《Bridges We Burn Along the Way》 Chapter 1 I wake to the rhythmic beeping of what could only be a hospital vital monitor. I reach over to the remote, to turn off what must be an asinine medical drama on TV when I realize I can¡¯t move my arms. My eyes shoot open, the white walls and fluorescent lights blur my vision. I begin to thrash before pain shoots through my chest and arms, forcing me to rest. That¡¯s when I hear the dull, bored voice in a tone I¡¯ve heard so, so many times and I realize all at once where I am, and what is happening. ¡°Heroin.¡± My mothers voice sighs. ¡°That¡¯s new, Blythe.¡± I squint my eyes and make her out, sitting in the corner with a steaming cup of coffee with a look on her face that says ¡°Damn it, Blythe, again?¡± She¡¯s worried, but the worry on her face is covered by disappointment, disgust, and contempt. ¡°Do you have anything to say for yourself?¡± She scoffs. ¡°I don¡¯t know what you¡¯re talking about, Beth.¡± I choke out. She shakes her head and comes over to my bedside. ¡°Blythe. Your heart stopped. You died. When are you going to stop this?¡± ¡°When I have a mother who cares more about her children than her image.¡± I spat back. ¡°Or a mother who tries to help her children instead of throwing money at all of their problems.¡± If you discover this tale on Amazon, be aware that it has been stolen. Please report the violation. She took a deep breath. ¡°I gave you money so you wouldn¡¯t be thrown in jail for stealing. Remember your lavish stay in county? Huh?¡± I rolled my eyes, turning my aching head in the other direction. I could hear her rummaging through things beside me. ¡°Well, you¡¯re getting your wish, Blythe.¡± She said. I turned back to look at her, she was holding a large folder filled with documents. ¡°I¡¯ve contacted adult protective services, and with the help of the doctors here and our lawyer, you are now under my custody, again. And the first thing you¡¯re going to do is get well, and then go to rehab, the second you¡¯re discharged.¡± My mouth dropped open. ¡°You can''t do that. I am twenty-six years old!¡± I snap, thrashing my aching arms. She put the folder on the bed side table and folded her arms. I couldn¡¯t help but notice her deep brown hair. As it always was, perfectly coiffed and sharply trimmed to her shoulders. My mother was always this beautiful, tall supermodel of a woman. Her skin was a beautiful golden brown and her eyes twinkled a deep hazel. No one would ever see the disdained looks she¡¯d throw at me, the shame in her beautiful eyes, the way she would tell me my art was great, but my sister''s writing was immaculate. There is so much pain between us¡­ Why is she doing this? Why didn¡¯t she just let me fucking die already. ¡°Yes, Blythe, you¡¯re twenty-six. You also weigh ninety-seven pounds and this is the third time you¡¯ve overdosed in the last six months, Blythe. You are a detriment to yourself and if you¡¯re not stopped¡­¡± She trailed off, her voice breaking and for the first time in my life I saw a single tear roll down her cheek before she quickly brushed it away. ¡°This is it, Blythe. If you can¡¯t do this, if you continue to fight me. I have no other choice but to cut you off. I can¡¯t keep staying up nights, praying that this isn¡¯t the night that I get the call that you¡¯re dead. This is the last stop.¡± She said. She stood, examining me before she turned around, brushed off her long skirt, and strutted out of the room. A nurse came in quickly after her, I swallowed hard, noticing now the NG tube in my nose. I rested my head back on the pillow while the nurse told me all about how hard they had to try to bring me back, how they were sure the combination of starvation and drugs had finally done me in for good, how they had to strap me to the bed in order for them to get the NG tube in because I wouldn¡¯t stop fighting them. I couldn¡¯t help it, I tried to stop it, but the tears came anyway. Chapter 2 ¡°Blythe. You know our mother is never going to let you take a two week long ¡®artist retreat¡¯ in the mountains.¡± My sister blair laughed. ¡°And that is exactly why she doesn¡¯t need to know.¡± I smirked. ¡°Cover for me, please Blair I need this.¡± Blair rolled her deep hazel eyes, she took the most after our mother. She had a beautiful figure, long legs that went on for days, and eyes that could see right into your heart. ¡°And how the hell do you expect me to do that? You know she finds a way to show up here every other day for brunch or to check in or whatever excuse she finds to show up unannounced.¡± I hopped up on the kitchen counter. ¡°Blair, I¡¯ve been sober for a year and a half, I¡¯ve gained weight, I¡¯ve done everything she¡¯s asked of me! She cannot keep me on a schedule like a prisoner for the rest of my life. This Gallery will be my chance to get my work out there. To become my own person and get out of your house!¡± ¡°I happen to like you living at my house, thank you very much. It feels like we¡¯re kids again, only without most of moms nagging.¡± She chuckled, I glared at her. ¡°I don¡¯t know why you¡¯re so stressed about this. You¡¯ve made tons of money off the cover art from my last two books alone.¡± ¡°That is because those books have been best sellers and you gave me an unreasonably large cut of the profits. I don¡¯t want to be known as my little sister''s book illustrator. I have my own life, Blair!¡± I¡¯m shouting now, Blair throws her hands up and sighs. ¡°I can¡¯t lie for you, Blythe. Don¡¯t you understand how serious this is? If you relapse, mom will never forgive you¡­ you could die.¡± She said, quietly at the end. ¡°Is that really what you think of me?¡± I asked quietly, ¡°That I¡¯m using this as an excuse to get high? That-that my art isn¡¯t good enough if I¡¯m not strung out?¡± Blair ran a hand through her luscious, brown ringlet curls and sighed. ¡°No, I¡¯m just worried about you, Blythe. I don''t want you to be tempted. When you OD¡¯d I- ¡± I hopped off the counter, cutting her off. ¡°When I OD¡¯d you all should have just let me fucking die.¡± I stormed down the hall, Blair shouting after me. Once I reached my bedroom I slammed the door so hard the sound echoed through the hallways. Tears welled up in my eyes, and I tried too hard to blink them away. In rehab, they say you need to feel your pain, but the pain of being here, of living and breathing when Cedar is gone¡­Is just far too much for me to bear. I swallowed my tears and shoved the past into the back of my mind. This is it. This gallery is my chance to get my art out there, to get out of my sister''s shadow and finally, finally be free. There are only two things that really brought out the creativity in me. The first, of course, were drugs. Some of the best pieces I¡¯d ever painted, drawn, or sketched were either while I was high, or coming down from a high. The second is one I picked up in rehab, nature. The rehab facility my mother sent me to was deep in the colorado mountains, where the colors were vibrant, and the air was cold but nature was raw and beautiful. Art is what kept me in addiction, but it was also the thing that pulled me out. This book''s true home is on another platform. Check it out there for the real experience. I knew I needed to be back in the mountains, I needed to feel free again and my art would reflect