ã€ŠWHAT HAPPENS TO THE HEARTã€‹


 THEN. I

    I should have seen it coming

    After all I knew the chart

    Just to look at her was trouble

    It was trouble from the start

    Sure we played a stunning couple

    But I never liked the part

    It ain''t pretty, it ain''t subtle

    What happens to the heart.

    (Leonard Cohen)

    Part I: As we break through the clouds

    THEN. I

    ¡°You ever think about the Priority Queues at the airport? What if, one day, everyone gets the Priority pass to get in early? Like ¨C everyone! And then you¡¯re left with no one waiting at the regular queue. They¡¯re all priority. So how do you prioritize? Is there really a point for it? You buy the pass but you need to wait with everyone. Maybe they let you in - first come, first served. Or maybe they move you in an alphabetical order. Or by the number of your seat. Wouldn¡¯t you feel ripped off? I would! I¡¯d like to get my money back. Move me to the regular queue. It¡¯s the exact damn thing. Or maybe you turn things around. If it¡¯s just a couple of regular queuers and the rest are priority - get the regulars in first, and then the priority queuers. That¡¯d be karma for being an arrogant prick trying to outplay the system. What¡¯s the point, anyway? They¡¯re all getting in the same damn plane, it¡¯s not leaving without you. You know what, I would never go for the pass.¡±

    I heard her say all that but I couldn¡¯t follow. Couldn¡¯t process. She noticed immediately:

    ¡°Where are you right now?¡±

    ¡°Huh?¡± Suddenly I was back.

    ¡°You were SO far away. You couldn¡¯t hear a word I said.¡±

    I blinked a couple of times. I looked back at her in confusion. She was smiling, staring at me lovingly, probably trying to identify any signs of intelligence on my face. That was Nat alright, always giving me the benefit of the doubt.

    ¡°Not THAT far away. I was following you along with your stories¡­from¡­eh¡­work!¡±

    ¡°Yeah, sure!¡±

    ¡°For real! Just ask me a question from what you just said.¡±

    ¡°Forget it, guy, we¡¯re not playing that game again. You¡¯re only going to get embarrassed. I win this one. No question what-so-ever!¡±

    ¡°Now that¡¯s just unfair,¡± I said, standing up from our breakfast table. She giggled. She was right, though. ¡°You eating that?¡± She nodded so I picked up her plate and dropped it in the sink

    I drifted off again, while I was slowly cleaning up the plates.

    ¡°So where were you?¡±

    To this day, I couldn¡¯t tell you what was going on with me that morning. It wasn¡¯t the sort of thing that I did regularly.

    ¡°God, you just did it again! My guy, is everything alright?¡±

    I tried to snap out of it:

    ¡°Everything¡¯s fine. I¡¯m just tired I guess¡­¡±

    ¡°Yeah, you are,¡± she smiled as she groped my butt. I threw her one of my flirty looks. She backed off, hands up:

    ¡°Down boy, we have work to do today. I just showered. You¡¯re not getting me in there again,¡± she nodded towards the bedroom.

    ¡°You have work to do. I¡¯m just tagging along,¡± I replied, biting my lip sensually (my word, not hers).

    She giggled and dashed from the room.

    Me and Nat. At that point we¡¯d been together for three years or so. We were happy, we were cool. We were in a comfortable zone. Happy home. Decent sex. Decent jobs. Fairly healthy. You know¡­just a couple of 30-something year olds trying their best to be happy.

    Mean people would jump to say that we were vanilla, basic, mundane. That would be so mean. We were so much more than that. Or¡­you know what, screw that. Maybe we were vanilla and kind of boring but regardless, we were happy¡­and for that moment, it was enough.

    Shortly after, things would end up turning to complete and utter shit. But I¡¯m getting ahead of myself.

    We were happy. We had loved spending time together from day one. We still loved doing that. And we were always looking for new stuff to do together. Did we have our issues? For sure. We weren¡¯t aliens. We were, you know, vanilla. Just happy vanilla. Satisfied vanilla. Contented vanilla. We were ok.

    You¡¯re reading this and probably wondering: what¡¯s this guy about? There¡¯s definitely something there. He¡¯s so full of shit. They were not great. They were not even fine. He¡¯s cracking. Lies are coming out.

    The truth is I genuinely thought we were ok. Great, whatever. As I was doing those dishes, that¡¯s what I really believed. I also think, as Nat left the kitchen, (post groping my butt, may I remind you) that she was of the same opinion.

    But then this weird thing happened that turned everything upside down. Everything that we thought we knew about anything. This was not the kind of thing that all people go through at one point or another. Hell no. And I want to think that whatever it was, it would have shaken the foundation of any couple, regardless of how solid they might have been before.

    What I¡¯m trying to say is this: while the whole ordeal was unfortunate, kind of depressing and left both of us with a bitter taste, it still wasn¡¯t the be all end all of our lives. Living proof of that is you reading these lines: me being content and at peace with myself and being able to not only tell the story (as it happened) but also remembering and analyzing everything we went through. Not with regret and resentment but rather with an increased feeling of wisdom. And Nat? I think Nat¡¯s great too. As you¡¯re reading this, she¡¯s probably the happiest she¡¯s ever been. We¡¯re both at peace with it, I think.

    If you come across this story on Amazon, it''s taken without permission from the author. Report it.

    Yeah, I can already see you. I can almost hear you scoff. All you self-assured, smug people. You¡¯ve already started. You¡¯re judging me. Judging us. You think you¡¯re so cool, bragging with your double-digit years of loving relationships? And your kids? We could have had that too, you know. We were, maybe, very close to having that.

    There¡¯s another percentage of you that may feel like this is going the romantic dramedy direction. You¡¯re rolling your eyes thinking: here we go, I got tricked into reading what¡¯s basically a Woodie Allen film. You couldn¡¯t be more wrong. But I¡¯ve digressed enough. Back to the story.

    That morning. THAT morning. That god-awful morning, we were supposed to meet up with some girlfriends of Nat and help choose and transport some wedding paraphernalia. One of the girlfriends (I forget which and for the sake of the story it is irrelevant) was getting married in a couple of weeks (It was Marie! I¡¯m pretty sure it was Marie. Screw you and your wedding, Marie!).

    So that was the plan. Nat, as the good friend that she was, decided to form the female posse (her words, not mine) for this noble quest (that bitch, Marie, I never liked her. She never liked me either). I was tagging along because the whole premise sounded hilarious and it was such a good occasion to have a laugh and make fun of the whole thing... that I wouldn¡¯t miss it.

    Don¡¯t know if you know this about me, you may not, how can you(?), but I like to be quippy. I tell jokes. Great jokes. Funny jokes. You know¡­jokes! So, there we were¡­

    I washed the dishes, dressed up, fed the cat. Nat was just finishing up her make up. We were both ready. We got out of the house, got into the car and¡­

    ¡­and for the sake of the story I could exaggerate the next part. I could make it epic like¡­

    Just at that moment, the War started and explosions went off everywhere. As we got into the car, a chopper flew above us just moments before getting hit by a missile turning it into a burning fire demon that was crashing down on top of us.

    How does that sound? Sounds cool? Or maybe this one¡­

    As we left the house, a black cat crossed our path. We got into the car and the same cat, or a different cat crossed our path again. A deja-vu! Then a bald man dressed in leather, wearing round sunglasses approached and told us: ¡°Come with me down the rabbit hole, James!¡±

    You don¡¯t like that one? Too derivative? I thought so too¡­ Oh! Oh! Listen to this:

    As we approached the car, we could suddenly hear a hum. And slowly but surely, that hum turned into a choir, like in a church. We were kind of taken aback by the whole thing, wondering what¡¯s going on? Where¡¯s the music coming from? Was Christmas early this year?

    Then we saw this weird guy dressed in white walking towards us. He smiled and with a soft voice told us that it was time. And then¡­bam!

    You know, I¡¯m not there with you as you¡¯re reading this, but I have the strangest feeling that you¡¯re really not buying it. At all. Ok. Ok. I know what you want. You want it to be simple, awful, realistic. Gritty. Right? Yeah, ok. I¡¯ll give it to you, but know this. You¡¯re no fun.

    We got into the car. I backed out from our alleyway and then out of nowhere something big hit us hard. We spun out of control. Everything turned into a blur. And that¡¯s how it started.

    **

    I thought it would be a NO from the both of us. Well, in all fairness, when it came to me, it was a hard no. Jamie had always been more open and naively honest. Yes, I wasn¡¯t too surprised. I wouldn¡¯t have tried forbidding him, of course. It is his story just as much. But me doing it with him? Telling my side? I wasn¡¯t too excited about that prospect. I wasn¡¯t even willing.

    I didn¡¯t really see the appeal. It was painful enough to have lived through it at the time, why dig it up? Who¡¯s going to buy the story? Who¡¯s NOT going to call us crazy? Deranged? Unhinged? Or just full of shit? The whole story is like that.

    And yes, it really did happen. It¡¯s all true. We couldn¡¯t explain it at the time and years later, we still can¡¯t do it. But sure, I¡¯ll tell my side of it. Hopefully it will balance nicely with his version.

    So where do I start? I guess I have to go back to that morning. May, 12<sup>th</sup>. 2024. Late morning.

    We were having breakfast. I was just rambling about random stuff, nothing special. But halfway through I could see Jamie was out of it. He wasn¡¯t listening. I didn¡¯t mind. He did this from time to time. It was one of those things you learn to live with.

    The funny thing is that he would always argue with me saying that he was actually paying attention. He would dare me to quiz him on what I had just said. Some stuff he would guess, others would actually be dead wrong. Like not even close. But he was so cute and funny while doing it, that I couldn¡¯t resist. He would throw me that look of his, trying to be excessively delightful, with his messy hair. Yes, he was MY guy, you bet he was. It was just a fun thing we did. Needless to say, a fair number of these quizzes ended up in us having sex. Yes, he was a charmer like that. To be fair, he still is.

    As a predictable (but very lovable) male specimen, taking into consideration past experiences, he tried to pull me into his game again. And as adorable as he was, that morning we had other important things to do. I could see him pout, his lower lip pushed forward like a toddler¡¯s. Trying to make me feel guilty. I laughed and gave him a kiss on the cheek. Of course, he was very crafty that morning. As my lips came off his cheek, I could feel his hand softly squeezing my breast. Smooth!

    As he was doing the dishes, I tried resuming the conversation. He was far away.

    ¡°Babe, is everything alright?¡±

    He mumbled something about being tired, but I couldn¡¯t really discern it. That was my dear Jamie. I ruffled his hair and gave him another kiss. You¡¯re not going to believe it, but he was touching my breast again. Unbelievable.

    This is the second time I¡¯m mentioning the hair, right? Yeah, I bet. So, THE HAIR. When I first met him, the hair was kind of pissing me off. It was so messy and aesthetically-pleasing at the same time, that it made him look like such a douchebag. He really wasn¡¯t. Not even close. But it was just that first impression that hit me at the time. After we started dating, I grew to love it, of course. It is such an integral part of his personality; you have no idea. He would spend a fair amount of time making it look like that. So, it isn¡¯t as casual and unintentional as he might have you believe. He did mention the hair, already, didn¡¯t he? I¡¯m sure he did.

    Sorry, I drifted off into a rant. Where were we? Oh, yes! He was grabbing my breast. Again. What were his intentions? Take a guess.

    ¡°Down boy, we have work to do today. I just showered. You¡¯re not getting me in there again.¡±

    He bit his lower lip, trying to be sensual and goofy at the same time:

    ¡°You have work to do. I¡¯m just tagging along.¡±

    I laughed and got out of there. There¡¯s only so much a girl can resist.

    It was kind of true. Emily was getting married in two weeks. She needed help choosing a couple of girl stuff for the ceremony (something new, something blue, something to have an excuse to get out of the house) so she had asked myself and Marie to join. I thought Jamie could drive us there, hang out, help us with the baggage¡­you know, be the helpful boyfriend that I knew he was. I had to insist a bit but fortunately he never could resist my sweet and endearing cries for help.

    The girls were happy for the company as well. They liked him. Most people did. He was likeable like that. Between me and you? Back when she went through a phase, Marie offered to join myself and Jamie for a threesome. But don¡¯t tell him that. He would KILL me for having denied him that. I think he fancied Marie too, enough to go for it. But that¡¯s another story.

    As he was finishing the dishes, I put on some clothes and fed the cat. As she was tearing through her bowl of food, I called out at Jamie asking not feed her again (hopefully he had heard me). The sneaky thing would always beg for more. And Jamie, as the kinder, more merciful part of our duo, would always give up and comply.

    Now comes the hard part, right? How it happened. To be honest I have no idea. Actually, WE have no idea. I hope no one buys any of that Sci-Fi crap. I wonder what he¡¯ll say this time? The Matrix? Angels? Superheroes? Have you heard the one with the superheroes?

    The truth of the matter is that, to this day, we have no idea what happened. We got out of the house, locked the door. Said hello to the neighbors and walked to our car. We got into the car and then everything turned into a blur.

    I realize now that I never actually gave the reason, right? Why did I change my mind? It¡¯s hard to say. I guess in part it¡¯s because I never had the time to process what we lost that day. And I want this to be my memoir - of the life we had before. I am 100% happy with where I am today, and I honestly think that Jamie¡¯s good too. But later it dawned on me: it would be unfair not to acknowledge and mourn what we had lost. Denying it, trivializing it, making it seem inconsequential - it couldn¡¯t be farther from the truth. Because it really was a beautiful part of our existence that for some reason or another, got lost forever.

 NOW. I

    Him

    You weren¡¯t expecting HER to join me in telling the story, did you? I bet you were thinking it¡¯s going to be just my sappy story about how I can¡¯t move on. Well, I guess you could still say that. But it¡¯s also going to be kind of funny in places. And hella¡¯ crazy. In any case, I am really happy that Nat¡¯s part of this. As she should be. This was never just about me. It was about us.

    I woke up shivering, jumped from the bed panting like I had just ran a bunch of stairs. Last thing I recalled? What I mentioned before ¨C we were in the car and whatever had happened next, it spun us into a blur. And there I was, waking up, jumping from my bed.

    Ok. The craziness is starting. Here we go. I woke up in my old apartament. An apartament I hadn¡¯t been in for over ten years. What struck me at first was how similar it still was to how I used to decorate it. Down to my poster still hanging on the wall in the bedroom. But that didn¡¯t make any sense cause that poster should have been at my house. At the house that I now lived with Nat.

    Was I dreaming? For a good while I believed that I was. I got close to the mirror, trying to look at myself and to my horror I could see someone moving in the reflection. Had she been in the bed with me all that time? How the hell did we both get here? I decided to wake her up.

    As I turned around towards the bed, I screamed. I might have also peed my pants a bit. The girl in the bed was not Nat. No, it was Christine. My ex ¨C Christine. Now happily married and with a baby on the way ¨C Christine. My ex that I hadn¡¯t seen in at least three years ¨C Christine. What the fuck did I do? How did I get here with Christine?

    Christine lay in the bed, naked, sleeping and somehow unaware of my yell. I could start to feel my legs failing me. I was close to fainting. I stumbled my way towards the bathroom, turned on the water and tried to put my head under it. It was cold, it felt nice. But for each drop of pleasure, the dread of what was happening to me would flood back. I raised my head from the sink and my own reflection welcomed me from the mirror. Did I shave? When the fuck did I shave? I looked weird without a beard. Like a baby. Or, you know, a younger guy.

    I just couldn¡¯t process what was going on and I felt worse by the minute. I have no idea for how long I had stared in that mirror, but at some point, the light in the bathroom turned on. Christine entered, looking sleepy but unfazed like we weren¡¯t just in the craziest, most fucked up situation ever.

    She came up, gave me a kiss and then sat on the toilet, peeing.

    I lost my shit. I could barely utter the words:

    ¡°What are you doing?¡± I asked.

    ¡°Hm? Oh sorry, I thought you didn¡¯t mind this. I should have asked.¡±

    ¡°What, what ¨C what are we doing here?¡±

    ¡°I just couldn¡¯t hold it any longer. Just get out if I¡¯m grossing you out. We can jump in the shower later.¡±

    ¡°Jump in the ¨C¡° I was stuttering more and more.

    ¡°Hey, you ok?¡± she asked, suddenly paying a bit more attention to me.

    ¡°Am I ok? I¡¯m really not ok! Christine? What is this? What are we doing here?¡±

    ¡°What do you mean?¡±

    ¡°Why did we do this? Where¡¯s Paul?¡±

    ¡°Who¡¯s Paul?¡±

    Paul is her husband.

    ¡°You know - Paul, your husband?¡±

    ¡°My husb ¨C what??¡±

    ¡°Aw, shit. What¡¯s Nat going to say about all this?¡±

    ¡°Hey, who the fuck is Nat? And who¡¯s Paul?¡±

    ¡°She¡¯s going to be so mad,¡± I said quietly, to myself more than to Christine.

    She got up from the toilet, flushed and grabbed my face gently.

    ¡°Hey, are you ok? What¡¯s going on? Did you take something last night?¡±

    So, my history with drugs is like this: there¡¯s not much of a history. I¡¯ve never been much a weed guy and my interest in the harder stuff was even lower than that. I tried a bunch of things back when I was with Christine, but I never stuck with anything. She was a bit more open-minded on that sort of thing, but for as long as we had been together, she kind of respected my lack of interest by never over-indulging herself either. Unless¡­

    ¡°Did you drug me?¡±

    ¡°Excuse me?¡± she raised her voice.

    ¡°You heard me! Did you drug me? You always took shit like that. Did you give me some?¡±

    To be fair, that was entirely unfair to her. When she was younger, she did like to have a bit of fun, but she didn¡¯t have like¡­a problem with drugs. It was recreational. I shouldn¡¯t have said that. I didn¡¯t even believe it, but at that very moment, I was losing my mind.

    ¡°Fuck off, where¡¯s that coming from? I¡¯d never do that. I didn¡¯t take anything last night. We just had those beers.¡±

    ¡°Then how the hell did we end up in bed together?¡±

    ¡°What do you mean, how? We just came home and had sex, wh-¡°

    ¡°Just like that?¡± I raised my voice irritated.

    ¡°Ok, you¡¯re scaring me right now,¡± she said, taking two steps back.

    ¡°Where¡¯s Paul?

    ¡°I don¡¯t know who this Paul is!¡±

    ¡°Paul, your husband!¡±

    ¡°Ok, I¡¯m calling 911.¡± She exited the bathroom. I followed her:

    ¡°And put some clothes on you, it¡¯s unbecoming for a married woman to act like this!¡±

    She turned around and threw me the nastiest look I had ever seen from her. Not even when we had broken up did I get THAT.

    My stress levels were still up and I could feel my stomach churning. I kneeled by the toilet and puked everything I had.

    ¡°They¡¯re on their way,¡± Christine said, watching me from the door. She was now wearing a pair of panties. ¡°You sure you didn¡¯t take anything from anybody? Could your drink have been spiked? But that doesn¡¯t make sense, we shared pints multiple times.¡±

    I couldn¡¯t process what she was saying, I was stuck in my own questioning:

    ¡°Are you even supposed to be drinking? Aren¡¯t you expecting soon?¡±

    She burst into laughing.

