《Devotion》


 Chapter 1: Dancing lights

    He had gotten separated from the pack in his hunt for an elk, successfully taking it down and was currently bringing it back for his baby siblings. They had just opened their eyes and were beginning to eat whole food. He wasn¡¯t the best hunter in the pack, but he wasn¡¯t the worst either, an older sibling had been recently kicked out of the pack for not bringing in enough meat, and Tva was motivated to not experience the same. He was still young, just over two years old, and not quite ready to leave his natal pack and set off on his own.


    It was late in the night, and he was eager to return to the pack and share his kill, his belly full of elk meat. The sky was bright above him, though the moons were dark. Brilliant lights danced, greens and reds, the occasional fainter streak of blue and purple among them. His parents used to tell them when they were pups that the lights were where old wolves went to hunt the star-beasts, running endlessly after the mystical creatures that populated the night sky with pinpoints of glittering light. They were slightly different tonight, more animated than usual, jumping wildly, a wider range of colors visible in their spectrum.


    He threw back his head to give a call, intending to locate his pack when the sound was ripped out of him, captured, drawn out of him against his will, an eerie, unnatural cry that seemed to go on and on until there was nothing left inside him. The sound drew him up, up and off the face of the earth into the writhing lights of the sky above. His vision blurred, filled with light and shadow, strange otherworldly shapes, an insistent unfamiliar buzzing in the back of his head before he faded into the blackness behind his eyes.


    When he came to his entire body was throbbing with an intense burning, piercing pain, he could feel the current bouncing around in his body, moving so fast it felt like his whole body was aflame, his every muscle spasming simultaneously. His brain felt ablaze, every neuron firing concurrently, his mind unable to focus on anything but the fierce agony. He could feel his heart beating uncontrollably, arrhythmically, missing beats wildly as it contracted. His chest wound tighter and tighter, a horrible building, suffocating pressure. And then. Nothing. Blissful nothingness.


    His second awakening was just as upsetting, though for very different reasons. He wanted that bliss to never end. The comforting warmth of a long, deep, well needed nap. Colors he hadn¡¯t known existed, all twisted up together, but in perfect harmony, hauntingly beautiful and in startling clarity. Becoming his highest, truest, most genuine self, a pure euphoric rapture. But instead he was yanked back, submerged abruptly in cold reality.


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    His awareness was transformed, he realized. He was somehow more than he had been before, his entire being changed, charged from his experience with the dancing lights. He took stock of himself, mentally cataloging the alterations. His mind was suddenly clear, as if the lights had suddenly been turned on where before there had just been darkness, shadowy vague thoughts suddenly with stark coherence. Colors seemed brighter, more defined from one another, and he could see up close and very far simultaneously, all in piercing detail. It was as if a whole new hemisphere had been unlocked in his mind, new thoughts, new insights accessible to him where they had before been sealed away under biological imperatives.


    It was hard to tell without another being to compare against, but he felt larger too, as if he had hit a sudden growth spurt, his muscles and joints aching with rapid development like they had when he was a puppy. He felt¡­restructured, as if his entire being had been reorganized, reconstructed from its interaction with the electromagnetic radiation. He still felt a little charged, flushed with current, though the pain had dulled to a soft pulse of awareness that he could push to the back of his mind if he didn¡¯t focus on it. He immediately did so, not ready to deal with the trauma of his first awakening.


    But most shockingly of all, he was still in the thermosphere, high above where he rightfully should have been, seeing the land, clouds even, stretched out beneath him, so so far away. He whined, disconcerted. His vocal cords were different too, he realized, or rather their juxtaposition in his head had changed somewhat, opening up a range of vocalizations not previously available to him. He worked his jaw, testing, letting loose some outlandish sound that he had never heard before. He stopped, startled, unsure what to do with the new noise.


    He tried to reach out to the ground, so far below, paws stretching out for it before him, but his body seemed resistant, propelled away from it like a magnet. His paws, he saw, had changed color, his coat a striking blue, and somewhat translucent, the dancing lights somehow trapped within their blurry outlines. He was the light, he thought with sudden clarity.


    He was being drawn somewhere, he realized. Some sort of strange pull on something deep inside him, some force that he couldn¡¯t see, only feel. It felt as if something beneath his skin was reaching, yanking him along with it. He moved with it, raced towards that place over the horizon, unwilling to remain stuck, anywhere was better than being stuck. Stuck like the bison they had driven into the muddy banks of the riverbed before playing the cruel long game of attrition. Being stuck was death, only motion was life.


    The attraction built the closer he got, accelerating faster and faster, towards the ground, he realized with gratification and some trepidation. He could almost feel the wetness of it, the humidity radiating off the surface of the ground beneath, just out of reach as he sped north. And finally it was under his feet, soft powdery snow, untouched and cool on the pads of his paws. His tail wagged and his tongue lolled out, happy to finally be on land again, eyes squinting with contentment. He bounded and leaped, romping in the snowdrifts, happy to be free from the otherworldly powers that had captured him, celebrating his survival from the whole strange ordeal.

 Chapter 2: Returning

    Tva wasn¡¯t sure how long he had been gone, it may only have been a couple of seconds, or it could have been longer, he had no way to know exactly how much time had passed while he had been unconscious, having his very particles rearranged. The sun was much higher in the sky and the air warmer than it had been when he had been taken. Spring, perhaps? He sniffed the air, breathing in deeply through his nose, his breaths out puffs of humid air visible in front of him. The caribou migrations towards the birthing coast had begun, he could smell it miles away now, he knew with implicit precision, far beyond the range of scent he had before his capture by the heavens. Spring then. He took off south, eager to be reunited with his family.