that. I¡¯ve painted, sure but nothing would ever be as good as the pieces I made in rehab. Those were unfiltered, messy, they were mine. Not some little painting of flowers or romantic settings for Blairs novel, no those pieces were what made me, me. I¡¯d made up my mind, the only way to get the inspiration I was looking for is to get high, or to get somewhere I was free to be myself. Somewhere filled with crisp air and living breathing nature. In my mind, I think of how much easier it would be to just get high. I think of how to get my hands on pills, powders, anything. And then I remember waking up in that hospital, I remember the look on my mothers face, and worst of all¡­ I remember Cedar. I shake the thought out of my head and start planning. I¡¯d need to hike throughout the night, but it would be worth it. I would be free to be myself again, and for the first time in over a year I could be happy. I grab my old camping backpack and start shoving the warmest clothes I own into it. The winters in Colorado are cold, but I am no stranger to the outdoors. I figured I¡¯d ride to the least known, and least likely mountain trail for anyone to be on, which would be a forty-five minute ride to Cauldare, the smallest little mountain town that no one ever visits. Until now. Just after midnight, I sneak into Blairs room. My mother made her keep the key to my bike on her key ring. I thought about just taking an Uber, but my mother forced me to share my location with her at all times which I¡¯m sure she watches like a hawk. I search around in the darkness for a bit on tiptoe when I see them. Her key ring sat in a bowl on her dresser, I snuck over to her dresser and slowly reached for the key ring when I heard her voice. ¡°Sneaking out?¡± She asked groggy. ¡°What?¡± I replied. ¡°Blythe. I¡¯m not stupid, and you¡¯re not as sneaky as you think.¡± She said, sitting up in bed. The moonlight through the curtain illuminated her face, heightening her worried look. My shoulders slump. ¡°I have to get out of here, B.¡± I whispered. She sighed. ¡°I don¡¯t know why you¡¯re doing this, Blythe, but you¡¯d never do something like this unless it was important to you.¡± ¡°I need a break, Blair.¡± I said quietly. ¡°I¡¯m not going to cover for you.¡± She said, ¡°I¡¯m going to have to tell her you¡¯re gone¡­¡± I curled my fingers into fists, and took a long deep breath before she spoke again. ¡°So I hope for your sake, you¡¯re far up the mountain by morning.¡± She said, an extremely small smirk spreading across her lips. I practically leaped over to her bed and squeezed her so hard I thought my arms would break. ¡°That¡¯s all the time I need.¡± I said. ¡°Thank you, B.¡± ¡°Can you just promise me one thing, please?¡± She asked with glossy eyes. I nodded. ¡°Yes, yeah.¡± ¡°Promise me, you¡¯ll eat. Three times a day, even if it¡¯s just a little bit. A-and I know you¡¯re clean but¨C¡± I stopped her. I climbed under her covers and pulled her close to me. ¡°Blair, after last time¡­I don¡¯t want to make you feel the way I felt with Cedar. I don¡¯t want to put you through that. I love you, you¡¯re my very best friend and I don¡¯t want to worry you, but I need to be free. Even just for a little while.¡± I said softly. Blair nodded. ¡°I love you too, Blythe.¡± She said, ¡°Please¡­Be careful. I¡¯ll wait to call mom as long as I can.¡± I kissed her forehead and climbed out of her bed. I grabbed my keys off her key ring and toward the door. ¡°Blythe.¡± Blair said, ¡°Your art is amazing. You¡¯re gonna kill it at the gallery.¡± I smiled at her, and then headed to the basement for the rest of my camping gear. Once I got all my gear packed and loaded onto my motorcycle, I took one last look at the route to Cauldare before I turned off my phone and left it in the garage. I knew the first thing my mother would do was try to track my location, as if I would be stupid enough to bring my phone with me. I hopped on my bike, giving one last look to the home that used to feel like a prison to me, before turning around, revving the engine, and getting ready to finally have my freedom back. Chapter 3 I made it to Cauldare in record time. It was probably about two-thirty in the morning when I reached the base of the mountain. I grabbed my backpack and camping bag, and started heading up. My goal was to camp just outside of the range of the preserve, surrounded by nothing but trees and nature. I hiked for a few hours in the darkness, just my lantern in hand. By the time I found a pretty good place to make camp, the sun had begun to rise and I could see a small cabin just a few yards away. I trudged through the trees to get a better look, the sun painted the clouds beautiful shades of purple and blue. It was still pretty dark, but I was mostly able to make out my surroundings even without the lantern. The scent of pine needles filled my nose. I sat back in the snow against a tree. Stolen from Royal Road, this story should be reported if encountered on Amazon. Finally, I was out of my mothers grasp. Even if only for a little while. I felt exhilarated¡­ And exhausted from staying up all night, but I decided to sit, gazing at the sunrise a little longer before going to sleep. There was no smoke coming from the chimney of the cabin in the distance, so I made a mental note to check it out later. I stood up, and turned to go back to the clearing when the snow under my right foot slid out from under me. I took a step back, but I couldn¡¯t feel the ground under me. I grasped at a tree branch but it was too late, by the time my brain caught up with my body. All I could feel was air passing by me, before the slam of my body against what I could only assume was a giant boulder. Then the twisting and turning, it was almost as if I was rolling down a hill, only the hill was made of knives. Finally, everything came to a stop when I again slammed against something hard. I had only a minute to try to get my bearings straight before I was compressed, cold, and unable to move at all. Chapter 4 I see his face, his pale blue eyes and upturned button nose. He¡¯s standing at the window of our apartment, looking at the beautiful Los Angeles sunrise. ¡°There¡¯s only one thing more beautiful than watching the sun rise.¡± He said quietly. I came up behind him, wrapping him in my arms and resting my chin on his shoulder, breathing him in. The smell of acrylic paint filled my nose, he¡¯d stayed up all night again feverishly painting. ¡°What¡¯s that?¡± I asked. ¡°More beautiful than the sunrise.¡± He turned around, putting his hands on my waist and pulling me closer to him. ¡°You.¡± He said. ¡°Always you.¡± He kissed me then, I remember the feel of his lips on mine. His soft lips, the tickle of his mustache against my lip. He pulled away, tracing my lip with his paint stained thumb. I knew when I met him that no one else in the world would ever look at me the way he did. When he looked into my eyes I felt like he could see me for who I was, the raw, true me. ¡°I love you, Cedar.¡± I said to him. He smiled at me, I could feel his heartbeat quicken against my chest. ¡°Marry me.¡± He said. I took a step back, stunned. ¡°What? Really?¡± I asked, breathlessly. ¡°Yeah, I¡¯m serious. I love you, Blythe. Marry me.¡± He said, taking my hands. ¡°I don¡¯t want or need anyone but you. Let¡¯s go today, marry me.