    ¡°I don¡¯t know what you are on, but this is hilarious,¡± She posed smugly: ¡°Do I look like I¡¯m pregnant to you?¡±

    I raised my eyes from the toilet. Yeah, she still looked amazing. Fit, sexy, still working out, I bet. And then I noticed something.

    A case of theft: this story is not rightfully on Amazon; if you spot it, report the violation.

    ¡°Where¡¯s your tattoo?¡±

    ¡°Uhm¡­right here.¡± she replied, raising her wrist where she had some flower motifs done.

    ¡°No, I mean the other one. The cat.¡±

    As if I wasn¡¯t already severely messed up, I plunged into an even deeper despair as I noticed behind Christine the aforementioned cat. The cat, Jasper, was sitting there, looking at me with curious eyes. Jasper the cat had died while I was still with Christine. In his honor, Christine decided to get a cat tattoo on her left-side ribs. The tattoo was definitely missing and for sure, there was good old Jasper.

    I tried to vomit again, but there was nothing left. Christine¡¯s phone rang and she went back into the room to talk.

    Trembling, I got up and I could feel the hair on my whole body raising as Jasper brushed his tail by my foot. Then I noticed my old tablet on the laundry basket. I reached out and pressed a button. The UI lighted up, with the date staring back at me:

    Saturday, May the 12<sup>th</sup>. 2012.

    I blacked out.

    I woke up with the lantern in my eyes, as one paramedic was calling out my name while another was bandaging my head.

    ¡°You ok there, James?¡±

    ¡°Totally. Just waking up from a nap.¡±

    ¡°Do you know where you are?¡±

    ¡°Yes. But I wish I didn¡¯t.¡±

    Please let it be a dream.

    ¡°I need to hear you say it, bud.¡±

    ¡°I¡¯m in my apartment.¡±

    Shit!

    ¡°That¡¯s right! And¡­¡±

    ¡°¡­and Christine¡¯s here, right?¡±

    ¡°Yes, she is! Good job!¡±

    Aw, fuck! It¡¯s not a dream.

    ¡°So what happened, James? Felt dizzy?

    ¡°I think the beer I had last night did not agree with me.¡±

    ¡°Really?¡± he asked surprised.

    At that point I figured that Christine had probably told them everything that had happened that morning. Me freaking out, making no sense, saying weird things. I figured I play nice and act like nothing had happened. I wasn¡¯t sure what was going on anyways, but for sure I wouldn¡¯t have been able to figure out much if I ended up locked in a psych ward. So, I lied.

    If I come to think about it, I¡¯m a good liar. I¡¯ve never abused it, though. I¡¯ve always used it sparingly, responsibly ¨C like Spider-Man. At that moment, I¡¯m proud to report that it was the best of decisions.

    After thirty more minutes of checking me out, the paramedics decided I don¡¯t need to go to the hospital. The head wound didn¡¯t need any stitches and I was just dehydrated. They hooked me up with an energy drink and instructed Christine to give me some pills for the pain and keep me in bed if I get dizzy again.

    After they left, Christine sat by my side.

    ¡°Are you really ok?¡±

    I nodded in agreement.

    ¡°Do you remember the weird shit you were saying when you woke up?¡±

    ¡°Yeah, I do.¡±

    She sighed with relief.

    ¡°Where did all that come from?¡±

    ¡°I think I had a nightmare. Combined with my hangover I just¡­lost it.¡±

    ¡°I never knew you to get a hangover from two pints of beer.¡±

    ¡°I¡¯m getting old, Chris¡­¡±

    Addressing her as Chris instead of Christine seemed to relax her even more, almost to the point of where she was in the morning.

    She laughed as she gave me a kiss on the lips. It felt so weird. So foreign and invasive but at the same time ¨C so familiar. I responded to her kiss and I could feel her body sticking to me.

    What was going on in my head at that time? I was trying to convince myself that it had all been a bad dream and that this was really my reality. But as much as I wanted to believe that, in the back of my head were the full memories of my life of the past twelve years or so. I knew it was impossible that I had just dreamt and imagined so vividly twelve full years only to wake back up in 2012. But at that moment I was scared to go further and understand more. I just wanted to rest.

    The kiss continued. I slowly started to touch her with my hands, like rediscovering some old forgotten secret only I knew. After a while, I stopped:

    ¡°I¡¯m sorry, I don¡¯t think I can do this.¡± As I saw her expression changing, I added: ¡°Right now! I can¡¯t do this right now.¡±

    She smiled and slipped her hands into my pants.

    ¡°I don¡¯t think that¡¯s entirely accurate,¡± she replied as she slid down. ¡°Relax, James. Mommy¡¯s gonna make you feel all better.¡±

    My whole body froze. Like I couldn¡¯t say yes, but I couldn¡¯t say no either. It was so weird to be back with Christine while internally I could only visualize Nat.

    I let it happened. Afterwards, I felt guilty. Really fucking guilty. Man, it proved to be only the beginning in a series of events where guilt, sorrow and everything in between would drown my whole being, never to be the same again.

    **

    Her

    As you can imagine, I was confused. May 12th, 2012. I was still living with my parents. So, I ended up in my old bedroom. As I opened my eyes, I must have sat there for an hour, not even realizing anything was actually wrong.

    My parents had always been the kind of people that would leave their kid¡¯s room the same as it was, even years after the ¡®child¡¯ had moved from home. So in 2012 the room was extremely similar to how you would find it in 2024. As a result, the alarms in my head ran with a delay. Sure, it was weird to wake up at my parents¡¯ all of a sudden, but it was a safe space, from that state of confusion, at least I didn¡¯t wake up in panic ¨C like Jamie did. I was, perhaps, a bit luckier from that standpoint.

    Only when I heard the noise from outside did I actually figure something was off. I looked through the window and saw dad, working in the yard and my first thought was¡­huh, he¡¯s at it again.

    But then I jumped out of bed and looked again. Dad was still out there, working his carpentry. I burst into tears.

    My first instinct was to try and wake up. This was a dream, a bad dream. I didn¡¯t like dreaming about him, it always ended up making me sad and empty. But as I was feeling my way through the room, it was so vivid, so palpable, so natural, that I knew kind of immediately ¨C this was no dream.

    When I think about it now, I don¡¯t recall the whole way down but a couple of minutes later I found myself outside, looking at him ¨C silent, terrified to even call him out.

    There was no need. He turned around, all smiling, and greeted me:

    ¡°Good morning, kiddo!¡±

    I was shaking uncontrollably, trying to hold it in and not break down completely. He saw it immediately. He put down the tools and walked towards me.

    ¡°Is everything ok?¡± he asked.

    I just jumped into his arms, squeezing so hard, trying to convince myself that he was real. I buried my face into his neck, trying to take all in. His smell, the texture of his skin, the warmth of it as the sun gave him a slight tan. And I could feel his arms hugging me gently, trying to calm me down.

    ¡°Kiddo,¡± he said, after a couple more minutes. ¡°What¡¯s going on? Let me look at you.¡±

    I was crying my eyes out, not being able to process that whatever was happening, he was not going away. There he was, still. Dad.

    But as this carried on, I realized that I was freaking him out. He was now visibly concerned and was already looking to call out for mom.

    I wiped my tears using the sleeves of my pajamas. For a second, I cried in surprise. Those PJs had been out of use for at least ten years. But then I looked back at him, trying to gather my words:

    ¡°Sorry, I was just¡­happy to see you.¡±

    He smiled - a bit embarrassed for me:

    ¡°Just went to get some more wood for the garage.¡±

    I could feel tears pouring from the depths of my soul towards my eyes. I tried to speak quickly in order to make them go away:

    ¡°I¡¯m fine, daddy. I¡¯m just on my period, that¡¯s all.¡±

    I saw the color leave his cheeks. Now he was embarrassed for the both of us. Poor guy.

    ¡°Just fine!¡± I added before turning around and running back into the house. As I got in, I just bumped into mom and again startled, this time because of her appearance. She smiled in surprise. She was¡­well, younger. Simple as that. Her hair was still a rather bright red, her figure slenderer and her smile warmer.

    Again, I couldn¡¯t believe my eyes. I hugged her too and she responded in kind.

    ¡°Well look at you being all lovey-dovey today.¡±

    How strange, even her voice sounded younger.

    ¡°So, what¡¯s going on, Nat?¡± she asked.

    ¡°Nothing! I¡¯m on my period. Hormones are dancing, it¡¯s crazy!¡±

    ¡°Right¡­¡± she said, not really buying it.

    You can use the ¡®period¡¯ card on your dad. Not so much on your mom. Not my mom, anyways.

    ¡°This is not about any boy-trouble, is it?¡±

    She was now looking thoughtfully at me. I laughed.

    ¡°No, no boy-trouble. I don¡¯t think so.¡±

    But as I uttered those words, panic grabbed me. Jamie. What had happened with Jamie? To convince myself of what I was already aware of, I went to the TV in the living room. A song called ¡°Somebody that I used to know¡± was on, and sure enough, there was the date. Crazy!

    My thoughts were scrambling trying to make me prioritize something, anything. What on earth was I going to do? I went back to my room looking for my phone and for the third time that day, ended up in shock ¨C I was using a Windows Phone. I looked through my contacts.

    Then it dawned on me. It was 2012. I was 18 years old. Still in high school. On top of still being a kid, not really independent in any form or matter, I hadn¡¯t yet met some of my closest friends and neither did I know where my boyfriend is or, rather, was in 2012. And I had no idea how to get in touch with him.

    So, I hadn¡¯t been honest to mom that morning. There was a certain degree of boy-trouble (double-trouble, as it turned out) going on and despite the enormity of all that had happened and all the consequences and implications that came with it, my mind became invaded with just one single purpose ¨C to get back to Jamie. Or at the very least, assuming he was in the same situation as I was, get back with Jamie. Wherever he was.

 THEN. II

    Him

    We met at a party.

    It was one of those corporate things where you get everyone in the building to mingle in a casual spot, cross your fingers, clutch your butt cheeks, close your eyes and pray that chemistry is being created. That the team is building.

    I always imagined it like a progress bar. You throw the people in one place and see the bar filling up: 4%, 5%, 6%. Oh look, they¡¯re laughing! 25%! That guy from Finance went home with the girl from HR! 55%! Oh no, they had a fight afterwards - 53%!

    I wonder how you can reach absolute chemistry. Supreme team building. Do you just fill the party with booze and drugs and start an orgy? 125%! Oops, that¡¯s too much cocaine for you!

    In any case, we met at such a party. It also happened to be a pool party and you know what that means: people were being overly conscious of their bodies and everything was 65% more awkward (why am I throwing numbers all of a sudden?).

    She was at the pool bar with a couple of colleagues, looking amazing, of course. Kind of intimidatingly so. Up until then, I had never seen her before. But once you did lay your eyes on her, it was hard to look away. I ordered a drink and while I waited, I tried to make eye contact, see if I get a reaction.

    She noticed me from the start and as I kept staring (discreetly, of course), she spoke:

    ¡°Hi!¡±

    ¡°Hi!¡± I smiled.

    She caught me off guard. The plan, the moves, the lines, they were all work in progress. The progress was 0%. I had no idea where to start. She seemed ready to have a laugh on my behalf, enjoying the taunting as we went along.

    That¡¯s also the first time I experienced the look. She had such a way to look at me, that I felt my heart melting.

    ¡°What¡¯s going on?¡±

    ¡°Not much,¡± I replied. ¡°Getting a drink. You?¡±

    ¡°We¡­¡± she said waving by her colleagues ¡°¡­are planning out our team for the volleyball match.¡±

    Right, the highlight of that evening was going to be the water volleyball matches. People were starting to scramble to form teams and have a little tournament. The planning of it was going as well as you might imagine.

    ¡°That¡¯s cool¡± I replied. ¡°Need some firepower and agility into your team?¡± I asked as I jokingly flexed my biceps.

    Listen, I am no Captain America, but I can hold my own. I am not completely uncoordinated. She laughed; she was impressed. For sure!

    Another guy approached their small group, grabbed a shot from the bar and taunted them:

    ¡°Ready to rumble, Natalie?¡±

    ¡°You bet, Big-boy. See you out there!¡±

    Big-boy tried to brush his hand gently over her shoulders. Dick. I know that move. The ¡°I¡¯m being overly familiar so you feel comfortable with me¡± play. He was kind of bulky. You could tell he worked out at the gym. But you could also tell he was packing a few extra pounds. As the guy walked away, I tried to brag:

    ¡°I bet I can do better than that guy!¡±

    She looked back at me. For a moment there she seemed distracted, but I got her attention back:

    ¡°You can, huh? Don¡¯t be too cocky, now. There¡¯s a lot riding on this tournament. All the honor and glory in the world. And in the office.¡±

    I laughed. She was funny, she was cool. I won¡¯t go into her looks again; you get the idea. I didn¡¯t want to mess it up. She was something special. I wanted something special - I really did. I really wanted to get to know her better.

    ¡°How can I convince you, then?¡±

    ¡°Beat him tonight¡± she replied.

    ¡°Huh?

    ¡°During the match, help us win.¡±

    Oh!

    ¡°Oh! So, are you going to let him know that he¡¯s not part of the team anymore?¡±

    She laughed:

    ¡°He never was. He¡¯s playing for the other team. The one we¡¯re facing.¡±

    Well, duh!

    ¡°So, what do you think? Can you take him on?¡±

    ¡°I can!¡± I replied smiling.

    I had no idea whether I could take him on.

    ¡°Good! Then join us before the match. There¡¯s going to be a match plan on how we win this thing. Don¡¯t let me down, guy!¡±

    ¡°It¡¯s James, actually.¡±

    ¡°I know.¡±

    ¡°Yeah?¡±

    ¡°Yep.¡±

    I stared awkwardly. I had no idea what her name was. She saw me fret. She was enjoying it. She sat back, enjoying the awkward silence. I mentioned the look before, right? I could feel her eyes staring deep into my soul. Later it would become my favorite thing about her. It was always such a trip to look into those eyes and feel affection, desire, love. It was intense. But that night? That night those eyes were only checking me out, trying to see what I was made of, maybe having a laugh at me expense.

    One of her colleagues noticed it, decided to spare me the pain:

    ¡°It¡¯s Natalie. Big-boy just said her name. I¡¯m Blablabla and this is Wahnana.

    Needless to say, their names were neither Big-boy, Blablabla or Wahnana. I just¡­don¡¯t remember. I¡¯m not good with names.

    ¡°Oh, James¡± sighed Nat amused. ¡°Not a good show of mental agility. Hopefully the physical agility¡¯s better.

    She glanced at me in such a playful and flirty way that I suddenly grew the wish to sink deeper into the pool to hide my abs (or lack of). Then she winked. I took it as an encouragement. Adrenaline started pumping hard through my veins.

    ¡°It¡¯s way better.¡± I replied. ¡°You¡¯ll see!¡±

    ¡°Can¡¯t wait!¡±

    Ok. Fast forward a couple of hours (and tequila shots) later, I was joining the team for the final talk before we jumped in the water for the match.

    I don¡¯t know if it was the alcohol-levels in my blood rising, or the pushups I did in the bathroom to pump up my otherwise unremarkable musculature, but I was feeling good. Like things could happen. Big things! Great things!

    An older guy, also part of our team, started the talk and everyone else was listening. Except me, I couldn¡¯t take my eyes off Natalie. She noticed. Didn¡¯t seem to mind. She looked kind of amused of the whole situation.

    In the back of my head, I was only thinking one thing - don¡¯t mess it up, be serviceable. Be at least at her level. Don¡¯t make her regret taking you in.

    Yeah, funny thing. She¡¯s actually amazing at this whole water volleyball thing. Yeah. So¡­she kicked their asses almost by herself. I¡­did stuff too! After every point or so, we would huddle and shout random encouraging stuff at each other. They didn¡¯t really make sense but they made for some hilarious exchanges:

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    ¡°Nat, I see you flying over there, our little mermaid. Keep it up!¡±

    ¡°We got them, let¡¯s bring this home into our harbor.¡±

    ¡°They¡¯re running scared, people. I smell their fear in the water!¡±

    ¡°That¡¯s just pee, I think someone¡­¡±

    ¡°Imitate the action of the tiger. Smell the blood in the water!¡±

    ¡°Ok people, final point. We got this!¡±

    During the final exchange I managed to make one of my few saves, keeping the ball into play. Like an amazon goddess, Natalie jumped out of the water and smashed the ball towards the final point and towards our complete and utter victory. We celebrated the crap out of that win, hugging, laughing and boasting. Blablabla (it could also have been Wahnana) spanked Nat¡¯s butt in congratulation and I suddenly felt the need to do the same. However midway through the motion, I froze and because of the water and the others pushing me around I lost my balance and I ended up with my whole hand placed neatly and awkwardly over her posterior. And while the others couldn¡¯t see it, she could definitely feel it.

    She turned around, roughed my wet hair and asked half-seriously:

    ¡°Did you just feel my butt?¡±

    ¡°Erm¡­I¡­uh¡­did¡­not!¡±

    Her eyes grew with surprise.

    ¡°You know, unless you wanted it to, in which case¡­I totally did.¡±

    Her expression was so hard to read.

    ¡°Did not. Certainly, did not intend to.¡±

    She laughed:

    ¡°Ok, I think you had enough of my teasing for one night, James. Thanks for the help. We actually won this thing!¡±

    She kissed my cheek and went on to celebrate with her colleagues.

    ¡°It¡¯s Jamie, for you,¡± I whispered.

    And that was it. As I figured out that she was having a laugh with me and it was all in good fun, I decided to do it. And I asked her out. And the rest is, as they say, history.

    **

    Her

    We met during a smoking break, in front of the office building we were both working at the time. Spring of 2018, I think. We were both smoking at the time. I quit shortly after. He gave it up during the pandemic.

    He was with a bunch of his colleagues; they were planning to join a marching protest for whatever was going on at the time. I can¡¯t recall exactly. They asked me if I wanted to join.

    ¡°I have to stay in and work tonight.¡±

    ¡°Don¡¯t you believe in the message we¡¯re trying to convey?¡± he asked me quite enthused. ¡°They should not be getting away with this shit.¡±

    ¡°I do,¡± I replied.  ¡°I really do. I also strongly believe in paying my rent and having a place to stay. Hence my working late in the night this week, all week.¡± I smiled bitterly at him.

    He rolled his eyes and shrugged his shoulders. I half-expected him to tell something along the lines of ¡°This is how they get you. They trap you with no way of fighting back.¡± But he didn¡¯t. He didn¡¯t really pay much attention to me at that moment, he was very consumed by the topic and really wanted to get in the street and march.

    My first impression on him? Good looking. Confident, albeit a bit cocky. As I said before, the hair irked me. It looked too nice to actually be casually messy. He had a soft voice, pleasant to hear. That¡¯s all I can remember from that one time.

