《The Heart's Reflection》


 Stupidest Bitch Alive

    Maya regretted leaving her earbuds at home. Not because of the outdated pop music blasting through the store, or the feral kids running through the aisles. She was unbothered by those things. No, the issue today was that she could hear her co-workers talking.


    ¡°Yeah, that¡¯s what I¡¯m saying,¡± one said, ¡°It¡¯s got to be like a social thing. Like childhood development stuff.¡±


    ¡°Right? Nobody cares that suddenly half the planet is transgenders,¡± another replied.


    ¡°I don¡¯t know,¡± a third chimed in. ¡°I think they¡¯re just trying to live, you know?¡±


    Bless your heart, Karen. Maya thought. At least one of her co-workers would stand up for her. Well, stand up for trans people in general. None of them knew she was trans, and she hoped that would continue.


    ¡°Ah, I don¡¯t buy it,¡± one of the annoying ones spoke again. ¡°If that was the case, they wouldn¡¯t be shoving it in our faces all the time.¡±


    ¡°Ehh, maybe.¡± Karen said.


    Noooo, Karen. You were doing so well too. She couldn¡¯t be too upset, though. That was already further than most people were willing to go to defend her. It¡¯s only a couple more hours, Maya told herself while she continued to mop the floors. All she had to do was push through this stupid conversation and she could¨C


    ¡°What do you think, Maya?¡±


    Fuck. Do they know?


    Maya looked up and saw her co-workers all looking at her. It was the greasy loser who had started the whole conversation.


    Alright, if I say nothing that would just be awkward. And maybe they would suspect something. But if I tell them off and reveal my hand it could make work suck for the rest of the semester. And if I take their side they¡¯ll just make some other person¡¯s life hell when¨C


    ¡°Hello? Maya, you good?¡± God, they really were so annoying.


    ¡°Umm,¡± she started, ¡°yeah, seems kinda like¡­ ummm¡­ not a big deal? Never really thought about it.¡± She tried to laugh nonchalantly.


    Perfect, they won¡¯t suspect a thing.


    She used the time they spent rolling their eyes to discreetly steer her mopping away from them. And, thankfully, the conversation died out. It wasn''t the first awkward talk she''d had to endure, but she''d usually avoided being dragged into it.. They''re getting more comfortable around me, that''s good, right? Maya wouldn¡¯t complain about being stealth. Her trans status was unknown to everyone here. It was all she had wanted since being a teenager, she should be happy! I am happy! It¡¯s just¡­ people suck sometimes.


    For the rest of her shift she laid low, making sure any mopping, shelf-sorting, and bathroom scrubbing was done far away from her co-workers. Except Karen. Even though she was a few years older than Maya, she still liked gossiping with her when she got bored.


    ¡°So, are you excited for classes to start again?¡± Karen asked her.


    ¡°Actually, yeah. This summer has been pretty boring, honestly.¡± Maya held back just how true that was. And I¡¯ll get put in an asylum if I don¡¯t get a change of pace soon.


    ¡°That¡¯s why you should have done a summer internship or something! That would keep you busy and look good on your resume, you know.¡±


    Maya stared at her for a bit, thinking hard on how to phrase her next words as kindly as possible. ¡°Well¡­ I sorta need money, is the thing. That¡¯s why I¡¯m here and not just lounging around at the beach.¡± Actually, there¡¯s a bigger reason I¡¯m not at the beach, but whatever.


    ¡°Oh, right. You always have next summer anyway, you¡¯re only a sophomore, don¡¯t get too worried about all of that.¡±


    I literally wasn¡¯t worried until you brought it up¡­


    ¡°You could join some clubs this year maybe! Meet some more people! When I was in school, clubs kept me from losing my sanity, ya know.¡±


    Maya grinned. ¡°Actually, I already signed up for one. First meeting is right after my shift ends. Speaking of¡­¡± She headed toward the break room to clock out.


    Karen followed her. ¡°That¡¯s great! Which club is it? I was in the Young Democrats Alliance, and let me tell you, it will change how you interact with the world, seriously!¡±


    ¡°It¡¯s umm, an academic club. Like for studying and stuff, making connections,¡± Maya had to force a smile to keep up her lie. ¡°I¡¯m excited!¡±


    ¡°Ah, that¡¯s good, too. Glad you¡¯re thinking of your future, Maya, I see lots of potential in you.¡±


    Maya smiled genuinely this time. ¡°Thanks. That¡¯s really nice of you.¡± She remembered why she liked Karen. Very sweet where it counts, always encouraging her. It was embarrassing to admit, but she viewed her as an older sister at times.


    ¡°Aw, don¡¯t worry about it sweetie,¡± Karen said as she pat Maya on the head. That was another reason she liked Karen, she was taller than her. Superficial, yes, but it was still true. Nothing made her feel better about being 5¡¯9¡± than spending a whole shift feeling short.


    Maya said her goodbyes to Karen and headed out into the sunlight. Immediately she felt incredible. All the political ramblings of her co-workers had vanished from her mind. Warm sun on her skin, fresh air in her lungs, positive thoughts in her mind. God, I can¡¯t remember the last time I felt this good.


    It wasn¡¯t a very quick walk to get to campus from where she worked, but it gave her a good amount of time to clear her head and enjoy the outdoors. Lots of fresh faces passed by while she was lost in her newfound optimism. The leaves were turning gorgeous shades of red and gold, drifting down to float along the stream running parallel to the sidewalk. A lone duck with brown speckled wings swam alongside her. Serenity.


    For the past two weeks she had constructed dozens of vivid scenarios of what might happen at the club. Coincidentally, all of them were overwhelmingly positive. And finally, it was the day. Everything would start to improve, she would finally belong somewhere. A community, a place to share her experiences. Maybe she could even mentor someone who had just started their transition! She had made so many mistakes herself, all easily avoidable with some proper guidance. If she could help someone out, it would have all been worth it. Hell, there might be people even further along who could give advice to her!


    She pictured a hundred different scenarios of what could happen at the club,


    We can all help each other thrive and improve so much, it¡¯ll be perfect.


    When she was about halfway there, her phone buzzed. A text from Ethan asking if she could meet up after work. Oops, I forgot to tell him about this. She sent back, ¡°No sorry I have my first meeting of LGBTQ club today¡± and stuffed her phone back into her pocket. It was nice of him to ask. Maya knew they would find time eventually, even if it had been a couple of weeks.


    She met Ethan back in middle school, and of all her old friends, he was the only one who hadn¡¯t ditched her after she transitioned. Though she always wondered if he was truly comfortable around her or just didn¡¯t have many friends himself.


    Her mindset began to slip, letting a few negative thoughts in. What if someone I know is there and they tell my co-workers? Or someone from the club might talk to me at work and ruin everything? Maybe I should just be more open with everyone. But if people in my classes know, it could destroy any chance of getting a boyfriend. God, maybe I shouldn¡¯t do this...


    She took a few deep breaths and watched the duck swim in circles next to her. Another buzz, ¡°damn :( k have fun at gay club.¡± Maya snort-laughed. Well, I¡¯ll still go at least once. What¡¯s the worst that could happen?


    The rest of her walk was pleasant enough, no more depressing and intrusive thoughts, at the very least. Eventually the stream separated from the path and she had to say goodbye to her duck friend, but not before she caught him dipping his head underwater. Besides, it wasn¡¯t long before she stood in front of the building she was after. Okay. Okay okay okay. I¡¯m a few minutes early, maybe I should just wait out here a bit.


    She marched up the stairs and put her hand on the doorknob. Then, she immediately turned and walked back. She began to pace around ahead the entrance, making lopsided figure eights by the stone stairs that led to the door. Actually, this is only an introductory meeting, it¡¯s not a big deal if I miss it, right? And I could do some prep before classes start, I need my books still, not to mention¨C


    ¡°Uh, are you good? Do you need help?¡± A voice broke her thought.


    Maya¡¯s face flushed red in an instant. She realized how insane she must look to anyone walking by. Meekly, she turned around to see the boy who snapped her out of the spiral she was in.


    Huh. He¡¯s cute, was her first thought. Dresses as if he''s still in high school, though, as she made a note of his loose-fitting jeans and graphic tee. And his hair, she peered at the shaggy blond mess on his head, could use work. She realized she had been staring slack-jawed at him for a few seconds without responding now. He looked bewildered, more than anything. Oh no, he thinks I¡¯m crazy. Hopefully he just keeps walking and isn¡¯t here for the club.


    ¡°Are you here for the club too?¡± He asked.


    NO! Come onnnnn, are you kidding me??


    If you discover this tale on Amazon, be aware that it has been stolen. Please report the violation.


    ¡°Hello? Seriously, are you okay?¡±


    Maya cleared her throat. ¡°Um haha sorry. Just thinking haha. The club, yeah. Yes.¡± She kept nodding, even after she¡¯d stopped talking.


    His look of confusion faded. ¡°Yeah, you¡¯re gay alright,¡± he chuckled to himself. ¡°Must have been thinking about something real serious to pace the way you were.¡±


    ¡°Hey, hey, hold on, I¡¯m not gay I¡¯m straight,¡± Maya stated with a bit of annoyance building in her. ¡°Pretty rude to assume stuff like that, especially for someone in this club themselves!¡± She smirked, very satisfied with herself as she finished her sentence.


    ¡°The fuck? Why are you at this club if you¡¯re straight then?¡±


    Maya realized what she just did. Great, my dumb mouth signed me up for this. ¡°Umm, I, umm, I¡¯mtranssothatswhyI¡¯mhereokay?¡±


    ¡°What? I can''t hear you.¡± He walked up a single step and held his hand to his ear. By that point people were frequently passing them and going inside. ¡°You¡¯ll have to hurry up, we¡¯re about to start I think.¡±


    She took a deep breath, and paused a brief moment for someone to walk by and out of earshot. ¡°I¡¯m trans. That¡¯s why I¡¯m here.¡±


    His face kind of scrunched up for a moment. ¡°Oh okay, why didn¡¯t you just say that? Could have saved a lot of time, you know!¡± He chuckled to himself some more and walked in.


    Jeez, I take it back, NOT cute. Very annoying in fact. She huffed in disbelief and headed inside behind him.


    He was already out of sight by the time she opened the door, but she wasn¡¯t complaining. She followed the signs on the wall to get to the right room, trying to calm down from her run in with¡­ well, she didn¡¯t get his name but calling him Mophead felt right.


    Down one hall, make a right, down another hall, and she found it. Voices from inside were pouring out, making Maya anxious, but she was done hesitating for the day. Everything seemed to get louder when she entered, but luckily nobody gave her more than a quick glance.


    A quick scan of the room revealed a few things. First, there were a lot more people than she expected. A huge group of chairs sat in the middle of the room, while everyone crowded all around it. Like over forty people, maybe fifty? She couldn¡¯t say for sure but it was a big room, the kind that gets used for storage in the summer, and yet they were filling it sufficiently.


    So many people¡­ that means more people who might notice me though. The second thing worth noting was there weren¡¯t many men there. Under a dozen, for sure. Huh, I wonder what¡¯s up with that. And among those few men she could see, Mophead wasn¡¯t anywhere in sight. Where the heck did he go? He came in before me¡­ Oh well, maybe he decided he didn¡¯t want to be here and left.


    ¡°Excuse me, can I just¨C Oh, are you serious?¡± Yet again, Maya was startled by an impatient voice behind her. Though this time she knew who it belonged to.


    This time less meek and more indignant, she spun toward him. ¡°Sorry, Mophead, I¡¯ll get out of your way.¡± She took an exaggerated step to the side and slid out from the doorframe. To seal the deal, she mimed a quick curtsy.


    His eyebrows shot up and he laughed. ¡°Wait, did you seriously call me ¡®Mophead¡¯? What are you, ten years old?¡±


    ¡°No, I¡¯m just not putting up with you being rude for no reason.¡±


    ¡°Me rude? Really? You¡¯re the one always blocking the doors to stuff.¡±


    ¡°Well¡­ whatever. Sorry I was in your way, won¡¯t happen again.¡± Maya turned toward the front of the room where some other people were gathered.


    ¡°Wait,¡± Mophead stepped in front of her. ¡°I¡¯m sorry. I wasn¡¯t trying to be rude, I sorta had to pee really bad.¡± A nervous chuckle followed his apology.


    It took a lot of restraint to stop herself from facepalming, but Maya managed. Oh my god I¡¯m so awful. I''ve been a huge bitch this whole time. ¡°No, I¡¯m sorry. I was in your way again, I¡¯m seriously completely at fault.¡± Her hand instinctively tucked her hair behind her ear, ¡°and sorry for calling you Mophead. My name¡¯s Maya. You could tell me your real name if you want.¡±


    ¡°Oh, you actually nailed it, my name¡¯s Mophead. How did you guess?¡± he said with a cute, stupid smirk on his face.


    ¡°Wow, you¡¯re super funny, like actually hilarious. Has anyone ever told you that? No? Wonder why!¡± She started to turn around when he stopped her again.


    ¡°Sorry, sorry. Ben. My name is Ben. And I like the name Maya, it¡¯s nice. It suits you.¡± He held his hand up in a half-wave motion.


    Once again, Maya¡¯s face glowed bright red. ¡°Th-thanks,¡± she said. ¡°Ben is good, too. Like, a good name for you, I mean.¡± Why am I blushing, he¡¯s literally at a gay club, he doesn¡¯t even like women, I¡¯m being so dumb.


    ¡°Thanks, thanks,¡± Ben looked around the room. ¡°Hey, so this is my first time at one of these things, do you want to explain how it works?¡±


    ¡°Um, this is sort of my first time, too,¡± she said. ¡°Sorry.¡±


    ¡°Hey, don¡¯t worry, we can figure it out together. Let¡¯s talk to someone who knows what¡¯s up.¡±


    A path through the crowd suddenly opened up, as if he was silently commanding them, though nobody seemed to even notice him. Careful not to be left behind, Maya stayed close to him, and they were quickly on the other side. There were lots of pamphlets and a collection of colored flag pins displayed on a table. A couple people, likely the heads of the club, stood behind it making sure things went smoothly. Maya stood to the side while Ben grabbed some things from the table.


    ¡°Here, skim through this,¡± Ben said, offering her one of the pamphlets. Another few were gripped in his other hand.


    Huh, Maya thought as she looked over the pamphlet, ¡®Activities Fair: Creative Minds Needed.¡¯ Hmmm. I like to think I¡¯m creative.


    It would have to wait to be opened however, as one of the people behind the table began to stand up. ¡°Attention everyone!¡± They cupped their hands around their mouth, ¡°Attention, attention! Please find a seat, we¡¯d like to start discussion early and then more of you can come up for pamphlets and pins afterward, we promise.¡± The whole room started shuffling around and chairs were claimed quickly.


    Ben shoved some more pamphlets to Maya. ¡°Take these and find a couple seats, I¡¯ll grab a pin for you.¡±


    ¡°Okay,¡± Maya nodded. The chairs were getting taken really fast, making her rush to the nearest two she saw. But those got taken. Fine then, this seat over¨C Also taken. She groaned, and kept getting further away as seat after seat got nabbed right in front of her, until she found herself at the back of the room with a row of empty seats all to herself. Defeated, she sat down and placed the pamphlets on the chair next to her to keep it free for Ben. Just in case.


    Once the majority of the room was seated, those leading the meeting spoke again. ¡°Hello and welcome everybody! Very big turnout today, I mean honestly, wow! We hope to keep all of you invested in this club¡¯s future throughout the¡­¡±


    Maya tuned out as she saw Ben approaching. I guess he kinda makes those clothes work for him¡­ Her mind wandered while she watched him grow closer. Maybe he¡¯s bi. I wonder if he¡¯s even attracted to trans women. Would a bi dude even bother going to a club like this? I mean he could already be seeing someone! I need to chill. She shut her brain off of ¡®fantasy¡¯ mode when he reached her. ¡°Here, let me get these out of the way,¡± she said, pulling the pamphlets into her lap.


    ¡°Are these really the best seats you could find?¡± he asked and sat down.


    ¡°Yes!¡± she yell-whispered. ¡°Everyone kept swooping in before I could get there, it was so annoying!¡±


    He chuckled. ¡°Just kidding, I saw you struggling from the front of the room. Was funny watching you get that upset over chairs.¡±


    ¡°Wow,¡± she scoffed, ¡°do you think I just exist to amuse you?¡±


    ¡°No, not exclusively. Here,¡± he held out a closed fist, ¡°this is yours.¡± His hand opened up, revealing a little circle pin with the transgender pride flag printed on it.


    ¡°Oh, thanks.¡± It was then promptly taken and pinned to her shirt. ¡°Where¡¯s yours?¡±


    ¡°On my bag,¡± he motioned to the floor under his chair, where a backpack sat.


    Maya couldn¡¯t see the pin on it, though. Aghh, must be on the other side. Dammit, is this dude bi or not!


    Ben leaned over and whispered, ¡°Seems pretty lame so far, don¡¯t ya think? Feels more like a lecture than a club.¡±


    ¡°Mhm,¡± Maya nodded along. Ok well I guess I¡¯ll find out what I need to know on my own. ¡°Not a lot of guys here either. If that¡¯s what you were looking for, I mean.¡±


    ¡°Nah, it¡¯s good. I¡¯m bi.¡±


    Yes! Nice! Okay, step one. When she finished mentally fist pumping she gathered some more courage for her next question. ¡°Ah, so you¡¯re trying to date a bi girl you meet here?¡± She watched him carefully.


    With a raised eyebrow he turned toward her. ¡°Maybe I¡¯m here for a little sense of community, did you think about that?¡± he said. ¡°But yes, if I met a bi girl here I wouldn¡¯t be opposed to dating her. Hey, maybe I¡¯ll even meet a straight girl I like here,¡± he said, trying but failing to hide a smug grin. ¡°Now, will you please let me pay attention? I want to hear all the boring stuff they¡¯re saying.¡±


    AAAAAAAHHH! How can he stay so relaxed while saying stuff like that?! Maya recalled all the terrible flirting attempts she¡¯d had in the past, like telling the guy she was crushing on that she ¡°thinks he¡¯s neat¡± then immediately running to the bathroom to puke. Or when she sweated through her shirt in freshman year of high school and had a guy she liked be the one to tell her about it. They never spoke again, after that.


    ¡°Now, on to the Activities Fair,¡± the speaker¡¯s voice pierced through her daydreaming, ¡°our area will be about informing anyone at all who has questions about our community. And, there will be an art piece made by you folks! It won¡¯t be one big cohesive one this time, though. We¡¯re going to be doing multiple, smaller sections this year due to the large number of people. Each section will represent a part of our community, so for example, the L will be made by whatever lesbians here wish to make it. We really want every section to look its best, so please volunteer wherever you can!¡±


    Excitement flared through the crowd. Even Ben seemed excited, Maya noted.


    ¡°You plan on helping with that?¡± she asked.


    ¡°Yeah! I think it will be fun, and maybe I could meet some people. Plus, I¡¯ve heard that expressing yourself is actually a good and healthy thing to do.¡±


    ¡°Yeah yeah, you¡¯re right.¡± Maya rolled her eyes for what felt like the hundredth time that day.


    ¡°What about you, you¡¯re going to sign up too, right? We could work together on it!¡±


    ¡°Umm,¡± Maya started, ¡°I¡¯d be working on the Transgender piece, you know.¡±


    ¡°Uhh, okay? That¡¯s what I figured.¡±


    She blinked in confusion. ¡°Well why would we work on the same-¡±


    Maya was so dumb. Maya was SO dumb. I am so so so SO DUMB. ¡°I¡¯m so dumb, I¡¯m so sorry, I even made fun of you earlier for¨C¡±


    Ben cut her off with a mocking, high-pitched tone, ¡°Pretty rude to assume stuff like that, especially for someone in the LGBT community themselves!¡± And then the laughing started. It moved rapidly from just chuckling to a full-on belly laugh.


    ¡°Stop! Are you serious? Come on, don¡¯t be so loud,¡± she pleaded with him.


    Without dampening his volume at all, Ben reached down and turned his backpack over. Sure enough, pinned to a shoulder strap, was the same trans pin she had on her shirt.


    ¡°Oh my god, I¡¯m seriously the stupidest bitch alive.¡± She slumped down into her chair, partially to hide from her own mistake, but also to avoid eye contact with the people in front of them who were starting to stare at the psycho dude cackling next to her.


    ¡°Sorry, sorry,¡± he said, wiping a tear from his eye. ¡°I just really loved using your own annoying line against you. Can ya really blame me?¡± The oxygen he lost from laughing for so long was catching up to him, and his breaths were shallow and littered with stifled giggles.


    At some point during all of that, the meeting must have wrapped up, because everyone started standing and gathering their things. Another small group formed around the table up front to grab pins, Maya was sure. ¡°Is that really it? I thought these went on for two hours,¡± Maya asked.


    Finally seeming to have regained some composure, Ben responded, ¡°Yeah, but this was just an intro meeting. Let us know what to expect from the club and all that. Honestly I should have skipped it, but I guess I¡¯m glad I didn¡¯t.¡±


    ¡°Ah, yeah¡­ same,¡± Maya said. ¡°I¡¯m sure these pamphlets will explain everything you talked over.¡±


    ¡°Excuse me, you did most of the talking, I was basically held hostage.¡±


    ¡°Don¡¯t care, you chose to sit next to me,¡± she said. She stuck out her tongue and flipped her head around, swinging her hair into Ben¡¯s face.


    ¡°Blech, do you ever wash this? It¡¯s not naturally brown, right?¡±


    ¡°I don¡¯t want to hear it from you, Mophead.¡± With a fistful of pamphlets she got up from her seat. ¡°But, um. Next week. You¡¯ll be here, right?¡±


    ¡°Of course, why would I only come for the most boring meeting?¡± His goofy grin made Maya unable to look away from him, or even blink. In fact, it was starting to make her really dizzy.


    ¡°Oh, yeah, good point. Well then, um¡­ I¡¯ll see you then!¡± She waved and rushed out, ripping the pin off her shirt and jamming it in her pocket before anyone could see. If she hurried she could get an earlier bus, but that wasn¡¯t why she was rushing. Another tragic vomiting incident was setting itself up to ruin everything. And to think, I was doing so well at not being a nervous wreck today. Kinda.


    Ben waved back, but he was already too far away to be heard.


    It took until she got outside that Maya felt her stomach settle down. Let¡¯s hope that doesn¡¯t happen again.

 Is That a Promise?

    It had been, overall, a good week for Maya. She had peaceful shifts at work, the heating in her apartment didn¡¯t cut out a single time, and she just finished collecting the books she needed for the semester. To top it all off, she was currently on her way to see a cute guy at a club meeting! Well, that last part wasn¡¯t so perfect. All day she had dealt with knots in her stomach and dizzy spells. Heck, at the bookstore she nearly fell over while waiting in line.


    Ughh! Why am I like this? If I have to leave the club because of this, I swear to god¡­


    She headed into the club¡¯s building, dragging her feet the whole way inside.


    Immediately, she noticed everything in the meeting room was different than last time. It was just as packed with people, but no central mass of chairs. Instead, there were lots of round tables set up around the room. Some of the tables had board games on them, a couple were empty, and one had packages of food and drinks scattered all over it. Huh, nice. The vibe was leagues better than the weird conference feel there was last time. Now I just need to find Mophead.


    As soon as she got home last week she remembered that phones were a thing and beat herself up for not getting his number. Telling herself she would get it this week didn¡¯t help either, because that meant Future Maya would have to get it. In her experience, Future Maya tended to do absolutely nothing that Current Maya wanted her to. And don¡¯t get her started on Past Maya, that girl was useless.


    With Ben nowhere in sight, Maya shuffled over to a table with a couple of people playing a board game. One of them was holding what looked like the rules to the game, while the other was just fiddling with various pieces on the table. May as well meet some other people while I¡¯m here. Luckily, she wasn¡¯t too shy with strangers, it was the people she knew that always got her feeling nervous and unsure. ¡°Hey,¡± she said, ¡°what game are you guys playing?¡±


    The two looked a bit startled, clearly not expecting her to talk to them. The guy messing with the pieces recovered quickly though, and replied. ¡°Uh, it¡¯s supposed to be the Pok¨¦mon board game, but it¡¯s missing a lot of parts.¡±


    ¡°Oh! That sounds fun. Maybe we could make some replacement parts, like with paper or something,¡± Maya suggested.


    ¡°Hmm, not a bad idea. Hey, what¡¯s your name? I¡¯m Kyle, and this is Sam,¡± he gestured toward the one holding the rules.


    ¡°Very nice to meet you both! I¡¯m Maya,¡± she said while sitting down next to Sam.


    After sitting, she noticed how similar the two looked. They both had shaggy dark hair, pale skin, similar eyes and noses. Typical nerds as far as Maya could tell. But all of her friends tended to be nerds anyway.


    ¡°Are you two siblings by any chance? You sort of look related,¡± Maya asked them.


    ¡°Yeah, good catch,¡± Kyle said. ¡°I¡¯m here for the B, and she¡¯s here for the T.¡±


    ¡°Wait, what do you mean?¡±


    ¡°Like, I¡¯m Bi and she¡¯s Trans.¡±


    ¡°Right! Duh, my bad,¡± she said. Her inability to notice another trans person made her sink down. Well that¡¯s zero for two on noticing trans people. Good thing I didn¡¯t blabber on too much. Maybe this can be a chance to share some of the stuff I know¡­ ¡°It''s really cool that you can do this together. By the way, I¡¯m also here for the T.¡± Hey, that was easier this time! I knew this place would help.


    Sam finally spoke, ¡°Wow, how long?¡± Her voice sounded good! Not perfect, obviously trans, Maya felt, but much better than hers had in early transition.


    ¡°Well, I started when I was sixteen, so a while.¡±


    ¡°Ah, that¡¯s cool¡­¡± Sam frowned a bit and looked completely deflated.


    ¡°But hey!¡± Maya didn¡¯t want to discourage her at all, ¡°I¡¯ve learned a lot, I could help you with some things if you¡¯d like. And your voice sounds really good, miles better than when I was at your stage.¡±


    ¡°What ¡®stage¡¯ do you think I¡¯m at?¡± Sam dropped the rulebook.


    Maya began to feel uneasy. ¡°Well, like, I just mean you seem a little early in transition is all.¡± Oops. That didn¡¯t sound right.


    Sam scoffed. ¡°You know, not everyone has the same transition goals. It¡¯s honestly a little sad how much you value passing.¡±


    ¡°Sorry, no, I¡¯m still not where I¡¯d like to be, but-¡± Maya said, a lump forming in her throat.


    ¡°Lots of people would actually consider my transition more successful than yours because I¡¯m at peace with myself. Honestly, what is your problem?¡±


    Sam left the table as Maya started to tear up. ¡°I¡¯m sorry, I¡¯m really sorry, I wasn¡¯t trying to be rude, I just thought, like, I could show you some tricks I¡¯ve learned and¨C¡± But Sam was out of earshot while Maya kept blabbering. She turned to Kyle, who had been quiet the whole time. ¡°Seriously, please, I really didn¡¯t mean to hurt your sister, I don¡¯t know that many trans people, I assumed we had similar goals and and and,¡± she sniffled, trying really hard to not give into a full-blown cry.


    ¡°Hey, listen, it¡¯s okay,¡± He put a hand on her shoulder and stood up. ¡°She¡¯s had a rough week, she doesn¡¯t hate you or anything I promise.¡±


    ¡°Okay. Okay, thank you. Please let her know I¡¯m sorry,¡± she said, patting her eyes dry with her sleeve.


    ¡°Will do.¡± Kyle left in the same direction Sam went.


    Maya took a second at the table to calm down. Nobody else seemed to have noticed the little spat, which she was thankful for. Not a great impression, huh. And that¡¯s twice in a row for not being able to recognize another trans person. At this rate they¡¯ll revoke my membership. She messed around with the fiddly little Pok¨¦mon tiles on the table, putting them into random piles based on their colors. Over the next few minutes her breathing became steady again, her eyes dried back to normal, and Pikachu sat in a pile next to Psyduck and Drowzee. At least my stomach has been calm.


    ¡°Hey!! Maya!¡± a familiar voice called from across the room. Heads from nearby tables turned to see who was being so loud.


    Fucking hell. She tucked her hands into her sleeves before subtly waving him over.


    ¡°Sorry, I¡¯m a bit late,¡± Ben said.


    Maya dropped all the game pieces she was holding and stood up. After a small prayer that he couldn¡¯t tell she had just been crying, she turned to properly greet him.


    ¡°Hey! I was wondering if you were gonna show up or not,¡± she said. Terrified, she scanned the room for the people she¡¯d upset earlier but Kyle and Sam were nowhere in sight. Hopefully that was the end of it and it would never be brought up again.


    ¡°No, sorry, I¡¯m here. Just lost track of time. I wouldn¡¯t ditch you, don¡¯t worry.¡± There was that grin again. And his confidence, it just seemed endless. Maya had only met a few trans people in her life, but none of them seemed as comfortable as Ben. Not just with his body, it was every single thing he said too. It was completely foreign to Maya.


    Oh, this could be it! My chance! Maya braced herself. ¡°Thanks, that¡¯s nice to say. Um, maybe, you know if something comes up, then you could have a way to tell me.¡± Okay, not too bad. Good job, Maya.


    ¡°What? What do you mean?¡±


    Ah, right, forgot to say the important part. ¡°Your phone number! You, umm¡­ should give it to me.¡± No, wait, that was too aggressive. ¡°Or I can give you mine! So we can, like, say if we can¡¯t make it. Or something.¡±


    ¡°Oh! Yeah, right, right, I meant to give it to you last time,¡± he said. His voice, as always, was smooth and secure. No matter how awkward Maya got, he seemed to function exactly the same. ¡°Here, put your number in.¡±


    Maya took the phone suddenly offered to her. Getting her hands to stop shaking was difficult, but she managed adequately enough to get her number in on the first try. ¡°There!¡± She quickly thrust the phone back toward him. If she held it a second longer she was sure to start shaking again.


    ¡°Great! Now we can talk outside of this place,¡± he stuffed his phone back in his pocket. ¡°So what¡¯s going on here?¡± He gestured toward the mess of board game parts on the table.


    Maya didn¡¯t want to lie, so she kept it vague, ¡°It¡¯s just some Pokemon board game. I think it¡¯s missing some pieces, we should find another table probably.¡±


    ¡°Sure, I could use a drink in all honesty,¡± Ben said, and headed toward the food table, with Maya quick to follow.


    To Maya¡¯s surprise, the table had a wide selection to choose from. Bottles of water, cans of pop, even juice pouches, which she internally giggled at. As for food, she noticed a box of donuts, a fruit and veggie tray, and two empty pizza boxes. Sad at the lack of pizza, she grabbed a bottle of water and watched Ben. It was cute how he carefully studied every single item with fierce intent, as if this was the most important decision of his whole day. Eventually, after nearly two full minutes of contemplating, he walked toward her with a juice pouch in one hand and a powdered donut in the other.


    She couldn¡¯t help but laugh. ¡°Aww, you got your snacky?¡±


    ¡°Shut up,¡± he said with a dismissive hand wave. ¡°You wish so badly that you were cool enough to drink juice in public.¡±


    ¡°Shouldn¡¯t you have at least grabbed a paper plate? Or like¡­ even a napkin?¡±


    ¡°Nope.¡± He took a large bite out of the donut, powdered sugar falling all down the front of his shirt. ¡°If my hands get messy I¡¯ll just wipe them on you.¡±


    ¡°Whatever, weirdo. Let¡¯s go find a table.¡±


    Luckily there was a small empty one nearby, and Maya had no plans to introduce herself to anyone else new today. The two sat down together with only a few words being exchanged. Ben finished his food and sucked down the juice in record time, while Maya jokingly cheered him on.


    ¡°Big juice fan, I see,¡± she teased.


    ¡°Actually no, but I mean, kiwi watermelon. Gotta indulge now and then.¡±


    This tale has been pilfered from Royal Road. If found on Amazon, kindly file a report.


    ¡°Of course.¡± Maya found herself smiling, brighter than she had in months.


    This is kind of  a date, right? You know, one of those dates where he eats like a child after soccer practice. But we¡¯re sitting together, talking, eating, we have a good back-and-forth too¡­


    The thought was dismissed as soon as her stomach twisted again. Sure, he was cute and flirty, but she wasn¡¯t going to put up with feeling sick every single time they talked. Plus, it was early enough to stomp out the crush she was developing. It wouldn¡¯t even feel bad, they¡¯ve literally met twice! Yes, that was the solution.


    I will simply not care. SO easy.


    ¡°So,¡± Ben began, ¡°I figure we should actually get to know each other a bit if we¡¯re gonna be club buddies.¡±


    Ew, club buddies?? Yeah, this really will be easy. ¡°Sounds like a good idea, what kind of stuff do you wanna know?¡±


    ¡°Eh, just basic stuff for now. Like, how long have you been transitioning? I¡¯m guessing you started sort of young?¡±


    ¡°Yeah actually, I was sixteen, so it¡¯s been about four years,¡± Maya said. Woah, d¨¦j¨¤ vu. How many more people are gonna ask me that today?


    ¡°Wow, that¡¯s great that you got to start that young. It¡¯s only been two years for me.¡±


    ¡°Well, you look like it¡¯s been your whole life, honestly.¡± Maya flinched. Was that a weird thing to say?


    Ben smiled. It was a genuine smile, not the smug grin she¡¯d seen all the other times. ¡°Thanks. You too, really.¡±


    Maya thankfully didn¡¯t blush or say anything awkward. Normally she would have, but at the time her mind was just an endless stream of her thinking stupid stupid stupid stupid, so it didn¡¯t occur to her.


    ¡°Thanks! It was a long process, but I¡¯m happier now than ever before, so¡­ worth it!¡± Maya threw up her hands in excitement.


    ¡°Huh,¡± Ben said. His eyes followed her hands for a moment. ¡°Your hands look pretty small. Here, hold them out for me.¡±


    Stupid stupid stupi¨C AHH! Her face flushed. He probably just wants to feel better about his hands or something. Yeah, he doesn¡¯t actually care about my hands, that would be so weird! Maya gulped, and slowly set her hands on the table, facing the ceiling.


    In response, Ben hovered his hands palm side down over hers. ¡°Hmm, soft¡­¡± he muttered a few things under his breath. ¡°Yeah, I have no clue how you can hold anything with those things.¡± The grin was back, this time with his tongue poking out.