¡± I felt my cheeks flush, butterflies swirled around inside me. ¡°Okay.¡± I said. ~ There was not a single part of my body that didn¡¯t hurt. The only thing I could register when I regained consciousness was pain. My eyes were open, but I couldn¡¯t make out where I was. My body felt compressed, I tried to move but between the shooting pain and whatever I was wrapped up in I was trapped. I haven¡¯t overdosed again, yet I¡¯m strapped up on a bed. This was no hospital, I could smell burning wood, and just make out some of the furniture in the room. I was in someone''s house. I remember the cabin I saw, just before the fall. I must be in that cabin, but the sun was just begging to rise when I saw it. It''s almost pitch black in here. Then I heard footsteps. Big, heavy, thumping footsteps, and then the creaking of a door. For a second, it was all I could do not to panic, I wouldn¡¯t be all tied up unless some lunatic found me out there. A light was turned on, and I was disoriented again. Even with my eyes squeezed shut, the light attacked my eyes making my head pound. I heard a loud thump, and then a man''s voice. ¡°A-are you awake?¡± He asked. I didn¡¯t reply. I was too busy willing my eyes to open again to make sure that thump I heard wasn''t a body. Then, all of the lights went off, and I could feel his hulking footsteps coming over to me. He stopped at my left side and paused, suspense rose in me but all the man did was turn on a lamp on the small table next to me. ¡°I¡¯m sorry,¡± The man said. ¡°I didn¡¯t mean to blind you there.¡± He chuckled a bit. I gave him a confused stare and looked at my surroundings. I was in a room, on what I could only assume to be a pull out couch. To my right a flight of stairs that went up to the loft above my head. Next to that was a small kitchen area, with an old wood stove, that was where the smell was coming from. There was a small little kitchen island with three chairs pushed under the lip of the counter, and behind that were two very comfortable looking chairs sitting in front of an unlit fireplace. I looked up at the man. He was a large, built guy. I couldn¡¯t really make out what he looked like, He was wearing really good quality winter wear. A thick coat, snow pants, and large snow boots. He had on a black hat, and he was covered in so much snow I couldn¡¯t make out the color of his beard. ¡°Who are you?¡± I asked, looking him over. ¡°My name is Rowan.¡± He said, in probably the deepest voice I¡¯ve ever heard. ¡°I was just about to run into town this morning when Sadie found you out in the snow. I thought you were dead there at first.¡± ¡°Who is Sadie?¡± I asked. He chuckled again, ¡°She¡¯s my old st. bernard.¡± He said. ¡°Lucky we found you when we did. I think you just missed hypothermia.¡± ¡°Why am I strapped to this bed?¡± I asked, with an accusatory tone. Rowan removed his hat and coat, hanging them on the coat rack next to the door. ¡°I wouldn¡¯t stay strapped as much as bundled. Unless you mean your arm.¡± He said. ¡°That¡¯s just a sling I had to improvise for your arm. I bundled you up because you needed all the warmth you could get.¡± I just looked at him. He pulled one of the chairs at the kitchen island over and sat on it. ¡°Looks to me like you fell off a cliff a little higher up the mountain. Your arm was dislocated, I took care of popping that back in its socket while you were out. I figured you wouldn¡¯t want to be awake for that. Also, it seems like you sprained your ankle and might¡¯ve broken a rib or two.¡± He continued, studying me. ¡°You might have a concussion as well, but there¡¯s no way for me to tell for certain, but you woke up so that¡¯s a pretty good sign. ¡°So, why am I here and not in a hospital?¡± I spat, the pain in my head was building. Rowan nodded, and walked over to the door, turning on a light outside and opening the door. From where I lay, I could see just out the door. Outside there was already a foot of snow on the porch alone, I couldn¡¯t see anything but white past the porch awning. It was a full on blizzard out there, the snow plummeting out of the sky in huge bunches. I lay back on the pillow. ¡°A fucking blizzard?¡± I sighed. Rowan shut the door. ¡°I figured we¡¯d just wait it out¡­ I can keep an eye on you in the meantime.¡± I scoffed. ¡°You don¡¯t happen to have a degree in medicine, do you?¡± I asked, sarcastically. This tale has been unlawfully lifted without the author''s consent. Report any appearances on Amazon. This time he audibly laughed, and pointed to the wall to the left of me. On the wall was a framed medical degree¡­from Stanford University. I rolled my eyes. ¡°You¡¯ve gotta be kidding me.¡± I mumbled. ¡°Technically speaking, I¡¯m a board certified oncologist, and yeah you do need a medical degree for that.¡± He said. ¡°Look you¡¯ve gotta be in a ton of pain, I have some pills I could give you to help.¡± ¡°No.¡± I said quickly. ¡°I can¡¯t take anything stronger than ibuprofen.¡± ¡°Look, I¡¯ve seen grown men with injuries way less painful than what you¡¯re going through right about now.¡± He said. ¡°You¡¯re gonna need something to bring down your fever if you get one.¡± ¡°Got any Tylenol?¡± I asked. Rowan brought two pills with a glass of water, and helped me sit up so I could take them. Once I was upright I noticed I was completely naked under all of the blankets. ¡°Where are my clothes?¡± I demanded, pulling the blanket up to my chest with the only arm that didn¡¯t hurt to move. ¡°I had to cut them off, to assess the damage.¡± He said, ¡°That¡¯s how I found out about the possible broken ribs.¡± ¡°You could have at least covered me, perv.¡± I spat. ¡°Technically, I did. With about four blankets.¡± He said, I rolled my eyes. ¡°You were out for quite a while. I really think you should try your best not to fall asleep.¡± ¡°How long?¡± I asked. ¡°How long was I out, I mean.¡± He shrugged his shoulders. ¡°About fourteen, or fifteen hours. At least since Sadie found you, you were partially covered in snow, I¡¯m genuinely shocked hypothermia didn¡¯t set in.¡± I took a deep breath, swallowed my pills and did my best to try to relax. Now that he was unfrozen and dry, I could see his full, long, and unkept beard. He had thick deep brown hair and his eyes were the color of jade. He had to be at least six foot four, and his biceps were bigger than my thighs. ¡°Where¡¯s Sadie?¡± I asked. He was crouched near the fireplace, trying to get a fire going. ¡°She¡¯s in the spare room, I didn¡¯t want her to get too excited and jump all over you.¡± He said. ¡°I have clothes in my backpack.¡± I said. The fire started, Rowan stood up and turned to me. ¡°I didn¡¯t find you with a backpack.¡± I put a hand to my forehead. I took my pack off to sit against the tree before I fell. My eyes stung with tears, but I willed them away. ¡°I don¡¯t really want to be naked, in a strange man''s house. Doctor or not.¡± Rowan nodded. ¡°Understood, I¡¯ll see if I can find something for you, but you¡¯ll swim in anything I own.¡± ¡°Anything is better than being completely naked. Thanks.