《EVERYTHING WE WERE - BOOK III》
CHAPTER 1 - DECLARATION DAY
¡°Wax me
Mold me
Heat the pins and stab them in
You have turned me into this
Just wish that it was bullet proof¡±
"Bulletproof..I wish I was" ~ Radiohead
I was unsure of everything now as I felt shock, anger and disgust all rolled up into one tidy emotion. Anya was the wife of Jackson Caiaphas. Our most valued client. A brilliant entrepreneur. A budding political superstar. The proud son of the entire state of California, specifically San Francisco. He was head and shoulders above me and pretty much everyone else. Now I know why she stayed put even after years of emotional abuse. Now I know why she didn¡¯t tell her friends. Now I know why Lance the romantic singer left her. It was because of who he was; who he stands to be. What did my heart get myself into? Why didn¡¯t she tell me who she was married to? Why did I not at least inquire about her last name? I knew the answer to that question; I didn¡¯t want to know her last name. I didn¡¯t want to ever know her last name until it changed to Lastman.
There was no way I could continue our relationship. We were finished. Love was now dead on arrival. It was time to depart. My million-dollar promotion, the one I banked on to save her, to give her the life she told me she dreamt of together could not be jeopardized. I simply couldn¡¯t continue. This relationship could not continue. My mind had murdered my heart and even buried it in a deep backwoods grave. I knew who she was now, and I knew why she hid it from me. The romantic singer knew what he was up against and she lost him. If I didn¡¯t know what I was up against, then she had a chance to be saved. A chance to leave. A chance to live. Unfortunately, I was never destined nor intended to be her savior as the one who controlled the Universe now weighed in on my destiny heavily, and I was at its mercy.
She should have told me. He was a popular figure, like she told me months ago, almost a celebrity. In fact, he was probably the biggest one in the California business world. He didn¡¯t have to be an actor on the big screen to be a star. He was big time. I was small time. I had an office space ten times less in size than he did. He had family pictures in that office too, and all I had was the default screensaver on my computer. He was it all; he had it all. He even had the most beautiful woman in the world in my eyes, Anya, and I couldn¡¯t be a part of that break-up, the springboard to his success. The very base in which her kids would find success in life. If she was with me, it¡¯s not only a step back but a fall back over a steep cliff. I could not compete with his greatness. It would end horribly for me and for her. It would make him look bad, and their kids would lose a hero in the process. I couldn¡¯t put anyone through that. Our relationship had to end. I loved her to death. I knew I would be ruined for life. I knew I could never be with another woman and not think about my baby, the only one I could ever love, Anya. The truth stood before me now though, and I could no longer save her. As much as I hoped to be, I couldn¡¯t be her hero. He owned my firm¡¯s success, and he owned my partnership promotion. The only thing I could hope for was his death in order for things to work out between Anya and I, something I couldn¡¯t wish on anyone even if he was a horrific life partner. I hated to run; it ate me alive to morph into such a coward but I was done. This was a technical knockout in the first seven seconds of the opening round of a fight. Actually that gave me too much of a chance as it was more analogous to throw in the towel before I even stepped inside the ring. I promised I¡¯d fight for her and that I was a ¡°big boy¡± but I never knew what I was truly up against. This was a giant I could never defeat with a slingshot or even a nuclear bomb. The sooner I accepted this rout, the sooner I could go on with my fate.
I planned to let Anya know my intention to end our relationship the following morning. I had no clue who she was married to, and as much as it destroyed me to let her go, I had no choice. The universe had spoken as a colossal comet had crash landed into my tiny world, and it forced me to now accept its frigid reality; I was a loser. A nobody with a chance less than zero. I simply couldn¡¯t measure up to her husband and she deserved someone who could. Who really had the resources to save her, if she could ever be saved by anyone. Seven months of my life gone to waste, not to mention my future simply because I knew what love felt like now, and I would settle for nothing less than all I felt for Anya. If I ever felt love again, it would have to feel greater than this because if it was equal, I would feel like I betrayed her. I knew without a doubt our love only happened once in a lifetime if we were lucky, and although it¡¯s quite often in life, we never married our soulmates it¡¯s mostly because we had never met them. I did, and it¡¯s all I ever waited for and all I sacrificed my life for.
All I felt for Anya was better than I ever expected or dreamt of, but now all I ever held on to was gone. I had to choose reality over the dream. The earth over the astral. Financial security over the uncertain. Money over love. I now knew why Anya stayed put all these years, and why she believed marriages were unrealistic and tolerated his indiscretions. My decision to end us was also my goodbye to true love forever as I knew I would never feel this deeply for anyone again. I would always love her; there¡¯s no way I never could, and I would always carry her in my heart wherever I went; a piece of me no one would ever have again because I knew no woman could ever compare to Anya as I would morph into a widower more than a divorcee. No matter the depth of love between us, we were now done, forever; the beat in my heart slowed to a still. Jackson Caiaphas, a man I couldn¡¯t compete with on any level had stopped it and rightfully squashed the breeding butterflies. I had to acknowledge he was the best for Anya, Katie and Andrew. Landman was not, and could never be.
7:57 a.m.
¡°Good morning!¡±
When I received her morning text, I didn¡¯t know how to respond, and I didn¡¯t sleep at all so it was hardly a good time to discuss my discovery. It was also the last day of her recital, and I feared to send a reply that could affect her as my stomach felt like it wanted to come out of my body. Anya had become like a drug, a co-dependency I was unable to shake loose from yet knew I had to, like a drug abuser who found out they had severe liver damage, and was now in need of a transplant, but had a whole bottle of pills left.
ME: ¡°Good morning! How r u?¡±
ANYA: ¡°I¡¯m fine, baby. One more show! I saw u briefly walking into the auditorium last nite! Did u c me? How r u?¡±
ME: ¡°I did see you! Behind the booth talking to a friend. Looked like you had a cup of coffee in your hand. I¡¯m good.¡±
ANYA: ¡°U did c me! I turned around and saw u walking in! I miss u baby!¡±
ME: ¡°I miss u too! Katie was truly terrific! I was really impressed. U should be really proud.¡±
ANYA: ¡°Ur so sweet. I¡¯m very proud of her. She works hard. U c now why she thinks she¡¯s so ¡°Cool¡±! Big head! JK! Was it hard for u babe?¡±
ME: ¡°She works hard so she should feel proud about her achievements! In my opinion, she is pretty cool! A lot cooler than I am that¡¯s for sure! Not at all.¡±
ANYA: ¡°I¡¯m very touched you came to see my daughter perform. Made me realize how much I love you. You¡¯re a very important part of my life.¡±
ME: ¡°You¡¯re a very important part of my life too. I love you too.¡±
The only hard part of the show for me was what I learned at the end of it. Her piercing ¡°you¡¯re a very important part of my life¡± statement made this a lot more difficult on me though, as my heart wedged itself in to tussle with my mind. I began to suspect she probably expected Lance, the romantic singer, to walk away from her because he knew who her husband was, but she hid his identity from me on purpose so I couldn¡¯t do the same to her. She even did it with her ring the first night we met until Mitch forced her to show me. Now I had to sort between the two questions. Was what Anya withheld from me the greatest act of betrayal or was it the greatest act of love? I had no clue, but I had to figure it out quick. Time was of the essence, and everything truly weighed in the balance; my partnership promotion, my entire career, our future together as everything we shared and all we would ever share was now in jeopardy.
Another dilemma I had was how I would even bring this up to her. How would I start the conversation? ¡°Oh hey, by the way I¡¯ve been wondering, by any chance is your last name Caiaphas?¡±, or should I just suddenly spring it on her with a ¡°Hey what¡¯s the haps, Mrs. Caiaphas?¡± One thing however appeared to be certain; this summed up my entire life¡¯s luck with women. Of all the married people I could ever possibly date, her husband just happened to be my firm¡¯s largest and most valued client. I knew not only which way I leaned, but also which way I had to. I had to not only run, but sprint without a glance back. Lance bolted; now Landyn had to bolt too, and it had nothing to do with her children. I just didn¡¯t know how to communicate this to a person who told me all the things she did that allowed me to feel the greatest things I ever felt.
The more she text me during this day however the more my heart began to weigh in on the decision.
12:39 p.m.
¡°I miss u. What r u up to today? It¡¯s beautiful out!¡±
ME: ¡°Oh nothing. I have some work I have to get done. Miss u too. How is the afternoon show going?¡±
ANYA: ¡°Almost over! Did u see the little girls last night? They were so cute!¡±
ME: ¡°They were super cute. They were in the first two numbers I noticed. I think one of them fell down but she got back up as if nothing happened.¡±
ANYA: ¡°I didn¡¯t know about that! So much happens behind the scenes it¡¯s not even funny. Katie barely made it in the Coppelia chair in time! Seconds! Glad u were there. Better go! I love you forever!¡±
ME: ¡°I love you forever!¡±
I truly did regardless of what I learned the night before. The choice was no longer mine to not love her. I did and always would, innately.
After the final show that evening Anya planned to go out to dinner with her group of dancers and their moms so I didn¡¯t expect to hear from her again that day. My mind was in a grinder anyway. The negative thoughts that came and went were unlike any I experienced as my emotions shifted from my ability to my inability to cope with her loss, which undoubtedly would be the greatest of my life. This fear then led me on a quest for knowledge as I realized only the cold hard truth about what she had allowed me to be a part of could be the elixir to all the anguish I felt.
Unable to sleep but beyond fatigued as dark circles encased my eyes, I pulled myself groggily up to my computer desk to search the web for an epiphany and any peace of mind. I needed to face the truth and the sooner I did the easier I felt this could be on my heart. If I could convince myself this version of Anya I loved dearly didn¡¯t truly exist, then I felt maybe I could end us without any unnecessary prolonged mental anguish. People may call this cyberstalking but I called it my heart¡¯s only method of self-defense. To begin my search to save what I had left of my face, I entered the string of ¡°Jackson and Anya Caiaphas¡± into the search engine to see what came up, and there I saw evidence of their union, their names included on a document to show they donated money to a certain cause, and a Jewish church newsletter that listed the date of their anniversary along with the number of years they had been betrothed. I then typed ¡°Anya Caiaphas¡± only and the search engine produced links that showed her half marathon times and a couple of the volunteer organizations she belonged to. I then keyed in ¡°Jackson Caiaphas¡± and numerous links came up. A link to a scholarship in his name awarded to a deserving high school student, and the link to the website of his business. I clicked on the link of his business website and I waited a few minutes for what appeared to be a collage of pictures to upload on the site¡¯s homepage. Once they were uploaded however, my stomach began to turn inside out as I saw a picture of them together with his arm slung around Anya¡¯s shoulder. I almost literally threw up because it hurt to see her with another man, any man, especially one who she told me so many terrible things about yet was also far greater than I was. However, after a minute had passed and my heart settled down to a slower pace, I took further notice in the picture a tension existed between them on their faces as they looked more like friends than a couple. The thing that struck me the most though was what she had on; the same black dress the day she came to my place and translated the words of ¡°Toda Una Vida¡± to me. For the first time since I attended the recital, I smiled as I came to my cold epiphany that my web search only yielded the things she already told me, all consistent with the truth, and even displayed an act of defiance only her and I knew of as I held the knowledge she was at my place just hours before this picture was taken. Her truth I found also reset my mind from the fa?ade of her marriage that greatly disabled me at times, and with this relief I was finally able to battle the circles under my eyes as I fell asleep though the entire night; a peace I desperately needed.
When the new day arrived, Anya sent me a wake-up call I not only looked forward to every morning, but now grew accustomed to.
7:26 a.m.
¡°Good morning! Sorry I couldn¡¯t talk last nite. Had a house full of dancers!¡±
ME: ¡°Good morning! I didn¡¯t expect to hear from you. I knew you were busy. How r u? Looking forward to seeing you on Thursday.¡±
ANYA: ¡°I¡¯m excited about Thursday, but I think I¡¯m coming down w/something. I have a sore throat. I think I¡¯m just worn out. Didn¡¯t go to the gym. Couldn¡¯t get up.¡±
ME: ¡°Well, all I can say is you better start nursing your way back to health because I¡¯m dying over here! Honestly, I don¡¯t know how you did it all weekend. I¡¯d be in bed for an entire month. Sorry to hear you¡¯re not feeling well.¡±
ANYA: ¡°You¡¯re so funny! Ok, I¡¯ll try my best to nurse my way back. I¡¯ve been going non-stop and I haven¡¯t been taking my supplements. My doing. I¡¯d still like to see u but I don¡¯t think you¡¯ll want to kiss me.¡±
ME: ¡°Yeah right! You can add that to the list of sure things in life. Death, taxes, teen lies and me always wanting to kiss you. I was just kidding, babe. Take it easy over there. Hope you feel better. I have to get to work. Have a great day! Happy seven months! Today is the thirtieth!¡±
ANYA: ¡°Happy seven months! I love you!¡±
Only seven months ago I met the love of my life, and now only seven months later I would lose the love of my life yet it made all the sense in the world as nothing seemed real anymore other than my disappointments. Ending our relationship was something I couldn¡¯t do over a text or on the phone, and I didn¡¯t want to give her the impression something was wrong so I had to put on an act until Thursday. It would be the act of a completely insane man to risk love over money, and I couldn¡¯t ask her to do the same thing. ¡°Everything¡± seemed to be a pretty big deal to her if she stayed with him this long as I now believed I asked for too much from her to leave a man like her husband. Why would she even consider leaving him now anyway? She worked for the man. She shuttled his kids around non-stop while they both worked hard to keep their family fully functioning. Why did she even start a relationship with me? How could she tell me I broke her heart when I left her because she was married? How could she tell me all these things knowing who her husband was and what they truly stood for? She cared about what people thought of her way too much because she had no choice to. Why would she ever leave him to be with me knowing all the people they knew? She would have no choice but to run if she did. There was no way she could leave him peacefully. He wouldn¡¯t have it. He would not be shamed. He would never allow her to ruin him in the middle of a possible race for national recognizance; to lose an empire he had built and looked to build even more upon; to lose face in front of all his constituents; all his business partners; all the people he knew; our firm. I had to break it off on Thursday without any reservations, without any consideration of the pain I would certainly find myself in for years to come. I also owed it to Clyde just as much if not more than anyone, a man who trusted and put his complete faith in me. The man who gave me an opportunity to mean and be something in this world; a man who valued me far greater than I ever valued myself.
Later that evening, Anya sent me a text that always put my guard down.
6:18 p.m.
¡°I miss u.¡±
ME: ¡°I miss u too. How r u feeling?¡±
ANYA: ¡°Feeling okay. Had a chocolate bar for lunch. Nice huh? Just don¡¯t feel like eating except chocolate. Hope I don¡¯t get u sick!¡±
ME: ¡°I¡¯m impervious remember? Thanks for thinking of me though.¡±
ANYA: ¡°Ur always on my mind.¡±
ME: ¡°Ur always on my mind too. Hard to believe you had time to think about me at all when you were so busy this weekend.¡±
ANYA: ¡°I was really busy, but I remember having contact. I just miss u all the time so it doesn¡¯t surprise me. When I saw u walk in I wondered if u had seen me. I wanted to run to you to say hi but I stopped myself b/c I was w/my friend. I walked backstage bummed out.¡±
ME: ¡°There was no way I could walk by that t-shirt booth, knowing you were there without looking for you. I miss u too much to not want to see you even for just a second. I just didn¡¯t want to put you in a position to be judged by people who don¡¯t know the truth why you know me.¡±
ANYA: ¡°Was it weird for u to be at the show?¡±
ME: ¡°I did feel strange about it. I think it was natural to feel that way given the circumstances, but I was there to show I supported you and your daughter so I didn¡¯t feel too strange about it.¡±
ANYA: ¡°I thought it was weird too but also felt it was very sweet of you. I¡¯ll never forget it. I was very touched. I love you very much!¡±
That¡¯s all that really mattered to me; that she appreciated the fact I was there. Sure, it was bizarre but I knew the significance of my patronage, and it meant a lot to her otherwise she would have never asked me to come even with her high profile husband in attendance. I just couldn¡¯t have expected I¡¯d learn such a harsh truth, a truth that carried my life and all my happiness in this world along with it.
8:36 p.m.
¡°I¡¯m having drinks with the C & D. Not feeling well but Carolyn needed to talk. I miss u. Can¡¯t believe I¡¯m going to see u on Thursday!¡±
After Anya revealed she loved me more than I knew, I began to sense whenever she had a tougher than usual time missing me, she would hang out with Carolyn and Debbie to help alleviate it so she could get away to spend some time with me. She would never tell me she did this, but my connection with her allowed me to feel it, and especially now that I knew she loved me ¡°more than I know¡± she never had to tell me.
ME: ¡°I miss u too. I can¡¯t believe it either.¡±
ANYA: ¡°Can I ask you something? It¡¯s kind of a personal question.¡±
ME: ¡°Sure. Shoot.¡±
ANYA: ¡°If you could choose would you check the male box or the female box?¡±
ME: ¡°The what? What r u talking about?¡±
ANYA: ¡°You know, if you had the choice would you rather be male or female? Which box would you check?¡±
ME: ¡°Oh! That¡¯s an easy one. The male box of course. I don¡¯t know how you ladies do it, but I don¡¯t think I would ever survive giving birth. Which box would you choose?¡±
ANYA: ¡°It¡¯s not that bad! I would check the female box. I don¡¯t think I could handle all the pressures men have.¡±
You could be reading stolen content. Head to Royal Road for the genuine story.
ME: ¡°Are you kidding? I still think giving birth is harder than anything a man does! I don¡¯t care what you say. ¡°Oh child birth is not that bad¡±. Yeah right! Male box! Check!¡±
ANYA: ¡°Ha! You¡¯re too much!¡±
The comradery Anya and I had built over the last seven months, as it grew off our connection, was tough to ignore, and that made it harder than anything for me to end things. She was simply my best friend. She knew me in a way no other woman ever had and we fed off each other as we respected and even enjoyed the differences between us. It¡¯s what good honest, even heart breaking at times, communication created and because of it we seemed to always be within each other. Every time I had voiced a concern, she did everything her situation allowed to rectify it, and I did my part too as I supported her at all times even when she didn¡¯t support herself.
After an hour of silence passed since her gender box query, she text me again.
9:41 p.m.
¡°R u there?¡±
ME: ¡°I¡¯m here babe. R u still with the girls? How r u feeling?¡±
ANYA: ¡°My head feels so heavy. I¡¯m high on cough medicine. I¡¯m going to leave. Don¡¯t feel good.¡±
ME: ¡°Ok, beautiful. Please drive safe on your way home. I¡¯m sorry you don¡¯t feel good. I love you.¡±
ANYA: ¡°I love you, babe. I¡¯m very lucky to have you in my life. Goodnight.¡±
ME: ¡°I feel like I¡¯m the lucky one. Thanks again for inviting me to see your daughter perform on Saturday evening. Goodnight.¡±
ANYA: ¡°Awww babe. You don¡¯t know how much it meant to me that u were there!¡±
ME: ¡°Well, I can¡¯t take all the credit for that. You were there too, so it was an easy choice.¡±
I didn¡¯t know how to quit her. I loved her. She was my only happiness. It was suicide. She was my real million-dollar payday. My purpose. My moment. My life. My soulmate. My best friend. The love of my absolute life, but I had to kill myself. I had to walk away. I had no choice. I was defeated. I could never compete with a man of the caliber of Jackson Caiaphas. A man who could give her the world; the finer things. All I could give her was a one-bedroom apartment in Irvine and even with the promotion I still fell way short. If I was an internal body part I¡¯d be the appendix; useless, better cut out than attached so I had to detach myself from the thing in this world I cared about and loved the most. I offered little to no use to her, and to her kids. I was no one, a huge nobody; a loser compared to him and all he gave her. I had to see myself through the lens of this reality, a realm she allowed me to escape from for seven months. In time, Jackson Caiaphas would eventually learn she was dating the associate at a firm he in essence helped build; a lowly associate not even worth an office or an effort to remember his name. In his eyes, I was a bottom dweller who just sold him on our firm because of an offer far below market value. Anyone could have done it, and that¡¯s exactly what I was if I continued to be a part of Anya¡¯s life, a person she knew who was far below market value, if I had any value at all.
I wanted to give her the courtesy of a face to face visit, but my heart wouldn¡¯t be able to stomach it as I had to break it off with her before Thursday arrived. I simply had to; time was of the essence, and I could no longer pretend everything was fine. It wasn¡¯t fair to her so I refused to keep my intentions to end our relationship hidden any longer because of the reality of all I was up against, and it was big time. My entire reputation. My entire career. My entire future. My entire life. All the years of school. All the time I spent studying for an exam. All the hours of hard work and sacrifice. All of it, on the line. I couldn¡¯t save her; just like the romantic singer before me, I fell short. I know I told her I would be a ¡°big boy¡± and this would be all on me, but there was no way I could¡¯ve foreseen I¡¯d be up against Jackson Caiaphas, of all people, a foe I didn¡¯t want any part of no matter how much of a horrible husband he was to Anya.
Anya sure didn¡¯t make it easier on me throughout the next day however, the first one as the month of July fell upon us.
8:07 a.m.
¡°Have a great day! I love you forever!¡±
4:50 p.m.
¡°I love you!!!¡±
Up to this point, I had saved all her texts. Every text she had ever sent me up to this point I saved, but when I received these texts, I did the unthinkable and deleted them from my phone. I then made an even greater decision and deleted every other text I had saved in order to toughen myself up for what I had to do. When she sent me a text later that evening, it gave me an opportunity to ask her if we could talk so I could officially break my own heart.
7:16 p.m.
¡°On my way to visit a friend. She had a hysterectomy. TMI right?¡±
ME: ¡°And that¡¯s why I check the male box!¡±
ANYA: ¡°Toooooo funny!!!!! I¡¯d still check the female box!¡±
ME: ¡°You can do that!¡±
ANYA: ¡°You can always come to the other side babe! It¡¯s really nice to be on the other side! No pressure!¡±
ME: ¡°No thank you very much. I also don¡¯t like bleeding every month for no reason.¡±
ANYA: ¡°No reason? Did you take anatomy and physiology?¡±
ME: ¡°I took physiology as an elective but I elected to pay more attention to my business school courses.¡±
ANYA: ¡°Ha! Even people with quantum physics backgrounds knows the reason of ¡°bleeding every month¡±! Miss u!¡±
ME: ¡°Miss u too!¡±
As much as I prepared for it, after another fun gender box exchange I couldn¡¯t bring myself to ask her for some time on the phone even after I deleted all her texts because the timing seemed less than ideal. That evening though, I decided to first get on my computer to memorialize all my thoughts and the reasons why I decided to break things off with her. I didn¡¯t want her to think I didn¡¯t love her or would even fall out of love with her, that my reasons were not because my feelings changed for her. When I finished putting my thoughts to doc, she sent me a text that gave me another chance to ask her if we could talk.
9:27 p.m.
¡°Goodnight!! I love you forever!¡±
ME: ¡°Hi Babe, could I give you a call tomorrow evening? I would like to talk to you if possible.¡±
ANYA: ¡°Ok, babe. I have some time tomorrow evening at around 6. Will that work?¡±
ME: ¡°That¡¯s perfect. I¡¯ll call you at 6. Thanks Sweetheart! Goodnight. I love you forever!¡±
If I was told to fall asleep on this night or I would lose my life, I would be dead when the sun rose. It was the hardest night of my life as I knew I now had less than twenty-four hours to say goodbye to Anya. I didn¡¯t think it was right for her to come visit me on Thursday, not feeling well at all to have me just break things off with her. I didn¡¯t want to waste her gas or any more of her precious time I knew meant a lot for her to have, and with that knowledge, I was more determined than ever to let her go. Yes, I would be devastated. Yes, my life would be over to a great degree, but at least I had a chance to survive with my partnership promotion still in place. At least I could find a way to make it even if I had to struggle for a few years getting over her. There was just too much at stake for me now and so much to rationalize. In the end though, as destiny would have it, the universe would once again make the decision much easier for me to make.
It all started innocently enough; a typical workday in my office until Kevin Kash entered with his cell phone.
¡°Check this out, Land.¡± he said as he briskly entered my office and shut the door behind him.
¡°What is it?¡± I asked confused.
He then laid his phone down face up on my desk, put it on speaker, and increased the volume full tilt. What sounded like a newscast, a political show of some kind I determined based on the patriotic music, began to spew forth from his phone. I didn¡¯t know if it was CNN or C-Span or any other specialized programming because I never followed politics, but before I could speak, a male broadcaster began to.
¡°Hello to all our listeners and welcome to another podcast of our show ¡°Who¡¯s Who¡±. I¡¯m your host, Roger Duncan, and today we have a very special guest we are very honored to have join us. If you¡¯re from the Bay area or South Orange County, you have probably heard of this gentleman; long-time California assembly member and current councilman from the great city of San Francisco, who is now making a run for a seat on the House of Representatives, Mr. Jackson Caiaphas. Good afternoon Jackson, thank you for joining us today.¡±
¡°Pleased to be here, Roger.¡±
¡°One of my staffers backstage informed me of this just before we went on the air so let me start off the show by saying congratulations on your recent wedding anniversary.¡±
¡°Oh! Yes. Thank you.¡±
¡°How many years have you now been married?¡±
¡°Twenty-three years¡I mean married for fifteen years; We¡¯ve been together for twenty-three years now.¡±
¡°That¡¯s amazing.¡± announced Roger who clapped softly. ¡°You don¡¯t see people together that long nowadays.¡±
¡°Indeed. My wife and I have a special bond.¡±
¡°You clearly do.¡± he said. ¡°It also sounds like your wife has been very supportive as you continue your ascent within the political ranks.¡±
¡°Oh, she¡¯s very supportive.¡± Jackson exclaimed. ¡°When we got married and decided to have children we agreed I would work and she would stay at home and raise them.¡±
¡°It sounds like its worked out well.¡±
¡°It has. She¡¯s a Rockstar. We¡¯re very fortunate to have each other.¡± Jackson Caiaphas announced. ¡°We actually listen to your podcasts almost every day together. We enjoy the show so very much.¡±
¡°Well, it sounds like you have a wonderful marriage and thank you for listening to the show. We are really excited to have you here.¡±
¡°Yes, I have a wonderful marriage. A wonderful family. I¡¯m one blessed man, Roger. I¡¯m excited to be here.¡±
The more I listened, the more my stomach began to churn and tighten as I literally wanted to vomit. Because of Kevin¡¯s presence however I couldn¡¯t break away from the torture my ears endured. He had such a ¡°wonderful marriage¡± he forgot he¡¯s been married for fifteen years and not twenty-three years. Then he corrects himself and shamelessly boasts they¡¯ve been together for twenty-three years. I guess it wouldn¡¯t be appropriate to mention they were broken up for four years in between that time, and his ¡°wife¡± was even engaged to another man during their time apart, and even less appropriate to not accept a congratulation on a fifteen-year marriage riddled with infidelities. If he was going to announce so much pride about his relationship, why don¡¯t he further boast he met her when she was nineteen and he was thirty? There¡¯s nothing wrong with that age difference, right? I mean, just think only seven more years from now his own daughter, Katie could meet some thirty-year old guy who thinks it¡¯s okay to date impressionable teenagers too, and who would have thought ¡°Rockstar¡± mothers were even tradeable for two twenty year olds when they turned forty! It boggled my mind how he could get on the air and lie to the public like that without any hesitation. Doesn¡¯t Roger Duncan screen his guests at all? How could he even dare to declare such things that were so far from the truth without batting an eye? How could he possibly sit there and proclaim he had a ¡°wonderful marriage¡± when he knew his wife wad clearly only there out of fear and not love? I didn¡¯t expect him to announce the truth but at least a little show of humility was in order or some cognizance his marriage was not perfect. The only thing I could truly vouch for as he spewed more garbage was that he had wonderful kids, but the family and the marriage were only wonderful lies.
The more I listened to the podcast, as he talked about his humble beginnings and self-anointed rise to business and political stardom, the less I trusted a single word that came from the orifice he emitted his deceits from. In a matter of only three minutes, I suddenly lost all the respect in the world for Jackson Caiaphas and how he attained his wealth. Beyond his lies, I could easily see how he could not relate to the American public on any level unless they were all in his same tax bracket. On display was the very reason why I despised politics and never followed them as these shows only showcased the ability of their guests to skillfully spin their own version of the truth which was far from it. It suddenly became clear to me the very reason why I became an auditor, and why I enjoyed what I did; I detested frauds; people who deceived others only to serve themselves, and here before me trumpeted the biggest fraud of all, but no one knew other than myself and Anya who this man truly was and who he truly represented; the ultimate special interest group, himself.
¡°My wife and I, we watch political and money shows together. We have these kinds of programs running pretty much all day long in our house. We want our kids to know the importance of money and politics; the value of them in our society.¡± Spun Jackson Caiaphas. ¡°In fact, I believe life is all about the business of politics. How we convey and portray ourselves to others to survive and obtain the things we need or desire. There¡¯s so much to it than the political propaganda that goes on; politics is business and business is politics. That¡¯s why I enjoy your show so much Roger. It presents a forum that allows ¡°Who¡¯s Who¡± to not only present their views but also represent themselves in an honest light, and I can¡¯t tell you enough how appreciative I am for the opportunity.¡±
¡°We really appreciate you being here Jackson.¡± Gushed the host. ¡°Do you see anything in particular that needs to be changed in D.C.? Something you see yourself championing for in Congress if elected?¡±
¡°Well, I bring a business acumen and entrepreneurial spirit to Washington, and that¡¯s how this country became great. We had great leaders, but we don¡¯t have great leaders anymore. The bottom line is we must make sure all businesses can flourish and although many people see a recession headed our way, I believe this market growth is sustainable and will only continue to grow.¡± Opined Jackson. ¡°What I would fight for is the lowering of the capital gains tax so people would be more inclined to invest and put their gains on investments back into our economy; back into our businesses. I believe doing so would cut off any chance at a recession.¡±
As he began to sound more like Charlie Brown¡¯s teacher to me, at this point of the interview I had to find a way to get Kevin to shut off his phone before I threw it across the room in disgust. The one thing I admired about the man, his commitment to his wife and family was lost, and his personal achievements, his political positions, I no longer found appealing as his character was now no longer intact.
¡°Well, Kev. He certainly had a lot to say, but I have to get to work here.¡± I said.
¡°You don¡¯t want to hear the rest of it?¡±
¡°I got a ton of work and I need to get started. Clyde¡¯s expecting me to wrap up this job today so he can review the file.¡±
¡°It¡¯s Jackson Caiaphas though, Land. Our biggest client. Clyde will understand.¡±
¡°I know he would, but we have other clients too, you know. We service quite a few here these days.¡±
¡°Yeah, mostly because of Jackson Caiaphas.¡±
I looked up at him and nodded slowly in resignation as I buried my hands into my slack pockets.
¡°Well anyway, I really gotta get going.¡± I said as I began to put my laptop into my computer bag. ¡°I have to head out to Hesperia right now to check out the progress of the audit.¡±
¡°Oh, okay then.¡± Said Kevin as he mercifully shut down his phone. ¡°Isn¡¯t it kind of late now to be heading out there? I thought you were done? Didn¡¯t you say you had a file to wrap up?¡±
¡°We¡¯re having some inventory valuation issues. Measuring the rebar and the steel. It¡¯s a tricky calculation and the team needs my help out there so they can sleep in their own beds at night next week.¡± I said. ¡°It¡¯s kind of late, yeah, but that¡¯s the file I need to wrap up today though so I have no choice.¡±
¡°Are you over budget?¡±
¡°Slightly, about five K.¡±
¡°Bummer. Yeah, you better go stop the bleeding.¡±
¡°Yep.¡± I said as I slung my laptop carry across my shoulder and pat Kevin lightly on the back of his shoulder when I walked by him. ¡°Thanks for letting me listen in on that. It was very, um¡informative.¡±
¡°No prob Land. Be safe out there huh?¡± he said. ¡°It¡¯s really gusty in the high desert right now I heard and the winds can sometimes tip over semis.¡±
¡°Thanks for letting me know. I will.¡± I said. ¡°I¡¯ll be back in the office the rest of the week. Have a good one Kev.¡±
¡°You too.¡± He said as I hustled out of the office.
I had to escape as my reality became no longer recognizable, a reality that belonged solely to me. I hadn¡¯t planned to drive out to Hesperia that afternoon, but Kevin¡¯s podcast kicked that option into high gear. I needed the long drive though away from everything. Away from the truth. Away from my heartache. Away from the lies. Away from the realization of a world around me I would no longer see the same way again, and as I drove into the brutally gusty high desert, a montage of Jackson Caiaphas moments played in my head as I remembered some of the things he said that struck me like a caning.
¡°See this ring on my finger? I¡¯ve been married a long time.¡±
¡°I¡¯m a good role model because I¡¯m a perfectionist which is why I have been so successful.¡±
¡°Yes, I am pretty much the perfect husband as well which is ¡°muy importante¡± because a happy wife equals a happy life, right?¡±
¡°I¡¯m just a self-made success. Of course I had to eat some people alive on my way up but that¡¯s the business of politics. I don¡¯t apologize for anything.¡±
¡°A family is the only thing worth working for, if you ask me, anything else is a show of egocentricity.¡±
¡°I¡¯d lose an arm if I could change things.¡±
¡°You¡¯ll never leave me, you¡¯re too high maintenance.¡±
¡°I will fight for you. You belong to me.¡±
¡°I¡¯ll trade you in for two twenty year olds when you turn forty.¡±
My mind cycled through all the putdowns, all the lies, all the unabashed self-promotion, all the emotional sabotage, and all the veiled insults, but each and every time I harked back to his ¡°See this ring on my finger¡± did I lose all respect for him as he tried to pull the wool over my eyes, lower my defenses and convince me of his righteousness that day so I would sing his praises like all his other puppets did who only knew of him, but did not really know him. All I could do was seethe quietly inside, not because of these things he said only to me, but what he said and did to the woman I loved more than life itself as his arrogance shone brighter than a thousand supersuns. I then began to hear her words, in my head, as if they were cries.
¡°I would rather die than never have you in my life.¡±
¡°I love you more than life.¡±
¡°I need you like I need air.¡±
¡°I love you more than you know.¡±
¡°No matter what happens, I have no regrets.¡±
¡°Would you fight for me?¡±
¡°I couldn¡¯t help it.¡±
¡°I love you forever.¡±
¡°I love you forever.¡±
¡°I love you forever.¡±
¡°I love you forever¡± was all I could think of because it¡¯s all that mattered. It didn¡¯t matter if I ran or not. ¡°I love you forever¡± was not only a fact but a non-time sensitive statement, one that would never change, and now I knew exactly why it was said; not only out of truth but also out of fear. Fear she would lose me, and if she ever did, she wanted me to know the truth about her feelings, because she knew I was the only man that could save her from his treachery, his deception and her perpetual sadness, but even with all these powerful emotions I was still unsure about our immediate future until she sent me a simple text, a sign, while I drove into oblivion, and my car began to shake violently back and forth from the gusts that now greeted me.
1:23 p.m.
¡°Happy 13 months!¡±
A love like this, a love that tells you the date without looking at a calendar or your phone was not of this earth. Even I had forgotten it was thirteen months ago we met and if it meant that much to her, it meant everything to me. ¡°Thirteen months¡± spoke volumes to me. It was a belief. A belief in each other, and it also carried the belief Jackson Caiaphas did not have a chance against it. If he were suspicious, why hasn¡¯t he done anything to stop it? Because he knew the business of politics, and he played a game with her, like he did for the last fifteen years. He thought she would come back, but she hadn¡¯t, and she never will as long as I didn¡¯t run from him out of fear like Lance did.
The truth was she was my everything and for me to be in fear of losing my partnership promotion, and my million-dollar payday, then I was a hypocrite for believing in love let alone ever mentioning to her that ¡°money and things don¡¯t lead to happiness.¡± They are certainly nice to have, but they weren¡¯t everything, and by running away from Caiaphas, I would be the very fraud I criticized him for being. Seven months later I was now too deep in the game. I wouldn¡¯t abandon her because I would never do what his love did to her. All the heartbreaks with women from my past I never understood until now, as all those years of sadness I ever felt made me the man I am today, the one who was truly made solely for her. The one made for this very moment as the meaning of my entire life was now before me; my life¡¯s purpose to show the world true love does indeed exist. The love we shared, the once in a many lifetimes love was everything to me, and there was nothing in this world more important to fight for because it was just one of the things all the money in the world could never buy.
When my car almost veered off the road because of a sudden strong gust, I realized I was nearly thirty miles over the speed limit, but I blamed it on the fire I felt inside as my ambition to marry Anya one day, to be able to propose to her under the Eiffel Tower, and to save her from a certain life time of suffering burned as well. I had to make this dream work, and to become a reality. I had to fight, like I promised her I would, and find a way to keep it all; to have it all. I could find another client for the firm similar to Jackson Caiaphas and keep my identity hidden from him as well, but if Anya and I did marry, which I intended, then I would need a back-up plan for the firm. That way if we lost him as a client, we had another to take his place. He was a big fish, but I could land an even bigger one for the firm. What good was Caiaphas as a client if he lacked character and integrity anyway? If he cheated on his own wife many times, the person he supposedly loves, then how many clients and other businesses had he cheated? How many tenants had been overcharged on rents and CAM charges? His entire success he attributed to his understanding of the business of politics. The business of politics? What was that anyway? Donating money to a charitable cause and hiding behind it? Joining a church then hiding behind it? Did he treat his family in the same manner? Did he buy boats and horses for the kids so he could hide behind them as well? Because it all sounded like a part of the business of politics to me, and I had no problem making it my business to destroy the lies behind that industry.
In my opinion, Jackson Caiaphas was Satan in a suit; an entity more than a man who relied on false perceptions of who he truly was and an indiscriminate deception to magnify himself, even looking like a decent husband in the eyes of the people around him, who he bought in some way. He was the sickest of all sociopaths, misguided by a lust of politics and a pursuit of wealth; the poster boy for the American Nightmare and not the American Dream. He clearly meant something in this world, but little did I realize I now meant something too. In fact, I was just as huge, if not greater because I had the most coveted thing of all, over all material things and money; I had Anya¡¯s heart. Not only did she give that to me, but she also gave me the greatest weapon against him; his reputation, along with the knowledge and the power to wreck him if I ever had to defend myself as she gave me the truth about him and kept it away from everyone else. If he did try to leave our firm, his bad reputation would most certainly follow him out the door as it would only leave people to wonder why Jackson Caiaphas left KSR. And once people found out it was because his wife found someone who truly respected her, who truly cared about her, and who truly loved her they would eventually understand she left him because someone else made her feel safer and into a better person. And his own mother, shame on her, for telling her daughter in law to just ¡°suck it up¡± in the face of his multiple gross infidelities in order to preserve her son¡¯s pursuit of wealth and deception. If mommy dearest had taught her son real values such as humility and respect instead of money being the ¡°be all end all¡±, then he would be worthy of his mother¡¯s requests and Anya¡¯s loyalty. He was however, a professional liar, a thief of emotions, and an abuser who exerted emotional and financial control over his wife by preying on her fears of losing her children and financial support, two true tenets of domestic violence. I felt he embodied all the wrong in the world today, and his reputation meant more to him than his own wife did. He only loved himself over all he claimed to had built, a classic narcissist. Everything about Jackson Caiaphas was a falsehood, and the love for his wife was more false than anything as he only cared to lose the grip he had on his empire and the praises from all the people around him who believed his utopia truly existed on merit and who kept it intact for him.
Anya communicated to me she loved me more than any other man before; that I was the most kind, the most thoughtful, the most patient man she had ever met. Her words simply told me everything which embodied love, I stood for, and she even longed for our love more than the love that surrounded her every day. It was solely the kids who stood in her way and the fear she would lose them and their respect. My greatest fight wasn¡¯t against Jackson Caiaphas, and as much as I despised the man, this wasn¡¯t about fisticuffs but rather about ideals. More than anything though, this was about how important it was in life to have a real love so one day her kids could recognize it and have it as well, but in a much healthier way.
I believed chivalry was not dead as this fight she encouraged me to be a part of was everything I felt I was put on this earth to do. It was now simply my duty to stand up for a love our society had left for dead. That there was absolutely nothing more important in this world to possess and all I needed was one person to show the world what I had always known to be true. More than anything, I had to show her kids, two special innocent hearts, that their mother was the most loving person on this planet. Not only would they see the beauty in her, and who she truly was, but they would also know it intimately because I brought it out of her like no other person ever had or ever could. In the end, hopefully, they would also know not money or things nor horses nor boats led to happiness. That love was the leader and everything else followed.
Through these hopes, wishes and dreams of my own, I finally grasped that my moment, and not the end but rather the rest of my life, had truly arrived. I also realized Jackson Caiaphas wasn¡¯t going to just divorce his wife because his ego would have to face the folks; to face the reality that all his money, all the people he knew, even his obsession with vanity and his business of politics was not enough. That in the end, he was just bones under flesh, and when and if he learned it was Landman with his one-bedroom apartment and his office ten sizes less than his who Anya preferred, I believed it would shake the foundation of deception he stood firmly upon all these years. I didn¡¯t have his money, and I would probably never attain his level of success, but I had him beat in integrity, in character, in conscience and I felt it would be enough in the end as I believed the fear of exposure would naturally lead him to eventual acceptance; he had too much to lose not to.
I was now ready to fight and even die for love as Jackson Caiaphas and I spun like two spiraling galaxies out of control headed for a collision course with each other and all we ever stood for.
It was necessary.
It was my destiny.
It was everything.
It was the reason I was in her life.
I just had to keep him from learning who I was until after my partnership promotion became official.
CHAPTER 2 - CINEMA
¡°At first, art imitates life. Then life will imitate art. Then life will find its very existence from the arts.¡±
~ Fyodor Dostoevsky
7:49 a.m.
"Good morning! Still sick. I don''t want to get u sick! How r u?"
ME: ¡°Good morning! I¡¯m good! Sorry to hear you¡¯re still under the weather. Would still love to see you. I¡¯m impervious babe!¡±
ANYA: ¡°Okay!!! Don¡¯t blame me if u get sick! I¡¯m excited to c u! Can¡¯t wait! C u at noon!¡±
Like a lack of food or sleep, my heart needed her. I hadn¡¯t seen her in eleven days, nearly two weeks, the longest period of time apart from her I¡¯ve experienced in seven months, as it was hard to believe I lived without her in my life for thirty-six years yet only eleven days separated us and it destroyed me inside. As determined as I was to save her from a godforsaken marriage to a god awful man, and as much as I trusted Anya¡¯s love was real, the failures from my past and my bouts with low self-esteem were just as real too. My past heartbreaks had me in a python¡¯s grip for years so not only was there a battle between a difference in ideals with Jackson Caiaphas, but also a battle within myself, and my distorted self-perception. Before I met Anya, my mind overtook my heart, and solidified its insurgency as it laid claim to its new territory, but now my heart rebelled to gain back the ground it once controlled. My mind however refused to give it up, hunkered down and wanted back what it lost. It wanted me to accept earth again, but I didn¡¯t want to go back there as I held on to the belief my soul, my heart, and my innate being was reality.
Even though I was involved in an extramarital relationship, I was not an advocate for divorce. I always believed if people were able to work things out between them then you should allow them to. After seven months though, my view no longer applied to Anya¡¯s situation especially when she told me about the three things no one should ever give up on in life, that being with me was her hope, wish and dream. If her husband had been a husband other than by contract, even now after seven months, I would push her to him, but he was only a father, and not a husband nor had he truly ever been one. Furthermore, if there was a God, he lied to him too through his wedding vows, and continued to spit in His face even years after they were made. Notwithstanding another important fact; I was also the second man Anya dated in her marriage so I felt our relationship was not a mistake as she even informed me she¡¯d have zero regrets no matter what happened. That was a huge statement to make in a laundry list full of huge statements over the last seven months as her words simply told me she wanted to be real too, and she didn¡¯t want to be a fraud like her husband. Not one time did she ever tell me she still loved him or wanted to be with him as she just went through the motions to make her kids feel safe. It bothered me she lied to her kids but I knew she only did so out of fear. She wasn¡¯t trying to hurt them but protect them, and I understood that, but I also felt if she came clean to them, didn¡¯t treat them like they were too young to see or feel the tension around them, they wouldn¡¯t hold it against her later because kids weren¡¯t dumb and they could pick up on things. I felt I had to give her some time to work on this for herself though, and not to pressure her. Unfortunately, my mind wanted to advance on the ground my heart now held, and it was tough to fight off.
10:36 a.m.
¡°Here!¡±
My heart began to dance inside my chest when I received her text and when I saw her at my gate for the first time in eleven days, in hot white pants and a purple top, the butterflies inside burst from their cocoons. After my personal declaration, what if her feelings had diminished for me? I also decided not to mention anything about her husband. I feared if she knew he was a client of my firm, she¡¯d grasp at it, and choose to stay in her marriage out of fear forever. If I was truly committed to fighting for her, I had to keep it to myself until the right time came as I believed the more time we spent together the more she¡¯d be inclined to work things out for us to be together. When the kids were in school, she could at least hide her emotions from them, but when they were out for the summer, it was difficult so I had to take the high road at least for now and keep the knowledge I held about her husband a mystery. As long as Debbie didn¡¯t spill the beans to her it was a good strategy, as I believed I gave her the impression on the night of the recital Anya already told me who her husband was.
We wasted no time getting reacquainted, and it made me laugh inside about the fear her feelings changed for me. We were separated by five months at one time, and nothing changed between us then so why now after the seven greatest months of our lives? After a lengthy session of affection, we settled in each other arms like snug pebbles on a sandy beach. I really enjoyed our talks in bed after we made love, but it made me nervous at times because I feared she might reveal something that could still my heart and stimulate my mind. I felt we both risked everything now to be in this relationship, and the last thing I wanted to hear was any negativity.
¡°I¡¯m sorry, but I have to leave my phone on now.¡± she said to me. ¡°He¡¯s starting to call me at lunch time. I guess I didn¡¯t answer my phone at lunch a couple of times he called.¡±
¡°Well, I guess a cheater would know about those kinds of things.¡± I said annoyed by his hypocrisy. ¡°How does it make you feel?¡±
¡°To be honest babe.¡± she said as she looked up into my eyes. ¡°It pisses me off.¡±
¡°Good, because I think it should.¡± I said. ¡°I totally understand his curiosity, but he also knows the score. You¡¯ve told him you¡¯re only there for the kids, and you¡¯re not in love with him. I feel at this point he chooses this life, and his only goal is to make you feel bad for his mistakes. You think he¡¯d know by now if you don¡¯t have trust in a marriage, you don¡¯t have one.¡±
¡°I agree babe.¡± she said. ¡°There is no marriage.¡±
It¡¯s a sad statement, but that¡¯s what I wanted to hear, and it was the truth. There is no marriage because there is no trust. A real marriage is not only recognized by our society but also by God, and trust is everything.
¡°I may be wrong but it¡¯s why I wouldn¡¯t consider you an adulterer, babe. There¡¯s no real commitment anymore because of what he¡¯s done, and if there¡¯s a God, I don¡¯t believe he recognizes your marriage because he¡¯s an advocate for people in love.¡± I said. ¡°Now if his philandering ways had not chipped your heart away for him, I believe this is an adulterous act and I would push you towards him, even now after all we shared. I just hope you know I¡¯m not an advocate for divorce, I think it should be the last resort, but I feel I exist in your life for a good reason.¡±
¡°I know, babe. You¡¯re a special man.¡± she said as she leaned in to kiss me. ¡°Thank you for being in my life.¡±
¡°Thank you for being in mine.¡± I said, beginning to play with her hair.
¡°I went and saw ¡°Sex and the City¡± with the girls last night.¡±
¡°You did? How was it?¡±
¡°It was great! We loved it!¡±
¡°My mom wants to see it really bad. She watches the show religiously. She tried to get me into it, but I couldn¡¯t do it although I must admit, I do know the main characters now.¡± I came clean. ¡°She doesn¡¯t leave the house much anymore so I¡¯ll just buy her the DVD when it comes out.¡±
¡°How is your mom?¡± she asked.
¡°She¡¯s doing good, you know.¡± I said. ¡°I mean¡she still has the lesions on her skull, but the drugs are effective, and they¡¯re keeping an eye on it. Whatever she¡¯s been taking is working so there¡¯s been no further evidence of the Cancer.¡±
Anya looked into my eyes with a deep concern, a feeling that gave me goosebumps, almost as if she knew something I didn¡¯t know.
¡°I¡¯m sorry to hear about your mom. I¡¯ve not asked too many questions. It¡¯s extremely personal and I don¡¯t want to overstep my boundaries.¡± she explained. ¡°But I¡¯m here for you.¡±
¡°Thank you. I don¡¯t talk about it much, but if there¡¯s anyone I¡¯d feel comfortable talking to about it would be you. I just don¡¯t want to burden you with it.¡± I said. ¡°I don¡¯t think it¡¯s right when you have a lot going on with your kids and everything else. I don¡¯t want to take you away from them with my burdens. I¡¯d feel bad.¡±
¡°Don¡¯t feel bad. I want to hear about it and be there for you.¡± she stated. ¡°I¡¯m sad for you and your family, but I don¡¯t worry about you like I do when I know I¡¯ve hurt you.¡±
¡°I just try to be there for her as much as I can. I don¡¯t go out anymore on the weekends. I spend the time hanging with her. I just wish there was more I could do.¡±
¡°What is happening is out of your hands and control. What you¡¯re doing is the best thing. You¡¯ve been at your mom¡¯s side. Just being there means a lot. You¡¯re a good son.¡±
¡°Thanks babe. I try.¡± I said. ¡°I also know you¡¯d never hurt me intentionally so please don¡¯t worry about me. I¡¯m fine.¡±
¡°I would never hurt you intentionally.¡± she said. ¡°When you hurt, I hurt.¡±
I really trusted Anya never hurt me with any intent. The situation called for her to do certain things at this time, and I had to take the pain, to be a man about it and to understand this was a temporary thing I felt. There was a greater goal in life here, for some it¡¯s to go to heaven, but for me, heaven consisted of a bent knee beneath a golden lighted Tower in Paris, France, and just like in heaven, there would be no more pain, just love.
¡°Have you ever read ¡°The Bridges of Madison County?¡± she asked.
¡°I never have. Is it any good?¡±
¡°Any good? It¡¯s one of the most popular novels written of all-time!¡±
¡°I¡¯ve heard about it, but never thought about reading it. What¡¯s it about?¡±
¡°It¡¯s a story about a housewife who falls in love with another man.¡± she said. ¡°The story reminds me of us.¡±
¡°What? And here all this time I thought it was about a bunch of bridges in Madison County. What a sham!¡± I joked. ¡°I guess it¡¯s a good idea to read it now.¡±
Anya then leaned in to kiss me as she struggled to hold in her laugh while she pressed her lips against mine as she spoke.
¡°I think you should watch the movie instead. Not as good as the book, but I know how busy you are.¡±
¡°I¡¯ll tell you what. Let¡¯s make a deal.¡± I said.
¡°Ok, what¡¯s the deal?¡±
¡°I¡¯ll watch the movie about bridges that¡¯s not about even a single bridge, and you watch the movie ¡°As Good as it Gets¡± with Jack Nicholson and Diane Keaton because I think that movie reminds me of us too.¡± I countered. ¡°Not that we¡¯re old or anything like them, but the romantic scenes I could totally see ourselves in. Deal?¡±
¡°Ha! I can¡¯t wait to watch it!¡± she said. ¡°I love you, Landyn Lastman.¡±
¡°I love you too, Anya¡Lastman.¡± I said with a nervous laugh.
¡°That¡¯s my dream!¡±
¡°Thank God.¡± I said as I leaned in to kiss her again. ¡°Mine too.¡±
When she left that day, even though my left arm pulled her back a few times back in bed as she tried to escape, I felt a great sense of relief as her visit solidified the decision I made to fight for her against all these odds in front of us. It was just really nice to know we picked up right where we left off, and the love between us never blinked.
I felt even more love from her a half hour later when she arrived at home.
2:12 p.m.
¡°It was very nice to c u! I thought it was really cute when you told me you had butterflies. I had a great time w/u! I was so happy! I miss you already! I love you forever!¡±
ME: ¡°I feel everything you just text me! I¡¯m on Cloud 9! I love you forever! By the way, who wrote ¡°The Bridges of Madison County?!¡±
ANYA: ¡°Robert James Waller. The story only reminds me of us because they fell in love so quickly, instant connection. She didn¡¯t know how unhappy she was until she met him.¡±
ME: ¡°I¡¯ll watch the movie but thought I should at least know who wrote it.¡±
ANYA: ¡°Ok, babe. You won¡¯t like the ending though. She ultimately stays with the family but she really wanted to leave with the photographer. Sad.¡±
I really didn¡¯t know what to make of her ¡°you won¡¯t like the ending¡± statement because I felt she shouldn¡¯t care much for the ending as well. Before I erred on the side of my sensitivity, I figured I should watch the movie first then see how it made me feel, but her statement left me curious about one thing.
ME: ¡°Did you want her to leave with the photographer?¡±
ANYA: ¡°I did, but like her I was willing to accept it. I love you!¡±
First, Anya told me the only reason the movie reminded her of us was because of the instant connection, but now she mentioned like the housewife she too was willing to accept it? I began to fear Anya felt a parallel existed in the movie between her and the housewife, and it began to worry me. As crazy as it sounded, I now desperately needed to see this flick. I understood it was a work of fiction, but art at times was known to imitate life, as I thought it could provide me with some insight into how she truly felt about our situation.
The next day was Independence Day, a day to celebrate the birth of a country, but little did I realize it also marked the birth of my knowledge of Anya¡¯s struggle at home.
8:36 a.m.
¡°Good morning! Happy 4th baby! Have a fun and safe day! Prayers for u and ur family! I love you! Xoxo!!!¡±
The Fourth of July brought with it a special day for her; the day her son was born. I wanted to respect their time together as her son had a list of things he wanted to do so I expected to hear very little from her if at all, but unknown to me, this day would bring out emotions in her I had never seen. I rarely did anything on the Fourth of July, as it was usually a day I spent with my parents, but on this day, my good childhood friend Vance, who I hadn¡¯t seen in a few years, invited me to his home in Palos Verdes for a barbecue and to watch the fireworks. Vance and his wife lived on top of a hill and literally almost every firework show in Los Angeles County could be seen from his house as I accepted his invitation without hesitation. He was truly a happily married man and a perfect example why I always believed marriages were realistic when people were with others for the right reasons.
At this point, my mother was the only one I told about my relationship. I told no one else, not out of shame, but out of respect for the situation, but I was also honest to a fault. I understood little white lies, but overall, I hated dishonesty, and I felt if people burned to know the truth about something, you respected them enough to not drive them crazy, and you gave it to them. I knew one thing for certain though, Vance was going to ask me about my dating status, always a hot topic among my friends because they were true friends, and they cared about me. They were friends I had known my entire life, and not just people I met because I lived in the same neighborhood or through business or money. Not that those kinds of people could never be true friends, but there was something to be said about people you¡¯ve known your entire life and to maintain those friendships over twenty-five years displayed a special kind of loyalty and trust that¡¯s hard to find. Although most of my friends were married, and we never hung out or talked as much as we used to, we could always still pick up the phone at any time and be right where we left off even years later, and it wasn¡¯t even ten minutes after I arrived before ¡°the question¡± flew my way.
¡°I am. If you can believe it.¡±
¡°Really? How long have you been seeing her?¡±
¡°About seven months now.¡± I said. ¡°but we¡¯ve known each other for over a year.¡±
¡°Is it serious?¡±
¡°You can say that.¡±
¡°Oh wow. So when do we get to meet this lucky lady?¡±
¡°Umm¡unfortunately it¡¯s a little bit complicated, Vance.¡±
¡°Logistics?¡± he asked. ¡°Does she live far away like the girl you met on the cruise did? Just let us know when she¡¯s in town and we¡¯ll have you guys over for dinner. It would be no trouble at all.¡±
¡°Logistics.¡± I laughed half heartedly. ¡°I wish it was just a matter of distance.¡±
¡°What else can it be then?¡±
¡°Well Vance, she¡¯s sort of¡¡± I stammered. ¡°she¡¯s sort of married at the moment.¡±
¡°No way.¡±
¡°Yeah, she is. Crazy, huh?¡±
¡°Knowing you my entire life and knowing how picky you are, that¡¯s really hard to believe.¡±
¡°It¡¯s not something I jumped into without a great deal of thought and consideration, I can assure you. In fact, it¡¯s been really hard on me because I can¡¯t talk to anyone about it. Her husband has been unfaithful to her several times, even when she was pregnant with her son. He even cheated on her with another married woman and wrecked that marriage. Over time, I just got to know her and she ended up being this really wonderful person, Vance. There¡¯s a lot of love between us, and she told me she would only leave him if someone was there for her, so here I am.¡±
¡°Her husband sounds like he has some major issues.¡± he said.
¡°Well, luckily for him he has money and kids so he can hide them.¡± I said. ¡°There¡¯s even more to this story, but I don¡¯t really want to get into it if you don¡¯t mind.¡±
¡°I totally understand.¡± he said. ¡°Do you think he¡¯ll come after you if he finds out?¡±
¡°I don¡¯t think so.¡± I said. ¡°He has too much to lose.¡±
¡°I see. Well, I really hope it works out for you Land. I worry about you though because you¡¯ve had some shitty luck but I¡¯ve known you my whole life and I know how you are. She must be really special.¡±
¡°I appreciate that and yes, she is. It¡¯s not easy being single these days. It¡¯s a lot different now than it was when our parents grew up. Even though we have more outlets to meet people than they did, we have more of a pool to choose from and I think it makes it more difficult to meet people. It would have been much easier if I met someone in high school or even college but I never did. A lot of single women just don¡¯t get it until after they¡¯re married. I¡¯ve watched them go for all the wrong things in men and after a while of just spectating because you don¡¯t trust the games they play, you become jaded and opinionated. I thought for me to ignore someone who came to me; I never pursued her, I felt I¡¯d be neglecting the universe¡¯s plan for me, and I needed to pay attention to it regardless of her situation. To me, it was like leaving a stray puppy out on a busy street. There are so many jerkoffs out there who would hurt her just like a speeding careless driver, but she came right to me and I felt if I didn¡¯t take this woman into my heart it would put her in harm¡¯s way. Like a stray puppy she couldn¡¯t see the dangers out there like I did because I¡¯ve been out on the busy street most of my life, and I couldn¡¯t leave her out there to get hurt, again. If I didn¡¯t believe she would leave her husband, I would not be in her life, but she told me if she fell in love with me, she would be with me. So, I feel it¡¯s just a matter of time now.¡±
¡°Land.¡± said Vance as he put a hand firmly on my shoulder. ¡°I really hope I get to meet her one day.¡±
¡°I hope so too.¡±
For the first time, I got to open up about the beat of my heart as I shared all these great feelings for her I held inside for seven months, and for the entire late afternoon, I couldn¡¯t stop singing her praises as I¡¯m sure Anya¡¯s ears were ringing when she text me.
3:51 p.m.
¡°Hope ur having a good 4th! I miss u! I love u!¡±
I always loved to receive her uninitiated texts. They meant everything for me to see and to know, but they were especially nice to receive in the company of my friends, the only thing I was missing was her.
When the sun finally went down at around eight, it sounded more like an invasion than a fireworks show as I didn¡¯t know whether to grab a lawn chair or to start digging a fox hole. When I finally sat down to take in all the various shows around me over the city lights, and even among my closest friends I began to feel alone and saddened Anya could not be with me. As the neon blues, greens and bright reds lit up the sky, all I could do was sit there under the same dark sky and wonder if she could see the same shows I did, as I searched for the show she probably could see so I could pretend to enjoy it with her. After twenty minutes, it just got to be too much and while all the couples sat outside, I quietly walked inside Vance¡¯s house to take my mind off the missing.
When it seemed the celebratory bombings neared their end, Anya sent me a text.
8:45 p.m.
¡°Xoxo!!!¡±
As greatly as I missed her, I didn¡¯t want to distract her from her son¡¯s big day so I text her an ¡°Xoxo!!!¡± in response. She didn¡¯t need to know I missed her at the sight and sound of each and every firework, but it was nice to know she might have felt the same thing I did.
She then sent me a text that summed up our struggle.
9:30 p.m.
¡°Just came home alone. I left a party early b/c I missed u and couldn¡¯t stand pretending I was having a good time! I hate it! Goodnight! I love you!¡±
When I read her text, it shocked me and broke my heart at the same time. I loved the fact she left because she couldn¡¯t stand pretending, but the last thing I wanted was for her to bail on her son and for anyone to suspect anything because she left a party early. I wanted and needed her to enjoy herself whenever she was out with people, and to not think of me or us, but I felt the same thing she did so I knew it was impossible. Even though I was in PV with the best of friends, I felt alone simply because I wished she was with me, and I wanted so badly for my friends to know this wonderful human being who not only made me elated about life, but who also in many ways saved my life. As much as it saddened me to receive her text, I felt this also represented a breakthrough. A significant moment in our relationship, and one I yearned for; a leaning towards the truth, as we were both honest people in a dishonest situation and that¡¯s what made it extremely difficult. In my eyes, this woman was not the cheater; Her husband was the real cheater as he used fear against her and not love throughout their marriage as he instilled a dread in her that even her own kids would hate her if she left him versus the truth that her kids would always love her for the simple undeniable fact she was their mother.
Her text however provided me with an opportunity to share what I thought our relationship was mostly about; if not all about.
ME: ¡°I¡¯m sorry baby, I¡¯ve thought of you all day. I talked to my best friend about the old times but I didn¡¯t care about talking about them, no matter how fun they were. Instead I wanted to tell him all about the most wonderful human being I¡¯ve ever met and tell him all about the truest love I¡¯ve found in her that most people can only dream about. Sometimes babe, I feel our relationship is a lot more than just love. It¡¯s about you not having to pretend anymore. It¡¯s about being honest with yourself so u can be honest w/all those around you. So you can just be real, free and to feel again b/c whether you want to believe it or not, that is really important to you. I know this because I¡¯m in your life, and I feel extremely lucky b/c I get to know the real Anya. I get something I believe no one else does, I get the real Anya every day; the sweetest, most considerate, most unselfish woman I have ever met and b/c of that alone you will always be the most beautiful woman I have ever met. I love you forever. Goodnight.¡±
After I sent this text I wondered how she would respond to it. I even began to fear in the morning after she had settled down, she might grasp at it in some way, but her text gave me a chance to express myself and I had to seize the moment no matter the outcome. I knew without a doubt, she wouldn¡¯t have taken a chance with me and risked ¡°everything¡± if she didn¡¯t want to be real or normal again. When she left the party early, it proved to me she was just too good of a person to be fake as I believed our love opened her eyes about the falsehoods around her.
7:57 a.m.
¡°Good morning! Thank you for the sweet text last night! Hope u had a good time with your friends. Hope ur not sick!¡±
ME: ¡°Good morning! Ha! I¡¯m impervious babe remember? I left my friend¡¯s house before the fireworks ended as well. What did you tell your friends when you left the party early?¡±
ANYA: ¡°I told them I had sinus pressure. Glad u didn¡¯t get it! Still impervious! You did? Really? Did your friends say anything?¡±
ME: ¡°Not at all. It was a long day. They understood.¡±
ANYA: ¡°Oh I c. The fireworks made me sad because I wanted to watch them with you.¡±
ME: ¡°They made me sad too babe, for the very same reason. I imagined watching them with you in my arms. I actually had to get up and walk inside the house because it got that hard. I just stayed inside and listened to them. I just couldn¡¯t stand to watch them without you.¡±
ANYA: ¡°Isn¡¯t it amazing how our emotions and feelings r so mutual?
ME: ¡°That¡¯s why what we have is so special. It¡¯s not always like this for most people.¡±
ANYA: ¡°I agree. My friends asked me this morning why I took off last night. I used my sinus headache as an excuse when it in fact it was b/c I was missing u.¡±
Our show of emotions was the real fireworks spectacle to behold as Independence Day now held an entirely different meaning to me. The Fourth of July brought with it a testament to the depth of our love as we both sought independence from our situation, a circumstance that became increasingly difficult to accept more and more each day.
After our Saturday morning exchange, I decided to go out and buy ¡°The Bridges of Madison County¡± DVD. The movie started simple enough as two adults, Michael and Carolyn, return to the farmhouse of their recently deceased mother to figure out how the estate would be settled. As they open the safe deposit box, they learn their mother¡¯s burial wishes were not to be buried next to their father but to have her cremated and for her ashes to be thrown off a nearby covered bridge in, you guessed it, Madison County. As they go through the contents they learn their mother, Francesca Johnson played by Meryl Streep, had an affair with a man by the name of Robert Kincaid, played by Clint Eastwood. Michael, however was quick to judge and greatly upset by the discovery, but Carolyn doesn¡¯t rush to judgment and digs deeper to learn all behind their mother¡¯s request. The movie then tells the story of how during the time her husband took Michael and Carolyn to the Illinois State Fair for a few days, Francesca innocently meets and then falls in love with Robert, a freelance photographer with National Geographic who came to photograph a covered bridge in, of all places, Madison County.
As the movie concluded, I had very mixed feelings about it. I agreed with Anya; it did remind me of us because of how quickly they fell in love, but although I thought I would, I didn¡¯t find it too sad when she decided to stay with the family simply because Francesca Johnson¡¯s husband was such a good man. I just felt if she left with the photographer after knowing him for only three days she would be abandoning not only a good man but her kids as well. Robert didn''t live just down the block; he was pretty much a full-time traveler so where would the beauty in this story lie if she left with him? I felt bad for Robert Kincaid, but I guess I''d have to be a female to feel any sadness for Francesca Johnson.
When Francesca informed Robert she decided to stay with her husband she stated that ¡°when a woman makes her decision to marry and have children she has to fulfill that obligation.¡± In Francesca¡¯s situation with Robert, I agreed with her, but I was troubled when I began to consider the possibility this reason applied to all women who decide to marry and have children. When a woman is emotionally abused for years and been cheated on numerous times by her husband, I felt this statement had many fallacies, as in Anya¡¯s case this could not be communicated with an ounce of understanding from me. If Anya was sad about Francesca¡¯s decision to stay with the family after only a three-day love affair, how would she feel after a seven-month relationship? Not only would it be sad in Anya¡¯s situation if she stayed with ¡°the family¡±, it would be absolutely tragic.
This movie was an example of something that would never illicit or evoke any kind of feeling in me before I met Anya, and I would even go as far to say, I would¡¯ve never cared to watch the movie or read the book if I hadn¡¯t met her. In the end, the message Francesca¡¯s kids seemed to take from learning of her mother¡¯s affair was to pursue happiness, and life was too short to be unhappily spent. The spirit of her mother¡¯s story gives Carolyn the courage to end her own troubled marriage, and helps Michael become more appreciative of his own family he appeared to neglect. Francesca Johnson did the right thing by staying for the sake of her children as three days with someone hardly qualified as a reason to leave a truly loving husband and family behind. In Anya¡¯s case, I didn¡¯t believe staying with her family was the right thing to do because of her husband. Francesca¡¯s husband was a faithful and loving spouse. Anya¡¯s husband committed the greatest crime in any marriage, and he did it more than once, and the price should be her love. If Francesca¡¯s husband was Jackson Caiaphas and she stayed, I would have loved to see how the readers and audience would react to that, and how the popularity of this novel would be affected.
After I watched the movie, the message to Anya was simply this; be true to yourself so you could be true and real to those around you. She was too honest of a person for our kind of relationship and when she left the party early it only proved my point. I believed if she left him, the message to her kids would be a great one; to pursue happiness and a real love in life. Do not chase money. Do not settle. Marry for the right reasons. If you make a mistake in life, you can change it. Be courageous; change is a natural thing. If Anya stayed in her marriage, I felt she would send the wrong message to her kids as they would become victims and slaves to fear, not progress. If Anya was not truly happy how could any happiness be reflected upon her children? They already thought she was unloving. Anya unloving? I couldn¡¯t fathom it. What could be a greater message than leaving money for true love? If she stayed, her kids would think money was the most important thing to have in life. They would end up not doing anything for the sake of their own sanity and end up in an ¡°unrealistic¡± marriage. How could Anya want the kind of marriage she has for her own kids? A marriage that allows a spouse to feel compelled to approach people in bars because their unhappiness is so great? If Anya chose to stay in her marriage, she would in essence be choosing to be dishonest with herself and those around her, including her kids. How could she ever make such a decision? At least she had a valid reason for going astray much more than Francesca Johnson did, and women all over the country, probably the world, fell in love with this story, even felt saddened when she didn¡¯t leave with the photographer.
Later that evening Anya sent me a thoughtful and sweet ¡°I love you¡± text out of the blue and then followed it up with another one about a half hour later that put some fear into my heart.
The story has been taken without consent; if you see it on Amazon, report the incident.
10:16 p.m.
¡°R u there?¡±
ME: ¡°I¡¯m here, babe. How r u?¡±
ANYA: ¡°Took Andrew to see the ¡°Hulk¡± movie. It was good, love story. It reminded me of us. He¡¯d do anything for her. I cried. I don¡¯t know why I¡¯m so sensitive right now. How¡¯s your mom?¡±
ME: ¡°¡± The Hulk¡± really made you cry? I¡¯m sorry, Sweetheart. How did ¡°The Hulk¡± remind you of us? Mom is doing well. Very sweet of you to ask. By the way I watched ¡°Bridges of Madison County¡± today.¡±
ANYA: ¡°U watched it! What did u think? Sad huh? Hulk was a love story b/c he wanted to be ¡°normal¡± again so he can be w/his love. He was willing to do anything to be with her.¡±
ME: ¡°I enjoyed it. It¡¯s sad, but I think she made the right choice to stay with the family. It sure makes you think though.¡±
ANYA: ¡°Babe, I¡¯m really having a hard time right now. I just miss u so much I can¡¯t handle it. I miss our closeness. Can u have tea tomorrow if I can get away?¡±
This was what I loved most about her. She felt the same things I did, and she was honest about it. No pride. Just love.
ME: ¡°Please don¡¯t have a hard time Sweetheart. I¡¯m here, my love. Of course I can. I miss you just as much, if not more. Let¡¯s do tea tom if you can get away.¡±
ANYA: ¡°I love you forever.¡±
I knew nearly every second of every day how this hard time felt like, and it was easy to see how she related to the Hulk; how like him she longed to be normal again, free from her marriage so she could be with the one she loved, but she feared her kids would hate her if she left now, and I had to understand her struggle as hard as it was on me too. I sure in the hell wasn¡¯t going anywhere, but my heart broke for her every time she struggled. As much as it broke my heart to see her have a hard time, it also made me feel safe with all the feelings I held for her, and for a man with a lifetime full of low self-esteem to draw from, it meant the world.
The next morning, she sent me a text to let me know if she could make tea.
8:04 a.m.
¡°Good morning! I hope ur still impervious b/c I¡¯m still sick! 10:30 ok w/u?¡±
ME: ¡°Still impervious over here! See u at 10:30!¡±
Any day I¡¯d get a chance to see her also marked the impetus of potentially one of the greatest days in my life. If I had a top ten list of my life¡¯s greatest moments in the last thirty-seven years, at least eight of the ten came with Anya over the last seven months. It was crazy how much her beautiful smiling face in my line of sight made my entire day. She was like a million-dollar winning lottery ticket; the only thing I ever won in my life.
I showed up ten minutes early at the ¡°Good Morning Caf¨¦¡±, and went in to buy her an unsweetened passion iced tea and a hot green tea for myself to avoid her presence in the public eye. As usual she showed up on time and when I saw her she waved excitedly at me as her beauty powered my heart beat. She then literally jumped into my car and leaned over to kiss me as I breathed in her sweet fresh scent. She held my right hand as we drove off to our sacred spot by the children¡¯s park and the high brick wall. When I stopped my engine, we both stopped our light conversation to reach for each other. This time though we just could not stop kissing. You would think this kind of thing got old after a while, but it never did as it always felt like the first time while we treated it as if it could be the last time. She then ran her fingers through my hair and began to massage my scalp and it stopped me in my tracks because it felt so good. I then crashed my lips deeply into hers as I ran my hands through her silky long dark hair. After forty minutes of unbridled affection, we decided to take a breather as we both felt relieved and refreshed to be together once again. She then drove her lovely eyes into mine to inform me of some news.
¡°I had to tell my friend, the one who just got divorced, that you and I are just friends.¡± she said. ¡°She asked about you. About us. Her husband is friends with my husband.¡±
¡°Ok.¡± I said a little disheartened.
¡°Well, that¡¯s what we really are. Just friends.¡±
¡°Sure, we are.¡± I said with a forged smile. ¡°Friends always do the things we do with each other.¡±
¡°Well, you know what I mean. Are you okay?¡±
¡°I¡¯m sorry babe, I¡¯m okay. I understand. I know technically we¡¯re just friends.¡± I said. ¡°It¡¯s just, well¡you know. After all we¡¯ve shared it¡¯s tough to hear. I know you have to tell her that though. Thanks for letting me know.¡±
¡°You don¡¯t have the ¡°Seven Month Itch¡± do you?¡± she asked.
¡°The ¡°Seven Month Itch¡±? What¡¯s that?¡±
¡°Well, people actually call it the ¡°Seven Year Itch¡±.¡±
¡°I don¡¯t get it. Why do they call it that?¡±
¡°People say after seven years in a relationship you get an itch and you need to scratch it.¡± she explained. ¡°That after seven years you get tired of your partner and you start to look for ways to get out of the relationship.¡±
¡°If that¡¯s the case can you do me a favor?¡±
¡°What babe?¡±
¡°Can you at least give me another six years and five months before you ask me this question again?¡±
¡°Ha!¡± she laughed. ¡°Okay, babe!¡±
¡°Do you have a ¡°Seven Month Itch¡± that needs scratching?¡± I said as I playfully began to scratch at her.
She did not say a word, she just shook her head and laughed heartily as my hands made her feel ticklish.
¡°I can¡¯t fathom ever having a need to scratch this itch even after seven decades let alone seven years.¡± I said. ¡°My love for you is anti-itch.¡±
She then leaned in to kiss me as she struggled to hold back her laughter, and after another twenty minutes of uninterrupted kissing and caressing, I then reluctantly began the gloomy drive back to the shopping center where her car was parked.
After one final kiss goodbye she exited my car, but just as sudden as her visit came to an end, she abruptly reappeared and began to tap on my passenger side window.
¡°Babe, I left my sunglasses.¡± she said after I rolled down the window.
¡°Okay.¡± I said as I began to search for them on my passenger seat.
In the middle of my hunt however she suddenly opened the door and jumped back into my passenger side seat as our lips met once again. A few minutes later, I slowly pulled away and began to lightly touch the side of her face to look at her as her eyes took me in. As I absorbed all the love in her eyes, for the first time I didn¡¯t see someone I loved, but I saw my entire life. It felt as if she was my wife, and here we were together right in the middle of life to take each other away from the stress of it. Two people who truly leaned on each other, who found solace in our feelings and who pounced on a special spontaneous moment before us. She stayed an extra ten minutes with me before she finally retrieved her glasses and it was the most memorable part of the time we spent together that day, if not the best part.
She then sent me a text a couple of hours later that announced how she felt and captured all I did.
3:00 p.m.
¡°I miss you and love you very much!!!¡±
ME: ¡°This might surprise you if you take into consideration the 7-month itch, but I miss you and love you very much too!¡±
ANYA: ¡°Ha! Glad you don¡¯t have the 7-month itch! I couldn¡¯t kiss you enough today. I wished we were back in your room! I miss our physical touch. I am so in love with you. Can you go home for ¡°lunch¡± on Wednesday? If you can¡¯t, I¡¯ll drive to you.¡±
ME: ¡°Is this a trick question or something? I can get away for ¡°Lunch¡± on Wednesday! Thanks Babe! Words alone could never begin to express how much I love you.¡±
ANYA: ¡°I love you more than you know.¡±
ME: ¡°I know babe. I know more than you think I do. I¡¯ve seen and felt your struggle all week. No 7-month itch here, I promise you.¡±
ANYA: ¡°Maybe if we had everyday together for 7 months???¡±
ME: ¡°Well, I can¡¯t speak on your behalf. You might lose interest in me, but I would never get tired of you, simply because you¡¯re more than someone I¡¯m just fond of, you¡¯re also my best friend. That¡¯s what makes all the difference in the world. We could always find something to do or talk about if we got bored because we enjoy each other¡¯s company and have a lot in common. I¡¯ve never felt this strongly about anyone or anything before. Unless you cheated on me or lost interest in me, there¡¯s no way I¡¯d ever lose interest in you.¡±
ANYA: ¡°I could never lose interest in you. I would never cheat on you.¡±
ME: ¡°Then we¡¯d last forever babe b/c I would never do the same! Ever! I truly love you more than I love myself. I truly believe if we spent everyday together for the last 7 months, we would only find ourselves deeper in love. More memories, more fun, and less frustration all equates to that. Remove the situation and we¡¯re in heaven, just you and I.¡±
ANYA: ¡°I agree babe. What a dream! I think I¡¯ve just graduated from one wooden leg to two wooden legs!!! That¡¯s big for me!¡±
ME: ¡°I¡¯m still a little insecure though. Can you throw in a hook for good measure?¡±
ANYA: ¡°Okay! Throw in the hook! What the hell at this point! I love you forever!¡±
I knew I was her dream, but the truth was I didn¡¯t want us to be just a dream; I wanted us to be a reality. The end of this day brought with it a good feeling though as it was good to know if I ever lost a hand and two legs, I¡¯d still find myself in pretty good shape.
In just three days, Anya would be leaving with her daughter for New York City as we planned to see each other on my lunch hour the day before she left. Anya told me she hoped to leave her laptop at home on her trip, but she feared something would come up as something always did because of her job. With a suspicious husband who was also her boss, I figured she¡¯d have to bring it as much as she hoped not to. On the day after we met for tea, she sent a text to inform me her son¡¯s all-star baseball team was winning its game twelve to three in a double elimination tournament. She also told me before his game, Andrew gave her a hard time about the attire she wore at the game, which struck me odd because it sounded as if she dressed ostentatiously at his games. It threw me off only because Anya always exuded class in her attire whenever I saw her. It then led me to wonder what she wore to his games but for him to be affected enough to mention it to her, it sounded like something I had never seen her in.
6:25 p.m.
¡°Hi babe! We¡¯re still winning. At the game here in ¡°mom¡± wear! I had strict orders from Andrew and I¡¯m afraid this is just the beginning! I miss u very much! What r u up to tonight?¡±
ME: ¡°Ha! I have to side with Andrew on that one. It sounds like he means business! I¡¯m just staying home. I¡¯m wiped out. No plans. How about yourself?
ANYA: ¡°I¡¯m going over Debbie¡¯s later to watch the ¡°Bachelorette¡± Finale w/the girls! I know, pretty lame huh?¡±
ME: ¡°Not if you like those shows although I¡¯m not a big fan of them personally. They all just seem pretty fake to me.¡±
ANYA: ¡°The shows r fake but entertaining!¡±
I knew they were popular, but I never gave much consideration to watch the ¡°Bachelorette¡± or the ¡°Bachelor¡± shows until Anya mentioned it. There was this one show I really enjoyed similar to ¡°The Bachelorette¡± called ¡°Average Joe¡±, however the woman chosen to be the star of the show had to make her choice from a pool of average to below average looking guys. On the first episode she spoke excitedly of meeting her dream man, but instead of meeting a throng of handsome men, she was greeted by a busload of undesirable ones. After she saw what stepped off the bus, she ran off the set and threatened to leave the show, but the producers coaxed her back in with the promise to bring in a more attractive man later on. Although she still seemed hesitant, the promise of a man she could potentially fall in love with opened her up into being more cordial with the unattractive man pool. In the meantime, she got very close to this one particular average joe. She began to learn not only was he intelligent, but also extremely humble as she found out he was successful and doing well for himself without him saying a word to her about it. After a few weeks passed, the show made good on its promise and flew in an attractive one for her to meet and date. The show allowed them to get acquainted as she spent some time with him as well, and in the end, she had to choose between the average joe and the above average jock. When she chose the above average jock, it was heartbreaking to watch as all three of them struggled with her choice as astonishingly it appeared to be a genuinely hard one for her to make. Compared to ¡°Average Joe¡±, I guess I never cared to watch both ¡°The Bachelorette¡± and ¡°The Bachelor¡± because they glorified vanity and everything else I felt that was wrong with our world today. With the knowledge Anya planned to watch the finale though, I thought it best to lay to rest my cynicism. If my best friend found enjoyment in the show, I was certain I could too as I wanted to feel closer to her. Anya wasn¡¯t a football fan yet she watched and text me throughout the entire Super Bowl just to feel close to me and here was my chance to return the gesture as any solid relationship could never be about just ¡°me¡± but only ¡°we¡±. I sent her a text just before the show started.
ME: ¡°Did Andrew¡¯s team win? Are u at Debbie¡¯s now?¡±
ANYA: ¡°Yes and yes babe. I miss u so much. We won 20-4.¡±
ME: ¡°I miss u very much too. I guess I will tune in and see what people think love is these days! I love you!¡±
ANYA: ¡°I love you! The girls r getting loud! Time to turn the TV on! U mean to tell me u don¡¯t believe one can find true love on reality TV?¡±
ME: ¡°It¡¯s too much of a popularity contest in my opinion. They aren¡¯t their real selves. No one knows what they¡¯re getting. Money could be exchanging hands for all we know. I believe the people on these shows are more concerned about their image and a possible acting career more than genuinely falling in love. Oh and not to mention ratings! That¡¯s what I think anyway. I could be wrong.¡±
ANYA: ¡°I agree babe. It¡¯s fun to watch though. Maybe it¡¯s a chick thing!¡±
ME: ¡°I don¡¯t know about that because I like these kind of shows too though for the entertainment factor. They are definitely entertaining.¡±
ANYA: ¡°Yep! I miss u. I can¡¯t say it enough because I miss u every min of the day!¡±
ME: ¡°I know the feeling. Thank God you forgot your glasses in my car the other day! That extra ten minutes helped!¡±
ANYA: ¡°Awe hun. Maybe I left my glasses on purpose! JK! So you know while you¡¯re watching the show, I think she should pick the guy with the son!¡±
I didn¡¯t know the people on the show well enough to give an opinion, but if Anya felt she should pick the guy with the son, I had to side with her since she watched the other episodes before the finale. About an hour into the show, she checked in on me.
9:39 p.m.
¡°R u watching! We r having sooo much fun!!!¡±
ME: ¡°I¡¯m watching! I¡¯d hate to be in her spot.¡±
¡°The Bachelorette¡±, Deanna, had a choice to make between two really good guys. Jason, the man with the kid who Anya liked, and Jesse, who Anya probably liked too but not as much as Jason. Jason looked to be a pretty clean cut guy while Jesse with his longer messy hair appeared to be a carefree spirit, at least by his appearance. On his way to see Deanna in a white stretch limo, Jason sat upright while he confessed his feelings and then shared his plan with the audience to propose to her as he felt extremely confident she would choose him. As he exited the limo, Deanna, a thin pretty blue eyed brunette who looked like Tiffany Amber Thiessen, stood before him with the ocean as a backdrop. When she saw him they hugged and kissed, and when she commented on his orange tie, he revealed his son picked it out for him to wear. Without hesitation and with all the confidence in the world, he got down on one knee to propose, but unfortunately he did so before her choice was made as she tried to help him back up and told him she ¡°can¡¯t¡±. Dejected he reluctantly rose to face her truth and sought an explanation as he doubted all she ever told him and all she ever felt for him. She informed him her feelings were truly genuine but although she was falling in love with him, she was already in love with another man. He then gave her an expression that seemed to say ¡°Who could it be¡±? which I found pretty funny only because who else did he think it could be? The comedy ended quickly there though when he returned to the limo as he sunk deeply into his seat and sat slumped over, broken. When he began to speak, his words hit me hard.
¡°I¡¯m completely shocked. I feel like I¡¯m a good enough guy who cares about people genuinely. I was so ready to be in love again. I was so ready to be there again. It really hurts to be so close to somebody and for them to say ¡°no, you know what I do like you a lot, but I like him more¡±. She wanted something that I couldn¡¯t offer her. She wanted this alternative world or she thinks she wants him. You want safety and security, once you have safety and security you want to live on the edge, but once you live on the edge you want to go back to your safety and security. And the best person is the both, you know, the one who has it all. I thought I did. I think I do. I don¡¯t wanna fall in love. I¡¯ve had this huge hole in my heart now for years. Somebody looks at me and can see the safety and can see the fun and the adventurous side but is okay with all me then it¡¯s gonna be perfect. That was okay with her. It just got me hurt again. I¡¯ve had body armor since my ex left me. I thought it was coming down. Now it¡¯s up. The only for sure thing I have is my little boy.¡±
The last thing I ever expected when I decided to watch the finale was to identify with any of the men on the show, but it was impossible not to. After Denise left me, my armor went up as well for years and it took nothing less than a miracle to find myself in love again with anyone, let alone someone in a situation such as this. It seemed Jason and I travelled somewhat the same path, and when I saw and heard this broken man speak, it brought a great fear within my heart, that if things didn¡¯t work out with Anya, the armor would go back up and I would never want to fall in love ever again. And to me, a life without love just wasn¡¯t worth living especially if I ever lost a love like this.
After Jason had been brusquely dismissed, Deanna began to talk of Jesse, the man she loved.
¡°My connection with Jesse is so strong. I feel like I cannot live without him. I can definitely see Jesse by my side for the rest of my life. I see a life that is full of love, excitement. He is someone that gets me. He¡¯s someone that makes me want to be a better person. I believe Jesse and I would have a great future together. Today I am ending up with my soulmate. I¡¯ve found the man of my dreams.¡±
When I heard Deanna¡¯s words, I found how strong her feelings for Jesse were as they were similar to the way Anya felt about me, and I instantly felt safe again.
As Jesse arrived in the limo, his thoughts and words mimicked Deanna¡¯s sentiments.
¡°I¡¯ve never felt so full of love. I don¡¯t put myself out there like this. It¡¯s beyond heart wrecking to put your heart in someone else¡¯s hands. I¡¯ve never felt this way about anyone before. I really think she is my soulmate.¡±
Soulmates, exactly. Jesse and Deanna were meant to be together as Deanna was Jason¡¯s Denise, not his Anya, and when she greeted him at the same spot Jason had proposed to her just minutes before, Jesse then told his soulmate how he felt.
¡°The thought of not being with you kills me. I want to spend forever with you and I truly believe you are my soulmate.¡±
With all the same feelings I held for my soulmate too, Jesse then got down on one knee and Deanna ecstatically accepted his proposal. Even though I thought of Anya and I the entire time, I thought mostly about her struggle when the show ended. It was tough to watch, to know, something so simple for people to experience, to have, was out of reach for Anya and I at the moment as we watched the freedom all soulmates should have come to fruition. These two people got to tell each other in front of the world how much they loved each other and how much they couldn¡¯t wait to show each other; it was really hard to watch. When she text me I feared she¡¯d grasp at the way the show concluded as I tried to downplay how the show affected me in an effort to deny that it greatly dd.
10:33 p.m.
¡°Well, what did u think?¡±
ME: ¡°I thought it was entertaining to say the least.¡±
ANYA: ¡°Entertaining? I thought it was sad.¡±
ME: ¡°Yeah. It was that too. It was hard to hear all the things Jason had to say.¡±
ANYA: ¡°U ok?¡±
ME: ¡°I¡¯m Ok. I felt bad for her having to make that tough decision too. R u ok?¡±
ANYA: ¡°Yes babe, I¡¯m ok. I felt her pain. How do u feel right now about us?¡±
ME: ¡°I feel very strongly about us. How r u feeling about us right now?
ANYA: ¡°I want to be happy again. I only thought of you the whole time. I love you! Forever!¡±
The week brought with it a great testimony of her feelings for me, and nothing spoke more loudly than ¡°I want to be happy again.¡± after we watched such a heart wrenching show. I wanted her to be happy again more than I wanted to be happy, but I also wanted her to be happy forever, not just for a period of time and I wanted that burden all on me. I knew I could do it because she valued loyalty, something not complicated all partners should have, and she deserved it. ¡°I want to be happy again¡± spoke volumes to me; an unselfish want simply because she needed happiness in her life so it could be reflected upon her children. Notwithstanding the fact, most every human being deserved happiness too.
The next day brought a great anticipation for our last day together before she left for New York.
8:45 a.m.
¡°Good morning! How r u? I¡¯m excited to c u tom! Xoxo!¡±
It never ceased to amaze me how the feeling was never contrived or obligated, but always mutual. She exhibited no fear, only safety, in my feelings for her as I was always grateful she could communicate her true feelings to me without dread. It opened my eyes to the fact I gave her something in just seven months that Jackson Caiaphas was unable to give her in twenty-three years; safety in her feelings. Jubilation might have been the most appropriate word to use to describe my own anticipation of her visit the next day as I told her I was fine and asked her how her morning was going. In return, I then received a candid response.
8:59 a.m.
¡°I¡¯m fine baby! Katie just whined about going to tennis so not very happy w/her. She¡¯s running instead. I guess that¡¯s summer! Sorry to complain!¡±
It bothered me she felt it was a complaint, as if she was never allowed to. I may not have been one, but I knew it wasn¡¯t easy to be a parent. Especially in a parenting arrangement like hers, it seemed the job was thankless most of the time, but that¡¯s exactly what parenting was though, a thankless profession. One in which you don¡¯t reap the benefits until years down the road when your kids finally begin to understand all you did for them. The last thing Anya ever did was complain even with all the heavy burdens heaped upon her on a daily basis, like an overburdened camel who had to trek across a ruthless desert. The more things she shared about her life with me though, the more I felt like her real husband.
9:01 a.m.
¡°I can¡¯t wait for tomorrow! Thank you for making time for us! I¡¯ll miss you when I¡¯m gone. I love you forever!¡±
ME: ¡°I¡¯ll definitely miss you too, babe but just think you¡¯re going to be in NYC in a couple of days and you get to spend some quality time with Katie. That¡¯s everything right there.¡±
ANYA: ¡°You¡¯re very understanding! I love you for that! Xoxo!!!¡±
It never bothered me to finish second to her kids. I accepted it, I understood it and never wanted it any other way unless they were never born. I knew the relationships she had with her children were the most important ones for her to have right now. New York City with her daughter for a week carried a ton of potential memories for her, and I didn¡¯t want to interfere with their production. Not to mention, I looked forward to sleeping much better at night knowing she was away from her husband so it was a very welcomed trip in my eyes. I really tried to connect with Anya on the relationship she had with her daughter before she left so she knew I understood this time she spent with Katie was more important right now than the time she could spend with me.
ME: ¡°I know how teenagers are pretty well. I used to work with them quite a bit at the Daycare when I was there.¡±
ANYA: ¡°Teens at Daycare? What kind of Daycare? Boys and Girls Club? I always thought you watched little kids.¡±
ME: ¡°I watched kids from K thru 8th grade. Even coached the boys¡¯ basketball team for two years. I did co-run the KinderCare program in the morning as well, but spent time around teenagers more. I worked at a private school¡¯s daycare. It wasn¡¯t a Boys and Girls Club; a church actually. So yeah, I¡¯m really familiar with Katie¡¯s age group. More than I ever intended to be that¡¯s for sure.¡±
ANYA: ¡°Awe babe! I had no idea! That explains it! You are just perfect!!! I love you!¡±
ME: ¡°Haha! I wish I was perfect, but hey If you say so I¡¯ll have to go with it! I love you too! Are u all packed and ready for your trip?¡±
ANYA: ¡°Almost. I¡¯m burning u my new playlist right now. It¡¯s for my trip to NY. I get tired of my old playlists. I change every month or so. Just some cool tunes that¡¯s all. Let me know if you ever get tired of my CD¡¯s though. I¡¯ll stop. I just burn them because it¡¯s what I listen to everyday. It¡¯s an extension of me!¡±
ME: ¡°That¡¯s exactly why I enjoy them so much, and I¡¯ll never get tired of them; they are an extension of you!¡±
ANYA: ¡°By the way, we can still be in contact every day, sweets. I¡¯ll just be 3 hours ahead. I will miss u very much.¡±
ME: ¡°Then you will hear from me very much because I will miss you very much too.¡±
ANYA: ¡°Ha! K! I¡¯ll be lonely for u so u have to keep contact w/me every day! I love you!!! Xoxo!!!¡±
I felt lonely for her every day so keeping in touch wouldn¡¯t be a problem. Her thoughtful gesture of burning a CD for me always took me by surprise. Even though she burned music for me several times, I¡¯ve just never had a girl do that for me before. It brought me back to a time when I used to make tapes for Sara, but it seemed like the songs I chose never resonated with her. In her defense though, my musical taste was unique to say the least. I was more into rock music than popular music as I preferred a ballad by The Scorpions over a ballad by Michael Jackson. Anya¡¯s musical choices however were uniquely popular, and they all appealed to my senses because of the heavy emotions I felt through them due to how deeply I felt about her. I never cared for popular music in any sense however the songs she burned for me hit home, as I guess I could better relate to them now than ever before.
Later that evening, I decided to try a stir fry recipe I read about on the internet. I wasn¡¯t much of a cook; I was more Freddy Crocker than Betty Crocker, but I always dreamt of cooking for someone I loved; or even cooking with someone I loved, and if Anya and I were together, I radically needed to improve my culinary skills. In the middle of my meal attempt more than prep, Anya sent me a text.
5:53 p.m.
¡°Having a spill w/Carolyn talking about u. All good things! What r u up to?¡±
I was kind of thrown off by her ¡°all good things¡± description as I was unaware they possibly discussed any bad things about me. I then remembered how Carolyn¡¯s knock on me was how I never raised kids of my own, so it led me to believe Anya informed her I used to supervise teens at the Daycare, and not just little kids. It was the only reason I could imagine what could have led up to a ¡°good things¡± dominated conversation; at least, that¡¯s what I thought. At any rate, I was just happy to hear from her.
ME: ¡°Oh I¡¯m just doing some light stir frying here! Please tell Carolyn I said hello!¡±
ANYA: ¡°She said ¡°Hello Landyn!¡± She thinks you¡¯re the sweetest! I agree! Ur stir frying? That¡¯s cool babe! I wish we were cooking together!¡±
ME: ¡°I¡¯m hoping we can do that one day together! That¡¯s why I need to practice and get my stir fry on! I hope this turns out edible though otherwise I¡¯m going to go to bed hungry tonight.¡±
ANYA: ¡°I¡¯m sure it¡¯ll taste great babe! Did you take the whole day off tomorrow or just a half day?¡±
ME: ¡°I took the whole day off so whatever time you want to come visit me, you can. Just let me know what time works best for you.¡±
ANYA: ¡°Ur the sweetest babe! I¡¯m sooo lucky to have such an amazing guy in my life!¡±
Strangely on this night, it was the last text I received from her as it was still pretty early in the evening. At this point in our relationship, she always sent me a text to say goodnight, and to not receive one from her was odd, especially when she was out with a friend. As peculiar as it was though, I didn¡¯t dwell on it at all. I went to bed easily knowing she¡¯d be in my arms in the morning, and when she left I wouldn¡¯t have to go back to work when I missed her.
After the sun rose the next day, I received a series of unusual texts from her.
9:17 a.m.
¡°Good morning! R u there?¡±
Her ¡°good mornings¡± were never followed by an ¡°R u there¡± before which caused my stomach to feel uneasy as it usually indicated a problem.
ME: ¡°Good morning! I¡¯m here.¡±
ANYA: ¡°R we still on?¡±
Another strange text from her. Why would she think we weren¡¯t still on?
ME: ¡°Of course babe!¡±
ANYA: ¡°K. I can be there by 10. Ok w/u?¡±
ME: ¡°10 is perfect.¡±
When we stopped texting, I still felt something was amiss, but I didn¡¯t want to mention anything because it might worry her. I was beyond ecstatic I¡¯d get to see her so early though, but rather than seeing her beautiful face forty minutes later I received another text in its place.
10:03 a.m.
¡°I¡¯m so sorry something came up. Can¡¯t meet till closer to 10:30ish.¡±
ME: ¡°Not a problem babe. Take your time.¡±
ANYA: ¡°K¡±
¡°K¡± texts from her I believed were a sign of either sadness, anger or anxiety. I then began to resign myself to the real possibility I wouldn¡¯t get to see her at all. I understood her side of things, but disappointment naturally took its course. I really had no choice but to understand, but I had to realize she had never missed a date with me before, and that was quite the feat when you take into consideration how entrenched she was at home. No matter how badly I wanted to see her, I refused to pressure her or to communicate any disappointment I felt. I had to take into consideration she was going to be gone for a week too, and probably had a lot of packing and coordinating to do as you could never predict what comes up sometimes. This was also a very tough week for her emotionally. She ran out of a neighbor party because she missed me. She got emotional watching, of all movies ¡°The Hulk¡±, and ¡°The Bachelorette¡± Finale weighed on her heavily because it made her realize how unhappy she truly was. All this while in the presence of her two children and a suspicious husband so even if she was unable to see me, I knew she wanted to see me now more than ever, and that made it much easier for me to be understanding.
At ten thirty-six however my disappointment was trumped when I received a ¡°here¡± text, and a huge smile broke on my face, one I¡¯m sure would lead to many wrinkles one day. As elated and relieved as I felt when I received her text, and even after all this time, I still got so nervous around her as the butterflies were instantly unleashed. I know I didn¡¯t see her everyday but after seven months you¡¯d think it would¡¯ve stopped by now, but she inspired butterflies with the most beautiful wings from within every time. When I let her in through the front gate, magnificence once again stood before me as she looked as beautiful as ever adorned in a light purple floral pattern sundress. When she snatched my hand in hers and brought it to her heart, it felt like I had just taken an opiate as the anxiety I felt began to melt away. I usually made up a mental list of things we could talk about when she visited me, but when I saw her and felt her beauty radiate inside me, I forgot all about what I planned to discuss.
When we reached my apartment, and after I locked the door behind us like I always did, she came into my arms and hugged me tightly. For the next few minutes we held each other as we whispered in a place we didn¡¯t have to. After a few more minutes passed while our lips met, she then began to clue me in about her strange texts this morning.
¡°I¡¯m sorry I was late, babe.¡± she said as she pulled away from our lip embrace. ¡°Did you receive my ¡°good night¡± text last night?¡±
¡°You sent me one?¡± I responded incredulously. ¡°I never received it. Even though I found it really odd I never heard from you the rest of the evening because you were with Carolyn. I just thought you got tied up, and I would¡¯ve sent you one but I was afraid to distract you.¡±
¡°Hmmm. Well, just before I left the house this morning to come see you, my husband surprisingly came home.¡± she revealed. ¡°He said he had Andrew¡¯s baseball stuff in the car.¡±
¡°Oh.¡±
¡°He looked me up and down to take notice of what I was wearing.¡± she said. ¡°I¡¯m afraid I might¡¯ve accidentally sent my ¡°good night¡± text meant for you, to him.¡±
¡°I sure hope not, babe.¡± I said as I realized the ramifications of her mistake for both of us. ¡°but then again, I guess it¡¯s possible since I never received it.¡±
¡°Sometimes¡I wish I¡¯d get caught.¡± she said. ¡°He just makes me so mad.¡±
¡°I don¡¯t think that would be a good idea.¡± I said knowing now who her husband was. ¡°I¡¯m not going anywhere, Sweetheart. So please, don¡¯t give him the power to turn your own kids against you for mistakes he¡¯s made. If it¡¯s too much of a risk to visit, I¡¯d totally understand.¡±
I nearly told her I knew who her husband was and why I did, but I felt her vulnerability. I then feared she would do the wrong thing, and choose sadness over happiness and lies over the truth. Although it was strange he came home, he probably did have Andrew¡¯s baseball gear in his car, a valid excuse if Andrew needed it for his game that evening. Then again, Jackson Caiaphas knew cheaters better than anyone because he was simply one of the greatest of all-time.
¡°Can I give Carolyn and Debbie your phone number in case I¡¯m in an accident or anything so they can get a hold of you?¡±
¡°An accident?¡± I said with great concern. ¡°Of course. Don¡¯t even think twice about it. I hope you¡¯re not in an accident or anything though. I¡¯d love to see you, but not that way.¡±
¡°Thank you.¡± she said as she came into my arms and buried herself into my chest. ¡°I love you.¡±
¡°I love you too.¡± I said as I kissed the top of her head.
Anya was obviously rattled by her husband coming home. If Jackson were to find out about us, I¡¯d still fight for her regardless of my promotion. I believed KSR valued me too much to lose me, and when the truth about him became known I trusted things would work themselves out. We kissed for a few more minutes before we decided to take our longing to my room. Although the passion was still great for each other, I restrained myself from making love to her because of the events of this morning. I knew how hard it was for me when she left my apartment so with his obvious suspicion, I didn¡¯t want to take a chance things could be equally hard on her, especially after the emotional week she had. As she laid in my arms after we let affection pour forth from our souls, she began to tell me about her trip to New York City.
¡°It¡¯s just going to be Katie and I in New York with thousands of other dancers. We¡¯re leaving tomorrow morning. We¡¯ve been busy planning our outings with other moms and dancers.¡± she said. ¡°I¡¯m excited to go because I¡¯ll have quality time with Katie. I¡¯ve booked theater tickets, museum tours and dinner reservations. It should be a lot of fun. You can text me anytime.¡±
¡°What a great mom you are.¡± I said. ¡°I think it would be pretty selfish of me to text you while you and Katie get to bond. I don¡¯t want to take you away from building great memories with her.¡±
¡°I still need to hear from you, babe.¡± she said as she leaned in to kiss me. ¡°Have you ever gone away with your mom or dad before?¡±
¡°I went on an east coast trip with my Dad for a week almost twenty years ago through Baltimore, Boston and New York City.¡± I said. ¡°It was mostly to visit baseball parks though. We saw Roger Clemens pitch as a Red Sox in Fenway Park, went to Memorial Stadium to see the Orioles play; Camden Yards was just being built, and we even caught a game at Shea Stadium, just a few years after the Mets won the World Series. We went to Yankee Stadium too, but the Yanks were out of town. I was eighteen at the time though and very introverted so I felt bad for my dad on the trip because I was in my own world experiencing it pretty much for the first time. I had my Walkman on pretty much the entire trip, so self-absorbed.¡±
¡°I¡¯m sure Katie will be the same way.¡± she said.
¡°I doubt it. You seem to have a great plan and you¡¯re closer to Katie than I was to my father.¡± I said. ¡°and you¡¯re doing everything girls like to do too.¡±
¡°We¡¯ll see.¡± she said. ¡°One thing I do know is that she¡¯ll be using an IPod instead of a Walkman. That I¡¯m definitely sure of!¡±
¡°She can borrow my Walkman; I still have it. She has to buy a couple of double A¡¯s though.¡± I joked.
¡°You¡¯re too much!¡± she laughed. ¡°Do you really still have it?¡±
¡°No I don¡¯t, I donated it to the Smithsonian while I was in New York.¡± I elaborated. ¡°Can I ask you a question. It¡¯s kind of personal.¡±
¡°Ok babe.¡± she said with a hint of reluctance in her tone.
¡°Can you even begin to realize how beautiful you are?¡± I asked. ¡°I mean there are a lot of times, like now, when I literally can¡¯t take my eyes off of you, and the crazy thing is you¡¯re just as beautiful on the inside¡if not more. You still give me butterflies even after all this time every time I see you. I could honestly say or text ¡°I love you¡± every second of the day.¡±
¡°Aww babe.¡± she said as she lowered her head shyly then leaned up to kiss me. ¡°Thank you. To answer your question, no. I feel the same way about you too, and I think that¡¯s why I still get butterflies.¡±
¡°Really?¡± I said. ¡°You do?¡±
She then got shy again and laughed heartily then softly kissed my nose as she laid her body on top of mine.
¡°I¡¯ve never met a man like you.¡± she said. ¡°You still make me blush every time you call me beautiful.¡±
¡°I think you better get used to blushing because that¡¯s all I know.¡± I said.
¡°You know I¡¯ve always believed in love, but never believed I could be so taken by someone.¡±
¡°I believe we¡¯re soulmates.¡± she said.
¡°Without a doubt. You¡¯re my soulmate. All those feelings Jesse and Jason felt for Deanna on ¡°The Bachelorette¡± pale in comparison to all I feel for you.¡± I said as I leaned in to taste her. ¡°Oh and in case you didn¡¯t know. I love you. I love you. I love you.¡±
¡°Hahaha!¡±
¡°I love you. I love you I love you.¡± I continued. ¡°See¡I can¡¯t stop saying it! Help!¡±
¡°I¡¯m not going to help you. I¡¯m your soulmate, remember?¡±
¡°Oh, That¡¯s right. I¡¯m in trouble.¡±
¡°I¡¯m so pissed off at him, babe.¡± she suddenly stated.
¡°Well in his defense, I¡¯m sure he¡¯s curious.¡± I said.
¡°Like I told you earlier sometimes I just get so mad I want him to find out.¡± ¡°What if he calls me?¡± I asked.
¡°What if he calls you?¡±
¡°Yeah. What if he has my number and decides to call?¡±
¡°We¡¯re through. I¡¯ll divorce him,¡± she said. ¡°That¡¯s crazy.¡±
¡°I think we¡¯ve already established that about him after all the times he ever decided to cheat on you.¡± I said. ¡°I think you¡¯re so used to his mental abuse; you can¡¯t even recognize it.¡±
Anya then looked up at me, smiled as her eyes became moist and softly placed her lips where my heart laid inside my chest. The one thing I noticed the most about her today, even more than her obvious physical beauty, was how she constantly smiled and laughed since she arrived, and it spoke volumes about the way she felt about her husband. It made me feel safe to know no matter his suspicions, and after her close call this morning, it didn¡¯t matter; she still came to see me. To see a guilt ridden person feel absolutely zero guilt at all towards him inspired me more as I truly believed Jackson Caiaphas only delayed the inevitable. If Anya had done this to a flawed yet faithful husband, I would feel absolutely ashamed and be in full scold mode, but this was a vastly different scenario; she was no Francesca Johnson. He was successful in business but he failed as a husband, as her protector, and to me he failed in life because I believed being a husband and being a decent man was the most important thing to be successful at in this world. The fact whenever he told her he ¡°loved¡± her and she refused to reciprocate told me Jackson Caiaphas was in complete denial; in denial of all he did, and in denial of who he truly was. A figment of even his own imagination. He made her unhappy by cheating on her for years and now when given the chance to right a wrong for her, he instead decided he would make her more miserable as he hung on and watched her in the hope she stumbled in a feigned effort in the audience of their children to save someone he had already shot dead. I felt Anya did not owe it to anyone to recover her feelings for him, including her children because of all the years of emotional abuse she endured. I felt she had every right to leave him and even more of a right to find love with someone who truly cared, who truly appreciated her, and who truly knew better than to ever make the mistakes he made. Although I was only flesh and blood, my soul protruded from my physical being in the form of the truth, and I planned to stay in that form until the very end as only a piece of paper and the judging eyes of society bound her to him.
After my left arm pulled her back into bed with me about five times before I was finally able to say good-bye to her, and as I walked out to the gate with her soft cool hand tightly in mine, I thought about the schism between how great I felt now, and how I would feel when the loneliness of my apartment got loud later. Her smile and laughter after her frantic morning however made it all worth it, as I learned and felt my importance in her life.
When I returned to my apartment, I went into my room to lie down, and began to daydream about another great moment that could make the top ten moments list in my life. About a half hour later I received a text from her.
1:27 p.m.
¡°Hi! Just leaving! I had a great time! Thanks for all the great things u said about me today. Still get shy.¡±
ME: ¡°Don¡¯t get shy, babe. They¡¯re easy to say because they come from the heart.¡±
Her text brought me concern. She left my apartment complex a half hour ago yet she informed me she was just leaving? Roughly another half hour passed when she text me again.
2:04 p.m.
¡°Where r u?¡±
ME: ¡°I¡¯m here at my apartment, babe. Where r u?¡±
ANYA: ¡°Call me.¡±
I immediately phoned her.
¡°Hi babe. Are you still here?¡± I asked when she picked up.
¡°I¡¯m at the mall just down the street. I¡¯m inside Nordstrom¡¯s¡± she informed me. ¡°Babe, I think my husband is following me. I think he¡¯s waiting for me outside the store.¡±
¡°Don¡¯t leave the store.¡± I instructed. ¡°I¡¯ll be right there.¡±
CHAPTER 3 ~ ALL I KNOW
¡°If I ran away, I¡¯d never have the strength to go very far.
How will they hear the beating of my heart?¡±
~ ¡°Live to Tell¡± Madonna
Worry filled my heart, no longer caring if Jackson found out the truth if he hypocritically stalked his wife to set out to put an end to her happiness¡ªthe same man who would trade her in for two twenty-year-olds when she turns forty. Even if I had a bullet with my name on it, I did not fear him. Not that I wanted it to ever come down to that, but I¡¯d take it head on¡ªI was more than ready to face the consequences of my decision to fall in love. Shakespeare even amid his wildest opium induced hallucinations never dared to create a character like me; fearless and accountable bearing a soul not from this century, but from a much earlier time, if at all. My actions always backed my words even if it meant the end of my life--if the universe planned it for me that way. I knew if I died for love, we would be together one day for eternity, so death was something I never feared when it came to Anya. I believed one had to be willing to put their lives literally on the line for love to truly understand the meaning of it all, and all I felt for Anya was truly as real as it got as I walked right into the fire.
I feared for Anya, and I feared for her children. Those were my only concerns. If he wanted to confront someone, he needed to confront me. Anya told him the score long before she met me so I felt this was more about his ego than her happiness. Landyn Lastman wasn¡¯t going to run like Lance, the romantic singer did. The one I loved, the one who loved me forever, asked me to fight for her and I promised her I would, even in the face of my demise. I knew all Jackson truly cared about was his perception and his image to those around him. What people would think of him; not what he would think of himself.
From her visits I knew they had two cars; a blue BMW and a gray SUV. For some unknown reason I had a photographic memory when it came to numbers and small letter sequences so I memorized the license plates for each vehicle. I found the letter order easy to remember for both, HLK and PED, so if I saw the other car in the mall¡¯s parking lot outside of the store I knew it was him. My plan was to direct her when I located him, and if he was there possibly approach him. I didn¡¯t believe he knew it was me he sought so I thought I could ask him what he was doing waiting in the parking lot, and if he cared about his image enough like I believed he did, he¡¯d be inclined to just drive off. Then Anya could get in her car and head back home. As I drove through the parking lot in search of a blue Beemer with the HLK license plate letters sequence, not one time did I think ¡°what the hell did I get myself into?¡± For true love, to save her heart from a certain life of unhappiness, I felt this was my duty. I had lived a life without meaning forever, so this was a welcomed change; a change more valuable than money, and more important than my reputation.
After I scoured a good portion of the parking lot outside Nordstrom¡¯s for nearly twenty minutes, I did not see any sign of her husband. As I found her car and parked mine next to hers, I sent a text to inform her the coast was clear. I then waited a few minutes for her to appear and to get inside her car. Once inside she blew me a kiss then quickly drove off as I then thanked the Universe for its mercy.
I text her about a half hour later to see if she made it home without incident.
3:56 p.m.
"I did. That was very sweet of you to watch my car. Thank you for looking out for me. Ur an amazing guy! Random but have you seen "The Bodyguard"? Kevin Costner and Whitney Houston? I miss u."
ME: ¡°Ha! Never seen that movie. No need to thank me, babe. We¡¯re in this together. You shouldn¡¯t have to face this alone. You told me earlier you feared an ¡°accident¡± and wanted the girls to have my phone number so I didn¡¯t know what he¡¯d do. I was worried he might get physical.¡±
ANYA: ¡°I wasn¡¯t worried about that. He¡¯s not violent. I just didn¡¯t want confrontation. Thank you for watching my back!¡±
ME: ¡°Well, you never know. If he¡¯s crazy enough to follow you, I think he¡¯s capable of anything. I couldn¡¯t live with myself if he did anything to you so I couldn¡¯t take that chance. I had to make sure you were okay.¡±
ANYA: ¡°I¡¯m glad you did. You¡¯re right, u never know plus u showed me you care! I love how you never take anything for granted.¡±
ME: ¡°Of course I care and I don¡¯t take anything for granted! I love you!¡±
There are consequences for every decision we make in this life, and I didn¡¯t want confrontation as much as she did. My goal wasn¡¯t to confront Jackson at all because I dreaded it would only escalate things. I felt it better to stay quiet, respectful and to just let them talk it out. I just feared he would hurt her if there were any crazy ¡°egotions¡± involved which made me want to confront him. I truly didn¡¯t care what happened to me; to die for love would be an honor, but if something happened to Anya, it would happen to me too. I understood a man being vocal about things but not physical. Men were for the most part by nature physically superior to women so what would there be to prove? I think it¡¯s the one thing women trusted all men never to do because of that fact, especially women in love who let their guard down. I disliked Jackson Caiaphas only as Anya¡¯s husband, and regardless if I felt he fell far short as a husband if he couldn¡¯t understand how his philandering ways could hurt others, there were still two kids who thought the world of him. I didn¡¯t want his kids to hate him, if anything all I wanted was for them to understand one day why their mom loved me. If I were to get in a scuffle with Jackson Caiaphas, I would not only lose Anya¡¯s heart but also the respect of their children, and I knew this.
Later that evening Andrew had a baseball game so it made sense why Jackson came home to drop off his baseball gear if she took him to his games. When the game finished, Anya informed me her son¡¯s team lost in a very close elimination game and how hard it was for her to watch the boys cry. It brought me back to my old all-star baseball games and how bad I felt when my team was eliminated. When she arrived home after dinner out, Anya text me again as she packed.
8:09 p.m.
¡°We have 5 suitcases between the two of us! One 4 shoes, one 4 make up, one 4 costumes, and two 4 clothes! Sick huh? I always overpack! I can¡¯t help it!¡±
For two girls it sounded like pretty par for the course, but what the hell did I know? Seven days was a long time and with so many events, I¡¯m sure she needed all the clothes in case something came out of the blue. I didn¡¯t want to disrupt her trip preparations so I texted her goodnight.
When the morning arrived, I sent her a text to wish her a safe trip. Since ¡°Nine-Eleven¡± I always worried about air travel especially flights to New York even though I¡¯ve flown many times since then however the difference was now I feared to lose her.
8:48 a.m.
¡°Good morning handsome! Thank you! Getting ready to take off soon! I miss you too! I love you forever!¡±
Handsome; it always took me by surprise whenever she text or said it to me. I didn¡¯t blush like she did, but it did hang in midair every time she did as I still found it hard to believe someone I was so attracted to felt the same way about me.
As I thought about her throughout my entire work day, she sent me a text at around 8 p.m. New York time to let me know I was on her mind as well.
4:56 p.m.
¡°Hi babe! How was ur day? Just settling in and getting ready for dinner. I love this city! It¡¯s electric! I miss you!¡±
After I read her words, I knew this was going to be a hard week on me for the simple fact my heart was in New York City as I ached to be in the same ¡°electric¡± city around the most electric person I¡¯d ever met. Her trip allowed me to dream and hurt at the same time because I wanted so badly to be around her energy, and it even led me to wonder if this break came at the best or the worst possible time for us. I felt our love for each other was at its apex before she left, her disgust with Jackson at a crescendo; almost at the point of leaving him for good, but then came a respite from him thousands of miles away in a fun atmosphere most certainly on his dime. I began to fear this trip could act as a buffer between her disgust and her fear which took on the identity of a much needed break from any further dismay with his suspicions. It then led me to feel if this trip didn¡¯t happen she might have asked for a separation, but now it more than likely cooled down her anger for him especially if he covered the itinerary. Then again maybe this trip could only make her miss me more because of the splendor of the city.
8:08 p.m.
¡°Hi! Just finished dinner! Weather is great! Tank top weather! Not humid! Perfect 4 late nite strolling! Wish u were here! I miss u so much!¡±
When I visited New York years ago, my biggest peeve was the humidity, but even if the humidity was one hundred percent, I¡¯d still want to jump on a red eye flight so we could stroll together. Just to look at her with the city lights as a backdrop and a New York moon, what seemed like the simplest of all dreams, would simply make my lifetime. As much as I wanted to surprise her, it would only detract from her time with Katie so I thought of the only other romantic thing I could do.
¡°Oh my god! I can¡¯t believe you called me! Hi baby!¡± Anya said excitedly.
¡°It¡¯s the least I can do don¡¯t you think?¡± I said. ¡°Are you tired, Sweetheart? What time do the competitions start tomorrow?¡±
¡°I¡¯m not too tired! They don¡¯t start dancing until Sunday. Tomorrow we¡¯re taking the girls to the American Museum of Natural History where they filmed ¡°Night at the Museum¡± and to Central Park. I¡¯m also taking Katie to tenements for some education the following day where she¡¯ll meet real live immigrants¡old Jewish immigrants. With her Bat mitzvah coming up, I thought it would be good to show her their history and living conditions when they immigrated to New York. We also have an early dinner tomorrow night then we¡¯re going to see ¡®Grease¡± on Broadway! The girls are then dancing from Sunday through Thursday. I miss you.¡±
¡°Oh wow! You guys are booked solid! How cool! I miss you too. It¡¯s hard to believe just yesterday you were in my arms and now you¡¯re on the other side of the continent. I had such a great time with you.¡±
¡°I had a great time too. Hard to believe it was just yesterday.¡± she said softly. ¡°I wish I was in your arms tonight. I love you.¡±
¡°What I wouldn¡¯t give to have you in them.¡± I said. ¡°I love you too.¡±
¡°Well babe, it¡¯s one a.m. here and I have to get up in four hours to work out. So I will say goodnight now. I love you forever.¡±
¡°Sweet dreams. I love you forever too. Goodnight.¡±
After I got off the phone and although I was much less fatigued than she was, I easily fell asleep.
The next morning Anya text me pretty early since she was three hours ahead. Her excitement permeated my phone screen as she found a natural market just two blocks from her hotel and enjoyed fruit smoothies for breakfast. Finding a natural market was a big deal for Anya as she was a vegetarian and would probably run on empty until dinner time if she didn¡¯t. Even though she always brought snacks and water every time she travelled, she needed some real fuel to get her through her busy itinerary. She then apologized for ¡°pooping¡± out on me last night even though she didn¡¯t need to, but I guess she felt bad because she stayed up until two a.m. and could have talked to me more. Even so if it was me after a day of travel, I wouldn¡¯t be much of a fun conversationalist, but I appreciated her sweet thought.
A little later that afternoon she sent me a text and again it got me thinking.
3:20 p.m.
¡°Wish u were here! I love u!¡±
When I received this one from her, I began to think about her trip to Palm Springs and remembered how I believed maybe she hoped I¡¯d find a way to surprise her with a visit. My heart began to beat erratically when I considered the possibility of flying out there. Money was never an issue when it came to seeing her as I was in great financial shape, and I could even take my work with me if I needed to, but I reined myself in when I again thought of her daughter, and therefore could not rationalize it. I felt if I knew Katie, it would be different, but I didn¡¯t. When I attended her recital, I was there in support of her and not to mention invited, but if I went to New York City, I wasn¡¯t invited for one, and two, it truly lacked support for Katie. It just wouldn¡¯t have been right no matter how romantic it would have been for Anya and I so I nixed the idea once again; one of the hardest things I ever had to convince myself of not doing.
8:05 p.m.
¡°Hi! How r u? What r u doing?¡±
When I received Anya¡¯s Friday night text, I was ecstatic. My Friday nights were usually spent alone, missing her and never hearing from her to no fault of her own. As small of a gesture Anya probably thought it was, it loomed large in my heart and saved me from an evening of despair.
ME: ¡°Hi! Just hanging here at my place. How was ¡°Grease¡±? Did the girls enjoy it? Did you end up bringing your laptop?¡±
ANYA: ¡°Show was great! The girls loved it! Yes I did. I just have too much going on; I haven¡¯t been on it since I arrived though! I c tons of emails but ignoring them. I miss u.¡±
ME: ¡°I miss u too.¡±
ANYA: ¡°When I c couples strolling holding hands I think of us. I wonder maybe someday¡¡±
I hadn¡¯t seen her string the words ¡°maybe someday¡± together in a while. Of course, I would have rather seen just ¡°someday¡± but I waved my sensitive mind off to the semantics of her dream.
ME: ¡°You know what¡¯s funny? Just yesterday I saw this couple that couldn¡¯t stop looking at each other. I was like¡I know exactly how that feels. That is sooo Anya and me!¡±
ANYA: ¡°So us! OMG! I saw the same thing yesterday! They finally said ¡°I love u¡± to each other and walked away. I thought it was cute!¡±
ME: ¡°Maybe it¡¯s because I¡¯m in love now so I¡¯ve never taken notice of them before, but it seems like I¡¯m always surrounded by public displays of affection these days. I see it all the time.¡±
ANYA: ¡°I know me too! It¡¯s like getting a new car and noticing more of them on the road!¡±
ME: ¡°That¡¯s a perfect analogy! I think the universe does this sometimes to make us feel closer when we can¡¯t be so we don¡¯t feel sad all the time. I guess that¡¯s what I¡¯d like to believe. You must be so tired, and I¡¯m sure you have to get up early to run. I should let you go. I love you.¡±
ANYA: ¡°Yeah, I should get to bed. It¡¯s going to be a long day tomorrow. It¡¯s so very hard to say goodbye to you. I love you too.¡±
ME: ¡°It¡¯s especially hard after our day together on Wednesday. I couldn¡¯t stop telling you ¡°I love you¡±. It just overflowed.¡±
ANYA: ¡°It¡¯s overwhelming. When we held each other the other day I felt so much love. I don¡¯t remember ever feeling the way I did on Wednesday.¡±
ME: ¡°Me too. Not even close.¡±
ANYA: ¡°Just amazing we felt the same way! Uh oh. I just got a warning from Katie to turn the light off and to stop texting! We¡¯re sharing a room, babe. So, I better say goodnight! I love u.¡±
ME: ¡°My apologies to Katie! Goodnight! I love u too!¡±
When we ended out textversation, my loneliness suddenly became more pronounced as I imagined her away from me in this energetic city surrounded by many people and things to do. Even with all this love in my heart, there were times now I¡¯ve never felt so removed from life as it began to feel more permanent no matter how many times I told myself it was only temporary. I could never tell Anya about this helplessness I began to feel because she would only grasp at it out of fear and then choose unhappiness forever. I could never share with her how these times slowly broke me down, and killed me inside as she seemed to always be surrounded by people while I was only surrounded by objects. I couldn¡¯t take her away from New York City so I had to take myself out of this apartment as it even became too difficult to visit my mother. I needed to be around experiences and people too just so I could feel like a part of the human race even if only for a couple of hours, but I just didn¡¯t have the slightest clue where to go. Anya however helped me with this dilemma the next morning.
7:19 a.m.
¡°Good morning Handsome! Getting ready to take off for the day! Tenement tour, lunch and shopping! I miss u like crazy! I held my pillow last night! FYI the girls are going to Paseo¡¯s tonight in case you were planning to go. If I could be there, I would. ¡°Our office¡±.¡±
Paseo¡¯s; my forgotten sanctuary. A place I hadn¡¯t visited since a most eventful January evening six months ago. ¡°Our Office¡±, the empty room we disappeared to, a place we made our own and filled with our feelings, a refuge that resonated loudly when she asked me if I would fight for her. Since the girls were there I wanted to go, but there was a problem; Mitch would probably be there too. To be in the same place her good friends were though trumped my fear of a confrontation with Mitch as being around them made me feel closer to my love, and I wanted that more than anything. I just had to get out of my apartment as I needed to be around people so I didn¡¯t feel so alone, and if I couldn¡¯t be with Anya then her friends were the next best thing.
Later that afternoon she text me again with something new from her; an unexpected hopeful message.
12:13 p.m.
¡°Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the number of moments that take our breath away. ~ Anonymous. Great tour! How¡¯s ur day going?¡±
ME: ¡°That was beautiful, babe. It¡¯s going well! Did you do any shopping?¡±
ANYA: ¡°Yes we did in SoHo! Having lunch now and the girls want to go to ¡°5th Avenue¡±. So off we go! I told C & D you would be there tonight. Worried about SE.¡±
ME: ¡°Please tell them not to worry about Mitch, I won¡¯t let him cause them any trouble. Have a great time shopping!¡±
ANYA: ¡°K babe. I love you.¡±
A few hours later, she text me again, and once again it made me want to fly out to feel her in my arms.
4:48 p.m.
¡°Hi! Just got back to the hotel! Tired! Ok, I can¡¯t afford to live in this city w/Katie! Have to go out to dinner in an hour then going to the Empire State Building after to c the city all lit up! Miss u!¡±
Now I knew I¡¯d miss her even more than I already did. What I wouldn¡¯t have given to be with her there, to look upon that picturesque city with someone who defined the word beautiful in my same line of sight rather than gutted with an empty feeling inside, lost in a crowd at Paseo¡¯s. I only hoped she knew where I¡¯d rather be, so I made sure she did.
ME: ¡°Hi babe. I know my body is going to be at Paseo¡¯s tonight, but my heart and mind will be with you on the Empire State Building wishing I was there holding you and telling you how much I love you along with all the reasons why I do. Being with you is always the place I¡¯d rather be. I miss you. I love you with all my heart. You¡¯re always on my mind baby, and I¡¯m sure the night is beautiful where you are simply because you¡¯re out in it! I love you forever!¡±
ANYA: ¡°Hi babe! At Nobu having dinner! I was just thinking about u! That¡¯s very sweet! Thank you! You always say the sweetest things! Blushing! How I¡¯d love to have u with me on top of the world! The night is beautiful! I miss you very much! I love you forever! Xoxo!¡±
Two hours later, after this textchange, I found myself back at Paseo¡¯s for the first time
in six months. As I scanned the bar scene around me, within a span of just a few minutes I realized beyond my hope nothing changed as Mitch leaned over the bar just thirty feet in front of me. I then looked to my left and saw Carolyn and Debbie both seated at a table by themselves. When I saw them I walked over to give them each a hug, and relayed to Debbie the whereabouts of her arch nemesis. After a few minutes of small talk, I excused myself as I felt nostalgic and visited the same empty room Anya and I retreated to the last time we were there. After I escaped into its silence, I looked around then closed my eyes to imagine her in front of me with the same look in her sad eyes asking me if I would fight for her as I felt even stronger today about my affirmative response. I hung out in ¡°our office¡± for a good twenty minutes before I returned to the bar scene to face the night alone.
The very moment I stepped out though was the very moment I wish I had done an about face instead as Mitch now stood in my path.
¡°I knew you¡¯d be back.¡± he told me before I could pass.
¡°I¡¯m just here, Mitch.¡± I said. ¡°I¡¯m not ¡°back.¡±¡±
¡°You¡¯re still with her?¡± he asked in an incredulous tone.
¡°I¡¯m still seeing her.¡± I said.
¡°Is she still with her husband?¡±
¡°She¡¯s still married¡if that¡¯s what you mean.¡±
As my irritation increased with every hypocritical question I fielded, we were suddenly interrupted by a thin woman with a cherub face and long straight dark hair.
¡°Would you take our picture?¡± she asked as she handed Mitch her camera phone and pointed to her three other friends.
¡°Why, certainly.¡± he said as he got lost in her for a moment then took the camera without hesitation.
He then quickly positioned them with hand motions as to get them properly aligned together for the picture.
¡°Say Gouda! Or whatever cheese it is you girls like!¡± he said as he snapped a few shots.
¡°Ok¡all done!¡±
¡°Thank you!¡± she said excitedly as Mitch handed back her phone.
¡°My pleasure!¡±
I waited for the Mitch I knew to pop up, a pickup line to follow his good deed or maybe some crude or crass remark, but I was left in shock when Mitch didn¡¯t utter a word, as we watched them begin to walk away. This seemed like a totally new guy; a Mitch I never knew as it was nice to see a change in the way he treated women.
¡°Hey!¡± said the girl as she looked at her phone and walked back towards us.
¡°Is something wrong?¡± Mitch asked.
¡°Where are my friends?¡±
¡°Your friends? What do ya mean?¡±
¡°Yeah, my friends!¡± she exclaimed. ¡°I¡¯m the only one you can see in the pic. It¡¯s like they¡¯re cropped out!¡±
¡°Wait.¡± he said as he grabbed her phone to look at the pic then looked back at her with a look of skepticism. ¡°You were with friends?¡±
¡°What? Yes!!¡± she said as she pointed over at them. ¡°You positioned all of us for the pic!¡±
¡°You¡¯re the only one I saw though, baby.¡± he responded as the Mitch I knew reemerged.
¡°We¡¯ll have someone else take a pic for us.¡± she sighed as she returned to her friends and walked off.
¡°Anyway. Congratulations.¡± he said as he shifted his attention back to me. ¡°You just entered ninety-two eight territory, Land.¡±
¡°Ninety-two eight?¡±
¡°Yep. Ninety-two eight.¡± he repeated. ¡°After six months, it¡¯s now a ninety-two percent chance she stays with the jerk, and an eight percent chance she leaves.¡±
¡°Whatever.¡±
¡°And every month that passes from this point on, your chances of her leaving decrease by two percent.¡± he said.
¡°So you¡¯re telling me if she¡¯s still there in November, we¡¯re done.¡±
¡°I think so. Let me see.¡± he said as he began to do the math in his head and with his fingers. ¡°Yeah, that¡¯s right. I think. Somewhere around the holidays for sure.¡±
¡°There¡¯s a lot you don¡¯t know, Mitch. I believe you¡¯re wrong, but that¡¯s okay.¡± I responded ¡°I¡¯ve come to learn ignorance is your strong suit.¡±
Right after those words were spoken, I felt my pocket move against my thigh. I then excused myself from a conversation with his unawareness, and went back into the peace of our office so I could read her text.
9:27 p.m.
¡°Still on top of the Empire! It¡¯s beautiful! Wishing u were here! Remember King Kong?¡±
As silly as it sounded, when she mentioned ¡°King Kong¡± I got a little choked up. After I shared with her my affinity for the movie, I felt embarrassed I ever mentioned it, even upset with myself I did. When I read her text though, a low self-esteem part of me I felt ashamed of was accepted, and it got to me because this acceptance didn¡¯t just come from anyone, it came from someone I loved dearly and opened myself completely up to.
ME: ¡°I wish I was there too! I thought it was a really romantic scene when they were on the Empire State Building together as the sun rose. I was going to mention King Kong to you but thought you might laugh since I¡¯m probably the only person on earth who views the movie as a love story rather than a monster movie.¡±
ANYA: ¡°Never baby!¡±
ME: ¡°How¡¯s the night lookin¡¯ and feelin¡¯ from on top of the world?¡±
ANYA: ¡°The moon is full and beautiful! Weather is perfect! To know this feeling is to know the perfect breeze on a cool summer night. No justice here! I miss u.¡±
ME: ¡°No justice here either, and even though we¡¯re far apart, we¡¯re still under the same moon. I miss u too.
As I walked out of ¡°our office¡± once again, with the thought of her on top of the Empire State Building without me, I realized I was with the outside world yet still lonesome. Paseo¡¯s lacked the same feeling before I met Anya, and being there just reminded me of her as if I was alone at my apartment. From the minute I arrived, I couldn¡¯t bring myself to have a good time regardless of the attendance of Mitch or her friends. Before I left I wanted to say good-bye to Carolyn and Debbie, but as I sought them out I came upon an unexpected sight. Across the way in a two-person booth was Carolyn talking closely with another man. He sat across from her in the same booth however they both leaned over the table as if their lips were about to touch when they talked. I then recognized this man as one I had met before; one of the two police officers introduced to me the last time I was there. The intimacy of their conversation froze me, and as I continued to look out of surprise, Carolyn suddenly broke her gaze from her interest into mine. I quickly turned away and even felt bad, but what I saw was like knowing the driver of the car involved in a huge wreck on the side of the freeway. At that point I decided it was best to head out for the evening. As I walked outside and felt the cool thin air blow against my arms, my pocket moved against my leg once more.
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10:27 p.m.
¡°Just got in! Better turn in b/c running central park w/friends early in the morn! B safe and have a great time! I love you forever!¡±
I wanted to tell her what I had just witnessed, but thought it wrong of me to throw Carolyn under the bus so I only text her back to wish her a goodnight. The next morning however Anya¡¯s text brought the event of the evening to the forefront.
9:40 a.m.
¡°Good morning! How was last night? Debbie said it was a ¡°weird¡± night! Don¡¯t know what she means by that. What¡¯s up?¡±
I didn¡¯t know how to respond. I didn¡¯t want to lie to her, but at the same time I didn¡¯t want to sell Carolyn out. I felt if Carolyn wanted Anya to know, she would tell her as I believed she eventually would if she hadn¡¯t already. They were friends, and I felt something like that should come from Carolyn, not from me. In the same breath, I felt as if I betrayed my best friend by not telling her why it was a ¡°weird¡± night.
ME: ¡°It was okay. Ran into Mitch. Yeah, it was a weird night. I ended up leaving pretty early.¡±
ANYA: ¡°Ok, can you explain ¡°weird¡±? Why is everyone being so evasive?¡±
I burned inside to ask her how come a friend who is ¡°madly¡± in love with her husband and who is ¡°happily¡± married is seeing someone outside her marriage and did she think they would now still ¡°advise¡± her to stay for the kids? It disturbed me this could even happen if those statements were true. The real tragedy though was it seemed Carolyn thought it was more than okay if she believed Anya was doing the same thing under the same set of circumstances.
ME: ¡°I think it¡¯s something Carolyn and Debbie should talk to you about.¡±
ANYA: ¡°Too late. She just told me. I¡¯m sad b/c I don¡¯t want Carolyn to think it¡¯s totally ok. You and I are in a very rare and special situation and I don¡¯t want her to take it lightly. I don¡¯t know how to exactly feel about this. Today is a dance day and I¡¯ll be in and out.¡±
ME: ¡°Do you know how long she¡¯s been seeing him?¡±
ANYA: ¡°No, but she¡¯s known him for a while.¡±
I didn¡¯t know what to make of it as well, but it sure made me want Anya to come clean to them about the real reason she was seeing me. Then again it was Jackson Caiaphas, and she must feel if he had a bad public image money could be harder to come by for their family. Still, I think it validated my belief she needed to be more honest about the depth of our relationship to them so they wouldn¡¯t think what we were doing was entirely fine to do if she couldn¡¯t tell them the real reason we were together.
4:36 p.m.
¡°Hi! R u there? I have about 20 minutes before I have to leave again. Can you call me?¡±
¡°Hi Sweetheart.¡± I said when I first heard her voice when she answered her phone.
¡°I don¡¯t know how to feel about all of this.¡± she said in response.
As we talked about Carolyn¡¯s night, I wanted to mention I knew he was the police officer she introduced me to, but I felt Anya would have shared it with me if she wanted me to know so I let it go. Apparently,, this relationship had been going on for some time and was why she met for spills when Carolyn needed to talk. It led me to further wonder if Debbie had another man in her life as well, but I never saw evidence of it, and it was not my place to ask. The part I had the hardest time digesting was how come these ¡°happily¡± married women, who were ¡°madly¡± in love with their husbands, were cheating? I know Carolyn had been cheated on by her husband before, but she was still madly in love with her husband; Anya was not. That¡¯s why I felt it was important for them to know the truth why I was in her life and how a love like ours was not an everyday occurrence. It did bring to light one other thing for me; it appeared they were more concerned with their perceived image to each other than being honest with each other as I could now better understand how I was Anya¡¯s best friend.
I further learned there was another friend with Carolyn and Debbie last night, Reese, a woman I had never met and was described as being a ¡°mother hen¡± to the girls. Anya informed me Reese lit into Carolyn about her tryst and was also upset when Carolyn appeared to ditch her. Anya told me she felt responsible because she ¡°gets away with it¡± and therefore Carolyn thinks it¡¯s okay, but it¡¯s not okay unless you¡¯re willing to risk ¡°everything¡±, and again if ¡°everything¡± truly was everything, people would never risk it as they were only risking the perception of everything, but not the reality. If you¡¯re willing to risk everything, then it¡¯s no longer ¡°everything¡±.
¡°Babe?¡± she asked.
¡°Yes?¡±
¡°We will go to the Empire State Building together one day.¡± she stated.
¡°Yes, we will.¡± I said without hesitation.
¡°Promise me we will go?¡±
¡°I promise one day we will go to the Empire State Building.¡±
¡°I love you forever.¡±
The other night she said ¡°maybe someday¡±, but now the ¡°maybe¡± which bothered me a little at the time vanished, replaced with a ¡°will¡±. This simple yet powerful word brought a big smile to my face, and when we got off the phone after a very positive conversation, she text me again just minutes later to further drive the point home.
5:00 p.m.
¡°I love you!!!¡±
And then again fifty-seven minutes later.
5:57 p.m.
¡°Forever!!!¡±
For a man who felt eternally damned to never feel love at all in his life, texts like this meant the universe to me. They were simple yet significant; only three to four words long yet stretched out to infinity. I believed at this point, she would find a way for us to be together as not only my hope but also my expectations rose higher than ever. I believed the pain when we were apart from each other now was too great, and if we ended ¡°us¡±, life would morph into less than dull. I held strongly to my faith that further persistence, love, patience and understanding would eventually bring us home and into an embrace for eternity.
Later that same evening, even while in New York City and at a very busy time, Anya still found a way to touch me with her thoughtfulness.
8:42 p.m.
¡°Hi! Just finished and back in the room! Exhausted! Katie did very well on her solo as well as her group numbers! What r u doing? It was nice to hear your voice today.¡±
ME: ¡°That¡¯s great! I¡¯m very happy for Katie! Hearing your voice made my day, babe. Just got off the phone with my mom. I miss you.¡±
ANYA: ¡°How¡¯s your mom?¡±
ME: ¡°She had a CT scan today to determine if the lesions have grown. They didn¡¯t find any further growths or new lesions so she¡¯s doing well. Thanks for asking, babe.¡±
ANYA: ¡°Do you know what part of the brain it has spread to? How is her orientation? Has her ability to communicate been affected? Can she recognize her surroundings? Person, place, time, date etc.? When the brain is affected the pressure can affect her cognition.¡±
ME: ¡°I¡¯m sorry I may have confused you sweetheart, but the lesions are actually on her skull. It hasn¡¯t spread to her brain so her orientation is good.¡±
ANYA: ¡°Oh, I¡¯m sorry. I didn¡¯t mean to overstep my boundaries. I have no right.¡±
ME: ¡°You have no boundaries with me, and you have every right in the world. Not only are you the woman I love, but you¡¯re also my best friend.¡±
ANYA: ¡°It¡¯s just so personal, and I don¡¯t know your mom. I didn¡¯t know how you felt about it.¡±
ME: ¡°You know me. You love me. You care about me. That¡¯s all you need to know. Your thoughtfulness is what sets you apart from any girl I¡¯ve ever known.¡±
ANYA: ¡°K. Will keep that in mind. Going to turn in now. Holding my pillow, missing u.¡±
ME: ¡°I¡¯ll be holding mine too. Good night, Beautiful.¡±
Just one of those times in our relationship where she didn¡¯t have to tell me she loved me; it was just understood.
When day five of her time in New York City arrived, Anya seemed to be frustrated by her lack of available time.
9:14 a.m.
¡°Good morning! I¡¯ve been really busy catering to Katie! I¡¯m discovering I will not have much free time. I have to take her breakfast, snacks and lunch when time. The girls and moms are drumming up a shopping trip after dance and dinner plans so there goes my day. It doesn¡¯t matter what time I get up, I run out of time! I¡¯ve been up every morning at 4:30 NY time and running on very little sleep. I have good music with me though! How r u?¡±
I loved when I heard from her but I also understood her dilemma, and I didn¡¯t want her to feel bad if she didn¡¯t have time to text or call me. Her visit to New York City wasn¡¯t about her time spent with me, but about time spent with her daughter. I told her to just enjoy the city as much as she could, and she told me she would. She then informed me Katie auditioned for a scholarship that morning and won her regional.
9:28 a.m.
¡°Doesn¡¯t mean much but pumps her ego some more! The funny thing about these competitions is these girls are here b/c they want to pursue a career in dance and theater. Katie has no interest. She¡¯s just having fun!¡±
From my experience, growing up with a father who used to beat me down at my lowest points in life, I felt anything that pumped up Katie¡¯s ego was a good thing as long as she remained humble. The world is a cruel and competitive place, and having a high sense of self-worth was imperative for survival. I then thought of her own father and feared maybe there was no humility which helped explain if Anya had an exception with anything that pumped up her ego. When she mentioned Katie had no interest in pursuing a career in dance and theater though, I felt this sure was a long way to go, and a lot of money to spend just for giggles.
Later that afternoon, I text Anya to see how her day was going.
1:08 a.m.
¡°Hi! I was just thinking of you! Shopping in NY is dangerous!!! How r u?¡±
ME: ¡°I¡¯m good! I came home for lunch and crashed on my bed. Please be careful babe, lots of pickpockets in NY! You have to keep your eye on your purse at all times.¡±
ANYA: ¡°I¡¯m jealous! I wish we were together right now! Yea I have to watch my purse alright¡from Katie!¡±
ME: ¡°Oh then you got nothing to worry about then. It¡¯s empty. Katie is your own insurance policy against theft. You¡¯re covered.¡±
ANYA: ¡°You¡¯re funny! I have too many loud teens around me. Deterrent! I love you!¡±
ME: ¡°Who needs to worry about being robbed when you¡¯re surrounded by teenage girls? The thieves are more in danger of being robbed! I love you too!¡±
ANYA: ¡°Ur sooo right! U know ur pretty funny!¡±
When I heard of Anya¡¯s struggle to keep her purse away from Katie, it made me realize how much I enjoyed being around the innocence of kids. I remembered when I was her age whenever I knew my mom had money how excited I would be. I somehow believed her money was mine, completely blind from the knowledge of how hard my mother worked for me to just take from her all she had. I knew Anya was the type of mother, who like my own would give to her kids without question because she wanted to see her children happy. Kids had the rest of their lifetimes to be miserable, and that¡¯s the last thing a childhood should ever be. I had a father though who reined me in because we weren¡¯t well off, and at the time it bothered me whenever he did, but now I saw the importance to know in life money is a valuable commodity; something earned, and not simply given. When I read her text, I didn¡¯t question Anya¡¯s parenting skills because my mother did the same thing so I looked at it as a mother¡¯s love in the face of other mothers on this trip who were giving their kids the same levity, however it did bring out the fear that Anya was more a friend than a parent, which could work against us ever being together.
6:03 p.m.
¡°Hi! Out to dinner! Missing u.¡±
I didn¡¯t know how she did it. Anya was out to dinner at nine p.m. New York time after a long day of activities as it brought to light how beat she must have been considering she woke up between four thirty and five every morning.
ME: ¡°I miss you too. Are you going to see a show after dinner with the girls?¡±
ANYA: ¡°Actually no! I¡¯m sure the girls will want to hang out in one of the rooms though. Want to come over? JK!¡±
ME: ¡°Believe me, I thought about it! I had to reel myself in I miss you so much.¡±
ANYA: ¡°You don¡¯t even know how much I miss u! Missed opportunity?¡±
ME: ¡°It appears so. I really wanted to come out and surprise you, especially when you told me you were going to the Empire State Building.¡±
ANYA: ¡°U should have! U know I would have made time!¡±
ME: ¡°I think it would have been a challenge because you were with Katie, and you already had enough things to juggle over there. I didn¡¯t want to take you away from her. I felt it would be selfish of me. Next time.¡±
ANYA: ¡°Next time, babe.¡±
That was the last text I received from her on this particular evening, and I was disappointed I didn¡¯t hear from her again, even just to wish me a goodnight, but at the same time I completely understood. She was with a huge group. She was with her daughter. Not to mention, she was exhausted too so I just went to bed, however I couldn¡¯t sleep when I realized she could have sent my text to her husband again. When my phone unexpectedly began to dance on my nightstand, I sprang up and sprawled across my bed to retrieve it.
2:07 a.m.
¡°I¡¯m sorry about last nite. I crashed! I know it¡¯s early but I¡¯m leaving to go running w/friends then to dance. I¡¯m sorry I didn¡¯t say goodnight. I think about you every time I have a beautiful moment here. I¡¯ll text u later. I love u!¡±
With that simple gesture, evidence of our connection, I soundly fell asleep. She then text me again a little over five hours later.
7:30 a.m.
¡°Good morning! I hope you weren¡¯t too disappointed. I was really tired and fell asleep before Katie. I¡¯m fine now. Getting some work done.¡±
ME: ¡°I totally understand, babe. I just got worried because the last time you didn¡¯t text me goodnight, you thought you sent it to him. I think I need to take some time off of work and get away.¡±
ANYA: ¡°U do? What do u mean? Where r u going?¡±
ME: ¡°I don¡¯t know yet but I want to go somewhere for a week. Do you want to join me?¡±
ANYA: ¡°I wish! I¡¯d love to take off w/u for a week! It wouldn¡¯t matter where!¡±
ME: ¡°To be with you for a week some place would be heaven on earth.¡±
ANYA: ¡°Yes it would be! Ok, I¡¯m depressed now. JK! I love you, babe. I miss you! Can¡¯t wait to c u again!¡±
To imagine a week with her anywhere would be absolute paradise, but I knew realistically and sadly it was an impossibility right now. I just missed her so much I didn¡¯t know what to do with myself. Hope was really all I had, but I had to plant the seed and hopefully the bees of time would pollinate my sprouting dream because if we ever lost that there¡¯s not much left we could hold on to.
At this point in our relationship, especially after I learned her husband was Jackson Caiaphas, my job became more difficult to focus on. I always got my work done and kept my jobs under budget for the most part, but my attention shifted to our relationship. Anya became my life as my career morphed into the mundane and was no longer my sole purpose in life. I still worked hard, and I still hustled, but whenever I thought about my life before I met her it made me deeply depressed to think my career used to be all I had to look forward to in life. There were times now I couldn¡¯t even concentrate at all, and had to take my work home just to finish. All I did though was mostly drown in the silence of the four walls of my apartment as I opted to deal with my tortured mind by journaling instead. This led me at times to fall behind on my work so I worked weekends to ease the elevated stress level if I couldn¡¯t finish my jobs during the week. When she was in New York City, I simply felt I should be with her, and not in a small office in Irvine nor in an apartment. My only solace was through her texts, as they became the means to my survival. After six days of receiving them, I began to count on them, and when their frequency changed like an emptying morphine drip, I began to worry something was wrong and I¡¯d lose focus at work which only led to more stress. All I knew though was I could never tell her about any of this.
Anya sent me a text later that afternoon, a short ¡°hi¡±; an unusual text compared to all the others she sent me over the past six days. She then informed me she was out shopping followed by dinner to have Cuban cuisine. It was the usual things she did, but for some reason it lacked any feeling as it felt merely obligatory just to stay consistent with prior communications. A few hours after dinner with a sense of worry in my heart, and afraid I¡¯d not hear from her for the rest of the evening, I sent her a text.
7:00 p.m.
¡°Hi! Sorry still out with the girls! I swear this city never sleeps!¡±
ME: ¡°Ha! I hope you get a chance to fall asleep soon! You must be exhausted!¡±
ANYA: ¡°R u kidding me? I¡¯m w/all girlie girls! Who has time for that when the stores r open!¡±
She told me before she left for the trip she would be lonely for me, but I began to realize she was surrounded by way too many people and had too much money to play with to feel the same way I did about her absence. Sadly, the chronic shopping trips began to discourage me, not because I didn¡¯t want her to shop to her heart¡¯s content. She worked hard and she deserved it, and her affinity to shop was part of her allure because I enjoyed being around her carefree fun spirit, but it also left me disheartened only because I knew where her source of income came from, and I didn¡¯t see any signs of a curtail in her spending habits which would acknowledge a possible future together. I also began to see an image she had to keep up with to fit in, and not to stand apart from. I knew she was a social person, and her energy was one of the many things I loved about her, but this wasn¡¯t window shopping to support a mom and pop store, but rather appeared to me as a show of extravagance. If there was such a thing as keeping up with the Joneses this was more like keeping up with the Rockefellers. The most disappointing thing of all though was it appeared her daughter was being taught what Anya told me she didn¡¯t believe in; that money and things led to happiness. I also had to consider if this is the life Katie had grown to know, a sudden change would make her question her mother at such a young age, so I understood there just couldn¡¯t be a sharp drop off in shopping behavior, but I guess I hoped to see some recognition of her hope to be with me because this seven-day excursion couldn¡¯t have cost her less than ten thousand dollars and if I didn¡¯t know what I was up against before, I was now getting harshly schooled in reality.
8:10 p.m.
¡°Whatcha doin? It¡¯s my friend¡¯s birthday tom so I helped the girls decorate her hotel room door. She¡¯s so anti-Obama! So what do we do? We got her an Obama shirt! She¡¯ll hate me in the morning! Luckily she has a good sense of humor! I miss you baby!¡±
ME: ¡°Oh wow! You girls are brutal! I miss you too.¡±
ANYA: ¡°I love you! Can u do lunch on Wed?¡±
ME: ¡°I love you too! Absolutely!¡±
ANYA: ¡°K sounds good! Maybe u can call me at lunch tomorrow? Goodnight!¡±
ME: ¡°I¡¯ll give u a call. Have fun! Goodnight!¡±
As I already reeled from discouraging thoughts about her trip, I realized today was Tuesday, and she wasn¡¯t returning home until Thursday which meant I wouldn¡¯t see her for another week. It just shocked me that a person who told me I didn¡¯t know how much she missed me wouldn¡¯t find a way to see me sooner than almost a week after she returned home. I then began to panic as my sensitive heart buried itself into my stomach. I tried to not over think and analyze, summer time posed some challenges for her to see me, but it was hard not to after my negative shopping assessment. She didn¡¯t tell me she had any plans for the weekend so I thought she would at least schedule a tea meeting. It left me to wonder if her husband ever confronted her and gave her a choice to make if she would choose to abandon me with all I felt for her. The New York City shopping spree brought fear into my heart as I learned this trip wasn¡¯t really about a dance competition, but rather a competition of whose husband took better care of their wives and kids, almost as if it carried a clandestine business networking element with it. These thoughts weighed heavily on me as I feared they would manifest themselves during our phone conversation the next day and put all we shared and built in jeopardy.
When the next day arrived in New York City, she text me.
5:37 a.m.
¡°Good morning! Can u call me at lunch time? Katie is done at 2 p.m. and we¡¯re going to be on the run again till late tonight! If u can¡¯t I¡¯d understand.¡±
Since I didn¡¯t sleep much I was up so I text her right back to let her know I would. When lunch time mercifully arrived and barely awake on adrenaline, nothing could prepare me for what I was about to hear.
¡°Hi babe. Thanks for calling me.¡± she said.
¡°Of course, Sweetheart.¡±
¡°I miss you.¡±
¡°I miss you too.¡±
¡°I talked to my friend yesterday. You know, the one who got divorced.¡±
¡°How is she doing? Is she seeing anyone new?¡± I asked.
¡°She¡¯s doing okay. She¡¯s actually dating quite a bit.¡± she said. ¡°She told me her son is having problems though.¡±
¡°Oh no. That¡¯s too bad. I¡¯m very sorry to hear that.¡± I said.
¡°It made me sad to hear.¡± she said.
Immediately I began to feel her grasp at this, and it put me in survival mode as I now became unburdened as to why her texts felt differently the other day.
¡°It doesn¡¯t surprise me to hear he¡¯s having problems.¡± I countered. ¡°Her husband is putting the blame on your friend for breaking up the family when it¡¯s entirely his fault for cheating. Now he¡¯s going out of his way to make it less than amicable without any consideration his son is in the middle of this. Then you have your friend, no disrespect to her because I know she¡¯s hurt, who is out dating different men which isn¡¯t helping him either. I¡¯m surprised at all because it sounds like his parents are both only thinking of themselves and he is only trying to get their attention. It¡¯s the way they are handling the divorce that¡¯s hurting their son, babe.¡±
¡°I don¡¯t know.¡± she said. ¡°It might be the divorce itself that¡¯s enough to screw him up.¡±
¡°See, here¡¯s why I don¡¯t think it¡¯s the divorce itself, babe. I think if you were to get a divorce, you wouldn¡¯t be out dating because you¡¯d already have a man; me, who would allow you to do whatever is necessary and who is also willing to take a step back so you can be close to your kids so they know you love them with all your heart and they are not the reason for the divorce. I¡¯d give you all the space you need to repair your relationship with them so they knew your decision was made because you love them, not because you don¡¯t. I would even stay out of your husband¡¯s way to do whatever he needed to do as well. Again, I only dislike him as your husband, not as their father, and I know they need him. I hope you know it would be a completely different scenario than your friend¡¯s.¡± I said. ¡°Your response though about the divorce ¡°itself¡± does worry me a little bit though so can I ask you something?¡±
¡°Okay.¡±
¡°What would you base your decision on to divorce him?¡±
¡°It would depend on how much my children tell me they feel the divorce would traumatize them.¡± she said. ¡°They trust me to stay with him, and to never leave him.¡±
As sweet of a thought it was I felt I had just been struck by lightning. Even though I knew she could only leave for herself, and not for me, her response cut me like a chainsaw as it left me to wonder how she could leave a completely adult decision in the hands of a thirteen and an eleven year old. As much as they trusted her to stay with him, and to never leave him, I trusted Anya to be the adult here, and to not leave an adult decision she had already made, by allowing and encouraging me to be in her life, in the hands of her kids. How could the beauty in us be looked upon by her as destructive to the lives of her children? I understood what she felt was a legitimate concern for her, but did she think I wanted them traumatized? I walked away from her the first time we met and I¡¯m here because she told me I broke her heart; did she forget about that? I just wasn¡¯t sold at all that if she divorced her husband that her kids would be traumatized by it unless there was something else she wasn¡¯t telling me. I believed she had a responsibility as a parent to be honest with her children and to not place the burden of her unhappiness on them. If I was not in her life, and if there had not been another man in her life before me, I would feel differently. The truth was simply this, no matter how good their father was to them, they had no idea how emotionally abusive he was to their mother for she was the one who had truly been left traumatized. The more I felt her ¡°Hallmark Special¡± words singe my mind, the more I found myself beginning to slip up as I tried desperately to be noble to avoid giving her something to grasp.
¡°If your husband found out about us. What do you think he would do?¡± I asked.
¡°He would have me choose.¡± she stated. ¡°He wouldn¡¯t put up with it.¡±
I didn¡¯t get it. He wouldn¡¯t ¡°put up with it¡± yet he¡¯s been putting up with a wife who didn¡¯t reciprocate whenever he said ¡°I love you¡± to him for the last five years? She had to be joking, but the sad part was I knew she wasn¡¯t.
¡°It seems like I¡¯m not fighting hard enough for you.¡± I responded overcome by negative thoughts.
¡°Why would you say that? You already have my heart.¡± she responded.
¡°It¡¯s because I want more than your heart, babe.¡± I said. ¡°I¡¯d understand a decision to stay for the kids six months ago, but I have to be honest¡I¡¯d feel you were choosing him over me if you stayed at this point.¡±
¡°I would not be choosing him, though.¡± she said. ¡°I¡¯d be choosing my kids.¡±
¡°You have a marriage with zero trust. My apologies, but I don¡¯t believe that¡¯s the kind of marriage you stay in for the sake of the kids.¡± I stated. ¡°I¡¯m sorry but I have to get back to work now. My lunch time is over. I¡¯ll talk to you later.¡±
¡°Okay. Talk to you later.¡± she said as she hung up the phone.
I sat in my car for over a half hour after our phone conversation, as I felt thoroughly discombobulated. If she stayed with him after all we shared, I¡¯d never understand this world; I¡¯d be forever separated from it. I would feel like the ultimate failure if I couldn¡¯t save a woman who loved me ¡°forever¡±, but I also felt she owed them the gift of life lessons more than the gifts money could buy them. She owed it to her kids to be honest. She owed it to them to teach them things outside of a school text book. She owed it to them to teach them what love was, and that marriages were realistic when they chose the right people for the right reasons. If she stayed, I believed she would only pass on her unhappiness to them in the long run, and for their lifetimes.
I believed with every inch of my soul Anya and I belonged together as this was no ordinary love. This was the kind you trust in. The kind of love you cast fear aside and break down walls for. If this was about money, then tell me it¡¯s about money. If it was about protecting an image and a perception to others, then tell me so. Our conversation staggered my mind as I realized the only way I could save her was by fighting for us like never before. After I walked away from her and we reconnected five months later, I asked her what I needed to do for her to leave as she promised me to be with me if she fell in love with me, not if her kids gave her permission. I had to show her some way how much I loved her so she understood how I could be hurt by what she told me. I had to find a way to not only put my hurt feelings aside but her fears to rest. It brought to light my fear that in regards to her children, Anya took on the role of friend more than parent, and with her unhappiness in mind, it was something I had to fight for because her kids simply did not know the truth, and the things she went through on a daily basis. The last thing I wanted was for her kids to hate her, or to even look upon her as only a parent and not someone they could trust like a friend, but I was the one who knew her unhappiness, and I didn¡¯t want her to be a martyr for her kids based on a decision made by the biased and uninformed. I just didn¡¯t know how to communicate this to her.
9:52 a.m.
¡°Sitting on my bed and I can¡¯t move b/c of our heavy convo. The torment is killing me. I¡¯m sure it¡¯s 10 times harder for u. All I know is that I¡¯m in love w/u.¡±
I didn¡¯t expect her to leave now anyway, we had time, but it still hurt to read ¡°all I know is that I¡¯m in love w/u.¡±. I decided to lay the blame upon myself as the reason for her not knowing as it became obvious I wasn¡¯t fighting hard enough. Later that afternoon like a programmed wire we both shared, my connection to the universe¡¯s plan sensed the gravity of our conversation.
1:51 p.m.
¡°I love you.¡±
A question of her love never crossed my mind, but like a shooting star that streaks across an early morning sky it always still caught me by surprise. After our deep conversation I needed it, but then again it was only all she knew.
ME: ¡°I love you too.¡±
ANYA: ¡°U ok?¡±
ME: ¡°I¡¯m ok.¡±
I feared if I lost my nobility at this moment, I would lose her to a life of unhappiness and everything I¡¯ve fought for her to believe in. No doubt, I was rattled, but this was a time when I had to show her how much I loved her; not a time to criticize her. After being cheated on by a man she loved several times, I had to realize I was held to a higher standard, and for her to love someone again, to feel this vulnerable, had to be a scary thing for her. She thought all marriages were unrealistic. She believed most if not all boyfriends and husbands cheated and flirted. I had to return to my empathetic ways and show my love and understanding instead of my pain and frustration. As much as we didn¡¯t want to admit it, as much love as we dwelled in, we both lived in fear of loss. Her fears of loss were greater than mine though, and I had to understand it as much as my heart ached. Our heavy conversation made me realize the severity of the depth of all these feelings though as it affected not only my mental state but also my body¡¯s physiology. At six in the evening New York time, I text her to see if she was going out to dinner in fear our talk ruined her evening.
3:09 p.m.
¡°Yes babe. I had Buble on getting ready and felt sad. Wishing I was getting ready for you. Going to Nobu with a big group.¡±
ME: ¡°How I wish. I bet you look beautiful tonight.¡±
ANYA: ¡°Thank you. I love you. We¡¯re so much alike it blows me away at times.¡±
ME: ¡°I love you too. It seems like our feelings all come through the same wire without having to say a word about them; they just find a way to reach us.¡±
ANYA: ¡°I feel the same way, babe. U get me. U understand. Never had that.¡±
ME: ¡°I know what it¡¯s like to have people let you down in life. What it¡¯s like to have your heart broken. To lose trust in people you trust with your life. I think that¡¯s why we connect with each other so well. I get you because I know your pain. I miss u.¡±
ANYA: ¡°Miss u too.¡±
She lived in a constant fear of loss, and I was now part of that equation. She feared to lose me as much as I feared to lose her, and I had to realize she grasped at this fear of loss any time she felt it. Stress about the unknown was the turbulence we felt, and whenever she felt it, she reacted, but it left my heart in its wake. She feared her kids would go down the same road as her divorced friend¡¯s son, and who could blame her for not wanting that on her conscience? I would never want it on her conscience too though, and I felt the situations were vastly different. This was the time though she needed to know how much I loved her, and all I ever said, felt and showed was for real. That I wasn¡¯t a man who fell in love easily, but rather a man who said what he meant and meant what he said as I had to find a way to touch her heart from so far away.
That evening she went with a group to see the musical ¡°Legally Blonde¡± as I had no idea there was a musical based on that movie, and it led me to wonder if there was a musical for ¡°The Forty-Year-Old Virgin¡± currently in development. I knew our conversation still weighed on her mind as much as it did mine when she text me upon her return from the show.
8:01 p.m.
¡°Hi! Just got in! It was cute! How r u? What r u up to?¡±
ME: ¡°I¡¯m good, babe. Just got off the phone with my mom. She always calls when she needs help with spelling a word. She¡¯s writing a letter to someone. Hopefully it¡¯s not Duracell again when she wrote them to ask for an Energizer Bunny! How r u?¡±
ANYA: ¡°Ha! I¡¯m good. How¡¯s ur mom?
ME: ¡°She¡¯s good. Thank you for asking.¡±
ANYA: ¡°You¡¯re a good son. She should be proud. Ur the nicest person I know. Ur thoughtful, caring, and compassionate. Have u always been this way?¡±
Through my experiences with women, I had come to learn no matter how many times they say it¡¯s want they want, a ¡°nice¡± guy is the last thing a woman wants. What they mean is they either want the person that once treated them poorly to change or if they are attracted to ¡°bad boys¡±, for them to be nice towards them. Being the ¡°nicest¡± man she knew scared me because the one thing I¡¯ve come to learn about being a nice guy is that I usually finished last, however I believed Anya was different, and her past experiences did allow her to appreciate and want a nice guy for all the reasons I never believed in before I met her. As the exception to the rule, I took Anya¡¯s words as the highest of all compliments ever made to me.
ME: ¡°I know it¡¯s hard to believe because of your past, but I¡¯ve always been this way. I tend to be sarcastic at times so I¡¯m not always the ¡°nicest¡± man, but I don¡¯t know why I would ever have a reason not to be nice to you. I just try to live life by the golden rule. I think I have so far.¡±
ANYA: ¡°Never met a man like u.¡±
ME: ¡°It¡¯s hard for me to believe a man wouldn¡¯t be thoughtful, caring and compassionate towards you. I worship the ground you walk on. I¡¯d do anything for you if I could, and if I couldn¡¯t I¡¯d die trying. I guess any man who really knew you would.¡±
I didn¡¯t hear from her for well over an hour later after this text as I hoped what I said resonated with her.
10:37 p.m.
¡°You always make me feel so special! I can¡¯t sleep tonight.¡±
I made her feel special, but she really needed to know how special she was. Being in love with me was all she knew, but I think she needed to know all I knew too. Made of the same wire, I couldn¡¯t sleep as well so when I declined by default to fall asleep on this night, I journaled instead to find a way to let her know how much she meant to me as I waited for her text the next morning.
5:11 a.m.
¡°Good morning!¡±
After I received this one text, I then followed with twelve of my own, each a minute apart, to let her know all I knew, and all I felt was all for real.
¡°I couldn¡¯t sleep last night. Just kept thinking about all you know. Here¡¯s all I know.¡±
¡°I want to be with you. I want to wake up with you in my arms every morning. I want to see you every day. I want you to be happy again.¡±
¡°I want to tell you ¡°I love you forever¡± every day. I want to take you out to dinner. I want to hold your hand in public.¡±
¡°I want to find traces of u every day. I want to watch a sunset and sunrise with you anywhere.¡±
¡°I want to go to the movies with you. I want to watch movies with you. I want to go on vacations with you.¡±
¡°I want to see ur smile and hear ur laugh every day. I want to be able to touch you emotionally and physically every day.¡±
¡°I want to go dancing with you. I want to go to the gym with you. I want to take showers with you. I want to have tea with you anytime.¡±
¡°I want to be on top of the Empire State Building with you. I want to see France with you. I want to go to Tahiti with you. I want to drive up along the coast on the 101 with you. I just want to be with you anywhere.¡±
¡°I want to make love to you every day. I want to read a paper with you in the morning. I want to kiss you every day. I want to go to ¡°our beach¡± when we want to. I want to see you in my favorite blouse.¡±
¡°I want to share every beautiful moment with you. I want to see ur size 6 shoes next to mine. I want to share a bathroom countertop with you. I want to kiss you goodbye knowing when I will see you again.¡±
¡°I want to see you in the moonlight. I want to cook with you. I want to eat ur cooking. I want u to come ¡°home¡± to me every night. I want u to never have to delete another text from me.¡±
¡°I want to marry you. I want to be your husband. I want to show you this will be a better experience this time. I want to show you what love really is.
Just wanted you to know all I know.¡±
CHAPTER 4 ~ TO SEE A SOUL
¡°And I look high and low for yesterday,
high and low for you and I.¡±
~ ¡°High and Low¡± Greg Laswell
6:45 a.m.
"Wow! Can u call me?"
I hesitated and took a few moments to think. I really didn¡¯t know how she felt about the texts, and after our heavy conversation the previous day it could go either way, but I needed to know where she stood as well. I¡¯m in her life based solely on the premise she was still there only because if she were to leave no one would be there for her. Her kids were even referred to me as ¡°baggage¡±, although not as such to her in any way because I knew how much she loved them, but she feared no one would accept her with them after Lance the romantic fraud left her. For nearly the last eight months, I put my heart and soul into showing her how committed I was to her, that her kids were truly only a bonus to me. I felt she needed to know how vested I was and these words were my true intentions. I never put myself out there for anyone like this; not even for prior girlfriends I thought at the time I loved. These words were so easy to write yet so difficult to be known. They exposed me to her like never before, and that was when I was usually judged and abandoned by the women I cared for in my life. I felt Anya tested me many times, and my ¡°All I Know¡± texts were a test for her as well to see if she could meet me there, and if she truly loved me too.
When I finally got the strength to call, nervous and even shy, her response to the texts blew me away. Rather than flee she embraced them, was deeply moved and touched by all the feelings I made known to her like no one had before, even a husband who proclaimed he loved her. She even told me she would save them, and never delete them. After a brief phone convo because she had to start her day, I left with a good feeling about us as I reiterated I wasn¡¯t in her life to fill a void, but to give her an opportunity for happiness which I felt was also beneficial to her children.
8:03 a.m.
¡°I will look at my saved texts when I get discouraged. Thanks again. It was beautiful and very touching. I love you forever.¡±
She would save the texts on her phone; a true show of love and belief that meant the world to me. Later that same day, she let me know how much they meant to her.
3:39 p.m.
¡°I read the saved texts again. Love it.¡±
Her reaction to my texts made me wish I sent them sooner, but at the same time I believe I sent them at the right time. It did my heart good to know they meant so much to her, but she meant so much to me. I felt she needed to realize how serious I was about us, that I would have never gotten involved or given her a chance for less than marrying her.
As much as they meant to her though, I also sent them to challenge her. I needed to know she was as serious as I was too. On her final night in New York City, I felt a pull from her.
5:20 p.m.
¡°Hi! Snuck out of the gala w/other moms! Boring! Might take Katie out to Four Seasons for dinner later. The gala is totally stupid! Cheap wine and gross food!¡±
ME: ¡°Glad you were able to escape! Sorry to hear that.¡±
ANYA: ¡°I thought about all the things you said to me this morning. Can¡¯t help but wonder if u actually understand what it means to commit for a lifetime.¡±
There were things Anya said or text at times during our relationship that took me aback because of my low self-esteem issues, and this was one of those times as my mind and heart did battle. My head forced me to acknowledge her words made it sound as if her husband was just this wonderful man who happened to stray a few times, like most men with his options, and how could she possibly expect him to remain loyal to her because all marriages were unrealistic anyway. It further sounded as if it condoned and even pardoned his gross infidelities, which was fine, but not after she allowed me into her life by asking me out on a date just to make me aware of them. Her statement made me feel like I had no idea what love truly was because I had never been married, almost as if I was crazy for feeling all the things I did. My heart interjected though and forced me to see the fear in her statement; what if I was a fraud like her husband or even Lance? A man who talked a big game but when the game was on the line withered away just like both of them? As much as her wonder threw me off, I had to chalk it up to fear and years of emotional abuse from a husband who had no clue what love really was as her ego, an ego she created to deal with her pain, fought for comprehension of the incomprehensible. I couldn¡¯t blame her for feeling the way she did regardless of how much her statement hurt my feelings.
ME: ¡°If you truly love and respect someone it should be easy to commit yourself to them for a lifetime. That¡¯s how I feel about it. I¡¯m sure there are tough times but the empathy you have for someone should keep you committed to them. The fear of losing what you have should as well. I guess you would have to have an idea of what it¡¯s like to be alone for a while to understand why I feel you just don¡¯t take things for granted, especially a loving relationship.¡±
She wondered aloud to a man who always searched and believed in love. A man who was single for a long time only because he held true to his convictions and refused to settle even taking on judgments from others who questioned his sexual preference for doing so all because he always believed marriages were realistic when you were with the right person. Anya felt alone, but she wasn¡¯t truly alone to know how I meant everything and took nothing for granted especially if all I had to do was commit to someone I truly loved for a lifetime. An easy task for me, but impossible for people who marry people for the wrong reasons.
ANYA: ¡°Ur like me an idealist! How?¡±
ME: ¡°How? More like how could I not be?¡±
ANYA: ¡°I¡¯m sorry to question you. I¡¯m just overwhelmed by emotions.¡±
Her ¡°overwhelmed by emotions¡± brought me back to Lexi, when she told me the same thing then decided to never see me again. I got the impression after this series of texts she wanted to believe I wasn¡¯t for real so she didn¡¯t have to face anything. Like all the things I ever did and said couldn¡¯t possibly stand the test of time, even all the things she ever told me all because of a man who chose to be grossly unfaithful to her. Nearly eight months of a love that filled me up yet also made me feel empty wasn¡¯t easy on my heart and mind as I still held onto the belief if she stayed, she would choose her husband over me, not her children; even after all the horrific things she told me about him, things she made a date to tell me about to bring me to this point. As much as I thought it was a possibility, there was no way I could believe she¡¯d bring us this far to abandon me with all these feelings. Then again ¡°nicest guy¡± and ¡°overwhelmed by emotions¡± were code phrases to ignite my mind to wage war against my heart.
ME: ¡°I love you. That¡¯s why I wrote all I did to you. I wanted you to know I¡¯m for real. These are real feelings I have for you. I wouldn¡¯t share any of them with you if they weren¡¯t true. If we were married, I¡¯d never dream of cheating on you no matter what. I would be honest with you if something wasn¡¯t right because I simply respect your heart and your emotions.¡±
ANYA: ¡°I know that babe. U know I would never.¡±
ME: ¡°I meant every word I text you.¡±
ANYA: ¡°I know u did. Thank u. I took it to heart. It¡¯s been an emotional day. Everything makes me think of you. I get jealous whenever I c a happy couple. I love you.¡±
When she told me this, I understood better where her negative words came from, and she didn¡¯t mean anything by it. I had to realize in the face of my past low self-esteem issues, she was as frustrated as I was, and sometimes it was easier to discount me than to deal with it especially around her children. Emotions had to make her feel uneasy also because the last time she felt this kind of vulnerability, the man who promised to honor and cherish her forever recklessly failed to do so.
Her return flight left at noon the following day, but when she arrived home she text me from a client dinner I had no idea she had scheduled upon her return.
7:59 p.m.
¡°U must hate me. Here I¡¯m back in town and I can¡¯t even talk to you cuz I¡¯m out at a dinner. I¡¯m so sorry. I love u.¡±
ME: ¡°Please don¡¯t be sorry. No worries. I totally understand. Just happy you¡¯re home safe and sound. I love u too.¡±
I didn¡¯t expect to hear from her on this day other than to let me know she made it home as it was a long travel day along with a three-hour time lag. The next day she filled me in though on the details of her dinner meeting.
8:59 a.m.
¡°We talked about NY, my kids, her kids, and then business. She¡¯s an architect but left her firm b/c of politics and joined the Rose Associates. We talked about the softening economy. She claims to have potential commercial tenants, mostly from out of state who want to relocate their main headquarter offices. We¡¯ll see.¡±
As I read her message, my low self-esteem reared its hideous head to hear about the effort she made under considerable fatigue to build the Jackson Caiaphas brand, and it brought me right back to our serious conversation in New York City. When we began our relationship, not one time did Anya mention she would consult with her children about her decision to divorce, but what hurt me the most is that her plan to do just that completely excluded me from the equation as if I didn¡¯t exist in her life, after she allowed me to go all in without any fear her kids would be making such a decision. If I had known this going in there was no way I had given her a chance because I knew how my heart beat all too well. First of all, I would never want to put her in that position. Second, I¡¯d never want her kids to be saddened and third, I¡¯d be wasting my time to come in the middle of their lives. It burned me inside I was even allowed to be in her life for a single day if this was the case as it felt like a bait and switch technique, a selling pitch no doubt learned from her mentor, Jackson Caiaphas. I fought to ignore my mind once again as I listened more to my heart. I couldn¡¯t deny for the life of me I loved her to death, and I had to trust that she respected me enough to not bring us this far along just to commit suicide. I knew what the end of us would bring, and I had to believe she wanted to be saved more than she wanted to stay. Then again, how could she ask me to fight for her without telling me no matter what I did she ultimately wouldn¡¯t be the decision maker? I found it troublesome she could bring another man into this, as if my feelings didn¡¯t matter as once again I felt like they were discounted like a running water faucet I should easily be able to turn off. I had to be honest with myself, I questioned for the first time in our relationship what if she didn¡¯t truly love me and was using me in an all-out effort just to feel alive again?
The more I considered this all for the first time in our relationship in tandem with Mitch¡¯s ninety-two eight assessment, the more agitated I felt and the more emotionally drained I became. I knew she definitely cared about me, but what if she didn¡¯t know what love was and she pretended to hijack me for the feeling itself? I poured myself completely into her but the difference was if this didn¡¯t work out, she still had her family to fall back on, but what did I have? A career and a life without meaning? Was she truly this disconnected with what love meant? What did being ¡°in love¡± really mean to her if it¡¯s just all she knew? What were her true intentions?
ME: ¡°Well, I hope you can get her business.¡±
ANYA: ¡°I¡¯m so tired. I went to my trainer this morning. How r u?¡±
ME: ¡°I¡¯m ok. I have to be honest but I¡¯m having a hard time wrapping my head around how you would put the decision to end your marriage in the hands of your children.¡±
ANYA: ¡°R u done with us?¡±
ME: ¡°Should I be? R u done with us?¡±
ANYA: ¡°No. I wish I knew what to do. I told Debbie this morning that I wish I could just run away. After a long convo the kids came back in play.¡±
I didn¡¯t know what to say. I didn¡¯t want to question the way she felt. She was entitled to feel all she did, however, I found it hard to believe the only solution from a woman who demonstrated a ton of courage by pursuing a serious relationship with me considering her circumstances was the most cowardly of all acts, to run away; a great contradiction. Of course, I would not allow her to run away from her kids, but what were her true intentions if she felt this way? She then hit me with a text that rendered me at a loss for words.
9:59 a.m.
¡°If you want to let me go I¡¯ll make it easy for you. Why don¡¯t you just call me and do it over the phone. I¡¯d understand. I don¡¯t think I could stomach seeing u in person.¡±
And then another just four minutes later.
10:03 a.m.
¡°Actually don¡¯t call me. I can¡¯t talk to u rt now. I¡¯m sick to my stomach. I¡¯ll talk to u later. I¡¯m not mad at u. I don¡¯t blame u.¡±
When she sent me these texts, her fear and pain of losing me hit hard as I instantly felt awful and began to bargain with her to keep the three things you never gave up on in life alive.
ME: ¡°You still believe in us, right? If you don¡¯t then there¡¯s really no chance. I don¡¯t stand a chance against your kids, babe. No child is going to give their parents the OK to divorce.¡±
ANYA: ¡°There¡¯s always a chance, but I told u I can¡¯t promise u. I think it would be easier 4 us if u let us go.¡±
After wanting me to fight for her, she now wanted me to let ¡°us¡± go as if it was the easiest of all things to do, and it brought me right back seven years ago to Denise who wanted me to do the same thing because she didn¡¯t want to play the bad guy; the reason why I asked for brutal honesty from Anya even if it hurt me. Even though she appeared to do the same, I paid attention to the one stark difference between them; Denise never felt sick to her stomach. I didn¡¯t need her to promise me now, I believed the time would come for that, but as long as she still believed in our love then there was a chance, and I didn¡¯t want to give up on her or us, but I also needed to know what had to happen for her to be with me.
ANYA: ¡°If I can get a guarantee my children won¡¯t hate me and their future won¡¯t be affected b/c of me and that they will grow up to be healthy young adults.¡±
I wanted the same thing for Anya and her kids. I didn¡¯t want their future to be affected. I didn¡¯t want them to hate her. I wanted them to grow up to be healthy young adults too. I just didn¡¯t understand why she would bring my heart this far, to lead me to the ultimate love and now to a heart that didn¡¯t want to let her go. After I read this I wondered why I wasn¡¯t informed of this when I asked her what I needed to do to get a promise from her as I felt bamboozled. She had two kids before she met me. There was another man before me too. She even had five months to consider a relationship with me before we reconnected. I felt she was making a horrible mistake by asking me to let us go, and even though I questioned her intentions I cared about her too much as I held on for dear life because I wanted to believe I was wrong about all my negative thoughts.
ME: ¡°I want to be with u and I dream about a future with you.¡±
ANYA: ¡°I want to be with you and dream about a future too, but I think we¡¯ve come to a point where it is too hard to go on like this. I¡¯m not ready to tell my kids.¡±
ME: ¡°I¡¯m not asking you to tell your kids right now. I just worry if you ever had any intentions to tell them.¡±
ANYA: ¡°I guess I always thought when the time was right I would sit down and tell them what I¡¯ve been going through. I wouldn¡¯t tell them the exact truth. I would hope for their support and that they¡¯d tell me they don¡¯t hate me. At that point they¡¯d tell me they would be alright. The only way it¡¯s possible is if my kids tell me they will be fine. I don¡¯t care about everything else.¡±
ME: ¡°Ok.¡±
ANYA: ¡°Please let us go. I don¡¯t want to hurt u anymore. I will always love you. My life will never be the same but knowing that u will go on to be happy will be enough.¡±
ME: ¡°I don¡¯t think that would make me happy at all knowing your life will never be the same. I didn¡¯t come into your life to leave you sad. My feelings don¡¯t work that way babe because I will always love you too.¡±
ANYA: ¡°I can¡¯t make u happy right now and I don¡¯t want to live with that. I love u with all my soul. If u want to call me I will make myself available to talk.¡±
It felt like I locked eyes with Medusa as her words turned me to stone, unable to move. She loved me with all her soul yet wanted to let us go? Did she not understand she was married to a man she could never trust? She would choose to stay with a man who used her to make a buck over one who truly loved and respected her? Who wanted to see her truly happy? Doesn¡¯t love always catch the ones who fall especially if they are hurting? I couldn¡¯t text her back, I was too frustrated with her request, and I didn¡¯t want things to come out wrong as I felt my words only contributed to the distortion. I didn¡¯t want to hurt her feelings as I feared her kids may be around so I had to find some emotional peace within before I responded. After I failed to an hour later, she felt inclined to follow-up.
1:40 p.m.
¡°Landyn. R u ok baby? I¡¯m broken. I understand u don¡¯t want to talk to me. I will always love you.¡±
My low self-esteem took over from there as I felt duped again by another woman in my life. Another one who didn¡¯t catch me when I fell. All I could do was line up all what I felt were misrepresentations made to me that brought me to this point. All the sacrifices I quietly made for her gone unappreciated. I didn¡¯t want things to end but how could she discard all these feelings I held for her by putting an adult decision in the hands of her kids to make? I knew she had to consider their input, but to base her decision solely on it I didn¡¯t understand. I decided it best to let her dictate the communication between us as I tried to maintain a shred of any emotional intelligence I had left because I was so confused and even feared it could be me who was off base for feeling the way I did.
3:16 p.m.
¡°Is it over? Can you at least tell me that? Just tell me and I¡¯ll leave u alone. I don¡¯t think I deserve the silent treatment. I¡¯m broken too.¡±
I didn¡¯t intend to give her the silent treatment. I just didn¡¯t want to cause further damage with something I felt I could be wrong about like I had in the past. I didn¡¯t want to let us go, but what choice did I truly have if she placed her decision to leave him in the hands of her children? I trusted her to be the adult about this; not the child.
3:43 p.m.
¡°Ok, I¡¯ll take it that ur breaking up w/me. I never thought if it were going to end it would end this way. I hope we can talk in person about this someday.¡±
3:44 p.m.
¡°I¡¯m going to turn off my phone now b/c I don¡¯t want to wait for you. U may have zero intention to text me or call me but at least I won¡¯t hurt so much waiting.¡±
When I took into consideration her next series of texts to me, as much as I hurt, it pained me just as much to see her suffer, and it broke my heart. One of the main reasons I broke up with Sara was because she gave me the silent treatment. The only reason I gave it to Anya was because I wanted to think about this before I responded due to all the heavy emotions and the fear her kids were there. Her texts told me one thing, clear as the tears that began to fall unannounced down my cheek, this woman wasn¡¯t listening to herself. As the man who loved her, it was my job to make her see that and to challenge her to. If I broke up with her, regardless of who she put her decision into the hands of, she would continue to live a lie; a false life. Even though I had trust issues at the moment, I had to hold on to the belief she was an honest person living a dishonest life, and she wouldn¡¯t go this far for nothing. I felt my duty was to take her out of the darkness of lies and into the light of the truth. If I ended things with her she would only have an excuse to dodge a decision she needed to make, but she would continue to suffer, and I couldn¡¯t allow that on my conscience. I had come too far to not try to show her the miscalculations she made out of fear. I loved her way too much to give up on us as I had to put all my trust in her love for me.
Stolen story; please report.
ME: ¡°I¡¯m sorry sweetheart. I didn¡¯t mean to give you the silent treatment to hurt you. I just needed some time to make sure I text you with understanding because you¡¯re around your kids. You¡¯re my true love. I don¡¯t want to let us go.¡±
Two hours passed before I received her response.
ANYA: ¡°I just turned on my phone b/c I have to leave and got ur texts. Ur my true love but I don¡¯t know how much I can handle the emotional rollercoaster.¡±
ME: ¡°I understand. Again, I¡¯m so sorry I didn¡¯t respond. I didn¡¯t mean to hurt you.¡±
ANYA: ¡°K why don¡¯t we talk tom. Have a nice evening.¡±
I remember that particular evening as the most silent and darkest of my entire life. I barely slept as the wheels in my mind spun mercilessly. I wondered how did she expect me to take the news she gave me. As if I didn¡¯t have a single feeling for her? As if I was Robert Kincaid from ¡°The Bridges of Madison County¡± after a three-day roll in the hay? I found it painfully obvious I needed to teach her about love so she could truly trust in it again. To show her how it always catches people, how it never strays, and never lets them go. How it fights and always wins in the end, yet it was so difficult on me to understand her stance as the dulled agony of a possible life without her seeped in.
She didn¡¯t text me until mid-afternoon the following day, but I didn¡¯t allow her late contact to warp my mind as we were now on the mend from yesterday.
2:22 p.m.
¡°Hi! Sorry left at 8 this morning and just got home! What r u up to?¡±
ME: ¡°Hi! No worries! I¡¯m just at home getting ready for the week ahead. How r u?¡±
ANYA: ¡°I¡¯m ok. Still haven¡¯t recovered from yesterday and still thinking about our situation.¡±
ME: ¡°I¡¯m sorry. Recovered?¡±
ANYA: ¡°Yes, emotionally.¡±
ME: ¡°I understand. I¡¯m very sorry I hurt you.¡±
ANYA: ¡°You don¡¯t have to apologize. I¡¯m not mad at u. I asked u to please let us go because I didn¡¯t want u to keep hurting. Yesterday made me think logically. It was a wake-up call for me. The thought of us parting made me sick but I was empowered by knowing I couldn¡¯t hurt you if we were no longer together.¡±
ME: ¡°I¡¯m fine babe. I¡¯m not hurting.¡±
ANYA: ¡°Ur not hurting now. What about next time? U always knew the chance was there.¡±
She felt empowered that she couldn¡¯t hurt me if we were no longer together. The best part about her statement was she acknowledged we were a couple; that this was indeed a relationship in her eyes and it meant a lot to me. How could she actually believe though, in any sense of a logical state of mind, that she could no longer hurt me if we were no longer together? Only the relationship status changed, not all my feelings, even hers. I would always love her and I would always care so it didn¡¯t matter. The bullet had already been lodged deep inside of me for the rest of my life.
ME: ¡°It just made me question your intentions, and that¡¯s what hurt me. I love you very much. Letting us go doesn¡¯t change that.¡±
ANYA: ¡°I love u very much too. I don¡¯t understand how u could question my intentions? I don¡¯t think u have any idea what I have to juggle to c u and to keep our contacts.¡±
ME: ¡°You¡¯re right, I don¡¯t really know about all u have to juggle to see and text me. I¡¯m sorry to question your intentions, and I know you miss me a lot because you do find time for us even with all you have to juggle. I¡¯m just not used to being loved. I feel all my life, ¡°love¡± has always tried to find a way to not be with me. From my experience, women just eventually find ways not to appreciate a man like me.¡±
ANYA: ¡°I don¡¯t want to keep this up. I have to sit on it and think about it some more. I do miss u very much. Hard for me to understand why you feel that way. You¡¯re the most lovable, caring, thoughtful, loving, romantic, gentle and most patient man I know. All reasons why I fell for you¡¡±
ME: ¡°You only appreciate those things in me because of what you¡¯ve experienced through someone else. Not everyone is like him, Anya. There are a ton of men out there who would be faithful to you and would love you forever. I¡¯m not that special.¡±
I felt I gave her some things to consider as she thought about her situation and our relationship. I wanted to give her the space to think this through even though I felt her thoughts were illogical if she still truly loved me. For the remainder of that afternoon, I just waited for the ball to drop; for the smart bomb to find me. As I waited, I decided to leave the dreariness of my apartment and head to a bookstore to bury my mind in another world. An hour later with my eyes submerged in a self-help book, she sent me a text I expected to obliterate any chance I had left for us.
7:46 p.m.
¡°I¡¯m walking w/Debbie right now. How r u?¡±
ME: ¡°I¡¯m ok. Please say hello to Debbie for me. How r u?¡±
ANYA: ¡°I miss u¡¡±
ME: ¡°I miss u too.¡±
ANYA: ¡°Want to squeeze in an hour tom nite between 6-7? Somewhere closer to my place like RJ¡¯s again?
ME: ¡°I¡¯d love to.¡±
ANYA: ¡°Ok, I¡¯ll make it work. Goodnight sweets. I love you.¡±
I breathed a heavy sigh of relief, and decided to go home to jump on the opportunity I had to fall asleep while I felt good enough to finally do so. Anya text me at around eleven on Monday morning to confirm the time and if I wanted to meet her inside or outside RJ¡¯s. I thought it best to meet outside so we could talk out our issues over the last few days privately, and she agreed. Unfortunately, I gave her the sense I was hurting but in reality I was more confused than anything, and a little frustrated as she was also. I just had to find a way to assure her I would be fine going forward and this hiccup would only strengthen us.
I warned her I¡¯d be in a tie due to a lack of time to change after work to meet her at six. After she told me she loved ties and thought they were sexy, I then felt much better about being overdressed for our meeting. I found a private spot in the parking lot behind RJ¡¯s where some business offices were. It appeared most people left their offices already since only a few cars remained. Anya parked right next to me when she arrived at six sharp, and quickly jumped into my car upon her exit from hers. She looked elegantly sexy adorned in jewelry that shone in the evening sun and dressed all in white with a top lower than usual. I was ecstatic to see her, and overwhelmed as I fed off the excitement in her eyes when she saw me. As she began to smooth my tie with her hand against my chest, and while fittingly U2¡¯s ¡°With or Without You¡± began to play on a radio I rarely used, I leaned in to kiss her but when I did I was met by pursed lips.
¡°Awkward.¡± she said to me as I pulled slowly away.
I didn¡¯t know what to say. It stunned me she could be so cold yet I felt responsible for it. As I fought to ignore my sudden low sense of self, I kept my heart on my objective to show her my love and not my sadness as a timely song on the radio declared the truth of my anguish.
¡°I know you¡¯re upset with me. I understand.¡± I said. ¡°Look, I know we can get through this. It¡¯s my fault and I will make adjustments in my life. I¡¯m at home all the time and I see you out and about enjoying your life, and it makes me miss you more. I feel if I go out more, and get out of my apartment, it will help me not miss you so much, then I should be fine.¡±
¡°I don¡¯t want to hurt you anymore.¡± she said. ¡°I feel bad about things.¡±
¡°Please don¡¯t feel bad. I don¡¯t want you to. We¡¯re in this together.¡± I said. ¡°Hey, you know all those things I know that I text to you?¡±
¡°Yes.¡±
¡°All those things I want with only one person, and that person is you.¡± I said.
¡°I want all the same things too.¡±
¡°Then let¡¯s get through this and if I mess up again, I will let us go. I don¡¯t want to hurt you either. I love you. That¡¯s why I can¡¯t let us go.¡±
¡°I don¡¯t deserve you¡¡±
¡°Babe, is there something else I don¡¯t know?¡± I asked. ¡°If there is please let me know even if you have to obliterate my heart. Then I¡¯ll let us go.¡±
¡°No¡I just feel bad I can¡¯t be with you now.¡±
¡°Then beautiful, you¡¯re the only one who¡¯s ever deserved me.¡± I said as our lips now met without resistance. ¡°Give me one more chance. If I screw it up, I¡¯ll let us go.¡±
¡°Can I think about it? I¡¯m still not sure.¡±
¡°Of course.¡± I said. ¡°Take your time.¡±
She nodded her head then leaned in to kiss me one last time. After we exchanged several words of affection for each other, she informed me she was on her way to meet up with Debbie and Carolyn for Andrew¡¯s Elementary School principal¡¯s retirement party and had to run. After our difficult but I felt overall positive conversation, one that could have easily taken a nosedive considering how her visit began, she left me with hope for us; my chief objective achieved.
I sent her a text later that evening to tell her I missed her, but I didn¡¯t hear back from her until three hours later.
10:51 p.m.
¡°Hi! I miss u! Goodnight!¡±
When the next day arrived as I hoped for her change of heart, she text to wish me a good morning and to confirm our meeting at my apartment for ¡°lunch¡± on Wednesday, the following day, like we originally planned and I felt encouraged. I also feared however, Wednesday could be our last day together, and if it was then I had to accept it and respect her decision but much like the death of a loved one I knew it would be impossible to prepare for.
When Wednesday arrived, I had never been so nervous. I didn¡¯t know what to expect; a new beginning or the end. She looked as gorgeous as ever, even snatched up my hand in hers the minute she saw me and buried her head into my chest. My eternal frenemies, apprehension and fear, took ahold of me as we made small talk before we entered my apartment. I then took a little longer than usual to lock my apartment door behind us as to buy more time and suspend her possible ending of us. After I locked the door and she handed me a burned CD from her purse, five minutes later our warm bare skin touched each other in bed; the appreciation for what we were stronger than ever. After a half hour of affectionate kissing and caressing, as if it was only a minute long passed, while I held her in my arms she began to tell me about her evening the night before.
¡°We stayed at Andrew¡¯s school principal¡¯s retirement party pretty late last night.¡±
¡°How was it?¡±
¡°It was fun. My friend¡¯s son, Greg Laswell was there. He¡¯s a musician.¡± she said. ¡°He sang and played stuff from his new CD. It was cool!¡±
¡°Is he a solo artist or is he part of a band?¡±
¡°Solo but works with others for recording and music videos.¡± she said. ¡°Some of his music is on the CD I burned for you. There¡¯s a song called ¡°High & Low¡±. It¡¯s really sad.¡±
¡°What song number is it?¡± I asked as I grabbed the CD and put it in the player on my nightstand.
¡°It¡¯s the second to last song. His songs on the CD are one, six, seven, thirteen and fourteen.¡±
¡°Ok. Got it.¡±
As the song began to play, a piano embraced the air around us as Greg¡¯s words powerfully yet gracefully told the story about a man¡¯s heartbreak. The song¡¯s final stanza completely gripped me as his lyrics pierced the air and my heart.
¡°Found a letter from a man I might have met,
addressed to you;
And I¡¯ll steal the words he ended with.
I
Miss
You.
And I do.¡±
The artistry of the song came to life as you could feel the pain through his voice as it coincided with the change in the piano. Not only did it penetrate my ears but also touched my soul as I couldn¡¯t help not to tear up. I¡¯ve questioned my manhood many times since I met Anya, but no more than at this moment as I was no longer immune to my emotions succumbing to the power of music. After a very emotional week for us, his song hit me square in the heart, and I learned why love had no memory as the negative feelings I held just a few days earlier melted away.
¡°Wow. I wasn¡¯t expecting that. Thank you for burning that song for me.¡± I said as I wiped my eyes. ¡°Have you ever had a song touch you so much?¡±
¡°You¡¯re welcome. Yes, I have. I feel music. Even the happy ones.¡± she said. ¡°He told me the story behind it.¡±
¡°You were able to talk with him?¡± I asked. ¡°Is it a true story?¡±
¡°Everything is true in the song according to Greg. He and his ex planned a trip to visit some friends but she took off before the trip.¡± she elaborated. ¡°She took off with a man.¡±
¡°That¡¯s absolutely heart wrenching. You can tell in his voice.¡±
¡°You can hear it in his voice for sure. He was heartbroken and missed her and wanted to die. When he sings ¡°I miss you¡± at the end of the song, you can hear the pain.¡±
¡°No doubt.¡± I said as I thought how Anya¡¯s departure from my life would leave me to feel the exact same thing as I understood further why the song gripped me.
¡°It¡¯s amazing because his last girlfriend was Mandy Moore and he doesn¡¯t care.¡± she said. ¡°If he could take her back he would. That¡¯s amazingly crazy!¡±
¡°I don¡¯t find that amazingly crazy at all.¡± I said. ¡°It kills you inside to imagine someone you love so much in someone else¡¯s arms. That someone else makes her smile. It leaves you not wanting anyone else. I get it.¡±
¡°He asked me if I ever missed someone so greatly that it paralyzes you. I told him yes and I know that pain. It¡¯s been four years and he¡¯s still hurt.¡±
As Anya shared with me Greg¡¯s story of heartbreak, I saw how similar him and I were in our thought process about love. There were just some losses in life so great you never really get over them, and I knew losing Anya would be that kind of loss; unlike a divorce, more like a death. When I heard about Anya¡¯s revelation she missed someone so greatly before it paralyzed her, I felt secure who she referred to because I felt the same thing.
¡°I know that feeling too.¡± I said as I held her tight and kissed her. ¡°I get him. I guess he¡¯s lucky in the sense he has options like a Mandy Moore. Could you imagine a man without those options at his disposal?¡±
¡°He didn¡¯t even like Mandy Moore. He said she was young and immature. He was married ten years with his ex.¡±
¡°What? She took off on him after they¡¯ve been married for ten years and he never even cheated on her?¡±
¡°Yes. Luckily they didn¡¯t have any kids. She called after a week went by to let him know what she was up to. She fell in love with someone else.¡±
¡°That¡¯s pretty vicious, evil and sick to do that to someone who truly loved her. Maybe there¡¯s more to it than he was willing to share with you. I don¡¯t know.¡±
¡°How great that he can express his feelings through music though. I mean what if you didn¡¯t have that?¡± she said. ¡°I guess you could write. What if you¡¯re not a writer? I guess you can just drink a lot! Just kidding!¡±
As she spoke these words to me, and because it was followed by a personal ¡°just kidding¡± it felt like a foreshadowing; a glimpse into the future from her as I knew my writing or drinking wouldn¡¯t be enough to help me live without her. I now realized how much I was at her mercy as all I could do was trust in her love for me; to trust she wasn¡¯t vicious, evil or sick like Greg Laswell¡¯s ex-wife appeared to be.
¡°By the way babe.¡± she said to me.
¡°What is it?¡± I asked in fear a bomb was about to be dropped.
¡°I love you in a white dress shirt and tie! You looked so handsome yesterday.¡±
¡°Thank you!¡± I exclaimed with relief. ¡°I should have worn one again today!¡±
¡°Ha! You always look handsome.¡± she said as she leaned up to kiss me then buried her head against my chest. ¡°I missed you so much when I left you last night.¡±
¡°I missed you too.¡± I said as I kissed the top of her head. ¡°I think that goes without saying at this point.¡±
¡°The girls are getting together again tonight but I¡¯m not in the mood. I¡¯m on the fence.¡±
¡°Are you tired?¡± I asked as I began to play with her hair.
¡°No, not tired. Just not in the mood.¡± she said. ¡°I read ur texts again last night before I went home. I teared up. I do every time I read them. They were the most beautiful things anyone has ever said to me.¡±
¡°I meant every word. It¡¯s how I truly feel.¡± I said as I held her a little tighter. ¡°Although I am a little worried about sharing a bathroom counter with you. I don¡¯t think there¡¯ll be enough room for me there. I think you¡¯d kick me out for sure.¡±
¡°Ha! No, I¡¯d never kick you out.¡± she said as she looked up again at me. ¡°Your space would just be smaller!¡±
¡°I can live with that.¡± I said as my lips met hers.
¡°You¡¯re easy babe.¡±
¡°I¡¯m glad you think so.¡±
¡°When I die¡¡± she said softly as her voice trailed off. ¡°I want to be buried at Paseos with you.¡±
¡°Ok. Next time I¡¯m there I¡¯ll be sure to ask if we can both be buried under ¡°Our Office¡±.¡± I joked. ¡°See if they can swing something for us. I think they like me enough to grant my request. I usually tip really well there! So I think it can happen.¡±
¡°I¡¯m not kidding babe.¡± she said in a serious tone as her moist eyes engaged mine. ¡°I want to be buried next to you.¡±
If there was ever a statement she felt we belonged together as much as I did, this was it even if our resting place where our eyes closed forever was the same place our open eyes first met.
Without a word, lost in only the communication of our eyes, a ship and its captain caught in a perfect storm of emotions, I positioned myself on top of her and pulled her body, like a vessel against a sudden current, dominantly underneath me as her eyes filled with excitement; a sense of awe and hope I had never seen in them before.
There are moments in our life we look back at and this was one of those times for me, a moment I didn¡¯t want to carry any regrets about, and a sin if I didn¡¯t do so. I had looked into Anya¡¯s artful dark eyes many times over the last eight months, but this time as their quiet resonant beauty reflected into mine, I had never seen so much love in them. They danced around me in excitement as they read my mind, and then sucked me in as I no longer saw her but rather her entire soul. As she began to touch me in the most sensually sensitive of places, I dreamt we were under a Paris moon while all the love in her eyes leapt into mine upon entry through her own sensual passageway. As we melted into one person, the love I felt for and from her was unlike any other time before as I held on to her for dear life afraid this moment might be the last.
When our time together elapsed as I laid face up with empty arms now alone in my bed, I stared into a ceiling I saw past after one of the most beautiful moments of my entire existence. I concluded at that moment if she left me I¡¯d never recover emotionally from it as the Landyn Lastman that existed before I met her was already buried somewhere else without anyone next to him. The person who used to only listen to hard rock and heavy metal now listened to the likes of Michael Buble, David Gray and Greg Laswell, and I did not miss that old Landyn at all. I believed the person I became with Anya was the person I had always been but somehow got lost along the winding trails of life. Through her, through the beauty of her dark eyes as I stared directly into her soul, I found myself and it was nothing short of a miracle.
I found it hard to gauge that her intentions were to lead me on as I couldn¡¯t imagine anyone could be that cruel and deceptive. I chalked my ideas up to the fact I never loved someone so much before and I didn¡¯t want to lose her because I¡¯d lose myself again forever as I knew there were no roads back. Regardless of her crazy schedule, she always found a way to see me and she always found a way to make time for me, even at times I didn¡¯t think she would as I felt blessed to have seen her two days in a row. When she told me I didn¡¯t know all the things she had to juggle to keep our contacts, she was trying to tell me she does everything she can to find a way to make this work, and I couldn¡¯t believe she wouldn¡¯t plan to find a way to be with me one day as well. I had to make adjustments in my life not so I wouldn¡¯t miss her, but to keep the missing under control so I could think more positively and hurt less when I couldn¡¯t hold her. If I wanted to spend the rest of my life with her, I simply had to.
1:55 p.m.
¡°I¡¯m always thankful for the time we have together. I miss you.¡±
Upon her return home, she text me and when she spelled out the entire word ¡°you¡± instead of ¡°u¡±, I felt her words were stronger than usual, and not just something she typed in a rush to keep me informed about her feelings; a sincerity I appreciated and felt as well.
Later that afternoon, she took her kids to the show and told me the theater played one of Greg¡¯s new songs ¡°How the Day Sounds¡± on the loudspeakers before the movie started, a song she also burned for me. I messaged her later that evening to see what she was up to and to let her know she was on my mind.
8:54 p.m.
¡°Hi! Sorry went out to dinner! You¡¯ve been on my mind since I left u. Thank you baby! You¡¯re always so sweet! I miss you very much! I love you!¡±
As I learned hours later this was her final text to me for the evening, I began to feel a little discouraged, engulfed by loneliness, and lost in what transpired earlier; the price I paid for living in the moment to have zero regrets. To help ease my heavy mind, and in lieu of journaling, I decided to read some articles off a website to see if anyone else could possibly relate to this heartache in an attempt to stymie the missing. With what had to be the universe¡¯s help, I came across an article written by a married woman who fell in love with another man who responded to a reader who criticized her for going astray; a woman in Anya¡¯s same position.
¡°I am a married woman who is having an affair with a single man, whom I love with my entire heart. I once loved my husband, but he is psychologically abusive. The man I am in love with was a friend, and I have known him for 10 years. I have never been the cheating type, and crossing that line with the man I am ln love with came as a result of marrying someone for the sake of the bond his and my children had formed. I ignored my own feelings, in order to make others happy and comfortable. Today, I regret having made that decision. I tried therapy with my husband it did not work, we can''t talk anymore, and I can''t stand his touch any more. I love the man I am having an affair with, and I will leave my husband, not for my lover, but for the sake of my old broken heart. I want to be with my lover.¡±
¡°I do not agree with you saying that a married woman having an affair with another man has no integrity. I am a married woman and am in love with another man and he is in love with me. He respects me and treats me like I want to be treated. My husband and I don''t have a marriage; all we have is a piece of paper keeping us legally bound. There is no love between us and we do not have sex. I am getting a divorce for myself. It has nothing to do with the other man. I stayed in the marriage for 23 years for the sake of the kids. It did more harm than good staying for that reason. What''s wrong with finding true love? My husband cheated on me and it tore my heart out. Ever since, our marriage has never been the same. I can''t help it if I fell in love with a man that is good to me and good for me.¡±
The striking similarity between this woman¡¯s situation and Anya¡¯s called out to me, and I began to tear up for the simple reason her words validated all of what I was fighting for Anya to have. As it gave me relief to know I was fighting for the right thing; Anya¡¯s future well-being. A woman didn¡¯t need to be physically abused, in fact psychological abuse was worse because at least the physical pain had a chance of going away. I then found another article written by a man caught in my same position and it hit me square in the gut as it captured the loneliness I felt in complete painful detail along with Mitch¡¯s constant message to me.
¡°Your weekends will be wasted as will vacations because whilst you are alone waiting at home for the phone to ring, they will be at social functions and parties and all kinds of domestic events that you would die to have but are never afforded the opportunity of having. The thing is your entire relationship is already founded on deceit. And if they can do it to their husband they can also do it to you. And they will. Eventually! They must leave not for you but for their own reasons. If they leave for you, you will be held silently accountable in future every time life is not perfect. And for all you know, they may always be looking backwards with a half-glance and all that they left behind. If children are involved in the marriage then you are contributing to destroy it and with it, the children''s stability. Walk away as fast as possible in the opposite direction and keep walking. Never fool yourself here, dating a married person is a complete waste of time. You will be nothing more than light relief to something far more serious in the shaky marriage. You are falling in love with someone you cannot have, you are second best most of the time and you will be extremely lonely. Most of the evenings will not be with your loved one so your relationship cannot grow.¡±
¡°A married lover simply wants to sit on the fence and never make a decision. They want their cake and eat it too. Finally, they will see you as part of the turmoil of their life and they will ditch you. Let us hope that you have the wisdom to walk away and not look back.¡±
This was a tough read but I just couldn¡¯t accept it all to be true, however it did open my eyes to the possibility for the first time I could be ditched; abandoned with all my feelings. Through both articles, I had a noble argument for what I fought for and a fair argument for throwing in the towel, but I also felt our situation was different than described in the second article. My love for Anya was not for kicks on a Saturday night which I believed most extramarital relationships were predicated on as she knew I was in this for nothing less than to marry her one day. However, it made me cognizant of the way it could end, especially the part I could be blamed for the turmoil in her life without any consideration for the true cause of the disorder; that the true problem existed where she was and in the person she married, not where she wanted to come to and the person she belonged with.
When the morning came after a night of dread and contemplation, Anya text me something that put my worried mind to rest.
7:42 a.m.
¡°Good morning! I changed my mind. I want my ashes to be spread out on ¡°our beach¡±. Care to join me?¡±
ME: ¡°Care to join u? I would be honored to. I missed u last night.¡±
ANYA: ¡°Cool! I missed u last night too! Well we¡¯re all meeting at Debbie¡¯s at 5 p.m. for a spill. We¡¯ll leave around 6. I love you.¡±
ME: ¡°Sounds like fun! I love you too.¡±
ANYA: ¡°Babe, I miss u. Do you have to work on Saturday? Can I come see u? R u free?¡±
ME: ¡°I¡¯m always free for u. Would love to see you.¡±
ANYA: ¡°K, will be in the morning but not sure what time yet.¡±
ME: ¡°No rush. Any time works.¡±
All morning I couldn¡¯t stop thinking about how beautiful she looked on Wednesday and the way she looked at me like never before. Now the most beautiful woman in my eyes hit me with the most beautiful thought as the fear of losing her became magnified greater than ever before. I didn¡¯t want to lose that. I didn¡¯t want to lose that love in her eyes. The only thing that made me feel worthy of the life around me, and the only time I ever felt I truly belonged here.
Her ears probably rang later that afternoon before she text me.
1:28 p.m.
¡°Hi!¡±
ME: ¡°Hi! What r u up to?¡±
ANYA: ¡°Busy! Working on Bat mitzvah stuff! How r u?¡±
ME: ¡°I¡¯m good. I just can¡¯t get off my mind how beautiful you looked yesterday! I miss you.¡±
ANYA: ¡°I miss you too. U keep saying that. I keep blushing. I don¡¯t think I look any different. I¡¯m curious. With or without clothes?¡±
ME: ¡°Just in the way your eyes met mine. I¡¯ve never seen you look at me that way before.¡±
ANYA: ¡°Every time is a different experience. I love when our eyes meet.¡±
ME: ¡°With or without clothes your beauty is constant. I felt so much love from you yesterday just from looking into your eyes. I swear I saw your soul.¡±
ANYA: ¡°Really? My eyes are dark but you can see right thru me via my eyes. I¡¯ve been told that by friends before. What you saw was a girl madly in love with a man!¡±
ME: ¡°I was really caught off guard by it and blown away. Ur eyes speak to me every time I look at u or talk to u. You have a way of talking to me through them. It makes them and you very beautiful. I could respond ¡°I love you too¡± just by looking into your eyes without you saying a word. To further answer your question, every part of you, interior and exterior is beautiful to me. The interior though is what I saw yesterday that made you look more beautiful than ever. A part no one gets to see but me.¡±
ANYA: ¡°You could definitely talk to me with your eyes! Your eyes are the window to your soul! Not to mention how beautiful they are! Could feel your love when I look into them! Xoxo!¡±
ME: ¡°I think you need to know this. When my eyes are open they look for you. When they are closed they dream of you, but having you in my eyes is the only thing that makes them beautiful.¡±
ANYA: ¡°Aww babe. This is why our connection is so special. That¡¯s beautiful. I love you.¡±
When we began our text messages on this afternoon, I didn¡¯t expect to be transported to the beauty of yesterday, but so glad I went back there. Humility and graciousness filled me to know she felt the same way whenever her eyes fell into mine as I made a conscious effort to pour my heart and soul into her over the past week.
10:51 p.m.
¡°Loved our texts today. Goodnight. I love you.¡±
We shared one of our most romantic textchanges yet as my only regret was being unable to tell her in person, but little did I know I¡¯d soon get the opportunity to do so.
On this day we exchanged close to forty text messages, but the following day we exchanged only ten; an unusually quiet twenty four hours from her. I then got a text from her later that evening that simply read;
9:18 p.m.
¡°Goodnight u!¡±
I hadn¡¯t heard from her much the entire day, but when I did, she didn¡¯t refer to me as ¡°babe¡±, or ¡°baby¡±, or ¡°love¡±, just ¡°u¡±. I¡¯ve used that phase before to people I either didn¡¯t have feelings for or I just didn¡¯t know. I hated to over think, but taken into consideration what I read on the internet, the negative reception I received from her on Tuesday mixed in with this sudden loud emptiness I felt, prodded me. Especially when I thought of how silent and still my usually lively phone had been on this day.
The next morning before her visit, her inconsistent behavior and indifference greeted me as all I feared precariously bordered fruition even as I held the belief she would find a way for us to be together; somehow, someway, someday.
7:15 a.m.
¡°Good morning. R u there?¡±
I know this sounds crazy, but if anyone ever found themselves in a situation such as this, you start to pay attention to details brought forth by the war between your heart and mind. I noticed two strange things in her text on a visit day from her; no exclamation point after ¡°morning¡±, and an ¡°r u there?¡±, two text anomalies, an extension from the ¡°u¡± the night before. I pushed through with reason though and considered maybe her husband had confronted her as I needed to remain sensitive to her situation even amidst the sudden pang I felt in my heart.
ME: ¡°Good morning. I¡¯m here. Is everything okay?¡±
ANYA: ¡°Still unsettled. We need to talk. Can I come over at around 9:45ish?¡±
ME: ¡°Absolutely. See you then.¡±
ANYA: ¡°K. C u then.¡±
I didn¡¯t know what to expect as all I could do was prepare for the worst. When she arrived late, eleven minutes to be exact, she stayed consistent with her inconsistency since last evening.
9:56 a.m.
¡°Here¡±
It was the first time I ever dreaded a ¡°here¡± text from her as I walked slowly to the gate to delay the inevitable. When her eyes met mine, for a woman who was unsettled, she looked as beautiful as any time she ever visited me before, dressed in a flowered purple blouse and white jeans. She snatched my hand slowly in hers as we headed toward our sanctuary of fate. On our stroll, I didn¡¯t take notice of any colorful lively flowers, or the beauty in the sky above me as my eyes were solely on her and only in uncertainty. I then made small talk to keep things light until we reached my apartment. When we got inside and after I locked the door behind us, she came into my arms and stayed there longer than usual. When she finally brought herself to leave my embrace she looked into my eyes and told me the following.
¡°I¡¯ve come to tell you I¡¯m breaking up with you, Landyn.¡± she said. ¡°Please don¡¯t try to talk me out of it. I¡¯ve made up my mind.¡±
I then came up to her and pressed my thumbs gently across her face to wipe away the tears that raced down her cheeks.
¡°I¡¯m sorry, Sweetheart.¡± I said. ¡°but your eyes tell me I have to.¡±
CHAPTER 5 ~ UNDER A BLUE SKY MOON
¡°Shed your light on me.
Be my eyes when I can¡¯t see.
Shed your light on me.
Be my guide so I can see the bigger picture.¡±
~ ¡°The Bigger Picture¡± Dream Theater
As my life stood before me while a stream of tears ran over my thumbs, I¡¯ve never felt so much pain in my heart for another human being. Anya was not well, much like a leukemia patient who wanted to end their treatments but as the one who truly loved her, I had to fight for her not to give up hope.
¡°Please don¡¯t. I¡¯ve made up my mind. This is what I want.¡± she said as she slowly shook her head.
¡°I can¡¯t let you do this. You even told me yourself you¡¯d rather die than never have me in your life.¡± I countered. ¡°Sweetheart, do you know how much you mean to me? Your being is integral to my own. Without you I¡¯m lost; I¡¯m no one.¡±
¡°Babe, I need to do this. Please understand. I need to do this.¡±
¡°But for who? For kids who don¡¯t know your pain? For a husband who doesn¡¯t truly know who you are? For friends and family who believe he truly loves you?¡± I argued. ¡°Your tears tell me you¡¯re doing this for others; not for you, and you know¡you¡you just matter too. You matter too! I can¡¯t let you throw this away for other people who don¡¯t know your struggle.¡±
¡°I have to leave you now, Landyn. There¡¯s nothing you can say that can make me change my mind. I¡¯ve made it up.¡± she reiterated. ¡°I will always love you.¡±
¡°This isn¡¯t a Bridges of Madison County situation. This wasn¡¯t a three-day love affair. This is much deeper. Much different. This is eight months of the greatest love we¡¯ve ever felt.¡± I said hopelessly. ¡°Please don¡¯t discard us. I will always love you too.¡±
¡°I¡¯m not discarding us. This is the only way I can make this better right now.¡±
¡°Better for who though? I think you¡¯re making a big mistake.¡± I said. ¡°Only our relationship status changes if we break up; not all our feelings.¡±
¡°Please understand I need to do this right now. Please understand. I beg you.¡± she continued. ¡°Please don¡¯t hate me. I love you.¡±
I didn¡¯t know what to say as my low self-esteem resurfaced to make her request more complicated. It felt like rejection to me, like it always had whenever my feelings were known as I didn¡¯t know anything else. What twisted my thoughts even more was the fact she shared a bed with another man as I started to feel played for a fool. I put my heart and soul into this relationship, and it seemed just like every single time before, whenever I put myself out there, women get fearful and ran away from me. Now, even a woman who told me ¡°I love you forever¡±, a woman who wanted her ashes to be placed at ¡°our beach¡±, a woman who visited my place over twenty times, a woman who nonetheless initiated the entire relationship now wanted to break up with me? A woman who told me she wanted to run to me now wanted to run away from me? One thing was certain with all my confusing thoughts, the war between my heart and mind was now officially declared. The battle line drawn as my heart felt overwhelmed under the heavy onslaught of negative emotions.
It did my heart good to know her tears had stopped, but what was she trying to prove to herself? I was the second guy here, not the first so this relationship was a decision and not a mistake. As much as this pained me, and as much as the negative emotions continued to fill me, I had to understand her position or at least try to. If I didn¡¯t empathize with her situation and tried to argue with a mind already made up, I feared I¡¯d be wrong to do so and do more harm than good, perhaps even irreversibly. I had to give her credit as she came to do this in person and not over a text. I then let something strange inside my head, a stray positive thought like a newly formed galaxy, something absolutely foreign to me, self-confidence. A confidence I never had in myself before I met Anya that she blessed me with. The confidence to believe if she felt anything close to what I felt for her that my absence could only bring her back to me. At that point I decided to return to the state of mind I simply had to have; to trust in her love.
¡°Ok. I love you too.¡± I said as I brought her into my arms. ¡°Always.¡±
Magnetically our lips met for possibly the final time as I felt her tears upon my face. She then began to lightly tug at my shirt as if she wanted me to take it off, and once I obliged her non-verbal request, she then removed her purple flowered blouse. I brought her body into mine to feel her bare skin and to inhale a sweet scent I could never get enough of as she began to rub her breasts soothingly against my chest as we stood there in my living room with the strength to stand there for hours. I wanted so badly to pick her up, to lay her on my couch and to remove her hot white jeans, to make love to her at the height of such great emotions, but I decided against it afraid of a greater sadness to follow. If she felt it was for the best, I had to listen to her, and if she loved me, if she ever truly did, then she would fight for us, the way I had done. The emotions at times strangled us like a python and left us in a state of paralysis unable to escape its coils. She needed to be there for her children right now, free of this paralysis, and I needed to do a better job of understanding that dynamic at home especially around her husband. When the time came, my partnership promotion would bring to light how all of this could work out. If Jackson were to figure things out right now, she would be inclined to stay, and that could very well be one of the reasons for her exit. I felt certain she didn¡¯t want that even though my low self-esteem brought on mostly by fatigue, a lack of sleep and my past, questioned it at times, but I somehow had to find a way to see stars in the daylight.
We held each other for a half hour, and it was then I decided to make it easy on her. I didn¡¯t mean to give her a fight, but I loved her, and I wanted the best for her. I then realized I needed to listen to her too, and put the fight on hold to keep any chance of love alive for both of us. When she left that day I did not know if this would be our last time together, but history had shown me when a girl made up their mind about me, they never came back. Only time would tell, but as we said our goodbyes after what could have been our final walk to the gate together, the final time I held her hand in mine, and quite possibly the final time I¡¯d see her, I thought about all the things she ever told me from her heart, all the times she found herself lost in my eyes, all the times she came to visit me when it seemed an impossibility, all the tears she ever cried and I still held hope for us; The eternal hope I¡¯d see her again.
I didn¡¯t feel it was right for me to text her as I thought it best to honor her decision even with hope in my heart. For me to text her would be an act of disrespect toward her decision, and it¡¯s the last thing I wanted to portray to her. She had already been disrespected enough by the man she married as I remembered the time my mother told me to not be like every other man out there; she already had one. If we were meant to be together, we would be together. I didn¡¯t have an ego, I never assumed I was better than anyone else, but I did have pride after so much heartache in my past. It¡¯s why I asked for brutal honesty in the beginning from her so I could protect my heart, but now brutal honesty could destroy me, and pride could easily get in the way of my message.
As for Anya, I didn¡¯t expect to hear from her, and as much as it broke my heart when I thought about it, I understood. This was simply her show so I decided to let her run it. Two hours later though, the show she ran unexpectedly took the stage.
12:58 p.m.
¡°I can tell this is going to be very hard. I miss u very much and I feel sick. I¡¯m angry at my situation. I hope ur ok. I will always love u.¡±
ME: ¡°I¡¯m ok. Please don¡¯t worry about me. I will always love you, but I also will always want to be with you.¡±
ANYA: ¡°I do worry about u. I want to be w/u too. If you would have me as a friend maybe we can get together now and then. Maybe too soon right now.¡±
The ¡°friend¡± word didn¡¯t set too well with me as I felt demoted, and after all the love we shared it was hard for me to grasp. Lance the romantic singer was also now a ¡°friend¡± too as it left me to wonder if he suffered the same fate. After eight months, after all we shared, I didn¡¯t appreciate the label; it made me feel used. I tried to douse the negative fire inside me for the sake of my being wrong once again. The problem was I couldn¡¯t be a good friend. I¡¯d feel non-authentic and would always want more. I decided not to respond to her text because I simply couldn¡¯t, but she sent me another one a couple of hours later.
3:03 p.m.
¡°Just know I will never be with another man. I will never kiss another man. I will never love another man like I love u. This I promise forever.¡±
I hated that she was married to another man, especially him of all people, and seemed to be okay with it after all we shared; after she allowed me into her life. I honestly would rather her meet another man because at least I¡¯d know she found happiness, I came into something considered beyond repair, and my time wasn¡¯t wasted although I strongly felt I should have been that man simply because I made her a better person. I couldn¡¯t believe she would even consider staying with him after all she told me, after all we shared. If she stayed I don¡¯t know how she¡¯d be able to apply her makeup because how could she honestly be able to look at herself in the mirror? I was the second man here, not the first. This wasn¡¯t about revenge, was it? I began to fear she believed money did indeed lead to happiness, and she chose to stay with her abuser as the money blinded and even numbed her to his abuse. She could tell me all these sweet things, but she was with another man already; one she promised to leave if she fell in love with me. I wasn¡¯t completely convinced she was still there after being cheated on several times for nothing less than the money. Even though I knew her words came from a good place in her heart, I would never be around to know if she kept such a promise if she stayed as sadly I couldn¡¯t trust in her promises because they lacked transparency. This statement almost felt like she still loved her husband albeit in a different way, as the demons from my past began to talk to me once again.
I couldn¡¯t respond to her texts. I didn¡¯t want my responses to come out as if they were about my feelings as I tried to honor her decision without breaking down. I didn¡¯t want to hurt her or discourage her from what she attempted to do, but later that evening she revealed her struggle.
7:26 p.m.
¡°Hi. Cried all day. Can¡¯t move. Feel so empty and depressed. I canceled my plans for tonight and home alone. I think the worst is yet to come. Please tell me ur ok.¡±
ME: ¡°I¡¯m ok. I feel the same. I fear the worst is yet to come too.¡±
ANYA: ¡°I¡¯m so sorry. My heart is broken. Ur love is such a gift. Having had that will carry me thru. I¡¯m a better person because of you. I miss u like I¡¯ve never missed before.¡±
I didn¡¯t know how to respond other than to let her know I missed her like no one else before as well. The fact she was a better person because of me validated every reason why I felt this was all a mistake and she should no longer be with her husband.
7:58 p.m.
¡°I didn¡¯t pick my marriage over you. There¡¯s no marriage. I know I¡¯ve said it before but it¡¯s hard to understand a mom¡¯s sacrifice. I really did want to be with you.¡±
In a span of just a few hours it went from ¡°I want to be with you¡± to ¡°I really did want to be with you.¡±, and I didn¡¯t know what to believe anymore as her mind seemed to change with every passing hour. I understood a mother¡¯s sacrifice because I knew my own mother¡¯s sacrifice, but I just didn¡¯t understand this particular mother¡¯s sacrifice as it represented a lie more than the truth. Her marriage carried no trust only deception, and I didn¡¯t understand it for the life of me why she felt it was one worthy of sacrifice. It appeared the message to her children was as long as someone provides for you, although they emotionally abuse and exert financial control over you, that you should always stay committed to them even though they can never be trusted to remain committed to you. I could understand her position if I hadn¡¯t been in her life but I didn¡¯t understand it now. It made absolutely zero sense to me because of the nature of our relationship, and just like the woman wrote in the internet article I found, I felt it would do more harm than good in the end, but at the same time I had to let her figure it out on her own because I had now become emotionally distraught and my message would come out wrong. I had to respect Anya was entitled to feel all what she did, although I wholly disagreed with it.
ME: ¡°How did I make u a better person?¡±
ANYA: ¡°U woke up my inner self. My heart is full of love, something I haven¡¯t had in years. I can smell the roses again. I appreciate the little details of life. I¡¯ve realized I¡¯ve been dead inside. I can now continue to raise my kids and move forward with great appreciation. I don¡¯t take things for granted anymore.¡±
As I read her text, I was genuinely happy I made a positive difference in her life, but when I read she could now continue to raise her kids, move forward with great appreciation, and that she didn¡¯t take things for granted anymore; I never felt more used by someone in my life. It¡¯s not like I wanted anything less for her in life as I came into it to heal her and to make her into a better person but isn¡¯t that the kind of man every woman should be with? I couldn¡¯t believe what I read, and in my silence, she pressed on even further.
ANYA: ¡°I saw the world differently this time on top of the Empire State Building. With your love in my heart I was actually able to see the beauty of the city. It¡¯s like a blind person that was given a chance to see again all b/c of u. That¡¯s how I¡¯m better.¡±
Her second text was a little more of what I wanted to hear, but I was still unsettled by her last text. The goal was for her to leave, not to stay and if she did I failed her. I told her in the very beginning of our relationship, I didn¡¯t want to fill a void and her statements seemed to confirm that¡¯s exactly what I did as I could no longer stop myself from pretending I was perfectly fine with this.
ME: ¡°I put my heart and soul on the line for you to be with you, not to fill a void in your life. Glad to be of service.¡±
Her response made me feel like I was used for a feeling, and to feel this kind of love then be discarded didn¡¯t feel like love to me at all. For the second time in our relationship, I felt the subtle difference between being ¡°in¡± love and just merely loving someone as it even felt like her feelings changed for me and I didn¡¯t appreciate it after I exposed my heart and soul to her. I loved her deeply now and I felt it wasn¡¯t fair to abandon me with all I felt. I could never dream of doing something like this to her as I believed love always caught the ones who fell and didn¡¯t let someone go under any circumstances. I then began to lose sight of the bigger picture in front of us along with the three things no one should ever give up on in life as Anya responded with indifference.
ANYA: ¡°I gave u my heart. I gave it all. I put my heart and soul on the line too. I really wanted us. If ur blaming me for taking a chance don¡¯t know what to say to u.¡±
ME: ¡°I don¡¯t think anyone should take a chance with another person¡¯s heart in play. I trusted your unhappiness so I gave you a chance to have it, but now I feel like all I did was fill a void in your marriage after I let you know this is why I walked away the first time. I feel like you even used me to build up your self-esteem. Now you¡¯re filled up with love again which is good, it¡¯s what I want you to be, but only one of us is left to feel that way, and I don¡¯t feel the ¡°love¡± in that. I didn¡¯t want to fill you with love so you could find the strength to stay in your marriage but to leave it behind and that¡¯s what this feels like to me. After all you¡¯ve told me, are you really hurting at all?¡±
ANYA: ¡°If u think I¡¯m not hurting just as much if not more you¡¯re wrong! I love u to death! I¡¯m dying inside. I can¡¯t make this better except to say I¡¯m leaving right now. I felt like I was pushed to make a decision. I¡¯m not ready to talk to my kids. I didn¡¯t want to keep u waiting and hurting w/o a definite promise.¡±
Her text communication at times took me aback, and these were one of those times as I realized my response, based mostly on a hard luck past, put me in the wrong. Her text grabbed me by the throat as I felt the pain in her words; she felt pushed to make a decision. A decision she wanted to make, but just couldn¡¯t at this time. It made me take a step back to see how I couldn¡¯t let my past failures with women, even one who loved me then left me, hurt her. It was as if my thoughts were made of knives and whenever I spoke to her, she could be cut by them, but I had to take these knives out of my severed heart at the same time. After this text was sent to me, I felt convinced this was something she didn¡¯t want to do but felt she had to, and for me to feel the way I did was wrong, but I missed her to death. She had two kids who were her everything, but she was my everything. I had never felt more awful about anything I communicated to her before as I regretted this exchange, but at the same time, I wouldn¡¯t have learned this if I hadn¡¯t been honest about the way I felt.
Before I could apologize to her, she drove her point further home.
ANYA: ¡°If I could take all ur pain, I would. I¡¯m deeply sorry. Ur very angry w/me and I think we should stop communicating until you stop hating me for what I¡¯ve done. I did it b/c I love you. I LOVE YOU. Ur a fool if u think I came out smelling like roses! U did not build up my self-esteem. I did. The last 7 months were the best months. I¡¯m broken too.¡±
ME: ¡°I¡¯m sorry babe, but a woman who loves me forever is leaving me, and that¡¯s a tough thing for me to understand when the last 7 months were the best months of my entire life. To lose that is very hard because you¡¯re everything to me. You¡¯re more than just a special person in my life, you are my life.¡±
ANYA: ¡°The last 7 months were the best months of my entire life too. I was the happiest. How could I not hurt?¡±
Her words helped smooth over my past low self-esteem issues for the moment, a first in my life through such an emotionally devastating event. I hated to lose her this way as it felt I not only let her down but also failed her, and it left me angry with only one person; myself.
ANYA: ¡°I love you with all my heart and soul. I meant what I said about my ashes. If we don¡¯t end up together I will have my ashes scattered on ¡°our beach¡±. I will put it in my will. This I promise forever.¡±
When she mentioned she¡¯d still have her ashes scattered on ¡°our beach¡±, even if we were never together, it left me stunned, but her statement also gave me hope we could work things out one day. As beautiful as her thought was though, I didn¡¯t feel right as it would only confuse her children in the end with her honesty only in death intentions.
ANYA: ¡°I love you. I can¡¯t make things up. You see right thru me. I mean what I say.¡±
ME: ¡°I truly love you too. I hope you know that. You have the saved texts if you ever have any doubt.¡±
ANYA: ¡°I know that b/c I feel the same way. I promise if things change u will be the only person I will run to. U can¡¯t wait for me though. It will happen if meant to be.¡±
ME: ¡°Ok. If we¡¯re meant to be, we will. I¡¯m holding you to that, and I want you to sprint! I love you forever.¡±
ANYA: ¡°Ok I will sprint! I think so too, babe. I love you forever. Please have me as a friend. I want to keep in contact. I don¡¯t want to lose u. You¡¯re my best friend.¡±
ME: ¡°I¡¯ll always be here for you. You¡¯re my best friend too.¡±
ANYA: ¡°Thank you. That means a lot to me. I¡¯ll always be here for you too. I will let you go. Goodnight my sweet Landyn. I love you forever.¡±
I went to bed that evening more alone than I ever felt, but at least I understood better why she felt she needed to do this as I felt responsible for it all. I had to be like a CD she burned for me, to let her put me in a player and control the play button, as I hoped the music she filled me with were soft and kind love songs.
I woke up the next morning to the dark reality the love of my life was gone. I knew I¡¯d never again say I did not know love as I knew it intimately and as painfully as anyone could ever know it. I experienced how the magic of life disappeared while the beauty in life simultaneously disengaged itself to bring me into a less than dull existence than before I met her. I just laid on my side in bed and stared at the pillow next to me, at her side, almost always absent, but now truly so. All her smiles, all her warmth, all her laughs, and all her passion gone from my life. I only had her bra and CD¡¯s to take her place and I kept them dear to my heart with high reverence as if they were my only worldly possessions because they simply were.
The length of time did not define the amount of love between two people; the amount of feelings invested in one another did that, and I was not one for portfolio diversification. The thing that hurt the most about Anya¡¯s absence was the feeling she thought somehow I would return to a life of happiness as if it existed before I met her. She didn¡¯t seem to understand the value of what she meant to me, and it¡¯s the only thing that left me unsettled, but she was with a man who did not appreciate the value in her, even as great as she was in my eyes, so I couldn¡¯t blame her. I just didn¡¯t think like most men. I didn¡¯t use women for sex, and I never cared to experience it other than with someone I loved which scared me about the sex she still had with him. I wanted her to know there could be no one else, but the one I loved, even if she left my life; never the divorcee, forever the widower, eternal soulmates.
From this point on I decided it best to no longer initiate texts. I had done so and they seemed to always get her at a bad time. The only way I could get her to listen to herself was to let her completely run the show, more than she already did. The truth was simply this; she pursued this relationship not me. All I did was put my trust in what she wanted and that she would never put me in a position to hurt her kids and feel the way I did. Based on what she told me about Jackson Caiaphas, she convinced me her marriage was beyond repair, but now I felt trapped under this great despair like a continental sheet of ice pulled swiftly underneath by a strong current as I hoped for a break. When she text me later that morning, it caught me by total surprise as I expected not to hear from her especially on a Sunday, a day mostly spent in the company of her kids.
10:21 a.m.
¡°I just wanted to say good morning and I miss u. Hope u got some rest, thank you for the tender ending of our evening. Have a nice day. I will always love u.¡±
ME: ¡°I slept well, I hope ur ok. I miss u too. I will always love u. Don¡¯t ever question it. Have a nice day too.¡±
ANYA: ¡°I¡¯m going to have to be ok. Going to put on my happy face for the kids today. I love u forever.¡±
After I returned her pleasantries, I suddenly felt less than alone. I wrestled with the idea to turn off my phone, but decided to just leave it in my room and hang out in my living room to write as the thought of a possible fun filled family day for her, events I did not have at my disposal but wish I had, left me greatly depressed. I wanted to get out of the house to possibly visit my parents, but I wasn¡¯t in the mood to drive. I walked into my room two hours later to check on my phone but there were no new messages, the red light on my phone in hibernation. I then went back in the living room and sank into my couch, my face buried in a pillow. I didn¡¯t cry though, I just felt numb with disbelief. I went back in my room an hour later to check on my phone as its now awakened red light called out to me.
2:01 p.m.
¡°Can I still text you? Can I still tell u I miss u? Can I still tell u I love u? Would that be too hard for u? Sorry I don¡¯t know the proper protocol for a breakup.¡±
ME: ¡°It wouldn¡¯t be hard for me if you still wanted to, as long as you really want to and it doesn¡¯t feel like an obligation.¡±
After I responded to her text then didn¡¯t hear back from her, I decided to leave my apartment and head over to the nearby mall. As I noticed all the happy couples around me, I then began to tear up in public. After an hour passed when I realized I couldn¡¯t predict my emotions, I decided to go home to try and sleep them away as I hoped to get lost in my dreams. When I woke up two hours later at around five, and completely out of it with a phone on my chest, I noticed its red text indicator light woke up with me.
This story originates from a different website. Ensure the author gets the support they deserve by reading it there.
5:12 p.m.
¡°I miss u. I love u.¡±
ME: ¡°I miss u. I love u too.¡±
ANYA: ¡°How r u?¡±
ME: ¡°I¡¯m ok, babe. Please don¡¯t worry about me. How r u?¡±
ANYA: ¡°I¡¯m ok. I¡¯ll always worry about you. I love you.¡±
What I came to learn over the course of our relationship was that it appeared every Sunday night she prepared family dinners which led me to believe I¡¯d not hear from her for the rest of the evening. I took notice of this family activity when she told me one Sunday evening she took Katie¡¯s phone away at the table because she was texting, and she felt ganged up on by her mother in law and husband for doing so. Based on a lack of Sunday evening texts in comparison to other evenings during the week I received, it just seemed Sunday evenings were dedicated family nights. On this particular family night however, little did I know I was going to find out all Anya went through on her end, how much I truly meant to her, and the real reason why she left me. It all started off unsuspectingly enough with a very hard to read text from her a couple of hours later.
7:12 p.m.
¡°I think I¡¯m having a harder time than u. I can¡¯t stop tearing up. I love you very much. I¡¯m sorry for bugging you.¡±
ME: ¡°Sweetheart, please don¡¯t cry. I don¡¯t want you to feel bad for what you felt was best for us. I don¡¯t want you to think this is easy on me too. I feel like I¡¯m disintegrating. I¡¯ve taken several naps throughout the day so I don¡¯t deal with the emotions. I tried to get out of my apartment but teared up in public and had to go back home. I haven¡¯t eaten all day and I¡¯m not hungry at all. I¡¯m not telling you this so you can worry about me, I¡¯ll be ok. I¡¯m only telling you this because I want you to know what you mean to me. I just wanted you to know we¡¯re still connected; always one person. I love you very much.¡±
After I sent her this text, I didn¡¯t hear back from her. I then sent her another one just so she knew we were in this together.
ME: ¡°You could never bug me and breaking up with me can¡¯t change the way I feel about you. I¡¯m here for you if you need me. I hope you¡¯re ok.¡±
I didn¡¯t hear back from her again until an hour after I sent this text, and when I did it highlighted all the reasons why I fought for her to leave.
8:34 p.m.
¡°I just broke down in front of my family. They don¡¯t know why and I didn¡¯t explain. I feel so lost. I¡¯m sorry ur going thru this.¡±
As I read her text, I had a strong reason to suspect one person knew why she broke down in front of her family; Jackson Caiaphas. Instead of coming to the aid of his wife¡¯s unhappiness, a sadness he created, he decided to break her down and watch her suffer instead just like any abuser would, even in the face of all their remorseless transgressions. I was more upset about her breakdown than her leaving me as I wanted to go to his home and announce myself in order to rescue her. Her poor children though, two innocent souls in all of this, would not only be confused but also devastated, the only thing that stopped my nobility in its tracks. When I read this text I began to dream of the day, for the first time ever, I¡¯d get to talk with Jackson, man to man and face to face, to let him know the reason why I was in her life. If he was suspicious, it was for good reason as karma came in the form of Landyn Lastman for all the women he ever abused and the marriages he carelessly wrecked. To have the knowledge of all he did, and to watch his wife suffer, to bring her to the point of deception so he could keep his money and reputation in tact was beyond shameful. I never felt so helpless in my life than the moment after I read her text as this was the last thing I ever envisioned or wanted her to ever experience, but it also pleased me to know that her love could not be hidden because it was as real as the constant shaping of the universe.
ME: ¡°Babe, I¡¯m here for you. Please don¡¯t be sad and breakdown. I¡¯m not going anywhere. You¡¯re my best friend. You¡¯re the love of my life. I¡¯m here. Please be strong.¡±
ANYA: ¡°I know, thank u. It¡¯s so hard. I so want to c u and hold u again. I can barely see my screen as I type b/c I can¡¯t stop tearing up. I love u. Thank u for being there.¡±
The last thing I wanted was for her kids to see their mother in any pain as I felt like the cause of it all. I wanted her to know I was there for her, and I wasn¡¯t upset with her. I misunderstood a lot of things and my low sense of self-worth got in the way because of my past, but my past was just that as I recognized how far I had come and grown too. I didn¡¯t want her kids to find out about us, and I certainly didn¡¯t want her husband to find out as I tried to find the words to make her feel better. Later that evening, she text me again.
9:37 p.m.
¡°I rented ¡°Something¡¯s Gotta Give.¡± Going to watch it now. Makes me feel closer to you.¡±
ME: ¡°Finally you hold up your end of the bargain! Just kidding, babe! I think you¡¯ll like it. Paris reminds me of us. Love that scene. How r u holding up?¡±
ANYA: ¡°Its been two tough days and I¡¯m grateful you¡¯re not ignoring my texts. It¡¯s comforting to know you¡¯re on the other side. I love you.¡±
ME: ¡°I would never in a million years ignore your texts. I love you too. Call me weird but I really love that movie. I hope you do too.¡±
ANYA: ¡°If ur weird I guess I¡¯m weird b/c we¡¯re one. I know I¡¯ll love it! I love you forever! Good night my love.¡±
ME: ¡°No matter what, we will always be one. I love you forever too. Goodnight.¡±
ANYA: ¡°Always baby.¡±
On my quest for true love, the strangest of all things happened to me, and it shattered all my prior beliefs in it as Anya showed sometimes you have to risk losing someone to show them how much you love them. With my low self-esteem issues now pushed aside, my heart soundly defeated my mind in this particular battle, as I felt her love for me greater than ever before. The only thing that broke my heart was she suffered greatly, more than ever before too. What I came to learn was this sweet woman¡¯s greatest weakness, just like my own, was being a people pleaser, but an extreme one. She put herself last for everyone else for years until she met Lance, but although she put herself on the backburner for the sake of other people¡¯s happiness, there was one problem; she was truly the one in dire need and in the greatest pain. She didn¡¯t want to break up with me; I became a need in her life, and was definitely on her Maslow¡¯s hierarchy of need, and it upset me to conclude I didn¡¯t see this at first because of my past. The parade leader, Jackson Caiaphas, took it all in stride though even after he committed a great crime in their family yet determined to come out unscathed while the one he abused took the blame for everything. It broke my heart to hear she broke down in front of her family, but it proved my argument if her well-being wasn¡¯t intact, if she was unhappy, it could be reflected on her children. A part of me was glad they witnessed her struggle because this is why I fought for her, not to break up a family. They needed to know her sacrifice in some way, and it was a great one; one I found bothersome they didn¡¯t know, but I also understood why they couldn¡¯t. Most importantly, it showed me Anya was indeed a bad actress, and I loved that honest side about her more than anything as I pinned our hopes on her authenticity. After she broke down in front of the kids, I made up my mind to fight harder for her; to really challenge her to have a love in her life she could trust in because I knew it would last long after her ashes were strewn upon ¡°our beach¡±. We were now each other¡¯s ecosystem; one heartbeat and one hope. To ignore her anguish would be like ignoring a child or a helpless animal drowning in a moving river as they clung to a rock to avoid the waterfall¡¯s certain finality. I had to get on solid ground to save her though as I was in the water with her, and near solid footing, but not quite on it enough to pull her in. That¡¯s what love does though, it doesn¡¯t just try; it does as her breakdown provided me with some of the solid footing I needed to save her. After a heart breaking day for both of us, I felt more secure about her love for me as I vowed to fight my past and bring her back home to me where she truly belonged.
The emotional weekend left me too unfocused to work so I called in sick on Monday morning, and it was a good thing I did as Anya text me throughout the day.
10:15 a.m.
¡°Barely got out of bed to take the kids to camp this morning. So unlike me. I can¡¯t seem to get it together. Btw I loved the movie! Paris! How r u?¡±
ME: ¡°I¡¯m sorry to hear that. I¡¯m ok, Sweetheart. I¡¯m happy to hear you loved the movie! I love the scene when he shows up to see her in Paris. Clean shaven with the Eiffel Tower in the background. Such a fun scene. Have you talked to Debbie or Carolyn?¡±
ANYA: ¡°That was a great moment in the movie! I told Carolyn and Debbie about us. They feel bad. They hope you¡¯re ok. I told them about my ashes. Carolyn wants me to tell her and Debbie the location. They will make sure my wishes will be carried out at ¡°our beach¡±. I don¡¯t remember the exact location so I would have to drive them there if that¡¯s ok with you.¡±
ME: ¡°The name of the location is Abalone Cove. It¡¯s in Palos Verdes. I think it¡¯s easy to find as long as you have the name although the trail to get down to the beach is a little adventurous.¡±
ANYA: ¡°Carolyn keeps saying ¡°u never know¡¡± but just in case I will tell her where. I hope ur ok. I think I¡¯m making it difficult by texting u. Am I right?¡±
ME: ¡°I love the way Carolyn thinks! I agree with her. No, I think it would hurt me more if u stopped texting me.¡±
ANYA: ¡°K baby. Thank u.¡±
ME: ¡°Do you think Carolyn is right when she says ¡°U never know¡±?¡±
ANYA: ¡°Yes, I absolutely do. Even if we don¡¯t end up together and u change ur mind b/c u fell in love with someone else. I will leave a long note for them w/my reasons why.¡±
ME: ¡°You would still have your ashes put at ¡°our beach¡± even if I fell in love w/someone else?¡±
ANYA: ¡°Yes. That¡¯s how much you mean to me. That¡¯s how much I think you¡¯re my soulmate. That¡¯s how much I love you.¡±
ME: ¡°I wouldn¡¯t feel right about that. What if I wasn¡¯t there with you? I also couldn¡¯t let you do that to your children. They would be really confused by it, babe.¡±
ANYA: ¡°I don¡¯t care.¡±
Once you meet your soulmate, you¡¯re certain from that point on who you¡¯re meant to give your soul to as I connected with Anya on a level unparalleled and knew my assigned purpose to carry out in my life. I didn¡¯t know how to respond to her text of indifference, but as sure as the earth knew it would feel the sun¡¯s warmth, I knew I¡¯d never truly fall in love again.
ME: ¡°I believe there is hope for us one day. I believe in our love today more than ever. I miss you and I love you.¡±
ANYA: ¡°I believe in our love too. This may not be the right time for us but I will not give up hope. This I promise. I miss you and love you too.¡±
She text me later that evening with a consistent message and all I needed for her to believe in right now.
ANYA: ¡°One day. I miss u.¡±
ME: ¡°One beautiful day. I miss u too.¡±
ANYA: ¡°Can I still text u goodnight?¡±
ME: ¡°As long as you want to. I¡¯m so used to your goodnight texts; it would be harder for me if you stopped. I wish we could just go back to ¡°our beach¡± and hold each other again. I love you very much.¡±
ANYA: ¡°I¡¯m so torn baby u don¡¯t even know. Thank you. I love you very much too. Abalone Cove¡¡±
ME: ¡°I really want to be with you, babe. I¡¯m not giving up on us.¡±
ANYA: ¡°I feel the same but what do I do? My children¡¡±
ME: ¡°I truly believe everything will work out for the best, and will work out better than you think it will, but I respect and understand your concerns. If it¡¯s meant to be, it will be. I miss everything about you. You¡¯re so much fun to be around.¡±
ANYA: ¡°I miss joking and laughing w/u. We always have fun together. It¡¯s comforting to know u r there. I miss u dearly. I told Debbie the name of ¡°our beach¡± tonight and she made a note of it. I love you forever.¡±
ME: ¡°I believe anything can happen. I love you forever.¡±
ANYA: ¡°Yes, anything can happen and I won¡¯t give up hope. Like u said if it was meant to be it was meant to be. Goodnight sweets.¡±
Since the ¡°break-up¡± the frequency of texts we exchanged increased substantially than even when we were together, as it seemed it took her leaving for me to know how much I meant to her. The next morning, we exchanged the usual pleasantries, as I tried my best to concentrate on work after my day off. I felt it imperative to begin my search for clients who could possibly replace Jackson Caiaphas if we lost his business. I gave calls to many of my banking contacts, even ones from out of state I had developed relationships with over the years. Most of our clients came from bankers we had relationships with. Whenever a bank loaned money to a business, they usually asked the business to have their financial statements audited or at least reviewed to receive loan approval. Audits generally provided more assurance than reviews did for the banks, and therefore brought in more revenue for the audit firm. If I could prove to Clyde I was capable of bringing in more audit business beyond CPG, Clyde would be more inclined to let Jackson Caiaphas go without a fight. Although I truly felt he would rather lose Jackson¡¯s business than me, especially if he knew the truth about my relationship with Anya, I didn¡¯t feel right about possibly losing a big client without something to take its place as my future earnings would also be affected as a result.
When the day came to its merciful end for me, Anya text me just before I left the office.
5:34 p.m.
¡°Missing u.¡±
ME: ¡°Missing u too, babe. How r u?¡±
ANYA: ¡°I¡¯m organizing my kids school stuff and their drawers. Fun stuff huh? What r u doing? Sorry I¡¯m not being fair. I have no self-restraint. I try to give you space but can¡¯t help it!¡±
ME: ¡°I bet you¡¯re going to feel better once you get it done! I don¡¯t need space babe. I¡¯m always happy to hear from you. Good to know you miss me.¡±
ANYA: ¡°I¡¯m always missing you my friend. What r u up to?¡±
After a long day of dreadful audit work I was mentally drained, and whenever fatigue set in so did my low self-esteem as it found a nice place to roost inside the cold comfort of the ¡°friend zone¡±. I didn¡¯t like the ¡°F¡± word at all, not when I was used to the ¡°L¡± word, and I found it a little sneaky to throw it in there as again I felt devalued, even manipulated. However, Anya sensed quickly I was unsettled when I failed to respond.
ANYA: ¡°U ok?¡±
ME: ¡°I¡¯m ok. Are you ok?¡±
ANYA: ¡°I¡¯m fine baby. Keeping contact helps tho not sure if it¡¯s the right thing to do. I don¡¯t see why not as long as it¡¯s not hard on you.¡±
ME: ¡°I think I¡¯d have a harder time if I never heard from you.¡±
ANYA: ¡°I read the saved texts every day.¡±
ME: ¡°Do you really?¡±
ANYA: ¡°I do. Every day. I tear up everytime. Everytime I think of you I open up my saved texts.¡±
ME: ¡°I¡¯m glad you have them.¡±
As fatigue further nestled within, so did my negative thoughts as they began to churn once again like a tropical storm into a hurricane. I felt she tried to turn me into a friend and not her lover by once again indirectly suggesting no contact, much like a game Denise used to play. In this new storm, I started to consider the manipulative nature behind this transformation as I even began to wonder if conversations she had with Carolyn and Debbie were about how it could be done with the least amount of damage without any consideration of how deeply in love I was with her and all the things they didn¡¯t know. I again resuscitated the internal argument when you¡¯re truly ¡°in love¡± with someone you¡¯d be willing to do anything to be with that person especially, I would hope, leave a man who had cheated on you several times. It¡¯s the only reason why I laid my heart on the line for her after I initially walked away. I had to also consider not far from fiction was the fact I deeply loved someone who lived in a fantasy world while I wanted reality. Could it be after I sent her the saved texts she decided to run because I got too serious? Does someone who is ¡°in love¡± with someone ¡°forever¡± do that in any situation? In my anguish I began to give up hope as I strung a text together to send her that read¡
¡°If you ever change your mind and do the right thing, in the process teaching your kids a valuable lesson in life that money does not buy happiness then you know all my wants. Every one of them I will want forever. Until then I have to go.¡±
but before I could blast it off, she intercepted it.
10:02 p.m.
¡°Goodnight u! Whatcha doin?¡±
ME: ¡°Goodnight! I¡¯m just working.¡±
ANYA: ¡°Really? Things haven¡¯t slowed down for you?¡±
ME: ¡°They have. I¡¯m just trying to stay ahead of the game.¡±
ANYA: ¡°Guess what I¡¯m doing?¡±
ME: ¡°Listening to Buble?¡±
ANYA: ¡°Close! Messing around with my music and playlist. It¡¯s a sickness!¡±
ME: ¡°We all need our tunes! I need them for the gym especially.¡±
ANYA: ¡°Yep!!! Goodnight again babe! I love you! Thanks for staying in my life!¡±
After our exchange, I deleted the text draft I almost sent her. I just felt crushed. After all the love I gave her and all the nights I spent alone, this was my reward? To morph from her lover into just a friend? I didn¡¯t know what to think as once again I felt bamboozled, but after I wished her a goodnight and hoped to sleep off the agony, she text me again.
10:18 p.m.
¡°I miss u like crazy. Do u think one day we could meet for a spill and hang? Do u think that would be too hard?¡±
I didn¡¯t know how to interpret a ¡°spill and a hang¡±, but it felt as if I had now been relegated to drinking buddy. I then began to wonder why it would be hard on me but not hard on her as it seemed our connection died and we were no longer on the same page. I felt not only demoted but even worse, rejected. After all we shared, all I was good for was a ¡°spill and a hang¡± as if I was one of the girls? I found her suggestion hurtful as the only love I felt in it at all came from the perspective of a friend and not a lover.
ME: ¡°As much as I would love to see you and as much as I miss you too, I don¡¯t think meeting for a spill and a hang would be a good idea right now. I¡¯m sorry.¡±
ANYA: ¡°That¡¯s ok. I understand. Sorry goodnight sweets.¡±
ME: ¡°I want to see you but it would just be too hard. I¡¯d want to kiss you. Hold you. I couldn¡¯t do it. I¡¯d feel like Lance, the romantic singer Just a friend. I¡¯d feel fake. Unauthentic.¡±
ANYA: ¡°Wow! What makes u think I wouldn¡¯t want the same if I saw you? Never mind. I¡¯m sorry. I just miss u that¡¯s all.¡±
ME: ¡°I¡¯d love to see you. Maybe I¡¯m out of line for feeling that way. I¡¯m sorry.¡±
ANYA: ¡°Maybe it is too much. Sorry I was wrong. It¡¯s not fair. It¡¯s not right. Just can¡¯t help missing u.¡±
ME: ¡°I think it¡¯s very sweet of you to ask. I think I took it wrong. Let¡¯s make plans to meet. I miss you too.¡±
ANYA: ¡°Let me c babe. I¡¯ll text u tomorrow. Goodnight again. Love u!¡±
I now felt awful about being so quick to turn down her offer to meet as once again I took things the wrong way. I hated to see her struggle and if it helped her disposition around her children then I had to be open to it. I was a genuine man though, and I didn¡¯t want to pretend I was happy with my demotion, but if I believed in our love and in one day then I should have shut off my mind before it controlled my fingers. It was easy to get discouraged though by the ¡°F¡± word, a place I found myself in often, the price for being the ¡°nicest guy¡± as it brought me right back to my past when I wasn¡¯t good enough for the women I cared for. She then sent me a text about a half hour later with second thoughts.
11:05 p.m.
¡°Sorry emotional again. I have to think about it. I don¡¯t want to give u false hope when nothing has changed since Saturday. Ur answer about Lance tells me it¡¯s too soon. Going to bed.¡±
I felt disconnected from my power source, as I lost my energy, my vibrancy, and my frequency all at once. More than anything I felt I had let her down with my negative feelings as love, stress and fatigue never mixed well together as I tried to salvage a meeting between us.
ME: ¡°You have told me you believe in our love. Show me you believe in our love. Meet me 4 a spill. I¡¯m ok w/o a definite promise right now. I miss you. I love you. I want to see you. Goodnight babe.¡±
I didn¡¯t know what to expect in the morning, but I told myself I would respect it and not give her any grief. I had to convince myself no matter how well she appeared to be doing, she was also trying to put on a happy face for me otherwise she feared I¡¯d pressure her into a decision again although I even knew it wasn¡¯t the right time. I felt horrible for Anya because she had to contend with what other women had done to me in the past, and it wasn¡¯t fair to her at all.
The next morning, she sent me a text that shook me up.
9:22 a.m.
¡°Today is the 30th babe.¡±
Anya sent me many texts over the last few days, but this particular one meant the most. It told me she never left me and we never really broke up as this was just a break for her to figure some things out. I felt disgusted with myself as I put her in this position and then made her feel even worse for just asking to see me because she missed me; I should be so lucky.
ME: ¡°Happy 8 months babe.¡±
ANYA: ¡°Happy 8 months baby. Ok I will try my best to meet you on Friday nite for a spill. Maestros in Costa Mesa around 5:30ish? Promise me not to make me cry?¡±
ME: ¡°I¡¯m sorry I ever made you cry. I promise I won¡¯t. I would love to see you. I will be there. Please read my saved texts if it gets hard. I love you very much.¡±
ANYA: ¡°I did last night. I will today. I love you very much. I¡¯m sorry I¡¯m putting u thru this. Ur my soulmate.¡±
ME: ¡°I¡¯m sorry I¡¯m not making this easy on you either. No doubt you¡¯re my soulmate too.¡±
I began to realize although she ¡°broke¡± up with me, nothing changed especially her feelings which I feared did only because of my past. I felt awful about what I told her the previous night and once again, she came through for me like she always did. She even sent me a throwback text for good measure out of the blue that afternoon, if I ever doubted it.
1:07 p.m.
¡°I love you.¡±
The unannounced, unexpected, uninitiated ¡°I love you¡± text always gave me so much life. It made me feel like I mattered; like I could accomplish anything I wanted in life. In fact, nothing I accomplished in business or life ever made me feel more alive or happier than when I received such a simple text from her. If I had a choice between a thousand dollars or to receive an ¡°I love you¡± text from her, I would have chosen her text without a moment¡¯s hesitation or thought. To have such a beautiful person send you such a beautiful gesture was the most beautiful thing in the world to me. She even sent it at a time, I didn¡¯t truly deserve it as I was grateful she understood my heartache.
As this particular Wednesday trudged forward in the heat of July, I learned more about the reason for the break-up as I felt like the one who¡¯s love should be doubted, but I had no idea how much Anya truly had on her plate with Katie¡¯s bat mitzvah, summer camps for both her kids, and a heavy work load. She was behind on her work because of my emotional transgressions and overwhelmed by it all yet never mentioned a word to me or blamed me for it. As much as it pained me to understand, she did the right thing by pushing me aside because she really needed to be there for her kids right now. If I loved her and I did, I had to see things through her eyes. Now that I had a clearer picture of all she juggled, her reason for the break up took a clear shape. Katie¡¯s bat mitzvah was a huge undertaking and with family involved she had to be ¡°on¡± as she couldn¡¯t give anyone the impression she was elsewhere. When I finally realized I was a major distraction, I put my selfishness aside, and once again tried to bury my past so I could give her the man she deserved me to be. Later that evening, when I told her I was journaling, we had a textversation that would stick with me forever.
10:50 p.m.
¡°How do you find enough material to write about?¡±
ME: ¡°Mostly from life experiences, but I read the newspaper a lot and get ideas for stories from there as well.¡±
ANYA: ¡°Do you still write about us?¡±
ME: ¡°Of course, babe. All the time.¡±
ANYA: ¡°I¡¯m sure it hasn¡¯t been pleasant since Saturday.¡±
ME: ¡°Actually, I understand why you broke up with me, babe. It took a while but I totally get it. It¡¯s just good to put my thoughts down to make sense of them all.¡±
ANYA: ¡°I don¡¯t keep a journal like you do, but wish I did. I have a lot on my mind.¡±
ME: ¡°For fun, if you did keep a journal, what would be in it tonight? What¡¯s on your mind?¡±
ANYA: ¡°Lots. You, us, future, my kids, my life, work, security, etc but mostly us. I wonder if I¡¯m doing the right thing. I wonder if I control my destiny. Just stuff.¡±
ME: ¡°I think you do control your destiny, but I think you¡¯ll figure it out when the time is right.¡±
ANYA: ¡°If you were to write a book about us, what would u call it? Just for fun! Would it be a memoir or a fiction based on true experience?¡±
ME: ¡°I think I¡¯d call it ¡°Beyond Forever¡±. Probably a combination of a memoir and fiction based on true experience. I don¡¯t know if that¡¯s been done before or not but I think it would be pretty cool.¡±
ANYA: ¡°Hey catchy title! Specify though, would it be from your side or mine?¡±
ME: ¡°I¡¯d have to go with my first person point of view, even though a third person POV would be interesting as well because I could also show the reader your side of the story, but I¡¯m an honest writer and think I would be fair to you if I wrote our story in the first person. What would you call it? How do you think it should be written?¡±
ANYA: ¡°If it were me ¡°Abalone Beach¡±. It would be typical and predictable but sweet. Fiction love story 4 sure! Leaves you feeling good!¡±
ME: ¡°I love it! If it¡¯s a best seller would you marry me?¡±
ANYA: ¡°Ur funny! I think you already know the answer to that question even if it wasn¡¯t a best seller!¡±
ME: ¡°Thank God for that!¡±
ANYA: ¡°U would definitely have to include the ¡°saved texts¡±! Every woman out there would be taken by that!¡±
ME: ¡°The saved texts were only meant for and to only be seen by one woman, babe.¡±
ANYA: ¡°I love you.¡±
ME: ¡°I love you too.¡±
ANYA: ¡°We¡¯re not acting like a couple that just broke up are we?¡±
ME: ¡°How many couples break up who are still in love with each other?¡±
ANYA: ¡°I don¡¯t know.¡±
ME: ¡°Although we¡¯re ¡°broken up¡±, we¡¯re not broken up in our hearts.¡±
We exchanged roughly sixty texts on this day, and her last text was sent to me well after midnight. My heart truly broke for her, and when I thought about the grief I gave her I felt even worse. She didn¡¯t deserve my past. She only deserved my present so she could have the future she deserved. I felt with my partnership promotion, the one I couldn¡¯t share with her because of the non-disclosure agreement I signed, all her worries would be resolved if she just followed her destiny, the one she was in complete control of. The next day we exchanged about ten text messages but I was fine with it as I knew she needed to concentrate on getting things done at home so she could meet me on Friday evening.
When Friday arrived, she asked me if we could meet at five instead of five thirty because she had to watch her nephew all weekend and her nanny left at six thirty. The significance of her gesture was simply this; she never told me she wanted to spend an extra half hour with me, but instead showed me by her request to change the time as I felt the love in such a simple gesture and it breathed life into me. She then told me she was nervous so I promised to make it a ¡°pinky swear¡± meeting, to keep things light which always made me feel better too. We decided to meet in the bar area, and since I lived only a half mile down the street from the restaurant I decided to walk there.
On my walk I unwittingly gazed upwards and noticed the late afternoon faded moon as it prepared for its appearance later in the night sky. A satellite always there, but now seen. It brought me back twenty-five years to my late afternoon games when I played youth baseball. Quite often when I took my position in the outfield, and even during the game, I¡¯d get lost in it as its slow glow with every passing inning helped calm my nerves. I then remembered how carefree and happy those days were when I had no sense of responsibility and only a moon full of possibilities as it shone more brilliantly even as darkness surrounded it. As I looked up at this particular faint afternoon moon, I realized in an hour it would become more vibrant and stronger, it¡¯s brilliance for all to see, and it reminded me to keep my eye on the bigger picture; that better things were on the horizon for Anya and I, even when our future appeared faded and dull right now, our love still held the promise of brilliance, just like the moon in a blue sky.
Unsure of how busy the place was at five, I decided to arrive at Maestros early to make sure we had seats next to each other at the bar. When I arrived, the place was dark yet divinely enchanting as I easily found two seats at the bar in the fairly empty restaurant. My first thought was ¡°she must have been here before¡± as I felt even worse for the grief I gave her about meeting. The one thing I learned about Anya is that some of her most beautiful thoughts were rarely told to me, and usually only shown to me. I had grown to love her because I experienced her world, one she completely opened up to me, and it¡¯s all I knew now, and all I ever cared to know; another reason why I struggled so mightily to cope with our breakup.
At five sharp, I saw a shadow gracefully show upon the entry way wall with a shape I instantly recognized. When she appeared before me in a black ruffled cocktail dress, I rose from my stool and nearly cried elated to be blessed by the presence of such beauty. Her hair hung down perfectly over her forehead as it complemented her eyes like a galaxy adorned with stars, and I knew by her dress this meeting was special to her, too. After a tight embrace, I thought it best to immediately escape the bar to an unreserved private candle lit table about twenty yards away. When the hostess showed us to our table in a very secluded area in the quiet dimly lit restaurant while some light jazz music played, I knew this meeting was designed by the universe.
As I waited for her to sit before I took my place next to her in the booth, we both couldn¡¯t take our eyes off each other as our hostess seemed confused by it all, yet seemed to view it with appreciation. After she handed us our menus and told us a server would take our orders shortly, we respectfully put them to our faces until she left, but we already knew what we came here for. The soft shadows produced by the candle light against her sweet face electrified me inside as I grabbed her hand from under the table and began to caress it; a touch I needed to feel as if it was my own skin that had gone missing. She then began to tear up and I tried quickly to acknowledge them.
¡°Pinky swear babe.¡± I said as I held out my pinky aware of how much our touch meant to both of us. ¡°Pinky swear.¡±
¡°I¡¯m so sorry¡I know.¡± she said as she wiped her eyes and met my pinky. ¡°I¡¯ve just missed you so much.¡±
¡°I¡¯ve missed you too.¡± I said as I rubbed her leg. ¡°There¡¯s not one thing I haven¡¯t missed about you.¡±
¡°I don¡¯t know what I¡¯m doing.¡±
¡°Of course you don¡¯t.¡± I said with a smile to keep it light. ¡°You broke up with me.¡±
She then started to smile as she turned shyly away, a smile captured within my heart because her tears began to stop; a healing power we had on each other.
¡°Thank you for meeting me here.¡± she said. ¡°Do you remember when I text you from here when I lost my son to the Lakers game in the bar area?¡±
¡°Haha! I do remember that now. I thought you¡¯ve been here before.¡± I said. ¡°Thank you for having the courage to ask me to. You look so beautiful in your cocktail dress.¡±
¡°Thank you.¡± she said as she smiled and turned away once again.
¡°I need to ask you a question.¡± I said. ¡°Face to face.¡±
¡°Ok.¡±
¡°Are you serious about your ashes?¡±
¡°Yes, I am.¡± she said as her eyes never left mine. ¡°I promise.¡±
¡°I hope you understand the depth of my feelings for you. I¡¯m not going to fall in love with anyone else.¡± I said. ¡°You¡¯re the love of my life, and my ashes will be there too.¡±
¡°But babe, I don¡¯t want you to wait for me. If we¡¯re meant to be, we¡¯ll be meant to be.¡±
¡°I know, babe, but I know love too. I know what¡¯s meant to be for me, if I can¡¯t be with you; I will just continue to live without you. I didn¡¯t come into your life to turn it upside down. I came into your life to make it right¡to make it better, not to see you in pain or for you to end up being or feeling alone. I know how my heart works.¡±
Before she could respond the waiter appeared to take our order, but we weren¡¯t hungry at all. Instead we each ordered a couple of Coronas and a salad as we only hungered for our company. For the next hour we took a lighter approach to our meeting and joked about Carolyn and Debbie getting lost on their drive to Palos Verdes with the urn that held her ashes probably somewhere in the back seat. She then told me she would never kiss another man passionately, as I trusted her words said face to face instead of through an electronic device, but again as sweet as it was, it lacked transparency. I told her about a comedian by the name of Jim Gaffigan who I watched recently on TV, and then performed his ¡°Hot Pockets¡± sketch which brought her to tears with laughter. When our time together neared its end with the company too perfect, the place too beautiful, but our situation too precarious, we both seemed downcast. I hated to see her leave and I could tell she felt the same as we both had no idea if or when we¡¯d see each other again. As she rose to leave, I stood up and gave her a long soft hug. She then told me I should finish my Corona before I left which made me sad as it was too hard on her to have me walk her to her car, but I obliged out of respect for her feelings. I then watched her familiar shadow once again cast upon the same wall but this time away from me as it slowly disappeared like a collapsed star; a black mass in the pit of my stomach that digested me fully.
CHAPTER 6 ~ BEYOND EVERY REASON
¡°And there''s a reason, now I see.
The reason I''ve been chosen.
She sees the light inside of me.
A reason to believe.
But I can''t climb this mountain without you.
No, I can''t face this on my own.
With you by my side, we will open his eyes.
And the truth will deliver us home.¡±
~ ¡°Chosen¡± Dream Theater
7:24 p.m.
¡°It was bumper 2 bumper on the way home! Back home now! U looked very handsome today. I wanted to kiss u. I so wanted to be touched by u. I could have looked into your eyes all night! U felt so good to hold! I will keep my promise. I love u.¡±
After she sent me this text when she returned home from our meeting at Maestro¡¯s, more texts born from her heart¡¯s happiness began to follow.
8:25 p.m.
¡°I really miss u. Tonight was the best hour and half of the whole week! I miss hanging in ur bed. It¡¯s killing me.¡±
8:42 p.m.
¡°I loved every second! I love u!¡±
8:52 p.m.
¡°I love you forever! Soulmates!¡±
These were the words and feelings I fought so hard for, and it shattered my heart to feel her hurt in them because we were apart. I loved her to pieces so I naturally wanted her pain to end as it was all I ever fought for. For nothing more. For nothing less.
The next morning, one that fell on the second day of August, two thousand and eight, the great vibes continued.
11:22 a.m.
¡°Happy 14 months!¡±
Fourteen months; the amount of time surpassed since the night our eyes first met, and technically, the same amount of time we¡¯ve both been enamored with each other. It was unfathomable to me a woman could hold my heart even tighter than the first night I met her, existed, but she truly did as fourteen months officially marked how long I¡¯ve known she could be the love of my life as the last eight months only further confirmed it.
On this night, I decided to pop in and visit my mother who I saw sparingly the last two months as I struggled to find a balance between work and love. When I arrived at the house there were no lights on as once again my father wasn¡¯t home. Upon my entry into my mother¡¯s room I found her in bed, surrounded by shadows as the sun was just beginning to come down. As she laid face up, she had a cool wet towel on her head, her special remedy for migraines. After ten seconds she began to stir and sprang up from her bed as she held the towel against her head with one hand and reached for a light with the other to lead me to believe nothing was wrong.
¡°Migraine?¡± I asked.
¡°Yeah, I¡¯ve had it for two days now.¡± she stated. ¡°How are you, Honey?¡±
¡°I¡¯m okay¡± I said.
¡°How¡¯s Anya?¡¯
Even though my mother did not know Anya personally, she felt like she did because all I did was sing her praises, and if I didn¡¯t, my mother always jumped to her defense.
¡°She¡¯s good, mom.¡± I said. ¡°We¡¯re kind of apart right now though.¡±
¡°Well, you can¡¯t really be together, Landy.¡±
¡°Technically speaking we can¡¯t be, but you know what¡¯s funny?¡±
¡°What¡¯s funny?¡±
¡°Being apart has only brought us closer.¡± I said as I sat down on the faded pink recliner next to my mother¡¯s bed.
¡°How so?¡±
¡°She broke up with me because she felt bad, and at first, I was really taken aback by it because it felt just like all my other failures with women, but the truth was¡it was my fault.¡± I explained.
¡°How was it your fault?¡±
¡°We had a heavy conversation while she was in New York about her children and she felt pressure from me to leave now, but it was a misunderstanding, one I created though by being hurt about some of the things she said.¡±
¡°I still don¡¯t understand why she¡¯d leave you, Landy...if she loves you.¡±
¡°I didn¡¯t understand as well, but the other night she broke down in front of her family. They saw her pain, but they didn¡¯t know why. It broke my heart because I gave her such a hard time about her breaking up with me, but when I saw how much my emotions affected her at home, I understood why she broke it off with me. It wasn¡¯t because she didn¡¯t love me but because her kids are still out for the summer and she felt exposed around them. She really needs to be there for them right now so I felt my emotions were to blame for our breakup. The craziest thing about it is, if she never broke up with me, I¡¯d probably never know how much she loved me. How much of a difference I¡¯ve made in her life. How I¡¯ve made her better. How much she struggles at home with her feelings. It made me believe in our love even more and made me realize the love I¡¯m fighting for her to have, is the right thing to do.¡±
¡°She has children. It¡¯s not easy on her at all, and let me tell you.¡± she said as she sat on her bed and met my gaze. ¡°She¡¯s not happy at all.¡±
¡°I see that.¡± I said. ¡°Happiness is all I want for her. That¡¯s all that matters. I feel she deserves it. I just so happened to be the one who makes her happy.¡±
¡°You¡¯re a unique man.¡± said my mother.
¡°Really? How so?¡± I asked.
¡°Well, you¡¯re very picky for one.¡± she explained. ¡°and not many men love like you love.¡±
¡°Shouldn¡¯t love be nothing less than extraordinary though? Shouldn¡¯t it leave you breathless? Shouldn¡¯t it make you want to give it all you have?¡± I asked. ¡°If it doesn¡¯t make you feel that way, then it¡¯s not the kind of love I believe in. I¡¯ve known many feelings in my life but none of them have ever felt as great as when I¡¯m in love with someone. I love the way I do only because I don¡¯t want to lose it.¡±
¡°So you and Anya aren¡¯t seeing each other anymore?¡±
¡°Not as much, but we talk more than we ever did. I just have to respect her decision, Mom. Give her the space she needs. She has to be there for her kids right now and I have to understand that, and not give her any grief about things.¡± I said. ¡°How are you?¡±
¡°I¡¯m okay. I have hand surgery next week.¡±
¡°What¡¯s wrong with your hand?¡±
¡°Carpal tunnel.¡± she said as she showed me her right hand in a wrist brace.
¡°Oh, I see.¡±
My mother worked as a cafeteria clerk, at the same elementary school I went to, for twenty-five years. I was in the first grade when she started as I¡¯m sure she wanted to be near her only child, but many years of pressure she exerted on her fingers against hard keys upon an old cash register took its toll. I spotted an orange bottle full of painkillers on her dresser, a larger bottle than I usually saw as I then asked her if I could have a few. She acknowledged I could, but when I turned the bottle upside down, five came out instead of three. Since the bottle was full and she told me she hardly used them, I didn¡¯t say anything as I wrapped them up in a tissue then stuffed it inside my jean¡¯s pocket. This marked the first time I took more without her knowledge, and I don¡¯t even know why I did because I got along fine without them, but at the same time they did help me sleep at night and the hour of euphoria I got from them made it worthwhile.
When I returned home I took one pill and decided to write about my day. It seemed like my writing flowed better on them, but it never occurred to me any real difference existed until the opiate¡¯s effect hit me about forty-five minutes after I had first taken it. The real truth about them though, the only real reason why I took them at all was when I realized they helped me deal with my emotions better at night when I missed her the most.
The next day Anya and I texted briefly as I informed her of my mother¡¯s hand surgery this week. Anya then informed me she returned her nephew back to his rightful owners as she shared with me Andrew was relieved when she did because he felt he didn¡¯t listen at all during his time there. Anya told me she poked fun at Andrew for it because he was the same way at six years old, but I did enjoy hearing how mature Andrew sounded at ten years of age. She then hit me with a text that touched my soul and furthered my hope; another one of those texts that came out of nowhere.
6:23 p.m.
¡°I love you forever, baby. We¡¯re one. Always. Remember when we talked about having only tunnel vision whenever we are together? Felt that way at Maestro¡¯s.¡±
ME: ¡°We¡¯re both in trouble if we¡¯re out somewhere and someone decided to shoot the place up! I always have tunnel vision when I¡¯m with you. It¡¯s so hard to keep my eyes off of you when I have a chance to have you in them¡like nothing around me exists. We¡¯ve shared too much not to be considered one. You¡¯re beyond special to me.¡±
ANYA: ¡°I love it when you show me how you feel. You¡¯re very special to me too.¡±
ME: ¡°Your love for me makes that easy to do. I love just looking at you. You¡¯re magic to me.¡±
ANYA: ¡°I feel calm when we don¡¯t speak and just gaze. I love you.¡±
The following day was a quiet day from her, we text each other about a total of six times, but for the first time I felt at peace with it, a nice change of pace.
The next morning, August fifth, she informed me of two things. The first item of interest was she had a trip to San Diego with her family planned before the school year started. When she told me, I fought my disheartened feelings as I tried to understand this was something she had to do. Whether I was with her or not, anything she did with him as a perceived couple began to deeply bother me because of my heavy feelings for her and the deception involved as I found it hard to understand she could even look at Jackson in the eyes at this point after all we¡¯ve shared, especially long enough to plan anything together. With all these feelings she not only allowed me to have but also encouraged me to feel, I felt she owed it to me to tone down the fa?ade, and it broke my heart to know this trip was something she planned even in the depth of our relationship. When I thought about what she had to do for her kids though, I tried to just tuck it underneath my burdened heart as I reminded myself their happiness was the goal. The second bit of information she relayed to me was an apology for not being able to text me much the prior night because Debbie visited her. She then hit me with something, and it opened up the floodgates that held in all of my thoughts.
9:21 a.m.
¡°Debbie told me last night that we (u and I) have something very special. That something special is trust and respect. I love u.¡±
ME: ¡°I truly respect you. I hope you know that. I know I¡¯ve hurt you sometimes when I hurt but I¡¯d never hurt you intentionally. I¡¯d never cheat on you. I¡¯m loyal to you even in my dreams.¡±
ANYA: ¡°Ur so wonderful! I fully trust you¡¯d never hurt me and I respect u for everything you stand for today. You¡¯d never lose my love. I love you forever.¡±
Her words resonated within, words I put my faith in as they told me she understood me and all I fought for her to have. I trusted she respected me for all I stood for today and I¡¯d never lose her love just like I trusted the sun to rise in the morning. Her sentiments came at a time I truly needed to believe in to get me through her family trip to San Diego. When she said Debbie told her we both had trust and respect, it made me wonder if Anya told her about Jackson¡¯s infidelities because wouldn¡¯t Debbie just assume she at least had Jackson¡¯s trust? If Anya did tell her about his gross transgressions, it meant a lot to me for Debbie to know I wasn¡¯t involved here all because Anya simply fell out of love. It had to be something significant like multiple careless infidelities which provided me with the security they were decisions and not mistakes made by her husband. Most importantly, her words to Anya told me Debbie wanted her to hold onto us, to believe in us, and never say never because she recognized this love we had was rare.
At three o¡¯clock she sent me an unsolicited ¡°I love you¡± text, and it truly got me through the remaining workday to know she was on my mind as much as she was on mine. Later that evening she text me out of the blue as things seemed to be back to normal between us.
6:20 p.m.
¡°Hey baby! I just picked up the kids from tutoring and now off to soccer and dance. Chauffer. Just wanted to say hi cuz I miss u. Not very good at breaking up am I?¡±
ME: ¡°It could be worse babe; you could be driving Miss Daisy around or something. By the way, I¡¯m very thankful for your poor breakup skills! I¡¯m just happy you still look at me the same way. I miss u too.¡±
ANYA: ¡°Ha! That¡¯s another way to look at it I guess! I don¡¯t think I could look at you any other way even if u hurt me. I love u w/all my being.¡±
We truly became one mass of energy that fed off each other, our own destruction only a matter of construction as our universe expanded more each day to support life and to create a beautiful new world, a reason to live. I felt this ecosystem we were allowed to create between us only represented the work of an invisible entity around us. The more I fell in love with Anya, the more I learned about her unhappiness; and the more I came to dislike Jackson Caiaphas as her husband. It was harder to downplay my disdain for what the man stood for in his marriage as my love for Anya grew with each passing day. To hear all the excuses he made, the way he would fight for her as if he had any idea what love was even after the way he treated her, just flat out disgusted me. I didn¡¯t hate him enough to wish death on him, I just despised him as her husband. If I felt he was right for her, I would have simply walked away especially considering the circumstances of our relationship. I didn¡¯t have an ego, and if I couldn¡¯t measure up as a replacement, as the better man for her, then I¡¯d be noble enough to let her go, like Aurelius did in Chaucer¡¯s ¡°The Canterbury Tales¡±, the ¡°Franklin Tale¡±, specifically. The fact of the matter was this though, hands down I was the best for her. In my eyes, he just met her before I did, and held the fort down until I arrived as again, a thirty-year old man making his move on an impressionable teenager sounded to me like he had only one thing on his mind, and it was driven by lust, not love as I felt no man truly in love with someone would ever jeopardize losing them. He was only honest with her because he got caught, and people always admitted they messed up after they were caught in the act. The fact his indiscretions ruined another man¡¯s marriage and he had the audacity to cheat on her again afterwards convinced me his love for himself was too enormous for any amount of remorse to find room in his heart. It was all about Jackson Caiaphas, it was his world, and if you didn¡¯t fall in line then you were out of it as he gave me that impression both times he spoke to me in San Francisco and in my office when he visited our firm. I was the man who truly loved her as I felt his love only represented a disguise for the kids, like a huge family masquerade party. He desired to set her up to get caught so she looked like the bad guy in front of her kids, family, friends, neighbors and business associates, and in my book, that was not loving someone. When he saw her pain at the dinner table, that¡¯s when he should have made an effort to be a man and to let her go if he truly loved her. More than anything, his inaction with knowledge of her sadness told me he was the wrong one for her and it was clear he didn¡¯t care about her happiness as he took comfort in her suffering and pride in his emotional abuse. Even when he told her she could leave, he told her he would fight for the one thing that mattered to her the most, their kids. Anya¡¯s happiness was just something he didn¡¯t want her to have after all the pain he caused her, and it¡¯s why I found him to be a truly vile, if not evil, human being. Even if Anya found someone else, someone who made her happy, I would want her to be with them if she loved him, especially if I cheated on her numerous times. In addition, as a parent I had a responsibility to teach my children they should only be with people who returned their love with love, especially those who made a promise to do so until death parted them and failed to do so. Even more so than the fa?ade of his marriage, I sought out to destroy Jackson Caiaphas¡¯s ego because it¡¯s what kept any and all women in his life unhappy, the power source of his abusive behavior.
Even though I considered myself agnostic, I couldn¡¯t tell you I believed in God, but I did believe in the universe around me and its indestructible energy; an eternal dynamism we¡¯re all made of. I believed it had a plan for Anya and I, that our relationship stood for something greater than both of us here on Earth as I felt goodness conspired to bring us together. Even though the universe is viewed upon as an entity caught in constant chaos, it¡¯s also clear it sought organization through constant evolution as evidenced within our own solar system and the many which surround us. Just like the powers of the universe brought together; our star, planets and moons, it brought me into Anya¡¯s life because it sought to right a wrong and to bring truth into it. She could then lead a life of honesty with herself and all those around her, especially her kids so they too had a chance at happiness in their lives one day, and to end the bedlam in a history of chaos created by infidelities. I believed destiny brought me into her life to create a new galaxy, by destroying her old one, and as a result build a new future for everyone as good replaced evil and life replaced death.
Anya text me the following morning to let me know she had a Bat Mitzvah meeting, but she then text me something that told me we were completely on the same page as her love again helped get me through the arduous and stressful workday.
8:50 a.m.
¡°I keep thinking about what you said about how we¡¯re not broken up in our hearts. I agree. Have a good day sweets! I love you!¡±
We¡¯ve shared too much; we knew each other too well. We¡¯ve exposed all we ever wanted to each other without fear and our feelings were unanimous. We were best friends and communicated with each other throughout the day. We had the same hopes and dreams. We couldn¡¯t go back now, only forward so how could we really be broken up when we loved each other so much?
ME: ¡°We still love each other so we¡¯re still together in our hearts. I don¡¯t feel alone or that you left me.¡±
ANYA: ¡°Do you have a fear of ending up alone?¡±
ME: ¡°Years ago I did, but after I had my heart broken a few times I began to lose trust in women and then lost the fear of ending up alone to protect my heart from another heartbreak, but I¡¯ve basically been alone my entire life, and I refuse to settle anyway so I don¡¯t really have that fear. I wouldn¡¯t be with anyone just out of the fear of being alone.¡±
ANYA: ¡°I guess you wouldn¡¯t be otherwise you¡¯d be married by now.¡±
ME: ¡°I think it scares me more to be with someone who makes me feel alone than to die alone. Could you live on your own if you hadn¡¯t met me?¡±
ANYA: ¡°I don¡¯t know. I¡¯d be too afraid. I¡¯m just a big chicken aren¡¯t I?¡±
ME: ¡°You typed that, not me.¡±
ANYA: ¡°Ha!¡±
ME: ¡°You¡¯re my one and only so you¡¯d never be alone, babe.¡±
ANYA: ¡°You¡¯re my one and only too. I love you forever.¡±
The question why people settle for those less than right for them Anya answered impeccably; the fear of being alone. Anya was married yet alone, so alone in fact she didn¡¯t want to be buried next to the man she married; another reason I felt if she stayed it would be a tragedy. We all made mistakes in life, so how could society tell her not to choose happiness after her husband¡¯s infidelities because of her children? Don¡¯t we all deserve better in this life especially if we were done wrong by someone? I wouldn¡¯t have supported this kind of relationship at all, let alone been a part of, if I felt she should stay in her marriage for the sake of her children. I just couldn¡¯t board a ship I knew would eventually sink one day and leave her without a life preserver.
That afternoon, Anya sent me a text as she reminisced about a moment in our past; a moment in my past I now felt embarrassed about.
12:33 p.m.
¡°Do you remember when u first asked me to your place and u wanted to play a board game? I know random, sorry. Don¡¯t know why that entered my mind.¡±
ME: ¡°I¡¯m sorry about that. Kind of a lame idea now when I think about it, but I just wanted to make you feel comfortable. I thought a board game would be fun and ease both our nerves.¡±
ANYA: ¡°I think it was sweet of you. I¡¯ll never forget it! No one has ever asked me to play a board game on a ¡°date¡±! U r the cutest ever!¡±
As physically attracted as I was to Anya, and believe me testosterone flowed through my veins the first night I laid eyes on her, she meant more than that to me, much, much more than that. I know we ended up on my bed during our first ¡°date¡± but if we ended up just playing a board game, I still would¡¯ve had the time of my life with her regardless.
Later that same evening, she text me again.
9:08 p.m.
¡°Whatcha doin? R u mad at me?¡±
ME: ¡°No way! Why would you think that? What r u up to?¡±
ANYA: ¡°I guess I¡¯m spoiled by your attention. I worry when u don¡¯t text me back like ur mad or something. Still at Bunco.¡±
I felt bad she thought I was mad at her, but I knew how busy she was and again, I refused to initiate texts only because I felt it was her show to run. Her communication only told me one thing; by breaking up with me she chose not to listen to herself, and the more texts I let her initiate, the more of them I received, the truer this statement became as I knew one thing was certain in this life; you could lie to everyone you want to in this world, but the one person you could never lie to is yourself.
ANYA: ¡°Can I c u next week? Am I wrong in asking? I just miss u so much I don¡¯t know how to handle it.¡±
Unlawfully taken from Royal Road, this story should be reported if seen on Amazon.
ME: ¡°Of course babe! I miss you just as much.¡±
Every time her heart called out to me in pain, for a decision she made for my benefit and not her own, I planned on being there to catch her. Her agony was my own, and I needed her as much as she needed me. It¡¯s how soulmate love worked. Society saw her with another man, but the universe believed she belonged to me and we to each other as we worked in tandem destruction to construct a life forever together.
The next day, happiness filled me when I went into work as I knew I¡¯d finally see her again the following week. My profession was a mental one and relied solely on the strength of my mind but sometimes I hurt so bad, I lost focus. It was much like having a broken arm while unloading a truck full of inventory as it incapacitated me, but I had to keep this struggle to myself. This was why it always felt good to know when my eyes would see her again, like a cast helped to heal a broken arm.
Later as my lunch break neared its end, I tallied up another time she listened to herself.
12:48 p.m.
¡°How r u? I missed u last night.¡±
ME: ¡°I¡¯m good. You know I was just thinking about how much I missed u last night too. It seems like no matter how far apart we are, we stay connected. How r u, babe? I¡¯m really excited to see you next week!¡±
ANYA: ¡°I can¡¯t wait baby! I know it does feel like that but then I felt that way the first night. We¡¯re soulmates. That¡¯s why we had that connection.¡±
ME: ¡°It¡¯s hard to believe I¡¯ve met someone who feels the same way I do about being in love. Soulmates, Forever. I love you.¡±
ANYA: ¡°I love you too.¡±
Our textchange was going great¡until it threatened to break my heart.
ANYA: ¡°I want to be honest w/u and tell u I¡¯m on my way down South for the weekend w/the kids. I dreaded telling u. I¡¯m sorry. One of my reasons¡¡±
Since it was summer, I didn¡¯t think her trip to San Diego would be on a weekend let alone this one, and the shock of it wouldn¡¯t allow me to take it anywhere else but to heart. I tried to play it cool, but it hurt me to imagine the scene. More than anything though, I wondered why Anya felt she needed to break up with me because of a family trip to San Diego if it wasn¡¯t a big deal. The fact she dreaded telling me about it scared the shit out of me.
ME: ¡°You told me about it so what¡¯s the problem?¡±
ANYA: ¡°I know but I didn¡¯t tell you when.¡±
I couldn¡¯t respond to her as I found myself in a time warp back into my past. Why would she be filled with such dread if it was just a vacation with the kids? Why didn¡¯t she tell me when it was? Why did it just get sprung upon me? Why is she planning vacations with her husband after all we¡¯ve shared and all I¡¯ve been told? How do I know for sure it¡¯s truly a family outing? She told me about it already so why the sudden dread? Why the fear? What was she hiding from me? Negativity on the highest plane filtrated my mind, an adversity that left me wordless. Two hours later though, Anya reached out to me.
2:01 p.m.
¡°I know you¡¯re working, and I¡¯m sorry to bother u but r u ok? It¡¯s not going to be easy for me either. I¡¯m doing it for the kids. I¡¯m alone w/them till tonight.¡±
I could have sworn my heart spilled out of my body cavity after I read this as it killed me to not be the man she waited for in San Diego. To know she waited for a man who cheated on her several times and he was the one allowed to be with her and not the man who truly loved her. It began to break my heart when I considered she wasn¡¯t brave enough to even vouch for me as it left me to wonder if I was only good enough to love and not to be with, and I couldn¡¯t stop the steady onslaught of thoughts filled with anguish and despair as if beaten down by invisible fists that flew from every direction. What did she want me to tell her? ¡°I¡¯m so happy for you! Have a great weekend!¡± How did she expect me to feel? Did she expect my stamp of approval? All I could say or do at this point was to say or do the wrong thing, and that¡¯s pretty much exactly what I did.
ME: ¡°Just do what you have to do. It doesn¡¯t matter how I feel. If it did, u would not be with your husband. Just enjoy yourself. U told me about this so I¡¯m not mad at you.¡±
I thought twice about sending this text before I did, but all I could do now was wait for her response.
ANYA: ¡°Wow¡±
After I read her reaction to my text, I felt instant remorse, but my past razed me then broke me. I then began to worry if she was afraid to hurt me, what would be her incentive to tell me the truth about anything? She had to know these kind of things she did would hurt someone who had strong feelings for her. Didn¡¯t she? All I could really do at this point was hope and put my faith in that she loved me too much to do things to hurt me. I trusted she wouldn¡¯t lead me on a path that led to nowhere as I believed her love for me was too deep to do so, but I couldn¡¯t deny the slight doubt, enough to bend the light.
I apologized to her a couple of times via text but I never heard back from her. The truth was if I was not okay with something would this be her usual response? To just say ¡°wow¡± and shun me? Then again, I couldn¡¯t treat this like a normal relationship. I had to understand my response likely put her in a bad spot emotionally because of her kids, and I had to keep that in mind each time I questioned things as once again I failed to do so. I couldn¡¯t make things difficult on her no matter how much I hurt as long as I didn¡¯t completely hide how I truly felt so she wasn¡¯t left out in the dark, but my message had to take into consideration her situation no matter how much I believed it should change or how much it pained me otherwise we wouldn¡¯t make it, and she would choose a life of darkness.
I didn¡¯t expect to hear from her the entire weekend, but the next morning she responded.
10:46 a.m.
¡°I¡¯m sorry I hurt u. I need time to digest ur text. I don¡¯t know what to say anymore. Of course I care how u feel. Not even a question. Have a nice weekend.¡±
Beyond elated just to see a text from her, I barely read what she had to say as I quickly responded.
ME: ¡°I know u care about how I feel. Never a question in my mind about that. I¡¯m just saying it doesn¡¯t matter if I¡¯m ok or not. It¡¯s not like ur going to cancel ur trip and I wouldn¡¯t want u to for my sake. Just assume I¡¯m going to miss u and my stomach is going to hurt. Doesn¡¯t matter whether we¡¯re together or not. I just didn¡¯t understand why u dreaded telling me u were going to San Diego. I knew about it. When u asked me if I was ok I just don¡¯t know what u wanted to hear. I¡¯m in love w/u. Of course I¡¯m going to hurt just like you would.¡±
ANYA: ¡°I guess there was no right way to tell you. I just wanted to give u the heads up that I was going away and I couldn¡¯t talk. I dreaded b/c I didn¡¯t want to remind you.¡±
ME: ¡°See, I clearly overreacted. I¡¯m sorry. I didn¡¯t see things that way. I thought the worse. It made me afraid you weren¡¯t there for the kids but for him. I¡¯m so sorry, babe. I should know how much you care about my feelings by now.¡±
ANYA: ¡°I asked if u were ok b/c I felt badly. If I didn¡¯t care about how u were I would just take off and not ask. Yes, I¡¯m here b/c of the kids.¡±
ME: ¡°I know you care about me.¡±
ANYA: ¡°I think about u 24/7.¡±
ME: ¡°I¡¯m an idiot sometimes, Anya. You know¡I¡¯m just an idiot. It broke my heart because I wish I could be the one w/u and the kids in San Diego, and that¡¯s why I took the news so hard. It just got the best of me.¡±
ANYA: ¡°Ur not an idiot! I wish I could be w/u too but¡I¡¯ve done nothing but think, wonder, dream and worry about u since I left. I¡¯m trying my best to have fun.¡±
ME: ¡°Please have fun, babe. I¡¯m sorry. It¡¯s my fault. I¡¯m fine. No need to worry about me. Please enjoy your time with the kids.¡±
ANYA: ¡°I love you, u know.¡±
ME: ¡°I know you do, and I love you too, u know.¡±
ANYA: ¡°In fact, I¡¯m where I am cuz the kids. ¡°How u feel¡± does matter to me. I wouldn¡¯t drive myself crazy worrying about it if I didn¡¯t. I sound like a broken record.¡±
ME: ¡°It¡¯s my fault you feel you sound like a broken record. I know how I feel does matter to you, but I also know it can¡¯t matter because of the situation. I understand. I¡¯ll let you go, now. Have fun.¡±
After we put our latest fire out, I felt much better. I wanted her to have a good time in San Diego with her kids as I felt awful about making things difficult for her once again. I just wanted to be there with her and not here at my apartment wishing I could be. I was in love and there just wasn¡¯t an off switch whenever my past decided to make an appearance to rape the purity of my positive thoughts about us. After all was said and done though, like every other misunderstanding that preceded this one, we came out with a better understanding of our feelings, and that¡¯s what all healthy relationships did.
Later that evening she sent me a sweet text, one I didn¡¯t expect to receive at all.
8:47 p.m.
¡°With all my being, goodnight.¡±
After a lonely Thursday night and a silent Friday morning, my Friday night at home became more tolerable after I received her text even if it was quite possibly the only one I¡¯d receive from her for the rest of the weekend.
ME: ¡°With all my being too, goodnight my love.¡±
I then decided to try and go to bed so I could make it to the gym early Sunday morning as her text acted on my mind like a valium pill.
When Saturday arrived, the unexpected continued to happen as she sent me a late morning text.
11:53 a.m.
¡°Thinking of you.¡±
I had to admit it was so nice to hear from her, to know I was on her mind and not completely forgotten when she found herself among the type of people I didn¡¯t have the luxury of having in my life. A few hours later she sent me another text to let me know she hoped I was having a nice day and that she loved me. To go from sixty texts a day to only a few was hard as she became the biggest part of my life, and when she went missing, so did I. I thought about going to Paseos or to visit my parents, but I felt out of sorts and too depressed to drive. I opted instead to pop open a bottle of wine I¡¯ve had for the last couple of years, and enjoy the view of the night sky in perfect weather from my balcony. As I sat in my chair with a generous glass of Pinot in my hand, a large, rather unusually bright moon caught my eye. As I gazed up at it and thought of Anya, the light on my cell phone began to blink.
9:17 p.m.
¡°Goodnight baby. I miss u terribly.¡±
ME: ¡°I miss u terribly too. I¡¯m looking at the moon right now. Can you see it? It¡¯s beautiful tonight.¡±
ANYA: ¡°I see it, babe.¡±
ME: ¡°See. That¡¯s what I¡¯m talking about.¡±
ANYA: ¡°What do you mean?¡±
ME: ¡°I mean we¡¯re closer than we think we are. We¡¯re both under and can see the same beautiful moon. I love you.¡±
ANYA: ¡°I love you forever.¡±
And then came a series of text exchanges that made me feel her love and need from so far away.
10:08 p.m.
¡°I love you.¡±
ME: ¡°I love you too.¡±
ANYA: ¡°All my being.¡±
ME: ¡°With all I am. All I will ever be.¡±
10:44 p.m.
¡°I love you.¡±
ME: ¡°I love you! You¡¯re still up at this hour?¡±
ANYA: ¡°Yes, just miss u.¡±
ME: ¡°I miss u too, beautiful.¡±
11:08 p.m.
¡°I love you forever.¡±
Up until the wine helped relax me, the entire day I felt distraught and uneasy because I missed her so much, my best friend in this life, the only woman who ever matched me on an emotional level. It eased my worried mind to know she felt the same way I did through her texts as she proved this trip away wasn¡¯t easy on her as well, and once again, I felt awful about the way I reacted to her trip. Whether she was drunk, or if she prepped herself to have sex with someone she didn¡¯t love, which were both possibilities on this night, the one thing I did know was who she wanted to be with, and it meant everything to me.
The next day she returned from her trip but instead of going straight home, she took the kids, along with Carolyn and her kids who I found out vacationed with her in San Diego, to the Hollywood Bowl, an outside concert venue one hundred and twenty miles north of San Diego in Los Angeles, to see ¡°Les Miserables¡±, one of my favorite plays. She then informed me her son¡¯s classmate was on tap to play Cossette in the play that evening and was the reason for them all going. During the show she messaged me.
8:55 p.m.
¡°It¡¯s beautiful here especially on a summer night. Wish u were here. I miss u.¡±
After I read her message I transported myself next to her on the grass of the Hollywood Bowl under the stars. I then thought about the significance of Carolyn¡¯s family vacationing with her as I was surprised she didn¡¯t tell me about it and that Carolyn knew Jackson well enough to go with her own husband, but their kids were the same ages so it made sense in that regard. I further reasoned time spent with Carolyn was less time spent with Jackson which did my heart good, but the fa?ade of the two couples and their families seemed strange knowing all I knew. It brought me back to the question, how could Anya and Carolyn both know all about what¡¯s going on and were able to be around their husbands with a straight face? How could they have gone along with this plan and feel no anxiety in any way? Did Anya break up with me to make Carolyn feel more comfortable on the trip? What about Carolyn¡¯s own infidelity? I tried not to dwell on it too much, but I had to accept something seemed out of place. In the end, the way I chose to look at it was this; Carolyn was there to act as a buffer from Jackson in case Anya¡¯s emotions got the best of her, and when I saw things from that angle, I digested Carolyn¡¯s company on the trip much easier.
Since I had a hard time falling asleep, which I usually did on a Sunday night in denial of the end of my weekend as I tried to drag it out longer, I decided to be productive and go through my old files to get rid of some paperwork I no longer needed. During my spur of the moment file maintenance I came across some old poems and songs I had written for fun, but I then also came across some old emails I still had between Denise and I. As I absorbed myself in her fateful words to me, I jettisoned back in time to a painful period in my life, a time of my life only Anya¡¯s love eliminated from my memory. As my mind absorbed Denise¡¯s cold words again I began to see some similarity in Anya¡¯s dismissal of me, and it consumed me so much I kept waking up throughout the night as I not only wondered about but also feared ¡°what if¡±. Surprisingly on that Monday morning, as if she could sense something was wrong, Anya text me earlier than usual.
7:04 a.m.
¡°Good morning! How r u?¡±
ME: ¡°Good morning! I¡¯m ok, babe. What r u up to today?¡±
ANYA: ¡°Back on chauffer duty and work. I miss you.¡±
ME: ¡°I miss u too.¡±
ANYA: ¡°R u just ok cuz ur tired from going to bed late?¡±
Anya had a way of knowing I hadn¡¯t been sleeping well even though I never mentioned a word about it, and if she felt for me an ounce of all I felt for her, it was easy to see why she knew. I just couldn¡¯t shake what Denise wrote me out of my head and my perceived similarities born from fear and a sadness I couldn¡¯t begin to describe, so I decided to come clean with my best friend to aid me with a description for what I felt.
ME: ¡°As I was going through some old paperwork last night, in between the poems and songs I written years ago, I found some old emails my ex sent me. I guess I still had the email where my ex told me she had ¡°met someone new¡± about 7 years ago. After she broke my heart she went on to thank me for raising her standards b/c I was such a ¡°sweet¡± guy to her. I had forgotten she wrote me that. It just brought me back to an emotional place. She never loved me though, and for years I thought I loved her until I met you. It just made me feel very used.¡±
Unknown to me at the time, I believe this was the reason why I snapped and text to her ¡°glad to be of service¡± when she broke it off and after she informed me she could now continue to raise her kids with great appreciation. I didn¡¯t even realize how Denise¡¯s words scarred my mind as they were ingrained for the last seven years without me even giving a second thought to them. It seemed losing love was always the price I paid whenever a woman referred to me as a nice or sweet guy as I no longer took it as a compliment. After Denise left me, I was pretty convinced women preferred bad men over a gentleman who opened doors for them, waited until they sat down before they did and who genuinely took an interest in all they ever had to say. At least the women I found myself drawn to appeared to not want anything to do with a chivalrous man, so I accepted I¡¯d probably be alone forever and embraced this reality. Now, after I took the greatest chance of my life, it seemed to be happening all over again but this time in a different scenario.
ANYA: ¡°It sounds as if u never really got over your ex. No matter what happens, I hope u know that my love for you is real and I¡¯m not using you.¡±
ME: ¡°I¡¯m over my ex, babe. I could never share myself with you the way I have if I wasn¡¯t, but I guess I¡¯m still not over the way she made me feel about myself. You¡¯re the only one in my heart babe. I trust your words.¡±
ANYA: ¡°Good! I¡¯m glad! Ur an amazing man and it was her loss!¡±
ME: ¡°You know, you¡¯re not the first person to tell me that but you are the first person I ever believed when they said it. Thanks Babe.¡±
ANYA: ¡°Think about it. If ur going to be with someone you should have mutual respect and love right? Ha! I should talk!¡±
ME: ¡°Ha! You just summed up the reason why I decided to trust in your love and be in your life, babe. I think you deserve both those things. I miss you. I had a hard weekend. I¡¯m sorry. I hope you understand.¡±
ANYA: ¡°Yes, I understand. Some days I go from being ok to not ok to back to ok in a matter of minutes. It¡¯s been very difficult. This weekend was hard I know, we¡¯re one.¡±
ME: ¡°One, for sure.¡±
I truly believed Anya felt for me all I did for her, and even though I questioned her form of love at times, I trusted she knew what love was because of the experience with her pained past. Inadvertently however when I mentioned the email I found from Denise, I didn¡¯t consider the affect it might have on her too, and knowing she loved like I loved, I should had known better when I read her text she sent me later that same evening.
5:23 p.m.
¡°When u dug up ur ¡°old¡± writings, poems, and songs were they written for ur ex? Sorry random. I¡¯m not asking from jealousy. Just curious.¡±
ME: ¡°I¡¯m sorry, Sweetheart if I did make you jealous. It wasn¡¯t my intention. I understand your curiosity. I never wrote a single song or a single poem nor did I ever keep a journal or even write about her. I sent her about 5 emails over the course of eight months trying to win her back but she ignored every one of them. That was the extent of my writings to her. I don¡¯t even know why I still have that horrific email from her. With the exception of a love letter I wrote my first girlfriend, you¡¯re the only girl I¡¯ve ever wrote about and written too, and you¡¯re the only girl I¡¯d ever write a poem or a song for because you¡¯re truly the only girl I¡¯ve ever loved. It¡¯s too bad you can¡¯t keep a journal. It helps me when I miss you.¡±
ANYA: ¡°I would if I could. I can¡¯t write like u for one and I can¡¯t have it around.¡±
ME: ¡°I don¡¯t feel my writing is anything to write home about babe. I guess I just enjoy it so maybe it comes off that way. I think you¡¯re an excellent writer, but I understand why you can¡¯t have a journal around. Maybe someday.¡±
I then began to reminisce about the days in my college business law class when I used to perform past court cases in front of the entire class. I would present some pretty compelling arguments too, so good in fact my professor pulled me aside one day to beg me to consider a career in law. I did think about law school and even began to study for the LSAT, but decided against it because I didn¡¯t want to chase ambulances, and knowing my luck I¡¯d probably end up championing the guilty and deriding the innocent, and that scared me away more than anything. Later on that evening I received a text I began to believe extended my life by at least a month each time she sent it to me.
6:51 p.m.
¡°I love you.¡±
ME: ¡°I love you too!¡±
ANYA: ¡°I was thinking maybe ur professor thought u¡¯d be a good lawyer b/c ur good at writing persuasively?¡±
ME: ¡°Actually, I never wrote anything for her. One time though I had to write a persuasive paper in a college business writing class. It¡¯s the only paper I¡¯ve ever written that I got a perfect score on. That¡¯s the only evidence I have of any good persuasive writing skills.¡±
ANYA: ¡°Oh I c! I love learning about u!¡±
ME: ¡°I love learning about u too! The funny thing is I was just thinking about my college business law class. I¡¯m flattered you even remember I told you about that because I forgot I did. I thought I was safe telling you such trivial info about me. I¡¯d have to write down stuff like that about me just to remember.¡±
ANYA: ¡°I keep notes in my head, but Ur still not safe! I fully intend to ask u about ur ¡°acting¡± adventure someday!¡±
ME: ¡°Oh please, I love you too much to waste your time telling you about my joke of an acting career. I don¡¯t want you to fall out of love with me when I tell you what shows I was on!¡±
ANYA: ¡°Ha! Can¡¯t wait! Nothing can change the way I feel about u unless you¡¯ve had a sex change or u¡¯ve murdered or molested someone!¡±
ME: ¡°You have no idea what shows I was on otherwise you¡¯ll add that to the list! I always worry about your feelings changing for me. When you came over to break it off with me, I thought they did.¡±
ANYA: ¡°Really? My feelings haven¡¯t changed about you since day one. I think about you even when I don¡¯t think about you! Makes sense?¡±
ME: ¡°Ha! Not really, but I¡¯ll go with it!¡±
ANYA: ¡°Ur here for a reason. The world would be a better place if more people were like you.¡±
ME: ¡°Thanks Babe. I feel the same way about you too.¡±
Anya was my universe, and it broke my heart to see the woman I loved not being true to herself and to have lived a dishonest life for so long. I didn¡¯t believe marriages when one spouse was ¡°in love¡± with someone else lasted, and it¡¯s why I felt she only delayed the inevitable. Eventually, she would leave him because I truly believed she was too good of a person to stay committed to a lie if the truth revealed itself to save her. I felt her decision to stay, or to leave, needed to be decided by an adult and not by kids, and I truly believed deep down she also felt this was true as Anya was reasonable enough to ascertain her kids did not know the truth. Even though we both agreed the time was not right, and as much as it pained me to see her still caught in a lie as Mrs. Jackson Caiaphas, I also believed the sooner she left him, the better off she and her kids would be. Katie and Andrew both relied on her to be honest with them and looked up to her for guidance as it broke my heart to imagine Katie going down the same path as Anya one day. To experience the same sadness like her mother because she lacked the courage to show her children the light of the truth as it was love, trust, and mutual respect that led to a life of happiness and not things purchased by plastic or paper. Even though I wondered daily how much longer Anya could continue to deny the truth to herself, I also believed I knew the answer to that question, and it was simply as long as I let her.
The next morning at about a quarter to eleven on a hot August Tuesday, I decided to leave the office and step outside to relax for ten minutes inside my car. I wasn¡¯t sleeping much at all, and I couldn¡¯t get in the right frame of mind to review a client file. I tried desperately to wrap the job up before the end of the morning but the equations on a particular schedule I needed to review made as much sense as the painful equation in my head which relied on a heart that knew love, faith and hope were the only variables that could solve it.
