《36 Years Old》 The now
At 36 years old, I feel like an old lady of 95 years. My body is young and strong, but my soul is ancient.
Although I have a happy life, I am not rich in money, but I am rich in love, my children''s love. They fill my heart with love every second of the day. There is nothing more beautiful and empowering in this life than being loved by your children.
What do 36 years mean in someone''s life? For some, it could mean an entire life, for some just a number, just a dream, or nothing at all.
For me, it feels like an entire life, although I know I have much more to live, to accomplish, and to see my children all grown up, settled in every aspect.
I did lots of mistakes till far, many bad decisions, and many regrets, but I know I wouldn''t be where I am if I hadn''t taken that path. Everyone makes bad decisions, but what is most important is the ability to learn from all the mistakes.
Acknowledging your own mistakes is the major step to moving forward in life, like climbing a ladder, if you put your foot on a broken step and realize that it is broken you would take your foot away and step on the next step of the ladder. That is with life as well.
I wonder how many people live in the present life, I mean live the present, the "Now". I am the type of person who tries her best to live in the present, but the past is so heavy that it pulls me back, to relive many of the moments that have passed, painful parts of my life, which really damaged my heart and especially my soul.
In the present what I can say about my soul is that I am not even sure I still have one, or I do have one, but it is kinda dark...
It is not like it used to be: a big, happy, full of sunshine soul, pure of innocence, of kindness. I used to put my soul into everything that I did and give it to anyone in my life, just because I felt that was the right thing to do, the good thing to say it better.
I carry the pain inside my soul, every single day, it is like I can never put it down for five minutes at least, so I can breathe normally... I feel the need to yell, to scream from the bottom of my lungs, to cry out all the problems that I have. But no, I keep it all inside and I am afraid that one day I might explode or do something unholy.
My children are always surrounding me so no, I won''t let my pain out, not for one second, as I do not want them to see what hides deep inside me, it is too dangerous. Too much pain has gathered, enough for an atomic bomb that can erase everything around it. I won''t hurt my children, I will sacrifice myself as any mother would do, for the happiness of my children.
They will grow up and move to their houses and then I will have the time to let it all out but drop by drop as I do not want to cause a massive hysteria. I tend to be aggressive when too much is getting out of my soul, make yelling crises, throw things, and try to hurt myself. I did this kind of stuff before I had kids, there was no reason to control myself so I would just leave it all out.
What can we do in the present other than live it? Think about what we could have done better in the past, what would be the point? Has someone invented the time machine and I am not aware of that? Or think about the future? Well, that isn''t such a bad idea, thinking about the future, but not too much, like spending all day long for a long time just thinking about it. No, you can think about the future and make a theoretical plan and try to stick with it, although I am the kind of person who would rather let myself flow with the wind. Because you can never actually know what the future will bring, what is the point of making plans if there is a high possibility of never accomplishing them?
I know what you might be thinking, that there is a good chance that the plans will come true and that it happened to many successful people. And I agree with that, I believe in equality, everyone can speak their mind, everyone can choose their path in life, and decide what is best for them. What is best for me might not work for you and what is best for you might not work for me.
What is life like at 36 years old for me? Well, I just started working on my career last year, when I was 35, now it is only at the beginning to put it like that and I enjoy working on it. I work as a Virtual Assistant on several freelancing platforms, I have recently become an author, and I have published my first book which is not for everyone, even I am surprised about what I could write, but I must say I did enjoy writing it.
I believe it is never too late to start something, find a passion, get a job, or chase a dream. Life is full of endless opportunities!
Many of you have an excellent career at 36 years old, already years of experience, and many dreams accomplished. But for the ones with a similar situation to mine, I say: "Go for it, try, fail, get up and try again, chase your dreams!"
It is amazing to be able to put my thoughts on paper, my life, my soul, and my heart.
What is the present? The now? This day, this week, this year?
For each individual, it is different; I am sure of that. Because we all are unique, there is no such thing as identical in every aspect.
God made each one of us special, perfect through our imperfections.
My opinion about what the present is, is every moment that we live, without thinking about tomorrow. Do your best now, do what you can now, and do not leave it for later or for tomorrow, just go with it!
You never know what life is gonna throw at you. You can be happy and fulfilled now, but in the next 5 minutes, something could ruin everything. Life is unexpected!
Life is short and amazing and we need to be happy about everything, even the little things, even the bad things. While we are still on this earth we need to experience all kinds of states, it is the only way to grow, to become more powerful. That is what being human is all about, experiencing the bad and the good, being grateful for absolutely all that is happening.
Some, quite many, do not get the chance to live what they live right now.
I am thankful for every day that I am on this earth. I am not successful, I am not perfectly healthy, and I am not rich, but I thank God for everything. I know better times will come and that I need to be strong and live in this moment, no matter how hard it is. Because it is really hard, it is an awful period. I am in danger of losing my home, I can barely feed my kids.
I am sure some moms will understand perfectly what it feels like to have three children and not have the ability to be certain that you will have food on the table every day.
We are all struggling in one way or another, but the most important thing is to never lose hope. That is the only thing that can keep you alive and strong when you are in the darkest part of your life.
I must admit that it is very hard, there are many times when I feel like I have lost my hope and it is like I can not see the light at the end of the tunnel. But then, all of a sudden something good happens and I get by another day safely.
The struggle is a big part of our life because it pushes us to become better, and stronger, to understand and feel the real meaning of being alive.
How lucky am I to be 36 years old? I say very lucky because I know people that would have dreamed to get to this age and live it all with good and the bad, just to live it all.
It is heartbreaking to see children that do not get to be 8 years old, so yes 36 years old can be a lifetime, it can be an end or it can be a beginning.
This is my beginning, 36 years old is my age and as I keep saying I am proud of it because I have lived more bad stuff than good, but hey I am still standing!