    ¡°Hey! Not fair, you¡¯re just a bit taller than me, is all.¡±


    ¡°No way, we¡¯re about the same height, no? Have you been wearing heels this whole time?¡± Ben looked under the table for a second then looked back very confused.


    ¡°You¡¯re five-nine?¡± Maya asked.


    ¡°Yes? Duh? Hello? Can you seriously not tell when someone¡¯s the same height as you?¡±


    ¡°Umm, no I guess I¡¯ve never been good at guessing height¡­¡± Her hands started to pull away.


    ¡°Wait, keep your hands there for another second,¡± Ben said. The look he gave made her worried but she complied. Slowly, his hands drifted down until they rested on top of hers.


    Whatwhatwhat why is he doing this what we¡¯re holding hands WHAT why. Her mind leapt from thought to thought. It wasn¡¯t until his hands were back by his side that she realized what had happened. After he pulled away, there was a white, powdery residue all over her hands.


    ¡°Are you kidding me!¡± She stood up and shook some of it onto the floor. ¡°Didn¡¯t you call me a twelve year old last week? And then you do this, really mature. I told you to grab a napkin, idiot.¡±


    While Maya proceeded to berate and scold him, Ben just kept grinning. ¡°And I told you that I would wipe them on you, don¡¯t pretend you weren¡¯t warned.¡±


    Maybe I need to make new friends here¡­ Why did I even think I liked him in the first place? He¡¯s a literal manchild. ¡°Can you at least reach into my backpack for me? I have a couple of wet wipes in there.¡± She kicked the bag toward him, her glare trying to burn holes through him.


    ¡°Of course, I¡¯m not a monster.¡± He reached down and set the bag on his lap. For a few seconds he shuffled through it, then pulled out a tiny white packet. ¡°Here,¡± he said, tossing the packet to her.


    ¡°Thanks for solving the problem you caused.¡± She tore them open and started to clean the powdery grime off of her.


    ¡°I saw your calculus book in there, you an engineering major or something?¡±


    ¡°Wow,¡± Maya raised her eyebrows, ¡°nosy much? No, bio major, they just want me to take calc for some reason, it¡¯s so dumb.¡±


    ¡°Ah, that sucks. Yeah I have to take a bunch of random classes too. I mean I am an engineering major, so, if you need help with math stuff I could help you a bit. Only if you need it! Not saying you will¡­¡±


    It wasn¡¯t certain, but she swore she saw his face flush red for a moment. Woah, was he just embarrassed? Maybe he¡¯s not as bulletproof as I thought.


    ¡°We¡¯ll see,¡± Maya said. ¡°What sort of random classes do you have to do?¡±


    ¡°So apparently you need an art course because it ¡®helps you visualize your projects better¡¯ or some other fake reason. But by the time my advisor told me that, there were two options open so I went with ceramics.¡±


    ¡°Wait, on Tuesdays? 10am? Because I¡¯m taking that class too!¡± She realized how excited she sounded after the words left her mouth, but she didn¡¯t mind it this time.


    ¡°Oh! Well¡­ nice! Maybe you can be the one helping me out, then, because I¡¯ve never understood how that wheel thingy is supposed to work.¡±


    ¡°I can do that! I loved pottery class in high school and I bet I can make you a master of the wheel in less than a day.¡±


    ¡°Is that a promise?¡± Ben held his pinkie out toward her.


    Rolling her eyes, she wrapped her finger around his. ¡°It¡¯s a promise¡­ twelve year old.¡±


    They continued to talk for nearly an hour, covering everything from their shared love of corny reality shows, to their first revelations about being trans. And any time a lull did happen, it didn¡¯t feel awkward. Nobody had ever made her feel comfortable sitting in silence like that before, but something about Ben just made her happy to be near him.


    ¡°I was walking across campus,¡± Ben said at one point, ¡°and I saw two squirrels clawing at each other, having some kinda slap fight. It was so crazy. I wish I took a video.¡±


    Maya just giggled and appreciated how easily Ben could make her feel happy. It was admittedly a boring story, and yet they were both still fully engrossed in each other. Maya didn''t know if the crush was just getting out of hand, but she couldn¡¯t shake the feeling that Ben would be a very important person in her life for years to come.


    Toward the end of the meeting, Maya noticed Ben frowning at the opposite side of the room. Following his gaze, she saw what drew him in. A small crowd was once again gathered around the front table.


    ¡°What do you think that¡¯s about?¡± she asked.


    ¡°Not sure, wanna find out?¡± He stood up and turned to her, awaiting a response.


    Maya couldn¡¯t think of a reason not to, and found herself following Ben across the room again. At the table, the crowd was already thinning a bit. Five clipboards could be seen spread out on the table, with most of them currently being written on.


    ¡°I think this is sign-ups for that Activities Fair they talked about last week,¡± Ben said to her. ¡°Did you still want to do that together?¡±


    ¡°Is there even room on the sign-up sheet? I mean we were pretty late, they might have enough people by now.¡±


    ¡°Yeah, only three names are there, and one is crossed out. Here, I¡¯ll put us down.¡±


    I wonder if Sam is one of the names¡­ Maya wanted a chance to apologize, but also didn¡¯t want more opportunities to make things worse. Still, she wasn¡¯t going to say no to more time with Ben. Even though she totally had no interest in him anymore, that crush was definitely suppressed. She just thought he was cool, that¡¯s all. Yeah. Also cute.


    ¡°There,¡± Ben stepped away from the table, ¡°we¡¯re going to have to meet up with the rest of the people on this list next week and get a plan going.¡±


    Maya nodded, a little distracted now that she had started looking at all of the clipboards. Each of the five had a big letter at the top: L G B T and Q+. L had the most, which Maya sort of expected, almost a full sheet. B and Q+ had a decent amount, about half a sheet. G had four, which really shocked her. That must be every gay dude in the whole club. She was a little confused why the T ended up with the least names. She stepped closer and read through the list but none of the names looked familiar. Huh, no Sam. I hope she didn¡¯t leave early and miss sign-ups.


    ¡°I thought there were more trans people there than that¡­¡± Maya said to Ben as they left the table.


    ¡°Lots of them probably signed up to work on other sections instead. That¡¯s fine, it means we¡¯ll have more say on our section. We should brainstorm a little before next week.¡± The two returned to their bags, but did not sit. ¡°I have to get my books still before classes start up, want to come with? It¡¯s not far to walk.¡±


    ¡°I know it¡¯s not far,¡± Maya said, ¡°I was literally just there before this.¡±


    ¡°Is that a no?¡±


    ¡°...I¡¯ll come with. Besides, it¡¯s nice out.¡±


    The pair grabbed their bags and began the short walk to the bookstore. Like before, they simply flowed from one aimless, dumb topic to the next, and neither of them could be happier. Maya enjoyed walking with him through such a familiar place. The gentle stream trickling next to them, the leaves even redder than last week. It was just nice to enjoy the things she liked with someone who she¡­ well, liked.


    ¡°Hey, weren¡¯t we supposed to talk about the art project?¡± Maya eventually brought up.


    ¡°Ah, yeah,¡± Ben said, ¡°almost took you on this walk for nothing.¡±


    Maya huffed. ¡°The bus stop is right in front of the bookstore anyway. No, seriously, you¡¯ve got to have some ideas in your head already, right? I wanna hear them!¡±


    Ben tilted his head from side to side for a moment before speaking. ¡°Okay, I do have a couple things, but I want to hear if you can come up with anything first. Deal?¡±


    ¡°Alright, deal.¡±


    About ten seconds of silence passed while Maya quickly thought up as many ideas as she possibly could. Which, in this case, was one.


    ¡°So, let¡¯s say,¡± Maya started waving her hands in the air to enhance her speech, ¡°we have a big letter T. You know, for trans.¡±


    ¡°Is that it? Aren¡¯t you big into pottery, don¡¯t you need a little creativity for that?¡±


    ¡°I wasn¡¯t done!¡± Maya playfully shoved his arm. She would have time to lay in bed thinking about that later, though, for now she was slighted and on the defense. ¡°The big letter T would be like a tree. And the tree is¡­ like¡­¡± Maya started to realize how much she hated her own idea, but continued nonetheless, ¡°the tree is the Garden of Eden and¡­ Adam and Eve¡­ Actually nevermind.¡± She stuffed her hands in her pockets and looked down.


    ¡°That¡¯s uhh, definitely interesting.¡±


    ¡°Shut up! You gave me like ten seconds to think of it. Why don¡¯t you tell me your idea, huh? Then we¡¯ll see who feels judgy.¡± Maya turned her nose up and away from him.


    Ben chuckled at the extreme offense she took. ¡°You know, I was thinking, and my idea is honestly a little too good to say before we meet up with the rest of the group. Guess you¡¯ll just have to wait and see! Until next time!¡± He waved and disappeared into the old brick building they were next to.


    Jeez, we¡¯re already at the bookstore, Maya thought as she looked at her surroundings. That was goodbye, right? It would be weird if I followed him in to get his books, yeah, duh, don¡¯t do that. Now alone, she sluggishly headed forward to the bus stop a few yards away and plopped onto the bench. Within seconds her phone buzzed.


    It was from Ethan. ¡°Hey! I kinda want pizza for dinner, you hungry?¡±


    ¡°Sure! I just got paid so that¡¯s great timing.¡±


    Mmm, pizza. A few times during the meeting she considered getting up for a snack from the table, but she didn¡¯t want to risk missing out on any extra time to talk with Ben.


    Another buzz, this time from an unknown number. ¡°Maya! It¡¯s Mophead. Texting you so you can have my number too, see ya next week. Looking forward to it.¡±


    Oh wow, he¡¯s looking forward to seeing me! She felt lightheaded, but in the best way. This is going to be such a great semester.

 Earth to Maya

    Karen plopped down into the seat next to Maya. ¡°This has been the most boring shift ever,¡± she said. And she wasn¡¯t wrong. Normally they loved a quiet shift, but there had been less than ten customers since opening. A person can only straighten a shelf so many times before losing what makes them human.


    ¡°That¡¯s why I¡¯m hiding here until someone comes in,¡± Maya replied. The break room was hardly big enough for the furniture crammed inside of it, leading some employees to joke that it was a repurposed supply closet. It served its purpose well enough for her though. Two folding chairs, a tiny card table, and a mini-fridge. Who would dare ask for more?


    Maya had hoped to kill a little more time before having to work again. Luckily, Karen seemed happy to help. Afraid of appearing rude, she rushed to finish a text to Ethan before setting her phone on the table. He wanted to hang out again which was becoming very common. Over the last two weeks he had asked to meet up at least every other day. Even with classes starting the week before, she didn¡¯t necessarily mind. It was¡­ different from how he normally behaved.


    ¡°So, has your first week of classes been fun?¡± The question floated over Maya¡¯s head for a moment until she straightened her posture and turned to face Karen properly.


    ¡°Yeah! Really easy stuff so far, except for my lab.¡± Her expression soured.


    ¡°Oh? Already sick of working with test tubes and all that?¡±


    ¡°It¡¯s not only that,¡± Maya sighed. ¡°They just make you write a bunch of stuff before and after, even if it¡¯s the simplest experiment ever. Lots of hypothesizing and analyzing and blah blah blah.¡± She made sure to put extreme emphasis on any word over two syllables.


    ¡°Ew, yeah, don¡¯t blame ya. But isn¡¯t that a big part of biology?¡±


    Maya threw her head back and groaned. ¡°I know, I know. I¡¯m hoping I can get used to everything. It¡¯s only been a week, right?¡±


    ¡°Yup, stay positive, girl! You¡¯ll get there.¡±


    Maya had to fight the urge to smile. Girl. She really doesn¡¯t see me as a guy, does she. She¡¯d worked there for over a year at this point, and was clearly stealth, but still could not shake the feeling that everyone secretly pitied her. They just don¡¯t want to upset me, there must be a rumor going around at least. Passing was nothing more than a pipe dream from the very start of her transition. It wasn¡¯t actually possible, right? Just an unattainable goal to help her progress but never actually meant to be achieved.


    No, that¡¯s silly. She obviously passed, her co-workers would have slipped up by now otherwise. From day one they¡¯ve treated her as a woman. Maya knew she was insane for doubting herself after such a long time, but always found herself doing it when her mind wandered too much.


    ¡°What would really help you,¡± Karen said, pulling her out of the spiral, ¡°is having some fun! Get out of the house, away from work or school. See a movie with friends, go to a party, let loose!¡±


    ¡°I¡¯m not really super social¡­not a lot of friends to do stuff with.¡± Before transition she had a small group of friends, and now it was just Ethan. Oh, and Ben. I guess we can say we¡¯re friends now.


    ¡°Oh don¡¯t say that, you have friends! What about that Ethan guy, you¡¯ve talked about him before. And you insist he isn¡¯t your boyfriend so what else would you call him?¡±


    ¡°I guess so, but I already hang out with him and it hasn¡¯t helped with stress too much. And he¡¯s sort of acting differently recently.¡±


    ¡°Different how?¡± Karen asked. She was fully facing Maya with her elbows on the table.


    Ah jeez, how do I do this¡­


    Maya thought back to every interaction she¡¯d had with Ethan recently. Lots of getting food, watching movies, normal friend stuff. But she noticed little changes each time. He gradually shifted to more compliments instead of typical banter, like he was afraid to upset her. His tone was different too. The gloomy voice she knew for years had more purpose in it. Some newfound source of confidence she wagered.


    She figured the biggest change was that he didn¡¯t talk about girls anymore. Before, he would talk Maya¡¯s ear off about crushes, celebrities, random strangers they passed would be brought up moments they were out of earshot. She never liked it, truth be told, but she also didn¡¯t see it as a huge deal to put up with. Even after she transitioned he would do it, then he just suddenly stopped one day.


    Obviously she was not about to complain. It was nice to talk without having to see through the lens of a straight guy¡¯s mind. And she wouldn¡¯t admit it, but it made her jealous every time he would ogle another woman in front of her. Well maybe not jealous, inadequate was a better word, as if she could never compete with a cis woman.


    So no, it wasn¡¯t a bad change in her eyes, but it did make her think something was off. Maybe he finally picked up on how uncomfortable it made me? Or maybe he¡¯s finally mature enough to be done with all that. Both good thoughts, yet it still felt like wishful thinking.


    If she wasn¡¯t trans she might have assumed Ethan had a crush on her.


    Well, could he? No. He¡¯s dated actual women before, he wouldn¡¯t waste time with me.


    There was also a conversation they had last week that Maya had tried her best to block from memory. It really wasn¡¯t a huge deal. He just phrased some things¡­ strangely? They were at their go-to pizza place when the mood got weird.


    ¡°Have you thought of dating anybody? Sophomore now and you still haven¡¯t had a college boyfriend.¡± Ethan asked. He was always a little forward with his questions.


    ¡°Wha¨C umm¨C I don¡¯t¡­¡± Maya didn¡¯t expect to get caught off guard while waiting for her pizza. She had been trying to fold a napkin into her lap, but found herself shredding it into a mess. ¡°I¡¯m just worried, you know. Since I¡¯m trans¡­¡±


    ¡°Ah, yeah, that would complicate things. If they didn¡¯t know.¡± Ethan took off his glasses and wiped them with a cloth he kept in his pocket. Maya admired how he never had a hair out of place. Not only hygiene, but his whole vibe. Stylish, sleek glasses, obscure but affordable clothes brands, his shiny slick hair was kept trim and styled in whatever trend was going on at the time. He was more well put together than most people a decade older than him, let alone compared to college students.


    He certainly cares about appearances¡­ which makes it even weirder that he would be okay being seen in public with me.


    ¡°But you know,¡± Ethan continued, ¡°this is a pretty progressive school. I doubt most guys would care, and those that do wouldn¡¯t be especially rude about it.¡±


    ¡°Maybe¡­ not really anyone I¡¯m interested in, anyway.¡±


    ¡°Nobody? No one in any of your classes? Or what about your gay club?¡±


    Ben.


    ¡°Nah.¡± she said.


    I like Ben.


    ¡°No one has caught my eye or anything,¡± she muttered.


    I like Ben a lot.


    ¡°I¡¯ve met a couple cool people at the LGBTQ club, but no sparks.¡±


    But I can¡¯t talk about guys with him, that would be weird, right? And we just met, we don¡¯t really know each other. I¡¯m being too optimistic.


    ¡°What about you? It¡¯s not like you have a girlfriend yet.¡± She turned the pressure back to Ethan.


    ¡°You know, I¡¯m just figuring some stuff out first,¡± he said.


    ¡°Stuff? What, like if you want to date a blonde again or not?¡±


    ¡°No, I mean important stuff. Like if pursuing something could ruin something else.¡±


    What? Does he mean¨C


    Thankfully the pizza had arrived before she could finish her thought.


    Karen was still on the other side of the table, eager as ever to hear Maya spill her secrets. ¡°How was he acting different? You think maybe he has a girlfriend he¡¯s afraid to tell you about?¡±


    ¡°Actually,¡± Maya realized how impossible it would be to explain to her without outing herself. ¡°I think he¡¯s dealing with, umm, family issues?¡± Another lie told to Karen. She felt bad each time it happened. Better than telling a gossip lover my biggest secret.


    ¡°Oh, well, let¡¯s hope things work out okay for him.¡±


    ¡°Yeah¡­¡±


    ¡°Even without him, you¡¯re in a study club now, right? Try talking to some people there! That¡¯s the beauty of clubs, making friends you can keep outside of them.¡±


    ¡°I know, you¡¯re right.¡± I guess there¡¯s no harm in telling her about Ben, right? I¡¯ll keep the details light. ¡°Actually I did meet someone there who¡¯s pretty cool.¡± Karen¡¯s face lit up. Here we go.


    ¡°Seriously? Tell me about ¡®em! Everything, seriously, there¡¯s nothing else to do, so spare no details.¡±


    I am just digging hole after hole over here, huh.


    ¡°He¡¯s umm, getting an engineering degree. He¡¯s a year above me.¡±


    Karen rolled her eyes. ¡°Wow, so interesting. What does he look like? Is he cute? Are you in love with him?¡±


    ¡°Karen!¡± Maya almost choked.


    ¡°I¡¯m joking! Relax, girl. But you like him, right? I can see you blushing. You need to stop befriending so many men, you¡¯re becoming a real heartbreaker.¡±


    Maya¡¯s whole chest tightened up. I hate you Karen, I hate you so much. ¡°He¡¯s umm¡­ cute. I guess.¡± Her stomach began to tie itself into knots.


    ¡°Tell me more!¡±


    Maya nodded her head, buying time for her nausea to die down. ¡°So we actually have a class together.¡±


    ¡°Very nice! Have you spent any time together outside of school stuff?¡±


    ¡°Not really, just club and class. We are working together on a project for the club, with a couple other people.¡±


    ¡°What sort of study club gives you extra projects?¡± Karen raised an eyebrow.


    ¡°It¡¯s volunteer only. Just a little thing for the activities fair.¡±


    ¡°Huh, okay. Sounds fun, maybe I can come see it while the fair is runni¨C¡±


    ¡°No!¡± Maya shouted. Very normal reaction, great job, Maya. She tried to smooth things over, since Karen was looking at her much in the same way a normal person looks at someone in a full Star Wars cosplay. ¡°It¡¯s supposed to rain. So you probably wouldn¡¯t want to check it out.¡±


    Her explanation did nothing to change how Karen was looking at her. ¡°Why is the fair planned for a day with rain? Isn¡¯t it in a month anyway? They have flyers all over the store here.¡±


    ¡°Well, it might rain. They aren¡¯t sure. Weather can be pretty unpredictable, you know how it goes.¡±


    ¡°Yeah Maya, it might rain every day, that¡¯s how it works. Anyway, it seems you don¡¯t want me meeting your new ¡®friend¡¯ so I¡¯ll leave it be.¡±


    Karen turned away and started scrolling through her phone. Great, I¡¯m such a nervous wreck that I hurt her feelings.


    ¡°That¡¯s not it, Karen, I promise.¡± She sighed inward, knowing she might regret telling more details to her co-worker. But she preferred it to losing the connection she had with her. ¡°Hey, want to hear about how our first class together went? It was kind of cute. In a fun way! Like a friend way.¡±


    This novel is published on a different platform. Support the original author by finding the official source.


    Karen smirked and turned back to the table. ¡°Well if you really want to tell me, yeah, let¡¯s hear it.¡±


    Maya took a deep breath. Okay, which details do I leave out¡­


    Ben had yet to respond to Maya that day, which was putting her on edge. It was only 11 a.m. and they were supposed to see each other for class anyway, but it still hurt.


    Why did I ask him that? She set a brisk pace that morning, afraid if she were any slower her anxious thoughts would catch up with her and take her down. He probably doesn¡¯t even like coffee, or he met someone cooler, or he dropped the class and didn¡¯t tell me. It would make sense, why else wouldn¡¯t he have at least said something?


    She paused when she noticed she was panting. Maybe I could slow down a touch. As she slowed and caught her breath, she looked around. The leaves on the ground were withering, the sky was overcast, the sidewalks were nearly deserted. She did see the brown speckled duck from before, but it was a few yards behind her. The stream bubbled and flowed quietly while Maya waited for her feathered friend to catch up.


    She wondered if the duck minded how cold the water was. It was the first day of the year cold enough to warrant a jacket, and the duck didn¡¯t seem very cozy. It let out a little quack every couple of seconds until it was swimming alongside her. Now walking side by side with her friend, she continued to her class. Her thoughts were calmer now, not as hectic and depressing. Still, the events of the morning replayed in her head.


    Ben and her had a good back-and-forth going in their texts. Nothing more than a handful a day, and they kept it light. So why did I mess things up? Maya felt confident that morning and excited to talk to Ben. More than that, she had cooked up an incredible plan for their first ceramics class later in the day. No, it was clearly an awful plan, look what happened. A simple text asking if he wanted to meet up before class for coffee. No response in three hours.


    Immediately after sending it, Maya felt confident. Why wouldn¡¯t he say yes, they were clearly having a good time together. Then twenty minutes passed. Her confidence began to wane. Maybe he was in the shower or slept in super late? After the hour mark she had to just listen to music on max volume to block out any thoughts. By the time Maya left to head to the class, a truth became apparent: it was over.


    He didn¡¯t like her. Of course, it was all obvious from the start. There was never any chance of them being more than friends, he just wanted someone to hang out with at the club. Was he cute? Yes. Was he funny? Yes. Did Maya melt any time he gave her the slightest bit of attention? Absolutely not¡­ from here on forward.


    Ceramics class was a closer walk than the club building, and soon Maya found herself ready to go inside. Physically ready. Mentally, she could have used a few more minutes. She waved goodbye to the duck and headed inside.


    The classroom was claustrophobic and musty. There were no more than five tables, each one with two stools behind it. What are the odds we both got in here in the first place? She thought as she wandered to the back of the room. Only two other people were there, sitting at the front table and quietly murmuring to each other.


    Maya swung her bag onto the table and sat down on a stool. Immediately it creaked and wobbled. Lovely. She hopped over to the stool next to her and pulled her bag towards her. Still creaky but no wobble.


    Class did not start for another ten minutes, but this was still the emptiest she had ever seen a room at her school. The silence was beginning to damage her. Every insecurity from the morning, plus some from the past week, swam around in her head. In a last ditch attempt to escape them, she planted her face into her bag on the table. It worked a little bit. The darkness made it easier to zone out if nothing else.


    She hoped the other people in the room weren¡¯t staring at her. Of course, any new person walking in would see her. Whatever. I¡¯ll exist in my own personal void. Nobody will ever  talk to me again, it will be perfect. More footsteps started filling the room. The sound of someone approaching her almost got her to look up, but one of the stools in front of her creaked and became quiet again. Hopefully nobody sits next to me. Except Ben. Though I doubt he would even want to sit with me if¨C


    ¡°Hello, Earth to Maya. You okay?¡± There it was. His voice.


    Maya shot up, grabbing runaway strands of hair and forcing them back into place. ¡°Ben!¡± She coughed a couple times, expelling any phlegm from her throat. ¡°Hey, what¡¯s up. Just umm, a little tired is all.¡±


    He was standing over the other stool she had abandoned earlier. ¡°I get ya, I¡¯m pretty exhausted too. I dropped my phone while walking home from the library last night. Took all morning to find it and now it¡¯s dead.¡±


    Yup. Of course. Of course there was an explanation. I¡¯m deranged, what is wrong with me? Why is it always the end of the world at every hiccup?


    ¡°Oh no! Good thing you found it,¡± she said.


    ¡°Hopefully I didn¡¯t miss any important calls. I¡¯m gonna have to charge it when I get home and catch up on everything.¡±


    ¡°I thought maybe something was wrong when you didn¡¯t respond to me this morning¡­ I asked if you wanted to get coffee before class, not a big deal.¡±


    ¡°Damn, now I¡¯m sad. That would have been great, way better than crawling around in the grass for two hours. Next week, okay?¡±


    Maya smiled. ¡°Yeah! Definitely¡­¡± He¡¯s so sweet, I knew he would never do anything like that. I get the dumbest ideas sometimes.


    Ben copied Maya and set his bag on the table. She thought about stopping him, but ultimately let him sit down on the stool.


    Again, it creaked and wobbled.


    ¡°Woah!¡± Ben started flailing his arms around. Maya reached out to grab his arm, stabilizing him until he stopped wobbling. ¡°Did you know about that?¡±


    She smirked and tilted her head. ¡°What, that the stool wobbled? No, of course not. I wouldn¡¯t let you embarrass yourself like that!¡±


    ¡°Uh huh, for some reason I don¡¯t believe you.¡±


    They both giggled for a moment then Maya looked down. She was still clinging on to his arm.


    ¡°Oh,¡± she frantically dropped it and leaned away, ¡°sorry.¡±


    ¡°Don¡¯t apologize, you saved my life! Imagine how messy that could have been.¡±


    ¡°Right, because wiping out in the old art room would have killed you.¡±


    ¡°Hey, you never know. There¡¯s probably ancient diseases in all the dirt on the floor. And I think I¡¯ve already seen two cockroaches since I walked in here.¡±


    Maya rolled her eyes at his exaggeration. She did note that her stomach was in much better shape than the morning prior. I wonder if it¡¯s because I¡¯m getting more comfortable around him¡­  Many crushes in her past caused her stomach to act funny, but none of them ever helped her relax. It was certainly a first.


    A few minutes and some small talk passed before the instructor entered. She was an older woman, not frail old, but intimidating old. Ice white hair in a bowl cut around her head, absurdly large cat-eye glasses on a chain around her neck, chaotic floral print pants, bright red lipstick. Definitely the type Maya would have expected to teach an art class when she was younger, but not at this age. She wondered how joyful she might have looked a decade or two ago, and how it slowly transformed to the fierce, stern look she kept on her face now.


    ¡°Hmm. Good turnout this year,¡± the woman said under her breath.


    Ben looked around and whispered to Maya, ¡°Seriously? We still have an empty table.¡±


    He was right. Maya counted only eight students there, including the two of them. ¡°Is this really more than they had last semester?¡± She whispered back to him. ¡°I didn¡¯t think they would let a class run with this tiny amount of people.¡±


    ¡°Maybe it¡¯s a grant thing, I don¡¯t know how colleges run.¡±


    Unfortunately, nothing interesting happened throughout the whole hour. Mostly just the instructor, who they now knew as Elise, talking about kiln safety and her history of teaching various art subjects. Apparently she started as a high school art teacher, but got offered a position at the university to teach art electives in her early thirties. For a brief moment while reminiscing, Maya thought she caught a smile on Elise¡¯s face.


    The class ended with a promise to actually work on the potters¡¯ wheels in their next class, along with a warning to wear old clothes they didn¡¯t care about. Maya and Ben left the building at the same time and agreed to walk to the bus stop together, even though they weren¡¯t getting on the same bus.


    ¡°I¡¯m excited to see what cool stuff you make,¡± Ben said.


    ¡°What makes you think I¡¯ll make anything cool?¡± Maya tugged her jacket closed.


    ¡°You said you loved pottery, right? Surely you¡¯ll make cooler stuff than I will.¡±


    ¡°Just because I enjoy it doesn¡¯t make me good at it. I mean you have hobbies, right?¡±


    ¡°Of course. Who doesn¡¯t have hobbies?¡±


    ¡°And are you really good at all those hobbies?¡± Her question hung in the air for a moment.


    ¡°Not exactly¡­¡± The conversation halted and a tension started building.


    Did I hit a nerve? What happened, what¡¯s wrong? I should say something qui¨C


    ¡°I like to run. You know, track and stuff.¡± Ben said before things built up too much.


    ¡°Oh, well that¡¯s fun. What, are you not as fast as you want or something?¡±


    He took a deep breath and opened his mouth to speak. Nothing happened though. They were getting closer to the bus stop, and Maya didn¡¯t want things to end awkwardly for the day.


    ¡°Actually, do you want to miss a bus?¡± Maya asked. ¡°There¡¯s a bench by a really pretty stream just past the stop and I really want some more fresh air after being in that dusty room for so long.¡±


    ¡°Sure, that sounds like a good idea.¡±


    The two walked past their stop and another hundred feet or so to sit down on the wooden bench she mentioned. Ben pointed out Maya¡¯s bus approaching but she brushed it off.


    ¡°They come by every twenty minutes, it¡¯s not a big deal,¡± she said. ¡°So running, right? I can¡¯t even jog for a few minutes without needing a break and a gallon of water.¡±


    ¡°Yeah, it¡¯s sorta something I¡¯ve always done since I was a kid. Not really a big deal.¡± His gaze was aimed at the stream ahead, avoiding eye contact with Maya.


    ¡°Were you on a team? Like in high school, or I think we have one here, actually. You might improve a lot if you were looking to get better.¡±


    ¡°I¡¯ve been on a team before, Maya. I¡¯ve just already hit my peak.¡± He started running his finger over the pattern etched into the bench. ¡°It¡¯s really fine, I still go for runs here and there. I don¡¯t need to be competitive to enjoy it.¡±


    ¡°What do you mean you¡¯ve hit your peak?¡± Maya asked. ¡°Did you get in an accident or something?¡±


    Ben gave an annoyed sigh. ¡°If you count being trans as an accident, then yeah, you could say that.¡±


    ¡°Oh¡­ right,¡± Maya whispered. ¡°Sorry, I don¡¯t know why I didn¡¯t think of that.¡±


    ¡°You¡¯re fine, I¡¯ve just had a hard time coming to terms with it all. The fact I¡¯ll never be at my full potential or have a chance to compete at top level, just because of how I was born.¡± He lifted a wood chip off the ground and chucked it toward the stream. ¡°I don¡¯t know, it just really sucks. Sorry for being rude.¡±


    ¡°Don¡¯t hormones help with that though? I mean you look completely normal, you have muscles and all that.¡±


    ¡°They do help. A lot, really. I can actually compete at lower ranks. But they don¡¯t make everything perfect. A slight tilt of my pelvis and I¡¯m handicapped from the whole thing forever. And don¡¯t get me started on locker room bullshit.¡±


    ¡°I can relate there¡­¡± Maya said. ¡°Sorry again, I really am.¡±


    Ben chuckled. ¡°Okay, okay, let¡¯s stop with the apologies. I¡¯m alright, I promise. It¡¯s good to talk with you about trans stuff, my friends seem weirded out whenever I do it.¡±


    ¡°Same, honestly. Well, most of my friends didn¡¯t want to stay friends after I came out, actually. And my co-workers all think I¡¯m cis¡­ I hope.¡±


    ¡°Jeez, that¡¯s terrible.¡±


    The pair sat in silence for a bit, recovering from the personal talk. In the distance, a duck was quacking loudly. Maya could tell it wasn¡¯t her duck friend though. It had a very distinct quack, as if duck accents were a thing.


    ¡°I should grab some thrift shop clothes before next class, huh?¡± Ben broke the silence.


    ¡°You don¡¯t have to buy anything, just get something old you don¡¯t care about.¡±


    ¡°I don¡¯t really have that many clothes, to be honest. I don¡¯t want to ruin anything I have.¡±


    Maya stifled a chuckle. Aww, he cares about his baggy jeans and lame shirt. ¡°Ya know, I have a couple old shirts from before I transitioned. I just use them for pottery anyway, you could have one. If you want.¡±


    ¡°Sure, if you think it¡¯ll fit.¡±


    ¡°Don¡¯t worry, I bought them when I had muscle mass, still.¡±


    Ben looked over Maya and started laughing. ¡°You? Muscle mass? I can¡¯t imagine you looking buff, I¡¯m sorry.¡±


    ¡°It wasn¡¯t a lot!¡± Maya blushed. She really didn¡¯t like the idea of him thinking of her as a guy. ¡°I only went to the gym for a couple months before giving up.¡±


    They were interrupted by a couple rain drops hitting their heads. They rushed over to the covered bus stop where a couple other people sat. Maya had no interest in these random people knowing she was trans but Ben¡¯s bus approached before she had to worry about it.


    ¡°Hey, I¡¯ll go charge my phone then text you, okay? We¡¯ll talk!¡± Ben spoke all the way up to the doors of the bus before hopping on and cruising away.


    Maya sat daydreaming about him until her bus arrived.


    She knew she couldn¡¯t tell Karen about all of the trans stuff, but also didn¡¯t want to get into how anxious she was all of the time. Well, I said I¡¯d tell her something¡­ She focused on the basic parts of the story, leaving out any mention of her or Ben¡¯s secret. Sadly, that meant revealing how much of a nervous wreck she was.


    ¡°Damn, you really are a mess, aren¡¯t you?¡± Karen said. ¡°You should check out a dating app, there¡¯s dozens of ¡®em these days.¡±


    ¡°But, I kind of like Ben. Why would I¨C¡±


    ¡°Not to date people, I¡¯m talking about a confidence boost! You could get a dozen matches before you can blink, I swear.¡±


    Maya thought for a moment, when the ringing of a customer entering the store alerted them.


    ¡°Finally, I never thought I¡¯d want to do work around here.¡± Karen got up and left the break room.


    The rest of her shift had enough people coming through the store that she didn¡¯t have to think about Karen¡¯s advice. Until she got home. She didn¡¯t have any roommates, not that any would fit in her apartment. The bedroom itself fits her bed, dresser, and¡­ nothing else. Technically a mirror and a calendar though they didn¡¯t require much space. The kitchen and living room were combined into one slightly roomy area, though she had done a poor job of decorating it so far. Forget decorating, she didn¡¯t even have a TV set up. It was nice not having the temptation to be distracted when she was working on homework, but during a moment like this, she yearned for anything to take her mind off of what Karen said. She flopped onto her couch and stared at her phone.


