《[untouchable]》 —==intro==— [author¡¯s note: there are two narrators, [Uppercase] and [lowercase]. [lowercase], seen here, likes to get a bit whimsical with grammar and prose, and has some nonstandard ideas on what the focus of the story should be. deal with it.] ¡ª==cookies==¡ª like any great epic, it begins with cookies. Bree: hurry up. there¡¯s a door. Bree is a young girl, probably 7 years old. of course, she has no way of knowing her actual age. no one in this House does. Ellis: yeah one sec, m¡¯girl. Ellis: DAMN you¡¯re fast. Ellis, he/him, is probably in his teen years. he scrambles after Bree, unbuttoned flannel flapping about. the long, narrow hallway is made of green bricks, with a ceiling that is an utterly flat shade of blue, so featureless that it could have been colored with the bucket tool on a drawing app. these two haven¡¯t been here before. Bree ceases running in front of a submarine-esque metal door. Bree: this one. Ellis: got it. let¡¯s check it up. Ellis catches up to Bree, stops to catch his breath, and places his ear against the cold, humming metal. using his ability, he listens in on what would happen if they crossed the threshold. Ellis: ¡­ Ellis: yeah, don¡¯t hear nothin. Ellis: we got a gurglin sound up in there. Ellis: that room¡¯ll prob¡¯ly eat us or somethin. Bree: ok. that door. Ellis: the big scary castle door? dawg¡­ Ellis: can¡¯t we do, like, that glass one? Ellis: i see myself a buncha shelves up in it. Bree: that one. Ellis: alright, alright. Ellis: ¡­ Ellis: buncha pancake mix. wanna chow up on some pancakes? Bree: i want cookies. Ellis: yeah, same. Ellis: what we came here for. Ellis pulls a ticking egg timer from his pocket and checks it. about 18 minutes remain until it rings. Ellis: k, we gotta be all headin back in like 5 minutes. Bree: ok. do the glass door. Ellis: got it, girl. Did you know this story is from Royal Road? Read the official version for free and support the author. Ellis starts toward the inviting sliding glass gateway. he takes one step before the panel explodes outward in a sparkling shower. a strange monster, a writhing, sinewy mass of equine and canine, erupts through the silica downpour and tackles Ellis. Ellis: OH SHIT! the thing¡¯s clawed hooves dig into Ellis¡¯s chest as it lowers its snarling, contradictory head toward the boy. as Ellis struggles, Bree slowly raises her finger, which glows green. she fires a bolt of emerald energy from the digit, which strikes the beast. the mutant tenses up and begins to shrivel and shrink, compressing down until it becomes a harmless cockroach. per the rules of Bree¡¯s ability,the monster will live eternally as an insect, unable to forget that it used to ba an unfeeling monster. i¡¯m sure it won¡¯t be long before it begins to miss its pseudolife. Bree: stand up. Bree: you¡¯re ok. Bree: you¡¯re not hurt. Ellis: yeah, i think i¡¯m good. Ellis climbs to his feet with a grunt. he¡¯s bleeding from a glass cut on the back of his hand, but this seems to be his only injury. it¡¯s not like these attacks aren¡¯t a daily occurrence. i shouldn¡¯t have dramatized it, because that¡¯s way out of character for me, and also, you don¡¯t care that much about all these monsters. the real juice is in the dialogue, of which there is tragically little in this moment. i¡¯ll do one more paragraph before we get to the Good Shit. Ellis: alright, i think we better up n head¡­ Ellis trails off as he eyes the scene through the broken glass door. we don¡¯t see ourselves a buncha shelves up in it. we see a massive warehouse full of aromatic, freshly baked cookies. i guess that the glass was throwing up some kind of illusion? just like i was when i claimed there would only be one more paragraph? to return to the topic, Bree and Ellis appear utterly transfixed by the haven of confections. slowly, they wander into the room. ¡ª==¡ª ¡ª==search==¡ª elsewhere in the House, in a room known to its inhabitants as Couch City, and egg timer rings. eleven