    The thrum of his legs pumping beneath him was a steady rhythm as he traveled, his body an instrument, legs percussion and his breath the periodic beat of a drum. He wondered if his family had missed him, what they might have thought happened to him, when he didn¡¯t return home. Had they heard his last cry? That long horrible sound that had been dragged from him, that had swept him into the heavens? The longing for them filled him, for the stability of the pack, the assurance of belonging. He missed his parents, his baby siblings, his aunt and her older daughter. Most of his litter mates and older siblings had split off on their own, or to form their other packs, but he hadn¡¯t yet felt the urge, perfectly content at being a smaller part of a strong whole. His pack. He felt¡­whole, when he was with them, like he was in his proper place in the world.


    Miles and miles he traveled, only realizing when the day ended and night began that he was not tiring, wasn¡¯t even thirsty. Was this another change the transformation had brought on? He felt¡­stronger somehow, his gait longer, now that he was paying attention to it. He was traveling at a rate that he couldn¡¯t have ever hoped to reach, before. But now the ground flew beneath him, furlongs with every step as he galloped towards his home territory, making the whole trip in a fraction of the time.


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    The terrain started to look familiar to him, after a while, though something was different, something he couldn¡¯t quite place. A scent wafted to him, where his parent¡¯s markings should have been, something similar to theirs but not quite right. Had the transformation affected his sense of smell, he wondered, suddenly uneasy. That would be dangerous, he depended on it for so much. But he could smell the caribou just fine, and the other prey he had encountered but ignored had smelled the same as before. A sense of apprehension crept over him, a heightening of alertness for any other small differences that he might have not noticed before. The vegetation looked different, smaller yet older.


    He had grown, of course! His new size ment that everything looked smaller, even if it may have in fact gotten bigger with time, he reasoned. Did that mean that enough time had passed that the woods around his home had aged? The apprehension developed into full blown anxiety. What did that mean for his pack?!


    He let back his head and howled, desperate enough to locate them that he didn¡¯t even register that this was his first call since the lights had taken him. A chorus returned his greeting, though instead of the welcoming social calls of his family he had hoped to hear returned, the returning choir were unfamiliar to him, replying with a defensive howl intended to ward off strange wolves. Perhaps¡­perhaps these were just a different pack, perhaps his family had moved territories while he was gone? But the smell of them¡­they were too similar to his pack. He approached, disregarding their warning calls. He had to know.

 Chapter 3: Carnage

    The pack came out to meet him as he approached, legs stiff and tails upright in offensive positions, intending to defend their territory from a perceived threat. Tva did his best to display non-aggressive posture, kneeling close to the ground with a whine, showing as much of his underbelly as he dared, it was difficult with his new, massive size. The leading pair approached, the male sniffing him distrustfully. He¡­he knew that smell, though the male had just been a baby when he had left and was now a fully fledged adult, well into his teens. His baby brother was all grown up. With a deep guttural growl and fierce snap of his jaws his brother attacked, either not recognizing Tva or identifying him as a threat. The pack circled, getting into formation for a drawn out brawl, surrounding him like prey. Tva did his best to dodge rather than return the attack, still intent on communicating with his little brother, unwilling to relinquish his dream of getting his family back.


    A pressure was building in the back of his mind, the soft pulse of electrical current making itself known from the recesses that he had pushed it to before. He could feel the tense charged feeling of current sparking through him, invigorating his muscles, rising to the surface of his flesh, flush with energized heat.


    His brother ripped into his flank, teeth gritting down through the coarse fur, perforating his skin and tearing into the flesh beneath. Tva yipped, pained. Was this how it felt to be hunted? To know that you are surrounded by those waiting to tear your body apart and feed on you? He was overcome by a sudden empathy for his prey of the past, but he only had a moment for this startling realization before the heated current beneath his skin flicked out, tearing through his brother¡¯s body with the same violence that it had him, all that time ago, back up in the sky. His brother¡¯s body convulsed, and Tva with him, his brother¡¯s teeth clenched and unable to release from Tva¡¯s coat, wracked as they were with electric current.


    Tva cried out, trying desperately to control the current from within, to wrestle it into submission, but the current wouldn¡¯t be controlled, it lept about inside him like the live wire it was, bearing down on his brother with a vengeance that was not his own. And with a sudden ferocity the voltage increased, Tva¡¯s entire body thrumming with it, his every cell alive with it. His body was a conduit, creating a magnetic force field increasing in size with each increment higher the voltage rose.


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    Around them wolves roiled, disquieted by the phenomena. Another lunged at Tva, going for his throat. The current inside Tva reached a fever pitch, saturating him, and with the force of a bomb it exploded outward, ripping through the surrounding wolves¡¯ bodies, the magnetic field tearing them apart with a wet wrenching squelch of blood and viscera, dousing the surrounding area and soaking Tva in the blood of his relatives.


    Tva stood frozen, shocked, a heavy lump of his brother¡¯s stomach falling from where it had been flung on his muzzle to the ground below, where it fizzled as it melted the surrounding snow, steam wafting up into the cool air.


    All around him was carnage, brilliant shades of red flung around him in a perfect circle of butchery, indicating the boundary of the magnetic field. The heady metallic smell of blood permeated the crisp air, the heat of it warming the clearing, searing the white ground like a scar. The acidic sting of bile climbed up his throat. He had done this. He had ripped his family apart, had ripped them into shreds.


    He lurched to the edge of the circle, limbs shaking, unwilling to sully them by vomiting on their corpses. He hacked until his throat was raw, but there was nothing in his stomach to come up, he hadn¡¯t had to eat since before his transformation. He had only just found them again, distant relatives that they may be, they were the closest thing to a family he had, and he had just obliterated them, rend them apart until there wasn¡¯t a whole body among them. A sob wrenched itself out of him, a sound foreign to him, a sound he had never made before, never been able to make before. Another result of this cursed transformation.


    He loathed himself, hated what he had become. If he had waited to return, waited until he better understood his new body, this would never have happened. He had been so eager for nothing to have changed, for things to be somehow normal, as they used to be. For his family to be here, waiting for him. But they were gone, and what might have been his new family was a red smear across the clearing. His eyes prickled, another new sensation. He cataloged it with a distracted, dissociative attention, unable to tear his mind from the horror at hand. The horror he was the cause of.