I am not sure if I can even describe myself properly, I will try to do this with my writing because it is since forever I have always expressed myself much better in writing in English. It may be weird, yes, because I am a native Romanian, but I always had a love for English. Since the second grade of school to be more precise, that is when I started learning English.
Who am I? Why would you be interested in reading my books, or learning about me? I have no idea, but here I am putting my soul into this keyboard I am typing from and hoping something good will come out of this book.
I have stayed hidden for too many years, I think that I want to get out of my shell. I am not sure though; I mean, I can do that from behind a screen. I can be out there.
But not in person, or a call or video call. I am way too anxious. I lose all my thoughts and I am so nervous, but I can act so good, you could swear I am so happy and fulfilled. But I am not, I am so messed up inside my soul.
Do you know who you are, I mean know? Because I don¡¯t, not yet. I am still trying to find myself and until then I just live day by day and watch my children grow. God, they grow so fast! There are times that I can not believe I do have three beautiful and intelligent children. It feels so unreal, that is because I have never thought that I will be so blessed.
I am remarried, being my second marriage. The first one didn¡¯t work out, but I will tell you more about that in the next chapter, where I will talk all about my past, well maybe not quite all that.
You may be wondering if I am happy, is the second time a lucky charm? Well to answer you, there are some times when I am happy, but most of the time I am not. The thing is I am too tired to fight or to look for someone else. And I am a busy woman, I need to take care of my children, feed them, bathe them, etc. You get the idea; then to do my job as a Virtual Assistant, and my favorite part to write.
I hope I will stick with it because I feel good doing this, I almost regret that I haven¡¯t started writing a long time ago. But I guess it is much better because now I can say I have the experience to write because I have been through so much, things I can tell you all about. Unleash my soul in black and white. It feels good!
You must be thinking that it is not easy to be a fully packaged woman, with children, a job, a husband, and no one around to help out. You are right, it is tough, but like every woman going through this kind of situation, I find my strength in my kids, they give me the power to go over everything. They are the necessary energy to pull it off in every aspect.
The best reason to live, and to have a purpose is for children, without them life is blank.
I know what you must be starting to think about: ¡°This woman writes only about her children the most, what about her, who is she? Doesn¡¯t she live her life as a woman too?¡±
My children are my life, everything I do is for them, but I also try to live life for myself. I am doing it right now typing my life out.
It was yesterday night when I decided I will start having more positive thoughts, as recently I have had quite dark ones. But I had good intentions, just not for me.
I am quite lost and I am trying to find myself, and my meaning in this life. I am way too anxious and I know that it is not healthy, there are days when I am certain I have serious issues. Maybe you are thinking that too while reading my book lol.
At the moment I am stressed out about how am I going to pay my bills on time, as I was stupid enough to gamble on them. Yes, I have a serious gambling issue and I need to cure myself of it. I just don¡¯t know how.
I have tried that once and it worked for a short amount of time until I opened a new account at a different casino where I was lucky enough from the first deposit to win some good cash. It was really helpful as I managed to pay all my bills.
I wonder many times how is it to never worry about money, health, etc. It must be nice.
Although personally, I do not believe in appearances, there is no such thing as a perfect life, there has to be a problem, even for wealthy people, they must have something to worry about, they just do not share it with the world, keeping it high classified to put it like that.
Why do some people, like myself tend to hurt themselves? What is wrong with us? Would a psychologist help us? Does talking help? I would rather be writing, it is not as if I have the money to pay for the sessions and anyway the psychologist would probably kick me out after hearing so much bullshit.
God, I am so messed up!
The difference between the old me and the present me is that I try to be better, I try to get up every day and do everything that is expected of me. I do not succeed every day, but when I do it is a victory for my soul.
I am greedy, so greedy that I threw all my money into freaking Superbet, Pokerstars, and Winbet. Yep, those are my favorite online casinos. I have never played in an agency.
I am just too desperate and hoped to win some cash for the bills and for the payments that are in my father¡¯s name. He got me some loans in his name as I can¡¯t take any loans, well I do have one small one.
So desperate that I gained the courage to ask my husband to help me out by taking a loan from a friend, with fifty percent interest. It is like taking a loan from an online bank so it is perfectly fine. Thank God that he could do it. As he just got a new job and he can¡¯t help me out at the moment.
We were so apart until last night. We had a really big fight, almost to separation. And to my surprise, he came to sit next to me while I was smoking, with tears in his eyes¡­ He asked me why we do this, fighting so badly that we almost break up. I answered him that I believe we do that because we have gone through a really bad period, recently by having food on our table because of his dad¡¯s and brother¡¯s mercy, to say it like that. If it wouldn¡¯t have been for the kids, I would have never received something out of mercy, I am way too proud to accept help. I kinda starved myself for a while and when asked why I don¡¯t eat, I would reply that I am too fat and I need to lose weight. It is partially true, I am pretty fat, but I know I will not lose weight by starving myself, that will happen over time with exercises and a healthy meal plan.
And to get back to the discussion I had with my husband, who eventually started to cry, for real, we hugged and told him that it will all be ok, struggling so I won¡¯t start crying as well. I was afraid that if I will start crying I won¡¯t be able to stop and maybe get sick. I have the tendency to hold it in for a long time and when I can¡¯t hold it anymore and cry it all out, I almost have a seizure.
After we finished our conversation, he said that he wanted to talk to the kids as well and apologize, for he yelled at them. But I said that we need to go together as it wasn¡¯t just his fault, it was mine too. There is no such thing in couples as only one is responsible for the couple''s problems. It takes two to form a couple so it takes two to maintain the relationship at a good level.
Our little boy was already asleep, so we let him be, instead, we sat down with our girls and apologized to both of them, had a group hug, telling them that everything will be alright and that we will do our best to never fight anymore, or at least not in their presence.