children¡¯s activities are interrupted. Ben: oh shit. they¡¯re not back. Jen: the cookies aren¡¯t here? Jen: wait, that was bad, i think. Jen: they¡¯re ok, right? Leo: they said they wouldn¡¯t go super far. Luke: i believe Bree and Ellis are well. Luke: the two probably just got lost. Jen: oh, ok. Duff: my jaw has jackhammered its way through the floor. Duff: and impulsive, psychopathic child and a pushover teen boy, exploring a sentient, non-Euclidean house in search of a hypothetical room of cookies, Duff: lost? Luke: that was a very impressive sentence. Duff: thank you. Leo: um¡­ Criss! can you make a card to find them? Criss: oh, good idea. Criss: a¡¯ight, let¡¯s see. Criss: ''''''a card that flies through the air, leadin¡¯ us to Bree n¡¯ Ellis.'''''' Criss(he/him) reaches up the sleeve of his suit, where a magical card should be found, per his power. he retracts his hand a second later, still empty. Criss: shit. Malcom: that kind of makes sense though, because too easy. Malcom: the Old Man wouldn¡¯t like it. Amy(1): ''''''because too easy'''''' explains like everything in our lives. Callie: damn right it does. Luke: perhaps someone else could lead us to our friends. Luke¡¯s ability is ordering objects to do things, but only in an offhand, indirect manner. the paperclips his statement was addressed to remain stubbornly inert in his sweatpant pockets. Luke: okay. Luke: i can¡¯t order objects to find them, so we¡¯ll just have to search the House ourselves. Luke: let¡¯s split into four groups. ¡ª==¡ª ¡ª==WEB==¡ª meanwhile, Bree and Ellis have become ensnared in the web of a purple sheep with three long, spindly legs. Ellis thrashes in the sharp, abrasive webs, but only succeeds in adding to his previously small collection of bodily injuries. his flannel is in ribbons, or perhaps scarves. ''''''in ribbons'''''' is used a lot. Ellis¡¯s flannel is split like a cotton slinky. the sheep moos and clacks one of its beaks. there¡¯s a shiverish crinkling sound as it ambles toward the web on its leathery limbs. Bree: stop. Bree hangs utterly still. her face is blank, and he stares off through far room of the room. Bree: it hears you like a spider. Bree: it wants to kill you. Ellis: i know, girl, we gotta GIT! Ellis: you gotta kill it. Bree: no. Ellis: but m¡¯girl, we¡¯re up n fucked! Ellis: why not? Bree: bad word. the sheep stops at the base of the web stretching across the corner of the room. the room is full of shelves of cupcakes, which i guess means that the doer was throwing up TWO illusions. Ellis: sorry girl. Ellis: i¡¯m just losin¡ªi¡¯m just¡ª Ellis: i¡¯m freakin up in here! Ellis: you gotta kill it. Bree: no. Ellis: but¡ª bu¡ª WHY! Bree: it wants to kill us. Ellis: exactly! Ellis: it¡¯s tryna kill us down! Ellis: do you wanna up n get eaten? Bree: no. Ellis: then kill it! Bree: no. the sheep begins to ascend the web. —==l, l, d, v==— Luke: i¡¯ll admit i¡¯m a little worried for them. CLICK. a narrow scrapwood door opens in a marble room. a paperclip flies through the opening and returns to a teen boy¡¯s pocket. the boy¡¯s name is Luke, and he¡¯s wearing sweatpants, a t-shirt labeled MAZZON¡¯S BAR & GRILL, Nd a thoughtful expression. Luke: however, we are in a huge House that is actively trying to trick us. Luke: it¡¯s really only a matter of time before people start getting lost. Vera: ain¡¯t no one else been lost yet. Luke: no one¡¯s been lost, yet. Luke: there¡¯s a first time for everything. we¡¯ll probably see a few more cases of missing friends before we escape. Vera(they/them) is a teen wearing a v-neck and baggy pants. you couldn¡¯t care less about the physical descriptions of these kids here. there¡¯s two other boys in the group¡ª a teen named Duff and a 7ish year old named Leo. Vera: fun. Leo: that maybe won¡¯t be so hard. Duff: excuse my dissent, but i disagree. Leo: um, dissent? Duff: i¡¯ve been under the suspicion that out trials in this House will be more strenuous than we believe. Duff: that the