours, but I always felt because of the untimely pregnancy my father looked upon me as ruining his life. That his life would have been much better if he didn¡¯t have me. I always felt more like my father¡¯s greatest mistake, more than being his greatest gift. I¡¯ve lived with that for so long I¡¯ve just come to accept it. Whenever things went wrong in his life it seemed he took his frustrations out on me. I don¡¯t think they would ever tell me, but I¡¯m sure my parents discussed having an abortion because times were tough for them. Don¡¯t get me wrong, I don¡¯t hate my father. He¡¯s a good man, he took care of my mother and I, but I never felt truly loved by him. As the years went by, I¡¯ve observed my mother and father¡¯s marriage and I told myself ¡°my marriage will never be like that.¡± He¡¯s never laid a finger on my mother but he has shown her a general disrespect at times, as if her thoughts and opinions didn¡¯t matter to a point where I saw his unkind remarks bring her to tears. Then he would take it out on me afterwards. He was brought up in an unloving environment for the most part so I think that¡¯s where it comes from. My father is emotionally devoid because his own father was the same way with him too. So that¡¯s where my self-esteem issues stem from. It¡¯s not a bad thing necessarily because it forced me to never settle for anything less than love in its purest form because I¡¯ve seen something people call ¡°love¡± before that doesn¡¯t look or feel like it is. Then as I got older, I had my heart broken a few times, and I started to believe the love I believed in and held out for all these years probably didn¡¯t exist, but then I met you, and you¡¯ve shown me there¡¯s a chance it just might.¡± ¡°I¡¯m sorry babe.¡± she said with sincerity. ¡°I never knew.¡± ¡°Well, you¡¯re the only one who does.¡± I confessed. ¡°You¡¯re a wonderful man, Landyn.¡± ¡°I try to be.¡± ¡°You stand taller than every man out there in my eyes. I know what they¡¯re all about.¡± she stated. ¡°You have the most beautiful heart and mind. I¡¯m so impressed with your humility.¡± ¡°Thank you.¡± I replied, smiling. ¡°I¡¯m grateful you think so.¡± ¡°As a teenager, my girlfriends and I used to play ¡°Truth or Dare¡± with boys and sometimes find ourselves on a dare locked in a closet alone with a boy for two minutes.¡± she said. ¡°We couldn¡¯t leave the closet until after the two full minutes were up.¡± ¡°Now that¡¯s a true dare, especially in a small closet if you were with a boy you didn¡¯t like.¡± ¡°Oh, believe me babe! I couldn¡¯t wait to get out of the closet each and every time!¡± she laughed. ¡°But if I was in the closet with you though, I would never want to leave.¡± ¡°In all fairness, I don¡¯t think I¡¯d let you leave.¡± I teased. ¡°So maybe that¡¯s part of it.¡± ¡°Nope, I wouldn¡¯t want to.¡± she said as the sun brought out the beauty in her brown eyes as they gazed into mine. ¡°I¡¯d think we would lose track of the time anyway.¡± I said while smiling back at her. Surrounded by the beauty of the day I brought my hand upwards to gently touch her face. She then moved her body softly into mine as she covered herself with the oversized towel from underneath her. Under a vibrant sun in the most accommodating of spots, we both lost ourselves under the large blue and white beach towels like we were lost in the stories that brought us closer together. Oblivious to all around us, as if we were in my room, and after nearly two full hours of kissing, Anya emerged from the towels, and while on her knees she began to remove her sundress. Without a second thought, I then began to remove my clothing as I also removed all that remained of hers. As she stayed with her knees in the sand I began to touch her in a place of heightened sensitivity as in the background a sun beheld and kissed her while an ocean roared its delight through waves that tried in vain to touch her, a side and sight of nature I¡¯ve never witnessed before as it made me aware of what an angel probably looked like. It was then, within nature¡¯s grace, we no longer felt like a part of this earth, as it seemed we were part of an entirely new world, a dimension all our own. This moment, one that somehow escaped my dreams yet now soaked itself in the sunrays of reality brought out our love for each other in a manner of virtuoso proportions on a beach only a supreme being could have trusted us with, at a time we needed it the most to save us, and with our love¡¯s end in play, this entity compassionately gave us a piece of heaven as we let it fully engulf us. After the most perfect moment of my entire life, Anya gazed deeply into my soul. ¡°Have you ever said ¡°I love you forever¡± to anyone?¡± ¡°I never have.¡± I said. ¡°Never felt strongly enough before.¡± ¡°Can we own it?¡± she asked. ¡°It¡¯ll be our own little ¡°I love you¡± to each other.¡± ¡°It would be an honor.¡± I love you forever; Precisely. CHAPTER 24 ~ AND ¡°Avoiding danger is no safer in the long run than outright exposure. The fearful are caught as often as the bold.¡± ~ Helen Keller 3:25 p.m. ¡°I had the best time today! I loved the trail and our beach. It was perfect and so beautiful. I was so relaxed. I think we kissed for two hours! I miss u babe. It was the best. I¡¯ll remember this day forever! Thank u for showing me a piece of heaven! I will always love you no matter what. You¡¯re a good person. I love you forever!¡± A mutual feeling in every way, a day I¡¯d never forget; a memory simply embedded in the heart of forever. I opened myself up, and Anya¡¯s love never wavered as the great spectator from above gave us the most spectacular of days below. With my vacation off to a fun start I began to consider a trip to Las Vegas. I hated being in my apartment these days as the missing intensified, especially at night, when it hurt to imagine her in bed next to her husband. With my positive thoughts up against a cold prevailing wind, I had to find other things to occupy my torturous mind. Anya had a lot going on during my vacation week, and I couldn¡¯t expect her to just drop her busy life to spend time with me. Her daughter was graduating from middle school next year, and now deciding where she would go to high school. Anya had deadlines to meet on the school selection process as you had to enroll a year in advance to be eligible to attend school there a year from now. Based on this experience with the enrollment process for her daughter she took a proactive approach with her son, as she also attempted to get in line where he would go to high school as well, even though he was still three years away. In addition, her son was graduating from elementary school in a few weeks and she had to sort out all his year-end grad events. On top of that, she had a huge work event to prepare for, her son¡¯s baseball team had tournaments on the horizon, and her daughter¡¯s dance practices had picked up their pace due to preparation for an upcoming recital. Regardless of how busy she was Anya always kept me updated on all the details of her endless activities. 7:25 p.m. ¡°If Katie gets accepted and chooses Conrad she would be attending a private school. It¡¯s near Palos Verdes though which is very far from my home. I don¡¯t want my kids to hate me for sending them to a school too far. There¡¯s also a school in Long Beach with a stellar magnet program but it¡¯s in a bad area. There¡¯s a good neighborhood high school (2 min from my home) but it¡¯s a total party school, and Katie is a ¡°party girl¡±. The school is mostly known for sports, though. Anyway, I¡¯ll figure it all out. I guess you can party anywhere.¡± I never realized to choose a high school nowadays was such a process. I always thought you were required to go to the closest high school in your neighborhood, but I guess that¡¯s not the case anymore as it appeared to be just as stressful as choosing a college. I then mentioned to Anya so she wouldn¡¯t feel any pressure to see me this week that I was in contemplation of a quick turnaround trip to Vegas just to get out of town. ANYA: ¡°Why don¡¯t you? I wish I could take off with you. Wouldn¡¯t that be something?¡± ME: ¡°I wish! Now if you were going with me, no contemplating about the trip necessary. I¡¯m going! We¡¯re going!¡± ANYA: ¡°If I went you couldn¡¯t hang out at the strip clubs though. No lap dances from the girlies!¡± ME: ¡°Why would I want to do that when I¡¯d have the best girlie with me? I would just go to gamble, babe even if you weren¡¯t there. I don¡¯t enjoy Vegas as much as most men do, but I do enjoy the gambling. Oh, and the drinking.¡± ANYA: ¡°Haha! I don¡¯t love Vegas either. I had to go for a week last year w/Katie for a dance competition. I had 4 guys partying every night right next door. They invited me over and Katie got mad! What do you play when you go?¡± ME: ¡°Who could blame them? I would ask you to come over to party with us too! Poor Katie. I mostly play the slots if you can believe it. Not a typical male choice of gambling but my philosophy is this; unless I bring a lot of money with me, I won¡¯t win a lot of money at the tables, but on the slots I feel I at least have a chance to come away with something substantial especially if I hit the progressive. That¡¯s my logic about it anyway. Sometimes it works, but most of the time it doesn¡¯t. Do you play anything in particular when you go? ANYA: ¡°If I play anything, it¡¯s blackjack and I only win by luck. I like the shows in Vegas!¡± ME: ¡°That¡¯s all it takes though, babe. A little luck. I wish we could go to a show together! I never get a chance to go see a show. I¡¯ve always wanted to.¡± With Vegas still up in the air the day following this textversation, Anya informed me she had a busy day running errands as she worked to wrap things up for the next day¡¯s event at her company. Her son also had a baseball game that evening in which she told me first place was on the line and a playoff spot. It was obviously a full day for her and even though I had a ton of free time, it didn¡¯t mean she did. I needed to respect that so I let her initiate every text message in fear I hindered her from getting things done but she opted to contact me anyway. 3:56 p.m. ¡°The event is from 2 ¨C 6 tomorrow, but I¡¯ll be on at 10 a.m. It¡¯s an important deal for the company b/c we¡¯re making big changes.¡± Two more things I loved about Anya, her work ethic and her sense of responsibility. She worked her ass off to the bone and it inspired me to do the same as she astonished me with all the things she accomplished and was on her plate during the week. I knew she had a mountain of stress heaped on her though with little to zero help from her support system so I monitored her closely with a loving eye to make sure she was okay throughout the day. She was human, and we all had our limits whether we chose to acknowledge them or not. As I sat at home that night, alone, still in contemplation of a Vegas jaunt, she text me during her son¡¯s baseball game. 8:41 p.m. ¡°You won¡¯t believe this, but Andrew just broke his arm! He ran into another player trying to catch a pop fly! I have to take him to my orthopedist tomorrow! My big day!¡± ME: ¡°OMG! Is he okay, babe? I¡¯m so sorry! Are you at the hospital?¡± ANYA: ¡°No, I¡¯m at Carolyn¡¯s. I just got back from the emergency room. 10 emergency room trips in 10 years! His arm is in a cast and he had stitches on his forehead too. He¡¯s so extreme! The coach is really upset because we¡¯re going into a tournament and Andrew¡¯s his best pitcher!¡± ME: ¡°Was it his right arm or his left arm? Is he right or left handed? What are you going to do about the event? If there¡¯s anything I can do please let me know.¡± ANYA: ¡°You¡¯re so sweet to ask. It¡¯s his left arm and he¡¯s right handed. Tomorrow should be interesting. I have my assistant covering for me until I get to the event.¡± ME: ¡°That¡¯s good. Are you going home now? Sorry if I¡¯m bothering you with my questions. Just worried about you.¡± ANYA: ¡°You could never bother me. I have to go pick up Katie at her dance studio. She gets out at 9:30. I should say goodnight babe. Long day for me. This would be a good chocolate chip cookie night but I don¡¯t have any in the house. I miss u. I love you forever!¡± When you truly love someone, you want the very best for them. You don¡¯t want to ever see them struggle or suffer, and if they do, you want to be there to help them in any way possible yet my hands were tied in this situation, and that was harder on me than the thought of her still sleeping with her husband. I couldn¡¯t be with her in the emergency room to tell her everything would be okay. I couldn¡¯t go to the house to cheer Andrew up. I couldn¡¯t tell her to go home and I¡¯ll get Katie for her. I couldn¡¯t even bring her chocolate chip cookies. All I could do was think of how she was at home doing all these things on her own without any help from a man who had only emotionally abused her, and all I could do was grin and bear it as it left me to ponder a way to tackle an elephant. I guess if there was a silver lining for her in all of this, at least baseball was off her plate now. While Anya was on her big day at the orthopedist office and then her company¡¯s event, I decided to head to the beach to get some color. As I lay comfortably in the sand, and listened to the music in the waves as they bowed before me, I thought about how I would confront the elephant as I believed her well-being being was just as important as the well-being of her children. Based on the research I did, countless hours on the internet, I felt I had valid points in which to base my opinion. I didn¡¯t believe her situation as a mother warranted martyrdom, but I needed to present that with love, and not in a manner that suited my best interest, a very fine line I needed to straddle because of the heavy emotions involved. The time for this conversation neared and I knew I needed a compelling and inspirational presentation to help alleviate the guilt she felt. I also believed I had only one bullet in the chamber of this hypothetical gun as I had only one shot to kill these false perceptions based on fears that made them appear to be real. When her big day came to an end, I texted her to see how things went. When I asked about her son, Anya told me he was still in pain but it was under control, and his coaches sent her heartfelt emails which she truly appreciated. When I asked about how her event went, I learned people were in tears because of the changes the company made. I didn¡¯t press what those changes were but found it interesting as it appeared they let some people go. The next day I decided to go to the beach once more, inspired to build on my tan. When Anya found out about this second beach day in a row she forgot all about her work after I mentioned I wished we were back at our beach. 10:31 a.m. ¡°OMG! I can just picture it! Wish we were back there! Proud of u for taking advantage of ur time off and this pretty day to hang at the beach! I wish I was w/u! Sorry I¡¯ve been so busy. I love Hermosa Beach! I miss you sooo much. I love you forever!¡± Even though it was a perfect beach day at Hermosa, compared to being at ¡°our beach¡± with Anya, it was safe to state I was definitely settling on this day as all I could do was put on my headphones and imagine she was with me. A little over two hours later, Anya messaged me to check in. She then began to share certain authentic Mexican restaurants she enjoyed eating at throughout Los Angeles County. Her texts made my stomach growl as I hadn¡¯t had Mexican food in months nor had lunch yet. Since I didn¡¯t know any authentic Mexican restaurants near the beach, I decided to write off the craving, but not even a minute passed before Anya answered my silent yearning. 1:16 p.m. ¡°Try this one! The Puerto Mexican Grill. It¡¯s really good! The address is 1516 P.C.H. Their phone number is 310-522-6582. I love you forever!¡± It was an unexpected gesture as I only mentioned ¡°Mexican food sounded good¡± in passing as she indicated the spots she enjoyed eating at, but it was vintage Anya as she found a way to touch me when she wasn¡¯t even near me. The next day, a Friday, I still found myself in contemplation of a Vegas run. I had three more days left on my vacation so it was now or never, and I remained undecided when Anya broke the news to me she and the girls were going to a Mexican Restaurant for dinner. To imagine her out with the girls dressed beautifully was too much for me to bear and that was when I decided to get out of my lonely apartment to live a little. 5:44 p.m. ¡°Watcha doin baby? I love you forever!!!¡± ME: ¡°I love you forever too! I¡¯m on my way to Vegas! Wish me luck! R u on your way to the restaurant yet?¡± ANYA: ¡°R u serious? Right on! If u can believe it we¡¯re finally on our way! I¡¯m wearing the top u saw me in at Republique b/c of what u said. I feel closer to u this way. We have 2 DD.¡± ME: ¡°I loved that blouse on you. Your beauty that night nearly stopped my heart you looked so gorgeous. Glad you have two designated drivers. Please be safe out there. Lots of crazies. I wish you were here with me. I know this trip would be a lot more fun with you.¡± ANYA: ¡°Me too!¡± The drive to Vegas from L.A.was a four to five hour trek depending on traffic or how fast you drove, and you can bet your life if you¡¯ve ever seen the movie ¡°Swingers¡± the truth about the drive was properly depicted. About three hours into the drive you do start to get a little weary as the adrenaline begins to die right before you head into the desert heat. To keep me entertained during this part of the journey I would try and guess the temperature in Baker where the world¡¯s largest thermometer stood one hundred and thirty-four feet from the ground. It was not unusual for the thermometer¡¯s electronic reading to show a hundred degrees as late as nine at night, but I decided to take the under. A minute after I reached Baker and learned my temperature estimation was off by six degrees, I received a text from Anya so I decided to pull over to text her back. 9:01 p.m. ¡°Beautiful night! Wish you were here! Miss you!¡± ME: ¡°If I could be with you tonight I never would¡¯ve went to Vegas! I miss you too!!!¡± ANYA: ¡°I love u! Where r u now? State line?¡± ME: ¡°I just hit Baker. Hey guess what the temperature here in Baker is?¡± ANYA: ¡°100???¡± ME: ¡°OMG! How¡¯d you know that? Damn good guess, babe!¡± ANYA: ¡°I got it right? Yay for me! Do you even know how much I wish I was with you right now? I want to just run! I miss u!!!¡± ME: ¡°I wish you were with me right now too babe. I love you so much. I miss you too!¡± After our exchange, it felt like she sat right next to me as I glowed inside from the greatest feeling of happiness I had ever felt while I continued my journey across the darkness of a furious desert. When I finally reached Vegas, I stopped at the Hard Rock Hotel and Casino. I had many fun times there before, and had won over a thousand dollars on slots a couple of times. I also used to run into many surprisingly down to earth celebrities before such as Mark Cuban and Carmen Electra which made it an easy decision to gravitate there because of the surreal, friendly, and fun atmosphere. I just wish I really had Anya with me this time around to experience the Hard Rock at its absolute best. Shortly after I arrived though, the love of my life sent me a text. 10:28 p.m. ¡°Where are you now baby?¡± ME: ¡°I¡¯m here babe. I¡¯m at the Hard Rock. I usually have good luck here. We¡¯ll see though.¡± ANYA: ¡°No kidding? You¡¯re already there? I¡¯m impressed! We just finished dinner here but Debbie just knocked over a whole glass of red wine all over my blouse and white pants!!! All the girls are freaking out! Xoxo!¡± ME: ¡°Oh no! Oh, babe I¡¯m so sorry to hear that.¡± ANYA: ¡°Oh well, just clothes. I miss u.¡± ME: ¡°I miss u too, love. I¡¯m sorry I can¡¯t be there to take care of you. I wish u were here w/me.¡± ANYA: ¡°I wish I was there with u. R u gambling?¡± ME: ¡°I¡¯m at a slot machine right now but haven¡¯t started yet.¡± ANYA: ¡°Have a great time baby! I love you forever!!!¡± ME: ¡°Thank you. I love you forever too!!!¡± ANYA: ¡°I think you should stay there tonight. Don¡¯t you?¡± ME: ¡°I probably should get a room. I¡¯ll see how the night goes. If I win, I¡¯ll stay. If I lose, well, I¡¯ll bring my loser butt home.¡± ANYA: ¡°I hope you win! Good luck! Goodnight babe. Have fun. Be safe.¡± Women like Anya put a lot of work into looking nice, and to have her night end the way it did bummed me out. I know it not only dampened her night literally to have an entire glass of wine spill on her, and I know it would have ruined my night, but it didn¡¯t seem to faze her. She was a good sport about it, a much better sport than I would be, but it was one of the things I loved about her because she inspired me to strive to have a better attitude about things beyond my control. As I fed a hundred dollar bill in the slot machine, I began to feel guilty about my trip. Even though I¡¯ve been solo for thirty-seven years it just didn¡¯t feel right to have fun after her night ended the way it did. Five hours later after my trip began, I tried to look behind me, but there was nothing there as I completely lost my ass, and I had no choice but to come back home the same morning. When I almost dozed off on the road, and before I killed myself or anyone else, I decided to pull off in Barstow and into a secluded strip mall parking lot to sleep for a couple of hours before I finished my drive home. After a solid respite and when I finally reached my apartment, I crashed for the rest of that morning. When I awoke and came to the cold reality my vacation neared its end, I received a text from Anya to let me know she had a baseball fundraiser to run that evening. She also told me in the message she missed me more than ever which surprised me because it meant a lot to hear that now more than ever, as this loser needed to hear that. When Monday arrived, after a stress free week, I found it hard to get back in the swing of things as I struggled to brush off the vacation dust. 12:51 p.m. ¡°Hope ur 1st day back is going well! Didn¡¯t want to bug u in Hesperia. Don¡¯t worry if u can¡¯t text back. I¡¯ve been super busy myself! Just thinking of you! Xoxo!¡± I had to be in Hesperia all week to monitor a client engagement and a long commute came with the territory as a hotel was not in the firm¡¯s budget. Before I began my drive on this morning however, Clyde informed me about a church fundraising event Mr. Caiaphas had asked our firm to be a part of. The more I heard of Mr. Caiaphas¡¯s kind donations and charitable contributions, the more I saw how I fell short in life, as it became apparent no matter how ambitious I was or how hard I worked, I was nowhere near the level of a Jackson Caiaphas as I found it impossible not to admire the man. He was a man of reverence, worthy of emulation and even though he referred to me as Landman, my inferiority to his greatness was undeniable. He was not only someone to look up to but also someone to believe in, a great business man, an honorable family man, an esteemed public figure, and the epitome of a role model. I remembered when he pointed to his wedding ring with so much pride as it struck me hard to witness firsthand his natural ability to love his wife. For him to just stop and recognize the importance of her right in the middle of our business meeting, in the realm of his busy life showed me he clearly stood for everything a man should stand for. Not to mention, his generosity and compassionate spirit was off the charts, and I admired that quality in him more than any success he had in commercial real estate as I found his attainment of character had a much greater impact on my appreciation for him than his attainment of wealth. ME: ¡°Thanks Sweetheart. So nice to hear from you. It¡¯s going well. I¡¯ll let you get back to work. Xoxo!¡± ANYA: ¡°I was just thinking about what you said to me yesterday.¡± ME: ¡°What did I say? Refresh my memory please.¡± ANYA: ¡°After you woke up yesterday morning you told me I was the first thing on your mind and you told yourself ¡°No question. I¡¯m in love.¡± I did the same thing this morning when I woke up and I thought ¡°I¡¯m in love.¡± and there was no question! I love you forever!¡± ME: ¡°Haha! It¡¯s that clear every morning for me! Every morning you¡¯re the first thing on my mind and I just have to smile. A great way to start the day! I love you forever too! No question! What does your week look like, Sweetheart?¡± ANYA: ¡°I have so much going on this week. Baseball, dance and cooking dinner tonight as always. I want to c u now! I miss ur kiss baby. Don¡¯t know how I¡¯m going to make it this week! I love you forever baby!!! No question!!!¡± I loved to receive these types of texts from her, and when I put my phone down I was so full of happiness it got me easily through the rest of my day. There was no question, every morning when I woke up, I thought of her and could only smile. She was always the very first thing on my mind and there was absolutely no question I loved her. The month of May two thousand eight was a highly emotional month that tested our love¡¯s resolve, but with the help of Laguna Beach and a beach of our own, it only brought us closer than ever. Yes, my understanding and patience at times was tested because it was now much harder to get through a day without seeing her let alone an entire week, but her texts throughout the day allowed me to feel close to her as I sought solace through them more than ever. At this time, it appeared to me she was positioning herself to leave her husband, the right way, as I began to see some pieces fall into place to make it a reality. For instance, I learned this past week her company was in the process of downsizing which would make it easier to leave him with less employees affected. She was also getting her son¡¯s high school selection process done in advance and she worked to change her nurse status from inactive to active which also showed me she loved herself enough to see the importance in making a positive change for her mental well-being. I believed she did the right things at this time and after I learned she still slept with her husband I felt she knew these things were important to make me aware of. My biggest fear remained her running away to be with me, but if she did that I would only send her straight back home; she needed to do things the right way or not at all. She had to face the folks and be honest with them. She told me this is how she felt before she met me, and I wasn¡¯t the reason for the way she felt, so even though she told me she wouldn¡¯t leave unless someone was there for her, my role in her life should not make a bit of difference in her decision to leave. She simply had to do this for herself, not for me or anyone else, if she planned to. She only had a bonus plan in place after she did because I would be there to support her in every way, financially and emotionally. I just needed her to be brave enough to take that step, but again, we weren¡¯t there yet, and even I had to reel myself in and try to be more patient, because it was important to be now more than ever, but also harder to be than ever before. The more she text me, the more of herself she shared, the more I fell in love with her, and the more I felt safe. 9:36 a.m. ¡°Really? Well I was up at 4 this morn too! I usually roll out of bed at 4:30 but for some reason I woke up at 4! It¡¯s going to 2 b in the 90¡¯s out here 2day!¡± 9:38 a.m. ¡°Yes, baby. I think I have to go into the OC office 2day. More changes. I¡¯m throwing a baby shower soon and I need 2 work on that as well! How about u?¡± 2:22 p.m. This narrative has been unlawfully taken from Royal Road. If you see it on Amazon, please report it. ¡°I miss u baby.¡± 2:40 p.m. ¡°It¡¯s definitely cooler than 90! Don¡¯t know where I got that info! Xoxo!¡± 3:16 p.m. ¡°Do u know what I do? I always pick the wrong line! Never fails it¡¯s either price check, complaints, coupons, have 2 change paper roll, change register etc!¡± 3:18 p.m. ¡°It¡¯s not even funny anymore! No kidding, my kids would stand in a different line than me! They make fun of me every time! I think I have that ¡°No really, take ur time cuz I have nothing better to do¡± look b/c I smile a lot! It kills me. Xoxo!¡± 3:24 p.m. ¡°How long are you in Hesperia this week? I¡¯m already going through withdrawals! I miss u like crazy! I miss ur kisssssssss! I¡¯m so turned on right now. I think I need a cool shower!¡± 3:27 p.m. ¡°Ur all I think about too! I even miss u in my sleep. We always have fun when we¡¯re together! 3:33 p.m. ¡°I miss u and I love you forever! No question!¡± Her text messages meant the world to me, and every time I saw my red light blink on my phone I felt extreme joy as I treated each and every one of them as if they were a gift. Her texts were not sent in a response to mine, but rather were completely uninitiated by me. I felt if she ran the show without my interference, or with very little interference, I would feel safe to say she listened to herself because these texts revealed her true feelings. They proved daily our friendship and our bond was indisputable as I observed her life and felt like an important part of her day through them, especially when they came out of the blue and were unexpected. 2:03 p.m. ¡°Thinking of you!¡± 2:20 p.m. ¡°I miss u too! Having a great day! Hope u r too! Getting my nails done! I love you forever!