I turned the air conditioning on full blast and put my face to the vent to allow the cool air to blow hard upon my face as I began to doze off while the soothing sound of the flowing air washed over me. I was then jolted from my state of near peaceful slumber when my phone began to vibrate, as the comforting cool air from the vents was suddenly replaced by the calm of a familiar red light that flashed vibrantly. As I put an end to the light¡¯s frantic behavior, I read nothing short of the unexpected.
10:51 a.m.
¡°Do you still think about me in the morning? Am I still in your fantasy even though we¡¯re broken up? I need to know.¡±
I didn¡¯t waste a single second to direct my fingers to call her number, and after she answered with a ¡°Hi babe¡± I didn¡¯t let another second pass to answer her question.
¡°I still wake up in the middle of the night thinking about you. I miss kissing you. I miss your touch. I miss seeing your smile. I miss feeling your face against mine. I miss playing with your hair. I miss your voice. I miss feeling you against me. I miss your laugh. I miss everything about you.¡± I said as a stray tear snuck down my cheek. ¡°You¡¯re the first thing on my mind in the morning and the last thing on my mind when I go to bed, and you¡¯re still better than the woman of my dreams. I always fantasize about you. More than ever.¡±
¡°Babe¡I¡¯m so sorry. I¡¯m tearing up.¡± she said as she tried to compose herself to get her words out. ¡°I¡¯m happy and relieved because I feel the same way. I miss our closeness, but how fair is that to tell you when I did what I did?¡±
¡°You did what you did because you love me.¡± I said. ¡°I understand now, and I really believe in our love even under the circumstances; more than ever. It¡¯s just not the right time now.¡±
¡°I can¡¯t take back what I did because you¡¯re right, it¡¯s not the right time.¡± she said. ¡°I thought it would be easier if we were broken up. I thought if I break up and keep some distance I could think clearly about us. I haven¡¯t been fair because I¡¯m still contacting you. I want to tell u so much but can¡¯t. I also wanted to test our love by breaking up¡but how is our love tested when I can¡¯t keep my distance? Sorry I guess I should talk to you about it in person. Sorry, I went off on a tangent. I love you.¡±
¡°You can go off on a tangent any time your heart desires babe. I enjoy your tangents!¡± I said to comfort her. ¡°I forgive you, Sweetheart. I didn¡¯t make things easy on you at all. I agree¡we should talk about this in person. I love you too.¡±
¡°Can I try and explain myself again, babe?¡±
¡°Please.¡±
¡°Ok¡let me try to explain myself a little better.¡± she said as she tried to fight back tears I heard as they choked her. ¡°I broke up with you because I felt pressure and I wasn¡¯t ready to tell my kids. I also thought distance between us would allow me to think clearly. I wanted to make sure I did the right thing. I know time will tell and this is not the right time, but if our love was meant to be¡it will work out. That is the test.¡±
¡°Babe, I beg you to think about this. You allowed me to come see your daughter perform.¡± I stated. ¡°Whatever test we were supposed to pass; I believe we have already done so. I never looked at that as a test though because it wasn¡¯t a test but an honor. I don¡¯t know what other test we need to pass. I love you and you love me. There¡¯s no question.¡±
¡°I wasn¡¯t testing you by asking you to come see Katie.¡± she countered. ¡°I really wanted to share an important part of my life with the man I love. My situation is more complicated than that.¡±
¡°Ok.¡± I said. ¡°I guess I just feel how much more proof do you need? What other test or tests do we have to pass?¡±
¡°I guess we should just talk in person. Sorry to have taken so much of your time babe. I love you to death. I still fantasize about you too. Our love is not even up for questioning. I just have to look at the whole picture with my kids involved. One of my reps told me that he left his wife after 18 years.¡±
¡°Oh, I¡¯m sorry to hear that.¡± I said.
¡°He told me his kids were in their ¡°teens¡± when he did it. It¡¯s been 6 years.¡± she further explained. ¡°He told me the divorce ¡°fucked them up¡±. These are the kind of stories I deal with.¡±
When she told me this, I felt put on the defensive. Did she think her kids would be unaffected by a divorce? Most kids, if not all were, but I believed the way parents handled the divorce had a lot to do with how kids adapted to it.
¡°No disrespect to your rep, babe, but I also believe there are other reasons why his kids were probably ¡°fucked up¡± by the divorce.¡± I tried to reason. ¡°You have to also consider there are probably things some people won¡¯t tell you because they don¡¯t want to appear to be the one who ¡°fucked¡± their kids up. I don¡¯t think anyone, especially someone vying for your business or in business with you, would tell you they were in any way shape or form responsible for their kids not handling the divorce well. I think people generally portray themselves as golden parents when they know in their heart the way they handled the divorce was why the kids took it so hard, or had trouble understanding it.¡±
¡°You don¡¯t know that babe. Maybe just the divorce alone was disruptive enough to mess them up?¡±
¡°Any divorce will cause a disruption of some kind, babe, but I also know this for a fact, no one you talk to will tell you how they contributed to their kid¡¯s having a hard time handling the divorce because they want to seem like good parents to you, especially someone you work with or do business with. The fact is most kids do go on to successful and happy lives but they do say the older they are, the harder it is for them to understand.¡±
¡°Really? Exactly where did you collect this data?¡± she asked. ¡°I don¡¯t have anything to hide babe. I do my best with my kids and they¡¯ll tell you that. I love them very much.¡±
¡°Not a doubt in my mind about that. You¡¯re a wonderful mother. It¡¯s one of the reasons I love you so much. I know how much they mean to you. My heart hurts every day because of it but I wouldn¡¯t want it any other way. They¡¯re a bonus, in my book.¡± I said. ¡°I get my data from the internet and bookstores mostly. I¡¯ve been doing a lot of research on this because I need to know if what I¡¯m doing would hurt your children; I care about their well being too. I don¡¯t want them to hate me, you know. I love kids, and from what I¡¯ve learned through all the articles I¡¯ve read, I don¡¯t believe I am. I hope you don¡¯t think I¡¯m being argumentative. I know this is a sensitive issue and I¡¯m not trying to disagree with you at all. I¡¯m just offering what I¡¯ve learned that¡¯s all. Just something to consider. I love you.¡±
¡°I know babe. I know you care.¡± she said. ¡°I love you too. You¡¯re my best friend. My soulmate. My love.¡±
¡°You¡¯re mine too, but you¡¯re right though.¡± I said. ¡°We should talk about this in person.¡±
¡°I agree. We should talk in person. I think we have a lot stored inside and it doesn¡¯t take much. I think about our last time in your room all the time.¡±
¡°I think about it all the time too, babe.¡±
¡°I wonder if we can go back to that place again in your room.¡± she said. ¡°I miss you. All of you.¡±
¡°I miss all of you too. I miss feeling your skin against mine, inhaling you¡having you in my arms.¡±
¡°Ahhh! I love it! I¡¯m so turned on! I so want you!!!¡±
¡°I don¡¯t have any words left to express how much I want you.¡±
¡°What about our status?¡± she asked abruptly. ¡°Don¡¯t get me wrong. I need you too. I want to feel our love again too but¡¡±
¡°Together.¡± I said without hesitation. ¡°We no longer consider ourselves broken up.¡±
¡°I don¡¯t know Landyn, Can we talk about it when we see each other? I think I need some space to think clearly. It¡¯s too important to discuss over the phone.¡±
¡°I understand. Take your time, babe.¡± I said. ¡°I have to get back up in the office now. I love you.¡±
¡°I love you forever!¡± she said. ¡°Talk to you later!¡±
When I got off the phone with her, I walked back to the office readier and more inspired to wrap up the file I couldn¡¯t focus on not fifteen minutes earlier. Our phone conversation, and her change of heart was all I needed; just some light through the clouds to let me know the sun was still there.
Later that evening, sunshine even snuck through the night.
9:19 p.m.
¡°I love you!!!¡±
An uninitiated ¡°I love you¡± text with not just one but three exclamation points?
I liked our chances.
CHAPTER 7 ~ TO SEIZE THE SUN
¡°And so, it is
Just like you said it should be
We''ll both forget the breeze
Most of the time.¡±
~ ¡°The Blower¡¯s Daughter¡± Damien Rice
After our productive discussion over the phone, I felt confident she would consider us to be back ¡°together¡± even though I felt we always were and just not technically speaking in her eyes. Anya needed an emotional break from our relationship because the kids were around her often during the summer, and the bottom line was my struggles took her away from them mentally. I felt bad for the grief I gave her, but my past loved to strangle me as it left my inexperienced heart in a situation such as hers, unraveled at times which blinded me to her reality with them at home, a reality I truly knew nothing about. For the next couple of days she sat on her decision before she hit me with what direction she had planned for us.
1:08 p.m.
¡°I miss you and I love you! I was just thinking since you don¡¯t have next Friday off, would it be too hard for you to be home and meet me by 5?¡±
ME: ¡°Not a problem at all. I miss you and I love you too!¡±
ANYA: ¡°I was also thinking I¡¯ll go ¡°running¡± at 4:30 a.m. Yikes! I¡¯ll leave my house at 4:15. I¡¯ll crawl in with you and we can go back to bed. Ok with you?¡±
ME: ¡°Wait a second. Let me get this straight. You want to come see me at my place on Friday evening at 5, then see me again at 4:30ish on Saturday morning not even 12 hours later? Is that what you¡¯re proposing?¡±
ANYA: ¡°Not too early for u? I could come over later but we¡¯ll have less time and I¡¯d prefer to leave the house when no one is awake. I¡¯d have to leave at 8:30 when the kids are up.¡±
ME: ¡°I can¡¯t wait. I love you forever. Thank u babe.¡±
ANYA: ¡°I love you forever. Can¡¯t wait too!¡±
And just like that it appeared we were on again; technically back together in her eyes.
Later that evening she sent me a text before she went to bed, and her words made me feel how much and why she missed me, words I always longed to see or hear from someone I loved.
8:05 a.m.
¡°I miss u baby. I want to fall asleep in ur arms again. It felt so natural. I felt so safe in ur arms.¡±
Her words held a powerful meaning and significance because they came from someone who never felt safe in a place she should have always been made to feel safe with her feelings in; her marriage. Something Anya never had to worry about when I held her in my arms. My loyalty for her was real, even boundless in a situation where she wasn¡¯t completely loyal to me as I was even loyal to her in my dreams. This need in her life, an absolute necessity in any marriage, to feel the person who held her and not just told her he loved her but did so with actions, I believed was far greater than the need to stay for the sake of her children. Our love provided all the evidence in the world against staying betrothed to him as our relationship was a result of years of emotional abuse, a mental malady of the worst kind. I wanted her to always know and feel secure for all of her remaining breaths that the person who held her in her arms would never dream of breaking her heart. That he respected and loved her enough to choose a brave discussion over a cowardly way out. This responsibility I took seriously. One I not only looked upon as my duty but also an honor as I felt she needed to know she was forever number one in the heart of the man who loved her. Such safety simply never existed in her life with Jackson, even before they were married, as Anya experienced nothing but anxiety and distrust throughout the entire course of their time together. I wanted Anya never to have to second guess a man¡¯s feelings ever again, that the days of her feeling insecure with any feelings of vulnerability were over as this remained my purpose in her life regardless of the circumstances. I couldn¡¯t fathom even a loving God would have not wanted her to feel anything less with another man who wasn¡¯t her husband all because in the eyes of most people on this rotating rock, who probably never really read the Bible but claimed to know God¡¯s word, knew she was married. I had come to learn through her words, her pain and her actions, more than ever when she ¡°broke up¡± with me, not only did she feel the safest with me, but was mentally cured from her illness as she was no longer sick and no longer a victim of his emotional abuse. Ultimately, this truth led me to further believe if people truly knew the details of her pain, they would only be moved to rally for us to have what we¡¯ve found in each other.
The next day her son threw a pool party and barbecue at the house with his friends. She text me at seven that morning, but I never heard back from her until the late afternoon. I didn¡¯t want to distract her though so since I had the day off, I decided to visit my parents. When I arrived at the house, I found my mother outside as she watered her plants in the backyard, a sign she was feeling well. The minute I arrived though, Anya sent me a text which diverted my attention away from my visit.
4:57 p.m.
¡°Party is still going! Andrew did a good job! U won¡¯t believe it though. Now I¡¯m having neighbors over for dinner. Just evolved. Carolyn & Debbie are coming over too of course. I just delivered fresh fruit platters to the temple b/c it was my turn to host. Ahhh! Crazy! I miss u. I¡¯m counting the days!¡±
ME: ¡°I miss you too. Can¡¯t wait for next Friday! Happy to hear Andrew did well as the Master of the pool party/barbecue! Is the dinner a special occasion?¡±
ANYA: ¡°No occasion. It just evolved throughout the day talking to the girls and neighbors. It always starts with ¡°what are you doing for dinner?¡± No big deal.¡±
ME: ¡°Ok. Oh well, have fun.¡±
ANYA: ¡°Don¡¯t be bummed babe. It bums me out when u r. I guess it¡¯s a vicious circle.¡±
I knew she had to do it for the kids, and I felt bad she sensed my grief about the party, but the fa?ade stabbed at my heart relentlessly. The fake element about it just didn¡¯t set well because I missed her so damn much it paralyzed me as I struggled to fill the void with any time for fun in my own life without her. She informed me she was a social person, but her life was so much different than I envisioned before we began to see each other as she never communicated these things to me in the beginning of our relationship. I never thought the fa?ade of her marriage took on this great an audience and it left me unsettled, even more so when my mother noticed I became quiet.
¡°What¡¯s wrong?¡± she asked as she turned to me with an active water hose in hand.
¡°Oh. Nothing. Anya just text me.¡± I said as I tucked my phone deep into my pocket as I squinted off into nowhere. ¡°She told me she¡¯s hosting a spur of the moment dinner with neighbors. I don¡¯t know¡maybe because its Friday night and I have nothing to do, but it bummed me out a little bit.¡±
¡°Oh Landy, geez it¡¯s just a dinner.¡± she said as she turned off the hose and began to reel it in its housing. ¡°Probably just a bunch of kids running around. Nothing to worry about.¡±
¡°Can I ask you a question?¡±
¡°What is it?¡±
¡°Not that I ever would, but if I ever got married and cheated on my wife, how would you handle it?¡±
¡°I¡¯d disown you.¡±
¡°Fair enough.¡± I responded. ¡°I just wish I had more things to do sometimes. I used to always have something to do on the weekends. But I¡¯m in love with her so it¡¯s not the same feeling when I go out anymore. Sometimes I just wonder why it seems so easy for her, and so hard for me.¡±
¡°It only seems that way, Landy.¡± she said as she began to wipe her wet hands on her beige baggy shorts.
I don¡¯t know what inspired me to do so, but I then glanced upwards and noticed the blue sky moon.
¡°Yeah. You¡¯re right. That¡¯s the way I need to look at this.¡± I said. ¡°I¡¯m going inside to use the restroom.¡±
¡°Okay.¡± she said as she tried to catch her breath as she moved on to her next early evening garden chore.
When I entered the house to use the restroom, I had to pass through a den and my mother¡¯s bedroom to get to the bathroom, but on the way I came upon the familiar dulled orange bottle that contained my mother¡¯s painkillers. For the first time not only did I not ask at all, but I also swallowed two pills at once as I felt a sudden urge for them to help me with my mind¡¯s processing of Anya¡¯s neighborhood dinner. To deduct a picture I framed in my mind of the scene around her, a perfect one in which I did not exist in her life. When I left the house that day, I never told my mother I took two of her pills. Not only did I believe she wouldn¡¯t notice, but I also didn¡¯t want her to think I needed them as I felt it was just a one-time thing. They did however get me through the storm of emotions, and I fell fast asleep even before Anya text me good night at almost eleven that evening.
The next morning Anya sent me texts that displayed her level of understanding.
7:34 a.m.
¡°I love you handsome.¡±
ME: ¡°I love you too. I¡¯m sorry about yesterday. I didn¡¯t mean to bum you out. I hope you had fun.¡±
ANYA: ¡°That¡¯s ok. It¡¯s hard b/c I want to tell u what I¡¯m doing but feel as if maybe I shouldn¡¯t tell u. They were families of Andrew¡¯s friends. Mostly neighbors but I had them over anyway so the families came over for dinner and took their kids home. I know I hurt u and this is one of my reasons for breaking up. I have to raise my kids right now. It¡¯s summer for them. I can¡¯t stop living and making life enjoyable for my kids.¡±
ME: ¡°Please don¡¯t feel you need to hold back from telling me anything you¡¯re doing. I¡¯d like to know. I¡¯m sorry for giving you any grief for something you need to do. I completely understand.¡±
ANYA: ¡°Just because I¡¯m entertaining doesn¡¯t mean u leave my mind for a second. Have a good day today. I miss you like crazy. I love you.¡±
I really did understand how important that was for her to do, but at the same time I felt no one could simply give someone tremendous feelings and then live the same life as before when someone is heavily vested in you. Unfortunately for both of us, these feelings weren¡¯t something I could just turn off and after all we¡¯ve shared and she allowed me to feel for her, I also felt I shouldn¡¯t even have to. Then again, she was used to being with a man who was devoid of empathy; a man who apparently could turn his feelings on and off whenever it fancied him, and she probably believed this was in some way normal for someone who claimed to be ¡°in love¡± with her. The fact of the matter was simply this; he infected her. He afflicted her with his own mental illness as he sold her on his undying love for her. Since Anya was so conditioned to his treatment after fifteen years, she didn¡¯t realize she had become infected by him as it felt normal to her. She was a sick person though, much sicker than she ever believed, and as the man who truly loved her, I struggled to accept her environment because it supported her illness. At the same time, summer presented an unforeseen challenge because of her children, and I had to take the pain like a wounded soldier to reach our hopes, wishes and dreams, these three things you never give up on in life to avoid her children from being infected as well. It was just so hard because I truly missed her, and it felt like she had people around her to keep her from missing me, to keep the veil over her marriage and to keep up the appearance she was well. I trusted she was truthful when she missed me though, and it wasn¡¯t said out of obligation as much as it hurt to imagine herself parading around as Mrs. Caiaphas after the sacrifices I made to be in her life. The dishonesty that defined her marriage bothered me the most however as my personal experience with women who were dishonest with me burned me to feel this way. And even though this scenario was much different from my past, it felt the same at times, but it was my job to find a way to differentiate the two, and to somehow bring her under the light of the truth.
The next day Anya did something she had not done since we started dating; she visited her parents. Even though I always hoped and loved to hear from her whenever I visited my mother, she visited her parents less often than I did, so I didn¡¯t expect to hear from her at all. She did send me a few texts during her stay though, and even sent me an ¡°I love you forever¡± text, but I kept my responses short because I wanted to respect her parents rare time with her. I knew Anya¡¯s mother was told of Jackson¡¯s infidelities, but I also knew she was a Christian woman too. Strange only because Jackson was Jewish, and there seemed to be a difference in an ideal there I found hard to reconcile especially with her knowledge of the great disrespect he had shown for her daughter. I recognized parents generally didn¡¯t want to ever see their children get divorced especially if there were kids involved, but to also spare themselves from the sense of feeling like they failed them in some way, like they were somehow responsible for the divorce. It always broke my heart to think parents thought that way after they only did the best they could in raising them. Life is about choices, and these choices we make usually end up defining us, but without choices, we have no chance at reaching our potential or our destinies. When kids become adults, they are now on their own and all a parent can do is hope they make the right choices in life. In Anya¡¯s case, when their son or daughter¡¯s significant other makes a series of decisions rather than mistakes, then I didn¡¯t understand how Anya¡¯s parents could ever feel they failed her. I believed they could only fail her if they knew the entire story and supported Anya staying in her marriage to tolerate even more emotional and mental abuse.
The days leading up until I¡¯d see Anya again got me champing at the bit every second on the second to know she would be in my line of sight in just four days. Anya text me early on this particular Monday August morning to reveal she felt the same way I did about Friday. I asked her how her parents were and she told me they were well as she stayed with them until past ten the night prior. When I got home from work, I decided to go visit my mother again. She had her hand surgery that morning so I wanted to see how everything went. Before I stepped inside her room, I had a vision of her in bed, instead I found her vacuuming the room in her faded pink pajamas.
¡°Mom.¡± I said sternly. ¡°What do you think you¡¯re doing?¡±
¡°Huh?¡± she asked as she leaned and looked in my direction with a glassy look in her eyes while the vacuum roared.
¡°You just had hand surgery this morning.¡± I said as I pointed at her heavily bandaged free hand.
¡°Wha?????¡± she asked again as she finally and reluctantly turned off the vacuum.
¡°Why are you vacuuming?¡± I asked. ¡°You had hand surgery today!¡±
¡°I¡¯m fine.¡± she said nearly out of breath. ¡°I have another hand.¡±
¡°Mom, you should be relaxing and taking it easy, not vacuuming an already spotless room.¡±
¡°Well, I have two other rooms I have to do too. So it¡¯s not just this one.¡±
¡°Mom, lay down. Please relax. Watch I don¡¯t know¡¡± Sleepless in Seattle¡± for the trillionth time or something. No wait. The Olympics are on! I know you enjoy watching them. Let me turn them on for you. I know what channel they¡¯re on. I¡¯ll get the rest of the house.¡± I said, trying to seize the vacuum from her.
¡°No, Landy. No. I want to do it!" She countered. "I¡¯m fine.¡±
¡°I can¡¯t let you do this while I¡¯m here.¡±
¡°Landyn. I am fine. Okay? I am fine.¡± she blared. ¡°I want to do this.¡±
¡°Are you sure you¡¯re okay?¡±
¡°Positive. Now get out of my way.¡± she said before firing up the gray Hoover again.
As I resigned myself to her passionate persistence, I realized how much joy cleaning her own house brought her. I guess it made her feel like a mother again, when I used to depend on her for it. Or maybe it just took her mind off the things that troubled her or better yet, something that made her feel normal again, like being with Anya did for me. Vacuuming. Dusting. Polishing. Those were the things my mother enjoyed to do, and I guess she needed to feel like she wasn¡¯t falling apart and able to still do these things, if not for others, at least for herself; her own form of self-expression. When this entered into my consciousness, it¡¯s the only reason why I let her continue.
Just as I got into my car to head back home from my visit under the late evening sun as it began its descent into tomorrow, my phone began to vibrate.
7:04 p.m.
¡°Hi baby! Quick question. Do you like peanut butter?¡±
ME: ¡°I like it but mostly with other things like jelly or chocolate. Do u like it?¡±
ANYA: ¡°I do! I¡¯ve been getting this thing called ¡°Chunky Strawberry¡± at Jamba Juice every day! I got one earlier and thought about you. Don¡¯t know why!¡±
ME: ¡°I think a lot about things we have in common and how much fun it would be to do them together one day. Maybe we can meet there instead of having tea next time?¡±
ANYA: ¡°Yes! I want you to try it! What r u up to?¡±
ME: ¡°I¡¯m at my Mom¡¯s. She had her surgery this morning. What r u up to?¡±
ANYA: ¡°I¡¯m hanging out w/Carolyn. She says hi! Say hi to mom for me!!! JK!¡±
ME: ¡°Haha! Hi Carolyn! Oh, I¡¯ll let my mom know you said hello!¡±
ANYA: ¡°I love it!! I bet your mom is an amazing woman. She raised the most wonderful man I know. I miss u!¡±
ME: ¡°Miss you too!¡±
Next to marrying Anya, the second biggest thrill of my life was to introduce her to my mother; another reason I pushed Anya at times subconsciously. I really wanted my mother to meet this wonderful woman who made her son appreciate life again, who made him believe in all the things he ever wanted to believe in. All the things everyone should believe in. The very reason behind his smile. The reason it never mattered if the sky above him was blue or gray. The woman who gave him hope, and put happiness and faith in the goodness of this life back into his own. I could tell my mom adored Anya from afar because she saw firsthand the difference in me since I met her as I remembered all the times she defended her, so much so it felt like she protected her like she was her own daughter, just as disturbed by her husband¡¯s transgressions as Anya was. I wanted to tell Anya she could say hi to my mom. That I could even put her on the phone with her and they could have a good fun conversation; even a heart to heart because my mom felt like she knew Anya, and I¡¯d bet my last dollar she could even keep their conversation confidential even away from her own son. My mom believed in the girl code of conduct and I think most women did after they bonded. At the same time, I feared it wasn¡¯t proper to do as it might make her feel bad because of the circumstances so I held off, but her words ¡°say hi to mom for me¡± were just as meaningful as whenever she told me ¡°I love you forever¡±.
The next day was an unusually quiet day from her, but to know I¡¯d see her in just a few days gave me the strength to not let her silence bum me out. Later that evening though she text to let me know she was still working. It appeared Jackson was losing a major tenant in one of his office buildings, a long time high profile tenant who wasn¡¯t happy with the terms of their new lease agreement. Anya informed me they had negotiated all morning and into the evening going back and forth, and were still unable to resolve the issue. I text her later that evening to see how things were going, as I hated to see hard working business minded people lose a client they tried desperately to save especially when it put clothes on the backs of her children.
8:54 p.m.
¡°Had a shitty day. Big tenant account gone sideways. It¡¯s a bum deal. I just don¡¯t know how to save it anymore. The team really tried. Goodnight. Have a late meeting.¡±
ME: ¡°I¡¯m sorry to hear that babe. Take care of yourself over there. You did the best you could. Who knows. This might be an opportunity for a better tenant. Goodnight.¡±
Anya coordinated events between prospective and current tenants, and I understood she had to be in that meeting to help find a way to get someone else to rent a space in that particular office building as soon as possible. After all, time was money. I guess if I was her boss, who also happened to be her husband, I¡¯d tell her to rest up and to let¡¯s try again in the morning, especially if I held the knowledge she was the one who handled the kid duties too. I had to admit at this point, I disliked the fact she worked for him not only because it represented an extension of the fa?ade as it lent legitimacy to a lie, but more so now because of all the stress it caused her as I feared it would shorten her life.
When the morning came I reached out to see how her night went.
8:00 p.m.
¡°Good morning baby! I¡¯m ok, thanks. Just got beat up yesterday. Meeting this morning we¡¯ll see what happens. Didn¡¯t sleep well. Staying positive. Excited to see u!¡±
ME: ¡°Sorry to hear that. I can¡¯t wait to see u too! I miss you!¡±
ANYA: ¡°I miss u too! Do you realize Friday would be 3 weeks since our last meeting, the night we met at Maestros and Sat would be 4 weeks since we last kissed?¡±
ME: ¡°I sure do. Hard to believe.¡±
I always knew the days in between our meetings. Love wouldn¡¯t allow me to not know how many weeks and days had passed since, but when Anya knew it too, and she didn¡¯t even keep a journal, it allowed me to trust in her love even more and encouraged me to fall even harder.
Anya sent a text later that afternoon to let me know she was thinking of me and to also let me know she had an evening meeting at Temple for her daughter¡¯s upcoming Bat Mitzvah. I then decided for the third time this particular week to again visit with my mom to check up on her. After I hung out with her for a few hours as I caught a couple episodes each of ¡°The Golden Girls¡± and ¡°Everybody Loves Raymond.¡±, just as I was just getting ready to get in my car for the long drive home, Anya sent me a text.
8:40 p.m.
¡°Hi! Still with your mom? How is she?¡±
ME: ¡°Hi babe! I literally just left the house. She¡¯s doing good, thanks for asking.¡±
ANYA: ¡°I¡¯m glad she¡¯s okay. Just finished w/temple. Just wanted to tell you about my conversation with Carolyn this morning. We talked about girl drama and u. She asked about u.¡±
I found it bizarre she wanted to tell me about a conversation with Carolyn. I figured to be the topic of many casual conversations before so it worried me this might contain something to leave me with an uneasy stomach and negative thoughts right before bedtime.
ME: ¡°What did you guys talk about?¡±
ANYA: ¡°I told her that I¡¯m jaded. I don¡¯t get sucked into petty and trivial matters anymore w/the girls because I¡¯ve experienced goodness in its purest form, our love.¡±
You might be reading a pirated copy. Look for the official release to support the author.
ME: ¡°Not that I want you to feel jaded at all, but it makes me happy to know you can look at things differently now with love in your heart. Life¡¯s too short for trivial petty matters anyway.¡±
ANYA: ¡°I will always have that. Anyway, just wanted you to know. U show me every day the beauty of your heart. Home now and better say goodnight. Prayers for your mom. I love you.¡±
¡°I¡¯ve experienced goodness in its purest form, our love¡±, as that truth alone validated all I ever fought for her to have. Our relationship, our love, was no mistake as goodness trumped evil; something I believed everyone should have in their marriages and relationships. These words Anya spoke, Carolyn needed to hear, as I felt Anya wanted me to know she stood up for us. To let Carolyn know there was nothing irrational about our love regardless of the circumstances. I believed in its goodness. Anya believed in it as well, and it was all we needed to believe in to destroy the darkness of misconception so we could cross into the light of all that was certain.
The following day, a Thursday, one day removed from our first meeting at my apartment in a month, I called in sick as all I could do though was focus on Anya¡¯s visits as Friday felt like the start of a holiday weekend for me, and I wanted to start it early. I just couldn¡¯t wait to have her in my arms again. To gaze into her eyes. To kiss her soft lips. To feel her face against mine. To breathe her in. I just couldn¡¯t let work get in the way of my reason for being, and I had to make sure this all went right. I had to upkeep my place to look more immaculate than any of her prior visits. She simply needed to feel the very second she walked through my door how much I missed her as I needed everything to be perfect to make sure we were back together. Not work nor money, but Anya¡¯s love was the only thing in life that brought me true happiness. I had to make sure I anchored my heart deep into her soul because if I lost her, I risked losing everything I¡¯ve worked for as it became more apparent with each passing day that when we were together, it kept me together in every facet of my life.
As these realizations went through my mind, Anya sent me a text that drove them even further home.
10:06 a.m.
¡°One more day! Nervous.¡±
ME: ¡°One more day! It feels like I haven¡¯t seen you in over a year! Why nervous, babe?¡±
ANYA: ¡°It does babe. I guess b/c we¡¯re ¡°broken up¡± and I have strong feelings for you. What if things feel different when we see each other?¡±
ME: ¡°Feel different? How so babe? I don¡¯t feel like we ever really broke up because we both still love each other. You¡¯re the only one in my heart.¡±
ANYA: ¡°You¡¯re the only one in my heart too. I don¡¯t know what to think about our ¡°status¡±. U have a point though, in my head we¡¯re not together because I did what I did.¡±
ME: ¡°I know why you did what you did, sweetheart. I know you love me. I¡¯m not upset at you for what you did. I understand. Please don¡¯t worry about our ¡°status¡±. I think it will take care of itself. Let¡¯s see what happens first. No pressure, babe.¡±
ANYA: ¡°K. Although I¡¯m nervous, I¡¯m still excited to see you.¡±
After I received this text from her, I suddenly began to feel nervous about her visit also, a vicious circle. My past always loved to weigh in on texts like this one as I felt a hesitance or reluctance in her visit. Did she think her feelings would change for me when she saw me? Why would she be nervous around the man she loved forever? Unfortunately, I couldn¡¯t hold back my fear as these questions derailed me enough to need to know if they had any validity before her visit.
ME: ¡°Do you feel differently about me? Is that why you¡¯re nervous about tomorrow? Do you think you will fall out of love when you see me?¡±
ANYA: ¡°No, I guess that¡¯s why I¡¯m a little nervous. I¡¯m still madly in love with you.¡±
Even though I felt a little better, I still didn¡¯t know what to think about her texts. I believed her words, but I began to sense they came with apprehension, as if the possibility existed she would cancel her visits and it bummed me out. I then climbed into bed and could not find a way out of it for the life of me as I feared the worst. Later that evening she text me again in an un-Anya like manner and it put me further back on my heels.
9:44 p.m.
¡°ok. I¡¯ll c u at your place tom.¡±
ME: ¡°Ok. I¡¯ll c u here tomorrow at five.¡±
I found her text strange as again the nuance of a lowercase ¡°ok¡± led to my mind¡¯s over analysis. I just didn¡¯t sense any real enthusiasm from her, like she led me to believe days ago which got me feeling optimistic, as it seemed nervousness and apprehension stole her usual excitement and desire. She then sent me another text that awoke my past even further.
10:07 p.m.
¡°Do u really want me to come over?¡±
If a single text message could drop one¡¯s heart into its stomach, this was the one text, and after a month long wait I couldn¡¯t take her nervous reluctance another minute.
ME: ¡°Why would you ask me that? You know how I feel about you. Is there something I should know?¡±
ANYA: ¡°Idk. I trust you.¡±
ME: ¡°Babe, have I ever given you a reason not to trust me?¡±
ANYA: ¡°Never. I love you.¡±
ME: ¡°I love you too. R u really ok?¡±
ANYA: ¡°Yes, I¡¯m ok babe. I¡¯ll c u tomorrow around 5. I¡¯ll text u when I get there. I love you.¡±
ME: ¡°Nothing to be nervous about babe. I promise. I love you too. See you tomorrow.¡±
It then dawned on me her nervousness might had centered on the fear of any serious talk between us. I understood now wasn¡¯t the time for her to leave as she wasn¡¯t ready to talk to her kids, however I did feel at the very least our status should change if she visited. My understanding from the very beginning, the only reason I gave this relationship a chance, was because our relationship only and solely existed for us to be together. That she would leave him if she fell in love with me, and the only reason she was still there was because she had no one. If she visited me, I felt it would be an act from a woman who believed in and stayed consistent with all she promised and communicated to me before we began. At any rate, we needed to talk over things when she arrived the following evening so I could better understand her nervousness without further guesswork on my part. I knew it was an issue we couldn¡¯t simply dodge, but I also felt the density of the topic could definitely be lightened.
When Friday did arrive, I could still feel her disinclination.
8:00 a.m.
¡°Good morning! Still on for tonight?¡±
ME: ¡°Of course babe. Nothing to be nervous about. Ok?¡±
ANYA: ¡°Ok. I love you.¡±
Her ¡°I love you¡± was all I needed to hear. As thoughts of a more positive nature began to circulate and surface, I somehow convinced myself her averseness could also be related to the fear my feelings changed over our time apart; something my past of low self-esteem never considered. I had to remember this woman had been betrayed badly, so much so she found herself in my arms not by accident. I had to realize all because I feared her feelings could change for me, it was equally frightening for her if mine suddenly changed too. I needed to realize her own past didn¡¯t afford her the luxury of having much trust in men. For all I knew she may have thought I lied about the way I felt regarding the way she broke up with me, and she thought I planned to let her have it when she arrived, to hurt her the way she had hurt me, but I didn¡¯t feel that way at all. I truly believed she broke up with me because she cared about me, but based on the men she had known and their false promises, I was held to a higher standard in the same fashion I held Anya to an elite standard because of my past as it encapsulated our struggle in a nutshell as two people who subconsciously held on to a fear of loss because we were hurt by others we trusted never to hurt us.
After all my talk about telling Anya not to be nervous it made me cognizant of one more thing; I should have taken my own advice. As the time wound down nearer to when I would behold her beautiful face in my eyes once again, I began to feel afraid. Afraid her feelings would change when she saw me, that my magic could disappear. I knew from the very first night our eyes met Anya could be the love of my life, and from the day we began to seriously see each other, I went from no longer believing but knowing that; the truest sense of consciousness in my entire life. People would argue it was the excitement of dating someone who was married that heightened the love between us, that the inability to see each other when we wanted to made us miss each other more than we really did, however I knew without a doubt this theory was false. I found absolutely no extra excitement being a part of a relationship in which I missed someone so desperately and terribly. My love for Anya represented the greatest feeling I ever felt for anyone as she showed me day in and day out I never knew what love was up until the day I fell for her. The risk of losing that alone scared me more than death itself, another reason why I had such a hard time with our physical break away from each other.
My anxious energy picked up as the smaller clock hand passed four and when I received her ¡°here¡± text at four fifty-nine, I began to talk to myself in front of my bathroom mirror. It all felt like a dream as I had to see my own reflection just to ascertain I still existed as the woman I loved more than life itself was right outside my gate again, waiting for me. I didn¡¯t know how she would react when she saw me and subsequently how I¡¯d react, but I wore the same black shirt the night we first met at Sonomas almost fifteen months ago to let her know where my mind was if she remembered she liked the way I looked in black. When I reached and then opened the gate, full of anxiety, I quickly saw our mind was in the same place as she wore my favorite blouse, the one she wore in Laguna Beach. As soon as the gate swung open and even before it closed behind her, she came into my arms slowly with a nervous smile, and as the sound of the gate broke the silence we held each other for a moment to dissolve the nervousness and to embrace our triumph. When we broke away she then snatched my hand up in hers before I could do the same, and we walked to our sanctuary with hearts in obvious tandem, hand in hand once again, skin against my own I feared I¡¯d never feel again.
When we got inside she put her purse on the kitchen counter while I locked the door, a usual routine that felt so long ago the last time we performed it. After our brief tasks were finished, she came into my arms again as I tasted her lipstick for the first time in a month. Anya looked as beautiful as anytime I had ever seen her, and when we broke from a kiss I wished could have lasted forever, I complimented her beauty numerous times as I aimed for her face to be permanently blushed. I then complimented her perfume, a scent I missed so much about her. She then complimented me on my appearance and also my black shirt, one she recognized from the first night we met at Sonomas. As badly as I wanted to pick her up and lay her upon my bed, I knew she couldn¡¯t stay long so I decided to save it for when she returned again in less than twelve hours. She then turned around to reach inside her purse and pulled out a CD for me, and when I noticed through its clear case it had a pink heart and an exclamation point upon it, I had to fight back the tears.
¡°Thank you.¡± I said. ¡°Very thoughtful of you.¡±
¡°Listen to the last song on the CD. I love it! He can sing anything!¡± she exclaimed.
¡°Who can sing anything? What¡¯s the name of the song?¡±
¡°Damien Rice!¡± she announced excitedly as her eyes jumped into mine. ¡°The name of the song is ¡°The Blower¡¯s Daughter.¡± I like the way he sings it. It¡¯s gut wrenching.¡±
¡°I will definitely listen to it babe. Very thoughtful of you to burn a CD for me. It means more than you know.¡±
¡°You¡¯re the most thoughtful, most grateful man I know.¡± she said as she seemed genuinely surprised by my sentiments. ¡°Don¡¯t ever change babe.¡±
¡°I don¡¯t think I could if I tried.¡± I said as she came into my arms.
¡°I forgot to ask you.¡± she said as she looked up at me.
¡°What is it?¡± I asked with a nervous reluctance.
¡°Do you like your peanut butter chunky or smooth?¡±
¡°I don¡¯t know!¡± I laughed in relief. ¡°I guess I prefer it chunky. Is this another one of your tests?¡±
¡°No!¡± she responded as she smiled widely. ¡°Just one more thing I know about you.¡±
¡°Are you still nervous?¡± I asked.
¡°I am. Are you?¡±
¡°Not anymore.¡± I said as I softly kissed her lips.
¡°Please don¡¯t take this lightly, babe.¡± she said as she held her lips against mine.
¡°I think you know I¡¯ve never taken us lightly.¡± I said. ¡°You know how I feel.¡±
¡°I know. I¡¯m just...¡± she said softly. ¡°I¡¯m just really struggling, babe.¡±
¡°I know you are, Sweetheart. I know.¡± I said as I hugged her then kissed the top of her head as she laid it against my chest. ¡°But love always catches the ones who fall and I promise I¡¯m always going to catch you, Beautiful; Every time.¡±
¡°Thank you. I love you forever.¡± she said as her lips searched for then met up into mine.
¡°I love you forever.¡±
¡°I moved Katie¡¯s Bat Mitzvah to September thirteenth.¡± she informed me.
¡°How come? When¡¯s her birthday?¡±
¡°She just turned thirteen ten days ago; August twelfth.¡± she said. ¡°Losing that major tenant pushed her bar mitzvah back though because we spent almost a month trying to save it.¡±
¡°I¡¯m sorry to hear that. I hope Katie had a happy birthday.¡± I said as I secretly wished I knew her well enough to have gotten her a gift.
She then began to kiss me again but this time more intensely, and we both couldn¡¯t stop tasting each other as if our lips were each a glass of wine after the most stress filled day. After I heard her tenderly moan she then pulled herself away to only look up breathlessly into my eyes.
¡°What are you thinking?¡± I asked as I became lost in them.
¡°I¡¯m thinking about our status.¡± she said.
¡°And?¡± I asked as hope and fear filled my heart.
¡°I¡¯m thinking we¡¯re back together.¡±
¡°If you say so.¡± I said as she met my smile and then my lips one last time.
I further capitulated why she told me I shouldn¡¯t take this lightly; she simply wanted to be with me. She needed to know I wasn¡¯t taking her heart lightly like her husband did, and that I wouldn¡¯t allow her to become emotional around her children if she came back to me. With the kids going back to school in two weeks, I felt confident we would be fine so if I did have a hiccup, we could discuss it when the kids were in school; not when they were around her at the house. I felt awful I put her through all I did, but I didn¡¯t realize Anya¡¯s struggle as I became engrossed in my own struggle and my pained past that loved to grab me by the throat to let me know it was still around. Much like a large cancerous tumor you could try to ignore but would only continue to grow if left unrecognized. A wound Anya¡¯s love covered up when we were together, but when apart left it gaping.
As her time with me came to an end, she reached back inside her purse and handed me two small bottles of perfume.
¡°Your perfume?¡±
¡°Yes, it¡¯s called Kai.¡± she said. ¡°I don¡¯t want you to forget me.¡±
¡°That¡¯s impossible, Sweetheart.¡± I said as I brought one of the bottles to my nose. ¡°You¡¯re embedded in my heart forever.¡±
¡°Well, if you ever miss me you can quickly recall what I smell like.¡±
¡°Then it looks like Kai and I will be hanging out quite a bit.¡± I said. ¡°Thanks babe. I¡¯ll put them on the dresser next to my cologne. It¡¯ll look like you¡¯re living with me. How¡¯s that?¡±
¡°I love it!¡± she said as a huge smile brightened her face.
I found Anya¡¯s gesture kind and even sad when I considered she probably feared if things got difficult I would choose to bring another woman in my life and leave her behind, like her husband did. When I told Anya ¡°I love you¡± though, I meant it as she was the only one for me regardless if or not she wore a ring from me on her finger. Her husband¡¯s love was an apparition compared to mine, and I wanted her to know, once I love someone this deeply there could never be someone else even when things got difficult; my heart always on board the train of loyalty as it rode upon the tracks of forever. For Anya and for most women this wasn¡¯t normal. This was bizarre. This was scary. But this was me. Who I always was. Who I would always be. There was no need to leave perfume and bras at my place, I already knew I belonged to her, and was unavailable, but at the same time I understood that was hard to believe in based on her past as I felt her trust should be earned not simply given to me anyway.
We never moved an inch away from the front of my kitchen and living room that evening. All we did was lean on our love for each other as our status officially changed in her mind but essentially remained the same. Whatever made Anya feel most comfortable was important for me to do, no matter how much it hurt at times. When I walked her out, I recalled the stark contrast between her last exit from my apartment as this time happiness replaced disbelief; a joy that burst through my heart to know she¡¯d be back again in less than twelve hours.
When she made it home, she sent me a text.
9:13 p.m.
¡°Thank u! I had a great time! Thank u for making me feel comfortable. I do trust u. Out to dinner w/the kids. Can¡¯t wait till 4:45! I love u forever!¡±
After I responded to her text, the adrenaline flowed through me so much I didn¡¯t feel like going to bed. I then feared what if I fell asleep right before she arrived in the early morning, and I missed her text? What if all this excitement turned into the greatest sorrow because I didn¡¯t get up in time to meet her at the gate? What if she never talked to me again? As the pressure mounted to find a way to fall asleep, I decided to grab the CD she burned for me to listen to the song she asked me to in an effort to subdue my mind. When I did, my ears were greeted with the sound of a soft gentle guitar strum in between silence and the sullen pained voice of Damien Rice as I listened carefully and peacefully to the song¡¯s lyrics.
¡°I can¡¯t take my eyes off of you.
I can¡¯t take my eyes off you.
I can¡¯t take my eyes off of you.
I can¡¯t take my eyes off you.
I can¡¯t take my eyes off you.
I can¡¯t take my eyes.¡±
The simple lyrics sung over and over strangled my gut; sung with a different variation of emotion as each verse told of its own sorrow. It also gave me a glimpse inside of Anya, the very reason why she wanted me to listen to it. And when the verse changed from ¡°I can¡¯t take my eyes off of you¡± to ¡°I can¡¯t take my mind off of you.¡± at the end of the song, it moved me to tears. The songs she burned for me always found a way to touch my soul as they also brought to light her struggle, and I was thankful she could find a way to touch me with her music; to help me understand her better. It also left me with a feeling of helplessness though, wanting to do so much more for her; to even save her from herself, but bound by the situation with her children from doing so.
After I listened to ¡°The Blower¡¯s Daughter¡± a few more times to feel close to her, with my phone close to my heart as I laid it upon my chest, I somehow fell fast asleep, and when I woke, it was only by the chance sensation of a vibrating phone miraculously still near my heart.
4:49 a.m.
¡°Here¡±
Out of all the ¡°here¡¯ texts I ever received from her, this one was the most special because it came at an hour most unusual after our time apart. I couldn¡¯t remember the last time I had been up before five in the morning, if I ever really have before, but for me to jump out of bed at such a ghastly godforsaken hour without a second¡¯s hesitation just for the chance to see her, love had to be the culprit as I felt more awake before five a.m. than I did at five p.m., or any other hour during the day for that matter.
When I opened the gate to let her in, she quickly said ¡°hi¡± as she strode swiftly by me upon her entry. For the first time in my presence she had her hair in a ponytail as it exposed a thin healthy neck and a beautifully rounded face. I held in my laughter as I tried to keep up with her as she strode slightly ahead and looked back at me intermittently with a smile on her face while her pony tail lively bounced and swung back and forth behind her.
¡°Sweetheart, do you know where you¡¯re going?¡± I asked. ¡°It¡¯s pretty dark.¡±
¡°Yes, babe.¡± she said quietly as she looked back. ¡°Please try to keep up because I want to spend as much time with you as possible.¡±
¡°I¡¯ll do my best.¡±
Out of all the walks we took to my apartment together, this one was the most memorable for me because of its spontaneous natural feel, and her tired yet joyous demeanor as she showed me a different side to her. A side I never knew existed and I loved her for it because it showed me how comfortable and how safe she felt with me, and even though it was pitch black outside, she knew where my place was, and I could see her perfectly.
When we got inside, we wasted zero time after we quickly removed our clothing and climbed into my warm cozy bed from opposite sides. We then met in the middle of my bed and fell into each other¡¯s arms as our bare skin touched for the first time in a month. As we held each other tightly in the darkness of my room, she kissed me sweetly and said ¡°goodnight¡± as she nestled herself upon my chest. To experience a feeling so beautiful made me realize for the first time what a precious gift life truly was however this gift also reminded me not only how many mornings I¡¯ve missed like this, but how much I¡¯ve missed out on in life waiting for someone like Anya to come into it. After an hour passed, I woke up completely unaware where I was, lost in my own familiar surroundings as it felt like she wasn¡¯t still there, but when I saw her fast asleep in my arms as if she somehow melted inside me, I now knew we were truly one person.
I watched her quietly in an effort to savor every second of this moment, lost in her complete sense of peace as she laid comfortably upon my chest, a harmony I wanted her so desperately to have every day. Fifteen minutes later, she began to stir as she buried her head deeper into my chest but I didn¡¯t want to wake her because I enjoyed her sense of comfort after a month away from the safety she felt with me. I knew the toll her life took on her every day and I didn¡¯t want to disrupt the peace she found in my arms. When I felt confident she had awoken, I kissed her gently on her head and whispered ¡°good morning¡± into her ear.
¡°Good morning.¡± she said as she peered up at me with a smile. ¡°I¡¯ve never felt so happy. What time is it babe?¡±
¡°It¡¯s about six thirty.¡± I informed her. ¡°This honestly feels like waking up from the best dream ever and finding out it wasn¡¯t a dream at all.¡±
¡°Totally, babe.¡± she said. ¡°I imagine this is what heaven must feel like.¡±
¡°If there is one it must because I don¡¯t know how it could possibly be any better.¡±
¡°I was thinking about more titles for our story.¡± she told me as she began to kiss my chest.
¡°Really? What did you come up with?¡±
¡°Your book would be a memoir, right?¡±
¡°Yes, I would write it in memoir form if I did.¡±
¡°Ok, here¡¯s a couple of titles that would grab a woman.¡± she said. ¡°This I Promise.¡± Or ¡°This I Know.¡± A memoir from a man. ¡°This I Know¡± is from my saved texts.¡±
¡°Those are both beautiful titles.¡± I said as I kissed her lips, truly touched by the thought she put into them. ¡°I love them both.¡±
¡°You might change them up a bit but I do know more women are in book clubs than men.¡± she said. ¡°I¡¯m just here to support you. You¡¯ll do great whatever title you¡¯d decide to choose.¡±
¡°Very sweet of you to think of a couple for me. I think they¡¯re perfect.¡± I said. ¡°Maybe you can help promote my book? Give an introduction speech for me at bookstores if I go on a book signing tour. I suck at public speaking. I¡¯d be afraid to talk about it. Are you any good?¡±
¡°I don¡¯t believe you suck at public speaking. I¡¯m ok. I don¡¯t speak without preparing.¡± she told me. ¡°I don¡¯t do impromptu speaking so don¡¯t ever ask me to speak if I¡¯m not prepared!¡±
¡°Ok, you got it.¡± I said as I chuckled. ¡°I¡¯ll be sure to check your name off my impromptu speech giving list.¡±
¡°You could always write one for me babe!¡±
¡°There you see. It works out for both of us then. A win-win.¡±
¡°I love to read.¡± she told me.
¡°So do I.¡±
¡°Would love to read a book with you one day. Would you read one with me?¡±
¡°How about we form our own book club?¡±
¡°I love you.¡± she giggled as she buried her face in my neck to kiss it.
¡°I love you too.¡± I said as I felt her lips move along my body to more sensitive areas.
As she continued to kiss my body, I took my left arm and cradled her in it as I brought her beneath me. I then began to kiss her neck and worked my way slowly down to her breasts as she softly moaned. I then brought my lips back up to meet hers and I lifted her body slightly off the bed in both arms and tightly against mine. With her eyes in mine she then guided me inside her as we returned to the feeling of being one. As we made love, much like the Damien Rice song she burned for me, she told me ¡°I love you so much¡±, as each time it was said had its own slight yet distinct variation of emotion, the greatest show of love I had ever felt from her. The more we consummated our love the more I believed we seized the sun from the sky as we both internally wished against the sunrise so this morning could last forever. When we finished with our glorious declaration of love for each other, she came into my arms and we both fell asleep once more.
The time crept near eight when we awoke and the sunlight began to sneak under the closed blinds of my bedroom window as we both dreaded ever having to get out of bed again. This time though, she was the first to consciousness as I only awoke with her lips on mine. In somewhat of a dazed state, all I could do was look at the dream before me, astonished by all I felt and the purest elation I ever got to feel because she loved me enough to bless me with the greatest morning of my life.
¡°We need to do this more often.¡± she said. ¡°I could get so used to this.¡±
¡°I couldn¡¯t agree with you more.¡±
¡°What your middle name, babe?¡±
¡°Ummm¡I know I¡¯ve let you see me naked inside and out, but I don¡¯t know if I¡¯m ready to go full Monty yet.¡±
¡°Oh come on, Babe!¡± she pleaded. ¡°Please tell me. What is it?¡±
¡°Ok, it¡¯s Joseph.¡±
¡°Landyn Joseph?¡±
¡°Yep. That¡¯s it.¡± I said. ¡°Or Landy Joe; like my mom calls me at times.¡±
¡°I love it!¡± she laughed.
¡°I¡¯m glad one of us does.¡± I said. ¡°I think my mom named me after some guy in the Bible. Not sure what role he played or why she even chose it.¡±
My mother named me Joseph, after the bible¡¯s Joseph. She told me the story years ago of my middle name sake, a story I shunned that had very little meaning to me, but later I would come to realize the parallels that existed between him and I even as we were separated by centuries. At this particular moment though, I forgot about the details of the tale of Joseph because my mother shared it with me over twenty years prior so I never got a chance to share it with Anya.
¡°If I may ask. What¡¯s your middle name?¡±
¡°Lea.¡± she said proudly.
¡°Anya Lea. Very cute name babe.¡± I said as I kissed her on her forehead. ¡°I think it fits you beautifully.¡±
¡°Thank you.¡±
¡°Babe, do you remember when you told me you told Carolyn you were jaded and you don¡¯t get caught up in ¡°petty stuff¡± anymore?¡±
¡°Yes. Why do you ask?¡±
¡°I was wondering what is it you guys squabble over? Is it over material things?¡±
¡°Not at all. Over stupid things.¡± she said. ¡°One girl didn¡¯t get invited to a happy hour so she got nasty and started rumors. She then had a happy hour and did the same.¡±
¡°Yeah, that is pretty petty.¡± I said. ¡°I was just curious.¡±
¡°When the ugly comes out of these beautiful girls. I just tune them out. I think about you and what a nice person you are, and what goes on around me doesn¡¯t matter. You¡¯ve changed me.¡±
¡°Thank you. You¡¯ve changed me too.¡± I said. ¡°I definitely don¡¯t look at life the same way. You¡¯ve helped me see the beauty in it again. Things that used to bother me just don¡¯t anymore. I¡¯m aloof.¡±
¡°I know what you mean, babe. I feel the same way.¡± she said. ¡°Have you ever wondered what the inside of my house looks like?¡±
¡°I must admit I¡¯ve been curious about that.¡± I said. ¡°I try to picture it sometimes, but I have no clue.¡±
¡°Well, it¡¯s minimal. No clutter with earth tones.¡± she said. ¡°In my kitchen I have a twenty-eight foot island. The girls make fun of me about it.¡±
¡°It is pretty funny to imagine you behind a twenty-eight foot island.¡± I chuckled. ¡°You¡¯re so tiny!¡±
¡°I know! They always make fun of me when I¡¯m entertaining from the kitchen and I¡¯m near or behind it.¡±
As much as the visual brought a smile to my face, I didn¡¯t want to know too much. I really didn¡¯t want to know my own kitchen bar counter was barely a fifth of the size, that the island in her kitchen could nearly take up the entire space of my one-bedroom apartment. It was sweet of her to open up that part of her life to me though, and I know she meant no harm by it, but things like that stung only because at times it felt I was competing against it as it was something that kept her there even though she claimed her reason was the kids. Not one time however did she make me feel my place was something she was ashamed of but as a man who longed to take care of her, this schism between the places we called our home was hard to ignore.
¡°Hey babe, I was wondering about something.¡± she said in a serious tone. ¡°I need to know what you think.¡±
¡°What is it?¡± I asked with concern.
¡°I was thinking about cutting my hair.¡± she revealed.
¡°O¡kay.¡± I responded with confusion in my tone. ¡°Sounds to me like you¡¯ve thought it through.¡±
¡°Not really.¡± she said.¡± What I need to know is if you¡¯d be okay with that.¡±
¡°Okay with what?¡±
¡°With me cutting my hair.¡± she said. ¡°I know most guys like girls with long hair.¡±
¡°Of course, babe.¡± I said in shock she¡¯d even ask me for my approval. ¡°It would be nice if you didn¡¯t pull a Sinead O¡¯Connor but I¡¯d still love you. You do what you want babe. You don¡¯t need my opinion. I love you for who you are.¡±
¡°Ha! I was only thinking about cutting it down to my shoulders.¡±
¡°Knock yourself out.¡± I said as her lips flew into mine.
Her question brought me back to Jackson¡¯s ¡°love¡± for her as I could only imagine how it would pull an Houdini if she cut her hair without his blessing especially since he considered trading her in for two twenty years old when she turned forty. After she acknowledged my sincerity with her lips upon mine, she fell on her pillow with her eyes on the ceiling, a smile on her face and her left arm bent at a ninety-degree angle as her barely opened palm faced upward. Her soft dark eyes then searched for mine as her flawless silky black hair no longer in a ponytail was strewn naturally and perfectly across the pillow. This sight I beheld before me, if described as beautiful would be unjust and if I had been Pablo Picasso and had an easel at my disposal, I could have painted a masterpiece. Her stunning exquisiteness made me ache terribly inside to see her every morning as I began to miss her even before she left. I captured her pose within my internal camera as much as I could to remind me how beautiful every morning could be one day as I realized even if I failed to live past another sunrise, I could at least go to my grave knowing I had seen true beauty. I then began to play with her hair and caress her face in an effort to immortalize and feel the beauty of the moment with every sense I had. We then made love again for the second time, as if this morning could be our last together.
After another thirty minutes passed by as if it were thirty seconds, we both knew she would not have enough time to fall asleep with me again on this morning. All we could do was gaze at each other, even as sadness awaited us, and acknowledge we were the only two people on this planet who knew our bond was now truly unbreakable.
¡°What¡¯s your favorite season, babe?¡± she asked me.
¡°I would say Fall.¡± I said. ¡°What¡¯s your favorite season?¡±
¡°Autumn is my favorite season too! It¡¯s the coziest time of the year.¡±
¡°I love falling asleep by the fireplace in the fall. I don¡¯t wait for the winter to light a fire.¡± I elaborated. ¡°It¡¯s just so relaxing.¡±
¡°And romantic.¡±
¡°That too.¡± I said as I smiled. ¡°So are you still nervous?¡±
¡°Not anymore. I¡¯m at peace now.¡±
¡°I¡¯m glad, babe. Why were you so nervous? Did you think my feelings would change?¡±
She didn¡¯t say a word. She just looked at me with her sweet dark eyes and nodded her head.
¡°I know you have a painful history with a man. A man who promised to honor and cherish you. A man no woman should ever have a history of pain with, her husband.¡± I said. ¡°My feelings don¡¯t change like that. It¡¯s why I walked away from you; I knew I could fall in love with you forever. I especially know how I love people and I didn¡¯t want to get hurt because a history of pain is all I¡¯ve ever known too. I¡¯m terribly sorry you were ever hurt by your husband, and like I¡¯ve told you before, I would exchange his faithfulness for our ever meeting each other. Even if it meant I¡¯d never know what your love feels like, I would have rather his infidelities never happened to you. I would have preferred you to have been happy and in love in a faithful marriage with him than me being happy and in love with you. Even if it meant I¡¯d never know in my life what love feels like.¡±
¡°Do you ever regret getting involved with me, babe?¡± she asked.
¡°I don¡¯t know yet.¡± I said.
¡°That¡¯s fair.¡± she said as she looked away from me. ¡°You know, for years I used to ask my husband to please take me to a book store after dinner.¡±
¡°That sounds like a simple request.¡± I said as I prepared myself to hear she had gone to the bookstore many times after dinner with her husband.
¡°We¡¯ve been to a bookstore together two times in twenty-one years.¡± she reflected as her eyes went from looking away and into mine. ¡°I know I¡¯d never have to ask you to take me to a bookstore.¡±
¡°That¡¯s only because I¡¯d be the one begging you to please come with me to the bookstore after dinner.¡± I responded.
She then came into my arms and gently put her lips to mine. A bookstore after dinner; an unpretentious request anyone should have fulfilled in life by their spouse, yet it eluded her but twice in twenty one years. It astonished me to hear such a simple thing Anya wanted to do simply got tossed to the side by him yet he still had the audacity to fight for her after twenty-one years of not truly loving her as if he owned her heart simply because of a piece of paper.
Anya and I made love two times on this morning and honestly I had more in the tank, but her time to leave arrived just as the darkness of my room fully departed and as the intrusion of the new day shone through the crack of my blinds. I found it hard to believe four hours could come and go so quickly as little did I realize when she arrived before the dawn of August twenty-third two thousand and eight I was in store for the greatest morning of my entire life. It now seemed our relationship, one that started almost nine months ago, had only just begun; the reason for tomorrow never more apparent as hope blossomed even as I watched her drive away.
CHAPTER 8 ~ A DISCERNABLE GRAVITY
¡°Take away love and our earth is a tomb.¡±
~ Robert Browning
9:17 a.m.
¡°I had a great time this morning! Thanks again for getting up early! I love you Landyn Joseph!¡±
Adrenaline left me in a haze after the most beautiful morning of my life as I laid in my bed with a wide ranging, far reaching smile on my face. From the very moment she arrived until the very moment she left, it all felt like a dream, but one I actually awakened to. After our physical break apart, I now felt closer to her than at any time during our relationship because I knew our bond was now unbreakable. There was just no way I believed she would allow either of us to experience this moment let alone feel all the emotions it brought us without plans to be together one day.
11:15 a.m.
¡°Are you tired? I¡¯ve been going since I got home. I¡¯m tired and I don¡¯t know why. I didn¡¯t get up much earlier than I normally do.¡±
ME: ¡°I¡¯m tired too, and I haven¡¯t even left my bed! I just want to stay right here all day and think about our morning together.¡±
ANYA: ¡°You¡¯re making me miss you more. I loved waking up with you.¡±
ME: ¡°There¡¯s never been a better feeling in my life than waking up with you in my arms. I wish I could have made time stand still!¡±
ANYA: ¡°I just love you. It was the best! I can¡¯t believe how time flew!¡±
Time is an unfair thing to us all. We get twenty-four distinct hours every day and somehow we think we¡¯re entitled to every one of them, but the next thing you know they¡¯re gone never to be recouped again. Whenever Anya and I were together, time simply didn¡¯t exist because it felt like it disappeared almost at the same time it began as if we were ghosts in the afterlife, but they were hours I felt I never lost and spent the way they were meant to be; never wasted. With every other girl in my life before Anya, time existed at some level as this awareness provided another reason why I knew I had never been truly in love before. Another element of proof we were in heaven.
Later that afternoon Anya decided to take her son, Andrew, to see the play ¡°My Fair Lady¡± in Orange County at a performing arts center by my apartment. Anya told me her son was less than thrilled to go, and I hated to tell her I couldn¡¯t blame him, but she thought if he brought a friend maybe the experience would be fun for him. Later that early evening she text me with the results of her experiment.
5:23 p.m.
¡°Guess what? They enjoyed it! I think I changed them! Can¡¯t stop thinking about this morning. I loved it!¡±
ME: ¡°That¡¯s a heck of a feat to pull off, babe. I¡¯m really happy to hear they enjoyed the show! It was hard to leave my bed today. I miss you very much. Thank you for leaving your bottled scent. Makes me feel like you¡¯re still here in some way.¡±
ANYA: ¡°I left them b/c I didn¡¯t want you to forget me. I¡¯m so torn babe. I just want to repeat what we had over and over. Spent the day w/my kids and u know¡torn.¡±
ME: ¡°After all I¡¯ve shared with you, the best moments of my life, forgetting you is an impossibility. I understand it¡¯s not the right time now, but I truly believe one day this feeling of being ¡°torn¡± will take care of itself. I miss you.¡±
ANYA: ¡°I had the best morning ever. I miss you too. I love you forever. After this morning I know we are truly connected. Just torn.¡±
Her texts left me feeling torn too as I now worried she left her perfume bottles behind because of these ¡°torn¡± feelings she sprung upon me after our morning together. Even though I struggled mightily with this particular emotion, I loved her and felt a big part of loving her was trying to understand her. If I slipped up, not only would I lose her again, but it would leave her in a depressed state around her children as I now felt responsible for her happiness. The problem I had with her being ¡°torn¡± was not the fact she was torn. Anya had every right to her feelings, but they were inconsistent with what I was told in the beginning of our relationship. Not one time did I ever hear she was still there because of her kids, and if I had I would have never fallen for her to avoid all I felt and struggled with now, even for her own sake. It¡¯s a matchup I simply would never win nor would I want to. All she told me was someone left her because she had ¡°baggage¡±, which left me to believe all I had to do was prove to her that another man¡¯s trash was this man¡¯s treasure. And what was there not to love about her kids? They seemed a little ignorant to how money didn¡¯t fall off of trees but all kids were. From what I¡¯ve learned about them through Anya, they both worked hard, did well in school, and stayed out of trouble as I even saw a little of my own ambition in both of them. If Anya told me from the beginning that her kids were the reason she stayed, and not because no one would be there for her if she left, then I¡¯d have to be an absolute fool to pursue a relationship with her, but that¡¯s not what I was told. I simply went into this trusting all she told me; that she would never be torn and never pit her children against me or our love. I felt for her to be ¡°torn¡± after a beautiful morning together she completely arranged, notwithstanding everything else we shared for nearly nine months, was borderline cruel. I even felt suddenly thrusted into the role of ¡°homewrecker¡±, an enemy of her children, if I, her best friend and true love, ever dared to push her to do the right thing even after a fifteen-year history of multiple infidelities in her marriage. What kind of family did she think she had if the foundation existed on lies and how could she walk away from the man she loves, her soulmate, if he challenged her to pay attention to such an obvious truth? I didn¡¯t feel Anya¡¯s act of not telling me about the true reason for being there represented an act of betrayal to her kids. I didn¡¯t believe she betrayed me as well because I know for her to leave that out, she possessed very strong feelings for me, so strong she wanted me to pursue this relationship without more obstacles. The problem I honestly had with her stance was that it simply and solely represented an act of betrayal against herself; a rebellion against her true feelings to create a complete delusion that could only lead to a great tragedy. It was tough for me to see her lie to herself more than anyone, the ultimate symptom of her mental illness caused by Jackson¡¯s emotional abuse, but she gave me these strong feelings for a reason, and now it was my responsibility to make her aware of this as I was too vested in our happiness not to. Not only did I try to save her from a horrific marriage but also from a false image she created of herself or at least one that no longer suited her. I believed her to be a good person, not an evil one who sought to hurt innocent people as I fought for that particular image of her more than anything. She was not the type to bring me into her life this deeply, and allow me to feel so much for her if she thought staying in her marriage was the best thing to do; certain if she thought staying with a philanderer was the best thing even for her kids who she loved dearly, she never would have approached me nor been to my place once let alone the nearly thirty times she had visited with me already. How could any sane person be in love with someone at this point and rationally determine I¡¯m torn enough to stay? I felt at this point it was irrational for her to contemplate staying, but I understood her right to feel torn, and the time wasn¡¯t right for her to leave. I further understood she was in a tough spot because of Jackson¡¯s extreme narcissism as he would fight to wrest the kids away from her, but I also couldn¡¯t deny my competitive side, not one full of ego, but pride in doing the right thing with my ambition to not allow it to happen nor to let her believe it ever could. Lastly, it was also impossible to ignore if I lost Anya, I¡¯d never fall in love anytime soon, if ever again. All I could do at this point was try to be supportive even as my mind waged total war against my heart.
Even though I told myself I¡¯d never again initiate texts between us, I felt after the morning we shared it would be a selfish act on my part.
ME: ¡°I can¡¯t stop thinking about this morning. I miss you.¡±
ANYA: ¡°I miss you too. Seems like it¡¯s getting harder and harder to see each other b/c of how much we miss each other right after. Almost unbearable.¡±
ME: ¡°I agree. I felt more this morning for you than I did in Laguna Beach, and I never believed that morning could ever be topped.¡±
ANYA: ¡°This morning was special. Soulmates. I love you forever.¡±
I couldn¡¯t be more thankful the morning after fell on a Sunday. The freshness of our time together would take focus off my work as I was already behind on most of my jobs. When I woke up the next morning with empty arms I felt lonelier than ever, but fortunately for my estranged heart, she felt the same.
8:29 a.m.
¡°I miss you baby.¡±
ME: ¡°I miss you too. How r u?¡±
ANYA: ¡°I¡¯m fine I guess. What a different morning from yesterday.¡±
ME: ¡°It¡¯s tough to wake up to something that felt so right it makes you wonder, if this is wrong then how could anything ever be right? I don¡¯t know a better way to explain how I¡¯m feeling right now.¡±
ANYA: ¡°I know. I feel the same way. Wow how right it felt. It was the greatest feeling. Hard to go back when you¡¯ve experienced the best. I missed u last nite. My heart aches to be with you. I love you.¡±
Her heart ¡°aches¡± to be with me and its ¡°hard to go back when you¡¯ve experienced the best¡± spoke loudly to my heart as her words captured why I had to fight for her to listen to herself regardless of the feelings of being torn. We had come a long way since we first met almost fifteen months ago as one fine August morning in each other¡¯s arms encapsulated our longing. My rational heart ached to be with her more than ever, and after our beautiful morning together I no longer believed it was a question of ¡°if¡± but ¡°when¡± for Anya and I. Even as I held onto that belief I refused to push her no matter how much it hurt me to continue to live my life as her secret. Maybe she could actually be torn as to when to tell her kids, and not torn whether to stay or not? When I considered this possibility as more consistent after our morning together, I refused to pressure her but at the same time I also couldn¡¯t deny I sought to receive some sort of promise from her. Just something to find a mental balance for me to ward off my low self-esteem issues so I wouldn¡¯t hurt as much knowing one day she would be in my arms every morning. I just couldn¡¯t accept she would ever come this far and allow me to feel so much for nothing. She told me not to take things lightly, but I hoped after our beautiful morning together, she didn¡¯t take things lightly as well because if I wasn¡¯t fully vested in us before, I sure was fully vested now.
My loyalty to Anya over the course of our relationship brought with it an unexpected benefit; it afforded me the chance to save money because I never went out anymore. All I really ever spent money on was gas to visit my parents and my normal manageable bills. Since my personal savings increased upward to thirty-seven thousand dollars, I began to look for a home to buy as my partnership promotion was only nine months away. Bound by the non-disclosure agreement I signed with my firm, it burned me every day to be gagged from telling Anya about it as I believed it would have made her decision a little easier to leave. After the beauty of Saturday morning, I had to make a move to bring her home as I hoped to find a three bedroom, two- bathroom home near her current neighborhood so her kids could stay close to their friends. I decided to spend my Sunday at a few open houses in Tustin, Newport Beach, Westminster, Huntington Beach, and Long Beach to get an idea. Anya then shot me a text after I finished with my last stop.
2:28 p.m.
¡°Just got back from ¡°back to school¡± shopping with the kids. I love office products and getting organized. What r u doing? I miss u.¡±
ME: ¡°I hope you got everything you need! I actually went out looking at homes. I went to open houses in Newport Beach, Tustin, Huntington Beach, Westminster and Long Beach. I miss u too.¡±
ANYA: ¡°Wow! I¡¯ve lived in 3 out of the 5! Tustin, HB & LB. Not interested in Irvine?¡±
ME: ¡°Not really. Too close to work. Makes me feel like I¡¯m at the office.¡±
ANYA: ¡°Oh I c! Sometimes it can take a while to find the perfect one for u and that¡¯s ok. Did you write about yesterday? Stupid question? Home now.¡±
ME: ¡°I definitely wrote about yesterday! It was all I could journal about! It felt so good being one with you again.¡±
ANYA: ¡°I know! I loved it too! Wish we could be one every night!¡±
ME: ¡°Me too. It was a hard day yesterday for me because it felt so good. I missed being one with you.¡±
ANYA: ¡°It was. It felt so natural right? I guess that¡¯s why it was so hard yesterday because we missed it very much. I love you.¡±
ME: ¡°I agree. I love you too.¡±
ANYA: ¡°Did I embarrass u yesterday?¡±
ME: ¡°Embarrass me? How so?¡±
ANYA: ¡°U know I came yesterday don¡¯t you? I get so turned on. I love it when you¡¯re inside of me. I love it b/c it¡¯s you.¡±
For a man who held out for love over many years, her words made up for all the times I thought I meant something to Denise as I learned if I did, I would have heard something like this from her.
ME: ¡°I thought you may have, but I was afraid it would ruin the moment if I asked. I want to know what I¡¯m doing that turns you on the most though. I want you to always feel good, babe. Making love isn¡¯t just about me feeling good.¡±
ANYA: ¡°Ok I will! I thought you knew but wasn¡¯t sure. I didn¡¯t want to say anything cuz I thought it might embarrass you. I always feel really good when I¡¯m with you.¡±
ME: ¡°I wouldn¡¯t have been embarrassed at all. I love you. I want to know what makes you feel really good, and trust me, I think I can make you feel even better!¡±
ANYA: ¡°Ok I need a cold shower now! I love you!¡±
I could tell Anya was really turned on the previous morning, and it instantly turned me on full blast as well. Even though I had limited experience in the bedroom I always felt confident I could please a woman because of the way I paid attention to details, but mostly because of all the feelings I usually carried for them. I felt I had a style all my own since I was such a passionate person in everything I did especially when I loved someone. Affection naturally poured from me as I sought out all pleasure points as I wanted to know the person I loved intimately, to find things only I knew about my soulmate. I mostly held back loving Anya as fully as I wanted to though only because of the situation. I had fantasies I wanted to experience and explore with her, but I couldn¡¯t go there yet, to her dismay, as I held that card to my chest. I reasoned if I gave her everything what would be her incentive to leave? The last thing I wanted to do was turn our love into something mainly physical, so I held back so we could have something to look forward to on our wedding night and many nights after. Loving Anya also took a huge emotional toll on me whenever she left as it became harder than ever not to give her grief when I missed her. I also took a monster risk beyond my character of making love to her without a condom as I utilized the pull out method. It also proved how much Anya trusted and loved me as she guided me inside her most of the time, and even though I wanted badly not to exit because it felt so good, if she got pregnant our love would be even that much harder to explain, especially to two innocent kids, and at that point who could expect them to understand? My goal wasn¡¯t to tarnish her reputation, but to try and set as good an example as possible in this situation of two people who just fell in love for all the right reasons. I also didn¡¯t want her to leave because she was pregnant with my child, but because she wanted to leave for herself, and to ultimately be with me.
Anya wished me goodnight and that was the last time I heard from her on the day following our beautiful morning together. Sunday nights were tough for her to text because of what I believed to be a family night of some kind, but I could be wrong too. At any rate, I thought about Saturday morning and easily fell asleep as the long work week awaited me after the best personal three-day weekend of my life. Early the next morning, Anya let me know I was on her mind.
7:24 a.m.
¡°Good morning! I miss u.¡±
ME: ¡°Good morning! I miss u too. How r u? I don¡¯t know how I¡¯m going to stay focused today with Saturday morning still fresh on my mind.¡±
ANYA: ¡°I¡¯m fine baby. Can¡¯t stop thinking about our morning too. I think we really bonded and that¡¯s what I can¡¯t get out of my head. Can¡¯t believe how strongly I feel.¡±
As much as I felt my feelings for her were stronger than ever after our Saturday morning, Anya text was a harbinger of emotions to come. Even as she spent the day writing her daughter¡¯s Bat Mitzvah speech, and all in a span of just thirty-two minutes, she showed me just how strong her feelings were and how much Saturday morning meant to her.
1:15 p.m.
¡°I hope you¡¯re having a good day. Thinking of you.¡±
1:22 p.m.
¡°Great! Finishing up my speech! I think I have it down now. It wasn¡¯t easy. The thank you and acknowledgement letters were easy compared to my letter to Katie.¡±
1:22 p.m.
¡°I miss youuuuuuuuuuu!¡±
1:31 p.m.
¡°Can¡¯t get Sat out of my mind. I really missed kissing you. I love you too!!!¡±
1:45 p.m.
¡°Forever baby.¡±
1:47 p.m.
¡°I love you forever!¡±
For every text I read, I took each of her sentiments to heart. Her texts told me all I needed to know about where she was the happiest, and it wasn¡¯t with Jackson as they gave me hope and the confidence to believe in us more than ever. To believe it was no longer a matter of ¡°if¡± but ¡°when¡± as I began to anticipate a promise from her to leave him so we could prepare for our future together. I felt Saturday morning was the clincher for us, and all the evidence in the world she needed that we belonged together as her texts told me there were no more tests we needed to pass. All I had to do was build on her beautiful feelings born from a beautiful morning to see where it led us.
The narrative has been taken without authorization; if you see it on Amazon, report the incident.
A little later that evening, she gave me an unprecedented phone call as I quickly answered in anticipation of a long awaited promise I dreamt of for the last nine months.
¡°Hi babe!¡± I answered.
¡°I miss you.¡± she said sweetly.
¡°I miss you like you wouldn¡¯t believe Sweetheart.¡±
¡°I can¡¯t stop thinking about our morning.¡± she said. ¡°It was so perfect.¡±
¡°I still can¡¯t believe you¡¯ve been to the bookstore with him only twice in twenty-one years.¡± I said. ¡°I¡¯d hang out with you anywhere if it made you happy.¡±
¡°Awww babe. You¡¯re just the sweetest. I love you.¡±
¡°I love you too.¡± I said. ¡°I¡¯d do anything to wake up every morning with you in my arms. Nothing has ever felt so right.¡±
¡°It did feel right, but everything we do is going to feel right.¡± she said. ¡°We¡¯re soulmates, babe.¡±
¡°Soulmates, I agree.¡± I said. ¡°That¡¯s the strangest and most beautiful thing about us though; nothing is being forced at all. It just is.¡±
¡°I know! So true! Hey babe, what¡¯s your favorite holiday?¡±
¡°I¡¯d have to say, and this might surprise you because it¡¯s not really a holiday, but it¡¯s Halloween.¡± I announced with reluctance. ¡°I guess mostly because I can hide underneath a costume and pretend to be someone else for a day. What¡¯s your favorite?¡±
¡°It¡¯s mine too! We¡¯re so much alike!¡± she said joyously. ¡°Ur answer doesn¡¯t surprise me! I love Halloween because it marks the beginning of fall. I really enjoy making soups in October. I miss you.¡±
¡°I miss you too. I bet your soups are delicious. I love soup. I¡¯ve actually been on a tomato soup kick lately.¡±
¡°I love tomato soup!¡± she exclaimed excitedly.
The more time we spent on the phone with each other, the more we learned how much we had in common as I still couldn¡¯t believe her husband took her to a bookstore after dinner dates only twice over the last twenty-one years even after she begged him to. How could Jackson have believed he ever truly loved her if he refused to grant such a simple request? I understood even better than before why Anya never returned his ¡°I love you¡± as love was a lot more than a piece of paper that told the world you¡¯re married. It¡¯s also a lot more than putting food on the table and clothes on the backs of your children because I felt as a man, if you were man enough to have kids, you should be man enough to provide for them, and not expect a pat on the back when you did. If Anya and I were married, I would make it a point to go to the bookstore after every dinner to right that wrong for her. In fact, I¡¯d make sure to do anything she wanted to do or go anywhere she wanted to go because if it made her happy then it made me even happier as successful relationships were not about taking, but about giving.
The morning we shared together no doubt brought us closer than ever before as my hope for a promise from her was at an all-time high. She was too good of a person to stay with him now after all we¡¯ve shared as I trusted her more than ever to at least give me a promise she would be with me. I had done everything asked of me and even followed her lead up to this point as she made all the plans to see me over the past weekend without any pressure from me, inspired only by the innate longing we had for each other. I felt convinced she knew what we had was too special not to pursue or to just throw away after so many beautiful moments together. With a promise from her, I felt I could deal with the fa?ade much better because I would then have some certainty about our future. With each text she sent, I could feel the noose tightening on the lies of her marriage as I further sensed the fa?ade¡¯s curtain was about to fall.
8:48 a.m.
¡°Good morning baby! How r u?¡±
ME: ¡°I¡¯m good. How r u Beautiful? I miss you!¡±
ANYA: ¡°I¡¯m good. I¡¯m missing you too!¡±
ME: ¡°Did you sleep well? Do you have Pilates or kickboxing class today?¡±
ANYA: ¡°Yes I did. No class b/c my car wash guy needed to come earlier today. Babe I really miss you. I don¡¯t know how I¡¯m going to get through my days. You¡¯re all I think about.¡±
Anya had a way of making me feel so special and breaking my heart at the same time. This text both warmed me inside and killed me. It made me feel safe to know she missed me so terribly because I¡¯ve never felt so vulnerable for another, but it broke my heart to feel her pain; to know I couldn¡¯t run over there to be her hero and bring her home. Regardless, I felt blessed she could be so open with her feelings for me without any fear or pride as we both could communicate our true feelings to each other without a hint of fear of judgment at any time. And I could have fallen for her based on that quality alone as the days were now harder for me to get through as well because she was all I ever thought about too.
ME: ¡°I don¡¯t know how I lived 36 years without ever knowing you. I feel like I¡¯ve been in love with you at least that long. You¡¯re all I think about too so I¡¯m here for you babe. You¡¯re not alone anymore. I¡¯m in love w/u more than ever.¡±
ANYA: ¡°Thanks for understanding. I¡¯m in love w/u more than ever too. It¡¯s crazy.¡±
Anya was right. It was crazy. It was crazy she still shared the same bed and home with a man she no longer loved or trusted. It was crazy she was still with the man who taught her what love was not, and not with the man who led her to know love. It was crazy she was still with a man who claimed to love her so much he couldn¡¯t honor a simple request to visit a bookstore together after dinner. And the craziest thing of all? She was still with this man after all we shared as I felt that was the only crazy thing about our love at this point.
ME: ¡°I think we¡¯re finding out we have so much in common that it only proves how much we were made for each other, babe.¡±
ANYA: ¡°Yes we do. Yes we were. I love you very much.¡±
I knew she couldn¡¯t leave Jackson now, but I felt a promise was at least in order if everything she felt was true, and with the evidence all stacked up against her, I felt she felt this burden of proof more than ever.
12:44 p.m.
¡°Having a Chunky Strawberry!¡±
ME: ¡°Are you done working for the day? What r u up to?¡±
ANYA: ¡°Yes I am! I left the house! Out shopping w/the kids not worrying about work or Bat Mitzvah crap! You babe?¡±
ME: ¡°Still slaving away here at work! Glad you¡¯re out enjoying yourself, you deserve it! Have fun with the kiddos!¡±
I noticed a subtle difference in the way she communicated to me after our beautiful morning and it led me to feel more like her husband than a boyfriend as my hope increased exponentially each time she sent me a text. I was really happy to hear she was out with her kids and where she wanted to be; with them, not working but shopping. She deserved the down time with them because they weren¡¯t going to be eleven and thirteen forever as it also made me feel better to see her break away from the stress, and to do something for herself. If her high stress ever caused her to fall ill, I would also fall susceptible to a malady because at this point she became the best thing in my life. I simply needed her around, and even more than anyone, her kids needed her around too. In fact, to take it a step further as little did it realize, the world needed her around. I simply couldn¡¯t live on this planet without her now as it would be the equivalent of having a diseased liver with no available donor in sight. As strange as it is to admit this analogy was no exaggeration. My connection with her was so strong I felt that dependent on her.
Later that evening I got a text from her that always shook me.
7:36 p.m.
¡°R u there?¡±
Each time I received a similar text in the past it usually meant some trouble was on the horizon. Was she pregnant? Did Jackson question her? Was she going to run away from me again? These questions ran through my mind like I had just received multiple electric shocks as this particular text had the same exact feel of ones like this before regardless of all the positive vibes our beautiful morning together brought us.
ME: ¡°I¡¯m here babe.¡±
ANYA: ¡°Do I text u too much baby?¡±
ME: ¡°Not at all! I wish you¡¯d text me more!¡±
ANYA: ¡°No way! Really? I bug you all day!¡±
ME: ¡°You never bug me babe! What makes you think that?¡±
ANYA: ¡°Well, the thing is I miss u all the time and I can¡¯t tell if I¡¯m bugging u or not. I just text whenever I get a chance and I lose track of how much I¡¯m texting.¡±
ME: ¡°Please don¡¯t ever feel that way, Sweetheart. I always miss you too so it¡¯s the greatest feeling whenever I hear from you. It means so much to me. In fact, I don¡¯t think you could ever text me enough.¡±
ANYA: ¡°Okay. Good to know. Can I call you?¡±
ME: ¡°Of course!¡±
As my cell phone rang while I sat in my car at the gym I began to get major jitters. Everything was going so well, I just expected the bottom to fall out as my life could not be going this perfectly. Something had to be coming my way to bring me back to reality. As I prepared for the worst and even expected it, I bravely picked up the phone.
¡°Hi. Who is this?¡± I joked in an attempt to ease my nerves as I answered the phone.
¡°Babe! It¡¯s me!¡±
¡°Me? How could it be me when I just answered the phone? Me who?¡±
¡°No. Well¡yes. It¡¯s me, Anya babe!¡±
¡°Oh, hi babe!¡± I caved.
¡°What the heck is going on! Are you okay over there?¡±
¡°Just happy to hear from you, sweetheart! Thanks for humoring me! What¡¯s going on? I miss you!¡±
¡°I miss you too.¡± she spoke softly. ¡°I have something I wanted to tell you.¡±
¡°What is it?¡± I asked as I held my breath.
¡°The friend I¡¯m planning the Bat Mitzvah with.¡± she paused. ¡°She told me tonight she is going to leave her husband.¡±
¡°Really? I didn¡¯t know you were planning Katie¡¯s Bat Mitzvah with a friend.¡± I said. ¡°I¡¯m sorry to hear that. Why is she leaving him?¡±
¡°She told me that he doesn¡¯t notice her. Hard to believe because she¡¯s a pretty lady. I was shocked when she told me because I thought they were happy.¡±
¡°She doesn¡¯t want to try and work on things?¡±
¡°She has, but he is flat. He just doesn¡¯t care or takes notice of her.¡± Anya said. ¡°She¡¯s tried everything. Working out, make-up, new lingerie, new hair, you name it, but he doesn¡¯t notice.¡±
¡°That¡¯s too bad. At least she tried. It sounds like he has no one to blame but himself at this point.¡±
¡°She¡¯s desperate for attention from a man. I could see it in her eyes. I think that is very sad.¡±
¡°And there¡¯s absolutely no chance they can somehow work things out at all? Does he even see this coming?¡± I asked.
¡°I asked her and she said no. It¡¯s been too long and she has no spark left in her heart.¡± she confirmed further. ¡°He has no idea. He knows how she feels but doesn¡¯t think she¡¯d leave.¡±
¡°Well, he should know it¡¯s important for a man to make his wife feel beautiful especially when she puts forth that much effort into it all for him. He should be so lucky.¡± I said. ¡°I¡¯m sure another man will appreciate her if he doesn¡¯t. Who knows, maybe this is what it takes to wake him up.¡±
¡°Yes I agree. She wants to feel like a woman and he doesn¡¯t make her feel that way. Oh well, we¡¯ll see what happens. I¡¯ll say goodnight now. I love you forever!¡±
¡°Thanks for sharing babe. Goodnight Sweetheart. I love you forever too!¡±
When I turned off my phone I breathed a heavy sigh of relief as I felt what she just shared was the universe working behind the scenes in our favor. I wasn¡¯t a proponent of divorce until all efforts were exhausted but Anya needed to see something like this; a woman who made the decision to follow her heart and to be true to herself. To choose a truthful life rather than remain engaged in a lie for the sake of her child, a child who did not know her pain or struggle. Whether he knew it or not, her husband¡¯s blatant disregard for his wife¡¯s attempts to save their marriage was an act of emotional abuse as I felt Anya¡¯s friend made a health conscious choice to leave him. A rational decision to teach her child that a woman¡¯s self-respect was non-negotiable as I believed a man should lose his title of husband if he didn¡¯t honor nor cherish his wife like he promised to do. Life was simply too short to be spent unhappily, and if it affected your well-being negatively then it was important enough to resolve with the last resort to end a marriage. In my humble opinion, her friend¡¯s decision made a lot of sense as I hoped it would rub off on Anya, and when she decided to share this with me, it gave me the hope it did just that.
I knew now wasn¡¯t the time for Anya to leave but I felt her moment of truth had definitely arrived. I was only a proponent of divorce when all efforts were reasonably exhausted, but if the emptiness and or unhappiness was so great that it led a spouse to sacrifice or compromise their character by being dishonest with all those around them, and led them to fall so deeply in love to consummate that love with another then I thought one should simply leave otherwise it¡¯s just an act of retaliation regardless of any children or any other complications. If I was just Anya¡¯s friend and my heart was uninvolved, but I knew she had experienced this on some level, I¡¯d advise her to leave her husband, otherwise I¡¯d feel I failed to fulfill my duty as her friend. I still couldn¡¯t understand why Carolyn and Debbie did not advise her of this knowing all they did, taken into consideration how highly they spoke of me as well.
Near the stroke of midnight, after I finished writing some of these thoughts in my journal, I felt the need to reinforce my feelings for Anya in case she ever worried about texting me too much again. As the man who truly loved her, and perhaps inspired by her friend¡¯s decision to leave her husband, all I ever wanted to do was make her feel safe so any chance I got, I had to jump on it to show her how much she meant to me especially not being physically there for her to do so. I reasoned if she had any doubt then she could just save my sincere words to her phone and read them like she did my ¡°All I Know¡± texts.
ME: ¡°Anya Lea. Love of my life. Sun in my sky. The beat to my heart. My best friend. I LOVE it whenever you text me and I LOVE hearing all the things you want to share with me. I would drop everything anytime you want to talk to me. Anything I¡¯m doing finishes a distant second when it comes to spending time with you, even if it¡¯s just a text. Please always remember that. I miss you and love you very much.¡±
The next morning, she returned my text in Anya like fashion.
7:38 a.m.
¡°Good morning! Awww baby u r so sweet to me! U were up late! Did u write last night? How r u? I miss u.¡±
After our Saturday morning, still so fresh in my mind, I had a hard time sleeping as I felt the greatest anxiousness ever in my life as every second brought the anticipation she would make a promise to leave her husband for me. We were both at an extremely vulnerable emotional state and the news she shared with me about her friend who she believed was in a happy marriage, gave me hope my restless heart would finally find peace in knowing we would be together one day. All I hoped for now was just a promise if she truly loved me, and I¡¯d be man enough to handle the rest to make sure we got there one day.
ME: ¡°I had a hard time sleeping so yes, I was up writing. I have a client meeting today scheduled I¡¯m a little nervous about but other than that I feel good. I miss u too.¡±
ANYA: ¡°It will go smoothly. Why couldn¡¯t you sleep, baby? A late workout?¡±
ME: ¡°No, not a late workout. I couldn¡¯t sleep because Saturday morning is still fresh in my mind, and I miss having you in my arms. Is it okay I sleep on your side for now?¡±
ANYA: Ur cute about that! You can sleep on my side if u want! I¡¯ll let you! JK! U were on my mind last night too. I held my pillow.¡±
After this morning exchange she kept in touch with me throughout the day as she felt the safety in the truthful words of my late night text. The more I heard from the woman I almost lost to fear, the more I felt secure in my longing to be together as her texts helped to ensure my morning meeting went smoothly. With every text she sent me, I further fantasized how one day my nights would end, and my mornings would begin, with her in my arms. To just know I would one day open my eyes and have her in them would no doubt destroy all my past issues with low self-esteem forever. If she felt anything close to what I did, she had to be steeped in anxiousness as I felt the same desperation and hope in her texts.
4:07 p.m.
¡°Hi! I love you!¡±
ME: ¡°Hi! I love you too! How¡¯s ur day going babe?¡±
ANYA: ¡°Great except for the fact I missed u terribly! What r u up to?¡±
Just like the sun¡¯s gravity upon the earth could not be seen yet its power and existence could never be denied, the power and truth behind our love for each other could never be denied as well. When I asked her if I could call her to return the favor from the previous evening, she announced I could with an exclamation point laden text. Even though I never planned on going there during our phone conversation, this fire of emotions pointed me in the direction of our future as I felt so much love from her over the last week I could no longer contain all I envisioned for us inside. It all started innocently enough as I asked her if she had a Chunky Strawberry for lunch in which she replied ¡°no¡± because she had a late breakfast. That segue then led us to the undeniable beauty of our Saturday morning. A morning if things had gone slightly different, we could be discussing a pregnancy on the phone instead of what she possibly had for lunch, so I went there, into the void, and when I did, Earth beckoned forth the faces of Sara, Karyn, Denise and Lexi all at once to greet me as I made an unexpected descent.
¡°I¡¯m nervous about the Bat Mitzvah.¡± she confessed.
¡°Why babe? Do you still have a lot of preparation to do?¡±
¡°It¡¯s just hard with everything going on in my friend¡¯s life.¡± she said. ¡°Along with everything going on in mine.¡±
¡°I understand. There¡¯s only so much you can do. Just take things one step at a time, Sweetheart. Everything will come together.¡±
¡°I still don¡¯t know what to do, Babe.¡± she whimpered.
¡°Don¡¯t stress, Beautiful. Katie¡¯s Bat Mitzvah will work itself out. Just watch. It¡¯ll go better than you imagined it would.¡±
¡°No.¡± she said. ¡°About us. I still don¡¯t know what to do.¡±
¡°Oh.¡± I responded with shock then disappointment. ¡°I understand.¡±
After she communicated that to me, our conversation bordered less on the beauty of our Saturday morning as I fought to hide from her the greatest sadness I ever felt over another woman in my life. Her feelings took me by complete surprise as I decided to take her bullet rather than respond to her with the shrapnel of my emotions. When I hung up the phone after I miraculously pretended to understand how she felt, all the hope of a promise we both deserved deflated within me as I visited my bathroom to dispose of what I had left in my stomach. As I felt the greatest sense of darkness and uneasiness ever in my life, I received a final text from Anya for the evening.
10:00 p.m.
¡°It was nice to hear ur voice tonight. I just love u so much. Goodnight again. Sweet dreams.¡±
After I read her message, my past failures with women dialed in as I fell under a direct blind sighted assault from a flurry of negative emotions. I wondered how she could come to my place and share such a beautiful morning with me to only just leave and still not know? How could she share all those beautiful feelings that left me to feel so special and still not know? How could she allow me to feel so much and bring me so close yet still not know? If she still didn¡¯t know, how could she possibly know she was in love with me? The more I considered her inability to know, the more I failed to wrap my head around her ¡°I don¡¯t know¡± because it simply screamed to me ¡°I don¡¯t know if I love you¡± too. She didn¡¯t have to tell me she was leaving Jackson now, but how could she not know at all? Doesn¡¯t love know? Did she not remember I walked away from her because she was married? Did she not remember I almost walked away until she text me ¡°You know people divorce all the time and kids are resilient. I can¡¯t promise when or how but nothing is impossible. I hurt every day because I miss you so much.¡±? Divorces did happen all the time and nothing was impossible, all she had to do was ask the friend she planned her daughter¡¯s Bat Mitzvah with. It seemed she forgot all about me walking away to avoid this very situation, but now here I was as I felt she further denied her role in my existence. She approached me at Paseos the first night we met, initiated nearly every text exchange, planned our meetings and even asked me to fight for her only to lead me to uncertainty and to run whenever she felt I held her accountable after she encouraged and allowed me to have such tremendous feelings for her? Did I have to disrespect women, even the ones who cared for me in order to get their respect and their understanding? No, I didn¡¯t understand her position, not this time. What did she have in store for me after her daughter¡¯s Bat Mitzvah? Would she text me the next morning only to inform me Katie ¡°looked at her with trust and admiration without knowing her mother was living a life of desperation¡± like Andrew did during his elementary school graduation? I¡¯ve come too far and loved this woman too much to accept her inability to know. I wanted to be quiet and noble as the last thing I wanted to do was give her any grief, but my heart was too vested simply because I trusted her feelings for me and that she knew what love meant after all she went through with Jackson. I didn¡¯t want to be selfish, but there was also a fine line between nobility and stupidity, and I made it clear from the very beginning I was not in her life to support her marriage or her current environment. I loved her, and I wanted it to change because I knew it was the true source of her stress, pain and sorrow. Furthermore, why wasn¡¯t I told about her kids in the beginning and why were they referred to me as¡± baggage¡± instead? I knew why; because she was living ¡°a life of desperation¡± long before she met me, and as the man who loved her and risked his reputation to be with her, I reserved the right to not let her continue doing so. I could not understand nor allow her to believe she could live the rest of her life with resentment instead of love in her heart. She needed to be real, and she needed to be honest because that¡¯s the promise of the person I fell in love with. Not the person who ¡°didn¡¯t know¡± simply because it was easier to succumb to fear rather than face the truth.
After all we shared this past weekend, I no longer understood her ambivalence as I felt it was a crutch to avoid the inevitable. If she wasn¡¯t ambivalent toward her marriage, not only did Friday and Saturday morning proved that be a lie, but the entire last fifteen months did. We had experienced everything two human beings in love could possibly experience. How was it even possible she still didn¡¯t know? Did she not see any of the sacrifices I made for her to be in her life in this situation? Did she have any respect for my heart at all? I didn¡¯t think it was right for her to not know after this weekend, and I had to challenge her on it. I hated to put the pressure on her, but I¡¯d be a hypocrite if I also chose to live a lie as I felt emotionally vulnerable because of all she allowed me to feel. How could she not know about something if it felt so ¡°natural¡± and ¡°right¡±? What made it so crazy to be with a man who truly loved her and respected her?
Even though I had a right to fight for this, I began to reason by doing so it would be insensitive of me due to the timing of her daughter¡¯s Bat Mitzvah as it would mentally drag her away from a truly important event in her daughter¡¯s life. When I thought of her dilemma in those terms, I understood that part of it, and looked upon it as a good reason to not say anything about how I felt. I didn¡¯t want to trespass on that moment with my grief, but at the same time it was impossible to ignore that her friend she planned Katie¡¯s Bat Mitzvah with was leaving her husband for a lot less than Anya would be leaving Jackson for. I just didn¡¯t understand why she shared that story with me during her daughter¡¯s Bat Mitzvah if she still didn¡¯t know. Why get my hopes up for no reason? If she truly loved me, I felt she would at least be receptive to my point of view, but it was hard not to feel if she stayed at this point, she would choose another man over me, just like every other girl I cared for in my life did. Sara for the taller douchebag who took her virginity and split. Karyn for the company¡¯s Vice-President because of his net worth. Denise when she chose a proven cheater, Cameron, even after she told me he was the last thing she wanted. Lastly Lexi, with her ¡°whirlwind of emotions¡± as she chose the disc jockey with the connections, ConnectTheDot Tec, who got her into the Playboy Mansion, over me. How could Anya, a woman who was deliberately hurt by a man, her own husband who promised never to do so, instead punish a man who never hurt her? Was there something she wasn¡¯t telling me? I began to believe this was about something other than her kids, and I deserved the truth from her even if it left me with no other option than to scale a bridge to end this atrocity called a life once and for all.
Unable to fall asleep, I waited with worry and fatigue for a text from her to find me the next morning.
9:13 a.m.
¡°Good morning! Hope u slept well. Have a great day! I love you.¡±
I wished her a quick good morning and returned the same sentiments as I fought to hide the disruption inside I felt over our phone conversation. I didn¡¯t want to mention anything in such a state of fatigue and frustration. I also had to focus on work to avoid falling any further behind on my jobs, but no matter how hard I tried, my good intentions were powerless against my waterboarded mind as I struggled to both concentrate on work and to hide how I felt. When Anya text me again that morning, I could tell she sensed something was wrong as it gave me an opportunity to open up about the way I felt before my colleagues knew something was wrong too.
10:55 a.m.
¡°R u ok?¡±
ME: ¡°I¡¯m ok. I must admit though I had a hard time sleeping last night after we got off the phone. I¡¯m sleep walking through work today.¡±
ANYA: ¡°Do you want to talk?¡±
ME: ¡°Is there something we need to talk about?¡±
ANYA: ¡°Idk. Besides the obvious.¡±
ME: ¡°What¡¯s the obvious?¡±
ANYA: ¡°I¡¯m not w/u?¡±
I felt like I had just been jettisoned away inside a space capsule that found a portal to thrust me into an entirely different world. An ecosphere that left me to my own devices to acclimate myself to unkind and uninhabitable surroundings. With the odds stacked against me as I never felt so alone, I tried to fight back the onslaught of negative emotions within, but I was still terribly shaken by her revelation the prior evening as it didn¡¯t feel like she truly loved me at all; my darkest fear after taking the greatest leap of my lifetime for anyone. I simply trusted in everything she told me before we began our relationship and all we subsequently shared, and now that I knew who her husband was and how he was so consumed with his business and political aspirations, it made complete sense I only filled a void in her life; the very thing I warned her about as I felt abandoned with feelings I didn¡¯t know what to do with that would never change. After our text exchange I lost all focus on work as I knew I had to settle all the turmoil I felt even though it might disrupt her day and destroy our relationship. I had to be real and I had to know the truth. If she needed love in her life, I needed to know how much it meant to her to have because at this moment, I didn¡¯t believe she ever needed love at all, but only the feeling of love as I was only the man she used for a semblance of it, and not the man she truly loved at all.
ME: ¡°Forgive me for feeling this way, but after our beautiful morning together, I no longer can understand it being a question of ¡°if¡± but rather a question of ¡°when¡±. Are you sure you ever want to be with me? I¡¯m not asking you to leave now but I think you would know by now to promise me one day you will leave after all we¡¯ve shared.¡±
ANYA: ¡°Of course I want to be with you but if I can¡¯t promise whether it¡¯s a ¡°when¡± or an ¡°if¡± I need to take a walk. It¡¯s like one step forward and two steps back.¡±
ME: ¡°I¡¯m sorry to say this but if you feel your only option is to walk, then I feel you¡¯re choosing your husband over me. I hate to feel this way, but it doesn¡¯t feel like you truly love me, and I¡¯m just filling a void in your marriage.¡±
ANYA: ¡°You leave me no choice but to walk. I¡¯m walking. I¡¯m sorry. I can¡¯t handle the pressure.¡±
Her love was so great for me; my soulmate¡¯s only solution was to walk away from me rather than to know. As her decision to flee rather than fight shattered my soul, my mind imprisoned my heart and interrogated it enough to consider the hardest truth imaginable; Would love ever walk away?
ME: ¡°I can¡¯t handle the indecision after our beautiful morning together. If you think love simply walks after all we¡¯ve shared, then I can¡¯t stop you, but it¡¯s your choice to live a dishonest life, not mine, and I don¡¯t believe love does that when faced with the truth.¡±
Little did I realize I was on the path to learning what love was all about.
CHAPTER 9 ~ AFTER MATH
¡°Reach into the light,
and feel love¡¯s gravity.
That pulls you to my side,
where you should always be.¡±
"Lady, Lady, Lady" ~ Joe Esposito
Just like light brought the ability for our eyes to see, love did the same thing for our minds to feel. I loved Anya too much to be quiet and I believed in love too much to just let her walk away. I wasn¡¯t sure if it was the moment of truth, but I knew a moment of truth had definitely arrived. If I didn¡¯t fight for her then I couldn¡¯t have loved her, but even worse of all, if she failed to listen to all the words my heart had to say, then she couldn¡¯t have possibly loved me. I had to challenge her to believe in love, but if she chose to walk I felt she would choose a life with a man who cheated on her that willed her to be just as horrible as he was. Would she really choose a life with a man that essentially left her to fashion a scarlet letter? I loved her, and was with her for nine months, not nine days as I believed this gave me the right to fight for her. If I didn¡¯t love her, her indecision would give me a welcomed escape hatch to slide down, but not even for a second in the past nine months did I ever truly feel a desire to run or walk, even during a hard time such as this. If her disgraceful marriage never led her into my arms, I¡¯d push her to stay, but through our love I knew what was at stake for my soulmate as I didn¡¯t want her to burn at it. I felt I could peer into her future, and not just the present day as I didn¡¯t want her to end up like my mother; alone in a darkened room fighting a battle only she knew about for the sake of people who had no idea what she went through. Unfortunately for Anya at this moment, her soulmate and best friend knew everything she went through and refused to lie down and allow her martyrdom to continue. Other than Anya herself, I was the only one who knew her daily struggle and sadness simply not only due to all she shared with me but also because I knew my own. The time came to force my hand and no longer continue to feed her with it. After an hour of silence, Anya sent me a text in response as I tried to concentrate on a work load that began to pile up unforgivingly.
3:10 p.m.
¡°Saturday was beautiful. If I could describe heaven it was Saturday morning. You made me feel like Saturday should have never happened. I think it¡¯s best to not be in contact for a while.¡±
Anya knew from the very beginning of our relationship I wasn¡¯t in her life for one beautiful Saturday morning but for many of them. She was right though, if she could leave my apartment after the beauty of Saturday morning, a meeting she planned, and still not know, then it should have never happened. I didn¡¯t agree to be in a relationship with her just to fall in love with her. Why would I have wanted to fall so deeply in love only for the sake of falling so deeply in love? So I could just get hurt again? She promised to be with me if I ¡°swept her off her feet¡± as I had texts stored on my phone from her to prove I did that. I didn¡¯t just want a single beautiful morning. I wanted the whole thing or nothing at all, and my frustration came because I made that perfectly clear in the beginning of our relationship. For some reason, I felt she conveniently forgot her response when I asked her at Luke¡¯s what she needed from me at the beginning of our relationship to secure a promise from her. If anything, I needed to know what changed without my knowledge because the kids were in her life long before she made me a promise to leave if she fell in love with me. If I knew her kids would suffer if she did, did she think I would¡¯ve ever allowed her to fall in love with me? Her indecision led me to feel her feelings had weakened for me enough to renege on her promise, as it provided me with the most logical reason for her inability to know. The more this possibility began to make sense, the more I felt the urgency to bring it to her attention. When I got off of work, I asked if I could call her and thankfully she obliged.
¡°Hey.¡± she said sadly as silence filled the air between us for the first time as I tried to gather my thoughts and all I wanted to say.
¡°Anya, I need to ask you a very important question.¡± I said. ¡°I need the truth.¡±
¡°What is it?¡±
¡°Are you truly in love with me?¡±
¡°My God, how could you even ask me that? Are you kidding me? After everything?¡± she announced with an inflected tone. ¡°After all we¡¯ve shared? Are you serious?¡±
¡°Please forgive me, but I just don¡¯t understand how you can walk away from me so easily.¡± I said. ¡°I could never be so quick to pull the trigger because of all these feelings I have for you. It just seems like you don¡¯t want to be with me because you can walk away so easily even after everything and all we¡¯ve shared. I¡¯m sorry but that just doesn¡¯t feel like love to me at all.¡±
¡°Well, you¡¯re wrong! I love you to death!¡± she exclaimed further. ¡°How could you even question me after Saturday morning? Do you think I want to walk? You¡¯re leaving me no choice.¡±
¡°Do you remember just before you left on your trip to Spain you started to write a Pros and Cons List?¡±
¡°I remember.¡±
¡°I¡¯m curious. What ever happened to that list?¡± I asked as I continued my suicide mission. ¡°Do you also remember I was worried about it but you told me all you needed was one pro; my love? Well, you know you have that¡so what happened? Did I do something wrong? If you truly wanted to be with me don¡¯t you think, especially after Saturday morning and after all we¡¯ve shared, you would know? If what you told me about the list was true you should know by now based simply on that list alone because you put that list together six months ago. If you feel Saturday morning should¡¯ve never happened, because I don¡¯t understand how you could still not know, should the entire last nine months not have happened too if you feel that way? Just tell me you¡¯re not in love with me and then I¡¯ll let you walk away without another word. At least I¡¯ll know the truth.¡±
¡°No! You are so wrong! I love you with all my being! I do want to be with you, more than ever, but the pressure you¡¯re putting on me. I don¡¯t know what else to say to you or do because I just can¡¯t take the pressure you¡¯re giving me. I can¡¯t keep this up.¡±
¡°Anya, you asked me to fight for you, and I¡¯ve done nothing but fight for you every single minute for the last nine months. Why are you fighting me if you truly want to be with me? Does love know pressure of any kind? If you were to ¡°pressure¡± me, I could easily give you a promise to be with you, and not ever threaten to walk away from you. That¡¯s the only reason why I¡¯ve questioned your love for me. What other single man would do what I¡¯ve done for you? What single man would ever remain loyal to you even when you¡¯re not fully loyal to him?¡± I said. ¡°Nothing bounds me to you but love so it¡¯s easy to be loyal. Not that I¡¯m the greatest gift on earth but I feel I¡¯m giving you something money could never buy. I just can¡¯t believe you¡¯d bring me this close from so far away for nothing; to just walk away anytime you feel pressure. Where¡¯s the pressure when you want to be with someone you love with all your being? You¡¯re right. Saturday should have never happened if you couldn¡¯t leave that morning without at least knowing. I would never put anyone I loved in a position you¡¯ve put me in with so many tremendous feelings for you. Now I can sit here and take it, and make it easier for you to live a lie, but I won¡¯t do that because I love you, and if you can¡¯t see how this is a man who loves you dearly fighting for you to realize what we¡¯ve found in each other then don¡¯t you think that¡¯s proof you aren¡¯t truly in love with me? I¡¯m trying to make you see the last nine months is not an everyday thing and maybe not even a once in a lifetime thing either. If I didn¡¯t love you so much, I wouldn¡¯t care enough to make you see what you¡¯re throwing away.¡±
¡°I¡¯m sorry.¡± she began to sob. ¡°Please understand. I beg you. I really do love you.¡±
¡°Is your only solution to this dilemma to stay with a man you no longer love? A man you no longer trust? How does that make any sense after the last nine months? How does that make any sense when I¡¯m the second man in your life and not the first? Why aren¡¯t you listening to yourself? What have I done wrong?¡±
¡°How come you¡¯re mad at me now and not before?¡± she asked.
¡°I¡¯m not mad at you babe. I¡¯m hurt and disappointed but not mad.¡± I said. ¡°Do you think my feelings haven¡¯t grown for you after such a beautiful morning together? Did you expect my love to remain constant for you? To never grow stronger since we first met or after you came to my apartment to say goodbye? I feel more for you now than I ever did, and I¡¯ll admit I¡¯m afraid to lose you because over the last month I now know what it feels like to lose you. I¡¯m equally afraid though to see you choose to live a life of stress, unhappiness, sorrow and desperation instead of a truthful one. Saturday morning meant a lot to me because I almost lost you, and you¡¯re simply my entire world. After all we shared that morning it¡¯s been harder than ever to wake up and to live without you in my arms. Sweetheart, I don¡¯t have kids of my own to fall back on; to help take me away from my longing for you. You have that. All I have is an empty apartment that makes me feel lonelier than I¡¯ve ever felt before. Sometimes the silence is so deafening, it not only threatens to break my heart, but it also tries to break my spirit. I need to know if what you feel for me is real so I can fight that cacophony of silence when you¡¯re not with me because when you threaten to walk away or to suspend all contact, I don¡¯t feel it¡¯s real at all. Look, I¡¯m sorry I can¡¯t be as noble as I hoped to be about this, but I¡¯m not going to lie to you and pretend I don¡¯t need your love because I do. I need your love and more than ever I need to know if it¡¯s real. I feel if you truly love me, you¡¯ll try to see where I¡¯m coming from. Did you not expect me to be overwhelmed by emotions after all we shared on Saturday morning after a month apart? I didn¡¯t need a month away to know I love you or even clarity, but I¡¯m afraid it looks like you do.¡±
¡°I¡¯m overwhelmed with emotions too, but I have to be strong for my kids, Landyn. It¡¯s why it doesn¡¯t come out the same way as you. You¡¯re asking me for a timeframe and I¡¯m being honest too. I don¡¯t know.¡±
Anya had a way of narrowing my passionate emotions into a single digestible feeling. When she explained her dilemma as having to be strong for her kids, I began to see things through her eyes, and that was all I wanted to accomplish because that¡¯s what love did, no matter how badly I missed and needed her.
¡°I totally understand.¡± I said as I became reflective and repositioned myself to her side of the fence. ¡°This is where I become imperfect. This is where I fail you, and I¡¯m sorry I¡¯ve let my emotions overwhelm me enough to overlook what you need to do. My goal isn¡¯t to make life difficult for you over there and I hope you know that. I¡¯m really trying to be noble but I¡¯m so in love with you, and it¡¯s hard because this is all I¡¯ve ever wanted in my life. Not to be a millionaire but to be in love with one person forever, who makes me love life. I don¡¯t mean to make life difficult on you in front of your children, and I¡¯m sorry for that. This is an onslaught of emotions I¡¯ve had no experience with until I met you so I¡¯m easily consumed by it. I¡¯m just trying to deal with all of them and they hit me out of nowhere from different directions when I least expect them to. I guess I felt if you admitted you weren¡¯t truly in love with me then I could deal with them better because I¡¯m used to being unloved in life.¡±
¡°You can think what you want, babe. There¡¯s nothing I can do, but you¡¯re wrong. I do love you. I¡¯ve never loved a man more than I love you, and I do want to be with you.¡± she said. ¡°Do you want to talk some more or have you had enough? Words can¡¯t describe the sorrow.¡±
¡°I think I¡¯ve taken you away from your kids enough for today with my issues. I¡¯m really sorry about that. That wasn¡¯t my intention.¡± I said. ¡°I¡¯m also very sorry I questioned your love. I¡¯m just so vulnerable and defenseless from all these emotions. And a lack of sleep isn¡¯t helping my thought process. Anyway, I¡¯ll let you go. I have to get back to the office.¡±
¡°K. Enough said. Take care babe. I love you.¡±
¡°I love you too.¡±
¡°So¡what do u want to do?¡± she asked me just before she ended the call.
I then paused for a brief moment, and then spoke without any consideration of the irony in my response.
¡°I don¡¯t know.¡±
¡°I¡¯m not going anywhere soon. You never know what later. If you just want to see what happens later I¡¯d be ecstatic. In the meantime, if contact is too hard, I¡¯ll stop.¡±
Anya had a way to hit my soft spot, one I naturally had for her because I loved her so much. It broke my heart more to disappoint her than to have her break my heart by not knowing. I¡¯ve felt her pain, but I wasn¡¯t there to see her struggle so sometimes it took her sharing it with me to help my understanding. My communication with her was not about hurting or breaking her down by proving I was right, but it was the exact opposite as I hoped she would prove me wrong each and every time. This conversation was an honest attempt to see her side of things just as much as I sought for her to see mine, and I left our discussion with the sense her indecision was not about knowing if she would leave him but about not knowing if she could give me a timeframe. Her words, her voice, and the time she gave me regardless of her resolution to walk away helped ease my suffering, and I ended our conversation with the belief that once again I overreacted as I felt bad to question her love for me after she struggled with her emotions in front of her children. The last thing I wanted was for them to worry about their mother. The same person I worried about too.
¡°It seems like now every time we see each other it gets harder to get through the days.¡± she said. ¡°It¡¯s like one step forward, two steps back.¡±
¡°I think that sums it up perfectly.¡± I said. ¡°Babe, I¡¯m really sorry for hurting you.¡±
¡°I¡¯m sorry for hurting you too.¡±
¡°I think sometimes I hurt myself.¡± I said. ¡°If you don¡¯t mind, I want to stay in contact. Are you okay with that?¡±
¡°Just over text and the phone?¡±
¡°You tell me what you want. It¡¯s apparent I can¡¯t handle the missing right now.¡± I said. ¡°I need to get a handle on these emotions and find a way not to pressure you again like I just did.¡±
¡°Okay. I can¡¯t take another day like today. Please don¡¯t pressure me or question my love for you. I want to stay in contact with you too, but maybe cool it a little.¡±
¡°Okay.¡±
After our exchange, like I did after virtually every disagreement we ever had, I put the onus on myself as I felt I let her down once again. Her response after our beautiful morning together caught me off guard and I miscalculated the calculus equation that was our relationship, but the first thing I did regardless of my lack of sleep was find the strength to send Anya a heartfelt apology via text when I got home from work that day.
ME: ¡°I didn¡¯t get any sleep last night so I¡¯m going to turn in early. I¡¯ll need your perfume tonight for sure. I just wanted to say from the bottom of my heart how sorry I am for pressuring you. It was wrong and I didn¡¯t do the right thing. I support you 100% in what you decide to do b/c I truly do love you. I just want you to be happy and it¡¯s just so hard when I know I can make you very happy. There will be no more pressure coming from me anymore. This I promise you. I love you. You¡¯re my best friend. I support you. Goodnight Beautiful.¡±
After I sent her this text and twenty minutes passed me by without a response, I caved in to the reality she had made up her mind about me. It really was too much on her to deal with my personal issues of longing as I felt trapped now between my greatest dream and my worst nightmare. A nightmare I didn¡¯t expect her love to lead me to. As I sat in my bed and quietly contemplated the direction of our relationship, I reasoned the only way I would be able to get her to leave Jackson was to apply pressure without applying pressure, and as the irony of my plan beset my good nature, it also occurred to me I had to implement a ¡°little less of everything¡± strategy with her. If she truly loved me and I responded a ¡°little less¡± quickly to her texts, and show I cared a ¡°little less¡± more than I did, and communicated a ¡°little less¡± than normal, this would precipitate my application of pressure without applying any as it would allow me to see how much I meant to her if I had any doubts. For the last nine months I was always available and there for her. Always afraid to let her down, and to see her sad as I never wanted her to feel unloved for even a second, but I felt I needed to put some doubt in her mind because as it now stood, what reason did I give her to leave her marriage when I gave her so much of myself already? I had to assume by making myself so available to her, she already had all she wanted. If I kept my infinite availability up, she would never leave because she essentially would have no incentive to. If she didn¡¯t know by now, maybe I was the one responsible for that more than she was? Why buy this cow when she could yank any udder at any time and get all the milk she wanted? It was painfully and undoubtedly obvious I had to initiate this strategy because the original strategy only got her to the point of indecision between us, something a woman cheated on many times I thought would have appreciated in me, but the truth was it only allowed her to keep sitting on the fence. I decided it was best to cut off most contact after today as it was time to ¡°man up¡± a little as I was sick of all the pain I felt, that led to my struggle. If she truly wanted to be with me, she¡¯ll come to me, if not then she simply didn¡¯t and I had my answer and greatest fear all at once.
I then started to think about the fallout from my new strategy and if I would be strong enough to stomach it. Chances are she would stop texting me goodnight, stop sending me uninitiated ¡°I love you forever¡± and ¡°I miss you¡± texts and stop sharing her day with me. When I considered how her love in this form would disappear from my life, I knew it would devastate me beyond repair, but I was a champion for the truth and I¡¯d be living a lie like she did if I was swallowed whole by the fear of losing her. All I could do was hope some of the things I said on the phone resonated inside of her so I wouldn¡¯t have to lose the only thing that brought meaning into my life; that she could take what I said and understand somewhat where I was coming from. If I didn¡¯t love her, I wouldn¡¯t have cared or been hurt at all. The friend she was planning her daughter¡¯s Bat Mitzvah with was leaving her husband because he didn¡¯t notice her anymore; that there¡¯s no spark left in her heart for him yet Anya had done several things her friend never did like fall in love with another man and even consummate that love with him. I hoped she would take that into consideration and apply it to her own situation because I think she would understand better why I was so distraught by her indecision. Anya¡¯s hesitancy made more sense to me if there was still a spark in her heart for Jackson, and if anything, I needed to find out if that was true because I couldn¡¯t rationalize for the life of me how she still didn¡¯t know when her friend was leaving for a lot less and did know. As these thoughts swirled around in my head, I received some unexpected peace of mind.
10:31 p.m.
¡°Thank you. Goodnight. I love you.¡±
I then reminded myself after I read her text that she just didn¡¯t know about a timeframe and she took my words as meaning she had to leave right now, and not just a promise to leave one day. I guess I wanted so badly to bank on the security a promise would have given me because I felt it would certainly relieve the pressure, something I was certain she wanted too. It scared me to think I could be caught in the middle of her marriage and be left hung out to dry one day, and it terrified me even more to believe even though I trusted she was too good of a person to do that to me, what if she did? Most of the women in my life, if not all of the ones I ever cared for, had done that to me in some way as her indecisiveness felt insanely similar. Saturday morning was such a huge step forward for us, for her to tell me ¡°I just don¡¯t know¡± killed me in any context. Our phone conversation was good though in the sense I got everything off my chest and even though it left me emotionally exhausted, I felt progress was made as I learned the only way I could pressure her to know was to go on with my life, and be a ¡°little less¡± available. Perhaps, if she thought I was enjoying life without her then I believed there was a better chance she would want to join my life too. I simply had to perform the most senseless, illogical act of being in love; to care by not caring, with the hope it would spring her into leaving her marriage if she had any plans to.
The next day started off on the right track as she extended an olive branch after our emotional conversation.
8:05 a.m.
¡°Good morning. I hope ur ok. I don¡¯t like having tension between us. Don¡¯t be afraid to text me anytime you want. Ur still my best friend and I¡¯m here. I love you.¡±
When I noticed an exclamation point went missing in action after her ¡°good morning¡±, I began to feel responsible for her sadness. Her ¡°I don¡¯t like having tension between us¡± statement brought me back to when Sara would give me the silent treatment after our disagreements and our lack of communication during that time hastened the end of our relationship. It also brought attention to how Anya and I were so much alike as we both didn¡¯t want to go to bed with bad thoughts on our minds. I felt our open communication about every issue we had, good or bad, really legitimized how we felt we were meant for one another as it only provided more rational proof there was something very special in what we had.
ME: ¡°Good morning. How r u? I¡¯m here for you too babe. You¡¯re my best friend and I love you too. I don¡¯t like any tension between us either.¡±
ANYA: ¡°I¡¯m ok. Just know I live and breathe you. You are close to my heart at all times. I will miss you every second. I love you so much. I love you forever.¡±
After I read her last text, I knew I had let her down as our ¡°cool down¡± period seemed unwanted. I even started to backtrack on my ¡°little less of everything¡± initiative simply because I cared for her too much, and her sadness was my fault. Everything was going so right in her life emotionally until our communication breakdown yesterday and now I felt guilty about all I felt and said, whether it was true or not. The following day held true to our sadness as I barely heard from her as my ¡°little less of everything¡± plan was implemented out of default. When I didn¡¯t hear from her, I figured she feared every text she sent might give me a reason to pressure her even though I promised her I would not pressure her again, but later that evening, much later than normal, our unusual silent day began to affect her.
11:15 p.m.
¡°R u not talking to me?¡±
After I read her text, and only because it came so unusually late, I immediately called her.
¡°Hi.¡± she spoke softly as she quickly answered.
¡°Sweetheart, I¡¯m still talking to you.¡± I said. ¡°You told me we should cool it down a little and I¡¯m just trying to respect what you told me. Trust me, this isn¡¯t an easy thing for me to do.¡±
¡°Are you okay?¡± she asked.
¡°I¡¯m good.¡± I fibbed. ¡°Is there something on your mind you want to talk about?¡±
¡°I¡¯m sorry, but I still don¡¯t know.¡± she whimpered.
¡°I understand.¡± I said. ¡°I don¡¯t expect you to know a timeframe this very minute.¡±
¡°You know, I¡¯ve had my kids for 13 years and have been with you for only eight months.¡± she stated coldly.
¡°I understand but even though it probably won¡¯t make much of a difference, I would like to think they¡¯ve been a pretty significant eight months.¡± I said as I fought to bite my tongue. ¡°Won¡¯t I always be behind them in years though? I understand what you¡¯re trying to say, but at the same time, I don¡¯t; if that makes any sense at all.¡±
This content has been misappropriated from Royal Road; report any instances of this story if found elsewhere.
¡°You will never understand then.¡± she scolded me.
I understood Anya communicated this to me to explain why it was so hard for her to make a decision no matter how much she loved me as she tried to offer a bridge for me to cross over. Unfortunately, I didn¡¯t see the bridge at the time she told me this. All I saw was another barrier she constructed as I felt she would have considered fifteen months instead of eight.
¡°You¡¯re probably right.¡± I said. ¡°but the only reason why I will never understand is because you keep ignoring yourself. I think you have to try and remember¡and I don¡¯t think I¡¯m special here, but I never approached you at Paseos the night we met, you came up to me. I¡¯m just stating a fact here. Not to mention, Lance was also in your life for a time before me too. You told me he left you because you had kids so I¡¯m wondering now if he got the age comparison as well. Is this why he left you? Because he couldn¡¯t compete against time? If he truly loved you though, he would have challenged you to think differently about that like I¡¯m trying to do and if my words are only going in one ear and out the other, I think you have to ask yourself some really tough questions, and I may have to face some really tough facts about the strength of your love for me. I think you really need to listen to yourself, and remember how we began and how much love there is between us after all we¡¯ve shared. To consider all you¡¯ve allowed into your life because of the man who you chose to marry and have those great kids with. That¡¯s what I struggle to understand. I¡¯m the second guy here, not the first, babe. Our relationship isn¡¯t a mistake you¡¯re making, it¡¯s a decision. The only mistake you¡¯re really making is not being honest with yourself and those around you. I have to fight for you to see that because our relationship I feel is an enormous act of courage on your part, and in my humble opinion, to be afraid of anything at this point is a huge contradiction. I¡¯m sorry, but the only reason I am giving you some tough love here is only because I love you and I want to see you in a better place. I want you to live a truthful life. Maybe not today, or tomorrow or even six months from now, but soon. You don¡¯t have to give me a time frame. That¡¯s not what I was asking for, but I also don¡¯t want to hear every excuse in the book not to leave because it makes me feel like you don¡¯t want to be with me.¡±
My words left her in a state of silence as they seemed to render her a mute, but I was certain she took them to heart as one of the hardest things in life for people who lived a false one to do was to face the truth. I hated to tell her all I did, but it needed to be said as all I did was state the facts; she approached me, I did not approach her. I felt at times she treated me as if I was a luxury and not a necessity; that the love I gave and felt was just fun and games for her and they should be for me as well. I existed in her life in a huge way now as I heeded her advice not to take things lightly and attempted to get her to recognize she allowed and even encouraged our love even after I walked away. This was a deeply emotional and physical relationship. So much so if people knew the truth they would likely believe I was her husband and not Jackson, and I desperately wanted that reality even with all that came with it, but it seemed Anya aimed to either to just keep what we had or threaten to walk away.
¡°All I can say is you¡¯re wrong.¡± she said. ¡°I¡¯m sorry you feel that way.¡±
¡°This isn¡¯t about being right, babe.¡± I said. ¡°But I would never bring someone this close to me, in our situation, without being prepared to be with that person. I wouldn¡¯t go this far with someone if I had any plans to stay. I¡¯d be lying to my wife, my kids, and more than anyone, I¡¯d be lying to myself. My relationship would only represent an act of retaliation and repairing an ego if I stayed at this point.¡±
¡°This is not retaliation!¡± she snapped. ¡°You don¡¯t understand! I love you! I want to be with you!¡±
¡°You¡¯re right. I don¡¯t understand.¡± I stated. ¡°Because here¡¯s a woman who just told me she has known her kids for thirteen years and me for only eight months so that¡¯s why she doesn¡¯t know, yet this is the same woman who knows and even promised me after only eight months she would have her ashes strewn out at our beach when she dies. How could you promise me that and not know if you can make a promise to be with me? You even told me you fantasized about having a baby with me and would marry me one day. If you know that much, wouldn¡¯t you at least know our love is real enough and special enough to leave a blatantly unfaithful husband too? I cannot understand why now you are making this me versus your kids after almost nine months together and after fifteen months of knowing each other. I can¡¯t believe it was ever me versus the kids to begin with because I know you wouldn¡¯t have started a relationship with me if that was the case. I know how much you love them and the depth of our relationship alone tells me a lot about how much the man you married has hurt you. Why would you pit them against me? Against us? Against a love so true you¡¯re willing to put your ashes upon a beach where we proved our love to be true? If you truly want to be with me, I believe you¡¯ll find a way to make it work, just like you did on Saturday morning, and if you don¡¯t want to find a way to make it work, then you won¡¯t. It¡¯s that simple.¡±
¡°I want to be with you.¡± she said as she began to get choked up. ¡°You¡¯re the man I love. It¡¯s that simple. It¡¯s not you versus the kids. I¡¯m not pitting them against you.¡±
¡°Sweetheart, please don¡¯t cry. I¡¯m only telling you how I feel because I want to be wrong.¡± I said in an attempt to reconcile our emotions. ¡°Babe, all I¡¯m saying is please, please, please look at the positives in being together too, and not all the negatives. If all you¡¯re going to do is get fixated on all the things that can go wrong instead of all the things that could go right, then we don¡¯t stand a chance. I¡¯m begging you not to do that to us. Not after all we¡¯ve shared.¡±
¡°Katie just walked in and I think she just heard your voice. I have to go. Good night.¡±
¡°Okay. Goodnight.¡± I said as I quickly ended the call.
It crushed me to hear her cry on the phone as I didn¡¯t want to fight with her but only for her. I truly wanted to see the way she saw things, but the time variance of the years in between she knew her kids and our love caught me completely by surprise. This time variance would always exist between the kids and us so it left me to believe her feelings weakened for me after our Saturday morning, and didn¡¯t strengthen like she led me to believe they did. If she was going to look at all the ways this couldn¡¯t work out, even after all our beautiful moments together, then how could they have really meant a single thing to her?
I had to also accept a simple fact of my own struggle; if Denise leaving devastated me, Anya¡¯s exit would undoubtedly destroy me. If she listened to herself though and remembered the sum of the only time that mattered in the equation of our love; The time she approached me at Sonoma¡¯s. The time she asked me to fight for her. The time she moved an empty bench next to her in Spain as if I was with her. The time she came over to sing ¡°Toda Una Vida¡± to me. The time she arranged for us to be together for a weekend in Laguna Beach. The time we made love on ¡°our beach¡±. The time she invited me to her daughter¡¯s recital even with her husband in attendance. The time spent on a beautiful Saturday morning together she arranged. If she added all these moments of time the way I did, she would see the math simply equated to a need to be honest with herself. All I did was present the universe to her, an entity that never recognized time or its comparisons, as I hoped she realized all we truly stood for.
Anya text me the next morning, a Saturday, as it marked one week since our beautiful morning together.
9:42 a.m.
¡°Good morning. Did u sleep ok?¡±
ME: ¡°Good morning. Not at all. Did u?¡±
ANYA: ¡°Not really. I think maybe we¡¯ve reached that point. It¡¯s too hard to keep going like this. I need to make a decision and I can¡¯t. It¡¯s almost surreal. I¡¯m going through the motions of everyday life but my mind is elsewhere. Just don¡¯t know what to do now. Did you want to call me?¡±
ME: ¡°Sure.¡±
After our short textchange we were back on the phone together to try and sort out the mess we both made as we talked positively for over two hours. I first apologized to her for my harsh stance and for making her cry as I tried to explain I was trying to fight for her and not with her. I then apologized if Katie had heard my voice and Anya informed me her daughter did come in to ask her who she was talking to. I promised her to be more mindful of the right time and place to have these type of serious, deep, and emotional conversations with her as she understood why what she told me caught me off guard. It wasn¡¯t my intention to affect her around the kids, but this love was an emotion I never experienced before, a very serious one. Anya was my life raft, as I felt at times like this, losing her was the difference between life and death for me. I again asked her to try and focus on all the positives instead of all the negatives as she agreed to be more cognizant of all the positives in being together, and even apologized to me for being negative. We then talked about the grieving process we both went through after each time our physical meetings ended and how difficult it was to escape the fog to get through the rest of the day and the days subsequent to our meetings that followed.
After our positive two-hour phone conversation, as we spent more time on the phone over the last three days than in the last nine months, good vibes from her ruled the day via the texts she sent me.
12:17 p.m.
¡°Hey Cutie!!! Thanks for calling me! I had fun talking to you! I miss you, I love you. I¡¯m having a Chunky Strawberry!¡±
1:43 p.m.
¡°Do you eat ice cream? Too cold? Do u know I like to eat ice cream in bed? Haagen-Dazs! Chocolate of course! I like to eat a big bowl when it¡¯s cold out in my flannels and fuzzy socks! Scared yet?¡±
3:26 p.m.
¡°9 months babe...¡±
5:00 p.m.
¡°I know! We talked for 2 hours! Remember the grieving process? Too funny! I loved talking to you too. We r sooo one! I miss all of u. I love u forever.¡±
5:33 p.m.
¡°I think we should talk on the phone more often! What do you think?¡±
Her text messages were important for me to note as they only provided more concrete evidence of her true feelings for me. Evidence she took my words to heart, and was listening to herself. It proved she knew as well as I did, love wasn¡¯t about walking away and giving up no matter how vulnerable we both were after our Saturday morning at my place. She even pointed out we¡¯ve officially reached the nine-month point of our relationship on this day as it was the thirtieth of the month; the last day of the toughest month for us so far. Her desire to share with me something new I didn¡¯t know about her left me to fantasize about us in bed sharing a bowl of chocolate ice cream one day as I saw a conscious effort to bring me closer to her. And when she shared her desire to talk on the phone more often, she reminded me just why I loved her so much and why I fought for her as much as I did as she showed me understanding without telling me she understood how I felt. Her messages announced to me that even though we still had an issue to overcome, if we could survive this, our relationship was far from over.
Later that evening she took Katie out to dinner with her friends, but the entire day kept me smiling throughout as we reconnected after a very hard week. As painful as the conversations were, it only further proved how strong our bond was, how important it was not to skirt around issues that greatly affected us, and to intimately know the power of open communication. I got everything I felt off my chest, and she did too as I felt it gave us a better understanding of where we were in our relationship. It made me realize I had to practice more patience with her as I felt more than ever a promise would eventually come my way if I did. I jumped the gun after our beautiful morning together as it filled me with more anticipation than usual so I was more sensitive to any negative feelings from her. I had to remember I always believed anyone who cheated on someone did not love that person because if they truly did, they would never dream of hurting someone nor ever jeopardize losing who they loved. When I thought about that, and all Anya had done in spite of her husband over the last nine months, I realized after Saturday morning, if I couldn¡¯t obtain a promise from her, I at least could rest assured more than ever she didn¡¯t love Jackson at all. As long as I could keep myself in check, and not get discouraged; to stick to the game plan of applying pressure by not applying pressure, and to utilize my ¡°a little less of everything¡± approach, I thought we would make it as I truly believed she would eventually do the right thing; to choose a life of truth over deceit and end her marriage.
The next day brought with it more of the same from her as she kept in constant contact with me throughout the day which only proved my point that by not knowing she was only refusing to listen to herself. With each text she sent, not only did I receive the consistency I craved from her, but also a message that was loud and clear; I mattered to her, and she needed what she found in me and what we¡¯ve found in each other. On this particular day she shared with me that Katie slept in until eleven thirty that morning as through her daughter¡¯s new sleep habits, it hit her she was now the mother of a teen. When I asked her if she was able to find the perfect dress for her daughter¡¯s Bat Mitzvah, she exclaimed she didn¡¯t find the perfect dress but she did find the perfect shoes! She ordered eight dresses online and would try them all on to better decide which one to wear to the event then return the rest of them. For the rest of the day she worked on Bat Mitzvah things again with her girlfriend and later that evening, when I asked about her Labor Day plans for the following day, she informed me of a barbecue she planned to go to which required her to make a salad because it was ¡°her ticket in¡±. She then text me later that evening unexpectedly.
9:35 p.m.
¡°I miss u like crazy and love u like crazy. Can you find out if Madonna¡¯s book ¡°I Am Because We Are¡± is a kids book or a memoir?¡±
ME: ¡°This might surprise you but I feel the same way! I just googled it. It¡¯s actually neither. It was a documentary written and produced by Madonna about orphans with AIDS in Malawi. What a beautiful title though.¡±
ANYA: ¡°Oh! Thanks for looking that up so quickly, babe! By the way, I thought of another title for our book. ¡°You¡¯re The Reason Why¡¡±
ME: ¡°Since you¡¯re coming up with all these great titles, maybe if I hold out long enough you¡¯ll write the book for me too!¡±
ANYA: ¡°Ha! I¡¯ll leave that to you! Which sounds better? ¡°You¡¯re My Reason Why¡± or ¡°You¡¯re The Reason Why?¡± U know I¡¯m just playing with titles.¡±
ME: ¡°That¡¯s a tough one. They both sound like they convey the same feeling, but I think ¡°my¡± reason why might be better for a memoir. I feel both of them speak about how I feel about you though.¡±
ANYA: ¡°I feel the same way about you from the other side. If I said I was dating a man to the relatively ¡°normal¡± public they would look at me like I¡¯m crazy.¡±
ME: ¡°That¡¯s only because the relatively ¡°normal¡± public is ignorant to our truth otherwise I think it would make all the sense in the world to them.¡±
ANYA: ¡°Yes I know, babe. They don¡¯t know my reasons why. Goodnight my love. I love you forever.¡±
Anya knew how to calm the storm within and when she threw out titles for our story, I felt love without her telling me ¡°I love you¡± as she realized the rarity of what we had. She just had that way about her, like the sound of a crashing wave upon the shore, her words and voice were always soothing and tempering to me as her show of love made my pain recede from the shore that was my mind whenever she opened up to me this way. As badly as I wanted her to promise she would leave, I had to give her credit for not giving me a false promise out of obligation or fear as I always aimed for her to feel safety in the timing of her decision, even though at times I failed. Did I get frustrated with her at times? Of course I did, but I think it was a natural reaction when you loved someone so much who you couldn¡¯t hold, kiss or touch when you wanted to. She was a gift I had been given and was dying to unwrap so I could embrace it the way I¡¯ve always dreamt of. I knew the gift was there and it had my name on it, but I still had to wait before I could even open it. As I struggled with her indecision, it made me come to realize why extramarital trysts were better suited as affairs than relationships because there were now expectations that left me overwhelmed emotionally and consumed mentally. My heart was now embroiled in her situation as my life slowly morphed into one of desperation as I struggled to find a balance between my love and work life. When the sun rose on Labor Day morning, my strategy of applying pressure by not applying pressure would be put to the test sooner than I expected.
7:49 a.m.
¡°Good morning! Happy Labor Day! Enjoy ur day! I love you forever!¡±
This text was the only one I would receive from her on Labor Day, and even as I felt I understood her position better, I still struggled when I didn¡¯t hear from her for the entire day. I tried desperately to not let it affect me, but it left me paralyzed; literally unable to move out of bed as I succumbed to the imagination of her surrounded by friends and family at a barbecue versus the reality of me surrounded by four walls bound to my bed past noon, afflicted by her love. For truly the first time ever, especially after our Saturday morning together, I felt more like a disease to her than the man she loved as I tried to just sleep off the negative thoughts on parade in my head. Her Labor Day disappearance though did present me with an opportunity to employ my new strategy of applying pressure without applying pressure. If I showed her lack of communication didn¡¯t bother me, I might have a better chance to receive the expectations I had now, and when she sent me a text later that evening, just three hours after I decided to finally get out of bed, it gave me the chance to put my plan into action.
8:53 p.m.
¡°Goodnight babe! Hope you had a nice Labor Day!¡±
When I read her text, it stung me not only because it was so closed ended, but it also felt she sent it out of courtesy and not love as it carried an obligatory feel after her missing in action status the entire day. I then began to reason if she knew me at all, and how sensitive I was now to any inconsistency she showed, she also sent it to escape the pressure like a quarterback in the pocket. As dismayed by it I was, I promised not to pressure her, as I now aimed to give her the impression her perceived day of fun without me on her mind did not affect me at all.
ME: ¡°I had a great day! I hope u did too! Goodnight!¡±
After our conversations over the last few days, how could she suddenly disappear on someone who never did on her? To not find a way to text ¡°I miss you¡± one time during the day, like she usually did, but instead send a closed ended text at the end of the day out of obligation? I felt her goodnight text out of courtesy was the most discourteous and heartless one she had ever sent me. It even felt as if it carried the mystique of a politician, and an act of politic, a necessary evil I didn¡¯t care much for, was the last thing I thought Anya¡¯s love for me would ever resemble. After I sent my text, I prepared to sleep off the hollow feelings her silence throughout the day left me with, until she responded.
9:14 p.m.
¡°Had a great day thanks. Exhausted! Going to turn in early. I love you!¡±
When Anya failed to add an exclamation point to her ¡°had a great day thanks¡±, I knew she was hurt I seemed to have a great day without her, and of course I immediately felt bad as I hated to make any kind of chess move on her feelings. The day though was an incredibly hard one for me as I wasted an entire day off unable to get out of bed. Her boisterous silence just amounted to a great deal of frustration on my end as it left me to think only negatively about our future. The ¡°I love you!¡± at the end appeared to be a feeler to see how I would respond so I decided not to and instead left something more to her imagination about my day and how it made me feel. I believed she should have known by now how much her silence would affect me especially after how I reacted during the week that even had me question her love. I had to understand she had grown accustomed to my longing so this time around I let her wonder if I did for once as times of silence like Labor Day led me to wonder if she really wanted to be with me at all.
The next morning, she texted me earlier than she had the past week as she tried to illicit an emotional response from me to get us back on solid ground.
8:08 a.m.
¡°Good morning! I miss ¡°our beach¡±. I missed you all day yesterday. Did u stay up late writing? Where r u today?¡±
I knew an unreturned ¡°I love you¡± from me might shake her up a little as she loaded her line with a delectable bait and tossed it in my dark waters to discover if I stayed up late enough to see it then respond in kind. Even though she told me to not take ¡°this lightly¡± I thought her words went both ways, and to go an entire day without any communication, a channel we both tapped into throughout every day, it felt like she took my feelings for her lightly. Did she believe I should have entered into our relationship with a mindset to just enjoy sex with her and with no real chance of ever being together regardless how many times she told me ¡°I love you¡± during the act itself? I solely went into this with all of my heart and the promise she made me to be together if she fell in love with me as I felt I¡¯ve been nothing but patient and kind, just like love was supposed to do; to give her ample time to figure it out. For a woman who missed me all day yesterday, I reasonably expected a couple more texts than just the three texts she sent me on Labor Day, a day we both had off, if she really wanted to be with me.
After I told the absolute truth that I missed her all day as well, and went to bed early, my bad feelings about Labor Day began to melt away as she made a very ambitious and sweet effort to make it up to me. In her texts she sent me throughout the day I could tell she realized her Labor Day absence wasn¡¯t right as she desperately tried to show me how much she missed me and wanted to be with me. I trusted her heartfelt effort even more so because it marked the last day of summer for her kids as they were back in school the next morning, and she could have easily disappeared on this day as well. As challenging as the summer was for both of us, even with all the frustration and misunderstandings, it gave us both an opportunity to grow as a couple, to not only better understand what we expected but also what we both deserved from one another. With her kids back in school, I felt the fall would provide us with a chance to get back in touch with our feelings of safety and the reasons why we found each other.
As the day rapidly progressed, the texts she sent me rivaled any she had sent before, and I genuinely felt her love through each of them as they no longer felt like a courtesy but rather like an apology without having to say ¡°I¡¯m sorry¡±. Most surprisingly, she even remembered the significance of the second day of the month.
9:50 a.m.
¡°I love you babe. I¡¯ve known you for 15 months!¡±
ME: ¡°The fastest 15 months of my life!¡±
ANYA: ¡°No kidding right! It¡¯s been fun!¡±
ME: ¡°It¡¯s been everything.¡±
ANYA: ¡°It has baby. I love you.¡±
I responded with an ¡°I love you¡± to her this time around, and even though I felt bad about not returning her ¡°I love you¡± the previous night, mine were always heartfelt, never sent as an obligation nor sent to get a response to see where I stood. Also on this particular day, I had an appointment in downtown Los Angeles at the offices of a client to review some work papers with my audit team. Even as I conducted a fraud interview with our client¡¯s Controller, I couldn¡¯t fully concentrate nor control my thoughts as they naturally drifted away to Anya when I felt my phone vibrate inside my pocket. When I finally finished my set of questions, I anxiously excused myself to read her text.
4:33 p.m.
¡°Hi handsome!¡±
ME: ¡°Hi Beautiful! Did you get the dresses you ordered?¡±
ANYA: ¡°Ur so sweet to ask! Well I got a confirmation they were shipped today. My perfect shoes were shipped too! Wish I could model them for you. R u home now?¡±
ME: ¡°Happy for you! I have about an hour left here, but I¡¯ll be stuck in traffic for sure.¡±
As the clock mercifully signaled the end of my day and while I was left on a roadway surrounded by motionless painted metal and rubber tires, I heard my phone rattle inside my car¡¯s cup holder.
7:29 p.m.
¡°I love you baby.¡±
Her sweet text actually made the traffic jam tolerable for me as the Anya I fell in love with made an unexpected cameo appearance; the one I so recently fought for who needed me as badly as I needed her. All throughout the day, one that marked our fifteen months of love and friendship, she made me feel keenly aware of my importance in her life, a sense of safety I desperately needed from her. When she told me she wished she could model her dresses and shoes for me, it meant a lot, as she once again told me ¡°I love you.¡± without saying it. If given the choice, I would have easily forfeited ten years from my life for just a moment like that as I was certain Jackson could have cared less about something I not only cared about but meant the world to me; her happiness.
ME: ¡°I love you too. I¡¯m at a complete dead stop right now. The traffic is horrendous.¡±
ANYA: ¡°I know what you mean. When I used to work at Harbor City (Research) I had to drive to Westwood (UCLA) once a week and I remember the traffic.¡±
ME: ¡°Did you go through the nursing program at Harbor City? I think they have one of the best nursing programs in the whole country. Very highly regarded.¡±
ANYA: ¡°No, trained at UCI. How do u know about the program at Harbor City?¡±
ME: ¡°A friend I used to work with was going through it. Did you ever intern?¡±
ANYA: ¡°I did my nursing internship at UCI & Hoag. Worked at Harbor in research after I left Hoag UCI.¡±
ME: ¡°Very cool babe! Well, it finally looks like traffic is starting to move a little now. Would you believe the accident was on the other side of the freeway yet it¡¯s my side that¡¯s backed up? Oh well, I hope no one was badly hurt. Anyway, I better go! Goodnight! I love you!¡±
ANYA: ¡°Love you too! Good night!¡±
I quickly put the phone away in my car¡¯s center console as the painted metal and rubber tires around me began to move. I could honestly say it was the first time I ever enjoyed my time spent in traffic as I learned more about Anya¡¯s nursing career, one I hoped she was still open to pursue as it gave me hope she had plans for a future together.
The following day, the third day of September, was the first day back to school for her kids. It was undoubtedly a big day for her son, Andrew, who started his first day of middle school, an event Anya told me he was really excited about. Even though it was a new school for him, he had his big sister there in her final year to acclimate him to his new surroundings and to help integrate him in, and although she could be too cool to do so, like most older brothers and sisters could be, Katie had a good relationship with her little brother and was too mature to leave him there to figure things out on his own. One of the things I really admired about her kids was how well they got along with each other. Anya told me they never fought and several times shared with me how much Andrew held his sister in reverence so I had no doubt his day would be easier on him because of their bond. I never heard from Anya the entire day and even though it naturally affected me because I missed her, it was something I expected. When I didn¡¯t hear from her until well after three that afternoon, and even though I found it a little odd, I still didn¡¯t feel anything close to how I felt on Labor Day as I easily understood this school change was new to her as well.
3:18 p.m.
¡°Hi! Hope ur having a good day!¡±
Her short and concise text pacified my missing as I thought it was nice of her to let me know she had me in her thoughts regardless of what had to be a frantic day for her.
ME: ¡°Hi! How r u? I hope you¡¯re having a good day too!¡±
After I sent my text, well over an hour elapsed before she responded.
4:50 p.m.
¡°I am! Busy. I¡¯m sure u r too.¡±
Today was a busy day for me as well as I was more focused on my work with the expectation I wouldn¡¯t hear from her much, but just minutes after I arrived home from the office my phone began to vibrate then slither along my kitchen countertop.
5:52 p.m.
¡°Where r u?¡±
ME: ¡°I¡¯m at home now. Where r u?¡±
ANYA: ¡°I¡¯m waiting for Katie to get out of dance. I have 10 min. Call me.¡±
As soon as I received her message, I called.
¡°Hi.¡± she said, sounding reluctant when she answered.
¡°How¡¯s it going?¡± I asked not knowing what to expect.
¡°My husband confronted me this morning.¡± she informed me. ¡°He wants to talk about what I¡¯m going through.¡±
¡°Okay.¡± I responded. ¡°What did you tell him?¡±
I didn¡¯t know how to handle this sudden dramatic turn of events, but I knew one thing was certain without a doubt--the way she responded would swiftly determine if she truly wanted to be with me.
CHAPTER 10 ~ THE COMMON DENOMINATOR
¡°Love recognizes no barriers. It jumps hurdles, leaps fences, penetrates walls to arrive at its destination full of hope.¡±
~ Maya Angelou
As I awaited her response, all I could think about was how torn I became after all my criticism of Anya for being torn. I knew I wanted to be with her, this desire never in question, however the timing was imperative. She would come into a less than ideal situation for her and the kids if she left him at this time, and as badly as I wanted her to be with me, my frustration only existed because I wanted a promise, one I felt I deserved from her; a promise we both deserved. If Jackson were to find out Landyn Lastman was the culprit at this time, and as much as I believed Clyde and the firm had my back, they would undoubtedly lose its largest client and potential business from others. This sober reality, a truth I could not escape from if Jackson found out, would fall solely upon my shoulders as my promotion hung in the balance, and if I lost my chance to be a partner at a very successful CPA firm, I¡¯d also lose Anya as it would then become a decision to leave him I would never allow her to make. It wouldn¡¯t be fair to anyone, especially her kids as I couldn¡¯t take care of them the way I hoped to. In the same breath, I also believed things sometimes had a funny way of working out in life, but all I could really hope for at our most critical hour was that she didn¡¯t deny her feelings for me.
¡°I told him okay.¡± she responded. ¡°He wants to talk after Katie¡¯s Bat Mitzvah.¡±
¡°What do you think made him want to talk to you all of a sudden?¡± I asked.
¡°He told me I haven¡¯t been the same for almost a year. That I haven¡¯t been there physically, emotionally or mentally.¡± she said. ¡°I think he may have concrete evidence of our relationship.¡±
¡°But this has been going on for nine months. I mean, why now? Why hang this over your head just before Katie¡¯s Bat Mitzvah?¡± I wondered aloud. ¡°How could he go an entire nine months without you being there physically, emotionally and mentally if his marriage truly meant anything to him? I don¡¯t get it.¡±
¡°I know.¡± she said.
I was dismayed at Jackson for confronting her so close to Katie¡¯s Bat Mitzvah. If he waited nine whole months before he was brave enough to confront her, why not wait another ten or so days until after the Bat Mitzvah to spring it on her? Emotional abuse was his game though, the weapon of choice for all narcissists, as again, Anya was so conditioned to his abusive behavior, she couldn¡¯t recognize his method anymore. If there were no kids involved, I would have immediately drove to her house and taken her right from under his nose. Whenever I thought of his abusive habits toward the woman I loved more than life, I never considered my own. Jackson could confront me about anything and I would challenge him head on as I knew no fear when it came to showing my love for Anya. My money was where my mouth and my heart were. I also knew if there were no kids involved, no confrontation would be necessary because she would have been out his door and at the foot of mine after this confrontation. Still, I wondered now more than ever if her love for me would stand up once and for all as if I ever doubted she loved me, this moment right here would determine if she truly did.
¡°Do the girls know?¡± I asked with some reluctance.
¡°They do.¡±
¡°What did you tell them?¡±
¡°I told them ¡°I love Landyn.¡± And I¡¯d be ok.¡± she said. ¡°They couldn¡¯t believe how calm I was.¡±
A smile broke upon my face like a sunrise over a dark horizon as her answer nearly left me in tears, and it was good to know I was wrong to ever question her love for me. Not only was it the response I wanted to hear from her but exactly what I needed to hear from her at the most critical time of our relationship.
¡°I really believe we would be.¡± I said. ¡°I would never steer you in the wrong direction, babe.¡±
¡°I know we would. I know you wouldn¡¯t. I trust you. I love you.¡±
¡°I love you too.¡± I said.
Anya had created a crisis situation in her life, a self-fulfilling prophecy for her, and as much as this was likely the end game, it was also a desired result crafted by the universe. I just felt so proud of her; that her response was consistent with all she ever told me about her feelings as she finally paid attention to herself. Although the dark lonely nights at times filled me with doubt, I knew her well enough to know she preferred a truthful life over one of deceit, and even if she and I were to never be, and as much as it would break my heart if she ended up with someone else, in time I¡¯d be proud of her because she chose the truth. I truly cared about her happiness and the importance for her to pursue a truthful life that much as I felt my duty on this earth was to help Anya at least live in the light of the truth if we were never meant to be together.
I wondered how Jackson would handle his threat to her, and that¡¯s exactly what this was; a threat to destroy her happiness. She wasn¡¯t in love with him. She didn¡¯t want to be with him. I guess it wasn¡¯t clear enough for him as the reason why she hasn¡¯t been there, and why would she after all he¡¯s put her through? Did she have that obligation all because he carried the title of husband even though he never acted like one? I guess as long as he wore his ring and took care of his kids, it was good enough for the title. The truth was he would never ask her for a divorce, he would instead force her to play the bad guy. He wanted the kids to believe it was mommy, not daddy, who broke the family up, and not the gross disrespectful actions he took to make that happen. With a reckless abandon, he psychotically yearned to play the role of ¡°victim¡± when the victim was truly Anya, as he could care less about her happiness and more about the retention of his image and his wealth. As much as he wanted to paint the picture of the wonderful father who fought to keep his family together, and he certainly was a decent father because he had the money to be one, I knew better because it came at the expense of the one he promised to honor and cherish forever yet failed miserably to do so. The saddest thing was, most people would choose to see the former more than anything else, and instead paint me as the monster who tried to wreck a family instead of saving a life who deserved to be saved.
9:04 p.m.
¡°It was nice to hear your voice. Thanks for calling me. Goodnight love. I miss u, I love u.¡±
We talked on the phone for twenty minutes as they were probably the most informative and substantial twenty minutes spent in my life with anyone, and when the next day came, I began to realize the moment of truth was now closer than ever. I then morphed into a guilty being when I questioned her love for me just days prior. To hear him tell her he wanted to talk to her about what ¡°she was going through¡± told me she couldn¡¯t hide her emotions from him as she even tried desperately to avoid him but at the same time, it only gave herself away. It was the part of her I loved the most; not the physical beauty she beheld in my eyes, but the honesty when she recognized she couldn¡¯t hide behind her smile. I didn¡¯t believe Jackson knew I was his wife¡¯s lover. I would have heard something from someone at the firm or sense a difference in their demeanor around me as everything just seemed too normal to get a sense he knew ¡°Landman¡± was the culprit. It didn¡¯t mean he lacked concrete evidence such as a text from either Anya or even myself, but I felt safe he had no idea it was me. At the same time though, if Anya were to leave him upon his revelation after Katie¡¯s Bat Mitzvah, he would soon learn the identity of Anya¡¯s heart and the truth behind her disappearance as this realization led me to hasten my search for new clients to cover the firm¡¯s client crater if Jackson were to take his business elsewhere.
That afternoon, on my lunch break, against all I ever tried to do, I felt it was important to initiate texts with Anya to increase her safety level, and I did just that as I returned the love she normally gave to me.
ME: ¡°Just thinking of you. I love you.¡±
I then held my breath while I awaited a response, and I was in no danger of turning blue as only five seconds passed before I heard back from her.
ANYA: ¡°Was thinking of you too! I love you baby. I miss our closeness.¡±
ME: ¡°I miss our closeness too. We¡¯re one person now. Did you get your dresses yet? If you did, have you picked one out yet? How about those perfect shoes?¡±
ANYA: ¡°We are one. I wish I could see u. I miss you terribly. Yes, I got my dresses! I think I picked the one I want to wear too! It¡¯s simple but who needs fancy when you have perfect shoes!¡±
ME: ¡°I wish I could see u too. You make a simple dress look fancy simply because you¡¯re so beautiful. There is nothing you can wear and not look anything but exquisite in.¡±
ANYA: ¡°Thank you. You¡¯re always so complimentary. I love you Landyn.¡±
ME: ¡°Well, it¡¯s easy to be so complimentary when it¡¯s so true. I don¡¯t think there¡¯s anything special about me because I¡¯m just stating the facts here. I love you forever.¡±
ANYA: ¡°You are special! Never met anyone like you! I love it! Ok! I better go! I love you forever!¡±
Whenever I had exchanges with Anya such as these, it always gave me the drive to focus harder at work as I sensed a future together closer than ever before. As the day rolled on, so did my thoughts of her as we found ourselves on the same frequency.
4:18 p.m.
¡°I love you.¡±
As I read her uninitiated random out of the blue text, I never felt so alive as I realized at such an integral moment I needed Anya to do these exact things, and she delivered in breathtaking fashion as she showed me the very essence of love; a sensation we all innately lived for and even died for. I then stopped time in its tracks within my mind so I could just sit back and recognize I just reached the zenith of my emotional existence.
Later that evening, I went to visit my mother who was home alone and hunkered down in her pink recliner as she watched another one of her favorite movies ¡°You¡¯ve Got Mail¡±. When I noticed what was on her twenty five inch tube screen, something the neighbors probably knew as well since the volume had to be at its maximum level, I could only state the obvious.
¡°I think I know why you love this movie so much.¡± I stated.
¡°Oh yeah? Why?¡± she asked as she extended a white ceramic bowl to me. ¡°Want some popcorn?¡±
¡°No thanks.¡± I said. ¡°Well, two reasons. The common denominator.¡±
¡°Okay. I don¡¯t know what a common dedominator is but what are they? I¡¯m waiting.¡±
¡°Tom Hanks¡and Meg Ryan¡± I said. ¡°Dedominator? Where¡¯d you get ¡°dedominator¡± from? It¡¯s ¡°denominator¡± and I even said it less than two seconds before you repeated it.¡±
¡°Huh? I don¡¯t know what you¡¯re talking about but I love them!¡± she said. ¡°Did you know they¡¯re both in ¡°Sleepless in Seattle?¡±
¡°Are they really?¡± I deadpanned.
¡°Yes!¡± she lively exclaimed. ¡°They both are!¡±
¡°What a coinky dink!¡± I joked. ¡°Mom, I may be crazy but¡I think I would know that by now. Don¡¯t ya think?¡±
¡°Well, I don¡¯t know. You don¡¯t pay attention sometimes.¡±
¡°I¡¯d have to possess the single worst case of ADD in modern medical history if that¡¯s the case.¡±
¡°Look at how cute they are together? It¡¯s hard to believe they¡¯re acting. They have good chemistry between them.¡± she said as she pointed at her television screen. ¡°Do you think you and Anya have good chemistry?¡±
¡°Ha!¡± I shot genuinely surprised by her question. ¡°I wouldn¡¯t be in her life if it was anything less than extraordinary, Mom.¡±
¡°I figured. I¡¯m your mother. I know how picky you are.¡±
¡°I wouldn¡¯t have been in her life a day if I didn¡¯t believe we had something really special considering the circumstances.¡±
¡°How is she?¡±
¡°She¡¯s good.¡± I said. ¡°We¡¯ve been kind of going through some growing pains together but I think we¡¯re stronger now than ever before.¡±
¡°I hope you haven¡¯t been giving her too much grief.¡±
¡°I have been. More than I should.¡±
¡°Oh Landy, you have to stop.¡±
¡°I know. I¡¯m working on it.¡± I said. ¡°Her husband confronted her the other day. He wants to talk to her about what she¡¯s ¡°going through¡± after their daughter¡¯s Bat Mitzvah.¡±
¡°Did he really? When¡¯s that?¡±
¡°Ten days from now.¡±
¡°Are you worried? What do you think she will do?¡±
¡°At first I thought she would withdraw and try to end our relationship, but she¡¯s shown me more love than ever before. She even calmly told her friends she would be okay because she would be with me.¡± I said. ¡°I¡¯m actually more hopeful about us being together than ever before.¡±
¡°Do you think you guys would make it if she left?¡± she asked. ¡°What about her children? You know how I think about them.¡±
¡°I have no doubts we would. We¡¯re meant to be together, and I think she intends for us to be together, one day. I just didn¡¯t know it could happen this soon.¡± I said. ¡°I worry about her children too, but I worry about Anya and her unhappiness just as much. If her mental well-being isn¡¯t intact I don¡¯t know how the mental well-being of her kids could be as well. It all depends on her husband. If he makes Anya¡¯s life hell on earth, the kids would suffer more than anyone, but he¡¯s selfish enough to do that if his ego is compromised.¡±
¡°I¡¯d love to meet her one day. I¡¯ve always wanted a daughter in law.¡± she said. ¡°I just worry about her kids.¡±
¡°So does she, Mom.¡± I said. ¡°More than anyone. It¡¯s why I love her so much. I couldn¡¯t have loved her if she didn¡¯t worry about them too. That¡¯s why I want her to hold off until after my promotion in June, then I know they¡¯ll be okay because I can take care of all of them. She even doesn¡¯t have to work if she doesn¡¯t want to.¡±
¡°Have you told her about your promotion?¡±
¡°I can¡¯t because of the non-disclosure agreement I signed.¡± I said. ¡°It¡¯s too risky; her husband is our biggest client.¡±
¡°Why did you tell me if you¡¯re bound by a non-disclosure agreement?¡±
¡°Well, you created me for one so that makes you sort of exempt.¡± I said. ¡°But mostly because you never leave the house so you have no contact with the outside world.¡±
¡°I guess you got a point.¡±
Before my mother could ask me another question, I suddenly felt my phone vibrate in my pocket, and I hardy waited a second before I removed it for view as I anticipated one of the best days of my life would continue.
6:03 p.m.
¡°How was ur day? At your mom¡¯s?¡±
ME: ¡°It was great thanks to all your sweet texts! I am! How was ur day, babe? I miss you.¡±
ANYA: ¡°Oops. Sorry. Enjoy ur visit! I miss you too!¡±
ME: ¡°No babe! Its ok! My mom is watching a movie anyway! How was your day? What r u up to? R u home?¡±
ANYA: ¡°Oh ok. My day was busy but manageable. No. Driving the kids back and forth from tutor, soccer, dance, blah! blah! blah! Andrew made a plus club through AYSO. First game is this Saturday. On my way home to start dinner and then homework. How is your mom? Is she using her hand now?¡±
After I read Anya¡¯s text, I looked over at my mom who now had her gauzed hand deep in the bowl of buttered popcorn.
ME: ¡°Oh yeah. She is definitely able to use her hand. She¡¯s doing good, babe. Thank you for asking.¡±
ANYA: ¡°She¡¯s your mom, very special. I respect her b/c she raised an amazing person. I have a soft spot for her. I miss you.¡±
ME: ¡°Thank you, but if I¡¯m amazing it¡¯s only because you bring the amazing out of me. There hasn¡¯t been a second that goes by since the last time I saw you when I haven¡¯t missed you.¡±
ANYA: ¡°I miss you every second too baby. We are, we are¡goodnight. I love you.¡±
ME: ¡°Yes we are. Without question. Goodnight. I love you too.¡±
As I stuffed my phone away and a huge smile broke justice upon my face, my mother shot me a glance as she turned her attention away from her ¡°You¡¯ve Got Mail¡± fix.
¡°Popcorn, honey?¡± she asked as she extended the half full bowl to me.
¡°Okay.¡± I said as I grabbed a handful of popcorn. ¡°You got me. I¡¯ll stay and finish watching this movie with you.¡±
¡°I knew you¡¯d come around.¡±
¡°Hey. It¡¯s Tom Hanks and Meg Ryan. What¡¯s there not to love?¡±
¡°That¡¯s right! My favorites!¡± she exclaimed as she turned her attention back to a movie that brought her as much joy as she had in life. ¡°The common dedominator!¡±
The next day fell on a Friday, and I got the best night of sleep I had in months as I felt closer to Anya than ever before. My strategy of a ¡°little less of everything¡± was now out the window as I put the contingency plan of ¡°catching the one who fell for me¡± in place. With every heartfelt text she sent me, like rain from a heavy cloud, the more I felt the need to be there for her to make sure she felt safe with all the love she showered me with.
1:41 p.m.
¡°I miss you so much. Lovesick I am.¡±
ME: ¡°It must be contagious. I¡¯m missing you more than I usually do and that¡¯s saying a lot. I¡¯m having a harder time than usual today for some reason. The universe must know something I don¡¯t.¡±
ANYA: ¡°Me too! It¡¯s so hard sometimes. I miss ur kiss and ur touch. Somedays are harder. Today is hard. Idk why but it is.¡±
ME: ¡°Do you think it¡¯s because the kids are in school and you have more time alone? I know how I get sometimes when I¡¯m alone which might explain my behavior sometimes.¡±
ANYA: ¡°Oh I see. Idk maybe just hormones plus I miss you like crazy.¡±
ME: ¡°I miss you like crazy too.¡±
ANYA: ¡°I resent the fact I can¡¯t be with you. I look for someone to blame and it makes me sad to know I¡¯m to blame.¡±
Her last text was one of those that hung in midair for me, and as much as I wanted desperately for her to listen to herself, I also knew she had it harder than I did at times because she was also in a fight against big things, like other people, kids, a business and false perceptions. Things that simply weighed heavier than these four silent walls at my apartment did. As much as I pushed her to listen to herself. As much as I implored her to do the right thing and leave her marriage behind, at the same time, this text told me she also needed me to comfort her, and not just bombard her with the obvious on how she could end her struggle.
ME: ¡°Don¡¯t be so hard on yourself, babe. It¡¯s not easy what you¡¯re going through. Don¡¯t blame yourself because no one in your position would have it easy. You¡¯re pulled in so many directions and you have to be careful about this. It¡¯s important for you to be thoughtful, not impulsive, and I¡¯m not going anywhere so don¡¯t be hard on yourself. I¡¯m on your side here, and even though you may not think so at times, I do understand for the most part what you¡¯re up against.¡±
ANYA: ¡°When u think about it, it really is my fault we¡¯re not together though. Big chicken.¡±
ME: ¡°Hey. You text that, not me!¡±
ANYA: ¡°It¡¯s the truth babe.¡±
ME: ¡°You¡¯re being smart about this. You¡¯re not running away but figuring out a way to face it, and that takes time to build the courage to do. Our love has a much better chance of working out if you took some time than if you were to just run. As much as it pains me, and you know how much it does, I think it¡¯s a good thing because I want you to come into a good situation, not a less than ideal one, but I must admit I really miss getting lost in you. I think that¡¯s why today has been so difficult. My eyes are lost without you in them.¡±
ANYA: ¡°That¡¯s a beautiful thought. Maybe I can sneak away for a bit late Sunday morning? Let me know if that works.¡±
ME: ¡°Ok¡let me see if that works. Ok, I looked into it. It works! I have a lot to share with you. Thoughts I want to talk with you about in person.¡±
ANYA: ¡°Ha! Ok! I¡¯ll try my best!¡±
Even though the tone of her texts suggested she wanted to see me, I never expected it, but it seemed I would as my weekend now had a chance of being a good one. Later that evening, Anya had plans to go out with her friends for a mutual friend¡¯s birthday celebration. As her night wound down, a night which I definitely didn¡¯t expect to hear from her, she sent me a text that made me anticipate Sunday even more than I already did.
11:12 p.m.
¡°Tomorrow will be two weeks since the Best Morning ever! Goodnight! I love you!¡±
In life, most mornings just come and go, and are usually dreaded when they arrive to beckon us from the night, but there was this one morning two weeks prior I¡¯d never forget for as long as I lived, and for her to hold it in such reverence at such a crucial time in our relationship, it allowed me to enjoy another needed good night of REM sleep. When another morning made its appearance, a part of the day I now loved more than the night, she gave me more of a reason to fall in love with it.
7:49 a.m.
¡°Good morning handsome!¡±
Just like when I used the word ¡°beautiful¡± to describe her, this adjective hung in mid-air for me, but I guess we were all beautiful and handsome to someone in life who truly made us feel that way. Her son had a big soccer game in Newport Beach on this particular Saturday yet she still found time to confirm our meeting plans for ten thirty the following morning. I had a lot of things I wanted to tell her, things I needed to communicate in person so she could feel a greater sense of safety as the ¡°talk¡± with her husband about what she was ¡°going through¡± weighed heavily on my mind. It¡¯s nice to read things from a text, but I felt safer when we spoke face to face. Even though I didn¡¯t hear much from her on Saturday, I was too elated about getting a chance to see her on Sunday to let it get me down.
When she arrived at my gate that Sunday morning, on time as always, the sun shone brilliantly upon her tan skin as it glistened upon her pristine dark hair and dazzled within her soft dark eyes. After I took her in with every sense I had, I told her she looked ¡°beautiful as always¡± as she adorned a yellow top, the first time I ever noticed a woman adorned in such a color that made a huge fashion statement. The combination of Anya¡¯s sense of fashion, her scent, vibrant soft skin, healthy dark hair and uniquely sweet voice rendered me in a state of desperate desire to have her in my arms. Thankfully, she felt the same way about me as we found ourselves on my bed once again, in each other¡¯s arms right upon our entry into my apartment. We then fed each other sensually as our pent up emotions met our affection head on. As much as I wanted to make love to her, even as I felt more than I dreamt I could ever feel for one person, I suddenly feared all the emotions and the pressure that may follow if I did.
¡°What¡¯s wrong?¡± she asked. ¡°Are you okay?¡±
¡°I¡¯m fine babe.¡± I said as I kissed her lips to reassure her. ¡°I¡¯m always fine when I¡¯m with you.¡±
¡°Why¡¯d you stop?¡±
¡°I have to respect your time, babe.¡±
¡°Thank you.¡± she said as she understood. ¡°I only have an hour, and it would be quick.¡±
¡°I don¡¯t think that¡¯s fair to you. To share something so special then you have to run. It makes it seem like that¡¯s all I wanted from you.¡± I said. ¡°I¡¯m just happy you¡¯re here.¡±
¡°Have you started writing the book yet?¡±
¡°Not yet. I write in my journal every night to build on ideas for the book though.¡± I said. ¡°I missed you last night.¡±
¡°I missed you last night too.¡± she said as she seemed to get lost in my eyes. ¡°I don¡¯t think I¡¯m happy about the whole situation.¡±
Every visit seemed to bring a surprise from Anya, as I didn¡¯t know how to interpret her unhappiness about the ¡°whole situation¡±, but when she told me this, I knew I had to address it to erase any misunderstanding on my end. When I couldn¡¯t think of the words to present to her though, she offered me a follow-up question.
¡°Are you feeling the same?¡±
¡°I don¡¯t know. Can you specify?¡± I asked. ¡°I don¡¯t want to misinterpret anything.¡±
¡°Same stuff.¡± she said. ¡°I¡¯m not happy I have to be here for the sake of the kids and I¡¯m not happy about shaking them up if I go with you. Just not happy about the whole thing.¡±
¡°Oh. I see. I understand.¡±
My past now charged its way to the front door in an effort to crash my heart¡¯s party as the positive vibes I felt earlier began to erode. I couldn¡¯t blame her at all for not wanting to shake up her kids, but it suddenly appeared she would be less than okay if she ended up with Landyn after Jackson¡¯s impending dialogue with her. Without a doubt, if Anya chose to do what I felt was the right thing, not only would it shake her kids up, but nothing would be more unfair to them; two unsuspecting innocent souls who didn¡¯t deserve to be shaken up at all. I also believed Anya knew a shake-up would not endear me to Katie and Andrew as I tried to think positively of her revelation and from her point of view. At the same time though, I fought to strike a balance within as after nine months into a deep relationship it astonished me this was now a concern after being allowed to feel so much and being asked to fight for her. All I could do was rally for our love and remain respectful of her concern as I hoped my emotions and my past wouldn¡¯t get the best of me.
¡°I don¡¯t feel it was right for him to hang this talk right over your head days before Katie¡¯s Bat Mitzvah.¡± I said as I fought the urge to reveal I actually knew her husband. ¡°I mean, you¡¯re handling all the preparation for the event and it¡¯s stressful enough. If he¡¯s already waited nine months to finally care, I feel he should¡¯ve just waited until after. To at least show you some respect for all the work you¡¯ve put into it if he¡¯s truly concerned about what you¡¯re going through. You know the truth is¡our relationship really isn¡¯t about me, or even us; this is about you, and a basic need in life to feel safe. You¡¯re just not happy at all, Sweetheart.¡±
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¡°No, I¡¯m not.¡± she said as her eyes began to water.
¡°I have to point this out to you even though it makes me feel a little insecure.¡±
¡°What is it?¡± she asked with concern in her tone.
¡°You¡¯ve had a major star, Michael Buble, bring you up on stage and sing to you in front of thousands of people, and he didn¡¯t just sing one song then whisk you off stage. Instead he kept you up there, looked into your eyes and sang his entire set list to you. He basically told everyone in the crowd that night you were worthy enough to impress and try to win over. That¡¯s how beautiful you are and how captivating you can be though, and it doesn¡¯t surprise me he felt that way about you.¡±
¡°What are you trying to say?¡± she asked.
¡°I¡¯m just a regular guy, Anya. I can¡¯t sing or dance to save my life. I will never be famous and adored by people. I¡¯m nothing special nor spectacular to this world. I¡¯m not someone you would hurry to tell the world about yet I¡¯m the man in your life, not Michael Buble. I¡¯m the one you risked everything to take a chance with.¡± I said as her eyes never wavered from mine. ¡°That tells me everything I need to know about your unhappiness, and the one thing I¡¯ve learned about you over the last fifteen months that is absolutely true without question is the tremendous amount of love you have for your kids. I know you would¡¯ve never dreamt of risking their happiness if you believed your current situation was the best for them to be in. No one. Absolutely no one, in your situation and with all you¡¯ve dealt with for years should ever be made to feel guilty about pursuing happiness. You¡¯ve done nothing but prove how essential it is to have in your life.¡±
¡°Thank you, but babe¡¡± she said as her eyes still met mine as they seemed to fall deeper in them. ¡°You¡¯re not just a regular guy to me.¡±
¡°If that¡¯s true and you truly feel that way about me, then maybe, just maybe, this ¡°shake-up¡± won¡¯t be as bad as you fear it could be. Or maybe your kids are stronger and more understanding than you think.¡± I said as I kissed her softly. ¡°or heaven forbid, maybe it just might be the best thing for everyone.¡±
I did have a lot to tell her before she arrived but when she detailed her unhappiness with the whole situation, it took me off track as I shared nothing I planned to say. As our time together ended, and as I blew out the last candle in my room, I began to fear the natural progression of grief that now awaited me every time she left my apartment but thankfully this high was on a time release as I received a text from her just ten minutes after she left me.
12:08 p.m.
¡°I had a great time! Thank you for keeping it light. I admit I was nervous. I love you.¡±
ME: ¡°I had a great time too! Thank you for making time to come see me. It was the best 60 minutes of the week. I know you have a lot on your mind, and I never mean to put more stress on you than you already have. You know where my heart stands. Being in bed with you helped keep things light. I love you too.¡±
ANYA: ¡°The bed always helps! I miss you baby!¡±
ME: ¡°I miss you too! Did you stop off somewhere before you went home?¡±
ANYA: ¡°I¡¯m having lunch with Carolyn and Debbie at the mall before I head home. We¡¯re going to shop for a little bit too. We¡¯re at a sushi bar right now having lunch. It called Tamori, and they have great food! Idk if you like Tofu (Soy) but they have a great tofu and tomato dish here.¡±
ME: ¡°I¡¯ll have to try that sometime. Ok, well have fun with the girls! Please tell them I said hello!¡±
ANYA: ¡°I will babe! Love you!¡±
I now felt a lot less lonely to know she was so close by and I thought about going to the mall just to surprise her but decided against it in case she needed to talk freely and privately with the girls. As my grief began its natural frolic through the poisonous poppy fields of my mind, she texted me again a little over two hours later.
2:22 p.m.
¡°Hi babe! We¡¯re still here. We¡¯re heading to Bloomingdales then I¡¯m going home. Wish we could sleep together.¡±
ME: ¡°I hope you¡¯re enjoying shopping with the girls! I wish we could sleep together too. The greatest feeling I¡¯ve ever known is when you fall asleep in my arms. I love you.¡±
ANYA: ¡°I love sleeping in your arms. So natural. I love you! Have a great evening! I miss you!
After I responded in kind to her last text, and put my phone away, I got caught in an undertow of sorrow as I realized another quiet dark night would fall upon me like a sharp blade, a cut I now learned to feel. After a long wait to meet the love of my life, I found myself in a state of postponement as my life seemed to morph from a dream into a cautionary tale. After an entire week of feeling her greatest love, I now felt discouraged as it seemed she constructed yet another barrier; the ¡°shaking up¡± of her children if she left him. I did feel for her kids though, and didn¡¯t want to shake them up as well, but at the same time, I didn¡¯t want them lied to as I believed they would hold it against Anya and even Jackson one day. I knew parents generally sheltered their kids, and I think it¡¯s the right thing to do in a truthful setting, but not a dishonest one. I further felt this presented an opportunity for Anya to not only teach them but to also prepare them for the universal truth about life for everyone; its unfairness. I would have understood Anya¡¯s martyrdom if I never existed the way I did in her life or if I pushed myself into it, but I knew she brought me here and even ran the entire show so it was hard for me to grasp the issue entirely even though it was an entirely legitimate issue. I really wanted her kids to like me but this fact remained; they would feel I was responsible for the shake up even though their father was truly the one behind it all. Anya also didn¡¯t want them to dislike me as well, so even though I felt discouraged by her revelation, it helped me to understand for the most part how she felt, and why at times she pulled away. She truly didn¡¯t want her kids to blame the man she loved for a shake up as I began to realize Anya¡¯s guilt about it and its shift of blame was a part of Jackson¡¯s master plan.
As I walked into my bedroom, I decided to watch a Jim Gaffigan comedy special on DVD to settle in for the night however I also noticed on my dresser, three painkillers I had forgotten I brought home from my mother¡¯s house. When I saw them, I contemplated taking all three at the same time to cover the hole I began to feel in my stomach, but suddenly my phone¡¯s distinct text ringtone diverted my flight off the runway of self-destruction.
9:30 p.m.
¡°Goodnight Landyn. I love you.¡±
After I read her text, I abandoned my planned demise and settled for just one pill as I began my descent into Sunday morning as her sweet words afforded me a few hearty laughs from Jim Gaffigan and most importantly, a good night of rest.
Early the next morning, and obviously two chess moves ahead of me, Anya felt compelled to share something I was aware of at certain times, but never crossed my mind the previous day after she left.
7:40 a.m.
¡°Good morning! I just wanted to explain something to you. I hope you don¡¯t think I don¡¯t want to spend time with you. I would have loved to have had more time with you yesterday. When I go to see you, I tell my family I¡¯m going shopping. I have to have an alibi. My friends will support me within reason and that¡¯s why they met me to cover me. I can¡¯t be gone too long of a period without a good reason. It¡¯s that way when you have kids. I almost always come home with a shopping bag b/c it¡¯s evidence. I hope you understand. I¡¯m not being insensitive. Just trying to keep it safe. I hope you had a nice evening. I love you, Landyn.¡±
ME: ¡°It¡¯s very sweet of you to make me aware of this babe. I didn¡¯t think you were being insensitive to me at all and I want you to play it safe. I know you love me and I know what you do to keep our contacts. Please thank Carolyn and Debbie for me for their understanding of what we both go through and how much we love each other.¡±
ANYA: ¡°I¡¯m glad you understand. I just wondered if you knew, that¡¯s all. I love spending time with you! It just gets tricky when the kids are home. The girls adore you. I miss u lots. Glad you had ¡°a lot to tell me¡± because it forced me to make time for us.¡±
ME: ¡°Well, I did have a lot to tell you but I decided to keep it light, babe especially after what you told me about your unhappiness. I just wanted you to feel safe in my feelings for you, that¡¯s all. We both know the grieving process makes it hard on us now.¡±
ANYA: ¡°Even though I¡¯m grieving right now, it was very nice to gaze into your eyes again. I love you.¡±
After I read her texts, I felt bad as it seemed she made arrangements with the girls to see me only because I allegedly had ¡°a lot¡± to tell her. I truly did initially until she shared her unhappiness with me, but if I had gone there and told her all the things I had to say, it might not have come out right, and pressure could then ensue. I promised her no more pressure, so I had to avoid conversations that could lead me there as I hoped she kept things light as well. I just had to trust in her love, and in the belief she didn¡¯t bring me into her life only to leave me wounded and forever scarred.
Later that day, a super busy Monday for her, I sent her a text to see how she was doing and what the night had in store for her.
5:07 p.m.
¡°Busy! Yes the usual tonight. I guess I¡¯m still grieving. Still glad I got to see you. Just need to get through this week so I can have my life back.¡±
ME: ¡°It¡¯s been a busy one for me too. I¡¯m in my grief throes too but loved seeing you yesterday. Take it easy, sweetheart. Things will get done.¡±
ANYA: ¡°Andrew had an attitude after school and so I didn¡¯t need it. My nanny was laughing at me b/c I tell her kids are overrated. She doesn¡¯t have kids.¡±
ME: ¡°Another reason I¡¯m okay with not having kids! Sorry to hear about your son giving you a hard time after school. I¡¯m sure my mom had her moments with me after school at times too. I¡¯m here for you if you ever need to vent babe.¡±
ANYA: ¡°You know I¡¯m partly kidding when I texted that right? The most wonderful love I¡¯ve experienced besides your love is the love they give me. They¡¯re my everything.¡±
ME: ¡°Any doubt in your love for them and the love they return to you never crossed my mind. We all have our days. What do you think bothered Andrew so much? Maybe he was just tired babe? New school. New challenges. I¡¯m sure he¡¯s a little overwhelmed. What you told me this morning never crossed my mind too. I know you would stay longer with me if you could.¡±
ANYA: ¡°Who knows what Andrew¡¯s problem was! It just seemed like to you I had the whole day off to play and I chose to spend it shopping and having lunch with my friends when that was not the case at all. I didn¡¯t want you to think I left you to go shopping. You know I would stay all day with you if I could.¡±
ME: ¡°I know you would babe, and whatever Andrew¡¯s attitude was today, don¡¯t let it bother you. Kids at the daycare gave me a hard time for no reason at all sometimes. I just chalked it up to them being human and they have good and bad days just like we do. You¡¯re a good mom. Andrew has no idea how lucky he is, but most kids don¡¯t realize all the things their parents do for them so it¡¯s easy for them to take things for granted. They shouldn¡¯t worry about adult issues anyway. They should enjoy being kids while they still are.¡±
ANYA: ¡°Thanks, I try to be a good mom.¡±
ME: ¡°You don¡¯t even have to try babe, you just are. More than they will ever know. I¡¯m sorry I stopped in the middle of our passion yesterday. I wanted you. I guess I feared the grieving process would be greater if I went there.¡±
ANYA: ¡°I wanted you too. I was afraid as well because of last time. It took a while to recover from that morning. The pain was too great. I love every moment with you. I miss you baby.¡±
ME: ¡°Every moment means everything to me. I miss you too.¡±
When we ended our text exchange, and the grieving process resumed, I realized this was love in its highest, most serious form. A form not many people were brave enough to experience and from all I felt, I fully understood why. I believed Jackson would not ask Anya for a divorce when he talked to her. He would instead simply ask her to make a choice, and if she chose to be with me, he would then demonize her as someone who loved me more than her own children rather than it being a healthy decision to simply love herself to escape the mental and emotional abuse she endured from him over the years. What appalled me the most was he knew she was not in love with him, as he even admitted she was not there for him but for the kids, so there was simply no choice to give her. To give her a choice in this matter with his knowledge of her lack of feelings for him, he would only give her a choice in jest, like Darth Vader when he told Lando Calrissian in ¡°The Empire Strikes Back¡± that perhaps he felt he was being treated unfairly as Jackson gave her no choice at all even if he claimed to. If he truly loved her, and truly cared about her mental well-being or as he put it ¡°what she was going through¡±, he simply would have cared enough about her happiness to not make it a choice for her at all. He loved her so much though, he offered her his business, something she didn¡¯t need nor want, and instead threatened to take the one thing she loved more than anything else in this world, her children. Jackson was a gamer in every sense of the word, and he did not play by any set of rules that weren¡¯t his own or that he didn¡¯t choose to create. I was up for the challenge he posed to our love and Anya¡¯s happiness, but I somehow had to find a way to make Anya aware of his tactics and his coercion of fear to neutralize her in an effort to destroy our love for each other. As I now began to see a couple of chess moves ahead, I found it hard to believe just a few months ago, Jackson was a man I admired so much for his business acumen and overall success. Little did I know I would come to realize it was not brilliance I saw but rather the product of an infestation of arrogance and narcissism. That Jackson¡¯s love for himself was so great he could only be empathetic to himself even after he destroyed another man¡¯s marriage and his own wife¡¯s happiness in life. My fight for love was much more than being about bettering Anya¡¯s life, but this was also, possibly on an even greater scale, about destroying the false entity that was Jackson Caiaphas.
I then began to despise politicians more than ever before as I found it strangely ironic another one found a way into my life. Were most politicians like Jackson Caiaphas though? Perceived public servants out to serve themselves more than the public it served? Instead out to further their personal brand and business interests than the greater public good? Did they all take advantage of the public trust or was this breach of trust an addiction? If they couldn¡¯t remain faithful to their wives, how could they ever feel a sense of faithful duty to the public they served? As I pondered these questions, I found myself immersed in a bigger picture. A much greater one beyond what I could possibly comprehend when I asked Anya what she needed from me nine months ago. Now here I was, fully engaged in the middle of silent but enraged lions, thrown into the ring to take on a possible budding American empire that displayed the misdirection our society had begun to spin downward into. A place so dark and so foreboding I would lose myself forever armed only with love, something they truly didn¡¯t believe in, as my only defense against an entity that only waited to deceive, pounce and devour me. And all I could do was hold onto the belief Anya¡¯s love would keep me safe as I knew in the end without it, I would only be another meal.
Early the next morning she informed me she had a busy day ahead of her, but while I sat in a lunch meeting with the firm¡¯s partners and managers, I received an odd text from her.
12:08 p.m.
¡°Hello.¡±
When I read her message after my meeting ended an hour later, it struck me odd her ¡°hello¡± didn¡¯t follow with a ¡°babe¡± or an ¡°I miss you¡± or even an ¡°I love you¡± and it led me to believe Jackson may have confronted her. When I texted back to let her know why I wasn¡¯t able to respond quickly and to ask if everything was alright, she informed me of the intent of her text.
1:35 p.m.
¡°Sorry ur busy. It was just a hello that¡¯s all! Chat later! Xoxo!¡±
As this strangeness carried on, I didn¡¯t know what to think so I responded only in acknowledgement of the reason for her text. A couple of hours later though, she made me fully aware of its meaning.
3:38 p.m.
¡°R u busy for lunch tomorrow? I may have to go to SCP.¡±
ME: ¡°Not at all. I can come home for lunch at 11:45. Will that work?¡±
ANYA: ¡°Ok! Sorry don¡¯t have much time. Just wanted to see you. Idk if it¡¯s a good idea b/c we have to start the grieving process all over again. I miss you.¡±
ME: ¡°Well, I¡¯d rather see you than miss you even more than I already do. Thank you. I love you.¡±
ANYA: ¡°I feel the same way. Ur my addiction. I love you too.¡±
As her sweet text inspired me to finish the work day strong, she sent me another one later that evening as again it led me to believe Jackson may have confronted her.
9:26 p.m.
¡°R u there?¡±
ME: ¡°I¡¯m here.¡±
ANYA: ¡°Can you call me?¡±
In less than ten seconds I had the voice I loved so much to hear in my ear as I worried about the words from the mouth I loved to kiss that could lead me to pressure her.
¡°I went out to dinner for my friend¡¯s Lauren¡¯s birthday.¡± she said. ¡°I ended up eating a big fat pasta dish! You¡¯re favorite!¡±
I had forgotten about the story I shared with Anya about my experience with pasta. My mom used to cook it all the time when I was younger, and it was never tasty. As I tried to finish my dinner one night when I was about eight years old, a full plate of spaghetti with thick noodles and heavy Ragu sauce, I began to feel sick to my stomach so I put my fork down and my head in my hands. My Dad, who always wanted to see my plate empty, began to bark and told me I had to finish and it was disrespectful to my mother who made it for me not to. As my pleas went unheard, I forced myself to finish all I had left on the plate, but ten minutes later I promptly emptied the contents involuntarily into the toilet. I never told my parents about it. I didn¡¯t want my mother to think I didn¡¯t appreciate her cooking, but I never wanted pasta for dinner again. So for somewhat the same reason Anya, who was traumatized by a slaughterhouse documentary when she was younger decided to be a vegetarian, I became an antipastatarian.
¡°You¡¯re right, babe. It is my favorite!¡± I exclaimed. ¡°My favorite if I need to clean out my digestive system!¡±
¡°Haha! It was so good though! I think you might have liked it even though you hate pasta.¡±
¡°I probably would be open to it since I¡¯m sure the sauce doesn¡¯t stink of Ragu and the noodles don¡¯t resemble hardened arteries.¡±
¡°Ha! No this was fresh sauce and the noodles were so thin they melt inside your mouth, babe.¡± she said. ¡°Oh my god! If these walls could talk!¡±
¡°What do you mean?¡±
¡°We¡¯re talking about sex!¡±
¡°Oh!¡± I said.
¡°Yep!!!¡±
As much as I loved the topic of discussion, this information stung me as I knew she only really partook in ¡°sex¡± with one person, and that person wasn¡¯t me. It brought me right back to the night when she told me she still had sex with her husband but defended it by telling me ¡°It¡¯s only sex¡± to suggest there were no feelings or intimacy involved. I then began to think this conversation revolved around the enjoyment of sex without love, but any intimacy she experienced with anyone else, especially at this point in our relationship, was another reason for pressure I never intended to give her. This was one of those times I wished she had never mentioned a word, and it turned my stomach inside out as I tried to tell myself married sex was very different from what we shared. This fueled my speculation however, she had talked to Jackson and decided to stay for the sake of the kids; to choose a life of lies and unfounded fear instead of truth and true love. I even convinced myself she planned to tell me all about it on my lunch break, face to face the next day, the sole reason she wanted to meet and why her ¡°hello¡± was so awkward. During the rest of the conversation she thankfully didn¡¯t divulge any details of their discussion, and when she had to run because they wondered where she was, I escaped the need to pressure her, but after I got off the phone my mind began to poke at my heart to let him know he was more than likely a dead heart beating.
8:00 a.m.
¡°Good morning! See you soon!¡±
I was half awake as I got ready for work the next day when I received this text as I worried all night about what the day had in store for me. I worked in Irvine so I needed at least twenty minutes to get home from the office and twenty minutes to drive back depending on freeway traffic so there was no guarantee I could be on time. Along with the mental burden on what the day could possibly bring with it, I then decided to just call in sick. The firm allowed me to bank eighty of the overtime hours I put in during the busy season to use for days off during the non-busy months however my bank was beginning to run out as I was now down to my last eight hours of banked time. Anya jumped through hoops to visit me too as she had a twenty-five-minute drive from Dana Point and back so I never shared my days off bank balance with her. I still wanted so badly to see her but I feared the worst on this particular morning so a half hour before she arrived, and for the first time ever before a meeting, I took a painkiller to help stymie any negative feelings I¡¯d certainly feel, especially if she went into any detail about the ¡°sex¡± talk last night with her girlfriends. I then thought back to the time she told me she would never love another man the way she loved me as now I didn¡¯t know which way I wanted to be loved by her, but as the painkiller lubricated my mind¡¯s euphoric receptors I suddenly began to believe it didn¡¯t matter.
Her visit began like they all seemed to do as my heart skipped several beats when I saw her at my gate and minutes later we were both bare bodied in an embrace on my bed, but it became quickly apparent she did not come to give me any bad news and this was only a visit to soothe our discomfort from being apart. As I held her in my arms, we spoke only with our eyes as silence surrounded us as I hoped to avoid any conversation, but inside I felt damaged like a cracked dam, so much so, I couldn¡¯t bring myself to make love to her as the thought of her sharing sex stories with friends, who could only assume this was with Jackson, hurt me in the pit of my soul. I grew even more frustrated when I thought although I was the man who worshipped the ground she walked on, she still shared her bed with someone who had dishonored and shamed her in the worst way imaginable. As I fought the good fight within to keep it light between us, she then told me for the next couple of weeks should would be really busy, and it hit me hard even on a euphoria induced pill as I didn¡¯t know how to interpret it other than with apprehension.
¡°If we had an entire day to spend together, how would you want to spend it?¡± she asked.
¡°A single day?¡± I responded caught by surprise. ¡°As in a full twenty-four hours?¡±
¡°Yes!¡±
¡°It would be fun to spend it in bed with you.¡± I said. ¡°We could order food in. Watch movies. Read a book together. Take a nap and make love. Would be even better if it rained.¡±
¡°I¡¯d love that! So simple yet so dreamy!¡± she said as her eyes danced around with excitement into mine.
Anya mercifully refrained from any talk regarding her ¡°sex¡± discussion with the girls from the previous evening, but as she abruptly reached for her phone and began to type on her Blackberry, her wedding ring glistened enough for it to catch my eye as it dug a hook deep into my heart.
¡°It¡¯s Carolyn, babe. I¡¯m sorry.¡±
¡°No problem.¡± I said as I smiled.
When I saw the ring on her finger, I was thrown off as it brought me right back to when I asked her if she still had sex with her husband. To see her ring on instinctively struck fear in me, but I began to consider she might be afraid if she took it off she would forget it and be questioned if Jackson noticed when she got home. My mind then threw me to the fact her ring signified her devotion to him and when mixed in with her ¡°sex¡± conversations from the previous night, I then felt baffled, hurt and frustrated. My heart then convinced me, as it seemed to carry the voice of my mother, that she only displayed this devotion to her abuser for her kids as the effect of the opiate brought me much needed peace. Her husband¡¯s ring did leave me to wonder though if she would still marry me as I now worried after the emotions of her daughter¡¯s Bat Mitzvah and a possible talk with him might have led her to change her mind.
Even though I could tell she wanted me to make love to her, I held back not from the confusion about her ring, but because I didn¡¯t want to just send her off after such a short visit. I felt it would be disrespectful as she deserved more from a man who truly loved her, but even through all my negative feelings, I still had a fun time with her and hated to see her leave. Upon her return home, her busy day only continued as she had a meeting at a volunteer organization that evening, but as I endured the grief process yet again and didn¡¯t expect to hear from her until the next morning, she did an Anya thing and surprised me with a text.
8:04 p.m.
¡°Just coming down from my ¡°high¡±. I miss you.¡±
ME: ¡°Tell me about it! I miss you too. How r u?¡±
ANYA: ¡°Tired! Haven¡¯t stopped! Just leaving my Pathways meeting. I still have work to do when I get home. Just one of those days. I miss you so much!¡±
ME: ¡°Same here! It was very sweet of you to come by today. I love how we got lost in each other with our faces so close. I¡¯ve never experienced that with anyone before.¡±
ANYA: ¡°I love when we¡¯re really close; face to face. I love how your face feels next to mine. I know I¡¯m weird.¡±
ME: ¡°I must be super weird then because I love it too. Every time our skin touches I feel like it was the universe¡¯s intention for us to be one. I really regret not making love to you today.¡±
ANYA: ¡°Why do you say that babe?¡±
ME: ¡°Because I just miss you so much, but you would have had to get up and leave. I just didn¡¯t think it was right to make love to you then just send you off.¡±
ANYA: ¡°You were just respecting my time. I think you were very much a gentleman for not pushing b/c I would have had to jump right out of bed afterwards.¡±
ME: ¡°Thank you for understanding, babe. I was afraid too.¡±
ANYA: ¡°Were u afraid b/c you didn¡¯t know how u were going to feel after? What were you afraid of? Do I scare u?¡±
ME: ¡°You don¡¯t scare me at all. Making love to you overwhelms me. It breaks me down emotionally when you leave. I don¡¯t cry or anything like that, but the missing that follows is great and I¡¯m afraid it might lead me to pressure you. That¡¯s what I¡¯m afraid of plus I worry about the effect it has on you at home too if it affects me as much as it does.¡±
ANYA: ¡°I get overwhelmed too. I just love our closeness. I just feel ¡°high¡± and become speechless. My heart fills with love and I¡¯m lost for words.¡±
ME: ¡°That¡¯s a beautiful way to describe it, and I feel the same way. I just hope I didn¡¯t disappoint you. I feel like half a man right now.¡±
ANYA: ¡°U didn¡¯t disappoint me! Ur not half a man! I love you forever!¡±
Even though the thought her ring could reflect an allegiance to her husband, it could have also been worn as a deterrent to other men. If Michael Buble brought her onstage to sing to her the entire night, I¡¯m sure men approached her on the street at times too. When Anya shared the beauty of her time with me in detail, a description born only from the heart, I felt the ¡°sex¡± she had with Jackson, was not the story she shared with the girls as my sensitivity got in the way once more, a sensitivity I thankfully staved off with the aid of a pill.
The next day Anya kept in contact with me as Katie¡¯s Bat Mitzvah was now upon her, just two days away, but even as the work and the stress piled up, she still made an effort to let me know I was on her mind.
8:17 a.m.
¡°I would enjoy any movie w/u. Even if it¡¯s stupid. It doesn¡¯t matter.¡±
8:19 a.m.
¡°I miss u babe. So much.¡±
8:25 a.m.
¡°I love you forever!¡±
After I received these morning texts I prepared myself for her absence; a parting of ways I completely understood as an important event took my place. Simply anything and everything she did for her children never left me in despair as I respected her obligations to them and felt content with a third place finish.
The next day, a Friday, the day before Katie¡¯s Bat Mitzvah, I again didn¡¯t expect to hear much from her, but she did text me goodnight and to say she loved me which I didn¡¯t expect at all since she had a ceremony of some kind that evening. When I woke up on Saturday morning, I sent her a text in anticipation of a quiet day, but I felt it was important for her to not worry about contacting me, and that I completely understood the reason for her silence.
ME: ¡°Good morning! I just wanted to wish you good luck today! I¡¯m sure everything will turn out great! I wish I could see how beautiful you look in your semi-perfect dress but perfect shoes! Have a great day, babe! Miss u, love u.¡±
ANYA: ¡°Thank you sweets! Ur so thoughtful. Just getting my hair done. Sorry I didn¡¯t get a chance to check in w/u yesterday. I¡¯m sure everything will go well. I miss u and I love u too.¡±
The day belonged to Katie and her mother. It didn¡¯t belong to the man who missed her as much as air. Even though I struggled at times, I only did when I felt a lack of communication on a day I normally would hear from her represented an act of contradiction from someone who loved me forever. As this day continued, I found myself not upset with Anya, but with an entity whose existence I questioned more than ever; God. It was something I did from time to time as I sought concrete proof of His existence, as if anyone ever received such validation. After I took the last Vicodin I had and it began to kick in, things out of my control on this day didn¡¯t seem to matter. I even began to wish I had these pills when Denise left me as I felt they would have helped me get over her sooner than I did or at least helped me tolerate the long hard nights with her on my mind as she loved someone else. I felt secure Anya was in love in me though, but I just feared the strength of her love wasn¡¯t on par with mine, but then again she had a buffer; her kids, her friends, her organizations, and her staff, which occupied her thoughts. My partnership promotion and Anya was all I had yet she still dominated my thoughts as the more I fell in love with her, the less my thoughts swayed to my big payday. Even though I still appreciated my career accomplishments as my promotion to partner would allow me to take care of Anya and even her kids, my career didn¡¯t matter to me as much as it once did.
I began to focus on what course of action I would take with Anya after Jackson talked with her about what ¡°she was going through¡± after an entire decade of going through things he caused he never cared to acknowledge until now. I didn¡¯t believe he would divorce her even if he had concrete evidence or she admitted she was in love with me, and I didn¡¯t understand why Jackson (after he cheated on his wife while she was pregnant with their second child and felt so much remorse he cheated on her again a few years later) if he was truly sorry in any way, wouldn¡¯t be man enough to make this decision himself. Anya could still leave without outing him to the kids and present their divorce to them as just something they would understand one day. I didn¡¯t want their children to hate their own father because his ability to be a good father wasn¡¯t in question. He could in turn protect her as well, and at the same time show the kids what a real marriage was all about; how happiness was an important commodity to possess in life. Then when they¡¯re older and more mature, they could let them know why they were better suited for other people. Jackson had an image though, one founded on the perception of perfection, and for him to go after the kids in a divorce and to give her a business she didn¡¯t want or need with my partnership promotion in play, couldn¡¯t be more self-serving, but it also explained why Anya fell for me and why I felt the reason to love and trust her was such an easy choice. As much as Anya and I struggled over her inability to know, she truly was a special soul, and the fact she felt an obligation to stay solely for them was a beautiful thought, but my existence in her life in such a huge way left that hard for me to grasp as I struggled with the dishonesty involved in that decision. The way she gave me love, I wanted to give it to her a hundred-fold as I felt this could all be worked out one day. Even though she was going to be busy with work over the next few weeks, I believed her love would shine through and she would somehow find a way to make time for us. The most beautiful thing about Anya was that even though she could say things that worried me, the sincerity in her eyes when we talked about these issues in person, how they never looked away but fell deeply and softly into mine, showed me how she absorbed my concerns and took them into serious consideration. I really loved that about her, whether good or bad, she weighed everything and took it to heart, and made adjustments each and every time to accommodate my feelings. You just couldn¡¯t find that kind of love, it had to find and then believe in you, like it found and believed in me fifteen months ago.
If there was a God, could He hate me this much to bring such a beautiful human being into my life to just take her away? Why would He allow such a scenario to ever happen to a man who genuinely believed in love and who truly loved someone who had been grossly disrespected and emotionally abused by the man who promised Him to love, honor and cherish her forever? I had faith, if there was a God, He brought a good man to a woman in a great deal of emotional pain to help take it away from her forever, and to show her the truest ways of love; one that never died. My only hope was that when Jackson talked with Anya, he could find the respect for her to ask for a divorce and prove me completely wrong about him in the process. If he truly loved his wife as he claimed to, then he would make it easy on her and agree on joint custody to give her the happiness back he stole from her with his infidelities. The truth was though, and I knew it without a shred of doubt, Jackson was not selfless or empathetic enough to do what I felt was simply the right thing to do.
The day after Katie¡¯s Bat Mitzvah, I thought I would receive a text from her early that morning but when the clock struck noon and I still hadn¡¯t heard from her, I began to worry so I reached out via text to see how her day went.
12:22 p.m.
¡°Hi! Everything went well! Huge success! Really tired. In bed all day.¡±
After I read her text, I was happy to know the event went well, but when I learned she was still in bed so late after a night she no doubt looked so beautiful, I began to think of what still being in bed past noon truly meant, especially after a night they essentially celebrated their daughter¡¯s birth. I then even convinced myself this was what spurred the ¡°sex¡± discussion with her friends a few days earlier. The more I thought about it, the more I feared her ambivalence through silence as a flood of negative thoughts began to infiltrate, just minutes prior, my peaceful mind.
ME: ¡°I¡¯m happy to hear everything went well. Just wanted to check in. Rest up.¡±
After I sent my text as I staved off my emotions, I didn¡¯t receive a quick response like I usually did, and the negativity steamrolled from there. I tried to reason she was exhausted too, but it was hard to ignore the fact she was usually up and about by now even after other busy late nights she had from time to time. I just didn¡¯t know what to think other than the same way I did when she told me about her son¡¯s graduation day and how hard it was to see him with trust for her in his eyes. For the first time, I decided to go visit my mother only to see if she could spare any painkillers as I knew I¡¯d need them in an effort to not let this affect me and pressure her. Just before I drove off though, Anya responded to my text.
1:08 p.m.
¡°Thank you. Thank you for the good luck wish. How r u? Feels like I haven¡¯t talked to you in weeks.¡±
ME: ¡°Just glad everything went really well. It sure does! I¡¯m okay. How r u?¡±
ANYA: ¡°Just okay? I¡¯m just tired. Watching a movie with the kids.¡±
I didn¡¯t know how to respond so I decided it best not to. Her unusual disappearance left me to feel she hid something from me as a weekend spent with the kids as a fully functioning family unit tore into my hope for us. It¡¯s not like I didn¡¯t want that, but after all we¡¯ve shared, after nine months, I didn¡¯t think it was right to sort of blow me off as if I didn¡¯t exist. In fact, I found it wrong for her to feel any guilt now simply because even though the love she had for her kids was indisputable, the life she lived with the man she married was not only a lie, but also led her to fall in love with another man. I didn¡¯t have a fondness for politics, and I hated to feel anyone being political with my emotions in play, but I sensed the Bat Mitzvah was just that; a representation of what she wanted people to believe about their family, and that lie bothered me greatly because I would have never given our love a chance if I had known to love her would also mean to support the fa?ade. I didn¡¯t know what to expect from her on this day, but it felt like she already had the conversation with Jackson or at the minimum did something to lead him to think he was crazy to believe she was going through anything at all, and that scared me even more. What I did know was that I felt forsaken on this morning as the time had come to either confirm my feelings or to learn the exact opposite was true, and a little over three hours later, I had my answer.
4:04 p.m.
¡°I miss u, u know.¡±
When I received this text it instantly doused the flames of negativity within as her words caught me by surprise, but after all I struggled with over the last three hours, nothing could have prepared me for what would follow.
4:10 p.m.
¡°My nephew announced his engagement yesterday and I admit I was envious. I was happy for them but bummed out at the same time. They seem so happy. He is 22 and she is 24 with a child. The ex left her and child. They are so in love. I couldn¡¯t look at her ring because it truly represented love.¡±
After I read this text, a smile broke upon my face as not only did the sadness I felt all day melt away, but the questions I had about her own ring the other day did as well. It meant a lot to know she recognized the brilliant sphere she wore on her finger daily did not represent a devotion of any kind to her husband but rather a show for all.
All, except for me.
ME: ¡°I miss you too. Why were you so bummed out?¡±
As I waited for her reassurance or for the ball to drop on my newfound hope, she ended all and every doubt I conjured inside my head about her weekend, and the entire week.
4:17 p.m.
¡°I want to wear your ring.¡±
CHAPTER 11 ~ A MATTER OF WEIGHT
"If a man could be two places at one time, I''d be with you.
Tomorrow and today, beside you all the way."
~ "If" Bread
¡°I want to wear your ring¡± left me feeling like the fictional boxer Rocky Balboa in the second ¡°Rocky¡± movie. When Adrian awoke from her coma, and beckoned him to come close so she could tell him to ¡°win¡± for her¡ªa bout she initially held reservations for. Her words, just like Adrian¡¯s ¡°win¡± did for Rocky, represented a defining moment in my fight for her because I now knew what she wanted without a doubt, and I¡¯d rather lose my life than for her to never wear my ring. She wanted her husband to love her in this life; it¡¯s why she married him and she trusted him to, but he didn¡¯t ¡°win¡± for her, but for himself. It was simply my turn now to ¡°win¡± for Anya.
ME: ¡°You know I want that more than anything.¡±
ANYA: ¡°I¡¯m just so sad.¡±
To read she was just ¡°so sad¡± broke my heart as I learned the reason she stayed in bed all morning, and into the afternoon, wasn¡¯t because she celebrated the birth of their daughter with her husband, but because she wanted to celebrate our love, and if there was ever a time I thought to myself ¡°this girl was made for me¡±, this was the time.
ME: ¡°Babe, please don¡¯t be sad. I¡¯m here, Sweetheart.¡±
ANYA: ¡°I¡¯m so in love with you. I¡¯m tired and am really emotional.¡±
ME: ¡°I¡¯m so in love with you too. I understand how you feel. You were on my mind all weekend.¡±
ANYA: ¡°I thought about you all weekend too. It was crazy but you never left my mind.¡±
ME: ¡°You should take it easy and just relax today. Stay in bed all day if you have to but get some rest. You¡¯re exhausted babe.¡±
ANYA: ¡°I think I was ¡°on¡± all week and am just coming down. Just drained.¡±
ME: ¡°Did you have time to eat at all? Do you feel sick? I miss u.¡±
ANYA: ¡°I did. I don¡¯t feel sick at all. I miss u always.¡±
I wanted so badly to take care of her, and wished more than ever I could knowing I was the cure for her pain as I hated to picture her in bed struggling to hide her emotions from the ones she needed to. When I thought about her husband, who had to know her melancholy on some level, notwithstanding the fact he was truly responsible for it, it literally made me talk to myself with so many things I wanted to tell him as they swelled inside my head, but I mostly talked out loud only because I knew I could not unload any of these words on him.
After her morning revelation, I walked outside under a sky that seemed more blue and breathed in air that seemed more crisp after such an emotional week for me she knew nothing about. I felt for the first time, Jackson Caiaphas, was on the ropes as her emotional disclosure gave me more hope than I ever had about anything in my life. Later that evening, she sent me a text consistent with all she relayed to me earlier that morning.
7:20 p.m.
¡°I love you.¡±
ME: ¡°I love you, too. Did you get any rest?¡±
ANYA: ¡°Yes I did. Out walking with Debbie.¡±
ME: ¡°Oh! Good for you! Tell Debbie I said hello. I miss you.¡±
ANYA: ¡°I miss u so much. Maybe I can see you on Friday for a bit?¡±
ME: ¡°I would love to see you on Friday!¡±
ANYA: ¡°K! Let¡¯s plan on it! I better say goodnight, babe. I love you.¡±
After such a mentally debilitating week, I couldn¡¯t have fathomed it ending in this fashion, and although I played it well this weekend, the truth was I struggled mightily. I just needed her to take that step; just one step to a promise. For her to not only know but to also teach that in a marriage, the relationship between a husband and wife is the foundation, not the children. That a marriage should not be run like a political machine or even like a business. In contractual terms, yes, it is technically a partnership, but it should mean a lot more than a reason to file a joint tax return. Marriage is simply founded on love and should always be predicated upon that very principle, and not just a partnership but rather the best of friendships. Anya shared a bed and a life with someone she simply did not trust, and that alone was grounds for the termination of the partnership contract between them: a breach that only made her sad, unhappy, and angry. Although her kids represented the only reason for her tolerance, it should not have also represented the only reason for her to stay especially with her being in love with someone else.
I now wondered almost constantly, with great interest and anxiousness, when Jackson planned to talk to her. The sooner he did, the better as I wanted to take advantage of where Anya now truly stood on us. I believed she now realized what we had was rare and something she truly deserved as even in the midst of a probable divorce, Anya showed me, more than ever, how much I meant to her. She had done her time as Mrs. Caiaphas and now the time appeared ripe for freedom from her mental abuser. My greatest disappointment however was that I couldn¡¯t be the one to explain to Jackson what Anya was ¡°going through¡± as I believed I knew more than even she did. I then began to fear Jackson would continue to hold this over her head; to keep her guessing as part of the mind games he always played with her. He would choose to talk to her at his leisure; the same man who cared so much about his marriage he bragged about it to me. If he loved her so much and he knew she was in love with another man and clearly didn¡¯t want to be with him, then why not let her go and give her the happiness he stole from her? They could work something out in an amicable manner between them and also be adults enough to explain it to their kids in a way which they could understand. His ¡°love¡± for Anya didn¡¯t make any sense to me, but then again if he truly loved her, I wouldn¡¯t have been in her life for a single second let alone the last nine months.
The next morning, we shared a brief exchange as she informed me of a half marathon she planned to run with her race group of friends in four weeks, and now that the Bar Mitzvah was behind her she had to ¡°step up¡± her running. Later that afternoon on my lunch break I sent her a text to see how she was doing.
ANYA: ¡°OMG! I was thinking of u! In my office working listening to Buble!¡±
ME: ¡°Well I don¡¯t think you can ever go wrong with Buble! I love you.¡±
ANYA: ¡°I love you babe.¡±
ME: ¡°Still on cloud nine here after reading your ¡°I want to wear your ring¡± text. It was just really nice to know.¡±
ANYA: ¡°I think about that often! I wouldn¡¯t care if your ring was made of bamboo. I love you forever.¡±
ME: ¡°I love you forever too, but even though bamboo is fairly strong, I think you deserve a lot more from me than a twig to wear on your finger!¡±
ANYA: ¡°Ha I love it! I just meant it wouldn¡¯t matter what it was made out of. I would just love to wear something of yours.¡±
ME: ¡°There could be no greater honor than the woman I love more than life itself wearing something of mine.¡±
ANYA: ¡°I¡¯m touched. I¡¯m so in love with you.¡±
For her to accept a ring made merely from bamboo, basically a thick twig to wear only because it was from me, should have been all the evidence I needed for her to leave him. To know someone I loved so deeply felt that strongly about me made it that much more meaningful and significant, as it was things like this that never allowed me to give up on her. My dream of proposing to her under the Eiffel Tower, a hope I began to save for, seemed more of a reality on this day than any other that preceded it and even though I knew the task would be impossible, I vowed to look for something beautiful enough for such a beautiful person to wear. I simply wanted her to know when the day came, without any fear and without any doubt, that what she wore on her finger from me would truly and always represent love, something she always deserved from a man who truly loved her.
Even though she was busy throughout as she combed her home office diligently for statements related to a rental building and shuttled her kids to and from school, and back and forth from their activities, the day still miraculously brought behavior consistent with her indifference to wearing something that resembled a tree branch from me. As she cooked dinner for them that evening, she shot a text to me for further conveyance.
5:51 p.m.
¡°Hi baby!¡±
ME: ¡°Hi babe! Did you find your statements today? Did you run this morning? How¡¯s your ankle holding up?¡±
ANYA: ¡°I did. I just needed 07 income statements from a rental building. Didn¡¯t run in am. Ankle is perfect! How was your day? I miss you.¡±
ME: ¡°I miss you too. Happy your ankle feels good! Glad you found the statements! Day was good but long. I¡¯m heading out to grab dinner right now.¡±
ANYA: ¡°Do you eat dinner out every night babe?¡±
ME: ¡°Unfortunately. I don¡¯t have time to go shopping or cook. I¡¯m usually really hungry when I get home so I just grab something because it¡¯s quick.¡±
ANYA: ¡°I understand. Where are you going to eat?¡±
ME: ¡°Del Taco tonight.¡±
ANYA: ¡°Del Taco? I love your honesty!¡±
ME: ¡°I know. Not the healthiest of choices! My dinner venues sometimes aren¡¯t the best, but hey¡it tastes good! I stay in and try to cook on the weekends though.¡±
ANYA: ¡°Ha! I love it! I love you forever!¡±
ME: ¡°I love you forever! I tell you what. After I present you with my bamboo ring, I¡¯ll splurge and take you to Del Taco sometime for dinner. My treat.¡±
ANYA: ¡°Ha! I like Del Taco at 2 am after a night of drinking. Pathetic I know.¡±
ME: ¡°I guess I¡¯m pathetic too because lord knows how many times I¡¯ve been at that drive thru window at 2 am! I don¡¯t know how you¡¯re able to stay away from unhealthy food being a vegetarian.¡±
ANYA: ¡°Not always!¡±
ME: ¡°Yeah, but your will power is still extraordinary!¡±
ANYA: ¡°I don¡¯t think it¡¯s about strength babe. I think it¡¯s about preference. I could be starving on an island and you still couldn¡¯t get me to eat meat. I¡¯d eat leaves.¡±
ME: ¡°Wow! I would really love to live on an island with you. I¡¯d prepare dinner every night if we were both on an island together. All I have to do is grab you a few leaves to munch on and you¡¯re set! Leave the leaves to me!¡±
ANYA: ¡°Haha!!!¡±
As we enjoyed a fun conversation about her affinity for leaves, the conversation would take an unexpected turn and it left me shell shocked as she abruptly shifted gears.
ANYA: ¡°I just don¡¯t get ¡°open¡± relationships. People actually agree and carry on. Just strange to me.¡±
ME: ¡°I don¡¯t get open relationships either. They are definitely not for me.¡±
ANYA: ¡°I know. Can you imagine if we were together and u kiss me goodbye and wish me luck on a nite out with another man? How does that make sense?¡±
ME: ¡°It doesn¡¯t make any sense especially if I truly loved you. I wouldn¡¯t be able to stomach the thought of you with someone else, let alone the act. I won¡¯t even look at another woman when I am in love with someone. I have no desire to.¡±
ANYA: ¡°It¡¯s ok to look isn¡¯t it? As long as u don¡¯t stare and make it so obvious that it¡¯s uncomfortable for the partner.¡±
ME: ¡°Ok to look in front of the partner? I don¡¯t think so.¡±
ANYA: ¡°Ok to look? I wouldn¡¯t expect my partner to have the blinders on. Do u?¡±
If I wasn¡¯t fully surprised by her response, I was really taken aback by Anya¡¯s question as the phone began to tremble in my palm. I guess it was human nature to look at times, but that didn¡¯t make it right especially in front of the partner. How could she not expect the man she loved, the man who claimed to love her, to not have his ¡°blinders¡± on? And if you truly loved someone, why would you ever feel the need to look at all? Even when Anya was not with me, I never felt the need to check out other women. In fact, I couldn¡¯t have been more aloof and disinterested in other women; I just loved her that much, and it¡¯s why I found myself so sensitive at times when she did or said things I didn¡¯t expect...like this. As she rendered me in a state of discomfort and sudden insecurity, I struggled with my emotions as I attempted to tactfully communicate my concern about this acceptance of a symptom of disloyal behavior from a partner who claimed to love her, in total fear she didn¡¯t feel the same way about it.
ME: ¡°Are you serious? Do you really believe that it¡¯s ok? I think checking out someone else or looking in the presence of your partner is completely disrespectful.¡±
ANYA: ¡°I agree it¡¯s totally disrespectful to check out somebody in front of the partner.¡±
Beyond relieved she agreed with me, I believed it to be another test to see if I thought it was okay to do; to see if I was for real. If I had any reason to check out other women while I was with my partner, what business did I have being in a relationship with them? I was a sensitive man, and if my partner had done that to me, I would have not only said something, but probably openly offered her to the guy. Respect and loyalty were big in any relationship let alone a marriage and I don¡¯t know how a couple would never have trust issues if they carried on like that whenever they were out together; in that kind of disrespectful and emotionally abusive environment. The fundamental element of love, in any relationship, is respect and trust, so how could anyone expect to be honored in a marriage to a partner who exhibited this lack of love for them? Now that I was older, nothing would have ended a relationship quicker for me than that kind of disrespect, and if I stayed it would only showcase my ego, but if I threatened to leave it would be about my pride; the fundamental difference between one¡¯s sense of pride and one¡¯s ego, defined.
Like a child who yielded a loaded gun, her texts then took a turn toward the bizarre as my frustration and fear hit a crescendo.
ANYA: ¡°Have you ever seen ¡°Indecent Proposal¡±? Robert Redford offers Demi Moore¡¯s $1 million to sleep with her for one night. I thought that was very sad.¡±
ME: ¡°I never saw it but I agree, it¡¯s not only sad but also disgusting. It¡¯s not like he can write that off as a business expense. Very sad. Why would a husband who loved his wife let her do that?¡±
ANYA: ¡°Yeah, the couple was in financial trouble and needed the money so the husband let her go. It tore him up. That is the lowest.¡±
ME: ¡°I guess it was a once in a lifetime opportunity, but I would have dealt with the financial issues and figured out a way out of it rather than let my wife do that.¡±
ANYA: ¡°Where were you 20 years ago? Even 10 years ago? Well, maybe even 6 years ago? You¡¯re a unique man. Ok, what if your mate has aged and she is looking less attractive?¡±
As I read Anya¡¯s text, I was flustered by her ¡°maybe even six years ago¡± statement simply because it came after I was in her life for over the last nine months. I found it astonishing she would ever text me such a thought with the knowledge I once walked away from her, but there was no greater evidence of her psychological damage than when she referred to me as a ¡°unique man¡±. What made me a unique man? Was I unique because I was loyal? Because I respected and honored women who loved me? Should I not be the standard? I was truly shaken up by her text, and it almost broke me as I couldn¡¯t get past her ¡°maybe even six years ago¡± statement after I spent the last nine months fighting for her, being loyal to her, and respecting her; all the things she wanted me to do in order for her to leave her marriage. Mentally, she was a profoundly wounded woman, and I should have surmised how bad the psychological damage was when she chose to marry and have kids with, in my opinion, a complete douchebag who dishonored her several times instead of a real man who would have never dreamt of doing so, but this was another reason I fought so hard for her to understand she wasn¡¯t well. All my loyalty and respect for her only made me a decent man, not a unique one. A man, no matter how many years, weeks, days, hours and even seconds passed, she should completely jump ship for. Once I took a deep breath and tried to fight an onslaught of negative emotions from overflowing into our conversation, I sent her a simple text in response; a statement of my own she could never dispute.
ME: ¡°I¡¯m here now.¡±
ANYA: ¡°I know babe, I know. I just teared up. I have to go get Katie now.¡±
As Anya retreated from our textversation that left me to question her true intentions, and like a witness to a tornado that wiped out a newly rebuilt town, I was left disheartened by her devastating words. How could she tell someone ¡°I want to wear your ring.¡±, give them so much to believe in and hope for, then come back two days later with ¡°Well, maybe even 6 years ago¡±? To text me something like this after nine months of a deeply emotional relationship after I initially walked away from her because she claimed I broke her heart, made my own heart race so fast I began to tremble noticeably. Her words staggered me even more than when Denise sent an email to my work to inform me she left for another man. I knew Anya had her struggles at home, but her words scalded my mind as it felt she had checked out another man right in front of me. After an hour passed of pure uncontrollable mental anguish, I realized I needed to get this off my chest if I ever hoped to fall asleep as desperation swept over me.
ME: ¡°Babe, I really believe the Universe brought us together. I was tapped on the shoulder the night we reconnected and told ¡°it¡¯s your turn¡±; my time. The Universe sent the best man available for this. To be your hero, and I believe this strongly. I even had 3 years of daycare training helping to take care of the children of others for this very reason. The Universe allowed my heart to get trampled on by single women so I wouldn¡¯t be closed minded when you came into my life, and then when I did close it, brought another phony single woman in my life for good measure before our paths crossed again to bring you into my life once more; to open my mind forever. I believe in our love and it isn¡¯t meant to hurt lives but to make sense out of them all. To give courage, hope and strength to everyone around us. That love and happiness is not based on what we have but how someone makes us feel inside about ourselves. I hate to break it to you, but I was made for this. I was allowed to be hurt so I would open my heart and be loving towards someone who¡¯s been hurt too¡ªlike me. I love you forever.¡±
ANYA: ¡°Wow babe. I¡¯m blown away. Sorry for the lack of grace. Idk what to say. Why do you think we met under these circumstances though? Why make it so hard?¡±
I found her response to be full of fear and wildly inconsistent with the woman who not only fully initiated our relationship, but who also knew very well the reason why we met, and for the first time ever, I didn¡¯t feel an ounce of love from her even as she responded with ¡°babe¡±. I then felt sick to my stomach and began to quiver even more as I sent off another text in response.
ME: ¡°Based on who you chose to marry and why you eventually did, I don¡¯t believe you would have given me a chance years ago. We met under these circumstances because you would give a man like me a chance now after all you¡¯ve been through. Has your husband talked to you yet about the things you¡¯re going through?¡±
ANYA: ¡°No, not yet. Maybe he doesn¡¯t have anything to say either! JK!¡±
ME: ¡°Are you trying to avoid him?¡±
ANYA: ¡°Pretty much. I¡¯m emotionally taken by you.¡±
ME: ¡°That¡¯s big.¡±
ANYA: ¡°It¡¯s true.¡±
ME: ¡°Are the emotions hard to hide?¡±
ANYA: ¡°Yes especially around the kids.¡±
ME: ¡°What do you think the kids have noticed?¡±
ANYA: ¡°Can¡¯t tell.¡±
ME: ¡°Have they ever asked you what¡¯s wrong?¡±
ANYA: ¡°No. They usually don¡¯t ask unless I¡¯m upset and crying. I try to keep a happy face on for them. You can¡¯t fault me for that.¡±
ME: ¡°Never. They did see you upset and crying before though?¡±
ANYA: ¡°They have.¡±
After this exchange, I began to feel awful for her as my negative feelings instantly shifted away from myself to Anya¡¯s inability to hide her emotions from her children. I didn¡¯t want to put her in that spot, and once she revealed her lack of emotional grace in those terms, I then realized why ¡°these circumstances¡± of having to deal with her emotions in front of her kids made her wonder why we hadn¡¯t met ¡°even six years ago¡±; so she didn¡¯t have to struggle emotionally in front of them, and it broke me my heart for her as it left me to feel selfish and insensitive to her struggle.
ANYA: ¡°I better get going. I¡¯m sorry if I kept you from working out tonight. Now u have to live with Del Taco sittin¡¯ in your tummy! Have a goodnight. Thank u for all the sweet words. I love you forever.¡±
When she shared with me her kids had seen her crying and upset, I knew my belief in ¡°if her mental well-being wasn¡¯t intact then the mental well-being of her kids would be affected as well¡± was true. She told me one time ¡°no matter what happens I have no regrets¡±; an enormous statement considering all she struggled with. Anya really had no choice but to leave Jackson as she couldn¡¯t continue to live this way. She would simply never be the same person again anyway after she met me, and if a woman emotionally belonged to a man, she truly belonged to that man and with that man. How could happiness ever truly be reflected upon her children if their mother was only truly unhappy and sad? Love was the foundation marriage rested upon, not just a love for children, as even the wedding vows never mention them. Love consisted of an intersect, not a mutual exclusion. Why would Anya place the burden of her unhappiness upon Katie and Andrew who were completely lost in the dark? It would not be fair to them, nor would it be right especially if they ever witnessed her struggle. She needed to step into the light of the truth as I felt confident her kids would eventually understand, and even like me, although they would have a hard time at first. I felt they needed to know her pain, like I knew her pain, so they could rest their minds because what if they began to blame themselves for her tears? I also felt Carolyn and Debbie should know her pain like I knew her pain as well, so they could understand why our love made sense. This eternal sadness Anya felt needed to end, and I loved her too much to let it continue on this way as there was no other explanation for the reason I came into her life at the time I did.
The next morning after a restful night, I text Anya to see how she was holding up as her response elaborated on where her feelings originated from the prior evening.
7:39 a.m.
¡°Good morning! U didn¡¯t drive me nuts last night. Just hard to believe you¡¯re for real. I¡¯m in love with u too babe.¡±
ME: ¡°Ok, good. I was worried about you last night. I¡¯m for real babe. I would never mislead you about who I truly am and how I truly feel.¡±
ANYA: ¡°Ok, I¡¯ll tell you where I was coming from. I met my husband when I was 19 and insecure. He always checked out other girls and I just thought that was normal. He checked them out in front of me and I accepted it b/c I didn¡¯t want to be a nagging girlfriend. He never actually flirted but I did feel insecure because of that.¡±
ME: ¡°Oh I see¡he never actually flirted but rather waited until you were married to flirt then cheat. Great guy.¡±
ANYA: ¡°I just thought that was normal behavior b/c other guys do the same w/me when they r with their partners. Of course I don¡¯t feel insecure anymore but it did suck.¡±
For it to ¡°suck¡± was a gross understatement as our connection allowed me to feel all she did. When I heard Jackson checked out other girls in front of her, I couldn¡¯t believe the level of disrespect he showed her; a harbinger of things to come in her marriage. It led me to believe Jackson¡¯s money and the status of being ¡°his girlfriend¡± left her impressionable young self to be overly concerned about being a nagging girlfriend as she obviously didn¡¯t want to give him an excuse to dump her. To be honest, it disgusted me she even married him simply because the writing was on the wall from day one, but then again she was only nineteen and suddenly had new friends because of who he was that made her feel popular, important and successful. As independent as Anya had now become, it was hard to believe she was so dependent on him to validate herself at one time. To have such a beautiful woman like Anya, and to treat her in such a disrespectful manner, made zero sense to me, but it worked like a charm like it seemed to always do for those men who were jerks to women. Evidence of Jackson¡¯s emotional abuse however became even more evident when she found it hard to believe I was for real when I simply told her the truth that I valued and respected women who loved me; a trait I possessed I never thought would ever arouse an ounce of skepticism.
ME: ¡°Now you have me worried since it seems you believe it¡¯s normal behavior for people to check out others in front of their partner, and it¡¯s hard to believe I¡¯m for real. When you get lost in my eyes, is it because you are resisting the urge to look elsewhere?¡±
ANYA: ¡°I gazed into your eyes not b/c I was trying to resist the urge to look elsewhere. It was b/c I love you.¡±
ME: ¡°Ok, good. I would never disrespect your love for me and I gaze at you too for the same reason¡because I love you. I hope you know what he did was completely disrespectful that only led to the ultimate disrespect and it¡¯s not your fault at all. That¡¯s not normal behavior at all, babe and it¡¯s entirely unacceptable. I hope you know that.¡±
Stolen content alert: this content belongs on Royal Road. Report any occurrences.
ANYA: ¡°Thank u babe. I agree it was totally disrespectful and I resent it!¡±
ME: ¡°That¡¯s my girl! You don¡¯t have to feel insecure anymore, babe. I¡¯m in your life now. And you should be resentful b/c you are and always were the catch, not him.¡±
ANYA: ¡°That¡¯s very nice, babe. I don¡¯t feel insecure anymore. I simply don¡¯t care. I miss u, babe.¡±
ME: ¡°Ok, I have to admit I had a hard time understanding where you were coming from last night, but now I understand. You have to be careful with me sometimes, babe. I¡¯ve spent most of my life thinking I¡¯m nothing special because I¡¯ve never really had consistent positive reinforcement from anyone to make me feel differently. Now that I understand what you were asking me, let me respond to the other question you asked me last night I didn¡¯t answer about your partner aging. I have always understood looks fade and that¡¯s why it¡¯s imperative to find someone you love on the inside as well. That¡¯s always been why I¡¯ve been so picky b/c I know looks will eventually diminish. Anyway, I feel it¡¯s ok to look when you¡¯re out w/friends, I think it¡¯s just human nature sometimes, but there is something very wrong when you find yourself looking when you¡¯re with your partner. I¡¯m not just saying this to say it. I¡¯m for real babe, and it¡¯s how I really feel and I¡¯ve never disrespected a girlfriend or even a date in such a manner. I love you very much, and this isn¡¯t about being in love with just your exterior but your interior as well. Only if you changed on the inside would I ever consider looking for someone else. I¡¯m not superficial. Love is more than vanity. I¡¯m real. I miss you too.¡±
Denise felt the same way about me after meeting such horrible men in her life before we met as she thought I wasn¡¯t for real too. Even when I opened a door for her, she found it strange, and I couldn¡¯t possibly be this respectful. If Anya questioned my authenticity as well, what chance did I have with any woman if I continued to be respectful if even the ones who loved me thought I wasn¡¯t for real? I could understand women being unattracted to men who let women walk all over them, but that never happened here. Did I have to be a jerk to the ones I loved in order for them to trust me? This did not make an ounce of sense to me and it led me to dislike asshats like Jackson Caiaphas even more as they made it hard for men like myself to be appreciated by women as it led them to falsely believe the emotionally abusive man was the real man worthy of their heart and trust. After our exchange, which brought clarity to her words from the previous night, it validated all of my reasons for being in Anya¡¯s life that much more as she gave me more ammo for the fight ahead. Now it was only a matter of time before Jackson talked with her, as every second that passed brought the possibility and hope for truth, and after what she just shared with me, I felt even more hopeful than ever. In the afternoon, I texted Anya to see how her day went, and it surprised me to learn what she shared about it.
4:42 p.m.
¡°Hi! Well, I had a super easy day! I had popcorn and a diet coke w/my friends. Guess what I did? I decided to blow off everything! How was yours? Thought of u!¡±
Her ¡°super easy day¡± with ¡°popcorn and a diet coke with friends¡± brought a smile to my face as I felt it was a big ¡°FU¡± to her husband since she worked for him. She really needed the break to catch her breath though after Katie¡¯s Bat Mitzvah and the busy summer months. She then informed me she went and saw a movie ¡°The Women¡± which she claimed to be ¡°pretty good¡± and as I drove home from work she sent me texts to further validate my existence in her life.
5:31 p.m.
¡°I miss u sweets. Feels like forever since I visited u.¡±
6:45 p.m.
¡°I love you.¡±
The simplest things in life were the greatest things in life as her texts left my heart full of love and happiness, and the wheels in my head were kept at a standstill, imperative for the mental job I had, that afforded me another good night of rest.
The next morning, Anya informed me she kept up with her half marathon training schedule that her race group tried to follow. Her race group met outside a coffee shop at five every morning, four times a week, and from there they went to their preferred running spot as they started early so they could return home in time to feed then take their kids to school. She explained to me one day they will run hard, and the following day they will just walk. She then began to tell me about her friend, Flora, who got a divorce several months ago after she learned her husband cheated on her again. I had no idea Anya had a fallout with her, which surprised me because Anya was there for her when Flora struggled during that time.
12:41 p.m.
¡°I got sidetracked yesterday because my friend, Flora, called and wanted to ¡°talk¡±. We spent the morning yesterday ¡°talking¡± about our friendship.¡±
ME: ¡°Oh, I remember Flora. She divorced her husband and you met her date and he started flexing in front of you guys?¡±
ANYA: ¡°Haha!!! Remember that? So silly!¡±
ME: ¡°So it sounds like you had a fallout with her?¡±
ANYA: ¡°Yep! She wants to be friends again. Don¡¯t know if I can trust her.¡±
ME: ¡°You can¡¯t trust her? What happened?¡±
ANYA: ¡°Yea she went ¡°shining¡± on me! Arms distance is all I can say.¡±
ME: ¡°She went ¡°shining¡± on you? Did you need a bat?¡±
ANYA: ¡°Haha!! Or the golf club! She smashed her ex¡¯s phone with a golf club! Psycho!¡±
ME: ¡°Wow. She did that?¡±
ANYA: ¡°Yea can you even imagine? That is crazy!¡±
When Anya first told me of how Flora smashed her ex¡¯s phone with a golf club, I felt it was crazy, but for the first time, it showed me a judgmental callous side to her. A side that didn¡¯t acknowledge the pain Flora must have felt when she was cheated on by her husband as it made me wonder how Anya could be so insensitive. For Flora to smash her ex¡¯s phone with a golf club was not the sanest of acts, but if she felt something deeply for someone and the cellphone clearly symbolized the conduit in which her husband brought her pain with, certainly Anya could find some understanding in her actions especially knowing she too was cheated on before by someone she loved. The fact Anya would call her friend a ¡°psycho¡±, rather than view her as someone who was in a great deal of emotional pain, concerned me because it felt like she sided with the cheater, and not the cheatee. In the end though, I just chalked it up to Anya being upset with Flora so she was purposely insensitive to Flora¡¯s feelings as maybe there were other things I didn¡¯t know about Flora that Anya did. I don¡¯t know what caused Anya to lose trust in Flora, but I figured if she wanted me to know, she would tell me.
Later that afternoon, she sent me a text to inform me of an intriguing movie that was coming out the following weekend.
4:04 p.m.
¡°An interesting movie is coming out next Friday w/Richard Gere and Diane Lane. He falls in love with a married woman over a weekend. Hmmm¡I¡¯m curious.¡±
ME: ¡°What¡¯s it called?¡±
ANYA: ¡°¡±Nights in Rodanthe¡±. I really don¡¯t know the story but I saw a quick preview.¡±
ME: ¡°That¡¯s a book written by Nicholas Sparks. Interesting.¡±
ANYA: ¡°Really? Have you read it?¡±
ME: ¡°Oh no. I just ¡°googled¡± it. I haven¡¯t read any of his books before. I¡¯m sure the story is much different from ours though.¡±
ANYA: ¡°I¡¯m sure it¡¯s a different story. Our story is unique. I still think I¡¯m going to go see it though.¡±
As Anya retreated from our textversation to run her kids around and to start dinner for them, I decided to watch the ¡°Nights in Rodanthe¡± trailer on ¡°YouTube¡± and when I was finished two minutes later, I was sold on the movie as well. Anya then sent me a late text at ten forty-five that evening to wish me a good night which was much later than she usually did. The day left me with an overall strange feeling as on the one hand I didn¡¯t like the way she described Flora¡¯s pain with so much disregard for her feelings, but she came right back with ¡°Nights in Rodanthe¡± which left me feeling more hopeful than ever, and a late night text to let me know I was on her mind. When the new day arrived, an eventful Friday for us both, I felt her excitement through her morning texts.
9:12 a.m.
¡°Good morning! Butterflies? I¡¯m excited to see you!¡±
ME: ¡°Can¡¯t wait to see you! Can¡¯t wait to get lost in your eyes!¡±
ANYA: ¡°I know. I feel the same way. My heart just fills up! See u soon! I love you!¡±
When her beauty arrived at eleven thirty-five that morning and her bare warm body laid against mine as our lips met just four minutes later, unknown to me her visit would be one of the most informative ones to date. Even though we almost literally devoured each other for over the next hour, we both played it safe in fear of being overwhelmed with emotions afterwards as she then shared with me something substantial about her week.
¡°Did I ever tell you my father cheated on my mother?¡± she asked.
¡°I believe you did.¡± I said ¡°but your mom stayed because she still loved him.¡±
¡°Oh that¡¯s right, I did tell you. Silly me.¡±
¡°If you want to tell me again though, you can.¡± I replied, smiling. ¡°I¡¯ll listen, babe.¡±
¡°No, it¡¯s okay.¡± she said. ¡°I didn¡¯t like how my mother was always so submissive to my father after he did that to her. I won¡¯t be like her. I can¡¯t be like her.¡±
¡°Well, it was a lot different for your mom than it has been for you; she still was in love with your Dad.¡± I said. ¡°I think your dad made a mistake, and only did it one time. In your case, you were cheated on at the worst possible time, when you were pregnant with Andrew, and it caused you so much distress, he was born prematurely and could have even died. Then, your husband was so remorseful, he cheated on you again even after he basically nearly killed his own son with his indiscretions. It¡¯s a sick act committed by a very sick man. Your situation was a lot different, and I think your resentment is justified, babe.¡±
¡°I guess my husband had more options.¡±
¡°If you truly love someone, you never exercise them.¡± I said.
¡°You¡¯re so unique, babe.¡± she said as she got lost in my eyes.
¡°No, I¡¯m not.¡± I said as I began to play with her hair. ¡°I¡¯m the standard, babe. Did you know even when you¡¯re not around I don¡¯t check any women out? That there¡¯s only you in my eyes still even when you can¡¯t be in them? I think that¡¯s the way it should be when you¡¯re in love with someone, and there¡¯s nothing unique or special about that. It¡¯s something that should be expected even demanded if someone is truly in love with you. It¡¯s called respect. It¡¯s called honoring the one who gives their heart to you. I truly honor you every day.¡±
Anya then leaned in to taste me as we got lost in each other for a few minutes, but she abruptly ended our infatuation with silence through a revelation.
¡°I had a bit of a rough night on Wednesday.¡± she stated.
¡°What happened on Wednesday?¡± I asked as I began to rub her back as she laid against my chest as our lips almost touched.
¡°After I made dinner, I ran outside and got inside my car.¡± she explained. ¡°I was really upset.¡±
¡°Why babe?¡±
¡°The kids weren¡¯t picking up and my husband wasn¡¯t helping me out in the kitchen. I got really frustrated and left the house and sat in my car.¡± she explained. ¡°When I did though, he came outside and then Andrew followed him crying; afraid I was going to leave.¡±
After I heard this story, I visualized the scene and my heart broke for Andrew when I pictured him with tears streaming down his face in fear and in sadness. I even began to fight my own tears as this vision appeared in my mind. Over the last nine months, I came to learn Anya was the type of person, who just never wanted to burden anyone. She was in short, a people pleaser, and even more so with her children. Our relationship seemed to be truly the first time she ever thought about herself as she rebelled against the submissiveness of her mother. This incident only made me further scratch my head about her husband, Jackson. You would think by now he would have done things to save his marriage he had to know was in jeopardy. Instead, he let Anya carry the complete burden of the household, even as he claimed to care about what she was ¡°going through¡±. I could only wish Andrew had turned around and asked his Dad how come he wasn¡¯t helping Mom in the kitchen, but it appeared Jackson made it seem abnormal for a man to do anything like help his wife clean up after making dinner. I¡¯m not suggesting Jackson never did, but I knew Anya worked extremely hard every day and every night. She was basically a stay at home mom with a full-time job as she worked for her husband¡¯s business and took care of all the daily needs for her children. I was brought up to believe if a woman made a meal, the man cleaned up the kitchen afterwards and I was certain if he couldn¡¯t help because he was buried in business affairs, all he had to do was tell her that and it wouldn¡¯t have bothered her at all. But here was a man, who left her to handle everything in the house simply because he was the provider of it, but with two kids in the mix as well, she was really left to pick up after three people, and not one. You would think after he cheated on her several times, the least he would do was help her clean up after dinner, but I had to remind myself at times Jackson did not truly love his wife, but rather himself, to understand why he didn¡¯t.
¡°So just so I understand better what happened. Your husband, who cares so much about what you¡¯re ¡°going through¡±, left you to clean up after you prepared dinner and not even instruct the kids to help you at all?¡± I said. ¡°Don¡¯t you think he should know better than this by now after all he¡¯s done?¡±
¡°You would think, babe.¡± she said. ¡°They did help me to clean up afterwards though.¡±
¡°That¡¯s good, but it still shouldn¡¯t have taken you leaving the house for him to help you.¡± I said. ¡°I¡¯m really sorry you went through that. I would think as a business owner he would have more flexibility in his schedule to help you clean up after dinner, and to help you out more with the kids if you needed it.¡±
¡°I know, babe.¡± she replied, looking away. ¡°I know.¡±
¡°I feel so bad for Andrew. Poor little guy. That breaks my heart more than anything.¡± I said. ¡°His dad should be setting examples on how to be a good husband, but I guess a man can¡¯t show his son how to be a good husband when he isn¡¯t one to begin with.¡±
When Anya revealed the scene that took place at her home, it hit me hard as I realized just how close she was to leaving him; how we were closer than ever to being together, but when I pictured Andrew in tears begging his mom not to leave, because at his age and in his eyes she wasn¡¯t leaving a horrific husband and marriage, his mom was leaving her only son, and that broke me up inside when I thought about the fear he felt that evening. A fear an eleven-year-old should never have to feel. A fear though, that could have been entirely and simply avoided if Jackson had done his part as a husband by performing the simplest of tasks of just helping out in the kitchen after dinner.
¡°If I get a divorce, my friends and family won¡¯t be happy with me.¡± she announced abruptly.
¡°That¡¯s because they don¡¯t know the truth about why you would do such a thing.¡± I countered. ¡°They don¡¯t know your struggle. They don¡¯t know your pain. Only you do. I think if they knew all the emotional and mental abuse he has put you through over the entire marriage, I don¡¯t know how they wouldn¡¯t support you and if they didn¡¯t, I don¡¯t know how they could even call themselves friends. I think parents generally don¡¯t want to ever see their sons or daughters get a divorce. They somehow feel responsible even though the exact opposite is true, but in the end it¡¯s your life to live; not theirs. They will be long gone one day and you¡¯ll be still here living it. You can¡¯t please everyone, babe, and you have to be true to yourself. No one wants to see anyone get a divorce but I feel in your situation and from all I know, it¡¯s the healthiest decision to make.¡±
¡°Our one year anniversary is coming up you know.¡± she blurted as happiness filled her eyes.
¡°You¡¯re right! November thirtieth. That¡¯s only two in a half months away? Hard to believe.¡±
¡°Do you think we could be living together in one year?¡±
When she said this to me I nearly teared up as I leaned in to kiss her lips softly.
¡®I hope so, Beautiful.¡± I said.
¡°Me too.¡±
When she left my apartment that day, I knew my high would last a little longer than normal as hope flowed through my veins more than after any visit I could remember, yet the day remained bittersweet when I thought of Andrew and the fear he felt a few nights earlier. For the first time in our relationship, I questioned myself as I wondered if fighting for Anya¡¯s happiness was also fighting for Andrew and Katie¡¯s sadness as all of a sudden I felt the anguish of Anya¡¯s dilemma.
With every passing second, minute, and hour I anticipated the talk Jackson would have with her, and after Wednesday night¡¯s near miss I could sense he felt more pressure than ever. I was surprised he had waited this long after Katie¡¯s Bat Mitzvah but with the kids around, I¡¯m certain it was a difficult conversation to have since it would probably be emotion laced. Every day that passed though further proved to me, he was only vested in their image of family, but not their marriage, as I believed they should never be mutually exclusive entities.
On that same afternoon after Anya¡¯s visit, I began to write in my journal about how I felt about what happened to her on Wednesday night. Although the content of my entry was sad as I worried about her poor son, I somehow managed to rationalize he was too young to realize all his mother was going through and that her happiness was important for her mental well-being as I now had evidence her unhappiness at home clearly affected him. While I put my heart and hope to the screen with the day¡¯s vision of her beauty in my mind, Anya sent me a text.
3:12 p.m.
¡°Hi sweets! I had a great time! I miss u! What r u doing?¡±
ME: ¡°I had a great time too! I miss u too! Just writing in my journal about our day so I don¡¯t forget anything! I love you!¡±
ANYA: ¡°Awww. I love you so much! I can¡¯t believe you write down everything I do. You must reeeeaaaally love me!¡±
ME: ¡°You might need to add about 100 more ¡°e¡± s and ¡°a¡± s to that! I¡¯ve never written about a girl before. It makes me feel closer to you when I write. Thank you for sharing all you did with me today. It helps to open my eyes and heart to what you¡¯re going through too.¡±
ANYA: ¡°Thank you. It¡¯s a wonder I feel so comfortable telling you everything as if I¡¯ve known you forever.¡±
ME: ¡°I think you feel secure in my love for you and you should. I genuinely care for you and love you. It feels like I¡¯ve known you my entire life as well.¡±
ANYA: ¡°Thank you, baby. I truly care and love you too. I miss u so much already. Time flies when I¡¯m with you. You¡¯ll be on my mind tonight. I love you forever.¡±
ME: ¡°I love you forever.¡±
ANYA: ¡°BTW¡¡±
ME: ¡°BTW?¡±
ANYA: ¡°I just love your arms.¡±
ME: ¡°FYI¡¡±
ANYA: ¡°FYI?¡±
ME: ¡°I love having you in them.¡±
ANYA: ¡°Ha!¡±
I had the best time with her on this day, and all I wanted to do was just relax at home with her on my mind. As I began to comfortably doze off, as warm and comforting thoughts of our day together filled my head, she connected with me through a text.
9:42 p.m.
¡°Out to dinner with clients. Goodnight! I love you!¡±
When I received her text, I responded in kind, as not even a client meeting with her husband could get me down as I felt certain who she preferred to be with, and when I thought I heard the last from her for the evening, she connected with me yet again, but in a manner that truly said it all.
9:51 p.m.
¡°I miss u so f***in much! I¡¯m so sad. Sorry goodnight again. I love u.¡±
After I read her text, I realized this was how I truly felt on this evening as all I was trying to do before she sent me a text was to make the best of it while I clung to the memories of our day together for dear life.
ME: ¡°I miss you just as badly. You¡¯re the love of my life, and you¡¯ll be in my arms again soon, baby. Goodnight. I love you forever.¡±
I now felt her struggle more than ever, and the sincerity behind her words. After a past full of heartbreak, I never took love for granted, but I now trusted Anya more than I ever trusted anyone before. Although her ability to love me gave me life, it also gave her the power to destroy me. I was too vested in us now, and I trusted every word from her that came across my phone and into my ears, and even the ones that never did. When she told me stories like the night she ran out of her house and communicated to me she was ¡°so sad¡±, I felt safer and fell deeper as it led me to trust in her love for me, and even my love for myself, more than ever.
The next morning, a Saturday, she reached out to me earlier than normal.
8:20 a.m.
¡°Good morning! How are you?¡±
ME: ¡°I¡¯m ok! I missed you last night. How are you, babe?¡±
ANYA: ¡°I had a hard time last night. All I could think about was being in your arms and how happy it made me feel. I miss u very much.¡±
ME: ¡°It made me happy to have you in them. If all it takes is my arms to make you happy, you haven¡¯t seen anything yet, babe. It was a hard night for me too, and I miss you very much.¡±
ANYA: ¡°I don¡¯t know if you remember but you told me once that holding my hand, kissing, holding me or just seeing me holds the same weight as making love to me.¡±
ME: ¡°I said that? What was I thinking? I¡¯m kidding, babe. Of course, I do. I still feel that way.¡±
ANYA: ¡°You have no idea how much that has touched me. I don¡¯t want to get into details but that just shows me you love me no matter what.¡±
She didn¡¯t have to get into details because I had a good idea what they were. I could tell simply by the time he chose to cheat on her what he typically thought with. The fact he was thirty and she was all of nineteen years of age when they met led me to believe he was thinking purely on a superficial level from the beginning. Notwithstanding the fact he told her he would trade her in for two twenty years olds when she turned forty, gave it all away what Jackson mainly thought with and how much he respected her as he treated her like a trophy and not like a life partner. It simply shouldn¡¯t have taken me being in her life for him to talk to her ten years later about what she was ¡°going through¡±, but he was truly in touch with only one thing; himself.
9:04 a.m.
¡°I love you Landyn!¡±
When she announced this to me, I don¡¯t believe it was possible to smile any wider as it made me miss her beyond my capability of missing someone. As I wished I held her in my arms, little did I know I¡¯d be in store for a memorable Saturday afternoon when I received a text from her in the middle of it.
2:13 p.m.
¡°Things came up with soccer so now I¡¯m going to my aunt¡¯s house alone. It¡¯s in Irvine. Would love to say hi for a tiny bit on the way down. Busy at 4?¡±
ME: ¡°Not at all! Would love to see you too!¡±
ANYA: ¡°K! C u then!¡±
When she told me she had a ¡°hard time¡± the previous evening and she missed me ¡°so f***in much¡±, she then went out and proved it to me as she showed up at my apartment complex at exactly four. Since it would be a super short visit, I had her stay inside her car and met her outside my apartment complex. As she unlocked her passenger side door so I could get in, we then held onto each other tightly as if we hadn¡¯t seen each other in years and then kissed as we tried to fight the huge grins off our faces as our lips touched. When I saw Anya as she wore a white flowered blouse, it seemed every time I witnessed a different version of her beauty, not unlike how a sunset¡¯s exquisiteness was never the same. Even though she visited for only ten minutes before she had to leave to her aunt¡¯s house for her niece¡¯s birthday party, I had never seen her so joyful, so elated to just see me; a normal guy in every sense of the word. However, it was probably because I felt the same as a mere ten-minute visit from her made my entire weekend ultra-grand, and I felt safer than ever to know I got to see her on consecutive days. Her visit only proved all I said to her was true, as just holding her, seeing her and kissing her held the same weight as making love to her. That was the weight that mattered; not the amount of weight she put on from her pregnancy that led to her husband¡¯s gross neglect of her heart, but the equal distribution of weight in the ways we showed how much we loved each other.
Anya then text me on her way home from the party.
6:55 p.m.
¡°Sorry had to say hello to the Korean clan. I just miss you so much. My mom can drive me nuts sometimes! Thanks, I love u!¡±
ME: ¡°I think all moms can do that! Thanks for coming by. I was so happy to see you. I love you!¡±
ANYA: ¡°I love you babe.¡±
ME: ¡°I love you very much, Sweetheart.¡±
ANYA: ¡°I miss u like crazy. I¡¯m sad again, babe.¡±
ME: ¡°Even though it was just for 10 minutes, and we just stayed in your car, the time with you made my weekend. I guess I¡¯ll watch ¡°Something¡¯s Gotta Give¡± tonight to feel close to you. I miss you very much.¡±
ANYA: ¡°Awww babe. It really does not matter what we do as long as we¡¯re together. I loved our 10 minutes together. R u going to watch it in your room?¡±
ME: ¡°I¡¯ll be watching it in my room for sure.¡±
ANYA: ¡°I wish I was with you to watch it together. I love you forever.¡±
After the event of a mere ten minute meeting, I now felt when Jackson eventually confronted her, she would leave him, and as much as I wanted her to come into an ideal situation, her sadness and deep longing, enough to make her want to see me even if only for ten minutes, told me now may be the most opportune time as I believed in our love more than ever; that everything and anything was possible. The last two days together, I had never seen her smile so much as she proved just how much happiness I brought into her life, and for the first time ever in my own life, I felt proud of who I was, and that I had done the right thing by opening my heart and mind up to her pain.
The next day she texted me early to say good morning and shared with me she couldn¡¯t believe how the mere ten minutes we spent together made such a big difference in her night. As crazy as it sounded, it allowed me to sleep extremely well so it made a huge difference for me also. After she ran ten miles in the morning with the girls, as she continued training for her half marathon, she had some things to do with the kids on this Sunday morning and work to do around the house. When I felt certain there would not be a third day in succession of seeing her, I decided to go to the mall to look for a new pair of jeans. As I ventured through the mall though, I found myself in front of a jewelry store window for the first time in my life, something I dreamt about being in front of one day, as I gazed at the various sparkling rings and necklaces they had on display. I had never bought jewelry of any kind for a girl before, and although I knew Anya was okay with bamboo, even people who didn¡¯t know her as well as I did knew she deserved much more from a man who loved her. As I stood in front of this large window for the next twenty minutes and studied every detail about the rings and necklaces before me, and even though I truly had no clue what I gawked at, it never deterred me from dreaming about making this heartfelt purchase one day. While I continued my jewelry store reverie, she met me halfway through a text.
11:35 a.m.
¡°Are u taking next Friday off?¡±
ME: ¡°I was planning on taking the morning off.¡±
ANYA: ¡°Do you have plans? I have a lunch meeting at 12:30 in Newport Beach. I have a window between 10-12 if you¡¯re free.¡±
ME: ¡°I¡¯m free!¡±
ANYA: ¡°Ok! Let¡¯s do it! I¡¯m excited! I love you forever! Have a great day babe!¡±
I didn¡¯t hear much from Anya the rest of Sunday evening and even into Monday morning as she was swamped with work, but I didn¡¯t mind as the weekend left me with so many great feelings about us and our future together. She seemed more open about the way she felt about me, and made plans to meet me any chance she got, and it came at a time I needed that assurance from her as Jackson plotted to end her happiness. When I didn¡¯t hear from her until late Monday afternoon, it left me to wonder if Jackson confronted her, but the tone of her text suggested he still had not, now over a week after Katie¡¯s Bat Mitzvah.
3:35 p.m.
¡°Katie¡¯s been bugging me to go to the football game on Friday night and I think I get what¡¯s going on. I didn¡¯t go to my first game till high school and I was bad!¡±
ME: ¡°Good for Katie! Your mom never caught on to you?¡±
ANYA: ¡°Ha! I was too clever! She had no clue! She didn¡¯t have the mommy network.¡±
ME: ¡°Oh, this is not going to endear you to Katie¡¯s heart, babe.¡±
ANYA: ¡°Yep! She¡¯s going to hate me. I asked her if Edward had much to say when he called her Friday night and her eyes grew really big. She played it cool though.¡±
ME: ¡°Sounds like Katie is pretty clever just like her mom! Does she like him?¡±
ANYA: ¡°She says she doesn¡¯t like him. I don¡¯t care as long as her grades aren¡¯t compromised. I miss u babe.¡±
I didn¡¯t know what ¡°I was bad¡± meant but I¡¯m sure she could easily relate to how badly Katie wanted to go to the football game, and if I learned anything about Anya over the last nine months, I knew she would take Katie to the game. I found some strange beauty and poetic justice in the fact after all Anya had endured with her husband, and little did Katie know, that her own mother was feeling something for someone for the first time as well.
Later that evening, Anya then shared with me the current happenings with the other half of her life.
7:19 p.m.
¡°Hi baby! Andrew just made me the cutest wallet out of duck tape! He has a wallet business. He said his stocks are down so he has to raise money. Remind me to show you on Friday! I don¡¯t know why anyone would buy these things but he just got 7 orders from his friends. He¡¯s too funny!¡±
ME: ¡°7 orders already? The kid is only 11 years old and already more successful than I¡¯ve ever been. I¡¯d like to put an order in too. Please bring me one on Friday.¡±
ANYA: ¡°You¡¯re sweet but maybe you should look at mine first before you place an order! They r uh...interesting.¡±
ME: ¡°It¡¯s all about supporting him and fostering his drive, spirit and creative thinking! It¡¯s impressive at only 11 years old! He¡¯s ahead of the game! Oh, and babe. Just so you know the main raw material that goes into your son¡¯s product, I believe it¡¯s called ¡°duct tape¡±! Haha!¡±
ANYA: ¡°Really? Yea I guess that makes sense. Thanks for correcting me! Ur my BFF! I¡¯m done for the day. I¡¯ll stress again tomorrow.¡±
I really had a hard time correcting people as I was afraid to embarrass anyone, and no one more than the one I adored. I was not perfect by any means, made mistakes often and viewed myself as better than no one else. I normally let people say something wrong without correcting them only because I found it rude if I did, but I didn¡¯t want Anya to feel embarrassed if she mentioned his wallets were made out of ¡°duck tape¡± to others, which could be future clients she tried to connect with, and they made her feel stupid when she was far from. It was hard not to laugh though when even my word processing program corrected me as I journaled about my day that evening.
Later that evening she sent me a goodnight text.
7:19 p.m.
¡°Goodnight. I miss u, I love u.
ME: ¡°Goodnight babe. I miss u, I love u too. Glad you¡¯re not mad at me for correcting you earlier about duct tape.¡±
ANYA: ¡°Well ¡°duck¡± made sense to me b/c u always see bad guys tape up good guys with ¡°duck¡± tape around their mouths. Ducks quack loud so¡never mind.¡±
ME: ¡°Haha! I knew there was some logic to it!¡±
ANYA: ¡°¡°Duct¡± makes sense to me now. I guess they didn¡¯t make ¡°duck¡± tape for bad guys to use on someone. Ok brain is fried. Better go check homework. C ya!¡±
ME: ¡°So you¡¯re telling me there¡¯s no bad guys or kidnapping section in a hardware store? Haha! C ya!¡±
Whenever I struggled, and I needed a smile in life after a bad day, all I had to do was think of ¡°duck¡± tape and it would illicit a warm feeling from within. I appreciated her imperfections because it only perfected my belief we were meant for each other.
The next morning at ten forty-five, Anya gave me a call as I quickly closed my office door to take it. As I saw her name flash on my phone at such an odd time, I believed Jackson had finally confronted her and she wanted to tell me about it.
¡°Hi babe! Good morning! How are you?¡± I said upon pickup.
¡°Good morning! I have bad news for Friday.¡±
I could have sworn my stomach rolled over a couple of times when I heard the words ¡°bad news¡± as my cell phone began to shake within a hand that now trembled as I tried to hold it steady against my ear. A sense of stress and dread then washed upon me, a feeling I had felt only one time before; when Denise sent an email to my work eight years prior to inform me she met another man.
¡°What¡¯s wrong?¡± I asked reluctantly.
¡°I woke up with a cold sore again!¡± she announced. ¡°My immune system must be down. I never get them but I figure two times since last November.¡±
¡°Oh!¡± I said relieved it was only a cold sore as I almost followed my response with a ¡°that¡¯s all¡±. ¡°Oh¡I mean that¡¯s terrible. I¡¯m so sorry, Sweetheart.¡±
¡°Do you want me to still come over?¡±
¡°Do I still want you to come over? Of course, babe!¡± I responded emphatically. ¡°I¡¯d love to see you! If you¡¯re still up for it of course.¡±
¡°What are we going to do? Talk? Just kidding!¡±
¡°I¡¯m sure we can easily find other ways to show our appreciation for each other.¡± I reassured her as I laughed nervously. ¡°The bottom line is I miss you and I just want to have you in my arms. Is that okay with you?¡±
¡°I miss you too. I can¡¯t wait! Sorry we can¡¯t kiss.¡±
¡°I was really sincere when I said just being with you holds equal weight. Of course, I would love to kiss you but I love being around you too. You¡¯re my best friend.¡±
¡°Awww¡I just love you.¡±
¡°I just love you too.¡± I said as a huge smile broke across my face, relieved to know I¡¯d still see her on Friday. ¡°And you know how much I love kissing you. I could literally kiss you for hours.¡±
¡°I love kissing you too. I was so looking forward to it. Bummer.¡± she said. ¡°You know¡it would have been funny if you told me not to come over cause what¡¯s the point?¡±
¡°That would have been pretty funny, but I don¡¯t take you for granted babe.¡± I explained. ¡°If I joke around like that, you might think there¡¯s some truth to it when there¡¯s no truth to it at all. Even worse, if you believed my joke was true and decided not to visit when all I want is you in my line of sight¡so I know you¡¯re as real as all the feelings I have for you.¡±
¡°I¡¯m touched by your answer. I know you better and I don¡¯t know why I asked. I guess I wanted to give you an out.¡±
¡°Did you think I would ever tell you not to come over when I always miss you so much?¡±
¡°No, not at all! Maybe I was testing you? Just kidding! You know I really don¡¯t care. Just was looking forward to kissing you again that¡¯s all.¡±
¡°I was looking forward to it too, but you¡¯re more to me than just a set of lips I can taste. It¡¯s just one less show of affection when you think about it, babe.¡±
¡°What I meant by ¡°I don¡¯t care¡± is that I really don¡¯t have a self-esteem issue. Maybe I should but I don¡¯t think it comes with age.¡±
¡°Babe, you¡¯re the last person who should ever have a self-esteem issue and besides I couldn¡¯t even see the last cold sore you had.¡± I said to comfort her. ¡°Cold sore or no cold sore, your beauty is already embedded in my heart and mind. You only had self-esteem issues in the past because you gave yourself to a superficial jerk, but you were always beautiful inside and out. If anyone should have a self-esteem issue, it should be me.¡±
¡°You¡¯re so sweet, babe. I don¡¯t want you to get it. I don¡¯t understand though why you would have a self-esteem issue though either.¡±
¡°I¡¯ll explain it to you in greater detail one of these days.¡± I said as I thought about the extra bone on my leg, Denise¡¯s adverse reaction to it, and my past failures with women. ¡°Who knows? Maybe we can sneak in a light kiss on Friday?¡±
¡°You¡¯re so sweet. I¡¯m sorry but I¡¯m going to have to put my foot down on this one. It¡¯s only because I love you so much.¡± she said. ¡°Cold sores are caused by the Herpes Simplex virus type one which stays in your body forever if you get it once. It stays dormant and comes back when you¡¯re stressed.¡±
¡°I think you¡¯ve forgotten something about me, babe.¡±
¡°What did I forget?¡± she asked.
¡°I¡¯m impervious!¡±
¡°Cold sores are contagious even if you¡¯re impervious! You can get it from kissing and or shared utensils.¡± she explained further. ¡°I hope you understand. I love you too much.¡±
¡°I understand, Sweetheart.¡± I reassured her. ¡°I was just joking about my state of imperviability. I think I just made up a new word there.¡±
¡°Webster¡¯s may need to update their latest edition now!¡± she teased. ¡°I haven¡¯t had a cold sore for about five years prior to the last one. Outbreaks are normal under stress. Hmmm¡guess I had a stressful year.¡±
¡°I guess it makes sense with your husband hanging a conversation over your head like a noose, and I believe even the last time you had one he was questioning things too. Your Wednesday night at home didn¡¯t help much either.¡± I said. ¡°I¡¯m sorry you¡¯ve been under so much stress babe. If it¡¯s too much to see me on Friday, I¡¯d understand. Your health is the most important thing here.¡±
¡°I¡¯m okay babe. I¡¯m bummed, but not that bummed because I still get to see you.¡± she said. ¡°Please understand I don¡¯t want to risk you getting it. Are you sure you don¡¯t want to wait until I can kiss you again? Will it be too hard on you? I¡¯d understand.¡±
¡°No, babe. I¡¯m good on Friday. I just want you with me.¡± I reassured.
¡°Okay it¡¯s settled then. Glad we took nearly the whole morning to iron this out! Damn cold sore!¡±
¡°Don¡¯t damn your cold sore, babe. It only brought us closer.¡± I pointed out. ¡°Have a good day, Sweetheart. I love you.¡±
¡°Have a good day babe. I love you!¡±
After a longer than necessary but fun phone conversation, one in which I learned a little more about cold sores than I really wanted to know, I went back to the mundane nature of my job and away from the cold sore drama that just unfolded. If Anya¡¯s perceived blemish was permanent on her lip, her beauty and my love for her would have remained the same as it just didn¡¯t matter to me; I knew her inner beauty all too well already.
The evening, I thought, would bring with it as much as it always did. I would hear from Anya to let me know what her and her kids were up to, information I really enjoyed and looked forward to hear as I began to live somewhat vicariously through them all. The more she shared their lives with me, the more I felt like a part of theirs, the more special and important I felt in Anya''s life as it allowed me to dream of meeting Katie and Andrew one day.
As much as I thought Anya would text me these things I now looked forward to, I couldn¡¯t have been more wrong about a usual evening at her home when she sent me a text later that night.
9:34 p.m.
¡°Sorry big fight tonight. I¡¯m fine. I¡¯ll tell you tomorrow.¡±
ME: ¡°Ok. Thanks for letting me know. Are you sure you¡¯re okay? I can meet you somewhere.¡±
ANYA: ¡°I¡¯m fine babe. Goodnight. I love you.¡±
All I could do was hope she was truly ¡°fine¡± while I prepared myself for the real fight that was now here.
CHAPTER 12 ~ UNDER FOUR
¡°Did they get you to trade your heroes for ghosts?
Hot ashes for trees?
Hot air for a cool breeze?
Cold comfort for change?
Did you exchange a walk on part in the war
For a lead role in a cage?¡±
~ ¡°Wish You Were Here¡± Pink Floyd
When I woke up the next morning, I was surprised to see a text from Anya as it gave me hope she made her true feelings known to her husband after he confronted her.
7:50 a.m.
¡°Good morning! Sorry about last night. How r u?¡±
ME: ¡°Good morning! No need to apologize to me about last night, Sweetheart. The more important question is how are you? What did he have to say?¡±
ANYA: ¡°He suspects something. He said I haven¡¯t been the same for over a year. We got into it about the past and how it sucked for me and idk how I can get past it.¡±
I didn¡¯t know what to think about the information she gave me. I guess I hoped to hear a ¡°play by play¡± of the conversation that showed her anger and resentment towards him rather than just a summary of what happened as it seemed she conceded to him a little bit. Her text made me wonder if she hadn¡¯t been the same for over a year, what was she like before she met me or even Lance, the romantic singer? My low self-esteem, brought upon by my past, gave me the sick helpless feeling she would fail this test of love for me. That this confrontation would put enough fear inside her head to force her to work on things with him, a total contradiction of all that was communicated to me over the now nearly last ten months we¡¯ve been together. I felt it just shouldn¡¯t have taken me being in her life for this kind of conversation to take place as I was led to believe she always felt this way about him long before she met me. Now in pure defense mode, I set myself up for possibly more disappointment and doubt after I shot a simple question her way.
ME: ¡°Has he done anything else I¡¯m not aware of?¡±
ANYA: ¡°He hasn¡¯t done anything else but what I told you. He¡¯s been a good provider and a good father. He is not a mean person. He made those mistakes in the past.¡±
After I read this text, I became mortified by what I perceived to be her defense of him, as if his infidelities were not only condoned but even pardoned; information she never relayed to me when we first met. If those mistakes he made were truly in the past, then why was I in her present? If these mistakes were truly in the past, why did she feel compelled to approach me at a bar and make a date to make me aware of them? In an effort to stave off my rapidly depleting level of sanity, I fought to understand his ability to be a good provider and a good father was never in question, however I also knew a man with his wealth could easily be both as he simply should be those things. What made it most sensible however was the fact he needed to be a third thing as well; a good husband, and that I knew he was not as this third thing did not require wealth but only character and integrity. If he truly was not a ¡°mean person¡± in her eyes, then why did she tell me these horrific things about him and pursue all we¡¯ve shared? Why would she carry on like this if he truly wasn¡¯t a ¡°mean person¡±? Sure, he wasn¡¯t a ¡°mean person¡± in the sense he was good to his kids and to everyone else he depended on for his living, but that didn¡¯t mean he wasn¡¯t a ¡°mean person¡± to his wife. If he truly was not a ¡°mean person¡± why did Carolyn and Debbie adore me? If he truly wasn¡¯t a ¡°mean person¡± then he had to be a psychopath, because in my opinion, nice people generally didn¡¯t go around cheating on their wives when they¡¯re pregnant and raping them of their happiness in life. Nice people generally didn¡¯t go around breaking up the marriages of others especially when they had a pregnant wife and child at home; only sick people did that. After all the emotional abuse she endured from a person she deemed not to be a ¡°mean person¡±, how is he still considered a nice person solely because he is not mean to her children and potential clients? The answer to that question was simple; his emotional abuse felt normal to her because she had gotten so used to it; so used to it in fact, a regular faithful and considerate man like myself was ¡°extraordinary¡± in her eyes. I¡¯m sure Jackson was good to his children, and his love for his children wasn¡¯t up for debate, but shouldn¡¯t that be expected from a father? What did his children do to deserve a ¡°mean person¡± as a father? The fact she also looked upon his multiple gross infidelities as ¡°mistakes¡± rather than conscious choices and decisions, made what she texted me even more perplexing because it sounded like she had forgiven him for them as I feared a reconciliation without my knowledge. I even got the sense she was going to pull away from me as for the first time my mind fed me with the thought I was misled by her, and she misrepresented her true feelings for her husband and about her marriage to me. I then rebelled against this thought as her text also showed the toll his emotional abuse took on her. I further began to reason why would she purposely mislead me to pursue a full-blown relationship and fall deeply in love with another man if he she truly didn¡¯t view him as a ¡°mean person¡±? Even though my low self-esteem tried to tell me otherwise, why would she have any reason to do that to me, a man who respected and loved her so much? I had to further recognize her husband was a salesman, and it¡¯s how he made his living. He was so good at selling himself, he nearly sold her on losing an arm if he could change things, yet the other evening was unwilling to move a finger to help her in the kitchen. Even though her text left me in a state of confusion, what would be her motive for being a ¡°mean person¡± to me if she at least felt he was a ¡°mean person¡± to her? Before I could send her a text in response I really had no idea how to respond to, she sent me another with more clarification.
ANYA: ¡°I can¡¯t help the fact I¡¯m no longer in love with him. He chipped away at my heart for years. I¡¯ve been hanging on for the kids. I have a lot of anger.¡±
After I read her words, I felt relieved and thankful she sent this to fully round out her previous text as a nice person would have never been able to chip away at her heart for years. It seemed Anya was taking the very high road by saying he was not a ¡°mean person¡± to give me the impression she didn¡¯t fall in love with me to retaliate. It was hard to ignore the fact she did carry a lot of ¡°anger¡± though as it led me to fear this could very well solely be an act of revenge against him therefore she never had intentions to leave him, but would she purposely fall deeply in love with another man just to get back at him? Redemption and not revenge was what I believed our relationship represented because it was love based, and not lust based, but if she did allow me into her life just for vengeful purposes, it would simply entail her leaving me and going back to him. I had to acknowledge I got my hopes up his confrontation would upset her enough to leave him or at least ask for a separation, but after their ¡°big fight¡± it left me disappointed that never happened. That it even seemed the ¡°big fight¡± was an attempt to reconcile, and I couldn¡¯t help but feel misled as if she misrepresented her feelings about her marriage to me. Again, I didn¡¯t know how to respond as my empathetic self reasoned if he chipped away at her heart for years, there was no way she would trust him with it ever again. I wouldn¡¯t mind, and even encourage her to work on things with him if that¡¯s what she wanted, but after the last ten months? I walked away from her with the mindset she could work things out with him nearly ten months ago, but now after all we¡¯ve shared I knew too much about her unhappiness. I felt the proper thing to tell him at this point was ¡°I¡¯m only here for the kids and if you can live with that then it¡¯s your call, but we¡¯re through.¡± It sounded to me she was giving him a sliver of hope that she could somehow ¡°get past it¡± and to say I wasn¡¯t disheartened would be a tremendous lie to myself.
ANYA: ¡°Carolyn and Debbie just thinks I fell out of love that¡¯s all. Of course, they think I¡¯m being a little selfish because they don¡¯t know the story.¡±
Upon learning Jackson Caiaphas was Anya¡¯s husband, I understood better why Anya never told Carolyn and Debbie about his infidelities as it seemed to be mostly a networking and business move, but even as the knowledge of his infidelities had the power to affect possible future business relationships, I began to think what if she never told Carolyn and Debbie because she seriously had no intentions to ever leave Jackson regardless of all we shared? By not telling Carolyn and Debbie the exact truth, Anya in essence did not really protect the man she claimed to love as it made me appear like a home wrecker to them; as if I would have never considered how her children or a faithful husband, would be affected if I dated her, and that deeply affected me. After these series of texts, it burned me inside to think it was more important to protect the man who dishonored, disrespected, shamed and emotionally abused her than to protect the man who would never do such a thing, but again, why would she do that to me of all people?
ME: ¡°Well, if you need me. I¡¯m here.¡±
ANYA: ¡°Thank you for being there for me. Guess what? I might be able to lightly kiss you on Friday. Carolyn put me on a strong anti-viral med. I love you!¡±
After all she informed me of, I was surprised she still planned to come visit me on Friday, and even more shocked Carolyn seemed to rally behind us. Her plans led me to believe I took her ¡°big fight¡± with her husband too personally because I held the hope she would be inspired to tell him she wanted a divorce afterwards, however it seemed she had no interest in working things out with her husband if she planned to come see me on Friday after all they discussed, and even more so if she asked Carolyn to help her just so she could kiss me. As the day went on though as I felt a little withered inside from her drama, I believed she sensed I feared her argument with Jackson represented an airing of grievances more than a resolution to change her marital status.
2:05 p.m.
¡°I love you forever.¡±
When I received this text, my heart perked up and somersaulted in my chest, however my mind intruded upon its celebration to let me know they were only words. At any rate, I decided to trust my heart and focus on all we¡¯ve shared together instead, and to look at things positively. To know she couldn¡¯t hide her feelings for me from him, so much so he noticed a change in her over the last year, was a victory for my heart and our love. I had to also consider she never pulled away nor ran away from me. She in fact, never changed after he confronted her and continued to love me the same, if not more regardless of her husband¡¯s feelings as if they didn¡¯t matter. With this adjusted positive outlook, I decided to go out and buy the book ¡°Nights in Rodanthe¡± to read, in case I didn¡¯t get a chance to see the movie, so at least we could talk about it as I wanted to feel closer to her.
When the sun rose to bring about a new day, Anya apologized for her disappearance the previous evening, but Andrew wanted to show her his wallet business and the website he created which she described as ¡°hilarious¡±. When I warned her I was reading ¡°Nights in Rodanthe¡± she let me know she had no time to read it, but she did plan a date with the girls to see the movie during the upcoming weekend. She then cut our textversation short as she had to get into her kickboxing class because she was testing for a belt on this morning. I text her quickly to let her know I would catch the movie at night time if I went to see it, and wished her good luck on the belt test. She responded to my text about an hour later.
10:19 a.m.
¡°Belt test went well! In the movie I think the husband leaves the wife for a few years then comes back. You¡¯d see the movie late on a weeknight b/c u might cry or b/c it¡¯s gay?¡±
ME: ¡°Glad to hear your test went well! No, I like to go at night because there¡¯s less people. I could put my feet up and relax usually in an empty theater. Not a big fan of crowded theaters or crowds for that matter. Would it be okay with you if I took a look at Andrew¡¯s website?¡±
ANYA: ¡°Oh I c. Andrew¡¯s website is tapedproducts.com. Now it¡¯s funny b/c it was created by a couple of little guys. The literature is sooo written by an 11 y/o, cute.¡±
ME: ¡°I look forward to checking it out! I¡¯m just impressed he had the wherewithal to create a website regardless of how the literature reads.¡±
ANYA: ¡°Couldn¡¯t help but give him a little constructive criticism. He took it well and decided he was going to work on his website this weekend with his friend. You¡¯ll see why.¡±
ME: ¡°I¡¯m not reading it to judge him, babe. It¡¯s only in support.¡±
ANYA: ¡°I¡¯m embarrassed by his poor writing skills! I have to remember he¡¯s only 11. I¡¯m not stepping in at all. It¡¯s all fun and a good experience for him.¡±
ME: ¡°He¡¯s already a success with his venture in my book. Btw ¡°Nights in Rodanthe¡± is pretty good so far.¡±
ANYA: ¡°Really? I bet the book is better than the movie. We¡¯re going to see it on Saturday at 2:20.¡±
ME: ¡°Cool! Oh, and for the record, with the exception of when I was a child, I¡¯ve never cried in front of anyone before but you.¡±
ANYA: ¡°That¡¯s sooo hard to believe!¡±
ME: ¡°What is?¡±
ANYA: ¡°That I¡¯m the only one who¡¯s really seen u cry.¡±
ME: ¡°I don¡¯t cry often, babe. It never happens even when I¡¯m alone. That¡¯s how comfortable I feel around you. How much I trust you.¡±
ANYA: ¡°I¡¯m touched babe. I love you.¡±
ME: ¡°I love you too. Oh well, I better get back to work here.¡±
ANYA: ¡°Let me ask you this before you get back to work. Did you listen to love songs and watch love movies before we met? If yes, you didn¡¯t cry?¡±
ME: ¡°I¡¯ve cried once watching a love movie before we met. I think it was ¡°The Last American Virgin.¡± I¡¯ve never cried listening to a love song before, but I must admit I¡¯m more prone to getting choked up a little bit when I listen to them and when I watch movies because of the way I feel about you.¡±
ANYA: ¡°I know what you mean. I feel everything now too and I can¡¯t help but think of you when I listen to love songs or watch romantic movies. I used to cry for the characters in the movie but now I cry for us.¡±
ME: ¡°I feel the same way. I¡¯ve replaced the characters with us and it hits me when I least expect it. If there is anything that proves I¡¯m completely in love with you it¡¯s crying during movies that never made me feel anything before I met you.¡±
ANYA: ¡°That¡¯s beautiful babe. I¡¯m completely in love with you too.¡±
I¡¯ve teared up during a romance movie one time before, but now I actually lived through the characters and understood their struggles on a deeply emotional level. I guess there was a chance I could cry in a crowded theater during ¡°Nights in Rodanthe¡± if I saw it, but it really wasn¡¯t the reason why I desired to see it alone. There was always a ¡°macho¡± side to me as far as my tears were concerned, but around Anya, I didn¡¯t know who I would be trying to fool by holding them in as I felt she had the right to them. She always made me feel extremely comfortable within my own skin and when she revealed how much movies and music now affected her, I felt even closer to her. To be affected and to feel the same things made our connection not only beautiful but truly not of this earth as it provided me with the safety she was in this just as deeply and was just as vulnerable to heartbreak as I was, and for me to hold back my tears would be an act of injustice towards her. Romantic movies and nearly every love song, even the ones I never liked before I met her, now had meaning as I had her face in my mind for each and every one of them.
Before I left work that night, I decided to check out Andrew¡¯s website. I guess I had super low expectations due to Anya¡¯s assessment of it being comical, but the level of detail he put into it and how he grabbed a potential customer into considering his product distracted me from any comedic aspect. Sure, there were some typos here and there, but the overall vision and concept he created was advanced for an eleven-year old as it left me nothing but wholly impressed. When Anya text me later to inform me a new season of ¡°Grey¡¯s Anatomy¡±, her favorite show, started on this evening and that her kids were instructed not to bug her after eight p.m., I told her what impressed me about Andrew¡¯s website.
6:24 p.m.
¡°That¡¯s a nice way of looking at it. Of course as a mom, I see the mistakes (grammar usage, sp, etc). I haven¡¯t said anything else. I¡¯m proud of him.¡±
ME: ¡°You should definitely be proud. He¡¯s really ahead of the game and the level of detail and the passionate way he described his product regardless of the mistakes is impressive. People can always fix typos but his overall vision and his presentation of it you just can¡¯t teach. He knew his product and how to get an emotional response from people to generate interest, and you either have that or you don¡¯t.¡±
I believe good parents will not only be critical of their kids because they feel it is a reflection of them, but also because they want them to be successful in life. Andrew included a detailed list of all the designs he and his business partner were working on, and also provided a way for custom orders to be placed, and I found that very intuitive for just an eleven year old. It brought me back to a time when I was his age when I had his same ambition and drive. When I felt so alive being a part of a world where anything and everything was possible. His grammar could always be corrected, and he could always pay someone to edit his site if he needed to, but there were some things in people you just couldn¡¯t teach as the words he chose displayed his confidence in the quality of his product and the passion for what he sold. I felt Anya needed to build on that without just stating the obvious to him all because of typographical errors we all made from time to time. As much as I loved to write, even I still made a ton of grammatical errors, so I guess I was more in tune with that part of it. Andrew was already well ahead of the curve in life at just eleven years of age, and I felt he needed a reinforcement of his confidence; something I never had as I was often told I was a loser by my father over the years as a way to motivate me. I feel if you pick that up at a young age, you will carry it with you like a curse throughout your life like I have. Of course, he should be introduced to humility at times, but never to a lack of confidence in the pursuit of his dreams. I didn¡¯t want Andrew to ever know this burden of low self-esteem as I found it hard to not live vicariously through him at times such as these. While I continued to dwell on these thoughts, Anya sent me a text.
7:20 p.m.
¡°I¡¯m so impressed with you. I learned something today and I thank you.¡±
ME: ¡°What did I do?¡±
ANYA: ¡°You pointed out the positive when you saw the website. I didn¡¯t until you pointed it out! You¡¯re wonderful!¡±
ME: ¡°This might be a little surprising but I¡¯m generally a positive person! His grammar will get better over time, babe, but I saw something in his website you just can¡¯t teach.¡±
ANYA: ¡°Thanks babe! I better go! Lots to do before the show starts! Goodnight! I love you!¡±
The night couldn¡¯t have ended on a better note for me as I prepared for her visit the following day; a day of great interest for us as I hoped to find out in more detail what she and Jackson discussed two nights earlier.
When she arrived at the gate, dressed in my favorite blouse and blue jeans with dark hair that glorified the sun, she had her pouty face on for some reason.
¡°What¡¯s wrong babe?¡± I asked with concern.
Without saying a word, she pointed to a small blemish on the left side of her upper lip with her hand curled in the shape of a fist.
¡°Who are you?¡± I asked. ¡°Virgil?¡±
¡°Virgil? Who¡¯s Virgil?¡± she asked with confusion on her face.
¡°Virgil. The chimp from the movie ¡°Project-X¡± that did sign language.¡± I said as I imitated the sign language he performed in the movie. ¡°He would always do some hand gesture against the side of his cheek like this with his hand curled up. I think it meant ¡°apple¡±.¡±
¡°Babe. I¡¯m showing you my cold sore!¡± she laughed. ¡°I wish I was just doing the sign for apple!¡±
¡°Oh!¡± I said. ¡°I can barely see it! Are you sure you have a cold sore?¡±
¡°I¡¯m sure!¡± she said as she came into my arms and buried her head into my chest.
I forgot about her cold sore as it was just irrelevant to me whenever she visited. I loved kissing her but I really loved just being with her as being in her presence made me the happiest man alive, the strangest feeling this introvert had ever experienced. I then walked hand in hand with true beauty by my side, and once we got inside my apartment Anya looked around happily as if she had just arrived home from a long trip away. I grabbed her purse gently off her shoulder and laid it on my kitchen countertop as she then came into my arms. We held each other for a minute as we found solace in our embrace before she moved her eyes up into mine.
¡°You smell really good.¡± she said. ¡°You smell like Landyn.¡±
¡°Why, thank you!¡± I responded. ¡°It¡¯s something I try to do from time to time.¡±
¡°What are we going to do, babe?¡± she said. ¡°I can¡¯t really kiss you.¡±
¡°I know. That does create a dilemma for us. Quite the conundrum.¡± I said. ¡°But¡I got an idea.¡±
¡°What?¡± she asked incredulously.
I then took her hand and led her slowly into my candlelit bedroom. From there we both knew what to do as she took her usual spot on the left side of my bed, but before taking mine I put in a DVD, Jim Gaffigan¡¯s comedy special ¡°King Baby¡±, and turned on the flat screen. I truly didn¡¯t know how Anya would take to Jim Gaffigan¡¯s stand-up topics, but she did enjoy his ¡°Hot Pockets¡± sketch I performed for her at Maestros a couple of months ago, so I thought she might enjoy it.
During the next hour that passed while Jim Gaffigan talked about bowling and different kinds of foods such as cake and bacon, little did I come to realize I would fall more in love with Anya as she laughed heartily at nearly everything that poured out of his mouth. There were a lot of memorable times with her at my apartment over the last ten months, however this visit in particular was the most special because it simply encapsulated the very essence of our relationship as she appeared to have the time of her life. To capture her happiness within my sight, to hear her laughter, to feel her tug at me and bury her head in my chest, left me with the feeling we had just made love, as she touched my very soul. I knew after this visit, after all the laughter and pure bliss without making love it was now official¡we were truly one as I felt we were both in this for the right reasons regardless of the wrong timing.
As I turned the DVD off as she now prepared to leave, and with reddened eyes caused from her laughter, she walked over, came into my arms, slyly covered her lip with her finger and lightly kissed me.
¡°Carolyn said I could do it.¡± she said. ¡°She said it would be okay.¡±
¡°Gotta love that woman.¡± I said.
¡°You know, when my husband talked to me the other night.¡± she spoke as she changed the subject. ¡°I told him he should¡¯ve married a stripper, and me, a college professor.¡±
¡°I think that sounds about right.¡± I said as I smiled unsure where she was headed.
¡°If my husband has concrete evidence of us¡I¡¯m going to let it go.¡±
¡°Let what go, babe?¡± I asked with dread.
¡°My marriage.¡± she said. ¡°I won¡¯t hang on for the kids anymore.¡±
¡°If I wasn¡¯t in your life, and you experienced all we have together with another man. Knowing all I know about your unhappiness and the past.¡± I said as I gazed into her eyes. ¡°I would still believe that¡¯s the right thing to do.¡±
Anya and Jackson were simply two different people and the separation between them was now greater than ever before as their gross infidelities now provided enough evidence for me to make this accurate assessment. I was never an advocate for people to divorce, but I was however an advocate for people who truly loved each other, and although I did not truly believe in God, I felt if there was one, He would agree to be too.
¡°He¡¯s had suspicions about me ever since Lance.¡± she admitted.
¡°Really?¡± I asked with genuine surprise. ¡°How so?¡±
¡°I hired Lance to perform at a party for a state official¡a constituent of my husband¡¯s.¡± she said. ¡°That¡¯s when we became close...during the interview process.¡±
¡°How would your husband ever know to suspect something though? Did he hire a private investigator?¡±
¡°No.¡± she stated. ¡°The party fell on the same night as my birthday and he got suspicious when Lance sang me ¡°Happy Birthday¡±. Lance doesn¡¯t do that for free. That¡¯s why he questioned it.¡±
As I took in Anya¡¯s story, I couldn¡¯t understand why Jackson even held on for this long as the trust in his marriage was completely non-existent. How was this behavior tolerable for either spouse, even for Jackson? What did their children stand to gain by both of them living such a false life? If they didn¡¯t believe marriages were realistic, did they have an open relationship agreement in place with the caveat to never fall in love? Or were they a part of a secret society of some kind that condoned such behavior but forbid divorce? Was I allowed to know of this world but to never be a part of it? An insider yet always on the outside?
¡°He was suspicious of Lance back then, and he believes he¡¯s out of the picture now but he also believes someone has taken his place.¡± she elaborated.
¡°I see.¡±
I then began to fear, probably irrationally, what if Anya had dated me so she could still date Lance without any arousal of Jackson¡¯s suspicion? Since I was such a normal guy with no real talents that drew her to Lance, would I be a fool not to consider such a scenario? Could anyone be that cunning though and what reason did I ever give Anya to do such a thing to me taken into consideration it was her husband¡¯s unfaithfulness that hurt her and which allowed me to be a part of her life? Fear and anxiety gripped me at times whenever I considered these possibilities brought upon my failed past with women as it scared me to be loved so much while no one who even had the full freedom to love me never dared to. Most importantly however, I had to also consider why would she tell me about Lance at all if it was something she felt she should hide from me? When I considered that truth, I decided to let that particular conspiracy theory fall to the way wayside.
Negative and positive thoughts now usually filled my head with each visit she made as I tried to assess her true intentions. Even though I felt she was ready to take the next step toward us being together, I also feared Jackson¡¯s tactics to instill fear in her could prevail, and at times it made me feel unsafe as I fought for the security a promise from her would give me. Later that afternoon I sent her a text to see if she made it home safely.
2:13 p.m.
¡°Yes, I did! I loved today too! I miss you so much, babe.¡±
ME: ¡°Definitely one of our best days together. It was hard to see you go.¡±
ANYA: ¡°It is sad to be separated. I love you forever.¡±
¡°Sad to be separated¡± after such a great day together was an enormous understatement as the pain in between our meetings got tougher to ignore. Later that same evening, the presidential debates were being televised as Anya took a serious interest in them. Even though I knew who the players were, it was hard for me to get excited about it all since I didn¡¯t care much for the circus atmosphere of politics. Anya became fascinated with Sarah Palin when she came on the scene as John McCain¡¯s running mate for the Republican Party as they took on the Democratic Party¡¯s nominees of Barrack Obama and Joe Biden. As Anya texted me with the details about their upcoming debate, she mentioned Sarah Palin¡¯s husband was blue-collared and felt that it was a negative trait, but even though I didn¡¯t find it offensive at all, Anya felt it was important enough to clarify.
3:23 p.m.
¡°Please don¡¯t misunderstand my comment about Palin¡¯s ¡°blue collar¡± husband. I take it back. My dad was blue collar and he is a great man. What I meant was I just don¡¯t think she and her husband have a wide understanding of the world. I understand they haven¡¯t been exposed to much. Inexperienced. How is the ¡°blue jean thing¡± going? It would be fun to shop with you.¡±
ME: ¡°It would be a lot of fun to go shopping with you! Lord knows I need the help from someone who has a great sense of fashion! Any suggestions?¡±
ANYA: ¡°Hmmm¡I like Boss shirts. Well low rise designer jeans w/fitted Boss shirt would be a good look for you.¡±
ME: ¡°Really? You think so?¡±
ANYA: ¡°The low rise takes a little getting used to. It will also give you a longer torso look. Designer ¡°dirty¡± jeans would look cute on you.¡±
ME: ¡°Dark blue jeans?¡±
ANYA: ¡°Yes, they are usually darker in color w/random faded look. Back pockets usually sit lower. Fitted dressed shirts not tucked in. Try them!¡±
ME: ¡°Okay! I will check them out! Thank you!¡±
ANYA: ¡°Sorry if I sound bossy. You always look great babe!¡±
ME: ¡°Stop being so Hug Bossy with me! JK! I sincerely appreciate the advice! I love your sense of fashion! I had a great time with you today. No doubt if we were together we would last forever. I think the simplicity of today proved that.¡±
As I kept hidden my supposed ¡°blue jean¡± shopping was actually ring and jewelry shopping, we began to delve into a more serious topic.
4:38 p.m.
¡°If we we¡¯re together I believe we would last forever too. Yes I have fear b/c I was betrayed and it¡¯s hard to believe it would never happen to me again. Idk why. Knowing what I know about you now I have no doubt that you would never do that to me. Our love is mature and that¡¯s what I love about it. No games.¡±
ME: ¡°I would never cheat on you babe. It would never be an option. I¡¯d always be honest with you. I¡¯d owe you that.¡±
ANYA: ¡°I love you, Landyn.¡±
ME: ¡°I love you too. You can always trust in my love for you, Anya.¡±
ANYA: ¡°Trusting your love is the easy part¡¡±
The emotional and mental abuse Anya endured during her now fifteen-year marriage had clearly taken its toll as she now believed even a man who was loyal to her, even one who technically wasn¡¯t with her yet remained loyal, could also one day cheat on her. Even though I fought for her to realize her husband was not the norm, I understood it was hard to believe I was for real at times for the simple fact I don¡¯t believe most men would have been willing to trust and fall so deeply in love with a woman in such a situation, but I was a throw-back to a prior time though, a man who truly believed in love even in our anti-true love capitalistic society.
The narrative has been taken without permission. Report any sightings.
Anya then texted me that Carolyn said the reviews for ¡°Nights in Rodanthe¡± have been excellent as the various exclamation points she used to communicate this to me captured her excitement to see the movie. Ten minutes later though, our textversation came to an abrupt end as the debates began to wage on her television screen. I then opted to go to the gym rather than get sucked into an event of two people¡¯s vision for a country they attempted to obtain behind a hidden obsession for both control and power. When I returned home from the gym though, I found a message on my phone from Anya.
8:25 p.m.
¡°Have a goodnight sweets. I love you very much. I have to turn in early tonight. Running 11 miles at 5 am.¡±
After I sent her a goodnight text in response as I gasped at the thought of running eleven miles, let alone at five in the morning, little did I know I was in store for one of the most enjoyable days of not only our now nearly ten-month relationship, but also my entire life.
The next day Anya text me mid-morning, after her run, to tell me of her plans.
10:00 a.m.
¡°Good morning baby!¡±
ME: ¡°Good morning Beautiful! How r u? What are you up to?¡±
ANYA: ¡°Going with Carolyn, Debbie and my friend Kathleen to see ¡°Nights in Rodanthe¡±! We¡¯re going to the Marketplace Theater at 2 p.m. It¡¯s on Brookhurst. I miss you.¡±
ME: ¡°I miss you too! I would love to see it with you, but I don¡¯t know if I can handle the movie crowd on a weekend.¡±
ANYA: ¡°I understand. What if you sneak in the back when it starts and leave as soon as it¡¯s over? I wish I could sit next to you but I¡¯ll be there with my friend Kathleen.¡±
ME: ¡°I understand. You know what? That¡¯s a good idea! I¡¯ll do that!¡±
ANYA: ¡°What if we meet for tea at the Good Morning Caf¨¦ after the movie? Then we can talk about it!¡±
ME: ¡°Sounds like a plan, babe! I¡¯ll be there at 2!¡±
ANYA: ¡°I¡¯m excited! Better take tissues! Text me when you get there!¡±
ME: ¡°Ha! I will text you! Do you think you¡¯ll get teary eyed at all? Any advice for me in case I do?¡±
ANYA: ¡°Maybe. Just say to yourself you¡¯re going to go see the acting. I love you!¡±
I didn¡¯t believe the movie would draw me to tears; after all I was more than halfway done with the book and so far, so good. To just sit in the back of the theater though, and to know the love of my life was there should be enough to help me get through it dry eyed, otherwise so much for my macho side; I¡¯m doomed.
When I arrived at the theater, I stayed in my car for a few minutes before I ventured out to the box office to buy my ticket just before two. I would have paid for everyone¡¯s ticket that day, but her friend Kathleen posed too much of a challenge to do so. Whenever I went to the movies there were two things I just never did. I never went on the weekends and I never went during the day. I preferred to go see the last showing by myself on weeknights, as often times I would have the entire theater all to myself. Knowing Anya would be there though made all the difference in the world; a microcosm of our entire relationship and why I felt it was so special.
After I purchased my ticket, I walked right past the concession stands as the popcorn and drinks were not only expensive but impossible for me to finish by myself. When I walked inside, the theater was nearly packed as I made my way to the last aisle seat in the back row. Unfortunately, I was not late enough to miss the crazy commercials they now showed in the theaters before the new movie trailers as somehow you can no longer escape advertisements even when you leave the television at home. As I acclimated myself to the dim surroundings, I quickly texted Anya to let her know I arrived. My eyes then began to search for the girl who was better than the girl in my dreams, and as I purveyed the area, I noticed the theater¡¯s patrons were mostly couples of all ages, but in a matter of just a few seconds I spotted Anya about eight rows ahead of me. I then waited for her to look back to see if her eyes would search for me as well, and when she turned around as our eyes met we could do nothing else but smile. When she rose out of her seat, she instead went up the opposite aisle side of the theater from where I was seated. This led me to believe she was either going to the restroom or to just grab something from the concession stand but about fifteen seconds later she stood right next to me, with a smile so beautiful it left zero doubt who the most beautiful girl was in the theater on this day. She then handed me a small pink sticky note and sauntered back to her seat. As if it all was in slow motion, I got completely lost in her as she walked away still lost within my own smile. I couldn¡¯t help but then envision the aisle I witnessed her walk down was the same aisle where she would announce her love to me for a lifetime, and with my smile still in place after she sat down, I shifted my attention in curiosity to the small sticky note in my hand as it contained a heart she had sketched. Her gesture was so simple yet so significant to me as she understood how difficult it was for us to sit apart when I wanted so badly to have her hand in mine, or to have her head on my shoulder, as we watched a movie that mimicked our relationship in some manner, together. The heart was a small gesture but to this heart of mine, it was gigantic in meaning.
I never finished the book before I saw the movie as I wanted the element of some surprise to stay intact for me, and before I turned a single page I had no clue where or what ¡°Rodanthe¡± was, but I learned rather quickly it was a small coastal town on the Outer Banks of North Carolina. Adrienne, played by Diane Lane, becomes an estranged wife after her husband abandons her and their children and runs off with a younger woman. He then comes back into her life after the relationship fails, and tells her he still loves her and wants to move back home, but Adrienne understands the remorse he feels is only because he had a falling out with the other woman. She then tells him she needs time to think which doesn¡¯t sit well with her daughter, Amanda, who wants to see her parents back together. In the interim, she decides to look after a friend¡¯s bed and breakfast for the weekend to help her get away so she could think things through. The only guest on that particular weekend is Paul, a divorcee played by Richard Gere, who is going through a difficult time of his own and as a storm hits them during his stay, they lean on each other for emotional support. When his stay ends, Paul leaves inspired to make a trip to Ecuador to repair a lost relationship with his son and to meet up again with Adrienne when he returns. During their ¡°separation¡± Adrienne and Paul exchanged many handwritten letters expressing their love for each other as she then informs her estranged husband, who left her for the younger woman but came back, of the decision she made to not accept him back. Her decision then infuriates her other children and causes a rift with Amanda. On the evening Paul and Adrienne are to reunite, she is greeted with the news that Paul was killed in a mudslide while in Ecuador. Once Adrienne shares this story with her daughter, Amanda, who is now old enough to understand, they begin to mend their relationship.
To say I didn¡¯t enjoy the movie and its message would be an understatement because of all I felt and how the movie paralleled Anya¡¯s situation in many ways. The part that grabbed me the most was when Adrienne informed her husband they were through as I didn¡¯t expect that outcome at all. The best part for me was not that particular scene itself however, but rather the reaction from the crowd in the theater who applauded it. In essence, it felt as if everyone unknowingly cheered for both Anya and I too, as it strengthened my belief if people knew the truth why we were together, we could give Adrienne and Paul a real run for their money. It all seemed surreal to me that little did anyone know what entertained them all on screen was being truly acted out in real life; by two people in the same theater they were in. The tragic thing about it all though was those two people couldn¡¯t even sit next to each other. I remember leaving the theater with a tremendous feeling of triumph knowing it was nothing like ¡°The Bridges of Madison County¡± and more of what I had hoped Anya would want me to see as I loved the message Adrienne sent to her daughter about love, a message I prayed Anya would be brave enough to show her own kids one day as well. After all the doubt and fear I had after Jackson confronted her and as I left the theater after watching a movie she wanted us both to see together, I held more hope than ever she would follow Adrienne¡¯s lead.
Thirty minutes after the movie concluded, we met at the Good Morning Caf¨¦ and soon found ourselves in an embrace at our usual spot by the children¡¯s park. She then brought her lips into mine as she silently relayed the message her cold sore no longer existed. Overwhelmed with happiness, we held each other as I wished time would stand still, but eventually the silence broke about what we just witnessed.
¡°So! What did you think?¡± she asked. ¡°Did you like it?¡±
¡°I loved it!¡± I said. ¡°I thought for sure she would take her husband back.¡±
¡°I did too! Did you cry?¡±
¡°I didn¡¯t think the movie developed her relationship with Paul enough for me to cry. I found the relationship with her daughter more moving and it had a happy ending.¡± I explained. ¡°Did you cry? What did you think about it?¡±
¡°I cried a little bit. I loved it too, babe!¡±
¡°Do you want to know what almost brought me to tears though, Sweetheart?¡±
¡°What almost brought you to tears?¡±
¡°Did you notice that most of the people in the theater were couples?¡±
¡°I did!¡±
¡°I feel they all came to watch a movie about love today; that they all came to watch something they wanted to believe in.¡± I said. ¡°And it made me realize there¡¯s a girl in the very same theater I¡¯m blessed to have that with. The thing they all paid to see, and the very thing they all cheered for in the end, and although they all left the theater believing; we left the theater knowing what they came to believe in even before they stepped inside.¡±
After I said this she held onto my hand and gazed at me as her soft dark eyes began to water. Our lips then heads softly touched as we each lobbed an ¡°I love you¡± back and forth to each other. It was impossible to ignore not one person in the entire theater did not applaud the ending as they all rooted for Adrienne to choose true love over an unfaithful husband along with a choice to appease others who did not feel the same pain she did. Through their cheers, I again felt like I was doing the right thing by being in her life; to fight for her to see that staying for the kids wasn¡¯t always the prudent thing to do; a pioneer for true love in a capitalistic world. I was especially elated and relieved when people applauded Adrienne¡¯s decision to pursue love even though she was not yet divorced because of the goodness she found in Paul, just like I saw the true purpose in Anya¡¯s decision to pursue love even though she was not yet divorced as well because of the goodness she found in me and us.
¡°You say the most beautiful things to me.¡± she said.
¡°Well babe, don¡¯t give me too much credit now.¡± I countered. ¡°It¡¯s kind of easy to do when you have someone so beautiful in front of you. You give me a lot to work with.¡±
Anya truly appreciated all the beauty I found in her as I knew it carried real weight with her, another reason I fought so hard for her to choose happiness over an obligation to perpetual sadness for the sake of others. I tried to dry her tears with my thumbs as my words had touched her deeply but what fell from her eyes only proved the very essence of soulmate love; when one can touch someone without physically touching them.
¡°It¡¯s moments like this; days like today.¡± I paused. ¡°that makes it all worth it to me.¡± ¡°No one has ever made me feel the way you¡¯ve made me feel. I love you so much, Landyn.¡± she said as she came into my arms once again. ¡°So much.¡±
¡°Thank you for telling me about ¡°Nights in Rodanthe.¡±¡± I said as I kissed her on the top of her head and smiled. ¡°It feels good when you share something positive with me like that.¡±
¡°Thank you for coming.¡± she said. ¡°You know there was some lady in line before us and when she asked for the tickets do you know what she said?¡±
¡°What she say?¡±
¡°¡±Two tickets for Nights in Rodan The, please.¡±¡±
¡°What? Really?¡± I laughed. ¡°Nights in Rodan The?¡±
¡°Yea!¡± she said with laughter as her tears now ceased from falling. ¡°Isn¡¯t that funny?¡±
¡°Well, you know babe. In all fairness.¡± I paused briefly. ¡°She is phonetically correct.¡±
She then buried her head into my chest as she laughed even more, and for the next ten minutes we just held each other in silence, afraid to let go. While I played with her hair, she massaged my head as I almost fell asleep until we reluctantly ended our time together. A new experience for us, a movie and tea, but without the tea though; just her and me.
I could have lived this day forever and even as simplistic it all really was, it remains one of the most memorable days of my life. Before I drove off and after I sadly watched her drive away, I reached into my jean¡¯s pocket to pull out her single yet meaningful sticky note and stuck it on my car¡¯s dashboard as a reminder I held her heart. Even though I didn¡¯t get to sit by her during the movie to witness and hear the cheers of all those couples when Diane Lane¡¯s character kicked her philandering husband out of the house even to the dismay of her children, it warmed me inside to believe with the entire truth known about her unhappiness, I was in this for the right reasons. For extra added measure, if there still existed a hint of doubt, the story further showcased how her daughter who initially rebelled against her mother¡¯s decision came around to understand it. A single sticky note with a heart, her own, etched upon it, was just one of the many beautiful things Anya did that led me to believe in us and to fight for us. Just like in ¡°Nights In Rodanthe¡±, a movie she wanted us to see together, I knew all these things were possible in the end, that the Universe would naturally strike a balance to sort out all chaos and to support life, just like it did for Mother Earth in our own solar system, as I believed there was more right in our relationship than there could ever be wrong.
Later that evening as I drove to visit my parents, Anya sent me a text so I decided to pull over to respond.
8:09 p.m.
¡°Sitting having dinner w/C&D at Ahi¡¯s. Loved today!¡±
ME: ¡°I loved today too! I miss you! I love you!¡±
ANYA: ¡°I miss you like crazy! I love you! They¡¯re playing your song by Pink Floyd.¡±
ME: ¡°¡°Wish you were here¡±! No song could be more appropriate for the way I¡¯m feeling right now than that song, babe.¡±
ANYA: ¡°I can¡¯t stand ¡°the crowd¡± here and want to leave. I just miss you. What r u doing?¡±
ME: ¡°Nothing at all.¡±
ANYA: ¡°Can I see you?¡±
ME: ¡°Of course, babe!¡±
ANYA: ¡°Can you meet me in the parking lot behind Paseos in fifteen minutes?¡±
ME: ¡°See you in fifteen!¡±
Just when I thought it impossible the day could get any better, I¡¯d get a chance to see her for a third time and no way was I going to let it pass me by. When I pulled into the Paseos parking lot, I didn¡¯t see her car so I departed from mine just to make sure. As I stood on the street in search of my heartbeat however, I saw her drive right past me and I then reversed course to where she parked. As I stood outside the place where our eyes first met, on a clear comfortable night, I remembered all the evenings I spent inside the bar as it warmed my heart to know why I stood outside of it now, and why I never wanted to set foot inside of it again. As Anya exited her car, the smile on her face lit the night, and I could not hide the happiness it brought forth upon my own. I snatched her hand in mine as we walked to a secluded alley tucked away from the street lights and the people. I leaned myself against the wall of someone¡¯s garage then brought her body against mine as the moonlight shone upon a face I now held within my hands as her lips found mine. When I pulled away two minutes later, she kept her eyes closed and when her lips begged for more, I fulfilled her silent yet boisterous request. We then paused to catch a breath of the night air to look into each other¡¯s eyes as our heads touched with nothing but all the love in the world for each other filled within them.