My daughter, who is seven and nine years old at the moment, is from my first marriage. I got divorced when they were only one and three years old. And my sweet little boy is three years old now, I had him with my actual husband.
This is my present, the life I am living at the moment if you can call it living. I rarely go out, and when I do it means going out to do some groceries, which my husband usually does every day; or when I go with my husband and kids to his dad and his brother¡¯s home. And very rare we go out to nearby cities with the kids of course.
No one can help us and stay with the kids so we can go out, just the two of us, and work on our relationship as a husband and wife.
I often wonder how come we are still together, as the couple''s life barely exists. I love that my husband doesn¡¯t give up easily on us, because if it was just me we wouldn¡¯t be together now. He always finds ways to get us close again.
I do not know about other couples, but I do know that for me and my husband, it is pretty difficult. I don¡¯t even take care of myself, put some makeup on, or wear sexy lingerie¡­
Problems, problems, and again problems¡­ Screw it! Everything will be ok, it can only get better!
After a storm, the sun makes its way through all the clouds and shines so bright! My past memories
I don¡¯t know about you, but I have many lost memories.
I have done that myself, trying to bury some nasty memories. I have buried the most, but sometimes if I try hard enough, they come to the surface. Not completely, but still, I can understand them. They are more like small pieces that need to be put together, exactly like a puzzle.
When asked, I brag that I had an amazing childhood, which I did from one point of view.
I used to play a lot of games, all kinds of games, especially outside.
It was much better when I was a child because now you don¡¯t see children playing outside, most of them are with their noses in their phones. I am sure you agree with me when I say that technology messed up a little with our children.
I do allow my children to spend time on their phones, but not as much as they would like it.
Last summer, in 2022, my daughters spent a part of their holiday with their biological father. They haven¡¯t seen eachother in about 4 years I think. Yeah, he wasn¡¯t very present in their life physically, but he did ask every day about their well-being and sent them money.
I know it is not the same and I agree, he could have done more. If we think about it we all can do more in life, we just choose not to, or something or someone is stopping us from evolving, or maybe even ourselves.
Now to get back to the last summer, where my girls said they had lots of fun. Indeed they went out a few times, but most of the time, guess where they were? You guessed, at home on their phones, or at the computer, Xbox, etc. I know for a fact that in one day they spent 8 hours on their phone, not counting the hours at the computer or Xbox.
How healthy, right? They were practically zombies when they got back home. I didn¡¯t agree, but there was nothing I could do, as I agreed to permit them to spend that month with their father.
In the end, what mattered was that they were happy.
That is the second most important, we parent care about because in the first place is that our children are healthy.
I remember how shitty my life was when I didn¡¯t have children. I was so depressed, the days would go by so slowly, and I would cry so often, always fighting with my ex-husband, even when he was far away from work.
I got married at 21 years old, after almost three years of relationship. I was so loved that I was believed at that moment. That wasn¡¯t love, I think it was more addiction, being afraid not to be alone.
I got pregnant with my first daughter at 26 years old. It is not like we didn¡¯t try, it just didn¡¯t happen. I had a saying when people would ask me when will I have a child, I would reply: ¡± When God will want me to¡±.
I remember how happy I was when I saw those two beautiful lines on the pregnancy test!
It was a difficult pregnancy. I was so sick that I stayed in bed for the first three months. Tough delivery, but when I saw those beautiful brown eyes, everything went away. It was all worth it.
With my second daughter, I got pregnant at 28 years old, it was a little bit easier to carry this pregnancy. The thing is that my ex-husband wasn¡¯t happy with the news that we would have a second baby, but I was beyond excited and so happy.
Giving birth to her was quite easy, three pushes and out she was. Even the midwives were surprised and told me that this must have been the fastest birth they have ever assisted.
Giving birth is something magical, lots of pain indeed, no matter if you give birth naturally or through a C-section, there still is pain and a tough period to overcome.
Even though enduring everything, when you hear and touch and smell your baby for the first time, every bad thought or pain fades away. You become stronger, tougher, and ready to raise your child the best way you can. And I am writing this from my own experience, as I have given birth three times and I have gone through some difficult times, but it was all worth it every single time.
I have never really sat down and thought deeply about all that I have been through, I guess I was always too afraid that it would be too much or just didn¡¯t care.
To make a big picture of the bad in my life, I can say this:
  • I have been more sad than happy
  • I have suffered out of love in every single relationship I have ever had
  • Now for this, it is hard to write it down, but I will anyway and I won¡¯t get into much detail as I am not ready yet: I have been sexually molested for many years¡­ ( I am aware that is the main reason I am so broken. I have hidden it so deep inside my soul that I even made myself believe it was never real. I do not know how exactly the brain works but I can tell you for sure that by putting those ugly, nasty memories in my Pandora''s box as I call it, I have lost many memories along with it. I am 36 years old but it still hurts so bad when the memories come back¡­ It is more than hard. I hope one day I will be completely healed, if there is such a thing, after being abused in so many ways for so many years¡­)
  • I have been used numerous times
  • I have never understood ( Maybe it is because I like to think outside the box. I am not the kind of person who does what the rest of the world does, never been like that. I like to do things my way. I do shift personalities pretty fast too so, yes it is hard to keep up. But come on now, I can not be the only one who is like that, I am not a damn alien or god knows what!)
  • I have made lots of bad decisions
  • I have lost most of my opportunities
  • And so on¡­.
  • But hey, it is not all bad in life, we need to see past everything, so here is the good that has come in my life:
  • My grandparents, may they rest in peace! (They have raised me and loved me so much! I lost my grandma when I was 19, I still regret that I wasn¡¯t closer to her, as a friend¡­ She was an amazing woman, so strong, so loving! About my grandpa, you have never met a man like him. He was beyond amazing! He had a golden heart, he would make you laugh every day with his jokes, even if you would have been in a really bad shape, trust me that he would have made you laugh. God, how much that man loved me, he was more than a grandpa, more than a father, he was my guardian angel. I lost him last year, on 10th June 2022¡­ Covid they said, but he wouldn¡¯t even go outside¡­ I still feel him around me¡­ His love for me was infinite, he lived for me to have a good life¡­ I could feel his love, so honest, so sincere, he would have done anything for me. Now I have no one to make me feel that way, not my parents, not my husband, not my kids¡­.)