    I let them carry on their discussion. I shifted my attention to phone scrolling. After a couple of minutes, I heard one of them say:

    ¡°It¡¯s late, James. Let¡¯s go have lunch.¡±

    They all stubbed out their smokes and waved good bye. I responded in kind.

    And that was the first time I met him. Obviously, I didn¡¯t give it much thought at the time. He was just a guy.

    The pool party? Yes, that was¡­maybe a month later? The whole building had been invited so you had an interesting mix of people from all the companies sharing an office there. I¡¯m not going to lie - I was excited for this party. I had a rough couple of months at work back then so I was looking forward to just drink and relax for a bit. I had a few work buddies that I didn¡¯t mind hanging out with.

    I think the excitement started the morning before, when I tried out my bathing suit and checked it out in the mirror. Whether it was my gym/yoga routine showing or just my terrible eating (or lack of eating) habits kicking in, I looked GOOD! The sight of myself in the mirror made me feel mighty fine in the most superficial but nonetheless satisfying way possible.

    At work they were also saying something about volleyball in the pool. That sounded right up my alley. Yes, I was excited.

    So, there I was that day, together with my posse from work. There was Bob. He was our team lead. Quiet and polite guy, I really liked him. He was a bit older than the rest of us, he had a 15-year-old kid at home and a very sweet wife that I later had the chance to meet. Great people.

    Then there was myself, Ann and Clara ¨C the girls. We were somewhat close. I wouldn¡¯t call us friends ¨C friends. I hadn¡¯t spoken with any of them in years when the THING happened. But they were nice, we were getting along at work and as I said, I had no problem with having a day out with them.

    Last but not least, there was Charlie ¨C a 20-year-old that had just joined our team earlier that year after kicking some serious ass during their internship. They were so frighteningly smart and proficient in anything they did at work that sometimes I didn¡¯t know whether to like or hate them. And I mean it, they were such a force. Still are, actually. I think nowadays they have moved on to be an executive at a bigger firm.

    Charlie was smart but was not really the sporty type (they can¡¯t be all perfect, can¡¯t they?). Because of that, we found ourselves in the dilemma of who to recruit for our 6<sup>th</sup> team member.

    The debate grew more and more heated as time went by and drinks were being consumed. And then I saw him and I lost my mind. Nick.

    Ok, so the thing with Nick is¡­I dated Nick for two weeks and three days. I was the one to call it off. What more can I say?

    Nick worked in the office with us. First impressions: appealing. Interesting. Nice body. Kind of a big mouth (came with the body, I guess). He asked me out one time. I was feeling lonely, I said yes. It¡¯s a clich¨¦, I know. Long story short, he was too full of himself (too big of a mouth). Most men are, but Nick took it to a level that I didn¡¯t want to entertain. So, I called it off. He laughed at me, made it sound like it was his idea. We kept it civil afterwards but his reaction really pissed me off. Had me develop a vendetta against him. He was clueless but somehow went through life like that with no permanent consequences.

    I never told Jamie about Nick. Not that we would have had a problem with hearing it. I was just ashamed of having dated the guy and didn¡¯t want to admit it to myself, let alone anybody else.

    So, there was Nick, he approached us at the bar, said hi to everyone and then tried to give me a hug. I dodged. I may have been tipsy, but I was certainly not brainwashed.

    ¡°They just did the draws,¡± said Nick. ¡°Looks like ya¡¯ll playing us.¡±

    Ya¡¯ll¡­Pff! My jaw dropped. He was mocking us, thinking we were easy prey.

    ¡°Ready to rumble, Natalie?¡± he asked, throwing me one of his intense looks.

    I was SO pissed off. I smiled my largest smile:

    ¡°You bet, Nick. See you out there!¡±

    Bastard! He walked away as I prayed for a god to strike his ass from the heavens. No such luck. I heard Charlie resuming our debate on who to get for our final member:

    ¡°So, listen, I was thinking we get that girl from Facilities to join us. Rachel, right? She¡¯s nice!¡±

    ¡°Forget your skinny bimbo, Charlie!¡± I uttered out of nowhere, hammering the table with my fist.

    Bob choked with the drink he was sipping while Ann and Clara burst out laughing. Charlie was speechless. No, I don¡¯t usually talk like that. I was angry. And tipsy. And angry. See, I get angry just remembering the whole thing. Bob had to get up and go to the bathroom, he couldn¡¯t breathe. Charlie went with him, to make sure he¡¯s fine.

    ¡°We need someone who can bring us firepower and agility,¡± I snarled.

    ¡°That¡¯s cool!¡±

    Jamie was besides us at the bar, smiling and flexing his biceps (he was fooling around, I think):

    ¡°Firepower and agility ¨C I¡¯m your guy¡± he said.

    Whether it was my anger running high, the alcohol making me lose it for good, Ann and Clara almost falling from their chairs from laughter or all of the above ¨C I was sold. There he was, my knight in shining armor.

    I decided to tease him for a bit, see if he can take it. He could. We decided he was going to be our 6<sup>th</sup>.

    ¡°Don¡¯t let me down, guy!¡±

    ¡°It¡¯s James, actually.¡±

    ¡°I know.¡±

    ¡°Yeah?¡±

    ¡°Yep.¡±

    ¡°I¡¯m Ann, that¡¯s Clara and Natalie!¡±

    Ann had come down from her stool and started shaking his hand. He smiled:

    ¡°Nice to meet you, Ann. Clara! Uhm¡­¡±

    ¡°It¡¯s Natalie¡± I replied, laughing. ¡°Wow, James¡± I sighed. ¡°Not a good show of mental agility. Hopefully the physical agility¡¯s better.¡±

    ¡°It¡¯s way better.¡± he said. ¡°You¡¯ll see!¡±

    It wasn¡¯t. He was decent, better than Charlie but he wasn¡¯t joining the pro league any time soon. But it was enough to give us a chance. I ¨C on the other hand, played my ass off and we won. We had actually won.

    The look on Nick¡¯s face after the last point. Priceless! It made my day. It made my life.

    Someone put some champagne glasses in our hands and in a few minutes, I went from tipsy to drunk. I wasn¡¯t the only one. As we were hugging it out in celebration, I could feel Jamie¡¯s hand lingering a bit too long on my behind.

    ¡°Did you just feel my butt?¡± I asked, pretending to be upset.

    ¡°Erm¡­I¡­uh¡­did¡­not!¡±

    He was falling apart right before my eyes. I admit, I was having too much fun. I kept being serious and hard to read while he would not stop talking:

    ¡°You know, unless you wanted it to, in which case¡­I totally did. Did not. Certainly, did not intend to.¡±

    ¡°Ok, I think you had enough of my teasing for one night, James.¡±

    I gave him a hug and kissed him on the cheek. As I letting him go from the embrace, I could feel Ann literally jumping on him, wanting to get her share of celebrating. I didn¡¯t think much of it. I burst out laughing and went on to mingle with the others.

    Five minutes later, I couldn¡¯t see either of them.

    ¡°Hey, have you guys seen Ann?¡± I asked Clara.

    ¡°No idea.¡± she replied.

    ¡°Oh, I see her!¡± said Charlie, pointing across the pool from us.

    Ann was somehow still in Jamie¡¯s arms. They were making out.

    Bummer. Such a bummer!

    But I didn¡¯t let that ruin my night. I had vanquished my nemesis in true battle and I was really happy about it. Still, I couldn¡¯t help feel like something was missing. You defeat the dragon in battle, you should also get to keep the boy.

    The universe did seem to hear me. I found out later that Ann had gotten sick shortly after and threw up all over him. The very next week I received a friend request from him. We chatted for a while and then we started dating.

 NOW. II

    Him

    ¡°Who¡¯s Paul?¡±

    I looked back at Christine and resisted the urge to answer with: he¡¯s your husband. You meet in about five years, get married in three, visit the world for a while longer and then you are expecting a baby in early 2024.

    ¡°Just¡­someone from my nightmare,¡± I replied.

    ¡°And Nat? Same thing?¡± she asked.

    I nodded.

    ¡°You still don¡¯t want to talk about it? Your nightmare, I mean¡±

    ¡°It was just a silly dream, Chris. Nothing more to it.¡±

    ¡°Seemed very real to you for just a silly dream, just saying.¡±

    ¡°Nothing to worry about,¡± I said.

    It was Monday morning. Two days after I had woken up in 2012. I had spent the previous day in bed, trying to wrap my head around everything that was happening. I also spent the day trying to avoid Christine, who was just constantly looking for any excuse to have sex. Of course, we were in a relationship. I told myself bitterly that she had always been like that and not once, while we were together, did I ever complain about it. On the contrary. My fondest memories of her were the two of us in bed. Here she was, as per her usual, giving herself to me. I felt like such a hypocrite.

    ¡°Are you calling in sick, today?¡± she asked.

    I was. I had to think for a while where I was working and what my job actually was. The concussion didn¡¯t help either. My phone did. I had notes, text messages with colleagues, meetings scheduled in my calendar. All the memories came rushing back thereafter.

    I had a plan. There were a couple of things that I needed to check in order to really wrap my head around this whole situation. On Saturday I went to sleep praying and hoping that this was just a fucked-up dream and that I¡¯m going to wake up back home, right beside Nat. No such luck.

    While I was waiting for Christine to go to work, I kept scrolling my phone, amazed at how different it felt when compared to the one I had in 2024. It wasn¡¯t just the phone. Social media was so different as well. I had never realized that. I wasn¡¯t sure which one I preferred. Neither, if I¡¯m really being honest. Then it struck me. I typed Nat¡¯s name in Instagram. Got a couple of hits, but she wasn¡¯t among them. I opened Facebook (that was a doozy) and did the same. And there she was. I couldn¡¯t believe it. I could barely see the photo, but it was her, alright. I sent her a friend request.

    ¡°Gotta go, handsome!¡±

    Christine leaned on top of me and gave me a kiss. I tried to respond while also concealing what I was doing on the phone. As she got up, I could see it in her eyes. She was not buying it. She knew something was off. But that was a problem for another time.

    As she was leaving, I jumped from the bed, beginning to get dressed while also checking the phone from time to time. No reply just yet.

    I didn¡¯t remember her phone number, otherwise I would have tried calling immediately. What am I saying, I never knew it, let alone remember it. Who does nowadays?

    I went to my computer and opened the betting site I had accessed on Saturday night, while Christine was sleeping. I had checked any sporting events that I could bet on, trying to remember said events from my initial 2012. The French Open finals were taking place the next day and I betted on Nadal winning it. The match started on Sunday but had to be postponed and resumed on Monday, due to rain. I didn¡¯t remember that particular detail, but I did remember Nadal winning the tournament. So, there I was, checking whether I was right.

    Lo and behold, my betting account was sitting nicely with an extra 500$ attached. I was right. He had won. So did I.

    I wasn¡¯t entirely convinced. Nadal winning the French was great, but he usually did win that. What was this proving? I tried to remember other sporting results that had happened in 2012. More surprising ones. Basketball. NBA. Did Lebron win his first title in 2012? I was fairly sure he did. I checked the site. The playoffs were still under way. The Miami Heat were playing the semi-finals. They were tied at 1-1 with the Indiana Pacers. I betted on them winning the series and then the final. I also betted that Lebron¡¯s going to be named MVP on the finals.

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    I didn¡¯t have too much money in my bank account, but I went almost all in, just so I can prove it to myself that this, all this, was actually real. In any case, I wouldn¡¯t know for sure for another couple of weeks. So I had to wait.

    Went back to my phone, hoping for a reply from Nat. Nothing. I walked the apartament up and down, thinking on what to do next.

    One other thing I had managed to determine was that I didn¡¯t actually¡­you know¡­travel through time. I mean, I wasn¡¯t transported back in 2012 the same way I was at home. I had woken up in 2012 exactly as I was in 2012, physically speaking. No beard, a few pounds lighter, fewer grey hairs. I was, through and through, 24 years-old again. Only my memories from the last 12 years or so remained. I remembered everything. From how I broke up with Christine, the next jobs I had, how I met Nat, the pandemic, our house ¨C everything.

    I had to know whether she was in the same situation I was, or if I was on my own in all this. Did Natalie remember the past ten years? Did she remember me? Or was it just me that came back? The thought of it was dreadful. I felt alone, abandoned ¨C in a world that I kind of knew but in which I didn¡¯t really belong anymore. I spent the next several hours procrastinating.

    Then a notification popped off on my screen. Friend request accepted. I burst into tears, hands trembling, speaking to myself: oh god, oh god.

    The chat opened:

    Natalie Fisher: Hello

    Jamie Adams: Hi!

    NF: Jamie? Are you¡­

    JA: Yes!!!! Oh god, yes!!!

    NF: Oh my god. Oh my f-ing god ?(((

    JA: So you remember everything????

    NF: yeah

    JA: thank fuck, I was losing my mind.

    NF: Jamie, such a good idea to look me up on fbook

    JA: I know!!! =)))

    NF: Jamie, what¡¯s happening?

    JA: I don¡¯t know, babe. But we¡¯re going to fix this, right?

    NF: yes

    JA: together, yeah?

    NF: yeah

    JA: where are u, babe? I need to see u now!

    NF: I¡¯m at home

    JA: right, where¡¯s that?

    NF: at my parents

    JA: oh. Oh of course!

    NF: yeah

    JA: shit

    If I was 24, then Nat was now 18. In high school. Living at her parents¡¯. On the other side of the country.

    **

    Her

    That morning found me staring in the mirror for minutes at an end. It was surreal to look at myself at 18-years-old again. I looked so different. Younger, obviously, but also quite childlike like I hadn¡¯t yet reached womanhood. I felt out of place in my own skin.

    No matter how much I tried to, I couldn¡¯t remember his phone number. And even if I somehow could, I wasn¡¯t sure that he even had that number in 2012. I had no idea. I began scrolling through my contacts, looking for someone that was in my life at that time that could help me somehow get in touch with him.

    It went as well as you can imagine. My contacts were comprised of other high school colleagues, friends from town, relatives and teachers. I lingered for a bit over the name Theo, but then chose to move on. I gave up. The phone was useless. I threw it away and tried to come up with a new idea.

    Suddenly it rang. I had just received a Facebook notification and I lost my mind. How stupid can you actually get?

    I gave up social media during the pandemic. Completely. I just¡­couldn¡¯t do it anymore. It was just¡­too much of everything. It wasn¡¯t healthy, it wasn¡¯t productive, it wasn¡¯t anything good. It took a while to get it out of my system, but once it did, I never felt the need to go back. So, if you can imagine, my brain didn¡¯t for a second think at social media as a solution.

    But he did. He thought of it, my smart and beautiful boyfriend! I felt a rush of love and adrenaline invading me. There he was. Friend request from Jamie Adams. Before I could take a breath and do anything, the stupid thing died on me. No battery. I cursed out loud and fortunately got the confirmation that both my mom and dad were at work and couldn¡¯t hear their 18-year-old daughter speak that way.

    I looked for a charger. Like an addict, I grabbed it and with trembling hands I plugged it in. No power. You¡¯re kidding me. We had no power. I screamed and cursed again at the empty house. This actually happened quite often. The area I used to live in with my parents had a terrible electrical infrastructure, hence we also had a backup generator in the garage that you had to spin up manually.

    Say no more. I went down there and tried to start it up. No matter how hard I pulled that rope, it wouldn¡¯t start. I checked the tank. Yep, no gas. No gas canister either. Dad had been slacking. I was beginning to lose my mind. There was no car in the garage either. We only had the one, and dad used it to drive mom to work and then to get to his own job as well.

    My only shot was to go downtown on bike. I changed my clothes and did just that. I busted the door to the first coffee shop I came across, ordered something and then sat at a booth where I could plug in my phone. I could feel the scrutinizing looks of those already there. I bet they were thinking: teenagers, so dramatic all the time.

    It took fifteen minutes for the phone to charge and start. But then it did and I could finally accept the request and chat.

 NOW. III

    Him

    JA: can I call u?

    NF: (typing something)

    JA: Nat? can I call u?

    NF: not right now

    JA: ????

    NF: my phone is dead. I¡¯m charging in a coffee shop.

    JA: and?

    NF: and the cable¡¯s too short, I can¡¯t raise the phone higher¡­just¡­wait

    JA: what?

    NF: I h8 this thing

    JA: let¡¯s just talk, I wanna hear ur voice

    NF: babe, listen. Ill call you when ready, ok?

    JA: but

    NF: babe, promise

    JA: ok

    Half an hour later she called. I was taken aback by her voice. That was Nat alright but she sounded¡­small. She had the voice of a mouse.

    ¡°I can¡¯t believe you found me¡± she said.

    ¡°Course I did¡± I replied.

    ¡°God, I¡¯m so stupid, I completely forgot about freakin¡¯ Facebook¡± I cried.

    ¡°It¡¯s okay. We¡¯re ok now, right?¡±

    ¡°Are we? What the hell is going on, Jamie?¡±

    ¡°I don¡¯t¡­I don¡¯t know¡± I replied.

    ¡°Where are you?¡±

    I froze. All the guilt and dread from the weekend came back, culminating with the image of Christine¡­just being Christine.

    ¡°In town, in my old apartament¡± I replied.

    ¡°Of course,¡± she sighed. ¡°Can you come see me?¡±

    ¡°I think so¡­but babe, if this is real¡­¡±

    ¡°Yeah?¡±

    ¡°If this is real, it¡¯s going to be extremely weird for me to show up and your parents¡¯. They have no idea who I am. You should have no idea who I am.¡±

    ¡°Yeah, but I don¡¯t care. I want to see you. Please come. Look for a flight and come over!¡±

    ¡°Yeah, a flight¡­¡±

    Did I mention I was now broke? All my savings were now hanging by the fate of one Lebron James and the Miami Heat. And the resolution of that was a few weeks away.

    ¡°So?¡± she kept waiting for a confirmation.

    ¡°Ok, I will. Just¡­give me some time. It¡¯s kind of a tricky situation here¡±

    ¡°Yeah, no kidding! Jamie, I have a math exam coming up.¡±

    I laughed. Jokes still bounced flawlessly between us. Good!

    ¡°I guess there¡¯s no chance of you doing the trip instead?¡± I suggested.

    ¡°Hmm¡­let me see. I¡¯m 18, my final exams are closing in. Hey mom and dad, can I burrow some money in order to fly across the country and meet this guy you never heard of before? He¡¯s amazing, I promise. You¡¯ll like him too¡­in 10 years!¡±

    ¡°Fair point¡± I replied.

    ¡°C¡¯mon, how bad are you right now? You can¡¯t make it over here?¡±

    She was getting desperate.

    ¡°I can make it,¡± I said.

    I could hear her sobbing, slowly trying to hold the tears back.

    ¡°I love you¡­¡± she whispered.

    ¡°I love you too, Nat,¡± I replied. ¡°Just, hold on babe. I¡¯m coming¡±

    Well, that sounded dramatic and manly, didn¡¯t it? My 24-years-old self would have been proud. My real 24-years-old self. You know what I mean.