    He couldn¡¯t be here anymore, he couldn¡¯t stay, had to get away, far far away. Away from the site of his ineptitude and destruction.


    He ran. And ran. For a long long time.

 Chapter 4: Answering the call

    He was still running days later, hadn¡¯t stopped. Not to eat, not to sleep, no biological urge prompted him to tear his mind away from what he had done. It was the transformation, he knew implicitly, rather than just the grief. The transformation had taken so much from him physically, but it was nothing when compared to what he had lost in that clearing, the family that had been taken from him. His heart ached in his chest, beyond the pounding from his swift pace. The distance had done nothing to numb the anguish of loss.


    His body had changed again, he perceived resentfully. His breakneck gallop had sent his body out of phase with the world, had broken space itself, leaving behind the greens and reds of dancing lights in his wake. His speed had changed his body, another set of limbs behind his front legs appearing, separating from his forelimbs with the speed of his after image, expediting his passage through the lands. If it got him away, far far away, he supposed it couldn¡¯t be all bad, he thought with mournful acceptance.


    Eventually he slowed, mentally exhausted, though his body felt like it could keep going forever. Perhaps that would be a fitting penance, he considered. But not yet. He needed to mourn. He had been mourning for days, but it had been an abstract sort of revulsion with himself, rather than the dignified mourning that his family deserved. They deserved to be honored.


    He found a lake, a beautiful stretched out sliver of glassy silver, surrounded by elegant lupus flowers. He stretched back, behind his neck to see the stars above, visible brightly, even through the planet¡¯s rings. The blue moon shone high in the sky, the larger silver one half hidden behind the horizon. The blue moon was the wolf¡¯s moon, his parent¡¯s voices echoed in his head, phantoms of his childhood, now gone forever. Fitting, he thought.


    He gave a long howl, an eerie, beautiful thing full of all his agony and yearning. Yearning for a different outcome, a different life, really. It lingered in the air long after, echoing distantly, far longer than any howl should, more similar to the one that had started this whole lamentable experience than any other he had sung. He gave another, the reverberation of it rippling the moon¡¯s reflection on the surface of the waters. He cut off suddenly. The ripples on the lake¡¯s surface were getting larger, more pronounced, finally reaching the water¡¯s edge, rustling the reeds there. A shimmer appeared, different from his own shimmering green lights, a sort of diaphanous blurring of the air, a near transparent glittering, like that of a soap bubble.


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    A tall man stepped out, eyes as blue as the moon above, surrounded by a fluttering flurry of large luna moths, one perched on his shoulder, whispering in his ear. He nodded distractedly, peering at Tva with perplexity. ¡®Who are you?¡¯ he asked. With some confusion, Tva realized he understood what the man had said, a sort of reverse aphasia implanted by the lights.


    Who was he, he thought. He was a hunter of hunters, as his parents had told him many times as they lulled him to sleep along with his litter mates. He was Tva of the wolves, of the snow, of the lupus flowers. He was Tva of the dancing lights, Tva that had killed his own kin. ¡®Tva¡¯ he croaked, his voice stiff from the lack of practice, an unused vessel cracked open for the first time. ¡®I am Tva.¡¯


    The man cocked his head, a wolf-like gesture, Tva thought. Was this man a hunter too? He had the piercing shrewd eyes of a being sizing up a kill. Would that make him the prey, Tva wondered, unable to summon concern through the haze of his self-loathing. If this being killed him it would be what he deserved.


    ¡®Tva,¡¯ the being repeated slowly, tasting the sound of it. ¡®You are unfamiliar to me.¡¯ Why would this being know him, Tva thought bemused. The being paused, sizing him up. ¡®You¡¯re new,¡¯ the being said, its voice one of sudden realization. ¡®A freshly born god,¡¯ he murmured, voice raspy as night. ¡®A god?¡¯ Tva repeated stupidly, dazed by the revelation. Was that what had happened to him? Had the lights transformed him into a great one? His parents had told him stories of great ones, being with otherworldly abilities, stronger than the strongest wolf. Beings that were timeless, endless and eternal. But he had never given any thought to the creation of such beings, hadn¡¯t even considered that they might be made, rather than born, rather than having always been.


    The power that had channeled through him did seem like those of a god, he reflected, with no little disgust. Was this what it took to become a god? To have your body violently reformed, ripped apart and reassembled. To murder your family, your kin, their blood drenching your skin.


    ¡®...you¡¯re Noctua,¡¯ Tva said slowly, looking up at the blue moon, the god¡¯s complete body high in the sky overhead. One of the great ones, the moon of his people, who they gave their dreams to willingly, without reservation, tribute to his guidance in the darkness of the night when the sun set for weeks on end.


    The tall man smiled a small proud smile, satisfied at the reverence in his tone. ¡®Hm. Yes, and you are a newly formed god, welcome baby brother.¡¯ He inclined his head, a dignified acknowledgement. Noctua turned, half in and half out of the shimmer, the slightest hint of ripples underneath his feet on the water''s surface ¡®Oh, you can call on me again, if you need. Sing to my moon¡¯s reflection and I will emerge¡­your songs are uniquely lovely. I will answer your call.¡¯ With that he stepped through the shimmer completely, returning to the skies above, not a ripple left to mark his apparition. And Tva was alone once more.

 Chapter 5: Reflections

    He was a god now, he thought, dazed still, bewildered by the epiphany but knowing, somehow, deep inside, that it was true. He looked down at his reflection in the lake. His fur was blue, a soft blue of the sky at nightfall, the dancing lights just visible under his skin, if he looked for them. He searched for that awareness that he had suppressed, the one that had broken out, was responsible for his family¡¯s murder. It responded to his call with a foreign glee, rising to the surface, static visible, flighty, across his fur. He could see the magnetic field inside him arise, bending the dancing lights, contorting them. He was a god, and with it came a power he was not in control of, had only the faintest grasp on. He was a god and a danger to the world.