  • My three children, the light of my life, the reason I am not ending my life (I know I would be a coward to do that, but trust me there are days when I feel that I would be capable of just shoveling a knife in my stern¡­ I always feel so much pain inside my soul and sometimes I can not stand it anymore. I look at my children and I know that they need me, we all need our mothers!)
  • I can still walk, see, hear, smell, touch¡­
  • Until my twenties, I looked hot, I was happy, laughed a lot, and just lived my life.
  • What happened is that I got married and out of a sudden I just closed my connection to the world. Spent most of the time indoors, I would go out just to do the groceries, and I would carry everything, no matter how heavy it was.
  • My first husband would stay at home and play on the computer. How nice, right? Oh well, it was fine, or not. I shed so many tears for men who didn¡¯t deserve one. I wasn¡¯t perfect either, but I have never looked for perfection in anyone. All I ever wanted was to be loved and respected. I didn¡¯t get any of that, or at least I didn¡¯t feel it. Now all I want is peace and sometimes loneliness.
  • Many dark memories, few of happiness¡­I¡¯ve been raised by my grandparents and trust me when I write this, there is no greater love that you could feel, than from the parents of your parents.
  • They have loved me and supported me all their lives and I thank them for that, even if I am not sure they can hear me from where they are now. God has decided to take back his angels, because that is what my grandma (who I always called mommy) and my grandpa, have been, angels in my life.
  • I was more than lucky to have them, I was blessed with such wonderful people to raise me!
Depression, I think
I am not sure when exactly I realized that I May be depressed.
What I remember for sure is that I have tried to end my life many times.
Not sure if I was either 14 or 15 when I first tried to do that. I was in love and I had to break up with that boy just because I was afraid that he would have broken up with me first. I did a stupid mistake and kissed another boy. What a silly girl I was!
I did love kissing boys. I used to play lots of kissing games and I always had the chance to kiss them all, how slutty of me!
I was very naive and curious for many years.
I fell in love so many times and I always ended with a broken heart. Most of the time I guess it was my fault.
But those were just teenage crushes, although the pain from the broken heart still is there. It didn''t feel like superficial love, I put all my soul into it.
That was always my mistake, I would always dive into a relationship with all my heart and soul. I was too much.
Most of the time I have tried to end my life because I couldn''t stand remembering the awful stuff that happened to me.
I was molested for several years.
The person responsible for it is still free. But I put my trust in God to put our lives in balance., a thing that some of us call karma.
I tried to forgive and move on. It worked but not for long.
I tried to run away and start a new life where no one would know me and I would forget all the bad in my life. That didn''t work either.
I know what most of you are thinking, that I should have gone to the police and I should have sought a counselor.
Easier said than done.
I was always I prade for boys and men. They have always loved the way I looked. Thankfully it is not the case anymore.
The wish I had when I was a teenager has come true.
It is not a good thing though, I do not like being overweight. It is not good for my health, I get tired easily, and so on.
I was raised by my grandparents and as I previously wrote, they were my angels. Yes, they did spoil me, I admit it.
My grandma died when I was 19 years old. I was heartbroken, I even ran away from home with my boyfriend. But I did come back home after a while because I just couldn''t stay away from my grandpa.
He died just last year, on June 10th, 2022. With his death, he took away a part of my soul. I miss him so much every single day...
He lived for me, he fought with death many times just for me.
What a wonderful man he was! More than a father, my best friend, the only one who would get me without me even talking.
I took care of him the best way I could, as he did for me my entire life.
It was very difficult to let him go...
I struggle every single day, I do my best to not show it to anyone, by putting a fake smile on my face and acting as if I am so optimistic, that everything will be ok.
Recently I have made my first post on social media about my darkest thoughts. I didn''t think that anyone would try to comfort me, but to my surprise, many people took up their time and commented encouraging things for me.
Since I become a mom for the first time, almost 9 years ago, I have never thought that I would get such a dark mind again. But the recent situation pushes me too much.
I have three amazing children, my oldest daughter Sophia will be 9 years old on May 1st, my other daughter Gilda is 7 years old and the little one Robert is 3 years old.
Thanks to them I am still alive, they are my only reason to stay alive.
I still have hope that the sun will shine again for me and that is a good sign, at least at this moment when I am feeling a little hope, on other days the hope is gone and I am holding onto it every day to be able to move forward.
Am I depressed? Have I been living with it for so many years?
I remember that I was 20 years old when I just shut all the connections with my friends for no reason.
Until then I was a happy girl, I would feel so amused if you would have just shown me your pinkie.
Sometimes I open my high school album to see what my colleagues have written to me and most of them have written that they wish for me to stay as crazy and funny for always.
So yeah, you can say that is a good proof.
They wouldn''t recognize me now anymore, what I have become. Scared to answer a call, scared to have a video call, scared to be me only if I drink some alcohol.
I do drink alcohol, I like the way it makes me feel after 2-3 glasses, it is like I am truly myself, with no shyness, no anxiety, and no depression. That state of I doesn''t give a shit if you know what I mean. It feels good, I need that feeling.
My kids are with me almost all the time, but I still fall in bad moods, like I want to scream from the bottom of my heart and let all this pain inside me get out and leave me.
I hold it in for them, I do not want to scare them so I do what I know best, and pretend that everything is fine, although my oldest daughter often realizes that I am not ok. I always do my best to assure her that everything is fine and if it isn''t it will be ok soon.