¡± I said. Rowan trudged up the stairs, I could hear him opening and closing drawers up there, then he came back down and handed a shirt and a pair of sweatpants. I took them with my left hand and started attempting to put them on. I was able to get the shirt around my neck, and then my left arm through the sleeve, but my right arm was in a sling and I could barely move it. Rowan was over in the kitchen, stoking the wood stove. I tried a few more times, in vain, to get the shirt on until the pain of even attempting to move it was too painful to bear. ¡°Um¡­¡± I said quietly, ¡°Do you think you could give me a hand? With the shirt, I mean.¡± ¡°Are you sure?¡± He asked. ¡°I mean, just a few minutes ago, you called me a perv.¡± I rolled my eyes. ¡°I can¡¯t get my arm in the sleeve.¡± I said. Rowan smirked and walked over to me, he took the sling off and held my arm still maneuvering the shirt around my arm. Once my arm was through the sleeve he carefully put the sling back on. It didn¡¯t surprise me that he was a doctor. He was rugged, but he knew what he was doing. Throughout the whole process, he never hurt me once. ¡°This blizzard could last hours, or it could last days.¡± He sighed, ¡°I live all the way up here to be away from people, other than going to town a couple times a month, I don¡¯t really see or speak to anyone. Is it too much to ask for us to just be cool with each other until this whole thing is over?¡± I nodded. ¡°I¡¯m sorry I just¨C¡± He stopped me. ¡°You don¡¯t need to apologize.¡± He said. ¡°You¡¯re going through a lot right now, I just want to make it easy on the both of us.¡± I nodded. ¡°I never told you my name,¡± I said, ¡°It¡¯s Blythe.¡± Rowan smiled. ¡°That¡¯s a nice name.¡± I thanked him. ¡°So, you live up here by yourself?¡± I asked. ¡°Yeah, I don¡¯t meet a lot of women up here, so far from civilization.¡± He chuckled. ¡°You laugh a lot.¡± I said, flatly. ¡°I think it¡¯s a¡­ way for me to buffer conversations. Again, mountain man, away from people, etc.¡± He said, walking toward the kitchen. ¡°Are you uh, hungry? I¡¯ve got some chicken soup, you should probably eat at least a little, you''re like really, really skinny.¡± ¡°I get that a lot, comes with the anorexia.¡± I said. He paused for a minute. ¡°I¡¯m sorry, I said that. It was¨C¡± I cut him off. ¡°Don¡¯t. It¡¯s not a big deal, I will eat.¡± I said. He nodded and grabbed a large pot from one of the cabinets. He took it over to the sink and turned it on, filling the pot. ¡°How do you have running water up here?¡± I asked. ¡°A-and power for that matter?¡± He smiled. ¡°My folks built this place when I was a kid. My mother refused to live up here without proper plumbing and hot water. So my dad designed an entire self-sufficient plumbing system. Everything runs on solar panels and hydro-energy from a river nearby. Even the hot water heater in the basement.¡± ¡°Holy shit. That¡¯s amazing.¡± I said, astonished. He laughed. ¡°My dad was a big advocate for saving the planet. It also helps that he and my mom made boat loads of money from selling some of our land to the state.¡± ¡°What?¡± I asked. ¡°Yeah, my family owned a pretty big amount of land up here. People were always trespassing on it, hiking and what not. Some people decided it should be turned into a nature preserve, the state reached out and offered my family a ton of money for the whole properly, but they didn¡¯t want to let it go, so they came up with a deal, we¡¯d sell half the land, they could make the other half into a nature preserved, and the county would pay us to be glorified park rangers.¡± He said, clearly amused with himself. ¡°Shit, you guys really lucked out.¡± I said. He shrugged, sticking the pot of water on the stove. ¡°Yeah, for a while.¡± ¡°Where are they now?¡± I asked. ¡°Your parents.¡± He took a deep breath in, ¡°Well, my mom passed away right after I graduated high school, and my dad passed away about two years ago.¡± He said. ¡°My mom had breast cancer, after she died I wanted to do everything in my power for people battling any kind of cancer. I wouldn¡¯t wish that shit on my worst enemy.¡± I looked at him, there was so much pain in his eyes. ¡°I¡¯m so¨C¡± I stopped myself. I cleared my throat and tried again. ¡°I think your mom would be really proud of you.¡± I said. He nodded. ¡°What about you? Are your parents still alive?¡± He asked. ¡°One of them, My dad died when I was a kid. My mom is a raging narcissistic bitch who never talks about him. I don¡¯t even know how he died, she refuses to let anyone talk about him.¡± I said. He winced. ¡°Oof. That¡¯s harsh.¡± I shrugged with my only usable shoulder. He reached in the freezer and grabbed a large frozen bag. ¡°What¡¯s that?¡± ¡°My aunt, she lives in town. I visit her every time I go down there and she gives me giant batches of premade food. It¡¯s always soups, or stews, even chili.¡± Rowan said, slowly lowering the bag into the pot. ¡°I could make it myself, but it makes her feel better when she does. She hates that I¡¯ve been living up here alone.¡± ¡°You¡¯re not alone though.¡± I say. ¡°You¡¯ve got Sadie. Who I¡¯m dying to meet.¡± Rowan laughed. ¡°Soon. She gets really excited, I¡¯d hate for her to hurt you.¡± The mention of pain brought me back. My whole body ached. Tylenol was doing little to nothing to stop it, but there was nothing I could do. Taking anything stronger than that would risk a relapse and I couldn¡¯t have that. I took a breath and winced, the pain in my side was sharp. ¡°I really think you should take something a little stronger than Tylenol. I have a few painkillers, nothing crazy but I¡¯m sure it¡¯ll take the edge off.¡± He said. ¡°I can¡¯t.¡± I said quietly. ¡°I can¡¯t risk it.¡± He started ladling soup into a bowl. ¡°How long have you been in recovery?¡± He asked. I stared at him. ¡°Eighteen months.¡± I say through gritted teeth.¡± ¡°That¡¯s a long time. I¡¯m happy for you.¡± He said, bringing a bowl over to me. ¡°Here, just lay back. Relax, straining yourself only makes it worse.¡± He pulled up a chair, and began trying to spoon feed me soup. ¡°I can do it myself.¡± I spat. Rowan nodded and held out the bowl to me, I glared at him. ¡°That¡¯s what I thought.¡± he said, grabbing the spoon and carefully bringing it to my lips. ¡°How¡¯d you know I was in recovery?¡± I asked between spoonfuls. ¡°I saw my fair share of injuries when I was an intern. No one with injuries like yours would turn down opioids, except for former addicts.¡± He said. ¡°I¡¯m not judging you. Some of the strongest people I¡¯ve ever met were addicts.¡± ¡°When can I sleep?¡± I asked, this wasn¡¯t really a conversation I wanted to have with someone I just met. He brought the spoon to my lips again. ¡°Eat a little more. We¡¯ll wait for a little while afterward, if you¡¯re still doing okay in let¡¯s say an hour and a half, I¡¯ll let you get some sleep.¡± I huffed, which was a horrible idea. Pain shot through my chest. I nodded. Trying to get my body to relax a bit. ¡°So, what now?¡± I asked. Chapter 5 Rowan and I stayed up most of the night. He was actually really nice to talk to. I laid in the bed and he just sat in a chair next to me. He told me that before his parents were big environmentalists, his father was an engineer and his mother was an architect. They demolished the house that his grandparents lived in up here, and then made plans and designs for an eco-friendly cabin that could harvest and store its own power. I was in awe, I wished I could have met them. Eventually I fell asleep, and woke to the sun, high in the sky. The blizzard must¡¯ve stopped at some point. ¡°Morning.