¡± 4:13 p.m. ¡°Katie has dance class tonight. I made the best tortilla soup if I do say so myself! I played all day! I miss you sooo much!!!!¡± 4:38 p.m. ¡°Have a safe drive home my love! Text me later! Xoxo!¡± 7:15 p.m. ¡°Ur putting in some hours! I already made dinner! Remember tortilla soup? Going to watch American Idol Finale w/the kiddos 2nite! I miss u! Want to kiss u!!!¡± 7:26 p.m. ¡°Yes! Made a vegetarian batch and one w/chicken. I made it early so I wouldn¡¯t have to bother 2nite! I think I can c u on Sunday! I can¡¯t stay long. I love you!¡± 7:32 p.m. ¡°Andrew¡¯s favorite food is chicken! He¡¯d eat it three times a day if he could!¡± Through her daily nearly hourly texts, I felt like I knew her kids as it warmed my heart to know she had a great day and appeared to not be stressed out at all, a rare sight. After my week off I had a mountain of work to come back to so I was extremely busy, but it was great to know I¡¯d see her again on Sunday, only a few days away. The memories of Abalone Cove helped get me through the nearly two weeks since I had last seen her, but little did I know however, another test cloaked in black was headed my way. This time though, it came through the guise in a series of positive texts from her. 7:52 a.m. ¡°How r u? I missed u so much last night I held my pillow tight against my body and pretended I was hugging u! I love u this morning, no question! Xoxo!¡± 8:01 a.m. ¡°I miss u too! Having a good day. Hope u r too! Can u break for tea and a ¡°drive¡± on Sat around 11 am? It wouldn¡¯t replace Sun. I just miss u lots! I love you!!!¡± 8:06 a.m. ¡°Thank u baby! I¡¯m excited! I love you forever!!!¡± 8:11 a.m. ¡°Xxxxxxxxxxxxooooooooooo!!!¡± 5:27 p.m. ¡°It¡¯s raining here. Made me think of u. It¡¯s really hard at times. Guess I¡¯ll be hugging my pillow again 2nite. I miss u. Girls r coming over in an hour.¡± The chance to see her two days in a row made my ten hour workday suddenly seem like a one hour shift. After being in Hesperia the entire week I now looked forward to something normal and comfortable again. I found it odd though that on a school night she was getting together with the girls. When I asked, she informed me they decided to get together to ¡°shoot pool¡±, another anomaly as she proceeded to confess she ¡°wasn¡¯t very good at it¡± and ¡°had to measure her shot every time¡±. Next to a person without any arms I was probably the worst pool player on the planet, so I tried to psych her up for the game by telling her ¡°Tiger Woods has to measure his puts when he plays golf. I guess he isn¡¯t very good too¡±. She got a kick out of that as she threw an unsolicited ¡°I love you forever¡± my way. I learned subsequent to this conversation many of her friends planned to leave town for Memorial Day weekend so that was the reason for the impromptu ¡°get-together¡±. I thought it was important for her to get out of the house with her friends. I believed she really needed the time for herself to recharge, but in the same breath it worried me because it made me feel like a novelty rather than a necessity in her life as I unexpectedly felt insignificant. I would even go as far to say it even began to feel like she was the single person and I was the married one. These observations and thoughts brought forth some discomfort within as it left me to wonder what her incentive would be to leave him if the marriage afforded her this kind of freedom. When Friday arrived, after a long week in Hesperia and countless hours spent in traffic, fatigue began to set in as I felt depressed to know on this evening I would only return to an empty silent apartment. I had no plans for Memorial Day weekend, I never did, but it just hit me hard to know I couldn¡¯t truly spend it with the woman I loved; the woman who loved me. Here I was bound by nothing, no kids, yet I lived a resigned life. Negative emotions began to swirl within me just before she sent me a series of texts as the fatigue brought on by the fourteen hours days took its toll. 1:47 p.m. ¡°I miss you more than anything! Congrats! Ur almost done w/one week in Hesperia! Yay!¡± ME: ¡°I miss you more than anything too! I can¡¯t believe I get to see you tomorrow! It felt like this week would never end. Thanks babe. Happy to be finally leaving Desperia! I mean¡­Hesperia.¡± ANYA: ¡°I guess Hesperia is not a destination point? I know! It¡¯s been hard! Feels like I haven¡¯t seen u in weeks! Big plans for the weekend?¡± ME: ¡°No plans on my end. Do you have any plans to salvage the weekend? Seems like all your friends left you behind.¡± ANYA: ¡°If u can believe it I¡¯m going back to Arturo¡¯s 2nite w/a big group. My neighbor¡¯s B-Day dinner. Client dinner tom night in Corona Del Mar. Can¡¯t wait 2 c u!¡± I hoped this weekend would be a quiet weekend spent with her kids to help relieve the emptiness I¡¯d undoubtedly feel. Instead, I learned she had a night on the town planned with a large group of people. I then became insecure as my head filled up with pessimism. I guess I thought since her friends were out of town she would be relegated to staying home this weekend, and stuck at home with the kids. It didn¡¯t bother me she went out at all, I wanted her to enjoy her life as much as possible, and she deserved that as hard as she worked. It just got harder to ignore the kids were the reason she couldn¡¯t see me as much as she wanted yet here she was away from them, hanging out with her friends even on a moment¡¯s notice. It was this kind of inconsistency from her that put doubt in my mind. I didn¡¯t doubt her love, but I began to doubt her intentions. I wanted her to be with her kids this weekend not because I didn¡¯t want her to have fun with her friends, but to only give the reasons she gave me absolute validity. After a delayed response I feared would inspire concern from her, I sent her a text telling her ¡°I couldn¡¯t wait to see her too¡±, and I even added an exclamation point to avoid her suspicion I may be upset with her. The past had proven I¡¯d question something then change my stance after we talked, so I tried to avoid the issue because I feared my feelings may have been a result of the stress and fatigue more than anything. Then she shot me a text. 2:36 p.m. ¡°I love you!¡± In the movie ¡°The Empire Strikes Back¡± the empire sent a probe droid to a remote planet to see if they could locate a rebel base there. I felt this text was a probe droid to see if I was bummed out as evidenced by her addition of an exclamation point. If I delayed a response to an ¡°I love you¡± text especially one with an exclamation point, she would have confirmation. I never imagined while I sat in English class the power an exclamation point yielded and how much it would affect my life one day, but just like the character Chewbacca in the movie, I raised her one and blew that probe droid to pieces. ME: ¡°I love you too!!¡± Up to this point, I always felt her and I were so deeply connected we knew exactly how each other felt. Now though, I began to get the sense the reason she felt so deeply connected to me was because she knew in some way, whether intentional or not, what she did to me was hurtful. For the first time in our relationship, I began to feel somewhat like a disease to her as some things I never fathomed before began to surface. I loved her deeply, and the only reason I denied her existence in my life to others was because I respected her, to protect her. I understood she couldn¡¯t go around telling anyone about us, but the things she did at times seemed to be with a complete disregard for my feelings, as if what I didn¡¯t know couldn¡¯t hurt me, and that made it okay for her to do. For her to live her life in the exact same way she did before we began seeing each other, especially after I had walked away initially because she was married, I felt was absolutely wrong after she allowed me, even encouraged me to feel so much for her. She had no choice but to continue to do the things she needed to do for her kids, and I totally understood those things could not change yet, but I never saw a change in how people, like neighbors or members of a large group, perceived her relationship with him, and I found that troublesome. I felt at the six month point she could recognize the things that may hurt me and make excuses to stay home to be with the kids, the reason we couldn¡¯t see each other, in order to weaken the fa?ade of her marriage to outsiders because at this time I didn¡¯t feel very safe. 10:32 p.m. ¡°Goodnight baby! Love u!¡± The one constant with her; she never missed sending me a ¡°Goodnight¡± text. This one in particular though was later than usual, and although it was nice to know I was on her mind, I couldn¡¯t tell if it was sent out of guilt or love. I became more sensitive to the fa?ade of her union because I now knew she slept with her husband. Even after long work days I had a harder time sleeping, especially on a night like this because I knew what goodnight could mean on a night ¡°out¡± as the wheels in my head worked overtime. However, if I could just silence the restlessness I felt in my stomach and with a little rest that consisted of rapid eye movement, I felt I had a chance to resolve these burdensome emotions when we met for tea the next day. As the sun devoured the night, I felt better to know I would see her, but it was also clear I had to find a way to subdue the longing inside. I didn¡¯t want her to completely change her life, it wouldn¡¯t be fair to ask of her simply because we weren¡¯t there yet, and she had to put on a show at times for her children; however I hoped for a small adjustment if possible to help balance my emotions. I thought I was ready to state my case, but the minute I saw her beautiful, sweet, happy face as she jumped into my car, I melted like ice cream in a kiln on my quest to make my concerns known. To see the happiness in her eyes, the way her entire face lit up when she sawme, it pained me to take it away from her with my loneliness, but with my mirrored happiness now in the mix, my heart decided it was best to make this a fun meeting instead of a sour one. When I drove to our spot by the children¡¯s play area we found the last time we met and turned off my engine, however, Anya had a different agenda as she turned to me with a sudden change in her beautiful countenance. ¡°The girls gave me a lecture the other night.¡± she softly announced. ¡°A lecture?¡± I asked with a nervous laugh. ¡°A lecture on what?¡± ¡°On me.¡± she said. ¡°on us.¡± ¡°On you? On us? I don¡¯t understand.¡± ¡°They think I should shit or get off the pot. They think that six months is long enough.¡± I didn¡¯t know what to say as my initial response was to agree with them because it was getting harder on me, but when I saw the sad look in her eyes I started to change my tune, and began to submit to reason. She asked me to fight for her and this presented an opportunity to step up to the plate for her, and for us, like I promised her I would. ¡°I don¡¯t agree babe. We¡¯re talking about love here. A once in a lifetime love.¡± I said. ¡°I don¡¯t think it¡¯s right to put a time table on our love and just throw it away after all we¡¯ve felt and shared.¡± ¡°Carolyn says letting you go would be an act of love.¡± she said. ¡°She told me by letting you go I would be loving you.¡± ¡°Well to be honest, I wouldn¡¯t feel much loved at all.¡± I said. ¡°But isn¡¯t it better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all?¡± she asked. ¡°Did Carolyn say that too?¡± ¡°Yes, she did.¡± ¡°With all due respect to Carolyn, it¡¯s easy for her to say those kinds of things simply because she is removed from all the emotions.¡± I said. ¡°I can understand how people carry the belief that to love and to have lost is better to not have loved at all when someone dies, but I think anyone who believes in that has never truly been in love before; they don¡¯t really know the pain of being truly in love and how life can be devastatingly altered after you put your entire heart and soul into loving someone then losing them other than death. I don¡¯t mean to discount the beauty in her thought though; I just don¡¯t believe it¡¯s a realistic one because when you love someone as deeply as we love each other, it¡¯s abandonment at this point more than freedom. Just because of how deeply I love people, personally I¡¯d much rather not fall in love if I¡¯m just going to just lose it. I mean, why fall in love to only feel pain in the end? I guess the more important question here is how do you feel about it?¡± ¡°I¡¯m afraid I¡¯d make a big mistake if I let us go. That¡¯s how I feel.¡± she said. ¡°Debbie said one day at a time with a little pressure.¡± ¡°I agree with Debbie.¡± I told her. ¡°I think it would be unfair to both of us to end it only because its been six months now and things haven¡¯t changed. I think our love deserves more than six months, and I can¡¯t just ask you to leave now anyway. I want you to come into the best scenario if and when you do. For you to leave now and be with me would be an injustice to you and the kids, so even though it¡¯s harder than ever and I have a hard time understanding some things that are going on, it¡¯s important for me to be patient. I love you, and I can¡¯t give up on us like that. Not after all we¡¯ve shared. You asked me to fight for you and I promised you I would.¡± ¡°We did fall in love rather quickly.¡± she stated. ¡°Did we ever!¡± I replied, grinning. ¡°I don¡¯t feel we jumped into anything without thinking about it, though. I mean, I walked away from you initially, and five months went by before we reconnected, so yes we did fall in love quickly once we knew we had something special between us.¡± ¡°I guess I fear if I leave, babe¡­¡± she said, her voice trailing off while peering away from me and outside her window. ¡°I fear I¡¯d feel I was picking you over my kids.¡± It was a shot I didn¡¯t see coming, and it put me in complete defense mode. I had no clue how she could had felt that way after she asked me to fight for her, told me nothing was impossible, kids were resilient, and divorces happen every day. Her words rattled me as I struggled with all my heavy emotions in play to present a fair angle. I also had to respect her as a mother, and to acknowledge she had every right in the world to feel all she did. ¡°I don¡¯t believe that¡¯s true, Sweetheart.¡± I said. ¡°I don¡¯t believe that¡¯s true at all.¡± ¡°How so?¡± she asked as she turned to me with anxiety in her eyes. ¡°Because I believe you wouldn¡¯t be choosing me at all, you would be choosing you and the kids.¡± I stated as I held on to her hand. ¡°Babe, this love isn¡¯t about me versus your kids or even me versus your husband. There is so much more here than meets the eye. This is about a real love versus a false love disguised by a marriage. This is about the truth versus a lie; living an honest life versus living a false one. This is about breaking down a fa?ade and getting out from under a cloud of deception. Tucking away your true feelings to please others who don¡¯t know the extent of your pain is no way to live your life. Now are we there yet? I don¡¯t think so, but I strongly believe we will be there one day. I truly believe that. I know you love me, and I think over time you won¡¯t see this as me versus the kids but rather me and the kids.¡± ¡°I¡¯m afraid I¡¯m going to lose my kids to him, Babe.¡± ¡°Sweetheart, California is a no fault state and mothers generally win custody of the children.¡± I said. ¡°I don¡¯t want to discount your fears, but I really think something can be worked out so that never happens.¡± ¡°He would argue he can work from home and be there for them more than I can.¡± she said. ¡°I¡¯d have to get a full-time job if I were to leave.¡± ¡°No babe. You wouldn¡¯t have to work at all. In fact, I have something in place so that won¡¯t be an issue. You¡¯ll be able to be there for them just as much as he would be. Not that I want him to lose an argument regarding the right to see his children, but you have the same rights to them too. I believe it¡¯s an argument he would lose.¡± ¡°I don¡¯t know babe.¡± she said. ¡°I love you, but I don¡¯t know.¡± ¡°Well, that¡¯s the reason why I¡¯m in your life; so one day you will know.¡± I said. ¡°The one thing you can¡¯t do though, is pit our love or me against your kids. We won¡¯t make it if you do because it¡¯s a battle I would lose, and I really hope you don¡¯t do that. That¡¯s not what this is about. It¡¯s not what we¡¯re about. We are so much more than that. I think you really have to ask yourself this honestly. What man would be in this situation without any promises for six months? I mean, if you can¡¯t find anything special in that, I don¡¯t know where you¡¯ll be able to. That¡¯s the kind of love at stake here.¡± ¡°That¡¯s why I feel I¡¯d be making a mistake.¡± ¡°But this is much much greater than being with me. This is about living an honest life, a life you deserve, free of falsehoods. I believe you would choose your kids by leaving because you simply don¡¯t want the same kind of marriage for them. You know where true happiness is derived from. It¡¯s not from having money and things, but through love. What¡¯s the harm in showing your kids the truth about life? How would they know what is acceptable in a marriage or not if they believe the marriage you have is indicative of a happy one? Our relationship is what a marriage is truly all about; mutual love, trust, and a true commitment to last a life time. Your marriage stands for none of these things anymore if it ever did at all. I understand people generally fall out of love in their marriages, but this is due to gross infidelity, the one thing I feel makes a divorce and our relationship acceptable. People who decide to stay for the kids, like your friends who are still madly in love with their husbands, don¡¯t fall in love with anyone outside their marriage let alone have a serious relationship with them. Babe, you told me you knew this could turn into ¡°something big¡± in June yet the kids were always there, even when you dated Lance, the romantic singer, they were there too. You¡¯re not doing this for me or even us. You¡¯re doing this for you. You have to listen to yourself now because the silence is simply too loud to ignore. You have to really trust your feelings because they are beyond true. Your unhappiness is real as evidenced by me in your life. You¡¯re listening to everyone else, independent of me, instead of yourself, and as the man who loves you I can¡¯t stand mute about it.¡± ¡°It¡¯s hard to explain that to a ten and twelve year old.¡± she responded. ¡°Well, I do know this much, my love. They won¡¯t be ten and twelve years old forever.¡± I said. ¡°They need you to show them what¡¯s important in life. What could be wrong in showing them that you pursued a life of love and happiness instead of false security under the umbrella of a lie? If you don¡¯t have the courage to do that. To teach them to follow their hearts and to live honest lives, then only God can help them. Would you want your kids to carry the burden of your unhappiness? I wouldn¡¯t want my mom to do that for me if she was truly unhappy. You know babe, I know a good education is really important for your kids to have as it should be, but the most important things in life your kids are ever going to learn won¡¯t come from a text book.¡± She didn¡¯t say anything as I could see she absorbed my words. After thirty seconds of silence, I then said something that hit her pretty hard. ¡°I¡¯ve truly known you for nearly six months now. You¡¯re my best friend, and I hope I¡¯m still yours after all I just said, but if there¡¯s one thing I¡¯ve learned about you over the last six months, and I know this without a doubt, it¡¯s that you¡¯re not the type of person who retaliates on people nor would put yourself and your kids in this kind of spot without a valid reason. You¡¯re the most loving person I know, and there¡¯s a reason we are where we are today. I just think you need to pay attention to that a little more, Beautiful. That¡¯s all. Not for me, not for us, but for you.¡± She then shot me a look of incredulity as if I knew a part of her she didn¡¯t even know herself, the part of her she denied. I leaned in to kiss her and I could feel her release this burden she carried over the last few days as tears trickled down her cheek. Her concerns were real and I greatly respected them, every single one of them, but I had to fight so she would understand there were other angles to consider and not only did our love but she also deserved their consideration. She arrived at eleven and stayed until twelve thirty this day as the talk took us a little more time than she allotted for, but she didn¡¯t seem to care as I felt safer when she left. Upon her return home though, I knew her fears would creep back in as her reality, an actuality I could not see or feel, surrounded her. 1:23 p.m. ¡°Hi! Thank u 4 tea. U ok?¡± ME: ¡°I¡¯m fine. Thanks for letting me know how you were feeling. R u ok?¡± ANYA: ¡°¡°I¡¯m fine. What did u learn about me today?¡± ME: ¡°I learned you have legitimate concerns however they appear to be mostly grounded on fear more than reality which leads to negative thinking. Or as my Grandmother used to say ¡°stinkin¡¯ thinkin¡¯.¡± ANYA: ¡°I try to think positively as well, but when it comes to our situation I get sad hence the negativity. I hope I didn¡¯t bum you out today. It¡¯s been on my mind since the lecture.¡± ME: ¡°I¡¯m fine. Your friends care about both of us, and they see the emotions involved. I just think our love deserves more time than a six month time table.¡± ANYA: ¡°Yes they care and I think they did factor in the level of emotions. I think that is why the pressure. Deb still says one day at a time w/some pressure.¡± ME: ¡°I agree with Debbie.¡± ANYA: ¡°We were together for 1 ? hours today but it flew by so quickly! All that heavy talk! I¡¯m thinking 10ish tom. Ok w/u?¡± ME: ¡°It sounds great babe. Looking forward to seeing you. Can¡¯t wait. You looked beautiful today, as always.¡± ANYA: ¡°Thank u! U looked cute as always! Btw, ur arms felt really nice today! Can¡¯t wait to feel them again tom! I love you forever!¡± ME: ¡°I love you forever too! No question!¡± ANYA: ¡°Ha! No question!¡± Our talk weighed a ton in my head as we obviously both had some things to consider. I felt Debbie¡¯s and Carolyn¡¯s advice came from a good place but they simply did not know the truth and any of the details of our relationship including anything about my upcoming partnership promotion. I truly believed in less than a year¡¯s time we would be more than okay, and I would be able to show her all her fears were just that. I felt Anya deserved happiness in her life, as the source of her happiness believed it was imperative for her to have. I also believed her kids could only benefit from knowing they had a loving mother in their lives, one they no longer had to second guess. I prepared for her visits these days by talking to myself while I prepped my apartment. I simply had to get things out of my head before she arrived in case our talk took a heavy turn and my raw emotions tried to get the best of me. I hoped to not have any serious conversations since we had one the other day, but I needed to be prepared now if she hit me with any unexpected news or future lectures. I knew I simply had to trust in her love and my belief in love to reach our dream and hope. I also couldn¡¯t allow the outside noises that confused her to get the best of me, and with all the emotions I carried it was harder to do. Now, whenever she was with me and removed from the tug of war they all played on her heart, I wanted to hold her in my arms longer, to cherish every second I had with her because I didn¡¯t know what challenges and obstacles tomorrow could bring as I took nothing with her for granted. When she arrived we quickly moved to my bedroom as it was now routine because we wanted to maximize the little time we had together. After the love we shared on our beach and the emotions of our conversation the day before, our show of affection greatly intensified as I wanted to feel every part of her body with every part of mine in order to touch her on the inside. An hour later as I held her in my arms and she ran her fingers through my hair, she began to tell me about her client meeting from the prior evening. ¡°The client I was with last night loves white truffles just as much as I do!¡± she exclaimed. ¡°They¡¯re my favorite!¡± ¡°What¡¯s a white truffle?¡± I asked. ¡°Is it a piece of white chocolate?¡± ¡°Ha! It¡¯s not sweets, Sweets. It¡¯s a mushroom! You can shave them over risotto, pasta and veggies. There¡¯s also white truffle oil which is very tasty. I put it on a lot of dishes I make. It¡¯s very strong though and shouldn¡¯t be used over dishes that compete with strong aromas like garlic.¡± ¡°Oh, I guess I was just a little off there! Kind of lame to admit I¡¯ve never heard of it before.¡± I said as I laughed. ¡°Where do you buy them at? I¡¯ve never seen them at the store. I always see Portobellos, but never white truffles.¡± ¡°You can order them off the Sabani website. That¡¯s where I get them. You can also cook with black truffles too. Not as strong and inexpensive.¡± ¡°Thanks for the tip.¡± I said. ¡°They sound delish. I¡¯m going to have to try them now.¡± ¡°My client also told me something last night I took to heart.¡± ¡°What did your client say?¡± I asked nervously as I feared her positive visit was about to turn. ¡°She told me I should live for the day because we aren¡¯t promised tomorrow.¡± she said as her beautiful soft dark eyes moved upwards to meet mine. ¡°I totally agree. She couldn¡¯t me more right about anything.¡± I said. ¡°I get so caught up in the everyday grind sometimes too I forget I¡¯m not immortal. It¡¯s so important to stop, look up at the stars and come to terms with our insignificance.¡± ¡°I¡¯m going to start living my life that way.¡± she said. ¡°I worry too much about everything. So I¡¯m going to live my life as if I could be gone tomorrow.¡± ¡°I¡¯m glad because I need you around.¡± I said with a smile as I kissed her forehead. ¡°I think stress is the biggest health risk, and I worry about your stress level. So I¡¯m happy to hear that you took what she said to heart.¡± ¡°Thanks babe.¡± she said. ¡°She also told me she just got back from France.¡± ¡°No kidding. Did she go with anyone?¡± ¡°She went with her boyfriend.¡± ¡°That¡¯s wonderful. I¡¯m sure she had a great trip.¡± ¡°She did.¡± she responded. ¡°I would love to go to France one day.¡± ¡°I would love to go to France one day too.¡± ¡°It wouldn¡¯t matter to me where we go together because I¡¯m always the happiest in my life whenever I¡¯m with you.¡± she said. ¡°But I would only go to France with you.¡± ¡°That would be a dream come true for me.¡± I said as I fantasized about a proposal she had no clue about. We then began to kiss passionately as we rolled like waves upon my bed. To know she was the happiest whenever she was with me gave my place in her life instant validity, as it stood as another significant revelation and another truth only I knew of, a feeling the outsiders believed should be shameful to embrace let alone said. With me though, she was free to feel what she truly did, and I always inspired it to come forth. We were on two separate journeys for years, but somehow, we met on same path and it was now one journey we took together. The path was a treacherous one though, as people tried to throw emotional boulders to create obstacles to separate and divide us, but if we took each step together with love and trust, we¡¯d be able to defeat all fears to our beloved destination. I truly believed we were going to do the right thing one day, and possibly break their hearts by opening them up to the endless possibilities in life when true love is the sole purpose. The last time she left my apartment it was in tears, but this time, we left with cheer, hand in hand once again; a much needed positive visit, one we could rest our dreams and hopes upon. She had to work that same evening, a Sunday night since she ¡°played¡± for a day during the week, or maybe because the events of the lecture took a toll on her mind. Why she put so much stock into what the girls said with the knowledge they knew nothing about her husband¡¯s infidelities and the real details of our love worried me a little bit. At least from my angle, it would appear much worse to Carolyn and Debbie if they thought her husband was faithful, so then I could understand them sticking up for him, and administering a stern lecture to her. He really would be a victim in that sense, and as a decent man I would never put another faithful man, whether married or not, through that because he kept his promises, and I respected that because I could easily be in his position. In fact, I would not be in this position today even with all his transgressions if it hadn¡¯t affected Anya so much. Their lecture to her left me to further believe however there existed a missing piece somewhere. A piece so huge it could be a game changer, my greatest fear, the end of us; the end of me. The next day was Memorial Day and I had a paid day off. I had no plans as usual, and I knew I would be unable to see Anya because her kids were off for the day, but I hoped to at least talk to her throughout the day since we both had some free time. Monday, May 26, 2008 7:31 a.m.