A strange thing is that when my husband is at home and not in a bad mood, I feel better, even though he doesn''t spend time with me, I just feel good knowing that he is at home.
Although we don''t get along very well, we try to make it work the best way we can.
I loved him so much at the beginning, even though he didn''t love me back, but now everything had changed as he hurt my heart too many times, I don''t feel like bringing the moon to him anymore.
Many many times I wanted to end this marriage too, but he didn''t let me, he is very decided that we can make it to be together and grow old together.
I am not so sure that is possible as I still have the urge to get him out of my life.
Maybe it is because I have always had this instinct if you could call it like that, to push away everything that might be good to me. Or I don''t know.
I''ve been in dark places before and it took me years to get to the surface. And I did it myself, with no help, no counselor, no therapist, no treatment, nada.
I know I am stubborn, I have always been that way.
What can I say, I am an Aquarius, a very independent being. I love to think outside of the box, I love to do things my way.
I would rather be the wolf than the sheep.
You could say I might be bipolar too or just very mentally unstable.
But then I ask you this: Would a mentally unstable woman be able to take care of her kids on her own?
My husband is always somewhere, either he is at work, or he goes to visit his dad and oh yeah, warm weather means time for fishing.
And when he is in the mood for going out as a family, I am not because I am too pissed that he doesn''t give us more of his time.
I know, maybe I am too harsh, but you do not know the whole story, you will if you keep reading.
So how do I manage when I am at my darkest point? How do I survive?
For example, I write, like I am doing now, or just seek a way to distract myself, like working, taking care of the kids, doing chores, spend time outside when the sun is out in the sky. Anything you can think of to just distract me.
Of course, sometimes I can not hold it inside me anymore, and then I make sure my kids are not around and I start crying and let a little of that pain that I hide, get out of me.
Then I wipe my tears, run to the bathroom and wash my face, and act as if everything is perfect.
The question is, for how long will I be able to maintain this facade? Will I be able to do it for the rest of my life, or at one point in my life I will crack?
Well, all I wish is that I will be able to see my kids as grownups, settled in their homes and then I will be happy, knowing that I have fulfilled my mission in this world.
No one is helping me to raise my children and yes it is hard, but I do not have any regrets about having them.
I believed that I will never have kids and exactly when I lost hope, God blessed me.
I am thinking now about the people who do not have kids and suffer from depression or other illnesses.
I believe they should seek help from doctors if they can afford it. I for one can''t.
I wonder how did I come to the age of 36 and still stand.
With trust in God and my inner strength.
I can not ask for help through words, I have tried that with my husband, but he doesn''t understand me.
I always express myself better through writing, I don''t know why is that, but that is the situation.
There are many people that I know of who prefer calls, not me, it is a challenge for me to answer a call, I get so nervous that I shake.
There was a period when I would tell myself each day several times that everything will be ok. I even believed in it and it worked for a while.
Now it is like I do not have the strength anymore to say it, I often forget to say it... I forget many things...
Maybe if I would find the strength to be able to reach for the light at the end of the tunnel, everything would be fine eventually.
I will try, that is all we can actually at least do, try!
From trying will come do and from do will come done.
At least that is how things are supposed to work, isn''t that right?
I used to think that I was always right, what a hypocrite!
No one can be right all the time, just too stubborn to listen to other''s people opinions.
I''ve been told so many times as a small kid that I was bad because I didn''t listen, that it got stuck into my head.
I do believe there is some bad inside me, I think it is part of who I am, although I have never hurt someone with intention.
I have always tried to get along with everyone and avoid fights.
Ignore the haters as someone would say, because indifference will kill them slowly.
All you have to do is mind your business, not care about what people do, and just do your best to be the best version of yourself and live the life you want. Running away from home
I ran away from home when I was 17 years old. That was just the first time.
I was at a party with my best friend and our boyfriends.
It was a beautiful summer evening.
We dressed nicely for our boyfriends and just to feel sexy too.
We settled to meet at a small bar.
There we laughed, we drank some beer (yeah I know I wasn''t supposed to, but what did I care about back then, I was wild and rebellious), then our boyfriends asked us to go with them to their friend''s home.
As I was a little buzzed, I said what the heck, but we won''t be able to stay that long as our parents are waiting for us at home.
Arrived at the apartment, we put on some nice music, drank some more beer, danced, then lay on a bed with my boyfriend. We kissed and didn''t care there were other people back there.
I got pretty drunk and I needed to go to the bathroom after all that beer.
So I went there, I peed and when I was washing my hands, my boyfriend''s friend got inside, closed the door and jumped on me and kissed me. He wanted more but I said no and right then my boyfriend came. He didn''t believe me when I told him that the guy forced me.
I looked at the clock and saw how late it was and I told everyone that we need to go home. When I was going to get my jacket, a guy that was there, grabbed me by my cheeks and forced me to drink an entire bottle of cognac.
Oh well, things got blurry, as I got extremely drunk. We left that apartment and while I was trying to walk I fell on the ground.
My boyfriend picked me up and took me to another apartment of another friend.
Carrying me on the stairs I told him I was about to throw up, but he didn''t believe me until I did it twice.
It was dark in that apartment and I do not remember much, only short memories, and I am not even sure it was real.
What I know for sure is that my so-called boyfriend shared me with his friends.
From what I have heard there were about five who took advantage of me.
I can recall only flashes, but still painful...
When I woke up in the morning, I needed to search my clothes. I washed myself and left with my best friend.
I was too scared to go home, too afraid of my dad''s reaction, I couldn''t face my grandparents so I decided to not go home. My best friend decided to join me too as she was scared as well.
We walked on the train rails until we arrived at one of her friend''s homes.
We stayed there for a few hours and then went to another house, her ex-boyfriend''s house.
He and his brother decided to let us spend the night there. We didn''t sleep, we just relaxed and chatted.