¡°I wish we were in your bed.¡± she said breathlessly.
¡°Me too. I miss the softness and warmth of your body against mine.¡±
¡°I love when our bodies touch.¡± she said to me nearly in tears as her eyes spoke more sincerely than ever before. ¡°I love you so much. I so want to be with you.¡±
¡°I want to be with you more than anything else in this world.¡± I said as I brought her lips to mine. ¡°Beautiful days and moments like this only confirm all I¡¯ve felt for over a year.¡±
¡°It¡¯s such a beautiful night.¡± she said as she looked up at the sky. ¡°It seems like you can see every star.¡±
¡°I know.¡± I said. ¡°Can you see Venus?¡±
¡°Venus? Where, babe?¡±
¡°Right there.¡± I said as I gently put her hand in mine and pointed to it.
¡°I never knew that was Venus.¡±
¡°You can see it most nights. It¡¯s the brightest thing in the sky next to the moon.¡±
¡°I¡¯m afraid I don¡¯t know much about the stars and planets.¡±
¡°Oh I bet you know more than you think you do, my love.¡±
¡°And what makes you think so?¡±
¡°Because you¡¯re made of the same things planets and stars are.¡± I said. ¡°We all are. We¡¯re stardust, babe.¡±
She then just looked at me with a smile and a look of peculiarity as I felt a further need to explain myself.
¡°I used to drive back home from Utah after I finished my client engagements in a city called Roy.¡± I explained. ¡°The only light I had at times on the fifteen highway were from my headlights and the moon. When I¡¯d reach Provo though, I would pull over to an off road and just sit on the hood of my car and gaze in wonder at the Milky Way before me. I just sat there and pondered my life with the stars as my only guide; a life I wasn¡¯t very happy with it at the time. Sometimes I¡¯d even be lucky enough to have a meteorite streak through the sky to say hi to me, as if someone or something heard my thoughts. It would have been nice to have you there with me. I¡¯m sure life would have made better sense to me with you by my side, but then again¡if you were there¡I¡¯d probably never have known the stars and where I came from.¡±
¡°I bet it was so beautiful.¡± she said.
¡°Like you wouldn¡¯t believe.¡± I said as I took in true beauty as the moon shone upon her, a sight that astonished me more than any of those star-filled nights in Provo.
¡°I¡¯m flying up to Seattle by myself for my cousin¡¯s wedding next weekend. I¡¯m looking forward to getting away.¡± she informed me. ¡°It should be raining.¡±
¡°Seattle is a very romantic city.¡± I said. ¡°I¡¯ve been there before.¡±
¡°When were you in Seattle?¡±
¡°A few years ago, on another out of town client engagement.¡±
She then brought her eyes to the floor and then back up to me in hesitation and in contemplation whether to tell me something; as if something had suddenly shaken her up, but when she did this same thing again, what she wanted to share was revealed.
¡°I hate my life.¡±
I then brought her body softly into mine and held her tightly as I kissed her on the top of her head. I then transported myself back to the time we danced at my apartment to Buble, and began to sway with her back and forth, as I fought back tears of my own. Her ¡°I hate my life¡± statement broke my heart into pieces and was as significant a statement as any other she ever made to me; the man she knew who loved her so much; the man who only wanted her to love her life as her poignant statement brought into focus everything I was fighting for.
¡°That¡¯s why I¡¯m here, babe. It¡¯s why I go through the pain I do when we¡¯re apart. I want you to love your life again. I think it¡¯s tragic your kids think the most loving person I have ever known is unloving. I think to have love is extremely important for you to have so your love will be felt by others; so you can be true to those around you.¡± I said. ¡°No mother with children, and no wife with a husband should ever hate her life. You deserve to love life again, but you need to be true to all those around you before you can be true to yourself. To live a dishonest life is a sin, babe, and I¡¯m here so you can find the courage to live an honest one.¡±
She then looked up at me, as I pressed my thumbs gently upon her face to dry the tears that flowed.
¡°I want to be true.¡± she said. ¡°I want to live an honest life.¡±
¡°That¡¯s everything I¡¯ve been fighting for you to be and to have, my love.¡± I said. ¡°Even though I understand your reasons, it¡¯s not right for a married woman to be cheating, but it¡¯s equally wrong to stay and to continue living a false life now too. I agreed to be in your life so you wouldn¡¯t have to do that anymore, Beautiful. Can I ask you a question though?¡±
¡°Yes, babe.¡±
¡°Is there something else?¡± I asked. ¡°Is there something else that keeps you there that I don¡¯t know about? Maybe something you¡¯re afraid will hurt me if I knew?¡±
¡°Only what I¡¯ve told you.¡± she said. ¡°I¡¯ve been honest with you about everything.¡±
¡°Okay, I trust you.¡± I said. ¡°Can you please do me one favor then, Sweetheart?¡±
¡°What is it, babe?¡±
¡°Please listen to yourself. Not to others, but to yourself.¡± I said. ¡°It¡¯s the only way you¡¯ll ever choose to be true, sweetheart.¡±
There were many substantial things she told me during the last ten months that afforded me the allowance to fight for her, but ¡°I hate my life¡± and ¡°I want to be true¡± were the most significant. I knew as well as she did though, in order for her to be true and to choose an honest life, she had to first be honest with herself. As the man whose ring she wanted to wear, it was something I couldn¡¯t allow her to run from but rather face it with me by her side. If her husband had been faithful, and she still hated her life, well guess what¡that¡¯s what ¡°better or for worse¡± meant when she made her vows as I would feel completely in the wrong to fight for her, but the gross disrespect he had shown her over the years and the prolonged mental abuse he had levied upon her were the reasons I felt she deserved to love life again. I just had to find a way within to stay strong for her so she would have the courage to do the right thing; just like Adrienne in ¡°Nights in Rodanthe¡± did that brought cheers from the theater¡¯s audience. This is what she asked me to fight for, and that¡¯s exactly what I planned to do even if it led me to hate my own life on a level I never experienced before as there was no turning back for me now.
The next morning, after undoubtedly one of the best days of my entire life, a day I could only dream about having before I met her, Anya sent me a text.
10:34 a.m.
¡°Good morning! How r u? Late night?¡±
ME: ¡°Good morning, Beautiful! Yesterday was such a whirlwind I went to bed early last night believe it or not! I was wiped out but in the best way though! How r u?¡±
ANYA: ¡°I¡¯m good. Just finished the hardest 2-hour kickboxing class! I thought I was going to throw up and the instructor told me to suck it up. So, I did. Glad it¡¯s over.¡±
ME: ¡°Way to go! I would have probably threw up everywhere. Men are weak, you know. Wish I could have another day like yesterday!¡±
ANYA: ¡°Ha! I had a blast yesterday! I miss u.¡±
ME: ¡°One of the best days of my life! It was such a fun day for me I forgot to eat dinner last night! I miss u too.¡±
ANYA: ¡°Really? How do u do that? I ate all day!¡±
ME: ¡°I just wasn¡¯t hungry¡too much adrenaline! I can¡¯t believe you didn¡¯t throw up in class after eating all day yesterday!¡±
ANYA: ¡°Yea, he wasn¡¯t going to give me an ounce of sympathy either! He asked me if I went out last night and I just looked at him. He told me to ¡°suck it up¡±! Ugh!¡±
ME: ¡°It¡¯s quite apparent he doesn¡¯t tolerate the antics of party animals in his class! Good thing he doesn¡¯t know about me¡it probably would have been worse for you.¡±
ANYA: ¡°Ha! I had the best time with you! You gave me a lot to think about.¡±
ME: ¡°What specifically, babe?¡±
ANYA: ¡°When you asked me if there was something else. I¡¯m really going to think about it. You also asked me to listen to myself. I¡¯m really going to look into that too.¡±
Fear gripped me for a moment as it made me wonder if there really was something else and if so, then why wouldn¡¯t she know what it was? I knew Jackson Caiaphas was her husband; I knew what he stood for so would this be the ¡°something else¡± she needed to communicate to me? To inform me of who he was and what he represented? Was he the reason why she was fearful to leave? I understood the kids were big for her, but I just didn¡¯t understand why her concern for them wasn¡¯t communicated to me in November, or even in June on the night we met as they were certainly in her life for the five months before we reconnected with each other. If feeling love again meant so much that it inspired her to refer the kids to me as ¡°baggage¡±, even though she knew they were far from, why not listen to herself and choose happiness and love over sadness and resentment? Did she make a conscious effort to keep these things hidden from me until she secured my love and so I¡¯d be more inclined to pursue a relationship with her? If that¡¯s the case, then why go through all that trouble to never recognize it and not promise to be with me? Why did she feel so guilty about her happiness if she went through such great lengths for it? I knew if she just listened to the beauty inside of her, just like the sun outside shone, the truth about her life would shine through to her as well. At this point, it just made zero sense to me she would stay in her marriage regardless of her children unless my greatest fear was true; that she didn¡¯t truly love me. That she was only truly in love with the feeling of being in love again and not truly in love.
Before I could respond however, she hit me with another text that put me on the internal defensive even further.
11:53 a.m.
¡°Ur right in that it is wrong for a married woman to be cheating no matter how u justify it. I need to leave first before I see you and since I¡¯m not ready where do we stand?¡±
After my eyes absorbed her text, Hiroshima and Nagasaki came to mind as it felt like she had just dropped an A-bomb on me. How does she allow me to feel a day like yesterday and moments like yesterday for nearly ten months, a love I even walked away from because she was ¡°married¡± but told I broke her heart, just to be asked something like this? How could she tell me and do things that screamed ¡°I believe in our love¡± just yesterday to only hit me with ¡°it¡¯s wrong¡± not even twenty-four hours later? Her text made me feel like a paraplegic who had just been pushed out of his wheelchair and asked to get back up as it left me to think she was on crystal meth or some other drug that could alter her mood so steeply. I never said it was wrong no matter how she justified it, I simply meant it was wrong to be married at this point after all we¡¯ve shared. In fact, after all we¡¯ve shared over the last ten months I felt this text was something I should have never been sent, especially after she just told me she so wanted to be with me, hated her life, wanted to be true and planned to listen to herself. Was this listening to herself or instead to those around her who didn¡¯t know her pain like I was made to know? Did she think I¡¯d text her back something like ¡°You know what you¡¯re right. It¡¯s wrong what we¡¯re doing and have done together. What was I thinking? See ya on the flip side!¡±. I considered the ¡°wrong¡± in a relationship with her when I walked away from her the first time over a year ago after she told me I broke her heart and even wondered why I left. Did she honestly believe I would ever be the same way again after ten months of the greatest love I had ever known? Did she seriously believe she would even be the same person again too? Was that loving someone? Abandoning her so she could figure it out on her own after all we¡¯ve shared? After a day full of so much love and hope, it destroyed me inside how she could text me such a thing after I walked away ten months earlier just to avoid ever receiving a text such as this from her. Again, I didn¡¯t want to pressure her or put her in an emotional state in front of her children so I fought back the disbelief of her query in case I subjectively misinterpreted it.
ME: ¡°I did say that it¡¯s wrong for a married woman to be cheating however in your situation, I feel it¡¯s justified because of the mental abuse and pain you¡¯ve gone through over the years. I don¡¯t think you even recognize it, babe, and that¡¯s why I want you to listen to yourself in the hope you will see it. You¡¯ve not only become the woman I love, but my best friend. You even told me I¡¯m not responsible for the way you feel about him. If I was responsible for the way you feel about your marriage, then I think it¡¯s wrong any way you justify it, but the way you feel has been in existence long before me and I feel without me, you¡¯d choose sadness over happiness. I think if you listen to yourself, especially to the two things you told me last night, ¡°I hate my life¡± and ¡°I want to be true¡± we¡¯ll be together one day without a doubt and you will do the right thing and leave.¡±
ANYA: ¡°Thank you for being there for me. You¡¯re my best friend too. You¡¯re not responsible for how I feel about my situation. It¡¯s just the way it has been and still is.¡±
I didn¡¯t know how to feel about her statement, mostly the ¡°still is¡± as I would have preferred to have seen ¡°will always be¡±. What if she was giving Jackson another chance and that was why she felt this sudden guilt? How could she find it possible to give Jackson another chance after all we¡¯ve shared and after all the horrific things she shared with me about him? After I walked away and my reasons for doing so? Would someone really consider staying with someone if they truly didn¡¯t love them after being greatly dishonored and were in love with someone else? Was she truly being honest with me about her feelings for him? I even began to think, if she resented him and was angry at him, wouldn¡¯t that also mean she still had feelings for him on some level and that¡¯s why she was willing to stay? Would I be mad and resentful at someone I didn¡¯t still have some feelings for in some way? My low self-esteem came roaring back into the fray like a cavalry after I read her texts, and after one of the greatest days of my life, they left me thoroughly disjointed and broken.
She then text me later that afternoon in an attempt to smooth things over, but I decided to remain silent about how they made me feel because I didn¡¯t want to upset her. As I struggled for solace to help me with the onslaught of negative thoughts that flowed like blood down my face, I decided to visit my mother to see if maybe she could spare a pill or two to help me make it through.
1:08 p.m.
¡°Yesterday was perfect. Every moment serious with you or not was perfect. I love you. What r u doing today?¡±
ME: ¡°I have no plans, babe. What r u up to today?¡±
I decided not to tell Anya about the visit I planned to my mother¡¯s house in case there was a chance I could see her, but she quickly closed the door.
ANYA: ¡°I¡¯m going shopping with Katie today. Also going to my niece¡¯s (my older bro¡¯s daughter) 100th day celebration tonight.¡±
I still reeled from her earlier texts as I was still taken aback by the ¡°wrong¡± in our relationship and that she viewed it as ¡°cheating¡±. Not that it technically wasn¡¯t, but after all her husband has done to her and the fact she even told me ¡°it¡¯s not a marriage¡± in her eyes, for her to consider our love as ¡°cheating¡± at this point seemed like a tragic effort to bring legitimacy to her marriage, a union now riddled with gross infidelities from both sides. It even led me to wonder if Anya¡¯s brothers knew how abusive their brother in law had been to their sister and if so, were they okay with it? The Anya I knew so well from yesterday seemed to be a totally different person today, and it just ate me up alive to sense such a variance.
ME: ¡°That was a quick 100 days! It seems like only yesterday when you told me you could see us with one someday. Sweetheart, I hate to ask you this, but are you sure you really want to be with me? Do you truly believe this is love you feel? I need to know.¡±
ANYA: ¡°Sorry picked up kids and took them to lunch. Of course, I want to be w/u! Why would I be seeing u? Yes, it¡¯s definitely love and not just any love but still wrong.¡±
I then began to realize where her guilt originated from and I started to feel badly my low self-esteem led me to question her intentions and love. I now believed she knew the only thing wrong at this point was that she was still there, and had not promised to be with me. With all things considered normal it did appear wrong, but how could it truly be wrong if she truly loved me in conjunction with the reason of how we came to be?
ANYA: ¡°R u ok?¡±
ME: ¡°I¡¯m ok. Just a little sad because I¡¯m missing you.¡±
ANYA: ¡°Instead of being sad b/c we miss each other let¡¯s turn it around and be thankful we have each other and we got to spend some time together! What do u think?¡±
ME: ¡°That¡¯s a beautiful way of looking at it babe. Have a great day! I love you!¡±
ANYA: ¡°K! You have a great day too! I love you!¡±
Although I understood better why Anya felt it was ¡°wrong¡±, it bothered me deeply that most people, and probably even Anya, would believe our love was completely wrong, and I felt almost abandoned by her as it left me to feel it was me against the world; a feeling I never thought she¡¯d ever give me. Anya claimed the only way she would leave her husband was if she had someone there for her, so to tell me ¡°it¡¯s wrong¡± when she encouraged me to be in her life even after I walked away from her solely because she was married, I felt represented the only wrong now. The only way our love would be wrong is if our relationship represented retaliation and she never had plans to be with me, the reason her texts put fear inside my head and heart. Even as an agnostic, I referred to God for guidance in my decision to date and trust Anya. In particular, the vows made to Him by her husband ¡°to honor and to cherish until death do you part¡± as they were the basis for my decision. However, if Anya didn¡¯t truly recognize God but rather a society whose belief system I believed to be mostly corrupted, what chance did I ever have? She told me she wanted to be with me. She told me she truly loved me. She told me she wanted to wear my ring. She told me she hated her life. She told me she wanted to be true. She told me she would rather die than never have me in her life. How could this be wrong unless she never had plans to be with me regardless of if I did all the things she asked me to do in order to make it a reality? I just didn¡¯t understand how this was suddenly wrong in her eyes when I always felt it was justifiable even in the context of God. The only way this was wrong is if she used me, hijacked my love and played me for a fool as I refused to believe any of that, and trusted she had no reason to.
As I entered my parent¡¯s house, my mother was in her room and perched on her bed as an episode of ¡°Days of Our Lives¡± blared from her television set, a soap she watched daily since it first aired in 1965, forty-three years ago. Even though she was for the most part technologically challenged since the early eighties, she sure knew how and made sure the VCR was always set to record at noon everyday so she never missed an episode. Like sand through the hourglass, over time I got to know its ever changing main cast of characters like Hope and Bo, Austin and Sammy, Marlena and John and many more characters I never wanted to know as I hung around my mom so much it seemed I had no choice not to.
¡°Oh, hey Landy Joe!¡± my mother said when I entered her room as she rose off her bed to greet me.
¡°Hey, Mom.¡± I said as I gave her a quick hug.
¡°How do you like my hair?¡± she asked with pride as she shaped it with her hands.
¡°Did you do something to it?¡± I asked.
¡°You can¡¯t tell? I just had it permed!¡± she exclaimed.
¡°Oh, it always looks the same to me, Mom. I didn¡¯t know. It looks nice.¡± I said to avoid any further hair talk. ¡°I see you¡¯re watching your fave.¡±
¡°It¡¯s been reaaaaally good this week! I have to wait all weekend though to see what¡¯s going to happen to Marlena.¡±
¡°The suspense must be killing you. Is she still possessed by the devil?¡± I chided her in reference to when I felt the show ¡°jumped the shark¡± and ran out of story ideas.
¡°No, that was years ago, Landy.¡± she informed me.
¡°You mean to tell me she survived that entire ordeal?¡± I asked with sarcasm.
¡°I was just as surprised as you were, Honey! I didn¡¯t think she was going to survive the demonic possession. You saw how bad she looked.¡±
¡°Mom, don¡¯t you think the writers stole a lot of that from the movie ¡°The Exorcist¡±?¡± I asked.
¡°You know, now that you mention it.¡± she paused. ¡°It was very similar.¡±
¡°Seriously? Very similar? Mom, they practically stole every scene!¡± I exclaimed. ¡°Did William Peter Blatty guest write for the show that week? I would like to know.¡±
¡°Oh, I know the show can be a little silly at times, Landy.¡±
¡°It¡¯s too silly if you ask me. Personally, I think it insults your intelligence.¡±
My mother then looked at me for a few seconds before she spoke.
¡°Are you okay?¡± she asked.
I looked back at her and nodded my head to let her believe nothing was bothering me. As she sat back down on her bed to finish watching her soap, I noticed there was a bible on the nightstand, a curious place for it as she usually had it on a shelf.
¡°I¡¯m having a hard time understanding something.¡± I caved.
¡°What is it?¡± she said as she paused the VCR.
¡°It annoys me that from the outside looking in, it appears to people that my relationship with Anya is wrong.¡± I said. ¡°Anya told me today, no matter how we justify our relationship, that what she¡¯s doing is wrong, and it really got to me.¡±
¡°Isn¡¯t she right though, Honey.¡±
¡°I don¡¯t think so.¡± I said.
¡°Landy, certainly you can understand how it is wrong what you¡¯re doing. Right?¡±
¡°I feel the only way this could be wrong is if she still loved her husband, and she was retaliating against him.¡± I stated. ¡°The only way this could be wrong is if she lied to me about everything. That she doesn¡¯t truly believe in our love.¡±
¡°Do you believe that¡¯s true? That she¡¯s lying to you?¡±
¡°Absolutely not, Mom.¡± I said. ¡°I believe it¡¯s fear that¡¯s talking to her. Fear of what others might think of her; what our society has been conditioned to believe about marriage and love.¡±
¡°You know what the Bible says about committing adultery, right?¡± she said. ¡°Doesn¡¯t that make it wrong?¡±
¡°As agnostic as I am, and as borderline atheist I almost became at one time, the Bible is what I ultimately referenced in my decision to date her.¡± I said. ¡°Also, don¡¯t forget it¡¯s a sin to live a dishonest life too.¡±
¡°Then how can you disagree with her about it being wrong, Landy? Especially if you used the word of God as a point of reference?¡±
¡°For many reasons.¡±
¡°From the word of God? How so?¡±
¡°Well to start, in regards to her committing ¡°adultery¡±, I believe when her husband broke his vows ¡°to honor and cherish her until death do they part¡±, not just once but several times, he not only broke his promise to her, but to Him and God took score each and every time he did. When Anya¡¯s love withered away because of it, I felt it was God¡¯s way of allowing her to find love again.¡± I explained. ¡°Correct me if I¡¯m wrong but isn¡¯t God about love? Isn¡¯t that what his message is all about? Why would He ever want a person who was betrayed and lied to that took her happiness away in life, like God had been betrayed and lied to by this very same person, to not want her to have love ever again? Isn¡¯t God about redemption? Didn¡¯t His son rise from the dead to give us hope and eternal life? Why wouldn¡¯t he allow that for Anya so she could be redeemed by someone who truly loves her so she could feel love again? I feel I¡¯m a good patient man who held out for love and always believed in it, who would never dream of cheating on my wife, so why wouldn¡¯t God allow Anya, a woman in such desperate need for love, to find me for it to only be looked upon as wrong in His eyes? Did God envision contracts and tax deductions when people got married? I don¡¯t believe God ever meant divorce was something to be determined in a court of law or to be conducted through a formal process, but rather when there was a true separation of the heart. If Anya was in love with her husband, he had kept his promise to God, and she and I had a relationship, then I¡¯d understand how she committed adultery in His eyes, and how this could be nothing but wrong. The truth is though, I don¡¯t think people truly understand the word of God, nor do they truly know the Bible enough to reserve the right to be critical about what is truly wrong and right about our relationship. Forgive me, but I don¡¯t see the wrong in our love if it¡¯s truly love, after it was taken from her as viciously as it was by her husband. She has even told me ¡°it¡¯s not a marriage¡±, and all because society recognizes it as a marriage doesn¡¯t mean God does, and marriage exists because of the continuation of unbroken vows made to God, so taking all this into consideration, how could our love possibly be wrong if God is truly the point of reference?¡±
My mom loved God and believed in Him without any reservations or doubt, and even though I found it difficult to believe any entity could create the earth in just seven days, I truly felt I followed what I believed to be his principles in my decision to date Anya. After I spilled out my interpretation of God¡¯s message in the ¡°Good Book¡±, she seized the Bible by her bedside and began to rummage through its pages like a priest in the process of performing an exorcism as I believed she sought out every passage possible to dispute all of what I just said, to rid me of the demon she perceived to be inside me.
¡°Matthew five thirty-two.¡± she stated as she read. ¡°But I say to you that everyone who divorces his wife, except for the reason of unchastity, makes her commit adultery; and whoever marries a divorced woman commits adultery.¡±
¡°Except for the reason of unchastity.¡± I pondered with a smile. ¡°This sounds like this is coming only from a man¡¯s point of view though. What about men who abuse their wives? Didn¡¯t God consider that? I can¡¯t believe God created women to be enslaved to men, and for wives to be enslaved to their husbands. Why would God punish women even for immoral acts made against them?¡±
¡°I think what the Bible is saying here is that unchastity is grounds for divorce...for both men and women.¡± she said. ¡°Whether it happens in the heart or through court of law; her husband¡¯s adultery or fornication renders divorce a forgivable act in those instances.¡±
¡°Long before I was in her life, his ¡°unchastity¡± led Anya to fall out of love with him; a divorce through the heart.¡± I said. ¡°But still, does God believe women should stay with husbands who are emotionally or physically abusive? Why would he punish women for leaving those kinds of husbands and not allowing them to find love? God can¡¯t be a male chauvinistic pig, right?¡±
My mom perked up and smiled as she began to read the passages she apparently already had bookmarked.
¡°Nowhere in the Bible does God consent to any kind of abuse whatsoever, Landy. It¡¯s proven here in Corinthians one thirteen.¡± she said. ¡°He talks of what love is not. ¡°It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs¡it always protects.¡± So it¡¯s clear God doesn¡¯t condone abuse of any kind. Marriage is a covenant between a husband and wife. The promises exchanged by a man and a woman in marriage become their obligations to God. It even says so here in Psalm one twenty-eight, Proverbs eighteen-twenty-two ¡°faithfulness to those promises brought marital blessing; violation brought a curse.¡± And here in Matthew nineteen: seven through nine; Jesus tells ¡°whoever divorces his wife, except for immorality, and marries another woman commits adultery¡± so you see¡God is far from a male chauvinistic pig, Honey.¡±
¡°I would venture to guess cheating on your wife several times constitutes immorality and a violation of the covenant which led to a marital curse that then allowed Anya to find love in someone else.¡± I said astonished by all she chose to share. ¡°Are you through?¡±
¡°Not quite.¡±
¡°There¡¯s more?¡±
¡°In regards to an unloved woman who is married.¡± my mom said then briefly paused. ¡°Proverbs thirty; twenty-one to twenty-three reads ¡°Under three things the earth trembles, UNDER FOUR it cannot bear up; A servant who becomes a king, a fool who is full of food, a maidservant who displaces her mistress, and an unloved woman who is married.¡±
¡°So not only is a covenant broken in such a scenario.¡± I said in serious and deep contemplation. ¡°But the world is shaken and can¡¯t bear up. Like the world of her children. Anya¡¯s world. Jackson¡¯s world. My world.¡±
¡°Well, I¡¯m no Aristocales, but I think so.¡± she said.
¡°Wait¡What? Who is Aristocales?¡±
¡°I don¡¯t know, Honey. All I can tell you is I¡¯m definitely not him.¡± she tried to continue as I struggled to maintain a straight face. ¡°In Romans eight, it explains how God sent his son, Jesus, to defeat the law and give us grace, everlasting life and all other good things. It ends in assurance of a truth, that nothing shall ever separate us from the love of The Lord. So as long as you have kept your eyes, your mind and your heart on God.¡±
¡°If that¡¯s true¡then there¡¯s nothing wrong with our love.¡±
¡°Other than its dishonest nature¡from what I read¡I don¡¯t think so,¡± she said. ¡°Unless your heart, mind and eyes were in the wrong place to begin with.¡±
¡°Not once.¡± I said. ¡°Its dishonest nature only exists out of fear and is only temporary. I truly believe that. That the only thing wrong is that she continues to live a dishonest life out of fear.¡±
¡°Then only God can judge you, Honey.¡±
It was the first time I ever discussed the Bible and God with my mother. Even as a child, we never had a single discussion, as much as she tried to instill Him in me. When I left my parent¡¯s house that day after I got caught up on the current happenings of ¡°Days of Our Lives¡± and forgot to grab a pill I came for, I learned from the word and grace of God the only wrong was Anya¡¯s fear of living an honest life. If she truly wanted to be true and she had the intentions to be so, I believed it would all take care of itself even under a world that trembled as I held the belief I was put into this situation to bear it up.
CHAPTER 13 ~ HEART SPOKEN
¡°If you could only see the way she loves me
Then maybe you will understand.
Why I feel this way about our love
And what I must do.¡±
~ ¡°If You Could Only See¡± Tonic
I left my mother¡¯s house that day, with a better understanding of what was wrong about our relationship. The reason Anya felt it was wrong as well; its dishonest nature. I felt at this point, after all we¡¯ve shared, its temporary deceit would turn into a permanent truth as Katie and Andrew were the only reason our partnership remained a false entity. Ultimately, it was up to Jackson to stay on the path he already treaded upon and go the full distance to learn the truth, but the secretive nature of our relationship did make it wrong, and if I thought for a second this relationship would be based on a secret, even ten months long, I definitely wouldn¡¯t have pursued Anya in any way, but now I was deeply entrenched as my happiness was on the line too even in the midst of a necessary secret for the protection of her children. With only a lifetime of sadness and the pain of failure with women to fall back on, I was at the mercy of the universe as it was made more difficult, however I knew what was at stake for me, and if this didn¡¯t work out, I would feel more like a widower than a divorcee. The love Anya and I shared day in and day out, the good and the bad, was not only of this world, but everything everyone in this world should hold out for. Now that I knew what love truly felt like, I knew I would never settle for anything less than all I felt for Anya which would keep me single for eternity if this didn¡¯t work out as I only wanted to share all I felt with Anya and with no one else. If she felt anything close to the way I did, and she had to if she truly was in love with me, I had to convince her of what was now at stake for both of us; a lifetime worth of loneliness and sadness. Even though I feared she may still harbor some feelings for Jackson, enough to at least stay with him and be okay with it, I also believed there was no way after what she experienced with me she ever could simply because she was no longer the same person he knew. She now knew true love not only existed but it also truly existed for her, as I believed she could never return to a marriage that lacked trust, mutual love and respect because she now had all those things with me. All I had to do now was convince her of the importance of pursuing an honest life so our relationship would forever be right.
When Anya told, me she hated her life, I then made it my mission in life to see she loved it. I felt it was important for her to have if she went through such great lengths to have it as she proved it every day with every text she sent me. I loved and cared for her deeply enough to put my own happiness on the back burner but a past buried in my subconscious had wrecked my life and left me with scars I couldn¡¯t see no matter how hard I tried to tuck them away. When I thought of all the moments we shared and how every one of them were simply the best moments of my life, ten months was too long ago to walk away from. Through music and through movies, the mundane nature of each day never existed, and with that certainty, I couldn¡¯t walk away from it as Anya became a necessity in my life. I had to save her from Jackson, but the problem was felt like a luxury to Anya, more than a necessity, but I also felt she would live an unnecessarily abbreviated life if she truly hated it. The stress, the sadness, the deception would eventually take everything that remained and I loved her too much to allow it to happen as I had to make her realize it¡¯s why I was a necessity in her life; something she too admitted when she told me she would rather die than never have me in her life. I loved her. If she died, I did too. If she loved me, then she would trust me. If she didn¡¯t, if she was truly only in love with being in love and I was just the vehicle she used to feel again, like the car left behind after a bank heist, my life would be abbreviated as well. The truth was simply this; there was too much at stake now to simply walk away or to see our relationship as wrong.
Later that evening, Anya sent me a text.
8:49 p.m.
¡°Hi baby! How was your day?¡±
ME: ¡°It was good! How was yours? How was the 100 days party?¡±
ANYA: ¡°It was good b/c I was thankful for us and it got me through the day! The party was fun! Too much food! Going for a walk now w/Carolyn. I miss u.¡±
ME: ¡°When you think about it people have to pay money to read books and see movies to experience what we¡¯ve found in each other. I had a good day just thinking about that. Say hi to Carolyn for me. I miss u too.¡±
ANYA: ¡°You are so right!!! I will!!! I love you forever!!!¡±
After what I witnessed when we saw ¡°Night in Rodanthe¡±, all the couples in the theater, and their applause when Adrienne chose happiness over sadness, wat I texted was as true a statement as any. If she believed that much, then the wrong in our love could ever exist.
I didn¡¯t want Anya to feel obligated to text me ¡°goodnight¡± after her walk so I texted her ¡°goodnight¡±, but she responded.
9:53 p.m.
¡°R u writing?¡±
ME: ¡°Take a guess what I¡¯m writing about, babe?¡±
ANYA: ¡°About yesterday?¡±
ME: ¡°I can¡¯t fool you!¡±
ANYA: ¡°The best day ever!¡±
ME: ¡°So true! Honestly. one of the best days of my life.¡±
ANYA: ¡°We had 3 mini dates! We were perfectly happy to just meet! How lucky we both are to have found something so beautiful! I love you!¡±
ME: ¡°I agree, babe, but I feel I¡¯m the lucky one. I love you, Sweetheart!¡±
ANYA: ¡°I just love you! I better say goodnight! Sweet dreams my love!¡±
Even though the morning didn¡¯t start off well, the day couldn¡¯t have gone much better after I visited my mom and I received her sweet goodnight texts as I believed if she could see the beauty in us, then she could never see the wrong in us. In our world, contracts were broken every day, and no one is going to hell for them.
The following day, an unusual non-dreadful Monday for me, I sent Anya a good morning text.
8:02 a.m.
¡°Good morning! Woke up with your taste in my mouth! Glad we kissed on Saturday! Will get me through this week! How r u?¡±
Every Monday I always made a conscious effort not to bug Anya during the day as the start of the week always seemed the busiest for her, but now it seemed Mondays were no longer the same for her as she kept me up to date on her day throughout it.
11:53 a.m.
¡°It¡¯s raining here, babe. I can¡¯t wait until rainy season, makes me think of you. Hope ur having a good day.¡±
12:15 p.m.
¡°Seattle forecast calls for rain on Friday.¡±
7:49 p.m.
¡°Hi baby! Busy? R u at ur mom¡¯s house? I miss u.¡±
8:41 p.m.
¡°Blew off Jewish new year (Rosh Hashanah) services tonight to get caught up. Not enough hours in the day. Was helping Andrew study for a math test.¡±
8:49 p.m.
¡°Trying to get caught up on the new too. Looks like the biggest drop in Wall Street since the failure of the bailout. Asia dropped drastically too. Btw did you hear Wachovia was bought out by CitiGroup? Afraid to look at my statements. Keep watching those house prices fall though! You¡¯ll find the perfect one with a yard! Buyers market!¡±
9:06 p.m.
¡°I love that our feelings for each other are so mutual. I think you felt every bit of happiness I felt each time we got together on Saturday. It was precious. I love you Landyn!¡±
My Mondays were now so much better with Anya in my life as they seemed to carry a Friday feel. To hear from her throughout the day, especially on a Monday, showed how far we had come, but those days I hardly heard from her scared me now. It was nice to read she blew off Jewish New Years as it represented an act of defiance against him in my eyes because Jackson was Jewish and she wasn¡¯t before she met him. Her absence from the Rosh Hashanah service gave me hope she planned to send a promise my way, especially if he pressured her and especially if I bought a house with a yard; for Suki.
The next day brought upon us a day of special significance as it always made me feel good whenever she remembered.
9:10 p.m.
¡°Good morning! Today is the 30th! How r u?¡±
ME: ¡°10 months to the day! I¡¯m good! I have to bring my car to the shop today though. How r u, Lovely?¡±
ANYA: ¡°10 months! What¡¯s wrong with your car? I¡¯m fine baby. Just getting ready to go to services. Don¡¯t want to go.¡±
ME: ¡°If they are anything like a catholic mass, those services can¡¯t be much fun. My car is really low on oil so I need to get an oil change. I¡¯ve been putting it off for too long.¡±
ANYA: ¡°Oh I see. U know how to check for oil? JK!¡±
ME: ¡°Haha! Believe it or not, I¡¯m kind of a handy man sometimes, babe! Beautiful day today!¡±
ANYA: ¡°Ha! It is a beautiful day! Ur not going to believe it but I¡¯m blowing off services again so I can work. Oh well, I don¡¯t care.¡±
ME: ¡°Not enough hours in the day sometimes.¡±
ANYA: ¡°Not enough hours for sure. Well I better get to it. I miss u. I love u.¡±
Ten months of the greatest love and the greatest pain I had ever known. The love trumped all the pain even though I spent many more days now stuffing it inside and away from her. I loved her so dearly as she became my reason for being so it was all I could do to survive. I reasoned I¡¯d rather deal with her inconsistent behavior than live a life of consistent emptiness forever. In my heart and mind, Anya was more my wife more than my girlfriend, and I felt not to love her at this point, to be disloyal in anyway would be criminal, especially under the circumstances. As much fun as it was, I took our relationship very seriously because of her children as I got in this for the simple reason to love her, and to save her from herself. The problem I began to further ignore as time passed and as my love for her grew was that I probably needed more saving than anyone.
Later that same afternoon, I inquired electronically to see how her workday was coming along.
ANYA: ¡°Ur so sweet babe. Getting stuff done! I miss u too! How¡¯s your day?¡±
ME: ¡°It¡¯s going good! What time are you flying out on Friday?¡±
ANYA: ¡°8 a.m. out of OC. My mom is already telling me to eat breakfast b4 I show up at the airport! Unbelievable! Going to be a long a long weekend! I¡¯ll miss u!¡±
ME: ¡°Oh really? Is your mom aggressive and demanding? You¡¯re not going to Seattle alone now? I¡¯ll miss u too, especially on Saturday.¡±
ANYA: ¡°Ha! No, she¡¯s not. She¡¯s actually very sweet and passive. Yes, my parents decided to join me but we¡¯re flying to Seattle then driving to Lake Louise in Canada from there together for the wedding. Why especially on Saturday? Is it b/c of last Saturday or b/c I¡¯ll be at a wedding?
ME: ¡°Oh, I see. It¡¯s definitely both, babe.¡±
ANYA: ¡°I know! I¡¯m going to witness two people in love and committing to a lifetime. I¡¯ll be jealous. I¡¯ll be daydreaming about last Saturday.¡±
ME: ¡°I wish I could be there to witness it with your hand in mine. Always remember, we both have what they do in some way. I love you.¡±
ANYA: ¡°I love you babe.¡±
After last Saturday, and to know she was in attendance at a wedding to witness two people in love certainly would make it a difficult weekend for me as I now anticipated sadness well before it happened. Then again, I was also happy because she wasn¡¯t at home with Jackson.
Later that evening she let me know via text how much she missed me as her gesture transformed itself into a heartfelt conversation.
6:29 p.m.
¡°Just hugged Suki wishing I was hugging u.¡±
ME: ¡°I hope Suki is breathing okay! How was your day, babe?¡±
ANYA: ¡°Ha! Yes babe! Just finished office work. Feels good to catch up! How was urs? Home now? Still holding Suki.¡±
ME: ¡°Ha! I never thought I¡¯d ever find myself envying a dog! I¡¯m home now, babe. Got home about 15 minutes ago. It was a good day. I got a lot done as well.¡±
ANYA: ¡°Glad you had a good day! Suki is sick of me! She tried to get away a couple of times but I wouldn¡¯t let her. Poor baby Suki. I miss u babe.¡±
ME: ¡°Suki just doesn¡¯t realize how good she has it! I miss u too, babe. Well, if it means anything I would never try to escape your arms. This might sound weird but it sure doesn¡¯t feel like we¡¯ve been together for only ten months. It feels like we¡¯ve been together for at least a few years.¡±
ANYA: ¡°I know! Crazy right? We¡¯ve shared so much.¡±
ME: ¡°Hard to believe we¡¯ve shared so much in such a short amount of time. I¡¯m glad we¡¯ve been able to see each other as much as we have.¡±
ANYA: ¡°Me too, babe. My friends still send me stories about Buble cuz they are immature and won¡¯t drop it. Anyway, I was reading the latest story they had emailed me about Buble. The story quotes him saying he and his girlfriend only see each other 2-3 months because they are so busy. Well they broke up after a couple of years.¡±
ME: ¡°That¡¯s why most celebrity relationships never last. They have no time for each other than in the beginning and relationships are both a commitment of time and effort. If you want it to work, you¡¯ll simply make time. You¡¯ll miss them too much not to. If you don¡¯t truly miss them, then you¡¯ll get together every 2-3 months or when it¡¯s convenient. That¡¯s not a form of love I personally believe in, and I believe that¡¯s why these celebrity relationships never last. It¡¯s almost as if they are acting, more worried about their image, than what they feel for that person. So, are you ready for Seattle? Do you wear a robe at all in the morning? I was fantasizing about a rainy morning in Seattle with you.¡±
ANYA: ¡°My robe! I usually alternate between my two faves. One is white and the other is pink. A rainy morning in Seattle sounds so romantic.¡±
ME: ¡°I never believed our kind of love existed; where I always wanted to be around the person I loved, but I think it¡¯s because you¡¯re my best friend too. I honestly don¡¯t know how I¡¯d ever be able to stay away from you if we were ever together. I love being with you. We talk throughout the day now and I enjoy every minute. I gets me out of the bed in the morning.¡±
ANYA: ¡°I would love u so much u would get sick of my closeness!¡±
ME: ¡°Oh u think so, huh? Try me! Haha! I would love it! I¡¯d hold you like you were just holding Suki! I wish I could be with you in Seattle. I remember flying over a snow-capped Mount Rainer coming into the airport and how majestic it looked. The city ended up being as well.¡±
ANYA: ¡°There must be something about Seattle. I wonder why Seattle is mentioned so many times in movies and songs. I imagine Seattle to be a romantic city.¡±
ME: ¡°Well, considering ¡°Sleepless in Seattle¡± was a popular movie, and especially with how much it rains there, I¡¯m certain it is.¡±
ANYA: ¡°Very old movie.¡±
ME: ¡°Tell me about it¡±
ANYA: ¡°I want to go to Seattle with you.¡±
I fell instantly in love when I saw this text as I read it over and over before I responded as it perfectly aligned with so many other wants of mine; another dream to achieve.
ME: ¡°Just waking up and going to sleep with you in my arms, near a fire as the sound of the soothing rain falls outside. I don¡¯t think I¡¯d ever want to leave.¡±
ANYA: ¡°Sounds beautiful.¡±
ME: ¡°Just like you.¡±
ANYA: ¡°I love you.¡±
ME: ¡°I love you too, sweetheart.¡±
ANYA: ¡°It sounds so amazing babe. That¡¯s not asking for much.¡±
ME: ¡°Not for two people who truly love each other.¡±
ANYA: ¡°I know. Make me sad. And mad.¡±
ME: ¡°Well, you know¡¡±
ANYA: ¡°Ha! I know what you want to say ¡°then do something about it.¡±
ME: ¡°Well, the reality is it¡¯s not that simple. If there were no Katie and Andrew in the picture. I¡¯d probably come get you.¡±
ANYA: ¡°Really? U could be entering into a battlefield!¡±
I was a bit thrown off by her ¡°U could be entering into a battlefield¡± statement. Where did ¡°battlefield¡± come from and why? Why would I be entering a ¡°battlefield¡± if she wanted to be with me? I didn¡¯t understand why she would choose to use such a word. Would she pick up a weapon and join the fight? Would my life be in danger if I ever did? Was this said to discourage me? If she truly loved me, a battlefield simply didn¡¯t exist. How did she go from ¡°I want to go to Seattle with you¡± to ¡°You could be entering into a battlefield.¡± Why would I have to battle for something I already had according to her? Or maybe, I just took her word choice the wrong way.
ME: ¡°Well, I guess love is a battlefield. According to Pat Benatar anyway. I wouldn¡¯t come get you to hurt anyone, babe, but it also doesn¡¯t mean I wouldn¡¯t be willing to die for you if I had to.¡±
ANYA: ¡°I can¡¯t believe you would say that. That is the ultimate sacrifice.¡±
ME: ¡°It¡¯s not that I want to die, it just means I¡¯m not afraid to die.¡±
ANYA: ¡°That¡¯s so hard to believe. How are you not afraid of dying?¡±
ME: ¡°We¡¯re all destined to die one day, babe. No one is promised tomorrow. What better way to leave this planet than for something you believe in or for someone you truly love? I could then at least leave this earth knowing I didn¡¯t die in vain. That my life stood for something.¡±
ANYA: ¡°I have to pick up Katie. I¡¯m going to think about what u said. I¡¯m blown away that you¡¯re serious. Better say goodnight babe. I love you forever.¡±
After I sent her my last text and she had to break away so quickly, I began to worry what I texted her may have scared her off, but I felt if she truly meant ¡°I love you forever¡± she would understand where my sentiment came from. I meant every word I text her though, an unintentional test to see if she was for real as well as I elaborated a little more to make sure she understood its intention of protection.
ME: ¡°You know babe, I really would die for you. I have no fear of dying that way. I love you that much. I know it¡¯s hard to believe but it¡¯s true. I feel dead most days. The only days I feel truly alive are the days I¡¯m with you. I¡¯m not saying ¡°I don¡¯t fear death¡±. I think everyone does, I¡¯m just saying when it comes to you, I don¡¯t fear it because even though I¡¯d be removed from this earth, I¡¯d still be here through you. I don¡¯t expect u to die for me. I¡¯m a man and not only would I be willing to take a bullet for you, but it would be an honor too if it saved your life. I really mean that. I love you forever.¡±
ANYA: ¡°OMG! U just made me cry!¡±
On this day alone, the very same day we reconnected ten months earlier, we exchanged forty-three texts between us as the day carried a holiday feeling with it. I believed through her texts about Buble she was trying to communicate that we saw each other more often than not as she possibly feared I would end our relationship because we didn¡¯t spend enough time together. I saw her four times over the last two weeks, and even three times in one day, so I felt the time we spent with each other was fair especially considering how busy we both were. Carolyn and Debbie both told Anya they thought it was romantic I showed up at the movies to watch ¡°Night in Rodanthe¡± with he, but I did it not for romantic value but only because I missed her. As far as entering a battlefield I felt Anya misunderstood that I would never show up at her house unannounced to ¡°come get her¡± simply because of her kids. Even though I secretly wanted Katie and Andrew to both know how much I loved and cared for their mother, I also knew it was Anya¡¯s place to make that known and not mine, no matter how much I wanted to meet Katie and Andrew one day. I knew Anya wanted to be with me, that she wanted to wear my ring, so all I could do was remain patient and be ready when my moment arrived.
After our heavy conversation and some tossing and turning through the night, I wondered how Anya after a night of sleeping on it would respond about my willingness to die for her, and I got my answer early the next morning.
8:00 a.m.
¡°Good morning! Idk if I can say I¡¯d die for u b/c of my children. If I only had u I¡¯d feel differently. It¡¯s not that I¡¯m a girl. It¡¯s that I¡¯m a mom.¡±
When I finished reading her text, I could do nothing but smile and laugh, but before I could answer she quickly sent me another one.
8:03 a.m.
¡°I hope what I said doesn¡¯t bum you out. It¡¯s just the way it is. I¡¯d sacrifice anything for my kids. This doesn¡¯t mean I don¡¯t love u to death. Ur my hope¡¡±
ME: ¡°I would probably go down as the ineptest man of nobility in history if I were to let you die for me. I didn¡¯t tell you I would die for you thinking you had to do the same thing. It would kill me if you died for me. I would never allow you to do such a thing even if you didn¡¯t have kids! It¡¯s how I feel babe. It didn¡¯t mean you would do the same. Love doesn¡¯t take. Love doesn¡¯t keep score. Love gives. I¡¯m the man here. Men are always supposed to protect and keep the women they love safe from harm. I wouldn¡¯t be much of a man if I didn¡¯t. If I¡¯m truly ur hope though¡I think ur going to thank me big time one day. Would you at least sacrifice a spare body part though if I needed it though? Just kidding!¡±
ANYA: ¡°You can count on me for a kidney as long as my other kidney will sustain me to take care of my kids.¡±
ME: ¡°I would never allow you to do it babe.¡±
ANYA: ¡°I miss u.¡±
The genuine version of this novel can be found on another site. Support the author by reading it there.
After our exchange, I felt more secure in her love for me as it pained my heart she even thought for a second she had to make the same sacrifice. Love never kept score, and by not doing the same did not mean she loved me any less than I loved her as I feared she was afraid I¡¯d think that, but her love alone was a great enough reward for me.
While on my lunch break, I texted her to see how her day was coming along.
1:22 p.m.
¡°Ur going to be sorry u just text me cuz I¡¯m going to let it all out!¡±
After I read her text, I froze in fear and was afraid to answer not knowing what to expect, but fully concerned I had done something wrong. In fact, even though I didn¡¯t know what I did, I convinced myself beyond uncertainty I did something that left her unsettled.
ME: ¡°What¡¯s wrong?¡±
ANYA: ¡°I¡¯m annoyed that my mom just told me on the phone to eat a big breakfast on Fri morning again!!!¡±
ME: ¡°Oh no¡not again? I¡¯m sorry, babe.¡±
ANYA: ¡°I¡¯m annoyed one of my hair stylists just got engaged and she¡¯s totally happy! I¡¯m annoyed the stylist next to her took her boyfriend to see our movie!¡±
ME: ¡°She took her bf to see our movie? Who does she think she is?¡±
ANYA: ¡°I¡¯m annoyed I have to go witness a wedding! I¡¯m going to get my ¡°Chunky Strawberry¡± to make me feel better! So there!¡±
ME: ¡°I think I need a ¡°Chunky Strawberry¡± too now after hearing what all these annoying people are doing to my babe! I¡¯m sorry, Sweetheart. Why is your mom hassling you about eating a big breakfast? Does she know that annoys you when she does that?¡±
ANYA: ¡°Idk. She¡¯s always been that way. I have to remind her that I¡¯m 40!¡±
ME: ¡°I know the feeling! My mom seems to think I¡¯m still in my 20¡¯s living at home incapable of doing things on my own. She isn¡¯t much different from your mom at times, trust me! I can definitely relate. Well, I¡¯m here for you if you need to talk, babe.¡±
ANYA: ¡°Thanks. I¡¯m done for now.¡±
ME: ¡°Well that wasn¡¯t so bad. Don¡¯t let things annoy you too much. Your mom means well no matter how annoying she may be at times. I love you.¡±
ANYA: ¡°I know babe. I love you too. How¡¯s ur day going?¡±
ME: ¡°My day is going well. Just missing you, Sweetheart.¡±
ANYA: ¡°I miss you too. I love you babe. Thanks for being there.¡±
ME: ¡°Always.¡±
Anya was in her own version of hell as happiness surrounded her on a daily basis, and to know it was well within her reach had to make it even more torturous. Just like when the sun shone directly in our eyes, the love around Anya became irritable to her at times, but I wanted her to see and feel the happiness around her as I felt it was the universe conspiring in an attempt to make her a part of it all. The more things that annoyed her, the more hope it gave me she would do the best thing for herself.
On this first day of October, I began to think about where I was only a year ago, and how far I had come as I found myself actually being grateful all my prior relationships failed. Even though I was ow in my favorite time of year, I had a long work day in store for me, as the Form 5500 filings for 401(k) plans were due in only two weeks and audits needed to be finalized so they could be filed on time. Even on days such as these, it was a challenge to focus on work at times because it was less stressful to think of Anya as she was on my mind now constantly, and as the work piled up, my thoughts would stray to Anya to avert myself away from the stress and pressure. A temporary solution that usually resulted in only more stress and pressure. Later that afternoon as I felt bummed because it seemed I wouldn¡¯t be able to finalize as many audit binders I had hoped to, Anya sent me a text.
4:42 p.m.
¡°I love you Landyn.¡±
When I received this text, it lit a fire within me as I suddenly felt inspired to finish out the work day strong, which in turn reduced my stress level. It probably didn¡¯t seem like much to Anya, but just a simple text from her, to tell me ¡°I love you¡±, to just let me know I was on her mind as much as she was on mine, always put me right back on track to get the work I needed to do done. A must in the deadline oriented public accounting profession.
Later that evening, Anya informed me she was out with a group of thirteen girlfriends to celebrate a friend¡¯s birthday. After I received her text just before eight, I figured I wouldn¡¯t hear back from her for the rest of the night so I worked on finishing off ¡°Night In Rodanthe¡± before I went to bed, but a little after ten she sent me a text then asked me to call her in which I happily obliged.
¡°Hi babe!¡± she said enthusiastically when she answered.
¡°Hi Sweetheart! Having fun with the girls?¡±
¡°Yes! We¡¯re taking lots of pics! Can you imagine the noise level though with 13 of us? Ugh! I had to step outside.¡±
¡°I can only imagine!¡± I said. ¡°Where are you at? Wish I could see those pics!¡±
¡°Pendulum. I¡¯ll show you the pics when I get them. These girls are loud!¡± she said. ¡°You know, babe I was really shook up last night when you told me you would die for me.¡±
¡°You were, babe? I thought you knew I loved you that much.¡±
¡°I had a hard time sleeping last night.¡± she confessed. ¡°It meant a lot to me.¡±
¡°Well, you mean a lot to me.¡± I said. ¡°I meant it.¡±
¡°I don¡¯t think my husband would even do that for me.¡±
¡°His history would suggest such, don¡¯t you think babe?¡± I said. ¡°I think he¡¯s too much in love with himself to do that, babe.¡±
¡°Have you ever felt that way towards other women you were ¡°in love¡± with before?¡±
¡°No¡because I¡¯ve never been truly in love before.¡± I said. ¡°My relationships with them never lasted long enough for me to feel that strongly about them.¡±
¡°I see. I was just wondering.¡±
¡°Sweetheart, I can understand how this feels different for you. We¡¯re almost in the same boat. I¡¯ve never had someone love me the way you love me, and you never had a man love you the way I do. But know this babe and always believe it because it is absolutely true.¡± I said. ¡°I¡¯ve never experienced our love with anyone else before. I¡¯ve never gotten lost in anyone before when I look at them. I¡¯ve never anticipated their kiss. Never held someone the way I hold you. Never kissed anyone the way I kiss you. And no one has ever known me the way you know me. I just want you to know that.¡±
¡°I love you, Landyn.¡±
¡°I love you too.¡±
My heart broke for Anya when she questioned what shook her up, and it hurt at times I feared she didn¡¯t trust my words, but all I ever told her was sincere and genuine in every sense of the word. Although I hadn¡¯t shared the details of my past failures with women, I always told her the truth about what I experienced with them and how what I shared with her were mostly firsts. This was honestly the first time I was truly willing to die for someone simply because I didn¡¯t want to live in a world without her.
Our talk then shifted into a conversation about Buble and how the girls teased her for being the reason things didn¡¯t work out with the girl he was dating at the time. She also further informed me she relayed to her hair stylists to enjoy their relationships now because kids change everything, especially for her. After twenty minutes came and went as if they were twenty seconds, her friends sent a text to her with the subtle message to ¡°get her butt back in there¡± and with that pointed request, we then ended our phone conversation.
The next morning, before she started her busy day, Anya sent me a text I had grown used to, and looked forward to so I could feel normal again.
8:14 a.m.
¡°Good morning Handsome!¡±
There weren¡¯t many better ways to start a morning off for me than to receive a text like this from Anya, but on this particular day, a day that marked the sixteenth month of the night we first met, I didn¡¯t hear from her much during the day. You would think by now after days full of seeing each other, phone calls and text messages I would feel fine without hearing much from her for a single day, just twenty-four hour, after thirty-six years of a life spent not hearing from her, but I underestimated the hold love could have on me. How badly I missed her when I didn¡¯t hear from her, even all throughout my long-distance relationship with Denise I never felt the way I did about Anya as she was so much closer. I just didn¡¯t know how to handle the longing sometimes, in fear maybe her feelings had changed some way, as it was easy for me to lose focus at work and wonder if there was something I didn¡¯t know about. The problem with my sadness is the reality of the situation was Anya was extremely busy, and I knew this. She had so much on her plate mostly all days that for me to feel ¡°Hey what about me?¡± simply because of fear brought on by my failed past with love could not have been more wrong of me to feel. I knew, as a prideful man, I was more upset by feeling so vulnerable and weak than not actually hearing from her. It was just really hard not to miss her because I had grown so attached to her, but no matter how busy she was, she always found time to see how I was doing during the day, and I had to adjust my thinking at times like this to know she was never too busy to not be thinking of me.
Anya¡¯s flight the next morning was scheduled to land in Seattle, however the wedding was taking place in Lake Louise, Canada. From Seattle, she rented a car with her parents and was driving to Lake Louise. Little did I know what this trip had in store for us emotionally as it all started innocently enough with a text from Anya the following morning.
7:26 a.m.
¡°Good morning. Waiting to board. Sorry about last night, horrendous day. How r u?¡±
ME: ¡°Good morning. I know you were busy babe. Did you have a big breakfast? Just kidding!¡±
ANYA: ¡°Ok, u and C & D suck about the breakfast thing!!! They have not stopped teasing me about having a big breakfast. Carolyn text me at 5 a.m. to remind me to eat!¡±
ME: ¡°Haha! Sorry babe, that¡¯s funny!¡±
ANYA: ¡°I purposely didn¡¯t eat this morn! I¡¯m sure I¡¯ll be hungry once I get into Seattle. I figure save the calories cuz my mom is going to make me eat anyway.¡±
ME: ¡°Awww babe. Don¡¯t worry about the extra calories. You¡¯re perfect in my book.¡±
ANYA: ¡°I love you.¡±
ME: ¡°I love you too, Sweetheart. Have a nice flight.¡±
Although I didn¡¯t believe taking in extra calories is what annoyed her about having a big breakfast, in the back of my mind, I hoped it wasn¡¯t because she was afraid to put on weight because she was afraid to lose my love the way she lost Jackson¡¯s. As crazy as this sounds, even if she came back weighing a hundred pounds more after this trip it wouldn¡¯t have made any difference because I already loved her for who she was.
After she touched down in Seattle she made me aware of her current surroundings.
11:05 a.m.
¡°Light rain, baby. Wish you were here. I miss u.¡±
ME: ¡°I wish I was there too. I miss u. I love you forever.¡±
ANYA: ¡°I love you forever Landyn.¡±
It reminded me of the time she texted me in Laguna Beach when the sun set. Anya always found a way to touch me from so far away as it felt like I was in Seattle with her; the sweetest of gestures and another reason I had grown so attached to this beautiful side of her.
When Anya got settled she texted to let me know it was still lightly raining and her mother now shifted her strategy of pushing vitamins on her instead of a big breakfast. She told me her dad admitted he threw his vitamin out with his lunch, but sure enough when her mom learned of his antics, she made sure he had another one because they were supposed to be ¡°one big happy vitamin taking family¡±. She then shared another tale about her mother and her mystical magical purse full of snacks such as bananas, nuts, cookies, crackers and even apple sauce that were peddled and pushed on Anya all morning as well. The more she talked about her mother though, the more she reminded me of my own mother who always worried about me too as it led me to wonder if Anya had ever done the same thing for Katie and Andrew when they were younger.
4:04 p.m.
¡°I used to carry fish crackers and little snacks for them when they were very little but they don¡¯t like my snacks anymore. They r ¡°too big¡± for snacks from mommy.¡±
ME: ¡°But according to your mommy though you are never too big for snacks!¡±
ANYA: ¡°ha ha very funny. I guarantee if I ask her she¡¯d do everything in her power to get it for me as soon as she gets the chance. Best not to tell or it will show up every time I see her. ¡±
ME: ¡°I hate to break it to you, but she sounds an awful lot like a normal mother to me, babe.¡±
ANYA: ¡°See you always see the good in everything! She¡¯s like this w/my brothers too. I was very thin in high school till I had kids and she stills worries. I weighed in the high 90¡¯s to 102 till I got pregnant with Katie. I gained 25 pounds!¡±
ME: ¡°You still only weighed 127 pounds, babe. I¡¯m sure you wore it well.¡±
ANYA: ¡°The funny thing is I really don¡¯t care. I¡¯m surrounded by girls that talk about their weight constantly. It gets very old u know.¡±
ME: ¡°I bet. Especially when the weight gain is probably so minimal and normal.¡±
ANYA: ¡°Every time I look out the window I think of you. How romantic it would be if u were here.¡±
ME: ¡°Well if you can imagine what it¡¯s like being in the presence of pure beauty, then you would know exactly how I¡¯d feel if I was there with you now. A rainy night with you in Seattle couldn¡¯t be more romantic.¡±
ANYA: ¡°I just love you babe. I would love to spend a rainy night with you in Seattle. I¡¯ll fantasize about that all day. There¡¯s only a one hour difference on time. I¡¯ll be in lake Louise. Maybe we can talk tonite?¡±
ME: ¡°Would love to! Are you headed there now?¡±
ANYA: ¡°On our way in the car. We got picked up in an Excursion so I¡¯m stretched out in the back to take a nap! I¡¯ll be at the Post Hotel. Will be there in 2 hours. I have to go to a family dinner once I get there so I can¡¯t talk till after 10ish ur time. OK?¡±
ME: ¡°Sounds good babe. Have a nice ride in and a nice nap. Talk to you later. Love you!¡±
ANYA: ¡°Thanks! Love you too!¡±
As I prepared myself for the silence ahead until later this evening, just twenty minutes passed before I heard from her again.
4:38 p.m.
¡°Can¡¯t sleep. My mom is planning our breakfast and lunch for Sunday. Unbelievable!¡±
With every text she sent about her mother, I kept it hidden from her that I thought the world of her sweet mom each time she did as without a doubt my mother and her easily would hit it off one day.
When the clock struck eleven p.m., I began to give up hope I would hear back from her. Even though I would be disappointed I also completely understood as she was with family members she never got to spend time with. Not to mention they all flew out to Canada for a wedding and I¡¯m sure she had a lot of catching up to do with everyone. I decided to send Anya a message to let her know I was going to sleep so she wouldn¡¯t feel an obligation to pull away from the time spent with her family, but before I could send it off, one from her came through.
11:02 p.m.
¡°R u up? In my room now. If you¡¯re asleep. Sweet dreams.¡±
ME: ¡°I¡¯m awake, babe. How was your evening?¡±
ANYA: ¡°I¡¯m surrounded by single European romantics (friends of groom) and all I can think about is u. I wish u were here. I just miss you. Don¡¯t want to go to the wedding.¡±
Upon reading her text, I decided to give her a call.
¡°Hi babe!¡± she said with excitement in her tone.
¡°Hi Sweetheart! I miss you too!¡± I said. ¡°It¡¯s killing me I can¡¯t be there with you right now.¡±
¡°I don¡¯t really want to go to the wedding, babe.¡± she said. ¡°One of the European romantics wants to go hiking with me tomorrow¡±
¡°Are you going to go? I bet it¡¯s really scenic.¡±
¡°I don¡¯t think so.¡± she said. ¡°If you were here, I¡¯d go.¡±
¡°Would love to go hiking with you one day somewhere.¡±
¡°Can I add that to the list of things to do if we were together?¡±
¡°Please do.¡±
¡°Some of my relatives brought their children with them for the wedding.¡± she said as she changed gears. ¡°I really think you should have children, babe.¡±
¡°I agree babe.¡± I said. ¡°But at this point I would only want them with you.¡±
¡°Not with me.¡± she stated. ¡°But with someone else.¡±
¡°Sweetheart, we¡¯ve gone over this before.¡± I said a little annoyed. ¡°You knew I was okay not having kids after I met you. I knew the rules of engagement. What makes you think I should have them now?¡±
¡°As I¡¯ve gotten to know you, I¡¯ve seen qualities in you that made me realize you¡¯d be a great Dad. You¡¯re very sweet.¡±
¡°Was there a time I wasn¡¯t very sweet to you?¡± I said as I began to laugh nervously. ¡°It¡¯s very sweet of you to think that highly of me, and you know what? I think you¡¯re right. I know I¡¯d make a great dad, but Sweetheart I saw qualities in you that made me realize having kids no longer mattered to me. You matter to me; I¡¯d rather have you. I didn¡¯t fall in love just for the sake of falling in love. I only fell in love because I wanted to be with the person I loved¡and that person is you. I want to marry you as bad as you want to wear my ring.¡±
Her words threw me back to the past, back to my failures with women as it began to feel similar to when Denise started to pull away. After Denise left me, I vowed to myself to pay attention to anything I felt similar in the future and to run, but after ten of the best months of my life, it was like trying to run in five feet of mud. My low self-esteem grabbed me by the throat to consider maybe Anya saw something she liked in one of the European romantics instead? Could it be her love for me was being challenged by the European romantics with her on the trip? Why would she be so eager to text such a thing after she just texted me she wished that I was there? As these fears began to infiltrate my mind, she then hit me with something even beyond out of left field.
¡°Babe, if I were to get remarried, I would not receive any alimony payments, and I don¡¯t think your income could support both of us.¡± she said. ¡°I would have to reinvent myself and I don¡¯t know what I want to do.¡±
¡°How do you know my income wouldn¡¯t be enough to support both of us?¡± I asked as I held onto the knowledge of my promotion in June. ¡°Wouldn¡¯t you get half though? That would be all yours, Sweetheart; California is a no-fault state. Do I need to be a millionaire for you to be with me?¡±
¡°No. I just don¡¯t think it would be enough to support us because I couldn¡¯t work right away.¡±
I wanted so badly to tell her about my partnership promotion. How money would not be a concern for her at all in June, but I was bound by the non-disclosure agreement, and I felt if I told her, not only could it be known because her husband represented our largest client, but it would also be a complete betrayal of trust to the firm, and to Clyde. I was desperate though as sweat began to protrude from my head and onto my palms as I didn¡¯t want to lose her to false fears.
¡°I believe things will take care of themselves, babe.¡± I said. ¡°and I don¡¯t think money would ever be an issue for us.¡±
¡°I don¡¯t think our relationship will last because of my history.¡±
¡°Your history?¡± I asked.
¡°My history with my husband. His family. Their history with mine. My family would not be happy with me.¡±
¡°A true history of mental abuse? A true history of infidelities?¡± I said. ¡°Your history exists only because no one really know the true history that exists in your marriage, and that¡¯s the only reason why your family wouldn¡¯t be happy with you. They don¡¯t know the truth.¡±
¡°They still wouldn¡¯t be happy with me, babe.¡± she defended.
¡°If you don¡¯t think our relationship would stand the test of time because of your history.¡± I said as I struggled to fight back my emotions from pressuring her. ¡°Then maybe we never had a chance to begin with.¡±
¡°That¡¯s not true.¡± she quickly responded. ¡°I love you.¡±
¡°Then that¡¯s the chance you take babe. When you fall in love. I think one day you¡¯ll see I was worth the risk.¡±
When we ended our conversation, I tried to understand Anya was surrounded by family this weekend. A family who would be upset with her if she got a divorce especially as they all came to see a family member commit for a lifetime. I then realized this wasn¡¯t about an affinity for any of the European romantics but her affinity for me and how a family member may have said something that discouraged her. Anya didn¡¯t think I ever checked her out but I did the very first night I met her. I saw the scintillating gold earrings. The smooth dark hair and her glowing skin. The immaculate manicured and polished finger and toe nails. The perfectly fitted clothes and her alluring scent. The knowledge that her looks were not cheap as I believed the only thing that kept her married to Jackson was the money. The image the marriage to Jackson afforded her and it scared me the moment I began to feel something for her. Why I had left her at the restaurant so coldly. Anya was a sophisticated classy woman, the type I always found myself drawn to, but over time I found the trust she knew money did not lead to happiness. In fact, I not only bet on it but bought in completely because I witnessed her sadness on nearly a daily basis over the last ten months. I knew if she paid attention to the sadness which also represented her truth, there was no way her history would matter.
The next morning, a night I spent tossing and turning after our conversation about money and history, Anya sent a text that gave me some insight into her mood during our phone conversation.
6:54 a.m.
¡°Good morning. I think I had too much to drink last night. Still in bed.¡±
ME: ¡°Sorry to hear you¡¯re hung over, babe. How bad is it? Wish I could be there for you.¡±
ANYA: ¡°Wish you were here too. I could use a hug from you. I fell asleep rt away but woke up at 5. I¡¯ve been tossing and turning in bed ever since.¡±
ME: ¡°Sounds like the typical hangovers I get when I drink too much. Can never fall back asleep but when I do I usually wake up feeling a lot better. Well, at least you had fun last night it sounds like. Sorry babe.¡±
ANYA: ¡°Well I did it to myself so my fault. I miss u very much. Definitely not hiking today!¡±
ME: ¡°It makes me sad when you¡¯re not feeling good and I can¡¯t be there for you. I love you.¡±
ANYA: ¡°Ur always there for me. I love you. Maybe u can call me later when I¡¯m feeling better?¡±
ME: ¡°I¡¯ll give you a call around 1? How does that sound?¡±
ANYA: ¡°That¡¯s perfect babe.¡±
When Anya revealed she was hung over, her words to me last night made a lot more sense as the depressant effect of the alcohol took a hold of her. Her negativity hit me at a bad time when I missed her so much as two objects of a like charge always repelled against each other. At times like this, I really needed her to be positive because I was so down after as my hands were tied due to the silent nature of my promotion to partner in June. I¡¯m glad I didn¡¯t overreact to what she shared though and was able to let her communicate how she was feeling at the moment. The highs and lows were now so distinctive at times, they were impossible to ignore as the more I felt for her, the more extreme they became as I began to become vulnerable everyone I experienced. The high of our morning together and the low that followed when she told me she still didn¡¯t know. The high of our three-mini date day to the low of the next day¡¯s feeling of our love being wrong. Through it all though I remained tight lipped, but I struggled to be noble even as I knew her kids were near and I didn¡¯t want to pressure her. I promised her I wouldn¡¯t do pressure her again as I always kept the promises I made in life, but the more negativity she shared, the harder it became to hold it inside.
Anya text me about an hour later to share a moment with me.
9:25 a.m.
¡°Love is like a lump of gold, hard to find and hard to hold. Of all the ones I met you¡¯re the one I can¡¯t forget. I do believe God created you for me to love. He chose you from all the rest because he knew I¡¯d love you the best! This is in the program. Thought it was sweet.¡±
ME: ¡°That is very sweet. Thank you for sharing it with me.¡±
ANYA: ¡°Not sure if I love the ¡°lump of gold¡± analogy but I guess he had to pick something that was hard to find and hard to hold. Sorry I think too much!¡±
ME: ¡°Haha! You crack me up! I was thinking the same thing, babe. If he¡¯s got some cash he can find and get a hold of some gold quite easily though¡but then again maybe that would be like comparing his bride to a hooker. See¡that¡¯s why I don¡¯t write these things. His poem does rhyme well! How are you feeling?¡±
ANYA: ¡°Yea it rhymes and that¡¯s about it! I¡¯m feel much better now. Ate and fell back to sleep. I should get up and go to the gym. I¡¯m not drinking tonight. Interesting convo we had last night about marriage.¡±
ME: ¡°I¡¯m sorry I¡¯m so vocal about my feelings about marriage. I understand your concerns babe. It¡¯s hard for me not to fight for you to see things differently babe because I love you so much. In case you didn¡¯t know, I¡¯m not trying to say you¡¯re wrong, I think all your feelings are legitimate, it¡¯s just I¡¯m hoping you consider the good too, and not just the bad. I think we¡¯d be alright babe when it¡¯s all said and done. Again, I think you would end up thanking me one day for not letting you think about what could go wrong instead of all that could go right. What time is the wedding? Looking forward to hearing your voice again at 1.¡±
ANYA: ¡°Can¡¯t wait until 1. The wedding is at 5 but I have to start getting ready at 4. I love you babe.¡±
ME: ¡°I love you too, beautiful.¡±
Anya¡¯s marriage had jaded her, and left her full of doubt if another marriage could be any different. The truth was this though; she didn¡¯t get a fair shake at marriage to realize not only its beauty, but also its true purpose, and I was only in her life to give her both. As frustrated I would get at times with her, it was only because I wanted her to experience a real marriage and a real love. The way marriages not only should be but what they truly are and were meant to be. I thought about Katie and Andrew as much as I thought about Anya, and how important it was for them to know marriage was a beautiful thing with the right person too. I feared both of them would go down the same unhappy path Anya and Jackson did if she chose to stay. That they would always believe Anya and Jackson had a normal marriage. That it was okay for a spouse to be unloving towards the other and to pretend they were happy throughout their lives just for the sake of others. I saw an important lesson here, one both Katie and Andrew could never get from out of a textbook, if Anya were to do what I believed to be the right thing and to choose a better life for her and someone who made her a better person. A life that brought out the best in her for not only their eyes but for everyone else to see as they would all bear witness to a beautiful truth that love was something we all needed to survive that fill us with the spirit for what we were intended to do on this earth for others and for ourselves. Love made us a better version of ourselves, and without love, we were just soulless beings left to wander the earth never achieving our true potential in life. I felt I just so happened and very fortunate to be the man who brought the beauty and the best out of Anya as I just somehow had to keep fighting the good fight within myself to see the goodness in it all, instead of an unfathomable intolerable fallout.
When I called Anya at one she sounded super excited to hear from me, more than she usually was, a stark contrast from the Anya I heard the previous evening who was tired and drunk, as I could feel through her voice how much a lack of alimony payments wouldn¡¯t stop her from wearing my ring one day.
¡°What do you think it would be like if we were actually together, babe?¡± she asked full of hope and life in her tone.
¡°I think about that a lot, actually. Almost constantly. I think if we summed up all our beautiful moments and all we¡¯ve experienced together already that it would pale in comparison if we were able to love each other freely every day. As much fun as it all has been, I imagine it being even better because we could experience more moments together, like traveling the world together, so I know without a doubt our love would grow far beyond all we feel now, which is hard to believe feeling more for each other is even possible.¡± I stated with excitement in my lungs as I was almost out of breath. ¡°Do you know what would the hardest part about being together for me would be, though?¡±
¡°What would be the hardest part for you, babe?¡±
¡°Getting out of bed in the morning!¡±
¡°Ha! I know! How would we ever get anything done?¡± she asked in laughter.
¡°It¡¯s so true. I just love lying down and falling asleep with you. You¡¯re the most comfortable peaceful feeling I¡¯ve ever known. You¡¯re like the most comfortable pillow and blanket.¡± I said. ¡°My days would be always great though because no matter how crappy a day at work could possibly be¡I¡¯d get to come home to you, and how could a man be any luckier or any more blessed in life than to come home to you? I think about that all the time.¡±
¡°You¡¯re going to make me cry again, babe. I¡¯d be so happy.¡± she said. ¡°I can¡¯t even recall if I was ever happy on my wedding day.¡±
¡°I¡¯m sure you had to feel some happiness. How could you not?¡± I said. ¡°But then again, if you married only out of convenience, then chances are you would have remembered if you were happy, babe. Don¡¯t you think?¡±
¡°I guess I would have remembered if I was happy.¡± she said. ¡°If I ever was.¡±
¡°Two great kids did come out of it, babe.¡± I said. ¡°That¡¯s definitely worth being happy about.¡±
¡°I agree.¡± she said.
Anya had a good heart, and if anything, she probably felt guilty or feared she made a mistake by leaving the man she was engaged to before Jackson came back into her life. If she had that in the back of her mind, even slightly on her wedding day, then I was certain she wasn¡¯t happy that day as well.
¡°I still don¡¯t believe we would¡¯ve ever came to be unless we met at the time we did.¡± I said. ¡°It would¡¯ve been perfect if the timing was, but I really don¡¯t think you would¡¯ve appreciated a man like me back then. I think you were too young to be see the things that matter the most in life¡like most women that age. As hard as it¡¯s been on us, I truly believe we met when we were supposed to because we both had to grow to have the mature love we¡¯ve found in each other.¡±
When we got off the phone after a positive conversation about our love, marriage and our dream to be together, she texted me seconds after we ended our call.
2:38 p.m.
¡°I miss you babe. I love you forever.¡±
And each of those sentiments were also my own.
As Anya prepared to witness two people announce their love to each other for a lifetime, I decided to get out of the house for a drive. I just wanted to be under the same moon and stars she was as I imagined being there with her with the thoughts of our positive phone conversation still fresh in my mind. I then grabbed a quick dinner and a glass of wine by myself in the bar area at Luke¡¯s, the place we began to truly be, just to feel close to her. I then walked outside to where we first made plans to see each other nearly a year ago and stared at the moon as it shone on the water. It even brought me back to last weekend outside Sonomas when the moon gracefully shone upon Anya, a sight that eclipsed my eyes to all other things around me as I became lost in her tranquil beauty; a moment I wished could have lasted forever. I believed in the universe¡¯s love for both Anya and I as it naturally conspired to keep this feeling alive for each other through it, as the sun and moon always found a way to beautify Anya in my eyes and bring me back to moments I shared with her. Just like when the sun sheepishly poked through the clouds just as we stumbled upon our beach and even Venus lent me a hand last weekend as well. I just couldn¡¯t grasp for a second that if our love was wrong and we weren¡¯t meant for each other, why the universe would enhance our love so naturally.
After I took about a half hour walk alone along the beach outside Luke¡¯s, I got in my car to head home but before I could pull away from the curb, Anya texted me.
9:48 p.m.
¡°Hi there. Can you call me?¡±
Whenever I received a ¡°Hi there¡± text, I feared the positivity of our earlier conversation would be soon wiped away by alcohol once again, and as I picked up the phone to call, and when she answered in a down tone, my fear appeared to be legitimate.
¡°How was the wedding?¡± I asked reluctantly.
¡°I can honestly say it was the saddest wedding I¡¯ve ever been to.¡±
¡°What happened, babe?¡± I asked with great concern. ¡°Why was the wedding sad?¡±
¡°I wasn¡¯t sad because the wedding was sad but¡but¡¡± she said as her voice trailed off. ¡°but because of what I felt inside.¡±
¡°What did you feel inside, Sweetheart?¡±
¡°I felt helpless. The guy my cousin married is a great guy and I¡¯m happy for them. You should have seen the way he looked at her as he promised his heart to her for a lifetime. No doubt he is completely in love with her. They dated for almost 5 years. One of those years was a long-distance deal from Canada to Vegas. Are you with your family right now, babe?¡±
¡°Not tonight, Sweetheart.¡± I said. ¡°I had dinner at Luke¡¯s so I could feel close to you. I just got back in my car now.¡±
¡°I¡¯m sooo sad right now.¡± she informed me as her voice trembled. ¡°It was really hard. I had to leave the party.¡±
¡°What made it so sad for you, Sweetheart?¡±
¡°What makes it so sad? Are you serious? I want what I witnessed tonight with you!¡± she said with conviction. ¡°My side of the family constantly commented all weekend about ¡°how lucky I was¡±. Gag!¡±
¡°What did they say, babe?¡±
¡°My auntie told me ¡°I married well.¡±¡± she said in between sobs. ¡°I kept telling her, that¡¯s not what it¡¯s about Auntie. But she kept repeating ¡°You married well. You married well¡±. I had to leave the party.¡±
¡°They don¡¯t know what you¡¯ve gone through in your marriage though, babe.¡± I said. ¡°That sometimes people can marry well only to end up unwell. Don¡¯t take it to heart, babe. They don¡¯t know your pain, Sweetheart, and if they did, I believe they would comment differently.¡±
¡°I¡¯m so sad. I want to wear your ring. I feel helpless.¡±
I didn¡¯t know what to say as her unexpected emotions, all spoken in the greatest truth ever to be graced upon human ears, left me speechless as I didn¡¯t know how to comfort her from so far away.
¡°I want you to wear my ring one day more than I want anything in this world, Sweetheart.¡± I said. ¡°Don¡¯t get discouraged, beautiful. They all don¡¯t know what you¡¯ve found and they have no idea what your husband has done. I think what you witnessed tonight is possible for you too¡ and I won¡¯t allow you to think for a second you don¡¯t deserve it. You do. You deserve all the happiness this world has to offer, but you have to be true babe. You have to be true to those around you and I promise you this¡you will have a love that lasts for a lifetime.¡±
¡°I don¡¯t know how to do that. What do I tell my family? I have a big family.¡± she said. ¡°I don¡¯t think I have the courage.¡±
¡°Babe, you have the courage. You had the courage to approach me at Sonomas. You had to courage to ask me out on a date. You¡¯ve had the courage to still see me even when your husband was suspicious. You¡¯ve even had the courage to love me over the last ten months.¡± I responded in desperation, trying to hold myself together for her. ¡°So, I know without a doubt you have the courage within you...to love yourself too.¡±
¡°I¡¯m not¡I¡¯m not¡well¡right¡now.¡± she replied, beginning to sob badly she could hardly breathe.
¡°My beautiful lady, please don¡¯t be sad, babe. I love you so much, Anya. I know this is hard but you¡¯re going to be okay baby. Trust me babe. I¡¯m not going to mislead you or lie to you. We¡¯re going to get through this okay? We¡¯re in this together. You¡¯re not alone. It¡¯s you and me, babe. We¡¯re one. It¡¯s you and me. I¡¯m so sorry I can¡¯t be there to hold you and take the sadness away, babe. It¡¯s killing me.¡±
¡°It¡¯s¡ok.¡± she struggled to say. ¡°I just can¡¯t stop crying. I just¡love you ve¡ry much.¡±
¡°Shhhhh¡babe. It¡¯s okay Sweetheart. It¡¯s okay. I¡¯m here for you babe. You know I feel the same. Trust me, Sweetheart. We¡¯re going to make it. If you trust me, we¡¯re going to be ok.¡±
As I held the phone to my ear, not another word was spoken as she cried, with no control, tears that must have fallen in small puddles below her. What I heard over the phone on this night was all too real. Her tears and lack of breathing were real. The pain I felt in my heart for her as real as her own, and with every breath she struggled to take, with every word she struggled to say, and with every sentence she struggled to finish, brought with it more insight into the absolute undeniable depth of her feelings for me--for us. It was what she was up against and failed to tell me. This pure show of emotions could not be faked as true love was on full display, as the reason why I fought for her happiness was on full display as well as she continued to cry truly overwhelmed by emotions. What Anya held inside, was many years of tears that came down her face on this night as I talked to her softly for the next fifteen minutes to comfort her. To let her know I was there and I was going nowhere, but still a half hour away from home, and with no end to her sadness in sight, right in the middle of the closest moment we had experienced together, my phone lost connection as my battery power hit zero, and a part of me then suddenly did too when I realized I left my charger at home as tears now fell from my eyes as well when I imagined her now having to face this alone.
CHAPTER 14 ~ THE ATONEMENT PARADOX
¡°We, the unwilling, led by the unknowing, are doing the impossible for the ungrateful. We have done so much, for so long, with so little, we are now qualified to do anything with nothing.¡±
~ Konstantin Jirecek
Two hours later after I drove home and was able to recharge my phone, I called Anya back but she didn¡¯t pick up. I left a message to let her know if she needed to talk she could call me back regardless of the hour. Throughout the night, I tussled with a bed I could not find any comfort in, consumed by the sound of her tears, ones I could not see but would forever feel. The depth of her sadness pierced my very soul as I felt her longing for us greater than ever, a longing that gave me all the right in the world to fight for, even as her family posed another obstacle I never could have foreseen. If there was ever a night I wished we could fall asleep together, this was the night. The next morning, I texted her to again apologize for my phone.
9:58 a.m.
¡°Good morning! It¡¯s ok. Thank you for the message. I was sad when it happened but was able to sleep right away. All the emotions wiped me out.¡±
ME: ¡°I¡¯m happy to hear you got some sleep. That was hard on me last night to hear your pain last night. How are you feeling now?¡±
ANYA: ¡°I¡¯m good this morning. I heard my mom was shaking her thing out on the dance floor last night. The words my cousin used were ¡°the music was inside of her¡±. Scary.¡±
ME: ¡°I couldn¡¯t imagine my mom dancing at a wedding either. It would actually be pretty traumatic to witness. I could be in therapy for years.¡±
ANYA: ¡°Ha! So hard to imagine! My mom is very conservative. I miss u babe.¡±
ME: ¡°I miss u too, babe. I feel even more closer to you after last night. Just wish I could have been there to hold you, kiss you¡to let you know you¡¯re going to be ok.¡±
ANYA: ¡°It¡¯s amazing how much we connect after we talk on the phone. I¡¯m so in love with you.¡±
ME: ¡°It ripped my heart out last night when my phone died. Everything you¡¯ve ever said to me has so much meaning, but last night more than ever. I hated to leave you with all those words you needed to tell me, babe. It murdered me inside.¡±
ANYA: ¡°I love that u think what I say is important though sometimes insignificant. It was sad, but I didn¡¯t feel the pain because I went right to sleep.¡±
ME: ¡°I¡¯m glad you didn¡¯t feel too much pain, babe. We are truly connected in every way emotionally.¡±
ANYA: ¡°Yes we are. I swear sometimes I feel like I¡¯m living a romance novel.¡±
ME: ¡°I think true love should feel that way.¡±
ANYA: ¡°I¡¯m having the time of my life with you in my life!¡±
Her last text left me feeling extremely light. To imagine all the times, she shared with someone else, yet the time she shared with me she considered to be ¡°the time of her life¡±. We both went through a lot emotionally on a daily basis, her grief last night giving me a glimpse into what she felt too, and for her to feel that way made the sacrifices I made worthwhile.
This day represented a travel day home for her as I decided to let her go so she could pack and maximize the time she could spend with her family. She texted me before she boarded to inform me her mom was still feeding her like crazy and how she believed if her mom ever found out she missed a meal she would had her admitted to the UCLA eating disorder unit. Not to fret though, her mother wouldn¡¯t allow that to happen as she cleaned up all the remaining beautifully packaged cookies and chocolates left on the tables at the receptions and stashed them in her bag, something I remember my mom was notorious for doing after weddings if any extras remained.
Before her flight took off that evening, I received a text I didn¡¯t expect to see from her.
6:48 p.m.
¡°Light baby.¡±
ME: ¡°You¡¯ve done the impossible.¡±
ANYA: ¡°What did I do?¡±
ME: ¡°You¡¯ve made me fall in love with the rain.¡±
ANYA: ¡°I love you forever, Landyn.¡±
ME: ¡°I love you forever.¡±
ANYA: ¡°I was just getting ready to turn off my phone. On the plane taking off in 5. Looking out the window thinking of you.¡±
And that was the last time I heard from her until her plane touched the runway back in California.
10:18 p.m.
¡°I just landed. Can you call me.¡±
¡°Hi babe!¡± she said excitedly as she answered the phone when I called.
¡°Welcome home, Beautiful!¡± I responded.
¡°I¡¯m so happy to be home. I couldn¡¯t wait to be back here.¡±
¡°I¡¯m happy you¡¯re back.¡±
I don¡¯t know why it made me sad to hear she was happy to be back home since we could talk more when she wasn¡¯t at home, but I quickly realized she missed her kids, a dynamic my mind would forget from time to time, but still saddened she wasn¡¯t driving back home from the airport to me, but rather home to someone else.
After our short phone conversation just to hear each other¡¯s voices, I went to bed that evening with the realization after her trip I was up against another unforeseen obstacle; her culture. A culture that promoted women and men to marry well regardless of if they end up unwell. A cultural philosophy I couldn¡¯t disagree more with. Maybe it was an obstacle she never foresaw as well, but regardless I felt she had to know the cultural philosophy for staying put in rich but abusive marriages as it was another reason why she was still there. To allow me to fall deeply in love with her, even with knowing her aunt¡¯s motto to ¡°marry well¡±, was disconcerting to me as it lacked a sense of empathy for my feelings and emotions. As if every man was just like Jackson. As if Jackson was by all means, normal. Then to further hear she didn¡¯t think she had the courage to leave her marriage, further confounded me since she demonstrated the courage to pursue a full blown relationship with me over the last ten months.
Without trust, there could be no love between us, and that¡¯s what I did; I trusted and believed in her love. So much over the last ten months I believed there was no way she could ever hurt me intentionally as I felt when the time came, she would do the right thing. That her endless tears she cried over the weekend told me she didn¡¯t have the heart to hurt me. Not the man she loved. Not the man who honored her. Not the man who only wanted to see her happy.
The next day was a quiet day from her. I didn¡¯t hear from her in the morning and although it naturally saddened me, I also understood it was a day she had to get back in the swing of things so her silence wasn¡¯t unexpected. I never wanted to bother her on Monday mornings after time away from her kids because she needed to be there, fully focused on them.
Somehow though. Some way. A way all her own I knew she would let me know I was on her mind.
12:27 p.m.
¡°I miss you.¡±
Just like that. A simple text melted away my sadness. All I needed to finish out the rest of my day. Heart and mind secured.
After I text her to inform me of my mutual sentiment, she elaborated on her morning disappearance.
12:47 p.m.
¡°Catching up! Busy week for me. How¡¯s urs?¡±
ME: ¡°Busy week as well. Filing fifty-five hundreds for the 401k¡¯s up until next week. Day is going good so far but stressed out because of all the filing deadlines. Take care of yourself over there for me.¡±
ANYA: ¡°Thank you! U too! I looooooooove you!¡±
ME: ¡°There¡¯s isn¡¯t enough character spaces on my phone to capture all the ¡®o¡¯ s in ¡°I love you¡± babe for me!¡±
ANYA: ¡°Awww¡.text me later baby!¡±
ME: ¡°Okay Beautiful, chat later!¡±
ANYA: ¡°Xoxo! Sorry separation anxiety. Can¡¯t let go! We can just say ¡°bye¡± all day!¡±
ME: ¡°No joke! We really could! Xoxoxoxoxoxo!¡±
ANYA: ¡°I know it! It¡¯s crazy I tell ya! Ok, I¡¯ll be a big girl and say bye for now. Better get back but it doesn¡¯t mean I¡¯ll stop thinking of u! Kisses!¡±
ME: ¡°Kisses!¡±
Per her request, I texted her as soon as I left work at five thirty-eight. Nearly two hours later I received a response.
7:45 p.m.
¡°Sorry out to dinner w/the kids.¡±
Or with Jackson?
8:21 p.m.
¡°Have a goodnight sweets. I love you.¡±
By the end of the night, be it the stress I felt as well, I felt abandoned. Abandoned with a ton of feelings for her on this night. Maybe I shouldn¡¯t have felt the way I did, but I couldn¡¯t deny the fact I felt that way. Was my only purpose in her life, and the only reason she loved me, was because I brought ¡°color¡± into her life? She told me ten months ago the only reason she was still there was because Lance left her. Because she had kids and no one would be there for her if she left. Here I was, with open arms as wide as the universe, yet the kids held her back from responding to my text until two hours later. But by morning, when the sun rose, and I heard from her again, these feelings would exist only because of a mountain of stress and fatigue, but I had to at least admit, with every day that passed, so did my belief and resolve as this was something that was now harder to ignore. Again, I had to regroup and remain true to my motto of pressure without applying pressure.
The next morning when I woke at around six, Anya sent me her understanding.
4:40 a.m.
¡°I hope your fone is off. Hope u r sleeping soundly. Sorry I couldn¡¯t chat last night. Haven¡¯t seen the kids so I was busy from right after school till I went to bed.¡±
4:45 a.m.
¡°After dinner and homework helped Andrew sell and buy stocks last nite. You won¡¯t believe it but I went to bed at 9. I just didn¡¯t want to feel sad anymore so I slept. Waiting for Carolyn to go walking.¡±
Her early morning texts, the earliest she had ever texted me, told me I was wrong to feel the way I did. Even if she was with Jackson, after her texts I was fine with it. Anya¡¯s texts were like a rainbow after a storm, and it put my mind at ease simply because of the time she sent them as she knew she had let me down, her way of saying sorry without saying sorry, and any time she did that, I forgave her and forgot as well how her absence made me feel. Just before I stepped out the door to head to the office I sent her a text to ask what made her sad.
7:58 a.m.
¡°I¡¯m sad cuz I miss you. We walked 6 miles. We¡¯ll run 3 tomorrow and we¡¯re done. Andrew bought Wachovia, AIG and Wells. It will be a long time before these stocks recover.¡±
ME: ¡°He¡¯s smart to buy when the stocks are down. They were overpriced anyway. If he holds onto them for a while he should come out pretty good. I bought some shares in Wells the other day. Stocking up so to speak.¡±
ANYA: ¡°I agree. I haven¡¯t even looked at my statements. Don¡¯t want to. Andrew is just set up with his mad money that he has collected over years and plays with it. I do admit I get a kick out of watching Andrew and his fascination with finance. I do learn a lot hanging with him. He can teach me a thing or two. I even put up dollar bill wallpaper for him in his room.¡±
ME: ¡°He could probably teach me a thing or two also! How¡¯s his wallet business coming along?¡±
ANYA: ¡°Great! They haven¡¯t changed their website cuz they¡¯ve been busy manufacturing wallets! They sold wallets at the soccer field and made $200 in an hour!¡±
ME: ¡°What?! $200 in an hour! That¡¯s stellar! What¡¯s he going to do with his profit?¡±
ANYA: ¡°He¡¯ll probably use his profit from his wallet business to buy more stocks knowing Andrew. He¡¯s frugal! Didn¡¯t get it from me!¡±
ME: ¡°Well, that¡¯s a good thing! He¡¯s definitely getting a good head start he needs in life! Good for him!¡±
ANYA: ¡°I¡¯m sure you¡¯re on your way. Have a good day. I miss you like crazy. I¡¯m having a hard time with it all but coping. I love you very much. You¡¯re my soulmate.¡±
I didn¡¯t know how to digest her texts to me. She really wallpapered her son¡¯s room with dollar bills? Money is important in life no doubt, and I love investing myself, but doesn¡¯t that send the message money leads to happiness? Everything she told me she didn¡¯t believe in? After the previous evening, I began to feel her ¡°I miss you like crazy¡± were more obligatory than feeling. I understood she had to be there for Andrew and Katie, but how could she miss me so much and not even try to see me at all? After our textversation, I decided to test her with a heartfelt text, to see if she was being obligatory as my sensitivity grabbed me by the collar to question the true intent of her words especially after she referred me as her ¡°soulmate¡±.
ME: ¡°You¡¯re my soulmate without a doubt because it never scares me when I think about spending my life with you but it scares me to think of a lifetime without you. I love you very much too.¡±
I felt her response to this text would lend me some insight into her true intentions. That she understood soulmates didn¡¯t disappear on their soulmates even for a couple of hours. My heart was no joke and I didn¡¯t want her to feel obligated to feel the way I did. I wanted to know her true feelings and not fake ones to appease me. If she could test my love for her, I was entitled to test her love for me when I felt the need to, and I got my response almost four hours later.
12:21 p.m.
¡°You always know how to touch me. That got to my core. I love you.¡±
For the last three hours, I could barely get a thing done at work as I lost focus as I worried about what her response would be. When I received her text, I felt relieved, so much so, I ignored it, let my guard completely down and asked her how her day was going.
12:44 p.m.
¡°That scares me u know, about the part that scares you. Day is steady. Working on the Company X-mas party. How is urs babe? I miss you.¡±
The part that scares me, scares her? I didn¡¯t know how to decipher her words. If I thought positively, a soulmate fears not living with their soulmate during their lifetime, and we share the same fear or, based on how I felt, my negative emotions in play, did she know something I didn¡¯t know? Did she have no intent for us to ever be together? Is that why she was scared? As much as I questioned her intentions at this moment, I believed in love. I believed she knew what it meant to be in love, and so I decided to let it go, and to think positively about her exchange, if it truly got to her core.
Not a few minutes later, she helped ease my nerves.
12:46 p.m.
¡°I know I can¡¯t see u during the week and this weekend is my running weekend. Can I see you for tea on Saturday morning? I miss you very much.¡±
As much as it meant the world to me to see her in just a few days, I felt an uneasiness as if a wall was building around us. I guess I thought her tears would bring us closer. I knew her pain greater than anyone else did. I knew mine as well. Maybe I feared getting even closer to her now, but something didn¡¯t feel right. Even if she had a running weekend wouldn¡¯t she try even more so to see me as much as she could? We had three mini dates in one day not so long ago. Did her culture shock in Canada make her have a change of heart? How could she not have known all of this before she dated me? That¡¯s what perplexed me and it made me question her true intentions. Was she trying to come up with things like Denise did? Like everyone else did I ever held feelings for? The trouble for me this time around was she loved me like no one else had. So much so my guard came completely down and dispatched itself from me. Only her hand was keeping me from falling off a cliff and I wasn¡¯t ready to die. In pure survival mode but I couldn¡¯t ignore what I intuitively felt. I couldn¡¯t deny my instinct; the one that told me I was always right about the things I didn¡¯t want to be right about.
Later that afternoon we got into an interesting textversation about being single these days. A topic I knew a lot about; more than I ever thought I would.
2:29 p.m.
¡°I thought it would be faster to whip out ur business card than to enter your number into my phone. Idk. Maybe that¡¯s the old-fashioned way. What do I know about being single?¡±
ME: ¡°I usually don¡¯t carry my business card with me when I go out. I don¡¯t think it¡¯s proper to hand them out in a dating situation but I had one and you told me you were looking for a new CPA.¡±
ANYA: ¡°I don¡¯t know the whole single and dating thing b/c I was never really alone too long. I don¡¯t know how to play games and I know people do. I meet people all the time through business and social scenes but that¡¯s different. For instance, what does it mean when they say ¡°guys like a chase¡±? I don¡¯t understand why. Why would you? How about a girl who plays ¡°hard to get¡±? Why?¡±
ME: ¡°I¡¯ve always been one to wear my hart on my sleeve. I don¡¯t play games. Either I¡¯m interested or I¡¯m not. If people can play hard to get or play games then their feelings just aren¡¯t there for the person. Why waste my time chasing them? So I can have a miserable existence with them one day? No thanks. I don¡¯t care how hot a woman is. I don¡¯t have time for games.¡±
ANYA: ¡°I¡¯m just glad you don¡¯t play games cuz that¡¯s annoying. U either like someone or not right? Why waste time? Again, what do I know?¡±
ME: ¡°I couldn¡¯t agree with you more. I¡¯m too genuine to play games with anyone. If I like someone, I can¡¯t hide it. Just the way I am. I¡¯ve had girls play games with me before though.¡±
ANYA: ¡°Well if she wasn¡¯t interested in you why take it any further? She could just say no thank you.¡±
ME: ¡°Like most mature people would do! I don¡¯t play games with anyone even if they played games with me. I just move on and wish them good luck in their search.¡±
ANYA: ¡°I know u don¡¯t babe. You¡¯re a gentleman.¡±
ME: ¡°I try to be but I think chivalry is pretty much dead these days. Remember I dated a girl who judged me for opening a car door for her. She thought something was wrong with me. Turned her off.¡±
ANYA: ¡°Chivalry is not dead! You¡¯re a perfect gentleman and I think it¡¯s sweet. I love that about you.¡±
ME: ¡°Thank you babe. In my experience though, it puts women on guard so I almost have to be a jerk to them to gain their trust¡if that makes an ounce of sense otherwise I¡¯m too good to be true,¡±
ANYA: ¡°Well, u r too good to be true but getting mad for opening the car door doesn¡¯t make sense. I love you.¡±
The single scene in today¡¯s dating world was one of the reasons I opened my heart up to Anya if not the sole reason I gave a married woman a chance for happiness. I decided I needed to date people who knew what love was and a woman who had her heart ripped out by someone who promised to love and cherish her forever carried less risk over ending up with someone who didn¡¯t know what love was. I was involved only in the righteous sense of the word love otherwise I couldn¡¯t vouch for my place in her life. I was not in this for kicks. I got no excitement in life by having a relationship with a married woman as my passion came from my belief in love in its truest form. Only the energy of the universe could have brought us together; two people who desperately needed to believe in trust and love again even as I rallied against my fear of her falling away from me because of a culture that believed the power of money trumped and created the power of love, and not the other way around.
Later that evening, just about two hours after our convo about today¡¯s dating scene, she texted me again.
5:04 p.m.
¡°Getting ready to go to dance and then to soccer. Have to stop by a friend¡¯s house for a bit while the kids r busy. I have a small window to toast for her birthday. You don¡¯t have to text me back but I just wanted to tell you how much I enjoy our communication. The subject matter doesn¡¯t really matter. I could tell you anything.¡±
ME: ¡°Okay babe! Happy birthday to your friend! I love talking to you. I really enjoy just listening to you because I learn from you too. I loved hanging around my best friends when I was a kid. I could hang out with them all day long and I¡¯d want to. I feel the same way about you. You make me feel like a kid again and that¡¯s rare. I hope that makes sense, but of course I can do other things with you too! I miss you. I would talk to you all day long if I could!¡±
ANYA: ¡°I miss you too. I agree! Allllll day long irresponsibly!¡±
I guess it may have been different for both Anya and I as I¡¯m sure I provided an escape from stresses and even a therapeutic element for her in some way, but for me she was truly my everything. Even when I wasn¡¯t stressed. Even when I didn¡¯t need any therapy. I just truly loved being around her energy. She gave me life and a reason to live. A reason to believe in love, and that it was actually meant for me to have and feel one day. That I was worthy of it even when I believed for the last seven years before our eyes met it wasn¡¯t meant for me.
Before she went to bed that night, a full day of communication between us, she text me again for a night cap.
8:28 p.m.
¡°I hope you¡¯re ok. Katie will be out soon. Once I get home I will have to deal with dinner and homework so I will say goodnight now. Please text me to let me know you¡¯re ok.¡±
ME: ¡°I¡¯m ok babe. What made you think I wasn¡¯t ok?¡±
ANYA: ¡°Just didn¡¯t hear from u that¡¯s all. Gtg.¡±
ME: ¡°Hey wait. I forgot to tell you something.¡±
ANYA: ¡°What is it babe?¡±
ME: ¡°I love you forever.¡±
ANYA: ¡°I love you forever! Goodnight my love! Xoxoxo!¡±
One a day like today, when she sends me a text I¡¯ve never seen from her before, that had love written all over it, it made me feel ashamed when I questioned her intentions. She couldn¡¯t fake her tears the other night on the phone. She¡¯s not playing a game with my heart at all. Anya was just a very sad woman, and her sadness is even worse than she believed it was. My love, my place in her life, represented her awareness of this sadness whether she chose to call it such or not. Andrew and Katie¡¯s mother was sad and I wanted their mother to be happy and full of love so it could be passed on to them. So they could feel her warmth not her coldness. Anya knew how to love better than anyone I¡¯ve ever known and it was a shame she believed her kids thought she was generally an unloving person. I felt that needed to change more than ever. Whoever this woman was before we met, I¡¯ll never know, but I did know she couldn¡¯t return to that person ever again. Leaving her would only extend her sadness as I didn¡¯t believe in what her culture believed in; to marry well because I knew to marry well would only lead to end up unwell in the end. The more times I saw my mom in bed. The times my mom¡¯s Cancer returned. The more I believed this to be true.
The next day however brought another challenge for our resolve.
7:49 a.m.
¡°Good morning!¡±
ME: ¡°Good morning! How r u?¡±
ANYA: ¡°I¡¯m fine. How r u? When r u leaving for work? Want to call me when u get on the road?¡±
ME: ¡°I¡¯m good. I¡¯m leaving now.¡±
ANYA: ¡°Call me.¡±
It was a rare event for Anya to ask me to call her this early in the morning in the middle of shuttling her kids off to school. I didn¡¯t know what to expect. Did Jackson confront her again? With great anxiousness, I called her back immediately.
¡°Hi.¡± she said when she answered.
¡°Hi. It¡¯s nice to hear your voice so early in the morning!¡± I said. ¡°Is everything alright?¡±
There was some silence on the phone that lasted 5 seconds before she spoke.
¡°I hate to dampen things¡but Katie told me this morning her friend told her yesterday that she hates her dad because he cheated on her mom. She even told Katie her dad doesn¡¯t love her.¡±
¡°Oh wow.¡± I said disheartened for Katie¡¯s friend. ¡°I¡¯m sorry to hear that.¡±
Anya¡¯s information put me in defense mode as it made me realize why she told me this story. I felt saddened her kid would believe the reason her father cheated on her mother was because he didn¡¯t love his daughter and it sure had to feel that way to her, but I felt her parents should be made aware of how she felt so they could explain to her something called the truth. It was clear Anya felt this situation paralleled her own. I didn¡¯t desire Katie or Andrew to EVER find out about Anya¡¯s and Jackson¡¯s transgressions, but I felt the longer Anya and Jackson were married, the greater the risk of them both learning this and feel it¡¯s because their parents didn¡¯t love them, which was far from the truth. Everyday Anya showed me the great love she had for her kids. How proud she was of them. They were clearly her life. I felt the fact she wanted to be happy again was a show of love for them so this happiness could be reflected upon them. It was Anya and Jackson¡¯s duty as parents to be honest with them. To show them what love and a normal marriage was about. To show them marriages were realistic when you choose the right person. To hide a fifteen-year marriage riddled with infidelities and unhappiness from their children only increased the likelihood if they ever learned the truth, it would bring about negative feelings and emotions. To be in a serious relationship with another man and to remain dishonest with them about it only increased the likelihood they would be angry about it. I wanted to keep this a secret as well from Katie and Andrew. My goal wasn¡¯t to rat out Jackson even as much as I despised the man. To Katie and Andrew, he was their hero, and I wasn¡¯t out to destroy their admiration of him. If anything, I felt if Anya truly loved me, what she learned this morning could only inspire her to do the right thing and end her marriage.
¡°If Katie found out I was cheating then she would hate me.¡±
¡°What if Jackson cheats again?¡± I asked. ¡°Wouldn¡¯t they be hurt by that as well if they learned about it? Now that they¡¯re older, they will probably find out if he did.¡±
¡°They wouldn¡¯t.¡± she responded without hesitation.
¡°How would they not find out?¡± I asked.
¡°I¡¯d try and buffer it from them.¡±
I was really taken back by her response. How was she so certain they would never learn if Jackson cheated on her again? If she was so sure they would never find out, then why the concern at all on this morning? Then she would try to buffer them from it? I felt as long as they learned about his infidelity in a natural setting, without any interference from me, then wouldn¡¯t them knowing make me look better to them in their eyes? Wouldn¡¯t they understand better why Anya and I came to be? Why would she protect a man who lacks so much respect for her? It was things she said like this that made me question her true intentions and why I felt she disregarded my existence in her life and her role in it.
¡°I think the longer you stay in your marriage.¡± I said. ¡°The greater the risk of them finding out about the infidelities only increases.¡±
The thing about Anya that began to take its toll on me emotionally is how I perceived how she treated Katie, at just thirteen years of age, as an adult or as her equal. I felt at times Anya needed to be a parent and not a friend. She had to remember Katie was only thirteen, not thirty-three. Kids were always going to treat a change in their lives as if the sky is falling. If she treated her children as if they were adults, then she should also expect them to respond well to adversity, and to act maturely. Katie did not need Anya to shield her away from the earth with lies that Katie was probably aware of in some way.
Taken from Royal Road, this narrative should be reported if found on Amazon.
When I got off the phone with Anya, I didn¡¯t know how to feel but even though I began to crumble inside, I tried to keep things in a positive light.
8:58 a.m.
¡°Loved hearing ur voice too! I miss you, I love you.¡±
And then about ten minutes later, she sent me a follow-up text.
9:08 a.m.
¡°I love you forever!¡±
And this was the part of her I couldn¡¯t let go. The part that tried to make things right in the end.
Eight forty-six p.m. I always remembered that particular time of day for one reason and for one reason only; it was the time I was born. Now I had two reasons.
8:46 p.m.
¡°I love you. I miss your bed. I miss kissing u. I miss being in your arms. I miss your scent. I miss your eyes. I miss your face. I especially miss your arms.¡±
After I received her text this morning it was something I needed desperately to see as it led me to feel like a fool to question her intentions. I needed some assurance from her at times. My heart was deeply vested. I had come a long way because I trusted she knew what it meant to be in love. That her husband¡¯s infidelities led me to believe she knew how important it was to her well-being as I was the source of her self-awareness, not self-destruction.
After her text, I began to dream about seeing her in the next two days before our tea meeting on Saturday.
8:53 p.m.
¡°My massage therapist is coming over at noon to loosen me up for the run. Then I¡¯m working all nite to help set up for work event on Saturday.¡±
With this text my hopes were squashed and the positive vibes I felt about her missing me, again led me to question if she truly did. It just seemed at times, I¡¯ve heard every excuse to not be with me from a woman who claimed to miss and love me, yet it only left me to wonder if she had a single excuse to be with me. Why couldn¡¯t she meet with her massage therapist earlier and come over to see me? I just felt for a person who missed me as greatly as she did, she¡¯d find a way to squeeze in the massage therapist, and not make it the priority.
ME: ¡°Well, you know I¡¯ll be missing you. I hope everything goes well for you this weekend.¡±
ANYA: ¡°Me too. Thank you, ur so sweet. I better go help Andrew study for his test tomorrow. I better say goodnight babe. I love you forever.¡±
ME: ¡°Ok. Goodnight babe. Love you forever too.¡±
ANYA: ¡°R u bummed?¡±
ME: ¡°I¡¯m ok, babe.¡±
ANYA: ¡°I¡¯m sorry.¡±
ME: ¡°Sorry for what, babe? I understand.¡±
ANYA: ¡°Goodnight handsome. I love you forever.¡±
I left our exchange not knowing how she believed I was bummed out, but our connection was like that. Then again, what she learned from Katie this morning shook us both up a little bit. It¡¯s not like I ever felt Anya had no reason to feel the way she did. She had every right in the world to worry about her kids and how it could make them feel. For me, to come this far from heartache, to put myself out there to love someone so much, it required a lot of trust that she did not love her husband. That if given the chance, if someone was there for her, if she loved someone, it would be the only way she would leave. I trusted her words and that she knew there would be nothing holding her back from someone who was there for her. When she hit me with these kind of things, I felt she lied to me just like she lied to everyone around her, and that was a part of Anya I wasn¡¯t willing to believe or accept. However, it did lead me to question the possibility I was lied to as much as Jackson, Katie and Andrew were. Whenever I sensed the possibility, though something as inoculate as a friend of Katie¡¯s who hates her dad because he cheated on her mom and now feels he doesn¡¯t love her, I just felt was something I shouldn¡¯t have had to deal with at all because Anya knew why I was in her life. Things like this shouldn¡¯t have made a bit of difference to her because of the enormous faith and trust I put in all she told me. This kind of thing was always a possibility before she dated me, even before she dated Lance. How did it come up just now? What led her to share this with me after she knew the great sacrifice I made on what she told me? I understood her fears. I understood how Katie could feel this way, but if she truly loved me, Anya would think of a way to make sure Katie never believed that to be true, as it felt like a woman who loved me seemed to be open to ways not to be with me and that went against all she told me about her life, and the reason she knew very well why I was in it. Her tears told me why I was in it. To fully trust her intentions, I needed to see her find excuses for us to be together, not for an easy excuse like ¡°the kids¡± for us not to be together. Now I was beginning to become sensitive to everything around me as I became engulfed in her life. Everything she did miles away from me, I was right there with her living through her. I didn¡¯t just fall in love with Anya, but I fell in love with Katie and Andrew too. I dreamt of not only being with Anya, but being in their lives as well to support and complement their lives in any way Jackson couldn¡¯t. Jackson may not have been a good man, but he was a good father. This wasn¡¯t about replacing, but complementing so that their mother would be in a better emotional and mental place. I felt down the road, the kids would understand one day why their mother fell in love with me and why Dad wasn¡¯t the one for her, but the one for them.
The next morning brought a day upon me I never really knew of; the Jewish holiday of Yom Kippur, the day of atonement. I didn¡¯t know much about Jewish holidays and I didn¡¯t know if Yom Kippur always fell on October 9th every year but this Jewish Holiday was much like Christmas to me now, just one of the holidays I¡¯d never forget.
7:54 a.m.
¡°Good morning!¡±
ME: ¡°Good morning! How r u?¡±
ANYA: ¡°I¡¯m good. I¡¯m going to cancel my massage for tom so I will be free at noon. I¡¯ll see if she can squeeze me in sometime before I go to volunteer tomorrow night.¡±
ME: ¡°Oh babe. Don¡¯t do that on my account. I¡¯m ok. I guess I was just a little fatigued last night when I told you I was bummed.¡±
ANYA: ¡°Too late. I just got off the phone with her. She¡¯s going to call her other client to see if she¡¯d be flexible w/her time so she can squeeze me in right after school. I hope ur still available. I miss you.¡±
I never told Anya I was bummed out because she scheduled a massage instead of finding a way for us to see each other. I think after what she told me about Katie¡¯s friend, it made me feel her words of love were not sincere, but I should have known by now, we were connected. Often times I wondered if Anya may have the same narcissistic traits Jackson appeared to have, but this was empathy on display and whether she knew her scheduling a massage appointment over seeing me was something that bummed me out, she saw how something like that could make me feel, and she didn¡¯t want to take that chance. You could search the globe for someone like that, chances are you would never find them as Anya put on display why I loved her so much. She seemed to always find a way to calm the storm within me without being told how bad the storm was, how long it would last and where it was headed, an act consistent with being in love with someone and not the trait of a narcissist.
ME: ¡°I¡¯m always available for you, Sweetheart. If I wasn¡¯t, I¡¯d find a way. I hope she will be able to get her client to move the appointment. I know the massage is something you need before you run this weekend.¡±
ANYA: ¡°I¡¯m glad you¡¯re available. It¡¯s fine, I¡¯ll work it out babe. Can¡¯t wait! Have a good day! I miss you, I love you!¡±
I felt bad to let her know I was bummed last night but at the same time it was good to know her words and actions were parallel. Later that afternoon at about twelve thirty, on a day I presumed was a busy one for her, I sent her a text to see how her day was coming along.
2:13 p.m.
¡°Hi! Sorry I went to Yom Kippur services. How r u?¡±
Anya had been blowing off church services for the past two weeks, so I was surprised to learn she went to the service.
ME: ¡°Did you have to go?¡±
ANYA: ¡°Yes babe. Day of atonement. Feeling kind of weird.¡±
ME: ¡°Why do you feel kind of weird?¡±
ANYA: ¡°Why? Uh day of atonement? Time to reflect and consider? Hun, I¡¯m not saying I feel differently about us. It¡¯s just a serious holy day that¡¯s all.¡±
Anya¡¯s usage of the word ¡°uh¡± to speak of the day of atonement and it¡¯s time to reflect and consider was the first time I had truly been upset with her. The thing she had to remember, and we both knew the only reason she recognized a Jewish Holiday was due to the fact Jackson was Jewish. She was raised a Christian, again she made a complete shift to having the belief in Jesus Christ to believing he was some sort of sorcerer. Even though I was agnostic, I felt that was an extreme shift and one done out of love, a love she told me no longer existed between her and Jackson. Did she think that ¡°The Day of Atonement¡± would cease to come around if she was with me? When did I ever mention even in passing during this textversation that she may feel differently about us? How could she text me something like this as if I was Jewish and even knew all Jewish people celebrated a day to atone for their sins? Is this what she looked upon our love as? One I walked away from because she was married but was only referred to me as a situation as a sin? Her husband had cheated on her numerous times. The only way God would recognize it as a sin is if she still loved Jackson and that is why she went to the service and why it affected her. How could she text me something like this and tell me she is in love with me? If our love is now a sin in her eyes, what chance did I ever have? If our love is a sin in her eyes then what were her true intentions? Why all of a sudden did she need a ¡°Day of Atonement¡± to hold herself accountable for the last 10 months? Something she told me she would rather die that never have in her life? Something she told me she had no regrets of and hoped for many more moments? Where did this come from? With no disrespect to the Jewish people and their faith, although I didn¡¯t believe in what they did, my disgust with Yom Kippur did not come from their beliefs, but Anya¡¯s disrespect for how and the reason I came into her life. The tone in her ¡°Day of Atonement¡± awareness to me was as shitty of a thing another human being could do to another one in this situation.
ME: ¡°Shouldn¡¯t everyday be a day of reflection and consideration? Jewish people need a day or a church service to be reminded of that once a year?¡±
ANYA: ¡°Ur right.¡±
If Anya truly loved me, like she claimed for the last 10 months, this day of atonement should have only inspired her to do one thing and one thing only; to leave her husband. This exchange, her acknowledgement of what value this ¡°holiday¡± held for her, made me truly realize I may be in danger for my own life. That this person I fell so deeply in love with, was hiding something more than the secret of who her husband was. After allowing me to be a huge part of her life, the fact she showed any allegiance to him disturbed me beyond anything Denise had ever done to me. This would be beyond a heartbreak for me and something I knew I¡¯d never get past, if it was true. I didn¡¯t want to jump on her about it as in the past things I felt were wrong I had wrongfully judged her for, but this one thing here, just didn¡¯t feel right at all as she knew when she responded ¡°Ur right¡±, that I may had a reason to question her intentions. It was truly the first time I felt had a real reason with hard evidence to question her honesty.
I gave myself an hour or two to calm down and refocus my energies back on work. I didn¡¯t want her to sense I was bummed out again so I apologized if I gave her a negative vibe with my text.
3:17 p.m.
¡°It¡¯s ok. Sorry was getting my nails done so u don¡¯t think they look monstrous tomorrow! They were chipping badly from my trip!¡±
It didn¡¯t matter what her nails looked like to me I just wanted her to be with me as I now felt a greater urgency for us to be together or to at least know the truth, but was I brave enough now that I felt so much? Did I want to risk throwing ten months away if I was wrong? Her reaction to the this being the day of atonement really shook me up because I would¡¯ve never chosen to be a part of her life if I had known this was a serious holy day for her. That a religion she chose solely because of her husband would mean so much to her as it felt like she turned against me and thought of our love as sin instead of beautiful like she led me to believe she felt about it. I had put so much of myself into her without thinking about myself, if that made an ounce of sense. The problem was though for the first time in my life, I was truly in love. I truly loved this woman, and my heart made excuses for her even when she could never find a single excuse within herself to be with me, but I couldn¡¯t believe I could be that fooled. Or that a human being could be that cruel, twisted and evil. Not my Anya. Not the woman I loved. Not a chance.
ME: ¡°I¡¯m just looking forward to seeing you.¡±
ANYA: ¡°I¡¯m excited!¡±
ME: ¡°Me too, babe!¡±
ANYA: ¡°I love you forever!¡±
After that exchange, I felt better than I did and relieved it appeared I overreacted. Later that evening I texted her to see how her night was going.
9:19 p.m.
¡°Sorry. Out to Yom Kippur dinner with the congregation. Can¡¯t wait to see u tomorrow! Better say goodnight! I love you!¡±
ME: ¡°Can¡¯t wait to see you tomorrow too! Goodnight! Love you!¡±
ANYA: ¡°!!!¡±
Back to square point zero one and even though it was much later than normal, I got in my car and drove to the gym to get this frustration out of my system. She was out with the congregation? I couldn¡¯t believe what she had texted me as Yom Kippur, a day I knew nothing about for thirty-seven years, I now knew more than I ever wanted to know. Had Anya forgiven Jackson simply because of this single day of atonement? I walked away from Anya because of things like this--things that tied her to her marriage. I trusted her to be honest with me about them so I wouldn¡¯t be hurt by them if I fell in love with her. At the gym, for the first time, my stomach felt uneasy as I imagined her living the lie that was her life to a congregation but was I the one being lied to? After I told her to not use me to fill a void in her marriage? Was I the only human being sensitive to this ¡°holy day¡±? Was I overreacting? How could she look as our relationship as ¡°sin¡± when she told me she would have no regrets? How could she be so contradictive? Has Jackson¡¯s history of emotional and mental abuse towards Anya now been passed on to me through her? Was Jackson with her and the congregation? I didn¡¯t get it and I was sick to my stomach as I felt unable to move, paralyzed. Was I just a novelty to her? Like a dress she bought for Katie¡¯s bat mitzvah then returned? Was this how it worked with those she ¡°loved¡±? Line them up then pick and choose the one she wanted to keep? How could she do this to me? What have I ever done to her? I¡¯ve never cheated. Remained loyal even as I shared her with someone else. Why not choose a man who uses women to do this to? She¡¯s forty years old, not twenty. I hated to admit I was angry about this but I was. Yom Kippur bothered me deeply simply because it wasn¡¯t a kids¡¯ thing, it was a marriage thing, and I warned her about the fa?ade. How could she tell me if she decided to stay she would be choosing her kids and not her marriage when she was out with the congregation recognizing a holiday she only recognized because of her husband? You know, the one who promised to love and cherish her forever and didn¡¯t come close to doing so? I realized after this weekend, after what unfolded over the last couple of days and how it left me to feel that I had to pull back, if not entirely. I had to find out the truth about her feelings because even though she was coming to see me, I didn¡¯t feel loved. I felt used. Was I only good enough to sleep with? Not only did her allegiance to Yom Kippur discount my love for her but it also greatly disrespected me as it made me feel everything she ever told me was a lie. I needed to find out my true place and purpose in her life because at this point, I feel she was as bad as Jackson. Even her lies to Debbie and Carolyn about the real reason I was in her life made me out to be a homewrecker? She wanted the man she ¡°loved¡± to be viewed upon as a homewrecker to them?
The entire night I fought with my bed, and the thoughts in my head. Not a sign of positivity seeped through as I couldn¡¯t sleep on a night I simply needed to as I worked the next day. I began to see how this relationship that gave me so much life, now threatened to destroy all I had built in my career when I finally had gotten over Denise. This was the first time I wasn¡¯t truly excited to see Anya as I believed today would not be a good day for us if not the end. I decided to get up and watch some cable at two am hoping I¡¯d be able to get my mind off of things. I got caught up watching ¡°Unfaithful¡± with Diane Lane and Richard Gere, the same actors in ¡°Nights in Rodanthe¡±, but this time Richard Gere is the husband as Diane Lane cheats on him in this movie. Richard Gere then confronts her lover and is so enraged he kills him with the snow globe, he gave to his wife who ¡°regifted¡± it to her lover when he saw it in his room. You would think Richard Gere would have ended his marriage, but Diane Lane helps him cover up the murder, a very disturbing movie that did nothing to help me with my current anxiety.
When the day arrived, I felt things were over. Her recognizance as Yom Kippur as a serious holy day for her just tore me apart. I couldn¡¯t fake what I felt, and I wasn¡¯t going to hold back how it made me feel. Even though, I tried to fight the urge simply because she would go home to her kids and be an emotional wreck. As upset as I was with her, I didn¡¯t want to put her or the kids through that. I had to find a way to not be upset when I explained how it made me feel. Maybe she just needed to know and had no clue what she did and said. If we were truly connected though, she had to have known. I just didn¡¯t appreciate her defense of a Jewish holiday she only recognized because of him.
9:14 a.m.
¡°Good morning! Can¡¯t wait! C u soon!¡±
We made plans for her to visit me at noon, in turn I would leave the office at eleven thirty to meet up with her.
12:07 p.m.
¡°Here¡±
Seven minutes late was not Anya like. No exclamation point after here. She was clearly not excited to be here, I felt and to be honest, I felt dread not excitement on this day. I appreciated her gesture to move her massage time but if she recognized Yom Kippur as a serious holiday then it meant nothing. She might as well just kept her appointment if she was going to make me feel like crap anyway.
The very second she saw me when I arrived at the gate to let her in, she came into my arms and didn¡¯t leave them as it caught me by surprise. It was the first time I held her since her tears fell in the Canadian night. Anya gave me many moments, not all were good but the ones like these were so good, my heart could never ignore them as my pain drained away within my embrace. As she began to pull away and grabbed my hand within hers, a smile swept across her face like sunlight unleashed upon darkness. Her smile swept me away as well as I began to completely forget about the last painful three days, as if all I felt was absolutely ridiculous to feel, even immature.
When she came into my apartment and put her purse on my kitchen counter top, like she usually did, I cupped her face in my hands and brought her lips upon my own. To taste all I¡¯ve missed; all I ever longed for. I couldn¡¯t explain how being with her made my life so much simpler and so much better because I had the truth before me. The truth about her love for me. Her lack of fear whenever it came to loving me or allowing me to love her to the full extent two people can possibly ever feel. She was more than my lover, and if she was my wife, she would have been even more than that; an extension of who I was or better yet, the culmination of all I ever dreamed to be. Being together brought my world, our world, the one we created together with our faith I love and one another, the ultimate sense of peace, as if we were already laid to rest together, as if our ashes had already been strewn upon our beach. Our love never seemed real but it was the most real thing I had ever been a part of.
I anticipated, as she crawled upon my bed to me, the minute our bare skin would touch, how it felt so perfectly against mine. When it did meet, the excitement I felt was beyond anything else I ever imagined it would be. We never needed to make love because each time we were together, love was instantly made. As we kissed and touched each other, as our eyes remained lost in the vision of each other before us, we learned no matter how much time separated us, we were still in awe of and moved by one another. I couldn¡¯t tell you what this day had in store for us, I never did, but each time we met felt like the best time we ever spent with each other. After we absorbed each other for the first half hour of her visit, she turned to me.
¡°Isn¡¯t our love remarkable, babe?¡±
¡°What do you think makes it so remarkable?¡± I asked. ¡°What stands out the most to you about it?¡±
¡°How our love proves anything is possible.¡± she exclaimed. ¡°You make me so happy.¡±
Almost moved to tears when she said this to me, I had to kiss her to stop them from instantly falling. At a time I thought she would arrived with all the negativity in the world after Yom Kippur the day before and after Katie¡¯s friend¡¯s revelation, she showed me indeed that anything was possible. The woman before me was the woman I fell so desperately in love with. The one who needed my love as much as I needed hers. Her words left me to feel if she ever chose to be dishonest with me, it wasn¡¯t because she was using me or playing games with me, but because she didn¡¯t want to ever lose me. She didn¡¯t want to lose what she had found in me.
¡°Well, I think you¡¯re a remarkable woman, and you mean the universe to me.¡± I said. ¡°We mesh so well together.¡±
¡°We¡¯re two peas in a pod!¡± she said. ¡°Such a clich¨¦ but this time it has meaning.¡±
She then reached over and grabbed her Blackberry from my nightstand and began to cycle through it to.
¡°Here babe.¡± she said. ¡°You can flip through the photos but these are pics from my trip to Canada.¡±
As she handed me her phone and I began to cycle through them, my heart seemed to beat faster with everyone. I had never seen photos of Anya before as she was very photogenic in each of them, much like a model would be, but all her poses were natural, with family members at the wedding. I felt honored for her to have shared them with me as I felt I knew the woman behind the smile better than anyone else did. How many tears she cried on this very trip and what truly lied behind the smile. As much as I got lost in her whenever she visited, I got equally as lost in her photos and it made me sad as I wished I could have been in all of them with her.
¡°If I ever needed proof of your beauty, I have it now.¡± I said as I looked through them.
¡°I love you, babe.¡± she said as she leaned in to kiss me.
¡°I love you.¡± I said as I met her eyes.
¡°I¡¯ll email them to you.¡± she said. ¡°but please don¡¯t respond back because anyone can read my email including my office.¡±
¡°I understand. Thank you.¡± I said as I leaned in to return her previous gesture.
Less than ten seconds later after I had handed Anya back her phone, I heard my phone vibrate.
¡°I just sent them to you.¡± she said. ¡°They may be a little smaller than on my phone.¡±
¡°That¡¯s okay, Sweetheart.¡± I said. ¡°I¡¯m just happy I have some pics of you now.¡±
¡°Ooops! Looks like you have two email addresses, babe. I sent them to your work email address.¡±
¡°Oh good! Now I have something to help get me through the work day!¡± I said. ¡°I¡¯ll forward them to my home email.¡±
¡°What do you have going on tonight?¡± she asked.
¡°Just going to make dinner at home. What are you doing tonight?¡± I asked reluctantly.
¡°I have to pick up my bib at the marathon expo then pick the kids up at three-thirty from school. I have to volunteer at the House of Hope tonight. We¡¯re decorating for Halloween. What are you having for dinner?¡±
¡°Oh, I don¡¯t know yet. I¡¯m not a good cook so who knows if it¡¯ll even be edible.¡±
¡°I¡¯m sure you¡¯re a good cook. I wish I could cook for you.¡±
¡°I¡¯m sure whatever you cooked would be really good.¡± I said. ¡°Are you cooking for Katie and Andrew tonight?¡±
¡°I¡¯m making sushi for them tonight. Not real sushi. I roll up rice and salmon for Andrew and vege stuff for Katie.¡±
¡°If my mom cooked like that for me when I was a kid, I¡¯d never have eaten out.¡± I joked.
¡°Ha! I try to cook for them as much as possible. Usually it¡¯s late when they get home and they want something fast.¡±
¡°Well, I¡¯m sure whatever you concoct for them is delicious.¡±
¡°I¡¯d bet you¡¯d never tell me if my cooking was horrible. I just see you that way. Very polite.¡±
¡°I don¡¯t think I ever could after you spent your time making it for me.¡± I said.
¡°The House of Hope is giving away gifts this weekend. The grand prize is an all expenses paid trip to Costa Rica.¡±
¡®Wow! Really? Costa Rica?¡± I said. ¡°The House is doing well!¡±
¡°I want to go to Costa Rica with you.¡±
¡°Well, we got to win that trip!¡± I said as my lips met hers.
As we kissed through the huge smiles on our faces, her visit carried one of the most positive ones we ever had as it mended a heart I thought certain would be broken at the end of this day. Whenever we were together, it was so easy to see but when we were apart, it was hard to fathom, and when our time together had expired I feared the sadness that would eventually take all we felt for an hour on this day away from us.
3:53 p.m.
¡°Haven¡¯t stopped thinking about our afternoon. You make me happy. I miss you very much.¡±
When I read her text, I felt it provided all the evidence in the world why she needed to leave Jackson as she summed up everything I fought and sacrificed for her to have over the last ten months.
She then text me later as she volunteered to set up Halloween d¨¦cor at the House of Hope.
7:36 p.m.
¡°U ok?¡±
ME: ¡°I¡¯m missing you but I¡¯m ok, Sweetheart. How r u?¡±
ANYA: ¡°I¡¯m sad too. I¡¯m trying to stay positive. We have each other. Doesn¡¯t mean I don¡¯t miss you to death.¡±
ME: ¡°Today was a great day! I miss ur kiss!¡±
ANYA: ¡°I miss ur kiss too! I had so much fun with you today!¡±
ME: ¡°Me too! Going to just think about the fun we had.¡±
ANYA: ¡°I better check out, babe. I¡¯m dirty from decorating and I¡¯m going to jump in the shower. Goodnight. I can¡¯t wait to see you again. I love you with all of me.¡±
ME: ¡°Ok, babe. Goodnight. Can¡¯t wait to see you again as well. I love you with all of me too.¡±
And with that final text, my day with Anya came to a close¡until an hour later.
9:44 p.m.
¡°Costa Rica babe.¡±
ME: ¡°Ha! I just love you! Costa Rica my love!¡±
Or so I thought was the end of my day with Anya. Whenever she did things like this, and made days like today happen, it gave me so much life, more than even the sun could provide me as it gave me the hope I needed to believe in her love for me and what we stood for. Not for sin, but for truth and equity. All that was right and fair in this world. After today, I couldn¡¯t believe I was ever upset with her just a full day before. Her love made me realize what mattered. That if she ever lied to me, it was because she didn¡¯t want to lose what she found in me. A dishonesty I could manage to find understanding in, and she was right; ¡°anything was possible¡± as I aimed for compassion not anger and understanding over frustration. I just wanted to be happy as much as she did. October 10th. 2008 was one of the greatest days of my life to date.
The good vibe carried to the next day as we got to see each other once again when we met for ¡°tea¡±, but for some reason I anticipated the sadness of missing her far before she would leave me on this day. We didn¡¯t even walk into ¡°The Good Morning Caf¨¦¡± anymore as she just jumped in my car and I drove us to our wall by the children¡¯s park for what had to be the shortest forty-five minutes of my life.
¡°Have you ever seen the movie ¡°Unfaithful¡±.¡± I asked her.
¡°No. Who¡¯s in it?¡± she asked.
¡°Richard Gere and Diane Lane.¡± I said. ¡°It¡¯s a lot different from ¡°Nights in Rodan The¡± though. You should see it sometime. It¡¯s interesting.¡±
¡°Ha! I remember that lady asking for tickets to see ¡°Nights in Rodan The!¡± she responded with laughter. ¡°Ok¡when I have time I¡¯ll watch it. I¡¯m going to miss you tonight babe.¡±
¡°I¡¯m going to miss you too.¡± I said.
¡°I¡¯m hosting a gala in the neighborhood.¡± she informed me. ¡°A charity function.¡±
¡°I see.¡± I said. ¡°And you have a half marathon to run early the next day?¡±
¡°Yes, babe.¡± she said.
¡°You¡¯re a remarkable person, Sweetheart. I don¡¯t know how you do it all. Can¡¯t say I don¡¯t worry about you.¡±
¡°Sometimes I look back at all the things I do in a day and it amazes me I¡¯m even able to accomplish half of what I do.¡±
¡°No doubt, you¡¯re a star. Very inspiring to me. You make me feel I have no excuses to not be successful in life. I love your work ethic.¡±
¡°I try.¡± she said. ¡°The days get harder to get through more than ever. I feel so close to you.¡±
¡°I¡¯ve never felt closer to anyone.¡± I said as I withheld the knowledge the days were harder than ever for me as I missed her even when she was near me.
¡°It¡¯s such a great feeling to be in love with you. Intoxicating.¡± she said as her eyes fell and her lips moved into mine.
¡°I can¡¯t say I haven¡¯t been moved enough not to window ring dream.¡±
¡°Window ring dreaming, babe? What¡¯s that?¡± she asked.
¡°I don¡¯t know.¡± I said with hesitance within my breath. ¡°but ever since you told me you wanted to wear my ring I find myself browsing at what¡¯s behind the jewelry store glass on display at the mall. It¡¯s hard to find something worthy of the honor to be on your finger.¡±
¡°Awww¡babe.¡± she said as she kissed me again as her eyes moistened slightly. ¡®I love that you tell me that. How I wish.¡±
¡°After so much heartbreak that¡¯s hard for me to reveal even to someone who loves me as much as you do.¡± I said. ¡°I believe in us enough to be ready for that possibility one day, but I know you feel just as strongly about it because we¡¯re one.¡±
¡°We¡¯re one.¡± she said. ¡°We are one¡and I love you.¡±
¡°I love you too.¡±
When our time ended and our lips touched for the last time not knowing when they would meet again, the dread of missing her began to take shape and not ten minutes later I sent her a text to tell her how I felt.
11:37 a.m.
¡°I miss you too. I had a great time. I love you forever.¡±
I knew it would be another lonely night without her. It never made me love her less, it just made it hard on my heart especially when my eyes missed her beauty, my nose missed her scent, and my skin missed her touch. Later that afternoon, as if she read my mind she sent me the texts I loved so much to receive.
3:32 p.m.
¡°I love you.¡±
ME: ¡°I love you, Beautiful. Are you ready for your run tomorrow?¡±
ANYA: ¡°All ready! I¡¯m trying to convince myself that I¡¯ll be fine tomorrow. Idk why I¡¯m freaking out.¡±
ME: ¡°Sweetheart, you¡¯ve done so many of these and have come out doing even better than you thought you would! You¡¯ll do great, babe! No shame in walking a part of it if you have to.¡±
ANYA: ¡°Ur right. I¡¯ll be fine. Done it before. It¡¯s just another one. Going home to count my medals.¡±
ME: ¡°Are you sure you can count that high? That is something you should be nervous about!¡±
ANYA: ¡°Haha! This would be my 7th half marathon.¡±
ME: ¡°That¡¯s 7 more than a lot of peeps, babe!¡±
I was surprised to learn she was more worried about a half marathon than hosting a gala, but she did have ankle issues in the past and that could worry anyone. I toyed with the idea of waking up at five thirty and going to the half marathon to support her at the finish line, but decided against it in case her kids were there as it might have worried her if she saw me unexpectedly. I felt if she wanted me there, like her daughter¡¯s recital, should would ask me to see if I wanted to. I would have done anything for her at a minute¡¯s notice. It didn¡¯t matter what. All that mattered to me was her happiness.
Later that evening I texted her to see how her night went and her event went well however she was still unsettled about her run. She then wished me goodnight and that was when the missing hit me as much as it hit me when she went to Spain. I couldn¡¯t put my finger on why it hit me so hard especially after being able to spend time with her the last two days but this seemed to mark the beginning of a true deep longing to be with her. I couldn¡¯t hide it. Couldn¡¯t pretend. She was everywhere on this night even as we were separated. I caught myself watching on a social media posts from one of my friends on Facebook of an anchorman who proposed to an anchorwoman live on television. Her shock, and then her tears of the purest joy moved me to my own as I watched such a heartfelt gesture come so easily for two people in love, something I had but could not do. I then realized for the first time I watched a moment of happiness with a broken heart as it hit me really hard that someone I loved would be that ecstatic if I, just a normal man who believed in this kind of love, simply proposed to her. It was the first time in my life I ever felt secure with her happiness but to know I could also never have that with her was heart wrenching. The gala she hosted on this night weighed me down in sadness as I imagined her and Jackson there together, with the knowledge she loved me but believing she may have held something for him to be able to keep up appearances so well. When she text to tell me she was home and getting ready for bed, I felt a little better but not enough to fall asleep as I could still taste her kiss from today, see her face, hear her tell me she loves me. I then went to my computer and looked at the pics she sent me from her cousin¡¯s wedding, and then online to look at picture from a hotel in Seattle called the Market Inn as I dreamt of visiting Seattle with her in a room that had windows from floor to ceiling so we could watch the Seattle rain fall as I held her in my arms. After this night, I knew one thing was clear; I was deeply in love, there was no turning back, it was my last shot, last gasp at love, and I didn¡¯t know how to handle all the emotions that hit me unannounced.
The next morning, I woke up at five thirty as she got ready for her race to wish her luck.
5:56 a.m.
¡°Thank you! Ur so sweet! I love you!¡±
I just wanted her to know if I couldn¡¯t be there, I was rooting for her where I was. It didn¡¯t matter what her time was, she had a successful run in my mind.
I waited a few hours for her race to finish to see how she did.
10:11 a.m.
¡°2:11. Not good but not bad. I walked every water station. Feeling good! No pain! Thx for the text this morning. Having a beer at the beer garden!¡±
ME: ¡°2:11. You¡¯d finish a marathon just a little over 4 hours for walking every water station. You did good babe! How was the weather? Was it pretty cold this morning?¡±
ANYA: ¡°Actually the weather was perfect! Was tough b/c I didn¡¯t feel ready but I did it.¡±
ME: ¡°I think the same way at times. I don¡¯t know how many times I¡¯ve ended up surprising myself when things weren¡¯t always perfect. Sometimes you just have to jump.¡±
ANYA: ¡°I miss u babe.¡±
When she texted this to me, I felt hopeful I would see her on this day. That maybe she would get showered after her run and maybe meet for tea. I guess after our three mini dates day I thought anything was possible with her love, especially whenever she missed me.¡±
ME: ¡°I can¡¯t even begin to tell you how much I miss you. I hope you know I miss you very much.¡±
ANYA: ¡°I know hun. I love you forever. They¡¯re playing ¡°Brown Eyed Girl¡± at the Beer Garden.¡±
ME: ¡°Ha! Sounds like a lot of fun happening at the Beer garden at 10 in the morning. They don¡¯t usually have Beer gardens at the half marathons, right?¡±
ANYA: ¡°No, they usually have beer gardens at the end of every race and a live band.¡±
ME: ¡°Really? I think I¡¯m gonna have to go pick up a pair of running shoes and start training with you girls then! Although, I¡¯ll probably start at the Beer Garden and end at the Beer garden!¡±
ANYA: ¡°Ha ha! I just love you babe!¡±
I then felt my phone made a sound as if I had just received an email. When I went to retrieve it, I opened it to see a picture of Debbie, Carolyn and Anya together at the Beer garden. Little did Anya know how much that pic made my morning as it felt I was there with them as a huge smile flashed upon my morning face. Anya then sent a text to ask if I received the pic from Carolyn and after I informed her I did, I followed up with a huge thank you. She then told me she and the girls were headed to a place called Johansen¡¯s to eat after their race.
ANYA: ¡°It¡¯s a dive but been in town forever. I was told it¡¯s where true people from the city go to. This sounds gross but I love their pickled eggs!¡±
ME: ¡°I love deviled eggs if it¡¯s anything like that. Sounds like a fun place to hang. Doesn¡¯t seem like women will throw themselves at me there.¡±
ANYA: ¡°It¡¯s a good place to go and watch a game if ur not in the mood for a typical sports bar. People won¡¯t bother u or ¡°throw themselves¡± at u.¡±
ME: ¡°I really thought you were going to let me slide on that! Women don¡¯t throw themselves at me anywhere. I was totally kidding!¡±
ANYA: ¡°Ha ha! Nope I¡¯m not! I¡¯m having too much fun with it! I would throw myself at you babe!¡±
ME: ¡°You¡¯re the only one I¡¯d be happy to catch! I was just joking. Trust me, women do not throw themselves at me nor would I believe they ever would.¡±
ANYA: ¡°Awww baby. I was just messin w/u! I love u. Just got here. Ready for my pickled eggs! But I would throw myself at you anytime! I adore u!¡±
We texted each other briefly when she arrived at Johannsen¡¯s at noon, but I didn¡¯t hear back from her for almost three hours later. I knew she was with Carolyn and Debbie, but apparently, there was a group with her, and I felt almost forgotten as if she had done her obligatory pleasantries and now to leave me be. Whether that was true or not, which it probably wasn¡¯t, didn¡¯t matter to my burdened heart who struggled with the missing more the usual as the hope of seeing her faded away as disappointment seeped in and overflooded my mind with negative thoughts as I couldn¡¯t help myself.
2:33 p.m.
¡°Heading home to the kids. Massage girl is coming over at 4. I miss u so much babe.¡±
Her text left me to wonder if she missed me so much, how come she stopped texting me? How come she didn¡¯t try to see what I was doing and if I was available to see her for a few minutes? Or maybe I just asked for too much and had a rough night without her.
2:58 p.m.
¡°What r u up to babe?¡±
ME: ¡°Missing u.¡±
ANYA: ¡°U ok?¡±
ME: ¡°Just haven¡¯t heard from you over the last couple of hours.¡±
ANYA: ¡°Did u get my text? I told you I was going home to see the kids.¡±
I didn¡¯t understand why she was telling me she was going home ¡°to see the kids¡±. Why not tell me she¡¯s just going home? Why the wedge?
ME: ¡°I was just surprised I didn¡¯t get another text from you. Seemed odd.¡±
ANYA: ¡°What? I texted you all day! R u home? What¡¯s wrong?¡±
ME: ¡°It just felt odd to me. That¡¯s all.¡±
ANYA: ¡°Babe, you asked me if the pics were right after the race and I responded. I also said I was at Jo¡¯s and ready to have my eggs. I was there w/the girls and one more. There were 5 of us in a booth with the feed bags on and drinking beers. I couldn¡¯t be rude and not engage. I thought I told u I was checking out cuz I was eating.¡±
As I read Anya¡¯s text, I couldn¡¯t help but think how much her love for me would have never stopped her from texting me even if she ¡°couldn¡¯t be rude and had to engage¡±. It just began to feel the ¡°I miss you¡± was not as genuine as I thought it was. And who was the ¡°one more¡±? Was it Jackson? I didn¡¯t want to give her any grief about it. I clearly missed her but sometimes the longing and the hope of seeing her overwhelmed me on a day where I found myself too in love to do anything I used to love doing before she came into my life. Life wasn¡¯t the same anymore. Anya had a life, but to me, she was my life.
ANYA: ¡°By the way, the 5th person was my girlfriend Sandy who also ran today.¡±
ME: ¡°Ok. Sorry I questioned you.¡±
ANYA: ¡°It¡¯s ok. I better go spend some time with the kids.¡±
ME: ¡°Ok, babe.¡±
ANYA: ¡°Sorry I couldn¡¯t be there for u the way you¡¯re there for me.¡±
ME: ¡°It¡¯s just me having a hard day, babe. I shouldn¡¯t have said anything.¡±
ANYA: ¡°What happened? Tell me.¡±
ME: ¡°I watched this anchorman propose to an anchorwoman on social media last night and it hit me pretty hard. It actually made me cry believe it or not. I don¡¯t cry over things like that¡but I was moved by it because we had such a great weekend together. I feel closer to you than ever. I¡¯m ok, but I just didn¡¯t have the best of weeks. Did u see that video by any chance?¡±
ANYA: ¡°I saw. I c babe. I¡¯m sorry.¡±
ME: ¡°I¡¯m fine, Sweetheart. Please enjoy your evening with the kids. I¡¯m good.¡±
After her visit on Friday, I watched her leave never feeling happier. I felt I could wait this out no longer how long it took after Friday, but then Saturday comes and I was still happy. The good vibes just carried forward. Then I see the video of the anchor woman being proposed to and knowing I had that with Anya and she wasn¡¯t with me just tore me apart. The mere thought of our love and the schism between us made me sad. In all my years of life, the only person I ever found that kind of love for was with someone I couldn¡¯t have? How is this possible? This felt at times this was either the greatest love or the cruelest joke but nothing in between. I just get tired of hurting and her telling me she¡¯s hurting just as much yet she¡¯s out having the time of her life and not paralyzed like I now as. Unable to move. At the same time though, I wanted her to not be like I was. I knew how incapacitating it was, and I was glad she did things but that¡¯s how deeply I felt for her, and I was the one with the real freedom to do anything I wanted. It just left me to feel I was good enough to sleep with and see a couple of hours during the week, and not good enough to be with. That she wasn¡¯t proud of us or me, the man she claimed to love with all of her. I texted her at around eight pm to see how she was doing but she responded that she was out with her kids for dinner. I then decided it was best to call it a night and put an end to the sad thoughts I had the best way I knew how; by falling asleep. About an hour later though, she texted me.
9:22 p.m.
¡°I wish things were different. You haven¡¯t left my mind. Thought about you all day. I fantasize about your proposal a lot since our talk about jewelry window shopping.¡±
ME: ¡°I¡¯m flattered, babe. That proposal clip really got to me.¡±
ANYA: ¡°When I saw that clip the first thing I thought was ¡°lucky couple¡±. I was sad too.
ME: ¡°I¡¯m sorry I let it get me down. Sorry if I ruined your day at all. I didn¡¯t mean to do that to you.¡±
ANYA: ¡°I¡¯m sorry it was hard for u. I really did try today. If I stopped texting when I got to Jo¡¯s it wasn¡¯t intentional. I was just trying to get food in me.¡±
ME: ¡°I know babe. You shouldn¡¯t feel the need to text me all day anyway. I need to get more of a life. I wouldn¡¯t want you to ever text me out of obligation or fear. I would only want to hear from you if you want to text me. I love you.¡±
ANYA: ¡°I love you with all my heart. Goodnight.¡±
ME: ¡°Thanks babe for being there. Sweet dreams.¡±
Anya and I texted a lot and for me to feel she didn¡¯t text me enough during the day was astounding to believe, let alone the complaint came from me. The last thing I wanted for her to do was send me a text because if she didn¡¯t I might be upset. I wouldn¡¯t have wanted her to do that with me. I also had to remember, she had just run a half marathon and probably didn¡¯t feel she looked her best and I would have probably not wanted to see her as well simply for that fact alone. At any rate, these feelings I had were the impetus of something larger on the horizon as our love was about to face its biggest test.
CHAPTER 15 ~ VISIONS OF SECURITY
¡°When love is not madness, it is not love.¡±
~ Calderon de la Barca
The following morning, Anya true to her form as she did every morning when she got the chance to do so, sent me a text.
8:07 a.m.
¡°Good morning! How r u feeling this morning?¡±
ME: ¡°I¡¯m feeling much better. Have no choice. Start of a new week! How r u babe? Are u sore at all after your race?¡±
ANYA: ¡°Better now that you¡¯re better! A little sore this morn. Decided to skip the workout. R u in Irvine today?¡±
ME: ¡°Yeah I¡¯m in Irvine today. I apologize for giving you some grief yesterday about the texting. I just miss you a lot. We had a great weekend. That¡¯s all I can say. Just a lot of missing talking.¡±
ANYA: ¡°I know what you mean. We¡¯re in the same boat. I would be the happiest girl¡I miss u more than ever and it¡¯s not getting easier. My body aches for u. I love you.¡±
ME: ¡°I never knew I could ever love someone this much. As much as I believed in love. I never thought these feelings of sadness when the person I loved is away from me could never manifest itself the way they have. How could this feeling of longing grab me so much? Hard to believe feeling this way about anyone was ever possible. It¡¯s just crazy.¡±
ANYA: ¡°I know babe, it is. Just know that just b/c I can¡¯t or don¡¯t text u doesn¡¯t mean ur not on my mind. Remember I love you forever.¡±
ME: ¡°That means everything to me, babe. I love you forever too.¡±
Her words calmed the rising and raging sea inside my head as my heart, the tiny vessel I used to navigate against the surprise storm surges came to a floating peace. Things that leaned towards a devotion to her husband and to her marriage now didn¡¯t have to be big to be felt as I could feel a one point zero on the Richter scale now. ¡°Remember I love you forever¡± meant a lot. As simple as the words seemed to be, they carried assurance and trust within them; the very two things I needed to feel at this time as I headed into a busy work week ahead. The last thing I would¡¯ve ever wanted Anya to feel was that she had to text me. I didn¡¯t want her to feel that way at all. I guess I failed to realize how not hearing from her naturally made me sad and increased my longing for her. She was never a luxury in my life. If she was, I wouldn¡¯t have been with her. She was truly a need; the reason for all and any happiness I ever felt in life. My soulmate and best friend; two powerful components when combined together as they also carried the ability to keep me together, and to blow me apart. A truth I was beginning to learn and had no prior experience of understanding of enough to not be so affected by it. I spent a lifetime by myself with no one I could picture seeing a future with, so much so, I began to lose sight of a future with anyone, but now that I did, I feared to lose it and reacted in response to combat the fear. The truth was, as much as I claimed to fear nothing, even losing my life for love, I feared losing Anya as I viewed it the same as dying.
Later that day, I received a call from a friend of mine to see if I wanted to go a Dodgers playoff game. I¡¯ve never attended a playoff game before as they were matched up against the World Series favorite Philadelphia Phillies and trailed the series two games to one. It was a big game for the Dodgers as they couldn¡¯t afford to go down three games to one if they lost. Even with this possibility, I wasn¡¯t sure if I wanted to go because it was a long drive from Irvine to Dodgers Stadium especially at rush hour when people were trying to get home. Not only that, I was not much of a Dodgers fan since they changed ownership so many times, went on a free agent spending spree that depleted their farm system and produced more failure as I transformed myself into a Angels fan in the early nineties as they became what the Dodgers use to be. At any rate, it was an important playoff game and I¡¯d never been to one before so I accepted his offer.
At around noon, Anya texted to let me know she started her online nursing continuing education units on this day, as her announcement filled my heart with hope for us as it encouraged my belief she would do the right thing. I then told her I would be heading to the Dodgers game for the evening and she seemed more excited about me going to the game than I was. As we ended our conversation, all I could think about was how supportive and empathetic her texts left me to feel about her, that if we were together our independence wouldn¡¯t be looked upon with skepticism but excitement for one another. The only things that made it hard for me was she shared a bed with another man, and that¡¯s why I couldn¡¯t be as excited for her as she was for me because most things she did was in support of her marriage, a union she led me to believe would change only if someone was there for her.
In the middle of my drive on the five freeway on my way to Chavez Ravine as I picked up my friend and offered to drive since the ticket was free, my phone began to vibrate and its red light began to blink.
6:09 p.m.
¡°Have a great time at the game! I miss u more than u know, Landyn. I love you.¡±
Her text on my drive to the game meant a lot, and of course, if I could pick one person to go this game with, anyone in this world, it wouldn¡¯t have been a famous person at all, it would have been her, and I communicated that very sentiment to her as traffic held my car in a holding pattern. Forty minutes later, as my car rolled into the Dodger Stadium parking lot, she sent a follow-up text.
6:49 p.m.
¡°Just want you to know you¡¯ve changed my life forever. It has been the best 10 months of my life. True love does exist. You made me a believer. I¡¯ll be watching the game with Andrew.¡±
As my heart and mind absorbed her words, my eyes began to water. It just meant that much to me that I meant that much to her. That no matter how much fear surrounded her, she knew that much was true and undeniable. Even if she were to stay, solely out of fear, she would no longer be the same person, no longer under the spell of what she experienced from and with Jackson. Even if our love had hurt Katie and Andrew, she knew and felt like an angina, she did it for nothing less than true love, a love the universe intended for all of us to have in life as we naturally yet unknowingly navigated towards, no matter the consequences. Our love, my love for Anya, was for nothing less than for her well-being, a promotion of her state of happiness. Her actions and words which led us both here were the most real thing the Earth could offer any two human beings. There was a reason for our love, and the reason was solely for her well-being, and to escape a life of mental and emotional abuse from a man who claimed to love her who failed time and time again to do so. A text like this is what made me believe and trust in her love for me, because I felt like a need for her, and not a luxury, and I¡¯ll be damned if she wasn¡¯t going to have what she needed from me one day even if I struggled with her intentions. There¡¯s just no way anyone would say and do things of this magnitude to anyone just for fun, as this text, and other like it, led me to fight for her.
ME: ¡°I¡¯m honored you feel that way, and it means everything to me simply because although I¡¯m not your everything, you are my everything. These last 10 months have truly been the best months of my life too. I had given up on love for years but you¡¯ve made me every bit of a believer too. I will never be the same again.¡±
ANYA: ¡°That was beautiful babe. Thank you. That makes me sad when u say you¡¯re not my everything. You¡¯re my everything in many ways.¡±
ME: ¡°Sorry to make you sad, Sweetheart. I meant I understand I can¡¯t be your everything, that¡¯s all. If things were different, I know I would be your everything. That¡¯s how safe you make me feel. I love you forever!¡±
ANYA: ¡°Forever babe!¡±
Although I was with a friend at the game, I could¡¯ve talked with Anya the entire time. How often could a man genuinely feel that way at a sporting event? My feelings for her were just that strong and nothing I could ignore even with a most valiant effort. Another reason I fought so desperately to stay positive so we could be together when the time came.
As the evening progressed, Anya and I texted each other off and on during the game, as it reminded me of the Patriots-Giants Super Bowl we watched together through electronic media. As the top of the 8th inning arrived, the Dodgers led the Phillies 5-3. Game Four was a pivotal game in the series as I quickly realized the mood of fans at these playoff games were not as relaxed as the regular season games, which made a baseball game so much more exciting, I probably couldn¡¯t go see a regular season game again. The Dodgers dropped the first two games of the series in Philadelphia by the scores of 3-2 and 8-5, respectively but the Dodgers pounded the Phillies in Game 3 back at home by the score of 7-2. During this time, my friend had a few drinks too many and began cursing as we were seated in the right field pavilion, a place where many kids were present. My friend was actually warned an inning before by a parent, seated in front of us, to not use curse words, but telling that to him was like telling him not to stop. It was a playoff game, and he was a huge Dodgers fan as those two facts presented a flood of uncontainable emotions. Well, just before the 8th inning could start, an usher came down and removed my friend from the stadium which left me there alone. It was the first time I ever went to a game and was with anyone who got tossed so I didn¡¯t know what to do. I followed him as they escorted him from his seat but they decided not to throw him out but to quarantine him in a section of the stadium below the right field pavilion. I asked him if he wanted to leave as it would be a good time since we could beat the traffic and make it back home in good time, but he insisted I go back to my seat and we stay until the end. After he belted out a few choice curse words telling me to get back to my seat as he tried to figure out a way to sneak away from his confined space, I arrived at my seat just in time to see Matt Stairs three run blast that would hold up as the Phillies took a commanding three games to one lead in the series they would not relinquish.
8:07 p.m.
¡°U guys are loud!!! Good game up until that home run! Have fun!¡±
ME: ¡°You¡¯re not going to believe this but my friend just got kicked out! They quarantined him below the right field pavilion.¡±
ANYA: ¡°No way! What r u going to do?¡±
ME: ¡°We¡¯re going to stick it out. He¡¯s trying to sneak his way back in.¡±
ANYA: ¡°It¡¯s a wild night!¡±
ME: ¡°You¡¯re telling me! Too wild for me!¡±
ANYA: ¡°R u drinking, babe?¡±
ME: ¡°I had a couple beers but my friend had a couple hundred! I¡¯m driving though so we¡¯ll be okay.¡±
ANYA: ¡°Ok. Be careful tonight. Going to say goodnight. I love you forever.¡±
ME: ¡°Thanks my love. Goodnight. Chat tomorrow. I love you forever.¡±
The Dodgers ended up losing the game 7-5. My friend never made it back in the stadium. And to top it off, we got stuck in traffic for three hours before we made it home at around midnight, but all I could do the entire time was smile all because Anya¡¯s love made me forget about all that went wrong.
As sure as the sun rose in the morning, Anya sent me a good morning text.
8:07 p.m.
¡°Good morning! Thx for the text last nite. I was worried about u. Too bad for the Dodgers. I bet ur tired this morning.¡±
ME: ¡°Good morning! I¡¯m beat already and I just woke up! Long night waiting for traffic to clear up. You almost have to leave by the 7th inning just to make it home at a reasonable time. The Dodgers blew it last night but they¡¯re up against a great team. How r u?¡±
ANYA: ¡°I woke up early thinking about us and couldn¡¯t go back to sleep. The holiday season scares me. I miss u.¡±
I didn¡¯t know how to interpret her last text about the holiday season scaring her. I remembered last holiday season and how busy she was, but we just started our relationship. I knew one cold hard truth when she made me aware of her concern; it was going to be a lot harder this holiday season than last. If I missed her as bad as I did over the previous weekend, could I stomach a month¡¯s absence while she played the role of happy wife and mother to family and friends who didn¡¯t know the truth? If Yom Kippur bothered me, how would I feel about Hanukkah?
ME: ¡°I understand. Things are different this year than they were last year. We¡¯re a lot closer. We miss each other constantly and love each more than ever and it¡¯s not getting any easier. We aren¡¯t the two same people we were last year. We¡¯re one now.¡±
ANYA: ¡°I know, babe. Idk about Friday night because it¡¯s Debbie birthday but can you meet me for tea on Saturday? I can¡¯t leave Debbie on her birthday nite.¡±
ME: ¡°I totally understand babe. Would love to see you on Saturday if it¡¯s possible. What scares you the most about the holiday season?¡±
ANYA: ¡°I thought how difficult this holiday season will be b/c I want to spend it with you.¡±
Her powerful words hit me with such great precision it teared me up to read them. I guess mostly because it was exactly what I wanted to hear from her yet never expected to, and I felt the same way. It also made me sad to read as well because of what Jackson had taken away from her by his infidelities, his mental and emotional abuses; to take the happiness away from her wanting to spend it with someone else rather than solely with her children.
Anya then asked me if it was hard for me last season and I told her it was in its own way, but we just started seeing each other so everything was still new. She even admitted she missed me but also wondered if I would blend in with her ¡°Crazy Korean family¡± as that thought alone left me to dream about ¡°blending in¡± one day. She then told me she was going to a baby shower also on Saturday and that Chase Utley¡¯s mom would be there. Andrew wanted to give her some baseballs and to ask her friend if Chase would be willing to sign them but she felt awkward about asking as she didn¡¯t know Chase¡¯s mom personally so she ended his ambitious hopes and told him ¡°not happening¡±.
8:46 a.m.
¡°I just don¡¯t know them well enough to start asking. My friend would since they are her friends but still I don¡¯t like to ask for things. I get funny that way.¡±
I agreed with her. There was no way I could do something like that without truly knowing them. Andrew didn¡¯t see things that way simply because he was a kid, and even though I knew it broke Anya¡¯s heart to disappoint him, once in while a parent had to say ¡°no¡±. She was still the mother of the year in my eyes.
As our morning conversation came to its end, Anya let me know she planned to meet Carolyn at the mall near my apartment but, unfortunately I was stuck in Irvine at work and couldn¡¯t see her. She text me later when she was back home.
2:45 p.m.
¡°I miss you very much.¡±
ME: ¡°I miss you very much too. How was the mall?¡±
ANYA: ¡°Great! We had a lot of fun! How¡¯s ur day going?¡±
ME: ¡°Happy to hear you had a great day! Busy and stressful as always but good! How r your CEU¡¯s coming along?¡±
ANYA: ¡°I finished one course and took the test. All good.¡±
ME: ¡°Is it hard to find the time to do? You do so much already.¡±
ANYA: ¡°I have to set aside a couple of days a week to dedicate towards working on my CEU¡¯s. One more thing on my plate! I need minimum of 30 CEU¡¯s and 30 more once they restate my license. Each course is equivalent to 1-4 CEU¡¯s. There is a chance I may have to take the state board. If I have to take the god awful state board again I may not go through with it. I should hear back in a couple of weeks. In the meantime I don¡¯t mind taking the courses and learning. It¡¯s actually fun!¡±
ME: ¡°If it¡¯s anything like the CPA exam, I can understand how you wouldn¡¯t want to take the state board again. You got the right attitude about it babe and I¡¯m proud of you for doing it.¡±
Of course, Anya¡¯s CEU¡¯s meant more than her nursing degree to me, it meant getting out from under Jackson¡¯s current control of her. She told me she received a salary for her work as the Company¡¯s event coordinator, but it wasn¡¯t much. The last time she told me about her desire to renew her nursing license, it came at the same time she was upset at Jackson for scheduling a work project on the day we were to see each other. Her license renewal to me meant she believed in us, and I viewed it as an act of her wanting to be with me one day.
ME: ¡°I can¡¯t imagine they¡¯d make you retake the state board again. I know the CPA license requirements aren¡¯t laid out that way. I don¡¯t know why they would make you take the State Board again. The continuing education keeps you up to date on things. You¡¯ve already proven competency by passing the State Board.¡±
ANYA: ¡°I¡¯m sure for liability reasons. It only applies if u claim inactive over 8 years. I don¡¯t see myself ever going back but thought I¡¯d keep it current of possible.¡±
When she texted ¡°I don¡¯t ever see myself going back¡±, my heart seemed to stop beating for a second. If she never saw herself ¡°going back¡± did she ever see herself being with me? I thought she wanted to take her CEU¡¯s so she could free herself from Jackson¡¯s vice grip on her life as it left me completely disheartened.
ANYA: ¡°So are you considered a CPA or an accountant?¡±
ME: ¡°I¡¯m an active status CPA. At the moment.¡±
ANYA: ¡°So you¡¯re a tax expert?¡±
ME: ¡°I know basic tax code and laws but far from a tax expert babe. I¡¯m more focused on financial reporting than tax although it comes into play. I got my license through auditing experience instead of tax experience. I can sign attest reports actually and give my opinion if financial statements are fairly presented in conformity with GAAP. Are you awake over there? Hope you¡¯re not driving!¡±
ANYA: ¡°Stop it! I love learning about you!¡±
ME: ¡°You¡¯re very kind. Too kind.¡±
ANYA: ¡°I love you baby.¡±
ME: ¡°I love you too.¡±
ANYA: ¡°I had a dream about us last night. Maybe that¡¯s why I couldn¡¯t go back to sleep.¡±
When I received this text I feared a downhill spiral after she told me she didn¡¯t see herself going back into nursing. Something was up as the conversation had the ability to go anywhere and that¡¯s exactly what happened after I reluctantly inquired about its details.
ME: ¡°What was the dream about?¡±
ANYA: ¡°I was wearing a skirt and you pulled it up. We were in ur kitchen.¡±
I didn¡¯t know how to respond as I was still at the office, although just minutes away from leaving for the day. The mere visual alone made it impossible for me not to be aroused as I imagined the color of the skirt, the way it looked on her tan legs, and the excitement I¡¯d feel upon pulling it all the way up. Although I didn¡¯t know how to respond mostly due to my surroundings, I knew I had to.
ME: ¡°That¡¯s too hot!¡±
ANYA: ¡°You can do whatever you want with it. We did something we haven¡¯t done before. I was so turned on when I woke up. Oh well off to dance and soccer. Buzz kill! Later!¡±
I wondered aloud ¡°What just happened¡± as her revelation left me with a pitched tent. How could she leave me hanging like this? Then again, I was at work, and it truly was an act of mercy on her part.
In our relationship, I¡¯m sure the love we made was beyond what she ever experienced with Jackson, maybe even ever. I knew she could feel my love for her simply whenever I touched her body. Although an animal magnetism existed for her, she was not a piece of meat, and as badly at times I felt I¡¯d lose all control, and truly wanted to, her status stopped me because I wanted it to change with every bit of my soul for the right reasons. I wanted the security of knowing I was the only man allowed to touch her, the only man she wanted to be touched by. The thought of getting her pregnant crossed my mind at times as a way to get her to leave. If she had gotten pregnant, she could have an abortion, but I¡¯d have more leverage to bargain, and if she saw us with one, wanted to wear my ring, and ached to be with me, I felt she would do the right thing. Three things stopped these thoughts cold in their tracks. Katie, Andrew and my love for Anya. Two innocent kids suddenly thrown into a vastly changed world than if Anya were to simply leave and divorce. If she thought they may hate her if she left, she could be assured it would happen and also set a horrible example, far worse than falling in love with someone else because of mental abuses from another. It would hurt them, if not entirely destroy them mentally and shake their world up beyond repair. As much as I ached to know them, as much as my heart ached for them to know the truth, I loved them too because I loved their mother. They could have hated me all they wanted to, but I loved their mother out of goodness, and knew they didn¡¯t realize they were victims blinded by an illusion, one they would eventually see one day and one I believed they would come to understand as well.
I felt Jackson was like a leopard, an animal that never lost its spots. Once a leopard always a leopard and if Jackson were to cheat on Anya again, I didn¡¯t want her kids to know about it. If Anya divorced him, and he was with someone, he would be viewed in a favorable light. If he suspected she was seeing anyone, what would stop him from doing the same thing?
When I got home I texted Anya to let her know she got me going with her story and had to turn my mind off to concentrate on work and be able to walk out of the office without any physical limitations or visual abnormalities.
6:01 p.m.
¡°Sorry I should have waited till u got home to tell u about my dream. I so want to explore with you but there is a part of me that¡¯s scared because ¡°we¡¯re not together¡±.
I understood what she meant. I felt the same. We were together but not technically and as badly as I wanted to explore and know every inch of her body and every part of her, we couldn¡¯t go there yet. This text actually brought me relief and took the pressure off her feeling sad if I chose to not go there, and any fear she would doubt my great love for her.
ME: ¡°I want to explore with you too and even though I get a little shy, I hold back for the same reason. Did you want to talk about our fantasies?¡±
ANYA: ¡°I¡¯m not that shy babe. I¡¯m kinda waiting for you. I think if anything we¡¯re gun shy afraid to feel too much afterwards. I will talk to you about anything you want.¡±
ME: ¡°I want to share my fantasies with you, but that¡¯s always been a private part of me by nature. I hope that doesn¡¯t bother you.¡±
ANYA: ¡°I don¡¯t mind that you¡¯re private. Keeps me guessing.¡±
ME: ¡°I think about the morning you came to my place. I think about that time when I pleasure myself, more than any other time we¡¯ve been together, and I have a lot of good times to choose from.¡±
ANYA: ¡°That morning was the perfect time but I think we just got lost embracing and falling asleep together. It was such a beautiful feeling.¡±
ME: ¡°It honestly was the best morning of my life.¡±
ANYA: ¡°Do you think if you told me some of your fantasies that would kill it for you? After all it could become a reality and it wouldn¡¯t be a fantasy anymore. Does it make sense?¡±
ME: ¡°No, because I love you for who you are. Having fantasies about you is just part of it, and if it did become a reality I would certainly be able to reenact them! I guess I¡¯m fearful I could only live out the fantasies once then never again. Does that make sense? I think I just need to get drunk one night and I¡¯m sure they will all come out.¡±
ANYA: ¡°Okay then one night we¡¯ll get drunk and share!¡±
ME: ¡°Looks like I need to go to the store for some wine! You¡¯re in all my fantasies babe. It¡¯s only you. I have fantasized about you more than any girl, even ones in Playboy! When I was younger, anyway.¡±
ANYA: ¡°Wow I sound so powerful! You¡¯re in all my fantasies too. My fantasies are quite simple actually. I¡¯ll tell u when we get drunk together!¡±
ME: ¡°Now I¡¯m really excited!¡±
ANYA: ¡°Excited as in turned on or excited cuz we¡¯re going to get drunk?¡±
ME: ¡°It¡¯s a hybrid of both!¡±
ANYA: ¡°Me too! I gotta go pick up the kid. I love you!¡±
I loved texting with Anya as it brought so much fun to an otherwise boring day, but I was relieved she had to pick up the kids so I could relieve the thoughts of her dream.
Later that evening after I awoke from a nap I needed after I eased her dream away, she texted me.
8:13 p.m.
¡°R u at your mom¡¯s?¡±
ME: ¡°Not tonight, babe. I¡¯m home.¡±
ANYA: ¡°I¡¯m not getting all your texts. They¡¯re coming through in bits and pieces.¡±
ME: ¡°No kidding? I would tell you it¡¯s probably because I¡¯m at my mom¡¯s house. The reception isn¡¯t great there, but I¡¯m home tonight.¡±
ANYA: ¡°Hmmm¡strange. I¡¯m going to say goodnight babe. I¡¯m sorry if I distracted you today. I love you forever baby!¡±
ME: ¡°It was a good kind of distraction! Sorry I didn¡¯t thank you for it! So let me do so now. Thank you! I love you forever! Goodnight Beautiful!¡±
As I put down my phone and hoped she would find ways to distract me, I knew I would fall asleep easily on this night, but when I thought it would end, she texted me again.
8:46 p.m.
¡°I hope I dream again!¡±
ME: ¡°You and me both!!!¡±
ANYA: ¡°Haha!!!!¡±
We exchanged no less than fifty texts today, and as I thought about the exchanges, it further cemented how much Anya meant to me, each text a contribution to my happiness. I then began to think since this holiday season scared her, maybe this was a way to get me to stick it out; to experience these fantasies with her, or something to get us by the possible tough time on the horizon where the longing would be at its greatest? If I missed her as bad as I did without living out my fantasies, what if they did become a reality? How badly would it hurt if she disappeared on me this holiday season? What were her holiday plans that fed her fear? Were they enough for her to fabricate a dream she had? My fantasies had to be just as simple as hers. A jacuzzi. A shower. A bath. A sensual massage. In a sundress. Lingerie and high heels. She always looked devourable in anything. I thought of the movie ¡°unfaithful¡± and the hot uncontrollable scene of passion when they couldn¡¯t contain themselves and basically raped each other in a restaurant¡¯s bathroom. I would be a liar if I said I fantasized Anya and I in the same intense situation where the passion for each other was just so overwhelming, and I could attest firsthand it indeed was. I didn¡¯t want to rape her, but I wanted to love her without control. I wanted to know every bit of her body from head to toe. I wanted to consume her and devour her. I only held back because of the pain I felt when she left, and the pain she might feel when she did. She had to face her kids at home when she left. It¡¯s not the fact she left that hurt. I wanted her to feel and be independent because it turned me off when women were too dependent, but it was the fact I didn¡¯t know when and if I would see her again, and it scared me now because I knew how much she meant to me: everything. A murder on my heart; an atrial suicide. She¡¯s the blood and oxygen that kept my heart pumping. The air in my lungs. She kept me alive.
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The next day, after her dream, I expected to hear from her often. To tell me she had another dream, to tell me she didn¡¯t and she was sad she didn¡¯t. After she told me about her dream, I felt she would feel closer to me today, but for some reason I didn¡¯t feel it. She texted me good morning like she usually did, nothing out of the ordinary, however unusual only because it was so ordinary after the closeness of yesterday. She told me she finished another nursing course, but it didn¡¯t mean as much when she told me she didn¡¯t see herself going back. She then told me she took Katie to a doctor¡¯s appointment and that she was running around doing errands. When noon came around, a time I usually heard from her, I never did, so I texted her and she told me she was at her photographer¡¯s house to pick up some pics she had taken of her kids last week. Since I was on a negative trajectory for the day, I feared what if they were family pictures? Ones that would soon adorn the walls and shelves of her home? The more I thought about that scenario, the more disheartened the day left me to feel, and when she told me it was ¡°Sort of a busy day¡± for her¡± my emotions really began to nosedive.
ME: ¡°Ok, babe. Enjoy the rest of your day. It¡¯s nice out.¡±
ANYA: ¡°It¡¯s beautiful out! I can¡¯t wait to kiss you on Sat! I love you!¡±
ME: ¡°Can¡¯t wait to kiss you too! Really looking forward to seeing you.¡±
ANYA: ¡°Me too!!!¡±
ME: ¡°I have the next two Fridays off which is nice.¡±
ANYA: ¡°So uh u busy those two Fridays?¡±
ME: ¡°Not at all! Would you want to come by?¡±
ANYA: ¡°Would love to! Will do my best to work it out!¡±
ME: ¡°Thanks babe! It means a lot to me! I usually smell your perfume bottles when I miss you so it¡¯s nice to know I¡¯ll get to see you quite a bit over the next couple of weeks.¡±
ANYA: ¡°Really? I¡¯m glad you have them. I really miss you too! No, thank u for loving me!¡±
The entire day I had not been myself, on a downward emotional spiral, but to know I would see her on consecutive Fridays and on this Saturday did wonders, but as the night progressed, a night once again I thought I would hear more from her, like I usually did, I didn¡¯t. The day just seemed to carry a different vibe throughout it from her, almost clandestine as if she was trying to hide something about her day from me. It just felt different, and that¡¯s what made our closeness so precarious was the subtleties of time and space, every millimeter, ever millisecond, you could feel strongly. The energy, the vibrations between us was inconsistent, as the Universe had a way of telling me so. When I texted her that evening after a few hours of unusual silence, she informed me of her night¡¯s schedule after I informed her Grey¡¯s Anatomy was on tonight.
5:26 p.m.
¡°Well I Tivo¡¯d it but I won¡¯t be home. I am going to a skin care reception at Executive Spa in Maple w/some friends. I¡¯m going to change skin care line.¡±
I don¡¯t know why but I was disappointed she wasn¡¯t spending time with her kids or helping them with their homework. Something that gave me validity for the emptiness and loneliness I felt without her by my side. I then considered how wrong it was for me to feel the way I did. How could I possibly feel this way? Why did it bother me she was switching skin care lines? Who was I dating? Victoria Principal? Did my mom ever have to change skin care lines? What¡¯s wrong with Noxzema or Oil of Olay? I felt my current thoughts carried an unfairness to Anya within them. I felt they were wrong to feel, but when you missed someone so much, as badly as I did, as badly as I wanted to see the love of my life when it hurt, I also had to find some balance and validity in all I felt. On this day, in particular, I was in touch with that more than usual. I began to care more and was sensitive to every little thing she did, and it bothered me. I didn¡¯t like the feeling and if it didn¡¯t have to exist, I wanted to vanquish it. Even as she made plans to see me, I felt there was an ulterior motive behind her plans, something I didn¡¯t see, like what she feared about the holiday season. I guess I felt she seemed to care about a skin care line more than what I was feeling, almost like she wanted me to feel this way so I¡¯d slip as she began to sense something in my silence as I sought the high road.
6:02 p.m.
¡°1 to 0 Phi. U ok babe?¡±
ME: ¡°I¡¯m fine, babe. Just exhausted. How r u?¡±
ANYA: ¡°I¡¯m fine. Do u want to call me?¡±
ME: ¡°Oh no, babe. I don¡¯t want to take you away from your friends. We can talk tomorrow.¡±
ANYA: ¡°K.¡±
Two and a half hours later, she sent me another text.
8:43 p.m.
¡°On my way home. I hope ur resting. Have a goodnight. I love you.¡±
ME: ¡°I love you too. Goodnight.¡±
A little over a half hour later she texted me again.
9:19 p.m.
¡°Sleep well baby.¡±
The entire day was different as it was a culmination of the past week¡¯s events. Her ¡°Day of Atonement¡± sentiments, her fear of the holidays, her desire to spend more time with friends than with me, even at the price of spending time with kids that kept us where we were. I didn¡¯t want to be critical of her. She needed her independence and I wanted her to do the things that she wanted to do, if that was where her heart was, but her words and actions didn¡¯t seem to act in accordance, and when she failed to mention her dream it almost seemed to me it was fabricated to manipulate my feelings in a way. To either hold me hostage or destroy me as horrible as that sounds, those were my thoughts on this day. I tried to think positively too, but my dependence on her for my happiness left me to feel her actions made it appear she did not feel the same way I did for her, almost as if her feelings weren¡¯t as strong for me. That they only existed out of luxury, and not out of need, an imbalance, and the more I thought about this disparity, the more I felt I needed to send a test to see how she would respond. To see if a disparity truly did exist; so, I sent her 12 texts before I went to bed and after she did, to see how she would respond to it.
ME: ¡°Listening to Mozart rt now. Vienna Philharmonic Orchestra. Not well versed in classical music but I enjoy it. I used to listen to classical music when I was a kid. I think the violin is such a beautiful instrument. Emotional. I listen to classical music when I write. Gives my writing a little rhythm. It relaxes me and allows me to feel. I think ¡°My Significance¡± is a good book title. It really encapsulates everything you are to me and what your love means to me. Being a ¡°Significant Other¡± could never do you justice if we were ¡°together¡±. You¡¯re so much more than that to me. Your love makes me feel like the man I always knew I was and the man I always knew I could be. For a long time I felt insignificant in this life. I felt like I¡¯m a detriment to this world and really felt out of place and not worthy of anyone¡¯s love b/c I was bitter, angry and hurt. I just didn¡¯t think the love I dreamt about growing up existed and I felt no one would accept my idea of love because the love I believe in appeared to be unrealistic. You have been my dream come true and more. I believe now I do have a purpose in this life because of you. The bitterness, the anger and the hurt is gone. Replaced by your love. I¡¯m significant in this world because of you babe and your love. You really are my significance. I feel truly blessed to have found you regardless of everything. I¡¯m a lucky man. I miss you more than oxygen babe. It doesn¡¯t matter what skin care product you choose you are so beautiful inside and out and I will always love you. You will always be my significance. Sweet dreams.¡±
I guess a part of me felt, why did you need a skin line change when you had me? Didn¡¯t my love for you matter? The only person who cared about her ¡°skin¡± was Jackson and maybe her personal presentation in regards to his business and political interests. Why not let her skin go to shit then Jackson would be inclined to leave her if he was superficial which he clearly was. It unsettled me she did things that appeared to be acts of staying and not leaving. After all that had been communicated to me. After all we experienced, even the desire to share fantasies with me she dreamt about, her actions didn¡¯t agree, but I was like a paralyzed man without the ability to speak. If I said something, it could affect her around her children, and then they are on to her. That¡¯s not what I wanted, but at the same time how do I resolve these negative emotions? Suck it up like she did in her marriage over the last fifteen years? That wasn¡¯t me, and she knew this, because if I was, I wouldn¡¯t have made the choice to be a part of her life. At least with my text, as deep and all telling it was, it could provide me a glimpse to see there she stood, and her response didn¡¯t disappoint, in that regard.
8:42 p.m.
¡°Good morning! OMG thank u 4 the texts last nite. That was beautiful. I love Mozart! I love ur title and everything u said last nite. I admit it scared me a bit.¡±
I appreciated Anya¡¯s honesty, but the problem I had with it was if you wanted to share your fantasies with me not even a day ago, and you¡¯re truly in love with me, then how could you be scared by anything especially considering the circumstances? Her response exposed my fear; the inconsistency I¡¯ve been feeling, her lack of fear in keeping the fa?ade up and not doing the right thing and putting it to bed.
ME: ¡°Maybe you feel you¡¯re going to disappoint me and that¡¯s why it scared you otherwise why would you be? I feel I personally wouldn¡¯t be scared if I truly wanted to be with someone.¡±
ANYA: ¡°I truly love you but I feel not worthy to have replaced your bitterness, anger and hurt. What if I disappoint you? What if? That¡¯s a lot for me to live with.¡±
Although I didn¡¯t text it, I felt ¡°And rightfully so¡± simply because her implication of having ¡°a lot to live with¡± if she disappointed me seemed to assume I never walked away from her, that she never made me feel guilty for doing so, and it disturbed me. I couldn¡¯t text her anything right to say so I decided not to so she picked up the conversation.
ANYA: ¡°I¡¯m being honest when I say Idk. I don¡¯t know if I¡¯m going to disappoint you or if I¡¯m going to make you happy, idk. I was scared cuz idk. It was heavy but I loved it.
I could hear people in my head at the same time I read this. My mother. Mitch. My father if he had known. I felt almost abandoned at sea without a life preserver as I treaded water with only hope, time and all the space in the world. Again, I went back to having a ton of tremendous feelings for someone and if she had the same for me, wouldn¡¯t that allow her to know? It led me to further believe in her life, if she didn¡¯t know at this point, and there was any chance she could stay, I indeed had become a luxury, and not a need. My worst fear confirmed; Anya seemed to not know what it meant to be in love as she believed it also meant to break the hearts of her kids. Lust would break the hearts of her kids, but love never could, and I hated to admit this about the significance of her dreams, but this was the first time, and I never thought of myself as irresistibly sexually desirable, that I felt she may have been in lust, and not truly in love, and if that was true, I was happy the texts scared the shit out of her. I had to be honest with myself as much as it hurt, she did not respond in kind for the first time, but in complete fear disguised as gratitude.
ANYA: ¡°I appreciate your honesty w/me and your love for me. There is not a day that goes by when I don¡¯t fantasize about living with you. This started way back when.¡±
Just when I thought I had her all figured out and why the fear existed, she came back with a fantasy full of love, the fantasy of living together in my one bedroom of a joke apartment as she began to see all I began to feel about her love for me; all without me saying a single word.
ANYA: ¡°I think you know deep in your heart that I love you to death. You know that. You have to know that. Keep that in mind and don¡¯t ever question it.¡±
My silence triggered the possibility of the unthinkable in her mind, that not her intentions, but rather her love for me was now in question by her admission of being ¡°scared¡±. I didn¡¯t want to put any pressure on her, I didn¡¯t want to upset her in front of her kids, but ¡°I think you know deep in your heart¡± told me she could see how I could feel the way I did. The woman who tested her love for me at times, now received a test of her own as she began to recognize the ¡°significance¡± and the real reason behind my texts the prior evening. I felt she was honest in her sentiments though, as honest as I felt when she told me she was ¡°scared¡± and it helped to ease the negative emotions from growing any further.
ME: ¡°Please don¡¯t ever question my love. You can read the ¡°All I Know¡± texts if you ever have any doubts. I know you love me.¡±
ANYA: ¡°You just made me tear up.¡±
ME: ¡°Please don¡¯t cry. I appreciate your honesty. Remember, as hard as it is to hear or read now, I want nothing but brutal honesty from you even if it hurts me.¡±
ANYA: ¡°K. I have to get ready to go to the office today. Have a great day. I love you.¡±
ME: ¡°Have a great day too. I love you.¡±
My Thursday morning texts with Anya made me late for work as I had a few messages on my voicemail from my engagement team inquiring about my whereabouts. I was scheduled to be in Orange but I had a strong staff person with me. I called her back to let her know I was on my way and to hold down the fort. Apparently the client came in to ask a question she did not know the answer to and she needed me there, so I called the client directly and answered his question on my way, which resolved the issue, but to me, I didn¡¯t feel right to leave a team member of mine out there to fend for themselves, but as my relationship with Anya took on a more serious nature, these kinds of things began to happen more than they should have.
While on my lunch break, Anya sent me a text, one that made me happy to see.
12:56 p.m.
¡°Hi! How¡¯s ur day going?¡±
ME: ¡°Hi babe! It¡¯s going great so far! How¡¯s ur day going?¡±
ANYA: ¡°Great! Just leaving work! I have 2 hours to kill so I¡¯m going to run errands.¡±
ME: ¡°That¡¯s great! I hope you can get some things done to take your stress level down a notch so you can relax a bit.¡±
ANYA: ¡°Thank u babe. I hope I didn¡¯t discourage u from telling me ur feelings b/c I said it scared me. I want to know everything.¡±
Now I knew why she realized the significance of her ¡°scared me a bit¡± admission. It possibly meant it could scare me enough to keep my feelings to myself. Although I never viewed keeping my feelings for her hidden as an option, maybe it should be? Maybe my feelings for her only pampered her ego? After all, my feelings weren¡¯t for free if she didn¡¯t feel similar. If they¡¯d only scared her, then why share them if she didn¡¯t know? It was an option I never considered until she brought that fear of hers to my attention, which of course, as much as viable the option was, I could never sacrifice my authentic nature. Then about forty minutes later, she showed me this fear of hers.
1:38 p.m.
¡°I love you very much.¡±
ME: ¡°I love you very much.¡±
ANYA: ¡°I had another dream last night. I think it stemmed from something you told me the other day. I¡¯ll have to tell you later. Too distracting.¡±
ME: ¡°Ha! Thank you for your show of mercy! I¡¯m going to text u later about it though so be prepared.¡±
ANYA: ¡°Ok good. Btw thank you for the skincare thing. I decided to try this other line. I have to warn u I will go through a ¡°period¡± of redness, peeling and acne. My skin will go through a detox period so it will look worse b4 it looks better. Scary.¡±
ME: ¡°Well in that case I better warn you too.¡±
ANYA: ¡°K. What do you have to warn me about?¡±
ME: ¡°I must warn you I don¡¯t care what your skin looks like.¡±
ANYA: ¡°Ha ha! Thank you sweets!¡±
Positive thoughts began to swirl in my head about us as I began to reason Anya was afraid to lose me. Afraid to lose me during the holidays when her kids would be around, but most of all, whether a luxury or a need, she was afraid to lose my love for her. The one that never feared to show her how I felt about her. Later that evening, as I promised, I texted her to find out what she dreamt about.
5:57 p.m.
¡°I was in your living room where we danced. You were sitting in a black chair. I had nothing on but heels. I straddled you and we started to kiss. And then¡¡±
ME: ¡°And then????¡±
ANYA: ¡°I don¡¯t want to tell you the rest in detail. I¡¯ll let you use your imagination.¡±
ME: ¡°Ahhhhhh! Going to need a cold shower now!¡±
ANYA: ¡°It was hot! It felt so real!¡±
ME: ¡°Do you remember any of it after you straddled me?¡±
ANYA: ¡°I remember some but it faded b4 I woke up. One thing for sure, you came in me while I was on top of you. That¡¯s what felt so real.¡±
Another one of the things that held me back was my inability to hold back if I wasn¡¯t able to. This dream alone was enough to do the trick, but if this became reality, no doubt she would get pregnant, and as badly as I wanted her to be the mother of my child one day, no way would her kids ever understand why and they shouldn¡¯t have had to even though I truly loved her.
ME: ¡°Well, sounds like a dream I¡¯d have! Where did you come up with the black chair? What kind of chair was it?¡±
ANYA: ¡°You won¡¯t believe this but a small and simple black chair w/a back. It looked like a caf¨¦ chair. Don¡¯t ask me why you were sitting in that chair!¡±
ME: ¡°Ha! I¡¯m sure it was a sight to see!¡±
ANYA: ¡°I miss you. I¡¯m so turned on.¡±
ME: ¡°I miss you too. I feel honored to be the man in your dream.¡±
ANYA: ¡°I love you very much. You¡¯re the only man in my dreams.¡±
ME: ¡°Like I¡¯ve always said from the moment I first kissed you, you are better than the woman of my dreams. There¡¯s no comparison. I am that much in love with you and I want to experience your dreams one day with only you because they are my dreams too.¡±
ANYA: ¡°I¡¯m so in love w/u.¡±
ME: ¡°I have to pinch myself when you tell me I¡¯m the only man in your dreams. I¡¯m just a normal guy and it means a lot to me.¡±
ANYA: ¡°Awww babe. Ur so humble. I think that¡¯s what I love about you the most. You have so much going for you but you never take anything for granted. I just love you to death.¡±
After this conversation, she had to run to go pick up the kids, but the visual she created was impossible to remove from my mind as it called for action of an urgent nature, and even then, that didn¡¯t quell the thoughts completely away. I just hoped she realized if we ever went there, I would expect for her to leave more than ever before, as I¡¯d put my entire trust in her love for me.
She sent me an early ¡°good morning¡± text and I sensed the Anya that captured my soul made a return. She told me she slept well but ran only three miles that morning as if she hadn¡¯t already accomplished enough before eight in the morning. It marked the first time she had run since her race last weekend and she also threw in a short kickboxing class for good measure.
8:39 a.m.
¡°I hadn¡¯t been to the KB class in two weeks. My instructor kills me. If I don¡¯t give my all he notices. I told him I was still sore and what does he say? His favorite thing to say ¡°suck it up¡±! Hate him! Ugh! JK! How r u?¡±
ME: ¡°Hey look he isn¡¯t going to buy your ¡°I¡¯m sore¡± crap anymore okay? So just suck it up! I¡¯m well, babe. Are you still sore?¡±
ANYA: ¡°Ha ha! Well I felt good the last 3 days but some aches surfaced again behind my left knee during my run. I¡¯m such a baby when it comes to pain.¡±
ME: ¡°Sorry to hear that babe. Are you usually sore this late after a race?¡±
ANYA: ¡°I didn¡¯t stretch enough before the run and pulled it. All my running friends have chronic aches and pains from running and they just deal with it. I¡¯ve been lucky and don¡¯t have any issues so I¡¯m spoiled. I don¡¯t do pain well. I just break my bones here and there but I don¡¯t run w/it.¡±
ME: ¡°What? You only break your bones here and there? Give me a chronic ache and pain over a broken bone any day of the week!¡±
ANYA: ¡°Ha! I know I¡¯m bad. Just stepping into my skincare place. They want to take a pic of b4 and after treatment.¡±
ME: ¡°Ok babe, I¡¯ll let you go. Do you start the treatment today?¡±
ANYA: ¡°Just started 2 nights ago.¡±
ME: ¡°Hmmmm¡isn¡¯t that kind of false advertising? You¡¯re going to go through a detox period after you start so wouldn¡¯t you look worse than if you had taken the pic when you started?¡±
ANYA: ¡°Ha! No not really. They say it takes at least 6 weeks to notice. I haven¡¯t even gone through the detox phase yet. They will take another pic in three months. That¡¯s sweet you¡¯re interested.¡±
ME: ¡°Ok, I get it now. I was just curious babe. Sorry to keep you, love you!¡±
I would say with absolute certainty before I met Anya I never thought I¡¯d ever care about a woman¡¯s skin regimen, but knowing how much it meant to Anya, it gave me an opportunity to get close to her, as the day gave me good feelings about it, after all it was a Friday.
I never did anything on Friday nights anymore. My days at Paseos nothing but a faded memory and now a place of sacred significance. Although I was in a much better state of mind simply because I was in love, the Friday and Saturday nights became more lonelier than ever as an emptiness consumed them I could not explain, gone was the excitement and mystery the night could bring and replaced by a longing too painful to describe, but left me content. This Friday though, and the positive vibes that came along with it was about to change after I received a text from Anya while on my lunch hour.
12:30 p.m.
¡°I wish I could see you tonight but I can¡¯t. I¡¯m not driving so it makes it more difficult. I¡¯m going to Kahe¡¯s tonight at 6:30 for dinner with the girls. I miss you.¡±
ME: ¡°Oh, ok babe. Sounds like fun. I miss you too.¡±
I didn¡¯t want to give her the impression what she told me disheartened me. It really shouldn¡¯t have bothered me. After all, we were meeting for tea the next day, but for her to shoot down the chance of seeing each other just rubbed me the wrong way as it seemed inconsistent with the any ¡°I miss you¡¯s¡± and ¡°I love you¡¯s¡±. I began to feel, although not entirely, I was being taken for granted. That all she had to do was throw out an ¡°I miss you¡± and everything was good. In fact, I would even go as far to say, I was beginning to feel like the female in the relationship, and no longer had the upper hand. As much as she loved me. As much as she missed me. It felt she had become indifferent to us being together, even to seeing each other even when a chance arose. The more I dwelled on this, the more real it began to feel. Why was the married one going out and the single one staying at home? The more I paid attention to this role reversal, the more unsettled I became. The Anya I knew, no matter what, even if her husband suspected, would¡¯ve asked me to meet her at Kahe¡¯s, even if for only a half hour. She would have wanted me to save her just like I did in Laguna Beach. The Anya I knew, the one who shared her dreams with me just a day ago, would have found a way to see me. That much I knew.
ANYA: ¡°You know you¡¯ll be on my mind the whole time.¡±
ME: ¡°Please don¡¯t feel you have to have me on your mind the whole time babe. That¡¯s not right, Please have fun.¡±
ANYA: ¡°I would ask you to come by but mother hen is going to be there along with two other girls, Sharon and Elise along with Carolyn, Debbie and I. I think you know all the girls now.¡±
ME: ¡°I do and I totally understand. Have a great time!¡±
Her ¡°you¡¯ll be on my mind the whole time¡± really irritated me. I didn¡¯t want her to feel that way, but it was my fault she did after I gave her grief when she didn¡¯t text me during her post race meal the weekend before. I think what hurt me was this dinner was planned during the week and not once did she mention it to me as it carried a clandestine nature behind it, and because of that alone, I prepared myself for any surprises as I felt convinced that after dinner she would end up at Paseos somehow. If she ended up at Paseos after dinner, I knew it would bother me. It just would. That even in the presence of ¡°mother hen¡± she would find herself at a place men would talk freely to her. Why would ¡°mother hen¡± care if it was me, someone she knew as much as the other men at the bar?
As I contemplated how I would stomach the evening knowing other men could be around her yet I wasn¡¯t allowed to be, she texted me.
4:53 p.m.
¡°Starting to get ready. I miss you.¡±
I just didn¡¯t feel it. I felt it was just sent out of obligation. Only to make me feel better with no real truth behind it. I struggled all week with this back and forth as I began to feel the ¡°dream¡± she had was not a dream, but a way to keep me from questioning her love, a love for me she implored I had to know deep down existed. However, the truth was I didn¡¯t know what was real from her. The truth was, I didn¡¯t understand. I didn¡¯t understand married women going to singles bars. I didn¡¯t understand married women who were in love with other men they were in relationships with staying for the sake of the kids. I understood her love for her kids. I just didn¡¯t understand her world at the moment.
I decided to shower and get dressed up just in case she changed her mind. In case, I was wrong about the way I felt but as the night progressed it seemed like I would just stay home as electronic images I had no real awareness of flashed upon a screen, but then came a text that sent my heart racing.
9:05 p.m.
¡°I miss you.¡±
ME: ¡°I miss you too.¡±
After I read her text, I sprung to my feet and decided to get in my car to drive to the vicinity of Kahe¡¯s in case she really did miss me as much as I missed her. I doubted I would get a chance to see her or talk to her, but if there was a chance, I didn¡¯t want to miss out on it. I had to admit too, I was curious about this first, an occasion-less dinner with the girls. As I drove around the general vicinity, I felt it was wrong for me to pull in the parking lot. I was not invited so for me to show up would be wrong. She told me she couldn¡¯t see me and I wanted to respect that, but if she missed me and I was in the vicinity then maybe she would change her mind.
I was just disappointed I couldn¡¯t see her. I wasn¡¯t mad at her at all. She deserved a night out with the girls and she didn¡¯t deserve my grief about it. I was just hurt that other guys could be around her yet I could not. She told me I would be on her mind the whole night, but I wanted to be more than just on her mind. The fact she is in love with me is not enough, and it wouldn¡¯t be enough for anyone who loved her. I didn¡¯t want to be told things to be pacified. I didn¡¯t want her to feel sorry for me either. I just wanted to be shown ¡°I miss you¡±, and not simply told.
10:45 p.m.
¡°I love you. What r u doing? I¡¯m sooo f***in tired. I want to go home but stuck. We ended up at Paseos. Not happy.¡±
ME: ¡°I love you too. Sorry to hear that babe. I¡¯m in the area if you want to see each other for a few minutes.¡±
ANYA: ¡°I¡¯m sorry. I can¡¯t. We¡¯re leaving now. Where r u?¡±
ME: ¡°Oh ok. I¡¯m just right around the corner.¡±
ANYA: ¡°Some of us are staying but I¡¯m leaving.¡±
After I received this text that informed me some of ¡°us¡± were staying but I¡¯m leaving, I felt I made a mistake by driving out to see her. I thought she would beg me to come get her, like she used to, or would¡¯ve asked me if I could see her. Being in the presence of her friends never stopped her before, but in actuality, the missing I felt, this need to be around her, made me think negatively more than anything she did or didn¡¯t do. I wanted to be able to depend on her love, but was hurt to learn, I really couldn¡¯t.
11:01 p.m.
¡°I¡¯m walking out.¡±
I had parked directly across the street from Paseos entrance, and after I read her text I thought to myself she would just jump in a cab and disappear. I didn¡¯t want to jump out and make her feel obligated she couldn¡¯t leave to go home as I hoped I didn¡¯t ruin her night, but at the same time, I just didn¡¯t understand an occasion less visit to Paseos with the when the reason we couldn¡¯t be together was because of the kids, yet going out with the girls on Friday night instead of being home with the kids doing something just didn¡¯t sit right with me. If she truly loved me, wouldn¡¯t she rather be with me and perhaps spend time with the kids as well instead of going out with the girls trying to relive her twenties? I hated to be judgmental, but when your heart ached to be with someone so badly, I found it hard not to be. At any rate, I also didn¡¯t want to be that guy who needed to be with my girlfriend every hour on the hour. I wanted her to have her life. I just wanted to trust in her love for me. She seemed to have a hard time believing I was real. She seemed to believe I was too good to be true. I felt I proved to her that I was for real each time she needed me too. I wanted Anya to be able to do the same when I needed her to, and unfortunately, I had to put myself in the position, like driving out to Kahe¡¯s or Paseos on this night, so I could have the same sense of security I gave her.
As I contemplated about making my whereabouts known, I received another text from her.
11:03 p.m.
¡°Where r u?¡±
I hesitated in letting her know only because I didn¡¯t feel right about it. Did she really want to stay and because I was here, she told me she was leaving? Was I the only reason why she wanted to leave now? Would she end up staying if I told her I went home? It was a busy night at Paseos and parking spots, especially the one I had across the street from the entrance, was valued and rare to have. As I further pondered my response, I reasoned what if she and the girls already spotted my car from across the street? What if she really did want to see me?
ME: ¡°I¡¯m parked right across the street from the entrance.¡±
I then received another text a minute later as she appeared just outside the entrance with Carolyn.
11:05 p.m.
¡°Do u see me?¡±
When I did see her, my heart raced even more than it already did as I got lost in her for a second as a cool feeling of relief washed over me. The same feeling you get when you reach home after a long drive and are able to crawl into bed. I then exited my car and began to walk toward the parking lot and the alley where we kissed the last time we were at Paseos. Anya didn¡¯t see me at first as she exited the bar with frantic excitement, and when I waved at her to get her attention as I could hear Anya say aloud ¡°Where is he? Where is he?¡±. As I then watched Carolyn point Anya in my direction, I felt transported back five months earlier in Laguna Beach, as Anya and I made a bee line to our alley, as we knew exactly where to go without saying a word.
¡°Were you really going home?¡± I asked her nervously. ¡°I hope I didn¡¯t interrupt your night out if you were staying.¡±
¡°I was going to leave with Sharon and Cristine before I got your text.¡± she said. ¡°Then I told them I was thinking of staying and had Carolyn come out to make it seem I wasn¡¯t abandoning the group.¡±
After she spoke she grabbed my hand tightly and smiled hugely at me as excitement filled her eyes. Inside, I danced as I realized she missed me very much, more than I would¡¯ve ever known if I made the decision to stay confined to my apartment with my negative thoughts about her love for me. When we reached the alley, alone with the moon, with her back against a brick wall we kissed as if we had never kissed before. The smile on her face made this darkest of nights for me the brightest of days as the security I sought in love for me I received when I needed it the most. I realized I had to do a little more to give her the opportunity to show me because of the circumstances as this was nothing like a regular relationship, and I was glad I had the courage to do so even though I didn¡¯t like the idea of potentially interrupting her night because of a trust issue. Although the time we spent together was short, twenty minutes long because she had to return to her group, it cured all that pained me. Anya told me during the week to never question her love, and she was right as her actions through her happiness and warmth in seeing me, made me feel like a fool to ever question it as I hoped this would mark the beginning of a better Landyn; the Landyn she needed and fell in love with. When she got home, she texted me to let me know how the night made her feel.
11:44 p.m.
¡°Hi What a great surprise! I didn¡¯t expect to see you tonight! U looked so cute! Nobody wants to leave so I¡¯m calling for a taxi. I¡¯m so done! Thx for coming down! You made my nite! I love you babe.¡±
ME: ¡°No, thank you! You made my night! You have no idea! I love u too babe! Be safe! Goodnight!¡±
The good feelings carried right on over to the next day, as we met for tea. Anya appeared before me in an all pink sweat suit, and when I saw the smile on her face when she saw me, it warmed my heart to know she felt safe to wear anything she wanted to as she always looked beautiful to me in her own way each and every time I saw her or maybe it just never mattered because I was just so happy to be with her. After I teased her about a skin detox I didn¡¯t see that she assured me was happening, and as she held my hand in hers while I drove, we went to our spot we always went to when we met for ¡°tea¡±. Having ¡°tea¡± consisted of quenching another thirst as we made out for the next twenty minutes. After she shared her ¡°dream¡± with me earlier this week, I needed to feel her bare skin as I reached inside her pick sweat suit as it made me realize why she wore it after all. We then broke away and noticed something for the first time.
¡°Oh look, babe.¡± I said as I pointed at a sign at the park.
¡°What is it?¡± she asked with joy in her voice and excitement in her eyes.
¡°Look. Cascade Park.¡± I said as I pointed at the sign that bore the name of our often-frequented spot.
¡°You mean this spot actually has a name?¡±
¡°If you can believe that. It only took us about five months to notice too.¡±
As we both started to laugh at the lack of our acknowledgment of our surroundings, we began to kiss each other again. She smelled so good, she tasted so sweet and felt so nice, I couldn¡¯t keep my hands or my mouth off her. The missing the past week was so intense, I wanted to absorb all the time I spent with her to pacify myself for another week of longing.
¡°What do you have going on today?¡± I asked.
¡°Katie has dance practice, Andrew has a soccer game, this afternoon I have a baby shower to go to and to top it all off a neighbor is having a birthday party tonight.¡±
¡°Oh my God!¡± I said in surprise. ¡°You have a really busy day today. Thank you for making time for me.¡±
¡°I have to get up and run tomorrow morning. I have a race in Westwood next Saturday. I¡¯m going to be at the mall by your house tomorrow.¡± she said. ¡°I¡¯m going to take Katie shopping. Wish I could see you but I¡¯ll be with Katie. I think I¡¯m going to bring Andrew with us because he needs to spend some time with mommy. I feel bad he has to get straight A¡¯s and run his business at the same time.¡±
¡°I understand, babe. I know spending time with your kids is important to you. Thanks for making time for tea.¡± I said as I dreamt one day of being able to join them.
¡°The girls and I got into a little bit of a spat last night.¡± She informed me.
¡°I hope it wasn¡¯t because I showed up last night.¡±
¡°No babe. It wasn¡¯t related to you at all. Just a ¡°girl¡± thing.¡±
¡°Oh ok. I see. There are more important things in life than getting sucked into that.¡±
¡°You¡¯re important to me.¡± she said as she leaned in to kiss me.
After a long week of worrying if I was a luxury or a need in her life, it was good to hear, said through the lens of her eyes and not through an electronic device. When our meeting ended, I left knowing not only the spot we met at had an actual name, but also I was important to her.
When our day was over, I texted her to see she made it home safely but also psyched myself out to not be discouraged by her busy day buoyed by the previous evening at Paseos and our tea meeting as I felt secure in her love for me.
11:45 a.m.
¡°Cascade Park! Xoxo!¡±
ME: ¡°Thank you for meeting me at Cascade Park! Who would have thought our spot had a name! I may have to rethink my book title! Xoxo!¡±
ANYA: ¡°I¡¯m still going with Abalone Cove! I miss you sooo much baby!¡±
ME: ¡°I don¡¯t think I could miss you more than I already do.¡±
As I read her text, it made me feel good to know I could put complete faith in her words as I could see it in her eyes the previous night and on this day. Even though she had many things to do, and a late-night neighborhood birthday party never gave me peace of mind, I felt secure in her feelings and sentiment; that I was important to her, and to look into her eyes and see the sincerity behind the words just meant a lot to me.
Sometimes I felt paralyzed, unable to do anything because I missed her so much however it felt better to miss her when I felt secure she missed me just as badly. It¡¯s not that I wanted her to hurt or give less of herself to the kids, but I just needed some validation for the way I felt. I missed Denise after she left mem for another man, and I hated to feel anything similar to that especially when I walked away from Anya so I could avoid ever feeling that way again. As the night progressed though, and I resigned myself to doing some writing after dinner, I received an unexpected text from Anya.
7:55 p.m.
¡°Hi there.¡±
Her ¡°hi there¡± text was a bizarre one as it didn¡¯t carry ¡°babe¡± or ¡°baby¡± or anything other than a ¡°hello¡± and history had shown, these texts usually carried a tone of dread with them.
ME: ¡°Hi. How r u?¡±
ANYA: ¡°I¡¯m fine. How r u? What r u up to?¡±
ME: ¡°I¡¯m just relaxing here. It was nice to see you today, I¡¯ve missed you so much all week. Having a glass of wine before I go to bed. Are you at the birthday party?¡±
ANYA: ¡°I know I missed u too. Didn¡¯t go to the party tonight. Hanging with the kiddos and their friends.¡±
ME: ¡°Are some of the girls you had a spat with going to be there? Have you talked to any of them since? Is that why you didn¡¯t go tonight?¡±
ANYA: ¡°Yes no big deal. I didn¡¯t bring it up. We¡¯re cool. I¡¯m a big girl. It¡¯s something we don¡¯t normally do. It¡¯s like one of us walking into a bar by ourself.¡±
ME: ¡°So you had to take a cab home alone last night. I¡¯m sorry. That isn¡¯t right for a friend to let another friend go home alone in a taxi. I get it.¡±
ANYA: ¡°We just don¡¯t do that. It¡¯s a girl thing. If a guy does it it¡¯s no big deal but different for a girl. I¡¯m cool w/it though.¡±
ME: ¡°I can understand how that would upset you. You have a right to be upset about that. Don¡¯t feel guilty about it babe. That¡¯s not cool whether you¡¯re okay with it or not. Sometimes you have to say something, unfortunately. If they are true friend, they will understand.¡±
ANYA: ¡°Thank you. I better get back to the scene. It was nice to c u today. You looked really cute. I miss you. Have a goodnight babe. I love you.¡±
ME: ¡°Have a goodnight beautiful. I miss you and love you too.¡±
Although I never got a response as to why she didn¡¯t go to the party, I felt the prior evening spat she had with them sounded like the reason she didn¡¯t go to the party.
The next day however, I would soon learn the real reason why she didn¡¯t go to the party and it threatened all the security I felt.
CHAPTER 16 ~ DEPTH OF LACERATIONS
¡°We are more often frightened than hurt; and we suffer more from imagination than from reality.¡±
~ Lucius Annaeus Seneca
I didn¡¯t know what the following morning would bring¡ªthere was no way to be prepared for it. But if I should¡¯ve expected it? That was another story.
7:46 a.m.
¡°Good morning! I missed u last night. I love you.¡±
Her morning text seemed a little bizarre because it seemed closed ended. Still, I didn¡¯t expect anything out of the ordinary other than the fact I was sending the text just as she sent me hers.
ANYA: ¡°Wow! We just texted at the same time! Last nite was fine. House is a mess so guess what I¡¯m doing? Yep! How was yours.¡±
ME: ¡°It was good. Been thinking about when you told me I was important to you. It meant a lot to me to know that. It helps me when I¡¯m missing you. Thank you for that.¡±
ANYA: ¡°Of course you¡¯re important to me! Have a great day! Text me later!¡±
ME: ¡°You too! Will do!¡±
When our short conversation ended, and I couldn¡¯t help but notice how different it felt; how quick she seemed to end it. I decided not to read into it as she told me she had a busy day with the kids planned so I started my day without thinking about the oddity of it as I held onto her ¡°you¡¯re important to me¡± statement she made less than twenty-four hours earlier. As much as I tried to forget about the short text messages, she then came clean.
9:18 a.m.
¡°I don¡¯t think I¡¯m going to the mall today. Couple of things. I¡¯m down and I don¡¯t know why. My husband had an accident and has a laceration near one eye, he may lose vision.¡±
As much as I disliked Jackson, I didn¡¯t want him to be hurt, to be killed, or to die. Upon hearing this news, I felt bad for him, but what Anya communicated about being ¡°down¡± and not understanding why was unsettling.
ME: ¡°I¡¯m sorry to hear that. I hope he doesn¡¯t lose his vision. How did it happen? Is that what the doctor said?¡±
ANYA: ¡°His friend just picked him up to take him into his office to determine surgery. There¡¯s a 50/50 chance he may lose sight. Sharp object working in the garage.¡±
When Anya told me what happened, I couldn¡¯t help but think if this was the same doctor friend who asked her to ¡°take a chance¡± with him in the early years of their marriage. It also confused me why he didn¡¯t go to a real hospital especially if there was a fear for a loss of vision? I guess he wanted to avoid the emergency room as it just seemed all different to me the way it was handled. I then asked the question, I somehow got the courage to ask, that would have explained her strange behavior from the night before.
ME: ¡°Did this happen yesterday?¡±
ANYA: ¡°Yes it happened yesterday but his friend patched it after dilating it and treating it with antibiotics.¡±
This event and the treatment that followed, especially in the case of a possible loss of vision in one eye, didn¡¯t make sense. The possible loss of vision required just a patching, a dilation and antibiotics from a friend? I didn¡¯t doubt the injury happened, but its severity I did as I wondered if Jackson was trying to get Anya¡¯s attention. That his suspicion was aroused about her whereabouts yesterday as it appeared to happen at the same time we met for tea. I believed Jackson manipulated Anya for years, so much so she felt an obligation to stay with someone who had disrespected her so greatly, as I believed this to be another one of his tactics to destroy her happiness. I then felt its effects when I read her next text.
ANYA: ¡°The problem I¡¯m having is that I¡¯m not down b/c he¡¯s hurt but that I miss you. I asked myself how could this be? I don¡¯t like the person I¡¯ve become.¡±
After I read this text, I wanted to respond so badly ¡°well then do the right thing and leave.¡±, but at the same time it would be insensitive to her feelings, even as I faced this insensitive text to mine, but I appreciated her honesty about what she felt as this was something I needed to know, and for her to recognize that without me asking about it made me feel I indeed was important to her. That my feelings about the way she felt mattered, and so did hers even though these feelings scared me terribly. She then further elaborated before I could respond.
ANYA: ¡°How can I be so insensitive? I¡¯m really struggling and just want to crawl in bed. Idk why I¡¯m so down. I¡¯m fighting with myself inside myself.¡±
As Anya struggled and fought with herself from inside herself, it brought me back to the night when she asked me with nothing but love in her eyes if I would fight for her. I even followed up the next day to make sure she meant it, and that she did. This was what she meant. The times she fought from within against herself, was the time she asked me to fight for her. To see the truth. To bring clarity. She came to me with her struggle because she knew I was the clarity. I personified the truth for her, a truth she struggled to face out of fear. Jackson, whether intentional or not, bullied her emotionally. I felt his injury though unfortunate and something I would¡¯ve never wished on him, presented him with an opportunity to pressure her, to make her feel guilt ad fear for not being there for him at a time of need because she was with me, the truth. Not the truth about her extra marital relationship, but the truth why she should no longer be married to him. It was hard for me not to take this personally as well. I didn¡¯t want her to feel a thing for him, but in the interest of humanity, it was nice to know she did. That she was decent enough to care even in the face of doing things that were detrimental to him, but if anything it showed the extent of his emotional and mental abuse towards her that she would find herself in this position, a position she completely brought upon herself, to feel this way. So whether it hurt me or not, I had to keep my eyes on the truth because it¡¯s why she came to me about it, and being hurt by her words, taking this personal, was not what she needed from the man who loved her more than life itself.
ME: ¡°Babe, it¡¯s b/c you¡¯re in love with another man, and you¡¯re not being true about it. I¡¯m sorry about his ¡°accident¡± but he has driven you to this point. This is on him, not you. He¡¯s the one who chooses to stay in a marriage where what he considers to be love is not returned. He is really afraid to lose your love or his money? His reputation? You don¡¯t trust him for a reason and it¡¯s a valid one. I think you¡¯re down because you know deep down, like I know you love me, staying for only the sake of the kids, isn¡¯t going to work for anyone. You are seriously the sweetest, most caring, most loving, most sensitive person I know. If you¡¯re ever insensitive to anything it¡¯s for a really good reason. I hope he¡¯s ok and he doesn¡¯t lose his vision and has a speedy recovery. It does make me mad though that you feel bad about this only because I feel this is his burden, not yours. He knows the score and he¡¯s refusing to pay attention to it. He also seems to make it about him as if you¡¯re the reason he ever strayed. Loving someone is more than showering them with expensive gifts and things. You have to respect the people you love and that¡¯s the problem here. In closing, don¡¯t let him make you feel bad about this. This is not you. All you¡¯re doing right now, with all you¡¯re feeling, is taking another step toward the light of the truth, and that¡¯s nothing to be ashamed of or to feel guilty about. That is what you¡¯re becoming, and I love you to death for it. Don¡¯t even think about crawling back in bed, Beautiful. Get out there with the kids and enjoy your day. I¡¯ll shut up now.¡±
I didn¡¯t want to burden Anya with too much of my feelings on the matter, but I just wanted to shift the guilt completely off her shoulders. Anya was in a different position than Jackson. Jackson was her employer. He held the cards. It was his choice to hold onto to the hand dealt to him knowing he had five cards with only a bluff to play with. I knew Anya was a good person, no matter how she felt about the matter, I didn¡¯t want her to believe being there for Jackson, a man who betrayed and disrespected her so badly that it led her to fall in love with me, was what made her a ¡°good¡± person. What made her a good person would be to listen and to act on the truth she found in me, but I also understood she needed time to do that, and things weren¡¯t as perfect for her to leave yet as much as I hoped they would be.
Later that afternoon she texted to let me know she and Katie were at the mall near my place. It warmed my heart to know she chose to come out towards my way and not stay at home, as it meant she wanted to be closer to the truth than to avert herself away from it. This wasn¡¯t just missing. This was love. She loved me because I gave her things Jackson never could and never tried to give her, and they were the simpler ones too. I decided to go have lunch at the mall after I received her text although I couldn¡¯t talk to her because she was with Katie, but I just wanted to be close to her.
About a half hour later I texted her to see where she was. After she told me she was at Nordstrom¡¯s Caf¨¦ having lunch, I let her know I just had lunch at the mall as well but at a place called the Comers Bakery where I get my soups from. I also told her I know she couldn¡¯t see me because she was with Katie, but I just wanted to be close to the woman I missed so much.
1:33 p.m.
¡°I see. I miss you. Where are u now?¡±
ME: ¡°I¡¯m just walking through the mall now near Sears. Where r u?¡±
ANYA: ¡°I¡¯m at Nordstrom¡¯s still.¡±
ME: ¡°I hope it doesn¡¯t bother u that I¡¯m here. I know you¡¯re with Katie.¡±
ANYA: ¡°Not at all babe. It¡¯s kind of comforting that you¡¯re here. I wish I could see you.¡±
ME: ¡°I wish I could see u too but I totally understand. I¡¯m just here because I wanted to feel close to you. That¡¯s all. Where are you headed now?¡±
ANYA: ¡°We¡¯re leaving soon to go to Abercrombie. I love you.¡±
ME: ¡°I love you!¡±
I knew there was an Abercrombie near the Sears I just walked by. Even though I felt nervous and a little weird, it would be nice to catch a glimpse of her as my eyes ached for her. I decided to perch myself on a bench just outside Abercrombie to see if I could see her, and I did as I watched her and Katie, with bags in tow, walk into Abercrombie together. It made me feel good just to know she was near me. A few minutes later she texted me.
2:13 p.m.
¡°Where are you?¡±
In the middle of responding I noticed she appeared at the window just outside the entrance, as it also looked like Katie was well within the depths of the store. I then waved at her instead as she stood between a few well-dressed mannequins. When she saw me as I sat on the bench about twenty feet away from the glass door entrance, I thought she would wave, but instead she unexpectedly ran out to greet me. In complete shock, I rose and when I saw her outside the store, I didn¡¯t know what to say other than ¡°how are you¡± as I worried Katie may appear at any time while people passed us by without knowledge of our world. This mall was upscale and high-end. Many beautiful women usually graced its floors on a daily basis, but no one more beautiful to me than the woman who rushed out of a department store just to see me regardless of the circumstances, the truth right before us she sought just hours earlier.
ANYA: ¡°I¡¯m good!¡±
ME: ¡°Are you getting a lot of shopping done? It¡¯s nice to see you.¡±
ANYA: ¡°I am! Nice to see you too!¡±
ME: ¡°Well, I better let you get back at it! Good to see you!¡±
ANYA: ¡°Good to see you too!¡±
As I stood there among people as I talked to Anya, I didn¡¯t sense any fear by her that Katie could walk outside at any minute. In fact, it felt like I was more concerned than she was about it. When Anya appeared outside the store without a second¡¯s hesitation when she saw me, it warmed my heart as I began to feel safe again after the morning¡¯s revelation of yesterday¡¯s event. It felt good to feel that the very reason I went to the mall on this day was the very reason she chose to come shopping near me. As I began to walk through the mall on my way back home, Anya sent me a text.
2:19 p.m.
¡°OMG! What a surprise! Thank you! You made my day better! I love you!¡±
ME: ¡°You know it¡¯s not every day a man is lucky enough to have the most beautiful girl in the entire mall come out to say hi to him! Thank you! I love you too!¡±
ANYA: ¡°Ha ha! Ur so wonderful! Thank you for making me feel special.¡±
I¡¯ve been to this mall a lot of times, but this was the first time I ever left the mall without buying anything, yet return home with more than I came with. Later that afternoon she sent a text.
3:45 p.m.
¡°I miss you. I love you.¡±
After I returned the same sentiments, I didn¡¯t hear from her for the rest of the evening and I began to feel unsafe again as I sent her to text to see if she was okay.
9:22 p.m.
¡°Sorry I¡¯m at my cousin¡¯s Ryan¡¯s 40th Bday party. Better say goodnight. I love you.¡±
One would think even after the day¡¯s event at the mall, I would feel safe in her feelings for me, but once again a late night text didn¡¯t feel right to me as my mind took the wheel. I began to think about her being bothered by missing me over her husband¡¯s injury. I began to take notice the painful difference between the Anya when we were together and the Anya when we were apart. Whenever she was home, in the company of family and friends, I almost felt like a disease to her rather than the cure, and that was tough for me to acknowledge. I didn¡¯t want to believe in that feeling, but it was starting to become more and more pronounced. Why was her husband willing to accept a roommate situation? Was that typical of all marriages? Why would she even let him have that? I came into her life simply because she told me she was there in a ¡°roommate¡± situation only because no one would be there for her if she left. Well, here I was. She didn¡¯t have to leave now, but why not make a promise? If you truly loved me, if you truly believed in our love, if you truly wanted to be with me, then why couldn¡¯t she at least make me a promise? The entire month of October had been a difficult one. From her acknowledgement of Yom Kippur as being a serious holy day for her, to her confused feelings about her husband¡¯s eye injury left me dazed. I didn¡¯t wish anything bad on Jackson, especially if he were to lose his vision, as all I wanted was for Anya to do the right thing, the thing she promised me she would do if she fell in love with me; leave him. I gave my soul and my life for her because I believed in her. I believed in all she ever told me. I believed in her love for me. All I wanted was for her to do the right thing. To be consistent with all she ever showed and told me. I felt her love these past few days in her excitement every time she saw me. She didn¡¯t treat me like someone she didn¡¯t love. I just had to concentrate on that so I didn¡¯t pressure her or put her in a situation where she¡¯d feel inclined to leave. I¡¯ve done my best to put her feelings first above my own, so she could be herself around her kids and do the things she needed to do, but it was getting more difficult to hide from her as I felt the instances that led to these negative feelings were growing, even in the middle of my great belief in her love for me. Her eyes could not hide how she felt about me. How she felt about us, and what I meant to her. They were too sincere, but all the parties and get togethers, the fa?ade and the things she did for Jackson, were beginning to pile up and affect me because I felt she should have been just as paralyzed as I was if she felt anything close for me as I felt for her.
The next day, even as I got little sleep, I tried to focus on work however the back and forth, the positive and the negative, began to take its toll even as Anya and I lobbied texts to each other in the morning. Her words ¡°I don¡¯t like what I¡¯ve become¡± rang in my head like a constant bell. I didn¡¯t like her word usage because it said to me in so many words, ¡°I¡¯d rather live dishonestly¡± as it seemed to stray away from her ¡°I¡¯d rather die than never have you in my life.¡± or ¡°You¡¯ve made me into a better person¡± sentiments. It only irritated me because it seemed honesty was her kryptonite, and to me she would be no worse than Jackson if that were to be true. I would feel completely betrayed at this point if she gave into fear, and that fear, that real possibility she did not like she had become a more honest person, did not allow me to sleep as I feared this may be a long week, one full of missing, and one full of unpredictability. Although I did not doubt her love for me, I doubted her intentions once again and it left me to feel a sense of hopelessness, like I did before I met her and right after Denise had left me. All I could do for the time being was wait and try to be prepared for the unexpected during the most contentious time of our relationship.
8:55 a.m.
¡°Good morning, babe! Sorry I couldn¡¯t talk last night. Ryan had his party at the race track at Los Alamitos. How was the bookstore? Did you get much writing done?¡±
ME: ¡°No worries! I hope you had a fun time! I didn¡¯t end up going to the bookstore. I did get more writing done though! It was really nice seeing you yesterday. Thanks for coming out!¡±
ANYA: ¡°I¡¯m glad u showed up at Abercrombie. How did you know to go to that one? There are two and that one happens to be Abercrombie & Fitch and I didn¡¯t mention that.¡±
ME: ¡°Oh really there are 2 of them? I had no idea. Just luck of the draw I guess! I thought that was the only one at the mall. I apologize if I seemed like I wasn¡¯t myself. I wanted to give you a hug so bad when I saw you. You caught me off guard by coming out. I didn¡¯t think you would.¡±
ANYA: ¡°I wanted to give you a hug too but was scared to. I just left Katie inside and walked out w/o any explanation. I thought that was sweet of you to show up.¡±
ME: ¡°Any chance I get to see you, I want to. I would have been just happy to see you let alone talk to you. I didn¡¯t think I¡¯d get the chance to talk to you.¡±
ANYA: ¡°I still get so excited every time I see u. It¡¯s amazing!¡±
ME: ¡°I hope you didn¡¯t feel obligated to come out of the store. I knew you were with Katie and I didn¡¯t want to put you in a bad position. I honestly just went to see you because you had a rough morning so if you needed me I could be there for you. I¡¯m just down the street anyway and it¡¯s not like I drove a great distance or anything. Just please don¡¯t ever feel obligated. You can be honest with me. I can handle it. Not that I think you¡¯re hiding anything from me.¡±
ANYA: ¡°Of course! Everything I tell you is the truth and I have nothing to hide. I just didn¡¯t want Katie to come out looking for me.¡±
ME: ¡°Again, it¡¯s not every day the most beautiful girl at the mall comes out of a clothing store to see me! I miss you very much!¡±
ANYA: ¡°Ha! Most beautiful girl? Ur so cute! I miss you very much too! I love you! Have a great day babe! Text me later! Xoxo!¡±
During my lunch break, I texted her to see how she was doing, and had the guts to ask her how her week looked, in the hope I¡¯d be able to see her. I guess she was helping Jackson with a building move during the weekend and it seemed to take up most of her time, if not all of it. Again, it hurt only because it was an extension of the fa?ade, but at the same time I understood it was something she needed to do, and it benefited the kids as well, not just her marriage. She also told me she needed a new roller ball for her Blackberry phone so she was busy doing that as well and then had to pick up the kids by 2:30 from school. We then texted that we missed each other and that was the last I heard from her until I exited the office to ask me if I could call her. Even though I had my reservations about doing so because I felt unsettled about this week, and what happened this weekend with her feelings about Jackson, I reluctantly called as the feelings I struggled to hide from her came to the surface.
¡°Hi babe!¡± she said once she picked up.
¡°Hi Beautiful! Always nice to hear your voice.¡± I said as her voice brought me a sense of safety.
¡°Nice to hear yours too.¡±
¡°How¡¯s your husband?¡± I asked reluctantly. ¡°I hope he didn¡¯t lose his sight.¡±
¡°I think he¡¯s fine. He didn¡¯t lose his sight.¡±
¡°I¡¯m glad babe.¡± I said. ¡°Your texts worried me the other day.¡±
¡°Why?¡±
¡°Just because it seemed like you wanted to be there for him rather than miss me. Even though you probably didn¡¯t mean anything by it, I took it a little personally.¡±
¡°You take things too personally and you shouldn¡¯t do that.¡±
¡°I understand, and I know it¡¯s not fair for me to take things personally like that, but I¡¯ve had some really horrible luck with women in the past and sometimes it sneaks up on me. I¡¯ve been through the ringer, and I fear history can repeat itself as it seems to do in my life.¡±
¡°I¡¯m not like the others, babe. I love you.¡±
¡°I hope you can understand why I feel the way I do about things you say about him though.¡± I said. ¡°That I trusted all the things you told me about him and it¡¯s the only reason I chose to be in our relationship. No offense babe, you¡¯re the most beautiful woman in the world to me, but the only reason I chose to be in your life was because of the ugly picture you painted of him to me. I hope you know that.¡±
¡°I do.¡±
¡°Good.¡± I said. ¡°Sometimes I worry if I¡¯m more of a luxury to you than a need.¡±
¡°Why do you feel that way?¡± she asked.
¡°I don¡¯t know. It just seems like you¡¯re okay with seeing each other when you have time. Every week or so. Maybe it¡¯s unfair to say that. I know you juggle a lot to see me, but I don¡¯t know. I guess I would like to know because I don¡¯t understand how you¡¯re good with only seeing me when you have time to do so while I need to see you, like I did at the mall yesterday even when I knew chances were I¡¯d not get to hold you or talk to you. Maybe you feel your feelings for me would change or mine would if we saw each other more?¡±
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¡°That¡¯s not true at all, babe. You¡¯re wrong.¡±
¡°Ok, I just wanted to let you know how I was feeling. I always want you to feel comfortable sharing with me anything even if it hurt me. I¡¯m trying to leave that door and window open for you.¡±
¡°I don¡¯t feel that way at all¡and I¡¯d tell you if that was the case.¡±
¡°Ok. I understand that¡¯s a hard thing to tell someone and I wanted to give you the opportunity if that¡¯s how you felt. Sometimes, it¡¯s the way I feel though. I hope you know I miss you very much and that¡¯s where this is coming from, and I hope you¡¯re seeing some kind of future together.¡±
¡°I try to gauge the kids and ask them about divorce.¡± she said.
¡°Ok.¡± I said. ¡°I¡¯m sorry if that sounded like pressure to you. I apologize.¡±
¡°After I meet you on Friday, I¡¯m going to have lunch with my mother-in law.¡±
¡°Ok.¡± I said stunned she told me this after my rant as I tried not to let it bother me.
¡°She¡¯s having a hard time adjusting to living in Aliso Viejo.¡±
¡°I understand.¡± I said. ¡°Babe, I¡¯ll let you go. I have some work I have to get done before I go to bed.¡±
¡°Ok.¡± she said. ¡°I love you.¡±
¡°I love you too.¡±
I had to escape from the conversation as I felt more unease. I loved to hear her voice but I didn¡¯t like it when that voice told me she planned to meet her mother-in-law on Friday. How could she look at her with a straight face in the middle of a deep relationship with someone other than her son? Didn¡¯t she tell me she was sick of her opinions? She saw a future with me, gauged the kids to see how they felt about a divorce, then met Jackson¡¯s mother after she leaves my apartment on Friday? Inside, I realized I was losing this fight. The missing became greater without warning, more pronounced than ever before, and now every little thing she did began to affect me on a massive scale.
To defend her husband, to do things that benefited her husband that were done in a dishonest nature now bothered me deeply. I didn¡¯t want to blame her, but at the same time the truth was if she hadn¡¯t painted a grotesque picture of the man, I would not feel all the pain I did now as I didn¡¯t understand why the faithful, loyal, caring, thoughtful one was the one left to feel punished. If she believed for a moment that her marriage could be salvaged in any way, then I felt she should have communicated that to me. ¡°Look I don¡¯t think I can leave because of the kids.¡± Then if I decided to still give her a chance, then I deserved all I felt now, but I only did what she asked of me to do for her, and took a huge leap of faith and belief in her in the process. I didn¡¯t understand how she could do this, and even worse, never understand how she could let me go all because I informed her of these things. At this point, if things didn¡¯t work out, after she told me about Yom Kippur, how she felt about her husband¡¯s ¡°laceration¡± and now meeting with her mother-in law, I¡¯d feel she chose her marriage and Jackson, a man who mentally and emotionally abused her, over me, the one who truly cared for her. The one who truly loved her. The one who made great sacrifices for her that left me to feel paralyzed and unable to do anything while she went to parties, shows and trips. All without a single real care as to how it would make me feel to find these things out after I had poured my heart and soul into her. All the things she did, day in and day out, to keep her marriage alive and functioning, now disgusted me. It felt like a sharp slap in my face at times so it was now very hard for me not to take these things personally as it seemed every time we got together now was only to mend a heart that broke almost every day. Of course, this is how I felt at the moment, but it was becoming more often I felt this way. In addition, I couldn¡¯t tell her this. It might upset her and then the kids could learn about us and I didn¡¯t want that to happen. I was in a tough spot like a soldier in a foxhole surrounded by the enemy as it seemed only a matter of time, I¡¯d be found out and crushed.
The difference between Anya and I, wasn¡¯t the obvious one, she was married and I was single. The real schism existed because she was most comfortable living a dishonest life and I was most comfortable living an honest one. I was a deeply authentic person and I was in unfamiliar territory that left me to feel naked and uncomfortable yet more aware than ever. I just wanted to get my promotion and begin to live a truthful life again. Anya lived a dishonest life for so long, it didn¡¯t faze her as I believed she felt uncomfortable living an honest one, the one I sought for both of us. I felt her kids were living in a neighborhood where divorces and infidelity was commonplace and that money ruled all. Was that really a good place to raise her kids? She claimed to care about their well-being but she must have meant their financial well-being because I didn¡¯t know how their emotional well-being could be healthy if their own mother¡¯s wasn¡¯t. I saw Anya getting to spend more time with her kids and even being a better mother if she left Jackson because she would be happier and not hanging out with her friends as much at bars. She claimed to have no future plans even with me in her life? She claimed to me ¡°money and things don¡¯t lead to happiness¡± yet she decorated her son¡¯s bedroom walls with dollar bill caked wallpaper? She allowed Katie access to her purse anytime she wanted to? Now she¡¯s meeting with her mother-in-law on Friday? Did she think all because she had money she was entitled to people¡¯s feelings as well? And all I wanted to do was believe her. All I want to do was trust that she wouldn¡¯t bring me this far for nothing. That she wouldn¡¯t bring me in her life, and ask me to do the things I did for her, just to leave me hanging out to dry with all these feelings of love for her. I had to admit, I was becoming lost and falling apart at the seams, as my love for her never waned but actually grew stronger. The more I felt like this, the more I felt if she stayed it would be for him, and not just for the kids, and that stamped my life out more than anything in this world ever could.
I believed Anya knew what she shared with me at the end of our phone conversation didn¡¯t sit well with me as she texted me right after the phone call.
7:51 p.m.
¡°Thanks for calling. I love your voice on the other side, makes me feel closer. It doesn¡¯t matter what we talk about. Just to have you talk to me is enough. I miss you¡±
ME: ¡°Hearing your voice makes me feel closer to you as well. I miss you too.¡±
I also couldn¡¯t understand how we could talk about any topic and it wouldn¡¯t affect her at all. I seriously didn¡¯t think Anya did this on purpose, I just didn¡¯t think she realized how some of the things she did and felt could affect me. One of the things I bet on was Anya¡¯s yearning to live an honest life; that she was an authentic person. To meet her mother in law under these circumstances took the air out of me and all the happiness I felt over the weekend. I also was very tired, and had a long stressful day at work as I felt this contributed to my negative emotions. I knew Anya could say or do one thing and then I¡¯d snap out of this funk and feel completely different, but for now I didn¡¯t feel any relief and only agony regardless of how closer it made her feel to me when she heard my voice. She then sent me a probe text as I remained mostly mute about the nature of our call and how I abruptly ended it, something I never did.
7:52 p.m.
¡°What¡¯s wrong? JK¡±
ME: ¡°I¡¯m sorry babe. I¡¯m just tired that¡¯s all. It¡¯s been a long day.¡±
ANYA: ¡°I know babe. I love you forever!¡±
ME: ¡°I love you forever too.¡±
Although I tried to give Anya the impression I wasn¡¯t upset with her with anything she told me, when she sent me another text over an hour later, I knew I couldn¡¯t hide my negative emotions from her.
9:46 p.m.
¡°Goodnight babe! I love you!¡±
ME: ¡°Goodnight Beautiful. I love you too.¡±
And she made sure the next morning I knew, that she knew.
7:49 a.m.
¡°Good morning! Were you mad last night?¡±
Even though I didn¡¯t fall asleep until three in the morning, I decided to hold my ground and not let her know what bothered me.
ME: ¡°No. Why would you think that?¡±
ANYA: ¡°By your punctuation!¡±
I had to cycle back and read through my text last night to see, but she was right. My punctuation totally gave myself away, but that¡¯s how reliant this relationship was on the English language and grammar usage. I could be in trouble on that alone.
ME: ¡°Crap. You got me.¡±
ANYA: ¡°I¡¯m on to you!¡±
ME: ¡°It¡¯s like you¡¯re Sherlock Holmes or somethin¡¯¡¡±
ANYA: ¡°Precisely¡My Dear Landyn!¡±
Her response to my nod to Sherlock Holmes brought a huge smile on my face as I seemed to forget all about the lunch meeting with her mother in law until she didn¡¯t allow me to further forget.
ANYA: ¡°Btw what kind of soup do you like at the Comers Bakery? My mother in law wants to meet there for lunch on Friday cuz she likes the butter nut soup.¡±
Did she realize how hard it was for me to hear she was having lunch with her mother in law, the mother of the son she married who she wasn¡¯t being faithful to because he screwed her over four times? Should this bug me as much as it did? Did she not understand how this would upset me after I¡¯ve given her the last year of my life? As much as I still didn¡¯t understand why she would carry on the charade, I decided to bite my lip afraid to lose the good vibe we built this morning between us. I¡¯d been fatigued and stressed out at work as I fell behind on many of my engagements, and really needed to pick up the pace. Whenever I had to work more, it made it tougher because I¡¯d be less available to see her, and that only added to the longing.
ME: ¡°I really like their tomato soup. Never had their butternut soup.¡±
ANYA: ¡°Ok thanks! 3 more days!¡±
ME: ¡°3 more days! Seems like forever since I last saw you!¡±
Three more days until I get to see you for a couple of hours before you meet up with your mother in law¡± is what I wanted to text her, but I held off afraid it might hurt her feelings. What if it was her only way to see me and it was her alibi?
ANYA: ¡°I know! It feels like it¡¯s been forever since I last saw u! Have a nice day sweets! I love you!¡±
ME: ¡°Have a great day, babe! I love you too!¡±
Was I a ¡°sweets¡± or a sucker or just a sucker for being a ¡°sweets¡±? I didn¡¯t know but I knew I¡¯d feel worse if I said anything about her Friday meeting with her mother in law. I just didn¡¯t think it was right. It probably made Anya feel like a better person, but if she¡¯s still a dishonest one, how could it truly make her feel that way? I didn¡¯t like its non-authentic nature, and I didn¡¯t agree with it at all. I just didn¡¯t want to say anything that may upset her around her kids. I had to wait until I could present it better to her because right now the emotion was so raw it would be a total display of passive-aggressive behavior, probably my biggest weakness as a person, a behavior I wasn¡¯t fully aware I possessed until I fell in love with Anya, but I almost had to have it by default because of the sensitive nature of our relationship, and how she could be affected around her children. As much as this meeting with her mother-in law bothered me, and anything else that did, I couldn¡¯t let her have it. In the past whenever I did, I was usually wrong about it even though this time, after how she felt about her husband¡¯s accident and being upset about missing me more than him, I felt I had a valid reason to be upset this time around. At around lunch time, she sent me a text that further validated the way I felt.
12:26 p.m.
¡°Sending u lots of luv! Xoxo!¡±
Now she was sending me lots of ¡°luv¡±? I felt like texting her ¡°Btw what is ¡°luv¡±? I know ¡°love¡± but aren¡¯t you missing a couple of letters here? I then, for the first time, began to question my own sanity. How could I be so sensitive to this? The word ¡°luv¡±? And for the first time it really hit me how much this woman¡¯s love meant to me. How much it meant everything to me. How much my entire existence had now come to rely upon it. That the subtle difference between her ¡°love¡± and ¡°luv¡± could send me to the thought of a marine green bridge on a city¡¯s waterfront. I fought to come to my senses, to laugh at this, but I couldn¡¯t. What I could do though, was realize I was very tired, I had gotten little sleep, and was stressed out at work. And again, even though my feelings were hurt, how could I ever feel she intended to hurt them by merely typing ¡°luv¡±? For some reason, my instinct, my intuition, was telling me something didn¡¯t feel quite right with her. That she hid her true feelings about me from me, even about us and our future she claimed to not know about. Every visit we had, every meeting she planned to make with me, gave me hope she saw a future together, and she would make good on the promise she made to me when we first started seeing each other; to be together if she fell in love with me. That, if nothing at all, was worth leaning on more than my sensitivity to a unique word spelling.
Our afternoon text exchange was extremely shorter than usual especially after I told her I wasn¡¯t having the best of days, which didn¡¯t help with the onslaught of negative feelings about her ¡°luv¡± for me as she told me to ¡°hang in there¡±. I just didn¡¯t feel the ¡°love¡± and only the ¡°luv¡± or fun she seemed to be having at a time I desperately needed to see her ¡°love¡±. I sent her a text to tell her I missed her in case maybe it was her who wasn¡¯t feeling the ¡°love¡± from me as her response gave me a respite from the emotional disaster I seemed to be headed towards.
1:47 p.m.
¡°Awww baby. I miss u too. I was just thinking about u. Decided to make my pumpkin/butternut risotto and was wondering if you¡¯d like it. Katie will be happy.¡±
Another extremely difficult thing about not being together was the fact Anya seemed to be a great cook and enjoyed doing so. I ate out all the time and although I didn¡¯t eat too unhealthy it sure would¡¯ve been nice to have a good home cooked meal every so often. Living with Anya was a fantasy of mine because of how much fun we¡¯d have together in the kitchen as I wanted to be a better cook myself. I dreamt about taking a cooking class together and both of us being able to cook for each other one day. The more I dreamt about that particular scenario, one of many we could definitely share together, the harder it was to accept her staying as I knew she would not only give me a reason to wake up every morning but also prolong my life so I¡¯d have my fair share of early mornings.
ME: ¡°Babe, I¡¯m sure anything you cooked up, I would enjoy it. It sounds tasty even though I will admit I never had risotto of any kind before!¡±
ANYA: ¡°I¡¯m going to look up roasted tomato basil soup recipe and perfect it!¡±
ME: ¡°That¡¯s very sweet of you, babe. I¡¯m sure I¡¯d love it anyway.¡±
I thought it was very thoughtful of her to think of me when she made soups. She told me she loved to make them in October and here we were right in the middle of it, true to her word. I now felt her ¡°love¡± again, as I chalked up her ¡°luv¡± as being comfortable with me, and I was happy she felt that way. I was a playful type of man, not a serious type where every little thing bothered me, and I began to realize I was losing the playful fun side of me, the side she fell in love with. I couldn¡¯t let these things bother me, but at the same time I never saw Denise¡¯s breakup with me coming. When it blindsided me, I felt left out in the cold, and distraught with negative feelings about life and even thought about ending it, although I never believed I would, but the pain was that deep for me as I no longer felt inspired by life. Although Anya taught me that I never truly was in love with Denise, it didn¡¯t mean I wasn¡¯t emotionally bound to her in anyway. It wasn¡¯t so much her breaking her my heart as it was how badly she made me feel about myself. I didn¡¯t like myself and I knew if I didn¡¯t, no one else would. Anya¡¯s love gave me the ability to love myself and losing her would be to lose that for good. My entire life was simply at stake, and innately, I knew this truth although I would never tell Anya after she admitted to being scared for having replaced my bitterness, hurt and sadness. If I placed another burden on her, a burden personal to me, she would leave and once she did, I¡¯d know she didn¡¯t love me and that my life, whatever was left of it, would be over. With the way, I handled heartbreak for a woman I didn¡¯t truly love, now with a career job that depended on a sound mental state, I know I¡¯d lose everything and not just Anya. And there was no turning back now and no know that turned off all I felt.
Knowing all that was now at stake for me, I wanted to be more focused on the positive than I¡®d been. The fact she wanted to perfect a tomato basil soup recipe for me was very sweet of her, and I looked upon that as a huge extension of her love for me, and I was touched and flattered by it. I sent her a text later that evening to thank her for her recipe of thoughtfulness.
7:26 p.m.
¡°Awww hun you don¡¯t have to thank me. It was just a natural thing for me. Obviously, you like the soup cuz u go there often to have it.¡±
ME: ¡°Well I really appreciated the thought. It was very sweet and I look forward to having a real soup for once!¡±
She then hit me with something I totally forgot I told her about that I often snacked on.
ANYA: ¡°Guess what? I picked up a box of Cheezits and I had them today! Wanted to copy u! Ok I haven¡¯t had Cheezits in 4 years! They were quite buttery and good!¡±
ME: ¡°Yes! I love Cheezits! They are quite buttery and good! You should try putting them in the freezer. They are really good cold! My mom hooked me on those when I was a kid. She always had them around the house. We might have lived off them for a time. Doesn¡¯t surprise me we both like them! We like almost all the same things! Why not Cheezits? Glad you enjoyed them!¡±
ANYA: ¡°Really? In the freezer? That¡¯s b/c we¡¯re soulmates! I did! Katie loved it!¡±
ME: ¡°Well I hope she saves some for mom! The soup may not be a big deal to you but it meant a lot to me. I didn¡¯t have the best of nights last night. I couldn¡¯t fall asleep until 3 and it¡¯s been a long day. What was no big deal to you made my day, babe. Thank you.¡±
ANYA: ¡°Why 3 p.m.? Were you down?¡±
ME: ¡°My mind works overtime at night sometimes when I need it to shut down.¡±
ANYA: ¡°You must have a lot on your mind.¡±
ME: ¡°I¡¯m under a lot of stress and pressure at work right now. A couple of clients with problems I haven¡¯t seen before, but they always go pretty well in the end. Just getting there has taken longer than I hoped. I¡¯ll get through it.¡±
ANYA: ¡°I am truly sorry from the bottom of my heart babe. It breaks my heart to hear that. I wish I could have been there for you.¡±
ME: ¡°You were there for me babe. Just texting me. Meeting me for tea on Saturday. You¡¯ve been there. Did you think it was something else?¡±
ANYA: ¡°Idk. I thought maybe you were up late watching TV and couldn¡¯t go back to sleep.¡±
ME: ¡°I have bouts with insomnia sometimes. I don¡¯t take anything to fall asleep and so I guess it takes a long time trying to shut my mind down.¡±
ANYA: ¡°I understand.¡±
ME: ¡°Rest assured tonight though I will sleep like a baby. In fact, I better get to bed. I¡¯m beat. Have a goodnight beautiful. I love you. I miss you. Thanks again for the thoughtfulness.¡±
ANYA: ¡°That¡¯s good babe. I miss u and I love u too. Sweet dreams. Goodnight.¡±
Even though she was still having lunch on Friday with her mother-in-law, I felt much better after our conversation and happy I acknowledged my current situation at work affected my mood and how I perceived things, even as I remained unsettled by her mother in law meeting on Friday and other things that transpired during the past week that kept me on guard. At least for a night, I would be able to not let those things steamroll in my head, but I felt secure if they did, I¡¯d be able to present them in a way Anya would understand.
The next morning, I texted her good morning and asked her the burning question all inquiring minds wanted to know about her morning; did she have Cheezits for breakfast?
8:40 a.m.
¡°I¡¯m glad ur feeling better. I¡¯m good thanks. Another busy day? No Cheezits babe.¡±
ME: ¡°I¡¯m sure it will be another busy one. I think they going to assign me to a new engagement. Do you have a busy one today?¡±
ANYA: ¡°Does that mean you have to work on Friday? My day is going to be busy steady. I¡¯m co-hosting a (mindless) Bunko game w/my friend on Friday night so getting ready for that.¡±
I got the sense she seemed a little stressed out about something on this morning. It almost felt like she hoped I had to work on Friday so she could cancel on me, and spend time with her mother-in-law instead and this Bunko party she now had planned with a friend. Or maybe I was just imagining thing as my insecurity sprang to life.
ME: ¡°Oh no, I still have Friday off. Are you ok?¡±
ANYA: ¡°Yes why?¡±
ME: ¡°Idk, you seem a little stressed out.¡±
ANYA: ¡°How can you tell?¡±
ME: ¡°By your punctuation! I¡¯m on to you!¡±
ANYA: ¡°Ha! Well yes and no. I have a lot on my mind with the corporate office move and party for Friday. I may have to cancel my lunch cuz I may have to go into the OC office. Move starts Fri.¡±
It seemed like her visit with me on Friday was creating a burden on her, one my low self-esteem and insecurity deemed to be unnecessary, and it felt like a hint I should take the lead on no matter how much it would leave to miss her more than I already did.
ME: ¡°Sweetheart, if it¡¯s too much trouble to come see me this Friday, we can meet another time. It sounds like you have a lot on your plate that day, and I don¡¯t want you to be more stressed out than you are. We can see each other next week. It sounds like it¡¯s putting too much stress on you to do all these things on Friday.¡±
ANYA: ¡°Not at all! I¡¯m canceling my lunch w/my mother-in-law cuz I have to go in at some point and I won¡¯t have time. I¡¯m still planning on Fri around 10ish.¡±
Initially she had planned to come see me at around noon, but now she planned to come see me at 10ish so she could spend more time with me. The way she had no hesitation in canceling on her mother in law made me feel where the burden of stress rested upon. The fact she chose to spend time with me over her mother-in-law after I offered once again spoke volumes about where her heart and mind was, and where she wanted to be and go without even having to ask her, without ever having to bring up why she was meeting with her mother-in-law considering our relationship. It was good to know she didn¡¯t feel right about it as she decided to canceled on the fake part of her day.
The hardest part for me about this particular week, and why I felt some trepidation about it was mostly because it was unusual that Anya didn¡¯t text me in the afternoon everyday like she usually did as I had to initiate the afternoon texts between us. I started to depend on my lunch time exchanges with her, the only real time during work I could talk, so I tried to bridge a gap I feared was missing for a reason I have yet to learn of. I decided to ask her for the recipe for the tomato soup she planned to perfect for me.
12:40 p.m.
¡°The recipe is quite simple babe. Hope you¡¯re having a good day! Xoxo!¡±
Her response was closed ended and it worried me even more than if she had just not texted me at all. I knew she had a lot on her plate, but she always did so something beyond my awareness appeared to be out of place. At least it¡¯s what my intuition told me.
ME: ¡°I¡¯m having a good day. How¡¯s yours coming along? I hope you¡¯re still ok.¡±
ANYA: ¡°I am. Just running around! This week seems long! It¡¯s only Wed!¡±
ME: ¡°Doesn¡¯t it feel like Friday is a week away and not just 2 days away?¡±
ANYA: ¡°No kidding! Can¡¯t wait to see you!¡±
ME: ¡°I can¡¯t wait to see you too! I love you!¡±
ANYA: ¡°I love you!¡±
I believe this was the first time I ever had the guts to send her a probe ¡°I love you¡± text to see if she met me punctuation wise, and she quickly did. Even though something still seemed off base, I chalked her silence up to just another stressful afternoon for her. The last thing I wanted to do was add on to it for her.
About an hour later, the Anya I knew reappeared.
2:05 p.m.
¡°Do you want to know the easy way or the hard (time consuming) way? Of course, it¡¯s always better to make it from scratch which is the hard way.¡±
ME: ¡°I didn¡¯t know there was more than one way. Whatever way you have time to explain!¡±
ANYA: ¡°I don¡¯t have the recipe in front of me but it¡¯s basically blending roasted tomatoes (homemade or canned), garlic, olive oil, basil, cream and chicken stock. After this crazy weekend, I will try both ways!¡±
ME: ¡°What¡¯s the shorter version?¡±
ANYA: ¡°Ok you roast tomatoes in the oven w/olive oil about 45 min first. That¡¯s what takes up time. Then you saut¨¦ onions and garlic. Throw all the rest in a blender.¡±
ME: ¡°I¡¯ve heard the term many times in my life but what does it means to saut¨¦? Also, what is chicken stock? Never heard of it.¡±
ANYA: ¡°What? Ok I can¡¯t tell u how to make it over text. Too complicated. I will make it next week and give u the perfect recipe. My version! You can buy chicken stock, beef stock or veggie stock in the grocery store. It¡¯s just clear soup made from chicken, beef or veggies. Of course, I always use veg stock. I take it you don¡¯t cook much.¡±
I had been with Anya for almost eleven months now, and knew her for sixteen months, and not once has she used the word ¡°what¡± unless something bothered her. I couldn¡¯t put my finger on it, but something affected her. I just didn¡¯t know yet what it was as her patience with me seemed to be on an unusually short leash as it left me to feel she would cancel with me on Friday if given the chance. She then continued with her informative texts.
ANYA: ¡°I would use chicken stock for you since you like that taste. Usually you can¡¯t tell the difference although I can cuz I¡¯ve been a vegetarian for so long.¡±
ME: ¡°I¡¯m not much of a cook babe. I eat out most of the time. If you were in my life I¡¯d be inclined to eat in and cook more but it¡¯s just me and I haven¡¯t had the time to learn although I¡¯ve always wanted to with a wife or serious girlfriend. I just didn¡¯t want you to go out of your way to make me something that takes up so much time considering how busy you are babe, although I do appreciate the thoughtfulness in wanting to do so. Just thought maybe I could try myself but it seems pretty involved and I can fuck up a piece of toast, trust me, so I¡¯ll just wait.¡±
ANYA: ¡°Ha ha! Awww babe. That¡¯s ok. I would have fun teaching you. I could tease you forever!¡±
ME: ¡°I would love to learn from you. Trust me you could have a field day teasing me in the kitchen! I would just ask you to do so wearing a skirt and high heels!¡±
ANYA: ¡°Ha ha! And a bottle of wine? We¡¯ll never get any cooking done!¡±
ME: ¡°Oh don¡¯t worry babe. We¡¯ll cook something up! Whatever you cooked up would taste good anyway!¡±
ANYA: ¡°Ha ha! Thanks babe! U would never tell me my cooking sucks anyway! You¡¯re too nice!¡±
ME: ¡°You¡¯re busting your tail off for me, making me a great meal. It¡¯s the fact you were thoughtful enough to prepare a meal for me and I¡¯d be grateful.¡±
ANYA: ¡°I would never look at it as ¡°busting my tail off¡±! It would be my pleasure!¡±
ME: ¡°I¡¯ve never had anyone care enough about me to do that for me and I¡¯d never take that for granted. I¡¯d truly appreciate it.¡±
ANYA: ¡°Really? You¡¯re breaking my heart, babe. I would so cook for you! I would wait for you in a skirt and heels! Oh and a bottle of wine of course!¡±
ME: ¡°Now I really can¡¯t wait to see you on Friday!¡±
ANYA: ¡°I can¡¯t wait to see you too! I love u!¡±
ME: ¡°I love you so much!¡±
ANYA: ¡°I love you so much too!¡±
The sensual cooking lessons really got me going and it made me miss her that much more as I believed these special cooking lessons had a real chance at happening one day. I still got a sense something was off with her, but it was nice to know her fun self could make an appearance on an off-beat day.
About an hour later she texted to me to see what I was up to for the evening but when I told her and asked her the same, I didn¡¯t hear from her until over an hour later, another unusual quirk she exhibited on this day. When she did get back to me however, she revealed what affected her mood on this day.
7:28 p.m.
¡°Just got home. Staying in tonight. I don¡¯t think I¡¯m going to run on Sunday. My friends will run/walk. I pulled something and I felt it this morning.¡±
I knew how much these races meant to her, how they made her nervous and made her count her medals the night before for inspiration. If she was unable to run, I knew it affected her because running was what she used to deal with stress, and especially with her busy Friday, I could tell this was why she was not herself on this particular day. It just broke my heart I couldn¡¯t be there for her. To hold her. Kiss her. Reassure her. Help her out in any way I could. That was the hardest part for me because I loved and cared about her so much, and it became harder to go through from this distance.
ME: ¡°Were you hoping to beat your last time? Where are you hurting, babe?¡±
ANYA: ¡°We¡¯re just doing this race for fun. No timing. Side of my knee. Left outer. I¡¯m bummed about it. Oh well that¡¯s the way it goes. I¡¯ll rest before the next half.¡±
ME: ¡°I¡¯m so sorry to hear that babe. I know what these races mean to you.¡±
ANYA: ¡°It¡¯s ok. Comes with the territory. I better go. Andrew has 2 tests tomorrow and he¡¯s freaking out. I¡¯m going to stay up studying with him. Goodnight love. I love you.¡±
As the day ended and began its transformation into night, I felt more secure she wanted to see me on Friday as she revealed she hurt her knee early that morning and it ruined her race on Sunday. As I went to bed that night as I wished she was with me so I could have made her feel better about it, I chalked up my wonder about her unusual behavior to related to just a bum knee. Once she bridged that gap, I vowed to be more positive and to not dwell on my past luck with women, but only in the goodness in all the luck that surrounded me in Anya. Times had changed. The dark days were truly behind me and a true metamorphosis had taken place through Anya¡¯s love for me as I was able to soundly fall asleep without worry.
The next day though, two months exactly from our perfect morning, she was silent as the sun rose into a morning sky. I tried to not let it affect me at work, but for the first time in at least seven months, there was no ¡°good morning¡± text. No ¡°good afternoon¡± text even as consistent as that was with the rest of the week. I wanted to text her to see how she was doing but I feared she was stressed out and too busy to talk like she seemed yesterday as I feared a closed ended text. As the hours passed, the less focused I became at work, to such a point I became paralyzed and unable to work at a time I desperately needed to as I morphed into a mental zombie unable to concentrate.
When a text did finally arrive well into the early afternoon, there was no greeting and no love, as nothing could prepare me for what she had to say, brought upon by a movie I mentioned in passing a couple weeks ago.
2:17 p.m.
¡°Watched ¡°Unfaithful¡± this morning by myself. It shook me up. Though I don¡¯t think I¡¯m doing the same thing cuz I¡¯m unhappy and I¡¯m in love with you. It¡¯s still wrong.¡±
Before I could respond she sent me another text that detailed her emotions and intent.
2:18 p.m.
¡°It broke my heart to see her neglect her son. I can¡¯t do this. I¡¯m sorry.¡±
After I read her fear ridden texts, I know knew the reason why she asked me if I would fight for her, as I realized the biggest fight of my life, for life itself, was now upon me.
CHAPTER 17 ~ TRUE INTENTIONS
¡°Life is short and if you¡¯re looking for extension, you had best do well.
¡®Cause there¡¯s good deeds and then there¡¯s good intentions.
They are as far apart as Heaven and Hell.¡±
~ ¡°Ground on Down¡± Ben Harper
After I read her text, all I could do was stare at my phone while my hand trembled terribly--how would I respond? In fact, I was afraid to respond at all; in denial the world I dreamt of everyday, one I actually lived, all I¡¯ve known and loved for nearly eleven months began to crumble around me as Denise 2.0 reared its ugly head.
2:19 p.m.
¡°I think we should wait until I figure out what I want to do.¡±
2:20 p.m.
¡°Sorry to drop the bomb but I¡¯ve been a wreck all day and I didn¡¯t want u to wonder.¡±
At this point I decided to step away from my desk and take a walk outside--the first time I ever had to leave the office over our relationship.
2:28 p.m.
¡°I am so sorry. It¡¯s shitty of me to text u but I¡¯m a mess. I¡¯m sick to my stomach. I¡¯m sure you hate me right now. I don¡¯t want to hurt u, my love, my life.¡±
2:32 p.m.
¡°I¡¯m distracted. All I think about is you. All I want is to be with you when I¡¯m sitting there helping with homework, making dinner, watching TV, anything. I¡¯m not there.¡±
2:33 p.m.
¡°I need to figure it out then make a decision first.¡±
I tried to digest all of her texts as they streamed in, each one pulling me toward and away from her at the same time. The part I loved about her texts was their honesty about everything. She didn¡¯t leave me in the dark, but I felt this coming over the last two weeks--believing she sought ways to break away instead of ways to be together. As much as I ached to be with her, I had to be honest with myself--it just didn¡¯t feel like she genuinely loved me--viewing me more as a disease than the cure. More as a luxury than a need; more as a temporary stress relief than a permanent solution. That¡¯s all I could feel while trying to keep it together and understand where she was coming from. But the more I felt that way, the harder it became to contain the negative emotions that slowly built up within.
ME: ¡°I often wonder if you¡¯re truly unhappy and miserable how this is not reflected upon your kids and how that is any good for them b/c it affects their emotional well-being. I don¡¯t know how it couldn¡¯t. I wonder how watching your marriage and them thinking your marriage is normal can be good for them as well. I also wonder how living in a neighborhood where cheating is apparently rampant could be a good thing to grow up in regardless of the affluence that surrounds them. But most of all, I wonder why they seem to be taught that money and material things lead to happiness. I think you owe it to them to teach them that¡¯s not true.¡±
Her response to this absolute truth would provide me with the way of her thinking as if she truly wanted the best for her kids, and if she truly loved me, I felt she wouldn¡¯t disagree with what I texted to her, as my heart held out hope my mind would not overtake it as she sent me her next barrage of texts in response.
3:08 p.m.
¡°I wasn¡¯t out looking for you. I fell in love with you. I want to be with you. I¡¯m scared to death, I don¡¯t want to hurt anyone, I will always love you.¡±
3:11 p.m.
¡°I love you and yes I want to be with you. I dream of it every day and have real thoughts of telling my husband.¡±
3:11 p.m.
¡°You want the truth? Here¡¯s the truth. The truth is I was betrayed. I¡¯m not happy but I¡¯m there for the kids, cheating is not rampant, money does not equal happiness.¡±
The last thing I wanted to do was question her struggle but I felt she deserved the honesty of what I felt about this just as much as she felt I deserve this honesty from her.
ME: ¡°I don¡¯t believe cheating is rampant. I just believe it¡¯s prevalent around where you live and I question how that is any good for your kids to be around. Is love afraid of anything? Especially true love? I think love sees the good in us, and not the bad. All the things that could go right instead of all the things that can go wrong. I¡¯m sorry but I don¡¯t feel you want to be with me nor are in love with me right now, and to be honest, I¡¯ve felt this way all week. If you stay, I¡¯d feel you¡¯d choose him and your marriage over me, and not your kids.¡±
ANYA: ¡°I¡¯m sorry if you don¡¯t believe me. I don¡¯t blame you. I think I need to figure it out first. I understand if you don¡¯t want any part of me should I decide to leave. If you want to talk I will make myself available anytime between 5:45 ¨C 7 pm tonight.¡±
ME: ¡°I just feel if you can stay in your marriage, after all we¡¯ve shared, I¡¯d feel you chose your husband over me.¡±
ANYA: ¡°Please don¡¯t call me if you¡¯re going to be angry. I don¡¯t know if I can handle it. We can wait until tomorrow if it¡¯s too soon. Again, it¡¯s not you against him.¡±
In our relationship, the one thing Anya never had to face that I did on a daily basis, was another person she shared some kind of intimacy with. Although I felt she loved me more than she loved Jackson, she represented to me he meant nothing to her, and before I decided to go this route, he would be a non-issue and her marital status would change if she fell in love with me, and I didn¡¯t think that was fair to my heart. To tell me ¡°I don¡¯t think I can handle it if you¡¯re angry¡± or ¡°I need to figure things out first¡±. There were too many ¡°I¡¯s¡± in her communication to me, and for the first time I saw how this relationship was all about her. All the things I did weren¡¯t for me, sure I was happier and in love, but I did these things for her happiness over my own because I trusted her love and all she told me she would do if I did the things she asked of me. Fighting for her and for her love were two things I felt allowed to do. If she fought with me as I fought for her, then that¡¯s not love and that definitely wasn¡¯t a show of love for me with another man in her life, and that¡¯s why I felt she would choose him over me, and the kids was a disguise she wore so she couldn¡¯t hurt me, but I wanted to be hurt so I could move on without thinking this relationship ended because of something I did. That our love ended because she ended it with lies instead of honesty. Her text about it¡¯s not me against Jackson, who she still believed I did not know, unsettled me as it discounted the way I felt. If she wanted to prove me wrong, all she had to do was one thing; promise to be with me. At the very least, she needed to know how staying in her marriage to her husband would make me feel in further detail.
ME: ¡°It doesn¡¯t make sense to me that you want to hurt the man who would never hurt you than the one who has. You share the same bed and are intimate w/a man you told me you no longer trust. How else am I supposed to feel? Your kids are not in the room when that happens so I know u r truly in love w/me but that¡¯s a hard pill for me to swallow. Every time you crawl in bed w/him I hurt regardless if u r in love w/him or not b/c I feel that stuff goes on more than I want to know. It doesn¡¯t matter if you run, which u r doing by the way, I will always be affected by it b/c I will always love you. It¡¯s not that I¡¯m comparing myself to him b/c I¡¯m sure that¡¯s old hat but when u get turned on when u think of us he probably reaps the benefits of that. So sorry babe, it is b/c of that I feel it is somewhat him against me. Like he¡¯s good enough to be with b/c of the financial security he provides and I¡¯m not. Idk how to not take that personally.¡±
I thought the woman who truly loved me would have understood, after all the times I understood her situation, how her marriage with him made me feel. I thought wrong.
ANYA: ¡°Maybe you shouldn¡¯t call me. Talk about beating me down when I¡¯m hurt and down. You need to cool down b4 I can talk to you.¡±
I couldn¡¯t believe her reaction. Beating her down when she¡¯s hurt and down? Didn¡¯t she just hurt me with all she just texted me? As if eleven months meant nothing? As if I never existed in her life? I felt I had the right to fight for her. To test her love for me all the times she thought I couldn¡¯t be real, and who ended up being fake. I couldn¡¯t allow her to do this without a fight. Not after eleven months, not after she asked me to fight for her; for times like this. The mental abuse her husband had unleashed on her has now been unknowingly unleashed upon me? The man who loved her? The man who truly cared for her? Not because she was an employee who helped me make money while taking care of my kids. There was too much at stake now for both of us. As upset she made me, I loved her. I couldn¡¯t allow her to go through with this huge mistake I felt she was making out of fear, not out of truth or fact but out of fear. I respected the fact she felt like she ¡°wasn¡¯t there¡± for her kids. But she¡¯s not always there. She goes out to bars with girlfriends, something my mother never did who was married. She wasn¡¯t there for her kids when she did that. Why wouldn¡¯t she tell her friends she can¡¯t go out with them anymore to bars until she figures it out? This came also without any consideration of what I had went through and sacrificed personally for her happiness. Don¡¯t I have a say in this decision when I know it¡¯s so wrong? The last eleven months, every time I left work so she could be loved, doesn¡¯t she think this should be a ¡°we¡± decision and not a ¡°me¡± one? Did she think I could ever hurt her this way? Figure it out? What¡¯s left to figure out? I¡¯m the second man in your life, not the first! Our relationship wasn¡¯t a mistake, it was a decision she already made. I knew one thing and one thing only; I couldn¡¯t allow her to cave into fear. I had to fight for her like never before.
ME: ¡°I can¡¯t allow this to happen.¡±
ANYA: ¡°You can¡¯t allow what to happen?¡±
ME: ¡°To let you run away from me. You¡¯re not with me. You push me away when I want to be with you. Prove me wrong about what I said babe. Prove me wrong that it¡¯s not him against me. I beg u.¡±
ANYA: ¡°I wanted to still see u tomorrow, but now I¡¯m too scared to.¡±
ME: ¡°You¡¯re too scared now? After eleven months of never being scared? It seems like you¡¯re looking for a way to get over me so you can continue pursuing a false life instead of a true one. And I feel an image and lifestyle to uphold are reasons too. I love you and know too much to allow that to happen now. I¡¯m sorry. Unfortunately, it doesn¡¯t seem like you¡¯re going to come to me willingly so now I need to try and bring you to me or we will lose our chance at true love forever. If u hate me for it, I¡¯d understand but it¡¯s what I have to do to learn the truth.¡±
ANYA: ¡°You are scaring me. R u going to physically hurt me? Please don¡¯t do anything you will regret. Please don¡¯t push me away.¡±
I reread the text I sent her to try and understand where and why she thought for a second I¡¯d ever physically hurt her. I then remembered her ¡°stalker¡± story she told me the day we spent at ¡°our beach¡±, but I also remembered I told her that day I would only raise a hand to her in love, and never in anger, but if her ¡°stalker¡± tried to assault her, then I could understand how she felt the way she did. It seemed I punished her unfairly sometimes for the things Denise did to me, so I took a step back afraid she would get the wrong impression and what I fought for.
ME: ¡°I would never physically hurt you, Sweetheart. I¡¯m just going to do what you asked me to do for you; to fight for you. I can¡¯t just let you run away without a fight. If you can¡¯t let me do that then I can¡¯t feel anything but completely used right now. I¡¯m sorry if I hurt you with anything I texted.¡±
ANYA: ¡°Used? I love you. That¡¯s using you?¡±
ME: ¡°Is your plan to push me way so you can get over me?¡±
ANYA: ¡°Well that was not the plan but you¡¯re making it that way.¡±
ME: ¡°I¡¯m fighting for you. If you can¡¯t see that then how can you say you love me?¡±
ANYA: ¡°Fuck you! If you¡¯re thinking of hurting my kids you¡¯re blowing any chance of us being together. Please don¡¯t punish me for loving you. I resent you for scaring me.¡±
She blew me away with her word choice, but even worse, I didn¡¯t understand why she would ever think I¡¯d consider hurting her kids. Did she mean physically? I loved her so it didn¡¯t make sense to me she¡¯d think I would ever hurt her kids. I disagreed wholeheartedly in what she was doing as it didn¡¯t feel like she loved me. Wouldn¡¯t love fight for her to see things differently? If someone I truly loved fought for me this way why would I fight with them? Wonder if they would hurt my kids if I loved them? I just didn¡¯t understand how she could throw this one my way.
ME: ¡°Hurt your kids? Why would you think I would ever want to do that? Idk, I¡¯m just really hurt by all of this. How could you be so cold to me after all we¡¯ve shared? You¡¯ve questioned if I was real, and here I am showing you day in and day out and this is my reward? I just don¡¯t understand how you could treat me this way.¡±
ANYA: ¡°I told you I want to figure it out but it seems like I don¡¯t get that chance.¡±
ME: ¡°Idk what to say. Now I¡¯m afraid.¡±
ANYA: ¡°You can call me if you want to, but if you¡¯re not going to call me now I¡¯m going home.¡±
ME: ¡°I think I need to cool down.¡±
ANYA: ¡°K.¡±
I felt blindsided then blitzkrieged by her and wasn¡¯t sure if we¡¯d survive. I couldn¡¯t believe love did that, especially a love she told me was true but her texts hit me on all I feared the most. If her love for me was real, one I let my guard down to trust it was even in the face when my love was questioned. All the times I hurt and kept silent so it wouldn¡¯t upset her around her kids. I wasn¡¯t a perfect person but I tried hard to be perfect for her, yet I felt punished for it, and it led me to question her intentions. All she felt on this day she had to know she¡¯d feel. Her love for her kids always strong. Her care for their well-being. Why did she think if she left her marriage and chose to be with a man who made her a better person would be such a bad thing? Then the thing I believed meant the most to her, the thing the truly kept her there, the thing she wallpapered her son¡¯s room with, money was the thing that truly kept her there and if I was up against Jackson¡¯s wealth, something most men would fall short on, I trusted she wouldn¡¯t have made me feel bad when I decided to walk away from her. Her silence all day, her boisterous texts that followed, made me question her real intentions. Intentions I began to question each day now. The intention to ride this train out until it reached its destination instead of hers. To a degree though, because I loved her, I also understood. I had to look through her eyes, and not just my own, but when you¡¯re in pain because this person you miss is your life, your everything, and losing them ends all of it, and leaves you with nothing but years of emptiness, made it difficult. I couldn¡¯t return to that life again, and I knew if I did, I couldn¡¯t allow that as much as I couldn¡¯t allow Anya to just run away from our love almost a year in. And the irony of it all? This happened two months to the day since our beautiful morning together.
After our conversation, over an hour long I realized, as I had taken a second lunch it seemed. When I reached my office, I couldn¡¯t concentrate as I put my head in my hands and through my hair several times. Our conversation drained me emotionally, so much so I began to doze off as I held my head in my hands as I tried to catch up on sleep I missed lately. I then heard something hit my desk and I rose abruptly with a figure at the door of my office I tried to make clarity of.
¡°Hey! No dozing off on the job, Lastman.¡± said the voice I quickly, and thankfully realized it was Kevin.
¡°You caught me in the act.¡± I said. ¡°Guilty as charged.¡±
¡°Oh yeah? Well. Only one thing comes to mind.¡±
¡°What¡¯s that?¡± I asked as I looked up at him.
¡°It¡¯s accounting.¡±
¡°Yes. Technically auditing.¡±
¡°Even worse.¡± he proclaimed. ¡°Man, you must be putting in some late hours.¡±
¡°Why do you think that?¡± I asked.
¡°The circles under your eyes are hypnotizing me.¡± he observed.
¡°Wish I could say it was accounting that¡¯s been keeping me up.¡± I said.
¡°It¡¯s not?¡± he asked. ¡°What is it?¡±
¡°Love.¡±
¡°Love?¡±
¡°Love.¡±
¡°I didn¡¯t know you were in love, Land.¡±
¡°You have no idea, Kev.¡± I said. ¡°I¡¯m completely smitten with this woman.¡±
¡°How long have you been seeing her?¡±
¡°Almost eleven months now.¡±
¡°How come you never mention anything about it?¡± he said as he nudged me. ¡°I thought I was your friend.¡±
¡°Well, it¡¯s not something I usually announce Kevin, plus I don¡¯t know where it¡¯s headed.¡±
¡°You don¡¯t want to marry her?¡±
¡°That¡¯s the problem.¡± I said. ¡°I do. She wants to marry me too but it¡¯s complicated.¡±
¡°How complicated can it be?¡± he said. ¡°It¡¯s love.¡±
¡°It¡¯s love. That¡¯s for sure.¡± I agreed. ¡°But it¡¯s not within the ideal circumstances.¡±
¡°What¡¯s the problem?¡± he asked as I strode by him to shut my office door.
¡°Can you keep a secret?¡± I begged.
¡°Of course. I¡¯m your friend. Lord knows you have the goods on me.¡±
¡°She¡¯s married.¡±
Kevin started to laugh after I revealed the truth, a truth I only shared with two other people I knew my entire life. I trusted Kevin though. He helped me get the partnership with the firm by mentoring me. I wouldn¡¯t be the accountant or auditor without his help, and I had no reason not to trust him. When he realized I wasn¡¯t laughing with him he realigned himself.
¡°She married, Land?¡±
¡°Yep.¡± I said. ¡°Remember the girl I told you I met at Sonomas a while back?¡±
¡°The crazy one who approached you and that you turned down?¡±
¡°That¡¯s the one¡but I ran into her again after I met that girl, Lexi.¡±
¡°The one who wanted to date that DJ?¡± he said. ¡°The one who got in the playboy mansion?¡±
¡°That¡¯s the one.¡± I said. ¡°I felt it was the universe telling me something since every available girl I wanted a relationship made themselves unavailable, I thought I¡¯d try an unavailable one with the hope maybe they would make them self available to me.¡±
¡°What¡¯s been going on?¡±
¡°She¡¯s scared.¡± I said. ¡°She¡¯s afraid to take the leap I wasn¡¯t afraid to take for her, but we¡¯re working through it. I just have to give her more time.¡±
¡°Even though I think you deserve better, I also hope it works out the way you hope it does.¡±
¡°Thanks.¡± I said. ¡°I have to admit it¡¯s kind of tearing me apart at the seams but I think she¡¯ll do the right thing. I trust her love for me. Great things take time. Nothing worth having is going to be easy.¡±
For the next thirty minutes, I talked with Kevin as I didn¡¯t want him to leave my office without knowing why I got involved and how great the love between us was. After I explained that, I worked up the strength to tell him the real significance of who I fell in love with.
¡°That¡¯s not the crazy part though.¡± I said. ¡®About all of this.¡±
¡°What do you mean?¡± he asked. ¡®There¡¯s another part to this?¡±
¡°I found out about three to four months ago her husband is Jackson Caiaphas.¡±
¡°What?¡± he responded loudly. ¡°Our largest client, Jackson Caiaphas?¡±
¡°Can you believe that?¡± I said.
¡°And you¡¯re still seeing her?¡± he asked incredulously.
¡°I love her that much.¡± I said. ¡°Even though I¡¯ve been pounding the pavement behind the scenes for a new client in case he ever finds out, he¡¯s got a laundry list of his own indiscretions. I feel if he ever threatened to leave our firm these would come out in the open because people will wonder why he left. If his constituents learn his wife left him for a man who truly loved her after years of emotional and mental abuse, it would only make him look bad. I don¡¯t think he can leave our firm, but in case he does, I¡¯m going to get something comparable lined up.¡±
¡°There is nothing comparable though, Land.¡± Kevin stated. ¡°No one can replace him¡not for a large local firm like us.¡±
¡°It might take five or ten clients, but I¡¯ll work hard to make it happen.¡± I said. ¡°but I really don¡¯t think he¡¯ll go that route. I think his reputation and image means too much to him to leave us.¡±
¡°Well, my advice to you would be to keep this all under wraps. You know how conservative Clyde is. He doesn¡¯t know¡does he?¡±
¡°Of course not.¡± I said. ¡°If it gets to a point where I think we¡¯ll lose his business because of it, I¡¯ll talk to him.¡±
¡°You must really love this woman.¡± he said. ¡°I worry about what could happen to you if he finds out.¡±
¡°If I was worried, Kev. I would have ended our relationship. I got this. I believe in our love. I believe things will work themselves out. I¡¯m positive about that much.¡± I said. ¡°Jackson has too much to lose to do anything to me. Anya would protect me if he tried anything. I trust her love for me.¡±
¡®I hope you¡¯re right my friend.¡± he said. ¡°In the meantime, if you need anything. You need to talk or anything please reach out okay? You were always there for me when I was having problems. I would like to be there for you.¡±
¡°I appreciate your friendship.¡± I said as my hand reached out for his to shake. ¡°I¡¯ll keep that in mind.¡±
¡°Good.¡± he said as he looked at me. ¡°Are you heading out?¡±
¡°I¡¯m clearly not getting any work done here at the office so going to head home to catch up.¡± I said. ¡°Thanks for listening, Kev.¡±
¡°Glad I can be there for you.¡± he said. ¡°Remember, if you need to talk.¡±
¡°Thanks, Kev. Thanks.¡± I said as he stepped out of my office and I headed home for an evening full of uncertainty.
An hour after I arrived home, as I tried to assess the aftermath and felt worse about making her feel bad for trying to do the right thing in her eyes, she texted me.
7:46 p.m.
¡°You¡¯re right. Cheezits are better cold.¡±
When I read her text, it allowed me to take a step back as a smile swept across my face. This wasn¡¯t just an acknowledgment that Cheezits were better cold. It was rather a confirmation of her trust in me. That she trusted I would never do or say anything to hurt her. That I loved her. That I wanted her to experience the best things in life and not feel guilty about them, and not out of fear. Fear the Cheezits would taste worse if she put them in the freezer. Trust that I wouldn¡¯t fight for her to be with me if I thought it would destroy her kids. The trust to know if she did leave, she would no longer be distracted by her hopes and dreams but with reality. If I didn¡¯t truly love her, I would have not pushed back. I would have let her run, even opened the door for her and nudged her out. The problem was I loved her dearly, feelings she not only allowed me to have but also encouraged me to have. She questioned if my love was real, and I feel all I did here was prove it as I threw her question back her way. Prove to me you¡¯re real, Anya. Prove to me you knew what love was as much as I did. Allow me to trust in your words that ¡°I believe in our love¡± that led me to feel all I did. The time to leave Jackson neared closer every day. Every text she sent me, a confirmation of this truth, and I not only was an advocate for her to follow her heart but her champion of truth. The truth she could no longer live this way and she could no longer keep living a lie to all those around her. Friends, family, her husband, her kids and more so than anyone, herself. Her honesty with me was what made me feel special. It made me feel worthy of her love simply because I believed I was the only one she was authentic and genuine to. I was the only one who knew the truth, and I wanted to guard that for her. I didn¡¯t want anyone, even friends who thought should be made aware of it, never knew the truth. The truth that existed in both of us, the universe¡¯s own. You couldn¡¯t lie to the Universe. It knew all that surrounded us even past this life, into forever, and why I felt our love was destined for such greatness. In fact, I couldn¡¯t believe I went through thirty-seven years of life on this planet never knowing this kind of love existed let alone for me, and I wasn¡¯t ready to lose that and to be honest, at the point I knew I never could.
ME: ¡°Did you put them in the freezer?¡±
ANYA: ¡°Yes of course. You told me to.¡±
ME: ¡°I would never mislead you, babe. I love you.¡±
ANYA: ¡°They really do taste better cold! They don¡¯t freeze, they just get cold! I love you too!¡±
Who would have ever thought Cheezits could help bridge a gap and keep people together? When Anya shared her Cheezits story with me, it seemed to mend all we just argued over, which I would really have considered our first real back and forth with each other. The greatest feeling was how such a simple text, allowed me to forgive her and to forget as we both acknowledged we could have handled it better; her knee jerk reaction to seeing a movie that imitated her life to a small degree and my end of the world reaction to it. Even though I still held on to my reservations, her trust in me, in my love for her, that I would never hurt her with intention unless in self-defense, meant a lot for me to know and that¡¯s what I took from this. I would never boss her around. I would always want her to be her own person and independent, but all I wanted her to do was listen to me, and I knew she¡¯d listen to herself, and realize my message was one made out of love and care only. She was my best friend, and I was hers and I took that responsibility seriously. If she loved me she would at least listen and consider, like I would. As a best friend, I couldn¡¯t lie to her how I felt. That wouldn¡¯t be a best friend. I couldn¡¯t sugarcoat things that would lead her to making a bad decision. One day her kids were going to leave the house and live their lives, and then it would just be her and Jackson. I wanted her to see the big picture that lied on the horizon, not just the present in front of her. Don¡¯t throw us away, based on a knee jerk reaction. I didn¡¯t want to distract her from her kids but how could me being out of her life change her truth? I faulted my presentation, it wasn¡¯t the best, I was still at work and she hit me with something I had already been reeling with negative emotions not only that day but throughout the week and I returned her knew jerk reaction with one of my own. I believed there was nothing we couldn¡¯t talk out and figure out on our own, and I was trying to learn how to resolve conflict in an emotionally charged relationship and it wasn¡¯t easy for either of us.
8:34 p.m.
¡°Thanks a lot for getting me started on Cheezits! Now Suki is begging for them too.¡±
ME: ¡°Even Suki knows they¡¯re good in the freezer! You¡¯ve had them before haven¡¯t you?¡±
ANYA: ¡°Yes, but I haven¡¯t had them in years. I bought them after u bought them so I copied you.¡±
ME: ¡°Well, it¡¯s an honor to be copied by you.¡±
ANYA: ¡°U ok, babe? I still love u, u know.¡±
ME: ¡°I know. I¡¯m sorry I was insensitive to how the movie made you feel.¡±
ANYA: ¡°By the way, you¡¯re wrong about him ¡°reaping the benefit¡±. I sleep on the furthest side every night. I masturbate on my own when I think about you. It¡¯s always just u and me.¡±
ME: ¡°I believe you babe. I don¡¯t know why I texted that.¡±
ANYA: ¡°I don¡¯t know what u think up in your head.¡±
ME: ¡°Babe, imagine the man you¡¯re deeply in love with sleeps in the same bed every night with another woman. Of course, you¡¯re going to think the worst especially when you know the man u love doesn¡¯t want to hurt you. Especially when I know how great it feels to sleep with you. It just adds that much more craziness to the missing.¡±
ANYA: ¡°I can¡¯t imagine.¡±
ME: ¡°Did I do something wrong, Sweetheart? If I did, I¡¯m sorry.¡±
ANYA: ¡°No not at all. U did nothing wrong. I didn¡¯t do this cuz the movie either.¡±
ME: ¡°Haha! You said you saw the movie this morning then texted me to say you couldn¡¯t do this! You¡¯re funny. I don¡¯t know what u think up in your head, Cheezits. The movie had to have some kind of impact on you otherwise you would have told me this earlier. What part of the movie did you identify with? You and her were both in it for different reasons. She neglected her son, but in what way did you identify with that part of her?¡±
ANYA: ¡°You mean messy hair disheveled look in the am, cooking w/shit everywhere, multitasking, making lunches, distracted, etc.? Yeah, pretty much.¡±
After she shared that description with me, I didn¡¯t know what to say to it, but it seemed like she held me responsible for this and not a husband who disrespected her. I knew if she was honest, this part of her life was over, but because she chose a life of dishonesty, she would never escape this description and lifestyle. If she listened to herself, all the things she just described came to an end. She would no longer be distracted. She would have me, she would have us. Ending our relationship did not end her love for me, as the missing would only continue, but I was willing to work with her to help her be less distracted if she needed me to, even if it meant I¡¯d hear less from her.
10:09 p.m.
¡°R u there?¡±
ME: ¡°I¡¯m here.¡±
I didn¡¯t know how to respond to her prior text so I didn¡¯t as it seemed her mind was made up. That her and Diane Lane¡¯s character in ¡°Unfaithful¡± we¡¯re one and the same. I guess I hoped she would have paid more attention to the snow globe scene when her Diane Lane¡¯s husband had to body bag her ¡°boy toy¡± after hitting him in the head with it and allowing him to bleed to death. I could only hope she never made it through the movie to see that part.
ANYA: ¡°U ok?¡±
ME: ¡°I¡¯m hanging in there.¡±
ANYA: ¡°I¡¯m so sorry.¡±
ME: ¡°I¡¯m fine, babe. I don¡¯t want you to feel bad.¡±
ANYA: ¡°Who knows what the future will bring?¡±
ME: ¡°Sure.¡±
ANYA: ¡°Are you taking this as goodbye forever?¡±
ME: ¡°I just think you¡¯re being sweet. You¡¯re not that much of a positive thinker.¡±
ANYA: ¡°Ok, I¡¯m sorry. I¡¯ll leave u alone. Take care babe. Goodnight.¡±
I knew I wouldn¡¯t be getting much sleep on this night, as I was thankful this news didn¡¯t hit me on a Monday but rather a Thursday. If this is what she wanted and she wouldn¡¯t allow me to fight for her, nor even consider the sacrifice I¡¯ve made for her, then what could I do? At the same time though, her apologies seemed sincere and warm. They were well received and I felt Anya just had a really bad day, and she was entitled to them. They were far and few in between and if I loved her as much as I truly did, I need to consider her situation at home. I didn¡¯t want to punish her for that because she was never with Lance the romantic singer long enough to know she would experience this with her kids. I just felt I knew the truth; that this wouldn¡¯t even be happy if she listened to her heart. I felt her kids would receive 110% of her, not just 75%, and I just didn¡¯t see the difference of the distraction of me in her life and her going out with her friends to bars. I felt she would be a better person, a better mother if she left Jackson without even being with me, and if I was just a friend with knowledge of the situation, I would have believed the same thing.
This tale has been unlawfully lifted from Royal Road; report any instances of this story if found elsewhere.
On Friday morning, while I was asleep, Anya sent me a number of texts to further convey how she felt.
5:20 a.m.
¡°I¡¯m sorry for telling you ¡°f**k u¡± and that I hate and resent u. Idk what came over me. I don¡¯t talk that way. It was just if I can¡¯t trust u then who?¡±
5:23 a.m.
¡°I just felt betrayed and the anger came out. I¡¯m sorry about the whole thing. I just don¡¯t know what to do? I¡¯m desperate babe. I thought you¡¯d understand.¡±
5:25 a.m.
¡°You¡¯re my best friend and I don¡¯t want to hurt you. I just need to figure it out. In the meantime you never know what will happen in the future. It¡¯s the truth.¡±
5:27 a.m.
¡°It wasn¡¯t that I was trying to be sweet it¡¯s that u never know. I told u I couldn¡¯t promise u anything cuz idk. That hasn¡¯t changed. I just need time.¡±
5:28 a.m.
¡°I just need time to figure it out on my own. Ultimately it is my decision whether we¡¯re together or not. I need to separate to think clearly.¡±
5:31 a.m.
¡°I¡¯m sorry to do this to you again. I didn¡¯t plan on doing this the day before. I miss u. I¡¯ve never cancelled on u b4 have I? Tell me if I have cuz I don¡¯t recall.¡±
5:33 a.m.
¡°I didn¡¯t sleep last night. I¡¯m a little foggy this morning. If u want I can still come by but I don¡¯t want you to try and talk me out of it. Let me know if u want to.¡±
After I read her texts, I decided to call in sick at work as I felt a nervous nauseousness. I didn¡¯t understand how she could question my trust as if hers never could be questioned. And she felt betrayed that the man who is in love with her, a man she asked to fight for her, betrayed her by wanting to bring her towards the truth? The thing that drew me to Anya was her belief in our love, so how could she tell me she believed in it, but now needed to ¡°clear her head¡± so she could figure it out? I saw this as a nice way of leaving someone for good, a subtle way, but if she was going to do that, I wanted the truth from her. I wanted to be told she still loved Jackson. I wanted to be told, her perception to others was more important than her love with me. I wanted her to tell me I wasn¡¯t her everything, because if I truly was, there was nothing to ¡°figure out¡±. I felt betrayed as I read this as if this was all a show she put on as the way I felt about Yom Kippur, her ¡°worry about the holidays¡± and her subtle yet loud disappearances over the course of the last couple weeks left me to feel this way. These were things I felt, I should have been told from the beginning because not only did her kids exist way before I did, but another man she claimed left her because of them, did as well. I felt if anyone had the right to feel betrayed, it was me as she promised me before I decided to become a part of her lie, a lie I had no idea she would make me a part of, to leave Jackson if she fell in love with me. To leave the man who betrayed her, and not need time to figure out if she could be with the man who never would. The thing that bothered me the most is that she seemed to think, since it appeared she received anything she wanted in life, that she was also entitled to people. To their hearts. To their souls. How could she ever make the assumption anyone would want to just ¡°fall in love¡± with her without ever being with her? Maybe most guys wanted to have sex with her, and would be okay with it, but she knew from day one I wasn¡¯t that kind of man. To me, that¡¯s betraying someone. Telling them horrific stories about someone in order to get what they needed from that person, promising that person they would leave if they fell in love with them, asking that person to fight for them, and then sending them text messages I had just read. If she felt ¡°betrayed¡± by me simply trying to stand up for her ¡°hope, wish, and dream¡± then how could she say she truly loved me? How could she question me anytime I doubted her intentions?
In the same breath, I also tried to see things through her eyes as I felt like the irrational one if I didn¡¯t. The craziness at home with the kids, the way they looked up to her for guidance and in actuality, she had to feel like a fraud to them, a feeling she wasn¡¯t good with. I could appreciate that, and I wanted them to adore their mother. I didn¡¯t want them to be affected or hurt by a decision she made. The problem was, there was another man now in her life that she claimed she loved very much, so much so, she loved him forever. I had done more than what was asked of me for her to leave. Even as things ripped me apart inside and tore my life to pieces I couldn¡¯t recognize it anymore, I kept quiet so she could continue being a mom. I let her initiate all the texts because those were her true feelings and never allowed her to feel a sense of obligation for doing so. She chose to do so. She chose to bring me closer. She chose to let my feelings grow for her. Of course, I had the ability to pull back too, but I loved her. I truly loved her and that also meant I believed in her and trusted her even as she tore my world apart with her indecision after she made the decision to allow and encourage my feelings to grow for her. She didn¡¯t understand a simple concept though, that only required common sense, that no one wants to fall in love with someone for just the sake of falling in love. In her situation, it works. She has money, She has her ¡°family¡± she has security. She has someone whether she loves him or not if she has a sexual need, but she allowed someone to fall deeply in love with her who didn¡¯t have any of those things. For the first time, I began to really see how mentally ill she was, and I hated to see her in that light, but she was not a stable human being. She believed faithfulness in a marriage was unrealistic. She believed all men cheated that had options to. She brought two men into her life to feel great things for her without consideration of their emotions or feelings, as if all men should be devoid of these things yet it¡¯s what she sought from them. These things though only made me want to fight for her more. To heal her. The truth was, she might already have been too far gone.
It seemed everything she ever told me was a lie, at least it was how I felt about things. Then I would think about her ¡°desperation¡± and the last thing I wanted was for her kids to find out about her but I also didn¡¯t think it was fair to be a ¡°secret¡± because that wasn¡¯t the deal from the beginning, and she knew that. I couldn¡¯t respond to her texts and if she did come over the only thing on my mind would be this conversation as I disagreed with her. You just don¡¯t allow people into your life then let them go to figure things out. I trusted the figuring things out happened when she allowed me into her life, after I walked away because of her ¡°situation¡± she told me would change. As strong as I felt, I struggled with my thinking. Was I being unfair? Was I being insensitive? Was I being selfish? Was I being inconsiderate to her feelings?
9:17 a.m.
¡°Leaving for work soon. I understand u don¡¯t want to see me but can u at least let me know you¡¯re ok please?¡±
ME: ¡°I understand you being upset with me. I felt betrayed yesterday too though. Your texts really surprised me. I¡¯m sorry but I don¡¯t know what to think of this. You¡¯ve never cancelled on me before. You know I want to see you and you know I miss you but I don¡¯t think I can just stand there and watch you make another bad decision to stay in your marriage w/o trying to talk you out of it. Have a good day babe. I love you.¡±
I wanted to see her, but I knew where I¡¯d go and didn¡¯t want her to waste her time coming by then having to hear what I had to say if she didn¡¯t want to hear it. If I couldn¡¯t fight for her, I didn¡¯t see the point. She killed the mood for both of us, anyway. If she wanted to separate to ¡°figure out¡± things then why even bother coming by. It disturbed me even more when I thought about just a few days prior she shared her dream with me, and it just made me even more sick to my stomach as I felt my emotions were non-existent to her all because her husband¡¯s emotions were in the past as I could tell she didn¡¯t know the difference between someone who loved her and someone who just loved to have sex with her. Yet, I¡¯m the one she needed time away from.
9:40 a.m.
¡°Ok, I understand. I¡¯m leaving in 15 minutes. I¡¯ll wait for you. If you don¡¯t text me then u have a good day too. I love you.¡±
I didn¡¯t understand her text as I informed her if she came over I was going to fight for her. I even told her to have a good day as I was really in no mood now to see her as I didn¡¯t see the reason for a visit now.
ME: ¡°I don¡¯t understand what you mean. I did text you.¡±
ANYA: ¡°I got your text, I was trying to tell you, I¡¯ll wait for you in case u change your mind about seeing me.¡±
Change my mind? Was she joking? Was she crazy?
An hour later, I received the text I always loved to see.
10:39 a.m.
¡°Here¡±
After I changed my mind, I believed if she didn¡¯t want me to fight for her, she wouldn¡¯t have given me a chance to change my mind. I had to find a way to make her understand the reason I walked away from her before we reconnected was because I wanted to avoid situations like the one we had right now. I trusted her to not allow me to go through such a scenario when she told me I broke her heart when I walked away from her fourteen months ago. Now that I was in and I was in deep, she could no longer deny her role in the current situation, and punish me and our love for it, after I walked away from her. If this was wrong, I tried to do the right thing by walking away, and I trusted her when she allowed my feelings to grow for her. How could she allow someone¡¯s feelings to grow as deeply as mine did for her, and even question my sincerity about them all, to run away? To run away from the truth? I was hurt she allowed me to feel so much and pull away out of fear. A fear I trusted her to show me before we got involved as she had five months to think about this, and a guy she dated before me. I had to respect what she wanted, as much as I disagreed with it, I had to but to say she felt betrayed without considering the reason I existed in her life, discounted my existence a great deal, and it led me to question her true intentions. Ultimately it was Anya¡¯s decision to leave her marriage but I felt by allowing someone in her life for eleven months and encouraging him to have feelings for her, she would ultimately feel a sense to do the right thing because no matter what she did, someone was going to get hurt, and she definitely knew that much going in. In fact, I walked away because I didn¡¯t want to be part of hurting others, but I started to care for the wounded, and the more I knew, the more I personified Jackson¡¯s karma. I also didn¡¯t understand how she could tell me ¡°I was important to her ¡± and ¡°my everything in many ways¡± and five days later I was a distraction and she needed to separate.
When I saw her at the gate, I refused to get lost in her beauty for the first time. It hurt too much to look at her. She grabbed my hand as we walked to my place but the excitement I usually felt had gone missing in action. Of course, I eventually took her in but the more I did the more it hurt. As we walked inside my apartment, I locked the door behind us, and she came into my arms.
¡°I¡¯m really sorry.¡± she said as she began to sob. ¡°My love, my life.¡±
¡°It¡¯s ok.¡± I said as I brought her closer. ¡°I understand but at the same time I don¡¯t.¡±
¡°I feel I have the best of both worlds¡that¡¯s why I¡¯m doing this.¡±
Her intentions weren¡¯t bad, but I felt if that other world was considered the ¡°best¡± she misrepresented that ¡°other¡± world to me with all she told me about it. A ¡°world¡± she told me made her unhappy.
¡°I think the problem I¡¯m having is that you told me that that particular world made you unhappy¡± I said. ¡°The reason I¡¯m here.¡±
¡°This isn¡¯t good bye forever, babe.¡± she said. ¡°I just want some time to figure some things out.¡±
¡°Ok.¡± I said. ¡°But this time, I think I need to give you your space.¡±
¡°What do you mean?¡± she asked.
¡°I think we should stop communicating. No text messages.¡± I said. ¡°As much as that¡¯s going to kill me, I think it¡¯s something we have to do. If I don¡¯t respond to a text, don¡¯t take it personal. You know what I want¡it¡¯s what I wanted for eleven months now.¡±
¡°I¡¯m afraid if I do this, you¡¯re going to hate me so if I come back¡you won¡¯t take me back.¡± she said. ¡°I wouldn¡¯t leave unless someone was there for me.¡±
¡°I will always love you. I will always want to be with you. My love is real and always was real.¡± I said. ¡°I won¡¯t hate you, but I think if I don¡¯t hear from you for a year, I¡¯ll just figure you never truly loved me although it wouldn¡¯t change how I feel about you.¡±
¡°That¡¯s...that''s not fair.¡± she replied.
¡°Sweetheart, in my mind you chose another man over me.¡± I said. ¡°I won¡¯t lie to myself. I live a life of truth, not one of dishonesty and not one of mental convenience.¡±
¡°When I told you, I love you forever I meant it. I will always love you.¡±
¡°Love first has to become a verb, before it can be a noun.¡± I said. ¡°I¡¯m not saying you aren¡¯t attracted to me. I know you are. I think you think you love me, and I feel your love most of the time but times like this leads me to wonder if we are one. You told me that too.¡±
¡°What am I to do, babe?¡± she countered. ¡°I feel it¡¯s the right thing to figure this out first. I¡¯m not there for my kids and I need to be.¡±
Upon her words, I took a deep breath, and considered her words with her kids in mind.
¡°I¡¯m sorry to be so tough with you on this. I¡¯m trying to be empathetic to that but it¡¯s hard because I feel so much for you.¡± I tried to explain. ¡°A defense system I¡¯ve built in myself over the years to handle disappointment. I don¡¯t think it¡¯s fair of me to do that to you. I¡¯m sorry. It¡¯s a scary thing now to live life without you, but I wouldn¡¯t stop you. I can¡¯t stop you. All I can do is fight for you to understand and be honest with you about how it affects me. I think I¡¯d be doing you a disservice if I wasn¡¯t honest.¡±
¡°This isn¡¯t good-bye.¡± she said as her lips searched for mine as we began to kiss for possibly the last time.
She then broke away with tears still in her eyes as I tried to dry them gently with my thumbs.
¡°Carolyn and Debbie both think you¡¯re a gem.¡± she said. ¡°they don¡¯t know what man would go through what you have for me.¡±
¡°I¡¯m grateful they see that.¡±
¡°You¡¯re the only man I trust.¡± she said. ¡°The only one.¡±
Her statement was one I took great pride in as she bestowed a huge honor upon me. I always wanted to be the only man she trusted. I took that title and duty seriously however I wanted to say the thing to her, but I didn¡¯t know.
¡°Thank you.¡± I said.
¡°I think I¡¯ve never been more in love with anyone in my life than you.¡± she said.
¡°Now that¡¯s something I know is true for me.¡± I said as I kissed her.
I was sensitive to everything around Anya now. Even though her statement was intended to be hopeful and sweet, I was surprised to hear the words ¡°I think¡± in front of her statement as the metamorphosis of a word from a verb to a noun held more significance to me. I guess I believed from prior conversations that was something she never needed to think about.
When she left my apartment, I felt this would end up being her last visit to my place. I respected her for wanting to stop by, but I felt her plan was to pull away then stay away. I understood the first time she did, but this second time I had a hard time understanding. I loved her to pieces. I wanted to be there for her but I felt that¡¯s the reason she was still there, I¡¯ve been nothing but there for her. I had to find a life without her and to hold on to the dream she loved me. The more I thought about it, I felt bad to question her love for me, I knew she did, I just questioned her true intentions as it appeared she lacked the courage to do the right thing. The only hope I had was she would come to realize how important I truly was in her life, but if she never did, I¡¯d know where I always stood and where I¡¯d have to go.
6:43 p.m.
¡°I know it¡¯s going to be a rough night for both of us. Take care babe. You¡¯re always on my mind. I know u said u won¡¯t text but please know you can anytime u want.¡±
ME: ¡°Thanks babe. You¡¯re always on my mind too. Don¡¯t ever forget that. Always know I¡¯d love to be your husband one day. Take care.¡±
Four hours later, she responded.
10:38 p.m.
¡°I know babe. I won¡¯t forget that. You¡¯d be the best husband. I miss you like crazy. Goodnight. I love you forever.¡±
The fight for her existed in me, but I didn¡¯t know how to think or what to feel. A part of me felt she greatly misled me about her situation and why she remained married. She didn¡¯t know I knew who Jackson was, but I didn¡¯t know that until well within or relationship. I felt to keep that information from me was either the greatest betrayal or the greatest act of love, but I couldn¡¯t pick a side on which to believe simply because I loved her. She was the only woman who ever truly made me feel special and to lose that through her fear was hard for me to accept. Anyone with advice for me didn¡¯t know Anya. I did. I know what we experienced in the privacy of my apartment, in the beauty on ¡°Our Beach¡±, in the dream that was Laguna Beach. How she wanted to wear my ring. How much she cried that night when she felt ill because of comments made by her family about how she married ¡°well¡±. I knew the lie that was her life. I knew that truth that was our love. When she wanted to pull away to figure out things, I felt like a fool as it made me have to consider if her love was as true as mine. Our form of love had to be on the same page. It wasn¡¯t enough we loved each other. Her inability, and even her unwillingness to figure things out devastated me to the very core of all I stood for and rationalized. For her to pull the rug out from under me in this way, it took away the legitimacy of a rational noble decision she led me to believe I made. It hurt, and I felt betrayed by her words but in the same breath, I appreciated her honesty. Not to leave me believing nothing was wrong, however I found it unfair to tell me just the other day I was important to her and then to leave me saying she needed to figure some things out. If I was important to her, what was there to figure out? For her to tell me ¡°I need time to think clearly and figure things out¡± instead ¡°I need time to think clearly so I can figure out a way and time for us to be together¡±, I would¡¯ve handled things better, but without that, I felt betrayed, played and used. To allow someone to grow feelings for you then pull away for any reason especially after eleven months was more wrong than her falling in love with another man.
I had to put it in the hands of the Universe. Ultimately it was her decision, and she had to feel good about it. I wouldn¡¯t have wanted her to leave out of obligation or because I forced her to. I wanted her to come to me naturally but it was hard to allow her to do what she needed to simply because I needed her. She was my life. My everything, but I had to let go of her hand. My heart was going to feel tremendous pain, but if she truly loved me and as much as I began to question it, she wouldn¡¯t be able to break away from me. We went through this one time before. Before the beauty of our morning together. I had to trust the Universe. I had to trust in the stars and the sun. The beauty of our own world. As much as it would hurt, I had to, and if she chose to stay then determine if a life without her is worth living.
The next morning, she sent me a text to let me know how she felt.
8:24 a.m.
¡°God I miss u. Last night was tough. I hope ur ok.¡±
ME: ¡°It was a hard night for me too. I miss you something awful. I¡¯m ok. I just hope you are.¡±
After I read her text, I prayed she was genuine about her feelings because I didn¡¯t understand how she could miss me because we never talked between a ¡°goodnight¡± text and a ¡°good morning¡± text. I didn¡¯t want her to feel sorry for me. We were in this together. I just wanted her to see the whole picture, not the one in front of her, and understand why I felt this was the wrong thing to do.
An hour later she text me back.
9:48 a.m.
¡°R u still in bed babe?¡±
I had fallen asleep when she texted me and didn¡¯t realize she sent me a text until I woke up.
9:55 a.m.
¡°R u there?¡±
ME: ¡°I¡¯m here, Sweetheart.¡±
I didn¡¯t hear back from her so I figured I got back to her at a bad time. She then texted me again.
10:49 a.m.
¡°How r u?¡±
ME: ¡°I¡¯m missing you. Just thinking about yesterday.¡±
ANYA: ¡°I miss you so much. I wish I can have yesterday back. I don¡¯t feel like moving. Thank god soccer game was cancelled today.¡±
As much as I wanted her to realize she was doing the wrong thing, I also didn¡¯t want her to feel paralyzed and depressed in bed. I didn¡¯t have kids and it was okay for me, but not for her. Her kids would notice mom was down because Anya was up early every morning.
ME: ¡°Babe, please get out of bed. I don¡¯t want you to feel depressed. Your kids are going to wonder, babe. You need to be there for them. I understand so please don¡¯t worry about me. I¡¯m fine. I love you.¡±
ANYA: ¡°I mean moving my body. No one is home. I¡¯m in bed. I have to get ready to go to a baby shower but I don¡¯t feel like moving. I was up earlier but got back in bed. I guess I wanted to copy u. I love you very much. I woke up to you touching me. The dream was sexy.¡±
ME: ¡°Why can¡¯t I have any of these type of dreams? How do I not have them? That is sexy, babe. I wish I had you in my arms right now.¡±
ANYA: ¡°I¡¯m touching myself right now. So wet thinking about you.¡±
ME: ¡°I¡¯m doing the same. Thinking of you. Wanting to be inside of you¡¡±
ANYA: ¡°I¡¯m so turned on right now. I¡¯m going to make myself¡¡±
With that last text, I couldn¡¯t contain myself as I was so turned on. Three minutes later, after I had my way with her in my head, I picked up my phone to see where she was in hers.
ME: ¡°You still there, babe? Did I do ok?¡±
ANYA: ¡°I loved it. I didn¡¯t want u to stop. My nipples r so hard just thinking about it.¡±
ME: ¡°I wouldn¡¯t have stopped if I had known.¡±
ANYA: ¡°Really? Why did you let me stop?¡±
ME: ¡°I thought you were finishing up! I didn¡¯t want to throw you off!¡±
ANYA: ¡°I owe u one!¡±
ME: ¡°No way babe, I¡¯ve had many moments with you like this you don¡¯t know about. I owe you more than one. I just want you to feel good when you¡¯re with me or not.¡±
ANYA: ¡°Awww. I love you.¡±
ME: ¡°I love you too.¡±
ANYA: ¡°I should get ready to go. Have a good day. Thank you for not hating me. I love you forever.¡±
ME: ¡°I don¡¯t think I could hate you if I tried! Have a good day babe. I love you forever.¡±
With that last text, I decided to get out of bed myself. Although making love through texts was a first for me, I preferred the real thing, and if we continued to do this, not only would it make me miss her more than I already did, she would feel no incentive to figure things out because she would still pretty much have the best of both worlds on her terms.