    A dating app. Just for confidence. Is that right though? It seems mean to flirt with someone just to feel better about myself, especially on an app designed for people actually connecting. At the same time, so many people use it, would anyone be that upset? I wouldn¡¯t talk to anyone too long. Besides, everyone else does it anyway. And maybe a confidence boost would help me calm down around Ben¡­


    She tried not to think about what she was doing as she downloaded the first dating app she saw on the store. In seconds she was setting up her profile. Location, gender and age preference, hobbies, favorite songs. As soon as she read it she filled in what first popped into her head. This isn¡¯t too bad, actually. I thought it would be harder. Then she got to the final part. About me¡­ About me¡­ What about me do I say? I already told it a bunch of stuff about me, what more could it want? Oh. Right. In the past, she always told herself she would disclose her trans status before going on a real date with anyone. Better to be rejected right away than tell guy after guy, right?


    With her trans status now on her profile, she made it public. This is such a ridiculous idea. How long can stealth last when I display me being trans to the whole internet. She decided to take down her profile and delete the app when a message popped up. Oh! That really was fast. Okay Karen, maybe you know what you¡¯re doing. Another one. I guess I should read them, huh.


    The first one was a little disappointing, though expected. The classic dick pic. Blocked. Let¡¯s hope the other one is¨C Maya stared at her phone for a minute.


    A simple ¡°kill yourself freak¡± was all it took for her to delete the app. It wasn¡¯t the first time anyone had said that to her, but it had been a couple of years.


    She regretted saying she was trans on the app, she regretted downloading the app, she was starting to regret ever transitioning in the first place.


    Sorry Karen, stuff like this isn¡¯t for people like me.

 Pretty Mean

    Nobody was talking. Inside the club room Maya and Ben sat on one side of the table, and a pair they had just met twenty minutes earlier, Jamie and Sky, on the other. Both were non-binary members of the club and signed up to work on the trans section of the fair. The group was supposed to be planning out a design, but the previous conversation had left a bad taste in everyone¡¯s mouth.


    It started with a simple suggestion from Maya. An idea to put a small statue staring at a mirror with a horrible, disgusting creature on the other side. Intending to represent gender dysphoria in its most extreme form, she was proud of it and figured the others would at least consider it. And Ben seemed to like it! The other two, however, were not as interested.


    ¡°I¡¯m just not sure this is the experience for all trans people, ya know?¡± Jamie said.


    ¡°Oh okay, sorry. What do you think would be a better representation?¡± Maya asked.


    Sky spoke this time, ¡°We were actually talking before this and thought something along the lines of someone breaking free from the chains of societal expectations would be perfect.¡±


    Ben let out a sardonic laugh.


    Why is he laughing? Does he want them both to hate him?


    Jamie glared at him. ¡°You don¡¯t like our idea?¡±


    Before he could retort, Maya intervened. ¡°I think that¡¯s really good too! My only concern is that¡­ my ¡®chains¡¯ feel more biological than societal, I suppose.¡±


    ¡°Yeah!¡± Sky said, ¡°That¡¯s a great point, maybe one chain can represent society and the other can be biology.¡±


    Maya smiled. ¡°That sounds good!¡±


    But Jamie and Ben were not smiling. In fact, they looked quite upset.


    ¡°I guess¡­¡± Ben muttered.


    Jamie set their hand on the table. ¡°You should be happy we¡¯re even doing a compromise. We showed this idea to lots of people and they all loved it.¡±


    ¡°Yeah?¡± Ben leaned forward to speak, ¡°Well, you should be happy you¡¯re even allowed to work on this section.¡±


    Ben, what are you doing?? Why is everyone getting this upset about a dumb project?


    Maya and Sky both sank down into their seats and exchanged worried glances.


    ¡°Really?¡± Jamie started to raise their voice. ¡°And which section would you allow us to work on, huh?¡±


    ¡°The Q seems more appropriate, don¡¯t you think? Aren¡¯t most of the people working on it non-binary anyway?¡± Ben¡¯s voice rose to match.


    She could feel the intense heat of Ben silently fuming next to her. It obviously wasn¡¯t his first time having this type of discussion. I had no clue people argued about stuff like this.


    ¡°Guys,¡± Maya broke the silence, ¡°we¡¯re all trans, we¡¯re all doing this together, I¡¯m sure we can find a middle ground that we all¨C¡±


    ¡°Clearly he doesn¡¯t think so,¡± Jamie gestured toward Ben.


    Maya¡¯s head started to hurt. This club was supposed to help her feel like part of a community, like she had a home. But this felt nothing like that. It was just the real world again on a smaller scale. People fighting and arguing and not seeing eye-to-eye.


    ¡°Right,¡± Ben said. ¡°I don¡¯t think we¡¯re the same. It¡¯s obvious we have different experiences than you.¡± He stood up, overshadowing the whole table. ¡°You didn¡¯t transition, you didn¡¯t grow up hating your body, you don¡¯t have to rely on the healthcare system for hormones. You¡¯re so incredibly detached from what being trans is.¡±


    Jamie stood up as well. ¡°You don¡¯t know anything about me. My struggles being different doesn¡¯t mean they don¡¯t exist. I was assigned one gender at birth, now I identify as another. That¡¯s trans, right? Same as you? Do you think the hormones you take make you special? Whatever, you aren¡¯t worth the energy. I¡¯ll join the other group if you promise to never talk to me again.¡± They grabbed their bag and left the table.


    Sky began to follow suit, albeit looking more reluctant than their friend. They met eyes with Maya and shrugged. Maya wanted to say sorry, only able to mouth the word before they were gone.


    Ben sighed, staring up at the ceiling. For a minute or two he didn¡¯t say a word. Maya wondered what could have been going on inside his head.


    ¡°I was really mean there, wasn¡¯t I?¡± Ben asked. He turned toward Maya for confirmation.


    ¡°Yeah¡­ yeah, that was pretty mean,¡± Maya said. The normal cheery tone she had whenever she spoke with him was missing.


    In the few weeks that they had known each other, Ben never showed anger like that. Sadness, once or twice, but not anger. This is a whole new side of him. Is this who I want to associate with? Why did that feel so cruel? He¡¯s never like that with me. Is there some history there I don¡¯t know about? Still, there has to be some better way for him to feel represented than whatever that just was. She was finding it hard to look him in the eye.


    A few seconds passed without them saying a word, then Ben sat back down. ¡°Sorry, I probably made you a new enemy for no reason.¡± He set his head in his hands. ¡°It¡¯s just tiresome. I hate the idea that somebody would think I transitioned just to ¡®stick it to society¡¯ or whatever. You know?¡±


    ¡°I get that¡­ it would bother me too. But do you think doing their idea would make people think that about you?¡± Maya asked. She was determined to find out why that side of Ben showed itself the way it did.


    ¡°It might. People have thought that in the past.¡± Ben turned his head away from Maya. ¡°It¡¯s part of the reason I only transitioned a couple years ago.¡±


    Maya felt a pit start to form in her stomach. Not the normal nausea from talking with Ben, instead it was a feeling of dread that she was about to hear something awful.


    ¡°I knew I was trans when I was really young,¡± Ben turned back toward Maya. ¡°Much younger than when I started. My parents weren¡¯t supportive at all. Nobody in my family was. They told me I was delusional, that it was a coping mechanism, that all young ¡¯women¡¯ hate their bodies. I had to wait until I was on my own to start transitioning. So much of my youth was wasted¡­¡±


    It was hard for Maya to respond. Going through such an awful experience for so long, did that give him the right to be so vicious to Jamie? Obviously not. Tears still welled up in her eyes at hearing Ben¡¯s struggles though. As much as she wanted to reprimand him, she also knew he was hurting and wanted to console him. ¡°I¡¯m sorry. My parents weren''t supportive at first, but they did finally come around. I wish yours were the same¡­¡±


    ¡°Me too.¡± Ben sat up straight and started to fumble around in his bag. ¡°I just don¡¯t get why anyone would choose to live like this. It¡¯s insane to me.¡±


    Maya wished she had an answer that would make everyone happy. A way to explain both sides to each other without any ill will left over. Unfortunately, she hadn¡¯t even known this schism in the community existed until today.


    However, Ben seemed fine without an answer and pulled a notebook out of his bag. ¡°Here, let¡¯s keep working out ideas. We could at least have something come from all of this.¡± He began to jot down some of the concepts that had already been discussed.


    The sounds of him quickly scribbling on paper somehow put Maya a little more at ease. Well, the crisis was most certainly NOT averted but I guess it¡¯s gone for now. Her tears had dried up and she could see clearly again. After a few deep breaths she realized Ben was mumbling to himself. Though she couldn¡¯t make out the words, she still thought it was cute. It grounded her, reminded her that she really liked the cute, passionate, offbeat guy next to her. Maybe she could get him to chill out or change his mind on everything that happened with Jamie and Sky.


    ¡°Honestly I think we can just go with your original idea,¡± Ben said. ¡°I¡¯m not sure we can come up with a better way to express dysphoria.¡±


    ¡°I¡¯m sure we could improve it a tiny bit,¡± Maya responded. ¡°You said you had some good ideas, right? Tell me!¡±


    Ben¡¯s eyes shifted to the side and he sighed. ¡°No, I was kidding. Sorry. I couldn¡¯t think of anything.¡±


    ¡°Oh¡­¡± Maya wasn¡¯t sure she believed him but she was still feeling too raw from all the earlier conversations to pry. ¡°That¡¯s fine. You should come up with at least one thing that could improve my design, okay?¡±


    ¡°Fine, fine, make me somewhat useful I guess.¡± He tried to hide his smile but Maya saw it immediately. ¡°Hmm, so a person looking at a mirror and seeing a monster. Were you thinking of a man or a woman?¡±


    ¡°I guess I was thinking of a woman, since it made sense to me. But we can make it about a man! I really don¡¯t mind.¡±


    ¡°Nah, don¡¯t worry about it.¡± Ben stayed silent for a while, just tapping his pen on the table. ¡°Actually,¡± his head perked up, ¡°what if we do both? Like, a man and a woman on each side of the mirror, staring at each other and hating it because¡­ ah never mind.¡±


    ¡°No, keep going!¡±


    ¡°Like they¡¯re both afraid they look like the opposite and it sort of points out the tragedy of it all. They both desperately want what the other has, but it¡¯s impossible to share with each other.¡± Ben started to write but stopped quickly. ¡°No, that¡¯s stupid. The monster idea is better.¡±


    ¡°I like it!¡± Maya put her hand on his notebook and leaned toward him. ¡°I think that¡¯s really really good! You should write that down.¡±


    ¡°Really?¡± Ben reluctantly picked his pen back up.


    ¡°Yes, really! It doesn¡¯t favor trans women over trans men, it points out something lots of people might not think about. It takes it all to another level!¡±


    ¡°Okay. I guess I¡¯ll write it down.¡±


    Maya smiled from ear to ear as she watched him put his idea on the page. It made her hopeful again, after the immense doubt that struck her earlier. ¡°What should the people look like, you think? It would be weird if they looked like us, right?¡±


    ¡°I mean they don¡¯t have to look exactly like us, a pretty generic looking man and woman would be best to get the message across.¡±


    ¡°So not visibly trans?¡± Maya asked.


    ¡°What?¡± Ben stopped writing. ¡°We don¡¯t have to. Do you think that you look visibly trans?¡±


    ¡°Umm, is that a trick question?¡±


    Ben shook his head. ¡°You¡¯re so stupid,¡± he spoke under his breath.


    ¡°Hey! You¡¯re not that quiet, you know.¡±


    ¡°Sorry,¡± Ben fixed his eyes on her. ¡°You¡¯re SO stupid!¡±


    A few heads from nearby tables turned to face them.


    ¡°Keep your voice down!¡± Maya hissed through her teeth. He didn¡¯t seem to notice or care about the people around them. Instead, he flashed her a goofy smile and continued on.


    ¡°How can you think you don¡¯t pass when I literally didn¡¯t realize you were trans when we first met?¡± Ben asked. ¡°And don¡¯t you have a job where none of your co-workers know?¡±


    Maya refused to accept the convincing point he had just made. ¡°I think you¡¯re just trying to get me to shut up. You can¡¯t say it¡¯s not obvious now that you know.¡±


    ¡°Yeah, true. Didn¡¯t think about that, thanks for pointing it out.¡± Ben went back to jotting down in his notebook.


    ¡°Okay hold on, seriously?¡± Maya said.


    ¡°No!¡± He didn¡¯t look at her as he spoke. ¡°You just look like a cute college girl, nothing weird.¡±


    Maya blushed. Stupid. He¡¯s just trying to get me all flustered. An idea popped into her head. We¡¯ll see how he handles a bit of his own medicine. She smirked and started to speak in a very dramatic voice. ¡°I guess you¡¯re right. And you¡¯re just the average university stud that all the girls fawn over. We¡¯re just a couple of normal people.¡±


    This story originates from a different website. Ensure the author gets the support they deserve by reading it there.


    Ben stopped and smirked back. ¡°Girls fawn over me, huh? Any in particular?¡±


    ¡°Umm, well, not like uh¨C¡± Maya stammered.


    ¡°Here, take a look at this.¡± He stopped her short and slid his notebook over to her.


    The page was filled with crossed out words and scratchy handwriting. Toward the bottom she could make out their idea written down, alongside a basic doodle of the mirror they discussed.


    Wow, even his handwriting passes.


    ¡°Yeah, this is great! Perfect, even.¡± Maya said. ¡°I think people will like it a lot.¡±


    ¡°I think so too. We should get started on it soon. We have a little less than a month to finish, and it might take awhile.¡±


    ¡°Mhm, yeah. I¡¯ll make a list of materials we¡¯ll need and we can meet up in a few days, okay?¡±


    ¡°Sounds like a plan!¡± Ben said.


    Maya stopped to take a few deep breaths. She was shoving an old shopping cart up a small hill, hurrying to meet Ben on time. The cart was filled with all of the supplies and tools they might have to use for their project, as well as a small cooler with some sandwiches she prepared that morning. God this is hard, I kinda miss my old strength. The price I have to pay for nuking my testosterone levels. With one last gulp of air, she started to push again.


    The manual labor didn¡¯t really bother her, she just hoped that she wouldn¡¯t leave Ben waiting too long. She already feared it might be an awkward meet-up so avoiding any other mishaps was her main goal. Still, her worries added to the weight of the load.


    Neither she nor Ben knew a lot about woodworking, which was going to be necessary for the base of their sculpture. Luckily, Ethan knew enough to do what they needed. That meant that Ben and Ethan would be hanging out for at least a couple hours. Not ideal, but it needed to be done. Maya was also trying to see it as a way to open up more with both of her friends. And she would keep telling herself that in order to not go into full-blown panic mode.


    Soon the hill leveled out, and the last two blocks she had to walk were smooth and free of obstacles. She agreed to meet Ben in a small park at the edge of campus, where they could work away from people while also not worrying about paint fumes choking them. As soon as she saw the park entrance she could see him, all set up in a raggedy patch of grass with a big tarp laid out and the paint he promised to bring.


    His face lit up when he spotted her and he jogged over. ¡°Hey!¡± He yelled as he approached. ¡°That looks really heavy, let me help.¡± He reached her quickly and put his hands on the cart.


    ¡°Oh, that¡¯s fine. I pushed it all the way here already.¡± Maya said.


    ¡°And that must have been really hard, seriously, let me. Let me get some use out of all this testosterone.¡±


    Maya chuckled inwardly at him having the opposite thought as her. ¡°Okay, okay,¡± she obliged and watched him push the cart to the tarp with ease.


    He¡¯s already back to being so nice and thoughtful. Was the other day just a fluke? Maybe he doesn¡¯t actually hate Jamie and just had an off day. I should reach out to them and see how they¡¯re doing.


    They unpacked the cart, laying out a few pieces of wood, brushes for the paint, a couple blocks of sculpting foam, a hammer and some nails, and a piece of glass. Ben spotted the cooler and raised an eyebrow.


    ¡°What¡¯s in there?¡± He asked.


    ¡°Oh! I packed a small lunch for us. Just some sandwiches, nothing big.¡±


    ¡°Aw, that¡¯s so thoughtful.¡± Ben smiled. ¡°By the way, where¡¯s the other guy? Ethan, right?¡±


    ¡°Yeah, Ethan will be here soon, his shift ended like twenty minutes ago.¡±


    ¡°Cool, cool.¡± Ben stared at all of the materials laid out on the tarp beneath them. ¡°So how do you two know each other again?¡±


    ¡°High school. He was sort of my only friend before joining this club, to be honest¡­¡± Maya said. She rubbed her arm and turned to the side.


    ¡°Ah, so he¡¯s not like your boyfriend or anything then.¡±


    ¡°What? No! Of course not!¡± Maya found herself getting upset. Why does it bother me that he thought that? And why does he even care??


    ¡°Okay, jeez, sorry for asking.¡±


    ¡°Sorry for asking what?¡± A new voice popped up from behind Maya.


    She turned around, seeing Ethan holding a red toolbox.


    ¡°Hey, Ethan!¡± She looked to Ben to make sure he wasn¡¯t about to repeat what he had just said. ¡°We were wondering when you¡¯d get here!¡±


    Ethan lifted up his toolbox and shook it, summoning lots of clanging and rattling. ¡°Ah, I had to get my tools. Want to make sure your project is as good as possible, right?¡±


    ¡°Definitely,¡± Ben said. He stepped toward Ethan and held out his hand. ¡°I¡¯m Ben, nice to meet you.¡±


    Ethan set down his tools and accepted the handshake. ¡°Hey, I¡¯m Ethan. Maya¡¯s told me a lot about you, it¡¯s good for her to have a friend like you. I was worried I¡¯d be the only person she ever talked to again.¡± Ethan laughed but Maya started to panic.


    A friend like you? Does he mean that in a bad way? Like because Ben¡¯s trans? Or does he just mean a close friend at school? She scanned Ben¡¯s face to see how he reacted to it, but he looked completely fine. Maybe I¡¯m overthinking it¡­ Or maybe Ben is just great at hiding his feelings?


    The two ended their handshake and a silence overtook the trio. Maya started shifting her weight from one foot to the other. Oh god, I knew it would be like this. This is awkward, why is it awkward?


    About five seconds passed before Ben clapped his hands together. ¡°Well let¡¯s get started, shall we?¡±


    ¡°Yes! Let¡¯s!¡± Maya shouted, kneeling down to grab some wood.


    Ethan quickly guided her into what he needed done, as far as positioning the planks while he drilled and hammered away. She was amazed at how good he was at the whole process. He had mentioned working with his dad on some projects before, though she never saw any of the finished pieces.


    While they worked on the stand, Ben began to cut a fake stone slab out of the foam. It was to sit on top of the wooden base and make the whole creation fit a darker, more primal vibe. At least that was what they had planned a few days prior. Neither of them were very convinced that it would turn out that way.


    Maya wished she could help Ben more, but the wood stand needed two pairs of hands to turn out well. Ethan had told her all the measurements they would need before she got the wood, speeding up their job quite a bit. Still, they had to keep making sure each piece was attached properly and not wobbly, as well as taking it to the sidewalk nearby to check it was level.


    After an hour, Ben felt satisfied with his rock and stood up. ¡°Okay,¡± he said. ¡°What¡¯s next?¡±


    ¡°We could do lunch?¡± Maya said. ¡°The sandwiches need to be eaten before the ice pack gets too warm.¡±


    Ethan instantly stopped what he was doing. ¡°Sandwiches? Hell yeah!¡± He set down his drill and walked toward the cooler.


    ¡°Yeah, I made a peanut butter and jelly, a ham and cheese, and a turkey club.¡± Maya said proudly while she pulled them out. ¡°Now who wants what?¡±


    ¡°You should pick first, Maya,¡± Ethan said. ¡°Since you spent all the time making them.¡±


    ¡°Oh, I don¡¯t really mind, I like all three of these. Just tell me which one you want.¡±


    ¡°Well in that case, I¡¯ll take the ham.¡±


    Ben piped up. ¡°Aw, I wanted that one. I guess a turkey club is fine, though.¡±


    ¡°Ah sorry dude,¡± Ethan shrugged. ¡°I asked for it first, so ya know¡­ I wanted it first. Should be mine.¡±


    ¡°Uh, sure. Doesn¡¯t really matter.¡± Ben held out his hands and Maya tossed him the turkey sandwich. As she did, he put on a strange face and mouthed out a very distinct ¡°What?¡±


    Maya handed Ethan the ham sandwich then took the PB&J that was leftover. It was the one she wanted, anyway. The three sat down and ate, nobody saying much aside from meaningless comments about how sunny it was that day. Maya hoped the other two felt more comfortable than she did. This is normal. This is NOT weird¡­ right? These two love to talk, why are they so quiet?


    Ben was the first to notice the rowdy group of students getting closer to them. About a hundred feet away, six people were walking down the sidewalk. ¡°Hey,¡± he said, ¡°I think I have a class with some of those guys.¡± Standing, Ben crumpled up his now empty sandwich wrapper and approached the group.


    Maya turned to see what he was talking about and froze. She recognized three of the people Ben was headed toward. Two were in her chemistry lab, and the other was a co-worker. Specifically, the co-worker Maya heard complaining about trans people a few weeks prior.


    If a single person in that group found out her secret, they would all know. And then everyone in her class would know, everyone at her work would know, Karen would know¡­


    Oh no. Oh god, oh no, they can¡¯t see me working on this. Maya got up and began to slowly back away. Maybe I can pretend I¡¯m just helping Ben. Yeah, that could work. They don¡¯t need to know I¡¯m in the club. Her feet kept retreating until she bumped into a nearby tree. Without a second thought she slid to the other side of it, praying nobody saw her.


    She could hear Ethan walk over and start talking to them as well. It wasn¡¯t easy to make out what they were saying. She was fairly certain nobody had mentioned her? The conversation was short, probably nothing more than a quick greeting and what they were working on. All the same, Maya stayed behind that tree until she heard the group had moved on. Only then did she creep out and walk back to the tarp.


    ¡°There you are!¡± Ben said. ¡°We were wondering where you went.¡±


    ¡°Oh, umm, ¡° Maya looked down, ¡°just¡­ I saw a bee. And um, it scared me.¡±


    Neither of them looked convinced. Ethan picked up his drill, seemingly willing to move on. Ben on the other hand wouldn¡¯t let her escape.


    ¡°You were hiding from those guys,¡± Ben said.


    Maya stood silent for a moment, shifting her weight from one foot to the other and focusing her eyes away from his. She didn¡¯t want to lie, but she wanted to avoid this conversation, especially since she doubted Ethan would understand her motives at all.


    ¡°What did you tell them?¡± She asked.


    ¡°Just that we were working on something for a club.¡± Ben looked more confused than upset, but Maya could see a tinge of hurt in his eyes. ¡°And I told them you were working with us, sorry if that causes any problems for you.¡±


    Ethan had tried to go back to his woodworking, though their conversation had him staring at his drill while doing nothing.


    ¡°Did you tell them what club? Or which part?¡± Maya¡¯s voice had more urgency than she intended.


    The tension in Ben¡¯s eyes lessened as he chuckled. ¡°No, I didn¡¯t. We mostly talked about what they were doing and they seemed in a rush to get out of here if I¡¯m being honest. Is that all you were worried about?¡±


    Maya sighed in relief, answering Ben¡¯s question without words. Ben simply shook his head and smiled before walking back to his part of the project.


    ¡°Let¡¯s finish this up, huh?¡±


    They got back into the flow of working right away. This time Ben worked on painting the foam rock he had carved, while Ethan and Maya were determined to get the wooden base completed before the end of the day. Their goal was to have a sturdy hexagon that stood a little over four feet tall. Ethan promised it would be simple and sure enough in another hour everyone had finished what they set out to do. Maya stood up to admire what they had accomplished.


    ¡°Wow,¡± she said. ¡°We actually did it.¡±


    ¡°You know we aren¡¯t done yet,¡± Ben said. ¡°We¡¯ll have to paint the base and then finish the top on a different day.¡±


    ¡°I know but this is a really good start!¡± She turned to face Ethan, who was packing up his tools. ¡°Thank you so much, Ethan! We seriously couldn¡¯t have finished this without your help.¡±


    ¡°No big deal, I love doing this kind of stuff, anyway.¡±


    ¡°I guess we should pack up everything¡­¡± Maya looked at the mess scattered across the ground. Even though they had a lot less than they started with, it was still overwhelming. Thankfully, Ben and Ethan helped her get the wooden base into the cart along with all the other supplies.


    ¡°Hey,¡± Ethan put his hand on the cart handle, ¡°let me push this back for you, it¡¯s going to be harder to control now that the base is throwing off the weight balance.¡±


    ¡°No, no, don¡¯t worry. I¡¯ll seriously be fine.¡± Maya tried to take her place behind the cart, however Ethan didn¡¯t budge.


    ¡°Come on, I can do it way easier than you. And it¡¯s not that far out of my way either.¡±


    Ben, who had just finished getting his tarp and paint together, chimed in. ¡°Just let him do it, Maya. Accept that you¡¯re a weakling.¡±


    Maya rolled her eyes. ¡°Fine! If you wanna do more free labor then by all means, go nuts.¡±


    ¡°Hey, uh,¡± Ben held up his hand. ¡°I guess we¡¯ll talk later?¡±


    ¡°Of course!¡± Maya nodded. ¡°Are you gonna be okay getting home with all of that?¡±


    ¡°Yeah, yeah. My buddy is driving here to take me home with all this junk. Don¡¯t worry.¡±


    ¡°Okay, cool. Then yeah¡­ talk later¡­¡± Maya felt unable to say much else with Ethan there next to her.


    Her and Ethan headed out of the park and toward Maya¡¯s apartment. She couldn¡¯t get the image of Ben looking nervous as they left out of her head. Why was he acting strange? Does he not like how our stuff turned out today? I thought we all did good! Maybe those people he talked to said something to him.


    Ethan cleared his throat, breaking her thought spiral. ¡°So Ben seems cool.¡±


    Maya nodded. ¡°Definitely! I¡¯m really glad we met in the club. He¡¯s sorta the only person there I ever talk to.¡±


    She thought she saw Ethan make a face from the corner of her eye.


    ¡°You like him a lot?¡± He asked.


    ¡°Umm,¡± Maya¡¯s stomach started to flutter. ¡°Like, yeah of course I like him, he¡¯s my friend, isn¡¯t he?¡±


    Ethan didn¡¯t respond. He just hummed a single, low note and continued pushing onward.


    Fear set in. She felt a cool tension in the air and in the back of her head she knew what it was. Still, she hoped she was wrong.


    If I think hard enough, maybe I can stop him from saying anything weird. That¡¯s a thing right? Manifesting? I just need to manifest him to not ask me out.


    Maya tried to push the conversation to other topics a few times, but he would just give short answers and kill off any steam she tried to gain.


    Before long, they had reached the front of Maya¡¯s apartment complex. Ethan pushed the cart up to the door to make it as easy as possible for her. She was thankful she lived on the first floor, or it would have been impossible to get the cart up and down.


    ¡°Thanks again, for all of this.¡± Maya waved and started to head inside.


    ¡°Wait.¡± Ethan said.


    Maya turned around and looked at him. He looked¡­scared? Something she was not used to seeing from him.


    ¡°Maya,¡± he started again, ¡°I like you. A lot. And I think. That we should.¡± His hands were still tightly gripping the cart. ¡°I think we should go on a date sometime!¡± He blurted out the last sentence.


    Maya stood silent and still. Well, so much for manifesting.

 Hands-On Learner

    Maya struggled to keep up with the pace Karen had set. The three bags she had weighing her down would be a good excuse, except for the fact that Karen had twice as much to hold and was still walking at double her speed. It was the pair¡¯s first time on a shopping trip, or a girl¡¯s day out as Karen had called it. Maya agreed right away, of course. A way to clear her head? Buy some new clothes? Get some more bonding time with her only female friend? It sounded amazing. And besides, Maya hadn¡¯t been to the mall in this town yet. Though she wished Karen had a shorter stride. Eventually Maya had to admit defeat and stop trying to keep up.


    ¡°Karen,¡± Maya gasped between breaths, ¡°Can I get a second?¡± She let her bags slump to the floor.


    Karen came to a halt and turned back. ¡°Sorry, hun! I forget you¡¯re such a frail little thing!¡±


    Well, at least she heard me¡­ Am I really just a wimp? Is blaming my zero stamina on hormone levels just wishful thinking?


    ¡°No no, it¡¯s fine!¡± Maya started to regain her composure. ¡°Sorry for slowing you down.¡±


    ¡°Oh, don¡¯t worry one bit, sweetie. I¡¯m happy you came to keep me company! My mall trips are usually so lonely.¡±


    Maya nodded and looked around. Empty benches and sad plastic plants formed a line in the middle of the walkway. Every third storefront was locked and abandoned. It had been years since she stepped foot in a mall. Her friends never went to any to hang out and she never had the spending money to go on her own. A small pang of regret hit her, that she never got to see malls in their heyday. They seemed fun! Though to call the whole place a ghost town would be a lie. People passed by often, and clearly they were enough customers to keep the lights on.


    With one final deep breath, Maya hefted her bags back up. ¡°Okay, I¡¯m ready. Where to next?¡±


    ¡°So I wanted to head to the bookstore and get a gift for my niece, then I was thinking lunch?¡±


    ¡°Perfect! Where¡¯s the bookstore?¡± Maya was eager to get to the eating part of their trip.


    Karen pointed a few stores ahead of them. ¡°It¡¯s that one right over there!¡±


    Great, now I look like a massive wimp. Couldn¡¯t make it an extra two hundred feet without needing to stop.


    The two headed inside and began to wander apart. Karen seemed to have a general idea of what she wanted, while Maya drifted from aisle to aisle.


    Maya found herself staring at shelves and shelves lined with autobiographies ranging from the most famous people on earth to nobodies desperate to be famous. It was always a mystery to her who bought those. She walked past the smug celebrity faces toward the cookbooks, which also mystified her. Were people not able to just look up any recipe they wanted to on the internet? She couldn¡¯t tell if she was missing something or if the whole market for them was the less tech savvy older generations.


    The young adult fiction section brought back memories of hiding under the covers with a flashlight at 2am in a race to the end before the next school day arrived. The nostalgia made her pause and skim the titles. Most she didn¡¯t recognize, but one or two seemed familiar. It made her happy that some of her favorites as a kid were still kicking.


    Maya had felt very isolated as a teen, and as pathetic and backwards as it sounded, reading fantasy stories filled with magic and wonder had kept her grounded in reality. Those stories gave her the perfect escape when everything felt like too much.


    But isn¡¯t that selfish? It¡¯s not like nobody cared about me at all. Mom and Dad were always supportive. And Ethan¡­


    The mystery section. Other than Nancy Drew, she never got into it. She did start a tally of how many book covers used a magnifying glass, though after ten she stopped counting.


    Then came romance. Immediately the image of Ben popped into her head. Wait, why Ben? Why not Ethan? After all he was the one who had just asked her out and¨C


    She shook her head. Up next was the section for manga. Maya wasn¡¯t sure what the appeal was. She knew that Ben had talked about it once. Something about his roommate getting him into it. The exact ones he recommended were impossible to remember, probably because the titles were in Japanese, but the entire time he had talked she was just looking into his eyes and thinking about¨C


    Gah! No, stop, bad brain. No more thinking about guys.


    Soon she hit the back of the store, where a tiny collection of movies and records were stacked in sloppy piles. But before she could look through them, she heard Karen calling her name. At the front of the store she spotted her waving with another shopping bag added to her collection.


    The walk to get to the food court was a little more complicated than Maya was hoping for. Karen was back to her usual speed, while the bags were still as heavy as before. The escalator ride up to the second floor was nerve-racking as her hands were too full to hold the safety rail and she was unsteady at the best of times.


    Maya started to pick up a whiff of their destination. She didn¡¯t know what it was, and she was sure it wasn¡¯t healthy, yet her mouth started watering all the same. It was obvious that the second floor had all the action. Many more people walked around from shop to shop, and lots of entangled conversations could be heard coming from up ahead.


    Maya decided not to rush, allowing Karen to race ahead. She could see the food court from there anyway, it would be difficult to lose sight of her. The sheer amount of options for food was overwhelming. The scents were all mixing around, making Maya realize her stomach was growling. She hadn¡¯t eaten the entire day and the last hour had been a great test of willpower. Chinese food, fried chicken, two places for pizza, hot dogs, some generic fast food places, even ice cream and coffee. For a split second, all of it sounded delicious.


    Eh, not hot dogs, that¡¯s gross. And fried chicken is too messy. I had pizza the other day¡­


    Karen had already charged toward the line for Chinese food, putting Maya out of her indecisive misery.


    She caught up with her shopping partner and set her bags down.


    ¡°So, what did you get for your niece?¡± Maya asked.


    ¡°Some cute little picture book about animals,¡± Karen said. ¡°She¡¯s three, she¡¯ll love it.¡±


    Maya almost dozed off while they waited in line. Despite there only being a short line ahead of Karen, the past few days had left her exhausted. On top of that, the whole morning with Karen just reminded her of having to run laps in gym class. If she was ever going to fall asleep while standing, it would be then. The line moved forward, causing her to jolt awake and keep moving. Things moved quicker after that, and the two soon had their order numbers and found an empty table to sit at, of which there weren¡¯t many.


    Lots of younger people were filling the tables in the food court. Maya had always heard that malls were dying out and obsolete to younger crowds. It was a welcome surprise, though.


    She played with her food, regretting her order. It was the first time in years she decided to try something new, so of course she hated it. Little lumps of breaded chicken covered with a weird thick sauce. No noodles in sight either; it was a disaster.


    Her bags on the floor next to her caught her eye. She leaned over to peek in them, half from boredom and half from paranoia that something could be missing. Of course, it was all there. Embarrassment struck her as she was reminded of her purchases earlier in the day. A couple of t-shirts, nothing wrong with that. Some new underwear, somewhat uncomfortable but it was nothing crazy. It was the item in her third bag that concerned her.


    Somehow, Karen had convinced Maya to purchase a lingerie set. The way it went down was fuzzy in her head even though it was only an hour ago. She remembered trying it on and refusing to let Karen see, as much as her friend begged. It already made her feel gross to look at herself, she couldn¡¯t imagine how disgusting it would be for Karen to see her like that.