We wanted to go to a coven, but we didn''t have enough money. So I sold a gold ring I had. Got some food and traveled by train to a coven.
Arrived there, but we didn''t dare to ask for shelter so we went back to my best friend''s ex-boyfriend''s house.
After a little while we went outside so we won''t bother anyone. Sitting planning to run if we see our family searching for us, we see a red car stopping near us.
Seeing my dad get out of the car, I didn''t run, instead, I went to him and hugged him. The same did my best friend with her older brother.
Of course, the first thing my dad asked me when I got inside the car was if I had sex. I admitted it. My best friend didn''t.
They took us straight to the police, and they filled us as missing. So we had to complete some paperwork, had a serious discussion with the police chief, and then went home.
I asked for forgiveness from my grandparents, but never told my family what happened to me that night. Blame
As a child we do not think about how our life will be as an adult, we only dream of a family, of a career, of how our life is going to be, but do not pay much importance to it.
Over the years, I have been asked if I would like to be a child again, but I always reply no, and every person that hears my answer is surprised by it, because with everyone that I have spoken about memories as a kid, they would all say that they would give anything to be a kid one more time, with no worries, and no stress.
Well I disagree, but just because I have enjoyed and lived my childhood, and I hated that I had to ask for permission to go outside, or just stay a little bit longer. Call me a hypocrite, but I do not regret being an adult and doing anything I want to, even though I am so messed up in every plan.
I got so fucking fat the past two years and I hate it, but I also do not do anything about it. I have depression battles every single day. The only reason I get out of bed is because I have to for my children. But I still have dark thoughts and want to give up on life, many times.
I am scared that I will wake up one day and I won''t be strong enough anymore, that my children won''t be enough reason for me to keep fighting this war with myself.
I am aware that it is all in my head, that I am fighting with myself, but I still struggle badly.
Who is to blame for everything that happened in our lives? I am telling you that it is just us, our decisions, our actions. Because we decide who we have around us, we decide where to live, with whom to share our secrets, or just a simple coffee. Entourage is bad, at least that is my experience with it, because I have always been naive and it always has been very hard for me to say no. Even now at thirty-six years old, I can''t say no, even if that is what I feel to do.
Although I am doing my best to teach my children to not be like me. I know I should let them have their own opinion, but I honestly don''t want them to be like me and say yes to everyone, even if it is stepping over myself.
Maybe a lot of shit that happened in your life you believe is someone else to blame too. But if you think very deeply about every little detail you will see that I am right, that your actions and/or decisions also lead to whatever happened in your life.
Or maybe I am wrong, and I will respect it if you my reader have a different opinion. I am the kind of person who respects it if someone else thinks differently than me. Because we are not the same, we can''t ask anyone to think like us, we are so unique, every one of us.
For many years I blamed my dad for all the bad in my life, and for how messed up I am right now, but it is my fault as well. I should have been more brave, I should have stood up for myself, but now it is too late for that, or maybe not. We can''t know in advance what will happen if we take a different direction in life, maybe for the better or maybe for the worst.
I divorced my first husband thinking that I will have a better life, I blamed him for not loving me, for just hurting me and making me cry all the time. But I am sure I had a huge part to blame as well. But that it is in the past, I can''t change anything and I don''t even want to but what has been done is well done.
Now I am remarried and it is like the history it repeats itself. I still do not feel loved, and even worse I am criticized daily, and when I try to stand up for myself, I make it worse.
Maybe it is just my fault, if I become who my present husband wants me to be everything will be perfectly fine. But what about me, what about my feelings? I do not matter at all. Am I being too selfish because I desire to be honestly loved and respected? I am waiting too much for him? Shall I give in and be just a servant, a maid and get nothing in return? Is that love?
We all have endless questions that no one can reply to us. We have to find the answers ourselves because we are the only ones who can take charge of our own lives.
Is there a definition of a normal person? Is there such a thing as normal? I believe not, because although you may see many couples for example, having a perfect life, you can not know what exactly is happening beyond appearances. And that is no one business anyway, all that you should care about is your own life, your shit, and happiness, do not let anyone influence your decisions.
We have to be determined to get what we want and to make sure that we won''t hurt anyone along the way in achieving whatever we want to achieve. Just focus on your main goal, but also pay attention to those around you.
Past shall remain in the past, but we can not move on and live in the present if we do not get closure from the happening from the past. I know it from experience, as I never had closure and it is haunting me every day. I am too scared to not mess with other people''s lives, just so I can get my closure. So instead I learn how to go by every day and try to live in the present the best that I can.
What is love?
What is love for you? I am curious. Is that what we see in the movies? Can that be real? Can we have that kind of love in our lives?
Maybe some of you have it, and I am so happy for you, the ones that do experience such kind of love. I have been in love many times, or that is what I thought. I cried so much, it consumed me so deeply, that I am not even sure if I love him anymore. When my husband asks me if I love him, I tell him yes, but I am not sure if what I feel is still love, or if it is just the habit to be with him, having him around.
He always tells me that he loves me, but whenever we fight, he tells me with so much hate that he can''t even stand to see my face and that he lives with me for our son. I do not know what to believe anymore, because he switches moods from one day to another. It is a toxic relationship I know. And I have tried to get him out of my life, but he doesn''t want to leave. It can''t be just for our boy. Maybe he is scared of such a big change or afraid of what people might say about it. He is the kind of person who cares deeply about what people think and say about him, even if he wouldn''t admit it.
I always say that I do not care about what people might say about me, but if it is something bad I still do get very hurt by their words.
Sometimes I wonder if I ever had been loved by someone for real if there was someone who would do anything for me.
I wasn''t in love with my first husband at first. I just agreed to give a boy one last chance to love, after I had been in some failed relationships. Some friends introduced him to me and praised him to be a good boy, so I thought, to hell with it, I will give it a try.