Old Man is more of a prevaricating asshole than we thought, and he¡¯s been withholding the true extent of our strife here. Duff: that, essentially, everything will go to shit, and this search is the rendezvous at which everything waits for us to join it. Leo: what? Luke: nice play on words. Luke: i completely understand your worry. Luke: but there¡¯s nothing we can do about it. Luke: if things are about to go to shit, you have no choice but to follow. Luke: we¡¯ll shovel the shit when we get there. Leo: wow that was smart. Duff: indeed very sagacious. Luke: thanks. Leo: i hope Bree doesn¡¯t zap me again when we find her. Vera: oh that little shit betta not. Vera: there¡¯s STILL spidas comin outta that hole ya put in tha wall. Leo: i know! spiders are super¡ª Leo: super annoying. You might be reading a stolen copy. Visit Royal Road for the authentic version. Duff: insects and arachnids in totality repulse me. Duff: i¡¯d be flayed by the farming implement of Death himself before i allowed myself to be a victim of Bree¡¯s power. Leo: what¡¯s a farming implement? Leo: i thought death had a scythe. Duff: a scythe is a farming implement. Leo: like a hoe or, um¡­ a rake? Leo: or maybe a shovel? Vera: how do ya know watts hoe is? Leo: i don¡¯t know. Leo: maybe i read a bunch of books. Leo: but the Old Man made us so¡­ Leo: i don¡¯t know. Luke: i would guess that the Old Man gave us a small knowledge of the world when he created us. Luke: as well as our personalities and the qualities that make us people. Luke: it probably takes a lot of thought to create a complete human, and not just an emotionless puppet. Leo: oh. yeah that makes sense. Leo: it¡¯s, um, kind of¡­ Luke: uncomfortable? Leo: a little. Luke: i get it. everything we know is fabricated. it¡¯s weird. Luke: and the same person who fabricated our lives, wants to fabricate our future as well. Luke: do you want to follow the Old Man¡¯s Quest? Leo: um, no not really. Vera: i ain¡¯t going ta listen ta that prick. Duff: i would have to agree. Duff: your point? Luke: i suppose i¡¯m just saying that i don¡¯t want to allow others to control my life. Luke: i¡¯m really only thinking about this because the conversation made me think of one of Vera¡¯s poems, ''''''Old Man''''''. Vera: oh. Vera: so ya read it? Vera: and, ah, what pages? Luke: the ones you dogeared. Luke: i¡¯m sure that for each of the good poems you showed me, there¡¯s a dozen bad ones that you¡¯d rather not have me see. Luke: i overlooked those, ¡®cause a them¡¯s gotta have their secrets, right? Vera: ahhh yep. no shit. Vera: so ya liked em? Luke: yes. they were strong and well written. Luke: on that topic, i saw you writing while we were planning, Duff, Luke: what we¡¯re you writing? Duff: i keep a chronicle of the events that take place here. Duff: however, little emotional energy flows through this outlet. i plan to turn it into a diary, which i believe would be more mentally salubrious. Luke: i would like to read it later. Leo: me too! Leo: if we don¡¯t die. Duff: Leo, do you know what the word ''''''salubrious'''''' means? Leo: slobbery? Leo: wait no! Leo: loyal? Duff: no, you would not be able to read my diary. Leo: i¡¯m not dumb! Duff: no, you are not. Duff: in fact, i think that you are exceptionally observant. Duff: but you are not an obnoxious asshole who uses obscure words for fun. Leo: oh, ok. Luke: there¡¯s a cockroach on the floor. Duff: disgusting. Leo: Bree¡¯s here! —==c, j, a==— Criss: you good, Amy? Criss he/him is a teen. Amy(1): um, yeah¡­ Amy(1): i¡¯m fine. Amy, she/her, is also a teen. there are three Amies in the room, due to her superpower of randomized, nonconsensual time travel. Criss: is someone gonna die? Amy(1): ¡­ Criss: oh, right, can¡¯t answer those questions. Amy(1): oh, no. that¡¯s not it. Amy(1): i don¡¯t know what happened! Amy(1): or at least i didn¡¯t see it. Amy(2): we¡¯re all going to disappear! Amy(2): the Amies, i mean. Amy(2): we won¡¯t be back until just before we