¡± Rowan said from the kitchen. ¡°Whenever you¡¯re ready, I¡¯ve got everything set up to take you down to the hospital.¡± I nodded, he brought me a glass of water, and more Tylenol. ¡°Alright.¡± I said. He helped me into his old thick coat, luckily my boots were spared when Rowan decided to turn my clothes to rags. He lifted me up so easily. His arms were so strong. He walked me out to the snowmobile, and laid me down gently in the sled, attached to the snowmobile. I was uncomfortable and in pain but I knew I would be fine as soon as I was off this mountain. Rowan wrapped a thick blanket around me, and hopped on the snowmobile, revving the engine. I knew he would try to drive carefully, but there was so much snow. Every turn, every bump sent the most intense pain shooting through my body. Even trying to take a breath was excruciating. We were a few miles away from the cabin when Rowan stopped suddenly. ¡°No..¡± He said, ¡°No, no. Fuck.¡± ¡°What?¡± I asked. He turned the snowmobile around so I could see. Right in the middle of the path, was a massive landslide. There were several trees that came down with it. The snow was piled so high we could even see beyond it. ¡°There¡¯s another way down, right?¡± I asked. ¡°I mean, there has got to be another way off this mountain.¡± ¡°This is the only trail.¡± Rowan said quietly. ¡°The rest of the way around us is rocky, and drops every so often. We paved this trail, because everywhere else was far too steep.¡± My mouth hung open. ¡°No.¡± I said. ¡°Nope. No. There has to be another way.¡± Rowan came over to the sled and crouched down. ¡°I¡¯m in these mountains, I¡¯m all around, everyday. There isn¡¯t another way to get down, Blythe. We¡¯ll just have to go back to the cabin.¡± ¡°Until when?¡± I asked, breathlessly. ¡°Who is going to come and clear this path?¡± ¡°I don¡¯t know.¡± Rowan said, and then softly, ¡°I don¡¯t know.¡± When we arrived back at the cabin, both of us just sat in stunned silence. Rowan got me back into bed, and then sat at the kitchen island. ¡°I¡¯m gonna go out and look for your pack.¡± He said. He marched down a hall to the left of the kitchen, before I even had a chance to process what he said. I heard a door opening, and whimpering. He came back with Sadie, and just walked straight out the door, without even glancing over to me. I sat there on the bed, in silence. It was already bad enough that I¡¯m stuck battered and bruised, but then for him to just¡­walk out? I couldn¡¯t take my mind off of how much pain I was in. The Tylenol did nothing to stop my body from aching. And then I remembered¡­Rowan said he had pills. Opioids. I did my best to tell myself I could make it through this on just Tylenol but I knew I couldn¡¯t. ¡°Just one.¡± I said, quietly. I pulled myself out of bed, a yelp escaping my lips. I grimaced in pain, but I forced myself to keep going. I could only hope Rowan kept all his medication in one place. When he brought the Tylenol to me, he brought it from down that hallway. I forced my feet to move, wincing in pain. I hobbled around the kitchen island, and turned down the hall. There was a door just off to the right, I opened the door and stumbled in, howling in pain. The bathroom was huge, and it was beautifully designed. There was a huge window straight ahead and sitting under it was a deep, clawfoot tub. To the left was a stand up closet, and there was a little room to the side of it where the toilet was. Immediately to the right of the room was a beautiful, granite double sink with a large mirror and on the wall beside it was what looked like a closet. I first checked the cabinets under the sink, there was nothing except a few hand towels and toilet paper. It was getting almost unbearable to be upright. I made my way to the closet door. I didn¡¯t see much when I opened it, just tons of towels, but there was a basket on the top shelf. I reached for it with my left arm and stood as well as I could on the toes of my right foot, but I would have to stretch to reach it, and my rib cage just wouldn¡¯t allow that. In the corner, there was a small pouf-like knitted stool. I pulled it over to the closet and climbed onto it, reaching for the basket. I could just feel the woven texture, when I lost my balance. Putting my full weight down on both feet. I yelped in pain, and the stool scooted beneath my feet. I felt everything as my body collided with the cool bathroom tile. For a few seconds, I held my breath¡­ and then the pain came rushing in. I writhed, screaming in agony. My entire body throbbed, I felt my heart drop into my stomach. I was crying now, the cold tile felt like razor blades against my skin. My tears were hot, and my chest felt tight. I started to feel a warm wetness surrounding me and I realized that I¡¯d lost control of my bladder. I lay there on the floor, tears covering my face, writhing in pain, in a pool of my own urine. I was so zoned out I didn¡¯t notice hearing the door open. I heard Rowan call my name, but I was too ashamed and humiliated to call out for him. I heard the pitter patter of Sadie¡¯s paws on the hardwood floor. I could hear her panting as she came around the corner. When she got to me she whined, and then began to lick the salty tears off my cheeks with her cold wet tongue. It took no time for Rowan to follow her into the bathroom. ¡°Blythe?¡± He said. ¡°Oh my god, Blythe, are you alright?¡± This tale has been unlawfully obtained from Royal Road. If you discover it on Amazon, kindly report it. He crouched down next to me. ¡°I need the pills.¡± I said quietly. ¡°What?¡± He asked. ¡°The pills.¡± I croaked. ¡°Please.¡± He paused for a second, as if weighing the thought. ¡°A-are you sure?¡± he asked. I nodded. He stood up, turning on the bathtub. He left the room for a minute and came back with one ovular pill and a glass of water. ¡°Just one?¡± I said, hoarsely. He nodded. ¡°I thought about even breaking it in half. Just one, Blythe.¡± He placed the pill onto my tongue, and propped me up on his knee holding the glass to my lips. I swallowed the pill, with a sigh. ¡°Thank you, Rowan.¡± He helped me pull off my shirt. ¡°I hope you¡¯ll still be thanking me when this wears off.¡± He said, lifting me up. He lowered me into the warm water, and I smiled brightly. ~ Cedar ran fingers down my bare back. ¡°Mrs. Blythe Terranova.¡± He whispered. ¡°Has a nice ring to it right?¡± I smiled at him as we lay next to each other in bed. ¡°I love it.¡± I whispered back. He kissed me, taking my head in his hands. ¡°I love you, Blythe Terranova. I¡¯m the luckiest man in the world, I get to spend the rest of my life with you.¡± He said. ¡°Are you going to tell your parents?¡± I asked. He smiled at me, ¡°Are you?¡± I laughed, ¡°Beth will have an aneurysm.¡± I said. ¡°You¡¯re twenty-two1¡± He laughed, ¡°She can¡¯t control your life forever.¡± I rolled my eyes, ¡°Try telling her that.¡± Cedar pulled me closer to him, running his hand up and down my back. ¡°We already did it, we¡¯re legally married, there¡¯s nothing she can do about it.¡± ¡°You¡¯re right, but I don¡¯t want Beth in any part of my life. Nothing good can come out of me getting back in contact with her. All she does is micromanage my life.¡± I ranted. He kissed my forehead. ¡°We¡¯ll, I¡¯m gonna tell mine, my mom would love you.