So I ended up falling in love with him, loving him so deeply that I gave birth to two girls. He was extremely happy when I was pregnant the first time, as we wished for such a blessing for seven years, and when we lost hope, God blessed us.
I wished for the second one, but he was disappointed. Years passed by and the love was gone, only fighting, endless tears, and so on.
When I asked for the divorce, I was already involved with my actual husband, with whom I fell in love even deeper. I felt that I had a real man next to me, one that could protect me and love me.
It may be my fault as I have pictured my second husband as perfect and that he would truly love me. I even had to beg for his love.
Our relationship started as something sexual. We agreed from the start that we will just fuck and nothing more. But as I was so vulnerable, I fell in love with him after just a few days. Oh well, he did fuck me extremely well, making me moan like no one has ever done it. I didn''t even know I had it in me.
I can say it is a fact, that my real sexual life, has started when I met him. We fucked so good for so long until I got pregnant with his boy. We did it in every parking lot that we found on our car rides.
We always got along perfectly when we fucked, but now we are lucky if we do it once a month. I am not in the mood anymore at all, I do not have that desire, and I would rather write pure smut through my books, which makes me so horny when I imagine the scenes that I am writing about, even if it is fantasy.
I don''t even know why I got married the second time. Why do I keep being so naive and continue ruining my life?
One thing I know for sure, and that is if I end up divorcing my second husband, I will never allow myself to fall in love again, hell no! I would rather spend the rest of my life alone, rather than cry over men again.
God, I can''t even remember how it is to be happy, how someone feels, how I would feel. I want to be loved so badly, I feel that is an important aspect of my life that is missing so badly.
I need it, don''t we all? Isn''t life more beautiful when love is around us?
That is what I believe, that love can make someone feel accomplished, just to have their better half next to them, and they could eat just a slice of bread per day, and still be happy with the little that they have.
I believe that when you love and that love is shared, then you feel protected, never lonely, stronger, determined, and able to surpass every obstacle that may be coming in your life.
Did I get it right, or have I really forgotten all about it?
I know I will never have it again, I will never feel the sweet taste of being loved, and it is all my fault. I have chosen wrong in my life, too many times, and now it is too late to change anything because I have decided that I won''t search for love anymore.
I will keep trying and trying to let it go and do my best to live without it. I am not falling for anyone''s lies anymore, not even my husband''s. I know he doesn''t love me, he just wants to live a peaceful life, where he gets everything that he needs. A cozy home, a warm meal, some rare fuck, being left alone whenever he wants to, having the freedom to do whatever he wants with whom he wants.
I would love it if you would tell me, my dear reader, what is love for you, and not a child''s love, nor a mother''s love, the one love that would leave you breathless, the kind of love that makes you melt at the sight of that partner, the one that makes your heart goes nuts. Does it exist? Or it is just in books and movies, and maybe just in our minds?
Sometimes I concentrate so hard before going to sleep and try to control what to dream about because I would love to be happy, at least in my dreams, to meet and feel the love that would patch me all up and rise me from the hole that I am deep buried in.
Am I crazy? Yes, that is definitely certain. I admit it, I have always been crazy, I have never called myself normal, and never liked to think what everyone else was thinking or doing.
I am trying to be independent, that is what I always wanted, and that is what I need to do so I can gain a glimpse of happiness, except the one that my children are giving to me daily.
I am aware of how lucky am, I always say that I am blessed, but is it wrong to want more? Is it wrong to feel so broken?
I dare to say that it is not wrong and to say it is good to want more because we deserve to hope for the better, for as much as needed until our soul is happy until we feel that we have accomplished something in this short life. Even if there will definitely be things that we may never get the chance to do in this life. 21st May 2023 Today I woke up feeling okay, with no dark thoughts, and not in pain. I am not even sure what exactly helps me sometimes, to get over all my crazy thoughts, and all the pain that I am feeling inside of me. What I know for sure is just I have plenty of days when I feel that I am consumed, by whatever lies inside of me. I believe what might have helped me feel better today, is the fact that yesterday I spent many hours outside with my children, and did some sweeping outside, while the sun was burning my head. But I felt good, even though it got me pretty tired. I hate that I have such a war inside my head, my heart, and my soul. What I am writing about is my husband. We don''t get along well, and I hate that I love him, even if most of the time he treats me like shit. He doesn''t even think that I might be going through something, instead, he keeps criticizing me every single day, about the fact that our house is not clean enough. He doesn''t understand that if I need to supervise our toddler outside for hours, I won''t have enough time to manage all the chores in the house. I always try to do my best and do as much as I can, but I often fail. He doesn''t help with any chore, even when I am sick, I have to crawl my ass through the house to make sure my children have what to eat, clean clothes, and everything so they can be safe and healthy. I am not that lucky to have help from someone. I hear many women complaining about one child, even if their mom can help them. Trust me, I am envious of that woman, I have three children, no help, but I do my best to raise them right. I regret so many decisions I took in my life, but what I can honestly say is that I am very proud that I am the mother of my kids, this is my only accomplishment till far. I do believe that someone, even me, can find his/her passion later in life. Why not? Life is short anyway, so we should never miss an opportunity, even if it raises later in life. I don''t know why, but I am more optimistic when I write. I just love it. It is just hard to open the document and write, but when I do, my thoughts are just flowing, and my fingers are flying all over the keyboard. I write on my phone, I find it easier as I can do it from anywhere. I won''t tell you where I am writing right now, but you may guess it, just from the fact that I am not telling you, my dear reader, lol. This book may become messy, as I am jumping from one subject to another, but that is how I am when I talk to someone as well. It may be because I have too much to say, and I just let it all out at the same time. I can''t be the only one who does this, I am sure there are a lot of people out there who are similar to me. What am I missing now the most in my life right now is being loved by my husband. He says he does love me, but I rarely feel it. I''ve been with him for six years and at the beginning I