¡°Good morning! Happy Memorial Day! Have a good one! I love you!¡±

And that was the extent of her message; a courtesy, purely obligatory with no exchange, as if I didn¡¯t have a single feeling for her. There was no hurtful intention behind it, as I¡¯m sure she felt she showed me kindness and to let me know I was on her mind, but texts like this one actually broke my heart because it made me feel like a nuisance as it left me with an empty feeling on a day I should have enjoyed. It¡¯s easy to say happiness is found from within, but nothing brings more happiness than the euphoric feeling of being in love with someone and feeling needed by that person. It¡¯s like equating nicotine to heroin; the comparison is impaled in contrast; not even close and dead. I didn¡¯t want her to sense I was hurt by her quick exit so I told her I loved her too. The one thing I feared now more than anything especially after a positive visit was to distract her with my feelings and to take time away from her spending it with her kids like I did on her cruise of the bay, but to my dismay, the fa?ade appeared to be on full display. As I remained in bed the rest of the morning and into the afternoon, unable to move, a winter sun broke through in the form of a blinking red light on my phone. 12:49 p.m. ¡°Missing u.¡± Her surprise text made me whole again as I suddenly rose out of bed. ME: ¡°Missing u too. I hope you¡¯re having a nice day.¡± ANYA: ¡°I am sweets. Do you ever fantasize about me?¡± ME: ¡°Of course I do babe. Do you fantasize about me?¡± ANYA: ¡°All the time. Do you have any particular fantasies?¡± ME: ¡°I do.¡± ANYA: ¡°Would you ever share with me?¡± ME: ¡°Of course I would but you have to share one of yours with me too!¡± ANYA: ¡°I have many fantasies with you, babe.¡± ME: ¡°Thank God for that because you¡¯re in every one of mine! Okay, do you want me to reveal one of mine to you?¡± ANYA: ¡°Yes!!!!¡± I had never shared a fantasy with anyone before so this was a huge thing for me to do. I didn¡¯t know how she would accept it, but if I couldn¡¯t reveal at least one to the woman I loved then I had a serious mental block. If anyone earned the right for me to tell her a fantasy of mine, it was her. My heart was whole again now that I knew I was on her mind as much as she was on mine, and I began to feel bad for the way I viewed her morning text. ME: ¡°Alright here it goes. One fantasy I have involves candles and massaging you with baby oil.¡± ANYA: ¡°OMG!!! Sorry I have neighbors over and they won¡¯t leave me alone for a second. Chat later! Love u!¡± ME: ¡°Ok. Love u!¡± It was impossible to not feel disappointed as the fa?ade left me wounded. After I sent her my fantasy text, one in which seemed to turn her off and I should have just kept to myself, I sat in my quiet empty apartment embarrassed and unable to move once again. I began to wish she had let me know in the beginning about her social life, that it was often times one big party with their house being party central. It left me to imagine her and her husband being lavished with praise as they hosted the yearly neighborhood Memorial Day extravaganza; as if there was nothing wrong with the marriage. I wondered if their neighbors were over the house why she would even ask me about my fantasies? What if they were all gathered around her phone and laughed at my revelation and that was the reason for her query about my fantasies? What if this was the norm, a game, and everyone was in on it over there except for me? I felt like a racehorse with a broken leg, rendered useless unable to keep pace with the fa?ade, and just waiting to be put down--I couldn¡¯t shake it off for the life of me. I knew after I received this text about the neighbors, my heart was in trouble today. She sent me a text later that evening as she always did, and I could no longer hide my struggle. 8:45 p.m. ¡°Goodnight sweets.¡± ME: ¡°Goodnight.¡± CHAPTER 25 ~ THE AUDACITY OF DISOBEDIENCE ¡°Disobedience, in the eyes of anyone who has read history, is man¡¯s original virtue. It is through disobedience that progress has been made, through disobedience and through rebellion.¡± ~ Oscar Wilde 9:21 p.m. ¡°Please don¡¯t be mad at me. My neighbors are still over and I can¡¯t really text.¡± I surmised she had to be drunk as I just didn¡¯t see her logic in texting me about my fantasies if she couldn¡¯t text me back. I hated to do it but I didn¡¯t respond back. I was disappointed and I felt I had every right to be. If this bothered me then I needed to be genuine about it. Due to all we¡¯ve shared I didn¡¯t understand the fa?ade but I also didn¡¯t want to respond on raw emotions. We could talk about it in the morning if she truly felt bad about it. The bottom line was this though, a foreign feeling in my life I had just grown to know; I missed her. It was simple as that. I truly missed her beyond telling her ¡°I miss u.¡± as words did the feeling no justice. When I recognized the longing as the true reason for my disenchantment, more than anything she did with her neighbors and kids on Memorial Day, I was able to fall asleep. 5:26 a.m. ¡°Good morning. I think ur mad at me. It broke my heart b/c u shared some intimate things with me and I couldn¡¯t text you back. I¡¯m sorry.¡± 5:27 a.m. ¡°I hope you have a good day. I love you.¡± Anya¡¯s love turned me into a fragile chameleon-man. She could have me go from blue to green; from sadness to happiness, and vice versa with a single text message, in seconds. Her apology was something new in my life because I never had a woman admit to me she was wrong before let alone apologize for it. The time of her texts alone showed sincerity as she didn¡¯t pretend what she did wasn¡¯t hurtful. She knew I was hurt, she took responsibility for it and I appreciated her thoughtfulness. Once I read them I immediately messaged her back to tell her I was fine. I also had to consider she was in the dark most of the time about the way I felt because I held back to avoid eliciting any negative emotions from her around the kids and her husband. It was unnecessary and unfair to her if I did. She never dodged an issue so I always felt secure we¡¯d be able to resolve them sooner than later. 8:13 a.m. ¡°I¡¯m glad ur not mad. I really did feel bad and I¡¯m sorry. I was ¡°on¡± all day and didn¡¯t have a moment to stop. I threw a party with a shitload of kids. I don¡¯t want to disappoint u. I love you and want to know your fantasies and desires. We¡¯re best friends and should be able to share. Talk to u later.¡± Her super early texts warmed my heart and I began to feel bad about the way I felt. I started to picture her at the party wanting so badly to say hello to me, but as the host couldn¡¯t find a way to, overburdened by a ¡°shitload¡± of kids and their parents. She simply couldn¡¯t turn her back on them while she hosted an impromptu party, and I had to put myself in her shoes. I just missed her to death and wanted so badly to spend the day with her in some little way. She was all I had in my life, and that put her in a tough spot because she had people there for her while I was befriended by these plain silent walls. I truly believed though things would change one day so I tried not to let things bother me as much. Later that afternoon she sent me an unexpected sweet text. Words meant to give me life, and an incentive to keep my pain tucked away from her knowledge. 12:20 p.m. ¡°I miss u.¡± ME: ¡°I miss u too. How¡®s your day going? We¡¯re you able to train for your mud run at all?¡± ANYA: ¡°Ok and urs? I didn¡¯t work out today. Don¡¯t feel good.¡± ME: ¡°What¡¯s wrong, babe? Why don¡¯t you feel good? Are you coming down with something?¡± ANYA: ¡°No, I don¡¯t feel good from not working out this morning. Decided to clean the house at 5 a.m. instead of working out. Kids leave traces everywhere! Carolyn ran 10 miles this morning and it¡¯s pissing me off.¡± ME: ¡°Oh! Sorry to hear that. I wish I could help you clean. Are you pissed at Carolyn because she got a work out in and you weren¡¯t able to?¡± ANYA: ¡°I was just kidding about being pissed off. We always tease her because she puts in ¡°secret training hours¡± and acts aloof.¡± ME: ¡°You should hire a private investigator to see what she¡¯s up to! I¡¯m just kidding. Well, I better get back to work here. Thanks for the text. I love you forever!¡± ANYA: ¡°I love you forever!!!¡± I could tell Anya felt bad about Memorial Day as I felt guilty about my thoughts yesterday, but at the same time I couldn¡¯t deny I was human. After her heartfelt texts, I had to lift her spirits and ease any worries she had about me. I couldn''t add to the stress already heaped upon her daily. ME: ¡°Hi Beautiful! How was your day? I miss u.¡± ANYA: ¡°Ok day. I just got out of a meeting for upcoming dance competitions for Katie. I¡¯m at the grocery store now before I have to pick her up at 9:30. How r u babe? I miss u terribly.¡± ME: ¡°Just worried about you over there. Are you going to work out tomorrow? Why was it just an ¡°ok¡± day for you? Do you want to talk about it? Your best friend is here for you if you need him.¡± ANYA: ¡°Running 8 miles in the morning and taking a kickboxing class! I just felt really bad about last night. You shared and I couldn¡¯t text you back. It made me sad. It made me sad to disappoint you.¡± ME: ¡°Beautiful, please don¡¯t feel bad. It¡¯s okay babe. No harm done. I¡¯m sorry I made you feel that way. You were really busy and I totally understand. I should share them with you in person anyway, not through a text.¡± ANYA: ¡°I know but in a perfect world I¡¯d be able to text u back.¡± ME: ¡°Believe me babe, the world IS perfect because YOU¡¯RE in it. It¡¯s no big deal. I¡¯m sorry I let it bother me at all. I miss u, that¡¯s all.¡± ANYA: ¡°Don¡¯t b. I can¡¯t even imagine what you have to deal with on your end.¡± ME: ¡°Sweetheart, we¡¯re in this together. I know it¡¯s tough on you too, and it¡¯s harder than ever before after all we¡¯ve shared, but nothing worth having in life is going to be easy. We have to remember we¡¯re going to have hiccups along the way. I think this builds us more than breaks us.¡± ANYA: ¡°Ur right! I know babe¡­I don¡¯t know what to say. I wish I could hold u right now and tell u I¡¯ll b ¡°home¡± tomorrow. It¡¯s getting harder than ever. Idk¡­¡± ME: ¡°I¡¯m okay babe. We¡¯ll be okay. Great things take a little time. I¡¯ll do a better job being patient. Please don¡¯t ever doubt my love for you. It¡¯s as solid as the earth below your feet. I love you very much.¡± ANYA: ¡°I don¡¯t doubt your love for me! I feel it with every part of my body! I love you forever!¡± ME: ¡°I love you forever!¡± After that heartfelt textchange, the very reason on display why I loved her so much, we were able to put the ¡°Memorial Day Missing¡± behind us, as I believed better days lied ahead. Anya had another busy week ahead of her. Her kids had their final exams for the year so she had to be on homework duty every evening. She also had to take Katie to and from the dance studio as she trained for upcoming dance competitions, one in June and another in New York City the following month. Her company also needed her attention as it underwent more changes, and this weekend she had a planned trip to Palm Springs with a group of girlfriends that also included Carolyn and Debbie. She kindly included me in her schedule too as she made plans to see me on her return home from Palm Springs on Sunday afternoon. When Friday May thirtieth arrived, the day she left for Palm Springs, she made sure she didn¡¯t forget the importance of the day. 6:37 a.m. ¡°Good morning! Happy 6 months! Xoxo!¡± By far the best six months of my life, and even though they were emotionally fueled, the highs overcame the lows as I believed our future together held great promise. Later that morning however, I received a bizarre text message from her, and it put my heart and sanity back on red alert. 9:32 a.m. ¡°Hi! Are you there?¡± The last time I received a text from her like this; it was to inform me her husband was suspicious. With a ¡°Babe¡± or an ¡°I miss u¡± absent from this unexpected text I began to fear the worst. ME: ¡°Hi! I¡¯m here. What r u up to?¡± ANYA: ¡°Up to no good! JK! Was out to breakfast w/an old friend. What r u up to?¡± ME: ¡°Oh nothing much. Just about to step into work. What time are you leaving for Palm Springs? I miss u!¡± ANYA: ¡°Around 11 this morning. I miss u too! If I can do it next Sunday can u meet around 4 p.m.at the Pacific Grill for a spill and a sunset for the one year anniversary of our first date?¡± I had to read her text a few times to revel in the joy it brought me as I even fought back tears because I was so overwhelmed by the beauty of it. After all the missing, it meant a lot as the dread of the long work day ahead of me got a whole lot easier to stomach. ME: ¡°I can definitely meet you! Thank you so much. I love u!¡± ANYA: ¡°K, I¡¯ll try my best. I just heard Bryan Adams ¡°I¡¯d do it for u¡± on the radio. I miss u sooooooo much!!! I love you forever!!¡± As I put my phone away I smiled widely as I thanked a popular eighties musician for writing a song I never gave much thought to until now. Her thoughtfulness put all my positive thoughts back in orbit where they belonged as an energetic elation warmed inside of me. It meant so much simply because one, I couldn¡¯t plan anything like this for us because of her situation, and two, it gave me a chance to make things right after I walked out on her that night. For her to find a way to see me at four p.m. on a Sunday, I knew she had convinced Carolyn and Debbie how much our relationship meant to her. They were integral to our survival as they helped give her an excuse so we could meet, and I was just happy they acknowledged what we had was special enough to do so. If they couldn¡¯t stand up for love, then we had very little hope, but with their support, it filled my heart with hope and eased the missing I felt. A little later that same evening I received a gift from Palm Springs as my phone¡¯s red light began to blink. 8:01 p.m. ¡°Hi! At dinner having appetizers. The girls are trying to decide on where to go after dinner. I could easily go home but I don¡¯t think that¡¯s gonna happen.¡± ME: ¡°You want to go back home to Long Beach already? Haha!¡± ANYA: ¡°Not home in LB! I meant back to Carolyn¡¯s vacation home here in Palm Springs. I would love to come home to u!¡± ME: ¡°I would love to have you here! You should enjoy the night life, Sweetheart. I¡¯m sure there are some clubs around there.¡± ANYA: ¡°Those days r over baby. Long long time ago! How I would love 4 u to come and get me! I love u!¡± ME: ¡°I love u too! I would have no problem coming out there to get you.¡± ANYA: ¡°Ahhh¡­ that¡¯s so sweet. How I wish. I love u babe.¡± I began to get the impression this trip was possibly made so we could spend some time together. ¡°Was I blowing a golden opportunity?¡± I wondered. Without a second¡¯s hesitation I would¡¯ve been out to Palm Springs to pick her up in a heartbeat, but it was also possible Carolyn and Debbie would give her a hard time if she ditched them again like she did in Laguna Beach. I didn¡¯t want to create any strife between them, and if they went out there to have fun among girlfriends and I showed up, I think they would¡¯ve held it against her, and us. I missed her enough to rescue her no matter how tired I was as euphoria breathed new life into me whenever I had a chance to see her, but I decided it was best to just leave it alone unless she asked me to. Later that evening when I thought I had heard the last from her, my cell phone¡¯s light began to blink again as my heart raced with excitement and possibilities. 11:08 p.m. ¡°Are you still awake?¡± ME: ¡°I¡¯m awake, babe. Where did you girls end up going?¡± ANYA: ¡°We¡¯re at a dance club now and all the girls r inside on the dance floor. I just want to go home. Outside getting fresh air. Love u!¡± ME: ¡°I wish I could be there with you. I love u too! I¡¯m sorry you¡¯re not having a good time. Are you going back inside?¡± ANYA: ¡°I don¡¯t want to go in! I¡¯m tempted 2 take the taxi back! I can¡¯t even sit in the lobby w/o people asking me why I¡¯m alone! I guess I¡¯ll go in soon to meet up w/the girls. Just don¡¯t want to deal w/¡­¡± ME: ¡°I¡¯m sorry I¡¯m not there to save you from all the nonsense. Take the taxi back if you want to, but you can stay on the phone with me. I¡¯m not going to bed anytime soon.¡± ANYA: ¡°Ok, I guess I¡¯m going in now. Wish me luck!¡± ME: ¡°K. Good luck. I love u!¡± Ten minutes later¡­ ANYA: ¡°I just walked back out! Meat market! I can¡¯t stand it! I¡¯ll just wait 4 them in the lobby. I¡¯m bored to tears. I¡¯ll let you go. Goodnight! Love u too!¡± ME: ¡°You can stay with me on the phone, Sweetheart. I¡¯m not going to bed yet. Don¡¯t go inside if you don¡¯t feel up to it, but I think you should try to have some fun with your friends. How many girls did you go with?¡± ANYA: ¡°There¡¯s 6 of us. 4 flaked.¡± ME: ¡°I¡¯ll tell you what, when I see you tomorrow, I¡¯ll make up for your lost night. I have something special planned for you, for us.¡± ANYA: ¡°What babe?¡± ME: ¡°I can¡¯t tell you! It¡¯s a surprise!¡± ANYA: ¡°Please tell me now babe! Please!¡± ME: ¡°Sorry Beautiful, but you will have to wait! Now please do me a favor and go back in there and have fun with your friends! I love you forever!¡± ANYA: ¡°K! I love you forever! Goodnight! Until tomorrow! I can¡¯t wait!!!¡± She text me again at one in the morning when she came back from the dance club, but I was already several sheets to the wind. I then began to feel bad about the negativity the situation brought forth within me as my resignation to sorrow didn¡¯t allow me to see her trip to Springs as a chance to meet until she messaged me, but now I felt the trip was made for just that. Thankful for the opportunity to see her the next day however, I vowed to make it up to her. On the following morning, Anya sent an early text to let me know she would be at my place at nine-thirty, but unfortunately, it was nine-thirty when she messaged again to let me know she was in some really bad traffic. It wasn¡¯t until a little after noon when she arrived at my apartment, and I could tell the minute I met her at the gate she was a bit flustered about the commute, but it was a good excuse to bring her into my arms to tell her I¡¯m just happy she¡¯s safe and with me. The very second she stepped inside my apartment, in a shiny purple blouse and white pants, she came into my arms as our lips satisfied the thirst for each other. I gently brought my lips upon the nape of her neck and took in a perfect scent of lotion and perfume, and I could have stayed there for hours breathing her in. Anya always brought the best of herself whenever she visited; she always looked good, she always felt good, and she always smelled good. The crazy thing was even if she didn¡¯t bring her best self when she saw me; I wouldn¡¯t have cared because I loved being around her so much. ¡°Well, are you ready for your surprise?¡± I asked as I reluctantly came up for air. ¡°Yes!¡± she exclaimed excitedly as she quickly grabbed my hand and turned around to head for my bedroom, but I didn¡¯t budge. When she turned to face me in confusion, I smiled as I moved behind her to point her in the opposite direction. I then wrapped my arms around her and slowly began to guide her into the direction of my living room. ¡°In here, Beautiful.¡± I said, kissing her neck. ¡°What are we doing?¡± she asked bewildered. ¡°I just want you to know what I¡¯m about to do, what we¡¯re about to do¡­hopefully I won¡¯t be alone afterwards, is something I¡¯ve never done before. It¡¯s important for you to know this.¡± I said as I now broke away to walk over to my desktop computer. ¡°I don¡¯t know how this is going to go so please bear with me. I¡¯ll do my best. First timer here.¡± ¡°What is it, babe?¡± she asked softly with love in her eyes. I tried to make my apartment comfortably cozy and used the blinds to dim the sunlight from outside as three large candles burned on my coffee table. I then used my mouse to select an option on my tool bar and turned off the monitor. Silence surrounded us as I moved towards her, gently took her left hand in my right and brought her body against mine. I then slowly swayed and gazed adoringly into her curious brown eyes. ¡°I hope this is to your liking. I thought it defined us the best.¡± I said as Michael Buble¡¯s version of ¡°I Can¡¯t Help Falling in Love with You¡± began to repel the silence. ¡°Oh my god, babe. It¡¯s perfect.¡± she said as her lips met mine. "I love you.¡± I never cared for dancing, in fact if I hated to do anything in life, it was dancing. I always found it ridiculous. Turn off the music and imagine if aliens were observing us from above; after they were finished cracking jokes they would probably blow our planet to bits right then and there. I wasn¡¯t too bad of a dancer but I wasn¡¯t too good of one either and I could never envision myself slow dancing at my apartment in my entire lifetime. The thing was, I never envisioned meeting what I considered to be the most beautiful woman in the world in my eyes, and now here I was enjoying myself doing something I always hated to do. Not only was I in love; but truly deeply in love. After her disappointment from the previous evening, I feared I let her down by not rescuing her, and I regretted not showing up for even ten minutes just to be with her. I should have realized she probably thought I was beat from the long week in Hesperia but with her, always with her, it didn¡¯t matter because every time I saw her felt like the first and the last time I ever would, and the adrenaline rush never allowed me to feel tired when it came to her. As much as I disliked dancing, with her in my arms, I enjoyed it immensely. Anytime. Anywhere. No matter who was around, with her, for her, everything I did was easy because it was so enjoyable. As we held each other and swayed to the music, I listened to the lyrics and thought about our journey together. Through this simple dance, I could tell by the way she looked into my eyes, the way her body moved into mine, the way she held my hand, the way she said ¡°I love you¡±, and with every word of the song, I found true love. I believed our destiny looked just like this; a man who never cared to dance with a woman who loved to dance enjoying a dance they would never forget. Everything I did in life was easy with her and I never had to pretend to be someone I was not, because through this simple singular act alone, I learned this was the real me, that around her I was not self-conscious about anything I did and this was who I truly was. Not a great dancer, not a man who loved to dance, but a man who would do anything to make the woman he loved happy. When the song was over, we danced to it again and then to a few more songs after that, as we kissed the entire time to every song before she had to leave, but never had I seen her leave my place with a larger smile than the one she flashed before she left. We never made it to my bedroom to make love that day, but it was because we already did. 8:16 a.m.