That afternoon I found myself at the Mercedes-Benz dealership looking at new car models. Little did I expect to come home with a new leased car. I always leased cars because I drove so much due to the nature of my profession so it didn¡¯t make sense for me to buy a car that lost its value the minute I drive it off the lot. I had an option to buy at the end of the lease so it didn¡¯t matter much. I even upgraded from my last model although I still stayed in the C-Class range. When June came around, I figured I¡¯d probably be able to get something nicer if I wanted to. Having a nice car, at least one with an image of being such to others, meant very little to me, but I also worked really hard everyday and it was nice to see the fruits of my hard work. I didn¡¯t have a car all throughout high school and my first car was a Toyota Tercel, and having what people considered a ¡°nice¡± car was no big deal, but to those people who looked at my cars in the past and judged me for them, I took some satisfaction in knowing they were wrong about me.
The color of my car was a dark blue/grey and looked very unique as I never saw a color like this car on the road. My only wish was for Anya to be the first and only girl ever in it as I couldn¡¯t wait for her to see it. I didn¡¯t think Anya cared about cars, after all she drove two nice cars herself, but I wanted her to see my spontaneous nature as I didn¡¯t want her to think I was a boring penny pinching accountant who never did anything.
4:26 p.m.
¡°Hope ur ok. I¡¯m barely managing.¡±
ME: ¡°I know how you feel. I just got back home and came back in a new car.¡±
ANYA: ¡°Now that¡¯s what I call retail therapy! Good for u! What did u get? I can ask right?
ME: ¡°Why couldn¡¯t you ask me? Another Mercedes. C-350.¡±
ANYA: ¡°Cool! What color?¡±
ME: ¡°It¡¯s a bluish gray. Really unique! Although I would love for you to be the only girl to ever sit in my new car, I would love it if you were the first. I¡¯d love for you to see it.¡±
ANYA: ¡°Awww babe. Why didn¡¯t you text me? I would love to see it.¡±
ME: ¡°I didn¡¯t want to distract you at the baby shower, babe. After all it¡¯s just a car.¡±
After I sent he this text, I didn¡¯t hear back from her until forty minutes later.
5:42 p.m.
¡°Sorry I¡¯m now at my friend¡¯s Samantha¡¯s 40th birthday party. I¡¯ll text you in a bit.¡±
I tried to not let it bother me, but couldn¡¯t understand how she could go to so many parties, events and to the bar with friends and why she viewed me as the distraction and needed distance from me. I tried to not let it bother me, but everything she did without her kids, it was hard not to wonder why I felt punished. When I walked away from her, I explained I didn¡¯t want to be a void in her marriage. It¡¯s why I walked away from her, but sometimes I feel she forgot what I warned her about. ¡°Textsex¡± was great with her. She was the only one I wanted to experience that with but I wanted more, and I hope she understood as fun as it was this morning, it wasn¡¯t enough. With all the parties and events, she had in her life, how could she possibly miss me as much as I missed her? Was her missing of me truly honesty or just a disguise? Against my past luck, I had to have faith it was genuine.
7:16 p.m.
¡°I don¡¯t expect you to but we¡¯re at the AMC in Naples by the Barnes & Noble. Carolyn and I are going to see a movie. You¡¯re welcome to come watch if you want but it¡¯s starting in 5 minutes. Do you need to go to the book store?¡±
I considered responding to her text after jumping in my car as I didn¡¯t want to lose precious time, but she texted me again before I could.
7:25 p.m.
¡°I¡¯m sorry I don¡¯t know what I was thinking. Sorry to bug u.¡±
I almost called her but realized she may have already been in the theater so I texted to let her know I ¡°needed to go to the bookstore¡±, but I would wait for her until the movie ended since it was on such short notice. I told her to text me when the movie ended and she said she would, and she did.
9:09 p.m.
¡°Can¡¯t leave just yet. Almost over.¡±
ME: ¡°Ok babe. I¡¯ll look for you and let you know where my car is.¡±
The movie seemed to end pretty quickly after Anya sent me this text. I parked really close to where everyone exited the theater and when I saw her I honked my horn as she looked up excitedly as she walked with Carolyn. Carolyn waved at me quickly as Anya left her side to be by mine, in my new car.
¡°Wow! I love it babe! Love the color!¡± she said. ¡°I love the way new cars smell.¡±
¡°Isn¡¯t the color really cool! Glad you loved it because if you didn¡¯t I¡¯d return it!¡± I said.
¡°How was the movie?¡±
¡°It was okay. Long.¡± she said.
¡°How are you?¡±
¡°I¡¯m managing.¡± she said. ¡°I¡¯d give you a hug and kiss you, but it¡¯s too close to home.¡±
¡°I understand.¡± I said reluctantly as that never stopped her before. Sonomas was close to home too.
¡°Are you okay?¡± she asked.
All I could do was look at her, fall even more in love, and began to realize how empty I felt without her. How life was devoid of meaning and it destroyed me inside. I thought she would be too excited to see me, like she always was, even just recently when she left her daughter at Abercrombie, when she ran outside Sonomas because I was there and now in the safety of my car, not even out in the open she didn¡¯t want to hug or kiss me? I felt like her love began to erode, or whatever she felt for me before. This was heartbreak times a million, to be so in love with the person in front of you, to go to bat for them in every way no other men were willing to do, and the end result was ¡°I don¡¯t know.¡± I didn¡¯t know any other way to interpret her ¡°I don¡¯t know¡± and ¡°I need to figure it out¡± but to see it as ¡°I don¡¯t know if I love you¡± and ¡°I need to figure it out if I love you.¡±. As she sat in my new car, surrounded by everything new, even her feelings for me, I began to crack.
¡°I don¡¯t know Anya.¡± I said.
¡°You don¡¯t know?¡± she said. ¡°Talk to me.¡±
¡°I don¡¯t know about this life anymore.¡± I revealed. ¡°I just don¡¯t know. Sometimes I look at the bridge and think maybe one day.¡±
¡°What do you mean you don¡¯t know about this life anymore? Are you talking about the bridge by your house?¡± she asked. ¡°You¡¯re only thirty-seven. You have a lot to experience.¡±
¡°If you¡¯re referring to that marine green monstrosity I used to drive over every day. Yes.¡± I said. ¡°I don¡¯t think this world is suited for me. I¡¯m jaded by it.¡±
¡°Why?¡±
¡°Just everything.¡±
¡°You want to kill yourself?¡±
¡°I¡¯m just so done with this world.¡± I said. ¡°I don¡¯t think I belong here, and it¡¯s not you. It¡¯s just everything.¡±
¡°Hun, I have to go now.¡± she said with franticness in her tone. ¡°The kids are waiting for me.¡±
¡°I understand.¡± I said. ¡°It was nice to see you.¡±
¡°Good to see you too. I love your car.¡±
¡°Thank you. I wanted you to be the first person in it other than myself so thank you.¡±
¡°Goodnight babe.¡±
¡°Goodnight.¡± I said as I watched her exit then close my door.
I just couldn¡¯t believe she treated me so differently as if she had no feelings for me, or at least tried to shut them off. I felt like the flesh eating bacteria to her. After all I had done. All I sacrificed. Even came out here to see her at a moment¡¯s notice, and she wouldn¡¯t even hug me. I felt bad about telling her I was done with this world. I didn¡¯t want her to think it was because of her I thought that way, as it felt like I just pulled the same blackmail stunt Jackson did with her. I wanted her to feel secure in her decision, and not make her feel bad for it. She didn¡¯t need to know the details of my negative emotions. The fact she left my car so quickly after I told her about them told me she could probably care less if I did kill myself, it would make figuring out things a little easier for her. Although I felt the way I did, it wasn¡¯t right to share it with her. She wouldn¡¯t be the reason I¡¯d kill myself. I wouldn¡¯t want blood on her hands or for her to feel guilty. If anyone killed themselves because a person left them, it would be on them and not the person that left them. If anything, it would justify their decision to leave.
Five minutes into my drive home, Anya text me to call her, and I did.
¡°You wouldn¡¯t kill yourself, would you babe?¡± she asked me.
¡°Don¡¯t take this the wrong way babe. I think the world of you. You¡¯re my everything.¡± I said. ¡°but I would never kill myself over losing you or any girl. You¡¯re special but not that special.¡±
Anya then started to break out in laughter and thanked me for telling her because she was worried, and although she was special to die over, it would be a form of mental abuse if I were to do that to her as I felt bad even mentioning it.
¡°Rest assured babe if I ever took my life, you wouldn¡¯t be to blame.¡± I said. ¡°The problem would lie with me, not you. That¡¯s not normal.¡±
¡°Thanks babe. I feel better now. You had me worried.¡± she said. ¡°Carolyn seems to think I¡¯m clinically depressed.¡±
¡°I think we both are.¡± I said. ¡°How could we not be?¡±
¡°I used to be happy all the time but now I¡¯m not.¡± she said.
¡°We both had a lot to be happy about.¡± I said.
¡°I know.¡± she responded.
I made the assumption that she wasn¡¯t happy before she met me but what if she was never truly unhappy? She told me one time just like Meryl Streep¡¯s character in ¡°The Bridges of Madison County¡± that she too didn¡¯t know she was unhappy until she met me. I didn¡¯t know what to believe but the probability she misled me and misrepresented her situation in order to encourage me to pursue a relationship so she could feel again began to increase, and even though it did, I wanted to remain oblivious to it because I loved her.
I had to put things in proper perspective as my heart broke more each second without her. This was not a typical relationship as there were kids involved and not just us. It blurred the black and white picture considerably and had to be viewed in shades of gray. What was the truth and was I ready to hear it? Did she truly love me or was she only truly in love with the idea of being in love again? When I got off the phone with Anya and led her to believe I would never kill myself or if I did, it wouldn¡¯t be because of her, I decided to spend my time on the computer googling things related to her and for some reason, I decided to look up Lance, the romantic singer she dated before me. I didn¡¯t know his last name so I just entered his first name, occupation and probable location and there he was; his own website. I noticed he lived near UCLA, which also happened to be near the site of Anya¡¯s run the next morning; Westwood. His credentials were impressive, and as I looked at his pictures he seemed to be a warm kind person; definitely a man I would pick for her over Jackson and even myself if that was where her heart truly was. I was a CPA, destined to be a partner of a large local accounting firm but Lance seemed to be something not too many people could give to Anya, knowing her love for music. I remembered the inflection in the tone of her voice when she told me he song her happy birthday. How she allowed that to happen even in front of Jackson and his suspicions. Lance knew her friends. They knew him as I¡¯m sure they approved of him as well, but who was I? An outsider. A nobody to them, just a regular person. As I further perused his website, I also listened to a few of the songs he recorded. He had a virtuoso voice, one that appeared to by the pictures, brought women flocking to him as I reminded myself Anya was drawn to popular men as I guess it made her feel more special he would choose her over the rest. I then came across a piece he wrote that he dedicated to a special woman that further described their relationship as ¡°a sad and tragic ending to a beautiful relationship¡±. I could feel my hand tremble as I held the mouse as I read it a few more times. No doubt the woman he wrote of was the one I loved so dearly. If Lance thought his three-month fling with Anya had a tragic ending, how would he feel about it if it lasted nearly a year? By the sound of his words, it seemed he never left her because of her ¡°baggage¡±. What Anya had led me to believe he did, and I felt sick inside, horrifically sick. I got up from my chair and paced my apartment as my heart began to beat rapidly and beads of sweat permeated from my forehead. I just couldn¡¯t believe she would do this to me let alone, Lance. I then began to think about her ¡°stalker¡± she told me at ¡°our beach¡± and how she left a man she was engaged with for Jackson when he came back into her life. Was she truly like this? Did she really have no care in the world for the emotions and feelings of others? That she could hand out tragic ending to relationships like candy? If Lance felt their relationship¡¯s ending was tragic, how do you think I felt? Does she use men? Get them to believe she loved them then pulled the rug out from under them and if they said anything they were abnormal crazy stalkers? Was this harder for her to do because I was a ¡°nice man¡±? She told me I was a reason for her being distracted around her kids yet she texted me over thirty times today, she pretty much invited me to come see her at the movies with Carolyn, and even called me. What was I in store for the rest of the week? Was this allowing and encouraging people to fall in love with her something she did to keep her marriage alive for the sake of the kids? Wasn¡¯t that more of a reason not to be married? Look at the hearts she left broken in the wake of her union to Jackson. What¡¯s left to figure out?
It hit me she was done with us, like she was done with Lance. Like she was done with her fianc¨¦. Like she was done with the stalker who she probably spurned so bad he had to move to another state. Why did she choose me? There were plenty of bald tattooed men who¡¯d be just fine with a roll in the hay and her sudden exit, but me? After all we shared? After all the things she said? All I could so was thank God it was a Saturday night and I didn¡¯t have to go to work in the morning.
Against my own advice, and since she texted me over thirty times the prior day, I texted her to see how her race went.
8:44 a.m.
¡°Thank you. We¡¯re done now and looking for a place to eat. I love u. Knee is just ok. How r u?¡±
ME: ¡°I¡¯m ok, babe. Happy to hear your race went well. Enjoy your breakfast. Love u too. How r u?¡±
Even though my discovery unsettled me, I felt it wrong to mention it to her and thought I would save it for another time, if I ever needed to bring it up. I didn¡¯t want to bug her like I did after her last race about not texting me so I decided to just disappear from her for the rest of the day and let her dictate if she wanted to hear from me or not. She texted me again about 3 hours later in response.
11:29 a.m.
¡°I¡¯m ok. I know babe. I miss you so much. I ran most of it. It was ok. Just leaving Westwood. I realized I stunk like garlic last night! Sorry about that. It was the appetizers at the birthday party. Garlic stays w/me a long time u know.¡±
ME: ¡°As always u looked and smelled beautiful to me. I don¡¯t think I could ever notice that stuff b/c I¡¯m always lost in your beauty.¡±
I didn¡¯t want her to think my feelings had changed for her and I didn¡¯t want to hold them hostage for a decision she felt she needed to make. It¡¯s how I felt anyway.
ANYA: ¡°Thank u. What are you having for lunch? Soup, babe?¡±
ME: ¡°I will probably have something heavy for lunch and save the lighter meal for later.¡±
ANYA: ¡°Have a good meal. Just know that you¡¯re always on my mind. I love you.¡±
ME: ¡°I hope you know I would never kill myself babe. I think it¡¯s a completely selfish act for one. Two, if I ever did, there would be no chance to be with you, three, I¡¯d basically murder my family and lastly, it¡¯s not an act of loving someone but rather hating someone and I love you way too much to even consider it. Would I die to protect you? Without a moment¡¯s hesitation. I love you that much.¡±
ANYA: ¡°I agree it¡¯s a totally selfish act. I know u won¡¯t do such a thing.¡±
I just wanted to drive that point further home with her in case she had any lingering doubts as I felt that answer gave her a little more security.
When I thought I wouldn¡¯t hear back from her, she sent me another text out of the blue.
12:43 p.m.
¡°You looked great last night! Thank u again for driving up. You¡¯re the most selfless person I know. Have a good day. I love you.¡±
And then again later that evening.
8:12 p.m.
¡°Hope you had a nice day. Can¡¯t seem to get you off my mind. Sorry being selfish again.¡±
ME: ¡°It was a hard one babe. I don¡¯t think you¡¯re being selfish. We love each other and we¡¯re best friends. We¡¯ve shared a lot. I¡¯d rather hear from you than not hear from u. Ur an important part of my life. We¡¯re doing the right thing by not seeing each other even though it kills. I love having u in my life and I don¡¯t want to lose u in anyway. Any little thing though just really touches me. I c couples holding hands, kissing, embracing, songs that play, just everything. I was emptying out my trunk to transfer my belongings to my new car and the beach towels were back there that we used last time we were at ¡°our beach¡±, Just things.¡±
After I sent off this text to her, I never heard back.
Until the next morning.
9:19 a.m.
¡°Good morning. Ur beach towel text got to me last night. It¡¯s been hard. Hope you¡¯re ok. I miss you.¡±
ME: ¡°Hi babe. Sorry about the text. So natural to tell you that stuff. I shouldn¡¯t have done it. I just wanted you to know you¡¯re always with me. My head is a mess right now.¡±
ANYA: ¡°Really? Is your head a mess b/c of us or b/c you¡¯re sick?¡±
ME: ¡°b/c of us.¡±
ANYA: ¡°Do you want to talk?¡±
ME: ¡°Idk if there¡¯s anything to talk about. You¡¯re doing the right thing. I¡¯m just doing what I can to cope with it.¡±
ANYA: ¡°Ok.¡±
Ten minutes after she sent me this text, she messaged me again.
10:34 a.m.
¡°I¡¯m here if you need me.¡±
ME: ¡°I¡¯m here for you too, babe. This is equally hard on both of us.¡±
ANYA: ¡°Very hard. Can¡¯t sleep.¡±
ME: ¡°I hope you¡¯re not worrying about me. If you¡¯re losing sleep over that please don¡¯t.¡±
ANYA: ¡°I worry about you plus I miss you.¡±
ME: ¡°I don¡¯t want you to lose sleep but I¡¯d rather you lose sleep b/c you miss me babe. Don¡¯t worry baby.¡±
ANYA: ¡°I miss you so much.¡±
Ten minutes after she sent me this last text. She sent me another.
11:01 a.m.
¡°I¡¯m sorry I¡¯m putting you through this.¡±
ME: ¡°You¡¯re doing the right thing. If there¡¯s any chance for us unfortunately this had to happen. I love you.¡±
ANYA: ¡°I love you my love.¡±
ME: ¡°I think you know how hard this is for me b/c it¡¯s hard on you too.¡±
ANYA: ¡°Thank you. I know it is. My stomach is in a knot. Mind is foggy. Can¡¯t seem to catch my breath. Teary eyed. I guess I¡¯m a mess too. You take care and have a good day. I love you forever.¡±
ME: ¡°I love you forever and I¡¯m here for you. Have a good day Beautiful.¡±
ANYA: ¡°Oh one more thing¡¡±
ME: ¡°What is it babe?¡±
ANYA: ¡°Does this Friday count as cancelling?¡±
ME: ¡°Technically yes, but I think I can let you slide. I love you forever.¡±
ANYA: ¡°Thank you baby.¡±
ME: ¡°Just know I¡¯m here, sweetheart. I¡¯m feeling the same things. I haven¡¯t been eating and when I do I can only take a few bites. I tear up suddenly when the littlest thought of you comes to mind. I won¡¯t go into details because I don¡¯t want it to affect you at home. I¡¯m not sleeping too, like you. We¡¯re in this together. Text me anytime you want. I love you with all my heart.¡±
An hour later, after she told me she couldn¡¯t seem to catch her breath and her stomach was in a knot, I couldn¡¯t help but text her to see if she was okay as I disguised my concern to let her know I just learned I had a high credit score, a nearly perfect one.
12:16 p.m.
¡°Thank you for your sweet text. That¡¯s great about your credit score! I could have guess that though, you¡¯re so responsible. I miss you too. Thanks for letting me sit in your car!¡±
ME: ¡°Thank you for extending me the honor of sitting in it!¡±
ANYA: ¡°I hope I¡¯ll get to sit in it again. I love you.¡±
ME: ¡°I want that more than anything, Beautiful. To see you in my car again.¡±
Four hours later, she texted me again, as the truth of her truest feelings shone through brightly simply she never texted me all day on a Monday.
4:32 p.m.
¡°Is your soup more chunky or smooth? Is it more light orange in color or more dark tomato?¡±
ME: ¡°Smooth and light orange in color, babe.¡±
ANYA: ¡°Thank you, baby.¡±
ME: ¡°I just love you to death.¡±
ANYA: ¡°I just love you to death too.¡±
Her soup question brought tears to my eyes as if she made onion soup right in front of me. Her texts put on complete display the woman I fell in love with and why it was so easy to fall for her, and so hard to stomach her loss. These kinds of thoughts she showed me out of the blue separated her from all other woman and what made her truly beautiful. It was not how wonderful she smelled or how pretty she always looked, but how she made me feel inside about myself. I just could never feel good about who I was without her in my life as her love validated me as worthy of being here.
ME: ¡°Are you making soup tonight for dinner?¡±
ANYA: ¡°Yes baby. In your honor. Only Katie and I will be home to have it tonight.¡±
ME: ¡°I¡¯m honored babe.¡±
I then began to dream I was there to eat dinner with them having fun as we ate the best tasting soup with the greatest of company as I wished I was lucky enough to call them ¡°my girls¡±.
6:05 p.m.
¡°R u still taking Friday off?¡±
ME: ¡°Yes.¡±
ANYA: ¡°Don¡¯t worry. I wasn¡¯t asking for u to see me. Just asking.¡±
ME: ¡°Now that is something I would never worry about. You know I would love to see you.¡±
ANYA: ¡°I know. It¡¯s so hard.¡±
ME: ¡°Tell me about it. Plus, you owe me one!¡±
ANYA: ¡°Ha! That¡¯s true!¡±
I was just teasing her when I mentioned that, but a half hour later, she revealed the truth as to why she asked me.
7:24 p.m.
¡°Actually, I was thinking to make a fresh batch either Thurs night or Friday morn to give you on Friday. That¡¯s why I asked if you were taking it off. I was too afraid to ask if I could meet you to give it to you.¡±
ME: ¡°That¡¯s something you should never be afraid to ask me babe. Please always remember that. I would meet you anywhere too, babe. I just want to respect what you want for us right now. I have to respect that as much as I want to kiss you and hold you or you will resent me for it.¡±
ANYA: ¡°Thank you I appreciate that. U don¡¯t know how much I want to be in your arms and kiss you. I long for it. Ok let¡¯s plan on it for Friday. Don¡¯t know what time yet. I have to pick up Katie right now. I better go babe. Goodnight babe. I miss you. I love you forever.¡±
There were many great days I experienced with Anya, but this at least for me was one of the best days I ever had with her simply because the day spoke volumes of truth as her love for me shone through like never before. It brought to light the words she told me when she said divorces happened all the time and that nothing was impossible. It was a day I felt like a need and not a luxury as it made me regret every negative thought I ever carried and ever had. Her love on this day was indisputable and undeniable as I found it ironic her greatest love showed for me and I felt more secure when she tried to break up with me. I represented her truth. Not the source of her self-destruction but the path into her self-awareness. I made her aware of her true feelings and her need for love, the years of abuse she endured from a husband who loved no one more than he loved himself.
I was grateful she struggled but also saddened that she did because I only wanted her to hurt long enough for me to know she loved me, and I¡¯d take her pain as well as my own If I could as I went to bed knowing well, no matter what happened between us, Anya truly did love me in the same form I loved her. All she wanted was to be happy again, and how dare did anyone deny her that, something a wife let alone a human being should always have.
And there was no truer proof needed of the love she had for me, when she texted me the following morning.
8:33 a.m.
¡°He confronted me last night. He knows your full name. He said he¡¯s known for a year. He¡¯s angry. I told him we¡¯re just friends.¡±
Best friends.
Soulmates.
CHAPTER 18 ~ AS RAIN FALLS
¡°I need your love, babe.
Don¡¯t tear me away.
I¡¯ll miss you so much more
than words can say.¡±
~ ¡°Believe in Love¡± The Scorpions
After I read her text, all I could do was stare at my phone in disbelief. Did Jackson Caiaphas know it was truly me? If he knew my full name how come I hadn¡¯t heard from it at work? How was it possible he knew who I was? He said he¡¯s known for almost a year but not one time did he mention it to me, to Clyde, to our firm? Was this another game he played with Anya? Another form of his mental abuse? If he knew my full name though, how could this be a game? He had to know me.
I began to worry if Clyde knew too. If this had somehow reached his consciousness. Jackson seemed like someone who went for the jugular and bent on destroying people, the way he had destroyed his own wife. If this was true, I was glad he knew, and even more so, pleased Anya couldn¡¯t hide her feelings for me from him that made him confront her once again, and this time around, he took it more seriously, like I was a real threat. No longer Landman, but Lastman. I knew the angle he would play. He would blame Anya and I for threatening the security and stability of his kids. That the next step was for him to reveal this and to lay the guilt on heavily, just like the soup recipe Anya designed for me, he had a recipe for a soup of his own. What gave her away though for him to confront her? The fact she cancelled on his mother for lunch? Did she give him a hard time about helping with the corporate office move? Did he see her sadness and desperation Anya tried to communicate to me? I loved her for it. I loved her for not being strong and genuine enough to hide it from him because it made her love for me nothing but real.
He would brand, her and I, with the family¡¯s instability. That we didn¡¯t care about Katie and Andrew. That we wanted them to suffer and we were selfish for being happy but I felt differently. This was about giving them the tools in life to have a shot at happiness in their marriages one day. To know what their mom and dad had was not normal. It wasn¡¯t normal for a parent to leave a dinner table in tears because of the mental abuse over the years that parent endured over the course of fifteen years at the hands of the person they should trust the most; their spouse. He would spin it around her carelessness about the instability of their children, while the truth was bringing stability to their mother so she could bring ¡°true stability¡± to them through her happiness; something I felt they would take with them to choose better partners and marriages to last forever; to prove they were realistic when they chose the right person to be with. When they chose the person who made them fall in love with themselves. To know that money does not lead to happiness. That mutual love and respect are non-negotiable in a marriage. That mental and emotional abuse is worse than physical abuse because at least a bruise goes away eventually. I represented Anya¡¯s truth, her self-awareness and now Jackson knew that as well and I was relieved as I felt now since he knows the truth, I could freely love her.
With every confrontation she had with Jackson, I felt great hope as I believed she would do the right thing and leave him, or at least promise to make plans to. She couldn¡¯t live like this, with a man looking over her shoulder every minute; trust forever destroyed. As I waited for Anya to share the details of his ¡°confrontation¡± the following morning, she put our conversation on hold after I reached out to her.
8:55 a.m.
¡°I have a doctor¡¯s appt at 9:30. Can I text u when I¡¯m done and we can set up a time then?¡±
ME: ¡°Sure babe. Let me know.¡±
I couldn¡¯t help but hope she had enough of him. That she would be by my side as I tussled with revealing I knew who her husband was. The only reason I feared to tell her was because I thought it might give her another excuse to leave me, afraid it would hurt my career. That would only upset me and lead me to argue with her simply because I felt she should have told me who he was when we first met. To save me from her indecision that I¡¯m certain lent to it in a huge way as well. Her image, her job, jobs of co-workers, and friends she¡¯s made through the business of their marriage, all had a role into her staying with the one who abused her. Would the kids be subjected to a lesser life style if she were to leave Jackson? Would their own image to their friends be tarnished? Would the charitable organizations she worked for in the name of her business suffer? There was a lot I felt she needed to communicated to me so I understood completely. If she was willing to leave me in the dark about who her husband was, why not leave her in the dark about me knowing him as well as I did?
10:04 a.m.
¡°Hi I¡¯m done.¡±
The love I felt from her all day yesterday seemed to vanish completely by the tone of her text as it seemed she didn¡¯t want to discuss it, and against my better judgment, we began to have a conversation about his confrontation over the phone.
¡°How are you?¡± I asked.
¡°I¡¯m depressed.¡± she said. ¡°How are you?¡±
¡°I¡¯m okay.¡± I said.
¡°He confronted me last night. He knows who you are.¡±
¡°I know.¡± I said dumbfounded she repeated what she text to me last night.
¡°How do you think he found out? He¡¯s known for over a year?¡±
¡°I have no idea.¡± she said. ¡°I told him I met you through a group of friends at a concert.¡±
¡°Why did he choose to confront you now?¡±
¡°I don¡¯t know.¡± she said. ¡°I don¡¯t know about anything anymore, Landyn.¡±
¡°Okay.¡± I said as exasperation, frustration and anxiety consumed me. ¡°He won¡¯t ask for a divorce?¡±
¡°No.¡± she said. ¡°He¡¯ll take me as is. He won¡¯t give up. He made me feel bad about what I was doing to the kids.¡±
¡°He will still ¡°take you¡±? Even if he knew you¡¯ve been with another man for a year?¡±
¡°Yes.¡± she said.
¡°Why would he make you feel bad? What are you doing to the kids? Opting to be honest with them instead of lying? How is that a bad thing? What does he think you¡¯re doing to the kids when someone genuinely cares about and loves you? That you want to be a better mother for them? Why can¡¯t you tell him you need a separation? It¡¯s the right thing to do don¡¯t you think?¡±
¡°I don¡¯t want to get into it, Landyn.¡± she said. ¡°Not right now. Please.¡±
¡°You¡¯re just going to allow him to manipulate you to feel bad then? Is that the answer?¡± I countered. ¡°You¡¯re in love with another man. He led you here with his abuse of you. Why are you going to tolerate another day of it if he knows the truth? He doesn¡¯t care or love you. He wants to sell you out, Anya. If he loved you or cared, he¡¯d let you go to do what made you the happiest. What would make you a better parent. A better person. He loves himself more than anyone, and he doesn¡¯t care who he wrecks in the process. You¡¯re not doing anything bad to your children. The only wrong now is you¡¯re not being honest. That¡¯s the truth. Do you think he will call me now? What should I tell him?¡±
¡°Okay, babe. I have to go. I¡¯m sorry. I don¡¯t want to talk about this. I don¡¯t want to feel this pressure today. I got too much going on.¡±
¡°Okay. I¡¯m really disappointed but I¡¯ll let you go. Have a good day.¡±
¡°You too.¡±
When I got off the phone I didn¡¯t know what to feel as the excitement and hope her text gave me last night disappeared like a fifty-dollar bill in a magician¡¯s hat. I knew the consequences of dating Anya. I knew Jackson could find out. In fact, I wanted him to find out before I knew she would feel this way about it. One day she couldn¡¯t live without me and the next day she couldn¡¯t care less about wanting to wear my ring.
11:26 a.m.
¡°I need some time.¡±
After I cooled down, I started to feel bad for pressuring her. I just had so much hope this would be enough to get her to at least promise me, but all it did was bring her further away it seemed. I was completely disheartened and sick to my stomach.
ME: ¡°I¡¯m sorry. No more pressure from me. It¡¯s hard sometimes to understand b/c of my feelings. Again, I¡¯m very sorry. U did the right thing. Sorry for telling u I was disappointed. I was wrong. The truth is if u were to leave it cannot be for me but for you. That¡¯s the bottom line. I¡¯m sorry for thinking of me and my feelings above yours. It was not right. Once again, I¡¯m sorry about this morning. U handled everything the right way. I need to learn to just shut the F up and listen. I¡¯m sorry I didn¡¯t do that 4 u this morn. Ur doing the right thing babe. I understand. Sometimes my heart just gets in the way. I¡¯ve been a more than willing participant b/c I love you so much and I fight for u to be happy. I think it¡¯s the most important thing to have in this life. Anyway, I just wanted u to know that.¡±
ANYA: ¡°I don¡¯t think he¡¯s going to call you. He¡¯s too afraid to rock the boat w/me. We just met in the crowd w/some friends that¡¯s all.¡±
ME: ¡°Sure babe. I just hope you¡¯re ok.¡±
ANYA: ¡°I¡¯m ok. I hope you are too. I have to be ok for my kids right now. I would still like to make soup for you. I will see you on Friday, not cancelling. Want to keep a clean record.¡±
ME: ¡°Babe, if it¡¯s too much trouble I don¡¯t want you to come. The ¡°clean record¡± doesn¡¯t matter.¡±
ANYA: ¡°The comment about ¡°clean record¡± was a joke. Let me know if u still want me to come by on Friday.¡±
ME: ¡°Of course, I do.¡±
ANYA: ¡°Ok then it¡¯s on!¡±
ME: ¡°Please try to understand, whenever you get down on me, it¡¯s coming from a place that loves you very much. I love you very much. I¡¯d do anything for you and all I want is to be with you. Please don¡¯t take it the wrong way. It¡¯s done out of love. If I didn¡¯t love you I wouldn¡¯t care about anything that happened last night.¡±
ANYA: ¡°I understand. Your feelings are equally important. I love you.¡±
ME: ¡°I love you beyond anything I could text to you. What r u doing tonight?¡±
ANYA: ¡°Dinner, dance, soccer, walk Suki¡¡±
ME: ¡°Have a nice evening babe.¡±
I guess I expected her to be so upset with him she would have had no choice but to end the marriage, but it didn¡¯t pan out the way I hoped. The question how he found out my full name boggled my mind. Did Mitch tell him? Did Carolyn and Debbie tell him because they worried about Anya and her kids? I just didn¡¯t understand how else he could get that information unless he hired a private investigator. Before the night mercifully came to an end, the schism between yesterday and what I now felt was wider than just twenty-four hours ever could be, I texted her to ask her if he told her.
6:31 p.m.
¡°I don¡¯t know babe.¡±
ME: ¡°Do you think maybe Mitch did? He¡¯s the only one I can think of but he¡¯s never seen a picture of your husband nor even knows of him.¡±
ANYA: ¡°I don¡¯t think so babe. Don¡¯t worry about it. It doesn¡¯t matter.¡±
When she told me ¡°it doesn¡¯t matter¡±, I shut down on her, one of the rare times I ever did. It obviously mattered to me who sold me out to him, especially if it was Mitch. Then again, maybe it didn¡¯t matter in the grander scheme of things.
8:45 p.m.
¡°U there?¡±
ME: ¡°I¡¯m here, babe. Sorry for shutting down on you. How r u?¡±
ANYA: ¡°I¡¯m not doing so well. I¡¯m really depressed. I canceled work for tomorrow. I¡¯m going to need a couple of days to snap out of this darkness.¡±
ME: ¡°I¡¯m sorry, babe. I¡¯m here for you. We¡¯re both in this together.¡±
ANYA: ¡°I better say goodnight. I¡¯m sorry you¡¯re in this mess.¡±
ME: ¡°Don¡¯t apologize. I want to be here. I love you.¡±
ANYA: ¡°I love you.¡±
I saw the emotional toll he took on Anya, as I wanted to confront Jackson myself. Why wouldn¡¯t he just let her go? Allow her to achieve the happiness he stole from her over the years? Why couldn¡¯t he recognize his role? He did to Anya what only bullies did. Take your lunch money. Make you feel inferior. Then return the next day to do it again. There was no room for remorse in this man¡¯s heart, only more obstruction to reach his goals. The goal to destroy anyone who stood in his way, even those he claimed to love.
I began to think how abnormal I seemed to be, but why would I choose to stay with someone whom had a relationship with another man in my marriage? Or in any relationship? This was why I disliked politics. It inspired the disingenuous. Relationships were to be separated from politics and from business. Was a marriage technically just a business partnership and not a relationship these days? Was I just an ideal thinker removed from reality? My greatest fear though wasn¡¯t Jackson confronting me, not even close. My greatest fear, after all we shared, was Anya having the ability to make him believe we were just friends. I hated that phrase ¡°just friends¡± because now whenever I heard it come from a woman, I knew I could never trust those words again.
The other great mystery to me existed in if Jackson had known for a year, how come he never said anything until now? If he could tell Anya loved me, then why carry on? If he truly loved her wouldn¡¯t he have stepped in once he learned? Or was it just me who cared about such things? I could understand Anya¡¯s depression, but wouldn¡¯t this bring us closer to being together since we¡¯re closer to the truth, to honesty? How could Jackson learning the truth be the end of us if she had any real intentions to be with me. or as she put it, ¡°real thoughts¡± of telling her husband? I believed Jackson¡¯s confrontation was one step closer to the truth, and not the end.
I texted her that morning to see how she was holding up.
8:02 a.m.
¡°Good morning. I¡¯m ok. How are you?¡±
ME: ¡°I didn¡¯t sleep much last night but I¡¯m ok. How did you sleep?¡±
ANYA: ¡°I slept ok. I¡¯m sorry this is affecting you so much. Please don¡¯t let it affect your work. You have to be strong for me. Where are you this week?¡±
ME: ¡°I actually have to head out to Hesperia. Not a problem though. I get to drive my new car.¡±
ANYA: ¡°In your new car! Sorry I¡¯m giving you such a heartache.¡±
ME: ¡°I hope you don¡¯t think I¡¯m upset with or mad at you, babe. I admit I was wrong yesterday. Sure, I wish you were with me still but you¡¯re doing the right thing right now. I love you too much to fault you for that. It¡¯s just so hard to let go in anyway. I miss you so much. I¡¯m not trapped in a marriage so even though I¡¯m in hell right now, I can¡¯t imagine what it must be like for you. I really wished your husband loved you more than he loved himself. Could have saved you a lot of heartache. He¡¯s taken your happiness away and he continues to do so every day. It¡¯s sad. You¡¯re having a hard time too, babe. We¡¯re both going through this together. It¡¯s no picnic for you.¡±
ANYA: ¡°No picnic for sure.¡±
I followed up with her in the afternoon as I feared if I didn¡¯t, and I never heard from her, it would affect my work day.
12:03 p.m.
¡°Thank you for your concern babe. I¡¯m trying not to be too negative. It¡¯s the only way I can get out of bed in the morning right now.¡±
I didn¡¯t understand her defeatist tone as this came from a woman who allowed another man¡¯s feelings to grow for her which should have only proven her need to be and feel loved. Jackson had beaten her down mentally and emotionally for years, and with me in her life, I couldn¡¯t understand why she continued to allow it. If our relationship was just a fling, I¡¯d understand her depressed state but to know it¡¯s love, I couldn¡¯t understand why she wasn¡¯t willing to fight for that. If she felt this relationship would be wrong, then she should have let me just walk away and not have told me I broke her heart. Before I could respond to her text, she fired me another one.
12:05 p.m.
¡°I would like to have a positive visit on Friday since we don¡¯t have a big chunk of time to hash it out. I have to go into work on Friday so I can see you in the morning if that¡¯s ok with you.¡±
ME: ¡°Me too. There¡¯s nothing to hash out. Morning is perfect.¡±
I agreed to keep things ¡°light¡± on Friday when she visited we made plans to see each at ¡°10ish¡±. I had to remind myself she wanted to separate from each other until she figured things out, but I knew she was having a hard time, and whether I agreed with it or not, I cared. It¡¯s all I knew and grew to love. More than anything, it hurt to hear she would struggle to get out of bed, as I lived that way for years before she came into my life. And I didn¡¯t want to be bedridden as well. So, against my better judgment, I continued to text to check in on her.
12:10 p.m.
¡°I love you baby.¡±
ME: ¡°I love you too. Sorry if I haven¡¯t been giving you your space. Just concerned.¡±
ANYA: ¡°I understand. Thank you for that. It¡¯s not easy for me to let go either. We¡¯ve shared so much. I miss you.¡±
In a nutshell, her text captured what made it so mystifying to me. I just didn¡¯t understand how she could share so much of herself with me, and not have things figured out, and that hurt me more than anything as ¡°separating¡± only threw more gas on the flame. In my eyes, through the pupils of the truth, she separated from the wrong person.
Later that afternoon, a rarity, she texted me.
2:58 p.m.
¡°How¡¯s your work babe?¡±
ME: ¡°It¡¯s going well! So far! How are you?¡±
For the first time, I felt grateful to be out in the field and not have to go to the office as I felt unsure what awaited me, if Clyde knew about my relationship, a man he already approved to be his business partner in seven months. I convinced myself he would be too uncomfortable to bring it up, unless he lost Jackson¡¯s business and he left with a reason why. I had a few solid new business leads for Clyde, but they still fell well short of Jackson¡¯s business as it was hard to find recurring work in the public accounting field; what I needed to find. On top of managing engagements, mentoring team members, and reviewing files, I had to make a more substantial effort in obtaining new clients for the firm to cover the crater if Jackson left. I also wondered, if given the choice, that Clyde would choose Jackson¡¯s business over my employment, but even though we were a conservative accounting firm, and knowing word could get out why Jackson left our firm considering his perfect public image, I didn¡¯t see Clyde letting me go even though the scenario existed, and was very real.
ANYA: ¡°I¡¯m hanging in there. How r u?¡±
ME: ¡°Hey, that¡¯s my phrase! JK! I¡¯m¡hanging in there too! Think positive Sweetheart. We still have each other. I love you.¡±
ANYA: ¡°Thanks you. U made me smile. I love you forever.¡±
ME: ¡°Your smile gives me more life than the sun! No one can ever take all we¡¯ve shared away from us no matter how hard they may try. That¡¯s the crazy thing about all of this. I love you forever.¡±
When it rains, it floods as Anya texted me an hour later to tell me her daughter tripped over a bike rack at school and may have fractured her ankle as she found herself at her orthopedic surgeon¡¯s office. I waited a couple of hours to see if that indeed was the case.
6:08 p.m.
¡°She has a bad sprain and she can¡¯t dance for 4-6 weeks. She had 3 weeks of competition lined up starting next weekend. She¡¯s very upset.¡±
As I read her text, my concern shifted away from myself and Anya to Katie as I felt bad for her. I knew how hard Katie worked at her dance studio, and she must have enjoyed it to be there night in and night out. To trip over a bike rack was such a freak thing, I¡¯m sure it unsettled her greatly. It¡¯s one of the greatest shames in life, I felt, to see people who worked so hard to reach whatever goal it may be to be set back like this. I guess it was a good life lesson for her, to face a little adversity, but at the same time I could understand how hard it was on her, and for her parents to see her be disheartened by what happened. On the bright side for Anya, and I knew she would never feel this way because she knew how much dancing meant to Katie, but it would take a weight off her shoulders to not have to drive all around after her kids got off from school. As unfortunate as it was, there seemed to be a reason behind it; a blessing in disguise. Just like Anya and her separation from me to figure things out as I felt the Universe was cooking something up.
As the night neared its end, and at a time I usually heard from her, I wished her ¡°goodnight¡± and told her that I loved her, but I never heard back from her. I tried not to let it affect me, because I should let her initiate all the texts if I didn¡¯t want to be hurt by a lack of a response, but I also wanted to show her I cared, and that Katie was on my mind. I also had to respect a time when Anya felt she needed to be there for Katie and not distracted, but I looked at Katie¡¯s accident in a way that the Universe wanted to communicate to tell her, even when you¡¯re not distracted, things like this could happen. That even if you did get a divorce, your kids could be hurt by things other than the divorce itself. That even if you weren¡¯t there or distracted, things like this could naturally occur regardless. At least in my ¡°glass half full¡± mind, that¡¯s the way I would have viewed this if I wanted to be with someone and wanted to wear their ring.
I had a hard time sleeping as I felt a ton of anxiety over her visit on Friday. I had to allow her time to figure this out so whatever she tells me during her visit, I will just have to agree with, and just back off to not make her feel bad about the time she needs to figure things out. She has to be there for the kids especially with the holidays around the corner. Jackson undoubtedly is going to blame me for the divorce if it happens, but he has to know he caused her a great deal of pain. So much so, she sought solace through other men. I had a feeling by the end of this year, especially after he confronted her, she would come to the realization she was too unhappy to stay. Hopefully she would see she could be a better mother to her kids if she were truly happy and unshackled. It seemed to me like he held her hostage in the marriage as I¡¯m sure she stayed because of fear he put inside her head and she basically shackled herself. I respect they had children together, but their marriage was based on mistrust and not love, and after all Anya shared with me over the last eleven months, I didn¡¯t believe it was a good thing for her kids to grow up thinking their parents had a normal marriage based on what they¡¯ve observed. I felt at this point, they both were going to be screwed up either way. One thing was for sure; I couldn¡¯t pressure her. I had to let her go and hope she would find her way back to me like when she used to tell me she couldn¡¯t see me, but yet always found a way to. Now that Jackson knew about me, he was not going to tolerate her intolerance for long; he knew she was an emotional mess. To know for a year and to let her do this, without stepping in, couldn¡¯t be more wrong. I would never allow my wife to do that if I really loved her, but maybe he knew he was on thin ice with her. I respected the fact he had two kids with her, and it¡¯s good for the kids to have their father around, but take a good look at what he¡¯s done to their mother. How could this be acceptable all because he is the father of their children? I knew what he did was in the past, but unfortunately Anya had not forgotten as evidence by my existence in her life. She¡¯s scarred by it. The kids would not lose their father or their mother. They were just going to know that mommy and daddy weren¡¯t together anymore. I truly didn¡¯t see the wrong in our love. If Jackson had not hurt Anya, or at least the pain did not lead her to fall in love with another man, then things were workable for the kids. Then the kids were not under a false foundation, but Anya was not in love with her husband, and she was in love with me because of his infidelities. If there was a God, he had to know I would never purposely hurt people and ruin their lives. I¡¯ve been a good man my entire lifetime, and I only wanted the best for people, the reason I got involved as I though the benefits outweighed the losses. Given the circumstances; given the facts. Given the things she gave me the privilege of knowing; Anya leaving her marriage was the best thing for everyone.
The next morning, Anya texted me.
8:36 a.m.
¡°Good morning babe. How r u? Sorry I got tied up last night. Thx for ur concern. Happy 11 months of love and friendship!¡±
I didn¡¯t forget the day was the thirtieth, however I didn¡¯t know if it mattered to her. I decided after she didn¡¯t respond to my ¡°goodnight¡± and ¡°I love you¡± text, something she would always do before last week. At least for the time being, I would refrain from showing my concern because it might be viewed as a distraction from her kids. Then again, maybe Jackson and her talked last night and that¡¯s why she got tied up? It was hard on the heart but at the same time I wanted to be respectful of Anya¡¯s wishes. When I saw the ¡°and friendship¡± I felt demoted but I also felt it was an accurate description of our eleven months so far, and to be honest, I was proud of the friendship as much as the love, as long as they coexisted and weren¡¯t viewed as mutually exclusive. Of course, her silence last night was bizarre and I just wanted to make sure she wasn¡¯t unsettled about anything as she went from inconsistent to consistent to unpredictable. Her ¡°thx for your concern¡± seemed cold to me.
9:42 a.m.
¡°Of course, I¡¯m not mad at you! Thank u for your concern that is very sweet. I miss you so much. I¡¯m looking forward to tomorrow! On my way to work right now. I love you.¡±
After her confrontation with Jackson, I felt something different from her; a far cry from what I expected to feel from a woman who wanted to wear my ring. I began to contemplate the ¡°friendship¡± part of our relationship and struggled with the purpose of her visit the following day. If our relationship was only headed for a friendship, after all we shared regardless of her situation, I felt disingenuous if I pretended to be okay with that. I hated the ¡°nice¡± guy persona for that reason alone as I felt once again, demoted. I began to realize even though I wanted to be noble for her, and push my wants to the side so she could figure things out, I had to face a harsh truth that things should have already been figured out. I also knew her circumstances were extremely difficult, but I also felt an obligation existed to tell me of these things when we first met as I was certain they were the same things that drove Lance away. I understood she didn¡¯t want me to do the same thing, and it was flattering she would omit these things so I would pursue a relationship with her, but truth only by omission disguised dishonesty. I think Anya would have told me the truth about anything if I asked, but what did I know to ask about? I would have accepted the ¡°friendship¡± if these things were communicated to me in the beginning but since they weren¡¯t and I was encouraged and allowed to love her immensely without fear these things would affect me, I felt for her to seek a ¡°friendship¡± couldn¡¯t have been more wrong at this point. It felt she didn¡¯t accept any responsibility for anything I felt, almost as if I should have known better, and how dare I expect more after all we shared. It didn¡¯t appear to me she thought I should expect anything other than a friendship, and that disturbed me more than anything after all I felt for her. In the same breath, I loved her so damn much, when I felt secure, it was if these feelings I had never existed, but I harbored them and they would rise when she didn¡¯t respond to a ¡°goodnight¡± and ¡°I love you¡± text and thanked me for my concern as if it annoyed her. I felt considering the circumstances of her decision to figure out things, I have been understanding, but not even deep down, I had my reservations, and I didn¡¯t know how Friday would shake out.
The very minute I would have my concerns though, Anya always seemed to be in tune with them.
1:39 p.m.
¡°I hope you¡¯re having a good day. Just leaving Irvine.¡±
ME: ¡°I am. I hope you are too. How¡¯s the new office? What r u up to?¡±
I didn¡¯t hear back from her until she arrived back home.
2:01 p.m.
¡°Sorry was driving. Just got back home and now at Whole Foods picking out fresh tomatoes and basil for soup! Day is going well, got a lot done. I miss you so much babe.¡±
Her text made my day, as she didn¡¯t even have to tell me how much she missed me after she mentioned she picked out fresh tomatoes and basil for the soup she planned to make for me.
ME: ¡°I miss you very much too! I doubt this is going taste anything like the tomato soup I¡¯m used to eating.
ANYA: ¡°It won¡¯t taste the same b/c it¡¯s a different recipe I¡¯m sure.¡±
ME: ¡°How¡¯s the new office?¡±
ANYA: ¡°It went ok. I thought I¡¯d have my own office there but all I have is a cubicle.¡±
ME: ¡°Are you serious? Did you think you would since you¡¯re not there often?¡±
ANYA: ¡°It¡¯s funny cuz when I left research nursing though part-time I had my own office. Now I¡¯m working at my own place and I have a cubicle! Oh well, you¡¯re right. I¡¯m never there.¡±
Anya owned the Company with Jackson yet she didn¡¯t have an office. I guess that was the price of double crossing Jackson Caiaphas even though he double crossed her more than once in his life. Although subtle, it showed the rift between them was deepening which gave me more hope she would get closer to figuring a way for us to be together.
Later that evening she texted me again to see how I was doing. I asked her about Katie and she told me the doctor put her in a walking boot and gave her crutches because it was too painful to walk on. My heart broke for Katie only because I knew how much she loved to dance and all she could do was mostly lie in bed depressed. Katie and Andrew both had a special place in my heart as I not only fell in love with Anya, but I fell in love with them too as I lived precariously through their trials and tribulations. Even though they weren¡¯t my kids, I felt like they were because of the way Anya shared their lives with me, as if she wanted me to know them one day, which also made our separation harder to accept. She didn¡¯t have to introduce me to Katie and Andrew to make me feel like I knew them as I felt I knew them better than their own father did.
ME: ¡°I hope Katie has a speedy recovery so she can dance again soon. I know how much that dampens her spirit. You know what though?¡±
ANYA: ¡°What?¡±
ME: ¡°I miss you.¡±
ANYA: ¡°I miss you too. I know I¡¯ve said it before but this has been the longest week ever.¡±
ME: ¡°Tell me about it! Every hour that passes feels like a whole day. Friday can¡¯t get here soon enough.¡±
ANYA: ¡°Guess what I¡¯m doing?¡±
ME: ¡°I have no idea.¡±
ANYA: ¡°Cooking!¡±
ME: ¡°I was wondering what smelled so good! I¡¯ll be right over! JK!¡±
ANYA: ¡°Haha!¡±
Even though I remained uncertain how Friday would pan out, it was nice to know she seemed to look forward to it after all that took place this week with Jackson. Before I began my nightly ritual, I decided to call my mom to see how she was doing. I hadn¡¯t been to the house in at least a month, and although I talked to her on the phone pretty much every night, since Anya¡¯s hiccup and Jackson¡¯s confrontation, not to mention all the work I had fallen behind on that never ceased to pile, I hadn¡¯t spoken to her in a little over a week which just never happenned. I had been that tied up though, but I¡¯m sure she could use the break from my drama. My mother always worried about me, and Anya¡¯s revelation put me in a dark personal place. The last thing I wanted to do was tell my mom about it as I didn¡¯t want her to think I was down at all, and even though I didn¡¯t know what Friday would bring, I still felt positive about Anya and I picking up where we left off. The love for each other just couldn¡¯t be denied or swept under the rug as I truly believed this ¡°separation¡± was truly temporary.
My mom recorded a message on her answering machine and I usually had to listen to it every time I called. She recorded the message in probably the worst Italian accent ever uttered. And as I phoned her on this day, I got the answering machine as predicted.
This narrative has been purloined without the author''s approval. Report any appearances on Amazon.
¡°Excuse-ah please-ah. We can¡¯t-ah get to the phone-ah at this time-ah, but if you leave-ah your ¨C name-ah and your numb-ah we¡¯ll-ah call-ah you back. Have-ah nice-ah day.¡±
¡°Excuse-ah please-ah. This is your son-ah. Please-ah call-ah him back-ah.¡±
Just before I was about to hang up, a human answered.
¡°Land.¡±
¡°Hey Dad. How¡¯s it going?¡±
¡°Ok. How are you? Got you working a lot of hours at the office?¡±
¡°Lately. I¡¯ve been really busy.¡±
¡°As long as you¡¯re getting paid. It¡¯s green and it¡¯s got pictures on it. That¡¯s what you need.¡±
¡°I know, Dad. More than ever. Is mom there?¡± I asked before he could get into a rant about money.
¡°She¡¯s lying down¡¡± he said.
¡°Oh, okay. Just let her know I called.¡± I said.
¡°Oh, wait. She¡¯s up.¡± he said. ¡®It¡¯s Land. Okay here you go. Talk to you later.¡±
¡°Bye, Dad,¡±
¡°Hi Honey.¡± greeted my mother.
¡°Salutations.¡± I greeted back. ¡°You sound tired. Do you have a migraine?¡±
¡°No, I¡¯m just tired.¡± she explained. ¡°and a little down.¡±
¡°Why are you a little down?¡± I asked.
¡°The cancer has spread to my lungs and liver.¡± she said as if it was no big deal. ¡°I have to start chemotherapy next week.¡±
¡°What does that mean?¡± I asked, concerned. ¡°What did the doctor say?¡±
¡°They said they are going to attack it.¡± she stated. ¡°but when it gets to the organs though¡that¡¯s not a good thing, but I have God on my side.¡±
I didn¡¯t know much about my mother¡¯s cancer or about cancer in general. My mom made it seem so normal to live with, it didn¡¯t feel like a big thing even as it now spread to her organs, or at least my mother never made it a big enough deal for us to consider it one.
¡°Let Science do their thing, mom.¡± I told her. ¡°They know what they¡¯re doing.¡±
¡°They gave me a new drug called Xanax. It¡¯s helped a lot.¡±
I had no idea what Xanax was or why they prescribed it to my mom, but I figured I should give it a try the next time I visited to see what the hype was about.
When I ended my phone call with her, I didn¡¯t know what to think. What was the significance of cancer that spread to the lung and liver? My mom had it in her breast tissue. It then metastasized to her bone, but she beat it back every time. Why wouldn¡¯t this be different? I knew about chemotherapy and how sick it could make someone but I found it better than surgery when she had a breast removed. I didn¡¯t look at it as doom and gloom but it did make me sad even as my mom seemed fine with it, and it seemed they caught it in time to ¡°attack¡± it. Still, if I were to weight the two as far as significance, my mother¡¯s cancer and my broken heart to me, my broken heart bothered me more even though my mother¡¯s cancer return unsettled me as well. My broken heart over Anya¡¯s indecision just mattered more because my mother has beaten Cancer twice already. The third strike, and Cancer would be out, but I also couldn¡¯t help but worry about how disheartened my mom sounded on the phone. How she was lying down without a migraine headache. It just got me down when I threw my broken heart in the mix as well.
9:39 p.m.
¡°Goodnight babe. I love you.¡±
ME: ¡°Goodnight beautiful. Love you too.¡±
I wanted to share what my mother just told me with Anya, but I felt it would distract her from her kids, and I didn¡¯t want the focus on me, but rather on them, so I didn¡¯t as I tried to fall asleep on this night.
When Friday mercifully arrived at a time I needed her to figure some things out on my own. she texted me.
9:36 a.m.
¡°Good morning! I¡¯ll be leaving DP at 10! C u in a bit!¡±
I tried not to let her announced departure time that should have been her arrival time bother me, but I began to think negatively on a Halloween day I used to really love growing up. We were now going into our twelfth month as it was hard to believe how fast the year had flown by with her in my life. As much pain, it brought me at this time, it was the price I had to pay at times to feel the greatest happiness I ever had. Love was the elixir to all of life¡¯s pain and now with my mother sick, I felt a need for Anya even more, as it made me realize all I fought for her to have. I didn¡¯t want her to end up like my mother, and I felt Anya was on the same path because of the stressful life she lived. I know she did it for her kids, everything she did was for them, but I didn¡¯t want Katie and Andrew to lose their mother earlier than they ever should. Anya was healthy on the outside but on the inside, I believed she was slowly eroding, and I felt if she stayed, the erosion would only hasten. I didn¡¯t want her to experience anything my mother already did, and the risk of pressuring her now potentially increased.
She left me in a state of flux. I loved her so much, and although I¡¯m not absolving myself of my role and my choice to be in her life, but it was the representations made to me about her situation, not a marriage, is what allowed me to make that choice. Not only did I love her with my heart and soul, I trusted her with them. Even though I thought it best to stop contact now, how do I do that when I loved her so much and so much uncertainty clouded me to her true intentions? Did she plan to be with me or did she not? Could I trust she was finding ways to make it happen or had she given up? To me this visit represented her resolve not to give up. To believe in the goodness of our love, not the part that hurt her kids. Now that he knew my full name, did he truly know who I was? If he had known for the last year it was me, how come he never approached me when he visited my office? Was that why he put me down the day he did visit and commented about me having an office? Is it possible that Clyde knows? Then again, he was still our client as I received no indication or any signs that was going to change. If he truly knew who I was, am I now free to love her? Should I make myself known? I hated the dishonesty but I had to let Anya dictate that particular event as I felt it was one she should remain in control of, however I needed her protection. If he knew the truth and began to tear me down to others in business, who would she protect? A lot of questions circled my mind upon her visit, one that could very well be her last as I didn¡¯t know what to expect but the unexpected.
I wondered why she never played the card that if he told the kids about her why she wouldn¡¯t tell the kids about him? It seemed she had as much firepower as he did, but she actually loved the person as opposed to running around for shits and grins. If he played the kids card, why didn¡¯t she use her hand at all? She told me I was pressuring her and she doesn¡¯t want to give up on us. I¡¯m in love with her and I wasn¡¯t ready to give up on us, not even close, as I felt I needed to give her the time she needed to figure things out, but it also seemed if I didn¡¯t go ¡°no contact¡± then she would have no incentive to leave. She would only continue to sit on the fence, but the worst part about that for me was if she never contacted me again, I would never believe in love again. Then again, if she truly loved me, and I believed she did, she would find a way to be with me. The absolute truth was I couldn¡¯t take a downgrade to ¡°friend¡± after all we shared. It felt like a demotion to me, and not an act of love, or a method to get closer to me, but further away. if you truly wanted to be with someone, was there such a thing as pressure? I felt her relegation of me to friend discounted the depth of all we shared, all the feelings I had for her, and I reasoned was ultimately why I had to sever all contact after she visited. I didn¡¯t want to be known as ¡°just a friend¡± as that was not what I signed up for, and she knew that from the beginning. As much as I loved her, as hard as it would be, a near impossibility, I had to let her go and see if she came back.
Two hours later, after she left my apartment, another great visit in the books, I realized I couldn¡¯t do it. I couldn¡¯t punish her. I loved her too much. Halloween was my favorite ¡°holiday¡± for me as a kid. My parents let me create a haunted house every year and I had a lot of fun scaring the kids and watching little ones become brave all at once. I didn¡¯t care for candy much, but I enjoyed being someone else, anything else, other than me for a day. I think that was what appealed to me most about Halloween, but by far, I was myself this Halloween and it was by far the best one I ever had simply because of Anya. She made an already fun day like Halloween, one that lost its luster as I grew older, fun again. When she left my place that day, I felt like I had been transported to the days of being a kid, where love and wonder reigned, and responsibility and pressure waned. Before I could speak a word, to tell her of my plans, when she arrived her lips crash landed into mine, and I couldn¡¯t help but meet them as I could sense the happiness and relief she felt that she was with me. She told me this week seemed to last forever, and I felt it in her touch. The way she loved me today, without any reservation, without any hint of a separation told me, I was her need, not a luxury, and I loved her way too much to take it away from her. She deserved the best of both worlds in my eyes as over time I believed she would eventually disembark from the one she didn¡¯t need. Days after her husband confronted her about me, with accurate data, she loved me like she never did before. Not only was it the best Halloween, but the bet day I ever had. She came with two large Tupperware bowls full of the soup she made me, the kindest most thoughtful gesture I ever received from another human being. She then handed me a box of pumpkin biscotti to have after my soup for dessert, another thoughtful gesture in a day full of them. We made it to my room and did our usual things as if we didn¡¯t miss a beat, her eyes full of love and hope, more than I¡¯ve ever seen or felt from her, at the most critical time in our relationship. Instead of letting her go, I apologized for everything I put her through with my reaction about her leaving as we talked face to face about her husband¡¯s confrontation. She joked she was being followed and her phone being ¡°tapped¡±, but with Jackson¡¯s political aspirations and reputation on the line, I wouldn¡¯t have put it past him. After Jackson confronted her, I thought she would pull away even more, but she did the exact opposite, she came closer and gave me more of herself, as I found it to be a bigger step toward us than ever before. When she left my apartment that day, as I pulled her back into bed with me like I always did when she tried to leave, I felt she planned to leave him more than ever, and not only that, I felt it could happen at any time. If he couldn¡¯t trust her, what was there to left to salvage after all the hurt he had put her through over the years? To see Anya¡¯s smile and to feel her warmth, her love, and even her friendship, gave me the strength and ample evidence she wanted to be well; she wanted to be happy and liberated from his mentally abusive ways. To know Anya was to know she was a great mother. To know Anya was to know she loved her kids and would never hurt them in anyway. To know Anya was to know she would only visit me if she loved me.
I texted her to say thank you for the tomato soup and pumpkin biscotti, and that I couldn¡¯t wait for dinner this evening.
1:50 p.m.
¡°U don¡¯t have to thank me because it was my pleasure. You¡¯re going to laugh at me for this but you know to heat up the soup right? I miss u, I love u.¡±
ME: ¡°You mean after I take it out of the freezer?¡±
ANYA: ¡°What? Call me!¡±
¡°You¡¯re kidding, right?¡± she said as she picked up the phone.
¡°About what?¡± I said to go keep my soup prep discussion going because I missed her.
¡°What is the soup doing in the freezer, babe?¡±
¡°I don¡¯t know.¡± I joked. ¡°Should I ask it?¡±
¡°Babe! Stop it!¡±
¡°After I take it out of the freezer¡I¡¯m supposed to heat it up?¡±
¡°It¡¯s not supposed to be in the freezer!¡±
¡°I thought it was Cheezits soup though¡and you told me Cheezits taste better that way.¡±
¡°You told me that! And it¡¯s tomato soup! It¡¯s going to taste like water if you put it in the freezer!¡±
¡°Good thing I didn¡¯t put it in the freezer then!¡± I said. ¡°But do I really need to heat it up though?¡±
¡°You¡¯re killing me!¡±
¡°Love you, babe.¡±
¡°I love you too!¡± she said. ¡°I¡¯m listening to my Air Supply CD right now.¡±
¡°You know, I hate to admit this being a guy, but I really like Air Supply.¡±
¡°I¡¯ve been listening to them a lot lately. Journey and Foreigner too.¡±
¡°I love Journey and Foreigner.¡± I said. ¡°It¡¯s nice to know I have an actual face to put to their songs now.¡±
¡°I think of you when I listen, too. Although they¡¯re old songs, they never meant a thing to me until now.¡± she said. ¡°I would love to go to a concert with you one day.¡±
¡°I¡¯d totally go with you to see any of those bands.¡±
Before I met Anya, not that I was angry, just a little disgusted with the world, I listened mostly to hard rock, but with Anya in my life, she opened up a whole new music world to me and I loved every song she introduced me too as listening gave my soul such life. To have the same musical taste was something I gave up on having in common with a love interest, but with Anya, we would never have a disagreement in music we wanted to listen to, whether on a long road trip or on an alarm clock in the morning. Another reason it hurt whenever we separated, as songs I never knew before I met her, had an effect on me whenever my ears took them in.
¡°Babe, can I ask you a question I meant to ask you today?¡± I asked.
¡°Of course.¡±
¡°Your husband claims a friend of mine told him who I was, and he¡¯s known for a year.¡± I said. ¡°I thought maybe it was Mitch but how would he know what your husband looks like?¡±
¡°He wouldn¡¯t know Special Ed.¡± she said. ¡°I think he¡¯s lying that a friend of yours told him. Carolyn thinks he¡¯s lying too.¡±
¡°Did he ever say my full name to you?¡±
¡°No¡he said it was Landyn L, so I assumed he did.¡±
It was a relief to hear from her that she didn¡¯t buy Jackson¡¯s story, and it only widened the gap between them. Even Carolyn didn¡¯t believe him, and that meant a lot for me to know as well.
On the night of Halloween, my favorite day of the year, I didn¡¯t care about costumes and masks but the soup that awaited me in my kitchen. After I heated it up, as lovingly instructed, I sat down and dipped my spoon in. When it exited my mouth, I couldn¡¯t believe soup could taste so good. It was as authentic as tomato soup could be and left you wanting even more. After I finished my soup and smiled when there was still a few nights worth left for me, I texted Anya to ask her an important question.
6:57 p.m.
¡°Thank you! That¡¯s so sweet! Of course, I made it babe! I love you!¡±
No doubt she put her heart and soul into the soup¡¯s recipe as she perfected it beyond perfection, by far the best soup I ever tasted in my life. Then I decided to try a pumpkin biscotti she bought me, and I could have eaten the entire box in one sitting. I now knew and loved another part of her, another thing we had in common, the same taste buds, as I dreamed more about being together. At a time I needed her love the most, she came through and it gave me more hope than I ever had for us, especially after Jackson¡¯s ill-advised confrontation.
I called my mom later that evening to see how she was doing, and she seemed to be back to her usual spunky self. I couldn¡¯t help but share the news of my day with her and the soup Anya made me as I told her I would bring some for her to try. My mother never ate horribly bad, but I¡¯m sure if she had grown up with healthy food, like the soup Anya had prepared for me, she might have been able to stave off the Cancer, but she grew up poor and ate only what her family could afford. If Anya could turn her tomato soup recipe into a tomato sauce, I would probably give spaghetti a try again one day, but I wasn¡¯t going to press her on it.
After I got off the phone with my mother, I began to resign that my Halloween night would be spent at home this year, and with it being a Friday night, I preferred it that way since there would be a lot of people out since it fell on the weekend. Anya planned to go to a neighborhood Halloween party so I didn¡¯t want to bug her as the beauty of the day got me through the darkness without her, but she still found a way to not make me feel so lonely.
7:52 p.m.
¡°Boo!¡±
ME: ¡°Ahhhhhh! Why did you have to scare me like that?¡±
ANYA: ¡°Ha! Whatcha doin?¡±
ME: ¡°Just sitting here thinking about today. How much it meant to me to see you again. Counting down the hours until I can have your soup again. What r u up to?¡±
ANYA: ¡°Well just left the party b/c no one is at my house to pass out candy and I felt bad. I pass out the ¡°King size¡± and I get repeat offenders every year.¡±
ME: ¡°Oh I see. That¡¯s very sweet of you to think of them.¡±
ANYA: ¡°I didn¡¯t want to disappoint the little guys! I miss you terribly.¡±
ME: ¡°I miss you terribly, too. We had a great time together.¡±
ANYA: ¡°Yes we did! You were so yummy and delicious! I couldn¡¯t get enough! I love you forever!¡±
ME: ¡°You were yummier than the soup and that¡¯s saying a lot! I love you forever!¡±
ANYA: ¡°Ha! On my way back to my neighbor¡¯s. Left candy out for the kids. I love u babe. Goodnight. I miss you. Happy Halloween.¡±
In my eyes, it was the best Halloween I ever had, and it wasn¡¯t even close. All because of one beautiful person as I realized I experienced the best days of my life because I spent it with her.
The first day of November fell on a Saturday, as I heard from her for the first time later than usual, as it brought back memories of her silence.
11:26 a.m.
¡°It¡¯s raining here.¡±
ME: ¡°It¡¯s raining here too. How r u? I miss you.¡±
ANYA: ¡°I¡¯m fine babe. How r u? I miss you too.¡±
ME: ¡°I¡¯m good. Have to do an interim inventory count this morning for a client.
I¡¯m counting pieces of wood. It¡¯s not much fun.¡±
ANYA: ¡°Uh yeah. Boring! Sorry! I had a great time yesterday. Can¡¯t believe I just saw you yesterday! Redundant but it feels like days.¡±
ME: ¡°Tell me about it! I want to fall asleep! It was the best Halloween I ever had. Thanks for coming by and making it special for me. It¡¯s hard to believe I just saw you yesterday too. I had a dream of you, but I really wasn¡¯t sleeping. If that makes any sense.¡±
ANYA: ¡°Ha ha! You have to fall asleep to dream!¡±
ME: ¡°I guess I dream of you all the time even when I¡¯m awake! I love you that much.¡±
ANYA: ¡°I love you so much too. It was comforting to be in your arms again. I miss you.¡±
ME: ¡°It meant everything to have you back in them.¡±
ANYA: ¡°Well, have a good day at work counting wood chips! Jk! On my way to grab a Chunky! I love you!¡±
For her to find comfort being in my arms again meant a lot for me to hear. It told me how much her need to feel truly loved meant to her, and I needed to know that. On a day I planned to give her a lot more space, her love eliminated a plan I devised to kill myself as it was comforting to know, and feel, how much I meant to her. That I wasn¡¯t a luxury but a need, and even though I didn¡¯t hear back from her for the rest of this day, I was fine with it, because her love made me feel secure even as I missed her like never before.
The next day her morning text brought me hope.
8:22 a.m.
¡°Good morning. How r u? Hope u had a nice evening. Walked in the rain again this morning. Naturally I thought of you. Having a hard time. I really miss u.¡±
ME: ¡°You made me fall in love with the rain. I really miss u too. This isn¡¯t easy.¡±
ANYA: ¡°I know baby. I love you.¡±
Rainy days had a different feel to them. I never liked them. Despised them actually but having Anya made me want to go inside my bed and just listen to the rain fall against my window and imagine she was in my arms. The rain falling outside. Her soft skin against mine. Her distinct aroma. It all just defined the most perfect day for me now. Made me fall in love with the world, in the wing of an angel. After I slept in for another hour, saddened by not having her near me, I decided to continue my ¡°jeans¡± shopping at the mall. I had lost twenty pounds since I met Anya simply because I just ate better and continued to work out five nights a week. While at the mall though, a person approached me to say hello who I didn¡¯t recognize for a few minutes before it dawned on me it was Anya¡¯s ex-friend, Flora. I was surprised she even recognized me simply because she had only seen me one time before, almost a year ago. We spoke briefly then departed and when Anya texted me, I told her the news.
2:26 p.m.
¡°No way! What did she say? Do u know Allison?¡±
ME: ¡°She just told me she was doing well. I was surprised she even remembered me. Does she think we¡¯re still seeing each other? I don¡¯t know Allison.¡±
ANYA: ¡°She doesn¡¯t know that we still talk. She thinks it all ended when the SE thing went down in January.¡±
ME: ¡°Oh, I didn¡¯t know. I didn¡¯t say anything but hello to her. You told me she might ¡°dig¡± so I was aware of that and didn¡¯t mention anything. I didn¡¯t want to be rude or make it seem like I¡¯m avoiding her because then she would know we still talk because how would I be aware you and her had a fall out?¡±
ANYA: ¡°You did the right thing babe. If she tells me she ran into you I¡¯m going to act dumb. Did u go shopping or to lunch? My soup is too old now and you should dump it.¡±
ME: ¡°I went shopping and had lunch as well. Really? I should dump your soup? I only have a little left over.¡±
ANYA: ¡°Oh I c. Work clothes? Idk I usually don¡¯t keep food longer than 3 days. I made it Thursday evening. It¡¯s not like it¡¯s meat based and going to go bad. It just loses its freshness, that¡¯s all. I miss u terribly.¡±
ME: ¡°I don¡¯t usually care for ¡°leftovers¡± but your soup is an exception. I left the mall. Decided to come home. I miss you terribly too.¡±
ANYA: ¡°Why? U didn¡¯t c anything you liked?¡±
ME: ¡°I¡¯m really picky about jeans. I have a short torso and long legs. I¡¯m just not in the mood to try them on.¡±
ANYA: ¡°Really? That¡¯s ok. U know what you like!¡±
ME: ¡°I¡¯ve lost at least 20 pounds since the last time I bought a pair of jeans. Most of my pants don¡¯t fit me anymore.¡±
ANYA: ¡°20 lbs.? Ur pants must be falling off!¡±
ME: ¡°Thank God for my belt!¡±
ANYA: ¡°No way! And you¡¯re picky about how pants look on you? Dude you need to get some new clothes! How do u think u look in pants too big for u? Sorry.¡±
The tone of her texts made me feel she was upset at something. Anya didn¡¯t text nor did she ever talk like this. I had a different body type and buying pants were always a chore, and mostly the reason why I stopped shopping for them. I then began to wonder if maybe Flora talking to me at the mall irritated her. That maybe she didn¡¯t believe my interaction with her went the way I told her it did. Or maybe the terrible feeling of missing someone had started to take a real toll and distracted her again from the kids. I didn¡¯t respond to her text as I really didn¡¯t know how to answer as it seemed to be a putdown, without a hint of the understanding I usually received from her.
2:38 p.m.
¡°Sorry did I overstep my boundaries?¡±
ME: ¡°I have a question. Did you ever tell Flora you were in love with me?¡±
An hour later, I received a response from her.
3:29 p.m.
¡°Yes.¡±
ME: ¡°I was just curious.¡±
Nearly another hour passed when she sent me another text.
4:17 p.m.
¡°I love you.¡±
I responded in kind as it seemed she struggled mightily on this day, more than usual. What her tone relayed to me was frustration over the whole situation. Here she was at home missing me ¡°terribly¡± and a friend, one she is not happy with, was able to talk and see me without a care. Regardless of how innocuous the conversation was, it had to hurt her in some way. I didn¡¯t want to assume this is how she felt. I could be wrong, but it was how I felt everyday, whether consciously or subconsciously. It upset me that any Bill, Tom or John on the street could walk right past her, even say hello and interact without fear, and I couldn¡¯t. I found myself trapped inside a eight hundred square foot holding cell because going outside only made me depressed. It¡¯s why I came home from the mall early. I just wanted to crash on my bed and wake up when the time came to see her again as she became all that mattered to me, not my career, not my million dollar a year payday, but Anya. To save her from the same misery that engulfed me.
That night after she said goodnight to me, at around midnight, I sent her a text in an attempt to be empathetic to how she may have felt today.
ME: ¡°Hi babe. I hope you have your fone off. I don¡¯t know if this is true or not, but I hope I didn¡¯t make you sad by telling you that Flora saw me at the mall today. I really wasn¡¯t thinking how that might have affected you. I started to think about it, and at least for myself, I always want to see you so bad and I get sad when I think about how other people do and I can¡¯t. Like the guy who walks by you in the store or rings your groceries up. The guy who takes your money so you can fill your gas tank up.Those people get to see you, the woman I love who loves me too, and I can¡¯t and it bums me out when I think about it. Anyway, I just wanted you to know that I wasn¡¯t really thinking if that would affect you or not. When I take into consideration you are having a hard time and missing me terribly, I feel that was inconsiderate of me to tell you. I don¡¯t know but if it did make you sad babe, I¡¯m very sorry. I missed you tons last night and today babe. I¡¯m going through a really hard time. I¡¯m thinking positive and I¡¯m just looking at it as an opportunity for me to show you further how much I love you. Ur my best friend babe. Sorry if that hurt you today. U r always on my mind. I love you forever.¡±
After I sent her the text, I felt better and was able to sleep off any negative emotions I felt earlier. Anya didn¡¯t waste any time in her response as she texted me earlier than I could remember she did before.
4:38 a.m.
¡°Hope ur fone is off now cuz it¡¯s early. No not at all. It didn¡¯t bum me out. I¡¯m glad you told me about Flora. I know it¡¯s a hard time and I miss u greatly.¡±
4:44 a.m.
¡°Ur my best friend too babe and u never escape my mind. I¡¯m sorry for the pain I¡¯ve caused. I love you forever.¡±
When I turned on my phone the next morning to her texts, it warmed my heart as it gave me the strength to face the day, this third one of November. Anya then sent me a ¡°good morning¡± text, but it was quick, one of those that usually left me to wonder if she was unsettled. When she asked me if she could call me during my lunch hour, I felt the worst, especially after such a great meeting we had a couple days earlier as I feared anything negative and my reaction to it. As badly as I wanted to hear her voice, I reluctantly agreed to it, due to the dread it likely carried. Throughout the morning, I could not accomplish a single thing at work as the unfinished engagements began to pile up. I had become so engrossed in our relationship, and what it meant to me and my life, I lost my focus and drive. At a time, I really couldn¡¯t afford to. Now that Jackson claimed to know my full name, I waited for Clyde to come into my office to tell me the news as every second of the day that passed brought that possibility. If we lost Jackson¡¯s business, I would undoubtedly lose my promotion, and if that happened, I would have to end my hopes, wishes and dreams too. I couldn¡¯t allow her to leave if I lost the promotion. It wasn¡¯t about love but about her children. I couldn¡¯t care for them the way I hoped to care for them. I couldn¡¯t care for her the way I hoped to care for her. There would be a huge drop off than what they were used to, and their security and the relationship with their mother would suffer for our ¡°love¡±. It wouldn¡¯t be an act of love on my part if I pushed her to leave her marriage, and her kids behind, if I lost my promotion. When I phoned her on my lunch break, and I escaped the office without an ill-fated appearance from Clyde, I was able to have the best heart to heart discussion with her about all I felt about Jackson¡¯s confrontation.
¡°I miss you terribly, Landyn.¡± she said. ¡°It¡¯s unbearable sometimes.¡±
¡°I know the feeling.¡± I said. ¡°Then you sent me a text, and we share a laugh and I feel better. Sometimes that¡¯s all it takes is a little communication with each other when we experience those strong moments of sadness.¡±
¡°My interaction with my husband has been minimal.¡± she volunteered. ¡°I want to ask him about who your friend is, but I don¡¯t want to go there.¡±
¡°I understand. How do you think he found out my full name?¡± I asked. ¡°Do you think he tapped your phone?¡±
¡°I don¡¯t know. He could have followed me. He could have hired a private investigator. He definitely could have tapped my phone too.¡±
¡°I guess everything and anything is on the table when he has the money to do those things.¡± I said. ¡°Please forgive me for being curious about who the friend is. It¡¯s just so strange if that¡¯s the case. He has to be lying about that. Hiring a private investigator makes the most sense to me.¡±
¡°He knew about the time I dropped Katie off at the Bat Mitzvah and went to see you.¡± she revealed. ¡°So, he claims.¡±
¡°How did he pull that off without following you or without hiring a private investigator?¡±
¡°He claims it was intuition.¡±
Her word ¡°intuition¡± brought a tear to my eye. It meant a lot to me, in this situation, that she couldn¡¯t hide her feelings for me from him. I never agreed to the dishonesty of this relationship. I thought it would change when she fell in love with me, but I was here now by default, out of love. I needed to know she was a genuine person. I needed to know she had enough character to have a hard time in hiding this from him, and she did. He knew she was no longer the same woman he married. He knew she cared for someone, great enough to leave her own daughter at a Bat Mitzvah just so she could see me. And although I was told Katie didn¡¯t want her mom there, Jackson would never see it that way. He couldn¡¯t and it dawned on me why he waited an entire year to say anything to her; because he thought she would eventually come back to him, as he always viewed me as a much lesser man than he was. That Anya¡¯s interest in me, in us, would fade away once she realized I could never measure up, but as time passed, he started to realize, more than he ever believed he would, that I had more to offer her simply because I provided to Anya the things money could never buy such as honor, respect and loyalty. I built her up, and never shamed her. I wanted the best for her, and not the second best. I truly cared about her happiness over my own. More than anything, I gave her something all his money never could, I taught her what love was, and that it truly existed for her. And she believed in it, nothing more than her show of love when she dropped her daughter off to spend the evening with me. Jackson was up against the ropes and we now entered the late rounds, both of us fatigued, but neither of us willing to accept defeat as we held on to our haymakers, but only one of us knew the truth behind what we were both fighting for.
¡°When you tell me that. It makes me really proud of you, babe.¡±
¡°Really? Proud? How so?¡±
¡°Because it shows me you¡¯ve changed. You¡¯re no longer the same woman you were before you met me.¡± I said. ¡°Don¡¯t get me wrong. I don¡¯t want it to be so obvious he finds out and is able to use that against you, but it¡¯s good to know you¡¯re a good person who can¡¯t hide what you feel for me from him. That¡¯s something I can trust in, and I need that sometimes. To know you¡¯re too genuine, and have so much character that you¡¯re unable to hide your true feelings for me from him. I think it¡¯s a positive step toward the truth. That you¡¯re just an honest person in a dishonest situation, like me.¡±
¡°He knows he¡¯s on thin ice.¡± she said.
¡°He put himself on thin ice.¡± I said. ¡°I don¡¯t hate your husband. I think he¡¯s a good father but I only dislike him as your husband. There was this one time you told me something and you felt guilty about it, you followed it with ¡°I¡¯m a mother¡±. I thought it was a desperate plea to not be found out by your kids, but it was the pain he caused you over the years that has driven you here. I don¡¯t like him because he took a woman who was first and foremost ¡°a mother¡± and drove a mother and the wife of his two children into the arms of another man that made her question how good of a mother she really is when there is no question she is the best mother there is. In my eyes, to drive someone to the point where they felt compelled to pursue relationships with other men, told me all I needed to know about him. As a father, I have all the respect in the world for him, but none as your husband. He¡¯s a good provider. Hey, that¡¯s great! He did his job! He¡¯s a good father¡that¡¯s fantastic. Again, he¡¯s supposed to be a good father. Katie and Andrew didn¡¯t ask to be here. The least you could do is give them the things they need to live here. But he is not a good husband. Being a good husband was his duty as well as being a good father.¡±
¡°Thank you. I¡¯m not going to bash him though, babe.¡± she said.
¡°That¡¯s fine, because the infidelities without real remorse tells me all I need to know about him anyway.¡± I said. ¡°He let this go on for a year because he¡¯s afraid to rock the boat? If he was afraid to rock the boat wouldn¡¯t he have just kept this to himself? Do you know why I think he let this go on, babe? Because he wants to make you look bad. He wants you to get caught so he can tell the kids ¡°hey look at what Mom did to Sad¡±. As if Dad, never contributed to mom¡¯s actions.¡±
¡°I agree babe.¡± she said. ¡®I wish I could see you, but it would defeat the purpose of what I¡¯m trying to do.¡±
Even though I was taken aback but what she said after she defeated the purpose only two days ago, I decided to let it go and had fun with it instead.
¡°Well, if you¡¯re ever up for defeating the purpose, let me know.¡± I responded.
¡°Oh, I will!¡± she said as we both laughed heartily.
¡°Oh, I know you will! That¡¯s why I love you so much.¡±
¡°I love you very much too. Thank you for sticking up for me.¡±
¡°Always.¡±
¡°I listened to David Gray this morning. It made me feel close to you.¡±
¡°Every time I hear his piano in ¡°This Year¡¯s Love¡± it reminds me of the rain and the night I met you and the girls in Cerritos.¡± I said. ¡°And we ended up kissing in the rain and when we got inside of your car we kissed more. Such a great moment.¡±
¡°I remember.¡± she said. ¡°I loved that night.¡±
The more I talked with her about that time, the more I realized how many memories we already had after just eleven months, and we weren¡¯t even free to see each other like most couples were able to.
When I hung up the phone, I was relieved our conversation was far from what I believed it would be. Later that evening, when I got home after a fruitless day from work but one with no conversations with Clyde, she texted me.
5:35 p.m.
¡°Can u believe it¡¯s only 5:30? It feels so late.¡±
ME: ¡°Hard to believe! It feels like it¡¯s at least 8. I loved our phone call today. I love how much the simple things brings us so much happiness. That so many of life¡¯s simple pleasures makes us happy.¡±
ANYA: ¡°I know babe. It¡¯s all about tea, soups, books, rain and cuddling. All the things we like! I¡¯m glad I got to hear your voice. I love you too.¡±
ME: ¡°I love you too. In fact, I¡¯m having the last of your soup for dinner!¡±
ANYA: ¡°I¡¯m having tea and pumpkin biscotti!
ME: ¡°I think I will copy you! What kind of tea are you having?¡±
ANYA: ¡°Earl Grey but very light. Took the bag out after a couple of seconds. Don¡¯t want the caffeine to keep me up.¡±
ME: ¡°Thanks for the tip!¡±
It¡¯s all about ¡°tea, soups, books, rain and cuddling¡± was as true as the sun in an afternoon sky. If any two people could find such enjoyment in those simple things together, I thought how could the Universe not want to see them together? For this man to find ¡°cuddling¡± more than tolerable with someone, as I was certain my male friends would have fun with this one if they knew, I don¡¯t know how I¡¯d ever find that with someone else. I loved sex but just having her in my arms made me feel pure euphoria. After all the years I searched for this kind of love, how crazy to know it found me. Tea and soups couldn¡¯t possibly taste better than with her. Books were more interesting to read when she shared them with me. She made me fall in love with the rain, and even cuddling was a need. The scary thing was, we had barely skimmed the surface of all the things we had in common and could do together as I dreamt of being with her on a daily basis. Was Jackson going to really hold on and fight for her if he knew she loved someone for almost a year? He even suspected she was seeing Lance. What was he truly fighting for? Her unhappiness? I¡¯m sure he loved his kids. I¡¯m sure his fight was for them, but it lacked real nobility simply because of the emotional and mental abuse he levied on their own mother which drove her into another man¡¯s arms. If he really wanted to cement himself into the hearts and minds of his kids, he would teach them that mutual love and mutual respect is the foundation of marital bliss, not money and things. I knew his ego played a role as well. He had many constituents who believed he had a loyal loving wife and perfect marriage, but would he had rather them learn the truth through him or through me? He had an obligation to teach his kids what love and a real marriage based on mutual respect and trust was. He had an obligation to be honest with the public who perceived him to be perfect. I felt he had an opportunity to do the right thing, to let his wife go, so she could be happy, because even Jackson was unhappy, so why not come clean so happiness could win? He could build again with truth, rather than compound his political aspirations with lies.
Early the next morning, an election day Tuesday, Anya sent me a text.
8:26 a.m.
¡°I miss u and love u.¡±
ME: ¡°I miss u and love u too. How r u?¡±
ANYA: ¡°Still having a hard time. How r u?¡±
ME: ¡°I¡¯m hanging in there. Are u in bed? It¡¯s raining.¡±
ANYA: ¡°In bed? I wish! It¡¯s not raining here now. Was up early. So far gym, coffee w/the girls, made hot breakfast, voted, kickboxed and bank. Working at home now.¡±
All I did was roll out of bed for work and voted while Anya basically put a whole day in before nine a.m. Although I never told Anya, I voted for Obama. There was so much turmoil in the world at the time and a lot of the world blamed us for it, and I felt Obama was a good face for the country to have to soothe out the world¡¯s differences with us. He was eloquent, classy and well spoken. I thought we needed a change from the Bush administration who gave me the impression he was out to destroy to build with contract work for privileged American businesses. I wanted honest business dealings, not ones that seemed preferred as Cheney¡¯s Haliburton profited off the Iraq war when they eradicated a dictator who kept the country together. I was pro-business as I felt it stimulated the economy however not in the manner in which there was no real competition and the opportunity was created by false public information. After the Iraq war, a war I initially supported because of the ¡°war on terror¡±, and I hated politics anyway, I began to see the impact government had and how it manipulated the public so it could gain the will of the people based on misleading and false information. I felt Obama was the better candidate to come in there and get things straightened out. I just lost more faith in politics and the people behind them. How the political landscape catered to the narcissistic personalities, those who craved power as I now wanted government to have less of a role in deciding for the public. Although, Obama was a democrat and his party generally advocated for more government, I felt a better republican candidate and ticket would come along next time around, and that Obama was capable of giving us a better image and representation of us to the world. I didn¡¯t tell Anya I voted for him because I knew she was republican, and although she never said a bad word about Obama, I just thought I¡¯d keep my selection to myself.
Later that evening, while I worked late to catch up on my fruitless prior day, Anya texted me.
7:23 p.m.
¡°200-135 Obama. We¡¯ll c!¡±
Obama was up big in the Electoral College, but it was still pretty early when Anya texted me the count, as the bigger states would be reported later. The rest of the evening was quiet from her as I didn¡¯t know if she was with neighbors, or if Jackson threw an election night party as it seemed he would do such a thing. At any rate, it bummed me out I didn¡¯t hear from her for the rest of the evening as overall the day seemed unusually quiet, and it was something I didn¡¯t quite understand, but I hated politics anyway so I went to bed.
The next morning, I woke up to the news of the final results when Anya texted me her thoughts at a really early time.
4:34 a.m.
¡°Did you get to watch the acceptance speech? I admit it was pretty good. He was mellow and humble. I don¡¯t have a problem w/him just annoyed by ignorant people.¡±
I understood what she meant by being annoyed by ignorant people. People who probably failed history in high school but though they knew everything about how the world works. It amazed me how many of these people existed in our country. People who I felt envied without the will to work hard and make sacrifices for the things others had, as if people who had more were given it, as if they never earned it. Even though I drove a nice car, people looked at me with judgment where I went with it, even if they knew I owned it, and it was the cheapest model available. They didn¡¯t know I leased it. They didn¡¯t know I drove much lesser cars for years. They only wanted to see things the way they wanted to see them so they could bask in their self-righteousness. I never envied what others had. I believed if I worked hard, I would have nice things if that¡¯s what I wanted, but I never judged anyone. Never cared what anyone else drove. I believed the ignorant people were self-absorbed people in denial. They made huge mistakes in their life, such as having kids out of wedlock, then demanded the government pay for those kids, essentially through the taxpayers. Why would anyone have kids they couldn¡¯t afford boggled my mind and for them to have the audacity to judge me for the things I had simply because I made the decision to get my life in order so I wouldn¡¯t bring my kids up in poverty, is beyond ignorance, it was hatred. These were the people Anya referred to. The ones who believed we lived in a socialist or communist country, not one founded on capitalism. The ones who didn¡¯t hold themselves accountable for the decisions they made for the situations they currently found themselves in. These people were part of the democratic party, and why I identified myself as a republican. My mother was a democrat, but in the way these people were not, so I sided with my mother this time around.
I sent her a very short text in response. I didn¡¯t wish her a ¡°good morning¡± and didn¡¯t ask her how she was. As ridiculous as this might sound, I didn¡¯t understand why she didn¡¯t send me a ¡°goodnight¡± text. I wasn¡¯t going to pressure her. I wasn¡¯t going to ask why. I just pictured the scene last night surrounded by friends, co-workers, neighbors, businessmen, and political constituents acting like the perfect married couple, and it made me sick. My low self-esteem began to rear its head once again as I wondered why she loved me. She could pretty much be with the ¡°who¡¯s who¡± and the ¡°best of the best¡±, and I felt the reason she stayed in touch with me was because she felt sorry for me, and not out of love. She just seemed different since our last meeting as once again, I began to fear this was an attempt to eradicate me from her life, to find a way out. The more I thought this way, the more it seemed to make sense. She made me feel like somebody just to make me feel like a nobody. To make matters worse I had a dream of her getting into my bed wearing powder blue panties and a bra. When I woke up from the dream surrounded by darkness, it depressed me deeply, it out me in a really bad spot emotionally. After she told me it would ¡°defeat the purpose¡± I now missed without knowing if I¡¯d ever see her again and it killed me mentally as once again I knew my workload would begin to pile up once more.
Anya seemed to be taken aback by my short text response but I felt manipulated and fooled as I tried to hide to fight my true feelings and fear.
7:42 a.m.
¡°How r u?¡±
ME: ¡°I¡¯m ok. How r u?¡±
ANYA: ¡°I¡¯m ok too. Well I was going to go into work today but I have to work on getting a letter out to all our tenants and property management companies so I¡¯ll be working on that from home. I guess I¡¯ll go in tomorrow morning.¡±
I didn¡¯t really want to know any work-related things she did for Jackson. I know it was for the good of her children, and I respected that, but I felt she tried to pull away and working for him was where she wanted to be, and it unsettled me. It bothered me to think I was a distraction to her kids. I felt I gave her a ton of time to spend with her children, and that I had sacrificed a lot of time I could spend with her because she was with them. Then, I started to backtrack and thought it didn¡¯t matter if she talked to me or not, she was distracted because I was always on her mind and that seemed to make the most sense to me.
ME: ¡°How r things going for you at home overall these days? Do you feel you¡¯ve been there more for the kids than a couple of weeks ago?¡±
ANYA: ¡°I¡¯m really trying to be there w/and for the kids. Of course, you never escape my mind and I long for you.¡±
ME: ¡°It¡¯s important for you, and even us, that you do that babe. I long for you too. By the way, I had a hot dream about you last night.¡±
ANYA: ¡°Do tell!¡±
ME: ¡°You were over my place and when you took off your clothes, you were in a powder blue bra and panties. You had this huge smile and you came into my bed and pulled the covers over us, but then I woke up to a darkened room. It seemed so real!¡±
ANYA: ¡°Ha! Powder blue? Ok I¡¯m going shopping for a powder blue bra and bottom! JK! How sweet babe!¡±
After our morning conversation, I felt better before I headed to the office. On my lunch break, Anya texted me again, as it seemed she was back to the Anya that believed in our love.
12:59 p.m.
¡°I miss u. I hope you¡¯re having a good day.¡±
ME: ¡°I am now. I miss you too. How¡¯s your day going?¡±
ANYA: ¡°I¡¯m still stuffing. Over 1,200 letters to stuff. It was actually a commissioned job for the kids to do over the weekend but never got done. They¡¯re fired!¡±
ME: ¡°Oh boy, they are totally fired! Where were they?¡±
ANYA: ¡°Andrew worked on his wallet business all weekend w/his partner and Katie was MIA socializing!¡±
ME: ¡°That¡¯s kids for you!¡±
ANYA: ¡°They just don¡¯t have the same work ethics I tell ya! Andrew did change his website and made ¡°homemade¡± business cards. It¡¯s hilarious! You have to check it out! I better get back to stuffing. I love you!¡±
ME: ¡°Would love to! I love you too!¡±
The rest of the day I had trouble getting any work done. I turned my chair around and got up from it to look out the window at all the life below me, this time, without a smile on my face. I don¡¯t know if it was a combination of my mother¡¯s illness, my rising stress level at work, and Anya¡¯s indecision but I felt sad, as I didn¡¯t feel lonely but alone. As I looked down upon the cars that drove on the freeway, the streets and people who walked on the sidewalks, I felt more removed from them than ever before. I began to envy their problems, if they had any, instead of my own as I began to realize a part of me, that used to be a part of them, had died, never to be recovered again. I felt like a mental paraplegic, who lost the use of a part of his brain, a demolished receptor of adrenaline I needed to move forward as for the first time my drive, something that really defined me as a person, seemed lost and unrecoverable. I was mentally exasperated over everything as I couldn¡¯t pinpoint it, but everything just depressed me but in a manner, I never experienced before.
As I stared in space at my computer screen, I decided to get up and walk outside to use the restroom, but on my way back I found a secluded hall, I never knew existed, outside the office and began to read my old text messages from Anya I saved since July. I didn¡¯t know where to turn as I felt so hopeless and at the mercy of the universe, when I received a text from her.
3:28 p.m.
¡°I love you.¡±
ME: ¡°I love you too.¡±
And then another as I began to tear up affected by her timing.
3:30 p.m.
¡°I love you forever.¡±
ME: ¡°I love you forever.¡±
I began to smile and realized the Universe watched over me. The timing of her text in the middle of all I felt couldn¡¯t have happened without the help of something beyond my sight and consciousness. As I tucked my phone away and walked back to my office, with a smile that reached across my face, the drive within returned, until I reached my destination and realized Clyde there in the doorway.
¡°Landyn.¡± he said as I could feel my heart pound inside my chest. ¡°We need to talk.¡±
CHAPTER 19 ~ ALCHEMY
¡°Everytime I see you all the rays of the sun
are streaming through the waves in your hair
And every star in the sky is taking aim at your eyes
like a spotlight.
The beating of my heart is a drum, and it¡¯s lost
And it¡¯s looking for a rhythm like you.
You can take the darkness at the pit of the night.
And turn it into a beacon burning endlessly bright.
I¡¯ve gotta follow it
¡®cause everything I know
Well, it¡¯s nothing ¡®til I give it you.¡±
"Making Love Out Of Nothing At All" ~ Air Supply
When Clyde waited, then shut the door behind me after I walked in my office, I knew this would be no ordinary meeting. I tried to get a read on his facial gestures and body language, to notice anything different from the norm, but didn¡¯t recognize as such. I did not know what to tell him if this was about losing Jackson¡¯s business. I only received a few solid leads, but that¡¯s all they were: leads and even in their cumulative state had much less value than the Caiaphas account. If Clyde let me go at this moment, I would lose Anya. I would let her go, and tell her to meet a real man. One who could take care of her and the kids. I felt uneasy inside as I knew the next five minutes would determine the last eleven months of my life.
¡°How are you, Landyn?¡± he asked. ¡°How are you doing these days?¡±
¡°Well, I must admit I¡¯ve been behind on a few engagements, but I¡¯ve been plugging away at night and on the weekends.¡±
¡°I¡¯m not talking about work.¡± he said. ¡°per se.¡±
At this moment, I felt the urge to come clean. To tell him all I¡¯ve been going through. I figured if I was honest, then maybe he would keep me aboard.
¡°I¡¯m ok.¡± I said. ¡°I¡¯ve been meaning to¡¡±
¡°Are you available on the sixteenth of December?¡± he interjected.
¡°Sure.¡± I said.
¡°Good!¡± he said as a smile broke across his face. ¡°We¡¯re going to announce your promotion to partner at the Company Christmas party on the sixteenth. I wanted to let you know since you¡¯re pretty much the guest of honor so you can save the date. You¡¯re welcome to invite a loved one or two if you¡¯d like.¡±
¡°Really?¡± I said nervously then caught myself. ¡°I mean¡this really means a lot to me. Thank you very much. I¡¯ll be there.¡±
He then rose from his chair and extended his hand out to me.
¡°I look forward to many years working with you, Landyn.¡± he said. ¡°Thank you for all you¡¯ve done for us.¡±
¡°I¡¯m looking forward to it as well.¡± I said. ¡°My pleasure. I can¡¯t thank you enough.¡±
¡°No. Thank you, Landyn. You¡¯ve earned this.¡± he said. ¡°I plan on retiring in the next five years so I¡¯d really like to pass this knowledge and business off to you one day. That¡¯s the way I¡¯m looking at this, not just a promotion to partner. I believe you have what it takes to get this firm to an unprecedented level, maybe a big five one day.¡±
¡°I see big things for this firm as well.¡± I agreed. ¡°Just happy to contribute.¡±
¡°Okay, now will you get those engagements you¡¯re behind on done so I can review them?¡± he asked with a warm grin.
¡°Expect some work on your desk in a couple of days then.¡± I said. ¡°You asked for it.¡±
¡°Ha! Good talking to you, Landyn!¡±
¡°Likewise!¡± I said in disbelief as I watched him exit my office.
How was it possible Clyde didn¡¯t know about Jackson¡¯s wife and I if he knew my full name? Why hadn¡¯t Jackson pulled his account out from under our nose? Was he too prideful? Was he really lying? Then I remembered something, something his ego blinded him to. He thought my last name was Landman¡and that¡¯s why he didn¡¯t suspect it was me. To him, I was Landyn Landman, not Landyn Lastman. In fact, he may have thought my first name was Landman, and I was Landman Lastman.
Full of more hope than I had grown used to over the last two weeks, Anya sent me a text that only heightened my good feelings about us.
6:13 p.m.
¡°I thought of crawling in bed with you in my powder blue all day since u told me about the dream. I miss u, I love u.¡±
ME: ¡°I¡¯m glad you liked my dream! I¡¯d go crazy if that ever happened. I don¡¯t think I¡¯d be able to contain my desire. You¡¯re my true love. I miss u, I love u too.¡±
ANYA: ¡°Ur my true love too baby. I miss u so much. Your dream was sweet.¡±
ME: ¡°I¡¯m sure my missing u had a lot to do with me having that dream.¡±
ANYA: ¡°You won¡¯t believe it but my license was granted based on completion of my CEU¡¯s by 1/10/2009. The license came today! I¡¯ll never use it but at least I have it!¡±
ME: ¡°Wow! Congratulations! Good thing you started your CEU¡¯s when you did!¡±
ANYA: ¡°I know! Got lucky! I¡¯m relieved. Better go babe. Homework duty. Have a goodnight. I love you.¡±
Even though Anya¡¯s words about never using her license stung, it didn¡¯t surprise me one bit her license was granted as I felt the universe by my side, our side, the entire day. I wanted to share with her my news too, that my firm would announce my promotion to partner in a little over a month. I also wanted to give her peace of mind that her husband had no clue who I was, and all he had was a name his ego blinded him to. Again, all under the watchful eye of an entity we could not see, but only feel.
I believed we all met someone for a reason. I believe the reason I met Anya was to save her from heartache and to breathe life into her, so it could be reflected upon others. Love breeds love. I was not the type to date a married person. I wouldn¡¯t have fathomed this ever happening, but I decided to pay attention to my destiny after years of ignoring it, and when my fate came back into my life once more. I had to seize it, not only for a day, but for all the days of my life.
Anya was the one. She came in an unexpected package, but I believed we were made for each other. We belonged only to each other even as others stood in our way. As hope filled my heart beyond what I felt lately, I tussled with the idea of opening up to her about the return of my mother¡¯s cancer. The only reason I didn¡¯t is because my mother never made it seem serious enough to warrant me to discuss, but for some reason, it affected me greatly, as life was going to good for me to believe nothing bad was on the horizon. My mother had constant oncologist appointments since she was diagnosed with bone cancer, so I always figured they would catch it early enough. My mom didn¡¯t seem to be worried about it. Sure, she told me, but it was just like any other time she had told me. In the same breath, I acknowledged it had to be a little different, and odd that it was found in her lungs and liver. Her prognosis seemed good however based upon her attitude about it.
The next morning, I woke up to a text that sounded like a heart breaking.
8:22 a.m.
¡°I miss u so much.¡±
For the last eleven plus months, I had never received a morning text from her that omitted a good morning yet instead went right to how she felt, and it broke my heart to read. I knew how much ¡°we¡± meant to her, and I knew how much she meant to ¡°we¡±. We were one person. We felt the same heart ache, and as much as I didn¡¯t want her to hurt, even though this was a decision she made, it made me thankful she could not deny the Universe¡¯s plan in effect. To deny all she felt I believed would defy our destiny and fate, written in constellations, years ago by an entity who loved us even greater than we loved each other. I didn¡¯t know if it was God, but we were not in control of these feelings as much as we thought we were as I felt the Universe summoned us to love one another. To support one another. To care for one another. To always be there for one another. I wasn¡¯t going to disrupt what I knew was this ¡°all knowing¡± entity¡¯s plan for us. I believed in love for a reason and Anya came into my life to personify it, to give it meaning. To show the world, with love anything was possible. That it¡¯s all about love. Jackson may have been her current partner on earth, but I was her partner by the order of the heavens, the same dust that gave stars life, gave our love life as well. As long as she loved me, whenever she reached out for me in pain, regardless of our status here on earth, I would answer her call.
ME: ¡°I miss you very much too. R u going to the office today?¡±
ANYA: ¡°I am. What r u doing for lunch? I might be going to Wholefoods. It¡¯s on Barranca and Jamboree. Is that close to you?¡±
ME: ¡°I miss you so it¡¯s close enough.¡±
ANYA: ¡°Will you meet me there? 12:30?¡±
ME: ¡°12:30.¡±
ANYA: ¡°K. I¡¯ll text u before I leave my office. U know we can¡¯t have contact. Too many people in the business in Irvine.¡±
ME: ¡°Understood. Did you want to meet me somewhere else so we can be in private?¡±
ANYA: ¡°It¡¯s ok. Even if we don¡¯t get to be together at least I get to see u!¡±
Even though I would have loved to spend some alone time to her, I agreed, and at least I got to see her too.
She texted me at noon to tell me she would be at least fifteen minutes behind because her CEO wanted to have lunch with her, as she tried to ditch him. It made me wonder if Jackson had put him up to asking her to accompany him for lunch, to make her feel obligated if she had made plans with a suspected lover. I didn¡¯t know where Jackson himself was, but he could be anywhere, even waiting for her at the Wholefoods store we planned to meet at.
It seemed Wholefoods capitalized on the organic food market that seemed to be rising in popularity. I couldn¡¯t tell you if the tomato soups I had were organic or not, but it seemed the way to go. How would have thought back in the eighties when we were being taught about the vegetable and fruit food groups, which we believed to be wholly healthy, had to be organic to truly be so, or so they wanted us to believe. As I stood in the Wholefoods market and waited for Anya, I noticed healthy living cost more than unhealthy living, as I began to see why so many people ended up with Cancer or other diseases. People couldn¡¯t afford to stay healthy if they wanted to.
This particular store had to be the darling of the chain, as they could have changed the name to Immaculate Foods and wouldn¡¯t have missed a beat. They had all different kinds of choices, so many I didn¡¯t know how I would¡¯ve been able to make up my mind, but I could see Anya and I coming here for lunch and even dinner if we were together. I even started to dream of grocery shopping with her and how we could incorporate certain foods into our fantasies with each other. As I walked around the store truly astonished by its offerings, I spotted her in the wine section, and I approached her with caution.
¡°What are you doing here?¡± I asked as I resisted the urge to hug her.
¡°What took you so long?¡± she joked.
¡°I thought you were running behind?¡±
¡®I was able to escape.¡± she said. ¡°I miss you.¡±
¡°I miss you too.¡± I said as I got lost in her eyes.
¡°I love you.¡± She whispered through a smile.
¡°I love you. Too.¡±
I got mesmerized by Anya¡¯s perfect hair that flowed across a white top at her shoulders. The color of her hair as it laid against her top made it that much harder for me not to kiss her. Her eyes shone as they never left mine, as if it didn¡¯t matter if Jackson, or anyone else saw us together, the feeling she always gave me whenever we were together. It was when she went home that I struggled as she got sucked into the lives of her kids. She then said something that made me take a step back to reassess.
¡°I¡¯m sorry.¡± she said.
I just nodded as I tried to ignore the pain the word brought to me.
¡°I¡¯m truly sorry.¡± she repeated.
I wasn¡¯t ready to say it was ¡°Ok¡± as I became paralyzed by her sudden apology. What could I tell her? She allowed someone to fall deeply in love with her. She asked him to do the things he needed to do to be with him. Told him the only reason she was still there because she felt no one would want any part of her children. I showed her she was wrong on all counts. She tried to tell me I couldn¡¯t be real, and all I did was prove that I was. She told me she could see us with a child. She told me she wanted to wear my ring, then decided she needed time away to figure things out. This only led me to question her intentions and her love, but times like this, times like yesterday made me believe in her. Made me believe she was going to do the right thing. I didn¡¯t want to hear ¡°I¡¯m sorry.¡± I wanted to hear her say ¡°I know¡±. No more indecision. No more time to figure things out. Just the time is here to be together. I could wait until this coming June though, when my promotion to partner went into effect, and then I would feel more comfortable with my strong feelings about why I didn¡¯t want to hear ¡°I¡¯m sorry¡± from her.
Anya was a broken person, and before I met her I was broken too. I thought we were good for each other and I believed the unseen entity that united us did as well. We did not meet by accident. I truly believed Anya and I were the type of people who would never consider a relationship of this nature. She loved her kids way too much. I was raised to be respectful and considerate of the relationships of others, but I knew her pain intimately. I saw how women went for the wrong men, and I watched how disrespectful males were then they got the women they wanted and it made me bitter. I even considered being a jerk to women, and maybe in hindsight if I had been an asshole to Anya, she would have nothing to figure out and be with me, but that wasn¡¯t who I was nor would I ever be. I didn¡¯t accept I was a ¡°nice¡± guy but rather a ¡°respectful¡± one, but not to people who abused others. To know the woman who stood divinely before me loved me enough to make this stop in her busy day to see me, gave me all the ammunition I needed to sweep her away from a man who held on in an attempt to save his own face.
How I would have loved to snatch her hand, grabbed a cart and go down each and every aisle with her. To learn more about her and to learn from her as I never felt more alive in a grocery store in my life. As I stood in Wholefoods, in front of my destiny, I imagined how infinitely better my life was with Anya in it, and I realized I couldn¡¯t respond to her sorry because it would be admitting I would lose her and my life would never be better than this very moment before me. Her beauty even inspired me to tell her I played guitar, although very poorly, as I could tell it surprised her I did, but I loved to write and thought she might not be surprised to learn I liked to write songs too. This simple time together however was the greatest day and the saddest day all in one, and when she left me, to head back home to pick up her kids from school, and to get ready for homework duty, to get back to the fa?ade of her marriage, I felt sapped of the energy source she was, almost as if I would never see her again, as she went out into the world, so others could be around her energy and beauty, and as I headed back to work in a complete fog, I came to the realization I probably couldn¡¯t see her in the afternoon anymore until she figured things out as I felt empty and worthless when she left me for another life she had that kept me from having the life I wished for.
As I headed out and back to the office lost in my longing for her, before I started my car to leave the store¡¯s vast parking lot, she sent me a text.
1:30 p.m.
¡°I love this place!¡±
ME: ¡°There is nothing that grocery store doesn¡¯t have. I love it too. It¡¯s the best! Thanks for meeting me there.¡±
ANYA: ¡°It is babe! Thank u for meeting me. I miss u.¡±
ME: ¡°Yep. I miss u too.¡±
My mood went from extreme happiness upon seeing her to extreme sadness upon leaving her as she left me bipolar; a manic depressant, but I had to fight through it if I believed in our love. And I did as I believed she would find a way to figure this out so we could be together. Even when it led me to question her intentions at times, I still trusted her to love me. That was the one thing I felt safe in, her need for me. It has proven true, like the stars you can¡¯t see in a day sky, she struggled without me in her life as I felt an obligation even in great emotional agony, to not let her down, to not set her up for her kids to find her out. I had to fight through these manic episodes I began to have every time she left me; my need for her greater than ever before.
An hour later, while I sat at my office desk, with my door closed and stared outside the office window at the life below me, Anya sent me another text.
2:36 p.m.
¡°I so wanted to kiss you today! Just leaving the office!¡±
ME: ¡°I really wanted to kiss you too but¡Have a safe drive home.¡±
ANYA: ¡°I love you.¡±
I sat on her ¡°I love you¡± text and stared at it. I knew she did. Her love for me wasn¡¯t in question. I just wished she was brave enough to take the next step. The next step toward redemption and truth with at least a promise. That¡¯s all I wanted from her. Something I could hold on to and believe in. I realized without a promise from her, I was in limbo and incapacitated; paralyzed. My focus, my drive, my ambition seemed to die when I did inside. When I began to miss her, I couldn¡¯t shake it. I just sat and stared, wondered and dreamt as I pleaded with the Universe to not bring me this far for nothing. That all I felt, the sacrifices I made in my personal life, a life no longer recognizable, was for no reason at all. That there was not a reason for everything, and not a heartache that leaves you wanting to exit life. That left you completely incapable of experiencing deep breaths with someone else. That left you only wanting to be by yourself if you couldn¡¯t be with the only one who loves you.
About forty-five minutes later, I texted Anya ¡°I love you¡± in return which set off a flurry of texts from her.
3:30 p.m.
¡°I¡¯m sure you wonder why I can¡¯t make a decision. I know u feel like u would do anything to be with me and if I felt the way you do I would make the decision to be with you.¡±
3:32 p.m.
¡°When I saw you today I just wanted to be in your arms. I miss you so much and love you. The difference between you and me is that I have kids. It¡¯s a wonder how big that is.¡±
3:34 p.m.
¡°I wanted to kiss you and hold you freely. I wanted to sit down and have lunch freely with you. I¡¯m so torn. It¡¯s torture for me. I miss you so much but I get drawn in, kids.¡±
I loved she was open with me about how she felt as I appreciated her empathetic side whenever it made an appearance. In all fairness, she didn¡¯t know how much her indecision was eating me up alive, bit by bit, but I wasn¡¯t going to cry and pout even though inside I felt that way. I respected the fact she was torn because I wouldn¡¯t have had much respect for her if she could turn her back on them. As much as this hurt to read, I loved and respected her sense of obligation to her kids. My problem was when we began our relationship, she convinced me this wouldn¡¯t be an issue. If I had known, it would take a lot more than just someone being there for her to leave and our happiness would be pitted up against her kids, I would have never gotten involved, or if I did, would have no one to blame but myself. I¡¯m not insinuating Anya tricked me, but I believed she discounted the gravitational pull that was our love for each other, that it was so great, her kids would not be affected and made to understand over time. I didn¡¯t understand how her current indecision could exist unless there was something about her love for me that was not on par with mine. It didn¡¯t mean she didn¡¯t love me, it just meant she led me to believe a lot of things that encouraged and allowed me to fall in love with her without any fear of what I now experienced. I believed though, if she trusted in my love for her, and listened to her true self, which showed up every time she scheduled a time to meet me somewhere in the middle of her busy day, she would see us together as the best thing to do. Although a part of me reasoned I should cut off all contact, I believed her suffering would be intolerable, and the kids would be witness to it. I couldn¡¯t pull away. I cared about her more than I cared about my emotional anguish. I just had to fight through this, I had to push myself through the flames to the cool breeze on the other side.
ME: ¡°Babe, don¡¯t feel bad b/c u can¡¯t make a decision now. What r u going to do? Shake them u before the holidays? How fair would that be to them? My hope is this, and maybe you¡¯ll never see this. I just feel if you were truly happy that this would be reflected upon your kids, and I think as great as a mom as you already are, I think you would be an even better mom if you were truly happy. That¡¯s just the way I feel. I know you love me babe. That¡¯s not a doubt and I understand why you¡¯re unable to do the things that I can do to show you how much I love you. You didn¡¯t need to explain babe.¡±
ANYA: ¡°Thank u, babe. It was hard. I want so much to kiss you. It was a natural feeling. I love you, Landyn.¡±
ME: ¡°We¡¯re in the same boat. On the same team. Living the same dream. I love you too.¡±
Her indecision did bother me but at the same time, I loved her so much and looked upon her ¡°indecision¡± as an opportunity to show her how much I cared about her. I had to go blind and see things through her eyes. After eleven months, I couldn¡¯t stomach the thought of her staying with Jackson. I knew too much and felt too much to think otherwise. He was no good and his emotional and mental abuse drove her down this path, and at the very least she needed to acknowledge he brought out the worst on her, not the best in her. She needed to extricate herself from him one day, and if I wasn¡¯t willing to suffer, she would be inclined to stay with him, her true tormentor. She told me if there were no kids involved she would have been gone, and if she truly felt that way, he¡¯s not the one for her to be with. A huge part of me hoped Jackson would contact me, whether in person or on the phone. After he confronted her, I imagined all the things I¡¯d say to him if he ever did. I wanted to tell him that his time was over. That he had his chance but cared of himself over her instead. In the name of love and all that was good, all that was worthy of believing in, I was here now to protect her, to fight for her honor and to love her.
That evening, Anya never sent me a goodnight text, and it stung. I began to replay the day in my head and the text exchanges we had. I was a mess after I left the store today, and I was absolutely useless when I returned to the office. I began to painfully realize I needed to withdraw myself from seeing her in public and on my lunch hour. It was too mentally debilitating. For the first time, I felt like a loser, unable to freely interact with the woman I loved. As if I had a huge crush on a girl who just thought I was cute. If I couldn¡¯t show my love for her or vice versa, then I couldn¡¯t put myself in those situations with her anymore if they only left me in a bipolar mood. Then again, I was tired, I had a lot on my mind with the stress of falling behind on my work yet again and the unknown variable regarding my mother¡¯s illness, as I felt the world was crashing down upon me as I probably made a big deal about a missing ¡°goodnight¡± text from someone who I already knew loved me.
When the morning arrived and I awoke on very little sleep, I knew the day was going to be a difficult one for me mentally based on my reaction from her morning text.
8:04 a.m.
Ensure your favorite authors get the support they deserve. Read this novel on Royal Road.
¡°Good morning! Happy Friday!¡±
How could she possibly think today would be a ¡°happy¡± one regardless of it being a Friday? We weren¡¯t going to see each other as we made no future plans to do so. Happy Fridays didn¡¯t exist anymore, they were just Fridays now as my mind oozed with sadness.
ME: ¡°Good morning! Happy Friday! Sounds like you¡¯re in good spirits today!¡±
ANYA: ¡°How do you know I¡¯m in good spirits?¡±
ME: ¡°Your punctuation! I¡¯m on to you!¡±
ANYA: ¡°Don¡¯t let the exclamation marks fool you! JK!¡±
ME: ¡°Ha! Busy day babe?¡±
ANYA: ¡°Home office today since I wasted all my time doing secretarial work yesterday! At least the letters are out! Have a great day babe! I love you!¡±
ME: ¡°Please do the same! Love you too!¡±
I didn¡¯t want her to feel unhappy, I just needed some assurance the sadness I felt was justified. I admired her attempt to think positive through another hard day for both of us as the missing tore us both to pieces. When I didn¡¯t hear from her during my lunch break, I texted her to see how her day was going and she told me it was going well. I then sent her a text to tell her ¡°I miss u¡±. Like the random sweet ones she used to send to me, but I never heard back from her; bizarre. I began to think since she didn¡¯t contact me during lunch that she had made up her mind about us, and didn¡¯t know how to tell me. For some reason, I just didn¡¯t feel the love from her on this day as once again I lost my focus at work. As another hour passed and no response, I decided I couldn¡¯t wait for fate and reached out to her about it.
3:17 p.m.
¡°Huh?¡±
Her ¡°huh?¡± response annoyed me, as I felt how could you ¡°huh?¡± a text message? It¡¯s written out, plain as day. You can reread it to gain understanding as I didn¡¯t leave anything open for interpretation as her response left me to feel she was playing games with my emotions.
ME: ¡°I sent you a text earlier and thought maybe it got intercepted.¡±
ANYA: ¡°What did u say?¡±
ME: ¡°I miss you.¡±
ANYA: ¡°I miss you too, but what did the message say.¡±
ME: ¡°It said ¡°I miss you¡±! Haha!¡±
ANYA: ¡°Oh! Haha! I replied to that though.¡±
ME: ¡°Really? I never got it. Did you say anything else?¡±
ANYA: ¡°I said I miss you too and that I¡¯m going to be so close to your place tonight.¡±
ME: ¡°I¡¯m so sorry! I never received it babe.¡±
ANYA: ¡°No worries. I love you. I smile when I think about yesterday. We¡¯d do anything to sneak a peek and say hi!¡±
ME: ¡°I always love seeing you, babe. It doesn¡¯t matter. I love you too.¡±
ANYA: ¡°I¡¯m going to be in Bloomingdales shopping around 6:45 w/Carolyn. Dinner reservation is at 7:30 at Charlie Palmers which is connected to Bloomingdales. Can I text u later to let you know where I will be?¡±
ME: ¡°Sure! Text me later!¡±
I thought I may be able to run to the mall to see her, like the one time when she was there with Katie at Abercrombie & Fitch. It would mean the world to me to just be able to see her even for a few minutes. Just something to make the Friday night go a little smoother emotionally. I was just having a hard time getting my mind back into my work when I saw her for intervals in the afternoon.
An hour later I received a call from her that threatened my chance at seeing her.
6:10 p.m.
¡°Call me.¡±
Whenever I received a text like this I always expected the worst as it reminded me of the time we were at Sonomas and her friend made a scene that threatened the end of our relationship. I then mustered up the strength to comply with her demand.
¡°Hi babe.¡± she said as she picked up the phone.
¡°Hey Sweetheart.¡± I said with hesitance in my voice. ¡°Are you at the mall?¡±
¡°I am. Do you think it¡¯s ok if I come by and visit you at your place?¡±
I was in complete shock when she asked me as it was not on my mind as a possibility. Since I didn¡¯t expect to see her, I would have to get cleaned up shaved and showered.
¡°Yes! What time do you want to come by?¡±
¡°Is a half hour okay/¡±
¡°See you in a half hour!¡±
¡°Great! I love you!¡±
¡°I love you!¡±
Up against the clock, I got ready to shave and jump in the shower, but in my haste, I cut myself shaving. Whenever I did that, the bleeding never seemed to cease. After I finished my shower, the blood from the cut continued to ruin my evening. By the time Anya arrived, I succumbed to the certainty I would have a small piece of tissue hanging from my face, but something funny happened on my way to the gate to meet her, the bleedings stopped. A small and subtle, yet another sign the universe was on at least my side.
As I let Anya in, it seemed I hadn¡¯t seen her in months. Her surprise visit meant a lot to me after I had a hard day without her, after I missed her so much after our meeting at Wholefoods, the first time I took notice of these manic depressant episodes I had. As the joy I experienced when we were together heightened while the sadness during the times we spent apart intensified as well. There was no in between, no middle ground and no balance in emotions. It was either one extreme or the other as the schism between them widened further each day.
Her visit was sweet and meant the world to me, even if it was only for a half hour as her love for me was on full display. She came to my place in high heels which made me fantasize about her dream in a living room chair, but I refrained as the mere thought aroused me. The attire she chose to wear seemed to reach a whole new level in beauty, as I took her in when she got inside my apartment.
¡°Were you just checking me out?¡± she asked as she turned around and caught me in her beauty.
¡°You caught me red handed.¡±
¡°I never thought you checked me out.¡±
¡°I always check you out! I¡¯m just suave about it.¡±
¡°Suave? Or sneaky?¡±
¡°You can throw a little sneaky in there if you wish.¡±
She then came into my arms, her huge smile and beautiful face in tow and fed her lips to me. We just stood in my apartment, my living room area in particular where we danced, where we fell for each other over and over again, as we kissed for the next thirty minutes. No small talk. No breaths. Just living off one another as we merged into one person. Although her visit was brief, and she hit me with a party she attended the following evening, it was especially hard to watch pure beauty leave me. The thirty minutes felt like we spent the day together as it gave me more hope than ever she would soon promise me one day for us to be together.
When she returned to the mall and before she sat down with Carolyn for dinner, she sent me a text.
7:04 p.m.
¡°Thank you! I love you!¡±
I responded back to thank her and to let her know she could come by on short notice any time she wanted in the hope I¡¯d get to see her more often if these opportunities presented themselves. I¡¯d give her a key if she wanted it. That¡¯s how much I trusted and missed her. My place was her place.
As I prepared myself for bed, now that I took my human dose of valium, she sent me a late text.
11:02 p.m.
¡°Just finished dinner. Can you call me?¡±
¡°I miss you¡± she said as she answered the phone.
¡°I miss you too, babe. Can¡¯t thank you enough for stopping by. Such a great surprise!¡±
¡°Thank you for letting me visit you! I miss you so much, babe. You have no idea. I am so in love with you. I really miss our closeness.¡±
¡°I know the feeling. I feel the same way.¡± I said. ¡°If you ever feel like coming over just let me know. I¡¯ll always want to see you.¡±
¡°I hurt my ankle again running.¡±
¡°Oh babe. I¡¯m sorry to hear that. When did you hurt it?¡±
¡°Last week. I haven¡¯t been running, just riding the bike.¡±
¡°You seemed okay to me when you came by earlier. I wish I could take care of your ankle for you.¡± I said. ¡°I dream of being able to do things like that for you if we were together. I¡¯d carry you around. You might find me a pain in the ass but you¡¯re my girl and I would love to do things like that for you. Speaking of ankles, how is Katie¡¯s holding up?¡±
¡°Her ankle is healing¡babe I have to go.¡±
¡°Ok.¡± I said as she abruptly hung up the phone.
I wanted to let her know she didn¡¯t have to call me back as it was late but never got the chance to, but while I wondered what happened, she returned my call.
¡°I¡¯m sorry babe, Andrew just called me so I had to hang up to take his call.¡±
¡°Is he okay?¡±
¡°He¡¯s fine. Just wondering when I was coming home.¡±
I began to believe Jackson asked Andrew to ¡°call mom¡±. Although Andrew could very well want to know when she was coming home. If Jackson knew about her visiting me instead of staying with Katie at her friend¡¯s bat mitzvah, then I wouldn¡¯t have put this past him. I knew it was a Friday night, but Andrew was ten years old. Shouldn¡¯t he have been in bed past eleven p.m.? If Jackson were to call her, he might be on even thinner ice, so it made sense he would use the kids to learn of her whereabouts, but it also led me to further dislike him because of the tactics he chose to utilize as it provided me with more evidence of a marriage that lacked trust and respect, as it should. Even as I pondered these things, I really hoped I was wrong about him using the kids to exert emotional control over her.
¡°He knows you¡¯re on your way home now, doesn¡¯t he?¡±
¡°Oh, yes. I told him.¡± she confirmed. ¡°What are you up to?¡±
¡°I¡¯m just here pondering some things in my life.¡±
¡°Like what? Us?¡± she asked.
I had to catch myself as I worried she might believe I was having second thoughts about us, and after the momentum I had built and the great time we both just had, I didn¡¯t want to give her that impression, so I decided to come clean about something I hadn¡¯t told her yet.
¡°Actually, it¡¯s my mom.¡±
¡°What¡¯s wrong with your mom?¡±
¡°The doctor told her that the cancer has spread to her liver and her lungs.¡± I revealed.
¡°Oh my God, I¡¯m so sorry.¡± she said in a very somber tone.
¡°I think they caught it early though babe.¡± I said. ¡°She¡¯s starting chemotherapy next week. Her prognosis is good the doctors told her.¡±
¡°I see.¡± she said as it seemed she didn¡¯t fully accept the positive outlook for some reason. ¡°Your family is in my thoughts and prayers.¡±
¡°Thank you.¡± I said. ¡°I appreciate that. I¡¯ve been wanting to share that with you but didn¡¯t want to distract you from your children. I probably would have kept it from you, but I didn¡¯t want you to think I was worried about us. I know your heart is in the right place. Babe. Your visit tonight. Your phone calls. It meant a lot to me.¡±
¡°I love you.¡±
¡°I know you do. I love you too.¡±
When I got off the phone with Anya, after a night full of love and happiness, my heart began to ache for her like never before as I wondered when I would see her again. The hardest part of our relationship was the unknown variable that brought upon the intense longing to not be alone anymore. Even if I were truly single, I now loved her, and I wasn¡¯t the type of person to jump into another relationship when I felt so much for someone else. The only way I could ever get over Anya would be to hate her, and I knew no matter what she did to me short of death, that would never happen, and who knows, even if she tried to kill me I¡¯d probably forgive her for it.
When Anya got home she sent me another text, a late one I always loved to receive.
11:53 p.m.
¡°Goodnight babe. I love you so much.¡±
ME: ¡°I love you very much. Goodnight, Beautiful.¡±
ANYA: ¡°I still blush when you say that.¡±
ME: ¡°Every time I¡¯m with you babe I¡¯m in the presence of true beauty. I feel so lucky every time. Thank you for loving me. I love you forever.¡±
ANYA: ¡°Awww babe. You¡¯re so sweet. Thank you for loving me. I love you forever.¡±
I tried not to think ahead to her party the next evening as I basked in her love, when she left the mall to come and see me. I¡¯m thankful Carolyn understood as well what we felt for each other and allowed it to happen before dinner, at a time they usually went shopping. The selfless part of Anya, the true part of her when she couldn¡¯t deny the need for me. When she paid attention to the reason we met, the reason she approached me. The reason she allowed me into her life. It was a very sweet thing she did for me on this night and something I would never forget. I always wanted to love her and not have any ill feelings when I come across bouts of frustration. I tried not to tell her about my mother, but Anya was my best friend. If I couldn¡¯t share that with her, there was no one I could share it with. I don¡¯t want to make her feel bad for what she is doing. I¡¯m going to be there for her when she stumbled, whenever she fell I¡¯m going to catch her. I believed she was doing the right thing for now, even as I felt I deserved at least a promise. It¡¯s all I wanted right now, just a promise to leave, as I felt after all we¡¯ve shared it would be the right thing to do so it would make me feel more secure about her love for me. With that safety, I felt there was no threat of pressure from me, and no further need to convince her to choose the light of the truth. It would also undoubtedly help with the missing on my end knowing the day will come when I could tell her I do with my own vows I would write especially for her so she knew I would always honor and cherish her even beyond death.
The next morning, Anya sent me a text that captured all I felt.
8:20 a.m.
¡°Good morning. Haven¡¯t stopped thinking about you. I miss you.¡±
I woke up that morning with a sense of uneasiness, a strange unsettled feeling, and I didn¡¯t know why as it left me nauseated. I began to conclude the more I saw her, the more I longed for her, and every positive step towards us gave me immense hope she would promise to be with me. After Jackson confronted her about who I was, regardless if he thought my last name was Landman, there was now zero trust in her marriage. He had someone follow her, and quite possibly someone she didn¡¯t even know, a complete stranger. How could she still consider staying in a marriage where your spouse taps or bugs your phone line? A spouse who asked his own children to make a call to mom to see where she was? If I thought her staying was a big mistake before Jackson¡¯s reveal, it would now indeed be tragic if she stayed. This was officially no longer a marriage as my frustration and pain had me in contemplation of contacting Jackson myself to let him off the hook. To let him know phone tapping and private investigators were no longer needed. I hated to be a part of this lie, and I never thought she would ever allow me to be a part of it, but I only temporarily agreed to it until she figured things out, and I believed in her love enough to believe she would see all I did, that even her kids wouldn¡¯t be enough to blind her to the truth she now faced, whether she wanted to or not.
After I exchanged my mutual feelings with her, I texted her later that morning to see how she was doing, but she was at her son¡¯s soccer game in San Juan Capistrano. Later that afternoon however, she caught up with me.
3:07 p.m.
¡°I miss you. I loved it when our faces touched last night.¡±
As I read her text, I wondered why should she should be denied such a simple thing in life after being betrayed several times? My heart ached for her further to have simple things in her life such as this.
ME: ¡°I wish I could still feel your face against mine. I miss you too.¡±
ANYA: ¡°I love you babe. What r u up to?¡±
ME: ¡°I¡¯m thinking about moving my big screen television into my room and getting a new one for the living room. How did Andrew¡¯s soccer team do? Are you home?¡±
ANYA: ¡°Yes back from San Juan. They won! Taking my sewing machine in to get fixed cuz Andrew and his business partner want to ¡°sew¡± new wallets. The things I do¡¡±
ME: ¡°Just doing the things all good moms do! I think that¡¯s very sweet of you.¡±
As I read her text, I thought of my mom, and the things she would do for me. The time she got me the electric football game for Christmas, on the same day I asked for it, and all the times she bought me a whole box of baseball cards in the summer. Anya ¡°mommed¡± like my mother ¡°mommed¡± and it made me more upset with Jackson¡¯s philandering and the manner in which he confronted her about it in an attempt to gain control and to end her happiness.
ANYA: ¡°Thanks babe. It¡¯s part of my job description! Well they are working on using new material. Though I think the whole thing is a big ¡°lemonade stand¡±. I have to support him. Learning opportunity.¡±
ME: ¡°I¡¯m sure even Bill Gates started somewhere babe. Even with a ¡°lemonade stand¡± venture of some kind. I think I¡¯m going to go work out before I set up my television.¡±
ANYA: ¡°Ur good! Ur so disciplined! I admire that about you.¡±
ME: ¡°Ha! I try to be!¡±
I tried to work out as often as I could. I worked out even more than before as I felt I needed to be perfect and consistent in my routine to make her decision harder than it would be than if I were to just let myself go.
About twenty-five minutes later, she shot me a sweet text that encouraged me to dream even more than I did about us.
4:25 p.m.
¡°Air Supply is playing in Feb at the OC Performing Arts Center.¡±
I didn¡¯t know how to respond because I didn¡¯t want to make her feel bad about our current status, but there was no holding back how I felt.
ME: ¡°I wish I could see them with you.¡±
ANYA: ¡°I know. Me too.¡±
For the next thirty minutes, there was nothing but a sad acknowledged silence, one that embraced our current separation and the distance that seemed to widen between us as Anya tried to find a balance with the next text she sent me.
5:22 p.m.
¡°I love you forever.¡±
All I could do was respond to her text in kind to meet her without the knowledge but with the fear of our future together. At six minutes after eight on a Saturday evening, she sent me a good night text followed by an ¡°I love you babe¡±, and I never felt more fear of losing her as the missing intensified on this night.
I knew I wouldn¡¯t sleep much through the night as I rarely went to bed early on the weekends anyway. I decided to clean a dresser drawer of mine as I pulled out a lot of old photos of better happier times in my life with friends. The guy who used to be me, a person I could hardly recognize, as I even felt disgusted when I looked at him. I began to wonder if I ever knew who I really was until I met Anya as I realized over the last eleven months, through her, I learned who I truly was, and what I believed to be destined for, and I couldn¡¯t fathom for a second my fate through love was my complete self-destruction. That all the love I felt would not lead to life, but instead to death. I then stumbled upon a book, a girl I dated for two months gave me during Christmas time, ¡°The Alchemist¡± by Paulo Coelho. It was just one of those books that stayed with me and although things never worked out with the girl I dated, it was a very sweet gift, and before I met Anya the best gift a girl had ever given me. I enjoyed the book and many of the words written as my discovery and the book¡¯s message came at a desperate time for both Anya and I myself as I began to read some of the book¡¯s best passages.
¡°It¡¯s this: that at a certain point in our lives, we lose control of what¡¯s happening to us, and our lives become controlled by fate. That¡¯s the world¡¯s greatest lie.¡±
¡°Tell your heart that the fear of suffering is worse than the suffering itself. And that no heart has ever suffered when it goes in search of its dreams, because every second of the search is a second¡¯s encounter with God and with eternity.¡±
¡°There¡¯s only one thing that makes a dream impossible to achieve: the fear of failure.¡±
¡°It¡¯s the possibility of having a dream come true that makes life interesting.¡±
¡°Everyone seems to have a clear idea of how other people should lead their lives, but none about his or her own.¡±
¡°That¡¯s what alchemists do. They show that, when we strive to become better than we are, everything around us becomes better, too.¡±
An alchemist is defined as someone who transforms or creates something through a seemingly magical process. Anya and I were both alchemists in our own right, as we made something out of nothing, our love. As I read through the book to passages I highlighted when I read the book years ago, I thought Anya and I needed to remember these things. Especially how important our dream of being together one day was, and to strive for something better than we were as everything around us would become better, too. This was the way I felt about her situation. That if she chose the dream, the path of honesty, she would become a better person, even a better mother, as everything around her would become better to. We had to find a way to return to the alchemy that brought us here to keep our dream alive, and somehow believe and not only wish that we could attend an Air Supply concert together one day.
Upon my discovery of these passages, I also found an elixir for a good night¡¯s rest within them. I then sent a text to ask Anya if she ever read the book when the new day arrived.
10:03 a.m.
¡°Good morning. It was on our book club list but have not read it. Katie has. I miss u babe.¡±
When I sent Anya my good morning text, I included an exclamation point after ¡°morning¡± so it was impossible for me not to notice an exclamation point was missing from her morning salutation. I could tell she had a hard time for some reason as I worried if Jackson had another talk with her.
ME: ¡°I really enjoyed it. I found it last night cleaning my dresser out. How was the party? How r u?¡±
ANYA: ¡°I¡¯m good. Just missing u. Party was ok. How r u?¡±
ME: ¡°I¡¯m good. Just missing you too.¡±
I felt Anya¡¯s pain as it was simple to do when you felt the same thing. She texted me later that morning to see what I was up to, and I got my hopes up that maybe she would want to meet for tea however ¡°sufficing her missing¡± was not on her schedule as she had work to do around the house, particularly in Katie¡¯s bedroom. She also told me Carolyn reminded her that she did read ¡°The Alchemist¡± in their book club but she claimed to have missed that meeting. She then told me she was certain she had the book in her library and would check it out when she got the chance to as I hoped if she did read it, a passage would resonate inside of her enough to see the good in our dream. Later that afternoon, I received a text from her that unknowingly helped me get through a lonely day without her.
3:18 p.m.
¡°Thinking of u.¡±
ME: ¡°Thank you, Sweetheart. I¡¯m thinking of u too. I miss you, Beautiful.¡±
ANYA: ¡°I miss you too.¡±
ME: ¡°¡± Don¡¯t give in to your fears. If you do, you won¡¯t be able to talk to your heart.¡± That¡¯s a passage from ¡°The Alchemist¡± babe. ¡°Remember that wherever your heart is, there you will find your treasure.¡±, ¡°The simple things are also the most extraordinary things, and only the wise can see them.¡±, ¡°One is loved because one is loved. No reason is needed for loving¡±. Those are some more passages from the book.¡±
ANYA: ¡°That¡¯s so beautiful. That¡¯s so us. I¡¯m going to read it. I love you forever.¡±
ME: ¡°I think you¡¯ll enjoy it babe. I think you were meant to read it now instead of reading when your book club did. I love you forever.¡±
As I ended our textversation, I realized for the first time there was a reason we met people in our lives, why I met the girl I dated, another relationship that yet again didn¡¯t work out for me; so she could gift me ¡°The Alchemist¡± so I could use it one day to help save my relationship with Anya, the woman I was meant to be with especially inspired by the passage ¡°And, when you want something all the universe conspires in helping you to achieve it.¡±
With the positive thoughts flowing from ¡°The Alchemist¡± passages I read, I texted Anya to see how she was doing, and her response was quick and to the point.
7:38 p.m.
¡°Sorry out to dinner w/kids.¡±
I tried to not let her response get me down, but it did. I had put my heart and soul into loving her, something she allowed and encouraged me to do. She wanted to hear everything and asked for me not to hold back. With Denise, it was the opposite. She didn¡¯t want to hear anything and I learned why months later; that she didn¡¯t love me. It made me question why Anya wanted to hear these things. Did she want to hear them because she loved me? Or did she want to hear them because she knew she was married and wasn¡¯t technically with me? This created a blur in my heart. No question I loved her, but it began to feel maybe she loved with no restraint because I knew she was married, and she felt I should know we couldn¡¯t be together. The more I thought about this possibility, the more anguish I began to feel about our situation. This situation I was told would change if she fell in love with me. A situation that would be non-existent regardless of the kids she informed me of, now seventeen months ago, well before she agreed to the terms of our relationship. I gave her time though. She wasn¡¯t ready. She didn¡¯t have to leave now, and I didn¡¯t want her to until my promotion was in place and secure, but if she truly loved me, wouldn¡¯t she at least give me a promise? She knew I loved her. She knew I was loyal to her regardless of the status of our relationship. Did she think by not making me a promise I would take the freedom to date other women after all I shared with her? I wasn¡¯t her husband who took that liberty in their marriage, and even if I had all the options in the world, I would choose her. If I had a choice between Raquel Welch in her prime and Anya, I would choose Anya over and over again. All I felt was that deep. She was my hero as much as I was hers. All I did was return the favor, but I felt maybe I was the antagonist. The man who wanted to hurt her children because I wanted to be with the woman I loved who also wanted to wear my ring? Did she feel any responsibility to me after all I did for her? I understood her plight and the concern she had for her kids, but how could she think so negatively? If Jackson was not as well off as he was, would she be gone? It seemed Jackson¡¯s money is what kept her there. Not the kids and that was my greatest fear when I first met her, and she knew that. I voiced it. She told me money and things didn¡¯t lead to happiness. Nothing was impossible. Kids are resilient. Divorces happened all the time. She would rather die than never have me in her life. She needed me like she needed air. Please don¡¯t leave me. How come I couldn¡¯t hold her to those words yet I could only hold her to her words ¡°I told you I couldn¡¯t promise anything¡±? I began to feel by not at least making a promise to be together one day that all these things she told me that encouraged my love to grow for her, were not true, and that scared me to death because it could lead me there.
I then began to think about the time she told me she didn¡¯t expect to fall in love. I wanted to ask her ¡°then what were you expecting¡±? Just a sexual relationship even when we spoke of love. about love. and connected through it the very first night we met? Why wouldn¡¯t she tell me about the strong ties to her neighborhood; that her and Jackson wanted to keep the appearances up of a happy perfect neighborhood couple? The problems her kids faced if she divorced? Her employees¡¯ dependence on their company and how a divorce would take them out of a job? What her friends and family would think about her if she divorced Jackson? Her devotion to the Jewish temple, Jackson¡¯s religion, and her congregation? Why omit these things? And if you love me so much to feel it necessary to omit them, then why not make at least a promise? If she didn¡¯t expect to fall in love, after she knew it was all I was about the very first night I met her, then did she just expect a fling since her husband did the same? As these negative thoughts began to gain steam, my mood again went from hope to hopelessness as I felt the bipolar shift, as if the ice caps melted in my world and drowned all the positive living thoughts I needed to help me breathe.
I found myself in a corner. If I said anything to defend myself, I would be applying pressure. I had to ask myself a real hard question once again; where¡¯s the real pressure if you want to be with someone? If you want to wear their ring? Why couldn¡¯t I hold her to these words but could hold her to words such as ¡°I need space to figure things out.¡±. I knew she truly loved her kids and cared about them but why did she allow me to be so close to her, enough to even share their lives with me that made me fall in love with them too? I¡¯d love to be her friend, to be there for her through this hard time, but I never started off as her friend. How could I go to just being a friend when I¡¯ve shared every part of myself, even my soul, with her? At the same time, I couldn¡¯t deny the sweetness of Friday night. How I felt so close to her, I shared my mother¡¯s condition with her because she knew me so intimately. Then I thought about how much she cared for me, the look in her eyes whenever we were together, and it¡¯s easy to trust in her love. It¡¯s when she is away now that I struggle so much, as I didn¡¯t know what direction she was being pulled in. I knew when she¡¯s with me what her destination is, but whenever she departed I felt in the dark. Friday night was a prime example of her love for me. Anytime she could get away or is near, she always found a way to reach me. And who knows? Maybe she worried about me seeing me with another girl, like Diane Lane¡¯s character did in ¡°Unfaithful¡± when she saw her lover with someone else, and it drove her to the point of madness. I could tell she was sad on this morning about something. She did something tonight she is not too thrilled about doing. After this flood of negativity washed over me, I found something positive to grasp on to that made me realize the failure of my past relationships latched me down at times where I could look at things the wrong way. All I wanted was to be with the one who wanted to be with me. The one who wanted to wear my ring. Why was this so difficult to have? Wouldn¡¯t most people have this by now, or at least a promise? I guess I just missed her.
I decided to not send her a goodnight text as I didn¡¯t hear from her the rest of the night. When Monday morning came, the tenth day of November, I began to feel more like the disease and not the cure, one she needed to eradicate as I didn¡¯t hear from her once again. As the afternoon I arrived, I thought she might send a text, but it never came, and when my work day had reached it end, I felt so did our relationship. That all the negative thoughts I harbored the night before came to fruition. My entire work day went to waste, unable to concentrate. As I got in my car to go home, I decided after dinner I would shut off my phone and go to bed to not deal with the horrific emotions I carried, but before I could start my car to begin my drive home, she reached me.
5:17 p.m.
¡°Hope you¡¯re ok. Been reading ¡°The Alchemist¡±.¡±
Anya had texted me ¡°I love you¡± countless times over the last eleven months, but this descript ¡°I love you¡± text meant more to me on one of the absolute toughest days of my life as it brought me to tears.
ME: ¡°I¡¯m ok, babe. How r u? Do you like the book?¡±
ANYA: ¡°I¡¯m ok. Can¡¯t tell. Trying to get into it. Only on page 35. Will try to finish it tonight.¡±
ME: ¡°Oh wow, you think you can finish it tonight?¡±
ANYA: ¡°I said I¡¯ll try. It seems like an easy read.¡±
After a hard night and day, Anya¡¯s snippy ¡°I said I¡¯ll try¡± brought me back down to the cold earth. I figured I would wish her a preemptive goodnight and just end our conversation there and not set myself up for any more heartache I couldn¡¯t afford to feel.
ME: ¡°Well, I hope you can finish it tonight if you can. I¡¯ll let you go so you can read. Have a goodnight babe.¡±
I then put my phone away, and began to drive home, but five minutes before I got home, about twenty minutes later, she texted me again. I refused to look at my phone right away as I figured she just wished me a goodnight too, but I was way off when I finally did.
5:42 p.m.
¡°What r u up to?¡±
ME: ¡°I didn¡¯t sleep very well last night so I plan on just going to bed. I take it you¡¯re out running the kids around and on homework duty tonight?
ANYA: ¡°No. Not tonight. I¡¯m alone. I¡¯m at the S and S Hotel. Been crying all day. Came here to clear my head and listen to the waves. Maybe an ¡°old wise man¡± of my own will appear. JK. I¡¯m ok.¡±
The sum of all the times I shared with Anya still could not equate to the significance of this text I just received from her. She is staying at the same hotel we stayed in Laguna Beach together, with a book I told her about and with tears that fell because she missed me. I couldn¡¯t believe what I read as it resembled the closest thing to a promise I could receive from her and along with it, it appeared she also did the right thing and left Jackson.
ME: ¡°Babe. Why didn¡¯t you tell me earlier? Are you okay? I¡¯m really worried about you.¡±
ANYA: ¡°Yes. Just need to clear my head.¡±
I decided not to respond to her text but to answer it in the most profound way I could. There are moments in life you had to seize. They were few and far between, but when they came you had to bring energy to them to produce movement; movement toward your dreams. This was my chance to prove my love to her, and I had to reach her, the way she reached for me. I just couldn¡¯t allow her to live this way anymore, and even though I believed Jackson would be there as well, to fight for what he believed in too, the time arrived for me to confront my own fate and destiny as Anya¡¯s own life weighed in the balance.
CHAPTER 20 ~ ALL OF WHY
¡°A good heart is better than all the heads in the world.¡±
~ Robert Bulwer-Lytton
As I drove to meet my destiny, I realized everything was on the line tonight. Everything I sacrificed over the last eleven months, all the focus on my career and work I seemed to lose, all the night I spent alone writing and worrying about the unknown all came down to this. There was a part of me that feared she might refuse to answer the door as she chose a hotel room over my apartment if she truly left Jackson and wanted to see or be with me? Did she want to just be alone and away from me, just as much as him, so she could clear her head? Did Jackson still have a chance because he held an emotional edge over me due to their children? At the same time, I couldn¡¯t fathom what there was left to salvage in her marriage or to believe in. She chose to stay in the same hotel room we stayed together in almost six months ago. She also chose to bring the book I implored her to read. She cried all day because she only had those things, and not me. Her text told me ¡°I love you forever¡±, more than any text she sent me with those same words ever could. For eleven months, I waited for this moment and here it was. A chance to see if I could get a promise from her. Just a promise for now. Something so I could focus on work again. Something to inspire me to get through the day. Something I could grasp so I didn¡¯t feel the need to pressure her. Whether she kept it or not, at least she loved me enough to make it. This wasn¡¯t about loving her kids. This was about loving herself, enough to know she mattered too, and she loved them enough to know an honest life wouldn¡¯t allow her to lie to them nor place the burden of her unhappiness upon them anymore. As long as she stayed in her loveless, respectless, dishonest marriage, then the security of her kid¡¯s environment would always be threatened.
When I arrived at the hotel¡¯s entrance, I sent her a text to let her know I was downstairs as I kept an eye out for Jackson¡¯s probable arrival. I even prepared myself to stay down there all night if I had to, until I heard from her, as I feared she may have fallen asleep from the emotional exhaustion. However, I received a response from her in less than two minutes.
7:10 p.m.
¡°Meet me at Sprinkles bar. I¡¯ll be down in 5 minutes.¡±
It seemed she wasn¡¯t excited to see me or maybe she was just worried Jackson could show and she didn¡¯t want any confrontation, a conversation with him I was not opposed to having. I had a lot I wanted to say to him I had built up over the last eleven months, as a part of me wanted to bring him back down to earth. At the same time though, I knew the timing was not right as I felt I had to secure the promotion first, so if I did confront him, he would definitely know it was Landyn Landman, and not Landyn Lastman, who his wife loved.
I decided to sit in a booth at the hotel bar, Sprinkles, before she came down. This particular hotel bar had a fire place and a large panoramic window that showcased the beach the hotel rested on along with a moon that shone brightly on the lively water. As I waited for Anya, I watched the night surf and the waves as I couldn¡¯t think of a more romantic place to be considering the precariousness of the situation before us. I wanted to give her the space she needed, but she cried all day. I couldn¡¯t stay at home knowing that as I felt she needed me more than ever; only further evidence that with or without me in her life, she¡¯d still be distracted.
When she appeared at the bar¡¯s entrance, like it did many times whenever I saw her, my heart seemed to fall out of rhythm. I thought this could go either way, but when she saw me and a smile broke upon her face, I knew I did the right thing. She then collapsed in my arms and although no one was in the bar, if the place was packed she would¡¯ve done the same thing. I wanted to hold her as long as possible because I could see in her eyes the hard day she had.
¡°Hi babe.¡± she said as she saw me. ¡°I think you should know, my husband could show up here at any time tonight.¡±
¡°That¡¯s okay, Sweetheart. I came here knowing that.¡± I said. ¡°I accept the consequences of all my actions. I didn¡¯t get involved without considering that possibility was likely one day, but I needed to be here for you, and that outweighs me caring if he walks through that door. I love you forever.¡±
¡°I love you forever.¡± she said as her eyes looked upon me with all the trust and wonder in the world. ¡°Can we have a glass of wine, babe?¡±
¡°Anything you want.¡± I said as she moved into me and grabbed my hand.
When we reached the bar, and met the bartender to order, she leaned over it and smiled broadly in my direction as her wavy dark hair hung delicately in front of her. I couldn¡¯t help but laugh as she suddenly became lively and giddy, indifferent to what could happen.
¡°I¡¯m so mad.¡± she said.
¡°Why babe?¡±
¡°I forgot my brush. I left it at home.¡±
¡°I don¡¯t think you need it.¡± I said as I ran my hand through her hair and felt the side of her face gently. ¡°Your hair looks beautiful tonight, babe.¡±
Her eyes perked up as they seemed to be less tired as she laughed at my acceptance of her apparent natural hair style. After we each received our glass of cabernet, we sat inside a booth with the panoramic window before us, the same one I initially sat down in as our glasses then met and we each took a sip with our eyes on each other. She then moved closer to me and put her legs up on my lap. The first time she had ever done so, let alone in a public place, and I held her close to me still worried about the tears that fell all day, and all that drove her here.
¡°Isn¡¯t this the coolest bar?¡± she said.
¡°I love Sprinkles.¡± I said lost in her eyes.
¡°Look babe, you can see the waves.¡±
¡°I didn¡¯t come here to see the waves.¡± I told her as I continued to get lost in her and began to rub her leg gently. ¡°I love you.¡±
¡°I love you.¡± she said as her lips met mine.
We kissed for about ten seconds before we returned to the reason we both were here together. I wanted to ask her if she left Jackson, but I didn¡¯t want to push the issue. If she did, I was certain she would tell me, but one thing I knew for sure without even asking; this was one step closer to her choosing the truth over a lie.
¡°Katie and I got into a huge fight on Saturday night.¡± she revealed.
¡°I¡¯m sorry.¡± I said as I began to gently run her back. ¡°I could tell something was wrong yesterday.¡±
¡°You could tell?¡±
¡°I didn¡¯t know what it was, but yeah I could tell something wasn¡¯t right.¡± I said. ¡°You didn¡¯t seem like yourself.¡±
¡°It was a hard evening.¡± she stated. ¡°It didn¡¯t help much when my husband was hounding me all day too.¡±
¡°What do you mean? What was he doing?¡±
¡°He watched me constantly. Kept asking questions about you. He asked me if my friends knew you.¡± she said. ¡°I told him, ¡°you act like you know him or something. You don¡¯t know him at all. I need my space¡±.¡±
¡°I see.¡± I said. ¡°Do you think he¡¯ll divorce you?¡±
¡°He won¡¯t if he thinks we¡¯re just having an affair.¡± she said. ¡°But if he knows I love you, then he probably would.¡±
An unannounced visit from Jackson was a real possibility as I prepared for the event internally. He didn¡¯t trust her so why continue to hold on? Wasn¡¯t trust the foundation of any relationship, business of otherwise, especially a marriage? He only held on to make Anya look bad. To get his revenge on her for being with another man. Well, she wasn¡¯t just with another man, but rather in love with another man. I mean, why wait Jackson? Why don¡¯t you just do it now? Or would that defeat the purpose now because she might be happy in life, and we couldn¡¯t have that could we? So, let¡¯s bring her to the point where she looks terrible in front of her children. She doesn¡¯t love you, Jackson. She loves another. You had our chance for fifteen years. Why not allow her to have happiness?
When she told me Jackson hounded her all day, and Katie and her had an argument, I felt awful for all the negative thoughts I had over the last two days. If I couldn¡¯t imagine what she went through at home on a daily basis, I had a real good picture of it now. Just when I thought I couldn¡¯t be more disgusted by her husband, she hit me with other things I didn¡¯t know.
¡°If we ever got married, would you ever shove cake in my face?¡± she asked out of the blue.
¡°No.¡± I said.
¡°Why not?¡±
¡°Because I wouldn¡¯t want you to shove cake in mine!¡± I laughed. ¡°I would rather guests at our wedding see something other than a pie in the face act.¡±
¡°Thank you.¡± she said. ¡°My husband did that to me at our wedding and I didn¡¯t like it.¡±
¡°I understand how that could make you feel.¡± I said as I considered it was a sign of things to come by the way he treated his marriage as a big joke with his infidelities.
¡°Did I ever tell you I had a breast augmentation done?¡± she revealed.
¡°You did? How long ago?¡±
¡°About seven years ago.¡±
¡°Was it about the same time he was running around on you?¡±
¡°Yes.¡±
When Anya told me this story, I could see how his mental abuse of her carried itself over to her physical self as she felt unattractive by something I was certain she should¡¯ve never felt unattractive about as she strived to be one of the women he went after so he would choose to be loyal to her, all based on the superficial.
¡°If I were your husband, and you considered having that procedure done, I wouldn¡¯t have allowed you to.¡± I said. ¡°I believe a part of you did that because of the way he has made you feel about yourself over the years. That you weren¡¯t good enough for him; that you had to be perfect when you were already perfect.¡±
¡°It was my choice.¡± she said. ¡°but my past experiences with him did lead me to get the augmentation. And when I did get it¡he was disappointed.¡±
¡°Disappointed? Why?¡±
¡°He told me I should have gotten them bigger.¡± she said. ¡°not to mention he was unsympathetic during my recovery.¡±
¡°You¡¯re joking, right?¡±
¡°No.¡± she said as her eyes seemed to be distant and focused on another time. ¡°About six years ago, we went on a cruise together and I wasn¡¯t feeling good to go out one night. I felt too ill to go out with the group. I thought he would stay with me, but he didn¡¯t and left me to hang out with his friends.¡±
All I could do was look at her and hold her hand, as she tightened her hold on mine with each thing she shared. I didn¡¯t know what to say as I wished more and more with each story she told me that Jackson would walk in to see us there.
¡°He always makes sure I look good when we go out to client dinners and events.¡± she said. ¡°Not that I would ever attend one looking bad, but it¡¯s an obsession with him.¡±
I then looked at her and asked her for a favor as the ¡°trophy wife¡± aspect I long suspected appeared to be true.
"He even told me one time he would trade me in for two twenty year olds when I turned forty." She further elaborated.
¡°Anya, I need to ask you for a favor.¡± I said.
¡°Sure babe.¡±
¡°It¡¯s not that I don¡¯t care, but please don¡¯t tell me anymore.¡± I said. ¡°I¡¯m already disgusted by all the things he has put you through. I already dislike him enough as your husband, and I don¡¯t want to dislike him as a human being too. I just don¡¯t want to pressure you to leave more than I already have because when you tell me these things, it makes me not understand why you¡¯re still there.¡±
Anya opened up to me in a way that validated all I fought for. Why I pressured her at times. As her best friend and lover, I could not allow her to stay with this man. The mental and emotional abuse of her was even worse than I thought, and it confused me even more why she stayed. All for the love of her kids who had no clue what their father had done to their mother. She opened up to me like never before, as I never felt closer to her than this moment. My heart broke for her, as if I was the one emotionally and mentally abused, I just felt that much. I felt she had an obligation as a parent to teach her kids, this is not how you treat a woman, let alone one you made your wife. People divorced for a lot less than Anya stayed for as I couldn¡¯t believe he had done even worse things to her on top of the infidelities. As she told me these stories, with all the love and trust in the world in her eyes, I reasoned it was doubtful I ever could ever feel more for another human being on this planet. I wanted to make things right for her. I wanted to show her she was always deserving of love. That she deserved to be honored and cherished even beyond the grave. Her love for her children, in the midst of such great emotional and mental anguish, was beyond any mother could possibly love her children, as it upset me people on the outside looking in would be critical of her. My only criticism of Anya was now she had someone who would be there for her, who would make sure she would be loved the way she deserved, and she still felt stuck. I knew though if I pressured her, she would remain that way, as I felt if I played it cool, trusted in all she told me, she would detach herself from the true tragedy; her loveless marriage.
She then looked at me and nodded after my request.
¡°I told him I need my space.¡± she said.
¡°You know babe, they say one of the sure signs that someone is cheating is they will ask for space.¡± I warned. ¡°This might make him even more crazy.¡±
¡°Well, then you know I¡¯m not cheating on you.¡± she said as her eyes met mine. ¡°because I never want my space from you.¡±
¡°I never want my space from you either.¡± I said as I leaned in to kiss her.
She then rubbed her finger along the side of my hand and I got lost in the moment and that began to unleash all I felt inside about what she told me.
¡°I hate to say this, and I don¡¯t say this in the sense of him being a father to Katie and Andrew.¡± I said. ¡°So please don¡¯t think what I¡¯m going to say out of context.¡±
¡°Okay, babe.¡±
¡°I want to hear more but I don¡¯t want to dislike him anymore than I already do, not because I don¡¯t want to hear it because I know it helps you, but I really, really, really dislike the man.¡±
¡°He¡¯s not a bad person¡¡±
¡°No Anya. Stop it.¡± I said. ¡°He may not be a bad person, but he¡¯s not a good person either. The days of you making excuses for his behavior are over, babe. I don¡¯t want you to do that ever again.¡±
¡°Yes, love.¡± she said. ¡°I think about how Lance and I even got together. You are so perfect for me and you¡¯ve only made me see how he wasn¡¯t perfect for me at all.¡±
¡°You¡¯re the greatest thing on this earth to me.¡±
¡°Would you come up to my room? I know you can¡¯t spend the night because you work tomorrow, but I would love to hang with you upstairs for a little bit.¡±
¡°Is this a trick question?¡±
As she put her head into my chest and we finished off our glass of wine, we soon found ourselves in an empty elevator as it made its way up to our destiny. As we rode the elevator, we began to devour each other as we tore our clothes off of each other before we even made it inside her room. Once inside, with a closeness like no other I had felt before, we fell onto her bed caught in unbridled passion. The entire day I found myself lost in sadness and total darkness, not on the opposite spectrum of extremes, it all felt like a dream as I could hear the waves pound the shore below is, reunited for a night in Laguna Beach once again. I felt scared but less afraid than I usually did about making love to her as we both couldn¡¯t help not to as I didn¡¯t prepare for the evening to go in this direction. The look in her eyes when I entered her, and the soft ¡°I love you¡± she whispered through moans while inside of her, made me lose myself as I couldn¡¯t extricate myself from the unreasonable. that would be even worse if she were pregnant. The passion denied me of reason though as I came and barely pulled away in time to save us. After we made love she fell asleep in my arms as her eyes screamed exhaustion. We both fell asleep for a couple of hours before she awoke me at midnight.
¡°Babe¡you got to get home. You work tomorrow.¡±
¡°I¡¯ll be okay babe. I don¡¯t sleep much anyway.¡±
¡°Landyn, I don¡¯t want to be the reason you miss work or you¡¯re tired all day.¡± she said as she kissed me. ¡°I¡¯m okay now.¡±
¡°Are you sure?¡± I asked. ¡°I want to make sure no more tears fall down your beautiful face. I¡¯ll be up all night anyway if I left and knew you were crying. I still feel bad about the night my phone died on you.¡±
¡°I¡¯m fine, babe.¡± she said. ¡°I¡¯m not going to cry anymore. I¡¯m happy again.¡±
¡°Are you sure?¡± I said as I kissed her again and massaged her scalp.
¡°I promise.¡± she said.
I then extended my pinky out to her like we used to when we planned to avoid any negativity when she visited, and when she met mine and laughed, I knew she would be.
Even though I was hesitant to leave, and I really wouldn¡¯t have, I felt maybe she wanted to call home and let her kids know she was okay, so I didn¡¯t push the issue. As badly as I wanted to talk with Jackson, as I remembered the last time we were in Laguna Beach together I found myself on the balcony ledge, I also wanted to postpone any conversation until after my promotion in June so even though I hated to leave her, I felt maybe it was the best thing to do.
About forty-five minutes later after I returned home, she sent me a text.
1:47 a.m.
¡°Thank u! Goodnight. I love you forever.¡±
After I received her text, I was still unable to fall asleep as the adrenaline I felt from the evening ran through me as I figured on this night, she figured it out. That she could no longer deny she needed me in her life. That I was indeed, perfect for her. That we were both perfect for each other. That she knew whenever she needed me, I would be there for her even if she didn¡¯t ask me to. That even if we went on a cruise together and she was sick, she knew I¡¯d stay with her instead of my friends. She blossomed for me like never before as it left me with the feeling she would promise to be with me one day, all I needed to get my life back on track so I felt the security I needed to not pressure her in any way. After all she shared with me, I felt we would be together soon.
That night I had a strange dream. I was walking on a street and all of a sudden, a hawk appeared and landed on my left arm. I looked at the hawk but its face was looking in the direction of the horizon. Then, on my right hand, a chameleon appeared. I then watched for the hawk to notice as I feared it would attack it, but it never looked in its direction as it kept its focus on the horizon. I then came upon a tree and brought my hand up to a branch so the chameleon could climb off my arm, but he never really did as I moved him onto the branch myself. I then continued to walk forward on the road, but this time when I looked at the hawk it looked right back at me as its eyes never left mine. Out of fear it would soon attack me, I woke up and stared into the early morning darkness of my room as I wondered what the dream could have possibly meant. A hawk and a chameleon? I chose to keep the hawk? Why? Before I could figure it out, and while I contemplated going to work on this day as all I wanted to do was daydream about the unreal event that took place just five hours earlier, I received a text from Anya.
6:33 a.m.
¡°Good morning! On page 120! Hard to believe last night actually happened! Hope u got some sleep. Thank u for coming down. I guess I needed you and I didn¡¯t know it.¡±
ME: ¡°Wow! You¡¯re almost done with the book! I¡¯m lying in bed right now still thinking about it. It all felt like a dream. I¡¯m contemplating not going in to work today. I¡¯m taking Friday off anyway.¡±
ANYA: ¡°If u call in I¡¯d feel partly responsible. Didn¡¯t know u were taking Friday off. Last night was perfect. Thank you for being there for me. Leaving soon.¡±
ME: ¡°It wouldn¡¯t be your fault at all. You didn¡¯t ask me to come see you. I chose to. Seems like they designed Sprinkles with us in mind. Thank you for opening up to me and I¡¯m sorry you had such a hard day on Sunday. Just remember you¡¯re my best friend. You mean a lot to me and I don¡¯t want to see you hurting or struggling so please talk to me when you feel the need to. I want to be there for you.¡±
ANYA: ¡°You¡¯re my hero.¡±
When she said she didn¡¯t know she needed me, it brought me back to when I asked her to listen to herself, because if she did, and not only consider outside forces, she would figure things out. What more evidence did she need to know her marriage was over? Even as a biased party, if she were just a friend and I had nothing to gain, but I knew the truth, I¡¯d advise her to do the same thing. She told me she never left Jackson because she had no one there for her, so I understood fear kept her from leaving him. Fear she would have to rely on herself, so I stepped in to offer her the security and hand she needed, and when she still lacked the courage, how could I not wonder that maybe this wasn¡¯t a lack of courage, but a lack of love? That she only tried to convince herself she was in love with me, but not truly in love with me? I just didn¡¯t understand how her fear could still exist after I gave her all she needed to leave him, but last night provided me with enough evidence of her love as fear never appeared in my presence, even in the great likelihood Jackson could show up. It never stopped her from meeting me down at Sprinkles. It never stopped her from opening up to me like she never had before. It never stopped her from asking me up to her room, and it never stopped her from making love to me with the greatest amount of trust she ever showed me. It never even stopped her from calling me her hero the next morning as love replaced fear, as with love, fear was extinct.
ME: ¡°I¡¯m starting to feel a little better now. I think I¡¯ll go into work. It¡¯s Veteran¡¯s Day so traffic should be light. What r u up to today?¡±
ANYA: ¡°Ok good! Andrew wants to go to the skate park today so that¡¯s my day.¡±
ME: ¡°Please enjoy your day with him. You want to hear something funny. I prepared myself to stay downstairs all night if you never responded to my text. They even had really nice bench with pillows outside too!¡±
ANYA: ¡°U prepared yourself to be outside all night? Too funny! By 10 they would have come over and said ¡°dude I think she stood u up and I have to take the cushions in.¡±
ME: ¡°Haha! No doubt! Oh well, I would have. I was really worried about you so I guess that¡¯s part of the deal when you have a man like me in your life. I wouldn¡¯t have been able to fall asleep at home anyway.¡±
ANYA: ¡°Aw babe. Thanks again. As tired as I was it was hard to say goodbye. I¡¯m listening to the waves right now. So peaceful. Have a good day! I love you!¡±
ME: ¡°Ok babe. Have a good day too! Love you mucho!¡±
An hour into my workday I realized coming into the office was not the best of ideas, as most of my staff were at the offices of our other clients. I got so bored, I decided to ¡°google¡± what seeing a hawk in a dream meant as I learned it was sign of a blessing and a good message to come my way. Filled with renewed vigor and hope, I ran with it as I caught up on much of the work I had fallen behind on, but just as I began to feel a real sense of accomplishment, Anya sent me a text that challenged all of my momentum.
1
1:13 a.m.
¡°I¡¯m so mad at myself. Sorry I was playing w/fire. According to my calendar I was ovulating yesterday! I was so stupid! I¡¯m sure it¡¯s fine but irresponsible!¡±
ME: ¡°Babe, please don¡¯t blame yourself. That¡¯s my fault and I need to be more mindful of that.¡±
ANYA: ¡°I feel awful about it.¡±
ME: ¡°Please don¡¯t, babe. I feel awful I put you in that position. I¡¯m sorry. Personally, I don¡¯t think you have anything to worry about. It was a close call but I made it out of there.¡±
ANYA: ¡°I¡¯m sure it¡¯s fine but can¡¯t help freaking out.¡±
ME: ¡°I think you¡¯ll be fine. Hard to put a stop to such a beautiful moment for us.¡±
ANYA: ¡°It was babe. I took ¡°the morning after¡± pill. Have to take another tonight.¡±
ME: ¡°I¡¯m sorry.¡±
ANYA: ¡°It¡¯s ok. It¡¯s really my fault. I was irresponsible. I loved everything about last night.¡±
ME: ¡°I did too, especially that moment, but in all fairness to you¡I showed up unexpectedly and put you in that position so please don¡¯t feel like it¡¯s all your fault. I remember every little detail about last night.¡±
ANYA: ¡°Ok we¡¯ll split the blame! I do too! Remember how tired I was and I couldn¡¯t keep my eyes open?¡±
ME: ¡°I do. Do you remember how you tried to fall asleep and I wouldn¡¯t let you?¡±
ANYA: ¡°Haha! Yes, I do!¡±
ME: ¡°See! This is all on me.¡±
A part of me didn¡¯t want her to be pregnant only because of her kids, a bad example for them to see, and I wanted them to see their mother in the best possible light if they were to find out about our ¡°situation¡±, but the biggest part of me wanted her to be the mother of my child. For her to be pregnant, after such a beautiful perfect evening together, I wanted my child to be born in, unlike the way I came into the world, with trepidation and uncertainty. I¡¯m not saying my father never loved my mother, but I¡¯m certain an abortion was considered, and I didn¡¯t want my child to ever feel the way I did. I guess I just wanted him or her to know they were created at the most beautiful time; a true blessing, and never a regret. The way my father treated me at times, he made it seem like I ruined his life in some way. I just didn¡¯t want my children to feel that way even when we disagreed about something. I wanted them to feel from day one that they were wanted. I couldn¡¯t think of a better situation, one created on a perfect night of love, hope and passion, for my child to be conceived in. I also didn¡¯t blame Anya for taking the ¡°morning after¡± pill because of the example it would set for her children if she was pregnant. But pregnant or not, after such a beautiful night together, after all she shared and all we experienced, a true microcosm of our entire eleven months together on one night, I felt she now had all she needed to figure things out as by her actions, she could no longer deny the beauty of our relationship regardless of her children.
Later that evening, Anya sent me her goodnight text earlier than usual.
Enjoying this book? Seek out the original to ensure the author gets credit.
8:08 p.m.
¡°Going to bed early tonight. I have to wait another hour to take the second pill. I¡¯m glad you showed up last night. I had a blast even at the bar hanging w/u. The night was perfect. We have good energy. Thanks again for an amazing night. Have a goodnight babe. I love you.¡±
Her text warmed my heart, and was what I needed to see from her. Although they were rare, the best dreams I had, were the ones I found myself in a relationship with a woman who played the part of my girlfriend. These dreams always included someone I had never met before in person, but I had intense feelings of happiness and joy when I was with them. Then I would wake up to face reality, shocked to learn my dream was just that; a dream, but the entire day I¡¯d get lost in it, as if it did happen. With Anya, it felt just like those dreams I had each time we were together, but I woke up to them, and I could touch her and kiss her, even as it felt unreal. For the last eleven months, I honestly lived a dream. A dream I didn¡¯t want to wake up from. A dream I felt could be a reality to the end of my living days. If I ever found myself in search of a sign if I truly loved someone or not, if it felt like the happiest dream each time I was with that person, there was no doubt in my mind I was head over heels in love with them. I didn¡¯t know if it was realistic for all relationships to feel that way, but if it ever did, I believed those were the ones you fought for. I wasn¡¯t fighting for Anya to leave her family behind, I was fighting for her and I to have the kind of special, ¡°no doubt about it¡±, love we had. It wasn¡¯t just any kind of love here, which perplexed me even more, but this was the kind of love dreams were made of. I don¡¯t know how many people on this planet could say it feels like they¡¯re dreaming whenever they are with the one they love. To me, that¡¯s the kind of love Anya should show her kids that exists for them, and not the ¡°love¡± she had with Jackson. I didn¡¯t know if her love for me was a product of the circumstances, but it still couldn¡¯t minimize the magnitude of all we¡¯ve felt and shared already.
If I didn¡¯t believe it before the night she left home for Laguna Beach, I surely believed it now that her marriage would never be the same again from this day forward. Jackson would now stalk her every move, as I didn¡¯t understand if he had known for over a year, what took him so long to finally care? I believed now he finally was beginning to come around to the fact this wasn¡¯t just an affair or a fling; that this was indeed, love. That his wife truly loved another, and that his money, he thought alone was enough to keep her, was now less of a factor in her decision. He confronted her. He stalked her. He watched her. He wanted to instill a sense of fear in her, but Jackson was too ignorant to know that love knew no fear, as she brought herself closer to me than ever before. As an ocean moved and a moon shone in our eyes, Anya revealed things about her husband I always suspected about his mental and emotional abusive ways. The time he left her alone on a cruise ship, as she felt ill, so she couldn¡¯t ruin his time to hang with his friends. But far worse than that, his emotionally abusive ways made her feel compelled enough to get a breast augmentation with the secret hope it would change his disloyal ways. I now knew her self-esteem issues stemmed from him, and they were deep wounds, because Anya was as beautiful a woman in this world as they came. There was no way a woman of her elegance, class, grace and style should have been made to feel inferior to, of all people, her husband. Anya was an extraordinary woman in my eyes, a natural beauty inside and out, a woman I had never been so taken by. A woman I would rather die than never have in my life.
I felt bad she had to take the morning after pill, but I also took solace in the fact we loved each other. Anya loved kids and she fantasized about having one with me, and I felt the same way, but I would have only wanted one with her. All I wanted was just one child. Her talk about how we would feed wedding cake to each other was as hopeful a sign for us than I received from her in a long time. I loved the fact she thought about a simple detail of our wedding and was fearless enough to bring it up.
I bargained with the universe. If this wouldn¡¯t hurt her kids, to find a way for us to truly be one. To give Anya the strength to do the right thing. I couldn¡¯t fathom two people, who weren¡¯t more meant for each other, that weren¡¯t together, than her and I. Two tormented, fractured souls that longed for the love we found in each other. We needed each other even when we didn¡¯t know each other. How could this all possibly be just a dream, and never meant to fall under a touch. I couldn¡¯t take another thing away from myself I wasn¡¯t meant to have, especially after the events of the previous night. All I wanted to do was take good care of her heart, the way she has done for me. I didn¡¯t ask for much in life, at least anything I wasn¡¯t willing to work really hard for, so I couldn¡¯t understand how this could be denied to me, to us, when I knew it would work out beautifully if given. When she put her legs on my lap and started to let her feeling flow freely, I instantly envisioned many nights like this together at home, on a spacious couch, enjoying what we had in each other, on just a small portion of it. How could we both be denied something so beautiful, and yet so simple? I really hoped to marry her by at least the year two thousand ten, two years from this time. I knew I¡¯d have to pay for our wedding, for pretty much everything, because I couldn¡¯t expect her family to after they probably spent a fortune on her first wedding. I wanted her to have a nice ring she could wear proudly every day, and wanted to travel with her to all the places we dreamed of going together for our honeymoon, from Paris and my proposal under a lighted Eiffel Tower, to Tahiti and Costa Rica, and to even just simple Seattle. Any place I visited with her would feel like heaven anyway.
As much sorrow as I felt for myself, after last night, I never felt so much sorrow for another person. To endure all she did, and to have people judge her all because she had the audacity to push an escape from her mental and emotional abuser made me absolutely sick to my stomach. I felt no one, without any knowledge of her plight, the knowledge she gave only to me, had a right to judge her. People did things for a reason, whether wrong or right. Anya wanted to make sure she would never be hurt the way she was by anyone again but she had to be cautious to be certain, with kids involved, and that¡¯s why I understood the time she needed, better than ever before. As her hero, in order to save her, I had to suffer, to strap her cross on my back and give her the time she needed. At this time, I didn¡¯t feel nearly as sad for myself as I did for her, and I felt ashamed I ever thought she manipulated and duped me into falling in love with her. I learned the night before how much she truly and dearly loved me, and I wanted to apologize to her for not having love in my life long enough to know it well enough to never question her. She represented everything I ever wanted from someone who wanted to wear my ring. I blamed Jackson for all of what her and I both felt, and no one else. He allowed her to go out to bars with girlfriends and didn¡¯t stop her. As a husband, when he didn¡¯t honor nor cherish her, then this is what happened. This curse, as my mom stated in one of the Bible¡¯s passages, he brought upon himself by his abusive actions, and I intended to suffer for her until his grip completely loosened, until he faced the same doubts and uncertainty about himself, the way he left her to feel.
What I lost over the years, just the pure goodness in life, I found again through Anya. I never thought I could feel this way again about life, like when I was a kid and looked forward to the next day, with so much wonder and excitement, everyday a sunny one spent outside. If I didn¡¯t end up with Anya, I knew I¡¯d hurt for a long time, and I could never open my heart again this way; to show someone the beauty that existed inside of me. I would hope the Universe knew I had a lot of love reserved inside and I wanted to give it to her because she deserved it after all she went through over the years. She would never be the same person again, and I believed Jackson knew this more than ever. The woman he married no longer existed. Jackson would now never receive anything he hoped to gain from her, because she has experienced goodness in its purest form, our love. He could try, but after our night together, his effort would be fruitless. All I had to do was be patient, and watch it unfold. I felt I made my mistakes in judgment with Anya and have learned from them. All I had to do now was be supportive and she would come to me. Although it would be difficult to sit on the sidelines and watch it play out, I knew she loved me, and not Jackson, as she tried to avoid him daily. He treated her like a possession; a trophy he toted around with him on business dinners to give his political and business aspirations validity. It made my heart good to know our love, and her reason for me being in her life, was completely justified. I thought back to his ¡°I¡¯ll trade you in for two twenty year olds when you turn forty¡± wisecrack and his ¡°I would lose an arm¡± speech, fifteen years after he cheated on her, and it disgusted me a human being like him even existed, especially when I contemplated about the times he cheated she probably didn¡¯t know about. Certainly, there had to be a few instances. Any couldn¡¯t have known everything. Didn¡¯t he care about possibly bringing a disease back home to his wife? He now knew though there was someone in his backyard. Someone who must know something about him enough to stay in his backyard. That there was someone else who had things to offer her other than money. All I had to do now was wait until the moment came, the day Jackson would learn who was in his backyard all this time.
8:18 a.m.
¡°Good morning! How r u?¡±
Her morning text was a nice surprise as I told her I was good and then asked how she was doing, but I didn¡¯t hear back from her for over an hour. Her silence reminded me she was now back home, back to her reality, and it made me wish she was back at the hotel, away from the life that kept her away from me.
9:33 a.m.
¡°Sorry was in kickboxing. I¡¯m ok. I did sleep well. Did u? Those pills wiped me out! Hard recovery from such a beautiful night at S&S.¡±
ME: ¡°It truly was a beautiful night. The best dream ever and it wasn¡¯t even a dream.¡±
ANYA: ¡°It did feel like a dream. I envy those lovers in love who have it every day.¡±
I wanted to tell her she could have the same things those lovers did, in fact it was the reason I¡¯m in her life, but I didn¡¯t; afraid to pressure then lose her to fear.
ME: ¡°Do you have to take the pills again today?¡±
ANYA: ¡°No, the pills are done. You only have to take them twice.¡±
ME: ¡°What r u up to today? Working?¡±
ANYA: ¡°Working and studying at home. Busy day?¡±
ME: ¡°What are you studying? It¡¯s actually a light day at work for me.¡±
ANYA: ¡°Oh that¡¯s nice. Studying nursing stuff. Have to take a test after each course.¡±
ME: ¡°Oh, I thought you already took all the CEU¡¯s you needed?¡±
ANYA: ¡°No babe. Still working on it. It takes a while to get thru.¡±
ME: ¡°Oh, I see! Ok, well I don¡¯t want to keep you. Have a good day! Love you!¡±
ANYA: ¡°You too! I love you!¡±
When she told me, she didn¡¯t think she would ever go back and use her license, I thought she would forgo taking the continuing education credits, but the fact she still did gave me hope she considered using them after all now that Jackson watched her every move. After the beauty of our night together in Laguna Beach, she could leave home at any time, especially if she was pregnant with our child, and the pills didn¡¯t work.
Later that afternoon, I texted her to see how her day was going, as I hoped to hear she was pregnant.
1:35 p.m.
¡°R u missing me baby? I¡¯m missing u! It¡¯s going well. Urs? How¡¯s ur day?¡±
I didn¡¯t tell her I missed her in my initial text, but instantly regretted I had if she wondered. It was truly beyond missing at this point for me as I longed for her more than ever before.
ME: ¡°Of course I miss you babe. Our beautiful night together is still fresh.¡±
ANYA: ¡°I miss you like crazy! Hard to stop thinking about Monday night. I¡¯m thankful we had that time together. It just felt so natural and comfortable. It was fun! I love you!¡±
The beauty of Monday night was all I could think of as I fell further behind on my work. I didn¡¯t miss any deadlines, but I came awfully close to doing so, too close for comfort. Even though she now gave me a greater reason to fight for her, it tore me apart to know she was back home, in the realm of the unknown variable, as my mind liked to twist my heart into considering possibilities I didn¡¯t want to believe in. Just two days ago, she gave me every reason why I ever believed in us, and I had to think about all she revealed and why she did, as a part of me wished the pills failed her.
I talked to her briefly that evening, as she promised to make me another batch of soup when the weather began to cool down, but it was the last I heard from her that evening. It didn¡¯t bother me much though, as I thought nothing could make me feel as down after all she shared with me on Monday night. The truth was though, the damage was done, and there was no turning back for either of us as things now caught up with her. The mental and emotional abusive days were near their tumultuous end, and Jackson¡¯s dominance and control over her even more so. I could only hope Jackson would be a man about this and let her go, but when I dwelled on that more, has he ever been a man enough to his wife to put her needs above his own? It was hard for me when I thought about the fact he experienced everything a woman can give a man, yet I was the one who truly appreciated her yet I didn¡¯t receive what he did. Through me, Anya learned how a man should treat a woman he loved, especially one he made and called his wife. I could understand fully now why she never returned his ¡°I love you¡±¡¯s. Our relationship was never an ¡°affair¡± but rather a relationship. Anya truly loved me and only then did he begin to understand the mistake in his silence and the mind games he played. Anya struggled with her feelings too much at this point, and once the holidays, and the parties that accompanied them began to happen, and he still played the role of a hawk, by the end of the holiday season, she would have had enough. I expected a call from Jackson at any time, and if he did, I would unleash her pain upon him. I wasn¡¯t Lance, the romantic singer; a coward with a hidden agenda. I truly loved Anya and Jackson would know all of why I chose to be in her life, and for him to even call me, would be one of the greatest acts of hypocrisy. If you didn¡¯t respect your own marriage, don¡¯t expect others too. You can¡¯t fool everyone, especially the people you hurt.
That evening I couldn¡¯t sleep and decided to google ¡°love quotes¡± to see if I could read something to help me with the missing. I couldn¡¯t help but get lost in my imagination that she was holding our baby which drove me to the quotes on ¡°love¡±. When I found several I liked, I texted them to Anya.
ME: ¡°Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.¡±
¡°A dream is a wish your heart makes.¡±
¡°In dreams and in love there are no impossibilities.¡±
¡°You come to love not by finding the perfect person but by seeing an imperfect person perfectly.¡±
¡°The most precious possession that ever comes to a man in this world is a woman¡¯s heart.¡±
8:22 a.m.
¡°Good morning! R these quotes from the same book? I love them! I didn¡¯t finish the book. I¡¯ll finish it this afternoon if I can squeeze in an hour of reading.¡±
ME: ¡°Good morning! These aren¡¯t from ¡°The Alchemist¡±. I found them on line and thought I¡¯d send them to you. I hope you can find the time to finish the book!¡±
I felt both Anya and I needed to see quotes like these for inspiration as nights without her were harder to get through as I felt like one with her. Although I felt more secure in her love for me. I missed her like never before. After all she told me of Jackson¡¯s abusive behavior over the years, I couldn¡¯t understand why she still shared a bed with him. How she could even stomach being that close to him after all he¡¯s done. When he married her, was a purchase made that required her to always be at his beckon call even through abusive behavior? As much as I loved her, and as much as I wanted to understand why she did this for her kids, knowing all he had done to destroy her love for him, I couldn¡¯t fully understand why she stayed, especially after all we shared. It shellshocked me at times, as at this point it had to be for the money. Nothing else, even for the kids made any sense. Was Jackson¡¯s money and influence her be all end all? Was that the reason she tolerated his mental and emotional abuse? She asked for someone to be there for her if she left, she told me it was the reason she still stayed, and here I was with outstretched open arms yet they remained empty. As secure as I felt, it seemed I would always eventually fall back into the same trap of ¡°what if¡±? What if her intentions were not as pure as mine? What if she still loved Jackson? What if she used me for to feel again? All I could do to silence the noise was to convince myself to apply pressure without applying pressure otherwise, she would fight me. I had to find a way to be understanding, even when I couldn¡¯t understand fully. I had to be disingenuous so she would pursue happiness, her pilot in life. I couldn¡¯t push as badly as I wanted to, and I couldn¡¯t confront Jackson as badly as I wanted to simply because of her children, and the effect it could have on them. As I dealt with so many familiar and unfamiliar emotions, all of which that unsettled me when we were apart, I looked to the universe for guidance.
Later that morning, Anya sent me a text.
11:27 a.m.
¡°U busy?¡±
ME: ¡°I¡¯m just heading out to lunch. How r u? Did u get my text from earlier?¡±
ANYA: ¡°Know what? I just got it! How strange!¡±
She never got my text in response to her ¡°good morning¡± text, so she naturally thought I was just really busy in the morning, too busy to text her. She should have known me better by now though, that I¡¯d never leave her hanging, even if we had a disagreement over something. The more messages that seemed to disappear and reappear, the more I believed Jackson was behind it.
ME: ¡°Those quotes I found online were too relatable not to send to you.¡±
ANYA: ¡°So um did you dig them up from your archive of ¡°quotes¡±? JK! They were beautiful!¡±
ME: ¡°I wish I had an archive of quotes! Actually, I just googled ¡°love¡±
and they came up. I thought they were beautiful too. I miss you.¡±
ANYA: ¡°Ha! Did you google ¡°love¡± b/c u weren¡¯t sure if you were in it? U needed the definition? JK! I miss you too.¡±
I felt at times there was a little truth in a person¡¯s jokes, and I didn¡¯t know why Anya would text that to me, even as a joke unless she felt that way. I loved her beyond words could ever say, but I had to remember, she struggled with her self esteem at times too, which made me miss her even more.
ME: ¡°That¡¯s one word I definitely won¡¯t ever need to look up the definition for. I missed you last night so I was just looking for some comfort to help get me through the night without you. That¡¯s all. These nights aren¡¯t easy after our beautiful Monday.¡±
After I sent her that text, she disappeared on me, and I didn¡¯t hear back from her until I was almost back from my lunch break.
12:20 p.m.
¡°Sorry was at the Dr¡¯s office for my varicosed veins. I think I¡¯m going to have surgery in Jan or Feb. Aw babe. I missed you last night too.¡±
ME: ¡°I never noticed them, and I¡¯ve checked you out all over! I would have to say Monday night was the best night of my life. I really can¡¯t compare it to anything else other than the other nights I spent with you in Laguna Beach. You made the night very special after telling me all you did. I¡¯ve never felt closer to anyone before. Is there something wrong with your varicosed veins you¡¯re worried about?¡±
ANYA: ¡°Isn¡¯t it funny how every time we spend together it becomes ¡°the best day or night of our lives¡±? It¡¯s more cosmetic. They r annoying. Got them during pregnancy.¡±
I wouldn¡¯t allow myself to believe Anya hadn¡¯t had a night like that before with someone else, but it truly was a first for me, the best night of my life simply because of who I spent it with; a most sincere sentiment. When she harked back to getting the varicosed veins during her pregnancy, it brought me back to her unhappiness, as they remained a reminder of the injustice done to her while she gave her complete self to a man who was too selfish to see the sacrifices she made. Although they never bothered me, if it made her happy, I supported her decision to get rid of them.
ME: ¡°I know I¡¯ve said this a million times but it still feel like a dream. I really don¡¯t know how I mustered the strength to leave you. I didn¡¯t want to go.¡±
ANYA: ¡°It really was like a dream. I think you were able to leave because you knew how tired I was and you knew I¡¯d pass out as soon as you left. Didn¡¯t want to mess up your work day.¡±
ME: ¡°That still wouldn¡¯t have stopped me. I didn¡¯t mind having you fall asleep in my arms. I could wake up to that every day. It wouldn¡¯t have messed up my workday.¡±
ANYA: ¡°Were u mad I didn¡¯t ask you to stay?¡±
ME: ¡°A little disappointed, but not mad. We had some good energy going! I understood you had a rough day, babe and was tired. I didn¡¯t want to push you on it. I understood why you didn¡¯t ask me to stay.¡±
ANYA: ¡°Maybe you should have. I wondered why u left me all alone in a strange place! JK! Yes, we do! Tho I think you had more energy!¡±
ME: ¡°Did you really think that though? I¡¯d feel awful if you did. I hope you¡¯re joking. I¡¯d never leave you behind like that.¡±
ANYA: ¡°I wasn¡¯t joking! What r u talking about? No, I¡¯m joking babe. I was sooo tired! U saw my eyes. Swollen and could hardly keep them open! Like I said I didn¡¯t want to mess up your work schedule. I didn¡¯t know. When is ur next vacation again? R u going to travel?¡±
ME: ¡°It starts this month, on the 21st. My last one for the year. It¡¯s a Staycay.¡±
ANYA: ¡°That¡¯s great! I think you took off a week in Nov right before I met you last year. Am I wrong?¡±
ME: ¡°Great memory, babe! Yes I did!¡±
ANYA: ¡°I don¡¯t know why it was stuck in my crazy head!¡±
ME: ¡°I¡¯m flattered you remembered! I reconnected with you right at the tail end of it. The best part of my vacation!¡±
ANYA: ¡°Really? Nice way to end the vacation¡or was it?¡±
ME: ¡°Hey, I don¡¯t answer loaded questions ok? JK! Meant to happen babe. My destiny. Meeting you has been the best thing that¡¯s ever happened to me. I hope you know that. The greatest thing about our ¡°break-up¡± is I learned how much you love me, how much you struggle and how much you really want to be with me. I don¡¯t think I would have learned any of that if we weren¡¯t ¡°broken-up¡±. You leaving to make me happy, wouldn¡¯t make me happy if you weren¡¯t happy.¡±
ANYA: ¡°I hope so. Idk. I struggle every day.¡±
ME: ¡°I know babe. My love for you though is endless, regardless. I love you forever.¡±
ANYA: ¡°Thank you babe. I love you forever.¡±
After our afternoon text exchange that ran well past the time I was due back from lunch, I didn¡¯t know if was more or less secure about her love before we talked. When I didn¡¯t hear back from her for the rest of the day, I began to worry about her. As another restless night fell upon me, I then pondered the lonely weekend before me. I decided to take my nervous energy to the gym for an early morning workout, something I could count on one hand how many times I did before. Without a read on her even after our beautiful Monday night, I couldn¡¯t believe I found myself yet again with the same amount of dread in my heart I had before Monday evening. I tried not to force my love upon her, but I feared all I could lose if I didn¡¯t take advantage of a Monday night still close to her heart. Even though I already found new love quotes to send her, I decided to hold on to them for a more opportune time. As I arrived back inside my car after my workout, in a rush to get back home so I could get ready for work, I noticed my cell phone¡¯s red light was blinking.
6:46 a.m.
¡°I miss you so much.¡±
She sent me many texts over the last eleven months but as I read this particular one, a different kind of text in the best way, I convinced myself this one was her sweetest one ever sent as my heart ached desperately for her which then inspired me to send her the new love quotes I found and saved to my phone from the prior evening.
ME: ¡°Give her two roses, each with a note. The first note says to the woman I love. The second for my best friend.¡±
¡°Love is that condition is which the happiness of another person is essential to your own.¡±
¡°Love is as much as an object as an obsession. Everybody wants it, everybody seeks it but few ever achieve it. Those who do will cherish it, be lost in it, and above all, never forget it.¡±
¡°If I had to choose between loving you and breathing, I would use my last breath to say I love you.¡±
As I sent these off to the woman who missed me so much it was all she could text me on this morning, it brought me back to the times I was hurt by love before I met her. When I used to get lost in the greeting card aisle in drug stores and caught up reading the cards with love messages inside of them to wonder if I would ever feel this strongly for someone, and envious of those people lucky enough to buy a card like this to send to someone who felt the same for them. As I prepared to send the love quotes I found to my heart and soul on this day, I remembered how I used to fantasize about the day I could buy a card like that for someone I felt that strongly about, and as I sent these off I smiled to know I finally did meet that person.
Anya quickly responded as it seemed she didn¡¯t expect any this morning.
7:33 a.m.
¡°You just brought tears to my eyes. I love you.¡±
ME: ¡°I love you too, babe. I just got out of the gym and thought I would send those to you. Can you meet me today? Would love to see you.¡±
ANYA: ¡°Wow! 6 a.m. workout? Well, I¡¯m tied up until around noon. Can I let you know around 10? Busy day today.¡±
ME: ¡°Sure babe! Just let me know.¡±
I couldn¡¯t remember if I ever asked if I could see her before. I usually let her decide if she wanted to see me since she was always busy as she cited being ¡°distracted¡± as the reason she took a ¡°break¡± in order to figure things out. At ten forty that morning, she made time so we could meet for tea at half past noon, and I jumped at the opportunity just to see her.
When she showed up, and jumped in my car, with a huge smile on her face that lit my own, like a moon on a clear night that shone upon a still ocean, I knew my day spent with her at Cascade Park would be a good one. As I drove, she grabbed my hand which always aroused me sexually, as I imagined the feel of her soft hand upon me as her perfume pleased my sense of smell, all enhanced sensations. Anya was immaculate, inside and out, in my heart and in my eyes. My mind didn¡¯t care for her at times, but my heart had silenced it after Monday night which now seemed like months, and not mere days ago. If I had known the torment I would feel when separated from her, I would have never fell in love with her, as I got no excitement due to the circumstances of our relationship. I wanted to see her and talk to her in person everyday rather than through an electronic device, where messages could be misinterpreted. I wanted to hold her every day. I wanted to be there for her and help her with her kids. Give her a break once in a while and make life easier on her so she could be a better mother with less stress on her mind and body. I felt I¡¯d enrich her life more if we were together, but I had to convince her to be brave enough to make a promise I felt we both deserved. After all she shared about Jackson on Monday, things that really brought his emotional and mental abusive ways to life, I wasn¡¯t going to let her just walk away unless I felt it was the right thing she should do, but as of now, I couldn¡¯t be convinced it wasn¡¯t.
When I stopped the car and turned off the engine, she came in to face me as our lips gently met. Kissing Anya was like having your favorite meal on a completely empty stomach all the while only craving your favorite meal and never feeling full once you take that first bite. I could never get enough, and I loved every second never wanting to pull away for that long as well.
¡°We¡¯re you really not mad at me after letting you go on Monday?¡± she asked.
¡°Of course not. Like I said. I would¡¯ve loved to stay, but I wasn¡¯t going to fight you, babe. He could have showed up and there could have been a confrontation so I think it was for the best. You shared some heavy stuff.¡±
¡°Thank you for understanding.¡± she said. ¡°I didn¡¯t want that to hurt you.¡±
¡°I always try to.¡± I said. ¡°It didn¡¯t hurt me, babe, but it didn¡¯t stop me from missing you.¡±
I truly was relieved Jackson didn¡¯t show up that night simply because my disgust with him after all she told me was so raw. I couldn¡¯t confront him, and not because he was the largest client at our firm, but simply because of her children. If I were to get in an altercation with him, Andrew and Katie would hold it against me, and would I want some stranger I didn¡¯t know to confront my own father in this type of situation? I had an example to set with them, so I¡¯m glad I had the time away to think about it. My problem wasn¡¯t with Jackson the human being, although I felt he was a sociopath, my problem was with Jackson the husband. Even though I had to consider her children in regards to my ill feelings about him, it didn¡¯t mean I didn¡¯t have a few things to get off my chest about the way he treated my best friend over the years.
¡°Katie is going to be with her dad tonight.¡± she said. ¡°I¡¯ll be alone at home with Andrew.¡±
¡°How¡¯s Katie¡¯s ankle?¡± I asked.
¡°She has to be off it for another four weeks.¡±
¡°That¡¯s too bad.¡± I said. ¡°Oh, I¡¯m heading to Wholefoods to pick up some fruits and vegetables. I¡¯m going to look for pumpkin biscotti too.¡±
¡±If you can¡¯t find them I¡¯ll pick you up a couple of boxes.¡± she offered. ¡°Because I¡¯m going to see you soon again, right?¡±
I then leaned into her and brought her face to mine so I could feel it. I then kissed her lips and spoke to her.
¡°I love you so much.¡± I whispered to her.
¡°I love you too.¡±
¡°These people at Wholefoods are starting to know me just like everyone else does wherever I go.¡±
¡°Why do they know you?¡±
¡°I¡¯m sort of a creature of habit. I always order the same thing! It doesn¡¯t matter where I go to eat, I always get the same thing.¡±
¡°What? Really?¡± she said as she started to laugh. ¡°No matter where you go? That¡¯s so cute!¡±
¡°It¡¯s cute that people always know what I¡¯m going to order?¡±
¡°Yes!¡± she laughed even more.
¡°Hey babe, I will have you know sometimes I throw them off and order something else just to keep them on their toes.¡±
¡°You¡¯re too much!¡±
¡°Speaking of too much, I felt bad I had such a strong opinion about your breast augmentation. I think you should do whatever makes you happy in life as long as it doesn¡¯t kill people.¡±
¡°Sounds like famous last words.¡± she said as she moved her lips into mine.
I didn¡¯t know what she meant by that, so I decided to stay inside her lips instead.
If she thought I would ever let her walk away with ¡°whatever makes you happy¡± I could almost guarantee that would never happen.
¡°Do you like to go fishing?¡± she asked.
¡°It¡¯s not my favorite thing in the world to do but it is fun when you go out on a boat and have a real chance at catching fish. My dad used to take me to dead spots and I¡¯d sit there for hours and never get a single bite.¡±
¡°I was just curious.¡± she said. ¡°My son loves to fish. We¡¯re going on Sunday.¡±
¡°If he loves to fish then he must have some pretty good spots.¡±
¡°He does.¡± she said. ¡°He catches all kinds of fish. He goes on boating trips.¡±
¡°Those are definitely fun.¡±
I loved Anya¡¯s sweet way of thinking as she tried to establish common ground between her son and I. Through all she shared about Andrew, I saw so many things we had in common especially boats and finance. It almost felt like he was my son as the things he enjoyed and did, I did as well growing up. Both Andrew and Katie seemed like really good kids, as it was clear no matter how much Anya struggled, she did an excellent job of raising them and made them feel safe, although wondered if they ever thought something was amiss at home. If things didn¡¯t feel right to them at all.
Anya and I began to kiss again as we returned to Monday night in a sensual way as I felt her hand glide across then touch my most sensitive of body parts. I began to get touchy feely as well, as we got lost in Monday night once again, as the missing reached the point we couldn¡¯t control ourselves even in broad daylight. I then made a mistake though when I moved my hand upward under her arm as she pulled abruptly away and laughed heartily.
¡°Oh my god.¡± she said.
¡°What is it?¡± I said. ¡°Are you ticklish?¡±
¡°I am.¡± she said. ¡°I really got to get back. I have to grab Andrew a sandwich at Subway before I go.¡±
¡°Oh, I¡¯m sorry. I didn¡¯t know.¡±
¡°Sorry that I¡¯m ticklish?¡± she asked.
¡°I¡¯m definitely not sorry you¡¯re ticklish.¡± I said as I teased her by putting my hands on her.
¡°Ahhh! You¡¯re killing me!¡± she exclaimed in laughter.
¡°You know, consider yourself lucky Andrew wants Subway.¡± I said as I reluctantly left the fun of Cascade Park to return to the torment of reality. When I pulled back into the parking lot we met up in, Anya ran out of my car laughing, afraid I would tickle her further, and she made a good choice to do so. When we departed company that day, I fell more in love with her.
I texted Anya to see if she made it back home on time and safely.
3:12 p.m.
¡°I¡¯m glad I got to see you today cuz my weekend is going to be crazy. Thank u for asking and driving up. I miss u every second.¡±
ME: ¡°I miss you every second too babe. Thanks for making time to meet me. It was a lot of fun.¡±
She then texted me later that evening.
5:27 p.m.
¡°What r u up to babe?¡±
ME: ¡°I¡¯m just winding down. Deciding on what to do for dinner. I just got home. What r u up to, Beautiful?¡±
ANYA: ¡°Having a spill with the girls but I have to be home by 7. I promised Andrew I would watch ¡°Get Smart¡± with him. You should check it out! It¡¯s really funny!¡±
ME: ¡°I like Steve Carell. I¡¯ll definitely check it out!¡±
ANYA: ¡°I miss you sooo much. I can still smell your closeness.¡±
ME: ¡°You always taste and smell so good. I¡¯m always in the presence of pure beauty when I am with you and your beauty even stays with me when you leave. I feel lucky to feel and have that. I love you babe.¡±
ANYA: ¡°I love you baby!¡±
At about ten minutes past seven, I received a text from her.
7:10 p.m.
¡°Running late. Leaving in 5 min. U there?¡±
ME: ¡°I¡¯m here babe.¡±
ANYA: ¡°Call me.¡±
As Anya and I talked on the phone for the next twenty minutes about how much fun we had together earlier, two things came to mind. The first thing was she was going to be late to see Andrew, who waited for her at seven to watch ¡°Get Smart¡±, and second, she met the girls for a spill because she missed me, more than I knew. These brief moments of transparency were the reasons I fought for her because within them lied the truth about what she needed in life, and as much pain it brought me whenever we were apart, or whenever she struggled, I had to fight this pain for her. At this point, I felt if I cracked, I would let her down, like how she disappointed me without making even the slightest promise as she filled me with all the promise in the world by sharing things about her kids that made me feel like she wanted me to know them and to be a part of their lives. I had no doubts we would get along. I had no doubts they would always have a true friend in me, and next to their own parents, I¡¯d be their biggest fan, but I needed a promise to truly feel I belonged in their lives. Anya gave me a lot of hope as she shared with me details about who they were, but if she ever pulled away, I would always wonder why she ever did because I fell in love with her kids too and when she shared their lives with me, I felt beyond special to her, at least enough to expect a promise from her to leave Jackson and her marriage behind.
7:42 p.m.
¡°I love you forever!¡±
After I received this text from Anya, I didn¡¯t hear back from her for the rest of the night, not even a goodnight text, but I guess this said everything I needed to know.
CHAPTER 21 ~ LOST WITHOUT
¡°Self-realization demands very great struggle.¡±
~ Swami Sivananda
On Friday evening, I decided to text her a few more quotes with the hope some would resonate within her, but that Saturday morning however, I heard from her later than usual.
10:01 a.m.
¡°Hi baby! Thank you for the texts last night. You were up late. I miss you.¡±
I felt disheartened the entire day, as a simple ¡°late¡± text from her did that to me now. I couldn¡¯t blame her for it, but it made me feel like maybe her feelings weakened; not on par with my own. When I sent the quotes yesterday morning, she immediately responded, and even the prior day she did the same and was really busy both mornings. Maybe I made something out of nothing, but ¡°something¡± felt different, and whenever it did, a slave to anxiety I became.
I was a little short in my response to her but wished her a good day. I didn¡¯t want to be treated like a burden, but whenever she texted me ¡°late¡±, I felt that way as the wheels spun without end about the unknown variable and what happens at home when alcohol was involved and the kids were away. Twenty minutes after my short response, she texted me to ask how I was doing, but I told her I was ¡°good¡±. I didn¡¯t want to tell her how I felt as I wanted to be missed without sympathy, and to love me without worry. More than anything though, I wanted to feel like a need, not a luxury as I felt if she didn¡¯t need me, then she couldn¡¯t have possibly loved me.
Later that afternoon I sent her a follow-up question about what book was on her book club plate, to hide how discouraged I was.
1:26 p.m.
¡°¡°The Invisible Wall¡± by Harry Bernstein and ¡°The Shack¡± by William P. Young. I love you.¡±
I felt an invisible wall of sorts was growing around Anya and I and I would soon end up living in a shack if I didn¡¯t put an end to the negative feelings. I began to reason to go from the height of Monday evening to the hole of Saturday morning was a large enough drop to sap my spirit. I know she missed me. I know she would choose me over Jackson, but the unknown variable stole my security away at times. Later that afternoon I decided to visit Wholefoods to grab a box or two of pumpkin biscotti I¡¯ve craved since I finished them. Thankfully they were there as I didn¡¯t know when I¡¯d see Anya again. I thought about texting to inform her I couldn¡¯t find them anywhere as to inspire a visit from her, but I couldn¡¯t pretend I cared about the pumpkin biscotti when all I wanted was to have her in my arms. Later that afternoon though, when I arrived home from Wholefoods, she ended her silence.
3:24 p.m.
¡°Hi!¡±
Whenever I received a text that just read ¡°hi¡±, it unsettled me due to the past quiet texts I received from her earlier. I was desperate for something positive I could grasp on to, but in her defense, she likely felt she texted me more than she should considering her ¡°figuring out¡± time she needed. Sometimes, Anya was up against an unfair adversary in my low self-esteem, but she knew I had my heart broken in the past which is why we connected. I decided to suck it up a little and think about the beauty I saw in her on Monday night. I tried to also put myself in her shoes as she had a lot going on at home, and she still tried to stay in touch with me. Even though I had the right to wonder, it wasn¡¯t fair to punish her, but I just really missed her. More so because of the closeness we shared on Monday night.
ME: ¡°Hi! How¡¯s ur day going?¡±
ANYA: ¡°A little busy. How r u? What r u up to?¡±
ME: ¡°I went to Wholefoods. I just picked up some groceries from there. What are you working on today? I miss you.¡±
ANYA: ¡°You did? Did you find the biscottis? I¡¯m working on redecorating Katie¡¯s room. It¡¯s coming along, but I have to stop soon to get ready to go to my trainer¡¯s surprise birthday party soon. I miss u too.¡±
ME: ¡°I did find them. You got me hooked! I at least have enough for the next few days. Are you going to Jerry¡¯s? He¡¯s your personal trainer, right?¡±
ANYA: ¡°Yes, Jerry¡¯s! Ha! I thought you were going to say ¡°no they don¡¯t carry them¡±!
ME: ¡°Believe me the thought crossed my mind! I didn¡¯t want to lie to you, babe.¡±
ANYA: ¡°Let me know when you run out. I¡¯d be happy to pick up more biscottis for you!¡±
ME: ¡°Well, you¡¯re not going to believe it, but I just finished off the box. Looks like I am all out now.¡±
ANYA: ¡°Ha ha! I guess I have to pick them up then!¡±
ME: ¡°Looks like you need to make a Wholefoods run now! I love you!¡±
ANYA: ¡°I love you!¡±
Whenever we had a fun exchange, I forgot how I felt a second earlier as much as I felt severely down. One positive exchange cured my negative thoughts more than any drug ever could. As the day turned into night, I failed once again to receive a ¡°goodnight¡± text from her. As her social scene surrounded her with people that took her away from the heartache, a luxury I didn¡¯t have, and as I felt more alone than even when I had a girlfriend in my life, I began to regress once again. To not hear from her during a night she found herself surrounded by friends, and workout partners, a time she would not hesitate in the past to pull away from the crowd to talk to me, I began to feel anxiety even about something innocuous like Katie¡¯s room redecoration, as it seemed to speak of a bigger plan; of having no plans to leave any time soon. It seemed she made her decision if even Monday night brought her right back to the same old situation and circumstances. All the pumpkin biscottis in the world, something I began to believe was said to ¡°pacify¡± me, couldn¡¯t help me escape the torturous thoughts that filled my head on this night. All I could do was be one with the night, and embrace the darkness as I kept my heart aligned in the love I felt from her just five nights ago as I tried to not let one night of inconsistency discourage me. I reminded myself I felt the same way last weekend, and little did I know she left home because she missed me so greatly, with ¡°The Alchemist¡± in tow.
The next morning, I received a text from her at a time more consistent with what I believed her feelings were for me, and she aligned herself in the belief in our love.
7:52 a.m.
¡°Good morning. How is the air by your place? It¡¯s awful here. There was a fire in the hills last night.¡±
ME: ¡°I¡¯m looking out my bedroom window and it looks okay, I guess. I¡¯m not outside though. Is it that bad where you are? Busy day for you again?¡±
ANYA: ¡°Yes, it¡¯s awful. Went for a walk and my eyes are burning. How r u? How is ur mom? Going to see my parents today. I miss you.¡±
When Anya asked me about my mom, I honestly didn¡¯t know. I became so engrossed with our relationship and trying to catch up at work, I went MIA on my mother. Although I knew her recent Cancer developments were serious, her attitude remained the same to me. I knew she underwent her first round of chemo this week, but she told me she wasn¡¯t even sick afterwards, which made me find solace within because the dosage was low as the doctors caught it in time, like they always did. I didn¡¯t want to worry about something she didn¡¯t seemed worried about at all as I vanished, with no real choice in the matter anymore, into the vortex of my relationship with Anya.
ME: ¡°I miss you too. She¡¯s fine babe. She went through her first round of chemo this week. Thanks for asking. Are you going alone to see your parents?¡±
ANYA: ¡°With the kids. My dad¡¯s birthday. What r u up to today?¡±
ME: ¡°I¡¯ll probably tidy up my apartment today, but other than that I¡¯m just going to relax. Have a good time at your parents! Happy birthday to your dad! I love you forever!¡±
ANYA: ¡°Thank u baby. U have a good day too! I love you forever!¡±
I decided to walk to the mall after we ended our textversation in search of the ever-elusive pair of jeans I needed but have yet to find. Instead though, I found myself in front of a window at Tiffany¡¯s as I perused the stunning necklaces and rings. This one necklace on display hooked me enough that I nearly went inside to inquire about it, but intimidation took over so I decided to head home instead.
Later that afternoon, Anya reached out to me via text.
2:33 p.m.
¡°Have you been to ¡°Diamond Jamboree¡± in Irvine? It¡¯s on Jamboree and Alton. It¡¯s like little Asia. I met my parents for lunch. Korean, Japanese, and Chinese food. I guess it¡¯s about 2 months old.¡±
ME: ¡°Oh how cool! Asian cuisine is my fave! I¡¯ve never been before but it sounds like something I definitely need to check out. My office isn¡¯t too far from there.¡±
ANYA: ¡°I told Katie I was going to find her future ¡°Korean husband¡± there! She said she¡¯d rather not get married at all!¡±
ME: ¡°Haha! How was the food? Where did you eat?¡±
ANYA: ¡°It was pretty good. Like everything in Irvine, planned community. We went to ¡°Tokyo Table¡±. They even have a Chinese bakery. Of course we had to check it out.¡±
ME: ¡°Did Katie find a Japanese man she would consider marrying there?¡±
ANYA: ¡°She said she¡¯ll never marry an Asian man! She pointed out a chubby asian husband w/his wife and 3 kids and said ¡°You want me to be miserable like that lady?¡± Btw, he was falling asleep in his chair while the asian mom was frantically trying to feed her 3 little kids. It was hilarious! Katie gave me a ¡°yea right¡± look.¡±
ME: ¡°He sounds dreamy! He could be Katie¡¯s man of her dreams¡literally. What did you have for lunch? Did you get anything good from the bakery?¡±
ANYA: ¡°Haha! He was so asleep in his chair. Arms crossed and all! I can¡¯t believe the poor lady didn¡¯t kick him. I actually had the salad and vege tempura for lunch. The kids did but I didn¡¯t have anything at the bakery.¡±
ME: ¡°Arms crossed. Belly exposed. Hard to unsee that. Did you go to the Wholefoods store at all? That place has everything. It¡¯s right there.¡±
ANYA: ¡°It was not pretty. Yea, I know. That store is amazing. It¡¯s geographically undesirable for me so I would only visit when I¡¯m in Irvine for work. Whatcha doin?¡±
ME: ¡°I¡¯m just relaxing at home, babe. What r u up to?¡±
ANYA: ¡°I have to continue w/Katie¡¯s room. I miss u, u know.¡±
ME: ¡°I miss you too.¡±
And back to the world without her as she absorbed herself in Katie¡¯s room. I didn¡¯t want to distract her, but even a fun exchange left me with negative emotions. Although I found Anya and Katie¡¯s conversation funny, I thought if she planned to talk Katie out of marrying an Asian man, she should also add Jewish men to the list. I didn¡¯t know much about the Korean culture, but it did seem Korean women played a more subservient role to their husbands, and maybe that should be communicated to Katie so she could understand Korean culture as much as Jewish culture, although one was race and the other religion. None of this would¡¯ve entered my mind and bothered me if Anya made me feel secure with a promise. When she mentioned the Whole Foods store was now suddenly ¡°geographically undesirable¡± for her. and she would only go if she was in Irvine for work, and not for me, just hit me hard, as this came from a person who claimed she missed me. Who I just spent such an intimate evening with her that she could have been pregnant. It almost felt like she tried to break me down as I almost responded to her ¡°I miss u, u know¡± with a ¡°do you really?¡± We only know that Wholefoods store because it represented another way she could see me, and now she would never go unless she was in Irvine for work, and not even in Irvine for me? It was bad enough I suffocated when I couldn¡¯t see her now, and now she seemed just fine with this arrangement in its current state without even a hint of a promise after a beautiful night together in Laguna Beach just five days prior, when she opened up to me like never before? This was the first time I ever had a fun exchange with Anya and felt empty afterwards. How could a woman who loved me make me feel this way? During my mall visit earlier, I walked by so many fake women and questionable couples that I thought to myself ¡°If our love isn¡¯t real, nothing else could be¡±. The realization that without a promise, I would continue to struggle with these feelings. I was going to question everything she did and subsequently, even her love for me. I then wrestled with the idea of no contact with her, because the truth was I couldn¡¯t be a good friend. I experienced too many negative emotions, so much so I felt disingenuous as I held none of the cards. If I spoke up, she would only threaten to end our relationship, but in the past, as I learned each time she tried to leave, she would have an extremely difficult time and as her pain shone through, so did my love for her. The only reason I chose to be in her life was because I wanted her pain to end. It she felt pain, it defeated the purpose as it¡¯s the reason I came into her life, but there seemed to be an inequity, one so great it couldn¡¯t be ignored. I lost sleep every night. I fell further behind on my work. A virus of stress plagued me on a daily basis. Distracted from everything else around me, I began to ask myself a very serious question and even find a timely answer for it; ¡°If I didn¡¯t have a promise from her, then what did I truly have?¡±. I even had to ask myself a follow-up; ¡°Was I brave enough to find out?¡±.
After Monday night, after all she shared with me, and after all we shared together, I felt insulted she remained with her husband, notwithstanding all we shared and all she shared with me over the last eleven months too. I didn¡¯t want to hear ¡°I miss you¡± anymore. I wanted to be shown ¡°I miss you¡±. On this day, she was with her mother. I knew her mother stayed for ¡°the sake of the kids¡± but her mother never shared with another man, all of what Anya shared with me. Anya made a completely erroneous sacrifice, and the only way it made any sense to me was if she didn¡¯t truly love me and if I simply wasn¡¯t good enough to be with. Whether it was true or not, it¡¯s validity lied in the way I felt. Although I believed her mother did the right thing to stay in her marriage for her kids, I couldn¡¯t say the same for Anya because of how she handled Jackson¡¯s dishonor of her. The one thing that drew me to Anya was her perceived honesty, but without a promise, she threatened to lose a huge part of the reason I fell in love with her. And when I remembered all the things she told me that brought me here. That all she needed was someone to be there for her. That men didn¡¯t want a woman with her baggage. I proved her wrong enough to at least deserve a promise, something if I had, I could think a lot more positively and be a lot less distracted. The fact she denied a promise to me at this point, made me not only wonder if it would ever come but also her love, something I never thought I would ever question. And the promise didn¡¯t have to be tomorrow, or next week or even next month. It could even be two years from now, but the fact she didn¡¯t promise me at all, nor felt inclined to do so, made me feel she wasn¡¯t afraid to throw our love away and it wasn¡¯t special to her at all. These negative feelings now took on a form of their own as it made me feel the emptiest I ever felt in my life. If she truly missed me, if she truly loved me, if I truly was her best friend, then why wouldn¡¯t she send at least a promise my way? To prove it all through actions and not words? In my mind and heart, shouldn¡¯t love be a verb before it became a noun? Did the frog come before the tadpole?
As these negative thoughts moshed through my head and I contemplated how I would deal with all I felt, she sent me a text.
6:27 p.m.
¡°I miss u babe. R u writing?¡±
Since Monday night, I had done a considerable amount of writing in my journal. I even couldn¡¯t continue to write our story simply because I didn¡¯t know its destination. It didn¡¯t mean I gave up on her, however when I thought about a promise that not only I, but we both deserved, I was discouraged it hadn¡¯t come yet to rescue me from the negativity. I did know however, if I pressured her about it, then it would never come, so I had to give her the impression everything was fine and dandy, and even within this torrent, we were, as long as she communicated to me, but whenever I lost that, even in brief moments, it tore hope away from me, as it was all I had to get me through the day.
ME: ¡°I did a little writing last night. I will probably write later tonight. Are you making progress on Katie¡¯s room?¡±
ANYA: ¡°Yes I am! It¡¯s amazing how much stuff she has accumulated over the years!¡±
During this particular text exchange, she learned I would be in Compton on a new client engagement during the week. I not only dreaded the drive, but the area was not known for its welcoming committee, however this new client audit engagement seemed to be a good clean one. Anya then shared she would be in Irvine on Tuesday, but since I was in Compton, we would be too far apart from each other this week, which bummed me out, but it always did whenever I couldn¡¯t see her anyway. That alone made it a week I didn¡¯t look forward to.
ANYA: ¡°Your week will go by quickly because you¡¯ll be so busy.¡±
ME: ¡°See, I knew you were a positive thinker!¡±
ANYA: ¡°Ha! I¡¯m not that bad!¡±
ME: ¡°I¡¯d be careful with your tone there! I know your weakness now and I won¡¯t let you leave my car so easily next time!¡±
ANYA: ¡°Haha! You had your chance!¡±
ME: ¡°Next time, Beautiful. I love you!¡±
ANYA: ¡°I love you baby!¡±
The vision of this beautiful woman as she fled my car in fear when I tried to tickle her brought a smile to my face and warm thoughts. Times like those made it incredibly difficult for me to believe in anything but the Universe¡¯s plan for us to be together.
Before we ended our conversation, Anya thought she told me the name her book club books was ¡°The Beautiful Wall¡±, but she gave me the correct name the first time around; ¡°The Invisible Wall.¡±. I planned to pick up the same books so we could read them sort of together and give us more things to talk about, a way I could stay connected to her and provide us a reprieve from the serious stuff that gave rise to negative emotions. She then told me the Obama¡¯s were on ¡°60 Minutes¡± and that was the last time I heard from her. I loved how open minded she was about politics. Although we were both republican, we were both moderate, and the Obama¡¯s seemed like good decent people and although Obama didn¡¯t plan to carry out a capitalistic business approach to his agenda, I think even Anya realized a need to patch up some misperceptions about us with other countries after the Iraq war and our responses after ¡°9-11¡±. He seemed like the right person for the job at this time to smooth things over. Although I believed he would put a band-aid on what appeared to be the greatest recession in our country¡¯s history. Also, being a man of color, I thought it would inspire other minorities to believe they could be the President of the United States one day as well, and to help bridge some gaps between racial lines. I never followed politics and never cared for them much, but they always found a way into my life without provocation, through Sara¡¯s ¡°crush¡±, through Jackson and now through Anya. Somehow, I felt the invisible entity, one¡¯s existence I doubted before I met Anya, must have made politics known to me for a reason. A reason I would eventually learn.
This day was a microcosm of what and how I felt now. I left our Sunday night phone conversation feeling hopeful as it seemed I forgot all the negative thoughts I carried just hours ago. I had to keep in mind with Anya, this was only a temporary madness, as I believed she loved me way too much to ever truly let me go. I had to stay positive and stay strong. Our last textversation was an example of how I implemented my plan to apply pressure without applying pressure as it gave her more reasons to miss me. If I was sad, she wouldn¡¯t wonder, and I had to make her think ¡°why is he okay with this?¡±. It also seemed Jackson and Anya were doing things with the kids separately from each other as it seemed they were setting them up for a change in their lives. I began to read her past texts and in comparison, this seemed to be more frustration from her than anything as I believed things would get interesting very soon. After Monday night and now Jackson¡¯s hawking of her, this marriage neared its end and behind the reason why her goodnight texts ceased the last couple of nights. Or maybe it was just too hard for her to think about then send and it caused a distraction for her. I had to be encouraged that even after his confrontation, she took off for a night, and never stopped texting me, and the fact Jackson still chose to be in his marriage after that, did not make much sense to me. I knew he didn¡¯t want to shake up the kids before the holidays, but I felt at the start of next year, this had to be addressed because the truth was, nothing would ever be the same again between them. Anya knew love existed for her outside of Jackson, and not only just love, but true love. I believed as much as it would hurt the kids initially, in the long run these kids would understand and have healthy marriages of their own, and never have to go through what Anya¡¯s mother experienced and now what Anya herself experienced, as I believed staying for the kids in marriages with gross infidelities carried a vicious cycle, a curse like the verses in the Bible my mother read to me, that affected the next generation¡¯s marriages. I felt this was an opportunity for Anya to choose love and to put an end to the curse, one foretold.
When the next morning arrived, I wished Anya a ¡°good morning¡± just before I headed out for Compton.
8:15 a.m.
¡°Good morning sweets! I¡¯m fine. You¡¯ve been on my mind. I miss u. I slept well. How r u? Did u stay up late?¡±
ME: ¡°I¡¯m good. Just rolling into Compton in my Benzo! I should be dead by lunch. I¡¯m kidding. I went to bed early. I miss you too. I hope you¡¯re not missing me or I¡¯m on your mind because you¡¯re worried about me.¡±
ANYA: ¡°Ha! Worried? Should I be?¡±
ME: ¡°Of course not. I just don¡¯t want to be on your mind because you¡¯re worried about anything.¡±
ANYA: ¡°Ur always on my mind. I just miss you that¡¯s all.¡±
ME: ¡°I know the feeling, babe. Oh well, just pulled into Compton. Have a good day. I love you forever.¡±
ANYA: ¡°U too! I love you forever!¡±
I arrived to meet a new client in good spirits. Fortunately, I was able to arrange a meeting with after a bank referral and obtain to cover a portion of the Caiaphas account, if we were to lose his business, but it didn¡¯t come close to covering the loss if it materialized. The client set me up in a conference room and I went to work and perused its numbers over the past few years to get an understanding of their numbers and their business. Just as I was about to step out for lunch, I sent a text to Anya to tell her how much I missed her.
11:48 a.m.
¡°Hi babe! I regret letting u go last Monday. It was an amazing night. How wonderful it was to love each other freely. I miss u and love u too.¡±
ME: ¡°I regret not pushing back when you wanted to let me go. Monday night was the sweetest night.¡±
ANYA: ¡°It was the best night!¡±
After our exchange, I felt inspired to work with the memory of the prior Monday evening in my heart and mind.
I didn¡¯t hear from Anya the entire rest of the day and evening, so I texted her to see how her day went with the hope maybe she was back at our Laguna Beach hotel, but when I received her texts I learned that was far from the case.
8:21 p.m.
¡°Hi! It was good! I took Katie to high school info night tonight. I can¡¯t believe she is going to HS next year! How was urs?¡±
ME: ¡°My day went well. What high school is she going to?¡±
ANYA: ¡°Well now she wants to go to a magnet school in a pretty bad area. Nationally recognized magnet program but I don¡¯t know if she can get in. U need an almost perfect GPA in middle school and almost perfect test scores. She¡¯s borderline.¡±
As Anya spoke of Katie¡¯s high school plans, I couldn¡¯t help but wonder if these were Katie¡¯s plans or Anya¡¯s and Jackson¡¯s plan for Katie. I remembered when I went to school, I never had a choice of high school, always slotted to go to the nearest one I lived to, but I guess times have changed, or maybe the privileged always had these options available to them. At any rate, I felt Katie deserved to go to any high school she wanted to, I just hoped it fit her desires and needs more than the desires and needs of her parents even though they did know best.
ME: ¡°Well, I hope she gets in. It sounds similar to a school near where I live. I¡¯m sure she deserves it as hard as she works. I admire the work ethic you¡¯ve instilled in her because I don¡¯t know if having a Korean husband to take care of Katie is the right path. They tend to gain weight and fall asleep in public.¡±
ANYA: ¡°Yea I know. I think it¡¯s Mater Dei in the heart of Santa Ana! Ur sooo funny about the Korean hubby! I miss u babe.¡±
ME: ¡°I miss u too.¡±
When I never heard from her until I texted her late, I couldn¡¯t deny it crushed me inside. Was I really that much of a distraction to her? Over the last two days I struggled like never before as she even ceased to wish me a ¡°good night¡±. I just didn¡¯t understand how she could think our love was suddenly a bad thing after so many beautiful moments together, even after a pregnancy scare. After all the things she told me about Jackson, yet here I laid in a hole, a dark abyss that was beginning to close around me each time she went silent, as she threw another pile of dirt on top of me while I gasped for air, the air a promise would give me. A shroud of doubt engulfed me, even as I found it unfair of me to do so after all we shared. The further I removed myself from Monday night however, and the more days that went by, the more these negative feelings would grow to eventually steamroll over me. As I tried to ignore the loudness of her silence this afternoon, I received a glimmer of solace.
9:24 p.m.
The story has been illicitly taken; should you find it on Amazon, report the infringement.
¡°Surprise! I¡¯m going to say goodnight! I love you ¡°to the moon and back¡±!¡±
Her sweet text brought a huge smile to my face as it saved me just that, along with another night of wheel spinning, inner turmoil and despair. Her ¡°goodnight¡± texts now meant more to me than I could ever let her know because I didn¡¯t want her to send them out of obligation, or a chore, but rather as an act of love and an extension of her missing me. I wanted her love to be genuine and a ¡°good night¡± text, as simple as it was, made me feel that way especially on those nights she crawled in bed with another man, a battle my mind and heart waged war on.
The following morning, she sent me a text that tested my inner resolve.
9:22 a.m.
¡°Good morning! I¡¯m sure you¡¯re busy w/work. Have a nice day! Xoxo!¡±
This particular text left me a little perplexed. Maybe she was disheartened I didn¡¯t text her ¡°good morning¡±, or was she too busy and this was her way of passing the lack of a ¡°good morning¡± buck onto me? I missed her constantly. I looked forward to every text she ever sent me. I only let her initiate the texts because I feared to be a distraction. And if I let her initiate them, how could she blame me for being one? I wanted to be the first to wish her a good morning and a good night, but I needed to know if she truly missed me and if I was on her mind. She always wished me a good morning so whenever I didn¡¯t receive a good morning or a good night text, I felt it was because of the distraction element. As much as I wanted it to change, this was her show to run and unfortunately, she tied my hands behind my back.
ME: ¡°Good morning! How¡¯s your ankle, babe? Were you able to run this morning?¡±
ANYA: ¡°Unfortunately still walking. Boo hoo¡I¡¯ve been working on strengthening my ankle but slow to recover. U know that old age thing! Have to start training for HB.¡±
ME: ¡°Sorry to hear that babe. Do you have a busy day today? What¡¯s HB? I miss u babe.¡±
ANYA: ¡°Yes I am. HB ¨C Huntington Beach Half Marathon. How¡¯s Compton going? I miss u too.¡±
ME: ¡°Compton is going well! I have a team here today and I¡¯m delegating.¡±
I kept our exchange open ended to see who truly was the ¡°busy¡± one as Anya, at times, would try to manipulate the situation with a little misdirection. But what if she was hurt I didn¡¯t say ¡°good morning¡± to her? My low self-esteem, at times was unfair to her, but about a half hour later, she texted me back, and I had my answer¡sort of.
10:31 a.m.
¡°Sorry got home and had to give Suki a bath cuz she was beyond dirty! I¡¯m glad you have a team there now! I love you forever!¡±
After I received her text I surmised she was the true ¡°busy¡± one as she seemed to have a usual full day ahead of her. She was always on my mind and any text exchange I had with her, regardless of its direction, helped me cope especially during a week I would be unable to see her as Monday night, along with our tea escape, still stayed fresh in my mind.
Later that afternoon, why I plowed away on assignment in Compton, Anya sent me a text from the mall near my apartment.
2:49 p.m.
¡°Hey guess where I am? I was on my way home when Carolyn called me to meet her at Charlie Palmer! We¡¯re having french fries and wine! How r u?¡±
ME: ¡°Hey what are you doing there while I¡¯m in Compton? What is wrong with that picture! Glad you¡¯re having some free time with Carolyn. Please tell her I said hello. What kind of wine are you having? I¡¯m doing good.¡±
ANYA: ¡°We had white. I miss you so much. C said hello.¡±
ME: ¡°I miss you very much too. I wish I wasn¡¯t out in Compton so I could see you.¡±
ANYA: ¡°I love you babe.¡±
ME: ¡°I love you too.¡±
How could she suddenly at the drop of a hat, and with no scheduling needed, fit Carolyn in for an afternoon spill near my place, when she knew I was in Compton? It¡¯s not like I didn¡¯t want her not to do those sort of things, but at certain times, not all the time, that if she truly missed me as much as she said she did, wouldn¡¯t she find a way to be close to me? It¡¯s the Anya I suddenly missed as I realized, for some reason, I didn¡¯t have that Anya anymore, I suddenly had an Anya full of fear and dread, even after our most beautiful moment together. The more I pretended not to be hurt by it, the more it ripped me apart. But I refused to let her know how I felt because I carried fear and dread that fatigue and stress were the real culprits, and not the reality of our situation. Maybe she went there to feel close to me, and did I really want her to brave Compton? A place not known for its safety record? The more I dwelled on things, the more it became apparent, I didn¡¯t know the right way to feel as I lost trust in myself too.
As the day dragged on since Anya communicated her whereabouts, my two-staff team caught themselves in an interesting conversation as I received some unintentional static feedback. Apparently one of the staff members knew someone in a similar situation I found myself in. I couldn¡¯t help but laugh as they talked about it without a clue of how it hit so close to home. Although I wasn¡¯t proud of how my relationship with Anya had morphed into one of dishonesty I was not ashamed of it any way, simply because I saw the righteousness and good in it, everything I felt the Universe stood for. I wanted to put in my two cents but didn¡¯t want them to wonder how I knew so much about such a taboo topic. It went to show me though, beyond what I believed before I met Anya, these situations were more prevalent and common than people realized. Then, as if he knew I was dating a married woman, one of my staff members on the Compton engagement said something that struck home.
¡°Does he really think she is going to leave him for his one bedroom apartment?¡± he wondered aloud.
When I heard this, my heart dropped into my bowels, as it mirrored my own situation which in returned my thoughts back on the potter¡¯s wheel, to be further molded by the hands of hopelessness. My staff member¡¯s words stuck with me from that later afternoon into the early evening as it made me sick that Anya may have felt that way about me after all we shared. That even Carolyn and Debbie may have even pointed it out to her. When Flora moved out of her beautiful home of ten years, Anya told me ¡°it didn¡¯t matter where you lived as long as you were happy¡±. I trusted those words with my life, but for the possibility to exist that my apartment didn¡¯t measure up to Jackson¡¯s estates home, caused me to throw up when I got home. Not because it fell under judgment, and it should be considered, however she knew about the size of my place from day one. My one bedroom apartment never bothered her each time she asked to visit me, so how could it come under scrutiny? Did she think we¡¯d live here if she left? I understood my one bedroom apartment was a downgrade from her estates home, but how could that be a problem when she knew that from the very beginning? The more I thought about it as a possibility, something she probably would never tell me if it were true because she ¡°loved¡± me, the more inclined I would be to pressure her for a promise. This was an example of one of the many things that would lead to my struggle, and how hard it was not to pressure her. But it made sense when I wondered why I hadn¡¯t received a promise.
Later that evening, as I immersed myself in the greatest of self doubt, Anya set me a text to see what I was up to. When I told her I was just relaxing, she hit me with a pop culture query.
7:13 p.m.
¡°Have you heard of the book ¡°Twilight¡±? People, esp young adults are crazy about the series. How¡¯s ur back?¡±
ME: ¡°Back is still sore, walking a little crooked but I¡¯m not close to climbing a bell tower just yet. Never heard of the book ¡®Twilight¡±. What is it about?¡±
ANYA: ¡°I¡¯m sorry about your back babe. I wish I could rub it for you. I¡¯m going to start reading the ¡°Twilight¡± series soon. It¡¯s a craze right now. It¡¯s fiction. Vampire love story.¡±
ME: ¡°How many books are in the series? Who is the author?¡±
ANYA: ¡°There are 4 books so far, and the first one is called ¡°Twilight¡± by Stephanie Meyer.¡±
ME: ¡°It sounds similar to ¡°The Historian¡±. I read that not too long ago. Have you read it?¡±
ANYA: ¡°No I haven¡¯t. Fiction?¡±
ME: ¡°More like historical fiction. It¡¯s about the origin of Dracula. It¡¯s pretty interesting.¡±
ANYA: ¡°Oh I c! I¡¯ll add it to my list! I miss u baby.¡±
ME: ¡°I miss you so much it¡¯s not even funny, literally. It¡¯s not funny. I love you.¡±
ANYA: ¡°I love you too. Maybe we can c each other when you go on vacation?¡±
ME: ¡°I would love to see you.¡±
ANYA: ¡°K!¡±
ME: ¡°!!!¡±
I left our textversation with mixed feelings, until five minutes later when I received an uninitiated sentiment.
8:02 p.m.
¡°I love you forever!¡±
Her ¡°I love you forever¡± stopped the world from spinning out of control in my head, as it put me back on track, like a needle on a record. If her lack of a promise was all about her lifestyle and image, why did she feel compelled to run away from home? What about the time she got inside her car and almost drove off until her son came out of the house? It amazed me how a single sweet text calmed the monster waves and dissolved the perfect storm clouds from my sky in an instant. She even texted me on this night as she made dinner, something she hadn¡¯t done in a while as I felt less like the disease but the cure again.
The new client engagement, and its associated stress, caused the week to be a maddening one for me which exacerbated then pronounced my negative feelings about the direction of our relationship, more notably, a lack of a promise. I also believed the issue with her kids was not all doom and gloom; that there was a lot of room and bloom¡or something like that. I had grown to love Anya¡¯s kids, and I felt over time they would come to appreciate me too. In Anya¡¯s specific situation, I didn¡¯t understand a mother¡¯s sacrifice. I her apparent insistence of martyrdom was unnecessary and ill advised, especially by friends who struggled as well. Anya and I found something special in each other, too special to even consider martyrdom with knowledge of the reason why we came into existence. To look for Katie and Andrew¡¯s approval seemed like something a best friend would seek, and not a parent. Anya was a great mother and I knew how much she loved her kids, but she had an obligation to teach them things they couldn¡¯t learn from textbooks, that material things did not lead to happiness, Approval and permission were not things parents should require from their children as I felt, if their kids didn¡¯t hate their parents in some way, their parenting techniques should warrant questioning. I knew she was well off. I knew it the first night I met her, but a sense of entitlement I didn¡¯t believe she exercised nor instilled in her children, however I felt Andrew and Katie did feel it in some way because of Jackson, as he tried to cover up for his past mistakes and the time his political and business aspirations took him away from them.
The question popped into my mind as time passed that by Anya leaving Jackson for me, did I also want the kids to hate their father? Absolutely not, as I also definitely didn¡¯t want them to learn of his indiscretions. I did want Anya however, to let her children simply know that there were things that happened in the past between them that she could not get past, stressing the word ¡°respect¡± or a lack thereof. If our relationship proved anything, it proved she did not truly love Jackson because no one could truly love someone and then share with someone else all we did. I trusted Anya¡¯s disdain for Jackson, and I even bet the house on it. I felt she owed this to me after all we shared and experienced over the last eleven months, twelve days removed from a year. If Anya went through such great lengths, as she even hid some things about her life from me that most certainly scared off Lance the romantic singer, then how could she not explain it to her kids that way? I only aimed to complement Jackson as their father, not take his place. I only looked to supplant him as Anya¡¯s husband. I wouldn¡¯t have wanted another man to supplant my my own father, but if he disrespected my mother, the way Jackson had, I¡¯d honor the choices my mother made for her happiness. Did Anya¡¯s children not respect her enough to honor her wishes in life? Were they that spoiled by Jackson to the extent she couldn¡¯t find support in her own decisions for the betterment of her well being, self worth and happiness? They were kids, too young to know, too ignorant to understand, and I felt Anya could take advantage and solace in that. As much as I despised Jackson as Anya¡¯s husband, I also knew I couldn¡¯t, nor would I ever, throw him under the bus to his kids. It wouldn¡¯t be right as it wasn¡¯t my place, but I strongly believed there was a good way to present a divorce to them without destroying the image of his trustworthiness.
The previous evening before I went to bed, I read that the group Air Supply hailed from Australia. With this interesting but useless knowledge in tow, I decided to pass it on to Anya.
8:00 a.m.
¡°I didn¡¯t know that about Air Supply! U¡¯d think they were from here! I¡¯m going to start ¡°Twilight¡± this weekend. The movie comes out on Friday.¡±
It seemed Anya made a decision not to wish me a ¡°good morning¡± anymore and it bummed me out she stopped doing something I not only got used to but looked forward to that helped my day get off to a great start. Of course, she didn¡¯t have to if she didn¡¯t want to, but it hit me in the gut a little bit. She then sent me a text, one about her daughter, and the excitement she felt, that made me further not understand why she stopped texting me ¡°good morning¡±.
8:39 a.m.
¡°Guess what? Katie might have a good chance at getting in the ghetto magnet school! The highest passing score is 700 and the cutoff is 650. She has 670.¡±
Anya always made me feel special whenever she shared the lives of her children, and it truly was an honor every time she did. I began to struggle with a fact that became truer each time she did though. Why she shared so much about the lives on her kids with me, inviting me to Katie¡¯s recital, if she still didn¡¯t know and couldn¡¯t even make me a promise to leave? Did she realize not only did I love her deeply, but I loved her kids too? Didn¡¯t she think I¡¯d want to be a part of their lives one day if she shared so much about them with me? If Lance, the romantic singer, left her because she had kids, and I told her they were a bonus plan to me, did she not trust me? Have I ever been dishonest with her in a way that served myself? Why bring me so close to them too? Every time she shared something about their lives with me, I wanted to be part of their lives that much more. I wasn¡¯t even close to Lance in regards to viewing them as baggage so why the indecision? By sharing this information, was Anya in essence trying to tell me that if she left Jackson, their grades would plummet and she would be responsible for their failure? How was Jackson¡¯s emotional and verbal abusive ways not to blame for the way Anya felt about her marriage? Were her kids that weak? Did she place them in a bubble to shield them from an imperfect world? How would they handle adversity in their own lives, something they would be sure to experience in life, if they were completely sheltered from it? I didn¡¯t want to discourage Anya from sharing the lives of both Katie and Andrew with me. It was simply the greatest honor a woman could ever bestow upon me, to trust me that much, even more than their own father, but it simply hurt me now because I felt she believed if I were a part of their lives, it would destroy theirs. And that was hard to understand after all Anya and I shared over the last eleven months.
As I struggled with her acceptance of me in their lives, she continued to share with me.
8:41 a.m.
¡°I¡¯m sooo relieved! They turned down 900 freshmen applicants last year. They only take the top 170 freshmen so she¡¯s still not out of the woods but a chance.¡±
After I read ¡°I¡¯m sooo relieved!¡± this couldn¡¯t have been Katie¡¯s decision to go to the ghetto magnet school. This only led me to wonder if Katie couldn¡¯t gain permission from her parents to choose the high school she wanted to go to, how come Anya needed their permission to leave her husband? Why would she feel ¡°sooo relieved¡± if this was a decision made by her daughter? Or maybe it was Jackson who pushed Katie to go to the magnet school? If it was what Katie truly wanted, and I would push her to go there as well, what about her well- being? To me, it seemed Katie was thirteen years old going on thirty. I always believed a woman should be self sufficient and not reliant on a man for income, and maybe this was why Anya pushed for this as she didn¡¯t want Katie to be controlled in her marriage, like she was. I admired that, but thirteen years was such a fragile age, and the push for perfect grades made me worry for her; strive for excellence, not perfection. I worked with some of the smartest kids in the accounting profession. Most had perfect grades, went to the best universities and high schools, and even graduated with honors. A year later, these same kids returned home, unemployed and were living with their parents. All parents wanted the best for their kids, but an employer in the real world couldn¡¯t care less about a perfect junior high or high school G.P.A. Those things could land you a good paying entry level job out of college, but I didn¡¯t believe it equated to career success or a life of fulfilment. I felt Anya and Jackson had both Katie and Andrews¡¯ best interests in their hearts, but I just hoped they didn¡¯t heap too much stress upon a thirteen year old and allowed her to be a kid too. She had the rest of her life to be an adult and be stressed, but she was a kid for a short period of time in her life, and yes it was ideal for her to get good grades and to get a good head start in life, but not at the cost of overburdening her with worries adults should have. Katie had the entire rest of her adult life to stress out.
ME: ¡°900 applicants were turned down? That¡¯s insane. Does this year count for her?¡±
ANYA: ¡°Unfortunately no. Total GPA and test score for the 6th and 7th grade. Just like college, this year doesn¡¯t count b/c they won¡¯t have results b4 application acceptance.¡±
ME: ¡°Do you know what was the lowest score they accepted last year to the program?¡±
ANYA: ¡°They said the lowest scored student they accepted last year was 655. So, she has a small to good chance.¡±
ME: ¡°I like her chances, babe. I think she¡¯s going to get in.¡±
ANYA: ¡°I hope so. How r u?¡±
ME: ¡°I¡¯m ok. How r u?¡±
ANYA: ¡°Just ok? Still clearing out Katie¡¯s room. Office work, study and hair appt. Busy day?¡±
I didn¡¯t know what part of her response bothered me, so I¡¯ll make it simple and just say the whole thing did. The sad part about it was, Anya really didn¡¯t do anything she thought was wrong, but to this sensitive heart of mine, it seemed to discard my existence. She gave no effort consistent with the way she claimed to miss me, as it seemed she resigned to remain on the fence, and inclined to not figure anything out, like a person who borrowed more money than they could ever afford to pay back. It seemed she left her home on Monday night just to catch nothing more than a breather, and not to make me a promise to leave. I felt the walls closed in on me as another long stressful day awaited me at work on a new engagement. As much as she shared with me about their lives, I was nothing but a bad thing if I were in the lives of Katie and Andrew. A bad person for them to know even though she loved me. My ¡°one bedroom apartment¡± not good enough for her or them, just good enough to kill some time in, like a floating lily pad that a current eventually returned to the mud. My mind now stuck orbiting a sun that only gave life to my negative emotions as I neared implosion for the first time, and truly losing her for good, but if I didn¡¯t say something, I would continue to wither away in this doubt.
ME: ¡°Well, I miss you. My days are always just going to be ok. You¡¯re torn. I know. Pretty busy day for me today.¡±
Anya then did something she never did before; she didn¡¯t respond to my text, and when she did, three hours elapsed.
12:07 p.m.
¡°R u mad at me baby?¡±
Her text left me disheartened and discouraged, and a little mad with her because of how she brought me so close to her without a promise. After all we shared, how could she ever go back to her marriage with that on her conscience? Did she have one? Because I always believed she did; she would do the right thing. Instead, I felt she viewed me only as a threat who would potentially ruin the lives of her children, and if she felt that way, even in the slightest sense, how could she truly love me? She shared their entire lives with me so how could she expect me to never want to be a part of their lives? If I didn¡¯t get it after our beautiful morning together, I certainly didn¡¯t understand after a beautiful November Monday night in which we easily could have been parents to a child of our own creation. This wasn¡¯t about selling her out to anyone. I just didn¡¯t understand how she could not at least promise me to leave after she had shared so much already. It seemed like she felt I didn¡¯t have grounds to feel the way I did, and if she believed how I could feel this way, then how could she in return expect me to understand staying for the sake of her kids?
I could respond the only way I¡¯ve grown to know how.
ME: ¡°Not at all, babe. I love you.¡±
Since it felt like I didn¡¯t have a right to feel the way I did. I instead found it best to try to figure out what I felt before I could tell her, ¡°Yes, I¡¯m mad¡±. I was confused and frustrated by this more than anything as I held out hope she would bring me some clarity, but after I sent my text, she never responded back, not even to say ¡°I love you, too¡±. When I didn¡¯t receive her response, it brought out all I felt inside since I started to struggle.
ME: ¡°I struggle just like u struggle. I just don¡¯t get it sometimes and I get caught between compassion and disbelief. I also think very positively as well. It¡¯s a struggle for me to understand, but I do for the most part. I don¡¯t want to make you sad or give you any grief. It¡¯s not the fact I¡¯m in your life that I feel the way I do; it¡¯s the reason I¡¯m in your life. That¡¯s what I grapple with. But every time I get frustrated I only find out I¡¯m upset for nothing. That I misread things and they aren¡¯t what I thought they were. Plus, I hate tension between us as much as u do. I don¡¯t like getting mad b/c I always feel bad afterwards plus it¡¯s always just frustration anyway. There¡¯s too much love between us. I am just hoping and praying that u see this as not me vs. The kids but You vs. him, You vs. your marriage to a mentally abusive husband. That¡¯s what it really is. I think the stress of my job intensifies the missing too b/c when I¡¯m w/u these feelings don¡¯t exist, like I¡¯m on the best drug. Nothing matters and life is perfect. Not all love stories are fiction babe.¡±
When she didn¡¯t respond to my text, I couldn¡¯t hold back the pain any longer, as it became too much on my heart. I tried to be noble, and let it roll off me like shower water, but I was a sponge now. I wanted to be honest with her about the way I felt, as it wasn¡¯t fair to leave her in the dark too. Anya could not have it both ways. She couldn¡¯t share every detail of the lives of her children with me, to care for them too, and then pit them against me if she truly loved me, as it would only leave me to search for the reasons, without directly asking, she couldn¡¯t make a promise to leave her marriage.
ANYA: ¡°I understand.¡±
This woman who loved me so much, who missed me so badly, could only muster two words in response? Maybe she was busy and these emotions of mine came at a bad time for her? I hope they didn¡¯t, but at the same time if I couldn¡¯t address them now, when could I? Her kids were at school and would be home later. I had to deal with negative emotions as I managed a team on a new engagement and now, I was surrounded by looks of concern on their faces as they knew something wasn¡¯t right with their boss. Anya and I were both in this together, and as much as this was about Anya¡¯s happiness, wasn¡¯t I entitled to happiness as well and the same peace of mind? When I didn¡¯t hear back from her for a couple of hours I reached out via text.
ME: ¡°I hope you¡¯re not mad at me babe. Just wanted to be honest about my feelings, that¡¯s all.¡±
ANYA: ¡°Not mad. No thoughts to talk about.¡±
ME: ¡°If I texted anything that bothered you babe, I¡¯m sorry. You can disagree with me. I love u, u know.¡±
ANYA: ¡°I know, I love you too.¡±
ME: ¡°You¡¯re the only one who has ever truly loved me.¡±
ANYA: ¡°I truly do.¡±
The last two hours of this workday carried the weight of ten as my mind filled with torturous thoughts. Although she considered us ¡°apart¡±, nothing truly changed about our relationship, as we did the same things we did when we were together. Anya could call it what she wanted to, but the truth was we became closer when apart. Anya, for the sake of her kids, put herself in a complete state of denial about her own self, and I loved her way too much not to fight for her to get back in touch with her true self and the reality of her situation. Although I believed she had to face the folks, I wanted her to on her own time table, but it hurt she couldn¡¯t meet me halfway. I may have texted her something wrong, but at the same time, it needed to be addressed, and not pretend it didn¡¯t exist, like her denial of the true state of our relationship. How could she come all this way and let a lie about her life stop her?
When my day in Compton mercifully ended, and it had nothing to do with the location of my body but rather the location of my mind, I sent Anya a text to see what she was up to.
5:38 p.m.
¡°Just having a spill w/C&D.¡±
ME: ¡°Are you at the mall by my place, again?¡±
ANYA: ¡°No just a local restaurant. I have a book club holiday gathering at 7:30 tonite. They all love ¡°Twilight¡± forbidden love. Leads me to think they live vicariously.¡±
ME: ¡°I hope you¡¯re having a nice time. Does the girl in the story know she¡¯s in love with a vampire though?¡±
ANYA: ¡°Yes she does know he¡¯s a vampire. She loves him regardless.¡±
ME: ¡°Is this a different book club and you guys are reading ¡°Twilight¡± now?¡±
ANYA: ¡°Same one babe. We always get together for a gift exchange. ¡°Twilight¡± was not a book club book but they all have read it b/c of their teen daughters.¡±
ME: ¡°Oh I see. Did you start reading the book yet?¡±
ANYA: ¡°I¡¯m going to start tonight.¡±
ME: ¡°Ok. Well, I just wanted to check in. Have a nice dinner and if I don¡¯t hear from you have a goodnight. I love you.¡±
ANYA: ¡°I love you too. I¡¯m sorry for shutting down today. It wasn¡¯t the best day of communication for us was it?¡±
ME: ¡°There¡¯s a lot of emotions we¡¯re dealing with here. Did I say anything in particular that made you shut down?¡±
ANYA: ¡°I really don¡¯t want to get into it if u don¡¯t mind. I want to rest my mind.¡±
ME: ¡°Sure babe. Again, I¡¯m sorry for anything I said that unsettled you. That wasn¡¯t my intention. I just wanted to be honest about what I felt at the moment.¡±
ANYA: ¡°I¡¯m sorry too.¡±
I felt bad for Anya, that what I said compelled her to shut down. How would she have felt if after all we shared, under the same set of circumstances, I turned around to her one day out of the blue and said ¡°You know what, you¡¯re distracting me. I need time to figure things out and clear my head.¡± Did she understand how much that could hurt someone after all she allowed and encouraged me to share with her? Wouldn¡¯t that make her question my love for her on some level? Wouldn¡¯t she think I just requested time from her to figure out if I truly loved her? Wouldn¡¯t that put doubt in her mind at all? Was it my one bedroom apartment versus the twenty-eight-foot island in her kitchen? Was loving me a bad thing? Were we a bad thing in her eyes? How could I be the disease and her husband be the cure after all she shared with me about him? This was how I felt these days and why I broke down. I wanted to respect her wishes, but the last thing I expected was a shut down, because to me that showed a lack of understanding, not an understanding like she claimed. As I sat on my bed and stared off into a mundane ceiling, she sent me a surprise text.
9:46 p.m.
¡°R u there?¡±
ME: ¡°I¡¯m here, babe. R u ok?¡±
ANYA: ¡°I¡¯m ok. Just leaving home to read. I hope your back is better. Goodnight.¡±
ME: ¡°Thank you. Drive safe. Goodnight. I love you.¡±
ANYA: ¡°I love you.¡±
The next morning, still upset with myself I may have upset her with my text from the prior day, I messaged her to ask if she got anything from the book club holiday party and if she started to read ¡°Twilight¡±.
8:29 a.m.
¡°Good morning. I only got to pg. 12, was tired. I got a pack of panties. It¡¯s the same brand I wear so I was happy. Stepping into KB.¡±
When I didn¡¯t see an exclamation point complement her ¡°good morning¡± nor a corresponding ¡°I miss u.¡±, I felt I had to beg the question as I felt second to kickboxing.
ME: ¡°How r u? R u sure you¡¯re not mad at me?¡±
I didn¡¯t mind finishing second to her kids, but not to her KB class as she disappeared on me as if she never missed me for a second of her day. I loved to work out, as it positively affected my mood, but I¡¯d never let a workout stop me from talking to someone I missed constantly, which led me to believe she was still unsettled with what I texted to her. Almost two hours after I sent my text, Anya responded.
10:17 a.m.
¡°I¡¯m fine thanks. Pretty busy. I¡¯m not mad at u. Just don¡¯t know what to do. Easier for me to shut down sometimes than to hurt. I miss u.¡±
ME: ¡°I¡¯m sorry. Seems like I can¡¯t get a good read on how you¡¯re feeling so I have to ask. I miss u too. I love you.¡±
ANYA: ¡°I think we just need to feel each other. It¡¯s like we¡¯re lost without the closeness. I love you too.¡±
The time spent apart after Monday brought us so close it made the subsequent days more difficult to endure, as I wondered more than ever what kept her from extending me a promise. Before we parted each other¡¯s digital company, she informed me she preferred to read ¡°Twilight¡± than to study the nursing process, which inspired me to go out and buy the book so we could read it together. Later that afternoon I texted Anya to see how her day went.
3:29 p.m.
¡°Well, I didn¡¯t get much done. Had a Dr.¡¯s appt. then started reading again. Want to finish before the movie comes out tomorrow. Katie wants to see it.¡±
ME: ¡°Sounds like your day wasn¡¯t too busy! That¡¯s good!¡±
ANYA: ¡°Started off busy but went south. Oh well. How¡¯s urs? R u better today?¡±
ME: ¡°Day went well. Much better today thank you.¡±
ANYA: ¡°Maybe we can have tea on Saturday?¡±
ME: ¡°Would love to have tea on Saturday. I¡¯d like to apologize to you in person rather than through text. I didn¡¯t mean to put you into shut down mode.¡±
ANYA: ¡°Was it triggered by something I said? I was happy and u were the first friend I told about Katie¡¯s scores. I feel like I got blasted for sharing with you.¡±
Finally, Anya began to confess what bothered her, but to refer to it as a ¡°blasting¡± I felt was an unfair depiction. Would she have rather I hid that from her? Could she understand how it made me feel to share the lives of her kids with me as if she wanted me to be a part of their lives, yet be too afraid toward making that a reality? I know she didn¡¯t want them to hate me too, and I tied to look at it in that mindset too, but at the same time, I felt that would be her job to make sure they didn¡¯t hate me. To build me up and support me in front of them, and if she couldn¡¯t do that, then could she truly love me? She then further elaborated on the reasons why I ¡°blasted¡± her for sharing.
3:29 p.m.
¡°Maybe cuz I said I was working on Katie¡¯s room and it sounded like ¡°business as usual¡±? I can¡¯t stop their world.¡±
ME: ¡°I think it did. Not that I want you to be unhappy but when you share a part of Katie¡¯s or Andrew¡¯s life with me, it makes me want to be a part of it. I¡¯m sorry that it felt like a blasting. I just wanted to communicate to you how I was feeling b/c you asked me if I was mad. I understand and I would never ask of u or want u to stop their world. I know it¡¯s not easy for you, babe. Hard on both of us.¡±
ANYA: ¡°I miss you so much. It¡¯s not easy for me either. I¡¯m sorry. I didn¡¯t know how you felt. I will stop. It¡¯s just that they r my being and I want to share the good and the bad w/my best friend.¡±
Anya realized how I felt, but did she really when her only remedy was to stop sharing their lives with me rather than find a way to make me a part of it? It amazed me how easily, and conveniently, she seemed to forget she told me the only reason she was still there was because she feared no man would want to be with her due to them. I have done nothing but prove over the last eleven months I was everything Lance, the romantic singer, wasn¡¯t, in regards to her kids. So, why would leave me out in limbo instead of trying to find a way to make me a part of their lives after sharing the good and bad with her best friend? Wasn¡¯t the only thing keeping her there was because no one would want to be with her because she had kids? Now that I proved that to be entirely untrue, the solution now was to stop sharing their lives with me? To punish me instead of rewarding me? The more I thought about her remedy, the more I bled inside.
ME: ¡°It makes me sad you would stop sharing their lives with me. I didn¡¯t always feel this way, you know. For that alone, I want you to share their lives with me. I really want to know but babe it hurts me now.¡±
ANYA: ¡°Idk what to do anymore. Idk. I don¡¯t want you to hurt anymore.¡±
ME: ¡°Do you feel our relationship is about me versus your kids?¡±
ANYA: ¡°Explain please.¡±
ME: ¡°Is it a bad thing for your kids to know me? Am I a bad thing for your kids?¡±
ANYA: ¡°No way! Not at all! They¡¯d probably think you were the cause. Only if they knew what kind of man you are, they¡¯d fall in love.¡±
ME: ¡°They probably wouldn¡¯t like me at first, I understand that, but I think over time they would really end up liking me.¡±
ANYA: ¡°I believe that.¡±
ME: ¡°Of course, you couldn¡¯t introduce me right away. It would have to be done slowly.¡±
ANYA: ¡°I know. Baby steps, babe. I¡¯m guarded.¡±
ME: ¡°Baby steps for sure, babe. I understand.¡±
ANYA: ¡°I can¡¯t even pretend to fully understand what you¡¯re going through. I¡¯m in love w/u and I know how hard it is for me. I¡¯m sure u have your own version of hell. Sorry.¡±
I felt for Anya to not know how hard it has been for me was a testament to my nobility up to this point. I really only had a few hiccups over the last eleven months, and although I didn¡¯t open up to her completely about how hard this truly was on me, I felt over time and with a promise, they would all be moot points, and not worth mentioning anyway. I just didn¡¯t know if her version of hell was similar to mine.
ANYA: ¡°Just think about a year ago about this time you were on your vacation break minding your own business and content with life. I came into your life and flipped it upside down!¡±
ME: ¡°Our hell may be different in shape but it has the same color and feel.¡±
ANYA: ¡°Yup I agree. Well put.¡±
ME: ¡°You know, it¡¯s been pretty good too, babe. Much more good than bad.¡±
ANYA: ¡°Ok well you walked into a quicksand!¡±
ME: ¡°I think you¡¯re right. I think we need to feel our closeness again. I miss your lips against mine. I miss everything about you.¡±
ANYA: ¡°I miss your kiss too. I miss hanging in your bed with you. I miss you pulling me back to you when I try to leave. I miss laughing with you.¡±
ME: ¡°It¡¯s crazy how the simplest pleasures in life matters the most to us.¡±
ANYA: ¡°I love you my best friend.¡±
ME: ¡°I love you too, my best friend. We¡¯re one.¡±
ANYA: ¡°I believe we are babe. I love you forever. I have to get up at 3:30 so I¡¯m going to bed early. Carolyn wants to walk at 4 cuz she has to get into work early. So here is my goodnight. I¡¯m glad u had a better day. I¡¯m glad we are talking. I¡¯m glad we have each other. I love you forever.¡±
ME: ¡°Very sweet goodnight. Thank you for that. I love you forever too. Sweet dreams.¡±
After a heart filled discussion about her kids, I felt better and more informed about where her feelings were. Although I struggled to understand why she would be so guarded after she shares so much with me, her ¡°best friend¡±, I also understood what she meant by it as it seemed to support my concerns for them. It was just nice to see her reactions was a ¡°No way! Not at all!¡± when I asked if she thought I was a bad thing for her kids as I opted to trust her emphatic reaction to my question, rather than listen to a burdened heart and mind.
CHAPTER 22 ~ SUITE OF HOPE
¡°Unless commitment is made, there are only promises and hopes¡but no plans.¡±
~ Peter Drucker
The next morning, Anya greeted me with concern which only heightened mine.
8:02 a.m.
¡°Good morning. I feel like I need to protect myself. I will meet you for tea under one condition.¡±
After I read her text, I didn¡¯t know how to respond. Protect herself from whom? From what? The man she loved? The man who loved her more than life itself? It brought me back to the time she told me she had a ¡°stalker¡± as I feared she may start to see me in that same light. I then remembered our electronic discussion regarding Katie and Andrew as I feared I said something that unsettled her or she simply misunderstood. I knew I wasn¡¯t their father, but I cared about them as if I was. Did she think I was mad enough to hurt her, and that¡¯s she needed to protect herself? Worry consumed me as my fingers graced my phone in response.
ME: ¡°Protect yourself?¡±
ANYA: ¡°Yes, protect myself.¡±
I didn¡¯t know what to think after she told me, but with all the negative emotions that swirled around me, I sensed our story now neared its conclusion.
My hands then trembled as I held onto my phone for dear life, unable to respond. Why the sudden need to protect herself from me? If she feared anyone, it should be her own husband. Did she no longer trust me after I explained to her how I felt? How much it hurt to know so much about her two wonderful kids; two people she didn¡¯t know she could ever introduce me to. She told me no one would be with her because she had ¡°baggage¡±, not because she didn¡¯t want another man in their lives. I could understand if I had no direction or goals in life, a deadbeat, but even a man like myself who would treat them as if they were my own? Why would she ever feel a need to protect herself from me? Did my emotions remind her of the guy who stalked her? Did he experience the same things I did with her indecision after being shown so much love too? Is that what drove him to ¡°stalk¡± her? Did she purposely allow and encourage me to feel all I did for nothing and my finding out now drove the need for her to protect herself? Haunted by the unknown, I reluctantly asked for relief.
ME: ¡°What are you afraid of babe? I don¡¯t understand.¡±
ANYA: ¡°Promise you won¡¯t tickle me! I¡¯m afraid!¡±
Tickling? Tickling. I couldn¡¯t believe it.
ME: ¡°I don¡¯t know, babe. I know your weakness now.¡±
ANYA: ¡°C! You have to promise!¡±
ME: ¡°Sure. I promise.¡±
ANYA: ¡°Ok. Don¡¯t come back with ¡°I had my fingers crossed¡±! I won¡¯t trust your promise after that.¡±
ME: ¡°You¡¯re no fun anymore. You know all my tricks! Have you been able to schedule a time for your tickling¡I mean for your tea tomorrow?¡±
ANYA: ¡°Ha! I don¡¯t quite have a time yet. The kids have tutoring till 10 and I have to drop them off at home first. I¡¯m thinking 10:30-11ish. Can I tell you tomorrow?¡±
ME: ¡°Of course babe! Take your time. You got me this morning! I thought I said something else wrong last night! I¡¯ll try to tickle you¡I mean, not try to tickle you.¡±
ANYA: ¡°Yep! Don¡¯t try! JK! I guess you couldn¡¯t read me this morning.¡±
ME: ¡°I¡¯m really looking forward to seeing you tomorrow. Have a great day babe! I miss you and I love you.¡±
ANYA: ¡°Me too! Have a great day! I miss u, I love u!¡±
Our exchange was a prime example of how my negative emotions caused me to go deaf, blind and dumb all at once at times. How the lack of a promise led to even foolish doubts. I once again resorted to the worst case scenario instead of the real case scenario as this internal struggle took its toll on me. Overall, I chalked it up to what Anya felt as well; that we were lost without our closeness. We experienced the ultimate bond just a week in a half ago, as we became one person and it was hard to be separated as I needed the assurance she felt the same way I did. As the days mounted, so did the fear of abandonment for me. She truly was, in every sense, all I had and all I ever wanted. I couldn¡¯t fathom ever getting this close to someone again. I wanted all I felt to be real. Everything I shared and felt, I wanted it all be real, and when it didn¡¯t feel real, I stumbled out of fear, so much so it blinded me to her light hearted, fun loving, and simple nature I fell so hard for.
Later that morning, Anya confirmed our tea time the following day.
11:00 a.m
¡°Hi! I¡¯m sorry but I have to change tea time. I may have to go into DP office to clear out the rest of the stuff after tutoring. Can u meet 9:10ish instead?¡±
ME: ¡°Not a problem at all, babe. Sounds good.¡±
ANYA: ¡°K! Thank u! I¡¯ll text u first thing to give u the heads up if things change. Remember, you promised!¡±
ME: ¡°What did I promise?¡±
ANYA: ¡°Ha ha! Not funny!¡±
ME: ¡°Babe, how could I promise anything if I didn¡¯t remember making it?¡±
ANYA: ¡°What? You better not! Maybe I¡¯ll forget we¡¯re meeting tomorrow? My brain is older than urs!¡±
ME: ¡°Ok, since you put it that way, just for you I¡¯ll put a string around my finger.¡±
ANYA: ¡°You¡¯re sooo cute!¡±
ME: ¡°Then again what if the string falls off and I forget? What do I do then? Would you still hold it against me?¡±
ANYA: ¡°No excuses!¡±
ME: ¡°String don¡¯t fail me now.¡±
As behind on work I was, I had zero business taking a vacation, but I needed a recharge in the worst way. I lost a great deal of focus due to my relationship with Anya, and even to a slight degree, even my mother¡¯s cancer news I¡¯d have to bring myself down to earth to. I didn¡¯t have any plans to go anywhere as I just wanted to stay at home and hopefully see Anya as much as her schedule would allow me to.
Even Fridays no longer felt the same to me as I dreaded the weekends when my mind would hold my heart captive. That afternoon though, she sent a text that I hoped helped ease the dread.
4:43 p.m
¡°Still working baby?¡±
ME: ¡°I am, but I¡¯m almost home free. How was your day?¡±
ANYA: ¡°Does ur vacation officially start tonight? My day was steady busy.¡±
ME: ¡°Yes, and it couldn¡¯t come at a better time. I miss you!¡±
ANYA: ¡°I¡¯m excited for you! I miss you too!¡±
ME: ¡°Are you going to see ¡°Twilight¡± tonight?¡±
ANYA: ¡°No!!!!! I¡¯m bummed! Katie is going to c it tonight. I decided to finish the 1st book before I go. R u going to read it babe?¡±
ME: ¡°I think that¡¯s a smart move. I think it would ruin the books for you if you saw the movie. Yes. I picked it up but haven¡¯t started yet. Katie didn¡¯t want to wait until you finished the book to see it with you?¡±
ANYA: ¡°She decided to see it w/her friends tonite. I¡¯m ok w/it. Chop liver! She wants to see it w/me again this weekend but I want to finish the book 1st.¡±
ME: ¡°Sorry to hear she didn¡¯t wait for you babe.¡±
ANYA: ¡°She¡¯s just being a teen. Nothing personal.¡±
Even though she downplayed it. I¡¯m sure it was hard on Anya when her one time little girl chose to see the movies with her friends instead. Anya and Katie seemed to be close, and to witness her pull away, as Katie began to be influenced by her friends more than her parents, I¡¯m sure added to her need for closeness with me. Another reason I pushed Anya, to consider the future and not just the present. Because her kids would leave her one day; maybe even be states away. And then it would only be her and Jackson. Anya immersed herself in the present so deeply, I struggled to sway her away from today and into tomorrow. As our digital transmissions continued, I asked her if she had any plans on this night.
ANYA: ¡°I¡¯m just hanging. Andrew has a friend over so I¡¯m going to read. I might go over to Debbie¡¯s if I can rally. Any big goals while you¡¯re off?¡±
ME: ¡°To see you if possible. That¡¯s my big goal.¡±
ANYA: ¡°I would like to relax w/you on Monday if ok w/you. After tomorrow my days are pretty full w/the Turkey Day coming up.¡±
ME: ¡°Would love to relax w/you on Monday!¡±
ANYA: ¡°Ok! Tea time is still up in the air. Can I still let u know in the morning? I will definitely get away just don¡¯t know exactly what time I can.¡±
ME: ¡°Not a problem! I¡¯m flexible! I miss you!¡±
ANYA: ¡°K! Thank u! I miss u too! It¡¯s been a week. Seems like a month.¡±
ME: ¡°Tell me about it! I can¡¯t believe I¡¯m actually going see you tomorrow. I thought Saturday would never come.¡±
ANYA: ¡°I know! Can u believe it?¡±
ME: ¡°No. It¡¯s been over a week since I last tickled you. Can¡¯t wait to tickle you tomorrow.¡±
ANYA: ¡°Know what? You won¡¯t believe this but I have to work all morning so it looks like I won¡¯t be able to make it to Cascade Park!¡±
ME: ¡°Did I type tickle? I meant trickle. I can¡¯t wait to see our cups trickle with tea! I miss seeing our cups trickling with tea! That¡¯s what I meant to type. I¡¯m sorry.¡±
ANYA: ¡°Ok I don¡¯t trust you! U better be kidding! U don¡¯t want me to have an ¡°accident¡± in your car do you? I swear I¡¯ll scream! You¡¯re having fun with this but it¡¯s not funny!¡±
ME: ¡°How many times do I need to tell you I meant trickle not tickle! I won¡¯t tickle you, I promise. I just tied the string to my finger.¡±
ANYA: ¡°You promised! I¡¯m serious!¡±
ME: ¡°You¡¯re not going to believe this but this damn string keeps sliding off!¡±
ANYA: ¡°What? Ok you¡¯re just having too much fun with this. I should have known! It¡¯s my weakness! I¡¯m not taking responsibilities for ¡°involuntary¡± reactions like swings!¡±
ME: ¡°I¡¯ll bring a football helmet to wear just in case! I love you, babe!¡±
ANYA: ¡°Haha! Going to take a shower and read! I love you babe!¡±
I didn¡¯t hear back from her for the rest of that Friday evening, and although it bummed me out, overall, we had a fun day together as we exchanged over forty text messages, as each of them sent the subtle reminder she was my best friend.
The next morning, the twenty-second day of November, now smack in the middle of fall, I received a text from her that helped me better plan for my Saturday.
8:56 a.m
¡°9:15ish!¡±
And when I arrived in the ¡°Good Morning Caf¨¦¡± parking lot, after what seemed like months, I received a text from her.
9:13 a.m
¡°On my way! Can you get me a hot green tea pleeeez?¡±
I usually arrived early so I could grab her a drink, but I usually got her an iced tea, so her text couldn¡¯t have been more important to send. I loved it when my day started with Anya, as it just filled my entire day with happiness and gave hope throughout it. I also knew though, when the sun went down, a heartache ensued and threatened to erase the beauty of the day.
When Anya pulled up and exited her black BMW only to fall inside the passenger side seat of my vehicle. She then turned to me with a look of distrust as I rubbed my hands together and stretched out my fingers in response.
¡°Now remember.¡± she said as she began to shy away. ¡°You promised.¡±
¡°I remember doing something like that.¡± I said.
¡°Ok¡good!¡±
¡°Do I need to take the lid off for verification?¡±
¡°Verification?¡±
¡°Yes. I promised you a hot green tea, and as you can plainly see.¡± I said as I slipped the lid off to show her. ¡°hot green tea.¡±
¡°That¡¯s not the promise I¡¯m talking about!¡± she exclaimed. ¡°and you know it!¡±
I smiled at her as she smiled back at me, as we both knew why we met each other today, and it had nothing to do with a made promise as I put my hand in hers as we drove to Cascade Park. With her hand in mine, she massaged mine within her own, and I tried to savor the moment with her, as our time together more vital as I wondered where her head was at. Technically we were not together, as she wanted to figure out things first, but it was only that; a ¡°technicality¡± and not the truth.
As I stopped curbside, I couldn¡¯t help but think how everything inside my car at this moment held the truth within it. All the texts. Monday night. Even every tea meeting we ever had, held the truth about her feelings. If it made her feel better to believe we weren¡¯t ¡°together¡±, then I¡¯d let her view it that way, but the truth was we¡¯ve never been closer. Even more than when she viewed us as being ¡°together¡±. This particular tea time represented the ultimate truth especially when we considered the good natured fun we had about her kryptonite.
Anya looked just as beautiful to me since the first day I saw her; on the second day of June, nearly eighteen months ago. She left me stunned then and just as stunned now; even more so after I had gotten to know her and all the things we had in common. We were a different version of the same person, but during our lives, we lost our way due to disappointments with love. When we found each other though, we merged back into one as the universe put us back in touch. We had the same viewpoints on a lot of issues, with the exception of one, but I found it easy to align myself to accommodate for the difference. I really didn¡¯t believe, even as doubts crept in from time to time, she would stay with Jackson. I trusted she would eventually find a way to leave. I just didn¡¯t know when that time would come, simply because she was a good person in a very tough spot. At some point, she would reflect upon the actual situation before her and come to the same conclusion I did and refuse to live a lie after all we¡¯ve already shared. She would eventually succumb to a sense of obligation, especially when she admitted she ¡°flipped my life upside down¡±, and do the right thing; an admission she was responsible for this relationship, as I found her to be empathetic enough to not do the right thing.
As I stopped my car from running and placed my car in park, she leaned over the car¡¯s middle console as our lips spoke to each other; my senses of taste and smell beyond satisified, and in good working order. After twenty minutes passed by, she then pulled away and looked downcast.
¡°Are you okay?¡± I asked. ¡°I kept my promise.¡±
¡°I¡¯m not pregnant.¡± she said with a hint of sadness in her tone.
¡°You sound sad.¡±
¡°I am.¡± she said.
¡°Could you imagine if you were?¡± I asked. ¡°It would be hard enough explaining a divorce to Katie and Andrew, let alone throwing that on top of it.¡±
¡°You¡¯re right and that¡¯s why it freaked me out that I forgot I was ovulating.¡± she said. ¡°But it¡¯s hard not to dream of it still.¡±
¡°I dream of it too.¡± I said. ¡°Did you have to go through a pharmacy to get those pills?¡±
¡°Yes, but they¡¯re easy to get.¡± she said. ¡°I¡¯m very fertile and all it takes is one little guy to get in there. I start ovulating fourteen days after I get my period.¡±
As I nodded with a smile, I began to wonder if it was common for married women to seek the ¡°morning after¡± pill as she had to have her medical history on record with the pharmacy and a ¡°Mrs.¡± on her file.
¡°It¡¯s better than getting an abortion.¡± she continued.
If you discover this tale on Amazon, be aware that it has been unlawfully taken from Royal Road. Please report it.
¡°I don¡¯t know much about ovulation periods. I never knew they existed before I met you, but I can certainly agree with you there.¡±
¡°How¡¯s your mom doing?¡± she asked.
¡°She¡¯s doing okay. I haven¡¯t been over the house in a while, but I¡¯ll see her on Turkey Day. Thanks for asking. How are your parents doing?
¡°They¡¯re doing good, thank you.¡±
¡°What page are you on now? What did Katie think about the movie?¡± I asked.
¡°I¡¯m stuck on page sixty five!¡± she said. ¡°She loved it! Said it was a little scary.¡±
¡°Really? ¡°Twilight¡± was a little scary?¡± I stated with genuine intrigue. ¡°Makes me want to go check it out even more now.¡±
¡°Do you like scary movies?¡±
¡°I think they¡¯re pretty fun. I loved watching them growing up. I¡¯ve pretty much seen all the popular ones. Do you like scary movies?¡±
¡°I don¡¯t.¡± she said. ¡°I usually have to watch them through my fingers!¡±
¡°You didn¡¯t like ¡°The Sixth Sense¡±?¡± I asked.
¡°That was a really good movie, but scary!¡±
¡°I think ghost stories are great. I don¡¯t believe in ghosts but they¡¯re interesting.¡± I said. ¡°I think they¡¯re so far-fetched from reality it¡¯s why they don¡¯t scare me much.¡±
¡°I know¡I try to avoid scary movies. Traumatized after my parents took me to go see ¡°Dawn of the Dead.¡± when I was ten. I don¡¯t know what they were thinking!¡±
¡°They probably thought it was so far-fetched from their point of view that it wouldn¡¯t affect you.¡± I said. ¡°For instance, I saw the movie ¡°Jaws¡± when I was seven. When the movie ended at ten p.m., I couldn¡¯t sleep. But think about it¡Jaws? I wasn¡¯t sleeping on a beach! I was in the safety of my bedroom! How the hell is a shark going to come eat me? I guess our parents overestimated our logical reasoning skills at a very young age. But I must say I sure wished they¡¯ve left a slaughterhouse documentary on for me when I was young so I would have turned into a vegetarian!¡±
¡°Oh that! The slaughterhouse show was not their fault. I was eight! I watched it on my own not realizing what I was going to witness.¡±
¡°You can call it what you want, but you made a good life style choice if you asked me.¡± I said. ¡°I think the Universe has a plan for us. One we¡¯re unaware of. As if our lives are already predetermined by how we were wired by experiences the unseen forces put before us.¡± I said. ¡°Like how ¡°Dawn of the Dead¡± and that slaughterhouse documentary were the things that shaped you into who you are today.¡±
¡°I was also traumatized by ¡°Friday the 13th¡± and ¡°The Exorcist¡±. I think as a child if you¡¯re not mature or ready, what you watch can have a life long mark.¡±
¡°I think ¡°The Exorcist¡± even traumatized adults.¡± I said. ¡°Did your parents ever try to get you to eat anything that once had a face?¡±
¡°They tried for years, but couldn¡¯t get me to eat meat or fish.¡± she said. ¡°I think that is why I¡¯m so strict with what my kids watch plus I¡¯m an overprotective mom. You know that. It drives them crazy!¡±
¡°Yeah, but they will probably be the same way when they have kids too.¡± I said. ¡°I think less television is a good thing. So much garbage out there these days and it influences thinking, even logical thinking, especially with all the misinformation floating around on the internet, too.¡±
¡°Have you dated a mother with kids before?¡±
¡°Never.¡± I said as I noticed some kids playing in the park. ¡°I hope you can understand how much I love you Anya. It¡¯s why I feel so strongly about things because I know you feel the same for me. You invited me to Katie¡¯s recital, and I went because I wanted to be a part of not only your life, but her life too one day. You have shared so many things about Katie and Andrew with me, I feel like I know them, and it makes me want to know them. This may sound crazy, but I see a lot of myself in Andrew, but I also understand my place. I¡¯m not a replacement, but a supplement to their lives when the day comes, and I wouldn¡¯t want to undermine what you and your husband has instilled in them, your vision for their future. I would only want to assist to help them get there. Over time, I¡¯ve grown to care and love them too. I don¡¯t have to know them to feel that way simply because I know their mother. I still want to hear about their lives. I don¡¯t want you to stop sharing their lives with me. I¡¯d lose a little of what makes me feel special¡something I¡¯ve never felt before, but I guess I hope that you consider how badly I want to be with you, and how badly I¡¯d like to know them one day. That¡¯s all. I know what I want. If you still have my words saved to your phone, you know it too. I would love to know them one day. I think I can add to their lives and not deduct from it. They¡¯ve added to my life already and they don¡¯t even know a thing about it.¡±
¡°Thank you.¡± she said. ¡°I want to be with you badly too¡but you know, torn. If it was easy Landyn, I¡¯d choose to be with you today, but I have to factor them into my decision¡it¡¯s something I need time to figure out. I know how you feel, and I agree you would be a nice addition to their lives.¡±
¡°Thanks babe, I needed to hear that.¡± I said as I leaned in to taste her. ¡°That means a lot to me. So please just know, I love you. You¡¯re my best friend. Don¡¯t stop sharing their lives with me. They are an extension of you that I love to feel connected to.¡±
¡°I love you.¡±
¡°I love you, too.¡± I said. ¡°I guess it¡¯s that time, huh? The time I always dread.¡±
¡°I don¡¯t like leaving Cascade Park as much as you do.¡±
¡°I know.¡± I said as I feared the dread on the horizon.
As I reluctantly pull away from the comfort of Cascade Park, I realized how much this fall and holiday season felt so much different from last year. For the first time in decades, I truly loved the holiday season as the joy it brought a younger self seemed to surround me. Although I wished Anya and I could be at the park celebrating her pregnancy, instead of talking about the ovulation cycle and the morning after pill; I felt this was possible to have one day, and this pain was a necessary evil to go through in order to get there.
When I reached her car, I went in for a small tickle as Anya playfully laughed and tried to fend me off. Her thousand suns smile always warmed my heart as I wanted to leave her with the impression I wasn¡¯t heartbroken to see her leave. But this holiday season felt like the ones I used to have when I was a kid; when the next day brought so much joy, happiness, wonder and excitement. And just like then I counted down the days to Christmas, I began to count down the days to her promise even as I wondered why it failed to reach me yet. My patience and communication to her were key as I tried to live nobly, and to keep my mind on the prize. With the partnership promotion secured, Anya happiness became my only goal, for the simple fact, it was integral to my own, but I would always choose true love over money as I knew love was much more rare and precious to have.
After Jackson¡¯s confrontation, and even after she ¡°broke¡± up with me to figure things out, Anya love consumed me like never before as the truth became harder to hide which undoubtedly equated to the lack of ¡°good mornings¡± and ¡°good nights¡±. Jackson watched her relentlessly as he aimed to pounce on her happiness, not out of love, but to obtain evidence she was an ¡°unfit¡± mother, and to use it in court against her if he had to. Jackson became a political business monster, twisted by his allure of power, a trait he always possessed and made no apologies for. He executed the same mentality in his marriage, and if he ever learned Anya double crossed him, even after he ruined her, when it came to money, he¡¯d stand up against a hurricane to take the kids away from her. This is why she disappeared on me at times, to avoid Jackson¡¯s true self, as I tussled back and forth not able to ignore the hurt I felt when she did.
When I returned home and back to my regular life, I texted Anya to thank her for meeting me.
11:21 a.m
¡°We needed to feel each other. Ur welcome! Thank you for my tea! I love you!¡±
My vacation had gotten off to a great start simply because of one thing; I got to spend time with the most beautiful woman in this world to me. When I got home, to feel close to her, I lit a candle in my room, and began to read ¡°Twilight¡±, as if we were both reading in my bed together. After I read the first chapter, I rose from my bed and sprayed a few mists of her perfume on my bedsheets to pretend even more. As I absorbed myself in the story¡¯s second chapter, my phone began to vibrate and brought her even closer.
1:31 p.m
¡°I miss u.¡±
ME: ¡°I miss u too. How is your day going? I loved having you in my eyes again.¡±
ANYA: ¡°It went well. Back from the new corporate headquarters now running around. It was very nice to c u!¡±
ME: ¡°I thought you had to go to the old office then to the new one today? Right?¡±
ANYA: ¡°Yes, 1st old corporate office then off to the new one. Furniture install in the new corporate office this weekend. We cleaned out the old office early this morning before I saw you. Miss u. Gtg for now. Andrew¡¯s friends are over. I love you!¡±
ME: ¡°Miss u and love u too!¡±
As I laid on my bed, surrounded by candlelight and perfume mist, I felt remarkably sad as she transitioned herself back into Jackson¡¯s employee and wife, as I plunged back into a cold dark reality. I then felt ¡°technical¡±, as I focused on her response to ¡°I loved having her in my eyes again.¡± as I felt it deserved something more than ¡°It was very nice to see you.¡±. The Anya I knew a month ago would have met me there in some way romantically, but maybe Jackson watched her and it took her romantic side away as she couldn¡¯t really respond in kind? Taken into consideration, she just helped with the company move made it logical, but even my deduction skills did nothing to deduct the sadness for me. At what point did my empathy straddle the thin line of stupidity?
When the sun fell, I the dread I felt was pronounced as a blood moon in a dark sky. I knew I had to leave my apartment as my torturous mind took me to the place we met nearly a year ago to the day, Sonomas. I just hoped Mitch wouldn¡¯t be there with an ¡°I told you so¡± as I wasn¡¯t in any mood for his antics.
As I entered the bar area, nothing seemed different about it, which made me feel good, as I felt transported in time to the night I met Anya. I then walked back into ¡°Our office¡± and stood by the wall, and visualized the moment she leaned against, when she gazed up at me with love in her eyes as tears filled them, and asked me if I would fight for her. From that moment on, every day that passed since, I kept my promise. For twenty four hours a day, I fought for her to see the truth behind the fa?ade of her marriage as I fought my own mind and its negativity, and rallied with positive thoughts and empathy. However, I didn¡¯t expect to die, a little more each day, without her in my life. A dull existence without a promise from her. I became sickened to think there was a time she loved another man the way she loved me, and to know that technically, she remained with him, burned me alive to acknowledge that reality. That while I stood in ¡°our office¡±, with the knowledge I¡¯d give my life to have her with me, she was at home decorating Katie¡¯s room, and possibly spending time with him in celebration of a successful move. And even though I believed if she had the choice she would choose ¡°our office¡±, as it became a suite, more than an office to me, the fact was, all I had while I stood there alone were only memories and hope.
After an hour passed, I had the courage to step outside into the ¡°scene¡±. I then ordered a Corona, the drink Anya ordered the night she met me, and stood in the middle of the standing area as college football highlights played on the multiple flat screens stationed above me. I suddenly felt my phone vibrate in my pocket and rushed my hands to retrieve it in great anticipation, with memories and hope.
9:39 p.m
¡°Goodnight baby.¡±
After I read her message I felt better, but guilty at the same time. Now that Anya had me on her mind too, and with that safety, I decided to leave Sonomas. But before I could a woman¡¯s voice pierced the air around me.
¡°How are you?¡± she asked.
¡°I¡¯m good.¡± I said as I tried to show my zero interest.
¡°You looked bored so I thought I would come say ¡°hi¡±.¡± she said.
I didn¡¯t want to be rude to the thin blonde hair, blue-eyed girl before me. Before I met Anya, I would have stayed and talked with her, but my heart refused to allow it.
¡°I only stopped by for a quick beer¡± I said.
¡°I see. Are you married and needed some alone time?¡± she asked.
¡°Oh no. I¡¯m not married.¡±
¡°I see. Are you single?¡±
¡°I have a girlfriend.¡± I said.
¡°I see.¡± she said. ¡°Okay, well I guess I¡¯ll let you get back to being a human statue.¡±
¡°Someone¡¯s gotta do it.¡± I cracked. ¡°Thanks for saying hello. Have a nice evening.¡±
¡°You too.¡± she said as she walked away and then fell away from my life forever.
When I wasn¡¯t in love with Anya, to have any woman talk to me, let alone approach me, and start a conversation, was a near Halley¡¯s comet event, but I guess that¡¯s what love did; it made me aloof. Anya¡¯s love made you care about nothing but the one you loved. It silenced you from the desire to talk to anyone else. Anya was married and struggled everyday with how if affected her children for the last eleven months. Sure, I was unhappy with her pull away, and I even had a right to talk to other women if she couldn¡¯t commit a promise to me, I found it a great act of disrespect when I considered all she struggled with, and I respected her situation and circumstances to put my loneliness ahead of her. Although I loved her too much for another woman to enter my stream of consciousness, I found it equally disrespectful considering all she struggled with.
As these thoughts floated in my mind, and before I could make a clean break, I heard a familiar voice.
¡°Hey! I knew you¡¯d be back!¡± Mitch bellowed as he balanced himself upon my shoulder.
¡°I¡¯m not back, Mitch.¡± I snapped.
¡°What the fuck?¡± He slurred. ¡°You mean you¡¯re still together?¡±
¡°Yes.¡± I told him, nodding with widened eyes and flashing a smile.
¡°Even at ninety-eight two?¡±
¡°Even at ninety-eight two.¡±
¡°Well, I guess it¡¯s true what they say.¡±
¡°What¡¯s true?¡±
¡°Misery loves company.¡±
¡°She just needs time.¡± I quipped.
¡°Apparently! He cracked. ¡°Apparently, she needs a life time!¡±
¡°Whatever.¡±
He then patted me on the back.
¡°You¡¯re just that low earnin¡¯ relief pitcher sittin¡¯ in the bullpen¡ªnever good enough to start. A career back-up quarterback.¡± he ripped. ¡°And how do I know this? Because I¡¯ve played those roles before. I¡¯m gonna predict I¡¯ll see you more often next year.¡±
¡°That¡¯s your prediction?¡±
¡°That¡¯s my prediction.¡±
¡°I love her; I didn¡¯t get involved to sleep with her.¡± I reminded him yet again. ¡°I think you¡¯re wrong and we¡¯ll be together next year¡ªyou¡¯ll never see me in here again.¡±
He then took a hearty sip from his multi-colored beverage. I didn¡¯t know what he drank but I could smell it on his breath when he got into my face.
¡°She isn¡¯t leaving him, Landyn.¡± he belched, wiping his mouth with his forearm. ¡°She¡¯ll just come up with another excuse not to.¡±
¡°I disagree.¡±
¡°Hey! Janice!¡± he broke away as he grabbed the hand of a girl who passed by. ¡°Tell your friend Mitch wants to see her here next weekend.¡±
¡°She¡¯s busy next weekend!¡± she yelled.
¡°Tell her she needs to get out next weekend, no excuses!¡± he said. ¡°You tell her that!¡±
The girl responded with a hand wave, a gesture that ignored his drunken prowess as it provided a reminder how much I didn¡¯t miss this.
¡°Well, I gotta get out of here.¡± I said.
¡°Good seeing you, Land. I¡¯m going to set sail for vagina land.¡±
¡°You do that.¡±
¡°Enjoy hand land.¡± he cracked. ¡°See you soon.¡±
I then shook my head at him and headed out for the night. A bouncer who worked at the club when I frequented it gave me a fist bump before I left into the night and into the dreariness of all Mitch could very well be right about, as much as I refused to believe it.
The next morning, I received an unusual upbeat text from her.
8:18 a.m
¡°Good morning baby!¡±
ME: ¡°Good morning! How r u?¡±
ANYA: ¡°I¡¯m good! How r u? How was your night?¡±
After I read her text I said to myself. ¡°Really? She was good?¡± How I could be so sad and she be so ¡°good¡±. Did she feel any of the same things I did? Did she feel the same sense of loneliness last night after our day together? I was on vacation and still felt sad. Then again, would I want her to feel sad all because I did? Was that the point of having me in her life? To feel sad all the time? I guess I wanted to have my sadness validated.
ME: ¡°I¡¯m tired! I went out last night. How was your night?¡±
ANYA: ¡°Where did you go? My night was busy. I ended up having fifteen crazy boys from Andrew¡¯s soccer team over for swimming. They broke pictures, glasses, threw cake, etc.. boys!¡±
ME: ¡°OMG! It sounds like you had a frat party at your house last night! Too many zero point zeroes! Is the house a disaster area? Do you have to call Hazmat? I went to Sonomas last night for a little bit.¡±
ANYA: ¡°Ha! Not too bad!¡±
After this last text from Anya, I didn¡¯t hear back from her and she didn¡¯t even make any mention or remarks about Sonomas which surprised me. It was the place we met. The place we connected and reconnected. I felt like I had done something wrong by going there without her so I refused to let go of her on this morning.
ME: ¡°Did you get a chance to read yesterday? How does your day look today?¡±
ANYA: ¡°Didn¡¯t get a chance to read yesterday. A little busy today. U?¡±
ME: ¡°I didn¡¯t get a chance to read either. I missed you last night you know
ANYA: ¡°I missed you too.¡±
ME: I went into ¡°our office¡± for an hour. It was empty. I don¡¯t like seeing anyone in there. I feel like that¡¯s our personal place. I love you.¡±
ANYA: ¡°Why did you go into ¡°our office¡±? Idk why but I get a little sad when u go to Sonomas. I have no right or reason to but I do. Maybe it¡¯s jealousy.¡±
ME: ¡°I think you have every right to feel sad. It would be disrespectful of me to not consider your feelings towards it, and I¡¯m glad you feel that way because it lets me know you care about those things like I do. If I had known it would make you feel sad I wouldn¡¯t have gone. I won¡¯t go anymore. I have no reason to anyway. I was just trying to feel less lonely and it was a way to feel closer to you. That¡¯s all.¡±
ANYA: ¡°Oh no babe! Don¡¯t stop going because of me! I shouldn¡¯t have said anything! U can do whatever u want! I don¡¯t want u to not go if your friends want you to go! I miss u.¡±
ME: ¡°I know babe but it makes no sense for me to go if I¡¯m sad about being there and it has nothing to do with what you just told me. I met the love of my life there and it¡¯s not the same anymore. All I want is to see you walk through that door, and if you¡¯re not there, it¡¯s not the place I want to be. I miss u too babe.¡±
ANYA: ¡°Thank you, babe. Btw, Katie told me when a vampire bites you and drinks ur blood, u die, but if he just bites u, the venom spreads throughout your body and u become a vampire.¡±
ME: ¡°So what Katie is basically saying is you¡¯re f*cked either way.¡±
ANYA: ¡°In so many words, babe.¡±
ME: ¡°Duly noted. Thank you, Katie.¡±
This particular exchange left me with an overall good feeling, but I hated to think the revelation of my whereabouts the night prior made her feel sad when she was in such good spirits before she texted me. However, I found safety to know she felt jealousy, that the thought of me with someone else hurt her as much as it hurt me to imagine her with Jackson. I needed to know we were connected in that way, and I didn¡¯t care what people told me; the woman struggled with hurting her kids every single day and she had every right and reason, after all we¡¯ve shared, to feel the way she did. Again, it would have been a great act of disrespect to not acknowledge her struggle and just go out and have the time of my life with someone else, which I couldn¡¯t do with all these feelings for her even if I tried. Never a divorcee; always the widower.
Later on that cozy Sunday afternoon, Anya text me to see what I was up to. Guilt filled me after I told her ¡°lounging around¡± while she cleaned up the ransacking that took place at her house the prior evening. She then told me she could meet me at eleven that following morning which rejuvenated me as I felt inspired to read some more of ¡°Twilight¡± in a candle lit room. After dinner, I decided to go to the bookstore, something I always did more often since Anya mentioned her husband only took her there twice in twenty-one years. The bookstore had an author, Deepak Choprah, there to sign his latest book. I didn¡¯t know much about it or much about him, for that matter. As I walked the upstairs perimeter, I heard him speak some gibberish about his book for about ten minutes then quickly tuned him out because I didn¡¯t really care who he was anyway. When I told Anya where I was and his presence and mumbo jumbo, she stepped in to enlighten me.
8:18 a.m
¡°Is the bookstore crowded? Did you listen? Too zen? I¡¯m on pg. 120.¡±
ME: ¡°Idk. It¡¯s not too crowded I guess. I listened for about five minutes then lost interest. I¡¯m not sure who he is. Do you know of him?¡±
ANYA: ¡°He writes inspirational life¡¯s lesson, motivating books. U know, like the peace worker, Ghandi.¡±
ME: ¡°Interesting. I¡¯ve heard of him but didn¡¯t know what he was known for. I thought he was like Dr. Wayne Dyer or someone similar. Looks like you¡¯re flying through the book. I¡¯m on Pg. 43. How¡¯s do you like it so far?¡±
ANYA: ¡°Getting there! It¡¯s just ok so far. Hoping it will pick up. I have to be open minded b/c u know I don¡¯t love silly fiction books.¡±
ME: ¡°Oh I see what you mean. I need to know what I¡¯m in store for.¡±
ANYA: ¡°Well they decided to go to Seattle for a day! Takes place in a town called Forks in Washington where it rains a lot. Made me think of u!¡±
ME: ¡°Ahhh. Seattle! Looks like Deepak Choprah is promoting a diet book he authored.¡±
ANYA: ¡°Maybe he¡¯s really picky about his food? I wouldn¡¯t be surprised if he¡¯s a strict vegetarian, vegan or even a raw foodist. He¡¯s all about nature and zen.¡±
ME: ¡°Well, I wouldn¡¯t know but he¡¯s all about pens and people today! I¡¯ll go ask him if he¡¯s a strict vegetarian. I¡¯ll let you know.¡±
ANYA: ¡°Ok u do that!¡±
ME: ¡°Is ¡°Twilight¡± romantic at all?¡±
ANYA: ¡°Well, it¡¯s not romantic yet. I¡¯m still waiting. It¡¯s very high school so far.¡±
ME: ¡°That¡¯s what I got from it too as well.¡±
ANYA: ¡°I better go! Kids are calling me to start the movie. Have a nice night. Oh, one more thing. You have to promise me again!¡±
ME: ¡°Ok! Let me find my string and get back to you! Enjoy the movie! I love you!¡±
ANYA: ¡°Ha! You better! Thank u! I love you!¡±
Although I didn¡¯t receive a ¡°good night¡± text from her, I felt the day was a positive one overall from her. People would argue, ¡°Geez, Landyn you could send her a ¡°good night¡± text too¡±, but I was a ¡°distraction¡± to her and felt if she didn¡¯t wish me a ¡°good night¡± or a ¡°good morning¡±, there was a reason for it; She didn¡¯t want to be distracted. I also needed Anya to ¡°run the show¡± because that showed I was on her mind. I also didn¡¯t want to feel like an obligation to her so I decided to lay low communicative wise. As much as it hurt at times, I had to do things this way because anytime she did reach out, it only strengthened my argument for her to leave. If I texted her all the time, she would feel obligated to respond, but if she initiated contact, the real Anya spoke to me too, the one who truly loved me and wanted to talk to me; not out of obligation.
The next morning, I didn¡¯t have to worry about not receiving a ¡°good morning¡± text.
8:28 a.m
¡°Good morning! Can we meet around 10:30ish?¡±
ME: ¡°Good morning! We sure can! Can¡¯t wait!¡±
ANYA: ¡°Me too!¡±
As I waited for her, and did my usual prep for her visit, I began to reread some old texts from her I saved on my phone. In particular I reread the ones she sent me a month ago, on October twenty third, the day she watched the movie ¡°Unfaithful¡± and decided to break things off with me. As I reread them, I focused on the positive things, and I began to feel bad for giving her such pushback. My world crashed around me that day, as I felt suddenly abandoned. It brought to light my low self-esteem issues, and in hindsight I wished I had just said ¡°whatever makes you happy¡±, but at the same time it didn¡¯t sound like I loved her if I did. If I couldn¡¯t fight for the greatest love, then what could I ever fight for? How could anyone in this position pretend to be okay with this? I regretted the grief I gave her but it came out of all fields, not just left. Everything I felt for Anya, all of it, was a first for me. I felt like a baseball player coming from Rookie ball right into the majors; I just didn¡¯t know what to expect. We both flew from the seat of our pants and dealt with so many foreign raw emotions, strewn with stress and fatigue from our everyday lives. The only solace we had were in each other and for that to be threatened, was impossible to accept. Anya had all the control in the relationship, but I willingly gave her the upper hand because I trusted her with it. I trusted her love even at times I doubted it, as I realized my fault was in how I tried to hold it together for her happiness more than my own.
Anya showed up eleven minutes late but looked as beautiful as always. From the moment she entered my apartment, until the time she left, we were lost in each other physically, as the gap between us over the past week was closed shut. Over the last eleven months, our lips touched for extended periods of time, so you would think that level of attraction to each other sailed past us, but it only reignited our love without any ovulation fears. After we tended to our needs for a little over two hours, and as she laid in my arms, our eyes found each other.
¡°I¡¯m not pregnant, babe.¡± she said.
¡°So, you¡¯re telling me¡we¡¯re not having a baby?¡±
¡°No, we¡¯re not having a baby.¡± she said sweetly as her eyes softened.
I then brought my lips to hers and ran my right hand gently through her hair in adoration.
¡°It¡¯s hard to believe we¡¯ve been together for almost a year.¡± she stated.
¡°I know. Just six days away now.¡± I said. ¡°We¡¯ve shared so much, it¡¯s hard to believe only a year has passed.¡±
¡°I¡¯m crazy in love with you.¡± she said distinctly yet softly.
¡°Still?¡± I teased.
¡°Since December ninth of last year.¡± she smiled.
¡°I¡¯m crazy in love with you too. My feelings have only gotten stronger.¡± I said. ¡°I think if we ever got married. They might have to pry me away from you after they tell me ¡°You can now kiss the bride¡±. That could potentially be the longest kiss in wedding history. We might have to extend a wedding invitation to the Guinness Book of World Records.¡±
She laughed then crashed her lips into mine as we began to roar from inside once more. When the time came for her to leave, my left arm pulled her back at least a half dozen times as her laughter and love for me increased each time. Even though she arrived later than usual, she stayed later than she usually did as my vacation reached its apex. When I found myself alone in my bed, I fixated my eyes upon the ceiling, as if in a trance, as candle light danced around me. Just when I thought I couldn¡¯t feel greater than I already did, I felt and experienced even more. After her visit, almost a year into our relationship, there could be no logical reason she could let me go, as even when she tried to, she couldn¡¯t; The truth too great for an honest person to hold inside¡¯ A promise had to follow soon, no later than next year, to prove Mitch wrong about his prognosis of our relationship. Each time Anya pulled away, like a magnetic force, she found her way back to me, and even closer to the sun. Twice she tried, and twice the truth brought her back home into my arms. We had all the pieces in place to make it, she just needed to be brave enough to take one last step to a promise, and the Universe would take care of the rest.
CHAPTER 23 ~ WHEN YOU LOVE SOMEONE
¡°Walking through a winter night,
Counting the stars
And passing time
I dream about the summer days,
Love in the sun
And lonely bays.
I see the stars, they¡¯re miles and miles away
Like our love,
On one of these lonely winter nights.¡±
~ ¡°Lady Starlight¡± The Scorpions
1:17 p.m.
¡°Hi! I had a blast! I miss you already. I love you forever.¡±
The morning could not have gone better. My life in complete balance and perfect harmony; my world made whole and functional. I hated to say it was the best time I ever spent with her because each meeting had a special quality about it all its own, but each time felt like the best time, but I did know this much, it was the best time I had ever had in my entire life, and not just with her, and I could never understand how I would have to give it up.
I couldn¡¯t stop thinking about when she told me sweetly ¡°No, we¡¯re not having a baby¡± as I felt the disappointment in her tone, and how much love her tone conveyed to me, her eyes within mine. A wistful tenor, as if we would try again, and although I wouldn¡¯t have allowed it simply because of the position it would put her in, I trusted her lack of fear. I really wanted a chance to show her how things would be different this time around for her. That she wouldn¡¯t be holding my child in her body, with the worry and stress about not having someone there for her emotionally. When I imagined Anya, in the days she carried her child in distress that undoubtedly caused Andrew¡¯s premature birth, I¡¯d tear up every time I thought of the pain this ever loving human being went through. I couldn¡¯t believe this kind of inconsideration for a wife and mother came from a man of Jackson¡¯s stature and caliber. I hated to think any father could be a douchebag, but that¡¯s exactly what he was, the most dangerous kind, one with the ability to hide behind a family and money. If I had known her back then, I would have done everything to save her, but my hands were tied now because of the fear she had for her kids, and even though I didn¡¯t respect the marriage, I respected that just as much as Jackson¡¯s perception of a perfect father. I didn¡¯t come into Anya¡¯s life to wreck that perception, as I trusted she would leave and it would be a non-issue, but here I was, part of me with a desire to confront Jackson, to let him know I knew of things no one else did, and that¡¯s why I existed. That I didn¡¯t get involved to destroy his children¡¯s perception of him, but simply because he neglected and mentally abused his wife. I wouldn¡¯t have made the decision to be Anya¡¯s life for any other reason than all she told me about Jackson¡¯s infidelities and the gross disrespect of her heart.
I didn¡¯t support feminist movements, and I tended to side with males in such instances, but this I supported her emotional getaway from years of mental abuse, from a man with an agenda all his own. He even tried to fool me in San Francisco, when we met to sell him on our firm, but in the end, as it always does, the truth eventually comes full circle over time. I felt the longer Anya stayed, the more the risk increased her kids would learn the truth about their father as well, and as much as I disliked him, I didn¡¯t want that revealed to them. I didn¡¯t believe in the destruction of their first hero in life, only the end of an emotionally abusive marriage that should have never existed to begin with.
That evening a friend contacted me to see if I wanted to go check out a band at ¡°The Whiskey¡± on the Sunset Strip. He just started his photography business so he didn¡¯t do it for the money but for the experience, but the shows he called me to go see were usually pretty cool. He was a photographer for unknown local rock bands in the area, but these bands all had a chance at making it to the big time. Since I was on vacation, I could make the weekday drive out to Hollywood so I accepted his offer. Anya had just gotten back from ¡°shopping¡±, and she always had to have evidence so this meeting¡¯s evidence consisted of another pair of ¡°perfect¡± heels. I then told her of my plans on this evening and she told me to be careful and that she loved me, as her words gave me the feeling we were officially back together in her eyes. She then texted me a little later just before I headed out into the Hollywood night.
4:35 p.m.
¡°Hi! I miss you sooo much! I have to go to the office on Wed for a little bit. R u free for a short hello around 10:30ish?¡±
ME: ¡°This is seriously the best vacation ever! I would love to see you! Short hello, long hello. I¡¯m all yours!¡±
ANYA: ¡°Haha! You have to promise u know what. I think I¡¯ll bring a written contract for u to sign which is good for at least 10 years!¡±
ME: ¡°I like that you¡¯re thinking long term but I have carpal tunnel syndrome. Sorry!¡±
ANYA: ¡°No go!¡±
ME: ¡°No go? Ok, I promise I won¡¯t tickle you when I see you. That¡¯s oak.¡±
ANYA: ¡°Yea right! Ok did u promise for Wed cuz idk if I have to go into work now.¡±
ME: ¡°I just said I promise I won¡¯t tickle you when I see you. I didn¡¯t specifically say Wed. What¡¯s wrong with that?¡±
ANYA: ¡°It turns out I do have to go to into work! How about that?¡±
ME: ¡°Ok, I won¡¯t tickle you on Wed. Sheesh, you sure do drive a hard bargain!¡±
ANYA: ¡°I love you forever!¡±
That evening, as I stood there among a crowd of fifty people near the stage to watch a really good band perform, I could honestly say without a doubt, I never felt happier in my life. When Anya told me ¡°I¡¯m having the time of my life with you in my life¡± she summed up my sentiments perfectly. Although I usually enjoyed this time of year, it lost its luster over the years as I grew into a life of more responsibility, but Anya¡¯s love made me fall back in love with this time of year, like a ten year old with no responsibilities. To feel this way during a stressful part of life, that fatigued you more at the end of the day than it breathed life into you, at a time mornings were dreadful, when people turned to alcohol and other ways to cope, I got through it all with only love. It¡¯s all we really needed as humans; to love and to be loved. I never felt a greater sense of self or being, as I finally stood for something; all I ever wanted to believe in; something spiritually and divine enough to fight for. The entire month of November had its low moments, but never had the highs been higher. The last two weeks in particular brought Anya and I closer than ever before. So close, we even had a pregnancy scare as I dreamt even more of the opportunity to one day make her bad experience with love a distant memory. Not only would our child be greatly loved, but I would cater to Anya, the woman who carried my child, like no one else ever could. I just wanted a chance to make it right for her. To reverse the course of pain in her life and get her on the path of pure happiness. This was not about breaking up or ending a family but rather breaking up and ending an abusive marriage. This was all about love; nothing more, nothing less. I believed our love story could give the world something to believe in again, as I felt capitalism destroyed the very thing we were all put on this earth to do; to truly love for the right reasons. I had dreams of the Eiffel tower under a full Paris moon, with a ring I shopped desperately for, to bestow upon the only woman who showed me love and grace in my life. I owed Anya so much for all this happiness I felt. For how much she changed my life for the better and not for the bitter. Even as her hero, she was mine as well. As I rescued her, she rescued me. I felt the disappointment some people might feel would dissipate over time, because I felt if they loved Anya and wanted the best for her, they would see how happy I made her, and then understand why Anya chose happiness. I knew I was a big dreamer in life, I dreamt often about big things, things much grander than I was, but I wanted a love like this to define me. To be my destiny. To show others that a love like this existed for us all. Anya and I just had to be patient and above all else; believe.