leave the House! Amy(3): wait really? Amy(3): not a SINGLE Amy? Amy(2): not that i know of! Amy(2): trust me, i¡¯ve been around for a LONG time. Amy(2): the book¡¯s almost full! Jen: you look old, kind of. Jen: um, older than the others. Amy(2): i am!! Amy(2): our whole journey lasts like 4 years! Amy(2): i¡¯ve been around for 5. Amy(1): wow, you¡¯re like a raisin! Amy(3): excuse me, miss. do you need a walker? Amy(2): yyyes please! Jen: um, how about some prune juice? Amy(2): pass it over! the Amies all start laughing. Jen, teen, he/him, smiles. Criss looks melancholy. Criss: so, uh¡­ Criss: we¡¯ll be questin¡¯ for like 4 more years? Amy(2): nnnot really. Amy(2): we do a lot of things, but not really any quests. Criss: i don¡¯t suppose we get to just vibe once we ditch the House? This story originates from a different website. Ensure the author gets the support they deserve by reading it there. Amy(3): no, sorry, Amy(1): the Quest and the Old Man and the King seem to follow wherever we go. Jen: um, who¡¯s the King? Jen: i don¡¯t think the Old Guy told us about them. Amy(1): oh. yyyeah. Amy(1): just¡­ just pretend i never brought him up. there¡¯d be a paradox and the universe would blow up if you mentioned him. Jen: ¡­oh, ok. Amy(3): wow. you¡¯re SUCH a loose cannon, Amy! Amy(2): just blowing up universes left and right! i¡¯m so disappointed. Amy(1): i¡¯m sorry! please forgive me, masters! Amy(1): eeeven though i¡¯m older than you. Amy(3): by like 6 pages. Amy(2) removes a book from her backpack. it¡¯s extremely thick and exhibits years of wear. Amy(2): wwwell, I¡¯M older than YOU by¡­ Amy(2): 467 pages. the book they keep mentioning is this thing that exists. i¡¯m sure you can figure out what it is over time. Amy(2): aaand as the elder here i order YOU to dissapear! Amy(1): vanishes, sent to another time. Criss: uhh i thought you just vanish randomly. Criss: how¡¯d you make m¡¯girl go leprechaun like that? Jen: um, i think she just maybe knows when they disappear from watching it happen a bunch? Amy(3): yyyes! exactly! Amy(3): like this! Amy(3) points at Amy(2): who poofs away. Amy(3): bye guys! Amy(3) poofs away. Jen: ¡­bye. Jen: i kind of like her. i think i¡¯ll miss her. Criss: yeah, same. Criss: i wonder what shit¡¯ll look like when she comes back, and we¡¯re all about to ditch. Jen: i feel like we¡¯ll all be fine. Jen: doesn¡¯t the Old Man want us to do a big Quest or something? Jen: if we all died i don¡¯t think it would work, probably. Criss: uhh¡­ yeah. Criss: although who even fuckin¡¯ knows with our Wise Benevolent Guide. Criss: maybe we¡¯re in some video game and this is his, like seventeenth try. Criss: us, i mean. we¡¯re his try. Jen: i don¡¯t really like that idea that much. Jen: i don¡¯t really want to be fake. Criss: yeah me neither, but what makes a guy/person fake? Criss: we got feelings, thoughts, relationships¡­ we¡¯re vibin¡¯. Criss: i don¡¯t give a shit if it¡¯s not real, cause i feel real. Criss: oh, and¡ªshit. Criss: Amy never told me what she was worryin¡¯ about. Jen: oh i forgot you asked that, i guess. Jen: i think she said that she didn¡¯t know what would happen. Jen: because she never was there. Jen: that would probably be pretty worrying. Criss: yeah¡­ yeah i guess. Criss: she gotta know SOMETHING, though. Criss: she¡¯s from the damn future. Criss: still, she¡­ Criss: what¡¯s that¡­? the two boys slow to stop in the green-bricked hallway they¡¯re in. Criss has been using playing cards to aid in his search in the same way that Luke was implied to be doing in the last moment. having their powers lead them one door at a time seems to be a loophole with their powers. anyway, the playing cards have led the duo to a broken glass door, through which wafts the scent of freshly baked cookies. the cookies are here, Jen. —==j, c, b, m==— Ben, teen, he/him, trips over a monster. Ben: CRAP! Ben Conveniently bumps into a glass vanity on the way to the floor, knocking a stone trinket over the