¡°Good morning! How r u? I loved our gentle dance yesterday! I keep playing that song over and over in my head. It¡¯s my new favorite song now!¡±

ME: ¡°I¡¯m good! I¡¯m happy you enjoyed the song I picked. Believe me, I fretted all night about it! I can dance with you all night long. Thanks again for coming by. How r u?¡± ANYA: ¡°Well rested! Finished hill training. Meeting the girls for kickboxing class at 9. I loved yesterday! I played that song this morning! I love it! Loved your tender kisses! I miss u baby!¡± ME: ¡°I miss you too. Yesterday will be with me for a long long time.¡± ANYA: ¡°Yesterday was so much fun. I love your smell. Your face smelled so sweet! You smell like Landyn!¡± I couldn¡¯t get over how beautiful she looked yesterday, and now the beauty of her thought to meet at Pacific Grill, the site of our first date when I left her there, alone, cold, because I didn¡¯t understand all the beauty in front of me gave me a sense of redemption as I dreamt of another chance to right a wrong and to make it beautiful for her; to truly make the sun jealous once again. The next day was Monday, June second, two thousand and eight, and even though it marked the one year anniversary of the night our eyes first met, it felt I had known her my entire life as it became much harder to fathom I spent most of my life without her eyes in mine. It made me wonder how I made it for thirty-six years without knowing her for a single day up until this day last year. It just proved how your whole life could change with a lightning strike if it took that long at all; a single glance and a two syllable word, ¡°hello¡±, could introduce you to the meaning of your life. It was a bittersweet day however as I wished I could spend the day with her and an opportunity to make it a special one to show her how thankful I was she said hello to me that night. My only hope was a year from now, at this time, she would be in my arms to celebrate it together. 6:44 a.m. ¡°Happy 1 year! Good morning! I listened to that song at the gym on my Ipod. I thought about our dance! I¡¯ll never take that song 4 granted now! I¡¯ll think of our 1st dance every time I hear that song! I love you forever!¡± To receive a text from her that early on a Monday morning was a significant gesture. Mondays were always extremely busy mornings for her, and for me as well, as our workload usually let up a little later in the day to text. I had a busy week because I had to tie loose ends at the office because of my week out in Hesperia, and Anya had to spend two days in her business offices as well this week. Anya text messaged me in the late afternoon to tell me she and her friends were trying to get tickets to go see the Psychedelic Furs and Yaz in July, as they were playing at the Orange County Fair. 5:42 p.m. ¡°Do u remember them? I¡¯m aging myself. It would be a total flashback experience!¡± ME: ¡°I¡¯ve heard of the Psychedelic Furs, but I couldn¡¯t tell you a song by them although I guarantee I¡¯ve heard one by them before. I just wouldn¡¯t know they were the ones who sang it! I don¡¯t remember Yaz at all though, to be honest.¡± ANYA: ¡°I bet you do remember some of their songs. Way before your time!¡± ME: ¡°Way before my time? You¡¯re only three years older than me, babe!¡± Later that evening however, after she wished me goodnight, she sent me a distress text. Stolen from its rightful author, this tale is not meant to be on Amazon; report any sightings. 8:03 p.m. ¡°Hi! I did something stupid tonite! I was pouring hot boiling water in the sink and it poured on me. Got my stomach!¡± ME: ¡°Are you okay? I¡¯m so sorry. Were you doing something else at the same time? How badly were you burned?¡± ANYA: ¡°I was trying to step over Suki so she wouldn¡¯t have to move for me. It looks like a 2nd degree burn. About five inches along across my belly. I¡¯m ok just some pain. Just took a Vicodin.¡± ME: ¡°I¡¯m very sorry to hear that Sweetheart. I wish there was something I could do. I love you.¡± ANYA: ¡°Thank you. I love you too! I will get sleepy soon from the Vicodin so I should say goodnight again. I just hope this doesn¡¯t affect my training and mud run. I¡¯d be so bummed.¡± ME: ¡°I hope it¡¯s not that bad, babe. Did Suki sense something happened to you? Animals have a sixth sense about things like that.¡± ANYA: ¡°Thanks babe. Yeah seriously! She can sense something is wrong. She keeps licking me! Ok babe, Vicodin is starting to kick in. Goodnight. I love u forever.¡± ME: ¡°Goodnight. I love u forever too.¡± It brought me right back to the night her son broke his arm and to a feeling of helplessness, but I was relieved to hear it didn¡¯t require a trip to the emergency room. If we were together though, she would probably get irritated with me at times like this because I would wait on her hand and foot. I felt this accident would have been entirely averted with me in her life as I began to recognize she needed help in the kitchen especially after dinner during clean up times. Over the last six months, I took notice she cooked dinner during the week and her husband let her deal with the mess in the kitchen while the kids probably ran amok. I didn¡¯t think I¡¯d make the perfect husband, I¡¯m sure I¡¯d fall short on some things as well, but I believed I was conscientious enough to at least recognize this wasn¡¯t the fifties anymore and the traditional family roles had changed by now. I¡¯m sure he was fatigued as well but could he not recognize she could be exhausted by the end of the day with all the running around she did? That a simple task when fatigued wasn¡¯t as simple? It just crushed me to know I couldn¡¯t be there for her, and again, I saw another side to her husband I didn¡¯t care much for. Very early that next morning I messaged her to get an update. 6:00 a.m. ¡°Good morning! Much better! Doesn¡¯t look as bad. Broken skin but I think I¡¯ll be ok for the mud run. How r u?¡± ME: ¡°I¡¯m happy to hear that! I¡¯m good now knowing you¡¯re good! Can¡¯t wait for Sunday. 5 more days to go!¡± ANYA: ¡°Thanks baby! I was thinking about Sunday. I¡¯m not so sure if I want to go to the Pacific Grill.¡± My stomach began to turn as I feared she would cite her injury the previous evening as occurring due to the distraction of having me on her mind, and she now reconsidered meeting up with me for the one year anniversary of our first date. ME: ¡°Ok, Sweetheart. Did you have something else in mind?¡± ANYA: ¡°Well, I can see u from 4ish to 10ish. Did we still want to go there for just a spill and a sunset or go out to dinner somewhere?¡± ME: ¡°So let me get this straight. You want to go out on a real date?¡± ANYA: ¡°As close to a real date as possible.¡± When I read this text, tears fell from my face without warning as I was overcome by pure elation. The word ¡°we¡± is such a simple word, but people hardly use it when they made plans, but on display was why it was so easy to love her. It was always ¡°we¡± and never ¡°I¡± from her when she made plans for us although she was the one at the greatest risk. ¡°We¡± was everything in a relationship, but after my initial elation I became torn at the same time as I had to consider her. I was ecstatic to know I would have six whole hours to spend with her but torn as it would put her at risk because we would be out in public if we went out to dinner. With six hours away from home and a suspicious husband, I didn¡¯t think it bode well for her, or for us. ME: ¡°I would love to but where did you have in mind?¡± ANYA: ¡°I thought we could go have dinner way down south, somewhere like San Clemente, skip the sunset, and go back to your place to dance! Is that ok?¡± ME: ¡°Ok? Not only does it sound like the perfect evening but also a dream come true! I would love to do that! Are you sure?¡± ANYA: ¡°Yes!! I love you!!!¡± ME: ¡°I love you too!!!¡± She blew me away with her plan, and it was easy to go along with because it was a dream come true. I wanted so bad to be seen with her on my arm, for the world to see us together, but I loved her and the public eye was a dangerous place for her. As badly as I wanted to go out on a romantic dinner with her I had to recognize the peril it would put her in, so later that day I reluctantly messaged her to throw an alternative idea her way. ME: ¡°Hi babe. What r u up to?¡± ANYA: ¡°Sitting at a soccer field now. Tryouts!¡± ME: ¡°Is Andrew already out of his cast?¡± ANYA: ¡°No, but by the time the season starts he won¡¯t be in his cast anymore. He had to show up for tryouts though.¡± ME: ¡°Oh I see. I¡¯m happy to hear that! I can¡¯t wait for Sunday!¡± ANYA: ¡°Me too! It was just an idea. If you want to go to the Pacific Grill we can. I don¡¯t mind.¡± ME: ¡°I love your idea. I think meeting at the Pacific Grill from where we live would take up at least 3 hours of our time together.¡± ANYA: ¡°Do u even want to go out to dinner or do u want to have dinner brought in?¡± ME: ¡°I would love to go out to dinner with you, but I was thinking we¡¯d have more time to dance if we just brought it in. What do u think?¡± ANYA: ¡°Yes! Let¡¯s order in! Can¡¯t wait! I love you forever!!!¡± ME: ¡°Perfect! I love you forever!!!¡± With our meeting place finally settled, I knew I¡¯d have to make it epic to make up for the lost romantic dinner out. The following evening I couldn¡¯t contain my excitement about Sunday, and with six hours to spend with her to celebrate the one year anniversary of our first meeting, I felt bulletproof. Since it was a Wednesday night, and I figured she was out running the kids around, I sent her a text to say hello, something I rarely initiated, but after she suffered a bad burn the other night, I felt I had better check on her. Her response however took me by surprise. 9:06 p.m. ¡°Sorry client dinner!¡± Her text caught me off guard because she didn¡¯t mention anything about it being on her plate this week as I found myself suddenly torn; was this really a client dinner or was this something called a ¡°client dinner¡±? The only reason I questioned it in my mind was because she never mentioned anything about it to me, and she usually did. I understood client dinners were the norm for business owners. They came with the territory and were necessary to build a clientele. Businesses also received a meal and entertainment expense tax deduction which gave them more of an incentive to take clients out, but with the knowledge now she still shared the same bed with her husband and mixed in with a couple of cocktails, these dinners were hard to discount. I trusted her love for me though, and her feelings were real and deep, but I began to fear they were not on par with the depth of mine. I missed this woman the very minute I woke up in the morning. I missed her in my sleep as well, and I missed her the very second every time she left my apartment after a visit. With all the time she spent with other people, I found it hard to believe she missed me as much as she said she did, but after every visit she made and after every text message she sent, I also had every right to believe she did too. I simply had to put my complete trust in her. I had to believe she had zero incentive to hurt me in such a manner even though the situation called for it at times so I chalked up my feelings to missing her terribly, and just found a way to fall asleep. 10:40 p.m. ¡°Goodnight! Xoxo!¡± 6:59 a.m. ¡°Good morning! Sorry about last night. I was in OC late, couldn¡¯t get away! I miss u!¡± I missed her goodnight text because I fell asleep before she sent it. It just surprised me she was out in Orange County on a client dinner without telling me about it especially taken into consideration I lived in Orange County. It bummed me out for her to be so near yet the man who loved her more than anyone couldn¡¯t be the man in her company last night. At any rate, in three days we would see each other again and I didn¡¯t want to screw anything up by being too sensitive due to my past with other women. Her late night text, just like her plan to meet me for six hours in honor of our first meeting, was very thoughtful, and the reason I loved her so much. On this particular day, a Thursday, she had a school play to attend in the morning, a chorus concert for her daughter and another school play for her son later that evening at two different schools as the school year neared its end. Regardless she still found time to text me in the afternoon. 12:45 p.m. ¡°Good afternoon baby! Hope ur having a good day! I¡¯m sooo excited for Sunday! Can¡¯t wait to be in ur arms again!!! Three more days!! I miss u. I love u.¡± ME: ¡°Good afternoon Beautiful! I hope ur having a good day too! I¡¯m really excited about Sunday! I miss u and love u too! When is the last day of school for the kids?¡± ANYA: ¡°They both get out next Thursday. Andrew graduates from elementary school next Wednesday. Summer is going to b interesting. I just miss u so much it hurts! Miss ur kiss.¡± Whenever I received texts such as these, all the negativity I felt dissipated into thin air. It opened my eyes up to the way she dealt with the missing as well, and I knew exactly how she felt because I simply felt the same. A few hours later while thinking of her, she sent me a text, one of those unexpected ones that provided evidence of our connection. 4:44 p.m. ¡°I love you!¡± The only people who could ever understand how meaningful it is to receive an unelicited ¡°I love you¡± text from someone you love more than life itself are the ones who know how it is to be truly in love with someone. ME: ¡°I love you too!!! Are u at the chorus concert?¡± ANYA: ¡°Not yet. Waiting to pick her up from tutoring.¡± ME: ¡°Ok! I miss u!¡± ANYA: ¡°I miss u too! R u excited about tonight¡¯s game?¡± ME: ¡°Are you talking about The Lakers game?¡± ANYA: ¡°Yes!¡± ME: ¡°I guess you can say I am. I¡¯ve been a Lakers fan for a long time. My mom and I even watch the games together so I¡¯ll be watching tonight. It¡¯s the NBA Finals and it¡¯s the Boston Celtics! That¡¯s must see TV for sure. How¡¯s your tummy babe?¡± ANYA: ¡°I wish I could watch it w/u. U might get irritated though since I¡¯m not a basketball fan. Boo boo is better thanks! Healing. Ready for sat! R u ready for Sunday? JK!¡± ME: ¡°Happy to hear your boo boo is feeling better. I am so ready for Sunday! Sunday is everything to me!¡± ANYA: ¡°Awww babe! I can¡¯t wait for Sunday!! I miss u like mad! Xoxo!!¡± Her words of missing me rung even more true as she text me from her daughter¡¯s chorus concert. 8:10 p.m. ¡°Xoxo! Score?¡± ME: ¡°The Lakers lost, babe. Are you still at the chorus concert?¡± ANYA: ¡°I¡¯m still here at the performance. That¡¯s too bad. I¡¯m sorry. Oh well, there¡¯s another game on Sunday u know.¡± ME: ¡°I have something more important happening on Sunday! When it comes to you, the Lakers don¡¯t exist even if they¡¯re in the Finals.¡± ANYA: ¡°Awwwww! Can¡¯t wait!¡± Anya had a full weekend as usual. She had her son¡¯s teacher¡¯s retirement party on Friday night and a carb loading dinner with Carolyn and Debbie afterwards. She then had her mud run early Saturday morning, and was also hosting a party for some of her fellow mud runners that same evening. She kept me in the loop throughout the day, thankfully, as she couldn¡¯t hold back her excitement for Sunday. 10:25 a.m. ¡°U r so on my mind every second! Hard to believe it¡¯s only been a week since we danced at your place. I swear it feels like a month! Honestly, what the heck?¡± ME: ¡°At least a month! All I can say is the feeling is more than mutual, thankfully for me or I¡¯d be in trouble.¡± ANYA: ¡°What are we going to eat on Sunday? Any suggestions?¡± ME: ¡°I¡¯m up for anything! Is there something you have in mind?¡± ANYA: ¡°Anything? Even pasta?¡± ME: ¡°Babe, you know how I became possibly the only Italian on the planet who doesn¡¯t like pasta! I forgot I told you about that story. I¡¯m fine with pasta if that¡¯s what you want.¡± ANYA: ¡°I was just kidding! I¡¯m good with a sandwich or even a pizza! I don¡¯t care as long as it¡¯s not meat or fish. I¡¯m so in love with you. Two more days!!¡± ME: ¡°I¡¯m so in love with u too! Pasta it is then!¡± ANYA: ¡°No babe, I was kidding! I¡¯ll have enough pasta in me after tonight to last me awhile! We¡¯re going to carb load for the race. Seriously I don¡¯t care! Something easy!¡± ME: ¡°We have a sushi place nearby. I think they have vege and cucumber rolls. How does that sound?¡± ANYA: ¡°Perfect!¡± Later that Friday afternoon as I was Sunday dreaming, I initiated a text a few hours later to see how her day was going. 3:30 p.m. ¡°I was just thinking about u! Day is going well! Played all day and didn¡¯t get a thing done! Well, I did pick up laundry and went to the bank. That counts, right?¡± ME: ¡°I think so! Good for you Sweetheart! You deserve a day to play.¡± ANYA: ¡°I know I keep repeating but I can¡¯t wait to see u again! I just want to be near u, touching u, kissing u, smelling u!¡± ME: ¡°I feel the same longing for u too, but you always find a way to touch me without touching me. I can¡¯t wait to have you in my eyes again. You¡¯re my body. You¡¯re my soul.¡± My feelings and their connection with hers astounded me every time. I just never thought love existed, even as much as I believed in it, in this way. Love was a lot like dying; you could never be prepared for it when it happens to you. My feelings and my communication of them to her weren¡¯t contrived at all. I never felt an obligation to respond to her feelings, mine just poured out of me naturally in reaction simply because I felt the exact same way. Saturday felt brutally long as the anticipation and close proximity of Sunday fell upon me. Anya had her mud run that morning and so I waited until a little after eleven to see how she did. 11:25 a.m. ¡°Hi! We¡¯re done and having beers! I placed 15th in my old age group. Oh well it was fun!!! Miss u babe!¡± ME: ¡°That¡¯s the most important thing. Having fun and getting some great exercise! I wish I could enjoy running as much as you do. I don¡¯t know how you do it. How many people were in your age group? ANYA: ¡°95.¡± ME: ¡°95? You did great babe! I¡¯m proud of you! You should be proud!¡± ANYA: ¡°Thanks baby! I love you forever!¡± ME: ¡°I love you forever!¡± After our exchange I didn¡¯t expect to hear from her the rest of the day, but she sent me a text during the party she hosted to say hi and we had a brief exchange. Usually a night like this would be a tough lonely one, but her visit the next day made me feel at peace, and when Sunday finally arrived, excitement ruled the morning. 9:50 a.m. ¡°Good morning! It¡¯s Sunday at last! How r u baby?¡± ME: ¡°Sunday at last! Never better!¡± I eviscerated my apartment before she arrived, like I always did. I never just organized some things and dusted for her visits, but I actually cleaned every item, from my coffee table to the candle holders to the standing lamp. I scrubbed my walls, swept and mopped. I polished all my wooden furniture and even scoured the top of the refrigerator, something she¡¯d certainly never notice but the things she didn¡¯t see were important because it truly represented a clean place, and not a cover up. I didn¡¯t believe I was OCD about it, I never used a toothbrush and took it to extremes, but I wanted my apartment to always be immaculate for her because she deserved it to be. After my past failures with women I never took our love for granted, and if we were married I would be the same way. I ordered the sushi rolls and vege rolls for pick up and at three fifteen I went to get them. I arrived back home from the Sushi place at three forty-five and had fifteen minutes to make our dinner look presentable. I then prepared two plates each with two glass tumblers, two wine glasses and proper silverware on my kitchen countertop so we could eat right away if she was hungry. Although tempted, I left the bottle of wine uncorked until she arrived. I then grabbed two small white unscented candles, which I lit and placed on the countertop as well. After I lit the candles, I realized I didn¡¯t have cloth napkins and only paper towels. I then began to fear my classy candlelight dinner taking a turn for the worse as I imagined the cheap mismatched paper towels catching fire after I drunkenly knocked one of my candles over. It was a small detail I missed, and it bummed me out as Anya was used to pristine client dinners. Even though I felt my presentation was now cheapened, and I now couldn¡¯t compete with any truly romantic dinners from her past, I blamed my masculinity for the lack of foresight. At four exactly, I saw the blinking red light on my phone, and I then read my two favorite words on the planet to see from her, ¡°I¡¯m here¡±. I jogged with haste to the gate to seize extra precious seconds with her. The sun still shone triumphantly above me as my vision became inundated with all the yellow, purple and red colored flowers around me because the beauty in such things was easy to take notice of now. When I opened the gate though, true beauty greeted me dressed in a thin black cocktail dress with her hair exquisitely done. Anya truly looked beautiful in anything she wore as her sense of fashion was not of this world or even close to what I was accustomed to seeing. She wore every color to natural perfection like the flowers around us as her voluptuous body and the way her dark hair laid gracefully along her face, down her back and on her shoulders accentuated whatever she wore. As the sun rays danced on her bare tan skin and as the dress fit perfectly around her subtle curves, she never looked more beautiful. It wasn¡¯t just the dress she wore, but the warm smile she gave, the exuberance in her cheeks, and the delicate love in her eyes which exposed her heart to me and added to her splendor. Not once has any woman free to love me in any way, had ever cared enough to dress up. When Anya showed up in her dress, something she dreamt about doing as much as I dreamt about seeing, made me feel special to a woman for the first time. It was clear, she cared about the way she looked as much as I cared about the way I looked, the way my apartment looked, and that¡¯s the way it should be. What stood before me on this day was a show of love; she wanted me to love her as much as I wanted her to love me, and that¡¯s everything in a healthy relationship. ¡°I never thought you could look more beautiful than you always do.¡± I told her. ¡°I was very wrong.¡± She then grabbed my hand and smiled before shyly bowing her head. ¡°Thank you babe.¡± she said. ¡°You look so handsome! I¡¯m so happy!¡± ¡°No thank you!¡± I said as I grabbed a fairly heavy paper bag she held onto. After we were inside my apartment, I locked the door as I always did, but before I could put down the dense bag she brought, she fell into my arms as the need to taste each other overtook us. After a few minutes passed we finally came up for oxygen with grins on our faces. ¡°What¡¯s in the bag?¡± I asked. ¡°Sake!¡± she said excitedly. ¡°I thought it would go good with our meal. Have you ever tried it before?¡± ¡°I tried it once a while back. I liked it though! Great idea!¡± ¡°It should help loosen us up!¡± ¡°Thank you for bringing this. It means a lot. I¡¯m glad you still trust me. We both know what happened the last time you were here.¡± I said as I referred to the last time I got drunk at my apartment. ¡°I promise that won¡¯t ever happen again.¡± ¡°That¡¯s in the past babe.¡± she said as she leaned in to kiss me. ¡°I love you.¡± ¡°I love you too.¡± ¡°Oh babe¡± she said as she saw my dinner set-up. ¡°So sweet of you. So romantic!¡± ¡°I¡¯m glad you like it. It¡¯s my first attempt at a candlelight dinner.¡± I said. ¡°Minus the paper towels it¡¯s not too bad.¡± ¡°I love it.¡± she said as she leaned in to kiss me again. I pulled her stool out for her as she sat down before I walked over to my computer and started to play some soft music, songs she burned for me over the last six months. I then walked behind the counter into my kitchen, grabbed two shot glasses and began to pour us each a shot of sake. I then walked back around over to her with sake bottle in tow and handed her a full shot glass. Before we took our shots, I placed the bottle on the counter top, took my seat next to her, and put my hand gently along her neck to bring her face to mine. After a minute of affection passed, we reluctantly pulled apart and then clanked our sake shots together. ¡°To us.¡± she said. ¡°To us.¡± After the first shot went down warm and smooth, I thought another couple of shots couldn¡¯t hurt since we still had six hours to play with. After we each took two more shots, we then got lost in ourselves. ¡°I¡¯m curious about something.¡± ¡°What is it?¡± I asked. ¡°How come you never drunk dial me?¡± she asked. ¡°Drunk dial you?¡± I started to laugh. ¡°I only get drunk when I¡¯m with you! I can call you now if you want me to.¡± ¡°Ha! You go out though, don¡¯t you?¡± she asked. ¡°You know, not since I started seeing you. I¡¯ve either been here or at my parent¡¯s house.¡± I said. ¡°I don¡¯t drink alone.¡± ¡°You¡¯re very responsible.¡± ¡°I try to be.¡± I said before lightly grabbing her hand upon hearing the sound of Michael Buble¡¯s ¡°You and I¡± fill the air of my apartment. ¡°May I have this dance?¡± A smile of gargantuan proportions broke on her face as she slowly rose from her seat, and I gazed into her eyes as her right hand naturally fell into my left. Our bodies moved into and with one another, and we began to kiss as we entered another realm of unearthly existence. Even though I was in familiar surroundings I was also in unfamiliar territory. I closed my eyes and began to imagine we were dancing at our wedding as I knew it would be just like this. I then put my right hand firmly on her waist as she pressed her left hand upon my chest and I felt her body heat emanate through her thin dress. ¡°It¡¯s been some year hasn¡¯t it?¡± ¡°It¡¯s been the best year of my life.¡± she responded, peering up into my eyes. ¡°The best year of my life too.¡± I easily confessed. ¡°By far.¡± ¡°I feel so at peace.¡± She replied, smiling. ¡°When I¡¯m in your arms I feel like I¡¯m home.¡± ¡°It¡¯s because you are home.¡± I whispered, kissing her on top of her soft clean head. When a peaceful piano introduced the next song, David Gray¡¯s ¡°This Year¡¯s Love¡±, we didn¡¯t stop as it was another romantic song I always wanted to slow dance with her to. ¡°I love this song.¡± she broke. ¡°It reminds me of us.¡± ¡°I love this song too. I remember listening to it for the first time on my drive home in the rain after I met you and the girls at RJ¡¯s that night you gave me the CD. The sound of the soft piano and the rain falling outside against my windshield sounded so beautifully together; it almost brought me to tears actually just because it reminded me so much of the peace I feel when you¡¯re in my arms. It was the first time I fell in love with the rain.¡± We then began to kiss and touch more passionately as I smoothly used my index finger to take down a strap on her dress. She then looked at me and smiled as she slipped the remaining thin strap off. As her dress fell and her bare immaculate beauty stood before me, I removed the shirt I wore and brought her warm body into mine. She then pressed her breasts into my chest and brushed them lovingly against it. Overcome with desire, I brought my arms around her body to pick her up gently as she wrapped her legs gingerly around me. I cradled her in my arms as our lips embraced and I walked her inside into my quiet candle lit room. Aided by love¡¯s stranglehold more than the alcohol we consumed, we began to make love while the sushi I brought in remained untouched; forgotten. A year¡¯s worth of emotions culminated into the physical as we made sense of all the missing and all the longing we felt. Three hours later we held each other tightly, still unable to keep our hands off each other, to take full advantage of every millisecond we had together as if they were the last. I was ecstatic to know I had three more hours with her, but it hit me hard to think in three hours, I would miss her, probably now more than ever, as every step we took together in disobedience, in rebellion, brought us closer to both anguish and eternity. As she lay in my arms after we caught our breath, she started to talk about a subject I rarely discussed with anyone. ¡°What did you think about Obama claiming the democratic nomination?¡± she asked. ¡°He seems like a good man for the job.¡± I said. ¡°I like the fact he¡¯s Harvard educated, but he¡¯s pretty inexperienced. He really didn¡¯t have much competition from his party though because they are so damn old.¡± ¡°No kidding! Powell is more qualified but old as heck like McCain!¡± ¡°That¡¯s true. Obama had some stiff competition; he just didn¡¯t have to face any.¡± ¡°Ha! You¡¯re too much, babe. I think Obama is a good candidate for the Democrats though.¡± she stated. ¡°Can I ask you if you¡¯re a Republican or a Democrat?¡± ¡°I¡¯m pretty conservative these days so I would say I¡¯m Republican, a moderate one. My guess is you¡¯re probably Republican too. Am I right?¡± ¡°I am babe!¡± she said proudly. ¡°Do you follow politics?¡± This was a tough question for me to answer because I didn¡¯t want to disappoint her, but I simply despised politics. I found a lot of wrong in them as it was difficult for me to follow people who were power hungry and more interested in the glamour of hanging out with celebs than doing the work they were voted in to do. I know women loved men of power and were drawn to politics, but all I saw were men with charisma who had a gift of gab who skillfully spun lies to sound like the truth to get votes. I preferred to take interest in people and things of authentic value, as I found politics to encourage a sheep mentality. I didn¡¯t want to discourage her interest in them with my thoughts though; they were a necessary evil in our world, and Anya probably saw them in a different light than I did so before I responded to her question, and as much as I loathed politics, I carried an open mind and hoped to be swayed because of the great respect I had for her. ¡°I don¡¯t. I know they¡¯re important to pay attention to and I do follow them during election time. You can¡¯t really avoid them at times, but I don¡¯t get caught up in them.¡± ¡°I love following politics. I find them interesting.¡± she said. ¡°Politics are around us every day, not just in the grand political arena. We use them every day¡­in business, in friendships, relationships, family, everywhere. I think our successes and failures are influenced greatly by our understanding of politics. ¡± ¡°Wow, I never looked at them that way. You¡¯re so right, and in that sense, yes I can appreciate politics.¡± I said. ¡°Oh well, I guess we can¡¯t have everything in common. You don¡¯t follow basketball, I don¡¯t follow politics. They wash each other out don¡¯t you think?¡± ¡°I think so.¡± she said as she then leaned in to kiss me. A minute into our kiss, her pink Blackberry phone began to vibrate loudly upon my wooden nightstand. She then quickly grabbed it, glanced at the screen and began to shake her head. ¡°Is it him?¡± I asked as I noted the expression on her face. ¡°Yep. He never calls me. Ever.¡± she responded clearly annoyed. ¡°Please don¡¯t leave. Stay here while I talk to him.¡± ¡°Are you sure?¡± I said hesitantly. ¡°I can step outside. I promise I won¡¯t let it bother me, babe. I totally understand.¡± ¡°No, please. I want you here.¡± ¡°Okay.¡± I reluctantly agreed. ¡°Hey.¡± she said as she answered the phone. ¡°I¡¯m out to dinner¡­Yes, I know she¡¯s there but she doesn¡¯t get out until eleven¡­I¡¯ll be there to pick her up.