    There were a few options on the table, none too ideal. I started running through them:

    Ask Christine for some money. Suddenly I remembered that she used to keep a stash of cash at home in a book. Was it ¡®War and Peace¡¯? Yes, it was! The book she vowed to read but never actually got the courage to do it. Not during the time we were together, at least. I was suddenly staring at a couple thousands, right there for the taking. At the time Christine was the whole package. Hot, fun, smart and most remarkably ¨C financially independent.

    I was already feeling like a piece of shit for having had sex with her that weekend while thinking at Nat the whole time, but now to also steal her money? Should I just ask her? What would I say? Hey Chris, I need some money to fly to the other side of the country. Why? What do you mean, why? Because my actual girlfriend lives there and she¡¯s eighteen. Barely.

    I decided I had already been a piece of shit with Christine. I had to find another way.

    Who¡¯s next? Maybe Jon? I realize now that I never talked about Jon. There¡¯s a reason for that. And it¡¯s quite painful. But I¡¯ll get to that later. Jon was my best friend. My only real friend. I¡¯d say he was THE friend and the others were¡­acquaintances that I got along with.

    Here¡¯s the gist of it. If you ask Nat, I¡¯m the friendliest guy she knows. I¡¯m easy-going and people kind of¡­drift around me. They like my company (she kind of exaggerates it to a degree). That¡¯s great, right? It usually is, especially when you¡¯re younger. But there comes a time when you realize it¡¯s all superficial. There are entourages and there are friendships. When you figure that out, you begin to care more for the real friends. You begin to keep them closer and to realize that you actually don¡¯t care that much about the others. They don¡¯t care that much about you, either. Jon was different. We knew each other from high school and we grew together. We had each other¡¯s backs and I cared for him dearly. That said, it was 2012 and I realized that Jon was in the boat I was, moneywise. Also, I didn¡¯t trust myself not to tell him everything and make a fool of myself. That would be for another day.

    If you discover this narrative on Amazon, be aware that it has been stolen. Please report the violation.

    So, who else? This wasn¡¯t supposed to be so difficult. Without realizing it, I began patrolling the area near ¡®War and Peace¡¯ again.

    The real 24-year-old Jamie would not have hesitated to call anyone from his gang and get the money. Easy. But there I was, a 36-year-old trapped in the body of my younger self. All the looks but none of the simplicity I looked at life with back then. On top of all that, I was an emotional wreck, still dealing with this whole time-travel thing.

    Do I get to call it that? Time travel? Was is really that?

    In the end, I did the only thing that I could do. I grabbed my phone and made the call:

    ¡°Mom? Hi, how are you?¡±

    **

    Her

    One of my worst memories dates back from my final high school year. It left such an impression on me that every couple of years or so I would dream of that moment in nightmare form, all the awfulness amplified.

    So, what happened? In the final semester I took up an optional class in Psychoanalytic theory applied in literature. Good stuff. It was a no brainer, given that in college I ended up majoring in Psychology. The optional sounded fun on paper, but it had one big problem ¨C it was scheduled late in the afternoon at 6:00 PM while all my other classes ended by 5:00 PM. So, there was always a gap time there.

    You¡¯re thinking ¨C why not do something in that gap and then attend the class? I was doing something, or better said, someone. I mentioned Theo before, right? Theo was my gap hour activity and we were so much into one another that I¡¯d have trouble attending the classes altogether.

    You know how it is:

    ¡°Wanna hang out?¡±

    ¡°Sure!¡±

    ¡°Wanna make out?¡±

    ¡°Why not!¡±

    ¡°Let¡¯s go to my car!¡±

    ¡°Ok!¡±

    ¡°Oh, Jesus! What time is it?¡±

    Something like that. I missed the first two weeks of the course because of Theo. The third week, with enormous efforts, I managed to make it on time. Relieved, I took my place in the classroom, hoping to attend a nice lecture and make up for the previous two weeks.

    Professor Shepard had other plans. She had fixated on me the moment I said ¡°Present!¡± during the roll call. Once she was done with that, she bombarded me with questions from her first two lectures. I stood no chance. Not only that, but at the end of her tirade she ended with one painful remark:

    ¡°If you¡¯re not interested in what we¡¯re doing here, why sign up for the class, young lady? I¡¯m sure there can be other activities more in line with your interests.¡±

    She was staring at my neck. I had a hickey there and she was staring right at it. Or was she? Was it all in my mind? It was hard to tell at the time. In any case, I was devastated.

    I will never forget that day and how it made me feel. She¡¯d been nasty with me but I was more frustrated with myself for getting in that position to begin with. I really thought that I was smarter than to fall into such a trap. Why not ask for the materials beforehand, why not study before attending? Because I was in love, that¡¯s why. I really was interested in the course but at the same I was eighteen and dumb. Stupid hormones¡­

    You probably know where this is going. That day was May, the 15<sup>th</sup> 2012. One day after I had spoken with Jamie on the phone. I knew he was trying to get to me, but it was easier said than done. I could feel it in his voice. He had a money problem. He was probably hustling, trying to get around it. I decided, for the time being, to just follow my routine. Lay low. Fake it till I make it. I swear I was getting as stupider as I had been at eighteen.

    5:00 PM on May 15<sup>th</sup>, who do I bump into? Theo.

    I was so exhausted by that whole day until that moment - just trying to behave like there was nothing wrong with me. Meanwhile I was obsessively checking my phone for any calls or texts from Jamie while my mind was also desperately searching for an answer as to why this time-trav¡­phenomenon happened. Will it happen again? Can we reverse it? Can we control it, somehow? What happens if we change something? Didn¡¯t we already change things just by existing in this state?

    So, there I was, bumping into Theo.

    Let¡¯s talk about Theo. Theo was two years older. He had finished high school and decided to work his family¡¯s business. It was a small town, we knew each other since we were kids. We were friendly. Until the day I had a gap hour and he ran into me, suggested we hang out for a bit, only for me to ask him to show me his car¡¯s backseat thirty minutes later. Things got even friendlier from there.

    It had been so fun that we decided to make a habit of it. He¡¯d wait for me at the end of my classes and we¡¯d just hang out. Do other things too. We were not a couple per say. That would come up later. But that was how it started.

    He came so close to me that I got startled. I almost let out a scream as he grabbed me by the hips and kissed me.

    ¡°Where were you yesterday?¡± he asked.

    ¡°Sick. That time of month,¡± I answered nervously. He didn¡¯t seem to notice.

    ¡°Well, that¡¯s too bad. Feeling better now?¡± he asked as his hands kept caressing my back and his lips slowly touching my neck.

    ¡°Fine¡­¡± I said. His lips were getting insistent.

    I had a revelation and pushed him off. No hickey for me, today, thank you. He didn¡¯t seem to mind. He shrugged briefly and held my hand:

    ¡°Where do you want to go today?¡±

    ¡°Nowhere. I still have a class.¡±

    ¡°That¡¯s what you said last week,¡± he said, trying to come closer again.

    I smiled:

    ¡°But this time I mean it.¡±

    ¡°Oh yeah?¡±

    ¡°Yep.¡±

    I couldn¡¯t help thinking at how different he was from Jamie. It was so striking. Theo had no reaction, he remained serious. I had forgotten that about him. He could be intense.

    ¡°Wanna¡¯ meet up after your class, then?¡±

    His look was so penetrating that my feet started trembling like a teenager¡¯s (oh ha ha, very funny).

    ¡°I really need to get home later.¡±

    ¡°Ok, then I¡¯ll drive you home,¡± he replied.

    ¡°It¡¯s¡­a five-minute walk.¡±

    ¡°We¡¯ll take a small detour,¡± he concluded.

    The phone rang. Was it Jamie?

    ¡°Sorry, I really have to take this.¡±

    He took me in his arms again (he had some big arms) and kissed me firmly. I gave him a small caress on his cheek, trying to act ¡®normal¡¯. Then he strolled back to his car, slowly.

    Yes, it was weird. It was uncomfortable. First time around this discussion went way differently, believe me. I was shaken with a mix of emotions that I¡¯m really not able to put into words. Overwhelming. It was all too overwhelming.

    I checked the phone. Message from Jamie:

    ¡°On my way, see you tomorrow at your house.¡±

    I had hoped this would give me some relief, make me feel better.

    I felt worse. On top of everything that was going through my head, I was now feeling guilty.

    An alarm rang, calling me to class. When I stepped into the classroom, I realized what was going to happen. Professor Shepard was at her desk. We were going to have our first interaction again.

    It was just like in my dreams. She called my name. Fixated me with her dark eyes until the end of the roll call. Then she stood up and addressed me:

    ¡°Remind me, miss Fisher, you were not here for the first two lectures?¡±

    ¡°I was not¡­family iss-¡°

    ¡°That¡¯s fine. Please tell me your definition of psychoanalytical literary criticism.¡±

    I stood there, quiet, small and powerless. Reality is always harsher than nightmares, isn¡¯t it? But then you get to wake up in the end.

    ¡°Depends on the which psychoanalysts¡¯ school of thought you¡¯d like for the answer to adhere to¡± I replied.

    I could feel the air in the class getting colder. The others were paying attention. I took Professor Shepard by surprise.

    I have a major in Psychology. I have mentioned that, didn¡¯t I?

    ¡°So, which one would you like me to quote, Professor?¡± I asked. ¡°Freudian, Jungian? Should we talk about Horney, if we¡¯re feeling like it?¡±

    She was taken aback.

    I continued by slowly summarizing main ideas from Freud, Jung, Horney and Lacan. She was done. I was done.

    ¡°Thank you for that, miss Fisher. Since you¡¯re so knowledgeable, perhaps we can continue enjoying your answers for the rest of the course, what do you say?¡±

    ¡°I¡¯d be happy to,¡± I said.

    And that was how I killed my first dragon. I didn¡¯t know it then, but that was the moment in which I could find true meaning to what had happened to us. To me.

 THEN. III

    Him

    ¡°This is very cool!¡± I said. ¡°I bet it cost you a lot.¡±

    ¡°It would be fair to say that I¡¯m considerably less rich due to these acquisitions,¡± Nat replied with a touch of embarrassment. ¡°However, I don¡¯t regret a thing. I love having them on display. I love having the ability to just pick one up, pop it in the player and watch it, you know? They¡¯re always there if I want them.¡±

    ¡°It¡¯s really impressive,¡± I added.

    First time checking out her studio apartament - the Criterion DVD/Blu-Ray collection had immediately caught my eye. It was so big, she had them on display on two different display shelfs. And they were so neat-looking, organized by year, each one in its individual sleeve that, I suddenly felt the urge to grab one, pop it in the player, sit down and watch it. There was at least 200 of them (258, as I was going to find out later on when we decided to move in together).

    Nat was still in bed, watching me carefully around her treasure.

    ¡°Are you going to ask me about streaming?¡±

    I turned around at her:

    ¡°Should I ask about streaming?¡±

    ¡°If you want to,¡± she shrugged. ¡°People usually do.¡±

    ¡°Do you want me to ask you?¡±

    ¡°You¡¯re infuriating,¡± she giggled.

    ¡°Ok, I¡¯ll bite. Natalie? Why not just stream all this stuff?¡±

    ¡°I¡¯m glad you asked, James,¡± she began as she got out of bed. I couldn¡¯t help glancing at her. She was wearing this baggy Rolling Stones t-shirt and a pair of black panties. So casually sexy. ¡°Streaming services are great. They¡¯re convenient. Cheap?!¡±

    She frowned at that idea. She was really cute, I swear. She continued:

    ¡°But unfortunately, there is no single service to rule them all. No single service to offer you everything you may want to, so you have to go for multiple subscriptions: you have your Netflix¡¯s, your HBOs, your HULUs¡­¡±

    ¡°Don¡¯t¡¯ forget about CBS All Access!¡± I added. She laughed.

    ¡°So yeah, not THAT convenient. On top of that, films may not, and most of the times - will not stick forever on a particular streaming service due to¡­¡± she paused for dramatic effect ¨C ¡°licensing agreements!¡±

    ¡°Oh, no, not licensing agreements¡± I cried in jest.

    ¡°Oh yes, James! Licensing agreements or the bane of our existence and will forever be so under the rule of the corporate overlords. Our only chance is to buy them physically and own them forever in pretty shelfs like this one!¡±

    This tale has been unlawfully obtained from Royal Road. If you discover it on Amazon, kindly report it.

    I applauded: ¡°Bravo!¡±

    She took a bow, smiling. I took her in my arms and kissed her:

    ¡°You are something, Natalie.¡±

    She rolled her eyes, smiling.

    ¡°So can we watch one right now?¡± I asked.

    ¡°Now-now?¡±

    I shrugged: ¡°Unless you need me to leave.¡±

    Her face lit up. She took me by the hand to one of the shelfs.

    ¡°What would you like to see?¡±

    ¡°I don¡¯t know,¡± I replied. ¡°Never been into old films. I just never had the time to get into it, you know?¡±

    ¡°Leave that to me,¡± she said. She picked one case, opened it up, put the disc into the player and then dragged me back into bed.

    **

    Her

    I remember that day. It was such a fun day.

    So that at point, we had been on a couple of dates together. He was really charming. The beauty of it was that with every moment that we spent together, he seemed better and better. However, I was still hurt (more that I even cared to admit) by the whole ¡®Nick¡¯ business, that I found myself being more reserved and hesitant than usual. I was looking for all kinds of warning signals that would have made me go: ¡°No way, he¡¯s an asshole. Stay away.¡± But you could tell Jamie was special from the beginning.

    Let me give you an example: whenever it seemed as if he would say something arrogant (thus triggering my signals) he would immediately follow up with a self-deprecating remark. It was as if he was trying to say: ¡°I don¡¯t take myself that seriously. You shouldn¡¯t either.¡±

    At the end of the second date, we both knew that we wanted to end up in bed. We picked my place, it was closer. The sex was a bit awkward. I think it always is, the first time around with someone new, but the potential was definitely there.

    The next morning my paranoia emerged again. He was the first to wake up and I could feel him get up and walk around the apartment.

    ¡°Here we go,¡± I thought. ¡°He got what he came for, he¡¯s ready to leave. Maybe never to return.¡±

    I hesitated between opening my eyes and confronting him or just pretend I¡¯m sleeping and let him leave. Eventually, I opened my eyes. He was checking out my film collection. He looked really excited. See what I mean? He¡¯d do something that would stir panic in me, only to surprise me with an entirely unexpected follow up.

    He turned around. He could feel I was watching.

    ¡°This is very cool!¡± he said. ¡°I bet it cost you a lot.¡±

    All my doubts collapsed when a couple of minutes later he asked;

    ¡°So can we watch one right now?¡±

    Unexpected, I know. Thinking back now, it really shouldn¡¯t have been that unexpected but you have to understand - I was damaged. But this guy...

    ¡°Now-now?¡±

    He shrugged: ¡°Unless you want me to leave?¡±

    This was not some guy. This was going to be MY guy.

    ¡°Of course not,¡± I said. ¡°Yep, let¡¯s hang out. What would you like to see?¡±

    He had no idea. I got to pick. Big decision.

    I grabbed the film, put it in the PlayStation and hit play.

    A couple of moments later, the opening credits rolled: Alfred Hitchcock¡¯s Rear Window.

    We both relaxed and I eased into his arms.

    ¡°Oh, she¡¯s pretty,¡± he whispered when Grace Kelly first made her entrance.

    ¡°Yep. She also gets to be a real badass later, you¡¯ll see!¡±

    ¡°Love me some badass-es¡­¡±

    ¡°And her dresses in this film? They¡¯re do die for.¡±

    He glimpsed at me. He was excited to see me excited.

    He ended up loving it. Of course, he did. I knew my stuff. I still do. We ordered some food and then spent the rest of the day having sex and watching films. And the next one too. Hitchcock films can get you a long way.

    From that day on, he was my guy.

 NOW. IV

    Him

    I got up from the squeaky bed, went to the bathroom and splashed some water on my face. I paused in front of the mirror.

    I had managed to fly all the way to Nat¡¯s. I first wanted to surprise her at her parents¡¯ house, but then I thought about it some more and ended up deciding that it would have been stupid, even by my standards. I booked a cheap motel room in town, gave her the address and waited.

    The meeting was upsetting. And weird. So, so weird. Seeing her again, we jumped into each other¡¯s arms. She kissed me furiously and then burst out crying. I couldn¡¯t help it either. I was jetlagged, exhausted and emotional on top of everything else. I cried too. For an hour we just sat there, holding one another and crying.

    Then she jumped me, kissing me insistently while taking her clothes off. I joined her. I thought it would be good for us. Familiar territory and all that. It was still very, very weird. She was still almost a kid in appearance. She still had acne, you know? What was not different was her behavior, the look in her eyes. That was not an 18-year-old. That was Nat. I let my instincts kick in as well and we enjoyed each other.

    The second thing that was odd was the room itself. We were staying in this shitty motel room from a small town. You can probably imagine. It was weird for us to be there. Back in our time, we weren¡¯t crazy rich or anything, but we were stable and secure. We had nice holidays, we had good food ¨C all that. But here we were, in this crazy situation where she was a kid still living with her parents while I was a minimum-wage 24-year-old, living paycheck to paycheck.

    We had discovered each other at a point in our lives where we were both doing well careerwise (and as a result, financially wise too). But now we found ourselves on some new territory that we were unsure of how to navigate on top of the whole time-travelling situation.

    That first day we fought. She was upset that there was no hot water in the shower, I was angry at the whole situation and instead of trying to calm her down, I burst into a rant. It did not help things.

    She got dressed and went back home. I mean, she was supposed to, anyway. Her parents wouldn¡¯t have been too happy to know she was staying over at a shitty motel with a stranger from across the country.

    On the second day we fought again. I saw that she was repeatedly texted by this guy she knew, Theo. I asked her if she needed help with him. She suddenly turned defensive and told me to drop it, unless I wanted in return to talk about Christine. One thing led to another and I told her what had happened that first day after the ¡®awakening¡¯. She was not happy.

    Third day, third fight. She wanted to discuss whatever had happened to us that we got transported back to 2012. I didn¡¯t feel like getting into it. I was tired. I couldn¡¯t sleep well in that place. My money was running low. Christine was calling me every day and my list of excuses was growing shorter and shorter. Mom was calling me as well. The money she gave me, she was suspicious about the whole thing. Lies kept piling up and it was increasingly difficult for me to keep track of them. I got calls from work, too. I had to be back into the office the next Tuesday.

    We fought hard on that third day. Harder than ever before. It shook me a lot. Made me question a lot of things: my sanity, a way out, our future. I am not proud of my behavior back then but I still felt tempted to ask for the benefit of the doubt, given the situation. So, you¡¯ll have to excuse me if my side of the story seems lacking here. I am not that eager to revisit it.

    On the fourth day it was a bit better. It was Saturday, so she didn¡¯t need to go to school. She spent the whole day with me. We talked about things. Still had no idea what to do, either of us. It was also very hard for either of us to separate our current situation from our lives in 2024. How could we? We were so messed up. That whole week, I wouldn¡¯t call that living. It was like a nightmare.