As I continued to watch the band play, while my friend bounced up and down with his camera to capture the feel of the audience, my phone began to vibrate in my pocket.
10:26 p.m.
¡°Goodnight baby. I hope you¡¯re having fun.¡±
ME: ¡°I¡¯d have a lot more fun if you were here. Goodnight Beautiful.¡±
ANYA: ¡°I love you.¡±
ME: ¡°I love you too.¡±
ANYA: ¡°B careful pleez.¡±
ME: ¡°I will babe.¡±
As I put my phone back into my pocket, the only thing missing from my night was her company. Her texts made me feel like we were married, and her concern for my safety warmed my heart as I never had anyone feel my existence was important to them. She may have found it to be such a simple gesture, but when the person you¡¯re madly in love with sends you something so thoughtful, it filled me with adrenaline that led to euphoria.
I didn¡¯t know how. I didn¡¯t know when. I just knew she would find a way for us to be together one day. She couldn¡¯t live without my love as much as I couldn¡¯t live without hers. On this day, Anya enlightened me about the true meaning of love, and I never felt so blessed and lucky to have met her. I didn¡¯t know if it was God, the Universe, or both, but for the first time after I graduated from college, it made me give some consideration to all of life¡¯s mysterious possibilities.
The next day I didn¡¯t hear from Anya in the morning, but it didn¡¯t matter because I felt so secure in her feelings for me, and when she did contact me at noon, it made all the sense in the world why I hadn¡¯t heard from her.
12:26 p.m.
¡°Hi! Well the campus was interesting. Definitely in a bad area, but once you¡¯re on campus it feels safe. Strangest thing but there was a sense of pride throughout. Believe it or not I was impressed. I sat in an AP world history class. Wow! I felt like a dumb s***! It was definitely a college prep program. Their big claim to fame would be academics, sports, and music nationally. Katie is ¡°shadowing¡± a freshman today. She gets to be a freshman for the day until 2 p.m. I¡¯m anxious to talk to her. They were bragging how Cal-Tech recently came out to meet the PAC program director b/c they were impressed w/the kids they turn out. If Katie gets accepted and she really wants to go, I will let her go. We¡¯ll see.¡±
I loved every word Anya wrote me as I felt relief she still shared the lives of her kids with me and didn¡¯t hold back. To read this would be Katie¡¯s decision made me feel good that Anya wasn¡¯t putting any undue pressure on her. The PAC program was a nationally recognized program, and although I felt if she got in, Katie should go, I also knew about the stress and pressures involved in such a decision, especially for a teenager. The best part of our lives is childhood and I hated to see Katie deprived of that, but she was also an exceptional student. She seemed to excel at everything she did as the PAC program seemed to be the next best and logical step for her development.
When Anya shared Katie¡¯s life so openly with me, I felt like a huge part of it, and it naturally made me want to be a part of it. Not so I could spew my opinions about her career path, I wasn¡¯t her parent and I didn¡¯t have that right, but just so I could be there for her if she ever needed someone else to come to. Since I knew so much about her, I found myself rooting for her along the way, but sadly just in the background.
After Anya picked up Katie from school, I was anxious to hear about Katie¡¯s take on the it probably as much as her mother did.
2:58 p.m.
¡°Hmmmm¡interesting. It was what she expected. She¡¯s having second thoughts. She¡¯s torn between Adams, the ¡°party school¡±, and PAC. Her friends are going to Adams.¡±
ME: ¡°Did she tell you why she is having second thoughts? Did she not like PAC?¡±
ANYA: ¡°She did like it and didn¡¯t feel unsafe or uncomfortable at all. The Geometry teacher called on her and she did interact! She thinks the PAC kids are ¡°geeks¡±.¡±
ME: ¡°Isn¡¯t that the greatest shame? When we¡¯re teenagers, hanging out with ¡°geeks¡± is considered uncool but then later on in life we come to find out they were actually the cool ones all along. I understand how she feels though. I¡¯d feel the same way if I was her age.¡±
ANYA: ¡°I feel for her. She knows if she commits she will be w/the same 170 kids for the entire 4 years of high school, plus a rigorous program plus the geek factor.¡±
ME: ¡°I¡¯m not sure what her goals are but if they are lofty, the PAC program is the right choice. That¡¯s great she interacted with the geometry teacher. I enjoyed Geometry when I was in school.¡±
ANYA: ¡°Geometry was harder for me than algebra and calculus was cuz I¡¯m a black and white person and the space and relativity didn¡¯t do it for me.¡±
I was surprised by Anya¡¯s response to being a ¡°black and white¡± person being in the midst of a relationship with a lot of grey area, or as she put it, space and relativity.
ME: ¡°Would you be disappointed if she chose Adams over PAC? I know she could probably write her way to any college if she chose PAC.¡±
ANYA: ¡°If she goes to Adams I¡¯ll be okay with it. She¡¯ll just be more distracted. She is bright but she has that ¡°party¡± girl in her. We¡¯ll see what she chooses.¡±
Although Anya said she would be ¡°okay¡± with it, I wasn¡¯t sold on her endorsement. The PAC program was superior though, and I would have wanted the same for Katie if she was my daughter. I would want her to be self sufficient, and not dependent on a man to take care of her. Of course, I¡¯d want her to get married, but she should be her own person, and if she found herself in Anya¡¯s position, be strong willed enough to leave and not stay out of fear. I felt you didn¡¯t have to be a part of any feminist movement to believe women should put themselves in position of empowerment. If they chose a major like gender studies, easy majors just to get a degree, then they will only set themselves back. especially in salary, but if Katie did go through the PAC program, I felt she would be smart enough to choose a career best suited for her empowerment.
ANYA: ¡°What r u up to? It looks like we may get some rain tonight.¡±
ME: ¡°No plans babe. Hopefully it will rain tomorrow when you¡¯re visiting.¡±
ANYA: ¡°Btw I only have 20 minutes to visit tomorrow. I have to take the retarded belt test in the morning and I have to be in the office at 11. I¡¯ll try to leave here ASAP tomorrow.¡±
When I read her message, I felt she contrived it and it left me deflated. I understood being second to her kids, but second to her belt test? It was nice of her to want to stop by to see me, but for only twenty minutes? Why didn¡¯t she tell me this the prior day when she mentioned coming over? Even though we were closer than ever before, I became more sensitive to things such as this than ever before too. How could I be second to a belt test? Couldn¡¯t she reschedule the belt test? I would never tell her how this made me feel, but how could I be below a ¡°retarded¡± belt test now? Was this her way of trying to find a way out of seeing me?
ME: ¡°Ok. What page are you on now? What r u up to?¡±
ANYA: ¡°Still on 155. Don¡¯t tell me you passed me! Picking up Andrew then mom duty.¡±
In that instant the negative emotions began to percolate inside. Wouldn¡¯t ¡°spills¡± with Carolyn and Debbie distract her and take her away from her kids, too? If she substituted me for these ¡°spills¡±, why would it be deemed a distraction? She could talk to me about her kids, like I¡¯m sure she did with them. Why only twenty minutes? How did the man whose child she could have carried now finish second to a belt test? Is it a ¡°retarded¡± belt text because she knew she placed me behind it and tried to dodge the query?
ME: ¡°How I wish I could see u tonight. I hope it rains tomorrow.¡±
ANYA: ¡°I know babe. Maybe it will.¡±
The Anya that I knew from yesterday. The one I saw less than twenty four hours ago would have responded with a ¡°me too¡± in response to my wish. I began to sense her twenty minutes was a gesture of kindness and obligation more than a gesture from the love she held for me. There seemed to be no missing and born more out of obligation than anything she truly wanted to do. When you finished second to a ¡°retarded¡± belt test, it was time to face the music.
ME: ¡°If it¡¯s too much trouble for you to visit tomorrow, please don¡¯t feel obligated. I¡¯d understand.¡±
ANYA: ¡°No trouble as long as you don¡¯t mind that it¡¯s going to be short. Just don¡¯t want to stir it up and disappoint you.¡±
After I read her response I went into shutdown mode. Did she not understand how a statement like such could get under the skin of someone who loved her? These feelings she not only encouraged, but allowed to grow for her to unprecedented levels, yet she still needed time to figure things out. I would have understood her statement much better eleven months ago, but not today, not after all we shared not even one full day ago. Her inconsistency ripped every molecule in me apart as I began to tremble from the emotions as I failed to secure my phone as it crashed into my lap. An hour later, and after I had some time to absorb my disappointment, she sent me a text.
4:35 p.m.
¡°R u ok?¡±
I didn¡¯t know how to respond, still hurt by what I felt was a disregard to my heart.
ME: ¡°I¡¯m ok. R u ok?¡±
ANYA: ¡°Yes I¡¯m ok.¡±
After I considered the thoughtfulness in her reach out text, I tried to rally against the pain.
ME: ¡°R u suuure you¡¯re ok?¡±
ANYA: ¡°Yes why?¡±
ME: ¡°Just wanted to make sure. I miss you.¡±
ANYA: ¡°I miss you too. Did u think about yesterday? Hard to believe it was just yesterday?¡±
ME: ¡°I can¡¯t think of anything else. I¡¯m lost in yesterday.¡±
ANYA: ¡°I know! I had fun yesterday! I¡¯m afraid it might rain tonight.¡±
ME: ¡°I would rather it not rain tonight.¡±
ANYA: ¡°How come?¡±
ME: ¡°I don¡¯t want to miss you more than I already do. Have you thought about yesterday?¡±
ANYA: ¡°Of course I have! All day! I love it when our faces touch. I feel so close to you.¡±
ME: ¡°I felt like we were actually married. Did it feel the same way to you or was it just me? I feel closer to you than ever.¡±
ANYA: ¡°Yes it did. I do feel closer to you, more than ever. I couldn¡¯t stop kissing you. I couldn¡¯t get enough.¡±
ME: ¡°I just couldn¡¯t stop loving you yesterday, and I didn¡¯t want to stop.¡±
ANYA: ¡°Me too! Never enough! I love you Landyn!¡±
ME: ¡°I think I¡¯m going to light a couple of candles in my room, crack my window open so I can hear the rain fall and try to catch up to you in ¡°Twilight¡±. I wish we could read it together in bed. I love you Anya!¡±
ANYA: ¡°Awww¡sounds heavenly babe.¡±
As soon as our textversation ended, I did exactly that, but two hours into my session, I didn¡¯t hear a drop of water come from outside, and Anya took notice too.
7:43 p.m.
¡°Maybe the rain will come later. Maybe at twilight? JK¡±
ME: ¡°Oh well, it would have been nice!¡±
ANYA: ¡°What page are you on?¡±
ME: ¡°I¡¯m on 91. You¡¯re still way ahead of me!¡±
ANYA: ¡°I bet you¡¯re a fast reader! Katie is super fast. She finished all four books in 2 days!¡±
ME: ¡°Whaaaaat!!!! I may be able to get through four chapters in 2 days! I think you better give Guinness a call!¡±
ANYA: ¡°Haha!¡±
Although I still felt disappointed, she could only stay twenty minutes with me and second to a kickboxing test, I decided to get over it, and be happy I got to see her. I gave her an out and even asked if she was ¡°ok¡± as I felt selfish if I gave her any grief over it. By the end of the day though, after another personal hiccup, I found it best not to be so sensitive to some disappointments that happened from time to time. If I didn¡¯t have so much free time this week, I wouldn¡¯t have taken it so hard, but I only wanted the time off to spend more time with her. At the same time though, it was wrong to put the burden on her to fill my void, as she was not on vacation herself, yet still made time for me, and for us.
An hour later, the ever elusive rain began to fall so I texted Anya to share it with her.
ME: ¡°It¡¯s raining. I miss you.¡±
I waited for a response, and checked my phone every ten minutes, but never received a reply. As I laid in my bed and stared into a blank ceiling, I pondered upon how she probably believed I never truly understood a mother¡¯s ¡°sacrifice¡±, and why she couldn¡¯t reach me. When we first met though, she seemed to forget she told me some things that encouraged me to be in her life. Like she was not in love with her husband. That he betrayed her four times, and she had two kids. And that the only reason she still remained with him was because she had ¡°baggage¡± and didn¡¯t believe anyone would want to be with her. While she thought I didn¡¯t understand, she seemed to also forget that not one time did I ever hear from her¡
¡°I¡¯m there because my kids trust me to never leave him.¡±
Not once.
If I had heard that, and I found myself in this position, I deserved her judgment of being unable to understand a mother¡¯s sacrifice. What began to now hurt me was that she never recognized all that she told me. How it contributed to my current role in her life, and how she possibly kissed and missed, just to hide it. All she ever shared with me and all she ever told me, were nothing but loud endorsements for not staying for the sake of the kids. She now knew without the slightest of doubts, she had someone there for her to see her through it all as I proved her wrong every single minute for the last eleven plus months. I did nothing but prove my love yet it seemed my authenticity, and my ability to understand a mother¡¯s sacrifice, was still questioned. As much as she didn¡¯t want to face the truth, the emotional abuse she endured over the years, from the black mind and heart of a man who promised to honor and cherish her until death parted him from her, gave her the power to encourage and allow another man¡¯s feelings to grow for her into a forever kind of love. His gross disrespect of heart even inspired her to tell the other man, on numerous occasions, she wanted to wear his ring and even fantasized about having a child with him. I know she told him ¡°she couldn¡¯t make any promises¡± but how could she tell him and share with him all the things she did yet it still didn¡¯t carry enough weight for her to make a promise to be with him? A promise to leave was not also a promise to leave her kids, but rather a promise to be honest with them from this day forward and to teach them the true things in life that led to happiness.
I struggled with how could she say things to ignite my heart like ¡°I don¡¯t want you to leave me¡±, and ¡°I¡¯d rather die than never have you in my life¡± and ¡°Kids are resilient¡± and ¡°divorces happen all the time, nothing is impossible¡±, and ¡°I want to wear your ring¡±, and ¡°I love you forever¡±. How could any of those words hold any less weight than a promise to leave would? How come I couldn¡¯t hold her to these very words, taken into consideration all the times we shared together, as much as she held me to her words ¡°I told you I couldn¡¯t promise anything.¡± In essence, without a promise, she truly only promised to allow my feelings to grow for her, even to the point of no return.
Anya told me months into our relationship that she wasn¡¯t ¡°ambivalent¡± to her marriage. Why would she tell me such a thing after I had fallen in love with her and not when we first met? But the reality was, after all we¡¯ve shared for over eleven months, how could she not be ambivalent towards her marriage? Is it because Jackson allowed her to have boyfriends and a husband? It just ripped me apart to wonder how she could put her heart and soul into us and still lounge on a fence. To just be around Anya, let alone feel her love, was euphoric, but if I HAD to fully understand and accept this mother¡¯s sacrifice, then her love was a feeling I never wanted to know. And as her presumption of being made to understand her sacrifice, like any other mother¡¯s for their kids, as if there was no differentiation in situations, became clearer, darker, and colder, I verbalized the things I wanted to say about her sacrifice.
¡°I¡¯m fully aware and can appreciate the sacrifices mothers make for their children, but I question your sacrifice because it is a true sacrifice.¡± I spoke in desperation to a mirror. ¡°The women that stay in their marriages for the sake of the kids are at the very least still ¡°in love¡± with their husbands, so where is their true sacrifice made? You¡¯re the only mother who is making a real sacrifice because you found true love, and you¡¯re not in love with your husband. Why wait only to get caught? Why not set an example of truth and love to your children and all those around you? Is the mirage of having a perfect life better than actually having one? One that you lied to me in some way to have? Is it the money that keeps you there? The twenty-eight foot island in your kitchen? Am I just a dreamer? Or am I just stupid enough to believe that love is enough?¡±
Maybe it was all just too much to ask of her? I knew she loved me, but did she respect me? And if she did respect me, was it enough to not disgrace my heart? I loved her now more than ever. The last two weeks were the best days of our relationship so why did peace fall away from me? Did I have the right to question her? Were these negative emotions rational?
¡°Refocus¡± is what I demanded of myself, to get past the holidays then see what happens. She told me ¡°you never know what the future will bring¡± and I grasped it tightly as she wouldn¡¯t lead me somewhere she wasn¡¯t willing to take me all the way to. We loved each other and would never do that to one another. Not one time did she slow down nor did she ever refrain from seeing me even after Jackson confronted her with my full name, or who he believed to be this Landyn Lastman character was. In fact, how more intense can it be after our pregnancy scare? How could she ever give away something that made her ¡°so happy¡±? Even though I¡¯d only see her for twenty minutes, and she chose to take her belt test over me, I should be thankful because I didn¡¯t expect to see her the rest of the week. Her visit should be looked upon as a gift, and nothing less. Sunday was our one year anniversary, and I knew the very day we reconnected a year ago, I already knew I loved her. My goal in year two was to bring her home. To get to a point where I could express myself without the fear of losing her. I knew she wanted me as a friend, but to be recognized as just a friend suggested nothing happened between us, and I didn¡¯t choose to be in her life to support her marriage just so she could stay for the sake of the kids, and she knew that from day one, and it¡¯s not because I don¡¯t understand a mother¡¯s sacrifice. It¡¯s because of all she shared with me that I didn¡¯t understand this mother¡¯s sacrifice after she allowed and encouraged me to be in her life this way. A way that also nourished my feelings to grow for her. As much as she wanted me to understand a mother¡¯s sacrifice, she also needed to understand why I felt the way I did. I chose to be in her life so she could leave her marriage in safety as she told me it was the only way she would ever leave. I longed to be with her beyond the end of my days, and it¡¯s why I didn¡¯t understand her sacrifice as I wanted her to wear my ring even more than she wanted to wear it.
The next morning, as I slept my negative thoughts away, and prompted by her no response to my text, I received a message from her.
7:49 a.m.
¡°Good morning! Did you read last night? Candles and all?¡±
ME: ¡°Good morning! I did! How r u? Can¡¯t wait to see you later!¡±
ANYA: ¡°How nice! I¡¯m good! Stepping into KB. Can¡¯t wait to see you too! Did u get my text last night?¡±
ME: ¡°I didn¡¯t! I didn¡¯t think you texted me back!¡±
ANYA: ¡°I did!¡±
Anya then sent me the two texts I failed to receive.
8:31 a.m.
¡°It¡¯s starting to rain lightly. I miss you too. Have a goodnight baby. I love you.¡±
8:31 a.m.
¡°It¡¯s raining. Goodnight. I miss you too.¡±
When I saw the second one, a tear raced down my cheek as I felt so bad for her, how she must have felt like I ignored her to send another one that said the same thing, in a less romantic tone. It always broke my heart to imagine her at home in front of her kids feeling anything close to what I did the previous night. It was easy for me to grieve, but for Anya it was much tougher. Her silence last night, after I told her ¡°I miss you¡±, left me to think she found my text a distraction and that I didn¡¯t understand the sacrifice she made for her children, which prompted my internal rebuke. The unknown variable, the massive indiscernible hole I felt when she was not with me, often deceived me too, as it blinded me to those three things you never gave up on in this life, hopes, wishes and dreams. With empathy, I feared she felt a hole in her heart last night because I never responded to her loving texts, a hole much larger than mine.
This tale has been unlawfully obtained from Royal Road. If you discover it on Amazon, kindly report it.
Before Anya arrived, I tidied up my place like usual, but left my bedroom untouched as we wouldn¡¯t have enough time together to mess around. At around ten thirtyish, Anya arrived at the gate as we rushed into my apartment so we could shower affection upon each other for as long as we could before she had to leave. With about five minutes left on the clock, and with her sweet eyes in my own, she began to share the latest celebrity news.
¡°Babe, Madonna and A-Rod are dating now.¡±
¡°Really? The ¡°Material Girl¡± is with A-Rod now? Wasn¡¯t she just with Tupac?¡± I asked.
¡°She was with Tupac?¡±
¡°She¡¯s with everybody, babe!¡±
¡°Oh no she¡¯s not!¡± she said. ¡°Rumor has it they are in a chateau somewhere.¡±
¡°Damn. They must be going at it like rabbits.¡± I teased.
¡°You think so?¡±
¡°Are you kidding me? Madonna is a sex fiend!¡± I exclaimed.
¡°How would you know?¡±
¡°Because everybody knows!¡±
¡°Well, Madonna¡¯s people are by her side.¡± she said.
¡°That¡¯s good to know.¡± I said as it made me fantasize about Anya¡¯s people by her side with me. It bummed me out to think, here Anya and I were truly in love, and not in lust like A-Rod and Madonna in a chateau somewhere, yet people would never stand by our side.
¡°I¡¯m sorry I couldn¡¯t be here earlier, but I had to take the green belt test otherwise I¡¯d have to take it two months from now with the yellow group.¡±
¡°I understand, babe.¡± I said halfheartedly.
I didn¡¯t want her to feel bad about the belt test, and I didn¡¯t want to set her back even though I felt second to her test, but at the same time, she could have just went home and not visited at all especially with it being for only twenty minutes.
Anya¡¯s visit actually lasted twenty-five minutes, but in all fairness it was the day before Thanksgiving, and to be honest, the last time I was this thankful about anything during this time of year was at least twenty five years ago. My day, whether on vacation or not, could only go downhill when her beautiful self left me, as I felt deflated when she reentered back into her realm of reality.
A few hours later though, she reminded me why my heart bled for her so.
1:57 p.m.
¡°Miss u.¡±
ME: ¡°Miss u so much, Anya. Thanks for the text. It means a lot because it shows me you know how I¡¯m feeling right now.¡±
I had a lot to be thankful for on this Thanksgiving holiday. For the first time in my life, during this time of year, I felt love and its splendor, like a ten year old kid filled with hope and wonder. My love for Anya, all I felt for her, was nothing short of a miracle as I never trusted I¡¯d ever meet someone who felt the same way about me. And even though we couldn¡¯t be together, I also knew she was with me.
ANYA: ¡°I get you baby and you get me. I miss your face close to mine.¡±
ME: ¡°We totally get each other, babe. I miss looking into your eyes and having you in my arms. I miss your soft and deep kisses. I miss your scent. I just really wanted to take all of you in today. I love you forever.¡±
ANYA: ¡°Awww. I love you forever.¡±
If I didn¡¯t get her, I wouldn¡¯t have made the choice to remain in her life. I knew how it felt to have someone shatter your trust; not on the level Anya experienced, but that empathy brought me close to her. No woman, no wife, and no mother should ever have to go through life with an emotionally abusive husband. Now if Anya had not approached me at Sonomas and didn¡¯t tell me I broke her heart after I walked away, I¡¯d feel differently. I would even advise her to stay for the kids, but not when her actions brought us both to this beautiful yet horrifying place. Staying with her tormentor, where the disease truly lied, was not the right thing to do for anyone¡¯s sake, and I planned to challenge her on this one day as I felt I stockpiled all the ammo she gave me every day for over nearly a year.
4:51 p.m.
¡°Whatcha doin?¡±
ME: ¡°Thinking about you! Reading ¡°Twilight¡±. I¡¯m going to pass you up, babe. What r u up to?¡±
ANYA: ¡°Wow! Is that a challenge?¡±
ME: ¡°If it looks like a challenge, and smells like a challenge, it might be a challenge!¡±
ANYA: ¡°Don¡¯t challenge me baby! Having a spill w/Debbie telling her how much I miss you.¡±
ME: ¡°Well, don¡¯t forget to tell Debbie how much I miss you too so she gets both sides of the story! Enjoy your spill time, babe. Please tell Debbie I said hello. In the meantime, I¡¯ll be here passing you up.¡±
ANYA: ¡°Oh no! I won¡¯t have time this weekend to read! U¡¯ll definitely pass me up! Thank you, babe!¡±
Although I was bummed she met Debbie for a ¡°spill¡± simply because I could only get twenty five minutes of her time earlier, I had to remember Jackson was suspicious, and it really was the only way she could get away from the kids for a bit so she could talk to me. I didn¡¯t find it fair to judge her for that on a Friday night. The combination of stress, fatigue and the constant longing was tough on my mind at times as I tried to remember I was wrong about her not texting me the previous night.
Later that Thanksgiving eve, the best one I ever had, Anya messaged me to let me know what her and Debbie talked about.
8:05 p.m.
¡°I miss you so much.¡±
ME: ¡°I miss you beyond all possibilities to miss someone.¡±
ANYA: ¡°I feel the same way. Reading?¡±
ME: ¡°I¡¯m actually toying around with my guitar a little bit. R u cooking?¡±
ANYA: ¡°Toying around with your guitar? I¡¯d love to hear you play! Yes, I¡¯m cooking.¡±
ME: ¡°I would love to play for you, but when I said ¡°toying¡±, I really meant it. I¡¯m not very good. I¡¯d really need to practice more.¡±
ANYA: ¡°Ok keep practicing! You can play something for me when you¡¯re ready!¡±
ME: ¡°Thanks for the motivation! I¡¯ll keep practicing! How¡¯s Debbie? How was the spill?¡±
ANYA: ¡°She¡¯s good. Debbie was commenting on how much she liked my outfit today and she asked me if you liked it. I told her I didn¡¯t think you noticed. I thought about that. Though I know what you look like, and I have studied your face, I don¡¯t know the details of your body and clothes. It doesn¡¯t matter b/c I love you. Do you feel the same way?¡±
I found it remarkable she never thought I noticed what she wore. I had no one to blame but myself for that simply because I stopped telling her how nice she looked. The truth was, she looked so beautiful each and every time, I didn¡¯t think she¡¯d trust me if I told her that each and every time. She always, each and every time her beauty graced my eyes, she left me stunned, and I loved that I felt a spark around her every time. Most women when they got comfortable with men seemed to dress down as they gained comfort in the relationship. It made me feel like they didn¡¯t care what men thought or they just took them for granted. Anya showed she cared how she presented herself whenever she saw me. She didn¡¯t have to look beautiful every time, she could have dressed down and I¡¯d still love her the same, but it was just nice to know she cared about the way she looked around me even when the clothes I wore paled in comparison. She always looked spectacular, and little did she know, I paid attention to the all the beautiful details.
ME: ¡°That¡¯s very interesting, babe. I do notice and today particularly I was really self-conscious about the way I looked today. I didn¡¯t want to mention anything because not only do you always look beautiful, but I didn¡¯t want to bring attention to how I was dressed. I must admit, I do notice little details, and I love your style. It totally drew me to you since day one. I even love your gym wear! I noticed your outfit, even your boots, the necklace and earrings you wore and even the glitter in your eyes. You always look so beautiful, but I think it¡¯s redundant to tell you the obvious. Every time we¡¯ve met or gotten together, you show me a different variation of your beauty, and I notice it all babe.¡±
ANYA: ¡°That¡¯s interesting b/c it didn¡¯t matter to me how you were dressed. Idk if you have marks or scars on your body. Idk if you walk funny. Idk what your feet look like. Idk a lot but it doesn¡¯t matter cuz I know your heart and mind.¡±
As Anya revealed her thoughts, it brought me back to the time I had a conversation with my mother about Denise after she broke up with me. I told her I believed the bone on my leg freaked her out and it was the reason she left me for another. My mother then told me something I didn¡¯t believe at the time; that if someone truly loved you, that wouldn¡¯t have mattered. Anya¡¯s words scared me a bit simply because she didn¡¯t know the details of my body, and therefore loved me because just like Denise, she didn¡¯t know about the extra bone on my leg. What if she discovered it like Denise and she too felt differently? That once she learned about the details of my body, she would stay with Jackson? Although these were legitimate concerns, I also felt confident enough that she loved me too much to let it affect her as Denise and I never experienced all Anya and I did. It was easy for Denise to detach herself from me without much emotional investment, but at the same time, I knew the day would come when Anya would feel the bump on my leg, if she hadn¡¯t already. But I didn¡¯t particularly know the details of Anya¡¯s body as well, but I felt exactly the same way, that it didn¡¯t matter because I knew her heart and mind.
ME: ¡°I check you out often, babe. I¡¯m just discreet about it. I wouldn¡¯t be so attracted to you if I didn¡¯t know your body on some level.¡±
ANYA: ¡°You do? How do you do that? I don¡¯t notice you noticing me. Ur sneaky!¡±
ME: ¡°I don¡¯t want to be disrespectful about it, babe. I don¡¯t want you to get the impression that¡¯s all that matters to me. It¡¯s impossible not to check you out though, and you ALWAYS look beautiful to me!¡±
ANYA: ¡°Ahhh you¡¯re sweet.¡±
ME: ¡°I¡¯m not trying to be sweet babe, I¡¯m just being honest. I just hope you don¡¯t think I¡¯m perfect. I¡¯m not.¡±
ANYA: ¡°Of course I¡¯m not perfect either! Btw u don¡¯t walk funny do you? JK!¡±
ME: ¡°You didn¡¯t know I had a peg leg? Wow, I can¡¯t believe I got that past you! Good thing you¡¯ll take me with a wooden leg since I have one and all! You still love me, right?¡±
ANYA: ¡°Haha! No, I didn¡¯t! Yes, I do love you How do you notice when I only see u look into my eyes? I¡¯ve never seen you check me out. You¡¯re good!¡±
ME: ¡°Do you really believe I¡¯ve never checked you out before? The times you approached me at Sonomas. When you led me to my bedroom I was behind you, remember? Times you enter and leave my car when we meet for tea? The time we met at Maestro¡¯s when you tried to break up with me because you loved me? I was still sitting there when you left and my eyes didn¡¯t leave you when you walked away from me! The time I rescued you in Laguna Beach? There¡¯s countless times I¡¯ve checked you out! Thanks, now I feel creepy!¡±
ANYA: ¡°Haha! I¡¯ve only walked next to u or in front of u. Never behind. I¡¯m sure you have a normal gait! Do you have ten toes? JK!¡±
ME: ¡°Ha! You¡¯re killing me over here! Rest assured I¡¯ve checked you out before. I wouldn¡¯t have called you ¡°beautiful¡± if I didn¡¯t. It¡¯s an accurate description of you from the bottom of my heart, gathered from all the times I¡¯ve checked you out.¡±
ANYA: ¡°Aww babe thank you. It¡¯s still so amazing to me how much we love each other.¡±
ME: ¡°It shouldn¡¯t babe. You¡¯re very special to me. I just hope you know you always look great in my eyes. Even though you wear clothes designed by someone else, you have a style all your own. If anyone should wonder if they ever get checked out, it should be me! You used to comment on what I dressed but then stopped so I figured you probably didn¡¯t like what I was wearing, so I can understand how you thought I didn¡¯t notice what you wore today, but I did, and I do every time I see you. Like I said I need to revamp my wardrobe, or lack thereof to try and keep pace with you.¡±
ANYA: ¡°You always look cute and I love you in black. I guess I stopped b/c as I started falling more in love with you, what you wore became less important to me.¡±
ME: ¡°Thank you, babe. Our love is mature b/c we love each other for the right reasons.¡±
ANYA: ¡°I agree baby. I better get back to it or I¡¯ll be up all night cooking! Goodnight. I love you.¡±
I revealed more of myself to Anya than anyone else before. With the exception of one body detail, one I thought she knew about until our current textversation, Anya knew me as well as I knew myself, and I never felt safer with another person, so much so, I was willing to open myself up to her even more. I thought maybe this moment presented a good time to tell her about the bone on my leg, since we were on the subject, as I felt somewhat like a fraud now after I revisited my experience with Denise. I didn¡¯t think it would be an issue because the truth was I could just have it removed if it bothered her at all, but I should at least consider being honest with her about it if it bothered Denise so much.
ME: ¡°I want you to know the details of my body intimately. I do have insecurities about my body that have affected my self-esteem so I¡¯ve been hesitant to open myself up fully to you about it.¡±
ANYA: ¡°Really? I¡¯m sorry babe. I love your body b/c I love you.¡±
Well, maybe another time, I thought as I remembered the stark difference between Denise and Anya; Denise never loved me. It didn¡¯t mean I¡¯d never tell Anya, I¡¯m sure I would because I didn¡¯t want to be a fraud even though we were naked together so many times in bed, how could she not know? I also made conscious efforts though to move my leg in a way she wouldn¡¯t feel it, and be turned off, but in actuality it was just a bone, a regular part of the human body, just an extra part of me. Although I could have it removed, and it would be a non-issue, I wanted to be loved for the right reasons, as I used it as sort of a defense mechanism to weed out the superficial women from the ones who loved me for me, but I had to admit, I didn¡¯t have many women in my life so whenever I lost one due to this subconscious technique, who knew when I¡¯d see one again. With Anya, if she were to leave me over it, I¡¯d rather remove myself than the bone because I don¡¯t think I¡¯d trust anyone enough again to go through the process.
On Thursday, November 27th, 2008, Thanksgiving Day, forever the formal announcement of the holiday season, I never felt happier in life. My mother usually had a Thanksgiving dinner as she cooked throughout the entire day for us. I ate stuffing only once a year, never certain what it contained but her stuffing never disappointed. She also filled a small ceramic bowl of green olives that I emptied almost on my own. She decided to cook ham with the turkey when five years earlier I dumped an entire cannister of gravy on it to kill the dryness. Everything my mother put together for us, cranberry sauce, homemade stuffing, black and green olives, mashed and sweet potatoes, turkey and ham, made it all worth the grace she usually said before we ate. I couldn¡¯t believe God gave us this meal, when it was the sweat my Dad gave that provided it to us.
That morning Anya sent me a text.
10:37 a.m.
¡°Happy Turkey Day!¡±
I responded in kind, and as much as I wanted to talk with her, I felt I would only be a ¡°distraction¡±, especially on a day reserved for family. I hoped to shut down my emotions. To not hurt so much so I could be normal at home, like Anya did. My week long vacation was sorely needed to regroup and rethink. Not to rethink my feelings for Anya, but to find a way to handle them better. The stress and fatigue from my job, mixed in with my need for her, distorted my emotions. For instance, when I didn¡¯t hear back from her the other night, I jumped to conclusions, even believed she didn¡¯t truly love me, only to find out she responded to my ¡°I miss you¡± text, but I never received them. This break helped me to take a step back and not get too high or too low, but the highs were so naturally extreme, that the lows felt the same way. Without the stress and fatigue, I could focus on the positive as I had the time to sleep my worries off if I had to. I needed Anya to understand that women who still loved their husbands, who were not in love with other men, were not making any sacrifices to stay for the sake of the kids.
When I got to the house, my mom bustled through the kitchen, while my dad mowed the back yard lawn. We usually had my Grandfather, my dad¡¯s father, over for Thanksgiving and my mom¡¯s two brothers over, so there would be six of us. My dad always wanted the yards to look clean and nice whenever we had company so my mom usually handled all kitchen duties. She usually kicked me out of it when she cooked so I decided not to bother her much. She asked me how her hair looked again and I told her once more I didn¡¯t notice because it always looked the same to me. as I felt more perplexed each time she asked me. I then went in her room to watch a movie and saw a full bottle of Vicodin on her dresser. I had forgotten all about the pills and hadn¡¯t taken one in a long time so I decided to take three of them without telling my mother and washed one of them down to relax. I then felt my phone vibrate against my leg.
2:17 a.m.
¡°Missing u.¡±
When I read her text, it brought an instant smile to my face as I responded in kind. Anya just had no idea how much those texts meant to me as they brought me instant life and trust in her feelings for me. Thanksgiving Day was harder than I expected it to be as I wished she could be with me. I then wondered how much better my life would be if we were at the table somewhere together, if life felt this great even without her here. My days were no longer dreadful, but blessed with Anya in my life as I couldn¡¯t imagine I ever lived without her for so long. Although we were physically apart at the moment, it seemed we were never more together as her love shone through for me during my week break. As I laid down on my mother¡¯s bed with my phone in hand, she walked in suddenly.
¡°Hey. What¡¯s going on?¡± she asked.
¡°Just talked to Anya.¡± I said.
¡°How is she?¡± she asked as she plopped down in the faded pink recliner next to her bed. ¡°I¡¯m pooped.¡±
¡°She¡¯s good.¡± I said. ¡°Are you almost done?¡±
¡°Pretty close.¡± she said. ¡°Just waiting for the turkey to cook.¡±
¡°What time is dinner?¡±
¡°Four.¡±
¡°Four?¡± I asked. ¡°That¡¯s early don¡¯t you think?¡±
¡°Grandpa goes to bed early. He¡¯s ninety-two now, you know.¡±
¡°Oh.¡± I remembered.
¡°We have pumpkin pie for desert¡with whipped cream, too.¡±
¡°Can¡¯t turn that down.¡±
¡°I think the chemo is wiping me out.¡± she said. ¡°I¡¯m so tired. I had treatment yesterday.¡±
¡°How many have you had?¡±
¡°Three.¡± she said.
¡°Have they made any progress?¡± I asked.
¡°I don¡¯t know. I have a scan next month so we¡¯ll more then.¡±
¡°I see.¡±
¡°How¡¯s life, Hon? Is Anya celebrating Thanksgiving with her family today?¡±
¡°She is.¡± I confirmed. ¡°Life hasn¡¯t been better, Mom.¡±
¡°You haven¡¯t been around as much.¡±
¡°I¡¯ve been pretty wrapped up with work.¡± I informed her. ¡°They¡¯re going to announce my partner promotion to the entire firm at the Christmas party next month.¡±
¡°Oh, how nice! I¡¯m so happy for you Honey! You deserve if for all your hard work. God is good!¡±
¡°Thanks. Yeah, who knows? Maybe He isn¡¯t so bad.¡±
¡°You just have to let Him in your life.¡±
¡°Yeah.¡± I said to pacify her.
As good as my life was, I wasn¡¯t convinced it was God¡¯s doing. I did all the work. What evidence existed that his hand played in it? How could my belief in Him make things work out better for me? I was doing pretty good on my own. I respected my mother¡¯s belief in and love she had for God. It worked for her, but all I ever saw was all the love for God and all this belief she had in him, only brought her cancer. That was her reward for loving God? Wasn¡¯t he supposed to be a savior? Why would he give her Cancer when she loved Him so much? I didn¡¯t understand her devotion to Him. In my opinion, He let her down, bigtime, in fact He pretty much deceived her.
I still harbored feelings of anger towards God for some things that didn¡¯t make sense in my life, as I waited for any sign that He existed because all I saw was his hand in a lot of things that went wrong in my life. His Christian followers weren¡¯t much better as they seemed to never practice what they preached. As much as I didn¡¯t believe, I also didn¡¯t want to take anything away from my mother that helped get her through each day.
After a delicious dinner, and the need for a few extra workout days at the gym, I drove home alone under the stars and thought about how Anya¡¯s Thanksgiving Day panned out. She sent me another text just before dinner, to let me know she was thinking of me and to enjoy the time with my family. Days like this thought put fear in my heart, as Anya spent a special kind of moment day with her kids which undoubtedly increased her ¡°torn¡± feelings about us. When I never heard back from her for the rest of the evening, my only option was to go to sleep earlier than usual before the fear hear of a silent ¡°Black Friday¡± overtook my ability to sleep. That night, as I tossed restlessly at times as I fought back the pain of not having her in my arms, I had a strange dream about seeing her at the mall. A dream that forced myself from my slumber in fear I would forget the details of it.
The next morning when Anya sent me a text, I hoped for the chance to share the dream I had with her.
10:16 a.m.
¡°I hope you had a nice Thanksgiving Day. I really miss you.¡±
ME: ¡°I did. How was your Thanksgiving? Are you going shopping today? I really miss you too.¡±
When I sent her my text, I did so reluctantly, in complete apprehension and fear in what I might read.
ANYA: ¡°It was ok. Missed you the whole night just wishing. Actually, Katie and I already did! It was crowded especially Bloomie¡¯s!¡±
ME: ¡°Good for you! Seems like you can¡¯t beat the crowds at any time on Black Friday! I thought about you all day yesterday wishing I could be with you too.¡±
ANYA: ¡°I knew this holiday season was going to be hard on me.¡±
ME: ¡°It¡¯s crazy you mentioned you were at the mall with Katie earlier. I had a really interesting dream last night. It seemed so real.¡±
ANYA: ¡°A dream?¡±
ME: ¡°I had a dream I ran into you and Katie having lunch. When I saw you both, you asked me to come over to join you. You then introduced me to Katie and walked away to leave Katie and I alone together. Katie turned to me and asked ¡°How is your writing coming along?¡± and it stunned me. I asked Katie ¡°Your mom talks about me to you?¡±, and she told me ¡°All the time.¡±¡±
ANYA: ¡°Wow! That is an interesting dream! I wish.¡±
ME: ¡°I woke up and couldn¡¯t believe it was just a dream. As crazy as it must sound to you, it seemed so real.¡±
ANYA: ¡°I love that dream.¡±
ME: ¡°Me too.¡±
To read Anya loved that dream made me feel good she responded positively to it. It was such a simple thing, to meet her kids one day, but I felt that good about us lately as I hoped one day this dream of mine would morph into reality.
Our conversation however morphed into one about another kind of fiction.
ANYA: ¡°How do you like the book so far? I¡¯m going to try to pick it back up today.¡±
ME: ¡°It¡¯s okay so far. I¡¯m hoping it picks up a little, but it makes me think of us when I read it though, so I¡¯m enjoying it purely on that aspect alone. It makes me miss you more!¡±
ANYA: ¡°Ha I know! I miss you so much!¡±
On a day I feared I wouldn¡¯t hear from her often, she texted me again to show me how irrational my fear truly was, like all of them seemed to be lately.
12:22 p.m.
¡°I love you.¡±
Again, I couldn¡¯t conceive Anya truly realized how much texts like this meant to me. It showed me I was in this for all the right reasons and gave me more of a reason to focus and build on the positive energy between us. When we were apart now, after we¡¯ve become so much closer, to say it was difficult to remain positive would be like calling what happened on nine-eleven a fraternity prank. I ached to be with her I felt it physically. I yearned for her to leave just so I¡¯d have the peace of mind to know when I¡¯d see her again. The fact she hadn¡¯t promised me up to this point was both good and bad. Good in the sense that she wanted to be a woman of her word, which I respected, and bad in the sense it wouldn¡¯t allow me to feel fully secure when we were apart. She could have texted me ¡°I love you¡± all day long, and I¡¯m not saying she didn¡¯t mean it and it didn¡¯t mean a lot to me, but a promise carried much more weight as it gave ¡°I love you¡± credibility. With a promise, I¡¯d never have to bed within to see an ¡°I love you¡± text come my way; I¡¯d have the ultimate evidence of love for me within her promise. On this day however, I felt really good about us, and that a promise laid right around the bend. It just didn¡¯t seem possible at this point for her to share so much of herself with me to only go back to her marriage. The love was greater than ever between us and she confided in me way too much about everything between them, more than she ever did. She had no reason to betray our love and throw all what we¡¯ve shared away, let alone bring us this far for nothing.
Two hours after she sent me her last text, she sent me another.
2:24 p.m.
¡°How r u? What r u up to?¡±
ME: ¡°I¡¯m reading ¡°Twilight¡±. Thinking about you. I miss you, babe.¡±
ANYA: ¡°I miss u too. Haven¡¯t stopped missing you. I miss your face. Going to read too.¡±
I thought Anya just texted me to check in, and that was it, but it seemed when she missed me, she meant it.
ANYA: ¡°How was dinner last night? I¡¯m still full!¡±
ME: ¡°Me too! My mom sent me home with leftovers too! What did you have to eat? I know you didn¡¯t have turkey on Turkey Day!¡±
ANYA: ¡°Haha! Well I had appetizers, salad, yams, mashed and scalloped potatoes, green beans and of course wine! No desert tho.¡±
ME: ¡°No desert? How did you do it? Love scalloped potatoes! Did you prepare all that by yourself?¡±
ANYA: ¡°No had help from friends. I miss u baby. It¡¯s torture.¡±
Torture; the perfect description of what we both felt when her life parted us. As much as it pained her, both of our hands were tied by her as she bound herself to this pain. I didn¡¯t want her to struggle, it broke my heart but at the same time I wanted her to only for the reason she would be more inclined to end her pain and promise me to leave Jackson.
ME: ¡°If you have a window and you can get away for a little bit, I¡¯d meet you anywhere babe. I¡¯d always find a way to see you. I miss you just as bad.¡±
ANYA: ¡°I know you would. I wish I could but the kids are off and it¡¯s really hard to get away. For instance, Andrew wants me to go bike riding then baking then movies, etc.¡±
ME: ¡°I totally understand. I just don¡¯t want you to struggle so if there¡¯s a way, I¡¯m available. Just don¡¯t want you to think I¡¯m not there for you when you have a hard time. I¡¯m always here for you. I know I can¡¯t be your number one, but you¡¯re always my number one.¡±
ANYA: ¡°I want to see you everyday.¡±
Her text caught me by surprise as it told me ¡°I love you¡± without saying so. I read her ¡°I want to see you everyday¡± proclamation more than just a few times as it went straight to by heart, not only in disbelief but also in triumph. I wanted to see her everyday too which made it even more torturous to be apart. Now I knew why Anya felt the holidays would be hard on her, she was not only tied down, but had to face the folks with love for another in her heart and mind. If I had known we would be at this point, apart even when together, I would have never gotten involved. Not just for my own heart¡¯s sake but for hers as well. I didn¡¯t want her to carry these strong feelings for me and inside keep a secret from her kids. I couldn¡¯t imagine how hard that was on a mother, but I blamed Jackson for it. He put her in a state to feel so unloved that when she found love in another place, he knew it would be a place away from her own children. What was Anya¡¯s crime in life? Wanting to feel and be truly loved? Why was she made to suffer? Why did she deserve to be judged after all Jackson had done to leave her within a cursed marriage? Why would God put her, or anyone like her, through this pain? Essentially, He gave her another form of Cancer, like He allowed my mother to have. How do I save this woman from herself?
I had to fight all the negativity. I had to hide all the pain I felt at times. All the times that led me to question if she truly loved me. If Anya were to lose our love, we would never recover, but at least she had kids who relied on her to fall back on. What was my reason to live without her? What also drove me mad at times, is that my own pain blinded me to her struggle, and that hurt just as much as anything else did. I wanted to see her everyday too, and I didn¡¯t know how long we could keep this up without being able to. We had gotten too close, and something just had to give. I had to convince her to leave more than ever, but I had to do it with love, not pressure, a hard thing to do when I felt so much about everything around us that tried to thwart us too.
ME: ¡°If I could see you everyday, I would. Just know I¡¯m always here for you. I love you.¡±
ANYA: ¡°I know babe. Thank you. I love you too.¡±
I understood Anya¡¯s struggle more than she realized. I didn¡¯t want her kids to ever ¡°find¡± her or Jackson out, but it upset me to know, he did know. Instead of giving her an opportunity for happiness, something he raped from her, he rejoiced in her struggle as if he had always been faithful. All the times he disrespected her by checking out other women in her presence, all the times he ran around on her, all the times he made her feel ¡°safe¡± by leaving her sick on a cruise ship and telling her he would ¡°trade her in for 2 twenty year olds when she turned 40¡± didn¡¯t add up to my understanding if she chose marriage over our love for any reason. And he was going to fight for her? What was he going to fight for when he had already lost her? You mean he would fight for her continued misery? It¡¯s as if Hitler suddenly self proclaimed himself to be Shakespeare. Anya never returned his ¡°I love you¡±¡¯s because she simply didn¡¯t trust them. She knew he had no idea what love was and what it meant. It was I who showed her its true meaning, and I couldn¡¯t fathom, even for the sake of the kids, she was going back to his ways of deception after all she learned from our love.
Later that evening, she sent me a text to let me know what she was up to.
6:02 p.m.
¡°Book is getting better. On page 200! Got out of taking Andrew to the movies. He decided he¡¯d rather hang. Thank God!¡±
ME: ¡°You¡¯re way ahead of me! What movie did he want to see?¡±
ANYA: ¡°The new Bond movie. Can¡¯t remember the name. Ha! U wouldn¡¯t tell me if you were ahead cuz you¡¯re too nice!¡±
ME: ¡°This isn¡¯t one of those times because I really am 48 pages behind!¡±
Anya always went the extra mile for her kids. If Andrew wanted money wallpaper, he got four walls of it. Often times I felt she went out of her way to never say no, and it bothered me not because Andrew didn¡¯t deserve to do everything he wanted, but because I didn¡¯t think it prepared him for the times when life would tell him no. But from my point of view though, it would have been easier to prepare them for a divorce if they knew life wasn¡¯t always fair. Part of my struggle with Anya, was that it seemed whatever Katie and Andrew wanted, Katie and Andrew received. When I was their age, I was lucky to receive any of the things I wanted yet I survived and it wasn¡¯t the end of the world although at the time it felt that way. I knew Anya didn¡¯t want her kids to hate her or to disappoint them, and of course, I didn¡¯t want them to hate her or feel disappointed too, but I also wanted them to respect the decisions she made for them both. To know they were number one to her, that the decisions she made for them were in their best interest, and they were both dearly loved regardless if she chose to leave their father. When Anya texted ¡°Thank God¡± Andrew decided to hang out at the house instead of going to the movies, if she couldn¡¯t swing all he wanted to do, why didn¡¯t she lay down the law with him? She baked. She biked. She played catch. Why did she fear so much to tell him we could only do two of the three things if she felt too tired to do them? Anya was a good mother, but she was important too, and sometimes being a good parent meant saying ¡°no¡± too every once in a while. I knew my mother had no problem telling me ¡°no¡± so it led me to believe if she was in competition with Jackson in regards to them. Did she fear if he divorced her that they would choose to stay with him over her and that¡¯s why she bent over backwards for them? This was the gray area that bred these certain dynamics so I couldn¡¯t be to critical without consideration of them in play.
As I considered these other things, Anya began to give me a glimpse into what laid ahead for me in the book.
6:19 p.m.
¡°He starting to show how much he cares for her.¡±
ME: ¡°Are you trying to ruin it for me? Is that the goal babe? JK!¡±
ANYA: ¡°Haha! Please tell me when you catch up.¡±
I didn¡¯t believe there was any catching up to Anya any time soon as she seemed to be a fast reader, but she kept score anyway thirty minutes later.
6:53 p.m.
¡°Are you reading? On 222!¡±
ME: ¡°I¡¯m reading, babe. Candlelight and all. On page 194! Your text scared me because my phone suddenly vibrated against my side. I guess I was lying on top of it.¡±
ANYA: ¡°Sometimes I lay my phone on my tummy waiting for it to vibrate when I¡¯m lying down. I¡¯d put it close to my chest, close to my heart but it doesn¡¯t exactly lay flat.¡±
ME: ¡°I usually lay my phone on my chest, over my heart when I¡¯m in bed when I think about you!¡±
ANYA: ¡°Ha! That¡¯s funny! I would if I could. Uneven surface!¡±
ME: ¡°See, that¡¯s another reason I didn¡¯t check the female box. I couldn¡¯t lay my phone on my chest.¡±
ANYA: ¡°That¡¯s hardly a good enough reason!¡±
ME: ¡°Sometimes I just have to lay it down away from me b/c I get sad when it doesn¡¯t vibrate. Then I¡¯ll close my eyes and fall asleep to forget and when I wake up there¡¯s usually a text from you. I know that must sound weird, but I love you.¡±
ANYA: ¡°No it doesn¡¯t sound weird. I know the feeling though you¡¯re more free to text me than I am to text you. When I wake up to see a text from you it¡¯s like a present!¡±
ME: ¡°I kiss my phone sometimes when I get texts from you!¡±
ANYA: ¡°Aww babe. That¡¯s sweet.¡±
ME: ¡°I had no idea getting a text from me was like receiving a present. I love texting you at night. You¡¯re all I think about.¡±
ANYA: ¡°You¡¯re all I think about too.¡±
The Anya that texted me on this night seemed to open up more than ever before, as it provided me with an opportunity to exchange a more meaningful dialogue with her.
ME: ¡°I really love to share my feelings with you. There¡¯s just not enough room in my heart to contain all of them.¡±
ANYA: ¡°Our love is the kind of love every girl should experience at least once. It¡¯s the kind of love I never knew existed. It¡¯s the kind of love you can be you without fear.¡±
ME: ¡°I think it should be the kind of love every girl should have and not just experience. Our hearts are so in synch. It¡¯s such a great feeling to share feelings with someone who doesn¡¯t judge you because they are too busy feeling the same way. Never had that before.¡±
ANYA: ¡°I love sharing feelings with you too because it¡¯s mutual therefore it¡¯s safe. No judgment.¡±
ME: ¡°Well, I never thought I¡¯d meet someone who wore their heart on their sleeve like I do. We still wear our heart on our sleeves even after the hurt we have felt in our lives. I think that speaks volumes about how much we love and trust each other.¡±
ANYA: ¡°I agree babe. Amazingly, it didn¡¯t take me long to let down my guard and trust you. Didn¡¯t think I¡¯d be able to trust again.¡±
ME: ¡°It¡¯s our connection, babe. We get each other.¡±
ANYA: ¡°We do. I love you.¡±
ME: ¡°You can always trust me with your heart. I dream about taking good care of it for you one day until all the days end and beyond. I love you too.¡±
ANYA: ¡°No doubt I could. Aww babe. What¡¯s to become of us? I fear both ways.¡±
During our most romantic text exchange, just before I could revel in the moment, she asked what would become of us. During the last twenty minutes, I thought she had it all figured out. That it was all starting to make sense to her. That our love was too real and too true to wonder what would become of it too.
I felt it all came down to one thing, and one thing only. The one thing you had to believe and trust in. The one thing that conquered all.
ME: ¡°I guess it depends on how much you believe in love.¡±
A belief in love. What else could hold love back?
ANYA: ¡°Hmmm¡not solely.¡±
ME: ¡°What are your thoughts, babe?¡±
ANYA: ¡°You know the story, my children.¡±
I wouldn¡¯t have fallen deeply in love with Anya if she didn¡¯t struggle with how it would affect her kids, and that¡¯s the truth. I loved the fact she didn¡¯t cast them aside and run right to me. Being with her that way wouldn¡¯t have made me happy. I needed all Katie and Andrew as well, and not just Anya as it wouldn¡¯t work out with just one but rather all three of them. I didn¡¯t want to disagree with her. She had the right to feel the way she did, but I was her night vision glasses, and she leaned on me to help her see things from a different angle. Like any other person who fell in love with someone, they fell in love with a new vision of the same world; a world they could never see before they met.
I meant no disrespect to Katie and Andrew by fighting for their mother, I felt my actions were noble simply because the way Anya¡¯s life was one filled with stress and unhappiness. I also felt her life could be cut unnecessarily short, and I wanted both Katie and Andrew to maximize the number of years they had their mother, the person who held them inside her before they breathed this world¡¯s air. My mother ate healthy too, yet she couldn¡¯t evade Cancer, and a huge part of my fight for Anya was subconsciously within my internal struggle to cope with my own mother¡¯s illness. Jackson could never understand Anya¡¯s struggle, whether he had the time to or not. I was certain he loved his children, but I think he loved himself more than anything else, which wasn¡¯t a bad thing as long as humility was involved, but I didn¡¯t see it. I hated to rebuke Anya¡¯s feelings, but for the love of life, for her life in particular, I had to.
I was in her life for this reason.
ME: ¡°I feel if you truly believe in our love, and its importance to have in life then you¡¯re willing to take a chance.¡±
I waited for a response that would more than likely ruin the romantic feelings we just shared, as I hoped she would say something that didn¡¯t make me disagree with her.
ANYA: ¡°I think about it every day, every hour, every minute, every second¡¡±
She responded with an open mind, one of hope, not of fear and consistent with all we just shared with each other as she went against the grain, and even what I prepared myself for.
ME: ¡°Do you ever get the impression a lot of love songs that were written have been about two lovers in our situation?¡±
ANYA: ¡°Yes why?¡±
ME: ¡°I was listening to the ¡°love¡± station on my car radio the other day and it just seemed like it in every song that came on. When you listen to that station do you feel the same way?¡±
ANYA: ¡°All the time.¡±
ME: ¡°There was a Bryan Adams song you told me to listen to and the lyrics said ¡°You would be willing to risk everything for love¡± or something close to that anyway. The point is besides it being a really good song, I think it carries the truth about love. I just think you really have to believe in it. The greatest thing about that song for me is that you told me to listen to it. I would have never known of it if it hadn¡¯t come from you. I believe in your love for me and I know you believe in my love for you. I just don¡¯t know if you can put much faith in it when it has brought you so much pain, hence the fear, and of course, Katie & Andrew. I guess the way I see it is why put your entire heart and soul into this, the way you do every day, and not take a chance?¡±
My response to Anya¡¯s belief that it took more than just a belief in love left her in a state of silence. Why go this far, to feel all she felt, the good and the bad, and not be willing to take a chance? It was a good question especially when I threw in the narrative of the song she asked me to listen to that spoke the same truth. ¡°for love you would be willing to risk everything¡±. If Anya and I only had a physical relationship, and our ¡°love¡± was predicated only upon that, I understood better how she felt, but we had a deep emotional connection as well, an undeniable bond, so I felt if she truly loved me, she would also have to believe in the goodness of our love, which in turn I felt there was zero chance of the kids being hurt by it in a life destructive way. I felt if she truly believed in our love, and its goodness, only good could come out of her leaving Jackson. If she didn¡¯t truly believe in our love, the only reason she put her heart and soul into this was to fill the void left by Jackson, something I made clear in the very beginning I didn¡¯t want to fill before I decided to give her the only reason why she hadn¡¯t left him yet.
ME: ¡°Do you have any thoughts, babe?¡±
ANYA: ¡°Just listening and taking it all in. Back to thinking¡¡±
ME: ¡°I love you forever.¡±
ANYA: ¡°I love you forever.¡±
I didn¡¯t know if Anya felt with my belief that love was the answer, that I also discounted how her kids would be affected. It¡¯s the way Anya loved me that gave me the strong beliefs I had. She told me Lance the romantic singer left her because she had kids, not because she told him she couldn¡¯t be with him because of her kids. She told me all she needed was someone to be there for her, to know she was loved in order for her to leave. She even wanted me to listen to the Bryan Adams song I quoted the lyrics to. How could she communicate these things to me and when I pointed them out to her, believe I discounted how much her kids would be affected? She asked me to fight for her and I¡¯ve done that every day for the last year. It really did depend on love and if she believed in it. If she did, she could only be drawn to the goodness in it, not the bad. I saw a lot of people with kids who left for a lot less than Anya would be leaving for. Her love was the most beautiful thing I ever experienced but if she didn¡¯t truly believe in it, I would only be fooling myself and ourselves. I needed to know her love truly stood for ¡°I love you, forever.¡±
I then decided to look up the exact lyrics of the song and text them to her, to give her a little more to think about.
¡°When you love someone- you¡¯ll sacrifice.
You¡¯d give it everything you got and you won¡¯t think twice.
You¡¯d risk it all ¨C no matter what may come.
When you love someone.¡±
The lyrics to the very song she asked me to listen to as I waited for her response the next morning.
CHAPTER 24 ~ THE UNKNOWN VARIABLE
¡°Fear of the unknown is the greatest fear of all.¡±
~ Yvon Chouinard
6:07 a.m.
¡°Ahh! A present! I love that song. It about sums it up, doesn¡¯t it?¡±
I was worried she would fail to respond positively to the song lyrics I texted to her of the Bryan Adams song she wanted me to listen to. I just never felt closer to her, and if I didn¡¯t feel every tug and pull from her before, I certainly did now. I became sensitized to almost anything she did as I wholeheartedly trusted in her love, and not only that she loved me, but that she understood what love meant, and how it could never hurt kids over the long term. Sure, in the short-term, it would affect them and maybe even hurt them, like it would hurt or affect any child who had yet to understand why things changed. This was love, though. Anya and I weren¡¯t A-Rod and Madonna who irresponsibly disappeared in a hidden chateau somewhere. This was a ¡°let¡¯s face the folks and show them what we already know¡± kind of love, and I could not be convinced otherwise. She even said our love was ¡°pure¡± and there was a ¡°goodness¡± she found in it, and I trusted she sincerely felt that way, and had no reason to lie about that to me, her best friend.
During our morning text exchange, after wrote she missed me and was now on Twilight¡¯s page number two hundred fifty. She then began to ask about my plans for the day, and I really didn¡¯t think anything unusual about her questions, nor did I expect anything to come from my answers¡but she did.
ANYA: ¡°What are you doing today?¡±
ME: ¡°I¡¯m going to do the gym and then after that I don¡¯t know.¡±
ANYA: ¡°When are you going to the gym?¡±
ME: ¡°I really don¡¯t know yet to be honest.¡±
ANYA: ¡°I¡¯m going out to be out with Katie all day shopping for room accessories. I thought if you had time I could meet you for a quick tea before I head out.¡±
ME: ¡°Oh my God, I¡¯d love to have tea with you! What time did you have in mind?¡±
ANYA: ¡°Do you want to work out now? I¡¯m actually ready to leave with her pretty soon. I¡¯m afraid I will have to push tea time until this afternoon.¡±
ME: ¡°That works out, perfectly! Can you give me an ETA?¡±
ANYA: ¡°2:30 for tea?¡±
ME: ¡°2:30! I love you!¡±
ANYA: ¡°U promise?¡±
ME: ¡°I promise I won¡¯t tickle you¡¡±
ANYA: ¡°Thank you, babe! I love u!¡±
ME: ¡°that much.¡±
ANYA: ¡°Babe!!!¡±
I really enjoyed this time of our relationship as we felt comfortable enough with each other to become more playful. I respected the situation, but I didn¡¯t want our relationship to always carry a serious tone. We both needed a break from the serious nature of our circumstances, and it was nice to be light hearted around each other as I believed this would be us if she removed the barrier that held back the public expression of our love for each other. I fell even more in love with her as I brought out this playful side to her I¡¯ve come to know, and only another reason for the continued growth of my feelings for her. Life was supposed to be fun, and if you couldn¡¯t be yourself or be playful around your best friend and lover, who could you be playful around? One the greatest compliments I ever received, without being told directly, was when Anya said she felt she could be herself without fear or judgment. Her comment told me not only did she find a goodness in our love regardless of her apprehension, but I also made he a better person. I couldn¡¯t have been happier she felt that way about herself around me, as she should. Anya had grown into the most beautiful person on the planet in my eyes, and because of it I never wanted to know anyone else.
During our tea meeting, although I feared words from her that could break my heart in some fashion, the only time my heart broke was when she left. I commented how beautiful she looked in her red top, as her dark hair flowed artistically upon her shoulders. She then told me how Katie was becoming a real ¡°girlfriend¡± now, which both warmed and scared my heart to hear as they had lunch together earlier. As she spoke, I transported myself back to the dream I had about meeting Katie, and it warmed my heart her comment ¡°I love that dream¡± coincided with it, as it gave me hope maybe one day she could be a ¡°girlfriend¡± enough to share the true love her mother had found in me. We kissed very deeply after our small talk, as I could still hear her soft uncontrollable moans as if we made love too. When she left, it left me in pieces as it reminded me how badly I wanted to see her every day. How I wanted to be around her beauty all the time. I couldn¡¯t deny it broke my heart I could have her love, her heart, and most of herself, yet remained shackled by this secret; one that left me to feel like a disease instead of a cure. It broke my heart to see that possible reality yet remain patient about it. I had to be honest with myself too though, that when she left on this day, I felt more pain than I usually did as I yearned to only be viewed as the cure.
4:51 p.m.
¡°Thank you for driving up! I loved it as always! I miss you!¡±
ME: ¡°Thanks for making time for us today, babe. I loved every second! I miss you too!¡±
I wanted to tell her how badly I missed her the minute she left, but I didn¡¯t want her to worry. We were doing so good and were now pretty much back together. I didn¡¯t want her to sense she had to pull away, but I had to find the strength to be honest with myself too. I didn¡¯t want to lie to her about the growing depth of my feelings for her as there was no cap I could put on this. This vulnerable emotional state only continued to grow as I felt my feelings began to outgrow our contained relationship. Wasn¡¯t one year enough time for her to get to know me and to know she loved me? I felt some time in Year Two, she had to either separate from Jackson or at the very least make me a promise to leave him. I needed to know how much she valued our love, and if she truly valued it the way she told and showed me she did. That I wasn¡¯t in her life to only fill a void as if I supported her marriage. I felt everything she asked me to do. Everything she told me I needed to do in order for her to leave and make a promise to be together, I did at least six months ago. She left me with a real need for her, and it was more than about love, but if I continued to support this form of our relationship, she would only continue to have zero incentive to leave. If I quit her, it would be abandonment after all the tears she cried and all the times she struggled without me in her life, and I just couldn¡¯t walk away from her as I felt responsible for the change in her life now. I witnessed the sadness each time she tried to break it off with me, and the love she knew she couldn¡¯t live without. I didn¡¯t know what the new year held for us, but I did know this much¡I couldn¡¯t continue living a lie.
It was the last Saturday night of my vacation but instead of going out, I decided to visit my parents instead. Anya texted me, much later than she ever did on a Saturday night, as I¡¯m sure she wondered if I had plans to go to Sonomas again, but after she felt a little jealousy over it, I refused to ever go again without her.
9:58 p.m.
¡°I miss u.¡±
ME: ¡°I miss u too, babe.¡±
ANYA: ¡°I love u.¡±
ME: ¡°I love u, too.¡±
ANYA: ¡°Going to read, U?¡±
ME: ¡°I¡¯m actually at my mom¡¯s house so probably tomorrow. What page are you on?¡±
ANYA: ¡°Again? Wow! Ur a good son! I¡¯m on 294. Gtg! Goodnight babe. I love u.¡±
The very second she left me on this day, I did nothing but think about her. Her very rare and late Saturday night texts were meant to be discreet, but they made me secure enough to know it bothered her I could be out since it was the last night of my vacation. I knew it surprised her when I opted to hang with my mother¡¯s home rather a bar, but little did Anya know, she made me a better person too.
Before I left my mother¡¯s house, I grabbed a few more Vicodin but informed her this time around. As I drove home, I realized in less than an hour, the day would be the thirtieth one of November, the same day one year ago we reconnected. And just like on her birthday, I wanted to text her a happy one-year anniversary at midnight to let her know how much it meant to me.
ME: ¡°My Soulmate, True Love and Best Friend, thank you for the best one year period of my entire life. You have personified the word ¡°beautiful¡± and ¡°love¡± in every sense of those very two words every day for me since the very first day I met you in June. I sincerely love you more today than yesterday and any day before. Happy 1 year babe. I love you forever.¡±
After a year of extreme highs and lows, it truly was a huge milestone for us as we fought for our love every day since.
5:25 a.m.
¡°Ahhh! You¡¯re the sweetest! Your text at midnight reminded me of when you wished me happy birthday at midnight! It¡¯s been an incredible year for me too. Happy 1 year my love. I love you forever.¡±
A year ago, I became an entirely new person, yet it was a rebirth into the person I always knew existed as Anya renewed and restored my belief in love. Anya though experienced on some level, what I now experienced with her for the first time so even though it couldn¡¯t represent the best one year period of her life, it truly represented the best one year period of mine. The goal in the second year though was simple, to obtain a promise from her. A promise not only I deserved but she did as well. But if she couldn¡¯t commit to leave her marriage this year, I could at least let her know about my promotion to partner in June as the Company¡¯s non-disclosure agreement would then extend past myself and Clyde and be known to the employees during the December Christmas party announcement. The knowledge of my promotion, and the significant raise that came with it, would undoubtedly make Anya¡¯s decision much easier, but trust and loyalty were two words I took seriously and I owed it to Clyde and the firm to abide by the agreement even if it could save me a ton of heartache.
A promise from her would quiet my tortured mind as I missed her beyond I ever thought capable of. Her promise would confirm I was indeed a need, and not a luxury or a temporary solution. It would also confirm she believed in our love. That love, not lust, was enough to know her kids would be fine, and their future would not be affected. And more than anything, it eliminated any fear of betrayal, that all she did promise before we started, wasn¡¯t intended to mislead me in anyway. That everything we shared was not to fill a void in her life. Even though I did feel feelings at various times, I didn¡¯t want to believe these negative things were remotely possible. Each and every time I felt uncertainty and gloom, she hit me with the greatest love that brought her even closer to me, but as long as our relationship stayed this way and never changed, I would only lose more trust in her reasons to bring me closer. Only a promise could destroy my fears, as the reason she didn¡¯t promise me anything was because she took it seriously, and it¡¯s why she hadn¡¯t done so as she wanted to make sure she didn¡¯t let me down if she did.
There still existed some misconceptions about the way I felt about her kids we needed to clear up, as she likely thought by making a promise to be with me, was that I also wanted her to hurt them by leaving. I just wanted her to be honest with them about her marriage. That it wasn¡¯t the rock they thought it was, but rather a turtle¡¯s shell. I understood why she didn¡¯t want to tell them the whole truth, and that¡¯s not what I wanted. I just didn¡¯t want her to lie to them anymore as all we shared over the last year became the ultimate lie, and that was a part of Anya I needed to know wasn¡¯t true about her. That she couldn¡¯t look her own children in the eye and tell them nothing could ever change. When we agreed to be, she convinced me to believe this was not an issue if we were to be. She even stated emphatically that divorces happened all the time. Kids were resilient, and nothing was impossible. Without those very words from her, I¡¯m not here or there, that¡¯s how much I trusted them, and her. If Anya believed in love, then she believed in all she told me too. If she couldn¡¯t make a promise to me one day, then she purposely misled me, and my heart was just in no position to accept or believe she would do such a thing to me, her best friend. The man she loved.
As the thirtieth day of November fell upon us, a Sunday, I held out hope since she made time for tea yesterday that she would find a way to see me on our one year anniversary, like she did at the one year mark of the time we met in June for dinner, our first ¡°date¡±. I had to also understand, Jackson had yet to confront her about anything at that time, so I had to coax my heart into understanding why I may not see her, but my mind had other ideas because we shared more since then too.
In an attempt to see how my day could possibly pan out, I texted to wish her a good morning and to see if she read the night before.
8:47 a.m.
¡°Good morning! No, I fell back asleep. Was tired. I¡¯m on pg. 316.¡±
ME: ¡°How r u? Do you think you can get away today at all?¡±
As I asked the question that carried my mood for the day with it, all I could do was hold my breath as I couldn¡¯t believe my boldness.
ANYA: ¡°I¡¯m good! I don¡¯t think I can get away this afternoon until around 2ish. Sorry. How r u?¡±
ME: ¡°I¡¯m good! Thank you! Two is perfect! I miss u.¡±
ANYA: ¡°Thx! I miss u too.¡±
A couple of hours later, she text me again, but this time it appeared she read ¡°Twilight¡± when she did.
11:51 a.m.
¡°Strange but Edward reminds me of you. If you were a vampire you¡¯d be an Edward. Keep reading! At the skate park with Andrew.¡±
As I continued to read ¡°Twilight¡±, I went back and reread Bella¡¯s description of him. She referred to him as ¡°dazzling¡±, an almost perfect physical quality to him. I then thought back to our conversation about her not knowing the details of my body as I touched the extra bone on my leg to imagine how it could turn her off. As sweet as her comparison was, she had to know I wasn¡¯t as dazzling as Edward, not even by a long shot as I felt like a fraud.
ME: ¡°Thank you for the compliment, babe but I¡¯m far from perfect. He ¡°dazzles¡± Bella and I don¡¯t think I¡¯m on that level, although I think I love like he loves. He¡¯s beautiful to her.¡±
ANYA: ¡°You¡¯re beautiful and perfect to me. You do ¡°dazzle¡± me babe! It¡¯s the way he loves her and takes care of her. Though he wants her he would never hurt her. I love you!¡±
ME: ¡°I do want to protect you and never hurt you. I love you in every way imaginable and my love for you is completely instinctual and natural.¡±
ANYA: ¡°Ahhh! OK I can¡¯t top that! Did that just roll out of your head?¡±
ME: ¡°It rolled out of my heart babe¡and it¡¯s the truth.¡±
ANYA: ¡°That was so beautiful babe! 1:45 p.m. ok for tea?¡±
ME: ¡°That¡¯s perfect!¡±
ANYA: ¡°And remember¡you promised!¡±
ME: ¡°Promised what?¡±
ANYA: ¡°Landyn!!!¡±
After I relieved her of a fear of an unexpected touch, relief filled me; I¡¯d see her. I didn¡¯t think the day could go any better and I hoped she knew I¡¯d never hurt her. I meant it when I said I¡¯d take a bullet for her if the situation called for it. I found it my duty, one I took seriously, to protect her from her any further abusive in her marriage. At the same time though, I began to essentially die a little more every day, as my life faded further away each time we were apart.
An inverse relationship existed physiologically between my heart and mind when I saw Anya jump inside my car, as my heart increased while my mind relaxed, as we headed to Cascade Park. Her hair alone put me at a loss for words as her beauty floored me once again. I had so much to tell her, things when she was apart from me, but I would forget when she was with me. As if I took a drug that rendered my mind useless, as all that really mattered was this moment with her, one I seemingly waited a lifetime for. Being with Anya felt like a dream more than reality, one that woke you up in the middle of the night so you could memorialize it, and when you woke up the next morning, couldn¡¯t get out of your head the entire day. And the more you thought about it, and the more you found yourself submersed in reality, the more it bothered you it was only a dream. The very instant Anya appeared before me, I feared the end of my dream state when reality brought me back inside of it to seemingly die alone, when she left.
When we finally arrived at our safe haven, she came into my arms, and we kissed each other as if it was the first time. When what seemed like ten seconds, but when in reality was ten minutes passed, she pulled away and began to speak.
¡°I was just at the skate park with Andrew and all I could think about while I watched him was ¡°I hope he doesn¡¯t get hurt so I can see Landyn.¡±¡± she said.
¡°I¡¯m grateful he didn¡¯t get hurt.¡± I said as I kissed her lightly. ¡°How long were you and Andrew at the skate park?¡±
¡°I was there for about an hour.¡± she said.
¡°And Andrew?¡± I asked.
¡°Oh, he¡¯s still there.¡± she said.
¡°He¡¯s still there?¡±
¡°Yes, babe.¡±
¡°Are you sure he¡¯ll be okay by himself?¡± I asked. ¡°I love seeing you but I didn¡¯t want you to feel obligated to leave Andrew behind.¡±
¡°Oh, he¡¯s fine babe.¡± she said.
¡°Are you sure?¡± I said. ¡°Babe, I¡¯d be bummed but I¡¯d totally understand and won¡¯t give you any grief if you needed to go back to the skate park.¡±
¡°Babe, he¡¯s fine.¡± she said. ¡°I wouldn¡¯t have left him if I didn¡¯t believe he would be okay.¡±
¡°Okay.¡± I said.
I felt bad. The last thing I wanted her to do was leave her son somewhere just to come see me. I was certain he would be fine too, but I felt responsible because it was our one year anniversary and wanted to see her. Even though it allowed me to feel safer emotionally, it came at Andrew¡¯s expense and I felt bad Anya may have felt obligated, and that was on me. I knew today was a Sunday. I knew her kids were around and I felt I shouldn¡¯t have pushed it. She saw me yesterday, and that was fair enough, but my emotions were at an all time need. Most of the times, I reacted in ways I didn¡¯t expect to react as I felt they controlled me more than I controlled them. I only wanted Anya to see me when she could; when it was safe for her to do so. It did, however, bring to light one simple truth. Nothing stopped her from loving me. She always found a way to be there when it mattered the most to us even when it was most difficult, and it made me believe she would find a way to be with me one day. Find a way to make me the promise not only I deserved, but she deserved more than anyone. She deserved happiness in this life after it was raped from her over the years. A happiness essential to her being, and I felt it would bring a light to shine upon others as well. She couldn¡¯t run away from the truth much longer. She had to meet it head on, but if she had the courage to ignore her husband when he told her he loved her, how come she lacked the courage to be honest with her kids? I felt if she had the guts to do that, she had the guts to leave as well. I didn¡¯t understand how she could tell her husband ¡°I¡¯m not in love with you¡± with no fear but could never tell him ¡°I¡¯m in love with another man¡±. Wouldn¡¯t her kids have hated her either way?
As we held hands and kissed, her cell phone began to ring. She then herself pulled away from me to look at it, and then crashed her lips back into mine as she put it back in her purse. Her cell phone tone then began to squirm around in her purse as she reached inside to hush it once more.
¡°It¡¯s my friend from Costa Mesa.¡± she told me.
¡°Oh, okay.¡± I responded shocked she didn¡¯t specify it was a ¡°girlfriend¡±.
¡°I will call them back later.¡±
I nodded my head in understanding but her ¡°friend¡± in Costa Mesa concerned me as the phone rang her again once more, as if in a panic mode. Maybe she was using the ¡°friend¡± in Costa Mesa as a decoy so she could see me? Maybe the ¡°friend¡± in Costa Mesa expected her but instead she chose to come see me? Anya created alibis when she visited so maybe this was her other option when Debbie and Carolyn weren¡¯t available? What if it was Andrew at the skate park wondering where she was and she didn¡¯t want to tell me? Maybe Costa Mesa was the only town she could come up with because I lived there? At any rate, these thoughts pressed me to not show her my disappointment when she left as I made an excuse to end her visit sooner than I wanted, in case it was Andrew.
She left me again with so many good memories as I wished we could go back to my place and stay in bed until the sun rose. The only reason I ever held back was because of the pain I felt when she left, and what her kids would think of her if she got pregnant. To be honest, it was an act of a higher power that I was able to hold back. Although having a child together would have bounded us forever, it also would have made our love wrong in my heart and eyes. If I had gotten Anya pregnant, I would have opened the entire world up to its hypocritical judgment of her, and I loved her too much as I dreamt of doing this the right way, or as right as something like this could have been done, and only in the name of love.
Later that Sunday afternoon, Anya sent me a text.
3:55 p.m.
¡°Haven¡¯t stopped thinking about you. Enjoy ur evening love. I miss u. I love u.¡±
Before she left me today, I told her I planned to read ¡°Twilight¡± to officially wind down on the second to final night of my vacation. And as I read comfortably in a candle lit room with hope in my heart and the memory of today in my mind, Anya sent me a text to check in.
6:22 p.m.
¡°Happy reading! It¡¯s getting good! Goodnight. I love you.¡±
I felt sad to see her ¡°goodnight¡± text come so early as I hoped to talk to her some more that evening, but instead of being depressed over it, I decided to be thankful for the best vacation I ever had as I got to see her several times during it even as her kids were home on Thanksgiving break, and I still got to see her again the next day.
On the first day of December, with the best month of my life now in the rear view, I reminisced about the night we met and sent some ¡°presents¡± to Anya. After she thanked me for the texts that seemed to come her way every morning now, I asked how she was doing.
ANYA: ¡°I¡¯m good. Just working away. I need to c how much I can get done before I can say I can leave today. How r u?¡±
ME: ¡°Ok, babe. Don¡¯t stress out. Just let me know. I¡¯m good.¡±
After I received her text, I felt deflated, hid it from her. I didn¡¯t want her to feel obligated, as I wanted her to want to see me; consistent with her many ¡°I miss you¡±¡¯s and ¡°I love you¡±¡¯s. I also still felt awful she left her son at the skate park to make time to see me. I felt certain Anya wouldn¡¯t have left him unless she knew he would be entirely safe, but I also didn¡¯t want to steal moments away from her with her kids. What seemed like a chore today would be greatly cherished and missed twenty years from now. I didn¡¯t want her to regret those times, especially to come and see me. Sure, we both hurt, and yes at times I felt insecure, but I loved her enough to understand things for the most part. It was hard to see someone I cared about live such a lie, if she didn¡¯t have to.
Later that afternoon, as I waited by a silent phone, I initiated contact to let her know not to feel any pressure to visit me. I even followed it with a promise not to tickle her.
If you stumble upon this narrative on Amazon, be aware that it has been stolen from Royal Road. Please report it.
ANYA: ¡°Awww babe. That made me smile. I may have to go into Irvine to pick up paperwork around 2. I¡¯m still working but I can swing by on my way down around 1 p.m.¡±
ME: ¡°I would love to see you, but I hope you¡¯re doing it because you really want to see me and not out of obligation.¡±
ANYA: ¡°Well I love u. No joke! I¡¯ll c u at 1ish?¡±
ME: ¡°1ish!!!¡±
While I waited for the clock to signal one, I read through my journals and tallied all the times she visited at me over the last year. When I finished. I calculated that this day would not only be her sixty-sixth visit but also her thirty fourth visit to my apartment, with her last apartment visit just five days ago.
An hour past one, after we showed our affection for each other, she rolled to her side and faced me. After we looked at each other for a minute with thoughts unsaid, she began to speak.
¡°What are we?¡± she asked.
¡°I¡¯m not a science expert, but I do believe we¡¯re classified as homo sapiens.¡± I said in an effort to keep the conversation light. ¡°Technically speaking.¡±
¡°Not technically, but literally¡¡± she corrected. ¡°What are we?¡±
¡°What else can we be, babe?¡± I said. ¡°But in love.¡±
¡°We can¡¯t be together.¡±
¡°Technically, we can¡¯t but I view us as being together because of all we¡¯ve shared.¡±
¡°You consider us¡together?¡± she asked incredulously.
¡°I do. As long as we share what we just shared, I feel how could we not be together? I think it would be disrespectful to view it any other way.¡± I said. ¡°I also know we can¡¯t be together, in the technical sense of the word right now, but we¡¯re together where it matters the most; in our hearts.¡±
¡°Thank you, babe.¡± she said.
¡°No need to thank me. I can¡¯t help but think how tremendously hurt we both are by the situation and even though it¡¯s not easy at all, it¡¯s easier for me to deal with because I¡¯m alone.¡± I said. ¡°I don¡¯t have to act like everything is great around anybody, but you do. My only dream in life is to be with you one day. To have the opportunity to make you truly happy and I believe it can happen better than you think. Things just have a funny way of working out and I believe there are forces in play for us to be together, forces we aren¡¯t even aware of that are out of our control.¡±
¡°How do you sense this?¡± she asked.
¡°Every time, and there have been many, you¡¯ve told me you wouldn¡¯t be able to see me, you always found a way to. Today was no exception. It was really touching and I teared up when you told me you wanted to see me around ¡°1ish¡±. You told me on Thanksgiving you wanted to see me everyday and you¡¯ve proven it to me. You know babe, my vacation was a great one only because I got to spend time with you three out of the seven days. Every time you come visit me, whether it be at my place or to meet for tea, it gives me hope one day you¡¯ll find a way to be with me too. I know you¡¯ve told me you can¡¯t promise me right now, but your actions and your words give me hope. I also hope you know how I feel about your ¡°situation¡±, but I don¡¯t want you to think I¡¯m here in support of your marriage. It¡¯s an abusive one, and I wouldn¡¯t have made the choice to be in your life if I felt I¡¯d take you away from even an okay marriage, and I¡¯d even implore you to stay for the sake of the kids but knowing all I know through all you¡¯ve shared with me, I don¡¯t feel you should stay. If it hadn¡¯t led you to me, to fall in love without even looking for it, and to share all we¡¯ve shared, I would tell you to stay for the sake of Andrew and Katie. Mothers that do stay for the sake of the kids, at the very least, still love and respect their husbands, and aren¡¯t in relationships with other people for over a year. I feel you¡¯re the only mother here making a real sacrifice because you have true love, and they don¡¯t. They aren¡¯t really sacrificing anything.¡±
¡°I understand.¡± she said as she appeared before me lost in a sense of awe. ¡°I love you so much.¡±
¡°I know you do.¡± I said as I kissed her forehead. ¡°Just please consider what I just said.¡±
¡°I will, babe.¡± she said.
¡°I have to be honest about something though.¡± I said.
¡°What is it?¡±
¡°It¡¯s something I¡¯ve considered over my vacation.¡± I said. ¡°But I have to admit I¡¯m having a really hard time going back into work after we see each other. I can¡¯t seem to concentrate or even focus. I don¡¯t think I can see you any more on my lunch breaks. My job is a mental one, and if I lose it, I¡¯m going to lose you too because there¡¯s no way I¡¯m going to ask you to leave if I don¡¯t have the means to support you.¡±
¡°Okay¡I understand.¡±
¡°It¡¯s not because I don¡¯t want to see you, it¡¯s because I want to be with you and without this job my dream will never come true. I love you.¡±
¡°I love you too.¡± she said. ¡°I love talking to you like this.¡±
¡°Like what babe?¡± I asked.
¡°I just love talking to you like this.¡±sShe said as her eyes disappeared into mine. ¡°When we¡¯re really close and our lips are barely touching. I¡¯ve never done this before with anyone.¡±
¡°We would be like this all the time if we were together.¡± I said. ¡°I imagine our nights being like this, having you in my arms, getting ready to fall asleep, whispering to each other not quite ready to let go of the night.¡±
¡°That¡¯s exactly how we¡¯d be.¡±
¡°I don¡¯t think I could ever really fall asleep before you did.¡± I said ¡°I¡¯d have to make sure you were sleeping before I would feel right about it.¡±
Anya then leaned in to kiss me as her eyes moistened.
¡°Do you know you¡¯re the sweetest man alive?¡±
¡°I¡¯m just telling you the truth, babe. I¡¯d want to make sure you¡¯re sleeping well. I¡¯d even watch you sleep because there¡¯s peace in it for me. To know you feel safe with me. That you trust me enough to fade into darkness.¡±
¡°That makes me chuckle, babe.¡± she started to giggle. ¡°You must love me!¡±
¡°Is that your chuckle?¡± I teased her. ¡°because it sounds awfully like a giggle to me.¡±
¡°It just makes me laugh.¡± she said as she tried to stop her giggle without success.
¡°Well, it¡¯s no laughing matter, Giggles! I would. I¡¯m crazy about you. I just wouldn¡¯t want anything to happen to you under my watch. What happens to you, happens to me too.¡±
¡°We¡¯re one babe. That¡¯s why you feel that way.¡± she stated. ¡°I love looking at you too, but I do love my sleep.¡±
¡°So much for my ability to dazzle you!¡±
¡°No! You do babe! But your dazzle power starts to fade when I¡¯m about to!¡±
¡°Okay, I¡¯ll let you sleep then.¡± I said. ¡°And ff you felt the same way I did anyway, neither one of us would be functional the next day!¡±
¡°It seems though you¡¯d give more than I would, doesn¡¯t it?¡± she said. ¡°For instance, I¡¯m good with only a wooden leg or two. I¡¯d rather sleep than stay awake to watch you sleep, and I couldn¡¯t take a bullet. Ouch! Is that fair?¡±
I leaned in to kiss her and dove into her soft weak crystal dark eyes.
¡°I think I should give more. A real man would.¡± I stated. ¡°I¡¯ve never felt more love from someone than from you, and they had the freedom to love me anytime they wanted to. All because you wouldn¡¯t do certain things doesn¡¯t mean you love me any less than I love you. I am just going with my strength and male instincts here. It¡¯s the way I love you because that¡¯s who I am. I¡¯m like the male cape buffalo who stares down and the predatory lion who is looking to make a meal of me and my family. And you did tell me one time I could throw in a hook, and even if that¡¯s off the table now, to take me with a wooden leg, let alone two of them, is pretty substantial don¡¯t you think? If you took a bullet for me I¡¯d never forgive you for it and I doubt there¡¯s a woman alive who wants to watch a man snore! You have extended your love for me in ways I can¡¯t, such as you would cook for me. You¡¯re not giving yourself enough credit babe.¡±
¡°I would cook for you all the time if I could! Would be my pleasure!¡± she exclaimed/ ¡°Watch a man ¡°snore¡±? Too funny! No, I don¡¯t want to do that!¡±
As she left my place on this day, an overall jovial visit, after our heartfelt and light lip to lip conversation, I regretted telling her of my inability to see her during my lunch hour, but if I lost my career, I lost her. I felt it was only a matter of time before it all caught up to me as I felt more vulnerable and less focused than ever. Without really thinking it over from her angle, I put her in a bad spot because the only time she had to see me was on my lunch hour, but at the same time, at least she could focus more on work and not feel like she was behind the eight ball like I did. I felt it benefited both of us.
After her 34th visit to my place, Anya texted me.
ANYA: ¡°Just leaving Irvine. How r u?¡±
ME: ¡°I¡¯m ok. How r u?¡±
ANYA: ¡°Missing u.¡±
ME: ¡°I¡¯m missing u too. R you feeling sad right now?¡±
ANYA: ¡°Yes babe.¡±
ME: ¡°I know how you feel.¡±
ANYA: ¡°I¡¯m going to be positive and not be sad. I¡¯m thankful we saw each other.¡±
ME: ¡°Me too. You looked so beautiful today. Sorry to sound like a broken record but it¡¯s true. I don¡¯t know what other word to use. It¡¯s the only one that comes to mind.¡±
ANYA: ¡°Oh trust me I¡¯m good w/that! Though I still blush I love it! To think you¡¯ve never used that word before? You¡¯re a pro!¡±
ME: ¡°I never have! It¡¯s a natural word around you. I only sound like a ¡°pro¡± because you make it an easy observation to make. Whenever I see or hear the word now I see your face.¡±
ANYA: ¡°Awww thank u babe.¡±
ME: ¡°You¡¯re exceptionally beautiful, babe.¡±
ANYA: ¡°Ok u have to stop now. I¡¯m really blushing. You¡¯re the cutest in my eyes babe.¡±
After a day full of love and beauty, I didn¡¯t hear from her for the rest of the evening as my vacation came to a glorious conclusion. A year ago, I would have been ready to go back, but I knew I only returned to more heartache as I would now see her less. I dreaded the month of December because I remembered how last year I barely saw her and had to wait three weeks to see her again. I hoped Anya understood we were closer now, and it would be harder on me if she treated this holiday season like the last one. I understood her kids were the priority, they had to be, but if she treated this year like last year, without the acknowledgement we were much closer now, it would devastate me enough to pressure her. Before I went to bed, I sent her texts as I reminisced about the time we met at the movies when she handed me a pink sticky note with a heart she drew on it as I sat apart from her in the theater. In my texts, I told her what page I was on and that I used the sticky note as a bookmark for ¡°Twilight¡± and she responded at five the next morning.
ANYA: ¡°Wow! Only 122 pages left! Good 4 u! Can¡¯t believe you still have that sticky note! On my way to the gym. Nite!¡±
After all we shared yesterday, I felt her response deserved more from her as it contained an obligatory feel. It even stoked the flame of fear of her possible holiday season disappearance. In a desperate need to kill this flame of fear, I texted her back to ask her if she had finished the book.
ANYA: ¡°Nope. Pg. 465. Almost there! Happy 1st day back at work babe! Have a great day! I love you.¡±
I knew it was my first day back at work, but why did she give me a ¡°send off¡± so early in the morning with her ¡°Have a great day!¡±? The fire of fear began to grow as I felt blown off, as if yesterday never happened. All because it was my first day back didn¡¯t mean I wouldn¡¯t be able to check in with her. I didn¡¯t like the way she put her busy day on me, as if my first day was the reason we wouldn¡¯t be able to text during the day. I wanted her to tell me it was her own busy day that had her wishing me to have a great day at six thirty which she just never did.
ME: ¡°You must have a buy day ahead of you giving me the send off at 6:30! I hope you¡¯re okay. Have a great day too babe. I love you.¡±
ANYA: ¡°Ha! ¡°Send off¡±? You told me you wanted to buckle down and get busy at work. You know I respect that. Didn¡¯t want to distract you later on your first day back.¡±
ME: ¡°I just meant I was trying to buckle down when I went back to work after our lunch visits. I¡¯m fine with our communication throughout the day. You¡¯re never a distraction, you¡¯re my oasis, babe.¡±
I didn¡¯t want her to spin things on me, as I felt this was about her being distracted by me, and not the other way around. If she was upset by my desire to not have lunch time visits when I had to go back to work afterwards, she took it all the wrong way. It¡¯s something I definitely didn¡¯t want, and I had no ill feelings towards her nor did I mean to hurt her. And although I never meant it to be so nor did I do it intentionally, but wasn¡¯t it exactly what she did to me when she claimed to be distracted by me and pulled away? She then revealed what I believed all along about her spin on being a distraction to me.
ANYA: ¡°I do have a busy day ahead of me since I didn¡¯t get much done yesterday. I want to get back to running so I¡¯m going to go see someone to start my rehab. No send off babe. I¡¯m here.¡±
ME: ¡°You usually talk to me in the morning for a bit before we start our day. I felt something was wrong. I had a beautiful day with you yesterday and I didn¡¯t know you didn¡¯t get much done before you came to visit me. I just didn¡¯t want you to shut down on me and wanted you to know you¡¯re never a distraction to me if you felt that way. That¡¯s not true at all. You couldn¡¯t be more wrong about anything.¡±
ANYA: ¡°I¡¯m not shutting down babe. Btw 5 a.m. till noon doesn¡¯t mean I get all those hours. I have to factor in the morning chaos of the household including Suki and getting ready for me!¡±
ME: ¡°Okay, I understand. Have a great day babe.¡±
ANYA: ¡°I don¡¯t just jump out of the shower w/my hair straight and dry and make up on. I mostly keep busy w/the kids, school, work, personal and business work. Never ends.¡±
ME: ¡°I understand.¡±
She did it in the past and passed the buck to me as being ¡°too busy¡± to talk to her, and then made it seem this was something I wanted. After a night, full of heartache and doubt spurred by the upcoming holiday season, I wanted to call her out on it. The truth was, this was about her being distracted, not me. Maybe she felt bad, and didn¡¯t want me to think she loved me less, but I didn¡¯t look at things that way. The truth was, on this morning, it felt like she blew me off and tried to make me the culprit. I needed her to respect me enough to be honest and tell me, ¡°I have a busy morning, Landyn. Talk to you later¡±, and not pin it on me, then question my love for her because she¡¯s never had someone care so much. To put me in the same place as her shitty husband and all the other men out there she was ever attracted to. I respected she had things on her plate too, but be honest about them, and don¡¯t make it seem like I¡¯m the one too busy to talk to her. At times, she told me ¡°It¡¯s hard to believe for you¡¯re for real.¡± Well, couldn¡¯t I feel the same way about her at times? I wanted her to understand I felt the same way she did about things, but I certainly was a distraction to her, and not the other way around, so how was that my fault? She allowed and encouraged my feelings to grow for her, and I loved her. Why would she punish me whenever I embraced them? At the end of the day, I missed her and the fire of fear would only grow out of control if she did this during the holiday season and discounted how close we became.
Later that afternoon, she reached out to me.
ANYA: ¡°Don¡¯t mean to be a distraction but today is the 2nd. Hope ur day is going well and you¡¯re back in full swing! I¡¯m juggling, have a million pieces of stickies around me!¡±
Eighteen months, a year and a half since I first laid eyes on her had come and gone yet even with the discomfort I felt earlier, we never felt cozier with each other. When I thought it could never feel better, November came and December rolled in, a perfect storm that created the most blessed time of my life. As much as I languished over a promise, her love kept me at bay every time I felt her show it as I was relieved to hear from her as her text brought the rain needed to put out the fire of fear I felt all day.
Later that evening Anya asked if I would call her, and I did.
¡°Babe, I¡¯m still shocked to hear you¡¯ve checked me out before.¡± she said.
¡°Why does that surprise you?¡± I asked.
¡°It¡¯s just¡it¡¯s just I¡¯ve never seen you look at anything but my face!¡±
¡°Well, maybe you should pay attention more!¡± I teased. ¡°I¡¯m surprised that you thought I never did.¡±
¡°Well, I¡¯m used to guys looking me up and down and comment.¡± she said. ¡°That¡¯s what I¡¯m used to being around.¡±
¡°Well, I hate to inform you, but I¡¯m not your husband.¡± I said half joking. ¡°I¡¯m not that way babe. Never have been. Never will be. I guess I¡¯m tactful when I check women out. It¡¯s probably because I¡¯m close to my mother more than my father, although my Dad would never do that anyway. It¡¯s just not me to look a girl up and down.¡±
¡°Just not used to it.¡± she said.
¡°I¡¯d rather have a girl show interest in me before I show interest in them. I don¡¯t think I¡¯m special or anything, but I think it makes me a little mysterious. I¡¯m not starved or desperate for their attention. I just don¡¯t give it to them. It makes them think I don¡¯t care, but the truth is I do. My past though won¡¯t let me feel confident enough to believe a woman is interested in me so I sit back and most of the time, they approach me to see what my deal is. Now more than ever because I could really care less with you in my life.¡±
¡°What about women who put on weight? Would you ever say something to them? Does it bother you?¡±
¡°I mean, I wouldn¡¯t want her to get too comfortable, take me for granted and turn into a disgusting slob, but I wouldn¡¯t let normal weight gain bother me. I love and respect someone for who they are and if they gained 20 pounds and I didn¡¯t care for it, I would never tell them ¡°You look fat¡± or anything derogatory. I might say ¡°I¡¯m worried about your health¡± if there was a significant weight gain, but it also depends on the circumstances, like a pregnancy or injury. But if a woman gained weight in a marriage it¡¯s probably because she made sacrifices for her family and through her pregnancy. I may hurt my back on the job and not be able to work out anymore. Would I want my significant other to judge me if I gained weight because of it? When those vows are said ¡°through sickness and health¡± and ¡°honor and cherish¡±, these are those times the vows referred to¡± I said. ¡°So, how much weight are you planning to add during the holidays? Jabba the Hutt had a hard life, babe. He didn¡¯t have it as easy as it seemed.¡±
¡°Jabba the Hutt? Babe! That¡¯s not why I asked the question!¡±
¡°Just teasing you.¡± I said. ¡°Please don¡¯t get too big. At least to the point I¡¯d have to roll you out of a coffee shop or I would have to buy a diesel truck to visit Cascade Park.¡±
¡°Babe! Stop it!¡±
¡°Alright Alright!¡± I said. ¡°You know those trucks only hold a couple of tons though, right?¡±
¡°That¡¯s it! I¡¯m hanging up!¡±
¡°Babe, if you gained weight, I¡¯d still check you out. How¡¯s that?¡±
¡°Awww¡babe.¡±
¡°I wouldn¡¯t want someone who got fat out of complacency and laziness. When a couple starts taking each other for granted, I think that kills marriages and relationships too.¡± I said. ¡°And who knows? Maybe, a woman gained weight because her feelings changed for me and she wanted me to let her go? That¡¯s the only problem I might have with a weight gain. Sometimes, it doesn¡¯t send a good message but I don¡¯t think putting someone down for it is right either. I don¡¯t need a woman to be a perfect physical specimen. My ex-girlfriend, the one who left me, she was a little on the heavy side, but I was really attracted to her. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder and sometimes the extra weight is in all the right places. What I¡¯ve learned is that a lot of the pretty girls are the worst people. I don¡¯t have the time for a prima donna who relies on her looks gets her places when she¡¯s the ugliest person on the inside. I prefer a good combination of both because if she¡¯s ugly on the inside, she¡¯s not as pretty as she looks. Why waste my time checking her out when I wouldn¡¯t want anything to do with her anyway because of who she is?¡±
¡°Thanks for sharing, babe.¡± she said. ¡°I love you.¡±
¡°I love you, too.¡±
¡°I still don¡¯t know babe.¡± she said. ¡°I still don¡¯t know.¡±
¡°I understand.¡± I said in complete denial of how I felt.
¡°I hope so.¡± she responded.
¡°I do.¡± I said again only to reassure her and my denial.
We laughed so much during the conversation, I forgot all about how I felt earlier, and when it ended, I couldn¡¯t help but think how Anya married a man, who for the most part, when he checked her up and down, she found it to be a compliment. Jackson, at thirty, and Anya at only nineteen, seemed a logical summation to make that she was drawn to that kind of behavior from men as it validated her. That male behavior, especially if a woman didn¡¯t know the man, was a mental rape and borderline harassment simply because it was usually unwanted, unprovoked and disrespectful in its nature. But would Anya know by now if I had treated her the same? Checked her up and down like a Neanderthal? Although I preferred the gentleman route, I faced the reality it yielded less results than being classless did. Anya proved women responded to it, and Jackson even got her which made me sick to my stomach to think more guys like myself were left out to feel they had nothing to offer a woman, all because they didn¡¯t ¡°check them out¡±. Even if I could get any woman I wanted, the last thing I¡¯d do is be disrespectful.
Her question led me to believe she attempted to justify Jackson¡¯s behavior as normal, and it weighed me down. Did she believe men generally didn¡¯t like women who put on weight so who could blame men when they cheated? Anya thought a loyal man was unique as I believed she didn¡¯t want to admit not only did she make a mistake by marrying Jackson, but by also staying so she justified his behavior. I¡¯m certain she never regretted having children with him, both Katie and Andrew were exceptional, but she tried to justify his behavior as normal, and it was anything but, as my existence in her life represented the cold dark truth she didn¡¯t want to face. Anya was not nineteen anymore, the years had changed her into a mature independent thinking woman, and my place in her life spoke loud and clear that she married the wrong man; one that held back her growth and her healing. Staying with Jackson, at this point, was an unhealthy mental decision that had long term ramifications. As much as Anya tried to treat me like the disease at times, did she also believe people should feel guilty for beating Cancer?
Later that evening, Anya sent me a text inspired by the way I set up my room with candles the last time she visited.
ANYA: ¡°Btw I loved the candles. I light a candle everyday. When I¡¯m home working I turn on music and light a candle. I go thru them so quickly. Goodnight again.¡±
I usually set them up around my room when she visited, but I placed them closer to my bed the last time she visited me. I probably lit one candle in my lifetime before I met her.
Overall, the day turned out to be much better than when it began, and the next day started off well as I asked if she found it weird when she thought I didn¡¯t check her out.
ANYA: ¡°Yea I thought that was strange. I mean I know you¡¯re not like most and u love me for who I am, but I thought you¡¯d at least check me out.¡±
ME: ¡°That wouldn¡¯t mean I couldn¡¯t love you any less. You told me you didn¡¯t know the details of my body yet you still loved me because you knew who I was. You¡¯ve never checked me out yet that didn¡¯t stop you from loving me.¡±
ANYA: ¡°Well I have from the waist up cuz that¡¯s my thing.¡±
ME: ¡°Good to know! Now I know what to work on at the gym.¡±
ANYA: ¡°I love u. Gtg. Kids.¡±
After this brief exchange, the train rolled off the tracks in my mind when I didn¡¯t hear back from her for the remainder of the day. After all we shared, how could she still build the Caiaphas brand during the holidays? I couldn¡¯t give her any grief, but I didn¡¯t want her to treat us like last year at this time. My feelings had grown, we¡¯ve shared so much, and things were vastly different than last year as I feared she would discount my role in her life. I didn¡¯t choose to be a part of her life so she could continue to live it the same way. I wanted her to pull the plug on her ¡°situation¡± as I refused to be its life support. Her marriage was a complete sham, a monstrous lie, and at times I felt punished more than the one who cheated on her several times. How could she still parade around in social circles as Mrs. Caiaphas without blinking an eye? Mothers who sacrificed their happiness for the sake of their children only sacrificed their own, not someone else¡¯s along with it. It was no longer a lone sacrifice mothers who stayed for the kids made. Her sacrifice was much more than the others made before her. How could she allow and encourage someone¡¯s feelings to grow for her and not be with the person after an entire year? If she was this busy with life, how could she possibly find the time to miss me and need me? At times like this, I couldn¡¯t understand her situation when she hid behind the unknown variable, this black hole that sucked me in I couldn¡¯t see that killed the light inside of me. How much longer could I take and not lose control of my emotions? Why did it seem she denied me my own feelings? When we were together, I felt stronger, but now when we were apart, and she did anything I perceived to be with or for Jackson, I wondered far past the stars and into the void and utter silence.
The next morning, I reached out to her in fear I wouldn¡¯t hear from her once again throughout the day as I could feel my emotions swell inside that only positioned me to feel and to say the wrong thing.
ANYA: ¡°Not too bad. Going to work at home after KB. Working on applying for high schools. Katie has to write essays for them. I might head out to Bloomingdale¡¯s for a bit.¡±
When she mentioned she ¡°might head out to Bloomingdale¡¯s for a bit¡±, I hung on to that ¡°might¡± for dear life as the only one was at the mall near my home. I suddenly felt bad for my negative thoughts as she seemed really busy with Katie, and with the safety her text provided helped me, I was able to focus on work to catch up after a week¡¯s vacation.
Bu late afternoon, I hadn¡¯t heard from Anya since the morning, and combined with the silence from the prior day, the negative thoughts began a landslide in my mind. We¡¯ve become closer than ever, and I just couldn¡¯t believe, she could disappear on me this way. As I tried to focus on my work, I eventually gave in, and decided to go downstairs to be alone in my car to think my life through. When she told me she still didn¡¯t know, after all we shared the last month, I couldn¡¯t help but wonder if she would ever know as I began to have a harder time understanding why she still shared a bed with Jackson; a man she told me so many horrible things about that she knew was the reason why I chose to trust her. How could she still choose to be intimate with him after all I¡¯ve done for and shared with her? I just didn¡¯t get it as I tolerated it only because I trusted her love for me. But I also trusted she was too much of an honest person to do anything with him after a year together. How could she still climb in bed with him after all we shared? How could she sleep next to any other man after all we shared? Why couldn¡¯t she make an excuse to go sleep in another room? She told me she never kissed him and never returned his ¡°I love you¡±¡¯s. Why would she still then partake in the most intimate of acts with him? This must be a reason why he¡¯d fight for her; her intimacy with him would lead him to believe she still loved him. The closer we became over the last month, the harder time I had understanding her sleeping arrangement. If she could stay and she didn¡¯t know, then she also had no problem sharing a bed with Jackson for the rest of her life, and that killed me inside. It absolutely destroyed me when I thought of it that way, something I couldn¡¯t deny was true. My heart desperately wanted to believe it was for the kids, but my mind waved its finger at me and shook its head. Later that afternoon, after my negativity got the best of me once again, I texted Anya to see how her day was shaping.
ANYA: ¡°Day is going well. Yes, made it to Bloomingdale¡¯s. Met Debbie for a glass at Arnold Palmer.¡±
ME: ¡°Are you doing okay, babe?¡±
ANYA: ¡°Why do you ask?¡±
ME: ¡°You went for a spill with Debbie on a Thursday afternoon, and you usually don¡¯t do that. I was just wondering if maybe you had something on your mind.¡±
ANYA: ¡°I¡¯m fine. I miss u. How¡¯s your day going?¡±
ME: ¡°I miss you too. After gratefully seeing you 4 times last week on my vacation, I¡¯m having a hard time adjusting to not seeing you at all this week.¡±
ANYA: ¡°I know babe. I¡¯m having a hard time.¡±
ME: ¡°I just want you to know I¡¯m always here for you. Just know you¡¯re always on my mind so you¡¯re with me some way. If worse comes to worse, at least we have ¡°Twilight¡±.¡±
ANYA: ¡°Thank u. Let¡¯s finish the book tonight. You¡¯ll be in my thoughts. Goodnight. I miss u, I love u.¡±
ME: ¡°Sounds like a plan. Have a goodnight, babe. I miss u. I love u.¡±
When she wished me a ¡°goodnight¡± at around four in the afternoon, it crushed me but at least I could find some refuge that she would be able to read tonight which meant no parading around as Mrs. Jackson Caiaphas on this night.
Since I felt certain I wouldn¡¯t hear from Anya, I decided to hit the gym after work. After my workout at around ten, I reached for my phone in my car¡¯s center console, and noticed its red light flashing.
ANYA: ¡°Really missing u to death.¡±
Even though I received texts from her often, I didn¡¯t expect to see one from her, let alone read one that moved me. How could I question her reasons for bring me so close? What I read were her real feelings; something I desperately needed to see from her as it felt like she disappeared on me the past couple of days. I knew the only way this missing could be cured was for us to be together, and because I loved her more than I loved life itself, I had to see the positive in my negative emotions, otherwise she would suffer. We both would.
ME: ¡°U took the words right out of my head, babe. I love you forever. You really are my soulmate.¡±
ANYA: ¡°You¡¯re my soulmate, babe.¡±
After a very hard day, her text gave me the strength to get a good night¡¯s rest; a crucial thing I didn¡¯t have the last couple of nights. I had to accept some facts in my life; I had done everything this woman asked me to do for her to leave, and not only did she still sleep in the same bed as her husband, she still doesn¡¯t know. I had to find a way to do one of two things, see a psychiatrist to see if I could get on some medication rather than using my mother¡¯s Vicodin, or I had to break up with Anya. As much as I loved her, as much as I wanted to make her happy, I could only help those who helped themselves. If she continued to make it me versus her kids, what chance did I have? If she viewed her choice of happiness would only hurt her kids instead of making her a better mother to and for them, then I only delayed the inevitable. For over a year I knew all that she still didn¡¯t. I needed to know when the holiday parties started for her and to determine if she was going to absorb herself in them as if it was like any other year; as if I never existed in her life. After all we shared over the last year, my heart wouldn¡¯t understand. If I was a luxury more than a need, then she needed me in her life just as bad as the seven dresses she returned months ago. I had to find out what her holiday plans were, what she planned to do, and then determine if I should let her go.
The next day brought more of the same as I didn¡¯t hear from her at all. That morning I was on a client engagement in Palos Verdes so before I departed back to the Irvine office, I thought I would grab lunch, but before I did, I reached out to Anya to cool my burning heart.
ME: ¡°Beautiful day but not as beautiful as you! How r u babe?¡±
ANYA: ¡°You made me blush. I missed u last night.¡±
ME: ¡°I missed you last night too. When does the crazy holiday parties start for you?¡±
ANYA: ¡°This weekend, babe. I love u, u know.¡±
When I heard the holiday parties started this weekend, basically tonight, I was upset she never mentioned them to me without asking. Not even a heads up about them. When she followed it up with an ¡°I love u, u know.¡± I almost responded with an, ¡°no, I don¡¯t¡±. She couldn¡¯t just change on people she loved so much. She had to stay consistent, and not put questions in anyone¡¯s mind. I then began to think about my first day back from vacations when I felt she ¡°sent¡± me off into the day, one I wasn¡¯t ready to be sent off into. Did I get the sendoff because she was busy planning this weekend¡¯s set of holiday parties? Just another day of ¡°business as usual¡± without acknowledgment of my place in her life, as if we never shared a thing with each other. As if the things she didn¡¯t tell me couldn¡¯t hurt me.
To love me this deeply, and to allow my feelings to grow so much, only to carry one with a life that consumed all of her time, I could only understand that it spoke volumes about her unhappiness. Did she really believe someone who loved her so much would want to feel all I did and only be able to have what little time she could give? Because of Lance, the man in her life before me, it felt this was almost premeditated in some way, as this had to be the real reason why Lance left her. As crazy as it sounded, I found a branch to hold onto as the flood of negative thoughts moved swiftly, to tell me this had to be fatigue and stress. That this was a whole lot of missing talking here as I usually proved wrong all my negative feelings sooner or later. As soon as I tried to hold on to the branch though, it broke away from its mother with her next text.
ANYA: ¡°It¡¯s going to be very tough on me. My biggest fear is that I¡¯m going to hurt you this season with all my plans coming up.¡±
Her biggest fear was that her holiday plans were going to hurt me yet it was going to be very tough on her? If that truly was her biggest fear, why would she go along with them then? If this would be very tough on Anya, how tough did she think they would truly be on me?
ME: ¡°What are the holiday plans?¡±
ANYA: ¡°They are just typical holiday plans. Nothing different from previous years. I don¡¯t want to get into it when you¡¯re at work. I don¡¯t want you to have a bad day for no reason.¡±
ME: ¡°Well, if they¡¯re just typical holiday plans, why do you fear they would hurt me? Why can¡¯t you tell me? I¡¯d like to know.¡±
ANYA: ¡°Hun they r just holiday parties, client dinners, kids¡¯ parties. One thing that is different from last year but not diff from previous years is that I¡¯m going skiing.¡±
They were just holiday parties with her husband. Just client dinners with her husband. Just kids parties with the Caiaphases, oh and with a family skiing vacation thrown in. All things she no undoubtedly planned. All things that she knew would hurt me, the man she loved, without a blink of an eye, as if I didn¡¯t exist in her life.
I needed time to process her holiday plans as they seemed to increase in scope after all we shared. How could she even make these plans as if I didn¡¯t exist in her life at all? As if my feelings didn¡¯t even matter? I couldn¡¯t believe what I read. How could she throw in a ski trip as well? I remembered Jackson had shoulder surgery last year at this time, and that¡¯s why they were unable to go, but how could she make these plans without me in mind at all? The fact she hid it from me until I asked told me they were obviously a big deal. I guess she felt she deserved a medal for her honesty, but I shouldn¡¯t have had to ask at all if she were truly honest. Although I was greatly hurt by her plans, I decided to take a deep breath instead and process it. As my emotions flooded me, I couldn¡¯t respond to it. I had to let my thoughts about her plans simmer on the stove as I tried to turn down the heat so I wouldn¡¯t get stung by the grease that scalded my skin.
ANYA: ¡°Please don¡¯t get mad or upset. It¡¯s that time of year and the kids love to ski.¡±
Her request left me to wonder how she would have felt if the roles were reversed. Yes, I was hurt, but how could she expect this to not upset me in anyway? Why not ask me to not be disappointed instead of mad or upset? Why did she make that assumption? Was it made possibly because she understood I should be? Then there was also the great sentimental wedge she always put between us; me versus the kids. As if me being ¡°mad¡± or ¡°upset¡± was the same as telling her I didn¡¯t want them to go skiing.
Not only could I not respond to her texts, but I could not eat as well. The fact she would tell me she feared I would be hurt by her holiday plans, yet made them regardless without any scale back in acknowledgement of all we shared during the year, left me to feel the reason she didn¡¯t know was because she wasn¡¯t truly in love with me as I could no longer allow her to deny me my emotions as I feared what I could no longer hold back would end us.
CHAPTER 25 ~ IN LOVE AND FEAR
¡°I believe that every single event in life that happens is an opportunity to choose love over fear.¡±
~ Oprah Winfrey
ANYA: ¡°Are you upset? I hate upsetting you.¡±
I hated to go silent on her, but after all we shared over the last year I couldn¡¯t believe she committed to even more holiday p lans. How could she look her husband in the eye after all we¡¯ve shared and go along with them in any way? I tried to put things in proper perspective; I wouldn¡¯t have wanted her to change her plans for me. I wouldn¡¯t want her to ¡°shake up¡± her kids during the holidays. But to not scale her plans back at all told me a harsh truth I wasn¡¯t willing yet to accept, she had possibly already made up her mind about us. These plans were made with an act of knowing with some will of certainty simply because I felt betrayed by them. How could she ever betray me? The only man who wanted the best for her? The only man who truly cared and loved her? If she could betray me, then love could never exist for me as it felt my entire life imploded before me, and nothing I felt, all these emotions, didn¡¯t mean a single thing to her.
I couldn¡¯t respond at this time as I said more in silence than I did, or could, in words as I morphed into an emotional wreck inside. I felt this was another one of those things she should have told me about without me having to ask which held stronger the belief she knew what she did to me was wrong.
ANYA: ¡°Damn it! U asked me and I was being honest. Would you rather that I lie? I hurt you and I ruined your day. I¡¯m sorry. I hate this Landyn.¡±
I appreciated her ¡°honesty¡±, but honesty was also something one shouldn¡¯t have to ask about. I felt the escalation of her holiday plans this year should have taken into heavy consideration my existence in her life, and the reason for my role in it. Instead she took no responsibility, nor even a sincere act of consideration into how making these plans would affect me as she claimed she hated to hurt me, yet she made the plans anyway. And what plans were on the horizon for next year I didn¡¯t know about, too? I had to prompt honesty from her by asking about things she hid from me? I felt betrayed, so I sought more more of her version of ¡°honesty¡± because I was ready to end us as I felt she left me no choice.
ME: ¡°What¡¯s going on with you and your husband? Is another trip to Europe already planned for next year too? How is that for the sake of the kids? The thought of you doing things with him after all we¡¯ve shared disgusts me after all you¡¯ve made me aware of about him.¡±
Anya needed a dose of real honesty; how her plans made me feel and how they filled me with fear there was more I didn¡¯t know. Yet, the one who loved me never saw my fear, but rather her own.
ANYA: ¡°R u kidding me? Why don¡¯t you just tell me to f*** off at this point.¡±
I sat on her text and thought about it before I responded. I pondered but could not escape the blatant message behind her holiday plans; that by escalating the scope of them this year after all we shared was in so many words telling me to ¡°F*** off¡± as well, and I refused to do her dirty work. Before I could respond though, she hit me below the gut.
ANYA: ¡°I¡¯ve taken the kids skiing every year since they were little. How am I supposed to explain to them I can¡¯t go skiing with them anymore? You¡¯re accusing me of lying?¡±
If she took her kids skiing every year since they were little, how would that change if she left Jackson since she was the one who took them skiing every year? The truth was, he took them skiing every year, and if she left him, she wouldn¡¯t be able to attend. Why wasn¡¯t this annual ¡°skiing event¡± though never mentioned to me at all last November, basically less than a month before it took place on a yearly basis? I couldn¡¯t accuse her of ¡°lying¡±, but how could truth by omission be an act of honesty? How could I ask about events I had no idea existed? I simply trusted her to tell me these things, so I could understand them better, or at the very least, make the best decision for myself about how to deal with them if I couldn¡¯t. I should be made aware of them and not have to ask about them in an honest relationship. I tried to hold back my emotions as I hit her pretty hard with my previous text, as she continued to respond without a further prompt from me.
ANYA: ¡°Know what I knew this was going to happen. We¡¯re BU¡¯d and I think we should keep it that way. I can¡¯t stand it a minute longer.¡±
For the first time in our relationship, I was okay with being broken up with her. If she was still sleeping and making plans with him, then we should always be ¡°BU¡¯d¡±. All intimacy between them would have to come to a complete halt if our BU status changed because that went against all she ever told me and, represented a betrayal. For the first time, I saw how Anya spun things around on its head to make it seem like she was the victim. That the plans she designed that she knew could only hurt me, hurt her more. I went back to the time she told me ¡°she could get any man she wanted.¡± Words that were completely inconsistent from the broken hearted woman she portrayed herself to be when we first met. If she carried that much esteem about herself, an ego parallel to Jackson¡¯s, why would she even want me? We were ¡°BU¡¯d¡± because Anya didn¡¯t truly want to be with me, because if she did, these plans would have never been made as I never felt more misled and betrayed by someone in my life.
ME: ¡°You can have any man you want anyway so why me.¡±
ANYA: ¡°Because you¡¯re my soulmate. That¡¯s why.¡±
ME: ¡°I don¡¯t think you lie to me, but you do protect me.¡±
ANYA: ¡°I try. Not good enough.¡±
Anya¡¯s ¡°soulmate¡± text stirred me up like a blender as it turned me from a solid into a liquid. I wanted to see things through her eyes but couldn¡¯t deny I felt too deceived to continue our relationship. Her holiday plans spoke volumes about how she felt about all we¡¯ve shared, and her plans to be with me. And if she felt she could get any man she wanted, even if she thought I was her soulmate, she didn¡¯t even care enough to fight for our love, a love I began to doubt truly existed in her heart for me, a love I felt she tried to eradicate like the Ebola virus. I didn¡¯t want nor needed her protection. I wanted the truth. Not truth by omission. She could protect Katie and Andrew that way, not me. Her protection of me only served a selfish purpose, and I wasn¡¯t her child.
ME: ¡°It¡¯s not good enough because I won¡¯t let you do it.¡±
With this final response, our text exchange about the holiday plans she made, without any real consideration for my feelings, came to an end. At its conclusion, I just felt so betrayed. I knew she had to make them, and I understood that, but to not scale them back even a tad in consideration of all we shared, told me she it didn¡¯t mean that much to her and she already knew something she had yet to communicate to me. It brought me right back to Denise, when I was left to do her dirty work based on the way she started to disrespect and treat me, and I was over with these types of self serving manipulative games played against me by the women in my life. I expected it from Denise, but never from Anya. If this was the way she treated the people who loved her, then I didn¡¯t want to hear back from her ever again; our love was never real to begin with.
After our exchange as thoughts of the greatest sense of hopelessness consumed me, I drove over the Port Gateway Bridge, as I seemed to experience a harrowing out of body experience on the mile long trek, For the first time ever as I reached its peak; I began to study it, meticulously, intently. I noticed its cables and gaps to search for weaknesses in the middle of my own. I then realized how the bridge invited me to its highest tower, how it provided balance and even support, like the hand of God, to lead me to its highest point and on its tallest tower. How could this be? How could the love I found in Anya, the greatest happiness I had ever known only lead me to seek a way to reach the top of the bridge so I could end my life? As much as I contemplated suicide, it still was a thought I never took seriously enough until now. How could she pit the love I had shown her against her children? How could all the sacrifices I made for her based on her wishes, after all we shared, be up against the happiness of her children? How could she have allowed me to feel so much for her, for nothing? To ask me to fight for her only to face a battle she knew I¡¯d one day lose? If her love betrayed me, what choice did I have? I''d never be able to love this way again, and now that I knew this was how the good times should feel, I feared to spend most of the of my remaining life in wait for something I knew only came around once in a lifetime. The man who existed before I met Anya, existed no more; a ghost. The man oblivious to this kind of love, with no memory of such, could not be reached like a detached astronaut overtaken by the laws of gravity, whose fate lied in hands other than his own. Did the universe I trusted to lead me to breath only lead me to death? Was my fate not of love, but rather self destruction in my pursuit and belief of it? I began to believe things, even those which appeared to be strongly in my favor, were never meant for me, but for the benefit of others, so Anya could find solace in her marriage again, and possibly the Universe used me as a servant to do its bidding, one I surely didn¡¯t believe in doing, as if I asked for this outcome by being a loving and caring person. If this was the plan for me, I lost all trust and faith in anything but hell, as once again He failed to sell me on heaven more than He ever did before. Was my purpose on Earth to suffer so others wouldn¡¯t have to? Was intolerable suffering my reward for loving someone? The more these thoughts consumed me, the more I began to believe my fate waited for me three hundred and sixty five feet above the earth. That my demise was my destiny.
When I returned to the office, all I could do was stare off beyond space. I understood the kids ¡°loved to ski¡± and I respected the importance of that for them to not have it changed, but why would she think they would stop skiing if she left Jackson? What control did he exert over her that led her to believe they would hate her so much if she left him? What perplexed me the most was how come she built him up as the greatest man that ever walked the face of the earth to everyone around her if she couldn¡¯t return his ¡°I love you¡±¡¯s and refused to kiss him? Anya certainly knew ¡°the kids love to ski¡± the night she approached me at Sonomas, the night we reconnected so close to ski season last year, and all the times she made plans to visit me. Something had to have changed as her feelings felt no longer on par with mine. I could implore her to listen to herself all day long, but at the end of it, she still didn¡¯t know if she could leave. After all we shared how could she possibly stay? Did she not have a conscience? Was this just payback? I didn¡¯t feel betrayed by her holiday plans or even the skiing trip, it was the fact she still made them without an ounce of consideration of my role in her life, as if we had just met. There was absolutely no acknowledgement I was a part of her life. How did she think I would feel when I found out? When the plans were being made with Jackson, how could she look him in the eye, even after two confrontations, and go completely along with all of them, even adding to it? I knew she had to go through most of the holiday plans to not disrupt things for her kids during the holiday season, and I didn¡¯t want Jackson to divorce her during this time, but how could she escalate her holiday schedule? How could she make Jackson feel safe? I could no longer deny the toll and the increased sensitivity I felt regarding the things she did for her marriage, as they blurred the fine line between things she did for her marriage, and things she did for her kids.
I told Anya, when we first met, that anyone who cheated on someone didn¡¯t truly love them because if they did, they never dared to risk losing them by cheating. Now I had to practice what I preached as I felt betrayed by Anya¡¯s holiday plans. How could she ever hurt me, and she knew she did because she told me it was her biggest fear, if she truly loved me? I never wanted to be loved by her in only a ¡°friend¡± sense. I didn¡¯t get involved in support of her marriage, and any love for me solely as her buddy. I felt she did cheat on me in some way as she appeared to choose her marriage and Jackson over me because of what it provided to the kids, and I deserved to know this from day one, and not have to ask about it to inspire her definition of honesty. Her truth by omission was not an act of honesty, but rather one of an artful manipulation. You don¡¯t allow someone¡¯s feelings to grow for you, especially when you know that person walked away because of that fear, then break up with them. Anya claimed to be honest with me from the beginning, but she wasn¡¯t because I shouldn¡¯t have had to learn a year into our relationship that the kids loved to ski let alone ever hear from her ¡°how am I supposed to tell them I can¡¯t go skiing with them anymore¡±? How could she allow someone to feel so deeply for her and hit them with that? I didn¡¯t support her marriage because of the horrific gross acts of infidelities she purposely made me aware of so why is she putting the onus on me to feel bad if I asked her to do the right thing to promise to leave Jackson? When mothers made sacrifices for their kids, it was usually a lone sacrifice of happiness, and not the sacrifice of someone else¡¯s happiness as well. How could any woman who loved me pit me against her kids after she shared every detail of their lives with me? Even after she invited me to her daughter¡¯s recital? What was my role in Anya¡¯s life? If this was me versus the kids, and it clearly was, then our relationship was already over.
I refused to text Anya, and if she chose to never text me again, at this very moment anyway, I was fine, but she did.
ANYA: ¡°R u ok?¡±
After I crossed the bridge, I pulled over to text her back.
ME: ¡°I don¡¯t know. How r u?¡±
ANYA: ¡°Not sure. I¡¯m sneaking out from the party tonight to meet C&D at Ahi¡¯s in HB or SB. Wherever it is.¡±
ME: ¡°Ok. Have a good time.¡±
I felt less tense to learn she planned to sneak out of one of the planned holiday parties as it helped me to understand better why she planned it in the first place if she was able to get away to possibly see me. An hour later, she texted me again to keep me informed.
ANYA: ¡°I will be at Ahi¡¯s.¡±
When she told me the second time, I began to sense it was her way of wanting to see if I could meet her there. I then asked her if I could talk to her for a bit as I really wanted an opportunity to ask her face to face if our relationship was about me versus her kids before I threw it all away.
ANYA: ¡°Don¡¯t mind but can¡¯t promise anything. I¡¯m a wreck.¡±
ME: ¡°I¡¯m sorry. More of a reason for me to take a chance then and head over to see you. I¡¯m a wreck too.¡±
A half hour later, I walked inside Ahi¡¯s with my eyes in search of the woman who held my heart. When I saw her there, sandwiched between both Debbie and Carolyn, I seemed to suffer the same out of body experience I did earlier. For the first time, I approached them in dread, a twisted knot inside my stomach, or maybe it was my heart, that brought back memories to the time I met them at RJ¡¯s. A time full of hope, unlike now. I tasted anxiety when I perceived how they would respond to me if Anya had shared my apprehension with them about her holiday plans. As I saw Anya though, as a musician strung softly upon the strings of his acoustic guitar, it felt like all other sounds other than that instrument were drowned out as a sense of peace and calm suddenly washed over me, a wave of relief. I said hello to both Debbie and Carolyn as they both smiled and returned my nod. Anya then turned to them.
¡°I¡¯ll be back in ten minutes.¡± she said to them.
I reassured she would rejoin them in that time, and then followed Anya out of the bar, as I watched the male patrons in our path check her out as we left. Outside the bar, we walked in silence, side by side, under an observant moon, and down a quiet private alley as we stopped in front of a faded white parked boat about eight yards away from where we first exited. In pain, I looked into her eyes as she drew herself into mine as I became a witness to the distress and beauty in them.
¡°I¡¯ve been dreading telling you about my holiday plans for a while.¡± she said. ¡°Andrew came up to me and asked if we could go skiing.¡±
Upon receipt of this knowledge, I felt nauseous as the tone in her voice alone told me the anxiety she felt when she made these plans without my knowledge, a worry too genuine and heartfelt to not inspire a tone of sadness.
¡°I don¡¯t want you to dread telling me these things, especially if your kids aided in making them a reality.¡± I said. ¡°It¡¯s just the fact you didn¡¯t tell me this that caught me by surprise. For the most part, I¡¯ve been understanding. Right? Have I ever not tried to understand?¡±
¡°You¡¯re right, babe.¡± she said. ¡°I should have told you earlier, but I didn¡¯t know how to bring it up.¡±
¡°Just bring it up.¡± I said not to scold, but to ease. ¡°Just bring it up. I¡¯m going to try and understand because I love you too much not to. When things catch me by total surprise, I get lost in my own emotions, and I think the worst. It¡¯s a learned behavior from my failed relationships.¡±
¡°I don¡¯t know what I¡¯m doing.¡± She broke away off script. ¡°I¡¯m confused.¡±
I didn¡¯t know how to respond. How could she be confused after all we¡¯ve shared? How could she bring us both this far to bathe in the waters of a possible mistake? If she believed us to be a mistake, after all we¡¯ve shared, I needed to know.
¡°You know babe, I have to be honest with you, but if you¡¯re seeing this as ¡°me versus the kids¡±, then that¡¯s a battle I can¡¯t win.¡± I stated in exasperation. ¡°We¡¯re through. We¡¯re done.¡±
¡°That¡¯s so unfair.¡± She hit back.
¡°How is that unfair?¡±
¡°Because there¡¯s more factors than that.¡±
¡°More factors?¡±
¡°Yes.¡±
¡°For instance?¡±
¡°I have to consider their security and well being too, Landyn.¡±
Fear filled me as her words singed as it made me feel like I didn¡¯t care about either of those things. As if we just jumped into this without five months in between us. How could she suddenly be confused? Was there now something else I didn¡¯t know beyond the skiing trip?
¡°I agree but don¡¯t you have to care about your own well being too, Anya. How could you be the mother you¡¯re supposed to be when you¡¯re so unhappy that you¡¯ve pursued a full blown relationship outside your marriage for over an entire year?¡± I said. ¡°How is their security going to be affected, Anya? California is a no fault state, and even your husband knows you¡¯re entitled to half. You mean to tell me that wouldn¡¯t be enough to provide security to them? What kind of security are we talking about here because I don¡¯t understand that, and your well-being is just as important as anyone¡¯s.¡±
¡°You¡¯re not a mother.¡± She stated coldly. ¡°You¡¯ll never understand.¡±
And she was right.
¡°It¡¯s not because I¡¯m not a mother, it¡¯s because of why I¡¯m in your life.¡± I responded. ¡°Not that they are in any way to you, but your kids were referred to me as ¡°baggage¡± when we met, and they were never introduced to me as something that would hold us back from being together. The reason I¡¯m in your life, and you know this is true, is because your husband cheated on you. You told me all you needed was someone to be there for you because you didn¡¯t believe anyone would accept you with your children and I¡¯ve done nothing but prove you wrong for a year now.¡±
¡°Hmm Hmm.¡± she responded as desperation filled her eyes.
¡°What is it about me that you¡¯ve become so concerned about their security and well-being?¡± I asked. ¡°Don¡¯t you think I want the same things for them? That me being in your life, that by me fighting for you, something you asked of me, is somehow also wanting your kids to feel insecure and to have their well being negatively affected?¡±
¡°Mothers make sacrifices for their kids, Landyn. That¡¯s what we do.¡±
¡°But this isn¡¯t a lone sacrifice anymore, Anya.¡± I corrected. ¡°Why bring me to this point and become concerned about Katie and Andrew¡¯s well being and security? How could you hit me with that after you¡¯ve brought so close that I never want to fall in love again? If there was any chance of a decision to stay for the kids after we started seeing each other, and you knew that, I could never forgive you because you would turned me from a hero to homewrecker if staying was ever an option if you fell in love with me. Out of all the men, out of all the assholes out there, even after marrying one of them, how could you say that to me? How could you pit your children against me? Against us? Why did you ask me to fight for you to only end up fighting with you?¡±
¡°I¡¯ve had my kids for thirteen years, Landyn. Thirteen years I¡¯ve known them.¡± she stated. ¡°I¡¯ve only known you for a year! Thirteen years versus one year? How does leaving for you make any sense?¡±
When Anya hit me with this, it was truly the first time I didn¡¯t feel the love in her eyes. The first time I ever felt alone since we fell.
¡°You¡¯ve only known me for a year yet four months ago you told me you wanted your ashes to be put at our beach. You essentially wanted, for the rest of your life, to be on our beach after only knowing me for eight months.¡± I countered ¡°I would always trail your kids in the ¡°knowing you¡± department. Why would you tell me you wanted your ashes to be put on our beach if one year is so insignificant to you in regards to your kids?¡±
¡°I said it because I love you.¡± she said as her voice trailed off as her soft weak eyes filled with tears and sank into mine. ¡°I love you so much.¡±
¡°Babe, if you truly love me, like you say you do.¡± I said as I tried to wipe her tears from her face with my thumbs. ¡°You need to understand I¡¯m not in your life to support your marriage. I don¡¯t believe you should stay for the sake of the kids¡period. We¡¯ve just shared too much for me to feel differently about this and I think you need to accept what I believe to be true.¡±
¡°Huh? What¡¯s that?¡± she asked meekly.
¡°That you don¡¯t need me, babe.¡± I stated, slowly shaking my head.
¡°That¡¯s not true. That¡¯s not true at all.¡± she fought.
¡°You have everything. Why do you need me?¡±
¡°I need you as part of the human being aspect.¡± she said with desperation. ¡°To feel love.¡±
¡°Don¡¯t you think though you¡¯re fine with the feeling though, and you can get that from any one?¡± I asked.
¡°What do you mean?¡±
¡°You don¡¯t need the person. All you need is the feeling.¡± I stated in hopelessness. ¡°The feeling is good enough for you¡and I need both, babe. I need the person and the feeling. A married person is okay with the feeling because they¡¯re restrained by their marriage. It¡¯s a bonus to have more than the feeling, so they are okay with falling in love for just the sake of falling in love. But there¡¯s a difference here, a huge discrepancy between our needs. I love you, Anya, and I need you¡I think I always will. But babe, you don¡¯t need me the way I need you and until that gap is bridged, then you¡¯ll always be confused. My heart cannot endure another trip to Europe with your husband. I¡¯m not built for this kind of heartache and I can¡¯t deal with the charade of your marriage to him anymore. It¡¯s too hard on me. I love you too much and it¡¯s brutal to have to share you with him, especially because of all you told me about him. I asked you, if you thought I was a bad thing for the kids. Do you remember what you told me?¡±
¡°I told you ¡°no, not at all¡±.¡± she responded.
¡°Well, if you¡¯re concerned about their security and well being. I must not be good for them.¡±
¡°You¡¯re wrong, Landyn.¡± she shot. ¡°I¡¯m strong and I have to be a role model for my kids.¡±
I looked at her and nodded my head.
¡°Okay.¡± I told her.
Before I added that ¡°real role models didn¡¯t live false lives¡±, I decided I said enough.
¡°Andrew asked babe. What was I supposed to do? Was I wrong?¡±
¡°You did the right thing. That¡¯s not in question¡± I said. ¡°I just felt the way you chose to tell me about it was wrong, but I¡¯m over it.¡±
¡°I do need you. I¡¯ve never felt this way about anyone before and I¡¯ve never loved anyone so much before. I love you.¡± she said as tears filled her eyes once again. ¡°It makes me feel sad you feel that way.¡±
¡°Listen, everything I told you tonight.¡± I paused. ¡°Is because I don¡¯t want to be right about any of it.¡±
Her lips then found peace in mine as we shared a desperate passionate kiss as we seemed to hold the fear this could be our last embrace. As she kissed me, she found breaths within our own breathlessness to tell me she loved me several times, and I caught them each time. I also knew, now more than ever, it was all she knew. Although my feelings weakened prior to our meeting in the quiet private alley, I believed once she retreated from my arms back to Carolyn and Debbie, and back into a life she willingly spent dreaming about only a feeling, I believed this was the end. As much it pained me, I had my answer. Anya preferred to remain a perceived role model rather than a true one, and to continue living a false life instead of one glorified in truth. After all we shared, after all I became to know, I could no longer support that decision in anyway, and more importantly, I could no longer wait for my heart to be crushed any further.
That night, when I got returned home to the isolation of my lonely apartments, silence held dominion over my broken mind as I never heard back from Anya, the woman who needed me more than air. For the rest of the night, I tossed and turned in my bed as I awoke agitated by the fact I had to let her go when I wanted to be with her everyday and everywhere. I couldn¡¯t believe the woman who claimed to be my soulmate could leave me to feel so alone.
When the morning came, I noticed as I gripped my pillow, my cell phone¡¯s red light pulsated as I dreaded what lied within. When I found the temerity to read the message, I didn¡¯t know what to make of it.
ANYA: ¡°Do you hate me?¡±
There could be a fine line between love and hate, especially when you loved someone as much as I loved Anya, but I loved her too much to hate her. At the same time, I couldn¡¯t help but feel betrayed she likely conspired with her husband to put together the holiday plans, as she also couldn¡¯t deny another trip to Europe was in the works. My heart could no longer endure another trip to Europe or even another V-Day dinner with her friends. If she loved me enough to not want to hurt me, and as much as it would pain me to know the details of what she experienced with Jackson, I wanted her to incinerate my heart and turn it into ashes if she had to. I stood for the truth, and my biggest pet peeve in life was dishonest people yet here I was, in the most dishonest of situations. I trusted someone¡¯s love for me would alter that landscape, yet she still didn¡¯t know if she could cultivate it. As the greatest of sorrow bludgeoned my mind, I wanted her kids to go skiing and I wanted her to be there with them. I¡¯d rather her break my heart then theirs, but I felt so strongly for her now, her plans were impossible to not be hurt by. Maybe I was being unfair to her? Maybe ¡°betrayal¡± was too strong of a word to define her planned skiing trip? As I tried to make sense of the mess inside my head, maybe one of my own making, she texted me again.
ANYA: ¡°Ok. I won¡¯t bother you anymore but can u at least tell me u got home ok last nite so I don¡¯t worry? Just one word? I¡¯m hurting like you wouldn¡¯t believe. I love you.¡±
Anya¡¯s pain. Anya¡¯s worry. Always trumped my own.
ME: ¡°I¡¯m sorry. I had my phone off. I made it home ok. I¡¯m hurting really bad as well. I love you too.¡±
As morning turned into afternoon not a single word came from Anya, and it left me unsure how to feel as a new wave of emptiness swelled inside. At around three, she ended her silence before I ended mine.
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ANYA: ¡°Idk why it has to be this way.¡±
ME: ¡°It¡¯s so tough. Ur my best friend. The absolute love of my life. You¡¯re the only thing that truly makes me happy in this world. What other way can it be? We r both hurting. I¡¯ve never felt this sad in my life, and I¡¯m more worried about you. I love you more than life itself. I don¡¯t want to lose you, but did you even really want to see me last night?¡±
As upset as I was with her the previous evening, her pain made me rethink my own agony as a life without her brought an agony all its own.
ANYA: ¡°What? I was thrilled that u drove up! Just don¡¯t know why we have to have tension. It¡¯s not like I met someone new. I¡¯m still doing what I do w/my kids.¡±
I didn¡¯t like the tension between us as well, but my feelings were now more advanced than ever, and I was super sensitive to every little thing she did, as evidenced by the holiday plans she made. If that bothered me, other things certainly would. I could only surmise that the reason she didn¡¯t know was because she didn¡¯t know if her feelings were strong enough to be with me. A perception that left me to not feel unwanted, but not needed. Anya had everything she needed at home, and if she truly felt she could have any guy she wanted, she could find love elsewhere and anywhere. I was her ¡°soulmate¡±, but don¡¯t soulmates know? Soulmates don¡¯t try, soulmates do. I was led to believe she needed me, and not just my love. I guess that¡¯s what hurt more than anything; the realization I was not needed.
ME: ¡°Babe, don¡¯t you feel that all I do is fill a void in your marriage and that is the feeling of being in love? You don¡¯t need me babe. You have been living without it for years. I guess I just feel that you enjoy the feeling and you want the person, but you don¡¯t need the person. For me, it¡¯s different. I want the feeling and the person because I need them both. One cannot exist without the other for me. It¡¯s a very painful thing for me to accept that you just don¡¯t need me like I need you.¡±
ANYA: ¡°Easy for you to say. I guess I don¡¯t need you if I don¡¯t ever need love again.¡±
I couldn¡¯t believe what she sent me as it touched me deeply with a healing power all its own.
ME: ¡°I want you to have love. That¡¯s why I¡¯m here.¡±
ANYA: ¡°I don¡¯t know the definition of ¡°soulmate¡±. I think u just know when you¡¯re hit with it. We just know. I miss u, I love u.¡±
ME: ¡°I agree. I miss u, I love u too.¡±
After our textchange I revamped my destructive thinking to find trust in her words as I began to feel bad for the way I reacted to her holiday plans. I would have wanted her to make them, but I guess how close we¡¯ve grown over the last month, a huge part of me wanted to believe she could never make them and when I learned she did, I felt betrayed. But was I truly betrayed? I wouldn¡¯t want her to shake up her kids before the holidays or deny them a family skiing trip. I wouldn¡¯t want the holidays to change from what they¡¯re used to. Andrew wanted to go skiing, and he should go. It just broke my heart too, and I went in defense mode to protect it out of fear, as it became second nature to do so after my relationship with Denise. After we aired our thoughts out through electronic transmission, I understood better about why they were made, and decided to let it go.
Later that evening, Anya sent me another text, as I felt her love come through to me from so far away.
ANYA: ¡°I miss u.¡±
ME: ¡°I miss u too.¡±
ANYA: ¡°R we still ok?¡±
ME: ¡°I apologize, babe. I am just so in love with you. It¡¯s hard to rein in the emotions. I try the best I can. You¡¯re my heart, my dreams, my hope and my love. We¡¯re ok.¡±
ANYA: ¡°I know. Ur all I know now and it¡¯s hard for me too. I long to be close to you every minute of the day. I love you.¡±
ME: ¡°I long to love you the way you should be and deserve to be loved. We¡¯ll get through this. Our love is truly forever and we¡¯ll see what happens. You never know.¡±
ANYA: ¡°As bad as it was yesterday, it was good. If that makes any sense.¡±
ME: ¡°I agree babe.¡±
ANYA: ¡°You never know. Goodnight. Forever babe.¡±
ME: ¡°Forever.¡±
I realized on this night no matter how hard she tried, she could never give me up as much as I could never give her up. Besides Katie and Andrew, I was all her heart had. Mitch told me if I met someone else, she would probably leave, but I didn¡¯t want to play games. I didn¡¯t want to hurt her, but at the same time I couldn¡¯t imagine having genuine enough feelings to date anyone else as they were impossible to fake.
The next morning, with a brave heart, I reached out to her to tell her I missed her.
ANYA: ¡°I miss you too. Ready for the week? I have a busy week.¡±
I historically assumed she had a ¡°busy week¡± ahead of her, as she seemed to always have them regardless of the time of year. My heart didn¡¯t need an unsubtle reminder there would be no chance to see her this week as a gap widened between us. Later that afternoon, with the hope in my heart I might be able to see her for a little while, based upon she had ¡°spills¡± with the girls at the mall near my place lately, I unsubtly mentioned I would be home from work early this Friday evening. I didn¡¯t have to wait long for her response.
ANYA: ¡°Friday is my company party.¡±
ME: ¡°Oh! Okay!¡±
Even such an innocuous response sensitized me to everything as my feelings had grown beyond I could have imagined. Our closeness over the last month allowed me to feel the bad as sharply as the good, and it caused my weakened heart to wage battle against a strengthened mind on an hourly basis. In the past, I¡¯d have my bout with worry once a month, maybe every few weeks, but now I felt it all much sooner. And Anya could feel my deterioration as my determination faltered to hide it from her.
ANYA: ¡°I love you Landyn.¡±
ME: ¡°I love you too.¡±
At this point in our relationship, with a firestorm of feelings for her, anything she did for Jackson and everything she did surrounded by people who believed their union was beautiful and meant to be, brutalized me inside to imagine. Any solitary thing she did to build the Jackson brand, something I was told would change if I ¡°swept her off her feet¡±, she seemed to build upon even more, and as much as I tried to fight it, I couldn¡¯t deny I felt deceived. Even though I knew she loved me, how could I feel this way? I didn¡¯t want to give her any grief about the Christmas party, and when I viewed it as she was doing it only for the security and well being of her kids, I found it tolerable. In the same breath however, it also told me she felt they would lose their security and well-being being with me, and any feelings I had to the contrary were irrational, selfish and false. I struggled to further hide from her my promotion in June, the one that would provide all the security in the world to the kids and at least assuage their well being, but for some reason, one that only eluded me, she didn¡¯t see things that way. She would also get half of Jackson¡¯s wealth, so how could that not help with their security and well being as well? And how could their well being not be affected when their own mother¡¯s well being is in question? Did Anya truly value or love as much as I did? I had a good career, and a lot of good things going for me. Her arguments only represented excuses to me because how could having a man like myself in their lives negatively affect their security and well being? Sure, there would be challenges in the beginning but if she truly loved me, how could fear roost? What reasons did I ever give her not to trust me? Fear and love couldn¡¯t coexist. She had to believe everything would be all right in the end. To trust in love, especially ours. For the sake of separation of love and fear, she had to believe that much. Anya would come into the best possible situation with me. A man who understood and loved her enough to be willing to take a back seat and allow her to make her kids feel safe and to understand her decision. She needed to teach her kids that all because parents didn¡¯t love each other anymore, did not mean they were unloved. I felt it would be harder to get a child under ten to understand that, but not teenagers who looked more to their friends now than their parents at that age. I knew these were real challenges for Anya, and I think they were worthy of concern, but she had something most people didn¡¯t who left their marriages; she had me.
I never heard back from her for the rest of the day, and since she had a busy week, I decided not to contact her. It was a challenge to share sixty texts throughout the day to just six, and although I chose to not let her holiday plans affect me, I couldn¡¯t deny they did. I vowed after Denise broke my heart to never allow myself to fall hard for anyone again, to be the strong one in the relationship so if things didn¡¯t work out, I¡¯d at least be able to move on a little quicker. For me to fall as hard as I did for Anya, it took not only an act from a higher power, but a ton of trust in her love and her pain. Anya even knew the reason I left her when we first met was because I felt something as feelings and emotions meant more than money. I knew where true happiness came from, and I don¡¯t think a soul would tell you on their death bed they wished they had spent more time in the office. I knew falling in love was a risk for anyone, and maybe in this situation the risk was greater, but I trusted all Anya told me. Even as I questioned it, I still trusted in her love. Like a bridge, I trusted her love to hold up on my journey across, but I also knew it could possibly collapse. She convinced me in her love so much, I never considered a collapse regardless of the threat. Like a bridge¡¯s strong safety record, I saw and felt her love, even as the connection swayed from time to time. The belief Anya would assess her truth one day, and figure out a way to stabilize the bridge, kept hope alive.
My silence seemed to pay off as the next day, Anya texted me.
ANYA: ¡°Curious. Were you this attentive with all your ex¡¯s?¡±
Before I could respond, I had to assess what she meant. Did she mean ¡°attentive¡± or did she mean ¡°sensitive¡± to the things me exes said or did? To be ¡°attentive¡± would suggest I cared enough to see how they¡¯re doing throughout the day. But ¡°attentive¡± could also mean I took things they did or said to heart, the good and the bad.
ME: ¡°I would say no just because I never felt the way I did for them than I do for you. Does it surprise you I¡¯m the attentive type? How r u?¡±
ANYA: ¡°No, doesn¡¯t surprise me that you are. Just never experienced it before to this extent. I¡¯m good. I so miss u.¡±
After I read her response I wondered if she thought Jackson loved her as much, or even more than I did. That she still believed a person, who cheated on someone several times, knew what love truly was. I hoped she my attentiveness existed only because I truly loved her. I truly cared how her day was going, and to know about even simplest things, like what she had for breakfast. But was that now a bad thing? Was I now under judgment because I cared too much? My pain was due to this leap of faith I took in trusting Anya¡¯s love for me. Although a stronger mind prevailed now due to my past experiences with women, I still possessed a weak heart, a quality I looked to improve upon after Denise left me. I just didn¡¯t know, out of the two, what burdened me the most. My mind was hesitant and cognizant to things that hurt me in the past, but my heart remained stubborn and free now as the greatest love I ever knew consumed me as it spoke to my mind, ¡°I know what I¡¯m doing. This is different. This is love.¡±.
You had to rely on your heart more than your mind if you are to have the love you¡¯re hoping to find. And I¡¯ve come too far and grew too wise to know what we both faced without each other.
ME: ¡°I miss you too. No one has ever been attentive to me than you, and that inspires me to return it, more than you¡¯re used to.¡±
ANYA: ¡°Cuz we love and respect each other mutually.¡±
At the very least, she knew I loved and respected her, and there was no doubt in my mind Anya did for me too, but were the reasons the same as mine? Was it done out of fear or done out of love?
I texted her later that afternoon, but Anya asked me to call. We talked very briefly as she shared with me Katie¡¯s pending high school decision and informed she would wait for me to get the second ¡°Twilight¡± book so we could read it together. Her voice soothed my soul like a cool breeze on a scorched earth day as I feared now to learn anything that could cause anxiety. We usually talked on the phone later in the evening, at the same time I tried to unwind from the fatigue and stress from work I hid as I feared an incongruent disastrous response if I got hurt by something she said. Something that also usually brought with it a sleepless night. As she did more things for their marriage during this holiday season, it made it harder to understand why she still shared the same bed with Jackson. Denise left me for someone else as I vowed to never find myself again in a situation where I thought about someone I had deep feelings for who had the probability to experience intimacy with another. I trusted all Anya told me about Jackson, yet I was still left to imagine her lying beside another man, and the most agonizing truth; she would never tell me what happened between them, and what transpired that led to their intimacy. They also shared the bond of two children together I couldn¡¯t compete with which made my thoughts even more harrowing as I literally found myself caught in between, what had to be, heaven and hell. On a daily basis, more so than ever before, the less I felt her closeness, the further into hell I fell as I found it harder to get back to heaven.
Early the following morning, Anya sent me a text to clarify something.
ANYA: ¡°About our convo last night, my friend hired a college counselor to map out her kid¡¯s high school classes including AP classes and electives. I know it sounds crazy but I have a counselor for Katie already.¡±
ME: ¡°I don¡¯t think that sounds crazy at all. I wish my parents have been that proactive with me.¡±
Career guidance was important for a child to have in their teens. They could get distracted and pulled into so many directions, and opt for careers that were either ¡°cool¡± or unrealistic. For years, I wanted to play in the NBA, and my mother supported the dream, which I found a loving gesture, but the reality was this; I was five foot eight, and if women judged me by my height, what would NBA scouts likely to do? You could be quick and light on your feet, but your speed and stamina had to be superior to excel in the NBA, especially at my height. I had a decent shot, but it was pretty much a set shot, and I needed to be a jump shooter, but my feet seemed to be nailed to the ground. I also played a lot of baseball, and I used to turn a game around with my defense alone. One time I made a spectacular catch in left field that preserved the win for my team to get us in the playoffs. When we faced the same team in the championship game, they apparently were haunted by my catch as the coach made their best hitters bat left handed the entire game because they knew our worst fielder played in right, and the beat us for the championship as the strategy worked. My glove, and even my bat, could alter a team¡¯s game plan and because of it, almost every baseball team I ever played for either went to the playoffs or championship game. I clearly had a much better chance to make it to the majors than I did to the NBA, but I still chose unwisely not to play high school baseball because I thought the NBA would be the wiser option. To make my decision even worse, I played an exhibition baseball game after I graduated high school, and the other team¡¯s pitcher was someone who was in the Double-A St. Louis Cardinals farm system; just two steps away from the major leagues. He had four pitches and nasty stuff. The day of the exhibition game, I hit everything he threw at me, and went three for three against him with solid hard hits to every area in the field. Even prompted him to approach me after the game and ask what level in the minors I was at and for which organization. Years later he got called up and although his career got derailed by Tommy John surgery, he made my decision more regrettable. With better guidance at an early age, not that I blamed my parents for anything as my mother never finished past the 8th grade and my Dad never went to college, I would have a better chance at being on the right path. I didn¡¯t think Anya¡¯s decision to get a counselor for Katie before she finished junior high was extremely intuitive and smart, and I really admired how she, and even Jackson, respected the importance of education and the need to focus on the right career path so Katie could live life with little or no regrets. It was a competitive ¡°dog eat dog world¡± out there, and they needed to be prepared now than ever before to survive.
For most of the day I attended a continuing education class for my CPA license. I had to have twenty hours of CPE per year to maintain my license as this course gave me eight hours. The course instructor was a blonde haired, overweight woman in about her forties. Accounting classes were not the most fun to sit through for eight hours as you pretty much counted down to the first break the minute you sat down, but my instructor kept it interesting and even humorous. She then passed out a bucket of candy left over from Halloween to the class, as she asked us to choose two then pass it over, if we wanted. This older gentleman, probably in his early sixties who I sat next to, leaned over to me.
¡°It looks like she¡¯s eating the candy.¡± he said.
¡°It looks like you¡¯re an asshole.¡± I responded.
I knew tried to connect with me as to make class more interesting, but when I noticed his own appearance and his chrome dome, I wondered how he could judge someone so cruelly without any consideration of his own looks. I almost said, ¡°too bad it¡¯s only candy she¡¯s passing out and not toupees, but then there would be nothing left for anyone else after it reached you¡± but decided not to sink to his level. After my comment, he didn¡¯t say another word to me and after lunch grabbed his materials and sat near someone else in the room. In the past, I probably would have laughed with him and encouraged further conversation, but meeting Anya, and knowing how she chose a man for all the wrong reasons, just made his comment rub me the wrong way as I found it immature. False perceptions and judgments of others made me sick as I expected more from a sixty year old man who seemed to forget how imperfect he was. When lunch broke out, Anya texted me to see how my class was going. I then told her about the man¡¯s comment about our heavy set teacher, and what I said.
ANYA: ¡°Awww how sweet r u! I just love you!¡±
ME: ¡°Some people just never grow up. I thought it was a childish remark without taking into consideration his own shortcomings. I would say they make a good couple, but I think she¡¯s too good for him.¡±
Not only did I talk to Anya, I also didn¡¯t have to worry about going into work as this class felt like an extension of my vacation. When my class wrapped up, I texted Anya to learn shopping was on her task list.
ME: ¡°You must be exhausted.¡±
ANYA: ¡°Never too tired for shopping! Actually I¡¯m ok cuz I have to be on for my kids. K is really sick.¡±
Her shopping habits worried me as it led me to wonder if the high of being able to shop on a whim was one of the reasons for her concern for the security and well being of her kids. Was this about their financial security more than their actual physical security? Why were they referred to me as ¡°baggage¡± when the truth appeared to be that she cared about their security and well being? This concern and many more she shared had to be in place over eighteen months ago and had to be the reason things didn¡¯t work out with Lance. Anya blamed Lance, even myself, for breaking her heart but how could she tell either of us such a thing when a year later I¡¯m being told she is now there because she is concerned about the security and well being of her kids? I found that hard to not take personal because she never mentioned it when we met. Not that she didn¡¯t care, but why not mention it to me so my heart would know what to expect?
Like the previous four nights, more silence ensued on this one. As if we had just met and never shared or experienced a thing together. I knew she had to do things for the holidays. I knew she had to be ¡°on¡± but how was it so easy for her to flip a switch I didn¡¯t have access to because I loved her so much? How could she continue on with her life as if I didn¡¯t exist in it? How could she feel anything close to what I did for her and be able to send me just five texts over the last four days? I began to feel more than ever the difference between being ¡°in love¡± and ¡°loving¡± someone. I didn¡¯t want Anya to neglect her kids, and I wanted her to do what she needed to do during the holiday season for them as I didn¡¯t want Jackson to monitor her every move, but at the same time, how could she take someone so far, allow their feelings to grow so much, then not scale back the holiday plans when she could? It seemed like she was completely oblivious to her role in our relationship. I tried not to hold this against her, I loved her and I cared for her, but it was hard not to consider these things when I couldn¡¯t deny how much this hurt me. Since it felt like she conspired against me to make the holiday plans, it made me ponder what did she do for Jackson that curbed his suspicion? Did she have sex with him and tell him all the things he needed to hear to still believe she wasn¡¯t seeing someone? After this holiday season, I knew I couldn¡¯t tolerate the dishonesty anymore. I trusted she was an honest genuine person and the only reason she lived a lie was because no one would be there for her if she didn¡¯t. To ask me to quit her at this point was like asking a paraplegic to get out of his wheelchair and walk again, or someone to breathe again after they were shot in the heart. Anya told me things and shared herself in such an intimate way, it allowed me to trust her enough to allow my feelings to grow. How could I possibly go back to the life I knew before her? A life that no longer existed. How could she think after all we¡¯ve shared I should just shut it all off and move on, and if I wasn¡¯t able to do so, there was something wrong with me. She asked me to fight for her and I did, every waking moment and even in my sleep when I got some. I even continued to do so and for that alone, how could she leave me hanging like this with only my understanding in the mix? I didn¡¯t want to tell her how this made me feel because I didn¡¯t want her to feel an obligation to text me. I wouldn¡¯t think it was genuine if she did; her texts only prompted because her silence hurt me. I just knew when she returned from her skiing trip, I had to get to the bottom of her true intentions because I now felt I wasn¡¯t good enough for her kids to know one day, my pockets more shallow than Jackson¡¯s.
The tenth day of December fell on a Wednesday and I got a text from Anya late that morning.
ANYA: ¡°Busy day? I miss your kiss baby. I¡¯m going to a BUNCO game at a neighbor¡¯s house tonight. I can get away at around 3ish though before I go. Can you call me later?¡±
ME: ¡°I miss your kiss too. Yes, I¡¯ll give you a call around 3ish. How is Katie feeling?¡±
ANYA: ¡°She¡¯s feeling better. Thanks for asking. Have a good day! Talk to you later. Love u!¡±
ME: ¡°Love u too!¡±
I feared our phone calls now as questions circled my mind like war planes set out to attack my heart with bombs as I feared I may break. I didn¡¯t want to say anything to put fear in her heart, but her holiday plans got the best of me. In full fatigue mode due to a lack of sleep, the added stress didn¡¯t help, blinded by even the good things she did that showed her love for me.
When I called, her cell phone rang a few times before it went to voicemail, and I decided not to leave a message simply because of who might get it if he nosed around. I couldn¡¯t help but notice it was the first time she didn¡¯t pick up as she usually did on the first ring. I told her I would call around ¡°three-ish¡± so I had to cut her some slack. About five minutes later my cell phone started to ring though as I wasted no time in answering.
¡°Hi Stranger!¡± I said excitedly
¡°Hey babe! Sorry I missed your call. I had my music on when the phone rang and didn¡¯t hear it!¡±
¡°No problem! I figured you¡¯d call me back if you saw I called.¡±
As she told me about how busy she was lately, and what her and the girls were planning to do this weekend, I felt more lost as she didn¡¯t seem to be hurting or missing me at all, contrary to how she made me feel earlier. It¡¯s not that I wanted her to be hurting or missing me, but at least it would validate all the missing and hurt I felt. She relayed her friends planned a birthday party for her at Duke Palmer¡¯s Restaurant, in the mall by my house, this upcoming Sunday evening and she could see me beforehand. I then remembered last year at this time, before we started really seeing each other, she told me she met up with Lance, the Josh Groban slash Domingo prot¨¦g¨¦, with her friends for her birthday dinner in L.A. She told me he was scheduled to fly out of LAX at ten that evening and decided to meet her and her friends for dinner before he flew out. It didn¡¯t bug me at the time, but now, after the holiday madness consumed her enough to go missing from my life, it made me question the depth of her love for me, because I couldn¡¯t understand why she would cut me like this.
¡°I have a question for you.¡± I stated.
¡°Sure.¡±
¡°How was Lance able to meet you and your friends for your birthday party dinner last year at Spagos, without arousing any suspicion that you were or have been dating him?¡±
¡°Well, he¡¯s an entertainer and the whole group knew him.¡± she explained. ¡°but they didn¡¯t suspect anything was going on between us.¡±
¡°Really? They didn¡¯t have a clue?¡± I asked.
¡°What would make you think they did?¡±
¡°Weren¡¯t they at the same party when he sang ¡°Happy birthday¡± to you?¡±
¡°Yes, they were.¡±
¡°I don¡¯t understand.¡± I said more perplexed.
¡°What don¡¯t you understand?¡±
¡°You told me your husband was jealous because he sang ¡°Happy birthday¡± to you. You said he usually doesn¡¯t do that for free and that¡¯s what made him suspicious.¡± I continued. ¡°If that was the case, that he doesn¡¯t do that for free, wouldn¡¯t the group wonder the same thing?¡±
¡°What are you getting at?¡± she asked.
¡°Lance wasn¡¯t performing at Spago¡¯s that night, right?¡±
¡°No, he wasn¡¯t.¡±
¡°Then why wouldn¡¯t your friends be suspicious he decided to show up for ¡°your¡± birthday dinner?¡± I said to drive my point home. ¡°Why would your husband be suspicious but your friends wouldn¡¯t be? Him coming to your birthday dinner wasn¡¯t a little suspicious to them?¡±
¡°Where are you going with this, Landyn?¡± she asked. ¡°What¡¯s wrong?¡±
I wanted to tell her exactly where I was going with this. Why was Lance accepted around her friends, but I wasn¡¯t? Why was I only worthy of a short visit before dinner but Lance could be right by her side? Did I have to be a publicly admired figure to be accepted into her group? Was it my lack of ¡°popularity¡± and ¡°financial prowess allure¡± the reason she chose to now make me aware of the security and well being of her children? Was this why I was made to suffer through her holiday plans, and every other excuse she made? Would her friends only accept her leaving Jackson for someone of greater or equal celebrity status? I was on the verge of throwing us all away the more I thought about this, but instead I opted for the reason I felt all I did.
¡°I¡¯m missing you, Anya.¡± I said. ¡°I¡¯m just really missing you. I¡¯m not used to missing people in my life. I don¡¯t know how to handle this.¡±
¡°It¡¯s the same for me but I have to be ¡°on¡±¡±. she said.
As much as I tried to understand, but it didn¡¯t seem she missed me at all. When she told me about her birthday party, I couldn¡¯t see the fact she would forgo doing something she loved to do, like shopping, in order to see me before her party, and she probably only chose the venue because of its proximity to me. The truth was she had to be ¡°on¡±, she wasn¡¯t lying about that, but she shouldn¡¯t have allowed me to feel so much for her if she had to ever turn us ¡°off¡±. I knew after these holidays passed, my heart wouldn¡¯t be able to go through them again. I tried to bargain with myself; ¡°next year, after my promotion, things would be different¡±. That this despair was only a temporary even though there appeared to be hard truths on the horizon.
¡°I understand.¡± I said.
¡°I¡¯ve known these neighbors for like ten to fifteen years and if I don¡¯t show up they will think I¡¯m depressed.¡± she said.
¡°They would?¡±
¡°Yes.¡±
¡°I see.¡±
¡°Just business as usual¡± I thought to myself. If she cared what only her neighbors thought of her and that she¡¯s known them for ten to fifteen years, wouldn¡¯t she also care too much for what they might think if she were to leave Jackson? Again, her ¡°sum of years¡± thing seemed to be her way of measuring the importance of people in her life. Not by the way they make her feel but by how many years she¡¯s known them. How could she even refer to me as her ¡°best friend¡± after only over a year, but yet somehow what her neighbors thought was more important to her? Although my heart didn¡¯t understand, my mind told me I had to try.
¡°When you want to call me on the phone, is it because you feel bad or because you¡¯re in love with me?¡± I asked.
¡°I want to tell you I miss you and I love you.¡± she said. ¡°I want to hear it from you too. It helps me feel safer. I prefer the phone over text and I love to hear your voice too.¡±
¡°Okay.¡± I responded.
I felt a lot better after I heard her response, I just didn¡¯t know how much longer I could hide how the things she did affected me. I then told her I had to go as I wanted to end things on a good note before something else broke me down. After we ended our call with a reciprocal ¡°I love you¡±, she texted me just minutes after.
ANYA: ¡°U ok?¡±
ME: ¡°I¡¯m ok. I¡¯m sorry if I upset you. My feelings are just so much more advanced for you now than they were at this time last year.¡±
ANYA: ¡°It¡¯s ok. I understand. So are mine for you. It¡¯s crazy. Are you more sad now than you were before you met me?¡±
ME: ¡°Sometimes I am, but I¡¯m also happier than I¡¯ve ever been too.¡±
ANYA: ¡°I miss u.¡±
ME: ¡°I miss u too.¡±
I didn¡¯t understand how she could love me the way she had knowing she had kids and everything else going on in her life without any consideration how strong my feelings would grow for her. It led me to believe that¡¯s all she ever wanted from me; to feel loved, but she took my life by doing so, and it wasn¡¯t right I was left to feel paralyzed while she lived life to the fullest because of the love I gave her when I made it perfectly clear in the beginning of our relationship I walked away because I didn¡¯t want to fill a void. Anya told me what she felt was true love. Was it only true love because she knew I didn¡¯t have anything to offer her like Lance and Jackson did, and therefore no stress and no pressure? Was it really true love or was it because I gave her something no man in his right mind would give her in this situation? She told me her feelings for me were ¡°crazy¡±. Would it not be crazy if I too had a twenty eight foot island in my kitchen? Did she view me as someone of considerable less stature than her husband and was ashamed of her love for me because of what others, neighbors and her circle of friends, might think if she left him? Was that what made her love ¡°crazy¡± for me?
The truth was this; I now began to lose trust in her, and the things she told me were now replaced by the things she withheld from me. I shouldn¡¯t have to ask her questions about her life since I didn¡¯t really know enough about her life and how decisive they were to ask about them. Did parents who viewed themselves as ¡°role models¡± for their children only are because they lie to them? Anya told me one time she wished I would force her to make a decision, and the more pain she gave me, I felt purposely and the less trust I began to have in her, the more I felt forced to do just that.
I wished her a ¡°Goodnight¡± and never heard back from her. The next day, the eleventh day of December, we exchanged one text in which she told me her daughter was torn about her choice of high school, as she visited the one the previous day, most of her friends were going to.
ANYA: ¡°She had her friends around her last night. She¡¯s sooo torn. I feel sorry for her. She¡¯s been up since 3 am so I didn¡¯t work out this morning.¡±
I didn¡¯t understand why Anya surrounded her daughter with so much drama as it left me to feel like Katie was on ¡°Beverly Hills 90210¡±. I could understand the drama around a choice for college but high school? I felt Anya and Jackson already made up Katie¡¯s mind for her so why would she go against the wishes of her parents? If Katie truly was the sole decision maker, what role did her parents truly play in her life? Did kids usually have their choice of high schools? Maybe I was out of touch, but this seemed bizarre to me because why would any parent want their children to go to a known party high school over one that required academic excellence that she was accepted to? Katie was too young to drive, so wouldn¡¯t it truly be up to her parents to decide which high school they wanted her to go to?
I didn¡¯t hear from Anya the morning of the twelfth day of December, as she usually responded in the morning to a ¡°goodnight¡± text. As I sat in my CPE class, the final eight hour session of the week, I never felt so uneasy about my emotions and I had to step out several times and try to focus on the subject material instead of the silence of the conduit I used to feel close to her. I tried not to penalize Anya for all I felt. Not only was it the holiday season but Katie was in the middle of her high school selection, and I felt selfish about all my emotions even under the distress of the moment. On top of all that, Katie fell ill during the week, as I started to feel I wasn¡¯t being fair to Anya. Not only that, today was her Company¡¯s Christmas party as well, an event she put together for the most part. If I could find a way to look at this under Anya¡¯s light, then I could stave off the negative emotions as there was more truth in those things than the ones I asked her about on the phone. When my phone¡¯s red light finally blinked at four forty one p.m., I started to rebuild and emerge from the ship I wrecked with my mind.
ANYA: ¡°Thinking of u.¡±
ME: ¡°Thinking of you, too.¡±
Usually at times I heard from her this late, I feared the worst, but this time around I felt relieved as her text built up the positive thoughts I mustered before class ended.
After work, I decided to shop at the mall by my house. Actually, any ¡°shopping¡± I did at the mall only meant trying to get out of my apartment and doing something other than wasting away on a bed. These days I found myself though, when there were little people around, in front of the windows of the jewelry shops as I tried to imagine how pretty things would look on her. It was hard not to dream about being able to walk into a jewelry shop confidently with the intent to get her something she could wear from me. For someone who made me so happy if she left her marriage, I would only want to return the favor. It would be more fun to have her with me, to let her choose whatever she wanted, and to see the smile on her face when she put it on. I dreamt about moments such as those a lot. Just us, in our own little world, in a nice jewelry store as we looked to build on the one we made together.
I didn¡¯t think twice about spending money on someone I loved. To me, money was something we needed to survive in this world, but feelings, those were more precious to me, and any investment I made of them in someone were of much greater value. I¡¯d rather a woman take me for my money than my feelings. Anya texted me about an hour later to see what I was up to, and when I told her I was shopping, her response caught me by surprise.
ANYA: ¡°R u shopping or ¡°waiting for someone?¡±
ME: ¡°Flora? Is this you?¡±
ANYA: ¡°Maybe.¡±
ME: ¡°The only person I¡¯d ever wait for is you, babe.¡±
ANYA: ¡°I was kidding.¡±
ME: ¡°Ok good because Flora just left. JK!¡±
ANYA: ¡°Maybe she took off cuz she didn¡¯t want to see that ¡°person¡± u were waiting for?¡±
ME: ¡°Haha! Well, too bad. She¡¯d be sh*t out of luck!¡±
Anya¡¯s texts caught me by surprise in a good way as there seemed to be a hint of jealousy within them, but what I loved about them is that she seemed to question me the way I did about Lance. They made me feel better simply because maybe my questions surrounding Lance was as absurd and untrue as her questioning about Flora? Although, the difference between Lance and Flora was I never had a ¡°passionate relationship¡± with Flora, but either way I loved to see she cared. She could be a nagging girlfriend because I couldn¡¯t be a non-nagging boyfriend from time to time. I loved her too much and I could never shut off the hurt it caused me if she loved another man.
Maybe my talk with her the other night made her wonder if I could be seeing someone else? Maybe she could sense I¡¯m breaking down? The truth was, she was less likely to see someone else because she was married, but I wasn¡¯t and maybe this worried her because I had more freedom than she did, and if things she did bothered me, then maybe she feared I would get fed up and start dating someone else without telling her? That maybe because of this true freedom, my loyalty I should come into question more than hers? I just never saw things this way because there simply was no one else, and unlike Jackson¡¯s ¡°love¡± for her, I knew from a life of loneliness, the love I felt for Anya there could be no replacement for.
The next morning, I texted her to see how she was doing, as I feared she feared I chose to see someone else because of the lack of communication over the past five days.
ANYA: ¡°Hi, just got out. No, I don¡¯t usually run. We workout at his gym and only run when we have a race to train for. No way you¡¯d be fine in Yoga. Its fail proof!¡±
ME ¡°Oh, trust me. There¡¯s no way I¡¯d be successful at Yoga. I am completely inflexible as I am impervious. I¡¯d put your fail proof theory to the ultimate test. I¡¯d be better off just laying down on the mat and listen to the music.¡±
ANYA: ¡°No way they don¡¯t play music!¡±
ME ¡°If they ask me to move my leg anywhere it would probably break! Then I¡¯d destroy all that class Zen when the ambulance sirens destroy the silence.¡±
ANYA: ¡°Ha! U and ur mind! You probably think we hold our legs over our heads too!¡±
ME ¡°Pretty much! That¡¯s what I think is going on in Yoga and if you can¡¯t do that basic pose, you¡¯re out!¡±
ANYA: ¡°Ha! You¡¯re too much!¡±
ME ¡°You weren¡¯t upset with me last night, were you?¡±
ANYA: ¡°No not at all! Where is this coming from?¡±
ME ¡°I thought maybe you were bummed out I was at the mall last night, that¡¯s all.¡±
ANYA: ¡°No not at all. Was making Andrew his dinner. Still sick.¡±
ME ¡°Oh, I didn¡¯t know Andrew caught the bug too. I¡¯m sorry. Hope he feels better soon.¡±
After our morning cup of textversation, I didn¡¯t hear back from her for the rest of the evening, and for the life of me I couldn¡¯t understand why as her silence only bred more negativity within. At around eight that evening, paralyzed in the shell of a person I used to know, I texted Anya to see how she was doing.
ANYA: ¡°Sorry at the boat parade w/the kids and I can¡¯t find Andrew.¡±
ME: ¡°No need to apologize, babe. I¡¯m sorry to hear you¡¯ve lost him.¡±
Her text rained down worry upon me as I didn¡¯t know if she asked for my help or not, but her text suggested a state of panic. I waited at my apartment for twenty minutes and then sent her a text to follow-up.
ME: ¡°Did you find him, babe?¡±
When I didn¡¯t hear back from her a half hour later, worry began to consume me beyond inaction as I felt the situation was seriousness enough for me to get in my car and drive to the boat parade to try to find someone I¡¯ve never met but hoped to someday, her son.
CHAPTER 26 ~ ASYLUM FOR AN EMPATH
¡°There are no impossible dreams.
There are no invisible seams.
Each night when the day is through.
I don¡¯t ask much. I just want you.¡±
¡±I Just Want You¡± ~ Ozzy Osbourne
Anya lived about twenty-five minutes from me, but even if she lived two hours away I would have jumped in my car to see if I could help her find Andrew. For her not to respond at all was too bizarre for nothing to be wrong. I took the 405 Freeway and drove as fast as I could to the marina where the annual Christmas boat parade was held. I went one time when I was younger, and it was pretty cool to see all the yachts and boats adorned in Christmas lights as they cruised through the harbor. I knew the event drew thousands of people from all over so it would be hard for Anya to locate Andrew. I remembered what he looked like through the various pics of him she shared with me so it left me with confidence I could spot him.
The image of Anya and Andrew both distressed, apart from each other and in tears fueled my drive to bring them together. Anya was likely with her friends who could comfort her, but who comforted poor Andrew who was lost in the dark among total strangers? In this crazy day and age, who knew what could happen to him as I hoped no worst case scenarios took place.
When I reached boat parade central, I slowly cruised down the main strip, north and then south a couple of times, with my eyes peeled for him. When that yielded no results, I then parked my car and walked among the crowd in search of him. With every step, I wondered what I would do if I found him. I couldn¡¯t pick him up and drive him over to Anya¡¯s home. Hell, I couldn¡¯t even tell him who I was. In fact, I didn¡¯t know how it would pan out of I found him, but I would probably follow him to make sure he was okay, protect him in any way I had to, and then text Anya to make her aware of his whereabouts. Then, hopefully, she would show up and this ¡°Good Samaritan¡± could just walk away. Andrew¡¯s safety trumped my fears at this point. After two fruitless hours passed, and the crowd dissipated into a few drunken stragglers, I decided to get in my car and head home. Before I started the engine, my phone¡¯s red light began to blink.
ANYA: ¡°Yes thank u. Home now watching Poly on TV. Football.¡±
I smiled and breathed a sigh of relief he was safe and Anya was relieved, but after a minute passed, something stung inside as it hurt to know this text came two and half hours later. Didn¡¯t she know I cared? That just like her, I fell in love with them too? After all the things she shared with me about her kids, it took her over two hours to tell me he was home? Didn¡¯t she think I¡¯d worry? The last five days of silence on the phone, after we became closer than ever, had now gotten the best of me. I could no longer deny I truly lived through her. Even cared about her happiness above my own because I trusted all she ever told me that allowed me to be entrenched in her life, and she couldn¡¯t respond to me after she found Andrew? For the last five days I fought hard to understand her silence, but I just couldn¡¯t understand this particular silence because it brought me the most loneliness.
ME: ¡°Ok. Good. I was worried. I drove out looking for you. Goodnight babe.¡±
ANYA: ¡°What? You did?¡±.
ME: ¡°You didn¡¯t respond. I feared the worst.¡±
ANYA: ¡°OMG! I¡¯m so sorry.¡±
ME: ¡°No worries! I just drove up and down Toledo street a few times and walked through the marina to take a chance of running into you. I remember what your son looks like from his website pic and the pics you¡¯ve shown me of him. I wanted to call but didn¡¯t think you would answer. It¡¯s no big deal. I just wanted to make sure everything was fine and it is.¡±
ANYA: ¡°Awww hun. I¡¯m so touched right now. I¡¯m so sorry I worried you. Just a lot of people around me and couldn¡¯t text u back.¡±
After all we¡¯ve shared. After we grew closer than ever, she was too fearful of what the people around her might think if she sent me a quick text to let me know she found Andrew. If the people around her, at a boat parade, influenced her so much, that it mattered what they might think, if their thoughts meant more than the thoughts of the man who really cared and loved her, then maybe it was time for me to disappear from her life? If she couldn¡¯t vouch for me, if she couldn¡¯t respond to a simple text, and she apparently viewed them as people of more value and worth than she viewed me, the man she claimed to love, then did she really need me in her life? She already had all she needed. She could find love through another, someone who she cared more about than what her friends would think about her. In her eyes, her friends clearly meant more to her, and she valued what they thought more than I did. I could no longer ignore how this made me feel. The sting was deep enough to be real.
ME: ¡°I¡¯m glad he¡¯s home safe and sound. Goodnight. I love you forever.¡±
ANYA: ¡°Thank you baby. I¡¯m so moved right now. Goodnight love. I love you forever.¡±
As much as I was, I didn¡¯t want her to think I was hurt by what she did. In Anya¡¯s defense, she didn¡¯t ask me to go out looking for Andrew, I did that on my own. And maybe fatigue and stress added to my sensitivity about her not being able to respond to my text. I didn¡¯t want her friends to suspect anything out of the ordinary especially during the holidays. What Anya did during the holidays she had to do, to keep the fa?ade alive, but I was slowly realizing the fa?ade sucked life from me I needed to survive, as I felt on life support. I walked away from her for this reason when we first met. This was the very reason why. I didn¡¯t want to fall in love with someone only to be alone. I began to feel that Anya loved me so deeply only because she was married. Only because she had nothing to lose by doing so. Would she have loved me this much if she knew this would be her landing spot? My self-esteem didn¡¯t think so. Here I was, back again, in a place I swore to myself I¡¯d never be, deeply in love with someone who didn¡¯t truly feel the same for me.
Often times a new day would allow me to see and feel differently. How many days I felt like the world¡¯s greatest fool to feel all this negativity, to be so sensitive, but the schism between the extreme highs and extreme lows widened. I had to be true to myself if I asked Anya to do the same, and I wasn¡¯t happy with the way she allowed my feelings to grow only to ¡°BU¡± with me then expected me to just shut off my feelings and be ¡°on¡± like she did. How Anya handled certain aspects of our relationship gave me the sense of a loss of control, a coldness of insanity I never felt before with anyone. I even lost sight of what was real and what was not. My thoughts went to places they didn¡¯t want to go and were unstoppable once there.
As these negative thoughts suppressed my need to sleep, Anya sent me another text.
ANYA: ¡°What u did tonight was the nicest thing ever babe. I¡¯m so touched. Goodnight again.¡±
Her words made me feel better as it appeared she genuinely appreciated what I did, but I didn¡¯t do anything special. Just something anyone who loved someone would do. I decided to not respond to her text, as I knew the next day she planned to visit me, and we could talk about it then if she still felt the same way. In the meantime, I now felt strong enough to sleep off the negative feelings.
The next morning, Anya sent me a text.
ANYA: ¡°Good morning! 3 p.m. ok w/u?¡±
ME: ¡°Good morning! Well¡¯ I¡¯d prefer 3 a.m. but beggars can¡¯t be choosers! Yes! See you at 3!¡±
ANYA: ¡°Ha! See you then!¡±
A half hour before her visit, I took one of the Vicodin¡¯s I took from my mother¡¯s pill bottle in an all out effort to stave off all the feelings, all the disappointment, all the sadness and all the hopelessness the last five days filled inside me. I used the opiate to suppress my true feelings so I wouldn¡¯t say the wrong thing to her when she arrived and ruin our day together. I noted in my journal today was our sixty eighth meeting and her thirty fifth visit to my place, as they each carried a memory all its own. The last time my eyes met hers it was the fifth of December and with this day being the fourteenth, it was nearly two weeks ago since our last meeting. As I journalized my emotions before her arrival, I struggled to put my thoughts to doc. The biggest question to me was I asked her to be true to her self but was I really being true to myself by hiding all my pain from her? I was upset, frustrated and disappointed she has not at least separated yet from Jackson, but at the same time I felt I wasn¡¯t being fair because it wasn¡¯t easy for her as well. I loved her to death, and wanted to see her side of things more than my own but I also needed to resolve these emotions I felt. She could say we were ¡°BU¡¯d¡± until all the farm animals on earth came home, but she knew, in her heart of hearts, we weren¡¯t as evidenced by her visit on this day. After I put some thoughts down, I lit two candles in my room for her and then began to rehearse an imagined conversation in the mirror. I never talked to myself before as I found this particular strategy rather odd, but I guess I had some feelings that carried over from the prior evening I needed to get off my chest before she arrived. It was only a few minutes after when I received her trademark text.
ANYA: ¡°Here.¡±
From the moment she arrived to the very moment she left, after I pulled her back to me a few times before I let her leave my bed, we only picked up right where we left off. As if the last five days never happened; as if we were never ¡°BU¡¯d¡± a single minute. I guess my airing out of grievances to an audience of one before she arrived helped out tremendously as we hardly came up for air during her hour visit. One conversation, in particular though, I remembered vividly.
¡°Sometimes I miss you so much¡¡± Anya struggled to tell me. ¡°I miss you so much, I get discouraged and then I get sad.¡±
Her revelation took me by surprise, and I only knew how to respond because I felt the same way.
¡°Please don¡¯t be sad. You¡¯re the only one in my heart and I only have room for you in there. Please don¡¯t be afraid to lose my love.¡¯ I said. ¡°When I tell you ¡°I love you forever¡±, I mean it. I bleed you too.¡±
When Anya and I were together, no matter what happened between us, no matter how sad I felt in her absence, the world spun on its axis again. She put my emotions at ease when she shared hers as she appeared to feel all I did. Whenever she shared her pain, and I saw the real struggle in her eyes, I changed my tune instantly as I became numb to the sting of the last five days of silence. I hid from her how the holidays affected me because I didn¡¯t want them to affect her more than they already did. I guess that¡¯s what love did though; it had no memory. It didn¡¯t tally the wrongs, never kept score and was even willing to fall behind, even lose, at times.
Anya then left me to join her friends for her birthday party. A party that bothered me much less than it did days earlier. She then sent me a text to let me know I was on her mind.
ANYA: ¡°I miss u.¡±
ME: ¡°I miss u too. Always. R u at Charlie Palmer¡¯s?¡±
ANYA: ¡°Just having drinks now. I hope they don¡¯t pull anything out cuz I don¡¯t want anything.¡±
It then dawned on me¡I needed to go out and get Anya her Christmas and birthday gift tonight. If her friends did get her something, which I believed they would. my gift would blend in with theirs so she could bring it home without fear. What to get her for Christmas though was a whole other ordeal. The last Christmas gift I bought for a girlfriend was eighteen years earlier when I dated Sara as it made me realize how unlucky in love I was.
As much I would have liked to, I knew I could not get her anything extravagant. It had to be something a love interest would never buy for her. As I walked around the mall, I found myself once again in front of a jewelry store window, but after I pulled myself away from the dream, I decided on a specialty shop that sold candles. I knew she liked them and it seemed like something she would buy for herself, or someone else would buy for her. I also picked up a box of chocolates for her, just a box of assorted See¡¯s Candies, but y biggest challenge however remained, finding something to present them to her in. I soon found myself in a drug store in front of a section for gift bags and tissue paper. Since pink was her favorite color, I tried to find a bag to match her taste, but it was not in he cards. I then spotted and settled on a sparkled purple bag with a butterfly cut out. Fortunately, they had pink tissue paper so I could fill the void a purple butterfly bag filed to cover. I then reached out to Anya to see if she received any gifts from the girls and if after she left the restaurant I could just hand the gifts off to her.
ANYA: ¡°I did. I wish u hadn¡¯t. I don¡¯t love my Bday. Still at CP.¡±
ME: ¡°Well, I love your birthday! It will blend in with all the other gifts you got. I don¡¯t know when I¡¯ll get to see you again. I¡¯ll just hand it off to you really quick and you can go straight home. I won¡¯t keep you, babe. Is that ok?¡±
ANYA: ¡°Ok. I¡¯ll let you know when we¡¯re leaving.¡±
I didn¡¯t think Anya would be there too long as it was a Sunday night so I decided to drive over and hang out in the restaurant¡¯s parking lot at a half past eight. The night had a beauty all its own to it for me as the rain fell poetically around me. I even threw in a couple of the CD¡¯s Anya burned for me to listen to while I waited. I didn¡¯t want her to know I was outside as I didn¡¯t want to infringe upon her time with friends. She planned this time to spend with them, not with me, and I wanted to respect it and not intrude upon it, but to know she was close to me felt better than waiting at my apartment in an all too common anxious state. At a half past nine, after an hour passed, I texted to let her know it was raining and I hoped she had an umbrella.
ANYA: ¡°It is? Still here.¡±
ME: ¡°Yes. It¡¯s coming down pretty good. Enjoy your time with your girlfriends, babe.¡±
I thought the restaurant closed earlier on Sunday nights, but when the clock struck ten thirty, I began to feel embarrassed. What if it didn¡¯t close until midnight? I didn¡¯t want to bug Anya at all because it would make it seem like she had to hurry up, and I had no right to expect that from her. Fifteen minutes later, however she emerged among twelve other girls as the rain forced them quickly to their cars and unable to carry on any extended conversations outside. I then flashed my lights as I was parked near her car but far away enough for them not to notice me, and as Anya got inside her car she acknowledged she knew where I was. We both sat in our cars and watched one by one, her girlfriends drive off the parking lot, and when the last one was completely out of sight, I dove near Anya¡¯s car so I could hand off her gift. Before I could get out to do so, she jumped out of her car and into my passenger seat. We then began to kiss each other without a moment¡¯s consideration to why I was in the parking lot to begin with, and it just warmed my heart to see she couldn¡¯t control herself when she saw me, as if she anticipated seeing me as much as I did. She kissed my chest a few times and as she buried her head against it, I held her almost in tears to think I nearly gave this all up just a day or two ago. Being together like this cured all. When together, absolutely nothing mattered. As if nothing could ever keep us apart. Not kids. Not an authoritarian husband. Not judging friends or family. Not false perceptions. Like the rain that fell upon us, the truth reigned and rained down as it brought our love to life. Whenever I felt Anya¡¯s love like this, a love so undeniable and real, I felt awful about all the negative thoughts I had. How could I make such assessments when the truth laid in my arms? With its beautiful head nestled in my chest? All because she went home to her kids didn¡¯t mean she loved me any less than I loved her. The entire day, under the falling rain, brought to light all I ever believed in. That love did conquer all in the end because love was truth. What I held in my arms was the truth. Minutes I didn¡¯t expect to have with her, she gave to me so willingly, as I knew we shared the same pain, the same fear, the same love.
As Anya left, I handed her the gift, but it felt like the one who received a gift. She graciously received my gift, gave me an extended hug, told me she loved me forever, and then reluctantly got into her car and drove home. I felt so elated, I stayed in the parking lot another fifteen minutes, in company of the sound of falling rain, in case she came back. About a half hour later though, when I was in my bed, she sent me a text.
ANYA: ¡°I love it! Thank you!!! I love you!¡±
ME: ¡°I¡¯m glad you love them! I love you too, babe!¡±
The next morning, after a good night¡¯s rest because of all Anya gave me on a day her friends celebrated her birthday, and as I prepared for another stressful Monday at work, Anya sent me a text.
ANYA: ¡°Hasn¡¯t stopped raining. Naturally I thought about yesterday. I love that you light your candles for us. So romantic. I love all my gifts. You went overboard!¡±
ME: ¡°I wish I could have gotten you more! I¡¯m just happy you love them babe. I¡¯m lucky you appreciate the simple things I do.¡±
ANYA: ¡°You know it¡¯s true love when all u need is rain, candles and each other.¡±
ME: ¡°That¡¯s why we feel as strongly as we do for each other. The simple things bring us the most joy. I really miss you.¡±
ANYA: ¡°I so miss you too. I have my music on and I have one of the candles burning. Will think of u all day. Going to work in home office. Lots to do. I love you!¡±
ME: ¡°Sounds perfect, babe. I love you too!¡±
Although I didn¡¯t hear back from her for the rest of the day, the beauty of the day before and her happiness made the day a good one for me regardless as it felt good to be on the positive path once again.
I even stayed on a positive trajectory when I didn¡¯t hear from her until the late afternoon of the following day.
ANYA: ¡°Btw I loved the butterfly gift bag w/pink sparkly tissue paper! You¡¯re so cute!¡±
ME: ¡°They didn¡¯t have a pink gift bag for my best friend, but luckily there was sparkly pink tissue paper there.¡±
ANYA: ¡°You¡¯re my best friend too. I love you forever. P.S. maybe u should be shot for being in love with me! JK!¡±
After I read Anya¡¯s ¡°joke¡±, I couldn¡¯t help but feel it ruined a good moment for me. How it went from feeling she saw I paid attention to ¡°the little things about her¡±, to being ¡°crazy¡±, even ¡°psychotic¡± for falling in love with her. As if she was not responsible in any way shape or form for the growth of my feelings for her. When your heart is deeply intertwined with another, jokes carry a sensitive truth. I wanted to stay with the positive vibes I felt, even as her silence continued, but her remark blinded me with honesty about how she viewed my love for her, and also in essence, my belief in love. So, I responded to her ¡°joke¡± accordingly.
ME: ¡°Should I?¡±
ANYA: ¡°NO!¡±
Her ¡°NO¡±, in caps did not bring me any relief as it gave me the impression, she really think I should be shot for falling in love with her. That she thought our love was ¡°crazy¡± and not rational at all given the circumstances. What truly bothered me about her borderline schizophrenic behavior was a lack of acknowledgement in her role for the reason why I fell in love with her. As if I should have known better even after she told me I broker her heart when I walked away from her. And even after I felt she completely led me to feel all I did for her regardless of what her friends, family and kids would think of her, and that felt like a great white shark just sunk its teeth into my skin.
ANYA: ¡°You¡¯re kidding, right?¡±
ME: ¡°Of course I am.¡±
If she only knew how I felt when I drove over the bridge at the same time she revealed her holiday plans. Although, I felt I¡¯d never take my life, I also couldn¡¯t say I never felt like taking it, especially if I lost the only love I ever wanted to feel or know. I felt like Jay Gatsby when he commented how he might have still been a great man if he hadn¡¯t lost Daisy, the love of his life, and those words encapsulated how I felt without Anya. How greatness would forever be elusive, unable to be grasped again. Like her love corrupted him for all others.
I didn¡¯t just feel, but I knew this was my last shot at the love I always believed in, and if I lost Anya, I would never be courageous enough to have it again because its allure and power wrecked me forever, and I¡¯d be too fearful to ever venture back. There was too much at stake for me now. I came into our relationship with the purest, most sincere heart, with the only true desire to see her happy in life again, but this time for a lifetime, but now my own happiness drowned in my own blood, something I didn¡¯t really expect to feel the importance of until now; until the day I drove over that three hundred foot tall marine colored conduit and learned how to get to the top of it, quickly and decisively if I had to escape a life without her in it.
ANYA: ¡°Not funny! U know I already think you¡¯re a little crazy!¡±
ME: ¡°I¡¯m sorry babe. I was kidding though. Do you really think I¡¯m crazy?¡±
ANYA: ¡°I was kidding, kind of.¡±
Was this the reason she didn¡¯t know? That she thought not only I, but our entire relationship was ¡°crazy¡±? Did she think I was crazy because I believed in love even after she told me she believed in our love? Was this a microcosm of what love has come to in this day and age? That anyone who truly believed in it could not be of sound mind? How come Anya wouldn¡¯t also consider what I thought was truly crazy? That she would stay married to a man who had completely disrespected her? Who disrespected her before they were married then cheated on her several times afterwards? After all we¡¯ve shared, and after close we¡¯ve become, how could she still be married to him? What was so sane about that truth taken in consideration his infidelities led her into the arms of two other men? Even leading to a love with one she never knew existed? Was I crazy for trusting her? For trusting all she shared with me would lead to a promise we both deserved?
Fear pushed its way through as I wondered if there was something I didn¡¯t know, something she did, that would lead her to conclude I was crazy? She asked me to fight for her. I even asked her if she meant it and she told me she did. Then I went out and did. Every single day from that moment on. She told me ¡°kids were resilient and nothing was impossible¡±. I was told she hurt everyday because she missed me so much. I put my faith in her words. Words of intent I believed she meant. So, I stuck it out for her in anticipation of a promise I had yet to receive. If she believed I was crazy, then it would make it easier for her to not follow through. Her perception of my craziness her out. Did Anya make people crazy on purpose then refer to them as ¡°stalkers¡± and ¡°psychos¡± without any regard to her actions?
But if I was crazy, she certainly wasn¡¯t exempt.
ME: ¡°Well, you think being in love is crazy so I can see why you think I¡¯m a little crazy then.¡±
ANYA: ¡°No I don¡¯t!¡±
Seconds After I read her text, I noticed an incoming call from her.
¡°Hi babe.¡± I picked up.
¡°I don¡¯t think being in love is crazy.¡± she responded.
¡°Are you sure?¡±
¡°Why would you ask that?¡±
¡°It just sometimes feels that way to me.¡±
¡°What makes you think that way?¡±
¡°I don¡¯t think you¡¯re used to being loved so you think anyone who loves you is crazy.¡± I explained. ¡°And you have to know that¡¯s crazy in and of itself.¡±
¡°Let me tell you where I¡¯m coming from. Me and my laser treatment girl have gotten pretty close over the last few months.¡± she told me. ¡°She shared a story with me about her non-committing boyfriend. She decided to give him a forty day break and after forty days passed, he called her back telling her he missed her, and they got back together, but after that nothing changed and they just broke up again.¡±
I kept mute as her story appeared to imply that I should give her a forty day break and see what happened. Anya was non-committal too. That I was crazy for not implementing this. That it was abnormal not to, but at this point being apart for her was like stowing away a wheel chair from a paraplegic. Anya tried to break up with me before but could never stop texting me. In fact, she showed more love after we ¡°BU¡¯d¡±. But if she viewed staying in this because I cared about the pain she felt was crazy, then maybe they should throw me in the same cell with Charles Manson? I fought for her because I remembered her tears when she left the dinner table in front of her family. I remembered the time she ran outside and sat in her car with the idea of running away for good as her son cried for her to stay. I remembered how hard she cried heartily on the phone during her cousin¡¯s wedding night. I believed in her words ¡°I want to wear your ring¡±. I evoked all her tears more than I counted the times she brought me pain in her silence. We didn¡¯t need a one day break, let alone a forty day pause, to only learn what we already knew without it. Love didn¡¯t break away or abandon people. Love didn¡¯t run and hide away. Love revealed itself and showed its hand. I loved her way too much and I already felt enough pain already, I didn¡¯t need to send either one of us to the gas chamber. We¡¯ve come too far. Shared too much. Her laser treatment girl is with someone who is non-committal because he doesn¡¯t love her so I couldn¡¯t see the parallel. When you love someone, a commitment is too easy. Maybe this was Anya¡¯s way of telling me she didn¡¯t love me? Maybe that¡¯s why she was non-committal? If this was true, then she had an obligation to tell me so, and not simply ask me to give her a forty day break with the ulterior motive to abandon me.
¡°Well, she gave him a forty day break because she knew the truth, babe.¡±
¡°What¡¯s the truth?¡± she asked.
¡°He didn¡¯t truly love her.¡± I said. ¡°because if he did, he would have committed.¡±
¡°You think so?¡± she asked.
¡°It¡¯s like your husband.¡± I said. ¡°For the same reason you don¡¯t kiss him back. For the same reason you don¡¯t return his ¡°I love you¡±¡¯s. For the same reason that led you to me. I meant it the first night I met you. I don¡¯t believe love cheats as much as it doesn¡¯t fear a commitment of any kind. Love knows no fear.¡±
¡°I love you.¡± she said in compliance.
¡°I love you too.¡±
I didn¡¯t hear back from her for the rest of this day, but I felt good about how we ended a conversation that almost went too far south for me emotionally.
The following morning, the seventeenth one of December, I received a text from Anya. A now rare morning occurrence.
ANYA: ¡°Good morning! Cold and rainy babe.¡±
Ensure your favorite authors get the support they deserve. Read this novel on Royal Road.
ME: ¡°Good morning! Then you know I¡¯ll be thinking of you. How r u?¡±
ANYA: ¡°I¡¯m good. Have to go into corporate after drop off. I¡¯m sure I¡¯ll run into traffic. Better grab a coffee for the road. Of course, the rain makes me think of you too. How r u?¡±
ME: ¡°I¡¯m good. I have my company Christmas party tonight. Part of me doesn¡¯t want to go.¡±
ANYA: ¡°Why not? It should be fun.¡±
ME: ¡°Oh, don¡¯t get me wrong, they usually are. I don¡¯t know. I¡¯m sure I¡¯ll have a good time when I get there.¡±
The night of the firm Christmas party was undoubtedly the most meaningful holiday party I ever attended as the firm planned to announce, anticlimactically only to myself, who the next partner of the firm would be. I should have been so excited. It should have been the greatest night of my life, but it wasn¡¯t because the one I wanted to share this accomplishment with the most could not be there. And it broke my heart like every holiday party before it; like every wedding reception, and every family outing usually did. People never understood at parties why I would leave early, or disappear for a while, but I hated to be that guy. The fifth wheel. The ultra sore thumb. The guy everyone wanted to ¡°set up¡± because he was such a ¡°nice guy¡±. It just made me want to be the biggest dick imaginable. I got tired of pretending to be content where I was in life but far from. All in all, I was just bummed out I couldn¡¯t really share my promotion with her until June, when the non-disclosure agreement expired, and I officially became a partner of the firm.
Since the company planned to announce my rise through the ranks, I opted to wear a suit to the annual event. Even though it should be the best night of my life, I felt apprehensive, like I didn¡¯t deserve the promotion because I wasn¡¯t the same guy who earned the promotion for the last six months. I fell behind on many engagements and barely kept my head above water. Although I brought in the Caiaphas account, I¡¯ve only been able to add a couple small clients since then, and I didn¡¯t even run the Caiaphas engagement, my mentor and confidant, Kevin did. I felt honored, worthy of recognition but underserving, but this promotion, I knew with absolute certainty, was my key to being with Anya. My one-bedroom apartment would not suffice, I had to offer more or at least be positioned to do so. Without it, I could never ask her to leave Jackson as I¡¯d be an insufficient replacement, and the kids would never see the good in us.
I walked into the party a half hour early so I had a drink and struck a conversation with the human resource administrator who used to refer to me as ¡°admin easy¡± because I never asked her for anything. It was so hectic at the firm the Christmas party usually presented an opportunity to catch up with people in other departments. I then talked with a few tax employees as myself and the new tax partner recalled my first interview with him and how he told me he was frightened of bananas. I found it hysterical that day as he eased my nerves on the first of six interviews for the position of audit staff accountant. We then reminisced about how fast the firm had grown from twenty of us to now over sixty in such a short amount of time. The Enron scandal brought opportunities never before seen to large local firms like ours due to Sarbanes Oxley. In fact, the Caiaphas account normally went to the much larger firms, but there was such a negative stigma after Enron, firms like ours could now compete with the big guys for audit business.
As the evening progressed, I walked over to talk with some of the audit staff members who felt a little out of place because most of them just started with the firm. There were always ¡°newbies¡± every year at the holiday parties because of the high employee turnover in the industry as constant travel and a lack of a work life balance the firm tried to promote, becomes old news. Most don¡¯t stay on the partner track and instead opt for careers as Controllers and Assistant Controllers, after they reach the audit manager level which was usually a six year journey. I tried to integrate the new audit staff with the rest of the firm members as tax and audit employees hardly get to talk to each other during the year. A tradition at my firm was for the newbies to put together a holiday video for the firm to watch during the party. It had to have some sort of theme and was solely produced by the new staff. It was always good for laughs and it helped everyone get to know each other, and feel more comfortable around one another.
When Clyde arrived, I wanted to approach him but decided to keep myself in neutral to give the impression I had no idea about the promotion. To my surprise, I then saw Kevin without his wife, Sadie, a first at a holiday party event. I knew they struggled mightily in the marriage as she pushed for him to provide more, but I couldn¡¯t believe she wouldn¡¯t accompany Kevin regardless.
¡°Hey. Kev.¡±
¡°Land.¡± he said as he extended his hand to mine. ¡°You look dapper tonight.¡±
¡°Thanks.¡± I said. ¡°You¡¯re making me look bad the way you¡¯re dressed tonight.¡±
¡°Ah man. I¡¯ve had this suit for the last five years.¡± he said.
¡°Is Sadie here?¡±
¡°She¡¯s not feeling well tonight.¡± He explained. ¡°She¡¯s been really sick lately.¡±
¡°Sorry to hear that.¡± I said. ¡°I was looking forward to seeing her.¡±
¡°It¡¯s probably better this way. Well, I guess tonight is the big night. The night they introduce to us the next partner of the firm. The next ¡°letter¡± to be added to the name.¡±
¡°There¡¯s quite a few seniors being promoted to manager also.¡± I said as I tried to downplay it all. ¡°Not to mention staff to senior promotions. I think that¡¯s pretty cool too.¡±
¡°I remember those days, but now there¡¯s only one promotion that matters.¡± he responded.
¡°I guess.¡± I said.
¡°I gotta be honest with you Land. I could really use that promotion.¡± he said. ¡°If I don¡¯t get it, I think Sadie will leave me.¡±
¡°Do you really think so?¡± I said with genuine concern.
¡°No doubt.¡± he said as his eyes met mine. ¡°No doubt.¡±
I didn¡¯t know what to say. That I knew, unless they promoted both of us, he would not be the one promoted. Kevin¡¯s revelation made me want to approach Clyde to talk him out of it. To tell him, Kevin deserved it more than I did. It was Kevin who taught me all I knew about accounting. This promotion happened only because of what I learned through Kevin. But I knew his mind had been made up. He knew I could do the one thing Kevin couldn¡¯t do, bring in business like the Caiaphas Property Group. And even though I felt it unfair, I needed this as badly now as my love for Anya stopped me from formally withdrawing my name for partner consideration. I had to let the Universe, my fate and destiny, take hold of the moment I probably was never in control of anyway; a pawn in the part of a master plan.
Shortly after my conversation with Kevin, we were seated and dinner was served. After we ate, talked and laughed as the drinks went down joyously, and after the HR Director played the new staff Christmas video for our entertainment, Clyde approached the front of the room, and began to address us all.
¡°I hope everyone had enough to eat tonight.¡± Said Clyde as a comment about having to work off some weight now flew his way. ¡°Thank you all for being here this evening to celebrate another year as we get ready to roll into another busy season in just a couple of weeks. This year the firm has seen unprecedented growth. We went from forty employees last year at this time now to sixty-four. We have seen both audit and tax revenue triple since last year and we had to hire more people to sustain this growth. Regardless of the increase in payroll costs, we are more profitable than ever before because of our record revenue. In fact, our industry has never seen this much growth and we will continue to see it, and expand in order to sustain it. With this growth however comes opportunity and we have promoted several people this year. Please stand up when I call your name. Sarah. Jennifer, Jason. Joe.¡±
Heads turned as each of the employees rose from their seats.
¡°We¡¯re very proud to announce that these fine young men and women will be promoted to audit seniors starting January first of this year.¡± He said to a round of applause. ¡°Thank you for your hard work and your commitment to our success. Congratulations to all of you. Well deserved.¡±
As I applauded their efforts, it made me proud to see their success as I helped mentor all of them, and they were all sharp hard working kids I admired in a lot of ways, who I could imagine working next to them years down the road as future partners and managers. Kevin then leaned into me.
¡°You pretty much mentored all of them, didn¡¯t you?¡± he asked.
¡°For the most part, in some way.¡± I said.
¡°I think Jackson Caiaphas, your buddy, offered Sarah a job last week.¡±
¡°Let him know he can¡¯t have my prot¨¦g¨¦, sorry.¡± I joked.
¡°I¡¯ll let him know.¡±
¡°Tell him it came straight from Landman.¡±
¡°Ha! Will see that he gets Landman¡¯s message personally.¡±
¡°I appreciate that.¡±
After Clyde finished his announcement of these promotions, he turned his attention to the biggest promotion of the night, and as I sat next to Kevin, I began to dread the moment rather than celebrate it.
¡°Now this brings me to our final promotion announcement. As you know John Sunland is retiring this year, and I would like to personally thank you John for all your contributions to the firm over the last twenty-seven years. You have been a godsend and really saying ¡°thank you¡± does no justice for all you¡¯ve done to help the firm¡¯s success. You are a big reason for us being in the position we are in today, and we all wish you the best in your retirement. I will be living vicariously through you for at least another five years you can count on that.¡±
¡°I don¡¯t know how he lasted that long.¡± said Kevin to me.
¡°Me neither.¡± I responded.
¡°To replace John is no easy task.¡± Continued Clyde. ¡°He is pretty much irreplaceable, but the firm is blessed to have an individual who I feel could step in and contribute immediately. This individual, our colleague, will be the first person we ever promoted to partner who hasn¡¯t been with the firm for at least ten years. In just six years, this young man I feel has embodied everything our firm stands for. His commitment to excellence, his loyalty to the firm, his ability to sell our firm¡¯s services, his accounting aptitude, his attitude, a personality that helped bridge gaps between tax and audit team members and his professionalism in how he carries himself is first rate and second to none. He just stands out as the most logical choice to succeed John, and it¡¯s not even close. I would like to introduce you all to the firm¡¯s next partner, Landyn Lastman.¡±
Kevin¡¯s hand pat me square on the back, as I took it as a cue to reluctantly rise from my seat, as others began to stand as well to applaud me. As the room got louder and more electric, I found it hard to believe I made this much of an impact in my career as I fought off the tears. I imagined Anya stood next to me with as much pride as I stood before them with. Not everyone stood, most people didn¡¯t while they applauded as I noticed Kevin was one of those people, but I could definitely understand the bitter sweetness of the moment for us both. After the applause died down Clyde asked for the firm members to keep this quiet until June, as our clients didn¡¯t know John retired yet. When Clyde returned to his seat, Kevin reached his hand out to me, and was the first to congratulate me.
¡°Thanks.¡± I responded as I sensed the disappointment in his tone.
My colleagues, even those far across the room came over to congratulate me. Many of them hugged me and were genuinely excited about working for me instead of only with me which caught me by surprise as a few stray tears rolled down my cheek. I guess it felt good to know how much I was admired at the firm, even by people I thought could care less about me. When the night was over, I got into my car and reflected back on the moment. I couldn¡¯t truly enjoy it as I thought of Kevin¡¯s heartbreak and without Anya there to share the moment with me. I worked hard for this. Put in a ton of hours, and even used it as motivation to prove Denise wrong about me. To prove to her and myself that she blew it by being superficial, but in the end, after all was said and done, I only cared about what Anya thought. I only cared about the need of this promotion to save her. That¡¯s all it meant to me as all along I lost all these hours to work only to keep the love of my life in my life forever. If I hadn¡¯t met Anya, I would have implored Clyde to give the promotion to Kevin or I¡¯d quit. The promotion didn¡¯t matter to me. Anya¡¯s happiness was the only thing that mattered to me, and without her in my life, this promotion, this huge moment, meant nothing. As I focused on these thoughts, I received a text from the reason for my drive and ambition.
ANYA: ¡°How was the party?¡±
ME: ¡°It was fun, babe. Wish you could have been with me. It would have made the night that much better. R u all cozy and warm in your fuzzies? It¡¯s still raining. I¡¯m going to go home and shower. Wish we could shower together. I miss you.¡±
ANYA: ¡°Yes fuzzies! A hot shower w/u on a rainy night sounds perfect. I miss u too.¡±
ME: ¡°Could you imagine? After a nice hot shower, we¡¯d get to climb into bed and fall asleep together. Can life truly get any better than that on a rainy night?¡±
ANYA: ¡°Can¡¯t top that babe. That¡¯s perfection.¡±
And I ended the ultimate night with the ultimate thought as I believed more than ever, with my promotion now in motion, a hot shower on a rainy night was a real possibility.
When the sun rose, I texted Anya to see what she had planned as I hardly slept the night because of all the adrenaline within me.
ANYA: ¡°Missed u last night too. I¡¯m good. Can¡¯t believe Hanukkah is Sunday and Christmas is next week. I¡¯m going to power shop the next two days! Hard to shop w/friends!¡±
With only a week left until Christmas, she reminded me how much I needed to start my shopping. Later than afternoon, while on my lunch break, I texted Anya but didn¡¯t hear back from her until over two hours later, and I found it strange only because she was shopping by herself.
ANYA: ¡°OMG! Just leaving! Car is full! Great sales!¡±
ME: ¡°Did you get them all wrapped at the store? I think I¡¯m going shopping later after work
ANYA: ¡°I wrap them. I like to wrap them. When r u going shopping?¡±
ME: ¡°Not sure yet.¡±
On this particular evening, shopping would have to wait as duty called as I had to do some extra planning for work due to the upcoming busy season. After I left the office, but before I reached my car, I received a text from Anya.
ANYA: ¡°U must be busy. Have a goodnight, sweets.¡±
ME: ¡°I¡¯m never too busy for you, babe. What r u up to?¡±
ANYA: ¡°Boring Cancer League Xmas party.¡±
ME: ¡°Boring people and conversation?¡±
ANYA: ¡°Yes and old. Hoitie Toitie (sp).¡±
ME: ¡°Hoitie toitie old people definitely a party killer.¡±
ANYA: ¡°Gtg. Sorry they r wondering¡Have a goodnight babe.¡±
ME: ¡°Goodnight Sweetheart.¡±
I¡¯ve never seen the word ¡°hoitie toitie¡± spelled out before, but phonetically I couldn¡¯t imagine it being spelled any other way. Overall, I had a productive day at work even though the rest of the day left me well short of my shopping goal.
The next morning, I felt a rare occurrence of late, contentment. The reservations about her holiday plans seemed to be a distant memory, and I settled into a comfort zone as I kept my eyes and heart on the steel of the Eiffel Tower instead of the steel of a rusted marine green suspension bridge over the Los Angeles harbor. As I clung for dear life to these sudden good feelings, the day would soon challenge my grip on them after I exchanged texts with Anya in the morning.
ANYA: ¡°You¡¯ll be fine babe. I¡¯m feeling rushed now. Behind at work w/getting client gifts out, though not my fault. I might go into work first then power shop.¡±
ME: ¡°How did you fall behind, babe? That¡¯s all you¡¯ve been doing is hustling.¡±
ANYA: ¡°I¡¯ve been riding the assistant about ordering gifts early and she got behind cuz of the move. Guess I can¡¯t blame her either. I need someone to blame!¡±
ME: ¡°Do you get all your clients pretty much the same thing?¡±
ANYA: ¡°Pretty much the same thing for all except for the VIP clients. They get more.¡±
After I heard about her plan for the day, a job an assistant should do, I guess it hurt to see she didn¡¯t curtail her responsibilities to her husband¡¯s business. This same business she told me she was mad at him for making her work at. Somewhere down the line it started to feel like her feelings changed for me. But how would I ever truly know if I knew she would never tell me if they did? As the day carried on and my negative emotions began to gain momentum once more, I reached out to her in order to stymie them. To clandestinely see if she was possibly going crazy over the holiday season in a desperate attempt to prove myself wrong.
ANYA: ¡°No just feeling the holiday pressure. R u?¡±
ME: ¡°Oh no. I¡¯m not going crazy yet.¡±
Even as I sank into a sand pit of my own madness, I tried to hide it from Anya. The holiday season was a stressful time for her, but at the same time, she seemed too vested for me to hope she had any intentions of being with me; let alone to make a promise, but the same minute these negative thoughts jumped through my head, she hit me with something unexpected.
ANYA: ¡°Idk about this weekend cuz booked solid but I may have some time on Monday. I¡¯m taking Katie and her friend shopping. Maybe I can sneak away if you¡¯re free.¡±
When she told me her weekend was ¡°booked solid¡±, it rubbed me the wrong way, and it aggravated me only because how could I let it? It was the holiday season, and I had to understand what she needed to do to hide the truth from Jackson otherwise their holidays could be ruined so close to it. Since I¡¯m sure Katie wanted to spend time with her friend, and probably didn¡¯t want mom hanging around, the hope of Monday replaced my despair of the moment. As the day carried on, and I thought of all the holiday pressure Anya faced, it made me wish I could be with her so she didn¡¯t have to do all the ¡°power¡± shopping. That she didn¡¯t have to carry bags that filled an entire suburban as I imagined the frantic scene at the mall. Where was Jackson? Was his assumed role to keep the bank account full while Anya did all the running around? With the flexibility running his own business provided him, I couldn¡¯t understand this inequitable arrangement between them. As Anya communicated to me after she left the mall with another load of bags in tow, I communicated how I felt about it.
ME: ¡°I wish I could help you with the bags.¡±
ANYA: ¡°Thx that¡¯s so sweet of u! I love you!¡±
Her text didn¡¯t mention ¡°I wished that too¡±, a response to suggest she hoped to be with me one day in order for such an event to take place, as her ¡°that¡¯s so sweet of you¡± started the budding snowball down the mountain as I questioned the real purpose she allowed me into her life.
An hour after I sent her a text she never responded to, I sent her one asking her if she was still shopping. An hour later, she informed me of her whereabouts.
ANYA: ¡°No. Neighbor¡¯s X-mas party.¡±
I not only felt second to her kids now, but also second to everyone in her neighborhood as well as this didn¡¯t sound anything like the Anya I met over a year and a half ago. There was a lot I was beginning not to understand. Why did she ever pursue a relationship with me when she was so vested in her everyday life? How could she share and experience all she did with me just to retreat back into her life as if nothing ever happened between us? I felt our relationship morphed into the series ¡°Survivor¡± as I now endured social events on a nightly basis when she was the only social event in life. What made me even more discouraged was Anya¡¯s only solution if I told her of my pain. Her only remedy; to let me go. And if she could let me go, how could she possibly love me if she could live without me? I¡¯m not saying she didn¡¯t have strong feelings for me, but I had to face a hard truth; they couldn¡¯t be born of a love she told me she believed in.
Anya hid things such as her usual holiday plans because she knew it¡¯s what eventually drove Lance away. If she went out of her way to hide things from me unless I asked about them, I needed to know in advance so they wouldn¡¯t destroy me when I learned of them unexpectedly. I shouldn¡¯t have had to ask about the things she did because how would I know what to ask about? I¡¯m sure she went to this neighbor¡¯s X-mas party each year, and probably with Jackson which bugged me to even think about them perceived as a perfect married couple. What bothered me the most was how she could live such a glorious lie. A little over a year ago, she pursued a full-blown relationship with another man, one in which she never felt closer to another man, and she walked right into that party as if nothing in her life ever changed? The show she put on as Mrs. Jackson Caiaphas slowly began to take a real toll. How could she walk into that party knowing the truth?
I believed Anya wanted to be an honest person, it¡¯s why I gave her a chance, but was she too far gone to be anything but the greatest con-artist? I tried to concentrate on the love for her kids. She didn¡¯t want to shake up their world, and I felt it was a noble cause to put on such an act, as I wasn¡¯t ready to fully label her a total con artist, but I couldn¡¯t say I didn¡¯t feel conned in some way. To her credit, she was always honest with me whenever I asked. When I wondered if she still slept with her husband, she told me the truth knowing my rightful reaction, and I respected her for that. It showed me she would come clean, but at the same time, this needed to be known before I felt a thing for her.
If she went through such great lengths to keep these things from me, why wouldn¡¯t she go through great lengths to make me a promise if she truly didn¡¯t want to lose me? Was this what she did to the man she was engaged to before Jackson came back into her life? Was this what drove him to move out of state? Is this what drove another man to stalk her? Was the only man worthy of Anya was the one obsessed with money and power? Did Anya love without any regards to the feelings and emotions of others? And if they reacted to the way she loved men, she labeled them as ¡°psychos¡± and ¡°stalkers¡±? Did she drive men crazy on purpose to drive them away with less self-worth when all they cared about was hers? Did she use men to get what she needed from them and then shipped them off easily afterwards? Did she ¡°love bomb¡± men to only leave them broken? Was her love the greatest hoax ever pulled?
I didn¡¯t respond to Anya¡¯s as these thoughts began to circulate in my mind like leaves in a tornado. Suddenly, my phone began to ring.
¡°Hey Anya.¡± I said as I picked up the phone. ¡°Did you leave the party?¡±
¡°Hey babe.¡± she said. ¡°No, I¡¯m still here.¡±
¡°How did the shopping go?¡±
¡°Well, It¡¯s actually a shopping spree for employees.¡±
¡°A shopping spree?¡±
¡°Yes, we give each of our employees a five-hundred-dollar shopping spree for the holidays.¡±
¡°No kidding? How many employees do you have?¡±
¡°About fifty in the corporate office.¡±
¡°That¡¯s like twenty-five thousand dollars?¡± I said. ¡°Are you guys hiring?¡±
¡°Ha! Yeah, it¡¯s up there but we value them. I¡¯ll so the same thing for them next year.¡±
Anya¡¯s words stopped me in my tracks as the words ¡°next year¡± stung me.
¡°Next year.¡± I repeated with a heavy heart. ¡°What¡¯s left on your holiday schedule?¡±
¡°Well¡I added some more that would probably upset you.¡±
¡°You think they would hurt me if I actually knew about them?¡±
¡°Probably, yes.¡±
¡°I see.¡±
¡°Do you want to know?¡±
I didn¡¯t know how to respond as I tried to clot the blood that flowed.
¡°If you were me¡¡± I said. ¡°Would you want to know?¡±
¡°No.¡± she said without hesitation. ¡°I wouldn¡¯t want to know.¡±
¡°I trust your judgment.¡± I said. ¡°I better get going. Thanks for calling me.¡±
¡°Okay, have a goodnight.¡±
¡°You too.¡±
At a time, I could have really used something positive, I received words that struck the greatest of fears within me as I felt the cold steel of the gun she put to my head. I didn¡¯t want to say the wrong thing as these negative feelings stole the wheel. It brought me back to when she told me she thought I was a ¡°little crazy¡± as I felt like I was. How could she do this to me? Make plans that would only hurt me? ¡°Her kids¡± I thought. ¡°It¡¯s for her kids¡±, and when I put them in that context I swallowed her additional plans a bit better, but it still hurt to know she could walk into these parties after all we¡¯ve shared and look these people straight to their face and be unfazed. So now if Anya were to leave, the end to the twenty-five-thousand-dollar employee shopping spree would be her fault. It began to appear Anya didn¡¯t need a man who loved her but a confidant who understood why she couldn¡¯t leave her marriage. Who was fine with only having some action on the side, and wouldn¡¯t want anything else for years down the road, if ever at all. After Denise left me I vowed to never be in this position again. I vowed to be an ¡°asshole¡± to women. Instead, I meet Anya who turned my strategy completely around as I thought she would appreciate the value of a ¡°nice¡± man. And I was right, but for only her reasons, and not my own. Here I reverted back to my old self for her to only get schooled once more on how being ¡°nice¡±, even to the ones who I thought would value it, was the wrong thing to do.
I felt she could see me if she really wanted to, but she instead chose either not to, or as little as possible, and once again it appeared money was the be all, end all. That if Jackson couldn¡¯t afford twenty-five-thousand-dollar shopping sprees for his employees, she would have been long gone years ago. She didn¡¯t only stay for the kids, but also for his money and the popularity and respect it gave her from others.
Three hours of sleep on the average a night with a mental profession began to take its toll on me. As much as Anya was torn between me and her kids, I was torn between belief and disbelief. After all we shared, how could I even dare to question Anya¡¯s love for me? How could there be a trace of doubt? Maybe I was crazy? Maybe I was psychotic in some sense? I refused to give up on us for one reason, and for one reason only; I wanted to believe in her love for me and I was wrong to question her. No matter how much I doubted it at times, I wanted to believe. I became a beggar willing to take anything she gave me as hope. A phone call, a text, even a lie at this time was like a meal to get me through the day. I was in too deep not to, at the top of a bridge if I didn¡¯t. I would no longer trust this life. I would no longer trust the universe¡¯s plan for me. I would no longer trust fate or destiny, but only the end of me.
I tried to take my negative thoughts and shake them out of my head and let the next day bring a new sunrise, all its own like a sunset; never the same.
ME: ¡°Good morning! R u alive? Just checking in to see you got back up when you dropped after you shopped. Do you have much left to shop for?¡±
ANYA: ¡°Ha! Well some more shopping today. A couple of open houses tonight. U?¡±
ME: ¡°Just shopping.¡±
After I read Anya¡¯s text, I felt legitimately disheartened, as I began to picture the open houses and the fa?ade that appeared through their doors. I didn¡¯t hear back from her for the entire afternoon, and it made me feel sick enough to my stomach to forgo lunch and dinner as her silence made me feel like I never existed in her life. As if I meant nothing to her and it was all for fun and games. The more I thought about the other holiday plans she added to her list, the more upset with her I became. What she did wasn¡¯t right, and it was undeniable because of the way they made me feel. You just don¡¯t allow someone to develop enormous feelings for you, based on horrible things you communicated in order for them to feel strongly enough to be in this position today, then blow them off as if they didn¡¯t exist. I sincerely cared about her kids. I didn¡¯t want them to be hurt by anything, but that was not one of the rules of engagement when we met. I felt she brought me here, and not only allowed but encouraged me to feel all I did, and to make it me or the kids was absolutely wrong and a betrayal, and I just couldn¡¯t hold it in any longer.
ME: ¡°I¡¯m sorry babe, but I¡¯m curious now. What were those additional plans you made that you said would upset me?¡±
ANYA: ¡°I already told u. I just didn¡¯t want to get into details. Where r u going with this?¡±
ME: ¡°You did? Why would you think I was going anywhere with this? It¡¯s a simple question but if you don¡¯t want to get into details, I understand. When are you going shopping?
ANYA: ¡°Afternoon but have to be quick cuz don¡¯t have much time. U?¡±
ME: ¡°Afternoon as well.¡±
Several sleepless nights have taken its toll on me as I sacrificed my own happiness on a daily basis so she could feel again. Now she was suddenly too busy to talk to me? How could she be afraid of hurting me during the holidays when it felt that¡¯s all she planned to do? I couldn¡¯t believe the frigid way she handled this. With absolutely zero care for how it made me feel, and only how it made her feel. It seemed as long as she could fit me in her schedule, I was easy to love. Knowing full well how full her life was, how could she hide it from me? How could she vest herself even deeper into it after all we shared? Did she basically have zero respect for the feelings and emotions of others? Did she not respect anyone¡¯s heart other than her own? What was her remedy to all I felt now? To push me away? To make my journey to the top of the bridge complete?
At around half past one that afternoon, I decided to go to the mall with the hope to run into her to help curtail the negative feelings that circulated without restraint. I then texted to see if she was there.
ANYA: ¡°I wanted to let u know I was there but we literally rushed in and rushed out. I hope you¡¯re not disappointed.¡±
I wasn¡¯t nearly as bummed until I read the ending of her text; ¡°I hope you¡¯re not disappointed.¡± If she truly loved me, wouldn¡¯t she be just as disappointed? This was not the Anya I knew. The Anya I knew would run out of the store regardless of who she was with to say ¡°hello¡±. This was not the same person who loved me. I went from hero in her eyes to a Tyrannosaurus. Her view of our love was inconsistent with all I was ever told that allowed me to feel all that I did. Feelings that gave me life now took that very life from me. Just a little over a month ago we had our most intimate moment, and now she acted as if it never happened. That I was an apparition. She thrived on a dream while I thrived on reality. Two worlds on the verge of a colossal collision, an outcome determined before the challenge to avoid it. Anya should have been just as disappointed as I was, and she wasn¡¯t at all. In fact, she seemed relieved, while I grieved.
Her text left me empty inside as I left the mall to go home. At this point, I knew I had to question her; this negative energy too intense and meaningful. And when I got inside my apartment, I took a deep breath before I began my message to her.
ME: ¡°I understand you had to rush in and out. Idk, after reading your text it feels u don¡¯t care to see me much anymore. It just seems like you feel differently about me now. Maybe I¡¯m crazy but I have some experience with this and unfortunately it feels awfully familiar. Maybe I¡¯m just having a bad day. I know we are ¡°BU¡¯d¡±.
ANYA: ¡°Call me.¡±
When she picked up the phone, all I heard were two words.
¡°You¡¯re wrong.¡± she said.
¡°I¡¯m not trying to give you a hard time. I know you have a lot on your plate, and I want to be fair but¡I don¡¯t know. You know. I don¡¯t know. It seems like your heart is there. It just doesn¡¯t seem your heart isn¡¯t with me. You¡¯re doing all these things for a man who¡¯s dishonored you and the man who has only honored you is stuck here wishing he could be with you. You know¡how is that right? I¡¯m trying my best to understand the holidays season for you, I think of your kids and it helps me to understand everything you¡¯re doing much better, but that doesn¡¯t mean it still doesn¡¯t hurt. And the crazy thing is I don¡¯t even know what I¡¯m going to feel. It just shows up and then steamrolls over me.¡±
¡°I understand your sadness. I¡¯m in love with you and want to be with you. I think about us in every situation and how great it would be.¡±
¡°I do the same thing.¡± I told her. ¡°Every day.¡±
¡°I fight with the same concerns every day.¡± she reiterated.
¡°But babe, don¡¯t you think these same concerns should have stopped you from seeing me in the first place? They had to have existed before we fell.¡±
¡°I couldn¡¯t help falling in love with you.¡±
¡°Isn¡¯t that more of a reason to listen to yourself though? To trust yourself?¡± I asked.¡± I don¡¯t understand why you aren¡¯t listening to yourself. Don¡¯t you think you couldn¡¯t help falling in love with me for a real reason? Anya, I¡¯m the second guy here. Not the first. This isn¡¯t a mistake. This doesn¡¯t need mulling over. I think a promise should come now, babe. I need you to show me you can¡¯t help trusting yourself too.¡±
¡°When you get sad like this, it breaks my heart.¡± she said. ¡°I don¡¯t know. I think I would be doing you a favor by leaving you completely. I¡¯m only causing pain without any promises of the future.¡±
When she told me this I almost threw up my dinner. I wouldn¡¯t want her to feel any obligation coming from me in the form of a promise because I was ¡°sad¡±, but also what could she expect from me other than the greatest sadness after she loved me with zero restraint? Out of all the douchebags out there, why me? Because I loved deeply because they were too fearful and had enough wisdom to know not to? How else could I have gone into this after all she told me about her husband? Her only remedy was to leave me hurting? How could she ever utter the words ¡°I love you¡± to me and have the audacity to leave me in such a sad state? She had kids before we met and that made this that much harder to understand and to trust in her love for me, but instead of going with this train of thought, I decided to challenge her in a way she could understand.
¡°Then you won¡¯t have to help it. Then you won¡¯t have to trust yourself, right?¡± I asked. ¡°That¡¯s the easy way out, Anya. Is that really your only remedy for this? Your only solution to the sadness I feel is to leave me to feel the ultimate sadness? How is that love? Please make me understand how that is love because that doesn¡¯t feel like love to me. That doesn¡¯t make me sound like I¡¯m ¡°wrong¡± at all for the way I feel. I mean you told me I was ¡°wrong¡± but you¡¯re open to leaving me forever?¡±
¡°It¡¯s the only way I can make your pain go away.¡±
Anya didn¡¯t seem to get it. She didn¡¯t seem to understand how emotions worked nor did she seem to respect them at all, and that feeling alone was the scariest thing I¡¯ve ever faced in my life.
¡°Babe, all this I feel isn¡¯t a faucet of running water. I can¡¯t just turn it off. These feelings are so serious, I feel like you¡¯re giving me a death sentence after allowing me to feel so much for you.¡± I stated. ¡°Just like you couldn¡¯t help falling in love with me, I didn¡¯t have a choice not to fall in love with you.¡±
¡°Please tell me you¡¯re not going to kill yourself or anything.¡± she pleaded.
¡°I would never blackmail you like your husband would, but that¡¯s what leaving you completely feels like; a death sentence. And what¡¯s my crime? Loving you? Caring for you? Trusting you? I don¡¯t get how you could leave me if I¡¯m ¡°sad¡±, and I¡¯m sorry, but that would never feel like love to me, and it shouldn¡¯t feel that way even if I were to abandon you.¡±
¡°I miss you every day. I miss our closeness. I¡¯m sorry but it¡¯s a very busy and difficult time for me right now. I have to be constantly on and not being able to run is really affecting me.¡±
Right when I heard that from her, my negative feelings began to instantly melt away. I had to remember, no matter how much it didn¡¯t feel like love at times, especially when I considered my past that I had to see she struggled too, maybe even as much as I did, if not more. She couldn¡¯t run away and hide what she felt. She had to face people head on and that had to be very hard on her. Her sentimental explanation made me feel bad about my sadness and how it blinded me to consider how different her life was without me. How she had to keep herself busy enough to not be affected by it around her kids. I couldn¡¯t respond as I got lost in this thought.
¡°I will always love you.¡± she told me, conviction in her tone.
¡°Then that¡¯s more of a reason not to give up.¡±
¡°And by the way¡you¡¯re not crazy.¡± she informed me, with a soft tone.
When she said these words to me, a huge smile broke upon my face because she knew how much that worried me without me saying a word.
¡°Hard not to feel that way right now.¡± I said. ¡°I¡¯m sorry for taking you away from your busy day. Thanks for calling me. It helped me to understand things a little bit better from your end. I apologize if I sounded mean to you at all. Just not used to feeling all I feel. Hard to rein it all in, and it gets the best of me. I don¡¯t even feel in control of my emotions and that¡¯s the hardest thing because they paralyze me. Anyway, I ranted lone enough. We¡¯ll talk later about this if we need to. Sorry about this. I love you and miss you.¡±
¡°Thank you. I love you and miss you too. Always.¡± she said sweetly.
¡°Always.¡± I said with moistened eyes but with a smile on my face. ¡°Bye, babe.¡±
¡°Bye.¡±
After our conversation, I felt like I finished a marathon. Emotionally exhausted, I laid back on my recliner and stared into the ceiling until it turned dark. Two hours later, I awoke in a daze, unsure if I was in a dream state or awake. I sleepwalked to the bathroom and caught myself in front of the mirror to study my face and build. I hadn¡¯t been to the gym in over a week, something I did five times a week, as my body appeared less defined. I even noticed bags under my eyes for the first time and some gray hairs that weren¡¯t there over a year ago. As I dipped my toe deeper into the waters of reality, I thought about our phone conversation to consider some of the things she said, particularly how she found leaving me would be the solution to my sadness rather than to promise to be with me. After all we shared? After all the love? The pregnancy scare? After all the hopes, wishes and dreams? As I sat there in deep contemplation, she surprised me from what had to be one of her open houses.
ANYA: ¡°U ok?¡±
ME: ¡°I¡¯m ok. Just hope you¡¯re not worried about me.¡±
ANYA: ¡°How could I not? We¡¯re one babe.¡±
ME: ¡°I know babe, but I want you to enjoy your time at the open houses.¡±
ANYA: ¡°I haven¡¯t stopped worrying since this afternoon.¡±
ME: ¡°I know I said it felt like a ¡°death sentence¡± but please don¡¯t I¡¯m going to do anything stupid, and if I ever did, it wouldn¡¯t be your fault anyway. That was a selfish thing to say and I apologize.¡±
ANYA: ¡°I wasn¡¯t worried about that. Ur not selfish. Ur a noble person and I know that. I was just worried about u being sad.¡±
ME: ¡°Babe, I¡¯m going to be sad when we¡¯re apart. It¡¯s just the way it is. Please don¡¯t worry about that.¡±
ANYA: ¡°How can I make that stop?¡±
I wanted to respond in so many ways as she opened the ¡°promise¡± floodgate yet again, but I chose to take the high road instead, afraid to ¡°rock the boat¡± as I began to feel like Jackson probably did.
ME: ¡°I think I¡¯m just always meant to hurt. No matter what.¡±
ANYA: ¡°Why do you say that babe?¡±
ME: ¡°I guess the more things change the more they stay the same? I can¡¯t explain it, but no matter what I do for women, I just always end up being hurt.¡±
ANYA: ¡°Have I hurt you more than anyone else? If I did it wasn¡¯t because I don¡¯t love you. I love you to death and it¡¯s my selfishness and fear that is making you suffer. I¡¯m sorry.¡±
ME: ¡°I guess I don¡¯t understand how you could be brave enough to tell your own husband you¡¯re not in love with him. How you¡¯re brave enough to not kiss him. You¡¯re even brazen enough to have an affair and a full blown relationship with two different men yet you¡¯re not brave enough to do the right thing and end your marriage to him. I know you love me but honestly, I feel like a casualty of your love at times.¡±
I felt bad after I sent this off, but it was too late as I fell victim to the arctic world of electronic communication. Her response to me was very sweet and not deserving of the text I sent, but now a price had to be paid.
ANYA: ¡°Wow. Really? Victim? Ur right. I¡¯m a braveless, terrible, miserable person. I¡¯m sorry for falling in love with you. I¡¯m sorry for loving you. I¡¯m sorry for everything.¡±
I now felt worse than I ever did as our love now faced its greatest test yet.
CHAPTER 27 ~ WONDER WOMEN
¡°It¡¯s so typical, love leads to isolation.¡±
~ ¡°Separate Lives¡± Marilyn Martin & Phil Collins
The hardest part of missing someone you love so much, in this kind of situation, was to empower your partner and to not find fault in them. Always being willing to bend, but never break, and to provide them with an unlimited supply of the benefit of the doubt. Crossroads filled my path as Anya¡¯s holiday plans intensified. I understood why she had to go through with them yet it still made me like the biggest baby, and jerk, to let them affect me. The last thing I wanted to do was criticize and judge her for something she had to do. I only wanted to empower her, but the constant yearning and need for her in my everyday life overwhelmed me as the pain from my past failed relationships began to resurface. And I had a hard time not feeling more jaded by her holiday plans, as it felt like I relived every heart ache and heart break I ever had. Could Anya understand why my heart broke with every holiday plan she made? I understood she had to make them, but why add to the list if she already knew they hurt me? Leaving the only remedy for me is to feel even more pain by ending our relationship? Was this a game to her? Even though I wished I never texted what I did because of her reaction, I couldn¡¯t hide the truth of how I truly felt. Like a dam ready to burst, my heart could only take so much of this loneliness. Something someone in love should never feel.
She deserved honesty from me, but how could she be so contradictive? She took the biggest risk here. The biggest gamble a married person could take. An even most courageous act by defying her husband regardless of if he knew she was having a relationship with another man, yet she was still afraid to do the right thing and end her marriage? The kids had to be witness to the tension at home. Wouldn¡¯t they thank her for being honest with him? By living a complete lie, a completely false existence, what did she prove to them? Anya made my case for leaving Jackson with every text she ever sent me and every visit she ever made to see me. How could she be so blind to this truth? A truth her very own? What was she holding on to when mothers have left for a lot less? Was there something else I didn¡¯t know that kept her there? Was it really his money? His sphere pf influence. His friends? Was it her image? Her reputation? Was it a loss of power? Were her fake friends more important to impress than her best friend? Did she fear for her life? What put fear in her mind even as she lived so outrageously yet so courageously?
I didn¡¯t hear back from Anya for the rest of the evening even after I apologized to her. I loved her. If I believed she was a ¡°braveless and miserable person¡±, I wouldn¡¯t have fought so hard for her. I¡¯ve seen and felt her love so I knew she had it in her. I didn¡¯t want to pull or push, which it appeared to her I did, but I had to find a way to empower her. She knew I¡¯d be there for her in every way, but I had to build her up, not tear her down. And most importantly, I couldn¡¯t let my pain of missing derail her.
I was relieved to hear from her when she texted me later the next morning.
ANYA: ¡°I hope ur ok.¡±
ME ¡°I¡¯m just worried about you. Don¡¯t worry about me, babe.¡±
ANYA: ¡°If ur not ok I¡¯m not ok.¡±
ME ¡°Then I¡¯m fine babe. Just want you to be too. R u shopping today?¡±
ANYA: ¡°No not today. I¡¯ve had it w/people.¡±
Her ¡°I¡¯ve had it with people¡± revelation brought a smile and after I read her texts, I felt a lot better, as the world seemed to be spin right for me once again. To hear such a social person tell me she¡¯s ¡°had it with people¡±, warmed me up on the shortest day of the year, December twenty-first. She even gave my fast beating heart more good news.
ANYA: ¡°Want to meet for tea?¡±
ME: ¡°Yes please.¡±
It¡¯s all I wanted and needed from her. She didn¡¯t have to drop her holiday plans. I knew their importance for her, for her kids, and I respected that. I just needed her to show some respect for a heart that ached for her. If her heart broke each time I got sad then my heart crumbled into pieces before hers had a chance to break. She had to understand any time spent apart from her was going to make me sad, and it¡¯s why I had to stop seeing her on my lunch breaks. It¡¯s not that I wanted to stop seeing her, but the sadness overwhelmed me when I returned to work, a mental profession I¡¯ve worked very hard towards. Years of school and years of traveling. Years of looking stupid at times in front of hostile clients led me to the promotion of a lifetime. To be frank, it was a miracle Clyde hadn¡¯t called me out on my lack of focus yet. How I¡¯ve been able to pull this off for this long would have even baffled Houdini.
I suffered great mental distress because of the way I chose to love people. The only way I knew how; to love them deeply without reservations. If I couldn¡¯t do that, then I had no business being in a relationship with them if I couldn¡¯t trust in their love for me. No matter how many times I¡¯ve been burned, I went right back to the old Landyn way of loving; all heart, no mind. I couldn¡¯t believe, nor did I want to believe, this wasn¡¯t love. I wanted to trust Anya. I wanted to believe she wanted and wished to be with me. Whenever I didn¡¯t feel this, I gave into fear until I did, but even in my greatest moments of doubt, I always still believed simply because I wanted to. The benefit of the doubt always hers as I saw more fault in the way I reacted to things she did, than any fault of her own for doing them. Sure, I had my theories, but I only had them in the hope of being wrong. I wanted to be a fool for my fears as every day I felt grateful for her love, even in my darkest times, the darkest moments I ever experienced in any of my previous relationships by far.
On this day, she made time for me, but mostly for us, as we met for the sixty ninth time. When I saw my appearance in the mirror as I got ready, I almost text her to bail on her. My face appeared gaunt, the bags under my bloodshot eyes hung low, and I felt soft. I didn¡¯t want her to see me this way as I barely ate nor went to the gym over the last two weeks; so distraught over her holiday schedule. However, I feared this would probably be my last chance to see her before her skiing trip so I put a few extra splashes of Issey Miyake and headed out the door to meet the one who rendered me breathless. When I parked at the Good Morning Caf¨¦ lot, I received a call from her, a frantic one in nature.
¡°What¡¯s wrong, babe?¡± I asked with great concern she would bail on me.
¡°I¡¯m lost!¡± she said.
¡°Where are you?¡±
¡°I¡¯m on Westminster.¡±
¡°What are you by?¡±
¡°A Union Seventy Six gas station.¡±
¡°Tell me the next cross street you pass.¡±
¡°Ok¡wait a second. I can¡¯t see it.¡±
¡°Take your time, babe.¡±
¡°Bayside.¡±
¡°You¡¯re going the right way. Just keep on Westminster and then make a right on Sprigg and you¡¯ll see it.¡± I said as I waited about thirty seconds before I spoke again. ¡°I see you.¡±
¡°Oh, there you are! Hi babe! I¡¯ll see you in a sec!¡±
¡°Ok, bye!¡±
Here I nearly found myself bailing on her, and a call like this put me on edge as I feared she would actually go through with it.
After she sprang out of her car and into mine, I held her hand as I drove us to our park, Cascade Park. As I felt her hand in mine, I thought about how these meetings have changed over time as there was now an equal chance of having the best day of my life or the worst day of my life. I had an extremely difficult time apart from her, and I couldn¡¯t deny it was only getting worse. In all my previous relationships, I was fine with the down time in between, but any distance in this relationship tore me into pieces. As much as she loved me, I couldn¡¯t hold onto the security her love should have brought me, as I believed a promise would at least rest my mind about the unknown variable in her life that shook mine. Those things she chose not to tell me that I would only know if I asked about. And when you didn¡¯t know what to ask about, the unknown variable strangled me as it was easy to get lost. To feel distant from her. To even feel the love, she felt for me, wasn¡¯t love at all. The toll her holiday plans took on me not only threatened to destroy us, but also me. Her love left me crippled mentally and emotionally as I became a fallen prey to the unrelenting lions of an aggressive despair.
When we reached our destination and she came into my arms, these very thoughts ran through my head. What would she do to make me mentally stronger and capable of cultivating positive thoughts instead of dwelling in the house of negativity? The fact I had her in my arms gave me the strength to believe she would find a way, and when we kissed, I pretended to tickle her as she started flail at me with soft hits on my chest in kind. As our kissing intensified, as it inspired soft moans from her, I came to the conclusion this was the best December twenty first I ever experienced.
She then suddenly pulled away and reached into her purse to pull a small bag with a tag that swung bag and forth as she handed it to me.
¡°Merry Christmas!¡± she said joyfully.
¡°You didn¡¯t have to do this.¡± I said in shock.
¡°I know, but I wanted to. I love you.¡±
¡°I love you, too.¡± I said.
¡°Open it up!¡± she exclaimed in excitement.
I couldn¡¯t remember the last time I received a Christmas gift from a girlfriend. It had been that long. So long, I didn¡¯t know how to act, but I couldn¡¯t be happier it came from her.
¡°If you insist!¡± I said.
¡°I hope you like it.¡±
¡°Of course, I¡¯m going to like it. It came from you.¡± I said as I then realized what it was. ¡°Wow. I¡¯ve been wanting one of these for a long time.¡±
¡°It surprised me you didn¡¯t have an Ipod.¡±
¡°This is very generous of you.¡±
¡°This one is the one that has the most memory so you can even upload DVD¡¯s too!¡±
¡°Really? Even King Kong?¡±
¡°Even King Kong!¡± she giggled.
I couldn¡¯t hold back my smile, I knew this cost a small fortune for her, but when I read the tag attached to the bag, in her own handwriting, I got choked up.
¡°Thank you for all the joy and happiness you¡¯ve brought into my life. I love you, forever.¡± ` ~ Anya
¡°No offense to the pen you bought me, but this is the greatest gift I¡¯ve ever received from someone. Thank you so much.¡± I said as I looked in her eyes with all the sincerity in the world. ¡°I love you forever too.¡±
¡°You¡¯re most welcome! I love you very much.¡± she said as she came into my arms. ¡°I¡¯m sorry for all the pain I¡¯ve caused.¡±
I then began to kiss her as I fought back the tears that fell as I felt awful about all my negative thoughts, every single one of them and the hard time I gave her about them as the moment gripped me. Her apology meant the world to me; that she understood my struggle and why I reacted the way I did.
¡°I¡¯m sorry for all the pain I¡¯ve caused you too.¡± I said. ¡°I know this isn¡¯t easy on you too.¡±
¡°I hope you don¡¯t think I¡¯m stringing you along. I¡¯m in love with you.¡± she said as she looked softly and warmly in my eyes. ¡°I can¡¯t fake that. I don¡¯t know if you could ever truly understand my position. I love you.¡±
Anya opened up to me often through her text messages, but what she said to me held the most weight due to the dire need to hear these words at a time her commitment to Jackson took her from me. My negative thoughts never felt more powerful than they did at this time, and for her to make time for me today, and for her to say what she did no longer hidden behind the technological terror known as the cell phone, baptized me; I¡¯ve never had someone love me this much who I felt the same way about. At times, it was hard to fully accept, but I had to learn. I had to trust more and I had to believe in love more than I ever did before.
I don¡¯t think Anya ever could understand how beautiful she was in my eyes and how much she meant to me. She reset a bar that was already high to begin with, and she truly was my soulmate. I knew it the minute she loved me, and all the ways she chose to. She never had to say ¡°I love you¡± in order for me to feel her love. And maybe she was right; I could never truly understand her position. But I hoped she could truly understand my position now, and how much her beauty and love meant to me. I would never tell her how much it meant to me, because if I did she might be moved to love me only out of obligation, and I didn¡¯t want that, but I knew I¡¯d be in the fight of my life without her in it.
¡°I try everyday to understand your position babe. I want you to do the things you have to do and not have to worry about me, but it¡¯s tough when I love you so much especially when I know I¡¯ve brought joy and happiness in your life, things I think you deserve to have.¡± I said as I cupped my hand to her face. ¡°I trust you because I don¡¯t think you¡¯d be able to fake this. I just hope you know I¡¯m for real and I would never do anything intentionally to hurt you. I care about you too much. You¡¯ve brought just as much joy and happiness into my life too, things I¡¯d never thought I was worthy of ever feeling. But I do now though all because of you. I just hope you can understand my position too.¡±
Her lips then fell into mine as if it was the first time we kissed, and when our time together ended, and I embarked on a lonely road home even as cars made the traffic cumbersome, I began to contemplate all the reasons I couldn¡¯t give up on her. I got involved only because of her husband¡¯s remorseless cheating and all the other ways he had emotionally abused her. My own father never disrespected my mother in this kind of manner and that led me to further believe this was not a normal marriage by any stretch of the imagination. I didn¡¯t believe she would be a better person and mother with Jackson than she would be without him. I saw the bigger picture and not the short-term reaction to the end of their marriage. I saw everyday how much having a real love in her life meant to her, and I would walk through the darkest hell for her to have heaven one day. The more I thought about my reasons for being in Anya¡¯s life, the more justified I felt. One thing was certain though, Jackson and I were on, and neared, a collision course. Not in the physical sense, but in the ideal sense. I felt he believed the man Anya was seeing didn¡¯t know about his infidelities, and I wanted him to know it¡¯s exactly why I chose to be in her life. Why I loved her. Yes, Anya was as beautiful as they came. Michael Buble didn¡¯t feel compelled to bring her on stage and sing his entire set list to her all night in front of thousands for nothing, but that wasn¡¯t the reason I feel in love with Anya. This love was much more than skin deep, and it extended beyond the graying of hair and the inelasticity of the skin. I simply could never feel more for another human being.
That evening, a cozy one, I played around with my Ipod as I couldn¡¯t wait to get songs downloaded on it. I then began the second book of the ¡°Twilight¡± series, as I lit a candle and crashed in my bed. After I reached page one hundred, I realized Anya had text me.
ANYA: ¡°I think I¡¯m coming down w/something. I hope I didn¡¯t give it to u.¡±
ME: ¡°In the improbable event your malady did bust through my imperviability, it would still be worth it to me babe. Take care of yourself for me over there, would you please? It¡¯s okay to slow down if you have to. I worry about you. I love you.¡±
ANYA: ¡°Thank you. I love you too. What r u doing?¡±
ME: ¡°I¡¯ll tell you what I¡¯m doing but first I¡¯ll need to know what page you¡¯re on in ¡°New Moon¡±.
ANYA: ¡°I haven¡¯t started yet sweets!¡±
ME: ¡°Then all I¡¯m doing tonight is building a 100-page cushion on you!¡±
ANYA: ¡°I better get reading, huh?¡±
ME: ¡°I think you got some catching up to do, babe.¡±
An overall great day for me as I couldn¡¯t remember a Christmas feeling this good. As emotionally painful the holidays were for the most part, I never experienced a happier holiday season in my life, as I found love to be the true reason for the season.
Before I went to bed, I thanked Anya again for the iPod, but I was also honest about not knowing what I loved more; the iPod or the tag. At exactly seven a.m. I awoke to a text she sent me at four forty that Monday morning.
ANYA: ¡°I¡¯m glad! U can categorize all ur music by genres. I¡¯m sure you know this but u can burn any CD¡¯s onto ur iPod. Not an expert but ask if u have a quest. I¡¯m sure u¡¯ve figured everything out. It¡¯s quite simple. Ur too funny about the tag! I should write letters to u tho I don¡¯t have the best hand writing. Throat is bothering me. Waiting to go for a walk but looks like Carolyn is still asleep. Chat later!¡±
To see her write me such a beautiful thing touched my heart at a time it needed to be touched; a time I felt like more of a disease than the cure, as her holiday plans obscured the joy and happiness I brought her; the main reason I endured the times spent apart. I didn¡¯t want to distract her, I know she needed to be ¡°there¡±, but I also needed her to believe this wasn¡¯t me versus her kids, but me versus an abusive marriage. A union that stripped away joy and happiness from her life. We both needed to find ourselves again. To be who we were before we had our hearts broken as the last year taught me we could only do this through each other. No one else could bring to us what we¡¯ve found in each other. No matter the current situation, we were meant to be together. I was convinced the night our eyes found each other was the time we were supposed to meet, otherwise we would¡¯ve never appreciated all we¡¯ve found in one another.
This Monday morning, December twenty-second, two thousand eight would be the best one yet as I would see Anya. Our seventieth meeting and the her thirty sixth visit to my one bedroom apartment, and as I thought back to each of her previous visits, it reminded me of how each sunset carried a beauty all its own. I thought about all the memories I made with her in my candle lit room over the last year and how much better it could be if she wasn¡¯t bound by fear and kept hope in peril. For years, before I got my own place, I slept on a twin bed and when I got my queen, I sprawled myself all over it, but now I found my selfish behavior an act of sacrilege as I could no longer trespass upon Anya¡¯s side of the bed.
Since this day would be a rainy one, I cracked my window so we could hear the rain fall then lit my usual candles for us. As I did this, I thought of other romantic things I wanted to do for her. I just wanted her to know what we shared was beyond special and I was grateful for her. Her presence before me never to be taken for granted, and she was always the most important one in the room. I wanted her to feel comfortable and relaxed with me each time she shared the greatest part of herself with me, something I felt Jackson could never push his libido aside enough to appreciate. This woman gave up her body for him. A body that would never be the same again after she had his children. After all she gave him, he cheated on her at the time she needed him the most, and when I set my room up for her, I thought about how much she deserved this show of respect and honor from him. It¡¯s just something I wanted to make right for her if I could in some way; to make some sense of her suffering during that time. A time that haunts me because I couldn¡¯t be there for her. I created the ambiance in my room for her to know she was truly loved and not only worthy of a man¡¯s loyalty, but also his respect. What he saw as imperfections in her, I saw as the purest perfection in my eyes, and I felt she deserved the best of me. All I could possibly give her for never looking at my imperfections; a first for me as I felt most women usually looked for the bad in me more than the good. No one is exempt from imperfections, but I always felt if a woman saw the good in me, then the bad could never matter.
Anya was my energy source in life. She kept it perpetual and dynamic, always moving forward. Even gave me a sense of the most magical wonder, full of goals and hopes I hadn¡¯t had since I was a kid. Her love for me demolished the wall I built around my heart for years, and it¡¯s why I held onto it for dear life as I knew the next wall I built would be forever impenetrable, the greatest of all fortresses. After a year, I was not only in this for happiness in life, but also for my survival as well.
ANYA: ¡°Here.¡±
Anya¡¯s ¡°here¡± text had a power all its own as my heart beat went from first to fourth gear upon its receipt. The day outside brought coldness and rain, but with Anya¡¯s eyes in mine, and the warmth of her skin in my hand, it felt like there wasn¡¯t a cloud in the sky. As we reached inside my apartment, and as the rain let up on us for our trek, I brought her face into my hands and brought her lips into mine. I could have stayed in my living room the entire time, standing, with our mouths close, but didn¡¯t want the ambiance I created in my room for us to go to waste. As our naked bodies found each other in the middle of my bed, I laid her gently down upon it, and moved my hands upon her flawless frame then brought my mouth to kiss her body. With a new found inner peace as two desperate weeks of inner turmoil melted away, I fell inside her two soft loving eyes as they danced slowly with mine.
¡°Can we have more than one soulmate?¡± she spoke softly.
¡°Do you think we each have more than one soul?¡± I asked.
¡°No.¡±
¡°I think that¡¯s why we only have one soul mate.¡± I said. ¡°Our soul¡¯s mate.¡±
¡°That¡¯s interesting.¡± she said.
¡°Do you think we have more than one soulmate?¡±
¡°I think we could.¡±
Fear filled my heart as I wondered what spurred her question and response, but I didn¡¯t believe we had more than one soulmate. Did she consider the other men in her life soulmates as well? Lance the romantic singer? What if she felt Jackson was her soulmate too? Nothing sounded more singular than the word ¡°soulmate¡± as I believed it to be a word meant for one person. I felt people who believed they did have multiple soulmates, couldn¡¯t possibly know what love truly was. That ¡°soulmate¡± was a word they often threw around to describe how they felt for someone. The promiscuous usage of the word ¡°soulmate¡± by people was the very reason why I chose to believe our souls were reserved for only one. I wouldn¡¯t have made the decision to be in her life, especially in this situation, if I felt she was anything less than my soulmate. I knew I met mine, but her question left me to wonder for the first time if she truly met hers.
¡°I¡¯ve never felt more connected to someone and never had so much in common with them. I¡¯ve never felt so comfortable with someone. Never felt so natural around someone. Never felt more right with someone regardless of what other people might think. I feel our love, our mutual respect for each other, that us coming together was not the act of evil, but the act of someone on the side of what is good, just and right. We were meant to meet regardless of the situation and it leaves me convinced this is a once in a lifetime love.¡± I said as I suddenly felt insignificant. ¡°Well, I guess I¡¯ll just say I like the chances with the soulmate I have now. You¡¯re the only soulmate for me and I don¡¯t want to know another.¡±
¡°I believe what we share is a once in a lifetime love too. I¡¯ve never felt this way before with anyone. I love you very much.¡±
¡°You know it¡¯s a soulmate love when you don¡¯t need to live through music or books to feel a love so real.¡±
I wanted to tell her so much more to give this soulmate love, this once in a lifetime, a chance. To embrace it by at least separating from Jackson, the true source of her unhappiness. To understand she was only separating herself from the deception, and not from the love of her kids. To choose an honest life over one of dishonesty. She had all she needed and more in me, and all she had to do was choose to live her life with me. I¡¯d win her children over in the end. I promise things would be fine.
You have your soulmate. I¡¯m here forever. I won¡¯t break your heart. I promise it to you for a lifetime and beyond. I thought quietly to myself.
Anya told me she didn¡¯t think I could fully understand her position, but could she fully understand mine if she knew how much my life now weighed in the balance? I wouldn¡¯t want that burden on her no matter how true I believed that to be.
When the day ended, I sat in regret unable to share the things I wanted to, in fear she would not be as receptive as I hoped for. Since our relationship was one born of love, and not of lust, I believed its origin came from a beacon of light and not from the depth of darkness. I had strong feelings this would work out better she than she thought. That her kids would see the good in me and in us, as I wasn¡¯t convinced a separation from deception could ever harm them irreparably.
To see Anya on two consecutive days, both filled with promise and hope, healed all that ached by heart the last couple of weeks. Although I still felt we only had one soulmate, we were not always going to agree on everything. Later the next day I sent her a text to see how her day was coming along and what her plans were.
ANYA: ¡°Soccer practice then meeting C & D for one spill. Have to pick up Katie at 6:50 in HB. If I can get away r u up for a beer at 5:30 at RJ¡¯s?¡±
You might be reading a pirated copy. Look for the official release to support the author.
ME: ¡°I¡¯d be up for two beers if you can get away!¡±
ANYA: ¡°Ha ha! OK I¡¯m meeting them at 4 p.m. Let me feel them out and I¡¯ll text you by 4:30.¡±
ME: ¡°Sounds good. I might run a little behind, but I won¡¯t be longer than 5 minutes. Can you wait for me at the bar and grab me a seat?¡±
ANYA: ¡°Please don¡¯t be late! I don¡¯t like to sit at bars alone! I¡¯d leave b4 I sit alone in a bar! It¡¯s true! Just ask C&D!¡±
ME: ¡°Ok, babe. I believe you.¡±
ANYA: ¡°So you won¡¯t be late? I love you.¡±
ME: ¡°If I¡¯m late just wait in your car, but I¡¯ll do my best to be there on time. I love you too.¡±
I could only guess about what happened that made her feel so badly about being alone inside a bar, but I could imagine her being approached by many wild eyed men often to make her feel uncomfortable alone there. Anya sent me a text. as promised, at four-thirty to let me know she would meet me there at five, but little did she know when she text me, I was already there. Upon receipt of her text, I walked inside to secure a seat for us both, and when five arrived, so did she; beautiful in my eyes as always. I ordered a Corona for each of us, and she thanked me as a huge smile grew on her face. We then got lost in each other as our love locked us in a gaze completely unaware of our surroundings and blocked out all the people there. Something we still did even over a year later. She then reached for her beer and touched her bottle with mine before we both took our first drink.
¡°Thank you for meeting me here and not being late, babe.¡± she said.
¡°Of course, Sweetheart. I didn¡¯t know about your bar phobia. I apologize.¡± I said. ¡°I would never want you to wait for me anywhere. It was lame to suggest but the traffic is horrendous this time of year. Seems like it takes an hour just to get out of a parking lot.¡±
¡°I get approached every time. I just don¡¯t want to deal with it.¡± she said.
¡°I totally understand.¡± I said as I noticed a group of young guys behind us who seemed to look at us in what appeared to be a mocking way. ¡°A lot of people here tonight. I think you would have gotten approached tonight for sure.¡±
¡°It happens more than I hope it would. Some men don¡¯t care about the ring on your finger.¡±
¡°Gentlemen are a dying breed.¡± I said as I tried to ignore the guy behind me who seemed to poke fun at the trance I got in whenever I saw Anya. ¡°No doubt.¡±
¡°Have you ever looked at anyone the way you look at me?¡± she asked.
¡°Never.¡± I said. ¡°Although I¡¯ve been attentive before.¡±
¡°Did you ever buy flowers for your girlfriends?¡±
¡°Flowers.¡± I said as I remembered Karyn. ¡°A couple of times.¡±
Anya¡¯s head then dipped to the floor and when her eyes reappeared in mine, they were a little wet, but she quickly turned away and took a sip of her Corona.
¡°Are you okay?¡± I asked as I rubbed her leg and touched her hand, one I wanted so bad to bring against my face.
She then took a deep breath and looked at me with a forced smile.
¡°It¡¯s okay, whatever you want to say.¡± I said.
¡°It makes me sad you¡¯ve sent flowers to another girl.¡±
¡°Why babe?¡± I asked. ¡°If I had met you before them, you¡¯re the only one I would have ever sent flowers to.¡±
¡°It¡¯s just¡it¡¯s just I can¡¯t¡you could never send me flowers.¡±
¡°Weren¡¯t you the one who told me ¡°never say never¡±?¡± I reminded her. ¡°And I told you you¡¯re not a positive thinker?¡±
¡°Yes.¡± she said as smile broke upon her face as she wiped her eyes.
¡°Well, maybe just one day I can, babe.¡± I said. ¡°Remember those three things in life you should never give up on?¡±
¡°Hopes, wishes and dreams.¡± She said softly.
¡°I love you.¡± I said.
¡°I love you too.¡±
When our time together came to an end, I rose from my chair and waited for Anya to rise from hers. I grabbed her purse from her chair and carried it for her. As we walked out together, I then heard a cackle from one of the guys who sat directly behind us.
¡°Gay ass shit, man!¡± he said. ¡°Now you can go home and whack it, Desperado. Everyone in this bar knows she¡¯s too good for you.¡±
Anya heard it and turned around, and I almost turned to face him, but decided to play ear possum instead even though it bothered me greatly. When we got outside Anya looked at me with concern in her eyes.
¡°I heard him.¡± I said.
¡°How did it make you feel.¡± she asked.
¡°I¡¯m not ashamed of the way I love you. I don¡¯t care who¡¯s around. You mean more to me than what others think. I care what you think more than anyone, anyway.¡±
¡°Are you going to go home and whack it?¡±
¡°Probably.¡±
¡°I love you very much.¡± she chuckled.
¡°I love you very much. Thanks for meeting me here.¡±
¡°Thanks for not being late! Oh, and my Corona!¡±
¡°My pleasure, babe¡± I said as she came into my arms for a long hug as we both knew we wouldn¡¯t see each other until next year as the pain would soon begin once we departed.
I stayed in my car as Anya drove away into the night. I had a nice time with her, but I felt bad. I never thought she would be affected by not ever receiving flowers from me. I then got out of my car and headed back toward RJ¡¯s in contemplation of waiting for the guy who decided to poke fun at all I endured for a piece of happiness in my life. At times, I felt I was out of Anya¡¯s league as my low self-esteem reappeared, but what made this guy think he was in her league? I felt I needed to cut him down to size, but I decided to put my hands in my pocket and head back to my car on this cold December night. Unfortunately, ¡°whacking¡± was one of the ways I dealt with the missing, and it was always her and I each time I did, but that aspect of the relationship began to wear me down especially knowing the reality was she still shared her bed with another man. To know if I had not been with Anya, this aspect of the relationship would be fulfilled by someone else other than myself, but the desire for her sexually was so great, it¡¯s the only thing I could do.
When I got home, I decided to send Anya texts to apologize for the flowers I never sent her.
ME: ¡°Just thinking of you babe. You have really opened me up. I rarely talk about myself to anyone and I feel comfortable telling you anything and everything about me. I¡¯ve never felt that comfortable with anyone before. I¡¯ve never been this close to anyone. Besides my family I trust you more than anyone in this world.¡± I¡¯ve never felt more comfortable looking into someone¡¯s eyes. I¡¯ve never gazed and gotten lost in someone¡¯s eyes before. In fact, before I met you I was always self-conscious in public. I am just so into you I get lost everytime; I¡¯m unaware of everything except you. I¡¯ve always been reserved and personal. I feel I¡¯m a hard man to know. Other than myself you know me better than anyone. I¡¯ve never felt like I was in a different world with anyone before. When I¡¯m with you there¡¯s only one world, our world. Everyone else around us is a satellite lost in orbit like the guy who made that wisecrack as we were walking out. They r all just satellites taking our world in but forever lost in orbit.¡±
¡®I¡¯ve sent flowers to 2 girls before but they were always on occasions. If I was with you babe I would send you flowers for just being in love with me and for no real reason at all. They would come to you on any day of the year and not just on a day marked on a calendar. I used to be infatuated with the idea of being in love but I¡¯ve never been truly in love before until I met you. I¡¯ve never known anything greater or as powerful. Like the sun¡¯s gravitational pull on the earth, I am constantly drawn to you and it is out of my control. I will love you until the day I die no matter what happens. I¡¯m in love with a woman who is better than I could have dreamed of and believe me, I¡¯ve done a lot of dreaming about her. It¡¯s nice to have a face to see when I listen to all the love songs.¡±
¡®No pressure, baby. You have been really good to me. You¡¯ve been kind, thoughtful, considerate, caring and loving to and towards me. You¡¯ve never stopped me from meeting someone else. This is my choice and I have my reasons why I want to see what happens. I believe in our love and your love for me.¡± I¡¯ll be more mindful of the things I tell you, and I¡¯m sorry what I said hurt you or made you sad. Thanks again for meeting me at RJ¡¯s tonight. You looked so beautiful, as always. I love you forever. Sweet dreams.¡±
As the eve before Christmas Day came to be for the first time with Anya in my consciousness, I had never felt as content with life, a feeling of pure astonishment taken into consideration my emotional struggles. Anya texted me that morning with appreciation.
ANYA: ¡°Good morning! Wow! Thx 4 ALL the texts last nite! Babe u didn¡¯t hurt me. I was just a bit sad that I couldn¡¯t receive flowers from u. I¡¯m fine sweets.¡±
ME: ¡°Ok, I feel better now. I was worried about what I said.¡±
ANYA: ¡°What are you doing for Christmas eve?¡±
ME: ¡°I¡¯m going over my parent¡¯s house. My mom makes these holly leaves and chocolate chip cookies every year. I wait all year for them so I¡¯m going to grab some before Christmas so she has to make more.¡±
ANYA: ¡°Ha! Have a great Christmas eve at your parent¡¯s house. I miss you very much.¡±
ME: ¡°Thanks babe. I miss you very much too.¡±
I didn¡¯t want to ask Anya about her plans. I knew she celebrated Hanukkah, and it¡¯s not like I didn¡¯t respect the Jewish holiday, but it was Jackson¡¯s religion she converted to, not the religion she was born in to, and so it hurt to hear about her allegiance to it. I know she celebrated it for her kids, and I could appreciate that, but anything she did for Jackson, I could no longer stomach as it added to the unknown variable and obscured her love for me.
I didn¡¯t hear from Anya for the rest of the day and evening, and it depressed me. On one hand, this was the best holiday season I ever had but on the other hand, the times away from her especially on days and nights such as these, were unbearable. I had every intention to visit my parents on this Christmas eve, I was even on the Vincent Thomas Bridge, a mile away from their home when I decided my heart ached too much to enjoy myself, and as much as I wanted to taste my mother¡¯s fresh holly leaves and her fresh out of the oven chocolate chip cookies, my heart wouldn¡¯t allow me to. I didn¡¯t want to bestow my sadness upon my parents. My mom didn¡¯t need to hear my about my sadness, and she knew I was coming over the next day anyway. As I headed back over the bridge, I felt caught in its undertow as I stared up into one of its towers and into a star filled sky that boasted an orange moon above me. And it made me wonder what the view was like from its top. How I could be surrounded by so much beauty yet with all the world¡¯s sadness just below me. No one ever made it to the top of the towers to leap from and into their own darkness before. People always jumped from the base of the bridge, and never ventured the climb to its apex to at least take in the beauty around them because they probably feared it could change their mind. The way I felt now, on a day that always brought me a sense of happiness, I would have jumped. Without Anya, I didn¡¯t see any goodness in life, or any reason to be. If I was wrong about Anya¡¯s love for me, I could never be right about anything. She wouldn¡¯t be to blame, but only an unkind world as the damage was done well before I met her.
I didn¡¯t fear death like most did. I felt death was a transition, not an end, but it didn¡¯t mean I wasn¡¯t afraid either. I just didn¡¯t fear it as much as others did. I also found it remarkable most people of faith feared death. If you truly believed in God, wouldn¡¯t death be the least of your fears? Why would death be treated as a sad occasion if they were going to a more beautiful place? These same people even prayed for people not to die? How could that be? Isn¡¯t it an act of jealousy or selfishness for people who believed in God to pray for people not to meet Him? Here was the moment they claimed to live for and you¡¯re praying for them to survive? To deny their passage into the next dimension? This was another reason why God was more Santa Claus than savior. I couldn¡¯t even tell you what Christmas day truly represented. I knew Jesus was born. There was a star, some wise men and a manger thrown in there. Then there was the immaculate deception about a woman who got pregnant without making love. I hated to be so critical of The Bible because it brought my mom such relief and salvation, but all its stories were just well written fables, and nothing to be taken literally, perpetually open to misinterpretation. From David Koresh to Jim Jones and to the current day Evangelicals, they taught me all I wanted to know about God¡¯s word. And there were some things in the Bible I loved, especially the excerpts my mother read to me at a time I really needed them. But even though I applied some of the Bible¡¯s tenets to my decision making, the majority of them, I couldn¡¯t place any faith in.
If God loved me so much why did I have my heart broken so many times? He created me, a sensitive being, so he knew the kind of person I was. He had to know the women he brought in my life before Anya were bad for me. Why would he allow them to take up a residence in my heart? I couldn¡¯t get past that one for the life of me, no matter how many times my mother told me ¡°everything happens for a reason¡±. Sure, it did, to destroy my life. To keep me unhappy for some crime I¡¯m being eternally fined for, a felony I have no cognizance of. I didn¡¯t understand God so there was no way I could rationalize his existence other than to instill morality through fear in people, and if he wasn¡¯t going to look out for me from way up there, I had no time to believe in him because he seemed to give up on me a long time ago, and blessed others, like Jackson, who had a claim to the love of my life he didn¡¯t deserve. As I got older, and as life pressed its fangs and released its venom into my heart, the less I believed in the fairy tale that was Jesus Christ.
That Christmas morning, Anya sent me a text.
ANYA: ¡°Merry Christmas! It¡¯s raining!¡±
Her text warmed and broke me inside as it made me wish I could spend Christmas Day with her. How beautiful it would have been to have her at my parent¡¯s house with me, or to even be with her parents. I didn¡¯t care as long as she was by my side so I could talk to her, joke with her, and feel her next to me.
When I arrived at the house, my mother greeted me at the door in her green Christmas sweater and a Santa Claus hat that hung over one of her eyes as the sound of Brenda Lee¡¯s voice filled the house.
¡°Merry Christmas, Honey!¡± she said as she gave me a big hug as I entered the door.
¡°Merry Christmas. What¡¯s with all the buttons?¡± I asked as several were pinned to her green sweater.
¡°Oh, you know how much I love Christmas!¡± she said. ¡°I thought they were festive. The kids at the school loved them.¡±
¡°Well, if any of those kiddos show up today, tell them to stay away from the holly leaves¡± as I grabbed a couple of her green dyed corn flakes.
¡°Don¡¯t eat them all Landy! Family might be coming over too you know!¡±
¡°Like who?¡± I asked.
¡°Uncle Greg. Uncle Johnny. Uncle Jack. Maybe Uncle John. Aunt Gloria. Aunt Patty. Aunt Kathy. Aunt Lorraine¡your cousin, Justin.¡±
¡°Hey, where are the chocolate chip cookies?¡±
¡°Oh no you don¡¯t Landy.¡± She said. ¡°I¡¯m not telling you.¡±
¡°Oh come on, mom! Don¡¯t do this to me especially when I know they just came out of the oven! I can smell them.¡±
¡°Ok, you can have one.¡± She said as she uncovered the cooking sheet. ¡°Be careful, they might be a little hot.¡±
¡°One. Got it.¡± I said.
¡°Only one!¡± She reminded me before she left me alone with all of them.
¡°I¡¯m only going to take one, Jeezus H.¡± I replied.
As I studied the cooking sheet to decide on which one to take, before I made my final selection, I turned back to look if she left the scene, and once I made certain she gone from the area and she couldn¡¯t have known how many she made, I grabbed two of them. I then put one in my mouth and held the other one in my hand, but when I turned around to flee the crime scene, I bumped into someone.
¡°Landy!¡± My mother yelled.
¡°How the hell did you get over there?¡± I said in surprise. ¡°Are you the matrix?¡±
¡°I told you only one!¡± She yelled again. ¡°We need to save some for guests.¡±
¡°Ok, Ok.¡± I said as I stuffed my mouth.
¡°Would you like me to make you some oatmeal and cinnamon toast?¡±
¡°Yes, please.¡± I said as I could have lived off my mother¡¯s oatmeal and cinnamon toast breakfasts as she always did this for me on Christmas morning, even after I moved away. I then ventured outside the kitchen and ran into my dad in the hallway.
¡°Merry Christmas, Dad.¡± I said as I gave him a hug.
¡°Merry Christmas.¡± he said. ¡°How are things? How¡¯s the job?¡±
¡°Going good.¡± I said.
¡°Your mother told me you got promoted.¡±
¡°I got promoted to partner.¡± I said. ¡°But I won¡¯t see the raise until June.¡±
¡°I always told you there were three kinds of people in this world. Those who make things happen. Those who watch things happen and those who say ¡°What happened?¡±
¡°I remember.¡± I said.
¡°Congratulations. You¡¯ve earned it. You¡¯ve made things happen.¡±
¡°Thanks Dad.¡±
My Dad had a lot of sayings, and to say they hadn¡¯t helped me in my life at times would
be false. I always remembered the time he wrote on the chalkboard ¡°Landyn does not make college.¡±. He was no doubt a part of my success, but if I had been a weaker person, he easily could have contributed to my failure as well. Since he never went to college, and things worked out for him, I don¡¯t think he appreciated I had a college degree. He had my life already written out for me at the docks, as once again sometimes I felt he took his lack of being able to do the things he wanted to do in life on me. I know he loved my mother. He didn¡¯t marry her because of any obligation, but my Dad didn¡¯t appreciate the times I felt the need to defend myself after all he gave up to have me.
As the day progressed, my uncles, aunts and cousins visited and it was nice to see them all again and catch up. I was blessed with great cousins and family as I seemed to appreciate them more now that I was in a happier state of mind. One of my cousins was reading the ¡°Twilight¡± series so I was able to talk to her about a subject I normally wouldn¡¯t be able to.
Regardless of all the time I spent on this day with others, Anya never left my mind for a second, and almost like telepathy, the minute I began to miss her more as the day went on, she met me there in a text.
ANYA: ¡°Missing u like crazy.¡±
ME: ¡°Missing u like crazy too.¡±
When Anya texted me, as I caught up with my cousins, aunts and uncles, I couldn¡¯t help but imagine her there with me. I fantasized how well she would mesh with everyone and it bummed me out I couldn¡¯t introduce her as I held out hope that next year I could.
I then took a break from the chaos of the day and decided to go in my mother¡¯s room to get away to read some of my continuing education course, but before I entered, I saw my mother, through the crack of the door, sitting on the edge of her bed. She seemed to be staring off into space and taking a breather so I didn¡¯t want to keep her from doing so. Before I walked away however, she took off her Santa Claus hat and put her hand against her completely hairless head in exasperation. I quickly stepped away from the door to assess what I witnessed. I¡¯m sure if I walked in at that moment, she would have told me the chemo treatments caused her to lose her hair, but I felt this was an intrusion of her privacy, as I jettisoned back to the time I accidentally saw when she unloaded my electric football game I wanted for Christmas into her car. I then walked away from the peace of her room, and into the chaos of a guest filled living room with a lot more on my mind than ever before.
The rest of the day felt bittersweet. I didn¡¯t feel as alone, but after I saw my mom in her bedroom the spirit of the holidays eluded me. I was so engrossed in my relationship with Anya and trying to catch up on all the work I fell behind on, it came at the price of spending less time with my mother as I opted not to bring my loneliness around for her to see. I left that day with five of her Vicodin pills from one of the few bottles of two hundred she had around. Just a number of various pill bottles that began to accumulate for a reason my mother kept from me. Although she always made sure I had a great Christmas, this year felt much different as my heart ached for two exclusive yet mutually inclusive reasons. As I prepared to sleep off the day, Anya sent me a rare ¡°after ten p.m.¡± text.
ANYA: ¡°How was ur Christmas?¡±
ME: ¡°Beside me gaining ten pounds it was good. Thought about you all day. How was yours? How are your parents?¡±
ANYA: ¡°Ha ha! I had u on my mind all day too. My parents r good. My dad left early cuz bad headache but he¡¯s ok. Urs?¡±
ME: ¡°My dad is doing well. The chemo seems to be sapping my mom¡¯s energy though but she appears to be ok. When are you leaving for your skiing trip with the kids?¡±
ANYA: ¡°I¡¯m sorry babe. In two days.¡±
One more holiday event left for my heart to endure. I decided not to get into details about my mom with Anya right before her trip with her kids as I didn¡¯t think it fair to her. No doubt though her skiing trip would be harder on my heart because of the added sadness I felt about my mom. It upset me I felt this additional missing at all, and there was nothing I could do about it but accept all the plans she made as if I didn¡¯t exist in her life even after all we¡¯ve shared. I didn¡¯t want to hold this against her, and I knew she struggled too, but at the same time this heartache was the reason why I initially walked away. She even told me I broke her heart, so I went all in to mend it for her, and it only seemed to leave my heart broken as after all we¡¯ve shared she still didn¡¯t know. Or was this a not too subtle hint that this skiing trip was her way of saying I do know? I refused to believe that as I found this to be more of an effort not to figure things out even though in essence it was an act of someone who had it figured out already. I felt like a shipwrecked sailor as he clung to a piece of driftwood in the middle of a dark unforgiving ocean who could only wait out his fate.
How could hope be all I had now? The only thing I could do as I rode this emotional roller coaster on of all days Christmas, was to try and sleep it off.
The next morning, I awoke to a text from Anya.
ANYA: ¡°Good morning! We survived Christmas!¡±
Her words woke me up to the one thing about Christmas that felt different was relief The holiday season was finally over instead of being depressed when I was a kid. Every single day Anya was surrounded by people, and although there were pluses and minuses to that, every single day I came home to four walls that became boisterous whenever this schism was recognized. My heart now, especially during the holiday season, ached immensely and the hardest thing about it was I had to keep it from her because the less she understood my position, the less I understood hers and I feared to mimic the loudness of the four walls around me.
ME: ¡°Good morning! I used to get a little sad the day after Christmas but not this year! How are you?¡±
ANYA: ¡°I know what u mean! I¡¯m good. Just trying to make sense of the aftermath. My house is a mess! U better start working on your cushion cuz I¡¯m on page 290. How r u?¡±
ME: ¡°OMG! You stole my cushion?! I¡¯m just lying in bed and didn¡¯t realize it¡¯s already 10!¡±
ANYA: ¡°Ha! I believe it cuz u can¡¯t tell if it¡¯s morning or nite in ur room!¡±
I loved that she was the only other person in this dimension who knew what my room was like, but it only made it that much harder to stomach the thought of anyone else knowing what she already knew about me.
A little later that afternoon, I texted her to see how her day was going.
ANYA: ¡°Hi! Rushed trying to download music, pack and get work done b4 I leave. I just realized I¡¯ve been meaning to burn u CD¡¯s but haven¡¯t had the chance.¡±
ME: ¡°Yeah! What¡¯s the big idea promising me CD¡¯s and never burning them for me now that I have an iPod?!?! I¡¯m totally kidding!!! I don¡¯t know how you find the time to squeeze in all you do. I appreciate the thought! Hang in there, babe!¡±
ANYA: ¡°Ha! I¡¯ll work on it as soon as I get back including the pink book mark I owe u!¡±
ME: ¡°Alright! I¡¯m going to hold you to both! Haha! Love you!¡±
ANYA: ¡°Love you too!¡±
I dreaded the negative emotions that awaited me during her ski trip, but unlike her San Diego trip, she let me know about it so I could be better emotionally prepared. It would only be a few day until she returned so then my heart could return back to normal. It helped to know though this trip included the kids, when the trip to Spain did not, and I remembered how badly my heart ached when I learned she was on Tenerife, one of the Canary Islands alone with another man. A pain I never dreamed she would have ever allowed me to experience, and if you told me she would continue to live her life under a fa?ade months later, I would have never believed it. I felt confident however once I could relay the news of my partner promotion to her, things would change.
At around four in the afternoon, Anya sent me a text.
ANYA: ¡°Hope ur day is going well. I miss u.¡±
ME: ¡°As well as it can be. I hope yours is going well. I miss u too.¡±
ANYA: ¡°I miss you very much baby. I love you.¡±
ME: ¡°I love you too.¡±
How well could my day be going, when I knew at this time tomorrow. I would feel sad as she continued to live the life I could only dream at this time about having with her. I didn¡¯t want to question her love for me, it wasn¡¯t fair when I felt so much of it, but when we were apart, and she played the role of Mrs. Caiaphas, my heart severely ached. I shouldn¡¯t let an innocuous skiing trip get me down. After all, it was for the kids and ¡°the kids love to ski!¡±, but why wasn¡¯t I told about their love for skiing in the beginning and that was behind her reasons she still stay married to an abusive husband even with me in her life? I wouldn¡¯t have wanted Anya to leave to be with me just yet, but how could I not even receive at least a promise? Most people would argue even if she promised me, it didn¡¯t mean she would leave, but the one true thing about Anya I knew without a doubt was she took promises seriously. So seriously enough she had yet to make one to me, but I felt, for the sake of the relationship, a promise from her would at least make me feel safer. To build my trust in her love. I took promises seriously too, but let¡¯s face it, promises are not hard to break them when you don¡¯t make them.
What made my heart ache and my mind race even more was to imagine another Europe trip with Jackson this year. If she agreed to go, how would I react? I feared if she did, it would put me in the position to approach Jackson about our relationship. I just wouldn¡¯t be able to tolerate that kind of disrespect for my heart. If she truly loved me, like she just claimed to, then she would make things right, and not let things to ever come to that. A trip to Europe with Jackson after all we¡¯ve shared, after all I¡¯ve sacrificed and given, I would simply need to learn if she truly loved me. If she would go to bat for me the way I have gone to bat for her. If she believed in not only our love, but love in general. In the meantime though, all I could do was hope that day would never come.
ANYA: ¡°Goodnight sweets!¡±
ME: ¡°Goodnight beautiful!¡±
I just hoped she would tire of the mistrust eventually, like any decent human being would, but do the right thing about it and not go back into a lie, but into the face of the truth. I would never be able to understand after all we¡¯ve shared how she could l ever look her husband in the eyes and stay in her marriage. If she was able to do that, then I would feel completely played for a fool. My heart wasn¡¯t for her amusement, and she wasn¡¯t entitled to all my feelings. My heart carried costs with it, and there were consequences. This was no free ride and I made that known from day one when I told her I was not in her life only to fill a void, and I walked away because I didn¡¯t want to come in the middle of something that was salvageable. I would feel nothing else but authentically betrayed, as her holiday plans left me to feel such because of their clandestine nature. Although unintentional, in way she did conspire against me with the man she claimed not to love in order to plan them. Were they discussed in bed before or after sex? How could she add to her usual plans if she knew they would hurt me? All I knew was this; next year would not be like this. Next year, the truth, something everyone seemed to despise and fear in this world other than myself, would make its grand appearance. If it took me six years to finally move on from Denise, and the feelings I had for her were miniscule to all I felt for Anya, how long would it take me to get past Anya? This is why I knew I didn¡¯t have any options if this didn¡¯t work out. If Anya turned out to be essentially a fraud like her husband, I couldn¡¯t keep living in a mostly fraudulent world because I¡¯d never trust again.
I remembered when she said ¡°What am I supposed to tell the kids? I can¡¯t go skiing with them anymore?¡±, and how I believed this question was answered way back last December when she decided to pursue a relationship with me. Did she honestly think I would have pursued this relationship in any way if I knew she had no answers to these types of questions our love would be faced with? What bothered most about the question though was not the question itself, but her lack of any sense of responsibility for why I was in her life. As if I blindly chose to be here, and never walked away from her when we first met. I guess it was better to keep lying to them like she did for years, and I shouldn¡¯t dare impose on her to be honest with them. That I should take the stance they were kids anyway so why not continue to pull a fast one over on them? Her question put me in the position to play the bad guy for just acting on the feelings she not only encouraged but allowed me to have to. Why couldn¡¯t Anya and I take them skiing? What made her think I couldn¡¯t be a part of their lives too if she loved me so much? I wouldn¡¯t go with them without her so she could still take them skiing. This was not me versus the kids, this was me and the kids. This left me to feel she wasn¡¯t proud of me at all and unworthy of our love being vouched for, and for a woman who loved me, how could I not feel that way? She shared every daily detail about her kids with me. So much so it allowed me to fall in love with them too as I now dreamt of not only being with Anya, but also getting to know them, and now she attacked me with them? I just didn¡¯t understand why she would put me in the position of breaking up a family when she told me the only reason she was still there was because no one would be there for her if she were to leave. She even told me she believed no one would accept her with her children and I¡¯ve done nothing but show her that wasn¡¯t true. Why did she make me feel so special by sharing their lives with me just to use them against me? I felt even more nauseas when I flashbacked to my relationship with Karyn, the receptionist, who couldn¡¯t date me because she was still going through some ¡°damage¡± from her last relationship. I understood and what happened? I found out she was dating the rich VP of the Company instead. When my experience with women had the same characteristics; sob story-betrayal-trust given-excuses given then confusion and mistrust, it gave me no choice but to pursue the truth on my own as Anya generated confusion and mistrust with her skiing trip and holiday plans. Of course, I didn¡¯t want to feel what I did, and I know I¡¯ve been wrong to feel way most of the time, but I couldn¡¯t deny it¡¯s how I felt at times like this. I trusted her to not lead me somewhere for nothing and to not let go of my hand in the dark.
I didn¡¯t want to tell her how her trip and holiday plans made me feel. I didn¡¯t want to feel like an ¡°obligation¡± to her, but the truth was I felt she was responsible for our relationship more than I was. I trusted this was what she wanted and the kids would not be in the middle of this in any way. I think married people, in general, would find it a blessing to feel love again. And I¡¯m sure to lose it would hurt a little, but they would not be going back to loneliness because they had someone. When you¡¯re single though, and you loved someone like I loved Anya, you don¡¯t want to feel love if you¡¯re just going to lose it anyway. To just feel love, to be okay with just the feel for a while, is fine with married people, but my motivation was to feel love for the rest of my life. To never lose the love I felt. I felt Anya assumed I was okay to just feel love even if I lost it, but she should have known I wasn¡¯t okay with that when I walked away after we first met. When I asked her what I needed to do to get her to leave. When I told her I feared all the feelings I had for her and it¡¯s why I left.
The next day, after a night full of negative emotions, I felt I had walked right into a horror movie. As the day progressed, and I never heard from her, I decided to go to the mall to get my mind off of things, but I couldn¡¯t take it and caved. I didn¡¯t want to know anything about her trip so I texted her to see how far along she was on ¡°New Moon¡± and to tell her I hoped she was staying safe. An hour later, she responded.
ANYA: ¡°Yes babe. I miss you too. On page 340! I think of u everytime. I love you.¡±
I remembered this text coming my way the minute I stepped into a dressing room to try on a new pair of jeans. I had lost so much weight, I needed new jeans. I tried on a couple of pairs but my mind was elsewhere. As I exited the department store, I tried to put a positive spin on everything. In a few days from now, all I felt would be over. I turned in early on the first night of her trip and I felt even better when Anya text me in the afternoon.
ANYA: ¡°How r u?¡±
ME: ¡°I¡¯m having a tough time but I¡¯m okay. Miss you to death. How r u?¡±
ANYA: ¡°I¡¯m ok. It is tough. Skiing alone right now. Will meet up with Carolyn after lunch. I miss u to death too. What r u doing today?¡±
I was surprised to learn she went skiing with Carolyn and her family as well, and I didn¡¯t know what to make of it. Did they all hang out together or was it just her and Carolyn? I just didn¡¯t know how to feel so I decided not to.
ME: ¡°I¡¯m not sure but it¡¯s probably a good idea for me to get out of the apartment and do something.¡±
ANYA: ¡°That¡¯s good! Have fun whatever you decide to do! I¡¯m here till the 1st. I love you.¡±
Upon receipt of Anya¡¯s text, my hand began to tremble as my mind took in the significance of her skiing trip lasting until the first of January, as this trip wasn¡¯t just for the kids, but to also celebrate her birthday and new year¡¯s.
And I contemplated a response as confusion and mistrust settled in.
CHAPTER 28 ~ THE PROMISE
¡°You and me
Meant to be
Immutable
Impossible
It¡¯s destiny
Pure lunacy
Incalculable
Inseparable.¡±
¡°Stand Inside Your Love¡± ~ The Smashing Pumpkins
What Anya revealed to me should not have yielded a surprise, yet it did. At this point I thought I would be prepared for anything, but I still felt less than half a man everytime she gave me heart wrenching news. I didn¡¯t understand how going skiing because ¡°the kids like to ski¡± turned into a birthday bash. What bothered me was it seemed like her life went on without missing a beat while mine completely disappeared. Here I was, in this relationship because I trusted her pain, her words, and her actions but now, even after I was asked in no uncertain terms to fight for her, only to be led down the path of being labeled as a homewrecker and heart breaker of her children. Not labeled as the man who saved their mother from sadness and despair, but the man who wanted to destroy their family. The more I thought this way, the more I seethed. All I had endured for her, from Spain, to Valentine¡¯s Day, to neighbor parties, to Bunco, to birthday parties only Lance would be accepted at, to spills, to holiday parties to skiing trips as I feared what else lied on the horizon to brutalize a heart that longed for her. Maybe this trip was planned by Jackson and it¡¯s only purpose was to break me down, and break us apart? When I thought of that possibility, I turned back the tide of pessimism, but I couldn¡¯t deny the enormous emptiness I felt. Unable to move from my own bed, and unmotivated to feel life as I put on a fa?ade of my own to hide this blistering storm of agony inside. Yet, I still searched for a reason to understand the reason for the pain I felt.
ME: ¡°I love you. What do you do at night there?¡±
ANYA: ¡°Not much.¡±
ME: ¡°That doesn¡¯t sound good for my heart.¡±
Her ¡°not much¡± response was vague compared to my question about what she did at night there, and with no specific answer to provide, it seemed she hid what she did at night from me. This no longer seemed like just a kid¡¯s skiing trip but one in which her and Jackson could spend some time together, and as the possible scenes played in my head, I couldn¡¯t understand to save my own life, how should look at him with a straight face knowing all we¡¯ve shared.
ANYA: ¡°I have my nephew with me. Can¡¯t do too much.¡±
ME: ¡°Ok.¡±
Why didn¡¯t she tell me her nephew was there when I first posed the question? What would she do if her nephew wasn¡¯t around? Her response failed to come back quickly enough as it led me to wonder if perhaps Carolyn coached her through ¡°what do I tell him?¡±.
As I laid paralyzed in bed, unable to move, gripped by the fa?ade and all of the untold variables of her marriage, it led me to wonder if I were to witness her evenings on this ¡°ski trip for the kids¡±, would I be hurt? But was it truly a question of would, but rather how badly I would be? I faced the coldest of all realities alone as she hoped, wished and dreamed in a manner I which could never have foreseen. Later that evening, as I toiled in desperate despair, she texted me.
ANYA: ¡°It¡¯s tough. U haven¡¯t left my mind.¡±
Was it tough for her because she missed me, or tough for her because she worried about me because of the unknown only she knew of? Was it tough for her because she wanted to run to me, or tough for her because she fought from running away from me?
ME: ¡°U haven¡¯t left my mind too.¡±
ANYA: ¡°Btw I thought of the age thing and I give u 5 more years!¡±
ME: ¡°I don¡¯t understand. Where r u going with this?¡±
Suddenly it appeared my age was an issue. I was only three years younger than Anya and every girlfriend I had was either my age or older than me. She married a man eleven years older than her, an entire generation older than her, so what did my age, only a three year difference, have to do with anything?
ANYA: ¡°The book! Jacob and Bella give each other years or take away years depending on their maturity level. I love you!¡±
ME: ¡°Oh! I love you too!¡±
She meant it as a compliment, but I couldn¡¯t help but feel the fool as it sounded like something was going down I¡¯d be upset about. What would she think of me if I told her how this trip made me feel? Would I then be viewed as immature? I understood her kids were there. She told me about the trip but its duration she hid from me and that had to be the reason why she gave me five years. I didn¡¯t want to give her grief over it no matter how much pain her clandestine news brought me, and if I cracked, it would screw her up around her kids, and ultimately, I would feel worse than I did, so I swallowed the agony for her happiness.
When I didn¡¯t hear back from her for the rest of the evening, my mind wandered without aim as I took the two Vicodin pills I took from my mother to subdue the torturous thoughts. As I wallowed in self pity, I couldn¡¯t believe I had fallen in love with someone yet again who didn¡¯t know. It felt different with Anya than it did with Denise, but it also felt the same it had in the past especially on a lonely hopeless night like this. I felt caught in between a hope and hopelessness as I self destructed mentally. A mess only a drug could help alleviate as I absorbed the true essence of despair. In the middle of this mental chaos, I felt after all we shared I should have been no longer made to understand her position. Not after the way she chose to love me. Not after all the things she told me about Jackson, she knew would only encourage me to be here. Love wasn¡¯t a one way street and she needed to understand my position too. One that would never exist if she didn¡¯t make me aware of Jackson¡¯s multiple gross infidelities. The kind of infidelities that were not only intended to destroy a marriage, but also the hope of the soul. An innocent ski trip for the kids that corruptly turned into a birthday and new year¡¯s celebration should have never manifested itself, and could only be viewed as an attempt to destroy the hope in my soul. But then again, maybe Jackson planned it this way, and my past painted a picture of Anya that was unfair. When the opiate¡¯s euphoric effect began to kick in forty five minutes later, I began to fade into tomorrow; and into an entirely new day of mental anguish.
The emptiness consumed me for the entire next day as I again laid paralyzed in my bed, unable to move, as I could only think of the wide schism between our days. One in which her life carried on without missing a beat, while mine deteriorated into nothingness. I didn¡¯t root for her days not to miss a beat, I just couldn¡¯t believe mine had morphed into such despair. How fair was this? That I went all in, after she asked me to, and trusted in her pain? In her unhappiness? A torment all her own? I only wanted to see her in a better place in life, and this was my reward? To take on her pain while she lived happily without me? To be pitted against kids, kids she shared the details of her daily life with me, who had no idea what she went through so she could go skiing with them every year? She knew the kids were the reason she was still married to Jackson from the very beginning yet she still allowed and encouraged me to feel this deeply for her? Didn¡¯t that alone tell her she wasn¡¯t well? How could her lack of wellness not be reflected upon her kids? Was money the main factor in her decision to stay and the judgment of others because of Jackson¡¯s wealth? That in essence with me she pursued a downgrade? That¡¯s how her silence and her skiing slash birthday slash New Year¡¯s Eve extravaganza left me to feel. The fact her birthday fell on basically the biggest party day of the year brought an emotional discomfort all its own. What usually happened on her birthday since there was a reason to party each time she turned a year older? Did she usually get drunk and have sex with her husband? As if he never cheated on her a day in his life? This trip now forced me into an apocalypse all my own. I had to know the truth behind all of this. I had to know the truth as to why I was allowed and encouraged not only to be in her life, but to feel all I did. To share and know herself as intimately as I did. Why tell me all these things that brought me here to only leave me in a state of sadness? Why share all these things that kept me here to only endure such emptiness and sorrow, I couldn¡¯t even move out of bed. She was afraid she would hurt me with her holiday plans? How could she say such a thing yet still make them if she was so afraid the man she loved would be hurt by them? I wasn¡¯t only hurt by her holiday plans but completely annihilated by them emotionally as I felt victimized the empathetic ways of my heart. As much as she feared her holiday plans would hurt me, she carried on with them anyway, and even threw a birthday party in there for good measure. After all the sacrifices I made for her happiness, I don¡¯t know what I did to deserve this from her. And to say, as I lied paralyzed in bed, that I was devastated by her birthday weekend would be the greatest understatement I could ever make.
Later that afternoon, at about twenty after three, as I tore myself apart from the inside out, she sent me a text.
ANYA: ¡°Thinking of you.¡±
After time spent with her family and friends, as if Jackson had never hurt her a day in his life, her usually thoughtful text felt of very little value. I then responded in kind as I found it selfish of me to ruin a good time she shared with her kids. When she was away from them, away from Jackson, away from her friends, I could talk with her then about all I felt.
ME: ¡°Thinking of you too.¡±
ANYA: ¡°How r u?¡±
Little did she know her simple ¡°how r u¡± text was a dangerous one to send me because I hated to act dishonestly. How else could I be feeling though? She knew how much I loved her. If she was afraid to hurt me with her holiday plans why bother even asking? The truth was it didn¡¯t matter to her how I felt. She was going to do the things she wanted to do regardless. How was she supposed to tell the kids she couldn¡¯t go skiing with them anymore? How dare I put her in such a predicament! My feelings wouldn¡¯t stop that and I wouldn¡¯t want them to.
ME: ¡°I¡¯m ok. How r u?¡±
ANYA: ¡°Just ok. Trying to hang in there.¡±
Anya cared. I know she did, but after all I felt on this trip, as I laid in bed unable to get out of it and embrace life, her words were empty as all I felt inside. I wanted to be noble though. I didn¡¯t want to give her the satisfaction of knowing I became co-dependent because I trusted her feelings for me. Her only solution to the problem, it seemed, was not giving me any sort of promise, but by breaking up with me as if it was a mutual decision because of my pain. That wasn¡¯t loving someone though after all she allowed and encouraged me to feel. If she couldn¡¯t understand that much, she didn¡¯t understand love much. And if she somehow searched for a way out, another excuse to continue not to know if I complained about her skiing trip, she wasn¡¯t getting it from me. I remembered San Diego, and I didn¡¯t want to revisit it again.
ME: ¡°I hope you¡¯re not worried about me. I want you to have a good time. I know it¡¯s hard babe. I imagine what it must be like to kiss you on New Year¡¯s at midnight. I think that¡¯s what the hardest thing is for me. Every time my lips have met yours, it¡¯s been the best. Idk if New Years could feel any better. It¡¯s hard to believe it actually could feel better, but I know it would because of the meaning behind it. This trip is important for you to have and enjoy with your kids babe and not spent worrying about me. Just know I miss you and I love you and I know you feel the same way about me. I¡¯m fine just knowing that. I love you.¡±
Although this text was inconsistent with all I felt at the time, at the same time it made me feel good to tell her these things, because I truly felt this way as well. I thought of Katie and Andrew too, and thought this benefited them so their mother was not distracted worrying about me. As much as I felt this was unfair to a heart that only yearned to be with her, I also found it unfair to Anya if she worried about me and couldn¡¯t enjoy herself making memories with Katie and Andrew. Even as the pain I felt was so undeniable, I couldn¡¯t deny them their mother¡¯s attention. I had to also be aware that seeing what laid under the festive Christmas fa?ade my mother wore, took a toll as well and may have added to my negative emotions. I felt Anya was the only good and decent thing I had left in this world, and the fear of losing her made it worse than death itself.
ANYA: ¡°I love you. Thx for understanding.¡±
ME: ¡°I love you too. Always.¡±
Even in the midst of such great anxiety, I always tried to at least understand. I loved her. I wanted to be with her. I wanted to understand her and that brought forth my positive communication with her. As much as I struggled, I didn¡¯t want her to feel what I did, but the time approached enough for me to know I didn¡¯t struggle for nothing. A little later that evening, at around nine p.m. she texted me.
ANYA: ¡°Have a goodnight babe! I so miss u! I love u!¡±
I felt good after I received her text as miraculously, I got out of bed long enough to grab dinner and read some of ¡°New Moon¡± before I escaped into dreams.
The next day I decided to go into the office to get some work done before the craziness of busy season fell upon me. I had the office to myself as everyone seemed to take advantage of the firm¡¯s two week holiday given to its employees before the beginning of busy season when we all worked long days that began dark and ended the same. Later that afternoon, Anya sent me a text.
ANYA: ¡°I don¡¯t remember. Do you ski?¡±
ME: ¡°I¡¯ve snowboarded before but have never done any skiing.¡±
ANYA: ¡°Did u like it? Andrew loves snowboarding! Andrew told me he will never ski again. He¡¯s hooked!¡±
ME: ¡°Well, I spent a lot of time stuck in the snow on my back! Haha! People were doing tricks over me while I laid there exhausted trying to drag myself back up! I did enjoy it though when I started to pick it up better.¡±
ANYA: ¡°Haha! Would you go back there?¡±
ME: ¡°Of course! Been wanting to go back for a long time! I want to redeem myself!¡±
ANYA: ¡°Sounds fun! I¡¯m dreaming.¡±
ME: ¡°Ha! Don¡¯t get me started!¡±
ANYA: ¡°So many places we could explore!¡±
ME: ¡°Even exploring the garden at my apartment complex would be fun with you.¡±
ANYA: ¡°Awww babe.¡±
ME: ¡°I think about exploring places with you all the time.¡±
ANYA: ¡°Would be so great.¡±
ME: ¡°Would be so right for two people in love.¡±
ANYA: ¡°It would be babe.¡±
Anya¡¯s thoughtful texts added to the positive feelings I experienced about us as she appeared to realize she could still go skiing with the kids even without Jackson. It warmed my heart to feel she didn¡¯t pit them against me, as she realized they could even go snowboarding with me too.
I didn¡¯t hear back from Anya for the rest of the day, and it bummed me out after a respite from my sadness. I decided to upload some songs from iTunes to the iPod she gave me for Christmas, and I stumbled upon an old Olivia Newton John song I hadn¡¯t heard in years called ¡°Magic¡±. I decided to listen to the lyrics, something I never did in the eighties when these songs came out. The words of the song ¡°Magic¡± blew me away as they seemed to capture some thoughts of mine, and how the power to know was all in Anya¡¯s hands. All she had to do was listen and trust herself, like she did the night she approached me almost eighteen months ago. As the last day of the year approached, I wanted to be the first person to wish her a happy birthday, like I did last year, but I also couldn¡¯t help but realize how I wouldn¡¯t be able to stomach another New Year¡¯s Eve apart from her. My heart would never be able to endure another New Year¡¯s Eve like this one, and without knowing what the unknown variables truly were. I had to find a way to subtly nudge her into listening to herself so I enlisted the help of something I knew she loved too; music, particularly Olivia Newton-John. Through another one of those songs that had zero meaning to me when it came out over two decades ago, but meant everything today. Without revealing the name of the song or the artist, I began to text her the lyrics to ¡°Magic¡± at midnight. She might not have loved her birthday, but her birth day represented a great day in my life.
ME: ¡°I was playing around loading songs on my iPod and came across this one I hadn¡¯t heard in decades. Do you know the title of the song and who sings it?. Here are the lyrics.¡±
¡°Come take my hand.
You should know me.
I¡¯ve always been in your mind.
You know I will be kind.
I¡¯ll be guiding you.
Building your dream¡
has to start now.
There¡¯s no other road to take.
You won¡¯t make a mistake.
I¡¯ll be guiding you.
You have to believe we are magic.
Nothin¡¯ can stand in our way.
You have to believe we are magic.
Don¡¯t let your aim ever stray.
And if all your hopes survive.
Your destiny will arrive.
I¡¯ll bring all your dreams alive.
For you.
Stolen content warning: this tale belongs on Royal Road. Report any occurrences elsewhere.
From where I stand¡
You are home free.
The planets align so rare.
There¡¯s promise in the air.
I¡¯ll be guiding you.
Through every turn¡
I¡¯ll be near you.
I¡¯ll come anytime you call.
I¡¯ll catch you if you fall.
I¡¯ll be guiding you.
You have to believe we are magic.
Nothin¡¯ can stand in our way.
You have to believe we are magic.
Don¡¯t let your aim ever stray.
And if all your hopes survive.
Your destiny will arrive.
I¡¯ll bring all your dreams alive.
For you.¡±
ME: ¡°And although you don¡¯t love your birthday much, I do love it very much because even though I didn¡¯t know you at the time, it turned out to be a very special day in my life. I¡¯ll be missing your kiss tomorrow night but I¡¯ll be dreaming about it too. Happy birthday, Beautiful.¡±
As I wrote down the lyrics to send to her, I couldn¡¯t believe how it encapsulated all I felt about Anya¡¯s situation, as if Olivia Newton John was in the same boat we were in. If I could thank Olivia Newton John for her song, I would have simply because it inspired me to endure my heart ache and to try and see the big picture in play and not the short-term pain I felt. I knew the next day was going to be the hardest one, but if I could get through that, I believed in the magic of the new year. Although two thousand and eight was arguably one of the best years of my life, I couldn¡¯t wait for the time to pass, to bring us closer to the magic of the truth that we were made for each other.
The next morning, bright and early, Anya let me know she received my text.
ANYA: ¡°Thank u for remembering my Bday. You were the first to wish me a happy Bday like last year! Give me a hint on the song and artist. Hard for me w/o the tune.¡±
ME: ¡°The artist starred in the movie ¡°Grease¡± and the name of the song is what a person who performs illusions does, like pulling a rabbit out of a hat. How r u?¡±
ANYA: ¡°I¡¯m good. How r u?¡±
ME: ¡°R u really good? Are you just telling me that?¡±
ANYA: ¡°No, but trying.¡±
ME: ¡°I want you to be happy, babe. It¡¯s your birthday!¡±
ANYA: ¡°I was happy when I turned on my fone to your texts.¡±
ME: ¡°I¡¯m glad that made you happy babe. Any guesses?¡±
ANYA: ¡°I still don¡¯t know. I¡¯m sorry.¡±
ME: ¡°It¡¯s ¡°Magic¡± by Olivia Newton John. I stumbled upon it last night. Haven¡¯t heard it in years. It¡¯s a good upbeat song. I miss you.¡±
ANYA: ¡°I can¡¯t wait to listen to it! Been a long time! I miss you too. Btw, the only ones I¡¯ll be kissing at midnight are my kids and you in my dreams.¡±
ME: ¡°Really?¡±
ANYA: ¡°I promise babe.¡±
Although very sweet and well intentioned, her promise confused me. She told me she never kissed him to begin with, one of the reasons I chose to be in her life. So, she basically relayed information that didn¡¯t trouble me¡until now. There was actually a possibility on this trip she would kiss him on New Year¡¯s? Not only that, Carolyn was with them and knew everything. Although I never discussed it with Anya until the night I witnessed it, Carolyn was living a lie all her own as well. I guess they would kiss their husbands at midnight for the sake of the kids, but didn¡¯t it still make them frauds? Her promise was considerate though, but it surprised me to learn there was a chance she could kiss him at midnight. If anything she told me about him was true, even if I wasn¡¯t in her life, I couldn¡¯t understand how she still could kiss him even for the sake of the kids.
Later that afternoon I began to get a headache, but I didn¡¯t plan to do anything on New Year¡¯s eve since it fell on a Wednesday. The only time I celebrated New Year¡¯s was with friends to bring in the year two thousand and when I had a girlfriend, Sara, nineteen years ago in nineteen ninety. Later that afternoon I texted Anya to let her know I planned to stay home on New Year¡¯s Eve and that I had a headache.