¡± I could hear the tension in her voice as she spoke, and with every second she spent listening to him and with every further line of questioning from him, her responses became more terse. I was proud of her for it though; I was proud her true feelings came forth, a disgust for him I could not discount the reality of. I didn¡¯t want her to hate him, he was the father of her children, but I needed to see these negative emotions from her consistent with all the things she told me about him that encouraged me to be in her life. I began to believe this was probably the same type of dismissive conversation that occurred for the entire twenty two minutes I stood outside my bedroom door the last time she took his call at my apartment. As the interrogation continued, I heard the tone of her voice suddenly change as it seemed the voice from the other line abruptly changed as well. ¡°Hi honey¡­I¡¯ll be home at eleven thirty with Sissy¡­Sissy is at a party¡­ I¡¯m out to dinner right now with a friend. Tell your Dad I¡¯ll talk to him when I get home about tomorrow¡­ Okay honey. Love you.¡± When I heard her son¡¯s voice, I sat up on my bed and stared at the ceiling as I rubbed her back. I knew it was a tough moment for her after all we just shared and from where she was. I didn¡¯t want to assume any kind of ploy on the part of her husband, but it felt like one. After she briefly talked to her son she put her phone back on my nightstand, but as soon as she did it instantly began to vibrate once again. She quickly answered it, but this time it was her husband. She then told him the same thing she communicated the first time he called and when she was finished she laid on her back, face up to the ceiling and placed her phone on her belly. She then turned her head to me with worry in her eyes. I kissed her on her forehead but as I removed the phone from her stomach, I saw where she had been burned a few days earlier and leaned down to kiss her now healed wound. I took the Blackberry and laid it down on the nightstand once more as she came into my arms after I turned back to her. Afraid to speak on her behalf, I held her for about thirty seconds before she began to. ¡°Katie had a party tonight. She told me earlier in the week she didn¡¯t want ¡°mom¡± there so I dropped her off and arranged to spend the time with you until the party ends at eleven.¡± she said. ¡°I guess she called home for some reason and he found out I wasn¡¯t there.¡± ¡°I¡¯m sorry babe. I had no idea.¡± I said deeply touched and also saddened by her revelation. ¡°Did you need to go to the party? I¡¯m just happy I got to spend time with you. I¡¯d totally understand.¡± ¡°No. I¡¯ll just pick her up when the party¡¯s over.¡± she said. ¡°I¡¯m sorry, I¡¯m so upset right now. I didn¡¯t know he¡¯d put Andrew on the phone.¡± ¡°I¡¯m sorry, babe.¡± I said as a thought suddenly consumed me. ¡°Oh wait! I¡¯ll be right back.¡± ¡°What is it?¡± she wondered just before I quickly left my room. Ten seconds later, I returned with her dress in my hand. ¡°I¡¯m so sorry. Let me iron it for you.¡± I said as I put it on a hanger affixed on the top of my bedroom door and began to press over it with my hands. ¡°Oh babe, you don¡¯t need to do that. It¡¯ll be fine. Thank you.¡± she said. ¡°Are you sure? It would be no problem at all.¡± ¡°No, babe. Really. It¡¯s alright.¡± she reassured. ¡°I need to be more mindful of your clothing when you leave here. I apologize.¡± ¡°It¡¯s fine babe. Really. Please come back in bed. I need to be in your arms.¡± she said as I obliged and reluctantly left her dress behind. ¡°I¡¯m sorry. I wasn¡¯t expecting him to call. I hope that didn¡¯t upset you.¡± ¡°Upset me? Not at all babe. I understand.¡± I said as I kissed her. ¡°Do you want me to pick up the phone the next time he calls? I¡¯m just kidding.¡± ¡°I wish you could.¡± she smiled. As badly as I wanted to, I knew what the consequences would be if I did pick up the phone. Tonight, he proved what I always suspected, he would use the kids against her, manipulate them to pull at her heart strings in order to fully utilize the emotional blackmail card he held to his chest. I saw how he set himself up nicely as the victim to her kids because in his sick mind, Anya was not the victim of his multiple infidelities; he was. Without the sadness in her eyes and the disappointment in her voice as it softly cracked, I would have sided with her husband, easily sided with him because as a man I understood, but the absolute truth was he blamed her for their marital woes, and not the actions he took that created them; her empty feelings for him a threat to the family¡¯s stability. For the last six months, and truly for the first time in her life, Anya did something about her empty feelings, she paid attention to them. Her husband¡¯s phone call wasn¡¯t the act of a noble man who tried desperately to save their family; it was the act of a coward through the mask of a family, done with the hope the ¡°other man¡± knew nothing about his infidelities, just like all their friends, the outsiders, who didn¡¯t know the truth about him, a truth only I knew. It was a chess move made by a man who loved himself more than his family because it came at the expense of his wife¡¯s happiness as he thought she should remain miserable, like him, for remorseless transgressions not of her own doing, and to just ¡°suck it up¡± for the sake of the kids, all at the cost of her very life, her very soul, and for the salvation of a lie. After an emotional exchange with her son, she worried about what I thought, but the beauty in that thought process broke my heart as I felt I should have been the last thing on her mind. The other thing that hurt me about it, as I was certain it hurt her too, was that his call put her in the painful position to be dishonest with her son, and I believed the phone conversation she just had with Andrew was more of a reason than any to end her marriage. His deception had now carried over to her, and for any husband to put his wife in the position to lie to their children, especially one who announced he would trade her in for two twenty year olds when she turned forty, no longer deserved the title of husband. His arrogance and her suffering was on full display before me on this evening as it was now impossible for me to ignore regardless of the smile she wore. ¡°You know what¡¯s crazy, babe?¡± she pondered aloud. ¡°What¡¯s crazy, Beautiful?¡± I asked, praying she didn¡¯t say our love was. ¡°Before I met you, I never wanted to get remarried.¡± she told me, her eyes never wavering from mine. ¡°If I don¡¯t leave him, I¡¯ll never be happy.¡± ¡°That¡¯s why I fight for you.¡± I stated, nodding. ¡°What¡¯s wrong with being happy? Happiness isn¡¯t a crime; it¡¯s essential as oxygen. Everyone deserves to be happy in life, and I feel you deserve to be happy simply because of the false pretenses your marriage to him rests upon. I love you and I care about your happiness. I think it will make you a better person.¡± Her husband cheated on her when she was pregnant with her son which resulted in his premature birth because of the stress she felt over it, and what did her husband do to atone for this ¡°mistake¡±? After his son almost died from it? He cheated on her again years later and then again even after that. I could not understand for the life of me if there was a God, why He rewarded people like her husband by giving him what I considered to be the most beautiful woman on the planet, and instead punished my heart for years before I met her. ¡°He knows not to upset me right now.¡± she said. ¡°He knows not to rock the boat.¡± Nodding with a smile, I then leaned in to taste her. ¡°Well, I¡¯d be lying if I said I hope he doesn¡¯t fall overboard.¡± I said. ¡°It just seems to me he could care less about your happiness because it comes at the sacrifice of his own. He¡¯s not taking any responsibility for the way he¡¯s made you feel, and in my book that¡¯s not even a friend let alone a husband.¡± ¡°I really worry about you.¡± she told me. ¡°Why?¡± ¡°Because I know what the missing feels like.¡± ¡°I admit it can be hard on me.¡± I reluctantly replied. ¡°But I think it¡¯s mainly because I have less going on in my life outside of work than you do. I just have to find some things to keep me busy to help keep my mind off of thinking about you all the time. I think if I can do that, I can manage the missing better.¡± ¡°Even though I have things to keep my mind off of you, I¡¯m always thinking of you. All good thoughts.¡± she said. ¡°I just worry about the burden on you. If we had met five years ago I would have left him by now.¡± ¡°Whether five years ago or five days ago, that shouldn¡¯t matter, Sweetheart.¡± I reasoned. ¡°And please don¡¯t worry about the burden on me. I¡¯m a big boy. Whatever happens I¡¯ll be a big boy. We¡¯re in this together but this is all on me.¡± Looking up into my eyes for affirmation, Anya¡¯s dark soft eyes fell purposely and intentionally before meeting my waiting gaze. ¡°Okay.¡± she said. ¡°Okay.¡± I replied, nodding with both sincerity and hope. CHAPTER 26 ~ THREE THINGS IN LIFE ¡°I believe that imagination is stronger than knowledge. That myth is more potent than history. That dreams are more powerful than facts. That hope always triumphs over experience. That laughter is the only cure for grief. And I believe that love is stronger than death.¡± ~ Robert Fulghum 10:35 p.m. ¡°Home now! Thank u! You looked great as usual! I had a great time too! Thanks for dinner even though we never touched it! Goodnight! I love you forever!¡± Despite the calls from her husband and the conversation with her son, we had a nice time together. A night I¡¯d never forget, and one we desperately needed because little did I know what lied on the horizon for us would put our relationship to the ultimate test. Ironically, our closeness and deepened love bred pain because of the time apart and the closer we became the harder the separation became as well. As the summer approached, and with the kids now out of school, I expected the opportunities to see her to decrease, but like a sudden death in the family, emotionally it was impossible to prepare for. The fight though was in full swing as my mind sparred with my disadvantaged heart as the mercy of the universe was now in total control of our destiny. 2:47 p.m. ¡°I miss you.¡± Even though the unforeseen powers that be kept us in sync, this surprise text from her captured our sadness. It felt better to know however I wasn¡¯t the only one who struggled as her texts helped to keep me on track; to keep my eyes on the big picture, and even though faith eluded me for most of my life, I never felt her love did as I held tightly to the belief this sorrow brought on by a deep need for my soulmate wouldn¡¯t always feel this way. The following day brought with it her son¡¯s graduation ceremony from Elementary School. I knew she would be busy, and I didn¡¯t want to distract her, but I also wanted to show her I cared and was aware of a very important day in her and her son¡¯s life. I sent her a closed ended text just to congratulate her and her son so she wouldn¡¯t feel an obligation to text me back, but she responded anyway. 2:51 p.m. ¡°Hi. Thanks. I miss u lots.¡± ME: ¡°You didn¡¯t have to text me back, babe. I know you¡¯re busy. I miss u lots too.¡± ANYA: ¡°It¡¯s hard to carry on a normal day when all I think about was our beautiful night together.¡± ME: ¡°I know the feeling. It was a special night for both of us. The depth of this missing is totally foreign to me. It¡¯s beyond genuine.¡± ANYA: ¡°I¡¯ve never missed anyone as much as I miss you.¡± The feeling was absolutely mutual, but her missing presented a caveat; not only did it distract her from her kids, but I began to sense it came with fear. The fear of the summer. The fear of losing me. The fear of losing us. The fear I was just like her husband. Until my intuition morphed into facts, I took her words at face value, but as she sent me a series of texts a few hours later it only furthered my speculation. 6:32 p.m. ¡°Hi! I¡¯m sure you¡¯re on the road. Sunday night just felt so right. You¡¯re so easy to talk to. My BFF! My love for you has grown since¡­¡± 6:44 p.m. ¡°I have to be honest. Today was a hard day for me. I hope you don¡¯t think I regret having kids. I love them more than anything. Just a hard day.¡± My low self-esteem at times was like a rabid dog, the minute it sensed any discomfort or fear, it would bark and bite at me. After the beauty of Sunday, and the need for me to be positive, I still got confused by her ¡°hard day¡± as I didn¡¯t know what to say or what she meant by it. Did she relive the pain her husband put her through today with his infidelities and it made her angry for her son? Also why did she think I believed she regretted having her kids? Her texts left me dazed and concerned. ME: ¡°What made it such a hard day for you babe? What would make you think I¡¯d ever think you regret having your kids? Are you upset about having kids?¡± ANYA: ¡°Angry?¡± ME: ¡°Yes, did you feel resentment for your husband? Is that what made it hard on you today?¡± ANYA: ¡°No, it wasn¡¯t like that. I think I¡¯m going to get in bed early tonite to read. Goodnight sweets. I love you!¡± ME: ¡°Ok, my love. Sweet dreams. I love you too!¡± I didn¡¯t want to prod her for any information about her day if she wasn¡¯t willing to give it on her own as I wanted to respect her boundaries. Even though I didn¡¯t know what to make of her ¡°hard¡± day I also reasoned it wasn¡¯t necessarily a bad thing. In fact, it could have been a number of other things such as the sudden realization of her increased lack of freedom and space she would have in the summer to see me, the stress of all the graduation ceremonies and summer activities she had planned, more messes to clean up because the kids were out of school and less time to get work done due to the relentless demands of her business. The more I thought about it, the more it became clear she hoped I understood her dilemma, unlike her husband who didn¡¯t understand when she gained weight from her pregnancy. She needed to know I loved her and I wasn¡¯t going anywhere; that I would be there for her when she couldn¡¯t be there for me. It left me only to ponder why she would think, I would think, she regretted having her kids. The last thing I ever thought she might do was look at her children, think of me and regret having them. Although I wish they were ours, it broke my heart to imagine her regret as a possibility because they were simply her greatest gifts in life, and I accepted them just as much as I accepted her. I dreamt about getting to know her kids. From all she shared, I really thought the world of them both and admired the way they handled their commitments to school and to their activities of choice. I even saw a lot of myself in her son, and if I had a son, I was certain he would be a lot like Andrew, and if Katie was anything like her mother, as I was certain she was, if I ever got the opportunity and honor to meet her one day, I knew we would be close as well. The last thing I ever wanted was for Anya to regret having her kids, and if I thought for a second she would do so because of me, I would have never given us a chance. They were her greatest blessing and I was happy they were part of the deal if we ever were together. The next morning, just before I stepped into the office, I noticed the red light on my phone blinking frantically. As I began to read her message, I quickly realized what she wrote me on this morning was far from ordinary as she opened up about her hard day. 9:06 a.m. ¡°Good morning! I watched my son graduate from primary school yesterday. Had tears. Tears b/c I was extremely proud and tears b/c I felt extreme guilt. I was proud of all his accomplishments and proud of who he is now. As you know, he was a premature baby and has come a long ways. Watching him now you¡¯d never know it. He walked by me w/a big smile and looked over at me w/trust and admiration. He was very proud, eager to do anything to please me. He looked at me so tenderly w/o knowing that the mom he trusts is living a life of desperation. The mom he trusts is wanting to walk. Made me sad.¡± After I read her message several times, the empathy within me gave way to her pain. I understood it, and I was happy she felt what she did because it was heartfelt and honest. The only part of her message I had trouble with was about her ¡°wanting to walk.¡± as it felt like she would have to abandon her son just to be with me, and I didn¡¯t understand why she felt that way. As I told her before, it would be her ¡°and¡± the kids; the only thing she would walk away from was a false marriage. I just didn¡¯t understand her thought process and it rattled me a bit. She would not be walking away from her kids, but she would be indeed walking away; from him, toward the truth. I believed the extreme guilt she felt should simply lie in not being honest with her kids about her true feelings regardless of me being in her life. She didn¡¯t have to distill the vodka about her husband¡¯s infidelities to them as it wasn¡¯t my goal to ¡°out¡± him in any way, but I wanted her to be honest with her kids about the way she felt about her marriage, and not about the way she felt about me; to show them in this life there are things money cannot buy such as happiness; that the greatest things in this life simply cannot be bought. She was not abandoning. She was not walking away. She was living; choosing a different honest path on life¡¯s journey. To teach her children in life, if you make a mistake, you are not bound to it forever, that you can correct it. When she told me she would rather die than never have me in her life, by leaving him, she would simply be choosing to live, not choosing to walk away. I sat on her text for a few minutes to think of how to respond in support of her feelings, and to not sound discouraged by them, but before I could respond another one flew my way. 9:15 a.m. ¡°There is another part of my guilt. The joy as well as pain I feel w/my kids you¡¯ll never experience if u stay with me. I¡¯m sorry to tell you all this over text.¡± Possibly, I was wrong for feeling the way I did, but again I became perplexed by her text. Why did she feel this guilt now after all we¡¯ve shared? She was around her children every day, but why did she suddenly feel this way on her son¡¯s graduation day? The decision not to have kids was mine alone, and if I wasn¡¯t willing to make that decision then I wouldn¡¯t have gotten involved especially taken into consideration the circumstances and the unforeseen, undisclosed challenges. After I read this text in particular, I felt there had to be a bigger piece missing about her life she had yet to share with me. I wanted to ask her but it would sound like an accusation, and discount all she felt. Her son graduated yesterday, and it was a truly tough moment for her. I had to be sensitive to that, and then again, who knows? Maybe I was wrong to feel perplexed at all by her texts? As much as I loved her, I also had to realize, I was not an easy man to love at times. 9:16 a.m. ¡°I know u say that it¡¯s all ¡°on you¡± but I can¡¯t help it. I care about u so much! I¡¯m so in love w/u that I just want the very best for you.¡± ME: ¡°Thank you for sharing. I didn¡¯t know you felt all that yesterday. I think you should know I believe with every ounce of my heart you are the very best for me, and I don¡¯t have any reservations about not having kids I feel lucky to have you. I chose to be with you and forgo kids because I love you so much having kids no longer matter to me. I¡¯d rather have you.¡± ANYA: ¡°Ok babe. Sometimes I feel so dysfunctional! I just had a hard time w/dealing w/it all yesterday. I¡¯m sorry. Although I think the whole thing is dysfunctional. I can¡¯t ignore what my heart is telling me. I¡¯m torn.¡± I tried to put myself in her shoes, and I truly understood the things she felt as she watched her son graduate. The guilt she felt about me though, I didn¡¯t understand. The decision not to have kids was an adult decision I made and I knew from the beginning it was her rule of engagement. Why would I be involved for a day let alone six months if I wasn¡¯t certain of what I wanted? It was very thoughtful of her though, but I felt it also discounted the depth of my feelings for her. What I experienced with her I considered extremely special, and I knew it would be from the moment I met her because of my past. Throughout the work day I had a hard time concentrating because of the things she text me. I probably shouldn¡¯t have been, but I was rattled by her sudden guilt. For her son¡¯s graduation to spawn it, something just didn¡¯t sound right to me. 2:01 p.m. ¡°Hi! How r u?¡± ME: ¡°I¡¯m ok. How r u?¡± ANYA: ¡°Just ok?¡± ME: ¡°I found out I have to head out to Hesperia again.¡± ANYA: ¡°Oh, Despairia. I see. I¡¯m ok.¡± I didn¡¯t know how to respond. I didn¡¯t want to text anything out of fatigue, but negative thoughts consumed me the longer my work day went. I appreciated her texts, but I just felt my feelings for her were discounted, and it troubled me. If having children was meant to happen for me I felt it would have happened years ago. After thirty minutes of silence, Anya sent me a text to break the still as it opened a window for me to share my thoughts. 2:01 p.m. ¡°I love you.¡± ME: ¡°I love you too. If I was meant to have kids babe, it would have happened by now. It would have happened before I met you. It¡¯s not in the cards for me so please don¡¯t feel any guilt.¡± ANYA: ¡°Why? I think it is in the cards 4 you. You¡¯d be the perfect dad. I just know it. You also said you¡¯d like to be married right now but as long as you¡¯re with me you can¡¯t have that right now. I¡¯m holding you up with no definite promises.¡± ME: ¡°You¡¯re the woman I love. It¡¯s that simple. I would only want kids with you. If they weren¡¯t with you then they¡¯re worthless to me. I don¡¯t mind not being married right now because I met you, and I don¡¯t want to meet anyone else. I¡¯m in love with you. You¡¯re the only person I want to marry. If I can¡¯t marry you now then I don¡¯t want to be married. Even though I don¡¯t have any definite promises, now is not the time anyway even if you could. I want you to come into a great situation. What makes you think I¡¯d be the perfect dad?¡± ANYA: ¡°Please don¡¯t say that. They wouldn¡¯t be worthless. I see u as a dad b/c ur so sweet, kind, genuine and patient. Don¡¯t want to change ur destiny. I love you.¡± ME: ¡°Thank you for the kind words, babe, I really appreciate them, but I feel my destiny changed six months ago.¡± I wanted to see the thoughtfulness in her texts because I knew they generally came from a good place, but the problem was, I needed to hear these words six months ago because my low sense of self-worth found it difficult to appreciate the good intent in them. I felt if she didn¡¯t want to change my destiny, she should have never allowed me to feel a thing for her. Instead, she gave me so much of herself it made me feel safe enough to give all of myself in return; something you just don¡¯t discard. At the same time though, I had to kick my past failures with women aside and look at things from her angle as well. If she was truly in love with me, then this was just finger service. The fact was she had a hard time yesterday, and I had to respect that. I had to also take notice summer was going to be tough on her. She felt kids created distance in her marriage, and now she feared the summer would do the same to us. If I was going to be cognizant about my past, I also had to put hers in a proper perspective as well. 6:01 p.m. ¡°I hope I didn¡¯t ruin your day. I know ur busy and I¡¯m sorry if I did.¡± ME: ¡°You didn¡¯t ruin my day, babe.¡± ANYA: ¡°Are u watching the Lakers game tonight?¡± ME: ¡°I am. Were you going to watch it too?¡± ANYA: ¡°Yes, baby. I miss u.¡± ME: ¡°I miss u too.¡± ANYA: ¡°I¡¯m sorry.¡± ME: ¡°For what Sweetheart?¡± ANYA: ¡°Sorry about today.¡± At this point, I¡¯ve read hundreds if not thousands of texts from her over the last six months. This series of texts here alone, encapsulated the woman I fell in love with, her connection with me, and why I fell so hard. I didn¡¯t tell her I was hurt by her texts, never insinuated it one time yet she knew, and even though I still felt her texts discounted my feelings for her, at the same time I understood when her true self made a much needed appearance; when empathy opened her heart and eyes, a part her mind closed from time to time. I had to be honest with her about how I felt she pretty much put me in the same class as her husband though, and she needed to know, if she didn¡¯t know already, I knew how to love someone more than I loved myself; that I and this, was the real deal. ME: ¡°Babe, it¡¯s ok. I¡¯m sorry I couldn¡¯t really respond. I didn¡¯t want the stress of work to come through my texts to you. I didn¡¯t want to regret anything I text you. I just feel when you tell me something like I should have a kid, that also entails me meeting someone else. I feel that discounts all the feelings I have for you, all I¡¯ve shared with you, and how special our relationship is. I¡¯m simply never going to be the same again. I think it¡¯s very sweet of you, but at the same time it¡¯s overlooking my love for you. I¡¯m in love with you and I don¡¯t want to be nor do I want to fall in love with anyone else. I don¡¯t fall in love easily anymore, not after all I¡¯ve experienced with you. I know what love is now. The bar has been raised, and it was already high to begin with. I hope you can understand.¡± ANYA: ¡°I completely understand.¡± ME: ¡°I¡¯m not mad at you at all. Please don¡¯t think that. I know why you did it. I love you too much not to understand your reasons. I know it¡¯s not a question about your love for me but a love for your kids, and fears. I know where you¡¯re coming from, and that¡¯s something you never have to be sorry for.¡± ANYA: ¡°I can¡¯t talk rt now but I don¡¯t like that u think I¡¯m discounting ur feelings. If I didn¡¯t love u with all my heart I wouldn¡¯t be feeling this anguish! I love you.¡± ME: ¡°Babe, I want your love to bring you to me, not to push me to someone else. I love you too.¡± ANYA: ¡°Don¡¯t worry. I love u more than life. I miss u. I need u like I need air. You¡¯re definitely on the Maslow¡¯s hierarchy of need!¡± ¡°I love you more than life. I need u like I need air.¡± Those two short precise sentences stood for all I fought and would continue to fight for. Like a Formula Race car, this was the fuel I needed to finish the race and it drove me to believe more than ever in our love; in her need for me, and in my need for her. ME: ¡°Thank you babe. That means everything to me because I feel the exact same way.¡± A few hours later she resumed our textchange. 9:22 p.m. ¡°Sorry about the Lakers. Jeffrey Osbourne can only do so much right? I love u baby. I don¡¯t know where to go from here, but I need to calm down. Graduation was hard.¡± ME: ¡°It¡¯s one of the reasons I fell in love with you. You love your kids, and I understand. I really do. Everything will be okay. As long as there¡¯s love between us, we¡¯ll get through this.¡± ANYA: ¡°Now I know there r four things in life I¡¯m sure of. Death, taxes, teen lies, and my love for u. Goodnight. I love you forever!¡± ME: ¡°I¡¯m not sure about teen lies, but I¡¯ll take your word for it! Sleep well, my love. I love you forever too!¡± I hated to tell her how I felt because I didn¡¯t want to pull her away from her kids to discuss my feelings, and from a person without the emotions, it was a sweet gesture, but the problem was I loved her, and when I made a decision, I stuck to it. That¡¯s called a commitment and when I decided to get involved with her I weighed everything including the consequences of doing so. I took pride in everything in life I ever did, and if I couldn¡¯t vouch for it, I simply wouldn¡¯t do it. After our textcussion, I felt a little better about things, but it marked the first time my radar went up about her love for me. I didn¡¯t doubt she loved me, but I felt her guilt tended to lean toward semantics as I began to take note of a difference in the perception of love after our conversation on this day, and the minute schism between being ¡°in love¡± and ¡°loving¡± someone. In the fantasy world of fiction, there really was no distinction as I was certain there was no distinction made by Shakespeare, but there was a distinction made by Lastman, and it was stark. I believed if someone was in love they would never want their interest to meet anyone else, but if a person merely ¡°loved¡± someone, like a friend or a relative, then it¡¯s an easy thing to allow. It wasn¡¯t as if I was an expert on love, I¡¯ve failed so much I could never claim to be, but after I met Anya, I was certain I had met and known love. I likened it to seeing the face of God because once you do, you could never go back to the world you knew. I began to doubt if Anya knew what being ¡°in love¡± was, and I began to fear I was only loved because I was her only option in a limited population. As much as I recognized this as a possibility, even as my mind tried to rip my world apart, my heart could not be slowed down or deterred. I loved her deeply no matter how much she believed she loved me, but her texts put my guard up though, uncertain if she was ¡°in love¡± or if she just merely ¡°loved¡± me. In my profession, integrity and character were paramount as my career rested upon principles and acts of conservatism. I put my reputation, my integrity, my morality in the eyes of society, and my heart on the line for her every day. Because of this, I felt she owed me ways to bring us together not further apart after all she told me, after all we¡¯ve shared, after all I¡¯ve been asked to do and after I had done everything asked of me. I knew the promises she made to me at the beginning of our relationship would come when the time was right as I trusted she realized the encouragement she gave me to be in her life more than her helplessness that came along with it because of our undeniable connection. More than anything, her texts also raised my belief there was something I didn¡¯t know. Something she didn¡¯t tell me about her life because I didn¡¯t understand why she felt if she left him she would have to walk away from her kids. One thing was certain; I had to find out what the missing piece was and somehow come up with the temerity to lay my heart on the line to do so. The next day, I received a fairly early text from her as it appeared to reveal a sense of urgency. 7:33 a.m. ¡°I love you. When can I c u again? I miss u terribly.¡± ME: ¡°I miss u terribly too. Anytime you want, Sweetheart. You let me know. I would love to see you. I got out of bed a little late this morning. I needed it.¡± ANYA: ¡°I don¡¯t blame u. I miss u so much. I¡¯m sorry for freaking out.¡± ME: ¡°Beautiful, you couldn¡¯t have expected all you felt when you saw your son graduate. I was just a little confused but I totally understood too. I never question the things you feel because they are all legit. I just try to present them from a different angle if I feel they should be. I¡¯m sorry I gave you some grief over them but I just wanted to be honest about how I felt. Do you have to run around the kids today?¡± ANYA: ¡°No. The kids had a sleepover and r still asleep. U know what that means don¡¯t u? They all stayed up way too late and had sugar all nite!¡± Anya¡¯s texts made me feel safe again as my heart began to bleed for her. My low self-esteem at times blinded me to her struggle, but after her series of texts I felt she was ¡°in love¡± with me, and I began to feel ashamed about my thoughts of her playing semantics. Later that evening it was more of the same. 3:46 p.m. ¡°I love you.