    So, there I was on that fifth day living in that shitty room, trying to get my bearings and find an answer to the most pressing question: what were we going to do next?

    With no obvious answer I mind, I showered, put on some clothes and tried calling her. Busy tone. Odd. Without giving it much thought, I just waited for another hour or so. Then I tried her again. It did ring, but there was no answer. I was beginning to get worried. This was not like her. She was actually the most punctual and responsive person I knew. Something was wrong.

    I went to her house. In front there was an ambulance parked. And I could hear wailing from inside. One voice was louder than the rest and very familiar, for I had listened to it all week during our arguments.

    **

    Her

    When we first met at the motel, it took us a good minute to recognize each other. He had long shaggy hair (I hereby promise to never again judge the hair I met him with) and no beard. He was skinnier and the clothes¡­well, it was 2012 after all. I tried not to judge too harshly. Whereas I¡­I was eighteen. It really freaked him out. Once we could really tell that it was us, we broke down together, crying, holding each other and just venting out all the stress and pressure that had accumulated since we had awoken in this ¡®universe¡¯.

    Trying to relieve ourselves of even more pain, I jumped him while ripping the clothes off of me. He hesitated for a bit - I could feel it. He was looking at me differently. He was paying too much attention to my body, to how I looked. He was not seeing his old girlfriend Nat, he was seeing a crying teenager furiously taking her clothes off. Wishing to get past that, I just overwhelmed him with my kissing and caressing. I was trying so hard to let him now that it¡¯s still me. Finally, he gave into me.

    Afterwards, we were laying down, staring at the ceiling. I stood up.

    ¡°I¡¯m hungry. Let¡¯s grab a bite. I think the diner across the street is not completely terrible.¡±

    He nodded approvingly. He was so quiet, so unlike him. He felt numb. Shellshocked. Unresponsive. I started feeling the urge to know what he was thinking about, something that never occurred to me before. He was usually so outspoken that there was no need to wonder. I couldn¡¯t tell if he was looking at me or through me. I was getting dressed when he finally spoke:

    ¡°I didn¡¯t know you were so chubby when you were younger.¡±

    I was livid. I¡¯m not sure how my face reacted to him saying that, but he was now trying to save himself:

    ¡°I mean, it¡¯s not that bad, you¡¯re still a kid, but still¡­compared to when we met.¡±

    My mouth was wide open. Remember when I was telling you how in the beginning, he kept saying silly arrogant things only to follow up with a joke on himself? It felt like that but without the follow up. He had just been a complete asshole.

    ¡°Wow. You¡¯re being a complete asshole right now.¡±

    He felt sorry, I could tell. But the right words kept evading him and he continued to say stupid things:

    ¡°What I¡¯m trying to say is that you look great when we end up together. Now you¡¯re just¡­different. Probably just baby fat, right? You¡¯ll grow into yourself.¡±

    Usually, I would have bitten back with some snarky remarks but that was no usual day for either of us. I was not able to take his words well.

    ¡°I¡¯m eighteen, you dick!¡± I yelled, tears in my eyes.

    Trying to look defiant, I took all my clothes off and threw them at him and then ran into the bathroom.

    ¡°It was a silly joke, Nat,¡± he mumbled from the room.

    I turned on the water and jumped into the shower. There was no hot water. My tears turned into anger. I lashed out at him:

    ¡°Great. I can¡¯t even get a freaking shower!¡±

    We did laugh at the shitty room he had booked prior to this. All of a sudden it was turning into a real topic. Like a boiling pot, he joined me in anger. He was losing it too:

    ¡°We¡¯ll I¡¯m sorry, princess, but this all I could scrounge to come up here and visit!¡±

    It was the first time hearing him talk like that.

    ¡°What the actual fuck is wrong with you?¡± I asked. ¡°Why are you acting like this?¡±

    ¡°I don¡¯t know, Nat. Maybe because we¡¯re living a fucking nightmare right now, and I¡¯m having trouble wrapping my head around it? You¡¯re not the only one experiencing this, you know?¡±

    ¡°I never said that I was¡­¡±

    ¡°Well then, I apologize for trying to relieve the tension with a harmless joke. In case you¡¯ve forgotten, my name is James ¨C I say stupid jokes!¡±

    ¡°I¡¯ve never known you to make such thoughtless jokes, Jamie! I¡¯m eighteen, how the hell do you feel like it¡¯s appropriate to make comments about my body like that?¡±

    ¡°Oh, so you¡¯re eighteen, now! Good to know. Half an hour ago, you were acting like you were your old self in the bedroom although I was extremely uncomfortable to be with you like that. How convenient that you¡¯re now eighteen again!¡±

    Ok, he didn¡¯t use those exact words. It was actually worse. But I don¡¯t want to recall them. That wasn¡¯t the real him. I don¡¯t want to paint him like that. For sure I don¡¯t hold them against him right now. They were just words.

    I put on my clothes again and stormed off.

    So that was day one of us seeing each other again. Not the greatest start ever.

    The next day I visited again. As I was climbing the stairs to his room, I could hear him try to plead and argue with Christine. I stopped to listen.

    ¡°Chris, please, it¡¯s just for a couple more days. I¡¯ll be home before you know it. No, it¡¯s just¡­stuff with my parents, you know? Yeah. Yeah. I¡¯m with mom, okay? Okay. Me too.¡± He paused. ¡°I love you too.¡±

    It sounded as if she asked him so say it explicitly. I sighed in frustration. Jealousy was the last thing I needed. Who was I to judge, anyway? It was noon and I already had twenty unread texts from Theo.

    Love this novel? Read it on Royal Road to ensure the author gets credit.

    ¡°Girlfriend trouble?¡± I asked as I put my hand on his shoulder.

    He grasped in surprise, his brain freezing. Trying to come with another lie, perhaps?

    ¡°Well, as you can imagine¡­I did wake up in my old apartment and she was there.¡±

    ¡°Awkward, huh?¡±

    ¡°Very much so.¡±

    ¡°For how much longer will you guys be together at this point?¡±

    He paused: ¡°About two more years, I think. She then gets a job offer from abroad, I think.¡±

    Two more years. Wow!

    ¡°It really doesn¡¯t matter,¡± he added. ¡°Me and her, we¡¯re done.¡±

    I didn¡¯t know what to say. I wasn¡¯t too excited by the perspective of erasing two years of relationship from someone. Even if they didn¡¯t end up being happily ever after. Not everything in life ends up like that, doesn¡¯t mean we should delete it. Their relationship must have had beautiful moments too, otherwise they wouldn¡¯t have lasted for that long.

    ¡°What happened on Saturday was a mistake,¡± he continued.

    He slipped. He did not want to say that. But he was so overwhelmed with all the lies he made up for his mom and for Christine that he just slipped.

    ¡°What happened on Saturday?¡± I asked softly.

    He closed his eyes, probably cursing himself to death.

    ¡°It doesn¡¯t matter,¡± he said. ¡°It was a mistake. It means nothing.¡±

    ¡°What, did you wake up in 2012 directly into her vagina?¡±

    He did try to explain what had happened, with the fainting, the ambulance and the drugs they gave him. I couldn¡¯t really get over it. While he was justifying himself, my phone kept buzzing with all the texts. I took it out and started scrolling through them. This upset him greatly. I wasn¡¯t paying attention any longer.

    ¡°What about you and this Theo, huh?¡±

    ¡°Nothing happened. Not since I woke up here.¡±

    ¡°Oh, so you¡¯re an item,¡± said Jamie.

    Here we go, his turn to get jealous.

    ¡°What¡¯s bothering you, that I had a boyfriend twelve years ago? Well, I did. I¡¯m sorry,¡± I apologized sarcastically. ¡°Am I forgiven?¡±

    ¡°It¡¯s fine¡± he mumbled.

    He was not fine. I shrugged at him and started texting back, trying to stop the spamming. Jamie was visibly bothered by this.

    ¡°Why not just tell him to fuck off?¡±

    I was, but in a polite manner.

    ¡°Why didn¡¯t you tell Christine to fuck off?¡±

    ¡°What do you-¡°

    ¡°Or is ¡®I love you too¡¯ code for fuck off from where you come from?¡±

    It was unfair. I knew it. We were both on edge and already fighting. I left as upset as I was the day before.

    The next day I came in focused on dodging any sensible topics that could make us argue. Instead, I wanted us to start doing something else: think about what had happened. How did we get here and why? I already came up with a plan. My friend ¨C actually future friend (and also future bride, twelve years from now), Emily, was a physicist. She could have an explanation (at least a theoretical one) as to what had happened to us. She was teaching Physics at the same University where I was teaching Psychology. That¡¯s how we ended up being friends. Of course, she wouldn¡¯t be a physicist for another number of years but it was a start.

    Jamie didn¡¯t want to hear a word of it. Which, now that I think about it, is hilarious. Only days after he¡¯d cry over us following this thread for as far as possible. It wasn¡¯t the time for him then. In any case, we fought again, no matter how hard I tried to avoid it. We couldn¡¯t help it.

    We fought hard. We fought so hard that for a minute I thought he was going to leave and that we¡¯ll never see each other again. It was that bad.

    I wouldn¡¯t say that this fight had impacted anything on the long run, between the two of us. I think we were both so traumatized by it and so scared of ever repeating it, that we decided to never let ourselves getting in that position. From that moment on, no matter how hard things got (and they did get even harder) we decided to be kinder to one another. So, the way I look at it now, it was a precious lesson, not just for our relationship but for our lives going forward.

    The next day was a Saturday and it was also the first where we acted like normal people. We went out, chit-chatted, had some good lunch and even made out like teenagers, in the park. It was nice. But he was not there with me completely. His thoughts were somewhere else, far away. Something was clouding my heart as well. As if something was going to happen. Something bad had already happened, I wondered how it could get worse.

    I decided that I had to do some self-reflection. I had to analyze my past and try to learn from it. There was going to be a lot of digging. But I was also so tired that Saturday, that I couldn¡¯t help but postpone the history searching for the next day.

    Unfortunately, the next day was going to be too late for someone.

    My father had passed away on the 20<sup>th</sup> of May 2012. He had a heart attack. He woke up early that morning, the same way he always did. Drank coffee, had breakfast and then started working on his garage project. At some point, the heart attack occurred. Mom found him laying down in the yard. She called the ambulance immediately, but it was too late. He was 49-years-old.

    That was the first time.

    The second time, it was me who found him. I woke up that morning, saw the date and only then I had realized what it meant. But it was too late.

    I know what you¡¯re thinking: how is it possible that I didn¡¯t remember at least a day before? Why didn¡¯t I think about it that very first day I saw him alive again?

    These are questions I asked myself millions of times after. Had I been so absorbed by the whole thing that I forgot the most tragic thing (or the second most?) that ever happened to me? Was I so messed up by not getting along with Jamie that I forgot about my own father? I blamed myself endlessly. I blamed my ignorance. My stupidity. My confusion during those days. I blamed everything about me. Even now, I blame myself and not a thing or person in the world will ever convince me of the contrary. I had the chance to save him. And I realized too late what was happening. I let my father die although it was in my power to stop it. And I will live with that fact my whole life.

    The first time it happened, it was painful, it was shocking. It was the end of all things.

    The second time was worse. I was hysterical. I kept screaming and crying ¡°I should have known. Why did I not warn him?¡±

    Why, indeed?

    On top of it all, it hurt that instead of spending more precious time with him, I was embroiled in senseless fights and depressing moments with Jamie all that week. It hurt so bad that I wanted to die.

    Ironically, that reiteration of May, the 20<sup>th</sup> was the day I actually started the self-reflection. I began looking back at my ¡®original¡¯ past twelve years and started taking notes.

    I don¡¯t know why me and Jamie were ¡®sent¡¯ back. I don¡¯t know if was just a random accident or if the universe was trying to tell us something. At some point you have to wander what kind of coincidence is it that I¡¯m taken back just a week before I¡¯d lose my father. Either way, if the reason was to make a difference, that day I failed hard. And an immutable feeling grew in me that day ¨C that I will never let it happen again. If I could save someone, I will do it, no matter the cost.

    And I realized that in the twelve years that were to follow there was one episode that was standing above all others. One episode that I would do anything to change. I mentioned my father¡¯s death as the most tragic thing that happened to me? I was not going to let ¡®the second most¡¯ take place.

    At the funeral, I saw Theo quite a lot. Of course, he was a funeral director¡¯s assistant. The family business. For those couple of days, he was so helpful and supportive, not only to me, but to mom as well. And I had suddenly remembered how we ended up being ¡®officially¡¯ together after sleeping around all those weeks before. It was his calmness and firmness in front of tragedy that gave me comfort. He was protective, strong and unshaken. Was I falling for him again? Not exactly, but I liked to revel in the good feelings and memories I had with him. They made sense this time around too.

    Jamie was around, of course. He tried to be supportive and present, without freaking out the rest of my family, since they had no idea who he was. I made up a lie saying that we knew each other from Facebook and that we were both big fans of Hitchcock films (not a complete lie, actually). It was enough for the time being.

    After we left the cemetery, I took his arm and asked him to walk with me through the nearby park. I could feel Theo staring at us from behind. Originally, it was his arm I took and him who I brought to the park. Things can change if you take action at the right time.

    In the park, we sat down, me and Jamie. He pulled a cigarette, lighted it up and sat quietly.

    ¡°Let me have one,¡± I said.

    He shared another with me. We sat there in silence for a couple of minutes. He kept looking at me, trying to read anything on my face. Since I wasn¡¯t saying anything, he decided to break the silence

    ¡°So, guess what,¡± he said. ¡°Before I flew here, I placed some money on sporting bets.¡±

    I saw where this was going.

    ¡°How much money?¡± I asked.

    ¡°All of them. Everything I had.¡±

    I smiled.

    ¡°Yeah, so¡­it worked. It works! I have $30.000 dollars in my bank account. And it can only be the beginning.¡±

    ¡°Oh yeah?¡±

    ¡°Yes. I can remember some tennis matches, some NBA championships, some Olympics results. I can do more.¡±

    ¡°Is it reliable, long-term?¡±

    ¡°Course not. But I can use the money and invest in stock, right?¡±

    That was smart. I gave him a short smirk.

    ¡°Right.¡±

    ¡°There¡¯s also this crypto thing that¡¯s going to blow up in a couple of years.¡±

    I smiled again.

    ¡°So, it seems we can change things,¡± I said.

    ¡°It seems so.¡±

    ¡°I want to change things, too.¡±

    ¡°Want me to share some sports world insights?¡±

    I took his hand and squeezed it gently.

    ¡°This day is actually the first day I¡¯m starting a relationship with Theo.¡±

    He didn¡¯t say anything. He just focused on his cigarette.

    ¡°Theo and I¡­we¡¯re going to be together for a while.¡±

    ¡°You mean, in the ¡®original¡¯ timeline.¡±

    I rolled my eyes. We were starting to sound like comic book characters.

    ¡°Originally, yes.¡± I held my breath and then let the rest of it out: ¡°One year from now I get pregnant. Something happens and I¡­I lose the pregnancy. I lose the baby¡­¡±

    I paused to look at him. He had stopped smoking but would not make eye contact. I continued:

    ¡°It was bad luck the first time around. An accident. I get hit by a bike¡­anyway, it doesn¡¯t matter.¡±

    ¡°You never told me about this.¡±

    ¡°No. It was too painful to tell. It broke me. It is what broke me and Theo up.¡±

    ¡°Otherwise¡­?¡±

    ¡°He was planning to marry me. After the baby came.¡±

    He let out a heavy sigh.

    ¡°That¡¯s why you couldn¡¯t have kids?¡±

    I nodded.

    ¡°Shit!¡± he said. We sat there in silence for another minute.

    ¡°And now?¡± he said.

    ¡°Now I want to save that baby.¡±

    I could feel him trembling. Tears were flooding his eyes. I now realized that I wasn¡¯t holding his hand anymore. I was crying too.

    ¡°I¡¯ve already failed dad. I can¡¯t fail this baby too. It wouldn¡¯t be fair.¡±

    ¡°Yes, I see. Where does that leave us?¡±

    ¡°I¡¯ve done a lot of thinking and planning and the truth, Jamie, is that¡­I don¡¯t know. We¡¯re not supposed to meet for a number of years. But I do know for sure that this baby is happening. But this time, I don¡¯t want to lose her.¡±

    He seemed to react at me calling the baby ¡®her¡¯.

    ¡°If we¡¯re meant to be together,¡± I continued ¡°then we¡¯ll be together when the time comes.¡±

    He didn¡¯t buy that. I wasn¡¯t sure I did, either.

    ¡°This is a mistake,¡± he replied.

    ¡°What is?¡± I asked.

    ¡°All of it. Nat, we¡¯re supposed to be finding a way to¡­We should go back, not stick around, trying to change things!¡±

    Now he wanted to talk about that.

    ¡°But we are back, aren¡¯t we? It all depends on what side of the fence you¡¯re looking from. You already changed things, right? All that money? I did too.¡±

    I told him about my second chance with Professor Shepard. ¡°Why not stay and fix what went wrong with our lives? A second chance. There must be a reason all this is happening. Do you know a way back? Cause I don¡¯t. And if I am to survive this whole ordeal, I have to do the things I feel need changing.¡±

    ¡°Can you just¡­wait? Maybe we find something! A way back!¡±

    I didn¡¯t answer but he could tell.

    We sat there some more. Quietly.

    ¡°Are you going to say anything?¡± I asked.

    ¡°I don¡¯t know what to say, Nat. I just, can¡¯t compete with a baby. I know it and you definitely know it. If I¡¯m supposed to fight for you, here, I don¡¯t know how.¡±

    ¡°I know,¡± I said through the sobs.

    ¡°I do love you, you know!¡± He finally looked at me.

    ¡°I know¡­¡± And I loved him.

 THEN. IV

    THEN. IV

    Him

    ¡°How are you, guys?¡±

    ¡°We¡¯re good, you know? Great, even!¡±

    ¡°How great?¡±

    ¡°We¡¯re so great that we¡¯re moving in together!¡±

    ¡°No shit!¡±

    ¡°Yeah, man¡±.

    Jon high fived me. We raised our glasses and drank to that.

    ¡°You¡¯re not nervous that you¡¯re going to step on each other¡¯s toes? It¡¯s a big step.¡±

    ¡°But I have done it before.¡±

    ¡°Of course! Christine?¡±

    ¡°Christine.¡±

    He paused.

    ¡°Whatever happened with her, man?¡±

    ¡°You mean like, where is she now?¡±

    ¡°No. I mean, what happened between you two?¡±

    ¡°Oh!¡±

    There was a brief period in our lives when me and Jon did not keep up with each other. He had his stuff, I had mine. Mine coincided with being in a relationship with Christine. We didn¡¯t see each other much in that period.

    ¡°Christine was¡­still is, I think, a force to be reckoned with. She¡¯s very intense in everything she does. Very objective-based kind of person, you know?¡±

    ¡°Was that overwhelming?¡±

    ¡°A lot yeah. At the same time, I¡¯d be hypocritical not to admit that she was also inspiring.¡±

    ¡°Huh,¡± he mumbled for himself.