    Part of it was realizing she hadn¡¯t come as far as she thought she had. It wasn¡¯t the first time Maya wore something extra girly. While she tried to keep it a rare occasion, that bridge was crossed and done with when she spent the summer wearing sundresses. Though even that came with difficulties at the start.


    All she wanted was to feel attractive. Even if it was just to one person, not feeling like a freak around them would be a dream. But she knew it was frowned upon for someone like her to want that. And she also knew it wasn¡¯t even out of reach. Plenty of trans people were in relationships. In fact she just turned down a chance at one from¡­


    None of that counted. It was impossible to explain why, but it was true. She was gross and unattractive, and Ethan was being deluded by her fake persona. If she had said yes, he would realize what a mistake it was.


    She returned to reality and glanced down at her food. Sadly, it didn¡¯t look any more appetizing than before.


    ¡°Something wrong?¡± Karen asked between bites.


    Ugh, she¡¯ll want to share her food with me if I say I don¡¯t like it. Do I steal food from my friend or lie? Which is worse?


    ¡°No, nothing. Just thinking¡­¡± Maya said.


    ¡°Ah, boy trouble.¡±


    Maya dropped her fork.


    ¡°You can¡¯t hide anything from me, girl,¡± Karen laughed. ¡°I¡¯ve been there and done that, I¡¯m practically a professional. Tell me what¡¯s up.¡±


    ¡°Well¡­¡± Maya started. Was she really going to open up? The whole point of the trip was to distract her from her troubles, not confront them. Still, if anyone would be able to help her, it was Karen. Ah, what the hell.


    ¡°So remember Ethan?¡± Maya said. ¡°He sorta asked me out the other day.¡±


    ¡°Ah, that¡¯s great! You two will be so cute togeth¨C¡±


    ¡°I said no.¡± Maya interrupted.


    Karen tilted her head and set down her chopsticks. ¡°Now why did you do a silly thing like that? You guys have been friends forever, right?¡±


    ¡°Yeah.¡± Maya started poking and prodding her mushy chicken lumps. ¡°I¡¯m not sure. Maybe I panicked? I just pictured being with him for the rest of my life, and it wasn¡¯t clicking, ya know? Like I think our futures will be too different. We won¡¯t mesh well in the long term¡­ Is that a dumb reason?¡±


    Karen smiled for a moment before responding. ¡°No, Maya. I think that¡¯s a very smart reason. You¡¯re a lot more responsible than I was at your age, that¡¯s for sure.¡±


    That helped. Maya felt better about her decision and comfortable enough to make eye contact again. ¡°Thanks. I¡¯m just worried that he¡¯ll be upset and¨C¡±


    ¡°Oh, and you have that other boytoy anyway, I¡¯m sure that was a part of your decision.¡±


    ¡°What?¡± Maya¡¯s face grew red.


    ¡°Yeah, Ben was his name, right? It¡¯s pretty clear he¡¯s the one you¡¯re interested in. Can¡¯t believe I thought you were more responsible than me, that¡¯s a relief.¡± Karen chuckled to herself and resumed eating.


    ¡°That¡¯s not¡­ I didn¡¯t¡­¡± Maya stammered. ¡°I¡¯ve only known Ben for a month, it¡¯s not as if I could know him well enough to even want to like him. And I¡¯ve seen him be kinda just straight up rude to some other people in the club. It would be, like, endorsing it if I decided to like him.¡±


    Karen snorted. ¡°Is that how you think liking people works? That you have any say in the matter? Sweetie, surely you¡¯re old enough to have realized by now how wrong that is. None of us know how any of this works. If we did then lonely people wouldn¡¯t exist.¡±


    ¡°Okay. So what if I do like him, what are the odds he likes me back?¡± Maya asked.


    ¡°Oh please. You¡¯re young and cute and pretty, what reason does he have to NOT like you?¡±


    Maya sighed. ¡°I just don¡¯t know¡­¡±


    Karen took a deep breath and reached her hand out to hold Maya¡¯s. ¡°Here¡¯s what I know. If he hasn¡¯t asked you out yet then he might need a shove. You should make it clear that you like him, okay?¡±


    Maya nodded.


    ***


    The sound of her fingers tapping on the table was drowned out by her classmates clattering around. It was going to be their first day doing actual pottery and not just planning and learning. Maya had given an old shirt to Ben last week, as promised, and she was nervous to see him in it. Well, not nervous about the shirt as much as him being in it.


    She had promised Karen two days prior that she would come clean to Ben about her feelings for him next time she saw him. That was today. But the shirt did give her some worries too. What if it made him picture her pre-transition, as a boy? What if he felt bad about how big it was on him?


    Deep breath. Karen said to take a big, deep breath if I started second-guessing myself. Maya inhaled, counted to ten, then exhaled, just as advised. It sort of worked. Her stomach was just as uneasy as before, but her mind had calmed a lot. She did it once more. And again. She kept taking deliberate ten second breaths until she felt completely at ease.


    Ben entered the room in the corner of her vision. The nerves came back, though not as strong as before. She made a mental note to thank Karen for her technique. He was wearing it. The shirt she gave him, the shirt she used to own. Just a boring gray t-shirt with a yellow smiley face on it. A favorite of hers for lounging around the house. Giving it to him made her feel like she was sharing a private, comfortable part of her life with him. It made her happy.


    ¡°Hey!¡± Ben said and sat next to her. ¡°Today is clay day! Hope you¡¯re ready to spend the whole class teaching me what to do.¡±


    Maya giggled. That was what she was hoping for. A whole class of spending time with him, talking with him, having fun making shitty clay pots. It sounded too good to be true.


    ¡°And don¡¯t get me wrong,¡± Ben said. ¡°I appreciate you giving me this shirt, but did you have to douse it in perfume?¡±


    ¡°Huh? I didn¡¯t¡­¡±


    ¡°It smells like a flower shop. I¡¯m pretty sure a blind guy on the bus thought I was a seventy year old woman. Not exactly the vibe I¡¯m trying to give off.¡±


    ¡°Oh, sorry about that.¡± Maya blushed. It was true that she used some extra laundry detergent when washing the shirt for him. She didn¡¯t want him to think it was gross if it smelled like her! Though she obviously overdid it.


    ¡°So¡­¡± Ben looked around the room at the other students gathering materials. ¡°What are we supposed to be doing?¡±


    ¡°Oh!¡± Maya stood up. ¡°We need to get out clay and a dish for water.¡±


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    ¡°Ah, of course. Lead the way!¡± He stood up and moved close to her.


    Maya did a silent ten-second breath to try and prevent herself from blushing. Although she couldn¡¯t see her own face to check, she was hopeful. She walked over to the cabinets and grabbed two lumps of clay she tucked under her arm, and two empty bowls which she handed to Ben. He quickly filled them at the sink and reported back to Maya for his next assignment. Finally she remembered they would need string and had Ben grab that too. Once they had everything, they met at the potter¡¯s wheels where they would be sitting. Luckily the class was small, and each student could use one at the same time. It was also lucky that two were open next to each other, since Maya and Ben were the last two not at one already.


    ¡°Okay,¡± Maya slapped her clay blob down on the wheel. ¡°First, slam that shit down.¡±


    Ben mimicked her and tossed his clay down. ¡°Like this?¡±


    ¡°Perfect.¡± She could see a passionate look in his eyes and wondered if he was just as excited as she was. ¡°Now, put your foot on that pedal but don¡¯t press down on it yet, okay?¡±


    Ben looked down to find the pedal she had mentioned and hovered his foot above it. He mimed the action of stomping on it, stopping just an inch away.


    ¡°So funny.¡± Maya rolled her eyes. ¡°Anyway, once you step on that the wheel will start spinning, and you¡¯ll have to deal with the mess that comes with that.¡±


    ¡°Right, and that¡¯s why I have to wear your old shirt? Ya know, it¡¯s normally the other way around.¡±


    ¡°What?¡± Maya said, perplexed.


    ¡°Never mind, what do I do next!¡± Ben whined.


    Maya sat at her own wheel and began to instruct. ¡°Okay. Lightly press down on the pedal.¡± She also did as she instructed, and both of their wheels began to slowly spin. ¡°Now get your hands wet and start to form your clay into a circle.¡± Her hands splashed around in her bowl before moving to her clay. She was too focused to see what Ben was doing. The lack of any loud crashes was a good sign though.


    ¡°It¡¯s already a circle.¡± Ben said.


    ¡°A better circle!¡± Maya raised her voice, still not looking his way. ¡°Don¡¯t be afraid to push down a little hard. It¡¯s good if you compact it a bit.¡±


    After Maya was satisfied with hers, she looked over to Ben¡¯s wheel. It wasn¡¯t as neat as hers, of course. Nevertheless, it wasn¡¯t too bad considering he had never done this before. She watched him for a few seconds before moving on to their next step.


    ¡°Alright, that looks good!¡± Maya turned her attention back to her own clay. ¡°Now we¡¯re going to squeeze it kinda, and make it taller. So push down on your pedal a little more to speed up.¡±


    She heard Ben¡¯s wheel whir louder than hers then slow down to an appropriate pace. He¡¯s such a dork.


    Maya steadied her clay, and hoped Ben was watching and copying her as she rose it up and down to ready it for molding. The first time she used the wheel it was a mess, so she wasn¡¯t expecting much from him today. Still, she wanted to help him the best she could. At the very least they were making a memory together.


    ¡°Uhh, we have a problem.¡± Ben said.


    Maya looked over and had to stop herself from laughing. There was very little clay on Ben¡¯s wheel, yet a large amount built up on his hands, shirt, and a couple bits on his face. The sight of it amused her to the point she nearly forgot to help him.


    ¡°Stop your wheel!¡± She said while pointing to his foot.


    Ben lifted his foot entirely off the pedal and the wheel slowly came to a halt. He looked at Maya and held up his clay-caked hands. ¡°Was that not supposed to happen?¡±


    ¡°Not exactly.¡± Maya stopped her own wheel and stood next to him. ¡°It looks better if you keep it on the wheel.¡±


    He smirked for a second then looked down at his chest. ¡°At least he¡¯s still happy.¡± The yellow face printed on his shirt, despite being covered in flecks of clay, remained smiling.


    ¡°Here, go wipe that clay off while I get you another lump to start over with.¡± Maya pointed him toward the paper towel.


    Maya helped him reset his station and get ready for another attempt. The other students in the room, and even the instructor, didn¡¯t seem to pay them much attention. They were having just as many difficulties with shaping their projects.


    After Ben was seated and back at the first step Maya decided to stay near him and watch over his second try. The start went as well as last time, with him wetting the clay and getting the very base shape correct. She just had to intervene at the right time, before it could all turn into a goopy mess.


    ¡°Okay, so this time go slower when you start raising it, and if I say stop then take your hands away immediately, got it?¡± Maya asked.


    Ben nodded and sped up his wheel, this time more steady. A good starting point, but Maya instantly noticed the issue. Both of his hands were essentially choking the clay in an attempt to get it up.


    ¡°Stop!¡±


    As promised, Ben¡¯s hands shot away from the wheel. He looked at her, ¡°Already? What was wrong?¡±


    ¡°Too much force. You should do most of the work with just one hand and use the other to guide things along. Try it like that.¡±


    Once again Ben nodded. This time his left hand stayed on the clay, while his right just lingered over it. Maya was impressed at the fast adjustment. His pile was much neater than his first time around.


    ¡°Okay, okay, stop again.¡± Maya said.


    Ben sighed, though with a smile on his face. ¡°Why do I get the sense this is harder for you than it is for me?¡±


    Maya looked up at the ceiling and took a deep breath. ¡°Can I just, like, show you first?¡± She asked.


    ¡°Sure, but I¡¯m more of a hands-on learner if I¡¯m being honest.¡± He started to stand up from his seat when Maya put a hand on his shoulder.


    ¡°Perfect.¡± She guided him back down into his chair and sat behind him. Her palms slid over his arms and stopped on the back of his hands. Gently guiding them to the clay, she rested her head on his shoulder to get a proper view. ¡°Is this okay?¡±


    Ben didn¡¯t respond. In fact, his arms had locked up and Maya found it harder to move them than she anticipated.


    ¡°Are you good? Ben?¡± Maya asked. Her mouth was right next to his ear. She made sure her voice was soft so as to not startle him.


    He started to move again, and his arms unfroze. ¡°Yeah!¡± He cleared his throat a couple of times before speaking again. ¡°Yeah, sorry, I''m just uhh¡­ trying to get focused.¡±


    Maya shrugged it off and went back to steering his hands toward his clay. She was careful to make sure it was still his hand doing the sculpting and that he could continue this when she left.


    ¡°It¡¯s like this,¡± she said. ¡°You just prevent the clay from being where your hand is, and slowly but surely it has to go where you want.¡± Her eyes honed in on the cylinder they were making. She planned to give more instructions but they seemed to hit a stride where she could perfectly get Ben¡¯s hands to do whatever she nudged them toward. As strange as it sounded, it was actually easier using his hands. His hands¡­


    Maya stopped breathing. Here she was, holding onto Ben, the very guy she intended to confess to later that day. Darting her eyes to the side, she realized that his face was an inch away from hers. Was he looking back at her? She flicked her eyes back to their hands. Her stomach was beginning to toss around as the whole situation became clear.


    How do I get out of this? How do I fix this? What was I thinking? He thinks I¡¯m some sort of molester now, he probably feels like a prisoner. Maya¡¯s brain presented her with a dozen reasons she was a freak for getting herself into her current predicament.


    ¡°You know,¡± Ben said, bringing Maya back to reality, ¡°I wasn¡¯t getting it before, but now with your tits pressed into my back, I think I¡¯m getting the hang of it!¡±


    Maya let go of his arms and took a massive step backward.


    ¡°I¡¯m really sorry!¡± She blurted out. Her hands fell to her sides trembling, while her stomach started jumping around inside her.


    ¡°I was just joking, I didn¡¯t mean to freak you out.¡± Ben stopped his wheel and stood to face her. ¡°It was helping, I swear, you¡¯re good at this!¡±


    ¡°Right. Well you probably can handle it from here, yeah?¡± Maya said as she inched back to her station.


    ¡°Uhh, I guess so. It really wasn¡¯t that weird, sorry if my joke went too far.¡±


    ¡°No! No, it was funny! It was¡­good. I just, umm, need to work on mine, right? Gotta balance it.¡± Maya made it to her wheel and reclaimed her seat. She refused to look at Ben as she put all of her attention into her clay.


    Without Maya helping him, Ben looked just as lost as before when he tried to resume working. She didn¡¯t see what he was making, but from all the swearing it seemed doubtful he was happy with it.


    Maya did her best to ignore and forget what she had just done. Her clay was coming along well. It looked sloppier than the one she was making with Ben but, after looking at other students, she assumed it was still one of the best in the room. She opened it up to start getting it into the vase shape she planned on from the beginning. Her hands still trembling made it harder than she remembered.


    Why. Why why why. How do I keep making such awful decisions around him, I can¡¯t stop making a fool of myself. As her thoughts spiraled, her vase started to look more wobbly. She took another deep breath as Karen had taught her. Ten seconds. Immediately, her hands returned to normal and she corrected her misshapen clay.


    ¡°Everyone!¡± Maya almost jumped at the sound of their instructor¡¯s voice. Elise in a new radioactive shade of red lipstick was standing in the center of the room, looking around to make sure people were listening. ¡°We have five minutes left, so I¡¯m going to recommend you stop your wheels and cut your clay! You each have a named place on the drying rack to set your piece.¡± She pointed to a wire shelf on the opposite side of the room. ¡°Good job, everyone! Lots of good progress for your first time! See you all next week!¡±


    Maya felt good about her vase, or at least good enough to call it a day and mark it down as a warm-up. She slowed her wheel to a halt and grabbed the piece of string she prepared before. While her goal was to avoid any eye contact with Ben, she did catch a glimpse of what he had created in her absence.


    At Ben¡¯s station there sat a warped, slightly squashed, soaking wet mug. Though calling it a mug was generous. Maya comfortably predicted nobody would ever volunteer to drink from that thing. She felt responsible, seeing how great things were going before she left him.


    How am I supposed to tell him I like him after reacting like that? I bet he¡¯s convinced I hate him now. She refocused on her vase and used the string to cut it free from the wheel.


    Out of the corner of her eye she could see Ben grab his string and start attempting the same maneuver. But instead of a tight, precise cut he somehow got it wrapped around his mug and pulled each end tight. The result was his mug falling on its side after the uneven cut, making an even more deformed finish.


    Maya regretted not helping him further. Today was supposed to be a good memory, where they could have fun together, and end with¨C


    ¡°Sorry I was weird.¡± Maya said without thinking. ¡°Next week I¡¯ll be normal, I promise.¡± She looked at his mug and frowned. ¡°And I¡¯ll make sure you don¡¯t make something like that again.¡±


    ¡°Is it that bad?¡± Ben inspected his own work.


    Maya laughed, and he did too. She was grateful that her little outburst hadn¡¯t ruined their chemistry.


    ¡°No! It¡¯s not bad, it''s just¡­¡± Maya tilted her head from side to side while thinking of the right word. ¡°It seems like it would be a little hard to drink out of? Most mugs have a circular rim.¡±


    ¡°Mug? It was supposed to be a bowl¡­¡± Ben smirked.


    That gave Maya a bigger laugh than before. ¡°I wouldn¡¯t tell the instructor that, assuming you want a half-decent grade.¡±


    ¡°Hey, I just need to pass.¡±


    ¡°Don¡¯t worry you definitely pass.¡± It was Maya¡¯s turn to smirk after she spoke.


    ¡°A passing grade, idiot.¡± Ben shook his head and grabbed his wonky mug-bowl.


    The two took their pieces to the drying rack, setting them where their names were labeled by the instructor. Maya pulled at Ben¡¯s shirt to stop him once she noticed he was aimed toward the door.


    ¡°You should wash all that clay off of your face first.¡± Maya told him.


    Ben clicked his tongue as he headed to the sink. ¡°It¡¯s on my face? Is that why you¡¯ve been looking at me funny?¡±


    Maya nervously laughed. Was I actually looking at him weird? No, he¡¯s just teasing. Yeah. Right? Am I that easy to read? If that¡¯s the case, he must know I like him already. He''s just messing with me. I¡¯m so dumb, it¡¯s so obvious, I can¡¯t believe I¨C


    ¡°Alright, wanna get some lunch? I haven¡¯t eaten in like two hours.¡± Ben said.


    ¡°Yeah! Sure, I¡¯m sort of hungry too.¡± Maya shoved what she was just thinking into the back of her mind. ¡°But maybe we should change first?¡±


    Ben looked down at their shirts, both covered in flaky gray spots. ¡°Nah, if anyone asks we¡¯ll say it¡¯s a new trend.¡±


    Maya giggled. ¡°Okay! Let¡¯s get tacos, maybe?¡± She loved the confidence that Ben gave her. Just being around him stopped her from caring what strangers might be thinking about her. Of course, that made the thought of confessing to him that much scarier. Did she want to risk losing her invulnerability? Was it worth it?


    ¡°Yeah, why not? We¡¯re already messy.¡± Ben opened the door and gestured for Maya to go ahead. ¡°Ladies first.¡± He bowed his head as she walked by.


    ¡°Oh, such a gentleman. You¡¯re gonna be buying my meal too, I assume?¡± she asked.


    Ben passed through the door himself and caught up to Maya, who had just kept walking. ¡°Sorry, I only allow myself one gentlemanly act per day. Don¡¯t want to set anyone¡¯s expectations too high.¡±


    The taco place was a fifteen minute walk from their pottery class, giving Maya a narrow window to work up some courage and tell Ben what she wanted. She went through it a hundred times in her head since her talk with Karen at the mall.


    First, I make sure the vibe is okay and we¡¯re both feeling good. Check. Second, make sure we¡¯re alone. Check. And lastly, I tell him how he makes me feel¡­ But I can wait until we get food! Yeah, it would be weird if he turned me down and then we had to change lunch plans. Let¡¯s wait.


    The air was cooler than the weeks prior. The transition from short-sleeves to jackets was approaching quickly, and while Maya usually carried her jacket with her, she didn¡¯t that day to avoid any clay stains. Ben must have noticed her slight shivers, as he slid closer to her after a few seconds of being outside. That, or he was also cold and seeking some extra heat.


    ¡°Hope the weather is nice enough for the activities fair.¡± Ben said.


    Maya hummed in agreement. ¡°Imagine if we finish our project and then the whole thing gets canceled. Would be such a waste of time.¡±


    ¡°We would still have a cool little art piece, though. And the time we spent making it has been fun. So not a total waste.¡±


    Maya looked away to hide her blushing. It¡¯s almost time. We¡¯ll eat, and then I¡¯ll tell him.


    She could picture it perfectly in her mind. The crumpled napkins and sticky table, the hot sauce still lingering on her tongue. Ben would get up to throw away his garbage and Maya would follow him. They would head outside to say goodbye and that¡¯s when she would¡­ She would choke. She would take too long, he would go home without her having said anything. It would repeat the next time she tried too. Karen would lose patience with her after the fourth time it happened and Ben might move on and¨C


    ¡°Hey, Ben?¡± Maya said. She was still looking to the side.


    ¡°Yeah?¡±


    This isn¡¯t the plan, this was NOT the plan. I¡¯m sewing my mouth shut as soon as I get home, it doesn¡¯t deserve to keep working after this. Despite her brain¡¯s first instinct to look for a way out, she pressed on. It had to be that moment, she was sure of it. She turned back toward Ben, who was now watching her closely.


    ¡°Ben,¡± she stopped walking. Luckily she couldn¡¯t see herself at that moment, the way her cheeks were burning up, her entire face was probably a deep scarlet.


    ¡°Yup, that¡¯s my name.¡± He stopped walking as well. ¡°Are you feeling okay?¡± He raised the back of his hand to her forehead, but she stopped his wrist before he made contact.


    ¡°Ben, I like you.¡± Her stomach felt like it was trying to fly up through her throat. ¡°And I want to¡­ date you.¡± Although she felt like a child with her phrasing, it was out there now. She couldn¡¯t take it back.


    Ben let out a long sigh. ¡°Are you kidding me?¡±


    Maya started to panic. Well, she had been panicking all day, the difference was the severity. Now her legs felt numb and her vision blurred. I knew it was a mistake. Karen doesn¡¯t know anything, how did I let her talk me into this? It¡¯s over. We¡¯re not getting tacos, we¡¯re not finishing our project, we¡¯re probably never speaking again.


    ¡°I was going to wait until after the activities fair to say anything.¡± Ben said. ¡°I like you too. A lot.¡± He smiled softly, different to the cocky smirk that Maya was used to seeing.


    Maya was stunned. More than stunned, she was frozen entirely in both space and time. It may have been the highest volume of thoughts and emotions she ever had racing through her head before. She knew she had to respond, but couldn¡¯t find a way to make herself speak.


    I did it. Things will be perfect now. I¡¯m not a freak. Karen will be so proud. Best day of my life. He looks so cute when he¡¯s being sincere. Are we still getting tacos? I can¡¯t believe he actually likes me back. Nothing is ruined. He was just waiting to tell me at¨C


    ¡°Wait,¡± Maya snapped out of her trance. ¡°You were going to make me wait three more weeks before telling me?¡±


    ¡°Well, yeah. I didn¡¯t want to make things weird before our project was done.¡±


    As much as she wanted to be annoyed, the feeling evaporated when she saw the joy in his eyes. Besides, how was he supposed to know the stress she was going through? And he liked her. That¡¯s what mattered to her, there was no point in caring about the specifics of it all.


    ¡°Do you think you could let go of me, now?¡± Ben asked.


    Maya looked at her hand that was still clenching his wrist and promptly dropped it.


    ¡°Sorry about that¡­¡±


    Ben laughed. ¡°No, it was cute, I was just starting to lose circulation.¡±


    She found it hard to stop smiling. Every pessimistic thought she had over the past month was deleted from her head. Her stomach was now perfectly tame, maybe the best it had felt in years. It was hard to look away from him. Nothing else could be more important, so why bother? As long as he kept smiling, there was no reason to move.


    A dried bit of clay on the corner of his mouth did seem uncomfortable, though. Without thinking she reached up to pick it off. Her face moved closer to his as she used her fingernail to get under it and pry it away.


    Once more, Ben laughed. For the second time that day, her face was right next to his. But things were different this time, right?


    ¡°Sorry again.¡± Maya¡¯s confidence wavered. ¡°I should probably learn some personal space boundaries.¡±


    ¡°Don¡¯t worry,¡± Ben said. ¡°It makes it easier to do this.¡±


    Without a moment for her to panic, overanalyze, or even think, he kissed her. His lips were on hers and she loved it. The cold was gone entirely, replaced by the warmth of his kiss. Her nose brushed against his as she returned the kiss and pressed into him. Instinctively, she wrapped her arms around his neck and held him close. She wasn¡¯t sure if he intended for this to be a quick peck or not, but she was making sure it lasted longer.


    The longer the kiss went on the more Maya was sure it needed to keep going. Her lips parted more, leaned into him harder, and she absolutely didn¡¯t care that they were on the sidewalk where a few people must have seen them by now.


    Ben wasn¡¯t phased at all, he met each of Maya¡¯s movements with a perfect reply. When her arms went to his neck, his hands went to her waist. As she put weight on him, he held her steady. The moment her lips parted he did the same.


    Then Maya¡¯s stomach grumbled.


    Oh fuck off. She was fully intent on ignoring her body¡¯s betrayal when Ben started to stir.


    He pulled away from the kiss, much to Maya¡¯s dismay. ¡°We should probably get those tacos we were talking about.¡±


    Maya caught her breath for a moment before replying, not realizing how fast her heart had started beating. ¡°Yeah¡­ I guess.¡±


    ¡°That wasn¡¯t your first kiss, right?¡± Ben asked.


    ¡°What? No! Why? Was I bad?¡± Maya looked at him, expecting the worst.


    ¡°Not at all, just checking. What about me, was I bad?¡±


    ¡°Hmm, not sure.¡± Maya grinned. ¡°Might have to see a few more attempts before I make a decision.¡±


    Ben rolled his eyes. ¡°Let¡¯s get some food, that just made me realize how hungry I am.¡±


    Maya giggled, and clung to his arm as they started walking again.

 Single Hiccup

    Maya couldn¡¯t convince her foot to stop tapping. The old man next to her at the bus stop didn¡¯t seem annoyed, but she knew it must have been bothering him. If she wasn¡¯t terrified of drawing unnecessary attention to herself she would have apologized. Ultimately, she did nothing. Except for tapping her foot, she kept doing that.


    She looked down at her phone which was clutched in a deadly tight grip next to her. No new messages. Only three minutes late, that¡¯s nothing to worry about. Only an idiot would worry, so I¡¯m not worrying. No worries here. Not worried.


    Out of necessity, she forced herself to look up at her surroundings. Anything but staring at her phone. The old man was reading a small book in his lap, of which his fingers covered the title. Maya wondered what it might be about. Maybe a mystery novel? Never mind, no magnifying glass on the cover. Or a biography, old people loved those. She could only theorize for so long before getting bored again.


    Nothing else around her could distract her enough. There was an ad for a blood drive printed on the wall of the bus stop which had lost its novelty value on the twentieth read-through. A nearby billboard looked interesting though she couldn¡¯t read it from the angle she was sitting. It wasn¡¯t even raining so that she could focus on the calming rhythm of the raindrops. Just a boring, gray, cloudy day. She wagered it had been at least five minutes since she last checked her phone, so she allowed herself a peek.


    Alright now he¡¯s¡­ four minutes late. I could have sworn it was longer than that. Why is he late anyway? Is he not excited? He seemed excited, there¡¯s no way, maybe he just got held up. That must be it.


    Footsteps. Someone was walking toward the bus stop and about to come around the corner. Maya didn¡¯t intend to stare but with nothing better to do she couldn¡¯t stop herself. It had to be Ben. Nobody else had walked by the entire fifteen minutes she had been waiting, it was not at all a busy day.


    Yet, when the steps reached the corner, a man Maya had never seen before walked by. Not Ben. Just a guy with his kid perched on his shoulders, laughing as they went. She did have to admit it was cute. Ever since she was little she knew she wanted kids. A stark contrast from her friends at the time. The thought of sharing everything she knew and everything she loved about the world with someone and helping them find their own way to love it gave her something to believe in. And doing all of that alongside a partner¡­


    I wonder if Ben wants kids. He would make a great dad, he sees the world in such a fun way. We would have the cutest family ever I bet¡­ Wait, what the fuck am I saying. Thinking about kids and a family before the first date has even started. I¡¯m gonna scare him away so fast, get it together, Maya.


    The man and his kid were already out of sight as they walked behind another building. She knew Ben had a habit of being late, so why was she so stressed out? While part of her had hoped he might make the extra effort to be on time for their first ever date, she wasn¡¯t expecting flawless punctuality.


    It had only been four days since she confessed and they shared their first kiss. It was even Ben¡¯s idea to go to the movies together then have dinner afterward as their first date. And every time they texted he seemed super into it all. Cute little wake up texts filled with hearts, checking in on her throughout her boring work shifts. Every second had been perfect, from the kiss until now. So why did a single hiccup cause her to doubt everything?


    Footsteps again. The same corner. She abandoned any notion of subtlety and stood up to get a closer look.


    It was Ben.


    Maya accidentally let out a little squeak in delight and ran toward him, though it was more of a skip than a run. She noticed he was wearing clothes she had never seen before. Did he buy them just for this date? He was also keeping one of his arms straight next to his side and a bit behind him. Was he hiding a gift? No, she wouldn¡¯t get her hopes up.


    She reached him between the building and the bus stop, and immediately wrapped him up in a hug. He reciprocated, and she felt both arms squeeze her tight.


    ¡°Sorry I¡¯m late,¡± he said before Maya could even mention it. He broke the hug to kiss her on the cheek, making her face glow red hot.


    ¡°Oh, I wasn¡¯t even here that long,¡± she said. All the worry that had built up melted away the second she spotted him coming around the corner. She kept that to herself though, to avoid weirding him out.


    ¡°I stopped to get this, hope it was worth it.¡± Ben lifted the arm he had been hiding earlier. Out in front of him, he held a single red rose.


    Maya felt faint. None of it made any sense to her and she loved it. The whole concept of a man not only liking her, but liking her as much as she liked him. It was bliss. She would have sat there and savored the moment forever if she could. Her eyes started to well with tears.


    ¡°Hey, are you okay?¡± He asked, his smile fading to slight concern.


    Maya wiped the tears away from her eyes with an embarrassed grin. ¡°Of course. I¡¯m just really happy.¡± She took the rose from his hand. ¡°Let¡¯s make sure we don¡¯t miss the bus, come on!¡± With a quick sprint back to the bus stop, Maya sat down, this time with Ben seated next to her.


    She lifted the rose to her nose and closed her eyes. Her mind relaxed, something it hadn¡¯t been able to do for a long time. The sweet floral scent kept her content and in the moment. Ben at her side, warming her up. The sound of him muttering to himself as double checked movie times on his phone. And of course the romantic gesture of the flower.


    A ripple in her happy trance, a grumbling came from the other side of the bus stop. Maya looked up. The old man was still there and had just cleared his throat. His book was now closed and at his side, and he seemed to be staring at her. Or was he staring at Ben? Little bits of worry started to break her barrier. Could he tell they were trans? Did he not like how she was leaning on Ben? Was there some other bus stop rule that she had violated? Ben didn¡¯t notice, or if he did he hid it well, as he kept tapping on his phone screen in a vain attempt to load the theater¡¯s webpage faster.


    ¡°You had this young lady quite flustered, young man,¡± the stranger said.


    Ben looked up, very confused. ¡°Sorry, do you mean me?¡±


    The old man nodded and cleared his throat again. ¡°Yes, you! You left her waiting here for nearly half an hour. Back in my day if you did that to a girl she¡¯d have your head on a spike! She certainly wouldn¡¯t be happy to see ya!¡±


    ¡°Sorry I¨C Well, uhh¨C So the thing is¨C¡± Ben stammered.


    Maya spoke up. ¡°It¡¯s okay, really. He was late because he was getting me this.¡± She stretched her arm toward the old man, proudly showing off her rose.


    ¡°I see. Well, if she¡¯s happy I suppose you know what you¡¯re doing.¡± He chuckled to himself then opened his book back up. ¡°But miss,¡± he said as he looked Maya directly in the eyes over the top of his page. ¡°Don¡¯t let him make it a habit of upsettin¡¯ you then making it up. Hold yourself to a higher standard.¡±


    Maya nodded. ¡°Thank you¡­¡± she muttered under her breath, unsure what the appropriate response was. She knew the man meant well but it was clear he had a completely different impression of how their dynamic worked.


    And the way Ben was sweating made her realize how much he cared, and how sorry he must have felt. Not wanting him to worry too much, she rested her head on his shoulder in hopes it would calm him down.


    ¡°I should have sent a text, I¡¯m sorry. I just wanted to have a cute surprise.¡± Ben whispered, though Maya figured the man could still hear him.


    ¡°Stop apologizing, I already forgave you.¡± Maya said, now with her eyes closed. She knew the bus was due any minute, but she silently wished it would never arrive and she could relax there against him all day.


    And sure enough Maya could hear a large vehicle approaching; the familiar whirring of the bus announced its arrival. Ben nudged her, finally forcing her eyes back open. She dampened her instinct to whine and stood up, knowing their date would be worth getting up for.


    The old man was already up by the bus, and Maya could finally make out what book he was holding: How to Save a Marriage in 30 Days.


    Maya stepped off the bus after Ben, happy to be outside again. It was only a twelve minute ride but the air was stuffy, and she could feel everyone¡¯s eyes on her the whole time. That all made it very hard to sleep on Ben¡¯s shoulder, so she gave up three minutes in. Her date didn¡¯t seem phased at all though. Every time he spoke, he seemed happier than the last time.


    They were the only two to get off at that stop and the bus departed behind them. The theater was already in sight, no more than a block away. Ben broke into a brisk walk. Maya slipped the rose into her purse and followed suit. On their ride he had mentioned that the movie started sooner than he originally thought, and they might have to hurry to not miss the start.


    Maya was happy to match his pace. She didn¡¯t care what movie they were going to see,  she knew once they were there she could lean on Ben as much as she wanted for nearly two hours. He seemed to enjoy it both at the bus stop and on the bus itself, so she doubted that Ben would complain about the arrangement.