¡± ME: ¡°I love you too. What r u up to Beautiful?¡± ANYA: ¡°Getting ready for the Special Olympics. I miss u. How is your day going?¡± ME: ¡°I miss u too. Stressful day but almost over. What do you need to do to prepare for the Special Olympics?¡± ANYA: ¡°Have a glass of wine! JK! Not much. I just have to show up to pick up my shirt and ID. They¡¯ll have instructions for me, and cake! I miss u very much. What r u doing tonight?¡± ME: ¡°Ha! You have me laughing out loud at my library of a work place over here! I miss u very much too. I admire you so much. You¡¯re such a beautiful person, but I don¡¯t need to tell you that. I¡¯m just going to stay in and relax tonight.¡± ANYA: ¡°I wish I could be there relaxing with you.¡± ME: ¡°Me too. I¡¯d sleep better with you in my arms that¡¯s for sure.¡± ANYA: ¡°U just made me miss u more! Don¡¯t know when I can c u again. I might be able to get away 4 an hour next sat afternoon. Don¡¯t know how I¡¯m going to make it.¡± With her series of texts, I began to feel safe she was in love with me as her feelings were exactly on par with mine again. I guess I was wrong about things, but that¡¯s what a low sense of self-worth brought on by my past did to me; it made the improbable appear probable. With Anya, I was more than happy to be wrong about my negative feelings; it¡¯s all I ever hoped for the very minute I felt them. I even began to chuckle about the way I protected my heart, like handing a dead man a gun and being afraid I could be shot by him. As much as she thought she had to calm down, I had to do the same. What I began to realize is that she feared I could turn out like her husband; leave her when the going got tough and the distance between us increased. I simply had to remind myself of this and ensure her I was nothing like him. The next day, a Saturday, after she had a really good time working at the Special Olympics, she text me early that morning to tell me about what her day had in store for her. 6:47 a.m. ¡°Not sure if I¡¯m ready for 30 spitting, burping, farting, smelly, junk food eating, loud boys for 5 hours! Andrew owes me big time for this one! I love you!¡± After her ringing endorsement for parenthood, I responded to her text in jest. ME: ¡°You know what. You¡¯re right. I think I want to meet someone now I can have kids with. JK! What time are the kids coming over to destroy your house?¡± ANYA: ¡°Ur funny! Starts at 11 a.m. Making food and straightening up. Had another sleepover and the house is a mess. Ahhh! Have a great day sweets! Text me later! Luv u!¡± If you find this story on Amazon, be aware that it has been stolen. Please report the infringement. After she sent me this final text, it bummed me out to know I couldn¡¯t help her out with the party and to help keep the boys entertained. It seemed like she made summers really fun for her kids though as it brought me back to the time when each summer, my mom, who really didn¡¯t have any money, bought me a whole box of unopened baseball cards. I remember the smell of gum delight my sense of smell when I opened the box to see thirty-six unopened packages, one of the happiest moments of my life. The only caveat was my mother got all the gum, but I had braces anyway so I didn¡¯t care. I knew through Anya her kids worked hard in school, in everything they did, and they deserved all the fun the summer could offer them. Just when I thought I heard the last from her that day, she sent me a text an hour later. 8:23 a.m. ¡°I¡¯m listening to music rt now. I have some 80¡¯s music Debbie burned 4 me. I have 2 all-time faves and I don¡¯t know why I think of u every time I listen to them because u were nowhere in my life way back then!¡± ME: ¡°I love 80¡¯s music! I grew up on it so it¡¯s my favorite. Did you not care for the 80¡¯s much? What are your two all-time faves?¡± ANYA: ¡°R u kidding? Good times in the 80¡¯s babe! I was surprised b/c ur younger! ¡°Love My Way¡± by Psychedelic Furs, ¡°I Melt With You¡± by Modern English. ME: ¡°Those are two great songs. See, I knew I¡¯ve heard a Psychedelic Furs song before. I¡¯ll have to show you my 80¡¯s albums I still have. I¡¯m sure you¡¯d get a kick out of it.¡± ANYA: ¡°I would love to check out your collection! Ok I¡¯m ready for the boys! Chat later!¡± Then just eight minutes later¡­ 8:41 a.m. ¡°If I can get away for an hour tonite can u meet me? It would only be for an hour. Closer to my way.¡± ME: ¡°All you have to do is name the time and place and I¡¯ll be there!¡± ANYA: ¡°Can u meet me at RJ¡¯s on Beach at 8? I¡¯ll probably be a mess and stink like BBQ! Will u still c me this way?¡± ME: ¡°BBQ? Mmmm¡­hopefully I won¡¯t eat you! C u at 8!¡± ANYA: ¡°Ha! Ok! Love you!¡± ME: ¡°Love you too!¡± The real Anya. The one I met, the one I believed was ¡°in love¡± with me, the one I trusted who knew what love really was, showed her true colors, and they were important for me to see. Her actions helped me take notice of the fear she felt, the fear of losing me, the fear of losing us over the summer because of her kids, just like she lost her husband to kids when she got pregnant. I had to understand, if I truly loved her, which I did more than oxygen, she would not be as available for the next few months. I had to make her feel safe in that. When she asked me to fight for her and I told her I would, my word was solid. All I needed was for her to make an effort, even if we couldn¡¯t see each other, at least to show me an effort not to push me away. I was in deep waters, too deep to reach the surface now for air. I had to be all in or nothing at all, but I also had to understand her predicament and I did. Most importantly though, I had to believe this was temporary even without a promise from her; a promise that would come when we were both ready, when my partnership promotion became official. I wanted her to come into a relationship with little to no drop off as possible from her current life, and even though I felt money should not play a major role in her decision, there were two innocent kids involved, and I had to make sure they weren¡¯t affected because money was needed for their happiness. I wanted them to have the same things they were accustomed to, even horses. They just needed to know love brought their mother and I together; nothing less than a complete commitment and a responsibility on my part for her happiness, something I took so seriously, I even factored them into it. Even I would admit though, if I had to do this over again, knowing what I know now, mostly the undisclosed more than the unforeseen, the right thing would be for her to get a divorce first before we began to see each other, but I also felt it wasn¡¯t a bad thing for Anya to get to know me. To know who she would be with and what she was getting herself into. To at least know there were better options for her out there than her husband. I didn¡¯t come into this to have a lustful relationship with her regardless of how much I desired her sexually. I respected her too much, she was the best friend I had, and that¡¯s not who I was. Our relationship under these circumstances only happened because love did. I arrived at RJ¡¯s a little before eight, and I luckily found two open seats at the bar as the restaurant was packed. I then began to worry she may have known someone and wondered if she wanted to just hang in my car instead like we did when we met at the Good Morning Caf¨¦. Even though I had to see something from her after our textversations this week, the last thing I wanted was for her to be in a public place, and be judged or found out. When she arrived at a little after eight, I quickly took notice that for a woman who feared she would look like a mess she looked as beautiful as I had ever seen her. Her dark hair hung lavishly upon her breast plate as the white blouse she wore exposed her sun kissed shoulders, and when I saw the smile on her face after she saw me at the bar as I stood, it sent the butterflies fluttering inside. Every other woman in the restaurant paled in comparison as she made it clearly apparent to me on this night, the universe could not have created anything more perfect in my eyes, and it staggered me every time to see how much she cared about the way she looked around me, as it showed me how much she wanted me to love her because if that wasn¡¯t true, she would never had made plans to meet at such a simple venue looking simply beautiful at the spur of the moment. She sat down on the bar stool next to me and could not contain her excitement as her jubilant restless eyes gazed into mine. I asked her what she wanted to drink, and after we each ordered a Corona, she leaned into my right ear. ¡°I want to kiss you so bad right now.¡± she told me. ¡°The feeling is more than mutual.¡± I replied, rubbing her knee. ¡°Do you know how absolutely gorgeous you look right now? Any idea?¡± ¡°Ha. Aww babe.¡± she said as she shyly turned her face away for a few seconds and then brought her eyes back into mine. ¡°I¡¯m really sorry about the other day. I just freaked out. I love you and I miss you so so much. Sometimes I just¡­I don¡¯t know. I hurt.¡± ¡°First of all, you don¡¯t owe me an apology. I¡¯m sorry I looked at it a different way.¡± I said. ¡°I¡¯m totally in love with you, and I¡¯m afraid to lose you as much as you¡¯re afraid to lose me. I did want kids, but that was before I met you. I¡¯d rather have you than anything in this world. My love is so strong I don¡¯t want anyone else. Ever. You¡¯re all I¡¯ll ever want. I miss you very much too but I understand the summer is going to pose some challenges for you. I love you way too much, Anya for a few months out of the year to keep us apart. I can¡¯t even explain it but I¡¯m naturally loyal to you because I¡¯m true to my heart. If I didn¡¯t love you so much and I thought you were doing me a favor I would have said when you sent me your texts ¡°Hey thanks a lot! See ya! Good luck on the other side!¡± I would never disrespect your heart, disrespect all we¡¯ve shared. Our love has grown exponentially. I need you the way you need me. Like air. It¡¯s important for you to know I¡¯m not anything like your husband or guys you may have known before you met me, but I also know it¡¯s more important for me to show you that, not merely tell you. I truly love you. You¡¯re the greatest thing that¡¯s ever happened to me. I don¡¯t want to ever lose you.¡± ¡°Now I really want to lean over and kiss you right now!¡± she exclaimed, excitement filling her eyes. ¡°I¡¯m not going to stop you. I¡¯m kidding babe.¡± I joked as I knew in public it would be a bad idea. ¡°I hope you know I want to be with you.¡± ¡°I want to be with you too.¡± she responded. ¡°I wish I was coming home with you tonight. I miss you really bad.¡± ¡°I miss you really bad too. I wish we could go home after this and be together. The way we were meant to be.¡± I said. ¡°One day I believe life will be made right.¡± ¡°I love the fact you¡¯re so cool calm and collected. You make me feel comfortable and it keeps me going.¡± ¡°Thanks, babe. I¡¯m glad you think so. You¡¯re everything I¡¯ve wanted in someone so I try to think about the big picture, the future, and not just get caught up in the present.¡± ¡°You¡¯re my hope, my wish, my dream.¡± she said. ¡°Now those three things; your hopes, wishes and dreams.¡± I said as I met her russet eyes and touched her hand obscurely under the bar. ¡°Are the three things in life no one should ever give up on.¡± After these heartfelt thoughts were known, our conversation took a less serious tone soon after and when we finished our Coronas, we ventured outside to find a private spot so our lips could meet, to taste what we¡¯ve missed so terribly before we departed. Her spur of the moment meeting at RJ¡¯s meant a lot to me. It showed me she truly did miss me and how much I meant to her, and I loved it when she proved me wrong about my negative feelings. There was no better feeling in the world than when she did, as in the past I had always been right about the things I didn¡¯t want to be right about. When I got home she text me before I could do the same. 9:37 p.m. ¡°Thank you for meeting me! I was so excited! It was nice to c u! It was the only thing that kept me going all day! I had the best time even though it was only for an hour! I love you!¡± My feelings exactly. The next day was my father¡¯s birthday, and when I woke up that morning, I had never felt so secure in her love for me. It¡¯s not like I wanted her to feel an ounce of pain in my absence. The only reason I gave us a chance was because I didn¡¯t want her to hurt anymore. I wanted her to be happy in life so it could be reflected upon others, mostly her children, as I felt it was crucial. I also believed a man who cheated on his wife when she was pregnant, a man who told his wife he would trade her in for two twenty year olds when she turned forty, was a man who would not be there for her if she became ill, or heaven forbid lost a part of her beauty due to cancer. Money is wonderful to have, we all desire it, to be taken care of financially, but emotionally it¡¯s not enough. I felt that was important for her kids to know this in life, so they had healthy marriages that fostered not only financial but also emotional support. The next morning, I sent Anya a text to let her know how much she meant to me. ME: ¡°Good morning babe. Thanks again for making time for us last night. The length of time didn¡¯t matter to me. It could have been only a minute long and I¡¯d be grateful. There¡¯s not enough room in my heart for all the feelings I have for you. I know you weren¡¯t in my arms when I woke up this morning, but you were still with me. I miss u. I love u.¡± ANYA: ¡°Good morning! Awe! What a beautiful thing to say! Ur sooo romantic! Woke up early missing u! I held my pillow tightly against my body! I love u babe!¡± With my day off to a great start, I visited my parents that same morning to wish my dad a happy birthday. At this point in my life, I had never felt a larger sense of contentment. My parents used to believe I was anti-social, and in a lot of ways I was, but with Anya¡¯s love in my heart, I bloomed as the real Landyn Lastman poured out of me with ease. I was talkative, compassionate and outgoing, a side my parents never saw of me before, but the real me, unburdened by my past failures with love. If I were to lose Anya, I wouldn¡¯t just lose her but now I¡¯d lose my real self too as I not only fell in love with her; I fell in love with me. 2:24 p.m. ¡°Hi baby! I miss you! How¡¯s your day going?¡± ME: ¡°Day is going well. Just getting ready to head back home now. How¡¯s ur day going? I miss you too!¡± ANYA: ¡°I¡¯m home working but going good. I miss you. You looked so cute last night! I like you in black! I had such a great time! I couldn¡¯t wait to get outside to kiss u! I love you!¡± ME: ¡°I love you too! Do you have more work to do tonight?¡± ANYA: ¡°Not at all. Tonight I¡¯m taking the kids to see ¡°My Fair Lady¡± play at the Orange County Performing Arts Center. I¡¯ll be alone with the kids so I¡¯ll text you later! Xoxo!¡± I¡¯ve never heard of the play ¡°My Fair Lady¡± so I ¡°googled¡± its synopsis and it appeared to be a love story of some kind. Sara, my ex-girlfriend, used to love musicals. I knew very little of them until I started dating her, but a good boyfriend would have shown a real interest in them if she did, but I couldn¡¯t be more disinterested at the time. With Anya, I began to dream about seeing a musical together, and that was another thing I never thought I¡¯d do nor be inspired to go see. When the play finished, at least what I presumed, I saw the red light blinking frantically on my phone. 8:27 p.m. ¡°Over at Maestros. I think we¡¯re just a few blocks from each other! How r u? I miss u!¡± ME: ¡°I miss u too! How was the show? Are you having dinner?¡± ANYA: ¡°It was great! Yes, we love the sides! Steakhouses have the best salads and potatoes! I¡¯m fine. Just missing you lots. Lost my son to the bar. He¡¯s watching the Lakers game. They won! Did you watch the game?¡± ME: ¡°Yes I did! Now they have to go to Boston! I think we all know what¡¯s going to happen there! I miss you lots too, babe. Wish I could see you. Nice to know you¡¯re near me though.¡± ANYA: ¡°I think we know what¡¯s going to happen in Boston. Massacre! I know sweets! I¡¯m sending you love from just right down the street I love you!¡± ME: ¡°I love you too! Have a nice dinner!¡± ANYA: ¡°Thank you! Sweet dreams baby! I love you forever!¡± To hear from her and to know she was so close, away from him, made me feel warm inside. I thought of her son inside the bar watching the Lakers game and I saw myself in him. When I was his age I was enthralled with the Showtime Lakers from the eighties. I had great memories of watching many fun games because of Magic Johnson who literally put on a show every night they played. I imagined her son watching Kobe Bryant like I used to watch Magic, and although he was not my son, not made of my flesh or blood, if I did have a son, without a doubt he would be just like Andrew, and it made me dream further of meeting him one day, to maybe shoot baskets with him. Maybe it was wrong to dream this way, but I did because I was deeply in love with his mother as it was impossible not to fall in love with her kids too. I felt as if I knew them every time she shared something with me, and every time she did I felt extremely special. I cared when Andrew¡¯s baseball team won a game and was just as crushed when they lost. When he broke his arm, it broke my heart because I knew at that age how badly I loved to play sports, especially baseball, and I shared in his disappointment. I knew Katie was an exceptional student and loved to dance as I was equally happy to hear she made the Boston ballet program. Her kids I felt were going places as they both had qualities that reminded me of myself at that age, and I found myself rooting for them every time Anya shared their trials and tribulations with me. The only thing I disliked was the dishonesty, but I believed it was temporary. Anya wanted me to know them as much as I knew her because they were an extension of her, and the transition would be smoother if I knew them intimately. I fell asleep before nine and when I woke up the next morning I saw she had text me twice after I had fallen asleep. 9:55 p.m. ¡°I love you forever!¡± 10:08 p.m. ¡°Forever!¡± It¡¯s a strange world we live in. It had always been a struggle for me yet I now tried to alter the ocean¡¯s tides and reverse the way the earth revolved around the sun all at once. From the outside looking in, it appeared to be an impossible task, but when I thought about all the moments and the good times we¡¯ve shared together; from my apartment to RJ¡¯s in Cerritos and Luke''s in Huntington Beach to Republique, from the nights spent together in Laguna Beach to the Palos Verdes coastline, from our beach at Abalone Cove to the Good Morning Caf¨¦ and the cul-de-sac by the children¡¯s park. Taken cumulatively, all in just six months¡¯ time, I had never shared so many moments with someone and looked forward to the next moment more than I did the previous one. The next day brought with it more evidence through her texts of how much she missed me, and how much our love had grown. 3:44 p.m. ¡°I love you baby.¡± 3:56 p.m. ¡°I¡¯ve had ¡°My Fair Lady¡± music stuck in my head all day today. I miss you like crazy too! Ok, our ten minutes of kissing was not enough to get me through the week. It was a teaser! Miss kissing u babe!¡± 4:41 p.m. ¡°Gazing is good! Talking is good! We just needed more time! Miss u babe.¡± 5:03 p.m. ¡°Sometimes I touch my lips with my fingers wanting more of your kiss without realizing. I think it pacifies me.¡± 6:24 p.m. ¡°I could never forget Pacific Grill. It did feel right. Too right. I guess that¡¯s why I was confused when you left me. I miss u baby!¡± 6:39 p.m. ¡°Hmmmm. I don¡¯t know what is crazier; having me in your life or letting me go? They are both crazy!¡± 7:47 p.m. ¡°I¡¯ve been decorating like crazy! All pink, having a girl! Someday I¡¯ll tell you about my creative side! Long story!¡± 7:52 p.m. ¡°I love you forever!¡± 8:45 p.m. ¡°I¡¯m sure you¡¯re busy but wanted to say goodnight! I¡¯m working tonight. I love you!¡± 9:11 p.m. ¡°I miss u.¡± Anya kept in touch with me throughout the entire day as I began to believe the things I told her made her feel better about me forgoing kids. I didn¡¯t realize she put the burden on herself as it surprised me because when I told her I didn¡¯t want kids I truly meant it. Sure, I did before I met her, but now I knew her, and I loved her. I felt it was a good thing to be honest with her about how it discounted my feelings because it gave her the opportunity to learn more about my thought process as it provided me with a chance to prove to her I say what I mean and I mean what I say, unlike a certain someone in her life. The only way she could learn I was the real deal was if I told her my true thoughts and feelings, even though I shied away from those which could affect her at home, and then her kids. It was a fine line I also had to learn how to straddle, but little did I know I would soon learn more about where her fears originated from. Anya prepared her home for a baby shower that weekend. Her sister in law, her brother¡¯s wife, was expecting a girl. On top of that, Katie had a Bar Mitzvah coming up, and she had to also meet up with a rabbi this week. I totally understood her situation, and did not feel nor give her any grief as her love shone brightly for me through text messages. When we first began our relationship, the text messages we exchanged probably topped out at ten a day max, but now each day easily consisted of at least thirty to forty, in direct correlation to the increase in our feelings for each other. The next day she again text me throughout the day as she put on full display the challenge this summer posed for her, and for us. 6:02 p.m. ¡°I¡¯m dying I miss you soooo much! I had a good day babe. Ur my happiness. My massage therapist is dating a guy who just moved to Boston for a year for a job. They¡¯ve been together a year and now see each other once a month. I guess it made me feel a little better about the missing. I love you forever.¡± ME: ¡°I¡¯m dying over here too! Happy to hear that story made you feel better, babe. We definitely have a lot of kissing to make up for the next time we see each other!¡± ANYA: ¡°Yes we do!¡± She messaged me again later that evening, including the one I always dreaded. 7:45 p.m. ¡°Doesn¡¯t look good for the Lakers.¡± ME: ¡°Well, I think we both knew this was going to happen! What r u up to Beautiful?¡± ANYA: ¡°Just waiting for Katie to get out of dance. Should say goodnight. Sweet dreams babe.¡± ME: ¡°I guess it¡¯s that time. Ok, Sweetheart. You have a goodnight. Sweet dreams. I miss u and I love u.¡± ANYA: ¡°I get sad every time b/c I know it¡¯s the last contact of the day. I miss you and I love you too! Very much!¡± After I said goodnight to her, well after the sun came down on our day and a full moon took its place above us, as crickets chirped and darkness settled over the life just outside my bedroom window, little did I realize the next day would bring the most significant day of our relationship and of my entire life; a day which would show how far our love, her love for me had truly come. It all started innocent enough with the usual afternoon text from her. 12:11 p.m. ¡°Hi babe! Sorry I couldn¡¯t text you this morning. Dealing with some family issues. All good. My sister in law had her baby today. She was early and we¡¯re trying to decide if we should go on with the baby shower. Idk.¡± ME: ¡°Oh wow! Did she have the birth naturally? Are you going to the hospital?¡± ANYA: ¡°She had a C-section. I¡¯m not going to the hospital. My bro will be there with pictures. I miss u babe.¡± ME: ¡°Well, congratulations to your brother and to you on your new niece! I miss u too. I hope this doesn¡¯t add more stress than you already have. Wish I could help.¡± ANYA: ¡°Thank you! I think the fair thing to do is to notify people of the baby and tell them the party is on.¡± ME: ¡°I think that¡¯s a good idea, babe.¡± ANYA: ¡°Don¡¯t mean to bum you out, but I can actually c us with one! Maybe another life!¡± I reread her message again over and over as I felt like a sportscaster who claimed they couldn¡¯t believe what they just saw. My first instinct was surprise, then jubilation, then absolute trepidation. Was this text a trap to see how much having a child meant to me? Was this a way to find a crack in my armor? How could she mean this when she made herself perfectly clear this wasn¡¯t an option for her? Since I couldn¡¯t ascertain the true intent of her message, I remained unresponsive like a man who just went into full blown cardiac arrest. I decided to let her make the next move, and forty minutes later she bit. 12:55 p.m. ¡°I was just kidding! Just leaving the office! I miss u!¡± I knew our love had grown, but I didn¡¯t believe it sprouted to the point of a total change of heart, especially about having kids. Of course, I wanted to have kids with her. She¡¯s the only person I wanted to have a child with, but I knew going in kids were not an option with her, and not only did I respect it, but also willingly accepted it. When I responded to tell her I thought she was kidding, she confused me once again. 1:03 p.m. ¡°No, I wasn¡¯t totally kidding. I can dream right? Xoxo! Peace!¡± Now I was more confused than ever and couldn¡¯t respond to anything. I just stood there, unable to move, pleaded the fifth, and just stared at my phone not knowing what to believe, but knowing if I responded in kind, it could be used against me in future guilt proceedings by Judge Anya. The problem was this though; my silence confused her as well. 2:03 p.m. ¡°???I love you!!!¡± In my silence, she then took the angle I didn¡¯t truly love her, and my love fled the scene now she wanted to have a baby with me; our baby. If I took this delectable bait though and clarified, she¡¯d likely have something to grasp. If she wanted to have a child with me, no question I would love to, as I welcomed the chance to make a wrong in her life, right. To show her no one who truly loved her would ever cheat on her let alone if she gained weight due to pregnancy; even if she couldn¡¯t have sex, or wasn¡¯t even up to it, no one would ever jump ship like her cowardly husband did. I¡¯d be there for her when she was ready; loyally, faithfully, forever loving, but was she as sincere as I was? A few hours after I responded with an ¡°I love you too¡± text, she text me later that evening to let me know how my silence affected her. 6:44 p.m. ¡°Hi! Not feeling the love today! Did I scare you with the baby talk? I was kidding baby! U don¡¯t have to worry! Heading to book club.¡± ME: ¡°Do you really think it scared me to have a child with you? That you would give me the greatest gift other than yourself? I love you. That doesn¡¯t scare me at all.¡± ANYA: ¡°I didn¡¯t know. Just haven¡¯t heard from you. It¡¯s crazy for me to even entertain the idea of ever having another child. I admit I fantasize sometimes of having one with you. If you ask any of my friends they¡¯d tell u I¡¯m totally against ever having another child. For me to even think about it is a miracle. Paul and Marlene, my neighbors, are having a baby soon. It¡¯s her first and she¡¯s 42 years old. They are sooo happy. Can¡¯t help fantasizing sometimes that¡¯s all.¡± ME: ¡°I¡¯m deeply flattered and I¡¯m sorry Sweetheart. I didn¡¯t mean to ignore you. I just thought maybe you were trying to bait me.¡± ANYA: ¡°Bait you?¡± ME: ¡°I didn¡¯t think you were serious. I thought you were trying to get me to admit I want children. Like I said before, and I meant it, with every inch of my soul, the only child I would ever want to have is with you. So it wasn¡¯t a trap?¡± ANYA: ¡°No, just a thought that¡¯s all. I guarantee if we had one we would lose us.¡± I understood where she stood from. It¡¯s a sad fact, but most people who do have children greatly sacrifice their relationship. When you have kids, things are never the same again, and it¡¯s easy to lose yourself because it¡¯s never what you expect. Anya had a horrible experience though, and as much as she didn¡¯t want to admit it, his betrayal traumatized her. And what was her crime for giving her husband the two greatest gifts he¡¯s ever received? She gained too much weight after the pregnancy, and became unworthy of her husband¡¯s desire because he simply had the power of other options? It made me sick to think about how much she suffered during her second pregnancy while he was out and about running around with another woman, and if that wasn¡¯t emotional abuse, I will never know what is. I was blown away by her texts once I realized it wasn¡¯t a game. Anya felt as if she changed my destiny, and of course she did, but it was my choice too, not just hers. I loved her deeply enough to forgo having children, not because I feared we would lose us, but because I loved her and she didn¡¯t want to have them. It was the rule of engagement when we began seeing each other. I knew that rule and I accepted it by falling. To have her change her mind, to even fantasize about it, was undoubtedly the greatest compliment I had ever received from anyone before, and for her to want to carry my child was not only the greatest honor but filled me with the ultimate sense of happiness and pride as it represented the most vital evidence yet I had truly swept her off her feet. When her book club meeting ended, she text me. 6:44 p.m. ¡°Hi! R u there?¡± ME: ¡°Hi babe. I¡¯m here. I hope I didn¡¯t hurt you today in my silence. If I did I am truly sorry. It was not my intention.¡± ANYA: ¡°You didn¡¯t hurt me babe. I just thought I scared you.¡± ME: ¡°No way. I guess I needed to know you meant it. It was the greatest compliment I¡¯ve ever received in my life. I miss u.¡± ANYA: ¡°I miss u too. I¡¯m home now. Have to say goodnight. Would love to hear ur voice sometime tomorrow. I miss talking to you. I miss u. I love you forever!¡± ME: ¡°I¡¯ll give you a call tom babe. Goodnight. I love you forever too!¡± We made arrangements to talk on the phone when I got off of work the following evening at six-thirty. Although I wanted to talk on the phone more often than we did because I loved the sound of her voice, it was hard with her kids around to do so, and I never wanted her to leave them just to talk with me. After a long stressful workday for me however, I felt nothing but elation to know I would soon hear my perfect melody. I call her at six-thirty exactly as she sounded excited to hear from me, and it didn¡¯t take long before she quickly took the reins of the subject matter as it appeared our textversation from yesterday weighed heavily on her mind. ¡°I hope you don¡¯t think I regret having my kids.¡± she said. ¡°I realize I sound like I¡¯m against having kids but that¡¯s not true.¡± ¡°That never crossed my mind. I know how much you love them. Even I love them and I don¡¯t even know them because of all the things you shared with me about them. If I thought you regretted having your kids, it would be because you never talk about them or hardly mention them.¡± ¡°I guess what I¡¯m trying to say is I think the experience is different for everybody, and I just had a bad experience, you know¡­and maybe I¡¯m blaming it on having kids.¡± she said. ¡°I should have seen the warning signs though.¡± ¡°What were the warning signs? ¡° I asked. ¡°Well, for instance, each time we¡¯d go out to dinner, he¡¯d flirt with the hostesses and the waitresses at the restaurant.