¡± He said. I smiled brightly at him. ¡°You really think so?¡± I asked. He reached over to his bedside table and pulled out a little bag of white powder. ¡°She¡¯ll have to,¡± He said, opening the bag and scooping out some of the powder with his finger. ¡°We¡¯re in this until death do us part.¡± ~ Rowan sat behind the tub, lathering shampoo into my hair. The pain in my body was dull, but still present. As he ran his fingers through my hair, he named off all the different kinds of flowers that can be found on the mountain. ¡°Purple Cornflower,¡± He said softly, ¡°Fireweed¡­Blanket Flower¡­Stonecrop¡­Columbine¡­¡± ¡°Someone named a flower ¡®Columbine¡¯?¡± I asked, hazily, ¡°That¡¯s dark.¡± Rowan chuckled softly, ¡°I¡¯m actually pretty sure the flower was named before the school where the tragedy took place.¡± He poured a cup of water on my hair, softly rubbing out the shampoo. ¡°How¡¯s your pain?¡± He asked. I smiled. ¡°Two.¡± I giggled. ¡°I¡¯m happy it¡¯s more manageable.¡± He said, combing conditioner through my hair. ¡°You¡¯re so good at this.¡± I sighed. ¡°Who taught you?¡± He laughed at that. ¡°Who taught me how to wash hair?¡± I sucked my teeth, ¡°You know what I mean. Who taught you to wash black hair?¡± ¡°I¡¯m pretty sure washing hair is universal, red hair, purple hair¡­¡± He trailed off. I turned to meet his gaze and glared at him. ¡°Okay,¡± He said. ¡°My niece is mixed. I used to babysit her a lot when I was a kid.¡± I sat back in the tub. ¡°That¡¯s nice of you.¡± ¡°Eh.¡± He shrugged. ¡°I love kids, I was hoping to have a few of my own by now¡­ but I guess life had other plans for me.¡± ¡°How do you mean?¡± I asked, ¡°You never try to meet anyone. I mean, you¡¯re like seven feet tall, and you could probably bench like ten of me. I¡¯m sure the girls would all fawn over you.¡± ¡°Maybe, but I don¡¯t think I want to be fawned over.¡± He said. ¡°I want someone who will challenge me.¡± He stood up and grabbed a towel. He pulled me up, careful of the bruises on me and wrapped me in the towel. It wasn¡¯t until now that I fully grasped how bad these injuries are. My left ankle was swollen and black and blue. There was massive bruising across the right side of my chest and torso. My shoulder looked fine, but I was almost completely unable to move it without feeling like it might just fall off. I was covered head to toe in scratches and scrapes. Rowan brought me back into the living room and laid me down on the pull out couch. ¡°I uh, didn¡¯t get a chance to tell you but I did find your pack out there.¡± He said. ¡°Is there anything in there you want to wear? Sweat pants or something?¡± I nodded. ¡°Yeah there''s actually a few sweaters and sweatpants in there. I¡¯ll wear any of them.¡± I said. He walked over to the couch. My tent bag and backpack were empty, but all my things were neatly arranged on the couch. ¡°I emptied your pack out, just so that nothing got wet, I hope you don¡¯t mind.¡± He said. He walked back over to me with a pair of gray sweatpants and my baggy black sweater. He also handed me one of the thongs I packed. I bit my lip. ¡°Thanks.¡± I said, taking it from him. ¡°Do you, uh, need¡ª¡± I cut him off. ¡°Actually I think I can manage.¡± I said. His cheeks were rosy. ¡°I¡¯ll just be down the hall then. Call if you need anything.¡± I nodded, and waited for him to leave the room before pulling on my sweater, the painkillers were letting me at least move a tad. I first pulled my bad shoulder through the sleeve, and then over my head, which was so much easier. I carefully lifted my sprained ankle, and stepped carefully into my underwear and sweatpants. It felt so good to be completely covered and in my own clothes. Across the room I could see my sketch pad, and art supplies. I¡¯d been in so much pain, sketching was the farthest thing from my mind. I thought about the pill Rowan gave me. If I could just take one more, I¡¯d be golden. I¡¯d be practically pain free, and I¡¯d want to paint. I¡¯d just told Rowan my pain was at a two, why did I tell him the truth? ¡°Are you clothed?¡± Rowan called. ¡°Yeah.¡± I laughed. He walked around the corner, and smiled. I smiled back at him. ¡°I don¡¯t think I¡¯ve heard you laugh, until today.¡± He said. ¡°We¡¯ll, I¡¯ve been a little too banged up and you¡¯re not that funny.¡± I said, smirking. ¡°I¡¯ve been told.¡± He laughed. ¡°Are you hungry?¡± I shook my head. ¡°Not really, no.¡± I said. ¡°I have a question for you though.¡± ¡°What¡¯s that?¡± He asked, getting a glass of water. ¡°What else do you do when you go into town?¡± I asked, coily. Rowan took a sip from his glass. ¡°How do you mean?¡± I giggled. ¡°Do you like, go on the hunt for girls when you go into town?¡± He didn¡¯t seem amused. ¡°Uh, no. That¡¯s not really my thing. I forgot to help you put your sling and stuff back on.¡± He said, changing the subject quickly. He walked over to me, and slipped the brace around my ankle, and propped my foot up on the bed. He then wrapped the sling around my arm and tightened the straps around my good shoulder. ¡°So what do you do then, all the way up in the mountains. No girls, I¡¯m sure it gets pretty lonely up here.¡± I said, biting my lip. ¡°I suppose I deal with that the same way anyone else would.¡± He said, flatly. I giggled. ¡°Like, how?¡± I asked. Rowan stood and walked back into the kitchen. ¡°You know, I don¡¯t think this is a discussion I want to have.¡± He said. ¡°Why not?¡± I asked. ¡°Are you scared?¡± Rowan laughed. He walked over to me, and leaned in. Bringing his face just inches from mine. ¡°Blythe, I know what you¡¯re doing, and I¡¯m not going to give you any more pills than I have to.¡± Chapter 6 Beth sat across the table from me, stirring her tea slowly. ¡°Why are you doing this to me, Blythe?¡± She asked. We sat across from each other, in her lavish garden surrounded by colorful flowers and greenery. Her housekeeper, Paula appeared through the foliage. ¡°More tea?¡± Paula asked, chipper. Without even looking in her direction, Beth waved her away. ¡°What exactly am I doing to you?¡± I asked. Beth rolled her eyes. ¡°I gave you the best of everything I could, Blythe. Look at your sister. Twenty years old, still in college. She¡¯s got her very first book deal.¡± I shook my head, in disbelief. ¡°My God. We can¡¯t have a single conversation without you comparing me to Blair, can we?¡± I asked. She took a sip from her cup. ¡°That is not a comparison. She is a role model. She gets good grades, she listens to what I have to say, and she doesn¡¯t get married to the first man to make her feel special.¡± I scoffed. ¡°You don¡¯t know a goddamn thing about me, Beth.¡± ¡°Blythe, have you ever considered that to be the problem?¡± She sighed. ¡°You make yourself so unpalatable, dear.¡± I buried my face in my hands. ¡°Coming here was such a big fucking mistake.¡± I said, rising to my feet. ¡°Oh, Blythe. Don¡¯t be dramatic.¡± She said behind me, ¡°You don¡¯t fool me. You¡¯re just doing all of this to get back at me. Christ, I thought this rebellious streak would finally come to an end after college.¡± I turned to face her, ¡°Not everything is about you, Beth.¡± ~ I sat in a chair across from my usual spot on the pull out couch. There was a huge window behind the couch that granted me access to a landscape view of the forest outside. I sat with my foot propped up on a pillow on the coffee table, sketching pictures of the trees next to the fire place. ¡°Is that what you came up here to do?