ANYA: ¡°I¡¯m sorry babe. Did u take something?¡±
ME: ¡°I took some Excedrin hoping to knock it out.¡±
ANYA: ¡°Did u take 3 or 4? Is it me?¡±
The emotional turmoil I experienced because of her extended trip undeniably took a toll on me from a physiological stand point, but I refused to break.
ME: ¡°I just took 2. Of course I miss you, Anya. I¡¯ve spent the best year of my life with you. The love I feel for you is greater than me. I have no control over my feelings or my emotions. I don¡¯t want to be around people being a stick in the mud and I don¡¯t want them to see me get away just so I can be alone with you on my mind. I can¡¯t pretend. I won¡¯t and I shouldn¡¯t have to. It¡¯s just a Wednesday night anyway.¡±
After I sent this text to her, I never heard back. My message was simply my life was no longer the same. Now, i¡¯m affected by the things she did and there¡¯s only one person I wanted to spend New Year¡¯s Eve with; the person I dearly loved. I wasn¡¯t built to pretend, and I refused to fake a good time if I went out. The Landyn Lastman before Anya died in a fiery crash and reborn into non-existence. My love for her was no joke. I couldn¡¯t put her in my back pocket and carry on as if she didn¡¯t exist. My love and emotions were real, and real love and emotions didn¡¯t work like that anyway. I could lie to everyone in the world I wanted to, and most would believe it, but I also knew the greatest truth in this world; that I could never lie to myself.
Anya became my weather as she affected the climate of my world on a daily basis. She brought the sun, moon and clouds to life. The choices she made, and even her indecisions, determined if I would stay inside from the rain, unable to move out of bed, or if I would feel warm enough to put on a pair of shorts, a t-shirt and embrace the sun. I knew why Anya had to do what she did. I understood it was for her children. And I didn¡¯t want her to feel anything I did because of that. I just wanted her to be as genuine as possible about her feelings. Why she allowed and encouraged me to be this close to her and when she couldn¡¯t do that, I crumbled inside.
I texted her later to let her know I felt better and wished her a happy new year, not because I felt any better but because I feared she might not be enjoying her birthday worried about me. If she thought I could go out and have a blast on New Year¡¯s after all this love I felt with her, she was crazy for thinking so. At the same time, I didn¡¯t want to ruin her night or day, a fine line I maddeningly straddled as a typhoon of emotions swept over me.
ANYA: ¡°Thank you. Glad you¡¯re feeling better. You have a happy new year too. I love you.¡±
After I read her text, I tucked my phone away and prepared myself for one of the roughest evenings of my life. In the mood for self torment, I got on my computer and googled ¡°Jackson Caiaphas¡± to read through some of his latest news. It talked about his company¡¯s recent move into new corporate headquarters. I clicked another link and learned he recently announced his decision to run for a seat on the House of Representatives along with quotes from some prominent business people and even some notable celebrities who supported his run. It further stated he planned to host a fundraising dinner for his campaign on a date ¡°soon to be determined¡±. I then went to his Company website and saw the picture of him and Anya he had added to their homepage, one he obviously posted to send a message to the man who truly loved her. I delved into a few links on the page and saw new commercial buildings he planned to build or purchase in the upcoming years along with his current portfolio. With a property portfolio that neared a hundred million dollars, I couldn¡¯t help but take inventory of my own portfolio that consisted of a recliner, a couch, and a bedroom set. All that fell way short of the twenty-eight foot island in his kitchen.
That entire night for me went downhill from there emotionally. A property portfolio of a hundred million dollars had to be the reason behind Anya¡¯s decision to stay and why she still didn¡¯t know. Why her friends would think she was crazy if she left him to be with me, and my one bedroom apartment. Why her image mattered to her so much. When I thought of all these things, all these things she knew from the start of our relationship, things I knew nothing about, it upset me to know she allowed and encouraged me to fall deeply in love with her. For the first time I vividly pictured what her home must look like and what her cabin probably looked like on the family ski trip. The more she didn¡¯t know, the more I felt she knew from the very beginning what I faced, and that her indecision should be expected by me even as I learned these things thirteen months later. I wanted to trust her promise that she wouldn¡¯t kiss Jackson. I wanted to believe it, but it lacked transparency as I felt paralyzed by the greatest despair as I learned further details of what I was up against, and what truly kept her in that state of indecision.
At midnight I wanted to text her but I found it wrong to do as I didn¡¯t want to impose on her New Year¡¯s eve celebration. The scene I pictured just made me want to close my eyes and fade into darkness as I never felt so empty on a night most people didn¡¯t.
At exactly midnight though, Anya reached out to touch me.
ANYA: ¡°Happy New Year! I love you forever! I kept my promise!¡±
Her midnight text seemed to show an allegiance to me, regardless of all he offered and all she had. If she texted me a minute after midnight there would be less transparency, but the fact she did at exactly midnight showed me her promise was real, genuine, and one kept. On a night I felt on my death bed, her promise kept brought me the breath of life I desperately needed to survive. Consistent with her texts about all the places we could explore together, with even her kids a part of them. Her text prompted me to thank someone I didn¡¯t even believe in.
ME: ¡°Thank you God.¡±
ANYA: ¡°Awww babe.¡±
How beautiful New Years could have been with her in my arms, but if I couldn¡¯t have that, this would be the next best thing. For her to shun Jackson, a trip he probably planned in order to destroy us, backfired on him. Her midnight text, and promise, was a statement, one of defiance no matter what she knew, and I fell deeper in love. That she not only stood up to the bully, but did it with authenticity, the thing I needed to believe and trust in as much as her love for me.
The new year had to bring big changes as her promise represented the promise of a new dawn in our relationship, one ensconced in total truth. No more deception. No more lies. Just truth and belief in us, all that love required to exist. On New Year¡¯s Day, I felt full of hope as I beamed with pride for Anya, that she chose a crossroad that led to our love; so excited to tell me she kept her promise. It¡¯s all my heart needed. Actions and not just words. A verb before the noun. And it meant everything as it resuscitated my hopeful thinking.
When I didn¡¯t hear from Anya for the entire New Year¡¯s Day, I felt a sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach, as it wasn¡¯t until twenty six minutes past seven that evening until I heard from her.
ANYA: ¡°Hi! Just made it back! A little sore. A snowboarder crashed into me on top of the mountain today. Hit me pretty good. I¡¯m ok though. Going back to running in the a.m.¡±
ME: ¡°Oh wow! Sorry to hear that! I¡¯m glad you¡¯re okay. How was your new year¡¯s eve?¡±
ANYA: ¡°It was ok. Yours?¡±
ME: ¡°It was hard. I missed you like never before. Did you have any problems?¡±
ANYA: ¡°It was hard for me too. I saw couples kissing on TV and I was envious. I missed u very much.¡±
ME: ¡°I just tried not to think too much about it, but how could I not?¡±
ANYA: ¡°I know babe. All over. Turning in. Dead tired. Goodnight babe.¡±
ME: ¡°Glad you¡¯re back home. Goodnight sweetheart.¡±
I couldn¡¯t have been more relieved to have her home as our relationship survived all of the holiday plans she made as I learned one truth. I could never stomach another holiday season. There were one of two things that just had to happen now. She had to at least make me a promise, and if she couldn¡¯t do that, I needed to know the real reason behind her indecision after she asked me to fight for her. After all we shared, I couldn¡¯t go silently. Her marriage would be drawn under an umbrella of truth and no longer under a cloud of deception. How that would go down without her kids finding out, I had no clue, but I had to figure it out. I had to figure how this would stay between Anya, Jackson and I. If he truly knew who I was, I refused to run, cower or hide from him. Not that I wanted a physical confrontation, but rather a discussion on the truth about love and marriage. The real reason I existed in their lives. Not to hurt anyone, but to make things right, the way the Universe wanted it now. I wasn¡¯t the right man for this type of relationship, but if the wrong man found himself here, it was for the right reason. I didn¡¯t jump into this. I waited. I listened. I trusted. If I had known her indecision would make its mark thirteen months in, I would have never attempted to save her. I trusted everything Anya told me about her unhappiness was true. It¡¯s how I built my case against Jackson¡¯s gross acts of emotional and mental abuse. He didn¡¯t have to raise his hand to scar her for life, all he had to do was scar her mind. And although Anya dated another man briefly before me, I couldn¡¯t believe Anya was this type of person either. When she couldn¡¯t help herself from seeing me, then I didn¡¯t need any more evidence to know the emotional abuse levied upon her by the man she should have been able to trust the most, her own husband. Here I was now, a long way away from home, but now up against a wall. My life was either going to skyrocket or going to sink forever. With all that on the line personally, there was no way I could give up on the love of a lifetime.
The next day, Anya and I planned to see the movie ¡°Twilight¡± together. A plan we made before her ski trip. I had a lot on my mind this day as our meetings now could go either way. I felt pressure from my negative emotions, but I knew when she was in my eyes, the world spun right again, and I could forget the emptiness that consumed me when we were apart. The day started simple enough. We met each other for tea. I got to see and kiss her again. I held her hand. I felt her body against mine as we both wanted to be naked with each other. Then we went to see the movie ¡°Twilight¡± and were joined by Carolyn and Debbie, as again I had to sit apart from her; further than before.
She sat in her seat in the dark theater while we watched a story told we both knew well, but as I sat there, I felt so alone. Like I was the worst thing in her life; like a disease. As if this was arranged only to appease me. I didn¡¯t feel the same love I felt from her when we saw ¡°Nights in Rodanthe¡± like when she handed me a heart she scribbled on a Post It note. I reasoned maybe she told Carolyn and Debbie we were broken up, and that¡¯s why she acted differently, but I felt like a pawn on a chess board as I sat there with the hope she would cave in to come sit next to me, and put her hand in mine, but she never came.
When the movie ended, a movie with so many scenes that captured our love over the last thirteen months, she just got inside her car and drove off as if I wasn¡¯t even there. She then texted me to call her, and I did, to let me know she planned to go to a local bar with Carolyn and Debbie for a drink before she headed home. An invite did not come my way as well as she told me she needed to be home in forty minutes because Katie waited for her. Three hours later though, I received a text from her to tell me she was just leaving the bar and to call her because she only had eight minutes for me before she got home.
I suddenly learned these kids she pitted against me, could be independent of her when she got a chance to hang with her friends. I reeled from the fact after such a romantic movie, she never came into my car to steal a kiss like she used to. She just disappeared with her friends while her ¡°best friend¡± sat alone with hope in a heart that bled. When I called her, we talked about the movie, how she liked the part when both Edward and Bella laid in bed together after he decided he was afraid he may lose control and hurt her. When Anya recalled this part of the movie, it did remind me of my emotions, how they felt out of my control at times, yet I fought them back like Edward did, afraid to share them because I was afraid to hurt her. Anya also loved the part when Bella wanted to be a vampire, similar to wanting to be free from the world she knew, much like Anya¡¯s situation which made me feel a little better. Tears began to fall from my eyes when she told me that as it meant that much after all the negative thoughts I felt after and during the movie. If Bella became a vampire, she would be with Edward forever. And in the same sense, I wanted the same from Anya, for her to become a vampire by choosing love over a fake life.
Instead of going home to be depressed, I decided to visit my parent¡¯s house. As always, my mom was home, and my father was at the park. My mom greeted me with a towel wrapped around her head an act she put on for me as if she just took a shower. She smiled her usual smile at me completely oblivious to the sad fact I knew her secret. Much like I knew when she had gotten me the electric football game for Christmas when I was a kid. I sat there in earnest for her to tell me about her hair loss, but she never did as she opted to paint a garden portrait with the running crystal blue stream with artful strokes of silence and good fortune. How the chemotherapy was working and how she believed her cancer was in full remission. All that never came from her Oncologist, but rather all to put my mind at ease. Once I gave her such the accomplishment, she opened a floodgate and asked me about Anya.
¡°She just returned home from a ski trip with the kids and her husband.¡± I reluctantly revealed. ¡°They went with family friends too, though.¡±
¡°How did you feel about it?¡± she asked.
¡°To be honest, I had the toughest time with it.¡± I said. ¡°I didn¡¯t give her grief over it, but it was hard.¡±
¡°Did you do anything on New Year¡¯s eve?¡±
¡°No. I stayed home.¡±
¡°You what? You did? Really?¡±
¡°Yep.¡±
¡°Don¡¯t you always go out on New Year¡¯s.¡±
¡°I hadn¡¯t been out on New Year¡¯s eve in years, Mom.¡± I said. ¡°I can¡¯t remember the last time so it was no big deal. I just felt lonelier than usual.¡±
¡°What was on your mind?¡±
¡°What she was doing. Mostly if she was doing anything with her husband that would hurt me if I knew.¡± I said.
¡°They can¡¯t do much, Landy.¡±
¡°What do you mean they can¡¯t do much?¡±
¡°They have kids, Honey. Teenagers.¡± she said. ¡°When your kids are at that age, it¡¯s hard to do much of anything anymore.¡±
¡°I don¡¯t know. They¡¯re rich enough to get their own cabin.¡± I stated. ¡°If they really wanted to do something¡I think they could. They¡¯re not like you and Dad, Mom. These are people that don¡¯t live in the normal world. Most people divorce in the normal world in a situation like hers, so I¡¯m beginning to believe this isn¡¯t normal for her to still be married to him at this point.¡±
¡°What are you going to do?¡± she asked.
¡°I don¡¯t know. I wish I knew. The way I look at it; I¡¯m with her¡but I really have nothing.¡± I said.
¡°What do you mean?¡±
¡°She sleeps with her husband every night regardless. I can love her like she has never been loved before¡but she¡¯ll go right back in that bed to lie down next to him.¡± I clarified. ¡°Is what I have really considered ¡°love¡±? This week alone made me realize I will never have her if I stay in her life this way. All I truly have is pain. And without her, I have the same thing I do when I¡¯m with her. I guess if I lose her, at least I¡¯ll only have pain, and no more illusions.¡±
¡°What are you thinking?¡±
¡°I would have a better chance of being with her¡if I wasn¡¯t with her.¡±
¡°Hmmm.¡± she contemplated. ¡°You know your story better than I do. I don¡¯t know what to say, Honey. I really hoped to meet her one day¡but you have to do what you think is best.¡±
¡°Sometimes in life¡you have to be willing to risk it all, to have it all.¡± I said. ¡°No doubt it¡¯ll devastate me. I¡¯ll hurt for a long time, but at least I¡¯ll have a chance at some dignity. I¡¯m going to let her know how I truly feel about everything. I love her to death, but I¡¯m dying.¡±
My mother could only nod her head in understanding. She had her own battle right now, and she didn¡¯t need to feel my battle too. It really left me with no one to talk to, and no place to sort out my emotions. I only knew the truth about me and how her distance from me on this day seemed to widen. I couldn¡¯t say with any certainty I¡¯d be able to corral my emotions without being hurtful towards her if she did anything with Jackson on Valentine¡¯s Day. Or if she went to Europe again with him. Or if she celebrated another year of marriage with glasses raised in cheer. So at this point I knew, if I couldn¡¯t be her Edward, she would never choose to become a vampire.
As I drove home from my parent¡¯s house and further contemplated my epiphany, I texted Anya to tell her I missed her, and she texted me back over an hour later.
ANYA: ¡°I¡¯m ok babe. Sorry if I worry you. I miss u too. What r u up to?¡±
ME: ¡°Just got done visiting my parents. Happy to know you¡¯re ok.¡±
ANYA: ¡°Hope you had a nice visit with your parents. I will say goodnight now. I love you forever.¡±
ME: ¡°Goodnight. I love you forever.¡±
After our text exchange, I felt more determined to learn all I needed to know. To face the truth of her indecision. I could no longer pretend I was happy she pitted her kids against me after all we shared and after she wanted me to fight for her. It wasn¡¯t right and it didn¡¯t feel like love, or at least consistent with the love she led me to believe she had for me. If she truly loved me, she would understand my position and at least make a promise. This relationship wasn¡¯t about one person, it was about us, and the time had come to lay it on the line to learn all she hid from me. I had to acknowledge the fact there was something wrong with her love for me if I felt like a disease to her. If she didn¡¯t truly love me, I could easily move on, but if she claimed to love me, like she did for the last year, I needed her to understand what love truly was. It had to be a verb before it became a noun as her indecision buried me alive. Our dream, a dream she led me to believe was hers as well, had to morph into a reality this year, and I felt if she truly loved me. If what we shared meant anything to her at all, then she would understand why I felt the way I did, and make me the promise any two people in love deserved.
The third day of the year two thousand nine was a tough one for me. I didn¡¯t hear from her in the morning and coupled with her extended stay at the bar last night, even as Katie waited at home for her, my heart felt more urgency than normal as my stomach fought to hold its contents. I decided to send her a ¡°feeler¡± text, a romantic one for the woman who didn¡¯t kiss her husband at midnight on New Year¡¯s Eve to see how she would respond.
ME: ¡°I loved seeing you yesterday. You looked beautiful as always. It¡¯s can empathize with how Edward could look at Bella the way he did in the movie when he has so much beauty in front of him. I hope you¡¯re having a good day. Thinking of you.¡±
An hour passed by, and then another, as the silence allowed my mind to obtain rule over my heart. I imagined the world without her, or the world I believed in, one full of love between us, that now ceased to exist as the toll her holiday plans began to overwhelm me enough to prod for the truth of her silence as I got the courage to turn the love of a lifetime from a dream to reality.
ME: ¡°I would like us to find a way for our dream of being together to come true. We have come too far not to try. We need this love babe. We deserve this after all you and I have been through in our lives. We are two of the best human beings on this planet. We belong together. It¡¯s the Universe¡¯s plan. I know you feel you don¡¯t know what you¡¯re doing babe, but have you really ever? You settled. You stayed after the infidelity. I¡¯m proof of that. You¡¯re much wiser now. You do know what you¡¯re doing. You¡¯re following your heart and fell in love with someone who honors, loves and respects you. Who has remained 100% loyal to you since we met again 13 months ago. I love you more than I love myself. I¡¯m sorry, but I¡¯m desperate now with Valentine¡¯s Day coming up. I¡¯m not saying it is easy. I just feel sometimes you¡¯re only putting off the inevitable. I feel you would have more control over your kids¡¯ behavior if they were younger. I guess I feel they aren¡¯t losing a mother and father. You will probably get to spend more time with them than you do now plus maybe get a break once in a while. I don¡¯t see them struggling because they have your strength in them. I believe they would be resilient like you said they were. Nothing is impossible. With love everything is possible.¡±
After I sent her this text, she responded in under a minute.
ANYA: ¡°I¡¯m curious. When you say I¡¯m only putting off the inevitable do you mean by staying?¡±
ME: ¡°No, babe. I think I believe it¡¯s inevitable you¡¯re going to leave.¡±
ANYA: ¡°Oh. I see.¡±
Her ¡°Oh. I see¡± response was not one I hoped to read as it screamed indecisiveness. I still believed however everything seemed to be in play for her to leave Jackson, and for her to pursue a life of truth, but then shit hit me with an unexpected response.
ANYA: ¡°You¡¯re putting so much pressure on me I can barely breathe.¡±
I couldn¡¯t believe what I read as I flashed back instantly to Denise.
Pressure? Where was the pressure when one wanted to be with someone they hoped wished and dreamed to be with? Was there pressure in love? Did love know pressure of any kind?
Just months ago, she felt like running away from everyone, but now after we¡¯ve shared so much more, she felt pressure to leave? She felt pressure to turn a dream into reality? This New Year¡¯s Eve she ditched her own husband at midnight so how could she suddenly view this as ¡°pressure¡± if she not only truly loved me but also truly wanted to be with me? Valentine¡¯s Day was a day reserved for lovers and I knew if her holiday plans broke my heart as much as they did, anything she did on Valentine¡¯s Day would obliterate it. All I could do was respond the only way I knew how to.
ME: ¡°I¡¯m no expert on love, but I don¡¯t know if true love feels pressure of any kind, babe.¡±
For over a year I toiled in silence, afraid to say anything that may break her heart or hurt her, yet every day the sun rose, the unknown things only she knew would hurt me if I knew, played themselves out, and I could no longer turn a blind eye towards it.
I loved her.
I needed her.
She was not a luxury to me, she was a necessity.
I¡¯ve never felt so closer to another human being in my lifetime and she knew I initially took the path not to be close to her at all. I had the truth on my side. The truth of her pained emotionally abusive past, and as the man who truly loved her, I wanted her away from further harm. More than anything I wanted her to live an honest life, because if she continued to live a dishonest one, it would betray us both. I needed to trust in her love for me. That it was as much a necessity to her as it was to me. While my love hoped, it afforded her the benefit of the doubt, but I¡¯ve gone broke. I knew a promise from Anya meant something. It had value, and that¡¯s all I needed right now, something I could hold on to and believe in, yet it remained as elusive as stardust. I didn¡¯t intend for her to feel any pressure by what I communicated to her as I considered her New Year¡¯s Eve promise, but she appeared to feel betrayed by my text, as if I was out of my mind to suggest such a thing. And when I didn¡¯t hear from her for the rest of that day ad late into the evening, I felt her love for me would end by the time the sun rose, but instead I received another one of those texts. One of those that gave me hope that her truth would soon emerge into a promise at eleven forty-one p.m.
ANYA: ¡°We had a huge fight and he took off. Idk where he is off to but just in case he has your address and shows up don¡¯t open the door. Remember we¡¯re just friends.¡±
After I read her text, I nodded my head and smiled as I rose from my bed, and with my phone in hand, I marched to the front door of my one bedroom apartment. And with full awareness of the consequences of love, our special love we created out of nothing at all, I unlocked the door and waited for Jackson to come take it from us.
CHAPTER 29 ~ WHEN THE HEART ROARS
¡°Did you ever have a secret yearning?
Don¡¯t you know, it could come true?
Now¡¯s the time to set wheels turning.
To open up your life for you.¡±
¡°Make it Real¡± ~ The Scorpions
I sat in my recliner, with my phone in my hand, and waited with patience for Jackson. For Anya to be worried about him showing up at my door, told me more about the man than I already knew. I didn¡¯t want confrontation, but I thought he should my reason for existence. Anya painted a picture of him to be unpredictable, prone to violence and emotionally reckless. A psychopath in its purest form, like most CEO¡¯s were. For him to even consider a visit to my apartment, to feel vindicated and self-righteous enough to do so, he most certainly believed I had no knowledge of his infidelities. That I jumped into this relationship because I lusted after Anya and thought nothing through. Beauty was more than just skin deep to me, and he had me figured out all wrong if he thought I was anything remotely close to him. I was in this relationship for nothing less than love itself, and if it was less than that, Jackson had every right to break down my door, but he had to know, within his hearts of hearts, this was something far greater if she disappeared on him at midnight on New Year¡¯s eve.
When the clock struck two, and as I struggled to keep my eyes open, I called it a night as it seemed a late night visit wasn¡¯t a part of his plans, and when I locked the door, I officially caved in to that reality. When the morning arrived, I couldn¡¯t wait to text Anya to obtain more details.
ME: ¡°What set him off last night?¡±
ANYA: ¡°He wanted to kiss me and I wouldn¡¯t.¡±
ME: ¡°Really? Why would that make him angry though? You never kiss him back.¡±
ANYA: ¡°He wanted to kiss me passionately and I wouldn¡¯t cuz it made me sick.¡±
ME: ¡°I don¡¯t understand his logic. He knows the score. He knows how you feel about kissing him. In fact, you never return any of his ¡°I love you¡±¡¯s so what made him think it was okay to go in for a passionate kiss? It¡¯s a violation of the way you feel about him. R u ok? Did he say anything else?¡±
ANYA: ¡°I¡¯m ok. He is not making it easy. He said he knows I have a ¡°relationship¡± and he wants me to stop it. He made me feel guilty about the kids.¡±
ME: ¡°I don¡¯t understand. How did he make you feel guilty about the kids?¡±
ANYA: ¡°He started in about what I am doing to the kids and how my family would be horrified. I denied but he doesn¡¯t believe it.¡±
ME: ¡°He sure refuses to take any responsibility for this doesn¡¯t he? It¡¯s what you¡¯re doing to the kids, not what he did to make you feel the way you do.¡±
ANYA: ¡°I¡¯m depressed and sad.¡±
I could see the con-artist in Jackson, trying with all his might to emotionally blackmail the woman whose love he raped from her. With his arrogance and hypocrisy on full display, it mortified me to think she might dare to believe the things he told her--that she was to blame for all of this. That he along with the kids, who he decided to cheat on too when he cheated on Anya when she was pregnant, were the victims. The fact society scolded Anya¡¯s response in the face of such emotional and mental violence against her disgusted me. What was she doing to their children by being genuinely in love with another man who truly loved her? One who honored, respected and loved her? Who would accept the responsibility of her children as well as her heart? If Anya was running around in a purely sexual relationship, I could see Jackson¡¯s point; that her actions did hurt the kids. As much as I despised him as her husband, I''d have to side with him on the issue, but Jackson should''ve known what he clearly never knew; the beautiful heart of his wife. She would never be in a relationship of this nature, or its magnitude, especially taking into consideration how much her kids meant to her, for nothing less than true love. It appeared Jackson chose not to see the clearest of all things, blinded by an arrogance all his own, even though just three days earlier, his own wife ditched him at midnight on New Year¡¯s Eve. If that didn¡¯t speak volumes, even with the belief of a ¡°relationship¡± he also knew she had, what else did he need to know about her love for him? A person who cheated on another was not an act of love, in any way shape or form, simply because no one would ever jeopardize losing something they truly loved. I loved Anya so much, I remained loyal to her in a situation I didn¡¯t have to be loyal in. I could''ve easily had the best of both worlds, but the best world was with Anya. To see her smile. To know she was happy. That was the best world for me and I wouldn¡¯t dare do anything to jeopardize it. My frustration only existed because the situation remained and I wanted to be her husband.
After I read that Anya was ¡°depressed and sad¡± I sent her a text to air out my feelings. Fearing more than ever she would agree that falling in love with a man who truly honored and respected her would be misconstrued as an act of hurting her kids instead of being truthful with them.
ME: ¡°So he comes up with this because you wouldn¡¯t kiss him passionately? Couldn¡¯t it simply be because you¡¯re not in love with him? He acts more like your dad instead of your husband. I guess he is looking for someone else to blame other than himself. What I find so remarkable is this man, who not only cheated on his wife, but also his family, not once, not twice, not three times, but four times is trying to make you feel guilty for it. I¡¯m trying to figure out where his self-righteousness comes from. He¡¯s right about one thing though; if only your family knew about his infidelities and the gross disrespect he has shown their daughter over the course of their marriage, they sure would be horrified. And the kids? How are they being affected by this? You¡¯ve been there for them in every way. All I can say is this. You¡¯re the kindest woman I know. You say ¡°hi¡± to random people. You help strangers. You volunteer your time. For you to ever be mean to anyone, or resentful, there must be a lot of resentment built up toward that person, and from all you¡¯ve shared with me about it, I feel you¡¯re justified and it¡¯s for a good reason. I would even say he¡¯s done you more wrong than I will ever know. What he¡¯s doing right now is called emotional blackmail. It¡¯s another act of mental and emotional abuse towards you. He wants you to be there for him and everything he told you, trying to make you feel guilty for his mistakes, makes him completely wrong especially when you consider the reason why you have fallen for another. Please don¡¯t buy what he¡¯s trying to sell you, babe.¡±
ANYA: ¡°I know. I¡¯m so sad.¡±
ME: ¡°Please don¡¯t be sad. That¡¯s what he wants. He¡¯s trying to destroy your happiness by filling your head with lies about what you¡¯re doing to the kids. This isn¡¯t a roll in the hay. This is true love, Anya. Don¡¯t let him treat our love like anything less. You matter too.¡±
ANYA: ¡°I¡¯m sorry I couldn¡¯t meet for tea today. I really wanted to.¡±
ME: ¡°Sweetheart, please don¡¯t be sorry. We¡¯ll have tea again. I¡¯m not going anywhere. Remember we¡¯re in this together. I love you forever.¡±
ANYA: ¡°I love you forever.¡±
Jackson was a master manipulator, a salesman who could sell a snow cone to an eskimo in a blizzard, but I could see his emotional blackmail from a mile away. If he was determined to execute a plan that would only further sadden Anya, I would then take it to him. How did he find the audacity to tell her to look at what she¡¯s doing to the kids? How about let¡¯s look at what you¡¯ve done to their mother? Haven¡¯t you taken enough happiness away from her life? Now you want to make her feel guilty about finding someone who truly loves her? Who gave her things you had twenty some odd years to give? Her parents would be horrified? You don¡¯t think Anya¡¯s parents would be horrified to know how you¡¯ve treated their daughter over the years?
Jackson was not good for Anya¡¯s well being. If her own well being wasn¡¯t intact, how on God''s earth could the well being of her children ever be? What husband on this planet would want his wife to live an unhappy life, especially knowing he was the cause? Anya was the kindest person I knew. For her to fall out of love with Jackson, notwithstanding all she shared with me outside her marriage, spoke volumes about the way he treated her over the years of their union--the kind of man he truly was. I carried no pity for him and believed the kids would be just fine.
Don¡¯t pin your marital woes on me, Jackson. You don¡¯t have to come to my door when a mirror would do if you wanted to know the true source of your marital problems. Facts were facts, and not only am I a part of Anya¡¯s life now, but I chose to be a part of her life simply because of what she told me about you. She shared those things with me because she wanted me to be a part of her life. And if she wanted me to like you, she would''ve treated me like her friends--never sharing your transgressions with me. I¡¯m here because she simply wanted me to be.
Facts are facts, and that was the ultimate truth; Anya allowed me to fall in love with her, and even encouraged it so I would stand up for her at times like these. I represented Jackson''s long overdue karma and his own heart, something he feigned to have, now paid dearly for all he put her through. For all the mental games and emotional tugs at her heart strings, he still played the ¡°kid¡± card--the only decent card he had left in his hand.
Anya and I both agreed I¡¯m here because of Jackson¡¯s infidelities. We were in love now, facts were facts, and I knew love was important for her to have. Otherwise, she wouldn¡¯t have gone to such great lengths to create and nurture it through me by even denying her husband a kiss on New Year¡¯s Eve, that undoubtedly happened--transparent through Jackson¡¯s ire. Anya knew as well as I did that love was important for her emotional well being, and if she didn¡¯t believe it before, she certainly believed it now. Much like Edward in ¡°Twilight¡±, I was the vampire here--not wanting to hurt Anya while she wanted to be bitten. I knew that bite, my love, would turn her into the best version of herself--the best mother. With Jackson, both Katie and Andrew were denied the best version of their mother. With me, I felt her happiness would only be reflected upon her children. She would no longer need ¡°spills with the girls¡± to hide her true feelings from a twisted false version of family, and becoming the Anya we both knew.
If I would lose her anyway, what did I really have to lose? With Anya I had the love of a lifetime, but if that wasn¡¯t worth going for in life, what truly was? I refused to pay the price for Jackson¡¯s infidelities any longer. If he plotted to blackmail her emotionally, play these twisted games and come after me, then I had every right to protect us both. She told him the score, and now it was up to him to look up at the scoreboard, and not blame others for not being able to see it. I did all of what Anya ever asked me to do, even sweeping her off her feet, and as long as Jackson decided to give her a hard time about it, it was time for her to make the move her heart and mind both needed to make. The time for Anya to be true to herself arrived--to realize this wasn¡¯t only about the kids. That there was far more at stake now--her happiness mattered too.
On the fifth day of January, I felt Anya¡¯s sadness and love more than ever before. The most texts Anya had ever sent me in a single day was fifty. By two thirty that afternoon. she had sent me fifty-eight texts with about thirty of those by four thirty that morning. Now more than ever she needed to know how much I loved her. How much she meant to me, and how much I missed her. The fact she refused to kiss him passionately, at a time he suspected she was in a ¡°relationship¡±, was a significant statement and a major step towards the truth that made me fall even more in love with her. Jackson tested her resolve, to see how she would respond, and her answer was a resounding one. The fact he now recognized it as a ¡°relationship¡± was thunderous--to acknowledge this wasn¡¯t just an ¡°affair¡±. But if he ever truly knew the size of his wife¡¯s heart, he would''ve known she would never find herself in just an affair simply because of the love she carried for her kids. It had to be love; the truest form and nothing less.
To suggest ¡°what she was doing to the kids¡± suggested she dated a man of lesser value than him. Financially, yes, but what mattered most? Did he fear his kids would soon learn the truth? That the man of greater real value wasn¡¯t their own father? I wasn¡¯t in their life to tear down their hero. My hope was to keep his transgressions a secret from them, but I couldn¡¯t allow him to just tear down Anya''s statue too. If their kids were destined to learn the truth, then they would learn the whole truth and nothing but--that their mother and I weren¡¯t the villains, but the heroes and maybe even the victims. They would know their mother was seduced from the dark side to the light and not the other way around.
What was Anya truly doing to her kids by loving a man who honored and respected her? Showing them they shouldn¡¯t settle in life? Showing them their parents¡¯ marriage wasn¡¯t normal? Showing them money and things didn¡¯t lead to happiness? Showing them the importance of living an honest life instead of an unhappy broken one worthy of hate? That it was not a rational idea to stay married to a man who would trade you in for two twenty year olds when you turned forty? That it was important to pursue happiness in life if someone broke your heart so many times that you couldn¡¯t help but fall in love with someone else? Maybe Anya didn¡¯t do it the right way, but who was he to judge what the right way was? What right did he have to pass judgment upon her after all the pain he¡¯s caused? What right way was there for a woman in her circumstances? Why couldn¡¯t she be afforded a relationship such as ours, so if she left him, she would know without a doubt she would be truly loved? After all the emotional and mental abuse she endured for over fifteen years, she wasn¡¯t allowed a trial run to know true love awaited her? How dare anyone judge her! Pass judgment on me for giving her the chance. Pass judgment on me for enduring all I did. Pass judgment on me for trusting her pain. The only time Anya should ever be judged is if she lied about the sorrow in her life that encouraged me to be here. That should be the only judgment passed upon her. If she solely pursued a sexual relationship, then she¡¯s in the wrong, and should fall under judgment--that would hurt the kids. But how could Jackson tolerate this if he knew it was only a sexual relationship? He wanted the relationship to stop, but did his own arrogance blind him to the reality she had no plans to stop, unless I did? Jackson toiled in a complete state of denial, but this denial existed long before I came along. He had the responsibility to teach his kids, just as much as Anya had an obligation to, that their marriage was not a relationship but a business partnership--a hoax they put on to entertain clients, friends and family. The only question left now was when the circus planned to leave town as they both appeared to be too caught up in receiving their ¡°Parents of the Year¡± award, an honor that only existed in their minds.
With the tension apparent between them, Jackson refused to accept his role in a loveless marriage for the sake of the kids, demanding her to abandon our love and be there for him. I understood his anger and frustration, but she was honest with her feelings for him years before I existed--that she was not in love with him and only still there for the kids. He let our relationship go on for over a year, yet did nothing, too consumed with himself than nipping it in the bud like any other spouse would. Did Jackson believe Anya¡¯s relationship with me was some sort of therapy for her? We were so much in love; Jackson¡¯s marriage of pride was now in full crisis mode. He even demanded her to return to her unhappiness and remain with him. What husband, who truly loves his wife, does that? He had fifteen years of second chances and now he wanted another round?
Anya no doubt felt the tension too; the pressure to either ask him to leave or for her to leave. I just wanted my voice to be heard in the matter because of the manipulation and mind games he preyed on her heart with. Did her well being mean anything to him? Did he think she had it all together only when she was with him? Anya was not in love with Jackson because of Jackson, not because of me. She even ¡°hates her life¡± because of him after constantly chipping her heart away for years yet he still felt deserving of chance after chance? Why? Because now she was truly happy and in love again? What gave him the right to make her feel guilty about being in love after all he¡¯s taken from her? Did the title of husband give him that right? He put himself above her for years and now he paid the ultimate price. I respected Jackson as a father and his right to air, but that was it. He knew the things he said to her would get back to me, and if he was indirectly speaking to me, he should be informed my shoulder wouldn¡¯t be there for him to cry on. As Anya¡¯s husband, he did not have my respect at all, and I didn¡¯t care how popular he was or how big he planned to be. All Jackson had was a contract with Anya, a thing broken every day no one was going to hell for. Each time he attacked her psychologically, I''d be right there to protect her and, if needed, to return hostile fire.
Jackson forced me to devise a battle plan to protect her from his manipulative heart tugging tactics. He was convinced this was a ¡°relationship¡± and not an affair, and Anya told me he would hide an affair from people but wouldn¡¯t do the same if he knew she had a ¡°relationship¡±. If she ever identified herself as my girlfriend, and not just a sex partner, he would go to her kids with this information. He would even go to her friends after he went to her parents as well. He would do whatever was necessary to justify himself as a loving caring husband and a victim rather than the instigator of the abuse. If he decided to go that route, the truth of his infidelities had to be known. I just couldn¡¯t allow him to get away with making Anya out to be the bad guy. If he decided to kill me over it, then that was my destiny--at least Anya would be free to find love again. What good was true love anyway, if you weren¡¯t willing to risk it all? I refused to allow him to hurt her anymore; not on my watch. If Anya hated me for it, then I would live with it, but I only did so because I loved her--born from an act of protection, not from an act of hurt. If she couldn''t see it as a form of my love, then she had zero intention of ever being with me and at least I¡¯d be aware of the truth. As cold as it would be, I could then act in accordance without living in a world of denial. I refused to live a dishonest life for anyone, especially myself. This dishonest lifestyle was temporary, and not something I could continue to live--it hurt way too much now. I didn¡¯t want Anya to live a lie for the rest of her life. If she loved me, she would justify me. The truth about his disrespect must be brought out from the shadows. Anya was too sweet, too caring and too loving, all of which saved my life in many ways. She still found hope in life, and it¡¯s hard to find good people on this earth like her who has gone through so much who still believed in love. I didn¡¯t want to lose her let alone see her with an abusive husband anymore.
With all these thoughts that traveled from my heart to my mind, I composed a text that read the following.
ME: ¡°Anya, my love, the truth will set you free. You can be happy again. You will be happier with me than if you stayed. I have no doubt of that and the kids will be fine. I love you too much for you to spend a lifetime in sadness. If you¡¯re miserable, the kids will be as well. They need to see parents who don¡¯t live separate lives. They would not be losing a mother or a father. This can work out better than you think but you have to be true to yourself. You do not love your husband. Our relationship is proof of that. You loathed him enough to fall in love with someone else and that is substantial simply because you¡¯re not the type of person who would hurt anyone on purpose. Don¡¯t be afraid. That¡¯s what he wants. He is trying to create a FOG (a sense of Fear, Obligation, and Guilt) inside your head. After all you¡¯ve endured because of the great disrespect he has shown your heart, you should never be made to feel guilty about wanting to be happy. You should not have to hate your life simply for the sake of others. Everyone around you will only end up paying for it. Be true to yourself. It¡¯s not going to be easy but you have me to support you completely, 100% and even have the support of some friends who know what you have gone through on some level. They need to understand the real reasons why you are seeing me if your husband decides to expose you. He has manipulated, even exploited and abused you emotionally and mentally your entire adult life. You¡¯re not the same fragile 19 year old girl he met anymore. You¡¯re now a strong, brave and wise 41 year old woman who deserves the best this life can offer her. Again, if we were just friends, and never shared a single moment together, I would say the same thing. You and I both know he will not stay for the sake of the kids. He demands and expects your love because he wants everyone to believe within earshot he loves his wife, and he¡¯s a supreme husband and human being. Please choose to be with me babe. We¡¯ll set the record straight and make this right. You matter. You need to matter. And that matters to anyone who truly loves you.¡±
When I finished, I didn¡¯t send it but rather saved it to my drafts, in case I needed it at a later time. Although Jackson could appear at my front door at any time these days, I didn¡¯t see how he could ever do so. He never texted me. He never called me. Why would he come to see me if those other options were available to him?
I began to fear Anya believed there was no way she would be able to see me again and this would spur her to be massively depressed and sad. That she feared he would watch her with hawk eyes and expose her to the kids if she dared to continue our relationship. It left me to wonder though why Anya was so afraid to do the same to him. Wouldn¡¯t the threat to expose him be an easy decision for her to make since it was an easy decision for her to date me? One she admitted she couldn¡¯t help? What stopped her from revealing the truth about Jackson to friends and family in self defense, if he told her own children about us? Didn¡¯t she have more of a leg to stand on especially if he did something that vicious and vindictive? I knew he built a brand, an image of himself he sold to others. A public fa?ade he relied on to generate income for his family, but he ransacked her emotionally to do it, and sucked the spirit right out of her to pursue his own aspirations. Sure, the family benefited from it but at what cost? Their lives and image now morphed into a fraudulent one.
If Anya gave into Jackson¡¯s mind games, I would feel she chose him over me because she chose him as the voice of reason, and not the voice of treason. It depressed me to think if she stopped our relationship, it would mean he owned her, and if that was the case, I never had a chance to begin with. Anya had to own this decision, and it had to be hers to make. He told her she could have the house, therefore if she stayed in the house and asked him to leave, the kids would stay put and they don¡¯t lose their friends. Something she feared for them to lose. Maybe they both could still share the residence, and Anya could come stay with me on the days she didn¡¯t have Katie and Andrew? It would be hard, but for the kids they could work something out. Why would they need to sell the house? Jackson even told Anya he would leave if she asked him to, but I knew now he only said it because the kids would blame her if she asked him to get lost. His olive branch was only a setup, and she knew it as well as I did.
It was simple arithmetic to me; no trust plus no respect equaled an unhappy marriage so Anya could never tell me she would be happier in this marriage than out of it. Jackson didn¡¯t bring Anya into this world, love did, something she needed, and couldn¡¯t go the rest of her life without. She needed to be happy again as I believed her kids would be better off to see their mother as a loving person and not a parent they perceived to be unloving as nothing could be so far from the truth. I thought of ways I could cheer her up and even though I could never send her flowers, I thought what if I sent them to Katie as a secret admirer from school like I did for Karyn years ago? I could then tell Anya, after she told me Katie received flowers from a secret admirer, they were from me to her. As I mulled it over further, and although I felt Katie would never know, I would, and I started to think it was a pretty creepy thing to do. I didn¡¯t want to use her kids as a tool to get closer to Anya as I felt it would only give Anya another reason to stay on the fence, so I nixed the idea and never considered it again. I just wanted to touch her so badly but felt so hopeless.
The next morning, I didn¡¯t hear from Anya, and after a day that saw her set a record for texts sent to me, I found it disconcerting. I then feared I was too opinionated about Jackson, and maybe she didn¡¯t appreciate some of the things I said, so I decided to explain myself in a text to her to save myself from further negativity.
ME: ¡°I hope u know when I say or text you the things I did a couple nights ago that you don¡¯t think I¡¯m lecturing you. I am just very protective and defensive of you. I don¡¯t like it when anyone tries to hurt or manipulate you. I just love you to death and I don¡¯t want anyone hurting you. What he tried to do upset me and I had to vent. To go in for a passionate kiss was disrespectful to you simply b/c of what you communicated to him. I know he¡¯s your husband but it was still a violation of how you feel towards him. It¡¯s like he never respects the reasons you feel the way you do and that he owns you. It¡¯s like ¡°you¡¯re going to have to get over it or else¡±. I¡¯m just venting babe. I¡¯m always going to naturally defend you. Always. I know you want a break from this so I¡¯ll shut up. I¡¯m glad he recognized this as a ¡°relationship¡± though. I would think after 21 years he would know the beauty of his wife¡¯s heart and mind wouldn¡¯t allow her to have just an affair. Please don¡¯t comment on this text. No need to. I love you very much.¡±
I feared Anya might text me back something that would spur more wonder about her absence and I just wanted to get what I had inside off my chest. Anya made a huge statement by what she did on New Year¡¯s and it hit Jackson hard. This was the kind of thing that kept me fighting for her to have the love she needed. She went through this length to see me and I refused to give up on her and us. Her head was out of the canal now, and all she needed to do was push a little more to be born into another entirely different but beautiful world, and I wanted to see it happen especially the more Jackson pulled her back into a world that was never right for her to begin with. As I hoped she continued to ignore me, I should have known better she would respond.
ANYA: ¡°I understand why u say the things u do. Thank u for being so protective of me. I know u love me. I would do the same. R u going to work today? I didn¡¯t work out this morning. I slept 8 solid hours for the first time in years! It would have been the night to watch me sleep cuz I was down!¡±
ME: ¡°Thanks babe. Just wanted to make sure you knew it was done out of love. I took the day off. I¡¯m not feeling well. I would have loved to watch you sleep. I need the peace right now.¡±
ANYA: ¡°I saw an interesting story on the news this morning. There was a recent study done in NY about couples and ¡°true love¡±. They said there is such a thing b/c after 20 years the couples still felt the same way. They said out of the control study the findings showed it only happens in 10% of the population.¡±
ME: ¡°I think if they studied us alone they could put that theory to bed. Hell, we¡¯ll do it for them!¡±
ANYA: ¡°We sure could!¡±
ME: ¡°All night long!¡±
ANYA: ¡°Ha!¡±
ME: ¡°I think what we have is true love too. I think we¡¯re part of the 10%. When I say ¡°I love you forever¡± I really mean it.¡±
ANYA: ¡°I agree babe. I know u really mean it cuz I feel the same way.¡±
As the rest of the day progressed, Anya checked up on me throughout it, just like she did the previous day. A woman sadness and depression absorbed. A woman with two kids to look after and care for. A woman with a jealous husband who watched her ¡°like a hawk¡± in an all out effort to destroy her happiness; worried more about me. And all the reasons I fell in love with Anya naturally came to rest in my consciousness as I never felt more closer to her than I did at this time. The Anya I knew. The one I loved to see, even when I couldn¡¯t, appeared before me regardless of all she faced. I knew it still wasn¡¯t a promise, but her texts throughout the day with the reality they were probably being recorded, was the closest thing to one.
The next morning, she texted me earlier than usual as her love shone through brighter and greater than ever, at a time it needed to more than ever.
ANYA: ¡°I liked the last sentence in the second Twilight book. ¡°I squared my shoulders and walked forward to meet my fate, with my destiny solidly at my side.¡± Missing u.¡±
Her romantic text choked me and brought tears down my face as she revealed the purest of all truths; she had exactly what Bella did, a man who stood solidly at her side and nothing short of her destiny. Anya would face nothing alone. Her destiny would always be strongly by her side, a calling that would defend her every time hypocrisy reared its head in the form of Jackson¡¯s emotional blackmail. I¡¯d be there to protect her, to tell her to remain dishonest would be the only wrong and harm she could ever do to her children. Each time I replayed the visual of my mother removing her Santa hat in exasperation to reveal her bare struggle, I thought of Anya, and all I truly fought for her to have; how the role of martyr for the sake of kids who did not know her pain wasn¡¯t worth it in the long run. That in the short term it all seemed worth it, but the promise of an unhappy future could possibly render her children to experience the greatest sorrow imaginable; the fear of losing the one who gave them life, all too soon. Each time I saw my mother in bed, in a darkened room, with a cool towel on her forehead, lost in the scariest of uncertainties, yet basked in a lie to protect her children, my heart broke for Anya. Those images of my sick mother, once so full of life, were behind all I fought for. I loved Anya too much now. She had come too far to turn her back on us. She allowed us to feel the greatest thing two people could ever feel for each other. Things I never knew existed nor was capable of ever feeling; an empathy beyond empathy. She allowed me to be a witness to her pain every day. I observed her sadness and depression, so much so I took it all inside myself to feel the same way she did so I could love her better. All Jackson ever did was take happiness from her, and now he tried to stranglehold another piece of her soul as he played the kid card against her.
Stolen from its original source, this story is not meant to be on Amazon; report any sightings.
¡°Look at what you¡¯re doing to the children! How dare you be happy after all of my indiscretions! I said I was sorry and I¡¯d be willing to lose an arm if I could change things! What else do you want from me? What is your problem? Your parents would be horrified if they knew! Do you want me to tell them what is going on with you? That you¡¯ve found true love and happiness with another man? Things I vowed to give you but didn¡¯t? I only cheated on you when you were pregnant with our son! Oh, by the way, I¡¯d trade you in for two twenty year olds when you turn forty!¡±
I feared after all we shared, Jackson ¡®s voice would resonate with her and not the voice of one who truly loved her. Who truly would die for her. Who truly respected her. Who truly put her above his own needs. I didn¡¯t need a partnership promotion to know I was successful in life; all I needed was her. She legitimized me. Filled my life with a meaning I relentlessly sought. A search that kept me up at nights unable to sleep, I found solace in her. Yes, the pain was hard to bear at times, but anything worth something in life, and something worth everything, was not going to be easy.
After she sent me her sweet text, I told her I was putting myself on a soup diet in an effort to flatten my stomach as I continued my quest to find my abdominal muscles.
ANYA: ¡°OMG! Ur perfect!¡±
ME: ¡°No I¡¯m not, Sweetheart. I have work to do on this body.¡±
ANYA: ¡°Ur a perfectionist!¡±
ME: ¡°I¡¯ll never be perfect physically but I can always improve! I think I¡¯m feeling a little under the weather b/c my body is trying to get used to this soup diet I¡¯m on.¡±
ANYA: ¡°Feel better babe. Really, u look great. If you¡¯re not going to eat at least feed yourself veggies and fruits. Don¡¯t mean to lecture but I worry about you.¡±
ME: ¡°It means a lot you feel that way about me. I know you¡¯re not lecturing me. I know you love me. I miss you and love you.¡±
ANYA: ¡°I miss you and love you too. I hope I get to c u soon.¡±
ME: ¡°Me too.¡±
After she sent this text, I felt safer that Jackson¡¯s words did not steal her soul away. That if she listened to herself instead of a partner who tried to blackmail her emotionally, the voice of true reason would prevail. One that echoed the truth we both knew.
Later that evening, Anya sent me a text out of the blue.
ANYA: ¡°On pg. 173 Eclipse.¡±
ME: ¡°Haha! 173. Eclipse. Yeah right! Sure!¡±
ANYA: ¡°I am!¡±
ME: ¡°No you are not! Stop it!¡±
ANYA: ¡°I am!!¡±
ME: ¡°No way!¡±
ANYA: ¡°Am too!¡±
ME: ¡°You know if you keep this up, the next time I see you I¡¯m going to tickle you all over!¡±
ANYA: ¡°Ahhhhhh!¡±
We had a friendly competition to see who could read the ¡°Twilight¡± series faster. We both hadn¡¯t finished ¡°New Moon¡±, the second book in the series of four, so I knew she joked around the minute I got her text. I never thought I could have so much fun reading teen fiction, but the ¡°Twilight¡± series love story I read, one similar to the one Anya and I shared, made the book that much more enjoyable. I imagined reading the same book together in bed, throughout the day if we lounged around together, even in a book store chair together with her in my lap. I always loved to read but loved it even more with Anya in my life.
ME: ¡°I have to admit I am really into this series. Sometimes I can¡¯t put the book down because it makes me feel closer to you.¡±
ANYA: ¡°I know what u mean!¡±
ME: ¡°I actually found a strand of your hair one night I was reading ¡°New Moon¡±. I know it annoys you when I find traces of you but your traces mean the world to me. I miss you.¡±
ANYA: ¡°Awww I miss u so much babe.¡±
ME: ¡°You made me fall more in love with things I already loved, like reading. I miss everything about you.¡±
ANYA: ¡°U bring me smiles and laughter. I miss all of you too.¡±
Smiles and laughter; the secret to life. All that Jackson, her own husband, wanted to take away from her. It only led me to wonder if Katie and Andrew both knew the truth about our love, if they would want to take that away from her as well.
When the clock struck six forty-eight pm, an hour later, Anya sent me a random text.
ANYA: ¡°I love u.¡±
ME: ¡°I love u too, Beautiful.¡±
And then I didn¡¯t hear back from her for the rest of the evening. She told me earlier she had to pick up some alterations from a mall in Newport Beach so I didn¡¯t know if she possibly had another client dinner, but I felt secure, much more than ever, where her heart lied.
When the next day arrived, I didn¡¯t hear from her in the morning and into the early afternoon. I then began to worry as this was inconsistent with the Anya over the last three days when Jackson unleashed an attack on her happiness. Her silence took a significant toll on me emotionally because of the closeness we felt over the last three days and after all the texts I received from her, more than she ever sent me before. At times like this I felt abandoned, but I also knew she loved me, especially when she ended her silence at two twenty five that afternoon.
ANYA: ¡°Ur birthday is coming up! Catching up over here!¡±
ME: ¡°I can¡¯t believe you remembered.¡±
ANYA: ¡°Of course I did! I love you!¡±
After a whole day of worry, Anya hit me with something so sweet and unexpected. A message full of love and hope that made my heart skip beats. Later that evening, she asked me if I could give her a call, and I happily obliged.
¡°I really miss you babe¡± she told me as she skipped the standard ¡°hello¡±.
¡°I really miss you too.¡± I said. ¡°I was doing some thinking.¡±
¡°About what?¡±
¡°I want to see you on the afternoons again.¡± I said. ¡°I didn¡¯t realize what I was doing when I told you I couldn¡¯t see you on the afternoons anymore. It was selfish of me to take the afternoons away from you like that. If you visit me on the afternoons again, then maybe you can relax on the weekends. I miss you beyond syllables.¡±
¡°Thank you.¡±
¡°No, thank you.¡± I said. ¡°I love you.¡±
¡°I love you forever.¡±
I could be so insecure at times, it blinded me to Anya¡¯s insecurities, as I feared she might think I cut off our lunch meetings because I wanted to see less of her. The reason behind it though was because I missed her so badly I couldn¡¯t focus when I got back to work. It was just hard on my heart to know I wouldn¡¯t know when I¡¯d see her again, and I¡¯d lose focus on work whenever I returned from lunch after she visited me. I didn¡¯t want her to feel insecure about it though and that was more important to me than how it made me feel.
After this brief exchange, I learned Anya wore braces before and still wore a retainer at night, and so did I, for five years I wore braces, and still had my retainer. Although, Anya was more disciplined about wearing her retainer at night as I stopped wearing mine years ago. She then shared with me that her, Carolyn and Debbie witnessed their old friend, Flora, making out with a ¡°fifty year old¡± at a coffee shop, which made me feel good only in the sense Jackson was fifty two years old and her tone¡¯s inflection revealed she found it to be gross. Anya seemed to think Flora resented them because they were still married. If anything, Flora probably resented them, with the exception of Debbie, because Carolyn and Anya both lived a lie. But Anya had a real reason to leave, she had me, and Flora knew that. So as much as I wanted to be on Anya¡¯s side in the matter, I respected Flora for being true to herself, something both Anya and Carolyn failed to do. If anything, I felt they resented Flora for her courage to do the right thing, and not stay for the sake of the kids. You stayed for the sake of the kids when your love wasn¡¯t stripped from your heart due to infidelities. You stayed for the kids when you didn¡¯t help falling in love with someone. I sided with Flora on this only because I identified more with the truth and the importance of living an honest life.
When our phone conversation concluded, Anya sent me a goodnight text which rounded out a perfect afternoon and evening for me, as it dissipated the heart ache I felt that morning. Regardless of Jackson¡¯s tug on her heart strings, she remained true to herself and held tightly to the love she felt in her heart for me. Her inability to live a dishonest life made me fall that much deeper, and to trust her that much more. Her authenticity is what gave me faith in the way my heart beat for her. Her continued communication with me was an act of laying it all on the line and trusting in our love, and that¡¯s loving someone as she fed me the consistency I craved from the woman who I opened up myself to, and shared my entire being with. Her show of love for me, her lack of fear and respect for Jackson, she proved to me he wasn¡¯t going to allow him to break her, to take all we¡¯ve built together in over a year. Most importantly, this was a show of her belief in love, and what loving someone was all about.
The next morning, the ninth day of the first month of two thousand and nine, Anya sent me a text.
ANYA: ¡°Good morning! Sorry I turned off my fone after I said ¡°thank u¡±! I have a small window of time after I drop off Katie at dance. It will be late but can u meet me at the usual ¡°Good Morning Caf¨¦ around 7?¡±
ME: ¡°Good morning! You ask the silliest questions sometimes, you know.¡±
ANYA: ¡°Ok I guess that¡¯s a yes! Have a good day! C u later! I¡¯ll text u if anything changes. U never know these days. I love you forever.¡±
She was right. Jackson¡¯s latest emotional attack left him capable of anything, and he could appear before us at any time. I knew this was a hard time for her, but I didn¡¯t want to make it harder than it had to be. I felt secure in her love for me like never before. I knew she would find ways to see me, but why try unnecessarily when maybe the next day provided her a better chance without worry? I didn¡¯t want to give him more power over her than he had already, so I stepped up to the plate as badly as I wanted to see her.
ME: ¡°R u sure babe?¡±
ANYA: ¡°Should be ok. He¡¯s watching me like a hawk. Hate my life.¡±
ME: ¡°If u change your mind, don¡¯t feel bad. I want to see you more than anything but if it makes you feel uncomfortable I¡¯d understand. There will be another time.¡±
ANYA: ¡°Hun I so want to see you. It should be ok. I¡¯ll c u there around 7ish. I¡¯ll text u when I¡¯m on my way. I love you.¡±
ME: ¡°Ok. I love you too.¡±
Her ¡°I hate my life¡± told me all I needed to know about where her heart truly wanted to be. How could someone¡¯s wife, and a mother, hate their life? To read that tore me up inside and lit a fire under me regarding Jackson¡¯s attempts to end the one thing that brought joy to Anya in this world, other than her kids. To take that away from her, after being responsible for years of her sadness, should be prosecuted as a crime. I knew he wanted to stay together for the kids, but it lacked nobility as it wasn¡¯t done out of love for Anya, but for the love of his money, something he didn¡¯t want to lose. No one who truly loved his wife would make her feel guilty for a ¡°relationship¡± after the history of his infidelities, the reason the ¡°relationship¡± existed in the first place. I knew he loved his kids, but he wanted them to adore him. It¡¯s why he bought Katie a horse ranch. To win her over. To manipulate his own family so if they ever learned of their mother¡¯s ¡°relationship¡±, they would all side with him. To show how irrational it would be for Anya to fall in love with any other man who had the money he did. If he asked Anya for a divorce, I supported the horse ranch he bought for Katie only because I didn¡¯t want her and Andrew to think he didn¡¯t love them. In that sense, I could appreciate his gift to Katie, but I saw how he used it in another way; to make them favor him over Anya in a divorce so he wouldn¡¯t have to pay child support. After all, how could Katie¡¯s mother hurt the man who bought her a horse ranch? How could mom ever do such a thing to dad? The psychological games Jackson continued to play with Anya, and even his own children, took shape the more I learned from Anya as I just hoped our universe born love would eventually trump all Jackson tried to do to destroy her happiness. For Anya to now hate a life that should have been so beautiful, broke my heart in more ways than she could break it.
When Anya entered the parking lot behind the Good Morning Caf¨¦ shopping center, and parker her car next to mine, it marked the first time we would visit Cascade Park in at sunset. The beauty of her visit is that it came on a Friday night, a night I usually hurt the most without her and it meant a lot to have her to take such a risk for us, for our love, in the middle of such chaos. With the unknown variable erased for the time being, I felt safer than ever. When she came into my car she handed me a warm bag before she leaned in to kiss me.
¡°What¡¯s this?¡± I asked.
¡°I made you tomato soup and cookies!¡± she said. ¡°I also burned you five CD¡¯s. The music I¡¯ve been promising you for so long.¡±
¡°Oh my God. Thank you so much!¡± I said. ¡°That¡¯s so sweet of you.¡±
¡°It¡¯s my pleasure!¡± she said. ¡°I love you.¡±
¡°I love you too.¡± I said then kissed her.
With her hand in mine, I began our drive to Cascade Park, as I tried to stave off the emotions her thoughtful gifts provided me. I felt love and fear in them as she only made cookies when she was sad but she also wanted me to know where her heart was if she couldn¡¯t see me as much as she wanted to. I didn¡¯t have kids of my own, but I knew those sacrifices mothers should make for their children, and the ones they should never make. If this was psychological warfare Jackson waged upon her, he would be met with resistance. A resistance he had yet to see by the unlikeliest of all people as Anya¡¯s ¡°I hate my life¡± fueled my passion to end her hate. As much as Jackson planned to fight for her, I planned to do the same because I had more of a right to. I couldn¡¯t allow the love of my life to drink his Kool-Aid. A drink he concocted with lies and fear, without a drop of love.
Upon our arrival at Cascade Park, her lips never left mine as tears trickled down her cheeks and found our lips on a few occasions. I could not only see the sadness but also feel her desperation, emotions I deciphered as a great fear of losing me. A feeling I had yet to experience from her that ended any doubt about her love for me. If anyone, whoever found fault in our love, witnessed what I felt on this night, with all of her love never so evident, they would all understand why I felt they were wrong about her, and why I felt so strongly about us. Why I stayed and fought through the pain, and gave her the benefit of the doubt, for the last thirteen months. Her lips, tears and refusal to give up on us was in essence, a promise to be with me, and the greatest statement she made about how she felt about me and even about Jackson. Her love for me was triumphantly there, but my biggest job remained; to change twenty one years of twisted mind control Jackson unleashed upon her as he tried to end her happiness and our love. Anya¡¯s tears spoke of her passion for me and for us--our expansion possibly leading to destruction. I knew on this night, through her tears, I had to mount a defensive upon Jackson. All because Jackson was technically her husband, didn¡¯t make what he did, right and what I did, wrong. He was absolutely wrong and abusive emotionally in every sense of the word. A textbook narcissist put on a collision course with an empath to set up a collision course the Universe devised on a second¡¯s basis as I felt this was not good versus evil, but rather wrong versus right. And how could a love like ours ever lose against false perceptions and vicious manipulations? How could God even allow that to happen if He existed when two souls were so meant to be?
When our time ended and we left our Cascade Park, Anya informed me she had to turn off her phone at night because of his suspicions; the reason why she couldn¡¯t respond to my texts at times. I told her not to worry about it and thanked her for letting me know because it helped me understand better when I didn¡¯t hear from her at night, although it wouldn¡¯t stop me from being worried about her. As I parked my car next to hers, and before she exited, she turned to thank me, and I thanked her in return. She then turned to me once more, and her soft dark eyes fell into mine to tell me words that broke my heart into pieces for her.
¡°I am so sad.¡± she said.
I didn¡¯t know what to say because I felt the same way each time she left my sight.
¡°Don¡¯t let what he¡¯s doing get you down. You¡¯re a step closer to the truth now than you were three days ago. Okay?¡±
¡°Okay. I love you, Landyn.¡±
¡°I love you too.¡± I said as I put my hand to her face.
She moved her soft hand upon mine and kept it there for a few seconds as I tried to savor each second she did before she removed it and said ¡°good night¡±. I watched her get inside her car as she turned her face in my direction to feign a smile only to appease me, and not herself. She waved good bye just before she backed out and disappeared from my view. I then got out of my car, unable to accept her absence, and began to walk with no real place to go. Lost even with the moonlight above, caught in the disbelief our time together ended; all the excitement reduced to melancholy.
I worried about her sadness; if she would do something about it or if she would succumb to it. After Jackson upped the ante about his knowledge of a ¡°relationship¡±, he also attempted to put me in an evil light. That the man who dated Anya, the man who trusted her, the man who truly loved her, was also a man who wrecked lives. Who fell in love helplessly and recklessly with a great inconsideration how a family could be destroyed, and that perception didn¡¯t sit well with me at all. That was the picture Jackson tried to paint of me though and I knew I had to fight the false interpretation he undoubtedly shared with those within earshot. That both Anya and I never considered how the kids could be hurt, as if Jackson had no role in this at all. If I had gone into this with my libido instead of my heart, I felt I should be viewed as the evil homewrecker, but that couldn¡¯t be further from the truth. The truth was something I always stood up for and always believed in. Liars and dishonesty were welcomed in my world only if they would be replaced or vindicated by the truth. I dreamt of such a discussion with Jackson. I wanted a crack to shoot down his ideology, but was unsure of the route I¡¯d have to take and its perception from Anya and her children after I took it. I had put too much of myself into loving Anya, so much so, I couldn¡¯t walk away without being heard, completely heard. Jackson was not only wrong for Anya, but he was also wrong about Anya and my role as wreckers of a family. He could say all he wanted about ¡°thinking about the kids¡±, but he didn¡¯t want to lose half of the empire he built so he did what he had to do to hold onto it, but I didn¡¯t come into his life to take that away from him. I didn¡¯t want a cent. I only wanted what was fair to Anya. What she was entitled to and what her kids were entitled to. Ron Goldman, before he was murdered, drove around in OJ Simpson¡¯s own car when he dated OJ¡¯s wife at the time, Nicole Simpson. As much as I despised Jackson, those kinds of things weren¡¯t even options for me, no matter how much he hurt Anya. Anya¡¯s heart was all I wanted and needed. I knew having that would settle any score I had with Jackson, however had no right to take Anya¡¯s happiness away from her simply by the title of husband, and that¡¯s all it was, a title.
As I jumped into bed that evening, I started to read the third book in the ¡°Twilight¡± series, ¡°Eclipse¡± as I only wanted to feel close to my heartbeat, Anya. I even began to fantasize she knocked on my door, and when I answered it she stood there, with a small bag of her things, to tell me she was coming home, a hope more reality than dream.
The next day, Anya texted me to ask if I wanted to meet her for tea again, and even though it was a brief meeting, it meant so much because of how much it meant to her. One of those that left me feeling hopeful as it was nice to see her twice in less than twenty four hours even as her husband watched her like a hawk. Anya¡¯s love for me shone through like never before as she remained more defiant than ever to Jackson¡¯s demands. It was only a brief meeting because she had to pick Katie up at her dance studio, and although it made me sad to see her go so soon, when she got there she sent me a text.
ANYA: ¡°I¡¯m glad u took me back when u did cuz I just got here to the studio! Whew! It was nice to see u as always! I loved kissing u! I love u!¡±
I knew the strip mall¡¯s sandwich shop got busy after noon time. so as much as it pained me to do, I drove her back from Cascade Park five minutes earlier than she wanted to leave, but if she had missed Katie¡¯s lunch, I would have felt awful, and I knew she would to, more than anyone.
At five thirty that same Saturday evening, Anya sent me another text.
ANYA: ¡°Have a goodnight babe. I love you.¡±
Although I responded in kind, her text bummed me completely out because it came so early, but I had to understand her every move was being accounted for now. The following morning, at eight thirteen, I received a text from her.
ANYA: ¡°Good morning!¡±
Although her silence hurt, and my night was long, a simple ¡°good morning¡± was like a shot of morphine. She then informed me that she planned to go see a new movie out, ¡°Slumdog Millionaire¡± with Carolyn. Suddenly, my excited heart beat rapidly as Carolyn offered a chance to see, a gesture to let me know she wanted to feel closer to me. I then told her I had no plans and would go to the show as well. She then sent me a text that dug up some bad memories of the last time I met her at the movies; when we saw ¡°Twilight¡± and she ran off with the girls, as I felt like a disease to her the entire time.
ANYA: ¡°K! U know I can¡¯t sit with you tho.¡±
I wanted to text her back to say Oh! You mean like all the other times we went to the movies and I was able to sit with you? Her early good night and the silence that followed already did a number on me from the previous night, and even though I knew her rules of engagement and abided by them, why did she find it necessary to tell me this? The only reason my low self esteem could conjure up was that she didn¡¯t want me to go. That seeing me twice in less than twenty four hours was good enough. So, I obliged her.
ME: ¡°You know what, maybe it¡¯s not a good idea I go. Enjoy the movie, babe! Talk to you later!¡±
ANYA: ¡°Did I offend u?¡±
Did she seriously have to pose such a question to me? Did she offend me? Would she be offended if I texted her something she already knew that broke her heart each time? A little over twenty four hours ago, she told me she hated her life and was so sad, and now she is suddenly fine with those feelings with a chance to see me? After all we shared, and after how close we became, if the roles were reversed, and it was me telling her she had to sit alone in a theater so we could feel close to each other, while I sat with my friends, how would she feel? I loved her so much, I didn¡¯t think twice about doing that if it made her happy, even after she took off with the girls after ¡°Twilight¡± as if I wasn¡¯t even there. And I didn¡¯t want her to get caught by Jackson just as much as she didn¡¯t because it would give him more power over her, but she had to show some respect for me because of all I felt for her. My heart was in this just as much as hers, if not more. I was even willing to feel like a disease to her and for her, but she had to be sensitive to the fact that without her, I was sad and hated life too. I understood everything she did, and if I didn¡¯t, I tried to, but this understanding didn¡¯t come without pain. I wanted to be so noble, and last thing I wanted to ever do was put myself before her, to distract her from her children, but this sensitivity was natural for me to feel, and out of my control. I never knew how the things she said or did would affect me. The same things she did now didn¡¯t bother me when we first met, but after all we¡¯ve shared, all the love I felt for her in my heart, I feared to lose any bit of it. And what precluded her from wanting to be as close as she could to me? She found a way to see me twice in less than twenty four hours with a husband who watched her like a hawk and who told her he believes she is having a ¡°relationship¡±. Wouldn¡¯t her love find a way to sit next to me in the movies? Her love for me inspired her enough to run out of a department store at the mall when she saw me and even with Katie in tow at the time. She ran out of Sonomas one night without control when she learned I waited for her outside. So, what made her so strong now?
I wanted to feel close to her, but if going to the movies now made her feel uncomfortable, then what ¡®s the point? Then again, maybe she was just sick of pretending as much as I was.
ME: ¡°I understand. I know you want to sit next to me but can¡¯t because of the circumstances. I¡¯m sorry I gave you the impression I was offended.¡±
ANYA: ¡°It¡¯s ok.¡±
I felt bad about my knee jerk reaction, but I was more sensitive to things now and still unaware of how things made me feel, especially when I carried more hope than ever because of her defiance in the face of Jackson¡¯s accusations. Every day brought the real hope I could hear that knock on my door I dreamt of since the day I met her so we could begin forever together. But whenever I felt hopelessness, I reacted as if my life depended on it, because in actuality, my whole belief in love, my life¡¯s purpose and meaning, did.
Even though we couldn¡¯t sit next to each other, it was sweet of her to want me there to feel close to me, so I thought it would be a nice surprise if I showed up after I declined her offer. I feared she would feel bad about the arrangement and wanted to show her I appreciated her thoughtfulness. After all, she could have told me she wasn¡¯t going to the movies at all and I would have never known. I also didn¡¯t want to discourage her from asking me to be there with her, if she truly wanted me to be there as I felt it might lead her to believe I didn¡¯t want to be with her when I wanted that more than anything in life.
When I got in line, behind about ten people, at the ticket counter, I noticed Carolyn and Anya were at the ticket window. When they turned around and saw me, their faces formed in a way of complete shock, and not one of thrill. They both then waved at me then quickly disappeared inside the lobby of the theater. Fifteen minutes later when I entered the theater, the previews played and the lights dimmed to darkness. I searched for Anya but couldn¡¯t find her anywhere due to a mixture of darkness and my poor vision. The theater was the same exact one thought where we saw ¡°Night in Rodanthe¡±, but it completely lacked the same feeling of happiness for me as I felt unwanted. ¡°Slumdog Millionaire¡± won best picture that year, but I couldn¡¯t distinguish it from ¡°Gigli¡± as I couldn¡¯t get my mind off of Anya¡¯s expression and Houdini impression during the show. If I felt like a disease to her when we saw ¡°Twilight¡± together, I felt like the next great plague this time around. Even though I came only for her, and never for myself, it made me feel like a stalker, and lowered my already low self esteem as my act of love didn¡¯t seem appreciated. The last time we sat in this theater together, she ran up the aisle to hand me a heart she sketched on a post it note, but now, after all we¡¯ve shared, after her allegiance to our love this week, it felt like she would walk right past me, as if I didn¡¯t exist at all, if she saw me. I then made a vow to myself that this would be the last movie I went to where I had to sit apart from her. Although she wanted me there to feel close to me, it seemed to make her feel uncomfortable more than anything. I guess I thought she would have been so happy to see me she would have snuck up to sit next to me for a minute or two since I sat alone and with open seating around me, after all the theater was dark, but she never came. As I sat there, I felt her fear more than her love, and I refused to put myself in this situation ever again with or for her.
When the movie, that seemed to last six hours, was finished, I seriously couldn¡¯t recall the plot or a single scene because of all the negative emotions that consumed me while it played. Since I felt Anya¡¯s silence told me she could care less if I was there or not, I decided to just leave the theater and head home as this felt even worse than when we saw the movie ¡°Twilight¡± as I got tired of feeling like the Ebola virus. Before I could get out of the parking lot, she sent me a text and asked me to call her, and when I did, I thought she might want to have tea to talk about the movie. But she other things on her mind.
¡°How come you showed up without giving me a heads up?¡± she asked.
¡°I¡¯m sorry. I didn¡¯t realize you wanted a heads up.¡± I said. ¡°I thought it might be a nice surprise.¡±
¡°Well, it would have been nice to know you¡¯re coming!¡± she said with no hint of anger in her tone.
¡°I thought I would surprise you, but if you need a heads up, babe. I¡¯ll let you know next time.¡±
¡°I don¡¯t want you to feel like you have to go every time I ask.¡± She explained. ¡°Just a ¡°yay¡± or ¡°nay¡± would be fine.¡±
¡°You got it.¡± I told her.
¡°I¡¯m glad you were there.¡± she stated. ¡°Did you like it?¡±
¡°I didn¡¯t care for it much to be honest.¡± I came clean only because I couldn¡¯t pay attention to the movie. ¡°Did you like it?¡±
¡°Really? You didn¡¯t like it? I loved it!¡± she exclaimed. ¡°Carolyn and I both did!¡±
¡°I think I¡¯m going to have to see it again when it comes on DVD.¡± I countered, trying to hide the true reason behind why I didn¡¯t like it.
¡°Thanks for coming, babe.¡±
¡°Thanks for telling me about it. I¡¯m sorry, I didn¡¯t give you the heads up. It was not intentional, I thought it would be a nice surprise, but I¡¯ll make sure to do so next time.¡±
¡°I love you.¡±
¡°I love you too.¡±
After our phone conversation ended, I wondered why she needed a ¡°heads up¡±. I would have been ecstatic if she showed up without me expecting her to. If she wanted a head up, I¡¯d give it to her, but it seemed odd. I then considered the reason she may have wanted the ¡°heads up¡± was likely due to a girl¡¯s issue. Maybe she felt dressed down and decided not to wear any makeup because she thought I wasn¡¯t coming? Maybe she felt insecure and didn¡¯t want me to see her that way? Maybe I was being extremely selfish feeling the way I did and victimized my own self because of my low self esteem? I didn¡¯t hear back from Anya the entire rest of that Sunday evening, but I usually never did, so I decided to send her a text to let her know how beautiful she was in my eyes in case I missed the real reason behind her disappearance into the darkness of the movie theater that day.
ME: ¡°I just wanted to apologize again for not giving you notice I changed my mind about going to the movie. I think I may know the reason you were upset about that, and it may be because I¡¯m not a girl. I hope you know you¡¯re the most beautiful woman in the world in my eyes. It doesn¡¯t matter what you wear or if you don¡¯t have your makeup on. You¡¯re naturally beautiful to me. I hope you know I love you for you. I¡¯ve known you too long now to love you for any other reason. If I had the choice between a supermodel and you, I would choose you every time, and it wouldn¡¯t even be a close decision. It would require zero time to make and with no hesitation. I¡¯d choose you over and over again. Just wanted you to know. I love you. Goodnight.¡±
In the past, whenever I sent texts like this, Anya would text me the very first thing in the morning, but when I didn¡¯t hear from her, on a day I really had to focus at work, I chalked it up to Jackson¡¯s hawking of late and it being a usual busy Monday morning for her. But I struggled with that as well, because this represented an opportunity for her to leave him as he continued to rock the boat with her, something she told me he knew better not to do. Before I went crazy, and in a great need to focus in order to get some work done, I made the executive decision to reach out to her just before noon to see how she was doing.
ME: ¡°Good morning! R u still upset with me and ignoring me?¡±
ANYA: ¡°I¡¯m not ignoring u. I just haven¡¯t had a minute this morning. Ur texts last nite or should I say this morning were so nice babe. I didn¡¯t know I was that ¡°beautiful¡± in your eyes. That really touched me and I had tears. I¡¯m not exactly sure what u were trying to say when u said u think u know the reason I need some notice. My schedule is always planned and if I get a window of time or an opportunity to feel closer to you, I try to make it work. I would have been ok if u had told me that u were too busy with work or u had other plans or that u really don¡¯t feel like seeing that movie. I made time to get away and I asked u to go but that wasn¡¯t good enough. Under the circumstances I can¡¯t take that chance in town. I¡¯m still paying for Sonomas. You said you¡¯d pass and the reason was cuz we couldn¡¯t sit together. I could have easily gone out to lunch and blown off the movie which is not too crazy. I used Carolyn as an alibi to get closer to you and that was all I could do that afternoon. You told me you¡¯d pass but you show up. That just didn¡¯t feel right to me. What if ¡°somebody else¡± wanted to tag along? I¡¯m not a mean person and in my mind ¡°you¡¯re not going to the movie¡±, I don¡¯t know what you meant when you said ¡°I¡¯m not a girl¡±.
Her response told me she was still not happy about my appearance at the movies, and now it started to bug me as I questioned who was this ¡°somebody else¡±. And what did ¡°I¡¯m not a mean person¡± and ¡°what if ¡°somebody else¡± wanted to tag along? I hoped, after all she encouraged and allowed me to feel, she wasn¡¯t referring to Jackson. Not a mean person? Did she think I was a mean person? She told me horrific things about Jackson. She told me she didn¡¯t even return an ¡°I love you¡± back to him when it¡¯s said. She told me she slept on the other side of the bed at night. She told me it made her sick when he tried to kiss her passionately. We¡¯ve experienced everything two people in love possibly could, and now she tells me she¡¯s ¡°not a mean person¡±? What kind of alternate reality was she living in? She doesn¡¯t even kiss the man when he kisses her yet she feels bad if he wanted to ¡°tag along¡± and can¡¯t tell him no? When did Anya suddenly turn into Cybil?
And how could Carolyn, knowing all Anya did, even allow Jackson to tag along all because I¡¯m not going? All because I decided not to go, all of sudden it was okay to let Jackson tag along? The guy who murdered her heart? The man who led her to me? These negative emotions took a deep slide after I read her response as it behooved me to think she thought she had a valid argument to let that ¡°somebody else¡± tag along after all she told me about him. Could Anya be that phony? Did she think I was a mean person? I walked away from her because she was married. I trusted her to leave, not stay. I was promised she would if she fell in love with me, but now Jackson was an option because I turned down the movies because she was too much of a coward to sit next to me at the movies? You can¡¯t take the liberty of a chance ¡°in town¡± but you can take all the chances in the world with my heart? What gave her the right to text me what she did? I gave her the chance of a lifetime to make things right in her life. To have a real love. She allowed me to feel so much and to love her so dearly because of her husband¡¯s infidelities to only claim she¡¯s ¡°not a mean person¡±? Did she realize all she told me and did for me to be in this position? I didn¡¯t think she was a mean person, but at the moment she was undoubtedly a dishonest person to even allow the possibility of him to ¡°tag along¡± after all the horrific things she told me about him, that brought me here. And to break it down to me in the tone she did, as if she had any justification for doing so, I found absolutely disturbing. In response, I decided to not consider the ¡°somebody else¡± in my rebuttal as it left me unsettled, but I knew everything at stake for me if I let it be known, so I hid my disdain from her.
ME: ¡°Well, if I went to the movie, and you decided not to go, then whose fault would it be? Mine, right? So why feel bad about it?¡±
ANYA: ¡°Yea but I would have missed u!¡±
I felt her text was sweet, and it made me feel a little better, but the negative thoughts continued to flow as my positive thinking now had to find a way to defeat ¡°somebody else¡±. At a time my hope she would leave her marriage, or at least make a promise to be with me, was at an all-time high, she became worried about being a ¡°mean person¡± in everyone else¡¯s eyes other than mine, who believed she wasn¡¯t a ¡°mean person¡±. For her to describe herself as one made me feel she thought I was a mean person to carry on the relationship. To push her to leave her marriage after she knew from day one how I felt about being in her life to fill a void. The funny thing about her ¡°but I would have missed you¡± text was how she ran inside the theater with Carolyn when she saw me, and how she never came up to see me one time while I was there. Her words told me she feared to miss me, but her actions that day told me she couldn¡¯t care less if she did. That thought alone, that reality, hurt me more than anything, as she began to eat away at my trust.
After our textversation, and her ¡°somebody else¡± warning, I knew this much was true, I had to learn the truth about her love for me. If it even existed at all in reality or only existed in fantasy. Little did I know, our ¡°love¡± would soon face its greatest challenge yet.
CHAPTER 30 ~ A BREATH AWAY
¡°When you reach the part where the heartaches come,
the hero would be me.
But heroes often fail.¡±
~ ¡°If You Could Read My Mind¡± Gordon Lightfoot
Silence greeted me with a harshness all its own when the sun rose as Anya¡¯s stillness wore me down mentally, like a boxer who only worked the body in a match; a tactic meant to wear down an opponent, not to knock them out. When the knockout punch came I had no clue as this year was off to an eventful start as I pressured Anya to reveal the truth about her love and our relationship. I often felt loved like never before, and felt ridiculous whenever I considered the possibility she didn¡¯t love me. Any fool had to know that anyone who did all she did for me were acts of true love, and it was where I truly leaned. However, her silence strengthened the possibility she didn¡¯t know what love truly stood for, and that I refused to believe, even beyond reason. I trusted her even as I lost trust in her, because each and every time the chance of our relationship¡¯s demise seemed apparent, Anya always stepped up to the plate. And that only led to the belief she truly loved me and would find a way to make this work. I also had to acknowledge, as much as she even denied this, that without my prior knowledge, she turned this into me, and us, versus the kids, and not me and her well being, versus Jackson. I felt she now clandestinely pit me up against Daddy Warbucks and the Goose who laid the golden egg. Although she slept in the same bed as he did, we shared too much for me to believe she preferred him over me, but did that chance I was wrong about that exist? It had to exist, simply because the kids were the perfect out, and that brought worry about her love for me too because it never stopped her when we first met, and after we reconnected five months later. A love that only feared to hurt me, and not bring her home into my arms. There should be a vast schism between the love she felt for me, and for her kids. She could lie to them all she wanted to in order to protect them, but a lie to protect me would only serve herself. Katie and Andrew were young enough to be manipulated by falsehoods, and she only did so to protect them, but in my eyes, after all we¡¯ve shared, I believed it to be wrong at this point as it provided them with a false sense of security, and robbed them of an opportunity to know what a real normal marriage and love was all about. At times like this, it drew me back to realize what she put me up against the night we decided to try, what I would truly find myself fighting against, her son¡¯s wallpapered room in dollar bills and her daughter¡¯s horse ranch. And to know intimately the martial history of Anya and Jackson, both were very ill advised acts of parenting as it only taught them things and money were the things in life that mattered most and would only lead to happiness.
When I didn¡¯t hear from Anya that morning, against my better judgment, I reached out to patch things up with her. And at about ten minutes until noon, about a half hour later, she responded.
ANYA: ¡°Hi! I¡¯m good. Out shopping. How r u?¡±
I couldn¡¯t respond to her as her revelation left me in emotional disarray. She was out shopping and didn¡¯t text me at all? It always bummed me out to hear she was ¡°shopping¡±, not because I didn¡¯t want her to, but because I knew where the money came from. And when I threw Jackson¡¯s money with her morning silence into the equation, I worried she conspired with him clandestinely and patched things up between them. As the fear she didn¡¯t plan to leave him after all infected my mind, I felt left for dead, unable to focus at work and unable to move yet again.
A little later that afternoon as I remained silent, she sent me another text.
ANYA: ¡°Can u believe this weather? Can u call me? I miss u.¡±
Without a second¡¯s hesitation, I phoned her with transparent skin.
¡°How are you? ¡°she asked upon picking up.
¡°I¡¯m good. How are you?¡± I asked.
¡°I¡¯m good.¡± she said. ¡°So¡were friends again?¡±
After all we¡¯ve shared, the best word she could come up with to describe us was ¡°friends¡±? Did she honestly think I would have pursued a relationship under these circumstances because I hoped to be her friend? Her text ¡°Remember we¡¯re just friends¡±, when she feared her husband may show up at my door, raided my mind and ransacked it from all positive thoughts as I tried to rein in my pain.
¡°After all I¡¯ve shared with you¡I¡¯m just a ¡°friend¡± to you?¡± I asked then laughed nervously.
¡°I¡¯m sorry babe. I think I should have used the word ¡°truce¡± instead.¡± she acknowledged. ¡°I meant ¡°truce¡± I shouldn¡¯t have said ¡°friends¡±.
¡°It¡¯s okay.¡± I told me. ¡°Yes. Truce.¡±
For her to recognize her use of the wrong word, then apologize for it without a disagreement was one of the reasons why I loved her so much. It was hard to find people in this world who acknowledged when they were wrong, and I would have done the same for her.
¡°Are we okay?¡± she asked for reassurance.
¡°You know, even though it still stings a little because I never thought I¡¯d ever feel resented by someone I¡¯ve called ¡°beautiful¡± before.¡± I said. ¡°We¡¯re good. Truce.¡±
For a good portion of that night I thought of different ways to call her ¡°beautiful¡± before I sent her that text as I considered she had a battle with low self esteem after she was cheated on several times by her husband, but in my effort to help her through that, I only got blasted for not giving her a ¡°heads up¡± because ¡°somebody else¡± might have wanted to tag along. If Anya wasn¡¯t a ¡°mean person¡±, did it mean everytime Jackson confronted her she listened and whenever he told her he loved her, she reciprocated like she did with me? Were her disagreements with Jackson not really fights but rather passionate but considerate discussions? If I thought Anya was a mean person, I wouldn¡¯t have fallen in love with her. But I trusted her enough to believe she was just a wronged person who found love, not revenge. The scariest thing about Anya¡¯s thinking was how she seemed to feel what she did was just fine as long as the person remained blind to the things she did that hurt them. As long as they didn¡¯t know, they couldn¡¯t be hurt, and that was okay in her world. The problem was, an unimaginable pain took shape, and to state, to me, that she was not a mean person suggested I was, even after I proved this when I walked away from her. For her to know I would have never been involved if she defended Jackson to me in anyway in the beginning, seemed to suggest she still loved him and didn¡¯t want to hurt him. For her to communicate this to me now, thirteen months later, was hard to just sweep under the rug and forget as the unknown variable felt more unknown than ever before.
¡°I asked Carolyn if she thought I had low self esteem.¡± she blurted.
¡°What did she say?¡±
¡°She didn¡¯t say anything.¡±
¡°She didn¡¯t?¡±
¡°Nope. She just stood there and laughed.¡±
¡°I guess that¡¯s a ¡°no¡±.¡± I said.
¡°More like ¡°are you joking¡±¡±? she added.
Her conversation with Carolyn transported me back to the night we first met. When Anya told me after Lance left her that no one wanted to be with her because she had ¡°baggage¡±. She sure came a long ways since those days, which made me happy our love gave her more confidence in herself, however, I began to believe this high sense of self existed long before she met me as evidenced when Michel Buble brought her up on stage and sang her love songs that entire evening. Her newly revealed high sense of self begged the question; if she misrepresented herself, to go through such great lengths because she wanted a relationship with me, why wouldn¡¯t she go through any lengths or even widths to at least make a promise to be with me?
¡°I¡¯m glad I was wrong about that.¡± I said as I tried to hide my critique. ¡°You¡¯re too beautiful inside and out to feel less about yourself.¡±
¡°How are you feeling? You told me you were coming down with something.¡±
¡°I feel better. I would hate to get you sick. I know how busy you are.¡±
¡°I wouldn¡¯t mind getting sick from you.¡± she said.
¡°Really? Why would you want to get sick from me?¡± I asked incredulously.
¡°As twisted as this may sound¡and weird. I¡¯d have something from you, a part of you, inside of me.¡± She revealed. ¡°That¡¯s how much I love you, Landyn.¡±
¡°That¡¯s how much I love you, too.¡± I countered.
Her words about having a part of me inside of her touched me as it gave me hope that one day I could give her the most precious thing for her to carry inside from me. When our phone conversation ended, we clearly patched things up as her revelations only revealed regardless of how much we disagreed, she still loved me like no one ever had as I bet my life on her sentiments. That we could find a way, through everything and anything, to reach our goal to be together.
Before I went to bed, inspired by the positive ending to our phone conversation, I sent her a text so she could awaken to a ¡°present¡± in the morning.
ME: ¡°Getting ready to close my eyes and fade away for the night. On page 239, Eclipse. Who knows maybe I will finish before busy season starts? I doubt it! Was just thinking about, actually who am I kidding, I¡¯ve been thinking about it since I got off the phone with you¡when u told me about hoping you¡¯d get sick b/c u would have something from me inside of you. I don¡¯t think it¡¯s ¡°twisted¡± but rather intimate and romantic. I fell deeper in love with you tonight. We have a really special bond w/each other. I love being with you. No one has ever made me feel so special. There has always been a hope I¡¯m non-impervious for the same reason, babe although I¡¯d hate to get you sick. No matter how sick you are though, I always want to be near you. To hold you. To kiss you. My only true love. The only one I hold in my heart. I live and breathe you everyday, constantly. So much so, you¡¯re no longer just in my heart, you¡¯ve become my heart.¡±
The Anya I fell in love with responded early the following morning.
ANYA: ¡°Good morning! Wow Pg. 239! I¡¯m on 59. I don¡¯t think twice about getting sick from you. If I did it would be alright w/me. Like I said, I¡¯d have a part of you in me.¡±
Her sentiment gave me focus and inspiration for the morning to know the they didn¡¯t change from the prior evening. The whole movie ordeal was a request she made from me, and although I had a different opinion about it, I honored her request to never show up without warning again. If it didn¡¯t feel right to her, it could never feel right to me as well.
I did a considerable amount of planning all day at the office for my upcoming busy season jobs. There were many things that could slow audits down, but the banks depended on us to get financial statements to them to meet their strict deadlines. To avoid any missteps during the auditing process, I tackled every potential problem or scenario that could arise during an audit. The banks depended on financial statements to be delivered to them on time so I took extra precautions to assure that happened. As I coordinated and delegated work down to my engagement teams, Kevin Kash walked hurriedly past my office. It wasn¡¯t unusual for Kevin to do that during the hectic busy season planning, but I hadn¡¯t talked to or seen him since the partnership announcement and I wanted to check up on him. When I entered his office, I shut the door behind me quietly as he sat before me.
¡°Hey.¡± I said.
¡°Landyn.¡± he responded in a somber but tired tone. ¡°How¡¯s the busy season prep coming along?¡±
¡°So far, so good.¡± I said.
¡°Are they integrating your partner duties in with this season? Taking some of the managing load off your plate?¡±
¡°No, not this year. I haven¡¯t even talked to Clyde about what they¡¯ll do next year but I¡¯m sure some of my management duties will shift away from me and I¡¯ll be doing some more client prospecting.¡±
¡°You¡¯ll definitely be tan when you visit the office.¡± he said. ¡°Honing up your golf game.¡±
¡°We¡¯ll see.¡± I said as I didn¡¯t want to say anything that would offend him.
Kevin was supposed to be the one out on the golf course soaking up rays, not me. The fact he taught me everything about the technical part of the profession I¡¯m sure disturbed him, and I¡¯m sure if he could pass his knowledge on to me again with the same result, he would, but even I knew it shouldn¡¯t have gone this way. I¡¯ve come to learn though how the universe worked. How it kept itself together as it left me thoroughly convinced the universe stepped in on this one because of what I¡¯ve found in Anya. That no matter what Kevin did, he would not have gotten the promotion as this was all tied to Jackson Caiaphas and his karmic doom. From The Caiaphas Property Group, or CPG, to his wife, Anya. The Universe conspired against Kevin¡¯s partnership promotion and gave it to me, the man he taught all he learned to. Maybe Kevin too, was punished for his love of the finer things? Sadie his wife was gorgeous and money hungry, but he was the same way as he drew himself toward women like Sadie. Kevin didn¡¯t care, He preferred the trophy on his arm, and she looked even better on it when presented with the promotion to partner. The Universe however had other ideas, unknown to me, as it even rallied for me after my direct and angry rants to God, whose existence I doubted. Regardless, I really didn¡¯t know what to make of this as much as Kevin did. Although unfair, it truly remained out of my control. The road to becoming partner hinged on the ability to attract business, and not necessarily on technical accounting knowledge, and as fate would have it, destiny and fate fell in place when I reeled the biggest fish the firm ever obtained that lifted it to a place its never been. Jackson Caiaphas¡¯s business put our small local accounting firm on the accounting map and made it one of the fastest growing companies in Orange County as CPG¡¯s business alone tripled the firm¡¯s value and presented it with unprecedented opportunities. And, if Jackson were to win in Washington, as a member of Congress, the potential business contacts generated from that alone could make my firm, one I had now had a stake in, no longer recognized on a local scale but a national one. I never knew why the Universe chose me, but it did.
¡°Sadie wants a divorce.¡± Kevin blurted.
¡°I¡¯m so sorry, Kevin. I don¡¯t know what to say.¡± I said with genuine concern for him.
He took a deep breath and cupped his hands in front of his face.
¡°I did all I could, Landyn. You know.¡± he said as he shook his head. ¡°I did everything I could to save my marriage. She wants more. So much more¡but I can¡¯t give her what I don¡¯t have.¡±
¡°Your promotion to partner is inevitable over the next two years.¡± I said. ¡°You know I¡¯d approve it when it¡¯s presented. You have a real ally in the current partnership structure. Could she at least understand that much?¡±
¡°Her biological clock is ticking.¡± he said. ¡°She wants kids now and she wants them to have the very best in life. She told me she doesn¡¯t know if she has ¡°the best¡± with me, or if she ever will.¡±
¡°She married you, didn¡¯t she? I mean¡she has to know all that¡¯s reasonably possible and it¡¯s so close, Kev. So damn close. For better or for worse. That¡¯s what she promised. For better or for worse, and not for better only.¡±
¡°Vows don¡¯t mean shit, Landyn. They don¡¯t mean shit anymore.¡± he said as he rose from his chair and slammed a fist on his desk. ¡°Anyone who believes they do is certifiably insane. Maybe fifty years ago fucking vows meant something to people, but not anymore. Not in a two income bullshit household setting. Women are earners now too. Not just men. They have more power. More freedom to do what they want. The truth is I failed her as a husband. I failed her and now¡now I lost her.¡±
¡°There has to be something Kevin. You just don¡¯t throw away a marriage because of one unlucky break.¡± I said as I picked some papers off the ground that flew off his desk when he slammed his anger upon it. ¡°You have to fight for her.¡±
¡°I¡¯m afraid her mind is made up.¡± he told me as he brought both hands upon his hips. ¡°It¡¯s made up. There¡¯s nothing I can do.¡±
¡°There¡¯s always something you can do.¡± I said. ¡°Kevin. You know as well as I do she is making a mistake. You can¡¯t just let her make it.¡±
¡°Landyn don¡¯t. Please.¡± he said as he shook his head. ¡°Please don¡¯t patronize me here. She¡¯s going to clean me out. Leave me with nothing. All this hard work I put in and I¡¯m going to lose it all.¡±
¡°That¡¯s not true, Kevin.¡± I said. ¡°You can¡¯t look at things that way.¡±
¡°It¡¯s too late Landyn. After all these years together, I know that about her.¡±
¡°What do you mean?¡± I asked confused. ¡°Know what much about her?¡±
¡°Her mind is already made up.¡± He said. ¡°She¡¯s already ended our marriage, Land.¡±
I tried to reassure Kevin that his negativity blocked his rational thought, as often times mine would with Anya. That stress played a significant role in the way he viewed this doomsday scenario. He thanked me for listening, and I patted him on the back as I told him things will work out better than he thinks. I then retreated to my office, sat back in my chair and looked out at the city before me as I contemplated Kevin¡¯s predicament. I grabbed my phone and looked for Kevin¡¯s home phone number to see if I could reach Sadie to talk some sense into her. To let her know Kevin¡¯s partnership promotion was right around the corner, but I could not say so with absolute certainty if Kevin failed to bring any business in.
My promotion to partner should have been the ultimate moment of happiness and achievement for me, but it brought me no sense of either. All I could do was respect the way Kevin felt. I didn¡¯t want to lose his friendship and our professional relationship as both weighed in the balance. I began to remember all the good times we had together auditing the same client. When he used to remove the ball from my mouse and watch me try to use it when I returned from lunch. How we used to laugh at the same meltdowns professional coaches used to have. From the time Lee Elia called the Chicago Cubs fans who went to the day games as unemployed to when Tommy Lasorda responded to a reporter¡¯s question about what he thought of Dave Kingman¡¯s performance after he hit three home runs against his pitchers. Or the times he used to call one of the old partners at the firm ¡°Funky Boss¡±, after the old Beastie Boys song, because he felt he was always on his back. At the time, I never heard that song before, but when he played it for me, I laughed hard enough to bring tears. We always had inside jokes about other managers whenever we were in the office. One manager used the words ¡°Uh basically¡± in nearly every sentence while on the phone with clients. And when he came to talk to us at the same time, and used the word ¡°basically¡±, we both struggled to hold it together. Kevin also made me familiar with certain movie scenes from movies I saw before, but never found humorous until he pointed them out to me, such as Bill Murray¡¯s scene in ¡°Caddyshack¡± when the Dali Lama tried to stiff him on the golf course, then promised him ¡°complete and total consciousness¡± on his death bed in order to settle the bet. A bet Bill Murray¡¯s character thought he had going for him, which was nice. He also loved Ben Stiller¡¯s character in ¡°Happy Gilmore¡± where he played a jerk rest home manager who extended arts and crafts time by four hours not for their enjoyment, but because he used them to run an elderly sweat shop. When I thought about all those good times, it was hard for me to know how money affected relationships, even the best ones. Kevin made my time at the firm enjoyable, and was a major reason I stuck it out so long. He just made the mundane accounting profession fun. As I remembered all the good times, I vowed to help Kevin make partner even if I had to give him some of my clients. This firm, and my career still needed Kevin Kash, and I simply would never be in the position of partner without him. I felt this was out of my control, however. That a higher power intervened, for whatever reason, and I now had to find a way to sort it all out.
At around three p.m., two hours after I talked to Kevin, I texted Anya.
ME: ¡°I miss u.¡±
ANYA: ¡°I miss u so much.¡±
When she added ¡°so much¡± in response to my ¡°I miss u¡±, a wide smile graced my face as I forgot for a moment my sadness for a friend. I then informed her I started to take a new multi vitamin that contained caffeine. She wasn¡¯t too thrilled about it.
ANYA: ¡°You do know I know what you¡¯re trying to do, right?¡±
ME: ¡°What do you think I¡¯m trying to do?¡±
ANYA: ¡°You¡¯re trying to skip a meal.¡±
ME: ¡°Well if I skip a meal, I should be able to lose weight.¡±
ANYA: ¡°I don¡¯t think you have anything to worry about. Ur perfect!¡±
ME: ¡°I don¡¯t think so, babe. I¡¯m going to gain weight b/c of busy season if I don¡¯t do this.¡±
ANYA: ¡°You¡¯re perfect.¡±
ME: ¡°This might sound crazy but you¡¯re the only one who ever has or who could ever make me feel that way.¡±
ANYA: ¡°Awww babe. You are in my eyes. I love you.¡±
Her ¡°perfect¡± description took me by surprise. I didn¡¯t know she looked at me in such a way. A way I certainly never looked at myself in. I trusted her love for me so much, I didn¡¯t question it at all. Never found it odd she found me ¡°perfect¡± in her eyes as Anya helped cure my decades long disease of low self esteem. Another reason she meant so much to me.
On my way home, she asked me to call her.
¡°Where are you babe?¡± she asked me as she answered.
¡°I¡¯m on way home now. About ten minutes away.¡± I said. ¡°I love you, you know.¡±
¡°I love you too. I can¡¯t wait to feel close to you again.¡±
¡°I can¡¯t wait to have you in my arms again.¡± I broke. ¡°You know, I¡¯ve missed you so much especially at night, I¡¯ve counted all the times we¡¯ve visited each other.¡±
¡°You did?¡±
¡°I did. Guess how many times?¡±
¡°Forty-three?¡±
¡°Nope. Our last time we spent together was the seventy fifth time.¡±
¡°What? We¡¯ve hung out seventy-five times? How do you know this?¡±
¡°Yes! I kept track of our days together in my journal.¡± I admitted. ¡°You know what the amazing thing is about it?¡±
¡°What babe?¡± she asked with a sweet soft tone.
¡°After seventy-five times, I still miss you as much, if not more, than I ever did.¡± I spoke truthfully. ¡°Seeing you never get old. It always feels like the first and best time.¡±
¡°Doesn¡¯t it, my love? I feel the same way!¡±
¡°It¡¯s gotten to the point that I miss you when you¡¯re not within arm¡¯s reach, even when we¡¯re physically together. I have the time of my life every time I¡¯m with you¡± I said. ¡°It¡¯s really at that point. I just miss you so much, and it has nothing to do with the situation because I wish it wasn¡¯t there for us so I could spend more time with you.¡±
¡°I feel the same way! I miss you before I¡¯m even aware of it!¡±
¡°If you think about it, it is kind of funny!¡± I said as I laughed. ¡°Even when we text, it feels like we¡¯re basically hanging out with each other all day. It just never gets old for me, and it¡¯s never enough even when it is. How could anyone not see the beauty in this? It¡¯s remarkably beautiful what we have together, and if you remove the circumstances, I could just imagine how much more remarkable it could be.¡±
¡°I agree, babe. It¡¯s truly remarkable.¡± she said. ¡°I never knew I had it in me to feel this way.¡±
¡°My frustration only exists because I not only love being around you but also being there for you. I hope you can understand its why I stumble sometimes¡because I just love you so much.¡± I said. ¡°And knowing everyday I can, but can¡¯t, makes our love so beautiful but also so sad. I feel bad for you too, babe because of that. Even when I get frustrated, empathy eventually finds its way within me, and I forget whatever upset me in the first place. I guess that¡¯s love.¡±
¡°What¡¯s love, babe?¡±
¡°When you can see things through another¡¯s eyes more than your own.¡± I said. ¡°I have faith you don¡¯t want to hurt me and you love me.¡±
The narrative has been illicitly obtained; should you discover it on Amazon, report the violation.
¡°I do love you¡and it breaks my heart to hurt you.¡±
¡°It breaks my heart to tell you my frustrations. I know I let you down when I do.¡± I said. ¡°I hope you can remember when I stumble; all I want is to be with you. I only want to make the three things that matter most in life, your hopes, wishes and dreams, come true. I try so hard every day to make that a reality for you. Your husband may be able to keep you physically away from me, but I know he¡¯ll never be able to keep away the feelings you have for me.¡±
¡°I agree, babe. I love you, you know.¡± she said in a demure sweet voice.
¡°I know. And I love you too.¡±
Although it hurt she still remained married to him, without the slightest promise made to me, I believed her heart lied with me, and if Jackson could live the rest of his life in his marriage with that knowledge, the only person he could ever fool was himself.
I texted her some love quotes in the morning and she responded early the next morning.
ANYA: ¡°Good morning! I guess I missed my chance of catching up to you cuz I was too tired to read too! I loved the quotes you texted me. You¡¯re a big part of me too. I miss u.¡±
To read I was a big part of her too, meant a lot. I trusted her words were true as they further stoked the fire in my belief we belonged together. My phone remained silent for most of this day but I found comfort to knew we were back on track after we patched things up. More than ever, I believed the inevitable would soon take shape, a promise from her to be with me. With every hour that passed, I anticipated a text to let me know to come see her at a certain Laguna Beach hotel. If she felt that alone a couple of months back, the pressure to get away from Jackson had to be tenfold now as I felt she could leave him at any time as our hope, our wish, our dream, reached its greatest height.
Later that afternoon at around three, Anya texted me with joy inherent in a tone I hadn¡¯t sensed in quite some time.
ANYA: ¡°Hi baby!¡±
ME: ¡°Hi Beautiful! How¡¯s your day going?¡±
ANYA: ¡°Great! How¡¯s urs?¡±
ME: ¡°Productive! I miss youuuuu!¡±
When I received her ¡°great¡± description, it brought hope to a crescendo as I never heard her use that particular term to describe her day. Coincidentally enough, it came on the day after we patched things up, and synonymous with all the love I held in my heart. This ¡°great¡± day had to be because she found a way to make us happen, the only reason why she had a ¡°great¡± day. He upbeat spirited tone gave me the sense she found a way, even with Jackson¡¯s eyes always on her ever move, for us to be together.
ANYA: ¡°Haha! I miss youuuuuuuu too! What time do you get off?¡±
Excitement filled me as it gave me great comfort her ¡°great¡± day existed because she planned to see me. All I had to do now, was make myself available. If I had a promotion ceremony on this night, I would have told everyone I was sick and couldn¡¯t make it. Anya¡¯s ¡°great¡± day, and her heartfelt ¡°I miss you¡±, presented an opportunity, a moment I had to grab.
ME: ¡°I¡¯m off in an hour, babe. At 4.¡±
ANYA: ¡°Can you call me when you get off?¡±
ME: ¡°Yes!!! Talk to you soon!¡±
A chance to build on the good feelings we had last night presented itself, to embed the great feelings she felt on this day, like a young child¡¯s hand on a newly paved driveway to hold a moment in time for a lifetime. When I called her, various scenarios played in my head, even the possibility she texted me from a Laguna Beach hotel room in an effort to feel close to me. I really believed this phone call could be the greatest one I ever took. Jackson had rocked the boat for the last time, and she refused to live a life of constant doubt and falsehoods, that through me and our love, she chose the truth, and not the life of lies. Anya proved over the course of our relationship she was spontaneous enough to do the unexpected at any moment, especially if it built on our love. At times when I thought only hopelessness reigned, she provided hope beyond itself. I felt this phone call brought with it the beginning of something I never thought I¡¯d experience; a dream come true.
¡°Hi babe!¡± she said excitedly when she picked up.
¡°Hi Sweetheart! It¡¯s nice to hear your voice! I¡¯m so happy you had a great day!¡± I said as I matched her excited tone. ¡°That turned my day into a great one too! So, what¡¯s the latest?¡±
¡°Thanks babe! It really was for me!¡± she exclaimed. ¡°Well, I think I¡¯ve changed my mind about Katie going to the inner city ghetto school.¡±
¡°Really? What made you change your mind? It¡¯s such a great program.¡±
¡°I¡¯m just worried about the unsafe environment.¡± she said. ¡°So, we¡¯re considering a high school in Newport Beach.¡±
¡°How will she get there though?¡± I asked. ¡°The magnet school is just right down the street from your house? Wouldn¡¯t you have to drive her there and back?¡±
¡°There¡¯s actually a bus that picks up the kids and takes them there.¡± she said. ¡°I can drive her there too, but only if I have to.¡±
¡°Tough call. Peace of mind is nice to have though if you¡¯re worried about the environment. You did say the magnet kids are sheltered off from the riff raff though, so maybe she will be safer than you think?¡± I said. ¡°I¡¯m sure the Newport Beach high school can offer her a genuine high school experience, just because if she goes to the magnet school, she will be with the same kids for four years If you think about it, tragedy can happen anywhere at anytime, and the magnet school, even not in the best of places, gives her the edge over other college students she needs to compete with in the market place. Just throwing it all out there for you to consider.¡±
¡°Those are all good points.¡± she said. ¡°Thank you, babe. I have a lot to think about.¡±
¡°Ultimately, this really has to be your decision simply because you and your him both know what¡¯s best for Katie more than Katie knows what¡¯s best for her. She doesn¡¯t know all that her parents know about the world, and how tough it is out there. I think it¡¯s a choice between either having an advantage versus the high school experience. Harvard versus UCLA, maybe? I think you have a better sense of putting her in a position for success than she does for herself.¡±
¡°I know. We have to really get together on this and come up with the best course for her.¡± she responded. ¡°Thank you for your thoughts on it.¡±
¡°I want what is best for her in life. I¡¯m sorry if I said too much, but you¡¯ve told me so much it¡¯s hard not to offer two cents even if it¡¯s only worth a penny.¡±
¡°Ha! I¡¯m glad you listen to me.¡±
¡°Everything you¡¯ve ever said means a lot to me.¡± I said. ¡°And just think. This will help you with Andrew when his time comes.¡±
¡°I haven¡¯t even started thinking about Andrew yet! I can¡¯t believe I¡¯ll have to go through all of this again with him.¡±
¡°It should be a little easier though since you¡¯ve already gone through the process with Katie.¡±
¡°Well, I wouldn¡¯t get rid of the nanny until Andrew was out of high school.¡± she said. ¡°No matter where he goes, she will stay with us.¡±
And just like that, my hope, my wish, and my dream crashed like a single engine plane into a wooded canyon. I performed the simple math equation she gave me and quickly concluded she would keep the nanny for another six years. I then further deduced one heartbreaking detail from the answer; she had no plans to leave Jackson for at least that long. I then tried to stave off the freefall as the good vibes I felt just minutes earlier fought against a sudden erosion.
¡°Have you ever been to Valentino¡¯s?¡± she asked randomly.
¡°Valentino¡¯s?¡± I wondered. ¡°Never heard of it. Where is it located?¡±
¡°It¡¯s an Italian restaurant in Santa Monica. Sounds like you¡¯ve never been there before.¡±
¡°Never.¡±
¡°I know you don¡¯t care for Italian food, but it¡¯s really romantic.¡± she told me. ¡°But I would love to go to dinner with you there one day.¡±
¡°Can we both get dressed up and have a romantic dinner together?¡±
¡°Yes, babe.¡±
¡°I think I just fell in love with Italian food.¡±
¡°Please do me a favor?¡±
¡°Of course.¡±
¡°Please save Valentino¡¯s for us. I would love to have dinner with you there.¡±
Her Valentino¡¯s request brought hope back in my heart as I instantly played out in my head such a dinner with her of such romantic magnitude.
¡°From this day on, I will never set foot into Valentino¡¯s.¡± I promised. ¡°Until we have dinner there together.¡±
¡°Thank you, baby. I want to experience your first time there with you.¡±
¡°There is no other way I would want to experience it for the first time.¡±
¡°Have you ever had the white truffle?¡± she asked randomly once again.
¡°Only the chocolate ones...I don¡¯t like them though because they always get stuck on the roof of my mouth.¡±
¡°Oh babe, the white truffle is a mushroom!¡± she responded in laughter.
¡°Really? I thought truffles were those bite size tin foil chocolates. No?¡± I replied as she continued to laugh. ¡°Didn¡¯t we have this conversation before?¡±
¡°Yes! But I wondered if you ever tried the white truffle.¡±
¡°The mushroom. No. Never.¡±
¡°Oh, it¡¯s so good babe.¡± she stated. ¡°It¡¯s like having an orgasm!¡±
¡°It¡¯s like sex?¡±
¡°Oh yeah! It¡¯s that good!¡±
Again, the negativity resurfaced as I knew she only had ¡°sex¡± with one person, something she made clear months ago, and that person wasn¡¯t me. I then tried to change the subject before even an innocuous mushroom got the best of me, but I found it hard to ignore how sensitive I became to everything she did and said as a life of meaning weighed in the balance.
¡°What made your day so great, today babe?¡± I wondered.
¡°There was just no drama on the phone today.¡±
¡°Oh, I see.¡± I replied, a great swell of disappointment consuming me. ¡°Well, I¡¯m glad you had a great day today babe. You deserve nothing but great days in life.¡±
¡°I love you, you know.¡±
¡°I know.¡±
When our phone conversation came to its end, frustration reigned as her great day failed to align with the hope I had. As I laid in my bed, I could only focus on the negatives and not the positives of out convo, as even the proposed dinner date at Valentino¡¯s couldn¡¯t snap me out of my funk. At nine minutes past seven that evening, the universe intervened.
ANYA: ¡°Can u take a long lunch on the 26th or 27th? I¡¯ll make you a B-day truffle risotto at your place.¡±
And just like that, as if I absorbed an electrotherapy shock wave, my mood jumped to one of pure happiness, as Anya¡¯s association of the white truffle with sex had new meaning, and washed away the sadness I felt literally just minutes earlier. I now realized her association with the white truffle and sex had to do with us, and not with an ungrateful, unfaithful husband. Anya was the best version of any euphoric drug available in life as the mere thought of her birthday lunch idea, was the best birthday gift I ever received. She blew me away when her beauty shone through when I least expected it to, her heart like no other.
ME: ¡°You make me feel like the luckiest person on the planet. That is very sweet of you babe.
ANYA: ¡°Lucky me!¡±
ME: ¡°I really appreciate the gesture. It¡¯s rare I get to eat a good home cooked meal.¡±
ANYA: ¡°Awww babe. U know I would everyday if I could. It would be my utmost honor and pleasure.¡±
ME: ¡°If you were with me right now. I doubt we would sleep much tonight!¡±
ANYA: ¡°I wish!¡±
ME: ¡°All control would be out the window! You¡¯d be in trouble tonight, babe!¡±
ANYA: ¡°Haha! I love you Landyn.¡±
Her act of love meant a ton to me at a time I was crushed by the weight of fear as she found another way to my heart, to feed the life that gave it enough strength to beat.
Early the next morning, with her continued consistency of love, Anya texted me.
ANYA: ¡°Want to have tea late afternoon b4 pickup?¡±
ME: ¡°Can you hear my ¡°yes¡± from where you are? You should be able to.¡±
ANYA: ¡°Haha! Ok! I¡¯ll let you know what time! Talk to you soon!¡±
When we met for tea ta two fifteen, I got caught up in Anya¡¯s beauty as the way her hair and eyes shone in the midday sun took my breath away. She wore a long sleeve yellow striped top that pressed perfectly against her body, as an instant excitement left me in astonishment how a woman could look so beautiful in just a sweater. Of course, the sweater was nothing like a what a Peanuts character wore, but appeared tailored, and only custom made to accentuate physical perfection. When we reached Cascade Park, it took everything in my power not to rip her clothes off right there in broad daylight as the combination of her sweet scent and sensual appearance drove me to insanity. When we reached out usual spot and she turned to me, we both almost jumped out of our seats to place our lips upon their favorite place to be. As we kissed with deep affection and great appreciation for the moment, she stumbled upon the most blatant indicator of my heightened emotions, and when she did, she provided me with such relief it gave herself away as we felt the same. I wanted to make love to her right there, and I even looked around to notice we were perfectly alone, but I couldn¡¯t bring myself to remove the sweater to reveal so badly what I wanted to feel. We didn¡¯t talk much during this particular tea meeting at all, I guess we were both hesitant to ruin the moment of pure passion, but regardless it was one of the most, if not the most memorable time we had together at Cascade Park.
When she left my sight, sadness engulfed me more than usual as I was powerless to its consumption of my heart and my soul. Before she left though. she made plans to come visit me a few days later, so I focused on our eventual reconnection rather than her sullen departure. Upon her return home, she sent me a text.
ANYA: ¡°Missing u.¡±
ME: ¡°Missing u is an understatement.¡±
ANYA: ¡°I love you.¡±
ME: ¡°I love you too. You took every single breath away from me today. You looked so beautiful.¡±
ANYA: ¡°Awww thank u babe. U looked cute and smelled so good! I can still taste u!¡±
ME: ¡°It meant a lot for me to see you today.¡±
ANYA: ¡°Me too! You made my day.¡±
For me to make anyeone¡¯s day, especially her day, was the greatest gift life gave me life; a foreign feeling. Anyone in this world could have made her day, but I felt truly blessed the Universe had chosen me. I just wanted to make her day, every day, for a lifetime.
That evening I attended a farewell party for one of our staff people at the firm. We all met at a bar called the ¡°Corner Office¡± to have some drinks and appetizers after work. I wasn¡¯t a big fan of these office events mostly because I didn¡¯t like to drink at all during the workweek. After our afternoon together, I struggled to get her off mind as I wished she could be by my side at events such as this. After over two hours of wishing she was with me, I took a break from the party crowd to let Anya know she dominated my mind. After I texted her, she quickly responded and asked me to call her.
¡°I miss you baby.¡± she answered.
¡°I miss you like never before.¡± I responded.
¡°How¡¯s the farewell party?¡±
¡°It¡¯s okay. They wanted me to do shots with them but I declined.¡±
¡°How come, babe? Are you afraid to get drunk?¡±
¡°No, babe. I think it will make me wish you were with me more than I already do.¡±
¡°I wish I could be with you there, too.¡± she told me. ¡°I don¡¯t know why, but I¡¯m thinking about the time you left me at the bar on our first meeting. I was really sad about the way you left me that night.¡±
¡°I felt really bad about that, but the only reason I did was because you were married and I liked you a lot, and I didn¡¯t know what else to do.¡± I said. ¡°I didn¡¯t want to hurt you, but I figured I didn¡¯t know you, and you didn¡¯t know me. I thought you would just forget me and chalk it up to being married.¡±
¡°I just took it so personally. I wondered about you a lot though when you were gone. When I saw you, I was completely shocked.¡±
¡°Why, babe?¡±
¡°Because I never thought I¡¯d see you again.¡±
¡°I never thought I¡¯d see you again, too. I guess the universe had other things in mind for us.¡± I retorted only with hope. ¡°When I saw you the second time though, I had confirmation.¡±
¡°Confirmation?¡±
¡°That I knew I didn¡¯t meet you by accident. That we were meant to meet again. That you were my fate. My destiny.¡± I explained. ¡°I had no idea you were so hurt when I left you since you were married. I¡¯m sorry.¡±
¡°I know, babe. I told myself not to take it personally because you didn¡¯t know me, and I wasn¡¯t in the position to tell you off.¡±
¡°Well, just so you know, I wouldn¡¯t have been mad at you if you did tell me off.¡± I said ¡°But if you weren¡¯t married that night we met, you would have never been able to get rid of me that night. I would have never left your side. I would have stayed with you as long as you wanted me to.¡±
¡°Awww...I love you, baby.¡±
¡°I love you too.¡±
¡°I forgot to tell you something today.¡± she remarked abruptly.
¡°What is it?¡±
¡°I¡¯m going to Mammoth with the girls next weekend.¡±
¡°No kidding? That sounds like fun.¡±
¡°It¡¯s a girl¡¯s weekend though babe.¡± she continued. ¡°I¡¯ve been told so by the girls.¡±
¡°I understand, babe.¡± I responded, relieved to know she would be away from Jackson for the weekend, a time my heart ached the most for her. ¡°I appreciate you letting me know.¡±
If I learned anything about Anya over the last thirteen and a half months, it was she changed her mind often, and as maddening as it could be, she seemed to find ways for us after any down time and feelings of despair. As long as Jackson kept our relationship between them, she would only continue to find a way for us to spend time together which only affirmed my belief she should leave him. I reasoned in less than six months, she would learn of my promotion to partner so I could make a real push for her, but until then I remained susceptible to bouts of sadness. If Anya changed her mind about ¡°just the girls¡± weekend in Mammoth, I would make myself available to be there in a heartbeat At the same time though, it made me feel safer to m v know she was away from Jackson.
The next day fell on a Saturday as they now morphed into the hardest nights for me to endure. To help stave off my negative emotions when I didn¡¯t hear from her that morning, I texted her.
ANYA: ¡°I miss u too! I can¡¯t wait to get close to you again.¡±
After her morning text, silence ensued once again until four that Saturday afternoon.
ANYA: ¡°Been up since 4. I¡¯m going to take a nap. Just wanted to say hello. I miss u, I love u. Nite.¡±
When I usually received early ¡°nite¡± texts from her, negative thoughts thundered in my head, however this time around I laughed as she seemed wiped out, or maybe I she made me feel safer. Saturday nights were brutal on my mind now as it afforded her the opportunity to drink and be more social than the weekdays did. Her temporary yet likely impairment of rational though breathed life into the unknown variable when we were apart, and alone at home with Jackson, times that certainly led to sex with him. I felt confident she loved me, but it was tough for me to understand because we had shared so much. Early ¡°nites¡± stoked the flame of uncertainty inside, and if she likened the white truffle to sex, I couldn¡¯t help but wonder what led up to those sexual moments with him. How did it take place? Was it make-up sex? Did she ever make any advances? Did she want it as bad, if not more, than he did? Did she have to give sex more often to throw him off our scent? Is that why he let up on her? Is that why she had a great drama free day? What led Jackson to feel more secure, enough to cause her no drama, even after she refused to passionately kiss him, and after he suspected her to have a relationship?
As much as I tried to bury these thoughts, and trust in her love, the reality was she chose to be with Jackson, and promised me nothing even as much she missed and loved me made it a tough reality to accept. Especially on a Saturday night, when the kids were likely out with their friends and maybe even gone away for the night. And for me to ignore that reality would be living the same false life Anya did. If I lived the same life I criticized her for living, there could be no greater hypocrite than me.
Nights like this, brought me back to memories of despair when Denise left me for another man. How on those nights I played the possible scenes out in my head, an act of mindful mutilation I couldn¡¯t avoid if I tried. How many times I hoped a phone would ring that never did. These Saturday nights without Anya, now made those lonely nights without Denise seem like a walk in the park as never knew nor believed a mental anguish like this ever existed on this level, even as I trusted in Anya¡¯s love for me.
I refused to let me mind run free and instead opted to read so I could feel close to her. Thirty minutes later, I took a break from the candle light vigil I seemed to hold for myself, at a little after ten. When I rose from my bed, I noticed a red light that shone upon my nightstand, from a phone placed there.
ANYA: ¡°Missing u. Goodnight Sweets. I love you.¡±
After I read her text, I sent her the same sentiments, then blew out my candle. Anya¡¯s message of thoughtfulness also killed the parallel of a silent phone from Denise that showed the difference between a woman who didn¡¯t love me and one who did.
The next morning, I checked my phone to see if Anya texted me.
ANYA: ¡°Good morning!¡±
I felt a little on the insecure side when her weekend ¡°good morning¡± text was so closed ended as it lacked a simple ¡°how r u¡± or ¡°what¡¯s going on today?¡±. I guess it was better than to hear nothing from her, which I¡¯m sure was behind why she sent it. At this stage of our relationship though, after all we¡¯ve shared, I not only wanted more, but expected it; why I became ultra sensitive to the quick and dirty ¡°Good morning!¡± text as it carried more of an obligation to it than an emotion. I felt I deserved more now, but at the same time, I had to respect her situation as speculation only led to my mind¡¯s self destruction.
A little later that afternoon, since I hadn¡¯t heard from her since her quick and dirty ¡°good morning¡± message, I reached out to her to see how she was doing.
ANYA: ¡°I¡¯m good. Can u call me?¡±
When she asked me to call her, it brought me back to the time when she saw the movie ¡°Unfaithful¡± and I never heard from her, but when I did she wanted to suddenly end our relationship. I felt the same could happen all over again, at the height of my feelings for her, as hesitance took the wheel. I convinced myself she planned to tell me something negative; to mark her triumphant return to inconsistency and to show me nothing close to what she felt during the past few days. I learned over this particular weekend, her negative emotions would eventually find me like a tsunami wave that reached the shore; something you knew could come but you also never saw coming until it hits you. I took notice how during the week she and I became closer, but when the kids were home on the weekend, inconsistency prevailed. I felt this was another one of those times, when her tsunami wave of inconsistent emotions would crush me under the weight of my mortality. I held my breath as I listened to the rings of her phone before she picked up.
¡°Hi babe.¡± she said. ¡°How are you?¡±
¡°Hi Sweetheart. I¡¯m good now.¡± I said as I exhaled. ¡°I miss you.¡±
¡°I miss you too.¡± she said. ¡°I just wanted you to know I was in San Juan Capistrano today. I tried to see if I could come see you, but I ran out of time.¡±
Anya had a way, her own way, to show me how much she missed me. At times, I broke my own heart in constant dread about all I didn¡¯t know, things I didn¡¯t know if I even wanted to. It just really broke my heart to think what I did before we talked, as once again, I was wrong. Although, I loved it when she proved me wrong as I never wanted to be right about my negative emotions.
¡°That¡¯s very thoughtful,¡± I said. ¡°You don¡¯t know how much that means to me.¡±
¡°I just wanted you to know I do try.¡± she said ¡°And that I was bummed out.¡±
¡°I would¡¯ve given anything to see you. I¡¯m really missing you this weekend, but I think we both feel the same so we¡¯ll see each other soon enough. And you never have to give me a heads up. Just show up anytime you ever want to. I¡¯ll always operate on short notice when it comes to seeing you even for a short time.¡±
¡°Thank you, baby. It means a lot to know that. What r u up to?¡±
¡°Well, I was thinking about going to the mall to find a pair of slacks. Slacks are as hard a buy for me as jeans are.¡±
¡°Really? How come?¡±
¡°Because I have a big butt!¡± I exclaimed. ¡°I need pleated slacks and they never seem to have them.¡±
¡°O.M.G. You¡¯re too much!¡± she said as she laughed.
¡°Do you see why, if we ever went shopping together and I needed to buy pants of any kind, how you might need to schedule around your whole day shopping?¡±
¡°I wouldn¡¯t mind!¡±
Just a couple of minutes earlier, I felt an onslaught of negative emotions would soon overwhelm me, but to hear Anya¡¯s laugher brought me back into the realm of happiness and hope. After our conversation, and miraculously after only an hour at the mall, I found a pair of pleated black slacks. When I left Macy¡¯s with bag in one hand, I sent Anya a text to reveal my accomplishment with the other.
ANYA: ¡°NO WAY!!! Congratulations! I¡¯m happy for u! Just got home.¡±
ME: ¡°I think your voice gave me good luck! Thank you for trying to see me today, babe. As much as it bummed me out because you ran out of time, too, it was awfully sweet and thoughtful of you.¡±
ANYA: ¡°I really did try. I try every chance I get. I dropped off Katie and her friends on 5th street for an hour cuz they wanted to ¡°walk around¡±. It¡¯s always something.¡±
ME: ¡°When you¡¯re open with me, even if it breaks my heart, it helps me not to let my mind drift and to understand better. Thank you. I love you.
ANYA: ¡°I love you too. Miss u.¡±
I had to continually tell myself when she was with her kids, it was hard for her to find time for us. I really did understand the challenge it posed for her because I wanted to badly enough to be wrong about my negative thoughts. So, I could put them to rest and carry on with my life, and not be paralyzed by it. But it helped whenever she shared details, not only to quiet the cruel critic in my head, but to also better perceive and understand what she¡¯s up against the next time I get a quick ¡°good morning¡± text. The fact she cared enough to send me a text, gave me comfort to know I was at least on her mind, and I would never want her to put me above her kids anyway. Her life with Jackson though created a fuzzy screen, the ¡°unknown variable¡± that swallowed my positivity down whole; the dark entity that threatened my peace and understanding on a daily basis. But when Anya sent me texts like on this day, to let me know she tried to see me, it made me feel more secure and staved off the negative emotions from holding my positive thoughts hostage.
Later that evening, before Anya faded into tomorrow, she sent me a text.
ANYA: ¡°Have a goodnight babe. Sorry it didn¡¯t work out today. I love you.¡±
ME: ¡°Thank you for trying, Sweetheart. Have a goodnight. I love you too.¡±
Mondays seemed to carry a pattern as one of those days during the week that left me with questions and filled me with fear. Quiet Monday morning left me to wonder if her implicit ambivalence towards us would appear the more she hung out with her kids, which she did more so from Friday to Monday morning, as I felt abandoned during those particular days. On this Monday morning however, I expected and anticipated a text from her, but when it never came, I reached out to her.
ANYA: ¡°I¡¯m good. Went to bed early last night. How¡¯s work? Can u still have lunch tomorrow?¡±
The Anya I knew would¡¯ve never asked ¡°Can u still have lunch tomorrow?¡±. She would have only exclaimed ¡°I can¡¯t wait to see u tomorrow!¡±. Nothing would¡¯ve ever stopped her nor would she even have given me an out. This cold realization only led my mind to drift toward the edge of darkness as her inconsistency, for reasons unknown to me, ensued.
ME: ¡°Good to hear. No, we¡¯re still good for lunch tomorrow. I¡¯m on top of my work load. I miss you.¡±
The last time Anya visited me was three days before Christmas, and with today being the twentieth day of the new year, I was ultra sensitive because I hadn¡¯t seen her in a month. Last year she thought I faked an illness she wanted to see me so badly, after her holiday events kept us apart for a few weeks. So, I knew she¡¯d never make such a suggestion a year ago, and it made me wonder after all we¡¯ve shared, after she shunned Jackson on New Year¡¯s, her apprehension made little sense to me. What kept him from further accusations and interrogations? If she made holiday plans without my knowledge with him, couldn¡¯t she had also patched things up with him? After all, why would he no longer question her? Why would she give me an out the day she came to visit me for the first time in a month?
ANYA: ¡°Oh good babe! I miss you to. Just taking Katie home. She¡¯s groggy.¡±
When I read Katie was groggy, I thought less critically of her text. Maybe she feared Katie could be sick tomorrow, and she would have to stay home with her? But if that was true, I wished she¡¯d just tell me that instead of putting the onus on me if we didn¡¯t meet. If Katie was sick, I didn¡¯t care how long it¡¯s been since I¡¯ve seen Anya. I never minded to take a back seat to her kids, and would encourage Anya to stay home. I just refused to take a back seat to her philandering husband, knowledge she gave me about him, and the only reason I found trust to be in her life in the first place.
ME: ¡°I¡¯m sorry to hear Katie is feeing under the weather. I hope she feels better. Have a good day, babe. Chat later.¡±
As the day carried on, and grateful we were on better terms this week, I was able to focus and be productive at work as I prepped for the busiest audit season in the firm¡¯s history. On my lunch hour, I texted Anya to see how Katie was feeling.
ANYA: ¡°She wanted Jamba so I had Chunky Strawberry! I can¡¯t wait to see u tomorrow!¡±
When I read her text, relief and happiness washed over me as it felt like the next day was the beginning of a three day weekend knowing I would see her. It felt good to see the ¡°weekend Anya¡± now morphed into the ¡°Weekday Anya¡±; the Anya who appreciated me. Later that afternoon I reached out to her again to see how her day went.
ANYA: ¡°It was fine. Did u start your 10 hr work days yet?¡±
ME: ¡°Oh yes, busy season is in full swing for me now. Today was the first 10 hour day. I¡¯ll be working 10 ¨C 12 hour days, 6 days a week, for the next four months. I miss u! Can¡¯t wait for lunch tomorrow!¡±
ANYA: ¡°OMG! I miss u so much! I can¡¯t wait to be in your arms again! I¡¯m excited!¡±
ME: ¡°I¡¯m excited too! Can¡¯t wait to have you in them! How is Katie feeling? Any better?¡±
ANYA: ¡°Idk b/c I can tell Katie will be needy when she gets home from dance. She was grumpy when I dropped her off. Yup, welcome to my life!¡±
ME: ¡°She went to dance? She¡¯s a trooper. I guess I¡¯d be a little cranky too.¡±
ANYA: ¡°Ok here¡¯s a classic text from Katie right now from dance. ¡°I don¡¯t feel good but I¡¯ll whatever¡stay. If it will make u happy. Like whatever¡±. Yup.¡±
ME: ¡°Oh boy.¡±
ANYA: ¡°I asked her if she would like me to pick her up early and her response was ¡°like whatever no¡±! Funny huh? So, there you have it. Probably no reading tonite.¡±
It sounded as if Anya made her go to dance, even when she felt under the weather, but it didn¡¯t seem like something Anya would ever force Katie to do. When Anya told me, her day was ¡°fine¡±, I knew better to believe it as it seemed she had a tough day with her sick daughter. It was none of my business, and it was between mother and daughter, so I didn¡¯t ask about it. Anya was a good mother, I saw it all the time, but I could see how Katie seemed to always be pushed to her limits, to the point I worried if she might ever break down. From all I gathered from her texts, she seemed overburdened to some extent, especially if she wasn¡¯t feeling well. I knew Anya pushed her kids to be successful, and I found it admirable, but I also knew everyone had their breaking points. All I could do was hope Katie never reached hers.
It also seemed Katie was being punished at times for the marriage, as the more Katie and Andrew were absorbed in activities, the less aware they would be of its abnormality. That if they were loaded with things to do, they wouldn¡¯t have the time to pay attention to the marital problems. To go from school to activity, to activity to homework and then to bed, left them little time to witness the loveless marriage around them. It made me sad to think, even more than Anya and I being apart, that was the reality. That the kids were being pushed to the point of being overwhelmed in an effort to keep the troubled marriage a secret from them; another reason I felt so strongly why Anya should leave her marriage. Katie and Andrew¡¯s childhood only lasted a small portion of their life and it belonged to them. It should be a time of joy, not stress. They had their entire adult lives to worry and be stressed out. It seemed they were possibly pushed into a number of activities because of the marital woes, that only robbed them both of their childhood and maybe even the life they truly wanted to live. Why were they being punished for the problems in the marriage? Were they being pushed into careers they didn¡¯t truly want or believe in? Were they pushed upon a unyielding path of success to give everyone around them the image they were the perfect family? To protect themselves from others finding out the truth? Were they victims and tools of Jackson¡¯s business and political aspirations? If so, did Anya never possess the power to leave him? Is that why she still didn¡¯t know?
There were a ton of questions I had. A lot of feelings I put on the back burner because I didn¡¯t want to blow our relationship out of the water if I was wrong about some of these things.
My feeling was this though...I had to be right about something.
If not?
Everything.
CHAPTER 31 ~ THE VIEW FROM HEAVEN
¡°I can see your face
in the mirrors of my mind,
Will you still
be there?
~ ¡°Valotte¡± Julian Lennon
When the next morning arrived, I checked in with Anya to see how things went with Katie. It broke my heart to see her have any kind of problems with her children. A mother¡¯s job was hard enough, and I know Anya did everything she could to make them happy, but politicians did the same thing; to believe they could make everyone happy. Parents shouldn¡¯t play politics with children because not only did kids need discipline, but a parent could never make them happy all the time anyway. A good parent knew this, and it¡¯s what the daycare taught me. You could be diplomatic all you want, but your respected influence will be lost.
ANYA: ¡°Good morning! I¡¯m fine babe. Was just preoccupied w/Katie last night. Big day today! Historic!¡±
Another reason I loved Anya: she was a moderate conservative, like I was. Although I wasn¡¯t fond of politicians simply because they sold themselves on the ignorance of the populace and lacked basic economic sense. At the time of his election. I felt the United States needed Barrack Hussein Obama to show the world we didn¡¯t hate muslims. That the ¡°War on Terror¡± was not a war waged on the nation of Islam. Only a small percentage of the Muslim population were radicalized, and Obama presented a good face to hopefully quell the storm. I believed people, even ones deemed psychotic, did things for a reason, and ignorance was our true foe. I believed our leaders, past and present, did something, kept from us all, thing we probably don¡¯t want to know about, that angered Osama Bin Laden enough to gather a group of like minded individuals to hijack planes and fly them into the World Trade Center. I would never justify Bin Laden¡¯s actions; innocent lives were lost, but if we threw into the equation the likelihood our leaders, past and present, did something that also caused innocent blood to be spilled, we¡¯d quickly understand why Bin Laden and his group acted out in such a way. To deny the hijacked planes that tore into our hearts and souls that day weren¡¯t in some way directly linked to the greed and wealth of corrupt politicians, especially taken into consideration we armed Bin Laden in Afghanistan against the Soviets decades ago, I felt we created this Frankenstein, and even dared him to challenge us. And he did. At the price of the precious lives of people who never knew who he was.
Today was a big day for another reason. A much more important to me than Obama¡¯s inauguration. I would see Anya today.
To my pleasant surprise she arrived four minutes early and once she entered my apartment, our hands within each other, we spent very little time in verbal conversation as our eyes and lips spoke for us both. A language foreign to others we spoke fluently. The night before Anya¡¯s visit, I journaled some thoughts about a conversation we had about her not being able to receive flowers from me, and how it made her sad. Flowers were synonymous with heartache for me as it brought me back to when I bought them for Karyn, to only learn she wanted to be with someone else. To go out and buy flowers for anyone again was something I promised myself to never do unless I was married or at least engaged, but Anya¡¯s sadness made me sad as well. As we walked hand and hand into my room, she noticed.
¡°Oh babe¡± she told me with wettened eyes.
¡°What is it? Are you alright?¡±
¡°Flowers? You got me flowers?¡± she exclaimed then pulled away from my hand to walk towards the bouquet on my nightstand.
¡°I know you can¡¯t take them home¡but it doesn¡¯t mean you can never have flowers from me.¡± I said, smiling. ¡°I just had to get them for you.¡±
¡°They¡¯re beautiful.¡± she said leaning her nose in to allow them to invade her sense of smell.
¡°I¡¯m glad you approve.¡±
¡°And they¡¯re pink!¡± she noticed then turning to me with widened eyes and an even wider smile. ¡°Very thoughtful of you, babe!¡±
¡°It¡¯s the least I could do.¡± I answered before crashing my lips into hers.
We then walked to the other side of my bed and removed my shirt as she removed her purple blouse. After we removed the rest of our clothing, we then slowly and gently met each other at the middle part of my bed. I then took her in my arms and laid her gently down as I surveyed the beautiful nuances of her naked body like an eagle over a majestic mountain in search of its nest. For the next hour we caught up with each other as we made up for the lost time due to the holidays. Lost in each other, and lost in time, we reconnected on every level as our love reached new heights. We were now into the second year of our love, and her visit rekindled the unbridled passion and love we had for each other. It didn¡¯t matter what we faced, or how much mental anguish we endured. We always ended up in the same place, as the times of separation, that brought the greatest of pain, only brought us back to the reason for it. The sun was motionless and fell into the ocean at the same time on this day, as time seemed to stand still and fly by too fast. After an hour of shared passion and affection, she turned into me, kissed my chest and then gazed into my eyes. I fell into her eyes with my own and began to play with her hair, as I hoped it would leave a trace of her for me later when I read.
¡°I love every second I spend with you.¡± she said softly, her mouth open upon mine.
¡°You arrived four minutes early today and even though it¡¯s only four minutes to the rest of the world.¡± I whispered with my mouth upon hers. ¡°It¡¯s eternity for me.¡±
¡°I always try to get here as soon as I can because I want to spend as much time with you as possible.¡±
¡°It means a lot to me.¡±
¡°I love the name Landyn.¡±
¡°I¡¯m glad one of us does.¡±
¡°Why don¡¯t like it?¡±
¡°Do you know what it means?¡±
¡°No. What does it mean, babe?¡±
¡°It means ¡°long hill¡±¡±. I stated. ¡°I was probably named after my mother¡¯s long labor with me. That¡¯s the only sense I can make out of it. I don¡¯t know if my parents have ever done anything right in regards to me.¡±
¡°They raised you¡a great man.¡± she stated with her eyes. ¡°They did do something right.¡±
I leaned in and kissed her gently as her words hung in midair for me. When I told her I didn¡¯t think my parents did anything right in regards to me, I meant it as a joke but with a little truth sprinkled in. I trusted her words so much that if she believed I was a ¡°great man¡±, my parents did do something right.
¡°Thank you, babe.¡±
¡°I love you, you know.¡± She said as her eyes rose like the sun into mine.
¡°You know.¡± I said as I brought my lips to hers. ¡°I love you too.¡±
She then put her cool hand on my right bicep and then came into my arms.
¡°Love your arms.¡± she exclaimed. ¡°You¡¯re one sexy guy.¡±
I then moved my right hand from her shoulders, to her ribs and to her outer thigh.
¡°You¡¯re both beautiful and sexy. That¡¯s really hard to pull off but you do it with ease.¡± I said as I put more pressure upon her skin with my hands as I fought to contain my restraint. ¡°You drive me crazy. More than you know. I never take for granted the way you feel about me.¡±
¡°Thank you, baby. We have great chemistry.¡± she said. ¡°It¡¯s different from lust chemistry.¡±
¡°How is it different?¡± I asked.
¡°It¡¯s true love chemistry! Does that make sense?¡±
¡°It makes total sense.¡± I agreed. ¡°Although I¡¯m greatly drawn to you physically, I¡¯m just as drawn to you mentally and that¡¯s what makes you truly sexy. I respect and admire all your views, and I love the way you handle yourself every day. The way you put your heart and soul into your kids, and showing me how much you love me. Not that I think I¡¯m anything special, I¡¯m humbled on a daily basis, but I wouldn¡¯t share my bed with just anyone¡let alone give them their own side. But what can I say¡you¡¯re an extraordinary woman.¡±
¡°Wow thank you for that!¡± she said as her smile lit up my room in genuine appreciation. ¡°You¡¯re smart, handsome and you have a kind heart¡combined with a great body and nice arms.¡± she said as she kissed my chest. ¡°I respect you too. I find that combination very sexy.¡±
Out of all the compliments she gave me, ¡°kind heart¡± was the one that meant the most because I knew why she gave me that compliment.
¡°Coming from anyone else, it wouldn¡¯t mean anything¡but coming from you, it means everything.¡± I said. ¡°If we had a whole night together right now. I don¡¯t know how I¡¯d ever fall asleep.¡±
¡°No doubt in my mind if we had a whole night, we could go all night.¡± she said as her eyes touched my body and then returned to my eyes again. ¡°You so turn me on.¡±
¡°I¡¯m not used to someone making me feel so special. You do the same for me.¡± I said. ¡°You wanna know how special you are to me?¡±
¡°How special am I?¡± she asked with anticipation in her eyes.
¡°You¡¯re so special, I stopped sleeping on that side of the bed after you told me that¡¯s the side of the bed you usually sleep on.¡± I said. ¡°It¡¯s sacred ground to me now.¡±
¡°Well, you are special.¡± she stated through a smile. ¡°And I¡¯m glad you¡¯d share your bed with me and let me have my side!¡±
¡°I don¡¯t want to share this bed with anyone else.¡± I said as I kissed her. ¡°After all we¡¯ve shared. There¡¯s no way I could.¡±
Her lips once again fell into mine as I took her in my arms and brought her upon my body, then slowly rolled her off and against my skin, until she was positioned below me. With every emotion we passionately kissed each other, away from all the frustrations and distractions we transported ourselves through a portal we found through every kiss and touch, that only led to the real us; the known variable.
When the time came for her to leave, I pulled her back with my left arm with every attempt she made to get off my bed, like I usually did in a attempt to delay the heartache. And each time I pulled her back to me, a bigger smile appeared. With each smile, my heart broke as it made me want to see it every day. As I walked her out, I dreaded the moment when she would disappear from my sight, and when her car left the parking lot to return home, my heart returned back into the pit of my stomach. And all I could do was wait for my heart to ache, like after a fun night of drinking, for the hangover to hit me hard. Her visit was her thirty seventh to my place, yet I still felt the same pang each time she left, as it only strengthened the undeniable belief that I could never feel this strongly about anyone again.
When I returned to work that day, I tried desperately to rise from the fog I found myself in after her visit. I couldn¡¯t get my mind off of her beauty and when she texted me I thanked the universe for the chance to breathe as I felt more vulnerable emotionally than ever before.
ANYA: ¡°R u back at work? Thx for taking the time! I soooo miss u! It¡¯s crazy how we just mesh so well. I love you!¡±
ME: ¡°I¡¯m back at work now. Thanks for stopping by. I miss you beyond missing. We mesh so well I think we¡¯ve become one person. I love you too!¡±
The hardest part for me was to know, without a doubt we were made for each other, yet she did not know if she had the courage to truly show we were. On thirty seven different occasions we were together, but all carried the same result as we only further proved we belonged together Each time and every time, more beautiful than the next. We survived through many things that would¡¯ve ripped other lovers apart, for it was easy for a relationship of this nature, dependent upon text messaging, to fail because of miscommunication and misinterpretations. When Anya broke things off, she not only ended up in my arms again each time she did, but with more love and gratefulness in her eyes than ever before. We were never done, even when we believed we were. We shared ten relationships worth of happiness and sorrow for us to not ever be together and visits, like the one on this day, only produced more hope that the next ¡°here¡± text I received would not only be her last, but carry forever with it.
I dreamt like never before the day she showed up with intention at the gate of my apartment complex to never leave and with truth in her heart. A day I could breathe a sigh of relief and be blessed with the opportunity to show her what love was truly all about. Without a doubt I could take good care of her heart, and I trusted she would do the same with mine, and with every hour that passed, I knew no other dream as Anya¡¯s love for me consumed my every thought.
After I returned home from the office, a day I struggled to get anything done, Anya messaged me as we seemed to be connected to the same wire.
ANYA: ¡°Can¡¯t stop thinking about today.¡±
ME: ¡°It¡¯s impossible for me to stop thinking about today. It was nice to feel pure happiness again.¡±
ANYA: ¡°I know. I felt happy the whole time! It just blows my mind how perfect we are together!¡±
ME: ¡°All I feel now, is what I felt the first night I met you. I¡¯m not surprised. I truly believe we were made for each other.¡±
ANYA: ¡°Maybe it was love at first sight! We just didn¡¯t know it!¡±
ME: ¡°I believe that! It was a special night for me, and I knew it. I had romantic feelings the first night I met you!¡±
ANYA: ¡°It was for me too! Romantic feelings? Really? The first night?¡±
ME: ¡°Yes! Taking you out to a romantic dinner, going to the movies, hanging out at the beach. Even making love to you! I was smitten the first night, babe. Especially when you told me why you thought your boyfriend broke up with you. I wanted to show you he made a mistake.¡±
ANYA: ¡°Wow! I didn¡¯t know that!¡±
ME: ¡°Babe, I thought about you the entire night when I got home. I slept very little because I felt so much adrenaline. I was shocked when you called me, and you may not believe it but I was really happy u did.¡±
ANYA: ¡°But u ignored me. I guess I can understand. My situation.¡±
ME: ¡°That¡¯s all it was. It was because you¡¯re married. It had nothing to do with how I felt about you. I had no plans to fall in love with you after you told me that.¡±
ANYA: ¡°I understand. Don¡¯t blame you at all.¡±
ME: ¡°I could have handled it better so you didn¡¯t take it so personally. I was drawn to you from night one.¡±
ANYA: ¡°That¡¯s ok. It¡¯s not like u have a lot of experience in handling situations like mine!¡±
ME: ¡°I have zero experience! I was frustrated too b/c I wanted to date you but couldn¡¯t, so it didn¡¯t come out right.¡±
ANYA: ¡°I understand babe. Don¡¯t give it another thought. I better say goodnight sweets. I love you forever Landyn.¡±
It always astonished me how ¡°upset¡± she was when I walked away because how could she even think for a second it had nothing to do with her ¡°situation¡±? We talked about nothing but ¡°love¡± for two hours the very first night we met. Maybe she was used to men who played games? Who talked a big game but didn¡¯t put their money where their mouth was? How could she associate me with the same group of men? Did she believe I made all of that ¡°love¡± stuff up because we met at a bar? I¡¯ve never played a single game with another woman. I always meant what I said and said what I meant. Yes, you met me at a bar, but I was there to escape the loneliness I felt, not to bullshit women that talked to me. Even in the face of her indecision, after over a year together, she still believed it wasn¡¯t her situation that scared me off? This is another reason why I didn¡¯t care for Jackson; his infidelities brought Anya¡¯s self-esteem so low, she couldn¡¯t even see the greatest barrier between her and another man¡¯s love was her marriage to the wrong man.
I had to admit after such a beautiful day together, I found myself again at the crossroads, with only one road in my mind. A road I willed myself through despite an intolerable mental anguish. I didn¡¯t want just one night together; I wanted many nights. I not only wanted many nights, but many mornings and days too. A single night just wasn¡¯t going to work anymore, and if I couldn¡¯t have forever with her, then what did I really have? If I continued to remain in this same boat with her, one that waded in the ocean with no real movement, it would never give her an incentive to lead us to shore. We would just float there forever, as we tried to survive the storm that was certain to come. The storms passed us for now, but they increased in size and intensity. If she believed we were perfect together, I had to find out if she truly felt that way.
The next morning, still on a high from the previous day, Anya sent me a text.
ANYA: ¡°Hi darlin¡¯!¡±
A smile sprouted when I read my first ¡°darlin¡¯¡± text. More than the word itself, it made me happy to see the good vibes of yesterday carried forward; that she didn¡¯t let her now usual morning silence steal the beauty of the prior day away.
As the day progressed, and while on my lunch break, I texted to ask about her day.
ANYA: ¡°Steady busy! Just got a massage so day is going well! U?¡±
ME: ¡°Day is a busy one as well. I just wanted to let you know you were on my mind. I miss you. How are those massages?¡±
ANYA: ¡°U¡¯d love it! I swear it¡¯s the best if u get a good therapist! I fell asleep. I miss u too! Still thinking about yesterday!¡±
I remembered the last massage I nearly had in Las Vegas. When I tried the decadence of the underground massage parlors, but left with no outlet for relief of my sensual arousal at the time. I knew I¡¯d find no comfort with the hands of a male masseuse on me as I wondered what sex Anya¡¯s was, and how she found comfort if it was a female. It was hard enough to imagine Jackson¡¯s hands on her, let alone a male masseuse¡¯s, who had to enjoy it simply because I knew how great her skin felt and how great her body looked. On a day I heard very little from her, after such a great day together, to imagine another man being able to touch her more than the man she loved, began to make my heart ache, but even ridiculously so, it was unavoidable because of how much I felt for her.
The next day was Anya¡¯s ski trip with the girls to Mammoth, and I had bittersweet feelings about it. I was happy to see her away from Jackson, as it provided me with an opportunity to feel closer to her, but I wondered if there was something I didn¡¯t know about the trip. I couldn¡¯t understand how Jackson, who was so suspicious and watching her ¡°like a hawk¡±, suddenly had no issues with an ¡°all-girls¡± Mammoth trip. What did Anya do to salvage his sudden trust? Why was Jackson not up in arms about this trip? How was this trip even possible with the kids in school? The reason we weren¡¯t together? This trip brought inconsistencies about what she told me her home life was like these days, and it made me feel uneasy.
Anya told me she was going to do a lot of reading on the ski trip, so I texted her later that afternoon to see what page she was on as I poked fun at her false ¡°Eclipse¡± spot a couple of weeks ago.
ME: ¡°On page 173. Eclipse.¡±
ANYA: ¡°Haha! Actually, I stopped reading cuz they¡¯re calling me ¡°grandma¡±! It¡¯s going to be a challenge to sneak in some reading.¡±
ME: ¡°Looks like a good time to build on my cushion! I¡¯m working on burning you a CD. I miss you!¡±
ANYA: ¡°I¡¯d love it! I miss u so much! R they love songs? From the 80¡¯s?¡±
ME: ¡°They might be¡¡±
ANYA: ¡°Can¡¯t wait!¡±
Anya liked to tease me about my music¡¯s decade preference as I gravitated toward ¡°80¡¯s¡± music more than today¡¯s music, however she did introduce me to new music I found could give ¡°80¡¯s¡± music a run for its money. I just knew most of the CD would consist of songs by Journey, Air Supply, Boston, Def Leppard and The Scorpions as those groups best elicited the mystery of love within me.
As the night progressed, and the blue sky moon began to shine, I received a text from Anya.
ANYA: ¡°Still in the room. Not going out.¡±
ME: ¡°Are all of you girls in the same room?¡±
ANYA: ¡°I¡¯m rooming with my friend, Sam. Carolyn and Debbie have their own room.¡±
ME: ¡°Oh I see. Well, I¡¯m just leaving the office now. Another 12-hour day in the books.¡±
ANYA: ¡°Long day for u. Guess u better get used to it! Busy season! We have our alarm set to workout in the morning but we¡¯ll c! Staying at ¡°The Village¡±. It¡¯s a two bedroom condo.¡±
Surprise filled my senses when she told me the name of the place she stayed at as I didn¡¯t think she would, but thankful she did. A realistic pessimism then kicked in as I wondered if she would¡¯ve told me if she stayed alone. That the only reason she revealed ¡°The Village¡± was because she was there with a friend I didn¡¯t know, so she felt safe I wouldn¡¯t make a trip to see her. Skepticism ruled my mind about this trip even as I hid from her how it brought more questions and answers I probably didn¡¯t want to know. The timing of the trip just seemed bizarre because of Jackson¡¯s very recent ¡°hawking¡± of her, but at the same time, maybe it was just me? Maybe my pessimism was my past coming back to haunt me? Maybe it was bizarre by any human standards to think this way? As my negativity dug itself a home for me to fall in, I also knew she needed this time away from the stress and pressure of home, so in that sense, I tried to not focus on the questions I had about its timing.
At a time I thought for sure I wouldn¡¯t hear from her for the rest of the evening, she messaged me.
ANYA: ¡°Read Rosalie¡¯s story. Sad.¡±
ME: ¡°I haven¡¯t gotten to Rosalie¡¯s story yet in the book. What made it so sad?¡±
ANYA: ¡°All she wanted was a nice husband. A husband to come home after work and kiss her out of love.¡±
Her text broke my heart to read as art imitated life. Just like Rosalie, all Anya wanted was a nice husband to come home after work and to kiss her out of love. And there was no one alive on this planet that wanted that more from her than the man who loved her more than life itself, me. Texts like this was a huge reason for what fueled me to endure all the anguish mentally I did, because I knew what was at stake, and its importance to her. Even more so than Rosalie.
ME: ¡°Such a simple want in life she should have had.¡±
ANYA: ¡°I know. Not much to ask for.¡±
ME: ¡°It¡¯s something no woman should have to ask for from their husband.¡±
Jackson never truly considered what his infidelities did to the mother of his children, but only considered what the mother of his children was doing to their kids by being in a relationship with another man who truly loved her. There was a real reason why Anya revealed that with me she felt ¡°safe¡±; she didn¡¯t want to be burned again by another man. And not even over my dead body, would I allow her to be hurt by him ever again. The sadness she found in Rosalie¡¯s story, an all too familiar sadness she related to, brought me to the realization I had to ¡°go to the mattresses¡± for her. I couldn¡¯t let Jackson bend her mind into the twisted belief that being with any man who truly loved, cared, respected and honored her was an act of hurting her children. It became beyond even crystal clear that this was never going to be a physical battle for Anya, but a psychological one on the highest of levels. And I now knew I had to fight twice as hard if I not only planned to win, but had any chance to win as I couldn¡¯t afford to blink for a second. I felt Jackson brainwashed her enough into believing by loving another man, a man who loved her more than himself, was also an act of abandonment that destroyed the lives of her children. I was in her life to be her hero. To call out the false lies that threatened to steal the general happiness that all women and wives deserved. If Jackson knew I was here, well then let¡¯s get acquainted sooner than later because if I was only going to lose her to false perceptions and lies anyway, then I really had nothing to lose.
When Friday morning arrived on the twenty third day of the new year, a year so full of hope and promise, Anya sent me a text to reassure me the pressure and stress of home now eluded her.
ANYA: ¡°Hello! Taking a Bloody Mary break! Nice huh?¡±
ME: ¡°Good morning! Breakfast of champions! Good for you, babe! I should be off a little earlier today. I miss you!¡±
ANYA: ¡°That¡¯s good babe! I miss u too! Wish u were here.¡±
ME: ¡°I wish I was there too, but I think you would draw the ire of the girls because you wouldn¡¯t be doing much skiing!¡±
ANYA: ¡°Haha! I sooo miss u! I¡¯d stay in all day if u were here!¡±
Anya¡¯s words inspired me enough to leave for Mammoth after work, but I knew her visual was not realistic because she shared a two bedroom condo with a friend, Sam, who was not ¡°in the know¡±. Her text did help get me through the work day as I her sentiments made me feel much less uneasy about her trip.
Later that afternoon, Anya sent me a text to let me know how her first day on the slopes went.
ANYA: ¡°We¡¯re done now. Snowing a lot. White out. Can¡¯t see anything.¡±
ME: ¡°I bet it look pretty though.¡±
ANYA: ¡°It is babe. I love you forever.¡±
ME: ¡°I love you forever too.¡±
¡°I love you forever¡±; if it meant anything to her, it meant everything to me. I knew why she said it, and I also knew why she made it ours; she always wanted me to know. To always be aware of the combining power of the words ¡°I¡±, ¡°love¡±, ¡°you¡± and ¡°forever¡± No matter what happened; it¡¯s how she felt now and always would, but I also feared it could become an excuse to not do the right thing, and to cave in to fear. An excuse to believe Jackson¡¯s lies, false perceptions, and to give way to her fears. And in case she did, she wanted me to know there was one constant within the chaos, like the Universe¡¯s constant destruction and construction, her love for me. In my mind though, without a doubt she knew the reason I was in her life. I made it clear why I left her at one time and she knew why I chose to give her a chance at happiness regardless of her situation. Her ¡°I love you forever¡± meant everything to me, and it provided a ton of evidence in my fight for her. because how could she stay with someone she didn¡¯t feel that way for? If she stayed at this point, after all we shared, she would have committed herself to love him in some way forever too. I love you forever was my greatest ally and my greatest argument against her staying with Jackson. But without her physically, and only emotionally, it couldn¡¯t mean a thing because without her, I had nothing, and forever had more of a chance at being never.
That evening when I returned home from work, Anya sent me a text.
ANYA: ¡°Out to dinner. Missing u.¡±
ME: ¡°Perfect timing! I was about to call my mom. Are you going to be available later this evening? Can I call you? Missing u too.¡±
ANYA: ¡°Say hello for me! JK! Well idk cuz we¡¯re at Whiskey Creek for dinner and we might go upstairs for dinner.¡±
ME: ¡°I¡¯ll tell her you said hello! Haha! Okay, I don¡¯t want to take you away from your dinner. Have fun!¡±
ANYA: ¡°Wish I could meet your mom. Wish you could meet mine. I¡¯m sure I¡¯d love her and I¡¯m sure u¡¯d love mine cuz we love each other. Any shortcomings would be dismissed.¡±
ME: ¡°I could tell you right now there would be no shortcomings. I would have nothing but all the love and respect in the world for your mom. She sounds like a wonderful lady. Actually, I think both of our moms are very similar.¡±
ANYA: ¡°Ohhhhh u don¡¯t know. She¡¯d make u eat all the time!¡±
ME: ¡°I know your mom only gives food to the ones she loves so I would look at it as an honor!¡±
ANYA: ¡°I love you babe.¡±
ME: ¡°I love you so much. People don¡¯t get any more special than you.¡±
ANYA: ¡°I feel honored u feel so highly of me.¡±
ME: ¡°You¡¯re nothing less than extraordinary, babe. That¡¯s the truth.¡±
ANYA: ¡°Awww hun. I¡¯m just an average simple girl wanting and wishing for a simple life.¡±
ME: ¡°And even though I know you¡¯re well above average, I want you to have all you wish for. I think you deserve it more than anyone. Your hopes, wishes and dreams are mine too.¡±
ANYA: ¡°Thank u babe. U always make me feel so special.¡±
ME: ¡°You just don¡¯t know how much your love has resurrected me, so it¡¯s the least I can do.¡±
With my mother¡¯s battle with cancer on my mind, I became less patient as I wanted the dream of her meeting my mother, and me meeting hers, to come true. And the more we talked of our love, and the more experiences we shared, I knew I couldn¡¯t afford to lose her. To lose her now, would be a great tragedy, and my biggest failure. Although she viewed them as simple wants, they were also simply needs. Her unhappiness wasn¡¯t of the basic garden variety as her joy was unnecessarily and viciously raped from her. She trusted a man with her body and heart to never hurt her, a man every woman should be able to trust them with, the one she married. He even vowed never to do so, until death parted them, yet he did. He shamed and dishonored her so badly, she sought it through others, even without consciousness to do so as it not only scarred, but was embedded so deep within her she didn¡¯t know she still felt it. The pain Jackson levied on her, she only sought relief from, but I knew why she did it even as an immoral society frowned upon her; so she could be a better mother and a better person. To be more like our own mothers as it was that simple for a person who only wanted a simple life.
At a little past midnight, I sent her a ¡°goodnight¡± text and twenty one minutes later, she returned it.
ANYA: ¡°Goodnight Sweets. I love you.¡±
Friday and Saturday nights were the worst on my heart and mind, as they reminded me of all the times I used to wait for my phone to ring after Denise left me broken. For months, I held out hope she would realize she made a mistake, but the phone never rang; forever in silence. I knew Anya loved me as just a couple hours earlier, we wished our mothers could meet each other, but I also knew she was out with the girls, at a bar upstairs in the restaurant, and it broke my heart to think she was in the company of men who could see and talk to her freely among her friends. A freedom they didn¡¯t afford me as it unsettled me to think such a scenario could take place.
I felt on this trip, Anya would feel uncomfortable around other men, and refused to be a part of it and leave to text me like she did when she left the dance floor in Palm Springs. Of course, I would¡¯ve eventually pushed her to go back inside to have fun with the girls. And even though I wanted her to enjoy her time, my heart wanted to hear from her too. But what if she only told me ¡°I miss u¡± and ¡°I love you forever¡± so I wouldn¡¯t question anything about this trip? What if those word that meant so much to me were only used as a political maneuver to not make me question anything she did? They were all married, so why did they conduct themselves like single people did? I thought she would have dinner and only go up to the bar for a couple of hours, then head back to her condo. But, it was almost one in the morning, and that meant she stayed at the bar area for no less than four hours in the company of other men. Was there something about this trip, like the holiday plans she made, that purposely left me in the dark about? Anya was always ¡°truthful¡± when I asked, but how did I know what to ask about? How did Jackson allow her to go on this trip when he had major trust issues with her not even two weeks ago? Her late night out puzzled me as I struggled to sleep off my adverse emotions.
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The next morning, she sent me a text.
ANYA: ¡°Good morning!¡±
Her short ¡°good morning¡± text, on a Saturday, left me to feel as if she was at home on a weekday as it furthered my anxiety and threatened to bury me under an avalanche of unstable emotions.
ME: ¡°Good morning! How r u?¡±
ANYA: ¡°I¡¯m good! Getting ready to hit the slopes! How r u? I miss u.¡±
ME: ¡°I¡¯m good, thanks! Have fun on the slopes! I miss u too.¡±
ANYA: ¡°Thank you baby! I love you!¡±
ME: ¡°I love you too!¡±
I didn¡¯t want her to know how uneasy I felt. She was on a trip to get away from stress and pressure, and the last thing I wanted was to give her any grief, especially if I could get past it. The taunts of ¡°grandma¡± from her friends showed though how much she cared what others thought of her as she quickly put her book away. It was hard to ignore the symbolism in that as my uneasiness about the ski trip began to take its toll on me. I knew Debbie and Carolyn were influences on her, but how much of a truly positive influence were they? How could they advise her to say knowing she was in a deep relationship with me? After Debbie even admitted that what we had was trust and respect? How could a real friend, like Debbie, let her jeopardize that if she meant it? Or did her friends think Anya¡¯s love for me over the last year was just a phase she was going through? Both Carolyn and Debbie were not only married, but also approached fifty, yet still partied like they were single and in their twenties? That alone should have spoke volumes about their own marriages, and even Carolyn had a relationship with another man of her own to consider. I also believed marriages should be kept as fresh as possible, and I would never be opposed to a girls weekend if I was married to Anya, and it¡¯s what she wanted to do. But it would lead me to question her happiness in our marriage. Why would I ever feel the need to go out to bars with my friends to act like a single man if I was truly happily married? For the girls to go skiing in the day, and to have a nice dinner was one thing, but to get inebriated and to party on the dance floor with single men around was a whole other thing entirely. The skiing trip made sense. A nice group dinner together made sense. The partying after dinner did not. And it just made me sick to think how I laid my heart out there for it to be disgraced in such a way by someone who I trusted with my life.
I received further evidence of my fears about her skiing trip when she texted me later in the day.
ANYA: ¡°I¡¯m going back to the room to maybe read and take a nap. The girls have started drinking again, I can¡¯t keep up.¡±
ME: ¡°Ok, babe. Don¡¯t feel bad you can¡¯t keep up. Relax and enjoy yourself! Wish I was there to keep you company.¡±
ANYA: ¡°Me too. Everytime I look out the window I think of u. It¡¯s quite picturesque.¡±
ME: ¡°Although I know it can¡¯t compete with your beauty, I¡¯m sure it is. I love you.¡±
ANYA: ¡°Aww I love you too.¡±
As much as I questioned the reason for this trip, I also felt compassion for Carolyn and Debbie. I knew their stories, but it was hard to know so much, to see how these mothers felt the need to disregard their well beings because they chose to ignore their stressful situations at home. Carolyn had a relationship outside of her marriage, and although that was her business and not mine, it existed for a real reason. I knew Anya¡¯s pain intimately through all she allowed me to feel for her, so I naturally had strong opinions about it as I fought for her happiness, the truth that only we knew, so it was easy to feel compassion for both Carolyn and Debbie too. They were truly wonderful mothers, and all because they found something in other men, only made them bad wives, not bad mothers, if even that. Both of them loved their kids greatly yet found themselves in desperate despair as they tried to tuck their own pain and deep marital woes from them. I¡¯m sure they saw how much I loved Anya and believed that kind of love existed for them. It shocked me that these romantic huge hearted women chose for life partners, men of power and control who lacked feelings of love and empathy. And it disturbed me to think, after all those years I believed in love, the astonishing high divorce rates were actually lower than they should be.
I also held the belief, and Debbie, Carolyn and Anya confirmed this on a daily basis; that love was more important than financial success. If you truly loved someone, and you truly loved life, then that would carry you to success, or at the very least, to your true potential and purpose. Without love, I don¡¯t believe anyone would realize or maximize their true calling. People had to carry love in their hearts to give them enough passion to reach their goals in life. I believed those who denied, or chose to ignore the importance of love, were prone to self-destructive behavior; as evidenced through Anya, Carolyn and Debbie. And the only thing that could save them would be self-awareness, the place Anya now resided in through me.
Later that afternoon, Anya texted me again.
ANYA: ¡°At the gym. My friends r still out drinking! They didn¡¯t stop until 3:30 this morning and started again at 11 am! I guess I¡¯m kicked out of the club now!¡±
ME: ¡°OMG! Why r they drinking so much? R they giving you a hard time about not keeping up?¡±
ANYA: ¡°Not so bad. They¡¯re just having fun. I miss u so much.¡±
ME: ¡°Did you stay with them until 3:30 last night?¡±
ANYA: ¡°I left them at midnight and walked by myself last night. They banged on the door around 2:30 belligerent and partied till 3:30. Carolyn¡¯s alarm clock went off at 5!¡±
Anya¡¯s text perplexed me as I remembered my pain from the prior evening. If she left them at midnight, how come she never texted me at all? I even sent her a text at midnight so she knew I was up, yet all I received was a ¡°goodnight¡± text? For someone who missed me so much, it didn¡¯t make sense. Did Anya tell me she missed me so I wouldn¡¯t feel any grief on her trip, and not because she truly did? It just left me to believe even more that the girls were around guys last night. Did Anya really come back to her condo by herself? What kept them up so late when Carolyn had to be up by five? This all didn¡¯t make sense to me.
ME: ¡°I¡¯m a little disappointed that you never called me or at least texted with me a little last night.¡±
ANYA: ¡°I¡¯m sorry. The place is that big. The girls can see and hear everything.¡±
Again, the response from someone who wished I was there, didn¡¯t make any sense to me. Even more so when she just revealed the girls were still at the bar because at midnight, she left them there and decided to walk home. Not to mention, Carolyn and Debbie knew everything about us anyway, so her weak response only left me with more questions in an already unsettled and startled mind. If she missed me so much, what would the girls have heard if she texted me rather than called? What really went on the previous night?
ME: ¡°I don¡¯t know. Something isn¡¯t making sense here. It just makes me wonder.¡±
ANYA: ¡°Wonder?¡±
ME: ¡°It makes me wonder if there were guys around.¡±
After I texted this, my heart and mind filled with dread as it questioned both her honesty and her love for me. If she truly missed me. If she truly wished I was there. If she truly loved me, nothing in this world would have stopped her from contacting me last night. Not her husband. Not some guys she met at the bar. Not her friends. A real love could be stopped by no one.
Ten minutes passed before she responded.
ANYA: ¡°I¡¯m not going to lie to you. Of course, but I was hanging with the girls. I¡¯m not even remotely close to being interested in any other guys. I thought of you only.¡±
When I revealed it made me wonder, I didn¡¯t believe she flirted with any guys, but when she mentioned she wasn¡¯t ¡°remotely close to be interested in any other guys¡± and ¡°I thought of you only¡±, it only begged more questions as her response seemed bizarre. Why did she feel the need to tell me she wasn¡¯t remotely interested in other guys after she all we¡¯ve shared and all she ever told me about her feelings? The last time she was surrounded by men in Palm Springs, she left the party and talked to me outside. How could she be even remotely interested in any other guys when we couldn¡¯t be together because of her kids? She thought of me only? She thought of me so much, she only texted me to say ¡°goodnight¡±? You fear the girls could see and hear everything yet these are the same girls, who were married not single, who were hanging out with guys all night? The whole scene and ¡°all girls ski trip¡± made me suddenly nauseous as I began to throw up my lunch. These women are so concerned about the ¡°sacrifices¡± they¡¯re making for the sake of their children, yet here they partied and flirted with guys as if they were single? How could they be such frauds? And Anya cared about what they thought of her? Criticized her for being a ¡°grandma¡± while they partied and flirted with guys until three thirty in the morning?
Even though nothing sounded right about this trip to me at all, I had to trust Anya. I loved her, and I couldn¡¯t fathom she would experience a beautiful day with me just a couple of days ago to just go out and flirt with other guys, but I struggled to put my faith in her innocent plea. For her to flirt with any man, after all the sacrifices I made for her over the last fourteen months would have unsettled anyone, but I all I could trust in was that she left the bar at midnight.
Too afraid to respond, I let Anya continue.
ANYA: ¡°The girls get mad or try to take my fone away if I text too much.¡±
So basically, their message to her was this; ¡°stop texting some guy you love, and flirt with the strangers at the table with us.¡±? Join our form of immorality? Was she being truly honest with me about this? Why would they take her phone away from her, knowing how much she loved me? How much we hurt when we were apart? Her response was inconsistent with all she ever told me about all they knew. Was their friendship more meaningful to Anya than the love she felt for me? I knew I finished behind her kids, but her friends too? And if I now stood behind them, then who would I finish behind next?
As all these destructive thoughts swirled, I fought not to ruin her trip with them. I had to put my trust in her. I had to believe her. I had to give her the benefit of the doubt. I just didn¡¯t expect to compete with other men since the woman I loved was married. And although I fought for her happiness in life, I had to fight for my own as I had the same struggles as if she were single, which only the pain that much more impossible to overcome. I didn¡¯t want to sour her trip, but I struggled constantly throughout it. I didn¡¯t need to struggle more than what I felt was necessary, but all I could do was let her have fun and trust she respected my heart enough to understand why I struggled with this.
I couldn¡¯t respond with anything positive so I decided to remain silent until I could. Anya sent me a text after she returned from the gym an hour later.
ANYA: ¡°I¡¯m sorry. Was snowing and I was soaked when I got home. I stripped everything off cuz I was cold and just hit the bed.¡±
I started to learn, as more time passed, there were many things she kept from me when we met. How she held onto things that she felt couldn¡¯t hurt me if I didn¡¯t know, but I deserved to know in the very beginning of our relationship. She knew I didn¡¯t decide to be a part of her life to support her marriage in any way, regardless of the kids, and I definitely didn¡¯t choose to be a part of her life, in the middle of her situation, so she could just go out and party with her friends as if I didn¡¯t exist. As if the feelings she allowed and encouraged me to have for her didn¡¯t mean a damn thing. And I couldn¡¯t believe she didn¡¯t know that this kind of behavior she exhibited was something guys generally did, not women. I wasn¡¯t her husband. I didn¡¯t cheat on her while she carried her son, but the way she made me feel on this trip, I felt as if she punished me for something, I¡¯d never do to anyone.
ANYA: ¡°U still mad at me?¡±
At a time, I needed Anya to be empathetic, how could she fail to be? I remained loyal to her even as she stayed unloyal to me. So how could she not understand how this could affect me? I spent so many nights alone broken so she wouldn¡¯t be, a choice I could¡¯ve entirely avoided in the beginning, but I trusted her story of pain and sorrow. All she told me about her unfaithful emotionally abusive husband, I trusted. I trusted it so much I gave her the chance to be happy for a lifetime. She asked me to fight for her and here I was, alone at home, albeit broken by love, but the single one, while the married one, who told me she loved me forever, partied with friends as if she were single, to only leave me more broken inside. The fact she was so tired, a woman who barely got any sleep, seemed to suggest she stayed out with her friends, and that she didn¡¯t come home at midnight. Because if she truly did, I found it hard to believe she wouldn¡¯t have called or texted me. This truly marked the first time I questioned her love for me, but I guess if I was in her position, I would have lied too because it was so egregiously wrong. Again, I didn¡¯t want to sabotage her trip with my pessimistic realism as I fought to get past this almost bipolar episode.
ME: ¡°I¡¯m not mad at u. Just disappointed.¡±
ANYA ¡°I¡¯m sorry for disappointing you.¡±
I sat on her text because I had to be honest with myself; how many more disappointments would my heart be able to handle? Did I now have to compete against single men too? Did Anya care more about what her friends thought than her best friend? Or was I truly trumped by them too? That she knew them longer than me, like her kids, therefore I had no right to feel she should leave Jackson? She claimed my feelings mattered but at moments like this, when she had another avenue of happiness, it seemed like they never truly did. And if I was to communicate to her how this made me feel, she would only feel compelled to break up with me; not be with me.
I hesitated to share how I truly felt because I had been wrong before, but what if she fabricated things to make it seem I was wrong about them? What if she fabricated the bench story while she was in Spain just so I wouldn¡¯t question her and it would drop my guard? I really wanted to believe she left the girls and walked home at midnight because it would end my pain and worry, but her texts seemed inconsistent with that story. I loved her to death, and I trusted her with my life, but was she being honest with me? Or was this simply an instance when I couldn¡¯t blame her for not being honest with me?
ANYA: ¡°I wish u¡¯d talk to me. I miss u. I felt bad the whole day. The girls are out but I walked home after dinner. I just don¡¯t understand what I¡¯ve done. Goodnight.¡±
After I read her text, I picked up the phone and called her. When she picked up, and greeted me in a sad tone, my heart began to speak.
¡°Babe, I¡¯m fine. I haven¡¯t texted because you told me your friends give you a hard time. I¡¯m sorry I made this trip about me. It¡¯s not about me at all.¡± I said. ¡°Please go back out with your friends¡I¡¯m fine. I just got my hopes up last night I would get a chance to talk to you. I miss you, and when I say that, I really do¡way more than my words can relay to you. It¡¯s easy to get my hopes up that I¡¯ll hear more from you than usual whenever you¡¯re away from home because I miss you so much. Maybe that¡¯s wrong of me to feel. I don¡¯t know¡but it¡¯s impossible not to feel, and I can¡¯t pretend to feel any other way. You have always texted or called when you¡¯re alone, so when you didn¡¯t, my past led me to believe you were around guys because you didn¡¯t need to hear my voice or to hear from me. It was hard enough I couldn¡¯t be with you last night or as often as I would like to¡and just thinking other guys could be accepted by your friends made it a lot tougher when I¡¯m the man who loves you. The one you love. It¡¯s just so unfair¡it¡¯s hard not to let it break you.¡±
¡°You have to know you¡¯re the only man in my heart. I carry you around everywhere I go. I only want to be with you. I only love you.¡± she said as she choked up. ¡°I just went to bed. Is that so wrong?¡±
¡°I really needed to hear that.¡± I said as I fought back tears of my own. ¡°I do trust in your love, babe and I guess that also leaves me vulnerable to being broken easily. I¡¯ve had a past with women that have been inconsiderate to my feelings, and my self esteem has taken a huge hit because of it. It¡¯s really difficult for me not to resort back to prior experiences to protect myself from the vulnerability I feel. I work hard on it every day but the scar is there. I hope you¡¯re not crying over there.¡±
¡°I¡¯m ok.¡± she reassured. ¡°I¡¯m sorry I didn¡¯t text you. I really did go to bed. All day of skiing and cocktails. I love you¡you know.¡±
¡°I believe you, babe. I¡¯m sorry you had a bad day and you had to leave your friends. I feel bad about that. Please go back and meet up with them. The last thing I¡¯d want is to take you away from them. We¡¯re good. I¡¯m really sorry. I love you to death, Anya.¡±
¡°That¡¯s sweet babe. I¡¯m really touched. I love you to death too.¡± she said. ¡°Oh look, Carolyn is calling me.¡±
¡°Go babe! Have a nice time! Thank you for understanding. I love you.¡±
¡°Thank you for understanding too. I love you too.¡±
Missing Anya as much as I did was no picnic in the park. The longing I felt was beyond real, and nothing like I ever felt before, and at times it felt I waited in a doctor¡¯s office afraid to be told I had six months to live. In the end, love ruled enough to understand her side of my fear, or my likely irrational thoughts. Since I was able to resolve my ill feelings, I planned to just go to bed to take advantage of the good feelings I had. After our talk, I felt bad I questioned Anya¡¯s love for me as her tears told me I was wrong, and I couldn¡¯t afford to be wrong again.
I then decided to turn in, but before I could, my cell phone¡¯s red indicator light began to blink, two minutes into the new day.
ANYA: ¡°Goodnight. I miss u. I love you forever.¡±
ME: ¡°I miss u and I love you forever too. Goodnight Beautiful.¡±
Anya came through for me and I appreciated she took the time to do so. If she didn¡¯t truly love me, she could have blown me off, and dealt with me when she returned. She only wanted to be with me; she carried me with her wherever she went. I¡¯m the only man she loved; the only one in her heart. Instead of ending things, something she usually did when I struggled, she showed me her love instead as her words breathed new life into me. Words that kept me from self destruction. If I didn¡¯t react to things though, as much as it would affect her, how would she know I truly loved her? People needed to swallow their pride more often than not to show people how much they meant to them. As much as I tried to be noble with my emotions, I didn¡¯t think it was fair to our relationship if I pretended. I loved Anya immensely, but I was also human, and prone to selfishness and impatience at times. She had a hold on me now, and the things she did mattered. If I didn¡¯t feel a thing for her, I wouldn¡¯t have cared what she did.
After Anya sent me her goodnight text, I decided to call it a night. At about one thirty a.m. though, I suddenly woke up and noticed my cell phone light was blinking again.
ANYA: ¡°U there? I don¡¯t want to get in trouble. JK.¡±
I then noticed she sent it almost an hour ago.
ME: ¡°Hey! I just woke up and saw your text! I didn¡¯t expect I¡¯d hear from you so I went to bed.¡±
ANYA: ¡°Sorry I woke u up.¡±
ME: ¡°You didn¡¯t wake me up. I woke up on my own. My phone is silent. What r u up to at 2 in the morning?¡±
ANYA: ¡°We¡¯re up talking. Girl drama.¡±
ME: ¡°Oh! I see! I hope you girls are ok. Well, I don¡¯t want to interfere in your business, babe. I will say goodnight again then.¡±
After I sent my text, Anya didn¡¯t respond as I hoped I wasn¡¯t responsible for any of the girl drama. She then texted me back forty minutes later, just as the clock struck three.
ANYA: ¡°Finally going to bed. Will tell you later. Debbie got a little dramatic and we had to baby her. What a day. Sorry goodnight.¡±
ME: ¡°Whatever it is, I¡¯m sure the alcohol had something to do with it. Well, have a goodnight babe. Sorry you had a crazy day. I hope you can get some rest.¡±
After I sent my final my final salutation, I blasted off into a good night¡¯s sleep as I felt Anya and I maturely settled all that unsettled me earlier. What happened with Debbie and the girls was none of my business so I didn¡¯t ask any questions, and let Anya share what she wanted to.
The next morning, and only a few hours later, Anya responded to my last text.
ANYA: ¡°Good morning handsome! You¡¯re right they all drank way too much! I slept ok. I miss you.¡±
As I rolled over to text her back, I noticed a strand of her hair on my pillow as it brought with it an instant smile; a spontaneous happiness.
ME: ¡°I just found a strand of your hair on my pillow! It reminded me of how beautiful you looked the other day. Gave me butterflies. I miss u.¡±
ANYA: ¡°I miss u babe. Just leaving Mammoth.¡±
ME: ¡°Have a safe trip home. Can¡¯t wait to see you again. I love you forever.¡±
ANYA: ¡°I know baby. I love you forever. Two more days!¡±
ME: ¡°Two more days! I hope Debbie is doing better today.¡±
ANYA: ¡°Debbie felt ¡°left out¡± and kept saying ¡°the girls don¡¯t care about her feelings¡±. Blah blah blah. I can¡¯t do whiny.¡±
Debbie seemed to carry a drink in her hand throughout the trip, and the excess alcohol no undoubtedly contributed to her emotions, but what made her feel ¡°left out¡± and why did she feel the girls didn¡¯t care about her feelings? Did it have something to do with the guys they hung out with on the trip? Anya couldn¡¯t do whiny? Were Debbie¡¯s feelings generally irrational and unimportant to her and the rest of her ¡°friends¡±?
I would say this about Debbie; she never flirted with guys. She pretty much wanted nothing to do with them as she made an example out of Mitch when he tried to hit on her. Was it because Debbie refused to take part in the weekend debauchery? How could Anya be so critical of Debbie? This capped off a rather questionable all girls ski trip. An excursion, or escape from married life when women in their forties spent an entire weekend and acted as if they weren¡¯t married at all didn¡¯t make much sense to me. If all mothers made sacrifices for their kids, to be married and still live the single lifestyle didn¡¯t sound like much of a real sacrifice to me. And if they refused to make any such sacrifices, this is the way they wanted to live their lives? Like a member of a college sorority? There had to be something I was missing, but maybe this was how women who married young generally felt? So young in fact, they never experienced the single life in their twenties and that¡¯s why they partied until dawn on this trip? If they truly loved their husbands, and truly made sacrifices for their family, why would they even care to experience something they never did anyway? I hated to be judgmental, but my heart was involved with one of them, and her choice to party with friends instead of being with her best one, affected me. Even though, I found it hard to understand the reason behind her trip, people had their own reasons, some I may not even be aware of, for the choices they made. There were probably things I didn¡¯t not know about Debbie and Carolyn that would help me better understand the reason behind the weekend getaway. My only valid area of genuine wonder existed in how this trip was even possible when Anya had a super suspicious husband at home. He had to know the chance existed that Anya¡¯s lover could meet up with her, so what kept him confident enough to believe she wouldn¡¯t see me on this trip? Why did he suddenly stop watching her like a hawk?
I felt bad about what I put Anya through on her trip. Her heartfelt words softened me as I owed her an explanation.
ME: ¡°Thank you for all the beautiful things you texted me this weekend. You touched me even from far away. Sorry if I came off strange to you, but please understand it was only b/c I wanted to be with you, the one I love. I totally and completely trust in your love. I really have to. That night brought me back to a place I had no right visiting again. My ex, the one who left me for another man, would always call me every Friday and Saturday night when she was out. Then one weekend the phone didn¡¯t ring when I expected it would. I didn¡¯t let it bother me at all. I just thought she was busy, and I trusted her, so nothing bad entered my mind other than I hoped she was safe. I just told myself ¡°oh she¡¯s just out with her friends. Don¡¯t be jealous.¡± The following Monday morning she sent an email to my work to tell me she met someone new that weekend. I couldn¡¯t believe it, and there were many weekend nights even after she told me she had met another that I¡¯d stay at home, waiting for the phone to ring, hoping against all hope it would¡but it never did. It was pure torture. This was the main reason I walked away from you initially. I feared this might happen to me again. The difference between you and her though was simple, she didn¡¯t love me, and you do. I had a hard time accepting that back then, but you proved your love to me this weekend by talking to me on the phone and by sending you heart to me over text. They were all received as sincere and sweet acts of love, and I can¡¯t thank you enough for them. They meant a lot to me, even erased pain I didn¡¯t know was still there from my past. If you ever wondered why I think you¡¯re so beautiful, refer to this text, and to the love you showed me this weekend. I was just so touched by your love. I¡¯m sorry I had a hard time.¡±
Anya responded like a lover would. At a time I desperately needed her to, she came through for me. She didn¡¯t run, like she did in the past, she upped the ante and made it clear she only loved and wanted to be with me, and it meant everything. If Anya resented Jackson enough to fall in love with me, I sought assurance she resented him enough to leave him as well. And if she only wanted to be with me, I didn¡¯t find it to be too much to ask from her, especially after all we¡¯ve shared.
The next day, on a morning I didn¡¯t expect to hear from her after a weekend away from her kids, I initiated a good morning text and asked her how she was doing.
ANYA: ¡°I¡¯m good! Just trying to get back to reality. Got your texts this morning from last nite. I¡¯m sorry you¡¯re still haunted by your past. It must have been hard. How r u?¡±
ME: ¡°I¡¯m good babe. How could I not be? I get to see you tomorrow!¡±
ANYA: ¡°Feeling anxious about spending precious time cooking!¡±
ME: ¡°I¡¯m feeling the same way! I¡¯d rather spend time cooking in my room!¡±
ANYA: ¡°Ha! Since risotto is a dish you should eat right away I¡¯d have to make something else to go w/truffle oil. Do you like rice, mushrooms, nuts and cheese?¡±
ME: ¡°I¡¯ve never had risotto before anyway so I would have to say yes! That sounds delicious babe! Whatever works best for you! I¡¯m sure I would love anything you made for me. I¡¯m really excited for tomorrow! Can¡¯t wait to see you!¡±
ANYA: ¡°I know baby! I¡¯m sooo excited!¡±
Not one time did I over exaggerate my excitement to see Anya. For the first time in my life, I felt truly blessed each and every time the opportunity presented itself. I¡¯d have to be in an ICU, linked to tubes, in a coma, for me to not be excited to see her, and even then, I¡¯d be surprised if I didn¡¯t wake up by her mere scent. I truly didn¡¯t know if the rice dish she proposed would be better than risotto, but if she made plain tomato soup spectacular, no doubt her rice dish would be, although I wasn¡¯t certain how the nuts would work their way in.
When the twenty seventh day of the year 2009 arrived, I had no idea I was in store for one of the best days, if not the best day, of my thirty-eight years here.
ANYA: ¡°Good morning! Noon?¡±
ME: ¡°Good morning! No now! JK! See you at noon!¡±
ANYA: ¡°!!!¡±
To see her exclamation points laden text always left me steeped in anticipation, and when she arrived at my place, in white jeans and a light purple blouse, with her perfect black hair laid delicately upon her bare shoulders and a smile that could melt an Antarctic ice shelf, I became disoriented as I could barely breathe by the sight of her. I then grabbed the bags she brought and substituted them with my hand in hers as we walked back to our safe haven. After I closed and locked my apartment door behind me upon our entry, I placed the bags on my empty kitchen counter. She smiled again at me with soulful eyes as our lips met for what seemed like an eternity. Without a word to say, we held each other tightly as we basked in being one again as I brought my head into her neck to take in her scent of pure divinity.
¡°Are you hungry?¡± she asked.
¡°Oh yes.¡± I said.
¡°Let¡¯s eat now then so we don¡¯t waste precious time!¡±
I brought her lips back to mine and told her I agreed as I playfully slapped her on her cute behind. To spend time with Anya at my apartment was to know the hardest part was to hold off our affection for each other once we started as it pained both of us to pull away from each other because we knew how precious the time was, and how if flew by us so fast. Several delicious meals went cold when she visited but as badly as I wanted to feel her bare body against mine, she went out of her way to prepare for me a very special dish so I tried to talk my libido down as Anya prepared our lunch.
¡°I¡¯ve already made everything, all I have to do is heat it up.¡± she said.
Another thing I loved about Anya is that she knew where things were in my kitchen. I never told her where things were, she just knew me, so she knew where to go for bowls, plates, cups silverware and napkins. As I watched her prepare our dishes, and I tried to help out but could tell she had it all under control, I couldn¡¯t help but want to see her at my place every single day.
¡°What do you want to drink, babe? I have pretty much everything.¡±
¡°Do you mind if I had a glass of wine?¡± she asked.
¡°Do you mind if I join you?¡± I asked.
¡°You have to go back to work. Don¡¯t you babe?¡±
¡°One glass of wine isn¡¯t going to kill me, I¡¯ll be fine Sweetheart.¡±
¡°Are you sure?¡±
¡°Positive.¡± I said as I grabbed a new bottle of an old favorite of ours and grabbed some wine glasses for us. ¡°What are you putting on the rice?¡±
¡°Just a little shredded parmesan cheese.¡± she said as her lips found mine. ¡°After it¡¯s heated, I¡¯ll add the white truffle oil.¡±
¡°I think my stomach just growled even more.¡±
As I poured the wine and watched Anya work magic in the kitchen, I felt more love for her than I could¡¯ve ever felt in my bedroom, as she gave me a glimpse of what living with her would be like. What I witnessed was something I simply wanted to come home to every night as she poured her heart and soul into what she prepared. We even made a good team in the kitchen as she handled the food and I handled the drinks. It brought back memories of comfort when I lived at home with my parents as she brought immense life to my dull one bedroom apartment. As I watched this beautiful human being do a thing that made her so, I remembered the time we danced in the living room. All the times we kissed in the kitchen. The time I wiped away her tears when she came over to try and break up with me, only because she loved me. All the walks we made to my bedroom as we anticipated heaven. Every single space in my apartment breathed and carried memories of Anya¡¯s love for me, as she created another space of love in my home. As the afternoon sun shone brightly through the blinds, it symbolized the light of our future together. At a time I didn¡¯t believe I could ever possibly feel more for someone, I did as Anya¡¯s beauty shone brighter than the sun through my blinds.
Anya brought me my plate and sat down on the stool next to mine. She then brought generously poured wine glass to mine and tapped it lightly.
¡°To us.¡± she said.
¡°To us.¡± I said. ¡°Thank you.¡±
¡°It¡¯s my pleasure. I hope you like it.¡±
¡°Hey, where are the nuts?¡± I joked. ¡°You promised me nuts too!¡±
¡°They¡¯re in there, babe.¡± she said through a laugh ¡°They¡¯re thinly sliced almonds. It gives the dish a little more flavor.¡±
¡°Maybe I should just eat and shut my trap huh?¡±
¡°It¡¯s something to consider.¡± she said with another vintage smile.
After a hearty laugh as happiness swelled inside me just by her mere presence, I brought my fork to dish and then to mouth, and what I tasted not only blew me away, but I knew I¡¯d have to learn the recipe.
¡°This is unbelievable, babe.¡± I said. ¡°I thought you tomato soup was out of this world. I think you topped yourself here.¡±
¡°You like it?¡±
¡°I love it! I think I could eat this every day for the rest of my life. It¡¯s that good!¡±
¡°I¡¯m so happy!¡± she said with genuine surprise as if no one complimented her cooking before.
¡°How did you make this? What¡¯s all that goes into it?¡±
¡°It¡¯s just long grain rice, babe.¡±
¡°Brown rice?¡±
¡°No, it only looks that way. The mushrooms make it turn from white to brown when you mix it with olive oil.¡±
¡°You don¡¯t cook the rice in a cooker at all?¡±
¡°No, I do, but then I transfer it to a pan on the stove and mix in the almonds and mushrooms.¡±
¡°And that¡¯s it?¡±
¡°Well, after I take it out of the pan, I top it off with shredded Parmesan cheese and then microwave it until the cheese melts and then I add a little white truffle oil.¡± she further explained. ¡°Can you taste the white truffle oil?¡±
¡°I can, it¡¯s slight but I can taste it.¡± I said. ¡°This is phenomenal, babe. I really can¡¯t thank you enough for it. Just the thoughtfulness alone you put into it.¡±
¡°You¡¯re most welcome!¡± she said happily. ¡°I can give you a list of the things you need if you wanted to make it for yourself at home.¡±
¡°I would love that! Thank you!¡± I said. ¡°I love you!¡±
¡°Ha! I love you too!¡± she said as her lips met mine.
While we sat together for the next half hour, and shared a dish her heart created, I wished the day would never end because I just experienced one of the greatest moments of my life. I then came to realize at that moment that pretty much all of the greatest moments of my life were spent with Anya, and my heart began to ache when I thought this moment would eventually suffer the same fate all the others did. After we finished our lunch, she then reached into her purse and pulled out a card.
¡°I know we¡¯re a week early, but Happy Birthday my love.¡±
¡°Oh Sweetheart, the lunch was more than enough.¡± I said at her extended thoughtfulness. ¡°You didn¡¯t have to. Having you next to me is the greatest birthday gift already.¡±
¡°I wanted to babe.¡± she said with genuine eyes. ¡°It¡¯s a really special day. It¡¯s your birthday!¡±
I smiled then opened the card as I almost openly wept because of a mixture of both happiness and sadness as I lived my entire life with none who cared about my existence, let alone the day I came into it. When I opened the card, I couldn¡¯t help but smile even broader.
¡°I finally have my bookmark.¡± I said as my eyes turned to hers
¡°I¡¯ve been promising you forever!¡±
¡°You laminated it?¡± I asked.
¡°Of course, babe!¡± she replied through a laugh.
¡°I love that it¡¯s pink because this is totally you!¡± I stated, our lips meeting once again. ¡°It¡¯s not as beautiful as you are, but it¡¯s truly beautiful, babe. Thank you.¡±
This was no ordinary bookmark. This was a book mark she designed from her heart, one she put her soul into so when we read books, I knew she was truly with me when I closed it and came back again. Every gesture she made to me was always like her; simple yet beautiful.
I then read my birthday card and nearly bawled. To see her love in her writing touched me like nothing before as text messages often relayed sentiments that were harder to convey. Her gifts only culminated a perfect lunch with the most perfect person as I realized the need, more than ever, to change this imperfect situation. We were surrounded by a perfect love we built from nothing, and as I sat next to her, I believed we built the foundation for a perfect relationship. Our problems only existed because of an imperfect situation, but I knew without a doubt if it changed, our foundation would only allow us to build the greatest of monuments so others would see why love, not wealth, ruled the world.
Love was the only excuse she needed to leave her destructive marriage, one that wreaked havoc on the lives of others, for no good reason other than to keep up appearances. This moment together, a show of love I¡¯ve never felt from another human being and would only reciprocate, was one of the many things I had to fight for her to have; for both of us to have. I just could never understand for the life of me, how this simple yet perfect love could ever ruin lives. It would only allow Anya to be there for her kids because we both knew where we wanted to be, and we knew at the end of the day, we would be there for each other, unlike Flora who seemed to fall into the same trap that got her divorced in the first place. As I sat her with Anya, and ate a lunch she made from the most sacred place possible, from her heart, I could no longer be convinced a divorce would hurt her children, not if she went through all this trouble for just such simple moment that made her this happy.
After we finished lunch, we moved to our bedroom, to feel closer to each other to further seize a perfect moment. And when the time came for her to leave our paradise, I pulled her back several times with my sneaky left arm as she rolled back happily to me each time. Anya would lose track of time, and I feared she might be late to pick up her kids, so I had to really fight myself to be strong enough to let her go. In my career, I¡¯ve had to solve some really tough problems, but letting Anya leave my arms on this day was the hardest thing I ever had to do.
When her hand left mine once we reached my gate, I tortured myself and watched her drive away. All I could do was stand there alone with my thoughts five minutes after she did as I hoped she might come back for one last kiss even as I knew it would never happen. I usually stood outside my gate and waved back at her to make sure she drove away safely, but this time it hurt more than usual, and to no fault of her own. We shared the most perfect time two human beings could ever imagine, solely designed for us by the universe, and it took me by total surprise because when I woke up this morning, I had no idea it would be the happiest day of my life.
An hour later after she left, I decided to stay home and work remotely from home. Although my intentions were good, I didn¡¯t realize the thickness of the heavenly cloud would not allow me to focus enough on work even away from the office. I then composed a text to thank her for another beautiful day in my life because of the love she gave me.
ANYA: ¡°Sorry was driving. Ur so welcome baby! It was really nothing! I¡¯m glad u like the truffle rice! I would love to make u dishes more often if I could!¡±
ME: ¡°I really appreciated it babe. I love my bookmark and my card too! I can¡¯t wait for dinner tonight so I can taste it again! Do you want the Tupperware back?¡±
ANYA: ¡°The Tupperware is yours, babe. Sorry it took so long to get the bookmark to you. Thank u for taking time out of ur work day again. I love you forever!¡±
ME: ¡°Thanks again for all the heartfelt gifts babe! You coming to visit me was a gift all by itself. I love you forever!¡±
As the day carried on and then turned into night, the dreariness of my now lonely reality left me emotional as I found it hard to believe just hours earlier, my apartment was filled with so much life, love and happiness. In an attempt to turn off the immense sorrow, I texted her to see how she was feeling so maybe I didn¡¯t have to go through this alone.
ANYA: ¡°I¡¯m good! Good feelings about today! Haven¡¯t come down yet!¡±
ME: ¡°That¡¯s good babe! I had a great time today! Hard to focus on work! I loved having lunch with you. It was a lot of fun. I love you!¡±
ANYA: ¡°What time r u done? I loved eating with you too! I love you!¡±
I couldn¡¯t let Anya know I didn¡¯t make it back to the office because she would feel responsible for something, she wasn¡¯t responsible for at all. I could have gone back to the office, and I probably should have, but it was my choice alone not to.
ME: ¡°I have a couple more hours here babe then I¡¯m free to go. Just wanted to let you know I loved our time together today. Thanks for making it such a special day for me.¡±
ANYA: ¡°It felt as if we were together and it was an everyday thing. So natural.¡±
ME: ¡°I couldn¡¯t describe it any better. It felt just like an everyday thing for us.¡±
The greatest of days it was. The gifts were phenomenally heartfelt and the food was beyond superb; all things she put together with this beautiful heart of hers. Anya¡¯s love, a love I felt so awful to even question, made it the most precious of days for me in my life and the most memorable as I never felt more loved by another human being; by far and away the sweetest thing anyone ever did for me.
The beauty of the day also led me to question, more than ever, why I couldn¡¯t be with the one who loved me this much? How much more did we have to prove to the universe? I didn¡¯t think we asked for anything two people, who were this much in love, wouldn¡¯t already have. This day only proved we were made for each other. That she naturally belonged to me, and I naturally belonged to her. No algorithms or functions need; just elementary arithmetic.
For her to love me in such a beautiful fashion, it made me wonder if she ever loved Jackson with even a tenth of her heart, how could he ever had cheated on her? How could he ever be that cruel to someone who showed him that much love? If there truly was a God, how could he ever reward Jackson with Anya¡¯s heart? The love she showed me on this day helped me to see the cruelty required to cheat on her, and it made me not want Anya to be intimate with him again as I wanted her to give him a real reason to divorce her for the sake of my own heart. If she took sex away from Jackson, I believed he would no longer feel inclined to stay for the kids as his libido kept him married as much as anything did. That staying in his marriage was not this great noble sacrifice he made for his children. If Anya truly wanted to be with me, like the day showed, she had to begin the process to let Jackson know the truth. After the show of love today that left me absolutely mentally shipwrecked, the dishonesty was now way too much for me to handle as her unrestrictive acts of love left me unconvinced that her kids would be ruined by her decision. Of course, they would be hurt only because they didn¡¯t understand, but I felt the gap could be filled by a bridge of love. It might take a little time, but in the end both Katie and Andrew would understand, and thrive in their own marriages because of it. They would know what a normal marriage was, and not have marriages like their parents did. Anya had to see the long term and not just have this short-term focus brought on by unfounded fears and misunderstanding. Anya simply couldn¡¯t love someone this deeply and expect that person to be tolerant of an unchanged situation as she remained married to a man she absolutely despised, let alone still shared a bed with. Anya had to understand no one in their right mind, would fall in love with her this deeply and still support her to stay in her marriage for any reason. Anya had to know this. To know it was wrong of her to allow and encourage someone to feel this much love for her, for nothing. For her to be and remain with someone else. For her to not even make a semblance of a promise to be with me, but only a promise to love me forever. Forever would never be enough if we weren¡¯t together as it became plain common sense that her marriage was now unacceptable. The only reason I gave her any time was because I wanted her to not only get to know me, but to also come into a good situation financially. I never agreed if she loved me this deeply, and allowed me to feel the same, and gave me all the reasons in the world for her to leave, that I would understand and be happy if she stayed for any reason; as if I never felt a thing for her and she never allowed me to. For the most part, I always tried to understand just so to not cause her any grief, but I felt too much now, more than I ever had, because of all the love she gave me. And it became impossible to hide how I felt about her unchanged situation, and how this ¡°sacrifice¡± she made was now both ridiculous and fraudulent.
Just before bedtime, and after I used my bookmark for the first time, I put together a text to let her know how the love she showed me on this particular day, a love unlike I¡¯ve ever felt before, made me feel.
ME: ¡°I have to tell you about my bookmark situation. I was using the heart you gave me at the movies as my bookmark for ¡°Eclipse¡±. And for ¡°New Moon¡±, I used the envelope you sent me Katie¡¯s recital tickets in. Yep, I keep everything you give me. I now use the bookmark you gave me today for ¡°Eclipse¡±. I know you think what you did for me today was ¡°nothing¡± or no trouble at all, but I know better than that. The thought, the time and the effort required while putting your heart and soul into the gifts you gave me today, considering all that u do and how busy you are was just so touching. I knew it would hit me hard. You could have just shown up at my door and that would have been the best gift I could have ever asked for and hoped to receive. Today was the best day of my life simply because you made it the happiest day of my life by giving me your heart, and I love you more than I did when I woke up this morning, something I didn¡¯t think was even possible. I mean that sincerely. Thank you again, babe, for the best day of my life. Have a goodnight. I love you forever.¡±
After I sent this text off into an electronic ocean, like a message in a bottle, I didn¡¯t expect a response from her until the next morning, but I was wrong.
ANYA: ¡°It was done out of love. I hope ur ok.¡±
ME: ¡°I¡¯m ok. I just wanted you to know how much the day meant to me.¡±
ANYA: ¡°It was the best!¡±
ME: ¡°It sure was babe!¡±
ANYA: ¡°I better say goodnight. I¡¯m fading. I love you forever.¡±
After I absorbed Anya¡¯s last text with my heart more than my eyes, I had to face a cruel reality...I couldn¡¯t be as noble about this as I hoped to be anymore. After all the love she showed me today, I was okay, but at the same time, I was not. After all she put into my birthday, I could no longer understand my role as a distraction in her life around her children. I simply had to know the real reason she remained undecided. I had to know why she loved another man yet still shared a bed with the other who did nothing but dishonor and disrespect her heart. I had to know the truth why she remained stubborn to listen to her own heart, as I could no longer believe she stayed solely for the kids.
As her love spoke beyond words on this day, the day of my birth thirty-eight years ago, I felt the time arrived to make my push for at least a promise from her. To either have the love of my life, or to learn the hardest truth I ever had to face about her love, and love in general.
CHAPTER 32 ~ MONSTER
¡°And give me love over,
love over,
love over this.¡±
~ ¡°Politik¡± Coldplay
After the first ever day in my life I truly felt worthy of air, I prepared myself for my own immolation to follow. The bludgeoning of my own heart for loving someone so deeply. I knew if Anya simply disappeared into her home life as the love she showed me never happened, it would be more heart wrenching than ever before. I¡¯d feel it was not done out of love, but done with a purpose because I¡¯d never understand how she couldn¡¯t feel the way I did. And even as I prepared myself for the possibility, a likelihood all its own, I knew I no longer had control of how I¡¯d feel. An inability to stop the sadness, like a hurricane that formed just off the mainland. She gave me the best day of my entire life, just two days after she told me she wanted to be with me, and she only loved me. I respected her position because I trusted her words, but I understood it less each time we shared life changing moments. Each time she showed how much she loved me. I needed her that much more. If she wanted to be with me, then I wanted her to have what she wanted. To have what the character Rosalie in ¡°Eclipse¡± did not.
What we had was special and beautiful enough to leave a completely dishonest marriage for. People left their spouses for much less, and after all Anya communicated to me, after all she endured, she deserved happiness. If Anya¡¯s unhappiness was of the general variety most couples experienced over time, this love could never be worthy enough to leave her marriage for. If Anya struggled with kind of indecisiveness, as much as it would kill me, I would walk away, but I knew too much about Jackson Caiaphas. I knew her unhappiness intimately enough because it led her to me. Her indecisiveness shouldn¡¯t exist unless there was a truth I had yet to learn. A truth she purposely hid to spare my feelings, and that was the challenge for me because it would leave me for dead now.
It seemed like Jackson no longer watched her like a hawk since he let her go to on a weekend trip with the girls. A trip that even saw them surrounded by other men, he had to be aware of. How was she able to convince him of this trip¡¯s innocence? No matter what she said because of the depth of her unhappiness, I believed Anya would be seeing someone else if it wasn¡¯t me. Someone who probably didn¡¯t respect her situation or her heart like I did, and her weekend with the girls in Mammoth only validated my belief. She would have only found another ¡°romantic¡± who didn¡¯t know what love truly was; like her husband. I felt not only destined but strategically placed by the Universe to be here, and I believed beyond the power to believe we were meant to be; that she was only putting off the inevitable.
Afraid I wouldn¡¯t hear from her the next morning, after such a beautiful day, I texted her to cut off any ill feelings if she didn¡¯t.
ANYA: ¡°Good morning! I¡¯m good! Full day ahead of me! How r u?¡±
Before I could respond, Anya sent me another text.
ANYA: ¡°I loved it too. It¡¯s so sexy.¡±
I read the text and it seemed she meant to send it to one of the girls instead of me, but was this the reason why she didn¡¯t have time to text me in the morning? Because she was too busy talking with other people? It was little things like this, that maybe shouldn¡¯t have mattered, nor would have affected me a year ago, that now hurt because she didn¡¯t at least make a promise to be with me. Nothing definitive at all, and that¡¯s why little things that shouldn¡¯t matter, now mattered significantly.
ME: ¡°I¡¯m good! I¡¯ll let you get started on your day! I love you!¡±
ANYA: ¡°I love you!¡±
Maybe she sent that text last night, and I didn¡¯t receive it until the morning? I feared it was ridiculous to ask about it, and I didn¡¯t want to make her feel like she couldn¡¯t text her friends. Of course, she could and I would want her to text them any time she needed to, but I also didn¡¯t want her to pretend she was too busy to text me in the morning when it¡¯s not true. I also took into consideration, she spent a lot of time with me the prior day and preparing what she did for me. It was absolutely true she had to play ¡°catch up¡± the following day and I respected that. It wouldn¡¯t have been fair to her for me to just sit here and pass judgments because she was too busy to talk to me. It wouldn¡¯t be right to penalize her for that, especially after all the love she bestowed upon me less than twenty-four hours earlier. As busy as she surely was, she still found a way to make me a part of her day.
ANYA: ¡°I miss u baby. How¡¯s your day?¡±
ME: ¡°I miss u too, babe. It¡¯s been a good day! How¡¯s your day going, Beautiful?¡±
ANYA: ¡°Good! Getting a lot done! Sorry I faded last night, was tired.¡±
ME: ¡°No apology necessary, Sweetheart. I totally understand. I know you have to play catch up today. You do what you need to do babe. I¡¯m here for you if you need me. Hard to not think about yesterday. Thank you for such a beautiful day.¡±
ANYA: ¡°Yesterday¡¯s memories are still so very clear. I love hanging with you. I love you.¡±
ME: ¡°Yesterday was the best. I love you too.¡±
Positive thoughts reigned the rest of the afternoon after her texts as not a lone wolf negative feeling crept in to tempt me to fall off the cliff. When I got home, I anxiously prepared and ate my rice for dinner as Anya made me enough for a few meals. She even left me an extra container of shredded parmesan cheese and a bottle of white truffle oil, the most expensive but integral items of the dish. As I ate my meal at my kitchen countertop, I envisioned her next to me with a glass of wine and her beautiful smile, but it just made me miss her more. I suddenly began to miss her voice. Her hand in mine. The cutest of smirks on her face. Her laughter and distinct sweet scent. The way her skin felt when it touched mine. Our conversations about anything and everything under the sun. More than anything, I missed her spirit, the air she gave me to breathe every time she came near me, because every time she did, she left me breathless.
After I ate my dinner, I texted her.
ME: ¡°Hi babe! I can¡¯t stop thinking about yesterday! I just wanted to thank you again for the rice dish! I love it! I had it again tonight! I think I can live off this! It¡¯s so good! Hope you¡¯re doing ok. Just thinking of you.¡±
ANYA: ¡°Hi! I know! I¡¯m still smiling from yesterday! U did? I¡¯m glad! Have to make u more!¡±
Anya¡¯s rice dish was seriously so good, a death row inmate would request it for their last meal. I could literally eat it every night for dinner, and its simplicity to prepare is what made it even better. Its taste alone told me how much her heart went into it. When she texted she was ¡°still smiling from yesterday¡±, I hoped her kids were around to witness, just in case they hardly ever saw her smile since they believed the most loving woman in the world was ¡°unloving¡±. I found it tragic they didn¡¯t know the true beauty of their mother¡¯s heart, and all they knew were fraudulent smiles. I missed Anya differently on this night, the way I wanted to miss her; left to dwell on the happiness I felt and not on the unknown variable as I felt more secure in her love for me, regardless of her indecision.
More than ever I dreamt of the day, I would see a ¡°here¡± text from her. A spontaneous, unannounced, uninitiated text with her final ¡°here¡± to me. The one that told me she was coming home. That she could no longer live a dishonest life, but only a life with me in it. That it was more important to be happy and to bathe in the light of the truth instead of the darkness of a lie. That she no longer wanted to be caught under a cloud of deception, by someone who only deceived her. I also dreamt of a meeting with Jackson. One he sought out to confront me. I had so many things to say, so much to teach him about love and life. and so much more I wanted him to know, especially if he believed I sought anything he worked for. Only Anya was entitled to half of what he built, not me. All I wanted was all he ever neglected when his empire was under scaffolding. I went to bed on this night in fantastic spirits and full of more hope than ever before.
When the next morning arrived, Anya didn¡¯t text me to wish me a good morning. It bummed me out as I recalled one of the messages, I received yesterday morning she meant to send to someone else. It also led me to wonder if Jackson still hawked her, and if not, what changed that? When I sent her my morning text, I had that question in the back of my mind as I tried to stave off any negative emotions.
ME: ¡°Good morning! R u catching up on everything?¡±
ANYA: ¡°Good morning! We¡¯re getting there! Andrew just told me he has a big chapter test in math tomorrow! Another night of studies! How r u love?¡±
After I received this text, I couldn¡¯t help myself any longer as I feared a day of negativity awaited me.
ME: ¡°I¡¯m okay, thanks. How are you doing these days with your husband? You never talk about it.¡±
ANYA: ¡°About the same. I have days when I want to run but then the kids¡¡±
I thought she might shed some additional light on the ¡°hawking¡± situation, but her response was too vague to stop my mind from running amok. She knew I didn¡¯t get involved in her life so she could just run away, as the answer she provided I already knew to a certain extent. I just didn¡¯t know if her response carried any real meaning other than to quiet me from asking me anymore questions. With my hopes of a final ¡°here¡± text from her greater than ever, I sought further clarification.
ME: ¡°How badly has your husband been hawking you?¡±
ANYA: ¡°A bit better.¡±
When I received another short and vague answer, it irritated me enough to dig further for the truth.
ME: ¡°How so?¡±
ANYA: ¡°It¡¯s not that much better. Just hasn¡¯t bugged me lately.¡±
After her trip to Mammoth with the girls and the greatest day she gave me of my entire life, why hadn¡¯t he bugged her lately? As much as I wanted to know the reason for it, I also didn¡¯t want to upset her. I guess I should¡¯ve figured she would be short and vague regardless.
ME: ¡°I don¡¯t want to upset you babe. Just curious. That¡¯s all. I care about u, u know.¡±
ANYA: ¡°Not upset. I appreciate that. Thank u for caring. I don¡¯t want u to think he¡¯s a monster.¡±
As I read the last sentence of her text over again, it hung in mid-air like the times I called her beautiful, as I couldn¡¯t believe what I read. She didn¡¯t want me to think he was a ¡°monster¡±? By telling me all the horrible things he did to her, the only reason I was in her life, what did she want me to think of him? That he was really a wonderful man and husband? If she didn¡¯t think he was at least a ¡°monster¡± of a husband, then how could she ever justify our relationship? How could she steal the justification from me after I went all in? After she told me after I walked away that I broke her heart? Isn¡¯t he monstrous enough to not allow you happiness? To threaten to take the kids away from you if you chose to be happy with someone who made you so? All this pain, I kept inside, away from her so she could be happy in life, and she didn¡¯t want me to think her husband, who emotionally abused her for years, was a monster? How could she text me such a thing after all she told me about him? After all she did for me for my birthday? Now suddenly she wanted me to view him as if I was Carolyn and Debbie, who didn¡¯t know about his infidelities? If she didn¡¯t want me to think he was a ¡°monster¡±, then she should¡¯ve just treated me like Carolyn and Debbie; like a business associate, like a neighbor. The fact she never kept his infidelities in the dark from me spoke to the truth; she wanted a relationship with me because she painted Jackson as a monstrosity to me. Maybe he wasn¡¯t a monster to others who he depended to make his living off of, but that didn¡¯t mean he wasn¡¯t one. If she wasn¡¯t looking for a relationship of any kind with another man, the truth was she hoped for it regardless of a search for it. I tried desperately to bite my tongue so I wouldn¡¯t say the wrong thing, but other than ¡°I hate you¡±, she couldn¡¯t have said a worse thing to a man she loved who went all based on all the things she ever told me about him to get what she wanted.
The man that dishonored her. The man that shamed her. The man who cheated on her several times. The man whose actions led her to other men. That only led her to be dishonest with her children. Who brought her to ¡°hate¡± her own life. She didn¡¯t want me to think ill enough of him to be considered a monster? What was I missing here? Was this a political and business move on her part to hide the truth from others about her husband? If he wasn¡¯t a monster, she basically pulled the rug out from under me after she asked me to fight for her. What would I be fighting for now after fourteen months if I couldn¡¯t find him to be a ¡°monster¡± at least to her? Did she appreciate his hawking of her as some kind of medal of love from him? The love she found in me that I gave her so unselfishly? She didn¡¯t want me to think of him as a ¡°monster¡± because it showed he cared about her? It would make her a ¡°monster¡± to look at things in such a way after all she allowed and encouraged me to feel for her. How could she take away the ground I stood upon after all the love she showed me just a day earlier? How could she say such a thing to the man she loved when he walked away from her over a year ago and she was even upset with him about it when he did? When he tried to avoid a text such as this one? Her not a ¡°monster¡± text only made me question what was really going on, and if I was even strong enough to know. If she didn¡¯t want me to think of him as a ¡°monster¡±, I honestly felt violated, like a rape victim because that I trusted her feelings about him. I guess as long as he pays the bills and took care of her kids, that kept him exempt from complete ¡°monster¡± status, but that didn¡¯t mean he wasn¡¯t a ¡°monster¡± at all. Since I was in her life the way I was, he could not be viewed as anything less than a monster.
Her text also brought along with it another concern as I didn¡¯t want her love to be the same one, she had for her kids; a love that hid the truth from me to spare my sadness. That¡¯s a selfish kind of love, a love for herself, and not a love for me. It would exist on a dishonest foundation, and I wanted and deserved more than that from her. I understood the lies she told to her children to keep them safe for the most part, but I would never want to be spared in such a manner. But then again, she knew I had the most legitimate of arguments if she ever came clean about such a thing. I held my phone in my hand and significantly pondered if it would be the beginning of the end for us. I couldn¡¯t believe this came from a woman who showed me more love than ever before just a couple of days earlier as it threatened everything we shared together.
ME: ¡°Babe, you have to understand something. I wouldn¡¯t have been in your life for a single day if you hadn¡¯t told me hideous things about him. Not a single day. For you to tell me he¡¯s not a ¡°monster¡± is defending him, and I won¡¯t allow you to do that after all he¡¯s put you through. Like I¡¯ve told you before, I wish he never cheated on you, even if it meant I never got the chance to feel all the love I do, because I would rather you be happy with the man you chose to marry, than the one you¡¯re not married to. So, I understand he¡¯s not a ¡°monster¡± to certain people, but he is to me, simply because I¡¯m in your life because of what he did to you.¡±
ANYA: ¡°Thank u babe. I don¡¯t want to hurt anyone.¡±
The last sentence of this particular text I read over and over. Now, fourteen months later, after she encouraged and allowed me to feel all I did because of all she told me about him, she didn¡¯t want to hurt him? What did she think being in a full blown extra marital relationship with another man would do to him? She got involved with me, after I walked away to avoid hurting anyone if that was a concern, with no intention to hurt him? Anya¡¯s ¡°as long as no one knows it can¡¯t hurt them¡± mindset I found deeply disturbing. It¡¯s like she lived in a fantasy world with unicorns and double rainbows around her. For some reason she thought the things we did together didn¡¯t hurt anyone simply because they didn¡¯t know about it? What if they sought the truth to relieve them from the pain? Would that be looked upon as hurting them too and not the actual acts itself? Why would a man who cheated on her numerous times be hurt by anything she did? How could she even believe he loved her over his money? Or even loved her enough to be genuinely hurt by anything she did? If she cared about hurting Jackson, what stopped her from letting him kiss her passionately a couple of weeks ago? How could she show me so much love, like never before, notwithstanding the last fourteen months and then care about his feelings all of a sudden? It took fourteen months for her to decide to handcuff me and lock me away into her asylum of selfish needs?
Her words seeming foretold and ominous truth, the only person who was going to hurt in all of this was the one who truly loved and cared for her; me. The scary part of it was she appeared to have no problem doing that to me, just like the holiday plans she made as she disregarded me as if I had cheated on her. Now she played the role of an innocent victim as if she never set up a date to tell me all the horrific things he did to her. As if I was the one who initiated our relationship, one I initially walked away from, and not the other way around. As if she never asked me to fight for her and never told me divorces happened all the time and nothing was impossible. She didn¡¯t want to hurt anyone yet she had no problem hurting the man who truly loved her? The man who was her best friend?
In total disbelief, I read several times her perceived defense of a husband who wronged her numerous times and a slap to the face of the man who went to bat for her. I even had to look at my phone to see if the text really did come from her. He wasn¡¯t a monster in the sense he was good to his kids, but don¡¯t tell me he wasn¡¯t a monster because his actions, his acts of disloyalty that led her to fall in love with me, even knowingly misrepresent herself in order to coax me into falling in love with her, was all the evidence in the world to know he was indeed a monster. And to my love starved heart, I was easy prey as I suddenly felt like a victim of her love. I knew Anya didn¡¯t want to hurt anyone, but if she had to hurt someone, it would be the one person who stood up for her, the one who fought for her, the one who gave her happiness, her ¡°best friend¡±, the man she loved; me.
The rest of the day I decided not to text her as I was so distraught over her defense of Jackson. Not two days ago she came over my apartment, gave me the greatest day of my life, and now she didn¡¯t want me to think Jackson, the man who murdered her heart, was a monster. I didn¡¯t get her politics, and that¡¯s what this was; politics. Just like a politician; she told people what they wanted to hear, and never what they needed to hear, to get a vote. How could she bring me this close to her for fourteen months, acts that she knew would only hurt him, and now didn¡¯t want to hurt anyone? It¡¯s not like I wanted her to hurt anyone, but did she think the things she did wouldn¡¯t hurt anyone all because they didn¡¯t know about them? I felt like she pulled a bait and switch technique on me, like a corrupt salesperson would do, as now if I wanted to be with her, I would also in essence be in support of her hurting people. I walked away to avoid hurting anyone, including Jackson, but in the very beginning, Anya convinced me that wouldn¡¯t be an issue as she shared with me all the pain, he brought upon her. So much pain, it led her to me. I asked her why she was there and not once did she tell me ¡°because I don¡¯t want to hurt anyone.¡± but rather ¡°it¡¯s because I have baggage.¡± Did she think I would have pursued her if she feared she would hurt someone? Why would I want to hurt people? Why would I have wanted to put her in that position? She had five whole months to consider that she didn¡¯t want to hurt anyone before we reconnected. I trusted this wouldn¡¯t hurt anyone because she convinced me of that. She sold me on the fact he didn¡¯t love her. She never told him ¡°I love you¡± and never kissed him back were her selling points to me. I mean, did she think those things didn¡¯t hurt him? Now, she suddenly cared about his feelings? What alternate universe did she think she lived in?
In the very beginning, I told her I was not in her life to fill a void. It was why I walked away from her, not because I didn¡¯t care for her. She told me if I swept her off her feet, she would be with me, and she told me I did that ten months ago. I didn¡¯t want to get upset with her and blow our house down with an overreaction, but this was a major contradiction I couldn¡¯t ignore. After her text, I had to learn what truly kept her there. I needed to know the truth as to why she refused to even make a promise after all we¡¯ve shared to make me feel safe. I deserved an honest explanation why she chose to be dishonest after I gave her the path, she claimed she wanted to take, that no one would give to her because she had baggage. As sad as it sounded, I needed to know if she truly loved me.
When the next morning arrived, she texted me.
ANYA: ¡°Good morning.¡±
Just three days prior, she showed me so much love but now stonewalled me; a seven twenty turn. Now, I believed the end of the road was here after her defense of Jackson brought me to a surprise crossroad. Anya had to leave Jackson in order for us to be together, and if that entailed hurting him, and she didn¡¯t want to hurt anyone, then she misrepresented herself to me from the very beginning. So much so I never had a real chance, and there could be nothing more wrong to allow and encourage someone to fall deeply in love with her, to be faced with what I faced now. On top of all the things I faced and bit the bullet on just for her happiness. I couldn¡¯t allow her to defend him and if that was her plan, then I had to learn the hard truth about her true feelings for him, and me and find some way to move on. When I received her bland ¡°good morning¡± text with no exclamation point, more fear consumed me as something seemed amiss.
ME: ¡°What¡¯s wrong?¡±
After I sent my query, I didn¡¯t hear back from her for over an hour, and when I did, it didn¡¯t make me feel any better.
ANYA: ¡°In the office. Can¡¯t talk. Clients coming in.¡±
ME: ¡°Ok. Talk later.¡±
On the same day we reconnected fourteen months earlier, I could no longer shake her contradictive behavior at a time she did the most beautiful things for me. I felt bipolar as I went from extreme highs to extreme lows, but along with it also came the fear I was wrong to feel this way. Wrong to question her true intentions. Wrong to question her love, but many things led me to my conclusions. The additional holiday plans she made even after we became so close. Her trip to Mammoth with the girls as if she were single. Now came a misrepresentation all its own in, ¡°I don¡¯t want you think he¡¯s a monster¡± and ¡°I don¡¯t want to hurt anyone¡±. Her words even brought me back to the movie theater when I showed up unexpectedly and it didn¡¯t feel right to her because what if ¡°someone else¡± wanted to tag along because she wasn¡¯t a ¡°mean person¡±. The only way it couldn¡¯t feel right to me, is if I hid something from her I didn¡¯t want her to know or see. Even though I had my doubts before, for the first time, something about her love for me didn¡¯t feel right at all.
Later that afternoon, Anya initiated contact.
ANYA: ¡°We just had a come to Jesus meeting at the office about corporate cuts. Rude awakening for all. Not a good day.¡±
ME: ¡°Sorry to hear that. Does the company plan to downsize?¡±
ANYA: ¡°Hard to predict. We¡¯ll see. Sorry to be talking about it. I need to turn it off for now.¡±
Anya worked for Jackson, the person she now suddenly didn¡¯t want to hurt, so I honestly didn¡¯t know what to make from what she shared with me. Did she fear if her position was cut, and since she didn¡¯t get her own office that she would be stuck with him for good because she¡¯d no longer have any income? I knew the fact her made her work was a problem she had with him so if that changed, was this why he was no longer a monster to her? It annoyed me she lost sleep over her husband¡¯s business, but then again it certainly affected her kids, and from that perspective, I understood Anya¡¯s concern. But I was caught in the Jackson vortex now, and I couldn¡¯t pull out of it as it pulled me under as anything she did for him, even as an employee, submerged me even more.
Then, Anya surprised me with a text I didn¡¯t expect.
ANYA: ¡°Happy 14 months.¡±
ME: ¡°Happy 14 months.¡±
I interpreted her text as her acknowledgement we were together, and not broken up after her visit a few days earlier. As sweet as her text appeared though, it also had another chance to be a political maneuver. I couldn¡¯t understand how she could love me so much, be so sweet to me, then tell me she didn¡¯t want me to think Jackson was a monster. After her text, she surprised me once more and asked me to call her and unfortunately, I obliged. Something I should¡¯ve never done while I struggled to understand her defense of her abusive husband.
¡°Hi babe. How are you?¡± she asked upon pickup.
¡°I¡¯m hanging in there, babe. How are you?¡± I asked reluctantly. ¡°Sorry to hear about the corporate cuts.¡±
¡°Yes. It¡¯s hard. There were a lot of people crying today.¡± she elaborated. ¡°They¡¯ve been with us for so long. It was just so hard.¡±
¡°I¡¯m sorry to hear that. I could imagine how hard that would be.¡± I said. ¡°There may be a reason for this though.¡±
¡°What do you think the reason is?¡± she asked softly.
¡°Maybe this may make it easier for you to make a decision about us.¡± I said as the confusion I felt carried over.
¡°What do you mean?¡±
¡°Well, I guess I can imagine it might be a little easier to leave now.¡±
¡°How so? How could it be easier?¡±
¡°Just because you know¡the employees are losing their jobs because of the economy¡¡± I said. ¡°And not because of you leaving your husband.¡±
¡°You don¡¯t understand my position.¡± she stated coldly.
¡°What position is that?¡± I returned.
¡°The position with my kids, Landyn.¡±
One of her concerns was how her employees would be affected if she were to leave Jackson. Now, with corporate cuts, she wouldn¡¯t be responsible at all if she left Jackson, but rather the softening economy. Anya, unfortunately didn¡¯t seem to share my optimism consistent with trusting in our love, and that rattled me deeply.
¡°How could you say I don¡¯t understand your position with the kids, babe?¡± I asked. ¡°Isn¡¯t the fact I¡¯m still here fourteen months later all the evidence in the world that I do? I¡¯ve shown you nothing but patience and understanding, but to be honest, after all we¡¯ve shared together, after just the other day alone, I am starting to understand less and less why you are still undecided.¡±
¡°Why are you understanding less and less?¡± she asked in a terse tone.
¡°It¡¯s like you don¡¯t pay attention to the opportunities to leave, and you only find more reasons to stay.¡± I said. ¡°After all we¡¯ve shared do you expect me to be supportive of you staying? After all you¡¯ve allowed and encouraged me to feel? After I walked away from us the first time we met? Is your love for me solely based on the condition of me understanding your position with the kids?¡±
¡°No.¡± she said decisively. ¡°but I would think your love would.¡±
¡°I¡¯ve done nothing but prove my love for the last fourteen months Anya. I¡¯ve never broken up with you. I¡¯ve fought hard every second of the day to understand your position with the kids, and If I didn¡¯t understand your position, I would be constantly pressuring you.¡±
¡°Like what you¡¯re doing now?¡±
¡°This pressure is for the same reason you gave me when you first approached me at Sonomas.¡±
¡°And what reason was that?¡±
¡°Because you couldn¡¯t help it.¡± I said ¡°Now I can¡¯t help it either, babe. I love you, and after you gave me the greatest day of my entire life. I can¡¯t help it as much as you could the night you approached me.¡±
¡°Why are you punishing me for loving you?¡± she shot.
I didn¡¯t know what to say. She felt I punished her for wanting her to be with me? Her words left me in complete disarray as I tried to gather my thoughts for a response.
¡°Punishing you? Babe, I love you! By loving you, I¡¯m punishing you?¡± I asked incredulously. ¡°If anything, I feel punished because I don¡¯t understand how you could bring me so close without at least a promise to be with me one day. I can¡¯t understand how that¡¯s possible. You punish me every time you pit me against the kids. Why would you share their lives with me, allow me to love one day to meet them, to only pit them against me? Against us? Against your well being and happiness? I¡¯m sorry but after all we¡¯ve shared. I don¡¯t understand how you could do that. How you could make it me or them, instead of me and them unless there is something you¡¯re not telling me. It¡¯s not right babe. How could you expect me to understand your position when you¡¯re not even willing to understand mine?¡±
¡°I got to go.¡± she said. ¡°I can¡¯t have this conversation right now.¡±
¡°I¡¯m sorry. I don¡¯t mean to cause you any distress, but it¡¯s how I feel, and I want to be honest with you about it.¡± I stated. ¡°I don¡¯t think it¡¯s fair that you can love me as much as you want and whenever I love you back, you tell me I don¡¯t understand. Don¡¯t you think maybe I¡¯m the one being punished here, and not so much the other way around?¡±
¡°Goodbye, Landyn. I gotta go.¡±
Before I could say ¡°goodbye¡± all I heard was a click as the day of our fourteen month milestone was also the first time she ever hung up on me. I put my head in unsteady hands and pushed the phone down on the same countertop we shared the best meal I ever had made for me just days earlier as the silence of the four walls of my apartments seemed louder than ever. I paced for a few minutes before I picked up the phone and called her back¡but it went to voicemail. In lieu of a voice message, I decided to text her an apology instead, but I never heard a word back, as if my words, my thoughts, my feelings, all she encouraged and allowed me to have, were lost. I then sat down in my rarely used recliner and as I rocked back and forth, I imagined life without her. And when fear went from my mind to my stomach, I rushed to the bathroom to empty it. The psychological and physiological toll of my relationship with Anya now started to bubble at the surface, like a dormant volcano before an eruption, as I knew my focus at work, something I needed to have during busy season, would be impossible to find the following today.
I began to fear I did punish her unjustly as I surely created a distraction for her at home as my feelings erupted on the phone. I hated to put her in that position if her kids were near, and that position of hers I truly did understand and wanted to. I loved her dearly and the last thing I wanted to do was give her grief or to have her kids see tears in the eyes of their mother. After all the love she showed me just days earlier, it wasn¡¯t fair to steal her happiness away from her as well, the thing that probably got her through the day; the very thing that didn¡¯t make her hate her life. In that sense, I could see how my words punished her as it broke my heart to think of her struggle at home because of what I communicated.
As lonely it was at my apartment and how loud the silence was, I had it easier than she did at these times. At least I could write in my journal to vent while she had to hide the pain inside, and in that sense, I failed her whenever I broke down as she felt punished because my feelings damned her to a life of sadness. After she did something for me that made me extremely happy. I had no control at times of the pain that swept over me. I hated to admit it, but I hurt so badly now and I wanted to love her on my terms too; not just her own. I couldn¡¯t tell the world what she meant to me and it not only wore me down, but it tore me apart. It amazed me how a woman could give me the highest sense of self-esteem yet at the same time, leave me with less than none. Especially when I not only believed in her love for me over the last fourteen months, but trusted it completely. And that¡¯s what scared me more than a demon¡¯s face in the middle of the night, that she never knew what love was, what it truly meant and all it stood for.
I looked fine on the outside but inside I felt broken and homeless. When she didn¡¯t want me to think Jackson was a monster, she in essence put a chain around my neck and left this dog to die. Her sentiments that she didn¡¯t want to hurt anyone and she didn¡¯t think I understood were meant to hogtie and handcuff a man she called her hero. It seemed the woman who wanted to be with me, who hoped, wished and dreamt about it, could find a no reasons to leave Jackson for me. She seemed to talk herself out of it each and every time Despite all of the beautiful days we shared, she talked herself out of what she wanted even when the opportunities presented themselves. In her heart it wasn¡¯t a sin to love me, but a sin to be with me regardless of the acts of love she encouraged and allowed for over a year.
The longer my phone remained motionless, the more emotions filled me, until I needed to release them before they drowned me. If this was now a choice between flight or fight, I opted to fight because I really had no choice left as I tried to break through all she cuffed me with.
ME: ¡°You want me to understand your position, but have you really ever tried to understand mine? Babe, leaving me and abandoning me with all these feelings is not understanding my position. Should I have understood your position and only wanted a fling with you? Should I have understood your position and just not put my heart and soul into loving you at all? Should I have understood your position and not taken us seriously? Would that have been understanding your position? Is that understanding your position all because you have kids? Kids that were presented to me as baggage by another man and the only reason you were still married when we first met? You¡¯re basically telling me that parents with kids never divorce. Especially those who fall in love with other people. You told me I¡¯m ¡°punishing¡± you all because I want to be with you but how is that punishing you if you want to be with me? You¡¯ve changed me forever. Your love is embedded deep inside me. I¡¯ll never be the same man again. I walk this world a stranger to my own self now. Everytime I listen to music, I think of you. Everytime I read a book, I think of you. Everytime it rains, I think of you. Everytime I eat a banana with almonds in the morning, I think of you. Everytime I put a thought to doc, I think of you. Everytime I go to the gym, I think of you. Everytime I lie in my bed, I think of you. Everytime I light a candle, I think of you. I can¡¯t believe I would ever say this to anyone, but don¡¯t u feel the slightest sense of an obligation, after all we¡¯ve shared, to at least find a way for us to be together, or is that solely up to me? You may not be free to love me, but since your husband already knows about me, in essence, I¡¯m now free to love you. I know it¡¯s not him versus me, but I don¡¯t like what he¡¯s done to the mother of his children, the woman I love, to be where we both are today.¡±
In my book, he was a monster. His mistreatment of her feelings and emotions led her to me. I made it clear in the beginning, I didn¡¯t fall in love with her just to fill a void. She had to go to bat for us. She couldn¡¯t run when the going got tough because she wasn¡¯t the only person in this now; I was too. If she didn¡¯t want to hurt anyone, why did she seem to choose the man she loved to hurt the most? The one who fought for her every second of every day since we reconnected. Why was the man who gave her hope the one she punished?
It felt like I was losing her forever, and I couldn¡¯t stomach the thought she didn¡¯t want me to think he was a monster, when it was simply the truth about him. She also tried to take away the reason I chose to be in this relationship in the first place. I couldn¡¯t accept she suddenly didn¡¯t want to hurt anyone after she allowed me to be here. She basically implied that it was I who wanted to hurt people which was entirely untrue when I trusted her to do the right thing and come clean. More than anything it broke my heart I couldn¡¯t return the love she showed me a couple of days ago. I had to come to terms that I reached my breaking point, as it disgusted me that she remained to be Mrs. Jackson Caiaphas. I didn¡¯t care who he was, after all we¡¯ve shared, after all the love she gave me two days earlier, I didn¡¯t want him to try and kiss her passionately ever again. I didn¡¯t want to endure another Valentine¡¯s Day with them together. I didn¡¯t want to her to share a bed with him even if she slept on the far side of it. I knew my heart could never withstand another trip to Europe with him. I simply wasn¡¯t strong enough for this relationship anymore because I loved her too much now to pretend, I was fine with the current arrangement. If she were to fight me, on any of this, then how could she possibly know what love was, yet believe in it? Even though I believed she loved me, I had to challenge what love meant to her, and this would tell me the truth. She knew, from the very first time we met what I experienced with her now was all I ever feared, and the only reason I left her alone in a bar on our first date.
You might be reading a stolen copy. Visit Royal Road for the authentic version.
The next morning, the light on my phone blinked incessantly, and after the text I sent, I feared to stop it, but I knew it only delayed the inevitable.
ANYA: ¡°I want to take a break. Not b/c I don¡¯t love u, can¡¯t handle the pressure.¡±
I walked away from my phone as if it were a leper to her, and showered before I responded to suppress the heavy emotions. Where did she think loving me as much as she did would lead us to? How could she read that text, one I felt made a ton of sense, and come to the conclusion the only solution was to punish me? As much as her words hurt, I could see also see her side as I didn¡¯t know if I failed her or if she failed me. How could she ever assume anyone, man or woman, would be willing to fall deeply in love with someone who shared their bed with another? How could she not be prepared in any way to leave especially when she knew I walked away before? What would make her believe any man would be understanding, even regardless of the kids after all the love she showed and shared? If she stayed with Jackson now, it would be the ultimate tragedy. And if I knew that much, so did the Universe. When I returned back to my room after my shower, still unsure how to respond, she sent me another text.
ANYA: ¡°I know you¡¯re hurting. I¡¯m sorry¡I¡¯m thinking of you.¡±
For a woman who claimed she felt all the same things I did, how come she wasn¡¯t hurting? And regardless of my pain, one she knew of, her only solution was to take a break and leave me more in pieces? After fourteen months of a love I initially walked away from, this was her only solution? For the first time, I truly lost belief not only in her love for me, but love in general. How could she expect understanding from me yet not understand why I struggled so much? How did her love morph into only my understanding of her, which I patiently did for fourteen months, without her understanding of me?
ME: ¡°Where¡¯s the pressure when you dream and want to be with me¡±
ANYA: ¡°Pressure to be someone I can¡¯t be for you right now.¡±
She encouraged and allowed me to feel deeply for her that it literally killed me every day for the last fourteen months yet she couldn¡¯t at least make me a promise to leave one day? I didn¡¯t ask her to run away, all she had to do was make me a promise. Something to make me feel safe, but instead all I received was a bait and switch as she went from all these monstrous things she told me about her husband to her not wanting me to think he was a ¡°monster¡±.
After I read her text, I tried to understand her a little better because I didn¡¯t want to lose her when I needed her more than ever. It was possible I failed to get my point across to her. Maybe I wasn¡¯t being fair to her?
ME: ¡°I know you love me. I can understand you don¡¯t want to hurt the kids. I totally get that. What I struggle with is this. What happens the next time he tries to passionately kiss you? What will he do if you refuse his advances again? To imagine you having any intimacy with him after all we¡¯ve shared just hurts me like crazy now. I don¡¯t want you away from the kids. I just want you away from him, especially after all we¡¯ve shared and all you did for me on Tuesday. I remember the other day you compared ¡°sex¡± to the white truffle. I know you didn¡¯t mean anything by it, but I even struggle with that because you told me you only have ¡°sex¡± with him. It leaves me to wonder sometimes if you¡¯re there solely for the kids.¡±
ANYA: ¡°Ok the white truffle thing was just a figure of speech and it was a joke. You need to drop that cuz it¡¯s so ridiculous. I¡¯m not even going to address it.¡±
Even I felt it seemed pretty ridiculous too, her ¡°you need to drop it¡± and ¡°I¡¯m not even going to address it¡± didn¡¯t seem to carry the love she showed me just days earlier. I don¡¯t what prompted her rude remark simply because I told her I didn¡¯t think she meant anything by it. Again, it showed how it was to be expected I understand her only, and not understand how that could make me feel. If she truly felt her white truffle comparison to sex was playful, then I felt bad for my misinterpretation of it, but again if I made a remark, ridiculous or not, that affected her emotionally, I would always address it simply because it did. This cold side of Anya I witnessed one time seemed to be a masculine side I never knew existed. A side that lacked not only lacked empathy, but also accountability. A side that also belonged to Jackson.
Before I could respond, she sent another text.
ANYA: ¡°There¡¯s no passion and intimacy. I told u it¡¯s not like that. I can¡¯t even remember the last time. Yes, it¡¯s been that long. He will never kiss me passionately!¡±
I found appreciation in her passionate response to never kissing him passionately again as it was consistent with her true feelings for him that led me here.
ANYA: ¡°U told me last night you don¡¯t understand the ¡°kid¡± thing and you never will. That hurt. If you don¡¯t understand and I¡¯m supposed to be what you want me to be right now, it¡¯s not going to work. Sorry.¡±
ME: ¡°Understanding is not a one way street. It¡¯s not that I don¡¯t understand the ¡°kid¡± thing. I do. Again, I wouldn¡¯t have been in your life the last 14 months if I didn¡¯t. The thing I don¡¯t understand is you have brought me closer regardless of the ¡°kid¡± thing, to the point you have to understand how I feel too. It¡¯s not like we haven¡¯t had a relationship and I¡¯m asking you to leave your marriage. I can understand the ¡°kid¡± thing in that sense but not after all we¡¯ve shared. You told me you shared the lives of your kids with me because you wanted to share them with the man you love. Not because it would one day give me pause in wanting you to leave your marriage in fear of hurting them because I knew them so intimately. Can you at least understand the way I feel? It¡¯s not all about me, but it¡¯s not all about you too. It¡¯s about us.¡±
ANYA: ¡°I can appreciate why u feel the way u feel.¡±
The contrast in out text exchange began to stand out as we seemed disconnected, but I couldn¡¯t help myself as I had so much on my mind.
ME: ¡°I¡¯m sorry I hurt you with what I told you last night. I just lost it. My torment has nothing to do with the kids. I don¡¯t mind what you do for them, but the things you do for your husband creates a blur, and sometimes I have a hard time distinguishing between the two. I¡¯m probably wrong most of the time, but I¡¯m also not sure. I see married couples walking and holding hands, kissing and just enjoying each other¡¯s company. I see this through my friends as well. And it makes me sad, not for myself, but for you. You deserve a simple love like that more than anyone. I¡¯ve seen and felt how being in love is important to you. I know what it means to you. So I fight for that not just for myself, but for you. For us. For you to go through all the trouble you did on Tuesday, to make it so special for me, showed me how important being truly loved is important to you. You matter too, and I¡¯m your greatest advocate for that. You don¡¯t just deserve a romantic dinner, but dinners. I fight for that too. I want you to have so much more and I think it¡¯s entirely possible. I just haven¡¯t found a way yet to make your feel less guilty about it. If you were still dating Lance, and I was just a friend who knew, I¡¯d still feel this way.¡±
ANYA: ¡°I don¡¯t think you will ever full understand the ¡°kid¡± thing. Maybe I¡¯m not selfish enough to go after my happiness in fear of hurting them?¡±
After I read this message several times over, I couldn¡¯t believe how she didn¡¯t see the wrong in her words. She was not selfish enough to go after her own happiness after she promised me the night we decided to date that if she fell in love with me, she would be with me? Wasn¡¯t that the selfish act? To take my heart and soul, to break that promise and remain with another? Did she forget the time I almost walked away but she told me ¡°Divorces happened all the time and nothing was impossible¡±? Why didn¡¯t she tell me this the night we first met? Why after she encouraged and allowed me to fall deeply in love with her after I tried to save my heart and soul from this agony when I walked away from her?
ME: ¡°Babe, you¡¯ve already gone after your happiness though. I¡¯m proof of that. You wouldn¡¯t have phoned me to make a date if you never went after your happiness. I exist in your life in a huge way and I¡¯m sorry but no matter what you tell me, to after happiness in life because you want to be truly loved, is not an act of wanting to hurt your kids. You¡¯re right though, I will never fully understand, not only because you brought me into your life, in a huge way, and for all the reasons you know why I am. It doesn¡¯t mean I don¡¯t respect the ¡°kid¡± thing. I know how fragile it is and how you feel about it. I respect you and I love you. The effort to understand will always be there. The thing that upset me last night is it sounded like it should be expected of me to understand, and I felt ¡°sure it is, if we didn¡¯t fall in love with each other and if I wasn¡¯t in your life for the last 14 months in the manner in which I am¡±. I would never put myself above them; ever. And I understand for the most part, but to expect that from me after all the love you had given me even amidst his suspicions and regardless of the situation with the kids that was in place the first night you approached me at Sonomas, circumstances you are far more aware of than I was, just got the best of me. I reacted in a way I didn¡¯t intend to. I love you and I do understand how you feel about your kids. I really do, but your last text makes the assumption I want to hurt them by wanting you to be with me, and that¡¯s not a fair position to put me in. I can¡¯t fully understand nor support it because I am in your life and I know too much. I know the truth. I know your sadness. I know your struggle. I know your pain. I also understand this isn¡¯t their fault and it¡¯s unfair to them, but when is life ever fair to anyone? Do you feel any kind of obligation to teach them about life or keep them contained in a bubble life itself with remove them from one day? Let¡¯s take a look at the situation in the movie ¡°Bridges of Madison County¡±. Good husband. Good father. 4-day love affair and her lover was a traveler. She would have certainly had to leave her kids behind therefore that supported her decision to stay. I¡¯m not a traveler babe. I¡¯m here and there would be minimal if any shake-up at all. Plus, we¡¯ve been together for 14 months, not just 4 days. There is no comparison if you ever feel inclined to draw one between the movie and us. Also, the two partners at my firm both came from divorced families. Today they are not only happily married, but successful as well so it¡¯s hard for me to fully understand the fear because I believe it to be on based on the short-term and not the long-term. They are not going to be kids forever, so I feel they both need to see a healthy marriage so they both can have one someday. I¡¯m sorry, but there are success stories, and that¡¯s how I feel about the ¡°kid¡± thing, and it doesn¡¯t mean I cannot understand it.¡±
After I sent her this text, I never heard back from her for the rest of the day as I guess it was a little truthful for her to handle. Something else kept her there; not solely for the kids. She was right though, I¡¯d never fully understand her position with the kids simply because it was based on a lies, manipulations and falsehoods. I¡¯d never understand because it was never communicated to me as an issue when we began our relationship. A courtship she knew I held strong reservations for because I initially walked away from it. At lastly. I¡¯d never fully understand because she already went after her happiness; the day she decided to start a relationship with me. She seemed to hold the belief that if we ever ended our relationship based on the kids, I could never be hurt by it, and would easily understand since I loved her. The problem was though, something she couldn¡¯t come to terms with, is I never once agreed to be a permanent participant in this dishonest situation. That I would live eventually only in the truth, the way I always lived my life. That this was only temporary until she fell in love with me. What we agreed to the night we made the decision to trust one another. All I wanted from her was nothing less than the truth, and now I wanted to know the real reason she couldn¡¯t decide whether or not to leave Jackson. The kids were a part of it, but not all of it. She went after her happiness well over a year ago, and she already proved she would regardless of the kids even before she met me, so what was the real reason behind her indecision? If she still loved Jackson, in any way, enough for him to suddenly be deemed not a ¡°monster¡±, I needed to know. If that¡¯s what it took, I needed her to rip my heart out of my chest. Anya feared the truth in her life, but I bathed myself in it. Even if it meant my destruction, it also was tied to my survival, and I needed to know so I had a chance to fight off the seduction of a marine green bridge.
Was it her image? Was it his money? What did she really think of me? What kind of judgments did she pass upon me to feel I wasn¡¯t good enough? What made this ¡°true love¡± in her eyes? She couldn¡¯t play politics with me, with a need to say anything for personal gain. She had to ditch the need to tell people only the things they wanted to hear and not the things they needed to hear. The navigation of day to day life could be political, but love should never be, and I refused to be a victim of her politics. I only wanted to be part of a world of truth again, but I needed to know the truth behind why she refused to join me as I just wasn¡¯t sold on ¡°the kids¡± being the only reason anymore.
When I didn¡¯t hear back from Anya after I poured out my heart and soul to her, and greatly hurt by her disappearance, I waited until it was late when her phone was likely off, and texted her again.
ME: ¡°What is so selfish about being happy again because your husband cheated on you and disrespected you? Is it all about money and social status? Is that why you still carry his last name and wear his ring? I guess I¡¯m learning if you have money, it¡¯s ok to cheat on your wife and even be protected. I have to be honest. I¡¯m really upset by the fact you told me he cheated on you but all your friends think he¡¯s a saint and you¡¯re so lucky to have him. Don¡¯t you think you should be standing up for me, not running from me? I¡¯ve done nothing but show you love by completely opening my heart to you. So, the only way we can be together is (a) he cheats on you again or (b) you receive permission from your kids to divorce him? How can you allow me to fall so in love with you if this is what needs to happen? Do you have any respect for my heart at all?¡±
I knew my text would create a firestorm as I instantly felt regret after I sent it, but her silence drove me crazy, especially after all we shared just a few days prior. I tried to check my emotions and then felt bad for her and sent another text at fifteen minutes past two in the morning to try and soften the blow, but soon realized the pain and injustice I felt made it impossible.
ME: ¡°I¡¯m sorry. I am just having the hardest time right now. I waited 38 years to feel what I did with you on Tuesday. 38 years. I think you¡¯re right. I am crazy. Here I am struggling and where r u? Lying next to him. Your life not missing a beat. You want to be with me and dream of being with me, but it now seems you just never had any true intentions of being with me. I can¡¯t believe this fear of hurting your kids existed after you chose to go after your happiness. It had to exist when we first met and you hid it from me. I should have known though. I feel so stupid. I don¡¯t want your life to miss a beat, but it¡¯s not fair mine has to.¡±
I tried to soften the blow from my first text, but the more I wanted to dwell in the truth, the more I was torn into pieces by emotions. I had zero previous experience with this absolute helplessness as I could no longer hold back all I kept from her. Fourteen months later, for her to tell me I didn¡¯t understand the ¡°kid¡± thing, and to say she feared to go after her happiness, after something she already did when I gave up my own happiness for her, was wrong of her to do. I wasn¡¯t a superhero and my needs should matter too because as it stood, she felt the choices she made represented a sole sacrifice. The fact her decision excluded me from the equation, the man she loved, killed me as it carried a complete denial the reason I existed in her life. In my mind, the only way she could ever make such a sacrifice to stay for the sake of the kids, is if she still loved her husband, or he gave her the free rein to love life as a single person because marriages were unrealistic anyway. The all girls trip to Mammoth only brought to life this fear, and what real incentive did she ever have to leave her marriage when Jackson allowed her to live the life of a single person? Was this the real reason why Anya, Debbie and Carolyn stayed in their marriages? That some sort of arrangement was reached between them all that kept the face of their marriages intact as long as they didn¡¯t fall in love with another man? Then when a guy like me, apparently a rarity, comes into their life with nothing but a pure heart to challenge their accord, to love them deeply enough only to get treated even worse than the men who dishonored and disrespected them did? All because the money they possessed allowed them to live the life they did? If Anya could love someone so deeply as she loved me and had no problem at all to find justification in a situation that always existed to abandon them, then how could this scenario not be a plausible one?
I couldn¡¯t believe the mess I now found myself in, as her love for thrusted me from hero to homewrecker, all because I wanted her to be with me. The one who claimed she wanted to be with me too. I felt crazy to question her love and her intentions, but her absolute silence didn¡¯t do anything quell the storm within me.
When I woke up the next morning, the first day of February, I dreaded her response as I feared it would only inspire more of a reaction from me.
ANYA: ¡°I hope you know you¡¯re chasing me away with all the mean things you¡¯re saying to me. I¡¯ve told you nothing but the truth from the beginning.¡±
When I read the first sentence, I felt remorse however it reminded me that she lacked any understanding, something she demanded from me. Wasn¡¯t sexual acts she still did with her husband, after all we¡¯ve shared and after she encouraged me to be in life after all the horrific things she told me of him, being mean to me? This only provided more evidence why I felt she denied my existence in her life, and if she didn¡¯t want to hurt anyone, wouldn¡¯t she passionately kiss him if he wanted her to?
It wasn¡¯t her first statement that bothered me though, but rather the second one she made. Did she honestly believe she told me nothing but the truth in the beginning all because she told me she was married? Something she was basically forced by my friend, Mitch to do? She never told me about her life and all I¡¯d have to endure. She never told me about the client dinners, the girl get togethers, the spills, the neighbor parties, the birthday parties, the kids parties, the family trips, the ¡°business¡± trips to Europe, the volunteering, the social events, the girl trips, and that I would only see her when she could fit me in. She never told me this relationship would be solely on her terms and not mine, yet I had no right to question her intentions? She never once told me, in the beginning, it would be up to me to take days and lunches off from work just to see the woman who loved me. I had no idea I would see and spend time with the one who loved me so much to what equated to seventeen percent of the entire year. She never told me a single thing of all I painfully learned, that she knew from the very beginning. I only knew what I became nauseous enough to ask about, and that¡¯s the only time I got the truth. The things she could no longer hide from me. And here laid another of her great contradictions; if she went through that much trouble just to have happiness in her life, then why did she continue to ignore the truth and not decide to be with me? The only way I could make any sense of that was that she loved someone else too, the man who led her to me.
Fourteen painful months later, I began to see all I truly did was fill the void; the love she no longer had with her husband. Even after all the things he did and said to her that dishonored her. After all the broken vows even at the time she needed him the most, and after all the love he chipped away from her heart, I was the one she would ultimately punish for his crimes against her heart. That Landyn was the ¡°monster¡± and not Jackson because he provided safety and funded the dreams of her children. She stayed for the kids, and she always did because he funded their lives and so marriages were unrealistic anyway. And if marriages were unrealistic, then a love that lasted forever were as realistic as her words ¡°I love you forever¡± were. All I learned the day before were all things she should have shared the night we decided to give love a chance over a year ago. She told me nothing close to the truth from the beginning, only the things she could not hide from me, like the ring on her finger. In the beginning, I only heard ¡°my husband has cheated on me four times¡± but not once did I hear ¡°but I am willing to accept my marriage because of the kids.¡±. And that was why I would never fully understand the ¡°kid¡± thing. It was because of what she chose to share with me in the beginning, and her more than conscious choice to encourage and allow me to love her. All of these things, she now was more than willing to share, only came after she hooked me, and now she wanted to throw me back into waters that would never allow me to be the same fish again.
In the beginning, she also told me she never kissed her husband. Now if she never kissed her own husband, how could she ever expect me to believe she didn¡¯t resent him enough to sleep with him? If there was zero transparency to the intimacy she shared with him then how could I ever interpret this lack of intimacy wasn¡¯t really due to a lack of privacy because of the kids and not because of any resentment she still had for him? Our relationship alone should have provided enough evidence of her resentment for him, but why did she fight so hard to find excuses to stay if being with me was where she truly wanted to be? Even though I found her response repulsive, I decided not to respond as I gathered my thoughts before I said anymore ¡°mean¡± things to her. But as much as I felt wronged, I held out hope we could get past this as I knew what the end of this relationship represented to me. The end of my trust and belief in love.
On the afternoon of one of the longest days I ever endured, and as I failed to shake off my emotions, she sent me a text.
ANYA: ¡°I really miss u.¡±
Her text soothed my soul, but it suddenly felt like I needed her more than she needed me. I couldn¡¯t be a part of her life unless she truly wanted to be with me; that she truly believed in our love. I couldn¡¯t lie to myself. I couldn¡¯t ask Anya to be true to herself and not ask myself to do the same. I refused to live in a world of denial. In a world our love didn¡¯t exist in. I simply could not do what she seemed able to do. She asked me to fight for her, and that¡¯s what she received, even if it meant she had to hear things she perceived as ¡°mean¡±, but she would not be spared by the truth.
Through all our recent turmoil, I forgot she had a race on this day. She texted to ask me if I could check her time, so I visited the race¡¯s website and gave her the news.
ANYA: ¡°2:17? Wow! Thx! Not bad for a cripple! We walked through every H2O station and even had a bathroom stop. Carolyn and I were laughing cuz we haven¡¯t trained long distance. Last time we ran 13.2 was back in October! Cool!¡±
ME: ¡°That¡¯s an awesome time babe, and even a good marathon pace. Happy for you.¡±
Even through my emotional and mental anguish, it was impossible not to root for her; a habit now because I loved her. My struggle was trying to make her see my struggle as well. To make this about both of us, and not about either one of us. This reprieve was nice, but why did she seem to think she deserved brownie points for telling me she was married in the beginning? Something she was pretty much forced into doing? If she couldn¡¯t help wanting to fall in love with someone else that much, hadn¡¯t her decision already been made? If she had no real intentions of ever being with me, then the reality appeared to be the longer I stayed, the more I would be hurt. I really didn¡¯t need another lesson in life to learn how little women truly respected my heart, but yet I guess I should be thankful for the gift of life? Well, if this was life, I didn¡¯t want it. I wanted no false hope, and would no longer believe in love, in its magic or its power. If financial resources is what inspired women to love men, even the faithless, enough to be and stay with them, then that was the reality of my dilemma. I began to see a harsh truth about love. That I gave my heart and soul to a woman who deleted my texts on a daily basis; an undeniable sign of a woman who didn¡¯t plan to take a chance with me. And the irony of it all, with all the love that swelled inside me, I began to lose faith in love. Every woman I ever met, even the ones who wanted to only be with me, were apparently all the same; all willing to receive but never willing to give. I thought Anya was different. I thought she would do the right thing. To understand why I was in her life, but with every day that passed, the only right thing she felt to do, was to live the same dishonest life before we met and to find more ways to keep living that way, even for the rest of her life if she had to. Even as I went to bat for her, even after I took a huge leap of faith simply because I trusted her, something for some reason she chose to never understand as she asked for my understanding.
I began to see how this relationship was all about her, and never about me, but it needed to be about us in order to survive. The longer she refused to pursue a life of truth, the more her beauty had to die. The truth was, if she stayed after all we shared, regardless of her children, she could be no better than Jackson, the husband who mutilated her soul with his infidelities. She lived a life I could never understand. A life of apparent entitlements, so much so, she even felt entitled to my heart, something she discarded without conscience if an ache ever showed. If she planned to stay for any reason at this point, after all I gave, and after she told me if she fell in love with me that she would be with me, our relationship was never consensual. She was only truthful in the beginning, when she told me her husband cheated on her four times, but not one time did I ever hear the real truth from her until after I fell deeply; that she was willing to accept it and like all mothers would be willing to sacrifice her happiness for her kids. Instead she allowed another to fall in love deeply in love with her, and that¡¯s where the true sacrifice had to be made. She never told me the truth until after she secured my love for her. After she satisfied her ego and secured my love enough to know it would be nearly impossible for me to turn away. And for her to take any kind of break from me, from our love, at this point, was not an act of love.
I felt it was important to love yourself, but she led me to believe she loved me more than she loved herself, the same way I felt about her. There was no one, not a single person on this earth who wanted her to have love more than I did, but if she believed she¡¯d be unhappy either way, another thing she failed to communicate to me, then all I did was take time away from her. She had to take a huge step forward, consistent with the love she already showed me, but she didn¡¯t seem willing to do so. And if she couldn¡¯t be the person, I needed her to be right now, what hope did I have she would ever be that person? I only fooled myself to believe otherwise.
Anya told me she ¡°risked everything¡± to be with me, but if her husband was actually going to give her an option, did she ever risk a single thing? Even in the face of known and unknown indecencies of her husband, she still seemed to believe in Jackson¡¯s love for her, enough to not want to hurt him, and that¡¯s what maddened me after this huge leap of faith she allowed me to take for her.
After another night of total silence, a whale of emotions swallowed me whole, as I forgot the next day was the second one in the month of February, my birthday. And I found it ironic that the date of my birth felt like the first day of my death as everything I held dear over the last fourteen months seemed to be a misrepresentation.
ANYA: ¡°Good morning. A very Happy birthday to you! As much as I want to see you, Idk if it¡¯s a good idea. Since things haven¡¯t changed it will be another emotional letdown.¡±
After I digested her text, it left me nauseous. If a woman truly loved me, shouldn¡¯t she be afraid of an emotional letdown as well? Why did it seem I was the only one left to experience and emotional letdown? Although her happy birthday text was sweet, it was impossible not to notice the schism between my ¡°happy birthday¡± texts to her that came at midnight while hers came when it was most convenient to send. I appreciated the gesture, and she didn¡¯t have to do it at all after all she did for me days earlier, but I had to be honest with myself. The truth was right in front of my face about her love, and I had to face it. I couldn¡¯t live in a fake world like she did, a world she lived in long before I met her. A world she promised to destroy if she fell in love with me.
ME: ¡°Thank you. I totally understand and agree with you.¡±
ANYA: ¡°I don¡¯t want to keep hurting you.¡±
ME: ¡°I know.¡±
Anya didn¡¯t seem to understand, no matter what she did now after she allowed me to feel so much for her, that she hurt me every single day she stayed married to Jackson. She needed to understand she couldn¡¯t pull the trigger on someone then say ¡°I¡¯m sorry¡± afterwards, but I also know she cared.
ANYA: ¡°I love u, u know. And I always will.¡±
ME: ¡°I understand babe, but when you choose to leave me, then it¡¯s impossible for me to trust that.¡±
ANYA: ¡°I can¡¯t be that person right now so where does that leave us?¡±
ME: ¡°Is it too much to ask for you to leave your husband?¡±
ANYA: ¡°No.¡±
ME: ¡°Would the two scenarios I presented to you the other night have to take place in order for us to be together?¡±
ANYA: ¡°Idk babe.¡±
ME: ¡°Would you be unhappier with me than to not be with me?¡±
ANYA: ¡°No.¡±
ME: ¡°Do you ever plan on being with me?¡±
ANYA: ¡°I hoped so.¡±
At the time of my greatest doubt, her responses meant everything, as I wished she was in my arms after she texted ¡°I hoped so¡±, but I couldn¡¯t ignore its past tense. I saw why she felt my emotions punished her at times, and how my past may have distorted the truth. If she truly hoped to be with me, she couldn¡¯t have viewed it as her kids versus me or us as she also hoped to no longer be married to a deceitful partner in life. Her responses no longer told me she wanted a break, but rather she needed just a little more time to figure out how this can be done with the least amount of collateral damage done as possible. And like I always did when she hit me this hard with her sadness, I felt bad to question her intentions. Everything was now more than it¡¯s ever been, and not just my feelings for her. My arguments against staying for the kids. My disdain for her husband. My life and death situation I personally faced. The love I felt was no joke. I never wanted to feel love just for the sake to feel love. I needed to know she needed me as much as I needed her. That these emotions were all real. That she knew this was a real leap of faith I took for her, only taken so high because I trusted her that much. And how I¡¯d never feel the same way about love again, because of the manner in which she chose to love me. After her ¡°I hoped so¡± text, I responded in trust.
ME: ¡°Ok.¡±
ANYA: ¡°What does that mean? You¡¯re going to go formulate your own story and conclusion?¡±
I started to laugh when I read her text as I¡¯m sure my simple yet sincere text felt like anything but to her. That I would choose to formulate my own story and conclusions based on the unknown variable when we were apart, to further punish her. Then again, maybe she could just come clean without me ever having to ask about things? To just tell me about all the times she hurt me, rather than leave me to my own devices in wonder? If she eliminated the unknown from the equation, it left no story or conclusions for me to formulate.
ME: ¡°It means I put my faith in your ¡°I hoped so¡± text. It sounds like you truly do want to find a way to make this work.¡±
ANYA: ¡°I hoped so. I told u I couldn¡¯t promise you anything from the beginning.¡±
When I read this text, she threatened to ruin a good moment for me as I had to make it known that wasn¡¯t entirely true.
ME: ¡°That¡¯s a half truth babe. Yes, you did tell me you couldn¡¯t promise me anything, but that¡¯s why I asked you a follow-up question; ¡°what it would take to get a promise from you¡±? And you told me ¡°You would need to sweep me off my feet¡±. Basically, you had to fall in love with me. You told me I did that almost two months later at Sonomas. I also have hundreds of texts to show I¡¯ve swept you off your feet and maybe even more. I¡¯m not trying to argue with you babe, I¡¯m just trying to help you understand why I feel so strongly about our love, and why I chose to believe in it. I think by me walking away the first time, the hardest thing I¡¯ve ever done, is all the proof in the world that if you couldn¡¯t promise me anything, then I wouldn¡¯t have chosen to give us a chance. Sorry.¡±
ANYA: ¡°Idk. I think I need to take a break and think things through. I don¡¯t want to keep doing this.¡±
And just like that, her ¡°I hoped so¡± disappeared in thin air.
ME: ¡°This sure sounds familiar.¡±
ANYA: ¡°Please stop.¡±
ME: ¡°I understand you don¡¯t want to hurt your kids, but could you explain what you think is going to happen to them if you left your husband? I¡¯ve seen people leave their marriages for a lot less than you would, babe. And I don¡¯t see the lives of your kids being destroyed but rather some sense being made out of them.¡±
ANYA: ¡°Ok I hope you know you¡¯re doing it again. I need to come up for air. I can¡¯t handle your pressure and longer. I need to get back to work.¡±
ME: ¡°Again, where is the pressure when you love and want to be with someone? I don¡¯t understand. I¡¯m begging you to please help me to understand.¡±
ANYA: ¡°I don¡¯t want to talk about it anymore. Can¡¯t we just drop it? Can¡¯t we just be happy that we love and have each other for now? I just need a breather.¡±
ME: ¡°You just texted me that you hoped so. You hoped to find a way for us to be together. So why would you need a break? Why would you feel any pressure if that is true?¡±
ANYA: ¡°I hope but you keep pressuring me. I want to take a break.¡±
I no longer knew what she expected. Did she expect me to feel the same for us regardless of feelings that only grew the closer she allowed me to get to her? Did she think she could give me the single greatest day of my life, and just expect me to be fine with no action plan to alter the current arrangement? I needed to see from her a real argument against her marriage, like the one she gave me when she revealed her husband¡¯s infidelities when we first met. I didn¡¯t understand why she felt pressure if she truly wanted to be with me. Not too long ago, she wanted to run to me, and now she wanted to run away from me because I wanted her to be with me, the man she loved? Why couldn¡¯t she withstand the pressure and be inspired to try harder to find a way to make this work, if she truly ¡°hoped so¡±? She should tell me she just needs a little more time not that she needed a break.
I know I hit her with the hard truth, but I refused to live in the same fantasy world she did. All I did was take her half-truths and completed them for her. There should be no argument between us. At the very least, she should seek a separation from Jackson and give me the promise I felt we both equally deserved as I couldn¡¯t be convinced our love would ever hurt her kids, because it was our love that would allow Anya do the things she needed to do. Our love even understood I had to stay out of Jackson¡¯s way as well. Our love respected that Katie and Andrew were not my kids, and I had to give their parents the space to repair their relationships with them. Anya¡¯s statement of ¡°pressure¡± left me to feel like the monster, and not the husband who truly fractured their family. As if I rooted for her kids to feel pain, and to be hurt by merely wanting to be with the person who encouraged me to feel all I did. She suddenly thrusted me into the role of homewrecker and stripped from the role of who brought happiness into her life after her own husband, the real monster, raped it from her.
As I dwelled in a gas chamber of emotions, I received a call from my mother, a call I forgot all about that I usually received every year.
¡°Happy birthday, Honey!¡± she exclaimed loudly when I answered.
¡°Thanks, Mom¡± I said as I tried to hide my disastrous day from her.
¡°I can¡¯t believe I had you thirty-eight years ago!¡± she said. ¡°My Lord how time flies.¡±
¡°It¡¯s hard to believe.¡±
¡°I know you told us you wouldn¡¯t be over to celebrate because of work, but we got you a cake anyway.¡±
¡°Oh mom, you guys shouldn¡¯t have.¡± I said. ¡°Thank you, but I¡¯m on a diet. So I give you permission to eat it all.¡±
¡°Nonsense. It¡¯s your favorite. Chocolate! Mmmm.¡± she said as if she had a few slices already.
¡°it sounds delicious, but I¡¯m really trying to keep an eye on my weight because I¡¯m sitting down so much because of the busy season. I swear it adds up this time of year.¡± I said.
¡°Well, ok honey. We¡¯ll save you some when you come to visit.¡±
¡°I don¡¯t know when that¡¯s going to be though, Mom. It¡¯s a really busy year at the firm this year. New clients. More audits. More hours. It¡¯s really crazy right now.¡±
¡°How¡¯s Anya?¡± she asked surprisingly. ¡°Did you get to spend some time with her on your birthday?¡±
¡°She¡¯s good. She came over on Tuesday and cooked me one of the best meals I¡¯ve ever had.¡±
¡°What did she cook for you?¡±
¡°She prepared a rice dish. It was really delicious. I would seriously eat if every day if I could. It was that good and really sweet.¡±
¡°Oh, did she put a lot of sugar on it?¡±
¡°No, I meant it was really sweet as in it was really thoughtful of her.¡±
¡°Oh, I see! Well, I know how picky you are about food so she must be a great cook!¡±
¡°Everything she¡¯s ever made me, has seriously been some of the best meals I¡¯ve ever had and you know, it¡¯s just really nice of her because I eat out all the time.¡± ¡°It was just really nice to have that. To be able to come home to a really good home cooked meal for once in my life¡and not just an empty apartment.¡± I said as I tried to fight back tears as my need for her felt more real. ¡°When I thought I couldn¡¯t love her more, she does something else I fall in love with. She¡¯s just all heart. She prepared food for me from her heart. Her heart was in everything she did for me on Tuesday. That¡¯s why it tasted like the best meal I¡¯ve ever had.¡±
I didn¡¯t know what to tell my mother as I fought back an onslaught of heavy emotions, as she fought a battle of her own. I felt bad to vanish at a time she needed me, but I didn¡¯t want to burden her about my personal struggles as if they were even on par with her own. After only a month into busy season, I already felt defeated. With the stress of my job, and the fatigue that accompanied it, my emotions were raw and impossible to rein in. My life would be much better with Anya a part of it than not so I believed this emptiness would eventually dissipate. Then give me the burst of energy I needed to be the best version of myself I could be. The version my mother needed me to be during her chemo treatments. But the more I thought about how Katie and Andrew could be hurt if Anya chose to be with me, the more I felt I was up against something I didn¡¯t have a chance at as hopelessness joined my emptiness.
¡°I can¡¯t believe she found the time to do that for you, considering she has two kids at home.¡± she said. ¡°She must really care about you.¡±
¡°That¡¯s not up for debate.¡± I said. ¡°She gave me the perfect day. Now it¡¯s harder than ever to not want those kinds of days more often.¡±
¡°I understand.¡±
¡°I pressured her a little more than I should have, but I felt like where¡¯s the pressure if she wanted to be with me?¡± I revealed. ¡°If she truly loved me?¡±
¡°You have to look at it from a mother¡¯s perspective. It¡¯s not that easy when you have two young kids at home.¡± she said.
¡°In what way? I feel I have.¡± I countered.
¡°I don¡¯t think you have Landy because I don¡¯t think you really can because you¡¯re not a mother.¡± she said. ¡°She doesn¡¯t see her kids as strong adults. She sees them as vulnerable babies. She sees them as completely dependent on her. She has a great need to protect them and feels they will always depend on her for that. She sees their helpless little hands in hers. She feels she is their hero and she is letting them down because she remembers the love and the promises, she made to them when they were first born. When she held them for the first time and they cried in her arms. When she carried them both inside of her. There¡¯s a bond there Landy, a bond only a mother can understand. That¡¯s her struggle. That¡¯s the pressure she feels. The pressure she will lose that bond and break the promises she made to them.¡±
¡°So, you don¡¯t think she¡¯s making it ¡°me or ¡°us¡± versus ¡°them¡±?¡± I asked as I tried to process all my mother told me. ¡°That she never pit her kids against me?¡±
¡°No honey, it¡¯s Anya versus Anya.¡± she said. ¡°It¡¯s the mother in her. Something only a mother could understand.¡±
¡°I guess I should ease up on her.¡±
¡°I don¡¯t know Landy.¡± she said. ¡°I don¡¯t know because she shouldn¡¯t have allowed you to feel so much for her too.¡±
¡°I worked at a Daycare for three years. I love kids. You didn¡¯t raise me to hurt children let alone be in this kind of relationship.¡± I said. ¡°She referred to them as baggage to me. The reason the man she dated before me left her. I was told he left her because she had children, not that she stayed for them. You don¡¯t know how this shift has crushed me inside¡but I also know how much she loves her kids. I can¡¯t believe for a second her choice to leave out what she did, and then to pursue a relationship with me, would ever hurt them.¡±
¡°I wish I had the answers.¡± she said. ¡°All I know is a mother¡¯s love for her children.¡±
¡°Alright.¡±
¡°Happy birthday, Landy.¡±
¡°Thanks mom, goodnight. Love you.¡±
¡°Love you too, Landy.¡±
After I got off the phone with my mom, I felt a little better. I had to find a way for Anya to understand all I fought for. And if she couldn¡¯t understand, I had to make sure she at least knew how I felt, and why I felt that way. I respected the love she had for her children. I just couldn¡¯t believe a mother who loved her children as much as she did would ever make a choice to be in a relationship under these circumstances if she knew it would hurt them. It¡¯s why I believed Jackson manipulated her and put fear into her heart about our love. She never felt this way until he interfered, and I know she wouldn¡¯t have put her heart and soul into a dish on my birthday, if she thought loving me would hurt them. I loved kids. I even gave up my dream of having them for Anya because I trusted her love that much. A love that would never put me in the position to love her so much, regardless of her kids, just to have her give her up. I trusted she never would have allowed or encouraged me to feel so much, to come this far, only to lose all we felt especially if the decision to be with me, to choose happiness, would not reside with her. She convinced me this would be solely her decision, and not one made by other people, as long as she fell in love with me, and I loved her too much not to call her out on it.
As I sat in an apartment that grew lonelier by the minute, my cell phone¡¯s indicator light began to blink.
ANYA: ¡°Would u like to talk? Nothing serious. I would like to wish you a happy birthday over the phone if ok with you. If you don¡¯t want to I¡¯d understand.¡±
ME: ¡°Can I call you right now?¡±
ANYA: ¡°Please.¡±
A few seconds later, her voice, like music, was in my ear.
¡°Happy birthday, babe.¡± she said upon pickup.
¡°Thank you.¡± I said. ¡°Listen, I don¡¯t want to get into anything serious but can I have your ear for a moment please? I think some things get lost in translation over text.¡±
¡°Ok.¡± she said with what seemed to be reluctance.
¡°I want to apologize.¡± I said. ¡°I¡¯m sorry. I know I said some mean things to you.¡±
¡°It¡¯s ok.¡±
¡°No, it¡¯s not babe.¡± I said. ¡°I¡¯m sorry if it feels like I¡¯m neglecting that you¡¯re a mother. I don¡¯t mean to disrespect a mother¡¯s love, your concern for their children. I respect that and I love that about you Anya. As much as it pains me at times, I love you for not being the kind of person to jump ship and leave you kids behind with nothing but questions. I love that you¡¯re careful about this and I truly support that. I want you to know that I respect you so much for it.¡±
¡°Thank you.¡±
¡°I love you, Anya. I love you more than you can possibly know because I can¡¯t show you most of the time. You gave me the most special, most beautiful day of my life, but even as it made me so happy, it also devastated.¡±
¡°I don¡¯t understand, babe. Why did it devastate you?¡± she asked with confusion reflected in her tone.
¡°Because I couldn¡¯t return the love you gave me.¡± I said. ¡®Anya, please consider that when I say the things I do, it always comes from a place of love. All I wanted on Tuesday was to return the love I was given and it killed me inside to know I couldn¡¯t¡because you wouldn¡¯t allow me to yet you¡¯ve allowed me to feel so much for you. If you never had plans to leave your marriage because you feared it could hurt the kids, I felt you should¡¯ve just treated me like Carolyn and Debbie, and not told me a thing because now I know too much. And I¡¯ve shared too much based solely on the knowledge you gave me. Babe. it¡¯s not unreasonable for me to believe you should be with me after all the love you¡¯ve shown me, especially after my birthday lunch. I think this would drive most people crazy, especially a person like me because this is something I¡¯ve dreamt about for thirty eight years.¡±
¡°You mentioned you were free to love me, and that scared me.¡± she said. ¡°If you were to ever contact my husband, I would never speak to you again.¡±
¡°Why is that?¡±
¡°Because I think that¡¯s crazy.¡±
¡°Okay, but what if he contacts me?¡± I asked.
¡°I would leave him.¡± she said.
¡°Really?¡±
¡°It would take a miracle for me to stay.¡± she said.
¡°I don¡¯t think he ever will though.¡± I said. ¡°He¡¯s had my number for over a year. I¡¯m sure he would¡¯ve by now.¡±
¡°I think there¡¯s a possibility he still will.¡± she said.
¡°And you will leave him if he does?¡±
¡°I will.¡±
¡°I know my text suggested that, but I never planned on contacting him. He would have to initiate contact first.¡± I said. ¡°And I¡¯d never confront him unless he committed an act of physical violence towards you. And then you could decide if you wanted to talk to me again after that. In my opinion if you chose to never talk to me again, then you never loved me in the first place.¡±
¡°In that scenario, I¡¯d speak to you again.¡± she stated.
¡°Fair enough.¡±
¡°Are we ok now?¡±
¡°I have one more thing to say if I may.¡±
¡°Yes, babe.¡±
¡°If you don¡¯t understand anything at all, please understand this when have any disagreements. Please know where my heart is. It is with you. I love you more than I love myself. I¡¯ve put my entire heart and soul into us because I believed all the things you told me that brought us here. I know your unhappiness intimately, and I¡¯m in your life because I care about your happiness. It¡¯s all I want for you even above my own. I believe happiness is not only important for you to have, but also for the people around you. But I also can¡¯t ask of you to be true to yourself and not remain true to my own self. If I feel something and I say something you don¡¯t necessarily agree with, or that you feel is unfair, that¡¯s okay. I don¡¯t mind being wrong babe when it comes to you. I want to spend the rest of my life with you. I want to wake up with only you and maybe the sunlight in my room. I dreamt of being rich one day, but I¡¯m only rich if I¡¯m with you because your love enriches my life. Money doesn¡¯t mean anything to me other than the means to survive. You¡¯re everything good about my life, babe, and it¡¯s hard for me to be noble, when I know I would fade away without you. Just please understand when we disagree, it¡¯s only because I love you and I want to be with you, not because I don¡¯t. I understand you¡¯re a mother, babe but I can¡¯t speak of experience. This is something only you can understand, so please don¡¯t hate me for not being unable to. I really try to, but it¡¯s hard when someone makes you as happy as you make me. I love you with one hundred percent of my heart babe, and you¡¯ll always have a piece of it. It¡¯s just the way it is, the way it¡¯s going to be. Sorry for rambling. I guess I better let you go.¡±
¡°I¡I¡¡± she said slowly. ¡°I only love you with fifty percent of my heart.¡±
¡°Ok¡I think that¡¯s fair after what I just put you through.¡±
¡°It¡¯s just that the other fifty percent belongs to my kids.¡± she clarified.
¡°Then I wouldn¡¯t want to beat one hundred percent of the fifty percent you gave me.¡±
¡°I only love you.¡± she said. ¡°I only want to be with you.¡±
¡°I only want to be with you too.¡±
¡°I have to go now, Love.¡±
¡°Thanks for wishing me a happy birthday.¡± I said. ¡°Thanks for saving the day.¡±
¡°I love you forever.¡±
¡°I love you forever.¡±
When our call ended and as I walked back to my bedroom, I realized I started in my bedroom and ended up in my living room as I got lost in our heartfelt conversation. I then decided to send her a text to apologize for the emotional exchange.
ME: ¡°I¡¯m sorry if I talked your ear off. I had a lot on my chest I needed to get off. I didn¡¯t mean to go back there. I apologize if I did. Thanks for listening. Goodnight. I love you.¡±
ANYA: ¡°No problem. U were on a roll! I¡¯m glad u told me. Now I know better where the temper tantrum was coming from! Happy Bday my dearest Landyn. I love you too.¡±
Although I felt a ¡°temper tantrum¡± marginalized my feelings, feelings I had a right to, I also knew in essence it was, and she seemed to understand better where it came from. She gave me the chance to present my side to her better, something she deserved that from me more than a ¡°temper tantrum¡±. Even though the fatigue and stress of my busiest busy season to date challenged my mental well being like never before, our greatest challenge lied ominously on an unforgiving horizon.
CHAPTER 33 ~ TORN INTO ME
¡°I¡¯m looking for clues
And wanting a change in the rules.
I¡¯m locked in a cage
Acting out on the wrong stage.¡±
¡°Fractured Love" Def Leppard
After a near disastrous birthday, the new day greeted me with an emotional exhaustion I never felt before. I hoped Anya understood better I wouldn¡¯t have been with her for the last fourteen months if I didn¡¯t understand the ¡°kid¡± thing. I needed her to know however, this arrangement no longer made much sense after all we¡¯ve shared. If I didn¡¯t believe she never listened to herself before, I definitely knew she never did now. Some things she said were not from the thoughtful loving Anya I knew and loved, as it felt she transformed into the part of Anya, her kids and Jackson knew. How could she possibly believe she told me everything from the very beginning I needed to know? Things I had to painfully learn over time? Things that no doubt caused her last flame to leave her. The night we first met, Anya told me she remained in her marriage because she feared no one would be with her due to Katie and Andrew. She never mentioned she was still there because if she left, she feared it would hurt them. I could no longer ignore the fact she was the wife of a politician and salesman, and these roles she played out adroitly as she spoke of things she thought I wanted to hear, and not the things I needed to hear when we first met. At this point, it was impossible to believe that if she feared the choice of happiness over sadness would hurt the kids, that there wasn¡¯t something about me she didn¡¯t care for. My goal now became to find out what it was that replaced her love for me with fear. To find out what changed and why a promise I should have had months ago still eluded me. What did she not like about me? Did her ears fall victim to the fears and tales of friends? Did they represent her objective voice in the matter? Did this come from the one friend who cheated on her own husband too, and still partied like she was in college? Did this come from the same friends who claimed they were happily married? The only reason they were happily married was because they thought love was a joke because it¡¯s how they coped without it. They didn¡¯t believe in love so they found solace in the reality that love eventually fades over time, and to be able to live like a single person while married was the way to go. Simply, Anya and her friends lived in a world I did not understand. If Anya wanted to live like a single person in her marriage, then more power to her, but don¡¯t bring a man like myself who truly believed in and valued love into her life. She should have just left me alone, and continue to play the part of the emotionally deprived with someone else, like her douchebag husband.
I trusted Anya, and more than anything I trusted she knew what love was after all she went through with Jackson. I trusted her love for me, her intentions were pure, to leave, and never find any excuses to stay. I also didn¡¯t want to give her a hard time about her struggles, as I needed to focus on things I could control, like my career, but what scared me the most was I knew my life would fall apart, and my promotion would be lost, if I lost Anya. The happiness that fueled me, I would lose forever. I trusted her with my life, that what she told me from the beginning was true. That the horrific portrait she painted of her husband when we first met, that encouraged me to be here now, was dead accurate. That the reasons she remained with him, and all she needed from me to leave him were true. Although we survived this round, I didn¡¯t believe we would survive the next. We both couldn¡¯t keep going on like this and a decision needed to be made, but I needed the truth from her because one I never considered came on the scene in a most pervasive manner; was her love for me a front, because I knew too much?
ANYA: ¡°Good morning! Glad we talked last night.¡±
ME: ¡°Good morning! Thanks for listening to me. Did you cry last night?¡±
ANYA: ¡°Yes.¡±
ME: ¡°What you did for me last week hit me hard. It was very thoughtful and I want you to know how much it was appreciated. I¡¯ve never felt more special and that I meant that much to anyone before. I went from a man of low self worth when I met you, to a man worthy of love. It meant a lot, and it was hard for me to know I couldn¡¯t return the love you showed me, the way I wanted to. I know it¡¯s hard to understand from your end.¡±
ANYA: ¡°It¡¯s amazing to me you don¡¯t take anything for granted.¡±
ME: ¡°I know how important it is to have love, especially a love like ours. I am holding onto this with every part of me because I know how rare it is. I appreciate your love. You love like no other. That¡¯s hard to let go of.¡±
ANYA: ¡°Thank u for that. I really do love u and u know that. What I did on Tuesday wasn¡¯t anything I wouldn¡¯t do if we were together. I¡¯m sorry about my situation.¡±
Never a marriage; always a situation. And a situation could always be changed. I regretted my decision to not pull away from Anya when she was most vulnerable; at the time she wanted to run from home, but I owed her the time to get to know me, so she knew her decision would be a good one. But apparently all I did was give her enough time to forget all the things she told me in the beginning.
I didn¡¯t have a choice in this even when I did. She loved me so well it mended a trampled heart over the years. It¡¯s like she gave me a heart transplant and I felt renewed as all the wonder and hope in the world I felt in my teenage years was born again. Even as, in her own words, she risked it all, Anya seemed to also think our love came with zero consequences. Like it would be an abnormal act for me, and for our love, to fight for her if she tried to walk away. I could understand after only a four day love affair like in ¡°The Bridges of Madison County¡±, or even after a few months, but definitely not after what happened last Tuesday let alone the past fourteen month of moments we shared. As much as I would have loved to confront Jackson just to let him know why I existed, I could never contact Jackson, and it had nothing to do with her warning. Her warning was not a threat, and only communicated to me for one simple reason; she knew what he would do. He would run to the kids. He¡¯d run to her parents. He¡¯d run to her aunts and uncles. Then run to their circle of friends, advisors and employees. And so I knew, if I gave him that power over her, it would be an act of betrayal and she¡¯d have no choice but to be upset enough to never want to speak to me again. Any plans to contact Jackson were never on the table, and mentioned only out of frustration and fear more than intention, even if her husband had not been my firm¡¯s largest client. I then began to consider why Anya didn¡¯t want me to think he was a monster. Not because he wasn¡¯t one, but because I may confront him if I thought so. Sometimes, it just took a positive conversation, a little understanding and compassion, to get these torturous thoughts straightened out as my emotions threatened to entangle them.
Our convo the prior evening, although painful at times, took the white noise and gave me a better picture of how she felt. It really broke my heart to text anything that hurt the woman I loved dearly, but my emotions got the best of me at times and my presentation came out muddled. I truly wanted to understand her side of things, but to understand her side of things could also lead me down a path to agree with half the truth. I hated to argue with anyone because of all the disagreements I had with my father. To avoid conflict, I preferred peace, however my life was truly on the line here, and it was hard to ignore when I loved her so much.
She was my greatest passion in life. I truly loved and cared about her with every inch of my soul, so much so, I even felt love for her kids. As much as I dreamt of a proposal to Anya under the Eiffel Tower, I wanted to be on a first name basis with her kids. I believed in Anya¡¯s love so much, I began to save for future trips together and even a ring. Mothers who made sacrifices for her kids were not as disrespected by their husband like Anya was, and they were not in relationships with other men outside their marriage. I felt this sacrifice didn¡¯t have the same characteristics the other sacrifices mothers made usually did, and they were easier sacrifices to make. I knew Anya¡¯s happiness, I was in her life, and if she chose martyrdom over love, not only did I fail her, I would never believe in love again. To me, the magic would forever be lost. More than anything, I knew myself. I knew how hard I took it when Denise left me and I felt nothing even close for Denise than I did for Anya. Like a headfirst fall from a twenty story building, I¡¯d never recover from this, and I¡¯d know, without a doubt, that love and hope no longer existed for me.
Later that afternoon, I again thanked Anya for Tuesday and for her understanding. After my temper tantrum, I wanted to make sure she knew it meant a lot to me.
ANYA: ¡°I¡¯m just so impressed w/ur humbleness. Yes, I did have to juggle to see u but getting the gifts and making the dish was easy and my pleasure.¡±
ME: ¡°It was the sweetest thing ever. I just wanted you to know I was aware of what you had to juggle to be able to give me such a special moment in my life. I appreciate all you do babe. I love you forever.¡±
ANYA: ¡°If I could freely shop and make for u it would not be a big deal for me. Really, it was nothing. It was just tricky to get out of the house on time that¡¯s all. I love you forever.¡±
ME: ¡°What you did meant a lot for me. I¡¯m not used to receiving in my life so I¡¯m not very good at it. I¡¯m only used to giving. I hope you can understand at least that much about my reaction. It only made me want to be your husband that much more so I could return the favor.¡±
ANYA: ¡°Awww that¡¯s so sweet babe. I know you¡¯d make a good husband. You¡¯re very special.¡±
ME: ¡°I would take good care of you babe. Take a lot of the stress off your plate.¡±
ANYA: ¡°We¡¯d make a good team.¡±
ME: ¡°No doubt.¡±
All I wanted was that chance. For her to truly take a leap of faith the way I did. To show her there was a benefit in a change of her marital status, and any perceived detriment was created by fear. That love and fear could never cohabitate. It wasn¡¯t about a replacement of their father, but only a supplement. I just wanted to give her as much as she gave me last week. Unfortunately, at times, the pain of my inability to do that along with the unknown of what our future held after all we shared, became emotionally exhausting. The unknown waterboarded me at times because I loved her so much. If I didn¡¯t challenge her, I would forever know nothing, and if I didn¡¯t love her, she simply would never feel pressure from me. What I did know was that she wanted to be happy again; she wanted to feel love again. And I gave her the chance of a lifetime to have that, to give her a man who under these circumstances still gave her love, and not just a lower extremity of his body. I truly cared for her mental well being and about her future years, not just about the day we dwelled in. I saw the forest far beyond the first set of trees. Not only would she die alone. She would die truly unloved, used only as a device to build a man¡¯s wealth. If Katie and Andrew knew the truth, would they want that for their mother? If they knew the truth of her pain? The way their father mentally ambushed her? The same man, their hero, who promised to honor and cherish her? Katie needed to know a marriage founded on dishonor and disrespect was not a marriage she should ever remain, let alone ever be a part of. I knew Jackson was a good father, but Katie would seek her father in a partner because she didn¡¯t realize how dishonorable her father truly was. That her own father was a man who dishonored women, even at an age he should¡¯ve known better.
Why would Anya allow her kids to witness her abusive marriage? I knew she wouldn¡¯t because she loved them too much to allow Katie to believe a woman should be treated that way. They didn¡¯t know about the infidelities, but they felt the tension to know something wasn¡¯t right. There had to be something else about Jackson I didn¡¯t know of and why Anya remained undecided about us. For the sake of my own sanity, I had to learn what it was, something that alarmed me with each disagreement we had.
Later that evening, Anya sent me a text to see what I was up to.
ANYA: ¡°Your words last night meant the world to me.¡±
ME: ¡°Well, you mean the world to me. What r u up to?¡±
ANYA: ¡°U know. Soccer, baseball, dance, Suki, dinner, etc. I feel a little down tonight and idk why. Maybe hormones are off. TMI?¡±
When I read Anya¡¯s text, I flashed back eight years ago to when Denise sent me an email to tell me she felt down and she didn¡¯t know why. The colors in my memory were vivid too; how Denise told me she didn¡¯t understand why because she had me in her life. I began to feel an instant panic, that Anya too would now communicate as to why we weren¡¯t together. That she decided to work things out with Jackson, just like Denise did when she told me the following day, she met someone new.
ME: ¡°Is it because of us?¡±
ANYA: ¡°No not at all. Sometimes I feel a bit down. It happens. Nothing a glass of wine won¡¯t fix!¡±
ME: ¡°I¡¯m sorry to hear that. Idk. It sounds like something a glass of wine won¡¯t fix, babe. I wish you would tell me what you¡¯re feeling. I don¡¯t want to put any pressure on you so if there¡¯s something you need to tell me, and that¡¯s why you¡¯re down. Please tell me.¡±
ANYA: ¡°I¡¯m ok babe.¡±
I couldn¡¯t help but feel sad too as old feelings revisited me. I just didn¡¯t want to be caught off guard by anything, although I wouldn¡¯t know how to react if Anya told me she planned to work on things with Jackson. Afterall, if she feared I¡¯d contact him, it might give her an incentive to work on her marriage, even after all we¡¯ve shared. And this wasn¡¯t out of the realm of possibility, especially when Valentine¡¯s Day loomed on the horizon. When I considered this scenario, I decided to send her a text to see if she was feeling any better.
ANYA: ¡°Better! Having a glass at home w/Carolyn and Debbie.¡±
ME: ¡°Happy to hear that! Have a goodnight. I love you forever.¡±
ANYA: ¡°Have a goodnight Landyn. I love you forever.¡±
In comparison to the previous twenty-four-hour period, today was a good day for us, but I still held my breath as the next day arrived, and when it did, I could tell Anya held her breath as well.
ANYA: ¡°Good morning! Sorry about last night. My mood was off. I feel much better now!¡±
ME: ¡°That¡¯s great news babe! I was worried about you. I don¡¯t want you stressing out about us. I know I¡¯ve put some pressure on you, but at the end of the day I love you. If I didn¡¯t love you, there would be no pressure. To be honest, it gives me some time to keep saving up for us.¡±
ANYA: ¡°Saving up for us?¡±
ME: ¡°For a ring and so we can travel together and really capitalize on all the missed opportunities. That¡¯s what I¡¯ve been saving for. To create beautiful memories together one day, and to make sense of all the chaos we had to go through to get there.¡±
ANYA: ¡°I just teared up. You make it impossible to stay mad at you cuz like u said, at the end of the day, you do love me.¡±
ME: ¡°I truly do. I think about us all the time. How beautiful it would be.¡±
ANYA: ¡°I know babe. Believe me I think about us nonstop.¡±
ME: ¡°I just hope you can understand where I¡¯m coming from. It¡¯s truly coming from a place of love. Everything I tell you.¡±
ANYA: ¡°Thank you for telling me. I understand better now. I love you.¡±
ME: ¡°Thank you for understanding. I love you too.¡±
It appeared I¡¯d survive the day, and Anya¡¯s sadness carried no relation to Denise. I don¡¯t know why I compared the two in the first place after all Anya and I shared together. Her receptive response when I revealed I saved up for a ¡°ring and travels¡± made me realize I¡¯d never hear that she planned to work out things with her husband. Even though Carolyn felt Anya should work things out with Jackson, Anya, and even Carolyn, couldn¡¯t have felt the same way after all we¡¯ve shared up to this point.
Later that afternoon Anya clarified via text why she felt the way she did the prior evening.
ANYA: ¡°My cycle got screwed up when I took the ¡°morning after¡± pill. It wasn¡¯t right last month so according to last month¡¯s cycle I ovulated on the 29th. So off!¡±
ME: ¡°That sounds as if it would definitely knock you out of whack!¡±
ANYA: ¡°I was thinking about what u said earlier and I have to admit I was wondering why u kept saying ¡°now is not the right time¡±. I always thought it was because u wanted to buy a house first.¡±
ME: ¡°It would be nice to buy a house first, but I think it¡¯s important to include you in the home buying selection process. I wouldn¡¯t want to buy something you wouldn¡¯t want to live in. The more time that goes by, the nicer ring and the more trips I can afford to save for. So that¡¯s one positive thing about your indecision.¡±
ANYA: ¡°Awww babe. I¡¯m so bumming now.¡±
ME: ¡°What¡¯s wrong?¡±
ANYA: ¡°Life is so not fair.¡±
ME: ¡°One could never hope, wish and dream if they didn¡¯t believe life could be fair, babe. Life can be fair if you believe it can be.¡±
I didn¡¯t know what she truly meant by her text and she never responded to me with any kind of hope, like she used to. I think she needed to be reminded that life is fair. That hopes, wishes and dreams were predicated upon it, and although for the most part, life was mostly unfair, in this case, it could be changed by choice. I found the fairness of life in her control. All she had to do was listen honestly to herself, and believe in the love that brought us both to where we were. And she had a life partner to guide her, and be by her side each step of the way, her truest destiny.
Later that evening, Anya texted me again.
ANYA: ¡°I can¡¯t stop thinking about what u said earlier about saving for a ring and travels. I¡¯m a lucky girl to have a guy like you to love me that much.¡±
ME: ¡°Well, I¡¯m a lucky guy to have a girl like you to love me that much. To turn, what I thought would just be another ordinary day in my life, into the greatest day of my life. Now, can you see why I was so sad not to be able to return the favor?¡±
ANYA: ¡°I think I would be more of a liability to you than an asset.¡±
ME: ¡°What makes you think that, babe?¡±
ANYA: ¡°For a nice ring babe.¡±
ME: ¡°To me, the asset is your heart and the revenue is your love. Your love, the way you love me, is the only thing I need, and no matter what liabilities you bring with it, they wouldn¡¯t make a bit of difference, because your love gives me more than enough profit that the liabilities are non- existent.¡±
ANYA: ¡°Listen to u! You¡¯re making me happy and sad at the same time.¡±
ME: ¡°Babe, it¡¯s the truth. Please don¡¯t be sad. Please be happy.¡±
ANYA: ¡°U had me in tears all day.¡±
ME: ¡°I hope they were happy tears because I didn¡¯t say these things to make you sad, but to make you smile. Can I ask why you are sad?¡±
ANYA: ¡°What is making me sad is that you¡¯re willing to do anything for me and it seems like I¡¯m not. Not true but seems that way cuz I¡¯m here, not there.¡±
ME: ¡°I know where you would be if your kids weren¡¯t where you are right now. I don¡¯t want you to feel sad babe. I know what you¡¯ve done for me. I believe in your love. You¡¯re just so beautiful to me that it hurts sometimes.¡±
ANYA: ¡°I¡¯m sorry babe.¡±
Anya was so beautiful to me. At times I carried my own cross, denied the ability to love her the way I wanted to. I felt the pain she felt in her marriage was transferred to me. I loved her, and I bring her pain upon myself if it helped her be a happier person and mother, but at the same time, caught in the fire of her indecision, to get burned by this was not what I signed up for. I could take her pain away, but always believed she would never allow me to feel any after I initially walked away from her to avoid what we both went through now. And if I felt any pain from her love, I trusted she would choose to live an honest life to release me from it, the only reason I decided to give her situation any consideration. I had no idea I would ever be a part of such duplicity and her double life, but the fear she felt for her kids, my compassion for her struggle, my trust in her love, and my belief in the goodness of our love, were the reasons why I chose to not let go regardless of my own struggles.
Before I went to sleep, I sent Anya a text to explain why Valentine¡¯s Day this year would be a little harder on me than it was last year. I felt it was important to communicate simply because I had a hard time with it last year, and she responded the following morning.
ANYA: ¡°Good morning. Sorry I didn¡¯t know. To me V day is not a big deal. It¡¯s just another day. I guess every day is V day if you¡¯re in love and not just that day.¡±
ME: ¡°I agree babe. Every day should be V-day. We shouldn¡¯t need a day to commemorate it.¡±
I loved Anya¡¯s response to Valentine¡¯s Day, as it echoed my sentiments exactly. However, I didn¡¯t believe Jackson got the memo, and it made me wonder if she got him something every year, which led him to believe she still loved him. After all we¡¯ve shared, I wouldn¡¯t understand it if she did it this year. I would think if she never kissed him, never told him ¡°I love you¡± when he said it to her, and would never kiss him passionately, that she would never accept his heart as well.
Then, as if she heard me, she hit me with something beautiful; her heart.
ANYA: ¡°I would love to wear something of yours. Though I would love to wear a ring from you, if I had to pick right now I would pick a simple necklace.¡±
Reddened eyes read her text several times as she touched me from far away, like she used to do as the Anya I knew and loved more than the air I needed to survive appeared before me. I lost count of all the minutes, turned into hours, that I found myself in front of a jewelry store window with the hope she just gave me. Behind the glass I sought the same beauty I saw in her, afraid to venture inside alone and inexperienced, like a hapless drone, to only look at rings that seemed unworthy to grace her finger. But in my search, I gazed at necklaces as well and fantasized how one of them would look on her pristine neckline. However, since Anya usually deleted my texts, I only had one concern.
ME: ¡°Would you wear it out, babe? Would you be worried about that?¡±
ANYA: ¡°If the necklace was simple enough and looks like something I would buy myself, I could wear it out every day close to my heart.¡±
Imprisoned tears of joy fell from my eyes, as I wiped them away just so I could see my phone. For thirty eight years I searched for a reason to walk into a jewelry store, and it hit me hard to know I finally had one.
ME: ¡°That¡¯s exactly what I had in mind. For the record, I never check you out in the traditional way you¡¯re used to, but I have checked out your neck before.¡±
ANYA: ¡°What? You¡¯ve checked out my neck? Why?¡±
ME: ¡°So I could picture what piece of jewelry would be worthy of lying across it.¡±
ANYA: ¡°That¡¯s the sweetest babe.¡±
ME: ¡°Whenever I check you out, it¡¯s always with my heart and mind. I just have to go through my eyes to do so.¡±
ANYA: ¡°Awww sweet babe.¡±
She meant the world to me and I would¡¯ve taken the pain of her life upon myself without a second¡¯s hesitation if I had to. She deserved happiness in life, the unselfish kind like we all did, but I wanted to take it on knowing it had a purpose, and not for nothing. To give her an opportunity to have the unselfish brand of happiness she once had. Jackson¡¯s selfish choices made her unwell, to the point she could never trust the man she should¡¯ve trusted the most, her husband. Unless she misled me completely, our love was something she had no right to feel guilty about. And although she misrepresented some things to me, it also spoke to how much she wanted to be with me. To how much she needed love in her life, if she found it easy to not disclose things I surely needed to know only if I asked about them. My gut instinct was all she left me to go on, and in my mind, she wanted us more than I did because I initially walked away, but after fourteen months of the greatest love and the greatest feelings I ever knew, it became only natural to want it more than ever before. For her to retract, and to even remain undecided, I felt minimized all I felt for her, all I decided to do, and all she allowed and encouraged me to feel after all the trust I had in her, just to be here over a year later. If she needed more time, I would have to be more patient, but I could only do that if she understood why I struggled and she responded positively to minimize my struggle; not to just leave me for dead. After all she allowed and encouraged me to feel, her excuses had to end as she had to see the beauty in us, and not the horrific. If she saw the horrific, she couldn¡¯t possibly need me in her life the way I needed her, and her love had a selfish motive to it, and not one that served my heart, but only her own. We both seemed to have a better understanding about the ¡°kid thing¡±. She understood why I didn¡¯t agree with her decision to stay for their sake, especially when there was another man in her life before me, and I better understood she didn¡¯t pit them against me. Anya was a mother, one who greatly loved her kids, and she wanted them to have the life she never had. I respected that, but I also knew they could still have the life she never had, with me. That being with me would not ruin that dream for her kids, unless there were other things, she failed to make me aware of. With my upcoming partner promotion, and what Anya could receive in a divorce settlement, her kids would continue to have the things they deserved in this life.
I began to also consider, caught in the current of my positive thoughts, Anya always wanted to be with me when the kids weren¡¯t so in demand of her time. She carried a lot of stress with her as a mother and employee. I had to understand it wasn¡¯t easy on her and how that stress could affect her mood as it seemed Jackson paid the bills but hardly pitched in with the daily routine. I¡¯m certain she desired to make a promise when they were grown up and out of the house, and less dependent on her to get around, but it failed to make me feel safe because of the current sleeping arrangement. Whenever she shared her thoughts of running away, in essence, it removed their dependence upon her, so she could spend all the time in the world with me, but I would¡¯ve never wanted her that way; to be the reason she ran from her duties as their mother. The stress of being a mother had an identity all its own, and I don¡¯t think any man could ever truly understand all it took to be a mother with their innate senses that led to certain feelings, actions and responses. She had to know this wasn¡¯t a competition between her husband and I for the affection of her kids. I never considered him as Frankenstein when it came to his kids, and it¡¯s a competition I would only choose to lose, but all because her husband had money to throw at their kids didn¡¯t make him a good father. It seemed all he had to do was buy Katie a horse ranch and she¡¯s would be smitten with her father for life, no matter what he did to her mother. A good father, is much more than that, but to an impressionable child, Jackson was her hero. Taken that into consideration, how could I ever believe Katie would approve of me, the one who honored their mother, over their father? All Jackson had to do was the same thing he did with Anya when he was thirty and she was an impressionable teenager, just throw money at her and watch them fall in love. In my eyes, it was all politics, and I didn¡¯t want Anya to play politics with her children. For Anya to turn her marriage and their devotion to family into a Hallmark special, because I knew it was as real as the Tooth Fairy. Without question, Anya and Jackson loved their children, but they also had the responsibility to teach and show them the things in life money couldn¡¯t buy, and they chose to hide in shadows instead. They put them in a bubble, and gave them all they desired regardless of any need they were aware of. Katie, at three years old, didn¡¯t even know what a horse ranch was, but she got one. Andrew wanted his room decorated with dollar bill wallpaper, and even know Anya knew money didn¡¯t lead to happiness, he got it. And why was it truly done? To hide the problems of her marriage away from them. To make a balloon animal out of a lie to keep them safe. But this was two-fold, as they also tried to hide the image of imperfect people from them. To remain their heroes under the fa?ade of perfect parents, all done to hide it from the masses as well.
To know this kind of parenting existed disgusted me. So much so, I didn¡¯t want to hear a word about the unconditional love of a parent. All because a parent loved their kids unconditionally, didn¡¯t mean it was unconditional love. A parent¡¯s love was truly conditional love, simply because it¡¯s based on the condition Andrew and Katie were actually their own son and daughter. Now if they loved someone else¡¯s kids, with no strings attached, then it was unconditional love, and I felt I offered more unconditional love to them than their own parents ever could.
Anya and Jackson, buried the heads of their kids in the sand through constant activities, but they were also obligated as parents to ¡°parent¡±, and to let them enjoy their childhood, too. It was also important to set your kids up for success as soon as possible, and to prepare them for the future beyond childhood, and I applauded them for that aspect of their parenting. They instilled a good work ethic and sense of responsibility in them at a young age. It was something most parents failed to do, but the challenges Andrew and Katie faced by being pushed, I feared, could break them down at such a tender age. They had their entire lives to feel stresses and pressures as adults, so it was equally important for them to enjoy their childhood as well. I just feared they could get burnt out by the time the responsibilities of adulthood arrived.
As much as I loved Anya, I had the were withal to walk away from this if I believed what I stood for in regards to their parenting was wrong, but I represented an unbiased party who could see the things that blinded them as parents, as a mother. Jackson and Anya¡¯s love for their children was not up for debate. I knew first hand through the pain I fought through every single day, how much Anya loved her kids, and part of the love I had for her was because of her great concern for them. I only saw this as a great mistake for her to stay at this point for their sake because of why I was in her life. She gave me all this information and ammunition for a reason, and for her to ignore all she encouraged and allowed me to feel that essentially formed the very basis of these strong opinions, made her decision to stay for the sake of her kids the wrong one to make.