¡± she elaborated. ¡°He would even check women out all the time when we were together, in front of me. Like I was not even there. Unfeeling. When he cheated the first time, while I was pregnant with Andrew, I had to actually go and talk to the husband.¡± ¡°The husband?¡± I said in shock. ¡°You mean he cheated on you when you were pregnant with another married woman?¡± ¡°Yes, he did.¡± she said. ¡°I blamed myself a lot for it because after I told her husband, he eventually ended up divorcing her. I felt a lot of guilt about that.¡± I¡¯ve heard of a lot of bad things in this life. I knew this life wasn¡¯t fair, but I didn¡¯t realize people who probably drew the envy of Satan existed. So now, not only did I know he disrespected Anya in public, he had absolutely no respect for the marriages of others, yet he still had the audacity to make her feel guilty about her empty feelings for him. As his arrogance and narcissism shot off the charts, her revelation also told me the stress brought on by his betrayal and her heavy heart caused Andrew¡¯s premature birth. The fact she was still with him boggled my mind and again, it made me wonder what I didn¡¯t know. Why would she still be with a man who has shown this much disrespect to not only her, but to others? If he could care less about ruining the marriages of other people, I now found myself feeling zero guilt whatsoever for my involvement in her life, and I was ready to fight for her more than ever especially knowing she now dreamed of having a child with me. ¡°From what you¡¯ve shared with me about him. All I¡¯ve learned about him through you. Especially when you told me he told you he would trade you in for two twenty year olds when you turned forty, I have no doubt he would have cheated on you regardless of the kids.¡± I responded. ¡°It seems like integrity, character, and even a conscience isn¡¯t in his DNA. Sweetheart, I really, really, really think, in fact I know, you need to stop blaming his betrayal on having kids and start blaming him for the reason you lost each other.¡± ¡°You¡¯re right. Sad, but true.¡± she said. ¡°I feel bad for tainting you. I know it would be different with you. You¡¯d be totally there for me in every way. I feel awful for telling you that.¡± ¡°Sweetheart, you could never taint me and you didn¡¯t lose your husband because you had kids; he was lost to begin with. Things would be completely different with me. I love you for you. Not for just what you look like or just what you can give me, but what you allow me to give you. We would never lose us if we had a child because with you I¡¯m always found, never lost. I hope you believe me. When I say I love you, I mean it in every sense of the word. I want to take good care of your heart for the rest of your life. You¡¯re everything to me. I¡¯m never going to jeopardize losing you especially over something that would only bring us closer together for eternity.¡± ¡°You¡¯re an incredible man.¡± ¡°I¡¯m not though, babe¡ªI¡¯m just a regular man who¡¯s completely in love with you.¡± I told her. ¡°So don¡¯t feel bad about anything. You¡¯ve been through a lot. You¡¯re so busy you don¡¯t realize the pain you still hold on to, but I understand how you feel. I will always understand how you feel.¡± ¡°I¡¯m sorry for telling you what I did. I felt awful. I hope I didn¡¯t paint a bad picture.¡± She said. ¡°You didn¡¯t know you were dealing with such a whackjob didn¡¯t u?¡± ¡°You¡¯re not a whack job, babe. You¡¯re a human being. With real feelings and emotions that you¡¯re safe to feel with me. Things you should¡¯ve always been made to feel safe to feel. You¡¯re the Sistine Chapel to me. I love you forever.¡± ¡°I love you forever. No question.¡± ¡°No question.¡± I said. After our conversation, I believe we both felt better and understood what all the baby talk meant; why it existed in the first place. It was a significant revelation though; a great advance in our relationship. It proved we were both vested in each other, even willing to knock down what I thought to be insurmountable walls when we first began, and I trusted every word she told me as I now begged the Universe for a chance to show her what a real love was all about. The next day, she sent me a text to describe her feelings after our conversation. 3:08 p.m. ¡°Hi! I just fell in love w/another chubby little girl while running errands! She had the cutest smile!¡± After I read her text, I smiled broadly then hoped for many more chubby little girls and boys to find her line of sight. That very same evening she hosted a party at her house, a gathering that included both Carolyn and Debbie. Since C & D were there, I felt safe enough to text her and see how the party was going but her responses seemed a bit out of the ordinary. 8:04 p.m. ¡°Hi! Did u make it home ok? Going through withdrawals?¡± ME: ¡°I am! We need to talk on the phone again soon. Is C&D still at your house? ANYA: ¡°Yes and yes! We¡¯re still hanging out. How r u?¡± ME: ¡°I¡¯m good. Please tell them I said ¡°hi¡±! I miss u.¡± She never responded to my last text. No ¡°They said hello¡±. No ¡°I miss you too¡±. No ¡°I love you forever¡± and as I tried to not let her silence affect me, I had to take notice how it was unlike her not to respond or at the very least wish me a goodnight. I then started to rationalize Debbie and Carolyn were probably in the dark about the way she felt for me, and I felt mildly better, but I suddenly recalled her conversation a couple of months ago with the clairvoyant when she asked Anya specifically ¡°What was coming up in June?¡± ¡°My wedding anniversary.¡± she told me. And then it was clear to me, the only logical reason for her rare non-response; tonight a party was being thrown with friends and neighbors to celebrate her wedding anniversary. I tried to dismiss the thought, but because she didn¡¯t text me back, it seemed to make the most sense as I reasoned he had to be around them in suspicion. I tried to not let it get me down, but it being a Friday night, it was hard to discount as I had a hard time falling asleep, and the more I thought about it, the more my stomach began to churn as I began to dry heave because I hadn¡¯t eaten a thing that evening. It made me literally sick to fathom the thought of glasses being raised in celebration over something and someone so wrong, so contrived, so fake. I don¡¯t know why these thoughts consumed me, I knew she loved me, but my low self-esteem forced an appearance and I couldn¡¯t deny the existence of a great sorrow I felt. A haunting disturbance inside as if there was a ghost in the room with me, but when I saw my reflection in my closet¡¯s mirror doors, I quickly learned I was the only ghost in the room on this night. I barely managed to sleep, and it wasn¡¯t until I convinced myself she loved me because of all the baby talk the other day that I began to fade into darkness. When the sun saved me from the night, I felt much better as I blamed the fatigue from the stress of the long work week for most of my worry as I believed the new day would be kinder on my heart. 7:14 a.m. ¡°Good morning! Hope u had a good nite! Sorry the girls stayed late. How r u?¡± I didn¡¯t know how to respond as the girls had never been a reason for her not to send me at least a goodnight text. Something didn¡¯t sound right at all as I further believed it was indeed an anniversary party she hosted. I didn¡¯t want her to think I was bothered by it because I could have been wrong too, like I had been several times before, so I just told her I understood, I was good, and asked how she was doing. 7:31 a.m. ¡°Going to a conservative/orthodox Bat Mitzvah at 9:30. It¡¯s a 3 hour service and then lunch. Just shoot me!!! Xoxo!!¡± I was just thankful the party was over as her texts made me feel a little better, but with the day came an unusually quiet afternoon and when the evening provided more evidence this was a celebratory weekend for her, I became ridden with an anguish that left me paralyzed. 1:21 p.m. ¡°Hi! Longest service ever!¡± 7:46 p.m. ¡°Hi! On my way to L.A. Going to say goodnight now b/c I don¡¯t know how late I¡¯ll be out. Love u!¡± Those three texts were the extent of her messages to me on this day, and it made me sick to my stomach to think that a marriage full of dishonesty and disloyalty was worthy of weekend festivities. Even though I could¡¯ve been wrong, I didn¡¯t believe I was, as it coincided with what she told me a couple of months ago. I knew she was married, but after all we¡¯ve shared this part of the fa?ade was now tougher than ever, if not impossible, to digest. If Anya ever felt guilty about the things she did with him, the pain she put my heart through at times because of the facade, I figured I would see a text from her later. 8:15 p.m. ¡°I miss u.¡± 10:17 p.m. ¡°I miss u¡­¡± 10:55 p.m. ¡°XoXo¡± Instead, like her hopes, wishes and dreams, she sent me three, and it was something I desperately needed to see. After I received them, I imagined her in a high class restaurant, with her husband, among family and their elegant friends, and as much it hurt me to imagine, my heart broke for her at the same time mine did. She was not in the presence of love; something she deserved to be in. The baby talk was substantial, but was it said because she knew what was going down this weekend? I didn¡¯t want to give her a hard time about this, but I also couldn¡¯t be fake, I needed her honesty because her truth by omission, a truth only known if I asked, was not truth. I don¡¯t think at this point it mattered, but little did I know, I was on the verge of learning what the great missing piece was. Why she hid so much from me. Why her truth by omission existed and purposely, by her own design evaded me. And my life would never be the same again. CHAPTER 27 ~ HOW A THEORY DIES ¡°The most incomprehensible thing about the world is that it is comprehensible.¡± ~ Albert Einstein 10:26 a.m. ¡°Good morning!¡± Even though I hardly slept, I felt even worse as her late morning text fed my hopeless emotions. I then imagined she returned home from last night¡¯s celebration and went to bed late because she had sex with him early into the morning hours. I really tried to look at the glass half full, but every time I attempted to I only felt more like half the fool. As thoughts of the most profound mental anguish I ever experienced consumed me, I realized it could be the product of my fatigue, fear and worry so I wished her a good morning and good luck with her baby shower. I sent her a text at noon to tell her I hoped the shower was going well, and usually she responded fairly quick but two hours passed and no word. I then began to visualize the scene with the man who cheated on her several times being introduced by her to people at the shower which in turn sparked a conversation about the great night they had celebrating their fifteenth wedding anniversary, as if the marriage was a great source of pride for both of them. The more I thought of this scenario, the more these destructive thoughts inflamed and ripped me apart from the inside out. I understood the things she did for their kids, but anything she did for him, for their marriage, I struggled with. On this particular day, I had my hands up as I surrendered to the possibility of these events unable to move out of bed to even eat. 4:23 p.m. ¡°Thank you baby! Party is still going! I love you!¡± Even though her text arrived over four hours later, it contained a healing power as it helped relax my unforgiving fatigued mind. I decided to not text her the rest of the day as I worried about distracting her. She then contacted me later that evening. 9:48 p.m. ¡°Hi! How was ur day? Just got out of the movies. I took the kids to see ¡°Get Smart.¡± It was good! Very funny! I laughed a lot! Katie said I laughed too loud! How embarrassing! You should c it! Maybe you can c it while you¡¯re in Hesperia? I miss u!¡± I tried to hide it, to tuck the pain away, but it gnawed at me all day, and I finally gave way because it was in my face. Here I was at home, on a Sunday, an off day, unable to move, sick to my stomach about her celebratory weekend, and here she was, after she partied all weekend, threw a baby shower and capped it off with a movie. There was absolutely nothing wrong with the way she spent her Sunday, but it just struck a nerve in me because of the clandestine nature of her Friday and Saturday night. With a troubled mind and a heart that ached for her, I could no long hold back my fear. ME: ¡°Happy to hear you enjoyed the show. I miss u too. I had a rough day. I don¡¯t want to lie to you about it.¡± ANYA: ¡°R u ok?¡± ME: ¡°I¡¯m ok. I just had a hard time sleeping last night. In fact, I didn¡¯t sleep at all.¡± ANYA: ¡°Why?¡± ME: ¡°To be honest, it just felt like you were out with your husband last night on a date.¡± ANYA: ¡°It was not like that! I don¡¯t want to get into it rt now. I¡¯m tired. I¡¯m sorry you had a hard day. I¡¯m sorry about our situation. I¡¯m just sorry.¡± ME: ¡°Ok. I think I just need to get some rest.¡± ANYA: ¡°I¡¯m going to say goodnight. Sleep well baby. I love you.¡± ME: ¡°Goodnight. I love you too.¡± I succumbed to another sleepless night as my erratic negative thoughts remained unresolved and bred while a disdain for myself swelled within because I hated to mention anything to her. I didn¡¯t want her to be affected in any way in fear her kids would take notice, but on this night I was more human than hero. To imagine her with another man, especially him of all people, didn¡¯t just break my heart but terrorized my mind as I wondered how she could give this man any piece of herself after all we¡¯ve shared and after all she communicated to me about him. This uneasy feeling nestled so uncomfortably within me that I knew the next day was going to be an eventful one in our relationship as this perceived weekend celebration put me up against the ropes. I had to find a way to let her know without giving her something to grasp that dinners with him were now especially tough on me. It was bad enough I knew she still shared the same bed, but I didn¡¯t need another mental burden on my plate for I had enough on my heart when she wasn¡¯t with me. I began to realize for the first time, my love was at a point that I was bound to her in my mind. Although I was physically in my lonely apartment, my soul was with her at her home, and even if I was physically in Bangladesh or any other part of the world, my true self would still be in Dana Point; my love for her omnipresent. Before we started our day, she sent me a text early that Monday morning. 7:46 a.m. ¡°Good morning! Hope you slept well! Would u like to talk later? Let me know and I¡¯ll find a time to talk after work. Have a great day!¡± ME: ¡°Good morning! I didn¡¯t sleep very well last night either. I hope you slept well. It¡¯s not worth talking about. Have a great day too!¡± ANYA: ¡°I¡¯m sorry. Exactly what did you think happened Saturday night? I didn¡¯t feel good at all and didn¡¯t have a good time if you must know. It was a dinner planned w/people.¡± ME: ¡°No worries, babe. I¡¯m sorry to hear you didn¡¯t have a good time. I hope you¡¯re feeling better.¡± Anya didn¡¯t seem to understand how the fa?ade of her marriage left me to feel at times as she missed the point of my concern. It didn¡¯t make me feel any better to hear she wasn¡¯t feeling well and didn¡¯t have a good time because I wanted her to feel well and have a good time. My issue was strictly about honesty and perception because a planned dinner with people was still a planned dinner date with her husband as a couple. Could she at least be genuine enough to illicit the perception she¡¯s not happily married taking into consideration I¡¯m in her life now? It brought me pain to know she continued to live her life in the same fashion as if I wasn¡¯t a part of it. When I began to think of her kids however, and how this dinner was probably an extension of the fa?ade for their sake, I found understanding as I felt a little better but there still existed an unknown variable to this equation. As much as it hurt me to adapt to the fa?ade, I also tried against my authentic nature to tolerate it because I knew what was at stake for both of us. Two hours later as I gazed outside my office window lost in a multitude of thoughts, she text me again. 9:46 a.m. ¡°When you say ¡°worth talking about¡± does this stem from anger? R we worth talking about? Don¡¯t u want to talk to me if you¡¯re not happy about something?¡± ME: ¡°I wouldn¡¯t say it stems from anger but more from disappointment. We don¡¯t have to talk about it. It¡¯s okay.¡± ANYA: ¡°I would love to talk to you but if u think it¡¯s not a good idea then we don¡¯t have to. It was just a dinner to try a new restaurant. Do u want to take a break and have some time to think? I love u to death and it¡¯s killing me. I¡¯m dying inside.¡± ME: ¡°Can I call u at six?¡± ANYA: ¡°Yes, babe.¡± I feared to give her something to grasp but I also feared to be dishonest about how I felt. It wouldn¡¯t be fair to her if I didn¡¯t communicate my feelings when she showed me how much she cared about them. Whenever she was with me, by my side, I felt secure, and sacred. When she was home though, outside of my arms, I felt insecure, a dirty secret. I understood I couldn¡¯t put her in a spot to be found out, and in that sense the dinners were a necessary evil. My concerns were simply this. Was she telling me one thing and then taking the stance ¡°If he doesn¡¯t know he can¡¯t be hurt by it, but if he asks me then I will be honest with him.¡±? If that was the case, then I felt my heart was in play. I needed authenticity from her more than anything. I needed to know she was real at home, now. Not exposed, just real so I felt real. I knew she had to put on an act for the kids, I didn¡¯t want to change that but I needed her act around him to change just a tiny bit to hold my low self-esteem at bay. Whatever she did for and with the kids, I understood. The things she did for and with him, for their marriage, I had a hard time understanding as I needed to find a way to separate the two. As I sat in my office while I wondered how I would present my concern to her without giving her something to grasp when we talked later and entirely unfocused on the heavy workload on my plate this week, the most unexpected visitor suddenly appeared at my door. ¡°Oh, this here is Landman¡¯s office?¡± resounded a stern yet distinct voice. ¡°You give your associates their own offices huh? Your firm must be doing well.¡± ¡°Good morning, Mr. Caiaphas.¡± I said as I rose to acknowledge him and to extend a hand shake. ¡°It¡¯s nice to see you again. What brings you by today?¡± ¡°Mr. Caiaphas has been gracious enough to put us in contact with an acquaintance of his who will help design our new work spaces.¡± Informed Clyde Kirchner who stood next to the slicked back dark haired, navy blue suit and red tie clad real estate mogul-politician Jackson Caiaphas. ¡°We¡¯re remodeling the entire office. New furniture. The works.¡± ¡°Well, well, well Landman.¡± he said as he shook my hand then ventured inside my office space to look around. ¡°Quite the quaint workspace you have here. My god, where are the pictures of your lovely family? Certainly you must have some in here. Am I mistaken?¡± ¡°Oh no, Mr. Caiaphas. You¡¯re not mistaken. I¡¯m not married nor do I have any children. Maybe one day.¡± I laughed. ¡°That¡¯s a shame.¡± he said. ¡°So you work for yourself.¡± ¡°At the moment, I must say so.¡± ¡°That¡¯s okay for some people I guess.¡± he said as he now scrutinized the view outside my large office window. ¡°My office is at least ten times this size, and it¡¯s full of many amenities with a nice view as well but it¡¯s also adorned with family photos. I¡¯m really proud of what I¡¯ve built. A family is the only thing worth working for, if you ask me. Anything else is a show of egocentricity.¡± ¡°I can¡¯t say I¡¯m not envious, Mr. Caiaphas. Not having a family at this point in my life definitely wasn¡¯t by design, I can assure you. In fact, quite the opposite.¡± I said surprised by his candidness. ¡°I can certainly appreciate your great sense of pride though.¡± ¡°Indeed.¡± he said almost lost in his own train of thought as he turned to Clyde. ¡°I¡¯m sure my acquaintance, William Strahey, will be able to plan, design and implement a more than suitable new work space area for you here. I¡¯ll put him in touch with you.¡± ¡°I look forward to hearing from him.¡± said Clyde as they both turned to exit my office. ¡°Good to see you again. Thanks for stopping by. Have a nice day.¡± I said. ¡°Good day, Landman.¡± he said then turned to Clyde just before his complete exit. ¡°Maybe a cubicle is more suitable for an associate wouldn¡¯t you agree? You can use this office for storage purposes or for the server¡­it¡¯s not like you have to take anything down in here. Something to think about.¡± As Mr. Caiaphas left my office, I dug my hands deep into my pockets as I took inventory of my office space, or lack of in what he observed and all I could do was acknowledge how far I fell short in my life in comparison. He owned a multitude of commercial real estate and was renown throughout the entire State of California as a successful businessman and councilman for the city of San Francisco. So successful in fact, next year a seat on the House of Representatives was a foregone conclusion. There was no doubt he would be a future decorated member of Congress; a model politician who went from local to state to federal stardom. Everyone saw his professional achievements but to me, the accomplishment that held the most value was the one he cherished the most, the commitment to his wife and family. The pride he took in those gifts alone was where I measured his true greatness. Whether he called me Landman or not, or whether he belittled my associate status, or if he thought I didn¡¯t deserve an office, my respect for him lied in the way he loved his wife and kids; how he recognized those things as the springboard to his success. To me, that¡¯s what made him revered, efficacious, and worthy of emulation. I believed every other success that followed was because of what he truly valued in life, above all. Above commercial real estate. Above power. Above control. Above himself. The love and honor he held for his wife and family. With Jackson Caiaphas as my inspiration, I gave Anya a call after work to discuss my issue over the weekend. I was going to be honest but also let her know, it was no big deal. I was just hurt by it at the time, but I was over it as I had to find a way not to give her any more grief about it. ¡°Hi babe, how are you?¡± I asked when she answered on the very first ring. ¡°I¡¯m okay. How are you?¡± she asked. ¡°I¡¯m okay. Had a long day at work.¡± ¡°Sorry you had to work today.¡± ¡°Just one of those days babe. It just dragged and dragged.¡± I said. ¡°I¡¯m sorry for letting my mind get the best of me over the weekend. I hope you¡¯re okay. I¡¯m okay.¡± ¡°It¡¯s okay. I¡¯m fine. I hope you are too. I miss you terribly. I¡¯m sorry I hurt you. I didn¡¯t mean to.¡± ¡°I know Sweetheart. I think I hurt myself sometimes.¡± I said. ¡°I miss you terribly too. I just didn¡¯t understand why you never mentioned it to me during the week, and then I didn¡¯t know what to think.¡± ¡°When we first started seeing each other, I told you I can¡¯t make it difficult for me back home. I have to live there. So I can¡¯t have dinner anymore with friends?¡± ¡°I understand and it¡¯s not that at all, babe. I want you to go out to dinner with your friends. That¡¯s not what affected me.¡± I said. ¡°The fact is you¡¯re seeing me, and sometimes I have a hard time when you plan things as if you¡¯re not seeing me. It makes me feel like you¡¯re denying my existence. It feels like you keep living your life like I¡¯m not a part of it nor am I ever going to be a part of it yet I feel you¡¯ve done everything to make me feel a part of it. Does that make sense?¡± ¡°Denying your existence? Wow! Don¡¯t know what to say to that.¡± ¡°I know it¡¯s not easy for you to understand, but I think if you were on this end, and let¡¯s say I¡¯m going out with my wife to dinner with friends, a person I told you terrible things about that allowed you to feel so much for me, I think you would understand why I felt the way I did. It just hurt, Anya because I want to be the one out to dinner with you and your friends. Since you weren¡¯t feeling well, could you have told them you were going to pass on dinner? Is there any way you could try to scale back on the fa?ade of your marriage just a little?¡± ¡°I don¡¯t think what I say at this point is going to matter.¡± she said softly. ¡°I guess it depends on what you have to say, babe.¡± I said. ¡°Or if you feel we¡¯re worth it.¡± ¡°I¡¯m so sorry. I want to cry because I don¡¯t want to hurt you anymore.¡± she said. ¡°I wish I could hold you and take the pain away. I love you with all my heart. I love you more than you know. I¡¯ve risked everything to take a chance with you.¡± ¡°I love you with all my heart too, that¡¯s why it affected me. I don¡¯t want you to stop doing the things you have to do. I know I have to understand most of it, but the things you do with and for your husband is what I struggle with, and I have to be honest about it.¡± I said. ¡°I don¡¯t know but maybe, just maybe, ¡°everything¡± isn¡¯t all that it¡¯s cracked up to be, babe.¡± When I told her ¡°maybe everything isn¡¯t all that it¡¯s cracked up to be¡± I meant it in the sense that money and things maybe weren¡¯t as important as love. I never meant it in the sense she could ever lose her children or their understanding as I did not factor them in as part of the ¡°everything¡± equation because I believed they were fear based not reality based concerns. More than anything though, my statement came with a hint of low self-esteem because again, I felt I was just a normal man who truly loved her and truly believed marriages were more than realistic. I felt there was nothing incredible about me as I felt I held a point of view most people did especially when they made their marriage vows. Loving her for the rest of my life was just a realistic and true scenario because I yearned so much to be with her even beyond the end of our earthly lives. ¡°I understand. I have to go, babe. Thanks for calling me. Have a goodnight.¡± ¡°Okay. Thanks for listening. Have a goodnight.¡± I told her. As I shut off my cell phone, I had no idea what the outcome was of our phone conversation. If she couldn¡¯t tone down the fa?ade somewhat then how could we survive? I kept having hiccups and went from the highest of highs when we were together to the lowest of lows when we were apart as the unknown variable ate me alive. I completely understood she couldn¡¯t make life difficult for herself at home, she had to live there but she never told me that in the beginning. She communicated to me that all I had to do was sweep her off her feet and she would be with me, but again I wanted her to come into a great situation so I understood her current status but at this point I felt after all the love she had shown me it wasn¡¯t unreasonable for me to expect her to change her life just a little to acknowledge my presence in her life, one she allowed and encouraged to exist. It was now clear this is why she asked me to fight; to trust in her love for times such as this when the unknown variable attacked me from all angles, but I didn¡¯t know she also meant she was going to live her life regularly with me so deeply a part of it. Again, there was a very fine line because I feared her being exposed, and I had to trust she had a plan. I had to trust she loved me enough to have one, and I really believed she did. I guess we were on somewhat of a break because of the summer so maybe that was where her suggestion came from, but my love for her feared to lose her and that¡¯s where my pain derived from; fear. One thing I began to quickly learn, in a situation like ours with love this deep, confusion and frustration easily mounted, as I believed by suggesting a break she hoped to stave those emotions off. I had been through them before on V-Day, her trip to Tenerife, and on Memorial Day, but this felt different because it was her wedding anniversary, a statement of her marriage to others. I worried about her though. I worried about her being sad and susceptible around her kids and around him, so I decided to try harder to deal with the sadness I felt. If she hurt when I did, I truly believed the love in her heart for me would bring us together. The next morning, uncertain about the status of our relationship, she text me with news of her weekend plans. 7:46 a.m. ¡°Good morning. Didn¡¯t sleep much. Katie has dress rehearsals all week. This coming weekend is her recital weekend. I can¡¯t c u this weekend, will be working backstage all weekend. Last show is Sunday night.¡± ME: ¡°Good morning. Sorry to hear you didn¡¯t sleep well. I didn¡¯t as well. No worries, we¡¯ll see each other again when you can work it out.¡± ANYA: ¡°Wish u can come and see a show. She¡¯s one of the main characters! It should be good. I miss you. I love you. R u mad at me?¡± When she asked me if I was mad at her, I felt awful. I was hurt, no question, but I wasn¡¯t mad at her because I loved her enough to understand her situation. I just wanted to let her know how it made me feel and how I felt it could be remedied. I felt even bad mentioning it to her, but I wanted to be honest. Disappointed; yes. Mad; no. ME: ¡°I¡¯m not mad at you Sweetheart. I miss you and love you too. I would love to come watch your daughter perform. Maybe I can catch her last show on Sunday?¡± ANYA: ¡°R u sure? Sunday show is actually an afternoon show which is done around 5:30ish. I wouldn¡¯t recommend that show b/c the dancers are tired by then and they don¡¯t have a good cast. I can send u a tix for Sat night. Won¡¯t be able to c u though b/c I¡¯ll be backstage.¡± ME: ¡°I¡¯m just honored you would invite me. Thank you!¡± ANYA: ¡°Ok. I¡¯ll tell you the details later. Andrew and his Dad won¡¯t be there b/c of an All-Star game. I will send u the tix in tomorrow¡¯s mail. I miss u. I love u.¡± ME: ¡°I miss u. I love u, too. Do I have to dress up? Should I wear a suit?¡± ANYA: ¡°No, not at all. Ur just there to see a friend¡¯s kid. Totally casual!¡± ME: ¡°Ok, sounds like the plan for Sat!¡± ANYA: ¡°U don¡¯t have to. I didn¡¯t expect u to. It¡¯s a children¡¯s ballet. It¡¯s sweet of you but u might find it boring.¡± ME: ¡°I could use a little culture in my life! I¡¯m sure I will enjoy it babe. Just give me the details when you have time to. No rush.¡± ANYA: ¡°Ha! Ok! I will send you two tickets so u can change seats if u don¡¯t like the person you¡¯re sitting next to (loud, sweating, heavy breathing, etc.)¡± ME: ¡°Ha ha! I will be on the lookout for my tix then! Thanks babe.¡± ANYA: ¡°The show starts with a variety of dances and then will go into a ballet called ¡°Coppelia (dancing doll)¡±. Katie will be in 7 dances including dancing as Coppelia.¡± ME: ¡°Oh wow! It sounds like she¡¯s the star of the show! I really look forward to seeing her perform! Ok, babe. Send me the details when you get a chance. Chat later!¡± ANYA: ¡°If u get a program u can see which dances she¡¯s in. I can also text u which ones if u want. Show starts promptly at 7:30.¡± ME: ¡°I¡¯ll be sure to grab a program! You don¡¯t have to text me the songs, I know how busy you are and I¡¯ll have the program. 7:30 sharp. I will be there! Thanks again, babe. Talk to you later!¡± ANYA: ¡°I love you forever.¡± ME: ¡°I love you forever. Xoxo!