    ¡°I guess it¡¯s her upbringing. She was raised to move mountains. Her whole family is like that. I mean, think about it, remember when we were in our early 20s and we¡¯d work on those crappy wages?¡±

    ¡°Never heard of that, no.¡± he replied sarcastically.

    ¡°Right,¡± I continued, ¡°Christine refused to fall into that category. She worked hard, relentlessly pursuing the next big thing in her career. She was never content. There was this moment where I had to decide whether I¡¯d use the money I had to buy a meal or sacrifice the money and get a video game, or something. And then for my birthday she¡¯d get me something ridiculously fancy, like a watch or an iPad, something I¡¯d never have been able to afford.¡±

    ¡°Impressive. I¡¯d imagine you were heart warmed.¡±

    ¡°For sure, at first. But then, when you sit and thing about it, the dynamic was weird. I just felt as if I couldn¡¯t keep up with her, you know?¡±

    ¡°Because she made more money than you?¡±

    ¡°No, it¡¯s not that. That was great, something to be proud of. Your girlfriend¡¯s having an awesome career and money to show for it - It¡¯s awesome.¡±

    ¡°Huh ¨C he said, considering all that for a moment. Me and Sarah, we¡¯ve never had that.¡±

    ¡°Yeah, your dynamic is different¡­More balanced?¡±

    He agreed. They were both working as lawyers at the same firm.

    ¡°You felt that with Christine?¡±

    ¡°Yes. Always. It was in her nature. She LOVED the challenge, the hustle.¡±

    ¡°Did she ever tell you that she wanted to see more from you?¡±

    ¡°She never verbalized it, no. But it was kind of implied. It¡¯s hard to describe. It was always there, in the back of my mind.¡±

    ¡°So, she dumped you.¡±

    ¡°She kind of did, yeah. She got a job offer from abroad.¡±

    ¡°Oh! Where did she go?¡±

    ¡°Denmark or Sweden, or something like that.¡±

    ¡°Wow!¡±

    ¡°Yeah. Came back with a husband. Probably the president of Scandinavia or the inventor of IKEA or something¡­¡±

    We laughed.

    ¡°I could never be with a girl that earns more than me¡± said Jon, turning all serious.

    My smile turned into a weird grin, then turned into confusion.

    ¡°What the hell, why not?¡±

    ¡°It would obsess me day and night. I¡¯d think all the time that I¡¯m not good enough. I¡¯d be scared all the time.¡±

    This narrative has been purloined without the author''s approval. Report any appearances on Amazon.

    ¡°Scared of what?¡±

    He just looked at me.

    ¡°What, that she¡¯d cheat you?¡±

    ¡°I don¡¯t know how you did it all those years.¡±

    It was the shift in power in such a relationship that scared him.

    ¡°Mate, if a woman like that wants to be with you, she¡¯ll be with you until she won¡¯t. It¡¯s simple. Unless she¡¯s a sociopath and she¡¯s looking to fuck you up.¡±

    He nodded, unconvinced.

    ¡°You¡¯re telling me that if Sarah¡¯s getting a promotion tomorrow and earns more than you, you¡¯re just not going to be able to live with that? So what? You dump her?¡±

    ¡°Not like that! I¡¯d try and match what she¡¯s doing. Go for a promotion too. Even things out.¡±

    ¡°That¡¯s messed up,¡± I sighed.

    ¡°But it¡¯s true. Look at Christine. She stayed with you for a while, but she moved on looking for someone more akin to her worldview.¡±

    What¡¯s even funnier was that what we assumed about her husband was not actually true. Years later, we spoke briefly and she told me herself. When she met the guy, she understood that she needs to be less challenging with the people she loved. She was still a force at work, but more of a partner at home. It was nice to hear.

    ¡°Do you think she¡¯d feel better in a relationship with you the way you are right now?¡±

    I had to think about it for a moment.

    ¡°To be honest, I have no idea.¡±

    ¡°I¡¯m telling you, Jamie, it¡¯s how things are. That¡¯s why I¡¯d never date a world-famous actress or something. Me and Scarlett Johansson, we¡¯d never work out.¡±

    ¡°Right,¡± I said.

    ¡°I mean, we¡¯d have some fun, sure, but in the end the bank accounts would weigh too heavy between us.¡±

    I laughed. What a goofball!

    ¡°But now you have Nat,¡± he said after a while.

    ¡°Yeah, and Nat¡¯s great. The thing about Nat is that she¡¯s easy to be around. She¡¯s accomplished in her own right, but she doesn¡¯t have the same type of energy.¡±

    ¡°Would she like the version of you from when you were with Christine?¡±

    ¡°Totally!¡± I didn¡¯t even hesitate for a second. ¡°Yeah, man. She¡¯s just an awesome person and I was a charming fellow even then.¡±

    ¡°Don¡¯t forget ¡®modest¡¯,¡± replied Jon.

    ¡°Modesty incarnated! Yes, that¡¯s me. But for real, I wish I¡¯d knew her sooner. We¡¯d have been great together even then.¡±

    **

    Her

    ¡°Did she actually say that?¡±

    ¡°I. AM. NOT. KIDDING!¡±

    Emily couldn¡¯t believe what she had just heard.

    ¡°What did you say?¡±

    ¡°I said that I¡¯m flattered but that I¡¯m not interested in anything like that¡­with anybody.¡±

    ¡°Ooh¡­you broke her heart, didn¡¯t you?¡±

    I shrugged:

    ¡°Em, this was always going to be a fifty-fifty thing. If I had said yes, she would have been fine, sure. She¡¯d have gotten her way. But I said ¡®no¡¯, so it was always going to be awkward for the both of us. She knew the risks.¡±

    ¡°Did you talk to Jamie about it?¡±

    ¡°God, no!¡± I laughed. ¡°He¡¯d probably kill me if he heard.¡±

    ¡°Why, because you said ¡®no¡¯?

    ¡°Yep.¡±

    ¡°So, he would have been into the idea.¡±

    ¡°Probably. I don¡¯t know.¡±

    She sat back in her chair, thinking. I could tell she was ready to get into some really sensible and intimate questions. I was not wrong.

    ¡°So why did you say ¡®no¡¯?¡± she asked.

    ¡°Because I was not interested,¡± I answered candidly.

    ¡°Right, but she didn¡¯t ask just for you. She asked to join you both.¡±

    ¡°Which still leaves me with a say, right?¡±

    ¡°But you didn¡¯t let him have a say. What if you knew for sure that he wanted to do it? Would you have changed your mind? For his sake?¡±

    ¡°I have no idea,¡± I said. ¡°Can we change the topic now?¡±

    ¡°Of course not,¡± replied Emily.

    I laughed.

    ¡°Poor Marie¡­¡± she said after a while.

    I rolled my eyes:

    ¡°It¡¯s just a phase she¡¯s going through cause she¡¯s single. It¡¯s like she doesn¡¯t know what to do with herself unless she¡¯s in a relationship. So she just jumps into some crazy ideas, hoping it would calm her insanity. Even if I had said yes, I guarantee that she¡¯d only be happy for five minutes before looking for the next thing.¡±

    ¡°Maybe,¡± said Emily, ¡°but I doubt that she would have proposed something like that to anyone. She did it to you cause you are friends. It meant something.¡±

    ¡°What if she had asked you, what would you have said?¡±

    Emily turned quiet. She didn¡¯t want to look into my eyes, all of a sudden. I couldn¡¯t believe it.

    ¡°You didn¡¯t!¡±

    She sighed and let her head down in embarrassment.

    ¡°When did this happen?¡±

    ¡°Two weekends ago¡­¡± she whispered.

    ¡°With Alex too?¡±

    ¡°Obviously.¡±

    ¡°I can¡¯t believe this. You are such sluts. All three of you!¡± I burst out laughing.

    ¡°Well, what¡¯s done is done¡± she said, looking at me with shyness. She looked like a puppy caught in the act of doing something bad. She was feeling judged.

    ¡°But why?¡±

    ¡°Well, we are getting married after all. I just thought we could cross it off the bucket list.¡±

    ¡°I don¡¯t even want to know what else is on that list.¡±

    She sipped from her coffee cup while I was still trying to process what I had found out. And there I was, hoping to blow her mind with the latest gossip. I groaned loudly.

    ¡°Ok! How was it?¡± I said in the end.

    She smiled:

    ¡°It was quite amazing!¡±

    ¡°Really?¡± I asked in disbelief.

    ¡°Really. We had a lot of fun. It felt like college all over again.¡±

    ¡°What happened in college?¡±

    ¡°Oh, you know¡­the same. But I was the guest, not part of the couple. There were these two gorgeous guys, studying acting, and they wanted to be with a woman for the first time. Together. So¡­uhm¡­¡±

    I shook my head.

    ¡°You know, now I¡¯m really glad that I said ¡®no¡¯.

    Emily didn¡¯t seem to follow.

    ¡°Em, I love you to death, but I don¡¯t want to have something like this connecting us. Ever!¡±

    We giggled.

    ¡°So, you and Jamie, you¡¯re so good that you need this kind of flavoring in your love life?¡±

    ¡°Not unless he¡¯s offering to bring a guy in, first. Then we can welcome a girl too.¡± I smiled viciously.

    ¡°Now look who¡¯s being a slut,¡± said Emily.

    ¡°I¡¯m just kidding. I guess I¡¯m selfish like that, I don¡¯t want to share.¡±

    We took another breath from all the giggling and rapid talking. Emily was again looking at me with that seriousness that implied she wanted to ask something delicate again.

    ¡°What is it now?¡± I asked.

    ¡°Does he know about your¡­condition?¡±

    ¡°Jamie? Yes. He knows that I can¡¯t have kids.¡±

    ¡°Does he know why?¡±

    ¡°No. He could tell I was hesitant talking about it so he never insisted on knowing. He said that he¡¯s happy as we are and doesn¡¯t care. We did talk about adoption at some point. Definitely something we¡¯re considering if things continue this way.¡±

    ¡°That¡¯s sweet of him!¡±

    ¡°Em! He¡¯s my guy! He¡¯s a keeper!¡±

    I was beaming of pride. I was happy and I didn¡¯t mind showing it.

    ¡°Look at you two, no wonder people are asking for threesomes with you.¡±

    ¡°Oh yes,¡± I said, ¡°we are completely awesome.¡±

 NOW. V

    Him

    2012, 2013, 2014, 2015 passed in a glimpse. We did not talk much in that period. Just texts, here and there. ¡®Happy birthday. How are you? All good? Yeah. You?¡¯ Shit like that. I didn¡¯t want to know more about what she was doing. It was too painful. I tried to forget and just follow her plan.

    You¡¯re probably wondering ¨C oh there was a plan?

    There was. Her plan was for us to continue living our lives separately, doing the best that we can to correct the, and I want to quote her exactly on this, mistakes of our past.

    ¡°If we are meant to be together,¡± she said. ¡°We¡¯ll be together like the first time, when the time comes.¡±

    Correcting the mistakes of our past. Myself, I was not too eager to revisit my past in order to change something about it. But for Nat it was different. Different story, different objective. No matter how upset I was with her and with the whole situation, I still couldn¡¯t get myself to hate her for trying to change this particular event.

    So, what did I do? I kept on betting on sporting events. I took some of that money and bough a lot of cheap crypto currency. I took another chunk of money and invested in the stock market. I didn¡¯t have a clear plan; I was winging it. But it was enough that I roughly knew how the financial market would end up that I could use it to my advantage.

    So yeah, I got kind of rich in less than three years. Not billionaire rich. Just comfortably rich that I could sit on my ass at home, without doing too much work. I was well off for the rest of my life.

    I bought a nice house, moved in with Christine but that didn¡¯t last. I knew how we first ended up our relationship. I couldn¡¯t get past that. This time, I broke up with her. She ended up in Denmark (or was it Norway?) as intended, met that fellow¡­she was about to get married again. Well, not again, but you know what I mean.

    I started travelling, more than I could have ever afforded before. Three months in Europe. One month in Japan. Six in South America. It was easy. It¡¯s always easy, when you have the money. I put on the ¡®charismatic Jamie¡¯ mask wherever I went. So, I had buddies around me, travelling, partying, spending time together. Casual girlfriend here and there. But nothing long lasting. Whatever I did, I kept looking forward to the future, to the year of 2018.

    It was a lonely way of living. But it was brought on by the whole experience. I could have never been completely honest and close to someone without telling them what had happened to me. And who would believe it? Who would not think that I was crazy?

    That was what happened with Jon. I made the mistake of telling him the truth. He didn¡¯t buy it. I could see it in his eyes that he thought I was mad. And just like that ¨C I lost him. I realized it would never be the same again between me and him. He was already suspicious of my newly acquired fortune. Hearing the story made him think that I was either making fun of him or that I was just high from drugs. We couldn¡¯t resonate with one another anymore. So ended my only genuine friendship.

    It was painful to some degree but it could have felt worse. I was so numb from leaving Nat behind, that I couldn¡¯t really feel much else on top of that. At that moment I had decided to never share the story with anyone else ever again, never try to change anyone and anything besides myself.

    Ha ha, yes, I¡¯m seeing the irony.

    Throughout all this, of course I would check Nat on social media. Look for pictures, check-ins, updates. They were all painful. First an innocent photo with Theo. Then it¡¯s her a bit rounder in the waist, then a photo of the three of them together. The next year, Nat in a bikini ¨C honeymoon in Mexico? A couple months after, a new baby. A year later, all four of them on a vacation in Hawaii.

    You¡¯re probably thinking - how the hell did I think that we¡¯re ever going to reunite in 2018 (as per our original timeline) when she would pursue a life with this guy. Have children? To be honest, I have no idea how to respond to that. I just kept that hope. The hope that destiny will still bring us together. That we were meant to be together. Somehow.

    But no matter how na?ve I was, not even I could hold that much hope after that fabulous photo of the four of them on a beach in Honolulu.

    So, you can imagine my surprise when my phone rang in early 2016 and it was her.

    **

    Her

    ¡°You think I¡¯m crazy.¡±

    Emily was staring back, no emotion discernable on her face. Things were going a bit different than our original meeting. Understatement of the year.

    ¡°But what if I get this guy to confirm everything that I had just said?¡±

    ¡°You realize that you¡¯re probably not the only insane person out there,¡± she replied.

    This was proving to be more frustrating than I had anticipated. I had barely made her listen to me all the way. Making her believe me was an entirely different type of challenge.

    ¡°What if¡­what if I were to say things about you, things I shouldn¡¯t know?¡±

    ¡°I¡¯d say you were spying on me on Facebook.¡±

    ¡°These are not the kind of things you¡¯d post on Facebook, Em.¡±

    ¡°Ok, listen, I think I¡¯m done. I¡¯m asking you only once ¨C please leave the premises.¡±

    ¡°No, you listen, I know you had a threesome with a couple of of gay guys when you were in college.¡±

    She was appalled. She was going to hit me.

    ¡°Those fuckers, I¡¯m going to kill them!¡±

    She hit me.

    ¡°Ouch! Seriously, Em, nobody talked. You¡¯ll tell me this yourself. In like¡­eight years or something.¡±

    ¡°Just leave me alone, you crazy bitch!¡± ¨C she reached for her phone.

    ¡°Ok, forget it! Forget what I told you. Can you please explain to me, from a theoretical point-of-view, how something like this could happen? What would be the most likely, scientifically probable, realistically possible scenario?

    She threw a magazine at me and asked for security. Great. Things were going great. I got escorted out of the building, bleeding lip and all. I had just remembered that Emily was taking kickbox lessons as her regular workout.

    Originally, this day was supposed to be the time we first met, me and Emily. She¡¯d ask to sit next to me at the campus cafeteria, we¡¯d start talking and later we¡¯d become friends. Best friends. This time around, a couple of small differences ¨C I wasn¡¯t working at the University.

    I had decided it would be redundant to attend the same courses again. Not that I didn¡¯t like what I had done before. I already had a degree in Psychology. I saw no point in doing it again. Plus, I had the kids to take care of at home. I took some online classes in IT, studied a bit of programming, a bit of automation, a bit of everything, just to keep my mind in shape.

    Coming back to Emily, you can imagine that I didn¡¯t have the patience to play through the whole ordeal again, stalking her at the cafeteria and hoping history would repeat and she¡¯d sit next to me again. Also, I wasn¡¯t going to indulge the overcharging they did at the cafeteria if you weren¡¯t a faculty member, which I no longer was.

    Did you know this text is from a different site? Read the official version to support the creator.

    The truth is, my patience had diminished. Having two small kids at home will do that to you. They are the loves of my life, but they also irreparably changed the cool young woman I had been. I was still pretty cool. But a cool mom, not a cool single girl. I thought myself uncapable of building the exact same friendship with Emily. It was impossible, after everything I went through. So, I was impatient. I had waited for roughly the same period that I had originally met her (in an attempt to not mess up the universe more than necessary), hoping that my past knowledge of her and the universe will do the rest and kind of reunite us. The universe did not give a damn about my efforts. Neither was she impressed by me knowing intimate things about her. All I was paid for my efforts was a punch to the face.

    Outside the campus, the sun was shining. It was getting hotter. I had to squint in order to read something in that light. I had no sunglasses. It wasn¡¯t the best of days.

    Holding a tissue over my mouth, I started looking over at the magazine she threw at me. There was a ten-page article written on theories related to time-travel.

    I read through it twice. I didn¡¯t know what I expected, but this was not the illuminating moment that I wanted ¨C when everything made sense and it explained all that had happened to me and Jamie.

    There was only one thing in that article that made some kind of sense in connection to us. I grabbed my phone and without giving it a second thought, I called Jamie.

    His voice sounded deeper than I remembered. I wondered if it was deeper than four years ago, or deeper than it was before the ¡®thing¡¯.

    ¡°Here¡¯s someone I didn¡¯t expect to get a call from, today,¡± he said.

    ¡°How are you, Jamie?¡±

    ¡°It¡¯s just¡­weird to hear from you. Did something happen?¡±

    ¡°Well, I¡¯m in town and I thought I could get in touch.¡±

    He sounded genuinely surprised by me saying that as he stayed quiet for a moment. Then he countered:

    ¡°How was Hawaii?¡±

    ¡°It was good. How about I tell you all about it at a cup of coffee?¡±

    Too much? He didn¡¯t seem to think so. He said yes. We met at a coffee shop not far from the campus.

    He hesitated when he saw me, but I gave him a hug and a quick peck on the cheek. He looked good. More mature than last time, of course. Healthy, but stressed out. This wasn¡¯t easy for him.

    ¡°What happened to your lip?¡±

    It was starting to swell.