    What was he a god of, Tva wondered, who did he deserve to be a god to. Him, kin slayer. He snorted, looking away from his reflection with shame. He wouldn¡¯t wish his godhood on any being. Did other gods have similar godhood conceptions, he wondered. Were they all kin slayers? What disgusting beings, he thought, for the first time. They had seemed so majestic, so awe inspiring as a pup, but now that he knew the truth, the thought of them sickened him. Did any of them want this? Were they all changed against their will, like him? Perhaps some of them did so with intention, he thought, suddenly queasy.


    Gods were endless, beings without natural death. He had the whole of eternity laid out before him now. What would he do with it? A lone wolf god, belonging to no pack. No need for food nor shelter, the aimlessness of it overwhelmed him. He lay down, among the lupus flowers, his nose buried in their soft sweet scent. He would think on it tomorrow. For now he would sleep. And dream. Of his family, he hoped, with a prayer to Noctua¡¯s moon high above. Of his family if he had never been taken, of his life if he had remained unchanged.


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    He awoke refreshed, his dreams the icy still silence of freshly fallen snow. He lifted his head from his paws, peering at a small crunching noise, a small rabbit nibbling the tender roots of a plant nearby. His ears perked, naturally spurred by the sound of prey. He stilled, every muscle frozen in attention to the small creature as it gnawed away, oblivious. He didn¡¯t need to eat, a voice in the back of his mind reminded him, he was freed from all biological needs. But what else would he fill the void of eternity with? What would guide his actions now, he wondered, his eyes still fastened on the animal, watching as it finished its first snack and moved to the next.


    It continued for quite a while, working its way through a patch of grasses, all while Tva watched, mesmerized. He recalled back to that moment, before his younger brother¡¯s fangs pierced his flank, when he was surrounded by his distant relatives, their preparations to take him down like a quarry. What it had felt like, being the one hunted. Was that a familiar sensation to this small rabbit? It must be. How often had it fled from a hunter like him? How often had it scrapped by, just barely evaded the jaws of death?


    He wouldn¡¯t kill again, he resolved. He had killed enough in his previous life, as a mortal, before he had become a god, had killed enough in his godhood transformation as well. There was no more need for it. ¡®Hello little being,¡¯ he cooed to the bunny, doing his best to use his new voice to soothe. The small rabbit froze, its eyes bulging wide and scared. ¡®I mean you no harm,¡¯ he reaffirmed. The rabbit¡¯s eyes flickered to him, before it fled. ¡®I will be your god, your protector,¡¯ he decided, his voice a vow.

 Chapter 6: Rabbit god

    Tva had been the rabbits¡¯ god for several months now, protecting their warren from predation and coaxing their feeding grounds to grow fresh greens with gentle stimulation using his magnetic fields. It was delicate work, but rewarding. It had taken careful experimentation, far away from his followers to protect them from any mishaps, but he had accomplished it and had shared the fruits of his labor with his devotees to their jubilant gratitude.


    He was a worthy god, he assured himself, watching his wards flourish. They had expressed their gratefulness in garlands of lupus, crowns and ornaments they wove for him with their prayers and worship, interwoven into his coat. He wore them with pride, though wondered wryly what his parents would have thought, if they could see him now, bedecked in the offerings of prey. He was an attentive god, patrolling his territory with regularity, however it wasn¡¯t always enough to keep the predation at bay. He occasionally lost members of his populace, mostly to birds of prey, their additional spatial dimension beyond his ability to ward against, despite his best efforts.


    The first time he made an acolyte was by accident. He had taken to blessing the lupus garlands his devotees would dedicate to him, honoring their offerings as sacrament. One young doe had eaten one of the blooms that had fallen from him, losing coordination after its ingestions, drawing the concern of her family and Tva. She writhed, convulsing, her muscles twitching as she foamed at the mouth. Suddenly, with the cracking of bone, the doe¡¯s skull split open, fracturing down the middle, blood frothing, spraying onto the assembled. Tva¡¯s heart stopped. Was it happening again? Was he cursed to rend apart all those he cared for?


    The doe¡¯s mouth opened wide in a piercing shriek, the cry of a dying thing. Wider and wider her mouth opened, her throat splitting open, revealing the depths of her stomach, her organs exposed and steaming, peeling back like the blooming of a viscera flower petals. And with a strange warping of space, she flipped inside out entirely, her insides wrapping a lump of rabbit flesh. With a disturbing bubbling gurgle the scalding, grotesque mass began twitching, growing larger and larger, coarse gray fur sprouting where once soft browns had been. Pointed ears, sharper than the rounded ones of rabbits grew at its temples, a long shaggy tail emerged from its hind quarters, paws with long curved claws lengthened, beyond what a rabbit would need. A wolf, Tva realized, with relief, overshadowing his disgust, as his rabbit devotees roiled in worry, anxious about this strange new development, a predator in their midst. He had born a wolf acolyte, not a replay of that horrible day when he had turned the ground red. He flung back his head and howled with joy, startling his subjects.


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    He was a father, he had devotees and acolyte children now, he thought, with wonder.


    His new acolyte was a clumsy thing, ungainly with her newfound shape. She looked up at him, wagging her tail. Some things were innate, he thought fondly. The wolf gave a hop, not used to not being a rabbit, falling goofily on her face, limbs a tangle beneath her. Tva stepped forward, nosing the smaller wolf gently, prompting her to stand back up and try again. The wolf stood, legs still trembling slightly beneath her, weak and graceless as a newly born fawn. The wolf took a single step, moving one paw at a time fumblingly, Tva gave a small encouraging yip. Getting the hang of walking, the wolf moved into a trot, her tongue lolling out with exhilaration. The rabbits scattered before her, fleeing to their burrows. The new wolf paused, stilling, her ears perked and tail straight, the posture of a hunter. Some things might be innate, Tva thought again, this time with concern. He gave a low growl in warning. The wolf looked at him, uncertain, relaxing her posture. He would have to keep an eye on her, and any other new wolves he birthed, Tva recognized.