was so in love with him, you have no idea. That made me change for a year or so, I mean I would listen to him, to what he would say to me to do. I was his submissive to put it like that, but not just sexually. To give you an example, if I would visit my parents, he would always say to not stay long. I was such an idiot to listen to him. Everyone was noticing how much I have changed during that time, and advising me to open my eyes, to see what I was doing was not ok. But as stubborn as I have always been, I would not listen to anyone. After almost two years, he would keep hurting my feelings, breaking me into a million pieces, the fact that got me back to my true self. Which is that I do not listen to anyone, that I hate for someone to tell me what to do, and that I always do what I want when I want. Now I am myself, broken inside, but with a slight hope for the better. For a better day, week, month, or year! I have many days when I do not see the light at the end of the tunnel, days when I want to die, honestly. I am glad that I manage to get over those days, without doing anything stupid. My advice to people, in the same situation, is to do your best to keep your mind occupied and try anything that brings you pleasure, a smile, or good laughter. It is easier for those of us who have children because no day can pass without being busy raising them. Indeed, there are days that children can make it worse when they are fighting or demanding too much, and it makes you feel that you will go insane. But remember, that every day you go by, makes you stronger, a survivor. I can only wish for someone to ever help me, by encouraging me. I am good at encouraging people, I have always been, but not to myself. Once I finish this book, I will read it all and maybe it will encourage me too, or make me sad, I don''t know, but I guess I will find out. It is hard to do things, all I need is to start them, and then everything just flows. Sometimes I feel that I am cursed because I have tried to do many things in life, I am talking about careers, but I never took them to an end. Now I just hope that I will stick to writing because I must say I love it, and it is very helpful. Maybe there is hope for me to be whole again, to truly smile, not just fake it. Unlawfully taken from Royal Road, this story should be reported if seen on Amazon. Do not give up! I won''t give up! I said that many times, but sometimes I failed. It is good though, to say that to yourself and mean it. It will help you overcome some things, even if there will be small things. Even little things matter, maybe they can matter the most sometimes. There is a saying that says: "Small things lead to a great and strong foundation", or something like that, I do not remember it exactly, or who first said it. But I believe it is true, if you think about it you may agree with me, or not, it is your choice. One thing that I remember doing a long while ago, is I kept saying to myself many many times that everything will be alright. It worked for a while, but then I guess I got bored of saying it, or I don''t remember why I stopped, but what I can not forget is that it worked. I am sorry if I repeated myself in the previous chapters, I don''t know why, but I do often repeat myself. It may be because I forget I said something, or it is just something I do, so I make myself clear. What does not giving up truly mean? Well, for me is just going through another day, next to the other. Some days you can be strong, and some days you can be a mess. At least, that is how I am, but always feel that I am struggling. It is always hard to fight, most of the time I don''t see my purpose in this world. Why am I here, if I am not good at anything? That is what I wonder myself most of the time. But then I think that is it necessary to have a purpose, or we can just live the best way we can? I have such a twisted mind, I guess that is why no one understands me. Maybe someday, I will find someone similar to me, someone, who will understand why I think the way I think, why I am the way I am. Or not, that is fine, there is One who will always understand me, as He is the One who put me on this earth, and that is God. Yes, I am a believer, even though I do not go to church at all, I do believe in God. I do not have anything against those who don''t believe, I respect everyone''s beliefs, even those who don''t believe in anything, just themselves maybe. We are on this earth, and we all have the right and freedom to believe in everything we want to. If someone would ask me what I like, I wouldn''t know what to answer, except that I like to write. I am not good at describing what I like or dislike, or just to describe myself. I would describe myself after a bit of time of thinking, that I am messed up, and broken, but that I can pretend to be ok. I often remember the good times when I was a teenager and laugh daily. Nowadays, rarely you can see me laugh, but you can often see my fake smile. It''s a cute one, I assure you, you might believe it is from the heart, but that rarely happens. Every morning I wake up, I drink water, while I smoke a cigarette, then make myself a coffee, and only after that you can talk to me. I am always tired, not just my soul, but my body as well. That is because, thanks to my youngest child, I haven''t had too much sleep in the past four years. I have breastfed him until recently, ten days ago to be more precise. I never believed I will breastfeed any of my children this long: three years and seven months. How I could finally stop? I got sick, and I needed to take antibiotics, which weren''t safe for him. And to my surprise, my boy was so understanding, just asking me daily if I am still sick. So, I can say that I have finally ended a big step in a mother''s life. I''ve been selfish when I divorced my first husband. I just wanted to think about my happiness for one time, but I failed. I know that no one is perfect, but I thought that maybe it will be better. I was wrong, it is not better, maybe not worse, but it is not good. Why do we make the choices we make? It is that life is like gambling, sometimes you win and sometimes you lose. Well, in that case, I might have lost more, than win. But hey, I am stronger, just for the fact that I am still standing. Yes, I''ve lost battles, but I didn''t lose the war, at least not yet. So no, do not give up and keep trying to improve yourself, or at least just keep staying where you are, but just try to reach a bit of happiness. Even a small drop will make a huge difference. Bit by bit, we can build something strong enough, something that will not be broken easily. It is hard to live when you suffer after trauma, and then just fall in love just to feel more pain. If there is no one to help us, we have to help ourselves. Say to ourselves, that we are strong, we are beautiful, and that we will not give up, no matter what. Even if we fail, all we have to do is crawl, then slowly get up, and move on. Like that, broken, and misunderstood, but we have to stand. Choose not to let anyone drag you down. It is a battle, yes, but do your best so things get better, surround yourself with people who will make you laugh, even if it is rare. We have to hold onto what is rare because that is what will help us move on, and become the strongest that we can be. Do not give up, do not despair, keep living, ignore every bad thing in your life, and be as happy as you can be! This story has been stolen from Royal Road. If you read it on Amazon, please report it