    As soon as they entered the theater Maya¡¯s nostrils were overwhelmed with the smell of popcorn. Just as they had planned it on the bus, Ben split off to grab their tickets while Maya headed to concessions for snacks and drinks. She refused the money he tried to hand her, insisting that she would pay for at least one thing herself.


    The concession stand had short lines, luckily, and Maya was able to grab a bottle of water, a cup of root beer, and a medium popcorn which she promptly doused with butter.


    ¡°Hey!¡± Ben said from behind. Maya nearly jumped and dropped everything. ¡°I have the tickets, we¡¯re this way.¡± Immediately he rushed down the hall toward screen ten while she tried to keep up without spilling popcorn everywhere.


    Finally, they reached their theater and settled down in their seats. And not a moment too soon, as the lights darkened and movie trailers started blaring.


    ¡°Here, this is yours,¡± Maya whispered as she handed Ben his cup.


    ¡°Thanks. I can hold the popcorn too,¡± he said.


    Maya happily handed the bucket to him to keep in his lap. She didn¡¯t mind helping by holding it, but if her arms were holding popcorn they couldn¡¯t cling to Ben. Which, she immediately did with her hands finally free.


    The sound of people settling into their seats mixed with Ben chomping on popcorn put her into a trance. Movie previews played but Maya hardly paid them any attention. Truth be told, she forgot what movie they came here to see until Ben reminded her on the bus. Punk Driver 2, which Maya assumed was a sequel to a movie she¡¯d never seen before. But Ben was excited for it, and liked the first one, and Maya would gladly sit through it if it meant the date would go smoothly.


    After one or two more trailers the lights got even darker, essentially shutting off completely other than the exit sign. There was one last wave of others in the theater shuffling around in the few seconds of silence before it began. Even Ben shifted his weight around in his seat.


    Maya had heard before, from both Karen and the internet at large, that movie theaters were a bad idea for first dates. No talking, not even really looking at each other, no real way to test compatibility. That didn¡¯t really make sense to her. If two people could sit next to each other without talking for that long and still say they had a good time, that had to mean something, right? Would she would love to be at a restaurant, gazing into Ben¡¯s eyes while he devours an overpriced burger? Sure. But what made that any better? Others must not know that being able to hold on to him for so long was just as good.


    She would also love to sit there and just fantasize about all she and Ben would do together in the weeks, months, maybe even years to come. But unfortunately, the movie started becoming hard to ignore. Maya saw a man on a motorcycle racing through cars in a traffic jam, with a helicopter tailing him from above. As much as part of her wanted to ask Ben what was happening, since she assumed the first movie explained some things, she decided to stay silent. Besides, this way she could make up a backstory in her head for the characters, which was always more fun.


    Her imagination began to take over what she was seeing on the screen. To her, the man on the motorcycle was an ex-school teacher who taught illegal mathematics in a world that had banned any calculating. He was on the run from the math police, determined to bring the art of numbers back to the world. And his love interest wasn¡¯t just some boring, run-of-the-mill woman who was there to sell more tickets. She was actually a descendent of Albert Einstein, and found a secret briefcase that had been passed down for generations with a powerful equation inside that would bring world peace¡­


    Maya wondered if she was getting too invested in her own alternative story. If Ben wanted to talk about the movie afterward, it was likely she¡¯d have no clue what actually happened. She doubted he would be that upset about it. She squeezed his arm a little tighter.


    About halfway through the movie, a sex scene started. Maya wasn¡¯t particularly phased. She didn¡¯t really find the main guy attractive, and movie sex scenes are always the same anyway: all carefully framed shots of the actors¡¯ upper bodies and artfully placed blankets. Ben, however, stirred. And he hadn¡¯t stirred at all the whole movie, so Maya knew something was up.


    No way this is making him horny¡­ right?


    Maya tried to look over and peek at him but it was too dark to make out any emotion on his face from the angle she was at. It wasn¡¯t a big deal to her. So what if he got excited by a scene in a movie? It was just his testosterone doing its job. She did wonder just what was going through his head though.


    Is he thinking about us? Would he be thinking about that this early? It¡¯s only our first date! And there¡¯s so much we would have to discuss first.


    As a general rule, Maya liked to talk with any partners about how her being trans would affect anything physical that may happen. She also preferred to not get too intimate on a first date. However, the more she thought about it, the clearer it was that Ben was the exception.


    Besides, we just said movie then dinner. Nothing about going anywhere private. We won¡¯t have to worry about that¡­ this time.


    The rest of the movie was a mix of Maya trying to figure out what was happening, and going into mental tangents of worry about Ben¡¯s expectations of her. Luckily she never let it get too out of hand. Being able to close her eyes for a few seconds and lean on Ben certainly helped.


    As the lights flicked back on, and people got up and left their seats, Maya and Ben stayed to finish their popcorn.


    ¡°Probably not a good idea to keep eating this when we¡¯re supposed to have dinner soon,¡± Ben said. Of course, he crammed a fistful of popcorn into his mouth right after.


    ¡°It just means we¡¯ll order smaller meals,¡± Maya said. ¡°Since you wanna buy me dinner so bad, your wallet will appreciate it.¡±


    ¡°What happened to you wanting to chip in?¡±


    ¡°That was for the movies.¡± Maya said, popcorn still in her mouth. She held up a finger while she finished swallowing. ¡°Dinner is a different story. It¡¯s cuter if the waiter sees you paying for me.¡±


    Enjoying this book? Seek out the original to ensure the author gets credit.


    Ben smiled and shook his head. ¡°Going into debt so my date feels cuter¡­¡±


    ¡°And because you offered!¡± Maya reminded him. Truthfully she had no problem taking care of her half, but it wasn¡¯t every day a trans girl got to go on a proper date. Was it wrong to want an authentic experience?


    Maya and Ben followed the hostess to their table. A tiny one in the corner, with a stool on each side. Their glamorous dinner was in a chain restaurant, after all. Thankfully it meant prices would be low and she wouldn¡¯t feel too guilty for making Ben pay. They both got up on their stools and thanked the hostess before she left.


    ¡°So, what are you ordering?¡± Ben asked, scanning the menu.


    ¡°We just got here!¡± Maya said. ¡°It takes me at least ten minutes to figure out what I want, sorry if you were in a rush. And I¡¯ll keep it cheap, don¡¯t worry.¡±


    ¡°I¡¯m not worried about that. I just want to know so I can order for you. Figure I may as well go all out, right?¡±


    Maya smiled and held up her menu to hide how red her cheeks just turned. As much as Ben joked about not being a gentleman, he knew how to make her feel special. A small piece of her felt bad. Cheated, even. Was this how her life would have been if she were cis? Why was she robbed of this feeling for so long? But she wasn¡¯t being robbed of it anymore. Ben was there, and he was different. He was what she had needed for so long. Someone who could actually see her as a woman.


    She took a deep breath and focused on the menu. There were better times to unpack her  trauma that weren¡¯t in the middle of a chain restaurant. And she already teared up once for a dumb reason, she wouldn¡¯t let it happen twice on the same date.


    Pasta, wings, burgers, ribs¡­


    The visual of her eating something so messy in front of Ben on their first date made her chuckle. As entertaining as that would be, and she was sure he wasn¡¯t the type to care about something like that, she set her eyes on a small dish of rice and chicken and pointed it out to Ben.


    ¡°Wow, that was way faster than ten minutes. Are you sure?¡± He teased her. ¡°I haven¡¯t even read every burger option yet.¡±


    ¡°Get the one with bacon on it. That¡¯s what every guy does at every restaurant I¡¯ve ever been to. There¡¯s no fighting it, you will have to give in eventually.¡±


    He smiled at her and set his menu down. ¡°Is it bad that that¡¯s the one I was considering the most?¡±


    ¡°See! It¡¯s a rule of the universe.¡±


    Ben opened his mouth to speak but before he could get a word out, a waiter approached their table. He had two glasses of water in his hands and set one each down in front of them.


    ¡°Sup dudes! My name¡¯s Reggie, and I¡¯m going to be taking care of you tonight. Can I get you anything else to drink as a start?¡±


    The man couldn¡¯t have been much older than Maya, and he had his hair dyed bright red. Maya did notice he was on the shorter side, probably a few inches shorter than her or Ben. But other than the vibrant hair color he looked quite plain. His high energy did make up for it though.


    ¡°Oh just water is fine, but we have our orders already.¡± Ben said.


    ¡°Great! That¡¯s perfect, what will you two be having?¡± Reggie said as he whipped out his notepad.


    ¡°The lady will have the chicken and rice, and for me I¡¯ll take the cowboy burger.¡± Ben spoke clearly and pointed to images as he ordered.


    Reggie nodded and scribbled in his pad, then flipped it shut. ¡°Alright, I¡¯ll put this in and bring it out when it¡¯s ready! Let me know if y''all need more water or anything.¡± He smiled one last time and walked away.


    As soon as he was out of earshot Maya started giggling.


    Ben looked at her with his head tilted. ¡°Did I do something wrong?¡±


    ¡°No, that was just sort of surreal.¡± She set her elbows on the table and cradled her chin.


    ¡°Ah, true. Not everyday you meet a guy with neon hair named Reggie.¡±


    ¡°Not that!¡± Maya tried not to raise her voice too loud. ¡°Just¡­ you ordering for me felt nice. That¡¯s all. I know that sounds dumb.¡±


    ¡°It doesn¡¯t sound dumb.¡± Ben¡¯s expression changed from playful to compassionate. ¡°It¡¯s sweet. And a little sad. But the good news is I¡¯m gonna do it next time we go out too, so get used to it.¡±


    Once again, Maya was struggling to not start bawling in public.


    The walk back to the bus stop was peaceful. Their dinner was great, the food wasn¡¯t perfect but they didn¡¯t expect it to be. It was the chance to talk and stare at each other and not have anything else to worry about that made it great.


    Ben pulled Maya close to him. The chilly weather made for a good excuse. She could hear his breathing much better. It was almost shaky.


    Is he that cold? Is he nervous about something? Maya had gone the last half of dinner without any intrusive, pessimistic thoughts. One day they would stop, she hoped.


    ¡°I had a really good time,¡± Maya said. She figured he might be worried the date went poorly.


    ¡°Same,¡± Ben said matter-of-factly.


    Oh, so he hated it. I should have just paid my half, he probably just offered as a joke and now he thinks I¡¯m some weird money-obsessed freak.


    ¡°Actually,¡± Ben piped up again, ¡°what if instead of ending here we go to my place?¡±


    Maya¡¯s stomach started to act up for the first time that day. ¡°Just like, just to, like, hang out right?¡± She stammered.


    ¡°Yeah! Or, you know, whatever.¡± Ben smiled at her and squeezed her shoulder.


    Her brain began to split. She liked Ben a lot, and wanted him more than anything. But, she also had no clue what he was expecting, what he would or wouldn¡¯t be okay with. And asking would imply that she had certain expectations, and what if she was misinterpreting everything? Still, she needed to answer before it became awkward.


    ¡°Okay! Let¡¯s go.¡± Maya decided. She figured that if things heated up she could always bring the topic up then. And at the end of the day she really did want to be with Ben.


    They smiled at each other and nodded.


    The bus ride back was much better. There were less people, it was easier to breathe, and the few people that were there never bothered looking at her. She could easily put all of her attention on Ben, who was doing the same to her.


    As soon as they were seated Ben set his hand on Maya¡¯s thigh. The jolt that flew through her body in that moment got rid of any fears she had about continuing the date. Thoughts of what might happen played in her head, exciting her further.


    They could make out without interruption. They might take things further, or even just cuddling for the night would make her ecstatic. Whatever was going to happen, Maya just knew she wanted Ben to keep touching her.


    After getting off the bus and a short walk, the two finally entered Ben¡¯s apartment. He had assured her that his roommate was out for the weekend, so nobody would bother them.


    Maya looked around the apartment, taking in everything that Ben was used to seeing every day. It was tidier than she expected. Though, it was still fairly messy. A couple of plates on the coffee table, a mess of wires under the television. But the floor was swept and the kitchen looked clean from what she could see.


    ¡°Here, let me take your jacket.¡± Ben said.


    Maya nodded and slipped out of the sleeves before handing it to him. He hung it up, along with his own coat, on the rack by the door.


    He gestured toward the couch. ¡°Sit, please. I¡¯ll put something on.¡±


    Again, Maya nodded and grinned. Her fears were vanishing as time went on. She knew Ben. She trusted Ben. If they did start anything and a problem arose, they would talk it out and move forward. She seated herself on one end of the couch, though a bit toward the middle so she would still be near him if he sat on the opposite end.


    Ben walked over and picked the remote off the table. The TV lit up, and he quickly put on a show Maya had never heard of. It looked like an anime, which she knew he liked a lot. ¡°Hope you don¡¯t mind Super Ball K. It¡¯s sort of a masterpiece, I think you¡¯ll love it.¡± He set the controller back down and sat on the couch, right next to Maya.


    She bit her lip. He had been close to her all day but this was the first time they¡¯ve been alone the entire time. Scenarios played in her head, some brand new, some she had pictured nights prior. As the show played on and she did her best to seem like she was paying attention, Ben was all that existed in her head. Every few seconds she would sneak a peek at him, wishing he would turn the show off and make something happen.


    She felt foolish in a way. The whole day she had no problem leaning on him and holding on to him, and now it seemed almost impossible to make herself do it. On top of that, her worries of doing something intimate on the first date had flipped entirely to an impatient desire.


    Before she knew it, an entire twenty-minute episode had passed. During the entire thing Ben hadn¡¯t even given a hint that he might touch her, in fact he didn¡¯t say a word. Karen¡¯s words echoed in Maya¡¯s head. He might need a shove.


    The next episode started playing. She knew it was time for something to happen, and he still wasn¡¯t budging. Not wanting to be too obvious, she leaned her head on Ben¡¯s shoulder and hugged his arm. Something she had done half a dozen times that day, it wouldn¡¯t freak him out. He leaned into her.


    Okay that¡¯s a good sign. Let¡¯s try this now.


    She looked up and saw he was still laser focused on the show. It would have been cute, if she wasn¡¯t desperate for his touch at the moment. With a deep breath, she took her hand and poked a finger at his ribs. A few weeks ago she read online that tickling a guy makes him want to pin you down.


    ¡°Ow. What was that for?¡± Ben asked.


    Shit, I¡¯m an idiot. Last time I listen to the internet about men.


    ¡°Oh umm¡­ nothing.¡± Maya said, not at all smooth.


    Ben didn¡¯t seem too phased, as he simply shrugged and turned back to the TV. Desperation was beginning to set in. She didn¡¯t know that many tricks to start something with a guy, and the ones she did know didn¡¯t seem to be working.


    At that point she¡¯d given up any pretense of watching his show. She sat staring at him, detailing every part of his face. Still, no ideas came to her. Ben seemed to notice her gaze burning into him, and looked her in the eyes. He looked nervous, almost.


    Wasn¡¯t this his idea? Why does he look scared? Did he not think this through?


    She was about to give up when he kissed her. Despite wanting it, and enjoying it, it startled her. It felt just as good as the other day¨C no, better. They had nothing to do until tomorrow, nobody was around, they could be there for hours this time.


    Ben ended the kiss, and reached out for the remote. Maya worried for a split second that he was going to put on another show until the TV clicked off.


    ¡°Sorry for making you watch that.¡± He said.


    Maya would have responded, but Ben had already turned to her and resumed their kiss. She closed her eyes, fully prepared to enjoy the moment. Soon she could feel herself leaning backward, and Ben followed her until her back was firmly on the couch and he was on top of her.


    The feeling of all his weight on her awoke something she hadn¡¯t felt before. Almost on instinct, she took his bottom lip in her teeth and gave it a light bite. His reaction was subtle, yet immediate. He had one hand planted on the couch next to her to prop himself up, and put his other on Maya¡¯s stomach, starting to slowly slide under her shirt. She was excited to see where it would end up.


    Suddenly, something clicked in Maya¡¯s head. Since their first kiss, she felt a strange familiarity. Specifically a lingering taste. It wasn¡¯t bad, in fact she liked it a lot. She just couldn¡¯t place what it was. But at that moment it became very clear. The taste was Ben. Not like his flesh, she wasn¡¯t a cannibal, just him as a whole. The taste made her feel exactly the same as his smell, or hearing his voice, or just looking at him. She had no clue what to do with that information, only that it felt profound. It made her realize just how special Ben was.


    Eventually Ben¡¯s wandering hand found something. A tug at the bottom of Maya¡¯s bra pulled her out of the trance the kiss held her in. For a few moments she just let him go, to see what he would do. It wasn¡¯t very impressive. He spent nearly a whole minute just trying to slip a finger underneath.


    There¡¯s no way this bumbling idiot used to be a girl.


    Maya broke off the kiss to whisper in his ear. ¡°How about we just take the shirt off?¡± She suggested. He nodded excitedly, taking the opportunity to catch his breath. Her hands, which had been gripping Ben¡¯s shoulders since he fell onto her, disappeared into her sleeves. ¡°Help please?¡± She asked. He was happy to oblige, and soon Maya¡¯s shirt was on the floor.


    Ben¡¯s demeanor instantly changed. No longer was he second guessing his movements, he was ready to lead the way. But Maya didn¡¯t think it would be fun to give up control so easily. When he put his hands on her bra she peeled them away and held up a finger.


    ¡°One second. I have an idea.¡± She wiggled out from under him and positioned him so he was sitting nicely on the couch. Then she straddled him, one thigh on each side of his hips.


    The grin that appeared on his face told her all she needed. Maya would have loved to keep looking at his smile, but she needed to taste him again. She put a hand on his shoulder and one on his chest and finally submitted as Ben pulled her into another kiss.


    He wasn¡¯t afraid to do what he wanted this time. His hands alternated between grabbing her behind and squeezing, and grabbing her hips and pulling them down into him. She had no idea which one she preferred.


    Then she felt it. A stirring she knew would come. She wished it would go away forever. Her plan was to have a mature conversation about this before it ever came to this point. Clearly that had failed. She decided to keep ignoring it. Everything was going so well, and it¡¯s not like he would be surprised. And it might stop there and not get worse.


    Finally, Ben remembered what he had wanted so badly earlier. His hands left her hips and went to her back, unclasping Maya¡¯s bra. She felt left out and snuck her hands up his shirt, tracing a line all the way up to his chest. It felt tight. He had mentioned getting top surgery in the past, and she knew he used to be an athlete. Another surreal moment in a week full of them: she was making out, and further, with an athlete.


    Ben¡¯s hands were on a similar journey. As clunky as he was earlier, he now had her anticipating each new move he made toward her chest.


    His arm brushed the side of her breast. It felt incredible but¨C


    More stirring. It would be fine. They were both enjoying themselves.


    Ben¡¯s hand was now cupping her left side, though Maya was starting to lose focus of the enjoyment.


    He squeezed, and a few things happened. First, Maya yelped. In pleasure, mostly. Second, the stirring reached a tipping point. She could feel herself poking Ben¡¯s stomach, which meant he could feel it too. And lastly, her eyes shot open.


    ¡°I¡¯m sorry.¡± Maya stopped the kiss and stood up. Ben¡¯s hands slid down her side, grazing her waist and hips until she was out of reach. ¡°I¡¯m super sorry, we should have talked about this before¨C¡±


    ¡°What are you talking about?¡± Ben asked.


    ¡°Like, because¡­ you know¡­¡± Maya found it impossible to vocalize.


    ¡°I know you¡¯re trans, Maya. I know what to expect.¡±


    It was too late. Maya¡¯s brain was scrambled and no amount of deep breathing could sort it out. She rapidly scanned the room, finding her bra and shirt that had been tossed aside.


    Ben stood up and tried to reach for Maya¡¯s hand. ¡°Are you okay? Do you need a glass of water or¨C¡±


    ¡°Yeah, yes please, that might¡­ that should be¡­ help.¡± Her breathing sped up as she rushed to put her clothes back on. Out of the corner of her eye she spotted a small bathroom and headed toward it while Ben went to the kitchen.


    Once inside she shut the door and turned the fan on. She sat on the closed toilet lid and just focused on the white noise. Still, a voice pierced through it.


    You¡¯re not the real thing. This is just a game of dress-up that¡¯s gone too far. Running from problems only makes them worse, you have to accept what you really are.


    She started brushing her hair with her fingers and closed her eyes tight. Count to ten, then count down. That¡¯s what Karen had told her. But Karen didn¡¯t know who Maya really was. She didn¡¯t know Maya was a faker, and that normal tactics would fail with her.


    No guy would pick you over an actual woman. All the people you¡¯ve tricked are going to wake up and desert you sooner or later. It¡¯s only a matter of time before this all ends.


    A knock at the door.


    ¡°Maya, I have a glass of water set on the table out here for you, I hope you¡¯re doing okay.¡± Ben¡¯s voice was on the other side.


    Just hearing him gave her a little more stability. The other voice she heard was getting quieter, and her breathing was becoming sturdier. She stood up and stared at herself in the mirror. Her eyes had become red and puffy, tears had started to blur her makeup, and her mouth was intensely frowning. The night was ruined and it was her fault entirely.


    Carefully, she opened the door and met Ben at the kitchen table. She tried to avoid eye contact as she grabbed the glass he got for her and shakily sipped at it.


    ¡°Sorry if I moved things too quickly,¡± Ben started. ¡°I should have¨C¡±


    ¡°No.¡± Maya set the glass down. ¡°This is my fault. I wanted to do this and I rushed through to try and avoid any awkward conversations.¡±


    ¡°Well, still,¡± Ben insisted. ¡°It would have been better if I did things differently too.¡±


    Maya silently nodded. ¡°I don¡¯t think I¡¯m ready for this,¡± she eventually said.


    ¡°What? No, we just need to take it a bit slower.¡± Ben looked worried.


    ¡°Maybe. I think I should go home now.¡± Maya walked to the door and grabbed her jacket.


    ¡°It¡¯s really late, at least let me walk you back.¡± Ben followed her and reached for his coat, but she stopped his hand.


    ¡°No. I¡¯ll be okay, it¡¯s a well-lit college town. And I have pepper spray.¡±


    Ben grumbled but obliged. ¡°Just be careful. Make sure to text when you get home.¡±


    ¡°I will. Thank you for everything today, it was nice.¡± Maya said.


    ¡°Of course, I had a lot of fun. I¡¯ll see you soon.¡±


    Maya gave Ben a faint smile before closing the door behind her.

 Crumbling

    Ben regretted lending his earbuds to a classmate. The entire day he had lived in fear of his roommate¡¯s next video game-related outburst. Last month it was a Street Fighter type game, before that a generic shooter. He was sure Anthony had told him at one point or another. And unfortunately, another rage-fueled tirade had just begun.


    He paused his show. Luckily the living room was far enough away that he couldn¡¯t make out any individual words. Still, it was still enough to distract Super Ball K. Ben threw his head back and clenched his eyes shut. There was a reason he moved in with Anthony, he was sure of it. But times like this made it hard to recall.


    They had met in high school and became fast friends. Anthony didn¡¯t care about Ben being trans, as long as he could geek out over video games and anime with him. As for Ben, he liked having a friend who shared his nerdy interests after a childhood of pretending to care about clothes and keeping up appearances.


    He supposed that he could put up with some annoyances here and there for the best friendship he¡¯d ever had. Was that sad? Most people wouldn¡¯t think about their best friends like that, right? Not to mention he had in fact felt closer to someone before.


    Thoughts of Maya trickled into his head. Usually he would push them out right away, but he was feeling sentimental, like he could use a wave of emotions to break up the monotony. It hadn¡¯t been that long since they had spoken. Just a few weeks, maybe a month. Besides, it was winter break, and the holidays always make it harder to keep up with people. Though Ben wasn¡¯t exactly trying to stay in touch, after all that had happened.


    He pressed play on the remote, determined to resume his show. It didn¡¯t work. Anthony was still arguing with his computer while images of Maya were taking root in his mind. Since when did the thought of her upset him? Not long ago he felt nothing but comfort and warmth when she was on his mind. It was the night of their first date, which also happened to be their last date. That was when it began to shift.


    As hard as it was for Ben to believe, that night was three months ago. They had spent the entire day together, having what he assumed was a good time. Clearly Maya had a different experience. He knew he shouldn¡¯t have rushed things. They got along so well, they clicked perfectly, how could it have gone wrong? Yet, Maya left his place on the verge of tears.


    Ben had tried to keep his cool after that. He went to bed that night telling himself it was just a small hiccup, and they would be fine after they saw each other again and talked through it. And he really did believe that for a few days. Their text conversations were as happy and flirty as ever. Maya didn¡¯t seem too shaken by the event. In fact she hardly mentioned it. But soon their responses lost some of their pep. Little by little the happiness that Ben felt when talking to her faded. It wasn¡¯t just on Maya¡¯s end, either. Ben kept replaying that night in his head, wondering what he could have changed. They were both enthusiastic at the start, so how did it end so terribly? Any attempts to bring it up with Maya were immediately redirected. She assured him it was all her fault and nothing to do with him. Of course, that didn¡¯t satisfy him.


    Before long, Ben¡¯s mind started to form its own explanations. Maybe it finally sunk in for her that I¡¯m not a real man. That I couldn¡¯t do what a cis guy could for her.


    Vague theories and dark thoughts started to twist around in his head, becoming more convincing as they grew more self-loathing. He wanted to believe that Maya wouldn¡¯t see him that way. Of course she didn¡¯t, they were both trans. But maybe?


    Each day that passed without him seeing her made him more certain. She skipped the following club meeting. Then pottery class. And when questioned through text she promised it was just a cold, nothing to do with him. Every issue she had, it was the same theme: nothing to do with him, not his fault. Her attempts to ease his conscience made everything worse.


    Maybe it should have something to do with me. Why won¡¯t she talk to me and let me help? We¡¯ve both gone through so many of the same struggles, does she really think I can¡¯t understand? That I can¡¯t do anything to help? Am I that useless in her eyes?


    After a week and a half of this, Anthony noticed his roommate¡¯s moping around. While Ben had definitely seen his fair share of days cooped up inside, this was something new.


    Of course, Anthony wasn¡¯t a standard friend, especially in situations involving the real world. So while your average person in this situation might ask what was wrong, or do something to cheer up their depressed buddy, Anthony took a different approach.


    ¡°You should just, like¡­ date someone else.¡± He would advise.


    And of course Ben would always respond with, ¡°Thank you, very useful, I¡¯ll get right on that.¡±


    Miraculously, it never cheered him up.


    Finally, after nearly two full weeks, Maya showed up to the club meeting. She told him the night before she was feeling better and would make it. That was nearly enough to make Ben forget every depressing thought that been occupying his mind. Nearly enough. He didn¡¯t like how vague she was about everything, how she refused to open up. Which is why he planned to ambush her after their meeting that day.


    It was hard though. He was waiting at a table when she tapped on his shoulder and joined him. The moment he saw her all of the worry and tension and anger that had built up melted away. She was in a cute, fuzzy, peach sweater, and her smile looked sweeter than it ever had before. He hadn¡¯t realized how much he missed looking at her until then, even if admitting it made him feel like a creep.


    As much as he tried, he couldn¡¯t recall anything they had discussed throughout the whole meeting. He just remembered the bliss he felt finally being next to her again. Surely they discussed pottery, their club project, small talk. At one point some other members joined them and they played a quick game of cards. But the whole time they never discussed the one thing that weighed so heavily on him. Maya seemed completely willing to ignore the past two weeks and just pretend things were normal. But Ben had been in situations like this before. If they didn¡¯t confront it head on, they would continue being haunted by whatever issue Maya had that night until they hated each other. It was important they dealt with it sooner rather than later.


    Once Maya stood up and began to say goodbye, Ben ushered her away from the door where everyone was headed.


    ¡°Woah!¡± Maya had said, clearly startled by the sudden physicality. ¡°What¡¯s gotten into you?¡±


    ¡°Maya, we really need to talk.¡± Ben straightened his posture and wiped his palms on his pants.


    ¡°I¡¯m sorry I was away for so long, like I said I¡­ got sick,¡± Maya averted her eyes.


    Ben had caught on to when Maya wanted to say something but was afraid to. He didn¡¯t want to scold her or anything, she obviously had her reasons for being secretive. Still, he was determined to clear the air.


    ¡°I hate to say it, but I don¡¯t believe you.¡± Ben tried his best to keep eye contact with her, or at least where her eyes would be if she weren¡¯t staring at the floor. ¡°It¡¯s very clear that something happened on our date night. I just want to know what it was. I¡¯m sorry if I did something to upset you or¨C¡±


    ¡°No.¡± Maya was now looking right at him. ¡°It wasn¡¯t anything you did, it was all me. I¡¯ve told you that. And then I got sick. Is this really all so hard to believe?¡±


    Ben was caught off-guard by her tone. He wasn¡¯t sure he had ever heard her sound stern before, at least not to that extent. ¡°Maya. Please, I won¡¯t be mad at whatever it is you have to say.¡±


    Her severe expression weakened at the slightest resistance. ¡°I just¡­¡± She tucked her hands into her sweater sleeves and stayed quiet, though Ben swore he could hear her breathing get shallower. While she gathered her words she looked left and right to make sure nobody was within earshot. As she moved her eyes Ben could see tears welling up in them.


    Oh what have I done... Ben cursed himself for making her cry. He didn¡¯t want that.


    Maya sighed and spoke again. ¡°It¡¯s hard to talk about, I guess. I¡¯ve always kept thoughts like this to myself, and I¡¯m not sure how I¡¯ll handle sharing them with anyone.¡± She took a deep breath. ¡°But I joined this club to meet people I can open up to about this part of my life, so you¡¯re right. I shouldn¡¯t be afraid to talk about it with you.¡±


    Relief washed over Ben. Things might actually be okay. We can overcome this together.


    Ben reached out and grabbed one of her hands from her sweater sleeve. ¡°You really can tell me anything. I swear it won¡¯t change what I think about you, or how I feel about you.¡± Maya smiled, her usual warmth returning for a moment.


    Stolen content warning: this tale belongs on Royal Road. Report any occurrences elsewhere.


    ¡°Well that night¡­ I really was happy to be there with you. And I liked where things were headed. But my body is just¨C I can¡¯t do what I want, I can¡¯t exist how I should. It makes sense in my head, how it should go, but everything¡¯s all wrong. How could I ever be intimate with you and connect with you when I don¡¯t even feel connected to my own body?¡± Maya wiped a tear that had started streaming down her cheek, yet kept her voice steady. ¡°Sorry, I¡¯m rambling. Just, that night I realized how hopeless it is for me to ever try and be with anyone. I could never give you what you deserve.¡±


    It all sounded too familiar to Ben. He had been silently nodding and squeezing her hand when he felt it appropriate, unsure how he was going to respond when he may as well had said the same thing. Yet somehow the despair she was feeling didn¡¯t hit him in the same way. There would be time later to ponder that. For now, Maya needed comfort.


    He pulled her into his arms and held her. ¡°I know how you¡¯re feeling, but you¡¯re wrong, okay? I can¡¯t explain it but I¡¯m one hundred percent sure you¡¯re wrong. I¡¯m so happy just being around you, looking at you, touching you. Please trust me, you¡¯re so much more than I deserve.¡±


    She didn¡¯t respond. All Ben could feel was her quietly sobbing into his shoulder. Guilt weighed on him, though he wasn¡¯t sure why. Perhaps that he couldn¡¯t make her happy no matter what he said, or that she wouldn¡¯t be here crying her eyes out if not for him. He wanted to keep talking, telling her every little thing he liked about her; to keep trying until he could find the perfect thing to say and stop her crying and fix everything. But a bit of silence seemed to be what she needed. That would help more than anything he could say.


    Another shout from Anthony¡¯ room freed Ben from the memory he found himself in. This time it was accompanied by a slamming of his desk and before long he was out in the living room. No doubt looking for a snack before retreating to his game again.


    ¡°Having fun in there?¡± Ben asked, already knowing the answer.


    Anthony sighed and changed course to the living room. His face looked utterly defeated. Ben would normally roll his eyes at the prospect of caring that much about a game, but after weeks of growing more numb each day he couldn¡¯t find any position to judge from.


    ¡°What do you want to order for dinner?¡± Anthony asked. He leaned against the wall, his greasy dark hair sticking to his forehead.


    Ben contemplated. They only ever ordered food it seemed. There was a time they would go out to eat, or even cook a meal themselves. What happened to that? Though this one Ben couldn¡¯t pin on Anthony. Ever since Maya disappeared from his life, he hated the idea of going outside anytime it wasn¡¯t necessary. Some crucial part of his confidence no longer existed.


    ¡°Let¡¯s just get a pizza,¡± he blurted out. He wasn¡¯t a fan of where his mind was headed.


    ¡°¡¯Kay.¡± Anthony fumbled around in his pockets and pulled out his phone.


    Their order was the same as always, a huge pizza slathered with every topping that wasn¡¯t a vegetable. Ben sunk into one end of the couch, allowing Anthony to sit while they waited together. As exhausting as Anthony was, he preferred it to being alone.


    Once the food was ordered, Ben turned off his show and switched their TV to a video game to kill time while they waited.


    It was a fighting game that the two of them spent the better part of their first year at college playing. While Ben couldn¡¯t speak for Anthony, a big draw of it was how equal in skill they were at it and how competitive it made them. Neither of them was better than the other for more than a day or two before the other one improved.


    When he ran for his high school team he yearned for a similar feeling. The ability to improve as much as he wanted with no limits. Equal to his peers. It didn¡¯t completely fill the hole left by it. He missed the physicality of running, how he could feel his entire body work more efficiently as he improved. But it was something.


    The memory of how guilty Maya looked after he explained his past flashed in his head. She must have thought the subject bothered him, which sure, it did sometimes. With her though, he didn¡¯t feel the usual anger or unfairness that typically swarmed him. He felt calm and understood. She sat and listened and could relate, and everything was good¡­


    A week after Maya cried on his shoulder, just when Ben was convinced they had overcome any hardship, things got worse. They were in Ben¡¯s living room, putting the finishing touches on their piece for the fair.


    ¡°This is coming together really well!¡± Ben said in between brush strokes. The last ten minutes had been him painting various details on the base to make it look more rugged. Meanwhile, Maya had been silently positioning the figures on each side of the mirror. He wished she were more chatty that day, his favorite part of spending time with her was hearing her unique thoughts on everything pour out of her with no filter.


    Their text conversations were back to normal, which Ben saw as a good sign. And anytime Ben wanted to hang out or grab food she was excited and eager to do so. But there was still something off. It was always Ben initiating everything. She never seemed to want to talk from her end, as if she just went along with it all to humor him.