    A¡¯gia, as she was called, Tva learned, was not a very good wolf, too much of her docile nature lingering from her rabbithood. But it was likely for the best, a high prey drive was not her birthright. She followed Tva with reverence, learning how to protect the warrens from predators, how to mark their territory, the language of wolves. Soon other rabbits came, asking to devote themselves to Tva, to become his acolytes as well, despite the gruesome metamorphosis it required. And he loved them all for it, blessed their presented lupus and took them as his children, though his first daughter remained his most cherished, his precious firstborn.


    And then there were five. Five freshly born wolves to protect his flock. Tva preened.

 Chapter 7: Broken vows

    Tva was returning from his first godly gathering when he sensed something was amiss. No rabbits were about, and the glades were unusually silent, as if all of the animals therein could sense that something was wrong.


    He stepped softly, eyeing his surroundings, trying to identify the source of the disturbance. One of his acolyte children approached in a crouched posture, belly to the ground, twisting her head up to lick Tva¡¯s muzzle in deference, whining a greeting, conveying her discomfort and relief at Tva¡¯s return. ¡®What is it?¡¯ Tva asked her, on guard. His daughter whined again, turning to lead Tva to the source of the disturbance. Tva followed.


    The wolf led him to a great tree, a massive thing, its dark bark whorled with heavy knots, twisted and warped, ominous. Three others of his children were circling the tree, their concern and agitation evident. A¡¯gia was missing, Tva thought, alarm rising as he approached. His wolf guide led him to a small opening in the tree¡¯s base. The scent of blood became stronger the closer he came, intermixed with the heavy loamy smell of the soil, combining to form something dark and foreboding. A rustling came from the hollow, the sound of a wolf shuffling amongst old leaves.


    ¡®A¡¯gia,¡¯ Tva said gently, calling his firstborn. ¡®What is wrong? Come out, I will help you.¡¯ He couldn¡¯t bear to lose A¡¯gia too, no matter the cost, no matter how she had been hurt, he would heal her, his magnetic fields now developed enough to stimulate cell growth, he could heal her, he just knew it. A¡¯gia let loose a whine from within the darkness, a sobbing sound he didn¡¯t know wolves to be capable of making. Tva stepped forward, peering into the shadows. A¡¯gia curled up tighter in the gloom. ¡®A¡¯gia¡¯ he said firmly, a hint of godhood in his voice, ¡®come out.¡¯


    Slowly, so slowly, she unwound her limbs from their cramped arrangement, extricating herself from the shadows. She emerged from the hollow, blood on her muzzle, but unharmed as far as Tva could see, to his relief. Perhaps it was just a scratch, he wondered, though the amount of blood would counter that hypothesis. What could have happened that would drive A¡¯gia to hide away, blood on her fur? A lump of something remained in the shadows of the hollow, the source of the bloody smell, a pert ear perked up from the mass, a soft round tail just barely visible through the gore and gristle.


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    The world slowed for Tva, as if time was passing through an hourglass, forced to slow as it flowed between the two ampules through the narrow constricting throat. His own throat grew tight. It couldn¡¯t be. A¡¯gia would never, she was a rabbit! A wolf, now perhaps, but originally she was a rabbit, just like his other acolytes, just like his devotees. She would never harm them, she didn¡¯t even have a prey drive, she cared for them just as much as he did! Perhaps, perhaps it was an accident, he thought wildly, perhaps she had just recovered the remains from one of the birds of prey that snuck through their defenses. He wished he could believe that, wanted so badly for it to be the case. But why else would she hide? One of his children dragged the corpse out from the hollow, placing it in front of a cowed A¡¯gia, her head hung low.


    He couldn¡¯t let this go unpunished. He had ignored his reservations before, and this death was now on his head. It was his fault for not teaching his children better the reverence he placed on the lives of his devotees. He summoned his resolve. He had to set an example, or the others might be tempted as well.


    His firstborn, his precious daughter A¡¯gia, whom he loved the most. His heart hurt, ached in his chest, for what he had to do. Without warning he lunged, ripping out her throat, her blood thick and hot in his mouth, like sacrilege. She whimpered, gurgled, stumbled to the ground, her blood spurting into the dirt, soaking it. He was shamefully glad the ground was dark here, that he couldn¡¯t see the brilliant reds like when his brother¡¯s blood drenched the snow.


    He had broken his vows. Had taken another life, killed another precious to him, this time with intent, with purpose. A promise breaker, that was what he was. He wasn¡¯t fit to be anyone¡¯s god. He was so dirty.


    His other children churned, even more disturbed than before, alarmed at the rapid turn of events. Their yips and growls went unheeded, as he sat drenched in the blood of his kin, once again. But this time he couldn¡¯t run away. He had to set a precedent, to be firm in his will, or A¡¯gia death would be meaningless, and he wouldn¡¯t do that to her memory. His beloved daughter.


    ¡®Even A¡¯gia is not exempt from the price of betraying our faith.¡¯ He growled, his voice rumbling, shaking the trees, quieting the assembled. They bowed their heads, acquiescing to his will.

 Chapter 8: Parenthood

    His mourning was cut short by the indignation of the warrens. Despite the price A¡¯gia paid, it would not bring back the dead, and his rabbit devotees were understandably discontented. They neglected his lupus offerings, often refusing to pay homage to him, causing unrest among his acolytes as well.