¡± Rowan asked, his body was wet and glistening. He wore only a towel, and I could see the definition of each individual muscle on his abdomen. He¡¯d shaved his beard down a lot, and his hair was combed and slicked back. I bit my lip, realizing I was staring. ¡°What?¡± I asked, snapping back to my senses. I saw a smirk begin to form on his lips. ¡°You only really had camping gear, snacks, and art supplies. Did you come all the way up here to do this?¡± I nodded. ¡°Yeah, I did. I was in a similar environment in rehab, I made a few really good pieces there.¡± ¡°So you¡¯re an artist?¡± He asked. I tried to keep my eyes glued to the page in front of me, but I found myself admiring the muscles on his arms. His bicep was bigger than my thigh. I cleared my throat. ¡°Mhm.¡± I could feel my cheeks getting hot. ¡°You mind if I take a look?¡± He asked, coming closer. ¡°It¡¯s not finished yet.¡± I said, quickly. He stopped, and flashed a beautiful set of perfect teeth at me. ¡°I get it.¡± He said, turning and walking up to the loft. This narrative has been purloined without the author''s approval. Report any appearances on Amazon. I covered my face with my hands. I felt like I¡¯d opened a can of worms. Rowan is the epitome of hot lumberjack, but I didn¡¯t think of him that way, until last night. Even though I was just hoping to get another pill or two, looking at him that way made me realize how gorgeous he actually was, how easily he could lift me up, and how gentle his hands were. I couldn¡¯t think of him that way, I couldn¡¯t think of anyone that way. The only person I¡¯ve thought about for the last three and a half years has been Cedar. It¡¯s always been Cedar. Rowan came down from the loft in a white T-shirt and gray sweatpants. I kept my eyes glued to my sketch. I¡¯d already broken my year and a half long sobriety, I won¡¯t break my promise to Cedar too. ¡°Tea?¡± Rowan asked. ¡°Sure.¡± I said back. He walked over, and sat on the coffee table in front of me and studied me. I kept my eyes down. ¡°Are you alright?¡± He asked. ¡°Mhm.¡± I smiled, maintaining eye contact with the page. He huffed. ¡°So yesterday, you¡¯re brave enough to attempt to come on to me, in hopes that I¡¯d give you more pills and today, you refuse to look me in the eye?¡± ¡°You make me sound like a whore when you put it that way.¡± I scoffed. He threw his hand up. ¡°Not my intention.¡± He said quickly, ¡°I just want to know what changed. I won¡¯t give you pills but I don¡¯t think I¡¯m¡­ intimidating.¡± I looked up at him, his green eyes stealing my gaze. ¡°I never said you were.¡± ¡°Then what changed?¡± He asked. ¡°I gave up my sobriety. I don¡¯t want to give up my dignity too, and I lost some of that last night. So, if you don¡¯t mind.¡± I said, getting back to my sketch. ¡°What? You think that one pill means you¡¯re not sober anymore?¡± He scoffed. ¡°That¡¯s kind of how it works.¡± I said. ¡°Did you get high, from the one pill I gave you yesterday? Or the half of one I gave you this morning?¡± Rowan asked. ¡°Well, not exactly. But¨C¡± ¡°Then as far as I¡¯m concerned.¡± He said, cutting me off. ¡°No sobriety broken.¡± ¡°Yeah, I don¡¯t think that¡¯s how it works.¡± I said, finally putting my sketch book down. Rowan shrugged, ¡°I mean, I am a doctor. I think I would know.¡± He said. I rolled my eyes. He continued, ¡°Come on, you had a pill and a half over the last twelve hours. You¡¯re hurt. I¡¯m sure not even your sponsor could blame you. And I¡¯m going to make damn sure, you stay sober. Don¡¯t beat yourself up.¡± He said, putting a hand on my knee. A chill went through me at the feel of his touch. I started to place my hand on his, but stopped. ¡°Uh, tea?¡± I asked. Rowan stood up. ¡°Yeah. No problem.¡± He went into the kitchen to make the tea. I sat, staring at the little snowflakes coating the trees outside. I thought about what Rowan said, but I felt like I didn¡¯t deserve to call this sobriety. There are no loopholes to being clean, either you are or you aren¡¯t. Rowan walked back over to me with two mugs filled with tea. ¡°Chamomile, with honey and lemon. Is that alright?¡± He asked. I nodded. He sat a mug down on the table next to me, and then sat on the chair across from me, sipping hot tea out of his mug. ¡°You look like you have a lot on your mind.¡± He said. I shrugged. ¡°I always have a lot on my mind.¡± ¡°What is it this time?¡± He asked. I took a deep breath. ¡°I can¡¯t be here anymore.¡± I said, resting my head on the back of the chair, staring at the ceiling. ¡°Well, we don¡¯t have much of a choice,¡± He huffed, ¡°But why do you feel that way?¡± ¡°I can¡¯t resist the temptation of being here.¡± I said, quietly. ¡°You have no idea where the pills are. I move them around, everytime I bring you a dose.¡± He said. ¡°You¡¯re fine, and we might be stuck here a while but it won¡¯t be forever.¡± I looked at him. ¡°That¡¯s not the only thing.¡± I said. ¡°Then what is?¡± He asked. I lip my lower lip. ¡°Nothing.¡± I exhaled. ¡°Like you said. I don¡¯t really have a choice. I¡¯m stuck here.¡± I threw the thought of Rowan out of my mind. I came here, for one reason. To create art that felt like me, art that could get me out of my sister''s stupid house and far, far away from my mother. A man I¡¯ve known for only two days would not change that. Rowan would not come between me and my love for Cedar. No one would. Days passed, Rowan and I fell into a sort of cohabitation. He¡¯d make meals, and go out to get firewood and check to see if anything changed with the landslide. When he was in the cabin, he would just read while I sketched. At first, the silence between us felt so unnatural, but I was getting used to it now. The swelling on my ankle went down significantly, and I was even able to put small amounts of pressure on it, which meant Rowan didn¡¯t have to carry me everywhere anymore. I regained a little bit of mobility in my arm arm but still could barely raise it higher than two inches. The bruising on my ribcage was getting worse, however, Rowan claimed that was common. None the less he kept me on a very, very strict pain management regimen. Half of a pill every eight hours. It wasn¡¯t all bad though, he finally decided to let Sadie be free to roam the cabin. ¡°Where do you get all of these pills?¡± I worked up the courage to ask him one day. ¡°I mean, as far as I know, you¡¯re not a doctor currently. And usually, doctors don¡¯t just keep opioids laying around their house¡­ unless you¡¯re an addict too?¡± I joked. He gave a half hearted laugh. ¡°I don¡¯t practice, currently no. I quit to take care of my dad before he died. It was supposed to be temporary but I just never ended up going back to the hospital after he was gone.¡± He said. ¡°And the pills?¡± I asked. ¡°I used to do house calls.¡± He said. I scoffed. ¡°Bullshit. No one does that anymore, and opioids are always heavily monitored. I think I would know.¡± Rowan shrugged. ¡°Wow, are you all caught up on your TV medical no how?¡± He asked. I gave him a confused look. ¡°No need to get all defensive, jeez. I¡¯m just saying, having a bunch of opioids at your disposal is a bit suspicious.¡± I said. ¡°Maybe you should mind your own business then.