    It¡¯s only been a week. I¡¯m sure she¡¯ll be back to her chipper self again soon. Ben forced himself to see it all in a positive light. Even then, as they worked without any words exchanged, he wouldn¡¯t allow himself to see a darker meaning to it.


    ¡°Yeah,¡± Maya finally agreed. ¡°I hope people don¡¯t hate it too much.¡±


    ¡°What? Why would they hate it?¡± Ben stopped painting to stare at her.


    ¡°Just¡­ you know. Our ex-group members didn¡¯t seem too impressed with it.¡±


    Ben couldn¡¯t disagree. He knew that they made an enemy or two at the club, and it was entirely his fault. The idea that Maya could get caught in the crossfire of his own personal feud upset him. It was easy for him to get riled up when it came to certain topics, he knew that. He swore to himself he would try and make peace with Jamie and Sky, or at least take the heat off of Maya if he could.


    There wasn¡¯t much work left to do. They had gotten a lot done on the day they worked with Ethan in the park, leaving only a few main tasks left. As cocky as it sounded, Ben was impressed with their effort. Of course he knew it was nearly all Maya¡¯s doing, but he had never felt proud of a project before then. And it wasn¡¯t just because it looked good. This project was the first time he had been able to articulate his transness in a way he could feel understood. Years of talking with close friends, family, therapists and he still wasn¡¯t confident in explaining such a core part of himself with others. But now, with this, there existed some way to connect with people and get his thoughts across. No chance to stutter or back down; it would be seen.


    ¡°If any of them say anything to you about it, don¡¯t believe them,¡± Ben said before returning to painting. ¡°They¡¯re just upset that I fought with them, it has nothing to do with your idea.¡±


    Maya nodded and stayed silent.


    Eventually Ben applied his final brushstroke just as Maya was satisfied with everything¡¯s position. The two stepped back to give it a final look.


    ¡°Well, I like it. It looks good! And it has a strong message.¡± Ben stayed positive for Maya¡¯s sake, not that he had to lie.


    ¡°Maybe you¡¯re right. It does look cool.¡± Maya was already packing away the leftover paint and materials.


    ¡°Hey, we should go get food!¡± Ben suggested. He hoped some time to just relax together without the project there could get them back to their old dynamic.


    Maya froze. The whole room shifted and grew colder. Fear welled up inside Ben as he recognized what was about to happen. He¡¯d seen that look before. On one of his high school girlfriends, on a couple of his guy friends who refused to support his transition. He had even worn it himself once before.


    He was about to be dumped.


    And he knew he couldn¡¯t stop it. Maybe he could have approached things differently and prevented it. Was it space that she¡¯d needed? Or had she wanted him to talk more and be there for her? Too late. Maybe there was never a way to avoid what was coming. Either way, Ben braced himself.


    ¡°Ben¡­¡± Maya said, her voice barely above a whisper. She wasn¡¯t even fully facing him, merely turned in his general direction. ¡°I don¡¯t think we should go on dates for a while. We should just stay friends for the time being.¡±


    Despite his intuition seeing it coming, the rest of him was not prepared. His stomach lurched. That last bit of hope he had was snuffed out. Everything that made him  happy was crumbling and falling apart.


    The silence rang in his ears as he tried to build up enough breath to respond. Maya gripped the table, as if she was terrified of being dragged away. A suppressed swallow could be heard from her every few seconds, along with a muffled sniffle here and there.


    ¡°Okay,¡± was all Ben could manage at first. He knew trying to change her mind would do nothing. She¡¯d just lie to spare his feelings. And it would come back to this eventually either way. So, he had to accept it. ¡°If that¡¯s what you think is best, then sure.¡±


    Maya finally made eye contact with him. He could see the tears building up in her eyes again.


    Why does she look upset? This was her idea. Did she want me to try and argue with her? I¡¯m not in the mood.


    ¡°We¡¯ll still have fun at club meetings. And pottery!¡± Her voice sounded like it tried to get more cheerful but fell flat. ¡°Sorry. I¡¯m just not¡­ We shouldn¡¯t be dating. I shouldn¡¯t be dating anyone.¡±


    Ben didn¡¯t register anything she said. He tried to smile and nod as she packed up. If he thought hard enough he could recall some small talk as she left. Nothing that mattered. Not that he was happy with her words after looking back on them. The pity, the disgust. All of her words carried a nauseating resonance.


    Did it make him a bad person to be upset? As much as he liked her company, he wanted more than just friendship with her. Does blaming her for not wanting the same thing make me a villain? How likely was she to keep her promise of remaining friends, he wondered.


    It would be a couple hours before Anthony got home and Ben could fully numb himself with bland company. He was left with his thoughts and the faint smell of Maya¡¯s strawberry perfume lingering. How could everything be ruined so quickly? Their project sat on the table, staring at Ben and forcing him to realize the reality he was in. Was it really all because of that date? He thought they talked through that, he thought things were getting better.


    It has to be me. Every time, it¡¯s always because of me.

 Gross Freak

    One after another, Maya set bags of snacks on the shelves. As mind-numbing as it was, it also happened to be her favorite task at work recently. Karen wasn¡¯t around that day and she didn¡¯t dare strike up a conversation with her other co-workers. Without anyone to talk to, a long, boring task like restocking was perfect. Mopping always made weird squelching sounds that grossed her out, and it was so late at night that the cash register would only see a customer every hour or so. She was content to just line shelves until her shift ended. Every few minutes she would switch to a new item, keeping it from being too monotonous. Though she wondered how insane she had become to see such depth in a menial task.


    For the time being, there were various flavors of potato chips. She focused on her music as she worked, ignoring that she was actually getting hungry. Relaxing, gentle tunes let her pretend the snacks were just blank bags, not food.


    My coworkers must know by now.


    There was a downside though. The lack of lyrics let any random thought take hold of her mind if she wasn¡¯t careful.


    It¡¯s been months, they must have at least heard a rumor.


    If she could just clear her head and think of her work. Potato chips, right. Cheddar, sour cream and onion, salt and vinegar¡­


    They¡¯ve been treating me differently, even though nobody has said anything. Weird looks when I go into the restroom, hushed conversations that end as soon as I enter a room. Are they planning to get me fired?


    Maya set down the bag she was holding and reached for her phone. She needed a change of music as soon as possible.


    Karen has seemed off too. She must know and not want to talk to me anymore. God why did I ever join that stupid club, it¡¯s done nothing but make things worse.


    She clicked on a different playlist. Suddenly her relaxing lo-fi medley was replaced with heavy bass and fast-paced lyrics. It would slow down her shelving but it meant her mind would be safe. As words blasted her ears she tried to get into sync with the song and hum along when she realized her mistake.


    Wait. Is this the song that was playing when¨C Oh, come on.


    Two months ago, at the activities fair. Maya was a wreck the morning of, almost deciding to give up and decay away in her bed. But she couldn¡¯t. She had dumped Ben just days before. Bailing on the fair would make their friendship ruined for good.


    After a long struggle to get out of bed, she trudged to her small kitchenette in her pajamas. Just an oversized baby blue t-shirt and a pair of gray boyshorts. She always told herself that next time she went shopping she would get something new, something cuter and more feminine, but she never did.


    At the countertop she clicked on her electric kettle and grabbed a box of tea from the cabinet; in the mornings she preferred green. While she waited, she put together a small bowl of yogurt and mixed berries. She needed something quick and light.


    Still not fully awake, she poked at her breakfast and let her mind wander. It was still impossible for her to remember what she did to Ben without feeling like she was being punched in the stomach. Her own hang-ups and insecurities ruined her first college relationship. Not only that, they hung over her like a black cloud and continued to do damage. If she couldn¡¯t contain her darker feelings soon¡­


    The kettle beeped and cut through her thoughts.


    She realized  the time. There was only an hour to get on campus and help Ben set up. Thankfully she had showered the night before to speed things up. After wolfing down her food, she threw on the outfit she prepared and got to work on some quick makeup.


    As she hurried, she pondered changing her clothes. She loved it but she wasn¡¯t too keen on the idea of making herself cute for Ben.


    It wasn¡¯t anything too flashy. A yellow sweater with a soft material Maya loved to wear, with a white collared shirt underneath. She figured that combination would make her look a little more professional than her usual clothes, which couldn¡¯t hurt. Some black dress pants were all she needed to cap off her attempt at a mature vibe. While her eyes did wander to a white hair ribbon she had on her vanity, she decided it would ruin what she was going for.


    The bus ride to the festival was the worst Maya had ever endured. To start, it was three minutes late to arrive at the stop. Once she was on, there wasn¡¯t a single seat open. Not a huge deal, she could stand. A few deep breaths and her worries shrank. But then, the bus decided to stop at every single red light in town. By the fourth one Maya considered jumping out the window and just running there. She was running late by five minutes at least. No, make that six.


    Doing her best to ignore how embarrassing it would be to arrive late, she tried to focus on the random chatter on the bus. In front of her, a girl her age was on the phone. Sounded like she was talking to a parent, most likely her mother. She looked a little annoyed, even. Probably receiving a lecture on something. To her right, an older man with his head leaned into the window, gently snoring. Maya could see the glass get slightly foggy whenever he would breathe out, only for it to return to normal as he inhaled. Behind her¡­ Was that laughter?


    She could make out a group of guys her age speaking in lowered tones from the back of the bus. They had been there when she first got on. Were they on their way to the fair too?


    But the laughter¡­ Was it about her? One of them could have clocked her as trans and now they were using her as the butt of a joke. Or there might be something stuck to her back. What if they just thought she was plain ugly? Was she dressing out of her league?


    She knew turning around would make it all worse. They could all be staring at her, and if she made eye contact they might laugh again. There was no way off of the bus; she would have to wait it out. It couldn¡¯t be that much longer.


    As soon as the bus reached familiar campus grounds she began to recognize her surroundings better. She struggled to see out the window while standing. It made her feel more in control about the pace of the bus. It let her ignore the guys in the back. Relief welled up inside her as the bus passed the building her math classes were in. That meant her stop was next. Someone else had already pulled the cord to signal a drop-off, and soon enough she found herself sprinting off of the anxiety trap that was her college town¡¯s public transportation.


    Maya¡¯s first breath after the bus pulled away fully refreshed her. The group of boys did get off at the same time, which worried her. She pretended to rifle through her bag until they passed her. She felt a tad guilty, as it did mean an extra minute of delay before reaching Ben. Still, she was already late so it wouldn¡¯t mean much in the long run.


    After turning the first street corner she could finally see the entrance to the fair. It looked¡­ calm? Not empty, of course. There were lots of people walking around it and carrying various tables and poles. No, it looked like they were still setting up.


    She rushed through the entrance and dipped under a tent that was only half set up to try and find Ben. They were told where the LGBT Club would be at the last meeting. Somewhere near the food stands on the other side of the field.


    Hopefully wandering in that general direction will be enough¡­ Or the smell of the food booths will guide me.


    Sure enough, she caught a whiff of something being deep fried and headed toward it. Of course she would battle with herself to actually eat any of it, seeing as she had been trying to make her meals healthy recently. But smelling delicious, greasy food never hurt a waistline.


    The anxiousness of the bus ride was finally starting to fade as she made her way closer to the other end of the fair. She passed many people who looked busy setting up stalls and booths. Her hypervigilance kicked in and noticed every single glance at her direction. Guys would give her a quick scan over and usually stare a little longer at her chest before trying to pretend as if they didn¡¯t just check her out. Women would give a similar scan, though they just smile and never tried to hide anything.


    It had been like that since transitioning. Truth be told, she still wasn¡¯t sure which she preferred. When most men looked at her, it made her uneasy. Like they might want to hurt her. Though she had grown up as a boy and felt offended whenever a woman thought that of her, she knew now it was hard to ignore. But with the women looking at her, it was scary in its own way. They were ten times more likely to clock her. Men were unlikely to hurt her with other people around, but if a woman screamed and outed her as trans, things could change. She hated how often fear controlled her actions. Most of the people she passed were nice and would never do something cruel to her, right?


    Of course not! If there was even a chance of that, she would have to be an idiot to go and reveal herself as trans¡­ to anyone passing by at the fair¡­ that very same day.


    ¡°Maya! Over here!¡± Ben¡¯s voice rushed in from her right. She looked over and saw him for the first time since they had broken up.


    He seemed happy? Maya wasn¡¯t complaining. The week leading up she had dreaded how upset he might be. She felt relieved that none of that seemed to be coming true. Their texts had all been very formal over the past week, entirely focused on plans for the fair and how to present their project. Nothing at all about their relationship. It almost worried her how normal he seemed, like he was bottling everything in. Or worse, did he not understand they were really done dating? She thought she had been clear with her intentions. Whatever the case, keeping the peace was her best option, so she smiled and walked toward him.


    ¡°Hey!¡± Maya attempted to greet him with as much enthusiasm she could muster. Which was surprisingly more than expected. As she grew closer, she noticed the entire LGBT Club setup was being built up around them still. A few familiar faces, though nobody she knew by name, were putting up pride streamers and signs. Only half finished, she could make out a table at the front with some pamphlets on it and a few other art projects nearby. Her and Ben¡¯s piece sat among them.


    Support the creativity of authors by visiting Royal Road for this novel and more.


    ¡°Did I get the times wrong? Why is everything being set up still?¡± Maya asked once she was finally next to Ben.


    ¡°Oh, it turns out the time they gave us was when the setup started, not when the actual fair started. We still have around half an hour before we need to be finished.¡± Ben explained as he meticulously looked over their piece.


    Maya nodded and joined him. She worried at how nonchalant he seemed. His speech flowed well, his posture was perfect, no hints of blushing on his face. It scared her.


    Was I never that important to him? Why are we even here? It should be so awkward for us to even be talking, let alone working together.


    Her thoughts began to fade as she stared at the finished work they were displaying. The past few weeks were spent designing it, making it, polishing it. Not to mention lugging it around from her place to Ben¡¯s. This was the first time she felt she could actually get a good look at it. The first time she could see it for what it was, and not as just an assignment.


    A large, albeit fake, rock platform. Meant to be a cave, though she wondered if anyone would see it that way with only the bottom. In the cave were a man and a woman staring at each other. Between them, a large pane of glass that spanned the entire width of the floor. The two figures looked distressed as they gazed at the other. The woman clenching the hair on her head,  the man clenching his chest. But the part Maya was the most proud of was, if viewed from either side, it looked very different. From the woman¡¯s side, the glass became a mirror for only her face. So to her, it looked like her face on the man¡¯s body. The same was true on the other side, with the man seeing his face on her body.


    She knew not everyone would care. It looked relatively simple at first glance. A big slab, two figures, and glass? Some people might deduce it was put together in a single afternoon with zero planning or vision. But most of their time was spent detailing the figures. Ben insisted on it himself. He made each one look as stressed and miserable as he felt. At least, that was how he phrased it. Meanwhile, Maya had been focused on making the glass act as a mirror in only specific places.


    ¡°I told you your idea was good,¡± Ben said.


    Maya blushed. It was true that the original concept had been hers, but without Ben it wouldn¡¯t have seen the life it had in it. He was what she needed to refine it and make it as piercing as it was.


    ¡°Thanks¡­¡± She muttered. It was unclear to her how she should be talking with him. Going back to their old flirty banter would be bad, right? It would send a mixed message after she had just broken up with him. Yet, she wasn¡¯t sure she knew another way to communicate with him. Talking to him like any other stranger felt wrong. Unnatural, even.


    ¡°Wanna get food or drinks before this thing starts? Not sure how busy it will get, and the food stands all opened early.¡± Ben didn¡¯t wait for her response before grabbing his jacket and walking away.


    Her concerns slowly faded and were replaced with relief. He was genuinely asking out of convenience, not trying to make some sort of date happen. Satisfied with how things were going so far, she decided to follow him toward the nearby food stalls.


    Ben stood perfectly in the middle of the small section of the field, surrounded by different tents and booths offering food. Maya caught up and stood at his side, taking in all of her options. Nearly everything was some type of fried meat or dough. Nothing green was in sight, unless it was a snow cone or slushy dyed to look that way. Can¡¯t hurt to have a little, right? Though when faced with the reality of it all, her stomach started to tighten with fear.


    A year ago she would have had no problem eating anything in the whole fair. Fried cheese on a stick, sweet dough covered in chocolate covered in sugar, a hot dog with condiments heaped on top. As she wandered by each stall, she yearned to return to her old self who could indulge like that. Thankfully, the stereotype of college towns and health kicks came true. After walking past six booths, she found a small student-ran food stand. She figured all the big ones with fried options were some outside vendors brought in to help with demand. But at last she was face to face with some health food, vegan, anti-establishment club¡¯s stand. She had no clue what it was about honestly, not that she really cared.


    The person running the stall looked excited to have a customer. He was a tall, lanky guy brandishing a baseball cap with his club¡¯s logo on it. Something to do with socialism, not that she was paying attention.


    ¡°Having fun so far?¡± He asked.


    Maya slowly nodded as she skimmed the menu.


    ¡°Everything here uses natural ingredients,¡± he said and pointed to a sign behind him that promised the same thing. ¡°And if you want vegan options just pick anything with a green dot next to it!¡±


    ¡°I¡¯m kinda just looking for anything low in calories,¡± Maya said. ¡°Sorry.¡±


    ¡°Ah,¡± he replied. ¡°Fair enough.¡± He looked a little defeated that he couldn¡¯t geek out over his stand.


    She felt that she made a mistake or was rude and blurted out the first item she saw.


    ¡°One banana smoothie, please!¡±


    The man gave a weak thumbs up and stepped away from the counter while Maya rummaged through her purse for the right amount of money. It was a little more expensive than she might have hoped for. The cost of supporting a school club, she supposed. After claiming her smoothie, she met back up with Ben in front of a stand selling corn dogs. It seemed he had a longer wait, as he just started smothering it in ketchup when she approached him.


    "That''s all you wanted?" Maya asked, then took a long sip of her smoothie.


    "Nope." Ben picked up a soda cup next to him. "I got this too."


    ¡°Oh nice,¡± Maya exaggerated. ¡°You got some corn syrup to help you wash down your mystery meat!¡±


    Maya couldn''t tell what was in the cup, just that it wasn''t likely to be water. Still, she had no business judging him for his diet when she had just started her own recently. Especially when it clearly made him happy to eat food like that.


    ¡°At least it will taste better than, what is that, a kale smoothie?¡± Ben pointed at her cup with a look of disgust.


    She couldn¡¯t deny that her drink tasted greener than she was expecting. It was still good, though!


    ¡°Healthy food can taste good too!¡± She said. ¡°If you didn¡¯t saturate your tongue in sugar every day you might be able to realize that.¡±


    ¡°Aw, are you saying I have a sweet tongue?¡± Ben replied with a large grin.


    Maya froze. She let herself get flirty without even realizing.


    This dynamic is dangerous. Even talking shit to each other feels like we¡¯re growing closer.


    ¡°So are you ready to be done with this?¡± Ben asked her. ¡°I mean this has been a lot of work for what was supposed to be a social club. I¡¯ll be happy when it¡¯s not in the back of my mind.¡±


    ¡°Ah, yeah. It will be nice to stop worrying about it,¡± Maya said.


    She tried to hide how nervous she really was. In truth, she had been dreading this part of the project. Her and Ben would have to stand near it and answer any questions that people had about their piece for a whole hour before being allowed to go off and see the rest of the fair. Luckily she had scoped out her co-workers ahead of time and none of them seemed to be interested in the fair. Besides Karen, who she had already talked out of it. The only real worry would be classmates seeing her. That was always a possibility that she couldn¡¯t avoid. Her only hope was how early in the fair¡¯s life the presentation would be, that most people wouldn¡¯t be around for it. And nobody would ever bother looking at the nameplate near their project, so that wasn¡¯t a huge issue.


    It¡¯s not as if she were completely in denial. She knew that by the end of the day, some people would know without a doubt she was trans. That fact wasn¡¯t her favorite, but she had come to terms with it a while ago. She thought it would be fine as long as Ben was by her side. But he wasn¡¯t anymore. And it was her fault.


    Her stupid issues in her insane head about her stupid body had ruined everything. How was she going to deal with the presentation now? Why couldn¡¯t she be normal and not destroy everything that helped her, everything that made her happy?


    ¡°Are you alright?¡± Ben¡¯s question startled her.


    He looked at her with genuine concern on his face. Maya looked down at her trembling hands clutching her smoothie. Her vision was getting slightly blurry, with a few tears building up.


    Great. I couldn¡¯t keep it in well enough and now he¡¯s going to get involved again.


    ¡°Yeah! Yeah, I¡¯m just¡­ allergies. The wind is pretty cold today.¡± Maya struggled to find a good excuse.


    ¡°Seriously, what¡¯s wrong? If you don¡¯t want to present then you don¡¯t have to.¡± Ben set his drink down and stepped closer. He placed a hand on her shoulder.


    Why is he touching me? Why is he making me feel better? He should hate me at this point.


    Maya thought of anything she could say to get him uninterested but came up empty. ¡°What if people I know see me.¡± She eventually said. ¡°What if everyone starts to hate me because they learn the truth about me? I¡¯ll become a gross freak in their eyes. What will I do?¡±


    Ben pondered for a moment while Maya sniffled and did everything to keep her tears in. ¡°If you see anyone you know approaching then you can step back and I¡¯ll take over for a bit until they leave, okay?¡± He looked her in the eyes as he spoke. She found it impossible to look away. ¡°And no matter what, nobody will hate you, okay? It¡¯s just not possible.¡± He smiled took a sip from his drink, leaving Maya more confused than before.


    She nodded and hurried away.


    Great. He thinks we¡¯re just in a rough patch and will get back together. He doesn¡¯t think I¡¯m as screwed up as I really am. He thinks he can fix me.


    Maya walked to a small gap between booths and let her tears come out quietly.


    I wish he stopped making me believe him.


    The song playing over the fair¡¯s cheap speakers while Maya sobbed that day was the same one she was listening to right then at work. Just a dumb, high energy song about love that she immediately removed from her playlist.


    Her effort was too late, her mind already latching onto Ben and everything that happened at the fair afterward.


    Maybe I should reach out to him. I¡¯d like to have a friend like him in my life again, maybe enough time has passed.


    Maya stared at her phone, her finger hovering over Ben¡¯s name in her contacts list. It would be so easy. But would he want to hear from her after such a long silence? His name sat on her screen, less than an inch away from being pressed, yet it was proving to be an impossible task.


    ¡°Excuse me? Miss?¡±


    Maya gasped and turned toward the voice that appeared behind her. It was a customer. Some random student in his pajamas who was likely there for a midnight snack, either for studying or to go with his high.


    ¡°Sorry, I didn¡¯t mean to scare you. But do you guys have bigger bags of these pretzels?¡± He held up a tiny little pouch of an off-brand snack.


    ¡°Oh, yeah they¡¯re over on the shelves by the registers.¡± Maya said, having regained her composure.


    ¡°Right, thanks,¡± and he stalked away.


    Maya looked back at her phone, which had now fallen asleep. She resumed her music and got back to stocking the shelves. Ben would be better off without her bothering him anyway.

 The Catalyst

    The bus sped past right as Maya left the building. The lit interior showed a few exhausted-looking students pressed up against the windows before being whisked away by what was supposed to be her ride home. She groaned and slumped her shoulders in defeat.


    That late at night, the buses only showed up once an hour, meaning she would have to either walk home, get a ride from a friend, or wait by a streetlight in the middle of the night for much longer than she would ever want to.


    ¡°Looks like I¡¯m walking,¡± she grumbled to herself.


    After spending the whole shift thinking about Ben, she wasn¡¯t excited to be alone with her thoughts for the long trek back to her apartment. The wind whipped past her ears, making her pull her jacket tight and wish for earmuffs.


    I guess this is what I deserve. I left myself with no friends and now I¡¯m out in the cold.


    She stared at the bus stop for a moment before reluctantly plodding through the snow. There wasn¡¯t a lot of snow left on the ground, thankfully. But of course that meant instead of a pretty, sparkling white view all the way home, it would be endless marching through gray slush. The trade off for not having to worry about getting snow in her boots, she supposed.


    A few steps in, her music stopped. She had been listening to it all shift and had hoped to continue on her way home. But glancing down at her phone, she saw the battery had died.


    Even better. Now I have no way to call anyone if something happens.


    She wished that she hadn¡¯t dragged her feet about getting pepper spray for her purse. Thankfully, she figured her well-lit college town was more dangerous at a frat party than on the sidewalks. Nevertheless, she stayed centered on the path and continued home. It would be safer without music anyway, now that nobody could sneak up on her easily. On the other hand, now her thoughts had nothing to focus on other than herself and her problems.


    Desperately, she forced herself to look at the scenery, hoping she would find an appreciation for how different everything was at night. The trees looked sinister without leaves, and the wind blowing through them reminded Maya of skeletons, though she wasn¡¯t sure why. The school buildings were dark, unfamiliar silhouettes now. Without any lights on inside they also made her uneasy, as if the entire campus was abandoned and she was a spirit just wandering through. The river to her side was no comfort either. For the past couple months, whenever she would visit it during the day, her duck friend wasn¡¯t there. As much as she was sure it just flew south for the winter, she couldn¡¯t help but worry.


    The last time she saw the duck was on the day of the fair. It was after everything had happened and she went there to be alone. Watching it gently swim around and dip its head in the water had calmed her down faster than any other method. She accepted that her train of thought would lead her back to Ben again. Getting caught in a memory would at least keep her from being scared the whole walk home.


    Maya had just collected herself after crying between some booths. The fair was just about to start for real. All of the work they had done would finally have a payoff. She brushed off what had just happened between her and Ben, instead focusing all her energy into their presentation. Maya knew it wasn¡¯t going to blow anyone¡¯s mind, in fact maybe nobody would care. But it was okay. As long as one person would understand what her world looks like a little better. If that happened, then all the stress and effort would have been worth it.


    With one last glance in her phone¡¯s reflection, she was confident that her tears hadn¡¯t ruined her makeup and set off back to their stand. Her smoothie was nearly gone, so she hastily downed the rest and tossed the cup into a nearby trash can. Forcing a smile on her face, she marched up next to Ben.


    ¡°Alright, how much time until we¡¯re expected to have people show up?¡± She asked.


    Ben seemed startled by her question. Perhaps because she had been timid all day and was now taking some real initiative.


    ¡°Oh, it should start any minute now. All the other ¡®letters¡¯ are here and ready so I don¡¯t think we should leave again,¡± he said.


    Maya nodded and looked around. Sure enough, all the other groups'' projects were on display. She noticed that the others had way more people surrounding them, reminding her that their group was the smallest by far in the club. In fact, there were enough people that she couldn¡¯t really make out the L or G groups project other than the latter was a large painting sitting on an easel. The B group to their right was easier to see from her position. They had also done a sculpture, with a well-detailed model of Earth as the focus. She made a note to go over later and get a closer look. On their left, the Q group had a board set up with lots of small poems displayed on it. They also seemed to be playing some music they had written themselves.


    Silently, she worried if her and Ben¡¯s piece was too simple. It wasn¡¯t as big or flashy or even creative as the others. What if nobody took theirs seriously? Though she knew that with only two people, nobody would have expected them to match the larger groups. Still, the fear lingered.


    ¡°It¡¯s nice that we got to stick with something simple. It will keep people moving through so we have to do less talking,¡± Ben said. Somehow he must have sensed Maya¡¯s panic building. ¡°And the only questions we have to answer are about the piece. The main club stand handles anyone asking about joining the club.¡±


    Even though she knew he was trying to calm her down, it worked. And that annoyed her.


    Can¡¯t he just be rude to me so I can hate him in peace? He¡¯s giving both of us false hope.


    Maya¡¯s stomach dropped as she watched the main booth start pointing people toward the art pieces. Their little stand had a big T printed on the front, so everyone who looked over would instantly know she and Ben were trans, if they couldn¡¯t tell already.


    As people made their way over, she was thankful that most seemed to head toward the other letters. It was after ten or so people that anyone even got close to their booth. Finally, it was time.


    Their first viewers were a seemingly normal college student straight couple. The girl was dressed a little more modest than a lot of her classmates, while the guy had a gray cap on his head and a wrinkly t-shirt and pair of jeans on.


    ¡°Hey!¡± Ben made first contact.


    The guy waved and looked off into the distance, clearly uninterested.


    ¡°Hi!¡± It was the girl who responded. ¡°This is the ¡®transgender¡¯ part of the club, right? Is it just you two?¡±


    ¡°Afraid so, yes. Not as many people as the other sections but we¡¯re still happy to be here,¡± Ben said.


    ¡°So that means you two are like¡­ ¡° She scanned the two up and down, then a smile crept across her face. ¡°Ah, got it.¡±


    Maya hated that. It happened every time she managed to come out to anyone. Once they knew she was trans, it was as if she would always look like a man in their eyes, no matter what.


    ¡°We¡¯re trans, yeah. And we¡¯re happy to answer any questions about our sculpture if you¡¯d like.¡± Ben said. She knew he must have been equally annoyed as her, yet he somehow maintained his composure.


    ¡°Oh, sure! I mean this is really cute, definitely! But truth be told, my little brother just came out as trans so I was hoping I could ask about that? Oh I guess little sister now, huh?¡± The woman laughed and nudged her boyfriend, who gave a half-hearted smile in response and returned to texting on his phone.


    Ben took a deep breath before he spoke again. They obviously weren¡¯t obligated to talk about anything like that with people, but making a scene could be more damaging in the long run.


    ¡°That must be a big change for everyone. What kind of questions did you have in mind?¡± Ben stepped forward a bit, placing Maya behind him.


    She wondered if it was to stop her from being asked anything, since the woman¡¯s sibling was clearly going to be transitioning the same way as Maya.


    ¡°Well just like, is it hard? Or expensive? Would you say it¡¯s even worth it?¡± She asked.


    ¡°It¡¯s definitely a hard path to be on, and it can definitely get expensive without insurance,¡± Ben started. ¡°But I¡¯d also say that it¡¯s completely worth it. I know for me at least, living a regular happy life wouldn¡¯t be possible otherwise.¡±


    Maya was blown away by how much charisma he had. How could he just talk to a total stranger about something so personal? And to someone who was as dense as this woman, well intentioned as she may be.


    The woman thanked Ben before leaving with her disinterested boyfriend. Maya sighed, thankful they survived their first encounter. She didn¡¯t even interact with them and still felt exhausted.


    ¡°You did a great job with them,¡± Maya said.


    Ben gave a weak smile. ¡°Thanks, but they didn¡¯t even care about our project. We didn¡¯t work on it as hard as we did for people to just ask us questions like that.¡±


    She supposed that was true. Another set of people approached them before she could come up with a reply. This time it was a younger looking boy with an older woman, who Maya presumed to be his mother.


    Could this guy be trans? He does look a little baby faced¡­ And why else would he come to something like this?


    He looked excited as he approached, while the woman following him looked worn out.


    ¡°Woah, a sculpture! This looks so cool.¡± The kid, who Maya was now unsure if he was a student at their college or a local high schooler there for fun, pulled out his phone and started snapping pictures of their piece from all different angles.


    ¡°If you have any questions about it, um, feel free to ask us.¡± Maya said. It helped that he seemed so innocent and excited. She didn¡¯t want Ben to be the only one that ever spoke.


    ¡°Sorry about him,¡± the woman said. ¡°He has this art-blog-thing that he does. He gets super into it. He wants to go to this school once he graduates.¡±


    So he¡¯s just a high schooler. Was assuming he was trans rude? I guess so.


    ¡°That sounds really cool!¡± Ben said. ¡°What¡¯s it called? I¡¯d like to check it out later, if you don¡¯t mind.¡±


    Unauthorized duplication: this tale has been taken without consent. Report sightings.


    The boy''s ears perked up. ¡°Sure! I actually have a card here.¡± He reached into his backpack and handed Ben a small white business card. ¡°I love fairs like these where I can speak directly to the artists themselves, so this club is like a goldmine.¡±


    Wow, this kid is serious.


    His mom shook her head with a smile. She must be used to this.


    ¡°Hey, do you mind if I get a picture with you two standing next to this?¡± He asked. ¡°I like to show the artist in my posts when I can. I¡¯m assuming you made this, yeah?¡±


    ¡°Yup!¡± Ben slid the card into his pocket. ¡°We¡¯d be happy to pose for a photo.¡±


    Maya nodded along and walked over to stand to the side of their piece next to Ben.


    This is a bad idea, right? My picture is going to be associated with this now. If he puts my name on his site, it will be one of the first things anyone sees if they Google my name. I should just walk away, I don¡¯t need this.


    Click. The boy¡¯s phone made a shutter sound.


    Oh well. No backing out now. I guess I knew what I was getting into.


    ¡°I¡¯ll keep an eye out for when you post about this!¡± Ben said as the two walked headed toward the next stand. He then turned to Maya. ¡°Well, that was definitely interesting.¡±


    ¡°Do you think he¡¯ll actually write a post for this?¡± Maya replied quickly, not wanting to reveal how nervous she was about her photo being taken.


    ¡°He seemed into it, yeah.¡± Ben replied. ¡°And it looks like he¡¯s visiting all of the club''s projects so he might post all of them together if I had to guess. Will be cool to read about when he¡¯s done!¡±


    ¡°Yeah¡­¡± Maya trailed off as she noticed more people approaching.


    The next half hour passed by without incident. Some people came up, looked at their piece, and walked away. A few would chat with Ben and a couple even applauded it and swore it was their favorite, though Maya assumed it was more out of politeness than sincerity.


    Just as things were slowing down, when Maya was allowing herself to feel safe, a familiar voice caught her attention.


    ¡°Yeah, over there. It was those two.¡± Her heart dropped.


    Maya turned in time to see Jamie walking toward her, with two others following behind them. The last time she saw them was weeks prior at the club meeting where things turned sour. She nudged Ben who was looking up at the clouds, completely oblivious. It wasn¡¯t clear what they wanted, just that they looked upset. She wanted Ben to be alert.


    ¡°Hey, what do you need?¡± Ben said as they got closer, completely deadpan. The energetic personality she saw him use with the others was replaced with a much sterner one.


    ¡°I just wanted to make it known that you two kicked me out of this project for not being the ¡®right type¡¯ of trans.¡± Jamie said.


    ¡°We didn¡¯t kick you out,¡± Ben said. ¡°I just thought that your idea sucked.¡±


    Maya flinched. She knew that was sure to make this argument heat up.