Later that afternoon, I sent her a text to see how she was doing.
ANYA: ¡°Home organizing with your candle lit and Diana Krall on. Love my candles! Thank u!¡±
ME: ¡°I¡¯m so happy you love your candles! It¡¯s raining outside too. Candles and rain makes me think of us. I love you.¡±
ANYA: ¡°I never thought the rain could sound so beautiful. I love you.¡±
When she shared this with me, I felt connected to her again, something I desperately needed so I could focus better at work. This was the busiest ¡°busy season¡± in the firm¡¯s twenty five year history, so I could ill afford to fall behind. Clients could easily sue us if we missed an audit deadline or failed to perform a competent audit, as the risk increased with the increase in clientele. One misstep and the firm could be extinct. The mental toll our relationship took on me failed to understand the importance of my career and increased my stress levels exponentially. This created a need for me, and a greater hope, to secure a promise from Anya to ease the pressure that continued to build. Until then, I held on for dear life to the positive texts like Anya sent on this day, as they helped enormously to stay on track.
I didn¡¯t hear from Anya the next morning, but since we had a better understanding after my ¡°temper tantrum¡± earlier in the week, I didn¡¯t dwell on her silence, and even up until the time she broke it later in the day at forty nine minutes past four.
ANYA: ¡°So I missed chatting w/u today.¡±
ME: ¡°I missed chatting w/u today too. What r u up to? Miss you.¡±
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I waited for Anya¡¯s response but it seemed she got pulled away for a moment. Although we didn¡¯t have the chance to chat, I had one of my most productive days in a while as I left the office that day on track again. As my ¡°busy season¡± normal ten hour days turned into thirteen hour days this year, I had very little time when I got home to journal how I felt to better understand all my emotions. All I could do was hope the positive air around us would continue.
About two hours later, and as I packed up my laptop, Anya sent me a response.
ANYA: ¡°I c. Hope u had a nice day. Sorry was driving. If u can believe it we have dance, tutor, and indoor batting cage practice at 7 p.m. Ugh! I miss u too.¡±
ME: ¡°Oh wow! That¡¯s a lot of running around for a Friday night.¡±
When I sent this text, I thought it would be our final communication for the evening, but I couldn¡¯t be more wrong about anything in my life.
ANYA: ¡°No kidding! Kind of sick doing it alone!¡±
It seemed Anya always ran her kids around on her own, another reason I knew I¡¯d be a benefit in her life. Even if I worked all day, I would never allow her to run around like that on her own, especially in the dark and in this rainy weather. I don¡¯t know how Jackson, the man who would lose an arm if he could change things, would allow his wife to do that if he loved her.
ME: ¡°Really babe? Soccer and baseball at the same time? One activity is tough enough let alone two. Then, you also have Katie¡¯s dance classes on top of it? You can only do so much. I know it¡¯s tough to say no to your kids, and if you didn¡¯t have Katie then it would be much easier, but what you¡¯re doing would be difficult on any parent. You can¡¯t spread yourself so thin babe. He isn¡¯t the only one working. You work too.¡±
ANYA: ¡°I know but I can¡¯t complain cuz I don¡¯t work full-time and it¡¯s just my assumed role. Sorry for venting.¡±
ME: ¡°Wow! Really? Who told u that? Isn¡¯t being a mother a full time job? Sorry, just not used to growing up in that kind of world.¡±
Growing up, my father had a full-time job and my mother didn¡¯t yet he always found time to take me to baseball practice and to make my games. My mother drove me to school, but my father helped her with that duty as well. He never cleaned the house, but he still took care of two yards and worked full-time. He never assumed my mother had to do anything except clean the house, but he always lent a hand without hesitation if she needed it, now more than ever as she fought Cancer. I just couldn¡¯t believe what she texted to me. She didn¡¯t work full-time so she had no right to complain? At all? Jackson was a busy man, but as a business owner, he at least had the flexibility in his schedule if he needed it. Time was money, but what about family? Maybe it was now a different world, but my father used to work all night long, and he could have easily slept all day long but instead stayed up to help my mother. There should be no assumed roles in a marriage simply because you are teammates. Marriage should be a dynamic union, not a static one.
In essence, Anya taught Katie her role, as a mother who didn¡¯t work full-time, was to drive her kids everywhere, and to submit without complaint. She also taught Andrew that a wife and mother handled these duties, no matter how perilous and taxing they were, even at times a father was available to do them too, if she didn¡¯t work full-time. Anya worked in the morning, dropped her kids off to and from school, ran them around to get them to their multiple activities on time, prepared dinner when they got home and then helped them with homework. With the increase of fatigue, stress and pressure, wouldn¡¯t it be easy to see how her assumed role put her and the kids in danger of being in a car accident? I didn¡¯t understand her assumed role, let alone why she couldn¡¯t see this herself as a real solid excuse to leave Jackson.
ANYA: ¡°I know I make some noise sometimes.¡±
ME: ¡°Voicing your displeasure and concern for the safety of your children and their mother is not making ¡°noise¡±. You should never be made to feel guilty about speaking up about something like this. It¡¯s not like you want to ¡°veg¡± around the house all day. The dance activities alone are so involved. Even if you didn¡¯t work at all it would still be difficult. It¡¯s overwhelming at times. I¡¯m sure you¡¯re just as exhausted as he is by the time he gets home too.¡±
ANYA: ¡°Thx for understanding. I hauled ass today and haven¡¯t stopped driving since 3:30 and won¡¯t be done until baseball is over at 8:30. Gets old!¡±
Her ¡°noise¡± broke my heart as she had every right in the world to feel all she did. It just devastated me to know I had my hands tied as she wouldn¡¯t allow me the promise needed to help her. That all I could do was listen while the woman I loved greater than life itself put herself in the eye of harm¡¯s storm. Her complaint was not about being a mother, it was about someone¡¯s need to recognize she was one. She failed to sell me on her assumed role. A marriage was a partnership therefore a team environment needed to exist. They co-parented without being co-parents at times. Jackson was a very busy man and supported the family well financially. As much as I disliked him as her husband, he had a right to come home and relax. At the same time though, he had to recognize she needed help, and not lay back and take her for granted.
Her words brought me back to the time when one evening she ran from the house, and jumped inside her car with the intention to drive away to me after she received no help from him in the kitchen after dinner. Now this ¡°noise¡± she suddenly made was either the tip of the iceberg or the breaking point for her; the reason why I fought so hard to battle the heartache I felt to stay in this. Jackson¡¯s blatant obliviousness to her struggle, even after his multiple infidelities, left zero doubt in my mind he was more monster than husband. He didn¡¯t know love, he simply paid for it so he felt worthy of its receipt, and her loyalty. He used the kids as the device for her to feel guilt if she made any ¡°noise¡±. What stood out the most though, was the fact he did not know empathy of any kind, and was only empathetic to one person; himself.
ME: ¡°Believe me, I know babe. It¡¯s ok to feel the way you do. It¡¯s okay to vent about this. I always worry about you driving, hustling back and forth especially when it rains like this.¡±
ANYA: ¡°My route since 3:30 and till 8:30 pm. Dana Point to Newport Beach, back to Dana Point, back to NB, back to DP, back to NB, to Irvine, back to DP, back to Irvine, then back to DP.¡±
ME: ¡°That¡¯s way more than hauling ass! You¡¯re going to get in accident one day if you don¡¯t have help, babe.¡±
ANYA: ¡°I just think maybe helping with one way or two would take a great load off my back especially in this rain! Ok I¡¯m done. Sorry.¡±
ME: ¡°Sorry for what? I couldn¡¯t agree with you more. Why risk putting yourself or your children in danger? Because it¡¯s your ¡°assumed role¡±? I¡¯d be worried sick about you doing that alone. Sick to my stomach. I wouldn¡¯t care how tired I was, I¡¯d never allow you to do that in these conditions.¡±
ANYA: ¡°It¡¯s pretty typical. I work out at 5 so I can stay looking decent and work all day until pickup. Then I have to handle homework and dinner in between! Ok now I¡¯m really done! Sorry!¡±
Her words struck me with even more confusion as to why she stayed in her marriage. Wouldn¡¯t this be the perfect excuse to leave Jackson? How did these assumed roles accommodate the physical safety of her, Katie and Andrew? Taken this into consideration, how could she further justify her marriage to Jackson? Within the noise she made lied the truth, and the heart of the matter beyond the infidelities. Anya had every reason in the world to pursue a better life, and here lied her major reason why she made me a huge part of it. If I already didn¡¯t think Anya was amazing enough. And if I already didn¡¯t care or love her as much as I did enough, I felt more than enough after she opened up to me about this as she provided me with the greatest argument for her to leave her marriage; if there weren¡¯t enough reasons already. All I could say to her were two very loud words, the truest ones I knew.
ME: ¡°You. Matter.¡±
A mother could win the ¡°mother of the year¡± award every year, but they also had to be aware of the toll. She mattered more than she thought she did, as I began to witness how the warped mind of a narcissist partner could mangle someone to believe they were unfit and insignificant. Only a creep for a husband would put a blind eye towards a wife who did all Anya did for her kids on a daily basis. This was no longer a fight for Anya¡¯s heart, but a fight for her life. A life she didn¡¯t find all too important, as through my mother¡¯s struggle, I saw Anya¡¯s own demise down the road if this mental abuse continued. A demise I simply would never allow. Anya reached her breaking point with Jackson, and it was palpable as it brought her one step closer to the truth, and closer to me. I learned how she felt tonight, and now sensed if he failed to help, a choice no longer existed to stay for the kids, because she mattered too.
Suddenly my phone began to ring and sure enough, it was Anya.
¡°Hi Sweetheart. You ok?¡± I asked upon pickup.
¡°I hate this.¡± She said as I could hear her feet hit the ground in obvious frustration. ¡°I swear I hate this. I fucking hate this.¡±
The emotion in her voice brought me back to the night she cried in Canada, when my phone died, and it caused me to look at it to make sure my battery wasn¡¯t going out this time on her.
¡°Did you want me to swing by, babe?¡± I asked. ¡°I can be there in ten minutes. I¡¯ll just hang out in the parking lot so you don¡¯t feel alone.¡±
¡°You don¡¯t have to do that babe. Thank you though. I¡¯m fine. I¡¯m just sick of doing this.¡±
¡°I understand how you feel. Just give me the word and I¡¯ll do anything you need me to do for you within the circumstances.¡± I said. ¡°I¡¯m worried about you.¡±
¡°I just hate this so much.¡± she said. ¡°All these men are checking me out. I can¡¯t stand it.¡±
¡°You¡¯re killing me over here.¡± I said dying to do something, anything she asked of me as I hoped she would. ¡°I¡¯m so sorry.¡±
¡°I¡¯ve been playing catch with Andrew since he was five.¡± she said. ¡°I taught him how to throw and catch a baseball. I¡¯ve been taking him to the cages since he was five, too.¡±
¡°Your husband doesn¡¯t play catch with him at all?¡± I asked.
¡°He does.¡± She said. ¡°But not enough.¡±
It brought me back to all the times my Dad, tired from a long ten hour day after work, would hit me in the head with a glove and bring me to the park to hit me fly balls. I didn¡¯t have a game the following day. I wasn¡¯t even on a team yet, but it¡¯s just something he wanted to do with his me, his son, but even more so, just to give my mother a much needed break. As I remembered all those times, times I¡¯m sure he¡¯d rather had caught up on some sleep instead, he made the extra effort for me, and for my mom. I guess with all his wealth, Jackson felt he had already done his part, but having money wasn¡¯t the true indicator of wealth; having time was.
I told Anya I¡¯d stay on the phone with her until she left, but she no longer appeared on the other end to hear my words. Fifteen minutes later though, she shot me a text.
ANYA: ¡°Sorry I had to go. I walked up but guess they r not quite done yet. Too loud in here to talk. Found a female on a bench so sitting down next to her. Feel safer.¡±
ME: ¡°It¡¯s ok. Wish I could be there with you.¡±
ANYA: ¡°Thank u. Just picked him up.¡±
Not only did she drive in hazardous conditions, but she felt physically vulnerable as well. I still considered a drive out to the indoor batting cage just to watch over her, until she told me she just picked him up. This whole episode only made me wish Jackson would confront me one day just so I could let him know this was why you know who I am.
ANYA: ¡°Just got home. Thx for listening. Goodnight babe. I love you.¡±
ME: ¡°Goodnight babe. I love you too.¡±
After all Anya shared with me, a great disappointment fell upon me when she went to bed abruptly on me. Her issue on this night needed to be addressed to Jackson, and not merely mentioned to me, but directed to the one responsible for them. I warned her to never use me to fill a void in her marriage, so she knew not to use me as a buffer so she could remain married to a man who¡¯s lack of knowing what love was led her to me. Her complaints presented on a platter the marital issues that not only poisoned her, but also provided her with the greatest reason for a divorce yet; especially if she wanted to keep his infidelities away from their kids. This was enough to bring us together as I felt a promise to at least ask for a separation should follow. She knew from the very beginning, I never agreed to be in her life for marital support. My love for her was not life support for her marriage. Now she had a real viable reason to, at the very least, ask for a separation, yet all she could say was ¡°Thanks for listening. Goodnight.¡±? After all I endured for her, her ¡°I must be tired¡± quiet response just rubbed me the wrong way after I was the one there for her, willing to be even more so if she needed me to. If she really wanted to be with me. If she truly wanted to wear my ring, here was the opportunity of a lifetime. And as I agonized over this, I guess Anya could sense I did.
ANYA: ¡°U ok?¡±
ME: ¡°I¡¯m fine. Just concerned about you, that¡¯s all. I love you.¡±
ANYA: ¡°I love u too. Thx for the ear.¡±
ME: ¡°R u really ok?¡±
ANYA: ¡°Yeah I¡¯m fine. It is what it is. I must be having an off week! Better say goodnight.¡±
There was not a greater phrase in the English language I despised more than ¡°it is what it is¡±. And even worse, she chalked it up to just having a bad week. If that¡¯s true, then she also had an off fourteen months. Was I just an ¡°ear¡± to her? She didn¡¯t share this with just one of her girlfriends, but the man she encouraged and allowed to be in her life for this very reason. After the last fourteen months, she could no longer look at this as being ¡°it is what it is¡±. The sun, the moon, their effect on the ocean, are the ¡°it is what it is¡± things in life. She was at risk. Her children were at risk. Anya had all the control in the world to eliminate those risks, and they held every reason in the world to leave her marriage. This marriage represented a false sense of security to them all. Even the Universe got involved and created enough of an economic recession that some of her employees were let go, so what was there left to hold on for if they lost their jobs anyway? The universe opened portals all around her to leave Jackson, yet in her eyes, all I could offer was an ear so she could hold on for dear life? Her ¡°it is what it is¡± statement also minimized my feelings for her, and my role in her life. A role I never assumed, but trusted was given to me for the sole purpose at times like, for her to find a reason to be with me. Instead, she found it better to sleep off after all the sacrifices I made for her happiness, more than my own. It was even harder to know, this complaint would be non-existent, if I were her husband. And even worse, the woman who wanted to wear my ring, didn¡¯t seem to care. As if she chose martyrdom after she allowed me to burn myself in the fire with her. The man she chose, the father of her children, the one she should shun yet refused to, decided instead to close the blinds on the man who cared enough to be there for her. So, she could just continue to lead a false life for the sake of her kids. An excuse I began to believe a little less each time I heard such complaints. If the safety of her and her kids weren¡¯t enough to leave Jackson, then I was now up against the devil himself.
When Saturday arrived, I hoped to be wrong as I held my breath, she talked with Jackson about her issue instead of merely ¡®Z¡¯ing it off. She needed to address it to see how he responded as it provided my most potent argument yet against staying for the sake of the kids, especially if their own safety is compromised. But when I didn¡¯t hear from her that morning, I texted her.
ME: ¡°Good morning! How r u this morning?¡±
ANYA: ¡°Good morning! Good! How r u?¡±
ME: ¡°Good too! What do you have going on today?¡±
ANYA: ¡°Kids.¡±
ME: ¡°Ok. Enjoy your day with the kids, babe.¡±
Her short response left me in a depressive mood, as I then prepared myself for a day of silence. As the day went mercilessly on, I stayed nailed down to my bed, unable to move as the silence of my four bedroom walls spoke louder to me than Anya. When I realized she did not pounce on the opportunity for us to be together, it left me broken inside; soulless. What I wouldn¡¯t have given to be able to run home from work to play catch with my son, even Andrew if I had the chance to, yet Jackson left that duty to his wife. Her assumed role was not only to drive Andrew to his games, but also to teach her son how to play baseball. Jackson hadn¡¯t gone to war, he ran his own business and even had the flexibility to make his own schedule to accommodate such a simple task. After she gave me the knowledge, she did the prior evening, I could no longer be convinced she should stay in her marriage for the sake of the kids. If she stayed now, it could only mean she didn¡¯t truly love me. That her love for me carried a hidden agenda behind it. That her ¡°I love you¡±¡¯s were only meant to manipulate and control me. If she could stay with Jackson, after she had every excuse in the world to leave him, she didn¡¯t love me.
As I stared at my ceiling, lost in silence, I noticed the light on my phone begin to blink.
ANYA: ¡°Goodnight u.¡±
ME: ¡°Goodnight.¡±
Negative emotions powered their way into my mind without discrimination as failed to reach her. That all the love I felt for her was all for nothing as hopelessness swallowed me whole. I then lit a candle and finished the third book in the Twilight saga ¡°Eclipse¡±, in an effort to feel close to her and to rid me of the negative emotions. As I held the bookmark she made me in my hand, I found no solace as the fact we only exchanged seven texts on this day left me deflated. The next thing I remembered, I woke up the next morning, the bookmark now under my right cheek, as my phone text indicator light blinked.
ANYA: ¡°Good morning!¡±
Her quick and easy, minus the dirty, ¡°good morning¡± text did very little to ease my mind as a new day arrived. I expected a quick and easy ¡°good morning¡± on a Monday morning but not on a Sunday morning. Something just didn¡¯t feel right to me, so I tried to extend our morning exchange.
ME: ¡°Good morning! What r u up to today? I finished ¡°Eclipse¡± last night. Have you finished it yet? Still can¡¯t get over all the beautiful things you did for me last week. Thanks again.¡±
ANYA: ¡°Finished? Wow! Still on 408. Stop thanking me! It was nothing! U give me too much credit! Just hanging w/the kids.¡±
After what Anya shared with me about her inequity in the marriage, I found less understanding as to why she was still there, especially with me in her life and all we¡¯ve shared. Taken into consideration her obvious disdain with Jackson, I found it unexpected she texted me much less after all she revealed to me. Now that Jackson seemed more like an absentee father at times, I felt more of reason to know what truly kept her there. Was her indecisiveness due to feelings she still had for him? Was it because of all the people they knew and the politics involved? Did she truly not believe in love? Did she know all we shared could never be because it lived outside the realm of possibility? Did she truly love me or were her words just strings on a marionette? There were just things my heart had to know as I refused to let her retreat into Sunday.
ME: ¡°Are your hormones back to normal now?¡±
ANYA: ¡°Ha ha! Hormones r back to normal!¡±
ME: ¡°Is Friday night now water under the bridge?¡±
ANYA: ¡°Hope so!¡±
She hoped so? How could she ever hope to be with me and hope for that at the same time?
ME: ¡°You hoped so?¡±
ANYA: ¡°Can¡¯t control mother nature.¡±
After all Anya and I shared, and even after it became painfully clear Jackson was not there for his son, a son who was born prematurely because of the stress he caused his pregnant wife with his infidelities, she still didn¡¯t have enough reasons to at least separate from him. A man who would lose an arm if he could change his past of unfaithfulness, still allowed his wife after a long day, along with their two kids he claimed to love dearly, drive in hazardous conditions at night to unsafe places. After all he did to chip away at her heart, he still lacked the empathy and the perception to see the wrong in any of this. I felt this lack of love, along with all the other acts he partook in before this one was made known to me, was every last good reason in the world to divorce the man. Her kids already thought she was unloving, so what reputation with them did she stand to lose by doing the right thing? If I wasn¡¯t in her life. If I wasn¡¯t the one in the middle of this chaos, completely removed I would tell her to do the same with the knowledge of the facts I had in hand. I didn¡¯t want to argue with her. I didn¡¯t want to text anything that would pressure her, but her inaction and silence didn¡¯t make much sense to me, and now was the time to play the hand she dealt me.
An hour later, I texted her with the hope mother nature would soon take its course.
ME: ¡°What kind of simple necklace would mother nature buy for herself?¡±
ANYA: ¡°Awww that is so sweet. I don¡¯t know what to say.¡±
For the next twenty minutes, I decided to be a mute on a San Francisco street, but something told me I wasn¡¯t going to care much for her next text in response to my silence.
ANYA: ¡°I don¡¯t feel right about asking when I can¡¯t promise u anything. I don¡¯t feel right about you spending money on me.¡±
Denise sent me an email over eight years ago. that ripped my heart completely from my chest. Here it was over eight years later, and Anya¡¯s text did the same thing as a cold sweat ran over me. This entire weekend seemed to present a Anya I did not know at all, but now I had confirmation. How could she tell me such a thing after all we had shared? Were my feelings for her okay to accept from me only because they weren¡¯t tangible? After I read her text, I couldn¡¯t move, as my hand trembled in desperation to not drop my phone. So many negative emotions spun through my head they rendered me senseless to respond, and when I made it to the restroom, my lunch all but disappeared into a ceramic bowl of water. She gave me twenty minutes of silence just to send me a text like this? This was no longer my Anya, this was a monster, maybe the beast himself. How could she tell me something like this after all I had already given her? Did my feelings, my heart, my entire life mean anything to her? After all I ever did for her, after all I ever felt, all she ever allowed and encouraged me to feel, she now felt guilty about spending money on her without a promise? Not even three days ago she was ecstatic about the receipt of a necklace from me. Told me she would wear it out every day close to her heart. Even ¡°touched¡± I would save for a ring and travels. Did she fall out of love with me this weekend? If so, could I trust she was ever truly in love with me? Now she suddenly didn¡¯t feel right about me spending money on her? What about the last fourteen months of my life? What about the next chunk of my life I would lose trying to understand this? I didn¡¯t want her to not feel right about me spending money on her. I wanted her to not feel right about me spending any part of my life on her. To lose any amount of money was nothing compared to the circle of hell I now found myself in. Her concern should have been on how much of myself I spent on her, and how much time I gave, not how much money a necklace would cost me. Money was just an earthly possession people lost everyday, but this was my life she took from me with her words. I couldn¡¯t believe what I read as I realized what she truly valued over all else. And it now left me to wonder one thing about Anya¡¯s true feelings; if it was okay if Jackson spent money on her. And from all I was ever told about him that allowed and encouraged me to be here, she should have communicated this to him as well.
ME: ¡°Do you and your husband exchange gifts on Valentine¡¯s Day?¡±
ANYA: ¡°Not anymore.¡±
ME: ¡°How long has it been since you¡¯ve exchanged gifts?¡±
ANYA: ¡°Years. Why?¡±
ME: ¡°Just curious.¡±
ANYA: ¡°If you must know we agreed a long time ago not to exchange gifts.¡±
I didn¡¯t know how to interpret this. Did they decide not to exchange gifts because of their marital rift or because every day should be Valentine¡¯s Day when you¡¯re in love with someone? I knew Any wouldn¡¯t cop to anything if I asked her, so I tried to coax it out of her.
ME: ¡°He tried to kiss you passionately just a few weeks ago. To me, that seems like he still loves you, at least what he considers to believe love is in his mind.¡±
ANYA: What are you trying to get at?
ME: I¡¯m just wondering if he buys you something each year anyway since he believes he is so in love with you?
ANYA: ¡°Please don¡¯t.¡±
ME: ¡°Anya, I find this to be a pretty simple question I¡¯m asking.¡±
ANYA: ¡°About what?¡±
ME: ¡°I figure he has to at least do something for you if he¡¯s so in love with you. He doesn¡¯t seem to be the type of man to accept that kind of non-exchange of gifts arrangement on Valentine¡¯s Day. Especially when he forced a passionate kiss upon you.¡±
ANYA: ¡°You¡¯re wrong.¡±
ME: ¡°Not looking to be right, babe.¡±
Her previous text that spurned my line of questioning still disturbed me. She had been silent all week, as it felt like she played a game with my heart and emotions. To tell me all she did about her husband after she knew full well how much I loved her and how much I wanted to be with he. She gave me the ultimate sense of false hope, and I had to know why. I needed to know the truth. She needed to be made aware that my peace of mind meant more to me than money. She could take all my money, but she had no right to take my heart.
ME: ¡°On Thursday, not even a few days ago you were willing to accept a necklace from me. Even told me you could ¡°wear it out everyday close to your heart if it was simple enough¡±, and now you suddenly feel weird about it? This entire weekend I¡¯ve not felt the love I usually feel from you, and we¡¯re talking just mere days ago. I would like to know what changed over the weekend? What are you thinking? I have a right to know.¡±
ANYA: ¡°Ok let¡¯s not go there. I¡¯m fine. You just put me through the ringer. I have mixed feelings all the time. I don¡¯t want to keep fighting with you! It¡¯s draining!¡±
ME: ¡°Let me make this perfectly clear.¡±
ANYA: ¡°What¡±
ME: ¡°The man you chose to marry has put you through the ringer, not me. What am I doing wrong by just asking you some simple questions?¡±
ANYA: ¡°By doing what you¡¯re doing right now! The questions and accusations! This is why I wanted the break! I missed the days when we were just happy to talk to eachother.¡±
ME: ¡°I miss the days when you didn¡¯t defend your husband after you told me the other night he isn¡¯t holding up his end of the marriage. Another reason I¡¯m in your life. From the very beginning I never agreed to be part of your life for marriage support and you know that. If that¡¯s what you¡¯re hoping to receive, you never will from me.¡±
ANYA: ¡°Don¡¯t you throw Friday night back in my face! How can I trust you to listen to my complaints? I have to go.¡±
ME: ¡°I understand now why you¡¯re a long distance runner. It¡¯s all you ever do. You run instead of facing the things you need to. Instead you run from it. The problem is you ran into me on the way.¡±
ANYA: ¡°Landyn, please stop.¡±
ME: ¡°The man cheated on you 4 times that you know of. This so called man, so called father, has told his beautiful wife, after he cheated om her no less, that he would trade her in for two 20 years olds when she turns 40. Then after he cheats on her, after she undergoes surgery which he claims ¡°should have been bigger¡± leaves her alone on a cruise ship while he goes out and parties with his buddies. Then I hear on Friday night that he lets the mother of his children, rush back and forth to get the kids, to take them to and from their activities, in hazardous conditions no less, kids that are his too, with no offer or even the courtesy of being aware of the peril in that. Like I said, I know that you¡¯re the sweetest person I¡¯ve ever met. What you did for me for my birthday spoke volumes about the kind of person you are but it also spoke volumes about the kind of person he is when I sum up all I know about him. Please don¡¯t punish me for fighting for the person I love, something you asked me to do. I don¡¯t care how much money he uses to buy the love of his kids, I¡¯m never going to support you staying with that jerk and if that¡¯s what you¡¯re looking for, I¡¯m sorry but you won¡¯t find that in me. I¡¯m not happy that you¡¯re still with him because of all you chose to share with me about him. Now that I know he hasn¡¯t been there for his son just killed me. I couldn¡¯t believe it and I heard the same feeling in your voice. When I hear your concerns I¡¯m on your side 150%, always. If you were being unreasonable in your complaints I would let you know, but so far you have never been. They are all legitimate.¡±
ANYA: ¡°He does play catch and practice w/him but not enough. I¡¯m not protecting him and defending his actions. I¡¯m protecting my kids. I don¡¯t want to fight anymore. I¡¯m thankful for your love and support.¡±
When Anya texted that to me, it told me in her own way, she understood my madness. That she understood how I tried to destroy a bad wire to construct and strengthen our connection. I was a passionate man, but never more passionate about anything else in life but her. It just frustrated me to no end at times, she could never see all I did.
ME: ¡°I miss you to death. I want to have love in your life everyday. A real love. The kind that makes you happy not sad. It gets the best of me sometimes.¡±
ANYA: ¡°I miss you too. Sad.¡±
It felt good to get some things off my chest about the weekend, but I couldn¡¯t deny the void our exchange left me with, as she admitted without admission that she planned to stay in her godforsaken marriage. It marked the first time I looked upon Anya¡¯s love for me as an act of evil. For her to ask me to fight for her and then stay, after all the things we shared, after I initially walked away to avoid this exact scenario I now faced, and to encourage me to be in this situation was a web only the most poisonous of spiders could weave. My torment mind could only look at it that way while my heart pleaded for its life. Where and why I stood in her life wouldn¡¯t allow me to look at this as for the protection of her kids, but rather her continued deception of them. As I tried to save her from her own grave, she only buried herself more and more with each day that passed as she continued to live an absolute lie. My heart tried to draw upon a mother¡¯s love, something she told me I could never understand, but I lost all respect for it in this situation, especially after all she told me on Friday night. The way I now saw it, this mother¡¯s love because of the absence of being truly loved, only put her kids in harm¡¯s way. Her marriage turned Anya into a rabid dog, who now foamed at the mouth, that needed to be put down, and could no longer be saved by anyone as I began to see a world, I could no longer be a part of.
The next day only brought more silence as even on a Monday I always expected as such, it still wrecked me inside. More than ever before, after she gave me the greatest day of my life for my birthday, a true testament of the truth within her, reality stole her away from me. As much as Anya convinced herself that she loved me, and even though I believed she did, I realized her form of love was no longer the same as mine. Anya had to believe in love in order to convince me to believe it was true, but now I lost trust in it. More so than anything, I lost trust she knew what love really was. There could be no such things as breaks from love when you really loved someone, but only more love.
At a quarter to one, she texted that she hoped I was having a good day, and I played along and wished her the same. The hard reality about her love for me was especially cruel when I realized her love broke my heart more times than Denise ever did. In the middle of busy season, with my career, and essentially my life, on the line, I couldn¡¯t afford another heart break. For months I thought I might be in trouble, but now I felt my life was doomed. That¡¯s this destruction could never lead to construction, but only my annihilation.
Later that afternoon, just a little after 4, she sent me another text.
ANYA: ¡°Not used to such silence.¡±
I wasn¡¯t used to it as well, but I wasn¡¯t used to the form of love Anya now showed me. A form of love that spoke this way to me only on weekdays when the kids weren¡¯t around and gave me a second face on the weekends when they were. A form that bound both hands behind my back after they were freed to fight for her, as if we were only just friends. She gave me the silent treatment this weekend without warning as she turned into someone I never knew, and all I did was follow her lead. Her form of love wanted a break, but its sole purpose was to only break my heart.
ME: ¡°I miss us.¡±
ANYA: ¡°Me too.¡±
Even as I sent her this, I lacked a definition of ¡°us¡± in her eyes. How could she love me so deeply then allow me to assume the role of homewrecker all because I wanted her to choose the right path? All these feelings she encouraged me to have, she now needed a break from, simply because she didn¡¯t want to deal with the truth behind them. As long as my love for her existed on her terms, in her everchanging form, then I could love her all I wanted to, but at arm¡¯s length. The only love she had for me was a love for herself; the same kind of love Jackson gave her.
As I tussled with the truth about Anya¡¯s love for me, I also struggled with my own truth. The truth I know faced; a cold empty lifeless existence, one I¡¯d never recover from. Money meant nothing to me. My partnership promotion just another admission to what our society and what this world was truly all about. It took me thirty-seven years to meet Anya, and to learn all I ever believed love to be, would only lead to my downfall. They say ¡°everything happens for a reason¡±, but I failed to see any reason here nor could I find any comfort in. There could be no reason for the cruelest of jokes played on a man who never gave up on love when he had every right to do so. As I faced my truth, my reality, I refused to succumb to death yet, as I took an emotional gamble and bet on some sunlight from behind the clouds; to believe beyond hope she had to know what love truly was all about. If I failed to not postpone my disappointment in her love for me, I would only commit suicide, so I dug deep to let some light through, in the hope my life wasn¡¯t over just yet.
ME: ¡°I understand why you¡¯re upset with me. You must feel sort of betrayed b/c u believed I understood the situation with the kids, and that¡¯s probably what u loved about me the most. I just hate to see you go through the motions. It¡¯s sad because you have the biggest heart in the world.¡±
ANYA: ¡°It is sad.¡±
ME: ¡°Your love is an amazing thing to feel and have. You will never know what it¡¯s like to be loved by you.¡±
ANYA: ¡°Thank you. I feel like my hands are tied sometimes.¡±
ME: ¡°I know it¡¯s hard on you.¡±
ANYA: ¡°It is. You know how much I love you.¡±
As I tried to keep hope alive, my mind began to overwhelm my heart so much so I couldn¡¯t lie to tell her I knew how much she loved me. Her form of love changed on me simply because I needed her. If someone truly wanted to be with someone, nothing would tie their hands behind their back, especially if they believed in love and they truly loved that person. Love trumped all. I seemed to learn more each day how she misrepresented herself when she first met me, as I began to feel misled by love¡¯s hands that would never catch me if I fell. I felt her texts the other day were the equivalent of a story I read the other day in the news. The story told of a road rage incident between a male and female driver. The man was so incensed, he got out of his car, and reached into hers to pull her dog out and into the oncoming freeway traffic. With her texts this weekend, I felt Anya reached inside my chest to discard my heart, as if it had no right to beat. How could Anya believe someone would want to fall deeply in love with her, experience all I did with her, only for the sake of falling in love?
When Tuesday, the tenth day of February arrived, I struggled to remove myself from bed as I wondered what the purpose of my life truly was if it wasn¡¯t meant to save Anya¡¯s. How an existing God allowed this to happen when this was the very reason I failed to believe. Instead of an opportunity to believe in his existence, he gave me more reasons not to. If He wanted me to believe, I needed an explanation of Himself to me and how his love allowed my mother to get Cancer. Did He think money drove me? I only threw myself into my career because the women in my life had thrown my heart into an abyss. I gave Anya everything I had, everyday. If that wasn¡¯t enough, I gave her more. I threw my entire heart and soul into loving her and all I received in return was ¡°I can¡¯t promise you anything¡±. She had kids before we met and even when she dated Lance, the romantic singer. Why did she give herself to the man who disrespected her and the ones who never did were made to suffer? More than anything I wanted to trust her. I wanted to believe her. I wanted to give her the benefit of the doubt. I wanted to be there for her without pressure until she figured it out. The problem was the truth; what was real and what was not. I wanted me to prove me wrong about her. I wanted to give her the chance to show me she would never put anyone through what I went through for her unless she planned to be with them. I didn¡¯t see this as an act of protection for her kids. If I was just a friend, and not her lover, I could understand, but her protection only represented an extension of a horrific lie. I wanted to see Anya as just an honest person in a dishonest situation, and not a dishonest person in an even more dishonest situation. I¡¯d never accept to be love sick enough to be fooled this greatly by anyone. I dotted my I¡¯s and crossed my T¡¯s and even crossed my X¡¯s to be on the safer side.
I went in this for all the right reasons, led with a compassionate heart and wore it bravely on my sleeve. I would never accept the role of a homewrecker, but only one of lifesaver. She only ever referred to me as her hero, and never a destroyer of lives. I gave her fourteen months to be honest but the longer she stayed, the more excuses she made. The more inconsistent she was with her love, the less I would believe, and the closer it would lead to the end of all I ever held dear and believed in, and quite possibly my own life.
The next morning at seven fifty a.m., Anya sent me a text, as any communication I received now surprised me.
ANYA: ¡°Thinking of u.¡±
ME: ¡°Always thinking of u.¡±
I noticed a trend from her at this time. How during the weekends, she had mixed feelings about us, but during the week when the kids were at school, her feelings were no longer as such. Her weekday feelings were the ones she should pay attention to as they mimicked the feelings of when she became an empty nester. When it would just be just her and Jackson. I truly believed, ultimately, Anya would leave her marriage. I felt when the kids left home, she would realize this wouldn¡¯t work for either of them. The problem I had was if she communicated this to me in the beginning, I would¡¯ve been able to understand her indecision better, and if I decided to fall in love, well, it¡¯s all on me for not listening. Her failure to do so, and to instead tell me she¡¯d be with me if she fell in love with me, didn¡¯t give me the chance to make the best decision for myself, and even for herself, by. If I at least received a promise, I could no longer question her love or intentions, but all she knew was she didn¡¯t know, but without a promise from her, I remained on a path of the misled.
What Anya protected from the kids, they would only eventually learn and would be less likely to hold a grudge against her if she came clean with them. Kids should never be mistaken for the blind and were more aware than adults gave them credit for. They didn¡¯t need braille to know something was wrong and could sense any tension around them. They even thought their own mother was unloving, and if she waited to divorce Jackson after they moved out, they would only feel betrayed and lied to all those years. Worst yet for Anya, they would have a right to feel that way. Their hearts would be more broken down the road than if they learned of their parents¡¯ separation today. Anya and Jackson both had to come to the realization that horse ranches and money wallpaper would not help their cause. They owed it to Katie and Andrew to be honest with them. To not patronize them or insult their senses, especially if one of them had a breakdown of any kind due to the stress the marriage heaped upon them through all the activities, they partook in to partially hide the marital woes from them.
Anya was not a bad parent. There was no manual for parenting. You usually drew from others the best advice you can obtain, and the rest was instinct. I surely wouldn¡¯t want anyone to be critical of me for the way I raised my kids, but when it affected your life as much as it began to affect mine, especially after I had grown so fond of not only her but also her children, it was hard to remain silent. Anya was a great mother and I didn¡¯t want that to get lost in translation, but I didn¡¯t just see, but felt, the mistakes she made, like all parents made from time to time. Overall though, she should be applauded, and not criticized because she truly put them above herself. I wanted Katie and Andrew to know how much they meant to her, but I was an honest man in a dishonest situation. A tough situation to be in I tried to avoid but was told I broke their mother¡¯s heart. I only came into their mother¡¯s life to makes things right for her, and I couldn¡¯t believe for a second, if she thought this marriage was the best thing for her kids, knowing more than anyone how much she loved them, she would¡¯ve ever allowed or encouraged me to be in her life. I just needed her to take my outstretched hand so I could lead her to the honest life that awaited her.
Later that afternoon, as I held a team meeting in my office, the honest life she needed appeared to me through a text message.
ANYA: ¡°Missing u terribly. Eyes r heavy. Want to cry.¡±
Anya¡¯s tears always changed the direction of the wind for me. I recalled her uncontrollable sobbing over my phone line when she was in Canada. The tears that fell over my thumbs when she came over my apartment to break up with me. I trusted her to never ignore her pain when I came into her life. She simply had no reason to anymore.
When I saw her text, I felt my own eyes begin to fill as I asked the team for five minutes to take an important call. They all nodded in affirmation, and on their way out they closed my office door.
At a time I needed to see her sadness, just to know it mirrored my own and there was still hope for us, she gave it to me. I didn¡¯t care if her tears came on a weekend or weekday, I only needed to know if they could still fall. When I got her text, I didn¡¯t know how to respond as love and concern filled me up. I loved her, and no matter how I felt, I only wanted to be proven wrong as I didn¡¯t want to be right about anything I feared. I wanted her to take ¡°my own truth and conclusions¡± I formed and shove them where the stars couldn¡¯t shine. She may have loved me with fifty percent of her heart, but I loved her with one hundred percent of mine. I would always try to catch this woman every time she stumbled and fell. I refused to give up on her even in my time of doubt, even when all the odds were against us because I believed her tears, although unseen, were real because of all we¡¯ve shared and been through.
ME: ¡°I miss you terribly too. I¡¯m here babe. I¡¯m not upset with you. Ok? I love you.¡±
ANYA: ¡°I love you too.¡±
ME: ¡°Are you working from home?¡±
ANYA: ¡°Yes.¡±
ME: ¡°I miss your kiss.¡±
ANYA: ¡°I miss your kiss too. I was thinking about when we just had our open lips to eachother.¡±
Her text brought me back to the many times I held her in my arms in bed, and we held heartfelt conversations as our lips touched. When I noticed she connected the word ¡°each¡± and ¡°other¡±, in the text, I thought it may have been a typo.
ME: ¡°I love breathing you. You¡¯re all I breathe anyway.¡±
ANYA: ¡°They are intimate moments. I miss them.¡±
ME: ¡°I could text you for over an hour about all the things I miss about you.¡±
ANYA: ¡°Wish you could show me for over an hour.¡±
ME: ¡°You know that could run well over an hour.¡±
ANYA: ¡°I know. I really miss you.¡±
ME: ¡°I really miss you too.¡±
ANYA: ¡°You¡¯re still my best friend, u know.¡±
ME: ¡°You¡¯re still mine too, babe. Just want to be with you too.¡±
ANYA: ¡°I¡¯m always with you in some shape or form.¡±
ME: ¡°I am too. I love you.¡±
ANYA: ¡°I love you.¡±
Just when I thought it was over between us. Just when I thought my formulations and conclusions held the truth about her feelings for me, she showed me her heart, and caught me as her tears saved my life. Whenever I felt it was over between us, Anya always found a way to resuscitate me, a magic only her love had. And although it seemed Anya feared a life without me as much as I feared a life without her, little did we both know our greatest test was just two days away.
A test that threatened to bound us to the cold reality of all we ever feared and to a world where only tears fell.
CHAPTER 34 ~ WHEN CHANGE IS NECESSARY
¡°The house is not the same
since we left it that day.
Old friends seem to wander.
Our parent¡¯s hands
Cigarettes, wedding bands
While they lied at night,
they lied at night, while they lied.¡±
¡°Cigarettes, Wedding Bands¡± ~ Band of Horses
ANYA: ¡°You don¡¯t even know how much I miss you.¡±
With every text she sent, she made it impossible not to fight for her happiness. Every bad thought melted away with every heartfelt worded text. An empath until the bitter end, I only knew empathy for her. She needed to see a shiny armored knight stood within her grasp, not the wounded animal whose low self esteem strangled the greatness out of him. The eleventh day in the month of February brought with her a second day of consistency; the Anya I came to love over the last fourteen months. Katie and Andrew should have no say in her decision to separate from their father simply because they did not know their mother¡¯s pain. I was the one who knew her pain, who knew the truth. Everything I ever wanted in life, I knew with absolute certainty was in the best interest of their mother, most notably her health and emotional well being. I wanted her to be around for many years so she could enjoy her grandchildren one day. To be around long enough to see them grow well into adulthood. If Anya remained a victim of her own self persecution, she would never last. Each time the sun rose, the threat she could be harmed or even killed in a car accident, with her kids in tow, was not just probable, but more than likely. I wanted to be wrong about all these fears I had for her and all the negatives about how and why I was encouraged and allowed to fall so deeply in love with her. I wanted everything known in the beginning and even the omitted, to never matter.
Anya had the ability to not only break my heart, but to destroy it irreparably. Yes, I could love again, but through her I knew what love felt like, and if I was picky before, I was beyond picky now. So much so, if I lost this love forever, a single day of loneliness would be one day too much. I could never ever make it back to the start. Like a man stranded out in the middle of a merciless vast ocean, with land thousands of miles away, on a one man raft. The sun could shine upon the water, to create a sparkling diamond sea of hope and the most beautiful sunset, but I could stare right into the sun but yet never see it because I¡¯d be unable to see beauty the same way again. Without her love, I knew I was done, and all I could do was hide how I felt from her because I wouldn¡¯t want her to feel any guilt for my destruction. After this journey, if I was abandoned, this road less traveled would come to a dead end.
ANYA: ¡°I would love to hear your voice later.¡±
When my work day finished, twelve hours after it began, I called Anya and we talked only of positive things. I didn¡¯t rehash what hurt so much as I only wanted to move forward; to keep the dream alive. Her sweet voice lifted my spirits as she seemed lively and energetic, and I fed off it for the entire twenty minutes we reconnected. Ten minutes after we ended our call, she even texted me.
ANYA: ¡°It was nice to hear your voice tonight. I miss u very much.¡±
ME: ¡°I can listen to you all day and night. Your voice makes me feel alive. I miss you in every way imaginable.¡±
ANYA: ¡°I love you.¡±
ME: ¡°I love you.¡±
Every time it seemed we were through, that she made her decision on us, she would come right back with more love than ever before. And each time she did, she only spoke more of the truth of her pain, and I planned to catch her every time. I¡¯d even take the blame for things I didn¡¯t feel necessarily were my fault. My own truth pained me as well as her indecisiveness exposed issues of my low sense of worth. A malady that plagued me for nearly my entire adult life. It opened lacerations I was never consciously aware of, as it brought back the failures of my past relationships. How I tried to avoid the pain this one could possibly bring me, before I made a decision based on the things she told me, to give us both a chance at happiness. Although entirely unintentional, I did punish her for my low self esteem issues, especially after all she did for my birthday, unlike anyone had ever done before. I truly loved her and I certainly cared about her happiness more than even she did.
To lose Anya, in any way, was now my greatest fear, equal to death. To imagine losing her in a car accident, because of the life she tried to maintain for her children, could put me in an early grave. If she were to die, I¡¯d want to be with her. Without her love, I could serve no further purpose here. Her smile alone gave me so much to live for, and I wanted to see it on her face for the rest of her days. I never wanted to taste nor see her tears again. She was too beautiful to have a single tear fall from her eyes, unless from joy. Short of killing someone, there was nothing I wouldn¡¯t have done for her. She gave me life as much as the sun gave to the earth and loved me into existence. I didn¡¯t want her to hurt even as I hurt and I didn¡¯t want her to suffer, even as suffered. I wanted her to be the best mom, emotionally and physically, to her kids. I wanted to praise her and heap it on her all day long, so she knew how special and rare she was as not only a mother, but as a human being. To me, there were not enough diamonds on earth that could compete with her value. I just wished she¡¯d take that step to forever and trust me to know we¡¯d make it together.
The next morning, now just two days away from Valentine¡¯s Day, she sent me a text.
ANYA: ¡°Good morning. Missed u last night.¡±
ME: ¡°Good morning. I miss you every night. How r u?¡±
ANYA: ¡°Lonely without you. How r u?¡±
Sweet and honest feelings from Anya set the tone for a focused day at work as I loved to receive them from her. Her sentiment ¡°lonely without you¡± captured every day of my life since I met her as it was nice to know we were back on the same page. I didn¡¯t want her to hold anything back at all from me because more than ever I needed to know how she truly felt. Why I continued to fight for her when all seemed lost, because I knew the truth within her. It would never be over until we were one.
ME: ¡°I miss u so much. You¡¯re my life.¡±
ANYA: ¡°I¡¯m sorry. I miss u so much.¡±
ME: ¡°You¡¯re the best thing in my life. You¡¯re only thing I ever look forward to. You never leave my mind. I miss u to death in every way.¡±
ANYA: ¡°I want to cry I miss u so much.¡±
ME: ¡°I wish I could tell you I haven¡¯t.¡±
ANYA: ¡°I¡¯m sorry baby.¡±
ME: ¡°I¡¯m sorry I hurt you.¡±
ANYA: ¡°I know. It¡¯s ok.¡±
ME: ¡°I love you forever.¡±
ANYA: ¡°I love you forever.¡±
I wanted to applaud Anya¡¯s efforts for protecting her kids, but those same efforts now held dire consequences for me. If she never allowed me into her life in such a deep way, I could appreciate her sacrifice for them, but her efforts to protect them now also destroyed me. If she was truly concerned about their protection, and without me questioning her intent, wouldn¡¯t she have to love Jackson to shield them? How could she be blinded to the wrong in Katie and Andrew¡¯s belief she was unloving? How did that particular assessment of her in anyway protect them? It could only make them wonder and question. And what about the times they did question her love for their father? Did she cave in and show Jackson affection? If that was the case, couldn¡¯t she see how it would make me feel after she loved me on such a deep level? How could she truly love me, if her ¡°protection¡± had no other purpose other than to hurt me and allow me to question her love for me? Just another detail about her life she failed to mention in the beginning.
As the day crawled on, and the missing intensified, I tried to stop the bleeding when I came home, after another twelve hour workday, and stumbled upon a picture she sent me. A picture of her in sleeveless red dress wearing a smile that rendered me breathless I had saved to my desktop computer. I set it as my default screensaver so I could see her beauty in some way shape or form as I realized the reason she sent it to me; for times like this. I then downloaded some of the CD¡¯s she burned for me to my iPod, and in turn, I burned some love songs to a CD I promised her. An hour later, Anya sent me a text to see how my day went and what I was up to.
ME: ¡°The day went pretty good. The firm gave me a few new clients for this year so although I¡¯m a little worried, it was nice to know they had faith in me to handle the new accounts. Since you asked, I just uploaded a picture of you and saved it as my default screensaver. Downloading music on my Ipod right now from the CD¡¯s you burned for me.¡±
ANYA: ¡°I¡¯m sure you¡¯re going to shine. I believe in you. Do you really have my pic up? You¡¯re too funny! Don¡¯t you love your Ipod? How did you ever go this long without one?¡±
ME: ¡°Thanks babe. Your belief in me means everything. Your encouraging words always inspire me and I¡¯m grateful for them. No kidding! Love my Ipod! I¡¯ve always been technologically behind the times. It¡¯s hard not to miss you babe so I had to put your pic up!¡±
ANYA: ¡°I¡¯m miss you too! I wish I had a pic of u but I can¡¯t keep it anywhere.¡±
ME: ¡°I understand babe.¡±
ANYA: ¡°I don¡¯t think a picture of you can make me miss you more than I already do.¡±
How could I possibly ignore this huge statement when I loved her so much? How could I just walk away from someone I loved with my entire being? How could anyone walk away from their soulmate? There were some impossibilities in life, and for me, this was one of them. Being her soulmate, I didn¡¯t have to witness her tears to know they were there. I didn¡¯t want her to just have a picture of me, but to have the greatest love any human being could give her on this planet. I learned now the greatest risk anyone will ever take in this life is to not only fall in love with someone, but to also give your soul to them.
ME: ¡°My heart belongs to you. It always will. I love you.¡±
ANYA: ¡°Thank u. I love you.¡±
Just like how the earth circled the sun, my love for Anya was natural and constant. If I could ever love anyone again, I could never love anyone more. I let her love inside to invade a heart I built a moated fortress around for years as I showed her love as great as the love she had for her children. Now, more than ever, I needed a promise. I needed to know if ¡°one day¡± existed for us. To know the love she felt for me, was really true love.
When the morning of thirteenth day of February came upon us, one day removed from V-Day, which seemed more like D-day for me emotionally, little did I realize the rising of the sun would also bring an early sunset. Late last night, after I finished my journal to deal with the loneliness I felt, inspired by her beauty and all the moments we shared together, I put my heart to text with our memories of fun times in mind. When Anya responded the following morning, little did I know the world I knew would shake underneath me.
ANYA: ¡°Good morning! We have so many good memories!¡±
After what I texted her the previous evening, I felt an unparalleled response, an apprehension that should never exist after all the love and all the missing we shared. A foreboding sense of fear of loss consumed me, trapped in a web of the ravenous spider that preyed on the mixture of my low self esteem and her cold indecision. And nothing could protect me from the onslaught of negative emotions as the spider of these emotions began to feast as I prepared myself for an even longer day at work.
Later that morning, however, Anya sent me a text that gave me hope the spider was only an aberration.
ANYA: ¡°How¡¯s your day looking? In Newport Beach at the mall now then to the office. Did u work late? I miss u.¡±
¡°How your day looking. I miss you¡± gave me hope she wanted to see me as she was near my office. With a now renewed spirit to feel her words of missing over the last couple of days were indeed prominent and real, I responded.
ME: ¡°I didn¡¯t work late at all. I wrote for a little bit then went to bed. The day is a bit hectic but good! I¡¯m in Irvine today. I miss you too. I hope you¡¯re having a good day!¡±
ANYA: ¡°Thank u! Have a good day!¡±
Her text left me even more sensitized about her morning response as I craved actions consistent with her desperate feelings for me over the last two days. I felt so connected to Anya, I sensed things before they even became known, born from a combination of love and fear. And I felt connected enough to know something just didn¡¯t feel right from her on this day. I didn¡¯t know exactly what it was, but I could feel its cold breath in the darkness. For her to be at a mall this early in the morning on a weekday was odd, even on a day she planned to go to the office. Could she have been picking something up for Jackson on Valentine¡¯s Day? As much as this remained a possibility, I tried to ignore the accumulation of all the various emotions associated with the greatest fear I¡¯ve ever known, as if today would be my final day of life. Regardless of all I felt, I had to service a new client and navigate through this darkness at the same time.
With every text I sent Anya, I put my heart and soul into, but if sent hers with any apprehension or other unexpected feelings she had towards me, then I would respond in kind, with the same apprehension. But I would always be there when the real Anya appeared, and an hour later, she did.
ANYA: ¡°It¡¯s been raining. Wondering how you¡¯re doing.¡±
ME: ¡°I¡¯m ok. I don¡¯t think the rain could make me miss you more than I already do. I miss you. How r u?¡±
ANYA: ¡°I¡¯m ok. I miss u very much. Still hectic at work?¡±
ME: ¡°Not really. This morning was, only because I had a meeting with a new client, and that kind of set me back on getting real work done.¡±
After I received Anya¡¯s text, I began to feel better, and scolded myself for my negative emotions as I punished her for a false narrative, I put together in my head based on my past. If our relationship had any real chance, I had to fight the demon of low self esteem, the one who blurred the truth with falsehoods. How women treated me in the past was not Anya¡¯s fault, and I couldn¡¯t rely on her to erase the bad memories with her love, but I did anyway because she had the power to do just that. Whenever I felt her loved failed, I naturally jumped to conclusions, to protect my heart even though it was far too late for it to be protected now.
Later that afternoon, I received another text from her that was consistent with her desperate feelings over the past couple of days, as the Anya I knew, the one I fought every second for, reappeared.
ANYA: ¡°Having a hard day. I love you.¡±
I tried to look at this through her eyes. Here we were, one day away from Valentine¡¯s Day, and she couldn¡¯t receive flowers from the man she loved, the man she missed dearly. It broke my heart to hear she was ¡°having a hard day¡±, as my love should be enough for her to never have any hard days. All I needed from her was to see a love for me consistent with all she ever showed and told me. The empath in me would never allow me to want to see her have a hard day of any kind, nor would it ever.
ME: ¡°I¡¯m sorry you¡¯re having such a hard day, babe. I love you too. It¡¯s not been an easy day for me as well.¡±
Then, like a scorched meteor that failed to dissipate in the atmosphere, her hard day hit the earth.
ANYA: ¡°You don¡¯t know. I found a letter today written by Katie. She forgot to save and close. My heart is ripped into a million pieces.¡±
ME: ¡°I¡¯m sorry. I don¡¯t understand.¡±
ANYA: ¡°I wrote you a letter today and sent it FedEx as well as a copy of the letter. I¡¯m a mess. I¡¯m barely breathing. You should get my mail by tomorrow. I love you.¡±
ME: ¡°Ok. I love you too.¡±
¡°What just happened?¡± I thought to myself as I tucked my phone away deep into my black slacks pocket. I wanted to call immediately but didn¡¯t know how to respond. She found a letter written by Katie? She wrote me a letter? Sent it FedEx? Her heart was broken into a million pieces? Why did she feel the need to write me a letter now after fourteen months, let alone send me Katie¡¯s letter along with it?
ANYA: ¡°U there?¡±
ME: ¡°I¡¯m always here, babe.¡±
ANYA: ¡°Call me.¡±
And when I did, Anya jumped right into the letter she found on her daughter¡¯s computer. I wasn¡¯t sure if she found it or her nanny did, as it seemed odd Anya would venture into Katie¡¯s room. And why she chose to do so seemed even more bizarre; a mystery I¡¯d receive an answer to the following day in the mail. Although I listened, I failed to recall many details of this particular phone call as her words let my greatest fear for us render me into an altered state. Without Katie¡¯s letter, I didn¡¯t know how to respond to all she tried to tell me anyway, as it seemed whatever she found on her daughter¡¯s computer in that letter, helped to relieve her from the burden of her indecision about us as she pitched this to me as the perfect excuse to stay in her marriage.
As Anya tried to further explain how the letter she found made her feel, she even tried to compare my own mother¡¯s decision to stay in her marriage with her own, but when I countered that my father never cheated on her, she followed up with ¡°how do you know that¡±? Anya¡¯s response told me she felt her marriage, regardless of the several infidelities, was as sacred as any other. In her abused mind, most people cheated, and hers was even more sacred because her husband copped to it, even though he no longer had the choice to lie. I wanted to tell her I knew my father never cheated on my mother because she never felt the need to take an ¡°all-girls¡± weekend trip to Mammoth, but I held off as I could tell Anya needed my ear more than my commentary, even though it affected me greatly as well. I had to get the facts first, and needed to read Katie¡¯s letter before I could agree or disagree. If I loved her to death, and I did beyond it, I owed her that courtesy.
Ten minutes after we ended a call, Anya sent me a text.
ANYA: ¡°You¡¯re the perfect man.¡±
Anya¡¯s words were sweet, but to a person who struggled with low self-esteem issues before she came into my life, this was a damage control text because there was no way anyone would let the ¡°perfect¡± anything get away from them.
ME: ¡°You¡¯re going to have a hard time convincing me you¡¯re a better mother, better parent, and better person if you stay with him. A hard time. If his actions and inactions have led you to fall in love with another man and for you to feel you weren¡¯t there for your kids. How is he the man to be with for anyone¡¯s sake?¡±
ANYA: ¡°I know.¡±
Her response surprised me. No pushback at all. So, I went further.
ME: ¡°He¡¯s done a lot of damage to you, Sweetheart. You probably don¡¯t want to admit that but when he said to you, to look at what you¡¯re doing to the kids, my argument will always be ¡°look at what you¡¯ve done to their mother¡±. I should not exist in your life babe, now or ever. I should not be receiving any thing in the mail tomorrow, and you should not be going through any of this at all.¡±
ANYA: ¡°I¡¯m sorry.¡±
Although I had to work from home this evening to reach my mandatory hour goal, my battle scarred mind knew I wouldn¡¯t be able to get my work done on this particular night. When I got home, I texted Anya to see how she was doing.
ANYA: ¡°I¡¯m at Debbie¡¯s drinking. Feel like crying again.¡±
ME: ¡°I¡¯m sorry babe. Wish I could be there to hold you. Did you tell her?¡±
ANYA: ¡°No baby.¡±
ME: ¡°Sweetheart, please don¡¯t be sad. Let me read her letter tomorrow so I can better understand all you¡¯re feeling right now. I¡¯m sorry if I said anything to upset you. I know you need my ear and I¡¯m here.¡±
ANYA: ¡°You have to know Katie. I¡¯m not saying it cuz she¡¯s my daughter. Actually, after you read her letter, you¡¯ll know her better than any other man. You¡¯ve seen a lot.¡±
After I read her last text, I had to wipe away a tear from my own eye that hit my phone screen as I imagined her with an unsteady hand as she texted this to me. I will now know Katie better than any other man? Even more than her own father? With her words I felt what had to be a first for a human being: to feel both special and heartbroken at the same time. Without actually knowing Katie, I knew her better than any other man through her mother. And for Katie¡¯s mother to recognize such a significant thing, provided me with even more justification in feeling all I did for both of her kids. Anya allowed me to know them intimately from afar, because she knew I cared about them too. That I wanted to protect them as much as she did. I never wanted them to know the truth about me or about the details of the relationship between their mother and I. I only wanted them to know one simple truth about this great tragedy between a mother and her children; why they thought the most loving person I ever knew in this world, their own mother, appeared to be unloving. A tragedy played out before my very eyes if they went through the rest of their lives believing that was true.
She¡¯s the only person I knew who could love someone naturally, almost without consciousness. She just had a way of loving someone, and even as she tried to bring an end to all we shared, I felt nothing but love and warmth, but I needed to verify her love for me and the capacity in her ability to love to feel secure, comfortable and safe. I carried no anger towards her at all, but rather towards the man who led her to me, which he did. Without a doubt, both directly and indirectly, Jackson was behind Katie¡¯s letter, as I believed he set Anya up for her to find it.
ME: ¡°Of course I love them in a different way, but I¡¯m just as fond of them as I am of you because of all you¡¯ve shared with me. I care about them too, babe. I don¡¯t want them to get hurt. They¡¯re innocent here.¡±
ANYA: ¡°I love you so much. Dying inside.¡±
ME: ¡°Please don¡¯t be sad, babe. I love you very much too.¡±
ANYA: ¡°I guess never say never. That¡¯s all I have to hang on to. It¡¯s my hope.¡±
When she texted me ¡°never say never¡±, I smiled and breathed a little easier to know she refused to give up regardless of what was on its way to me.
ME: ¡°It¡¯s my hope too. I will always love you, anyway.¡±
ANYA: ¡°Thank you for loving me. Goodnight. I love you.¡±
ME: ¡°Be safe and get some rest babe. Goodnight. I love you too.¡±
For all those times I had gotten down on her love, I now got down on myself. How could my past low self-esteem issues have allowed me to question her intentions and love for me for even one day? Even at our most hopeless hour, as tears raced down her cheeks against time, she found ¡°never say never¡± within her for me and for us; the hope I needed to fight for her, and I refused to let the last fourteen months just go to waste for either of us. We had come too far and opened up so much that no one knew us better than we knew each other, to just give up. Even in my most hopeless of moments, I never quit anything in my life, and I refused to quit life unless the universe wrested control away from me.
I laid in my bed and imagined a sun glistened guillotine blade above me as I waited for my unexpected fate to arrive the following day. Emotionally exhausted as the stress of my mental job in the form of an additional work pile exacted its toll on me, I found a stray Vicodin pill on my night stand. In the silence of my candlelit room, I waited forty minutes until the pill took some of the emptiness I felt away. But all the world¡¯s opiate supply could never stop the arrival of Katie¡¯s letter. Instead of sending me her heart on Valentine¡¯s Day, she instead decided to send me a heartbreak under seal. How could this letter possibly break my heart? A heart that¡¯s already broken?
I then rose from my bed of needles and went straight for the bathroom mirror. I looked into the mirror and imagined it was her beautiful face before me, instead of my own. And even as impossible it was to ignore the huge gap in contrast, I released all that writhed within me to fight for her, to resolve the burden of her indecision. Things I always wanted to tell her face to face rather than over an electronic line that only kept us apart.
¡°I think you need to understand some things.¡± I spoke through my heart to an audience of one. ¡°You have to realize it¡¯s not me that is making you run out of the house nor is it your duties of being a mother; it¡¯s your marriage and the unhappiness with your life. You feel you¡¯re not there for your kids not because of me, but because of your marriage and your unhappiness with it. I don¡¯t understand how staying will make that any better. I also would like for you to not only look at the way you feel about your kids today, but more so how you will feel tomorrow, when they are all moved out of the house, and it¡¯s just you and the man you no longer love. You¡¯re teaching them your marriage is normal when it¡¯s not, and you¡¯re not teaching your kids about foundation of any marriage; the meaning of love. Katie is never going to tell you a guy is mistreating her or disrespecting her because she wants you to like him, when in actuality the man you trust to take care of her is a jerk. Would you want Katie to marry a man like your husband and end up being as unhappy as you one day? Is that what you want for her? Every kid that goes through a divorce are always going to feel they are the cause. It¡¯s a normal feeling they will have. Duping your kids into believing everything is fine when it really isn¡¯t, is not right, Anya. It¡¯s like you¡¯re playing a mind game with them, and they might resent you for it if you ever decide to leave, even later. When you brought up the scenario with you and my mother, that¡¯s the problem with your thinking right there, and I¡¯ve discussed this with you several times. It¡¯s not me versus the kids. It¡¯s me and the kids. You aren¡¯t picking me over them in any way shape or form. You¡¯re choosing a better life for yourself and for them. You¡¯re choosing to be a better person. You¡¯re choosing to be a better mother. Don¡¯t think you¡¯re not hurting them by staying and living a lie. If you¡¯re not happy, your unhappiness will be reflected upon them, and I can¡¯t ever see you being happy in your marriage after all we¡¯ve shared. It¡¯s not me versus your husband. I won that battle well over a year ago. It¡¯s only me versus your marriage. It¡¯s only me versus your unhappiness. I would like you to seriously consider asking him for at least a trial separation to see how your kids respond to it. This would force him to take an active part in the lives of his children, too, and to not just show up for games and competitions. Be true to yourself, babe. Don¡¯t choose to live a lie. It¡¯s your marriage to this man that leaves you burdened with unhappiness, not me. Please don¡¯t do this to us.¡±
My shoulders then slumped as I stared at into empty bathroom sink, a reflection of myself from the inside as I emptied my night¡¯s dinner into it.
Although I had a good idea, I still didn¡¯t know what to expect when my letter arrived. I struggled to understand how she assessed that her happiness was the problem. After all she endured from her husband¡¯s selfish acts of unfaithfulness, she also had all the evidence in the world through both myself and Lance, to know what he did was not only incomprehensible, but tragic if she felt her general happiness in life should never be. A wife¡¯s greatest need in any marriage, was the safety provided to her by her husband, so how could she ever be judged for desiring a true sense of safety? To always know she was truly loved and cared for? Our relationship wasn¡¯t just about her happiness, it was about a basic human need in any marriage. The need to feel loved. The need to feel appreciated. The need to feel safe. The need to feel she was never alone. Jackson should have been willing to lose an arm ten years ago, and not when he found out she was in a relationship with me. The man cheated on his wife and family when he was forty years of age. Not at a time when he was still trying to figure himself out because he got married at a young age. To date a woman who was still a teenager, while he was in his thirties, told me manipulation was at the forefront of any relationship he wanted with her. He could easily pull the wool over her eyes because of his experience, and one could more easily tell he still attempted the tugs on heartstrings to this very day. The ¡°loss of an arm¡± was said due to an unexpected event; the realization she didn¡¯t need his love because she found a true one. And he would always hate me for shining the light directly on my soul so she could find her way to me. I knew this one universal truth about bastards like Jackson; these blood thirsty tigers never changed their stripes for anyone, and eventually, once he removed me from the picture, or laid the guilt heavily enough for Anya to do it herself, he would cheat again. And if Anya wanted to truly protect her kids, it made no sense to wait for that to happen. Jackson could attempt to kiss his wife passionately. Kiss her on the cheek. Hold her hand around the kids. Make love to her every night, but this simple truth was undeniable, the only person Jackson truly loved was himself, and as long as she had me in her life, he couldn¡¯t fool anyone anymore, even the people he wanted to fool the most, his children. I knew what love meant. I knew all it stood for. Most of all, I knew the greatest, most difficult truth of all about love; it never cheated because it never dared to jeopardize its loss.
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Was cheating the new normal now in marriages? Was that why Anya was willing to live with it before she met me? Both your unconscious and subconscious minds, always needed to be in alignment with your conscious mind when such decisions are made. If you felt compelled to approach another man in a bar, and keep up a conversation about love for a minute, let alone two hours, you were never truly willing to stay married or you found a miracle in someone. Anya may have not been consciously looking, but her subconscious and unconscious mind were on the prowl, and her initiation with me on that beautiful evening, if her prior relationship with Lance didn¡¯t offer enough proof of her unhappiness with her willingness to stay, should have been all the evidence in the world she needed to realize she wasn¡¯t willing to accept anything Jackson did. The need to feel safety from someone who gave her true love, and all the other things she ever trusted her husband to give her, could never be wrong in any situation. Our society had no right to criticize the universe, especially an ignorant one ripe of hypocrisy, in which we were all complicit in and a part of.
On Valentine¡¯s Day, one that painfully fell on a weekend this year, a day when most people who felt love received it, I could only wait on heartbreak to find me as Anya sent me a text early that Saturday morning.
ANYA: ¡°Ur still my only Valentine. I love you.¡±
Her text brought a smile to my face, as it brought with it a glimmer of hope. That she meant ¡°never say never¡± when she told me the prior evening.
ME: ¡°I love you. How r u?¡±
ANYA: ¡°Passed out early from drinking and exhaustion but got up super early and couldn¡¯t go back to sleep. Can¡¯t imagine life without you.¡±
Her ¡°can¡¯t imagine life without you¡± rippled throughout my entire body as my hand began to tremble, as I typed a response to her hopelessness.
ME: ¡°You must be ok with it.¡±
I hated to respond the way I did. I knew she hurt too, but she was at the wheel of our pain.
ANYA: ¡°Ouch.¡±
I didn¡¯t mean to hurt her more than she already hurt, but I expected a response from her in line with her ¡°never say never¡± text from last night. When she didn¡¯t, from my perspective, she seemed fine with her decision, but the problem was, after all we¡¯ve shared, I simply wasn¡¯t fine with it. A love like this didn¡¯t come our way, everyday.
ME: ¡°It¡¯s ok though because you¡¯re blinded by fear. So, you diagnose me as the problem but not the marriage.¡±
ANYA: ¡°I never said u were the problem.¡±
ME: ¡°I know, but you¡¯re doing the things you¡¯re doing b/c of your marriage and your unhappiness with your life. By letting me go you¡¯re in essence saying ¡°Landyn is the problem¡±. You¡¯re refusing chemo and now plan to fight cancer with more cancer. You¡¯re just scared, babe. It¡¯s normal. I don¡¯t want to imagine life without you because I can¡¯t.¡±
ANYA: ¡°I¡¯m letting go for u.¡±
I knew I had to be careful here because I was wrong about this one time before, but if that was true, how come I didn¡¯t feel that way? If anything she did involved my feelings, shouldn¡¯t I be made to understand she is letting me go for me? I couldn¡¯t deny I felt differently, that she was letting me go because she didn¡¯t want to face anything. What she now did for me, did nothing but break my heart. As hard as this was to accept, I also didn¡¯t want to cross the ¡°being a mother¡± line. I had to respect Anya had a daughter she loved dearly, and I didn¡¯t want to lose focus and argue with her about something a great mother should do. Her love and worry for Katie right now, had to come into play before I could mention how much this hurt me.
ME: ¡°I know. Let me read the letter first babe.¡±
ANYA: ¡°I love you.¡±
ME: ¡°I love you too.¡±
ANYA: ¡°I miss u. I miss us.¡±
ME: ¡°We were made for each other.¡±
ANYA: ¡°I know.¡±
Like the military parent who awaited word about their son and daughter from overseas, I waited for fate and destiny to arrive, but in a Fed Ex envelope. I still didn¡¯t have further clarity, or the clairvoyance enough, to know how I¡¯d react when I read it as I still wondered all it contained, and her reasons why. I wanted to see if this was truly about letting me go for me by itself, but again, her relationship with Katie was also important to me; it had to be. I found it to be a a selfish act on my part if I didn¡¯t factor that in to the equation, even though Anya always led me to believe, when she wrote out her pros and cons list months ago, that all she needed was my love to leave. Everything else that followed, caught me by complete surprise.
At around four that afternoon., the front desk called me about a package I needed to sign for. With a great deal of reluctance, I ventured to the apartment complex¡¯s office and recalled all the times Anya greeted me at the door, and not a Fed-Ex delivery person. After I signed for the envelope, I walked back with it in my hand to my apartment, in complete acknowledgement, it was usually Anya¡¯s hand in mine. Even as I imagined the good times we shared when we held hands back to my place, with the great anticipation and wonder of a child, but these thoughts did little to soften the blow to come. When I got inside my apartment, I sat down in my recliner and immediately tore apart the envelope, as a swath of nervousness came over me. Before I read, as I ignored the hunger pains from not being able to keep anything down since she told me the news that prompted the letter I know held, I couldn¡¯t help but think about how lonely my Saturday nights usually were and how great the loneliness would feel tonight, on Valentine¡¯s Day, a night she would probably be out in. And my heart started to break even before I started to read the envelope¡¯s contents.
Anya¡¯s letter to me was the first one I saw, so I decided it would also be the first one I read.
Dearest Landyn,
I am trembling as I write this letter to you. I¡¯ve been crying for hours and finally built up the strength to write you. I found a letter on Katie¡¯s computer today. Please read it and you will understand. I had no idea what Katie was going through last year. I blame myself for not being there for her emotionally. I blame myself for not coaching her. Now I know my daughter would blame herself if I were to leave no matter what I tell her. I can¡¯t live with that. This is a letter of a 13 year old girl, my girl. I¡¯ve never felt so much pain and guilt. I¡¯ve decided for Katie and Andrew I have to stay. I¡¯m giving up my life today for them. I feel like I just took my life. I know you won¡¯t understand and you never will. Please don¡¯t hate me. I don¡¯t feel alive anymore. I¡¯m numb. My eyes are so swollen I can hardly see my writing. Please know that I fell in love with you and I love you with all my heart. I will always love you.
As my best friend, I¡¯m asking you to do something for me. Please help me and let me go. I love you and I can¡¯t quit you so I¡¯m asking you to quit me. Please make me go and leave you alone. I need you to be strong for me. I¡¯m going to want to talk to you and see you. I beg you to please stop me when I reach for you. I still don¡¯t know what is to become of my future. I can¡¯t promise because I simply don¡¯t know. Since I can¡¯t promise, I have to go. I have to let you go and find your future. I want you to find your happiness and love again even if it¡¯s without me. I will be left behind to never have that again, but if you can find that again I¡¯d be happy. Landyn, I love you. I have to do this for my kids. I¡¯ve always been honest with you. I never meant to hurt you.
Here are some promises for you:
I promise I love you.
I promise I always will.
I promise to take care of myself.
I promise to be the best mom.
I promise to call you if I leave.
I promise to understand if you find someone new.
I promise to be your best friend even if just by phone.
I love you forever, Landyn.
Anya
I put down her letter and felt as numb as she did. As much as I tried, I could not fully understand her letter at all as it was laden with contradictions. ¡°read the letter and you will understand¡± versus ¡°I know you won¡¯t understand and you never will.¡±. Not one time did she mention she was letting me go for me, but for her. In fact, she asked me to quit her, because she couldn¡¯t quit me. I wanted to respect everything she wrote to me, but I lost faith in why she sent it to me. A part of me knew this was real, but another part of me knew she got close to me because she knew this would play out this way one day, and she asked me to fight for her to prevent this kind of letter being written. I would have rather she written me to tell me she is going to work on things with Jackson because a letter like this would make more sense to me. I then decided to read Katie¡¯s letter next, which wasn¡¯t really a letter after all, but rather an essay she wrote for class. It then made more sense why Anya felt compelled to end us; because Katie gave her essay to her teacher and classmates, a signal that threatened to end the fa?ade she worked on for years.
Katie¡¯s essay was titled ¡°My Life¡± as it chronicled her life over the last two years. The theme of her essay was ¡°change is necessary for growth¡±, and it astonished me that a girl just thirteen years of age carried wisdom beyond her years, and the ability to provide advice to someone well beyond her age who could really use it. When she wrote she had been ¡°a dancer her whole life¡±, I smiled, because she was only thirteen, but at that age, thirteen years seemed like a lifetime. She talked about things Anya had shared with me about her life, how she was handpicked for a prestigious ballet program and how she spent over twenty hours a week at the dance studio for six months during the school year. She then went on to say her parents and teachers told her the seventh grade was ¡°an important year to do well academically¡± if she wanted to get into a ¡°selective high school program¡±. She then went on to write how her parents had strong feelings toward the magnet program, the one in the bad part of town, and if she got anything less than an ¡®A¡¯ on a report card, she would be ¡°in for it¡± when she got home. I then recalled how Anya gave me the impression the choice of high school was up to Katie, but through her essay, it seemed Katie really had no choice at all. If she had a missing assignment, her parents would not let her do anything on the weekend, and again I smiled because little did Katie know, its what good parents did. She then went on to talk about the pressure she felt from her parents, and I had to laugh when Anya complained whenever I pressured her by wanting her to be with me, as I learned both instances of pressure could only come from a place of great love.
She further noted she became jealous of her friends who seemed destined to go to the school she wanted to go to because it seemed they had easier lives, as she pointed out they didn¡¯t have to get perfect grades, undergo secret ballet training, disciplinary parents and Bat Mitzvah preparation, and then try to find a balance in it all. As I read this, I actually felt bad for both Anya and Jackson simply because Katie was too young to see what her parents already knew about the world that awaited Katie. They just wanted her to be successful in life and to never struggle as it became more difficult, but as I read further, what I always feared for Katie came to fruition; that all this pressure heaped on a fragile thirteen-year-old, caused her to break. She felt like she had no say in what she could and couldn¡¯t do, and I even saw this parallel in Anya who experienced it through our love, as I struggled with the decisions she made in the midst of our very serious relationship.
Katie felt her future had already been mapped out for her, but again, I felt this was a result of Anya and Jackson being good parents, but they also had to come to grips with was the reality that Katie was entitled to a voice in the matter too. After all, when they were both dead and gone, it was her life to live. She then revealed her mental breakdown, and it broke my heart to read of her struggle as she detailed her own sabotage to derail her parent¡¯s plans for her along with her needed grades. When I read ¡°I know this isn¡¯t what life is supposed to feel like¡±, my heart pained even more, because she was so right as I felt the problems in the marriage lent to this added pressure to be perfect, as they tried to hide their own imperfections from her. She said she failed almost every test and even forged her parent¡¯s signatures on everything, then cheated and lied to them. Her grades fell from A¡¯s to C¡¯s and then to D¡¯s as she claimed she started to hang with a ¡°wrong crowd¡±. As I read this part, it didn¡¯t seem like Anya wasn¡¯t there for Katie at all, the reason why Anya felt guilt about this, but rather the opposite. Her parents were there for Katie, but Katie lied to them, so how would Anya know? I found it ironic how at the same time, Anya lied to her daughter about her own struggles and unhappiness as Katie¡¯s problems seem to be a microcosm of her own mother¡¯s. All I could think about as I read this was Katie¡¯s recurring theme of ¡°change being necessary for growth¡±, and it only drove the point further home why Anya didn¡¯t heed her daughter¡¯s own message, and couldn¡¯t change her marriage so she too could grow.
Katie went on in further detail about how she made the decision to care more about a social life than dance/ballet and school. In response, Anya started to take some privileges away from her, like any good parent would do. She even said everyday she would yell and fight with her parents about what she was becoming, and again my heart broke, but for Anya, who I knew more than anyone how much she loved her daughter. My heart broke also broke again for Katie who tried to break away from the mold casted for her to figure out who she really was, and what she really wanted in life. She then wrote something that really took me aback; that her parents were ashamed to talk to Katie¡¯s grandparents and relatives about her, as I saw the power of culture come into play, and how academic performance was such a source of pride. As I read further, I began to understand a little better what Anya faced, as I¡¯m sure they judged Anya¡¯s skills as a mother based on how well Katie and Andrew did academically, a sign of discipline. Katie then claimed adults would talk about her and told how word got back to her mom that they didn¡¯t realize she was such a ¡°bad kid¡±. Katie further explained how this hurt her mom who always tried to build a good family name. I could see how this affected Anya, and how it brought to light what she faced for me, as I needed to know this to understand her struggles with me. I took a step back to think about the fa?ade as I felt if Anya cared so much about the ¡°family name¡± did she truly have any plans to ever leave? I felt bad for Anya about this predicament, but at the same time it upset me because she allowed me to love her so much that now to understand this, is to understand she used me to fill a void in her marriage. I also felt bad for Anya because Katie¡¯s breakdown wasn¡¯t a fair assessment for these parents to question Anya¡¯s parenting skills. If anything, it only should¡¯ve shown how hard she worked as a mother to push Katie be successful in everything she did. Kids were kids, and they did not know what lied ahead of them in this world, but every person, I don¡¯t care who you are, will eventually go through a crisis period at some time in their life, and for adults to say such a thing to Anya about Katie, was very judgmental and unfair to Anya. And the big question was, where was Jackson in all of this? How come he isn¡¯t be questioned? Oh that¡¯s right, he wasn¡¯t around to take the backlash, but always there to receive the credit. Just another inequity in their marriage, just one other things no one knew about but me.
Then Katie revealed something that spoke louder than any of Anya¡¯s ¡°I love you forever¡± ever could; that her parents would argue over how to handle her and she overheard her mother threaten to divorce. Anya had a way of showing her love without ever showing it, and not once did she tell me she threatened to divorce Jackson in any argument they had. The fact she never went into any detail about it with the man she was in love with shocked me to no end. Not only did she threaten to divorce Jackson, Katie also wrote of the times Anya would leave at night and not come back for a few days because she thought she was so upset with her. She claimed no one knew where she would go, but one thing was clear; Katie blamed herself for what she didn¡¯t know what truly made Anya leave and threaten divorce; her unhappiness with Jackson¡¯s gross disrespect of her heart. It broke me into pieces to read that Katie blamed herself for things she was not responsible for in any way, and for the first time I was truly disgusted with Anya¡¯s parenting, to allow Katie to go to bed at night blaming herself for problems in the marriage. I felt that was Anya¡¯s only mistake as a parent. I couldn¡¯t understand how Anya could let her go to bed at night with such a burden on her mind and believe it gave Katie a sense of safety. After I read this, it made even less sense for Anya to stay now more than ever before. And if Anya was capable of doing so, she had to love Jackson in a way that she couldn¡¯t have meant any of the promises she made to me in her letter.
At the end of her essay, Katie went on to state her regrets and how awful she felt for the turmoil she believed caused her parents to argue. She then felt like a ¡°lonely person¡± because all of her friends chose not to associate with her, and that made me even more sad for Katie. She then reiterated how change was necessary for growth and how it only created additional change; I couldn¡¯t have agreed with her more. She then made changes in her life to right the wrongs as she tried to repair the broken friendships around her. She compared her struggles to a vaccination, how sometimes you have to put the bad bacteria in the body to build up an immunity to it so your body could get strong enough to fight it off. She acknowledged she had to make decisions on her own, in order to know the difference between right and wrong as she felt she gained wisdom to prevent something like this happening to her ever again. Another thing she wrote in closing, that I found deeply insightful was once you let others influence you and make decisions for you, you will lose more of yourself each day as this was something, I tried to get through to Anya each day as well.
Although Katie wasn¡¯t my daughter, and she never could be even as a future step daughter, I cared for her as if she was my own. I¡¯m sure this essay killed Anya to read, and her reaction to it was entirely justified. I couldn¡¯t imagine the horror Anya must have felt when this was turned over to the school¡¯s teacher as it exposed her greatest fears as a parent. Anya had to also understand it hurt me deeply to read on a great level as well because I cared for them both. Little did I realize when I first met Anya, that my decision to date her, even when Anya told me all she had to do was fall in love with me for her to leave, would affect Katie and Andrew¡¯s life as well. Everything I believed about Anya¡¯s marriage through the unhappiness she showed me every single day for the last fourteen plus months; Every reason I felt this marriage was wrong for both Anya and her children, Katie turned my theories to facts with keystrokes. Katie said it herself and even furthered Anya¡¯s cause when she wrote, ¡°change was necessary for growth¡±. Why couldn¡¯t Anya incorporate this, Katie¡¯s own thoughts and words, to explain to both Katie and Andrew her reasons for separating from Jackson? If Andrew looked up to Katie, certainly Katie could help him out with his reservations upon hearing their mother¡¯s explanation. This entire essay was a testament to how the marriage affected her children. How through her unhappiness and her own lies, Anya provided a false sense of safety and ultimately, the guilt she felt after she read her letter that she wasn¡¯t there for Katie. I felt she overreacted to Katie¡¯s manifesto, and with it being an essay, and not an actual letter, Anya feared the fa?ade of her marriage was on life support in the face of outsiders as she tried desperately to keep it alive with the false belief it protected her kids. But how else would a mother react to this?
I wanted to respect Anya¡¯s wishes. In fact, I needed to if we had any chance after this. It didn¡¯t mean I gave up on us, but if this is what she wanted, then what could I do? I didn¡¯t want Anya to carry guilt in her heart about Katie. Even though I believed this would have happened regardless of our relationship, but in consideration of the Korean culture she attempted to please as well, Anya had a lot of undue pressure. most parents didn¡¯t have heaped on them, to keep her kids academically successful. I knew one day though, Anya¡¯s unhappiness with her marriage would be reflected upon her children, and Katie¡¯s breakdown came as no surprise. This essay gave me even more ammunition than ever for Anya to leave her marriage as this illustrated the reality of her situation, and even more so, the truth. In the same breath, I felt Anya¡¯s allegiance to her culture played a huge role in her staying with an abusive husband, but again, this was something she should have made me aware of in the beginning of our relationship. Now, I found this difficult to understand even as much as I wanted to because I truly loved her. The tragedy of this all, it seemed for my own heart¡¯s sake, was Anya thought every man out there loved just like her husband did, and she couldn¡¯t believe I was a man of my word, and nothing even close to him.
On that one beautiful evening at Sonomas, when we were alone in our ¡°office¡±, when she looked up to me with both the greatest fear and love in her eyes, and asked me if I would fight for her, I never imagined when I said ¡°yes¡± that I would be fighting with her, and not for her. But the things she decided to omit from me in the beginning, now led me to a place where I had to fight, but for my own life. If we didn¡¯t make it, after all of this. I would never trust in love again. I would never trust the words ¡°I love you¡± from anyone, even with ¡°forever¡± attached, if this did not work out. I was now almost forty years old, not twenty one years old. All the lessons love could teach me were now finished. I initially walked away from Anya because I didn¡¯t need any more lessons, especially one like this. I trusted her to know what ¡°I love you¡± meant, and to leave if she fell in love with me like she promised, and not continue to lie to her children, especially after she told me another man left her because of them. After I read Anya¡¯s letter and Katie¡¯s essay, I reached out to Anya to provide her with support and comfort, regardless how broken I felt.
ME: ¡°I could never in a million years ever hate you. Katie¡¯s essay was brilliantly written. I read it a few times. I would like some time to put together my thoughts. I¡¯m not mad at all. After I tell you how I feel, I will let you go not because I want to, but because it¡¯s what you asked of me.¡±
ANYA: ¡°Thank you. I really appreciate it. I¡¯m thankful and relieved you don¡¯t hate me. I don¡¯t want you to let me go but I feel that is the right thing right now. I¡¯m a mess.¡±
ME: ¡°I understand, babe.¡±
I really needed some time for myself to absorb it all. My thoughts and feelings were a bit raw and I didn¡¯t want to fuck this up, and also be considerate of how much this rattled her. Even though I wasn¡¯t a mother, and not in the same boat, I loved her to much not to respect her feelings whether I agreed with them entirely or not. At this particular moment, to remain mum on my own thoughts and feelings about her decision was the best thing to do right now as well.
ANYA: ¡°Now you know Katie better than any other man. She breaks my heart.¡±
For her to admit I knew Katie better than any other man, even more than her own father, was a significant statement and only added to my list of reasons for her to leave Jackson. I felt it when she invited me to her recital, and I felt it even more so at this moment.
ME: ¡°I¡¯m not even her parent, but she makes me proud and breaks my heart all at the same time too. Please don¡¯t beat yourself up, babe, she would have experienced this in her life at some time and you would have never known. In actuality though, you did know because she mentioned you punished her for poor grades and missed assignments. I think it¡¯s better she went through this now than later.
ANYA: ¡°I agree.¡±
ME: ¡°Without you even knowing it, you made her a stronger person by pushing her to the limits. If that¡¯s not being a good parent, then I don¡¯t know what is.¡±
I wanted to be so supportive of Anya¡¯s decision, but I just couldn¡¯t be completely sold on Katie¡¯s ¡°letter¡± because of all I¡¯ve endured for her happiness. I felt Anya did know about these things because her grades slipped, but not in the detail Katie wrote of. There was this huge part of me that felt this was more about her reputation and upholding an image especially when Katie mentioned how Anya always cared about the ¡°family name¡± and that terrified me in so many ways. For her to work so hard to keep the fa?ade alive after all we¡¯ve shared, it was hard for me not to feel it disrespected my heart, all of my time and the sacrifices I made for her. I had the chance to walk away and stay away, not be here in the middle of this, and it seemed like I wasn¡¯t even a part of her life at all if she could dismiss me through the mail. At the same time, as violated and somewhat betrayed as I felt, I also understood. If that made any sense at all, but that¡¯s what love in this kind of situation did. It just seemed like the fa?ade of her marriage was more important than her love for me. I wanted to focus on the part of the essay when Katie revealed that she overheard Anya threaten Jackson with divorce, as that was the strongest statement of her love for me. That she felt that strong enough for us to make that threat, but if I was that much of a real threat, and if she truly loved me, respected all I stood for, and truly believed in love, this letter and Katie¡¯s essay would have never been sent to me, let alone on Valentine¡¯s Day of all days.
ANYA: ¡°I¡¯m so sorry. My heart is so broken. I miss u so much.¡±
As much as I struggled. As much as this pained me to no end. Her pain always trumped my own as it always made me see things through her eyes. I didn¡¯t have to put on an act for an audience of one, but I had to ¡°man up¡± and support her act though because it would only worry Katie and Andrew as I couldn¡¯t even imagine the difficulty.
ME: ¡°I¡¯m hurting for you more than I¡¯m hurting for myself. I miss u too.¡±
ANYA: ¡°That¡¯s because you¡¯re a noble man.¡±
ME: ¡°I¡¯m trying. It¡¯s hard to be noble when you¡¯re all I have. I love you so much, you just don¡¯t know.¡±
ANYA: ¡°I do know. I love you that much too.¡±
And with that last text from her, it marked the last time I heard from her on this Valentine¡¯s Day in the year two thousand nine. I tried not to think too negatively as she said ¡°for right now¡± but I feared she saw this as an opportunity to get over me completely. Another chance to breathe new life into the fa?ade and live a lie forever for the sake of a culture she always supported without my knowledge of its being.
As much as I didn¡¯t agree with her sudden decision to stay, I also loved her. I wanted her to know I supported her, even as I felt misled. Even as she sought ways not to be with me, and not for ways to be with me. I began to realize this relationship was entirely on her terms, and mine were only considered with a goodbye. Anya¡¯s love now left me crippled and paralyzed, unable to move away from the mental wheelchair I used to navigate through our relationship¡¯s ups and downs. My mind mercilessly told me a different story from the one my heart wanted to believe, but I wanted more than anything to respect Anya¡¯s right to be a mother. My love for Anya couldn¡¯t compete against a mother¡¯s love for her children, but why did she put me in the position to ever feel this way? Her methodical parting from me I began to notice through her friends, how Debbie, and most notably, Carolyn seemed to vanish, as they never said ¡°hi¡± to me anymore whenever Anya texted me in their presence. It only led me to wonder if she told them we were broken up, or led them to believe we no longer saw each other. If Anya cared so much about the ¡°family name¡±, I could only imagine how much of the truth was now kept from me. An horrific truth so real, that she felt would really crush me if I knew. I didn¡¯t want the protective nurturing love she gave to her children. I already had a mother¡¯s love. I only wanted the love that was brave enough to destroy me. A love brave enough to be honest even if it made her look bad. Why didn¡¯t I deserve the truth? Wouldn¡¯t she deserve and want the truth from me? If she truly wanted me to let her go, why not give me something that would accomplish that goal?
As she jettisoned me into a vortex of emotions, I felt so unstable, it seemed I lost control of even my thoughts. I could think positively one moment then think about three other things that brought me back on the road of negativity. If Katie¡¯s ¡°letter¡± tore her heart into a million pieces, what did she think her letter to me, did to mine? The thing that troubled me the most was she never acknowledged any responsibility for this, even after she told me she never meant to hurt me. As if, in her mind, I should have expected this, and known better. For me to not know better though, would also for me not to put any trust in her. In her eyes, this was something I should just say ¡°it is what it is¡± and then just retreat back to the life I had before I met her, as if it still existed. It was as if she kindly tipped me over from my wheelchair and onto the floor, and then asked me to understand why it was done. Was that an act of love? Anya¡¯s reaction to Katie¡¯s ¡°letter¡± was something I would expect from Jackson in his lust inspired affairs, and not from Anya, but then again was I being unfair to a mother¡¯s way of thinking?
When the sun rose, I could not distinguish the night from the day as I felt I woke up into a nightmare, a state I trusted Anya¡¯s love to never leave me in as I could not extricate myself from bed, caught in a complete state of paralysis. How could she break my heart in any way after I went all in to repair hers in every way I could? Even a heart I wasn¡¯t responsible for breaking? Why would she punish the man who loved her, who made her a better person, than the man who truly broke her heart in a million pieces? Why did I seem to suffer an even worse fate than Jackson?
I reached for a Vicodin I didn¡¯t know I had, at ten that morning to deal with the emotional anguish I felt as I couldn¡¯t find the strength to face the day. When I acknowledged today was a Sunday, it was the only thankfulness I could muster. What made matters worse, is that Valentine¡¯s Day fell on a Saturday as I imagined what took place last night in the midst of her silence, if the family name meant so much to her. An hour later, my cell phone¡¯s light began to blink, and although I was relieved to hear from her, I had too much negativity within to communicate at all.
ANYA: ¡°I¡¯m here if u want to talk.¡±
ME: ¡°Maybe later. Hurting too much.¡±
ANYA: ¡°Ok baby. I¡¯m so sorry from the bottom of my heart. I¡¯m available till about 1;30 pm then my kids come home. I miss you.¡±
I didn¡¯t want my negative emotions to take over. I didn¡¯t want this to come out wrong, but it overwhelmed me. I didn¡¯t feel she missed me at all. I didn¡¯t believe she was truly sorry either as I felt a person who truly loved me wouldn¡¯t be so quick to give up, and would find ways to be with me. To not snoop around her daughter¡¯s bedroom to find another reason to live a lie. Somewhere down the line, I became Anya¡¯s backup plan, and not her reason to choose happiness and an honest life. I wanted to be her safety net, just not for that sole purpose. She could text ¡°I miss you¡± all she wanted to, but to feel so much fear to turn a blind eye towards how the fa?ade of her marriage contributed to Katie¡¯s breakdown, made no sense to me if Anya truly loved me she should have used it for a springboard to divorce, and not the reason to stay. With the pain too great, and the relentless torturous wonder of a Saturday Valentine¡¯s day night with a man who she built the family name beside, I was besides myself and unable to hold back about Katie¡¯s ¡°letter¡± and Anya¡¯s subsequent decision.
ME: ¡°You should feel like you weren¡¯t there for Katie because of your marriage and not because of your love for me. If you can¡¯t recognize that much, I don¡¯t know if I can trust in what you tell me. I believe you miss me but not for the same reasons I miss you, or how I would want you to miss me. What you don¡¯t understand about the way I feel is that there is another man in your life. You¡¯re staying for him too. What you¡¯re saying is I accept his love and affection towards me. If he falls ill, I want to take care of him. That¡¯s how I see things. If this was just for the kids, I would have no hurt in my heart. I¡¯m aware it¡¯s not me versus him. I understand that. I feel this way because I would not feel any of the hurt I feel right now if you never told me he cheated on you or if you didn¡¯t paint a bad picture of him to me, then I could handle your decision without feeling the way I do.¡±
ANYA: ¡°Ok baby. I¡¯m just going to silently listen. There¡¯s nothing I can say right now to stop the bleeding for both of us. Nothing I could say will convince you.¡±
She wanted to talk to me, but that¡¯s all she could say to me. That there was nothing she could say that would convince me.
ME: ¡°I think you¡¯re right.¡±
ANYA: ¡°I beg for your forgiveness. I know you don¡¯t want to hear this but I¡¯m not going to stop saying that I love you. I will say it till I die b/c I do.¡±
ME: ¡°Forgive you for what?¡±
ANYA: ¡°That I¡¯m staying for the kids. I was so crazy last night. I had thoughts of running away last night but my kids came in and gave me Vday cards they made.¡±
As much pain consumed me, the last thing I wanted her to have were thoughts of running away. I took no pride or pleasure in them. Why did she feel the need to run away from everyone instead of facing her truth? I knew it wasn¡¯t easy to do, but she had someone there for her through it all, and most women in her situation didn¡¯t even have that. Why would she beg forgiveness from me for? For being a loving and caring mother? My problem was with her staying with and for Jackson, not for her children, although I felt the marriage hurt them more than it helped them. I didn¡¯t want Katie and Andrew to hate her as well, and I struggled with that as much as she did. I just felt she had great excuses to leave, more valid ones than she had to stay, and if she truly loved me, wouldn¡¯t she choose to listen to the valid ones she had? I felt after fourteen plus months together, the decision should have been easier to make, not harder.
ANYA: ¡°Well it doesn¡¯t matter what I say at this point. I miss u every second and I will continue to miss you every second and will never leave me. Sorry.¡±
ME: ¡°You don¡¯t have to beg for my forgiveness. Please forgive me sore feeling this way. I feel the same way about you. It¡¯s because you¡¯re all I know, you¡¯re my true love, and I love you.¡±
ANYA: ¡°I know babe.¡±
ME: ¡°I can¡¯t let go of the only love I ever want to know. I¡¯ll try to be noble about it all but I¡¯m dying inside. I will love you forever. I meant it the very first day I said it.¡±
ANYA: ¡°I¡¯m here. I love you to death.¡±
ME: ¡°I love you to death too. That¡¯s what makes this so hard. I can¡¯t imagine a day without you.¡±
ANYA: ¡°It makes me cry a lot. I miss you.¡±
And just like that, those tears, replaced the pain I felt inside with hers as I felt awful about what I texted her.
ME: ¡°Please don¡¯t cry, babe. I¡¯m not there to dry your eyes and hold you. I love you.¡±
ANYA: ¡°I love you too. Makes me sad to think that one day you will stop writing about me. Makes me cry.¡±
ME: ¡°I can¡¯t imagine there ever coming a day I wouldn¡¯t write about you. You¡¯re underestimating how much you mean to me. How important you are to my being. The very first day you walked into my life, you became my life and that¡¯s something you never stop writing about. And it really wouldn¡¯t matter if I stopped or not because you¡¯ll always be in my heart. Sorry.¡±
ANYA: ¡°Can¡¯t stop crying. I¡¯m so sad.¡±
ME: ¡°Please don¡¯t cry. You never know. I¡¯m here. I¡¯ll always be here. I¡¯m not going anywhere.¡±
ANYA: ¡°I just want to be in your arms right now. Can¡¯t stop crying.¡±
ME: ¡°Sweetheart, you know I want that too. You know that without a doubt. Please don¡¯t cry.¡±
ANYA: ¡°I¡¯m just So sad.¡±
At this very moment, my heart broke for a girl who broke mine, and if this wasn¡¯t the epitome of love, then I didn¡¯t know what was.
ME: ¡°I don¡¯t think this rain outside today is helping either of us with this. You made me fall in love with the rain.¡±
ANYA: ¡°You made me fell in love with life again except don¡¯t feel so alive right now.¡±
ME: ¡°I¡¯m just happy I¡¯ve been able to return the favor.¡±
The minute I knew tears fell from Anya¡¯s eyes, like the rain fell from the clouds just outside to meet my bedroom window, my concern shifted from me to Anya. I no longer cared about my own broken heart, or how many times she broke it, or what she did to me, or vice versa. Love never kept score, and neither did mine for her. I realized through her sadness, she did this against her own good conscience. She did this to please others instead of herself; something she did her entire life. I was in her life simply because she mattered too and her life to me was just as important as anyone else¡¯s. Her happiness mattered just as much as the happiness of her children did, and her current state of sadness spoke brazenly to that truth. A truth my love for her could not deny. I always looked for the good in people, and gave the people I loved, especially those who allowed me to feel love, the benefit of the doubt because I wanted to believe in not only her love, but in love. I then started to see when she threatened to divorce Jackson, without a care even around her kids she loved so dearly, that was the real Anya. The one she only gave me the key to know, and she did it for reasons like Katie¡¯s essay that threatened to destroy her happiness. She gave me the key to her happiness and I planned to continue to step on the gas when I had to. And if I hadn¡¯t broken down, and revealed my thoughts to her, I¡¯d never know how much this killed her as well.
When Anya texted me later on to end our emotional day, I wanted her to know how I truly felt about all of this because I knew I could never love another human being more than I loved her.
ANYA: ¡°Goodnight my dearest Landyn. I love you.¡±
ME: ¡°I don¡¯t care about my pain as much as I care about yours. I love you forever.¡±
ANYA: ¡°That¡¯s because you¡¯re noble. I love you forever.¡±
My nobility and our love, however, was now up for misinterpretation.
CHAPTER 35 ~ THE CRUELEST IRONY
¡°All night buzz on a line
It¡¯s only blood on the rime
Wrecks my head every time
It leads me on.¡±
~ ¡°Alibi¡± David Gray
ANYA: ¡°Woke up to the sound of the rain. No running and no gym for me this morning. Paralyzed. No desire to get out of bed. Miss u.¡±
My beautiful lady and her wounded heart broke my own at five eighteen that morning, a Monday school holiday. Her early text made me wonder where Jackson was. Did he get up early as well? How was she able to hide her deep sadness from him? Could he not see what she went through? Wouldn¡¯t he wonder why she was still in bed?
ME: ¡°I¡¯m so sorry beautiful. Whenever it rains, I just want to stay in bed and think about you. I wish I didn¡¯t have to work today. Going to be a hard day for me. I miss you so much.¡±
ANYA: ¡°Please be careful driving into work.¡±
ME: ¡°I will babe. I¡¯m here for you. Remember we¡¯re one.¡±
If I had any plans to save her, I had to be strong for her. I had to be there for her even as my own heart ached. I loved her to pieces and her texts worried me and left me unconcerned for my own brokenness. It never made me feel better to read of Anya¡¯s pain and made me forget my own. As much as I didn¡¯t want her to suffer, a part of me needed to see this too. If she could just jump right back into her prior life seamlessly, as if I never existed, I would never recover from the pain, and even feel deceived, and this made feel a bit two faced. I truly never wanted her to suffer, I loved her more than air, but I really needed to believe in her love right now more than ever, and I needed to believe in us. Her texts hurt me, but also gave me comfort at the most crucial time of our relationship. I knew if we survived Katie¡¯s hiccup, we would make it.
Before I could get out of my car as I pulled into the office parking lot, Anya sent me her heart once more.
ANYA: ¡°I love you. Think I¡¯m going to stay in bed today. So out of character. I hope my kids don¡¯t worry. They are off today.¡±
ME: ¡°I love you too, but Sweetheart this doesn¡¯t make me feel any better. Please get out of bed and try to enjoy your day with the kids. I don¡¯t want them to worry about you.¡±
ANYA: ¡°I wish we could both stay in bed holding eachother until we stop hurting. You¡¯re still my best friend. Kids r asleep. I like when they sleep b/c they need it.¡±
ME: ¡°I would kiss your entire body I miss you so much. I would give anything to feel your skin against mine right now. I wish I could hold you forever. So many times, when we¡¯re together I imagine if my life were to end with you in my arms, I could not think of a better way to leave this world. You¡¯re the best friend I¡¯ve ever had.¡±
ANYA: ¡°Forever would pass by so quickly with you. I¡¯d let you kiss my entire body.¡±
ME: ¡°You would feel my love with every kiss. Forever wouldn¡¯t be long enough for me, I¡¯d want more time. I¡¯ve never met anyone even remotely close to someone like you.¡±
ANYA: ¡°Me too. Never known anyone like you.¡±
ME: ¡°I¡¯m still here babe. I don¡¯t want you to feel lonely and sad. I need you to be strong for your kids and for me too. Ok? We still have each other in some way shape or form. I love you.¡±
ANYA: ¡°Thank you. I appreciate that. You don¡¯t know how much that means to me that I still have you in some shape or form. I love you forever.¡±
ME: ¡°I love you forever. If you¡¯re in pain, then my pain is a lot worse.¡±
ANYA: ¡°I know babe.¡±
After I ended our exchange, I realized my temerity was incredibly bold as I couldn¡¯t hold back my tears any longer. I wept in my car for our sadness, that a love so special had to go through so much turmoil and struggle. Why did something I gave so much of myself to be this difficult? The more I heard her cry, the more I learned of her struggle. the more I realized I couldn¡¯t let her give up on us. I was the one who saw her unhappiness and new it intimately. Carolyn and Debbie didn¡¯t see it, her best friend did, and if I couldn¡¯t fight for her happiness, then who else could? I know I needed a miracle to stymie all the emotions I had, and it¡¯s why I broke down. I needed the Universe¡¯s help in the matter as I felt it gave up on us to allow Anya to learn of her daughter¡¯s struggles. In Anya¡¯s sadness however, I only received more signs from her to cling to her unhappiness at home, and find a way to bring an end to our relationship, if not our love.
I loved her too much to allow her to live a false life for the rest of her life. I believed in love, an in our love, anything was possible, including Anya¡¯ happiness and the coexistence of her kids¡¯ happiness. Change was indeed necessary for growth, as spoken by a true scholar with wisdom beyond her age, and newly reluctant teen, Katie Caiaphas, Anya¡¯s beautiful daughter who I admired from a far. I knew her better than her own father did so how did that not stand for something special? How could this not all work out in the end between us? I wanted nothing but the best for both Katie and Andrew so how could our love ever hurt them? I just wasn¡¯t convinced we were through. Not yet. Not after all we¡¯ve shared. If we passed this test, we would pass any test. Yes, this was our greatest challenge but Anya combined the word ¡°each¡± and ¡°other¡± for a reason; because she knew as well as I did that with ¡°eachother¡± we were unstoppable.
After I sucked up my tears, and waited until my eyes looked somewhat normal, I ventured upstairs and sat in my office with a new outlook and renewed hope for us. I loved us too much to give up on us. To even believe for a second she wanted me to give up. And while I sat in my office as I prepared for the emotional fight within and ahead of me, Clyde appeared at my door to take my mind away from myself.
¡°Good morning, Landyn.¡± he said. ¡°Do you mind if I come in?¡±
¡°Good morning, Clyde. Please.¡± I responded as I rose from my chair and he closed my office door and sat down.
¡°How are things?¡± he asked.
¡°Personally?¡± I asked.
¡°Overall.¡± he clarified.
¡°Things are going well. Thankfully I¡¯ve gotten off to a better start on engagement planning this year as opposed to last year due to the extra business we¡¯ve taken on.¡±
¡°You¡¯re not feeling overburdened at all?¡± he asked.
¡°Not at all.¡±
¡°Well then, Jackson Caiaphas is heading a symposium on best commercial real estate practices and is also presenting a market outlook. I thought it would be a good idea to have you go to represent the firm.¡± he said.
¡°Absolutely. I would love to attend.¡± I said startled as I tried to hide my discomfort from Clyde. ¡°What¡¯s the attire?¡±
¡°I would think it best to wear a suit to the event. Dinner will also be served.¡±
¡°May I ask why Kevin is not going, Clyde? After all, he is the lead manager on the CPG engagement.¡±
¡°I¡¯m having you both go. Together.¡± he clarified. ¡°I thought it would be good for you since you¡¯ve taken on a couple new commercial real estate clients. It should help you with the audit planning stage and I¡¯d like to maintain a good relationship between you and Mr. Caiaphas.¡±
¡°Certainly. That makes sense.¡± I responded the only way I could.
¡°Fantastic.¡± he said as he rose from his seat. ¡°When I receive the exact date, time and place, I¡¯ll have Sherry email you the details.¡±
¡°Sounds good. Thank you, Clyde.¡± I said with the greatest reluctance as we shook hands before he exited.
When he left, I shut my door and walked to my office window and stared out at the mountains, the freeway and its life below as I wondered how this would all pan out. I begged for help from the Universe, but instead it put me in a face to face situation with Jackson, and at a time I couldn¡¯t care more less for the man; not the best career move. I still felt convinced he did not know who I was, but at the same time, I also still had no new clients lined up for the firm this year. If he did know about Anya and I, my promotion, my ace in the hole to save Anya from herself would undoubtedly be lost forever. Would Clyde¡¯s loyalties still lie with Jackson Caiaphas if the truth was known about him? How would Clyde react if he learned Jackson and I were more connected on a personal level than we were on a business level?
For the first time, I considered coming clean with Anya about everything. To tell her I knew her husband and how he was associated with my firm. It truly was an act of a higher power how this all came about. How the firm acquired their audit business without her realizing it, and how it proved he viewed her more as an employee rather than a true business partner. Why she never received an office but a cubicle when they opened their new corporate office. It made me sad for Anya because she was very bright yet unappreciated and so undervalued. Jackson¡¯s disrespect for his wife reminded me of all the times my father would degrade my mother and how I told myself I would never be in a marriage where my wife was not treated as an equal or greater than me. If I could never show her respect and honor, then I would never marry her, especially if I felt superior in any way. I didn¡¯t care what the topic of conversation or interest was. I planned to either learn from her or learned from each other. If I couldn¡¯t build her up but only tear her down, regardless of our points of view on matters, the last thing I would do is marry her. It always seemed to me Jackson could never understand how Any felt about his abusive ways of loving her. That if she could never get past her issues with him after all he put her through, then she was the problem with the marriage. He was the king and she was forever unworthy of being his queen, even though he gave her a fitted Queen¡¯s crown to wear. The only two reasons I ever argued with Anya was because I wanted her to prove me wrong, and I cared about her happiness. I never wanted to be right about any of the negativity I felt, and I wanted her to win every argument we had about my uncertainty. I only challenged her to think differently so she chose happiness in life, and not a life of tragedy. Often times I felt I could see things her biased heart could not. Although her views on these matters remained a source of frustration, I still respected them and even fell more in love with her over them. And I always gave her the benefit of the doubt to gain a better understanding of her position. I fought against having our hearts broken and any resulting paralysis. My arguments did come from a place of fear at times. but they also always came from a place of love, not from a place of hate. Although I hurt so much at times, my presentation didn¡¯t always come out like the sparkling diamond ring I dreamt of buying for her one day.
Later that afternoon, at around one, Anya sent me another text I felt so elated to receive.
ANYA: ¡°Can¡¯t believe it¡¯s still raining. Finally got up to take a shower. Feel better. Still missing you so much.¡±
ME: ¡°I¡¯m happy babe. I don¡¯t want you hurting. I miss you so much too.¡±
ANYA: ¡°Perfumes wears out and candles burn out.¡±
Anya¡¯s text seemed incomplete, and when she never continued it fifteen minutes later, I reached out to see if she planned to.
ME: ¡°I would say that¡¯s a true statement.¡±
ANYA: ¡°I would still like something from u to wear close to my heart if I can be so bold. It can just be made of string. I don¡¯t care as long as it¡¯s from you.¡±
When I received this text, my heart and my mouth swelled up with absolute joy as I cried yet again tears, she would never know of, but this time in my office at work.
ME: ¡°As long as I¡¯m still your BFF I would love for you to have something of mine to wear.¡±
ANYA: ¡°You¡¯ll always be my BFF!¡±
ME: ¡°I got something in mind then.¡±
ANYA: ¡°Really? It could be anything! It doesn¡¯t matter! I¡¯m excited!¡±
ME: ¡°I think I¡¯m more excited than you!¡±
ANYA: ¡°Impossible!¡±
ME: ¡°Anytime I have a chance to show you I love you, I can¡¯t help but get excited!¡±
ANYA: ¡°I can¡¯t wait to wear something of yours to remind me of your love everyday.¡±
ME: ¡°I love you forever.¡±
ANYA: ¡°I love you forever.¡±
¡°I can¡¯t wait to wear something of yours to remind me of your love everyday¡± filled me up with so much love for her, I was ecstatic. It wasn¡¯t long ago when she declined a necklace because she couldn¡¯t promise me anything, even though she was bold enough to ask for it. Now it seemed she had no fear or guilt as it led me to dream of a promise, and gave me another reason to fight for us. To believe in her love for me, and as the day progressed, Anya continued to as well.
ANYA: ¡°I¡¯m sooo excited! I haven¡¯t stopped smiling! I can¡¯t wait!¡±
ME: ¡°You¡¯re too much! I¡¯m happy you¡¯re smiling and excited! I am too!¡±
ANYA: ¡°I will touch it and kiss it everyday! Like I said I don¡¯t care if it¡¯s just a string. Of course I¡¯ll wear it everyday! It¡¯s from you!¡±
As I read Anya¡¯s texts of pure joy, I had to ask myself where would I ever find someone to love me this much? In my eyes, this woman could have any man she wanted yet she I meant the most to her, and that resonated deep within me as her love had the power to kill any and all low self esteem issues I ever had. Her love made them the greatest joke and waste of my thoughts over the years, and that alone I had to fight for. How could I ever accept our love had to end when I knew it meant so much to her as well? and I knew Anya didn¡¯t as well. To hear about the smile on her face, taken into consideration the sadness she felt just hours earlier meant everything to me, as I was certain her kids felt it as well. A prime example why I felt without having each other in our lives would be a monster mistake, one I couldn¡¯t allow her to make regardless of the circumstances. I had seen and felt her love too much to believe it was something she wanted to lose.
ME: ¡°To me, there¡¯s no higher honor to just have you wanting to wear something of mine.¡±
ANYA: ¡°Ahhhhhhhh! I can¡¯t stand it! You made me so happy! Do you think it was rude to ask u for something for me to wear and keep? Pretty bold.¡±¡±
ME: ¡°Not at all babe. I¡¯m very flattered. I want to cry but I¡¯m at work.¡±
ANYA: ¡°Ok. I only want it if u truly want me to have it.¡±
ME: ¡°Why wouldn¡¯t I want u to have it? Of course I do!¡±
ANYA: ¡°Ok thank you. So excited!!!¡±
ME: ¡°I think I may be more excited than you! You don¡¯t have to wear it everyday but just knowing you can have something from me that you could have near your heart would make me happy.¡±
ANYA: ¡°I promise to wear it as much as possible near my heart. When I miss you which is always, I can just hold it in my hand.¡±
I had to look at this recent heartbreak as an opportunity for me to grow stronger as a person, and not weaker. Katie¡¯s message in her essay remained crystal clear that change was necessary for growth, and here was an example of Anya and I growing together through this boulder in our path. It gave me a chance to be noble for both of us. This world may not have been right, but at least I knew my heart was in the right place. This recent heart ache I felt made me a stronger person as over the last fourteen plus months I found myself closer to my dreams now than I would have been if I never met her. Life was mine again, if I wanted it. After Anya¡¯s texts, her love shone so brightly it burned away all the turmoil and anguish within from just two days ago. Valentine¡¯s Day awakened me to the realization that it wasn¡¯t spent with Jackson or used as an event to further sell people on the fa?ade on their marriage. Her heartfelt texts on this day only made me miss her and want to fight for her more than ever. I believed in our love, and even after Katie¡¯s essay and Anya¡¯s letter, it felt stronger than ever as it seemed she realized a life without me, would not be the life she deserved to live.
When I finished with work, after a very good day, sans the Jackson Caiaphas symposium and dinner party I had to attend, I sat down to text Anya goodnight with anxiety and wonder within. What if she accompanied Jackson to this event? Should I find out if she had plans to attend or should I reveal I knew her husband?
ME: ¡°Just finished working for the evening. I¡¯m glad we both had a good day today and I haven¡¯t stopped smiling since you told me that you wanted to wear something of mine. I am not texting you this to be boastful at all, I¡¯m more of a person who just goes about his business than talk about any of my achievements, but I did something only 11% nationally did at the time; I passed all 4 parts of the CPA exam the first time I took it. It was the proudest moment of my life, so to put this in perspective of how much you mean to me, you wearing something of mine is now the proudest moment of my life. I¡¯ll try to get you something that¡¯s worthy and beautiful enough to be close to your heart, but be prepared for it to fall well short because your heart is the most beautiful thing in the world. Sleep well beautiful. I love you forever.¡±
The next morning, the Anya I fell deeply in love with, made an early appearance.
ANYA: ¡°OMG! Congratulations! You should be so proud! I¡¯m proud of you! That¡¯s so sexy to me! I can¡¯t wait to wear something of yours close to my heart! I love you so much! Your mind, your innocence and your gentle qualities are all sexy to me. Ok I¡¯m being bold again but I need to know a time frame so I don¡¯t wait and get disappointed. Of course I want it this very second but that¡¯s not going to happen so prepare me. Days, weeks, months I¡¯m impossible aren¡¯t I?¡±
ME: ¡°BTE! Best Text Ever! That makes me so happy! You have no idea! Just understand I¡¯ve never done this kind of thing for anyone before so it might take a little longer only because I¡¯m particular and I have only one shot at this! It¡¯s like jean shopping!¡±
ANYA: ¡°Ok!!! Big smile! No worries! ¡°like jean shopping¡±? Haha! You¡¯re killing me! I¡¯ll be patient. Please don¡¯t overdo it. Simple, pure, beautiful. Like our love.¡±
¡°Simple, pure and beautiful, like our love¡± meant everything to me to read from her. How could anyone ever throw that kind of love away for anything? Isn¡¯t that the kind of love you want your kids to witness and be a part of? Isn¡¯t that the kind of love that teaches them not to ever settle for anything less? That reason alone was enough for her to leave her marriage. How could the two people who did know our love, Debbie and Carolyn, ever be against that even for the sake of her children? How could she not defend a love as simple, as pure and as beautiful as ours to anyone, including those of a mildly flawed culture? We weren¡¯t having sex in the bathrooms of restaurants or running away from our responsibilities for last minutes quickies. I¡¯d be the first to say it wasn¡¯t ideal, but there was goodness to our relationship and to refer to it as an ¡°affair¡± would be insulting to Anya¡¯s heart who longed to be loved. How could anyone be against a woman who feared being alone and who endured the emotional abuse she did? Why shouldn¡¯t she be given the chance to trust a man before she decided to be with him? I wanted her to have that opportunity, but the more I got to know her, the more I needed her, and I believed the feeling was mutual. That was the thing for me that made it impossible for me to leave her behind. How often do you find someone who can truly meet you at the same height and depth of your love for them? How often do you meet someone where you have zero fear of being judged for how strongly you feel for them? There were no games here, only love and respect, and although understanding each other at times was challenging because of the unknown variable, we loved ¡°eachother¡± too much to not find a way to see things from another angle. Our love¡¯s deceptive nature was my only struggle, and it needed to change because change was necessary for growth as much as it was necessary for truth. Change would allow everyone to grow, and that¡¯s why I only saw the goodness in it and not the harm, but if she continued to lie about our love, it could only be harmful. In my eyes, all Anya had to do now was tell Katie that change was necessary for growth, and I think she would get it. In fact, we both knew Katie already did, and not only that, she would respect her mother for it, and eventually come to understand completely why. In fact, and this may be horrible to say because I wasn¡¯t looking to replace their father, but at the very least, I could be there for them, and even cover for him if I had to. Again, even though he did fall short at times, my problem was with Jackson the husband, and not Jackson the father. I knew his kids loved him, and they should. He¡¯s their father, and I¡¯m not. I didn¡¯t put food in their mouths, or clothes on their back. I just wanted to supplement their lives, never to become a replacement. There was no intent to disrupt his worth to them. I also didn¡¯t want him to lose anything he built on his own. He earned every penny he made and my goal wasn¡¯t to rob him of that. I could take care of Anya, but I felt he should give her what she was entitled to; reparations for the pain he caused her. Since I knew I made her happy, I only fought for Katie¡¯s and Andrew¡¯s happiness, and I feared they may lose her prematurely one day if her stress and unhappiness continued. I fought for things no one else could see or wanted to see, especially a thirteen and eleven year old. I just needed Anya to see the bigger picture in all I fought for.
Later that afternoon, Anya sent a text to update me on her day.
ANYA: ¡°It¡¯s pouring here. I have your candles going and playing Diana Krall. Peace for 3 more hours!¡±
ME: ¡°That sounds so relaxing. I¡¯m glad the candles haven¡¯t burned out yet. I¡¯m using the pen and Ipod you gave me. I¡¯m here if you need me, babe.¡±
ANYA: ¡°I¡¯m glad cuz you¡¯re the perfect male!¡±
ME: ¡°Well, I try to be, but I¡¯m so in love with you and it¡¯s hard sometimes because I feel so much.¡±
ANYA: ¡°I¡¯m so in love with you too. I¡¯m still very sorry about the whole situation and for hurting you.¡±
It was thoughtful of her to apologize, but at the same time, I wished she hadn¡¯t gone there. After her ¡°something to wear of mine¡± request, I didn¡¯t want her to steal hope away from me or to hear about her situation. Her marriage was always only described to me as a ¡°situation¡±. That description allowed me to trust her, and situations could always be changed. To me, her situation was a change mandatory for growth. At times, my negativity hurt Anya too, so in lieu of an apology, I just wanted positive communication from her focused on our love to continue, and not to focus on what held it back. I felt the need to clarify the only time when she could hurt me.
ME: ¡°I¡¯ve never been hurt by anything you do for your kids. It¡¯s only what you do for him that hurts me.¡±
ANYA: ¡°It¡¯s not easy for me. I don¡¯t want to go there right now. I¡¯m enjoying reconnecting with you.¡±
It¡¯s what I wanted to, the positive reconnection so I was all aboard that ship.
ME: ¡°I know babe, I¡¯m sorry. There aren¡¯t too many things right in this world, but your heart is.¡±
ANYA: ¡°It¡¯s ok. Thank you.¡±
The thought of Anya with Jackson left me shipwrecked inside, especially when I knew his infidelities created the ¡°situation¡± I was in. Anya didn¡¯t have to struggle with another woman in my life like I had to struggle with another man in hers. It was easy at first because I trusted her promise she would leave if she fell in love with me, but when that didn¡¯t happen, it was hard to understand if she stayed, she stayed for him too. The lack of transparency, the unknown variable from where I stood alone, made it that much harder as well, a torment she could never understand unless I dated another. I wasn¡¯t built that way though, and I loved Anya too deeply to even be interested in anyone. This fear burned the internal question; would I be hurt if I knew the truth? If I could walk inside her home, would I be hurt by the framed pictures on the walls or throughout the house? How would one of the many social gatherings and events look if I were to go to one? Would I be hurt if I knew the truth behind the three days of silence she spent on the canary island of Tenerife? What would a night or weekend look like inside her home especially if the kids spent the night at a friend¡¯s house? Could she not see how I could question her love for me and why I struggled with a decision to stay at this point for any reason?
I believed she loved me, I don¡¯t think she would have gone through these great of lengths to stay in touch with me, especially in consideration of how much she loved her kids, but if she truly wanted to be with me, how could she not see the slightest bit of strength in Katie¡¯s letter? Wouldn¡¯t she have seen, like I did, the irony behind her message that change was necessary for growth? What spoke louder than the change needed more than Anya¡¯s marital status? Her unchanged situation is what hurt me, and not the sadness she felt for her daughter. Anya still slept in the same bed, with the same man, every night. She didn¡¯t even make an effort to sleep outside or make an excuse to not sleep in the same room. I honestly thought before we dated, she at least slept apart from him. My parents loved each other but still slept in different rooms and beds, so the last thing I thought was a woman who had now been with two different men still slept with the man who led her to them.
However, here was my reality now. She said I was her best friend, yet I had to sit away from her if we ever went to the movies together. She still had sex with Jackson; the man who cheated on her several times. She protected the family name and still wore his ring, even as she claimed she wanted to wear mine. My soulmate sent me a break up letter, on of all days, Valentine¡¯s Day. She made a date to tell me horrific things any decent human being would be appalled by. Then, once her heart felt secure in my love, she shared things she should have also told me on our first date, in the very beginning, like she wasn¡¯t ambivalent towards her marriage and mothers made sacrifices for their kids, and that¡¯s why she was still there. Instead, she told me she remained married to him because no one wanted to be with her because she had kids, as she detailed through her prior relationship with Lance, the romantic singer. To know this was only half of it, and that by itself threatened to destroy me on a daily basis.
Because of the fact she never changed anything at home with Jackson, I started to believe I wasn¡¯t good enough for her. If Anya felt she could be with me only if she ran away, then how could I ever be good enough for her no matter how perfect she thought I was if she was too ashamed to be proud of me? If our love carried any goodness, why was that something to be ashamed of if Jackson truly chipped away at her heart? The emotional abuse alone he put her through over the course of her marriage was more than of a good reason to convince the people, if they truly cared about her, that a change in marital status was necessary for her growth. Sans the infidelities, the fact he felt so remorseful he let his own wife run around town in hazardous conditions, with their kids in tow, after she worked a full day was grounds enough for a change in marital status. She planned to stay for the sake of the kids when theirs and her own safety was at risk? Jackson was a great provider, but how did the kids benefit from his narcissistic and abusive traits? Didn¡¯t the manner in how he treated their mother, count as an argument for change? If she wanted to be with me, and missed me so desperately, how come she refused to see any of this? I didn¡¯t trust Jackson, and Anya¡¯s protection of him, through the ¡°family name¡± and her continued union with him made me lose most of my trust in her. The last thing I wanted to do as her best friend and lover, and after being a witness to her sadness, was to hurt her with my struggle and fears. There was another man in her life though, and as much as she loved me, she still maintained to others that she belonged to him. Something she never had to deal with on her end; the source of my greatest anguish I¡¯d ever known in life, an unjust reward for being the one who truly loved her. She needed to understand when I broke into pieces, her unchanged partnership with Jackson remained the reason behind why.
When the next morning came around, now the eighteenth day of February, I sent Anya a text to try and keep the positive emotions alive.
ME: ¡°Good morning! I can¡¯t wait to get you something to wear from me. Wish I could do it tonight but it¡¯s busy season.¡±
ANYA: ¡°Good morning! I can¡¯t wait either! It¡¯s ok! Beggars can¡¯t be choosers!¡±
ME: ¡°It¡¯s a great honor you¡¯ve given me, babe. I miss you.¡±
ANYA: ¡°Don¡¯t take this wrong, but do you even know where to go? I miss u too.¡±
ME: ¡°Haha! Do you even know how many jewelry store windows I¡¯ve been lost in since I fell for you? The problem is I don¡¯t know which one to go to! As you know this is a first for me. I¡¯ve never bought any jewelry for a girl before, but it¡¯s because I¡¯ve never really been given the chance to, so this means a lot to me. To finally be able to walk inside a jewelry store without feeling like I don¡¯t belong. Another secret dream of mine between us.¡±
ANYA: ¡°I love you forever.¡±
I definitely wasn¡¯t the jewelry buying Romeo type, but I always wanted to be that type of man for the woman I loved. I really didn¡¯t know a thing about jewelry, but I felt I had a good eye when my heart played in tune with my mind. Although I preferred to buy her a ring, to walk into a jewelry store for someone I loved so much and who wanted something to wear from me was a dream come true. If one understood how long I waited for the moment to feel secure enough to walk into a jewelry store for someone, they would¡¯ve also understood the reason I was so hurt when Anya abruptly told me she didn¡¯t want me spending money on her because she didn¡¯t feel right about it without a promise. I never looked at this as a promise of anything until she mentioned that, but I felt this second request by her had more weight of a promise behind it after her reason for the guilt of the first request. In my mind, she told me the reason she didn¡¯t want something to wear of mine because she couldn¡¯t promise me anything, so for her to make this request meant a promise wasn¡¯t out of the question.
This tale has been unlawfully lifted from Royal Road; report any instances of this story if found elsewhere.
Later that afternoon, Anya sent me a text to let me know she had a Company event this with a guest speaker and was unavailable for the rest of the evening. I appreciated the gesture as I didn¡¯t handle surprise disappearances well, but her event left me to wonder if she planned to attend Jackson¡¯s symposium and dinner event. With enough stress on my mind, I decided to turn in early in this night.
When the sun presented us with the next day, Anya presented me with a text.
ANYA: ¡°Good morning baby!¡±
ME: ¡°Good morning Beautiful! This week is going to be a hard one for me. I hope I¡¯m up to the challenge! I need an easy week! I miss you.¡±
ANYA: ¡°Ha! Nothing is easy babe. Just life I guess. I miss u too.¡±
ME: ¡°I agree babe. Nothing in life worth having is ever going to be easy. How are you feeling?¡±
ANYA: ¡°A little slow. Still tired. Isn¡¯t it funny I can get up early and go all day and night but if I have to work I get tired?¡±
ME: ¡°Well, if you¡¯re stressed by work, it¡¯s your body¡¯s natural defense to ¡°flight¡± rather than ¡°fight¡±. Sometimes I get so stressed out, I feel like just walking out, but of course I¡¯d never do that, but this job does have its moments. Some of the deadlines I face are nearly impossible to meet at times.¡±
ANYA: ¡°I would get an immediate leave of absence note. Not good for my wellbeing. Well, it looks like we¡¯d be an unemployed couple if we got together!¡±
ME: ¡°I guess we¡¯ll just have to spend the rest of our lives in bed then! Doesn¡¯t sound like unemployment is a bad thing to me!¡±
ANYA: ¡°Haha! Have I told you I miss you?¡±
ME: ¡°Not in the last few minutes.¡±
ANYA: ¡°I miss u!!¡±
ME: ¡°I miss u too! It seems like forever since I last saw you.¡±
ANYA: ¡°It¡¯s been a long time.¡±
ME: ¡°It think it¡¯s been almost a month.¡±
ANYA: ¡°I know.¡±
It was all she could tell me. ¡°I know¡± but maybe it was all my heart could handle to know. What incentive did she have to be with me, or to at least promise to, if she could see me any time she wanted? I guess it was another way to look at all the missing I dealt with now, as the cruelty of life began to take its toll on me.
On Thursday evening, I needed to get out of the house, and away from the stress of my work schedule and the loneliness as I decided to visit my mother. Busy season made it difficult to see my mother, and under normal circumstances, I never would¡¯ve made the drive to see her, but Anya and work consumed so much of my time, I felt I pushed my mother off to the side. As I struggled with the stress from work and Anya, I tried to ignore the stress my mother¡¯s illness could cause as well. When I inadvertently saw one of the well known side effects of chemotherapy on Christmas when my mother removed her Santa Claus hat, I didn¡¯t know how much more heartache I could handle. I talked with her on the phone often, and it seemed things went as well as they could for her, but I couldn¡¯t bring myself to see it because then it would feel more real. I had to admit, even before her latest cancer battle, my relationship with Anya did change the relationship I had with my mother as Anya became my best friend and confidant. I found this to be a good thing for my mother¡¯s psyche because she knew I was happy and now worried less about me. At the same time, I felt I abandoned her in a way because of her illness, but I usually never visited much during January through April, if at all. Even though I¡¯m sure she kept herself busy, and she never gave me any sign she was losing this time around, but something told me I should visit her as the challenges I had was perhaps the Universe¡¯s way of getting me back in touch with her.
When I arrived, my father wasn¡¯t home so I walked right into my mother¡¯s bedroom. When I entered her room, she was propped up on her bed as the movie ¡°You¡¯ve Got Mail¡± played loudly on her DVD player.
¡°Oh! Hi Honey!¡± she said as she sprang from her bed.
¡°Hi Mom¡± I said as she engulfed me in a bear hug.
¡°What brings you by?¡± she asked as she sat back down.
¡°Vicodin.¡± I said.
¡°Landy!¡± she said in her most serious tone. ¡°I only let you have a couple to help your back, not to turn you into a drug addict!¡±
¡°I¡¯m kidding.¡± I said in partial disappointment. ¡°Have I ever had an addictive personality? You know I do drink once in a while, but I¡¯ve never craved alcohol.¡±
¡°Well, I didn¡¯t mean you are¡but this stuff is different from alcohol.¡±
¡°I would never drive this far just for Vicodin.¡± I said. ¡°And if I did, then I can understand your fear of me being addicted, but when was the last time I¡¯ve been here?¡±
¡°The last time I saw you was on Christmas.¡±
¡°That was almost two months ago. Don¡¯t you think if I was addicted, I¡¯d be here more often? That¡¯s all I¡¯m saying.¡±
¡°It¡¯s a very addictive drug, Landy.¡± she said in a stern tone. ¡°I wouldn¡¯t be a good mother if I didn¡¯t warn my only child about it. I¡¯m just making you aware of it.¡±
¡°Mom, do you really think I came here for Vicodin?¡±
¡°I don¡¯t know these days. I haven¡¯t seen you around.¡±
¡°It¡¯s busy season, Mom.¡± I said. ¡°You know, I usually go into hibernation until April.¡±
¡°I¡¯m sorry, honey.¡± she said. ¡°I think the chemotherapy is affecting my memory and moods these days. I feel more tired and sometimes I can¡¯t remember simple things like if I washed my face or not. I¡¯m in a lot of pain too, my arthritis in my hands is really acting up.¡±
I had to be aware these were indeed different times for her and the side effects of her treatments may affect her, even scare her. By the looks of her though, the treatment seemed to work as I noticed she had a full set of hair. Could her hair have grown back that quickly in just two months?
¡°Your hair looks nice, healthy and¡abundant¡± I said.
¡°Thank you, Landy.¡± she said as she got up from her bed and went to the mirror to look at it.
¡°Did you just get it permed?¡± I asked as I tried to notice things about her I hadn¡¯t before.
¡°Well, you can¡¯t perm a wig, Honey.¡± she said as she removed it to reveal a shaven bald head.
¡°I¡¯m sorry, Mom. When did you lose your hair?¡± I asked to ensure her nobility stayed intact. ¡°Did they tell you this would happen?¡±
¡°Well, no because I wasn¡¯t supposed to. I was told this wasn¡¯t the kind where you¡¯d lose your hair, but the first week of December I found traces of hair around the house one day. I then got upset with your father because I thought he was to blame for it! I told him ¡°I think you¡¯re going bald!¡± He swore up and down it wasn¡¯t his hair, and I still didn¡¯t believe him. Do you know how hard it is picking up hair around the house? One morning, I got out of bed and noticed a lot of hair on my pillow, and I started to cry, not because I felt sorry for myself but mostly because I blamed your father and felt bad about it. When I found out it was me though, I just couldn¡¯t stand its slow methodical cruel way of taking a part of me away, so I had your father shave the rest of my hair off.¡±
¡°He did a really good job.¡± I said as I admired how clean it looked. ¡°I know this might sound kind of strange mom, but you look good bald. You have a nicely shaped head. Maybe I should go with the ¡°Mr. Clean¡± look too.¡±
¡°Oh, Landy! Don¡¯t you dare!¡± she said. ¡°You would look horrible bald!¡±
¡°Horrible? What? Why would you say that?¡±
¡°I don¡¯t think you have a good looking head and your nose....¡±
¡°What about my nose?¡±
¡°It¡¯s kind of big¡I don¡¯t think you¡¯d look good bald at all.¡±
¡°Thanks for the self esteem boost.¡± I said. ¡°Do you see why I need a Vicodin every now and then?¡±
¡°I¡¯m just being honest.¡± She said. ¡°You need to look professional at your job too.¡±
¡°I guess I can appreciate the bald Pinocchio look wouldn¡¯t be in my best interest.¡± I replied, shaking my head. ¡°So¡how is the chemo coming? Are you almost done?¡±
My mom laughed at my Pinocchio reference before she composed herself enough to answer my queries.
¡°I¡¯ll never be off of it, Landy.¡±
¡°What do you mean you¡¯ll never be off of it?¡± I asked. ¡°Everyone goes through chemo and then gets off of it, Mom. Your hair will grow back, and no offense to the wig, it looks nice, but you can start getting perms again really soon.¡±
My mom then grabbed the remote and paused her movie.
¡°I¡¯m afraid that¡¯s not how it works for me this time around, Landy.¡± she said.
¡°Why not?¡±
¡°Because they found cancer cells in my liver and lungs this time.¡±
¡°What? How does this make any sense?¡± I asked incredulously. ¡°Mom, you don¡¯t drink or smoke. How could you have liver or lung cancer? You¡¯ve had cancer in your skull and they got that. I don¡¯t understand.¡±
¡°The cancer was in my bones, Landy when they found it on my skull.¡± she said. ¡°This time though, they found it in my organs.¡±
¡°Then how can you have cancer in your liver and lungs?¡±
¡°I have breast cancer that first metastasized to the bone, and now has moved to my liver and lungs.¡± she said. ¡°My cancer is spreading, Landy. I have Stage Four Cancer now.¡±
I didn¡¯t know what to say other than to remain in denial as the eye of the perfect storm of stress and sadness hovered above my heart and mind. My mother was only sixty-two years old, and defeated Cancer not once but twice. She then underwent chemo to kill it, which they did, so how could it have spread when she was told it was dead? Wasn¡¯t the purpose of chemo to stop this from ever happening? You mean to tell me my mother, not only lost a breast but now also lost the hair on her head for life? Was this how a woman, who believed and trusted in God¡¯s love for her, who had the ultimate faith in Him, was rewarded for it? I visited on this evening in complete belief she already won this cancer battle. That this was just another foregone conclusion, so how in the world could something spread that was not only caught in time, but also beaten twice already? To say I wasn¡¯t mad at the cruelty and unfairness of the entire world at this moment was a monstrous understatement.
¡°What did the doctor say?¡± I asked as I held my breath.
¡°They¡¯re getting it.¡± she said. ¡°but I¡¯ll have to remain on chemo for the rest of my life.¡±
I nodded my head to let her know I understood, but unknown to me, only my mother knew the magnitude of what the doctors told her.
¡°How are you feeling?¡± I asked. ¡°Do you notice it physically at all?¡±
¡°I feel okay. I get tired more often, but it¡¯s because I lost a quarter of my lung capacity so it¡¯s hard to breathe sometimes.¡± She said. ¡°I just have to sit down more often to catch my breath when I¡¯m outside working on the yard or cleaning the house.¡±
¡°Do you need me to come by and help you out?¡± I asked. ¡°I can come by on the weekends.¡±
¡°No, Landy. I can handle it. I don¡¯t want to lose the thing I love to do. That¡¯s when the cancer wins.¡±
¡°Ok, then. If you need any help just let me know. It doesn¡¯t mean the cancer is winning. You have to remember you¡¯re sixty two years old and you have arthritis in both hands. Just don¡¯t think of it as the Cancer winning, but being smart about things.¡±
¡°I¡¯ll let you know if I need help, Honey. Thank you.¡±
¡°How do you get to your chemo treatments?¡± I asked. ¡°I can take some time off of work to take you if you need me to.¡±
¡°That¡¯s alright, Landy. Your father takes me.¡± she said. ¡°I go alone once in a while but I want to be alone sometimes. Having your father around sometimes makes me feel uncomfortable and nervous.¡±
¡°Is it because you don¡¯t think he gets ¡°it¡±?¡±
¡°I think your Father is in denial that I¡¯ve got Cancer, Landy.¡±
¡°Well, mom in fairness to Dad and I, you don¡¯t share much and you make it seem like this is just a standard operating procedure. How long have you known your cancer had spread to your liver and lungs?¡±
¡°Just before Christmas.¡±
¡°I¡¯ve called you, Mom. We talk on the phone often. Why couldn¡¯t you mention it to me?¡±
¡°I know you¡¯re busy Honey. You have a mental job and I don¡¯t want to put more stress on you than you need.¡±
¡°I thank you for thinking about me, but that¡¯s not fair Mom. I also don¡¯t want to not know and then find out in the worst way possible one day. I¡¯d always regret not spending more time with you. When did you tell Dad?¡±
¡°He knew the day I knew.¡±
¡°What makes you think then he is in denial?¡±
¡°Where is your father right now, Landy?¡±
¡°I guess he¡¯s at the park working right now?¡±
¡°Exactly.¡± she said sadly. ¡°He doesn¡¯t need that job at the park.¡±
¡°You think the park is his way of escaping reality?¡± I asked.
¡°I do.¡± she said. ¡°But that¡¯s alright. I have God with me too.¡±
My father didn¡¯t neglect my mother at all, but he wouldn¡¯t allow to intimately engage himself in this battle with her simply because it would be the same to admit my mother would soon die. In order to escape that likelihood, he treated her battle the same as the ones before, and he might of did it to make her feel less fearful. I felt if he never left her side, she would be annoyed with that as well.
¡°Ok. If you need me to do anything, just let me know.¡± I said. ¡°You¡¯re not bothering me at all, Mom.¡±
¡°I¡¯m not going to ask you to drive all the way from Irvine.¡±
¡°I don¡¯t care, Mom cause¡¯ guess what?¡±
¡°What?¡±
¡°I want you to.¡± I said. ¡°Are you scared at all?¡±
¡°Of what?¡± she asked.
¡°I don¡¯t know.¡± I said as I tried to respond in a hopeful tone. ¡°How are you able to receive such bad news and just carry on?¡±
¡°I¡¯m not alone, Landy. God is with me.¡± she said. ¡°He has a plan for me, for all of us, and I have to trust his plan for me.¡±
I couldn¡¯t believe what I just heard. Trust his plan? What plan, from a loving God, contained such loss? This woman gave so much to others. Didn¡¯t smoke. Didn¡¯t drink. Yet had cancer in her lungs and liver? I deserved such a fate, but not my mother who loved Him.
¡°I don¡¯t get it Mom.¡±.
¡°Don¡¯t get what?¡±
¡°How could God¡¯s plan, one you could find any trust in, have you getting Cancer?¡± I said. ¡°That doesn¡¯t sound like a loving God to me. That sounds like someone I could never trust.¡±
¡°Am I so special that I can¡¯t get Cancer? He gave me life, and he even put a cherry on top when he gave me you, thirty-eight years ago. He¡¯s done nothing but heap blessings upon me I don¡¯t deserve. What have I ever given Him? He¡¯s only given things to me so what more could I ask for? Not only that, his son gave his life for me to be with Him.¡± She said. ¡°It¡¯s hard to believe this because we¡¯re accustomed to life here on earth, but in the end, this isn¡¯t the life that matters, Honey. We¡¯re only here to grow spiritually. Once God feels that is done, He brings us home. So, I¡¯m on his time table, not my own.¡±
I took in every word my mother had to say, life couldn¡¯t had disenchanted me more than it did at this very moment. How could the Universe deem this to be fair? I deserved Cancer or a struggle of this magnitude, but not my sweet mother. I could feel nothing less than tremendous guilt about how I used to worry her when I was younger. Even though I knew I was fine, she could¡¯ve never felt the same assurance from where she stood. Why did it take for her to get stage four cancer before I recognized how I made her feel at those times she worried to no end? I wanted to blame God for her Cancer, but I caught myself. To attack God was to attack her support system; the thing that gave her so much strength. So, what made me special enough to think I could criticize her beliefs?
After she shared this news with me, I felt on the brink of a total and complete mental collapse. I then convinced my mother to allow me to take a few extra pills more of Vicodin than I did in the past, and she trusted me enough it wouldn¡¯t be an issue to oblige. If I came clean about my current heartache with Anya though, I knew she wouldn¡¯t have given me a single pill. With this information unknown, she agreed to part with ten pills as I convinced her again this would never turn into an addiction for me. I felt fully in control as I only used it at those times of my greatest emotional distress. The euphoric effects of the opiate kept me focused on the big picture with Anya and helped provide a positive outlook when I desperately needed it. Now, with the serious news of my mother¡¯s illness, I found myself in a tsunami of guilt as I revisited the times, I failed her as a son.
Although Anya and I were technically on the mend, my heart remained broken over us, and my mother¡¯s illness only exacerbated all I felt. She would be on chemotherapy her whole life? The cancer spread even after rounds of chemo? She was at Stage four? Didn¡¯t she already beat it? I envisioned stage four cancer patients on chemo to be in the hospital on their death beds and not in their rooms watching ¡®You¡¯ve Got Mail¡±. Either the medical field made major advances in cancer research or my mom held something terrible from me. Was there something I could have done to prevent this? If I had not kept her up all those nights worrying about me, would she be going through all of this? I understood mothers made sacrifices for their kids, but how could her current struggle be necessary just so an immature kid could live his life the way he wanted to? Either my mother wanted me to believe she wasn¡¯t sick or I wanted to believe she wasn¡¯t sick. Either way, there wasn¡¯t much denial left for either of us.
As busy season picked up a full head of steam and twelve hour days became mandatory, I suddenly felt buried alive with pressure as sleep was now of the utmost importance. The eye of this perfect storm of broken dreams would stay on me for the next seven weeks as I held onto all I had left at this point; faith. The kind that hopes, wishes and dreams truly were the three things in life you never gave up on, and when Anya texted me the next morning, I held on to all three for dear life.
ANYA: ¡°Good morning!¡±
It used to bother me whenever I got a quick ¡°good morning¡± text from her, but now I inhaled them like a deep sea diver who begged for oxygen just before the bends. Her short morning texts I viewed in a more positive light as they didn¡¯t want to talk to me but rather the opposite. She also wanted me to know I was on her mind regardless of how busy she was.
ME: ¡°Good morning!¡±
After the news my mother gave me, her texts meant more than they did before, as I needed her in my life more than ever. Of course, I wanted to ask her how she was doing, but she was probably in a rush and as clingy as I felt, I didn¡¯t want to appear needy.
While on my lunch break though, she reached out to me again.
ANYA: ¡°I was sorting through my old pics and I just sent u one via your email. I don¡¯t think u have one of just me.¡±
ME: ¡°I won¡¯t be able to check my email until I get home tonight, but you gave me something to look forward to tonight! Thank you, babe!¡±
To see her beautiful face would¡¯ve been nice at this moment, but I couldn¡¯t access my email from my cell phone and only through my desktop computer. I wanted to return the favor, but I never took pictures of myself nor had any good ones taken of me. My mother put together a scrap book photo album of me, but I¡¯d have to tear the pictures out of it, and I had no means to scan them so I could email them to her. I doubt she could have kept one of me around anyway.
That evening, the firm called dinner in for us at the office, but it was from a ¡°ribs¡± joint so I decided to leave the office to grab something else to eat across the street. As I walked over, I texted Anya to see what she was up to.
ANYA: ¡°Good baby! U don¡¯t like ribs? How come? BBQ flavor? Just leaving to get the kids.¡±
ME: ¡°They¡¯re really messy! I need like a hundred napkins and I can never enjoy myself because I¡¯m too busy wiping my sticky hands!
ANYA: ¡°Oh I c! I agree!¡±
ME: ¡°I like the BBQ flavor but they require too much work to eat.¡±
ANYA: ¡°I¡¯d cut it up for u!¡±
The hardest part for me at times, why I struggled so mightily, was brought to light with her text. If an outsider were to read this text, and were to know of my love for her, how could they not understand how much she meant to me? This was the kind of love you fought for and believed in, especially when you could tell by this sweet gesture, I meant just as much to her, if not more. Remove the circumstances around our relationship, and people would be appalled if I were to turn my back on this kind of love. Do you know how much I needed her love for me? Why it was so impossible for me to throw away and say good bye to? Every single night of my life, I dined alone and to have someone love me enough to volunteer to do this for me so I could enjoy a meal, was everything good to fight for in life, more valuable to me than money. If one wondered why I struggled so much, why I loved her so dearly to endure all I did, just take a look at this text, and realize how much this woman meant to me. Yet all of her beauty, never just skin deep, remained from my grasp. The beauty of her love shone through at a time I hurt so deeply because of what I learned the previous evening, it left me an emotional wreck. I then had to compose myself and look downwards while people walked past me as I quickly swiped to dry my eyes. Like her request to have something from me to wear, her sweet words gave me hope she still believed in us. I¡¯ve had girlfriends who were always free to love me. They were never held back by other responsibilities, or kids and were free to see me at any time yet Anya made herself more available to me than any of my prior girlfriends ever did. Another reason I couldn¡¯t give up on our love for each other.
ME: ¡°That¡¯s the sweetest thing anyone has ever offered to do for me, babe. I¡¯ve never had a girlfriend offer to do that for me before. I miss you to death. Are you doing ok, sweetheart?¡±
ANYA: ¡°I miss you to death too. Idk I have good days and bad days. I don¡¯t have anything of yours to hold onto. Not even a picture. I read my saved texts when I¡¯m sad.¡±
ME: ¡°You still have those texts saved to your phone?¡±
ANYA: ¡°Of course I do. I still have ¡°all you know¡±.
ME: ¡°I thought for sure once your husband confronted you that you got rid of them.¡±
ANYA: ¡°No. July 17th, 2008. I miss u like crazy. I want to see you so bad.¡±
And just like that, Anya¡¯s love negated all the negative emotions I felt earlier, at a time I desperately needed to feel her love. When Anya shared she held onto the ¡°saved texts¡±, it again filled me with hope for us that Katie¡¯s essay wasn¡¯t the end. These were the texts imported directly from my heart and soul when she told me she still ¡°didn¡¯t know¡±, while she was away in New York City with her daughter for a dance competition, to inform her of all I did know. She wanted to see me ¡°so bad¡±. She missed me ¡°like crazy¡±. These were the things I had to fight for her to have. For me to let her go would not only be pure abandonment, but inhumane. Love always caught the people who fell, and I planned to follow suit. She didn¡¯t deserve a life devoid of anything less than true love. We had something special we both built over the last fourteen plus months, and because of that, I truly believed her kids would come to understand one day. I would never allow our love to wreck Andrew and Katie, and if I believed it would, I¡¯d have no choice but to walk. I had a plan for them to understand one day, and I had to do everything in my power to be a perfect complement to their father, and also add years to the life of their mother. I would take full responsibility for the safety of her heart and for her happiness. They would both learn their mother was full of warmth and love, and selfless in her love for them. Their mother was simply, my soulmate, and our love wasn¡¯t a relationship of luxury but rather necessity. Anya held onto my saved texts for a reason and I liked to think it was because she believed in my love for her, and she believed in us. Her letter to me on Valentine¡¯s Day claimed she was letting go, but her words today told me just the opposite so how could I ever do such a thing when I knew I meant this much to her?
ME: ¡°I want to see you bad too. I miss looking into your eyes. I miss your touch and you being in my arms.¡±
ANYA: ¡°I miss looking into your eyes too. I miss everything.¡±
ME: ¡°I love you.¡±
ANYA: ¡°I really love you.¡±
ME: ¡°If you weren¡¯t the person you are, I would have probably killed myself the other day.¡±
ANYA: ¡°What r u talking about?
ME: ¡°If you would have just sent me your letter and I never heard from you again, I don¡¯t think I¡¯d have been able to go through that. I¡¯m thankful you can look past yourself in this situation.¡±
ANYA: ¡°Only b/c I have done the same and I know how much it hurts and I¡¯m in love with you.¡±
ME: ¡°Thank you for caring enough about my heart.¡±
ANYA: ¡°Thank you for taking care of my heart too.¡±
ME: ¡°Always and forever, babe.¡±
ANYA: ¡°Always and forever. Isn¡¯t that a song?¡±
ME: ¡°Oh crap. I think it is! Another one of those!¡±
ANYA: ¡°Haha!¡±
Why did all these popular songs feel like they were written about extramarital relationships? Have we all been deceived all these years? Did unforbidden love ever feel that strong? With both the pain of a lost relationship, my mother¡¯s illness, and the stress that began to suffocate me at work, I might have taken my own life, as my ¡°once upon a time¡± simple life reached a point of no mental return. The unusual stress and pressure took me away from the sanctuary of writing I used to deal with any negative emotions. Since I couldn¡¯t spend time with Anya as much since Katie¡¯s essay, I began to self-medicate through Vicodin to fill the void. In the past, I only used them to mask the pain of those times the fa?ade of Anya¡¯s marriage got the best of me. Unknown to me at this time, however, what I thought was only an uphill climb, turned into a mental endurance test of Mount Everest proportions as this battle against my low self esteem and perpetual stress I was never prepared for.
I never blamed my father for my self esteem issues, but after I absorbed a lifetime of putdowns from him, used by him as means of motivation, it was impossible not to see him as one of the sources behind my self destruction. I was the first person in my entire family to earn a bachelor¡¯s degree and then pass the CPA exam the first time I ever took it so I never saw the need for his abusive tendencies. Behind it all, I think my father, at least subconsciously, blamed me for the sacrifices he had to make in his own life when he got my mother pregnant. It just felt like he took a lot of his anger with life out on me, and I was born for that purpose. I didn¡¯t hate my father, but I did hold him somewhat responsible for the way I felt about myself at times. Otherwise, why would a father ever choose to tear their child down instead of build them up, especially one who had the drive and ambition as I did? I had to admit, it made me angry to think about and it no doubt added to the frustration I felt about Anya¡¯s indecision simply because I expected more from a person who loved me. It¡¯s why I really held those who loved me to such a high standard, because of the way my father showed his love for me. Let¡¯s face it, a person of high self esteem never allowed the same things to get them down, that got me down, and if it was instilled in me at a younger age by someone who loved me, I think I¡¯d handle all of this much better. Even be strong enough to say goodbye if I had to, but love was important in life to have. Anya proved it every day and if it was that important to her, it was absolutely imperative to me. I couldn¡¯t change how my past had weakened me, as I faced a demon of monster proportions, and he had me right where he wanted me. This battle for was not only for Anya¡¯s happiness, and for the happiness she brought me, or a battle I waged against Jackson¡¯s idea of marriage being unrealistic, but seemed to now shape up as one against my own self as well.
I didn¡¯t want to burden Anya with the news about my mother, and I especially didn¡¯t want her to feel bad for me, but it worried me to the point I couldn¡¯t think of anything else. Since she was a nurse, maybe she could help alleviate the anxiety and anguish I had over it? I didn¡¯t want to be selfish but even as I felt some uncertainty, there was no one else I trusted more than Anya. I just didn¡¯t want her to worry about me.
ME: ¡°When I visited my mother last night, she told me she would have to be on chemo for the rest of her life. She says her cancer is now in her liver and lungs. It¡¯s not spreading per se, they have it under control, but it¡¯s in stage 4. She¡¯s lost her hair from the chemo but I¡¯ve known since Christmas. She didn¡¯t know I knew, but showed me her wig last night.¡±
ANYA: ¡°OMG! Do u want to talk in a bit?¡±
ME: ¡°Oh no, babe. I¡¯m fine. I don¡¯t want to be a burden on you. Just wanted to share it with you in case I seem different at all. I just have a lot on my mind.¡±
ANYA: ¡°Hun u could never be. I¡¯m so sorry. Want to call me when you leave work? Wish I could see u.¡±
ME: ¡°I¡¯m ok, babe. Please don¡¯t worry about me. It¡¯ll take you away from your kids and I don¡¯t want to do that. Thank you though.¡±
ANYA: ¡°No. I want to talk to you. We don¡¯t have to get into it. Please babe?¡±
I didn¡¯t expect she wanted to talk with me about this at all as her kindness caught me my complete surprise. She was very sweet to me lately though so I don¡¯t know why it did. I would never want her to deny me a chance to show her how much I cared, so I thought this presented a chance for us to feel closer and to know a part of me I didn¡¯t really know myself.
ME: ¡°I don¡¯t know what time I¡¯ll be out of here tonight though. Can I text you when I leave? It might be late and I don¡¯t want to keep you up.¡±
ANYA: ¡°Ok just text me when you can talk and I will make myself available.¡±
ME: ¡°Ok, Sweetheart. Thank you.¡±
ANYA: ¡°Don¡¯t leave work early to talk to me. I¡¯ll be up for a while.¡±
ME: ¡°It might be a little late tonight though.¡±
ANYA: ¡°No worries. Take your time.¡±
What Anya didn¡¯t realize was how much this scared me, not only for my mother, but for her. How much it haunted me to imagine the person I loved so much to experience the same one day, the way my mother had, and if Katie and Andrew learned the news the way I did. Although Anya appeared to live a healthier lifestyle, my mother didn¡¯t live an unhealthy one, so I blamed a steady diet of stress for all of this. All it took were moments of great sadness and worry to accumulate over time, before the stress overwhelmingly changed someone¡¯s time line. This only added to the torment and the frustration I felt about Anya¡¯s decision to stay for the sake of the kids, as it only revealed the truth in how change was not only necessary for growth but also necessary for life. I just couldn¡¯t let this happen to her, and to Katie and Andrew, if I could as there was more at stake here than what appeared in front of us.
When I left work at eight, I texted her to ask if I still had the green light to call. This was an unusual late Friday night at the office for me, as during busy season we worked early on Saturdays as well. She texted me right back to let me know to call. I felt relief just upon the sound of her voice as talked for about fifteen minutes as I tried to keep it brief. The comfort I found in her voice and kind words really saved me from a sleepless night as she listened to me as if every single word, I had to say, held great importance to her. Anya¡¯s genuine concern suggested she experienced this kind of thing before as it made me a little more fearful that she knew things that I didn¡¯t know about my mother¡¯s condition. She really helped me though with my feelings of guilt, as I felt better and ready for bed when I got off the phone with her.
I had one thing to do before I could go to sleep that evening; to see the picture Anya sent me earlier. After the picture downloaded and I was able to open the file to view it, I knew at that same instant it would be my default screensaver. The picture she sent me of herself was the kind of beauty you¡¯d see on the red carpet. She wore a red dress that bared her shoulders, with lipstick to match that brought to life her beautiful smile. The look in her dark eyes were the same ones I missed so much whenever I looked at her as her elegant dark hair stole my breath away. She clutched a handbag to her right side as her toned tan arms highlighted her shapely body, as it made me miss the smell of her skin lotion and perfume. Every single thing about Anya, that made my heart want to escape its chamber everytime I saw her, was captured in the picture she sent me as I desperately longed to have her beauty in my arms again. I stared at her picture for at least twenty minutes as I wondered how any man, in their right mind, could ever cheat on such a perfect woman as Jackson¡¯s infidelities were once again beyond my comprehension.
The next morning, before I left for the office on a Saturday, I texted Anya to ask if I could have my breath back because she took it away from me. She sent me a ¡°Haha!¡± text and thanked me for something I only should only have thanked her for. She then texted to let me know she felt bad for me and my family, and that she was ¡°here¡± for me. I wouldn¡¯t have wanted to burden her anyway, but it made me sad when I didn¡¯t hear back from her for the rest of the day, as this Saturday marked the first one since her letter to me, which made a usual hard night for me, much harder. I texted her at around seven that evening. to let her know I missed her, and she texted me back to let me know the same, but it only made me feel lonelier as I decided to try and sleep it off.
The next day, after a silent Saturday from Anya left my mind with third degree burns, I challenged myself to only consider positive thoughts as an unpredictable storm hovered above me. With the seriousness of my mother¡¯s illness now in play, I had to work harder mentally to accentuate the good things in my life in an effort to not lose the big picture focus as a slippery slope waited, even begged, for me to slip. If I couldn¡¯t be with her, or hear from her, then I¡¯d have to do things that made me she was with me in some way to help with the missing. It was then I decided to bring up her picture on my computer screen to not only capture her beauty in my eyes again, but to also study it. After I spent a few of those minutes on her neckline, I decided it was finally time to honor her request.
ME: ¡°Good morning! I hope you¡¯re doing well! I¡¯m headed out to get you a thingie for you to wear and hold today. I¡¯ll keep you updated!¡±
As I remembered her smile and excitement through the texts she sent me just a few days ago, I couldn¡¯t wait to see her reaction to my text as I tested her weekend of silence.
ANYA: ¡°Is this going to mess things up? I don¡¯t want you to do it if it¡¯s going to be too hard on you.¡±
And Just like that, like a moth to a flame, my negative emotions preyed on my positive ones. It seemed like she sent me a message; that she would not be available on the weekends as much anymore, if at all. The coldness of her response stung me as if I stuck my head right into a beehive, at a time I desperately needed to feel her love for me. I felt she should¡¯ve relayed this information to me last week, and not now. It seemed I dealt with two different people now; the Anya on the weekdays who needed me, and the Any on the weekends who didn¡¯t as I felt on some level, spent. What did she fear this could ruin? Why did she think this would be hard on me buying her something she asked for? Who was she?
ME: ¡°Mess me up?¡±
ANYA: ¡°Your emotions.¡±
How could me buying her something for her to wear, something she asked of me, mess up my emotions? This fear led me to consider something even far scarier. If she feared this could mess with my emotions, and she felt all the same things I did for her, wouldn¡¯t this mess up her emotions as well? If she cared so much about my emotions, how come she asked for something to wear from me not once, but twice?
ME: ¡°I¡¯ll be ok. Will you be ok though? Will this mess you up as well?¡±
ANYA: ¡°I¡¯ll be ok. I¡¯m the one who asked for something to keep. Remember?¡±
Her attitude this morning, and her inconsistency at a time I really needed to feel something good about things in my life, disheartened me once again. How did she think such responses would make me feel? If she was bold enough to ask me for something to wear, did it mean she was able to control her emotions for me now? How can one control the love you feel for someone when love is an emotion? I just felt if she cared about how much this would affect me emotionally, then she should have never asked the first time, let alone the second time.
ME: ¡°I remember so why are you asking me this now?¡±
ANYA: ¡°I miss u so much that I wanted to wear something of yours to feel close to you.¡±
I then considered, what if she worried about my emotional instability because of my mother¡¯s illness? She asked me for the necklace before I broke that news to her, so now it worried her because there was another emotional element within me now, a raw one too. After I read her text and considered her concern, I felt a little better as I realized she feared to lose what we still had left.
ME: ¡°If that¡¯s the truth, I should be fine, babe.¡±
ANYA: ¡°I should be fine or you will be fine? Big difference.¡±
After her response, I found it now my duty to remind her of what love essentially was.
ME: ¡°Love is an emotion, babe. I¡¯ll be fine.¡±
How could she not understand that it didn¡¯t help me emotionally when she pulled a Houdini on the weekends? Could she not understand how I could be affected by her disappearing act? Love was an emotion, and now, after she allowed and encouraged me for fourteen plus months to not only fall in love with her, but to fall deeply in love with her, she now tried to control my something at times I didn¡¯t have control of myself? Why not try to be as loving on the weekends towards me as you are on the weekdays if you want my emotions to be consistent? As much as she was under the gun at home, I was also under the gun now left to deal with my mother¡¯s illness and a work load that piled up on top of it. It wasn¡¯t a picnic for me at times either. Just a few days ago she showed me nothing but joy and excitement when I told her I would pick her up something to wear and hold, and now all of sudden, I get a second face? I understood her fear, but the tone of her texts made a tough weekend on me even tougher. If she couldn¡¯t understand that love was an emotion, in fact probably the strongest and rawest one a human being could experience because of the highs and lows it brings, then how could she expect me to understand her struggle with Katie? I refused to argue with her, but her remarks had a caustic quality I didn¡¯t appreciate especially after such a long week of unexpected events. Given her knowledge of the volatility of emotions I experienced in just a week¡¯s time, from her letter, to the excitement I felt when we reconnected, and to the news of my mother¡¯s Cancer prognosis, how could she carry such a tone void of love? In her defense, I had to acknowledge a greater risk of emotional instability with me existed because of my mom¡¯s bad news. I didn¡¯t want to mess things up emotionally as badly as she didn¡¯t want me to, but her inconsistent behavior carried a greater risk of messing me up emotionally than something she wanted from me. The last thing I wanted was for both of us to hurt anymore, but I needed her to be act like a woman who was not only in love with me, but also knew what love essentially was because any deviation from what is to be expected from someone in love, would allow a greater risk of emotional instability to reside within me.
As the day progressed, and I gazed through a multitude of jewelry store windows at the mall, I couldn¡¯t find the strength to walk inside of one, as Anya¡¯s silence and the loveless tone of her texts stole away the bravado I had. I walked through the mall like a zombie, unable to escape Anya¡¯s concerns from earlier. When I made the decision to leave about four hours into my Sunday afternoon mission, Anya sent me a text.
ANYA: ¡°Am I taking up your whole day babe?¡±
When I read her text, I flashbacked to her earlier caustic remarks. As the fear she planned to abandon me, with all I felt, it only left me to wonder why she felt guilty about taking half of my day, but never all the half days that added up the last fifteen months of my life. I know she meant no harm in what she texted to me, but I felt a part of me had been raped by her inconsistent love on this day after she made me feel safe and gave me hope just days ago. She should have felt this way over a year ago, when we reconnected after five months apart, to consider what I learned now. Regardless of how I felt, at this point in our relationship, I feared the pain her loss would cause over the pain I felt with her still in my life, so I hid how her texts made me feel.
ME: ¡°Not at all, babe.¡±
ANYA: ¡°I can¡¯t wait! Smilin!¡±
ME: ¡°You might not have it today, but just know it¡¯s because I want it to define our love perfectly.¡±
ANYA: ¡°I appreciate all challenges baby.¡±
After I read her text, the return of her excitement brought me peace as I felt relieved, and thankful, I fought off the urge to tell her how I truly felt as her heart seemed to be back in tune with mine. I also had to recognize as I tussled with a fear of abandonment with all these feelings, that the stress and fatigue made me sensitive to everything around me, and Anya was the only source of happiness I had left. I didn¡¯t have children of my own to provide me with another form of joy once in a while, and it would take me years to ever trust in love again enough to have children of my own one day if I lost her love. I went into this relationship caring about only her happiness, but now mine mattered too, as my career and all I worked for hung in the balance. My profession was a mental one and I needed to be sharp and focused, and any inconsistency in Anya¡¯s love for me affected me enough now that it felt like a death sentence.
I knew one thing was certain though; I needed the universe¡¯s help now more than ever. I needed to know the Universe still sided with me and on our side.
I needed another message.
Another sign.
I guess what I didn¡¯t know at the time was, I needed a miracle.
CHAPTER 36 ~ STROKES FROM THE UNSEEN PAINTER
¡°Believing in signs can seem superstitious, but it can be the most subtle way for the universe to communicate.¡±
~ Sumanth Samprathi
Later that evening on the twenty-second day of February in the year two thousand nine, a Sunday, Anya informed me she had an Academy Awards viewing pajama party at a neighbor¡¯s house to go to.
ME: ¡°That sounds like a lot fun! I bet you look cute in your pj¡¯s!¡±
ANYA: ¡°Frumpy.¡±
ME: ¡°Hey, I didn¡¯t ask for an accurate description of me in my pj¡¯s!¡±
ANYA: ¡°Ha!¡±
This weekend created havoc on me mentally as my low sense of self seemed to drop to a record depth as I imagined another ¡°Jackson and Anya Caiaphas¡± social scene, but this time with a bedroom attire themed party. Nothing seemed to stop Anya as she continued to nurture the fa?ade of her marriage, like a political campaign. I hardly knew my neighbors so I never anticipated they were like family to Anya, and my heart would be condemned to her sinister social scene. Only if I knew enough to ask would I have gained the truth from Anya, and by the time I wondered about things, my fate had already been sealed due to the depth of my feelings for her. Without my knowledge and with all my trust, she made the decision to hide things unless I asked about them, when we reconnected. This tactic now haunted me as the things she did with and for Jackson started to break me. After all the awful things she shared about him, the only reason I chose to be in her life, this fear should simply never exist after she allowed me to fall in love with her. I tried to not dwell on it, and even tried to understand it was something she had to do for her children, but the loneliness of my four bedroom walls, nailed to a bed unable to move, as a social event she felt comfortable enough to wear her bedroom attire to, took place that not only expanded the schism between our worlds but also my heartbreak, made it damn near impossible to comprehend. I fought to convince myself this was just part of the road I had to travel upon to reach home but it was hard to ignore I didn¡¯t know I signed up for my own self vanquish. I loved her though, and as long as I got to the light of tomorrow, through a pill if I had to, I¡¯d do everything in my control to not take her happiness and hope from her. To be noble against all odds, and to believe and trust in her love so she could continue raising her kids without unwanted distractions and sadness. I truly believed she loved me enough to realize my importance in her life, as she even held on to my ¡°All I Know¡± texts, and if they meant that much to her, words I meant every syllable with, then they meant even more to me. I wanted her to be happy. I wanted to be noble so she felt safe to choose happiness. I wanted her to know no man on this earth could love her better and as much as I did. I had no plans to succumb to my pain as I tried within available reason to understand why the fa?ade still existed, and why it continued to hurt me. A boxer couldn¡¯t lose a fight if he never got hit, and my mentality had to be the same here. But even as I tried to defend my mind from the hits I took, I still needed guidance from my coach, the Universe, as the blows began to break through the heart of my defense.
Either to feel close to her or to torture myself, I decided to do something I never did, watch the Academy Awards. As I viewed them, it brought me back to the time we watched the Super Bowl together last year, something we were unable to do this year. But it also brought me back to a time I wanted to forget. The time she got upset when I showed up at the movies after I changed my mind about going, as the movie we saw ¡°Slumdog Millionaire¡±, won best picture. It surprised me when they announced it won best picture because I didn¡¯t think much about the movie. The again, that showed how Anya¡¯s reaction to my change of heart that day affected my ability to focus on anything but my mental anguish. If the things she did at time was able to take me away from enjoying the best movie of the year, how easy was it to lose focus on the boring world of accounting?
I remembered all the times she used social events as a way to talk to me. When she went to the halftime Super Bowl party, she texted me. Even the night she went to watch ¡°The Bachelorette¡± with her daughter at a neighbor¡¯s house, she texted me throughout. This time however, I felt disheartened when didn¡¯t hear from her until she texted me upon her return home so she never knew I watched them with her too.
ANYA: ¡°Just got home. That was fun!¡±
ME: ¡°Very happy to hear you had a fun time!¡±
I truly wanted her to have a fun time, but with all this fun with the neighbors, what incentive did she have to leave? If she needed a lift or struggled with her marriage, she could just escape to a neighborhood outing. And if I ever needed a lift, I could always visit my mother who battled cancer to cheer me up. I couldn¡¯t escape the schism in our lives as I realized I extended a safe place to someone, who had her choice of them. She told me she felt stuck yet seemed to be more than fine with that arrangement. I felt she led me to believe she was someone who had as much outlets to happiness as I did, and it began to trouble me deeply to learn otherwise. Was it my fault I didn¡¯t have these things, though? And was it her fault that she did? I just wished she had been more upfront about her life before I made the decision to be a part of it. If she had other means to happiness, like neighbor parties, why did she allow me to think she never did? More than ever it seemed my love was never oxygen to her, but only a lung.
Unable to sleep I decided to write in my journal to get my thoughts on paper, but the first thing I saw when my computer booted up, was the picture she sent me, now my default screen saver. I then got lost in her beauty again, as if it was the first time she appeared before me. As my love and longing deepened, I composed a text to her as I tried to derail my negative feelings over the weekend.
ME: ¡°I know you¡¯re sleeping and I hope you have your phone off. I just needed to tell you I just love the picture you gave me. I think a lot of people would look at it and tell you how beautiful you are, but I think that¡¯s just stating the obvious. What makes it beautiful for me is everytime I look at it, it makes me miss you. For instance, when I gaze at your hair, I miss finding traces of you in my room or in my car. When I focus on your smile, I miss feeling your lips against mine and seeing you whisper the words ¡°I love you¡± from them. When I look at the dress you¡¯re wearing as it comes down slightly past your shoulders, I miss the feeling of your body against my chest. When I see the light shining brilliantly off your skin, it makes me miss the feel of yours against mine. When I observe your arms, I miss feeling the inside of your elbow with my thumb when I move my hands along your arms. When I see your hands, I miss my own being inside of them. Last but not least, when I see your eyes, I miss them looking into mine. It really is the most beautiful picture of any woman I¡¯ve ever seen in my life but that¡¯s because I see it not only with my eyes but also with my heart. To me, it¡¯s far beyond just a beautiful picture of you. It¡¯s actually, art. A masterpiece.¡±
When the next morning arrived, at five minutes past five to be exact, Anya sent me a text.
ANYA: ¡°Good morning! It¡¯s early waiting to go running w/the girls. Wow. Thank u for the text! That was beautiful. Amazing how you see the pic differently!¡±
ME: ¡°Good morning! You¡¯re an amazing woman so maybe that explains why it¡¯s amazing I see the pic differently! It really is a masterpiece of you. Thank you again for sending it to me.¡±
ANYA: ¡°It was beautiful babe. Did u have a goodnight? Ready for the week?¡±
ME: ¡°My night was ok. Ugh¡I¡¯m as ready as I can be. Did you sleep well? Busy day today?¡±
ANYA: ¡°I did sleep well! Needed it! Always busy babe! I miss you.¡±
ME: ¡°I should know by now huh? I miss you too babe.¡±
ANYA: ¡°I miss you more!¡±
ME: ¡°Ha! Impossible!¡±
After a weekend of negative thoughts, the week got off to a much better start as I needed to really focus at work. I had fallen a bit behind on the planning stages on some of my new client engagements. The partner in charge of these particular engagements had a hot temper and lashed out at his managers if they fell behind. Even the manager who helped reel in the big fish was not exempt from his ire as he promised these clients their audit deadline would be met. Although I had yet to feel his wrath, that possibility always lingered as a manager on his audit engagements. With a relationship on my mind, I worked desperately to nurture and save, along with the unexpected news about my mother¡¯s Cancer, my attention and focus was needed to ensure these new client engagements made their promised deadlines. I also noticed some of my new staff fell behind on their end of the deal which began to concern me as it seemed more hours were needed than I budgeted for. If the partner wanted to rip me to shreds, I could take it, but I couldn¡¯t allow him to rip into and then discourage a younger staff member who worked really hard to build a good reputation with the firm.
As I tried to ascertain how many more hours were needed to be done on this particular client to wrap up the audit planning stage, Anya sent me a text.
ANYA: ¡°Hope ur having a nice day.¡±
ME: ¡°Hope you¡¯re having a nicer one! It looks like I dropped the ball on some of the planning work. Looks like another late night for me. I miss you.¡±
ANYA: ¡°I¡¯m sorry babe. Working on an event coming up. A networking symposium and dinner. I miss u more. Ha!¡±
When I read Anya¡¯s text, my heart began to beat as if I just slammed a cup of coffee as it presented the opportunity to find out when it was.
ME: ¡°Impossible! What date is your event set for?¡±
ANYA: ¡°Not sure of the date yet babe. Why? Do you want to be my date?¡±
ME: ¡°Ha! I¡¯d love to be your date!¡±
ANYA: ¡°I wish! I love you.¡±
ME: ¡°I love you too.¡±
To hear Anya worked to put this event together, an event she had no idea I would be in attendance at, only put more stress upon me as I struggled to tell her about everything. I didn¡¯t feel too guilty about it though because I felt she should¡¯ve told me who her husband was on the night we decided to pursue a relationship, since he was a fairly prominent person in the business world. Especially since his status was one of the reasons she remained his wife. What I learned over time helped me to understand better why Lance left her as it seemed the kids were not the reason behind it, like I was told. On his website, Lance seemed to perform mostly for B and C list celebs, politicians and business leaders. His singing days for high end clientele however would be over if people learned he had a salacious extramarital affair. This also brought to light why Anya hid many things from me, in the fear our relationship would end just like hers did with Lance. That I¡¯d abandon her due to the pressure and fear of the loss my reputation. Lance knew from the very beginning what awaited him as he had access to the inside of her world. Access, I never had the luxury of. He saw from the beginning things I couldn¡¯t, so that¡¯s why he abandoned her; he knew what he was up against from the beginning, while I never got that opportunity. What Anya failed to realize was that I valued her above everything else, even my reputation as I believed in our love. And if it came down to a choice between my partnership, something I worked hard for over the last ten years, I would¡¯ve chosen her even if the number of months we spent together were under fifteen. No one and nothing else could compete with the love I had for Anya, rep included. I knew myself, and I always followed what felt right in my heart. I was proud of my love for her and all we built together, and felt no shame about any of it. I knew the truth, and the real reason I was in her life as a goodness resided in our love that even she acknowledged, as this was not for any purpose of evil or hatred, but rather what was just, right and fair. While others pretended to know what love was. I lived it every single day as I refused to let a capitalistic driven society tell me otherwise.
ME: ¡°I¡¯ll have to work late tonight because one of my staff members didn¡¯t finish the planning so I¡¯ll have to wrap those up for him tonight. I have no idea why he didn¡¯t finish them.¡±
ANYA: ¡°Cuz he¡¯s on his duff!¡±
ME: ¡°He might be!! Hey, where did you get that word from?¡±
ANYA: ¡°U taught me that word!¡±
ME: ¡°You did? Wow! You¡¯re like a sponge! I forgot I used that word around you before.¡±
ANYA: ¡°Ha! Never used it b4 tho.¡±
ME: ¡°You sound like a pro! Make those kids in the magnet class you sat in when Katie was doing her high school tour feel like the dumb sh*ts!¡±
ANYA: ¡°Haha! Yea right!¡±
As my fifteen hour day finally reached its end, Anya sent me a text as I packed up at around nine.
ANYA: ¡°Goodnight u!¡±
ME: ¡°Goodnight u 2!¡±
Grateful I got through the day with mostly positive thoughts, I hoped to fade into tomorrow with ease but before I could, I went online for a little bit. For some reason, probably in a state of delirium after such a long day, I decided to google the word ¡°love¡± to see what came up out of curiosity. What I found seemed to be sent especially to me by the universe as I thought it would make a nice present for Anya to wake up to in the morning.
ME: ¡°My angel, my all, my own self, only a few words today, and that too with yours. What abominable waste of time in such things. Why this deep grief when necessity speaks? Can our love persist otherwise through sacrifices, than by not demanding everything? Canst thou change it, that thou are entirely thine? Oh, God look into beautiful nature and compose your mind to the inevitable. Love demands everything and is quite right, so it is for me with you, for with me, only you forget so easily that I must live for you and for me, were we quite united, you would notice this painful feeling as little as I should.¡±
ME: ¡°You suffer, you, my dearest creature. Where I am, you are with me, with me and you, I shall arrange that I may live with you. What a life! So! Without you, pursued by the kindness of the people here and there, whom I mean to desire to earn just as little as they earn, humility of man towards men, it pains me, and when I regard myself in connections with the Universe, what I am and what he is, whom one calls the greatest and yet there lies herein again the godlike of man. I weep when I think you will probably only receive on Saturday the first news from me ¨C as you too love ¨C yet I love you stronger, but never hide yourself from me. Oh God ¨C so near! So far! Is it not a real building of heaven, our Love ¨C but as firm, too, as the citadel of heaven.¡±
ME: ¡°Even in bed my ideas yearn towards you, my Immortal Beloved, here and there joyfully, then again sadly, awaiting from Fate, whether it will listen to us. Yes, I have determined to wander about for so long, far away, until I can fly into your arms and call myself quite at home with you, can send my soul enveloped by yours into the realm of spirits. Yes, I regret it must be. You will get over it all the more as you know my faithfulness to you; never another one can own my heart, never ¨C never! O God, why must one go away from what one loves so, and yet my life, as it is now, is a miserable life. Your love made me the happiest and unhappiest at the same time. At my actual age I should need some continuity, sameness of life, can that exist under our circumstances? Be calm, love me today; yesterday.¡±
ME: ¡°What longing in tears for you. You. My life. My all. Never doubt the faithfullest heart of your beloved. Ever thine. Ever mine. Ever ours.¡±
I removed the parts that didn¡¯t pertain to us, but I had no idea this even existed as it was just a quote I found when I did a search of the word ¡°love¡±. And I couldn¡¯t text all of this fast enough to her as I anticipated her response to it in the morning.
ANYA: ¡°Good morning! OMG! Where did this come from?¡±
ME: ¡°I wrote it this morning. Not bad huh?¡±
ANYA: ¡°What!¡±
ME: ¡°Just kidding! It¡¯s from letters written by Beethoven back in 1812 called ¡°Immortal Beloved¡± Crazy huh?¡±
ANYA: ¡°Wow!¡±
ME: ¡°R u going in to the office today? How r u?¡±
ANYA: ¡°No actually not going this morn. Working at home. Facial at 12. I¡¯m good except I miss u. How r u?¡±
ME: ¡°I feel the same way you do. I¡¯m trying to get your ¡°thingie¡± because I¡¯m dying to see you again! I really miss you babe.¡±
ANYA: ¡°I miss u and want to see u too! I¡¯m dying. I miss your touch. I miss your taste. Hungry for you. Office for a bit tomorrow.¡±
ME: ¡°I miss all of you, babe.¡±
¡°I¡¯m dying¡± hit me hard as I knew the feeling all too well. Any person who loved someone had to pay attention to these things as she continued to ignore herself. Something she would always do if I failed to ignore it myself. How do I, in my right mind, let her go only to die even in only a mental capacity? A mother of two? I truly believed having me in her life benefited her kids more than it could ever hurt them. Unless Anya was the second coming of Meryl Streep then I could be wrong, but her love for me always became more evident and deepened at those times we were ¡°apart¡±. If our love only grew fonder at those times, wasn¡¯t that the greatest litmus test to determine if we were meant for each other? I couldn¡¯t believe Anya encouraged and allowed me to feel all I did for nothing. Her sadness shook my heart as I made it my mission to save her from herself.
Later that afternoon, Anya sent me a text.
ANYA: ¡°I was just reading that historians feel that the letters were written to a married woman who he loved dearly. ???¡±
ME: ¡°I didn¡¯t know that but from reading it, I got the impression his circumstances sound similar to ours.¡±
When I first read Beethoven¡¯s ¡°Immortal Beloved¡±, an eerie sense wrenched my gut as the dilemma of this musical genius lived through me. That somehow Anya and I lived this same relationship in a past life, and here we were to try again. I guess if the great Beethoven couldn¡¯t woo her to him, a guy like myself who had no such talent, shouldn¡¯t have felt so bad. I doubt however Beethoven took the same precautions I did as I never wanted to fall in love unless I could be with the one I loved. Anya led me to trust the situation, I now found myself in, did not exist. I doubt Beethoven had the wherewithal, like I did, to walk away. And if he reconnected with her months later, and received assurances he would not ever be in the position to write ¡°Immortal Beloved¡± in the first place, that piece would never of had a reason to be written. The struggle I had with Anya made me wonder if things would be different if I lived in the age of Beethoven. If I was filthy rich, would her issues exist at all? Even as I felt these things, I refused to accuse her or to form my own conclusions based on a false or speculative narrative; what I didn¡¯t know to be true. It also broke my heart to see her suffer and to feel sadness of any kind, as I knew that feeling all too well. I could always disappear into the loneliness of my apartment but Anya couldn¡¯t, and maybe that¡¯s why she went to neighbor social events to hide her sorrow from the kids? At any rate, the truth would eventually reveal itself, either to make things right or make things horribly wrong.
ME: ¡°I miss it when we whisper to each other while our lips touch.¡±
ANYA: ¡°I miss that too baby. Miss u lots.¡±
To say it wasn¡¯t the most difficult time of my life, exacerbated by busy season and my mother¡¯s illness would be the greatest of lies ever told. After I lost Denise, I turned my life around in the right direction as I grabbed the world by its poles, but I never prepared myself for this kind of anxiety and the depression that followed it. And how did I find the peace to save my life? Through a white pill, as I sought a return to the place where I first met Anya so I could recapture what I seemed to lose.
Later that afternoon, as if the Universe sensed my plight, Anya sent me a text that gave me the peace I needed without a white pill.
ANYA: ¡°Muah!¡±
ME: ¡°What was that?¡±
ANYA: That was a kiss!¡±
ME: ¡°Oh well, I guess beggars can¡¯t be choosers! Muah! Right back at ya!¡±
ANYA: ¡°You¡¯ll never believe what is happening. You¡¯re the only person I can tell.¡±
Her text caught me by surprise as at this point in our love story, I didn¡¯t know if the next text would bring with it a new beginning, or the official end.
ME: ¡°What is it?¡±
ANYA: ¡°Andrew is on the same baseball team with the son of one of the girls he cheated on me with.¡±
ME: ¡°What? No kidding? Wow.¡±
Who could¡¯ve planned this to happen other than the universe? If we weren¡¯t meant to be together, then how was this possible? For it to be right back in her face years later after it happened, how was this not a direct rebuttal to her decision to stay for her kids? The Universe not only watched us, but it listened to us. From my stumble upon ¡°Immortal Beloved¡± to this unbelievable circumstance and potential good fortune, the spirit of Beethoven intervened to give goodness another chance.
ANYA: ¡°Andrew has his first practice game tonight and I didn¡¯t go cuz I hate her and she hates me. I don¡¯t know how this is going to shake down when we start real games.¡±
ME: ¡°Which one is it though? There have been a few.¡±
ANYA: ¡°The one that time I had to check into the hotel.¡±
ME: ¡°Why would she hate you? She was the one cheating with your husband.¡±
ANYA: ¡°Cuz I told her husband and he eventually left her. She has since remarried.¡±
ME: ¡°You had every right to do that though don¡¯t you think? I¡¯m sure you did her a favor. I¡¯m sure she¡¯s a lot happier. The fact she cheated on her husband just tells you she didn¡¯t love her husband anyway.¡±
ANYA: ¡°Whatever.¡±
I lived by the golden rule, and Anya reserved the right to let the husband know. She told the husband because she wanted to hurt her marriage the way she hurt Anya¡¯s marriage. Little did Anya know at the time, she did the woman a favor and that¡¯s the last thing she wanted to do for a woman she hated. I didn¡¯t take offense to her ¡°whatever¡± response because she wanted the woman to suffer like she did for a long time. At the time, Anya was pregnant as I was certain that caused her to be even more angry with her about what she did. She didn¡¯t want that woman to ever be happy after all the happiness she stole from her, and I could easily empathize with that. It was simply the very reason why I chose to be in her life. Anya could hate this woman all she wanted, but since this was not an isolated event, I found her ¡°hate¡± to be directed at the wrong person, although I could also understand how she felt the way she did.
ME: ¡°I doubt anything bad will happen babe. There are kids involved here.¡±
ANYA: ¡°Oh I know babe. I just don¡¯t know how I¡¯m going to be able to handle my anger. Don¡¯t want to miss Andrew¡¯s games but don¡¯t want to sit close to her either.¡±
Anya¡¯s ¡°anger¡± concerned me as these emotions suggested she still felt something for Jackson as it left me unsure if they favored us or not. She had me in her life now, so why would this still anger her? Or maybe this was the exact reaction I wanted; enough to inspire her to leave? Regardless, I took this as a good thing that could springboard her to do what I always believed to be the right thing; to end a marriage that bestowed upon her such anger and hatred that she lost the most essential part of any union; trust.
ANYA: ¡°I have an idea!¡±
ME: ¡°What¡¯s that?¡±
ANYA: ¡°Why don¡¯t you go to the games and sit with me and they can go sit together! I¡¯m brilliant!¡±
I couldn¡¯t say a tear didn¡¯t fall from my eye and a smile never formed on my face after I read her text as this new development gave me the hope I needed to formulate only positive conclusions. The universe witnessed my struggle, and now gave me a chance to return to the time we first met; without the help of a little white pill.
ME: ¡°Just let me know the time and place. That¡¯s all I need.¡±
ANYA: ¡°Haha! No cuz I know you! You¡¯d show up!¡±
ME: ¡°You bet I would! Glad you know me!¡±
ANYA: ¡°Haha! She treated me badly afterwards. She would talk about me and give me nasty looks when I would run into her around town.¡±
ME: ¡°What? Well, let¡¯s face it, babe. Who are you to be upset enough to tell her husband? I mean heaven forbid, you¡¯re only the man¡¯s pregnant wife! How dare you! She sounds so childish it¡¯s ridiculous. Well, anyone who knows you knows you¡¯re the sweetest woman on the face of the planet and you had every right to react and feel the way you did especially when you consider the timing of it all; that you were carrying his child, the second one with him, your son. The timing alone upsets me the most about it. She¡¯s not going to make many friends if she plans to run around town with someone else¡¯s husband while his wife is at home pregnant. But your husband was no better either, babe. In fact, he¡¯s more to blame than she is. She didn¡¯t seduce him into doing anything he didn¡¯t want to do. He¡¯s proven that with the others. The whole thing makes me upset for you. You know how much you mean to me.¡±
ANYA: ¡°Thank you hun. Don¡¯t get upset. Not worth it. I¡¯m glad I have you. Thanks for listening. I love you, you know.¡±
ME: ¡°I love you very much, babe. I¡¯m always on your side and I¡¯m always here if and when you need me.¡±
ANYA: ¡°I know. Thank you. I¡¯m a lucky girl to have you.¡±
ME: ¡°I¡¯m a lucky man to have your love which is the greatest feeling I¡¯ve ever known.¡±
ANYA: ¡°Thanks again for being there. On my way to get Katie Girl. Have a goodnight babe. I love you forever.¡±
ME: ¡°I¡¯m always here babe. I¡¯m not going to let you get rid of me. Goodnight my love. I love you forever.¡±
After my last text, it bummed me out she didn¡¯t talk with me about it more, but then again. she had to get Katie. I just hoped this brought her closer to home. I couldn¡¯t quit her as much as she couldn¡¯t quit me, and this was evidence to support the beauty and goodness in us, a reason ample enough on its own to support a need never to quit.
ANYA: ¡°Your last text concerns me. What did you mean by that?¡±
ME: ¡°¡± I can¡¯t quit u so I need u to quit me.¡± I¡¯m just recalling what you wrote me in your letter.¡±
After she told me my last text concerned her, my response was only meant to let her know I would always be there for her, that I couldn¡¯t quit her as much as she couldn¡¯t quit me, especially in light of the new information she just gave me. I interpreted Anya¡¯s anger to exist simply because she had to sit next to Jackson at the games. An unfairness that upset her more to know the man she wanted next to her could not be there. To picture Anya, in anguish and eight months pregnant in front of a man she didn¡¯t know, pressured to confront him about a situation that affected them both greatly under a mountain of stress, made me dislike Jackson even more than I thought possible. I could understand her anger with Jackson because he put her in that position with his deceit. I then recalled him pompous remarks and attitude in San Francisco, and when he visited my office, as I didn¡¯t know how could face him with my indifference. I fantasized about a confrontation with Jackson at the upcoming symposium, when at the end of the event I would thank him for the evening then let him know his wife would be leaving with me. The fantasies I had of a confrontation with Jackson never entailed any physicality, but rather an unveiling of the truth and that the show he put on was now over. I never fantasized about letting Jackson know we made love, or about anything we did sexually. To reveal such things was evidence of only an affair, a decision based on the irrational and immature. Both Anya and I took our relationship seriously and the decision to date was thoughtfully considered before we got involved and if was based on sex, I would have walked away for good. I only fantasized about a confrontation with Jackson because of the goodness of our love and wanted him to know how special it was, and not the details of it. I also wanted him to know all I knew about him so he could never paint himself as a victim. If there were no kids involved, I could have turned by fantasy of confrontation into reality, but with Katie and Andrew in the picture, I couldn¡¯t be the hero I wanted to be. Then again, if Anya never had kids with Jackson, these fantasies of confrontation would cease to exist because she would have left him fifteen months ago.
As Anya tussled with how to handle her unresolved anger during Andrew¡¯s baseball season, I struggled with how to approach the upcoming symposium. Would I be able to hide my disgust with him if he refered to me as ¡°Landman¡±? Or if he mocked me for having my own office? Or casually took a dig at me for not having a family of my own? What if he held Anya¡¯s hand and paraded her around at the event? What if he built up the fa?ade of his marriage, with her hand in his, in front of a multitude of people who ran local businesses who admired him? My greatest pet peeve in life was dishonesty. The kind of dishonesty that bred fake people who purposely mislead others. People who told lies that served only themselves, and Jackson became the poster boy for my greatest pet peeve. I saw it in San Francisco during our first meeting. I learned the respect he garnered first hand was because of his politics, and not earned by the person he truly was, but by the person he portrayed himself to be. I didn¡¯t expect him to let people know he cheated on his wife several times, but I also didn¡¯t expect him to build himself up as a role model and the world¡¯s most perfect person. And I especially didn¡¯t expect, after all Anya told with me about him, that she would help build his legend after he humiliated her. Humility just never found its way into Jackson¡¯s brand of politics, and that¡¯s why I had a harsh view of him especially after all I learned about him through Anya. I found him to be manipulative, narcissistic and even both socio and psychopathic after the spell he cast over me, before I knew he was Anya¡¯s husband, was broken. If Anya wanted me to truly quit her, then why did she arm me with so much destructive information about him? Was it done to defend myself from him some day when if couldn¡¯t quit her as well? I didn¡¯t know the answer to that, but I felt what she wrote in the letter, ¡°I can¡¯t quit you so I need you to quit me¡±, would be a breakthrough for us, and not a reason for concern as I failed to understand how it could be.
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The next morning, Anya kept her concerns alive.
ANYA: ¡°Good morning! Just steeping into KB! I miss u!¡±
ME: ¡°Good morning! Just getting ready for work! I miss u too!¡±
ANYA: ¡°Your text last night was contradictory u know that?¡±
Her ¡°contradictory¡± assessment of my text troubled me as it came from a person who was a case study in contradiction. Did she really think she was the model for consistency? Maybe I shouldn¡¯t have taken her text to heart, but I felt accused of something her texts presented on numerous occasions yet I never really mentioned it.
ME: ¡°May I ask how it sounded contradictory to you?¡±
ANYA: ¡°Well you said you were not going to ¡°let me get rid of u¡± but u sent my quote ¡°I can¡¯t quit you so you have to quit me¡±, and u said don¡¯t worry. Huh? I don¡¯t understand.¡±
ME: ¡°Well, I just felt you were trying to make me get rid of you by telling me that I had to quit you because you couldn¡¯t quit me in your letter. I just wanted you to know, I¡¯m not quitting you or going anywhere because I didn¡¯t want you to be ¡°angry¡± at Andrew¡¯s games when you go. You should be there enjoying the games and not dreading them. Your ¡°anger¡± concerned me for the same reason my text concerned you. I hope that makes sense.¡±
ANYA: ¡°Oh ok just confusing. Sorry.¡±
ME: ¡°It does sound confusing. I¡¯m sorry I didn¡¯t explain myself better.¡±
After I resolved her confusion, and mine as well, I went into work that day with a clear mind. With an internal restoration in play I began to make headway on the work I fell behind just as the partner in charge, Jerry Samson, called to get an update on my progress.
¡°Good morning, Landyn.¡± he said as I retrieved his call.
¡°Good morning, Jerry.¡± I answered. ¡°How are you?¡±
¡°I¡¯m ok. How¡¯s the planning coming along for Tradewinds Realty?¡±
Jerry stood about five foot five but built like a stack of bricks. He was passive aggressive with a fiery disposition whenever the accountant stereotypes that made up his passive side, disappeared. It took him thirteen years to work his way up to firm partner, and since it took him twice the amount of time it took me, I sensed resentment towards me for my shorter path as I didn¡¯t feel my entry into the partnership was most welcomed by him.
¡°I wrapped that up last night.¡± I replied. ¡°You should have it on your desk for review¡±.
¡°Excellent. How¡¯s the planning for Berkshire Homes coming?¡± he then inquired. ¡°I assume that¡¯s finished too since that fieldwork is due to be finished before the end of this week.¡±
¡°Yes. I sent that over to you this morning for your review.¡±
¡°Good...and Sentinel Insurance Group? Is SIG ready for me to review as well?¡±
¡°I haven¡¯t had time to review the staff¡¯s work and haven¡¯t gotten confirms out yet.¡±
¡°Wait a minute.¡± he said before pausing for a few seconds. ¡°You mean to tell me the confirms haven¡¯t been sent out yet?¡±
¡°I¡¯m sorry, Jerry. I haven¡¯t had the time to get those out yet but¡¡±
¡°No buts, Landyn.¡± He countered, his voice rising. ¡°Why aren¡¯t the fucking confirms out yet?¡±
¡°I¡¯ve been bogged down with the three new clients along with my three continuing engagements.¡± I responded, anxiety sweeping over me. ¡°I just haven¡¯t had the time to get to them, but I will get make sure they are sent to the client, today and out in the mail by no later than tomorrow.¡±
¡°Glad I fucking asked about it or I¡¯d never know those hadn¡¯t gone out yet. I can¡¯t believe I can¡¯t depend on my Senior Manager to let me know these things without asking.¡± He yelled. ¡°That¡¯s just inexcusable, Landyn. You, of all people, know how important it is to get the confirms out. They can hold up the audit entire audit. If you can¡¯t get to them you have to speak up to someone here so we can find someone to get that done. We can¡¯t miss any of these deadlines, Landyn. I mean. Fuck. How long have you been here? It¡¯s not like you haven¡¯t handled new clients before.¡±
¡°You¡¯re right, and I apologize. I should have reached out to someone. I¡¯ll get those taken care of today.¡±
¡°I¡¯m going to talk to Clyde about this.¡± he stated. ¡°This is absolutely unacceptable. Speak up if it¡¯s too much for you to handle. It¡¯s not fair to the firm.¡±
¡°I understand. I¡¯ll let you know when¡¡± I told him before he hung up on me.
There was truth to both sides of the coin. No doubt my current relationship trouble and my mother¡¯s illness played a part in why I fell behind on the Sentinel audit, and I had no one to blame for that but myself. I hardly slept to deal with my emotions, not to put the extra time needed to plan the audit to avoid Jerry¡¯s ire. It was my first dustup with Jerry, and although I also had a valid excuse with the new business taken on, business I played a part in getting, I didn¡¯t want to argue with a future business partner. Jerry was the firm¡¯s rainmaker until I helped seal the CPG account as Clyde gravitated towards me and away from him. I didn¡¯t think it was coincidence Jerry and I had out first disagreement after we obtained the CPG account, the subsequent business and promotion to partner. As much as I wanted to challenge Jerry to do all the work I took on, I had to admit internally, my personal life had overtaken my professional life. I had to take some responsibility for that without an admission that¡¯s what caused the bottleneck. This tested my mental resolve though as I felt discouraged and uninspired by everything that seemed to collapse upon me. As I closed my office door, sat down in quiet contemplation, and tried to refocus, Anya sent me a text.
ANYA: ¡°Would you ever consider getting a Blackberry phone?¡±
ME: ¡°I would. Is there a reason why I should though?¡±
ANYA: ¡°Oh cuz if you have a Blackberry we can IM and it¡¯s easier. You don¡¯t have to send multiple texts. You can just type away and it¡¯s B to B so it doesn¡¯t go to your comp.¡±
Anya¡¯s random text led me to wonder where it originated from. Was it the ¡°Immortal Beloved¡± texts I sent that required seventeen texts to compose? Did someone tell her the texts I sent from my phone were saved to a central server and were archived, or were they traceable to a computer Jackson possibly had access to? Or perhaps she mentioned this because it was easier for her to type on so when she was at the games, with him, she could communicate all she dealt with and not draw any suspicion from him.
ME: ¡°I¡¯ll look into getting one, babe.¡±
ANYA: ¡°Don¡¯t look into it just for me. I thought if u had a Blackberry fone we could do that. My friend, Carla, got me on it so when we have a lot to say we type under IM.¡±
When she mentioned ¡°when we have a lot to say we type under IM¡± it made sense she wanted to talk to me whenever she got upset at the games, and that¡¯s was all I needed to be sold on the device.
ME: ¡°Oh ok, babe. I¡¯ll go pick one up later today.¡±
ANYA: ¡°No no! You¡¯re impossible!¡±
ME: ¡°I was just kidding babe.¡±
ANYA: ¡°No, you are!¡±
ME: ¡°I may and I may not now. Depends on how I feel!¡±
ANYA: ¡°Ahhh but they have different versions of Blackberry fones. Now what r u going to do?¡±
ME: ¡°Oh no, really? What will I do now? Well, I guess I¡¯ll just have to ask the helpful clerk for the pink one and then ask for the same version in black. Problem solved!¡±
ANYA: ¡°You are impossible.¡±
Whenever I had the chance to make her happy or to just feel closer to her, I jumped all over it, even if it put me out a few hundred dollars. I couldn¡¯t explain, as a businessman, why I didn¡¯t have a blackberry phone already as my current cell phone was seven years old and well beyond the times. I had a special bond with my current phone though as my heart and its red light were in sync when it blinked each time Anya texted me. I also hated to part with the comfort of its icons and sounds it gave me whenever Anya contacted me as it proved the Pavlov¡¯s dog theory each time she did. To part with my phone, in a way, would also be to part with Anya¡¯s love in a way. As crazy as it sounded, I felt like I lost a piece of her if I did.
Anya¡¯s text made me feel better after Jerry¡¯s pointed criticism of the way I handled the new business, the first time I ever had a partner complaint of any kind. It mostly rubbed me the wrong way because he knew a new accounting pronouncement expanded the planning stage of the audits, and this was the first year we implemented the additional audit planning procedures. I just felt that should have been taken into consideration when he got upset with me. As the newest partner with the firm, and with so much at stake for me with Anya, it wouldn¡¯t be right for me to defend myself or disagree with Jerry. I always tended to put my head down and worked to improve the next time around, and that¡¯s part of the reason why I got promoted. The best thing to do was to put myself in Jerry¡¯s shoes, take responsibility for my role for the confirms not being sent out, and to work harder for him. Even though I disagreed with his management style, we were all different and each had our own way to manage our jobs, however we were all successful, too.
To stay late proved impossible on this night, so I decided to pack up to leave the office to try again the next day, as the fifteen-hour days and the lack of sleep, wore me down. As the elevator took me back to solid ground, I thought about my mom and her personal struggle as I tried to put my hard day in perspective. And it began to eat away at me to know my mother would have taken my place if she could.
ANYA: ¡°How was your day?¡±
ME: ¡°To be honest, I don¡¯t have many of them, but it was one of those days I wanted to just crawl under a rock and never come out from under it. I just felt a lot of pressure at work today.¡±
ANYA: ¡°Awww is that how you feel, babe? Wish I could massage all your pressure away and give you gentle kisses.¡±
Her words of the sweetest comfort nearly made me cry just as the doors of the elevator opened as she showed another reason why I loved and wanted to be with her forever. I knew I if had that kind of love to come home to each night, it would give any day, even worse than the one I had, a chance to be a good one.
ME: ¡°Thank you, babe. If I could come home to your love, I know I¡¯d never have a bad day. I guess when I get fatigued, and I think of my mom, I get more stressed out so that added to my tough day. She has a chemo treatment tomorrow.¡±
ANYA: ¡°I¡¯m so sorry babe. I wish I could help. I¡¯ll pray for her.¡±
ME: ¡°Thank u, Sweetheart.¡±
Not the best of days, if not weeks for me as I felt all I built began to collapse upon me, like a once vibrant star now in its death throes. An especially lonely one without Anya as a wished the for her face to greet me instead of the darkness when I entered my cold apartment. Surrounded by reality, I texted Anya an hour later to see if I could dream for a little bit.
ANYA: ¡°Sorry can¡¯t talk tonite. Wish I could. Andrew has a big test tomorrow. Have a goodnight babe. I¡¯m sorry for all the stuff you¡¯re dealing with right now. I love you.¡±
ME: ¡°Thank you, Sweetheart. I love you too. Goodnight love.¡±
I felt ashamed to reach out for her to be there for me, and I don¡¯t know why I even did. That massage and those gentle kisses sounded so good, but the cold four walls that surrounded me at the moment were all I had. The truth was, I grew tired of coming home to nothing but four walls and having to eat alone. Tired of the stillness that surrounded me and the nothing that filled me. Didn¡¯t I deserve better than this reality while men like Jackson, who cheated and emotionally abused their wives, lived the ultimate dream? How did my love for her morph into this extension of my low self esteem? How did this kind of life I lived now become good enough? How could I accept being loved on someone¡¯s own timetable? I accepted this all because I knew if I lost Anya, I¡¯d never trust anyone who loved me again. As much as I needed Anya, I couldn¡¯t expect her to be there for me especially when I wanted her kids to come before me. All these emotions, exacerbated by my mother¡¯s illness and the stress as it mounted at work, I¡¯d have to learn to figure out on my own regardless of the darkness around me.
The next morning, I felt a need to apologize to Anya.
ME: ¡°Good morning! I¡¯m sorry about last night, babe. I didn¡¯t mean to distract you from helping Andrew study for his test. I hope he does well! How r u?¡±
ANYA: ¡°Good morning! I¡¯m good. Just worried about u. What time does your mom go in?¡±
ME: ¡°Please don¡¯t worry babe. I¡¯m ok. She¡¯s had chemo before but this treatment will be stronger than she usually has. She goes in at 10. Not sure when she¡¯ll be home because of the side effects. Thanks for asking babe.¡±
ANYA: ¡°I see. Well u know I¡¯m here. Busy day? Stupid question?¡±
Before I could respond, I heard a knock on my office door. I looked up to see Clyde, and then motioned for him to come in.
¡°Do you have a minute, Landyn?¡±
¡°Of course. Of course.¡± I told Clyde as he entered my office, shut the door behind him, took a seat in front of me and crossed his legs.
¡°I received a distress call from Jerry yesterday.¡± he informed me. ¡°He¡¯s concerned about Sentinel¡¯s planning. Has that not been done? Can you tell me where we''re at?¡±
¡°I had a staff person send our confirm selections to the client yesterday. I told Jerry I would do that.¡± I explained, worrying about what direction this excuse would lead me. ¡°I fell behind a little bit mostly because the additional planning procedures took more time than I thought it would. I should have reached out for help though but didn¡¯t want to take staff away from people. It¡¯s been a little challenging to stay under budget and keep up this busy season with all the new business and procedures to be honest.¡±
¡°Are you getting all the help you need though?¡± he asked with genuine concern. ¡°Is everything alright? I understand it¡¯s a little challenging this year but I need to know if we¡¯re understaffed so we can budget for it to sustain the increased business.¡±
¡°I am, Clyde and I apologized to Jerry. I just fell behind the eight ball.¡± I answered honestly. ¡°We¡¯re back on track now.¡±
¡°Well, if you need any additional staff let me know. We can get you the help you need. You¡¯re not stretching us too thin or bothering anyone.¡±
¡°Thanks Clyde. I will reach out if I come under the gun again.¡±
¡°You know my door is always open.¡± he told me before rising from his chair. ¡°Oh, and by the way, do you want your door open?¡±
¡°Yes, please.¡± I replied, smiling. ¡°And Clyde¡¡±
¡°Yes?¡±
¡°Thank you.¡±
¡°Thank you, Landyn.¡± he said, then nodding once. ¡°Just wanted to make sure you were fine.¡±
¡°I appreciate that. I am.¡±
¡°Have a good one.¡±
¡°You too.¡±
Once Clyde disappeared from view, I noticed Anya answered her own text.
ANYA: ¡°Yea. Stupid question. Well have a good day. Chat later babe!¡±
ME: ¡°Sorry babe, got wrapped up. Yep, unfortunately it¡¯s going to be a long one. After what u told me last night about Andrew¡¯s test I just don¡¯t feel it¡¯s right for me to talk to you about this. It would take you away from your kids and that¡¯s not fair to you or them. I think about your letter and even though I know your husband is to blame for your unhappiness and the feeling of any pain and guilt about you not being there for Katie, I don¡¯t want to contribute to that.¡±
ANYA: ¡°You¡¯ve done nothing but support me.¡±
ME: ¡°I can support you though because it¡¯s just me here. As badly as I want you to be there for me because I need you, and you¡¯re the only one that helps me feel better because you¡¯re the one that matters to me, I can¡¯t allow you to be there for me without feeling really guilty about it because of your kids.¡±
ANYA: ¡°Don¡¯t feel guilty. I plan on being here for u. I¡¯m not going anywhere. I care so much. You better tell me everything. That¡¯s an order! Ha!¡±
ME: ¡°Haha! And you think I¡¯m impossible, huh?¡±
ANYA: ¡°Yup!¡±
ME: ¡°I still have you waiting for my thingie too.¡±
ANYA: ¡°The thingie is the least of your concern right now. I know you¡¯re with me babe. You don¡¯t have to worry about it right now.¡±
If there was anything impossible about our love, it was to give up on it. My mind was into her too deeply at this point and there was no turning back. Unless I lost my partnership with the firm, I couldn¡¯t let her go as to let her go would be to jump off an eighteen story building and to hope for a soft landing. In an effort to get my mind off of the loneliness, I decided to stop off at Whole Foods before I went home after work, to pick up all the ingredients necessary to make her delicious truffle rice recipe. An imitation of the rice dish she prepared for me on my birthday was the closest thing I had to her at my apartment with me. I could then sit at the kitchen counter and pretend she sat right next to me like she did a few weeks earlier if I had to. I could fire up the old desktop and have my beautiful screen saver in my line of sight at the same time. I even put played ¡°Toda Una Vida¡± while I ate and had a glass of wine.
Just as I returned to my car with all the things I needed to feel close to her for the evening, she texted me to see how my day went.
ME: ¡°I had a better day today. My mother¡¯s chemo treatment went well. She¡¯s not feeling as sick as we thought she would. On the way home, I picked up all the items to make your truffle rice. I even snagged some pumpkin biscottis! I think I got everything. Going to make it tonight and pretend you¡¯re sitting right next to me! How is your day going, babe?¡±
ANYA: ¡°You¡¯re an angel, you know that? I¡¯m glad she is. Day is fine thx.¡±
It sounded as if Anya didn¡¯t have the best of days today, but I didn¡¯t want to pry as badly as I wanted to know. Her ¡°day is fine thx¡± description told me her day was everything but ¡°fine¡±. As I started my hopeless romantic work in the kitchen, through a dish that made me fall more in love with her, she sent me a text just as I finished.
ANYA: ¡°Thinking of you.¡±
ME: ¡°Thinking of you too! Just finished the truffle rice although I had to use tap water because I ran out of bottled water! I hope I don¡¯t die! Just getting ready to put some white truffle oil on it to make the truffle rice official.¡±
ANYA: ¡°Don¡¯t forget the parmesan cheese! Won¡¯t taste right without it. Tap water won¡¯t kill u! Ha! Of course, I¡¯d go to the store for you if I could.¡±
ME: ¡°I love my shredded parmesan cheese! Got two tubs of it! I didn¡¯t get the almonds though because I couldn¡¯t find them. I¡¯m sure this won¡¯t even taste as good as yours, but oh well. Oh babe, I¡¯d never make you go to the store for me. Would love to go for you though! You¡¯re the cook and I¡¯d be your servant in the kitchen! Nobody at a restaurant makes the chef go to the store for crying out loud!¡±
ANYA: ¡°I just love you!¡±
ME: ¡°I just love you too!¡±
The only thing that could¡¯ve have made my dinner at home any better was if Anya was standing next to me, but at least I felt her love. Of course, my version of her truffle rice paled in comparison, as it was edible at best, but in the end it only made me miss her more.
Later that evening, after I cleaned up the mess I created, Anya sent me a text.
ANYA: ¡°Have a goodnight babe. Muah!¡±
ME: ¡°Goodnight ¡°My Beautiful Beloved¡±! Muah!¡±
As her goodnight text signaled the last time, I¡¯d hear from her for the day, the lights seemed to dim as the four silent walls began to close in once again. As I fought off the sadness that began to build, I decided to go through the music on my Ipod and came across an old song I hadn¡¯t listened to in years titled ¡°Lady Starlight¡± by the Scorpions. I used to listen to it when I was younger and wondered when, or if, there would ever be a face to this song for me one day. Now, twenty eight years later, I did, and it made me happy enough to cry yet also scared me to know there could never be another face to ¡°Lady Starlight¡± for me. Now when I listened to the guitar solo that ended the song, I imagined Anya coming into my arms and we shared glances and soft kisses as we held each other close and slow danced until the song faded. I listened to it at least five times and each time I saw her face, a countenance I couldn¡¯t have dreamt back then being this beautiful, even more beautiful than the song itself. If I couldn¡¯t fight for Anya, then what in this world could I ever fight for?
When the next morning arrived, a Friday, I didn¡¯t hear from her. After a night with the face of ¡°Lady Starlight¡±, I had to reach out to her.
ME: ¡°How r u babe? What r u up to today?¡±
ANYA: ¡°Good! Just finished KB. Having lunch and shopping w/Carolyn today! How r u?¡±
ME: ¡°I¡¯m good. How fun! Where are you girls headed? R u going to the movies?¡±
ANYA: ¡°Hi! Just getting here! We¡¯re meeting at the mall by your place. No movie just lunch and shopping.¡±
It hurt to know she was so close yet seemed so far at the same time. In the past, she would¡¯ve hinted at me to come see her, and Carolyn would even push her to, but her visit near my apartment felt like an intrusion of their plans if I asked to see her. Then again, maybe all the fatigue and stress I experienced made it seem that way and she felt the way I did? I guess, I felt a little disconnected from her. Later that evening, my cell phone called to me as its red light blinked.
ANYA: ¡°How r u?¡±
ME: ¡°I¡¯m hanging in there. How r u?¡±
ANYA: ¡°Hanging in there too.¡±
Anya seemed sad. Maybe this one was on my low sense of self and I should¡¯ve reached out to her to ask if I could say hello. I had to recognize my low self-esteem, a constant state of fear I tried to ignore, let Anya down at times to no fault of her own.
ME: ¡°I love you babe.¡±
ANYA: ¡°I love you too.¡±
The time to confront my subconscious, sometimes conscious, state of fear arrived. If I couldn¡¯t do it now, with Anya¡¯s love, then when would I ever find the courage to walk inside a jewelry store for her to have something to hold from me? With absolutely zero doubt of where I wanted to go, and actually with a clue; I made my way to Tiffany and Company. My reflection stared back at me through the glass window, a partition between my love for Anya and her love for me. With no idea how to approach a purchase I¡¯ve made only in my dreams; I took my first ever step into a jewelry store. It felt like I just walked on the moon, as it may have been one small step for man, but it was one giant leap for Landyn, When I entered, the only people I saw were its salespeople. As I felt a little out of place, like a skater on a thin sheet of ice, ten eyes leaped in my direction to either aid in my own self discovery or my own self destruction. To my surprise however, eight of those eyes greeted me and even accepted me as I was approached by a young petite, blue eyed, blonde who flashed a bright smile at me.
¡°Can we help you find anything, Sir?¡± she asked.
¡°You know¡I¡¯m looking for the necklace aisle¡I mean section¡glass display area?¡± I replied nervously, frantically looking around for it.
¡°That would be a little further down and to your left, Sir.¡± she instructed. ¡°Kara can assist you if you have any questions.¡±
¡°Oh! Thank you.¡± I responded with relief after seemingly passing that particular checkpoint before continuing my journey deeper into the heart of darkness.
When I reached the glass display case of destiny, I peered into a soft bed of exquisite and shiny silver and gold necklaces, all strategically placed to be beautiful to the eye. As my eyes moved, their bands seemed to dance as they magically sparkled, like sun rays that glimmered on an ocean. I felt in such a daze, I didn¡¯t know what to say or do, as I thought it more proper to look away from their allure and acknowledge Kara.
¡°Hi.¡± I said.
Kara was a young petite woman as well, but with brunette shoulder length hair and with another pristine smile.
¡°Hi! I¡¯m Kara. What¡¯s your name?¡± she asked as she extended her hand out to me
¡°Oh, I¡¯m sorry. It¡¯s Landyn.¡± I responded, meeting her small soft hand in mine.
¡°Are you looking for something for your wife tonight?¡± she inquired.
¡°It¡¯s for my girlfriend. I hope she¡¯ll be my wife one day though, so possibly!¡± I exclaimed, transporting myself under a Paris moon and on one knee.
¡°Oh, I see!¡± she replied enthusiastically, moving her dark hair over her right ear. ¡°Just so you know, we have a thirty-day return policy.¡±
¡°Oh. Thanks for letting me know.¡± I told her, fearing she may have known something I didn¡¯t.
¡°Do you know what types of jewelry she likes?¡± she further inquired. ¡°Does she have any preferences?¡±
¡°There¡¯s other types of jewelry beyond necklaces and rings?¡± I said joking, but also with uncertainty.
¡°There are!¡± she stated. ¡°Have you bought jewelry for her before?¡±
¡°I¡¯ve never bought jewelry for anyone before.¡± I replied with nervous laughter. ¡°I know very little about jewelry¡if anything at all. I couldn¡¯t tell the difference between a carat and a carrot.¡±
¡°Well, a carat is unit of weight for jewelry. It¡¯s equivalent to two hundred milligrams.¡±
¡°And the carrot? I guess the only difference from a carat is the weight I imagine.¡±
¡°That. And of course, everything else.¡± She told me, smiling. ¡°But I¡¯ll go out on a limb here and say you know the differences.¡±
¡°You¡¯re got me all figured out now.¡± I admitted, returning her smile with mine. ¡°Well, maybe I¡¯m not that jewelry illiterate, but I didn¡¯t know a carat was two hundred milligrams until now. So, thank you for that. See, you¡¯re already a huge help.¡±
¡°Do you know what type of jewelry she likes or would wear?¡±
¡°I do.¡± I told her before stopping dead in my tracks then pointing to the top of the fourth glass display case we walked by. ¡°That¡¯s the type right there.¡±
¡°This one.¡± she wondered, looking at me to make sure.
¡°The one next to it. On your right.¡± I replied, making sure her hand found the right one. ¡°Can I see it?¡±
¡°Absolutely!¡± she replied, gently removed it from its resting place then carefully placed it in my hand.
As I held it in my hand, and just like each time I gazed into Anya¡¯s eyes, I got lost in its beauty as it sparkled magnificently in the light. Each of the tiny diamonds, twenty of them to be exact all within a heart pendant, seemed to have their own character as they shone differently in the light. I then imagined how the sunlight would make it dazzle as it laid upon her neckline. It¡¯s thin slight silver band also made it easy to hide if she desired to wear it often. I fell in love with the necklace so quickly, I knew it was the one for her as I loved it the same way I loved Anya; simply, purely and beautifully.
¡°Well, what do you think?¡± she asked.
¡°I have one question.¡±
¡°The price?¡± She guessed.
¡°No.¡±
¡°I¡¯m sorry. That¡¯s usually the first thing a customer wants to know.¡±
¡°Oh, I understand, but money is not the issue for me at all. She¡¯s worth much more to me than this anyway.¡±
¡°What¡¯s your question?¡±
¡°Is this something you would buy for yourself to wear?¡± I asked. ¡°Or is it too ostentatious?¡±
¡°It¡¯s really nice but it¡¯s not too flashy or showy.¡± she claimed. ¡°I would buy this for myself¡if I could afford it. Why would you ask? Do you not like it?¡±
¡°Oh, I just needed a woman¡¯s perspective since she¡¯s not here and I wanted to surprise her¡± I quickly countered, trying to evade any questions from her. ¡°I think it¡¯s simple and beautiful. Wouldn¡¯t you agree?¡±
¡°I would.¡± she told me. ¡°It¡¯s both a simple, and beautiful, piece of jewelry.¡±
¡°How much is it?¡±
¡°That necklace is¡¡± she said, looking back down to where it originally laid. ¡°Fourteen hundred.¡±
¡°Did you say fourteen hundred dollars?¡±
¡°Yes, that¡¯s correct. Fourteen hundred dollars.¡± she confirmed, showing me the small price tag that must have slipped off the band.
¡°Well then, I guess I¡¯ll just have to take it!¡± I assured.
¡°Great! It¡¯s beautiful. She¡¯s going to love it¡± she said to me. ¡°She¡¯s one lucky girl.¡±
¡°As beautiful as this necklace is Kara, in my eyes, there¡¯s nothing more beautiful than she is.... I¡¯m actually the lucky one.¡±
¡°She sounds like a special woman.¡±
¡°There hasn¡¯t been a day, since I met her, that I don¡¯t have to pinch myself. Every day feels like I¡¯m living some crazy dream.¡±
Kara smiled at me as I went from fear to comfort. I never thought this experience would also be one of a therapeutic nature as it allowed me to speak freely and comfortably about my love for her. The price was a pretty large hit for me. I knew it would take away from the travels and ring I saved up for her, and not to mention, a down payment on a home. However, the price was a small one to pay, and fell way short of a repayment of any kind, for someone who gave me so much love and happiness. Although Anya was the first woman, I ever bought jewelry for, I wanted her to have two titles. The first woman I ever bought jewelry for, and the last one I ever bought jewelry for.
Kara then handed me the thingie in a turquoise pouch with the words Tiffany & Co. imprinted on it. I thanked her before I left and waved goodbye to the all the eyes that greeted me when I arrived. When I got outside, I breathed a sigh of relief as I felt like I just scaled Mount Everest. While inside my car, I opened up the pouch to gaze at the necklace again and imagined it upon Anya¡¯s breastplate as I hoped she liked it as much as I did. I then reached for my phone and composed a text to her.
ME: ¡°Simple, pure and beautiful just like our love. I hope you like it.¡±
Fear got tangled up with hope as I waited in anticipation of her response. I didn¡¯t know what to expect other than the unexpected, but I didn¡¯t wait longer than a minute before she did.
ANYA: ¡°Ahhhh! Did u get it?¡±
ME: ¡°I did!¡±
ANYA: ¡°OMG!!! So excited!¡±
ME: ¡°I¡¯m excited too and I¡¯ll be fine so don¡¯t worry! I want you to have something from me with you. I love you. I think it¡¯s something you would pick out for yourself. Whenever you want to pick it up, just let me know babe. I know you¡¯re busy these days!¡±
ANYA: ¡°I¡¯m sure it¡¯s perfect babe! You¡¯re the busy one! I would love it this weekend but crazy with games! Maybe next week?¡±
ME: ¡°I¡¯m busy but I promised you, babe. Next week sounds perfect! Can¡¯t wait!¡±
ANYA: ¡°Ok! I can¡¯t wait either! Thank you! I love you!¡±
Hope and love filled my heart as I¡¯d finally be able to see her again. And although I didn¡¯t hear from her for the rest of the evening, her excitement about the thingie, with zero resistance, got me through the dark.
The next day brought with it a text from Anya and also our fifteenth month of our love and friendship.
ANYA: ¡°Good morning! I went home and crashed last night. Carolyn and I had wine at lunch and it made me tired. I¡¯m so excited about the thingie!¡±
ME: ¡°Good morning! That¡¯s why I can never drink in the afternoon. It totally wipes me out! I¡¯m excited about you having it!¡±
ANYA: ¡°I still can¡¯t believe you picked it up last night! That didn¡¯t take long at all!¡±
ME: ¡°I didn¡¯t want to keep you waiting babe. Especially considering the development with your son¡¯s baseball team. I just hope you like it!¡±
ANYA: ¡°I¡¯ll love it! Like I said it doesn¡¯t matter what it is as long as it¡¯s from you!¡±
ME: ¡°Thanks for making me feel so special, babe. Now you¡¯ll have a thingie and my saved texts if you don¡¯t delete them one day.¡±
ANYA: ¡°Never!¡±
As a Saturday night fell upon me, after another quiet day from Anya brought with it a loudness in my head as I played out worst case scenarios about her home life on Saturday nights. When I returned home from my Saturday at the office, I refused to fall prey again to my negative emotions and the four walls that tried to eat me alive, so I reached out to her to change out my nightmarish thoughts with reality.
ME: ¡°Just finished another Saturday at the office! Five more Saturdays to go! What r u up to?¡±
ANYA: ¡°Good for u! I have to get back home by 5 p.m. for Andrew¡¯s baseball game. Not looking forward to it.¡±
And just like that, the nightmarish scenarios that I built in my head, the ones that toyed with my emotions and wanted me to not believe she could love me so deeply, were vanquished.
ME: ¡°I¡¯m sorry, Beautiful. Hey, you¡¯re there for Andrew, and that¡¯s it. Don¡¯t let her ruin this experience and bring you down with her. Just let her be her miserable hateful self. She was in the wrong, and that was your husband. She has no right to be mad at you and no one to be mad at here, but herself. Don¡¯t give her a second thought, babe. That¡¯s what she wants.¡±
ANYA: ¡°Thank u. I found out that you stay with the same team for two years.¡±
ME: ¡°Oh, well I guess she¡¯s going to have to be an adult for 2 years. She needs it. I¡¯m sorry you even have to deal with this.¡±
Anya was faithful to Jackson, and he broke his vows, but so did the other woman since she too, was married. Since Jackson apparently had no plans to stop, Anya was emotionally distraught enough to tell her husband. I believed she did both of them a favor; they didn¡¯t belong together as much and Anya and Jackson didn¡¯t. What Anya did was a natural thing, and I would¡¯ve been compelled to do the same. The truth could never be in the wrong, and people had a right to it. If someone is unfaithful in a marriage, I felt the other party had the right to know. I didn¡¯t believe details were necessary, but the right to know the truth was. Anya had a right to stop her heart from further hemorrhage. She probably told Jackson to stop, but he never did. If the woman should be mad at anyone though, she should be mad at only two people, Jackson and herself. If that woman still hated Anya, after all these years, she was full of hate to begin with as I didn¡¯t understand how she still could be. I didn¡¯t see the risk reward in Jackson Caiaphas that this lady did, and what even Anya may still have seen.
I then began to think about her shopping trip the prior day with Carolyn. Anya told me both Carolyn and Debbie didn¡¯t know her husband cheated on her. Again, I had my doubts because of the timing of their trip to the mall and the afternoon ¡°spill¡± that ensued. How was Anya able to hide this when she knew Carolyn was in the same boat. Something like this seemed to suggest how they connected as friends. Anya told me, a perfect stranger, about her husband¡¯s infidelities and even told Lance the same. The only thing that could have stopped her from telling Carolyn and Debbie was the possible business aspect of their relationship. Maybe Carolyn¡¯s husband was also a doctor and rented an office in one of Jackson¡¯s buildings? Maybe they could lose money if Carolyn knew because of this? It¡¯s hard to say but I had to admit, it seemed at times both Carolyn and Debbie had to know about the infidelities if I knew. It worried me that once again that bad advice could be given to Anya without knowledge of all the facts. I put my heart on the line in a huge way for Anya and I didn¡¯t see any fairness if that took place. I knew Carolyn pushed her to work things out with Jackson. I also knew they took trips together so I feared she sided with Jackson, all because of his wealth, over me who only had my love to offer at the moment. To know she Carolyn never said ¡°hi¡± to me anymore, heightened my worry.
To deal with the anxiety on this Saturday evening, I decided to open a bottle of wine and sit on my balcony in a lounge chair to gaze at the sky. The sky always brought me some peace as I looked beyond the moon and into the heavens at the countless stars in the sky. Out of those billions of stars, one had to yield hope of life. Everything above me, above us and within us was a miracle. The human body itself was a miracle, much like the heavens were. I then suddenly felt close to Anya, because I knew she was outside too, and could see the same moon as it felt like New York city all over again. When she learned Jackson¡¯s ex-lover played on the same team as her son, was I the only one who felt that wasn¡¯t coincidence? But if I mentioned this to Anya, would it be perceived as happiness on my part this happened? That I took pleasure in her struggle at Andrew¡¯s baseball games? I had to ask myself a really hard question, like all the theories of the heavens I gazed at, wouldn¡¯t she see an opportunity in this for us to be together, if she truly had any intentions to ever be with me? I know I received her ¡°you can sit with me and he can sit with her¡± solution, but it was said more as a joke than anything to be taken seriously. She even feared I would actually show up. I understood how she could be affected by this, and she had a right to be angry, but if she truly hoped, wished and dreamt about us being married one day, why would she look at this with anger instead of hope? As I branded this question into my mind, my heart needed another glass of wine. After I took my first sip of my second glass, the red light on my phone blinked as it almost made me cry with happiness.
ANYA: ¡°Hate this I swear.¡±
After I read her text, my happiness turned to sorrow as it tormented me to see her go through this alone, while I was alone, and so in love with her, yet unable to be by her side. I didn¡¯t know what to tell her, but I feared her anger would get the best of her and this lady would win. I didn¡¯t want Anya to break, but if she did, what would it mean? Would it mean she still loved Jackson, or would it provide an opportunity for us to be together? I truly understood how Anya felt. Sometimes, it didn¡¯t matter how many years passed by, some things were just impossible to get past emotionally. This woman, one of three, willingly stole a piece of Anya¡¯s happiness in life, at a time she carried her son. Although I felt Anya should¡¯ve despised Jackson just as much, and divorced him, he got a free pass because she carried his second child. It was a scary time for her and how could she raise two kids on her own? She knew they needed their father in their lives and she doubted her ability to find a man who would take care of them the way he could. I understood her decision to stay at that time, she didn¡¯t have someone for her back then, but she had every reason in the world to leave him because now she did. The more I dwelled on this, the more I needed to leave my apartment before the walls caved in on me.
An hour later I found myself, with my third drink of the evening in hand, at Sonomas as I tried to deal with all the stress heaped upon me. I found Anya¡¯s dilemma, one of Jackson¡¯s ex-mistresses who had her son on the same team as hers, to be like a large electric sign. One put up front and center of her as the ultimate signal to leave Jackson, another reason she had to leave him. I could understand her stance to just grin and bear it if I wasn¡¯t in her life, but to have me in her life in such a huge way, after she told me ¡°nothing is impossible¡± and ¡°divorces happen all the time¡± then decide to ¡°hate it¡± rather than see the brilliant sign, the perfect truth before her, at a time I needed her the most, messed me up mentally. Jackson¡¯s infidelities now surrounded her and were ready for a full on emotional ambush of her; to the point she had seconds thoughts about going to her son¡¯s baseball games. That alone brought to life the reason why she wasn¡¯t there for her kids. The reason she wasn¡¯t there for her kids was because of Jackson¡¯s gross emotional and mental abuse of her through his infidelities because if he had been faithful, I would¡¯ve never known Anya, let alone got close to her. Why she felt guilt for her happiness was an extension of Jackson¡¯s emotional abuse from her to me, and if I didn¡¯t like Jackson much, I certainly didn¡¯t care for him much now. So much so, I fantasized about a confrontation with him. Not a physical one, but to let him know he could fool all the people that bought what he sold them, but he could never fool me because I didn¡¯t want any of what he had to sell. How many more signs did she need to know her marriage had to end? That the marriage itself was the reason why Katie struggled. Why the marriage itself led her to miss me enough to die inside? Why the marriage itself now threatened to keep her away from Andrew¡¯s games? I didn¡¯t want to support her marriage, but I loved her so much, I wanted to see her at those games to let that woman know, you¡¯re buried in the past and something much better came along to the point I don¡¯t care anymore. In fact, I¡¯m happy about what happened between you and my husband because it gave me the chance to find a real love. It killed me to wonder why couldn¡¯t she see the gift in this from the universe, be an adult and do the right thing and be honest with her kids so she could be there for them? So, something like this could never happen again? According to her own daughter, change was necessary for growth. Why couldn¡¯t she see her daughter¡¯s words of wisdom? If, Katie understood that, how come Anya refused to, if she truly wanted to wear my ring one day?
As I stood there in quiet despair, I decided to walk in ¡°our office¡± to reminisce. To imagine she stood before me, back against the wooden wall but her eyes fallen into mine, with all the love I ever felt in this world from another person, as she asked if I would fight for her. As I made my way to ¡°our office¡±, I caught a familiar face, someone I never expected to see here by herself, Carolyn. When our eyes met, she then glanced quickly away and walked outside the bar as if she had just seen a ghost. Her abrupt exit worried me as I didn¡¯t tell Anya I planned to go to Sonomas. I would tell Anya tomorrow about it, but I couldn¡¯t take the loneliness at home when I wanted to be by her side at the game, something she refused to allow. I didn¡¯t know where else to escape to, but only a place to feel close to her, the place we met. I didn¡¯t come to meet anyone as my heart only had room for Anya, but Carolyn didn¡¯t know that, I was Sasquatch compared to all the other men she ever knew. If she pushed Anya to stay with Jackson, she probably thought I was like every other man out there, including Jackson but without his wealth and reputation. I only planned to stay for an hour, if that long. Carolyn and I seemed to have a body sign agreement to pretend we didn¡¯t see each other, however I found it rather odd a married woman was here by herself, as this had to be the reason why I never received an invitation to their spill at the mall the prior day; to discuss in private their affairs of the heart. I just wished Carolyn knew the truth about why I was involved with Anya, and if she did know anything, the reason I believed in our love.
Before I could enter ¡°our office¡± to feel close to her though, I felt a hand latch onto my shoulder.
Was it Jackson?
No, but who else would be at Sonomas other than Mitch?
¡°We need to talk.¡± demanded the male voice.
CHAPTER 37 ~ INEVITABLY FOREVER
¡°We¡¯ll get higher and higher
Straight up we¡¯ll climb
We¡¯ll get higher and higher
Leave it all behind.
So baby dry your eyes,
Save all the tears you¡¯ve cried.
Oh that¡¯s what dreams are made of.¡±
~ ¡°Dreams¡± Van Halen
The last person I hoped to see at Paseos was Mitch, but I walked right into his house. Paseos was always his home away from home, and I used to enjoy the place, even my times with Mitch, before I met Anya. Even though I didn¡¯t miss Mitch and his classless antics, the place still had a special place in my heart because it¡¯s where I met the love of my life. I just despised the assumptions Mitch made about Anya as he rooted against us. It annoyed me to no end especially when he knew how much time I invested in our relationship and how much I clearly loved her.
¡°Hey, man. What do you need to talk to me about?¡± I asked.
¡°Are you still seeing that married chick?¡±
¡°I¡¯m still seeing Anya.¡± I said. ¡°Why do you care?¡±
¡°Still paying for a car that¡¯ll never pay itself off, huh?¡± he asked.
¡°If I looked at things that way, Mitch¡I wouldn¡¯t still be seeing her.¡±
¡°I give it ninety-six four, now.¡±
¡°Ninety-six four?¡± I said as I laughed. ¡°So, you¡¯re saying I only have two months left now?¡±
¡°Yep. Two months left.¡± he stated. ¡°Two more months before there will never be a chance she leaves.¡±
¡°I think you¡¯re wrong.¡± I said with a tinge of anger. ¡°There¡¯s a lot you don¡¯t know that¡¯s happened between us. So, I don¡¯t know where you get off making such judgments without any facts.¡±
¡°Ok, let¡¯s see if I¡¯m wrong.¡± he said. ¡°Text her right now and ask her you need a promise from her or it¡¯s over.¡±
¡°I can¡¯t do that.¡± I said.
¡°You can¡¯t do it because you know what the answer will be.¡±
¡°I think it would be unfair to her.¡± I said.
¡°For a lousy promise? You¡¯re not asking for her to grab her things, and immediately leave. You¡¯re just asking her for a promise.¡± he exclaimed. ¡°She loves you, doesn¡¯t she?¡±
¡°She does.¡±
¡°So¡then what¡¯s the problem?¡±
¡°Although I feel I deserve a promise, I feel it¡¯s the wrong time.¡± I said. ¡°She needs time to make the necessary preparations before she does. But I believe her love for me is too strong to ignore her need to be with me. Just a little more time will prove it. I feel the universe is on our side here.¡±
¡°So, you¡¯re saying all this time, you¡¯ve just been wearing her down. Kind of like¡loving her into submission?¡±
¡°I wouldn¡¯t say I¡¯ve been wearing her down, but I think the longer she is with me, the more of a chance she will need me enough to make a promise. After all she¡¯s been through with an abusive husband, I don¡¯t think there¡¯s anything wrong with giving her time to make sure this is true love. Then when the time comes for her to make a promise, I¡¯ll know without any doubt she means it.¡±
¡°You¡¯re like a modern day, Romeo.¡± he said. ¡°More like Retardeo.¡±
¡°I wouldn¡¯t say that¡¡±
¡°When are ya gonna to get it, Land?¡± he asked as he shook his head. ¡°When the fuck is this gonna sink in? What¡¯s it gonna take for you to wake up from this fuckin¡¯ pipedream? You¡¯re no Romeo, you¡¯re a joke to her; a puppet on a string.¡±
¡°How can you even say that? I¡¯ve been with her for almost a year and a half now.¡± I said. ¡°You don¡¯t have the faintest idea of all we¡¯ve been through together. These are all assumptions based solely on the fact she hasn¡¯t left her husband yet. Well, she has left him emotionally, not physically yet. You¡¯re just like all the women in this bar you degrade, you can only see what¡¯s in front of your face, but never what¡¯s intangible.¡±
¡°She¡¯s playing you for a damn fool.¡± he said.
¡°You¡¯re wrong.¡±
¡°You can say I¡¯m wrong, but facts are facts. She¡¯s not with you, she¡¯s only using you, at this point. She¡¯s using you for a feeling. That¡¯s all she feels for you, and it has nothing to do with ¡°love¡±. She isn¡¯t leaving her rich husband for you. She¡¯s gonna stick around just long enough to take what¡¯s left of you so she can fill the emotional void her husband left her with. Money is all that matters to her and to her friends, especially that one over there sitting with the cop. The only difference between the cop and you, is that he knows where that is headed. Nowhere. The only part of him into a relationship with Anya¡¯s friend is his dick, but your heart is into yours. He¡¯s looking to get laid, while you¡¯re looking for forever as if such a thing exists. He¡¯ll win, and you¡¯ll lose. You heard it here first.¡± he said. ¡°The cop¡¯s relationship is on his terms, while yours is all on her terms. Once you ask her for a promise you deserve more than anyone ever did, she¡¯s not going to see it as love but as a threat then she¡¯ll tell you to get lost. This relationship is all about her. I told you that from day one. If you put this in terms of ¡°the scenario¡± then you¡¯ll see what I¡¯m saying.¡±
¡°What¡¯s ¡°the scenario¡± you¡¯re spewing of?¡±
¡°Think about it, Land. She has two kids, right?¡±
¡°That¡¯s right. So that¡¯s ¡°the scenario¡±? That¡¯s all you have? What are you trying to spin?¡±
¡°You need to put a marriage, any marriage, in perspective. You need to understand she can¡¯t do the things she used to do with her kids around.¡±
¡°Like what?¡±
¡°Like having sex as much as they used to? Kids basically murder a couple¡¯s sex life. Most of the time they end up in bed with her, I bet. They have to basically shuttle the kids off to summer camp, or have them sleep the night at a friend¡¯s house to have sex.¡±
I couldn¡¯t say anything as all Mitch described began to eat away at me enough to sweat and tremble.
¡°Dude, she can¡¯t have sex with him like she used to so she¡¯s using you to fill that role.¡± he continued. ¡°She¡¯s totally using you, even lovebombed you because she knew how to hook you, and even threw in a tale or two about her husband¡¯s cheating to seal the deal. Even though it never bothered her deeply enough to leave him. She¡¯s isn¡¯t staying for the sake of her kids. She¡¯s staying for the sake of his money. He could bang whoever he wants and she¡¯d still stay. His money buys her kids happiness and that¡¯s why she stays. She¡¯s never gonna leave him for you and your one bedroom hideaway. Any married woman in her situation would fall in love with you because the relationship is how and when she wants it. She even probably tells you, but you¡¯re not. If you were special, she¡¯d be right here next to you, and you wouldn¡¯t be here by yourself tonight. She¡¯s going to ride you until you start bucking hard enough to throw her off of you. When you want a promise you deserve, the pressure to do the right thing will be too much for her, and that¡¯s when she¡¯ll let you go. And in the end, all you¡¯ll ever be to her was a good time but only a memory, until the next sucker comes along.¡±
¡°Are you through?¡± I asked.
¡°He gave her a freebie to even the score, Land. After this, her husband will have her all to himself again. She loses nothing she hasn¡¯t already lost.¡± he stated. ¡°But you lose everything you were.¡±
I couldn¡¯t look at him as he spoke as I took his words to heart. These weren¡¯t things I didn¡¯t consider at times but Mitch added reasons behind them. For instance, I felt at times it seemed the relationship was all on her terms, but I never considered if those terms were altered would I be special enough to be with and if it was the real reason she loved me so much? Wouldn¡¯t true love be on the terms of both people, and not just on the terms of one? Did she ¡°lovebomb¡± me from the very beginning so I¡¯d drop my guard? So, she could better manipulate my feelings and even control them in her favor? Was it also possible Jackson¡¯s cheating never bothered her? That the unhappiness she felt in her marriage was from a lack of privacy with the kids around? That her unhappiness was only rooted in the general unhappiness that usually came with any marriage? Have I been both used and misled? Did she use me for the feeling and for unhindered stress relief?
¡°I think it¡¯s time for me to go home...¡± I said.
¡°Dude, the night is young. Kick her to the curb before it¡¯s too late. Save yourself, bro.¡± he said as he put his hand on my shoulder ¡°Let¡¯s hang out again, and get you back in the game. There¡¯s no future with this chick.¡±
I nodded at Mitch and didn¡¯t say a word, too upset to. I then took a final swig of the beer I bought. When I put the bottle down, Mitch smiled at me as I put my hand on his shoulder then patted his back.
¡°You¡¯re wrong. Take care.¡± I said as I brushed past him.
¡°In two months¡it¡¯s over.¡± he yelled as I exited. ¡°I¡¯ll be seeing you soon!¡±
On my way out, I witnessed the paramour at the bar with her cop interest as it made me wish Anya had enough courage to be as bold. In an effort, just to feel like a normal human being, I felt even lower than the roach I accidentally squashed as I stepped out of Paseos. When I finally got home, I couldn¡¯t sleep as my mind raced along an endless road at a hundred scenarios an hour. When I knew sleep would not be in the immediate cards, I booted up my desktop computer and googled Lance the romantic singer. It brought me to his website and when I clicked the link, it told of a few new songs he recently added. They were ¡°teaser¡± songs from a project he currently worked on, an all romantic-Spanish concept CD, all written in Spanish. As I read this it brought me back to the time when Anya told me she loved Spanish music and she didn¡¯t know why but whenever she listened, she thought of me. After what Mitch told me this evening, it made me wonder even though I disagreed with his assumptions.
Lance¡¯s website had a brief narrative about a Christmas CD he hoped to release by the end of this year, one produced by the same people who produced Michael Buble¡¯s last CD. He then ended his synopsis to let his website visitors know he still performed for the world¡¯s most famous and elite. I decided to take a listen, and to my surprise the song was in English, but the words he immaculate voice used to convey their emotion grabbed me by the throat, as they spoke of a lost love. I then noticed his other short narrative was still on his page as it told of ¡°a tragic end to wonderful relationship¡± and if his immaculate voice didn¡¯t pierce my heart, the words he chose did. What if Anya felt all men were like Jackson? What if she lovebombed men with a subconscious purpose to destroy them emotionally for what Jackson did to her? Why did it appear the men, who truly loved and cared for her, were left to pay the price for Jackson¡¯s conscious choices? It made me so sick to consider a cold possibility, that there were just as many ways she didn¡¯t love as there were ways she did. As I imagined her next to Jackson on this night, while I sat alone in the dark, with a computer my only friend at four in the morning, I knew I''d need a miracle to get a minute of sleep on this night.
For the first time, I began to consider Lance left Anya not because she had kids, but because she asked him to. Now, I found myself in his shoes, and I felt betrayed simply due to the fact these kids existed in her life before she met me, and even more so because I walked away. She had five months in my absence to consider how a divorce would affect her kids. Anya told me she couldn¡¯t help when we met, but I felt I did when I left her at the bar on our first date. I didn¡¯t think this was payback at all, but I felt her ¡°what he doesn¡¯t know can¡¯t hurt him¡± mentality wasn¡¯t fair if it allowed me to be here. If I were to ask Anya for a promise would she deny me that? Would her answer reveal all I needed to know about her love for me? Was Mitch right about this? That her love for me only existed because it was a secret? Why did it take me fifteen months to see what Mitch could?
I believed in Anya¡¯s love even though his assessments were possibilities. I couldn¡¯t put my faith in Mitch because he messed around with women for sport, even married ones. He never dared to love someone so how could a coward in love ever be on my level enough to give me advice on love? What did he know about love? He never had the courage to love anyone. It¡¯s as if he saw me jump out of an airplane with a parachute and an instructor with me yet advised to not jump out because there¡¯s a chance the chute won¡¯t open regardless of the five practice runs we had. I loved Anya and cared for her happiness beyond my own. There¡¯s just no way I could be convinced she led me here, all this way, for nothing.
When the morning arrived, I sent her a text to wish her a good morning and to see how her night went with Jackson¡¯s ex-mistress.
ANYA: ¡°Good morning! She glared at me. Yea it was a fun f**ing nite! Sorry. How r u?¡±
ME: ¡°I¡¯m sorry babe. I¡¯m okay. Just thinking of you. What do you think her problem is? It¡¯s been 15 years.¡±
ANYA: ¡°Sorry was driving. Who knows. Just got to Andrew¡¯s 1st game in Tustin.¡±
It seemed as if she drove to the game alone as I waited forty-five minutes to hear back from her. I really didn¡¯t know what to make of her text. Was she mad at Jackson, in the sense she still harbored feelings for him? Or was she mad because she felt stuck with him and would rather be with me? I¡¯d ask her but if she feared it would hurt me, I¡¯d never get the truth from her anyway. This latest sign from the universe could now go either way.
When I didn¡¯t hear back from her while she watched Andrew¡¯s game, and exacerbated by Mitch¡¯s words, I felt forgotten. I had to reach out to her this morning, and after all she went through at the game, why did she refuse to lean on me, especially if she had no feelings for Jackson? To imagine her next to him, while she ¡°glared¡± at her, made it almost seem Anya won a prize that day; she was with the successful philanderer, while the other woman¡¯s marriage fell apart. To me, the other woman won simply because it seemed like she found a good life partner. What did Anya gain? A lifetime of memories and questions of what truly happened between them? It made me sick to imagine she chose to sit loyally next to Jackson, with me in her life and didn¡¯t use the situation as an opportunity to feel close to me. To make it seem like we sat together. For some reason, this wasn¡¯t the Anya I knew, as I felt she still harbored feelings for Jackson. I then began to feel this sign from the Universe was never meant for me, but to rekindle feelings for her husband. When I considered this possible change in fortune, I felt abandoned by everything good in my life, and anything good that ever happened to me. When these negative emotions found a place to roost, I tried to release the mental anguish.
ME: ¡°You must be near Mr. Wonderful. Chat later.¡±
If she loved me and had any plans to be with me, why didn¡¯t she grab this opportunity to feel close to me? She would¡¯ve jumped all over this before this lady showed up at the games, and after Mitch¡¯s harsh words last night, her silence felt as if she played me for a fool.
ANYA: ¡°I love you.¡±
I feared she¡¯d either ignore my text, not respond for a couple of hours or respond with a ¡°huh¡±? I never expected ¡°I love you¡±, and that¡¯s what made it a potent elixir to my mental virus.
ME: ¡°I love you too.¡±
Later that afternoon, when Andrew¡¯s game ended, she tried to reconnect with me.
ANYA: ¡°Hey you. I miss you.¡±
Her text inspired me to sing an old catchy tune by The Scorpions. ¡°Hey you, I¡¯m in love with your eyes, And the sound of your name. Hey you, I¡¯m in love with your smile. And the way you¡¯re dressed today.¡± When I realized I still had a horrible voice, at least I knew I had a beautiful face I could put to the song ¡°Hey You¡±, now. If I needed any proof I was madly in love with Anya, these two texts from her calmed the waves, from within that just minutes earlier threatened to capsize me.
ME: ¡°Hey babe! I miss you too.¡±
ANYA: ¡°Did you have your plain rice with truffle oil?¡±
ME: ¡°I made it last night. Still doesn¡¯t taste as good as yours though!¡±
ANYA: ¡°I¡¯d love to make it for you again.¡±
ME: ¡°I¡¯d pay you for it if you would make it for me again. It¡¯s that good.¡±
ANYA: ¡°Oh stop! You¡¯re never going to pay me! You¡¯re just silly now! I will try when we meet next week. Where r u next week?¡±
ME: ¡°I¡¯ll be at the home office all week.¡±
ANYA: ¡°It would be easier if I went to your place on a weekday, right? I couldn¡¯t stay long. It would just be harder to bring you the rice on the weekend.¡±
ME: ¡°What¡¯s a good weekday for you?¡±
ANYA: ¡°Friday?¡±
ME: ¡°Perfect!¡±
ANYA: ¡°K!¡±
With two sweet texts, and a series of them that set up the first time we would see each other since her nearly fateful letter to me, I forgot all about the negativity that led me astray during the weekend. Into the next day, the second one in March, I could feel Anya¡¯s excitement as much as my own throughout the morning, in her texts to me, as her love nourished where I felt deficient.
ANYA: ¡°I can¡¯t wait it¡¯s been so long!¡±
ANYA: ¡°Good morning! I¡¯m good. At orthodontist office w/the kiddos! They are going to be late today. How r u? I miss u.¡±
ANYA: ¡°Sorry just dropped kids off at school. I miss you very much too. It hasn¡¯t been easy.¡±
ANYA: ¡°Can¡¯t believe I¡¯m going to see you in 4 days!¡±
As I fed off an excitement I hadn¡¯t felt in a while, positivity shot through me like an electric current, a surge that shocked my low self esteem into submission, however it also increased the risk to be struck by lightning.
ANYA: ¡°I¡¯m kinda nervous now!¡±
ME: ¡°It¡¯s funny but I get nervous before I see you, but when I do it¡¯s like I¡¯m around you every day. Hard to explain.¡±
ANYA: ¡°R u nervous about Friday?¡±
ME: ¡°A little bit I guess. I¡¯m more anxious than anything.¡±
ANYA: ¡°Promise me you¡¯re going to be okay with Friday?¡±
Her request suggested this rush of mine came with a caveat, just like everything else seemed to. Why wouldn¡¯t I be okay? Would it now be fair for me to request a promise from her to leave her husband? Did she consider she could be the cause behind the anxiety, and not me? After she found Katie¡¯s essay and her letter to me, this was a profound moment in our relationship. A testament to all we shared and felt for each other, yet she still tried to find a way to ruin it. Did her nervousness truly have anything to do with me at all? Did she fear I¡¯d experience an emotional letdown afterwards? If that¡¯s the case, how did she know she wouldn¡¯t be in danger of the same? After all, she said ¡°it hasn¡¯t been easy¡±. If we felt the same way about each other, then how could her emotional letdown be more manageable or less than mine?
Her words put my fear into play once again, but more than anything, I wanted her to prove everything Mitch told me was wrong. When she didn¡¯t, it made it that much harder for me to understand. I wanted her to give me something I could go to Mitch with so he could never spew another theory. Although I¡¯d never ask for the kind of promise she asked me for because she was entitled to those emotions, after I contemplated my knee jerk reaction to her nervousness, I realized what she tried to communicate; she couldn¡¯t afford to have an emotional breakdown in front of her kids. A part of me felt a little envious at times because her kids gave her something I didn¡¯t have; they took her away from the loneliness after each time we departed. She didn¡¯t feel the darkness after our meetings, as strong as I did, because she had someone there for her. A mother with cancer wasn¡¯t the best of buffers for my loneliness, as her malady only enhanced it. Although I found it unfair for Anya to demand a promise that I¡¯d be okay after our meeting, at the same time, I understood why she did. In order to be a fair request, she should¡¯ve also made a promise to me to not have mixed feelings once she returned home. To miss me terribly one day and then vanish on me the next as if I didn¡¯t exist. How fair would it be to her if ever I tried to control her emotions? Love was just that, an emotion and its energy was uncontrollable upon demand.
ME: ¡°I¡¯ll be okay with Friday. I¡¯ll miss you when you leave like I always do, but I¡¯m just happy I get to spend time with you.¡±
Anya¡¯s nervousness derailed my excitement, as I perceived it as an effort to control my heavy emotions; as if I had a choice in the matter. Did she not see the role her ¡°mixed feelings¡± played in my emotional letdowns? How they made me feel unsafe and fearful at times? Why did she find it such a noble act to hide her emotions from her kids after all we¡¯ve shared? We¡¯ve been together for fifteen months now, and not fifteen days. I didn¡¯t see the nobility in living a lie after Jackson¡¯s infidelities and emotional abuse led her to approach me. She initiated the entire relationship at this point as I let her run the show. I knew her true feelings because I watched her call the shots, all on her terms. If she didn¡¯t want us, then it would be the greatest betrayal ever. If the Bible meant a thing, he was not a husband. Husbands, men who truly loved their wives, didn¡¯t use them as vehicles to make a name for themselves. They didn¡¯t allow their wives to put themselves in harm¡¯s way. They didn¡¯t allow them to feel guilty about not protecting an abusive marriage. Husbands never used their wives to serve their pursuit of money and the finer things in life. This was a coup the minute he proposed to her. If Jackson planned to fight for Anya, how would he intend to win at this point now that his infidelities stared him right in the face at his son¡¯s baseball games? Would she not allow Andrew to be friends with that woman¡¯s son? I played team sports and they had to be friends on some level as teammates. Worst yet, what if Andrew and him became good friends and Anya now had to interact with her more? Was this the kind of life she would want Katie and Andrew to live for the sake of money? How was living with these kinds of negative emotions in a marriage acceptable to have, especially after she had me? I went from belief in our love to disbelief she was still married after all we shared and all she¡¯s ever went through with Jackson. How could she try to control my emotions about this? It was the equivalent of me asking her to not feel any emotions at the games around the woman who aided in the destruction of her marriage. I didn¡¯t have emotional letdowns just to have them. I hated them as much as she did, but I couldn¡¯t stop them as much as she tried to control me from not having them. I¡¯ve already been shot, and you can¡¯t take the bullet back.
As the evening fell upon us, and my day came to an end, Anya sent me a text to let me know she planned to go over Debbie¡¯s house to watch the final episode of ¡°The Bachelor¡± with Katie in tow. With an overflow of emotions from her earlier text, I don¡¯t know why, but it brought a tear to my eye as I found it sweet she got to spend some time together with Katie. It also brought memories of ¡°The Bachelorette¡± episode we watched together as I decided to watch it with them, but from afar. This time around though on the show, the guy had the choice, and he claimed to be in love with two women at the same time. All I could think of as I watched it was after all I did with and for Anya, how could that be possible? To be truly in love with two women at the same time seemed like a farce to me because of all the work that goes into loving someone. The investment in these women were too minimal for him to be in love with both. It sure seemed people nowadays just threw the word love around as if it meant nothing. If it¡¯s televised, it annoyed me that the masses, and there were more people who were unable to process information properly than those who were able to, could believe this love was real. Although were in different zip codes, I watched this show¡¯s finale with both Anya and Katie, with hope they would both see how love should be. For them to both witness, so if her mother left her father, that love conquered all, albeit on national television. ¡°The Bachelorette¡± though, I bought in, so why not ¡°The Bachelor¡±? After ¡°The Bachelorette¡± finale, Anya texted me throughout and even told me all she wants is to be happy again. I knew from my experience with Anya, this show touched her, and I wanted it to do the same with Katie to bear witness to it. As a huge part of me wanted to believe it¡¯s why she brought her there. So that she could see the goodness in love, and why it was so important to have and not let go of. To know I was the man, and not her father, who made Katie¡¯s mother happy, I wanted this episode to be an extension of that. For Katie to see for herself, how important love was to have in life. How important happiness meant. That happiness didn¡¯t come from money and accomplishments, but from love.
This time however, ¡°The Bachelor¡±, seemed to be more like Jackson, as he told these two women, he truly loved them both. At a time I needed the show to portray love in its truest form, to an audience of two that mattered to me, it made a mockery of love¡¯s meaning. I then watched the bachelor break a heart as the show lost its value to me as I turned off the television in disgust. When I needed a positive message the most, it seemed the Universe shifted, then turned its back on me and hung me out to dry. I began to fear, more than ever, that these baseball games only rekindled a flame from Anya for Jackson. And whether true or not, my low self esteem didn¡¯t care as it told me history was on the verge of a repeat in the worst way imaginable. All I could do was do was hope that Katie saw wasn¡¯t close to the love I had for her mother. That if someone loved two women at the same time only meant they didn¡¯t know true love at all, but that¡¯s what I had with her mother; true love. I believed one could be attracted to two people at the same time, but to truly love two people at the same was lust driven more than anything. In true love, the heart only had room for one reservation, never two.
I watched the show in the same room I danced with her, dried her tears and had lunch with her. So many memories of us filled my apartment, I lost count of them all. They appeared at fond intervals, uninitiated, but even unwanted at times to deal with the sorrow as I felt on this evening as I never heard from her the entire night. I knew nothing in life worth having was never easy, but I didn¡¯t believe love should be this difficult. To know Anya¡¯s love from a year ago would have texted me no matter what made her silence hard on the heart. I wanted to chalk it up to her daughter¡¯s presence, but this was the same woman who wasn¡¯t afraid to leave her daughter in Abercrombie just to catch a glimpse of me, was now afraid to text me, and that hurt a lot. But I guess it was a good thing Anya didn¡¯t text me about the show because I had nothing positive to share about I anyway.
The next morning when I awoke with a less fatigued mind, I sent Anya a text to wish her a good morning and to let her know I watched the show with a brief sentence about its message.
ANYA: ¡°Good morning! I think the whole show was staged. Anyone going on national TV to find true love deserves what they get I guess. Oh well, fun to watch though.¡±
ME: ¡°I agree. I thought the show was staged too. How r u?¡±
ANYA: ¡°I¡¯m good. Just leaving to meet a girlfriend for a circuit class. How r u? How¡¯s your mom?¡±
ME: ¡°My mom is fine babe, thanks for asking. I¡¯m good. I can¡¯t wait to see you on Friday!¡±
ANYA: ¡°Me too! Still nervous!¡±
ME: ¡°Is it because you¡¯re afraid I¡¯m going to have another breakdown?¡±
ANYA: ¡°Yes¡±
A punctuation oddity appeared in her text; she omitted a period. Did that mean something? Did it signify anger? Distress? Sadness? Fear? All of the aforementioned? Or was she just forgetful? Or maybe in a hurry? I really didn¡¯t know, but I chose to be compassionate to her concern regardless. The only struggle I had with her was how she made it seem love could easily be controlled. That for me to show emotion would be an irrational act on my part. She seemed to forget all about how this deep connection worked, and I felt she even disrespected it. It made it seem like she no longer believed in love, let alone our love, and that is was indeed, as she always thought of marriage, unrealistic. She made me feel as if the choice to be hurt, after she left, was mine at all anymore. That I had no right to feel that way and it was all in my control. Fifteen months later, Anya lost nothing. Her life never truly changed as I felt with each passing day our relationship was a gift from Jackson to even the score; a freebie for her. It also worried me about her emotions; that an uncertainty existed within her and if this was love she felt or just an infatuation. I knew what I wanted from day one of our relationship, and Anya led me to believe she knew the same thing. If she couldn¡¯t understand my emotions, and how much my life changed while her life remained the same, how could she truly feel the same thing for me as I felt for her? The time had come for me to face a cold harsh truth; if she had any mixed feelings, and she still didn¡¯t know, then she couldn¡¯t possibly have known if she truly loved me. It didn¡¯t mean she didn¡¯t care for me, but did she need me? She had everything she needed in life, more than what others had, so what was her incentive to be with me if she had nothing to lose anyway? If Jackson allowed our relationship so she could settle the score between them? Why did she care so much about the woman at the game if she had me in her life?
ME: ¡°The last time you came to see me, what you did for me was really unexpected. I¡¯ve never felt loved before that much and my emotions got the best of me. Is there a reason for your nervousness beyond me having an emotional breakdown? Will it be too emotional for you as well?¡±
ANYA: ¡°I¡¯m ok. Sorry, for the late response. Carolyn had a lot to say. Couldn¡¯t break away. Don¡¯t get me wrong. I¡¯m excited about Fri!¡±
I began to fear maybe Carolyn told her she saw me at Paseos and then tried to talk Anya out of meeting me on Friday. A possible scenario if Carolyn was concerned that I knew about her own marital tryst, and in case I told Anya anything, why wouldn¡¯t she try and make me appear untrustworthy to Anya? I wanted to ask her what Carolyn had to say, but what if Anya asked about Paseos? I only went there for twenty minutes, so it was hardly worth mentioning. I didn¡¯t want it to upset Anya emotionally as well as I remembered the last time she said it made her sad I was there by myself without her. In the end, I went with Anya¡¯s approach to honesty; I¡¯ll be honest but only if she asks. Now I hoped she would ask, only so she could see how unfair a form of truth by omission was.
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As the busy season trudged on, and another day progressed while the stress continued to mount, Anya sent me a text out of the blue at about three that afternoon.
ANYA: ¡°I love you forever.¡±
After my heart devoured the life it gave, and after I responded in kind, the rest of the day seemed like a one hour shift for me. Anya had a way to make me feel so much sadness for my negative emotions. When she sent me texts like these, it felt I let her down with my horrible thoughts of her, but they were also born from the fear she gave me at times when she had mixed feelings. I appreciated the gesture at a time I desperately needed it as I seemed to be more sensitive to everything. The stress, the fatigue I felt only compounded the fear and Anya was the one I leaned on. She was rooted deep within in me and I needed her feet planted deep in the ground in order to survive the turmoil that seemed to build around me more and more each passing day.
Later that evening, at around five, she texted me again to see if I started the fourth book of the ¡°Twilight¡± series; ¡°Breaking Dawn¡±.
ME: ¡°I did. Have you?¡±
ANYA: ¡°Yes.¡±
ME: ¡°What page are you on?¡±
ANYA: ¡°173.¡±
At times like this, when the Anya I desperately needed and hoped for, the one void of nervousness and welcomed my emotions made an appearance through her ¡°173¡± text, my laugh bellowed in my office. After I received a ¡°What¡¯s so funny, Landyn?¡± from the people outside my office and told them it was nothing, I shut my door and just smiled at the face of my phone. When they came around to look inside my office without a foot set in, I just waved them off and pointed at my computer screen as they shook their heads. When I composed myself after Anya had touched me from miles away, why I loved her so much, she then sent me another text to let me know she had to go as Andrew had another baseball game.
I didn¡¯t hear back from her for the entire evening as once again I felt my bipolar tendencies. For the last four hours, I had an unbelievable high, but now I had to sleep off this schizophrenia I experienced. There were no in between these highs and lows, just extremes existed for me now as I reached for a Vicodin to find some balance between the two. When the euphoria from the opiate hit me. I sent Anya a good night text before I fell asleep just before one.
ME: ¡°Hey 173! That¡¯s your new name. I¡¯m just getting ready for bed. Baby, don¡¯t be nervous about Friday. It will be light and with no serious talk. I¡¯m just really happy to spend some time with you. It might be emotional for both of us, but in a good way b/c it¡¯s been a long time since we¡¯ve seen eachother. It feels like I haven¡¯t seen you in a year, or maybe I just miss you that much. I just hope you like your thingie! I can¡¯t wait to give it to you! It won¡¯t hurt me if you can¡¯t wear it all the time but it means everything to me that you have it to wear when you can. Just like the moon, the stars, every constellation and galaxy in their natural everlasting state up in the heavens, I will always be in love with you. It¡¯s just the way it is and the way it will always be. Goodnight babe.¡±
The euphoria from the opiate at times could inspire me to feel things on a somewhat irrational level, but I meant every opiate inspired word. I knew one truth in this life through her, and I would always love her no matter what happened, even if I tried not to.
When the new day arrived, so did Anya¡¯s response.
ANYA: ¡°Good morning! Thx for the texts last night. I¡¯m going to love my thingie! It¡¯s from you! I like my new name!¡±
ME: ¡°I hope those texts helped ease the nervousness. How r u?¡±
ANYA: ¡°I¡¯m good! Just got out of KB! Yes they helped thank you. Can¡¯t wait!¡±
ME: ¡°Hard to believe I¡¯m going to see u in 2 days!¡±
ANYA: ¡°I know!¡±
Later in the day, Anya told me she planned to go to a friend¡¯s birthday dinner party later that evening. Most of that day came and went without a single text from her until I received one just before I went to bed.
ANYA: ¡°Just leaving Marie¡¯s dinner. Goodnight. I love you.¡±
ME: ¡°Goodnight. I love you too.¡±
When I thought I heard the last of her, she sent another text my way.
ANYA: ¡°Can¡¯t wait!¡±
It amazed me how one finger tap on her Blackberry keys transported me to a better or worse place as her final text made a very tough day for me magically fade away, as if she wielded a magic wand. For the first time in my life, I truly stood upon the most precarious precipice of the human mind. I seemed to lose my sense of self, no longer the goal oriented, pro risk man I once was, but a man now consumed by perpetual anxiety. An uneasiness brought forth by a lack of control I had over my own fate. I no longer lived life from where I sat but rather from where she sat. A co-dependency beyond comprehension, one that put me on a collision course with my own destruction as I could lose everything and all I ever worked for. My focus was no longer career oriented but instead dependent on her love for me. They say that actions were louder than words, so if she wasn¡¯t ambivalent to her marriage, why did her actions allow me to believe that she was? Was her goal to encourage me to make her ambivalent? She was clearly ambivalent to her marriage before she met me, otherwise she would¡¯ve never dated Lance. How could she ever believe for a second, let alone say, she wasn¡¯t ambivalent to her marriage after the last fifteen months together? She had to be ambivalent to her marriage no matter what she told me. Before I heard from Anya on this day, I felt angry, sad, and alone. These were feelings I couldn¡¯t ignore nor should ever feel from someone who loved me, yet I still did. However, I also had to consider if these feelings were more pronounced because of the stress and fatigue I felt from work and not from anything Anya did. Was I going crazy? Did I need professional help to sort through it all?
I rarely had dreams of my mother, but on this night, she came into one. I walked down the driveway of my parent¡¯s home, and tried to enter the house through the backdoor like I always did. On the back door, there¡¯s a window with a shade and when the shade is not drawn down, you can see the top of the washing machine to the right of the window as you get to the door. When I was very young, I would sit on the washing machine and read while my mom washed clothes. The sound and warmth of the washing machine relaxed me, but I also got to hang out with my mom who helped me with some of the larger words. The back door was always open, and if by a rare occurrence it wasn¡¯t, there was a key hidden in the electrical fuse box cabinet on the side of the house, right next to the back door. In my dream, as I approached the back door, the door was locked, but I could see my mother through the window as she was seated on the washing machine. I laughed at her childish act, as I waited for her to open the back door, but she didn¡¯t. She just sat there on the washing machine, with her hairless head and smiled at me. I then decided to go to the electric fuse box cabinet to grab the hidden key, a little annoyed with this game she played with me. After I grabbed the key, I went back to the door and tried to open the door but the key didn¡¯t work. I then looked up to see my mother, who I expected to open the backdoor for me when she no longer sat on the washing machine, but stood before me. However, she didn¡¯t open the door for me, but just waved at me, as if to say good-bye with a smile no longer on her face, while she pulled the shade slowly down. I then woke up abruptly, and frantically recalibrated my mind back to reality until I realized this was only a dream. I couldn¡¯t help though but feel a sadness wash over me as it felt the universe had told me something my mother could not. From that moment on, I could never look at the backdoor to my house, one I entered and exited a million times, the same way again. The dream felt so real, it hit me hard the next day at work as it coincided with another chemo day for my mother.
Thankfully, a sorely needed text from Anya greeted me in the morning.
ANYA: ¡°Good morning! One more day!¡±
It meant a lot to see her excitement and not her apprehension as I needed her, more than ever, to not show mixed feelings as much as she didn¡¯t want me to show her my emotions.
ME: ¡°Good morning! Somebody pinch me! Hard to believe! Can¡¯t wait babe! How r u this morning?¡±
ANYA: ¡°Ha! I¡¯m happy! Excited! How r u?¡±
It warmed my heart to feel the happiness through her texts as it¡¯s why I fought through all my negative emotions.
ME: ¡°I¡¯m good! I¡¯m always good whenever you¡¯re happy!¡±
ANYA: ¡°Does your mom go in again today.¡±
ME: ¡°She goes in tomorrow. Very sweet of you to ask.¡±
ANYA: ¡°I¡¯m sorry babe. Do you want to go see her tomorrow? I could meet you towards your parent¡¯s house if you want me to?¡±
ME: ¡°Thank you for your thoughtfulness, babe, but my Dad will be with her so we can still meet at my place.¡±
Her thoughtfulness touched me as tears filled my eyes as the dream I had about my mother played a role in my sudden emotions. I not only had big hopes for us, but even bigger plans for us, and they centered around the introduction of my mother to Anya one day. I just knew they would hit it off, but my mother¡¯s condition now made it seem impossible. Without my awareness, it created an urgency for her to leave Jackson as I wanted so badly to believe it¡¯s why the Universe intervened in the form of a person from Anya¡¯s past to not only hasten, but to make the decision to leave him much easier. Unfortunately, I had a lifetime of the Universe¡¯s unfairness towards me to refer to that wouldn¡¯t allow me to think that positively. This was Anya at her very best though. The Anya I missed every single minute of every single day. The Anya I¡¯d die for as she connected with me in such a way, it seemed like she knew everything about the dream I had.
Later that afternoon, the Anya I knew and loved, stayed consistent with the Anya I dreamt of dropping a knee for under the Eiffel Tower.
ANYA: ¡°Hi! Counting down!¡±
ME: ¡°Hey babe! T-Minus 24 hours! R u nervous?¡±
ANYA: ¡°Yes. Butterflies! R u nervous?¡±
ME: ¡°I¡¯m way more excited than nervous.¡±
ANYA: ¡°Me too!¡±
Anya¡¯s sweet and thoughtful texts were like blood transfusions as I almost felt reborn and saved from the merciless despair I felt over the last week. With all the things that piled upon me, I felt lost emotionally, but as I tried to make sense of my sadness, it made me feel even worse. Her texts saved me from my own destruction, as they brought back memories of the first days of our love. To feel that; to know these feelings still existed, made me feel moronic and ashamed to ever question if they still did. I just really needed to see and feel her excitement about the visit. To have the safety to know her feelings mirrored mine. Her texts also showed she trusted me, and that she understood how much I loved and needed her right now.
My great day continued when Anya sent me a text later that evening.
ANYA: ¡°What page are you on now? And don¡¯t tell me 173 mister!¡±
ME: ¡°172.¡±
ANYA: ¡°Ha!¡±
ME: ¡°Did I tell you I can¡¯t wait to see you tomorrow?¡±
ANYA: ¡°Haha! Me too. Having issues with Katie right now. Sorry.¡±
ME: ¡°Sorry to hear that babe. I¡¯m here if you need me.¡±
Although I never heard back from her for the rest of that evening, my heart was full of love and hope. No room to feel distress but only compassion for her. Something I¡¯d much rather feel as I loved her too much to give in to the Mitch consensus. I refused to believe she could love anyone this much without any intent to find a way to be with them someday. She just needed a little more time to figure it out. Anya wasn¡¯t the type of person Mitch wanted to believe she was. He had an ulterior motive to be against her; he wanted to hang out with me again for the free ride home as I¡¯m sure the taxi cabs emptied his wallet. I knew people, like Mitch, on the outside who looked in, wouldn¡¯t understand, but they were just like deep-sea scientists who couldn¡¯t understand the type of creatures they encountered at such depths and how they were able to survive in conditions so dark. Like ant deep sea life form, I had to trust in the conditions that gave me so much life, regardless of the unfavorable situation that surrounded me. I bet my life that Anya was a much better person than the man she married, and a true victim of spousal abuse. More than anything, I believed she was in this to be with me one day, and not to steal my soul.
When the day arrived, a day I waited nearly six weeks for, to see the most beautiful person in this world to me, I never felt so elated to see her. I breathed easier. Slept longer. Smiled more. And lived life as if this day was my last. I couldn¡¯t be happier in life than when Anya was in eye¡¯s reach. Every day of my life seemed like a chore, but never with Anya in it as she became my greatest inspiration. To me, every beautiful thing on this planet, that made someone grateful to be alive, was Anya. These moments I spent with her felt so wonderful, and they were why I fought the negative emotions where others would fall to disbelief. It¡¯s why I took the hits to my heart, and why I persisted on its beat as I knew, it would fail to beat without these moments.
On the day of our meeting, Anya sent me a text early that morning as I could hardly contain all the excitement I felt.
ANYA: ¡°Good morning! Sorry about last night! Girl drama w/her friends. I¡¯ll c u soon!¡±
ME: ¡°Good morning! No need to apologize babe. Just happy you were there for her. R u nervous?¡±
I don¡¯t know what prompted me to ask as I instantly regretted it. I guess I expected to read ¡°So excited!¡± or ¡°Can¡¯t wait!¡±, like she usually texted to me on day we met as I sensed more excitement from her four days ago than on the day were to meet. After six weeks since the last time we saw each other, her response void of enthusiasm, struck fear in me.
ANYA: ¡°A bit. U?¡±
ME: ¡°A little but I¡¯m much more excited.¡±
ANYA: ¡°Me too.¡±
As we reached most crucial and pivotal point in our relationship, my uneasiness prompted me to pay extra close attention to every detail in her word and punctuation usage, and when I didn¡¯t see an exclamation point follow ¡°but I¡¯m much more excited¡±, it only left me to wonder if she truly was.
ME: ¡°Are you sure, babe?¡±
ANYA: ¡°Yes!¡±
ME: ¡°Ok! Did u have a rough night with Katie, Sweetheart?¡±
ANYA: ¡°Yes. Just the beginning.¡±
When she revealed she had a rough night with Katie, my fear receded. I knew how teenagers were from my days at the Daycare, and how easily parents went from hero to villain. Katie entered a tough time in her life. Women matured sooner than boys did, and she was trying to figure out who she was, and where she fit in. I knew her parents pushed her to give her best at everything she did, but she needed to figure out where to allocate her time as she couldn¡¯t give the best of herself to two different activities that took up all of her free time if she wanted to be happy. I know she loved dance, but it seemed like school was of greater importance and the best place to allocate her time to. Anya and Jackson were both good parents. I could never question their views on the importance of a good education, and although Anya felt Katie had a ¡°big head¡±, I felt to instill confidence in your children was a great thing as long as humility was present. I wished someone instilled confidence in me as a lot of my low self esteem issues came from my father who tore me down more than he ever built me up. Who told me of all the things I could never do and never of the things I could, all because life experiences taught him that. I could be upset with my father and question him, but I could never blame him because he wasn¡¯t aware of the damage it caused. In some ways it worked, but most of the time, it only worked against me. I never attended the best schools. I never got straight ¡®A¡¯¡¯s, but it lit a fire under me to prove him wrong, and in just three months from this day, I¡¯d be a partner of a large growing local CPA firm with a salary of a half million dollars per year. Regardless, I¡¯ll always remember what my Dad wrote on that chalkboard, when I was at the bottom of my life; ¡°Landyn does not make college¡±. At my lowest point in life, he kicked me when I was down to the point I didn¡¯t know if I wanted to be alive. At those times I felt less than zero, I often wondered if I was never a CPA, if he would¡¯ve cut me out of his life completely. If we would ever talk today even as my mother fought cancer. Failure was just never an option for me, and the fear of failure only led me to work harder as I never wanted my dad to be right about me; that I wasn¡¯t the mistake he made thirty-eight years ago.
Anya agreed to meet at my place at eleven thirty that morning. The only cause of my nervousness was I wondered if she would like her necklace. Even though I felt it was simple, pure and beautiful like our love, what if she looked upon it differently? This was the first time I ever bought jewelry for a girl, and to be brutally honest, I never felt inspired to buy jewelry for a girl before because I had never truly been in love until now. What if she didn¡¯t accept it? What if she had mixed feelings and told me she didn¡¯t feel right about it without a promise? As I thought of these total disaster scenarios, I worried how this could all go wrong today, and how her visit could turn into her last. When the clock struck thirty-five minutes past the hour, my worries sprang to life until I received a text from her.
ANYA: ¡°Almost there¡±
A late arrival time, on a day of such significance where I planned to give her a show of my love, gave me enough anxiety to feel sick to my stomach. And as every minute passed, it seemed to suggest her excitement was replaced by reluctance. When it seemed the walls of my apartment collapsed upon me, I then walked downstairs and waited for her at the gate. Ten minutes later at eleven fifty, and twenty minutes later than she agreed to, I received the text I always loved to read as I watched her appear inside the parking lot from where I stood.
ANYA: ¡°Here¡±
I didn¡¯t want her to know I waited outside as I didn¡¯t want her to feel bad for being late, even on a day that meant so much. Anya feared my emotions, and a part of me understood why, but her ¡°mixed feelings¡± is what contributed to them. She told me she was ¡°excited¡± about today, but I knew her excitement over the last fifteen months was never twenty minutes late. In no uncertain terms, she told me she loved me, and she showed me in no uncertain terms, she did. If she had mixed feelings though, in any way, it made me question what her love meant. When she reached my gate, she looked more beautiful than I could remember, and if there was any reluctance to visit me, she sure didn¡¯t dress the part. When I opened the gate for her, her eyes met mine with the same love in them they always greeted me with. She then bowed her head, unapologetically and spoke.
¡°I have to be honest.¡± she said as she looked back up at me. ¡°I thought about turning around.¡±
¡®Sweetheart.¡± I said as I softly touched her left palm and then held it in mine. ¡°There¡¯s nothing to be nervous about. There are no expectations. We¡¯ll sit down and talk. I¡¯ll give you your thingie. No pressure whatsoever. I¡¯m just so happy you¡¯re here I want to cry.¡±
Anya nodded her head, smiled, and tightened her grip on my hand as we began our journey into the unknown. A nervousness all its own then sprang to life as I worried about how to present the thingie to her. Do I leave it in the turquoise pouch? Do I take it out and hand it to her? Or do I just place it around her neck? I had no clue of jewelry presentation etiquette, all I knew was, I had a necklace for her that meant the world to me she had. The other mystery was that Anya didn¡¯t know what this ¡°thingie¡± actually was. It could have been a bracelet, a charm, or even a ring. If I was cheap and listened to her, it also could have been just a piece of string or a bamboo ring. The element of surprise was on my side though, and it made me feel a little better. After I worried, a smile broke upon my face when I realized I had something, at this very moment, I never thought I would ever have again: her hand in mine.
¡°What are you smiling about, babe?¡± she asked me as I reached the top of the steps.
¡°Just everything.¡± I said as I fought back my own tears.
When we got inside, I put her purse on the kitchen counter. Anya positioned herself behind me so when I turned around, she slowly crashed into my arms. I held her like I never wanted her to leave my arms as I held her tightly against me. We embraced for about a minute without a single word said because we simply didn¡¯t need to. Uncertain about our status, I waited for a signal from her, and when she turned her face into mine, I knew she wanted to taste me as badly as I wanted to taste her. Nearly six weeks passed since we last saw each other. No tea in between, no talks near Cascade Park, and not even a ten minute visit. After all we¡¯ve shared only the advances of text messaging kept us in contact with each other, and to say it didn¡¯t hurt me would be the biggest lie ever told. I understood though that Katie¡¯s essay was an unexpected event and how it could put her in a state of panic. As much as it hurt me, I loved her too much to penalize or punish her for it. As I held her in my arms it only proved once more; that even after a letter she penned to end us, each and every time she tried to pull away, her love and pain only shone through more than ever. I had to catch her because that¡¯s what love did. Love always caught the ones who fell. My heart could only feel compassion for her. and then forgiveness even as she tried to end our relationship. Even when I considered worst case scenarios, I just wanted her back in my arms. To feel her. To hear her. To smell her. To taste her. To see her. To be with her so I could destroy myself all over again.
I rested my lips upon hers as I tasted the salt from the tears that came from her eyes. We then began to kiss more passionately as I brought my right hand up and upon where her head and neck met. With my left I brought her body into mine as she moaned with breathless pleasure. As we kissed, she told me ¡°I¡¯ve missed you so much¡± as my affirmative response only ignited our act of reconnection. Two minutes later, as we felt in need of air, I gently brought my head to hers.
¡°I love you forever.¡± I whispered.
¡°I love you forever.¡± she whispered back.
¡°Why are we whispering?¡± I whispered.
¡°I don¡¯t know.¡± she whispered back.
¡°I¡¯ll be right back.¡± I whispered as I kissed her on her lips.
¡°Hurry back please.¡± she whispered as her lips met mine. ¡°I¡¯ll miss you.¡±
¡°I¡¯ll miss you more.¡± I whispered.
¡°Impossible.¡± she exclaimed without a whisper.
I laughed and kissed her once more before I left to go to my room to grab her ¡°thingie¡±. I decided to remove it from its turquoise pouch as I reasoned if she knew it came from Tiffany & Co., she might have an idea how much I spent on it. I only wanted her to see it as simple, pure and beautiful, just like our love, and not where it came from. When I returned. she moved from the entranceway to the living room, as she stood near my desktop computer. As I made my approach, I dangled the thin silver necklace from my hand, and across my palm, so she could view it in its entirety. As I continued my journey to her that felt like slow motion, I noticed an invasion of sunlight through my drawn shades made it sparkle as I hoped the universe found a way to aid in its appeal. When she withdrew her eyes from mine and to what I held across my hand, she jumped three times and clapped with an excitement, the most genuine of reactions consistent with love I could¡¯ve never predicted.
¡°Please put it on!¡± she said in anticipation as she turned her backside quickly to me as she held her hair up with both hands.
Before I put the necklace on, I admire her thin beautiful neck as it brought back memories when she visited me at five in the morning and had her hair up in a pony tail. After a few seconds passed after I located the small latch, I clasped it and then gently laid the piece of jewelry upon her tan skin. She turned around just as quickly as she did the first time.
¡°What do you think?¡± I asked with a huge smirk. ¡°Did I do ok?¡±
¡°Ok?¡± she said as she looked down and felt it with her left hand then looked back up at me. ¡°It¡¯s beautiful. I love it babe.¡±
¡°I¡¯m so relieved!¡± I said. ¡°I asked the girl at the counter if she would have bought it for herself and she said she would.¡±
¡°Thank you, babe. I adore it.¡±
¡°I know it falls short, but it was the closest thing that I could find to be as beautiful
as you.¡± I said.
Her lips crashed softly into mine as I brought her body against mine. We then realized where we stood would no longer do, as we made our way to my bedroom to unleash and to feed our need for each other. As we loved each other for the next hour, I felt the truth in her every kiss, in her every touch and in her every ¡°I love you¡± as we reconnected in the most intimate of ways; the truth Anya realized she overreacted to Katie¡¯s letter. As the necklace graced her neck, I kissed her breastplate where it rested upon as she smiled each and every time I did. When I kissed her breastplate, as the necklace I got her laid upon it, it felt she belonged to me even when she technically didn¡¯t. It made me fantasize I kissed her pregnant tummy if she carried my child, and if she wore my ring, as I¡¯m sure I would¡¯ve kissed that too. Regardless of the technicality, and after she made up her mind, I felt closer to her than ever before as she allowed me to feel as if she did belong to me as we loved each other without fear.
After an hour passed, as we lied down on my bed and faced each other, unable to remove our eyes from the other, she began to speak.
¡°I just love it.¡± she said as she looked at it on her neck and felt it with her left hand.
¡°I¡¯m just happy you love it babe.¡± I said. ¡°It¡¯s an honor to have you wear something of mine.¡±
¡°Where did you find the ¡°thingie¡±? How did you do this?¡±
¡°You know¡I went to the ¡°thingie¡± mall where they have lots of ¡°thingie¡± stores. I talked to a sales person who then showed me many ¡°thingies¡±.¡±
¡°Is this really the first time you¡¯ve ever bought jewelry for a girl?¡±
¡°You¡¯re the first recipient ever, babe.¡±
¡°Thank youuuuuuuuuu!¡± she said as she came into my arms as I laid on my back and held her in them. ¡°I love you forever.¡±
¡°I love you forever.¡± I said as my lips met hers. ¡°Aren¡¯t you glad you didn¡¯t turn around?¡±
¡°Yes, I am, babe. I¡¯m sooo happy right now!¡±
¡°I¡¯m sooo happy right now!¡± I exclaimed. ¡°The way you feel about it just means the world to me.¡±
¡°I will wear it close to my heart forever.¡±
When she told me this, as sweet as she meant it to be, my heart sank into my stomach as my fear processed it as an admission from her; that I wouldn¡¯t be around to see it on her. I fought back the tsunami of negative emotions her words generated as they threatened to end the beauty of our time together, but then she spoke again.
¡°If we get married, I would like to get married in Vegas first.¡± she sprung upon me.
Of course, my heart would¡¯ve loved to hear ¡°when we¡± instead of ¡°if we¡±, but her request stymied the fear I felt and served as a reminder of why she was the first girl I ever bought a piece of jewelry for.
¡°Is there a particular reason why?¡± I asked with a smile I couldn¡¯t hide from her.
¡°So, we wouldn¡¯t be nervous at our real wedding because we¡¯d already be married.¡± she responded.
¡°I see. The sooner we get married the better.¡± I said as I winked at her. ¡°I love the way you think.¡±
Anya then laughed and rolled into me as we began to show each other affection once again as the day, that started out with so much fear, ended with our hearts back in tune, full of hope, with each other. As we both faced each other, we also faced reality; I couldn¡¯t quit her as much as she couldn¡¯t quit me. We talked more about marriage, and even about babies yet none of it scared us as we both wanted those things with our soulmate. On a day that could¡¯ve easily went wrong rather quickly, became just another beautiful moment to our relationship and a testament to our love. On this day, when the time came for her to go, and before I could pull her back to me before she left, she put her arm around me and pulled me back in bed with her as I roared with laughter and the greatest sense of happiness I¡¯ve ever known. She even stayed longer than she planned to as she left me convinced the day couldn¡¯t have gone any better. As I walked her out, with her hand back in mine, the sun glistened with pride upon the small diamonds within the heart pendant. As the sun brought out the beauty in what she wore, I couldn¡¯t help but notice the poetic justice of the Universe, and what seemed to be its acknowledgement, of how beautiful this day was to us.
I gave her a warm hug before she exited my gate and then stayed to wave goodbye to her as she drove off. Before she left, I caved in and gave her the Tiffany & Co pouch so she had a place to put my heart when she couldn¡¯t wear it. As I walked back to my apartment, it was then I realized I didn¡¯t know when I would see her again, as I didn¡¯t want to put any pressure on her. All I could do was hope the sorrow and sadness to follow would not break me into pieces.
When Anya got home, as I asked her to do, she texted me.
ANYA: ¡°I¡¯m glad I have something from you I get to hold forever. I had a great time with you today just fooling around. You felt like home. I missed you so.¡±
Her text seemed to be another admission that a promise would never come, but after her talk of marriage and babies as we held each other in the most intimate sense, I found it to come from the fear I could leave her, and not from any kind of plan she failed to make me aware of.
ME: ¡°It means everything to me that you have it now, and I¡¯m so proud it means that much to you. I had a beautiful time as always. You felt like home to me too. I¡¯ve missed you so much.¡±
ANYA: ¡°Very proud to wear my thingie! I miss u!¡±
ME: ¡°Thank you. That¡¯s the greatest honor ever, babe. I miss u too!¡±
She then texted me again to say goodnight.
ANYA: ¡°Thank u again. I love it. Goodnight. I love you.¡±
I went to bed with the knowledge the sixth day of March, in the year two thousand nine, was a really good day in my life as I felt back on track with life again. Without Anya, due to the mental aspect of my career. I feared it would succumb to this relentless and at times, distressing need for her love. Consistent with the beauty of the prior day, she was the first to text me the next morning.
ANYA: ¡°Good morning. I just love my thingie. Sorry I keep saying that but I do. How¡¯s your mom babe?¡±
ME: ¡°I¡¯m just elated you love it babe! She¡¯s going in for her chemo treatment later today. She seems to be okay. How¡¯s Katie doing?¡±
ANYA: ¡°She¡¯s torn between doing the right thing and the opposite. She has to learn to figure out politics. Life¡¯s lesson. Hard to watch though.¡±
ME: ¡°You can¡¯t make everyone happy in life. You know that more than anyone, babe. She¡¯s got you there for her so she¡¯s in good hands. Miss u.¡±
ANYA: ¡°Thank u. All I can do is be here for her and support her. It¡¯s a curse to be smart and popular. I miss u too. I miss everything about yesterday. I miss us.¡±
When I read ¡°It¡¯s a curse to be smart and popular¡±, I felt it was there the true problem lied. How could Anya, in good conscience, knowing it¡¯s a curse to be both smart and popular, not take it as an opportunity to teach her it was more important to be smart than popular? If Anya thought Katie had a ¡°big head¡± it was because Anya seemed fearful of her. Shouldn¡¯t Katie be more concerned about her grades than her social status? Didn¡¯t Anya consider that it was their wealth, such as the access to horses and boats, that led to Katie¡¯s popularity? If those could be identified as a source to the problem, why wouldn¡¯t she suspend it for a while? This was a perfect example of what I faced that Anya never told me; the high value they placed on social status. Their status as figures of popularity seemed to suggest Anya built a co-dependency upon it, and used it as a platform to be recognized as one of the ¡°cooler¡± parents. Unfortunately for my heart, no matter how abusive Jackson was, Anya never excluded him, nor made plans to even as we grew closer. I then remembered when Anya told me she would stand to lose seventy five percent of her friends if she were to leave Jackson. I personally didn¡¯t see the great loss in them since a man she knew for a much less period of time than the seventy five percenters she feared to lose she recognized as her best friend. Or was my ¡°best friend¡± status something she threw together so I would second guess myself at every turn? Would she rather lose her best friend and soulmate than the seventy percent of friends who probably were just only acquaintances used for networking purposes? Did these friends also hold the key to Katie¡¯s popularity and it would be a double whammy if she lost them? I couldn¡¯t help but think Anya felt if she left Jackson, the social status of her kids, and even herself. would take a monster hit and her kids would hate her. Again, another thing I had to deduce on my own. I then tried to bury her ¡°smart and popular¡± portion of her text and instead focused on the beauty of yesterday.
ME: ¡°Me too, baby. I miss everything.¡±
ANYA ¡°Let me know when you run out of truffle oil. I can pick more up for you. Btw the oil doesn¡¯t last forever. You can tell when it starts to get old by the smell. FYI.¡±
ME: ¡°FYI. Wouldn¡¯t you know I¡¯m out of it now? What a coinkidink! See you soon!¡±
ANYA ¡°Haha!¡±
After she gave me this bit of information, I decided to make the rice more often and made sure to use extra truffle oil each time I did.
Later that afternoon, another Saturday spent in the office, Anya sent me another text, an anomaly on Saturdays now that meant everything to me after the prior day together.
ANYA ¡°Wearing the thingie! It¡¯s so pretty!¡±
ME: ¡°Of course it is! It¡¯s on you! How r u, babe?¡±
ANYA ¡°I¡¯m good. I miss u.¡±
ME: ¡°I miss u too, Sweetheart. I love how it sparkles in the sun and I love that you finally have something from me, especially with what you have to go through at the games.¡±
ANYA ¡°I love that I have something from u too. I touch it all day long. You¡¯re always with me. I love you very much.¡±
ME: ¡°I didn¡¯t know it was possible to smile and cry at the same time. I love you very much too.¡±
Saturdays brought the roughest days and nights of my life as my heart and mind waged a civil war within to understand her silence. On this Saturday however, Anya stayed in touch with me throughout and even after I reached out to her on a usual quiet evening from her.
ME: ¡°I miss you.¡±
ANYA: ¡°I miss u too. Thank you for my heart to hold onto. I love you.¡±
ME: ¡°Thank you for holding it for me. I love you too.¡±
Her continued appreciation and love for the necklace my heart found for her saved my soul as I felt like her hero again. As if I had just found her lost treasured pet. There were some thing Anya said from time to time, that after Mitch tore me apart with, made me feel as if I had been duped. The necklace though, now forever hers, restored my faith in her love for me. If we survived Katie¡¯s struggles, especially her overhearing of Anya¡¯s threat to divorce Jackson, then truly nothing was impossible as Anya proclaimed before we started. To see her love reach me with the consistency of Friday, made me whole again, and wiped clean all I feared. To hear from her on a Saturday night gave me the greatest sense of peace I hadn¡¯t felt in some time as I was able to finally catch up on the sleep I missed over the last week.
And the consistency I craved, carried through into the next morning, as I received her most hopeful text in a long time, if ever.
ANYA: ¡°Good morning! I had the strangest dream. We got married but your parents asked us why we couldn¡¯t move in together. We told her we can¡¯t now but one day. The dream was so clear. They were standing around looking at us and we said we know that it looks odd to the world but we knew what we were doing.¡±
Although only a dream, I read somewhere, a dream was a wish your heart made, and it breathed life well beyond life into me. If she dreamt of marrying me, we had to find a way to make it come true as she dreamt for the both of us. I then thought of what she said the other day about getting married in Las Vegas first, and it got me to think; did anything really stop us from getting married before she divorced Jackson? Over the last fifteen months, without physically doing so, Anya found ways to touch me. Her I was, in wait of a promise from her, in need to hear the words ¡°I promise to be with you¡±, instead, she offered something much more than a promise could ever give without a word, her love forever through a dream. An idea I never considered, to be married in secret, the ultimate promise to leave Jackson and to help me deal with the negative emotions until she did leave him. Before I could truly entertain the idea fully though, Anya sent me a follow-up text.
ANYA: ¡°Sorry wasn¡¯t trying to give you any ideas. It was my dream last night that¡¯s all.¡±
I knew it was only a dream. I knew it was unrealistic, but I clung to hope whenever it presented myself, and this had a beautiful nature to it. I¡¯m sure she considered my mother and her illness before this dream occurred. How she would¡¯ve wanted my mother to know she loved her son, and I felt confident I knew Anya¡¯s heart more than anyone. I then tussled with the idea of telling Anya my mother would understand more than she realized. I just didn¡¯t know how she would respond to the choice I made to tell my mother about our relationship. She knew my mother and I were really close though, so maybe she¡¯d understand from the perspective my mother supported her and gave me advice on us. If she only knew my mom; how much she liked her and how she always wanted a daughter. My mother would probably bond with Anya so much, if we ever argued, I¡¯d lose every argument because my mom would always side with her. I wouldn¡¯t mind though because my mom was fair and always told me the truth even when I feared to hear it. After some serious consideration, I decided to hold off on the reveal, and decided to save it for another time or maybe I¡¯d let her know on our wedding day.
ME: ¡°So are you saying I should cancel the Vegas trip now? Just kidding! I know it¡¯s your dream but it¡¯s mine too. That¡¯s why it¡¯s so beautiful to me. I believe if and when we got married, it would make sense to everyone one day.¡±
Later that evening, Anya texted me, like a school of fish on a bleached coral reef, a near impossibility event on a Sunday night.
ANYA: ¡°Missing u.¡±
ME: ¡°Missing u too, babe.¡±
ANYA: ¡°I love you.¡±
ME: ¡°I love you too.¡±
ANYA: ¡°Ok. Friday was so nice. The ¡°wedding¡± was beautiful. I swear I think I¡¯m losing it sometimes.¡±
The last thing I wanted her to feel, after the hopeful beauty of Friday, and especially after the last fifteen months, that a dream of our wedding was anything less than rational. If we couldn¡¯t dream of our wedding, then we had no business loving each other for even a day.
ME: ¡°I think we both lost it a long time ago then.¡±
ANYA: ¡°Ha! How¡¯s your mom, babe?¡±
ME: ¡°She¡¯s well. I will probably go see her sometime this week just to make sure.¡±
ANYA: ¡°Tell her I love her for having you! JK!¡±
Just when I thought she couldn¡¯t touch me any further, she found another way. I wanted so badly for my mom and Anya to get to know each other, and I almost came clean but resisted the strong urge.
ME: ¡°Haha! I¡¯ll let her know! So, what was our ¡°wedding¡± like? Can you describe it to me?¡±
ANYA: ¡°Not elaborate. Simple, pure and beautiful.¡±
ME: ¡°Just like our love¡¡±
ANYA: ¡°Just like our love.¡±
I felt the universe willed our love to manifest itself through her dreams. The weekend, which started almost catastrophically, provided more hope than ever as she loved her necklace so much it prompted her to dream of our wedding, even after Katie¡¯s struggles nearly ended us. Just days ago, I thought the universe worked against our love, however, after we survived our greatest obstacle yet, and she returned home to my arms, I had clearly forgotten how the universe only worked in favor of those who truly loved each other.
Before Anya went to bed, she told me she would share the details of the wedding later as there was something beyond its simplicity, purity and beauty; its inevitability. After I held her to that, little did we both realize, the universe had some details to divulge to us as well.
CHAPTER 38 ~ FAR, FEW, BETWEEN
¡°Lay back in my tenderness
Let¡¯s make this a night we won¡¯t forget
Girl, I need your sweet caress.
Reach out to a fantasy
Two hearts in the beat of ecstasy
Come to me, girl¡±
~ "The Lady in My LIfe" Michael Jackson
The next day, after a beautiful weekend that brought the most hopeful days of our relationship, blessings only the universe could have provided continued to arrive.
ANYA: ¡°I love you! I¡¯m going to San Diego this weekend w/Katie and her ballet teacher, competition. I¡¯m staying at the Island hotel in the Gas Lamp District.¡±
ME ¡°I love you too! I¡¯m happy for you, babe. You and Katie can get some quality time together. The Gas Lamp District is a fun part of town. I didn¡¯t know they had an Island hotel there.¡±
ANYA: ¡°I haven¡¯t been to that part of town. Well she has competition all day Fri and convention all day Sun. We have Sat to play so I¡¯m excited!¡±
After she shared her plans, I started to compose a text to ask if I could meet her there, but my thoughts jumped to her heartbreak over Katie¡¯s struggles, and I deleted the query from my phone. At the very least, it did my heart good to know she was away from Jackson.
ME ¡°I¡¯m happy for you babe! You deserve the down time! I¡¯m sure you guys will have a blast! It¡¯s a fun part of town!¡±
ANYA: ¡°You don¡¯t want to get a room there for one night, do you? Even if u do, I couldn¡¯t see you until Katie goes to bed on Sat night. I¡¯d just come to your room late.¡±
All I could do was pinch myself as I read her text several times as. The necklace seemed magical as it brought a love from her, I never thought I¡¯d feel again, after she learned of Katie¡¯s adversity. Just the other day, a day she nearly canceled on her visit to see me, I gave her the ¡°thingie¡± and things started to change, as it reignited the beauty of our love, so much so, she dreamt of our wedding, and now a night together in San Diego. She still believed in us. That she refused to quit us. And like me, she told me ¡°I believe in love¡±. If one of us couldn¡¯t believe in our love, then what could either of us ever believe in? Without her knowledge, and to my great delight, she showed Mitch how wrong he was about everything as she made me feel like her hero again. As long as it didn¡¯t make her feel guilty or took her time away from Katie, there was no way I wouldn¡¯t go down to spend time with her. Even if I only got to hold her for an hour, the trip was worth every penny.
ME: ¡°I¡¯d love to, babe! As long as I don¡¯t steal that time away from Katie, I¡¯d love to get a room for one night.¡±
ANYA: ¡°OK great! Same hotel? You can go online and get a room cheaper than going directly to their website.¡±
ME: ¡°Thanks for the tip. I¡¯ll be sure to do that. I¡¯ll book a room at the Island Hotel for Saturday night!¡±
ANYA: ¡°Sorry to disappoint you but Thursday is my scheduled 28th day of the month which means Sat is a bummer. Still ok with you to come down?¡±
ME: ¡°I know I¡¯m a different type of man than what you¡¯re used to, but this is 100% true. Remember the guy who was okay with just playing a board game on our first date? I¡¯m still that guy. As great as it is to experience with you, there¡¯s so much more to you than the love making. I love spending time with you and any chance I get, it feels just like Christmas morning when I was a kid. If I can hold you in my arms, I¡¯m not only the happiest man alive, but the luckiest too. You never have to ask me that ever again because love making is only one way of showing you how much you mean to me.¡±
ANYA: ¡°This is what impresses me every time. You don¡¯t care about what kind of shape or form. You¡¯re just happy to see me and I so appreciate that. I love you forever.¡±
ME: ¡°You don¡¯t know how much just seeing you or being around you means to me. You¡¯re not just one thing to me, you¡¯re everything. I love you forever. I¡¯ll book the room right now.¡±
ANYA: ¡°Oh I was thinking if you should make the room reservation under a different name? You just never know. What do you think?¡±
ME: ¡°Ok, babe. I¡¯ll put it under an alias just to be on the safe side.¡±
ANYA: ¡°Sorry, do u think I¡¯m too paranoid?¡±
ME: ¡°I don¡¯t know if you are or not. Never been in this situation before, but I think it¡¯s a good idea.¡±
ANYA: ¡°I just think it would be easy for him to pick up the phone and ask to be connected to L. Lastman¡¯s room. They would connect him. That would be his confirmation and I wouldn¡¯t want him to drive down.¡±
ME: ¡°I agree. I¡¯ll be sure to do that. I¡¯m sorry I didn¡¯t consider that first.¡±
Anya confused being ¡°paranoid¡± to being sensible as he could paint Anya to be ¡°unfit¡± as a mother if he confirmed his wife¡¯s lover was with her and their daughter in San Diego. It made me mad at myself to not consider the possibility at all as I vowed to be more cognizant of the perilous ground we now tread upon. I never could imagine myself, at any point in my life before I met Anya, in this kind of scenario. From an observer without any information about their marriage, or the kind of man Jackson was, I¡¯d be the first to say I deserve to be shot dead. Any man who was found with a man¡¯s wife in a hotel room while her daughter was at the same hotel in a room downstairs had to be on the same level as a pedophile. That would not only destroy a family but basically murder another man¡¯s mind. In most cases, for me to show up in San Diego would be a heinous, unconscionable act, however, this was so much different. Of course, it would¡¯ve been better if Anya was at least separated from Jackson, but Anya initiated pretty much every meeting we ever had. In fact, Anya spent more time with me than any of my prior girlfriends did, and they were free to love me at any time, and even free from a marriage and the responsibility of raising two teenage kids. Anya¡¯s love for me spoke loudly about her disdain for Jackson¡¯s dishonor of her and their marriage. Since she initiated our relationship and I only pushed her to listen to herself, and rightfully so, I could only see the goodness of our love. If I could never see that, I would¡¯ve not only easily declined her invitation, but also initiated the end of our relationship.
After I booked my hotel room for the upcoming Saturday night, I breezed through the rest of the work day and caught up on all my engagements much to the delight of Jerry. As the day continued, Anya sent me a text to ensure it continued to progress in the right direction.
ANYA: ¡°Can¡¯t wait to wear my thingie with you.¡±
Anya¡¯s consistency, her continued show of love with zero mixed feelings, kept my emotions completely in check, where they needed to be. Like an astronaut who planned to step on the moon without a spacesuit, it was impossible to fake this kind of love. Over the last few days, our relationship experienced a rebirth. All the elements essential for us to make it, and even a wedding she dreamt of I died to know the details of, were there. This text could only come from a woman not only loved me wholly and completely, but felt absolutely safe with me. A woman who valued and appreciated the rare and splendid beauty of our love as much as I did. It¡¯s why she could never quit me, and why it would be criminal for me to ever quit her. She needed this love in her life, and I felt blessed to be the one who made her feel this safe. I just wanted the chance to do it for the rest of her lifetime and beyond.
The very moment I entered my apartment after work, Anya sent me a text.
ANYA: ¡°Better say goodnight. Sorry, I forgot to describe the wedding. I will tell you tom. Xoxo.¡±
Goodnight texts, indifferent to people in different everyday situations, were significant in this one. As simple the gesture, her goodnight texts at this time were like Valium as I knew where her head may not lie, but where her heart did. I then imagined her in my arms, with her necklace on in San Diego, and the next thing I knew, I was awoken by an alarm clock at six.
The next day, the tenth one in March was a day of significance; my mother¡¯s sixty second birthday. After all she endured with her latest bout with Cancer, this birthday was very special. My mother battled Cancer now for twenty two years, but her current battle struck me hard how much I took her previous birthdays for granted. How each of those years that passed, only my mother knew how precious they truly were, and the gratefulness she had for them. When I realized how all those years were special for her, and not just this one, I felt ashamed for not recognizing how much her prior birthdays meant until now. Something about her battle this time around though had a different feel because it was harder to hide from me. I remembered her excitement while on the drug Femarra, an alternative to chemo and something she never wanted to be on. Now she was on chemo for life, and as much as she believed in God, it had to break her spirit a bit when she revealed it to me, the one she always tried to hide her battle from. For the first time on her birthday, I wondered how many more I had to celebrate with her.
That evening, I planned to drive to my parent¡¯s house after work to wish my mother a happy birthday in person as the day got off to a great start for me when Anya made good on a promise.
ANYA: ¡°It was small and intimate. Outside garden. I only saw green. No church. It was towards the end of the wedding. Our families were there with our close friends. You looked very handsome in your tux and I had a simple long dress, strapless. We were very happy but no details of the wedding itself. Your mom was happy. They all stood around at the end of the wedding and asked us why we couldn¡¯t move in together. Well you know the rest. That¡¯s all. Don¡¯t remember everything.¡±
ME: ¡°The only thing simple about your description of you in a ¡°simple long strapless dress¡± is that you¡¯re simply the most beautiful bride a man could ever lay his eyes upon. Even though it¡¯s only a dream, I¡¯m sure I cried when I saw you. I couldn¡¯t imagine being any happier in life about anything. I love your dream. Thank you for sharing.¡±
ANYA: ¡°I think reading about Bella getting married to Edward, wanting to be with you plus receiving a thingie from you prompted the dream.¡±
ME: ¡°I¡¯m one lucky man to be in a dream like that of yours.¡±
ANYA: ¡°It was a happy dream. It was strange b/c although we couldn¡¯t move in together, we were very happy.¡±
ME: ¡°I think we¡¯d be happy just knowing we could love each other freely. It didn¡¯t need to be perfect because we¡¯re already perfect for each other. I couldn¡¯t imagine life being any more perfect than having you in it forever anyway. I know it¡¯s only a dream but it makes me very happy. Thank you for sharing.¡±
ANYA: ¡°You¡¯re welcome! I¡¯m excited about Sat!¡±
ME: ¡°I haven¡¯t stopped thinking about Sat since you told me about it!¡±
Her description of the wedding, second in beauty to her, gave me so much life and melted my heart at the same time. Even though It was only a dream, it inspired me to have another productive work day as I was back in front of the work I fell behind on. To have someone dream of a wedding with you, when you loved them so much, didn¡¯t have to be real to feel real. When my lunch hour arrived, I messaged Anya to see how her day was going.