    ¡°Oh, you know, domestic violence.¡±

    He looked petrified. I just shook my head:

    ¡°I¡¯m just kidding. I¡¯ve taken up kickboxing.¡±

    ¡°Oh really?¡±

    ¡°Yeah, but I still need a couple of lessons.¡±

    We took a sip of our drinks, just measuring each other up. His eyes were questioning me like they¡¯d want to ask: ¡°why are we here?¡± I had to break the silence:

    ¡°A couple of new grey hairs in the beard, there, guy?¡±

    Hearing me using his pet-name startled him. I cringed. It just slipped. I began wondering if this was a bad idea and I was causing him harm. He did seem to recompose himself after a minute and smiled. There it was, that killer smile!

    ¡°Nothing you haven¡¯t seen before,¡± he replied.

    I chuckled.

    ¡°How are things?¡±

    ¡°Things are good, I guess,¡° he said. ¡°I get by. Been travelling a lot these past years.¡±

    ¡°I gather you went on with your ¡®investments¡¯? I asked, doing the thing with my fingers.

    ¡°What was that?¡± he asked, frowning.

    ¡°What?¡±

    ¡°The air quotes,¡± he said, imitating me.

    I blinked. I wasn¡¯t sure if he was making fun of me or actually getting angry. I had to make a call and stick with it.

    ¡°You know, it¡¯s just a thing that you do,¡± I said, doing it again.

    ¡°Just, stop it, it¡¯s silly,¡± he replied, trying hard to hold back a smile.

    I still had it!

    ¡°What, this?¡± I asked, again doing the air quotes.

    ¡°Yes, that!¡±

    ¡°But why, does it annoy you? Or am I just embarrassing you?¡±

    ¡°Unbelievable!¡± he burst out giggling.

    I grabbed his hand and cried:

    ¡°I missed you!¡±

    He paused. Looked at me carefully.

    ¡°How¡¯s the family?¡±

    The family was good. I had two beautiful children, Kara and Mike, and a loving partner in Theo. I decided not to take up on his marriage proposal, but instead to give a chance to our baby and see what happens next. And that¡¯s pretty much what ended up happening. I made sure the accident I had suffered originally, never happened. So, I was able to welcome Kara into the world. Rediscovering Theo was also a treat and he did the best he could to make me happy. And he was...is, actually, a great dad. Things went on so well that I got pregnant again. A while later we had Mike. A happy family for the most part.

    I had managed to get what I wanted from this experience. Prevent the accident and be able to have children. I was beyond happy. And it wasn¡¯t just that. I had managed to save Kara. Kara was supposed to be born the first time around, when the accident had happened. I could have remained with Jamie instead and have our own kids, right? That would have been easy. But the day my father passed, I realized that I needed to save her, specifically. I needed to save Kara. She was getting a second chance from me. And she could only exist as the child of Nat and Theo.

    Where was Jamie in my heart and head this whole time? I was still in love with him. I¡¯m not going to lie, having the kids made it all worth it. Having Theo by my side made it bearable, as well. But I couldn¡¯t help but feel that I was not being 100% dedicated to him when Jamie was always somewhere in my thoughts, like a faraway prize that I was going to get later.

    So that was my crazy plan that I had agreed upon with Jamie (reluctantly, in his case) at my father¡¯s grave. I wanted to correct certain mistakes of my past, make my life better while also trying to not completely disrupt what I knew of the world. Could we have prevented wars, pandemics, unnecessary deaths and other tragedies? Perhaps. But, at least speaking for myself, I was too selfish and I had only one burning desire with everything else a nice bonus ¨C save Kara, get to raise her and enjoy being a mom, as I should have been from the start.

    I honestly believed that, at some point, me and Jamie will end up back together, whether it was going to be 2018 or 2024 or whenever.

    I went through some of this stuff with Jamie that day.

    ¡°So, for how long are you staying?¡±

    ¡°Just a couple more days,¡± I replied.

    ¡°Are you in town with business?¡±

    ¡°Our business, Jamie.¡±

    ¡°You mean¡­?¡±

    ¡°I spoke with Emily.¡±

    ¡°Emily?¡±

    ¡°Yes, remember her? She was going to become a physician. Well, she is one, now.¡±

    He didn¡¯t know what to say. I realized that he was expecting something else from me. Did I crush his heart?

    ¡°Are you two ¨C friends again?¡±

    ¡°Unfortunately, not,¡± I said, biting my lip by habit and wincing from the pain. I did try to talk to her about what happened to the two of us. She thought I was insane, obviously. She gave me this, though.¡±

    I handed him the magazine.

    ¡°I managed to get one useful thing from it. It suggests that whatever phenomenon took place and affected the two of us, might still linger there, at the point of origin. It¡¯s all theoretical, of course.¡±

    ¡°Point of origin? You mean, the house? Our house?¡±

    ¡°Yep. Have you ever been back there?¡±

    ¡°No. I bought a fancier house downtown.¡±

    ¡°Impressive!¡±

    ¡°Yeah, all possible because of this,¡± he gesticulated, making the air quotes. I smiled. ¡°So, what are you expecting to find there?¡± he asked.

    ¡°I have no idea.¡±

    ¡°What did Emily say?¡±

    ¡°We¡­uhm¡­never reached that point in our conversation.¡±

    ¡°You didn¡¯t actually start taking kickboxing lessons, did you?¡±

    ¡°I might, if I run into Emily again.¡±

    ¡°Do you want to go and check out the area, together?¡±

    ¡°Why not? Let¡¯s do it.¡±

    We got into his car, his obnoxiously pretty car and started towards our old home.

    ¡°My guy, how much money do you have?¡±

    ¡°Enough to get by,¡± he answered. ¡°You know, I did a bit of research myself ¨C on what happened to us.¡±

    ¡°Please do share,¡± I replied.

    ¡°All theoretical, of course.¡± I rolled my eyes. ¡°We might have experienced a collision between our dimension and this one. So it¡¯s not that we travelled through time, but we just got transported into another version of our world.¡±

    ¡°Where did you read this, The Ultimate Marvel comic book collection?¡±

    ¡°I¡¯m serious. It¡¯s more plausible that we¡¯ve been transported to a similar universe than actual time travel.¡±

    ¡°But it¡¯s not similar. It¡¯s the same. Everything happens in the same way, right?¡±

    ¡°Except that it doesn¡¯t. Us being aware of the whole thing already makes a change on how things unfold. It¡¯s already different from what we initially lived through. Not to mention all the changes we¡¯ve made.¡±

    ¡°That¡¯s just paradoxical nonsense,¡± I said. ¡°Given the chance, would you go back? Go back to that day in 2024 and forget everything you¡¯ve done here?¡± I asked.

    He knew what my answer would be. He sat there, driving and thinking.

    ¡°Probably not,¡± he said.

    ¡°How so?¡±

    ¡°If the theory I read is correct, we didn¡¯t time travel as much as we transported to somewhere else, which means that we¡¯re no longer there, in our original world. So, I wouldn¡¯t return, no.¡±

    ¡°Because you wouldn¡¯t have the money and this fancy ass car?¡±

    ¡°No, because you wouldn¡¯t be there anymore.¡±

 THEN. V

    Him

    ¡°You want some sugar with that?¡±

    I had my mouth full of cookies. I nodded.

    Mom looked back at me with satisfaction. She loved having me at her place and serve me food.

    ¡°You could come over more often, you know,¡± she added. ¡°It does get lonely from time to time.¡±

    ¡°Mom, we talk on the phone all the time,¡± I try to say. But since my mouth was full, it came out more like ¡°Mmm, we talk on the phfn all the tam.¡± She got the message. She rolled her eyes:

    ¡°I get it, I¡¯m not as interesting as these young ladies you¡¯re seeing. But I never said you should come over alone. Bring them along. Bring them all at the same time, for all I care. Up to you how you sell the story.¡±

    I finally managed to swallow with a noisy gulp.

    ¡°Mom, it¡¯s just Natalie. I¡¯m not seeing anyone else. We¡¯re together now.¡±

    ¡°Are you sure?¡±

    ¡°Very sure.¡±

    She liked to make fun of me, saying that I brought too many girls at home to meet her and that she couldn¡¯t keep up when a new one entered the equation. It was a recurrent joke of hers. She probably only met three or four of my girlfriends.

    ¡°Ok. Then is it okay for me to say that I¡¯m glad Christine is gone?¡±

    I looked up at her, curious. This wasn¡¯t the first time she¡¯d say something like that to me. It was, however, the first time she had something to say about Christine. She¡¯d usually wait for them to get out of the picture before starting to complain about whatever she didn¡¯t like.

    ¡°I guess it¡¯s okay,¡± I said cautiously.

    ¡°Great, because she was an odd one. She never seemed right to me. Very arrogant, maybe? Yeah, I don¡¯t know. She was also dressing too skimpy for my taste, as if she had something to prove. I bet she only kept you with her for so long with sex!¡±

    She looked back at me, waiting for a reaction. I had pulled my phone and I was scrolling bored.

    ¡°What, are you done?¡± I asked.

    ¡°Am I wrong?¡±

    ¡°I don¡¯t know, are you? I never heard you say this before.¡±

    ¡°I didn¡¯t want you to think I¡¯m disapproving of her, or anything...¡±

    ¡°Right, how could I ever get that idea?¡±

    ¡°¡­but really, Jamie, what was with all that cleavage? I mean, we get it, you have boobs. Good for you! But there¡¯s no need to shove them into our faces all the time!¡±

    ¡°Didn¡¯t you ¡®Like¡¯ a photo of hers on Facebook the other day?¡±

    ¡°It was a good photo. A very nice bathing suit, too,¡± she added while grabbing her breasts, trying to imitate Christine¡¯s size.

    ¡°She didn¡¯t shove them into anyone¡¯s face. Except maybe mine.¡±

    That wasn¡¯t entirely true.

    ¡°Oh, please. Remember that Thanksgiving dinner? Your uncle Steve could barely get through the first course, what with his eyes almost popping out of his sockets.¡±

    ¡°Maybe that was more of an uncle Steve problem?¡±

    She laughed, poured herself some coffee and sat down.

    ¡°Ah, maybe you¡¯re right. You know, your dad was like Steve in that regard. Couldn¡¯t keep his eyes off beautiful women. It¡¯s what got him killed, in the end, I think.¡±

    I started coughing, chocking with some cookie crumbles.

    ¡°Mom, he died of cancer.¡±

    ¡°Well, that was his excuse, anyway.¡±

    Mom ¨C she likes to say funny things. I get that after her. Can you tell?

    ¡°It was sheer coincidence that his oncologist just happened to be some tall blonde driving a Porsche? I think not!¡±

    ¡°Right, so he decided to fake having cancer and then the lie got so big that he decided to die from the fake cancer?¡±

    ¡°We will never know, dear. You know what I always say¡­¡±

    Another one of her recurring jokes was that dad had been cheating her throughout their marriage. I never knew if it was just her telling silly stories or if there was a grain of truth from all that.

    She¡¯d been a widow for fifteen years when I had started dating Nat. We lost him back when I was in high school. It was hard on both of us, obviously. But she took it upon herself to never make the event the tragedy that would define our lives. He¡¯d been a loving father and husband. We missed him dearly. We wanted to live on happily. So, she liked to tell all these (mostly exaggerated) stories about him. Making fun at his expense. Somehow, it was easier than give into the grieving and treat it with seriousness.

    Ensure your favorite authors get the support they deserve. Read this novel on the original website.

    ¡°¡­He made sure I was old and wrinkly before he died. He wanted to make sure no other man would ever want to replace him.¡±

    ¡°Mom, c¡¯mon,¡± I replied.

    ¡°He¡¯s dead, Jamie, he won¡¯t care, regardless if it¡¯s true or not.¡± ¨C that¡¯s what she¡¯d say.

    She was never truly disrespectful (if you ask me), it always in good fun and it all came from a place of love and longing of the good old days.

    ¡°In any case, I didn¡¯t come here to talk about Christine nor about dad. I was curious on how you felt about Natalie.¡±

    It had been her birthday, a couple of weeks before. I decided to bring Nat to meet her. It went alright. Not sure what to say more. If you were expecting a rom-com-like story inserted here, well¡­I don¡¯t have one. As per her usual, mom was well behaved, kept most of her dark jokes to herself. She¡¯d only let herself go in my presence.

    ¡°So, what did you think?¡±

    I could see on her face she couldn¡¯t wait to be asked.

    ¡°She seems wonderful, Jamie,¡± she replied smiling. ¡°Pretty enough. A bit too tall, maybe? Does she tower over you if she wears high heels?¡±

    ¡°I don¡¯t know¡­maybe?¡±

    ¡°Bummer but what can you do? You take after your father in that regard. He was kind of short too. It¡¯s why he couldn¡¯t work in the military.¡±

    There she went again. I started scrolling through my phone again.

    ¡°Are her parents rich?¡±

    ¡°I don¡¯t know. I don¡¯t think so.¡±

    ¡°Well, so you two still have to work for a living.¡±

    I burst out laughing.

    ¡°What else would we do?¡±

    ¡°Well, you¡¯re both still young and good looking. I heard on tv about this new website, you can do adult videos and get paid for it.¡±

    Now I was baffled.

    ¡°You want us to do porn?¡±

    ¡°If it pays,¡± she answered shrugging her shoulders. Does she look good, naked?¡±

    ¡°Mom¡­¡±

    ¡°I bet Christine would be good on that website. Especially with that suit on.¡±

    She was relentless.

    I took her hands, made her look into my eyes.

    ¡°Mom, I¡¯m serious. What do you think about her?¡±

    She took a moment to turn serious again.

    ¡°Look at you getting all dark and serious on me.¡±

    ¡°I¡¯m serious about her,¡± I replied.

    She looked at me impressed - ¡°I think she¡¯s great, hon. But I also think that all the girls you¡¯ve been with have been great in some way or another. You¡¯re good people, so were all your girlfriends so far. It all depends on how happy you are. If you¡¯re happy, I¡¯m happy.¡±

    I smiled.

    ¡°I¡¯m pretty happy!¡±

    **

    Her

    I was shaking. I had been a wreck that whole day leading to this moment. Now that part of the truth was out, I didn¡¯t know how to react. Jamie was quiet, his eyes fixated on something on the wall. The silence was deafening.

    He then noticed my shaking so he reached out, grabbed me gently and kissed my hands.

    ¡°I¡¯m sorry,¡± he said. ¡°It must be hard for you.¡±

    We were one year into our relationship and we were getting serious. He suggested we move in together. That sounded like an amazing idea. But I still had to share something with him that was hard.

    For months I struggled between the idea of telling him everything that had happened with me and Theo (including the lost pregnancy) or just limiting the story at the simple fact that I was unable to have children (which was a direct result of the lost pregnancy episode). In the end I decided to keep the story to myself and just tell him how things were. I never mentioned Theo nor the pregnancy.

    Why? Shame, mainly. After all these years, I still felt shame for what had happened. No matter how much people tried telling me that it was not my fault and that it had just been a terrible accident, I couldn¡¯t get past the guilt. I was responsible for the baby and I failed to protect her.

    I was surrounded by supportive people. Mom, Theo, his parents. I even went into therapy, trying to convince myself that I was indeed, not responsible. It didn¡¯t work. It drove me away from them all at the time.

    Years later, I had made my peace. I was not 100% convinced, but I accepted it. When the moment came, to share with Jamie, I cowered - I was scared that telling him the whole story will bring back all the negativity and guilt that I fought so hard to suppress.

    The other part of it was fear, fear that he will leave me upon hearing it. We were serious. We felt like a family. But could we really be one without a child?

    He probably deserved to know everything, but what difference would that have made?

    ¡°I am unable to have children.¡± ¨C that was all I said.

    I braced myself for the moment he¡¯d stand up and simply leave, trying to soothe myself with the thought that, at least, I didn¡¯t tell him to whole dreadful story. That would have made me feel even worse.

    It didn¡¯t happen, of course. I told you - my guy was special.

    ¡°How do you feel about adoption?¡± he asked during our first weekend living together.

    I had always been reluctant at the concept. It was probably rooted in the same guilt that I bathed in since the lost pregnancy. But somehow, with Jamie at my side, it made sense. It made total sense. So, I felt unsure, scared but open to the idea.

    We decided to prepare for the moment we¡¯d take that decision. That¡¯s how we got the cat ¨C Penelope.

    We loved her so much that it fascinates me to this day. It started as a hobby and it ended up occupying such an important part in our hearts, that I become overwhelmed with emotion just thinking about her.

    I could tell you stories about Penelope for days without an end. She really was just a fun and adorable cat to be around and it simply enriched our lives. At times it was also so exhausting that we got scared. If it was so difficult with a cat, how will he handle a kid?

    Jamie used to joke on the topic, saying that ¡°We need to train the cat to help us with the baby.¡±

    But we never got to take the decision. We always found a reason not to, albeit work, the pandemic, wanting to escape after the pandemic etc. But it always there, in the back of our minds. Our big plan. One day, we were going to implement it. There was no rush. One funny moment was when we had Anne, Jamie¡¯s mother, visit us for dinner. We told her about the plan and how one day we¡¯ll get to put it into motion.

    I remember her sitting in the armchair, Penelope in her lap. She was happy to see us being so lively about it. She knew about me. I knew she did. I had always wondered how bothered she really was about it. She never gave me a reason to feel nervous about it, but still the thought persisted that because of me, she¡¯d never get to be a grandmother, not in the conventional sense, anyway. It made me doubt myself and made me feel like less of a woman.

    I still have that image in my mind, of her looking at me, gently caressing the cat. It should have been a happy memory. The vibe then was nothing but happy. But for some reason it stirred something else in me.

 NOW. VI

    Him

    ¡°Remember how overwhelmed we were when we first got Penelope?¡±

    ¡°Yeah,¡± I answered.

    ¡°It¡¯s like that but¡­on steroids. It¡¯s like having fifty Penelopes.

    ¡°I can imagine¡­¡±

    ¡°You barely get any sleep the first few years. The mood swings are crazy. Everything, and I mean ¨C everything, revolves around them. Before you know it, it¡¯s been two days since you had a shower, a week since you washed your hair, eight months since you¡¯ve watched a film. Two years later you ask yourself ¨C who the hell am I, anymore?¡±

    I nodded silently, still driving.

    ¡°But at the end of the day, it makes sense. It feels right. It makes you happy. Then it gets better. They grow up a bit and you find the time to find yourself again. To mind other things.¡±

    ¡°I believe you, Nat. No regrets. I didn¡¯t expect anything else.¡±

    ¡°But?¡±

    ¡°But what?¡± I asked.

    ¡°There¡¯s a ¡®but¡¯ in there. What do you want to say?¡±

    ¡°Nothing.¡±

    ¡°Jamie ¨C ¡°

    ¡°It¡¯s nothing, what do you want me to say?¡±

    ¡°It¡¯s like you understand what I¡¯m saying, but you don¡¯t necessarily agree.¡±

    I was growing irritated and I was driving. Not a good combination. I truly understood her state, her feeling so fulfilled. I got why she decided to do things this way. What I didn¡¯t understand was why she was so clueless as to why I couldn¡¯t share her enthusiasm.