    ¡°You refused to listen to any of my suggestions and then you kept working on it without telling me or Sky.¡± Jamie looked to be getting angrier. ¡°Just admit it, you hate non-binary people.¡±


    Ben started to raise his voice. ¡°I don¡¯t hate you, I hate being lumped in with you.¡±


    The two new people behind Jamie looked appalled at what they just heard. Maya guessed they were there as Jamie¡¯s backup.


    ¡°Like it or not, we¡¯re all trans,¡± one of them said. ¡°Just because you don¡¯t understand us doesn¡¯t mean you can leave us out to dry.¡±


    A few people from the stands nearby looked over while a small crowd was beginning to form.


    ¡°Please, can we calm down a bit?¡± Maya begged.


    ¡°I¡¯m just trying to defend myself!¡± Ben yelled.


    ¡°Who are you to talk, anyway?¡± Jamie approached Maya as she spoke. ¡°You think you¡¯re innocent when you stand behind him and silently back him up? Not one bit.¡±


    ¡°Oh leave her out of it,¡± Ben snapped. ¡°If you want to feel righteous then at least aim it at me. You never reached out to us about the project, so after storming off we assumed you had both quit.¡±


    Maya retreated as Jamie¡¯s focus returned to Ben. The crowd had gotten a bit bigger, and Maya began to recognize some faces in it. The boy who had taken a photo of her, Kyle and Sam from the club. For a second she thought she spotted a co-worker¡¯s face but it vanished. Meanwhile, the arguing grew louder.


    ¡°Your life won¡¯t get easier by tossing us aside, you know.¡± Jamie said. ¡°If you want to make things better for yourself, we aren¡¯t the group you should be focusing on.¡±


    ¡°I don¡¯t care what you do.¡± Ben said, his voice steadier. ¡°I want people to know we are not the same. That you want to destroy gender, and I¡¯m fine with the one I transitioned to. I want trans efforts to go towards providing hormones and surgeries. I want others like me or Maya to get support for transitioning when we feel alone and are traumatized by our own bodies. I don¡¯t want to fight some war on gender norms.¡±


    Everything was silent while Jamie seemed to process everything Ben had just said. Frustration and anger boiled up inside her.


    Why is he arguing? Can¡¯t he just let it go?


    After a few seconds, Jamie spoke again. ¡°If you think it will work out that way, and that the second we¡¯re out of the picture that people won¡¯t turn on you next, then you¡¯re stupider than I thought.¡±


    All eyes were focused on them. No, on her. Everyone in the crowd was seeing right through her. They could tell she was trans, that she was sick, that she was broken. She had to leave.


    Maya noticed Ben glance over at her. Some of the anger left his face, now replaced with worry.


    ¡°Whatever,¡± Ben said. ¡°Just stop making a scene. Your idea was dumb, that¡¯s why we didn¡¯t pick it. Nobody here hates you, okay?¡±


    ¡°Hah!¡± Jamie laughed. ¡°As if your mirror idea is anything special. What are you, some angsty middle-schooler? Get over yourselves.¡±


    Maya wasn¡¯t sure the exact order of events after that. She just ran. Ran away from the argument, ran away from the crowd that was gawking at her, ran away from Ben who yelled for her to come back.


    It was the last time she saw Ben. After the fair she transferred to an earlier ceramics class and never went back to the LGBT club. She feared that she would seek too much comfort from him if she did see him. Then everything would just repeat. She would just be reminded that she hates herself and her body. She would push him away again. Everything would stay messy.


    What she wanted more than anything, more than comfort or peace, was a chance to grow. That was the only way she could see a happy ending for herself. Yet, she could never find a catalyst. A way to trigger her great shift to being a complete person. Was she just too young? She knew plenty of unhappy people who were much older than her, so waiting didn¡¯t seem to be very effective. Why was it so hard to improve?


    It hadn¡¯t been ten minutes of walking home, and Maya was already feeling nauseous from being alone with her thoughts. Each step was heavier than the last. Eventually she was just shuffling toward her apartment and hoping no other thoughts would creep in.


    One or two cars had passed by during that time. Whenever she heard an engine get closer she felt the need to speed up a bit, but they just flew past her, barraging her with with a cold gust of wind.


    The next car was different. She heard the rumbling get louder from behind her, then saw the headlights shine on the street next to her. This car seemed to slow down after she was in the lights. Fear set in. Hopefully they were just being careful not to drive recklessly near a person, maybe an overly cautious drunk student who doesn¡¯t want to risk anything.


    But, as the car got next to her, it nearly stopped. Maya was about to start running when the driver called out to her.


    ¡°Maya? Is that you?¡±


    She stopped and looked toward the car. It was Ethan. Sure enough he was staring at her, just as confused as she was. Normally she would have felt fine with this, except she had hardly spoken to Ethan in months. Only twice since she had turned down his confession. And last she heard, he didn¡¯t have a car on campus.


    Of course. Why wouldn¡¯t he show up now? What if he¡¯s upset with me? He¡¯s not the kinda guy to do anything crazy, but still¡­


    For a moment she considered ignoring him and continuing down the street. Instead, she decided losing another friend would do her no favors.


    ¡°Oh, Ethan! Hey, what¡¯s up?¡± She said.


    ¡°Just grabbing some food, why are you out here so late? Let me give you a ride back to your place.¡±


    He did look worried, and Maya knew him well enough to feel safe getting in his car. Still, something held her in place. It wasn¡¯t fear for her safety or well-being. It was a feeling of shame. As if she would be betraying someone by getting in with him. What would Ben think if he found out? And more importantly, why was that her main concern? Her fingers and ears were numb from the cold, her legs were tired after a long shift. Why should she bother caring what other people think?


    She forced a smile and walked around to the passenger¡¯s seat. No other cars were around. No people, just the two of them.


    ¡°Thanks, I was freezing to death,¡± she said. As she buckled in, the car started moving again.


    ¡°I can¡¯t believe you were just going to walk home. Are the buses not running late anymore?¡± Ethan asked while staring ahead.


    ¡°Well, I missed one and would have waited for an hour, so I just figured¡­¡± Maya trailed off as she stared out the window.


    ¡°Ah, gotcha. Well still, that can¡¯t be safe. Why didn¡¯t you call up Ben to walk with you at least?¡± Ethan asked.


    Maya nearly gagged. How could she possibly tell Ethan, who she rejected, that the guy she chose over him was already out of the picture? He was bound to be upset, right?


    No, she didn¡¯t choose Ben over Ethan. She simply rejected Ethan for her own reasons. But is that how he would see it?


    ¡°I¡¯m not really talking to Ben anymore.¡±


    ¡°Oh?¡± He seemed surprised. ¡°That¡¯s a shame, you guys seemed to have a lot of fun together. When we worked on that project for your club it was like I¡¯d never seen you smile so much.¡±


    Maya refused to acknowledge what he said. She made her decision and knew she couldn¡¯t change it now. Reminiscing on old times would do nothing for her.


    ¡°Happens,¡± was all she could think to respond with.


    ¡°You know,¡± Ethan said with a slight tremor in his voice, ¡°we should hang out again. I know I made things awkward, but¡­¡±


    ¡°Yes! Definitely, let¡¯s get pizza again like we used to!¡± Maya said, not even trying to hide her excitement. ¡°Or play games, or whatever!¡±


    She didn¡¯t care how awkward it might be, she needed a distraction or it was obvious she would go crawling back to Ben. She would have reached out to him earlier that night if her phone hadn¡¯t died.


    Ethan¡¯s face lit up. ¡°Yeah? Okay! How¡¯s pizza tomorrow sound?¡±


    ¡°Perfect. I¡¯ve been craving it all week.¡± Maya smiled. The decision felt right, though she couldn¡¯t explain why. Did she make the wrong call way back when he asked her out? Did she have it all wrong?


    The car came to a halt as they reached Maya¡¯s apartment complex.


    ¡°So I can pick you up right here around six tomorrow, is that alright?¡±


    ¡°Yeah, that would be great.¡± Maya smiled at him as she exited the car and headed inside.


    As she walked upstairs, the reality of everything began to sink in. Did she just agree to a date? They had gone for pizza tons of times before, why did this feel different? And why did she feel happy?


    It¡¯s not a date. We¡¯re just friends catching up, getting pizza again like we used to. I¡¯m sure he won¡¯t get the wrong idea, he knows how I feel.


    Perhaps months of isolating herself from her two closest friends just made her desperate for anything. Surely her feelings for Ethan haven¡¯t truly changed after such a short time. She still just saw him as a good friend.


    After getting into her apartment she hurried to her bed and collapsed onto it. Though for this first time in a while, it was simply out of exhaustion and not despair.


    No. If Ethan really does like me then I should give him a chance. Look at how happy just a short interaction made me. And after being friends for so long, there¡¯s clearly some chemistry between us, right?


    She pulled out her phone, considering sending a text to him before remembering it was out of battery. Relieved that she didn¡¯t have to make the decision now, she headed to the bathroom to wash up instead.


    I¡¯ll give this a shot. I can make this work. Ethan could be the catalyst. He has to be.

 Thank You

    Maya paced around her tiny bedroom, frequently having to dodge dirty piles of laundry and empty boxes. Her phone, now at full charge, was clutched in her hand. The decision to text Ethan or not weighed heavily on her from the moment she woke up. She could ask directly if this was going to be a date, but that would be too forward. Just starting a normal conversation wouldn¡¯t be too crazy, though it might not lead to anything. And of course, she was still debating with herself if she even wanted this to be a date.


    Oh! I¡¯ve got it.


    She tapped her phone awake and rushed out a text to Ethan, thanking him again for giving her a ride home the night before and mentioning their plan to meet again today. After hitting send, she patted herself on the back for being so clever. All she had to do was await his response and she would know if Ethan saw it as a date or not.


    In the meantime, she figured it best to finally eat breakfast and pick out an outfit.


    Two hours passed before Ethan replied. The first hour Maya had enough distractions to not worry. It was that second hour really took its toll on her. Was he put off by her sudden change in attitude? And why was he taking so long to respond? Had she hallucinated the entire car ride?


    She hadn¡¯t been that anxious in months, and truth be told, she started to appreciate the feeling of anxiety compared to the numbness she had been enduring. Being a nervous wreck was preferable to being a zombie.


    When the text finally arrived, it simply said ¡°np¡±


    No problem¡­ Are you kidding me?? There¡¯s no way he sees this as a date. This reads like he hates me.


    The temptation to send another text was strong. Still, if she had to wait another two hours for a zero energy response like that she would likely explode, so waiting to talk to him in person was her only real option.


    After three more hours of pacing and worrying, another text from Ethan arrived. He was on his way to pick her up. It was only half past five, meaning he would get there earlier than six. Luckily, she had already been in her outfit for twenty minutes in anticipation.


    What kind of warning is that, Ben? Er, Ethan. Oh god, I can¡¯t slip up like that on our date. Or whatever this is.


    She waited by the door to her apartment complex until she saw Ethan pull up. She  jogged to his car to avoid the light dusting of snow that had been falling all day.


    ¡°Hey! Hope I¡¯m not too early,¡± Ethan said as Maya knocked the snow off her boots and got in.


    ¡°Oh, don¡¯t worry about that. I was getting hungry anyway.¡± She looked him over and noticed he was avoiding eye contact with her. At last she had her answer: this was a date. He had confessed feelings to her, they were going out to eat together, of course he wouldn¡¯t see it as just a friendly hang out at this point.


    Maya wanted to feel relieved at finally having her answer, but instead an overwhelming guilt washed over her.


    No. Ben is out of the picture, I don¡¯t owe him anything. I¡¯m moving forward.


    ¡°Is everything okay?¡± Ethan asked.


    ¡°Yeah! Just¡­ hungry! Like I said. Also it¡¯s a little cold. And you know, with classes starting up again.¡± Maya stumbled over which excuse to use.


    ¡°Right, good.¡± The car accelerated forward as Maya fastened her seat belt. ¡°Really glad we¡¯re hanging out again, ya know,¡± Ethan said. ¡°It¡¯s crazy how long we went without talking. Probably the longest time since we¡¯ve been friends.¡±


    Maya was cautious. It wasn¡¯t clear to her if he just wanted some small talk or if he wanted to lead into a deeper conversation. To stay neutral, she simply hummed in agreement.


    ¡°And you know,¡± Ethan continued, ¡°if you want, we could do this more often. Make it a regular thing. Now that I have a car it will be a lot easier to make plans. And I could introduce you to a couple of my new friends sometime. I met them through the student paper club, I think you¡¯d mesh really well with the group.¡±


    Maya just watched as Ethan rambled to himself. She did miss the comfort of being with someone she knew so well. But at the same time, it didn¡¯t feel anything like it did with Ben. When he would talk Maya always listened closely and tried to connect with what he was saying. It was like each word he said was something she treasured, whether it was serious or not. There was no other option than to smile when listening to him.


    And with Ethan¡­ She kept her ears perked up for what interested her but couldn¡¯t get fully invested in what he was saying, even in a car with just the two of them.


    As she felt sorry for herself, some of Ethan¡¯s words clicked in her brain.


    ¡°Wait, that¡¯s right!¡± She sprang to life. ¡°When did you get a car? I meant to ask last night.¡±


    He took a hand off the wheel to adjust his glasses. ¡°Well, this is a little embarrassing, but my dad kinda bought it for me. I mean I was saving up and I didn¡¯t ask him to or anything. So I guess it was sort of a Christmas present?¡± His cheeks got a little rosier than usual as he spoke.


    Maya knew Ethan¡¯s family was better off than hers. It wasn¡¯t as if they were crazy rich, or she presumed he would have gotten a car much earlier. Still, it did get under her skin from time to time. She knew Ethan would never gloat about it, or view himself as above anyone, but she couldn¡¯t help but envy it all. While he got to spend his free time however he wished, she had no choice but to get a minimum wage job just to afford food and books. If she hadn¡¯t gotten as many scholarships as she did, it was unlikely she would have even gone to this university. Away from Ethan, Karen, Ben¡­


    ¡°Why are you embarrassed?¡± Maya asked. ¡°It¡¯s not like this is a super fancy car or anything. Seems like normal support someone would expect to get from their parents.¡±


    She cringed at her own attempt to smooth things over. Did she sound bitter? For years they hadn¡¯t argued about money and Maya never showed any jealousy. After an incident in high school where Ethan tried to pay for all of her meals when they went out, she snapped at him and the law was set. He was to never give her handouts.


    Though if it was a date¡­ Maybe it was okay? After all, when Ben paid for her meal it didn¡¯t upset her at all. If anything it made her happy.


    ¡°Ah, yeah, I suppose so,¡± he said. ¡°Sorry for bringing it up. But either way, I can give you as many rides as you¡¯d like now, at least!¡±


    Maya chuckled. Part of her knew Ethan was serious and would take her wherever she asked. But would that be right? They weren¡¯t dating, even if she did heavily suspect they were currently on a date. She could get to work faster, grocery shop way easier, and avoid any scary late night situations without the need for the bus. Improving her life by using him¡­


    Or, it would be if they weren¡¯t dating. What if they started? She wouldn¡¯t be alone anymore. She wouldn¡¯t feel guilty about everything Ethan offered to do for her. The two could be happy together. He could probably even afford a surrogate if he ever wanted kids. Was there a downside? Why did a few pieces still feel out of place?


    The car turned into a familiar parking lot, and Maya had no choice but to abandon her thoughts.


    ¡°Wow, that really is a lot faster now,¡± Maya said as she unbuckled.


    ¡°And now we can finally eat.¡± Ethan smiled at her before opening his door and stepping out.


    By the time Maya adjusted her coat, she felt a cold blast as her door opened. Ethan was standing there, offering a hand. Her first instinct was to make a joke. Some sort of callback to when Ben was acting extra chivalrous on their date. Obviously though, she had to refrain.


    ¡°Let me help you out,¡± Ethan said.


    Maya didn¡¯t blush. She felt that she should have, yet didn¡¯t. The seriousness of it all felt so foreign. She accepted his hand and was gently guided out of the car, with Ethan closing the door behind her. It was as if she ended up in some movie. Nothing that she was getting was deserved. She was cheating Ethan out of doing all this with a real girl. She had left Ben for essentially no reason, probably confusing him and definitely destroying their friendship. And worst of all, it finally clicked in her head that she could never be with Ethan.


    They were quickly seated once inside. Though the atmosphere was familiar, Maya saw it all in a new light as her recent epiphany sunk in. Her appetite seemed immune to it, however, as she happily ordered a few slices of her favorite white spinach pizza.


    Diets suck anyway.


    Ethan struck up another conversation, something about his club again and an incident in it. She fully intended on listening with great intent until her mind wandered, which happened immediately.


    Maya, for reasons she could never even hope to figure out, was unable to feel any romantic feelings toward Ethan. She knew she was being selfish. Or that it was at least selfish to play along with him. He was always a positive force over her life, and could give her an even better life if she was with him. He had done everything right, why was she overlooking him? If she ignored how she felt and feigned romance, both of them would be happy, so what was wrong with her? Eventually the whole thing became too confusing for her, and she supposed this was a crisis women had dealt with for a long time. Instead, she would have faith in her gut decision and enjoy some pizza.


    The rest of their so-called date went smoothly. It really was just like old times. Ethan was good at talking, Maya was good at listening. She was thankful her anxiety prevented her from texting him too much earlier, now that she had found some clarity. Ruining another friendship wasn¡¯t something she could afford. Naturally, she knew the moment she got home the loneliness would creep in again. At least for the moment, she was in good company.


    Long after their pizza was gone and many conversations had passed, Ethan made a big show to stretch, sigh, then look at his watch.


    The tale has been stolen; if detected on Amazon, report the violation.


    ¡°We should probably head out, huh?¡± Ethan said.


    ¡°Yeah,¡± Maya agreed, ¡°they probably want us out of here so they can clear the table.¡±


    Ethan just nodded and stood up. The bill had been paid for at least half an hour, with Ethan insisting he cover Maya¡¯s meal along with his own.


    ¡°Shame though,¡± he said, ¡°I was having a really nice time. It¡¯s been so long since we¡¯ve talked, ya know?¡±


    ¡°Me too!¡± Maya said. ¡°But it¡¯s probably for the best. I have to start studying for the new semester. I¡¯ve been putting it off.¡±


    Maya knew Ethan might have suggested going to his place if she didn¡¯t say anything. If she wanted to keep the friendship alive then she couldn¡¯t let that happen. Though it was possible he didn¡¯t have anything like that in mind. Maybe he would have just wanted to play video games like they had in the past. Still, not a risk she would take. No alone-time with Ethan until one or both of them was in a relationship.


    ¡°There¡¯s still time to study later,¡± he said. ¡°You should come over for a while. We could keep chatting.¡±


    He never makes this easy.


    ¡°What do you want to chat about?¡± She asked.


    That wasn¡¯t the right response. It gives him a chance to¨C


    ¡°I want to talk about you. And me, and stuff.¡± He kept getting more energetic as he spoke. As if he was pumping himself up. ¡°I want you to know how much I like you.¡±


    ¡°Ethan¡­¡± Maya could feel how strongly he felt. She felt the same way about Ben not too long ago. And yet, no matter how much she wanted to, she couldn¡¯t feel it back. ¡°I think¡­ I really do need you in my life as a friend. But I¡¯m not sure it can ever go past that.¡±


    He didn¡¯t speak, he just nodded. The pizza place wasn¡¯t the ideal location for a talk like that. Maya would have to apologize for that later, not that anyone seemed to be paying attention to them.


    ¡°Ah, that sucks.¡± Ethan¡¯s enthusiasm has dropped but he still managed to keep smiling. ¡°Well either way, let¡¯s do this again sometime!¡±


    ¡°Alright, but I¡¯ll buy your pizza next time!¡± Maya said as they walked outside.


    Ethan sighed. ¡°Yeah, okay. Deal.¡±


    For ten minutes, Maya sat alone while listening to random names get called out. She had found a nice nook in the corner of the cafe. A table for two that was removed from the others so they had some privacy.


    Early morning hustle was always a cozy vibe to her. The idea of everyone together doing their best despite being sleep deprived and wanting nothing more than to go back to bed. Everyone talking in croaky voices with still-damp hair, the smell of breakfast sandwiches and coffee, frequent lulls of silence that would slowly get more infrequent as the day got warmer. The whole world being miserable together made it manageable.


    She hoped one day she could exist in it without being a nervous wreck. Unfortunately, that was not the day, and she triple checked her phone for any missed texts.


    The day before, Karen had asked to go out for coffee. Maya was feeling alright after her date with Ethan the day before, so it¡¯s not like she was moping during work. Karen probably felt that they hadn¡¯t spent much time together outside of work recently.


    Whatever the case, Maya regretted showing up to the cafe fifteen minutes early. Now she had to wait. Her leg shook involuntarily as she surveyed the room for anyone she recognized. Other than a teaching assistant she had a semester ago, nobody else rang any bells. One of the perks of going out early. Either you don¡¯t recognize anyone or, even if you do, nobody has the energy to strike up a conversation.


    At last, Maya recognized Karen walking past the storefront and coming inside. Not wanting to risk her getting a different table, Maya stood up and waved, sure to catch her attention.


    ¡°Hey!¡± Karen¡¯s face lit up as she saw Maya and headed over to sit with her.


    The two friends took their seats.


    ¡°You haven¡¯t been waiting long, right?¡± Karen asked as she shrugged off her coat.


    ¡°Oh, I just got here, don¡¯t worry.¡± Maya said.


    Is this really a normal meetup? Maya thought. Or did you see me moping at work and want to get the details?


    ¡°Thanks for coming, by the way,¡± Karen said. ¡°I know you have classes starting soon and I¡¯m sure the last thing you want is to get up early and hang out with your old lady co-worker.¡±


    Maya chuckled. ¡°Come on, you¡¯re not that old.¡±


    ¡°You¡¯re supposed to say I¡¯m not old at all!¡± Karen laughed, feigning shock.


    ¡°Besides,¡± Maya said, ¡°it¡¯s good for me to start waking up early. You¡¯re getting me back on track.¡±


    ¡°Well, I¡¯m happy to hear that.¡± Karen smiled and settled into her chair.


    Maya wavered. There was something off about her smile. It was hiding something. An emotion or a crucial detail. She had known Karen for a while and had never once seen that smile on her face.


    ¡°Is there anything you wanted to talk about?¡± Maya asked. ¡°I¡¯m sorry I haven¡¯t been free recently. I really love whenever we get to spend time like this.¡±


    ¡°I do too,¡± Karen said. She paused for a moment, then took a deep breath before speaking again. ¡°Maya, sweetie. There¡¯s something you should know.¡±


    This is it. She knows I¡¯m trans. It was probably obvious from day one and she was just playing around with me this entire time. How do I fall for it every time?


    ¡°I¡¯m moving in three weeks.¡±


    ¡°What?¡± Maya¡¯s mind lurched. She had considered losing Karen as a friend because of her being trans, dozens of times even. But losing her in such a normal way? Not once did she imagine that.


    ¡°My sister in law was able to get me a job at her company,¡± Karen said.


    Her voice reminded Maya of how her mother would always talk to her when she was a child and started getting upset. Was it that clear on her face? Or did Karen just know her that well? Either way, their age gap was never clearer to Maya than in that moment.


    Karen continued, ¡°It¡¯s nothing fancy, just office work for now until I can try for a promotion. Still, it beats a convenience store¡¯s pay by a long shot. Plus benefits!¡± Karen¡¯s voice slipped back to what Maya was used to. ¡°I know, I¡¯m such a sellout. And technically, I think it¡¯s nepotism. College me would be appalled, but hey, gotta move on eventually.¡±


    Maya knew if she didn¡¯t respond quickly and with a steady voice that Karen would overreact. She wanted to show that she was mature enough to handle this, even if it was hurting her on the inside.


    ¡°Wow! That¡¯s¡­ really great!¡± Maya said. She added some artificial excitement to her voice the best she could but ended up sounding strained. ¡°So how far away are you moving?¡±


    ¡°Well, it¡¯s about two hours away.¡± Karen paused. ¡°By plane. But hey! I have family around here too, so I¡¯ll be back super often. I¡¯ll make sure we meet up any time I¡¯m visiting, I promise.¡±


    Maya swallowed. It could be worse, right? Karen could have left with no warning! Or she might never have a reason to see her again! Still, her emotions overtook her. A single sniffle was all it took to shift Karen from nervous excitement to cautious worry.


    ¡°Oh, Maya,¡± Karen began to tear up and hopped out of her seat and to Maya¡¯s side. ¡°I¡¯m sorry, I only found out a week ago and have been getting things in order. I wish I told you sooner.¡±


    Maya stood in response, as Karen immediately wrapped her up in a hug. By then she had given up holding her emotions back and let her tears flow with Karen¡¯s. Despite picking the corner of the shop to sit in, she was certain most of the other patrons were staring at them.


    Oh well, she thought. They can stare, who cares. At least I¡¯m feeling something finally.


    After at least two full minutes of hugging and silently crying, they broke apart and retook their seats. Maya wiped away what she could from her eyes and took a couple deep breaths before she attempted to speak again.


    ¡°Sorry about that,¡± she said, a little shake still in her voice. ¡°I really do think that¡¯s great.¡±


    ¡°Don¡¯t worry,¡± Karen said, also wiping at her eyes. ¡°If you didn¡¯t start it then I was going to. One way or another, there¡¯s no way to have a dry goodbye.¡± She stood up and grabbed her purse. ¡°Here, I¡¯m gonna get us some lattes, okay? Let¡¯s get a caffeine buzz going and then we can continue this.¡±


    ¡°Oh, sure,¡± Maya said. ¡°That sounds good, thanks.¡±


    She walked a couple steps away before turning back. ¡°Any flavor preference?¡±


    ¡°Um, mocha please.¡± Maya said.


    ¡°Be right back!¡± Karen grinned as she left toward the line in front of the counter.


    Maya looked around the other people in the coffee shop. None of them were looking at her anymore, which was a relief. Though, they might have been while she cried just a few minutes ago. She shook her head and moved to a new train of thought.


    Karen, her first close friend she made while being stealth. Someone who judged her based on who she was and didn¡¯t calculate everything through a lens of her being trans. She was also her first female friend, as embarrassing as it felt to admit. And at the end of the day, she had to admit that a part of her saw Karen as a big sister. Getting to know her as they worked together, growing closer and trusting each other more. All of it improved Maya¡¯s life in a way nobody else had. Nobody except Ben maybe¡­


    Still, Karen was leaving and that wouldn¡¯t be stopped. The friendship they had would radically change, or even cease to exist. If anything, she wanted Karen to stay so she could pay her back somehow. A present, an act of kindness, a way to show her that she was trusted and loved. Maybe telling her a secret that she had been meaning to. One of the very things that she liked about having Karen as a friend and ending that part of it, now that it was ending anyway.


    It was no more than a few minutes until Karen was back at the table with two coffees in hand. ¡°Now don¡¯t even think about paying me back, got it?¡± Karen said as she took her seat. ¡°I¡¯m gonna be living it up starting next month anyway, let me treat you!¡±


    Maya rolled her eyes. ¡°Alright but don¡¯t spend too much of what you don¡¯t have yet. And thanks.¡±


    She took the lid off of her latte and blew on it. A stall for time. The next thing she said to Karen had to be important, or she might never get the courage again. And partially because her mouth was extra sensitive to hot drinks.


    ¡°Hey, umm¡­¡± Maya started.


    Immediately Karen¡¯s demeanor changed, no longer focused on her drink and instead lasered onto Maya. Of course, that didn¡¯t help Maya¡¯s nerves in the slightest. She tried to take a deep breath as stealthily as she could, not wanting to reveal herself as a wreck. It wasn¡¯t the first time she had come out to someone. In high school she had to do it, a few times in college like with Ben, but those were all different. They either knew her as a boy before, or she had come out to them right after meeting them. Never had she told someone who knew her in the way Karen did.


    ¡°What¡¯s up?¡± Karen asked, likely getting bored of how long Maya was taking to spit it out.


    ¡°Well, I want to tell you something too.¡± Maya spoke without missing a beat. ¡°I¡¯ve thought about telling you for a while now but I guess I¡¯m running out of chances.¡± One last deep breath. ¡°I¡¯m trans¡­ gender. Like, I wasn¡¯t born female.¡±


    Maya braced herself for anything. Even if she was no stranger to negative reactions when she came out to someone, deep down it was necessary that Karen accept her. Losing a friend due to moving was a million times better than losing one to something like this.


    Karen just smiled. No look of disappointment, or glances at her body to see if she could point out her most masculine features. Just a warm smile.


    Did she already know? Of course she did. I bet anyone who looks at me can tell. Maybe all along I was some charity case for her to feel good about herself.


    ¡°Thank you for feeling safe enough with me to share that,¡± Karen said.


    ¡°Did you already know?¡± Maya asked with no attempt to hide her desperation.


    ¡°A little? Not really,¡± Karen replied. ¡°About a month ago I heard some people from work talking about it. Something like a friend of a friend saw you at some LGBT thing and guessed you were trans from that. I figured it was just a rumor and told them to shut up.


    But then I got to thinking, maybe that was why she didn¡¯t want me going to the fair. And then after worrying about it all shift, I decided it didn¡¯t really matter either way. I know you¡¯re a genuine person, I know your personality, I know how loyal of a friend you are. Any silly details don¡¯t matter. If it was true and you thought I needed to know then you would tell me, and if I didn¡¯t need to know then why should I worry?¡±


    Maya was stunned. If there was a perfect person in the world, she figured Karen was it. She never imagined that kind of well thought out response to her coming out. In fact she wagered if someone else came out to her she might have a worse response than Karen¡¯s.


    ¡°Karen,¡± Maya tried to form a sentence. Thankfully she had just spent all of her tears a few minutes prior, or it would have been impossible to speak at all. With enough determination, she was able to choke out the rest. ¡°Thank you.¡±

 Tiny Snowflakes

    An array of every color ever imagined burned into Ben¡¯s retinas. For the past few hours he and Anthony had been slumped on the couch, binging a new anime that had good reviews. During that time, less than a dozen words had been said by either of them. The ones that were said? Some vague grumbling to pause the show when one had to get up for the bathroom or grab a snack.


    Ben thought the show was okay. The music was catchy and the characters had cute designs. The plot  seemed a little too cliche; power of friendship, good versus evil, all that. And if he was being honest he wasn¡¯t a fan of the voice acting. As much as they looked, they¡¯d had to settle for an English dubbed version.


    These were the problems Ben thought about now. He had classes starting within the week but still needed his books. He hadn¡¯t eaten a meal that wasn¡¯t some combination of bread, meat, and cheese in weeks. And of course, he hadn¡¯t spoken to anyone other than Anthony and some random delivery drivers in over a month. Yet none of that concerned him. He just consumed as much media as he could until it was time to eat or go to sleep, on an endless loop.


    The less his thoughts were tethered to reality, the less the harshness of reality could touch him. As far as plans went, he knew it wasn¡¯t his best. But now he wasn¡¯t kept awake wondering how his life would have gone differently if he had been born male. Too many nights lost to fantasizing about being the high school track star he wanted to be. Of how he might be able to go outside without baggy clothing to hide the body he hated. Or if some of the girls he used to have crushes on might actually have been interested in him. How Maya might not have disappeared from his life¡­


    That¡¯s why he simply didn¡¯t think of those things anymore. As long as he could keep watching episode after episode of whatever he could find, things would be manageable.


    As another episode came to a close and credits rolled, Ben reached for the remote to skip through and start the next one only to find it missing.


    ¡°Mind if we watch something else?¡± Anthony asked, revealing the remote in his hand. ¡°I¡¯m kinda burnt out on this.¡±


    Ben didn¡¯t really have a problem with that. As long as something was on he felt comfortable and safe. ¡°Oh, sure. Sorry, you should have said something sooner.¡±


    Anthony shrugged and fiddled with the remote until they were absorbed in a new, equally mind-numbing show. While happy to have a noisy distraction, Ben couldn¡¯t quite latch on to this one¡¯s premise. It was overly dark for the sake of it, not very witty, and most of the characters seemed to exist for sex appeal.


    And so, when distraction number one failed, he went to his backup. He pulled his phone from his pocket with the intention of opening one of the three apps he used when television couldn¡¯t cut it.


    He didn¡¯t like distractions from his main distractions usually, so he had muted his phone. But looking at it, he had a text message, unread, sent almost an hour before. From Maya.


    The unease began to set in. All of his strategies were failing him. In fact, he didn¡¯t even have a strategy for this. Television could distract his thoughts from wandering too far, but with direct contact being made, it stood no chance.


    A small part of his brain was happy, even. It was the part that used to be in charge until recently. Two months ago hearing from Maya would have made him happier than anything else. Now though? It would take something much stronger to get out of the emotional hole he was in.


    He knew she wouldn''t say what he wanted to hear. At worst it could be a final nail in their friendship, with her saying goodbye for good and never wanting to associate with him again. It was more likely something much less serious, like her asking about a class, or a general check up. Anything was likely to just upset him further. Still, curiosity demanded he check to see.


    Hey, I want to meet up and talk soon. Sorry for everything.


    That wasn¡¯t what he expected. There was no sadness attached to it that would prolong his suffering and send him further into numbness. This was the text he had wanted to see the whole time!


    Yet he didn¡¯t feel good either. Was he really going to just forgive her for disappearing like that? He was at an all time low of self-worth. Still, the remnants of his pride wouldn¡¯t let him be the guy who was on standby for her the entire time. He must deserve better than that, right? Then what if she did it all again? The good will that had existed toward Maya had all but soured. Months of being hopeful and having that hope slowly drain away  had left a vacuum that now told him to not only ignore her text, but tell her off. Really let her know how much she hurt him.


    ¡°You good?¡± Anthony asked. ¡°You look pissed, is the show that bad?¡±


    Ben turned toward him, disoriented. Was he that easy to read? Or was he so upset it was fully on display? Whatever the case, he needed to vent.


    ¡°Remember Maya?¡± He asked his roommate.


    ¡°The girl you dated for like a week and then cried over for a month?¡± Anthony said. ¡°Yeah, what about her?¡±


    Ben was always amazed at Anthony¡¯s ability to put a negative spin on everything he said. Not that there was a lot of positivity in Ben¡¯s mind lately either, but with Anthony it was a constant. It was so consistent that he couldn¡¯t even take it personally anymore.