    They had been closer to A¡¯gai, and saw the reciprocity of the exchange as a settled resolution, despite their dissatisfaction with her death. She had worked hard keeping the warrens safe, as they saw it, and the consequence of one small mistake was so very very steep. Tva worked nonstop keeping the peace between the two sects, as well as protecting his rabbit peoples, his wolves having taken a more detached stance in their care for the warrens after the incident, unhappy with the rabbits ingratitude. It was an exhausting situation for Tva.


    He missed his daughter. She was his most trusted, his most kind. It was still hard for him to accept what she had done. He saw her in his dreams, along with his brother¡¯s family, every night haunted by their deaths. Perhaps there was another way, besides her murder, if only he were a more wise god. Perhaps he had been too hasty, too quick to judge her actions, maybe there had been a good reason? He did his best to squash such thoughts. They would only cause him pain, an emotion he didn¡¯t have time to indulge.


    He wondered if other gods struggled with their followers the same way he was, if he could ask them for advice. But the shame of admitting that he had lost the trust of both worshipers and acolytes kept him from doing so when he attended godly gatherings. He dreaded when rumors of his shortcomings would spread amongst the other gods, malicious gossip mongers they could be.


    It was at one such gathering that Noctua found him, approaching with a glass of his dream wine, made from the dream fruit of his worshipers, many that they were. ¡®I¡¯ve someone you might want to meet,¡¯ he murmured, passing Tva a glass, his voice as tranquil as moonlight. Tva held the glass clumsily between his claws, trying not to damage the delicate porcelain, crafted in the shape of a blooming moonflower, its petals thin enough for light to pass through giving it a luminous glow.


    Noctua waved a being over, their flesh almost too brilliant to look at directly, starlight peeking out from their joints and the spider web of cracks in their skin as they swayed over, long flames of magenta hair twisting above them, sparking. ¡®I believe this is your parent, they were arriving back to earth around when you were born. Tva, this is the celestial Luz.¡¯ Noctua gestured to the being, palm open in a welcome. And in a quieter voice ment for Tva alone, ¡®...my invitation stands, call on me again. I will come to you,¡¯ he said, his blue eyes hooded and intent, before he walked away, leaving Tva alone with his newfound parent.


    Luz eyed Tva, burning coals in their pupils, surrounded by roiling irises of molten magma, lithium pink as their radiant hair. Tva blinked, seeing sunspots behind his eyelids. ¡®I understand my descent through the atmosphere dispersed some of my godseed, transforming you into my demi-child?¡¯ The being said, ending the statement with the inflection of a question, their voice neutral.


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    Tva was still jared by the revelation that he had a parent. Of course he had his wolf birth parents, but it hadn¡¯t occurred to him that he would have a god parent as well, a being whose godseed transformed him. He hadn¡¯t thought about his transformation itself for a long while, too focused on the repercussions of his actions following after. He wasn¡¯t sure how he felt about having a god parent. This being seemed a bit blithely unconcerned, making a child so carelessly and then abandoning it. Not claiming responsibility for their actions. Perhaps that¡¯s just how godly parents were? He would never have been so negligent. He did not, he decided, have a high opinion of this parent of his.


    ¡®I was transformed by the dancing lights of the north, caught up into their skies by my song.¡¯ He said lowly, his voice coming out rough and raspy as he tried to conceal his hostility. ¡®And now you are a full god, congratulations are in order, I think.¡¯ Luz said, their voice the crackle of a heated flame over tinder with a hint of amusement.


    Tva bristled, he would never have been so crass as to congratulate another over their kin killing. Was he being taunted or was this god so indifferent to the plight of mortals? A low growl crept up his throat, either way, this god and he had irreconcilable differences. It was better to have none at all than to have Luz for a parent. Even with his own shortcomings, he was already a much better parent than his own. Luz arched a delicate flaming eyebrow at his animosity, shrugged and turned away, already bored by their new found offspring. Good riddance, Tva thought as he watched them walk away.


    Meeting Luz had been an informative experience, Tva thought as he traveled back to his lands, the winds carrying his intangible form as a long eerie howl, much like the one that had been captured by Luz¡¯s carelessly castoff godseed. He realized that just by his care and efforts alone he was already a better parent than Luz could ever hope to be, not that they would hope for such a thing, indifferent as they were to the plight of those they affected, apparently. He was a little bitter, he reflected. It hurt to be so negligently treated by his creator, however accidental it might have been. In those brief seconds before meeting Luz he had been hopeful for some wiser being that might be a comfort, that might care and have concern for him. Those hopes had been quickly dashed.


    He was glad he hadn¡¯t sought guidance from Luz regarding his children. Gods tended to endorse reciprocity, but in Tva¡¯s opinion those exchanges tended to be more one sided in the gods favor than purported. They wouldn¡¯t understand his care for his devotees, in many gods opinions mortals were perfidious, vice prone, and short sighted, which Tva found ironic considering gods own flaws.


    Regardless of his god bretheren¡¯s deficiencies, he still wished there was somebeing he could seek insight from. Noctua had repeatedly offered to accompany him, but his disesteem and treatment of his acolyte luna moth daughters had Tva hesitant. From his observance Noctua treated them as extensions of his will rather than beings of their own, casually crushing them at his whim when they disappointed him. Tva would never disrespect the efforts of his acolytes, and would never dream of harming them. Except A¡¯gia, he thought, a pang through his heart.


    His howl circled the grove as he arrived at the warrens, gathering opacity as he landed, stepping into materialization. His acolytes greeted him, happy yips and tails wagging. He landed among them, a few licking his muzzle in welcome. His precious children. In spite of everything, the difficulties among his worships and acolytes, he had no regrets.

 Chapter 9: D茅j脿 vu

    It had been a long day of patrolling, everyday he would do his rounds about the territory, but there had been more predators to ward off than usual today. A young fox had approached one of his territory lines, and he had to run it off. In a usual scenario they might have overlapping territories, wolves generally being indifferent to foxes, but he had a congregation to protect. He went back after running it off, emphasizing his boundary markers to prevent such an overstep again.