    ¡°Of course, I don¡¯t agree, Nat. When looking at it in a vacuum, I¡¯m happy for you, sure. But at the same time, I can¡¯t stop thinking that we had the chance to have that together, but you instead chose not to have that with me. You went back to Theo.¡±

    ¡°But I explained this to you¡­¡±

    ¡°Yeah, you did. But just because this weird concept works for you, it doesn¡¯t mean it works for me. Listen ¨C we were together. We were happy. Some weird shit happened and as a response to that, you chose to throw it all away for a do-over. You totally embraced this ¡®I¡¯m 18 again!¡¯ thing like nothing ever happened between the two of us. Like it didn¡¯t really matter, because you wanted to fix everything from before independently ¨C like you were scared of some weird butterfly effect thing all of a sudden. But not with me. You basically told me ¨C wait your turn, it¡¯s not 2018 yet. Sorry, but I am not able to compartmentalize things like this. I just can¡¯t forget that you exist, that we had something together and that I need to wait for us to align to the original timeline, as if that matters in anyway.

    I paused, sighing and drawing my breath.

    ¡°Here¡¯s how I see it, Nat. I completely agree with fixing the mistakes of our past, but you don¡¯t get to pick and choose like that ¨C there are things that you were adamant to change, while others you preferred to keep, somehow thinking you¡¯ll end up in the same place, but better, stronger, happier.¡±

    This tale has been unlawfully obtained from Royal Road. If you discover it on Amazon, kindly report it.

    ¡°I will not ask forgiveness for saving my daughter¡¯s life.¡±

    ¡°Maybe we were meant to have a daughter of our own instead, Nat. Ever think about that? Maybe you simply sacrificed one kid for another.¡±

    ¡°Maybe we can still have that. We could still be together, as we were originally.¡±

    ¡°But we¡¯re not the same people that we were ¨C originally. We¡¯ve already changed, Nat. What makes you think that two years from now we¡¯ll just find ourselves in the position to decide that it¡¯s time to start again?¡±

    ¡°It¡¯s what I¡¯m working towards,¡± she said, tears in her eyes. ¡°You don¡¯t believe me?¡±

    ¡°I don¡¯t know,¡± I said. ¡°I believe that you believe it, but I don¡¯t think it¡¯s realistic. Two years from now ¨C will you just decide to leave Theo, put your kids through a breakup ¨C all that in order to suddenly be with someone with whom you haven¡¯t lived in I don¡¯t know how many years? No matter how hard you try to deny it, Nat, the truth is ¨C we¡¯re not the same people. Our bodies may have turned younger again, but our minds didn¡¯t.¡±

    ¡°So you don¡¯t trust me,¡± she replied.

    ¡°I pray and live every day for the strength to trust you and the hope of ending up back together but every day I¡¯m scared that fragile plan will die a painful death.¡±

    She touched my hand:

    ¡°You don¡¯t have to be scared. You can trust me - I will make this work!¡±

    ¡°It¡¯s not you that I doubt, Nat. It¡¯s me! Has it ever crossed your mind that maybe in 2018 I will not be there, anymore? You may be there, ready to start again, but I may not. Did that ever occur to you?

    ¡°Of course,¡± she replied. ¡°Every day.¡±

    ¡°So, you still think this was the best decision?¡±

    **

    Her

    ¡°So, you still think this was the best decision?¡±

    Doubt and fear consumed me at that point. I finally admitted that yes, no matter how na?ve I was ¨C I feared losing Jamie for good. I feared that every day.

    So how did I live with that? I closed my eyes and could simply see the faces of Kara and Mike ¨C that¡¯s what kept me going. That fear had always been kept under control by my kids. They made everything easier.

    ¡°It¡¯s too late to think about whether it was a good decision or not,¡± I answered after a while. ¡°It¡¯s done. And no matter how many regrets I may have about us, about not saving dad, about everything else ¨C they pale in comparison with having Kara and Mike.¡±

    ¡°I respect that,¡± said Jamie. ¡°At the same time, you should respect that I disagree and that I think it was a mistake.¡±

    He parked the car.

    ¡°Here we are. What do you expect to see?¡±

    ¡°Let¡¯s just go and take a look.¡±

    We got out of the car and walked a few steps until we reached the front of our house back in 2018. It was quiet. It was a Saturday (again), so the whole neighborhood was quiet. We already were quite emotional from our talk from the car. We kept quiet. The whole vibe of that place was peculiar. The air felt¡­heavy. Electrical. As if the smallest contact would make it react. As if our presence there initiated something. I got scared. I grabbed his hand. I wondered if he could feel it too.

    Surprisingly, Jamie was actually quite calm. He did seem to be aware of something, but he didn¡¯t say anything. We just sat there for a few moments ¨C observing.

    I began reminiscing that Saturday morning, again. How we got into the car (Jamie¡¯s way less expensive car, at the time), how everything turned to white (or black?) and we suddenly found ourselves in 2012.

    I started to ask myself again ¨C what was the meaning behind it? Why did it happen to us? For that and every other question ¨C a mental image of Kara and Mike would pop up in reply.

    ¡°Would you return there, right now, given the chance?¡± he asked.

    I looked at him, no reaction on my face.

    ¡°Yeah, me neither.¡±

    The wind started blowing. I squeezed his hand, bracing myself, as if something was going to happen. Something big. But nothing happened. It was just the two of us, standing there.

    ¡°Hear me out,¡± I said.

    He let my hand go, pulled out a cigarette and ignited it.

    ¡°Spring of 2018. I will be ready,¡± I said.

    He smiled bitterly.

    ¡°Let¡¯s make it symbolic. The 24<sup>th</sup> of April, since it¡¯s your birthday, let¡¯s meet here. Let¡¯s try and rekindle everything. Let¡¯s try and see this thing through. We can then sit and decide if it was all worth it.¡±

    He looked back at me for a long while.

    ¡°Okay,¡± he said, blowing some smoke. ¡°I¡¯ll be here.¡±

 THEN. VI

    Him

    ¡°Be honest, what do you think?¡±

    ¡°I¡¯m impressed!¡±

    ¡°Really?¡±

    ¡°Of course.¡±

    I looked back at her reluctantly. It wasn¡¯t like her to be so positive from the get go. Something was up.

    ¡°Why are you impressed?¡± I asked her.

    ¡°Because it¡¯s a huge step!¡±

    ¡°Yeah¡­?¡±

    ¡°And it shows you¡¯re committed and serious.¡±

    ¡°Dead serious!¡± I added.

    ¡°That¡¯s great, hon. She¡¯s a great girl. I think you¡¯ll both be happy for many years. I¡¯m really happy for you!¡±

    Many years. A bit cynical perhaps?

    ¡°I¡¯m happy too, mom, but that¡¯s not what I¡¯m asking!¡±

    ¡°Oh?¡±

    ¡°The ring itself, I¡¯m asking what you think about the ring.¡±

    ¡°Oh! Of course! Silly me,¡± she replied.

    She paused again. It was starting to irk me.

    ¡°So?¡±

    ¡°What?¡±

    ¡°The ring, woman!¡±

    ¡°It¡¯s nice, Jamie, don¡¯t worry about it!¡±

    ¡°It¡¯s nice?¡±

    ¡°It¡¯s nice!¡±

    ¡°Would you say ¡®yes¡¯ to a ring like that?¡±

    ¡°Depends on who¡¯s asking¡­¡±

    ¡°You¡¯ve got to be kidding me!¡±

    ¡°If it would have been your dad, I would say ¡®yes¡¯.¡±

    ¡°Great!¡±

    ¡°If it would be someone else, I¡¯d ask whether they really mean it. Is it more on the cheap side?¡±

    This novel is published on a different platform. Support the original author by finding the official source.

    I sighed. There she was. She never failed to disappoint.

    ¡°It¡¯s called being on a budget.¡±

    ¡°What if you hadn¡¯t bought those fancy sneakers, then what would it have been called?¡±

    ¡°I thought you liked the sneakers.¡±

    ¡°They¡¯re great, hon, but 500$, really now? Were they actually worn by Michael Jordan or they just slapped his name on them? C¡¯mon, now, you¡¯re looking to get married, right?¡±

    ¡°Unbelievable! I knew I should have spoken with Jon instead!¡±

    ¡°Oh, what does he know!¡± she snapped back at me.

    ¡°He¡¯s my best friend!¡±

    ¡°Pfff!¡±

    I nodded in disappointment. I just couldn¡¯t win with her. And she was far from finished:

    ¡°Maybe you should return this. I could burrow you some money and get a proper ring.¡±

    ¡°I don¡¯t want to burr¨C¡° I stopped. ¡°What do you mean by ¡®proper¡¯? Is it that bad?

    ¡°Don¡¯t worry, hon, it¡¯s non-refundable. The loan, I mean.¡±

    ¡°Ok, we¡¯re done here. I¡¯ll take you home.

    I called the waiter and asked for the check. When he brought it, mom intervened:

    ¡°Please, sir, I will pay. My beloved son, here, needs to invest in jewelry.¡±

    **

    Her

    ¡°Oh no!¡± exclaimed Emily.

    ¡°It wasn¡¯t that bad, calm down!¡±

    ¡°Poor guy!¡±

    ¡°Oh don¡¯t ¡®poor guy¡¯ him. He¡¯s my guy, and he¡¯s fine. He probably half-expected it.¡±

    ¡°Natalie, he proposed and you said ¡®no¡¯! You broke his heart! He¡¯ll probably never get an erection from you, again.¡±

    ¡°His heart is fine and he will always have mine, I just don¡¯t need the silly paper to prove it. His erection is fine, too. I checked shortly after.¡±

    Emily placed her face in her hands, all dramatically.

    ¡°You¡¯re just something else!¡±

    ¡°Look who¡¯s talking.¡±

    ¡°Em ¨C real talk. I know you always said that you¡¯re not into the idea of marriage. But I just thought you were full of shit, because no one was asking you at the time. Like all women say that, until they¡¯re actually asked.¡±

    I sat back in my chair, looking at her with some satisfaction. There was a compliment hidden there somewhere.

    ¡°And out of all the guys to do this to ¨C poor Jamie!¡±

    ¡°Should I bring you a violin?¡± I asked.

    ¡°Poor, handsome, clever Jamie.¡±

    ¡°Do you want to accept his proposal, instead?¡±

    That made her change gears:

    ¡°Was it romantic? Did he do something romantic?¡±

    I rolled my eyes.

    ¡°Yes, he did.¡±

    ¡°Oh my god, what was it?¡±

    ¡°We were watching this film ¨C Jerry Maguire,¡± I said.

    ¡°Oh no!¡±

    ¡°And he popped the question at the same time as Tom Cruise in the film.¡±

    ¡°You were supposed to do the ¡°You had me at ¡®Hello¡¯!¡±

    ¡°I know!¡±

    ¡°But you didn¡¯t, you heartless shrew!¡±

    ¡°I¡¯m not Renee Zellweger,¡± I shrugged.

    Did I call Emily dramatic, earlier? She was being melodramatic. She was being hysterical.

    ¡°What if it really mattered to him?¡± she asked after a while.

    ¡°It should matter to the both of us just as much. Listen, it doesn¡¯t mean anything. I still want to live and be with this guy for as long as humanly possible. And if we ever change our minds about it, no amounts of silly papers should weigh into our decisions.¡±

    ¡°You¡¯re scared of that silly paper, aren¡¯t you?¡± she asked me bemused.

    ¡°Terrified!¡±

    We laughed and laughed.

    ¡°It will be ok, I concluded. We¡¯ll be fine as we are!¡±

 EPILOGUE

    Him

    I don¡¯t usually drink. But I was drunk then. But trust me, I don¡¯t usually drink.

    I was laying down on some exotic beach, I forget which. Might have been Cuba, but it could also have been Hawaii. They all turn into a blur after a while (not a bad problem to have, right? I certainly am not complaining, don¡¯t get me wrong). I sat there, watching the stars, enjoying the noise of the ocean. By my side was my phone and the bottle of rum. It kept throwing notifications from time to time. The phone, I mean, not the rum. ¡®Ringing¡¯ rum. Now that would be funny.

    I felt odd. For the first time in years, I felt¡­at ease. Since going back (get it?) it was the first time I could remember when my heart and my mind weren¡¯t rushing. No panic. No stress. No anxiety. Just¡­being in the moment. It felt so surreal that I couldn¡¯t process it. I kept expecting that whole wave of fear and uncertainty to come rushing back. But it didn¡¯t. Everything felt safe. Everything felt quiet.

    How can I explain it? It was as if, for the first time since the thing happened, I was able to not fight it. No struggle, no random thoughts on how to fix whatever I had thought was broken. It was like my whole body finally accepted who I was and where I was. It was just me, being present, in that moment, on that beautiful (albeit unknown) beach. Now that I think about it, that feeling started way before. I just didn¡¯t want to admit it. I just hid it. Did it start back when Nat refused my proposal? The sensation did feel similar. Nevertheless, it was finally over.

    I took another sip.

    I¡¯m not sure what else I can share from that moment. For the past six years or so, I had hoped that somehow things would go back to how they were before. We all know that was impossible. It had been impossible since the day I chose to place bets on sporting events of which I already knew the upcoming result. That started the path I took towards building a fortune. That never happened the first time around. So how could other things go back to how they were? How could I? I would never be that guy again. It wasn¡¯t just me that changed. The whole world changed, no matter how similar it felt at times. But still, at the back of my mind, I kept that hope. It was a lie, of course. But it was a lie that I kept hoping to become reality. Somehow. That hope turned into an obsession that would not give me any kind of peace.

    At times I acknowledged that it was an obsession and no matter the outcome, I wouldn¡¯t come out well out of it. But it was impossible to get rid of it. I don¡¯t know if I ever really tried to, but I knew for sure that nevertheless, it had always felt impossible.

    You could almost say that I grew up. Finally, no longer a na?ve child. Ha, Jamie Adams grew up!

    Another drink from the bottle.

    Now it was over and it felt weird. Easy. Too easy? Too easy! Anti-climactic almost. As I said, before, it felt impossible to get out of that obsession. But at that moment I realized that I found it impossible to ever look back.

    Good or bad, I had finally moved on.

    Another sip.

    I don¡¯t usually drink. You have to believe me. But that night¡­That night I was celebrating. Good or bad. Hurt feelings. Damage done. Lives changed forever. All these things summed up - did not matter anymore. It was finally over.

    I felt her get close.

    ¡°Don¡¯t keep it all to yourself,¡± she said.

    I passed her the bottle. She took a seat by my side and tasted the drink herself. She then put it down, touched my face and kissed me.

    I expected a new rush of conflicting feelings that would get me back to that awful place. No sign. I was truly free. I write this to you as a free man, at peace with my fate and my life. I started telling you this story in hope that there will be a definite message at the end of my story. There isn¡¯t. Not to me, at least. You may draw one from what you read, please do.

    Stolen story; please report.

    ¡°Happy birthday, my love,¡± she said.

    **

    People go missing all the time. At first, we worry for the missing people and we dread their fate, wondering, sometimes in horror, at what might have happened to them and where they might have ended up. With time, our feelings leave the missing ones behind ¨C like our brains are trying to simplify the whole ordeal ¨C they might be dead, but that still leaves us. It¡¯s awful what might have happened to them, but what about us? What will happen to us now, not knowing? We are selfish, for in the end, the lack of understanding weighs more than the idea of them being taken away. You were terrified for them in the beginning. Now you just dread not having any closure.

    You can only die once, but you can live in fear and uncertainty all your life. Dying¡¯s easy, it¡¯s living that¡¯s hard ¨C that¡¯s what a fortune cookie will tell you.

    On Saturday, May 24<sup>th</sup>, 2024, Jamie Adams and Natalie Fisher, a couple living together in the suburbs of a university town from the west coast, had vanished. They were supposed to meet up with their friends for shopping but they never turned up.

    The authorities were called in on Monday, May 26<sup>th</sup>, as the friends grew worried from their lack of contact, unaware of their whereabouts.

    It was Emily Jordan, a friend and colleague of Natalie Fisher, that went to the house of the missing couple to see what had happened to the two. Not seeing any sign of them at the house, she decided to call in their disappearance to the police.

    The families of the two were notified but neither of their mothers or any other close relatives could reliably suggest where the two might have gone.

    When recalling the morning of their disappearance to the police, one neighbor ¨C Daniel Cruz, mentioned that he did see them get out of the house, as they waived ¡®Hello¡¯ at him. He didn¡¯t pay attention on whether they got into the car or not, as he was walking his dog across from them, headphones on. Another neighbor, Sandra Patterson, recalled that she did see the car of the couple back up from their alleyway, but didn¡¯t pay attention as to who was driving and couldn¡¯t confirm on whether Adams and Fisher were in the car.

    There were two traffic cameras that could have caught the car leaving the area of the house (a couple of streets away, from either side) but neither returned any footage showing what might have happened with the car and/or the couple.

    Upon inspecting the house of the missing couple, the police did not find any evidence of foul play or any other clues that could indicate to the couple¡¯s whereabouts. A smart cloud-based security camera was found inside the house. Its footage analyzed, the police were able to confirm that the two did leave the house on Saturday, corroborating Daniel Cruz¡¯s recollection. But they did not, at any point after, return.

    The friends and families of both Adams and Fisher were questioned. The consensus was that they were a happy couple, with no history of domestic violence, enemies or any other past evidence that may indicate any potential for foul play, either between them or by someone from outside. The police did try to emit a couple of scenarios based on the interviews they did.

    Hypothesis no.1 ¨C Adams had proposed to Fisher, asking her hand in marriage. Fisher said no. Not because she didn¡¯t want to be with him any longer, but because she didn¡¯t believe in the concept of marriage. Allegedly, this refusal did not affect their relationship to an obvious extent, however it is suspected that their disappearance might be related to this topic.

    Hypothesis no. 2 ¨C Emily Jordan disclosed that, as far as she knew, there were no former disgruntled lovers from either of their past-relationships that may have caused them any harm. She did mention that another common friend, Marie LeBeau, did make sexual advances to the two, being especially attracted to Jamie Adams. The proposal was initially targeted at Fisher, for a threesome, with Adams unaware to the whole ordeal. When asked about it, LeBeau admitted it, but said that it had been just a friendly proposal. That she was hurt in the moment by the refusal but that by no means did she hold any grudges against Fisher. No other clues were found in order to genuinely tag LeBeau as a suspect.

    Hypothesis no.3 - A statement asking for help for any leads that someone might have regarding the whereabouts of either Adams or Fisher. That way they were able to link the Adams-Fisher disappearance case with another dozens of similar cases throughout the country. There were several cases of people of various ages and backgrounds simply vanishing. Some could be verified as occurring close to the same date, the 24<sup>th</sup> of May.

    People go missing all the time. For some there are clues as to their whereabouts. For others there are not. The lack of evidence might be a clue in of itself that ties cases like these but at the same time, it could also mean that they have no connection whatsoever, it¡¯s only the lack of information and evidence that links them.

    The police speculated that whatever happened to Jamie Adams and Natalie Fisher might have also happened to others that went missing around the same date, in similar circumstances, across the country. As to what that actually was ¨C they weren¡¯t able to say for sure.

    The search continues¡­