¡± He snapped, storming off up to his loft. Chapter 7 ~ ¡°Baby? I¡¯m home!¡± I shouted coming through the door. ¡°Telling Beth about us, like I figured, was a horrible idea.¡± I kicked the door shut behind me and was encased in total darkness. I flipped on the hallway light, and pulled my shoes off. It was eerily quiet. ¡°Cedar?¡± I called. ¡°Are you here?¡± I walked into the living room, and turned on the lamp. I figured Cedar might just be in our art room, with his headphones on. I peaked in and it was pitch black, no one to be found. I went into our bedroom. There was a weird odor in the air but I could see the outline of his body in the moonlight. I thought it was odd for him to be sleeping, it was only ten o '' clock, but I climbed into bed with him anyway. I wrapped my arms around him, and he was freezing. I started to grab the blankets when I realized I couldn¡¯t hear him breathing. I hurriedly turned on the light. Cedar lay on his back, his beautiful blue eyes were bloodshot and glazed over. His skin was completely white, and he had vomit dried to either side of his mouth. I let out a blood curdling scream. I quickly called an ambulance and started chest compressions although in the back of my mind, I knew it was no use. My eyes clouded and I could feel the tears streaming down my cheeks. I could hear the operator on the phone asking me questions and for directions but all I could do was focus on the rhythm of my hands pushing into his chest. ~ Rowan shook me, ¡°Blythe,¡± He shouted. ¡°You¡¯re okay, you¡¯re fine.¡± I gasped, I had been screaming. It was dark, but the fireplace was still burning. I could see Rowan''s eyes in the orange glow. ¡°What? What?¡± I asked. My cheeks were wet. I was crying. Rowan sighed. ¡°Jesus. You scared the hell out of me.¡± I couldn¡¯t stop shaking and crying. This dream was common to me, it had been less haunting in the past though. This time it really felt like I was back in that room, trying in vain to save the love of my life. I held on to Rowan so tight my fingers ached. He held me, shushing softly and rocking me back and forth. I couldn¡¯t stop the tears, they just continued to pour out of me. I looked down and saw Sadie, curled at my feet, whimpering. ¡°I got you, Blythe.¡± Rowan whispered. ¡°I¡¯m here.¡± When I woke up, the sun was just starting to make its way up. The fire had died out, and Sadie was fast asleep at my feet. I took a deep breath and started to roll over when I noticed Rowan''s hand was on my back. He was still here laying beside me. When he noticed me stirring, he almost instinctively started rubbing my back. Support the author by searching for the original publication of this novel. ¡°I¡¯m here.¡± He said, groggily. I felt him scoot closer to me, and wrap his arm around me. I wanted to close my eyes, and just go back to sleep. It had been years since someone held me this way, and I felt so safe in Rowan''s arms but it was wrong. I couldn¡¯t just forget about Cedar. I pushed myself up out of the bed and limped down the hall to the bathroom. I gave myself a few minutes to pull myself together, and splash some water on my face. I grabbed the tooth brush Rowan gave me and brushed my teeth. I couldn¡¯t avoid going out there all together but, it just felt like I walked back out there, and he was still laying in that bed, I wouldn¡¯t be able to stop myself from crawling right back in next to him. I took a deep breath, and opened the door, when I made it back to the living room Rowan was in the kitchen, making coffee. ¡°Morning.¡± He said, giving me a small smile. ¡°Good morning.¡± I sat down at the kitchen island. No one spoke. I think Rowan was too afraid to ask. Rowan went into the bathroom and I just sat, watching the coffee drip ever so slowly into the carafe. A wave of shame washed over me. I wanted Rowan to take me in his arms again, I longed for him to hold me. I tried to push the thought from my mind but it was stuck, I felt like I was betraying Cedar. ¡°Who was he?¡± Rowan asked when he came back into the kitchen. ¡°You were calling for him in your sleep.¡± ¡°My husband.¡± I choked out, my eyes stinging with tears. ¡°Did he hurt you?¡± Rowan asked. I shook my head vigorously. ¡°No, no. Never.¡± I took a deep breath. ¡°He, uh, he was getting high while I was gone, and he fell asleep on his back. Choked on his own vomit. I found him when I got home.¡± A tear fell from my eye, and Rowan rushed over to comfort me. I wanted to push him away but I couldn¡¯t bring myself to do it. Rowan took me in his arms, and stoked my hair with his free hand. I couldn¡¯t stop crying. I never told anyone about Cedar, outside of my family and rehab. It felt good to say his name. ¡°I¡¯m so sorry, Blythe.¡± Rowan said softly. I took a deep breath and wiped my tears. ¡°A few weeks after he died, I found out I was pregnant. But I was too stupid, and too high to notice. I had a miscarriage. Probably because I wasn''t taking care of myself, and I was high pretty much twenty-four seven.¡± I scoffed. ¡°You were grieving.¡± Rowan said softly. ¡°That can take a lot out on your body. You may have been high but you were also going through tragedy.¡± ¡°I killed the only piece of him I had left.¡± I sobbed. ¡°I don¡¯t think you had anything to do with the miscarriage.¡± Rowan said, I looked up at him. ¡°When I was a resident, I had to do a few shifts in the NICU. I¡¯ve seen a lot of babies with mothers struggling with addiction born, but that¡¯s the thing they were born. When I worked in the ER when I was an intern, you know what I saw? Pregnant women going through tragedy. Most of those babies didn¡¯t make it, Blythe. Yeah, drugs are bad but I don¡¯t think they killed your baby. I think you would have made the best wife and mother, Blythe.¡± Rowan wiped a tear from my cheek. He gazed into my eyes and I knew I couldn¡¯t keep myself from him. Slowly, I leaned in. I felt his hand graze my back, and the softness of his lips against mine. My whole body ran cold, and then burning hot. I felt electricity jolt through my body. I pulled him in for another kiss, I could feel his breath on my cheek. I ran my hand through his thick, brown hair. I felt the pressure of his hand fall to my hip, bringing me closer to him. I stood up from my chair and positioned myself between his legs, my hand drifted down to his chest. ¡°Blythe.¡± He said, breathy, ¡°Blythe, we shouldn¡¯t do this.¡± He pulled away from me. ¡°What?¡± I asked. Rowan sighed, ¡°Look, you¡¯re clearly still grieving. I don¡¯t want to feel like I¡¯m taking advantage of you.¡± I sat back in my chair. ¡°I¡¯m sorry, Rowan.¡± He shook his head, standing up and going to the coffee machine. ¡°Don¡¯t be, Bylthe, really. You didn¡¯t do anything wrong.¡± He handed me a cup of coffee, and poured one of his own. ¡°Cedar died three years ago. I haven¡¯t been with anyone since. I didn¡¯t know it until now but, I¡¯m really fucking lonely.¡± I said, my voice cracking. Rowan put his cup down and came over to me. ¡°I don¡¯t ever want you to feel that way, but I think you still need some time. We can take things slow, okay?¡± He said, softly. I nodded, Rowan kissed my forehead gently and carried me over to the couch. He held me in his arms, and for the first time in the last three years, I felt like a long forgotten piece of me came back.