¡± ANYA: ¡°Dancing in the Streets, The Chase, Block it Out, Stairway to Heaven, Ballroom Blitz, Michael Jackson Mix, Paper Dolls, and her Coppelia solo. I guess she¡¯s in eight numbers. Those r the songs. Pretty much in order. It¡¯s best to get the program. Makes it easier.¡± Love what you''re reading? Discover and support the author on the platform they originally published on. ME: ¡°You¡¯re too damn cute. I¡¯ll get the program too. I just hope it has a picture of Katie in it so I¡¯ll know what she looks like! Ha!¡± ANYA: ¡°Ha! I doubt it does and it will be hard to tell because of all the group dances but just look for the girl who looks like me!¡± I had no idea what I had just agreed to, but this was undoubtedly second in honor to her admission of wanting to have a child with me. I found her invite to be a huge statement about her feelings for me, and also mine for her. Even when she asked me to attend not only a ballet, but a children¡¯s ballet I never felt an ounce of dread or indecision. It¡¯s one thing to tell someone you love them. People do it all the time. It was the easiest thing to do, but this actually showed me how much she did. Her love at times snuck up on me in the most beautifully deceptive ways as she proved to me she knew love must first become a verb before it becomes a noun. She wanted me to know her kids as much as I possibly could, and to share the detail of their lives with me because she wanted me to feel I was a part of her life as much as possible. They were an extension of her I adored, and even though I couldn¡¯t see her, she wanted me there to experience moments she had with her kids as if we were together, and it resonated louder than an asteroid meeting the earth. The real beauty in this though lied in what I told her the previous night about how I felt I didn¡¯t exist. Without my knowledge, she took note when she told me there was nothing she could say about that as she realized she could only show me, and did she ever. Through Anya, I never believed love this strong existed, but like some powerful supernova light years away we never really feel or see, we do know it exists. To actually feel it though, and for her to show it in this way, it just didn¡¯t matter if I saw her because I knew she was there; her love like the supernova; too powerful not to be. Later that evening, she text me as she was out with Carolyn and Debbie for a spill. 7:46 a.m. ¡°How r u? Just left C & D and am now picking up Andrew from practice and then off to Katie¡¯s rehearsal till 10! How r u?¡± ME: ¡°I¡¯m good! That¡¯s a full day right there. Please be safe out there. How r u?¡± ANYA: ¡°I¡¯m good. How do u feel about us today?¡± ME: ¡°I feel better about us today. I¡¯m sorry for having hard time. Sometimes, the missing just gets the best of me. I just wanted to be honest with you about it. If we¡¯re not honest with each other, we don¡¯t stand a chance. I don¡¯t want us to take a break from each other.¡± ANYA: ¡°I understand. I¡¯m glad we talked the other night. U lost your cool because you can only take so much. Again I don¡¯t know how u do it. It¡¯s hard for me and I can¡¯t imagine what it¡¯s like for u. I was very sad when I got off the phone with you but it was a better day yesterday. I decided I wasn¡¯t going to carry all the guilt. If it was meant to be it was meant to be. I¡¯m just in love.¡± ME: ¡°I¡¯m sorry if I made you feel guilty. The things you do for him and with him, hurt me, but I know you have to keep that mask on right now. Your happiness is what keeps me going. I really care about your happiness. I think it¡¯s important for your long-term well-being, and I¡¯m willing to even sacrifice my own because I love you. I believe in one day. I believe in us. I believe in our love as much as you do, if not more.¡± ANYA: ¡°Your happiness means a lot to me too. I¡¯m not a bad person even though I question it these days. I never planned on meeting you and falling in love.¡± ME: ¡°Sweetheart, my love, you are the most beautiful person I¡¯ve ever known. It¡¯s not your fault your husband left you to feel this way. It¡¯s not your fault this happened. We¡¯re only about goodness here because this is all about love, nothing less. We both didn¡¯t plan on this, but I¡¯ve come to realize we aren¡¯t in control of this as much as we think we are. This was somehow planned years before we knew each other by something far greater than us. Something we can¡¯t see, but only feel. If your husband had been faithful, had actually been a husband, then yes, I think we would be doing a bad thing, we¡¯d both be bad people, but this is about love, nothing less. You deserve that more than anyone because it means so much to you, otherwise I wouldn¡¯t exist in your life. This is about a higher being¡¯s plans, not ours. We just happened to run into our destiny at the same time.¡± ANYA: ¡°I hope we can be somewhat logical given the circumstances and see where it goes. I have to be a mom first and I can¡¯t break down now. I have to be there.¡± ME: ¡°I understand. Completely.¡± ANYA: ¡°I don¡¯t know much. I can¡¯t promise much but my love right now. If u will still have me this way without any promises I am willing to try again to c where it goes.¡± I didn¡¯t expect a promise from her right now because it simply was not the right time, and I trusted she loved me enough to promise me when the time was right based on her promise to me when we decided to see each other. She couldn¡¯t live without me as much as I couldn¡¯t live without her, and when I could disclose my partnership promotion next year to her when it became official, that was when I expected her promise. Even though I deserved a promise now because she told me if she fell in love with me, she would be with me, the time was not right. I had to at least pass the test of the summer, and I owed that to her. If she truly loved me, and I believed she did, the promise would come naturally. She needed to be there for her kids and I realized what I shared with her about my feelings incapacitated her. She didn¡¯t want to appear to be sad in front of them and she couldn¡¯t. She had to be there. She had to be a mom first. If I let her do that, again, the promise would come. I just couldn''t tell at times if she was being a wife too and needed her to unblur that perception for me. ME: ¡°I believe a promise will eventually come when the time is right. I trust you. I¡¯ll be more mindful of your emotions at home. I don¡¯t want us to take a break. I¡¯m sorry.¡± ANYA: ¡°It¡¯s ok. I can understand your frustrations. I can tell u this, no matter what happens I have no regrets. Still glad I met you! In the past 7 months I¡¯ve loved, felt, and grown like never before. U made my life full of color and I¡¯ve enjoyed every moment with you. Hope for many more moments!¡± ME: ¡°Thank you babe. You¡¯ve done the same for me. I think there are going to be many more moments for us.¡± ANYA: ¡°Hope so. I love you.¡± ME: ¡°I love you too.¡± I saw where her fear came from. It came from emotions she feared to feel for me around her kids. Why the summer would be ¡°interesting¡± for her. The last thing I wanted was for my feelings to interfere with her duties of being a mother. Next year could be different but this year, I had to be cool, calm and collected. I could not make things difficult on her there with my emotions. Next June, I had a right to feel differently but not now. I really didn¡¯t know what I had gotten myself into, and I began to worry. I knew nothing about the ballet scene nor any of the stories performed. I was completely ballet illiterate, but thankfully, Anya helped to make me feel at ease during the week. 3:22 p.m. ¡°I only help out during the annual recital. Once a dancer is invited to be on a competing team the moms are obligated to help out. We have to manage 750 dancers backstage.¡± ME: ¡°Are you kidding me? 750 dancers? How is that possible?¡± ANYA: ¡°We¡¯re only responsible for our dancers and group. I also have to volunteer all year for other shows and comps. I will be selling t-shirts before the show, obligatory. So u may see me behind the t-shirt booth before the show! I can¡¯t talk to u. I know a lot of people at the theater and ¡°moms¡± talk. Sorry.¡± ME: ¡°There you go, denying my existence again! I¡¯m just kidding babe! Thought I would poke fun at myself. I understand. You know how I feel about that and respect it. I don¡¯t expect to see or talk to you at all, so don¡¯t worry. I don¡¯t know how you do it all. Do I need to work on my ballet lingo so I can strike up some conversation?¡± ANYA: ¡°I could never deny your existence! U caught my eye the first night and it hasn¡¯t changed! Ballet lingo? What¡¯s that? I don¡¯t speak ballet!¡± It would¡¯ve been nice to see her, to be able to talk to her for a little bit, but I understood it wouldn¡¯t be possible, and even if it was I¡¯d be fearful doing so. I didn¡¯t want to compromise her reputation in front of the other mothers or anyone else at the theater. When Thursday arrived, the day before the night of the first show, she sent me a text that afternoon to test my ballet attendance resolve and to see if I could handle the fa?ade first hand as fear invaded her consciousness. 12:04 p.m. ¡°Hi! How r u? I want to make sure ur really ok with going on Sat night. I don¡¯t know if it would be too hard on you to see Katie plus I can¡¯t say anything to you that nite.¡± ME: ¡°I¡¯ll be fine, Sweetheart. I¡¯m looking forward to it.¡± ANYA: ¡°Ok.¡± Not thirty minutes later, she sent me a text to challenge my assurance. 12:32 p.m. ¡°OMG! I¡¯m so sorry about this! I just got word that our opponent team dropped out of the tournament and that we¡¯ve been awarded the victory via forfeit!¡± ME: ¡°Sorry to hear that! Does this mean there won¡¯t be a show on Sat night?¡± ANYA: ¡°No, this means Andrew and his Dad will be there on Saturday night. I think this would be too hard and risky. I¡¯m sooo sorry! What do u think? Please don¡¯t hate me!¡± ME: ¡°If it¡¯s too hard on you babe to have me there, I understand. I don¡¯t think they know me or what I look like, right? ANYA: ¡°I meant it would be too hard on u if you saw them. Of course they don¡¯t know u!¡± ME: ¡°Would you be interacting with your husband at all?¡± ANYA: ¡°Interaction? No, the All-Star game got cancelled so he can go to the show now. Ur take?¡± ME: ¡°Maybe it would hurt me if I saw you all interacting with each other. Maybe it¡¯s something I should think about and consider now.¡± ANYA: ¡°I understand although there will be very minimal if any interaction.¡± ME: ¡°How are we seated? Are we near each other?¡± ANYA: ¡°U wouldn¡¯t be seated near them.¡± ME: ¡°I should be okay babe.¡± ANYA: ¡°R u sure?¡± ME: ¡°I¡¯ll be fine.¡± ANYA: ¡°I think if u entered before 7:30 and left right away plus not looking for any interaction it would be fine. I¡¯ll be working the entire time. I¡¯ll be working from noon until just before midnight. I¡¯ll look beat up by 7:30 I¡¯m sure! U can glance over at the t-shirt station as u walk in if u want!¡± ME: ¡°Let me ask you this, since we both feel the same for each other. Will you be okay knowing I¡¯m there and you can¡¯t see me too?¡± ANYA: ¡°Yes, I¡¯ll be fine. I just want to get through this weekend! I better get back to rehearsal! Xoxo!¡± When I first received her text, it sounded like she didn¡¯t want me there, and she regretted her invitation to me. I began to feel like some kind of creep because I agreed to go rather than a man who wanted to show his support for the woman he loved. I didn¡¯t feel awkward at all about going until after I received these series of texts, but I also understood where she stood. I broke down on her the other night, it affected her, and she couldn¡¯t afford me to do so now at an event she had to be ¡°on¡± for. At the end of our textchange however, I felt secure she wanted me there, but I still felt weird about it simply because Katie had no idea who I was. On the surface, Katie¡¯s mother invited a stranger to watch her perform, but the truth was, I was only a stranger to Katie, a person who knew and genuinely cared about Katie¡¯s mother more than her own father did. When I thought of my attendance in that way, I no longer felt strange about it, and just saddened the man her mother loved more than life itself didn¡¯t truly know Katie. After I thought about everything, I realized all Anya tried to do was put herself in my shoes. How would she feel if I asked her to see my daughter perform in our situation? Anya¡¯s empathetic ways helped mesh and strengthen us. Without her empathy, there was no way we would survive as she knew my being an empath was the reason we discovered our love for each other. It always changed the game for me whenever the empathetic side of Anya, the one unburdened by the hassles of her hectic family life, made an appearance as I always felt secure it would eventually show even under the most stressful conditions. 8:32 p.m. ¡°Still working baby?¡± ME: ¡°Hi babe. Yes. It¡¯s a long night for me. What r u up to?¡± ANYA: ¡°Driving Katie to a sleepover. R u ok?¡± ME: ¡°I¡¯m fine, Sweetheart. R u ok?¡± ANYA: ¡°I miss our closeness.¡± ME: ¡°I miss it too. I think it¡¯s why I lost my cool. It just overtakes me, sometimes.¡± ANYA: ¡°I really miss u babe.¡± ME: ¡°I really miss u too. That¡¯s why I didn¡¯t need a break. Even though I can¡¯t see you on Sat night. To know you¡¯re in the same building as I am, helps me feel better.¡± ANYA: ¡°I¡¯ll take u in any form.¡± ME: ¡°I was just thinking about the time I saw you when I first walked into Republique our first night in Laguna Beach. I loved the blouse you wore that night. You leveled me that night. I had never felt so much love for someone before the minute I saw you. Do u still have it? I know Debbie accidentally spilled wine on it in Palm Springs.¡± ANYA: ¡°Yes, babe. Maybe I should put it on. I ordered another one b/c of u.¡± ME: ¡°You look beautiful in everything, but I really loved you in that blouse. I think you should put it on. Did u really buy another one?¡± ANYA: ¡°Yes, really. I have two now. U thought I looked beautiful so I bought another. The first one has a faint stain from the girls night out.¡± ME: ¡°I look forward to seeing you in it again.¡± ANYA: ¡°I look forward to wearing it again for you. I love you. I miss you.¡± ME: ¡°You¡¯re such a good person babe. You have the most beautiful thoughts. Don¡¯t ever doubt all the beauty in you. I love you. I miss you too.¡± ANYA: ¡°Thank you. I can¡¯t wait to be in your arms again. I think I¡¯m going to turn in early. I¡¯m drained. Goodnight Love. I love you forever.¡± ME: ¡°Sweet dreams Beautiful. I love you forever.¡± This was the real Anya; the one I knew and fell so hard for. This text series alone helped me to truly believe a promise would come my way from her one day as this was the side of her she could never deny and I could never forget to acknowledge. Whenever she contacted me in this manner, there was zero doubt because her love for me was beyond a doubt. I just needed to somehow calm the storm inside of me and to ride it out when things got hard. When I told Anya I was a ¡°big boy¡± I meant it. My pain was on me, as I believed her love was too real to ever abandon me because she knew love now. She knew she needed it, and this was all the proof I needed. The truth only I knew that her children, friends and family did not know; her true self only exposed to me. The next morning, she text me earlier than usual. 5:32 a.m. ¡°I love you.¡± ME: ¡°What a perfect start to my morning. I love you too, babe.¡± ANYA: ¡°I love you forever!¡± ME: ¡°I love you forever! Did u get a good night¡¯s rest for the big day?¡± ANYA: ¡°Yes, I did. This dance thing is draining plus my work and everyday responsibilities!¡± ME: ¡°There isn¡¯t a day that goes by that you don¡¯t astonish me. Just please take it easy. Things will get done, babe.¡± ANYA: ¡°Do u have the 4th off? If not can u have lunch? I would like to c u. I leave for NY on the 10th w/Katie.¡± ME: ¡°I better have the 4th of July off or I¡¯m quitting this job! I would love to c u too babe so just let me know what time works best for you.¡± ANYA: ¡°Ok good! I have to run! Tennis for Andrew and have to work before the recital call time! I love you! Let me know if you have any questions about tom nite!¡± I really didn¡¯t know how she did it all. The more I saw how busy she was though, the more I fought to not let my feelings get in the way of her only true happiness in life. It was more than clear she needed our love, and she truly needed me. I truly believed without me or us in her life, the stress would one day devour her regardless of how many half marathons she ran and how well she ate. With this knowledge, I refused to let her go down that road. Later that morning, she sent me a text that provided more evidence of what I had now become cognizant about. 11:03 a.m. ¡°Hi. July 4th is Andrew¡¯s B-day and now I don¡¯t think I can get away. Just picked him up and he has a list of things he would like to do.¡± ME: ¡°I can¡¯t believe I have to play second fiddle to your son now! Just kidding babe! Of course, no worries!¡± ANYA: ¡°Ha! I love u! R u at your Irvine office all day Thursday? Can u get away to meet me on Thursday? Sorry for the inconvenience.¡± ME: ¡°Of course. No inconvenience whatsoever. I want to see you too. I had no idea it was your son¡¯s birthday. Surprised you were able to make any plans on that day. Thanks for trying, though.¡± ANYA: ¡°Well his birthday party is two weeks after so I thought he was ok w/just hanging around in the morning. Guess not¡­how silly of me!¡± ME: ¡°You silly girl. Thanks for letting me know. Can¡¯t wait for Thursday!¡± ANYA: ¡°Me too! I miss us. Well, on my way to the performing arts center. What time are you heading home tonight?¡± ME: ¡°I¡¯m out of here at six tonight. I miss us too. Have a great night. I¡¯m sure everything will go well. I love u.¡± ANYA: ¡°Thank u. I love u too.¡± She told me the other night ¡°I love you more than u know¡± but those were just words, but they were truly significant as her texts represented the consistency I sought; the truth behind her words now evident. For her to try and make plans to see me on her son¡¯s birthday, of all days, was the ¡°and¡± statement I fought for her to recognize when it came to us and her children. Not only was she willing to ¡°try¡± again, but she also tried to understand how I felt without a single word uttered. She acknowledged my pain, and that¡¯s exactly what love did; she truly felt my pain too, and when I sensed that I felt safe enough to fall even deeper. As her day trudged on, even at a time I surely never expected to hear from her because it was the opening night of her daughter¡¯s dance recital, her consistent show of love continued. 6:00 p.m. ¡°Have a safe drive home! Xoxo!¡± It was so subtle, no one, not even myself saw it coming even at a point when her love for me was like an elephant who tried to hide behind a pole. She asked me earlier what time I left work because she wanted to show me she loved me more than I knew as her love now found ways to not only penetrate my heart, but my entire soul. If our love was a garden she not only maintained it but performed major landscaping, and it had never looked more beautiful. Later that evening, she surprised me one last time. 10:14 p.m. ¡°Hi! Emotional nite. The show is approximately 3 hrs. You¡¯ll see all levels of dancers. All dancers from the studio get to perform to be fair. You¡¯ll be able to pick out the beginners from the advanced dancers. They try to mix them up. Can get boring. They pass out programs as you walk in. Have I scared u off yet?¡± ME: ¡°Ha! Never! Thanks for all the info babe. You must be exhausted. How did Katie do?¡± ANYA: ¡°Katie is doing well. She did well as Coppelia! Almost leaving. Goodnight! Miss u, love u!¡± ME: ¡°Goodnight! Miss u, love u too!¡± On the day of the recital, I wasn¡¯t sure how to feel. I was really excited about it; the woman I loved more than life itself wanted me to be a part of her daughter¡¯s special day, and here lied my opportunity to show her I was all in and it was us ¡°and¡± the kids. To show her they were a bonus package and not baggage in any way shape or form. That her kids were a part of the equation that equaled my love for her. However, I felt awkward as well because there would be a stranger to Katie at her performance who came to see her on stage in particularly. What got me past this discomfort was the undeniable fact Anya¡¯s gesture represented the ultimate sense of trust in me as her love shone brighter than ever to match up with the ultimate show of disdain for her husband. I really didn¡¯t know how I would feel at the show. I didn¡¯t know if I would be affected when I saw Katie, or how I would feel if I saw her husband and Andrew, as I sensed Anya probably feared she could lose me to any negative emotions I felt. That it would all be too much for me, but as fear blinded her to reality she forgot one thing, I loved her dearly. Other than the fa?ade of her marriage, nothing was too much for me, but I couldn¡¯t blame her for being afraid to lose our closeness, something she wanted to know she missed terribly, because of a past with a man she trusted with her life who gave her the greatest sense of loss and devastated her soul. She realized as much as I did, a part of what connected us like a constellation, that love was a gift never to be taken for granted. I didn¡¯t know what her husband looked like as the only way I would know was if I saw him interacting with Anya before or after the show. I couldn¡¯t hate the man; he appeared to be a good father, but I also felt with his money it¡¯s easy to be a good father and even easier to hide behind the fa?ade of being a good husband. A vitriol consumed me whenever I thought about the things he did and said to Anya, things a husband should never say or do, things that led her to me. It really took an act of a higher power, someone who fell far short of being a decent human being let alone a decent husband, for me to even consider dating Anya. Not one time did I ever feel our relationship was about ¡°evening the score¡± because two wrongs didn¡¯t make a right. I rather believed this was the Universe coming to our aid to bring two people who were truly made for each other, both natural empaths, together; the way it was supposed to be. It was just my turn to get off the bench and come into the game, the Lou Gehrig moment of my life. For a man to cheat on his wife while she was pregnant, in the process wrecking another man¡¯s marriage, and then cheating on her again remorselessly even after that summoned the winds of change in my direction. No other man could understand her pain as much as I did because I also experienced it in another facet. I believed most women in her position at the time with no one to lean on would have stayed in that kind of emotionally abusive relationship, but I also thought most women who had fallen in love with another man after so much turmoil, would have left by now. My theory was simply this; there lurked something I didn¡¯t know, either about him or their marriage. I felt however, it was too late in the game to question her because my heart was in all the way, but at the same time I knew my nature to search for the truth in things would lead me to eventually learn what it was that kept her there. Why her closest friends who knew of our relationship, who supported it in some way, did not know the truth about him. Ten minutes before the show began, as I walked inside the performance arts center, people of all ages strode briskly by me, and it shocked me to see at least a couple thousand people stood just inside the theater¡¯s atrium. As I ventured further inside, I was handed a program and then detected a large t-shirt booth just twenty yards away from me. As I looked further, with my heart more than my eyes, the love of my life came into view as she held a cup of coffee and conversed with another mom behind the t-shirt stand. My eyes absorbed her for five seconds as time stood still, my missing both realized and pacified, before fear kicked in as I swiftly broke my gaze to begin my entry into the auditorium. Just before I whisked by the booth though, with our connection on full display, out of the corner of my eye I caught Anya turn around in my direction. To save her from exposure, I did not meet her eyes, but I could tell she got lost for a few seconds just like I did. As I walked inside to find my seat, it was impossible not to smile simply because it felt good to know she knew I was there; that my love for her extended past the safety of my apartment and the phone. When I found my seat, I noticed I was positioned right in the middle of the theater about fifteen rows from the stage. I then sat down and perused the program to refresh my memory what songs would be performed as the only ones I had heard before were ¡°Ballroom Blitz¡±, ¡°Stairway to Heaven¡± and probably the entire ¡°Michael Jackson mix¡±. The night before the show I also googled the story of ¡°Coppelia¡± as I learned it was actually a comic ballet that told the story of Dr. Coppelius who created a life size dancing doll, so life like, a boy, Franz, becomes infatuated with it even leaving his true heart¡¯s desire, Swanhilda, to deal with his sudden crush. I also read ¡°Coppelia¡± first appeared way back in the year eighteen seventy, and was the most performed ballet at that time. I thought it was a very cute story as I didn¡¯t know there were any comedic elements in ballet, but it made me quickly understand for Katie to land the role of Coppelia, the dance center thought very highly of her as a dancer, but I also knew through her mother she worked extremely hard on dancing after school nearly every evening, and if anyone deserved the role of Coppelia, Katie certainly did. The show started on time at seven-thirty as the first two songs were performed by a group of very young girls anywhere between three and five years of age, but when the third song ¡°Block it Out¡± came on, the group of female performers each looked at least ten to twelve years old and more experienced. I searched for Katie but it was difficult to tell the girls apart because they all wore the same red uniform, and had their hair pulled back. I began to resign to the fact, a half hour into the show I probably wouldn¡¯t be able to single out Katie until her Coppelia number, but right in my direct line of sight, as if a light shone down right on this particular performer, stood a girl dressed in red who, like her mother pointed out earlier this week, looked a lot like her. As Katie faced me with a smile on her face, a smile of great familiarity, one broke upon mine as well because I couldn¡¯t help but laugh at the resemblance. Katie looked so much like Anya, I thought it was Anya, and I almost felt tricked. As I watched her perform, I could quickly tell from her form, the degree of difficulty and the gracefulness she carried with such a professional demeanor, she was far more advanced than all the other dancers. For her to perform in front of at least what had to be ten thousand people, as if no one was here in the theater, left me breathlessly impressed. She shone in the spotlight so easily at just twelve years of age, it made me realize she exhibited more poise in this moment alone than I ever did and I had thirty-seven years worth of moments to choose from. As I continued to watch her dance, I began to feel a little creepy as it seemed her eyes were focused in my direction, almost as if she knew who I was. At times her gaze upon me seemed so focused, I had to look away because I felt like I betrayed her trust as I even snuck a few glances around me to see if anyone noticed I was the fish out of water. At the same time though, the look on her face appeared to be one of comfort, as if she expected me to be there, even happy that I was. An hour into the show though, and the more I watched her dance, the more I felt comfortable with her gazes as I realized it was just the manner in which she was taught to perform. As she executed her final number, her solo act as Coppelia, the craziest thing happened as I unexpectedly felt a great sense of pride, like she was my own daughter. I then fought back tears when I thought of how proud Anya must have felt at this very moment as she watched her own daughter perform in front of so many people flawlessly as they all laughed and cheered for her. I just had a deep appreciation for people who worked hard and to see Katie¡¯s hard work culminate into this great moment for her, for her parents, it was hard for me not to be affected by such a sense of fulfillment; a triumph I couldn¡¯t begin to explain, a missing element from my own life I got to experience through Anya. When she told me it was an emotional moment for her right after the first show, I never realized I¡¯d be overcome with the same feeling. Knowing all the driving around Anya did back and forth to the dance studio every night to make this wonderful moment a reality just hit home within me, as I truly felt the same sense of pride Anya did, and she wasn¡¯t even my daughter. When the show finished at ten, I vowed to find a way out of there without seeing any interaction between her husband and the kids like I promised her, but at ten sharp before I could even get out of my seat, Anya sent me a text. 10:00 p.m. ¡°Hi! R u still here?¡± ME: ¡°I¡¯m still here! Just letting this place empty out a little before I go.¡± ANYA: ¡°How r u? Thanks for coming!¡± ME: ¡°I¡¯m good! Thanks for inviting me! You should be so proud. Katie was great! Very impressive!¡± ANYA: ¡°Thank u!¡± ME: ¡°I picked her out pretty easily. She looks totally like you! I saw her for the first time in the song before ¡°Stairway to Heaven.¡±¡± ANYA: ¡°Really? Were you able to notice her in all of the numbers?¡± ME: ¡°In all of them after that song before ¡°Stairway to Heaven.¡±. Like you said, she looks just like you! Beautiful girl!¡± ANYA: ¡°Thank u! Have to go and help! Thanks again for coming baby! So sweet of u! Goodnight sweets! I love you!¡± ME: ¡°I enjoyed the show! Thanks again for inviting me and sending me tickets! Goodnight! I love you too!¡± Right after we stopped texting I could do nothing but smile as I put my phone back into my pocket. I noticed the place had emptied out considerably, but before exiting the theater I recognized someone who stood near the stage. It took me a just a few more seconds to realize this man in the suit and tie, was none other than Jackson Caiaphas. When I realized it was him, I felt inclined to say a quick hello to him, but I didn¡¯t want to break my promise to Anya I¡¯d leave the theater right when the show ended. As I began to walk away a bit torn, Debbie who was just two rows behind, called out to me. ¡°Hey!¡± she shouted. ¡°Landyn!¡± ¡°Oh hey, Debbie! I had no idea you were here. How are you?¡± ¡°I¡¯m good. How are you? Did you enjoy the show?¡± she asked. ¡°I sure did. Katie was terrific. She¡¯s really good.¡± I said. ¡°Wasn¡¯t she something else?¡± ¡°I was super impressed." ¡°Were you able to see Mrs. Caiaphas?¡± ¡°Pardon me?¡± I asked, unsure of what she asked me. ¡°Did you see Mrs. Caiaphas at all?¡± ¡°Mrs. Caiaphas?¡± I questioned. ¡°I don¡¯t even know who that¡­¡± ¡°You didn¡¯t?¡± she asked incredulously ¡°Not at all tonight?¡± Succumbing to the significance of her query, I slowly turned to the stage, witnessing the reason behind Jackson Caiaphas¡¯s appearance at Katie¡¯s recital¡ªwhy he wasn¡¯t at his son¡¯s All-Star game. ¡°My apologies, Debbie. Yes. Yes, I did.¡± I backtracked, holding in my disbelief and grief. ¡°I saw her behind the t-shirt booth before I walked in.¡± I then took one last glance toward the stage and there I saw the interaction, minimal, but at the same time, never more substantial.