edge, allowing Malcom(teen, he/him) to use his power to accelerate its descent and bullet its way through the monster¡¯s head, killing it, ending this really long sentence that has way, way too many commas,,,, i, should, stop, writing, it, now, Ben: ow¡­ Jax: are, um, you not hurt? Ben: ow. Callie: you¡¯re fine. hop on up, child. Malcom: you¡¯re a big baby. Ben: shut the fuck up. Ben climbs to his feet, groaning like an old man, a raisin in need of a walker. he brushes nonexistent dust off his person, complying with the trope. he starts toward a yellow plastic door embedded into the styrofoam wall. Ben: we¡¯re going through this door. Ben flips the door open and strides through. the others follow. Ben: why couldn¡¯t everyone walk in a big freaking group? Ben: Luke and Criss could just lead us right there with their cards and paperclips. Ben: or just one of them could i guess. Ben: instead i have to tumble and trip my way through these stupid absurd rooms, ''''''''Conveniently'''''''' finding the right stupid way to Bree and Ellis. Ben: if i¡¯d gotten lost with Bree, i¡¯d probably like fall through the floor after tripping or something and end up back in Couch City. Ben: which is a dumb name. Malcom: the ceiling of our room is like 20 feet in the air, though, Malcom: you¡¯d go splat on the floor. Ben: no, i wouldn¡¯t. The story has been stolen; if detected on Amazon, report the violation. Malcom: you¡¯re right, Malcom: you¡¯d just break every bone in your body. Ben: that¡¯s stupid. Malcom: yeah i agree. Malcom: stupid, kind of like YOU. Jax: um, that wasn¡¯t that strong. Jax, she/her, smiles slightly. both she and Callie(she/her) are teens. Ben: yeah that fucking sucked. Malcom: sure it did. i bet you¡¯re crying on the inside. Ben: i¡¯m not crying, i¡¯m cringing. Malcom: yeah, cringing from your¡­ Malcom: i don¡¯t know. i got nothing. Ben: well look at that, who¡¯s stupid now. Malcom: you. Ben: ¡­ Ben: shut up. Ben: no one likes your childish insults, and i¡¯m in the middle of leading your butts to find our missing friends, Ben: so i can do my job and get the shit beat out of me for the benefit of everyone else, Ben: man why can¡¯t have a cool power¡± Ben: or at least one that doesn¡¯t require me to get injured every 10 seconds. Jax: i¡ªi just go crazy with mine, it does no help. Jax: um, i mean it doesn¡¯t help. Callie: Ben, child, quit complainin¡¯! Callie: you¡¯ve got yourself a power that¡¯s good in a fight, don¡¯t you? Callie: don¡¯t go blabbin¡¯ about a dumb superpower when i turn invisible to no one but my friends and Jax just teleports to crazy town! Ben: ok sorry, Malcom: also the reason we don¡¯t travel in a big group¡ª Malcom: you already know this¡ª Malcom: is because of monsters. Malcom: whenever we¡¯re all together the monsters gang up on us to have an epic fight scene, Malcom: epic fight scenes are exhausting and no one likes them. Malcom: just like you. Callie: smooth. Ben: whatever. i don¡¯t even think i¡¯m going the right way. Jax: well, um, you are not really. Jax: but we¡¯ll end up with Ellis and Bree anyway. Ben: well no shit. i know that. Ben: it doesn¡¯t matter which way i go because i¡¯m going to get thrown by a door and blow through the wall and land right in front of Ellis and Bree. Ben: and then we¡¯ll just sit there and wait with them because i have no way of communicating with everyone else from far away, Ben: unlike Luke and Criss. Ben: which is another dumb thing about the plan. Ben: maybe if one of the others¡ª suddenly a section of the wall rockets outward and sends Ben flying into a cardboard door. Ben gets thrown by a wall and blows through the door and lands right in front of Ellis and Bree. he doesn¡¯t just sit there and wait with them because he sees a big scary sheep and screams and the others rush through the hole because screams of terror are an excellent way of communicating. and the hole closes and everyone¡¯s scared and; and; and; there¡¯s a boring [Uppercase] chapter and