    ¡°Sure, that¡¯s one way to put it.¡± Ben sighed. Past venting sessions with Anthony never improved his mood, though now he was in uncharted territory with how he felt. Anything was worth a shot. ¡°Well, she wants to meet up again and is apologizing and stuff. I have no clue what she wants to say though.¡±


    Anthony pondered for a moment, fist under his chin as if he was in a play. It was a little unnerving to Ben, who had never seen Anthony this interested in his life before. He doubted his roommate could give quality advice based on how little he seemed to do anything that involved other people. It was like waiting for a building to be demolished; he had to see what would happen.


    ¡°You should just not respond,¡± Anthony finally said. ¡°If she is actually sorry then she¡¯ll ask you again. Then you can know for sure.¡± And with that he leaned back into his couch indentation and was absorbed back into his show.


    Ben knew it was bad advice. It was childish, entitled, anti-social behavior that only someone like Anthony would ever think was good. Still, he wanted to do it. He not only wanted Maya to feel the weight of what she had put him through, but he also needed to protect his pride. If he ran straight to her at the first chance she gave him again, it would show her how important she is to him. It would reveal that Ben was weak and he needed her.


    The sad truth was that he wasn¡¯t sure if that was wrong. She was the first person in his life who made him feel normal about being trans. The first girl he had flirted with who didn¡¯t react negatively upon finding out. The boost in confidence he had around her made it hard to deny how much he needed that. Would he ever get that back if he didn¡¯t run straight to her?


    Why was he waiting around for someone else to give him confidence? He should just make up his mind. It was then that he noticed how hot the room was getting. The show Anthony was watching was pointless, the couch wasn¡¯t very comfortable, he was thirsty, and he needed a fresh set of clothes. Everything suddenly sucked.


    With a grunt, he stood up and hurried to his room, leaving Anthony startled. He grabbed his water bottle from his nightstand and chugged until it was nearly empty, before tossing it onto his bed. His dresser was next. Not wanting to pull from the sad pile of clothes in the corner, he picked out a clean change of clothes that he hadn¡¯t worn in ages and switched into them.


    He looked at himself in the mirror and was startled. Somehow, he had put on his old running clothes without noticing. The items themselves weren¡¯t very special, his gray shirt and worn-out joggers were his staple he used whenever he would go for a jog. Seeing them brought back all his memories of high school track, both the good and the bad.


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    Curious if he still had them, he checked his closet for his old shoes. And sure enough, after moving a few boxes around, he spotted them. After quickly slipping them on, he returned to the mirror to check out his completed look.


    Huh. I don¡¯t remember them fitting this well.


    In high school he always avoided mirrors when he could. Every glimpse into one would remind him of how much he wanted to look different. His clothes always felt misshapen and baggy in some areas, yet restrictive and overly tight in others. And they never looked good on him, at least in his eyes.


    Now, though, he was looking at a completely different image. The same clothes were sitting on his body completely differently. While he never had that large of a chest, now he couldn¡¯t even tell he was wearing a binder under his shirt. And his legs looked a bit more toned and hairy, despite having the least active year of his life. Even his face had a little more peach fuzz on it than what he was used to.


    Did it all happen overnight? Was he in that big of a slump he didn¡¯t notice how well his testosterone had been treating him?


    No, he knew what was happening.


    He was finally having a normal day. Not great, not awful. It wasn¡¯t his first one ever, in fact he used to have them all the time; they used to be commonplace. But it was his first one in months. He had nearly forgotten what they felt like in such a small window of time, how crucial they were to keep from collapsing into despair.


    Not wanting to waste it, he knew he had to act fast. Had to do something that could keep this going. His mirror showing him his new and improved running outfit convinced him to head out the door, ignoring Anthony¡¯s questions.


    For the first time in over a year, Ben was going to go for a run.


    It only took a few minutes for Ben to feel nostalgic. He was out of breath, cold, and starting to sweat. Thankfully his years of training weren¡¯t completely erased, as he wasn¡¯t discouraged by any of it. In fact, he loved it. Each step he took felt like he was getting closer to an improved mind and body. As if he just had to make it a certain distance and happiness would be right there.


    The walkways weren¡¯t as busy as he would have expected giving classes were about to start back up. Certainly the bad weather was to blame. There was little snow left on the ground but the cool air still stung with every passing breeze. Even Ben was starting to feel impacted by the cold, though he was determined to keep going a little while longer.


    One more block. Then, he would turn around. His lies weren¡¯t even strong enough to fool himself. Once he turned around, it meant the run was ending. It meant he might get back to his room and lose all feeling again. He couldn¡¯t have that.


    Four more blocks since telling himself he should stop, but his pace stayed consistent. He had to take it a bit slower than in his prime. Still, he loved how it energized him. It reawakened a distant part of his mind that had given up. Maybe he just needed to give testosterone more time. Maybe he could try out for the team when spring came around. Maybe.


    After the seventh extra block, he had to pause to catch his breath. Luckily the building he was next to was unlocked and he could rest in the airlock until needed. Tiny snowflakes had begun to fall, and while they weren¡¯t piling up yet, he knew it was only a matter of time. And, judging by how far he overexerted himself, he would have to head back soon to make it home before the walkways were slick.


    Making the most of his rest, he looked around the interior of the building he sought shelter in. He thought it was familiar when he entered, but he was more worried about warming up than scratching his brain itch at the time. Now, though, he recognized exactly what it was. The very same building he and Maya had ceramics last semester.


    Ben groaned. Of course the run he went on to improve his mood and clear his mind led to yet another reason to think about Maya. From the air-lock he couldn¡¯t tell if anyone else was in the building. Some lights were on, though they were likely automatic. The small room they considered the lobby was just an ugly gray floor with a few metal chairs in it. Not even a plastic plant to pretend it was a space meant for the living. He could spot some dried salt on the floor, indicating people had walked through during the winter break. When he had classes there he never noticed those things. It was merely a room to walk through to go hang out with Maya.


    Memories of their times in class crept into Ben¡¯s head. It was the only class he remembered enjoying. Well, until Maya left. He never did get as good as her at sculpting a clay pot, but at least his projects were identifiable by the end.


    Forgetting his promise to only stay inside a couple minutes, he tried the handle. To his surprise it was unlocked, letting him enter the main building. Without a true coherent thought, he crept his way toward the dusty old ceramics room. He knew he wasn¡¯t breaking any rules, but the whole place felt so eerie it made him second guess.


    Habit led the way and before he registered what he was doing, he found himself standing in the room¡¯s doorway. The light was off, but the door was left open. He wondered if that meant the instructor was around and busy elsewhere, or if the school¡¯s security was really this lax. The difference didn¡¯t seem to matter much, as he walked in without coming to a conclusion. It was just as dirty as he remembered, maybe even a little more so. At the back of the room he spotted his shelf, where he had set his pieces to dry all semester. A few of his projects were still sitting there. The room must not have been used for any winter classes. He was supposed to have taken them home, but after Maya transferred out he found himself leaving class as soon as possible each day.


    Most of the other shelves were empty. Yet, when he looked at Maya¡¯s shelf, he saw a piece left on it. A thin vase which she had painted using a white glaze, with a few red flowers on it. Did she forget it? Or did she have the same excuse as Ben?


    He moved toward his pieces and nearly laughed at how much they paled in comparison. There was a wobbly pot that he forgot to paint, a mug that would cut the lip of anyone who wanted to drink from it, and a vase of his own. The vase was the only thing there that he was actually proud of. It wasn¡¯t wobbly and he didn¡¯t even need much help from Maya or the instructor. Even the design he painted on it looked good. A counter to Maya¡¯s white with flowers, his was black, with green vines spreading around it.


    Ben picked his vase up and brought it next to Maya¡¯s. Hers was definitely still neater, like something you might actually buy at a farmer¡¯s market, while his was a B+ with a designated spot on his Mom¡¯s coffee table at best. But he still liked his. The slightly bulkier shape with the dark color made it look important. And while the vines weren¡¯t as pretty as flowers, they made his eyes wander all around the surface. He felt he could stare at it for a while and not get bored.


    Pride welled up inside him. He worked all semester to improve and it actually paid off. Even if nobody else liked his vase, he loved it. It was a symbol of his time and effort. Proof that he could become good at something he once had no hope in. And he did it on his own. Maya had helped him earlier in the semester, sure, but when it came down to it, he made every motion at the pottery wheel. He picked which colors to use, made each brush stroke himself.


    Why did he ever think he needed to rely on someone else so heavily? Maya had improved his confidence, but what right did he have to attach all of his happiness to her? It only led to resentment when she pulled away. As if she was trying to shatter his self-worth on purpose. Now here he was, lonely and miserable and pretending she was the villain in his story.


    Ben sighed and set his vase back on the shelf. All day he had been having realizations  dawn on him. Was he just dumb? He should have figured it all out sooner. At one point he did think he had it figured out. Perhaps he was destined to never really know what was going on until damage had been done.


    Well, whatever, Ben thought. I wasted enough time. May as well see what I can do.


    He reached for his pocket and opened the text from Maya. The exact words he wanted to say were jumbled in his head, but he was determined to get it out there, even if it wasn¡¯t as neat as he would have liked. He wouldn¡¯t get caught up in the apology she gave, just a quick acceptance and a place to meet up. No chance to chicken out. Clear and concise. It would give her another chance to respond and show Ben if she really meant what she said.


    With the text sent, he felt his nerves tighten. Once again he was building hope. Had he not learned his lesson? No, he had. It was fine to have hope. The issue was that relying on it for his entire sense of self-worth wasn¡¯t ever going to work. It would never be sustainable. He could be happy at the idea of seeing Maya again, and maybe have some hope that things would go well, so long as he knew he could survive without that.


    His next big challenge was getting home. All the windows in the room were frosted, not revealing the current state of the weather outside. The snow had been picking up when he sat in the airlock. He could only imagine how much worse it got while he was inside.


    He hurried to leave, but was stopped by a pull. Not a real, physical sensation. An urge in his head. Following it, he turned to get another look at the vases. The teacher had said that any projects left by the time a new class started would be tossed away. He looked around and spotted a small cardboard box in the corner of the class. Surely nobody would miss it, right? And if they did, he could always return it. Upon picking it up, it was completely empty, barring some tissue paper. Perfect for his intentions. At the shelf he set both vases inside, making sure the paper was separating them before folding the lid over.


    Of course, this meant running back home was no longer on the table. It would be a slow, cold trek back, without a coat, through a flurry of snow. He considered tucking the box in a corner and coming back the next day with warmer clothes and a ride.


    No, he wanted them now. There was a good chance he wouldn''t come back for them if he left them. Now was his only shot. Double checking that there were no faculty around, he darted to the airlock and stepped outside.


    And to his delight, the snow had already stopped. Not only that, the sun was poking through the clouds, warming his skin enough to ward off potential frostbite. Ben smiled.

 Undeterred

    Maya was emotionally exhausted. In the span of twenty minutes she had cried her eyes out over losing a close friend, was terrified to share her secret, and then immensely grateful to said friend for being in her life. She felt drained. And there was still more to go.


    Her coffee shop meeting with Karen had yet to end. They both knew they would see each other again a few more times before Karen moved. Yet neither of them spoke, afraid that it would lead to a goodbye. There was an unspoken deal between them to not end their time together too soon. Words weren¡¯t coming easily to either of them, just occasional sips of their drinks while they collected themselves.


    Karen would be the one to eventually break the silence. ¡°I do sorta wish you had told me sooner,¡± she said. ¡°Not because I¡¯m upset or anything! But I¡¯m sure it¡¯s not easy to never be able to talk with anyone about it.¡±


    ¡°I know,¡± Maya said after giving one final sniffle. ¡°It can definitely feel isolating sometimes. And I get overly paranoid. Having to hear people give their political takes right in front of me is painful sometimes¡­¡±


    Karen winced. ¡°I never said anything too bad, right? If so, I¡¯m really sorry!¡±


    ¡°No, don¡¯t worry!¡± Maya assured her. ¡°Compared to everyone else in the store you¡¯re a saint.¡± She set her hand on the table as a gesture of good will. ¡°I always felt comfortable around you, I promise.¡±


    Taking her hand, Karen relaxed. ¡°That¡¯s great to hear. Honestly, that was my biggest concern after hearing that rumor!¡±


    The two laughed and withdrew their hands. There was a foreign feeling Maya had growing within. It started when she first told Karen her ¡°bombshell secret¡± and just kept building. Each passing second she got a little closer to putting a name on it, until finally it hit her.


    She had new freedom. The constant fear of being clocked, the social equivalent of needing to check over her shoulder every few seconds. It wasn¡¯t present. There was a faint version of it somewhere inside of her, but for the moment it had no hold on her.


    ¡°By the way,¡± Karen asked, ¡°what did you mean by getting paranoid? Did you already think there was a rumor going around?¡±


    ¡°Oh, um,¡± Maya paused as she tried to find the best way to phrase her anxieties. ¡°I guess it might seem weird, but I¡¯m always convinced that everyone I talk to can tell that I¡¯m trans just by looking at me. Well not always but it¡¯s just in the back of my head all the time. Like it should be obvious by how gross I am. Like how I look off you know? I probably sound like a weirdo.¡± She ended her sentence by cramming her cup in her mouth and finishing it with one big gulp.


    ¡°Calm down,¡± Karen laughed as she spoke. ¡°You sound completely sane.¡± Karen looked as if she had just solved a complicated riddle, or found the missing piece of a jigsaw puzzle. ¡°That honestly sounds similar to how I used to be.¡±


    ¡°Huh?¡± Maya couldn¡¯t help but blurt out her confusion.


    What¡¯s that supposed to mean? Did Karen used to have issues with her gender? Is Karen also trans??


    ¡°I was your age, maybe a little younger when things got bad,¡± Karen continued. ¡°First year at college, brand new place, all new people. You know the freshman fifteen? Well yeah, I gained a bit of weight.¡± She spoke confidently and with nostalgia in her voice. Maya wondered how this was similar to her being trans. ¡°Now, keep in mind lots of other kids my age packed on some pounds too. I definitely wasn¡¯t alone. Looking back, it wasn¡¯t enough to cause as much stress as it did. Still, it drove me insane. I had my fair share of body image issues in high school, don¡¯t get me wrong. This, though, was a whole new beast.


    ¡°I bought a scale and began to meticulously weigh myself. I spent at least two hours a day looking for imperfections in the mirror. I even seriously considered cosmetic surgery. Somehow a tiny bit of weight gain set off a whole slew of issues I suddenly had with myself. And just like you, I had a voice in my head constantly telling me what everyone around me thought. That they hated me; thought I was overweight, ugly, gross. It becomes downright debilitating at a certain point¡­¡±


    Karen paused. ¡°Sorry, this is probably getting a little too heavy.¡±


    ¡°No!¡± Maya insisted. ¡°Seriously, please continue. If you want. It¡¯s reassuring to know I¡¯m not the only one who thinks like that. How did you get out of that cycle? You did get out of it, right?¡±


    ¡°I did, for the most part.¡± Karen smiled. ¡°Of course, it¡¯s no secret I¡¯m a bit on the heavier side these days, and accepting that was a big step in all of it. It was tough. I had no clue where to find help, or even that help existed. It seemed at first that my brain was just collapsing with no way to stop it. That me hating myself so strongly was the ¡®new normal¡¯ and I had no way back to the old me. The only way I managed was through pure luck, honestly.¡±


    Maya frowned. ¡°So it all just went away on its own?¡±


    ¡°No, not at all!¡± Karen said. ¡°I mean that I got lucky meeting the right person at the right time. She was one of my professors who had seen me struggling on assignments and reached out. At the start of the year I was always chatting with her and turning in assignments on time, so when I became distant and my grades started plummeting she knew something was up.


    ¡°And it really was lucky. At that time in my life I was less open about my problems and thoughts and all that. But when she talked to me after a class one day, I guess a part of me just had enough and spilled everything. Every ounce of weight I gained, every skin imperfection I had, each proportion of mine that I thought was grotesque and abnormal. All of it. I even confessed to some not-so-safe diets I had tried. It¡¯s honestly pretty embarrassing looking back, but I¡¯m better off for it now.


    ¡°What really amazed me about her is that, after I was done ranting about my problems, covered in tears and snot, she didn¡¯t seem annoyed in the slightest. If anything, she acted relieved. She must have been used to students bottling up and brushing off her concerns, and I was the only one lucky enough to take her up on her offer and just vent.¡±


    ¡°Huh, so venting then? That¡¯s what helped?¡± Maya asked.


    Karen laughed. ¡°I wish! No, that was just the beginning of it. After that I met with her more often, at least once a week, usually more. She told me about her own experiences with her body image. Turns out it wasn¡¯t quite as rare as I thought, just that most people struggle in silence. Pretty common sense now, but I was young and dumb, you¡¯ll have to forgive me.


    Anyway, she gave me some little methods I could use to try and improve my mindset. Things like regular exercise instead of dieting, journaling my thoughts instead of letting them fester in my head, meditating instead of pacing and checking the mirror fifty times a day. And don¡¯t get me wrong, each of those were helpful and improved my mental health a tiny bit. But what really helped was just knowing that someone else had fought my same fight before and had survived it. Finally I had concrete proof that it wasn¡¯t impossible for me to make it.¡±


    Karen leaned back in her chair after finishing her story, satisfied that she could at last finish her coffee.


    Maya nodded as everything settled into her brain. ¡°Okay, that actually makes sense! So like a role model?¡±


    ¡°Yeah, a lot like that.¡± Karen said. ¡°Someone to act as living proof you aren¡¯t alone, aren¡¯t insane.¡±


    ¡°So, kinda like what¡¯s happening right now with you and me?¡± Maya said hesitantly.


    Immediately a large grin grew on Karen¡¯s face, as if she had been waiting for Maya to make the revelation the entire time. ¡°Exactly like this.¡±


    Happy that she wasn¡¯t misreading the situation, Maya grew an identical grin, though it was short lived. ¡°But wait,¡± she said. ¡°You¡¯re leaving soon. It must have taken more than a few weeks to work through everything.¡±


    Karen sighed. ¡°Well, true. You know I¡¯m  always available for you to call and talk to! Not always always, of course. I¡¯ll have an office job, but you know what I mean! And who ever said you could only have one person to relate to? Find a support group! There must be some LGBT groups around campus or at least in the city, right?¡±


    Yeah there¡¯s a huge one, but I made a complete ass of myself there on like four separate occasions... ¡°I guess I could look into that.¡± Maya didn¡¯t want to delve into her history with the club.


    ¡°And what with the internet these days,¡± Karen said. ¡°All those apps you can download, there must be people you can find on there! Talking to one specific person isn¡¯t what¡¯s important, it¡¯s gaining the knowledge that you can find people. Don¡¯t forget that when I¡¯m gone.¡±


    ¡°You make it sound like you¡¯re dying,¡± Maya laughed. ¡°But I understand. And thank you, seriously. I¡¯m not sure I can even explain how much I needed this talk.¡±


    ¡°Good,¡± Karen said. ¡°It¡¯s empowering for me too in a way. I¡¯ve always felt I owed this huge debt to my professor for helping me. Now, seeing it from her side, I just have this warm, satisfying feeling. So don¡¯t go thinking you owe me anything either, alright? Just pay it forward.¡±


    ¡°Promise,¡± Maya said.


    ¡°Now,¡± Karen stood up and straightened out her shirt. ¡°I have to get ready for some kind of webcam meeting? I don¡¯t fully understand it, to be honest. But! I¡¯ll make sure we spend as much time together as possible before I leave, okay? Don¡¯t think this is the last you¡¯ll see of me!¡±


    Maya stood up as well, meeting Karen on her side of the table for a hug. She wrapped her arms tight around her friend, scrunching up her face so she wouldn¡¯t start crying again. ¡°Sorry again I took so long to tell you,¡± she whispered.


    ¡°Please don¡¯t be,¡± Karen responded, squeezing tighter. ¡°You¡¯ll always be the same little scatterbrained co-worker who became my best friend.¡±


    It was no use, her scrunched face gave way and once again tears were running down Maya¡¯s cheeks. Breaking off the hug, she wiped her eyes and stepped back.


    ¡°Are you all good?¡± Karen asked, coat on.


    Maya sniffled and nodded. ¡°Yes, I will be, don¡¯t worry. Go to your meeting before I make you late!¡±


    ¡°Right! Then I¡¯ll see you later this week! I know classes are starting for you but try and keep your schedule cleared!¡± Karen said as she waved and left the cafe.


    Support the author by searching for the original publication of this novel.


    It only took a few seconds for everything that just happened to start overwhelming Maya. Once alone with no distractions, there were no more barriers to block her thoughts. The first thing she noticed were a few other people in the shop staring at her. Bleary-eyed, she sat back down at her table, now facing away from the rest of the floor.


    Next, her brain went through a rapid assessment of all her new info. She came out to Karen, word of her being trans was spreading before that, Karen is leaving, yet somehow, hope wasn¡¯t lost. If she could follow Karen¡¯s advice, perhaps one day she could look in a mirror without feeling sick. It was possible.


    That meant finding more people. The easiest way would be to return to the club. That is, if she hadn¡¯t made too many enemies. She could apologize to Jamie and Sam, she had been meaning to anyway, though that didn¡¯t mean they would all immediately be on great terms with one another. And returning to the club also meant seeing Ben more, if he still went.


    Ben. Maya put her head in her hands God, what have I done?


    The entire time, she had pushed him away. The person who she got along with the best, the one who she could relate to the most, the one who always made her laugh and feel free. Someone who understood her so well that he didn¡¯t doubt her art project for a second. He knew exactly what she was feeling because he felt the same way. They mirrored each other. Ben could have been the solution to escaping the pit of gender dysphoria. Instead, she treated him like the cause. A permanent tie to her trans-ness. As if he wasn¡¯t living through the exact same thing.


    She quickly pulled out her phone, the exact words to text already in mind. It wasn¡¯t painstakingly thought through, it wasn¡¯t subtle or anything close to how she normally acted, it wasn¡¯t even a guarantee that anything at all would get better. It was, however, her best shot.


    It was freezing. Surely a contender for coldest day of the year. Maya rubbed her hands over her arms as she stepped off the bus. Even with a cushy winter coat on, the wind left her teeth chattering. Or perhaps it was unfair to place the blame solely on the wind. She had been shivering all morning, even in her heated apartment, under the covers, from the moment she realized what she was about to do. It was time to see Ben again.


    Throughout her whole morning routine and bus ride, she considered texting him an excuse. That she wasn¡¯t feeling well and they should reschedule, or that she had to do something for class. Even as the bus slowed to a stop, she contemplated staying in her seat and riding it back home. It was Karen¡¯s words echoing in her head that stopped her from doing any of that. She owed it to her friend to try and follow her advice. She owed it to Ben to set things straight and stop running from him. Plus she owed it to herself to try her best and improve as a person, no matter how scary it all seemed.


    The bus pulled away, inviting another cool gust to cut though Maya. She hugged herself tight as it breezed past, both regretting her actions and also feeling proud of herself. They had agreed to meet just up ahead, at the bench Maya liked to watch ducks from. At the time it seemed like a good place to talk, but she was beginning to wish that they had opted for somewhere indoors with heating. She dreaded how much the wind blowing off of the frozen river would bite.


    Afraid that standing still any longer would leave her stuck to the pavement, Maya took tiny, deliberate steps toward the bench to avoid slipping.


    Almost immediately she spotted him. Or, the back of him. Ben was sitting on the bench, as promised. His shoulders were in their usual slumped position, and he seemed to be holding something in his lap. Maybe a backpack? The wind blew once more, shoving Maya along without delay.


    Her steps must have been loud, as Ben quickly turned around and spotted her. Immediately Maya noticed that he had some newfound stubble on his face. He was still the same old Ben, only now more disheveled looking. She worried he was doing worse than she had thought. Though as soon as they made eye contact, his face lit up with a smile, and Maya couldn¡¯t help but return it.


    ¡°Hey!¡± he shouted.


    ¡°You haven¡¯t been out here long, right?¡± Maya asked as she got closer.


    Ben stood and shrugged. He was wearing a long-sleeve shirt and jeans, no hat in sight. ¡°Just a few minutes, not that big of a deal. It was honestly way colder yesterday.¡±


    ¡°Oh, shut up,¡± Maya said, now standing next to him. ¡°Classic guy mentality, not wearing enough layers because they don¡¯t mind being numb.¡± She gave his shoulder a playful nudge before remembering they hadn¡¯t spoken in weeks. It did reassure her just how quickly they were able to get back into their usual routine, though if she wasn¡¯t careful he might end up more upset than before.


    ¡°Well, I appreciate the affirmation,¡± Ben said, ¡°but I think you¡¯re just being a baby.¡±


    The two laughed briefly before the seriousness of everything set in. There was nobody¡¯s life on the line, no huge investment at risk, yet they both seemed under the impression that if the meeting turned sour they wouldn¡¯t have another chance.


    ¡°So¡­¡± Ben took the first shot. ¡°You wanted to meet up?¡±


    Maya gulped. She had practiced a hundred different variations of what to say before she fell asleep the night before, yet none of them were good enough.


    ¡°I¡¯m sorry, Ben,¡± She said. There were a lot of things she needed to say, but leading with that was important to her. ¡°I¡¯m sorry that I disappeared, that I was a coward, and then made it all your problem. That was¡­ bad of me.¡±


    A long exhale left Ben¡¯s chest. ¡°You know, I think I should apologize too.¡±


    ¡°Huh?¡± Maya pulled her head back and squinted. Of all the responses she was expecting, that one hadn¡¯t crossed her mind.


    ¡°Don¡¯t get me wrong,¡± Ben said. ¡°You definitely didn¡¯t handle any of this well.¡±


    Maya scoffed.


    Undeterred, Ben continued. ¡°But it¡¯s not like I did much better. None of this had to get as bleak as it did. I needed to just move on when you gave me the chance. So I¡¯m sorry, for dragging this out and for acting as if you rejecting me was somehow a grave sin on your end.¡±


    ¡°I really don¡¯t think you did anything wrong!¡± Maya said. She was a little confused at how this was playing out, and still concerned it might end up poorly. ¡°It was my own¨C¡±


    Ben held up his hand. ¡°Alright, okay, I surrender.¡± A cocky smile appeared as he spoke, the same smile that had entranced Maya when they first met. ¡°I accept your apology, and hope we can both be normal people from here on forward. Deal?¡±


    It was all a touch too easy. She feared confronting Ben so much, for so long, and now it was done? They were ready to move on? Maybe even be friends again? How was Ben so sure that she had grown? She hardly even got a word in!


    ¡°I really need you to know that I¡¯m sorry,¡± Maya insisted. ¡°I let my problems ruin what we had, I left you alone and stopped talking to you. I wish I had been more normal. I promise to become more normal!¡±


    ¡°You already apologized,¡± Ben said. ¡°I¡¯m genuinely not angry at you, I promise. If you think ¡®seems normal¡¯ is why I like you, you¡¯re wrong.¡±


    Like? Not liked? Does he really not hate me after everything?


    As always, she had let her mind spiral out of control while with him. As always, he could tell when she was in too deep and pull her out of it.


    ¡°Okay, as long as you promise,¡± Maya said. A lump was forming in her throat, though she softened her voice in an attempt to conceal it.


    ¡°It is!¡± Ben chuckled. ¡°How can I prove it to you?¡±


    Maya tapped her foot for a bit before speaking. ¡°I guess a hug would prove that you aren¡¯t upset with me anymore.¡±


    ¡°Of course!¡± Ben said sarcastically. ¡°Then you can feel my pulse and see if I¡¯m telling the truth or not! Why didn¡¯t I think of that?¡±


    ¡°No, I just,¡± Maya said, her voice breaking. ¡°I think I could just use a hug.¡±


    Ben¡¯s comical demeanor quickly shifted to serious and concerned. ¡°Oh, right. Okay, yeah.¡± He awkwardly held open his arms.


    Maya nearly sprinted the couple of steps it took to meet him, tightly wrapping her arms around him and burying her face into his shoulder. He seemed a little confused, but reciprocated. Two days in a row, Maya found herself crying in a friend¡¯s arms. But unlike her goodbye hug, this one was full of warmth. She recalled Karen''s words, about not being alone anymore. Having someone who can understand her same problems. Did she even have the right to miss him? After how terrible she was to him? It made her sick to her stomach.


    ¡°I really am sorry,¡± Maya whispered through the tears. ¡°I don¡¯t know why I¡¯m like this. I never have any clue what I¡¯m doing. You shouldn¡¯t have gotten involved with me.¡±


    Ben had been silent, his only contribution being steady breathing.


    ¡°If you want to tell me off you can,¡± Maya said. ¡°You must have a lot of choice words you want to say to me deep down.¡±


    With a sigh, Ben finally spoke. ¡°I did, for a while. I wanted you to feel as unwanted as I did after everything. Part of me still sort of wants that. But none of what I would have said was true. Just things I knew would upset you. How fucked up is that?¡±


    ¡°It¡¯s what I deserve.¡±


    ¡°Oh shut up,¡± Ben strengthened his hug and gave her a squeeze. ¡°Just let me know when you¡¯re done crying.¡±


    Maya¡¯s lips slightly smiled for a few seconds before returning to her solemn state. She knew that none of this should have been happening to her. That a happy ending wasn¡¯t something she deserved. Alas, it was hard to feel too distraught when being hugged by a cute guy, so she told her brain to shut up and just enjoy the moment.


    After a few minutes, Maya¡¯s eyes had let up and she was able to end the hug with confidence. As she pulled her head off Ben¡¯s shoulder she noticed her tears had left a wet splotch on his shirt.


    She grimaced. ¡°Oh ew, sorry I¡¯m such a mess.¡±


    Ben looked down at it and shrugged. ¡°You¡¯re a college student, it would be weirder if you weren¡¯t ever a mess.¡± As he spoke he kept his eyes on his shoulder.


    ¡°Are you worried it will stain?¡± Maya asked. She was prepared to buy him a new shirt if needed.


    Ben looked up. ¡°Nah, just wondering if it will freeze. Would be cool, right?¡±


    Maya laughed as she wiped her eyes. Suddenly she really did feel okay. That the last few months hadn¡¯t happened. Ben really wasn¡¯t mad at her. And that maybe their friendship wasn¡¯t over. Maybe they could even get back to being more than friends.


    ¡°Hey,¡± Ben said. ¡°Sit down for a minute, I have something to give you.¡±


    He loosely grabbed her wrist and dragged her to the bench. Maya followed along like a lost child, still partially dazed from the whirlwind of emotions that had taken her. Ben took a seat, with the mysterious box on his right, and pulled Maya down to sit on his left.


    ¡°I didn¡¯t know we were exchanging gifts,¡± she said. ¡°I could have brought you a nice coat.¡±


    ¡°No, no, it¡¯s nothing like that, ¡± Ben said. ¡°It¡¯s just something of yours I think you should keep.¡±


    Maya tried to speak but Ben hushed her. Resigned to the situation, she waited while Ben opened up the box and pulled out two vases.


    ¡°Oh!¡± Maya yelled. ¡°I completely forgot about this!¡±


    ¡°I figured you didn¡¯t just want it thrown out,¡± Ben said, handing Maya her creation.


    She carefully took it from him, afraid her cold, shaky hands would drop it. The vase looked better than she had remembered. Each cute, cheerful flower she had painted during a time she had such little joy in her life.


    ¡°Yours is super pretty,¡± Ben said. ¡°You should do pottery more often, outside of a class.¡±


    Maya smiled, then sighed. ¡°I should, yeah.¡±


    Ben¡¯s vase caught her eye as he fidgeted around. It looked so angry to her, as if the vase itself wanted to break and was being held together solely by the vines. Had he only done as well as he did on it because he was mad at her?


    ¡°Hey, I have an idea,¡± Maya said.


    Ben turned toward her, propping his vase on his knee. ¡°What sort of idea?¡±


    Maya held out her vase, then her other hand toward Ben. ¡°We should trade vases.¡±


    ¡°You don¡¯t really want mine, do you?¡± Ben looked confused. ¡°Yours is clearly better.¡±


    ¡°I do want yours,¡± Maya smiled in return. ¡°In fact, I always liked yours more. And this way, if I ever upset you again, you can just smash it. Like free therapy.¡±


    ¡°Alright.¡± Ben handed his vase over and took Maya¡¯s. ¡°I like it. Though I¡¯m praying you don¡¯t actually give me a reason to break this, it¡¯s gonna be the only colorful thing in my whole apartment. You don¡¯t want to be responsible for making my place dull and gray, do you?¡±


    ¡°Then I guess I don¡¯t have a choice!¡± Maya said, throwing on a dramatic stage accent. She leaned over onto Ben¡¯s shoulder, looking out at the glittering, frozen river. ¡°I¡¯ll be on my best behavior from now on.¡±


    Maya decided to keep her real reason for wanting Ben¡¯s vase a secret. Just looking at it reminded her of how much pain she could cause someone, even without meaning to. Now, though, she could have it as a constant reminder of what happened. Something to both make her think of Ben whenever she saw it, and keep her in check if she ever lost sight of what mattered.


    ¡°So¡­¡± Ben said awkwardly. He had gone completely stiff when Maya set her head on his shoulder. ¡°Will I be seeing you at club meetings again?¡±


    ¡°I think so,¡± Maya said, her tone optimistic. ¡°You think I¡¯ll ever live down what happened at the fair?¡±


    Ben loosened up a bit, allowing himself to lean into Maya as well. ¡°Ah, don¡¯t worry about that. Things are salvageable. I¡¯ll make sure of it.¡±


    ¡°And maybe we could go out to eat sometime.¡±


    ¡°Or a movie?¡± Ben suggested.


    They laughed and sunk into each other a little more.


    ¡°I really don¡¯t want to make the same mistakes and hurt you again, Ben,¡± Maya said. Her voice was weak compared to what it had just been a minute prior.


    ¡°You won¡¯t,¡± Ben said.


    ¡°What makes you so sure?¡± Maya asked.


    Ben took a deep, confident breath. ¡°Because, you¡¯re smart. And you¡¯re kind. You aren¡¯t the type of person to keep making the same harmful mistakes over and over. In fact, I¡¯d say it¡¯s more likely you¡¯d put yourself in harm''s way than the other way around. So stop stressing, ¡®kay?¡±


    Maya just laughed. She wasn¡¯t sure if she believed him, and she definitely wasn¡¯t sure how he was suddenly so confident about everything.


    Oh well, she thought. We¡¯ll just have to see.