    He was returning when he caught the smell of blood. It started off with just a small whiff, but the smell kept getting stronger and stronger, the nearer he got to the far side of his domain. He broke into a run, his long strides bringing quickly him to the site of the scent. A blood bath met him. An entire family of rabbits, strewn about in various stages of dismemberment, their warren dug up, dirt clumps scattered among their corpses, soaking in their lifeblood.


    He stood, shocked, flashbacks of his family and the gore of A¡¯gia¡¯s death filling his thoughts.  He felt the anguish as if it was reliving it, overlaid with the scene in front of him. Details that he had blocked out unfolded in pellucid detail. There was his brother¡¯s stomach, his brother¡¯s heart, his brother¡¯s head, golden eyes staring hollowly up at him, accusingly. A¡¯gia lay on her side, her throat ripped open, fur a vibrant sanguine. Her eyes sought his as she bled out, asking him why why why. His fault, it was his fault all over again. He felt the panic rising, his limbs shaking, his eyes blurring in and out of focus.


    He had been so stupid to think he could protect those he loved, so stupid to think he could ever move on from these moments of failure. He was trapped, trapped in his mind, replaying over and over his murders, his immense sins. He shouldn¡¯t move on, he should pay for what he had done, should stay here in this moment as penance.


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    A wolf¡¯s growl snapped him out of his gruesome recollections, forcing him to confront the matter at hand. One of his children approached at his shoulder, peering around him to the slaughter ahead, growling her discontent. They watched as one of her siblings appeared from around a tree, trotting over with a fresh kill in his jaws, shaking it viciously like a toy with a playful growl. He caught sight of Tva, the dead rabbit dropping from his mouth, before bolting. His sister lunged from Tva¡¯s side giving chase, nipping at his heels and chasing him off. Tva wondered if she had done it on purpose, had chased him away from their home intentionally rather than let him suffer the retribution he was owed. He was in no state to serve his son his rightful punishment.


    The clean up was an exercise in grief, finding the disassembled parts of each rabbit and piecing them back together before laying a blessed lupus on their torn bodies and creating a magnetic field capable of accelerating their deterioration into the soil. His remaining three acolytes watched with solemnity.


    This time the rabbits didn¡¯t have justice. The acolyte had run off, and there was no means of assuring them it wouldn¡¯t happen again. Tva himself wasn¡¯t sure it could never happen again. He eyed his acolytes warily, who would turn next? He shook off the thought. He couldn¡¯t think like that, he had to trust them. He turned back to the assembled rabbits, their angry grunts and thumping back legs loud and condemnatory to his ears, ¡®What happened was a tragedy, an unforeseeable catastrophe. But I have promised to keep you safe and I will deliver on that promise.¡¯ He felt like a politician, speaking words wasn¡¯t sure were true, that he wasn¡¯t sure he could keep, but what else could he do, he thought, despondent.


    One rabbit approached him, raising its forepaws and dragging a single lupus flower out of his coat. Another followed, and another, and another. He still had some flowers by the end of their remonstration, but they were significantly fewer, each rabbit in the clearing now with one of his blessed blooms. With angry eyes the rabbits began eating the flowers, chewing the blooms with irate grinding bites. One by one they began the grisly transformation, until the whole clearing was filled with the sound of their piercing shrieks as they each thrashed about under the assault of the transformation.


    Tva watched somberly as the former rabbits got up, assessing their new forms on clumsy legs. Then, as a group, they turned their backs on him, rejecting him and his empty promise of protection. And left.

 Chapter 10: Abandoned

    He felt so empty, watching their backs as they left him. Just as empty as the promises he had made them. He deserved this, deserved their scorn for the lies he had told, lies to them and lies to himself. He had tried so hard to be a worthy god, to be a worthy father, but his good intentions had come to naught. Good intentions weren¡¯t enough, he now knew.


    It felt different, but also the same, watching their backs, just like he had watched Luz¡¯s as they had left him behind. With Luz he had watched his hopes for guidance, for comfort leave him behind, but had ultimately been satisfied, self-righteous, even, watching them walk away. He had been arrogant, thinking himself a better parent for caring more than they had, ignoring the possibility that his devotees might not benefit from his care. Would they have been better off without it, he now wondered. Had he actually harmed them, but forcing them to depend on him, letting them lower their defenses and opening them to his acolyte¡¯s attacks?


    His acolytes milled about him, agitated and unsure. He was a terrible father, he now understood. They were all better off without his conceited care. He turned on them growling, nipping at their paws, chasing them away, away to follow their brethren, or join up with their missing brother, just anywhere but here under his disastrous protection. They were better off on their own. Perhaps they would find a better god to devote themselves to.


    He made his way to the lake where the lupus grew, the very same one where he had first encountered his rabbit people, the same one that he had collapsed at after running from his sins the first time. It seemed fitting to come here.


    Maybe¡­maybe he shouldn¡¯t have run away. Maybe that had been his first mistake. If he had dealt with his transgressions from the onset maybe he wouldn¡¯t be where he was now. He sighed. There were so many things he should have done differently, it was hard to pick just one. He was just¡­so tired. And alone, again. He looked up at the moons. Last time he had been here, Noctua had informed him he was a god.


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    He could use some company now. Someone to distract him, and Noctua had offered. He raised his head, muzzle to the sky, and let out a long soulful howl, encompassing all his grief and yearning. Yearning for something to be different, for any part of his life to have been different than it was.


    The blue moon¡¯s reflection rippled as his call faded out, a faint shimmering wavelet that increased as it approached the water¡¯s edge. The same glimmer that had preceded Noctua¡¯s arrival last time rippled the air, and out stepped the moon himself, wearing his human skin as he was prone to do when he left his orbit. He looked more elegant this time, his clothes tidier and his hair sleek and silky rather than messy as it had been last time. How much control did he have over his appearance, Tva wondered dispassionately.