ANYA: ¡°I¡¯m good. Morning was thrown off so just trying to get sorted for the day. What time do you work till on Sat? I feel bad you have to drive to SD after a long day.¡±
ME: ¡°Babe, I want to drive to SD especially after a long day if I get to see you! Just knowing I get to see you makes the work day that much better. It honestly doesn¡¯t feel like work at all. My biggest problem will be slower than ever moving clock I have to deal with! I¡¯ll drive straight from work when I get off at 4. What are you doing this afternoon?¡±
ANYA: ¡°Well I¡¯m having lunch w/our CFO¡¯s wife today. She¡¯s been feeling nervous about the economy and I think she¡¯s nervous about her husband¡¯s job.¡±
ME: ¡°Oh, I see.¡±
ANYA: ¡°Of course, I can¡¯t say anything for I don¡¯t even know. I¡¯m trying to keep our communication open and comfort her so he doesn¡¯t jump ship. Could be a long lunch.¡±
I wondered if this was something Jackson asked her to do as I sensed his fear to lose their CFO amid all the layoffs he administered due to the economic downturn. The housing market nosedived throughout California as many new construction projects grinded to a halt. The supply was there, but demand dried up when the stock market took a tumble as overzealous contactors overestimated economic growth. Jackson¡¯s Company, Caiaphas Property Group, did well enough over the years to sustain itself against a recession, however his layoffs suggested he planned to take little chances. As most people lost their jobs elsewhere due to the recent economic downturn, the CFO appeared to see the forest before the trees. Why wouldn¡¯t Jackson just offer the CFO his assurances rather than have Anya handle his political posturing? Anything she did for Jackson, even a lunch with his CFO¡¯s wife, just didn¡¯t feel good, but a Saturday night in San Diego made it tolerable. She then elaborated on something else she planned for him.
ANYA: ¡°We¡¯re also having a symposium. I have to find the time today to somehow start planning for it.¡±
When she mentioned the symposium, my heartbeat increased as if she had just walked inside my office. I wanted to know the date, but how could I ask her without sounding like it was something I needed to know?
ME: ¡°I guess it¡¯s safe to say you don¡¯t have a date planned for that event yet!¡±
ANYA: ¡°Ha! Well, not really but we¡¯re thinking some time either at the end of March or April.¡±
The best way to get that info was through a statement rather than a question, but there was one other bit of information I desperately needed to know, much more than the date.
ME: ¡°Are these symposiums something you usually attend?¡±
ANYA: ¡°I usually don¡¯t attend them, but I might be needed for this one because of the layoffs.¡±
I now knew no further what to do than I did before I asked her. All I knew were two things; I had to be at the symposium and I could be set back emotionally if I saw her there by his side. This really left me with no choice now but to tell her I knew her husband. How fair would it be to catch her off guard at the event? She almost had a coronary when I showed up at the movies after told I her ¡°no thanks¡± then changed my mind. Although it made me feel dishonest that I never revealed that I knew her husband, she never told me about his prominence that would have given me more insight into why she never left him. That she should have told me who and what she was married to, and not just that she was married. So maybe there was some justice in not letting her know and a lesson in it for her? Regardless, it didn¡¯t make me feel any better. As I drove to my parent¡¯s house, these thoughts bounced back and forth inside my head, but rather than remain uncertain about what to do, I decided it was best to just let the right place, and time, naturally make the decision for me.
When I arrived at my destination, and as I came to the back door, the shade wasn¡¯t drawn and my mother wasn¡¯t there. I kept my hand on the doorknob before I turned it as I revisited the dream I had for a few seconds. As I swung the door open, the voices from both of my parents filled the air. As I walked into the kitchen, they sat at the dinner table together, a scene I hadn¡¯t witnessed since I moved out several years ago. When my mother saw me she jumped out of her chair, then walked gingerly to hug me. I wished her a happy birthday, kissed her on the top of her bald head and handed her the DVD I held. I then said hello to my dad, who continued to sit and gave him a pat on the back before I took a chair at the table.
¡°Oh my God!¡± she said as she fanned herself. ¡°¡°Everybody Loves Raymond¡±!¡±
¡°It¡¯s the entire first season.¡± I exclaimed. ¡°Please sit down, and I¡¯ll put it inside your room.¡±
My mom just nodded and continued fan her hands to her mouth as she appeared to have eaten something hot or spicy.
¡°Did you eat a pepperoncini in your salad, Mom?¡± I asked.
¡°No.¡± she said as she tried to compose herself. ¡°There¡¯s no pepperonconis.¡±
¡°Are there chili peppers in your salad?¡± I asked.
¡°It¡¯s the sores in my mouth from the chemo.¡± she said. ¡°It¡¯s hard for me to eat anything right now.¡±
¡°Oh.¡± I said.
¡°She can eat but sometimes it burns her mouth.¡± elaborated my Father. ¡°Are you okay, Mom?¡±
¡°I¡¯m fine, Dad¡± she said as she gulped some water down.
My mother always referred to my father as ¡°Dad¡± and my Father referred to my mother as ¡°Mom¡±. It was just something they always did since I was a child. It used to bother me when I grew older just because it felt as if they didn¡¯t acknowledge I had grown up. Now though, they probably used it to bring back memories when life was easier, before chemo treatments that would never cease. I didn¡¯t know much about the side effects of chemotherapy, other than I knew it made people nauseous and their hair fell out, but now I was introduced to another; mouth sores that stole my mother¡¯s ability to enjoy a simple salad. As if the news of her cancer wasn¡¯t bad enough to deal with, after she lost a breast and her hair, now she lost one of life¡¯s simplest of pleasures; a good meal. After I dropped off the DVD in her room. I sat at the table with her and my father as my mother finished her salad with little trouble. My mother asked me if I wanted to eat with them, but with her Cancer on my mind, I lost my appetite for a meal. My father then brought out a small chocolate frosted birthday cake and we sang my mother happy birthday before we each had a piece. After we were done, I washed the dishes as my father had to return to work at the park as he had to finish his shift. My mother then headed to her room to watch the very first episode of ¡°Everybody Loves Raymond¡± and I joined her after I put the dishes away.
As I took my usual seat in her faded pink recliner and she sat on her bed, my dream the other night about my mother and this new side effect of chemotherapy clashed while we viewed her birthday gift on her television. Here it was her birthday, she loved God so much, yet she couldn¡¯t enjoy it. She should have enjoyed this day but something told me this day brought more fear and sadness than joy. It made me mad, and I couldn¡¯t blame no one but God for his reward for her loyalty. God¡¯s failure to love my mother upset me so much I fell silent, afraid to upset her, and make it an even worse day for her than it already was. She then took notice as I remained silent even during a funny sitcom.
¡°How is she?¡± she asked.
¡°What?¡± I asked.
¡°How is Anya?¡± she asked.
¡°Oh, she¡¯s fine.¡± I said. ¡°She¡¯s doing really good, actually.¡±
¡°Does she know about my Cancer? Did you tell her?¡±
¡°She does. I did.¡± I said. ¡°It¡¯s a lot for me to process and she¡¯s a licensed nurse.¡±
¡°She is? I thought she only worked for her husband?¡±
¡°She was a licensed nurse before she got married. She does only work for her husband right now though.¡± I said. ¡°I confided in her because she¡¯s been around cancer patients before as a nurse and it helps me to understand what you¡¯re going through. She¡¯s really been there for me.¡±
¡°I bet she worried.¡± she asked.
¡°She asks me about you every day. Always wanting to know how you¡¯re doing.¡± I said. ¡°She even told me she wished she could meet you and help out.¡±
¡°She really said that?¡± my mother asked as her eyes widened.
¡°She did.¡± I said. ¡°But of course, she can¡¯t, you know¡¡±
¡°She¡¯s a sweetheart.¡±
¡°She has a beautiful heart.¡± I said. ¡°I could never be with her if she didn¡¯t.¡±
¡°Does she know that I know who she is?¡±
¡°I haven¡¯t told her yet.¡±
¡°It would be nice to meet her one day.¡± she said. ¡°but I understand what she¡¯s going through at home.¡±
¡°I would love for her to meet you.¡± I said as I feared the indifference of time. ¡°Things have been really hard on her lately though. A lot harder than it usually is.¡±
¡°Did something happen?¡± she asked.
¡°Almost a month ago, she found an essay her daughter wrote for her English class on her computer. She ¡°FedExed¡± it to me along with a letter she wrote. I received it the next day.¡±
¡°She must have really wanted to get it to you as soon as possible. What did it say?¡±
¡°Her daughter wrote in her essay that she overheard ¡°her mom threaten her dad¡± with divorce.¡± I said.
¡°Oh my god.¡±
¡°And her daughter blamed herself for it. She blamed herself for all the problems her parents were having because she thought they were upset with her about her grades.¡±
¡°That must have been so heartbreaking for her to read.¡± she said. ¡°As a mother, I couldn¡¯t imagine how horrified she was just coming across it let alone if her daughter turned the essay in to her teacher.¡±
¡°Thanks for that, mom. I want to see that side of it but the love I have for her is so deep, I¡¯m afraid to lose her and I can¡¯t see the mother side of things, not because I don¡¯t want to but because I¡¯ve grown dependent on her in my life.¡±
¡°Her kids are always going to be number one, Landy. You knew that going in.¡± she said. ¡°Any time her kids struggle it¡¯s going to break her heart in a million pieces, and you have to be prepared for her to do what¡¯s best for them.¡±
¡°I fine with being number three, after her son and daughter, and I would never put myself above them, but she matters too.¡± I said. ¡°I saw the essay through a spouse¡¯s eyes, not through the eyes of a mother. I¡¯m not saying I don¡¯t understand her feelings towards it, I¡¯m just saying I saw it in a different light.¡±
¡°How so?¡±
¡°I felt her daughter¡¯s essay revealed how the marriage hurts the kids.¡± I said. ¡°I understand a mother¡¯s love but I felt she overreacted. There are women who stay for the kids for good reason, who make sacrifices for the right reasons, but I don¡¯t see the right in her reason to stay.¡±
¡°What do you want her to do?¡±
¡°I want her to be an honest person.¡± I said. ¡°I want her to no longer deceive her kids so they can go to bed at night knowing they aren¡¯t to blame for anything.¡±
¡°What if they blame you?¡± she said. ¡°I hope you¡¯re prepared for that, because that¡¯s what they¡¯ll do.¡±
¡°I¡¯d rather them blame me than her or themselves.¡± I said. ¡°Why allow them go to bed at night with that burden on their minds? After all we¡¯ve shared, and to know she has a man in her life who would be there for her every step of the way. I don¡¯t understand how she could choose a lie over the truth anymore.¡±
¡°It can¡¯t be easy for at home right now.¡± she said.
¡°I think she is beginning to realize what I¡¯ve already known.¡± I said. ¡°There¡¯s something else in play here. I don¡¯t know if this is a sign or not, but one of the girls he cheated with, her son plays on the same baseball team as her son. I mean¡this happened at almost the same time she found her daughter¡¯s essay. I can¡¯t see any coincidence in it. It brought back a lot of emotions and hopefully the reason I¡¯m in her life is clearer to her now. It¡¯s literally right in her face every day.¡±
¡°Sounds like God may be working behind the scenes.¡±
¡°Or something is working behind the scenes.¡± I said. ¡°We¡¯re made from stardust, you know.¡±
¡°Can I ask you a hypological question?¡± she asked abruptly.
¡°You mean a hypothetical question?¡±
¡°Yeah, I¡¯ll ask you that kind of question too. I¡¯ll cover both.¡±
¡°I can¡¯t wait to hear this.¡± I said through a laugh.
¡°If you met God on the day you died, and he judged you based on all you just shared with me, how would you respond?¡±
¡°Okay, so the hypothetical question is what if God actually exists.¡±
¡°No, the hypothetical question is if on the day you died you met God, not if he doesn¡¯t exist. Capesh?¡±
¡°Alright, well then would you agree with me that God, if He exists, that his entire existence is predicated on love? And that he stands for love more than anything else?¡± I asked.
¡°Of course. God is love.¡± she said.
¡°If that is true, then I would respond to him with a question.¡±
¡°You would respond to your savior, who asked you a question, with a question?¡±
¡°Yes.¡± I said. ¡°Because I would need an explanation only he could provide.¡±
¡°What¡¯s the question?¡± she asked as she folded her arms as if she were God, but in his striped pajamas.
¡°Isn¡¯t it better to have two people in love rather than two people not in love? What good could two people, no longer in love because of broken vows, ever do for the world? And If my love for Anya, and her love for me, caused her husband to actually fall in love with someone else, how could four people truly in love ever be a bad thing?¡± I stated. ¡°Please forgive me for I only followed my heart and was not out for pleasure. I truly loved this woman, and I wanted to see her in a better place. I believed if she were happy, it would be reflected upon others. Her kids actually believed the most loving person in this world, their own mother, was unloving; only the devil could create that kind of deception. I opened up the part of her heart that locked away all the love inside of her, and if God is love, how could that ever be wrong in any situation, especially an earthly one where the devil roams free? Knowing we are made of your image, and love should be the ultimate goal, I saw an opportunity to love someone in pain, and to be loved by them so I took a chance. If that¡¯s a sin, then I¡¯ll take my soul¡¯s fate, but I acted only for the sake and beauty of love.¡±
¡°Do you know what my dying wish is for you?¡± she asked.
¡°No.¡±
¡°That you¡¯ll find God.¡± she said.
I nodded in reluctance but she asked for the impossible at a time I questioned him more than ever.
¡°He¡¯s going to have to explain your Cancer to me.¡± I said. ¡°Because I don¡¯t understand it.¡±
¡°Am I so special Landy that I can¡¯t get Cancer?¡± she said. ¡°God doesn¡¯t work that way.¡±
¡°Well, I think he needs to find a better way of going about his work.¡± I said. ¡°If he wants me to believe in him, he¡¯s definitely made it clear he doesn¡¯t love me at all.¡±
¡°You couldn¡¯t be more wrong about anything in your life, Landy.¡± she said. ¡°You have no idea how wrong you are about that.¡±
God was where she drew her strength from while the only thing I could draw from God was my ire. I never followed with a rebuttal to what she told me, but how could he ever allow my wonderful mother to suffer so much? My mother¡¯s dying wish made disheartened me greatly, because I knew I could never make it come true for her. Not after I now knew what his ¡°love¡± was like. I couldn¡¯t even have the one I loved, who also loved me. How could I possibly put any faith in his love for me? I also didn¡¯t want Cancer as apparently that was your reward for loving him. Coincidences existed. The Universe existed. God did not. And if He did exist, regardless of what my mother told me, if I couldn¡¯t have the simplest thing that everyone else seemed to have, love, then He could never exist in my heart, even if He did.
To stymie the conversation we had about God, I showed my mother a picture of the necklace I got for Anya. Her eyes seemed to pop out of her head when she saw it.
¡°Oh my God, Landy. That is very nice.¡± she said. ¡°I love it. It¡¯s so pretty. I don¡¯t even have something that nice to wear.¡±
¡°Do you think it¡¯s too nice? I wanted her to have something nice but also something simple. I wanted her to be able to wear it around without her husband suspecting anything.¡±
¡°I guess if she hides it under her shirt.¡±
¡°Really? You think it¡¯s too showy?¡±
¡°I don¡¯t know Honey. I don¡¯t have any jewelry anymore.¡± she said. ¡°Not since they robbed us and took our wedding rings, and every other piece of jewelry your father ever bought for me, and I bought for myself.¡±
¡°I guess I was too young to realize how important those things are.¡± I said as I remembered the day our house was broken into years ago.
As I steered clear of our conversation about God, only to stumble into another mudhole, I decided it was best cut our misery off and to say goodnight. On the way home, I thought of my mother¡¯s misfortunes in life. She lost her best friend when she was sixteen in an auto accident. She sacrificed her education, and had to quit school before she got to high school to take care of her father so her mother could work to support them. At nineteen, she then had to watch her strong father, her hero and protector become so frail, she was stronger than him when he died. Due to living poor, in her thirties she lost her top front teeth and had to wear fake ones. She then got Cancer, lost a breast, then lost her own mother to cancer, then lost her hair, and lost the ability to be chemo free, yet she not only still believed God existed, but that he loved her. That He blessed her in this life. I just couldn¡¯t get it out of my mind how much He fucked her over. Yet, I left the house on this night with an extreme sense of guilt. That I couldn¡¯t give my mother her dying wish. That I whined about any of my personal problems. That I made her worry when I would come home drunk after a night out. That I couldn¡¯t find a single good reason to believe in God. That I never thought to buy her a necklace for her birthday instead of a DVD. I blamed God for it all. I believed the Bible was a good book, and a moral way to live life, but God couldn¡¯t exist because of all he allowed my mother to endure. Yet, here was Jackson Caiaphas, the bastard had everything a man could ever want on this earth. Success, beautiful wife and two great kids. Why would God love a man who cheated on his wife, and by doing so his children as well, several times, and allow my mother to go through all she did, if He truly existed? If He did, how could he let this happen? As disgust consumed me on the way home, thankfully, the only good thing that ever happened in my life had texted me, and when I pulled into the driveway, I responded.
ANYA: ¡°How was your moms? How is she?¡±
ME: ¡°It was nice. We had cake and hung out for a bit. Her chemo treatments have been really hard on her. She¡¯s going through a lot, babe. More than I realized.¡±
ANYA: ¡°It can¡¯t be easy for you either. Wish I could support freely. I love you.¡±
ME: ¡°Thank you. It¡¯s definitely weighing on my mind for sure. I love you too.¡±
My mother¡¯s dying wish was for me to believe in God. How could I believe in Him when I felt betrayed by Him? God and Judas were synonymous. He was on a mission to steal my mother away from me. How could I ever trust him even if I believed in Him? He had to give me something to trust in, and to take my mother¡¯s life would never allow us to start off on the right foot. I already felt betrayed by Him in more ways than one. When Denise left me, I grew so tired of losing women I wanted to be with, I raged against Him. If he had no intention of being fair and just with me, then why not have the balls to just kill me? The Jackson Caiaphases of the world are living heaven on earth, while they are cheating on their wives, yet the good, loyal and trustworthy men were not worthy of the love they desired, but instead only deserved loneliness? Give me something to believe in, then pass judgment upon me, but if you don¡¯t plan to do that, why don¡¯t you just take my life from me for good, since you basically already have? You cursed me from the womb, so why not act godly for once, and finish the job already? I just couldn¡¯t believe God had brainwashed my mother so terribly that she thought I was wrong about everything. I wasn¡¯t going to argue with her though as I didn¡¯t want to attack her coping mechanisms, but the only thing I could trust in were the Sun, the moon and the stars because at least they were there for me.
The next day, I heard very little from Anya, but when I did, she touched me afar each time.
ANYA: ¡°Even if I don¡¯t have my thingie on, I still look at it and touch it every day.¡±
ME: ¡°It means everything to me that you have it, even if you can¡¯t wear it somedays. How¡¯s your day going so far?¡±
ANYA: ¡°Good, except dreading the baseball game.¡±
ME: ¡°I¡¯m sorry you have to dread anything. Breaks my heart.¡±
ANYA: ¡°I know. Thank u. It¡¯s hard.¡±
ME: ¡°Don¡¯t pay attention to her babe. If she wants to glare at you and act like a child, let her. All that matters is yours. Andrew. Don¡¯t let her get under your skin babe. It¡¯s what she wants so don¡¯t let her do it. Nothing can change the past anyway. Just enjoy being there to watch your son. It¡¯s what Andrew would want, babe. And if it ever gets too hard, you know I¡¯m always here for you.¡±
ANYA: ¡°Thank you. Ur my angel.¡±
ME: ¡°Ur my angel too. You don¡¯t deserve this. I wish I could be there with you. I love you.¡±
ANYA: ¡°I wish that too babe. I love you.¡±
ME: ¡°Just think about your dream and the garden we got married in, all that green.¡±
ANYA: ¡°Ok baby I will. I love u.¡±
When Anya reached out about the way she was feeling, she allowed me to be there for her as it only gave us another reason why we should be together. It also helped me trust her love for me because if she chose to go through this alone, I would fear she had something to hide from me. The fact she was open and honest about only added to fulfill our hopes, wishes and dreams one day. The more she shared with me, it also helped me to trust her anger at the games only existed because she didn¡¯t leave Jackson years ago, and not because she still harbored feelings for him. Anya could hate this woman all she wanted, but it was a bit misdirected since this wasn¡¯t Jackson¡¯s first time being unfaithful to her. I didn¡¯t believe all people, who cheated on their spouses, never felt genuine remorse, but most were usually only sorry when they got caught. I knew this woman treated her badly after Anya told her husband, but when you¡¯re cheating on your spouse and you¡¯re running around with another woman¡¯s husband, you have to be ready to suffer the consequences if you¡¯re caught. If you¡¯re going to play with the emotions of others, you better be ready to pay the price when your party at the expense of others comes to an end. For Jackson to be upset at me, in any way, while he had no problem running around with another man¡¯s wife, not only gave me all the justification for loving Anya as I came in the name of karma, but it also proved he had to be the biggest hypocrite on the face of the planet. Another reason, I despised politicians and bi partisan politics of any kind because of people like Jackson and the hypocrisy evident on both sides. I began to now feel Anya¡¯s disdain for this woman didn¡¯t exist because of the bad things she said about her years ago, but rather for the fact this woman seemed free, while Anya remained captive in her own prison.
The next morning, I reached out to see how the game went as I hoped my words were helpful.
ANYA: ¡°OK. Not happy I have to put up with it the whole season. Two more days!¡±
It bummed me out to read she planned to ¡°put up with it¡± for the whole season, but the words ¡°two more days¡± saved me from feeling any negative emotions from her response. In the afternoon, I texted Anya to inform her I planned to arrive in San Diego at about nine on Saturday night and I was really excited to see her. I received a response an hour later.
ANYA: ¡°Sorry getting my hair done. Me too! FYI I¡¯ll be in my workout clothes. Going to tell Katie ¡°I was at the gym¡± in case she calls me while I¡¯m gone. R u going to see your mom first? Why r u going down so late? Just curious?¡±
When I read her ¡°I was at the gym¡±, I felt hesitant about our plans to see each other. Although I wanted to see her so badly, I couldn¡¯t help but feel I put her in the position to lie to her daughter. I then reasoned; hasn¡¯t she been doing that since Lance awakened her heart? I didn¡¯t want her to compromise their mother daughter bond over a few hours together in San Diego, when we could always see each other at a safer time. What if Katie inadvertently saw us together at the hotel after she was just told her mother was at the gym? It would break my heart as much as Anya leaving me, as they would be one and the same. In the end, even if I didn¡¯t get to hang with Anya at all, it wouldn¡¯t be a bad thing for both Anya and Katie to have a man there in case anything happened to them. I could at least be there to make sure they were safe. If anything were to happen to Anya, and Katie, it would happen to me too.
This story has been stolen from Royal Road. If you read it on Amazon, please report it
ME: ¡°Not going to visit my mom. I figured I couldn¡¯t see you until late, so no real need to go down early.¡±
ANYA: ¡°Oh well u could always take advantage of the area and walk around or grab dinner? I just don¡¯t want you to think you have to check in late. Katie doesn¡¯t know you.¡±
I couldn¡¯t help but wish Katie did know me since I knew her better than any other man. I wish I knew her so I could at least explain to her how much I loved and cared about her mom and how we both didn¡¯t want to hurt her. As much as I was Anya¡¯s hero, I was just as much the villain to Katie. I was the one who truly loved and cared about her mother, who was even loyal to her in my dreams, the one who respected and admired her for all the right reasons, the one who gave her mom happiness, yet I was the bad guy. Not her father who cheated on her mother without a single regard for anyone but himself, but the man who would take a bullet for her mother was the demon. I wouldn¡¯t have wanted her to hate her father at all, because Jackson loved his kids, but to know in their eyes, I was no better than a murderer, was the toughest thing to know, and there was no getting around it. Katie¡¯s feelings mattered more than mine, and they should. I never held that against Anya at all. Her relationship with her kids was as important to me as her relationship with me was. I couldn¡¯t ignore I inspired Anya to lie to her, as I even started to feel guilty when Anya wrote she couldn¡¯t quit me and asked me to quit her. As I revisited her request in the letter, it broke my heart as I had second thoughts about meeting up with her.
ANYA: ¡°I¡¯ll take a bottle. Maybe we can share some wine if it¡¯s not too late.
ME: ¡°That sounds like fun, babe.¡±
When mentioned ¡°I¡¯ll take a bottle¡±, I realized she was the one who asked me if I wanted to come down. I never asked her nor did I ever initiate most, if not all of our meetings. I truly loved and cared about Katie¡¯s mother. I wasn¡¯t going down there for sex, but only so that two hearts could beat as one for maybe an hour or two, so I decided to go through with the plans.
I promised I¡¯d share some of my fantasies I had over a bottle of wine with her as I knew a bottle of wine would open me up to her about them. I wanted to tell her all of my fantasies, but I also didn¡¯t want to fall short of her expectations when I did. I told her my fantasies involved water and lotion, as anything that made her immaculate tan skin glisten would drive me over the edge with desire for her. If these fantasies of mine came to fruition however, especially after a half bottle of wine, my desire for her couldn¡¯t be bottled up. I didn¡¯t want her to have to take the morning after pill again or put her in position to hurt her kids, because if anything could hurt them, her being pregnant with another man¡¯s child, would. They would hate her. They would hate me. We would be absolutely doomed from the start, and rightfully so. It would send the wrong message to them, especially when they would need to see the beauty in our love so they could have it one day too, minus the situation Anya and I were in. I thought it would be fun and safer to share one over text with her instead as she seemed to be open to it.
ANYA: ¡°That¡¯s why you want to take a shower with me! Hot, wet, slippery¡¡±
ME: ¡°What heterosexual man in their right mind wouldn¡¯t want to take a shower with you? I guarantee one thing. When you stepped out you of that shower, you will be super clean! Then I would dry you off, and give you a skin lotion massage in bed.¡±
ANYA: ¡°I would love for you to rub lotion on me!¡±
Anya then went into great sensual detail on how I would apply the lotion to her with a concentration on her inner thighs, to the point it drove her so crazy with desire, she¡¯d beg for my hands to satisfy her, but instead I¡¯d hold out longer to tease her, so it would drive her beyond wild. The truth was, even though I wanted to experience every single one of my fantasies with her, I wanted to experience them with her without restraint. I wanted to know she belonged to me afterwards and to no one else. If I experienced my fantasies with her before she left Jackson, would she have an incentive to ever leave him? If anything, her encouragement to share my fantasies with her should only prove how much not only I deserved, but we both deserved, a promise.
ANYA: ¡°Ahhhhhh I¡¯m totally turned on now! I¡¯m going to have to play now!¡±
ME: ¡°I wish I could join you!¡±
ANYA: ¡°Ha! Mmmmm!¡±
Sex was a major part of any relationship that could stand the test of time. I enjoyed it, but if it dominated our relationship, it would cheapen all we found in each other. Sex was the end all, be all, for Jackson, but for me, it wasn¡¯t ¡°all¡± at all. I respected its intimate nature, more than its primal one. As hard as this was for me to imagine now, sex clearly dominated Jackson¡¯s decision to marry her. As attractive as Anya was now at forty, it¡¯s hard to believe she looked even better ten or fifteen years ago, as time would naturally suggest. Jackson never thought with the head on his shoulders thought, as she even admitted he should have married a stripper and she should have married a professor, so I wanted Anya to know I did. That there was so much more to her than that. If she thought sex was all I could provide her, then this couldn¡¯t be love she felt; another reason I kept my fantasies tucked away. Why I hadn¡¯t shared them with her ran a little deeper than that for me though. Denise and I were intimate from the very start, and then puttered out into nothing. If that happened here, after fifteen months of the greatest happiness ever gifted to me by another human being, I¡¯d be even more devastated than from just a lack of a promise. In actuality, I fulfilled one fantasy with her already on a stumbled upon paradise we called our beach, and my heart couldn¡¯t handle those kinds of intimate moments anymore unless she truly belonged to me. I just felt too much now and another one had the power to push me over the edge of forever.
Later that evening when I got home, Anya sent me a text.
ANYA: ¡°Hope your mom is ok. 3rd week.¡±
ME: ¡°Thanks babe. Very sweet of you to remember. She¡¯s ok. What r u up to?¡±
ANYA: ¡°I¡¯m glad. Activities and making dinner. R u going to text me your thoughts later?¡±
ME: ¡°Did you want me to? You¡¯re not going to be busy?¡±
ANYA: ¡°No unless you want to wait till Sat.¡±
ME: ¡°I¡¯ll tell you tonight, babe.¡±
ANYA: ¡°Ok!¡±
There was one thing I never experienced in my thirty-eight years on earth. I wanted to tell Anya about it, but some women didn¡¯t like to do that sort of thing. Well, I at least knew Sara didn¡¯t. Before I met Anya, I could¡¯ve cared less to experience it at all, but I think it¡¯s one of those things that are turn-ons with the right people. I read a book on how to perform it well as I wanted to experience it with her since we reconnected. It truly was an act reserved for the most intimate of relationships, but I wanted to reciprocate as well. I loved her more than enough and even fantasized doing it with her before we engaged in other shows of affection. How should I bring this up to her though? What if it turned her off? Although Anya seemed open minded, she had some Sara traits and that worried me a bit, but this fantasy dominated my mind since the first time she came over to my place. About an hour later, I held out on Anya a little longer, and when her patience worn itself thin, I knew the time arrived.
ANYA: ¡°Waiting!¡±
ME: ¡°Do you remember the first night you visited me?¡±
ANYA: ¡°Kinda. Which part of the night?¡±
ME: ¡°When we went inside my bedroom and you laid on my bed with me?¡±
ANYA: ¡°When I showed u I was bare?¡±
A part of me was hugely surprised she remembered that part of the night, but I¡¯m glad she did as it made it much easier to reveal what I wanted to experience with her.
ME: ¡°That night when you showed me, I wanted to taste you. It has been one of my fantasies ever since.¡±
ANYA: ¡°Have you ever before?¡±
ME: ¡°Never.¡±
ANYA: ¡°Really? Are you telling me the truth?¡±
ME: ¡°As unfortunate as it is, yes.¡±
ANYA: ¡°Would you like to try?¡±
ME: ¡°I just wanted to let you know one of the things I¡¯d love to do with you. If you don¡¯t mind, can we talk more about it on Sat?¡±
ANYA: ¡°Ok we can talk about it on Sat! I can¡¯t wait! I kinda have to go cuz it looks like 12th trip to the ER for Andrew. Ball to the mouth. Hope he didn¡¯t jack teeth!¡±
ME: ¡°OMG! I¡¯m so sorry babe. I hope he¡¯s ok!¡±
I texted her back an hour later to get an update on Andrew. Thankfully, Andrew didn¡¯t break any teeth so even though the day didn¡¯t end very well, overall it was another consistently good day with Anya.
The next morning, it seemed Anya still reeled in disbelief about what I shared with her.
ANYA: ¡°I was a bit surprised w/all your girlfriends in the past¡¡±
ME: ¡°I¡¯ve only had two ¡°real¡± girlfriends before I met you and to be honest, after all I¡¯ve experienced with you, I don¡¯t even know how I could call them that.¡±
ANYA: ¡°But not even with the ones you had?¡±
ME: ¡°Nope. Never.¡±
ANYA: ¡°Does it gross you out?¡±
ME: ¡°Many years ago it did, but I read about it and realized it¡¯s something I¡¯d enjoy doing with someone I love.¡±
ANYA: ¡°Read about it? That changed your mind?¡±
ME: ¡°Not solely but it opened my mind to it.¡±
ANYA: ¡°I wouldn¡¯t want you to do it if you¡¯re not into it.¡±
ME: ¡°If you didn¡¯t like it or it didn¡¯t turn you on, I wouldn¡¯t do it. Your pleasure means more to me than my own.¡±
ANYA: ¡°R u kidding? It¡¯s my favorite! I love it but I don¡¯t want it to turn you off.¡±
ME: ¡°Anything I do with you could never turn me off, babe. I¡¯m in love with you.¡±
Anya and Katie headed down to San Diego on this morning, and I found it especially hard to concentrate on a Friday than usual in anticipation of Saturday night after her open reception of one of my fantasies. After this day, only one month remained of busy season, my final one not as a partner, with the firm as only good things fill my consciousness.
I asked Anya to let me know when she arrived so I knew her and Katie were safe.
ANYA: ¡°Made it! In our room eating chips! This place is cool! Can¡¯t wait to see you!¡±
The sweet visual of Anya and her daughter as they shared chips in their room, only made me wish I could meet Katie so I could¡¯ve joined them. More than that though, it made me happy to know her and Katie were spending quality time together after she what she found on her computer.
ME: ¡°I¡¯m glad you girls made it safely! Have fun! Enjoy the chips! Can¡¯t wait to see you too!¡±
ANYA: ¡°I hope Katie goes to sleep relatively early tomorrow night cuz I really want a glass of wine with you!¡±
ME: ¡°I just can¡¯t wait to have you in my arms again.¡±
ANYA: ¡°Me too babe. Wearing your thingie. I love you forever!¡±
Unknown to me, a piece of jewelry came with some magic as I couldn¡¯t believe I was so happy even without her in my arms at this moment. The news spoke of a spectacular moon on Saturday night, but I would have something more beautiful to behold instead. I knew Anya couldn¡¯t spend the night with me but this trip was more than worth it. When I returned home from work on this night, I paced the room, unable to concentrate on anything, so I began to write in my journal. I made me anxious to know I had to work the next day, and if today seemed long, it seemed I¡¯d never make it to Saturday night. I thought I would take Anya up on her suggestion to head down there early until she had second thoughts about it.
ANYA: ¡°Ok I don¡¯t know if I want you to come early and hang out anymore. I saw lots of cute hoochies! They might pick you up!¡±
ME: ¡°I¡¯m well past the cute hoochie stage in my life! On the other hand, what about all the handsome swinging men down there? They¡¯ll pitch their mad games to you and next thing you know I¡¯m in the bullpen! I miss u!¡±
ANYA: ¡°Swinging men? Well they¡¯d have to hang w/the hoochies cuz this old lady is beat and going to bed! I miss you too babe. Looking forward to tom!¡±
All I could do at this point was tell her I couldn¡¯t wait as well and wish her a goodnight as I died inside in greater anticipation of the next night, but an hour later, Anya decided to add to the adrenaline I felt.
ANYA: ¡°Good thing you didn¡¯t check in tonight. I¡¯d come over and crash in your arms!¡±
ME: ¡°How I wish I could have you in them right now.¡±
With my anxiousness at a crescendo, I grabbed my small suitcase and started to pack. Even if I had to drive to work from San Diego, I couldn¡¯t allow an opportunity to be with her pass me by. After I packed most of my clothes though, I stopped myself in my tracks; I couldn¡¯t justify it because of Katie. If Anya was by herself, I could leave at this minute, but how could I put Katie¡¯s mother in another position to lie to her? If I couldn¡¯t quit her, then I had to at least consider some of the situations I put her in with Katie as it wasn¡¯t right to take advantage of her heightened vulnerability when a part of her also feared it could hurt Katie. I felt secure in Anya¡¯s love for me by her invite alone, and I couldn¡¯t allow Anya to compromise her bond with her daughter more than we already did.
From the minute I woke up the following morning, I could have sworn the clock was moved back an hour for daylight savings time. I just seemed hard to believe she¡¯d be in my arms before the day ended as it all seemed surreal. Just before lunch time, steeped in anxiousness, I texted Anya to see how Katie was doing in her competitions and where her room was.
ANYA: ¡°She¡¯s exhausted. I¡¯m on the 8th floor. #822.¡±
ME: ¡°Thanks babe! What are you guys doing after?¡±
ANYA: ¡°Shopping, lunch and Jacuzzi!¡±
ME: ¡°Sounds like fun! Hopefully you won¡¯t get too tired and fall asleep before Katie does tonight! Have a good day! I¡¯ll see you later! I love you!¡±
ANYA: ¡°Haha! I¡¯ll try! Have a good day! Let me know when you¡¯re on your way! I love you!¡±
When another Saturday at work mercifully came to its evil end, I texted Anya to let her know I was on my way. When I arrived at the Island Hotel, I brought my belongings up to my 11th floor room, and then went downstairs to have dinner at the hotel restaurant and bar area. While at the bar, Anya messaged me.
ANYA: ¡°Still driving? We¡¯re still at Remington¡¯s having a great time catching up. I just love her. She needs me.¡±
When I read Anya¡¯s text, it made me happy and sad at the same time. I was truly happy she got to spend time with Katie, but after her letter to me on Valentine¡¯s Day, trauma naturally evaded my sense of safety. Maybe after all she went through with what she found on Katie¡¯s computer, she just wanted to share her feelings with the man who knew her daughter better than any other man, the man she loved. And I couldn¡¯t find any negative emotions within that thought at all.
ME: ¡°I¡¯m actually at the Island Hotel bar having dinner now. That¡¯s so sweet babe. She¡¯s your baby girl, your first born and you do need each other. Don¡¯t rush! Enjoy your time together! I¡¯m on the 11th floor. Room #1130. See you soon!¡±
As I sat by myself at the bar, and also wished I could be with them at Remington¡¯s, the solitude of our relationship hit me hard. After I read her text, I suddenly felt removed from the rest of the world, a spectator now, no longer a participator. I felt jaded that I didn¡¯t have a son or daughter to share time with while we waited to see each other as I wondered why life never allowed me what others seemed to have in abundance. Two women walked in the bar area where I sat, both in short dresses, and with open toe heels. Although I pretended not to notice, I could see them looking in my direction as their body language suggested they wanted me to talk to them. Before I met Anya, I doubt they would have even looked my way, but my aloofness around other women made me somewhat desirable. Even if I wanted to talk to them, I was no longer the same man before I met Anya, as my whole idea of the ideal woman changed forever for me. If I hadn¡¯t met Anya, I would¡¯ve probably visited this hotel once a month and would¡¯ve even dragged Mitch with me, but I no longer had the same heart and mind; replaced by an advanced version of both as I realized for the first time a huge schism existed between the old Landyn Lastman and this new one. How much truly rode on Anya¡¯s love, more than I could¡¯ve imagined. I then lost my appetite as I suddenly realized this was the most important night of my life.
Two hours later, when the clock had crawled to eleven, and I was back in my room with an empty stomach and a slight buzz, the moment I waited for finally arrived.
ANYA: ¡°I¡¯ve had two glasses of wine. You need to catch up with me! I¡¯ll bring a bottle! On my way!¡±
A minute later, I got a light knock on my door, and when I swung it open, I could honestly say I never experienced a purer moment of exuberance. As my heart, my soul, and the only happiness walked in with a drop dead smile she softly crashed into my arms. As I held her, I wanted to savor the far, few and between moment, but I almost forgot to close the door behind us. When I finally broke away to do so, from her purse she presented me with the bottle of Pinot Noir she promised and two plastic wine glasses. I asked her for the bottle and studied it as I knew a little more about wines than I did before I met her. While she poured each of our glasses, I lit each of the three candles I brought. I then inserted a CD I burned for us into the CD player I also brought. I then hit play and Journey¡¯s ¡°Faithfully¡± filled the air.
¡°So, you can catch up.¡± she smiled as she handed me a full wine glass.
She then laid her half way full glass down on the nightstand and crashed upon my bed onto her back.
¡°You must be exhausted.¡± I said.
¡°It¡¯s been a long day.¡± she said as she turned her head to me as I sat down beside her. ¡°Oh my god¡I love Journey.¡±
¡°Me too.¡± I acknowledged as I ran my fingers through her beautiful dark hair. ¡°Did you know Saturday nights are the nights I usually miss you the most?¡±
¡°Really? I didn¡¯t know that.¡± She said with a smirk.
¡°It¡¯s nice to have you with me right now. On a Saturday.¡± I smiled.
At that moment, I stood up and removed my shirt and she sat up on the bed to do the same. I then crawled back into bed, but before she came into my arms, she put her fingers along the necklace I bought her, looked down at it and then up into my eyes and smiled. I then bent over and kissed her breastplate as it lied beautifully along it. I then moved my eyes upwards and into hers as our lips met for the first time on this night. I then moved myself directly above her and began to kiss her neck as she grabbed my arms tightly.
¡°I love your strong arms.¡± she said. ¡°I love it when you manhandle me.¡±
¡°Then it¡¯s your lucky night.¡± I said as I put my right arm underneath her and brought her on top of me in a complete change of position. I then brought her over to the other side of the bed and pulled off her jeans and what lied beneath them. With her eyes closed, she moaned with pleasure and she succumbed to my domination of her. She then left her mouth slightly open and extended her tongue to meet mine as I waited before I met hers with my own. I then pulled away but her moans begged for more as I obliged them once again. I then began to massage her vagina as I held her firmly in one arm and used my other hand to pleasure her as she put her arms behind her head and put her legs outward, as she gave herself completely to me.
¡°Oh yes. Babe. That feels¡so good. She said softly. ¡°I love you.¡±
¡°I love you.¡± I said as I fed her hungry lips once more.
She then began to return the favor, but this was about her as I wanted her to feel better than amazing as it seemed the universe worked in our favor like never before. I moved my lips to her breasts and up to her neck without control as she moaned louder as her nipples stiffened. I then pulled away for a few seconds to watch her squirm in sensual pleasure after I fully manipulated all her senses. She experienced orgasm as she pushed my hand away and turned slowly over on her side away from my hand. I then kissed her on her exposed left shoulder blade and wrapped my arms around her. She then turned to me, out of breath, and kissed me.
¡°You ok?¡± I asked.
¡°Never better.¡± she said breathlessly.
I then kissed her again on her shoulder blade as I let her catch her breath.
¡°Carolyn and Debbie both know we¡¯re intimate.¡± she revealed.
¡°You told them?¡± I asked in surprise.
¡°Yes.¡± she said ¡°You¡¯re not mad at me, are you?¡±
¡°Of course not. Are you kidding? Do you know how flattered I am?¡± I said.
¡°They adore you, babe.¡±
¡°I love them, too.¡± I said.
¡°I need love.¡± she said suddenly.
When she told me this, I almost cried on the spot in front of her. If she needed love, she needed me because it¡¯s what I personified to her. As she laid in my arms, breathless, I knew it had to be true as all she just revealed gave me more hope than ever she would leave Jackson especially when I considered her feelings at the baseball game as the Universe wrote our story without our knowledge.
¡°I think we both do, babe.¡± I said. ¡°Everyone needs love. To feel truly loved. People don¡¯t realize it until they have it. It not only feds the heart but nourishes the soul.¡±
¡°Have I ruined you?¡± she asked abruptly.
Her question was one I didn¡¯t know how to answer, let alone expect. I wanted to tell her the truth; she loved me to ruins. The Landyn Lastman who existed before I met her was now dead, and ruined for anyone else who followed. I would never settle for anything less than her love in every aspect. She loved me well enough to ruin me. Even when she asked me to quit her, if she asked me this question, she had to know she loved me so well, I never could. Without a doubt, I knew I¡¯d never be the same again because of the way she loved me. As the truth laid there to be told, I held on to it, because I feared any negativity during our return to one person, so I denied my very truth.
¡°Even though I¡¯m no longer the same person I was before I met you; no. You didn¡¯t ruin me.¡± I said.
¡°I tried to break up with you many times.¡± she said.
¡°And how many times did that work out for you?¡± I laughed.
¡°Not once.¡± She giggled.
¡°And what are we now?¡± I asked.
¡°Together.¡± she said with her classic smirk as she looked into my eyes.
¡°It¡¯s nice to hear you acknowledge that.¡± I said.
¡°How could I deny it?¡± she said. ¡°I need love, babe.¡±
¡°I know you do.¡± I said. ¡°When you asked me if I would fight for you, and I told you I would, I meant it babe. I hope you know that even when you fight with me, I¡¯m fighting for you, never against you. I only fight for you because I think you need to know you deserve happiness in your life and to feel like you¡¯ve been sentenced to anything less.¡±
¡°Would you take Katie to the convention tomorrow?¡± she asked me.
When Anya told me this, I again almost cried as David Gray¡¯s ¡°This Year¡¯s Love¡± played in the background.
¡°What?¡± I responded in great surprise. ¡°You¡¯re kidding, right?¡±
¡°I¡¯m pooped.¡± she said. ¡°Do you remember this song, babe.¡±
¡°I sure do.¡± I responded ecstatically she remembered. ¡°You burned it for me the night we met after you and the girls watched the runner¡¯s movie. That night it was raining and you gave me the book ¡°Girls are Weirdos but They Small Pretty.¡±
¡°You remember? Do you remember kissing me in the rain?¡±
¡°Of course, I do, it was one of the most romantic nights of my life.¡±
I found it so beautiful how our moments together had a life each their own, and how music and our surroundings added to our love story like finding a missing blue puzzle piece in an all blue puzzle. And we always remembered the same things as they held the same weight to us both. I began to dream of her introduction to Katie and I began to realize why she told me the things she did while they had dinner. Never said as another excuse never to be, but as a promotion of her daughter to me. She didn¡¯t need to though. I read her essay and I loved her to pieces already like a stepfather would if she were his own.
¡°You know I would love to.¡± I said as I dreamt about an introduction. ¡°I would do that in a heartbeat. It would be an honor.¡±
As I waited for her to say she was ¡°just kidding¡±, it never came as she brought her lips into mine as we kissed. I then began to consider this was her third glass of wine and could tell she was a little tipsy, so I didn¡¯t take it seriously however I loved the way the alcohol acted like a truth serum.
¡°Flora called me again!¡± she exclaimed as she slowly pulled away.
¡°Really? When was the last time you spoke with her?¡± I asked.
¡°Oh god, at least six months ago.¡± she said.
¡°What did she have to say?¡±
¡°She wanted to be friends again, but I told her it¡¯s best to not be friends.¡± she said. ¡°We¡¯re better off that way.¡±
¡°You have to do what¡¯s best for you, babe.¡± I said a bit disappointed she couldn¡¯t salvage the friendship.
I respected Flora for leaving her husband. Gross disrespect and unfaithfulness in a marriage, let alone a relationship, should not be tolerated. Flora gave her husband another chance the first time, and the leopard just added more spots. She did the right thing as I wished Anya would follow her lead, but without their friendship, Flora now could never reach her.
¡°Have you ever had phone sex?¡± she asked me as the wine began to increase our temerity.
¡°During my old AOL days, they had these ¡°Love¡± chatrooms I¡¯d visit from time to time. For the most part I just goofed off in them and never took them seriously. It¡¯s too easy to hide behind a computer screen. Anyway, one time I met this girl on there from Michigan, and we talked privately for a few weeks then exchanged phone numbers. I ended up having phone sex with her a few times. She was always game and it was fun at the time, but it got old after a few times. Plus, a good chance existed I was having phone sex with a three hundred pound chick than the girl in the pic she sent me. Nothing beats the real thing.¡±
¡°Would you do it with me?¡± she asked.
¡°Looks like my phone bill is about to go through the roof! I¡¯d love to! Have you ever done it before?¡±
¡°Just a few times.¡± she said. ¡°I love Air Supply!¡±
¡°I never thought I¡¯d like these guys but they were pretty good!¡± I said to acknowledge the song ¡°Making Love Out of Nothing At All¡± that played from my CD player. ¡°It¡¯ll be nice to experience that with someone I love.¡±
¡°Awww¡I can¡¯t wait babe.¡±
¡°And about my fantasy.¡± I said. ¡°I guess I owe you an explanation.¡±
¡°I¡¯m on my period though, babe.¡± she said. ¡°I¡¯d love to experience it with you.¡±
¡°I know babe. I totally understand.¡± I said. ¡°I just wanted to tell you about it in person.¡±
¡°I would love to do it for you.¡± she said. ¡°It¡¯s a real intimate act, and I don¡¯t know.¡±
¡°I know it is, but intercourse is just as intimate. If not more. You can¡¯t get pregnant from having oral sex, I think.¡± I said as I couldn¡¯t believe I just indirectly pitched the idea to her. ¡°I¡¯ve never experienced it before. Do you still do it with your husband?¡±
¡°Never. We both did it years ago for each other, but now I¡¯m afraid to.¡± she said.
I guess I expected to hear, it¡¯s because I don¡¯t love him, Landyn, and not that she was afraid to. My heart wanted to believe it was because she didn¡¯t trust him with other women. My mind interjected though and offered she was only afraid because the kids were around and might walk in on it. Or maybe it was a stupid question to ask on my part, after all she was with me at the moment. To know she still engaged in intercourse with a man she didn¡¯t trust, made it difficult to pin down the true reason for her fear. Our night together in San Diego though, one of magic and happiness, begged me to ignore why she feared to do so.
After I chalked up her fears to her husband¡¯s deceptive ways, I pulled her close to me so I could feel her skin against mine. I then started to play with her hair and massaged her scalp. She then closed her eyes as I brought my hands softly to her neck and shoulders. I then brought my hands along her body as I moved her so she lied on her left side, with her back towards me. As I moved my hands along the side of her body, I took in her sculptured physique as I could tell she put in some time at the gym to look especially good on this night. I knew her body as well as I knew my own. I knew her crevices and curves, where she liked to be touched. As I made my way toward her inner thighs, I pushed her legs down so she laid with her back on the bed. I then started to get close to her most pleasurable area as she licked her lips in anticipation of what was to come. The very second my fingers ran in to satisfy her, the hotel room¡¯s phone began to ring. I stopped cold in my tracks but Anya didn¡¯t seem to mind its interruption. I couldn¡¯t help but think it was Jackson on the other end. That somehow, even under a fake name, he found out we were together. What if it was Katie though, and not Jackson? The only way Katie would know though was if Jackson were with her. I waited for Anya to stop me, to recognize the importance of the sound that disrupted our moment. As she moaned, her eyes opened and she spoke.
¡°I don¡¯t think it¡¯s him.¡± she said. ¡°I don¡¯t care if it is.¡±
After those words were spoken, the ring of the phone came to a halt as I continued on my trek to pleasure her and when I did, she begged for me to kiss her and I obliged as she experienced her second orgasm of the night. After that moment of pleasure, she then came into my arms as Michael Buble¡¯s ¡°You and I¡± as if the Universe provided the soundtrack for our evening. We then faded into the night together as the song hit me hard enough to realize I couldn¡¯t live with her and moment like this, but an hour later we both felt the need for each other again. Before I could bring her in my arms to manhandle her, with nothing but all the love in the world for me within her, she fulfilled a fantasy I wanted to share with only one person, her. The fulfillment of my fantasy felt better than the fantasy itself ever could, as it was experienced with the most beautiful woman in the world in my eyes. When she inhaled all the love, I wondered how she could not make a promise to me now, as she showed another form of her trust and love in and for me, maybe her greatest yet. It was beauty of Anya though. Even though I couldn¡¯t reciprocate, it didn¡¯t matter. The first woman I ever met that gave more than she ever took, an extension of myself. A gentleman never told of his conquests, but these were never conquests for me, but rather only evidence. Evidence of Anya¡¯s love for me as I now felt more than ever, after the ultimate show of her love, she should no longer be married.
Afterwards, I held her in my arms as she fell asleep. When she did, I turned off the music that played as I didn¡¯t want it to wake her up. I stayed awake for an hour after she slept in awe of the beauty I held in arms. In wonder that the universe found me worthy of her when I knew she could¡¯ve easily shared this night with any man she wanted to, even celebrated singers, yet that man was me. I just wanted to look at her, consume all of her beauty, trust and love. As I kissed her on her forehead lightly as not to wake her, I knew I¡¯d take a bullet for her if I had to. That I would go through fire to be with her in heaven, if that¡¯s what I needed to do. I wanted to protect her the way she protected Katie and Andrew. No man would ever hurt the woman I held in my arms ever again. No man would ever disrespect her heart or mind. Never again on my watch. She would live a long healthy life even if I died years sooner from an unhealthy one. As I held her in my arms, I wished time would stand still so this moment could fall into forever.
Anya fell asleep in my arms until nearly six the next morning, as I couldn¡¯t believe we spent over six beautiful hours together. When she awoke, still in my arms, to let me know she had to leave, my head pounded from a surprise hangover as I tried to fight my upset stomach. All I could do was nod as if I were to say a word, I knew I¡¯d vomit right in front of her. Anya removed herself from my arms and quickly gathered her things as it broke my heart that I was too sick to kiss her goodbye after a beautiful night together. When I was unable to explain why I couldn¡¯t, she kissed me on my forehead and left the room almost as under a cloud of doubt about me. As I heard the hotel door slam, I started to sweat profusely as I tried to swallow back the increase in my saliva. I turned over so my face was to the bed, and ten minutes later a cold sweat ran over me as I was able to stop the nausea for the time being. I then immediately texted Anya to let her know what happened as my stomach started in once again. Anya sent me a text asking if she could bring me some Tylenol or Motrin, but I was too incapacitated to read it until I slept
Two hours passed before she sent me another text after the one I failed to respond to.
ANYA: ¡°I hope ur feeling better. I ate a greasy breakfast at CJ¡¯s and it made me feel better.¡±
ME: ¡°I feel so bad. I¡¯m so very sorry babe. I felt like throwing up right when you left and couldn¡¯t kiss you good-bye. It broke my heart in pieces to have you leave like that after such a great time together. I hardly drink anymore and my tolerance is really low right now. I can¡¯t believe I had such a bad hangover.¡±
ANYA: ¡°Thank u for coming down. I had a great time w/u. I loved the candles and the music. Sorry about the hangover.¡±
ME: ¡°I¡¯m sorry I didn¡¯t know my limits, babe. Thank u for an unforgettable night and for fulfilling my fantasy. I didn¡¯t expect that. I loved it! I miss you already.¡±
ANYA: ¡°We can talk about it later but I was surprised to find out that you had never experienced ¡°it¡± before last night. I was equally surprised about phone sex. Wow!¡±
ME: ¡°That was a first or me. Glad it came from the woman I love. Not too proud about my phone sex era but I was in my 20¡¯s.¡±
ANYA: ¡°How often did you have it?¡±
ME: ¡°I would say about 10 or 12 times with the same girl. It was over about a 3 month span.¡±
ANYA: ¡°I want to hear about it. 3 months? That¡¯s a long time! Sounds like it¡¯s an area where u can teach me! Only a few times for me.¡±
ME: ¡°Would love to!¡±
I felt more burdened that our night together came to an end, than the hangover I experienced as her absence overwhelmed me to tears. It broke my heart that I couldn¡¯t kiss her goodbye after she showed me so much love, as if she was nothing to me. It must have seemed to her in some way I was booting her out of my room after a night she gave so much of herself to me. It hurt me greatly just to imagine the slight possibility she thought I wanted her to leave. I loved that woman so much, I felt any emotional pain she did, especially if that pain came from me. One of my greatest fears in life would be to ever disappoint her or break her heart. I just felt I let her down at the end of the night as I hoped she trusted I¡¯d never want to see her leave that way, especially after she gave me so much of herself. What worried me is if she thought I would ever disrespect her like a man would in her past. If she only knew how alive she made me feel every single day to be so close to her. So close, I couldn¡¯t only watch over her as she fell asleep in my arms. How I could never feel right about fallings asleep before she did, not matter how long my day was. It just broke my heart if I had hurt her before she left after all she gave.
I stretched my stay until check out time as my hangover dictated that. At a half hour before check out, I started to pack my things for the long drive home. At around two, when I finally got home, I couldn¡¯t even unpack as I crashed on my bed as the hangover continued to wreak havoc on me. When I woke up three hours later, I had four texts from Anya.
ANYA: ¡°Hope u made it home safe. Kinda hectic getting back. Thank u again for last nite. U r the sweetest to come down for me. I had great fun! I love you forever.¡±
ANYA: ¡°U home yet?¡±
ANYA: ¡°R u ok?¡±
ANYA: ¡°I¡¯m so worried about you. Where are you?¡±
ME: ¡°Hi babe! I¡¯m sooo sorry! I¡¯m ok. I crashed the minute I got home. Still a little hungover but feeling better now. How r u, babe? Ur the sweetest for asking me come down! I loved every minute! Just another time of my life spent with you. I love you forever.¡±
ANYA: ¡°Ok. Glad you¡¯re ok. I¡¯m tired too. It was beautiful. Thank you.¡±
ME: ¡°You looked so gorgeous last night babe. I couldn¡¯t keep my hands off of you. The thingie looked beautiful on you and really turned me on when I saw it. I miss you.¡±
ANYA: ¡°Thank you. I had the best time. I loved being in bed w/u. I wish I belong to you. It felt so natural. I love my thingie. I miss you.¡±
What was just eleven hours ago, now felt like eleven days since I had the most beautiful woman in the world in my arms. I just wanted to replay our night over and over again, as I could still hear the music, see her remarkable beauty and feel her immaculate skin against mine as I missed her so. But I now laid helpless in bed as the fallout of my Pinot hangover made me extraordinarily sad. How could I be deprived of her love after all we shared just hours earlier? I knew how I felt could break her heart, but I couldn¡¯t deny I wanted last night, every night. If I engaged in phone sex with her, would it be a substitute for the night in San Diego? I had phone sex years ago because it could never be real, but if I gave Anya that, how could it ever be real without her next to me? If she wished to belong to me, acts of love over the phone would defeat that very purpose. Her words ¡°I wish I belong to you¡±, hit me square in the gut as the fact remained, she belonged to someone else. A man whose emotionally abusive history towards her, she made me well aware of. To know she belonged to such a man, saddened me even more to know our meeting in San Diego, I looked so forward to, was over, and she now returned home to lie next to a man who dishonored her. Yet the man, who only dreamt of protecting her honor, was the one left alone in bed on this night.
A little later that evening, when Anya connected with me, I could no longer hide how I felt as she sensed it herself.
ANYA: ¡°R u ok?¡±
ME: ¡°I miss you, but I¡¯m ok.¡±
ANYA: ¡°Ok good.¡±
When she texted ¡°Ok good¡±, it just seemed she didn¡¯t feel all I did. I guess I wanted her to tell me ¡°I¡¯m having a hard time¡± so I felt connected to her, but when she didn¡¯t, it almost made it seem like I wasn¡¯t allowed to be sad, and she was just fine going home to lie next to another man, while I died a little more each night lying in bed without her.
ME: ¡°I can be sad you know. I just had one of the, if not, the most memorable night of my life. I¡¯m so in love with you.¡±
ANYA: ¡°I know. I¡¯m kinda sad tonight. I just miss u so much. I want to fall asleep with you every night. I love you.¡±
Although I wanted to her something a little more than ¡°kinda¡± sad, I could also see how she didn¡¯t want to hear how sad I was on this night, and I couldn¡¯t blame her with the kids around. At times, when I felt so alone, it was hard to understand why I had to feel this way.
ME: ¡°I know babe. I love you. I think we¡¯re both just really tired.¡±
ANYA: ¡°I better say goodnight now cuz getting in bed to read. Tired and still a bit hungover.¡±
ME: ¡°U were hungover?¡±
ANYA: ¡°Yes. I had two glasses at dinner.¡±
ME: ¡°When did it come on?¡±
ANYA: ¡°When I got back to the room this morning.¡±
ME: ¡°And you were going to come down and bring me Tylenol or Motrin when you weren¡¯t feeling well? I¡¯m such a wimp. I¡¯m so sorry babe. Did you take anything?¡±
When I learned of her thoughtfulness, it threw me into the stratosphere as I felt like the biggest baby on the planet. It shouldn¡¯t have surprised me though as my mother made me look like a wimp every day the way she handled Cancer.
ANYA: ¡°It¡¯s ok. Tylenol.¡±
ME: ¡°It broke my heart I got sick. I cried.¡±
ANYA: ¡°Seriously? I didn¡¯t think nothing of it! I swear! I just felt bad u were sick.¡±
ME: ¡°I still feel really bad I couldn¡¯t even kiss you goodbye. It broke my heart to see you just leave and not be able to pull you back with my arm. I¡¯m sorry I let you go like that. It was sad the way the night ended.
ANYA: ¡°Don¡¯t be silly! It happens! Like I said I didn¡¯t know I was sick until I got in my room. Felt like shit all day. Feeling better but could use some sleep. Goodnight babe.¡±
ME: ¡°I know but I look forward to our kiss goodbye babe. Made me sad especially after such a beautiful and fun night together. Get some rest Sweetheart, I know you need it. Goodnight.¡±
Overall, it was a beautiful time spent together regardless of our hangovers. I even dreamt about hanging out with Katie at her convention. How fun it would¡¯ve been to get to know her and to show her the kind of man her mom fell in love with. A chance to show her how much I cared about her too. What I wouldn¡¯t have given for just that chance. The chance to prove our love would benefit the kids in the long run. As I laid alone in bed, I dwelled upon her question if she ruined me. Of course she did, and even though I know she didn¡¯t mean to, I also felt it wasn¡¯t a mistake. Whether she did it consciously or not, the pain she felt from Jackson prompted her to love me so well, I couldn¡¯t leave her. I found it hard to believe a part of her didn¡¯t know what she was doing at all. This nly made it harder for me to believe she ever wanted me to quit her as I now fought, believed, hoped and wished like never before.
After San Diego, I felt consumed by impatience, as I felt more than ever a promise should follow, after she fulfilled a fantasy of mine. It made it harder to understand how she could sleep next to another man, let alone remained married to one after she gave a part of herself to me in such a huge way. How could she look her husband in the eye, in the bedroom or at the office, and pretend that never happened? I told her I would love to experience it with her, but never asked her to as she took it upon all she felt for me to do so. I thought a guy would be a pig enough to keep that kind of thing from his wife, but if Anya could do that, it would be an act Jackson would do. I had no plans to pressure her, but it now made it harder for me to understand how she could still be with the man. How she could look him in the eye and continue to deny us? I knew why she had to, but her true guilt should lie in the fact she remained married to someone she should no longer be married to. If she were to stay, after all she experienced with me and after fulfilling such an intimate fantasy of mine, how was she any better than Jackson? With that fear in mind, it left me unsettled and in a greater need for her than ever before as I reached out to her early that Monday morning.
ME: ¡°Good morning! What page are you on now? I¡¯m on page 262! Still feel bad about being sick while you were sick. You were going through the same thing and I couldn¡¯t even help you. I would have taken care of you. I still feel bad about that.¡±
ANYA: ¡°Morning! Pg. 187! Ok u better stop reading now! JK! Babe I didn¡¯t get sick that way. I just felt gross but didn¡¯t throw up. Sorry I worried u.¡±
With more sensitivity than a zero point two on the Richter Scale, I felt Anya¡¯s morning text kind of blew me off as I worried she might treat San Diego like any other time we met. Did she not realize the significance of our time together? She asked me if she ruined me. She even wished I could take her daughter to the convention. She then allowed me to experience a most intimate act with her without reciprocation. I stayed up the whole night not wanting to sleep a wink because I¡¯d lose the time I spent with her. How could she just sink right back into her home life as if nothing happened between us?
I sent her another text, but didn¡¯t hear back from her for another two hours.
ANYA: ¡°Sorry went for a walk w/friends. Now have to get ready for a meeting. Have a great day! Xoxo!¡±
I had been with her for fifteen months at this point and this was the first time she ever went on a walk with friends. No ¡°I love you¡±. No ¡°I miss you¡±, but just ¡°have a great day!¡±. After such an eventful night together in San Diego, her text seemed to have a clandestine purpose, or maybe, I just expected more from her, even for a Monday. Later that afternoon, in an effort to stymie off my negative emotions so I could focus at work, I sent her a text to tell her I missed her.
ANYA: ¡°I miss u so much. I only have beautiful memories.¡±
ME: ¡°It all seemed so unreal. Hard to believe we feel so much yet there¡¯s so much more to experience.¡±
ANYA: ¡°I know! There¡¯s a whole new fantasy world we haven¡¯t explored! If we were free to love we would be more in love if that¡¯s even possible!¡±
More than ever I wanted fantasy to become reality as a part of me felt abandoned. The ¡°If we were free to love¡± part of her text rained concern as I feared all we experienced together, all she allowed and encouraged me to feel, still wasn¡¯t enough for her to feel a need to make a promise to me. She told me she needed love, so how could this be? How many married couples were still married when a spouse made love to another man, and even went beyond the normal call of duty? Did she not see the significance in what we shared? How could she go back into her marriage, climb in bed with another man, and look him straight in the eye after our night in San Diego? If she didn¡¯t consider herself ¡°free to love¡±, then why did she allow and encourage any of this to happen at any time? I never wanted a fantasy world to stay in the realm of fantasy because I¡¯ve never dwelled there. I only lived in reality, and I only wanted a fantasy world in the realm of reality otherwise, her love was only a lust driven infatuation, and never true love. If she truly loved me, wouldn¡¯t she now be compelled to leave after San Diego? Did she perform fellatio with me just so I could ¡°experience¡± it? She¡¯s better than the woman of my dreams, the only one I loved and cared for. She told me ¡°divorces happened all the time¡± and ¡°nothing was impossible¡±. She¡¯s looked me in my eyes and told me ¡°I love you forever¡± even at times when we were engaged in the act of one. If I truly cared about the ¡°experience¡± I would pay someone to fulfill the fantasy for me. No, I wanted to only experience it with only one person for the rest of my life, and that was her. In the most factual way, she did belong to me when she came to my room, with a bottle of wine and my necklace on so she could fulfill my fantasy without a second thought. How could she love me so deeply, to know it killed me to not have a promise, yet still deny me at least that? Why couldn¡¯t she tell Jackson she wanted a trial separation so we could get married in Vegas? So she wouldn¡¯t have to deal with the witch at her games who hurt her marriage? How could she step back into her life as if San Diego never happened? As if San Diego was just a fun fantasy and deny any semblance of its reality? I needed her to realize the significance of our time together in San Diego, and if she couldn¡¯t do that, then she planned to always elude reality while I dwelled in it.
After our brief early morning textversation, I didn¡¯t hear back from her for the rest of the day as her silence festered in my mind, like maggots on the body of a decomposed animal. Time moved slower on this day as I couldn¡¯t wait to get home to fight off the negative feelings. When I finally reached home base, and afraid I wouldn¡¯t hear from her to help stop them, I reached out.
ANYA: ¡°So sorry! U guessed it! Running around, dinner and baseball game! Just left. Amazing how well u know me! I miss u baby.¡±
After I heard back from her, I felt better but something just seemed different today. I knew her duties usually consumed her, but mine did as well. She never shared the details of her ¡°meeting¡±, or the reason for the ¡°walk with friends¡±; things she usually told me about, but maybe in the end though, San Diego left me paranoid more than Anya. Any mixed feelings she now exhibited were harder to understand, because she fulfilled a fantasy with such certainty, an act she had to know only allowed my feelings to grow for her. I hated to admit she ruined me. I felt weak to admit it to just myself, but I could never tell her about it because I knew only an apology would follow; not a promise.
I had this sick feeling in my stomach she might downplay our night in San Diego, as if it held the same weight as any other night we shared. And if she did, it would cheapen everything we shared on such a beautiful night for both of us. But even as she spoke of the night¡¯s enchantment, she was still able to climb in bed and sleep next to another man, one who dishonored her. How could she do such a thing even for the sake of her children knowing what we shared and how much it could hurt me? Not in a million years, would I be brazened enough to ever do such a thing to anyone I truly loved. I would¡¯ve never believed, if she fell in love with me and loved me this much without restraint, that she would stay in her marriage, let alone never change a single thing about it. Although we had a verbal agreement, that was never a part of what we both agreed to. Would it have been an accurate statement, since I allowed her to stay in her marriage while we dated, it was why she fell in love with me? That she only fell because she still had the security of her marriage?
I knew I couldn¡¯t continue to live this way. I even promised her months ago, if I ever felt this way again and pressured her, I¡¯d have no choice but to end our relationship. I then thought about her trip to Spain last year, and her diversion to a canary island, Tenerife. She told me it was a business trip, but she had to know Jackson had romantic intentions as she gave him the key to plan it. How many more trips alone with Jackson would my heart and mind be able to take? I could tolerate another trip only if she planned to ask for a divorce and to let him know of her ¡°real¡± thoughts, but what if those ¡°real¡± thoughts only existed because she thought he never knew who I was? Our night in San Diego wasn¡¯t a fantasy to me, it was a reality, and never more so when the night ended. If she looked upon the beauty of our night together as just her own personal fantasy, and what she did for me was just for me to ¡°experience¡± it, then the moment was only designed to be spent on my heart¡¯s dime. It may have not been fair to Anya for me to think this way. Her silence on the following day could very well be because she was so busy, but I was very busy too, and still would¡¯ve put her first over a walk with friends. Then again, maybe she wanted to tell them about San Diego, as they knew we were intimate, and she just needed to talk to them about it? I just never considered the incentive of fantasy in this for her because I drowned in reality every day. Her fantasy was my reality. Everything I experienced was real to me, not subject or limited to fantasy in any way. She had a reason to bask in fantasy, she had the best of both worlds, as she was well aware, I always only had reality, and now it was too brutal to continue this way as the time came to turn this fantasy into reality. If I couldn¡¯t fight for the reality of this love, I could never fight for anything. I just knew one thing, fantasy and reality would soon collide.
CHAPTER 39 ~ LOST IN A GASLIGHT
¡°Lies don¡¯t end relationships; the truth does.¡±
~ Shannon L. Alder
I needed reality on this St. Patrick¡¯s Day. If Anya felt San Diego was a reason to continue a fantasy, she would never belong to me. Her mixed feelings, the day after San Diego, created an emotional letdown we both wanted to avoid. As beautiful as the night together was, everything Mitch spewed at me, started to stick. If all she felt for me truly was real, especially after San Diego, certainly she¡¯d be able to promise one day we¡¯d be together. She didn¡¯t have to give me an exact date, but if she truly loved me, and her feelings for me were real to her because my feelings definitely were to me, she would at least make the promise. She couldn¡¯t simply dream and fantasize about us on my heart and mind¡¯s dime anymore. After San Diego, I needed her love more than ever. I needed to know the source of her anger at the games and if these were feelings she still had for Jackson, or was this directed at the fact we couldn¡¯t be together? What was the walk with her friends about before the baseball game? Did she confide in them and not me? Why? Because I¡¯d tell her the truth she didn¡¯t want to hear? Did she feel guilty about the direction of her anger? Why would she care if she had me in her life? Why would she care after San Diego? Why did that woman at the game bother her so deeply? I also needed to know the reason why she never performed felatio with her husband. Was it because of the kids and the lack of privacy or was it truly the infidelities? Was it because she didn¡¯t want to, or because she was only afraid to? Why could she love me without a care, even fulfill an intimate fantasy without any restraint, but not be willing to make me a promise and leave a man who had cheated on her numerous times?
I hoped the next day would bring a change for me emotionally, but because I couldn¡¯t sleep well, the following day only brought a tougher challenge. I had a lot of hard questions within I feared to ask, but I felt they steamrolled over me like a tank in Tiananmen Square. Thankfully, Anya texted me in the morning, and it helped to slow this Express Train in my head down.
ANYA: ¡°Good morning! Sorry about last night. I came home w/a lot of negative emotions (baseball game) and I just wanted to shut down. Didn¡¯t get much reading in.¡±
Anya asked me as we laid together in bed if I she had ruined me. Although I denied she did, this was an example of how I felt ruined as it felt she shut down on me and not herself. Anya¡¯s silence wrecked me inside even more to know she didn¡¯t turn to me at a time she needed someone. She didn¡¯t for one reason, she didn¡¯t want to hear what I had to say on it. She didn¡¯t want to hear from the person she brought aboard this sinking ship, that she had only one life preserver on board, and it was for her. She allowed and encouraged me to feel so much for her as she fulfilled an intimate fantasy for me without restraint, however at a time she should have talked to me, she didn¡¯t. When she was ganged up on at the dinner table months ago, and her mother in law had a poor opinion on how she handled Katie¡¯s disobedience at the dinner table, she came to me. Now, she tucked things inside, because she knew what she would hear; it was time for her to leave her husband, or at least make a promise to the man who trusted her to be in a position that left him in ruins. I felt if she truly loved me, the way she showed me in San Diego, she would have not thought twice about getting away to tell me what was on her mind. Just days ago, she dreamt of our wedding. She even spoke of plans of getting married first before we had one with family and friends in attendance. She even wore her necklace in an act of defiance of her marriage, as a symbol of where she wanted to be. I never gave her the necklace in exchange for a promise, but I don¡¯t know how she could wear it, and not think a promise would be the right thing to give me. She didn¡¯t want to talk to me for one simple reason; she knew it was more evidence for me to prove she should leave her marriage. That what I had to say would make our love beyond a rational choice. It pained me deeply to feel she didn¡¯t want that, but it was more than alright to allow me to fall deeply in love with her and to communicate freely Jackson¡¯s infidelities to me which encouraged me to be ruined. Before I made this assessment though, I had to know the kind of emotions she felt at the games as I tried to determine the source of her true anger.
ME: ¡°Good morning! What do you feel when you have ¡°negative emotions¡±? Mostly anger?¡±
ANYA: ¡°Yes¡±
When her response lacked proper punctuation at its end, it suggested I was on to something. That there was something she didn¡¯t want to tell me because she knew I¡¯d have a strong opinion about it. And rightfully so, I was in her life for a reason, and she led me to this point for the reasons she spoke of, on top of his infidelities. I always supported her anger though; not that I wanted her to feel itr, but only for her to know it was justified. She didn¡¯t want to hear how staying for the kids was contradictive to her invite to San Diego, and allowance of my love for her.
ME: ¡°Do you express it or hold it inside?¡±
ANYA: ¡°Inside¡±
ME: ¡°Ok.¡±
ANYA: ¡°Don¡¯t like to keep revisiting the past.¡±
Her consistent non-usage of a period to end her sentences suggested my questions annoyed her as I also sensed anger in them. How could she think after all we shared; her past would ever disappear without any chance of a revisit? If she revisited her past with Jackson, couldn''t it only mean good things for us? I wanted to see her side too, and maybe she feared her kids may overhear something again and that was why she shut down after the game? Especially after Katie¡¯s essay? If she didn¡¯t revisit her past, I''d have never known her enough to be in ruins. Now, fifteen months later after San Diego, she should not be afraid to revisit it at all with Jackson. Did she realize how her past affected my life? How her past allowed and encouraged me to now be "ruined" by it if she stayed? Her past even affected another man¡¯s life, who described it as ¡°tragic¡±. How could she not acknowledge it was her past with the man she laid next to that affected lives around her? I know she tried to hide it inside for her kids, the problem was she had this man in her life who made her his. A man she asked if he wanted to get a room in San Diego. I tried desperately not to lose it especially when I know she had a rough night at the game. I didn¡¯t want to let her know how it made me feel when she shut down on me, especially after a beautiful night in San Diego. How her mixed emotions made me feel as if she played a game with my heart. How I felt she used me only to feel love again, and never had any real intentions to leave. How I believed she may have still loved her husband. How I couldn¡¯t understand why she didn¡¯t revisit the past when there lied a chance for her to leave and to choose an honest life over a lie. Why she didn¡¯t see this as an opportunity to do the right thing but instead decide not to revisit the source of her anger, as if I didn¡¯t have a reason to exist in her life at all.
ME: ¡°If you¡¯re angry 15 years later, do you think this will ever just be in the past? I guess it scares my heart that you hide it. Maybe I¡¯m just crazy? Idk, u walked w/friends yesterday, had a meeting, and u didn¡¯t tell me about the game at all. Not that you had to, but it¡¯s a little worrisome. I guess what I¡¯m trying to say is please don¡¯t hide your feelings from me. I need to know how you¡¯re truly feeling whether it hurts me or not so I can better understand your silence. To have a night as great as Saturday and to come home knowing you¡¯re in bed with another man is pure torture, especially one who cheated on you and gave you these feelings of anger. I just wish you would ask him for separation at this point. Then, we¡¯ll get married and keep it a secret for a while. Ha!¡±
I just wanted to be honest with her about the way I felt and thought it was important for her to know. I didn¡¯t want to put more pressure on her that she already had and wanted to present it to her in a way she wouldn¡¯t feel defensive. I was just miffed how she could allow someone to feel so much for her then choose to ignore what led him to her in the first place. She told me all she needed was someone to be there for her to leave him. She had every reason in the world to leave him, yet how could she still not know if she ever could? Why couldn¡¯t she do right thing and just ask for a separation for now? Why allow the man, who showed her what love and loyalty was all about, to suffer so much? Why did she still belong to a man who caused her unhappiness and anger when she wished to belong to me? I couldn¡¯t believe that woman at the games, placed on the same team as her son was coincidence. I felt this way because I loved Anya so much, I felt the Universe believed in our goodness. That this was it¡¯s way to bring two people who belonged to each other, together. Anya¡¯s inability to see this as coincidence scared me enough to question if her love and intentions to be with me, were just fantasy, and too irrational in her eyes for reality, after she allowed and encouraged me to feel so much.
ANYA: ¡°I didn¡¯t know what I was going to feel until I got to the game. It¡¯s diff everytime. I have good days and bad days. I don¡¯t talk about it cuz I don¡¯t want to beat a dead horse over and over. It¡¯s pointless. He obviously knows and feels my anger. I was afraid you were going to go through a hard time after Sat night. This is exactly what I didn¡¯t want to happen. I¡¯m like poison. You think you¡¯re going to be ok but it destroys you everytime. I don¡¯t want to get into it right now.¡±
I had to respect her wish, as I felt out of sorts at work and needed to regain my focus. I wanted to be sensitive to her, because I know this wasn¡¯t easy on her at all. I didn¡¯t want her to feel like ¡°poison¡±, but she fed me ¡°poison¡± fifteen months ago when she allowed and encouraged me to fall in love with her. She went on a ¡°walk¡± with friends. Then she had a ¡°meeting¡± and then she had an emotional shutdown at the game. Those things didn¡¯t feel right to me because they made me feel she hid something from me, and when she shut me out, I felt wronged. After she wished she belonged to me, here was the perfect chance to do something about that wish. Her destiny and fate laid it right down in front of her, and even after she loved me enough to fulfill a fantasy of mine, she chose to shut it all off as if after fifteen years the way his infidelities made her feel would just go away? How could she call it a ¡°dead horse¡± when she knew that same dead horse was the reason, she ¡°didn¡¯t want to get into it right now¡± with me? It¡¯s been fifteen years and she still felt anger with Jackson over his gross disrespect of her heart and the family they built. He cheated on her as she held the second member of their growing family inside her. It was time to put her philandering husband, who could care less about her pregnancy and the institution of marriages, to bed for good. To beat the dead horse for the last time by saying ¡°Goodbye, I¡¯ve found a real love. Not a love that cheats, but one that respects the beauty of my heart and mind. One that will only hold me and never desert me. A love that is loyal to me even when it dreams. A once in a lifetime kind of love that will never hurt me the way you did.¡± I know she worried for her kids, but wouldn¡¯t her love for me see the strength in Katie¡¯s essay and not just her weakness? Something more than Katie¡¯s essay kept her there next to Jackson. The only way this made any sense was if she felt dishonest about her true feelings for me. If she wished she belonged to me, if she truly loved me and wanted to be with me, what stopped her from further pummeling the dead horse?
As the day progressed and turned into twilight, Anya appeared to have shut down on me completely as I couldn¡¯t deny how her silence after San Diego made me feel. I convinced myself if the roles were reversed, she would be just as upset as I was, especially if the woman at the game still angered her fifteen years later. I wanted to tear away the veil she wore whenever she was at home as I couldn¡¯t make it this easy for her to be dishonest with me. I needed to challenge the unknown variable at home so she couldn¡¯t manipulate my emotions with ease. She couldn¡¯t just wear my necklace and leave me to believe she truly loved me when in reality she was probably too afraid to wear it at home. She hid something from me I needed to know, and I reserved the right to know the real reason why she shut down. I¡¯ve treated her too good to deserve the silence only her husband deserved.
ME: ¡°I haven¡¯t heard from you all day. Did I do something wrong? Why are you shutting down on me, babe? Your silence is rough on my heart after our beautiful night in San Diego.¡±
ANYA: ¡°Please don¡¯t be mad at me. It hasn¡¯t been easy for me either since Sat. I want to repeat that nite every nite with u. I¡¯m just shutting down cuz I¡¯m sad. I love u.¡±
She had told me earlier she shut down due to her anger at the baseball game. Now it was because she was sad? She didn¡¯t seem sad at all, jumping right back into her life as if Saturday was just a dream--as if it didn¡¯t really happen at all. Only meant for shits and giggles, and nothing more, even as she wore a big piece of my heart along her breastplate. After nearly sixteen months together, this didn¡¯t set well with me as the time arrived to learn where I truly stood in her life.
ME: ¡°I¡¯m sorry but if you¡¯re going to shut down on me after all the love you¡¯ve shown me for almost sixteen months now, I can¡¯t let you just only promise me a broken heart. I love you too.¡±
ANYA: ¡°I don¡¯t understand.¡±
ME: ¡°That¡¯s the problem. You don¡¯t really try to understand. I¡¯m sorry but I am really confused how you could love me so much yet still fight your true feelings of anger in order to stay with him. To continue to belong to him when you told me just the other day you wished you belong to me.¡±
ANYA: ¡°Why don¡¯t you understand it¡¯s not you against him? Didn¡¯t you read Katie¡¯s letter? Did I not tell you about her struggles? I spent a weekend with her. My heart broke.¡±
ME: ¡°I read every single word and you know what I saw in each of them? I saw a very strong girl. A girl who had the wisdom enough to know change is ¡°necessary for growth¡±.¡±
ANYA: ¡°Strong yes, but vulnerable and young.¡±
I didn¡¯t want to argue with her about her children. Yes, they were both vulnerable and young, but they weren¡¯t weak. What were they vulnerable to most other kids their age weren¡¯t? ¡°Divorces happen all the time.¡±. ¡°Nothing is impossible.¡± She told me those very things when they were a year younger and more vulnerable. Katie¡¯s letter showed there was strength in her and wisdom. Things other kids her age didn¡¯t have. I just felt if she truly loved me, she would have clung to the positives in Katie¡¯s essay, and not all the negatives. I didn¡¯t understand how Anya missed Katie¡¯s message to her that ¡°change was necessary for growth.¡±. She even told me one time, all she needed was my ¡°love¡± to leave Jackson. Now, it seemed they were just empty words of a love nourished from the nectar of her fantasy, while my love fed off the stone of reality. It just didn¡¯t seem that Anya believed in love anymore, and I felt defeated.
ME: ¡°I¡¯m dying inside here. I miss you so much. It kills.¡±
ANYA: ¡°I know baby. I am too.¡±
ME: ¡°I¡¯m sorry if I¡¯m being hurtful to you right now. I love you so much. This is really hard.¡±
ANYA: ¡°Maybe SD was a mistake. I¡¯m so sorry. I thought it would be good for us, but it just reminded us of what we don¡¯t have. I miss u so much.¡±
I wanted to scale back on my emotions, but how could she be okay with these emotions if they were truly the same ones I felt? How could they rip me to pieces yet she could go back and only be torn in a spot or two? I sensed a large schism between our feelings, and for her to ask if I wanted to go to San Diego, in essence allowed me to, knowing how deeply I felt about her, how could she now tell me it was a mistake? How could she even dare to say it was a mistake at all? To say San Diego was a mistake would be to say the entire last fifteen months were. Why was it a mistake? Because her mixed feelings brought on by her silence affected me to the point I struggled? She knew how much she meant to me. She knew how much I loved her. Her dreams of a wedding and wanting to wear something of mine, regardless of what I paid, manifested into not only trust of her feelings for me but also San Diego never being considered a mistake. Why did she turn into a dog? I never wronged her. I never loved her and went off into another life. I stayed consistent every single second of every waking day. For it to remind her of what we didn¡¯t have, then why tell me she wished she belonged to me? Why did she ask me if I wanted to take her daughter to the convention? Why did she perform fellatio on me? How could she text that with a straight face when an opportunity to change that existed the night at the baseball games? If she missed me so much, why didn¡¯t she pummel the dead horse into its extinction? Why did she take my life from me? These were the kind of texts that challenged her love for me in my mind. When she had the courage to live her fantasy in my reality. We had a lot more than she thought we had after I had given her nearly sixteen months of my life. I may have been her fantasy, but she was my reality, and what she texted made that more real than ever.
ME: ¡°It was a beautiful night, but I want it to mean something to you. I know it means something to you, but it meant everything to me. I feel there is a large gap between your something and my everything.¡±
She jumped right back in bed with another man every night while I went to bed at night with a ghost. I could not explain for the life of me how she could bring me so close, without any fear, when she knew her arrangements at home while I returned home each night to no one but torturous thoughts and a love I trusted she believed in. I trusted after all she went through with Jackson, after all the love I gave her, all the sacrifices I made that left me in absolute ruins, she knew what love was.
ANYA: ¡°It meant everything to me too. I only had beautiful memories of it but now I see it as a mistake. I was afraid of this. I don¡¯t want you to hurt. I did it again.¡±
ME: ¡°It was not a mistake unless you don¡¯t truly love me. I¡¯m only hurt b/c you shut down on me. Of all the times you choose to do that, you do it after Saturday night. Please don¡¯t do that to me. I don¡¯t deserve that.¡±
ANYA: ¡°Shutting down was not b/c of SD. I just wanted to take a break from that person at the baseball game. Didn¡¯t feel like talking about it. It¡¯s my right.¡±
I agreed with her. It was her right not to talk about it, however she should have also exercised her right to be silent about her husband¡¯s transgressions that led me here. Since her silence affected me, I felt I had a right to know why after a beautiful night together I barely heard from her. She shut down on me because she knew I¡¯d question her sanity to stay, and after Saturday night, I had a whale of an argument against it. Sometimes I felt the only reason she loved me so deeply was to purposely drive me crazy. To give her the excuse I was psycho, so she created a reason to leave me. At this particular time, after Saturday night, knowing how strongly I felt about her, this is exactly what she tried to do. If I revealed my fantasies, she would use them as devices to drive me even more crazy than I already felt. If she loved me as much as I loved her, why did I feel crazy to question it? I learned fifteen years later she was still angered by her husband¡¯s gross disrespect of her heart. Her solution was to turn a blind eye to it and shut it out, as if it would just magically disappear if she slept on it. As much as it irritated me, I loved her to death but was now at a crossroad.
ME: ¡°Your shutdown wasn¡¯t because of SD?¡±
ANYA: ¡°Nope.¡±
ME: ¡°Oh, I thought it was b/c of SD. You said it was earlier.¡±
ANYA: ¡°I think it was a combo of everything.¡±
I hated to give her a hard time, but the basic math didn¡¯t add up. First, she said it was the girl at the game, then she said she shutdown because she felt sad because she missed me. The problem was, I didn¡¯t feel missed at all, but abandoned. Love was supposed to catch the ones who fell, but she put her arms out through her texts, but with no intention to catch me, but rather to find fault in me.
ME: ¡°Ok babe. I¡¯m not the typical guy. It was an emotional experience for me b/c of what I shared with you on Saturday. I¡¯m deeply in love with you. It¡¯s no joke what I¡¯m feeling. I was not expecting a shutdown of any kind, babe especially after Saturday night. You didn¡¯t tell me you had a baseball game that night. You didn¡¯t tell me you had a meeting so I don¡¯t know the reason for a shut down. All I know is you¡¯re silent and that¡¯s not like you after a time we spend together like that. You don¡¯t usually leave me in the dark about things like that so I didn¡¯t know what to think. If you were in my shoes, you would think the worst too.¡±
ANYA: ¡°No you are not and that¡¯s why I¡¯m in love with you. I¡¯m sorry if I hurt you.¡±
Anya¡¯s text seemed to show she understood how I felt, and her apology seemed sincere as well. It was the first real sense of comfort I felt since our Saturday night ended.
ME: ¡°I¡¯m sorry if I hurt you too.¡±
I left our textversation still a bit unsettled but in a better state of mind. As the night progressed though, a dark cloud opened up upon me as I realized tonight was St. Patrick¡¯s Day, and I hadn¡¯t heard from her. Scenarios began to ruthlessly play in my mind, and each one I visited had her and Jackson together, and the fa?ade alive and well even after Our night together in San Diego. It began to weigh on my mind how she could love me so much, allow me to feel the way I did, and could easily go home only to step into a party with her husband or her friends. Even those friends who knew everything about Anya and me. I then visualized her having a couple of green beers or shots and then while intoxicated jumping into bed naked with her husband, the dead horse, the man who she told me horrific things about that brought me to this point of ruin. I again couldn¡¯t shake off why she got so angry at the games. Why didn¡¯t she share her anger with me? On this night, as these logical scenarios played in my head, it seemed a cold hard truth stared me right in the face; she still had feelings for him. The real reason she was able to stay married to him. I reasoned, if I were to show up at the baseball games, and if Jackson knew Anya and I at one time had a relationship, wouldn¡¯t he be just as angry as Anya at the games seeing her old flame? Anya had to be as emotional about Jackson as much as he would be emotional about her. Otherwise, why would she care so much? If I were Anya, and I was truly in love with someone else and I had plans to be with him, why would I be angry at all? In fact, I¡¯d thank her for it. If Anya truly loved me, why did this still bother her? Why did she still climb naked in bed next to another man? How could she ever think I¡¯d ever be okay falling deeply in love with her, especially a married woman, if that never changed or still went on? When I didn¡¯t hear from her of the rest of the evening, St. Patrick¡¯s night, after she knew all I felt for her especially after our night in San Diego together, I made the only decision I was left with. That St Patrick¡¯s Day eve would be the night she understood my heart, feelings and emotions were all too real.
ME: ¡°What you¡¯re doing to me isn¡¯t right.¡±
ANYA: ¡°What¡¯s wrong?¡±
ME: ¡°Why r u shutting me out?¡±
ANYA: ¡°What? What r u talking about?¡±
ME: ¡°My heart and my feelings are real. Very real. You know what I¡¯m talking about.¡±
ANYA: ¡°Why r u doing this? Idk!¡±
ME: ¡°You don¡¯t know? How could you say that? You are shutting down on me!¡±
ANYA: ¡°I thought we were fine?¡±
ME: ¡°I thought so too until I didn¡¯t hear from you tonight. Something doesn¡¯t feel right to me and I think you owe me an explanation.¡±
ANYA: ¡°OMG! My Bunko group had a gathering and I went! Is that so wrong to be with my friends?¡±
Anya sounded like Katie, a thirteen year old. Just a few weeks ago, she sent me a letter on Valentine¡¯s Day saying she felt like she wasn¡¯t there for Katie, yet here she was with her friends at a ¡°Bunko gathering¡±? For the first time, I didn¡¯t believe Anya as this was not just a Bunko gathering but also a St. Patrick¡¯s Day party. If this was truly a ¡°Bunko¡± game among the girls, she would have texted me about it, just like the night she did when she went over a friend¡¯s house for the Academy Awards ¡°Pj party¡± and ¡°The Bachelor¡± finale, which she claimed to bring Katie along to. Now I lost my trust in her for truly the first time ever as I caught her in a half lie. This only proved she did me wrong, and how could she? How could she do the man wrong who truly respected and loved her? You know how? Because I was a nice man. Because I cared about her well-being. Because Jackson¡¯s money held more weight than my love for her. She got what she wanted from me, and now I was used up, ruined for anyone else. She siphoned my love for her until she, stole my sense of self, as I felt like I had been raped. If she had zero plans to ever be with me, after what we shared on Saturday night, after she wore my necklace along her breastplate and fulfilled a ¡°fantasy¡±, how did a rape victim feel any less than I did right now? I never gave her permission to love me that deeply if she planned to stay and still sleep with her husband? To continue to build the fa?ade of their marriage around friends? Friends that knew about our relationship. How could she share something so special with me, leave me emotionally distraught, almost traumatized, and then just go out with her friends and lay next to her husband as if the night in San Diego never happened at all? For the first time I was not just hurt and sad, I was angry with her for what appeared to be a complete game with my emotions.
ME: ¡°This isn¡¯t the Anya I know. You usually text me something to tell me where you¡¯re headed for the evening. You did during the Academy Awards PJ party. You did at ¡°The Bachelor¡± finale. You know what you¡¯re doing, Anya. I want to know the truth. You¡¯re hiding something from me that I need to know.¡±
ANYA: ¡°Ok you¡¯re freaking out and you need to stop!¡±
When I read this text, it brought me back to the psychology behind her love, and the fear I began to have that she loved me deeply only to drive me berserk. She did this intentionally, her purpose to drive me crazy enough that I¡¯d either leave or give her a reason to leave me, as if there was something wrong with me for feeling so strongly. She lovebombed me not because she loved me, but because she wanted to drive me insane so she had a reason to end the relationship. When that didn¡¯t work, she started to ask me about my fantasies, so she¡¯d have more devices at her disposal. So, I looked like the bad guy, and she had a viable reason to part. If she truly loved me, she¡¯s never text ¡°you¡¯re freaking out and you need to stop¡±; the first time I ever heard such words come from her. All those times she hurt; I was always there for her to make sure she felt safe. On this night, I seemed to learn she only cared about herself and her good time at the expense of my heart and all I ever fought for her to have.
ME: ¡°I have every right to freak out. I¡¯m in love with you. Please don¡¯t make me seek the answers out on my own.¡±
ANYA: ¡°What? What is wrong with you?¡±
ME: ¡°I refuse to live in your fantasy world any more. I want us to be real, and I need to know if we are. I want to be with you.¡±
ANYA: ¡°Why r u so angry? What did I do? Please stop! I¡¯m begging you!¡±
For the last fifteen months, I tried everyday to make a real effort to understand why she did the things she did. To understand why she struggled yet she couldn¡¯t even grasp, let alone tried to understand, how after our night in San Diego was more intimate and special than other nights we spent together. She treated San Diego just like the previous times we spent with each other. Why was I angry? How could she live her life as if San Diego never happened? As if I didn¡¯t exist in her life? That after all the love I gave her and all the loneliness I felt because of the pain she shared with me that allowed and encouraged me to be in her life, she treated me as if I just wanted to get laid, like any other man.
ME: ¡°You¡¯re just not getting it. I¡¯m in love with you more than ever, Anya. I miss you so much now I want to die. I don¡¯t know how you have time to miss me when you have Bunko gatherings to attend with your friends. You told me you weren¡¯t there for Katie yet here you are hanging out with friends, while your best friend suffers because he¡¯s missing you. You can¡¯t just pick up where you left off anymore after San Diego. Sorry, it¡¯s not right. Love is more than something you feel for someone. It¡¯s not fantasy to me.¡±
ANYA: ¡°Please stop.¡±
I couldn¡¯t believe her response to my text was ¡°please stop¡± as it made me even more disgusted with her vanishing act after San Diego. ¡°Please stop¡± was her response to ¡°I miss you so much I want to die¡±. She told me one time ¡°I¡¯d rather die than never have you in my life¡±. I wonder how it would have made her feel if I responded ¡°please stop¡± to that. How could she be this cold if she loved me? She couldn¡¯t. This was the evidence I needed, that Mitch believed as well, her love only existed when it convenienced her; when it was on her terms alone.
ME: ¡°Anya, I don¡¯t want you with him anymore. I¡¯m sorry. I¡¯m here because of what you told me about him. I trusted everything you ever told me about him. You told me you wished you belonged to me. I need you to show me that you meant that.¡±
ANYA: ¡°I¡¯m going to sleep now. I hope to God that you will have calmed down by morning Landyn.¡±
Her responses to my texts were as heartless as an executioner. For the first time, I met an Anya I didn¡¯t know at all. One who lived in the same shadows her husband did. I actually felt fooled by her love for the first time, and I had to show her how wrong her decision to dismiss my feelings and emotions truly was.
ME: ¡°You¡¯ve left me with no other choice than to make the decision to freely love you. You can ignore me all you want. You don¡¯t have to talk to me ever again, but I need to know the truth. I¡¯m going to love you as if you¡¯re not married, since you decided to dismiss my feelings as if San Diego never happened.¡±
ANYA: ¡°Do you even know what you¡¯re doing?¡±
ME: ¡°Now I know what I¡¯m doing. In fact, I¡¯ve never been more sure of anything in my life. If you can¡¯t promise me anything, after loving me the way you have, then I can¡¯t make any promises how I handle my heartbreak. You told me when we first met that you couldn¡¯t help yourself from pursuing a relationship with me. I¡¯m sorry, but just like you, I can¡¯t help it now either. We¡¯ll soon see how much you appreciate that kind of reasoning.¡±
ANYA: ¡°I can¡¯t believe you¡¯re doing this to me.¡±
ME: ¡°What am I doing to you? You wish to belong to me. You love me. You miss me. Let¡¯s see if that¡¯s true because I can¡¯t believe what you¡¯re doing to me!¡±
ANYA: ¡°Just shoot me and get it over with. Sorry I loved you.¡±
ME: ¡°When did you fall out of love with me? Is that how your love works? When it¡¯s not on your terms? When it inconveniences you? When someone wants you to put your money where your mouth is? What kind of love is that?¡±
ANYA: ¡°You know you¡¯re blowing it!¡±
ME: ¡°Blowing what? Being alone for the rest of my life? Tell me what I am blowing. Living a fantasy forever or reality?¡±
ANYA: ¡°You don¡¯t know that! God I hate you for doing this! Why Landyn?¡±
ME: ¡°You hate me? For what? That girl at the baseball games that pisses you off so much you need to shut down is your husband¡¯s fault. The day you told the husband his wife was cheating on him, that was his fault too. I can keep going, you know. All these things you told me about that led me to feel the way I do now. He cheated on you several times yet you hate me? I¡¯ve never hurt you like your husband! You¡¯re the one telling me you wish you belonged to me. I want to know if it¡¯s true because if it¡¯s not, you¡¯re playing a game with my heart. If anyone should hate anyone here¡Am I blowing a chance at us being together?¡±
ANYA: ¡°You are now. No, I don¡¯t hate you, you know that.¡±
ME: ¡°Then I have only one question for you.¡±
ANYA: ¡°What?¡±
ME: ¡°Can you please make me a promise that we¡¯ll be together one day?¡±
ANYA: ¡°What¡±
I felt like I had just been raped as I could hear Mitch¡¯s laughter in my head when I read her answer to a promise asked for by the man, she wished she belonged to and who she claimed to love forever. What broke my heart even more was, for the first time ever, it gave me about as much trust in her as she had for her husband.
ME: ¡°After nearly sixteen months together. After a beautiful night in San Diego. After your hopes, wishes and dreams. All you could say in response was ¡°what¡±. I don¡¯t want to ever hurt you Anya, but you¡¯ve just hurt as bad as anyone could hurt someone. For the first time, you¡¯ve given me a reason to doubt your love for me, and that hurts more than anything. If the girl who really and truly loves me won¡¯t find a way to be with me, then I¡¯m afraid there isn¡¯t much hope for me. You just played a game with my heart, my life, just so you could feel again.¡±
ANYA: ¡°So you really think that? Really Landyn?¡±
The truth was, I didn¡¯t want to believe that. I wanted to be wrong more than anything in this world about it, but how could I deny all of her heartless responses? Did I ¡°really think that¡± I could be fooled so easily? Did I ¡°really think that¡± this was all a game she played with me? ¡°Did I ¡°really believe that¡± she didn¡¯t love me? I realized if I did believe any of this, my life would be over, so I sobered up an already sober mind, and backtracked.
ME: ¡°Not really. I know you love me.¡±
ANYA: ¡°I love you¡±
ME: ¡°I love you too.¡±
ANYA: ¡°Then please stop and just love me. Please understand. I beg you.¡±
ME: ¡°You can¡¯t just go off and disappear as if nothing happened between us. You can¡¯t be so willing to camouflage yourself into your life anymore. I understand you need to be there for Katie and Andrew, but you have to consider my feelings as well. You need to understand me too.¡±
ANYA: ¡°I do baby.¡±
ME: ¡°If u did babe, you would promise me that someday we would be together.¡±
ANYA: ¡°Can we talk tomorrow? On the phone?¡±
ME: ¡°Yes.¡±
ANYA: ¡°Ok. You can just let me know when.¡±
I then realized what I may have agreed to as I refused to let Anya off the hook after what transpired in San Diego, as if it never happened.
ME: ¡°If you¡¯re going to try and let me go, it won¡¯t be easy. I don¡¯t plan on letting you go.¡±
ANYA: ¡°What r u saying?¡±
ME: ¡°Exactly what I said. I love you. Sorry for upsetting you. Goodnight.¡±
She never text me back, but if she planned to let me go over the phone, I didn¡¯t care. She couldn¡¯t love someone without restraint that encouraged and allowed someone to love her without restraint yet decide to remain married to a man who betrayed her so unfairly it led her to the man she loved without restraint. I held so much in with the hope I¡¯d never have to make it known to her, but her shutdown after the night together in San Diego told me the time was now; my own emancipation proclamation. She didn¡¯t need to leave Jackson now, but if she truly wished I belonged to her and she truly missed and loved me, then I needed a promise for her to prove her love was real for me and not based on a fantasy. My feelings were more than real and if she couldn¡¯t make a promise, then I deserved to know the truth what truly kept her there. To me, a party at her friend¡¯s house was the same as time spent with me if she felt she hadn¡¯t been there for her kids. I planned to learn the truth about it all and if she thought my heart was a board, she could put game pieces upon and play with, then I¡¯m had the right to love her the way I wanted to; on my terms. How could she be cold enough, to know how much I felt for her, to run around like a single person without kids and to have a blast with friends while I laid confined to my apartment in ruins because of what she led me to believe about her unhappiness? My heart, my feelings, my emotions and my life were no joke. I demand to know all she should¡¯ve told me in the beginning to avoid all I felt at this time. She told me one time that ¡°some things are better left unsaid¡±, well his infidelities were better left unsaid too, if she had no plans to ever leave him, especially after asking me to fight for her. I felt she withheld a lot of things from me I needed to know that would¡¯ve helped avoid all this pain and loneliness I felt. I¡¯d let her go if I had to as I couldn¡¯t force her to do anything, but I vowed not to give in to her. To be stern and not bend. Anya needed to learn I was nothing like Jackson, or any other men she ever knew. I didn¡¯t use people. I didn¡¯t play games with their emotions. I respected every woman I ever associated myself with and I deserved the same respect in return. I didn¡¯t fall in love for just the sake of falling in love with anyone. I respected their feelings and emotions. I didn¡¯t bring myself close to them if I couldn¡¯t be there or deliver for them when they needed me to. For her to shut down on me and to seamlessly go back into her life as if San Diego never happened, was on par with something a rapist would do. Although an extreme comparison, it didn¡¯t stray far away from that because of my vulnerability as she knew how I felt about her. That she would engage in something that she knew would either bring me closer or make me crazy. If she wanted crazy, then maybe crazy is what she deserved, but ¡°Please stop¡± and ¡°what¡± were not responses from people who knew what love was.
When the next morning arrived, Anya texted me early.
ANYA: ¡°Morning. U ok?¡±
I tried to contain myself, but to respond that I was fine now would mean I had no right to feel all I did the night earlier. She invited me to San Diego. She took the liberty to fulfill a fantasy of mine on her own. She did things that could only bring me closer to her that allowed me to feel even more than I did. She had to accept responsibility for the way I felt. She had to understand how I could be affected by decisions she made at home now. I made a decision to date a married woman, and when we weren¡¯t together, I expected her to live a life of one, and not one of a single person.
ME: ¡°Morning. Idk, if I¡¯m ok or not. You hurt me badly last night by shutting down on me and not telling me you were going to a Bunko party. Naturally, I¡¯m going to wonder why b/c you always do. I would also like to know exactly what I¡¯m blowing.¡±
ANYA: ¡°You¡¯ve hurt me over and over. I haven¡¯t shut down on u! I¡¯ve given you everything I have to give, my heart and soul. This is 10 times worse than your birthday moment!¡±
Anya had given me a lot. She spent more time with me than any of my prior girlfriends did, and they were free to love me at any time. As much as Anya had hurt me, I had to consider the times I hurt her too. I wasn¡¯t perfect here by any means. She certainly had to juggle a lot to see me and to make us work, but I also never approached her at a bar. She didn¡¯t have to tell me about her husband¡¯s infidelities, but she did and in doing so, it led me here. She initiated nearly every single meeting we¡¯ve ever had. I trusted her with my heart completely, and she had to see her role in my pain if she wanted me to see my role in hers, and I would. I wanted to. I¡¯d take all the blame because I loved her so much. If she truly gave me her heart and soul, and if she truly gave me all she had to give, how come she couldn¡¯t make me a promise? Why would she choose to be at a Bunko gathering with friends instead of finding a way to be with me? There was a lot more to ¡°everything¡± than ¡°please stop¡± and ¡°what¡±. Again, love is beautiful but it needs to be lived in the realm of reality, not fantasy, for it to mean something she claimed to feel.
ANYA: ¡°You told me you were ok w/SD! I knew this was going to happen! Stupid me!!! I will send your thingie back! Idk what the hell is going on! My heart is bleeding, happy?¡±
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I didn¡¯t know how to respond as her texts caught me by surprise, and when I didn¡¯t, she continued until I did. The last thing I wanted to read though was that her heart was bleeding and I was happy about it. I could never be happy about that.
ANYA: ¡°You said some hurtful and mean things last night I can¡¯t forget.¡±
After I read this text, I grabbed my phone to reread the texts I sent her the previous evening. I had a hard time pinpointing however, what I said that was so hurtful and mean. Did she even once consider her response of ¡°what¡± enough to be put in the same category as those ¡°hurtful and mean¡± things? She should¡¯ve respected my honesty and if she didn¡¯t agree with it, then prove me wrong. A promise to be with me one day would prove me wrong. If she could love me enough to have made San Diego a reality, how come she couldn¡¯t give me a simple promise?
ME: ¡°What did I say that was mean and hurtful? Wanting you to make me a promise I deserved? Wanting u not to sleep with your piece of shit husband anymore? Was that mean and hurtful? What about your responses? Those weren¡¯t mean and hurtful? What did I say that was so mean and hurtful? Give me a for instance. I would like to know what it was specifically.¡±
I had to admit I was sick of her parties with friends. She told me she needed to be there for Katie, and all I saw was how she chose neighborhood parties and her social life over me. I felt all she ever found were excuses and never reasons to be with me, and after all she allowed and encouraged me to feel, how was that not hurtful and mean? She could flush my necklace down the toilet for all I cared if that¡¯s the way she felt about it.
ANYA: ¡°Really? Why don¡¯t u read your texts from last night?¡±
ME: ¡°I did, and I don¡¯t think they were hurtful and mean, but I think partying with your friends as if I didn¡¯t exist in your life was. And no, I¡¯m not happy your heart is bleeding. Please tell me how by wanting to be with the woman who dreams of being with me, who wished she belonged to me, is hurting you? Please explain. How have I hurt you over and over by wanting to be with you? The woman I love? I wish you would hurt me that way!¡±
ANYA: ¡°Your threats! Crazy stuff again!¡±
ME: ¡°You call wanting to live an honest life a threat? You call wanting to love you a threat? After all we¡¯ve shared? Really? That¡¯s a threat?¡±
ANYA: ¡°You know what I mean! You know my situation! You know what I¡¯m faced with!¡±
ME: ¡°You knew your situation better than I did. You have ruined me by doing so. Completely. Loving me the way you have loved me and not even knowing? I can understand not knowing right now but not even knowing is what pains me. THAT is mean. Sorry, I do respect your situation and I can understand how you could feel those are threats, but you can¡¯t look at it that way if you think I¡¯m blowing anything. I¡¯m not going to do anything crazy. I just can¡¯t believe you would leave me hanging like this. I don¡¯t want to ever hurt you, but I need you to be honest with me. I need to know the truth. I only have love in my heart. Throw my thingie away if you hate me that much to return it. If you want to be with me one day then tell me what I need to do to make that happen because you certainly knew when you first met me. I am crazy in love with you, but I am not crazy. I¡¯m a good man. I know and respected your situation for the last fifteen months more than any man who feels what I feel for you would. I¡¯ll calm down. I just want to be with the woman I love one day. That¡¯s all.¡±
ANYA: ¡°I¡¯m sorry if I¡¯ve ruined you. I¡¯m ruined too but I don¡¯t completely look at it that way. I¡¯ve learned, felt, grown so much by you love. I didn¡¯t want a thing as representative of a promise ring. I told you it could be just a string to remind me of you and to keep close to my heart. You¡¯re acting like I did something horrible and different. I¡¯m still me. You know my situation. What ¡°truth¡± are you talking about? You know everything. I thought SD would be a fun time for us and it was going to be ok afterwards. I did ¡°it¡± b/c I wanted to and wanted u to experience it. Are u sorry you did? Sorry.¡±
ME: ¡°It¡¯s not just ¡°it¡±. It¡¯s everything I share with you. I was fine with SD but when you shut down on me last night, and didn¡¯t tell me about your Bunko gathering, it shook me up. You share the lives of your children with me, something that makes me fall deeper in love with you, then you pit me against them. Why? Why is being happy selfish when the unhappiness is brought on by infidelity and a gross disrespect? I don¡¯t understand, especially after SD, why you¡¯re still willing to share a bed with him and by doing so accepting his love. That¡¯s what I need to know the truth about. Why do you still do that when you have me? And babe, I think me being ruined is a bit different than your view of it because you haven¡¯t lost a thing. I have no one, but you still do.¡±
ANYA: ¡°No way! Ur not blaming this on me, ¡°shutting down¡±! I did not shut down. The other nite I had a long day and I just wanted to get in bed and be quiet. If you¡¯re telling me I was wrong in sharing my kids then I¡¯m sorry. I wanted to share with you the most important thing in my life. I should have kept them away. To think that all this time I thought I was doing the right thing really was the wrong thing. I have no one too. Ur just not listening anymore.¡±
ME: ¡°Your kids are your ¡°everything¡±, but you¡¯re my¡± everything¡±. That¡¯s why this is tougher on me and why I feel ruined. Why would you pit them against me babe if you felt me knowing about the most important thing in your life was the right thing? That¡¯s all I¡¯m asking. U asked me one time if I would choose u over my mom and I¡¯d choose both. I¡¯m talking about shutting down on me last night. It was ok when you shut down on me the night before after the baseball game. I understood that. It was last night that hurt. Nope. You have me. U won¡¯t ever have no one.¡±
ANYA: ¡°I didn¡¯t shut down on you. Why do u keep saying that? You don¡¯t understand I¡¯m afraid to hurt the kids. You have me in some form but you¡¯re making it too hard. Now the pressure is on again. Something you said you wouldn¡¯t do again. And you¡¯re not comparing apples to apples. If your mom was asked to choose between her kids or happiness, she¡¯d choose her kids (Sacrifice). Same with my mom.¡±
ME: ¡°Babe, you made that analogy, not me. You compared your choice with your kids to mine with my mom versus you, and I agree, it is like comparing an apple to an orange. I do understand you¡¯re afraid to hurt the kids, but you never told me on the night we met, that you were still there because you were afraid to hurt the kids. You told me something completely different and it allowed and encouraged me to be here. It took me months until I learned of a mother¡¯s sacrifice. You need to understand that because it¡¯s why I struggle to understand although I respect it. You should have told me about a mother¡¯s sacrifice when we met and before we decided to pursue a relationship. You had 5 whole months to do so before we reconnected yet you didn¡¯t until after you knew I loved you. That¡¯s not fair, and I hope you can understand that if you want me to understand anything.¡±
Anya¡¯s argument of a mother choosing her kids over her happiness also failed to take into consideration Jackson¡¯s infidelities, as it almost felt like she was never cheated on, and I found that disturbing more than anything she said to me. She also forgot the fact she did choose her happiness; the night she chose to pursue a relationship with me. If she ever believed this could hurt her kids, she never had the right to ever allow or encourage us to fall in love in the first place. For some reason, it seemed she did me a favor of some kind by allowing me to fall in love with her, a far cry from any semblance of the woman I first met. I didn¡¯t know this Anya at all. She told me Lance left her because she had kids. The way she presented to me, I started to believe it was indeed true, but she got it backwards. Lance did leave her because she had kids, but it was because she told him, the same thing she told me, after she allowed and encouraged him to fall in love with her, that mother¡¯s make sacrifices for their children. I didn¡¯t see her nobility in her sacrifice, but actually her stupidity simply because of all she shared with me. Little did I know the night I met Anya, the politician she became under her husband¡¯s tutelage gave her spins on half-truths, like Bill Clinton¡¯s did when he told the world he didn¡¯t have ¡°relations¡± with Monica Lewinsky. Anya¡¯s selective amnesia troubled me greatly as she failed to take into consideration all she did that led me here, as she seemed to absolve herself from all responsibility for our relationship and its current emotional level, but instead put the onus completely on me. That I was the one who chose this. That he gave me all the information I needed to make this decision. As if I was the one who approached her at Sonomas. That it was I who chose to ask for her number. Who chose to call, hours after we met, to set up a meeting. That it was I who chose to tell her she broke my heart when we reconnected. That I never walked away from her because she was married. That I was the one who chose to ask her to fight for me. Anya not only lived in denial about her situation, but also how about our relationship came into existence. If she planned to let me go, I wanted to acknowledge the truth how this happened and a real apology, not one she sprinkled here and there to pacify me. Just when I thought her denial could get any more outrageous, she then texted me a flat out lie, one that put my back against a wall.
ANYA: ¡°I think I was diff in that I was willing to give it a chance even though I didn¡¯t know for sure what I was going to do hence ¡°no promises¡±.
ME: ¡°And that¡¯s why I asked you what I needed to do in order to get a promise and you told me that all I needed to do was sweep you off your feet. Not trying to downplay your fear of hurting your kids, but you told me what I needed to do to get a promise, and well, I think I¡¯ve done what you required me to do.¡±
ANYA: ¡°What now Landyn? I don¡¯t want to keep fighting with you. I love you. You know I never set out to hurt you. What now.¡±
I had a memory like an elephant when it came to what led me here, I never forgot. Her text only confirmed her denial of how we happened, but she seemed to resign to the truth when I laid it out for her, as she could never forget her ¡°sweep me off my feet¡± requirement of me. I just couldn¡¯t believe half the texts she sent me, as I didn¡¯t feel her love within them at all. Our exchange though only left me more emotionally distraught and mentally exhausted as we lobbed accusations back and forth. I couldn¡¯t even be sold on her ¡°you know I never meant to hurt you¡± text, because she always knew what she was faced with yet withheld it for me until after I fell deeply in love with her, as I had to learn her life on the fly. Now I had to deal with neighbor parties, while she had a blast surrounded by love and friends, while she stole my very soul with her half-truths while I found myself surrounded by four walls that aimed to crush me. The problem was I loved her too and I wanted to find a way past this somehow, someway. Even if this woman tried to murder me, I¡¯d probably blame myself before I blamed her; that¡¯s how much she meant to me. With my career now on the line, and my very life, I couldn¡¯t afford to go back into the world with no one, so I tried to smooth things out.
ME: ¡°If you give so much of yourself, the way you have given yourself to me, then it¡¯s not unreasonable for me to believe you would lean towards trying to find a way to make things work. I don¡¯t want to lose you or give up just like that, especially after Saturday night. I love you way too much. The way you¡¯ve loved me; I know for a fact you want to be with me. I know you do.¡±
ANYA: ¡°The anger, fighting and pressure doesn¡¯t help. Believe me.¡±
ME: ¡°This isn¡¯t anger driven by hatred, babe. It¡¯s a lot of frustration. If you can be on this side of the fence, you¡¯d understand this a lot better. The heavy emotions make it hard to present my side to you in a way you¡¯d find fair. I understand that, but there are a lot of emotions here, mostly those I¡¯m unfamiliar with. I¡¯m trying the best I can but your mixed feelings don¡¯t help as well. Just being honest with you.¡±
ANYA: ¡°I know this sounds crazy. As angry as I was with you. I long to kiss you, hold you, and be in bed with you. Dying inside.¡±
ME: ¡°All I want to do is love you. Not give you a hard time.¡±
ANYA: ¡°I know. It¡¯s no picnic on my end.¡±
ME: ¡°I know. Is it ok we just drop it? I don¡¯t want to argue with you.¡±
ANYA: ¡°Ok? Of course! I don¡¯t either.¡±
After this morning conversation, I called into work to let them know I would be in late. Even after our emotional discussion, I felt focused enough to get some work done, but when I opened my email upon my arrival, I received a nasty one from Jerry. He complained that I hadn¡¯t reviewed some of the workpapers so he could review and sign off on the binder to close it out. I understood Jerry¡¯s anger as I completely dropped the ball on it as it was a task I needed to do last night for him. With the stress and pressure unlike any I had felt before, along with a relationship that prevailed over my mind and my mother¡¯s cancer mixed in as well, I had to talk myself out of walking out on the firm for the first time ever. Was any of this worth it? I wouldn¡¯t have to attend the symposium and face Jackson if I quit. I got up from my chair and found myself as I stared out my window at the freeway and life below. I remembered the feeling I had months ago when I felt life couldn¡¯t be more beautiful. Everyone struggled at times and life wasn¡¯t always perfect or even fair. It would never have a chance to be fair if I were to give up. How many times had Anya proven me wrong in the past? When I thought she was through with us, she showed me more love than ever. San Diego, was a perfect example of that, her resolve. I had to keep it together otherwise she won¡¯t be able to. I had to be stronger for her and here was a chance to do that. Our problems was an opportunity to grow our love, not to end it. If I quit the firm, and not respond to this challenge, I¡¯d never have a chance at this again. I¡¯d be working from the ground up again. After I pulled through, I responded to Jerry¡¯s email in a professional manner, I apologized and then told him I would review the file over the next few hours so he could sign off before the end of the day. In all my years with the firm, all eight of them, and even during busy season, I never came in late, not a single time until this day. I didn¡¯t think anyone took a tally on that but me, but little did I know my tardiness had raised a red flag with other members of the firm.
At lunch, Anya sent me a thoughtful text to see how I was, a gesture I greatly appreciated that remined me why I cared so much and was sensitive to all and everything she did.
ME: ¡°I¡¯m ok. I miss you. I only love you.¡±
ANYA: ¡°I miss you too. I only love you too.¡±
I then felt this sudden great fear wash over me. And not just my usually fear, but rather my greatest fear; the fear of losing her as I tried to atone for my loss of emotional control from the night before and during the morning.
ME: ¡°I¡¯m sorry for the hurtful things I texted to you last night. You have nothing to fear about me loving you freely. I know I can¡¯t do that and I won¡¯t. I¡¯ll admit there¡¯s a part of me that would like him to feel the anger you feel and to suffer the way you do at those games. I¡¯m sorry for hurting you over and over too. It¡¯s not my intent to ever hurt you. If I wasn¡¯t in love with you, I just wouldn¡¯t care. It just wasn¡¯t like you not to text me last night so I thought you shut down on me and there was something you weren¡¯t telling me. It just got the best of me. For the millionth time I¡¯m sorry. Also, it just wasn¡¯t ¡°it¡±. It was the beauty of you, the ¡°thingie¡±, us being together for a longer period of time than we usually are and the entire night. I¡¯d feel the same way if there wasn¡¯t an ¡°it¡± moment, even if it did make it a little more special. Anyway, I just wanted to apologize again. I¡¯m going through a lot and you¡¯re the only good part of my life right now. It scared me last night because after Saturday, I can¡¯t stand the thought of feeling like I¡¯m losing you. I¡¯m very sorry.¡±
Anya didn¡¯t respond before my lunch ended, as I had to get back to work to finish my review of the client audit binder for Jerry. About ten minutes later, however, Anya sent me a text that rendered her verdict.
ANYA: ¡°Thank you for all the texts and apologies. I know you¡¯re going through a lot and I¡¯m sorry. Unfortunately, I can only take so much and this was the icing. I need time. We¡¯ve been through this road a million times. My friends are worried about me and are really questioning my sanity to keep going in circles. This time was really tough. It¡¯s going to take awhile.¡±
I read her text but couldn¡¯t respond as I couldn¡¯t afford any more distractions from work. Even though I felt her friends didn¡¯t know the truth as to why she kept going in circles, more importantly the truth about Jackson, the only choice I had was the understand and respect her decision. I then buried my head in my hands, and for the first time ever, did something I never did at work before; I took a Vicodin. As I ran my hands through my hair one more time, I stared at my computer¡¯s mouse in quiet contemplation. How would I handle her need for time? How much time will she need? Will she ever come around? What did her friends actually know? As all these questions swam in my head, I suddenly heard my office door close. When I looked up, Kevin Kash threw himself in the chair before me.
¡°Hey Land. Is somethin¡¯ troubling you?¡± he asked.
¡°It¡¯s that obvious, huh?¡± I responded as I forced a smile.
¡°Well, it¡¯s just I¡¯ve never seen you walk in late before.¡± he said. ¡°I overheard Jerry from all the way down the hall, yellin¡¯ your name and havin¡¯ a coronary about a still open audit binder. I thought I¡¯d come over and check on you.¡±
¡°To be honest with you Kev, things aren¡¯t going very well for me right now.¡± I confided.
¡°What do you mean ¡°not going very well¡± for you?¡±
¡°I¡¯m getting hit pretty hard by some things in my personal life right now, and I¡¯m really struggling to find a work life balance to deal with them. This is such an important time for the firm, I can¡¯t afford to deal with them at a time the firm really needs me to be focused. It feels like I¡¯m winging it, just trying to get through the day, but I feel like I¡¯m on the verge of losing everything I¡¯ve worked so hard for.¡±
¡°What¡¯s happening, specifically?¡±
¡°Anya and I are having problems.¡± I said.
¡°What¡¯s the issue?¡±
¡°She doesn¡¯t know if she¡¯ll leave her husband.¡± I said. ¡°We¡¯ve been together for almost sixteen months now. I could understand this if we only dated for sixteen days but even after all we¡¯ve shared? She still doesn¡¯t know.¡±
¡°Did you ever really think she was?¡± he asked with a hint of disbelief in his voice. ¡°After all, she is Jackson Caiaphas¡¯s wife.¡±
¡°We¡¯ve shared a lot, Kev. We spent a night together in San Diego this past weekend. We¡¯ve had a pregnancy scare just four months ago. I even went to her daughter¡¯s ballet recital she invited me to. There are a lot that¡¯s been said, been shown, that¡¯s happened between us.¡± I responded. ¡°So yes, I thought she would¡¯ve given me at least a promise to leave him by now. I think it¡¯s not only decent, but also the right thing to do. We¡¯re in a full-blown relationship here. We love each other and I want her to choose an honest life and not keep living a dishonest one.¡±
¡°Why don¡¯t you just break up with her?¡± he said. ¡°If she loves you, she won¡¯t be able to take it.¡±
¡°I wish it were that easy, Kev. A crazy as that sounds, it would kill me. We¡¯ve shared so much that we¡¯ve made it nearly impossible to quit each other.¡± I said. ¡°How can you walk away from something you know is a once in a lifetime chance?¡±
Kevin looked at me as if something else entered his mind, as I waited for his counterpunch.
¡°Easier said than done, huh?¡± he added.
¡°It¡¯s one of those things you have to be submerged in to understand.¡±
¡°What if this gets back to Clyde? What if Jackson finds out and tells him?¡± he asked. ¡°You know how conservative the firm is.¡±
¡°I¡¯ve considered that consequence, but I think it has the potential to ruin his political career if he ever did.¡± I said.
¡°How so?¡±
¡°His image and ego mean too much to him. I don¡¯t think he¡¯d want anyone to find out about his marital improprieties.¡± I said. ¡°I think he¡¯d have more to lose than to gain by doing that.¡±
¡°I don¡¯t know. I think you¡¯re playing with fire, Land.¡± he said. ¡°You could serious lose all you¡¯ve worked for. Don¡¯t you care? Doesn¡¯t the partnership mean that much to you?¡±
¡°I care, Kev. I care a lot. I¡¯ve worked so hard to be partner here. It¡¯s been my dream up until I met Anya. Even though I need the partnership, our love means more to me now.¡± I said. ¡°and if I lose it, I¡¯ll never be in the position to succeed anyway. If I lose her, if I lose this love, I would¡¯ve already lost all I¡¯ve ever wanted.¡±
Kevin just shook his head and looked at me incredulously at what I revealed. I knew he couldn¡¯t fathom my stance, that I¡¯d be willing to put a near million dollar a year position, the same one he wanted so badly, on the line for love. I realize most people would take his side, but they didn¡¯t know me. Everyone talked about love, even claimed to be in it, but no one truly believed in its power and magic more than I did. Only those who believed in love like I did, knew without it--they were doomed. Everyone talked a big game, but nobody played one. Or maybe they were just lucky enough that love never eluded them, like it seemed to always elude me.
After Kevin bore witness to my public display of despair, I also updated him on my mother, another huge reason for my struggles. When he left, I felt focused enough to finish the rest of the workday without further feelings of leaving the partner position on the table.
When my workday kindly ended, I texted Anya to ask her a question.
ME: ¡°Can I ask you why you didn¡¯t text me last night? I¡¯m not being argumentative. Is it because you told Carolyn and Debbie you stopped seeing me?¡±
ANYA: ¡°I went to a neighbor¡¯s St. Patty¡¯s party and I helped out and couldn¡¯t get away. I don¡¯t want to talk about it anymore! So if I don¡¯t text u something is wrong?¡±
I felt Anya¡¯s response seemed bizarre to such a simple question. She never even told me about the St. Patrick¡¯s party in Saturday night, something she just usually did. If this St. Patty¡¯s day party was really no big deal, why did she tell me it was a Bunko party instead of a St. Patrick¡¯s Day party? Why couldn¡¯t she really get away? Was it because Jackson was with her? For the first time, I saw how my feelings weren¡¯t as farfetched or as out of line as she wanted them to be.
ME: ¡°Your friends, unfortunately, don¡¯t know the whole story. Yes, I felt something could be wrong because you always text me. Don¡¯t you miss me? Not to mention you told me it was a ¡°Bunko Party¡±.¡±
ANYA: ¡°No they don¡¯t, but they know our arguments and they know my pain with you. My neighbors are Bunko people. They¡¯re the same. If you¡¯re trying to catch me in a lie then good luck cuz I always tell u the truth! This Friday is the real Bunko gathering which I¡¯m hosting. Anything else?¡±
It surprised me to learn she shared our arguments with her friends. I guess she needed to talk about it, but I wondered how it was presented to them as it would seem to explain why they never said ¡°hi¡± to me anymore. Her parties with these sudden ¡°bunko friends¡± made me feel like she didn¡¯t miss me at all. Here, I thought she struggled, and had to be there for Katie and Andrew, but I learned she was partying with friends instead. It just felt like she was having a blast at the expense of my heart. It seemed to be all fun and games for her while I¡¯d never be the same again. She was only honest when she knew she couldn¡¯t be dishonest. Still ¡°Bunko party¡± and ¡°Bunko people¡± was much different than a St. Patrick¡¯s Day party. A Bunko party entailed some drinking but a St. Patrick¡¯s Day party was all about drinking.
ME: ¡°Nevermind. I¡¯ll see you on Friday.¡±
ANYA: ¡°Friday?¡±
ME: ¡°Yes for Bunko. Just kidding. I just don¡¯t think it¡¯s right u get angry at me for loving or wanting to be with you after I thought you were shutting me out. I have that right emotionally.¡±
ANYA: ¡°I thought after your Bday moment you were not going to do that anymore. I don¡¯t get mad at you for wanting to be with me. It¡¯s the way you get angry and the things you say.¡±
I had to agree with her response, but at times, my emotions and frustration got the best at me, especially when I felt she dismissed my emotions as just something I should be able to handle. I didn¡¯t have the same resources to help with my sadness that she did. If she ever got sad, she just went to a party, and in my mind, whenever she did that, she never gave herself any incentives to leave Jackson. If Jackson gave her the life of a single person in their marriage, why would she want to leave? After she allowed and encouraged me to feel so much, I found it criminal of her to do, especially with Jackson in tow along with the facade. I felt after our night together in San Diego, not to mention everything else we¡¯ve shared over the last fifteen plus months, nothing I said to her should ever scare her if she ever had real plans to be with me. She could easily talk me out of any ¡°threat¡± situation. She knew what she had to do, and it wasn¡¯t even about giving me a promise too, although it¡¯s what I needed and wanted. It made me sick to my stomach to think, it seemed at times she saw her sacrifice of her happiness as if she just fell out of love with her husband; as if his infidelities were all just water under the bridge after she made me a huge part of her life. The worst thing about it all, now it seemed to inspire bipolar type behavior from me as I seemed to be going mad just trying to convince her to leave.
ME: ¡°I¡¯m just so sad. What r u up to?¡±
ANYA: ¡°I¡¯m sorry. Hebrew school, dance, baseball, dinner and school project for Andrew. The usual.¡±
After I read her ¡°the usual¡± text, I decided to succumb to my sadness as what I said was done. As frustrated as she left me, and how unfair I felt she was, I also couldn¡¯t blame her for the way she had to handle this. She didn¡¯t view loving her freely as an act of love, but as a threat that would hurt her kids. She had to understand after Saturday, she just couldn¡¯t disappear and act differently around me. That¡¯s going to make me feel she played a game with my heart and emotions enough to believe she didn¡¯t respect me. Her reaction to my ¡°threats¡± was because she felt I didn¡¯t respect her situation, when in reality, it was in essence the same reaction I felt upon her vanishing act after Saturday night as she didn¡¯t respect my situation at all. I know she faced a lot, but if what she faced meant so much to her, she should have never allowed and encouraged me to be in her life the way I was. I was now faced with something just as destructive too. The end of my career. The end of a chance at love again. If she refused to respect what I faced, how could she expect me to respect what she did? She wouldn¡¯t lose money to survive, if she stayed, but I would lose my livelihood. My job was mental, not one of a physical nature. It would be equivalent to working down at the docks as a longshoreman with two broken arms. That¡¯s what I was faced with, and she needed to understand how far she brought me and what it left me to face. Of course, I respected her situation. I never wanted her kids to know about even their father¡¯s infidelities, and I despised him. She had to understand too though, I faced the loss of a near million dollar a year job and all the years I put in the time to get here, and all that lost time. I truly felt, she had a lot more to gain than to lose, even if she stayed. I¡¯m sure she faced some criticism, but she didn¡¯t face any real loss, like I did. I just couldn¡¯t tell her what I was faced with, and that made this even harder.
After I read her text, I felt this was a legitimate dead horse that didn¡¯t need any further beating, as I decided to call it a night, but before I did, Anya sent me a text.
ANYA: ¡°I love you.¡±
ME: ¡°I love you so much.¡±
ANYA: ¡°I¡¯m sorry for everything.¡±
ME: ¡°You¡¯re a heartbreaker. I should have known. I don¡¯t know what I did to deserve this.¡±
ANYA: ¡°Not my intent¡I don¡¯t deserve u. U don¡¯t deserve any of this. You¡¯re an angel.¡±
ME: ¡°I¡¯m sorry, my emotions just got the best of me. I shouldn¡¯t have texted you that. I¡¯m here now though, whether you intended to or not, whether you think I didn¡¯t deserve this, you still allowed and encouraged me to be in your life. There¡¯s a real reason why you couldn¡¯t help it. I just need you to think about that, and I think you do deserve me. You deserve happiness, and you know what? I haven¡¯t been perfect either, babe.¡±
ANYA: ¡°You¡¯re perfect.¡±
ME: ¡°I¡¯m not perfect. I know I¡¯ve hurt you too. We¡¯re both faced with some things here, but over time, I think we can reconcile them if we love eachother. R u bummed out we didn¡¯t talk on the phone?¡±
ANYA: ¡°A little.¡±
ME: ¡°I just didn¡¯t want to argue over the phone. I hate it. I hate arguing. I miss your voice.¡±
ANYA: ¡°I understand. Let¡¯s put it to rest.¡±
ME: ¡°All b/c you don¡¯t want to hurt the kids doesn¡¯t mean you don¡¯t deserve me. You¡¯re the only one who has ever deserved me. We deserve each other. You¡¯re right, let¡¯s put it to rest. Goodnight.¡±
I never heard back from her, even to just say goodnight, as it ended one of the most, if not the most, tumultuous day of our relationship, if we could still call it one. For the first time, I didn¡¯t feel like a sane man, as if I jumped off a bridge with no way to reverse the course of my action. After this tussle to understand each other, I feared our love would never be the same as I appeared to learn, even after our night in San Diego just two days earlier, she had no intent to make a promise to me. That her judgment, even to her friends, had been passed upon me. No matter what I did, no matter how deeply I loved and cared for her, I wasn¡¯t good enough for her to leave a man who did nothing but dishonor and shame her. After all the love I showed her, and all the reasons Jackson showed her my love was worth having, it seemed she planned to stay and protect the family name. For some reason, she now saw her marriage as one of those in which a spouse just fell out of love, and stuck it out for the long haul. The problem was, a spouse who made that sacrifice because they fell out of love had brought another heart into the equation. She told me in San Diego, she needed love in her life. She never told me she needed me in her life, but rather she just needed love. She proved it even further when she felt the need to party with her neighbors, on St. Patrick¡¯s Day, rather than see if the device she used to fill her need for love needed her. She didn¡¯t live in my solitude so she could never see how it made me feel. Yet she wanted nothing less than complete understanding from me in regards to her daily life I never truly saw, otherwise, her love for me was ready to let me go. She had what she needed, Jackson¡¯s money, and the trust of her children. As long as she remained with Jackson, she could only be a perceived role model for her kids, but never a true one, whether she was with me or with someone else.
That night I couldn¡¯t sleep as I wondered what the world would be like without hope. First, she stole my heart, then stole my hope, and now my life. I felt like a fly caught in her web, something she created without my knowledge to feed her need for love. She didn¡¯t kill this fly instantly though, she kept me wrapped up for later and slow consumption. I couldn¡¯t believe my Anya, told me ¡°what¡± when I asked her for a promise rather than something like ¡°I can¡¯t promise you right now¡± or something to that effect. After San Diego, after she performed fellatio on me, a promise was the furthest thing from her mind. I had to find a way to get her to see where I stood. I needed her to understand how I felt, as I needed even her friends to understand how I felt especially, when she presented Carolyn and Debbie her side of things without them knowing the truth about Jackson. The real reason why she went in circles with me. I feared they got the impression we went in circles because she just fell out of love with Jackson, when I never would¡¯ve been a part of her life if he hadn¡¯t cheated on her and treated her with continued disrespect afterwards. It bothered me deeply, that he woman who claimed to love me, made me out to be the kind of man who would hurt a good husband, who she just fell out of love with. Anya, with that lie to her friends, even though I could understand on some level why she didn¡¯t tell them, made it seem in their eyes I had no respect for the institution of marriage whatsoever. That she would put me out there to be a homewrecker, and was thoughtless about the idea of family, when I walked away from her initially. As she slept the night away, probably after she had sex with her husband, I composed a text to her.
ME: ¡°Can¡¯t sleep. I was thinking about your convos with C&D and I have to let you know my concerns. I don¡¯t think they can fully understand where I am coming from. I¡¯m concerned that they are seeing it seems like Landyn doesn¡¯t understand Anya doesn¡¯t want to hurt her kids and that¡¯s not true at all. I do understand that. The reason for my ¡°craziness¡± is simply this. I was told your husband cheated on you 4 times. It is the sole reason I am here. I was told you never kiss the man nor tell him that you love him. To me, I thought that you couldn¡¯t stand him b/c of it. So since my parents used to sleep in different rooms as I grew older due to them not getting along at times, I thought especially with the history of cheating and apparent disgust and resentment, the same easily applied here. I had no idea you were still engaging in sex with him knowing what you have told me. I was shocked. The problem was I found this out after I was already deeply in love with you and even led to believe that wasn¡¯t happening. I felt there was just no way if you were seeing me and it disgusted you so much that you wouldn¡¯t kiss the man, that you were engaging in sex with him. With that said, that is the source of my pain and craziness. After Sat night it has become a very painful thing and I just wanted to find a way for that to stop hence the crazy things. I guarantee you this. You would feel the same way if you were me. So, for the record, C&D simply cannot begin to understand my position b/c they don¡¯t know the source of my craziness so how can they possibly give you sound unbiased advice? I just think if they knew this they would better understand why I act and say the things I do and why we run in circles. It just seems to me they think I¡¯m nuts and I don¡¯t think that¡¯s fair. I feel I have every right to lose it once in a while. I just hope it is being communicated to them I do understand you don¡¯t want to hurt your kids. That¡¯s not why we run in circles. I think it makes me look bad if they aren¡¯t getting the whole story. If I lose it, it¡¯s b/c of the reason I mentioned. That¡¯s why I started wondering if I was being told the truth. That¡¯s all.¡±
I knew this was an email Anya wouldn¡¯t perceive as a present, but she responded early that morning after I finally found the peace enough to sleep.
ANYA: ¡°Good morning. C&D adore you. They don¡¯t think you¡¯re crazy or bad. If anything, they understand you. They say ¡°U can¡¯t get mad at him for feeling the way he feels.¡±. Yes, they don¡¯t know the whole story but what they do know is that we¡¯re in love and we can¡¯t be together. They know you¡¯re hurting and they protect you when I talk. They just don¡¯t want to see us in pain. They know you¡¯re a good guy and they only have respect for you. When I talk to them, I don¡¯t bash you. I just talk about hurting. They understand not wanting to hurt the kids. They know that you understand or you wouldn¡¯t have been this patient. They think you¡¯re a saint. You¡¯re the nicest man I know.¡±
As I read this text, I had mixed feelings. Whenever I heard the word ¡°nice¡± it made me cringe, as again, nice guys always finished last. I didn¡¯t want to be known as a jerk, but I wanted to be somewhere in between as the ¡°nice¡± bit was never appreciated, perceived as a lack of confidence rather than an act of respect. Another part of the text that annoyed me was when she wrote ¡°they know we can¡¯t be together.¡± After all the love you showed me in San Diego, just a couple of days ago, why couldn¡¯t we? She knew I loved her. She knew I needed her. Could she understand how things like this left me to question if she needed and loved me? Why even invite me to San Diego if we couldn¡¯t be together? The truth was, she had told them she chose not to be with me. I would even go as far to say, she did so before she found Katie¡¯s essay, and it killed me inside to even consider that as a real possibility. I wanted to believe in love and that maybe I could still get her to believe in it too, but now I faced a huge obstacle; that her love was never love, but rather an infatuation with being in love again to ease the anger she felt about her husband. Unfortunately, Anya, just like her husband, had no clue what love truly was, nor did they both truly believe in its magic. It left me to believe she not only misrepresented herself to me, but also misled and played me for a fool. All I can do now was hold on for dear life as I hoped she could find a way to prove me wrong. That the necklace she wore, only fulfilled her need to feel loved, and not her need for me.
ME: ¡°Good morning. Thank u. I was worried about that. I¡¯m not saying I¡¯m 100% right about this. I¡¯m just saying they can¡¯t understand where I¡¯m coming from.¡±
ANYA: ¡°They don¡¯t even know everything and they understand what they do know. They always say ¡°It must be so hard on him.¡± Have a good day. I miss you and I love you forever. No matter what I can¡¯t change my love for you. Your presence is all around me living inside of me every second.¡±
ME: ¡°I miss u dearly. I love you forever. I can¡¯t stop loving you. I can¡¯t love anyone else. I¡¯m only yours. I only want to experience things with you. Have a good day.¡±
Her last text gave me a glimmer of hope, that maybe it wasn¡¯t an infatuation, as my heart wanted to believe I had this all wrong and she would prove me wrong. That she truly believed in love and it¡¯s magic as much as I did, and I held out hope against all hope. My mind though, took on Mitch¡¯s identity now, and I faced a wider battle within myself than ever before.
I then headed back to the dreariness and drudgery of work as busy season trudged on. On this particular day I lost focus one again, as I walked to a hidden part of the hallway outside of my firm¡¯s suite so no one could be witness to my internal struggle. I had to up the ante as I took a couple of Vicodin in the morning to help alleviate the stress, pressure and sadness that consumed me. When the drug began to relax me, I walked back in to the office. As I walked by a number of cubicles, it felt like my misery was on full display for all to see, but luckily my coworkers were too busy to pay me any notice. I don¡¯t know why but it felt like everyone knew of my situation, but this love brought instincts in me I never thought I¡¯d exhibit. I didn¡¯t want anyone¡¯s sympathy as this was a situation I chose to be a part of. If I wanted anything, I just wanted people to understand my reasons for being. I feared though, that they would think that being a man, who believed in love like I did, was as irrational a thought any one man could have in this day and age. I feared, considering the circumstances, and all I faced and stood to lose, they could never see my choice as rational.
As the day continued like a requiem, Anya sent me a text later that afternoon just before I took another pill as I hoped her message held the power to stop my self destruction.
ANYA: ¡°Missing you tremendously. I hope you¡¯re holding up ok. I¡¯m still here for you even if we¡¯re not together. I love you so much.¡±
ME: ¡°I love you way too much to lose what we will always have. It doesn¡¯t matter if we are together now or not. I am missing you tremendously too. How¡¯s your day going, babe?¡±
ANYA: ¡°Ok just missing u. Running around getting stuff ready for Bunko. How¡¯s ur day?¡±
ME: ¡°Just missing you too. Going through busy season burnout. Is there anything special that goes into a Bunko party?¡±
ANYA: ¡°Well technically no but b/c I¡¯m a freak I got into the Spring/Easter decoration mood. So, I¡¯m planning around that theme. Time consuming.¡±
ME: ¡°I figured you would turn it into a project. I love that about you.¡±
ANYA: ¡°Thank you. I love you, you know.¡±
ME: ¡°Thank you. I love everything about you.¡±
ANYA: ¡°Thank u. I love everything about you too. I know you get angry b/c u love me. You wouldn¡¯t care if u didn¡¯t love me. Hang in there at work. You¡¯re almost there.¡±
Her concession about my anger, out of frustration not hatred, made me feel better as I put the pill back in my pocket. I loved her. I¡¯d do anything for her. She broke my heart by not knowing and it was the toughest thing to understand. My emotions got the best of me and I didn¡¯t know how else to reach her. She had to know though how much I trusted in her love as I decided the time came to show her exactly how much I did trust in her love.
ME: ¡°Thank u babe. I really do. I have a confession to make to you. I¡¯ll try to tell you about it later tonight when I get out of here. I wanted to tell you on Saturday but I got distracted for some reason. I love you.¡±
ANYA: ¡°Ok. Is it bad? I love you.¡±
When she asked if it was bad, made me wonder if she put on a show for me like she did her kids. That she considered us together, even when we couldn¡¯t be. If she worried my confession could hurt her, it gave me a confidence in her feelings for me that perhaps I was a need, and not solely love. That she was just playing it ¡°cool¡± and she felt differently than she acted.
ME: ¡°No, babe. At least I don¡¯t think so.¡±
ANYA: ¡°Why can¡¯t you tell me now?¡±
ME: ¡°I have to get back to work. It¡¯s nothing to worry about, babe. I promise. Just something I would like for you to know. I think it¡¯s time to share it with you.¡±
ANYA: ¡°Ok¡±
When I didn¡¯t see a period at the end of ¡°ok¡±, some kind of emotion had to be behind that, whether fear, anger or sadness. I the regretted this information I gave her as I didn¡¯t mean to leave her in suspense as I could tell she feared the worst. I honestly didn¡¯t know how she would handle what I told her and just needed some more time to make sure I presented it the best way possible. How would she react? It could go either way, horribly wrong or beautifully right. I planned to text her the moment I got home because I knew it would create a discussion afterwards, and I wanted to be available to respond to any questions or fears she had, but she texted me before I could reach my car in the office parking lot when I left the office.
ANYA: ¡°Ok so I¡¯m dying to hear your confession!¡±
ME: ¡°I told my mom about us. My mom¡¯s known for a long time actually. She knows only of our love for each other, not all we¡¯ve shared. No intimate details of course. She also knows about the situation. She respects you and she knows how much you care for me and love me.¡±
ANYA: ¡°She knows my situation?¡±
Her response was the reason why I wanted to wait until I got home, so I could make sure I responded appropriately. She didn¡¯t know my mother didn¡¯t have a prejudice or judgmental bone in her body, and if she did, she was always open minded towards everything.
ME: ¡°She doesn¡¯t judge you and sides with you. Of course, she would like to see us get together but she understands your situation. So, that wedding dream with my mom being happy would be accurate. She would be happy for us.¡±
ANYA: ¡°Was she shocked?¡±
ME: ¡°Well, being religious, she was at first, but I explained your situation and unhappiness to her and she understands how you feel. I talk to her like you talk to C&D. In fact, she¡¯s a lot like them. I never talk to her when I¡¯m upset about things. If I struggle, she only helps me to see things through your eyes better. She knows what you¡¯ve gone through and she knows I only associate myself with good people.¡±
ANYA: ¡°I don¡¯t know what to think. I have only respect for your mom cuz of the person you are but afraid she might think less of me cuz of my situation. Nervous stomach.¡±
ME: ¡°I would¡¯ve never told you if she thought any less of you. She knows how happy you make me, and I stay away from the house when I¡¯m sad. But I couldn¡¯t hide the smile from her that you¡¯ve put on my face. It was too easy for her to notice something was different about me because my happiness went missing for years before I met you. I won¡¯t let her see or know I¡¯m down when I am. Just like every relationship, it has a chance of working out or not. She¡¯s like C&D minus them knowing the intimacy we¡¯ve shared. Nothing to be nervous about.¡±
My mom sided with Anya half the time, if not most of the time, I talked with her about our struggles. If it wasn¡¯t for my mother, and her bible verses and advice, I would never have been able to share this with Anya. I truly believed in my purpose in this situation, and the goodness I brought into it. I shared this with my mother because I loved Anya, and my mother needed to know what made me smile again. I could never lie to my mother, as I awaited Anya¡¯s verdict about it.
ANYA: ¡°Actually I¡¯m kinda glad u told her. I¡¯d want her to know you¡¯ve found what most people search for in a lifetime. I¡¯d want her to be at peace with your happiness.¡±
After every disagreement we ever had, the thing I loved most about Anya, is she usually searched within herself to see my side of things. The last thing I wanted to do as to let my frustrations out, but I had an honest nature. This dishonest situation was foreign to me, as I was honest even to a fault. I knew only honesty could bring her in my arms forever, and she deserved my honesty. During our argument, Anya stood in there. She stood in the ring with me and took every shot and even fired countered with shots of her own, shots I maybe even deserved. We both held our ground, but I¡¯m glad she also fought within herself to see if she could meet me halfway. That made me feel like I mattered to her, and that all I felt mattered, as she gave her attention to it fully. She didn¡¯t run, she responded to every text, whether I liked what I heard or not. I respected her for that, and I loved her even more for it, as badly as it hurt, or how much it made me wheels spin in my head even more. I wanted her to feel safe enough to challenge me on anything. She could humble me any time because that¡¯s how we built our relationship. That¡¯s how we would build trust, but more than anything, I wanted her to prove me wrong because I didn¡¯t want to be right about any one of my negative emotions. Each time we argued, I always learned it opened her heart more to me, as often times, I just needed her attention. To just know, I was in her life even if we compared apples to mangoes.
ANYA: ¡°Ok, so does this mean I can tell you to say hi to her when you¡¯re visiting? Jk! Ur dad knows too I¡¯m sure.¡±
ME: ¡°Haha! Babe, she¡¯s actually gotten everyone of your ¡°hi¡¯s¡±. My mom asks me all the time ¡°How¡¯s Anya?¡± and says ¡°Tell her I said hi¡± when you text me when I¡¯m over so yes, you can if you wanted to! My dad doesn¡¯t know. He¡¯s too judgmental and old fashioned. Thanks for understanding. I love you.¡±
ANYA: ¡°Really? I can¡¯t believe she¡¯s known for all this time! What u said earlier makes total sense. When u said U don¡¯t tell her when ur down cuz every relationship goes thru ups and downs whether it works out or not. You seem so mature at times though you have your moments. Ha!¡±
ME: ¡°Don¡¯t they though? Every relationship is like that.¡±
ANYA: ¡°I guess for the most part.¡±
ME: ¡°Haha! You would know better than anyone about my moments!¡±
ANYA: ¡°Uh that¡¯s for sure! Does your mom know everything about me? Sorry for all the questions. I¡¯m just still shocked.¡±
ME: ¡°Not everything. Just the basics. It broke my heart to see your text ¡°my heart is bleeding¡±. I hate myself for that.¡±
ANYA: ¡°Don¡¯t say that. It was brutal though.¡±
ME: ¡°I know.¡±
ANYA: ¡°R u glad u told her?¡±
ME: ¡°I couldn¡¯t hide it from her babe. She knows me too well.¡±
ANYA: ¡°Ok good. I¡¯m tickled!¡±
ME: ¡°That makes me feel better! I¡¯m glad I finally told you.¡±
ANYA: ¡°Me too! Why did u wait so long?¡±
ME: ¡°I was afraid of what you might think, but when you told me to tell her you loved her for having me, it gave me the courage to tell you.¡±
ANYA: ¡°I¡¯m glad you did. I love you.¡±
ME: ¡°I love you too. Thanks for understanding.¡±
For a man who always felt his birth was unwanted by my father, Anya¡¯s words held the greatest weight. In her defense, she had to deal with my low self-esteem when it emerged at times. I always believed someone¡¯s love for me, like Anya¡¯s, and my love for them would eventually erase the memory of my failures with women that caused it. However, this relationship at times exacerbated those feelings of low self-worth at those times when similarities brought them forward--a scar still embedded in my unconscious mind as I felt rejected by nearly every woman I ever cared or wanted to care for.
The next morning brought silence from her as I feared my confession, the more she thought about it, may have scared her off. I then reached out to her.
ME: ¡°Hope you¡¯re not mad at me.¡±
ANYA: ¡°About?¡±
ME: ¡°About anything.¡±
ANYA: ¡°Still unsettled from SD and days afterwards. I told u this was going to take awhile. I admit it really shook me up. I¡¯m ok.¡±
Anya¡¯s mixed feelings derailed me every time as I didn¡¯t expect to hear she was still unsettled after San Diego. I couldn¡¯t blame her though after my emotional display a few nights earlier and the way I put her love to the test, a way she viewed as threatening, as I tried to explain myself further to her about why it happened.
ME: ¡°You have loved me in such a way, I only think it¡¯s reasonable to be with me. I fell in love with you not for the sake of falling in love just to see what it feels like or to just fill a void in my life. I fell in love with you because I want to spend my entire life with you, and that¡¯s how I¡¯ve gone into this for day one, otherwise there¡¯s no point in doing so. I just want you to be with me. I only want to love you and be with you and I¡¯m willing to do whatever it takes to make that happen. I believe you wanted me to be here. You even asked me to fight for you one night and I asked you if you meant it, and you said you did. That¡¯s all I¡¯m doing babe b/c I know in the pit of my stomach you want to be with me badly, otherwise we wouldn¡¯t be here today. I didn¡¯t fall in love to not be with you and I think you feel the same way.¡±
ANYA: ¡°Yes I fell in love and I want to be with you. I told you from the beginning that I didn¡¯t know what I was going to do and that I couldn¡¯t promise anything. Yes, I truly do want to be with you. I struggle with it every day. I told you I was not playing b/c my heart is involved too. Idk what to do. I¡¯m not god. I just dk. You told me you were willing to take a chance and that u were a big boy knowing that I couldn¡¯t promise u anything. Like I said before idk about the future.¡±
ME: ¡°One of the many reasons I love you is b/c you do struggle. It¡¯s an unselfish trait. I just felt at the time if you love me as much as u do, I thought the decision would be easier. I thought if you didn¡¯t feel strongly about me then I¡¯d have to be a ¡°big boy¡±. That¡¯s what I meant when I said that and it was nothing on you being able to promise me or not. You¡¯re the only woman I want to experience all aspects of love with. You¡¯re my soulmate. My once in a lifetime. My true love. And hey, aren¡¯t you a big girl?¡±
ANYA: ¡°I try to be. You¡¯re my soulmate and my true love too. The difference between you willing to do anything and my willing to do almost anything is I have kids. It¡¯s not about keeping scores. When one is down you pull their weight and vice versa. You¡¯ve done so much for me. You¡¯re loyal and love me unconditionally.¡±
ME: ¡°I¡¯d do anything for you babe. You know that.¡±
ANYA: ¡°Anything? JK! I know babe. It breaks and warms my heart at the same time.¡±
Anya was absolutely right; love didn¡¯t keep score. If I kept score, when our situations were different, she would be at an unfair disadvantage. Of course, I was willing to do anything, because I was in the position to do that, but she had two other people to think of as well. It was also easier for me to be a ¡°big boy¡± than it was for her to be a ¡°big girl¡± because of those two other people too. I had to meet her negative feelings head on to try better to understand her position, and to mend the damage I created with my emotional breakdown. It was probably a good thing, too, she never beat a dead horse with Jackson, as it showed she wasn¡¯t vested emotionally enough in him to fight. If they never fought, it wasn¡¯t because they got along, but because she was emotionally withdrawn from him. She also had to understand me as well though. If she didn¡¯t know if she could promise me anything, why did she love me in such a manner that suggested she would know? We experienced all the things two people in love did without restraint, regardless of the situation. She never held herself back in loving me, and even wanted me to give her more. For her to not be able to promise me anything, after showing me so much love, I didn¡¯t feel was right or fair. When a person loved someone as much as she loved me, in essence they are saying they had plans to be with me, and not plans just to feel something. Maybe in some cases it was better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all, but I didn¡¯t think that applied here. This situation put me in harm¡¯s way. To love me so deeply, to love someone that walked away yet allowed them to feel the same love, then choose not to be with them, I felt was not only abusive, but also somewhat of a violation as well. At times, it felt like she stole my soul. I would almost go as far to say I had to feel the same kind of trauma on some level that a rape victim did because if I had known she would stay after all we shared, especially when what she shared about her husband encouraged me to be here, there was no way I would have consented to this relationship. Unfortunately, what I didn¡¯t know is these feelings I harbored, and even apologized to her for, were not simply going to be forgotten.
My work day was a productive one as I regained my focus after Anya and I shared our thoughts. I just had to find a way to mend her unsettled feelings. When I was about to leave the office for the day, I felt my phone vibrate in my pocket.
ANYA: ¡°I love you.¡±
ME: ¡°I love you forever.¡±
ANYA: ¡°I love you forever.¡±
After I read her sweet text, I looked up at the blue sky moon, and thanked the universe, as if on cue for the opportunity to work on this mending of her heart. Her text told me she wasn¡¯t giving up on us, even as unsettled as she felt when I realized the text came to me while she hosted her Bunko party. All I could do was smile as my Anya, the one I trusted with my life, reappeared in my life. After I received her text, I decided to go visit my mother to see how she was holding up, but when I got there and stepped inside her room, she was asleep in her bed, with her body facing the wall in the dark. I then quietly closed the door and decided to leave, but not before I saw my father.
¡°She had a bad day today.¡± he said.
¡°I didn¡¯t know.¡± I said. ¡°I don¡¯t want to bother her. I¡¯ll let her rest.¡±
¡°When does your promotion start?¡± he asked.
¡°At the end of June, Dad.¡± I said. ¡°July first, to be exact.¡±
¡°Are you ready?¡±
¡°I¡¯m as ready as I¡¯ll ever be, I guess.¡± I said.
¡°I¡¯m proud of you, son.¡±
¡°Thanks.¡± I said.
Everything seemed to come to a head in my life. My mother¡¯s battle with Cancer. My career. My relationship with Anya. All I could do was hold on for dear life as I feared I was about to lose all three.
CHAPTER 40 ~ UNSETTLED
¡°But I¡¯ll be lonely without you,
and I¡¯ll need your love to see me through.
So please believe me, my heart is in your hands,
and I¡¯ll be missing you.¡±
~ ¡°Babe¡± Styx
I couldn¡¯t escape the visual of my mother in bed, after a rough day of chemo, as it had to make her feel defeated. Was there more to know? Did she plan to hide this as much as possible from me, like her own mother did; my grandmother? I didn¡¯t want to go through anything my mother did on my grandmother¡¯s last day. A day, just like all the rest, when my mother found out in a most unexpected fashion, it would be her mother¡¯s last day on earth. How she watched her best friend in life, the one who never let her down, fade into nothingness. I wanted my mother to go peacefully when it was her time to go, with my father and me by her side. A smooth beautiful transition, one that brought us sadness but with very little trauma.
I worried I could lose my mother unexpectedly during a routine visit, and if the slightest possibility existed of that, I wanted to know. The better prepared I could be, the better it would be for her. When I went into the office on this Saturday, the whale that was my personal struggles breached the professional waters, as I fought to purge the image of my mother in her bed and what truth existed beneath. I couldn¡¯t remember the last time I visited the house and only talked to my Dad, an ominous prelude.
That morning, unable to focus at work, I reached out to Anya to see if she could offer me any advice.
ANYA: ¡°I¡¯m sorry babe. I know this is tough on you. Please know that this is not your fault. I wish I could hold u right now. Have a good day too. I will be here. I love you.¡±
ME: ¡°Thanks Sweetheart. I¡¯ll talk to her about it. I better go babe. Have a nice day. I love you.¡±
ANYA: ¡°How¡¯s your dad holding up? Wish I could help.¡±
ME: ¡°I think he¡¯s in denial. I think we both are. Thanks for asking and for being there.¡±
ANYA: ¡°Ok anytime u need me, I will be here. I¡¯ll be praying for her. I love you.¡±
It made it easier for me to talk to her about my mother since I revealed she knew Anya and I were dating. I¡¯m sure a big part of its timing was because I didn¡¯t know how much time I had left with my mother, and I wanted her to know my mother liked her while she was still here, not after she passed. I questioned the nature of Anya¡¯s love for me at times, but I made some mistakes too and not free of fault, too. I only wished Anya and my mother could get to know each other because I knew they would get along so well. I¡¯d be second fiddle, her own son, to Anya if my mother got to know the person I fell so in love with. Although Anya told me she would pray for her and I didn¡¯t believe in God, I found it pretty hypocritical of me to be thankful she did, but I was grateful for her sweet gesture.
As the day progressed, I felt better and able to get some important tasks completed. I then texted her to let her know my day got better so she wouldn¡¯t worry. I hesitated now to reach out to her because I feared it might take her away from her kids. I knew she was still unsettled and didn¡¯t want to add another plate to her stack.
ME: ¡°Hi. I just wanted to let you know I¡¯m feeling better now. Thanks for being there. Just needed to get it off my chest so I could focus on the work I need to get done at the office. I hope you¡¯re doing good.¡±
ANYA: ¡°I¡¯m sure. I¡¯m good now that I know you¡¯re better. I¡¯m so sorry. What you¡¯re dealing with is huge and normal to reflect and feel guilt if not warranted b/c you feel helpless.¡±
ME: ¡°I¡¯ve been beating myself up a lot over this. It just overcame me unexpectedly and everyone was in the office and I had to find a way to compose myself. I¡¯m sorry to do this to you. I love you.¡±
ANYA: ¡°Don¡¯t be sorry. I want you to tell me. You¡¯re my best friend. I love you.¡±
ME: ¡°You¡¯re my best friend too. I just feel responsible for this. All the worrying I¡¯ve put her through over the years I feel has caused this. I love you, too.¡±
The time I stumbled home drunk, and woke her up at one in the morning, just so she could change my bedsheets not once, but twice, because I couldn¡¯t get my hammered ass out of bed to throw up. The two times I parked crooked in her driveway, after another couple of nights out drinking when I was twenty-one years old, and how it still made her worry each night I went out, regardless of those being the only two times in my life I ever drank and drove. I¡¯d arrive home at three in the morning, and I could see that the light in her room would still be on when I pulled into the driveway. I¡¯d then notice the light in her bedroom window disappear before I got inside the house, because she didn¡¯t want me to feel guilty about having fun. I also couldn¡¯t forget how I caused her greatest grief; my lack of belief in God, the one thing which gave her the most strength. Not only did I feel like a horrible son, but also a horrible human being. Thankfully though, I had Anya there to help me through this maze of self-loathing.
ANYA: ¡°You may have caused her to worry and that¡¯s normal, but in no way did you cause this. No way babe. Trust me. As awesome as you are, sorry you don¡¯t have that kind of power. Every mom worries about the kids from the time they r born. It¡¯s just the way it is. Whether you cause trouble or not, they worry every second.¡±
ME: ¡°But babe you forgot, I really am that awesome! JK! Thanks for the smile. I really needed that!¡±
ANYA: ¡°You are but not that!¡±
ME: ¡°If I¡¯m awesome it must have rubbed off on me from you!¡±
ANYA: ¡°Muah!¡±
She was right; the truth was, my mother would have worried even if I left the house just to go to work. Anya¡¯s insight provided me with enough relief to get me through the rest of the day, and I couldn¡¯t thank her enough for it, as the rest of my Saturday workday went much smoother. When I returned home that evening, I decided to stay in and read some of ¡°Breaking Dawn¡±, the last book in the ¡°Twilight¡± series. While I read, I found it interesting how the story¡¯s point of view changed from being told through Bella, to her other love interest, Jacob.
ME: ¡°I find it interesting how the author decided to tell the story through Jacob¡¯s point of view as well. I miss u.¡±
ANYA: ¡°Yes it does. It is interesting thru his eyes but I still don¡¯t love him. I miss u too.¡±
When Anya revealed to me that she didn¡¯t love Jacob, as silly as it sounded, it meant a lot to me because I remembered when she told me I reminded her of Edward, the character she did love. I needed something positive because this Saturday night paled in comparison to the one we shared a week ago. I then texted her a passage in the book that reminded me of us.
ME: ¡°¡± They stared into each other¡¯s eyes, but not in a gooey way. It was like they were having a conversation¡± It reminds me of the many silent conversations we¡¯ve had.¡±
ANYA: ¡°I agree¡±
When I read her response, I found it hard to ignore the lack of a period, as it gave me an indication something affected her.
ME: ¡°What page are you on now?¡±
ANYA: ¡°The same one. I haven¡¯t picked up the book since San Diego.¡±
Her text revealed what her missing period did--she still felt unsettled after San Diego. I then felt guilty about my emotions, that I let her down in a huge way by not understanding what she faced. I made a promise not to pressure her, and I broke it. In fact, I obliterated it. In order to mend the fence, she sat on, I had to do everything in my power to never pressure her again. In order to accomplish this, I simply had to go to war with my feelings of low self-worth. If I felt more positive about myself, and fell in love with who I was, it could only decrease the need to pressure Anya, and help me better deal with emotions. I had until the end of June, just three months away, to hold off my negative feelings when I felt them. I reasoned if I could just make it until the end of June, I could finally share the news of my promotion with her. I believed this would be the game changer for her. Even though I felt she should leave to be with me anyway, I felt the concern for her kids would be alleviated enough to at least promise to be with me one day. If I could buy a home in her neighborhood, so her kids would be able to stay at their schools and not lose any of their friends, it would alleviate some of the fears she had for them. I felt this would help them not to hate her as the only real difference would be mom and dad weren¡¯t together. I just had to keep this in mind, keep it together for three months, and see if I could mend what I broke in her eyes.
When the next day arrived, I vowed to make amends for my emotional breakdown and to work on getting through the rest of busy season and onward to my promotion to partner. I texted Anya to see what she had on her agenda for the day, and I learned she planned to visit her parents in the late afternoon.
ANYA: ¡°Just a visit and to play with her dumb dog. A white, chubby, dumb but cute bijon fries named Ralph.¡±
ME: ¡°How old is Ralph?¡±
ANYA: ¡°3 yrs or 21 yrs in human years.¡±
I then decided to switch gears so Anya knew what I vowed to do from this point forward in an effort to mend what I had broken.
ME: ¡°For what it¡¯s worth I wish I was hanging with you today. I miss you. That¡¯s what I wish for everyday anyway, so I guess nothing new there.¡±
ANYA: ¡°Me too babe. I miss u too. I know.¡±
ME: ¡°I love you so much. Hard to contain all the emotions, but I do try. If I thought you were a ¡°mean¡± or ¡°hurtful¡± person, I wouldn¡¯t want to spend the rest of my life with you. It¡¯s something I dream and hope for everyday and if I thought it would kill or hurt people I wouldn¡¯t wish for it so much.¡±
ANYA: ¡°Baby I hurt everyday cuz I miss u. Idk what to do. My kids.¡±
ME: ¡°That¡¯s my fault for pressuring you, babe. I am going about this the wrong way. It¡¯s my fault you feel this way.¡±
ANYA: ¡°I can¡¯t fault you for your desperation. I can¡¯t fault you for wanting to be with me. As much as I hate the pressure, I can¡¯t fault you.¡±
ME: ¡°I went about it the wrong way. I¡¯m not addressing your fears enough. I think we need to discuss every single one honestly, together. There¡¯s a reason you don¡¯t know and we should explore this together so I fully understand.¡±
ANYA: ¡°I understand as much as you understand why I¡¯m here.¡±
ME: ¡°Last Saturday night was the most meaningful night I ever spent or shared with another human being.¡±
ANYA: ¡°Was it ¡°it¡± or wasn¡¯t ¡°it¡±?¡±
ME: ¡°It wasn¡¯t just ¡°it¡±. It was everything. You¡¯ve probably experienced nights like that with someone before but I never have. It¡¯s easy to a little crazy when you love someone as much as I love you.¡±
ANYA: ¡°But we had many great days and nites. Why that nite? Contradictory. Don¡¯t get me wrong, I love every second we spend together whether it be at ur place or coffee or hotel.¡±
ME: ¡°How could it not be that nite, babe? Let¡¯s consider all the things that led up to SD that we talked about. You having a dream of our wedding. Telling me you would like to get married in Vegas first. Our talks about sexual fantasies. Then in SD, we shared a bottle of wine. There was music and candles. You wore the necklace I got you. You told me you needed love. You even asked me if I wanted to take Katie to the convention, and even though we both knew that was impossible, it¡¯s something we both wish could happen. My feelings are just a whole lot stronger for you now than before, notwithstanding this was only the 2nd time I¡¯ve seen you in almost 6 weeks. The night itself didn¡¯t affect me, but when I didn¡¯t hear from you on St. Patty¡¯s night felt different. After all that led up to SD and after all we shared in SD, I became sensitive to your silence.¡±
ANYA: Whether it¡¯s an hour, a day, a month or 6 weeks, I still feel the same way about u. My feelings don¡¯t change about u. I love u.¡±
ME: ¡°My feelings changed only because they¡¯ve grown stronger, babe.¡±
ANYA: ¡°You know why.¡±
ME: ¡°I didn¡¯t know why, though. You never mentioned what u were doing that night which was different. U don¡¯t have to, but u always do.¡±
ANYA: ¡°I was helping my neighbor. I got busy. Didn¡¯t get a chance. I don¡¯t want to go there again. We need to drop it.¡±
ME: ¡°I believe you. I¡¯m sorry for upsetting you.¡±
ANYA: ¡°Not upset.¡±
ME: ¡°I only love you. I only want to be with you.¡±
ANYA: ¡°I only love you and only want to be with you too.¡±
After my emotional letdown, I felt vulnerable and even clingy, as I tried to gauge if she still loved me as much as I loved her. I knew if I had another emotional breakdown, I would lose her for good as I tried desperately to resolve all I felt so I could fix what left her unsettled. After a hearty lunch, one which left my stomach full of chicken fried rice and shrimp tempura, I fell asleep for a couple of hours when I got back to my apartment. When I woke up at around four, I texted Anya.
ME: ¡°I hope you¡¯re having a nice time visiting your parents. Thinking of you.¡±
ANYA: ¡°Thank u! Dumb dog. I mean Ralph is all over me! Always thinking about u. Totally got a lecture from my dad. Look like it¡¯s going to be a long nite!¡±
ME: ¡°Why did he lecture you? I¡¯m sorry to hear that.¡±
ANYA: ¡°Not visiting enough. Well I¡¯m just slammed by everyone. Can¡¯t handle it. I have a bone to pick with him too but going to keep it in. Not worth it.¡±
When Anya informed me she felt ¡°slammed by everyone¡±, I felt bad about the grief I gave her. I didn¡¯t want to be identified as someone who ¡°slammed¡± her. I loved her, and thought she wanted to be pulled in my direction. In her dad¡¯s defense, I could understand how he felt that way, but at the same time, I knew how busy Anya was with the kids and could see her side of things as well. Then you throw me into the mix, and where did she find the time?
ME: ¡°Don¡¯t take it personal, babe. They just miss you and I¡¯m sure they love seeing their grandkids. It¡¯s harder at their age to come visit. Of course, I could be generalizing here and don¡¯t know the specifics. I¡¯m sure if you¡¯re upset about something it¡¯s a legitimate argument.¡±
ANYA: ¡°Just can¡¯t be pulled in one more direction. Surely, he understands how busy I am with the kids. Guess not. Guess he can¡¯t make the drive but can golf everyday!¡±
ME: ¡°Did u explain that to him, babe? You have soccer games, baseball games, comps, dances, school plays, projects and little time to yourself. You shouldn¡¯t have to feel bad. Maybe that just needs to be communicated to him?¡±
After I texted this to her, I didn¡¯t hear back as I feared I overstepped my boundaries, so an hour after I sent this text, I sent her another one.
ME: ¡°I¡¯m here for you if you need me babe. I love you.¡±
ANYA: ¡°Thank u. I love u.¡±
ME: ¡°I hope you¡¯re ok. I know how that can weight on your mind. Wish I could hold you right now.¡±
ANYA: ¡°I¡¯m ok babe. Idk what his deal is. He¡¯ll get over it. Thank u. I could use a hug anyway! Ha!¡±
Her text made me wonder if anyone ever hugged her, if she needed it. I doubt she ever went to Jackson for a hug, as it made me realize my arms were the ones that mattered the most to her. Another good reason to continue to fight for her.
ME: ¡°If things were different, I would just listen to you, for hours even, if u needed me to.¡±
ANYA: ¡°Thank u babe.¡±
ME: ¡°I know you¡¯re upset. I¡¯m here if u need me.¡±
ANYA: ¡°I¡¯m fine. All good. Thank u for ur support.¡±
I remembered the last time she drove out to her parents¡¯ house in the late afternoon; she came to see me before she did. After I found out about her issues with her father, I wanted to make myself available to her in case she wanted to stop by for a few minutes before she went home.
ME: ¡°I wish you would have stopped by so we could talk. It¡¯s times like this when I want to be with you. I hate to see you tuck it inside.¡±
ANYA: ¡°I¡¯m fine babe. Just going to take a shower and turn in.¡±
ME: ¡°I truly love you. I hate to see you upset. I won¡¯t sleep well either when my heart and soul over there is hurting. I¡¯m here babe. Always.¡±
ANYA: ¡°Thank you. I¡¯m good really. Have a goodnight! Going to read! Ha!¡±
It broke my heart a bit that she seemed to prefer a book over my arms for a few minutes, but I had to understand how I left her unsettled. How could I just let her stay with Jackson, without a fight, for anyone¡¯s sake though? How could she view me as a direction she didn¡¯t want to be pulled in when she used to struggle with running away from home and to me? How could any of this not put things into proper perspective for her as to why I was in her life? Jackson could not care for Anya emotionally anymore, and if she needed love, how would she get through the rest of her life without that? She couldn¡¯t turn to anyone because if she turned to me, it would be too much truth for her to handle, the only direction she should be pulled in. All I could see is that everyone else pulled her away from me, and that did a number on my psyche. Anya deserved much more in life than to be filled with heartache, anger and resentment. From her parents, to Jackson, to her friends, and to her husband¡¯s ex-mistress at the baseball games, no one seemed to understand her, but me; as I did on a level no one else possibly could, even herself. I never wanted Katie and Andrew to walk in their mother¡¯s room one day just to be greeted by bald head in bed, sickened by Cancer treatments. What made it even worse, is no one else could see this but me, yet I was the one they all viewed as evil.
I felt Anya shut down on me once again, and although I understood it better this time, it still worried me. What would she tell me this time around? Did Jackson talk to her father about ¡°a relationship¡± she might be having? Once this thought entered my stream of consciousness, I texted her at five in the morning to see how she was holding up as I tried to gauge if she was mad at me as well.
ANYA: ¡°Nope finished off my book club book and read up to page 240 of our book. Hun, I¡¯m fine. Just needed an ear for a bit last nite. I told you we¡¯re good now. Thank u.¡±
ME: ¡°Ok babe. I was worried about you.¡±
ANYA: ¡°Why were u up so early? Did I wake u up?¡±
ME: ¡°You didn¡¯t wake me. My phone is always on silent. Just worried about you.¡±
ANYA: ¡°Thanks for your concern. Don¡¯t worry I¡¯m ok. Where r u this week?¡±
ME: ¡°I¡¯m in love with you, babe. It¡¯s natural for me to worry when you¡¯re down. At the office this week.¡±
It felt good to know she picked our book back up, as it seemed that Jackson didn¡¯t talk with her father. After I sent my last text, I didn¡¯t hear back until two hours later, as I felt a little blown off. It was at that point, I had to know if she was upset with me. At times, it just seemed she pulled away from me when I tried to get close, as she tried to dictate any pressure, she felt from me, but all it did was make me feel insecure.
ANYA: ¡°I know and appreciate that. Thank you. How r u?¡±
ME: ¡°I¡¯m ok. So, what¡¯s on your mind?¡±
ANYA: ¡°On my mind? Huh? I¡¯m at dental office with Andrew. What¡¯s on your mind?¡±
ME: ¡°You just seem upset with me.¡±
ANYA: ¡°I¡¯m not upset with you.¡±
ME: ¡°Don¡¯t be mad at me please. I would do anything within reason to be with you. To help you with everything. To put an end to the anger, the resentment, whatever negative feelings you have, forever. I just want to be with you. I just want you to be happy. Don¡¯t be upset with me for that please (if u r).¡±
ANYA: ¡°Ok please stop telling me I¡¯m upset or mad. I¡¯m fine babe. I¡¯m trying to mend from last week but I can¡¯t if I keep going there. Truly I¡¯m ok. Thx for ur concern.¡±
I found Anya¡¯s initial ¡°Thanks for your concern¡± statement to be a little disingenuous; a nice way of telling me to leave her alone. Weak and vulnerable, love shifted to fear to match what unsettled her. In the past, I would¡¯ve heard ¡°I am so in love with you too¡±, but now it¡¯s ¡°Ok please stop telling me I¡¯m mad¡±. As unfair as it might have been, after San Diego, I became sensitized to every little thing she did as I tried to gauge if she still truly loved me as my mom¡¯s illness and the stress of busy season all merged as one to create a perfect storm of emotions within. And it all came at a time I desperately needed to hold it all together, as I felt the particle that kept my universe together, was about to give and destroyed all I held dear.
Things felt different between us, an undeniable truth, and when she texted me later that afternoon, I did all I could to change the current narrative as I initiated something for the first time in our relationship.
ANYA: ¡°U ok?¡±
ME: ¡°I miss u babe.¡±
ANYA: ¡°I miss u.¡±
ME: ¡°Would you like to meet for tea today?¡±
ANYA: ¡°Well I¡¯m afraid you¡¯ll feel worse after.¡±
ME: ¡°We¡¯d just meet for tea. I need to show you I can be ok babe. So we can begin to mend this.¡±
ANYA: ¡°But you said that b4 SD. I¡¯m afraid.¡±
ME: ¡°I promise babe. Just meet me for tea please so I can show you I¡¯m ok. We won¡¯t even go there. I promise.¡±
ANYA: ¡°What about your work?¡±
ME: ¡°This job I can¡¯t be chargeable on. It won¡¯t put me over budget so I can get away for a little bit.¡±
ANYA: ¡°U promise you¡¯ll be ok?¡±
ME: ¡°I promise. I won¡¯t let u down babe.¡±
ANYA: ¡°What time?¡±
ME: ¡°Can you meet me at noon?¡±
ANYA: ¡°12? Do u want me to meet u at your place since ur working?¡±
On the same morning, I felt she blew me off, the most unexpected thing occurred, she not only offered to meet me on a moment¡¯s whim, but she blew me away as she offered to meet me at my place. I Truly owed it to her not to screw it up with my emotions.
ME: ¡°Yes, 12. Only if you¡¯re willing.¡±
ANYA: ¡°Ok I will.¡±
ME: ¡°Thank you.¡±
ANYA: ¡°K¡±
ME: ¡°We¡¯re just going to hang babe. I¡¯m going to change the errors of my ways. I know how much I mean to you and I know how much you love me. I¡¯ve got something to prove to you. All I need is a chance. Thank u for giving it to me. I promise I won¡¯t disappoint you. I have your heart and no one can have what we share no matter where you lay your head at night. Everything will be fine. I promise.¡±
ANYA: ¡°Ok babe.¡±
As fear shifted back to love, for both of us, it allowed me to understand her side a little better as she gave me a chance to mend things between us. I feared she didn¡¯t have any intentions to do so, and that led me to question if she truly loved me. To her credit, she didn¡¯t like what she perceived to be ¡°threats¡±, and there was an issue of trust I needed to rebuild there, but she seemed to also understand her role in their existence. If she gave me the chance, I had to make this up to her. The problem was without the direct experience, it was difficult to determine that it wasn¡¯t the pressure I gave her to be with me that hurt her, but more so, the pressure she felt around the kids to keep them in the dark; to be there for them is where the true pressure lied. Anya spent a lot of time over the last few days on the line with me. Each time I struggled, she responded as my emotions took her away from her kids, something she begged for me not to do in her letter if I couldn¡¯t quit her. The emotional toll my own emotions took on her was something she never shared with me. It left me at times to feel, maybe I should have quit her, but may it¡¯s also what Lance did? Maybe the ability to hang in there is why she viewed me as an amazing man? I wish she had explained to me in detail how this affected her, but even if she did, I think she feared to lose me as much as I feared to lose her. Our reasons for that fear, however, had to coincide. If I could hold off the pressure, until the moratorium on my non-disclosure agreement ended, I felt she would be more understanding when she gained the peace of mind her kids, and even her, would be fine. I felt a promise would shortly follow, and I¡¯d feel more secure in my feelings and emotions, as I still believed, after she gave me the chance to mend what left her unsettled, she only delayed the inevitable at this point after all we¡¯ve shared.
I really needed the break from all the stress of busy season, and to know her and I were good, and back on track. I know I let her down, I gambled and almost lost her, then realized there was no solace in losing her. When I got home from work on my lunch hour, I paced my apartment nervously before she arrived as I talked to myself in front of the mirror so I wouldn¡¯t say the wrong thing. I then went on my computer and began to type in my journal and to check our relationship stats I took, as this would be her fortieth visit to my place and the eightieth time we¡¯ve spent together, and if that wasn¡¯t enough evidence to leave her marriage, I didn¡¯t know what was. This was her first visit to my place since the sixth of March, over two weeks ago, and the first time I¡¯ve seen her since San Diego. As I did a quick prep of my apartments, I then received a text from her.
ANYA: ¡°Almost there.¡±
And then my favorite text just five minutes later.
ANYA: ¡°Here.¡±
The first text showed her thoughtfulness, as she knew I only had an hour lunch break, and the second text, confirmed her love for me. Unless she changed plans not to visit, I never wanted her to feel obligated to send me a text that she was ¡°almost there¡± as I feared she texted and drove. If anything ever happened to her, and she was driving frantically just because I left work on my lunch hour to meet, I would¡¯ve never forgiven myself. She belonged to her kids more than she ever belonged to me regardless of what we shared.
When Anya showed up at my gate, and I saw the necklace against the beauty of her skin as it sparkled in the sunlight, I could do nothing but smile. As I looked in her eyes and as her smile met mine, I knew her visit was a genuine attempt to mend what unsettled her, to not only give me a chance but to also let me know she trusted me; that she understood, maybe not completely but on some level, how I lost it emotionally.
The day brought forth a show of affection from her as if nothing ever happened between us, as Anya smiled and laughed the entire time we spent together. She showed no apprehension as we picked up right where we left off in San Diego. Each time she showed me her thingie and looked up at me with a smile, I couldn¡¯t help but fall more in love with her. After we caught up with each other and reconnected for an hour, she turned to me in bed as we faced each other.
¡°How do you look so young?¡± she asked me. ¡°Are you really thirty-eight?¡±
¡°How old do you think I look?¡± I asked.
¡°About twenty-five.¡± she said.
¡°What? Really? Twenty-five?¡± I said in complete disbelief. ¡°Not thirty-five? Twenty five.¡±
¡°Yes, I mean that.¡± she said.
¡°You¡¯re not a cougar, are you?¡± I joked.
¡°A what?¡± she said.
¡°A cougar.¡± I said. ¡°A cougar would date a twenty-five-year-old.¡±
¡°I can¡¯t believe you just called me the ¡°C¡± word.¡± she said.
¡°If it makes you feel any better, you¡¯re the most beautiful cougar on the face of the
planet.¡± I said as I kissed her pursed lips then laughed. ¡°What¡¯s wrong?¡±
¡°I don¡¯t like the ¡°C¡¯ word babe.¡± she said. ¡°I can¡¯t believe you called me that.¡±
¡°Babe!¡± I said as I tried to apologize for my joke. ¡°I¡¯m obviously not twenty-five, so how could you possibly be a ¡°cougar¡±? I was just joking babe. I didn¡¯t mean to hurt your feelings. I thought you knew I was just kidding. You look no less than ten years younger than your age.¡±
¡°So¡you think C and D cougars too?¡± she asked me. ¡°Should I tell them?¡±
¡°Of course not, babe. Sweetheart, it was a bad joke, I apologize for it.¡± I said. ¡°I don¡¯t think that way about any of you. What reason would I have to? I was just joking because you said I looked twenty-five which is a joke all its own. I don¡¯t look that young.¡±
¡°Yes, you do!¡± she exclaimed.
¡°If you say so.¡± I said as I brought my lips to hers. ¡°I¡¯m sorry. I didn¡¯t mean to hurt you.¡±
¡°It just surprised me.¡± she said. ¡°I didn¡¯t know you knew what a cougar was.¡±
¡°You didn¡¯t think I knew what a cougar was? Sonomas is pretty much ¡°cougars¡¯ den¡± for younger guys.¡± I said. ¡°None of the women that walk in there are cougars in my eyes. I think they are mostly mature women who know what life is all about.¡±
¡°I think if I really did tell Carolyn and Deb, they¡¯d be surprised too.¡± she said. ¡°But I¡¯d never though.¡±
¡°I was only kidding, babe.¡±
¡°I know you were kidding.¡±
¡°Thank you.¡± I said as it surprised me Anya took it so seriously after I felt she joked with me about my visual age.
I felt bad for the way she felt, even if it was an overreaction, it appeared my ¡°cougar¡± remark hurt her feelings, and as long as she felt that way, she deserved an apology.
¡°I bet you were always happy go lucky before you met me.¡± she said as she came into my arms and kissed my chest as I held her body against mine.
¡°Is that what you think? That I was ¡°happy go lucky¡± before I met you?¡±
¡°I¡¯ve turned your life upside down. Made you sad.¡± she explained further.
The potential of where this conversation could head struck fear within me. I couldn¡¯t deny it was true, that she did turn my life upside down. When we first met, I didn¡¯t mind at all because she laid out the terms of our relationship; she would be with me if I swept her off her feet. After I had done so though, and the kids became an issue after the fact, I felt she did indeed turn my life upside down. Why did she bring this up though? Was there a purpose behind it? If I admitted to it, she may try to walk out of here for the last time. This might be the last time I held her in my arms. It was an emotionally loaded question for me as I tried my best to answer it as to preserve our process of mending; a test.
¡°To say I was ¡°happy go lucky¡± before I met you would be the most inaccurate statement ever made in human history.¡± I said as I kissed the top of her head. ¡°As much as I go through emotionally because we can¡¯t be together right now, the truth is you¡¯ve saved my life. I¡¯ve never told anybody this but you, but I was in a dark place, very lonely, sad and depressed before I met you.¡±
¡°Really?¡± she said as she looked up with concern.
¡°If I share this with you, can you promise me you won¡¯t judge me for it?¡± I asked. ¡°That this stays between you and I?¡±
¡°I promise, babe.¡± she said softly.
The narrative has been stolen; if detected on Amazon, report the infringement.
¡°Before I started my business career, I used to drive in corporate parts of the city just so I could be around all the office buildings. I¡¯d look up at them and imagine what it would be like to ride the elevator, even fantasize about what floor I¡¯d work on, just dying to work in one after I got my degree.¡± I said. ¡°Years later, after I turned that dream into a reality, but I started to look at office buildings in a very different way. A way I never could¡¯ve believed before I started working in one.¡±
¡°In what way?¡± she asked.
¡°I began to wonder what it would be like to jump off of one.¡± I said.
¡°Are you serious?¡± she asked with concern.
¡°Although I¡¯d never do it, I didn¡¯t think I had a purpose and everything in life was such a struggle. I had expectations for greatness and to be in love and married, this kind of life I envisioned for myself, and I began to fear I¡¯d never come close to it, no matter how hard I worked. The fact it entered my mind though was scary, something I never thought I¡¯d even consider. I used to have a great love for life, I believed every day presented had the possibility for the fantastic, but right before I met you, my life turned cold, empty and dark. I started to ask myself, what would I really be leaving behind if I did jump?¡± I said. ¡°Of course, I thought about what it would do to my poor mother and never went through with it. I did consider it enough though that I gave up on a jump from an office building and instead put my attention on the bridge by my parents¡¯ house.¡±
¡°Which one?¡± she said. ¡°There¡¯s two of them.¡±
¡°The marine green one.¡± I said.
¡°The Vincent Thomas Bridge?¡± she asked.
¡°That¡¯s the one. I used to drive over it almost every day when I lived with my parents. The sky I¡¯d see each time from the bridge was majestically different from any of those I witnessed before. I started to imagine what the sky would look like from its highest point and how I could get to the very top. If I ever committed suicide, I would do it from that bridge, in the company of a beautiful sky.¡±
¡°You wouldn¡¯t kill yourself¡right?¡± she asked. ¡°You would never do something like that. Would you? You¡¯re scaring me.¡±
¡°Sweetheart, I know it would hurt a lot of people, especially my family if I ever did such a thing. If I committed suicide, it would be as if I took my own mother, too. I could never put anybody through that.¡±
¡°Promise me you never will, babe.¡± she said. ¡°That would hurt a lot of people.¡±
¡°I never will. I promise.¡± I said as I met her lips. ¡°I only shared this with you because I wanted you to know how much you¡¯ve improved my life. I just wanted you to know how far off you were about me being ¡°happy go lucky¡± before I met you.¡±
¡°Thank you for sharing. By the way¡¡± she said as she ran her fingers through my hair. ¡°I like your hair sort of long.¡±
¡°So¡I have to check with you first before I cut it now?¡± I said as her touch relaxed me.
She then laughed as our lips crashed and the ¡°cougar¡± talk then dissipated into nothingness. I felt bad I even mentioned it as a joke, as the last thing I wanted to do was offend her in anyway. When the time came for her to leave, and my left arm brought her back to me several times before she made her escape, I felt much better about us, a huge relief I needed as it greatly affected me at work and resulted in one too many sleepless nights. My struggle with my relationship with Anya affected me in ways I never prepared for nor realized they truly threatened to ruin me completely as my partnership felt compromised. Without Anya¡¯s love, I felt like I had nothing, but today provided me with the safety that allowed me to get back on track at work, and in life. As contradictive as it seemed, in essence, these two hours I took off were needed as they possibly saved my career with the firm.
When I returned to the office, with a renewed vigor after her visit, Anya texted me.
ANYA: ¡°I haven¡¯t stopped thinking about today. When it¡¯s good it¡¯s really good w/only good feelings! I¡¯ve missed u so much.¡±
ME: ¡°I haven¡¯t stopped thinking about today too. It should only and always feel this way. I¡¯m sorry I thought you were upset last night. I was worried about you. I just felt bad for you and wanted to be there for you. Thank you for visiting on a moment¡¯s notice. It meant a lot.¡±
ANYA: ¡°Thank you. I just needed an ear. Believe me I¡¯d tell you if I was upset with my dad.¡±
After her visit, I vowed to not let her absence affect me as much anymore as I learned I¡¯m more miserable without her. I had to understand with so many balls in the air, I was at her mercy emotionally. I¡¯d lose everything if I didn¡¯t pull it together, and as much as I believed she should leave, I didn¡¯t want her to experience anything I did with her kids around. If I got emotional, it¡¯s going to affect her and then them. The goal was to be with her and I couldn¡¯t put myself in a position to ruin that. I had to feed her good feelings so she felt safe enough to come closer, and as she proved on this day; she wanted the same things I did. She showed me so much love; she wore my necklace and she laughed the entire time as if I never threatened to love her freely or went crazy just a few days ago. Yes, her ¡°what¡± still hurt, but I couldn¡¯t expect a promise at least until I could tell her about my promotion. Jackson may have shared the same bed with her, but he also funded her. The cold truth was he had to pay for something I received for free. If he wanted to continue that arrangement, then I would continue to reap the benefit from it. Who was I to let it bother me? Her love came at an emotional cost, but it didn¡¯t cost me a dime. Jackson had to deal with both. Taken that into consideration, Anya and me had something really special and she was right, I was blowing it. Destroying it. Shattering it as Anya was hit with the shrapnel of my emotions. I believed in us after San Diego, but I believed in us more after today. We were in the same foxhole; we couldn¡¯t fight with each other if we had a chance to make it. I believed in our love and I had to do a better job of being strong emotionally for her. Anya loved me enough to destroy my low self esteem issues, I had to trust in her love otherwise my sense of low self-worth would not only take her from me, but also my career, I thought about her words, through the texts she sent me, during our last bout.
¡°You¡¯re not listening.¡±
¡°I have no one.¡±
¡°I¡¯m ruined too.¡±
I had to listen to her. I couldn¡¯t leave her alone and in ruins. I had to trust her love for me. I had to fight my mind, one bent on my self-destruction, with my heart. Love and trust had to overcome pain and fear. I just needed consistency from her. A challenge that presented itself as early as the next day as Anya took my thought of suicide admission to heart.
ANYA: ¡°Taking your life is not only a selfish act but a huge sin. We were granted a life that should be lived to the fullest. I¡¯d like to think we both helped eachother.¡±
ME: ¡°I agree babe. I just didn¡¯t want you to think I was ¡°happy go lucky before we met. Quite the opposite.¡±
ANYA: ¡°I just can¡¯t help feeling guilt that I¡¯ve ruined you. You would be on your ¡°merry¡± way if I hadn¡¯t walked up to you. What if we don¡¯t have a happy ending? What if?¡±
As sweet as Anya¡¯s text was, I couldn¡¯t help to think how I helped her if she stayed in her marriage. She told me it was a sin to not live your life to the fullest, and it sounded as if she feared to take her own advice. Anya¡¯s mixed feelings put my new outlook to the ultimate text as her words sounded more like something she already knew the answer to, and that¡¯s when the doubts would creep in, as my mind began to overwhelm my heart with its most effective weapon against my happiness; my past disappointments. How could we have such a beautiful day together and it led to this kind of exchange between us? If she worried about my suicide, and felt like she ruined me, then I feared she had plans after just being together less than twenty-four hours prior, to give up and stay, no matter how my hard I tried to keep it together. I then sent her two heartfelt texts in response as I fought off another emotional letdown brought on by her sudden mixed feelings.
ME: ¡°There are a lot of ¡°what ifs¡± in life. What if I get killed today driving into the office? If I had that info and knew, I would call in sick. The fact is we don¡¯t know but I¡¯ll tell you what I do know. You considered us ending up together a ¡°happy ending¡±. I don¡¯t think you would¡¯ve ever dared to wish, hope and dream of being with me, regardless of the kids, if you truly believed it would be a bad thing.
ME: ¡°The way you¡¯ve loved me is not of this earth. It¡¯s the best, done without restraint, and I feel it was done to be together one day. You might deny that, but I know you wouldn¡¯t love someone like this unless you intended to be with them. Yes, you say you don¡¯t know, but I think it¡¯s just fear talking. People have created a FOG (fear, obligation and guilt) within u that impairs your judgment and because of this FOG, you don¡¯t know. I have my own personal thoughts I won¡¯t get into, but I think when you told Debbie ¡°I love Landyn. I¡¯ll be ok.¡± when you thought he knew about us and would confront you. I truly believe not only you, but everyone will be ok because the way you¡¯ve loved me has done nothing but show me you believe it too.¡±
After an hour passed without a response from her, I sent her another text to incorporate the positive feelings I tried to rebuild within, with the end of June in mind.
ME: ¡°Don¡¯t feel guilty babe. You¡¯re putting pressure on yourself. Relax! Let¡¯s see what happens. Let¡¯s start approaching things more positively. Do people get married right away? No, they date for a while. I think our love deserves this kind of thinking.¡±
ANYA: ¡°Ok. I just don¡¯t know but I don¡¯t want to talk about it. Yes, let¡¯s move on. I do have to be honest and tell you I¡¯m still unsettled from last week.¡±
I felt discouraged and disheartened by her text, as she gave me no indication when she visited, and after she left my place, that she was still unsettled. I had to give her some time to come around and I had to accept my role in her uneasiness. The end of June was only a little more than three months away and that¡¯s where my focus had to be.
ME: ¡°It¡¯s ok babe. I know I got some work to do. I only want to be with u, u know.¡±
ANYA: ¡°I know babe. I love you.¡±
ME: ¡°I love you, too. Yesterday was so much fun.¡±
ANYA: ¡°Yes it was babe. I¡¯m the happiest when I¡¯m with you in your bed. Safe.¡±
ME: ¡°Me too. I loved every second. I miss you.¡±
ANYA: ¡°I miss you too.¡±
Her mixed feelings at home just never gave me a chance to build positive emotions when she left me after beautiful moments together, and that made it difficult for me to be the man she needed me to be for her. With every text I sent her, I poured myself into each and every one of them, as I began to notice how she never seemed to do the same anymore. Her unsettled feelings unsettled mine as well, as I tried desperately to stay on track and focused at work as all the progress, I thought we made, seemed nullified by her mixed emotions.
At about three that afternoon, she sent me a text that nearly brought me to tears.
ANYA: ¡°It¡¯s a good day for Abalone Cove.¡±
ME: ¡°Our beach. I think we need to go back again. I have a vacation the last week of April.¡±
ANYA: ¡°Ok maybe we can work it out! Would love that!¡±
Her text allowed us to both reminisce about our beach, a romantic thought she inspired. I then tried to take advantage of the opportunity to build some positive energy between us.
ME: ¡°I can¡¯t stop thinking about what u did for me yesterday by coming by on a minute¡¯s notice wearing my necklace. It just made me so happy. It was just really sweet of you. I really miss you. I love you.¡±
ANYA: ¡°I love my thingie. It¡¯s really dear to me knowing that it¡¯s the first piece of jewelry you bought for a girl.¡±
ME: ¡°There have been many firsts for me with you. You¡¯re the only girl I ever hope to buy jewelry for.¡±
ANYA: ¡°I love it.¡±
Anya¡¯s beautiful text got me through the rest of my workday as the simplest of gestures carried lifesaving power. After Denise left me, I vowed never to allow another woman to gain the upper hand in my future relationships, but with her unsettled feelings and sideways guilt, I gave it away to her without hesitation. Although I felt her guilt, at times at this late in the relationship was the same as telling someone ¡°you¡¯re sorry¡± after you¡¯ve shot them a few times. Then there was a side to her guilt I valued as well; that she wasn¡¯t thoughtless enough to deny introspection. It also seemed, at certain times, she had selective memory as to what happened over the last nearly sixteen months, as she remembered only those instances that supported her argument, and not the many other times when she had no argument. I also found it a little delusional that she may have believed her marriage remained sacred because of the kids, and that I could not grasp an understanding of. How in her eyes, it was the kids who legitimized her marriage, when a marriage was founded solely on a relationship between two people? I¡¯ve been the best man in a few weddings, and not one time have I heard in the vows any promises made to potential or already existing offspring. Although I was in an extramarital relationship, I was not pro-divorce. I felt two people should work things out, and wasn¡¯t opposed to do it for the sake of the kids. No one wanted to see someone have a divorce, however since I had inside information about this particular union, and saw how it affected not one, but several people¡¯s lives in its duration, I felt this marriage had no place to exist any further. This marriage made a mockery of not only the institution of marriage, but the sanctity of love within it. To fee this great love, a love she inspired to exist, I couldn¡¯t believe nearly two years later, now she felt ruined and turned my life upside down. After I felt so much for her, I had become codependent, like any soulmate would be left to feel. Over the last fifteen months plus I¡¯ve learned two things; Anya could be the most loving woman on the face of the earth or the most unfeeling one, as the one in between no longer existed.
The following morning, Anya told me she planned to blow off work and lay out instead. Her rebellious attitude made me feel safe as I believed I would more than likely see her again sooner than I expected, however later that afternoon, she sent me a text that revealed just the opposite.
ANYA: ¡°I have a lot going on with work. I have testing tomorrow and physical therapy after that. Friday I have an event at Bromo for clients so getting ready for that. Sorry babe. R u terribly disappointed?¡±
Whenever she questioned if I was disappointed, or if an adverb preceded it, it left me to now question how come she wasn¡¯t disappointed? Shouldn¡¯t she be disappointed too? At any rate. I tried to deny how her seemingly lack of disappointment made me feel because I promised not to pressure or pull her in another direction.
ME: ¡°Of course I am, but I understand. I don¡¯t want you to feel bad. You¡¯re busy babe.¡±
ANYA: ¡°Can¡¯t help it. U know me! Full of guilt! My middle name! Ha! I miss u.¡±
My heart saw the genuine sweetness in Anya¡¯s guilt, and even thankful she wasn¡¯t a guiltless monster. My mind saw her guilt in another way I previously mentioned; that it shouldn¡¯t have a place after she allowed and encouraged me to love her. After she told me she would leave Jackson if she fell in love with me. That these feelings of guilt should¡¯ve existed much sooner, and not nearly sixteen months later. Anya¡¯s guilty feelings seemed to deface my heart and mind as I lost focus at work. I tried to submerse myself deeper in it, but I only found my way up again with the case of the bends. To make matters worse, I then received another critical email from Jerry as that caused me even more pressure and distress. When the day ended, I hoped to hear from Anya to help ease the bad day I had, but I never heard from Anya that evening, not even to say goodnight. After I received only three texts from her all day, my mind ambushed my heart as I suddenly felt sick to my stomach and unable to eat dinner.
When the next day arrived, I felt better as it seemed stress and fatigue played a role in my negative emotions as I refused to let her silence get me down with renewed vigor and focus. When I didn¡¯t hear from her at all by three that afternoon however, my mind once again took over my heart as I broke down and texted her.
ME: ¡°How was your physical therapy?¡±
ANYA: ¡°Sorry was picking up. It was good. She worked it! Little Sore. Missing u.¡±
It seemed her ¡°missing u¡± may have been damage control as in the past, Anya would text just to say she was missing me. Regardless I refused to let my disappointment be known as I pretended everything was fine, afraid it only lent to her guilt. At about six that evening, she text me again.
ANYA: ¡°Just dropped off kids at activities. How was your day? Missed u.¡±
Her ¡°missed u¡± at the end of this text felt good to read, but it was hard not to notice the wariness in all the texts she sent to me over the last two days as they were all short and to the point.
ME: ¡°I¡¯ve missed u too. My day has been ok. R u ready for your event?¡±
ANYA: ¡°Long day babe? Yes, pretty ready. What r u up to?¡±
ME: ¡°Just got off the phone with my mom. She picked up a new wig today, and returned her other one. She really liked the wig she returned but it made her head itch. I guess the inside of this one is less sensitive but she liked the way the other one looked better than this one. It was a tough day for her, and it didn¡¯t sound like she was too enthused about it.¡±
ANYA: ¡°She is going through a lot. I¡¯m so sorry from the bottom of my heart. I¡¯m glad she got a new wig but she doesn¡¯t have to stay with that one if she doesn¡¯t like it too, right? Will u see her tomorrow babe?¡±
ME: ¡°I think she can shop around for one she likes better if she doesn¡¯t the way it looks on her. I¡¯m sure good wigs are like habitable planets, they¡¯re out there, you just have to go look for them. Thank you for the kind words babe. I¡¯m going to visit her tomorrow. I¡¯m really trying to be there for her as much as I can but busy season this year has been so brutal. I feel like I¡¯m letting her down, but I can¡¯t spend as much time with her as I¡¯d like to. It¡¯s eating me up inside.¡±
ANYA: ¡°You¡¯re doing the best you can babe. It¡¯s not your fault.¡±
ME: ¡°Thank you, Sweetheart.¡±
ANYA: ¡°Have a goodnight babe. I¡¯m sorry for all the challenges you¡¯re faced with. I love you forever.¡±
ME: ¡°I love you forever.¡±
Overall, the day was better as the Anya I knew and loved made an appearance while my strategy to ignore the loneliness seemed to work magic. The next day, Anya stayed in touch with me via various texts she sent me throughout the entirety of the day; a perfect balance of communication.
ANYA: ¡°Thank you! Super busy! Muah!¡±
To let me know why I hadn¡¯t heard from her that morning.
ANYA: ¡°Hi babe! How was ur day?¡±
To let me know her day slowed down enough so she could see how my day went.
ANYA: ¡°Good babe! I¡¯m happy! My day is still going. Going to mom¡¯s?¡±
To let me know she had more things ahead of her to do, but she had me on her mind.
ANYA: ¡°I miss u very much.¡±
To let me know I was on her mind, as much as she was on mine.
ANYA: ¡°I love you. Say hi to your mom for me!¡±
To let me know she remembered I was with my mom.
ANYA: ¡°You¡¯re a true angel.¡±
To let me know what she felt about me after my mom said hello to her.
ANYA: ¡°Almost home. I miss u too babe. Goodnight. I love you.¡±
To let me know she was on her way home from scary places she went alone to with no help from her insignificant other, all for her kids.
ANYA: ¡°Goodnight babe. Drive carefully.¡±
To let me know she cared for me, and my heart couldn¡¯t thank her enough for the consistent communication as she gave my mind no recourse to attack it.
When I walked into my mother¡¯s room, as an episode of ¡°Golden Girls¡± blared from her television, I noticed my mother had her new wig on.
¡°Hey mom, is that the new wig?¡±
¡°Hi Honey. Yeah. This is it.¡±
¡°You know, it actually looks nice on you.¡± I said. ¡°You really think it looks bad?¡±
¡°Well, let me put it this way. I¡¯d rather look like Telly Savalas than Lyle Lovett.¡± she said.
¡°I think you have a nicer shaped head than he does.¡± I said. ¡°That wig doesn¡¯t look like Lyle Lovett¡¯s hair.¡±
¡°Stop it, Landyn.¡± she said sharply.
¡°Wow. You must really hate that wig to not call me Landy.¡± I said with a smirk as I sat next to her on the bed, put my arm around her to hug her.
¡°Why are you wearing it then?¡± I asked.
¡°Oh, some of the kids from school came by to visit.¡± she said. ¡°I didn¡¯t want to scare them.¡±
¡°Did they mention anything?¡± I asked.
¡°They asked me if I did something with my hair.¡± she said. ¡°Then told me it looked like barbed wire.¡±
¡°Oh well. Kids say the darnedest things.¡±
¡°They¡¯re honest. That¡¯s why I love them.¡±
¡°Well, I don¡¯t think it looks like barbed wire.¡±
¡°Thanks, Honey. Who knows, maybe it will grow on me?¡± she said. ¡°It still doesn¡¯t make me feel normal, though.¡±
A woman¡¯s hair represented a large part of their beauty, as even for myself, I was greatly attracted to women with gorgeous hair, preferably long and dark. Her mental battle put things in perspective for me as over the last sixty years, my mother lost her front teeth, a breast, and now her hair yet I never lost such a thing in life and I felt as low as she did. My mother always built me up, and each time I¡¯d scoff at it since mothers were biased anyway. She could¡¯ve told me I¡¯m handsome ten times a day, and she could never sell me on it, but if Anya told me I was handsome¡ I bought it hook, line and sinker. Another reason why Anya meant so much to me, and why her love had to be real. Why I fought for her happiness as much as I fought for my own. For me to lose Anya, I¡¯d indefinitely lose me. I was honest with my mother about the way her hair looked, but the roles were reversed now, as the opinion of eight-year olds held more weight with her. I then tried to change the subject in an effort to take her mind off her struggle.
¡°Hey, you¡¯re watching ¡°Golden Girls¡±. I said. ¡°Oh, there¡¯s Blanche. Is she still whoring around?¡±
¡°Landy! How dare you say such a thing about Blanche!¡± she said. ¡°And yes, she is.¡±
¡°Oh wow. Bea Arthur is dating?¡± I asked.
¡°Yes, she¡¯s going out with him. She likes him.¡±
¡°Yeah, but is she going to tell him?¡±
¡°What? That she likes him? I don¡¯t¡¡±
¡°No, is she going to tell him that¡¯s she¡¯s really a man? A transsexual?¡±
¡°Landy!¡±
¡°You¡¯re right, I¡¯m sorry. Her date has to know just by the way she¡¯s built.¡±
¡°Landy, stop it! Bea Arthur is not a man.¡±
¡°My God, is that supposed to be Bea Arthur¡¯s mother?¡±
¡°That¡¯s Sophia and she¡¯s Dorothy¡¯s mother on the show.¡± she corrected.
¡°Who plays Sophia?¡±
¡°Estelle Getty.¡±
¡°She Estelle alive? She looks like a corpse. She must be forty years older than the Golden Girls are!¡±
¡°Landy, don¡¯t you dare talk about Sophia like that! She¡¯s younger than Bea Arthur!¡±
¡°You mean Dorothy.¡± I corrected. ¡°It¡¯s Dorothy for crying out loud.¡±
¡°You know who I¡¯m talking about!¡± she said as she threw her slipper at me.
I threw the slipper back at her and completely missed. She then grabbed it and hit me in the head this time.
¡°Alright! I¡¯m sorry! Sorry if I said anything that offended any of the Golden Girls!¡± I said.
¡°You better watch yourself, Landy. This is one of my favorite shows!¡± she said. ¡°That¡¯s all you do when you come over here is make fun of all the shows I like!¡±
¡°All the shows you like are incredibly comical.¡± I said. ¡°You can¡¯t blame me. I mean anyone who watches ¡°Days of Our Lives¡± every single day deserves it don¡¯t you think?¡±
¡°I¡¯m going to come over there and stick this slipper down your throat if you don¡¯t watch it!¡±
My mother never cared for my commentary on the shows she enjoyed after I used to joke around about ¡°Days of Our Lives¡±.
¡°Not my fault Days of our Lives ¡°jumped the shark¡± over twenty years ago.¡±
¡°What does ¡°jump the shark¡± mean?¡± she asked with a confused look.
¡°The term is from Happy Days, when Fonzi ski jumped over a shark.¡± I said. ¡°The term is used to describe when a show has run out of good ideas. When the show is on its last leg.¡±
¡°Oh, I see.¡± she said. ¡°Yeah, you¡¯re right, but I still love it.¡±
¡°I¡¯m just trying to keep you entertained.¡±
¡°Ha¡Ha. Very funny.¡± she said. ¡°How dare you come over just to make fun of my shows!¡±
¡°You¡¯re right. Mission accomplished. Gotta run! See ya!¡± I said as I rose from the pink recliner.
¡°Landy!¡± she said. ¡°You better not leave! There¡¯s another Golden Girls episode coming on after this one.¡±
¡°I guess I¡¯ll stick around for another episode. Maybe Bea Arthur will finally come clean about her gender.¡±
¡°Landy! I told you Dorothy is a woman!¡±
¡°I think you should be the President of Bea Arthur¡¯s fan club.¡± I said.
¡°Just shut up please and watch it.¡± she said as she removed her wig to feel more comfortable.
¡°Hey mom, I wanted you to know I revealed to Anya that I told you about us, and her. I said.
¡°You did?¡± she asked.
¡°Yep.¡±
¡°Can I say hi to her now?¡± she asked.
¡°Yes, in fact, she wanted me to say hi to you.¡±
¡°Oh, tell her I said hi! Very sweet of her! Does she know about my Cancer?¡±
¡°I told her about that too.¡± I said. ¡°She said she wishes she could be there for you.¡±
¡°She really said that?¡± my mother asked wide eyed.
¡°Can you understand why I love her so much? Why I decided to trust her in this situation?¡± I said. ¡°Trust me, I¡¯ve been out there for a long time, there aren¡¯t too many Anya¡¯s in the world.¡±
¡°That¡¯s easy to see.¡± she said. ¡°I¡¯m touched. I hope to meet her one day.¡±
¡°Me too.¡± I said. ¡°I just have to do a better job of keeping my emotions in check.¡±
¡°Be careful, because you¡¯re unique, Landyn.¡± she said.
¡°What do you mean I¡¯m ¡°unique¡±?¡± I asked.
¡°Well, she¡¯s probably not used to having a man love her as much as you do.¡± she said. ¡°You¡¯re unique because most men aren¡¯t brave enough to wear their heart on their sleeve the way you do.¡±
¡°Anya has accepted my love for her from day one. She made me realize why I went through all I did, and why things never worked out with the other women. Remember all the times you told me things happen for a reason?¡± I said. ¡°Well, Anya was the reason why nothing worked out with the others. The universe works in amazing ways, and all along, through all those heartaches, it was telling me all along to save my love for her. I just didn¡¯t know exactly who until she approached me nearly two years ago. Now, I¡¯ll always know it¡¯s her¡that she¡¯s my soulmate.¡±
My mother acknowledged all I felt, but she also knew a mother¡¯s sacrifice, and why it wasn¡¯t easy for Anya. Although I disagreed with Anya¡¯s choice if she stayed, for various reasons I kept between her and I, I wanted my mother to be supportive of Anya when I struggled to be because it kept the purity of a mother¡¯s perspective intact. As much as a mother¡¯s ¡°sacrifice¡± made no sense to me in this situation, I wanted Anya and my own mother to share that as it could only strengthen the bond together if they did meet.
After I begrudgingly watched another episode of the ¡°Golden Girls¡±, my mother even allowed me to have five Vicodin for the road. As the stress piled up, I felt a temporary need for them to get me through the workday, especially the Saturdays I hated to be there in the office. I had to make sure I kept it together so Anya could continue to mend, and the Vicodin helped to alleviate my stress and fatigue to such a point, I enjoyed them both.
The next day, a Saturday, Anya and I exchanged thirteen texts throughout the day to let each other know how much we missed each other. When Sunday fell upon us however, I didn¡¯t hear from Anya until around four hours past noon. To get my mind off my phone¡¯s silence, I found myself at the mall¡¯s See¡¯s Candies store as I suddenly craved a box of their assorted chocolates when I received her message.
ANYA: ¡°I love See¡¯s! Nuts and chews!¡±
ME: ¡°I love Nuts and chews, too! I think my arteries are clogged already and I haven¡¯t opened up the box yet! What r u up to?¡±
ANYA: ¡°Haha! Just got home from the store too! Getting ready to make dinner. Ready for tom?¡±
ME: ¡°I sure hope I am. Going to be a stressful week. Are you doing anything special tonight?¡±
ANYA: ¡°No just hanging with the kids. U?¡±
ME: ¡°Oh no, just the usual. I may do some reading. I guess I¡¯ll have to read ¡°Breaking Dawn¡± alone now since you haven¡¯t picked up the book since San Diego!¡±
ANYA: ¡°Ha! Don¡¯t be disappointed darling. I fully intend to finish the book. It¡¯s not easy when you have kids. You¡¯re on the clock 24/7. I try plus I had to finish book club.¡±
Although I enjoyed reading the ¡°Twilight¡± series books, I only read so we could do something together. I would¡¯ve never read them on my own. We couldn¡¯t go hiking. We couldn¡¯t go on a weekend getaway. We could never go out to dinner together, but we could read a book together. In essence, form our own book club. I knew that before San Diego, and even before Katie¡¯s letter, she read it without regards to his schedule with the kids. It led me to believe wither she now fought back her feelings for me or she tried to stave off. Or maybe they diminished in some way, after my emotional letdown. As silly as it sounded, because she really was busy with her kids, it affected me since I knew it never stopped her from reading before our night together in San Diego.
ME: ¡°I see.¡±
ANYA: ¡°R u mad at me?¡±
ME: ¡°No way! I¡¯m sorry but I miss you. I just miss you. That¡¯s all.¡±
ANYA: ¡°That¡¯s all? That¡¯s a lot! I miss u tremendously!¡±
Mad; no. Disheartened; yes. It was nice to hear she missed me tremendously as I had to understand she remained unsettled, and respect her right to be. I knew I let her down with my uncertain mind, but she even admitted as much as she hated the pressure, she couldn¡¯t fault me. At a time I struggled with my mother¡¯s illness, on top of the fatigue and stress at work, I needed her more than ever in every aspect. I need to know if her love was the kind of love that knew it conquered all. The kind of love that knew with love, everything and anything was possible. That she knew this love was that once in a lifetime you never let go of or threaten to throw away. Each time we struggled, each time she became unsettled, she always came through eventually. I had to keep that in mind when I struggled to believe she wouldn¡¯t risk losing it.
Later that evening, after she made dinner, I sent her a text. She let me know she was in bed with a bowl of ice cream. A place that never gave me good feelings.
ME: ¡°Are you in your fuzzies?¡±
ANYA: ¡°Haha yes in my fuzzies. Still a good visual?¡±
ME: ¡°You¡¯re always a good visual babe.¡±
ANYA: ¡°Thx! U love me in my fuzzies!¡±
ME: ¡°Of course I do! I love you in everything¡and nothing! Ha!¡±
ANYA: ¡°Mmmmm¡¡±
ME: ¡°You can pull anything off and your beauty remains intact in my eyes.¡±
ANYA: ¡°Thank you babe. You¡¯re so sweet.¡±
ME: ¡°Honey, it¡¯s only the truth. You¡¯re a masterpiece to me. The universe¡¯s magnum opus.¡±
ANYA: ¡°You¡¯re always complimentary. I still blush. I love you.¡±
ME: ¡°You¡¯ll always be flushed in the face with me, babe. I love you too.¡±
ANYA: ¡°I¡¯m still curious about fone sex. Do you think you could do it with me or would that be too weird?¡±
ME: ¡°Are you sure you¡¯ve got enough minutes? We might be on the phone for a while! I ask a lot of questions.¡±
ANYA: ¡°Haha! I¡¯d tell u anything u want to know!¡±
ME: ¡°Just so you know it¡¯s been a looong time since I had phone sex. I¡¯m a little rusty.¡±
ANYA: ¡°But I¡¯m counting on you to guide me!¡±
ME: ¡°Well, you already know what I want to do with you and you told me it¡¯s your favorite.¡±
ANYA: ¡°It is and I¡¯ve fantasized u doing it to me over and over.¡±
ME: ¡°When u told me that, I must admit I was so surprised! I must fulfill that fantasy! Kill two birds with one phone¡I mean stone.¡±
ANYA: ¡°Now I can¡¯t stop thinking about what you want to do to me. Getting turned on and home alone for a bit. Touching myself. I think I¡¯m going to play.¡±
ME: ¡°I must too then.¡±
ANYA: ¡°Yes u must! Totally turned on!¡±¡±
At first, the idea turned me off because it felt like a demotion. If all she needed was phone sex, what incentive did she have to visit me again? The man who cheated on her several times was worthy of her physical presence, and the man who truly loved her, was only good enough to be with via the wire? Although I struggled with her belonging to a man who cheated on her several times, phone sex helped me with those feelings after we delved in a fantasy world for the next twenty minutes. After a few minutes of silence between us as we finished off our fantasy love making session, an act we had to do on our own, Anya broke the silence.
ANYA: ¡°OMG! That was totally awesome! Thx for the tease! I guess that was text sex!¡±
ME: ¡°I¡¯m dying to find out when the best time is to have phone sex w/u with your busy schedule.¡±
ANYA: ¡°Maybe lunch time when you¡¯re home.¡±
ME: ¡°Ok, babe. I¡¯ll keep that in mind.¡±
ANYA: ¡°Kids r back. I better go! Goodnight babe! Thx for that! I love u!¡±
ME: ¡°Thank u! Love you too! Goodnight!¡±
Although it felt good to know I knew the person on the other line intimately, and the text sex was fun, I felt a little used and abandoned. When she told me she wanted to have phone sex on my lunch breaks, I feared they would soon be substituted for the real thing. It seemed she tried to control the emotional aspect of the relationship, by removing the physical form of it. I wanted to have phone sex with her, but I needed reality, and this only would promote more fantasies. I also didn¡¯t want our love to morph into lust, and this is something I did in the past with women I didn¡¯t really know, or trust. This was an extension of the trust issues I had with Anya. That I was good enough to have fun with, just not good enough to be with. All I felt for Anya was real, and our relationship, whether she wanted to face it or not, was real too. Phone sex was for people who couldn¡¯t be together, or at least knew they eventually would be such as a business trip, or for those people who just wanted some fun in their lives with no commitment. Don¡¯t get me wrong, the text sex was great, and phone sex would be even better. But I¡¯ve experienced the best with her already so this was hard to accept because it felt like a punishment, a demotion as feared ruled its existence, and not really the love we had for each other.
The next day, the thirtieth day in March, we reached the sixteenth month point of our relationship. When I came into the office that morning, the senior auditor on my client engagement in Hesperia had gotten sick and would be out the rest of the week. I texted Anya to make her aware of the sudden change in my schedule.
ME: ¡°Good morning! I¡¯ll be in Hesperia all week now believe it or not! Leaving now. How r u?¡±
ANYA: ¡°Good morning! Just dealing with Katie. She¡¯s home sick. Have a nice day in Hesperia! Last nite was fun! I love you! Muah!¡±
Although I dreaded the one-and-a-half-hour ride into Hesperia the rest of the week, Anya¡¯s text inspired me to make the best of it. When I arrived at the client¡¯s offices, they set me up in the Grounds Maintenance Manager¡¯s office, the only space they had available during the week for me to work in. As I set my computer up on what looked like a picnic table, I knew my impromptu work environment would only make my week even more dreadful. Anya stayed in touch via texts throughout the morning and early afternoon, as they helped get me through the day. Even though I was out there by myself, the client¡¯s maintenance engineer, who walked in and out from time to time, kept me entertained. He went by the name of Fitch, and was short but stout, with medium length long curly greasy dark hair. He wore a shirt with no sleeves as he bared hairy shoulders with several tattoos most bikers seemed to wear. The prior year, Fitch promised me that he would play the harmonica for us, but since I never came back out to the job until this day, it never happened. When he saw me, I doubt he even remembered.
¡°You back?¡± he asked.
¡°Yep, how are you Fitch?¡±
¡°Doing goooood! Getting laid.¡± he said. ¡°It¡¯s all good! How you been?¡±
¡°I¡¯ve been good too!¡±
¡°You getting laid these days too?¡±
¡°Oh, I wouldn¡¯t say that, Fitch.¡±
¡°Oh I get it, you¡¯re the gentleman type, but I know you be gettin¡¯ some from someone.¡±
¡°That¡¯s fair to say.¡± I said. ¡°I thought you were going to quit?¡±
¡°Aw nah, I stuck around. They can¡¯t get rid of me. This place would be fucked.¡±
¡°I know you do a lot around here for sure, Fitch.¡± I said. ¡°I¡¯ve seen it.¡±
¡°Hey, that reminds me, I promised to play for you.¡±
¡°Oh Fitch, no worries man. I know you got a lot of work to do.¡±
¡°No really, I made a promise and I wanted to show you my talent.¡± he said as he pulled a harmonica out of his shirt pocket. ¡°I promised you a show.¡±
One look at Fitch, and all I could expect was the worst. A total shit show. I didn¡¯t want him to play at all because I didn¡¯t want to pretend he was great or any good. I wasn¡¯t the type of audience he needed to play I front of, as I had as much appreciation for the harmonica as I did the tuba.
¡°I don¡¯t want you to get in trouble.¡± I said. ¡°I¡¯d feel bad Fitch if your boss walked in here.¡±
¡°Trouble is what I do best, baby!¡± he said as he put the harmonica to his mouth and belted out his vocals.
As I watched him sing and play the harmonica, I quickly learned the most talented people are the one you least expect to be. Fitch poured his heart, his soul, his entire being into his own style of music as it blew me away and took me to a place, I never thought I¡¯d appreciate. He wasn¡¯t just good. He was that good. I sat there in stunned silence and when he finished I stood up in applause and thanked him.
¡°Okay, Fitch. That was awesome. That was so bad ass. I¡¯d love to come catch a show sometime.¡±
¡°Oh man, I just do this for fun, brother!¡± I said. ¡°I love music! Music is my life!¡±
¡°I feel like I owe you money or something.¡± I said. ¡°That was phenomenal. Wow. Just wow.¡±
It was the most phenomenal performance by the unlikeliest of all people. I needed to see Fitch¡¯s love for music as I saw a great passion breathe inside of him and gave him so much life. I wasn¡¯t even someone he loved or truly inspired him, yet he performed as if I was just that as his love for his talent was enough. I watched him in pure joy and felt, this is how I felt whenever Anya and I were together, this great love for life. He played like he had the greatest thing in life around him every second. The man was extremely talented and gifted musically and it broke my heart I couldn¡¯t be that kind of man for Anya when we were apart. I couldn¡¯t take the love I felt in my heart for her and have it flow through me like his harmonica when she needed me too. Fitch shared with me some of his sexual conquests, and I always wondered if he was bullshitting me because he didn¡¯t have the appearance of a man who had such a bevy of women at his disposal, but I now understood how it was all true. In my mind, he went from just some random biker in the middle of the desert to its most precious jewel as I hoped to find the Fitch in me to make Anya happy one day.
When my work day ended, I texted Anya to let her know how it went.
ME: ¡°Thought about you all day. I miss you babe.¡±
ANYA: ¡°I thought about last nite all day! I miss you too.¡±
For the rest of that evening I never heard from her and even until the next day, I didn¡¯t hear from her until six that evening, but when I finally did, I forgot how sad the silence made me before I heard from her.
ANYA: ¡°Wore my thingie today!¡±
At those times when I thought she was too unsettled to believe in our love; I only came to learn she wore my necklace. After a long day of mental anguish, it just meant the world to me.
ME: ¡°Very sweet babe. I was having a sad day but you just turned it into a happy one! How is Katie feeling?¡±
ANYA: ¡°Awww babe, u know I love my thingie. She¡¯s a little better. I took her out to lunch today and it was nice to c her out of the house. I miss u, I love u.¡±
She sent me only eleven texts on the last day of March, but they had the power of a hundred texts. With Katie sick, I couldn¡¯t let her silence affect me, but I couldn¡¯t help the dark loneliness I felt at these times. The next day, the first day in April, I wondered if silence followed by more missing would prevail. When I didn¡¯t hear from her that morning, I texted to let her know I missed her.
ANYA: ¡°I miss u too babe.¡±
ME: ¡°I¡¯m so sorry Katie is sick. I know that puts a tremendous strain on you. You have to take care of yourself too. I wish I could help.¡±
ANYA: ¡°I¡¯m ok thanks. Ur sweet for saying that.¡±
ME: ¡°That text you sent telling me u wore my thingie yesterday was really sweet. I missed you all day yesterday and that text turned my day completely around.¡±
ANYA: ¡°I love my thingie!¡±
ME: ¡°I love you.¡±
ANYA: ¡°I love you.¡±
ME: ¡°Well, so much for our phone sex rendezvous this week!¡±
ANYA: ¡°Ha! Yea, a sick kid at home definitely a buzz kill!¡±
Our good fun text exchange helped to get me through another fifteen-hour day at work. When the sun came down on another workday and after I arrived home to unwind at about eight that evening, Anya sent me a text.
ANYA: ¡°Just got home from the game. Just so you know the symposium you asked about is on April 8th. Going to bed now. Beat, Goodnight babe.¡±
ME: ¡°Thanks for letting me know babe. Sweet dreams. Goodnight.¡±
I appreciated the information about the symposium but I couldn¡¯t believe it was only a week away. I also began to take notice of a significant shift; Anya never talked to me about her complaints about Jackson anymore, not even a mention of the woman at the game. This change in her behavior only created another wall between us, in a relationship tainted with barriers. I felt she constructed this wall far too late, as she passed unfair passing judgment upon me. In a situation where I was solely her confidant, and not her lover, I could understand the shift, but she seemed to forget it was the pain Jackson brought her is what allowed me to be here. As the only man who truly cared about her. As the only one who fought for her happiness, and the only man who truly loved her, I couldn¡¯t agree with her decision as it seemed she wanted to pull away. As much as it bothered me, I tried to put it out of my mind as I reasoned my low self-esteem possibly made it seem worse than it was. I believed if she absorbed herself in these games, and every minute felt like hours, she¡¯d come to realize her marriage was not worth it. How this marriage was like a virus that spread to others.
Although I knew the symposium was next week, I didn¡¯t know if she planned to be there and how I would reveal how I knew her husband on an accidental yet personal level. But I also reasoned, why should guilt fill me when she hid who Jackson Caiaphas was and what he stood for from me? These were the real reasons behind why she remained with him, and had very little, if nothing at all, to do with her kids being ¡°baggage¡±. A luxury Lance had; I never did. Anya had experience with this scenario, and took advantage of my ignorance as she reasoned, just like she would with her own children, what they didn¡¯t know could never hurt them, At times, this deception made me want to blow the doors wide open, and why at those times, I ¡°threatened¡± to love her freely, with the belief if she truly loved me, she surely would follow. I came to believe over time, Lance did not leave Anya because she had kids. I was certain he did leave her because she had kids, but only because Anya pulled the ¡°mothers make sacrifices¡± card, the same one she eventually played with me. He left her because she asked him to, not because he wanted to. She thought the same would work here, but she never factored in that I truly loved her and I refused to go quietly into that good night. I not only shared much more with her than he did, but also knew much less. I knew her on a level he didn¡¯t, but he knew her world on a level I never did. What she hid from me led me to consider the engagement she broke off to someone when Jackson suddenly reappeared in her life, and even conjured up questions, when she revealed at ¡°our beach¡± a man who ¡°stalked¡± her before she got married. As she pulled a part of her away from me, I began to wonder if these were all victims of her love and if she had already made up her mind to make me her fourth.
I loved Anya dearly. She knew me better than any woman before her, but I began to question her integrity when I sensed she pulled herself away. That the necklace and phone sex requests were made because she knew of a strategy, she made me unaware of. She loved me without restraint yet built barriers around my love for her that created an equity in our relationship. That was fine for someone who wasn¡¯t in love, or if I was just a confidant, but she allowed me to be such a huge part of her life, I wanted the world to know about us. She couldn¡¯t tell a lover horrific things about the man she married, and not allow him to save her. I felt if this is what she truly planned; it was akin to a crime. If this was indeed true, I wanted the world to know about me because if I suffered the same fate as the others before me, while Jackson remained exonerated because of his money, how many more would fall down the same path? Did Jackson and Anya have an agreement in place I was unaware of? Did she in some way, already conspire against me with the man whose abusive actions she reeled me in with? Did she realize people lost their lives over such circumstances? That people killed others over the heightened emotions these relationships brought forth? There seemed to be a missing piece here, and I needed to find it to complete her puzzle. To understand the true big picture, one that appeared to be much larger than me. Why did she love me so much? A regular guy, when she believed, even after the trauma she experienced with her douchebag husband, that she could have any man she wanted? Why? Was I the only one willing to be here? Was I the only one willing to trust her with everything she told me? Was I the only man she could trust with everything? Was I the last man on earth who believed true love still existed?
I breathed her day in and day out, but her mixed feelings made me lose faith in her love for me, or at least what ¡°love¡± should mean and stand for. I know she loved me. There was no doubt about that, but I seemed to learn on the fly that love came in more than one form, but which one of these forms of love were true love? Did it only feel like ¡°true love¡± to her because the relationship existed on her terms and conditions alone? All I knew was this; she now made me afraid to find out and afraid not to trust what she told me that led me here.
Anya¡¯s refusal to talk to me about Jackson¡¯s ex-mistress at the games now led me to wonder what bad things this woman could possibly say about her. I knew she didn¡¯t want to talk about it, and it was her right, but why not? Did she still have feelings for Jackson and sharing her anger would give that away? Or did she do it to appease her kids, and to avoid another instance of a threat of divorce in their presence? Her silence created questions in my mind though, as I referred back to when she told me ¡°things better left unsaid¡± when I asked about the sex she engaged with her husband in, as this only created more questions than answers. What was better left unsaid? Shouldn¡¯t I be made aware if feelings still existed for him and was the reason she shared the same bed with him? Was his money more than enough to cover the cost of any lost self-respect? I had to, somehow, ignore these thoughts to retain my sanity at a time I needed every single bit of it. I had to give her the chance to prove me wrong until the end of June. If the promotion didn¡¯t matter, then I had my answer to her love. Since I never experienced emotions on this level, I just didn¡¯t know how I¡¯d respond if I learned she misled me with no real intention to be with me, used only to fill a void in a pathetic marriage that should¡¯ve never existed.
With so much on my burdened mind, I decided to send her a text before I went to bed, to gauge her feelings for me.
ME: ¡°Hi babe. Just thinking of you. It breaks my heart the things you go through. You¡¯re such a wonderful person. If I only knew you as a confidant and wasn¡¯t in love with you, I would want the same thing for you. Anyway, I just wanted you to know I¡¯m thinking of you and I love you very much for everything you are. I¡¯m proud to say I love you and I¡¯m proud to be in love with you.¡±
All I could do was sit on the hope she¡¯d meet me there in the morning, as I waited torn between her love for me and the defense of my heart.
CHAPTER 41 ~ LASTMAN
¡°My soul grows weaker.
He knows and he waits.
He watches over me.
Standing at the infernal gates.¡±
~ ¡°In The Presence of Enemies: Part II¡± Dream Theater
Not only did I expect a response from Anya the following morning, I also expected her to ¡°meet me¡± there, to see if she was as proud of our love as I was. If she couldn¡¯t do that much, she couldn¡¯t have believed in it as much as I did, or at all. Early the next morning, I received my answer.
ANYA: ¡°Good morning babe. How r u? U know what I could use tom? I could use a long hug! How about you? I love you.¡±
Instead of a prideful fastball, she surprised me with a knuckle curve when she told me, in her own special way, she wanted to see me the following day, something I could do nothing but appreciate.
ME: ¡°Good morning! I¡¯m good! You might need to call for the jaws of life to escape my hug tomorrow! Can¡¯t wait to see you babe. I love you.¡±
ANYA: ¡°Haha! Maybe we should set the alarm and just close our eyes. Just want to hold u and melt away.¡±
Anya¡¯s sweet and unexpected texts left me to feel like a bona fide jackass as it left me to question my own sanity. Anya showed me she wanted the real thing over phone sex just as badly as I did, just her sweet way of staying connected to me until her kids could no longer dictate her movement. Her show of love also left me to consider a possible need for psychological counseling. How could I question her love for me in any way? A woman who didn¡¯t love me would never make plans to fall asleep in my arms and melt away. To imagine her in someone else¡¯s arms just drove me crazy enough to fill me with a fear that rivaled an act of death-defying proportions. I knew one thing was certain, I was a mental mess at a time I needed a strong mind in every facet of my life. I could take not being loved, but I could never accept being used. If I couldn¡¯t distinguish between the two, and it affected her life when I could be wrong, maybe I had to consider a psychologist to determine my thought process? How could I be so off about her love and intentions?
As I spent another day in Hesperia, Clyde called to tell me what I had already learned; the symposium hosted by Jackson Caiaphas would be next week. He then stressed the importance of networking with everyone at the event, especially Jackson, as I agreed to do so even as trepidation consumed me.
¡°Did you know he¡¯s an acting commissioner for the California State Assembly?¡± Clyde asked.
¡°I didn¡¯t know that.¡± I said.
¡°Oddly enough I didn¡¯t either until this morning.¡± he said. ¡°So, there will be quite a contingent there.¡±
¡°What does he do in that capacity?¡± I asked.
¡°He has the ability to hear cases and new legislation.¡± he said. ¡°He seems to have built significant relationships with city attorneys, city prosecutors, and even judges. There will be other officials from government there, possibly even senators. Most of them are business owners as well. Good people for us to acquaint ourselves with.¡±
¡°I see.¡± I said. ¡°But how did he get to know these people well enough to become a commissioner for the state assembly?¡±
¡°I imagine he rented spaces to them.¡± Clyde informed me. ¡°Some may have been tenants in one of his many office buildings.¡±
¡°Sorry, I¡¯m a little green in the real estate audit arena.¡± I covered. ¡°I¡¯m sure his rent roll reports would reveal that info if we audited him, I imagine.¡±
¡°Did we ever give you any real estate clients, Landyn?¡± he asked.
¡°Nope, just mostly mortgage banking clients.¡± I said.
¡°How are they looking this year?¡±
¡°Last year wasn¡¯t very kind to them.¡± I said. ¡°A lot of loan receivable write-offs.¡±
¡°I¡¯m afraid this recession could be nasty.¡± Clyde forewarned. ¡°Really nasty.¡±
¡°It doesn¡¯t seem the mortgage bankers are prepared for it. Even with a record breaking market and PE ratios through the roof.¡± I said. ¡°They just kept loaning money. Loaning to anyone thinking the market had no reason to crash.¡±
¡°Be a shame if we lost clients due to bankruptcy.¡± he said. ¡°Please be sure to propose a going concern notes disclosure in the financials if you see a significant amount of loan receivable write-offs. We need to protect ourselves here.¡±
¡°I agree. I¡¯ll be sure to do that.¡± I said.
¡°Oh, did you get things straightened out with Jerry?¡±
¡°I did. In fact, I drafted financials for his two clients, but I¡¯m still waiting for him to review it.¡±
¡°Thanks for letting me know.¡± he said. ¡°I¡¯ll go curse him out right now about it.¡±
Clyde then winked at me as a smile broke upon my face. I loved working for Clyde. In every situation, he always backed me and I appreciated him for his support. It¡¯s why I felt so strongly that if he were to learn of Jackson¡¯s improprieties and my relationship with his wife, that he would consider my side of things enough to understand. I believed any decent human being, who knew of Jackson¡¯s transgressions, that he would have very little power left to control and influence them, and it¡¯s why I believed he could never destroy my career. The ¡°truth¡± was the power I had over Jackson, and I couldn¡¯t fathom he wanted any piece of it. I wasn¡¯t out to smear Jackson, or threaten to ruin his career and all his hard work as it would affect both Katie and Andrew if I ever did. I only planned to use the truth to defend myself, if I ever needed to do so. All I wanted to do was make things right for his wife, the love of my life. As much as I disliked Jackson as her husband, and even as a human being, I wasn¡¯t out to destroy the man¡¯s career or to take what he¡¯s built. More than anything, I especially didn¡¯t want to make him look like a bad father. I actually hoped to get along with him and work with him so the kids would be less affected. I never asked to be in his life in the capacity I was. In fact, I never even sought it out. The universe carved me out of nothing into his existence, the night Anya approached me. As much as I felt he deserved to be ¡°outted¡±, for all the things he put Anya through while she carried his child and the lack of remorse he had after Andrew¡¯s premature birth that he caused, I¡¯d never say a single bad thing about him to Katie and Andrew, even if they prodded me to. I only wanted to supplement him, not supplant him as their father. I¡¯m sure they looked up to their Dad as their hero and loved him; I didn¡¯t want to change that. Yes, there were some things he fell short as a father, but all parents fell short somewhere and there were things he did better than most parents. You take the good with the bad, and no one is perfect, but he failed at his most important duty; to be a good husband. He emotionally abused and grossly disrespected a woman I would have died for without a moment¡¯s hesitation. Despite the vows he made on his wedding day, he failed to honor her and instead shamed her. If I had to defend myself, to him, or even God one day, I felt the evidence was overwhelmingly on my side. I knew from day one there could be consequences for my decision to love Anya, but I was ready to face them all from Day one. I¡¯ve read stories in the newspapers about how these could end, and even if I had to stare down the barrel of a gun, I prepared myself for the consequence for the inability of others who were unable to see the sun behind the dawn. I only hoped to do it in a diplomatic and dignified way, but at this point, I had to be ready for anything.
At about five that evening, as I sat in traffic on my way home from Hesperia, Anya texted me a breaking news event.
ANYA: ¡°Did you know Sonomas is no longer? Was sold.¡±
ME: ¡°No way! Wow! How did that happen? Do you have any details?¡±
ANYA: ¡°Was sold to the group that owns ¡°Piranhaz¡±.¡±
ME: ¡°Sounds like they are going for a younger clientele, the college crowd.¡±
ANYA: ¡°That¡¯s what it sounds like to me.¡±
ME: ¡°Oh well, I don¡¯t think Mitch will miss a beat then. What r u up to?¡±
ANYA: ¡°Ha! Special Ed will probably feel more at home now. Home with Andrew. Making him bland dinner cuz he doesn¡¯t feel good. Going to pick up Katie soon. Spent the week with sick kids. Basically I¡¯m swamped with work stuff! What r u doing?¡±
ME: ¡°I¡¯m just on my way home from work. I don¡¯t want you to stress you out any more than you already have. Please don¡¯t feel any pressure if you can¡¯t work it out to see me tomorrow. I¡¯d be disappointed only b/c I want to see you, but I¡¯d totally understand.¡±
I expected her to jump all over this offer; to take the time to catch up on her work instead. As much as I needed to see her, it wasn¡¯t fair if the kids were sick all week and she fell behind on work. I wanted her to know, this wasn¡¯t all about me, but we.
ANYA: ¡°No I want to see u! Like I said I could use a big long hug!¡±
ME: ¡°Ok! My offer is now off the table! Can¡¯t wait to melt away with you babe! I really miss you!¡±
ANYA: ¡°I miss u too! Can¡¯t wait to cuddle with you!¡±
ME: ¡°I can¡¯t wait to have you in my arms tomorrow. I love you.¡±
ANYA: ¡°Me too! I love you!¡±
Although I never heard back from her on this day, the day we first met twenty-two months ago, her pending visit brought me so much positive energy, it didn¡¯t bother me at all. It made me realize as long as I knew I¡¯d see her again, within a short reasonable amount of time, I felt secure that the form of her love was well intentioned. I understood, our love had to be on her terms for the time being, I just trusted it would change. I didn¡¯t realize the more time I gave, the more I¡¯d risk to lose. I thought she would reward me for my patience and understanding, but it seemed every visit, no matter how great it was, she¡¯d leave and left me to wonder if and when I¡¯d see her again. I poured my entire being into our relationship, while the man she married only poured his bodily fluids into his marriage with her. How could I be left to be unrewarded?
The night before her visit, I decided to go to the mall. I then made an unplanned visit to the See¡¯s candies store to pick her up a box of chocolates, specifically her favorite, nuts and chews. As I walked around the mall, I next found myself in a store called Brookstone, a store that sold tech gadgets and other odds and ends. My mother loved this kind of store, where they sold things you wouldn¡¯t even think you needed, until you saw the item on the shelf and went ¡°you know, I could really use a foot-long wooden back scratcher.¡± I had Anya in mind though as I feared her visits might get stale. Anya always seemed to appreciate my simple gestures. When she told me, she was a ¡°simple person¡±, I believed it. To me though, simple was never good enough for her. When we were together, she made me the happiest person alive, and candles and music were nice but she deserved more--those things were nice, but really short changed her value--showing an appreciation for her, but also providing no element of surprise. I wanted to make sure she knew her visits meant the world to me. Unlike her husband who only wanted a release of his bodily fluids, I needed her presence. I wanted to let her know I appreciated her, and the time she gave me. If she believed her visits were stale, she might believe my love for her was as well. I thought I would pick her up a couple of things, just to let her know her visits were important and she was always on my mind wherever I went. Whenever the courting stopped, a relationship usually followed suit.
When the next day came, I placed the ¡°presents¡± I picked up from the mall on her side of the bed.
ANYA: ¡°Here.¡±
Unknown to her, this was her forty-first visit to my gate, and the eighty-first time we¡¯ve been in the physical presence of one another. Each night my apartment felt like a dreary cold cell, but whenever Anya graced its floors, it felt like the most majestic castle. Upon entry, I picked her up in my arms, and with my eyes in hers, led her to my room. I gently laid her down and when I did, she saw the gifts on her side of the bed and her smile lit up my candle lit room. ¡®Very thoughtful of you, babe.¡± she said as her lips met mine.
¡°I thought you could use the massager if your ankle hurts after you run.¡± I said as I took off my shirt then jumped in bed next to her. ¡°I even picked one up for myself, and was even kind enough to give you the pink one.¡±
She laughed then threw herself into my arms. I inhaled in her sweet perfume off her bare body; a scent so good I could¡¯ve breathed it in forever. She thanked me several times and told me how sweet the gifts were as I could tell the event was a rare one for her. We then laid half naked in my bed in each other arms, as our lips and hands tried to reclaim our lost time. As much as I wanted to go there, to experience the deepest acts of intimacy, I feared my emotions might lead to pressure her, so I held back, and used my hand to stimulate her. I pleasured her for about ten minutes and after she climaxed, she looked into my eyes in a way I never seen before; as if I touched a part of her no one ever had. After an hour of an uninterrupted affection, that alleviated our stress and need for each other, I held her in my arms while she gazed into my eyes and waited for me to speak.
¡°Feeling good, babe?¡± I asked.
¡°I love it when your strong hand touches me.¡± she said. ¡°I get so turned on.¡±
¡°Feeling you with my hand makes me want to feel you with another part of me.¡±
¡°Oh. My. God! You¡¯re turning me on again!¡±
¡°The whole time I was touching you, I was imagining how you would feel along my tongue and against my lips.¡±
¡°Anytime you¡¯re ready!¡±
¡°Well¡I¡¯d love to, but I was going pretty good with the hand!¡±
¡°Mmmmm. You were!¡±
¡°Touching you is a huge turn on for me.¡± I said. ¡°Especially when I know you¡¯re enjoying it.¡±
¡°I loved it!¡±
¡°It was really hot how you showed me you loved it.¡± I said.
¡°Natural response.¡±
Loving Anya was as natural to me as her response. I found her spot naturally because I felt naturally connected to her; designed for each other by the universe. I wanted to give her so much more than a mere touch to a preferred spot of pleasure. The way she looked at me, almost seemed to say she couldn¡¯t believe it felt so good, and it behooved me to know, I could¡¯ve made her feel even better as my remarkable restraint drove me to the edge of sanity when I saw how much she loved what I did. I felt women generally disregarded me as a poor lover, but I held enough confidence to believe after one night with me, I could change their mind. Even Denise used to comment I had strong hands as well and that they went ¡°through her¡±, and loved the time we spent in the bedroom together It¡¯s all I ever was to her though, a good time in the sack, as it all meant nothing when she chose someone else. It took me six years to regain my confidence in the bedroom, to have the strength to love someone the only way I knew how to love someone, with my heart and mind. I knew even if I was the world¡¯s greatest lover, if I lost Anya, I could never touch or love someone the same again, and lose all that ever made me a great lover. I would have lost not only Anya, but the woman I knew was my soulmate, and I¡¯d simply lose my ability to love someone like that again. Another reason I restrained myself from loving her as much as I wanted to in the bedroom. Also, there still remained one last thing for Anya to know about me before I could fully reclaim my ability to love in the bedroom; her awareness of the extra bone on my leg, the same protrusion that scared Denise away. At this very moment, I contemplated a decision to tell Anya, to let her know one of the reasons why my restraint in the bedroom existed, but I feared a loss of the momentum I made in my recovery of this missing part of me.
¡°I¡¯m thinking about taking a leave of absence after busy season.¡± I told her.
¡°Would they let you, babe?¡±
¡°I think they will. I really need to reset and find a better balance in my life. I¡¯m going to let them know about my mother¡¯s illness and that I want to spend some time with her.¡±
¡°Have you asked her yet? About something she may be keeping from you?¡±
¡°No, but I plan to.¡± I said. ¡°As much as it might affect me, and I respect how my grandmother handled it, I prefer to know. I have a mental job and need to be prepared for something like that.¡±
¡°When do you plan to ask her?¡±
¡°Next time I visit. I¡¯m going to stay with her on Saturday night and spend Easter morning with her and my Dad.¡±
¡°You¡¯re a good son.¡±
¡°I try.¡± I said.
Just as I spoke her Pink Blackberry phone sprang to life. She then leaned over, grabbed it, laid with it face up on my bed, smiled and showed it to me.
¡°Who is it?¡± I asked. ¡°Is it him?¡±
¡°No. It¡¯s my mom.¡± she said. ¡°Do you want to answer it?¡±
¡°What an honor it would be.¡±
¡°I¡¯m not going to answer it.¡± she said.
¡°Does she usually call you at this time?¡±
¡°Never.¡±
¡°Do you think she may suspect anything?¡±
¡°I don¡¯t know.¡± she said. ¡°I don¡¯t think so.¡±
¡°Kind of crazy how we were just talking about my mom¡¡± I said. ¡°and your mom calls. Do you think they are on to us?¡±
¡°I wish!¡± she laughed.
¡°Your husband would never go to your parents with this, would he?¡± I asked. ¡°He suggested they would be horrified if they knew. It sounded to me like a threat from him because how else would they find out but through him?¡±
¡°I don¡¯t think he would.¡± she said.
I wanted her to follow with ¡°if he did, I would leave him.¡±, but my heart never received the wish it made.
¡°It¡¯s hard for me to not feel tremendous guilt about things.¡± she said.
¡°Tremendous guilt?¡±
¡°Yes. I¡¯m a walking, breathing, living guilt.¡±
¡°You¡¯re not putting a gun to my head, babe.¡± I said.
¡°I know¡but I worry about your emotions.¡± she said. ¡°When you hurt, I hurt.¡±
¡°I¡¯ll have no choice but to walk if I ever hurt you again.¡± I said. ¡°As much as it would destroy me, I¡¯ll have no choice. If I can¡¯t keep my emotions in check, then I need to admit they are too big for me. I don¡¯t want you to ever feel guilty about your true feelings. I¡¯ve put too much trust in them for you to feel guilty about them. The only reason you should feel ever feel guilty, when it comes to your love for me, is if you¡¯re being dishonest about it.¡±
¡°I¡¯m not lying to you.¡±
¡°Then I don¡¯t think you should feel guilty. If I let my emotions get the best of me again and it puts pressure on you, then I¡¯ll have to walk away.¡± I said as I looked into her soft dark eyes and played with her hair. ¡°Can I ask you a question?¡±
¡°Yes, babe.¡±
¡°Has love ever been important to you?¡± I said. ¡°Important enough in your life to have? Do you think love is important for men to have? Or is money more important?¡±
¡°I think men place more value on money than love, and having friends is more important to women.¡± she said. ¡°What do you think?¡±
I felt disheartened by her answer, as it seemed to prove her popularity meant more to her than love did, and the loss of ¡°seventy five percent¡± of her friends if she left Jackson. That her choice to stay for the sake of the kids was predicated upon what others thought of her if she were to leave, as she planned to keep Jackson¡¯s impeccable reputation as her husband intact in their eyes. I began to feel sick to my stomach as I thought of the repercussions of the response to my question. That I could¡¯ve loved her to the greatest of any man¡¯s ability, and it never mattered.
¡°That¡¯s interesting. I generally always thought having financial freedom and being taken care was most important to women. I thought having friends were somewhat of a byproduct from having money. That if men defined themselves by how much money they made, it was because women defined men by such terms. I always believed women, for the most part, drove men to make as much money as possible.¡±
She nodded but not in agreement, as my life experiences up to this point, disallowed me to see it any other way as I tried to further understand the truth behind why she still didn¡¯t know. Was it because Jackson¡¯s money allowed her to have a number of friends she wouldn¡¯t normally have or associate with? I didn¡¯t seem like Anya had any life-long friends, like I did. It appeared she seemed to lose most of those friends when she married Jackson. Didn¡¯t she care about the friends she lost at all when she broke off her engagement, or were those friends always expendable? Or did she realize, when it came to Jackson and his money, she could easily shun those who truly cared about her? As long as she had money and the friends Jackson¡¯s wealth and status afforded her, that she could just shit on everyone else? That the hearts, minds and emotions of others didn¡¯t matter? Each time I tried to see her side of things. Each time I tried to see her pain above my own, her answers left me with questions and doubts. I just wasn¡¯t sold on her kids being vulnerable and too young as the reason she stayed. They were even more vulnerable and younger when we first met almost two years ago. At times I felt her love led me to a den of darkness where lions awaited me, and at times I felt she loved me too much to ever do such a thing, but one thing I knew for certain, it was either the den or her heart she led me to, and there could be no destination in between. There had to be something else, the real reason behind her ¡°I don¡¯t know¡± even beyond her own hopes, wishes and dreams. By the look in Anya¡¯s eyes when I told her my feelings on this issue, told me I was a little closer to the truth.
¡°Thank you for the gifts. Babe.¡± she said. ¡°You didn¡¯t have to.¡±
¡°I felt so bad for you this week, babe, and I felt helpless.¡± I said. ¡°You¡¯re getting pulled in so many directions right now. You¡¯re getting slammed by me, your father, you¡¯re dealing with that woman at the games. I love you and it¡¯s my job to care about your happiness when no one seems to.¡±
She then rolled into my arms as her lips found mine. We kissed and whispered to each other, our mouth inches apart as we spoke. Ten minutes later, when our time expired, and after I brought her back to me a few times with my left arm, I finally let her escape so she wouldn¡¯t be late to pick up her kids at school. When she returned home after pickup and I returned to the darkness of Hesperia, after a long drive, in a fog of emotions, Anya texted me.
ANYA: ¡°Thank u sooo much for everything! You¡¯re the best!¡±
ME: ¡°Thank u for visiting! I had a great time! Miss you!¡±
ANYA: ¡°I had a great time too! Cloud 9! Miss u too!¡±
ME: ¡°Time flies by way too fast whenever I¡¯m with you.¡±
ANYA: ¡°I know! Crazy!¡±
¡°Cloud 9¡± was a perfect description for our time together as I still saw her beautiful soft dark eyes in mine, but I wanted to see her face every day and it hurt me to know I wouldn¡¯t know when I¡¯d get to see her again. Within my point of missing, I considered how a person who worked at a gas station got to see Anya, and could even talk to her out in public, when her best friend, the man she loved, couldn¡¯t. All of her ¡°friends¡± could do the same, while her ¡°best friend¡± remained a horrible secret. All that love I gave her, everything I poured of myself because I trusted her, yet I remained her ¡°secret¡±, as if my love was her was horrific, and Jackson¡¯s so pure. Sure, these people didn¡¯t share the same things with her I did, but they had freedoms I wasn¡¯t allowed, and I was the man she loved. I didn¡¯t want Anya to feel any more guilt, or any pressure from me, but if she truly loved me, why did she care about losing seventy five percent of her friends when she had more to gain with me? Were they even friends to begin with if they couldn¡¯t respect her reasons or appreciate the love, she found in me? Unexpectedly, I felt even more empty than when Anya left my side in San Diego. I tried to focus on the good feelings after her visit thought, and was able to combat the negative energy my mind tried to feed off from.
When I got home, I texted to see what she was up to.
ANYA: ¡°Just hanging out with Andrew. Did you talk to your mom tonight, babe?¡±
ME: ¡°I¡¯m going to give her a call before I go to bed.¡±
ANYA: ¡°Tell her I said hello. Giggles!¡±
ME: ¡°Oh I will! I¡¯m sure she would get a kick out of that. She will tell me to say hello to you too.¡±
ANYA: ¡°Really? Thank u again for the thoughtful gifts. U know I broke into the chocolate box!¡±
ME: ¡°Haha! I¡¯m glad! Now you¡¯re making me hungry! You¡¯re welcome.¡±
ANYA: ¡°Thank u! Muah!¡±
When I closed my eyes to say goodbye to the day, her texts helped me to focus on the good feelings her visit brought me; a great day together we both needed to keep our hopes alive. The next day, a Saturday, I didn¡¯t hear much from Anya as I tried to stave off the flow of any negative energy in her silence. When I did hear from her, after I texted her from work to see how she was doing, I started to feel better.
ANYA: ¡°Just finishing up last min touches on Katie¡¯s room b4 I pick her up from her friend¡¯s. She¡¯s going to be sooo excited!¡±
ME: ¡°What else is there left to do?¡±
ANYA: ¡°Curtains, lamps, knobs, pictures, etc. Have an hour! Ahhhh!¡±
ME: ¡°She¡¯s going to love it! I¡¯ll let you get back at it!¡±
ANYA: ¡°Thx! Creative juices flowing!¡±
Anything Anya did for her kids never bothered me as I wished I could¡¯ve helped her get it all done, or at least the parts of her project she could¡¯ve used a man¡¯s help with. I admired Anya in a lot of ways, and her love for her kids was one of the reasons I loved her as much as I did. As much agony it caused me when I felt she pit them against me, against us, and against her happiness, I appreciated her for it. She carried them in her womb for nine months and no man could possibly understand the bond she shared with them, especially me. For her to go through what she did, at a time she really needed Jackson, would always strike an emotional chord within me as I empathized with her pain greatly. My struggle is that I didn¡¯t expect this to be an issue if she loved me. I didn¡¯t expect her kids to be the reason she stayed after what she told me in the beginning. It almost felt as if my love was hijacked, but for her to allow and encourage me to love her so deeply only spoke volumes about her pain, and her need for love. If she went through less than honest lengths to have love, to a point she admitted she couldn¡¯t help it, then that only fueled my fire and belief in all I fought for her to have. How could she not realize for her to stay with Jackson at this point represented a complete denial of her own self? Some choices mothers made to stay for the sake of their kids were valid sacrifices to make, however I felt such sacrifices should never come at the cost of their character or well being. I could never understand a mother¡¯s sacrifice under those terms, especially after we¡¯ve shared so much of ourselves with each other.
When I returned home from the office, I needed to find another outlet for those times I missed Anya, so I decided to tune my acoustic-electric guitar, a hobby I picked up after Denise left me. As I tried to remember a tune I used to know how to play, Metallica¡¯s ¡°Fade to Black¡±, Anya sent me a text.
ANYA: ¡°What are you doing?¡±
ME: ¡°I tuned my guitar and I¡¯m messing around with it. Glad you¡¯re not here to witness this! Still thinking about how great yesterday was. What r u doing? I miss you.¡±
I laid my phone down and thought I would hear from her immediately, but I played my guitar for about another hour before I did.
ANYA: ¡°Sorry went for a run. That¡¯s great! Andrew loves the guitar! I know yesterday was just what the Doctor ordered! I miss you too babe.¡±
I don¡¯t know why, I guess my sadness worked on my mind that way, but I put my guitar away when I heard back from Anya as I anticipated it would be the last time, I heard from her for the rest of the evening. When I heard she ran in the afternoon, another oddity, I feared she had plans with Jackson on this night, and it got my wheels to spin in the mud yet again. Although, my journal was the only other outlet that helped me with the longing, even that began to provide no comfort as I couldn¡¯t help the emptiness. When she asked me what I was doing, it got my hopes up I might get to see her, but I was wrong. It found it strange she went for a run the second after she had just sent me a text. As I went to a dark place, I decided to go to pick up my mail from the office. When I retrieved it, in the stack was a pink envelope. When I saw the pink envelope, my heart rate increased as I jogged back to my apartment, and even up my stairs so I could open it quicker in private. A card emerged from the envelope that read on the front.
¡°On the highway of life, there are many challenges¡¡±
When I opened the card, it read.
¡°And through all of them, just remember I¡¯m in your lane.¡±
At the bottom of the card she wrote
¡°Love, Anya
Xxxoxoxoxoxoxooxox¡±
All I could do, at that point, was bury my head in my hands and cry, never more moved by a card. To receive such a thing from someone I loved so much, at a time I struggled without her, I thought could only happen in the movies. I then composed myself, wiped the tears from my eyes and texted Anya to thank her for a show of love, at a time I desperately needed it.
ANYA: ¡°I love you very much babe.¡±
When she put her name on the card, it meant so much. She even put a return address on the envelope, and took a chance it could be returned to its sender. It was a show of love and trust I had to remember each time I struggled. Each time I worried about her form of love. Each time I thought of the missing piece around why she didn¡¯t know. I had to think of how her presence surrounded me in this most unexpected form, the sweetest one yet. On a night I knew I¡¯d hurt; she knew she had to reach me. I felt so much; I didn¡¯t know how to process the pain other as it made more logical sense if she didn¡¯t truly love me. If I knew that, I might have a chance to survive if I lost her, but the reality remained dark, I would miss her love too much, even air would never be enough to sustain my existence.
With the news of Sonomas closing, I feared I¡¯d never see ¡°our office¡± again. Since I knew Anya wouldn¡¯t be able to join me before it closed, I decided to visit and get the inside scoop from the people who worked there. If they had plans to tear it down, I wanted to remember our night together when she asked me ¡°Would you fight for me¡±, and the night she revealed I had swept her off her feet, what was required of me when we first met to receive a promise to leave. Unfortunately, this also meant I probably had to tolerate Mitch¡¯s presence, but I also wanted to see what would become of his life if Sonomas ceased to exist.
When I reached the establishment at about nine-thirty that evening, I was greeted at the door by Howard, a large hefty bouncer there for at least the last ten years, as he informed me of the change in ownership before I could even ask.
¡°You heard the news, right?¡± as he presented his fist at me to bump.
¡°So, I guess it¡¯s true then.¡± I said as my fist met his own. ¡°Do you know if they are closing the place down?¡±
¡°Not sure, man. Not sure.¡± he said with his deep husky voice.
¡°Do you know why they decided to sell? It¡¯s still a popular place.¡±
¡°They want a younger more ¡°hip¡± crowd.¡± he said. ¡°They¡¯re tired of all the manthers and the cougars prowlin¡¯ around the joint.¡±
¡°A more ¡°hip¡± crowd?¡± I asked jokingly. ¡°What am I chopped liver?¡±
¡°Shit, dude. Whatchu talkin¡¯ bout? You don¡¯t even come here anymore.¡± he said. ¡°The last time I saw you, you were walkin¡¯ outta here with some hot Asian chick.¡±
¡°I¡¯ve been here a few more times since then.¡± I said.
¡°Well, it¡¯s different here now anyways. You ain¡¯t missin¡¯ shit, man¡± he said. ¡°And you kept that one dude in line.¡±
¡°Who? Mitch?¡±
¡°Yeah, Bitch. I mean¡Mitch. Whatever his name is.¡± he confirmed. ¡°Dude¡¯s a fuckin¡¯ train wreck, man. I¡¯ve had to kick him out of here at least ten times over the last six months. He¡¯s always giving the ladies a hard time.¡±
¡°Why do you keep letting him back in?¡± I asked.
¡°I don¡¯t know¡it¡¯s kind of fun watchin¡¯ him get shut down.¡± he said. ¡°As long as he keeps his hands to himself. He¡¯s cool. He¡¯s done that¡for the most part.¡±
I nodded, but unsure I agreed with his reason, as it seemed everyone, even the staff, had very little respect for the women. At the time I started to frequent Sonomas I was down on women. They seemed to have zero respect for me, so I felt inclined to return the sentiment, but I just never had it in me to be the asshole they needed a man to be. Sonomas was a place men went to house their bitterness, but when I met Anya, it saved me from taking up residence here. When Anya said she liked to think we both saved each other, she was right.
After my conversation with Howard, I walked directly to ¡°our office¡± and stood inside it, empty, for probably the last time. I brought myself before the part of the wall, the one Anya leaned upon when her soft dark eyes spoke to me in desperation and then asked me if I would fight for her. Those same eyes, with all the love that had to be in the world in them, gazed even deeper then told me ¡°You¡¯ve swept me off my feet¡±, the only thing I needed to do for her to gift me a promise. A scene transpired that seemed just like yesterday, but over a year ago. I then touched that part of the wall and brought my hand to my nose, with the outrageous of hopes, that maybe her scent rubbed off against it. I stood there longer as I hoped maybe we were connected enough, she knew where I stood, but my phone never moved nor blinked, and doorway as inanimate as ever. Now over a year later, I stood alone in front of the same wall, in front of a ghost, and unsure of the future as the employees of Sonomas felt about theirs. I felt like I worked for a company, who promised me payment when they made enough money to get off the ground, yet even after they made their first sale, never came through with payment. I felt Anya and I had, in essence, a verbal agreement she instead chose to breach, but I couldn¡¯t find complete fault in her, because love looked inside before it went outside. Even as I stood before an apparition, I felt like a soul damned to this part of the bar for all eternity, unwilling to ever trek outside. For the first time, I considered it wasn¡¯t my heart that was broken, but rather my mind; the only reason it felt like my heart was.
After a half hour inside ¡°our office¡±, I broke away from the haunted area and decided to head home and to end the night. As I walked out into the bar area, I saw no trace of Carolyn and Debbie, or my Anya, but seconds later I was greeted by the bar¡¯s own living legend and fixture.
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¡°What¡¯s up?¡± Mitch asked as he jerked his head upwards as he sat at the bar perched next to a woman that must have weighed more than the bar itself.
¡°Hey, nothing. I¡¯m just leaving.¡±
¡°Did you hear the news?¡± he said as he rose and approached me.
¡°Yeah, I heard. Howard told me.¡± I said. ¡°I guess that¡¯s going to turn your life a little upside down.¡±
¡°Not as much as yours already is.¡± he shot back.
All I could do was nod in disagreement.
¡°I guess the real question is where you¡¯ll go when she leaves you behind and blames you for all the trouble in her life.¡± he said. ¡°Did you ask her for a promise yet?¡±
¡°No.¡± I lied.
¡°You should do it.¡± he said. ¡°I bet she plays dumb with ya¡like ¡°What? Why would you ask me that? You know my situation. You¡¯re an asshole.¡±.¡±
¡°I¡¯m not going to pressure her.¡± I said. ¡°and you can¡¯t make assumptions about my situation based on your experiences, because you don¡¯t know everything there is to know. So¡ it¡¯s easy for you to make judgments.¡±
¡°What don¡¯t I know?¡¯
¡°She mailed me a card yesterday.¡± I said. ¡°A very sweet thoughtful card.¡±
¡°Yeah, but did she suck your dick?¡±
¡°No. And what would that prove anyway?¡±
¡°It¡¯s better than a fucking card.¡±
¡°I want to be with her so I¡¯ll take the card.¡± I said.
¡°Yeah, but you should just take the BJ. At least you¡¯ll get something out of it.¡± I said. ¡°Let me ask you a question.¡±
I just looked at him because I knew he was going to ask it regardless.
¡°Does she love you? Does she miss you?¡± he asked. ¡°Cause I don¡¯t see her here tonight.¡±
¡°She has to be at home with her kids, Mitch. It¡¯s a Saturday night.¡±
¡°She could let the kids sleep over someone¡¯s house. My bet is she¡¯s out with her husband tonight, it¡¯s date night for them. She¡¯s partyin¡¯ it up like a rockstar, gettin¡¯ shitfaced, and fuckin¡¯ him while you¡¯re here at Sonomas with both hands in your pockets.¡± he said. ¡°That card was just another way to mislead and bullshit you. Another tool out of her shed to fool the tool.¡±
¡°She tells me she loves me and misses me all the time.¡± I said. ¡°Why would she have any reason to come out here anyway? She doesn¡¯t know I¡¯m here. To see your miserable ass?¡±
¡°Hasn¡¯t she been like¡tellin¡¯ you those things for the last two years now?¡± he asked. ¡°I see a lot of tellin¡¯ but not a lot of showin¡¯.¡±
¡°It¡¯s not just about me.¡± I said. ¡°She has kids. She shows me when she needs to.¡±
¡°It¡¯s you and the kids, Landyn.¡± He said. ¡°You and the kids.¡±
¡°I know, but it¡¯s not that simple.¡± I said. ¡°She has concerns for them.¡±
¡°She has concerns for herself, Landyn. That¡¯s why she¡¯s still there. That¡¯s why she¡¯s not here.¡± he rambled on. ¡°If she loved you, if she missed you, nothing would stop her. I had this happen to me once. It¡¯s why I know. It¡¯s why I¡¯m vocal about it. I just never bought it for two years.¡±
¡°I think she has the right to be cautious about this.¡± I defended. ¡°It¡¯s not an easy thing a mother to make a decision based on her own happiness. I love that about her; that¡¯s she¡¯s not able to do that. She¡¯s visited my place over forty times. We¡¯ve hung out over eighty times. I favor our statistics, and it¡¯s nothing close to what you experienced with that bitch you hooked up with. I¡¯m sorry she left you so bitter, but she¡¯s not Anya. Not even close. You¡¯ll see.¡±
¡°Ninety-eight. Two.¡± He replied.
¡°Whatever. Later.¡± I said as I walked out in exasperation.
As I sat inside my car, I didn¡¯t start it as I chose to stew over Mitch¡¯s assessment of Anya¡¯s love for me. I reasoned he just wanted someone to hang out with again. Someone to keep him in line and out of trouble. Someone to offer him a free ride instead of an expensive cab ride home. He knew girls gave him more of a chance with me around, as I legitimized him in some way, but I also didn¡¯t want them to associate me with him based on his crude behavior. He was a dude I met there and not a lifelong friend or even a friend I considered to be a good one. The sale of Sonomas had to be a good thing as the place seemed to promote debauchery. If it wasn¡¯t Mitch, it was Carolyn and the cop, and those were only the instances of which I was aware of. I believed my relationship was the only one of decency to come out of the place, but if Anya still didn¡¯t know, then how did it differ from any of the others?
I woke up the next morning disoriented, as if I had been drinking. After I answered the red light that blinked on my phone to read Anya¡¯s early ¡°good morning¡± text, I texted her back to inform her for the late response.
ME: ¡°Good morning. Just woke up.¡±
Since Anya never texted me back, I decided to go to the gym to sneak in a Sunday morning workout, a rarity these days for me. When I returned to my car after the workout, I saw Anya had texted me.
ANYA: ¡°Just got out of KB. Whatcha doin?¡±
ME: ¡°Hi babe! Just got out of the gym. How r u?¡±
She usually texted me now five to ten minutes later on the average whereas in the past she¡¯d text me back immediately. She responded to my text in less than a minute though as I feared my short morning text may have worried her.
ANYA: ¡°Good! It¡¯s beautiful out! Just hanging w/the kiddos.¡±
ME: ¡°It is a beautiful day! Not as beautiful as you though, but not too shabby either!¡±
ANYA: ¡°Ha! Thx babe! I love you!¡±
ME: ¡°I love you too!¡±
It warmed my heart to see Anya receptive to my comparison of her beauty text as it set the tone for me to have a day full of positive thoughts. As the day carried on, she kept me ¡°in the know¡±.
ANYA: ¡°The kids raided the chocolate box!¡±
ME: ¡°Haha! Good for them! Did I tell you you¡¯re the first girl I¡¯ve ever bought a box of chocolates for?
ANYA: ¡°Seriously?¡±
ME: ¡°It¡¯s true.¡±
ANYA: ¡°Well I thought it was very sweet and thoughtful of you. You¡¯re an angel, my love.¡±
ME: ¡°Thanks babe. Just wanted you to know I¡¯m always listening and thinking of you.¡±
ANYA: ¡°I love you forever.¡±
To be referred to has as an ¡°angel¡± fueled me even more to find the emotional resolve within to make this work. It frustrated me too, only in the sense how she was unable to vouch for me. Why couldn¡¯t she be proud enough to defend me if she viewed me as an ¡°angel¡±. At least enough to make me a promise that one day she would leave him? At this point, I couldn¡¯t understand why the opportunity to stay with Jackson forever could ever exist, even after the kids left home, and it was just her and him. Even with her kids involved, she knew I came into this with only the best of intentions, and was still here because she and I both still believed in them. The lack of a promise though, even if she couldn¡¯t leave at this moment, is what threatened to wreak havoc on my mind and heart. On this Sunday, her love shone through for me, even at the end of the night. The night of the week she usually devoted to the fa?ade.
ANYA: ¡°Goodnight babe. I love you.¡±
Anya was the most loving woman I knew on this planet, and I found it tragic her kids never knew that about their own mother. Nearly two months ago, Anya sent me a letter to let me go, but it only proved one thing; she never could because she knew where love truly resided. To let me go was to also let go of being truly loved. How could she ask the man who knew this, to allow her to ever make such a choice? I had to find a way to look at the things I struggled with differently. Something I couldn¡¯t do it with mistrust, but with love. If I continued to be frustrated, even as warranted as it was at times, she would use it against me. I had to be both rational and articulate whenever I communicated with her, to be the voice of reason and not the voice of fear. Although we¡¯ve had some really good times together, by far the greatest times of my life, our best times together were still ahead of us. I needed to be a little more patient than I¡¯ve ever been. Regardless of what Mitch thought, I could tell she really missed me on a day she usually never seemed to. She responded quicker to my texts and even wished me a good morning and goodnight, things she rarely did anymore, especially on a Sunday with her kids there. She even thanked me more than once for the gifts and sent me the most thoughtful card I¡¯ve ever received. I began to be consumed by guilt as I recalled her cries during our last arguments; ¡°I have no one¡±, ¡°you¡¯re not listening¡±, and ¡°my heart is bleeding, happy?¡± I could never be happy if her heart bled simply because it only led mine to bleed even more. I came to learn, no matter how frustrated I got, the pain would only circle back around to me, an emotional boomerang. Anya needed my love and I couldn¡¯t let her down. I knew she was ¡°the one¡± without the time to consider it; her love hit me so hard--I just knew. I had to be more understanding about her kids. To find a way to not take this so personally and try to sell her on the benefits for them if she left. On how our love could only help them more than it ever could hurt them.
With a lot on my mind, and with another long work week ahead of me, I decided I couldn¡¯t hold out any longer as I made a visit to see my mom. To learn the truth about the prognosis of her illness, so I could fall asleep and be ready for the new week ahead of me. When I returned home, my mother gave me assurances she would tell me if a doctor gave her months, or even a certain number of days to live. Before I fell asleep however, I sent Anya a few late texts to share with her the details of the conversation I had with my mother.
ME: ¡°Hi babe. My mom finds out from the oncologist on the 16th if the chemo is working or not. She told me when she was diagnosed with bone cancer, the doctor gave her 3 years to live. It¡¯s now year 6. At the time, her oncologist told her she was the longest known living case of cancer patients who used the drug Femarra. When he told my mother, ¡°You were only given 3 years but the drug had given her 6¡±, she told him ¡°The drug gave me 3 years, but God gave her 3 more.¡±
ME: ¡°I mentioned taking the leave of absence from work only because if the chemo wasn¡¯t working, I didn¡¯t think I¡¯d have much time left with her. I think there¡¯s a strong possibility that the lesions on her skull could enter into her brain, and at that point, she may be gone sooner even if she¡¯s still alive. I¡¯m afraid of it happening so quick, and since my job is 100% mental, I think it¡¯s a good idea for me and also the firm, if I took a leave if possible. My mom has always been there for me so now it¡¯s my time to be there for her.¡±
ME: ¡°Your card really cheered me up babe. I¡¯ve added it to the Anya shrine in my room. It really touched me and was very sweet of you. Thank you so much again for it. It meant a lot. I love you forever.¡±
The next morning, she responded.
ANYA: ¡°Good morning. Thank you for sharing last night. It helps me understand better what¡¯s going on. I hope you can take a leave.¡±
ME: ¡°Good morning. I hope so too. I can only imagine you must have a busy week ahead of you because the kids were out sick all last week.¡±
ANYA: ¡°YES! Big time catch up! Have lots going on. I¡¯m so sorry about your mom babe. When she goes in on the 16th, r u going with her?¡±
ME: ¡°Thanks Sweetheart. My mother told me she didn¡¯t want me to go. My dad is going though, so I might go regardless. I¡¯ll let you go babe so you can get cranking! Have a good day! I miss you.¡±
ANYA: ¡°I miss you too.¡±
As the day continued, and silence prevailed on my phone, I decided to text to let her know she was on my mind.
ME: ¡°Still very touched by my card. You¡¯re just so beautiful babe, inside and out. I hope you know that. I love you.¡±
ANYA: ¡°Still very touched by your thoughtful gifts! I love you forever.¡±
When Anya upped the ante, as she added a ¡°forever¡± to her ¡°I love you¡±, it helped me to focus and finish out the rest of my work day on the highest of notes.
Later that evening when I got home from work, I texted her to see if she had physical therapy the next day, and to gauge if she had time to see me this week.
ANYA: ¡°Hi! Sorry got busy w/the kids and then been on the phone with a friend who was complaining about her husband. Just got off! Yes, PT tom. I miss u babe. How r u?¡±
I responded to her text in kind, then both wished each other a goodnight. Mondays were hard for me to adjust to emotionally, even when I felt secure. Anya¡¯s phone conversation with a friend though, who complained about her husband, led me to wonder if Anya ever complained to her friends about Jackson. Since Carolyn and Debbie both adored me, she had to have told them something about him, just not the whole story. Or did she field complaints from her friends about their husbands without reciprocation? To lead them to believe she had the perfect marriage and family life? It just made me wonder about the show she put on for others, who weren¡¯t as close to her as me, Carolyn and Debbie were. I had to find a way to convince my mind, that some of the things she shared with others didn¡¯t mean she didn¡¯t love me or miss me less, but rather the opposite. If she did have complaints about Jackson though, did they have the potential to hurt me and that¡¯s why she chose to go through other friends? Or did she not want to give me the impression she would do the same to me if we got married? I would hope she knew I wasn¡¯t perfect, and could always feel safe to come to me directly with her complaints so I always had the opportunity to make it right for her. Men could be insensitive and stupid at times, and I was no different.
The next day, the seventh day of April, and one day away from Jackson¡¯s symposium, I heard from Anya briefly to wish me a good morning, so I decided to check up with her on my lunch break to see how her physical therapy went.
ANYA: ¡°Hi babe! Ok so yes, but got a call from the school nurse right after I dropped the kids off to pick up Andrew because he wasn¡¯t feeling good. He got in my car and threw up! So I cancelled PT and dropped the car off to have it detailed. He¡¯s asleep now.¡±
ME: ¡°OMG! Poor Andrew. He must have been trying to fight that the entire time he was in class. I¡¯m so sorry to hear that babe. That will definitely knock your day out of whack.¡±
It brought me back to the time when I was about ten years old. I told my mother and father, I wasn¡¯t feeling well, but my father thought I had made it up, and told me I had to go with them to Bob¡¯s for dinner. I sat in that booth with nausea for twenty minutes before I let loose in the restaurant. My parents were really embarrassed, but both of them felt bad because I warned them in advance. At ten years of age, I didn¡¯t understand how it made the people who dined near us felt, but I¡¯m sure I ruined a few meals that evening. When Anya told me the story, I wish I had been there to help her out, as that was all came back to mind.
Later that evening when I returned home from work, I texted Anya to see how the rest of her day went and how Andrew was feeling.
ANYA: ¡°He¡¯s better thx. Whew! Rough day! You¡¯re not going to believe this but I just dropped Suki¡¯s glass food bowl and the glass shattered all over the place!¡±
Just like the glass bowl, my heart shattered in pieces for Anya as I read her text. She lived a hectic existence and with the little help she had, it only made me want to be with her that much more to help her during times like this; to let her know she had a team player on her side who wanted to take the stress off her plate. Even as tired as I was after work, I wished I could¡¯ve been there to sweep up the glass, to take care of Andrew, and to help Katie with her homework, so she could just read a book to get her mind off the day. I didn¡¯t believe these happenings were coincidence, but rather signs. Signs from the universe so she couldn¡¯t ignore the option of her heart. The woman at her son¡¯s games could not be pure coincidence anymore than Andrew¡¯s upset stomach or a broken glass bowl were. Someone, or something was trying to reach her, who knew and witnessed our struggle. The louder the Universe spoke, and the more stress Anya incurred, she could no longer ignore the increasing reasons to leave. If having me in her life and being in love with me wasn¡¯t enough evidence all the stars could muster, they would only provide her with more over time.
ME: ¡°Today surely hasn¡¯t been your day! I¡¯m sorry it¡¯s been such a rough day for you. I wish I could help.¡±
ANYA: ¡°No it hasn¡¯t been. Tom is another day! Thank you! I¡¯m going to meet the girls for a drink cuz I need one!¡±
ME: ¡°Tom will be a better day for sure. Please be careful. I miss you. I love you.¡±
ANYA: ¡°Yup! I¡¯m only going to meet them for one. That¡¯s all I need. I miss you. I love you.¡±
Instead of my arms, she turned to alcohol to solve her stress. It broke my heart to imagine her one day on a bed, like my mother, to imagine Katie or Andrew faced with the sight of the back of their mother¡¯s bald head as she laid on a pillow when they walked into her room. Anya had to be selfish in this situation; she put herself in harm¡¯s way everyday as Jackson was too busy, obsessed with his political agenda. A nanny couldn¡¯t be there all the time, and she needed his help. I learned Anya only developed a palate for fine wine because this mountain of stress drove her to seek solace in it. If she needed to reach for alcohol in times of distress, we were more connected than I even believed we were, as that same need in me existed whenever I reached for a Vicodin; just to feel fifteen minutes of euphoria to replace the sting of her absence. I felt we were on the cusp, the verge of being together one day, but if I got frustrated, it would only push her further away, as moments like this were one of the many reasons I believed in the goodness of our love. Her bad day left me unable to sleep, and as I wrote in my journal to help deal with my concern for her, she sent me a text two minutes past eleven.
ANYA: ¡°Still up?¡±
ME: ¡°I am babe. How are you doing?¡±
ANYA: ¡°Good! Had two Coronas w/the girls. Just what I needed! Whatcha doin?¡±
ME: ¡°Just thinking of you babe. Writing in my journal. I couldn¡¯t go to sleep. I was worried.¡±
ANYA: ¡°Thank you. I¡¯m good baby. Time for me to say nite nite.¡±
As she ended our exchange, I felt helpless, as I wished she opened up to me rather than have two Coronas with the girls. Although she informed me of her bad day, why did she suddenly confide in others? It left me to feel why choose a day of happiness if she just planned to sacrifice it anyway? A part of me died inside tonight as I failed to bottle up any of the positive thoughts I had earlier. After all I¡¯ve given, I finished second to a bottle of Corona. Part of me believed she made a decision to no longer confide in me, afraid I¡¯d pressure her to do the right thing, heaven forbid. She could love me any way she pleased, at any time she pleased, but if I did the same, it could only be perceived as ¡°pressure¡±, and not love. If Carolyn and Debbie were true friends, I couldn¡¯t understand how they could convince her to stay after all they knew. When I went to bed with this negative energy on my mind, a bad night¡¯s sleep was the last thing I needed. I had to get adequate rest especially with the symposium the following day. I then did the only thing I could, to take my negative energy and compose it into a text message to her.
ME: ¡°I was going through old texts u sent me over the last 16 months. You have said so many sweet things to me. It goes to prove you can really touch me from anywhere. I¡¯ve never had someone love or care so much. The things u tell me, the things u do for me, and the way u treat me is the way love should feel. I always knew it was supposed to feel this way. It¡¯s definitely a first in my life. Sometimes I feel though I¡¯ve punished you b/c of the girls I met before you. They weren¡¯t very good to me and I kind of resort back to the way they treated me. How they made me feel like such a fool. Anyway, what I¡¯ve experienced with you is nothing close to what I¡¯ve experienced with them. I¡¯ve always believed in the love you¡¯ve shown me.¡±
ME: ¡°You¡¯ve told me men judge themselves upon the wealth they can accumulate. I¡¯m not saying money isn¡¯t important to have b/c it¡¯s essential to survive, but I¡¯d rather be judged by how much someone loves me (you) and by happy I¡¯ve made them more than how much money I¡¯ve made. Having love and being in love is how I judge my worth in this world; always have, always will. Sorry for the rant! I wish I could¡¯ve been there for you today, babe. I would¡¯ve cleaned your car and took care of the broken glass for you. Then I would¡¯ve held you in my arms until u fell asleep and forgotten all about your bad day. Tomorrow (now today) will be a better one my love. It can¡¯t get any worse! It just has to be! JK! I love you babe. Goodnight again.¡±
After I sent these texts off, I felt a lot better and was able to fall asleep. When I woke up the next morning, afraid to learn she didn¡¯t respond, I finally mustered up the courage to look at my phone after ten minutes of a pep talk to myself in the event she didn¡¯t respond. When I looked at my phone and saw my phone¡¯s red light on, I actually felt the relief run through my body.
ANYA: ¡°Good morning! Thank you for the texts last night. That was very sweet of you. It just sucks we¡¯re not together.¡±
ME: ¡°Good morning! It sure does. Busy day I bet for you. Is Andrew feeling better?¡±
ANYA: ¡°He¡¯s better, babe! Yes, busy and you will be in my thoughts every step of the way! I love you!¡±
ME: ¡°The day is already better! Andrew is well again! I¡¯m really happy to hear that! Have a good day babe! You¡¯ll be in my thoughts as well! Love you, too!¡±
Anya was right; it really did suck we weren¡¯t together as I hope it resonated inside of her to make it a reality. How could the life of her kids be any worse, if her life was so much better and less stressful? I wasn¡¯t convinced they received the best mom as long as she stayed with Jackson. They only got an older, less efficient version of her, like an older, less efficient version of operating system software that couldn¡¯t function properly with new computer programs that required more memory. I couldn¡¯t believe the well-being of her kids could possibly be intact without her well-being intact as well. The universe played its hand and relied on me to find a way for her to trust in the stars now.
On the day of the symposium, I coordinated with Kevin that morning, as we agreed to take separate cars and meet there at seven sharp. When Clyde entered my office, I hoped he offered me a last-minute chance to back out, but he only wanted to make sure I knew the symposium was ¡°tonight¡±. Later that afternoon, while on my lunch break, I texted Anya.
ME: ¡°Missing you.¡±
ANYA: ¡°Missing u too! I miss kissing u!¡±
ME: ¡°There¡¯s not one thing I don¡¯t miss about you.¡±
ANYA: ¡°Is it your lunch time? It is beautiful out. Always thinking of u. I love you.¡±
ME: ¡°My lunch break just ended. It¡¯s a beautiful day. A good day to be at our beach! With each heartbeat, I¡¯m thinking of you. I love you, too.¡±
Anya¡¯s simple text snapped me out of my morning funk. Her text gave me a sudden rush of adrenaline as her text made me feel so good to know she missed my lips as much as I missed hers. I couldn¡¯t help but pour my heart out to her every chance I got. I just needed her to know how much she meant to me as I wanted her to feel safe with her feelings. To know without any doubt, I felt the same way, and in a lot of ways, even more. As my day continued on, and I became more stressed as the event was now only a few hours away, the Anya I knew and loved, the one I wanted her kids to know like I did, made an appearance with an uninitiated, out of the blue text.
ANYA: ¡°I love you forever.¡±
Even sixteen months after we met, these uninitiated texts of love she sent, could end my darkest moments and destroy any negative thoughts I had about anything; work, mom, and even love. She had a healing power over me I could only describe to be ¡°Jesus-like¡± as I felt like a man raised from the dead. Why she had that power over me only the universe could have created or known. I felt so hopeless at times, that if things worked out with Anya, how could I further deny the presence of a higher power, if not the Bible¡¯s God? Her love, the way she loved me, and how much it meant to me, made it possible for me to believe in the impossible. For Anya to come into my life and for the good times to feel so good and right, someone or something, must have loved me more than I ever believed they did, even as that same entity tried to take my mother from me. Maybe this was the trade-off? Was Anya brought into my life to soothe the loss of my mother? I needed and wanted both though, not one or the other. These were how my thoughts would go, from the greatest belief to a horrific disbelief.
ME: ¡°You must have read my mind. I love you forever.¡±
As my workday further crept and neared the early evening hour, Anya sent me some more of herself out of the clear blue.
ANYA: ¡°Muah!¡±
Her unexpected texts filled my heart with happiness at a time I needed her fuel, just before the symposium hosted by the man who denied her the happiness, we both deserved.
ME: ¡°You¡¯re the best, babe. Muah!¡±
ANYA: ¡°No u r!¡±
ME: ¡°No, you got me licked!¡±
About two hours later, as the clock struck six p.m., an hour away from sharing the same room with Jackson Caiaphas, for the first time since he came by the office almost a year ago, Anya again hit me with her love one more time.
ANYA: ¡°I really miss you.¡±
ME: ¡°I really miss you too. It¡¯s tough.¡±
ANYA: ¡°What¡¯s tough?¡±
ME: ¡°Not knowing when I¡¯ll see you again.¡±
ANYA: ¡°It is.¡±
ME: ¡°Wish I could see you this week. Is there a chance I can?¡±
ANYA: ¡°I would love to but I¡¯m totally swamped babe. Overwhelmed.¡±
ME: ¡°I totally understand.¡±
ANYA: ¡°I feel so bad.¡±
ME: ¡°Don¡¯t feel bad at all, babe! I know you would if you could! Both of your kids were sick and yesterday set you behind the eight ball too. I only have one more week of busy season and a vacation in a few weeks.¡±
ANYA: ¡°I can¡¯t help it. I¡¯m like a walking guilt!¡±
ME: ¡°I don¡¯t want you to feel guilty about things out of your control, babe. I understand. I know you would if you could.¡±
ANYA: ¡°You know I would. R u home now?¡±
ME: ¡°I actually have a company event tonight after work so I won¡¯t be home until late. What r u up to? Any plans tonight?¡±
ANYA: ¡°Just finished dinner. I¡¯m supposed to be at Andrew¡¯s game right now but not going. The ¡°witch¡± is there and not in the mood to go.¡±
After I read her text, this was proof she really missed me. A bold move by her, one that would only perturb Jackson to know why she refused to go to their son¡¯s game. Today, I felt a shift; a movement towards me as the universe had lined up all these false ¡°coincidences¡± perfectly. It seemed she began to realize, after her kids were both sick, how she could use my help and how the extra stress without it seemed unnecessary. My intentions were pure and never said just to get a promise. I¡¯d help her in every way imaginable and stay focused on my career to give her the things she needed to make it a smooth transition, for her and the kids. At this point, I would lose my career without her as her love carried my drive, my focus, and my success. Without her love, I¡¯d lose all I worked so hard for. A power she had I could never reveal to her because she would only feel more guilt. Although I felt it wasn¡¯t unreasonable to feel she should feel obligated to be with me, I didn¡¯t want to make her feel that obligation existed, as I would only have wanted her to be with me because she truly loved me and knew this would all work out for the best.
ME: ¡°Do you mean ¡°witch¡± or ¡°bitch¡±? I¡¯m sorry you feel you have to miss Andrew¡¯s game. Wish I could do something to make you feel better so you didn¡¯t have to miss any of his games.¡±
ANYA: ¡°Haha! Yup used that word b4! Thank u for ur support. You really love me, don¡¯t you? You really would do anything for me, wouldn¡¯t you?¡±
Her text message first hit me in the eyes and then touched my heart. Short of killing anyone, unless in self-defense, I would¡¯ve done anything for Anya. Whenever it came a time to show my love for her, fear did not exist within me. If Jackson planned to have me kidnapped, tortured, killed and chopped up, then my fate was predetermined and sealed the night I met her as I was ready to die for her love. Of course, I didn¡¯t want to experience a ¡°Braveheart¡¯ type end to my love story, but with Anya¡¯s love in my heart, I wasn¡¯t afraid to take on the world. As long as she believed in our love, I didn¡¯t care what anyone thought and I didn¡¯t fear the consequences. I¡¯d challenge society¡¯s corrupt belief systems when it came to marriage and its false sense of morality. I would pry open the judging eyes of the ignorant and expose them to a truth they never wanted to face. To see Anya in any pain, to see her struggle, to hear her cry, to taste her tears, was to see, feel, hear and taste all these things from myself, too. Emotionally and spiritually, I connected with her on a level I could not explain nor ever connect the same way with someone again.
ME: ¡°I really love you babe. I¡¯m on your side because I know your heart. I would do anything for you or I would die trying.¡±
I would have loved to talk to this woman at the baseball games. To bring her stares, rich in hypocrisy, right down to earth so Anya never had to deal with them again. I would have welcomed the chance even more with Jackson in the stands as well so I could bring an awareness to his narcissism. How dare you make your wife come to these games with her here, and allow her to look at her in such a manner. Do you remember you cheated on her with this woman while your wife was pregnant with your second child? Now she has to stomach even more disrespect by you fifteen years later? Why aren¡¯t you taking that woman aside and telling her to grow up? I would tell him. Anya had no idea how badly I wanted a shot to go to bat for her. If I were to sit with her at the games, Anya would have nothing but a good time. That woman would not only no longer have a reason to stare but also no but choice to see her happy. It would actually show her that she did Anya a favor because what was the prize anyway? A chronic philanderer? An abusive narcissist incapable of loving only himself? A person that would only end up doing the same thing to her one day? If Anya wanted revenge, she should have just given Jackson to her. It would have been the greatest form of vengeance in human history. If my role in her life wasn¡¯t enough evidence for Anya to leave Jackson, the fact a fifteen-year-old problem still existed, provided all the evidence in the world why she should leave him. Jackson deserved to be alone with only his political aspirations and career achievements in tow because he simply valued those things more than his wife. This woman¡¯s role at the games had to shout out to Anya from the rooftops that what happened in the past would eventually reappear; no matter how much she tried to forget it. People could always forgive, and they should for their own sake, but if they could never truly forget, then forgiveness could never truly exist. I knew that Anya¡¯s tolerance at the games, she did for the sake of her kids. If she didn¡¯t take care of herself though, and if she didn¡¯t realize she mattered too, she risked not living long enough to be around for her kids. To see them get married, to see them have kids of their own, to see her grandkids grow, and to know they found true happiness.
I arrived at the lavish Caiaphas Property Group¡¯s corporate offices of at seven p.m. as planned. When I made my way inside, at least three hundred people, mostly men dressed in dark power suits, graced the floor of their state-of-the-art conference room. The area we stood in seemed more like an auditorium than a conference room, as the only comparison I could make was when I visited the Los Angeles branch of Ernst & Young, one of the ¡°Big Four¡± accounting firms, but I think even their room paled in comparison. As I made my way around and grabbed a bruschetta from a waiter who came my way, I couldn¡¯t find Kevin so I began to introduce myself around the room as I met the heads of many real estate management companies I knew, such as SBRE, Allied Partners, and Lakeman-Rushfeld. I then met a woman who introduced herself to me as a Los Angeles City Prosecutor. I then met the gentleman who talked with the L.A. City Prosecutor, who introduced himself as a District Attorney. After these introductions, I had to find a way to politely retreat from the conversation as I couldn¡¯t admit I didn¡¯t know the substance of what they did. After my escape, I then ran into a female Orange County Judge who seemed to be the most popular person at the event who spoke so glowingly of the evening¡¯s host, I almost gagged on my piece of bruschetta. I then made my way toward one of the two stocked open bars as I decided to have a cocktail, the only drink one should ever get at a fully stocked open bar, a long island iced tea, as there was no way they could be cheap with the alcohol. The drink seemed to calm my nerves as I became more social over the next half hour. I then networked with bank executives, public accounting firm partners, doctors and even a congressman who made the event.
As I met all these people with so many highly regarded backgrounds, I couldn¡¯t believe Anya arranged this entire affair. It convinced me she had to have known these people on some level, even the ones I networked with. Although they never mentioned her and only praised Jackson, it made me feel better to know they didn¡¯t associate the two of them. With this alcohol rich drink now in my system though, I doubted my heart could handle their names being mentioned in the same breath as the scene made me feel far less than adequate that she knew all these people in such high places. Although I knew her in a way they never did, I grew concerned if she ever planned to leave if these people made up most of the seventy-five percent of friends she stood to lose. Would she have ever risked the loss of these hard to obtain business contacts and all their potential money if she left Jackson? As I walked the room further, and had not yet seen Jackson Caiaphas, I suddenly came across Kevin Kash, who I couldn¡¯t tell had been here or just arrived.
¡°How long have you been here, Land?¡± he asked me before I could pose the question to him.
¡°About a half an hour or so.¡± I said. ¡°I thought this presentation started at seven, but the program says eight.¡±
¡°I thought so too.¡± Kevin responded. ¡°It¡¯s what Clyde told me. Be there at seven.¡±
¡°Have you been here since seven?¡± I asked. ¡°I didn¡¯t see you.¡±
¡°Yeah, but I ran into Jackson so we talked for a little bit.¡±
¡°How¡¯s the audit coming?¡± I asked as I tried to ignore their camaraderie.
¡°It¡¯s going good.¡± he said with a slight tone of condescension. ¡°He has some subsequent events so I¡¯m reviewing their note disclosure and it¡¯s taking some extra time to wrap.¡±
¡°You look sharp, Kev. Oh wow.¡± I said as I saw his wrist. ¡°Is that¡if that a Rolex?¡±
¡°Why yes, it is.¡± He said as he showed it to me as it¡¯s band and unmistakable face glistened in the lights. ¡°It¡¯s actually courtesy of Mr. Caiaphas.¡±
¡°Really?¡± I asked. ¡°He bought you that?¡±
¡°No, but he only put me in touch with someone who gave me a nice discount.¡± he explained. ¡°Please keep it between us though.¡±
¡°Sure thing. Of course.¡± I said as I thought nothing of it.
At eight, we were instructed to find our seats as we both opted to sit together in last row of seats. There was a podium set up at the front of the room with the CPG logo upon it. As I looked in front of us there seemed to be more people than I initially believed were here. It appeared to be standing room only as several people stood behind us. I watched as so many people in the room came in admiration and wonder--when one only came with knowledge and truth. I felt completely out of place as I tried to fit in among the many admirers. The event, was both uncomfortable and bittersweet, but I found it hard to regret my attendance. If I hadn¡¯t made the perfect pitch, I would¡¯ve never been in line for the promotion to partner, and never been in the position to provide Anya with the financial security she needed to leave. I attended the event for the firm; not for myself. If I had the choice, I¡¯d be at home, in front of my computer, memorializing about how much I missed the non-present, but ubiquitous, event¡¯s organizer. I sat there in quiet contemplation and waited for a man who I despised as a husband, and as politican, to address and con us all. Although I felt there was nothing wrong with that, as the room was filled with people who did the same exact thing.
When Jackson strode up to the podium, in a dark suit, red tie and mouth piece, he was drowned in a downpour of applause. The admiration and show of respect continued for another two minutes as some people felt obligated to rise from their seats to pay tribute, something I didn¡¯t quite understand. It¡¯s not like he was the POTUS, or he cured world hunger or saved the California Condor from extinction or even a decent husband. He was just a commercial real estate buyer, seller and landlord, and at best, an aspiring politician, not worthy of dignified air. Thankfully, Kevin stayed in his seat, grounded, I believed out of respect for my situation, a nice gesture by him. Jackson then fiddled with the mouth piece and his tie before he asked us how we were doing and thanked us for coming. I knew Kevin had to attend this event to ensure the subsequent events note for disclosure was complete in order to wrap up the financials, but my role still remained unclear, as maybe this was another part of the universe¡¯s plan for me.
¡°As you all know we are seeing a market decline this year. A decline we expect to continue for the short duration after such unprecedent economic growth in our country¡¯s history.¡± Spoke Jackson Caiaphas as the lighting above him changed to a light blue hue. He then pulled a small remote control from a pocket on his suit jacket as a large screen behind him began to come down. ¡°How will the real estate market be affected? Will the commercial real estate market suffer along with the residential? We don¡¯t know the answer yet, but we have to be prepared for the worst. In a possible ¡®knee jerk¡¯ response to the real threat of a long-term recession, I¡¯ve had to lay off several of my people over the last several months. People that have worked for me for many, many years. Although there were painful decisions to make, the triggered needed to be pulled if we¡¯re to survive this recession. My buildings are operating at ninety seven percent occupancy on the average, let me repeat that¡ninety seven percent. I have also negotiated many long-term leases, most of them twenty-year commitments, that run well past the year two thousand twenty-five. We know this doesn¡¯t guarantee our tenants will stay in business and be able to pay their rent, however it does provide a steady stream of income for us. With the help of our new audit firm. KSR, we were able to identify and attain tenants with strong cash positions so we feel we¡¯ve minimized the risk of bankruptcy for the new leases we¡¯ve entered into. This should put us in the position most commercial real estate firms won¡¯t be able to do during this recession; to expand. This strategy should allow us to further expand our portfolio of commercial real estate properties faster than the competition. With my superior vision, construction is currently underway on three brand new office buildings in the heart of Orange County in the city of Irvine. Now while I am most confident about our survival during this recession, I can¡¯t say the same for our competition. Therefore, I¡¯ve identified several commercial real estate properties for acquisition and have even made several offers to buy existing properties that are now falling along the wayside. I estimate CPG will soon own and run essentially seventy percent of the total commercial real estate market in southern California within the next three years. To capitalize on this forecasted success of CPG, I¡¯ve engaged in talks with several investment bankers to take the Company public by early next year.¡±
Palms upon palms blasted in front and behind me as Jackson relayed this news. I loved the corporate world and over my years as a public accountant, I learned most corporate owners and leaders were misunderstood human beings. That most people who thought they were greedy just wasn¡¯t a true assessment of them at all. They led me to side with the wealthy, and despise the ones who envied them, but Jackson Caiaphas was what gave their envy teeth, and what made CEO¡¯s seem like the bad guys. What people perceived as great news and I perceived as a lack of loyalty to the people who helped get him to where he was. As he negotiated long-term leases with companies who had great liquidity that protected his firm during a recession, he still decided to discard people? He basically admitted he didn¡¯t need to let go of the people that got him this far and further planned to buy more properties so he could do the same thing? As I pondered the depth of his narcissism and greed, he then discussed the commercial real estate market outlook and other related industry news, but I was too disgusted to pay attention to it. I shot a glance over at Kevin, as he appeared intrigued and content to buy what everyone else did; that Jackson Caiaphas was only worthy of admiration and not condemnation for his vision. I couldn¡¯t help but think that if Anya left Jackson to be with me, no matter how much he abused her, I would be the one viewed with consternation by mostly everyone, and not him. That society would hold in contempt the man who truly cared people, and not the man who used the lives of people like pieces on a worn chessboard. After he rambled about the market crisis and how long he thought it would last, he saved his biggest announcement for last.
¡°Now, on a bit of a side note, I have a big announcement to make.¡± he said. ¡°After spending my last seven years as a commissioner for the California State Assembly. Where I¡¯ve had the honor and privilege of working with the state¡¯s finest human beings. I am announcing tonight we have raised three million dollars in campaign funding for my run as an elected member of Congress and a seat on the House of Representatives in two thousand ten!¡±
Cheers and aah¡¯s filled the room, as once again, at least six hundred strong stood up to applaud Jackson¡¯s announcement. Since Kevin stood, I did as well, and when he saw me stand, he turned to me.
¡°You have no idea how huge this is for KSR.¡± he said. ¡°This will really get the firm into a market place outside of California. Our soon to be first SEC client!¡±
¡°It¡¯s huge, for sure.¡± I said. ¡°But I don¡¯t know if the firm wants to deal with the risk associated with SEC clients.¡±
¡°Think about it, Land. Especially with us in a recession.¡± he said. ¡°This should help cover any audit clients we lose.¡±
¡°We¡¯ve been in a recession and really haven¡¯t lost any business, though.¡± I pointed out. ¡°Our current clients will still need to be audited, or at least reviewed and have their tax returns prepared.¡±
¡°Didn¡¯t you hear Jackson¡¯s speech? He said mortgage banks are going to be the hardest hit.¡± he said. ¡°Mortgage banks make up about fifty percent of our audit and tax business. They won¡¯t need to be audited or have tax returns done if they go bankrupt.¡±
¡°There are other industries out there though.¡± I countered. ¡°I think we can find a way to find new business in different industries to stop the bleeding.¡±
¡°Only if there¡¯s not too much blood lost, Land.¡± Kevin remarked.
I nodded in agreement as I forced myself to watch Jackson soak in all the adoration and support he received. I couldn¡¯t help but be disturbed by it all. Why didn¡¯t Anya tell me about these people? Why didn¡¯t she tell me what I truly faced? I didn¡¯t just face her kids; I faced a herd of sheep as well. As I tried to stem the tide of negativity, Jackson hit me with a shot to the heart.
¡°My wife couldn¡¯t be here this evening. She is home tonight with our two sick kids; Katie and Andrew.¡± he informed the contingent. ¡°Of course, without my wonderful wife, and family I wouldn¡¯t be where I am today. I wouldn¡¯t be the perfect husband if I didn¡¯t mention that in less than three months from today, my lovely wife of mine, my best friend and life partner, will be celebrating sixteen beautiful and glorious years together on June twentieth.¡±
As cheers paraded around us, Kevin looked at me in doubt as I returned his observance without a word to say. I saw the watch upon his wrist, and although Jackson only directed him to a discount, I feared he bought Kevin in a way, enough to believe the things he said. The same way he bought everyone else in the room, but me. The one person he could never buy. The one person he could never fool.
¡°He¡¯s a good father.¡± I said to Kevin as I leaned into his ear so no one around us could hear.
Kevin nodded and smiled as he continued to stand and applaud. I then decided to sit back down in rebellion as my rampant negative thoughts couldn¡¯t be drowned out by the applause. I came here for information about the direction of the real estate market. I even took some notes for any future audits and reviews so we had a better understanding of the industry and the trends the industry operated in, including all possible risks and uncertainties. I also came here to network, but I never came here to be a part of a political rally--yet here I was, surrounded by people who would hate me to know how much I despised him for what he stood for.
The rest of the night seemed to go in slow motion as I continued to network and fuel our firm¡¯s growth as Clyde relied on me to get a number of new contacts. By the end of the night, and although I struggled throughout with my emotions, I picked up at least fifty business cards, and at least five new client leads. When Jackson¡¯s self-gratification ceremony finally came to its conclusion, I had only one thing left to do before I left; the thing Clyde expected me to do; I had to personally thank and say goodbye to Jackson Caiaphas.
As I tried to fulfill my final task of the evening, I watched a group of people converge on Jackson, and then stayed back until they filtered out. I guess since Kevin talked to him beforehand, he felt he could leave our exit to me.
¡°I have to run, Landyn.¡± Kevin said. ¡°Sadie wants me home no later than eleven. You comin¡¯ with?¡±
¡°I have to stick around.¡± I said. ¡°Clyde wants me to let him know I was here.¡±
¡°Are you going to be okay?¡±
¡°Just going to give him a quick ¡°congratulations.¡±¡± I said. ¡°Then run like hell out of here.¡±
¡°Does his wife know that you know him?¡±
¡°Not at all.¡±
¡°You haven¡¯t told her? How come?¡± he asked.
¡°I eventually will¡¯ Kev. The opportunity really hasn¡¯t presented itself yet to tell her.¡± I said. ¡°Besides, she never told me about who he was and his entourage so I think it evens out. I don¡¯t want to worry her about something else anyway. She already has enough stress in her life as is.¡±
¡°Are you in the office tomorrow?¡±
¡°I¡¯ll be there.¡± I said.
¡°Okay. See you there. Have good night, bud.¡±
¡°You too.¡±
As Kevin exited, I turned my attention back to the front of the room, where only a handful of people stood with him. I then sat in an open chair about fifty feet away from the podium, with my eyes on the notes I took, chicken scratch I¡¯d have to type out on Word when I returned to the office in the morning. Ten minutes later, with only two people near him, I began to approach. As I did, his eyes shifted to me and then looked away to return them to the people before him. I stood there and waited patiently until the last person finished their conversation with him, and only the two of us remained in the entire room, somehow by strange design. He then turned to face me, in a manner that made it seem he waited all night for this interaction. When I extended my hand to him, he met mine with a solid grip. I kept my eyes in his even as our hands separated and smiled as I spoke.
¡°Congratulations on your announcement. I¡¯m certain you will do very well in your bid for a seat in Congress next year.¡± I said. ¡°Thank you very much for inviting us. All of us at KSR look forward to seeing the continued success of CPG and your upcoming IPO.¡±
¡°Thank you.¡± he responded with a crooked grin.
¡°Well, you have a good night, Mr. Caiaphas. Thank you, again.¡± I said as I turned around to walk away.
¡°Please try to do the same¡Mr. Lastman.¡± he said as I felt his eyes burn through the back of my head.
When I looked back at him in surprise, our eyes met yet again. For the first time, he got my name right. Not ¡°Landman¡± but ¡°Lastman¡± and that¡¯s when I knew, he knew I was in a relationship with his wife. I then thought about all the things he did to hurt the woman I loved. The woman I adored. The woman who deserved to only be loved, honored, respected and never shamed. All the reasons why she encouraged and allowed me to be a part of her life. I then thought about the pain I went through every night because of Anya¡¯s pain, recalled all the times she cried and even Katie¡¯s letter. I thought of his his lack of character and integrity, as his look told me he thought I was the one who lacked those qualities, and not him. I wanted to say something so bad. All the things that boiled inside of me, but here I was, on Company time, handcuffed and bound as a professional and pending partner of a firm that his business helped build. The symposium an event to prove his greatness to me, and he wanted me in attendance, a witness to it all to discourage me to continue to give Anya the love she deserved. I felt certain he felt the same disgust and validation I did, as we tried to gauge each other and what we both knew. This event was planned, without a doubt, to put an end to Anya and I. To make me aware of his power and all I was up against, but he also exposed the power I held over him; the truth of his character, and I refused to give him what he hoped for. I couldn¡¯t help but revel in the fact, that his plan backfired on him. That after all the times he chose to disrespect me, when he didn¡¯t care enough to get my last name correct because in his mind it was never worth knowing. Out of all the last names he knew in this world, it was mine he would never forget for the rest of his life.
I nodded at him then walked out.