    Noctua turned to him, running a hand through his hair, rumpling it a little, his other wrapped around a jug of his infamous moon wine, this time the porcelain mask capping it was in the shape of a cicada in a bed of plum blossoms. He gave Tva a small smile, coming over to sit next to Tva on the bank of the lake. ¡®I¡¯m glad you called, I was beginning to think you never would.¡¯ He said in his quiet velvet-soft voice. Forming moonlight with his hands into a simple cup, he poured himself and Tva a glass. Tva thanked him quietly.


    ¡®My worshipers abandoned me today.¡¯ Tva said, breaking the silence. Night was for secrets and painful truths that weren¡¯t quite ready for daylight. Noctua looked at him, blue eyes surprised but kind. ¡®Your song was full of heartache.¡¯ Tva nodded, taking a sip from his cup. He could taste the dreams of the cicada from its long sleep beneath the dark soil, dreams of one day seeing the sun, of the songs it would sing. He wondered what it was like, to have that sort of optimism for such a short life. Was that why Noctua drank? To experience the vibrancy of mortals¡¯ short bright lives? He had been a mortal too, once, he reminded himself, had Noctua?


    ¡®I wronged them, and they punished me, as I deserved.¡¯ He said, self-deprecating. Noctua paused, looking at him curiously. ¡®By leaving?¡¯ he asked. Tva nodded, looking down into his moonlight cup. Noctua looked contemplative, and it occurred to Tva that Noctua¡¯s devotees had no means of abandoning him. What would it mean to abandon your own dreams? ¡®They didn¡¯t deserve you,¡¯ Noctua¡¯s voice was low and full of enmity. ¡®They never appreciated your commitment. I saw into their dreams and they never merited the affection you gave them. You are the most pure god I have ever seen, the only one I have ever known to love your devotees so unconditionally, so without hope for return. Forget them, they had already forgotten you.¡¯ He paused, filling Tva¡¯s cup once again, topping it to the brim. ¡®And if you can¡¯t forget, I will help you.¡¯

 Resources

    Aurora Borealis:


    https://www.space.com/15139-northern-lights-auroras-earth-facts-sdcmp.html</a>


    https://www.discover-the-world.com/northern-lights/</a>


    Caribou:


    https://a-z-animals.com/blog/caribou-migration-what-is-it-and-why-do-they-do-it/</a>


    Cicada:


    https://cicadas.uconn.edu/</a>


    Electrocution:


    https://www.health.com/condition/skin-conditions/what-it-feels-like-to-be-electrocuted</a>


    https://justenergy.com/blog/electric-shock-what-how-and-why-dangerous/</a>


    Electromagnet:


    https://ece.northeastern.edu/fac-ece/nian/mom/electromagnets.html</a>


    Heart attack:


    https://www.aarp.org/health/conditions-treatments/info-2019/heart-attack-survivor-stories.html</a>


    Larynx:


    https://www.med.or.jp/english/journal/pdf/2011_04/241_247.pdf</a>


    Lupine poisoning:


    https://wagwalking.com/condition/lupine-poisoning</a>


    Magnetic field:


    https://www.discovermagazine.com/environment/what-magnetic-fields-do-to-your-brain-and-body</a>


    Magnetic north pole:


    https://www.newsweek.com/earth-magnetic-north-pole-follows-unusual-path-races-towards-siberia-1789823</a>


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    Magnetotropism:


    https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Magnetotropism</a>


    https://www.frontiersin.org/articles/10.3389/fpls.2014.00445/full</a>


    Near death experience:


    https://www.buzzfeed.com/victoriavouloumanos/people-die-and-come-back-to-life-stories</a>


    https://www.cnn.com/2013/04/09/health/belgium-near-death-experiences/index.html</a>


    https://www.scientificamerican.com/article/what-near-death-experiences-reveal-about-the-brain/</a>


    Prey drive:


    https://tractive.com/blog/en/safety/hunting-behavior-in-dogs</a>


    PTSD:


    https://www.mind.org.uk/information-support/types-of-mental-health-problems/post-traumatic-stress-disorder-ptsd-and-complex-ptsd/symptoms/</a>


    Revived:


    https://www.quora.com/What-does-cardiac-arrest-feel-like-is-it-different-from-a-heart-attack</a>


    Snow:


    https://www.quora.com/What-does-it-feel-like-to-touch-the-snow</a>


    Speech:


    https://www.flintrehab.com/cant-talk-after-stroke/</a>


    Weather:


    https://www.nps.gov/gaar/planyourvisit/weather.htm</a>


    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vd7yaHlJ_uM&ab_channel=gramSinusem</a>


    https://earthobservatory.nasa.gov/images/44303/spring-in-the-canadian-arctic</a>


    Wolf communication:


    https://nationalzoo.si.edu/animals/news/why-do-wolves-howl-and-other-top-wolf-questions-answered</a>


    https://wolf.org/wolf-info/basic-wolf-info/biology-and-behavior/communication/</a>


    Wolf development:


    https://www.yellowstonepark.com/things-to-do/wildlife/wolf-pup-development/</a>


    Wolf hunting:


    https://www.livingwithwolves.org/how-wolves-hunt/</a>


    https://www.quora.com/How-big-of-an-animal-can-a-lone-healthy-and-fully-grown-wolf-take-down</a>


    https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hunting_behavior_of_gray_wolves</a>


    Wolf pack:


    https://wolfhaven.org/conservation/wolves/pack-structure/</a>


    Wolves:


    https://www.fws.gov/story/leaving-pack</a>


    https://www.vetstreet.com/our-pet-experts/6-fascinating-things-you-didnt-know-about-wolves</a>


    https://www.nwf.org/Educational-Resources/Wildlife-Guide/Mammals/Gray-Wolf</a>


    https://isleroyalewolf.org/overview/overview/wolves.html</a>